weekend free-for-all – July 21-22, 2018

by Alison Green on July 21, 2018

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: I’m reading My Year of Rest and Relaxation, by Ottessa Moshfegh, about a woman who decides she’s going to quit her life and sleep for a year. It’s making me feel a little gross so I don’t know that I recommend it exactly, but it’s funny and getting lots of acclaim and I haven’t been able to put it down.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. Caledonia*

    My cat likes the cat tunnel too :)
    I am interested to hear more about this book and your thoughts on it – why does it make you feel gross?

      1. De Minimis*

        I enjoyed her novel EILEEN, but have had a tough time getting into her other work.

      2. A tester, not a developer*

        It sounds like a fictionalized version of Cat Marnell – who wrote an autobiography called How to Murder Your Life. I tried to read it and just couldn’t; Cat’s work for xoJane was sad/distressing enough without all the details she gets into in her book.

  2. Thlayli*

    Any goldfish owners? We have 3 goldfish which I’ve never had before. The guy in the shop said to feed them just once a day which we have been doing. We put just enough food in that they all finish eating and leave the food alone so we know they are eating their fill at the once a day feed.

    Yet they seem to be completely starving by the time feeding time comes round again. From about 6 hours before feeding time, As soon as you walk into the room they are straight over to the feeding place in the tank basically begging for food. Also on the back of the Food box it says small amounts multiple times a day. But I’ve always heard and read (and shop guy said) that once a day is all you feed them.

    They seem to be thriving – growing and active and no signs of illness. But I just feel so guilty they seem so hungry.

    Am I just being silly? Anyone feed their fish more than once a day?

    1. Kuododi*

      It’s been ages since I’ve had any fish tanks and DH is really my go-to for care and maintenance info on the subject. I’ll check with him in the morning. Also, I do remember DH always SD stay away from big box pet supply stores (PetSmart, Feeder Supply and the like) if you’re looking for information about keeping goldfish. Those places are usually staffed by silly young high school kids who are no t known as a font of information. Better option for good info in your area is.to locate and talk to someone who works in a shop specializing in fresh water pet fish. (Salt water pet fish has a very involved care, feeding, and tank cleaning routine.). Good luck!!!

    2. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      When I had goldfish I fed them food once a day, but not so much that they voluntarily stopped eating because they’re prone to overeating. I did usually offer a less calorie dense “snack” later in the day though. They can eat the inside of cooked green peas (the outer layer is too tough) and just about any soft lettuce. You can leave a leaf in there to much on all day and pull it out at night without it fouling up the water. (Replacing it with a new leaf every day, obviously.)

      They also love to eat the softer varieties of aquatic plants, but they tend to decimate them and it messes up the water quality. Kinda fun to throw some java fern in the day before a water change though.

    3. Queenie*

      I had a pair of goldfish that lived for about 12 years. I fed them before school and then again after school. I put enough food in the bowl that each fish would get a couple flakes. Seemed to keep them happy. :)

      I’m not sure that the fact that they go to the feeding part of the tank whenever you walk into the room necessarily means they’re hungry. They’ve learned to associate you and that side of the tank with food, and fish are opportunistic eaters, so if they think there’s going to be food they’ll probably want to eat it (hungry or not).

    4. kc89*

      I don’t know if it’s a stereotype or actually real but you always hear that overfeeding is one of the easiest ways to kill a fish, so probably better to be cautious

    5. A username for this site*

      I’ve never had a goldfish, but I have had bettas. Unfortunately, a lot of the information and equipment you can get at standard pet stores is woefully inadequate and results in neglect of the fish (bettas can’t live in a bowl, for example, they need a 5 gallon tank with filtration! Goldfish can’t live in a bowl either, because they release a “slime” that fouls the water.) . I found a lot of good information on a subreddit dedicated to betta fish keeping, and from there I discovered the Seachem line of chemicals and Hikari brand of food. Their websites have information on how to correctly balance your tank and feed your fish their products. I’m sure you’ll be able to find goldfish-specific resources on those sites.

      Good luck!

    6. StrikingFalcon*

      When I kept goldfish (years ago), I fed them a couple pinches once a day. I had fed them twice a day at first but they gained what seemed like an unhealthy amount of weight. I generally just tried to keep them at the same weight, and make sure there wasn’t excess food. Goldfish act like that no matter how much you feed them – they just learn to associate you with food.

      I looked it up, and one general rule of thumb I found on several sites was as much as they can eat in 1 minute, twice a day, or as much as they can eat in 2 minutes, once a day. Either way, don’t leave excess food in the tank, as it will grow algae and clog the filter.

    7. seewhatimean*

      Fish are very willing to respond to operant conditioning, which is what you are seeing. They associate you with feeding, and the reward of it, and respond with enthusiasm to the sight of you. Don’t use that to modify their feeding volume or you’ll have problems. I think you can adjust the frequency of feeds as long as you don’t increase the volume of the total daily amount (in other words, split the daily food into x number of meals, instead of repeatedly feeding the same amount more times a day)

      You CAN use it to train them to do things, if you’re patient and interested. Look up goldfish training and operant conditioning.

    8. Thlayli*

      Thanks all. I might try giving the same amount but split over two feeds instead of all at once.

      1. seewhatimean*

        It’s honestly not going to stop them rushing over when you walk in the room. They’re well-conditioned by now.

        1. seewhatimean*

          And they are not begging for food/hungry…but they have learned that they get rewarded for being in that part of the tank.

  3. Jemima Bond*

    Morning all! I thought I’d pop in and recommend a film I saw last night. I don’t remember seeing any publicity for this, which came out last year, but it was really good; Wind River starring Jeremy Renner and Elizabeth Olsen. It starts with a body found on an Indian (Native American) reservation, barefoot in the snow…
    It isn’t exactly feel-good but it resolves things, and it’s really fascinating and evocative; mysterious and thought-provoking without being too arty and self-indulgent.

    2. annakarina1*

      I did like that a lot. I do like crap me dramas and films that have bittersweet endings, and I just found the film to be really sad and heartbreaking.

    3. Pharmgirl*

      Oh, this is in my Netflix queue! Glad to know it’s good, I’ll definitely watch it!

    4. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      Seconding this recommendation! Some scenes are pretty hard to watch, but critical to the message and not gratuitous or exploitative.

    5. Thlayli*

      My boss told me yesterday that wind river is one of the best movies he’s seen. He did say it’s a rape case tho so trigger warning for anyone who would find that upsetting to watch.

      1. Melody Pond*

        It’s definitely one of the best movies I’ve ever seen! But yeah, there’s a whole lengthy scene that I just had to skip right past. I got the gist of what was going on, and I didn’t need to actually watch it. :-/

      2. Free Now (and forever)*

        Beautiful, atmospheric, tense, sad, exciting. That about covers it. Saw it with my 24-year-old son. He’s on the Autism Spectrum and lives at home, so that’s not quite as strange as it sounds. We both liked it, although I suspect for different reasons. He, for the action and me, for everything else. I highly recommend it.

    7. Kate*

      Really great movie. The one scene mentioned was too much for me personally but I agree that it wasn’t gratuitous or exploitative. I didn’t resent that it was included at all, just didn’t want to put it in my brain montage. The vast majority of the film is pretty quiet and understated, but all the more powerful for it.

  4. Some Sort of Management consultant*

    I have a petty problem.

    My brother and his partner has been together for six years. She is adorable and they’re a wonderful, loving couple.

    A little *too* loving.

    I am not joking when I say they are a constant stream of baby, honey, sweetheart, dearest.

    It’s an barrage of “sweetheart, can I get you something”-s, “darling, give me a kiss”-s, “honeybun, hold my hand”-s

    I love them both. I love that they love each other. They have a beautiful partnership.

    But the constant cutesiness gets on my nerves. I’ve just spent a week with them and phew!

    I think part of the problem might be that my brother is that kind and gentle with my parents as well but seems to find me kind of annoying at times. I guess the contrast is a little bit hurtful.

    Help?

    1. Margery*

      Sibling rivalry at it’s best ha ha. I think it would get on my nerves too and it’s not that you’re jealous of their relationship just that it can be too sickly sweet.

      Your brother obviously loves you (if you’ve been staying for a week he must want to see you) but you’re his big/kid sister/brother? – you’re ALWAYS gonna be annoying to him – but deep down I bet he’ll always be there for you.

      Try to think of the kindness he has as a really good point – the world definitely needs more kind people in it.

        1. Margery*

          It must be annoying – but think about it – you’re not showing your feelings means that you are a kind person with a lot of integrity so give YOURSELF a big pat on the back for that.

    2. Forking great username*

      My brother and his girlfriend of three years are like this. I don’t really have any advice, I’ve learned to just ignore it and personally don’t think it’s worth saying/doing anything.

    3. LilySparrow*

      Make a drinking game out if it?

      They aren’t being affectionate *at* you. If it were PDA, you could ask them to take it elsewhere. But I think you’re gonna have to learn to tune it out.

      Here’s a thought: if he’s like this with your parents and his SO, maybe the reason he doesn’t talk to you that way is because he knows you don’t like it and you find it annoying. So he is showing you love by trying not to annoy you when he speaks to you.

      If you have a close relationship, you could talk to him about it. I’ve found that you can talk to most people about most subjects if you pick the right non-confrontational moment and preface it with “Can I ask you about something kinda personal?” Or “There’s this wierd thing I wanted to talk to you about…”

    4. NotaPirate*

      Mental bingo or discreetly play on your phone? Give each pet name a square. If you get a row of 5 you treat yourself to something. At least then hearing them would have a benefit.

    5. Book Badger*

      If you weren’t twins with him, I’d ask if you were my boyfriend’s sister. We’re also that level of effusiveness (we can’t help it! that’s just how we feel all the time!) and we know there are some people who don’t like it. XD

      But I’d say that it’s normal for him to not act that way around siblings. It is the solemn duty of siblings to be annoying and to be annoyed in return. If you can, you could try to do a just-you-and-him outing, to hang out without the pressures of Girlfriend.

    6. Engineer Girl*

      You don’t like cutsie so your brother, knowing that, isn’t giving it to you. I’d call that respectful.

      If you want him to treat you in a certain way then **tell** him. But it sounds like he’s treating you how you want.

      1. LilySparrow*

        This is what I was trying to say.

        I understand you are of two minds about this – on the one hand, you find the cutesiness excessive. On the other, you feel left out of the affectionate dynamic he has with others. This sounds like a fairly normal push/pull of siblings, but if something is bothering you, bring it up!

    7. Anna*

      Oh this reminds me of that Seinfeld episode where Jerry and his girlfriend kept talking about who was “schmoopy” and had an extensive amount of terms of endearment. Haha

  5. Feeling Lazy*

    I live in the US Southwest and it is so hot here and I have lost all interest in working out. I just can’t get into it! I know how important it is for my health, and I can feel my body craving it, but I just can’t get my butt in gear. The fitness center is just down the hall from my apartment, plus I am paying for Jazzercise (which I LOVE) whether I go or not. What is wrong with me???

        1. Zona the Great*

          If she lives where I live in the SW, the pools all feel like you’re swimming in hot spit at this time of year.

          2. Triple Digit Texan*

            I live near a cold spring. Sometimes it’s the only good thing in town- that and popsicles.

    2. Ali G*

      I’m with you. Sweating just seems so awful right now. And I’ve been getting headaches from the heat so how could I possibly get on the elliptical (which is in my house!!)?
      Agree – if you can find a place to swim that might work. Or wait until it gets dark and go for a walk? Sorry it sucks right now.

    3. OyVey*

      Are you getting a decent temperature drop after the sun goes down? My piece of the southwest crashes by 20 or 30 degrees once the sun drops under the horizon; you might get some milage out of an evening walk if that’s safe/feasible for you.

      1. nonprofit director*

        And on the opposite side of the day, try early mornings. I am also in the southwest without decent air conditioning and I am usually done by 7:00am. If I want to do something outside, I try to get out even earlier, before the sun is visible over the hills to the east.

        1. Anonymosity*

          Yes, early morning seems to be cooler, since the sun has been down for quite a while and the heat radiating up from asphalt, etc. has had time to dissipate a little.

        2. Marion Ravenwood*

          Another vote for early mornings. I’ve switched to going running first thing (well before my plantar fasciitis flared up anyway) during the current heatwave in the UK, because I know otherwise it won’t happen due to the heat in the evenings.

    4. LuJessMin*

      Same here in the OK! High of 106 yesterday and my a/c ran 18 hours yesterday (normal is about 12 hours). And my thermostat is set at 76! Today is supposed to be a bit cooler – only 97!

    5. Kuododi*

      I’m currently visiting family on the coast of SE USA. ( Not Florida!!!!) From the minute we arrived it’s been as steamy and hot as the swamps on the planet Dagobah!!! YEESH!!!

    6. Traffic_Spiral*

      I run after sundown (which obviously requires the ability to run and a safe place to run) but I find I really like it. You gotta hydrate like crazy, but the sweat feels good when you’re running – and also it helps your body acclimatize to the weather faster.

  6. Sparkly Librarian*

    Almost 2 in the morning. Sitting in the ER with my wife, who has a badly sprained, possibly broken ankle. Yaaaaaay.

    2. nep*

      Ouch. Hurts just reading that. Sorry to hear. Wishing your wife a sound recovery and both of you some good rest.

      1. Margery*

        Hope it’s just a sprain and not a break (though painful in either case). Good luck

        1. Deryn*

          When I was in high school, I had two separate severe sprains (tore completely through one ligament and nearly all the way through the second on both occasions) on the same ankle and eventually ended up having reconstructive joint surgery to fix all the damage. Ten years on and I’m STILL having issues with it. The doctor told me that breaks tend to heal cleaner and don’t present much risk for re-injury, whereas severe sprains can permenantly weaken a joint. Given my own experiences, I’m praying for either a break or a less severe sprain! Hopefully her doctors will get everything figured out and give her the best of care!

          1. seewhatimean*

            I’d also say break rather than sprain (damage the ligament) because I agree with your dr. I partially tore an achilles tendon about….(maths on fingers, carries the 90s…) 30 yrs ago, and it still makes me cringe if someone gets near it. The exception is the talus bone, but the better scenario is just a badly bruised ankle…I hope it turned out ok. :(

      1. Sparkly Librarian*

        You said it. She’s more or less confined to the couch until the pain recedes enough to make her comfortable on crutches. No driving. Stairs only under extreme duress. No work until she can get it casted (first available appointment at the podiatrist), so that’s 4 work shifts missed without pay. Me, I’m at work on 3 hours of sleep.

        1. seewhatimean*

          oooh, so if they are casting it, it’s broken? What a drag for both of you. Crutches are not fun (but get them properly adjusted so she isn’t using her armpits, and that helps a little), no driving is no fun when you can’t walk either. Missed work and groggy work add to the maximum suckage factor. :(

          1. Sparkly Librarian*

            Thanks for the sympathy; I felt like whining all day and it definitely came through here.

            Official word is “we don’t know for sure if it’s broken until the radiologist tells us whether that spot on the x-ray is an older/healed fracture, an extra bone without any real issue, or a fresh break, BUT we’re going to treat it the same either way for now”. So that’s a splint until Tuesday when the swelling should have gone down enough for the podiatrist to examine, and possibly cast, her foot. If it’s not broken after all, I think she gets a boot.

            1. Yetanotherjennifer*

              I’m sorry! This is a long journey and none of it’s fun. I broke my ankle nearly 3 months ago. There’s an awesome Facebook group that’s very informative and supportive and is well-moderated. It’s called “Broken ankle / foot / leg recovery – on a quest for normal!” I hope your wife’s injury is minor and that she has a smooth recovery.

            2. seewhatimean*

              Whine away! No harm in needing to unload the frustration and the worry and the inconvenience and fatigue. Fingers crossed that she’ll get a walking boot, either way (I think those are also called air casts) so she doesn’t need crutches (or needs them less). That alone would be a huge help.

              The facebook group Yetanotherjennifer mentions sounds like it would be a good resource.

  7. Bumble of nerves*

    I’m starting to think online dating isn’t for me. Granted I’ve been at it for less than a month, but it’s already starting to feel like more trouble than it’s worth.

    They say online dating is a godsend for introverts who aren’t comfortable with just getting out there and socialising, but all the same, it’s not great for someone who tends to be pretty anxious and doesn’t have the best self-esteem.

    The only app I’m on is Bumble (I’m female). And geez, it’s bringing all my neurosis to the fore. If no one I find attractive comes up I feel discouraged, if someone I do find attractive comes up I’m insecure (because how could they possibly like me back?). If I don’t get matches I feel deflated, if I do get a match I feel stressed (what do I do now? How do I pretend to be normal)? Repeat last two steps for when they don’t/do respond to initial contact.

    I’ve always been terrible with flirting, with picking up signals etc., and that doesn’t change just because it’s a different platform. I also don’t do well with receiving compliments (although I have no problems giving them) and find then incredibly uncomfortable (there’s a whole other bundle of issues I won’t go into).

    There aren’t many opportunities for me to meet people, and I’m in my 30s so everyone around me seems to be settling down. A lot of my friends are still doing the online dating thing but they seem to be made of much tougher stuff and don’t get into the anxiety cycles I find myself in.

    I don’t know, sometimes I think maybe I have too many issues to be trying to get into a relationship at all, but it also seems to be silly to be putting everything else on hold because I’ve had these issues for a long time and maybe this is the sort of thing I need to do to actually get over them?

    Sorry for the rambling. Like I said I’m still pretty new to this, so maybe new experiences in general can be pretty daunting?

    1. nep*

      No advice here, really–just commiseration.
      I’m quite the recluse…I love my solitude and I’m not looking to date–but if I were, I can’t imagine putting myself out there, in person or online. To me it just seems a fact that I could never be the slightest bit attractive to anyone.
      I salute you for giving it a shot, given your anxiety.
      I guess I would just say look deep in your heart for the why–are you lonely for companionship or do you think you ‘should’ be dating because of some societal conditioning? Interesting point about whether the online dating is a healthy challenge you should go through to help you get past some of your issues; I’ll be interested to read others’ thoughts on this.
      All the best

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Love nep’s reply here, OP.
        Are you doing online dating because YOU want to? or because you think everyone else is doing it/thinks you should too/etc?
        When we force ourselves into a place that is Not For Us we can end up with this awkwardness you are talking about here.
        FWIW, I don’t date but if I did I would find what you are doing to be very challenging for many, many reasons. Give yourself a pat on the back for even trying.
        You may benefit from a plan where you have a bit more control over what is going on. Perhaps you would be more relaxed meeting people through a shared interest such as volunteer work or a hobby. Perhaps you would find meeting people through friends to be easier. Think about environments where you are more comfortable than you are online and see what you can come up with.
        And there is also bigger picture stuff, maybe there is too much going on in life right now to consider dating. So there is that to think about. Consider this thought, if you had to look for a new job/place to live/house pet/whatever would you also find this stuff to be a lot of work or emotional effort on your part? When this happens it can be because there is bigger stuff that needs our immediate attention.

        1. Bumble of nerves*

          I wouldn’t say there was all that much else I’m trying to sort out. Weirdly enough a lot of my insecurity came about because I’d been so unsure in my career for a long time, and now that part’s actually going all right. In a way that sort of focuses my attention even more on my single-ness.

          I keep thinking back to the way job-hunting gets compared to dating, but now the other way around. I mean, all I need is /one/, and yet that’s just so difficult. I’ve already had one person cancel meeting up (which he asked for in the first place) at the last minute, which doesn’t exactly fill me with optimism. I mean it wasn’t like I was pinning all my hopes on this one or anything, but much like being rejected for a job you didn’t particularly want, rejection still stings.

    3. Waiting for the Sun*

      Online dating can be depressing, and there are scammers out there. Wish I had something more positive to say.
      Meetup.com has greatly improved my social life. Not so much by finding a romantic partner (still hoping), but by meeting people I really click with, who share my interests. It helps my self-esteem.
      Best wishes!

      1. annakarina1*

        That has helped me a lot too. I can feel very lonely, and getting involved in stuff like bar trivia, kickboxing, and sci-fi meet up groups has helped me to make more friends and to be more social. I’m naturally introverted, but can be very talkative when I’m at ease with people.

      2. kb*

        Yes! I also recommend Meetup for expanding your friend group, even if you already have friends you really like. I tend to gravitate to making friends with women who also mostly gravitate towards women, so the number of straight men I interacted with was very low. Meetup was a great way to pursue things that actually interest me and meet men who share those interests, rather than taking the advice a lot of older generations had given, like start going to sports bars (not that there’s anything wrong with sports bars– I just don’t care for sports!).

    4. Forking great username*

      I found Bumble to really stress me out because of their rule about the female having to initiate the conversation. I get it, they’re trying to cut down on the amount of creepy messages women get. But I found it a lot easier to sign up for OkCupid and just read through the messages I got to see who I liked.

      1. Bumble of nerves*

        I don’t particularly mind initiating, but I do wonder if that sort of self-selects men who are less assertive. Maybe I’ll give some other sites a go (since I already have a profile set up an all).

        Ugh, why does it seem so easy for other people who can just meet people through completely traditional/convention means, form a connection and that’s it? I’m trying not to feel too sorry for myself but damn it can be difficult sometimes.

        1. CA Teacher*

          Bumble seems to get a higher quality of dude on average than the other dating apps (though I met my wonderful bf on tinder, so there are exceptions). Have you tried hinge? I kind of liked that one because it prioritizes friends of friends and makes you like a specific aspect of their profile instead of just swiping. It seems to make for more interesting conversation.

          The thing about apps is that it takes a LOT to make something happen. You swipe a lot to get a match, you talk to a lot to get a date, you date a lot til you find someone who works. It’s a lot about perseverance, but it really is how just about everyone i know met their SOs!

        2. Clever Name*

          I’ve wondered that too. I met the guy I’m currently dating on Bumble, and he hasn’t been shy about suggesting and planning dates.

    5. CoveredInBees*

      Gah, I hated online dating as an introvert. There was an expectation to be open and chatty with someone I’d never actually met before. If anything, chatting online sometimes created a false sense of who the other person was, so it was super awkward when they were different in real life. Not that they were hiding anything, I just didn’t get an accurate read. Maybe get involved in [online] communities around interests and just see who you meet there.

      Is there any particular reason that you haven’t sought out dating earlier in your life? That might be contributing to your anxieties now.

    6. Dopameanie*

      I left the open market RIGHT before online dating became a thing. I’ve been mad that I missed it ever since. I would’ve been amazing at it. I desperately want to curate somebody else’s online dating for them. Like, call them once a week and be like, these three dudes have passed the baseline tests (no unsolicited D pics, good grammar, etc) would you like to meet any of them? Like a concierge for your heart.

      Got any local friends who might have fun people watching and doing your window shopping/winnowing process on your behalf?

    7. matcha123*

      I’m in the same boat, but I started online dating about 3 months ago. When I first started, I responded to almost every guy that gave my profile a ‘like’ or sent me a message. Sending messages to multiple men within the same general time period stressed me out. When I finally met them, I could get that some were trying to flirt with me, but I feel so awkward trying to flirt that I just continued to try to be friendly. And the majority of them didn’t contact me again, which got me down.
      I don’t know how people do it. I have felt completely overwhelmed and tired, not empowered. Which is why I’m pulling back and focusing on my friends and doing things that make me happy (like going to the movies).
      If I’m stressed or putting too much into it, the guy will pick up on it. It’s so hard to be casual.
      I don’t really have much advice, aside from understanding and being in the same boat.

    8. Gaia*

      Ugh. I hated online dating. I felt like their algorithms were terrible at making matches. They would show me people I indicated I would be interested in, but the interests they listed would be the exact opposite of me. No site ever though to consider whether I matched that person’s interests before showing their profile to me? Only if they matched mine? UGH. It was so demoralizing to feel like there were tons of people I’d like but none of them would like me :(

      This was years ago though, hopefully it has gotten better!

    9. BananaTanger*

      38. Last serious relationship ended when I was 25. I’ve tried online dating on and off before finally giving myself permission to like being single. And I do. I don’t feel lonely. I’m not closed to the idea, but I like my life the way it is, dread the idea of someone else being at my house, and have embraced being the introverted cat lady I was always meant to be. If you WANT a partner/relationship, go for it. But it is ok to be content on your own. Actually lindane awesome.

      1. seewhatimean*

        Agreed. It is OK and GOOD to be single, and I highly highly recommend that everyone live on their own at some point in their lives. You will be a better partner if you can be on your own and be comfortable, even if your long term goal is a relationship.

        That aside…our general culture is SO focussed on a very narrow timeline that says if you aren’t dating someone seriously by X age (late 20s?), or if you ARE dating but you aren’t engaged by X years (about 3 is the outside before questions start), or if you are paired up and have so far resisted the hounding about engagement/marriage, but aren’t producing offspring (which seems to happen endlessly), you can feel SO MUCH PRESSURE, and almost like you need to get things moving for the comfort of those around you.

        If you want a relationship, you can mostly ignore this. I just think that a spell of living alone is not the horrible fate we’re led to believe, and can be very rewarding and create an optimum strength of self to be in a relationship when someone comes along.

        I have met some very nice people through online dating a while back (OKCupid at the time) although no one that turned into a more involved relationship. I stay in touch with a few, but nothing ever came of it, and I got fed up with all the peripheral fuss and time and chaff.

        I wonder if maybe instead of a dating specific site it would be more productive to spend time on an interest-specific site? Still gives the arms length chance to get to know someone a little, but starts you off with at least one thing in common.

        And don’t put things off “until you’re with someone”. Take the trips, read the books, try the restaurant, whatever it is…just be you. Social media is so much headspace, and it’s really bad for connection and being in the world. Don’t pretend to be “normal”. You ARE normal. Someone will be captivated by quirky, interesting, introverted, neurotic You.

    10. Triple Anon*

      I can’t stand it. I don’t feel attracted to people unless we meet in person. Meeting on a dating site tends to take the spark and the fun and the mystery out of it. Then there are the annoying creepy people. And the awkward things like running into friends and co-workers. And I just don’t like all that info about myself being out there. I like to keep my personal life mostly private.

      Meeting people in person can be more challenging, but I think you can get better at it over time. Just remember that a lot of people are socially awkward. Seek out people you have things in common with, keep making new friends, and see what happens.

    11. MissDisplaced*

      I tried online dating before there were actually Apps for it and never found it worthwhile either. In theory, it seems a good choice for introverts, but when I actually called/met the guys we didn’t click at all or I found they lied about a lot of things. I gave up!
      I can only imagine it’s gotten worse. Don’t beat yourself up!

      I ended up meeting my husband the old fashioned way. At a bar. And I wasn’t even a bar person.

    12. Lkr209*

      Hi there! I’m doing the online dating thing too and one thing that helps is actually saying in your profile that you’re new at this and worried about how you’ll come off. There are SO many of both genders who will see that and be relieved! I would also HIGHLY recommend match.com, because of the extensive filters. Makes it easier to rule out people. And MeetMe over Bumble, because it has more filters too that you can view before messaging someone and more space to fill out your “about me”. Good luck!

      1. seewhatimean*

        Funny how individual it is. I always read “I’m new at this” as a bit of dress-up for being uncomfortable about turning to online dating at all.

        Filters are good, but one thing I do find awkward or limiting about online dating is that your edited self is meeting their edited self, in ways that are even more intense than meeting in person. There are little tics and habits that I know I cannot bear to be around, and I’m sure there are things I do that others interpret differently to how I see them myself, and there’s no good way to get to the other side of that (Self-awareness is never going to be the same as otherness).

        I guess my other suggestion is don’t stay online with a new person too long. It’s very easy to build up either a slightly skewed understanding due to the self vs other above, or because you get ahead of yourself electronically and then meet and feel a bit askew anyway because you only know each other in your own heads.

        But take me with a grain of salt, because I’m a generally happily single old fogey who has enough relationship disaster behind me to just be glad not to be entangled with it now.

    13. Clever Name*

      I’ve been online dating for about 7 months since my divorce. It can definitely be a slog. I think it feels like online shopping at times. I’ve gotten to a place where I don’t put much weight in any one match or message, or honestly any first date. It’s too emotionally exhausting to think a ton about it. It’s all about getting to know another person. It’s been helpful to me to tweak my perspective from “looking for The One” to meeting people and learning about myself and relationships. And you also have to be okay with potentially getting hurt. I’ve dated a couple of guys who just weren’t right, even though I really liked them, and yeah, it hurt when things ended, but I figure I’m not living if I don’t risk a little heartbreak. :)

  8. nep*

    Was thrilled to find out that a favourite writer, Zadie Smith, has written an essay about Middlemarch. I bought her book of essays this past week and look forward to reading that one. (Thanks again, whoever recommended AbeBooks a while back.)

    Interesting random sentence from a book you’re reading?
    From a Ry Cooder short story: ‘But I wondered–why would a man, an Italian, make all that spaghetti and then jump off the roof?’

    1. nep*

      (I meant I learned of the Middlemarch essay and bought the book mainly because of that.)

    2. Undine*

      No one has ever come across a cat apologizing and if a cat did, it would be patently obvious it was not sincere.
      From Milkman, by Anna Burns.

    3. fposte*

      I used to keep a journal with favorite quotes and passages from books I was reading. I gave it up before I took up a bookish job–it would be too huge to lift by now–but I rather regret stopping given how many wonderful things I’ve subsequently read.

      I know I’m not the only Barbara Pym fan here, so I’ll offer this:
      “There was something to be said for tea and a comfortable chat about crematoria.”

      1. Lore*

        If that line appeals, you should find much to love in Alan Bradley’s Flavia de Luce books. (Morbid preadolescent chemist/sleuth, for anyone who doesn’t know them.)

        2. seewhatimean*

          Oh how much I love those. He doesn’t write them fast enough, and they are intelligent and funny, as well as evocative of the houses and places they are set in. fposte, I resoundingly second this suggestion!!

  9. Susan K*

    I’m thinking about buying a Cricut.

    It all started with seeing some cool-looking cutting dies for sale on Wish, which made me wonder how much a die-cutting machine would cost (less than $50 for a small one). I was very tempted to buy one, but I kept thinking about how I would be limited to using whatever dies I purchased and I would have to purchase another die any time I wanted to make a new shape, whereas if I had a digital cutting machine like a Cricut, I could cut all the shapes without ever needing a physical die.

    For about $200, it seems like a no-brainer that the Cricut is a better deal (and I plan to wait until Black Friday to get a good price)… until I found out that I would still have to pay for digital cutting patterns for the Cricut (either individual patterns or a monthly subscription), and, along with all the supplies and accessories I would need, that could get pretty expensive pretty quickly — a lot more than the $50 plus some cheap dies that I was originally considering.

    I’m honestly not even sure what I would make with a die cutting machine, other than cards. I’m not into scrapbooking and I don’t have kids. It just kind of seems like fun to cut out intricate shapes and make stuff with them. But I’m afraid that I won’t end up using it that much, and after I spend hundreds of dollars on a machine and supplies, I will make a few cards and then it will just end up gathering dust. That makes me wonder if maybe I should go with a cheap, manual die-cutting machine and see if I’m into it, and then upgrade to a Cricut if I am — but then if I do upgrade to a Cricut, I will have wasted money on the cheap machine.

    Any Cricut users (or non-users) have thoughts or advice?

    1. Red Reader*

      My mom does all manner of things with hers… that involved buying a zillion other kinds of equipment too. A vinyl heat press and a sublimation machine and I don’t know what all else, but every time I see her, she’s giving me stuff she made me that I may or may not ever actually have a use for. Haha.

      She did use it to cut absolutely gorgeous gatefold cards for my wedding invitations and favor boxes for our reception dinner.

    2. All Hail Queen Sally*

      I’ve been eyeing them myself but I am always wondering how long they would stay sharp.

      1. Susan K*

        Yeah, I noticed that all Cricut items are excluded from coupons at places like Michaels and Jo-Ann, but based on Googling “Cricut Black Friday,” it looks like the Cricut web site itself had big discounts on the machines on Black Friday last year, so I’m hoping for the same again this year.

      2. Chaordic One*

        OTOH, on occassion I have noticed various Cricut things (not the actual machine) for sale in the clearance aisle of my local WalMart.

    4. RemingtonTypeType*

      I looked into them a lot before I purchased and I ended up with a Silhouette Cameo (I bought the 2). You don’t have to buy extra addons, you create it all in your computer. I’ve had tons of fun with it and the software is easy to pick up.

      To be fair, I know that some of the newer cricuts have the same capability but I haven’t looked into them since I went with the Cameo.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Read the customer reviews for the $50 machine and look for the frustration level. If something is not fun, does not work smoothly then the chances are higher that you won’t use it.
      If the machine still looks good, then try it. Yes, there is some redundancy to purchasing a modest machine and then buying something bigger later. You might decide to gift the smaller machine or you might decide to sell it for a modest price to get back some of that $50.
      I will go into detail on another thread. I just picked up a machine to do something for a cheap price. I did not read the customer reviews online before buying. The reviews were BAD. It took me a half hour to get the machine to work correctly. There’s a lot of parts to clean up after using.And there is a lot of waste. I am going to see if I really use it that much and then consider an upgrade.
      Going the other way, I bought a weed whacker that was spendy (to me). I could not use it for reasons 1-20. It slayed me but I sold it for half of what I paid for it. That was enough money to buy a weed whacker that I absolutely LOVE and use the heck out of. All of life is a learning curve and our purchases are part of that learning curve.
      It might help to have a plan to salvage your investment if the idea does not work out for you.

      1. Gingerblue*

        As someone who’s been kicking myself about redundant purchases lately, thanks for this dose of perspective. Learning curve is a much better way to think of it than just calling myself an idiot!

    6. IntoTheSarchasm*

      Not sure if you are interested, but I have seen several Cricut’s of various types on Craigslist and similar sites- including newer models with computer interface. Might be a third option if you like.

    7. Nisie*

      I get 95% of my stuff from searches for free svgs, cricut groups, or online sellers. It’s rare that I actually buy much in the design store. I use mine to make art for my kids rooms, cards, stencils for the house. It was worth it to me to have the machine. It does go on sale black Friday- and very few things you truly have to buy from the namebrand Cricut (and when you do, hobby lobby and Joann’s tend to let you use coupons on the items). And stuff is usually cheaper on amazon.

    8. Ranon*

      Honestly, I’d start with a good xacto knife, a cutting mat and a pack of blades and see if you really get into the “making things from other things” part. And then if you still want one, I’d try to buy used. Craigslist or a creative reuse store if you happen to have one nearby- they resell all sorts of craft supplies for remarkably low prices and you may find they’re a source of paper for you as well (“art of recycle creative reuse list” should bring up a pretty comprehensive list of places).

    9. Lionelrichiesclayhead*

      I bought a Cricut when I actually was into scrapbooking and used it less than 5 times before it ended up in a corner. If you are looking for someone to tell you not to buy it then here I am.

      1. Susan K*

        May I ask why you stopped using the Cricut? Did you stop scrapbooking, or did you not like using the Cricut for scrapbooking?

    10. Amadeo*

      I do not have a Cricut, or a Cameo. I have a BIG, industrial printer/cutter, it takes rolls of vinyl, not sheets, so take my advice for what it’s worth.

      Ask yourself these things before you spend the money: can you/are you willing to learn how to use a vector program like CorelDraw, Illustrator, or if you head the freebie route, Inkscape (or the software that comes with the Cricut or Cameo). If you aren’t, you’ll be relegated to buying/hunting down all of the vector artwork you’ll use to make things (and some of those things need cleaned up big time before they’re good for cutting on any machine, even my big one). What will you make with it? Some craft store heat transfer vinyls sold for these little countertop machines you can iron on, but lots require a real heat press, with the pressure and heat that it generates. Do you like to make decals/stickers for things? Do you like to make shirts? Do you think it’s something you’d be interested in? Honestly if you’re only going to cut paper shapes, I’d go with the die cutter and/or the hole punch shapes that places like Hobby Lobby have in their scrapbooking section.

    11. CurrentlyLooking*

      I have a Cricut and it is a lot of fun. You can use their program to import images so you don’t need to buy anything from their store. You can also find a lot of free (or low cost images) online.

    12. Blue_eyes*

      Could you find someone to borrow a Cricut from for a little bit? That might help you figure out if you would use it enough to be worth purchasing. I have a Cricut (the older kind that uses cartridges, not the fully digital kind) and I don’t use it much anymore. I got it when I was a teacher and it was fantastic for cutting out letters and stuff for bulletin boards. But I never used it much for personal projects, a few cards here or there, and occasionally party decorations. I did make a cool cake decoration banner recently with it.

      I think other suggestions about starting with die cutting or even an Exacto knife are great. If you get really into it, upgrading to the Cricut will be fun. But if you get bored or can’t find projects you want to do, you’ll have your answer.

    13. Sunshine Brite*

      Non-user – but I’d say watch the craft store sales. They’re few and far between for the Circuit machines themselves but happen occasionally.

  10. OnAnonAnon*

    I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who replied to my OCD diagnosis post a couple of weeks ago. All of your replies were really useful for me.

    1. ..Kat..*

      The International OCD Federation has been a great help to me. Glad you are getting good information.

  11. kebs*

    Is there a parenting equivalent of Ask A Manager? Advice columns, blogs, podcasts, even books would be interesting.

    I’ve found AAM such a useful tool for learning how to deal with work issues, from the weird to the mundane. I especially love that Alison gives specific phrases to say. I’m searching for something similar, but focused on parenting.

    So far I have read ‘ How to Talk to Little Kids Will Listen’. I feel like their approach would really lend itself to an advice column format, but their blog only has a couple of letters.

      1. kebs*

        This looks pretty good, thanks! I’m struggling to find an RSS feed so I can keep up to date with new posts, but hopefully I’ll figure something out.

        1. Blue_eyes*

          Ever since they updated the Slate website, there doesn’t seem to be an RSS feed for their posts. Drives me nuts because I have to remember to go to Slate to check Dear Prudence and usually I forget.

    2. Ranon*

      You might like Janet Lansbury – she has a blog and a podcast that lots of people like, and the podcast is an advice column format. She follows a specific parenting philosophy, though, so it’s dependent on whether it alone for what works for you and your kiddo.

      2. kebs*

        I reckon I’d agree with the basic philosophy, although not everything. That’s something else I love about AAM, I almost never disagree with Alison’s advice!

      3. Parenthetically*

        Came here to say Janet Lansbury! Love her brisk, practical, compassionate yet no-nonsense approach. I certainly don’t buy into the whole philosophy but the practical stuff has been a godsend for me in my first year as a parent.

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      Books I liked, which take a neuroscience approach:

      Magic Trees of the Mind by Diamond and Hopson, about how the brain develops over time. I had this with my firstborn, now in college, and it was such a help to look at the two year old and think “poor thing her synapses are firing” which really did explain how frustrating things were when she turned two and her 20 minute attention span shot right down to 1 minute.

      The Philosophical Baby and The Scientist in the Crib by Alison Gopnik, who does neuroscience and philosophy. One thing I came to appreciate raising kids and seeing their friends was how the brain does become ready for different things at different stages, especially handling more and more abstract concepts. (She has a more recent book, too, which is probably on similar lines; these are the two I recall reading and then calling back to with lots of “aha, yes, this makes sense.”)

      On a more traditional child-rearing advice, along the lines of How To Talk: Raising Resilient Kids by Brooks and Goldstein. A couple of things that really stuck with me–they talk about scripts, patterns we fall into with our kids where we all repeat the same lines over and over, even if none of us like the result. First, they openly admit that while working on this research, and giving presentations on it, including to their kids’ teachers, their families had some negative scripts that they kept playing out despite all that abstract knowledge. (Also, the sample conversations in the book tend to have the kids saying kid stuff like “I dunno” rather than “ah, I see your wisdom and shall adapt my behavior forthwith.”) Second, if you’re stuck in a negative script with someone, and one of you is 7 and one of you is 40, it’s probably on the 40 year old to dig deep, find some maturity, and set about changing that dynamic. Can’t count how many times I’ve been reminded of that, with 40 year olds who wish their 7 year olds would take on that onus.

    5. King Friday XIII*

      It’s a podcast, but One Bad Mother is pretty awesome, and if you miss the commentariat it has a really active community of facebook groups too.

    6. Sylvie*

      I will second Care & Feeding on Slate. They have a podcast called “Mom & Dad are Fighting” that I love. It’s conversation and Q&A/advice with three parents of kids in three different age groups (teenager, tween, and elementary/preschool). I find their advice to be funny but very thoughtful. They also have a great Facebook group that is an extension of the conversations on the Podcast.

      For the pregnancy/baby stage I enjoy the blog Pregnant Chicken, which tends to be more essays than advice.

      I’ve tried Janet Landsbury’s podcast and book and her stuff is so-so for me. She comes across as kind of judgmental and I didn’t find her advice very practical. She does give you some scripts for difficult situation but not much advice about what to do when kids go off-script, as they are apt to do. I did take a few good nuggets away, though.

      Alpha Mom is a great blog with a terrible name. I love the Amalah advice column and her extensive archives are great for advice on all kinds of issues. She doesn’t post very often, though.

      If you’re more research-minded I would recommend the podcast Your Parenting Mojo, which can be a bit dense but is a nice evidence-based look at a variety of parenting topics.

      A blog that seems to be fairly popular among moms I know is Coffee & Crumbs. It’s more essays than advice, but there is some lovely writing there. They also have a podcast which I tried, but I found the hosts vapid and insufferable.

      1. Sylvie*

        One more – I love the site Lucie’s List for babies and toddlers. Their gear guides are great but they also have guides for different stages and situations (ie potty training).

    7. Amey*

      I really love Aha! Parenting which is Dr Laura Markham – she’s gentle parenting with a clear evidence base and lots of practical advice. Her book Peaceful Parents, Happy Kids is really good but her website is a real treasure trove.

      For advice columns, I quite like Meghan Leahy’s column in the Washington Post – I don’t agree with absolutely everything but some of her advice is very good.

  12. nep*

    I reckon this might have come up in past threads–?
    For those who have done intermittent fasting, what’s been your experience? During what hours do you eat and what have been the results in how you feel? weight loss? energy?
    Was just reading an article about a woman who says she feels at her absolute best since she started eating only between 11am and 7pm. (I do know I feel much better when I stop eating several hours before bed.)

    1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

      I’ve never done it formally, but I feel a lot better when I don’t eat for several hours after I wake up (grad student, so my wakeup times tend to vary a lot) and at least an hour or two before I go to bed (again, actual times vary a lot). I tend to feel less bloated and “gross” overall when I avoid eating during those times, although what I eat matters a lot there too. I’m not sure if I’m consistent enough about it to actually tell if it makes a difference in my energy levels on a macro level, though. It also seems to take several hours for my stomach to “wake up” after I get up, so unless my schedule’s very busy and I know I won’t be able to eat during my “core food hours” it’s a lot better for me to wait.

      You could look into The Buddha’s Diet (book), which talks about eating only during certain hours. Joe Yonan at The Washington Post tried it a year or so ago, so you might want to see if you can find that series of articles; however, IIRC the focus there may have been weight loss, which I know can be triggering for people.

    2. Oh Fed*

      Hi nep! I have been IF for about 2 months, so total newbie here. I have two different routines: primary is a 16 hour fast 6pm-10am. I have black coffee w/ a tsp of ground cacao butter at 4am before a morning walk. I have a salad around 10am and then some dinner btwn 4-6p. The other routine is stopping at 2pm and eating when I get up at 4am. When I do this, I eat eggs and some avocado and Ezekiel bread, sliced tomatoes with my coffee.
      I started IF 2x per week but mostly keep it 5-6 days per week. Some days I am just hungry and then I listen to my body and eat! But mostly I find that I am usually not hungry at all now that I am not grazing all day. I have more energy than I can ever remember.
      I am a woman 45-50 yo, 5’2”. Weighed 147lbs in Jan, 128lbs this morning. I also stopped eating candy from the candy dish that I set out at work and stopped having 5 cups/day of coffee with creamer. And exercise (30-120min walking) 7 days a week.

      1. nep*

        That’s quite something, eating nothing between, say, 1030 and 5pm. I would surely lose weight doing that.
        Well done on the weight loss and health/energy gains.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          I think it’s the reverse–Fed has breakfast at 10:30, dinner a bit before 6, and the fast is through the other end of the clock.

          From the WaPo article on this I think it works like any other diet where you restrict how much you eat, and the key is finding a means of doing that that works for you. So start with shorter fasts and as Fed says, not every day of the week, and see what works–a fast that ends at 8 am that you can stick to is better than one that ends at noon that you can’t.

          1. nep*

            Right–I got that the fast is on the other end. Fed said there’s a meal around 10 then dinner between 4 and 6…that’s a long stretch, too.

        2. Oh Fed*

          Correct on all accounts and clarifications. My previous eating pattern was meals at 4am, 10:30, 2p, mindless grazing from 4-8pm with coffee and candy inbetween all day long. I was eating to stay awake and alert despite sleeping 9–11 hours a night. Fasting has really just given me the ability to recognize what being even a little hungry feels like. Most of my weight loss has probably come from ditching a ton of sugar and the calories for the two additional meals that I was eating. Exercise has given me energy to replace what I was grabbing the caffeine and sugar for. Now I sleep about 7 hours a night and go for a walk when I feel like I am going to nod off.

    3. Ninja*

      I do 5:2, so five days a week I eat normally and two days a week I eat 400 calories- all in an evening meal. Yes, you’re hungry to start with but I got used to it, and now I don’t notice it. I don’t weigh myself and wasn’t looking to lose weight, but it’s a nice way to cut back on sugar and booze without giving them up. And it’s very flexible. I shift the fast days around depending on my social life.

      1. Middle School Teacher*

        Can I ask what you eat on your two days? I tried the 5:2 and I just couldn’t figure out what to eat those days!

        1. Yet another Kat*

          So for me, I mostly just don’t, because I don’t like to actively count calories. When I do eat things, I make sure that they will end up well under 500 so I don’t have to count to get under that mark. Thge things I do eat are:
          tea eggs (you could also do hard boiled eggs, but my usual post gym breakfast is chinese bakery, so switching up to tea eggs from a noodle cart feels like I’m not denying myself)
          miso soup or bone broth
          draft latte from la colombe or iced americano w cold foam from starbucks (I have a thing about foam)
          11 cherries (they’re my fav fruit and they’re in season, and 11 is approx 50 calories, so I guess here I AM counting…)
          chilled tofu with chili garlic, soy sauce, pickled ginger, etc

      2. Yet another Kat*

        I’ve been doing this as well… Are you doing 24 hours, or 36ish? I’ve been doing 24 (so for example I stopped eating at 2pm yesterday, and will begin eating again at 2pm today, rather than going to bed, then fasting the next day, then going to be, then eating the day after that.) I don’t know if I could make the 36 hours thing work with me social (mostly nights) and workout (mostly early mornings) schedule, but I somehow feel like 24 hours is cheating?

    4. Eloise*

      I didn’t set out to do intermittent fasting, but noticed (because I was tracking meals/calories with a goal of weight loss) that I had fallen into a habit of skipping breakfast, and it works well for me. Basically, I’m eating only between 11 am and 7 pm (ish). I’m not super-strict about it, but more often than not I have coffee in the morning, then nothing else until lunch. I’m no hungrier on those days than on others — in fact, I think eating breakfast leaves me hungrier by lunchtime. And it makes staying within my goal range for calories much easier.

      1. Red Reader*

        I find that once I start eating on any particular day, I have to keep going to stay on an even keel or else deal with blood sugar swings. But if I don’t start eating, I seem to have no problems and can go “oh, it’s 3pm and I haven’t eaten anything today. I should fix that.” So my best way to cut down on snacking is to not eat until mid-afternoon, aye. And then I go to bed at 9. So while IF wasn’t the goal, I do sort of do so in that I generally only eat between about 1-7pm on most days. (Doesn’t help with the junk food though. Hah.)

      2. Gaia*

        I find the same thing about breakfast! On the (very rare) days that I eat early in my morning I am about ready to gnaw my own arm by the time noon rolls around. But if lunch is my first meal, I find I’m hungry but not starving. I’ve always wondered why that was!

      3. The New Wanderer*

        I didn’t know it was known as intermittent fasting but that’s been my eating schedule for years. I have coffee with milk and sugar, so some calories in the morning, but nothing until early lunch around 11 am. I usually have a mid afternoon snack and then dinner around 6:30. Rarely have anything after dinner. I’m never hungry for breakfast (I will make exceptions for waffles or pancakes though!) and I’ve found that eating breakfast doesn’t push my lunch hunger any later so I just end up having an extra meal that I don’t need.

    5. Fiennes*

      My partner and I have been doing this for about 4 months. He’s lost a good amount of weight, but I haven’t. (The disparity is partly that he’s a guy, partly that I’ve had some down time due to sickness and injury, so I’ve been really sedentary.) We’ve both noticed that our appetites have adjusted well, and I’m craving sweet stuff a lot less often. My partner has managed to lose about 12 pounds while putting on considerable muscle, so it’s working for him very well.

      We eat 16/8–all meals are between 1 pm and 9 pm. (His work schedule means we can rarely eat dinner before 8.) I have coffee with some milk in the mornings. After we finish our summer travels, I plan to incorporate two days a week of low calorie intake.

      My main hope is that this is helping my body process things in a healthier way. My dad was diagnosed with diabetes earlier this year, and while I’ve never had his issues with food, I definitely want to make some changes now.

      1. ket*

        Some women report that a longer eating window works better for them (assuming you’re female as you note that partner is a guy). If you run into trouble at any point, search for the experiences of women doing IF. That 8-hour window works well for some and others find it wreaks some hormonal havoc, and find a 10-hour window works better for them.

    6. Undine*

      I don’t do intermittent fasting, but my tendency when really stressed or depressed is to stop eating, so for the past twenty years or so, I have eaten a big lunch and no dinner. I do snack at work, so basically I don’t eat anything after 5 most of the time. What I’ve found for me is:
      If I’m doing this, I need animal protein, it digests much slower and I don’t crash.
      I’m actually hungrier and think more about food if I have three small meals. And I don’t feel as balanced.
      I need breakfast, and if I’m doing something physical it has to be substantial. I have tried eating a big dinner the night before, but it doesn’t sustain me the same way. I’ve only been consistently doing breakfast everyday for the past couple of years, but it makes a huge difference.
      It’s not a miracle, I’m not fantastically energetic, but it works best for me to sustain energy through the day.
      About 10 years ago, I went to Italy with a friend who was very amused by what he called the “snake” diet (because snakes only eat once a month or so), and he claimed that he actually lost weight on that trip. But I think that was because he was eating less and moving more.
      Overall, I think my hunger signals are not great, so what I look for for me, is am I feeling tired or lightheaded, and I readjust for that.

      Food is very individual. I would say, expanding your awareness of how food affects you from just your stomach to your whole body, mood, etc., is probably more useful than any preset pattern of eating. If you can see how food affects you, then you can fine tune it for yourself. But, as I said, I tend to not eat, which means that food affects me more, so I get better immediate feedback.

    7. Middle School Teacher*

      I can’t eat as soon as I get up; it makes me a bit nauseous. And I also find I can’t eat right before bed, but I’m I’m super hungry I can’t sleep. My solution is to eat a late supper (usually around 7pm). In the morning I usually just drink lots of water until I’m more awake.

      I’ve also done juice fasts (the one I do has me consuming 1500 calories over the course of a day) and I do feel better after those three days, but those three days are a nightmare haha.

    8. Gaia*

      I never meant to, but I find I sort of naturally end up in that pattern. I’ve never been able to eat breakfast. The very notion of waking up and eating is….so insane to me. It upsets my stomach to eat even 2-3 hours after I wakeup. I usually wakeup around 5am and my first food will be around 9 or 10am (and even that is usually just a handful of berries or maybe a hard boiled egg). I then have lunch around 12 or 1 and dinner around 6. There is the rare day I wake up starving and on those days I listen to my body and I make a protein smoothie (protein powder, frozen raspberries, Fage 0% yogurt, water).

      Right now everything is a bit off because of the medication I’m taking to help with my weight loss, but this was true even before that.

    9. LCL*

      Not through deliberate attempt, rather over scheduling and the laziness that comes with it, on some days I don’t eat until lunch, and my last meal was dinner around 6 pm the night before. It always makes me weak and sick, and when I finally eat I feel full but sick, sleepy and detached afterwards. So intermittent fasting isn’t something I will be trying.

    10. fposte*

      I’m experimenting with the 16:8 protocol (8 hours a day where you can eat). I couldn’t do the intermittent fasting day by day; I don’t tolerate any of the liquids you can drink and I get superhungry in a day. But 16:8 works really well for me–I basically skip breakfast and don’t eat in the evening. It seems to be helping stabilize my Crohn’s, and I think I’m losing a little weight; I’ll be curious to see in a month or so if it’s had any effect on my cholesterol. And while I don’t get oppressively hungry, I do get some hungry, and I *like* that; I feel like it’s a sensation we’ve practically banished in contemporary America as if it were a medical problem rather than something most people should feel on a regular basis. I also get a lot more excited about lunch :-).

    11. nonprofit director*

      I don’t really call it intermittent fasting, but I am careful to 1) eat at least three hours before I need to go to bed and 2) not eat again until about 14 hours after my last meal from the previous day. I started doing this primarily because it’s part of a larger protocol for some health-related stuff. I definitely sleep better when I give my food plenty of time to digest. And my fasting glucose/A1c is the best it’s ever been, which is something I had been struggling with for the past 10 years; both are now in the “optimal” range. All other blood and urine markers look really great.

    12. Triple Anon*

      I feel better when I wait a few hours before eating after I wake up. When I wait to eat until I’m really hungry. There’s a lot of advice out there saying you have to eat breakfast first thing in the morning, that it’s important for your overall health and to maintain a healthy weight. Maybe I’m weird, but I’ve had the opposite experience.

      As for fasting, I think it can be great. I just try to drink a lot of water and avoid over exertion. When I was younger, I used to do a week-long fast about once a year. Now I only fast for a day or two every so often. It seems to clear out the toxins and re-energize me. I don’t know about the science behind it, but a lot of cultures have some kind of fasting tradition, so there probably are benefits from it.

      1. seewhatimean*

        you’re not weird. My mom occasionally has said to me over the years that I am why they stopped having cooked English breakfasts. I remember being pressured horribly to eat first thing before going to school…and being ill from it. I always had a snack in my school bag for first recess, when I _would_ be hungry.

        My son has been the same way since very little. He drives my mom nuts, because she has never learned to accept that her very rigid food schedule doesn’t work universally. I guess she didn’t learn much from dealing with me!

        My folks and my sister both eat immediately and always have. Very routine, very much the same day to day. I think they are the weirdos. :D

    13. Annoyed*

      Don’t know if this will help at all…

      I eat when I’m hungry, whenever that happens to be. I don’t worry about what I eat because ok grapes now, cheese in a couple of hours, steak on Thursday, I figure it all evens out.

      My numbers (sugar, cholesterol, etc.) are good so I figure I’m ok. I have several autoimmune disorders so feeling “good/well/not well” is a crap shoot on any given day. I never fast.

      Husband is an observant Muslim. He fasts from time to time just because and does the full monty at Ramadan.

      Sometimes he’s fasting upwards of 19 hours. After about the first 9 days he’s no longer a raging grouch, feels pretty good physically, and loses an average of about eight pounds each Ramadan.

  13. TheLiz*

    So my husband’s family are coming to stay with us for a week. It’ll be fun, I’m looking forward to it, but my MIL is on a low-FODMAP diet, I think? She can’t eat gluten anyway, but now avoids onions, raisins and a bunch of other stuff she won’t discuss because she doesn’t want to complain or put people out. Which I respect, but… it’s going to be a week, and trying to eat out in a group of seven with one Jew, three and a half vegetarians and her, in Germany where I don’t trust people not to put bacon in things, is a special kind of Hell and I’d honestly rather cook every meal to her specifications than attempt it.

    Recipe suggestions? I’m happy to cook something separate for her, since making things that will keep literally everyone happy for seven main meals is just not happening.

    1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

      Maybe some kind of make-your-own-pasta thing with gluten-free pasta? So have a couple (easy/cheap) sauces and some toppings.

      Also, any chance you (or your husband) can get more information out of your FIL about good things to have on hand if she doesn’t want to ask for herself?

    2. misspiggy*

      Look at miss-south.com. Lots of easy FODMAP friendly recipes. And Cooking On A Bootstrap has some good recipes which avoid onions.

    3. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Darn I was going to suggest salad plus cooked chicken breast but that won’t work for vegetarians. Maybe salad plus vegetarian main plus batch cook a bunch of marinated chicken breasts for her (can be served cold) and she can have or not veggie main depending on onion/tomato/etc content?

      1. Natalie*

        I think your salad idea would work just fine for vegetarians, you just need an additional non-meat protein. Hard boiled eggs, cheese, edamame, chickpeas, and cold lentils all go well on a salad.

    4. Red Reader*

      I have a special kind of glower for people who come to my house but refuse to tell me what their food sensitivities are. Like, thanks for actively causing me stress by making it harder for me to host you. “I’m trying not to inconvenience you!” YOU ARE FAILING. Humph.

      Maybe point it out that way, and you can get some useful information out of her?

      Otherwise, lots of assemble your own. Sandwich bar (with GF bread available), baked potato bar, taco bar, pasta bar.

      1. Lady Jay*

        I have a special kind of glower for people who come to my house but refuse to tell me what their food sensitivities are. Lordy, yes. I once hosted a couple new to town. I knew she was gluten free, my roommate was gluten free, and so I had a good sense of how to cater to that particular dietary need. Happy too. Made a beautiful summer salad with lots of bell peppers, blueberries, greens, and gorgeous seasonal corn.

        Come to find out, as we’re sitting down to supper, she’s allergic to corn, too.

        We rummaged through the freezer, found something for her to eat, and overall had a good time. But I get the frustration of having people with easily-avoidable dietary needs not tellyou about those needs. I’m happy to accommodate, but I’m not a medium!

        1. TL -*

          Corn is not an easily avoidable dietary need – it is by far the most difficult of my allergies to manage.

        2. Kuododi*

          That’s one of many reasons I adore my extended family. They all know I have some very minor food “sensitivities”. (Technically, I probably can’t call them allergies since it’s none of the EpiPen type problems. Just ….”gastric distress” shall we say?) If we are getting together, they are fantastic about shooting me a quick text to check about the food plans during the visit and I fill them in on what they’ve listed and if it is going to be alright with my concerns. Like I SD though,
          my food reactions are few and minor. It’s really NBD to work around them and have plenty of good grub for all the visitors. I’m very thankful I don’t have the hard core food allergies and wouldn’t wish that on anyone..Best wishes

      2. blackcat*

        I know one woman like this. I got all of the information from her husband, my long term friend. And then when she showed up, she proceeded to make a Big. To. Do. about how rude my friend was for “dictating the menu.” Hey, I can make a nice shellfish free meal! That’s not even hard!

        Unsurprisingly, she also gets upset if people make requests about eating in her home. So when her husband (again, my long term friend) left her in charge of dessert, she made it strawberry EVERYTHING. When she put it on the table, the odor was so overwhelming I had to immediately leave, take puffs of my inhaler, and down some benedryl. My friend looked HORRIFIED as it happened. He knows my allergies (strawberries are the worst, but I have another few odd ones including mustard) and has been diligent about avoiding them when hosting me.

        But apparently, to her, a guest cannot dictate what is served. So that means she does not warn people she is allergic to shellfish, but also does not believe in accommodating others’ allergies.

        Unfortunately, she also does not believe that people of the opposite sex should be friends, so cutting her out (because, woah, she’s an asshole) has meant I don’t get to see my friend anymore. And that makes me sad.

        2. Thursday Next*

          I don’t understand how someone can want to invite people over, then get offended if they want to discuss serious allergies. That seems like the opposite of being a gracious host.

          1. blackcat*

            It’s so baffling!

            But my MIL was similar–she got pretty upset when I requested that allergies be accommodated but then deeply offended when I refused to eat at her house (for fear of encountering hidden allergens). But with her, it was a combination of her not liking me and not believing in food allergies. She genuinely did not believe I could have them.

            This woman HAS HER OWN ALLERGIES. And is just an asshole about all things allergy-related. And that’s so baffling to me.

    5. Falling Diphthong*

      Gluten free vegetarian is tough. I think I would aim for have a meat on the table, have a grain on the table, lots of vegetables, and let people assemble around those. And remember not to put bacon/butter/garlic/vinegar as an automatic seasoning on lots of things.

      1. pcake*

        I’m a wheat-free vegetarian. That means I can eat baked potatoes, dairy, omelettes, pizza at Blaze and Disneyland, scrambled eggs, gluten-free pasta (they sell lots of kinds at the store), a wide variety of Mexican foods, mashed potatoes (there are some really tasty gravy mixes to top them with. There are lots of restaurants around me I can eat at (and it’s usually easy to check out the menus online), and Olive Garden has a tasty children’s gluten-free pasta plate you can order with gluten free marinara (their regular marinara has flour in it) that is all the pasta I can eat comfortably.

        They make gluten-free pancake mix, cake mix, corn bread mix (Krusteaz makes my favorites, and they’re also the cheapest).

    6. Ali G*

      My mom has IBSD and is on a gluten free, lactose free, low FODMAP diet. By far the biggest offenders are garlic and onions and some leafy greens.
      My mom typically brings a lot of her own food when she visits, or if that’s not possible, we take a trip to the grocery store when she gets here so she can stock up. Is that a possibility? Maybe not single her out, but take a few people along to get necessities for the week?
      I like the other ideas of “build your own” bars. Tacos – corn tortillas, mushrooms for the veg folk, and keep the peppers and onions separate.
      Stuffed baked potatoes, salads, pasta, rice/noodle bowls all have many options.

      1. Natalie*

        Pet peeve re: mushrooms as a vegetarian substitute – they provide bulk and texture that can be similar to meat but they’re not usually a good source of protein. A grain/legume combo (like rice and beans) would be a better option.

        1. Overeducated*

          Unfortunately the one person i know on a low FODMAP type diet can’t eat beans, soy, dairy, or grains. She basically eats tons of meat and vegetables. I don’t know how much variability there is but I am afraid vegetarian + that diet is just not possible.

          1. Natalie*

            My understanding is that most people only do the super-restrictive version for a few months and then they add stuff back in and see what specific items cause them problems. Even with your friends restrictions you could probably go vegetarian if you were willing to eat a million eggs, but sounds like vegan would definitely be near impossible.

          2. Natalie*

            Also I don’t think the low FODMAP person in TheLiz’s family is vegetarian, it sounds like other people are. So the beans & rice would be for them, and meat for MIL.

            1. TheLiz*

              My MIL isn’t vegetarian but my husband is and I’m Jewish so meat is too complicated. Fish and rice I was planning on, though.

              I don’t really do beans or lentils, but I’m good to start. They’d be on the side, because I *hate* the texture, but I’m happy to cook them for others.

      2. ket*

        Agree with taco bar! Similar ideas: build-your-own bowl (rice bowl, quinoa bowl, spiralized/shredded zucchini bowl). Make your own lettuce wraps — have tofu, meat, shredded carrots, etc.

        Low FODMAP can be so individual. She really needs to tell you what seems ok and what doesn’t. I can’t eat a lot of tapioca starch, but I can eat a whole head of garlic, no problem. My mom avoids onions now. It’s just not straightforward.

        1. Ali G*

          It IS so individual! My mom tried to add some things back in slowly and she couldn’t handle it. Some people can do that in small amounts, but nope, not mom.
          Also – OP if you are still here, I just remembered, there is this spice called asafetida spice that my mom says is a great sub for onion and garlic. It’s…not cheap and very strong. You use no more than like an 1/8th a teaspoon for any given recipe, but a lot of people use it.
          Also some people can tolerate chives and/or the green portions of scallions. But like ket said – she really needs to tell you what she can do and what she can’t. You can’t guess at this stuff. Before my mom got her diagnosis we had to take her to urgent care one night after we ordered sandwiches from the local place we love and she ended up puking for hours.

    7. Thursday Next*

      GF vegan here (though I have a weakness for cheese and ice cream that Must. Be. Kicked.), seconding the ideas for assemble-your-own pasta, salad, sandwich/(veggie) burger and taco buffets. This is the only way we can make family meals work! And the good thing is you can do a lot of vegetable prep that will see you through a couple of those variations.

      I don’t know about the availability of convenience foods in Germany, but if you’re preparing buffets, some amount of pre-prepped foods will help you cut back on work dramatically. So for pasta, maybe prepackaged meatballs, so you don’t drive yourself crazy.

      One note—many vegetarian meat substitutes are built on gluten, so read ingredients if you’re getting veggie burgers and things like that. Canned black beans are great for quick taco fillings or veggie burger patties.

      1. TheLiz*

        I wouldn’t tend to go for meat substitutes because they taste of disappointment :p They’re also not all that common near me for some reason.

        1. Gaia*

          I laughed really hard at “they taste of disappointment” because I found it just so damn true.

          About five years ago I found myself suddenly feeling very strongly about the cruel way animals raised for meat are treated in this country and I decided that meant I needed to not be part of that process and I would become vegetarian. I lasted about two months before I caved in spectacular fashion. The worst part of it was the meat substitutes. I would bitterly eat them but they just didn’t taste the same.

        2. CB in Germany*

          I don’t know where in Germany you are, but I’ve seen vegan sections in the bigger Rewes in Frankfurt. They tend to be in the refrigerated section near the hummus and Frikadellen.

        3. hermit crab*

          I agree that they taste of disappointment — except for Trader Joes fake chorizo.* It’s surprisingly good. Perhaps because regular chorizo is mostly about spices anyhow? It’s soy based, though, so not compatible with everyone’s dietary preferences/needs, and probably doesn’t help you over in Germany.

          *And, weirdly, fake chicken nuggets. Possibly because they take that nostalgic overly processed taste to the next level…?

          1. Thursday Next*

            I hear you on the chicken nuggets! I had similar feelings about corn dogs, which I wrote about below.

            1. A bit of a saga*

              I would never eat real chicken nuggets but it’s true the veggie ones are good! Both Aldi and Lidl have them where I live and as those are German chains I’d be surprised if they don’t stock them in Germany too

        4. Thursday Next*

          Oh, the disappointment potential is high! That’s why I prefer foods that are just food—beans, tofu, e.g.—rather than highly processed substitutes. Although years ago I would eat veggie corn dogs, since that’s a pretty distinctive item, and the meat original is already highly processed.

          I recommend canned beans—I’m too lazy to deal with dried ones. And I’m not big on lentils, but I used canned ones mixed into food in small quantities.

          My MIL keeps kosher & she likes eating at my place or my parents’ because she knows everything will be fine for her. So vegan + kosher is an easy combo, and even vegan + kosher + fish/eggs (served in separate items but at one meal) is relatively straightforward to pull off (I have hosted family meals for Jewish holidays).

    8. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Honestly, my approach to any kind of food restrictions, for ANY reason, is that the person has to help me not screw it up. If they’re not willing to help me, then they clearly aren’t that serious and if they aren’t then why should I be? Definition of help: give me suggestions of ok things, offer to cook a meal entirely, help cook, bring your own food, etc.

      The times this has come up I’ve never had an issue. I have a gluten free friend for medical reasons, and I flat out told her that I was clueless and needed her help. She helped me plan a meal, helped w/brands that were safe, etc.

      Note: obviously, if there’s a medical reason I’ll make an effort, but if you’re telling me you’re vegan then turn around and eat normal cheese while knowing that it’s normal cheese, you just lost my tolerance/respect. And don’t expect me to bend over backwards to accommodate your dietary restrictions that are really hard for me to figure out when you’re not willing to even do the easy parts.

      1. Thursday Next*

        Agreed on effort/information. But there are gradations that people might not want to get into. For instance, I have some degree of lactose intolerance, and a high degree of egg intolerance. So mostly I’m vegan. However, aged cheeses are much lower in lactose than milk, so I know that I can eat X amount of Parmesan in a week with no ill effects. And in the summertime, I’ll admit to a craving for ice cream—so if I “budget” my lactose consumption, I can have it every couple of weeks on one of my daughter’s weekend ice cream outings.

        In general, because I have a lot of restrictions myself, the meals I prepare for guests tend to cover a lot of food restriction bases, so I’ve never felt “put out” by any requests. (Also, I’m making stuff more palatable to my kids, who don’t have restrictions, so there’s a variety.) And if I’m a guest, people who know me well make sure some of what they serve is stuff I can eat, or I choose from whatever they’re serving that fits my needs, or I bring/make my own stuff. It depends on what I think will be easiest for the hosts.

    9. Saskia*

      I follow a low-FODMAP diet, and I agree with other posters that your MIL absolutely needs to inform you of what foods she must completely avoid & what she can eat. Within the low-FODMAP framework there are a lot of individual differences, so it’s not possible to know for sure what MIL can and can’t eat unless she communicates with you.

      It’s not realistic for you to be hosting her without this crucial information!

      I suggest you ask your partner to wrangle MIL. Let them tell MIL that withholding information about her diet is putting you out more, and that it will be doing you a favour to inform you about her restrictions in detail.

      Once you have a list of what must be completely avoided, it’s easier to search for recipes and start shopping. For example, if you bought sauces without knowing she can’t eat cooked tomato, it would be a total wast of effort and money. Likewise if you relied on beans & lentils only to discover she can’t eat them once she arrives.

      If you make a buffet-style arrangement I think that would work the best for your complex needs.

      Baked potatoes are an excellent option if she can eat them, since you can cook a lot at once & use them for salads the next day. Good luck!

      1. TheLiz*

        Baked potatoes were very much “on the list”, and potato salad wasn’t bit should be because I know MIL likes/can eat mine.

        I got an actual list out of my SIL, who lived at home between degrees and thus nobody feels bad. I do like my in-laws, honest…

        Buffet style would work very well, but the English tend to look down on them somewhat. (Husband and I are recovering English, in-laws don’t think they have a problem). Lunches will be shift-for-yourself, though.

        1. TheLiz*

          Thanks, everyone. I’m feeling a bit better now I’ve remembered that I can make kedgeree (smoked fish and eggs with a little bit of hard cheese, served on rice). I’m even good at it, it’s interesting and it’ll do for two days. Combining that with baked potatoes, potato salad and some sort of tuna/rice thing and I’ll muddle through. For lunch, I don’t know, sandwiches on GF bread and some degree of restaurant hell. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof, or something.

  14. Barbara*

    Yes I have done things like this. The 5-2, eating only 500 cals 2 days a week. This version didn’t work for me because I was too hungry. The 16-8 version, eating only 8 hours a day, helped me. I was more energetic and lost some weight but it was difficult to follow because I didn’t have a regular schedule so I couldn’t be always on time at home for my early dinner.
    Something I find helpful is to have early and light dinners. I feel lighter, sleep better and have more energy when I wake up. The weight comes back if you stop. It’s a lifestyle to keep all your life.

  15. nep*

    So Slimming pants by Chico’s, anyone?
    I just found some yesterday at the thrift store–like new. Great pants. So comfortable.
    There is a special place in heaven for whoever started putting spandex in pants. Says the menopausal woman with a mid-section she doesn’t recognise as hers.

    1. Lauren*

      Spandex in pants- amen! I’m with you there. I haven’t tried the pants you’re talking about, but I always look for spandex in pants.

      1. nep*

        When I’m looking through casual pants in the thrift store, if I see a pair that I might like, I give it a tug to see whether there’s some give–Bonus if there is spandex/elastane/whatever to give us a little give. They can look really great too–neat and crisp. All the while super comfortable.

    2. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Awesome thanks for the suggestion! As someone going through medical treatments that cause abdominal bloat plus some weight fluctuations pants are the worst! My old pants I am constantly popping the tab enclosures because of belly changes. It sucks. But it won’t change anytime soon esp if my medical treatments work and I get pregnant. Elastic is the best.

    3. Fiennes*

      On a similar note: has anyone tried BetaBrand clothing? It all looks so comfy and pulled-together.

      1. nep*

        Just looked it up–had never heard of them. What a cool idea–those yoga pants/dress pants. Too pricey for me currently, but nice and I’d like to try them out one of these days.

      2. Pliant Platypus*

        I just got my first pair of pants from them last week. They are ridiculously comfortable and look quite nice. I bought a medium petite, should have gotten a large. Read the reviews, they are quite helpful. They have fantastic options for tall or petite sizes, are also having a 60% off sale now. Otherwise they are a bit expensive.

    4. Nicole76*

      Gotta have the spandex when you have a small waist but hips and a butt. Otherwise there’s a gap in the back that is not comfortable. I’ve gotten really attached to leggings this past year but am having trouble finding long shirts to wear with them so they look nicer.

      1. Workerbee*

        I have fewer long shirts than I’d prefer, myself! I have taken to using long cardigans instead. I have a couple sleeveless ones (so a cross between a soft flowy vest and a cardigan, I guess) and traditional ones with sleeves, depending on the weather and if the building is freezing or overheated.

    5. nonprofit director*

      I know I am the odd one out, but I just cannot stand spandex in pants. Especially denim. I am menopausal, as well, but I go out of my way to avoid spandex and can only tolerate a maximum of 1%. I find pants with more than 1% spandex actually stretch too much and end up bagging in the crotch. Also, when spandex is used, the remaining fabric is too thin and emphasizes my bulges even more. And finally, particularly when the weather is warm, I am way too sweaty and gross-feeling.

      1. MissDisplaced*

        I know what you mean! There is definitely a formula for the spandex/cloth ratio, especially in denim. Some jeans can bag or show all the lumps. Ugh! But I have some black dress slacks from JCP that are my “magic pants” and can withstand anything (bloat, periods, holidays, travel) and still look good.

  16. AlligatorSky*

    A couple of weeks ago I posted saying I felt claustrophobic all the time, and that I wanted to get out of my area. A couple of readers replied saying I was experiencing ‘wanderlust’. I was feeling down about it, because I didn’t have a passport and had no way of leaving the country.

    Happy to say that I had a ‘You only live once, gotta make the most of it’ thought; Cancelled my expired passport, applied for a new one and I now have trips booked to Northern Ireland and Ireland near year! I’m going to Belfast and Dublin to see my favourite band live, and I’m going to make it a fun trip and go exploring!

    Once those trips are over I’ll see if I can expand my horizons and see where else I end up. Thank you to those 2 commenters who have inspired and helped with this trip!

    1. nep*

      Wow–inspiring. I love the way you just own the situation, get things done, and go for it. Wonderful.

      1. AlligatorSky*

        Thank you :-) Planning this also involved standing up to my mother, who doesn’t want this trip to happen. She tried to scare me into cancelling it. I stood my ground, and she’s not going to stop me.

          1. AlligatorSky*

            Yeah, she hates the idea of me being away in another place, having a good time. I’m determined to have the best time ever!

            Thank you nep! <3

    2. RoseberriesMaybe*

      Enjoy yourself! I’m Irish and there’s loads to do in Dublin. Who are you going to see?

      1. AlligatorSky*

        I’m going to see a Scottish band called Chvrches. I’m Scottish too and I’m seeing them play their hometown show in Glasgow. I wanted to see them a couple of times, since I’ve never seen them live before. Since Belfast and Dublin are closer to me than the venues in England, figured I’d make a holiday out of it. Getting to see my favourite band and getting to see places I’ve never been to before – win win situation in my opinion! :)

      1. AlligatorSky*

        Thanks! Wanted to visit those places for years, just never had the time/money or confidence to actually do it. 2019 is the year I actually do them, 2018 being the planning year :-)

    4. Fiennes*

      Yay!!

      In Northern Ireland, be sure to see the Giant’s Causeway (amazing rock formation on a lovely stretch of the coast) and Dunotter Castle.

      1. AlligatorSky*

        I’d add these to my list of things to see – thank you! Always wanted to see Giant’s Causeway!

  17. Kate Daniels*

    Do you splurge on food when shopping for groceries, or do you think this is a waste of money and tend to just pick up the cheapest things? For most of my adult life, I’ve always just bought whatever is cheapest, but I treated myself to some local, fresh food the other week and realized it tastes so much better, so I may have to figure out a way to rearrange my budget to dedicate more to food.

    I bought a bottle of milk from the local creamery instead of the typical $1.50 half gallon from Target and it’s like three times the price, but tastes so, so much better. I am kind of trying to justify doing this as a recurring expense because it’s more environmentally friendly—you rinse and reuse glass bottles instead of recycling plastic. Same with the fresh pasta from Eataly as opposed to the $1 box from the grocery store, or the pint of blueberries from the farmers’ market (but that price differential isn’t too bad).

      1. nep*

        +1
        (though I was pleased to find that the $4.99 bag of plain ol’ Trader Joe’s french roast does nicely when I’m pinching pennies more than usual.)

    2. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

      I splurge. I have GI issues and general food issues. Plus a lot of my “safe” foods are more expensive and harder to find where I am now, and I’ve had a really hard time finding good substitutes. So when I find something that is both unlikely to make me sick and that tastes good, yeah, I’ll splurge on it, although when possible I try to buy in bulk when it goes on sale (or, for fruits and vegetables, I usually just try to buy whatever’s on sale at the time if it looks fresh) and I still do price comparisons.

    3. Red Reader*

      I usually just buy the cheap stuff/grocery store house brand. My only “must have a name brand” that I can think of offhand are cheez-it crackers, Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal and totino’s pizza rolls, haha. But I am also not a foodie, much more of a “food is fuel” type. Like, all root beer tastes the same to me, except Barq’s because whatever they put in it to add caffeine tastes super bitter and I’m a super taster for bitters. This absolutely baffles my husband, who can identify all the fancy root beers by taste and of course likes the most expensive ones best, and I’m just like “Yup, tastes like root beer.”

    4. KayEss*

      I eat a lot of peanut butter, so I buy it in the 4-pound jugs, and I spent a while buying the store brand generic because it was cheaper and also frequently on sale so it cost only 50-60% of what brand-name cost… which felt virtuous, even though I could tell the difference and didn’t like the store brand as much. Then I read a post somewhere with a list of things you “should” buy brand-name instead of generic, and peanut butter was on there. Still not sure if they were joking or not, but I took it as permission to just buy the dang Skippy, already. Six bucks a month is worth it to have peanut butter I like enough to eat plain.

      (On the other hand, I also drink a lot of milk, but I’ll buy the rock-bottom ultra-cheap store brand for a savings of a whopping 50 cents a gallon over the slightly-less-cheap store brand, even though I’m pretty sure I can taste the difference. People are irrational.)

    5. yo*

      I prioritize buying local, organic foods when/if possible. It’s not even about splurging on food for me, it’s about the impact on the environment. I don’t want to have a large carbon footprint and I prefer that they don’t use extra chemicals that can have negative impacts on the environment when growing it. If that means smaller, less visually appealing veggies then so be it!

      I also try to only buy local, humanly treated meat on the rare occasions I do eat it – it tastes better and the animal has suffered less in the process of being raised for me.

      1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

        I agree with this. I buy meat from a local farm share – it’s about $10/lb but was humanely raised, less transit (and less fossil fuel) and been documented in medical lit to be healthier (fat profile esp). I buy organic lunch meats because nitrates in them and other processed meat like hot dogs or sausage are linked to stomach cancer.

        I mostly try to buy organic of the Dirty Dozen produce – anything with a peel is mostly fine conventional. Dairy I always do organic.

        I don’t buy much processed food (chips, cookies, soda) so I save money that way. Also I figure anything at the grocery store is cheaper than a restaurant meal. Mostly we spend ~$120/week for 2 people for all meals plus meat is ~$80/mo.

      2. Woodswoman*

        Same here. At times in my life when I was on a tight budget, I still prioritized organic food and supporting my locally owned grocery stores. I skimped in other areas to make sure I could still afford this.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      For years I bought the cheapest stuff and then my health tanked. Now I am buying “expensive” stuff. For me I tend to believe I can pay now or I can pay later, either way I am going to pay. If I buy the cheaper foods I know I am going to buy more medical help. Comparing the cost of the “expensive” stuff to the cost of health care, is no contest. The expensive food is much, much more cost effective in the long run for me.
      My husband and I had running commentary on dish soap. We could buy the cheap dish soap and then buy a ton of stuff to fix cracked, bleeding hands. How do you put a dollar value on the pain, inconvenience and lost time fixing the cracked bleeding hands?
      I started doing home cooked for my dog and my vet bills went way down. Factoring in the long term view has helped me a lot.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          I went for the ones labeled natural or organic. It’s a little spendy, but my other costs went down so that seems to justify the money. Eventually I started just getting the natural or organic store brand with the soaking system I use, the store brand works okay.
          I did end up keeping a bottle of Dawn for the really bad messes. The bottle lasts quite a while though.
          Also I learned that vinegar does a nice job on loosening up sticky oat, rice or pasta based dishes, no scrubbing, just let it soak for awhile and the stuff comes off by its self.
          I have baking soda in a shaker type bottle and I use that on oily messes first. I shake some on the greasy pan and let it sop up the oil. I can scrape that off into the garbage can which is better than letting it go down the drain.
          Silverware sits soaking in a bowl until I am ready to wash dishes. Usually I have a bowl that needs washing anyway so that becomes my silverware tub for soaking.
          Now a bottle of hand lotions lasts years for me. My hands will get a little dry in the winter but no where near the problems I had before.

    7. HannahS*

      I’m a student so splurging is relative right now, but I come from a family that spends a LOT on food. Good quality fruits and veggies mostly, and decent cheese, which add up. But we almost never eat out–less than once a month, so our overall eating cost winds up being cheaper than most people in the same income bracket. Most people in the Olden Days spent most of their money trying to stay fed; many still live that way. To me, it’s like, what’s money for? I want to feel good about by what I eat. Sometimes that means shelling out for the most expensive kind of apple, or buying green beans out of season, but it can also mean eating bean stews and bread.

    9. Natalie*

      We mix and match, I’d say. My husband snacks like crazy (he’s a giant with a physical job) so he gets the cheapest snacks. (I personally think he’d probably cost the same plus eat healthier if we bought more nutrient dense snacks but that’s a decision he has to make.) We spend more on cheese, meat, and some produce because I really notice the quality difference. I garden a lot as well.

      Where I’d like to spend more but currently can’t afford to is on eggs and dairy. Mostly for ethical, animal rights reasons. But spouse drinks so much milk and needs lactose free so it will be bonkers expensive.

    10. Fiennes*

      It depends. Fresh local produce, good cheeses, free-range organic eggs: worth spending more. With other things, the difference isn’t as substantive.

      I recently read a chef saying you should splurge on the one or two parts of a meal that are the key elements of flavor. The rest doesn’t matter as much.

    11. Overeducated*

      I spent a large chunk of my family’s weekly grocery budget on just farmer’s market peaches, tomatoes, basil, and green beans this morning…so yeah. Key for me is that I don’t splurge on everything every week, I do have a budget so I have to prioritize (like the locally farmed meat and cheese are great, and I’d like to buy greens, onions, etc. from the farmer’s market as well, but I can’t afford to switch entirely and not everything tastes as noticeably different). I think we have to eat every day and good food is one of those sustaining pleasures it is worth making room for in life.

    12. gecko*

      I completely approve of splurging on things you appreciate!! So for instance–I always splurge on getting really good vanilla extract, cause it makes a ton of difference in baked goods (imo) to have good stuff instead of vanilla-flavored “extract.” It’s REALLY good to have super-fresh vegetables, though for that you can pay with your time instead of money–I have a farm store that’s very cheap but a little further away than I usually like. I get good butter, and berries sometimes.

      I feel very, very strongly that it is worth it (“it” being money or time) to eat food that you can savor and enjoy instead of just wolf down until satiated. Both for your health–because then you’re paying attention to what you’re eating–and for your mental health–because then you have these times where you’re just feeling good and that’s incredibly valuable.

      1. Kate Daniels*

        Do you have a recommendation for a particular brand of vanilla extract? I’ve been using McCormick Pure Vanilla Extract for as long as I can remember, but I want to start baking more and improve my baking skills, especially because most of my favorite things to make are vanilla-based like vanilla cake or vanilla buttercream frosting.

        2. Toads, Beetles, Bats*

          Butting in to evangelize about Penzey’s Vanillas. I usually get the single-strength. There was a time in my grad school days when this vanilla was the *only* splurge I would make on food. I wouldn’t even buy cheese, but I’d make sure I had the $40 bottle of vanilla. Alas, due to a vanilla bean shortage, the 16 oz. bottle is a lot more than $40 now. But soooooo worth it.

          1. Sylvan*

            I love Penzey’s so, so much.

            They have very frequent sales that you can find on their Facebook page or via email. But, just a warning, they’re not shy about talking politics.

          2. Nye*

            Penzey’s double-strength vanilla is AMAZING. All their stuff is good, actually, and now that I live far from a store I splash out to mail order from them periodically.

            Generally, I put a lot of time and money into my food. I love to cook and eat, and fresh produce and high-quality ingredients really make a difference. On the flip side, I don’t spend much on packaged convenience foods, so I think it does balance out a bit.

            I shop local farmers markets and small butchers / grocers when I can. I don’t worry much about buying stuff marked as certified organic, since that mostly just means the company was big enough to pay for certification. But I do pay more for produce from smaller, independently owned farms when it’s available.

          3. Teach*

            Penzey’s Vanilla is truly the best. There is a bean in the jar, even, which I use to make vanilla sugar when I finish a jar. You should probably also get the almond extract as well and sniff all the cinnamons to get a new kind. Plus Baking Spice. Add Baking Spice to everything.

        3. gecko*

          Agree on the Penzey’s vanilla extract suggested above. I mostly avoid the supermarket extracts that contain coloring and like, vanilla flavoring.

          1. Nye*

            Artificial vanilla extract has an interesting history – it was initially made from clove oil, then wood pulp byproducts, and now (apparently) it’s usually made from a petrochemical.

            Cook’s Illustrated did a taste-off at one point and I believe they found that most tasters couldn’t tell the difference between natural and artificial vanilla in most baked goods. Some even preferred the artificial for its stronger flavor! Exceptions were for desserts where the vanilla flavor was really prominent, I believe.

            Personally, I am devoted to Penzey’s Double Strength Vanilla and will defend it against all comers.

        4. Cat Herder*

          Buy whole vanilla beans. Scrape the seeds into milk or cream for making ice cream or custard (for instance), strain them out, proceed with your recipe. Now the best part: get a big jar, fill it with sugar, plunge in the bean pod. Vanilla sugar! I’ve used one pod, refilling the sugar jar, for almost a year. OMG, vanilla sugar!

        5. CupcakeCounter*

          Penzey’s is good but I prefer Mexican vanilla to Madagascar so I order from Blue Cattle Trucking Company at Mexicanvanilla . com
          I have the Pure and the Traditional and use them in different things (i.e. only use the Pure for things that get cooked like the vanilla cake since it is 35% alcohol and can be a bit harsh in American buttercream but the alcohol bakes out and leaves that perfect vanilla flavor in cake).

    13. Thursday Next*

      I pay more for stuff that matters to me. My daughter is a dairy monster, so I buy only organic milk and yogurt, local small-dairy when possible. We have a great farmers market a block away from us on Saturdays that has fantastic dairy products.

      I love carrots, and find the taste difference between organic loose carrots and carrots in a bag is pretty sizable!

      Breads and cereals for my family—again, local and organic. Organic wheat doesn’t have the synthetic B vitamins that people with a certain gene deletion can’t process.

      And who could say no to anything from Eately? Hands-down, my son’s favorite food destination.

      But when I was a grad student, I had much less money, so my choices were different. I guess it depends on available resources and personal priorities.

      1. Kate Daniels*

        I live less than a mile from an Eataly and it is so dangerous!!! I love all the pastas and breads as well as the butter and other dairy items from nearby farms and creameries.

    14. neverjaunty*

      There are some things you can buy cheap and it doesn’t matter (generic Rice Krispies, say, vs. name brand), but a lot of things it’s worth splurging on. I’ve just accepted that we like food enough that we’re going to blow a rather large percentage of our budget on it.

    15. Thlayli*

      I buy healthy food. But the cheapest brand of healthy food. For example: read the backs of the packs of ham (lunch meat slices). Some are only 80% pork! Some are 98% pork. I buy the 98% pork stuff. But, some of he 98% stuff is 2 or 3 times the price! I buy the cheapest 98% stuff.

      Same for everything else – I get wholeal bread, whole meal pasta etc, but the cheapest of the healthy brands.

      I will also pay extra for fair trade or free range (not organic fresh food tho coz it goes off too quickly).

      Some specific brands I will pay for – knock off cornflakes are gross for example.

    16. Dan*

      Spend money on what *you* value, food or otherwise. Just remember, if there is no market for something, stores wouldn’t sell it.

      My mom was a bad (ok, bland) cook when I was growing up. But I really enjoyed my aunt’s and grandma’s cooking. (They were dad’s side, go figure.) I always enjoyed going out to eat.

      As an adult, I learned what a “foodie” is. And yeah, it’s a budget priority, so to speak. I spend money on the foods I want to spend it on, even if there are cheaper alternatives. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t buy “the best” everything, but I do spend extra on things that are worth it. For example, when it comes to chicken, I only buy organic chicken thighs. Non-organic usually has saline injections or something, and there is a huge noticable difference between organic and non. I pay for that. I don’t notice the difference in veggies, so I don’t pay extra for that.

    17. SciDiver*

      I grew up in a household that really prioritized good quality food and good cooking. When I went to college, 2 of my 3 other roommates would buy whatever is cheapest since they couldn’t tell the difference/didn’t really care about the food quality. This helped me balance out a little bit, but I definitely still splurge on food (especially good cheese!).

      I also do this to be environmentally conscious and minimize my impact–buying local and fresh helps, and getting creative with things while they’re in season. I eat meat maybe once a week because I’m can’t typically afford more, but the meat I do eat is really good and a worthwhile investment. The Dirty Dozen/Clean Fifteen lists are also good resources for picking out produce when you can’t afford to go 100% organic produce (I’ll take organic tomatoes over organic avocados or organic oranges every time). I’ll buy other staples like beans, rice, and cornmeal in bulk to save money there. Another thing that’s helped is taking the nose-to-tail approach to find new ways to use as much of what I buy as possible: saving bones and vegetable peelings for stock, reserving bacon grease for later use, re-using cooking liquid that would otherwise be discarded in a new dish.

    18. Ranon*

      We splurge, partially because we really like food, partially because impulse shopping in the produce section is so fun, and mostly because the grocery stores within walking distance are of the co-op/ whole foods style, but locally owned (or at least owned within the state rather than a national chain) and generally good citizens of our city. So we pay more but get convenience, higher quality, and general smugness out of the deal. But realistically I’m going to shop at the one that’s on the way if of my commute, it just happens right now that it’s a local co-op and my commute is on foot.

    19. many bells down*

      Because half my family has celiac disease, I’m usually restricted to specific brands of things that are safe. Like, yeah, this soy sauce is $6 a bottle, but it’s the only one at the store that doesn’t contain wheat. There’s seven types of GF pasta on the shelves, but only two of them taste good.

      I don’t really even check the prices most of the time unless it’s a food I know is safe no matter what.

    20. King Friday XIII*

      My household does a mix and match – I pay for the local organic milk and have a handful of ways to get local, humanely-raised meat and fancy cheese. We go to the farmer’s market every week. But I also get a lot of my produce from Imperfect Foods and a lot of the rest of my groceries from places like Grocery Outlet and Big Lots, where the selection is an adventure but when they show up, the fancy organic Annie’s snacks for my kid are cheaper than goldfish at the regular grocery store. It’s absolutely a balancing act and we don’t always fall the same way depending on the week.

    21. Nicole76*

      I have relaxed our food budget recently because some of it is worth the added expense. Plus I started thinking differently about the expense such as – “well, this bag of salmon is expensive ($22) BUT it will feed us for x number of meals AND it’s still cheaper than ordering salmon at a restaurant”.

    22. ket*

      Where I live, going to the farmer’s market is a way to cut costs, even on meat and dairy. We blew through $25 at the farmer’s market this morning but we got green peppers, tomatoes, zucchini & summer squash, potatoes, tricolor ‘green’ beans, 4 pork chops from a local farmer ($14 of the $25 dollars), and a huge purple cauliflower for $4. At the store the cauliflower is at least $2/lb for organic. Are veggies etc cheaper at your farmers’ market or not?

      2. Kate Daniels*

        The produce is roughly around the same cost as what I’d buy in the grocery store. Sometimes it’s cheaper, sometimes it’s a bit more expensive. But other things, like the dairy items, are typically more expensive and just taste so much fresher and better to me! Unfortunately, I don’t have a farmers’ market near me within walking distance that’s open on the weekends (but have a couple of grocery stores nearby), so I have to factor in the cost for the round-trip bus ride to go there.

      3. Toads, Beetles, Bats*

        That sounds like an amazing amount of high-quality food for $25 to me! To answer your question about veggies being cheaper at the farmers’ market v. the grocery store, that has varied widely depending on where I’m living. In my East Coast state, the farmer’s market was always more expensive than the grocery store. Even for things like squash, which seemed to grow themselves. But now that I live in the Midwest, the farmer’s market is cheaper for most things. The downside is that the growing season is short so we can only satiate ourselves with veggies from the farmer’s market about 4 months of the year.

    23. fposte*

      Do you have a budget? I like buying the food I like, so my budget is generous on the grocery line. I live a LCOL existence and don’t live near Whole Foods or Trader Joe’s or anything like that, and I’m not buying to feed many mouths, so splurges are pretty relative, to be fair. But if you’re buying within your budget, I say buy what you’ll enjoy.

    24. Cambridge Comma*

      We start with the cheapest things and work upwards until there’s no improvement, then go back down one level. For some things, you can’t tell the difference and many supermarket own brands are manufactured by the big name brands.
      Where I live, the farmers market is cheaper than the supermarket, because you’re buying direct from the farmer. I gather that in the US, they are more expensive.

    25. Chaordic One*

      I went through a period where I tried to economize by buying only store and generic brands, but I think that name brands are of a little better quality than store and generic brands. I feel like I don’t waste as much if buy name brand foods. (It’s probably that I’ve been psychologically brainwashed into buying the more expensive things.)

      1. Adele*

        My sister was visiting and decided to make lasagne. She bought generic canned tomatoes, tomato sauce, and tomato paste and a cheaper brand of pasta. The lasagne (my mom’s recipe) was good but you could tell the difference from when made with brand name ingredients. The canned tomates, for example, were watery and everything tasted less tomatoey. We had to cook the sauce longer to concentrate it and the came up a bit short.

    26. Lora*

      I have a weird food thing going on. I’m cheap and refuse to spend even grocery store prices for food, and also fussy about getting organic-ish, heirloom varieties and animals raised on pasture, yard eggs.

      I grow most of my own fruit and veggies. I raise a batch of meat chickens every year. I have dairy goats but only milk about 6 months of the year – the rest of the time I get a local dairy that delivers milk, beef and pork they raise on pasture. Once in a while I join a community fishery share for good quality fish, though I’ve been working crazy hours and traveling for work for a few years so it’s off and on.

      I do some baking, buy a giant sack of flour from King Arthur as they’re sorta local to me, and put bread dough in the fridge, bake a chunk of it fresh when I want rolls. I buy giant sacks of rice and economy packages of rolled oats from Costco. I do canning. Weather is weird in New England, so one year I might have lots of tomatoes, another year I might have a glut of bok choy, it’s not consistent. For stuff like that I buy something in bulk from a local farmer – this year it was strawberries, I got three strawberries and the bunnies ate the rest, so I bought a whole tray of strawberries from a nearby farm and froze most of them.

      That said, I am a decent cook and have a lot of go to recipes for granola, overnight oats, breads, ranch dressing variations, etc. I worked it out a few times, revising for inflation occasionally, and I spend the equivalent of $450/month and spend about 1/4-1/3 less time than I used to spend grocery shopping. Plus, I’d rather spend the occasional afternoon pulling weeds and feeding them to the goats and chickens than get nearly run over in a store parking lot all afternoon.

    27. Whatsinaname*

      I usually splurge on food, but I can afford to now. When money was tight, I weighed what was really important to me, things like coffee and high quality bread versus buying the generic brand of other things. Also, I now have to eat gluten free and that in itself makes certain basic food items a splurge. To me, eating also has a sensual component, but that’s not the same for everyone. Also, a lot of inexpensive prepackaged foods are full of chemicals and anything but healthy.

    28. ..Kat..*

      I selectively splurge. I have found items that are worth the splurge to me and items that are not. One way I afford this is to waste less food. I read that Americans waste 1/3 to 1/2 of the food that we buy. I took a month to watch what I was wasting, and cut back on purchases. This means that I plan more meals. And that I don’t buy that yummy-looking item X if I know I won’t have time to cook it, or if I already have enough food for the week. Plus, my husband shops for sales and coupons that save us a lot of money. He isn’t tempted by coupons for stuff we don’t need.

      My husband and I can afford more food luxuries now than we used to. But even with a tight budget, you might be able to afford one or two quality items that a make a difference to you.

    29. AdAgencyChick*

      For some foods I feel it’s worth it, others not. I am happy to spend $$ on good chocolate, milk, ice cream, and eggs, for example; not so much on meat, which I used to get from a CSA until I realized I was spending a lot more but not getting THAT much more satisfaction than I would out of supermarket meat. Plus, the CSA would always send small quantities of each of a bunch of different cuts, so that I would have to save up two months’ worth of pork chops to have enough to make a meal for my husband and me. (We both lift weights and we eat a lot of protein.)

    30. Pliant Platypus*

      I spurge when I can. I utilize several of the farmer’s markets around my area, try to buy things on sale at my local co-op. The co-op also offer the ability to place special orders and buy in bulk. If there is something I truly adore, I try to buy it in bulk, whether this is a tea, yogurt, or frozen product, and this helps tremendously.

    31. Hannah*

      I splurge on some things. I buy local pasture-fed meat (direct from the farmer) because I feel that is an important choice both environmentally and nutritionally. I never buy beef, pork, or lamb from the grocery store, but I sometimes buy chicken, and always get the kind without antibiotics.

      Other things, though, I will splurge sometimes and sometimes buy on the cheap. When things are in season locally, I try to buy them locally. I sometimes splurge on the fancy glass bottle milk, and sometimes not.

  18. LGC*

    So, guys. It’s actually official now – I’m in! And poorer by $255. I think next time I do this I’ll consider running for charity.

    (For those of you who missed it, I ended up backing into a NYC Marathon entry. Apparently if you get a club invite, you have to decide in like two days.)

    Anyway. So, I’m pretty nervous and excited about this, and one of the things I’m most concerned about is the start! I’ve heard it’s pretty cold usually, and you’re out there for a while. I’m already planning my throwaway strategy. Any other tips for cold-weather races?

    1. Justin*

      Bring poncho(s), old shirt/socks/etc for the many hours beforehand. Garbage bags if raining.

      Though it was warm the last three years.

      As for the race itself, unless it’s 30something (possible, but only once in the last 5 years), I always run in a singlet and shorts. Gloves if 40s, hat if wet out. Wear what you’d wear as if running slowly in 15 degrees warmer weather.

      1. LGC*

        I’m pretty much the same way (shorts, singlet, compression sleeves), although I’m just worried about cramping up! Although I’ve been thinking about it and it’s probably not directly related to cold – I feel less thirsty in cold weather.

        I’m still considering half tights just in case.

    2. CheeryO*

      Congrats!

      I had an insane number of layers on for the wait when I ran two years ago. Think two layers of sweatpants, long sleeved shirt, sweatshirt, and parka, all from Goodwill, plus an old towel and heat sheet to sit on. It felt like overkill for the weather (40s), but I was really comfortable, and a lot of people waiting around in just a coat and pajama pants or a bathrobe looked really miserable. It ended up being pretty mild by race time and I was able to start in just my tank top and shorts, but I remember vaguely wishing that I had kept my gloves on.

      1. LGC*

        Yeah, I made the mistake of wearing just a long-sleeved tech top (that wasn’t long enough) and warm-ups (that also weren’t long enough) when I did NYC Half. If it weren’t for my corral getting squeezed to death, I would have been SERIOUSLY miserable!

        I’ll probably raid my local Goodwill for stuff. It’ll be a loan.

    3. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      Congrats LGC! I’m super excited for you. There’s nothing like the NYC Marathon.

      Re: clothing, I can’t add anything else to everyone’s good advice here. Just be a good neighbor and shed your clothing BEFORE the cannon goes off. Don’t be that person that tosses your clothing on the ground, right on the course, just as everyone is getting into a trot. I tripped over a discarded shirt at the start line the first time I ran NYC, went flying, and was really lucky I didn’t get injured (besides a laceration) before I even started.

      (Having some Internet interruptions so apologies if this comment ends up posting multiple times)

      1. LGC*

        I’m having SO MANY FEELINGS about it right now. (For starters, I officially comped my NYRR membership, which…is great, I guess, but it’s also kind of disturbing that I’ve spent so much on races this year that paying them $40 actually saved me money.)

        I’ll try to aim for the bins, of course. In my case, I kind of have to get undressed ASAP – I find it hard to get undressed once I’m moving, and I think I’ll end up in one of the first corrals. From what I’ve seen, the bin situation kind of depends on the corral design, so I’m hoping that there are accessible bins. And port-a-potties.

        1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

          Porta potties definitely won’t be an issue. There are literally thousands of them at Fort Wadsworth. Can’t speak to the bin situation though. And yes, you will be starting a lot earlier as a competitive runner, which was the one thing I didn’t like so much about that race as a slower runner (hearing the cannon, hearing Sinatra crooning New York New York, seeing runners happily on the Verrazano Bridge, and then having to wait another hour was…sucky, though with all those runners there’s really no alternative!)

        2. Justin*

          Yeah there are thousands and thousands of portapotties. Go early, then go again, and you’ll be fine.

          And then there are portapotties every mile that isn’t on a bridge (which is how I saw a lady pooping on the Queensboro last year… just go before that, girl)

          1. runner*

            From what I remember, before hitting the Queensboro bridge there is a large amount of porta-potties and so there was no wait. I’d been needing to go but there was always a wait then a glorious wall of porta potties right before that bridge (this is the kind of thing you can really only talk to with other runners/athletes or people look at you funny)!

            If you can have someone wait for you with warm clothes that is nice too, I finished later than you will but it is November and between the weather and the stopping running I was freezing in no time. I had to ask my friend to go get me a hot chocolate.

            1. Grumpy*

              I did the hard walk for a poncho at the end and I’m picking that option again this year. At the start I had an ugly old parks that didn’t fit, it worked well. Yes, it is waaay too much money but it’s also an amazing experience.
              Glad you’re in. Please post your training updates?

              1. LGC*

                That reminds me, I’ve been meaning to blog!

                I’m actually pretty active on Strava as well, but that’d out my RL info. (Also, I’m…a pretty interesting person. By that I mean my posts get weird sometimes.)

          2. LGC*

            (which is how I saw a lady pooping on the Queensboro last year… just go before that, girl)

            I mean, I’m happy for her that she was able to live her truth in that moment, and sometimes nature calls and won’t allow you to put her on hold, but…

  19. Foreign Octopus*

    I need to clean the cushion covers of my sofa, which has attracted a lot of damp and is a bit mold-dusty from it. I think that just detergent and fabric conditioner won’t cut it. I do have a vinegar solution but I wonder if that’s okay to wash the covers in the washing machine with? I’ll then do another wash afterwards.

    Good idea? Bad idea?

    1. SpellingBee*

      A vinegar solution shouldn’t hurt the washing machine at all, if that’s your concern. Are you sure your cushion covers are machine washable, though? Some are, some aren’t, and it doesn’t always make sense just from fabric content. On a related note, I recently found out that you can clean microsuede (which is what my sofa is covered in) with rubbing alcohol. I was skeptical but it works brilliantly! My cushion covers aren’t removable so it’s a great option for me.

    2. WS*

      A vinegar solution is great for your washing machine – it cleans off remaining soap scum!

    3. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      Be wary of any suggestions to use vinegar. In my experience, people suggest it for a lot of things (maybe there’s a strong vinegar lobby in the US?) and it almost never works for anything, except for adding a tangy flavor to salads. At least vinegar has the virtue of being cheap, and no, it won’t hurt your washing machine.

      1. AnonAtAllTimes*

        What?? I use white vinegar all the time: to clean off my kitchen counter tops, polish chrome fixtures (it makes them positively gleam), clean toilets, spot-clean spills on the hard-surface floors (tile, laminate, hardwood), and wash windows and mirrors (cuts the crud, doesn’t streak). I keep it in spray bottles in the bathroom and the kitchen. It’s antibacterial, non-toxic and inexpensive, and you can buy it just about anywhere. I love it. I do not, however, use it on fabric. Just on hard surfaces, where it works very well.

    4. Yetanotherjennifer*

      Are they machine washable? I’ve shrunk slipcovers just by washing them. You might want to have them dry cleaned or rent an upholstery cleaner and treat them like they’re not removable. I like Folex for treating carpets and upholstery. You can get it at Home Depot.

    5. Sam I Am*

      I use it in my regular wash instead of fabric softener. I put it in the fabric softener compartment before the start of the wash. It removes any odor from the fabric.
      But…. that’s all stuff that is cool to put in the washing machine to begin with.

  20. PDA*

    This is so silly but- couldn’t my friend just give her boyfriend the love poems she writes about him?? Does she really need to put them up on Facebook?!

    5. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Are they are least comical?

      “Roses are red, violets are blue, I love the way you look in your manly manly shoes”

      Otherwise yup hide posts.

    6. Penguin*

      *sympathetic wince* Yeah, I hear ya. If you want to hide them, I highly recommend FB Purity [https://www.fbpurity.com/]- super customizable FB filter interface. It’s the only reason I didn’t delete my account a year and a half ago.

    7. The New Wanderer*

      I’ve been avoiding friending a distant relative because I had the chance to read her blog a few times while she was just dating a guy. A teenager waxing philosophic about the meaning of True Love was not my cup of tea. In the two years since then, they got engaged, married, and had a child. Mutual relatives said she’s still as OTT as in the dating stage and the IG is a constant stream of artsy pics with accompanying deep thoughts. Just not my thing.

    8. Female-type person*

      I have a family member who talks to other family members on Facebook. The ones that are dead. A lot, she does this. Pretty sure dead people don’t check Facebook. At least the boyfriend is alive.

      1. Margery*

        I HAD friend that used to talk to her dead mother on facebook – like every day – or even more.

        Eventually I unfriended her it was just so attention seeking and annoying.

        If you’re that bothered go to church or pray but please not on facebook.

    9. Triple Anon*

      Woah. Yeah. I fear for the stability of relationships that are really gushed over on social media. It always seems to be a bad sign. The person who posts, “My sweetie is so sweet!” with a new picture of them together several times a day . . . Those relationships tend to have problems, in my experience.

    10. Traffic_Spiral*

      See if you can get her into tumblr or some other kind of ‘artsy’ blog and then encourage her to post the poetry there.

    11. Kuododi*

      Ok… Ick! I have not written love poetry since I was a mooney eyed teenager. That’s a bit scary when I think back to those days. ;(.

  21. Not So NewReader*

    I put vinegar in the washing machine all the time. If the covers are washable the vinegar won’t hurt them.
    And the vinegar will tend to clean your washer tub too.

    Borax is good on mold, if you want to try. I would fill the machine with water, pour in some Borax , add the covers and let the whole thing set all day while I go to work. Borax is in the laundry aisle near the bleach and non-bleach stuff.

    I can’t really tell if you are worried about putting the covers in the machine. Maybe there is a tag somewhere with washing instructions? Or maybe you can just run the washer on the gentle cycle.

    2. Teach*

      I wash all kinds of things on cool/gentle in the washing machine. Backpacks, purses, insulated lunchboxes – and my wedding dress that one time! Hung up to dry, nothing has been ruined yet…

  22. Not So NewReader*

    So I bought a spiralizer because I am loving the veggie noodles.

    I finally tried it yesterday and I am disappointed by the amount of waste. You put in a piece about 2 inches long and the last quarter inch does not process. because everything is so short you end up with many quarter inch long pieces. I can use them on other things, so using them up is not a problem. The problem is I would prefer to have less leftovers and more “noodles”.

    Has anyone had a different experience, is there a model with less waste? If yes, what model did you buy?

    1. Dopameanie*

      So, I either just julienne the leftover bits and dump them in the skillet, or put the waste into my “save for chicken/beef stock” freezer baggy.

      1. Ali G*

        This – I either dice them up and sautee them with the other veggies (onions, mushrooms, whatever), or I toss them in the compost, or in the freezer bag for stock, depending on what it is.

    2. Red Reader*

      Depending on what you’re spiralizing, put in longer pieces? I stick the whole zucchini in mine and just break off the zoodles with a paring knife every couple inches. Maybe shove the last bit through with a carrot stick or something?

      2. Not So NewReader*

        Well the instructions say not to use pieces that are longer than 2 inches. Maybe I will ignore that part and just push a whole zucchini through?

        1. Red Reader*

          Huh. Mine doesn’t say anything about that — maybe try a step in between first, like half a zucchini, just in case?

          1. Not So NewReader*

            What brand/model do you have???

            Yeah will try a half zuke to see what happens.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I thought I would make enough for two days each time I used it. That way it’s still kind of fresh and I don’t have to pull the machine out every time

    6. ..Kat..*

      Have you tried spaghetti squash? Yummy, and less work than spiralizing. After cooking and scraping it out, put it in a colander to drain. Otherwise, it will retain excess water.

  23. KayEss*

    Anyone know a good electric hand mixer? My first super-cheap (I actually got it for free from a vendor giveaway) one burned out on some peanut butter molasses cookies, and after having it for a while, I really feel like I actually do want to replace it. I don’t bake often, but when I do it usually involves large batches of cookies with fairly stiff/dense dough that I technically COULD mix by hand (and did, in the past) but it’s exhausting and makes my hand/wrist cramp up.

    Alternately, is a standing mixer really, truly for-real worth the expense and amount of storage space it takes up?

    1. Red Reader*

      I have a $14 Hamilton Beach hand mixer and a $300 KitchenAid stand mixer. I can count on my fingers the number of times I’ve actually used the stand mixer in the last five years, and the hand mixer gets used at least monthly, usually more.

      ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

      1. Red Reader*

        That said I’ve never tried my hand mixer on cookie dough past the creaming butter stage, I find mixing it by hand therapeutic. I mostly use my mixer on cake batter and the like. That wasn’t a brand recommendation necessarily, just my two comparison points :)

    2. Cruciatus*

      For my mom, the answer is yes, the standing mixer was worth it because of arthritis and standing issues. She actually doesn’t use it all the time, but when she wants to she likes being able to just set it up and walk away (we actually keep ours on a rolling cart against the wall and bring it into the kitchen as needed). But she didn’t buy a KitchenAid one, she bought a Hamilton Beach Eclectrics which is also highly rated (but doesn’t have all the accessories the KitchenAid one does, but she’s not about to make her own pasta so this is not a problem). It’s about $200 but you can likely find it cheaper on sale.

      On the other hand, we also have a hand mixer. It’s just a simple Black and Decker but it’s been pulling its weight for probably 15 years now (though I don’t think we use it on particularly dense things).

    3. Traveling Teacher*

      I think it comes down to what you actually bake versus what you aspire to bake/with what frequency, unless you can get a used one on the cheap! Then, get the used one and re-sell if it doesn’t work out :)

      Personally, I only have a hand mixer, but I would love to have a stand mixer. I currently have a tiny kitchen with a counter that’s about 1.5 feet (about half a meter) square. My super cheap hand mixer works fine, but when I make frostings and meringues, I would love to be able to be hands-free instead of holding the mixer for 10+ minutes. And, whipped cream is truly superior with the power of a stand mixer vs hand mixer.

      I’ve tried out mixers at friends’ houses, as I’m interested in knowing what I’d prefer if I do find a used machine for a good price (though Lord knows where I’d put it!), and my favorite so far is the Kenwood. Much cheaper over here (Europe) than a KitchenAid, and those things are workhorses. They also don’t tip at all when you lift up the head to change the bowl/attachment. Most even come with a blender and food processor attachment and still run you about 100-150 euros less than a KitchenAid.

      I love the look of the KitchenAid, though, which is why I would love to get my hands on a KMix to compare the two. If you do get a stand mixer, make sure you check the bowl size, too. A friend of mine ordered a cheap-ish stand mixer online, but it turned out to be the smallest size that didn’t work with the two attachments or the glass bowl she’d also ordered!

      1. Natalie*

        The tile head Kitchenaid is essentially the consumer version, and it’s not remotely as well designed as the bowl lift models.

        1. fposte*

          Even with that caveat, I still got years of pleasurable use out of my tilt-head KitchenAid. However, that’s the kind of thing that can change quickly over time with manufacturing changes, so I wouldn’t assume the one I got in 1995 is the same as one you get now. Another possibility is to look into refurbs of the professional grade, which tend to be priced very competitively. (It looks like Target carries a bunch of those, interestingly.)

      2. Cambridge Comma*

        I have a KMix and have had a Kitchen Aid (lost in a break up, it didn’t stop working). The KMix works just as well, but on the higher settings it smells like the electrics aren’t going to last forever. It’s survived 6 years of 1–2 weekly usuage, though.

      3. Everdene*

        My mum has a KMix and its fine, good value and does what it needs to. But I don’t find it as powerful as the KitchenAid. If budget is a driver though it’s still a good investment and will last a long time.

    4. Anon Accountant*

      We have a Hamilton Beach mixer that cost about $20 at Target and a previous Black & Decker mixer costing $25/30 and those were great.

      Never had a more expensive mixer.

    5. foolofgrace*

      I got my KitchenAid on clearance for $159 and have no regrets. I end up using it at least a few times a month, and I find myself doing more baking now. I love the hands-off capability, as well as how much my arm doesn’t hurt when I let the KA do the whisking for me. Although I must say I agree with the axiom that “the kitchen appliances you actually use are the ones that are already on the counter.” If I had to lug the machine out of a closet or something every time I wanted to use it, it would get much less use. Also I like all the possible attachments — I used to have the pasta attachments (had to sell them to raise money) and loved them.

    6. sleepwakehopeandthen*

      I use my KitchenAid standing mixer at least weekly, and it is glorious. (Mostly for making pizza dough). I also have a tiny kitchen and I have fully sacrificed half the counter space to it (because tiny kitchen) and for me, it is 100% worth it. Admittedly, I didn’t purchase it myself (wedding present) but it has made my life so much easier. And now making whipped cream is like magic, which is excellent, as well.

    7. Piano Girl*

      Several years back, I needed to bake a bunch of cookies for a school fundraiser. I burned through several hand mixers. I then bought my KitchenAid stand mixer. My KitchenAid gets used at least once a week. The hand mixer got used for the first time in a few years this past week.

    8. SciDiver*

      My little Kitchen Aid hand mixer is great! Durable, easy to handle and clean, and cost maybe $30? Since I bake a lot, I can’t wait until I have a kitchen large enough to accommodate a stand mixer since there are some things that are way more difficult without it and I know I’ll probably use it weekly. If you’re doing heavy or dense dough a lot, the stand mixer beater or dough hook would be really useful, but I wouldn’t shell out for it unless you’ll use it a lot.

    9. Everdene*

      One of the best things I’ve ever bought is my KitchenAid stand mixer. Not only is it a true thing of beauty but it makes cakes, biscuits, pulled pork, mashed potato all so easy. I don’t use it daily or even weekly, but when I use it, it is magnificant. The only disapointing thing for me is a currently only have one bowl so need to keep washing up when having a big baking day. However we’re putting a second bowl on the wedding list so hopefully that issue will be resolved soon enough.

    10. I'm A Little Teapot*

      check for 2nd hand stand mixers. I’m fairly sure you could find one for a LOT less money.

      1. Reba*

        I got my stand mixer refurbished from Kitchenaid. I’m not sure I would feel it was worth full MSRP, at least not at this life stage, but at the lower price, it’s a no brainer. Several years ago I had an ancient, used one for a while, so I had a sense of what I’d do with it. I see them on craigslist all the time, too.

        We use it a lot for cookies, bread of many kinds, frostings and toppings, and fresh pasta (amazing).

        The hand mixer is still useful once in a while (e.g., whipping something delicate and you want to watch it closely) but has hardly been touched since I got the new-to-me stand mixer.

    11. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      You absolutely need the stand mixer if you are doing tough doughs on any sort of a regular basis. Our KitchenAid stand mixer, a big expense at the time, has lasted 9+ years. But something like FIVE $25 hand mixers quit on us in the year before that. It may be bad luck, or it may be that hand mixers are just not meant to last. Either way, our stand mixer has probably paid for itself, maybe more than once, over the long run.

    12. Cat Herder*

      I’ve had my Kitchen Aid stand mixer for almost 30years (wedding present). I love it. It’s the best for anything thick or stiff. Kneads bread and pizza dough well. I have a Hamilton Beach hand mixer for light things. Mostly for whipping cream

    13. ronda*

      i gave my stand mixer to my sister cause I didnt use it that much and it is big and heavy.
      but I also burned out a hand mixer this year.

      The stand mixer is great if you are making a heavy dough, because that will burn out the hand mixer.
      How often you want to do that and how much space you have are the questions.

      My mom did lots of baking and I bought her extra bowls for her stand mixer. I recommend that if you bake a lot.

  24. Lauren*

    Can anyone describe the personalities of engineers? There is one that I see at the place we don’t talk about here. I catch him staring at me and he tried to joke around with me once with other people, but he rarely tries to talk to me one on one. He is very polite with me though- he helped me move something and laughed when I made a joke. I think he’s very funny and was cracking up when he was talking to someone and he saw me laughing.

    I’m shy myself, so we might just be a lost cause, lol. (He’s also very good looking, so he is probably out of my league anyways.) At first I thought that he was a jerk because he never spoke to anyone and acted rude, but he seems nicer now.

    Any advice or insight is greatly appreciated

    1. Red Reader*

      You’re basically asking if we can describe the personalities of people though. Engineers don’t, like, pop out of a mold.

    2. Dopameanie*

      So. I’ve said many unkind things about engineers, and I mean many of them. But this is an honest assessment:

      Engineers are taught to look at the world through a certain lens, which means they get a LOT of practice living in a world of mathematical hypotheticals, emotionless calculating, intense concentration, solitary HARD THINKING of abstract complicated thoughts.

      Now, all people are different, and so there are all types of engineers. But the people who are drawn to this career field, and the people who make it through the intense college courses and finish the degree, are the people who look at the above description of what engineers have to learn to do all day and are like YEP! Sign me up! Sounds great!

      I know someone in engineering sales who tells a joke about bringing a pie chart with him to meetings so he can explain to engineers what their own feelings are on a project because you can’t trust them to connect the dots otherwise.

      So. That’s what engineers as a group TEND toward. But individuals? They are unique. He is like himself. The only way to find out how he is will be to ask, observe, and get to know him. Good luck!!!!

      1. Mike C.*

        It’s not “emotionless calculating”. If you took a moment to realize that most of those calculations are there to ensure that people in some fashion don’t die, you’d realize this.

        1. Dopameanie*

          Eh, depends on the field. More to the point, the work utilizes the part of the mind dealing with logic, as opposed to emotions. The emotions YOU, or anybody else feels, are incidental to the work.

          Contrast this to, for example, the work a waitress does. Or a politician

        1. Dopameanie*

          THAT’S the term I couldn’t think of!!!

          I wanted to say critical thinking but for whatever reason I just couldn’t remember what the term was.

      3. Gloucesterina*

        “a LOT of practice living in a world of mathematical hypotheticals, emotionless calculating, intense concentration, solitary HARD THINKING of abstract complicated thoughts.”

        Replace ‘mathematical hypotheticals’ with ‘interpretative hypotheticals’ and that pretty much describes training in fields like literature and history. And some engineers do a lot of team-based work, which is far less often the case in humanistic fields, where single-author books and papers are the currency of the land.

        I think it can be amusing to try to horoscope people by training or occupation, but it gets a bit tricky :)

    3. Ali G*

      My husband is an engineer. But I don’t think his career choice defines him. We met and bonded over a shared hometown region and sports team (Fly Eagles Fly!!!).
      But he likes to tell the story about how he came over one night and I was working on my laptop. He asked what I was doing and I said I was looking to buy a new car and I was building a spreadsheet about the attributes of my top choices. He thought that was the cutest thing! We both like Excel :)
      I like to joke that somewhere out there, there is a spreadsheet about me that he made to analyze me good and not so good qualities (obviously I don’t have any bad ones!).
      Anyway, just treat him like any other guy. Hopefully you can find something to bond over and go from there!

    4. Anona*

      My husband is an engineer, and he’s very good at talking to people, very socially confident. It seems like with the people he works with at least, he’s the exception. Many of his co-workers are nice (well, not all) but socially awkward, typically introverts.

      If you don’t think it would be weird to date someone at work, maybe ask him to something low key. Like “a group of us were thinking of getting drinks at xyz place after work, if you have any interest, feel free to join.” Then see how he responds.

    5. CheeryO*

      I’m an engineer, and I can say that the stereotypes have a grain of truth to them – a lot of engineers are socially awkward, nerdy, and overly analytical. But everyone is different, and it’s not fair or useful to lump all engineers into one box. We’re just people.

      1. T*

        Here, here. I’m an engineer too and I work with and interact with a bunch of engineers and mostly we aren’t unsocialized weirdos. With the exception of myself, most of the others in my office are extroverts and we all have very diverse interests, ranging from sports, to cooking, to outdoor pursuits.

      3. Thlayli*

        I’m an engineer and I would agree with this assessment – there is definitely some truth in the socially awkward and or low social skills stereotype, but there are a huge number of engineers who are neither.

        I personally am the opposite of shy but I have low social intelligence in other areas – notably lack of tact.

    7. Rick Tq*

      Show your interest in him! He is probably thinking EXACTLY the same things. I’m pretty introverted, my sister the Rocket Engineer and brother the Power Instrument Tech are both extroverts so there isn’t a single personality for engineers. We are good at math, thinking in 3-D, and following logical chains farther than many people.

      If you like him and think he may like you ask him to lunch!

    8. LilySparrow*

      My observation of various engineers I have known over time is that they are not necessarily inherently awkward or shy, but they do tend to be “late bloomers” socially because they are often engrossed in academic or unpopular interests during high school and college, and may not have a like minded community around them growing up.

      After they’ve been in the grown-up world for a while, where they can choose their own social circle and are getting validation and rewards for their work and interests, the social difficulties even out.

      One common trait I see a lot is that engineering types tend to focus on goals or abstract concepts first. They don’t constantly monitor everyone else’s feelings or group dynamics the way some people do. That can come off as cold or brusque to some people who want that type of engagement. It doesn’t mean they aren’t friendly or polite, but they tend to ignore situations (or people) that don’t directly affect them.

      Very emotive and relationship-driven types might characterized it as being “cold” or “detached.” But from the other perspective, a more goal-oriented person might characterize relationship-oriented types as “needy” or “hypersensitive.” I don’t think one is necessarily better than the other.

      Now that you’ve been introduced and you’re on each other’s radar, just treat him like anyone else you’d like to know better.

      1. Thlayli*

        “Constantly monitoring other people’s feelings and group dynamics”

        That sounds reeeeaaaallly exhausting. Who has the time!

    9. Lissajous*

      As an engineer in an office full of engineers… we’re all different, because people, but one thing I have noticed is that generally engineers will get into their hobbies a bit more than most, although actual hobbies will vary greatly. I think it may be the same trait that has us dive headfirst into a design problem and come up a week later with a spreadsheet full of calculations to say that the exhaust hood size is fine.

      So I like music, I play cello in one of the local amateur orchestras, and I’m on the committee for that as well now. One guy was really into cars, to the point designing and ordering a special unique intake manifold for his and taking it down to the track to measure the horsepower he was getting at the rear wheels. One guy likes kayaking, so he built his own kayak from wood, and then added outriggers as well!

      I think we can also be a bit more direct than other professions – bullet points not paragraphs!

      But the introvert vs extrovert thing… that’s a mix. As always, the stereotype is not the entire truth.

    10. MissDisplaced*

      He rarely tries to talk to you one on one at work. Well, there certainly is fear of seeming harassing in the workplace so many nice men are cautious.
      Just be yourself! Continue to be friendly and funny, and try to initiate conversation. And I like the idea of inviting him to a work group thing like happy hour, sport, or outing if people at your company do stuff like that because it’s the easiest way to get to know people better without too much commitment.

  25. Sled dog mama*

    So my girl’s pathology came back and it’s bad, really bad. Cacinosarcoma, it’s rare and very aggressive, the good part is that we found the mass before it hit 3cm, which is an indicator of better outcomes (so longer survival), the really bad part, it’s associated with 100% mortality (9-12 months tops, usually a lot less). We have no idea if it’s metastatic yet. We’re lucky enough to live 20 minutes from a vet school so we’ll be meeting with a vet there sometime next week but there’s not much to be done as there is no known effective chemo for this type.
    Overall she’s recovering well from surgery and is mostly back to her perky, cheerful self so I’m hopeful that we’ve got some time before we’ll need to make any hard decisions. Only issue we’re having is that she’s gotten widely picky about food, she’s refusing her kibble. So far she will take chicken (torn into small pieces not as whole strips), canned tuna and cheese (her favorite seems to be the Frozen cheese sticks that the four year old talked daddy into). We’re trying lots of things over the weekend so any suggestions on things that might appeal to her would be awesome!

    1. Red Reader*

      Oh no :( my housemate’s waiting on a biopsy result for his cat too, and that’s one of the possibilities :(

      To get the pup to eat – when my grande dame turns up her nose at her meat cereal, a spoonful of cottage cheese, pumpkin purée or peanut butter (make sure there’s no xylitol in it) will often renew her interest?

    2. SpellingBee*

      I’m so sorry! That’s really tough, I know from experience. The only thing you can do is to focus on loving her up and making her life wonderful for as long as you can, and remember that animals live in the moment, they don’t dread the future like we do. Re food, I can tell you what we did for our kitty, which might help. I’d recommend trying really stinky canned food, and try as many types as you can find – you could give it to her by itself, or top dress her kibble with it (even cat food, which is super stinky). When I was in your situation I stopped worrying about whether or not it was the “good” food (as in grain free, organic, etc.), the only thing that mattered was if Miss Moosey would eat it. I had to rotate brands and flavors, because she’d suddenly turn her nose up at something she’d enthusiastically eaten the day before. Bottom line is feed her what she’ll eat; getting calories into her is the important thing. Oh, you can also try sprinkling some dehydrated chicken or salmon treats on top of her food, that often worked for us just to prime the pump, so to speak.

      1. Sled dog mama*

        Thanks for the advice to worry over calories in not quality of food. Thos is going to be a stumbling block for me since we’ve spent years finding a food that agrees with her tummy all the time.

    3. Kat in VA*

      Another thing for fur friends that won’t eat is soaking their kibble in beef broth (which can found quite cheaply) and mixing it with wet food.

      1. Windchime*

        My old kitty got really picky in his old age, plus he had hardly any teeth. He was losing weight like crazy, so I started giving him canned food with a little clam juice mixed in. Then I would warm it slightly in the microwave (I called it “kitty soup”). That kept him going for quite awhile; he really liked the clam juice. But man, my house sure stunk.

    5. Ali G*

      Ugh, I am so sorry. My petsitter had 2 dogs that passed from it.
      SpellingBee’s advice is spot on. Let her eat what she wants. I remember dropping my dog at the sitters and his buddy Sport would come limping out to greet us. He was happy right up until the end. Dogs really just live each day as it comes.
      Things that my dog likes when he is sick – beef broth, boiled beef, canned food (since he usually eats kibble), canned pumpkin, eggs, raw meat.

    6. Trixie*

      So sorry to hear this. Close proximity to a vet school is helpful in times like this. May I ask where the mass is? My cat had it on his front leg and at 17 years old, I opted to amputate. He had a strong life after and adjusted very well.
      Maybe more types of dairy (full fat) products like yogurt, cottage cheese, etc. Beef or lamb? I struggle with my cat on this, trying to help him gain weight with high caloric foods.

      I am sure she is happy to be at home again.

    7. King Friday XIII*

      I’m so sorry! That’s really hard news to hear. I hope you have a lot of good time left with her and you’re able to be confident in your decisions when the time comes.

      Also I agree with SpellingBee. In my case, the sicker my cat got, the more she liked cheap, awful food, but I like Hot Pockets when I’m sick so I couldn’t judge her for it. ;)

      1. Sled dog mama*

        What is it about cheap awful food when you feel bad. During my pregnancy I had one craving and only when I had morning (afternoon and night) sickness. Really cheap microwave pizza

    8. Auntie Anarchy*

      Oh, I’m so sorry, Sled Dog Mama.
      My own darlin’ girl PonderRosa also had the worst news on Friday: hemangiosarcoma. It’s similarly aggressive, no hope of cure or remission, likely timeframe 6 weeks to 6 months.
      I’m planning to spend as much time with her as possible and make some more lovely memories before we lose each other. Hope you can do the same. (I’m lucky, I know: I can work from home whenever required and have been able to cancel all off-site meetings for the next couple of weeks while I learn more).
      Love to you from Australia.

      1. Sled dog mama*

        So sorry to hear about your girl. Life is so strange. Our pups already get a much shorter time than we do, why do some get their time cut even shorter?
        Cheyenne and I are sending you warm fuzzies, and she says she’ll even share her belly rubs if that’s something your girl likes.

        1. Auntie Anarchy*

          All the belly rubs! Backatcha, Cheyenne.
          My gal’s sitting at my feet right now, f@rting like all the hounds of hell, so all is well in this moment.
          Warm fuzzies for everyone who wants them.

    9. anon for this one*

      This is late, but I hope you’re still reading. I had a dog diagnosed with untreatable cancer, and the specialist told me cancer thrives on carbs. We switched to a lower-carb, higher-protein food and also gave her frequent meals of chicken breast and/or scrambled eggs, and supplemented with vitamin C and fish oil, on the specialist’s recommendation. She ended up living twice as long as the “best case scenario” prognosis. Coincidence? Maybe. But it can’t hurt.

  26. Chocolate Teapot*

    I went to my exercise class today for the first time in several weeks (holidays) and another participant turned up with her dog, one of those small fluffy breeds, which had its lead tied to the barre attached to the back wall.

    That was strange enough, but then she went and stood at the other end of the room to do the workout.

      1. Kate S*

        They sure don’t! I left a recent Weight Watchers meeting because a member brought her dog. It wasn’t a service dog but a small dog she held. I’m allergic to dogs as a side note.

        Some places pets just shouldn’t be.

    2. annakarina1*

      That is pretty common with professional ballet companies that allow their dancers to bring their dogs since they work long hours, but it’s allowed only if the dogs are well-behaved and not intrusive.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        Well it was definitely not a professional ballet class, unless you are thinking of the dancing hippos from Disney’s Fantasia via the Roly Polys!

        I just thought it was strange that having tied up well-behaved fluffy dog, its owner didn’t do the class next to it.

          1. Falling Diphthong*

            My animals all definitely have feelings about the yoga mat (aka cat/dog bed) and what I am doing on it (looking to have my toes pounced/needing cuddles).

        2. AvonLady Barksdale*

          I think that’s weird too. I’ve never brought my dog to an exercise class, but he did show up to outdoor yoga once (private session with friends in a park, my partner decided to walk him while I was yoga-ing) and I made him stay right next to me. Because he’s my buddy and I don’t want him bothering anyone else. Also, I get to “help” him “participate” occasionally.

          Doggies do not, as a rule, belong in exercise class. Although now that I think about it, I once had a dance instructor who brought his papillons to class. They hung out in a crate in the corner, though! They were fun.

  27. Falling Diphthong*

    Thanks to whoever last week recommended the Donna Andrews mystery series about Meg Langslow. They are a true delight.

    1. tangerineRose*

      I’ve recommended her mystery series before, but I don’t think it was me last week. They are fun books! Which ones have you read so far?

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Started with book 4 (the one at Lawyers from Hell), then figured out the order and read the 1st (3 weddings) and am on the second (on Monhegan). A nasty summer cold giving me lots of time to read, as I can be confident that even if I am foggy the villain will be unmasked in another 200 pages.

        I really like Meg and Michael’s relationship, and the constant reminder that having a large and close knit family means you all spend a fair bit of time forgiving each other your weirdnesses.

    2. Yes I'm British*

      Well, yes but only because everything > coffee. Coffee is the creation of Satan.

      But tea > hot chocolate.

      1. Dopameanie*

        GASP. BLASPHEMY.

        Tea is just water that gross leaves fell in and you were too lazy to fish them out. Tea is gross.

        1. Yes I'm British*

          Tea is delicious leaf juice, delicate, flavourful and soothing. Coffee is just something people consume in a mad frenzy to stockpile as much caffeine as possible in their bloodstream to cope with life. It’s a necessary evil. Tea is a luxury. It’s refined. That’s why Americans don’t understand it.

          And hot chocolate is for children.

          1. Dopameanie*

            I wondered briefly how you could possibly BE so incorrect, until I remembered that the British were too busy running an empire to develop good tasting food or drinks.

            So your position here, though tragic, is understandable.

        2. TL -*

          One of my favorite things about living in New Zealand is that they keep on asking questions about American tea culture and I get to answer them.
          For instance, I recently got asked what was American slang for non-herbal tea.
          To which I, of course, replied “no taxation without representation.”

          Then they were like, “nah, but how do you offer your guests tea?”
          I said, “Y’all want something? I got water, coffee, sweet tea, coke, or juice.”

          They’re still confused…

          1. Dopameanie*

            The above comment takes the award for comment of the day.

            I don’t even care that I’m only 20 minutes into the day.

            Heh…taxation without representation…..*snrkt*

    3. Kate Daniels*

      I am 100% with you! My favorite is Ghiradelli Double Hot Chocolate with whole milk.

      1. Dopameanie*

        I’ve recently become fond of making my own powder blends and storing them in glass canning jars, so when people come over I can offer them some while acting insufferably smug. Like a cross between Martha Stewart and an evangelical vegan.

    5. Mimmy*

      Gonna gently fight you on that one! I cannot go without having my 2 cups of coffee each morning!!

      I do love hot chocolate in the winter, but not the flavored ones. Just give me a cup of classic Swiss Miss and I’m good :)

      1. Dopameanie*

        Have you seen the Deadpool/Celine Dion commercial? She says something like “this voice only goes to 11”

        It’s like that here. No gentleness! No quarter granted! Not even a nickel!!!

      1. Caledonia*

        Hot chocolate is the best and if I am feeling extra fancy, both the cream and the marshmallows.

      2. Dopameanie*

        Marshmallows. I don’t care for whipped cream. It’s a texture thing. I HAVE been known to add a dash of heavy cream to my hot chocolate from time to time.

              1. Dopameanie*

                No joke, during a very unpleasant time in service to America, we took the coffee grounds from MRE’s and put the granules in the corners of our eyes and under our gums to keep awake and functioning a little bit longer.

                I’d prefer the habanero.

    10. NoMoreMrFixit*

      Sorry but I disagree. Coffee is physical, tangible proof that there is a loving and merciful God. Nothing so wonderful as coffee could have evolved purely by accident. Plus I’m lactose intolerant so hot choc is on the banned list for me.

      2. Dopameanie*

        By the time one has added enough cream and sugar to make coffee edible, one could have saved time and effort by just starting the day with ice cream.

        Ergo, coffee is just a substandard breakfast ice cream substitute, consumed by people who are either too concerned with social norms to eat breakfast ice cream in public, OR people who hate their tastebuds and want to punish themselves by way of the mouth. Like oral puritans.

        1. hermit crab*

          This makes me wonder – how do you feel about coffee ice cream? Coffee ice cream is manna from heaven. I will shamelessly eat it any time of the day, with (or in place of) any meal. (Bonus points because my husband hates anything remotely coffee-flavored, so when I buy coffee ice cream I know that it is MINE, ALL MINE.)

        2. ..Kat..*

          Have you tried really, really good coffee? So good that it doesn’t need sugar or cream?

          1. Dopameanie*

            I’ve been offered it, but never agreed with the positive assessment.

            Personal hypothesis: I am a bitter enough person as it is. Thus any extra bitterness in my diet is unnecessary

    11. Middle School Teacher*

      No fighting here. Although coffee can be made palatable with judicious addition of hot chocolate.

    12. LCL*

      Sigh. How can someone so witty be so misguided? Coffee is life’s blood. Hot chocolate is like a cupcake; a fine occasional treat but not serious at all, and whose regular consumption is properly left to small children. I do concede that if one is making a winter adult beverage, hot chocolate is da bomb.

      1. Dopameanie*

        Cards on the table: I am not actually known for my seriousness.

        And why should small children have exclusive domain over the best stuff? The best part of being a grown up is that nobody can stop you from doing the stuff you weren’t able to do as a kid!

      2. Traffic_Spiral*

        Yeah. Trying to compare coffee to hot chocolate is like trying to compare steak and ice cream. They’re both nice, but entirely different. Hot Chocolate is a drinkable dessert. Coffee is a beverage.

    13. Woodswoman*

      Of course, hot chocolate trumps coffee. Those ground up beans not only taste nasty, but are the source of endless uproar about who pays, what kind, etc. in countless locations of that place we don’t discuss on weekends.

      And to those who undercut hot chocolate by making it with only water–just stop that. Soy milk (or real milk for those who drink it) all the way!

      1. Daphne*

        Haha same here. In a way I’ve always thought of coffee for “grown ups” and mochas are the closest thing to it. Maybe I’ll graduate onto the real stuff one day!

      2. Canadian Natasha*

        No no no. Mochas take the worst of both worlds and combine it into an awful grey sludge. (Possibly exaggerating slightly) You gotta have ’em pure or not at all. ;)

          1. Dopameanie*

            Disagree! Hot chocolate is a gateway to chocolate pudding. Possibly chocolate lava cake.

    15. Earthwalker*

      Hot chocolate first, the richer the better, and then coffee as a palate cleanser. Mmmm.

    16. Thursday Next*

      No fight here. Coffe smells like adulthood, while chocolate wards off dementors.

      The worst part about lactose intolerance is missing out on real hot chocolate!

    17. Canadian Natasha*

      Hot chocolate is delicious but is best in small doses on infrequent occasions. Also it is nearly impossible to find an ethically produced HC that doesn’t taste awful.

      Coffee, on the other hand, is a daily necessity (most likely in several forms throughout the day). Did I mention I am sipping a latte made from locally roasted beans at a favourite independent coffee shop as I type this? ;)

      Tea and tisanes are also crucial to life, but that’s another argument.

      1. Dopameanie*

        Life is too short to save that which is good and delicious for special occasions.

        Drink less coffee, and more hot chocolate.

        2. Traffic_Spiral*

          It’s not a matter of “life’s too short” but rather “eating a bucket of sweets every day gives you a stomach ache.”

    18. Anonymosity*

      I love hot chocolate. If I had a choice, I’d pick it. Except for first thing in the morning, when I need my caffeine. So yeah, fist bump, not fight.

    20. Windchime*

      No fight from me. I hate the taste of coffee; it’s so bitter that I don’t know how people can stand to drink it. I can’t even eat the coffee-flavored Jelly Bellys in the dispenser at work (yes, we have an M&M dispenser that is now filled with gourmet Jelly Bellys).

      So once again, I agree with your very non-controversial opinion.

    22. Jaid_Diah*

      Vienna Fudge Chunk Coffee Ice Cream by Friendly’s.

      No, seriously, I love me some Mocha. Coffee AND chocolate.

      1. Jaid_Diah*

        Oh, I forgot! I was watching a Simon and Martina video and they made coffee jelly! Apparently, it’s a popular thing in Japan. Brewed coffee, agar agar or gelatin, sugar or other flavoring. Martina hated the instant coffee version and preferred the cold brew style. They even made homemade whipped cream…
        G-d that looked so good.

  29. I Am Still Furious!!*

    Divorce Drama Update!

    Short version…STBEXH blew through the first half of his settlement money, has $1.42 left in the bank (my name is still on the account so I logged in and saw the carnage), and new girlfriend is gone no longer.

    Long version…

    I told STBEXH to make sure he picked up his mail (bills) and that I had several big bags of clothes he left strewn around (complete with fleas, because…you know…share the joy) for him to go through. He stopped by the house mid week while I was working outside.

    He took the mail, said he was too tired to go through the clothes, so I told him he has 10 days to either sort through them and toss what he doesn’t want in the dumpster, or I was going to toss them at the end of that time.

    And that’s when he told me that he wasn’t seeing New Girlfriend any longer. It seems all she wanted to do was go to casinos and gamble. Apparently she had room vouchers for casinos, and since I’ve never been to one, I can only assume they just don’t hand these out unless you actually spend a lot of money there (?). He went on to say how nice the first dates were, walking, talking…ugh…why why am I hearing this I thought? And that she just wanted to go to casinos then, and he told her he shouldn’t do this because he has a gambling problem. And that he thinks that he should give up on women totally and just get a cat. And why did he think he could meet someone to have a relationship with. Oh. My. God.

    THIS IS THE KARMA STICK HITTING HARD! I strongly suspect she helped him blow through the money, and now he’s broke! How does that feel? Really, how does it feel to get taken advantage of? Ask me. I know! It sucks. This has been his modus operandi for years, take advantage, use, whatever, as long as it benefits him. It is not lost on me that this woman may have done the same thing to him that he has done for years to others.

    So, he followed me around while I was working outside, asked me if there was anything he could help me with, and I flatly said “no, I don’t need your help with anything” and reminded him to either pick up his stuff or it was going in the dumpster. He finally left.

    I have a feeling I’m about to get a sob story about no money for rent, or needing food, or gas, or something…NOT. MY. PROBLEM. Go hit up your sister and brother in law. I almost feel sorry for him. Almost. He was supposed to use this settlement money, broken up into two payments 1 year apart, to reestablish his life, not blow it all in 28 days and leave bills unpaid. I am surprised and not surprised at the same time.

    Now I have to decide whether to sell the house or stay there. It’s very hard work clearing everything out myself, a lot of heavy lifting, etc. And to top it off, the dumpster won’t be there until Thursday, so I am limited now on what I can do as I already have a pile of stuff outside. My goal right now is to get rid of everything that isn’t necessary to cook with or sit on (like a chair), kitchen table, that type of thing, and just start all over again, either in that house or somewhere else.

    Off to continue the process. Today I’m stripping my bed. It has the same bedding as when I left last September. Mattress is definitely going to go in the dumpster! Bedding, not sure, I’m going to wash it all up and see what happens.

    1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      I hope these aren’t painful for you to write, but I enjoy (?) the weekly updates in a you go girl! way. Its like a cliffhanger every week, but you keep on plowing through every new pile of bs and flea-ridden clothes like a tornado. Its awesome to read!

      1. I Am Still Furious!!*

        No, far from being painful, it feels good to talk about it. I have kept everything off Facebook, and continue to do so, the only thing that anyone would notice that’s different is that I moved and I’m separated if they look at my profile. It’s cathartic to type this out and get other opinions and comments, and this is a safe community, so it’s been very helpful to me. Thank you for your kind words!

        1. Rovannen*

          I couldn’t read this during the weekend, but specifically came here to find your update today. So sorry you’re dealing with this and glad you’re making progress!

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      I recall a line from a romance novel, where one character is trying to buy off another character and offers a sum of money that would support any comfortable lifestyle other than gambler.

      1. I Am Still Furious!!*

        I think he could literally have 1 billion dollars and still somehow end up broke.

        1. Windchime*

          Yeah, I have family like this and there is literally not enough money in the world to fix this problem. Some people are just going to blow through it all as fast as they can, no matter what. It’s like they don’t have the ability to think about tomorrow and paying the rent; it’s all about what feels good this very moment.

    3. Detective Amy Santiago*

      I vote for selling the house and starting over fresh somewhere without all the baggage.

      2. Anon Accountant*

        Yes. A complete fresh start with even new furniture if possible. Things to show a new start for you.

      3. Anonymous Ampersand*

        YES. I want so badly to get away from all the baggage but unfortunately can’t for another few years. Get away from it all and I can pretend I have your freedom ;)

        My ex doesn’t see cause and effect either. It’s maddening yet hilarious.

        1. I Am Still Furious!!*

          I have to say, the house feels different already. It’s going to be clean with minimal stuff and already I don’t hate going inside. I’m sort of ambivalent, actually, and I don’t have to do anything right now. That’s the best part, I don’t have to do anything right now I don’t want to do.

    4. Anono-me*

      Thank you for the update.
      Someone else could probably say this better, but ….. Every time you update, your ‘voice’ sound stronger and more confident.

      It does worry me that your name is still on account that the ex has access to.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yeah, I noticed the change in voice also. In spite of all the suckiness, IASF, you are doing an excellent job of reclaiming yourself, setting your boundaries and pushing forward.
        I am sorry to hear that he spent the money, but I am not surprised. It’s more of the same thing you have been describing right along. It just says you made the right choice here.

      2. Anona*

        Yeah, I’d get my name off that account (or ask your lawyer about it). It just seems complicated.

      3. BRR*

        Now that you did that I also have noticed the change in voice. It’s been amazing to witness.

        Also for what it’s worth some casinos are really generous with free rooms. I’ve gotten offers and I rarely gamble and definitely don’t have high bets.

      4. King Friday XIII*

        Same re: getting your name off the account. First, if he overdraws it or tries any kind of shenanigans, you’re liable to the bank if you’re on it. Second, if he really wants to be a jerk about it he could make all kinds of claims about what happened to the money, since you also had access. Simpler all around if you’re not on it.

        1. I Am Still Furious!!*

          I’m going to ask one more time for him to close the account and open a new one, just because he has direct deposit from his job, but that’s it. If it’s not closed in the next week or so, I’m going to do it and send him a check for whatever was left in the account.

          1. ..Kat..*

            I think you can go to the bank with ID and get your name off of the account. Call and ask first so that you don’t waste your time. Also, please remember to change all the locks on the house when he is no longer allowed access. And put locks on all the windows. Even if you aren’t worried about him physically hurting you, he sounds like the type who would break in and steal stuff to sell (because he thinks you owe him).

            Good luck! I am glad that you are staying strong and doing so well.

            1. I Am Still Furious!!*

              I did go to the bank to have my name taken off the account, and their rule is the account has to be closed by one of us, and then a new account opened. I think that’s stupid, but that’s their rule. I am trying to be kind and not close an account where his direct deposit paycheck goes into, but I may have to just do it anyway.

              1. only acting normal*

                I’d give fair warning of a date I would definitely close the account (maybe a single salary cycle) then no further extensions. He’s dragging it out because it keeps you linked – you’re the one who will have to break the link (same with the clothes). My father did the same nonsense to my mother for years.

              3. Traffic_Spiral*

                Honestly, I strongly advise you do it now. He’s a broke gambler who’s more emotionally unstable than usual because of his romance troubles. That’s a prime recipe for some sort of financial blow up – like, this has the foreboding of a haunted house + scary music + walls bleeding + a spooky kid keeps showing up out of the corner of your eye.

                Close it. Close it now. Getting your direct deposit sent to a new account is a mild inconvenience. Getting held liable for whatever the hell a gambler can do is so much more than you can imagine.

                1. I Am Still Furious!!*

                  It’s his direct deposit, not mine – my name was on the account so we could get a small tax refund check cashed, a check from the auto insurance company, that type of thing that were in both of our names. I haven’t allowed him access to my accounts in years. But you’re right, just close it and let him deal with the bank.

                2. Traffic_Spiral*

                  I meant that you’re not greatly harming him by making him have to move his direct deposit, while you could be greatly harmed by having him on your bank account (and yes, if your name’s on it it’s you account – even if you don’t use it).

                  Heck, assuming he means well, you’re doing him a favor by closing the account for him instead of making him go through the effort of doing it.

                3. nonegiven*

                  I wonder if a direct deposit is something that would trigger a closed account to reopen? I’ve had trouble getting checking accounts closed before. Closing it, confirming the balance and taking the money out, and then the next month getting a statement overdrawn by a monthly fee.

          2. only acting normal*

            Can the bank just take you off the account? They did with my parents divorce (but UK bank many moons ago so rules may be different).

            PS I think you’re generous with your deadlines (he was too tired to go through the clothes then so +10 days of them lying round your house. You didn’t need him to go through them then, you needed him to take them away.). I fear I am hard-hearted: those clothes would already be in the dumpster and that account would be closed.

        1. Temperance*

          Not necessarily! Booth and I get them somewhat regularly, and I wouldn’t consider us huge gamblers.

      2. I Am Still Furious!!*

        I’m not sure if he did or not, but I can see where he deposited the settlement check (minus $3500!!) and then the very next day he was at a casino. And several more casinos…I can tell by the ATM descriptions and addresses. Plus, there were multiple withdraws more than once a day. It’s hard to tell. I suspect she is a gambler too, and “helped” him spend the money. And now that he’s broke, she’s gone. Now he knows how I felt to try to pay bills after he used the ATM card to drain our joint account so he could buy lottery tickets. But, I doubt he’s put two and two together in that regard.

    6. neverjaunty*

      Karma spends a lot of time napping, but when it gets up off its ass and does its job, the results are beautiful.

      You don’t have to decide on the house now, of course.

    7. LCL*

      Wow! I was sure he would squander all of the money, but I thought it would take longer than a month. Glad you are free of him.

    8. Everdene*

      Go you! As others have said, your voice is stronger and you are well rid. Keep going, you’ve got this.

    9. Dan*

      Thanks for the update, glad to hear you’re doing well.

      So… things might get fun for awhile now that he ran out of cash. My ex did the same shit, took the money she was supposed to use to get out of town, and blew it without leaving town. She left me alone when she had cash, and when she didn’t, the pestering happened more often… until she overdosed on some prescription meds and earned herself a trip to the psych ward. She was on my insurance at the time, but thankfully the ambulance co-way ($100) was in her name alone. I heard through the grapevine that the hotel she was staying at “didn’t want damages” but did want payment for the room. How did she get in without payment? She got ahold of some of my hotel loyalty points and booked herself a room. But they cancelled the reservation (after she had already checked in) when I called to inform them that I wasn’t staying in the room and she’s not authorized to use them. Same grapevine indicated the guy she was with was taken away in handcuffs.

      I don’t miss those days, but thought I’d share. Good luck, and fully expect your ex to ask for an “advance” on his next payment.

      Oh, as part of my divorce settlement, I signed over the car to her (I paid for the whole thing, natch). She later sold the car to get cash up front, financed a different car, and got the new car repo’d. When I was a kid, I used to think Jerry Springer was staged, but after having met my ex, I’ve realized that there’s a lot more truth in Spring than some people want to admit.

      1. I am still Furious!!*

        I’m steeling myself for this. He’s already said if I sell our old SUV (2003 with 140K miles), that he “gets half”. I told him I wasn’t thinking of selling it, and even if I did, that’s not in the agreement. He said he didn’t care what the agreement says, he gets half. And that’s the crux of his issues. The rules don’t apply to him, he gets what he wants, when he wants it, and to hell with everyone else.

        I will say that one of my neighbors asked me if I was going to move back in or sell the house, or what was going to happen. Turns out that someone asked him if the house was for sale, and he didn’t know, so I gave out my phone#. Honestly, if I get an offer that will pay the final half of the settlement, and get me out of debt, I’ll ask my Mom if I can move in with her and divest myself of the mess right now. I can find homes for the poor cats. And yes, I’d give him the last half of the settlement ASAP just so I don’t have to be in contact with him in 11 months.

        I am SO GLAD that I did this. Not happy with myself that I waited so long. But at least I can live out the rest of my life free of his nonsense.

        1. Dan*

          The best thing I did was lump sum payments, no excuses for further hassles. Just make sure that if you do pay him early, that you get documentation up the ying yang that makes clear the agreement is satisfied in full. You want to make sure there is no opportunity for any “misunderstanding”.

          I have no idea how these people get through life.

          One thing I learned is that I’m not going to get into an LTR with someone who isn’t financially stable. That’s a non-negotiable for the next go, if there is one.

          1. I Am Still Furious!!*

            Good idea. He received the first settlement check through his attorney. I gave my attorney the money, they wrote a check to him but sent it to his attorney. Papers were signed that he received it in accordance with the agreement. So when the second half is paid, same deal. I pay the small support checks (just 3 more) via check, and note in the comment section “July 2018 Support” and I have front and back scans through my credit union. There’s no question on any of the payments.

            Which brings me to a new thought – wonder where I mail August’s payment? He won’t give me his new address. Huh.

          2. Windchime*

            Dan — They get through life by sponging off other people. Once you close your checkbook and they finally get the message that the gravy train is over, they move on to someone else. And it seems like there is always someone else who is willing to pay, at least for a little while. It’s exhausting.

        2. Traffic_Spiral*

          “He said he didn’t care what the agreement says, he gets half. And that’s the crux of his issues. The rules don’t apply to him, he gets what he wants, when he wants it, and to hell with everyone else.”

          Oh Jesus, Mary and Joseph, woman – close down that joint account!

    10. Observer*

      Some bleach can do wonders for the linen. It would be nice if everything else were so easy…

      I’d get my name of his account ASAP – you don’t want anyone to consider that you have any responsibility. You also don’t want to take a chance that he’s going to try to claim that you are accessing his account for nefarious purposes.

      As for the rest, lots of luck with the house. I think that once you get things cleaned up, you’ll have a better sense of what your options actually entail.

  30. The curator*

    Question

    The spoucel unit took my car to be washed and as a lovely service to the marriage took it to the body shop to get an estimate on two bullet holes in the frame by the driver door.
    No I don’t know how they got there.

    It’s going to be $2800 to fix.

    They suggested filing a claim with my issuance company for vandalism .
    Won’t that make my rates go up?

    I have the money. Been saving for something else.? Should I just pay myself?

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      Depends hugely on the insurance. When our car got backed into (by someone who left while I was looking through the glove box for the insurance papers) it turned out our insurance covered all the body shop repair (spouse was surprised to find he’d been carrying that–old car) and there was no change in our rates.

      Shortly after that we bought a new car, got a licensed teen, and bought another new car, and those did all change the rates.

    2. Ali G*

      Do you live in a state that requires you to carry insurance for uninsured drivers? My car was parked on the street last year and someone side-swiped it and drove away doing 4k of damage. Since I filed a police report, insurance treated it as an uninsured drivers claim – and since my premium already included that coverage, our rates did not go up.

    3. Mike C.*

      So long as you don’t have multiple claims already, I think you’d be fine.

      You can always talk to an agent and see what would be best. It’s not like they will ding you for asking.

    4. Rebecca*

      This made me smile, not that you have bullet holes in your car, ’cause that’s bad, but that people here actually get little decals to put on their vehicles to make them look like they have bullet holes in them. I live in rural central PA. Not sure if this is a thing in other places :)

    5. blackcat*

      Depends on your state.

      A neighbor had his car door taken off by a snow plow. Insurance covered it, in full, no rate hike, and sued the city for the money. He was told that as long as the car was parked legally when any damaged happened, he was not considered “at fault” for any damage to an unoccupied car.

    6. Thlayli*

      Call your insurance company to ask. Sometimes vandalism doesn’t affect your rates since it’s not your fault. And they won’t usually charge you just to ask the question (if they do – switch to a different crowd next year coz that would be awful customer service).

      1. The curator*

        Thank you everyone. I will give the insurance agent a call. I was certainly legally parked.

  31. Call me St. Vincent*

    I asked last week but really late so no replies (or no one had any advice, which is also fine!), but does anyone have a Peloton bike? Is it worth it? Other recs for home gym/exercise equipment? Just had my second baby and my husband and I are looking for a way to workout at home that is as quiet as possible and also fun to use and sneak in a workout when the kids are napping/otherwise still asleep. Thanks!

    1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      I hadn’t heard of one of those bikes but wow! That looks really cool! :)

      I would suggest maybe something bodyweight related – TRX bands perhaps? ton of things you can do with them once you mount them, take up less space and can be tossed in a drawer when not using, and I imagine there are plenty of online videos to watch to make up a routing.

      1. Call me St. Vincent*

        That is really cool! It seems a little intimidating but I will look at it a bit more :)

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      Not equipment, but I have liked Barre3’s online workouts–there are some free samples on YouTube. Dance/pilates/yoga hybrid. Mat based, optional ball/weights/bands, some you can do standing without even a mat. Two aspects I particularly like:
      • They have a lot of short workout options, like 10 minutes. Something you can probably squeeze in.
      • They emphasize how to ramp up the workout for more intensity or adapt the moves if you have various muscle or joint problems. I have the latter, and find these are similar to physical therapy–lots of small high rep movements, where the first few are easy and the last few you struggle to get through. On days I do Barre3 I find I can skip the PT stretches.

      1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

        This is an awesome suggestion, especially as my trainer just moved to a new gym that is far too expensive (and out of my way) to attend so I have switched to training myself, primarily at the gym but some days I just cant get there. He worked in a lot of core and PT type movements as well to help with my back problem, so this would work great!

        I see Peloton is coming to the UK in the fall though… we would probably have to move to a place with a third bedroom and better internet connectivity to make it worthwhile but really intriguing especially as Other Half sits on his behind all day and finding something for him to do is challenging as he isn’t a gym guy.

      2. Call me St. Vincent*

        Neat! I have done Yogaglo in the past and liked it, but the problem was always that the classes were very long (which I love, but just no time). I will definitely look into this!

        1. Justin*

          My wife loves it. I have no patience so she finds 30 minute classes when I do it with her, if that timing works for you.

    3. Ali G*

      We recently bought a used Nordiktrack elliptical from a neighbor who was moving. It came with lifetime accounts to IFit for each of us (me and hubs). I really like it (and it’s pretty quiet).

        1. Ali G*

          Actually, yes. And it’s super heavy. The footprint is probably twice the size of a Peloton.

          1. Call me St. Vincent*

            Really good to know. Thanks! We were thinking of putting it in our guest room/office as there is sort of a nook that it would fit in. It’s on the second floor so we were thinking getting something bigger (e.g. a treadmill or elliptical) would be hard to get up the stairs.

            1. Ali G*

              Ours is actually on the second floor…and it was treacherous. My husband and his friend moved it, and these are 2 big guys and there were some tense moments. I love it now that it is there – it’s very stable so being on the second floor for functional reasons is fine – but it’s never leaving.

              1. Call me St. Vincent*

                Oh boy! Does it feel stable on the floor up there? That’s my other concern, that it will feel like the ceiling downstairs is going to cave in–probably more so a concern with a treadmill.

                1. Ali G*

                  Yes it is stable. We put it on the support beam. We also purposely went elliptical over treadmill for that reason.

    4. School Psych*

      I don’t have one, but I have looked into getting a Peloton bike. I ultimately decided it wasn’t in my budget. It would have been almost 4 thousand dollars for the bike and subscription for the classes. I know a few people who have them and they have gotten into great shape using them. You can get the subscription for the Peloton classes to watch on your phone and just get a regular spin bike. Spin bikes run in the $300-500 range and the subscription for the app is around $30 a month. I’m not sure what your budget is for exercise equipment.

    5. Ranon*

      You might like the Momma Strong workout videos- they’re designed for parents to do with minimal equipment, and as long as there’s a place you can do some amount of jumping without waking the kiddos it might work for you! Plus it’s $2/ month so at least it’s cheap to try.

      1. Call me St. Vincent*

        Thanks! Something I will definitely look into as soon as I’m done nursing. Jumping sounds uncomfortable right now :)

    6. Trixie*

      In addition to TRX, I have also looked up “stabilizer bars” and found some nice DIY options on Pinterest.

    7. Formerly Finally a Fed*

      I have the FlyWheel bike which is essentially the same thing but by a company that also has spin studios with live classes. I honestly love it and think it’s worth the money. I absolutely have to do cardio to maintain my preferred weight and I’ve always found spin classes the best for me – someone yelling at me to do x,y,z for 30-90 minutes makes things go by very quickly! Flywheel has tons of different spin class instructors, lengths and styles, and they’ve also recently started offering other class types like strength training and barre, though I haven’t tried those yet. I find I’m competitive, so I like the leaderboard to track my progress against myself and others (works for both live and recorded classes with flywheel) – which you need a connected bike for. But if you’re not into that (and if you haven’t tried a spin class with a leaderboard, you should definitely do that before buying one of these bikes) you could probably do a much cheaper spin bike and get the peloton or flywheel app. There are some articles online of people who have done similar set ups to the peloton bike for significantly less. Also, set up an alert on craigslist. People do sell used ones for $500-1000 less than what buying the bike new would cost (with deliver, etc.), but in my area they get snapped up really fast. I emailed someone selling one for like $1200 within 5 minutes and it was already spoken for!

      1. Call me St. Vincent*

        Thanks, this is super helpful! I do really love spinning! The leaderboard is a big motivator. I would rather go to classes (there is a great studio in my town) for the atmosphere and the collective effervescence (and the cool dance studio style lighting!) but getting there is so hard right now.

        Ah yes I know FlyWheel and I looked at that bike too. I’m glad to know that you like it so much! I had looked at the NY Times Wirecutter blog reviews and they liked the Peloton better so that’s why I was more interested in that one. I will look more into the FlyWheel bike!

        As far as Craigslist, I live in the boonies so not a good option for me. I’ve seen a lot listed in NYC so maybe but I would have to pick up and drive a couple hours each way to get it which would probably negate the price difference. The ones I saw were selling for like $2000 which I didn’t think was that great of a discount for the drive for me. $1200 would be something else though!

        1. Formerly Finally a Fed*

          I’d be interested to see why they like the Peloton better. I have a friend who has the peloton and he really likes it – I do sometimes wish I had the Peloton we could ride against each other. It has been around longer so maybe some features are better, but I’m very happy with the flywheel. One reason I opted for the flywheel was because you don’t have to buy the mounted display. I use my iPad and positioned the bike in front of a window so I can look out while I ride. Still not as great as going to a class in person, but I find it very effective and I love that I can get on ride for only 30 minutes if that’s all the time or motivation (more likely) I have that day. If NYC is the closest city, you might not see if listed cheaper than $2000, but remember you are saving taxes and shipping, so depending on your sales taxes, it could still be $300-400 savings.

          1. Formerly Finally a Fed*

            OIC, most of the complaints were mostly about the newness of the technology for streaming classes, and the bike with the mounted tablet doesn’t compare as well to the Peloton (but like their recommendation, I went without the built in table). They’ve mostly sorted most of the streaming issues out (there was a hiccup a few weeks ago with their Verizon streaming provider, but they doled out free months of classes and live studio classes) and there are a lot more classes than when they first started out – including Barre and strength like I mentioned above. I guess if you stop paying for the online class membership the bike does become just a really expensive indoor spin bike :/.

    8. Mike C.*

      Those commercials are so creepy. The one where the gal is crying and her husband tells her to get back on the bike has been roundly mocked in my social circles.

      1. Call me St. Vincent*

        Oh jeez–I haven’t seen that one! That sounds really weird and I am definitely going to youtube it asap. I don’t like that every single actor in the commercials I have seen are like 5’10 100 lbs. Nothing wrong with that at all and they are all very beautiful, but would it kill them to show some diverse body types?

    1. Anono-me*

      Thank you for the update. I’m glad to hear you don’t have cancer. But I’m sorry that you still are not doing well.

    3. Overeducated*

      I’m glad about the cancer! I got good results from a screening as well this week and it is such a huge relief.

      I’m sorry about the other stuff though. Sounds tough.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Congrats on the clean test.
      Perhaps this will launch the start of other things turning the corner for you, so you at least get a little relief here and there.

  33. Queenie*

    Does anyone know any good internet forums/message boards?

    When I was in high school I belonged to a few and had a ton of fun talking to kind, funny, creative, smart people who became my close friends (as close as you can get to people you meet online). I’d probably still be in contact with them if I hadn’t gotten too busy to stay involved in college.

    I miss getting to write/talk with people like that, so I’ve tried joining a few online forums, but they’re nothing like I remember. They seem to have a lot of malicious, small-minded, stupid members, and guys who complain about how horrible women are because they won’t date them. Not sure if the internet has just changed in the last decade or if I’m just inadvertently choosing bad places.

    1. Kate Daniels*

      I wish this site had a way for people who have shared interests in the weekend free-for-all or are in the same industry for work to get in touch with each other! There’s been a few times I’ve wanted to follow up with someone to thank them for good advice, but just have to hope they come back to check for any replies!

      1. Mimmy*

        Same here!! I too have wanted to contact other readers to follow up offline so as not to derail threads. For example, someone will say what their job is and I’ll want to ask them about it but don’t because it isn’t relevant to the discussion at hand.

        1. Mianaai*

          I wonder if folks would be interested in a AAM server on Discord. Servers can be heavily moderated, and are sort of similar to an old school forum or IRC chat; a server can have channels, and people can also talk privately by DM

          1. FD*

            I think that’s a really good idea, in principle. How would it be managed, and how would you keep it from becoming an unruly mess?

            1. Mianaai*

              On the Discord communities I frequent, there’s usually a clear code of conduct and a small to medium sized group of mods; 5-10 depending on the server size. They’re usually also semi-open rather than fully open. For instance, newcomers to the server often have to have a verified email on their account and wait a short amount of time before posting (say 5 minutes). You can also set up servers to prevent rapid-fire posting from a single user. In general, though, proactive modding from a team, based on a clear code of conduct, seems to do most of the trick. It also helps to lay out the server into a straightforward set of topic threads, for instance “applying to jobs” or “general discussion” or “nightmare coworkers” so that people can self-select what they read and which discussions they participate in.

      2. Ask a Manager* Post author

        There used to be an AAM LinkedIn group designed for this but after an initial flurry of usage, it went pretty unused (and I finally shut it down since it was more work to maintain it that was warranted by the low level of use).

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      Just that my experience has been that it’s serendipity to find a good group, and that none of them last forever–the host moves on, they switch to the horrid Kinja comment system, the group policing of outside opinions grows over time, etc.

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        Yes — that’s been my hesitation in giving my blessing to an outside affiliated group when it’s come up in the past (other than the now defunct LinkedIn group). I don’t know that I’d want something associated with the site that I had zero control over and which could become a mess.

      2. A username for this site*

        Because it’s such serendipity to find a good group, people aren’t going to necessarily post on an open website where a really good group is. Too many new members at once really throws off the dynamic, and if the new members are too different than the old ones, you end up with the new members filing complaints with the moderator against the old ones, and the old ones leaving out of frustration.

        I was on a site where that happened, we all had to move out and get our own place, so to speak. And the people left in the old forum? They’re a bunch of cantankerous trolls, and the level of discourse is terrible now.

    3. Barbara*

      I am part of Fanforum but it is for TV shows fans, though you have opportunity to talk about other things too. Don’t know it is your thing. It is a good forum. Each TV show has their own board. Can’t guarantee you would not meet narrow minded people at all, but it’s moderated.

      1. Queenie*

        I’d expect a few less than awesome people on any forum since that’s what I expect from any part of life (and there were some in the forums I belonged to when I was younger), but now it seems like the forums have become like toxic work places. On the few forums I’ve tried as an adult, I got so frustrated with the crappy portion of the membership that I couldn’t stand to stay even for the threads/people that seemed cool.

        The old forums I belonged to were for specific fandoms, and the new forums I’ve tried were more general/massive forums, so maybe I need to go back to the fandom forums. People who like things I like are probably more likely to be less jerky.

    4. Mimmy*

      I belong to a forum for fans of a particular singer. It used to be really active but did sometimes get ugly, so I feel ya on missing the interaction. I’d love to find professional forums, but that’s not relevant here in the weekend threads :)

    5. Book Badger*

      Have you tried Friends Of Captain Awkward? Similar audience to here, but on a message board.

      1. Queenie*

        I lurked the Captain Awkward forum for a few days. There was a member that was triggered and got nasty (they posted a few mean threads and were apparently attacking moderators and other members via private message). Stopped going after that. Was worried about the members being extra sensitive and fragile.

    6. Chaordic One*

      I’ve never really been able to find anything current. On rare occasions I’ve had a few meaningful conversations with people on Reddit, but most of the time when I find something, it is really old and everybody associated with it has forgotten about it and moved on. :-(

      1. Queenie*

        I tired a couple Reddit subforums a while ago. Seems like most of the Redditors are helpful and cool, but there’s always a bunch of trolls around that ruin it. :( Have to keep looking to find my people.

    7. Daphne*

      No real suggestions – there is one I lurk on and won’t name because it might ‘out’ me but despite posting and being a member for years, I’ve never cracked it and formed real connections. I also miss forums on band/singer websites. There was one that I posted on a lot in my teens and even went to a meet up. Lost touch with them when I got older though. Nowadays it’s all Twitter/Insta and doesn’t feel like anyone really converses, it’s just shouting into the aether or single sentence comments “cool song” “so extra” etc etc

      1. Queenie*

        I agree. I made a lot of friends when I was younger, but now it seems more like I’m just throwing words out there and contributing to “noise” instead interacting and building relationships.

  34. Mimmy*

    Anyone ever experience elevated liver enzymes?

    Had a follow-up to routine lab work yesterday, and my liver enzymes were high, and they’ve been slowly climbing for the last year or so. I’m having an ultrasound in a couple of weeks, and a repeat of the test (plus a recheck of something else that was slightly elevated) in a month.

    I feel horrible because my doctor thinks it’s from drinking. Now, I will admit that I have had the habit of drinking more than I should, but I began cutting back on that in the last year or so. I cut WAY back after my numbers came back elevated in March. However, instead of getting better, my numbers are even worse.

    My husband and my parents are convinced that something else is causing the elevated levels. In fact, I think my parents think my doctor is overreacting.

    So now I don’t know what to do. Am I overreacting? A part of me wonders if I should cancel the ultrasound and just do the re-check in a month and take it from there.

    Ugh. I want my 20s back!! :(

    1. dorothy zbornak*

      how elevated were they? the last time I had blood work mine came back slightly elevated but not enough to concern my doctor. I guess the specific enzyme that was elevated was in the mid-30s but high 20s is normal and he said he doesn’t get concerned until it reaches around 100.

    2. Ali G*

      Are you on any medication? I have a nerve med I take that can lead to elevated liver enzymes, so I have to check my drinking when I take it.
      I drink too much and take this med (not together) and I haven’t had any issues. So I think you’d have to drink A LOT to have elevated enzymes from drinking only. I wouldn’t skip the ultrasound – if your doc is worried enough to do that, I wouldn’t ignore it.

      1. Mimmy*

        I’m on several medications – 2 for diabetes (even though I’m technically borderline) and an SSRI. While she needled me a bit about the drinking, she did acknowledge that it could be one of my medications. My follow-up for all of this is September 6 (ugh). Gee doc, thanks for ruining the rest of my summer!!

        1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

          I would get the ultrasound. Also your numbers aren’t too up so whatever it is, is early and not irreversible. The liver is a forgiving organ. Just figure out with your docs what’s going on so you can work on it before it does permanent damage (which would take years…)

        2. bunniferous*

          IIRC drinking is contraindicated if you are on an SSRI. Granted my info is a decade or so old….

    3. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Could be NASH which is usually from being overweight.

      Or medications.

      Or get screened for Hep C if you have any risk factors (being a baby boomer, tattoos, history of drug use, blood transfusion before the 1990s).

      Also make sure you don’t use too much Tylenol – don’t take more than 3 grams per day (6 of the 500 mg tabs or 5 of the 625 mg).

      1. murse*

        Good point. The old guidelines say 4 grams but it has been changed to three. Also double check any medications bottles because they include it in a lot of cough syrups and the like.

    4. Earthwalker*

      I got my liver enzymes back to normal when I quit cod liver oil. Seems that in boosting vitamin D and healthy fish oils, I’d got too much vitamin A. It took about eight months of laying off it to make a difference in the blood workups, though. So perhaps you’re on the way to getting positive results from changing your drinking habits and just need to wait a little longer.

    5. StrikingFalcon*

      You could to keep a log of your drinking, if you feel like the doctor is dismissing the concern under “just drink less.”

      1. Mimmy*

        I actually did create a log after my March test – it’s very simple, just a list of dates, what I had and how much. I started off pretty well, but June was tough because I had a couple of family events and a 3-day conference, and I couldn’t resist. I’ve always stayed with wine, and usually try to keep it to one or two glasses per sitting

        Still, my husband tells me that I’ve never drank enough for any length of time that would cause any damage. Maybe I overdid a bit during my trip last month, but I never had anything hard, and NEVER more than anyone else in my family.

        Maybe my log will make me feel less guilty. I’m tempted to wave it in my doctor’s face next time I’m there lol.

        1. WS*

          Unfortunately, some people are more susceptible to liver problems than others, and a smaller amount may still be affecting you when it wouldn’t affect another person. Keeping a log is probably a good idea in that it will encourage the doctor to keep looking for causes.

          1. only acting normal*

            The effect of the alcohol may also be compounded by the medications – if both are processed by the liver then it’s working overtime. (A good reason not to treat hangovers with paracetamol / acetaminophen, a double-whammy on the liver).

    6. Nervous Accountant*

      I think. I posted about this last week. In my case, I am a long time diabetic and overweight so that was a clear reason for a fatty liver. Forgive me if I am off in my understanding about this. Good luck.

    7. A Non E. Mouse*

      So I’m not diabetic and don’t drink a lot (like, might have 2 beers a month) and suddenly a few years ago my liver numbers we climbing ever so slowly and the most silly thing was causing it:

      OTC meds for allergies.

      Like I was taking a ton of over-the-counter medicine to deal with the symptoms of severe allergies. The recommended doses, sure….but continously.

      I had to switch to allergy shots from the doctor, and quit taking OTC stuff. Liver stuff was all back to normal in 6 months.

      You taking a lot of OTC stuff? Might log it too, just to be sure.

      1. ..Kat..*

        What over the counter allergy medications? I ask because I take Allegra and pseudaphed a lot and my liver enzymes are up.

    8. nonprofit director*

      My nephew, who is in his early 20s and does not drink any alcohol, had elevated liver enzymes, which they eventually said was non-alcoholic fatty liver disease. His diet was pretty bad- lots of soda, fast food, commercial baked goods. He cleaned up his diet and things are looking better.

      Not saying this is your situation, but maybe something to consider. And get the ultrasound. It’s non-invasive and can give your doctor some good information about the state of your liver.

    10. CupcakeCounter*

      My MIL had that and decided to do the Whole 30 (for a variety of other reasons but drinking more than she probably should was towards the top of the list).
      It actually did workout pretty well for her – lost about 1/2 the weight she was hoping to lose, got her blood work back in order, and she was able to cut back on her drinking quite a bit after that. Its been about 18 months and the blood work is still fine…the drinking is almost where it was before though so that isn’t ideal.

  35. CoveredInBees*

    Who wants to hear some irony? There’s a therapist near me that takes my insurance, has hours that matches mine, takes my insurance, and specializes in the area of help I need (post-partum anxiety).

    One of the issues I am hoping to address is general feelings of social invisibility and she hasn’t responded to my attempts to set up a consultation. Womp. Womp. Her website says to contact via an online form or phone call. I sent a short email via the form and then left a voicemail 10 days later. Maybe my feelings of invisibility aren’t so baseless after all.

    1. gecko*

      That is some irony! It’s also the problems that you know you have continuing to mess with you. Finding a therapist is notoriously difficult and this is annoying behavior on her part.

      Your feelings of invisibility are feelings, and your brain is searching to justify those feelings (and our brains are really good at justifying feelings after we have them). Please keep looking for a therapist!

    2. BugSwallowersAnonymous*

      Ugh, that has to be demoralizing. If it helps at all, I know that really good therapists sometimes have a backlog of new patients to get to, so it may just be that she has loads of calls and emails to get through. I hope you can get the support you need soon.

    4. Gatomon*

      I’ve had the same problem trying to get connected with several therapists in the past. It enrages me. At least have the courtesy to take 2 minutes to call someone/email someone and tell someone you’re booked solid or whatever the problem is.

      I’ve had better luck going to larger clinics where the patient scheduling is managed by staff and not the therapist themselves. If there aren’t any near you that are covered under your insurance, maybe you can work out a discount for self-pay with them? It might come out cheaper than paying your copay and then getting balance-billed.

    5. Jane of all Trades*

      Oh man, that sucks! I would probably take this as a sign that she is unreliable, and would continue looking around for a therapist who is more responsive, because that is so important!
      I feel you on the irony, as somebody who went to the therapist to deal with my fear of abandonment, only to have the therapist ghost me after 3 months…
      Hang in there, and hopefully you will find a great therapist soon!

    6. Denise*

      Some therapists do this and I am not sure why. I am a primary care doctor and one of my patients had so much trouble getting callbacks that I finally asked my assistant to leave messages with a few of the therapists as well asking them to return the patients call because I was worried. My patient got one callback and that turned out to be a great therapist.

    7. Phoenix Programmer*

      How long ago was the message?

      I have found a lot of places with online appointment type items are not great at responding to them.

  36. Amber Rose*

    So last month my friend invited me camping, so I spent a bunch of money on like a sleeping bag and stuff and I was looking forward to going next weekend.

    Then I get a text yesterday that she didn’t actually book it and they’re full up (because of course they are). But they have first come first serve spots so we should just get out there “as fast as we can.” Except I have to work until noon on Friday so we can’t even leave the city until around 1, if we’re quick about it.

    I love her dearly but I’m feeling a bit salty and I strongly suspect we’re gonna get out there then have to come right back. And I will have spent money I don’t have on stuff I’ll never use and food I don’t need. :/

    1. Traveling Teacher*

      Sad for you :( Can you return the stuff for a refund or is it too late? Or, book your own camping trip? :)

    2. KR*

      Are there other campsites or campgrounds? A lot of the ones I know of have lots of RVs and then entire tenting sections with sites for 20-30/night and you usually get access to amenities and electricity which is nice

      1. Amber Rose*

        There are, but not that many nearby. We’re not going long enough to justify more than a couple hours drive.

    3. Overeducated*

      Use it another time! I have tried and failed twice to go camping after buying a sleeping bag (rained out both times) but I still really want to try again. Looks like my beach trip with a friend is gonna get rained out tomorrow too, but sadly that friend is moving away next month….

      Grrr to your friend, bad planning!

        1. NotaPirate*

          Fall camping is my favorite! You have less bugs. Less heat which makes fires enjoyable and not painful. Just pack extra blankets and sweaters (gloves and a hat in case the nights are extra cold). Also the trees get amazing color in the fall. And things tend to be less crowded. (I’ve friends that camp outdoors in winter too but that’s a little intense for me. They have special sleeping bags. I do love snow hiking tho).

          1. Amber Rose*

            Oh, what I meant was I have no more time off this year. I only get 10 days and I’ve used them all.

    4. ainomiaka*

      while the food is a slightly different story it’s not like the tent and sleeping bag will expire. Is next weekend the only time you could go?

      1. Amber Rose*

        Yeah, I have used up all my time off, that’s why I can only take a half day.

        They won’t expire but I am on a budget so tight that it was a bit painful paying, which is worse if I can’t even use the stuff.

        1. Woodswoman*

          Ugh, that must be so frustrating that your friend didn’t book the site. While the food won’t last forever and that’s an expense, the camping gear can be used for years. Any chance you can hang on to it for a future trip rather than “never”, even it’s not until next year? Perhaps you could even go with this same friend, assuming you remain on good terms, and just manage the booking part yourself.

    5. neverjaunty*

      If you can’t even leave until 1 there’s no point in going.

      Why didn’t she book the campsite?

      1. Amber Rose*

        She’s a bit, well, naive? She doesn’t like planning ahead and kind of assumes things will happen on their own.

        2. Thlayli*

          OMG I hate letting other people plan things. I recognise that I can be a bit of a control freak, but there have been at least 3 people I’ve gone on trips with that I’ve delegated stuff to and they are so useless. I juts try to do everything myself now! I have only one friend out of all my friends that I would trust to so much as book a concert ticket!

  37. Cruciatus*

    So last week I wrote about a house that I loved but was a bad school district. Turns out there’s another wrinkle–high property taxes. The millage rate is surprisingly high. The property taxes weren’t posted correctly because the house was built with a program my city has that offers property tax exemptions for 10 years on certain new buildings and the people living in the house now have a disabled veteran who is also exempt from the property taxes but the program has since expired so that won’t come into play for me at all. I told my realtor this was the only house I’ve really had this much interest in in the 2 years I’ve been searching but she basically just said “What can you do?” And that was that.

    So I’m wondering whether to continue pursuing and if there are any solutions available (and I’m also looking into other realtors). Here are the quick details–I actually plan on buying a house outright thanks to an inheritance (I probably wouldn’t be able to buy otherwise). I don’t even yet make 35K (and at this point have faced facts that I will never have a high paying job) but after I use part of the inheritance I plan on using my own salary for everything unless a crisis occurs. The property taxes are $5800 (for a 1600 sq. ft house, .18 acres, 3 bed, 2 full baths. This is about $2300 higher than other similar properties in lower millage districts). I can afford the nearly $500 a month since I won’t have a mortgage, but part of me is thinking about that extra $200ish that I wouldn’t be spending if I lived in another house. On the other hand, this house is 11 years old, shouldn’t (*shouldn’t!*) need much work, is 5 minutes from work (for now), close to the highway, and has everything I want.

    Can a potential buyer get a house reassessed and have the purchase contingent on that? Or can only owners do that? I do think the house is assessed too high and if I did buy I would get it reassessed right away. They are already selling it $15,000 lower than the assessed value. It’s very odd–the other houses around it are all 1960s and then you have this 2007 house in the middle. If anyone has any ideas to pursue or thoughts about the matter, I’d really appreciate it!

    1. Natalie*

      Does your state have property tax refunds for lower income households? It wouldn’t help with the monthly expense but if you could swing it for a year then you could save each year’s refund to pay part of the next year’s taxes.

    2. Been there*

      Be very wary of the bad school district. Even if you do not have/plan to have kids, it will be more challenging to sell when you are ready to move on. Buyers with children may not even consider your area based upon the district alone.

      1. Traveling Teacher*

        +1! If you have this pile of cash, I’d say wait a little while longer. It doesn’t seem that the house is going anywhere fast–if they’re selling it for a lower rate, maybe they really need a buyer but can’t find one, which definitely raises red flags…

        Is there anything preventing you from getting it reassessed before making an offer? (I’m not in the US, but where I am, it’s a normal part of the process before making an offer. My sibling did this for a house in Canada that they knew needed some work. Their house inspector was able to lay out precisely what was missing/not up to code, plus reasonable estimates of costs to repair, all of which they were able to use to bring the price down significantly.)

      2. neverjaunty*

        This. School districts are a HUGE factor in home sales. Even if you have the type of house that would appeal to childfree folks, they’ll also be considering the ability to sell the home. “It’s in a crappy school district” is a major, major drawback.

        The millage also seems weird. Why is it so high in such a bad school district?

    3. Sorry about that*

      Assessed value for taxes does not necessarily reflect market value of the house. Where I live assessments are not done regularly so over time houses will be over or under assessed depending on their age relative to the last assessment.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yep. We have the same problem here. You may be able to get a reassessment based on what you paid, sometimes that works. But a high mill value is still tough, there’s problems on both sides of that multiplication sign.

    4. Temperance*

      I would keep looking. Bad school district + high taxes is not a good sign. Also, never buy the nicest house on the block. I bought the worst house on my street and am slowly upgrading. I paid $110k less than friends who live in a duplex next to a train.

    5. Ask a Manager* Post author

      This isn’t an answer to your question, but are you sure this is the right real estate agent for you? Based on things you’ve written about her in other weeks, she seems … not great. Ideally an agent would be more proactive on your behalf than she’s been and would give you more guidance on this stuff. She seems like she’s been awfully passive and unhelpful.

      1. Cruciatus*

        Yeah, I know. This is advice I got here last year too (same realtor.) Here’s the long version no one asked for. My mom’s health started to decline last fall (pulmonary hypertension–if you have trouble walking 5 feet, go to your doctor immediately, people! Don’t wait 5 weeks!) so I wasn’t searching seriously. When my mom was finally back from the hospital 2 months later I started looking but in that time never found a new realtor since it was winter and not much was happening house-wise and I just didn’t see the urgency. Then something came up and I felt I needed to immediately contact someone about it and went back to the realtor I had been using. So because I did that I’ve just been continuing to use her–but only emails. We’ve still *never met* and I mostly only go to open houses.

        I actually did try another realtor about 2 months ago who was recommended to me but I could tell immediately she wasn’t right for me either. She didn’t ask for any of my housing preferences and basically told me I see what she sees online so just let her know when I wanted to see a house. Seriously, REMAX lady? You never know of any houses before they are posted online? I went to an open house and emailed her what she thought about some things and how motivated the sellers were since it had been 4 months and she said she’d ask the agent some questions. That was 6 weeks ago maybe? I’m still waiting for her to contact me back… And by that point I was like it is not my job to constantly hound my realtor. If she can’t call me back then she’s out (and that house was pending 3 days later, which I was OK with. If it had been an absolute must I would have tried harder). At least the first one emails me back, even if she’s otherwise passive. I have yet *another* name for a realtor but is the 3rd time the charm? I just don’t know what is happening. I don’t know if the realtor community in my area is weird or what. Or I’m not paying enough for a house to be taken seriously? These two people are all super highly recommended people. Five-star reviews everywhere and I know real people who used them. I know what I want, what I want to spend, and, most of the time this house aside, where I want to spend it!

        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          So here’s a theory and it could be wrong — but I wonder if you’d have better results if you started with someone new and right away asked them to take you out to look at houses. I’m thinking that maybe they’re not invested in you because they’ve never met you and haven’t seen you seriously looking. My experience with agents is that you always go out to look at things together right away, and that builds the relationship and lets them get to know you and what you like. If you haven’t even met in person, I’m thinking they might not think of you as a serious buyer who they should invest time in.

          It might be worth trying a third agent but this time meeting up right away and looking at a few houses together (usually you’d see like 3-4 on the first trip). I’m thinking maybe it hasn’t happened that way because there aren’t enough you’re interested in to make a trip like that make sense, but it could be that picking some that don’t seem *perfect*, just kind of in the general realm of what you might want, would make it doable.

          I don’t know — they should see you as a potential commission and be working to get it, and if that’s not happening, I’m thinking they don’t see it that way for some reason.

          2. Cruciatus*

            That’s a good idea. I actually was going to go out with the first/current realtor right after I contacted her but she somehow forgot she had an open house and an hour later was like “can you just go to some open houses alone?” and that became the new normal. At least I’ve never signed a contract with her. And yes, it was my first (maybe even second) sign all was not right.

          3. blackcat*

            This is great advice.

            When I was buying, my agent specifically said “Let’s go to a bunch of places together so I can get a sense of what you want.” We did a week of like 10 places together. It helped him see what we wanted AND helped build trust/a relationship. The house we eventually bought I found online, went to the open house, texted my agent, who came by after the OH to do a look and offer his feedback.

          4. FD*

            I don’t know — they should see you as a potential commission and be working to get it, and if that’s not happening, I’m thinking they don’t see it that way for some reason.

            IME a lot of agents also take on more clients than they can actually handle and then don’t provide great service to any of them. It’s a low barrier to entry job and the market’s hot, so there’s going to be more of those than normal out there right now.

          5. Connie Reagan*

            Actually that realtor was right that she sees the houses the same time as Cruciatus does. I am in the business (but I do not work with buyers-I just sell foreclosures) and if the poster is hooked up to a good MLS site then he or she should see the houses come online the same time the agent does. Back in the old days the agent had more control of the process but the Internet has changed things considerably. Now that does not excuse an agent from going over the list with the buyer’s criteria and making suggestions of things to see, of course-but these days from what I see (My husband is also an agent working with buyers and sellers) the buyer is in the driver’s seat way, way more than in the past.)

    6. Nacho*

      I can’t speak for you, but for me, $200/month is definitely worth living 5 minutes from work in an almost new house. I say go for it.

    7. not Lynn Davis*

      You might try googling for an “exclusive buyer agent” in your area (assuming US) to see if there are any. In general, even ‘your’ real estate agent has a responsibility to the seller. Here’s a basic explanation:
      https://www.hgtv.com/design/real-estate/learn-the-pros-and-cons-of-a-buyers-agent

      As first-time buyers, we were much more assured working with a buyer’s agent, and even ended up using the mortgage broker and home inspector she recommended (though did also do our own research on them).

      And maybe check with a tax professional on paying for a house in full vs taking a mortgage anyway (and banking the unused portion to pay the mortgage) – a huge chunk of a monthly mortgage payment goes toward mortgage interest, and you may be able to write that off on your taxes. (Unless you’re inclined to spend the banked portion on something else, and not be able to pay mortgage?….which would be a bad thing!)

  38. Natalie*

    Garden people, anyone have experierence with potted citrus?

    My parents gave me a dwarf lime tree for my birthday, but it arrived from the nursery absolutely infested with citrus scale. I didn’t notice for 6 weeks (turns out that camo works!) and in the meantime all of the leaves fell off.

    The nursery is replacing it, but the one I have is still alive so I figured maybe I could nurse it back to health and have 2 trees! I removed all of the scale insects (bastards) and I’m monitoring for new scales and spraying it with insecticidal soap. It has zero leaves, but the stems are still green and flexible. What else should I do?

    (We’re in zone 4 so this will never live outside full time, but right now it’s warm enough to put it outside if that would help.)

    1. Anona*

      I’m not an expert, but I have had a potted lemon tree for a couple of years. We had a kumquat but once it lost all its leaves from scale it eventually died. When the new tree comes, keep it separated from the old so the scale doesn’t spread. We our the lemon tree outside during summer since it seems to do much better outside, just better sun. We also got some special citrus fertilizer from home Depot. It took a year or two, but we had lemons last winter!

    2. Grits McGee*

      If you haven’t already, add some fertilizer as a boost to help your tree regrow its leaves. There are some citrus specific fertilizers, but anything that has nitrogen as the primary ingredient will do the job.

      If you move the pot outside, will it get more sun? In Zone 4, it doesn’t look like it will get hot enough for it to fry if you put it outside. I would bring it in if the temp gets below 65 degrees.

      1. Natalie*

        It’s on the porch now where it gets diffused sunlight, and we have long days at the moment so it’s definitely at least 12 hours. There are sunnier spots in the garden but it would be direct unfiltered sunlight which some sources seem to discourage.

        Temps are fluctuating significantly in my city (hurray climate change) so we’re getting 70s for a few days and then suddenly 90s with high humidity. How hot is too hot?

        1. FaintlyMacabre*

          My key lime lives in my sunroom that faces south. Temps get up to 100, and as long as I don’t let it dry out, it’s happy as a clam.

    3. I'm A Little Teapot*

      did you know that there is a blog about citrus plants? They have treatment article, maybe it’ll help. just remove all the spaces, hopefully it through auto-mod.

      https ://lemoncitrustree. com/store/ citrus-blog/2015/03/18 /treating-and-preventing-scale/

  39. Exhausted Anon*

    Not using my regular name for this.

    I have found myself exceptionally frustrated this week because I realized that I do the emotional labor for way too many people. I have a lot of friends with a variety of mental and physical illnesses and I try to be a good support system for all of them, but sometimes I just get overwhelmed because I feel like no one returns the favor.

    How can I walk the line of still being a supportive and caring friend while also prioritizing my own needs?

    1. neverjaunty*

      1) Are you asking them to return the favor? Sometimes if you’re the Strong Supportive Friend, other people don’t know that you want to lean on them or need their help. They just assume you have your shit together.

      2) If you are asking them for help and they can’t/won’t return the favor, pull back. It’s true that friendships have give and take, but if you’re hanging with people who always want to lean on you but never offer a shoulder in return, they’re not really friends, they’re freeloading therapy clients.

      1. NotaPirate*

        As someone who also struggles with this, can you expand on how to ask? They start dumping on me when i ask something benign like “How was your week?” and I feel weird doing the same in response to How are you? Especially if its over text, which it often is.

        1. neverjaunty*

          If you need to talk to them about something you don’t have to wait for an opening. “Hey, can I talk to you about something that happened today?”

          If they aren’t nearly as receptive to listening to your problems, I’d be a lot slower to respond to their texts.

          1. FutureLibrarianNoMore*

            +1

            It has taken me a lot of therapy and a LONG time to realize that while sometimes friends need all of your attention, mostly it is a give and take relationship. Sometimes I’m doing well and need no help, other times, my BFF on vacation has to duck outside to calm me down after my relationship ended. Sometimes she is doing well, sometimes I need to listen to her rant for an hour.

            If someone doesn’t support you when you need it, they’re not a true friend.

    2. Anon101*

      I struggle with this too sometimes, especially with one of my best friends (and, to be honest, my partner). And it sucks. I have high expectations of myself & expecting that from others can be a disappointing when they don’t reciprocate. My friend, Anna, is very much struggling with impulse control, anxiety & depression. I’ll get these long emails or texts that are vitriolic (not at me, but at most things in her life—job, abusive boyfriend, relationships).

      What has worked for me is to not respond immediately. Sometimes I’ll wait a day or two before emailing her back; or if she texts me wait until the next part of the day (morning>afternoon afternoon>evening) before responding. It gives me a moment to breathe out, get me initial “oh my god what is this,” anger/sadness moment out, and to let it process on the back of my head rather than give it full attention/brain power. And when I do respond, I’ll focus on only certain aspects of what she is saying. That way I don’t get pulled into the vortex of whatever emotional trauma is happening at the moment, while still being supportive & keeping lines of communication open.

      Just responding, while not commenting on the most upsetting or labor intensive parts of the message, seems to be sufficiently supportive! And I don’t feel drained by getting too deep into whatever is going on at the moment.

      I’ve also found being direct helps as well, whether it’s with expectations or emotions. I feel selfish wanting to say, “I did this for you & now I’m not getting any support” but I feel it all the time. So I try to just say “hey I’m struggling with x right now, could you do y” & give them an opportunity to be there for me in whatever way. But it sucks to be a lot of things to other people & not have that returned or have it mess with your own well being.

      1. matcha123*

        I agree with this. And also check to see if you feel like you have to fix what’s bothering them or if you’re not unintentionally setting yourself up to have them start telling you about things.
        Sometimes we want to just rant, and sometimes our rants are all about the same thing. I have friends that like to rant and I rant to them, but we aren’t expecting the other to fix our problems or really do much of anything.
        I have some other friends who also want to rant, but perhaps their issues seem petty to me or less relatable and those ones drain me. (ex- a friend who seems burned out from her job, but the tasks she describes seem quite routine…emailing clients, meeting with boring people, doing overtime for a week or so…)
        Listening and then focusing on leaving those topics behind when you part ways may help, too. Or starting in with your own topics first / limiting the time on pressing topics by offering sympathies and turning the subject to something else.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Add friends to your mix who DO give back. Seriously. Friendships should be a give and take, if not the giver ends up with fatigue.
      Also set specific boundaries, such as you can give rides if you are going that direction. Or you can talk about family problems once a week with Jane. Or you will babysit little Joey on Fridays only.
      Let’s look at it this way, can you join a group and not worry about friends while you are out having fun with your new group? If no, then change to handing out fishing poles instead of fish. Don’t let people just vent and vent. Venting at some point stops being helpful and causes the person to keep doing what they have been doing right along. The next time they get a load of frustration they call/visit you to drop it off so they can go find more.

    4. Penguin*

      Check out Captain Awkward’s blog [https://captainawkward.com/]- this comes up frequently in letters she answers! Looking under the tag “self-care” is probably a good start to find some of those posts.

    5. HannahS*

      Oh, hello, person who is me. Here are some various things I do with my most exhausting, high need peeps whom I love and don’t want to walk away from.
      1) Set up a delay. If someone needs emotional support from you RIGHT NOW, but you know that they are not in a state of emergency (where emergency means that they or someone else is physically unsafe), tell then you can’t talk right now but you’ll speak to them tomorrow. Or on the weekend.
      2) Straight up tell them how you’re doing; commit to taking up space in the conversation. It’s ok to talk about yourself without being asked. If they’re really your friends, they’ll appreciate that you’re telling them about your life; they might be used to you being stoic, or not really telling them how you’re doing, or used to not asking you, but you’re free to change that!
      3) Tell them. I once told a good friend, “I need more support from you.” We were only 18; I was going through a very scary medical thing while she was having trouble with her boyfriend. I told her I wanted to hear from her more, and she stepped up.
      4) Re-think the relationship. Is this person someone in a bad phase where they take more than they give? Or are they always like this?
      5) If you’re being sucked into a vortex of them repeating the same things to you again and again, try and break up the pattern by just saying things like, “Yeah, I remember you telling me last time. That really sucks. Have you done anything nice for yourself lately/read any good books/seen that new movie?”

      1. HannahS*

        Oh, and of course, “I hear you; it sounds like you’re having a hard time. I don’t know what to say, though. Maybe this is a conversation you should have with a therapist/your doctor/etc.”

  40. Back to School*

    I graduated with my undergrad in 2008 and am heading back for my MBA. My work will pay tuition reimbursement for about 75% of it (yay!). However, they don’t pay me back until the end of the semester so I need some sort of loan or credit card. The Fafsa rate was 6.6% (or close to it) which is just as much as Wells Fargo. Or am I missing something? I’m almost tempted to do a one-year no interest credit card and just pay the 2.5% fee the school charges for credit card transactions. The financial aid office just pushed me towards the Fafsa which just didn’t seem like a great deal as a grad student. Any insight is appreciated!

    1. Rookie Biz Chick*

      Often the student loan interest is subsidized by the federal government while you’re in school. You won’t know the terms for sure unless you apply, but the process may be worth it to see your options.

      1. KayEss*

        Unfortunately, subsidized interest on federal student loans for graduate school is a thing of the past. You don’t have to make payments on the principal balance of an unsubsidized federal student loan while you are enrolled in school, but you do have to pay the interest.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Do you have a credit union near you?
      Do other employees have tips you could apply to your own setting?

      1. KayEss*

        Yes, this. The FAFSA is an application to see how much federal aid loans you are eligible for, but there’s no requirement to then take those federal loans or penalty for not doing so if you have a better option elsewhere. It’s not very arduous to fill out, so I would suggest you go ahead and do it just to keep your options open.

        I personally would not go the credit card route unless I knew absolutely for sure without question that I could eat the semester’s balance if circumstances with your work change or something else came up, because you definitely don’t want the interest to get started on that. Can you consult with your work’s HR or whoever deals with tuition reimbursement to see how people usually handle this and what factors you should consider?

    4. Dan*

      This is all really just a numbers game.

      First, you’re taking a gamble that you will keep your job.

      Federal student loans: Won’t have to pay while in school. If you end up leaving your job, flunking out of the program, or for some reason fail to get paid back from work, you have flexible repayment options.

      Wells Fargo: If they’re offering you a “private” loan, then the payment terms probably won’t be any more favorable than the Stafford loan route, but you’ll likely lose repayment flexibility if you need it.

      With both loan options, you’ll want to check and see if there are any origination fees.

      Credit card: Depending on your credit limit and need for further credit throughout the upcoming term, your card could show high utiliziation and subsequently increase the rate you pay if you need new credit. I assume you have an offer that will give you 0% APR on new purchases? My cards that do 0% APR balance transfers do have 4% fee.

      Odds are the CC option carries both the lowest cost but also highest risk.

  41. Kate S*

    What advice would you give someone who’s turning 35? Someone who has a great job, good education but doesn’t have kids or a spouse yet.

    Good words of wisdom or things you wish you’d have done differently in your 30s?

    1. Ali G*

      Say yes to more things! I met my husband when I was 33 at a random outing I didn’t really want to go to. But I went because I hadn’t done anything social in a while.
      I don’t think saying yes is only good for getting a husband though. It can give you lots of fun and exciting experiences you might not otherwise have and enrich your life!

      1. FutureLibrarianNoMore*

        +1

        Turning 30 next year, and I moved 1,200 miles from home two years ago. It has *transformed* my life, legitimately. It wasn’t necessarily the move though, it was a willingness to say yes to something that was outside of the ordinary.

        Since then, I’ve used that as my litmus test. It has challenged me, pushed me out of my comfort zone, and given me the life that I used to dream of while sitting alone in my room in my parent’s house at 26.

    2. LCL*

      If your employer offers a 401k with matching, invest the maximum they will match.

      Go ahead and take ski lessons now, even if you have to use vacation.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Just my idea, but I think each decade gets better. My 20s were better than my teens, my 30s were better than my 20s and so on. Looking back I had something in each decade that I did not have in any other decade.
      In my mid to late 30s I felt my self-confidence grow. I learned more about what I stand for and what I don’t tolerate. Overall life made more and more sense.
      I don’t think we have it all at any given time. We get X then we lose Y, we get A and then we lose B, it’s the ebb and flow of life. Comparing our own lives to other people’s lives is usually going to make us feel empty on the inside. Instead compare yourself to you ten years ago. Think about where you would like to be by age 45 and start planning how you will get there.

      1. Kate S*

        This is really powerful. Things have improved since my 20s greatly.

        Looking forward to all the great advice from posters!

    4. nep*

      (Do you want a spouse and/or kids?)

      It’s just a number.
      Don’t spend energy on negative thoughts over not locking in this or that by a certain age.
      Drink plenty of water. Get ample sleep.
      Spend more time on things that make you forget to check your phone. (This wasn’t a thing when I was in my 30s, but I like this advice in today’s day and age. Varies–some people are more tethered to their phones than others.)
      When you feel a pull to step out of your comfort zone, go with that.
      Speak up even if your voice shakes.

      1. Kate S*

        I do want a good husband and kids. Plus to have a nice house with a pool. Did a lot of mental planning on those dreams. :)

        I do need to step out of comfort zone more.

    6. Candy*

      I’m 38 now and 34/35 was a real turning point for me. I really started examining my life in a way I had never before. I had spent the entirety of my twenties and early thirties in relationships and I was newly single so I really started thinking about what *I* wanted to do with my life. Not having to consider someone else was really freeing.

      What I ended up doing was subletting my apartment and taking a year leave from my two jobs to travel. I ended up meeting a lot of great people just by saying yes to everything (20-something girls in my hostel ask if I want to join them on a hike up Arthur’s Seat? Yes! A girl in Berlin asks if I want to fly to Venice the next day for 30€? Yes! A friend back home asks if I want to crash on the couch of someone they know in London? Yes!) I learned a lot that year — not just about myself but about other cultures and people and art etc etc. Not to mention, I also met my husband in a cafe in Paris because I asked him for a light and sat down at his table. Back home, I probably never would have done that (I would have just sat at my own table and read my phone or something)

      I guess my advice is just that it’s not too late to really think about what you want and how you can get it. For a long time I thought I was too old to go travelling alone and staying in hostels, or too old to get married, or too old to go back to school (all of which I did). I thought all that was for college students, but you can do anything you want! You sometimes just have to take a year to figure out what that is and get out of your comfort zone (your comfort zone will always be there for you to go back to after all)

    7. ..Kat..*

      Two pieces of advice.

      Save as much as you can for retirement. You are very young. So the compounding on interest and dividends will be wonderful for the worth of your savings by the time you are ready to retire.

      Get a passport (and passport card if you are in the USA) and travel. If you have no one to travel with, check out the many travel blogs written by single women who travel alone.

    8. Justin*

      Add new skills and see new places (and save, as mentioned). We got scuba certified. My wife has long done yoga but I tried it myself.

      Honestly I met my wife by seeking new skills and development. People striving for the same goal sometimes get along really well.

      But do it for its own sake.

    10. Persimmons*

      Take excellent care of your skin and never slack on SPF for face, neck, and hands. Get more serious about eating lots of veggies and fruits. Retain or improve your flexibility with the proper exercises.

      35 is when I stopped “bouncing back” from treating my body poorly.

    11. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      Travel, do the stuff that seems fun but you couldn’t afford in your 20s, establish good exercise and eating habits, see someone about any lingering mental health problems. Find a new job if you hate the one you’ve had since finishing college.

      Fwiw I was single (very single, nobody was interested in me at all) from age 18 to just a few weeks shy of my 30th birthday, when I met my husband. I decided to take a leap and go overseas to do a PhD which didn’t result in the path I expected but did change my life completely and for the better.

      My brother in law has just turned 35 and he doesn’t take any of this advice. He hates the company he works for and has thrown himself into work for very little personal benefit (he makes a decent salary but it’s not spectacular) and at the expense of pursuing relationships, friendships, and most hobbies. I’m afraid that he has convinced himself that he is unworthy and his life is over. He is extremely hard on himself and won’t take risks like applying for new jobs.

      (On the other hand I know a 35 year old English guy who is single… ;-))

  42. Annie Moose*

    I’m volunteering at an adoption event for my local shelter today. I do this most weekends, but today is a MAJOR event because we are wildly overloaded with cats (60+, while we usually have less than 20!!). So hopefully we’ll have lots and lots of adoptions!

    I’ve been volunteering at the shelter for about six months now and I’m so glad I’m doing it. Not only did it get me my cat buddy Guinness, but it’s incredibly uplifting to see animals get to go home with someone. Plus, I pet so many cute cats and dogs!!

    1. Middle School Teacher*

      Fun! I’m babysitting my friend’s dogs today. I love my dog, but he’s old and sleeps a lot, and miss puppy time :)

    2. Daphne*

      I’ll take ALL the cats. Wish I lived near a shelter to help out. Seriously missing a four legged companion or two.

  43. Handy Nickname*

    I am going to a cabin with my family next week (I am an adult kid in the family) and looking for a fun activities to bring. I was thinking some kind of lawn game like bean bag toss? Age range is early teens to mid-20s, plus my parents.

    Due to work I’ll be joining everyone a few days into the trip, but I’d also welcome any suggestions for surviving a week in a semi-remote cabin with your family. I love them! I’m just not a hang-out and do nothing for a week type and I can get irritable after a while

    2. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Walks. Long walks help. If you like podcasts or audiobooks, take them on your walks. We went on a week-long beach vacation last year with my partner’s family, and I’m still surprised I made it through without getting bored. I also enjoyed watching the kids play on the beach more than I expected. Oh, and there were cocktails.

    5. Natalie*

      Bocce ball is fun if you have the space for it. It also scales to different size groups well.

      Take plenty of time for yourself. Read with headphones on, take walks, cook or clean up alone. Don’t be embarrassed to say you want some time alone if needed.

    6. NotaPirate*

      Ladder golf (PVC pipe “ladder” golf balls connected by rope you have to throw onto it)
      Corn hole (bean bag toss at slanted wooden boxes)
      Bocce Ball (everyone throws balls trying to get the closet to the target ball)
      Spikeball/Trampoline Ball toss (target or catch, some competitive variations)
      Frisbees
      Soccer ball (keep away, makeshift goals)
      Squirt guns

      Board Games:
      Apples To Apples is good for that age range
      Exploding Kittens (its so hilarious)
      Cards against humanity was one we played in hs/college but its not appropriate for playing with your parents or younger kids, its basically a dirty version of apples to apples
      Jenga
      Jigsaw puzzles are great too, you can work on one while waiting on people to get ready and its a easy activity for several people to pick up and put down
      Games like monopoly are starting to have card versions, where you don’t need pieces and a board
      Uno

      What about a crafty activity like macrame or friendship bracelets? In High school my sister and I used to make those every family trip.

    7. Ranon*

      Maybe some cooking projects? Grilled pizza is fun because lots of people can help with assembly.

      A big puzzle that people can work bits and pieces of if there’s the table space for it.

    8. Pharmgirl*

      I’m going to a cabin with my friends in the fall, and we’re looking into mymysteryparty[dot]com. They have mysteries for different ages & group sizes, and it honestly looks like a lot of fun! It takes up a couples hours (there’s 3 rounds to the game), so it might be something to take up an evening?

    10. Loves Libraries*

      Books and magazines. I also take a jigsaw puzzle that I usually leave in the cabin. Our family has a well-loved set of Harry Potter Uno cards.

  44. travel group recs?*

    Any international travel tour group recommendations? I’ve travelled solo before, but I’d really like to go with people this time and have someone else do the planning and deal with accommodations for once. No one in my life is interested. I’m 32 and US based, so I’m looking for a group that caters to people (and women) around my age. Room sharing is fine, so I’d prefer recommendations for tour groups that don’t charge you a huge single supplement just because you’re booking solo and need to share a room with a stranger.

    I haven’t figured out a location yet, but I’ve been considering a Central Europe or a Spain/Portugal/Morocco trip.

    1. Rookie Biz Chick*

      REI! I’ve been seeing a lot more women-focused trips pop up in their emails. But, even co-ed, I think RRI’s version of catered trips would be light years more fun than some of the over-scheduled touristy ones I’ve read about. Hope you have fun traveling (and planning!)!

    2. Hellanon*

      Andante, which is an English travel company specializing in guided tours of historic sites – friends did Pompeii and Herculaneum with them, and really enjoyed it. Also Butterfield & Robinson, which does guided biking/walking tours for smallish groups. Their Sicily walking tour is a goal of mine…

    3. Dan*

      On the whole, I think the 30-50 “single traveler” market is under-served. I also don’t know how much demand is really there. I find that I’m either the youngest or oldest on a trip — cheap trips are all the young backpacker/student/young adult type, and expensive trips are for old people with money whose kids are out of the house. It makes complete sense that there aren’t many options in the 30-50 range — people that age are likely the most immobile as they are settling down, buying houses, having kids, etc. It’s just that it makes finding a tour group a little difficult.

      1. travel group recs?*

        I think there’s more demand than people think (but then, I think the 30-50 market is under-served in a lot of ways, not only travel). I’ve been searching online for awhile and there are a lot of people – mostly women – in this age range who are looking for tour groups. I think solo travel is nice, but it’s not for everyone, and it seems a little crazy to me that tours focus on college kids, families, or retirees. You’d think they’d realize there are a lot of 30-50 somethings who have the money and no houses/kids/marriages making them immobile.

    4. Travel*

      I’m a big fan of Intrepid. I’ve done their tours both as a singleton and a couple, and usually find the group is split pretty evenly between singles and couples. Tends to have people across ages (but probably mostly in the 30-59 range). There is a single supplement but it’s not high, at least not when I last paid it. I went to Morocco on an Intrepid trip earlier this year and just loved it. Currently planning another Intrepid trip for next year, hopefully with some friends we met in a different Intrepid trip a few years back (it’s addictive!)

      2. travel group recs?*

        Which Morocco trip, if you don’t mind me asking? Morocco is one of the places I’d love to visit, but it a place I’d prefer a tour group just so they can organize everything (Asia is the other big destination where I’d prefer to have someone else organize it).

        Central Europe (Prague, Vienna, Budapest) has been on my list for years, but Morocco keeps creeping up there.

      3. DCR*

        +1. I like Intrepid and G adventures. The group is normally a mix of people between 25 and 55, and always has at least a few women traveling alone. They offer very similar tours, so I suggest checking out both for the beast deal and dates for you.

  45. Anono-me*

    House guest rant..

    Yet another house guest informed me that they had slept on top of the bed covered with the spare blanket rather than sleeping between the sheets because they wanted to spare me the work of washing the sheets.

    Personally I think schlepping a ginormous comforter to the dry cleaner, shelling out 25 bucks (that I had to work for), schlepping it home, and washing the blanket is way more work than washing sheets.

    If you want to be a good house guest in my house:
    Tell me about any health concerns or allergies before you get to my house.
    Use a coaster.
    Rinse and put your dirty dishes in the sink.
    Don’t leave your wet towels on the floor.
    Keep the volume at a reasonable level on the TV and personal electronics etc.
    Wipe out the bathroom sink.
    Sleep in the @#$$% sheets! (You don’t even have to strip the bed after. I won’t tattle to Miss Manners.)
    Thank you.

    1. WellRed*

      How bizarre! I have never heard of such a thing. As they are leaving you should walk them out, carrying comforter and bundle it in your car for cleaning. If course, that might be passive aggressive and rude ; l

    2. KayEss*

      Maybe I’m a bad person, but I probably wouldn’t bother washing the comforter after that. Unless I knew they slept naked or had terrible hygiene or something? If you’re gonna lifehack my bedclothes that way, you forfeit any expectation that what you’re lying on is freshly laundered.

        1. Ciara Amberlie*

          Ah, well that’s your choice to make. But I wouldn’t blame the guests, they wouldn’t be expecting you to wash the comforter.

    3. Queenie*

      That’s ridiculous! How is laying on the comforter instead of the sheets preventing them from leaving behind dead skin cells, sweat, body oil, etc. that needs to be washed away? Maybe you should start leaving a note to use the sheets since this is becoming a pattern. ):

      I had one guest who laid and sat on the guest bed with their shoes on and got dirt on the big, fluffy, light-colored comforter. I haven’t washed it yet since it doesn’t fit in my washing machine and I haven’t had time to find a laundromat with an extra large washing machine. (Or do all ginormous comforters need to go to a dry cleaner? This is the first one I’ve owned and I’m regretting it.)

      I’ve noticed that any house guests that aren’t my siblings or parents seem to end up leaving unnecessary damage or dirtiness behind. I’m very careful when I’m a guest in someone else’s home so I don’t understand it.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Nah, unless it’s a very expensive comforter or some kind of fussy material, you can wash it at the laundromat. I do that every so often with mine even though it has some embroidering on it.

        And yeah, someone sleeping on top of the comforter to spare you washing the sheets is…bizarre.

    4. Fiennes*

      Why…why do they think you have a guest bed, if they believe guests aren’t supposed to sleep in it?

    5. Jessen*

      I feel like I should warn people now if I ever stay over. I am completely and utterly incapable of keeping a sheet on top of me. I can put it on top of me just fine, but once I fall asleep it will be off of my body within an hour.

    6. Chicago Anon*

      That seems like a reasonable list of rules. Post them in your guest bedroom (minus the @#$$% ).

      1. Anono-me*

        Most guests have been wonderful. (A few of the younger relatives have needed a hint or two. ) A plaque seems overkill for two outliers. However if there is a third time….

    7. fposte*

      Is it possible that there was another reason they didn’t want to sleep in the sheets and they were trying to be tactful?

      Additionally, can you follow the “rumple one guest towel” approach and pull the covers back in an attractive lateral fold so that it’s both inviting and more trouble to sleep on the comforter than amid the sheets?

      1. Anono-me*

        Very high thread count sheets fresh washed the morning of their arrival using Hypoallergenic Tide and rinsed twice.
        The comforter is fancy and scratchy.

      2. Anono-me*

        Thank you. The fold back idea seems ridiculous, but probably necessary for the guest 2. (I don’t expect guest 1 to be travelling this way anytime soon.)

    8. Not So NewReader*

      Did you tell them? Maybe you can tell them before they come to visit again. I’d be tempted to get those dry cleaner sheets and use one of the big dryers at the laundry mat.

      I have had a couple people do that here. My poor comforter has taken a beating over the years with babies, dogs, cats, and food stains. Fortunately it’s machine washable and it fits in my home machine. Guest room stuff seems to need to be able to withstand rough use. I’d love to make a crazy quilt for the room, but I don’t think the quilt will be able to hack it.

      OTH, there are a few people I have never invited back. It seems when there is messiness there are other problems also.

    9. Eve*

      Can you get a comforter cover and just wash that? Or just have a few extra blankets and not a comforter?

      1. Bluebell*

        I was going to suggest getting a duvet cover for the comforter. Much easier to wash if you need to and not horribly expensive.

    10. Courageous cat*

      Just tell ’em! I think some of these are a bit much to ask of a houseguest (they should be implied, of course, but perhaps not asked) but casually telling them to sleep underneath and *why* should go over very easily.

    11. blackcat*

      We had houseguests who
      1) *Told* us when they were staying with us. They were not invited. My husband lacks a spine and did not know how to tell them no.
      2) Broke the blinds in the guest room (I have no idea how!) and left them on the floor
      3) Had the nerve to ask to stay again, while I was 9 months pregnant (husband realized that it was time to say no).

      Our houseguests have been of varying quality. The catch is we live in a highly transit-accessible suburb of a major city that people like to visit. Because the cost of living here is so high, guest bedrooms are few and far between in our age group (late 20s/early 30s). So folks ask us when they really want a free hotel, not a guest room. Some people have been truly good guests (clean up after themselves, take us to dinner or cook a meal as a thank you), but it was just too much work.

      My ultimate solution? Instead of making the home office into the baby’s room (per the original plan), I made the guest room into the baby’s room. No more guest room! No more house guests!

    12. Someone else*

      I’ve gathered from reading the other comments I may be an outlier but…your sheets vs comforter issue seems unreasonable to me. If I had guests, I would not expect them to announce to me whether they slept in vs on the bed or some mixture of both. So after they left I’d be stripping the bed entirely and laundering both sheets and comforter regardless. So what they said to you would not have made a difference in terms of my actions after they left. I do think it’s weird of them to do and think they’re saving the host any effort or expense, but not because it would’ve created extra.

      If you don’t like having a dry-clean only comforter though, I recommend instead of shelling out for the cleaning when you have people stay, replacing it with something machine washable for future visitors. I actually just did away with all comforters in my house for lighter, machine washable and better for my allergies bedding.

      I also get that you’re venting here, but most people “had to work for” all their money. The independently wealthy are a tiny minority, so unless your vexing houseguests are independently wealthy, I don’t really understand your “that I had to work for” remark.

      1. only acting normal*

        The “had to work for [the $25]” refers back to the guest saying they were “saving” Anono-me “work” by not using the sheets (when they really just shifted the work elsewhere). Not a value statement on earning vs inheriting money.

  46. Great and awesome*

    Am I bad for wanting to make cookies because I love baking but wanting others to eat them because they’re very fattening? I bring some to work in the hope of getting rid of them so that they’re not a temptation at home because I’ve been struggling to lose weight. Is it selfish of me?

    2. Fiennes*

      I bake about once a month, enjoy whatever it is that night, and the next day, offer the rest to neighbors. And I go to different neighbors each time, so nobody gets hit more than once a quarter. Because the treats are occasional, they’re always welcomed, and I’ve earned a lot of goodwill that comes in handy when I’m on the road & need someone to keep an eye on the house, etc.

    3. WellRed*

      I’ll be honest, we have a baker like this at the office. If it’s occasional, OK. But when it’s constant, it’s annoying.

      1. Great and awesome*

        It’s not constant, I just want to try a new recipe sometimes, like once every two weeks months!

    4. Overeducated*

      As long as you don’t then make comments to other people indicating you’re judging them for eating them in some way, that’s fine. Cookies are not inherently bad, people who have room for them in their diets may appreciate them very much – I love when coworkers bring in homemade treats!

      1. Great and awesome*

        Oh no, I’m not judging anyone, I’m just helpless when there’s delicious, high calorie food in front of me and I always end up eating more than I should. So I prefer not to have any temptation in front of me. But I love baking. I recently tried making baklava and it’s awesome but I can only make it in big quantities at a time and there’s no way I can eat all of it.

    5. Book Badger*

      I do the same thing. You’re sharing cookies with lots of people who will appreciate them instead of hoarding them all for yourself – that’s the opposite of selfish!

    6. neverjaunty*

      “Should I give my co-workers free baked goods?” is the opposite of selfish, unless your co-workers have diet restrictions / have told you to please not do that.

    7. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

      I do that too…
      I bake once a month for events. Otherwise, I bake healthy versions using pumpkin, bananas, fruit into a cobbler type thing.

    8. Junior Dev*

      Another option to consider: look into bringing them to an organization that serves homeless people, or to a hospital for the ER staff (who work long hours and often don’t get a chance to eat very well). Call the organization first to see if they have any requirements in terms of how the food is prepared, etc. I volunteer at a homeless teens program and we get cooked food donations pretty often.

      2. ..Kat..*

        Hospitals, fire departments, police departments in the USA have become leery of accepting such treats from people in the community.

    9. Red Reader*

      Nope. I love to bake all the things and hate having all the baked goods around. I send them by the boatload with my husband to his game nights.

    10. Chaordic One*

      Is it selfish of me?

      No. Definitely not. Indeed, you truly are “Great and awesome”!

    11. ValaMalDoran*

      This doesn’t directly answer your question, but are you familiar with the Chocolate Covered Katie blog? She posts recipes for healthy (or at least healthier) versions of desserts. I discovered it after realizing I’m not ever going to give up sweets completely, so I need a healthier way to satisfy my sweet tooth.

      The one I’ve made the most is her Deep Dish Cookie pie. https://chocolatecoveredkatie.com/2011/05/31/deep-dish-cookie-pie/

      It’s made of white beans, and people never believe it when they taste it. I use Great Northern Beans from Aldi. And I also suggest baking it in cupcake/muffin form, for convenient serving single serving and easier portability. Oh, and I don’t have a food processor big enough to fit the whole recipe in, so I just put the beans through the food processor, and mix them with everything else in a mixing bowl.

      Hmm. Now I need to make cookie pie.

      1. Thursday Next*

        That looks seriously amazing! Gluten and egg-free—I’m going to make it for my daughter’s birthday party.

      2. Great and awesome*

        Thank you. I don’t think those desserts will help me with my weight loss efforts though – they still have a lot of sugar and looking at the ingredients it looks like there’s a lot of calories in them. Still a great idea for more desserts!

  47. Weekend anon*

    I posted a week or so ago about “how to figure out my life” and someone recxomended The Happiness Project. I just finished the book and… I really didn’t like it? Thank you to whoever suggested it, but it really wasn’t for me. Some of her ideas were interesting, but I couldn’t get past that a lot of her advice was “spend time and money” and it was clearly very easy for her to try new things. Also, the chapter on her marriage was instructions on basically “shutting up” when she was frustrated with her husband instead of snapping. How about meeting in the middle and saying “dude, I need you to step it up?”

    Did anyone else have the same reaction to this book? Or have suggestions for similar books with a different kind of writer?

    1. Overeducated*

      I found the book fluffy but interesting in terms of the overall messages, like the consideration of whether focusing on one’s own happiness is even a moral goal (not the same answer I would come up with but at least she thought about it). But I also thought most of her personal “experiment” was much easier and less interesting given that it was her full time job and she had enormous flexibility compared to most people. At least she was self aware on that count, though.

    2. Undine*

      Yeah, at the end she says something like, “My husband said he thought all of this was about my wanting more control”, and I thought, “Listen to your husband”

      Books I prefer:
      “How we choose to be happy”, which is by two guys who actually went out and found happy people and interviewed them.
      Positivity, by Barbara Fredrickson which has a lot of the same techniques as the Happiness Project, but is by an actual happiness researcher.
      Rick Hanson, who writes about the neurology of happiness.

    3. SciDiver*

      Might not be the tone you’re looking for, but I really enjoyed the overall take-away I got from The Desire Map by Danielle LaPorte. Her point is that we set goals for ourselves hoping that achieving them will make us feel a certain way, which leads a lot of people to feel disappointed or like something is missing when they reach a goal and don’t feel the way they hoped. Instead, we can think about how we want to feel in our lives (passionate, creative, adventurous, curious, etc.) and seek out choices that make us feel that way. It’s a bit earthy-crunchy/not everyone’s cup of tea, but there are preview pages you can read for free to see if it’s closer to what you’re looking for.

  48. AvonLady Barksdale*

    Kind of fitting, considering Alison’s book rec, but I slept until almost 8:30 today! This is kind of amazing. After sleep apnea was ruled out for me, my therapist and I started focusing on my anxiety as the cause of my disordered sleeping. I’m having very gradual success with meditation and sleep stories, but I’m still very restless and I wake up in the middle of the night. One of the things she asked me to do was try just sleeping as late as I could one morning… so I did. And I feel really good, and the world didn’t fall apart because I wasn’t up by 7. It wasn’t the greatest night of sleep I’ve ever had, but those extra morning hours were so great.

    1. ..Kat..*

      I read somewhere that people in the olden days broke their sleep up into two parts. They would sleep several hours (say, four hours). Get up, socialize, snack, read, etc (in a non-stimulating manner) for an hour or so, and then go back to sleep (say, for another four hours). Sometimes, this works for me – depends on my schedule. I am lucky that I work 12 hour shifts, so that I work three days a week. One of the pluses of being a nurse on a hospital unit =)

      Hope sleeping gets better for you. Not getting enough sleep can make life miserable.

    2. Owler*

      When I was recovering from various health issues, including fatigue from anemia, my husband and I joked that 7-9am sleep was worth double of any other sleep times. I don’t know why, but I felt more refreshed if I could sleep in those hours.

      Best of luck continuing to figure out how to get worthy sleep.

  49. MechanicalPencil*

    I’m at a point in my life where I’m moving away from post-college chic to something that’s actually a curation of my style…except I’m struggling.

    I don’t like furniture being super matchy with everything all being identical, so the idea of just going to a store and “buying the room” doesn’t appeal. However, I don’t really feel confident in mixing pieces. Aside from looking at Pinterest and replicating, is there an affordable way to refurbish my place?

    If it helps any, I like things that are sort of mid century and vintage but also some more contemporary lines — welcome to my confusion.

    1. Fiennes*

      I’d recommend spending some time on Apartment Therapy; they offer a lot of advice on decorating smaller spaces on a budget. Through some DIY, thrifting, patience, and a couple of splurges on quality pieces you really love, you can find your own look. And it’s just so much FUN.

    2. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Honestly? I bought pieces very gradually and just bought what I liked. I have a style that’s kind of similar to yours, I think. So I found a bookcase at West Elm that I saved up for, then a console table at Pier 1 several months later, found a coffee table by chance, that kind of thing. You don’t need to have everything right away, and it’s perfectly ok to have placeholders (for YEARS I had a very basic Ikea coffee table that I got from an ex-bf). Trying to get everything done at once may result in you buying pieces you’re not 100% thrilled with.

      Start with the basics: you need a sofa, a table or two, a bookcase, for example. Pick a shade of wood you like (or several; most of my pieces are very dark wood, but I have one piece that’s more cherry, and they don’t look out of place near each other). Pick a few colors you like. Don’t strive for matching (which you don’t like anyway!), and just think of things that might complement each other.

      1. Nicole76*

        I love my super basic IKEA $25 coffee table. I’ve mixed pieces as well in shades of espresso, black, and grey and they look good to me. I’m not sure I care what anyone else thinks though. :D

    3. Ranon*

      It’s okay to go slow! If you slowly accumulate pieces that are to your taste, it’s likely they’ll work together okay since they’ll be consistent to your taste even if they aren’t matchey-matchey. Picking an accent color and carrying it through some accessories (rug, a few pillows, maybe a blanket or vase or sculpture or something) can also help tie things together.

    4. Penguin*

      Frequent thrift stores! Find furniture pieces that you like, and take them home. Let your style develop based on what you like having around you, rather than trying to fit things to a preconceived notion of the kind of things you think you should like.
      Remember that “soft furnishings” (curtains, tablecloths, throw pillows, those funny placemat/doily things on top of end tables) can have a huge impact on the aesthetic tone of a room, and can tie surprisingly disparate items together into a single theme.
      Check out library books with pictures of rooms (interior decorating type books) if you need more ideas of things that you do/don’t like. Trust yourself! If you like it, if you think you’ll like it next to whatever furniture is already there, give it a whirl!
      Take photos of your room(s), print them out large (like 11×17 inch tabloid size paper if you can) and bring that with you when you go shopping; use the photos to help you visualize how a piece of furniture might look next to existing ones.

    5. foolofgrace*

      For a laugh — and examples of how NOT to decorate — see my reply for a link. I don’t know the rules on links in this blog so it might get moderated out, but you can search for Lileks Interior Desecrations. I find his site very amusing. YMMV.

    6. Thursday Next*

      I like sites like Chairish—you can look at used pieces from antique to contemporary, so there’s a range.

      I scored an amazing midcentury Drexel dresser for $85. When I saw it, I knew I wanted it, and then I just added around it. I’m not a matchy-matchy person either; I kept the bedroom roughly in the same wood tones with different styles.

      And I wound up reading lots of blogs and refinishing a range of furniture myself, mostly IKEA stuff I couldn’t afford to replace, but just felt too cookie cutter.

      Etsy has a lot of antique and refinished furniture as well.

    7. Whatsinaname*

      I’m like you, I hate matching stuff. I decided to stick to white furniture but no particular style, and I change color schemes by changing pillows, drapes and accessories whenever I feel like it. That’s what really pulls the different pieces together.

    8. ..Kat..*

      Don’t feel that you have to fill your home all at once! Then, when you see something you like, you have room to add it to your home. I also like thrift stores – Goodwill and St Vincent’s are good ones in the USA. And, if it ends up not working, you didn’t spend a lot of money! Friends who are getting married and moving in together (and therefore looking to get rid of stuff cheaply) have also been good for me.

    9. Jillociraptor*

      Have you considered any services like Modsy? You work with a designer digitally and they help you identify a general style for the room, and direct you to specific pieces within your price range, but I don’t think you’re required to buy any of the pieces. The fees are pretty reasonable. Modsy has packages that are $60/room to work with a team of designers and $150/room to work with a dedicated person. It might be helpful for identifying your style and getting some ideas of patterns and textures that go well together.

    10. MechanicalPencil*

      Whew, this weekend got away from me. Thanks everyone for your comments. I have been going through different places and looking for selective pieces of furniture, so I’m glad that I’m on the right track there.

      A few weeks ago, I did find a gorgeous pecan wood dining room set that just needs the vintage orange velour chairs recovered once I find fabric I like. Whew those are stunning. The table itself just needs a mineral oil rubdown and maybe some slight touchups. Slight progress has been made, but I digress. I’m currently looking for either a bed frame or a tv stand. It’s a challenge trying to take what’s in my head and make it a real life thing — at work I can just hit undo and be done. Furniture is harder.

  50. DryRoasted*

    Long time reader but I don’t post much. I just wanted to say THANK YOU to whoever recommended UnF**k Your Habitat. I read it about it in an open thread here once and bought the book for my kindle. I never read it. I had a serious depressive episode last year and my house has pretty much been a wreck since. I started reading the book and I love it and I have hope that I can start digging out of this mess. Thanks again!

    2. Anon 4 This*

      I had a similar issue – a disaster of a house post-depressive episode. I tried really hard to climb out of the mess, but depression and messiness can be a self-reinforcing concept. I found someone on Task Rabbit to help me clean my whole house top to bottom, and then worked on building better habits from there (they did most of the work, honestly). It made it much easier to build better habits when I was starting from clean than from disaster.

      1. Kate Daniels*

        This is a fantastic idea! I have done some major decluttering in the past couple of months because I realized that having so much stuff was contributing to my anxiety and depression and feel much better with less. I know the next step is to give my whole place a deep clean from top to bottom, but I feel overwhelmed when I think about doing this even though it is just a studio apartment. I’m going to look into hiring a cleaner and then I think I should be able to handle the upkeep on my own, especially now that I don’t have that many things anymore.

      2. Teach*

        I wish Task Rabbit was in my city, because helping people un-F their homes would be my dream side gig!

        1. DryRoasted*

          I have a cleaner who comes every two weeks and he has beeen able to continue to clean the main living areas and the kids rooms. It is mostly my room and bathroom that have been a total disaster. I got sick last weekend and I realized how much I hated lying in my dirty bedroom and I read the book this week and got started. I have always suffered from some crazy thinking that if I can’t get everything perfectly clean, why do it? And then I never start. The book addresses this so well by giving mini challenges which helped me start and feel some satisfaction that I had done something!

  51. Tee*

    I have an etiquette question! I’m going to a family get-together, alone, with family I haven’t seen in 10 years. We sort of became estranged for reasons I’m not sure about that probably stem from my mother. Anyhoo… This party is a surprise retirement/birthday and the invitation said “no gifts,” but should I bring them something? I’m not very good when it comes to “adulting” in terms of giving gifts to hosts/hostesses (I always forget/don’t think about it). If I should bring something, what should it be? If I don’t bring anything, will it be rude? I’m not really sure what type of party it is like if there will be a bbq or other food, so I’m uncertain.

    1. Fiennes*

      If your family members drink, it’s hard to go wrong with a nice bottle of wine. Depending on who is hosting and where, flowers are also often a safe option.

      1. WellRed*

        If you bring flowers, bring a vase so as not to burden a hostess who may not have one handy.

        1. Traffic_Spiral*

          I wouldn’t – this would be seen as an insult where I’m from. “Here’s flowers – and a vase, because I’m sure your house sucks so bad that you don’t have either a vase or even a spare glass or pitcher. I have also brought my own toilet paper because I assume you don’t have that either.”

          Unless you’re bringing them to a college kid’s house-warming party, don’t imply they don’t have the basics in their house.

          1. Observer*

            Which is one of the reasons why flowers are actually not such a safe option if you don’t know people so well.

    2. Anono-me*

      Normally since the invitation actually requests no gifts, I would just bring a card. However, since this is a unique situation, I would actually tuck a gift card in my pocket for a nice local attraction or activity. That way you are covered if this side of the family has some sort of weird unwritten rule that you ignore the no gifts request.

      For Hostess/Host gifts, my defaults is a nice set of tea towels or kitchen hand towels. They never go bad or break . Everybody can use them. I’m not getting off on the wrong foot with someone who doesn’t drink alcohol or is allergic to certain flowers. I stock up on them when they’re on sale. Then I keep one set in my car along with a little bit of ribbon and a small card. I have the towel, if I need it for any kind of gift or if I spill something.

    3. Someone else*

      If it explicitly says no gifts, do not bring anything that could be construed as a gift.

      2. Red Reader*

        This. If they said no gifts, it seems to follow pretty definitely that you don’t need to bring gifts.

    4. A username for this site*

      A bouquet of balloons can be cheaply obtained at a dollar or party supply store, and it can be put in the corner like a decoration instead of a gift. I also second flowers, they’re cheap so they’re not a gift per se, and you can set them out as a party decoration.

    5. Ann O.*

      When I say no gifts on an invite, I genuinely really truly mean it. People often bring something anyway, and while I do appreciate the thought, I would really rather they didn’t. I don’t want to deal with thank you cards, and my family has a lot of stuff.

      1. Reba*

        That’s why I like doing food or beverage for a gathering like this. It’s a gift that goes away.

  52. Quaggaquagga*

    I need some help to reclaim my attention span. About two months ago I went through an incredibly stressful period, which could possibly be considered traumatic. During this time I didn’t want to do anything or watch anything and clicking around the internet and social media was really the only thing that was soothing and manageable. Things are much better now, but my attention span feels absolutely shot. I did a bit of freelance work a few weeks ago and it was a miserable experience because I just couldn’t get myself to do anything until the deadline was upon me. I can’t even muster up the desire to sit through an hour of television or an entire movie. Has anyone else experienced this? How did you get your brain back? Should I put myself on an internet diet?

    1. NotaPirate*

      How do you feel about painting or working with clay or making a beaded bracelet? Pick something tangible where there’s a clear finished product to aim for, but also something more physical and less mental. The other important thing is something where it does not matter if you actually finish so you can’t beat yourself up. Start training your brain to focus again for longer and longer periods of time.

      Another one, make your procrastinating useful. If you can do things right when the deadline hits, try and add another deadline that doesn’t matter. I’ll focus on needing to get laundry done like ASAP, and then I tend to procrastinate the laundry by actually writing the report I need for school. It’s a lot easier for me to do Report vs Laundry than Report vs Bike Ride/cooking/other fun.

      1. TheLiz*

        WTH, website? That was for Controversial Opinion Corner.

        I did something similar while writing up my doctoral thesis. I just stopped outright the worst timesuck (Candy Crush) and have been trying to pick an activity that actually makes me happy (painting or video games or playing the violin) and pushing myself to do that for a while. I don’t know if it’s working, but I do think I’m better than I was.

    3. Thlayli*

      Ok this may not apply to you … but something similar happened to me. I went through a very upsetting time and had no ability to concentrate afterwards (complete with all I wanted to do beinf intwrnet / Netflix). It turned out I had depression.

      This is one symptom of depression. But by itself it’s not enough to diagnose depression (as in, you can have this but not have depression). However if you have any other symptoms too, you may have depression. I would suggest googling symptoms of depression and seeing if you have any more before ruling it out.

  53. NotaPirate*

    I spent from 5am-7am trying to stop a low battery smoke alarm. I’m in an apartment and the unit is hard wired to the wall about 12 feet up. It was an adventure. Finally managed it, after building a furniture tower to get to the darn thing. Then it keeps beeping without its battery in. Thank goodness for 24hr CVS within walking distance! Passed some flight attendants going to work at that hour which made me laugh. New thing for the new apartment list, where are the smoke alarms, what type of batteries do they require and make sure i have a ladder to reach!

    Anyone else have fire alarm misadventures?

    1. WellRed*

      I live in a large first floor apartment with detectors throughout. For several days I couldn’t tell if the one at the front of the house was beeping or the one at the back
      Neither. It was 2 in the basement.

    2. all aboard the anon train*

      My current apartment has the smoke alarm right over the gas stove. So I have to remove it and place it on a bookcase across the apartment whenever I want to cook, and sometimes even take the battery out because my one bed apartment is small enough that even steam from a pot will make it go off.

      My last apartment had a fire alarm so high up that I had to build a furniture tower that wobbled whenever I needed to reach the alarm. It was not great.

    3. Middle School Teacher*

      I stayed in a cheap hotel in Germany and the smoke detector in the hall beeped. All. Night. That was a sleep from hell.

      My smoke detector in my house beeped like crazy at 5 one morning (why always at 5??) and announced loudly that the battery was low (it uses words, English and French). I replaced the battery; no bueno. Turned out the whole unit was expired and I had to buy a whole new smoke detector. I didn’t know they expire!! Now I know. (They’re good for ten years, I guess.)

      1. NotaPirate*

        Oh my goodness! It has words?! That’s insane. Whyyyy is it always middle of the night or early morn? I feel like I would definitely heard this going off during the day, so its not that I missed it.

        I’m amazed we don’t have smoke detectors that last longer by now.

        1. Middle School Teacher*

          Oh yes. If I set it off, it goes “beep beep beep! Fire! Feu!” Over and over until I clear the smoke and press the false alarm button.

          1. Toads, Beetles, Bats*

            OMG. For the rest of my life, every time I hear a smoke alarm beep I’m also going to hear “Fire! Feu!” There is also a joke in here about the Plains of Abraham and American memory, but I’m not feeling nerdy enough tonight to make it.

    4. Penguin*

      In grad school I rented a room in a lovely house owned by a delightful older lady with whom I am still friends. The living room had a (gorgeous!) double-height vaulted ceiling. The smoke detector in that room was on the ceiling, so at least 15 feet off the floor. Less than two weeks after I moved in, it malfunctioned. At 2am. By ringing for a couple seconds, then stopping. I had to wake up the owner (who used a hearing aid, so that was challenging) b/c the alarm was going off in a way that… might mean smoke? Eventually, I climbed up into the attic, saw no smoke, we all (she and I and two dogs and two cats) went back to our respective beds. She had to call her contractor/repairman because no one around had a ladder long enough to reach the thing… he said “oh, yeah, that’s how this model indicates the battery needs replacing”
      *facepalm*
      He replaced the battery and made a note to come back to check it in six months. Never had any more trouble with it, but ye gods…

    5. Loopy*

      I had mine go off abruptly and then stop immediately by itself. A minute or two later it did it again. Then nothing. No one was cooking, almost no appliances were on.

      Man, it felt weird looking around my calm quiet house for smoke. Scared the crap out of me. Internet suggested extreme humidity might have been the cause but I’ll never know.

    6. A username for this site*

      I lived in a small, two building apartment complex separated by a driveway. We once had a smoke detector start chirping in a vacant apartment (whose windows were conveniently open, darn dry temperate NorCal) in the next building. Chirp….chirp….chirp…chirp.

      Took days to get resolved.

      1. Reba*

        This happened to us with the apartment above! Absentee landlord, unreachable super. Days and days. We called 311, who sent the fire department (?). they kindly offered to break in the door with an axe, but we felt we had to decline.

    7. Max Kitty*

      Once I was away on a trip, and my husband made what he called “3 Alarm Scallops.”

    8. Ali G*

      In my old condo, anytime I opened the oven set higher than like 325, the smoke alarm went off (the alarm was right in the perfect spot to catch the heat as it wafted out of the oven). Mine was also hardwired, so I started covering it with a shower cap when I was cooking at high temps.
      Also in our new house, our oven has a downdraft vent (so instead of a hood, the fan sucks the air through the floor and it is supposed to be pushed out a duct in the basement). Well, the duct was split and we didn’t know it. We couldn’t understand why every time we used the oven exhaust the fire alarm would go off in the basement…and! all the alarms are hardwired together, but you have to shut off the one that tripped to shut them all off. So there was a lot of scrambling up and down stairs trying to figure out which one tripped.
      Luckily hubs finally fixed the duct!

      1. Gatomon*

        I had this problem in my first apartment, it was mounted right next to the stove. I ended up rigging a fan system to blow the oven vapors out the slider. I wish I’d thought of the shower cap idea!

    9. Gatomon*

      I have two of those in my apartment! The first one started during a weekend afternoon, so I just drove to the store to get new batteries after burying it in pillows.

      The second one started at 3 a.m., and I couldn’t find the spare battery I thought I had bought last time. So I pulled it down, took out the battery and then held down the “test” button until it ran out of residual juice. Then went to the store the next day.

      I have also heard one from inside the apartment dumpster, so I think at least one of my neighbors gave up and threw it away.

    10. ..Kat..*

      When I was an EMT with a fire department, I went on a two AM call for a woman who had broken her arm trying to climb on stuff to change her fire alarm battery! One of the firefighters changed her battery while I immobilized her arm. =)

    11. Woodswoman*

      I used to work for an organization offering overnight field trips for school groups in a national park. The kids and their adult chaperones slept in dormitories that were historically designated buildings. In the middle of the night with about 100 people there, the smoke alarm went off and automatically signaled the fire department. When the fire crew arrived, they determined that the trigger was a spider web inside the alarm. After that, our maintenance team added a periodic check for spider webs to avoid that happening again.

    12. Woodswoman*

      And one more story. My apartment was like yours with very high ceilings. After one time of going through a lot to figure out how to reach the alarm going off for a low-battery warning, I later had a very tall friend use a chair to unscrew it and instead reinstall it on the upper wall below the original spot. Now if it goes off I can actually reach it just by standing on a chair. I told my landlord directly so he wouldn’t make a fuss about my moving it.

  54. Anonymous a lot lately*

    Any advice on making yourself go to a therapist when you know you probably should, but you just….don’t want to open all your emotional cans of worms? (Cans of emotional worms?)

    There’s nothing ultra-dramatic going on, but there has a been a recent major life change that is starting to feel like it was a better idea in theory than what it’s turning out to be in practice and it is bringing up a lot of decades-old emotional/family/childhood issues that have never been properly dealt with. Add that to some general midlife problems and I know that finding a therapist to talk to is a good idea. However, the idea of unpacking everything and working through it, on top of just getting through the day, is so emotionally daunting to even consider that I just find myself going, “Yep, that’s what I need to do. But I don’t wanna.” I just don’t know if I’ve got enough in the tank to deal with starting that process.

    Thoughts? Advice? Is it reasonable to find someone and sit down in the first session and say, “I’m here today, but I’m not sure I’m up to this?”

    1. NotaPirate*

      Thinking you need to go, is usually a sign to go. But I also tend to believe everyone could benefit from therapy. I feel strongly its so much better to go to a paid professional than to dump trauma into your circle of people. I think in the end you get more help out of it too. Not having enough spoons for therapy is a real struggle, but therapy might help you find a few more spoons to keep forever, and that will be so worth it.

      You could ease into it by joining a support group. But that’s not as efficient as just finding a therapist. There’s also several free online support things, I know there’s a website where you can skype a therapist. Maybe consider options like that?

      Also one last advice, find a ice cream shop or a fav store near where you therapist is. Reward yourself for going.

    2. Penguin*

      Yes, it is ABSOLUTELY reasonable to walk in and say “Here’s why I’m here, here’s why I’m not sure if I can do this but I want to try” or “I’m not sure I’m up to this” or “here are my reservations” or anything else similar. The therapist’s job is to help YOU. A good, compassionate therapist is going to work WITH you. If you have challenging emotions around going to therapy, that is TOTALLY something that a therapist can help with, especially since it’s part of you so it is part of working with you. (i.e. “emotions about going to therapy” are not somehow artificially separated from other topics/emotions that come up as part of going through therapy; they’re all your emotions, those are things you can discuss and work on with your therapist, that’s totally ok!)

      It is fine (it is good, it is important!) to tell a therapist in your first session about limitations like this; if you know you only have so many spoons to devote to therapy, they want to know that! You are essentially asking if you can give a therapist a (partial) instruction manual in how you work so that they can best help you. Yes! A thousand times yes! It is so much better/easier to share relevant insights you already have about yourself with someone helping you than to go through trial-and-error to learn said things.

    3. Parenthetically*

      Is it reasonable to find someone and sit down in the first session and say, “I’m here today, but I’m not sure I’m up to this?”

      Absolutely. Any reputable therapist is going to have a LOT of experience with clients/patients saying exactly that sort of thing.

      And here’s yet another vote for “everyone should try therapy; it’s hard but so worth it.”

      All the best for this step if you decide to take it!

    4. Kate S*

      Absolutely. A good therapist will ask thoughtful questions and not push you too much. They’ll let you develop a good working relationship with them and as you feel more comfortable you can discuss more.

      And they’re accustomed to people being nervous at first.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      I had the “I don’t wannas” and it turned out that I was desperate for help in current time. I did not want to review X incident at age 5 when I had stuff going on that needed to be dealt with yesterday.
      Figure out your biggest concerns or hurdles right now. Pick say, 3 of them and focus on them. In the course of working those through, you will unpack enough stuff to deal with those things and perhaps a couple others. So try thinking in terms of “If I could fix or get a handle on these 3 {or whatever number) things I would consider my life improved greatly.”
      I am not sure what your life event is so I will just toss this out: Grief can cause us to have all kinds of emotions. And we can have several strong emotions at the same time. Confusingly, grief can cause us to shut down and feel nothing. So it can play out differently for people. Because of all this moving around with the emotions we can end up wanting to sort out our lives and/or wanting to get on a new track. Grief is very powerful in how it changes us. And grief is not just for funerals, it’s also for divorces, severed relationships, lost jobs, bankruptcies and so on.

    6. ..Kat..*

      Therapy is hard work. And doing the hard work can make life more difficult at first. I tell myself to ‘do it for two months.’ Because I can handle anything for two months. Then, at the two month mark, my life had improved enough that it was easier to continue. Good luck.

    7. Thlayli*

      There are loads of different types of therapy. Person – centred counselling is one method that might suit you. Basically it’s all about letting the client take the lead. If you want to just go in and chat about sports for an hour they will let you do that. They wait for you to feel comfortable enough to broach the topic with them.

    1. Overeducated*

      Good choice :) Mine is still my new bike. Finally all set up for commuting and kid transport!

    3. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      I also love the library! I was there just this morning.

      My other love this week is fresh summer produce. Stopped by the farmers’ market and now my kitchen is stocked with greens, squash, tomatoes, okra, corn, eggplant, cucumbers, and garlic.

    4. Thursday Next*

      Topical CBD oil. It has worked miracles on a couple of areas that had been increasingly painful for months.

      Less pain is a marvelous lifestyle transformation!

        1. Thursday Next*

          That is a good question! I have carpal tunnel and tarsal tunnel issues, but I suspect that the oils won’t penetrate far enough to relieve the nerve, though it could help with the inflammation closer to the surface of the skin. I’ve heard good things about ingested CBD for chronic pain, if you can access that.

          1. ..Kat..*

            Does CBD oil impair you at all? Does it show up on a drug test? If so, for how long?

            1. Thursday Next*

              I don’t know about the drug test. But THC is the ingredient in cannabis that causes a high, and CBD-only products don’t have THC. The topical products aren’t impairing in any way for me—I’ve just used them where I’ve had pain.

  56. Thinking Out Loud*

    I went to a drugstore yesterday and I’m 99.9% sure the checker was trans. (Her nametag included preferred pronouns.) We didn’t make small talk – I just bought my gummy bears (I needed change!) and left. Is there a way I could have said something to indicate that I’m supportive? Purposefully use her preferred pronouns? Or is it better to just leave it?

    1. Fiennes*

      Personally, I’d just leave it. The gender of my checkout person is irrelevant, and it should be. So commenting in some way is basically just you saying, “I know you’re trans!” in a context where it doesn’t matter.

      The only way I’d comment would be on something like a nice pair of earrings, or a manicure or something. I’d say that to any woman checking out, not just transwomen, though I guess a transwoman might also see the comment as a sign of support.

    2. nep*

      Just leave it–that’s my take.
      I have to catch myself sometimes–this desire to show support in such cases can be self-serving. Not saying that’s the case for you…but I think it’s good to ponder, what’s really the aim here?

    3. Blue J*

      Just leave it. Use the correct pronoun if you are speaking and it’s relevant, but don’t go out of your way to do so. Don’t make it a “thing”.

        1. fposte*

          Quote from The Advocate: “But for those of us in the trans world, the term “clocked” is used to reflect that someone transgender has been recognized as trans, usually when that person is trying to blend in with cisgender people, and not intending to be seen as anything other than the gender they present.”

      2. Thinking Out Loud*

        Thanks for the term, Temperance. I did some quick research, and I understand a lot better why she wouldn’t have appreciated me saying something.

      3. Observer*

        I understand why it would be frowned upon, but I’m curious where the word came from?

        1. TheLiz*

          British English has a slang term “to clock” meaning “to recognise”, usually in a behavioural context. Example: “I’d clicked him as a thief the minute he walked in here”. I don’t know if it extends to US English or the etymology of the slang, but that’s why “clocking”.

    6. Thinking Out Loud*

      Thanks for your input, everyone! It sounds like not doing anything out of the ordinary was the right answer, so I’m glad I stuck with that.

    7. LGC*

      I think you were perfectly supportive. You treated her like a normal person and had a regular interaction with her, and didn’t really bring up a part of her that you had no need to mention.

      And I totally sympathize with the impulse to show support! I’m not sure if you’re from the US, but we treat trans people TERRIBLY in this country. (Not as badly as in other countries, but we have a long way to go where our treatment is acceptable.) But, like…unless you needed to mention her gender (like if you needed to talk to someone else about her – in which case, use her suggested pronouns!), then just leaving it is fine, I think.

          1. Still Waters*

            CVS pharmacist in Arizona refused to fill a trans woman’s prescription for hormone therapy and questioned her loudly in front of other customers. CVS failed to respond to her repeated complaints until this week.

      2. Thinking Out Loud*

        Yes, I am in the US, and I think the fact that Americans have been so awful to pretty much everyone lately was why I was wondering whether there was a way to help her to feel supported. But I realize that maybe it’s nice to have totally normal interactions sometimes, too, as the commenter below answered – that maybe that’s a better way to support people most of the time.

    8. Courageous cat*

      Leave it. Even with the best intentions, saying something can be very othering. In my opinion, I imagine the ideal way for a transaction like this to happen is for it to be so normal that you don’t even think twice about it.

  57. Iamanengineer*

    I am trying to do something difficult but necessary today. Correction – I WILL accomplish this today. I can really use some internet kudos and good vibes ☺

    1. nep*

      You’re more than halfway there, just deciding that and owning it.
      Perhaps by the time you read this, already done.
      Good on ya.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Okay, good for you. What is your reward for getting Thing done? This can be anything but it is not the satisfaction of knowing thing is done. a reward is something separate. It can be some ice cream, a good book, calling a good friend, going to bed early, whatever is of high value to you. Come back and tell us how you rewarded yourself.

  58. Sunflower*

    Does anyone have recommendations for how to get all my DVD’s onto a hard drive or cloud? I have a ton of DVD’s( a lot of TV series) but I’m moving and can’t bring them all with me. It would be great if I could get them onto something that is compatible with my Chromecast stick.

    2. Someone else*

      MakeMKV is a great program and is free in beta. If you have a DVD drive in your computer, you can use MakeMKV to rip the DVDs. You may want to use another program to then compress it, otherwise stuff’ll take a ton of space. It probably won’t noticeably affect the quality. But justusing MakeMKV will get the stuff onto your hard drive, whether it’s the built in one or an external, or even a large flash drive. I recommend compressing though because you can take a 6GB DVD and get it down to less than 1 GB. I also recommend having two drives, mirrored if you’re not keeping the original discs so you have a backup.

      1. fposte*

        Is Handbrake still viable? I used to use that a lot.

        I imagine it’s still true that this isn’t a speedy process; it took at least as long as it would to play each disc for me. So make this a long-term project if you have more than a couple.

        1. Anon 4 This*

          The speed will vary based on the power of your computer and disc drive. But, Handbrake is still viable, and works great. It does take a long-ass time though.

          1. fposte*

            I always have little two-cylinder computers. A lot of time and a lot of fan noise :-).

    3. BRR*

      My memory is a little fuzzy but when I looked into this a few years ago I remember it being a pain because the studios try to combat pirating DVDs. I ended up getting a massive thing of disc sleeves for all mine.

    4. foolofgrace*

      I used AVS4YOU. It might have a free intro period then it’s pay, but I paid for my version I think $25 for a lifetime subscription and boy have I gotten my money’s worth. I transferred all of my music and movies onto hard drive, the music in several places one of which is my computer so now I can pipe my music thru my home theater setup. It’s a long tedious process but it soon becomes rote. I’m so glad I did this. Actually I also did my vinyl record collection but that was a different process.

    5. Nacho*

      You can get a 4 Tb hard drive for about $100, which should be enough to hold every tv show, cd, video game, and pretty much anything else you’ll ever own. I bought a 1 Tb drive a while ago, and even that’s way too much for me combined with my 2 Tb computer.

    6. I'm A Little Teapot*

      I used DVDFab to convert, however I’ve run into the problem of getting my dvd player to actually play that format. Perhaps my player isn’t very smart.

    7. Anonymosity*

      I’m still way too chicken to do this. With CDs, I flat refuse, because a bunch are imports and out-of-print soundtracks only available in CD format. If something happened to the digital copy and I’d chucked the physical copy, I may never be able to replace it.

  59. Come On Eileen*

    I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half (we are both 43). He likes to fish and he hosts a sushi party each year a week or two after a big fishing trip. He is a big extrovert, I am not, but I do enjoy small gatherings and some socializing. The party is big and goes into the wee hours of the morning, and there’s also quite a bit of drinking. I’m an alcoholic in recovery (4 years) and a big introvert, so parties that involve alcohol late into the evening aren’t my jam. Last year I stayed about five hours and left at 10:00 PM or so. But I felt guilty, like as the newish girlfriend I should have stayed up and hung out. (I should mention that my BF has a friend he considers one of his best friends, he only sees her a few times a year, this party is one of those times. She likes to drink and bullshit late into the evening with him, and I know he wants me to get to know her better because she’s a good long-term friend. I WOULD like to get to know her better, but late at night drinking strikes me as one of the worst times to get to know someone). Anyway, is it okay to do what I did last year — show up for several hours, talk and enjoy the party, then head home ? Part of me feels like that is a good and healthy boundary for me as an alcoholic, and I want to learn to trust my instincts and make good decisions for myself. But the other part of me thinks “oh, you should make more of an effort to stick around later, really try to get to know BF’s friends better, let them get to know you, etc.” ant thoughts or words of advice?

    1. Sunflower*

      I know he only sees her a few times a year but can you set up some time to hang with this person at a time besides the party? I agree that regardless of your sobriety, late night and drunk is not a good time to get to know anyone. I drink and I get annoyed talking/dealing with drunk people both when I am drunk and sober lol so I don’t blame you at all for not wanting to hang around. Maybe you guys can grab lunch the day of the party instead?

    2. neverjaunty*

      Your BF is the one who wants you to get to know her better – why can’t he take on the burden of arranging a social event that respects your (very sensible) boundaries? Maybe the three of you could get dinner sometime, or hang out and watch bad TV, or have you all spend time together in the daytime when the party happens.

      1. BugSwallowersAnonymous*

        totally agree! I also think it’s fine to stay for just the first part of the party.

    4. foolofgrace*

      “Anyway, is it okay to do what I did last year — show up for several hours, talk and enjoy the party, then head home?”

      Hell yes! Your sobriety is more important than what other people think of the “new-ish girlfriend”. Personally, I wouldn’t even stay that long, but I know I can’t trust temptation.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Agreed and tell him this is what you will be doing before you do it. You can explain why like you explained here. And you can say that you would love to get to know his friend but in a different setting.

    5. LilySparrow*

      Do you want them to get to know you (the real you)? Or do you want to project an image of what you think they think a “good girlfriend” is supposed to be like?

      Because the real you is a person who can enjoy a 4-5 hour party a lot more than a 10-hour party (and you are not alone!) The real you doesn’t drink and doesn’t want to be around people who have been drinking hard for many hours.

      If your boyfriend wanted a girlfriend who was different from you in those respects, you wouldn’t still be dating for 18 months. And if his friends are good friends, their definition of a “good girlfriend” is someone their friend is happy with.

      Five hours of partying is more than enough time to spend with anybody, IMO. The best way for his friends to get to know you is for you to take good care of yourself and participate in a way that honors your true feelings and needs.

      1. FutureLibrarianNoMore*

        This is fantastic advice, and a reminder I needed today. I know I am not the OP, but I really appreciate this reminder.

        I don’t drink for other reasons, and often get sh*& from people for not doing it. This reminds me to remain strong and ignore people.

    6. Observer*

      Yes. What you did was just fine. You’re not joined at the hip. If he did this kind of thing once a month, you would have a potential relationship issue, but it’s ok if you are not an integral part of EVETY activity he eve does.

      As for his friend, socialize as much as you can for the amount of time you are there. Then suggest to BF that you guys could meet another time.

  60. matcha123*

    Do you guys put off purchases that are wants but not needs, or do you buy the item (if you can afford it and aren’t breaking your budget)?
    My birthday is coming up and I’ve spotted a few things I’d like to buy. Unfortunately, one item I have my eyes on seems to be discontinued by the maker, but is still available on Amazon and other similar sites. I’m wondering if I should wait until closer to my birthday, or just buy it now and hold on to it until my birthday (after opening it to ensure that there are no damages, etc.).

    In general, how do you all approach buying things? I tend to wait literal years for items/until I feel comfortable enough financially to make the purchase. A few months ago I waited a bit too long to snag a discontinued item and ended up paying a little more than I was hoping for that particular model. With that said, I have no idea if the item I’m currently interested in is also popular with other people. The seller I found with the color I like has 5 in stock, but I don’t know how long they’ve had those 5.

    1. Susan K*

      I usually put off purchases. If I see something I want, I put it on a private wishlist on Amazon, and when my birthday or Christmas is coming up, I review my private wishlist and move things I still want to my public wishlist. My family likes to use wishlists for gifts so they don’t have to figure out what to buy. I often find that I no longer want some of the stuff that I added to my private wishlist by the time my birthday or Christmas rolls around.

      If I want something enough, or I don’t want to wait that long, I try to wait until it goes on sale. There are usually sales around holidays (President’s Day, Memorial Day, 4th of July, Black Friday, etc.), so it’s not usually too long to wait. But every so often I just splurge, especially if it’s something inexpensive and/or that’s not likely to go on sale.

    2. Overeducated*

      I put it off, but then my breaking point usually has less to do with having money and more to do with being completely fed up with NOT having it. Like I was going to wait until my husband had a new job and we figured out where we’d be living and commuting to replace my old, heavy bike, but after repair #9 or so in 2-3 months i just got so frustrated I bought a new one. I’d been waiting since October 2016.

      I do think, in the long run, delayed gratification means buying less stuff and appreciating it more. If it’s just a matter of weeks until your birthday, though, I’m not sure the timing makes a difference.

      1. matcha123*

        I also try to practice delayed gratification, but reading through replies, I think I might be delaying longer than most people. I picked up a winter coat the other day as a somewhat impulse purchase, but I’d been eyeing the coat when I first saw it last year! I got it for the equivalent of $49.99, marked down from $139.99.
        I still have a few months until my birthday, it’s not super far off, but close enough that I’m getting excited to make excuses to look at things.

    3. Aphrodite*

      In the case of this particular item I’d suggest getting it now since it is being discontinued. Check it to be sure it’s okay then wrap it up in pretty paper with a nice card to your birthday self and put it in a dark closet. It will bring you such joy to have it then!

      I have a folder on my Bookmarks Bar labeled “Buy.” On it I bookmark the URL of items I believe I want. I also have two sub-folders in there–Stores and Christmas–for speciality places/items. Right now I must have about three dozen items, not including the speciality ones that range from yogurt cultures to art. I also include CraigsList items I like but want to think about. I tend to use this not just as a parking place for items but also as a kind of editing place to weed out items I thought I wanted but came to realize I no longer do. I often look at the items repeatedly until I can afford them and just enjoy them or get rid of them. It works very well for me.

      1. matcha123*

        I also look at the items repeatedly! Along with reading as many reviews as I can, watching review videos, and if it’s something available at a store, going to the store to physically examine the item.
        There are so many new gadgets I’d love to have, but don’t have the space for. I’ll go into a store, hold the item, walk around with it, and then put it back and leave…repeated multiple times until I actually buy it someday or the item disappears from the shelves forever…

      1. matcha123*

        Oh, I know how that is, and I really hope that you get something good soon!
        While I’ve had a job, a lot of my income has gone to helping family get by and I’ve recently found enough wiggle room to start putting a little bit aside.
        I hope you have some ways to relax since I know not having steady income is stressful af.

    5. Engineer Girl*

      I am like you. I will wait years to purchase some items. That has served me well over all.
      I usually wait unless I have an extremely strong emotional response to an item. Then I’ll buy it immediately.
      The strong response happens rarely. Usually it happens with a clothing item that is almost always sold out after a few weeks of pondering it. So now I buy it right away. BTW, I’m not a big clothing fan so it’s a big deal if I have a response.

      For your example I would buy now due to the probability of it being gone later.

      1. matcha123*

        Thanks! Waiting and not getting into debt is obviously good, but, it sucks so much to get stung with an item pulled early.
        I may just go for it now.

    7. Sylvan*

      I have a folder of bookmarked pages called “wish list.” Everything I want to buy goes there. It keeps me from impulse-shopping, which I really, unfortunately love to do. It’s also handy when my birthday or a holiday comes up.

      1. Queenie*

        I have a “wish list” folder too. Once in a while I go through it and delete anything I’m not interested in anymore, and the rest I’ll check to see if it’s on sale any where (and then buy it if the sale is good).

    8. Not So NewReader*

      I tend to put off purchases too long. Generally because I wait too long I end up being kind of picky about some things. (Well I have waited this long, might as well get the EXACT thing I want, right?) If I know I want a particular model or a certain color once I find it at a decent price then I’d buy it.
      Now birthdays are almost a separate scenario. Sometimes I’d buy the thing two months ahead of my birthday. This is because like you show here, it could get sold out, they might not have the color/model I want later, etc. But then that is it, that is the Birthday Thing and I don’t keep buying more birthday stuff later. And yeah, I start using it right away because why not. I can’t, you know, not tell me that I bought it. This approach shifts where the treat part comes in, the treat part is deciding which item and finding a nice price on it.

    9. Dan*

      I’m not big on holidays/birthdays, so saving up for them doesn’t have any emotional reward for me.

      I do have a rule for any non-trivial purchase — I wait a few days and if I still want it, then I get it then or say the next weekend. For instance, lately I’ve been thinking about getting new furniture and bigger TV, which are going to collectively cost me a few thousand dollars. While I don’t “need” either of them, they’ve been on my “yeah, I would like and appreciate them” list long enough where parting with the cash at the end of the year won’t bother me.

    10. Fellow Traveler*

      I am a “put it off” person. For me it is a good way to gauge whether I really want something. Also, if I’m on the fence about something, I remind myself that if something is worth having, it is worth paying full price for it. Now, mind you, I don’t always pay full price for it, but I find it useful to remind myself that price alone is not a reason to buy something.

  61. The Other Dawn*

    What’s everyone’s favorite/best-working nighttime pain relief?

    I have some Percocet (5/325) that the orthopedic doctor gave me for my back last time I went on a long road trip; however, I try very hard to not take it until I feel I really need it. And if I do take it, I take a half a pill at night along with one 500 mg Tylenol and that happens maybe once every week or two, usually on a Monday night. Another reason I try to not take it is because when I run out, I really hate asking for a refill. I typically limit the refills, which is only 20 pills, to those times when I’ll be going on a long plane or car ride. I know I’m not addicted or becoming dependent, but there’s such a stigma around narcotics. (I talked to my niece, who is recovering from drug and narcotic addition, and she went through a whole list of warning signs to watch for.)

    Anyway, I’m looking for something over-the-counter that will help me sleep and relieve pain, because I find myself having trouble sleeping with the back pain lately. Also, I’m a weight loss surgery post-op, which means anything I take will usually hit me hard and fast, but also wear off faster. I’ve never tried any pain reliever with a sleep aid, so I have no idea how much I could take before it’s too much. I’d need something like caplets or tablets that I can split. That way I can test out the dosage. Oh, and I can’t have NSAIDs.

    1. Anona*

      I don’t know about psin relief but I’ve had success with melatonin and also generic benadryl (which has the exact same active ingredient as Zzzquil, but is typically cheaper). Both are sold in tablets so you can adjust dosing.

    2. Anona*

      Oh & my husband has found success with muscle relaxers for back pain (they do make him sleepy) since he has addiction issues in his family and avoids opiods. He uses them sparingly, on a similar schedule as you for Percocet.

    3. Red*

      Ask your pharmacist next time you stop by! They have years of training on how to counsel patients, and could definitely help you out with finding the right medication. I have two months of training to be a pharmacy tech. Get the best help you can get :)

      2. Thursday Next*

        Tylenol PM is Tylenol + the active ingredient in Benadryl (I think 2 Tylenol PM have the strength of 1 Benadryl). And it’s not a NSAID.

    5. Pharmgirl*

      OTC-wise, your main oral options are NSAIDS or Tylenol. (Salicylates like aspirin are available too, but if you can’t have NSAIDS they might not be an option). If you can taken Benadryl, Tylenol PM might be your best bet. If you’re not sure about the dosage, you can always buy the Tylenol and Benadryl (generic diphenhydramine) separately. The Benadryl is available as low as 25mg in adult tablets that you can split, or in 12.5mg in the kid’s ready-dissolve.

      Or, have you tried any of the topical analgesics? Icyhot, or the patches? Depending on what’s causing your pain they might not work for you, but I figured I’d throw that option out there! Some may have NSAIDS listed in their active ingredients, so if you decide to try those make sure you look for that.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        No, topicals don’t help the back pain at all. Two bulging discs and an annular tear. I can use a topical NSAID (if it worked for me), just not oral NSAIDs.

        1. ..Kat..*

          Topical lidocaine patches are relatively new in the USA. Just bringing this up in case you haven’t tried them…..

          1. ..Kat..*

            Oh, and I cannot remember whether you have tried TENS units. They are available over the counter in the USA now, although sometimes a custom one will work better.

    6. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      When my disc blew and I had the nerve pain (not to mention the weeks I slept about three hours a night due to pain waking me up) – when I was finally given Valium it was like all my dreams had come true. Literally! The first night on that (plus the nerve pain blockers and some hard core ibuprofen) and everything relaxed and I slept like a log. I still have some I keep “just in case” I have a spasm or something goes wrong but they were really great. I know its not over the counter, but potentially speak with your doctor or the pharmacist about something like this as less addictive than a percocet.

      For otherwise normal sleep problems I either do the Advil PM (though I see your restrictions – definitely try the Tylenol too) or 5mg of melatonin. I dont find the melatonin to do much in terms of knocking me out solid, it can give some strange dreams too.

      1. Ali G*

        I have nerve pain as well and my Doc said that Valium helps the pain meds kind of “slow release.” My pain is at its worst at night, so I take my pain pill and a very low dose of Valium (0.5 mg) before I go to bed, and it helps tremendously. Not only does it help me fall asleep, it keeps me asleep by extending the pain med. Before adding the Valium I would wake up at like exactly 6 hours after taking the pain pill because the pain would come back. Now I can mostly sleep through the night.
        For Dawn – have you asked your Doc about RX strength Tylenol? My understanding is that they can prescribe a stronger dosage. I’m hoping to get to the point where I can step down to that, rather than being on Valium and Neurotriptlyne, but I’m not quite there yet.

        1. The Other Dawn*

          I’d have to ask the bariatric doctor about valium since slow release isn’t recommended for post-ops due to the bypassing of part of the intestine.

          RX Tylenol…I had no idea that exists!

          1. Thursday Next*

            Vicodin and some other opioid pain med is basically Tylenol plus the opioid. I find that they have too much opioid for me, so if I use an Rx opioid, I take half and 1 regular Tylenol.

    7. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      CBD oil? It works well for my husband’s chronic knee pain (pcl tear, replacement, and resulting arthritis). He takes it regularly though. I’m not sure it works if you only take it intermittently.

      Cannabis is 100% illegal in my state, but he gets a brand called “Charlotte’s Web” which is legal here because it’s classified as a hemp product.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I’ve thought about this, but don’t know anyone who uses to know if it’s actually effective. I’ve read about it, and it seems like you have to start out with a tiny dose and work up to a larger one over weeks. Is that true? I’m open to trying it. I really wish I could get medical marijuana (edibles, and nothing to get me high), but in my state I’m not eligible. The type of back issue/pain is very specific and doesn’t apply to me.

        1. MuttIsMyCopilot*

          I know a few people who use it for various things and it seems pretty effective overall. I’ve never heard that you need to ramp up the dose slowly and my husband definitely didn’t. The effects are slow to build though, so he didn’t actually realise how much it was helping until the first bottle ran out. The only real downsides are that it’s pricey and tastes kinda skunky.

          Also, if ingesting a mouthful of oil twice a day isn’t a great idea for you, there’s another reputable brand called Empire Wellness that has crystal isolate, flowers, and a few other formulations.

    8. fposte*

      I find the heavier pain pills make me drowsy but don’t let me sleep, which is annoying as hell. For momentary stuff, I’m all about heat. It’s not optimal when it’s summer, but that’s what A/C is for; I’ve got a heating pad plugged permanently into my bedroom outlet and it gets hauled out as needed.

      I know this isn’t the sometime kind of relief, but I’m on Lyrica for chronic pain with the spine problems; it’s not a narcotic and not an NSAID and it works really well for nerve pain, but it takes a while to build up so it’s definitely not something you take just for a night. (It also made me *really* drowsy initially but then it evened out.)

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I’ll have to ask about the Lyrica.

        The Percocet makes me drowsy and does help me sleep, but I sometimes wake up feeling hungover, even though I’m only taking 1/2 a pill. Although, maybe it’s making me sleep very heavy and I’m having a harder time waking up.

        1. ..Kat..*

          Gabapentin is a prescription medication in the USA that can help. Also, clonidine (available orally or as a patch). These medications are prescription only in the USA. Also, they don’t work like Percocet (which you take only when pain is bad). With these medications, you need a steady -state level in your blood stream. But, they are good for lowering your overall constant pain level.

    9. foolofgrace*

      My doctor prescribes Tramodol, which is non-opioid. It doesn’t get you high or actually have any kind of weird side effect at all, but it helps tremendously with my severe arthritis. I take it with Advil and Alleve. I take them twice a day to keep the active ingredient in my bloodstream.

      1. Sylvan*

        I have also been prescribed Tramadol and had no problems with it, but FWIW, it is an opioid.

    10. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      If it’s nerve pain you may want to ask your doctor about trying gabapentin. It’s not OTC, but it’s not a narcotic or NSAID. It only works for nerve pain though. Not sure if that’s what you have.

      You could also try a something else to address the sleep aspect specifically. Maybe valerian or kava kava? You may be able to sleep through some of the pain and avoid taking something stronger for it.

      1. Kuododi*

        Gabapentin is in the same class of meds as Lyrica. I’ve been on the stuff for the past 6-8 months for carpal tunnel pain. Very helpful however has a distressing side effect. The med leaves me wanting to eat everything but the paint on the walls!!! Not good all things considered. I’ve also used tramadol for quite a while for my hands and found it to be helpful for the pain in my hands and aggrivating the pain in my back. I additionally had to hold off taking the tramadol on days when I had to go help with Mom. Otherwise I would not have been able to drive or be able to keep her safe at home. Grrrrr!!!

        1. Ali G*

          I also had adverse side effects from gabapentin. My face blew up and I looked like I was punched in the face repeatedly and then cried about it. It was awful.
          As a side note, is it being more regulated now? I got an email from my dogs vet saying they could only give out 2 weeks of it (and a list of other drugs) at a time.

      2. ..Kat..*

        Valerian and kava kava can interact adversely with a lot of the medications that we are talking about here. Please be careful if you try them.

    11. Teach*

      Have you tried any of the externally applied electro-zappy pain-relief devices? I have a prescribed device with sticky electrodes that my PT taught me to place and a control box with a sleep timer. It produces a buzzy-electric sensation throughout the painful areas that disrupts pain signals. (Anyone who can provide a brand name on this?)

    12. ..Kat..*

      The Other Dawn, have you tried a pain clinic or pain center? They use a multi-modality approach to pain control that has helped many people with chronic pain.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Only the pain doctor at the orthopedic’s office, but he kind of specializes in cortisone injections. I may call the ortho this week to see what else we can do. I don’t mind the Percocet, but I don’t want to depend on it and I hate feeling hungover from it. (That’s how I feel today. It was necessary to take 1/2 of one before bed last night.)

    13. Courageous cat*

      I highly recommend checking out kratom. Pretty safe and effective natural painkiller, very cheap, and has gotten a lot of people off rx pain meds.

    14. Thursday Next*

      I have tried a number of things, based on my consultations with a pain management specialist and psychiatrist, so I’ll lay them all out for you—
      Nortryptiline: an antidepressant used for chronic pain relief for people with central nervous sensitization. Basically the idea is that people who experience chronic pain are primed to feel pain more easi,y, so it kind of breaks that circuit. It can have a drowsy effect, so I use it at bedtime.

      Neurontin (Gabapentin): I’ve used this to help me sleep. My doctor says it promotes normal sleep architecture, in a way that things like Ambiem don’t.

      Vicodin: I’m not a fan of opioids, which seem to mess with my head. If I take any close to bedtime, I wake up when it wears off, not from the pain, but just from the sensation. When I take it, I take half and one regular Tylenol.

      Benadryl: for sleep only. It works well, but I need to have 8 hours to sleep it off. Also, I don’t think long-term use is encouraged—Neurontin has been a better option for me.

      CBD (topical) oil—OMG nothing has relieved my pain like this, and less pain makes falling and staying asleep easier. Got some in a state where recreational use is legal.

      For me the winners are topical CBD oil plus Nortryptiline daily and Neurontin if needed.

      Hope you find some relief.

    15. Thursday Next*

      I wrote a long response that got eaten. I wanted to say that I’ve been working with a pain management specialist, as well as with the psychiatrist on my sleep issues, and I’ve tried a number of things. My favorites are nortriptyline for chronic pain management – it’s an older antidepressant, but works by kind of breaking the circuit of sensitivity to pain. It does need to be taken daily, and it does have a drowsy affect. I also take Neurontin, also called gabapentin, for sleep, since my doctor says it promotes the same sleep architecture of healthy sleep, where as drugs like Ambien, and even Benadryl do not.

      Topical CBD oil has worked wonders for my pain. I got it in a state where recreational use is legal, and it’s helped with my sleep because not having pain has help me file and stay asleep.

      Benadryl has worked for me, but I do need at least eight hours for the effects to wear off, so I sometimes feel a bit groggy after waking up if I’ve taken it. Vicodin really messes with my head, and if I take it too close to bedtime, I wake up when it wears off, not because of the pain, but because of difference and sensation. I’m really not a big fan of opioid pain meds.

      I hope you find some relief for your pain soon.

  62. Monica*

    I’m not sure whether anyone was interested in an update on the situation I posted about several weeks ago with my brother, Ross…

    It was as I suspected – he was upset that I hadn’t called him. Unbeknownst to me his chronic illness had taken a turn for the worst and he felt like I didn’t care even though I explained I assumed when he hadn’t replied to my texts that he didn’t want to talk at all. We got into it via text when he reached out to me and he said some hurtful things that I decided to chalk up to projecting since everything he accused me of was actually how he was behaving. I decided not to retaliate and just end the conversation (because it wasn’t productive) and wish him well.

    A few weeks later I was hanging out with my other brother, Chandler. Since he had been spending time with Ross he gave me some insight into how his illness was affecting his thought process. I decided I wanted to mend our relationship despite the fact that I felt he was treating me unfairly. I ended up asking Ross’ girlfriend if we could all stop by to visit and she said Ross would like that. Shortly after arriving Ross gave me a huge hug which to me was like an unspoken apology as he really isn’t a hugger.

    A couple of weeks after our visit we had a long talk (on the phone) and addressed the situation; he admitted he wasn’t being very fair and explained how his illness has been making him feel overly emotional and angry. I’m trying to be understanding and we did go over communication expectations (on both sides) moving forward.

    Speaking of expectations, I have come to the conclusion that Ross just isn’t capable of showing the type of interest in my life that I have come to expect from close friends. Example – when we were discussing hanging out again soon I mentioned not being available one day because I’m going to a concert and he didn’t ask who I was seeing. I find that most people would (I know I would). It bothers me, but I realize I can’t change him, only myself.

    In order to spare myself further heartache, I realized I need to learn to enjoy spending time together without the expectation of having a deep mutual connection. I hope that makes sense. It won’t be easy, but the bottom line is I value family, so even though things aren’t the way I would prefer them to be, I am happier having my brother in my life as he is than not at all. I’ll look to others in my life for validation and support since he’s not capable of providing that.

    1. fposte*

      I think that’s a good plan. That’s where I went with one brother. Weirdly and shockingly, a massive personal upheaval in his 50s turned him much more engaged, and I’m still not used to it.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      What is up with family. It never ceases to amaze me that sometimes friends can provide more of a connected relationship than some family members. I can only conclude that family serves a purpose that is unique to being family. Friends round things out a little bit and fill in our gaps.

      Sadly, in your example here I think your brother’s illness consumes more of him that one would initially think. He sounds like he believes he is struggling to get through the next five minutes and there is no brain space left for you. Not an excuse, really, but rather it could be just the way it is. I think you are on the right path with what you say here. Some folks live such encumbered lives that it can feel like we give more than we get, way more. Do what you can as you can, don’t carry your expectations for YOURSELF too high. Be reasonable with you.

  63. Gaia*

    Alright, I need help from someone more domestically inclined than I am.

    I have a fabulous pair of jeans. They look AMAZING on me, fit like a glove and are SO SO comfortable. However, they are also a deep (deep) indigo blue and no amount of washing them has stopped them from making me look like a smurf after wearing them.

    I’ve tried washing them (about 10 times) – I even tried adding vinegar to the wash. Still: smurf legs. Help.

    1. Middle School Teacher*

      Are you washing in cold? The few times I’ve had smurf leg jeans, washing in cold with lots of vinegar helped me.

      Also, Rit (the company that makes dye for clothes) makes a dye fixative. That might work too.

      1. Gaia*

        Yep, definitely washing in cold water.

        Great idea about Rit – I’ll give that a try!

    2. Natalie*

      I’ve always had good luck with vinegar and jeans specifically, even though they Internet says it doesn’t always work with commercially dyed fabric. Just dump some vinegar in cold water and put the jeans in for a while. A few hours probably but I usually forget and leave them over night. Then wash as normal.

    4. Reba*

      There is actually nothing you can do, other than wear and wash to the point that the excessive indigo particles are dispersed. Extra washes may help speed the process, but no safe household chemical is going to fix the dye better. It has to do with the way indigo dyes work. Unlike the reactive dyes used on most of our cotton clothes nowadays (and other processes for synthetics) indigo does not form a very tight molecular bond with the cotton fibers. It’s just kind of sitting there. More dips in the bath mean darker color as indigo molecules are built up (to oversimplify somewhat), which also means more weakly bonded molecules to shed. Eventually the cloth will fade a bit and will have shed the dye it’s going to shed.

      You could buy the same style in a lighter wash?

    5. Not So NewReader*

      If you have tried everything and you are ready to toss them out, then try peppermint soap. I have had peppermint soap pull paint off of wood. It took a stain off my metal front door that nothing else would touch. I have no idea if it will help/ruin these jeans or not, so weigh out the risks before starting.
      There is Dr. Bronner’s which is kind of spendy. You might find Dr. Woods peppermint soap which is a little cheaper.
      Fill a basin with water, put the soap in and let them soak. If it’s going to work the water should be blue. This could be days of soaking. Or it could be changing the water and putting in more soap a couple of times. Not sure. You’ll kind of have to guess your way along here. Don’t use a ton of soap each time, just use enough to make sudsy water.

  64. Junior Dev*

    Mental health thread! How are you doing? What are you struggling with? What are you proud of?

    Struggling with sleep again. I did cut wayyyy back on caffeine, which made a huge difference, I went down to one cup of caffeinated coffee per day, instead of the 4-6 I had been drinking. But it’s been really hot here and that just messed everything up. Which in turn meant I didn’t wake up in time to bike to work. I am proud of finding other ways to work out though.

    I’m also proud of making social plans. I’m seeing a friend I haven’t seen in a while today and this evening I’m going to a movie with the person I mentioned last week who is having a really bad time with his mental health. Things feel a little more normal with the latter friend, I told him over text how worried I was and how hard it was to see him withdraw from people, and he didn’t respond to that but we’ve managed to have some decent interactions since then.

    How are you doing?

    1. Penguin*

      Doing better! I learned this week that “regular” amounts of caffeine (a cup of black tea once a day) several days in a row triggers debilitating migraines and increases my anxiety! At least I have an explanation now? Also, at least my local coffee shop has herbal tea options. Otherwise I would be very sad…

    2. Red*

      I’m actually doing really well for the first time in months! I just got out of an 8 day stay in the best mental health hospital in the area and omg, I feel human again. It’s amazing. I’m not manic, I’m not even a little depressed, I’m just stable and happy. It’s a beautiful, amazing thing. Thanks also for having this thread, as I want to make the staff there a thank you card and you reminded me of that. They really helped me a lot, through the worst panic attack of my life, suicidal depression, and horrific side effects from the wrong medication. Feels good to feel good, man.

      (Also, shout-out to Independent Health for covering a drug that’s over $1600 for only a $25 copay. Latuda is an expensive miracle drug)

      1. Sylvan*

        Awesome! I have seen a handful of your posts here over the last few weeks, and I was hoping you were feeling better.

      2. LGC*

        I was wondering where you were last week! I’m glad you’re doing a lot better, and I really hope you continue doing well!

    3. Mimmy*

      Ehh…could be better. Was a little down on myself earlier in the week when a student got upset, to the point of raising her voice. I don’t think it was directly 100% at me but it made me very uncomfortable. I’m sure I handled it so well, but the rest of the week with her went better, so there’s that.

      Then there’s the anxiety about a potential new health concern (see my post above). Oyy. When did being a responsible, healthy adult get so darn complicated?? lol.

      Hopefully the upcoming week will find me more assertive and sure of myself.

    4. Queenie*

      I’m struggling with sleep too. I’ve been unemployed for a while so I don’t have a specific motivation to get up early, and I’ve been going to bed later and later and thus getting up later and later. Also feeling hopeless about the unemployed thing. I only end up applying to about two jobs a week, and it’s often jobs that I don’t think I’d actually like or that will pay well so I’m not even excited when I hear back from anyone.

      I’m going through my clothes and put together two big boxes of gently used things to donate. I think I still have too much, but I’m proud that I’m making progress and have a bit more storage room.

    5. Sylvan*

      Pretty good here! Also having sleep issues. I try not to insomnia-comment on AAM anymore, but if we do see each other at new post time (12AM EST), we can have a lazy high-five or something.

      I haven’t been having panic attacks often lately, which means I haven’t been taking benzodiazepines often. I’m going five days to a week between doses. (Three or four days is my average, down from several times a day a year ago.) Could the sleep issues be related?

    6. Gatomon*

      Struggling. Am going to have to pay for another semester of school to change majors to get away from this class I can’t pass (it’s been a YEAR of solid studying and I. just. can’t. do. it.)

      Realized yesterday that I hadn’t had a proper vacation from work in a year, and haven’t had any time off from work + school in 3.5 years, so I booked a few weeks off. Not sure if I’ll take a break from schoolwork or not, but it’s all that’s holding me together right now.

      Waiting on my houseguest to leave so I can have my space back. This definitely did not go as planned, and is really frustrating. Hopefully these feelings will fade once this person actually leaves.

      I don’t get enough sleep but if I do I become depressed because my life becomes work-study-sleep with no time for anything fun. I really just need to graduate.

    7. The Other Dawn*

      I’m definitely struggling with sleep this week. My husband is now on second shift (3 pm-11 pm), so after I get home from work I’m not as mentally stimulated as I was when he was home at night, if that make sense. I find myself watching a lot of TV and surfing the ‘net. I’m doing some cooking, but that doesn’t happen every night. I think my work situation is contributing to my restless sleep, too. Just about every morning this week I’ve had a hard time waking up and I feel like I’m in a major fog.

    8. Henrietta*

      After deciding that it’s time to get on antidepressant, I made the appointment to talk to my doctor about that this week. It’s a big relief to have made the decision.

    9. ..Kat..*

      I am in a steady state of doing relatively well. But, I have piles of stuff to organize, deal with, and file. I am having trouble taking care of this stuff. I may try UnF***YourHabitat which many people are recommending. It doesn’t help that my (very understanding) husband is tired of the piles…

    10. Justin*

      Doing really well. I have been able to stop and/or anticipate spirals of anxiety (only one spiral in July!), and recognize patterns. Feeling like I have a real vision on my mental needs for the first time in the, probably, 17 years since it developed (but it’s only been a year since I admitted it to myself in therapy).

    11. Thlayli*

      Glad to hear you’re cutting down on caffeine! I keep it to less than 200mg a day – makes a big difference.

      I’m feeling totally back to normal except just tired. Antidepressants rock.

  65. Lazy?*

    I think I might be coming to terms with the fact that some of my issues stem from laziness. I’m not sure I’d say I lack motivation though. I’ve definitely had more setbacks than the average person (friends and family agree, so it’s not my imagination). I’m also a bit of a workaholic. I think about work all the time, but admittedly think about non-work stuff at work, and it’s almost impossible for me to separate the two lives.

    This is not about work though. It’s about housekeeping tasks, literally and figuratively. It’s the exercising, taking that stroll around the neighborhood that I fantasize about sometimes, submitting my insurance claims, cleaning the fridge, taking out recycling, grocery shopping, cooking instead of eating noodles…

    Can anyone relate? Is laziness the obvious but real explanation? Have you had any revelations.

    1. Penguin*

      It may or may not be laziness. You might want to look up “executive function deficit” or “executive dysfunction”; I recently heard it described very as “when you buy a kettle to make it easier to boil water for tea, but a month later, you’re still boiling water the stupid way because you haven’t washed the new kettle that’s still on the counter beside the sink.” I offer this because the workarounds are somewhat different than might be for laziness.

      Here’s a good link for a primer; it’s workplace-driven, but has lists of aids that might be helpful:
      https://askjan.org/media/execfunc.html

    2. nep*

      The one thing that helps me is not lingering long enough to think about something and talk myself out of it. Whether you schedule it or it comes up spur of the moment, take the first step, do the thing without letting yourself think, linger, rationalise doing it later.
      For example, the walk around the neighbourhood–sounds trite, but it’s true: Toughest move is opening the door and stepping out. Right there it’s done.

      1. foolofgrace*

        Ancillary to this is a method I sometimes have to use on myself : promise myself that I only have to do Thing for 10 minutes. Suppose I have a sink full of dishes. (No dishwasher.) It’s disheartening. So I tell myself I only have to wash dishes for 10 minutes. When the 10 minutes is up, although I have “permission” to stop, I generally — though not always! — just finish up the job. Cooking doesn’t lend itself to this method, though; you’re usually in it for the duration if you start. But I just sometimes do 10-minute meals — bacon and eggs, can of baked beans with hot dogs, ramen spiked up with toasted sesame oil and stuff.

        1. Nicole76*

          I do this with working out. I set a timer for 30 minutes but tell myself it’s OK to stop at 20 minutes. Usually I go the whole thirty minutes. Occasionally I’ll stop at 20 or go as long as 45 and very rarely I’ll quit 10 minutes in but I feel like just setting that timer really helps me over all.

    3. Junior Dev*

      The Tumblr blog theunitofcaring has a lot of good posts on dealing with executive functioning/getting stuff done. I’ll look some up for you later today but it might be worth taking a browse through their archive.

    4. fposte*

      I alternate between believing I’m lazy and believing that laziness isn’t really a thing–that it’s a reductive way to dismiss complex obstacles as a flaw.

      Some of what you’re describing seems broadly human to me; there’s a reason why stuff like this is a perennial topic of articles, motivational stuff, and sciences such as behavioral economics and cognitive psychology. That’s also why there’s no simple “Here’s how a single kick in the butt can make you do the things you need to do”–the way you get yourself to attack an insurance claim isn’t going to get you out to take a walk.

      But I also find that all of these get more challenging to me when I’ve got cognitive or emotional overload generally, and that it also helps to focus on one or two things rather than the whole list. I also think that in the midst of this might be the problem of feeling you’re not the kind of person you want to be or, dare I guess, you see on other people’s social media. And if that’s the case, remember nobody’s the person they are on their social media for one, and consider ways to appreciate the person you are even if she isn’t mapping on your Ms. Fantasy Altogether.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        “t’s a reductive way to dismiss complex obstacles as a flaw.”
        A big Amen to this.

        Laziness can be the magic bullet answer for all things. If it was the actual answer for you then you’d be cured. You’re not cured. What happened?

        You have had a number of setbacks. This sounds like dragging a ball and chain through life. Do you get enough rest? There is nothing more tiring than a setback or ten. It can really make a person feel beat up by life. fposte is right, attributing everything to laziness is like being disrespectful to one’s self. It minimizes what is going on in someone’s life and the issues they are facing.

        What are you doing to build yourself build up your energy after the beating life has given you? I am talking about sleep schedules, hydration, veggies and perhaps a protein drink, these types of things.
        A good thing to think about is how much energy you put into your job. If you put so much into your job that there is nothing left of you when you get home, then you can rethink how much you should be doing at work. You say workaholic. You would expect your car to run with no fuel in the tank, right? Neither can we as human beings. At some point we have to put stuff into our diets and into our lives that recharges us. You may have reached this point.

    5. Nacho*

      I can totally relate. I’m always thinking to hings I want to do, especially exercise and housekeeping, that I eventually let fall aside because I just don’t feel like it. What I’ve found is that it’s easier to finish something than it is to start it. Once I’m already outside, it’s not hard to continue my pleasant walk around the neighborhood. The hard part is leaving my computer to take those first steps. If you can force yourself to do that much, the rest is easy.

      1. ronda*

        Do you want to do the things you are being ‘lazy’ about? I am not ‘lazy’ at work (desk job), but I am at home / physical labor.

        If you dont want to do it, and you have some money, you can pay other people to do those things for you. Hire a house cleaner and lawn service, send your laundry out to be washed, buy premade meals, etc.

        Some things other people can’t do for you, like exercise. For myself, I need a class to exercise. If I have someone I have to meet to exercise, that is even more motivating for me. (& I do really dislike exercise) When I had a dog, that did make me go out for the walk… dog was always ready for a walk and needed them at regular intervals. (but if you dont love dogs, dont do this)

  66. murse*

    I remember AAM telling us that she used to give dating and relationship advice online and that she was thinking about publishing it at some point. I am deeply curious as to the advice she gives in a dating or relationship areas. She gives such great advice for work related stuff and I am thinking that she would give excellent relationship advice.

    1. Newship*

      Omg I want to know this too! I would be such an avid reader if there was a relationship section of this blog!!!

  67. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

    Hubs and I were supposed to go to the beach, but there’s 2 weeks forecast of rain :/

    Instead, we’re checking out a museum, and we did a massive grocery trip so I could cook Asian savory crepes, borscht, and Russian fish in coat.

    Fun ways to relax during rainy weather?

    1. Overeducated*

      Same :( Cooking today, probably doing a museum or two tomorrow. They must be really crowded on a rainy weekend during tourist season, though.

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      While I have exquisite weather, and a cold triggering asthma that means I am short of breath while sitting quietly on the couch.

    3. Lora*

      I have some sewing projects – lunch bags as the dog chewed mine. Sometimes in winter when the weather is always crummy I do larger projects. Knitting too.

    4. Woodswoman*

      I grew up in Michigan, but as a Californian it’s been so long since I’ve experienced a rainy summer that I was super excited when I got to experience a thunderstorm in South Dakota a couple years ago. I’m daydreaming of rain in the land of drought and it makes me happy to read here about the rain from other AAM readers. Of course, I know there have been some devastating storms in the East recently, so sending my best wishes to anyone affected.

    5. Cat Herder*

      Sex in the middle of the day. Then take a long nap. Then drink wine and eat a terrible snack you never usually allow yourself to eat, like a giant bowl of Cheetos, with no apologizing or guilt. Look at your wedding pictures and reminisce about your crazy grandma disco dancing with everyone. Then get food delivered for dinner and watch a cheesy movie.

    6. London Calling*

      *there’s 2 weeks forecast of rain :/*

      Can you send it to London somehow? pretty please?

    7. ronda*

      Usually rain doesn’t last all day. here in atlanta recently we have been having rain every day but mostly in the early evening and night time.

      recommend looking at how the rain cycle is working there and if it gives you enough beach time anyway.

    8. Bluebell*

      Pedicures or couples massage? Movie matinees, a late lunch at someplace that’s always crowded during the regular lunch hour.

  68. Screw this*

    My husband will not do his fair share of housework, ever, under any circumstances. I’m basically doing everything even when I work full time AND AM ON CHEMO and he wasn’t working at all, but now that he’s working again he’s doing even less.

    I’m put in a situation where to get him to do anything, I have to nag about it forever, and even then he gives me a bunch of questions (“should I be taking out the garbage or recycling?” “ANY OF THEM. just DO something jesus christ. There isn’t a manager I check in with before I do housework, I just do it.”) I’m so past the point of being able to be nice/supportive about that because I tried that for years and he just takes it as “well she’s being nice so I don’t have to do anything.” He makes all kinds of excuses. He won’t clean because he doesn’t see me cleaning right now (never mind that I did hours of it over the weekend). But if I am currently cleaning and he sees it, he exempts himself because he’s watching something/playing something. I have things I want to watch and play too. I just make the time to do it because it’s important that not all of our dishes are dirty and unusable, and none of our clothes are wearable, and our garbage is full so we can’t throw anything else out without making overflow garbages.

    He makes excuses that if he doesn’t care if something gets done, he doesn’t have to do it. Any time there’s dishes to be done: well he just doesn’t care if they get done, therefore he doesn’t have to do them! He throws this excuse at any piece of housework that comes up like it’s some kind of pass. He makes excuses that he doesn’t like doing housework (do you seriously think I do? That I’m doing it for fun?) therefore he doesn’t have to. If I can finally get him to to anything, say I take out the garbage 30 times in a row, then he takes it out once, then I ask him to take it out the next time he’ll get all indignant and go “but i JUST took it out last time!” and not take into account that I’ve done it so, so, so many times.

    Now he tells me that he wants to have a kid. There’s no way in HELL I’m going to have a kid with someone who is so lazy and irresponsible. I can barely stand living with him at this point. I love him, in all other areas our marriage is fantastic, but this is such a huge disrespect to me and honestly makes me think so much less of him as a partner. I don’t think he realizes how easily he could improve our marriage by 100% if he would just bother to be a partner instead of acting like he’s a ten year old and I’m his mother who has to take care of him while he sits back and relaxes.

    1. Dear liza dear liza*

      Budget for a cleaning service. He’s never going to do his part, and SCREW you doing all of it- and all of that emotional labor. (Oh, and no kids, for sure. The amount of housekeeping will be a thousand times what it is.)

      1. Sue Donym*

        That’s better than my suggestion, which was going to be move into an apartment by yourself for a few months and let him figure out how to live in filth, or not.

        I fought this same battle with my husband – his chores were “outside” while mine were inside. Conveniently, there were virtually no outside chores for 6 months (winter/spring). And the “I’m not going to clean if you’re not cleaning right this second” rang very familiar. If I asked him to do something, I always had to have some justification even though I never asked for one if he needed me to do something. Ugh. It was never as extreme as your situation though, and I wouldn’t say we resolved anything, exactly. It just became less of a sticking point because if I’m in charge of XYZ chores then they get done when I damn well please and if he doesn’t like it, he can do them. We also talked about cleaning services but decided that might be more expense and effort than we wanted, since you typically have to tidy up before the service comes and at that point, it’s a small thing to tack on vacuuming or wiping down counters.

        I was also leery of having kids and ended up resentful at times because I was working FT and doing almost all the things after we had our first. I had to basically shut myself in the room sometimes to force him to change a diaper or soothe the baby. Our second child was almost the breaking point for me, and if we’d had a third (which wasn’t really a consideration) I would probably have left him. Some of that was definitely postpartum hormones but man, it was a close thing. He’s a good and involved father, but he hasn’t really shaken the mentality that I’m the default caregiver for everything always, no exceptions.

        Things can work well 90-95% of the time but the deal breakers can loom large enough to really alter your feelings about someone. It sucks and I hope the cleaning service (or whatever strategy you take) works.

        1. Screw this*

          Screw that too. I know that men in general know as a fact that women shouldn’t have to be more responsible for housework just because, but it doesn’t seem to impact the behavior of so many of them. Literally every straight co-habitating female I know has a similar situation with her husband/bf/roommate. They think that it’s a woman’s responsibility so if she’s doing something it’s just normal but if he does anything at all, even for the tiniest amount of time compared to what she’s putting in, he’s “helping”. It makes me want to flip tables. Tables that I cleaned off because he sure as hell never would.

          1. Falling Diphthong*

            This hasn’t been the norm where I am. Just to push back against the idea that what you’re describing is a normal thing and They’re All Like That. Men who have domiciles do housework, and if a woman who lives there does more–not uncommon–the division of labor usually reflects things like different schedules.

            I’m with the advice to separate for a month. Just to see what it’s like to not clean up after him for that long, because per the Sheelzebub principle downthread this sounds untenable.

            1. Ali G*

              Yeah I have to push back with you. I have a lot of coupled friends and I don’t see this dynamic at all (and a lot of them have children). My husband just doesn’t cook. That’s OK because I love to. So he does all the dishes – every meal. Sometimes, because I am only working part time right now, I tell him to leave it and I will do it. We share cleaning mostly (we used to have maids, but won’t again until I am working full time) – but I do most of it because I have the time.
              All in all, it is a partnership where we have both agreed to the rules. What works for us may not work for everyone, but we both agree.
              Regardless, I don’t think that making this as “normal” is OK. It’s not.

            2. Thlayli*

              I’ve read that there are groups of women who are stuck in situations like this – they see all their friends in similar situations so they assume there are no men out there that aren’t like that. It’s common in some subcultures / ethnic groups. It’s one of the factors that holds back people from particular ethnic groups from obtaining gender equality.

              ST please realise there are LOTS of men who are not like this. My DH does most of the cooking and most of the cleaning and never complains. ( I do most of the laundry and more than half of the childcare so I think it’s pretty even).

              1. Screw this*

                I do realize there are lots of men out there who aren’t like this. That doesn’t change the fact that it’s a very well documented problem that face women (extra burden of housework and childcare).

          2. Justin*

            They need better dudes. I do all the laundry despite hating it. She enjoys cooking so usually does that (but I cook specific things I like). I then do the dishes.

            Not bragging, just saying, men have no excuse.

          3. Penguin*

            Captain Awkward has definitely answered a huge number of letters that include something like this; many times the point she makes is something like “the issue is not that your husband won’t do housework; the issue is that your husband doesn’t respect or value or care about you, your time, or your effort.”

            The first time I read one of those, I found that perspective shift REALLY enlightening (and I mention it in the hopes that others find it equally helpful) as I often lose sight of the forest for the trees and need to step back and reassess.

            You’re in a sucky situation, and I hope you’re able to get out of it soon.

      2. Screw this*

        I’m in a city with an impossibly high cost of living with very low wages, we can’t budget for anything extra even though both of us are technically “gainfully employed”. Beyond food and a movie once every couple of months, we don’t have room to splurge on anything.

    2. Kathenus*

      Also, only cook for yourself. Only wash your dishes. Only wash your clothes. Only get things you want at the grocery or other stores. If you have separate bathrooms, only clean yours. Stop doing anything that makes his life easier unless you need to because it affects yours too.

      If looking at the messiness of ‘his’ stuff undone bothers you but doesn’t directly affect you, try really hard to ignore it. If things keep getting done, he has absolutely no incentive to change. He has to have some tangible consequences.

      In a normal, considerate person, he would care that it bothered you; and especially since you’re on chemo for gosh sakes he’d be bending over backwards to help. I agree that having a child now does not sound like a recipe for success. You might want to send this letter in to Carolyn Hax, she is so practical and insightful for ‘life’ stuff, the way Alison is for work stuff. I’m sorry. Hope you find something that helps.

      1. foolofgrace*

        ^ This times a million. No more laundry for him, no cooking for him. Don’t see a way around the garbage — after all you don’t want pests — but you get the idea. And don’t say anything about it, just let his stuff go with no comment.

      2. Screw this*

        Unfortunately I’ve already moved to this and it’s resulting in the following:

        he spilled creamed corn on our floor. I saw it and went “nope, not doing it for him this time.” He left it there for weeks in our very heated apartment (yes, apartment. we’re renters. with a damage deposit). It got under the floorboards, expanded, and now our wood panel floor is ruined.

        Thank you for your suggestion I just wish that when I tried it it resulted in anything. I still won’t touch his laundry or his dishes, but he’ll still use the dishes *I* washed instead of washing his own. He would just rather live in a pig sty where we’re literally getting bug infestations because of the stacking garbage.

        1. Jessen*

          The smart aleck in me wants to suggest putting a padlock on one cabinet. Can’t use your dishes if he can’t get to them.

          Honestly though, do you have anywhere else you can stay? Because that is seriously Not Ok behavior from anyone over the age of 10.

          1. Middle School Teacher*

            I agree. A friend, a co-worker, your parents if they’re in the same city… just go. Let him fend for himself.

            (And if your name’s on the apartment lease, can you get it off? You don’t want to be pursued by a landlord if he really damages the place.)

            I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. If anyone deserves extra help, it’s you. Chemo AND work full-time? Holy Dinah.

        2. Ann O.*

          This sounds horrible. At that point, I would honestly be considering divorce if a cleaning service isn’t an option on the table. That’s a pretty extreme level of filth tolerance.

          Other possibilities if you’re not ready to leave the relationship: can you leave the co-habiting? It’s unusual to be married-living-apart but unusual isn’t always bad. If he’s completely unwilling to change, that may be one way to save the relationship while letting you live in a clean environment.

          If he is willing to bend a little, a second option could be a chore chart with some form of reward system. I know it’s hard to be sympathetic to men when they act like this, but I think it is harder to clean when you haven’t been socialized to see it/care about it. For you, even though cleaning isn’t fun, there’s a mental reward of a cleaner environment. It sounds like your husband genuinely does not care and–for whatever reason–would be okay living in filth and squalor. So he is really lacking the upside that compensates for the labor. A chore chart makes the responsibilities and division of labor clear plus it provides a compensation. And to be clear, when I say reward system, I mean that to be for both of you or else it gets back to the default maid role.

        3. Thursday Next*

          Paper plates and plastic utensils. Really. It’s environmentally not the greatest, but you’re doing chemo, FFS—if anyone gets a break, it’s you!

          Decide what’s absolutely not something you can put up with—those are things you will have to do. Taking out trash is one of those things, for hygiene purposes.

          Don’t buy or make him any food. Food is the source of most daily household prep and cleanup. If you have leftovers, put it in a container marked as your lunch for the next day.

          Please shut down any conversations about kids very firmly, and tell him why: “Childrearing requires the full collaboration between all the adults in a household, and you have not demonstrated to me that you are capable of doing the work to care for yourself, let alone for us as partners. There are basic standards of hygiene and routine that must be in place to care for children, and you have not shown yourself capable of maintaining them.”

          I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.

          1. London Calling*

            Oh God, do not have children with this man. You already have a child, and it’s the one you are married to and he sounds like he needs full-time babying.

            Sorry to be blunt, but what does he do or have that makes you want to be married to him?

          2. Thlayli*

            Just want to repeat again – stop taking out the trash as a minimum. When you are doing chemo you should be away from germs as much as possible and absolutely 100% should not be touching trash.

            1. Thursday Next*

              Oh my, I can’t believe I missed that aspect. Screw this, can you hire a high school kid to do things like taking out the trash and washing up the dishes? They might be happy to have an hour’s work daily, and it’ll be more affordable than adult professionals.

        4. Aphrodite*

          I’m sorry but I would suggest you consider a divorce. He is obviously unwilling to change and the fact that you are going through chemotherapy makes that especially disturbing to me.

          He should not “help” you; that makes it sound like it’s all your job and he is the assistant. You both need to be the primary in home responsibility. You do sound desperate. Whatever choices you make I wish you well.

          2. Not So NewReader*

            Agreed. You want to be married to a man not a little boy. You’ve got a little boy. I can see respect easing it’s way out the door here. His respect for you is long gone. All that is left of him is a hot mess of head games. The fact that you are doing chemo on top of dealing with this stuff from him, to me it’s a deal breaker.

          3. blackcat*

            Yes. Maybe try counseling first, but I think the only sensible thing to do is divorce.

            His total lack of cleaning WHEN YOU WERE GETTING CHEMO signals that he will not ever put your needs above his wants. Whether that’s a choice or he’s actually incapable due to some condition doesn’t matter.

            He won’t care for you. Or a child.

            Double up on birth control. Do not use something he could tamper with.

            I strongly suspect that once you leave, you will find that the marriage was not good in other respects. You have gotten used to a life of being disrespected and disregarded. It will be easier to care for yourself, alone, than to care for him.

        5. BRR*

          Wow. I know you say everything else is good but this is a big deal. I would consider couples counseling.

        6. Thlayli*

          Wow. The creamed corn story. Wow. That is flat out abusive behaviour. If you stay with this man you will regret it. Please please leave.

          1. London Calling*

            Yep, this man is abusive and he certainly doesn’t have any respect or care for you. You are having chemo and he’s happy for you both to live in squalor?

    3. Red Reader*

      I married that guy. And divorced him. Twice. It won’t change. Do you want to live the rest of your life like this?

      1. Ali G*

        As an example I would like to describe what happened to me tonight. I was making dinner and dropped the potholer and ended up grabbing the oven rack at 450.
        It hurt and still hurts, but my hubs took over, making sure we cleaned up and also ate well.
        I hurt a lot and still hurts. He got me ice, ibuprofen, and did all dishes as I described before. this is a marriage. I’d write more but my hand hurts like hell. take are of yourself please

        1. Reba*

          Hope you feel better soon, AliG!

          Screw this, like others I think the fact that *he doesn’t even want to help you when you are down* is extremely telling. It’s breathtaking actually, that he can see you suffering and as your partner in life, is not moved to step up even a bit. Even if he thinks housework is beneath him, caring for you shouldn’t be!

          You deserve someone who shows up for you.

          Since you say it’s good in other ways, maybe it is worth one more big picture conversation–explaining that you need more and you don’t feel you are in a loving partnership–before you consider exit options. Best wishes to you.

        2. blackcat*

          Possibly to take for this advice:
          Ice is a bad idea! Cool water is best. Ice will further damage the skin, even if it feels better for a short while.

          -signed, someone who got a third degree burn in a similar way.

    5. FaintlyMacabre*

      I would recommend Captain Awkward archives for this, but to be honest- feeling like you shouldn’t have a kid with someone is not a great sign (ask me how I know!). He is sitting back while you work. That’s not okay. You are not his maid and his willingness to see you as one will damage the relationship beyond repar.

      1. Queenie*

        This immediately reminded me of the the Sheelzebub Principle from Captain Awkward. You ask yourself how long you would be willing to put up with a bad situation (a few weeks, 6 months, a year, forever?) and act accordingly. OP’s husband is never going to change–how long does she want to put up with this before doing something about it (i.e. leaving).

        1. Sylvan*

          +1.

          There is another way to look at this: If I didn’t own this already, would I buy it? It’s for decluttering, but honestly, it can kind of apply to people, too. If you were single and you met this guy, and you somehow knew that this is where things would go, what would you want to do?

          I’m kind of upset reading about him being messy and lazy while you are going through chemo, and then reading that he wants kids? Come on. He IS a kid.

    6. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Honestly – do you really want to stay married to him, if these are the conditions? Because to me, this would be a deal breaker. I understand if it isn’t for you, but you don’t have to live your life with a man who refuses to be an adult and help maintain the house where he lives.

    7. Lora*

      Oh, I see you married my ex!

      I don’t know. I never solved this one. It wasn’t why we split up, but after we split up all of a sudden my day to day life was way easier because I only had to clean up my own messes.

      I gotta say, it IS the number one reason I have zero interest in getting married again, or even dating. I don’t want to take care of a grown adult whose only problem is sheer fking shiftlessness. The sexiest thing any man could show me would be a sparkling clean house that he cleaned himself, a home cooked meal made with his own hands which is edible, and a well cared for pet. Like, if dudes on online dating could send pictures of their bathroom with the vanity door open so I can see the cleaning products they use instead of dick pics, I wouldn’t have bailed on OkCupid after two brief and horrified weeks.

      2. Thursday Next*

        I think 2 of the 3 things you mentioned (clean home, edible meal, well-cared-for pet) would probably suffice for sexiness!

    8. BoobooAnonymous*

      Please don’t have kids like this- my husband is/was like this, although less willfully ignorant. Wanted a cookie for unloading the dishwasher while I took on responsibility for everything else. Would do other tasks but only as I insisted on it (still a lot of emotional labor to take on, plus being the project manager for the house, primary caregiver for our child, a full time critical care RN and pregnant) We went to counseling and I started insisting on him pulling his weight with the kids (the first time he took care of them both, simultaneously, for 3 hours- he needed a nap after bahahahaha) He started initiating more. I also stopped doing his laundry and left him to his own devices. Thankfully he’s not an intentional a$$hole, just a spoiled only child (don’t come at me with “not all only children”- I’m discussing a particular individual) and seeing me nearly break down from stress and request a separation was enough to get him motivated to start helping. He also started addressing his own personal issues in therapy and as he got happier with his own life and dealt with his anxiety & depression, life got much better. He was able to start initiating more and participating as an adult, as opposed to a 12 year old with helicopter parents. I also started owning I would always be the more… driven one? The manager of all things? Ha- and have been better about saying- “I need this shower cleaned, I’m not showering in pink slime.” And he’s good about doing it then. So it was a bit of an adjustment on both our parts.

      I’m sorry your guy is so resistant to change- if he’s not willing to change now, please don’t have kids together. My husband and I are happy together and STILL the despairity in what is often required of mothers vs fathers is exhausting. So imagine (to the best of your ability- I couldn’t until I had kids) doing all what you’re doing now, plus sleep deprived, hormonal, possibly physically injured, learning how to care for a new human being plus a full grown adult who is adding to your burden as opposed to helping AND teaching your child “this is how men/fathers act”. I don’t have words for the level of resentment I felt. I honestly think it has to be easier as a single mom then a mom with a dead weight partner, bc at least as a single parent you aren’t fooled into relying on a man-child who lets you down.

      1. Thursday Next*

        This doesn’t help OP—sorry!—but situations like this are very much part of what drives the way I instruct my 11-year-old son (my daughter is younger & very different tempermentally). Basically I tell him that there are certain things he needs to do for health and hygiene, like disposing of food and wrappers properly, and washing his dishes.

        A second level is Things That Must Be Done If You Live with Other People. So if he has his own apartment, and wants to leave his dirty socks lying around, okay, but in a shared space and relationship (including our family), this is not acceptable.

        The older he gets, the less I do for him, though I still remind (nag?) him until he does those tasks himself.

        Emotional labor and task management is an advanced topic that will have to wait. :-)

        1. BoobooAnonymous*

          Good for you!! That will serve him so well- even if he doesn’t appreciate it yet :)

    9. I Am Still Furious!!*

      Please, whatever you do, don’t have a child with this man. This will not get better. I know. My STBEXH sat around, even when he was unemployed, and did nothing while I worked, raised a child, cleaned, did laundry, mowed the lawn, everything. “But you do it so much better than I do”. Your husband will not change. It’s also massively disrespectful to you that he won’t help. I was disrespected too. For years. That’s why my STBEXH is soon to be ex.

    10. Dan*

      I am the guy you all hate (or at least are speaking disapprovingly of.) At least I can admit it :)

      I’ve been married and divorced — but for those that recall my other posts on my marriage, household cleanliness was probably the last thing on the list. But given my ex didn’t work and I did the grocery shopping and cooking, her complaints about how much cleaning she did fell on deaf ears.

      Let me just say that there exist people for whom messes/clutter/dirty dishes/unvacuumed floor/full trash can don’t bother them. How? Who knows. But I am one of them.

      I’m getting old, and have enough life experience to say this: If two people have different levels of cleanliness standards, and one person will resent doing more than they otherwise would, and the other person would resent doing more than what they feel is “their fair share”, then this will not be conducive to a harmonious living arrangement. If cleanliness is a problem now, then it will be one forever. Take that to the bank. If you aren’t married now, and your partner’s cleanliness standards bother you? Don’t marry them (it goes both ways.)

      I’ll also note that this seems to be a gendered issue, and one side looks down on the other as being slobs, or lazy, or what have you. The reality? This is about lifestyle preferences, no more, no less. (I’m talking dishes in the sink and clothes on the floor, not health and safety hazards or hoarders levels here).

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I have read enough of your posts, Dan, to think that if you spilled creamed corn on the floor you would not leave it there for weeks. And somehow I think that if you had a wife who was working full time AND on chemo you would endeavor to help her as best you could. I don’t think you are this guy or anything similar to him at all. This guy is something else.

        1. Dan*

          I would hope so too, thanks. I missed the seriousness of what was described at first read. The guy described is a piece of work. Even still though, making sure people are on the same page with cleaning standards is critical to long term relationship success.

      2. Lora*

        “If two people have different levels of cleanliness standards, and one person will resent doing more than they otherwise would, and the other person would resent doing more than what they feel is “their fair share”, then this will not be conducive to a harmonious living arrangement. If cleanliness is a problem now, then it will be one forever. Take that to the bank. If you aren’t married now, and your partner’s cleanliness standards bother you? Don’t marry them (it goes both ways.)”

        YES. This.

        The crappy thing is that people change, or that they are able to keep up a good show for a while. My ex held it together and did his share right up until about six months after we were married – and we lived together two years before that. Then he suddenly forgot that if you want to have clean clothes, you need to put them in the hamper prior to laundry day, not shove your dirty socks under the bed; if you want to not have ants in your candy stash you need to take out the trash and put food away properly.

        Inexplicably (to him), no woman has lived with him more than a couple of months despite his very sexy online dating profiles with trendy outfits and cool tattoos.

      3. BoobooAnonymous*

        I ageee it is gendered, but more due to socialization than some innate women love cleaning and men don’t. And yes to some degree you do have to accept different levels- I don’t micromanage how my husband cleans, or how he manages some of his own areas (his car for example). But anyone who sees their partner drowning and isn’t motivated to acknowledge “hey I don’t care about ______, but it would mean a lot to my partner if I vacuumed more” or what have you, is pretty heartless and cruel. This isn’t so much about the chores per se, but more along the lines of intentionally inflicting stress and harm on someone which is pretty nasty. :/

      4. Screw this*

        I’m incredibly surprised you chose to respond this way.

        Don’t marry them? You have no idea what the cleanliness levels were like before we were married. Our place was never like this. And

        ” If two people have different levels of cleanliness standards, and one person will resent doing more than they otherwise would, and the other person would resent doing more than what they feel is “their fair share”, then this will not be conducive to a harmonious living arrangement. ”

        And your response to this is “don’t marry them”, not “have respect for your spouse”? I’m not asking for spotlessness. Not by a long shot. I’m asking to not have crap piled on top of crap piled on top of crap because he decided he just didn’t have to try after we got married. Yes, two people with different levels of cleanliness standards will not be conducive to a harmonious living arrangement. But that doesn’t mean that couples have to just default to whoever’s messiest and have no standard higher than they feel like doing, screw the person with the higher standards, they should have magically known before marriage exactly what level of cleanliness the other person was going to uphold for their entire lives.

        Saying “I just don’t care if it’s this messy” wouldn’t fly with roommates, why the hell would it fly with a spouse. You still have to be aware of the fact that you’re really frustrating your spouse, causing extra work for them, and making the place they live worse for them to live in.

        1. Reba*

          Screw this, you might appreciate–or even get your spouse to read!–the blog Must Be This Tall To Ride. Start with the post “My Wife Left me because I Left Dishes By the Sink.” It’s the story of how he realizes it isn’t about the dishes.

        2. Dan*

          Honestly, yes. I was speaking more in the general sense than specifically to you, but your husband is an ass above and beyond blowing off his week to vacuum for months on end. He just wasn’t the one who posted here.

          All in all, I’ve seen enough people post on how their SO is a slob and they can’t stand it, to the point where I think the answer is either “get a maid” or “get a divorce”. If the less clean spouse won’t even discuss a maid, *that* is a much bigger problem than differences in cleaning standards.

          As far as roommates go, well one solution for messy people is to live alone.

    11. Saskia*

      I’m so sorry your husband hasn’t made any changes to his behaviour when you are on chemo. That’s appalling, it’s incomprehensibly poor partnering.

      You may like this post from 2013 for its advice and comments:
      https://captainawkward.com/2013/08/22/506-507-it-is-2fucking0fucking1fucking3-so-why-is-it-so-hard-to-divide-up-household-chores/

      My ex has a lot of similarities to your current husband. I strongly advise you to seek some counselling for yourself if you have the energy and emotional resources available to you. This doesn’t go away on its own. Your husband is showing you over and over that he doesn’t care enough about your wellbeing to improve his behaviour.

      All the best for your treatment.

    12. LilySparrow*

      If he doesn’t have enough self-respect to not want to live in a sty, or even preserve his damage deposit, then there is very little chance he can summon up the motivation to care for your needs either.

      You said your marriage is great in other respects, but I’m having a hard time imagining what other respects there are that don’t involve a lot of wilful ignoring. You’re on chemo (fatigue, illness, compromised immune system, right?) and he won’t wipe food off the floor or take out the garbage?

      That is not stereotypical “guy with lower cleaning standards.” That is hardcore mean and nasty. Please go see a relationship counselor, at the very least.

    13. MissDisplaced*

      My hubs is this way as well (a slob!) who won’t even make the bed so you have my sympathy. You will never change them.
      Best case is to hire a cleaning service or get used to living in mess if you can’t clean yourself.

    14. Courageous cat*

      Yeah, this is about to be the breaking point with me and my boyfriend. I don’t think he realizes that when it comes to housework, there’s only two options: Courageous cat does it, or he does it. There isn’t a magical third “let it be/it’ll get done somehow someday by someone”. And he seems to think that when he doesn’t pick “he does it”, that possibly it just goes to “let it be/it’ll get done somehow someday by someone” and he can evade responsibility by just not caring much about it.

      He doesn’t realize that *every* time he chooses not to do it, he is actively choosing “Courageous cat does it”. Every time. And it’s definitely made me think twice about what makes an active partner in a relationship vs a passive partner. My life is supposed to be easier with him in it, not harder.

      1. BoobooAnonymous*

        He doesn’t realize that *every* time he chooses not to do it, he is actively choosing “Courageous cat does it”

        THIS SO MUCH!!

    15. Thlayli*

      Honestly I think you will inevitably break up unless this changes. If you want to give it another chance then I would recommend counselling or mediation to address the issue. But a man who lets his wife do all the housework when she is on chemo (?!) is probably so far gone there is no hope.

    16. Screw This*

      Thanks for your advice, everyone. I’ll see what I can do, usually any progress I make is very, very temporary, and as soon as I’m like “oh god, things are finally being taken care of” he puts up his feet for months because he thinks he needs a cookie for doing ANYTHING

      1. anon for this one*

        I don’t understand your “I love him and otherwise everything is great” comment. I mean, it’s like saying “he hits me occasionally but otherwise everything is great.” You’re on CHEMO, for f’s sake. He expects you to clean up his messes (and I’m not talking about his standards being different from yours, I’m talking about him refusing to wash his dishes and using yours instead and being PERFECTLY HAPPY WITH THE FACT THAT YOU ARE NOW WASHING ALL OF THE DISHES EVEN THOUGH (A) HE OBVIOUSLY WANTS CLEAN DISHES AND (B) F-ING CHEMO.

        Sorry. It just makes me angry.

        Anyway. As others have said, this isn’t about different standards, or him not noticing the mess. This is an utter lack of respect for you. So how is the rest of your relationship good?

  69. Anon for this*

    Warning – so this one gets kinda long.

    Last year I went to the optometrist for a routine eye exam and more contacts. The optometrist noticed that my corneas were very cloudy, which was alarming even though my vision was fine. He took away my contacts and had me come back in 2 weeks. There was no improvement, so I was referred to an opthamologist. The opthamologist treated me for four weeks with no improvement, so he referred me to a corneal specialist. The corneal specialist examined me and ran bloodwork and referred me to an opthamologist and corneal specialist at the eye institute. Through all this, I was keeping my mom updated.

    The opthamologist at the eye institute examined me and referred me to a cardiologist for a workup related to a genetic disorder called Tangiers disease. This was when I stopped updating my mom on all things eye related.

    The cardiologist ran many tests and determined that I actually have a genetic disorder called an LCAT deficiency. This causes clouding in the corneas (check!) abnormally low HDL (check!) slight anemia (check!) and protein in the urine (check!) I then got referred to a nephrologist who recommended a low sodium diet and also put me on a low dose of lisinopril. The worry is that eventually I will have kidney damage caused by this enzyme deficiency.

    I did have genetic testing which showed that I had one gene variant that is associated with LCAT deficiency and one gene variant that is unknown at this time.

    So…now I know why my corneas are all cloudy but I never told my mom because I don’t want to worry or upset her. I feel bad that I have this bad news that I ended up with this super rare genetic disorder. My excuses were first that it was the holidays, then we were buying a house and moving, and then…I dunno. I just don’t want to. But now I found out that I can go back to contacts. So what do I do? What do I say? Why do I have to be the bearer of this bad news and no good news?

    1. foolofgrace*

      Are you going to have to tell her eventually? If so, might as well get it over with. She’d probably want to know. She might feel left out when she does find out if you put it off too long.

      1. Anon for this*

        I’m sure she will feel hurt that I didn’t tell her right away, which just adds another layer of guilt for me. I should tell her but I feel very anxious about her reaction.

    2. fposte*

      This sounds like an awful lot of mom-management about a problem that impacts you more than her. Is that a regular thing for you? I certainly don’t think you’re obliged to tell your mom everything about your life, so if you don’t want to, then don’t. (And presumably you’ve told her lots of good news over the years, and it’s not like it’s your job to be only the cheerbringer–or is it?)

      It’s okay for this to be your thing. I understand that as a parent she’d quite likely want to know, but that doesn’t mean you’re obliged to tell her and manage the secondhand emotions as well as your own.

      And I hope it’s all managed beautifully; I wonder if the ability to diagnose some genetic diseases earlier helps long-term by getting things better controlled earlier. I hope that’s how it goes for you.

      1. Anon for this*

        Well, my mom can be a very negative person. And since my dad passed away 10 years ago, I feel like I’ve lost my buffer. Before he passed, we would have big blowout fights and he would be the mediator. One that I remember pretty clearly was that she would tell me that I have no friends. I don’t know how I could handle that type of fight now without my dad there.

        Also, she doesn’t handle health stuff well. She took some nursing classes in college and was a pharmaceutical drug rep for a while, so she has some medical knowledge. When I had a kidney stone, I went to the er, who referred me to a urologist. The urologist couldn’t see me for a week or so and I was still having a lot of pain. I called the urologist offoce and they told me to go to the er. So I went and the er doctor helped me get the pain under control. When I told my mom, she pretty much yelled at me that pain management was not treatment and I needed to see the urologist. Well, I’m pretty sure that if the office told me that the first available appointment was a week out, then I had to wait. I really didn’t understand why she was lecturing me when I was doing all I could. I do know that my mom once found her doctor’s home phone number and called him because she couldn’t get an appointment.

        I feel like that was a lot of venting, so I apologize if it was too much.

        Thanks for the kind words! I hope that this can be managed well too. It was stressful going through this and I spent a lot of time crying.

    3. Queenie*

      When you tell her, can you make the delivery as much of a “just so you know” thing as possible and not go into details about how it’s a specific genetic disorder (if you tell her a name she might google it and freak out) or how you might have kidney damage eventually (you can always tell her that if it actually becomes an issue)?

      Like, “Hey, mom, just so you know that eye problem I was having turned out to be an enzyme deficiency. I’m taking a medication for it now and am able to wear contacts again. I have to be on a low sodium diet, so please keep that in mind when we’re eating together. :)”

      Don’t feel guilty about having only “bad” news and no “good” news. That happens to everyone at some point. And it’s actually good that you got it figured out and can deal with it now.

      1. Ali G*

        This is a good solution. I wish I had taken this approach when I was diagnosed with a rare genetic condition, that 99.9% of the time manifests itself as benign tumors on nerves. Well, the 0.01% have a further genetic mutation (that I do not have) that means the tumors can metastasize and when they do it’s pretty much terminal. I told my mom not to google it because there is a lot of bad info out there and I am lucky enough to live an hour from a research hospital who are experts on my condition. She’s better now, but she called me crying and all crazy saying I was going to die, etc.
        OP – you only need to tell her as much as she might need to know. If you know it will be too much for her, then do what you need to do to manage this. You shouldn’t have to deal with the stress of this and also the stress of managing her emotions.

        1. Anon for this*

          That’s a really good suggestion and really good script! Thank you Queenie and thank you too Ali G for sharing your experience!

    4. Blue Eagle*

      Just because something is true doesn’t mean that you have to say it. You don’t have to tell you mom everything about yourself if it means that you will feel added stress because you have to manage her emotions. It is OK to keep things about yourself private, even from your mom.

      1. Dan*

        Yup. I got diagnosed with a heart condition a few months ago. I talk about it with my dad but not my mom. Why? My mom has memory issues that she absolutely will not talk about with “the kids”. To the point where she wrote us all a letter telling us to F off and the stuff is none of our business. My parents still live together, and I made it clear that if she isn’t talking about her memory, I’m not talking about my cardiology issues.

        What’s really amusing is that my mom’s parents both died of hear attacks at relatively young ages. Yet, my heart issues are more likely related to my dad’s side than my mom’s side. I find the genetic component odd because my mom’s dad died before I was born, and her mom died when I was about 7. My dad’s parents died when I was in my 20’s.

        Point being? Blue Eagle is right, it is not necessary to tell your mom this stuff if you don’t want to. Theere are few things people truly *need* to know.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          That seems to be part of the illness with the memory. They do not talk about it with others, they have to pretend everything is okay. A friend keeps waiting for her spouse to tell the new doc that he has Alzheimer’s. She is amazed that he won’t say it out loud. He probably never will.

          1. Dan*

            My mom is a bit of the opposite. She proudly proclaims how old she is, as if that’s the explanation for her aches, pains, and memory loss. (She’s been doing this for a few years, and she isn’t even 70. She’s the oldest 68 year old that I know.) She’ll then say how this is all completely normal, as all of her friends have similar issues. Dad will quietly point out that all of her friends are in their 80’s.

      2. Anon for this*

        Thank you for the advice! I think maybe I could continue to be a bit vague. The biggest thing is that suddenly I am wearing contacts again which she will definitely notice.

    5. Chaordic One*

      Is this something you might have inherited from one of your parents? Could you have other relatives with the same condition? If so, I think you should probably tell them so they can be tested and, if necessary, receive treatment.

      1. Anon for this*

        Well, I probably inherited it from them. But from what the genetic counselor said it is a recessive trait (I think that’s the word). So both my mom and dad would have to have had been carriers and then I had a 25% chance of being affected. I don’t have any full siblings, only a half brother on my mom’s side. He does have a niece and when I met with the genetic counselor, I asked the chance of my niece being affected and she said it was very, very unlikely. It is such a rare disorder. And really, there’s no actual treatment. I can only manage the symptoms.

        1. ronda*

          I not sure this is all bad news and no good news.

          the good news is you know what it is and are able to apply the treatments that are recommended for it.
          & I am not sure from your description, but it does not sound super life threatening (but maybe I am misunderstanding that)

          So tell her it took lots of extra dr visits but they finally identified it and the treatments are x and y. biggest risk is eventual kidney damage because of w.

  70. Newship*

    Wondering how people feel they contribute equally to a relationship? I’m in a new ship and my partner earns substantially more than I do. We’ve already agreed it’s cool that he picks up the tab when we go out, as that would eat (pun intended) into my grocery budget.

    However, he’s started surprising me with *super lovely* gifts. The thing is though, that I don’t think he’d even consider these things gifts. For instance I’m GF and he found a company that makes really great certified GF foods and ordered a giant box. This to me is very extravagant given my budget, but for him no big deal and is excited to try new foods with me.

    I realize this is not a problem, and super awesome. However, it’s left me wondering how to make him feel special, as there is legitimately no way I can reciprocate in a similar way. I think I’m already a very thoughtful person but I’m wondering if anyone else has experience navigating this? What do you do to ensure your person feels as special as they make you feel?

    1. Ann O.*

      Presumably, your partner is interested in you because what you’re doing already makes him feel special. As best as you can, I wouldn’t worry about it. The gifts are given freely and don’t sound like they’re much of a sacrifice for him. I’m also sure his goal is not to make you feel uncomfortable and in his debt. It’s not healthy for a relationship to be focused on balancing scales in terms of gifts.

    2. Maya Elena*

      Sit back and enjoy; but if you are looking for a way to give back the favor, be generous when he does something that raises your hackles. Meaning – don’t just let all things roll off your back, but be thoughtful about why something bothers you and whether it’s as big a deal before you write him off.

    3. tangerineRose*

      You might be already doing this, but telling him how special he makes you feel can be a great start.

      Are there special homemade meals or something you can make for him or do that he’d enjoy and feel spoiled about?

    4. Melody Pond*

      What are his primary love languages? It does sound like maybe gift-giving might be his first/biggest one, but what comes after that for him? Affectionate touch? Words of affirmation? Acts of service? Quality time?

      I’d find that out, and then look for creative ways to use that love language to show your affection/appreciation. Quality time might be the only one that could involve more money, but there are probably free ways to incorporate quality time, too. The other ones can definitely be done without lots of spending.

      1. Anon101*

        I second love languages! Often times how we give love is how we would like to receive it. Gift giving is one of my love languages, and it can really be as simple and low key as picking up my favorite .99 tea from the store on the way home. They don’t have to be expensive or grand gestures at all.

    5. Dan*

      Can you take him out *anywhere*, ever?

      I have a casual relationship with someone who isn’t well off, and while I’m “cool” picking up the tab when we go out, the feelings of one-sidedness limit my desire to turn “casual’ into something more long term and committed.

      My advice? Cook him dinner every so often, and take him somewhere low key but decent when you can.

      Unless he’s loaded and doesn’t give a shit. But while I earn a good living, I still have the pressures of debt from a divorce and subsequent job loss, student loans, and just the cost of living in a HCOL area. So some recognition every once in awhile would be greatly appreciated.

    6. Almost Academic*

      My partner makes about 6x as much as I do, and was raised in a family with way fewer money problems than mine. It means that he can afford a lot more (read: anything) towards fun outings, gifts, etc. What helped me feel more comfortable with it was a set of ongoing conversations that we’ve had, and promises to reevaluate when I feel like it’s getting to be too much generosity on his side. In terms of feeling like I’m pulling my fair share, it’s hard! Even when he says I’m definitely doing enough, it can be hard to quiet down the $$$ side of my head. What helps me feel like it’s more even, is that I try to step up and manage more of the emotional labor / household side of things. Basically, anything that doesn’t require money, but instead requires time, I try to make it a point to pitch in where I can. Everything from small things like changing sheets (which he hates doing) to picking out the plane tickets for vacation, makes me feel like I’m contributing something to our relationship even when I can’t afford to do so financially. He also is great at recognizing those gestures, and mentions that they make him feel appreciated and cared for as well, so it’s a win-win for us with where we are at now.

    7. LilySparrow*

      Reciprocation isn’t about how much money is spent. If he takes you to a fancy restaurant, make him a fancy meal at home, or take him on a picnic in some beautiful place. If he takes you to an expensive concert, take him to symphony in the park. If he gives you an expensive gift, give him a book you think he’d love.

      My folks were never rich, just middle class. But my mom’s family had terrible financial struggles and saw them as rich by comparison. Some of our cousins became so wracked with inferiority that we couldn’t enjoy each others’ company because they were always either apologizing for their appearance/ clothes/ food/ existence, or snapping at each other about acting “low-class”. When they were neater, cleaner, more fashionable, and more mannerly than we usually were. Nobody could relax because they were so consumed with judging and comparing.

      Money is not a measure of personal value. If it’s a good relationship, don’t let insecurities over income get in the way.

      1. Thursday Next*

        I love this response—the first and last lines are outstanding.

        I think some things will be different in a dating relationship vs. a partnership, but doing anything for your significant other that shows you’ve been attentive to who they are is a form of reciprocation. So if you’re dating someone who loves exotic chocolates, and you pass a great shop, picking up one or two interesting chocolates shows you’ve listened to who they are and thought about them during your day.

        I am the planner in my marriage. I have been since we started dating, through years where I made more, where we made the same, and now when I’m not working at all. He hates planning; I love it and am good at it. So I do it—everything from vacations to kids’ birthday parties and summer camp selection.

        My love language, btw, is acts of service. Someone else pointed out that the language we use is the one we prefer, so it would be great to figure out what your significant other’s language is.

    8. kb*

      Contribute financially when you can, but don’t feel pressured to spend a lot to keep up. Sometimes, if you have quite a bit of money, it’s easier to cover costs for friends and loved ones rather than trying to make friends with other people with money. I love my friends and want to experience things with them, so I’m okay covering their costs sometimes if it’s something I really want to do.

      I don’t know where you’re from, but there are usually so many wonderful free and low-cost date and gift ideas that get overlooked by a lot of people. You mention being a really thoughtful person, so I would continue doing that– come up with really thoughtful date and gift ideas. I’ve received one really extravagant gift that meant a lot to me, but most of the ones that made me tear up were low-cost, but well-thought. It would be cool to meet someone who could fly me to Santorini on a whim, but they guy I dated who woke up early to come over and clear my driveway after a snowstorm has a piece of my heart forever. Honestly, just be there for him everyday, in all the big and small ways. Great companionship is worth a fortune.

    9. Thlayli*

      I once dated a guy who earned a lot leSs than me. What we decided on was to take it in turns to pay for dates – when I paid we went t nice restaurants and out for a drink/dancing. When he paid we would go somewhere he had vouchers for or eat in his or go do something free / cheap. It worked. He also used to do nice things for me that didn’t cost much – for example he made me some paper flowers once and he used to buy me kinder eggs because he knew I liked making things. It’s possible to find cheap ways to show someone they are special.

    10. Gaia*

      Here’s how I see this: if he was doing things that didn’t cost a lot you’d love that, right? I bet you would. And I bet he would love it if you did the same. As you get to know him, find something you can do for him that is little to no financial cost but takes effort and thought. You can also reciprocate in other ways. If he takes you out to dinner a lot, plan a special dinner at home and cook his favorite meal for him. Tell him how much you appreciate everything he does. A sincere thank you is so rare these days – it makes it very meaningful.

  71. all aboard the anon train*

    Going to see Janelle Monae in concert tonight. I have third row seats and I’m SO EXCITED.

    I’m going solo since no one I knew wanted to go, and I’m surprisingly okay with this. I thought I’d be more upset about it, but I knew I had to force myself to go solo so I didn’t regret missing out.

    1. annakarina1*

      That’s awesome! I’m a big fan of her, and I hope you have a great time there!

    3. LuJessMin*

      I go to concerts by myself all the time. People at concerts are friendly. At Tesla/Foreigner/Def Leppard a few years back, the singer for Foreigner told everyone to put their arms around someone for “I Wanna Know What Love Is”, and the guy next to me put his left arm around his wife and then put his right arm out for me. It was a great concert.

  72. Jessen*

    Mental health and life-at-home fun!

    I’m working really really hard on telling myself it does not matter how easy things are or are not for other people, or if I feel like I should be able to manage something, if I’m not actually making progress. And the corollary, people who struggle with basic skills are not inferior as persons.

    The big issue here is that I do not have an organized bone in my body. I always feel like organizational tips are written for…organized people. (My favorite – “if you want to remember something, put it on top of your keys.” Yeah, there’s always something on top of my keys.) I know the basic rules, put things away right away, put things you need close at hand, but they never really seemed to work for me. I also struggle with reminders – a given reminder system usually only works for at most a week before my brain relegates it to background noise.

    I’m a single woman in a teensy studio apartment with a full-time job, a very patient cat, and a longer commute than ideal. No dishwasher and no onsite laundry. So I’m wondering if the various honored guests of AAM have any advice on organization for those of us who still have trouble with things like making sure the trash is in the can and the laundry in the bin rather than whether our curtains match?

    1. Queenie*

      I’m one of those organized people, but I have other basic skills I struggle with, so I can still sympathize. :(

      Maybe you can make a short checklist of basic things to do each night, every odd day, or every weekend? (Clean dishes, gather laundry, fill trashcan, throw out junk mail, etc.). To-do lists are very helpful to me for making sure I get basic things done in certain time periods, and it feels like I accomplished something as I check stuff off.

      Or is there something you can do to make the tasks more convenient? Like, if you only have one trash can right now, could you buy a couple smaller ones to spread out in your apartment? (I have a trash can in every room of my house because I’m too lazy to walk a few yards to throw stuff out.) Or if your laundry bin isn’t right where you get changed, move it there? (Mine is right next to my bed since there’s where I get undressed. Very convenient to just drop the clothes in.)

      1. Jessen*

        Honestly, lists never worked for me. I have to make the list, and then I have to remember that I made the list…and things generally don’t make it past that. One of the major problems is that notes and reminders to myself do not work at all. I can put a to-do list up somewhere, but once I get distracted that all fades and it mentally turns into another annoying bit of clutter to move to get to what I was doing.

        The other problem is -it’s not that I’m not good at knowing what needs to be done. It’s that it’s so incredibly difficult to get things done in ways that don’t make more problems and I feel like I’m generating messes to deal with faster than I have the energy to deal with them. A lot of times when I try to organize at the end of it I look and I realize all I’ve done is generated a different mess in a different spot. I’m spending large amounts of energy on trying to do organizational tasks and I’m realizing that I’m getting very little return compared to the energy.

        1. Queenie*

          Have you ever been on the Unfu*k Your Habitat website? I saw mentions of it several times and when I finally read through the website out of curiosity it seemed to have a lot of good tips for keeping things under control even when life stuff gets in the way. The creator has a nice down-to-earth/realistic attitude about it and I could relate to a lot of the advice.

          1. Jessen*

            I’ve looked at the website, but most of it seemed to amount to “you should develop <>.” And a lot of it doesn’t work – like, I know it would be ideal for me to put laundry away immediately upon getting home, but when I have tried to do that I literally end up in a ball of stress on the floor because I just washed this and now I have to put all of it away and I still need to eat something tonight and take a shower and it is just TOO MUCH.

            1. AvonLady Barksdale*

              Try to look at every task in 10- or 15-minute increments. Even if it doesn’t get completely done. Need to put the laundry away? Set a timer for 15 minutes and whatever isn’t put away, you leave until the next day. Need to sort through your papers? Set a timer for 15 minutes. Reward yourself when it’s done. You can do anything for 15 minutes, and when those 15 minutes are done, it’s over.

              1. Jessen*

                I get the idea, but I tend to have a lot of issues in practice.

                One is that there ends up being a lot of task chaining in things that most people don’t seem to think about. Doing the laundry is a task. I don’t have the energy when I get back to ALSO immediately launch into putting it away. I’m tired and I just want to sit down and look at something that isn’t a washing machine, and that extra 15 minutes is definitely too much. By the time my energy has recharged, there are probably other things to get done.

                The other in general is that 15 minute bursts for me tend to suffer from the same problem of “I have spent energy and not made progress.” Great, I’ve cleaned for 15min, but now things are scattered because I had to move them for cleaning, and they’ll need picking up too, but I can’t put them back on the area I just cleaned up, so they just end up in a pile and I have made 0 net progress.

                1. Queenie*

                  I actually do most of my laundry and “big” cleaning on the weekends because I’m too tired to do it after I get home from work and prepare/eat dinner. So I can understand not being able to deal with it on work nights.

                  But you’re talking a lot about not having the energy to do tasks. Are you doing too much overtime at work, or maybe you have health issues that cause fatigue?

                  Do you have too much stuff and dealing with the stuff is too taxing? I’ve been getting rid of a lot of stuff since January. I don’t think I’ll ever be a minimalist, but reducing my amount of stuff has made it easier for me to be organized and I have more free time because I spend less time cleaning and caring for the stuff.

                2. Jessen*

                  The health issues are a distinct possibility, but so far any treatment hasn’t done much other than generate lots of side effects.

                  I’m also coming to realize in the last, really, about 6 months, that my family of origin was actually pretty badly messed up. I know when I talked as a kid about having trouble with organizational skills, the answer was something along the lines of “Oh, so you’re such a special little snowflake that the methods that work for everyone else somehow don’t work for poor little you?” Unsurprisingly, this did not result in me learning life skills. (Did I mention I was homeschooled?)

                  So I’m 30 years old. I’ve gotten a lot better at having a healthy relationship with my own emotions. Which means I’m now in the place where I feel like I can start working on tasks like trying to put in some sort of permanent organization without ending up in a little crying ball of why am I so worthless I fail at adulting forever. But I still don’t actually have much of a skillset at general life management, and it’s harder to put that in place when you’re having to work full time and pay your bills and get your own food and all that.

                3. Jessen*

                  Bah, think the spam filter ate my last comment.

                  Tl;dr – I don’t find a medical reason for fatigue right now.

                  I’m getting to the point where I’m realizing there were some serious problems with my family growing up, and that resulted in a mindset where if strategies for life didn’t work, it was because I was lazy or stupid. I learned how to perform tasks, but I never learned how to really manage keeping myself together. I just assumed it was a thing adults did automatically and if I didn’t it was because I was a defective person.

                  I’m realizing that’s not true. I’m doing a lot better with my emotions, and I’ve hit the point where I can quiet the brain weasels down enough to work on adding those skills in. But it’s hard to do that with a job and a life to manage.

            2. MamaCat*

              I have a “spot” that I put clean laundry until I feel that can be my 15 minute task for that room. Maybe a hamper with a lid to keep the cats out? Or a special box, or whatever. Mine is the guest bed, but I don’t have any pets who would sleep on the clothes. ;-)

              1. Jessen*

                Honestly at this point I just have a clean hamper and a dirty hamper. I am aware that is not ideal. It’s also not high on the priority list. At least this way nothing’s getting stepped on and I am clearly aware of what’s clean.

                1. MamaCat*

                  Heh, and I realized putting laundry away is a lot faster if I don’t fold it. It’s getting wrinkled on the bed anyway, at least it’s faster to find if it’s put away.

                3. Thursday Next*

                  But that’s fine! Leaving clean clothes in the dryer is also fine (except for things you’re worried about wrinkling).

                  I think a lot of it is deciding what you’re okay with, and deciding to be okay with certain things, like clean but unfolded clothes.

                  Baskets or bins for coralling things can be helpful. I have a basket of Things That Sometimes Travel in My Purse, for instance. I don’t put those items away individually, but I know where they are when I need them.

                  Think about how you would classify things, not how Real Simple would, and what receptacles you’d need for them. For instance, I have a basket full of papers I consider my “active paperwork” under my desk. They’re sorted with bright post-its dividing them. Ideally I’d file them, but then I’d think of them as “completed” rather than “in progress,” so maybe the basket is better.

                  Magazines all over the counter are better than crumbs on the floor, so I’ll focus on cleaning up the latter rather than the former.

          2. Jessen*

            Those brackets should contain the words “habit I’ve been trying to develop unsuccessfully for a decade.” I may know I should put trash in the trash can, but that never seems to translate to a thing that happens and I’ve never had a good way to make it do so.

      2. Melody Pond*

        Oh, also – you don’t mention whether you have a lot of stuff, but I think living with the absolute minimum amount of “stuff” necessary would probably help with both organization and stress levels about the organization. Minimum possible amount of clothing items, utensils, dishes, linens, books, accessories, etc. So to whatever degree you can – get rid of stuff!

        1. Jessen*

          Slowly working on that part. I’ve also been dividing my dishes into “company dishes” and “me dishes.” Company dishes only come out if there’s company.

          That was an old rule we had in grad school – each person gets 1 set of eating dishes. If they’re dirty, you wash them before next meal. It prevented roommate arguments because there were only so many dishes that could get piled up.

    2. Canadian Natasha*

      So I’m also a messy/disorganised at home person and one thing that helped a bit for me was sitting down and thinking about the specific types of mess I get in each area of my home and wht I could try to reduce the accumulation. For example, my coffee table would get covered with crap (paper garbage, books, dishes, etc). I didn’t have a nearby trash can. Once I bought a trash can to keep in the living room, it made me a lot more likely to just toss the paper in there instead of piling it on my table.

      1. Jessen*

        I am working on that slowly! I’m putting in more trash bins, and I got an outside light (I don’t like taking out the trash at night because it’s very dark and the lights don’t turn on until I’m about 6 feet away from my door). Also looking for a table or pursehook for the door – pursehook is probably smarter.

        I do have a cat, so one has to assume that small items placed on flat surfaces may not be on the same flat surfaces later on. Especially if (1) they look like toys, or (2) they’re on top of where the cat wants to sit. Hooks are usually better for anything that can’t be taped down.

    3. Melody Pond*

      Not having a dishwasher definitely helps mess accumulate faster… Do you have a kitchen sink, with counter space next to it?

      When I lived in a studio apartment without a dishwasher, I was delighted to discover that countertop dishwashers are a thing that exist. We bought the SPT one from Amazon for about $230, and it was worth every penny, just to not have to wash every single piece of silverware by hand.

      The dimensions are: 21.65 x 19.69 x 17.24 in. You really do need at least 17.25″ of vertical space between your counter and the tops of any cupboards above. But – totally worth it. Made life so much easier.

      Here’s a short Amazon link:
      http://a.co/4qS3gKI

      1. Jessen*

        Kitchen sink, yes. Countertop, not really. Spare $200+, definitely not. I’m trying to manage medical bills on a 30k a year job and a bullcrap high deductible plan that is somehow more expensive than paying out of pocket. Dropping a few hundred dollars on this or that is just not something I can do – I need that money to pay rent and put gas in my car and keep buying my meds.

    4. Earthwalker*

      I have a personal rule that while the tea water is heating I have to clean up the kitchen. When it’s ready I can stop and enjoy my tea. Is there anything you normally stand around waiting for that you can use as a timer for doing some tidying?

    5. MamaCat*

      Timers. Timers are amazing. I have timers for 15 minutes in each room. Doesn’t matter what I clean in there, I just have to do something for 15 minutes, and then I move on. I also set up patterns for myself: before I take off my shoes from getting home, I have to water the plants. I also use Habitica, and get points for whatever I choose I should get points for. This all makes me sound really organized, but it’s really a coping mechanism for ADHD. Oh, and I always keep my keys in the same place. Is my house clean? Heck no, but at least I can get it visitor-ready in a few hours rather than a few days like it used to be.

      1. MamaCat*

        Just read your replies about how 15 minute intervals don’t work for you: might I recommend housewifehowtos dot com. She makes lists on how exactly to clean each room in your house; I disregard her “put everything that doesn’t belong in that room in a bag to deal with later” because later never comes for me. I just pile the stuff by room and at least pile it in the correct room. I figure I’ll deal with it when it’s that room’s turn. But the rest of the advice is golden.

        1. Jessen*

          Hah, I think we crossposted.

          I should add the disclaimer that the rooms here are “bathroom” and “main room.” That said, it does kinda have zones. So there’s a rough bedroom zone that contains the bed and most of the storage. The part by the door is combined entryway, workspace, and eating space. And then there’s that little square of a kitchen at the end.

          I have actually had more luck with putting things in a box/bag, simply because the space is so small. Much of the problem with the 15min tasks for me is that, with a space this tiny, it’s almost impossible to work around an unfinished task. That leads to a lot of problems where I start organizing one area, but the stuff has to go somewhere and there’s other stuff there so that has to move and it just hits a cascade and it all ends up back in a pile because I have to put it somewhere when I’m too tired and want to be able to go to the bathroom the next morning without tripping.

          1. MamaCat*

            Well, then something that might work for me in that situation would be to pick an area, have a bag, and go “everything that’s kitchen related that’s on the eating area will go in the bag, which I will then move to the kitchen area when the bag is full or when all kitchen things are off the eating area, whichever is first. If I have the energy, I will put it away; if not, this will be my household task for tomorrow: cleaning and putting away the kitchen stuff.” I would aim for one maintenance task and one “make it cleaner” task, so maybe wash some dishes and fill/empty a bag, but laundry day is your “make it cleaner” task for the day, and the next day it’s “putting away laundry.” Why the heck is housework so energy-intensive for something that really shouldn’t be much work? It’s super annoying, and I get exactly where you are.

            1. MamaCat*

              Sorry if I’m getting too into this; sometimes I’m very Hermione Granger with the “pick me! I know the answer! Pick me, pick me!” I’ve just managed to cobble together a system that I’ve mostly stuck to for the past few months, which is amazing if you know me.

      2. Jessen*

        My main problem tends to be that when I do something for 15min, I find I have spent 15min of energy, but what I’ve actually accomplished is spending 15min relocating a mess from one spot to another spot, or gotten rid of one mess and created a new mess. I understand the 15min approach, but for me it seems to result in a large amount of wasted energy that I’m really not sure how to direct into something that gets things done. I also have a problem with habit chains resulting in nothing getting done, because I know I need to do X before I do Y and that just means neither X nor Y happen.

        I would be 100% unsurprised if I had ADHD (there’s been off-and-on noises made by professionals on that matter), but me and the mental health system get along very poorly.

        1. MamaCat*

          One 15 minute task I’ve had luck with is “throw away obvious trash.” It’s amazing how much cleaner an area looks when it’s just clutter.

        2. MamaCat*

          One other thing: check out How to ADHD (YouTube channel), along with searching for adhd tips and tricks for cleaning; even if y’all don’t have adhd, some of the tips might help. (I’m undiagnosed, so I hear you on the whole mental health system annoyances)

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Your post lands on laundry and trash.
      One reason why these things don’t get put in the laundry/trash is because the laundry bin or trash bin is not big enough. If the bin is already full, it’s just another chore to empty it before tossing that item out. Interestingly, one book I read about managing clutter the author said consistently she found that people with a lot of clutter had tiny garbage cans. My theory was that it’s easy to underestimate how fast trash collects.

      It seems like you have tried a lot of things and nothing is working. So my question to you is, do you see cleaning up the clutter as rewarding? If no, then that might be the problem right there. If you clean/organize your place will that make your life or your home better?

      Sometimes clutter is a symptom not the actual problem. You sound like you are tired and maxed out. Maybe that is the problem that actually needs to be resolved. Get a handle on the fatigue and the house chores will fall into place also.

      2. Jessen*

        Yes, I’m fatigued, but there is really not much I can do about that. There’s simply nothing I can cut out of my life, and there doesn’t seem to be any sort of medical condition that anyone can find. And any time we’ve tried poking into mental health stuff it pretty much instantly results in my life entering a massive death spiral. Not going down that road again, I can’t risk it.

        Right now the clutter is the bit I have the most control over. Having to move mess around to live my life is not helping my fatigue. The fly problem I got because they laid eggs on the old cat food in the trash definitely did not help (I did eventually manage to trap them all). I can also tell it’s impacting my diet and sleep, because the kitchen is such a mess and I have so many things that I really need to do before going to bed.

        I have a lot of inherited guilt. My family’s way of handling things pretty much amounted to assuming I was lying if I expressed any difficulty with things. I definitely picked up the idea that there was a way to do things, and if it didn’t work it’s because I was lazy/stupid/incompetent. So I’d say up to this point my attempts at organization have mostly amounted to trying REALLY REALLY HARD at the same methods.

        It’s a fairly new idea for me that if the things aren’t working I can try other things to accomplish goals, rather than trying harder because only a worthless person wouldn’t be able to make this work. Maybe I should have learned that earlier in life. Doesn’t much matter now. But it means I’m trying as an adult to go back and pick up skills while keeping an adult life running, and it can be pretty rough.

        1. MamaCat*

          You’re definitely not the only person who struggles with what should be easy tasks. My mom ended up being a hoarder, and I flat-out never *learned* how to clean. I still struggle with them, though I’m getting better in fits and starts. The huge thing that helped me is to break it down. Can’t clean the trash off the counter because the bin is full? Take out the trash and replace the bag; it doesn’t matter if you can’t get to the counter today, because you did your big thing. If you can get to the counter on the same day? Woo! Two big things done! Give yourself victories, no matter how small or stupid-seeming.

        2. Not So NewReader*

          Just from my own life, in the process of sorting my clutter I found I had to sort out my thinking also.
          Here’s why:
          Clutter reflects indecision. I have found this thought to be helpful. Each item out of place represents a decision that has not been made yet.

          We have to decide what is important to us and what is not. Everything cannot be of number one importance. Ugh. So where to go from here. I landed on the rule of if I have not used it in two years I am not using it so out it goes. If it’s broken and I cannot get it fixed, bye-bye. If it causes me to feel sad or gives me an empty sense of longing, I sell it and put the money into something I am keeping.

          From your own description you have a tough job with a long drive. Yep, you are going to be exhausted every day. That is the way life is for you. So you and your tired brain go to the default of “beating you up” and the results are not positive at all. And lead to more exhaustion. Which also makes sense, we can’t beat a dog into loving us. Likewise we can’t beat ourselves into loving our lives.

          You can learn to talk nicely to yourself. (If you wouldn’t say it to a friend you can’t tell yourself that thing either.)
          Figure out how to refuel/recharge. This can mean anything from diet- prepackaged salads, vitamins, protein drinks, electrolytes and so on. Maybe you need to sleep better at night so that would be worthwhile looking into. Maybe yoga is for you or something spiritual or maybe just reading positive materials.

          Lists did not work for me either. I ended up assigning tasks to certain days. Saturday was groceries. Sunday was run my anti-everything ware on my computer. I found I could keep track of tasks that way. Since food and clothes are a high turnover item, I decided I would rather do a little bit each day than spend a whole day cooking or ironing clean clothes. In terms of cleaning my baseline was bathroom and kitchen. I thought that those are the two areas that absolutely need to be clean for health reasons.

          Currently I like to do some clean up around the house before work. It’s nice to come home to something that has been straightened up. Many days all I can do is 15 minutes, so I do that. The effect is cumulative.

          I tend to agree that revisiting your childhood will not help that much right now. You need an action plan right now. I think practical/actionable advice is a good route to seek. If an idea does not work, drop it like a hot potato. Look for the next idea.

          Can I just say your family has me sputtering. Something doesn’t work because you are lazy, stupid, incompetent?? Really? Reality is that workers, intelligent people, competent folks, are sophisticated enough to realize that this is a superficial answer designed to help the person saying it to be lazy, stupid and incompetent. (sputter, sputter) Intelligent, competent, working people KNOW for a fact that everything in life takes work and application of one’s self at all times. There are no free rides. Your family sounds rigid, people who struggle in life can be rigid. It could be that they believe they need to be rigid to survive. The fact is that people who can flex usually make out better in life. Tell yourself you want to flex more so you can grab opportunities and weave a different life for yourself.

          1. Jessen*

            My family was a toxic mess, and I’m learning lately that I need to question a lot of the mental scripts I picked up.

            I would say most of the clutter is resulting from the lack of some sort of system to keep things going. There’s a lot of trash and recycling that pile up; laundry and dishes sit; groceries and cat food end up on the counter. Most things that really need to be stored and gotten out on occasion are actually ok; it’s the accumulation of trash and the management of stuff that has to be used regularly that’s the problem.

      3. Jessen*

        Honestly, now that I think about it – the biggest problem I have with trash and recycling is that I have extremely gregarious neighbors who seem to always be outside. They’re nice enough, but I work a customer service job, and usually at the end of the day that means taking the trash out involves More Social Interaction and I will definitely avoid doing it just so I don’t have to deal with the friendly helpful neighbors.

        I’m not really sure how to fix that one. They’re not really doing anything wrong, but it’s very hard for me to keep saying no I don’t want to be social right now and I feel like there’s no way to say “I would literally rather tear my hair out right now than spend time being social with the nicest people in the entire world.”

        1. Jean (just Jean) who is very, very tired*

          Hmmm. Can you figure out a time to do trash and recycling that
          – is NOT a time when your neighbors are around (might be difficult because you described them as “seem to always be outside”)
          – is still a good time for you?

          Or, can you adjust your pre-work routine to include taking out the trash and/or recycling? This way you have the built-in excuse of “Gotta go to work now! Have a great day!”

          If you feel bad about never having time with the neighbors, make deliberate plans to meet them for coffee once a month or something.

    7. Aquablue*

      I too struggle with being tidy and organized. (My parents are pack rats and with the exception of teaching me how to wash dishes and do laundry, they didn’t pass down any tips or knowledge on being organized or clean. Everything I know is from the internet or my friends.)

      I noticed down-thread that you mentioned sometimes you spend time moving a pile from one spot in the apartment to the next. I have this problem too. Do you have a friend who is tidy and who you feel comfortable enough to ask that they come over and help you organize so you have a place for each thing/things? Years ago, my best friend did this with me. (She is super neat and her place is always immaculate.)

      She went through my entire place and all my piles meticulously. She asked me questions like “where is this supposed to go?” or “What is this?” and “Do you really need this?” It quickly became apparent that one big reason why I had trouble keeping my place clean was that I didn’t know where things went. I’d just casually put things wherever was empty. With her help, in the end, every thing had its proper place so I could put it back rather than dumping it in some random drawer or space. I could’ve done it on my own but I knew my best friend had tons of great suggestions on how to organize (so I felt I’d get done faster) and having a friend during the process made it enjoyable. I’m not saying you can’t do it on your own but my approach to many things is “if someone else has done [xyz] before and is willing to help me, I see no point in reinventing the wheel.”

      Some tips that helped me to organize on my own:

      -Things you use daily or frequently should be easily accessible. For example – I have a clear, shallow vase that sits atop my dresser. That vase is where I put my keys and wallet. Nothing else goes in there. Since the vase/dresser is right next to the door of my bedroom, it’s very easy to spot and it’s handy in the sense that the moment I walk into my bedroom, the vase is right there and I just plop my keys and/or wallet into the vase. I don’t put the vase on my desk even though the desk is only a few feet away b/c sometimes I am so absent-minded, in the few seconds it takes to walk to my desk, I’ve put my key somewhere else like my purse, pocket, wherever.

      I use my blender alot but I was never putting it away and it was taking up valuable counter space. (My kitchen is so small that if the blender is permanently on the counter, I barely have room to prep meals.) I realized I never put the blender away b/c its designated spot (at the time) was deep inside a bottom shelf of a cabinet. Every single time I had to put the blender away, I had to pull out all my pots and pans first and THEN put away the blender. I was able to rearrange things so now it’s on a shelf that is above the counter. I’ve gotten a lot better about putting the blender away.

      -Try to gather things into piles that have a common purpose and then find a container for them. The container doesn’t have to be fancy. I have tons of highlighters, sharpies and pens that I just rubber-banded together. I have 2 bundles of highlighters, 3 bundles of pens, 1 bundle of sharpies. They’re in a desk drawer but b/c they’re rubber-banded together, it’s a lot easier to grab the one I want and the inside of the drawer doesn’t look like a zoo.

      Same with post-it notes. I just gathered them all up and put them in a ziploc bag. Those are in another desk drawer.

      I’m bad with mail so I wall-mounted a clear document case/holder right next to my computer monitor. I put the mail that I need to do something about (bills, etc) there so I can easily see it. Since it’s not on my desk, the mail doesn’t get buried under other stuff.

      -If you have a computer and if you can, I would suggest wall-mounting your computer monitor. About 2 years ago, my hubby decided to do this. I didn’t think it would make a difference but it does, at least for us. We have more desk space now, which we love. When the desk is clean, the whole setup looks super clean and minimalist.

      -Before I go to bed, I go to the living room + kitchen and throw away any trash. For me, throwing away small trash like wrappers or envelopes is instant gratification. The living room and kitchen look better and it usually only takes me a few minutes (if that) to do.

      -I’d like to 2nd the suggestion about getting bigger trash cans. Initially, I got super small trash cans for the bathrooms and I was constantly throwing away the bathroom trash. It.drove.me.crazy. And…I was letting trash pile up. (I know. GROSS!) I got bigger trash cans. Spending less time emptying the trash cans actually made it easier to find the mental energy to do it. (I hope I make sense on that one..)

      -I’m not a morning person and I hate getting ready. I try to do as much as I can the night before b/c I found I have more energy or tolerance to do it at night rather than in the morning. I have my purse ready the night before, get a reasonable idea of what I’ll pack for lunch, etc. And because I’m not rushing to do this, I’m not rummaging through stuff in the morning and potentially creating a mess that I have to clean later.

      For me, there is usually a reason for why I don’t clean or organize a specific thing and if I give myself enough time to think and if I’m honest with myself, I can usually figure it out. In the case of the blender, it was due to the fact that it was initially stored in a spot that was a total pain-in-the-ass to get to. For the bathroom trash, I wasn’t emptying it b/c the trash cans were too small. I hated cleaning the bathroom sink b/c all my cleaning supplies were in the kitchen. It felt like a hassle to grab everything and schlep them to the bathroom. I decided “to hell with it” and got each bathroom their own set.

      1. Jessen*

        The only danger with trash cans is I have developed a case of trash can maggots before. So we need to try to not do that again.

        I actually ordered a little outside light. That’s been one big problem with taking out the trash – I get home late and it’s dark and I don’t have a porch light. I don’t want to go out there because it’s so dark and I can’t see where I’m going.

        I don’t have a separate table versus desk area. It’s all one small table (think the ones you find in coffee shops for 2). That might be another avenue of attack – maybe a tv tray beside it with some trays? Point is it’s an area that gets cluttered really really quickly just because of the lack of extra space combined with the multiple uses.

        I have a laptop only for computer, no desktop.

    8. Overeducated*

      I am like this too and I have two thoughts, both of which come down to “give yourself a break.”

      1) Part of the problem may just be space in a studio – I find it harder to keep a tiny space with minimal storage clean than a bigger place with places to hide clutter. Less stuff helps but in terms of clutter, there is a difference between actual mess and stuff that’s visible because there’s no oit of the way place for it. Paring down stuff is a huge task in itself, though, I find it only happens once a year because it takes hours to sort and then trips to get rid of stuff.

      2) It is hard to put away everything right away in the midst of a work week with a long commute and frankly i find it not feasible or desirable to do on a daily basis. Honestly who cares if clean laundry sits in the basket all week, as long as you hang or iron anything that might wrinkle? Maybe just focus on the things that bug you most and relax your standard on other stuff.

      3) Systems matter but the same systems don’t work for everyone. For me, “every day do 10 minute” type stuff is no good, but physical proximity making things easier helps. For instance, I hate when papers clutter up my kitchen table but don’t ever manage to sort them, pay bills, send out mail, etc daily. So I got a small fabric bin, put it on a shelf, and…pile my unsorted papers there to deal with later. I am still disorganized but the table is free. Maybe you need more or bigger trash cans or to have a laundry bin right where you usually change, for instance? Or even a laundry bin under the bed so it’s out of sight?

      1. Jessen*

        Honestly I’ve not even worried about wrinkles in laundry. I typically pick out my clothing the night before and hang it in the bathroom. A spraybottle the night before generally gets wrinkles out of everyday clothes.

        You’re definitely right about the studio not helping. Clutter is really noticeable because of the small space. The furniture tends to be small too because if ti’s big there’s nowhere to put it. There’s “put away neatly” and “in the middle of everything”, there are no corners where things can be out but not in the way.

    9. Jillociraptor*

      Hello, kindred spirit. I have a major Complex about how bad I am at keeping my household tidy. I was a messy kid, a messy teen, a messy young adult, and I remain a messy actual adult. I am reporting to you live from 6:00am Pacific time where I am googling images of well-organized kitchen cabinets, probably in vain. Here are a few things that have helped me.

      One, just throw out every article about “how tidy people keep their spaces clean.” We are not tidy people. I intellectually recognize that if I did the dishes immediately after dinner, they wouldn’t pile up. But I am just not going to do that unless I have guests in my house who I need to trick into thinking I am capable of this kind of thing. I’m a hard Myers Briggs J (i.e. strong emphasis on closure and order), and there is no difference for be between doing half the dishes and doing zero dishes, so the 15-minute sprints leave me feeling drained, not accomplished. I try to catch myself when I’m making an assumption that “normal people” could just do X, so why can’t I? I just can’t, and that’s fine.

      Two, I have come to accept that I am rarely going to want to tidy up. When I do, I go absolutely ham. I’m getting married this fall and we’ve started getting a bunch of wedding gifts, which is so fun AND so much work to try to fit into our little apartment, so I’ve been organizing/rearranging/purging/aspiring to neater kitchen cabinets a lot lately. Whenever I feel this impulse, I go for it 100%. I cancel my weekend plans, pop on a bunch of podcasts and do it.

      Two-point-one, I have also learned not to evaluate an organizational system by whether it makes me want to tidy up. Again, I will pretty much never want to tidy up, and definitely not as often as I need to to keep my house clean. I’ve heard you mention a lot of things that don’t work for you, but it might be worth re-evaluating what it means to “work.” There is no system that will force you to clean up when you don’t feel like it. “I’m in control of my choices” has been one of my mantras over the last year or so. I don’t feel like doing the dishes? That information is irrelevant to whether I am going to do the dishes. Reading all of the “what tidy people do” articles made me believe that if I could just come up with the right system, I would be tidy without effort. Regretfully, no. But it has been a bit freeing to realize that I am not failing if I don’t want to do the thing, and that I can choose to do it anyway.

      Finally, I try to adapt my organizational systems to my habits, rather than vice versa. Rather than beating yourself up because the trash doesn’t get from the coffee table to the trash can, put a trash can by the coffee table. If your laundry tends to stay in piles on the floor, get a box or crate and put it on the floor where the clothes pile up. I have a closet literally right in my entryway. You could stand in the doorway and open the closet. But my coats and jackets always ended up on the backs of every chair in my dining room, or on basically any flat and semi-empty surface. So I hung up a bunch of hooks in the hallway next to the closet. I can’t explain to you why it’s impossible to take the one extra second to open my closet door, but it is, so I’m rolling with it. Habits are very hard to make and break, so consider ways that you can change your environment to adapt to your habits.

      My house is not tidy, in spite of all this. There is mail on my coffee table, and several small appliances that have been replaced by new gifts on my dining room table. The sink is full of dishes, and a baking sheet I used for garlic bread four days ago is taking up the only counter space in my kitchen. A bag I from a trip last weekend is still packed, next to my couch. But you can see the floor in my bedroom! There is actual empty space on top of my buffet table! I can get at least my living space in a passable state for guests in about half an hour! These are major accomplishments for me. Will I ever have a lifestyle blog about my fancy life? Nope. But I can find my kitchen tongs! And that’s good enough for me.

      1. Jessen*

        I get the sense that it being a studio apartment doesn’t help. Clutter can overwhelm a small apartment VERY easily. Even when things are perfectly clean there’s pretty much just a narrow hallway to get to the bathrooom, because there’s a bed on one side of the room and a shelf on the other. There’s pretty much “put away” and “in the way” as the options.

    10. LilySparrow*

      I’ve had some success with the “Flylady” system, but it’s very homemaker focused and some people (like me) find the emails annoying and overwhelming. The good part is focusing on teeny-tiny steps and just adding one at a time until you’ve mastered it. She’s got a 30-day onboarding sequence where you develop a morning and evening routine, but after that you just add one new behavior every 30 days.

      Another thing I’ve found helpful is rethinking my physical environment to make the desired behavior as easy as possible, and make the undesirable behavior more trouble than it’s worth. You want to add cues and remove any obstacles in the process.

      So for example, if you want to start keeping your keys easy to find every day instead of tossing them on the table, you’d put a hook next to the door so it’s closer than the table. Then you’d make a goal to hang your keys up the minute you walk in. Every time you succeed in hanging your keys up (even if you go back to do it), reward yourself with a verbal self-affirmation, or a small treat, or putting a gold star on your calendar – something that gives you a little hit of dopamine. It’s behavioral training. If there’s something you do for your cat when you get home, like give her a treat, then you’d keep a little basket of cat treats on the same hook. Now you’re building a cue for the new behavior into a habit you already have.

      If you want to start washing dishes as soon as you use them, pay the extra dollar for a scrub brush with soap in the handle, and dish soap that smells really good to you. Keep the pre-loaded brush in a cute cup next to the sink. Get a dish drainer that fits in your sink and keep it there instead of on the counter. Choose one that’s visually attractive in color or shape. That way you get a visual cue to wash the dishes, and everything is right there, there’s no hitch in the process.

      Since you say lists don’t work well for you, try nonverbal cues. I mentioned visual and behavioral. There are also audible cues – maybe you create a playlist of awesome songs and play them during your morning or evening routine. If you get in a habit of playing the music, you can cue a series of different tasks.

      I’ve been watching a YouTube channel called “Clutterbug.” She is fun and talks a lot about how she’s a natural “slob” who is “faking” being clean & organized. She’s fun.

      1. Jessen*

        …Ok the cat treats on the same hook gives me ideas.

        I’ll note I’ve never forgotten to feed the cat. And it’s not because I’m not forgetful, it’s because the cat isn’t shy about letting me know that I am Missing Something Important.

        1. LilySparrow*

          Then the cat is a good thing to cue off of. “When I do X for Cat, I do Y for me.”

          I used to kill houseplants all the time, but I never had a problem feeding my kids regularly. Because plants don’t make any noise.

          I have a lot of things that get done because of external cues: my accountant sends me a letter when it’s time to get my tax papers together (he basically pays for himself by finding deductions and saving me in taxes). My healthcare people send me reminder cards when it’s time to make an appointment. I put all my bills and charity on auto pay. I take my meds and supplements because they live next to the coffee pot. I use GPS every time I get in the car, unless I go there at least once a week.

          You just need a GPS for your household stuff.

          I finally got diagnosed ADHD in my 40’s, and the main thing it changed was my attitude toward myself. I could finally take all the emotional energy I was using to beat myself up, and apply it instead to solving my recurring problems and accomplishing things I wanted to do.

          I used to think that being dependent on external “crutches” was a sign of “weakness” or “not taking responsibility.” But no. That’s a pernicious, abusive lie.

          If external cues work for you, then setting up those cues *is* taking responsibility. You aren’t a failure at adulting. You just have a system that is failing you. You can always improve the system.

          1. Arjay*

            This reminds me that I need to bring a stash of vitamins to work. I forget to take them at home in the morning. I forget to take them when I get home in the evening. I need to be able to take them around 10am at work when I realize that I forgot at home again.

    11. kb*

      I started pairing my biggest distractions with tasks that need to be done, if that makes sense. So while I fold laundry, I can watch Netflix. When I take the garbage out, I also get to run down to the corner store and buy a snack. I also put some tasks on weekly or monthly auto-reminders in my phone and laptop, (changing filters, vacuuming, making sure I’m paying my bills) . It’s not a perfect system and my apartment isn’t spectacularly neat, but it keeps things in pretty good shape. And I think another commenter said this as well, but little splurges for convenience, if possible, make a big difference. Those brushes with soap in them make doing dishes SO MUCH EASIER and they’re a couple bucks.

      1. kb*

        And try not to get hung up on the right and wrong ways to “adult” and get stuff done. Find shortcuts that work for you, like making one simple dish once a week and eating it every day. I actually really enjoy cooking, but was exhausting myself by doing trying to make something interesting and different every day. I really liked Budget Bytes one-pot meals and found as a single person, I could double them and eat them for a whole week, so I’d literally just have one pot of mess one day a week and every other day was just my plate and utensils.

    12. Hannah*

      It seems like you have a lot of excuses about why this or that won’t work. I’m not pointing that out to be snarky, I’m just saying that this may be a symbol of how your brain is working against you right now. When people give these suggestions, do you feel a feeling that is similar to attempting to complete a household task? What I’m saying is that there is a lot of “I can’t,” going on here, and if your brain is constantly saying I CAN’T I CAN’T I CAN’T it is going to be really hard to get stuff done over all that noise.

      What if you just picked out ONE small task that you would do well for a week. Tell yourself, I’m JUST doing this one task and accepting everything else as is. Believe you can do it. Maybe it’s “I will be on top of taking out the trash this week, no matter what, because that is the only thing I have to do.” Let everything else go. When you feel that you’ve mastered that one task and it is second nature, add another one. But only after that first one feels like something YOU CAN DO easily.

      Your brain is just being a big jerk and you need to outsmart it. While you are working on doing that, give yourself a break for not being Martha Stewart and remind yourself of your good qualities.

      1. Jessen*

        I don’t think this is “I can’t” right now. It’s the process of figuring out where my barriers are. I’ve been telling myself for years “you can keep going for just this one thing.” And I’ve learned that one thing often ends up causing a lot of problems. The energy to do that one thing ends up coming out of the energy to fix and eat dinner, or to go to bed in time to get sleep before work. That’s not a tradeoff I can make. And I’m seeing that it’s a feedback loop with the clutter making doing thing harder, which means basic self care takes more time, which means I have less energy for dealing with the clutter.

        I am seeing things here. Like, the reason the 15min thing doesn’t work – that tells me the main problem I’m having is not knowing how to direct my energy in a productive way. I can work for 15min, but I don’t know how to make those 15min do something. That’s not an I can’t, that’s a problem to be solved. It’s a thing I can work on and learn about rather than just trying to push through and make myself do those 15min and wonder why it doesn’t work.

        Same with the trash. The solution (I asked some other places too) seems to be, well, I find it too overwhelming to take out the trash at the end of the day and deal with people and all that. But it’s not so bad if I bag it up by the door and take it out on my way to work. So that’s a better solution than trying hard to make myself take it out because it’s “just one thing.”

        I have some time off coming up, that I do intend to use to tackle a lot of stuff. But what I’m honing in on here is that, while I know that when I have spare time I can get things tidied up, I don’t really know how to keep them from getting back out of control. I know that I can spend time and energy to get things done but I’m not really sure how to budget what I have in a way that is efficient.

        This is a thing that I do that I think confuses a lot of people and I’m not sure how to communicate it better. I do have a mode where I’m stuck in “I can’t.” But I also have a mode that’s kind of…let’s follow each train down and see where it stops and then figure out how to reroute around that bit. I actually find that a really useful route. So think of this as rerouting. Or maybe debugging – I have a routine but there’s some bugs in it and we need to pin down where they are. I realize that can come across as kind of negative and it really isn’t.

        1. Jessen*

          I would add in that the “debug mode” is often the hardest part for me to do on my own. Moving from “X isn’t working and I don’t know why” to “X isn’t working because of A” and then “A is a problem for me because of J” is actually really really important, because it’s a thing I can address. But it’s hard for me on my own to get to that point.

          Like, I would totally not have realized without some sort of feedback that the darkness and the anxiety over being social were barriers to getting the trash taken out. But now that I know that, I’m getting a light put in and I’m working on shifting that from an evening job to a morning job.

  73. many bells down*

    My volunteer partner that went into hospice two weeks ago passed away. Should I bring anything to the memorial tomorrow? They’re asking for donations in lieu of flowers, but to the organization I already volunteer at.

    1. Jessen*

      If you want to do something nice, I’ve been told that gift cards for local takeout places go over well.

      1. Queenie*

        I think a sympathy cards with a gift card for a restaurant is a nice idea. It gives the grieving family a break from having to prepare and clean up after a meal. I would really appreciate that myself.

    3. HannahS*

      I think you should give a donation to that organization, since it’s what they’ve asked for and I’m guessing it’s not a charity you object to. If not, a sympathy card is enough on its own.

    4. ronda*

      my cousin died last year and his sister told me she didn’t think she cared about receiving the notes, cards and facebook posts, but that she actually did find it really helpful.

      So I recommend a card/note saying something you remember / liked about the person and you will miss her.

  74. Free Meerkats*

    Last costume update until I post pictures in 4 weeks. The competition is the evening of August 18th, so I’ll post at least one photo link the by the next morning.

    Except for hemming the pants, which I’ll do tomorrow, the costume is finished! The guy doing my sound has the script, music, and SFX I want and is working on it. There’s a non-essential prop using materials and methods I’ve never used that I’m going to attempt; if it works, great, if it doesn’t, great – I’ll leave it off.

    I have the performance stage space marked off in the back yard for practicing the blocking.

    It has come together! And I’m happy with it! And there are 3 weeks to spare until I leave!

  75. Anonymous Ampersand*

    I’ve not slept in a decent welcoming bed since May last year when I decided to leave my marriage. Didn’t actually leave until autumn so bed with the now-ex was awful. Then I stayed in other people’s places with beds I didn’t get on with. Currently been in a single uncomfortable bed since April.

    I bought a bed a month or two back and the mattress finally arrives this week.

    I CAN’T WAIT.

    1. I Am Still Furious!!*

      I hear you. I’m staying with a friend, and her guest bed is comfortable, but I’ll be anxious to get my own bed in the near future. Good for you! I hope it’s wonderful for you.

    2. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      Congratulations. And the pillow of your choice? Crisp sheets? Enjoy…

      1. Reba*

        I’m changing my bedsheets more often than before because (I have a washing machine and) I realized that fresh sheets is a luxurious experience that is very easy to give myself.

        A good bed just can’t be beat.

      2. Anonymous Ampersand*

        That is an excellent point, my pillows are naff. Sheets etc are lovely but terrible pillows. Oh my god I can’t wait.

  76. Cruciatus*

    Any Pokemon Go people catch any Zapdos today? We got soaked in my area. It started raining 10 minutes before the event and lasted until we completed our last raid. Now the sun is out. But more and more people are starting to come out to these things. It’s weird just following this group of people I don’t know around from place to place. I wonder what non-players are thinking when they see a bunch of people on phones standing around seemingly randomly!

    I caught 2 shiny ones and have only recently discovered checking IVs (I use the PokeGenie app–it’s allegedly not against TOS). But with it I’m now I’m making smarter choices with which Pokemon I keep (though it takes longer to figure it out). Before I was tossing anything with low CP and now I shudder to think about all the really high IV but low CP things I threw away… CP you can change, IV you can’t. I’ve also only recently started keeping my Pokemon in gyms. I thought you could only make a few coins a day but I guess that was before and now (and for a long while) you can make up to 50 coins a day (and I can stop paying actual money for incubators and lucky eggs!)

    1. Book Lover*

      Yes, but no shiny for me. I got a shiny articuno last time, though. Maybe there will be another opportunity some time soon :).

      We have a messenger group of people in the area and get together every week for a bit to raid, so it doesn’t feel like we are strangers any more :)

    2. Anonymous Ampersand*

      Sore point!! Tried to get my medium child out for it and he dawdled for ages then said he’d changed his mind. Then later he was devastated to have missed it and all “I wish I could go back in time….”. Bloody kids!! :)

      1. Book Lover*

        Sorry :(. I’ve had slightly the opposite problem with mine – he wants to go and then quickly gets bored and it spoils my opportunity to get what I want. (But I’m 0nly playing because of him, right? Lol).

        I am not sure how I will make alolan marowak work, as you never know which tier 4 will be marowak and it is hard to organize that way when you still need several people. I think I can get raichu alone or with my son.

    3. LGC*

      I mean, they probably know. July 2016 still happened. (I miss those days. The park in the center of my town was FULL for the entire month. Basically all 24 hours. I’d go out and see a bunch of people catching pokes at like midnight.)

      I didn’t have a chance to go on any Zapdos raids yesterday because I was at work (and the raid group I’m a part of isn’t usually quite in my area – they’re more down by Leonia, I think, which is almost halfway between my work and my house). Congrats on your haul, though!

      And yeah, the gym system changed…I think between Gens 2 and 3? In the original system with up to 10 spots and prestiging, I think it capped at 10 coins/gym/day (up to 10 gyms) – which really made it so that you had to have multiple gyms to get anywhere. The current system, overall, is better for balance and better period unless you were an active player on the dominant team in your area. (In my area, we’re blue-dominant and I’m yellow.)

  77. I'm A Little Teapot*

    This might turn into a regular report! I have a wonderful neighbor /s. Past interactions include:
    – screaming at my cat because she was crossing the lawn, without ever mentioning to me that she didn’t want the cats in her yard
    – calling code enforcement on me because of weeds technically on my property but which I don’t have access to, as they’re on the far side of my fence and essentially in her back yard (code enforcement seem to have cited HER, so she stopped speaking to me for 7 months)
    – calling the police because I had my trees trimmed (police told her to chill)
    – informing me that because I had the above trees trimmed, that means that I’m planning on destroying her house and killing her grandkids (??)
    – Screaming at the concrete guy because he messed up her lawn. I’d be pissed about that too, but her reaction is wayyyyy overboard. Then, her husband (who happens to be a public official) threatened the guy.
    – Stealing a small fence I put up solely to block my cat’s access to her yard. on my property
    – various BEC incidents involving throwing yard waste into my yard

    And this is just some of it. Seriously. I’ve been told by someone who grew up with her kids that this woman has bipolar and isn’t medicated. Based on what I’ve seen, there is definitely a mental illness at play.

    So today, this woman tells me that I’ll be hearing from her lawyer because I didn’t take out the trees that she’s claiming are diseased. So, if these trees are diseased, they’re the healthiest diseased trees I’ve ever seen. Anyway, she’s annoying. anyone want my neighbor?

    1. Reba*

      “Stopped speaking to me for several months”
      Sounds like a good outcome. I hope that’s the result of this tree tiff, too!

      1. I'm A Little Teapot*

        I’m actually hoping that she’ll chill at some point, from what I’ve been told she goes in waves. Since it seems to be driven by mental illness, that makes sense. If nothing else, winter is long and she seems to hibernate. So I just have to hold out until then.

    2. Ali G*

      Sorry but your neighbor is not normal. The good thing is she sounds like she has a “history” with the local police, so unless you do something actually illegal (which, while the cat thing could be annoying, it doesn’t sound like you have), you can just ignore her.
      Chances are she has no lawyer – you can’t preemptively sue someone for trees. If the tree falls because of your negligence – that is what you have insurance for. It’s also ironic that she didn’t want you trimming your trees (which is what keeps them healthy), but is now “suing” you for not trimming trees?
      She’s cray.

      1. I'm A Little Teapot*

        Cray is correct. One additional problem – she’s married to a public official, small town. So police will tell her to knock it off, but generally don’t go much beyond that.

        She’s obsessed that my trees are diseased. One is just fine, the other does have a problem but isn’t a danger yet. I’m aware of it and will monitor, will probably have to take it down in 5-10 years. If I actually do get something, then ok. I am considering getting a certified arborist to inspect the trees and give me a written report. That way, if she does follow through, I can just hand over a copy of the report and basically tell them to f**k off. (I’ll find a lawyer at that point to help, I don’t wanna deal.)

    4. Aphrodite*

      I strongly suggest keeping your cat indoors at all times. It’s much safer anywhere to do so but living next door to what sounds like an unhinged neighbor worries me for your cat. Don’t underestimate what she just might do …

      1. I'm A Little Teapot*

        I understand, but I am hampered by the fact that the cats are actually indoor/outdoor cats. I’ve tried to keep them in, and quality of life declined too much. it’s risk/benefit analysis for me. They’re generally supervised when outside, and luckily both cats have pretty much figured out they’re not supposed to go over there. There are times when I’ll bring cats in or keep them in since it’s higher risk, but it’s not a perfect solution.

    5. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Ok, I got a request for another story. This is the saga of the weeds (I’ve decided to start typing up this stuff, since it lets me get the angst out of my system). So, since i’ve got it already, I’ll share.

      For this story, you’ll need to have a sense of the properties. I have a 6 ft privacy fence around my backyard, set about a foot or so in from the property line. My neighbor doesn’t have a permanent fence, she uses chicken wire and will periodically remove/redo her fences as she chooses. So there is a strip of land on the far side of my fence that is technically my property, but the only way to access it is through her backyard. My neighbor does not maintain this, so as is to be expected, there’s weeds. A lot of them, and very large.

      Last year, my neighbor would talk to me and tell me that the weeds were on my property. And each time I would respond, yes they are, but I do not have access to the area in order to maintain it, it’s your yard. This went on all summer. Almost every time I saw her, she’d be on about these weeds. Until fall.

      That fall, she stopped talking to me. Actually, it went beyond that, she ceased to acknowledge my existence. I’d say hi in passing, she’d act like I wasn’t there. It was very childish and honestly amusing, since she’s a grandmother. This happened while I was out of town, and a family member was staying at the house. It was reported to me when I returned home that the neighbor had asked if I’d received my letter from Code Enforcement yet, then a day or so later, the neighbor also stopped talking to my family member (whom she had previously happily conversed with).

      Interestingly enough, shortly after she stopped speaking to me, she took down her chicken wire fence that ran towards the back of her property about 2 feet away from my fence, and pulled the weeds. I assume that Code Enforcement looked at the property, agreed that there were weeds, and sent the citation letter to my neighbor.

      Recent developments: this summer, my neighbor is not pulling weeds from along the fence. Today, she spoke to me (don’t get excited, she only did so to threaten me), and one the things she said was to remind me that the weeds along the fence were on my property. Of course, she walked away before I could respond that I didn’t have access to pull them. I’m assuming that she’ll be calling code enforcement on me about the weeds at some point. I also assume that they’ll cite her again, since nothing has changed.

  78. AlligatorSky*

    I feel like all I do on these threads is ask peoples’ opinions on things. Here I go again.

    What’s everybody’s favourite unsolved murder/mystery? Mine has to be either:

    – The Boy in the Box: A young deceased boy was found in a box in Philadelphia in 1957. His identity has never been discovered.

    – The Villisca Axe Murders: A family (plus 2 young girls who were friends of the family) were murdered in their home in Villisca, Iowa in 1912. They were all murdered with an axe and the killer was never found.

    – The Bradford Bishop case: In 1976 in Bethesda, Maryland, a guy doesn’t receive a promotion he was desperate for. In response, he goes home, kills his mother, wife and 2 sons before taking the family dog and the car with him. The bodies of his family are found in a ditch/forest, burned, 275 miles away. Bishop has never been seen since, despite numerous sightings.

    *Was also fascinated by the case of Lyle Stevik, (Deceased male who hung himself in a motel room in Amanda Park, Washington in 2001). His identity remained a mystery until early this year, when he was finally identified.*

    …. I really love true crime.

    1. Come On Eileen*

      Ooh! I am fascinated by the Yuba City 5. The Stuff You Should Know podcast just did an episode on them. FASCINATING.

      2. alex b*

        Love SYSK and that was a pretty good episode. So many bizarre decisions on the part of the poor men who died. I feel like Josh and Chuck ignored how much starvation and hypothermia warp people’s thinking, perhaps rendering their decisions indecipherable. Still, it is a great unsolved mystery, for sure.

    2. Sunflower*

      I just heard the story of The Galapagos Affair on MFM podcast. The story of the murder isn’t so interesting but the rest of the story was so insane and bizarre I was sure it was made up.

        1. Sunflower*

          Yup, the actual murder is only about 5% of the whole story but it was so strange, at the end they said if the story had been made up, it couldn’t have been crazier

      2. Red Reader*

        There’s a documentary about it on Netflix that I’ve watched a couple of times that’s really interesting too.

    3. Ali G*

      Mine isn’t exactly unsolved – but in my home town there was a very public murder. It was a well known Rabbi (from my synagogue) who paid to have his wife killed and make it look like a robbery/murder.
      It was all televised and a Very Big Deal. He still denies it to this day, but he’s on death row.
      I worked with one of his sons for a summer and it was awful to watch a bunch of kids go from thinking “my dad could never do that” to “OMG my dad killed my mom.”
      It’s still fascinating to me because I just never understand how someone can think “murder solves all my problems and I will totally get away with it.”

      1. Red Reader*

        RIGHT? I’ve watched like all the Forensic Files on Netflix, and the ridiculous number of spousal murders … my husband came home from work one night and I had just watched like eight spouse murder episodes in a row, and he walks in and the first thing I said to him was “Look, let’s make a deal, if we ever decide this isn’t working out, let’s just get divorced instead of anybody murdering anyone else. Neither of us is smart enough to get away with it, and neither of us has enough life insurance to make it worth taking the risk anyway.” He was like “….. have you been watching Forensic Files ALL NIGHT?”

        1. Ali G*

          OMG! yes! It doesn’t help that I don’t have real job right now. Hubs comes home and is like “Oh so how are you plotting to kill me today??” Do you have REELZ? It’s the worst/best. All sensationalized but cool stories you want to know about.

          1. AlligatorSky*

            I LOVE Forensic Files! I’ve spent an embarrassing amount of hours watching it. Pretty sure I can recite a few episodes, word for word!

            1. Red Reader*

              I mainlined it all and started hearing their narrator in my head narrating my daily life. “After Ginger finished her workday, she went to a department store for some groceries, as well as a bag of candy and … a DVD movie.” The dude’s voice and speaking style make buying clearance Easter candy and Thor: Ragnarok sound really ominous. :-P

          3. AvonLady Barksdale*

            HA! I had to ask my partner for his SSN so I could make him my beneficiary on my life insurance, and when he asked me why I needed it, I couldn’t tell him! I was like, “If I tell him, he will have motive!” That is so effed up and purely a result of my fascination with true crime podcasts.

        2. Temperance*

          Booth makes fun of me for my weird habit of relaxing/taking naps by watching ID and Oxygen.

        3. Sami*

          I went to high school with a guy like that. He was having an affair (duh) and instead of getting a divorce, he decides murder is a better idea. Geez.

    4. Middle School Teacher*

      The podcast Stuff You Should Know has a great episode on the Villisca Axe Murders.

      1. alex b*

        Great one. What is up with the bacon and the mirrors?! Similar: Hinterkaifeck (SYSK has a great ep. on that, too) and the Miyazawa murders (Thinking Sideways has a great ep. on that) in Japan. Killers who murder a ton of people and stick around to chill in the house…. super creepy.

    5. Laura H.*

      It’s solved. But HOW the List family murders were solved and how they found John using the aged up forensic bust and Americas Most Wanted is still cool- sad story, but awesome way to solve it.

      1. AlligatorSky*

        Omg thank you for posting this. I was thinking about this the other day, but couldn’t remember the name of the family and it was driving me nuts, I kept getting links to the Bishop case!

      2. Temperance*

        I watched that episode of Forensic Files last night. So interesting. I felt terrible for his 2nd wife.

    6. alex b*

      Love these! I STRONGLY recommend the podcast Thinking Sideways!!!! It’s weekly and the 3 very smart hosts present an unsolved mystery in depth plus theories.

      I love:
      — the Tunguska Event
      — Catrine da Costa’s murder
      — Gareth Williams (what on earth happened with that guy?!)
      — Col. Philip Shue’s death (another W.T.F.!!!)
      — disappearance of Kenny Veach
      — Miyazawa family murders
      — Rebecca Zahau
      — Karin Waldegrave

      OMG I could go on and on….

      1. alex b*

        And I’m gonna add more…
        –Hugues de la Plaza
        — Archambeau-Bruguier disappearance
        — Hall-Mills murders
        — Blair Adams
        — Craig Button
        — Ben McDaniels
        — Peter Bergmann
        — Springfield Three

        (just google the names and you’ll find the fascinating mystery) (PS the aforementioned podcast Thinking Sideways covered most of these… I’m just a fan, not paid to promote )

        1. AlligatorSky*

          Thank you SO MUCH!! My insomnia is well and truly active tonight and I can’t see myself getting any sleep. Safe to say I know what I’ll be researching for the next few hours!

          Thank you again!!! You’ve saved me from a very boring night! <3

      2. AlligatorSky*

        BTW – Miyazawa family murders; have you seen the house on google maps?? There’s a police officer still outside their house and it’s still all taped off, despite happening all those years ago!

        1. alex b*

          Oh totally… they’ve preserved it as a crime scene after, what, almost 18 years?! Ironic since it was one of the last occupied houses in a neighborhood where the gov’t was buying owners out in order to make a public park… I’ve read/heard that Japanese crime detective work is super rigorous and unyielding. SO odd that this case is unsolved given the abundance of (strange) evidence at the scene.

      3. many bells down*

        I could buy that Williams somehow locked himself in the bag. I’m sure loads of magicians learn to do stuff like that. But that he then somehow wiped all his fingerprints OFF the tub, zipper, and padlock AFTER he was locked in there… nope. Not buying it.

    8. An Elephant Never Baguettes*

      Hinterkaifeck!! A lonely farm in Bavaria in the 1920s. All the family members and their maid were killed and the bodies weren’t discovered until a couple of days later. There’s plenty of theories but no decent suspect ever emerged and at this point I don’t think it will ever be solved.

  79. annakarina1*

    I know I post about dating a lot, so I’ll keep this brief. I have a date on Monday that I am excited about. It’s a first date, from Bumble, and me and the guy have gotten on well through texting, and I think he’s cute in a scruffy Zach Galifanakis way. I don’t want to get my hopes up, but I also don’t want to lessen my excitement too much. So I’m trying to find a good middle ground for this.

    1. StudentA*

      It’s hard not to be excited about stuff like that! I like to go to these things like I’m meeting a new friend or neighbor. This takes the pressure off, because I can get way too ahead of myself sometimes! I’m sending you good vibes! Let us know how it went!

  80. wingmaster*

    Yesterday, I learned that I won something at the County Fair! Division Winner for Wearable Art. It has been my 3rd year competing, and I have a lot of fun. Now, I am thinking of what to create for next year..

      1. wingmaster*

        I entered 4 garments, but 2 of them are for the Wearable Art Division. So I’m not exactly sure which entry won. I haven’t gone for the fair yet!

        One entry is an asymmetrical coat made out of hemp, and some panels of it are old denim jeans and plastic bags woven together.

        The second one is a top and bottom piece. My inspiration for this piece is the Chinese acrobat/circus. My favorite detail about this design is the recycled scrap textile that I made out of the unused fabric.

        I have a link to my portfolio of those two pieces – if you wanna check it out!

          1. wingmaster*

            Thanks! So my co-worker just texted me that it was the hemp coat that won Division Winner for Wearable Art!

  81. Bluebell*

    I need to burn some vacation days and really want to relax so am looking for recommendations for a 5 to 7 day solo trip in August. I live in the Northeast US. I’m happy with culture, or beaches, the only thing that I don’t want is a trip where I have to do a lot of driving by myself. Thanks so much!

      1. Bluebell*

        Have been to Chicago three times and love it. Last time was two years ago so I feel caught up. Thanks for the suggestion!

    3. wingmaster*

      Colorado? I was able to get around easily with public transportation and walking! If you’re into beer, there are some great breweries there! New Belgium in Fort Collins does free tours and gives out FREE beer!

    4. Aphrodite*

      This is offbeat but have you ever considered a dude ranch vacation? They range from resort-type places to real working ranches.

    5. Sam Foster*

      Toronto, Boston, NYC, and DC are all fabulous walking cities where one doesn’t have to even rent a car.

      Further afield? Vancouver, Seattle, and Portland.

    6. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I used to peruse JetBlue’s vacation deals to get ideas and even booked one. I went to Bermuda solo in February and got around by hotel shuttle and bus; it was ok, but I would have preferred more beach time (too windy and chilly in February). So maybe that’s a possibility? I don’t know how it is there in August, but I imagine it’s beachy! There is some culture, and I have to say I didn’t think the food was all that great, but I stayed in a nice hotel and took advantage of their spa and private beach for walks.

      One of the places I wanted to go when I was thinking about a solo trip was Key West. I still haven’t been there, but it struck me as a great place for someone like me; I wanted quirkiness, good food, and bodies of water to sit next to so I could read and relax.

      Vegas can be great for a solo traveler, even though it will be pretty hot. But you can get a really luxurious hotel room for a less-than-insane amount of money, and there are spas, pools, shows, and free drinks if you play a few slots. I went to Vegas solo on a business trip once and enjoyed myself a lot (I had plenty of free time on that trip). No car.

    7. Cat Herder*

      Paris. Fantastic walking city, excellent public transportation (aside from strikes, but then you just walk), plenty to do, and of course, French Food.

      If you go, get a museum pass that lets you into lots of museums. Then you cut down on standing in line to buy tickets. Just don’t feel obliged to “get your money’s worth” going to museums every day (unless you like that).

  82. Sunflower*

    As I mentioned up-thread, I’m moving cities and need help figuring how to get from point A to B and settling down there. I live in Philly and an moving to Manhattan. I won’t have a car and all of my past moves within Philly, I’ve kind of slowly moved into apartments and been able to take my time acquiring furniture. I’m moving in with roommates so the only stuff I have is personal, bedroom items.

    Thoughts
    – Do I rent a moving truck or just throw as much stuff as possible into my dad’s SUV (he would drive me up and drive back regardless of what car we bring)
    – Most of my furniture is from Ikea so my instinct is saying sell it and get new when I get there. Where do I get it? All I know if is Ikea who will deliver for a fee. I have no issue buying used/craigslist but transporting it is where I’m running into an issue. I’ve never purchased a bed before- I got mine from the person who moved out before me.

    1. Lcsa99*

      I would probably go with a rental because even with just stuff for a bedroom, you will probably have more than you think. You don’t want to end up having to do two trips with your dad.

      As for furniture, there is an IKEA in brooklyn if you’re really comfortable with their stuff! If it was me, I would use the rental to get to the city, then have your dads SUV for IKEA.

    2. Woodswoman*

      Moving to a new town is a hassle, so the key here is deciding which part of moving would be more of a hassle–bringing your stuff with you, or getting new stuff. If you’re excited about the idea of getting new furniture– or new to you if it’s used–then give your things away. If you find that idea daunting, better to keep what you have.

      I’ve done both in the past. For a couple of my moves, I downscaled anything that wouldn’t fit in my moving truck. I was scared to death to drive the dang thing, though, and drove my car while a friend drove the truck.

      I tend to live in small spaces with minimal stuff in general and since a lot of it has been secondhand, I’ve parted with it before moving. In recent years, I invested in a pricey mattress and box spring and scored a frame on Craigslist. This was the most expensive thing I’d bought outside of my car, and it was worth it for my comfort to take it along. Hence the moving truck instead of just loading up the car.

      Good luck for your move!

    3. Thursday Next*

      There’s a site called Furnishare for used furniture in NYC that has flat fee delivery. A couple of places on Etsy too are local to NYC and have great delivery prices.

    4. Yetanotherjennifer*

      ikea recently changed their shipping fee structure and it’s much more reasonable. I think it starts at a flat $35. Look into it. My closest ikea is over 2 hours away and I can get a shipment for $45.

    5. AdAgencyChick*

      I moved from Philly to Brooklyn 15 years ago. I basically packed my car as full as I could, moved that stuff, and took nothing else. I bought all my furniture at once from Ikea since the delivery fee was the same no matter how much you got, and slept on one of those flip-n-f**ks for a few days until my furniture arrived.

      Of course, this being NYC (and I was moving into a place with a roommate), there wasn’t very much furniture to buy. I couldn’t have afforded to do this if I’d had more than my bedroom to furnish.

      15 years later, the bed and bookcases I bought are still with me, even though I’ve moved four times since then. (I had to lose a chair and a night table when I moved in with my now-husband, since our first apartment together was teeny weeny.)

    6. ronda*

      my sister bought this type of mattress for her extra bedroom from walmart .com (also bought a related bed stand). I slept on it it once and it was fine.
      She did cause it was delivered compressed and was not too hard for her to move (still a little heavy tho).

      https://www.walmart.com/ip/Spa-Sensations-6-Memory-Foam-Mattress-Multiple-Sizes/12177338

      But, every mattress (&other piece of furniture) I have ever bought at a store, they have delivered to my house for a charge. You have the delivery people put it exactly where you want it. If you don’t love your current furniture it is probably easiest to just buy stuff when you get there and see what exactly will fit. Getting a whole bedroom set at one place might minimize the delivery charge. & I am all about hiring movers now rather than lugging stuff myself. (except the delicate stuff) Look on the google maps for local furniture/matress stores and call to see about general price range and delivery charges.

  83. Loopy*

    Just just binged the Saga comic (graphic novel?) after seeing it randomly on Amazon’s Prime day. I’m actually not a comic or graphic novel reader (are those two terms interchangeable?) But I am SO SO AMAZINGLY HOOKED. Warning: it’s adult/graphic if anyone choses to check it out (I’d say on par with Game of Thrones for a common reference). Weird as heck but amazing characters and storyline.

    I have two questions: 1) what does one do with that post-binging-there-is-no-more withdrawal/sadness? 2) Has anyone else read it and can you recommend something as equally as amazing?

    The post binge feeling is so weird.

    1. Still Waters*

      I don’t read comics or graphic novels so no help there, but my post-binge process when it comes to books, tv shows or movies is to hit up the Archive of Our Own and look for fanfic, seek out the fandom comms, tumblrs etc. That’s actually how I discovered fandom in the first place. *g*

    2. Reba*

      Re: post-binge, immediately begin re-read and/or find the next comic to dive into. :D

      Image has so many great ones! You can’t go wrong with their catalog. You might like Y or the Wicked and the Divine. I’m recently into Hinges (completed, also online) and Monstress (ongoing) currently. Saga is pretty unique, though! I also read webcomics including Namesake, Monster Pulse and the works of John Allison regularly, and check in from time to time on others like Stand Still Stay Silent. You can browse Hiveworks for a slew of online projects in lots of different styles.

  84. Anonymous Depression Treatment*

    After a couple years of trying to pull myself out of it through therapy and a bunch of et cetera, I’ve decided it’s time to talk to my doctor about a prescription antidepressant. That worked for me many years ago when circumstances in my life made things hard for a while. (No need to worry, I’m not suicidal.)

    I have scheduled a call with my doctor on Monday. She’s terrific, but doesn’t know why I”m calling. To give her some background, I wrote an email about what I’d like to talk about so she can be more prepared for the conversation. My medical facility uses secure email, but I found myself hesitating because all of my health care providers will be able to access this message. I don’t know why this is tripping me up, because they are all cool people. And if I get the antidepressant, certainly they will all be able to see it on my list of prescriptions.

    I guess I don’t want to have this private info in writing because it will stay there forever. It feels different than asking for advice about an injury or something. Maybe it’s that I don’t want to have to see it again in my email as a reminder of my mental health challenge. I’m trying to figure out why I’m hesitating. I don’t know why, but I can’t hit Send. Any advice?

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Then don’t send it if you don’t want to. I don’t think sending the email will save you that much time/effort/whatever. And you’re right about it being out there in cyberspace forever. I don’t think I would bother to send it if it were me. You could put yourself through all this angst and then find out when you get there that she never saw the email. ugh.

      1. Anonymous Depression Treatment*

        You’re right. It’s helpful to get someone else’s perspective and get out of my own head. I will just catch her up in the phone call. She’s a doctor after all, and she’s used to patients bringing up new things. Thanks.

    2. Anono-me*

      A good friend of mine who was a counselor and now is in senior managment saw someone from an unaffiliated clinic and forbade the taking of notes. Privilege and HIPPA are only as strong as the security practices of the medical professional in question.

    3. DietCokeHead*

      I would say don’t send it. If your call is on Monday, the doctor might not even see it before the call. Or the messages may be monitored by a nurse instead of the doctor herself. But I think that writing the email may help you when you do talk to the doctor because you’ve already summarized some of the info for yourself and that will help you with what to say. I wish you the best!

      1. Detective Amy Santiago*

        This is what I was going to say.

        You can also keep the draft saved and either read it to her or let her read it on your phone instead of sending it.

  85. Ali G*

    So it’s been literally pouring all day. So far the basement is dry and the garden seems to be holding up. The dog even went out into the yard (highly medicated) to do his thing. But seriously? It’s like feast or famine over here. It’s either 100 degrees and no rain for 2 weeks or it’s a flash flood. They even cancelled that ball game.
    Stay dry on the east coast!

    1. Rebecca*

      It’s raining here too in Central PA, and it’s only about 62 degrees, and it feels good. It was fairly warm and humid for a stretch, and as a mountain girl that gets old really fast. It feels good to cook supper and not sweat like I’m at the gym (no air conditioning). Just saw that we’re under a flash flood watch now.

  86. families!*

    My mother sent me a book. It’s not the kind of thing I read at all. It’s not the kind of thing she reads either, she said its just getting a lot of press (even though it was published a few years ago). She was all exited about it, but wouldn’t tell me what she had sent, but it got here. It even seems to have gotten good reviews but all I want to do is tear it apart page by page. know I probably had hoped she’d send me something that actually reflected me, despite knowing better. I know I should take it as a kind gesture but I am just enraged. Help!

    1. StudentA*

      Can you text her and say “thanks Mom. Got the book.” and just not say anything else? As I know you know, it’s the thought that counts (just a reminder!)

      1. CBE*

        It is the thought that counts, but sometimes a gift shows so little thought that it’s hurtful.
        (just a reminder!)

        1. StudentA*

          Do you have any more useful input than a passive-aggressive jab?

          As for hurtful or thoughtless presents: they exist, but if it’s not a part of a pattern of overall bad treatment, the right thing to do would be to either say very little or be gracious.

          1. CBE*

            Ah, so you can see what you did there when it’s mirrored at you? Not try not to do that in the first place. Platitudes are NOT helpful, and clearly this poster was hurt. Kindness – not platitudes – towards people who are hurting is a better choice. Especially if you think you want to give “useful input”

            1. Ask a Manager* Post author

              Hey, please be kind to people here, even if you think they’re not being helpful. “I don’t think that’s useful because …” is great. Snarkiness is not.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Donate it. Or sell it.

      This is sad, but my husband and I used to sit with a big bag as we opened presents at Christmas. The bag was for what we did not want and would donate. So yea, I am saying we unwrapped the present and put it into the donate bag.
      At first I felt guilty about this. Gradually it dawned on me, if someone is not worried if I would like the item then why should I worry about keeping it? Here is how extreme it was: One year I said no more mugs, I have 49 and do not need more. And I said no more tree ornaments, I have enough to do 3 trees including lights and garland. No more. Not kidding you, I got 9 mugs and 11 tree ornaments that year. And out they went.

      I think in our society we buy things just for the sake of buying things. It’s a momentary high or kick. Some of my stuff was good stuff. I kept it to give to friends. No, not as a gift but just to rehome it. I had a nice Icelandic wool hat that I loved but was way too small. I gave it to a friend. She was thrilled, it fit perfectly.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I had to do this, too, with my and my husband’s family. I got so tired of receiving perfume I hated (always something really strong, like musk or vanilla); jewelry boxes I couldn’t use (I had many already I didn’t use); clothing that never fit, not even close (I was morbidly obese at the time and NOTHING anyone bought would ever fit me unless they went to someplace like Lane Bryant, which no one would do); and bath products I didn’t use, like bubbles and shower gel. I finally told everyone something along the lines of, “Please don’t buy me these items. I have too many/don’t use them/they’re not the right size. There’s no need to even get me a gift. (Meaning, “Don’t buy me something just because you *may* see me at Christmas and feel you need to have something to give me even though we see each other maybe once a year.”) My family listened, but one of my husband’s aunts said that I was being demanding and high maintenance, “who is she to dictate the type of gifts she gets?!” Well, whatever. At least the annual avalanche of useless stuff stopped. I know it’s the thought that counts, but to me it’s thoughtless to get someone a size M sweater when you can plainly see they’re NOT a size M. Not even close.

      2. Middle School Teacher*

        Honestly, I get so many gifts at Christmas and at the end of the year from kids. I live alone in a little house; I can’t eat 15 boxes of chocolates (one year I got 39!), I don’t need 80 coffee mugs, and I’m allergic to a lot of bath and lotion products. I put everything I don’t want in a box and put it on freecycle. At least then I know it’s going somewhere useful.

    3. Thlayli*

      I’m guessing there must be a huge amount of negative history between you and your mother for you to be so enraged over this. I’m sorry you have such a bad relationship – that’s tough. The book is obviously easy to deal with – drop it off at any charity shop – but dealing with a fraught mother relationship is really tough. Hugs.

      If you think she genuinely meant it as a nice gesture then that’s a good sign! Her even trying to be nice is a great first step in mending a relationship, even if you don’t appreciate the actual present.

      If it makes you feel better at all – my mother and I have a great relationship in lots of ways, but we are totally opposite people and do not get how the other thinks at all. We frequently buy each other gifts that we don’t like. So this happens all the time to people with good mother daughter relationships too!

    4. Traffic_Spiral*

      I’m usually pretty chill about hating books. Everyone’s taste is different and I’ve had lots of good friends recommend me books that I’ve liked and others I’ve hated.

    5. Aly_b*

      My parents got me a book about the amazing power of being introverted, which is great, sure, I agree with the sentiment… but I’m actually quite extroverted and outgoing. I was shy (not introverted) when I was growing up, so the book basically said to me what I already know, which is that they haven’t really updated their view of me since around then. I gave it away without opening it. It was a couple of years ago and I can more or less laugh about it now but yeah, that one hurt.

      Anyways, no advice but I hear you about being angry about something like this.

    6. Gingerblue*

      My father is a terrible gift giver, and it’s pretty much ruined Christmas and birthdays for me at this point. Gift-giving holidays are just a biannual reminder that he doesn’t like me much. I’d far rather just ignore the holidays.

      “It’s the thought that counts” is exactly the problem, with bad gifts. Some thoughts I have seen gifts express:

      I am socially obligated to give you a thing. Here is A Thing.
      I don’t know you at all.
      I know you, but this was cheap and you’re not worth wasting money on.
      Surely you like the same things that you did when you were five.
      You won’t like this, but I will and I’ll get to use it.
      Someone gave this to me and I don’t want it.
      You gave this to me and I don’t want it.
      I know your taste, but your taste is stupid and here’s what you should like instead.
      Here’s what I wish you would wear.
      Here’s what I wish you would read.
      Have I mentioned this was cheap?
      Here’s exactly one item of a thing that is only useful in sets.
      Here’s a thing I needed to buy you anyway, so let’s pretend it’s a present.

      My mother is also dreadful at gift giving, but she’s also usually thoughtful and trying, even if her guesses about my taste are… not good, so it doesn’t bother me much coming from her.

      1. Gingerblue*

        …all of which is meant say that I know how what looks like an innocuous gift to someone else can be RAGE INDUCING.

      2. CM*

        Yes, it is all about the relationship. A bad gift from somebody who you know loves you can be kind of funny. A bad gift from someone who you wish you had a decent relationship with, but you don’t, is worse than receiving nothing at all.

    7. Gatomon*

      I’ve been on the receiving end of many hurtful gifts from my parents and relatives. Take some time to feel the rage, deal with it as you wish (say thank you or not–your choice, then donate/trash it or just stick it in a box) and then allow yourself to move on. Don’t let this stupid book ruin your day! That’s giving it more power than it deserves.

      The worst gift I ever received was from my Grandma for my birthday. It was an older book with a Christian bent that covered various topics like adultery and what the bible said on it. It had clearly been found at a thrift shop or garage sale because there was a dedication to someone else inside the front cover (!) and various sections had been highlighted, mostly in the adultery (!!) chapter. Why she felt it was appropriate for a single, 20-something college student I’ll never know. I tossed it in the trash and decided there was really nothing positive I could say to my Grandma about this gift, negative comments would start a tsunami of drama in the family and I could not bring myself to say thank you for assuming I’m a young hussy. As I recall, she never called to follow up on it either.

  87. CAA*

    Has anyone here ever participated in a Zooniverse project? I just learned about this crowd sourcing platform when I read a news article about “The American Soldier” this week. This project is transcribing the National Archives’ micro-fiche images of survey responses written by soldiers serving during World War II into a searchable text database. It’s completely enthralling to read (and retype) the responses to “Write in the space below any suggestions, questions or anything else you want to get off your chest.” Some sound like they could be a letter Alison answered last week, while others are clearly from a different era. I’m finding it so fascinating.

    2. Jules the First*

      Yes, I did original Zooniverse (categorising galaxy spin) when I was in grad school and had spare time. I really enjoyed it as an activity, and also loved that I was contributing to research as well. I think I did one a few years later transcribing ancient text (think photos of stones with inscriptions, write what you think it says) as well. Not sure I have the energy to spare anymore, but it was fun and interesting and I’d totally do it again if I had the energy.

      1. CAA*

        There’s a great variety of projects. In addition to the soldier surveys, I’m intrigued by some of the animal photo identifications and might try those next. This is something I can do on my laptop while “watching” sports on TV with DH. The game doesn’t need my full attention and it’s easy to look up when something interesting happens.

  88. Nervous Accountant*

    Hit 6 months last week (July 10). Not sure if I should talk about this here but I read Monday’s post and really wanted to give my 2 cents but I read it too late

    Some stuff that strikes me as funny/weird.

    I used to love watching the Goldberg’s. I binged and right now I’m in the middle of season 3 or 4. I watch it now and it just makes me sad bc the real Adam (F!) Goldberg’s father passed away a while back and i see it through that lens now.

    Popular songs from summer 2016, I can’t play. The lyrics have nothing to do w my dad (thank GOD since they’re mostly sexual LOL) but the songs remind me of when my nephews stayed w us for the summer and my dad spent w lot of time w his grandkids.

    Imagine dragons most recent album, I can’t play. I played it in my rental car on repeat when I went to California and stayed w my brother, and I remember thinking I can’t wait to tell him all about my trip—the kids, the driving, the car etc.

    Ed Sheerans’ perfect & supermarket flowers—I’m a huge Ed Sheeran fan, and I first heard the songs a few weeks after the funeral. I played them nonstop the month after. So it doesn’t exactly remind me of my dad just the time after.

    Victoria secret rapture. I bought it in 2003, when my dad had a major heart attack. I ended up giving it away unused. Until now, that smell always reminded me of how we almost lost him then and we’re so lucky to have an extra 17.5 years.

  89. Anonymosity*

    Remember the neighbor who thought I was stealing from him and threatened to come over with a shotgun and get his stuff back?

    He has left me completely alone. After one attempt to call me the Wednesday after this happened (I did not answer and added it to the police report, since he had been advised to leave me alone), nothing. I’ve seen his truck coming and going but I haven’t seen him. I’ve been out in the yard a few times picking up tree debris and his truck will be in the driveway, but I think he waits until I’m inside before he comes out and leaves. Fine by me.

    If I’m still here in the spring (please universe, let me somehow not be, but not in a bad way or stuck in my mum’s house), when my tree starts dumping seed balls on his lawn, he’s on his own. I used to just rake them up, but I’m sure in hell not going over there as things stand. I already thought about this. If he complains about it to someone and they mention it to me, I’ll tell them to inform him that I’m happy to regularly pick them up as long as he does not ever threaten me again and to leave me alone if he sees me raking.

    Neighbor on the corner said she had talked to him and he told her he was going to sell the house and move closer to family. She said she didn’t know how he was going to do that because he had told her he had a second mortgage on the house. (No no no, I want to be the one who leaves!)

    And he’s still feeding the stray cats and they’re still shitting all over my yard. (One of them is really pretty and I kind of wish it were tame–picture Grumpy Cat but not stubby).

    1. Woodswoman*

      Phew, so glad to hear that this volatile situation has de-escalated and may it stay that way until you can move. It’s a good thing you went to the police and he’s stopped harassing you. I hope that cat poop continues to be the worst thing happening.

    2. HannahS*

      I’m glad he’s left you alone! I really don’t think you should ever go on to his property–you said his memory’s going, right? I’m worried that he’ll see you out there and not remember anything about it, and that his paranoia will rear.

    3. Thlayli*

      I’m really glad you’re ok! Sounds like he might have forgotten all about the “stealing” thankfully. I agree with pp that you shouldn’t go onto his property at all to clean up even if the neighbours mention it to you.

      I think it’s good he’s planning on moving closer to family – that might be best for him and society in general. Don’t get fixated on him OR you leaving – you can both leave!

  90. nep*

    Not really seeking advice–just a vent. Stuck in a living situation that is testing me every moment of every day. (And none of my frustration or negative thinking about it means I’m not grateful for all I’ve got…roof over my head, my health…) Just have moments when I feel as if I cannot live this way one more second. I’ve got to get out of here–but a lot has to happen before I can change my situation. I’ve got to do the work and just make it happen.
    Breathe. Do the work.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Aww, nep. I am so sorry. You work so hard at every aspect of your life. I kind of deduced this by the thinking questions you ask and the topics that you start up.

      Good vibes and wishes for miraculous breaks in your setting. You seem to be working at many things, it has to come together very soon for you.

    2. Reba*

      Petit a petit l’oiseau fait son lit — I know that’s trite but I tend to find the image helpful. The birds rebuild nests many times in their lives, and it’s hard work for a fragile product, and always just one twig at a time. It is also beautiful and self-reliant, and ends in flight.

    3. nep*

      Not So NewReader and Reba, I’ve got tears as I read your posts. Happy ones–glad for the connection and someone getting it.
      Thank you.

  91. The Other Dawn*

    Anyone have any good rice recipes to share? I made some cilantro lime rice this week and it was so refreshing! I have lot of rice to use up. White and brown.

    1. A Non E. Mouse*

      No recipe really, but I’ve made a concoction of rice, pineapple chunks, and a splash of coconut milk that was just to die for with grilled chicken and red bell peppers.

      I usually just think of rice like i think of pasta – it’s the thing that holds all my ingredients together. Go wild!

    2. Anona*

      If you have some already made rice, this is delicious. I find it’s best with day old+ rice.

      2. Gingerblue*

        Whenever I make rice, there’s usually a bit leftover (perils of cooking for one). I like to keep a bag for leftover rice in the freezer and make fried rice with it when there’s enough.

    3. Ali G*

      Definitely fried rice.
      Also you can make rice cakes – add some flour and egg, seasoning and maybe some onion & garlic (really any sturdy, not too wet veg you like). Heat some canola oil in a pan and when it is good and hot, form the rice mixture into pancake and sear on each side until crisp. I do this with leftover mashed potatoes too.

    4. HannahS*

      Mujaddara is a fantastic way to use up leftover rice. I’m sure you can find excellent authentic recipes online, but I just caramelize some onion in olive oil, optionally throw in a bit of cumin, add leftover rice and some canned brown lentils, and salt and pepper. Delicious, reheatable, filling, and cheap.

    5. Gingerblue*

      I’ll sometimes make brown rice porridge for breakfast. Cook the rice and refrigerate it; in the morning, put a scoop into a pot with some milk and sweetener and heat gently.

      Are you specifically looking for recipes for the rice you already have, or are you just on a rice kick? If the former, this may nit be helpful, but I love making Japanese rice balls (onigiri). They’re a nice portable snack or lunch, but you do need short grain rice, which will stick togeher properly.

      1. Phoenix Programmer*

        Onigiri and Omusubi are fantastic but definitely require fresh short grain rice. I love to take canned tuna, sriacha, and mayo for my own “spicy tuna” for the centers. They keep warm in a lunch box too. Quite good. I even like them cold the next day but the rice is dryer then.

    6. Phoenix Programmer*

      Fried rice has a ton of combinations if you switch out the proteins. I recommend massaging oil into the day old cold rice to “declump” cook your proteins, then remove everything and scramble your eggs. They should be little beads. Then dump the eggs out into your cooked protein (honestly I cube carrots and peas and green onion and then put the cooked ingredients in that same bowl so that in the end I have all my indgredients sans rice in one bowl ready to add at the end. Then toss your rice into the same pan with maybe a bit more oil (neutral like veggie oil and maybe a drop or 2 of sesame for flavor/fragrance) and quick fry until it begins to brown then add everything back in until its heated throughout. The goal is a nice cohesive dish that is not too oily.

      Besides fried rice adding rice to dishes really fills them out. Add cooked rice to soups, burritos, and casseroles to really make them more filling. It’s a great filler ingredient.

      1. Gingerblue*

        I suspect that your tip to massage oil into the cold rice is going to seriously up my fried rice game.

    7. Fellow Traveler*

      I really like this chicken birtani recipe for the Instant Pot. If you don’t have an Instant Pot, you can probably Google similar recipe.

      https://twosleevers.com/pressure-cooker-chicken-biryani/

      Also- this baked mushroom “risotto” is one of my go to recipes for vegetarian potluck. I’ve made it with all sorts of rice: thekitchn.com/recipe-baked-mushroom-risotto-136836

    9. Kate*

      This isn’t at all a recipe, but we love rice with cut up castelvetrano olives and capers mixed in as a side dish for pretty much everything.

  92. Oscar Madisoy*

    I’ve recently gotten into Star Trek – the original TV series with Kirk and Spock, not the later versions. I’ve liked what I’ve seen enough that I want to get the complete series on DVD, either the whole thing in one fell swoop or in single-season collections. However, I’ve heard that not all collections are alike – some have been edited to add special effects and such that were not in the original broadcasts. I want the original broadcasts – what should I get?

  93. Forever lurker*

    I’ve never commented before, but I’m waiting to hear back after my final interviews for what’s pretty much my dream job (as a new graduate).

    Waiting is so so hard. I keep getting way ahead of myself and trying to plan the next few years of my life if I get it. I’m having trouble sleeping because my mind is racing and I keep dissecting my interviews.

    I imagine this is yelling into the void of the early hours of Sunday morning a little, but I had to get it out.

    1. Forever lurker*

      Oh and I know this isn’t technically non-work but it’s more about the waiting than the job side of things.

    2. Detective Amy Santiago*

      Waiting definitely sucks. Try to find something to immerse yourself in – a new TV show, a book, a documentary, a podcast. Something else to focus on.

      1. Forever lurker*

        Yeah I sure am trying! I think that’s good advice, thanks :) I’m also moving counties pretty soon, so that’s something to distract me a little. I just seem to get obsessive the moment I let my brain rest.

  94. Triple Anon*

    What’s new here?

    Considering moving again. Deciding where to go next (new city or even a new country).

    Progress towards improving my financial situation, but I’m still struggling.

    Learning German, and a little Italian. Working on French and Spanish skills. Looking for reading recommendations in those languages.

    Bitterly disappointed and angry at a lot of people for turning their backs on me or worse when I was dealing with ableist violence. Shocked at how many people voiced support for the violence or rejected me as a friend because I was being subjected to it. What the f#$k??? But it gave me a new perspective on selecting friends. I’m looking for other qualities in friends now.

    Severe travel bug. I think it’s a blessing in disguise that I don’t have a normal [thing we don’t talk about] here right now, and my lease is month to month. I can pick up and go any time. Just trying to earn enough money to get out of the country for a little while (and pay off a bunch of bills). I think it’s all within reach.

    1. Reba*

      It sounds like you are in an interesting time. Instability is, well, destabilizing, but also contains much potential.

      I recommend comics in French (BD or bandes dessinees) if you van get them!

    2. Thursday Next*

      So glad that your goal seems to be within reach! That’s real movement from some of your previous posts.

      I don’t understand people who support violence against their friends. I hope your new friendships will be affirming and loving.

      1. Triple Anon*

        Thank you! I was hanging out with some pretty successful people. On the one hand, it’s shocking that people who have accomplished a lot in life and are respected by so many would be involved in something like that or condone it. On the other hand, there does tend to be a lot of dysfunction in those circles. I’m seeking out people who are more down to earth and not caught up in the glitzy side of life, so to speak. Progress is being made.

  95. The Other Dawn*

    Just a “thank you” to whomever suggested the Matthew Shardlake Tudor Mystery series of books! I’m reading Dissolution and I’m enjoying it. It took some effort to stick with it through the first couple chapters, as it was a slow starter (for me), but it’s getting interesting now.

  96. Pharmgirl*

    I hope I’m not too late for this! I’m a 30-year-old single woman, and I’m hoping to travel to Iceland alone in October. Is this doable? Any suggestions?

    1. Reba*

      Yes! Iceland is easy for tourists. You might find that some areas or attractions are inaccessible due to winter at that time, but on the plus side it will be less crowded and you will have a chance at seeing the aurora borealis.

    3. Aurora Leigh*

      My boyfriend and are are looking at going in early September of next year. (I would totally feel safe going alone though, I think.) We found a tour we’re really excited about — 5 days tent camping! I posted a link last week, but the name of the tour company is Crazy Puffin. It’s less than $800 per person, and they limit the group size to 25 people.

  97. Reba*

    Paging Elizabeth West —-

    Just thinking about you and wondering how your book(s) is going.

    1. anon24*

      She’s been posting under a different name because of some problems on Twitter. She’s requested we not share her new name but if you know her writing style it’s not hard to find her (she posted above)

  98. Phoenix Programmer*

    Update on my nephew N. This week went surprisingly well! We had only 2 bad days. And the bad days were more like 2 hours of tantrum compared to allll dayyyy. We have 1 more full week with him and a couple of days the week after before he goes back home.

    We also have tried a few different approaches:
    1. Hubby would tell N how his behavior was making him feel. This seemed to really help N calm down and stop antagonizing.
    2. We focused on asking N how he was feeling when he started misbehaving. This had mixed results as he is still reluctant to open up to hubby.
    3. I started coming home for lunch 1-2 times a week as work time allowed. Having that break in the middle of the day seemed to reassure N.

    Unfortunately my sister has not been an ally in getting N more comfortable here. She decided that N’s behavior was due to homesickness and that the best thing we could do would be to loosen up our bedtime rules. She decided N, who is 8, going to bed at 9 was too early and told N she would talk us into loosening the bedtime. Well I had the biggest argument of our adult life with my sister and was pretty blunt with her. I explained N’s behavior is because he is use to all the men in his life yelling, hitting, and abandoning him and that is why he is fighting with hubby pushing buttons trying to see when hubby snaps. It took a while but she saw my POV and told N she was mistaken about the bed time and totally agrees with us. She’s been aligned with us since then. I don’t think she will let him come visit next Summer though. Plus next summer Hubby and I will have our first child reach about 6 months and we expect N’s behavior to slip back into bad habits unless Sister actually leaves her abusive BF which is a coin toss at this point.

    Thanks for all the advice last week! I’m glad I’ve been able to give N some reprieve and I really hope his home life improves but I’ve also accepted that there is only so much I can do living 1,000 miles away.

    1. Anonymous Ampersand*

      Glad things are going better and N has a more stable influence even if it’s just a few weeks.

    2. Chaordic One*

      It’s good to know that things are working out a bit better.

      This probably isn’t very helpful for you to hear, but this could well be one of those life-changing for the better things that won’t become apparent until years in the future.

    3. LilySparrow*

      Oh, I’m so glad things went better. And massive thumbs-up to your husband for modeling that men express their negative feelings with words, in a kind way!

      !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      I’m glad your sister heard you. I hope she takes it to heart and is able to make a plan and get them both safe.

      And congrats on the baby!

  99. AlligatorSky*

    So I need help/advice ect.

    If you can prove you own something (receipts ect), that proves the thing belongs to you, right?

    My mother is going through my room tomorrow and is insistent that she’s taking or throwing away things she doesn’t like. Things including my TV, PS4, books, games ect.

    As extreme as it sounds, I’m honestly considering calling the police on her tomorrow if she takes anything. I’ll be at work all day though so I’m worried by the time I get home my stuff will be gone :(

    1. Anonymous Ampersand*

      Jesus, this gives me chills.
      Have you got anywhere you can hide your stuff? A friend’s house or something? I don’t think you’re in the north east of England else I’d offer to help :(

      1. Anonymous Ampersand*

        To answer your question, yes that does prove it, and yes you’d be totally in your rights to call the police, but I suspect she would Reasonable (i.e. Lie making herself look like the reasonable one) her way out of it. Document if poss, take photos, email your mum saying “x is mine it’s in my room you do not have permission to get rid” so you have proof.

        I hope you have a plan to get out soon.

        Sending support.

    2. Phoenix Programmer*

      I’m assuming you are an adult. If you are a minor sadly there is probably not much you can do short of storing at a friends hours or in your car.

      It’s pretty lame she is going to toss everything – BUT I also know some 30 somethings who just haven’t cleaned out their room and parents gotta have a right to their space at some time. Not saying that’s you but tossing it out there to readers before we hate bash mom without more details.

      Anyway if you are still living at home can you get a storage unit for the stuff she doesn’t like? Or can you talk to your parents about replacing the locks on your room (may only work if you are paying rent for example).

      Honestly I think a sit down talk in general could be helpful especially if you are living together as an adult. Discuss boundaries and what you need as well as what they are needing. See if you can come to an amicable agreement. It’s not easy!

      Hubby and I lived with his mom for about 6 weeks. It was hell. She made a big show of saying we could stay with her for a year, but started making passive aggressive comments about our move out timeline and hubby being unemployed within a week of arriving. It became too much for us when she started trying to police our free time and began complaining whenever she saw us playing video games. All this despite serious conversations about the timeline, completing the majority of the housework and splitting cooking and food duties. Ultimately we decided to get an apartment and delay buying a house for another year then stay with her.

      1. Anonymous Ampersand*

        Alligator sky has posted before and lives with her mother. I’m not projecting (or not far, anyway).

      2. Not So NewReader*

        The mom in this story is a toxic, toxic hazmat mess. Mom is abusive to AS. This is part of an on-going conversation where we are all cheering for AS to find her way out of this.

      3. Observer*

        Search for her comments on prior Sunday chats. Her mother is a mess, to put it kindly. There is no reason to believe that there is any shred of good faith going on here.

      4. Thlayli*

        Wow. I didn’t realise. AS please make plans to get out. Cancel your holiday plans if you need to do so to fund your escape. Please leave this abusive situation.

    3. London Calling*

      Call in sick or say you have a domestic crisis – because you do – and get a locksmith in to fit a lock on your door. List all your stuff tonight and take pics on your phone, dig out receipts and keep them safe and call 101 and ask for advice. Never mind that she’s your mother, get medieval on her. She doesn’t deserve the name.

      And get the HELL out of there.

      1. Phoenix Programmer*

        A locksmith probably won’t put a new lock on a door in a house not owned by that person.

        1. London Calling*

          I didn’t think of that. Then she definitely needs to log this with 101. AS, can you take any of this stuff with you tomorrow?

        3. Lilysparrow*

          You don’t need a locksmith to install a locking doorknob, just a screwdriver and the ability to follow directions. Or a plain latch and padlock, for that matter.

          But that is more likely to lead to escalation than storing belongings offsite.

    4. Gatomon*

      You can prove you own it, but if she dumps your PS4 in the trash and it breaks, I’m not sure how much luck you’ll have getting her to replace it or fix it. A receipt is good proof for reasonable people. She doesn’t sound like the kind of person who can be reasoned with.

      Do you have car or trusted friend who can take your items? Or a safe space you can stay at?

    5. Thlayli*

      I agree with the idea of staying home from work tomorrow to prevent this. I would suggest you get a storage unit to lock up all your stuff (you can prob book one online) or ask a friend to mind it for you till you get your own place. Pack your stuff up tonight and bring it there in the morning (use a taxi or ask a friend for a lift if you can’t drive) then go into work (call tonight if poss to tell them you’ll be late). Then start searching for a place to live ASAP.

      1. Triple Anon*

        A lot of storage places in my area offer the first month free. Some offer free use of a moving van too.

    6. Courageous cat*

      I don’t think you’ll have too much use calling the police if it’s her house. Some context would be helpful probably – your age, do you pay rent, what’s the dynamic/cause for her doing this, etc. If you’re a minor, then I would definitely think there’s not much they can do.

      1. Triple Anon*

        If she’s an adult, I think they’d have to treat it like, “I staying at this person’s house and they’re stealing my stuff.” But if there’s no lease and no rent being paid, things could get tricky. The mom could claim that the stuff is the rent or make up some other justification. The police might just recommend small claims court or a family violence support organization. Or they might be biased and not want to get involved because it’s a family dispute. If they’re really biased, they might blame AS because she’s living with a parent. So it might be worth while to contact any kind of family violence org in addition or as an alternative. Ones that can help with this kind of thing don’t exist everywhere, but it’s worth a try.

    7. Observer*

      I now that this is not what you wanted to hear, but your mother is telling you something – although it’s NOT what she THINKS she is telling you. She thinks she’s telling you that she can make your life as miserable as she wants to, even if you have the temerity to make plans that you will enjoy. She believes it too. And she’s going to keep on trying.

      What she is REALLY telling you is that you really, truly need to move out. Make sure your bank account is secure from her. Move your stuff out, even if you have to rent storage space. Then make plans to get out! Even if you can’t move in with your friend, find some way to get out even if it means living on your own. Despite what she’d like you to believe, you CAN do it.

      1. Anonymous Ampersand*

        You CAN do it, AS.

        One of my friends was terrified to leave her abusive marriage because she has an auto immune disorder and her shitty ex had her convinced she couldn’t live on her own.

        Turned out once she left that it’s far easy to manage her flareups (which have been worse!) without him around.

        I think there’s a reason that you can do your tasks in work no problem but struggle in your personal life. I think the reason is Your Mother.

        Are there any domestic abuse services that might help? Women’s aid can’t but they might be able to point you in the right direction.

        Good luck AS.

  100. smoke tree*

    Relatively inexpensive restaurant recommendations for San Francisco? I’m feeling a little overwhelmed!

    1. Anonymous Educator*

      Art’s Cafe (breakfast and lunch only).

      Kim Son Restaurant (lunch and dinner).

    2. Erika22*

      Highly recommend Chabaa (Thai) – near union square, fantastic Thai food at excellent prices. Also try La Mediterrane – near the Castro (at market and noe), has a set menu for $10 that’s perfect for a light but filling lunch. Tara Indian is near the Castro also, and it’s my favorite Indian restaurant in the city (and decently priced to boot.) El Toreador (Mexican) in West Portal is super fun and good prices for a lot of food (though it’s not the best Mexican in the city by far).

      Source: just moved away from there and had little money to spend but love food :)

      1. Woodswoman*

        Second La Mediteranee. Also not far from there is Crepevine, a good choice if you have a group with different dietary needs including gluten-free options. Crepevine has another location on Irving Street.

        Hmm… this thread is making my hungry. I think I’ll take myself out for a meal today!

    3. Woodswoman*

      If you like Eritrean/Ethopian food, a favorite is New Eritrea on Irving Street. They’re only open for dinner, not lunch.

      Both Sunrise Deli on Irving and Park Gyros on 9th Avenue have excellent Middle Eastern food.

      Mandalay on Clement Street is moderately priced and has yummy Burmese food. Get there early to avoid the crowds.

      2. Anonymous Educator*

        I think Mandalay’s one street over on California. If you’re on Clement, B-Star is a great little spot, though.

    4. PseudoMona*

      Ananda Fuara. It’s a vegetarian/vegan restaurant on the corner of Market and Hayes.

  101. ZarinC*

    Which area of San Francisco? If you’re on the west side of the city:
    Hard Knox
    Bambinos
    Patpong Thai (excellent lunch specials)
    El Toreador

    Note: Inexpensive by San Francisco standards (which is probably considered expensive elsewhere )

  102. Environmental Compliance*

    Just checking in. Finally, finally saw a doctor. I have a diagnosis and an Rx for Lexapro. Felt real weird the first couple days, but now I feel….less staticky?

    Also just ordered a set of US size 000-000 needles for a lace sculpture project, so wish me luck on not stabbing my fingertips out with those when they come in…

  103. Zona the Great*

    Can I get an idea how some of you would have behaved in the situation I just found myself in?

    Just now someone knocked at the door and I wouldn’t have normally answered being home alone and in a newish city and neighborhood. But my little mini-door window thing (like Red’s door in Pineapple Express–what is that called?) was open so she, the caller, was looking right at me. I opened the door and said hi and she extended her hand for a handshake and said, “Hi, I’m Amy!” It was clear she was not a neighbor as I’ve met mine and she had a clipboard and a stack of literature.

    I just said, “hi” with a quizzical tone indicating she needed to continue saying more. But instead she sort of spoke down to me like you would a child and said, “and what is your name?”. I said, “I’d prefer to let you continue announcing yourself.” I’m in Toastmasters and do pride myself on being able to deliver such a line without hostility but she was clearly very put off. She stayed and tried selling me a newspaper subscription but looked pretty upset. I just said no thanks and bid her a good day.

    How would you all have dealt with that? Was I mean? She wasn’t a child or anything. She looked to be in her 30s.

    1. Ali G*

      Ugh we get solicitors all the time in my neighborhood. You were fine – why should you be expected to give your name to a complete stranger?
      I typically don’t answer the door. One time this really obnoxious guy knocked on the door and I didn’t answer. He yelled into the house – I see you and I know you are home!
      I opened the door and told him that just because he knocked on my door I was under no obligation to answer. Then I closed the door.

      1. Anonymous Ampersand*

        Living in the UK… I read this and was like ‘…. why on earth are legal professionals going from door to door?!’
        Solicitors has a different meaning here.

    2. A username for this site*

      I would have asked what her business was without opening the door. Once the door is open, an unscrupulous person can stick their foot in the doorjamb and push their way into your home. It isn’t safe to open the door to solicitors.

      1. Ali G*

        I will add that I answer the door with 30 pounds of snarling rage. My dog would not hesitate to emasculate any man that tried to enter my house uninvited. He’s a total jerk and I capitalize on that as much as needed. I also manage it so our friends are spared :)

    3. Thlayli*

      You were pretty polite. I probably wouldn’t have given my name before finding out what she was up to either. Don’t think anyone trying to sell stuff has ever asked for my name before. Certainly not before telling me what they were selling anyway.

      I get randomers trying to sell stuff all the time. One guy who claimed he was selling house alarms wanted to come in and look at my house alarm before telling me the details of what he was selling! I told him I didn’t want to deal with any company who was so bad at security they encouraged their customers to let strangers into their house to look at their alarms!

    4. Caledonia*

      I just tell people who are door to door or stop me on the street that either I am signed up already or that I don’t sign up to charities etc this way.

    5. nep*

      I never answer the door unless expecting someone. I guess you were a bit stuck because she was looking right at you. (Though I wonder whether I’d have said something like–Is it urgent? I’m in the middle of something…)
      You did fine, given the circumstances. No way I’m going to start giving someone my name or any other information till the person fully explains what’s up.

      1. many bells down*

        I’ve often decided not to answer the door even if I know the person knocking can see me. There’s no rule that says I HAVE to answer my door to a random person, even if they know I’m home. If they don’t like it, well, too bad (I get a lot of contractors and such trying to sell me various home remodeling services but I rent and it’s a waste of both our time).

    6. HannahS*

      Nah, I think you’re good. I usually just say, “What can I do for you?” and if they start in on a speech I say firmly, “I’m in the middle of something. What can I do for you?” My dad would often firmly say things like, “You’re interrupting our family meal. If you could please get to the point.” I wouldn’t give my name. My view is, they’ve come to MY home, on MY property (or, uh, in the hallway of an apartment building that I don’t own but that they shouldn’t be soliciting in), and are interrupting ME in order to try and get MY money. It’s ok for me to demand–in a non-hostile manner–that the conversation not waste my time. If it’s for a charity, I’m a tiny bit more patient, but I usually get them to give me a pamphlet and leave. I don’t let them get through their whole script, because I don’t give money to people who go door-to-door, so it’s a waste of both of our time.

    7. Sorry about that*

      When I get door to door people I unseemly tell them I’m not interested before they usually have a chance to say anything. Had one question that and I pointed out that I didn’t know him and I didn’t invite him to my house. If I’m especially annoyed I’ll ask if they have a solicitors license required of most people/organizations that go door to door in my township.

    8. Gingerblue*

      I think you were very collected! If someone wants to try condescension, it’s on them if they don’t like the results.

    9. Someone else*

      If I accidentally open a door to someone selling something I generally just look at the clipboard, say “No thank you” and shut the door without letting them continue their pitch.
      What you did was reasonable if this were a person there to sell you something, and they probably get much worse on a daily, if not hourly, basis.
      FWIW, I can’t recall a time I’ve ever been asked my name in this context. They usually ask “are you the homeowner” and if I say yes, then they proceed with some spiel that I then reject.

        1. Someone else*

          I got that not terribly long ago. I said “I’m 30 and own this house” and then shut the door.

    10. LGC*

      Like…yeah, I think saying “I’d prefer to let you continue announcing yourself” was a little terse – kind of like when Obama said “Please continue, Governor,” in one of the debates with Romney in 2012. For what it’s worth, it’s probably because the literal text is more of a command, rather than a request – and although nonverbals count for a lot, they only go so far. If I were in your position, I’d have likely said something to the effect of, “Actually, would you mind if you continued introducing yourself?”

      But also, don’t worry too much about managing her feelings. (This is easier said than done – and I actually think that the fact you’re concerned about how she feels reflects well on you as a person!) Amy’s in a line of work where you kind of have to develop a thick skin – this isn’t to say that door-to-door salespeople / canvassers / missionaries / Jehovah’s Witnesses / et al. should ever be treated poorly, but it’s also kind of expected that some people will be jerks to you. (This is why I could never go door-to-door myself!)

      1. Observer*

        What Zona the Great wasn’t CLOSE to jerk territory, so it’s not even about having a think skin. And, although Zona may have been a bit terse, I see no reason why she should NOT have been, and every reason to be terse. This is someone who is a perfect stranger, more or less invited herself in and then started fishing for information rather than courteously introducing herself. “Would you mind?” gives WAY too much control to people like this.

        1. LGC*

          Let me rephrase that: I still think what Zona said was a bit terse. (I don’t think there’s a way to say that line without it sounding at least a little terse.) But really, the problem is an Amy problem – she’s in a line of work where people will be outwardly rude to her. (Zona wasn’t.) If she’s visibly shaken by what Zona said, she has issues with her job.

          (Also, my preferred MO for escaping marketers is to white lie my way out of it – saying that I’m in a rush, for example. You’re right, it does leave the door open for pitches, but it has been pretty effective in keeping them off my back.

    11. Lilysparrow*

      You were absolutely fine. I probably wouldn’t have directly declined to give my name, but just answered with a question like, “What are you here about, Amy?” Or “How can I help you?”

      She was working a programmed script, and by refusing to play along as directed you forced her to improvise. And she didnt like that, either because she was green enough to be unsure how to proceed, or because she was experienced enough to know that people who dont play along rarely buy.

      Since you could see that she was put out, Im voting she was green.

    12. Courageous cat*

      Not mean at all. She’s a stranger intruding on your solitude in your home, you have every right to place the burden on her to do the talking. I would have done the same thing.

      Honestly I think cornering people like that in their own homes (particularly with your mini-door thing open) is rude, but I’m just not a fan of door-to-door anything in general, or people talking to me on the street, or other such things – I don’t think we owe strangers any conversation.

      1. Courageous cat*

        For further clarity, I will say this comes partially from living in a large city, and the discomfort that comes with having strangers try to command my time, particularly men talking to me as a youngish woman like I owe them a response.

        It’s just something that makes me feel very angry and self-righteous now because I come across it so frequently in certain parts of town.

    13. Triple Anon*

      I wouldn’t worry about it. She was just doing her job, but she was doing it badly. It’s ok to respond appropriately to condescension.

      Fwiw, I get the same kind of thing all the time. People think I’m a lot younger than I am. I try to politely let them know that they’re out of line. Then I pay it forward by trying to treat younger people more respectfully. I don’t want to be part of that problem.

      1. Triple Anon*

        Also, when I have to deal with a door to door person or a telemarketer, I use this line, “I’m sorry, but I don’t have time right now. Have a good day!” And then close the door, hang up or walk away. In other words, I try to be nice but end it fast.

    14. Observer*

      I don’t think I would have answered the door without asking her business first. But having done so, your response was perfect. Not mean, perfectly polite and clearly boundary setting. Of course she was put off – she wanted to make a sale! But there is nothing mean in refusing to buy something just because someone wants to sell it.

  104. Ali G*

    OMG I am totally procrastinating on something I absolutely have to get done in the next hour. What is wrong with me??? It’s important, my husband is gone so I should be able to bang this out but I just can’t summon the energy. So far I’ve been “trying” for an hour, and the only thing I was successful at was drinking a glass of wine :/
    Just venting at myself!!!

    1. Zona the Great*

      Haha you responded to me so I’ll do the same. I’m currently typing instead of deep cleaning while hunny works a 12. So i get it! I smoke instead of drink and that’s what I’m doing. Usually that helps motivate me– I know that seems strange but it does. But not today. I think it has to do with not getting a day to myself very often. I even had my groceries delivered today! Ugh…

    2. Gingerblue*

      Ughh, this has been the last two weeks for me. I find that the more urgent something is, the more reluctance I have to start it.

      1. Ali G*

        OK so I did The Thing. Then I took the dog for a walk and ran into my BFF and we ended up drinking on her deck until the weather changed. Then my hubs came home drunk as a skunk and I had to put him to bed. BTW I forgot how GREAT a movie Hildago is. Seriously. Although the premise is a little off (Mustangs are actually not native to North America, but I get that actual Native Americans have incorporated them into their culture, so they are important), the move is so good.
        Now I am waiting out the thunderstorm so I can take the dog for a walk and go to bed. Good thing I don’t have to be at work until 10 am tomorrow….
        …and now it’s pouring. I’m never getting to bed.

  105. nep*

    This afternoon I bailed on going to an event that was fairly meaningful to me. I hadn’t checked traffic situation/conditions (bad move) and it turns out the non-freeway road I normally take to this venue is closed. USE DETOUR blared the orange signs. I turned back. Yes, I shrunk into my comfort zone and it sucks. I just decided in the moment I didn’t want/need the stress of the freeway. It’s been a rough few weeks so I think that’s part of it; I wasn’t feeling very powerful.
    Well I can’t look at things as all or nothing. I can make up for this and turn things around. Just…yuck.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Yep, shrinking back does suck. Perhaps you might find it comforting to hold on to the thought that we are where we are supposed to be, meaning perhaps you were not supposed to go today. Yeah, not logical, I know. But since when is life logical, not often enough, right?

      So I have been practicing this “trust you are in the right place” thing for a few years now. I use it to help handle worry when things fall through. And I tell myself to look around where I am with fresh eyes to see if there is something I should know, something new or whatever.
      I hope something else comes up very soon that you are looking forward to just as much.

    2. Ali G*

      Oh, I know how that goes. You have the process all planned out, and then it gets thrown off. Transportation in general is a huge point of stress for me, so I get it. I hope you don’t regret not going too much.

  106. Free Meerkats*

    New (at least to me) PBS show, “Food Flirts” is riotously funny. Two seventy-something Jewish women in Boston going into various kitchens around town and learning to make things, then throwing a party with a mashup of cuisine. Can you say pastrami ramen noodle kugel?

  107. LizB*

    My summer experiment with being on a recreational softball team has been going… less than swimmingly. It’s really unfortunate, because I really like the people I’m playing with and it’s been fun to be out in the outdoors more often. But I’m straight up the worst player on the team (like, it’s not even close) and now I’ve kind of flaked out of two games due to not feeling well and/or having too much stuff going on. I feel like they’re not going to want me back next season. Maybe I can just be a spectator next year? Or maybe that would be even more awkward. Bleeeeh.

    1. nep*

      I reckon these things are magnified in your mind, and that others are not even registering it.
      Is the atmosphere with the team welcoming and open? Does anyone indicate (however subtly) having a problem with your abilities? If people are basically having fun and it’s a setting that’s encouraging for all levels, then I wouldn’t worry about your skills. And your skills will improve all the time.
      As for missing a couple games because of life stuff, that can happen to anyone.
      It sounds like there are a lot of positive aspects of this undertaking for you; I hope you’ll be able to focus on those and stay with it.
      I struggle in the same way, and I need to take my own advice. I had such a fantastic time with some weightlifting training I did for a few weeks; part of the reason I bailed was I can’t really afford it, but also I felt like I was ‘in the way’…everyone else was far ahead of me as far as ability. I’d like to think that when I can afford it on a regular basis again, I’d resume. (Everyone was a novice once, I keep telling myself.)
      All the best and keep us posted.

  108. The Greyhound Mom*

    It’s late but I just want to share how happy I am about something! Husband is a fantastic amateur photographer and always takes amazing pictures of our dog and her playmates at the park but for the past several months he’s been too stressed/tired from work to do it. This week our dog was being extremely adorable and today is her one year adoption anniversary, she has gone from a timid, trembling thing hiding behind me the whole time to a confident girl willing to run around the field with anyone. Husband was feeling really good today and was able to take pictures of her! I haven’t seen them yet but I’m so excited to have some good pictures of her again, and for her special day too! My phone photography is rather hit and miss, I do have an Instagram for her (Tetrathegreyt if anyone’s curious) and I love getting good shots to post online but it’s just such a special treat to see her captured in high definition. I should think about getting some prints!

    1. Ali G*

      Happy Gotcha Day Greyhound Doggie!
      Wonderful! This November is my 10-year Gotcha Day for my mutt. Thank you for adopting!
      If your husband needs motivation – maybe an Instagram account to post cute doggie pics? If it is something he enjoys, getting positive feedback may encourage him to do more (which in turn helps him keep up his hobby which is good for him!).
      He can even link to various rescues and stuff and maybe get more exposure for dogs that need homes. I would totally do this if my dog was social. He’s a jerk so right now, not so much.
      I’m glad you are all doing well and your pup is blossoming. It’s so rewarding :)

  109. Unbelievable*

    Hi. An update from last week – 1) daughter is set for next semester. Took a Parent Plus loan to cover it. We swore we would never do this, but she is an upperclassman so close to the end. 2) went to see my regular dr, she prescribed an anti-anxiety. Took it in the morning, I feel buzzed. At night, I have insomnia. Going to go back to the mornings, haven’t slept in 3 days. 3) was accepted for state help for mortgage, but can you believe it since we aren’t 90 days late, the federal backer won’t accept it. So I guess we have to stop making payments to get help? 4) dad getting better cancer wise, dementia is worse. It’s shocking to see him slide so fast. Playing phone tag with ALZ support person. 5) other major family problems with sibling, I keep repeating “not my monkey, not my circus”. I hope you all have a surprisingly great week!

    1. Thlayli*

      Glad some things are getting sorted. I hope everything else gets sorted soon too. Hugs.

    2. MechanicalPencil*

      Glad to hear from you and that some things have been resolved a bit.

      The only thing I’ve thought of is that I know some larger churches occasionally have a gerontologist/senior adult ministry type thing that could help you find resources in your area. I wish I could think of more or do something to help.

      1. Unbelievable*

        Thank you, I appreciate your suggestion and will add it to my list of resources that I am working on.

  110. Cat mummy*

    I finished my Masters (which I did while working full time) and am now very, very bored after work! I do my exercise in the morning so I may add a class or two, but otherwise am looking for a hobby that takes up time and brain power, and doesn’t involve staring at the TV all night (current situation…)

    1. Cruciatus*

      Congrats! Without knowing what you’re into here are some of the first things that come to mind: Pokemon Go (get more exercise! And the game is as simple or as complex as you want it to be), knitting/crocheting, geocaching, learn complex recipes, book club/reading, learn a new musical instrument, learn a language, do a puzzle, play puzzle games (sudoku, crosswords, etc. My favorite has many names (nonograms, picross, griddlers)). If there are other people you could play board games with them (Ticket to Ride is great. Easy to learn, requires a little luck, a little strategy). I hope you find something!

      1. Cat mummy*

        I’ve ordered a cross stitch kit, just waiting for it to arrive! I just need something complex enough to keep me busy but not something I can’t get back to if I put it down for a day or two :)

  111. Jaid_Diah*

    I just made a batch of Butter Chicken (%New York Times), only subbing extra firm tofu for the chicken and adding additional veggies. It freakin’ smells delicious and I’m looking forward to taking some into work tomorrow…

    I don’t normally cook, so I’m very proud of myself for getting it done. :-)

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