weekend free-for-all – July 28-29, 2018

by Alison Green on July 28, 2018

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: I’ve read a string of books lately that I haven’t loved, so I have no recommendation this week. If you have one for me, please tell me below! (Current preference: literary fiction about mildly dysfunctional families.)

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{ 1,399 comments }

{ 1,399 comments… read them below }

  1. London Calling*

    Alleluia, alleluia, the very hot weather has broken with thunderstorms and rain and in London this morning we have clear fresh air, a lovely cool breeze and the temp in my sitting room has dropped five degrees. I swear the entire country breathed a sigh of relief.

      1. London Calling*

        Prolonged hot and dry weather has still not stopped weather forecasters simpering about ‘threatened’ rain. The price of animal feed is through the roof leading to increased prices later, there are fires and threatened hosepipe bans, but these nitwits still call the prospect of rain a ‘threat.’

        1. Snark*

          Same in my very different neck of the woods – we’re in the jaws of a very severe drought, I’ve been worrying about some nitwit ashing a cigarette in the canyon west of our house and burning half the city down, and the weather guy is like, oh, the monsoon rains will be kicking up, hope it doesn’t interfere with your cookout plans this weekend!1!!.

          1. OyVey*

            I remain convinced we’re internet neighbors by way of your use of the severe drought/monsoon combo. We cancelled a state park day trip today because of the forecast but it’s sunny and only about 80 right now. Perfect park weather, in other words.

    2. Tau*

      Sitting over here in Germany I am SO jealous. Thunderstorms forecast but not on the horizon yet and I am getting very very sick of 35 degree weather!!

      1. Myrin*

        It’s literally on the horizon here right now! It just became all grey and suspiciously windy ten minutes ago – will keep you updated!

        1. Tau*

          Still super-sunny up here in the northeast, although looking at the weather radar I do see a lot of thunderstorms in other areas (and Chemnitz and Hameln both look like they’re being hit by the wrath of Zeus). Here’s hoping some of that rain makes it our way!

          1. Myrin*

            False alarm, now it’s sunny again.
            Granted, the alps literally start in my hometown and I feel like they shelter us from a lot of extreme weather from all over the scale – it hasn’t actually been that hot here at all (never reached 30 degrees) and we’ve had a steady (literal, ha!) stream of rain almost every day lately (last Sunday was SO RAINY, for example, while everyone else sweltered away).

            1. Tau*

              OK, jealousy! We’ve been having real problems with drought over here, the trees are starting to go yellow, and it’s been hot. :(

              However, I’ve been tracking a line of thunderstorms advancing eastward most of the day and I’ve finally heard the first thunder. I’m basically standing ready to open all windows ASAP as the temperature drops, haha.

                1. Tau*

                  It rained all last night here too (which I knew about because I seem to have developed insomnia this summer, sigh). Temperature is currently a balmy 23 C and it is glorious, although apparently it’s supposed to go over 30 again this afternoon.

            2. Snark*

              Can sympathize – we’re in a weird little crook in the mountain range where most storms come down one valley or around the south end of a mountain chain, and whichever way they go, they usually divert just north of us, or keep going southeast and never even think about heading through our area. That is, when the weather at the foot of a 4200m mountain is predictable at all, which is to say essentially never….

      2. Julia*

        Careful what you wish for. This German in Japan has been wishing for some relief because 35 (or 39 O_O) degrees in Tokyo feel like 44 (the weather app literally says “felt temperate 44°C”, and now we’re having a nice typhoon, storm and tsunami warnings etc. It’s still oppressively hot, though. I used to complain about 35°C in Germany, but now that feels really tame. Granted, at least Japan has air conditioning.

      1. London Calling*

        I was hanging out of the sitting room window a 11 last night after our rain. ‘Cold air! COLD AIR!’

        1. Glowcat*

          When I was back from Spain a two weeks ago I got off the plane in shorts and tank top in a Norwegian rainy night and refused to get changed because I *wanted* to be cold… now it’s 31 degree here too, again, and we are all worried.

    5. Thlayli*

      Weather finally broke here too! Never thought I’d be happy to see rain. Hope the hosepipe ban ends soon – there are 18 spiders around my front door, many of whom have laid egg sacs and I would much prefer if my husband could hose them away rather than one of us having to go out with a duster or something – eergh!

      1. Stacy*

        Peppermint or lemon essential oil will help get rid of them. They hate it, so won’t cross the threshold, just spray/apply with a cotton ball around your door frame, including the bottom. Peppermint oil is the sole reason I am able to sleep with my window open these days!

    6. Foreign Octopus*

      Honestly, I feel like the only person not affected by the heat this summer.

      It’s been so wet in the North of Spain. In the last week, it’s been raining, grey, and drizzling every day. Not that I’m complaining. I’d prefer that than the heat that I’m seeing my parents suffering in the UK. Hope everyone’s doing their best to staying cool and keeping an eye out for dogs in cars.

      1. Jen RO*

        It’s been rainy and cool (for July) in Romania as well. We’ve barely had a couple of days above 30 C.

      1. A bit of a saga*

        And in Brussels! I’ve had enough of this weather now, we’re not equipped to deal with it!

    8. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Its like you can function and think again!

      I did a bunch of cleaning this morning I had been putting off because it was too hot to move without pouring in sweat, and the cats actually have some pep again. Got some decent sleep too for the first time in weeks too!

      Unfortunately with the strong winds, next door has left for the weekend and has a wardrobe door or bedroom door slamming shut every few minute depending on the vacuum effect and its a little annoying.

      Its supposed to warm up again by next Friday but not nearly as hot and its only for a day or two and then back down to more tolerable amounts.

    9. Bacon Pancakes*

      107(F) today and tomorrow. By Monday we are suposed to be down to 103(F). Last Thursday was 111(F) with the heat index. I am ready for it to end.

      1. Former Employee*

        I’m in one of the valleys in the Los Angeles area where it’s finally down to the low 90’s. A couple of weeks ago it was 113 degrees here and it stayed 100 for about a week. We expect to see temps like that in Las Vegas, not in SoCal! Of course, we could use some rain, but it almost never rains here in the summer.

        1. Bacon Pancakes*

          Yup, I am in the north Sacramento Valley so right there with ya. Do you have many fires right now? The Care fire is terrible up here!

    10. StellaBella*

      I am so mixed on the weather! I live in North Wales and we had nearly 8 weeks with no rain – maybe twice in that time. I LOVED it as it was warm too. However, could not see the eclipse Friday night because of massive storms we had from 4pm to 6pm, then again last night and today. So disappointed. But the good thing of the rain is not having to water the garden and also the neighbour cats stay more indoors and the rain washes away all of their smells too so my cat (indoor only kitty) is happier as the interlopers cannot be seen, heard, or smelled. So … mixed on the rain.

    11. Jules the First*

      Except it’s now too windy or wet in my neighbourhood to open any of the windows in the living room (I get a heckuva crosswind six storeys up), so my flat is actually more unpleasantly hot now than it’s been all week. Plus humid….eugh.

      I’m trying hard not to complain because man do we need the rain, but Thursday was perfection and I miss it already.

  2. Daria Grace*

    I highly recommend Anna Spargo-Ryan’s book The Paper House. It’s an amazing magic realism influenced literary fiction book about a family trying to find their way in life after facing a miscarriage and mental illness. It sounds like it would be really depressing but it’s oddly hopeful. The writing is really beautiful. I’m not sure if it’s been released in print in America but its worth the effort to track down a copy

    2. PhyllisB*

      I just finished two books this last week. The first one was The Clock Dance by Anne Tyler. It was all right (I gave it three stars) but nothing special. If Anne Tyler is your favorite author, forgive me, but I just don’t get all the excitement about her books. This is the third one I’ve read over the years, and I felt the same about the others. One I haven’t read but heard lots of praise for is The Accidental Tourist. Has anyone here read it? Did you like it? I might try that one, and if I don’t care for it, I’m going to move on from her. One I DID read, and really loved was A Day with a Perfect Stranger by David Gregory. This is a Christian book, so if reading about having a relationship With Jesus Christ does not interest you, I would pass on this one. If this does interest/intrigue you (it’s not preachy at all) you need to read Dinner with a Perfect Stranger first.

  3. Ginger Sheep*

    Long-time reader, new commenter. I picked up a new hobby six months ago, and am really into it. However, if the hobby is apparently relatively common in the United States, Japan, and some other countries, it is completely unknown in my home country. My friends and family agree I am really good at it, but are at best uninterested, at worse make fun of me for it (it is a very girly, stay-at-home-mommyish sort of thing, which is totally not my type) or are critical of the time waste (as a single mother with a full-time job, I am really pressed for time). I would like to connect with other persons around this hobby, but don’t know how to proceed. I am not at all on social media, but created an account on Instagram shortly after starting my hobby to showcase my work. The issue is, not being on social media before, I do not have anyone to friend, and am apparently not good at hashtags – I have very few followers after almost six months of consistent posting, and get very few likes. There is also a website/forum for this hobby, on which I post my work and who organises bi-monthly challenges (very fun, I always participate!), but on which people do not appear to comment or discuss much.
    I have found by Instagram/Google stalking exactly three persons in my country who appear to have this hobby. Should I contact them? What other steps can I take?

    1. Little bean*

      If your primary goal is to increase your social media network, I would remind following everyone you can find who seems to have similar interests. Some will follow you back.

        1. Gaia*

          This! Follow everyone whose work on this hobby you like. Use their hashtags. Make sure your profile is public and comment on other posts!

    2. PolicyChick*

      Facebook has dedicated groups you can connect with – for example, I’m part of two FB groups (bird photography and travel photography). You can join FB and not get all carried away and post personal stuff (if that’s why you are reluctant). I have a friend who is an artist (large format oils) and her FB page is just about her art – nothing personal on it at all. I don’t even think she has where she lives listed.

      Since you didn’t specify the hobby, this may not apply but…Is this something you can do in a social setting (like knitting?) you may be able to find a local group. Like knitting, shops where you get your supplies often promote local knitting circles.

      Are there high-profile people that do this hobby semi-professionally? Or that sell their work (either on their own sites or like Etsy)? I think they would be more open to you reaching out to them, than to a private person. You can ask how they got started, how did they grow their hobby-network, etc.

      Good luck and enjoy your hobby! Also disregard any pooh-poohing from friends or relatives! If you are having fun that’s all that counts.

      1. Ginger Sheep*

        Thanks PolicyChick!
        So for full disclosure, my hobby is cookie art!
        I’ve never had a Facebook account, both out of privacy concerns and because I am wary of the time sink it can become (I already have Ask a Manager for taking up way to much of my time!), and with recent revelations on the data Facebook gathers, am not very hot on the idea. But I also find it increasingly difficult to do a number of things without a Facebook account, so have nevertheless been recently considering it…
        As for your other suggestions, my issue is that actually, no one in my country appears to share my hobby, so no local groups, no shops (I have to import all my supplies from abroad), etc. I am very shy about contacting high-profile, professionnal cookie artists (of which there are actually quite a lot! but none here!) because I feel they must be fielding questions from amateurs All The Time, and don’t want to be a pain.
        I am really just trying to find people with a similar interest to share and discuss our hobby, techniques, tools, and to commiserate on difficulties, but really don’t know how to proceed.
        I wonder if my best bet wouldn’t be to contact local artist groups, to discuss with painters? Painters of Ask a Manager, do you think we might have similar concerns?

        1. MissDisplaced*

          I think Instagram and Pinterest would best the best social channels for this so you can share photos if your art. Also consider related hobbies like cake/cupcake decorating or general baking groups. And yes, this hobby is quite popular here, but I really thought you were going to say scrapbooking!

          1. Rosemary7391*

            Definitely this! I’m primarily a cake decorator, but I pick up some interesting ideas from cookie blogs and tend to do a batch once a year or so :) techniques can be similar too.

        2. Nye*

          You might join the r/Baking subreddit – I see gorgeous cookie art posted there regularly. I know Reddit had kind of a mixed reputation, but it has some really lovely and supportive communities related to various hobbies. Since it’s anonymous, not the greatest way to connect in person with other hobbyists, but it could be a great way to get internet feedback and support.

        3. Nicole76*

          I would love to follow your Instagram if you’re willing to share the link. I’m not into cookie decorating myself (I lack the patience) but I love admiring other people’s work.

          1. Ginger Sheep*

            Thanks Nicole! Come have a look if you want to! My Instagram handle is @le_bois_mesle
            :)

            3. Woodswoman*

              Wow, you are an incredible artist. These cookies are beautiful! If you lived in the US, you would win prizes for these at county fairs.

            5. insta*

              You’re only following about 250 people. Follow 5000 people – artists, bakers, makers, cake decorators, cookie artists, farmers markets, art markets, artist collectives, etc. If there aren’t many in your country, follow people in other countries! Engage with them. Like their pics, leave comments. People will follow you, you’re talented and your photos are pretty well composed. Post instastories of time lapse videos of you decorating cookies. And hashtag every single photo and story. Follow hashtags to find new people to follow. It takes work but you can build yourself a really great community through Instagram. I run 4 accounts myself, one private/personal and 3 special interest. I’m not doing anything too out of the ordinary but have about 11k followers. I ALWAYS have people to talk to about my interests, it’s my favorite platform!

            7. Traveling Teacher*

              I looked up your Insta–stunning art! I’ve noticed that a lot of popular instagrammers post a follow-up question to engage followers after the blurb about the inspiration. Like: “What wildlife animal should I make next?” or “Which do you want to eat first?”

              Also, doing Stories showing some of your processes could be a great way to engage followers, too. Like: the best technique you’ve found for X, and so on.

              For family: meh, family approval is overrated, especially for a hobby. I hope you get so popular that they have to eat their words ;)

            8. Cookie Eater*

              They are beautiful!! Do you have farmer’s markets where you are? I’m in upstate NY and we have markets that are for local producers of all kinds of items. It’s a great way to meet people in similar ways.
              Also you could sell to local shops and restaurants. Check out sanitary requirements though. Making some money might quiet the time waste comments.

            9. Nines*

              Those are exquisitely beautiful! Has your family actually SEEN your cookies?! I can’t imagine being snarky about something so well done! Not that it would be cool of them if you weren’t as good at it…

        4. Mallory Janis Ian*

          So your family is making fun of your cookie art hobby? Aren’t they afraid you might not give them any cookies? Seems like a big risk to me! :-)

        5. TL -*

          Ask questions! Some of them may not want to answer, and they won’t, but a lot of people who do this kind of stuff – even the high profile ones – are just like you and they just want to talk about their hobby. So make comments and ask questions, especially if they’re questions like “Your lines are so sharp! What do you use to pipe so cleanly?”

        6. Inspector Gadget*

          Professional artists were once hobbyists – and people love giving advice about things they’re passionate about. Reach out and ask what they did to find a community when they were first getting started, and what helped them when they were first starting out.

        7. neverjaunty*

          As an aside, your friends and family are extremely shortsighted. What fool wants to piss off someone who could be making them delicious cookies?

        10. All Hail Queen Sally*

          Your cookies are beautiful!! I especially love the yellow roses and lace as I am a lacemaker. I will tell my lace guild about them. Were they difficult to make?

      2. Bacon Pancakes*

        +1 for PolicyChick’s advice. I have severl friends who have a FB page for their art so that their friends don’t get bombarded with art photos unless they sign up for it.

    3. Lazy Cat*

      With the huge caveat that I am also trying to make internet friends for my hobby and it’s slow going, I think one key on Instagram is to comment on things other people are doing, so your “name” becomes familiar.

    4. Thlayli*

      I’m not an Instagram user myself but I get the impression that it’s not a very comment-y media form. I think Twitter and Facebook might be better if you want to chat with other people about your hobby more.

      1. Tam*

        Tumblr might also be a good one. I did a quick google search, and there seem to be a couple of specialised cookie art Tumblr blogs.

      2. LilySparrow*

        I don’t see a lot of long-form or substantive comments on IG, but popular posts often have an extensive string of quick remarks or short questions. I have certainly become familiar with some names who frequently comment on the people I follow. There’s also a private message function.

    5. Miso*

      Reddit has a subreddit called cookiedecorating, I assume that’s the same?
      I don’t know how much they actually discuss there, but I’d definitely check it out at least.

    6. Miss Fisher*

      I don’t know if your country would have it, but there is a site here called meetup.com where you can go find or start a group for people with a certain interest in your city. They post dates and activities and you sign up to go to it.

    7. wingmaster*

      Are there any retreats or workshops that you can go to in your country (or even outside)? It’s a great way to network in person. I did that for weaving last October, and I’ve met many weavers of all skill levels from all over the world. To this day, I’ve kept in touch with 5-7 weavers on a group chat. We’ll share our IG post links on our chat, and everyone will comment on this to create more traffic on our posts.

      I’m in the US, we have CookieCon that’s happening this September. If you’re down to do some traveling.

      Also, I checked out your IG. Love your work! Followed you to see more in the future!

    8. ThatGirl*

      Follow @wiltoncakes on Instagram, despite being called cakes they do a lot of cookie art and feature cookie artists, will give you some hashtags to use and possibly more people to follow.

    9. Courageous cat*

      I’m not sure if you don’t already, but post more hash tags in English! That’s the best way to reach a wide following, though it does take some time. I would look at what hash tags other similar artists use in their posts.

    10. Ginger Sheep*

      First of all, thank you all SO MUCH for all your encouragement and support! This is wonderful, I’ve never had so many people see my cookies and comment on them, and this is so encouraging – I really take your compliments to heart, they mean a lot to me. Since I’ve posted this, message, I have more than 50 new followers on my Instagram – wow! (Now I’m afraid to let you all down! ;)
      Secondly, thanks for all your collective advice. I’ve been liking a lot of posts on Instagram, but never commenting, and the people who said I should comment to get my name known and to increase my chances of beeing followed by other Instagram cookiers are certainly right! I will start doing this at once. I’m still on the fence about creating a Facebook account, but am thinking about it.
      Several people have also commented I should get in touch with cake decorators – good idea, I don’t know why I hadn’t considered it. Though the hobby is more confidential in France than in the US, it is increasingly popular, and it is much easier to find cake decorators than cookie decorators! I will try that as well!
      And thanks also for the reddit suggestion – I will have a look in the two forums that have been suggested, because if they are indeed friendly, they sound like a great venue for having actual discussions with other decorators!
      Again, thank you all so much! <3

    11. Quickbeam*

      You didn’t specify the hobby but if it is yarn related I highly recommend Ravelry. It’s the mother lode of yarn crafts. I’ve made friends all over the world.

    12. PhyllisB*

      Ginger Sheep, have not read responses, but just what IS your hobby? It’s hard to give advice without knowing what it is.

      1. PhyllisB*

        Ah!! Cookies!! How wonderful!! I used to do cake decorating (nothing fancy, but my kids loved it when they were young.) I don’t do instagram of Twitter or Pinterest so I won’t be able to see your beautiful creations. (When I have time to “waste”, I would rather read AAM. :-) Have no advice, but it looks like others have given you some great ideas. Just wanted to encourage you to have fun and hope you find a group you can engage with.

        I can relate to having a hobby no one else “gets.” I am an avid reader, and I love to write reviews on the Goodreads site. I have one friend who understands why I enjoy this so, and I have actually had a few people start to follow my reviews. I appreciate it, but I do it more for me than anything else.

  4. Caledonia*

    It’s not about dysfunctional families but it was heartwarming: Dear Mrs Bird by AJ Pearce is a lovely and funny book about teo young women Keeping Calm and Carrying On in WW2 London.

  5. Lizabeth*

    Just got done with The Mere Wife by Maria Dahvana Headley. An interesting take on Beowulf fron Grendal and his mother’s point of view set in modern times. Was a very fast read too. Also reading Seamus Heaney’s translation of Beowulf, which is a vast improvement over the version in Norton’s Anthology from college. What started this? Watching the animated movie that had Angelia Jolie voicing Grendal’s mother. Which wasn’t bad but…want to reread the real deal.

    1. Another Lauren*

      The Seamus Heaney is the best! If you haven’t read any of his poetry, I highly, highly recommend it.

    2. BeenThere*

      I am shocked (now) that I had to read Beowulf in 6th grade. Most people read it in college. I realize now why I didn’t enjoy it ( and I am an avid reader )… it was way over my head!

    3. Gloucesterina*

      I’ll have to check out the Headley. I enjoyed John Gardner’s short novel Grendel!

    4. Thursday Next*

      Seamus Heaney’s translation is beautiful, and Grendal the novel is superb.

      The movie with Angelina Jolie’s was interesting, but…it wasn’t Beowulf, per se.

  6. Former Computer Professional*

    Have you read William Sleator’s “Oddballs”? Technically it’s a children’s book, but as one of my English teachers used to say, “A good children’s book should be a good book for everyone.” (Look at the Harry Potter books!) It’s semi-autobiographical tales from the author’s childhood. To say this is a weird family would be an understatement.

    1. Muriel Heslop*

      I am an English teacher and I say that, too! It’s really true and why the best children’s books hold up over time.

    2. Casca*

      If you are up for children’s books, then Anne Fine is always a good read. Goggle Eyes, Step by Wicked Step, Mrs Doubtfire

      1. Effie, who gets to be herself*

        I loved Goggle Eyes! My public library doesn’t have it anymore :(

        1. Casca*

          I love it too. Hope you run across a 2ndhand copy one day. They also made a miniseries in the 90s (?) that I liked

    5. NiceOrc*

      Hilary McKay has written a lovely family that functions very well, and it’s only after a bit that you realise that there is actually a lot going on! The Casson Family series, starts with Saffy’s Angel. Another I reread every Christmas is Margaret Mahy’s The Tricksters. A large family and friends going to the beach house for the holidays, then some unexpected guests turn up.

  7. A bit of a saga*

    RaIn, glorious rain! The insane temperatures here have made it difficult to find motivation to run these past weeks but this morning I went out for some interval training. I’m now signed up for a flat 10 km in August to really get going on my half marathon training for October. How are the rest of you doing? P.s. I did manage to run not just in Central Park but also across Midtown. Also rented a bike and cycled all over Manhattan

    1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      The thought of a half marathon in cool(er) October weather sounds wonderful right now. I am three weeks into marathon training. First two weeks, there were enough cool mornings to plan my runs strategically… this week, every morning has been like soup and it’s been a real drag to get through. But that’s summer in NYC for you. Your adventures sound very cool!

      1. A bit of a saga*

        They probably sound cooler than they are but NYC was great despite the heat! Good luck with your training, I do need to start being a bit more organised about mine again, too.

    2. Rosemary7391*

      I attempted to run on Tuesday but apparently my ankle injury (ceilidh-inflicted…) had not fully healed and I ended up hopping down the stairs at church afterwards :( so I’m back to the sofa for the next few weeks… I miss it so much!

    3. LGC*

      Good luck!

      This weather has not been great, and to be honest my training has not been great so far. (I had to bail on a 50 minute tempo run Thursday 35 minutes in. To be fair, I was doing it at 7 PM, just as the temperature was coming back down. And I probably went too fast for the weather.)

      Wednesday was actually nice, I thought. (I don’t mind getting caught in a downpour if it’s 75 degrees out and I’m running.)

    4. missc*

      Late to the party but – for the first time in weeks – I really enjoyed my weekend’s running! Cooler temperatures in London and absolutely gorgeous rain yesterday morning. Did parkrun on Saturday morning (I always run parkrun whenever I can, I love it) and then yesterday I ran a gloriously wet and soggy 8 miles with friends along the river. For the first time in ages I actually felt comfortable running, I could breathe, I wasn’t sweating buckets and I could hold a decent pace! It felt great.

  8. Radical Edward*

    I am savouring a Connie Willis short story collection (only reading them on the weekends) and loving how varied they are in scope, setting, and subject matter. She’s technically a science fiction author but I have successfully hooked several friends who aren’t sci-fi readers and will continue to recommend her to everyone I meet! (Currently reading ‘Impossible Things’ but she has another more recent anthology too.) If it’s family dysfunction you enjoy then you must start with ‘Even the Queen’. It’s hilarious and timeless.

    2. Liz in a Library*

      Connie Willis is wonderful! My husband and I are midway through a reread (for me, first for him) if To Say Nothing of the Dog. It is not short, but it is an utter delight!

      1. No Tribble At All*

        To Say Nothing of the Dog is one of my favorite books ever!! I love re-reading it because you can really see how everything fits together

      2. Julianne (also a teacher)*

        I love this book so much! Pretty sure I’ve owned at least 5 copies of it; I keep giving it away because I want everyone else to get to enjoy it, too! Bellwether is probably my second favorite of her books, but I do like the other “Oxford time-traveling historian” universe stories/novels, too.

      3. AnonForThisPost*

        To Say Nothing of the Dog and The Doomsday are two of my all-time favorites! I also love Blackout and All Clear. I really, really wish Connie Willis would write some more time travel books with Mr. Dunworthy and the other historians.

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      Even the Queen, Epiphany, and To Say Nothing of the Dog are right up there for my favorite short story, novella, and novel. I also treasure Newsletter, in which we discern an alien invasion is happening because people start being extremely reasonable. At the holidays.

      Willis has compared her sci-fi writing to attending tupperware parties–if you can solemnly engage in bizarre rituals party games to win a small plastic egg slicer, you can write about the eyestalk-bonding ceremony.

    4. LCL*

      I like Connie Willis. Some of her things I love. Some of her stories, where everything is interpersonal and internal, are hard for me to follow. Passages is an awesome novel. She has a collection of Christmas stories out, that I keep in my ski bag. She speaks at conventions, occasionally and is warm and funny.

    5. Jules the 3rd*

      The moon blues…

      That story has stuck with me for 30ish years now. Available in _The Winds of Marble Arch_, maybe in others.

    6. GibbsRule#18*

      Just sent “To Say Nothing of the Dog” to my Kindle. Sounds right up my alley! I love discovering a “new to me” author!!! Thanks!

  9. Bumble of nerves*

    Update on my Bumbling adventures (okay further venting, whatever): since last week, I’ve had one guy ask to meet for a drink and then cancel about 3 hours beforehand, and another one who asked to meet but kept changing the time/day. I’m already tired.

    1. Waiting for the Sun*

      Online dating is wearying. The profiles blur together after awhile – ooh, another guy who likes the outdoors and cuddling on the couch!
      Sometimes more stressful than a job search, when you factor in the bots and ghosts.
      On that cheery note, I’m supposed to meet a man from POF today. I’m thinking of it as just meeting another acquaintance, as if he were a new member at church, or at a Meetup. We’ll see.

        1. many bells down*

          I’m not looking for dates, but I am using a social app to meet people and I get these a lot. Yesterday I had two of them; one guy’s profile said “I also like the [Music].” Just like that. In brackets. He also worked in the “Industry business.” The other guy had “I play the instrument” and his profile cut off mid-sentence because it was copy-pasted from somewhere else.

          Usually I get obvious Nigerian scammers (when I call them out, they’ll swear at me in Yoruba) but I guess the app’s been cracking down on those because I haven’t had one all week.

      2. Bumble of nerves*

        And much like job searches, it feels like no one wants to hire anyone who’s unemployed. And that feeling like you need to justify ‘gaps’ in your ’employment history’.
        I mean to be fair being single isn’t the same as being unemployed (unless being in a relationship is how you make a living…) but still…

      3. Waiting for the Sun*

        Update: Meeting went fine. Don’t know that any sparks flew, but hewas a pleasant, reasonable person to talk to. Hopefully, the more meetings, the less awkward they become.

    2. annakarina1*

      Ugh, I’m sorry you’re dealing with flakes. On one of my past rounds of online dating, I got fed up and quit because guys kept canceling on me or not committing to a time or date, and I got sick of it.

    3. Triplestep*

      I was recently told (so I have nothing to back this up) that something like 40% of first meetings arranged via apps get cancelled. That seems to be true in my house, where my 22 year old daughter often says she has plans and then suddenly she doesn’t. (I know of two cases where she cancelled on guys who would not agree to meet her in a place she felt was public enough.)

        1. All Hail Queen Sally*

          You can’t be too careful! There was just a story on the news today about a man using dating apps to find women to rape and murder. I am so glad my dating was done pre-computer age.

      2. FutureLibrarianNoMore*

        And one should not assume that they’re cancelling because they’re suddenly no longer interested.

        They might be, but I find a lot of people just chicken out at the last minute.

        1. Clever Name*

          I’ve gone on a fair number of first dates, and 2 of them stood me up. Honestly, I don’t care why they flaked, but I figure they did me a favor because I don’t want to be with a person who lacks integrity. I’ve been on a few dates with a guy who said he almost cancelled our first date because he was really hungover. It definitely not ideal that he was hungover on our first date, but I know he made a big effort to be there, and that has to count for something.

    4. Anonymosity*

      I finally gave up on online dating. There really wasn’t anyone. Plus the sites sort you by age and I like younger guys and I was either getting married dudes, weirdos, or really old men looking for someone to take care of them. I think it’s just a dearth of single people here where I am–everyone gets married really young and tends to stay that way because Jesus.

    5. Aurora Leigh*

      Re: cancelling — my now bf was worried sick before our first date that he would get mandated overtime. He works in a place where his phone has to be kept locked in his car, so if he had been mandated, he wouldnt even be able to text me and let me know what happened.

      And my great grandma died between our first and second date, and I was worried I might have to cancel to attend services.

      Luckily, that didn’t happen! But I would probably give a guy second chance on cancelling. Stuff happens.

  10. Akcipitrokulo*

    My friend’s play is on at the Camden Fringe :D

    “How I Became a Dominatrix Using Damned Lies and Statistics” … should be fun!

      1. Akcipitrokulo*

        It certainly looks it :) She wrote and is producing it and is a bit stressed at the moment… if you google it you can see more details, and the artwork is amazing!

  11. LiL*

    This topic comes up somewhat frequently here, so sorry if I’m repeating things, but lately I’ve been feeling so very lonely. I don’t know if it’s a thing to have a friendship ‘dry spell’, but it feels like that at the moment.

    Two friends I used to hang out with semi-regularly have just moved overseas, and two others are in new relationships which seem to take up most of their time/attention these days. I just found out a friend from back home (I moved here from overseas about two years ago) was on holidays here and didn’t even bother to contact me. I made plans with someone for an event a month in advance and she just ghosted me. Another friend who was going to visit (also from overseas) just cancelled because of stuff she has to deal with back home.

    Of course, people don’t have to hang out with people they don’t want to hang out with, which makes me question what I’m doing wrong that I seem to constantly be on my own. I don’t know who to ask because…well how can you do that without it turning awkward? Alternatively, there could be legitimate reasons for all of these things and it may not have anything to do with me…but then it feels like the universe is trying to tell me I’d destined to be lonely.

    People here sometimes mention finding group activities or events like MeetUp etc, but I’m just feeling so discouraged because if even long-term friendships could fizzle and disappear so easily, what’s the point of trying to forge new ones? Is it even possible to build those kind of connections with people you don’t see every day the way it was back in school or university?

    1. Anonymous Ampersand*

      I have no answers, but I feel this right down to my core. The only thing I can offer is, it’s not just you.

    2. Margery*

      I don’t really have any advice but I feel for you. I found once my mother and father passed away our family fragmented (we’re still talking to one another but don’t really see one another now).

      I sometimes dread the weekends but where I work I’ve started asking some of the girls I work with to go for coffee at the weekend and it’s really helped – just having SOMETHING to look forward to.

      Also I think as you get older it’s much more difficult.

      1. Sally Forth*

        It’s hard to put yourself out there, isn’t it? Fortunately I find that most people I ask for coffee are excited someone took the initiative. I moved back to my hometown after 40 years away and find the Facebook group of my grad class helps. At least we have something to talk about for a while until we find more up to date common ground.

        Last spring I organized coffee for all my female cousins from one side of my family (9 plus their daughters) and only 1 showed up! We had a great time.

        I realized last year, after a lot of effort, that my sisters are no longer my friends. That was really sad and may affect where I live after my mom dies.

        1. seewhatimean*

          Coming to this with my brother. His reactions and interactions have been increasingly based on some story about me that I don’t know, and some slights I haven’t done, and it’s at the point where I doubt I will see my niece and nephew enough for them to know me. Sadly I think some of the damage has been done by one of my parents who reacts extremely oddly to me re my brother, and may be feeding the story brother is creating.

          Sad, because as you mention, it affects things about my parents’ estate in the not-distant future, and we used to be close.

    3. Waiting for the Sun*

      Yes, friendships can fade, and it is painful. I can tell you, though, that new ones can arise. Sometimes they are even deeper than the old ones. I’m one of the least Pollyanna-ish people possible, but I’ve learned this truth over time.
      Find a variety of Meetups, some based on an interest, and some more general, such as a dining Meetup. Good luck. <3

    4. Thlayli*

      It’s hard making friends as an adult, but not impossible. You have to be a bit blatant and be willlinf to risk rejection. I moved to a different country for work and was there for a few years. It took about a year but after that I had a pretty decent circle of friends and never had to stay home alone for lack of people to go out with. For context I was in my late twenties when I moved. I’ve since moved back home to my home country and am still in touch with a couple of people from the other country, at least one of whom I would consider a good Friend still. Things that worked for me were:
      1 Making friends through work. This seems to be really frowned upon on this site, but it worked for me well. Though that was probably because most of the people on my team were about my age and also from overseas / other parts of the country. So if just made sense for us to hang out. We used to do all sorts – to to movies, gigs, did come dine with me etc. I was the one who organised it all and not everyone came to everything and some people didn’t come to anything (mostly the ones from the local area who had their own families and friends around). Don’t take rejection personally is the key and definitely don’t date in work.
      2 living with people. I was earning a decent wage but I chose to live in a shared house with 6 people total. This was great for saving money, but quite stressful for eg housework and making sure bills got paid, but the main reason I did it was for the company. I always had someone to watch a movie with or just hang out I highly recommend it. It all went to disaster after a year and there was all this stressful crap with deposits and unpaid bills and stuff but in the end it definitely helped me get to know not just my flat mates but a bunch of other people around the area through them.
      3 go out wherever you would go if you had someone to go with. The first weekend in my new place when I was still living in the temp accommodation my work organised I was stirring there watching TV and I thought “well I can either stay in every night hoping to make friends by osmosis or I can get out there”. So I went out. I was really nervous so I dressed like a lesbian and tried to give off butch vibes – I figured straight guys would leave me alone (they did), straight girls wouldn’t see me as a threat (which is an actual thing), and actual lesbians and gay men would have good gaydar and would realise I wasn’t actually gay and be either confused or offended and leave me alone.

      I dunno how much of this plan worked, but I didn’t get anyone trying to talk to me directly, and I found a lot of people of different genders totally receptive to chatting with me when I approached them (not like a weirdo, just starting a conversation when we were beside each other at the bar for example). So it worked. I also got to know the different areas and suss out where was probably safe to go and next time I went out I didn’t feel the need to be in disguise.
      4 in addition to going out clubbing, I also went and did other things I would do normally like going shopping or to th movies or out for dinner. I dunno where this weird stigma people have about going out for dinner alone came from – it’s awesome. Bring a book. Sometimes you meet people, sometimes you don’t.
      5 I tried joining sports clubs and while it gave me something to do, people tend to just go and do the sports and then go home so its not really a social thing outside of class, but it is social in class (I do Martial arts but I’d say team sports are probably better for social stuff).
      6 last but not least – date! I’d pretty much go on a date with anyone who asked. I had a lot of first dates, but very few second dates. I met some people through guys I was on dates with and when I had actual relationships I met all their friends too. None of it led to deep meaningful friendships or relationships but it was a lot of fun.

      Hope some of this helps.

      1. anon for this*

        Can I just kindly and gently say that if you’re not actually queer, saying things like dressed like a lesbian and tried to give off butch vibes is offensive and perpetuates the idea that all lesbians look, act, and sound alike. It’s really harmful and makes the struggle for those of us who don’t fit the mainstream idea of queer that much harder. It’s not cool to try and appropriate someone’s identity as a disguise for your own means.

        1. Waiting for the Sun*

          Thanks. I was puzzled why the writer felt the need to dress that particular way – not judging, honestly puzzled.

          1. Thlayli*

            I literally explained it in the post – I didn’t have a clue where was safe to go, id been in the city only a few days. I wanted to be left alone.

            It worked too, so I couldn’t give a flying crap what any of you lot think.

            1. Thlayli*

              And before you start getting offended again, by “you lot” I mean the type of people who judge a woman and think you can criticise the way she chooses to dress.

              One of my closest friends before I moved was gay and I also had other gay and lesbian friends. I’d spent quite a bit of time in gay bars in the couple of years before moving and I knew the fashions in the gay scene at the time. I got a pretty good approximation of a sterotypical butch lesbian at the time. Good enough to fool straight guys at least and keep them away.

              I really don’t see why you find this offensive. You should me more offended by the fact that I felt too scared to dress like either a straight woman or a femme lesbian and I felt the only way I could safely go out in a strange city was to look butch.

              1. butch*

                I’m sorry but as a masculine woman I used to be harassed pretty regularly (I’ve since transitioned). Being butch has never stopped straight guys from deciding that either they needed to protect their “women-folk” from me, tell me I was going to hell (in the subway or bus no less) or they would be the one to “convert” me. Men and women also pretty regularly objected to my bathroom choices. So I think you were just lucky, it was not necessarily how you chose to dress – just like in most cases of harassment/rape, it has nothing to do with how the woman is dressed at all but on how some entitled man decides he is going to exert his power.

        2. Thlayli*

          Guess I should have gone out dressed like a straight girl and put up with guys pawing me all night coz I had no idea where was safe to go.

          God forbid someone might be offended by the way I choose to dress, better make sure I don’t look unavailable to guys!

          Sheesh.

              1. anon bi girl*

                Do you honestly think that no straight girls dress the way you dressed (unless it’s part of a genius plan to trick people)?

              2. Queer As In FU*

                Wow. Do you really not see how incredibly offensive this entire line of reasoning is? Can you really be that ignorant?

                You are a straight woman. Thus you were dressed like a straight woman. Deciding that you know how lesbians all dress is stereotyping people based on their sexuality which is harmful and ignorant.

                2. Ron McDon*

                  The nesting won’t allow me to post under Queer As In FU’s other post below, but I completely agree – I am incredibly surprised and disappointed to read Thlayli’s comments above, as their other comments on this site have been so intelligent and reasoned.

          2. anon for this*

            It’s not offense over your dress, but that you think being a lesbian is a “disguise”. Those of us who are queer don’t get to shrug on or off our queerness whenever we like or use it as a disguise.

            It’s offensive to try and appropriate someone’s identity for your own gain. You don’t get to pretend to be queer because it suits you, because that gives into the very prevalent idea that “queerness” is something people can choose. And it gives bigots more credence that women use queerness to attract or not attract men.

            But sure, miss my point and get defensive over me calling you out for borderline bigoted behavior. I don’t care how you dress. I care when you try and say you wanted to pretend to look or act like a lesbian so straight dudes leave you alone. Just think – you would never use another race as a disguise, so don’t do it with sexuality.

            1. disgruntled anon*

              100% agreed.

              This isn’t a thing that’s okay to do, and Thayli’s defensiveness means that on some level she’s probably aware of that. It’s unkind to try to ‘dress up’ as something we are all the time, and even more unkind to not listen to the response of members of the actual community she was playacting as.

        3. Anon Gay*

          THANK YOU for writing that – as a gay woman I was offended by the original comment from Thayhli (not that that appeared to be a concern for her – she even cheerfully wrote that it may have offended ‘actual lesbians’ which is good so they would leave her alone!)

          1. Thlayli*

            Yeah – I didn’t want anyone to approach me because I was scared! I was all alone in a foreign country on my own.

            If a lesbian was writing in saying she was afraid to go out dressed like herself in case she got attacked so she chose to dress like a sterotypical straight woman and tried to give off straight vibes you’d all be sympathising with her that she felt she had to do that to be safe.

            1. Thlayli*

              Are you offended by LGBT people trying to pass as straight to feel safer? If not then being offended by straight people trying to pass as gay is just plain hypocritical and bigoted.

              1. anon bi girl*

                I don’t get it. Men harass women because they’re *women* — the woman’s (actual or perceived orientation) doesn’t come into it. Straight men harassing lesbians is a thing that happens all the time, so “pretending to be a lesbian will protect me from straight men” is some wild backwards-ass logic and proves you don’t understand the concept of “LGBT people trying to pass as straight to feel safer”.

                Harassment isn’t about sex, much less how people are dressed — it’s a power thing. If you didn’t get harassed by men, lucky you, but this is not an airtight causal link by any means.

              2. anon for this*

                That is not even the same thing. You appropriated an identity which is bigoted and wrong.

            2. seewhatimean*

              wow, you should probably stop. Your antiquated ideas about stereotypes are offensive, outdated and naive, and your defense of them is cringeworthy.

              I’m going to put forth that your belief that how you have dressed is what made people treat you as they did is akin to Dumbo’s feather, or any similar talisman that relies on superstition over fact. You believe strongly that straight women are more likely to be approached than lesbians, for some reason I don’t fathom, but you believe it. And somehow you believe that dressing “like a lesbian” is a real thing and that it makes you less vulnerable somehow. My guess is that you may never understand why this is all in your head, and why you are offending people all the way across the spectrum of sexuality/gender.

              This comment “I didn’t get anyone trying to talk to me directly, and I found a lot of people of different genders totally receptive to chatting with me when I approached them” is extremely interesting and I feel like what it tells me is that what you _actually_ dislike is people approaching you, and not being in control of the interaction by being the person doing the approaching. Therefore I would gently suggest that you go out with the intention of approaching people, not assuming that anyone that approaches you is predatory. Stop defending your dress-up beliefs, and just sit with some of the comments here for a while with an open heart and mind. These are real people, who are truly upset or shocked or angered by your stated beliefs, and who see straight through the denials and delusion.

        4. Maya Elena*

          I didn’t read anything offensive in that; she said nothing derogatory. It seems implicit that she dressed like a “typical” butch lesbian, which is an existing image many lesbians embody, and conveys a specific image, without in any way denigrating it. She’s making no universal statements (“all lesbians fall into the categories of butch or femme”) and certainly no normative statements – (“all lesbians MUST fall into butch or femme categories”).

      2. Glowcat*

        This is all good advice. I’m in the same situation of having just moved to another country and colleagues are the ones I go out with; but in my case also the work environment is pretty international. Coffee shops are also good places, as it is quite easy to start chatting with people but at the same time it doesn’t feel too strange to be there alone. Then of course clubs and gym: if there is a hobby/sport you’d always been thinking about doing and never did, this may be the right moment.
        But the most important thing is just doing the things you’d like: doing them alone is still better than not doing them, and adding regret or envy to the solitude.
        I wish you good luck.

    5. MissDisplaced*

      No, it’s not just you. Our society has just become very disconnected.
      I recently visited with an old friend. It felt so good, and I realized just how isolated I’ve become over the last 6-7 years. I am married, but I mean FRIENDS whom I used to hang with a lot.
      It’s hard to pinpoint a reason other than I work a lot, and weekends mean catching up with chores, etc., plus I’m just tired! Not to mention commuting here is horrible, so I tend to keep close to home after driving to work all week.

      1. MissDisplaced*

        I do stay in touch with friends online, but of course that’s quite different from being/doing things with them.

      2. LiL*

        Yeah the isolation thing can be quite jarring when you think about how much easier it used to be. After being ghosted by my friend I still had the tickets to the event we were meant to go watch, and I realised I couldn’t find anyone to take her place (maybe this was a slightly more difficult case, since it was very last-minute, I gave her the benefit of the doubt and waited until the day of the event before writing it off).

        It’s difficult also because I prefer small gatherings or even one-to-ones to large social events, but that tends to mean smaller social circles and more disjointed connections in general. I wish I could be a social butterfly who’s happy to go to MeetUp events in bars etc, but they’re just not enjoyable for me, besides which the type of people I meet there usually /are/ the more social types, and I just want something low-key. Maybe that’s my problem, the things I enjoy are just too boring.

        1. MissDisplaced*

          I’ve become used to doing a lot on my own, even though I’m married. My husband and I have really different preferences: he likes going to the bar w/the guys and car racing type things, I like shopping, horses, history and museums. I also love the beach, and he burns like crazy, so I’ve even taken weekend trips to beach by myself. It would be more fun with girlfriends, and sometimes I do ask them to go, but they always have money/time issues, so I’ve learned to just go it alone sometimes.

      3. Mazzy*

        I agree. I used to shoot the breeze with random people in the 90s and now I look around and everyone is staring at their phone. People don’t only become disconnected because the times have changed. Personally, my 30s disconnected me from a lot of people because of both geography and lifestyle. One of my former friends let herself go to such a point that she literally can’t keep up with my physically anymore. Her long term boyfriend suggested they come on a hike with me the last time I ran into them. I said sure, but I know she isn’t going to get her knee issues looked into or cut back on smoking and she just isn’t going to be able to do any of the trails I do. Various career paths and levels of success also have their toll. I’d never drop a friend for not being rich or successful, but I’ve definitely had less successful (in terms of career) friends ditch me as our attitudes about work, money, and long term goals shifted to the point that I couldn’t talk to them about the things most important to me. I’d have broke friends living paycheck to paycheck begging me to join them on an expensive trip, and they thought my declining so I could save for retirement and a house was an excuse or that I didn’t like them, not that I was sticking to my goals. In their minds, I bet, I was hoarding cash and being miserly, but in my head, I’m really scared for some of them for the future because they just don’t plan or save. So if we did hang out, what would we even talk about? Gossip the way we did in our 20s? I’m not into that anymore.

    6. Penguin*

      Jedi hugs to you, Lil, if wanted! Do you read Captain Awkward’s blog? (captainawkward DOT com) If not, definitely give it a look; there’s a fair bit of advice around this issue.

      I have some “bigger” suggestions below, but it sounds like you could use some “team me” (see Captain Awkward’s blog) encouragement first, so:
      Friendships lessening and ending sucks, that’s for sure. Your feelings are 100% valid, and giving yourself time and space to feel them is one of the best things you can do for yourself.
      If you don’t have one, try making a list of things that make you feel better when you’re feeling sad/disheartened/anxious/etc. (favorite foods/drinks, pleasant scents, soft blankets, songs that make you feel happy… sensual/hedonistic stuff. Step back from thinking for a bit and focus on feeling.); this is useful for all sorts of low times.
      Give yourself permission and time to grieve ended/changed social relationships. They were important to you, and the feeling of loss is real. Let it be real, let yourself feel it and process it, and eventually it will pass.
      Be patient with yourself. This stuff takes time!
      Forget comparing yourself to others; they’re not you, you don’t know or have their circumstances, so you won’t achieve their results- you will achieve your own.

      I have heard one particular piece of advice for this challenge so often it’s almost a cliché, but as a fellow how-on-earth-do-I-make-friends-as-an-adult, I offer it to you in hopes that it helps: aim to see and enjoy yourself as a whole person outside of other people.
      As far as I can tell, that really means a bunch of things:
      –accept that some, even many, of your overtures to others will be rejected or rebuffed, but (and this is important) that is not a reflection of your worth
      –accept that finding friends can be a long-term effort, and resolve to continue reaching out to other people anyway (some of us are quirky enough that finding kindred spirits is hard! but it’s worth it when we do)
      –work to minimize your expectations around others’ responding to you (life is busy and everyone has their own priorities, but they’re not doing their things AT you)
      –don’t emotionally invest yourself in any individual effort or person (thinking “I have to find someone to hang out with right now, I have to convince this person to do [thing] with me!” puts heavy demands on the other person and that can be pretty off-putting)
      –similar to the last two: keep everything light and unimportant, as if there’s always another time to try again (because if you treat each effort as if the world is depending on it, that’ll come through and work against you)

      Finally (!) an actionable thought:
      Think about/make a list of the things about you that others have enjoyed. Are there hobbies or topics of interest that you’ve shared with others? Are you still interested in them? Try encouraging yourself to spend time on them! Look for places you can share your enthusiasm for them with others, and let others share their enthusiasm with you. Friendship will come, but it needs something to build on first.

    7. Anon for this*

      I’ve recently come to realise just how few people I know that I could call to do stuff with so I entirely understand your situation! I also work in a hugely unsociable office where it wouldn’t occur to anyone to go out for lunch, let alone a drink or similar. The sense of being lonely puts me in such a funk I don’t even want to do things I would normally enjoy if the only company is myself. What I try to do is get out anyway! Ask people – also some I am not that close to – to have a drink. Join a free sports session in the park. And also hang out in coffee shops/bookshops. At least there I am alone but amongst people. I think it is really difficult to make friends when you’re older, especially if there’s no friend-potential at work. So, I think the answer is to work on friendships through the avenues available but also to work on being more comfortable doing stuff on my own. I think it’s hard, but I’m trying!

    8. Falling Diphthong*

      Making friends as an adult is tough. It was a topic at Hax this week, and one thing people recommended was a routine where you’re out and about–that you’re always at the dog park between 8 and 9, at the library film group Tuesdays–so people get accustomed to you through repetition and you can gradually build a friendship from there.

    9. Anonymous Educator*

      Is it even possible to build those kind of connections with people you don’t see every day the way it was back in school or university?

      It is, but you have to find people who are willing to make the effort. It wasn’t until after university that I found out there are a lot of people who are amazing to hang around with and actually amazing to you… as long as you live close to them. Once you move away or they move away, you realize they were “out of sight, out of mind” friends.

      Unfortunately, it gets worse as you get older. At first, you have a core group of friends you can rely on (even if they’re out of sight), but then people get married and start having kids. Once the kids happen, if you’re single without kids or even married without kids, your kid-having friends tend to get caught up with kid stuff, and the adults they most identify with and want to hang out with are other adults who have kids. There are rare exceptions, of course.

      I’ve come to the point where I just accept where people are with me. If people I used to be extremely close with are now more like acquaintances, then so be it. And the few people who really make the effort and return my efforts… I cherish those people dearly.

    10. Muriel Heslop*

      I really recommend volunteering as a way to meet people AND fill your weekends. My colleague started volunteering at our animal shelter and she has made new friends, kept herself active and busy, and unsurprisingly has two new kittens. She is walking dogs twice a week and says she feels better with exercise. Another colleagues volunteers at an elementary school teaching kids to ride bikes and she also raises money to build bikes for the program. She met her current boyfriend this way and says she is happier than ever.

      (These are both introverted and divorced women in their 50s, for context. They both confided in me that they were lonely and are much happier feeling needed and getting out of themselves.)

    11. matcha123*

      I feel the same. The best advice I can give is to continue trying to be visible to friends on facebook or through other means (texting, etc.). Don’t try to put too much on one person, and get used to finding your own activities and being alone. Honestly, I just cried in the shower because I feel so frustrated and have no one I feel comfortable talking to. But maybe it might be OK to just try to call up someone and talk…

    12. Jessi*

      I have moved a ton during the last 5 years (think this is country number 6?)

      If you don’t like drinking don’t join a drinking meetup group! My best luck in my local area has been a coffee morning meetup – very low steaks as the coffee group just meets for coffee every other saturday, and a ladies happy hour meet up. Both of which are smaller groups where its easier to talk to people!

      I think you have to lose this idea that friendship has to be forever to be meaningful – sometimes people are just what you need in a time and a place

    14. Kendra*

      I think having a friendship “dry spell” is very much a normal thing – friendships don’t have contracts so the flow of it would very much be like contract work or anything like that. I’m guilty of being like your friends who moved – I can handle planning activities with local friends and keeping in touch that way, but I moved enough growing up that I can’t handle long-distance friendships with more contact than “let’s have lunch when you’re in town!”

      Related thing – I went to a festival yesterday that I had gotten tickets for months ago, and I had to ask 13 people about it before I finally found someone who could come. Almost all of those people were good friends that I care about and they care about me, but timing/circumstances/etc just didn’t work out. Sometimes you just have to be persistent.

    15. Bethany D*

      Being in a lonely season sucks. And making friends as an adult takes a lot more intentional effort than back when we could just scope out our classmates. But one of my life mottos is “Be the change you want to see in the world.” So if most of the Meetups in your area are aimed at drinking/sportsball/extroverts – maybe you could plan an Introverts At the Library evening! Or a Quiet Coffee & Crafts morning. It will probably take a while to figure out how & where are the best places to advertise to get many/any people, so don’t get discouraged if nothing much happens right away, but at least it’s something proactive to get started with.

    16. AnonForThisPost*

      Another lonely person here so you’re in good company. I really need to work on doing things by myself- I can do some things alone just fine, like taking walks or going to the movies. But there are lots of things that i’ve talked myself out of doing and then I end up staying at home on the couch with the cat. Which makes for a happy cat but a boring life for me lol. It just seems like everyone I know is so busy, and making plans is hard at this point.

    17. gecko*

      The point, tbh, is to build up enough of a network that one or two friends moving doesn’t destroy your network.

      It hurts so much when friendships end, and friendships can change so easily, but having more—and knowing you can make more—can buffer you against that.

      Good luck and treat yourself well. This is a hard life event that we don’t have cultural scripts for, and it’s ok to be really sad.

    18. CoffeeOnMyMind*

      I completely understand where you’re coming from. I moved to Big City a few years ago, and it’s been very difficult making new friends. My friends from Old City and I have a podcast that we use to talk about nerdy stuff, buts it’s also a way to keep in touch.

      Like others who’ve posted, I also take time to do social stuff, like hanging out at coffee shops, going to the park, etc. If your city has an events calendar, check it out to see what’s going on near you. Or if you have a hobby or something that you’re interested in, search online to see if there are groups or events in your area that do the same thing. It can be a good way to meet people with similar interests. Good luck!

    19. PhyllisB*

      I feel you. I’ve posted this before, but even us “old ladies” (67) like to have a pal to hang with. Most people my age are super-involved with their grand-children (nothing wrong with that, but I have other interests in life, too.) Or they don’t like to socialize without their husbands. My husband doesn’t like to go out, but he doesn’t care if I do. I just want a friend to go to the movies with, have a glass of wine with or just go out for coffee and a chat. I am slowly making some new friends at church, but it’s taking a while.

      1. All Hail Queen Sally*

        Yes. I’m 61, unmarried, and childless (therefore grandchildless) and it is very frustrating to try make plans with others that actually go through. Lots of last minute cancellations due to extended family stuff. I do have lots of friends in different hobbies and groups (a few single and childless like me) and connect with extended family on Facebook (they all live many states away), but there are some times I can’t find someone to hang out with. Although I am an introvert and love being by myself, I do at times get lonely. However, this thread has got me thinking and I will be spending the next couple of weeks contacting old friends to connect and to let them know I am thinking about them.

  12. nep*

    Another reason to love thredUP…Anyone see their open letter to Burberry about the burning of tens of millions of dollars worth of products?
    (Not loving that thredUP has started charging a $1.99 restocking fee. Returns used to be completely free and that was one of the best parts about shopping there. They say it’s in part to help them continue to offer such great prices. It’s not enough to make me stop going to thredUP, but I’m still on the fence about it.)

    1. Captain Vegetable (Crunch Crunch Crunch)*

      I can’t comment on the letter, but with the new stocking fee, plus the way the prices have creeped up, and the slow deliveries in multiple boxes, I’m ready to give them up entirely. Not to mention the ridiculous prices for the clothes they buy. Oh, and they don’t seem to check pockets well. I’ve received clothes with used tissues and crumbly debris (dog biscuits, maybe) in the pockets, which is very unpleasant.

      1. nep*

        That sounds awful. I’ve had only good experiences with thredUP; perhaps I’m an isolated case.

    2. Reba*

      I’m not against restocking fees in general, but with thredUP it’s frustrating because they post so little info about the garments themselves (such as the fit of trousers for brands that have more than one fit). If i’m going to take a little risk here I need to be able to return!

      I am fascinated by retail generally but only more lately learning about resale. I read all the news last year about rhe ban on used clothing announced by several east African countries, and I’m very interested to see what the effects will be. (Recommended academic and semi-academic reading: ‘Salaula’ by Karen Tranberg Hansen, ‘Clothign Poverty’ by Adam brooks, ‘Overdressed’ by Elizabeth Cline)

      Not sure why the Burberry thing has bubbled up into the news just now. Not that they shouldn’t be criticized! Just that the practice is super common so I’m curious what has made this one newsworthy–maybe the especially high amount of “value” (presuming the numbers used are retail prices, not burberry’s cost to make). I liked thredUP’s statement–thanks for drawing my attention to it–but their business and burberry’s are like on different planets. I don’t think Burbs and their peers are likely to listen.

      1. nep*

        Right–the articles note that it’s been a common practice for a long time.
        Agree the Burbs of the world won’t care about thredUP’s note–I don’t really think that’s the purpose of an open letter like that. Just stating their point and putting it out there.

    3. neverjaunty*

      I’ve had some pretty annoying experiences with thredUP (their business model seems to be built on the float) but good for them.

    4. Triplestep*

      I always suggest doing a search for reviews and read the recent ones. (Not the early ones from before they grew too big too fast.) Buyers definitely do better than consignors, who seem to be making pennies on the clothes they send in. Many of these reviews end with something like “I wish I had just donated them locally”; I think most people would rather have the satisfaction of knowing they’d helped someone than knowing a company had made money on the items for which they were not fairly compensated.

      Once when I made the same suggestion (read reviews) to someone I worked with, she said something like “Well, I just get rid of my clothes – I would not send them to Thred-up and expect to make money.” If you’re on the same page, then Thred-up is probably a good bet for you as a buyer. If you are concerned that you might be getting great deals at the expense of someone who sent clothes to Thred-up expecting a fair pay out, you may want to do more research.

      1. nep*

        I have always read/heard that thredUP is good for buyers but not for sellers. I’ve never sold them anything; got the ‘cleanup bag’ a couple times but never did it. Just not interested and not looking to make anything off my stuff. I know that this is one of the big negatives for some people–bad experience when wanting to sell them items.

        3. Ask a Manager* Post author

          I think the best way to look at selling to thredUP isn’t “this is a way to make money” but rather “this is a way to clean out my closet and get some bonus cash in exchange.” The prices they pay to sellers *are* low — I think they have to be in order to make their business model sustainable — and you just have to go in knowing/expecting that. (Disclaimer: thredUP is a sometimes sponsor of this site.)

    5. BeenThere*

      I got my first Goody box recently and it was great. So I got another with a different type of clothing and what a huge disappointment. I have noticed their prices are creeping up. I can do as well on the clearance rack at major dept stores for new stufff.

    6. LizB*

      I just got what will likely be my last order from thredUP to clear out my saved-up credit. I get why they might want to charge the new restocking fee, but $2 per item is out of my budget. Fortunately all the items I got in this order actually fit nicely, so I don’t need to send any back for restocking! I’ll just stick with my local thrift stores from now on.

  13. caledonia*

    Another book rec, which definitely fits the bill: Spoonbenders by Daryl Gregory

    “They were the Amazing Telemachus Family, who in the mid-1970s achieved widespread fame for their magic and mind reading act. That is, until the magic decided to disappear one night, live on national television.”

    1. Princess of Pure Reason*

      I just read this as my “staycation” book and it was wonderful, quite funny.

    2. Glowcat*

      I’ve always found funny how all those “mediums” would only use their superpowers to bend spoons and keys and stop watches. Guess not everyone has the guts to be an Avenger… ;)

    3. neverjaunty*

      I keep meaning to read this! I really liked his book/novella We Are All Completely Fine.

  14. Anonymous Ampersand*

    AlligatorSky I’ve been hoping you’re ok all week. Would love an update if poss x

  15. Jamie*

    I really liked Meg Wolitzer’s The Female Persuasion recently. Literary, and though the friendship aspect is bigger than the family, the family is for sure dysfunctional. Also, what are friends but the family that you choose?

    1. Julianne (also a teacher)*

      Did you read The Interestings? I liked that one a lot, and I’ve been meaning to pick up The Female Persuasion.

    3. Finn*

      I also enjoyed this book a lot although I’m still not sure what to think about one part (sorry this is vague, I’m loathe to even approach anything resembling a spoiler)

  16. Tau*

    People from hot countries, I need survival tips. It’s been hitting 30-35C on a regular basis recently with full sunshine and no sign of cooling down. I know this still qualifies as cool in many places, but these are not normal German summer temperatures and we aren’t really set up to deal with them. My flat heats up tremendously for some reason (I think it’s because I get direct sunlight in the morning, and then it’s really well-insulated so once the heat is there it doesn’t go away easy). I have a fan, which is probably the only reason I am managing to sleep at night, but there is still a lot of suffering involved. I’m longingly looking at ice cream machines online, which is probably a bad sign. Any and all tips are appreciated.

    1. Sled dog mama*

      Blackout or insulating curtains are a huge help for me when getting too much sun was a problem in my old house. They really block a lot of heat from coming in.

      1. nep*

        Yes–I was thinking of this. When it’s hot here, it makes a huge difference to keep all the shades down. I can imagine that blackout curtains would be very effective.
        Keep little cold packs in the freezer–the kind that have a sort of mesh or cloth side (mine look like round little cushions) that can be applied to skin. Holding this on the inside of wrists, neck, inside of elbows, back of knees can really help, especially as you’re trying to fall asleep.

        1. Tau*

          This is a great tip, thanks! Sleep has been a real problem recently – the fan is nice but noisy.

          1. Ron McDon*

            You can buy cooling mats which you either put on top of or inside your pillowcase, to help cool you down at night.

        2. MissDisplaced*

          I’ve read that air conditioning is not common in parts of Europe because it’s seldom needed? If you have a fan, you could try making something called a “homemade swamp cooler” which can cool better than the fan alone.
          Otherwise, kerp your body core cool with cold showers, swimming, cool packs, etc. I love hot weather, but it can be hard to acclimate yourself to it.

          1. Book Lover*

            I was just going to suggest this. It was how people coped in Arizona before air conditioning. And definitely blackout curtains and just not moving about much.

          2. Natalie*

            Keep in mind that evaporative cooling only works in dry heat. No idea if it’s also humid in Germany

      2. Tau*

        That probably explains a lot. I moved into a flat that consists almost solely of windows and have only slowly been arranging for suitable coverings; the windows that get morning sun are still painted with buttermilk as an interim solution. Time to really look into fixing that, it looks like!

        (Thankfully, I do have blackout curtains in my bedroom, which has one giant massive window front looking south. I have the sneaking suspicion temperatures there would be completely unbearable otherwise.)

        1. Chameleon*

          Painted with buttermilk? Like, real actual dairy product? (Google only brings up regular paint in “Buttermilk” color.)

          1. Tau*

            Actual buttermilk. I got this tip from my brother’s flatmate when I was panicking about moving into what’s effectively a terrarium. It works amazingly well! You just take buttermilk, a paint roller and go. It doesn’t go bad or anything once it’s dried, although I would be careful to keep moisture off those windows (aka: probably not great in the bathroom.) Although mine’s still meant to be temporary, I’ve considered getting window stencils and making some designs once a more permanent solution exists.

        2. AliceBD*

          Thick dark towels work well as temporary blackout curtains — I had to use them for a few weeks as a kid when we repainted my room and then the dry cleaners messed up my curtains so we had to go find new curtains.

        3. LCL*

          Whoah, I learned something today, thank you! I was going to post asking about buttermilk on windows, I was sure it was a mistranslation. But I googled it, and it is an artistic thing and very interesting.

      3. Chaordic One*

        These same blackout or insulating curtains are also great at helping to keep warmth inside your house in the winter time.

      4. Kendra*

        I did my windows with tinfoil – I made big window-size sheets with cute wrapping paper and tinfoil on the back and they block light really well, so they might help with heat and be less expensive than buying curtains!

    2. Radical Edward*

      The fan is crucial! An oscillating one if at all possible. I grew up with no ac and the rooms that get the most sun, depending on the window situation, should be either left wide open for air circulation or closed up as soon as temps rise and draw the curtains to block as much radiant heat as possible. I take cold showers only this time of year even though I do have ac here. Cool bath with baking soda helps if you’re experiencing heat rash or swollen feet, etc.

      And the biggest game changer for me has been Uniqlo Dry Tech undershirts- if you can get them online, stock up! They wick away sweat and keep your clothing dry and comfortable (and stain-free). I couldn’t survive without them, I would be changing outfits three times a day!

      If it gets over 30c indoors, try taking a coldpack from the freezer and holding it against your neck or under your arm. Other than that, sit in front of the fan and keep drinking cool liquids with minerals to supplement what you lose through sweating.

      Don’t walk fast or do anything strenuous, it’s way too easy to become ill that way if you’re not used to the heat. If you have to go out in the sun, take an umbrella to protect yourself from the heat and intensity of direct sunlight.

      For an un-air conditioned apartment, the best advice I have is to keep the air circulating and if it’s still dangerously hot during the day, do your very best to find another place to be.

      I hope some of that is helpful. Take care!

    3. Lcsa99*

      I agree with the others. Keep the blinds/ curtains and windows closed at all times unless its cooler outside than in, then you open the windows to let the air circulate until it heats up again and you close everything. I’ve also heard that you can put a bowl of ice in front of a fan to help cool the air its blowing (I personally didn’t notice a difference in my hot basement dungeon apartment years ago. But its worth trying!)

      1. Jaid_Diah*

        My concern with keeping windows closed is that one might inadvertently turn their home into a giant convection oven. People die from that.

        Air cooler made from a styrofoam cooler, a couple of duct pieces from a hardware store, and a desktop sized fan
        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FaC0dlRENk0

        I also use the Chillow, a pillow inset that is filled with water and absorbs heat from your head as you sleep. There’s cooling mattress pads on Amazon.

        Mostly, stay hydrated, keep air circulating, wear loose clothing. I wish you all the best!

    4. Thlayli*

      Similar here – it’s been the hottest summer of my life (literally – 1976 was last time it got this hot). During the really hot days we basically went into full lockdown from 11:00 to 14:00 and closed all curtains on the south side of the house and stayed indoors.

    6. BRR*

      I’ve found a cold shower really helps. A window fan also helped tremendously. Blow hot air out and cool air in at night.

      1. Bacon Pancakes*

        Agree with this. If the windows can open, put a box fan on the sill to blow hot air out.

      2. Snark*

        Yep. It’s been this hot in Colorado all summer, and fans, a portable AC unit, and cold showers are how we’re coping. Never needed any of that in the ’80s.

    7. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      I’m in the SE US where we get a glorious combination of sweltering heat and consistently high humidity all summer long. Echoing what others have suggested, blackout curtains and fans are a huge help. Avoid running lights and appliances that give off heat during the day if you can. Cool showers right before bed are great, especially if you’re still damp when you lay down and have a fan going. Crisp percale sheets feel cooler than the softer weaves. Rotating ice packs helps, too. I like to take the rectangular kind (8″ x 4″ maybe?), wrap one in a long tea towel, and tie it around my head Rosie the Riveter style.
      If it’s in your budget, consider a standing or window air conditioner. I have central air, but it’s very inefficient due to drafty single pane windows. I rent, so I can’t do anything about the windows, but a window unit in the living room has made a huge impact on my comfort and electric bill. I can run it during the day to cool just the front room that I’m in, and save a ton of money keeping the thermostat setting higher for the rest of the house. If you’re gone most of the day a window unit in the bedroom may be a better option for you.

    8. Pol*

      Once it gets cooler in the evening, open as many windows as possible (and draw any curtains- you need the airflow). Leave them open during mornings as well- the air should still be cooler then (when are the coolest hours depends on humidity- I’m lucky to live near a desert, in that: an hour after nightfall it’s 10 degC down…). Make sure you drink, any liquid is good (caffeine and alcohol less so), fruits are good too, but make sure you’re inputting enough salt and such (electrolytes lower when you sweat), and make sure you eat (did this mistake our first heat wave this year. oops).

      As others said: showers, especially cool ones; wet your arms, head, and neck/back if it’s dry/if you have wind (or a fan), especially coming in from outside- it helps if you got slight heat stroke. Same areas are good with cool packs. Putting a slightly wet sheet near a fan works well if it’s dry. If you’re nauseated, cool yourself down, get water, salt, sugar and call for help if it’s not getting better within minutes.

      When outside, wear light colors and loose clothing, stick to the shade, wear a hat but take it off in the shade (to let the wind cool your head, especially if your hair is long or thick), and try not to be outside when the sun is higher than 30 degrees from the horizon. If there’s a library with air-conditioning, or some other cool building (old things build of stone are pretty good at this, until the stone heats up)

    9. LilySparrow*

      These are all great tips – as far as blowing a fan across a bowl of ice, it won’t cool a room but can give a small cool breeze directly on you.

      One of the best things I discovered for quick relief is a peppermint compress. We have peppermint Castile soap that is very strong – put a squirt of that in some water. (I suppose you could use peppermint tea).

      Soak and wring out some face cloths, and you can put them on your forehead or the back of your neck – it’s really refreshing and lasts longer than you might think.

      They’re good with cool tap water, but if you make several and keep them in the refrigerator they are even better. You can just keep swapping out fresh ones.

    10. Chameleon*

      I don’t know how common A/C is for businesses there–I live in a place where almost no one has it in their house but businesses often will have it. If you find somewhere like a coffee shop or movie theater, they are great refuges when you just CANNOT. TAKE. IT. ANYMORE.

      One thing I’ve discovered is that if you have a window that is sunny, it often is worse to keep it open and uncovered for the air circulation. Blocking the air circulation is worth it if it blocks the sunlight. If you buy blackout curtains, try to go for light-colored but thick ones. Black absorbs heat and will act as a radiator. Worst case scenario, get one of those silvered insulation blankets. Those will reflect the sun away.

      1. AcademiaNut*

        For a cheap and fast method (a few dollars and 20 minutes) to block the sunlight, make a set of curtains out of mylar emergency blankets, which are basically a very light sheet of reflective material. You can duct tape them onto the back of your existing curtains (or the window frames). They’ll reflect back the sunlight beautifully. The bonus of using curtains during the heat of the day is that you can skip clothing inside, which helps a lot.

        When I was a broke grad student I lived in an apartment with no A/C and western facing balcony windows, and this is how we stayed cool.

        With fans, once it cools down a bit outside (or during a thunderstorm), we use the fans to pull the cool air through the apartment.

        Other tricks – a spray bottle of water and a fan. Spritz yourself, stand in the breeze to cool off (works best when minimally clothed). Drink lots of water and other unsweetened drinks. I heartily recommend UV umbrellas in the sun – it makes an amazing difference when walking outside.

    11. Khlovia*

      If you are at home, either alone or with someone who will appreciate the scenery: wet tee-shirt, small fan. Even the slightest movement of air will do wonders.

      If available, get two of those intake/exhaust fans that let you change the blade spin direction, one for a north window and one for a south window. Keep an eye on outside temp vs inside temp. When it’s hotter out than in, push air out. Keeps the hotter air from coming in and creates a bit of a breeze through the house. When it’s hotter in than out, pull cool air in from the north and push it out on the south. Better breeze, and of course cooler air indoors. It’s all about managing air mass.

    12. Not a Mere Device*

      Keep ice packs in the freezer, and apply them to your body when you’re really cold–just rest it against your thigh or chest until you feel a bit cooler.

      For going outside, especially during the day:

      Carry a bottle of cold water (or cold tea or anything else you like drinking ocld): not only is it good to stay hydrated, you can put the bottle next to your skin for a bit of cooling. I did this the other day, when I found myself on an un-air-conditioned bus when the outside air temperature was in the low 30s (around 90F).

      You may know these, but in case you don’t:

      Don’t underestimate the value of shade: it can be unpleasantly hot on a sunny sidewalk, and comfortable under an awning, or in the shade of a tree or building. One of the standard tips around here is to wear light-weight, light-colored clothing, preferably slightly loose, because you want to benefit from random breezes.

    13. LilySparrow*

      Did anyone mention cross-breeze? If you can open windows on opposite sides, even just a little, it’s better than having them wide open on only one side.

      This might be a way to compromise if you need to keep the sunny window covered. Open it just a few inches, but have the shady-side windows open and use the fan. The cross breeze gives much better circulation.

      That is one thing I noticed visiting Germany – there are a lot more interior doors kept closed, while we tend toward open floor plans and only close interior doors if we specifically need privacy. It makes sense if your usual concern is keeping heat in. It’s opposite time now – Keep those interior doors open!

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        I have water face mists I carry around with me. (L’Occitane or any of the French mineral water brands) I was sceptical at first, but it does seem to work at cooling down in this hot weather.

      2. Tau*

        Thanks, this is a very good tip! As you rightly surmised I’ve been doing the German thing of keeping all interior doors closed. (Why? I live alone! It just feels untidy to have them open somehow.)

        1. LilySparrow*

          LOL! I’m afraid I drove my friends crazy leaving doors ajar until I realized and adjusted. It just seemed unnatural to have them all shut!

    14. Susan K*

      My air conditioner was just out for two months, and I could not have survived without my Frogg Toggs chilly pad. It is a cooling towel that you wet with water, and as the water evaporates, it cools you off. Using a fan accelerates the evaporation and makes it even cooler. I have an extra large one that I can drape over myself like a blanket.

    15. Woodswoman*

      I used to drive long distances in the heat in a car with no air conditioning. I would soak my shirt with a spray bottle filled with water, and that made a huge difference. I’ve since done that on occasional hot day at home, and it works. If you’re just hanging out at home and not planning to go anywhere, that may help you cool off.

      1. Whatsinaname*

        I second the spray bottle suggestion. I used to keep one next to my bed and sprayed myself throughout the day and before going to sleep. I also moved into another room that didn’t get direct sunlight for sleeping. But we lived in a house. It doesn’t sound like your place is big enough. I definitely sympathize as we just moved from Germany this past winter and the summers there can be brutal without a/c. If your windows have Rolladen you should use them and definitely the blackout curtains that everyone is suggesting. We also had several fans blowing. We’re currently living in Korea and it’s hotter than Hades at the moment. Luckily the Koreans are fans of air conditiong because I wouldn’t be able to survive 106 with 85 to 100 percent humidity. Stay cool.

    16. GreyNerdShark*

      During the day, cover all windows. My west facing window has a shadecloth blind, a blackout blind and blackout curtains and is finally not a massive furnace in the afternoons. Before all that it just had venetian blinds, I found putting a white sheet between them and the glass made a huge difference.
      Once the sun goes down, open it all up and try and get a cross breeze going. Replace the day air with the slightly cooler night air.
      Camp in the living room at night. Bedrooms are smaller than main rooms and so your body heat heats them faster. My pre-aircon sequence was bedroom, living room, balcony, and then one horrible night flat on the tiles in the bathroom as the only relief!

    17. SarahKay*

      I’m stuck in a very warm flat too, (although in the UK rather than Germany) and I’ve been putting my dress under the cold tap, wringing it out, and then putting it on. So long as there’s any air movement it’s incredibly effective at cooling me down – I even managed to do some ironing, which is a warm task at the best of times.

      Also, I second the comments on keeping windows shut as soon as it’s warmer outside than in, and covered with the best insulator you can get (the buttermilk trick sounds fascinating!) then when it’s cooling outside open all the windows you can, plus all your interior doors so that you get airflow.

      1. SarahKay*

        Oh, another thought – can you get hold of an airbed (the sort you’d use when camping)? That can make a huge difference in staying cool at night, because instead of all your body heat building up in a mattress it just flows into the air in the airbed.

    18. Aphrodite*

      Tape aluminum foil to your windows, especially those that get full sun. You can tape it–dull side out for good neighborly relations–to the glass or frame but be sure to get it snuggled up to the glass. The idea is to block not just the light but the heat. It won’t cool your place off but it makes a noticeable difference in temperature rises during the day. Then close the window coverings and if possible considering keeping the room dark until it gets cool again. Very few people I have told this to have done it but it works very, very well. My bedroom is dark for 3-4 months of the year. (And if you don’t want to tape the foil directly to the windows, you can get large pieces of cardboard, like shipping boxes and mattress boxes, and cut those to fit your various windows and tape foil to those.)

      In addition to floor and table fans, I have the bed fan ( http://www.bfan.world/ ) and this works so well!

      No cooking at all after breakfast. A lot of sandwiches or other cold stuff for dinner.

    19. Bethany D*

      You’ve already got a lot of great tips here, so I’ll just add that it helps to switch most of your cooking and cleaning to the late evening or early morning. Because every time your stove is turned on, the shower is flowing, or an appliance is running (yes even a fan!) it adds heat &/or humidity to your inside air. So in summer I do one burst of activity as soon as I get up; then as soon as it is warmer outside than inside, I stop working, shut all the windows, and draw the curtains. Lunch and dinner we try to eat cold food, use the microwave, or grill outside. Then in the evening as soon as the air temp is about the same inside as out, I open everything up, get back to work on chores, and cook-ahead meals to store in the fridge.

      1. PhyllisB*

        This how we did it in the South before AC became A THING. I well remember my aunts and grand-mothers going out to the garden at like 5-6 A.M. picking the day’s vegetables, and starting cooking breakfast, and immediately after breakfast start in cooking lunch. (In those days, mid-day was called dinner and night meal was supper.) after dinner was eaten, a white sheet or tablecloth covered the left-overs and they were consumed for supper. During canning season, you got a hot breakfast and whatever you could scratch up the rest of the day because you have never seen hot like it is when you have canners full of boiling hot water on all burners. Sorry for this trip down memory lane, I was just saying that there are ways to cope with the heat that help.

    20. Aealias*

      Keep a tub full of cold water in the bathroom – it makes a good heat sink to keep one room bearable.

      I used to keep underwear and a top sheet in the freezer. Pull the sheet out st bedtime for a cool sleep. Cold underwear either in the morning or coming home from work is a blessing.

      Sit in that cold tub with clothes on, and drip-dry while you make supper. It’s like assisted sweating.

      Some of this might be overkill, it’s tricks from when my city hit 40-45’ for two weeks. The cold-water stuff is less effective in high humidity, but the freezer tricks are still nice.

      1. Traveling Teacher*

        Oh, didn’t see your comment! I’ve been putting top sheets in the freezer, but the underwear is GENIUS. We are creeping towards the mid-upper 30s this week… Just put a couple pairs in now! Thank you!

    21. Nita*

      I’ve been living without AC until yesterday and I’ve broken out every trick in my book, and a few things my great-grandma used to do. Nice thick curtains and closed windows at daytime, and on the worst day I washed all the floors so the evaporation can cool everything a bit. And in the evening all the windows open, if it’s not hot out, and I put on a fan to try and kick out some of the hot air.

      Also, keeping a big bottle of cold water in the fridge to add to all the drinks, and a steady supply of ice cream. It’s a pain to go to the store for it in the heat, but a big carton lasts a week or two, so it’s worth it.

      And of course, if possible, spending some time in places with AC, or outside after dark.

    22. Katy*

      A tip no one has mentioned yet: Instead of buying ice packs, you can simply take several cloths or towels, put them in cold water and wring them out so they are wet but not dripping, then stick them in your refrigerator or freezer if you have one. Throughout the day, pull one out and hold it against your face, chest, or stomach until it warms up, then rinse it under cold water again and stick it back in the freezer. I grew up in the Southeastern USA, and this is a trick we used to use for soothing a sunburn, but it works for cooling off on a hot day too. The frozen cloths don’t hurt your skin the same way ice does, but they’re still very effective at drawing heat out of your body.

      1. PhyllisB*

        Katy, Southeast US here!! I have done the cold rag trick. Our central unit went on the fritz last month, and we were using all our tricks from the old days. Then last week my mother’s went out while she had a house full of company and I had a house full of company. Needless to say we had a DOUBLE houseful of company. My mother, the coward, got a room at a motel.

      2. All Hail Queen Sally*

        THANKS! I just read your comment and now I have several wet washcloths in my freezer! I can’t believe I forgot about that trick! (I grew up in the humid Midwest with no AC.)

    23. Traveling Teacher*

      Same problems here! (France) I’ve been opening all windows and shutters once the sun sets and leaving them open through the night. I get up at 6 every morning and shut all windows and shutters right when the temps begin to rise (I tested this method with my indoor instant-read thermometer, and it keeps things between 3-6 degrees C cooler if done right away.)

      If you’re in an older building especially, make sure to run a dehumidifier to decrease humidity over long periods of humid heat–this was a gamechanger for us last summer when we had to limit open windows due to a chainsmoking neighbor (even at midnight!). Bonus: it dries your clothes so quickly in the winter…and prevents awful mold.

      I like to make my own popsicles, which are mostly water and a bit of mashed fruit for flavoring. Also, frozen grapes! Much healthier than ice cream, so you can eat lots more, :)

      Drape a cool, wet washcloth around your neck or even right on top of your head. I put clean top sheets in the freezer and take them out just before bed.

      To block light, you could use some flattened moving boxes to put over your windows that receive the direct light if you don’t have shutters. Your buttermilk solution is genius, though!

    24. seewhatimean*

      cold foot baths – chuck in a few icecubes! And close your blinds so they curve outwards towards the street, or put up tinfoil/aluminium/notsureoftheGermanterm to reflect the sunlight out of your window (you can put it over cardboard that fits your window so that you can put it up and then remove it after the sun moves on). Turn the shower to cool/cold before you turn it off, and spray down the walls of the shower, to reduce the amount of steam you release into the flat (it will tend to condense more quickly on the cool walls).

  17. Loopy*

    I’ve started exercising after a long bout (4.5 years) of nothing very minimal activity. Four days in, it’s hard to stay motivated because my body is obviously showing the consequences of my inactivity. Just 35 minutes on the elliptical has been tough. I’m trying to work my stamina up to be able to get through a whole group class and it’s going slower than I expected. So, it’s been hard to also tackle the food side of things. I’ve tried good ol’ Google but it feels exhausting and weirdly difficult.

    So I am here, with you wonderful people hoping for recommendations for easy vegetarian low carb, high protein / filling snacks and meals. So far the internet is just like, eggs, eat eggs in all the forms. Or gives me convoluted, difficult recipes I haven’t the time or skill for.

    Am I looking for a unicorn??

      1. Loopy*

        I adore this idea and I adore oatmeal! I’ve actually been living on overnight oats for years and yes, it’s so filling! My problem is with even 3/4-1 cup each morning, Myfitness pal gripes at me about the carbs :( But maybe if I make these I can see if two cookies at a time would do the trick!

    2. nep*

      No specific suggestions re snacks or meals as things that come to mind aren’t really low carb–but just a note re the exercise: 35 min on the elliptical is tough–all the more for someone who’s been relatively inactive. Please don’t beat yourself up for the fact that it takes time. Little by little you will build stamina. Adding strength training is always a good thing.

      2. The Original K.*

        I second the advice to add strength training – it’s very good for the health, particularly as we age and lose bone density. You’ll also find it helps with whatever cardio you’re doing. Good for you for getting active again!

      4. Loopy*

        Thanks so much. It’s hard when I had a very easy time exercising when I was younger. I was absolutely blind to how privileged and lucky I was. But also, it’s making now harder because I remember it being *so* easy in college and right after!

    3. nep*

      (One thing that comes to mind for snacks–I make my own bars with a really old but quality food processor I bought years ago at a garage sale. This way you control the ingredients and ratio of carbs to protein…Some good things to include: flax seeds, hemp powder, almonds or almond butter…It’s fun to experiment with combinations, what fruits to use for moisture. I always add a bit of sea salt–makes a world of difference.)

      1. Applesauced*

        I’ve been doing this to have healthy (well… healthier) snacks around the house.
        2 parts dates
        1 part dried fruit
        1 part nuts/seeds
        +cocoa powder

        Food process the whole mix, then roll small balls in toasted coconut

        1. nep*

          Ooh that sounds good. I forgot–I will sometimes make them extra moist then toss them around in cacao powder as a nice coating. Dates are great for binding ingredients.

          1. nep*

            (And hemp powder good for some protein as well as iron–and the taste is quite mild. It’s great in bars and smoothies.)

      2. Falling Diphthong*

        I know Smitten Kitchen has some recipes specifically geared to a reasonably healthy breakfast bar.

        For high protein low carb, have heard good things about the doability of Nom Nom Paleo.

        1. Loopy*

          I will look those up! Most high protein / low carb diets have meat recipes so I’ve had trouble online. But just a few veggie ones is all I need!

      3. Loopy*

        I tried bars once- I used a black bean based recipe and they were SO awful I haven’t tried again! But I really should- all the pre-made bars are too high in processed sugar.

    4. Overeducated*

      If you want something more than plain nuts, you can make vegan date nut chocolate bars in a blender without baking, I haven’t done it in a few years since I’m not a big snacker, but there are a lot of variations online.

      When I first started running, my favorite snack was a cold glass of milk, sometimes with an ice cube in it. My husband likes milk with a dash of maple syrup.

      No meal ideas though…I eat mostly vegetarian but not low carb. It’s a harder combination than with meat. Good luck!

      1. Loopy*

        I’ll have to try those bars! I adore milk but developed lactose intolerance this year and it makes this all the harder!

    5. Applesauced*

      Great vegetarian protein sources – yogurt (Greek or Icelandic), nuts, beans, protein powder if you’re short on time

      1. Loopy*

        Yogurt used to be such a staple until I became lactose intolerant! I know there are lactose free versions, but man they are pricey! I got some nuts and protein powder- flavored almonds have been such a joy.

        1. Belle di Vedremo*

          You might try making your own kefit; the organisms purportedly consume all the lactose before you consume it. It won’t cover all issues with dairy, but it can be a delicious option. I make mine thick, from whole milk. Leave it overnight, either with a flavoring agent overnight or adding something in the morning. Lately I’ve been adding cinnamon, which is proving delicious.

        2. PhyllisB*

          Loopy, have you tried using Lact-aid? My first grand-child was fussy (doctor said colic) her mother was breast-feeding, so I suggested she use Lact-aid before consuming dairy products. Made all the difference in the world. The doctor couldn’t believe it when I shared this with him. My point is, if it’s effective second-hand, it would surely help you. As I told my daughter, we can try it, and if it doesn’t help, we’ll be no worse off and it’s not like it’s something harmful.

        3. research assistant*

          I’m fairly certain this is a thing – I’m lactose intolerant but can eat greek (not regular) yogurt. a bit pricy but causes no issues at all.

    6. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      The Bitten Word (food blog) has a really good recipe for fava bean crostini. If fava beans are difficult to find (likely), I personally use frozen edamame. It’s a couple of ingredients and you make it in a food processor. Keeps for a couple days in the fridge – good snack with toasts, crackers or veggie dippers and healthy too. It’s also seems posh – I have made the toasts for baby showers.

      1. Loopy*

        Thank you SO much for the suggestion and substitution – I doubt I could find fava beans! I will add that to my list :) It would be great to move away from hummus every day!

    7. Marzipan*

      You can get low-carb, high-protein pasta – most types taste frankly quite weird, but with a fairly strongly-flavoured pesto or a tomato/chili sauce, they’re OK.
      Otherwise, my go to building blocks are Quorn and Skyr, basically.

      1. nep*

        I absolutely love Trader Joe’s black bean rotini. Not low carb, but with the protein and high fiber, a good combination.

      2. Loopy*

        I’ve never heard of this pasta! I adore pasta so as long as the texture was mostly right, I’d be willing to try!

    9. Namast'ay in Bed*

      I feel your pain! I’m a vegetarian and I totally sympathize with the “why-is-everything-high-protein-also-high-carb-or-just-plain-eggs” frustration. Quest bars are awesome, they’re really good and super filling, and their protein to carbs and fat content are really good. (I follow the 40-30-30 rule, which I’ve found works really well for me for staying full but also losing weight. I know you didn’t ask for diet advice so I’ll just leave it at that, but I’m happy to elaborate more if you’re interested!) I’ve also found that fake deli meat is also really high protein and low carb, especially since most vegetarian meat substitutes are really high carb. The gardein line of fake meat products isn’t too bad in the carb department though, my favorite is the mandarin orange crispy chick’n nuggets.

      A thing that has been helpful in getting my protein up is a collagen peptides supplement. It’s a tasteless powder that is pure protein, you can add it into any beverage or stir it into a meal while prepping it, and it’s a great way to add protein without carbs or fat or a chalky taste. I’ll add a link below, you can find it at some grocery stores too though.

      2. Loopy*

        I’m open to diet advice :) I just don’t do well with strict diets that involve calorie counting/ strict macros. Something about the counting makes me insane, I’m always feeling like I need to beat my own score like it’s a GPS and I can get my arrival time just two minutes lower. Which isn’t healthy. I spent a few months in grad school on a 1200 calorie diet I was very strict about and it was miserable.

        So general guidelines seems more right for me from what I can tell!

        I don’t know that I’ve seen fake deli meat- but I have mild texture issues so I’m very picky about fake meat. I’ll definitely check out that link though!

    11. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      String cheese? Roasted chickpeas or nuts? Chia pudding? Increasing fiber and fat helps make things more filling without extra carbs. Maybe something like hummus or “tuna” salad (made with smashed chickpeas or white beans) on sliced cucumbers/squash/seed crackers? Replacing most of the mayo with avocado is super tasty.

      1. The Original K.*

        Semi-related: I can’t get chia pudding right to save my life. I use the seeds in smoothies but whenever I try recipes for chia pudding, it doesn’t gel. What am I missing?

        1. LemonLyman*

          It’s not going to be smooth…it will be a little bit liquidy. I like using vanilla almond milk but since it’s not very thick it will never be “pudding like”. Don’t have vanilla milk? Use whatever but milk you have and add a touch of vanilla extract (or pass on vanilla all together). Toss in some chunks of strawberries or blueberries and you have a nice breakfast or snack!

        2. MuttIsMyCopilot*

          The biggest mistake I made starting out was trying to use a liquid that was already too creamy. The chia couldn’t absorb enough liquid and it just didn’t work. I get the best results with low fat coconut milk, or regular milk plus mashed soft fruit like banana or mango. It’s still not super smooth obviously, but more like tapioca pudding instead of just liquid with chia seeds in it.

        3. Melody Pond*

          I love chia pudding! The two possible causes (that I can think of) of the pudding failing to gel, are:

          1) not enough chia seeds relative to the amount of whatever milk you’re using (I like almond milk)
          2) you might need to stand there and stir the mixture for several minutes

          Also, this particular recipe is not all that healthy (with the extra sugar) but DAMN is it good and very filling:

          3 tablespoon carob powder or cocoa powder
          1⁄4 cup sugar or coconut sugar
          1 (13oz) can full fat coconut milk
          1 cup unsweetened almond milk
          6 ounce dairy free chocolate chips (I get the fanciest chocolate chips available at the store)
          1 teaspoon vanilla extract
          1⁄4 teaspoon salt
          1/3 cup chia seeds

          In a medium saucepan, whisk together carob powder and sugar. Pour in the coconut and almond milk and whisk to combine. Bring to a bubble over medium heat, stirring regularly. The mixture will slowly thicken as it comes to a low boil. Whisk it for about 2 minutes after it starts bubbling. You’ll feel it thicken.

          Remove from the heat and stir in chocolate chips, vanilla, and salt. Stir until smooth. Stir in chia seeds (to act as a thickener and add some nutritional value) until evenly distributed.

          Refrigerate until completely chilled. (Pudding will continue to thicken as it cools).

          If the pudding ends up thicker than you prefer, you can thin it out with a tiny drizzle of additional almond or coconut milk.

      2. Loopy*

        I had forgotten about a great chick pea salad (substitute for tuna salad) recipe I used years ago! THANK YOU for the reminder! That will have to go in rotation.

    12. Triple Anon*

      No, you have lots of options! Tofu with peanut butter wrapped in a collard or lettuce leaf. Hummus, chick peas in general, nuts, tempheh fried in a skillet, baked tofu, all kinds of beans . . . That’s just the beginning.

      1. Ali G*

        Not to hijack – do you make a lot of tofu? I’d really like to sub out meat once a week, but hubs is firmly in the meat corner. I want to try tofu as a compromise, but I know if I mess it up, I will never have the chance to try it again. I have to get it right the first time or I will forever ruin tofu for hubs (he is weird about food).
        Any tips on getting started successfully for a tofu-based dinner?

        1. Almost Academic*

          No the AP, but as someone who eats tofu all the time hopefully you don’t mind me chiming in!

          The key to tofu is taking your time to prep it (which most recipes leave out, unfortunately). Make sure you’re getting the right type of tofu, first of all – extra firm is great for stir fries, silken is really only for smoothies. Also, local asian markets often have better quality tofu at cheaper prices than the supermarket.

          Step 1 in any recipe should be to press / drain the tofu (although many recipes leave this out). Sandwich it between two plates and place heavy things on top of the top plate, let it press out water for at least 30 minutes (adding more weight every 10 minutes or so). If you get into tofu, I recommend getting a proper tofu press for ease.

          Once the tofu is drained, it can be marinaded similarly to most meats and that imparts a ton of extra flavor to it. Different recipes will have suggestions for this, and I really recommend not skipping this step!

          Also, if you’re frying tofu – try to coat the tofu with some corn starch, it really helps it to puff up beautifully and gives it an amazing texture.

          1. Loopy*

            Where have you been all my life? I like tofu in my pad thai when I eat out and had a terrible failure replicating that. I haven’t tried to make it at home in years because of texture issues. Maybe some day I will be brave and try again!

          2. Thursday Next*

            A small addition to the great pressing instructions—I wrap the tofu in several paper towels, then change the towels about 15 minutes in and flip the tofu over.

            After this, you can marinate tofu in the marinade of your choice for an hour or so if you want. Pressing water out first means the tofu absorbs the marinade better.

        2. Middle School Teacher*

          I’m not Triple Anon but I’ll chime in. I have tofu maybe 1-2 a month. I like to either pan fry it, or bake it in the oven. Either way: use firm or extra-firm, press all the liquid out (takes about 30 min), then cut into cubes about 1”, dredge in some cornstarch with some salt & pepper, put on one layer on a baking sheet and bake at 350 for about 20-25 minutes or until crispy, turning once; for pan-frying, fry in a neutral oil on medium-high about 5-7 minutes per side (I like it super crispy so I fry it for longer). It’s great in salads, or then you can add it to stir fry or whatever. Budget Bytes has a great recipe for tofu with mango in a lime-honey sauce over coconut rice. It’s my go-to tofu recipe.

          I also put the dessert tofu (silken tofu) in smoothies, but I find it I don’t have my whole smoothie pretty quickly, it turns a weird colour, which is a bit off-putting. But it’s tasty, especially the banana tofu.

            2. Triple Anon*

              I think everyone has said what I would have said (and more!). I’ve actually never pressed tofu or added cornstarch. I just fry or sauteed it in olive oil, sometimes by itself, but usually as part of a stir fry. You can also get baked flavored tofu at most grocery stores. That stuff is incredible. And probably easy to replicate at home by marinating and baking it. If you want something with a lot of protein, try tofu with peanut sauce or any other kind of nuts or nut-based sauce.

        3. Bethany D*

          Tofu blends with flavors beautifully, so it is awesome for Asian dishes that are really all about the sauce. I like to toss it with cornstarch and pan-fry it in coconut oil for the first layer of flavor. Then I serve it over rice with a variant of this Sweet Orange Chili Sauce. My version: I mix it in a small sauce pan substituting 2 Tbs OJ concentrate for the juice, simmer it on medium, then mix 1-2 Tbs of cornstarch into 6 Tbs cold water and add that in too, then boil it for 1 minute. (And I usually leave out the chilis cuz the kiddos complain). http://www.geniuskitchen.com/recipe/orange-chili-dipping-sauce-84731?ftab=reviews

          1. ronda*

            I have not made it, but I have had a dish at a restaurant with dried tofu. I enjoyed the texture of that better than some other tofu dishes I have had. It is cut more in strips than in bricks in the dish I get.

            your milage may vary depending on what you are looking for in tofu texture.

    13. LilySparrow*

      Good old peanut butter or almond butter in celery and hummus on carrots can be very filling, as is peanut butter on an apple.

      I’m working on blood pressure control, so it’s a different set of concerns, but one recommendation was cream cheese on celery sprinkled with walnuts. I thought it seemed way too insubstantial, but was very surprised how filling it was – I couldn’t finish the recommended portion!

      1. Loopy*

        I do love pb on an apple! I wish I could try that cream cheese rec- but I’m lactose intolerant and often forget the little lactaid pills.

        1. Thursday Next*

          If you can find them, Tofutti Better than Cream Cheese, or KIte Hill’s almond milk “cream cheese” are good. I prefer Kite Hill these days.

    14. HannahS*

      I used to make these a lot, and the recipe can be scaled up and down easily based on how many bananas you have.

      1 very ripe banana, mashed
      1 c. oatmeal (any type that’s not steel-cut oatmeal works, but quick-cooking nets the best results)
      1.5 tbsp water
      optionally, up to 1/4c of add-ins; chopped nuts, dried fruit, chocolate chips, etc.
      optionally, add 1 egg and 1/4 tsp baking powder for best results
      optionally, add things like a pinch of salt, a spoon or two of sugar, or half a spoon of cinnamon

      Stir it all together. Put in a 8×8 square baking dish (or a cake pan or muffin tin) and bake at 350 for 30 minutes. If you’re using a muffin tin, I think this makes six, and they should cook in 15 minutes. Cool on a rack or cutting board, or it’ll get quite soggy on the bottom.

      1. Loopy*

        Thanks! I mentioned I like oatmeal but seemed o be having too big of a portion. These recipes seem to help spread that out so I’m excited to try them!

    15. Glowcat*

      As someone with insulin sensitivity, I suggest you try wholegrain baked products: they do contain carbs, but the fibers slow down their absorption so that they keep you fed longer and your body is less likely to try to store the carbs. Just be careful that they tend to… uhm, stimulate your bowel; and avoid wholegrain sweets because they typically contain more sugar to cover the taste of the peels. If you like to bake you can simply pick any recipe and switch the white flour for wholegrain one, it will do a lot of difference!

      1. Loopy*

        Thanks! I’m not sure if I’ve seen these around or just never noticed- I mean aside from bread!

    16. Triplestep*

      I use Quest Protein Powder (high in protein, low in carbs.) I mix a little up the night before and in the morning it is much thicker and more satisfying.

      I think jumping in to four days a week and doing whole group classes and 35 minutes on the elliptical is too much after four years of inactivity. I think you should be focusing on building routines now – when do you get the gym, how long are you there, what do you bring with you, etc. Work on fitting it in with the rest of your life, and once you have a gym/life routine, build up your workout routine slowly. (35 minutes on the elliptical too much? Build up to it – start with 20. Also, consider downloading a HIIT timer for your phone. You’ll get more out of less time doing HIIT; my heart rate monitor does not lie!)

      When I created my gym/life routine, it included things like getting the stuff out of my gym bag the moment I walked in the door to my house (not even putting it down) and then putting the new things in it before I went to bed. These are the things that will help build a 4-day a week gym habit. Good luck!

      1. Loopy*

        Right now I’m JUST doing the 35 minutes on the elliptical- trying both would be WAY too much. This is great advice because I tend to be very impatient for results. I’ll ease into the classes as a substitute for the elliptical very gradually. I think I might try this week’s Zumba class and that’s it.

        I also think protein powder is a great idea- I bought a new brad thats no carb and unflavored- can’t remember the name already! Reviews said it could be added even to coffee with almost no weirdness. We will see!

    17. Muriel Heslop*

      Add strength training and also yoga/stretching of some kind. Good luck! It’s so hard to get back into working out!

      1. Loopy*

        I absolute need people to push me into strength training. I used to go to a very small gym and the owner was amazing at easing people into the strength training classes. he got me doing two/week. But man, i never would have if he wasn’t freaking brilliant and somehow got me to go.

    18. Victoria Nonprofit (USA)*

      These are the vegetarian recipes we make a lot. We don’t track carbs so they probably aren’t as low-carb as you want, but they’re all Paleo or Paleo-like (or easily adapted) and use whole foods.

      This, with tofu instead of chicken: https://www.gimmesomeoven.com/20-minute-thai-basil-chicken/

      Involves an egg but you could leave it off if you’re tired of them: http://www.girlversusdough.com/2015/04/27/spiced-lentils-with-poached-eggs/

      I make this to have around for lunches or last-minute dinners: http://www.eatyourselfskinny.com/sweet-potato-black-bean-quinoa-bake/

      Ugggggh this is so delicious I want to eat it all day: https://www.budgetbytes.com/roasted-sweet-potato-rainbow-salad-lime-crema/

    19. Victoria Nonprofit (USA)*

      Oh, and I love protein muffins to have around for a hit of sweetness, and I have a smoothie for breakfast nearly every day.

      I rotate between these smoothies:

      Smoothie #1
      1 cup of milk (cow, nut, or coconut)
      1 handful baby spinach
      1 frozen banana
      1 spoonful peanut butter
      1 scoop vanilla protein powder (I use EarthFed Muscle)
      1 scoop collagen peptides
      A bunch of cinnamon

      Smoothie #2
      1 cup milk
      1 handful baby spinach
      3 oz frozen strawberries
      1 scoop chocolate protein powder
      1 scoop collagen peptides

      Best-ever protein muffins: https://bitesofwellness.com/qunioa-coconut-banana-muffins/

    20. Amey*

      I’ve started exercising as well recently and am really loving it. I only have time for about half an hour a day so I’m rotating between lots of different things – a run on the treadmill, pilates, weights, yoga, cardio workout video. I just pick what I feel like doing on a particular day (making sure that I’m getting a good balance over the course of the week). I’m a few weeks in and with a bit of diet modification as well, I’ve lost weight and I’m feeling so much fitter. Small and consistent and variety is better than burning yourself out quickly, I think.

      1. Loopy*

        Thanks so much! I’ve heard that 2 weeks of something helps make it a habit so I’m being really strict with myself these first few weeks in terms of keeping a regular gym going schedule. I’m pretty awful with variety but I’m hoping getting into group classes help that- they usually have the variety built right in!

        Honestly, I thought 35 minutes on the elliptical was starting small, and working my way up to classes was the way of easing in. I think I just didn’t have a realistic starting point because I used to be able to do elliptical so easily!

    21. Rookie Biz Chick*

      You will find the unicorn that works for you! Here are a few things that have worked recently for me after being in a similar situation of being kind of sedentary, including setting small goals. If it’s something you should do or want to do, keep going smaller until it’s something you CAN do. Baby steps keep the habits.

      Yoga with Adrienne may be a great place to visit – 10-15 minute yoga videos if you’re into stretching. I set a small goal of 10 minutes a day, three days a week. Funny how that small commitment gave me more energy eventually to go 20, 30, 60 minutes more often. Next up for me is 10 minutes of running, two times a week – starts today!

      You mentioned you like chickpeas – falafel is one of my favs. If you have a food processor, it’s so easy to make. Kind of carby, but good carbs and fiber.

      Even though you’re watching the fat intake, good, healthy fats help with energy and keeping hunger in check. Avocados, for sure (I eat by themselves sometimes with just a dash of salt) , and/or a drizzle of quality olive oil in a smoothie or shake.

      Hope that’s not too preachy, but I soooo feel you on wanting to make a massive change and feeling discouraged in the process. Sending awesome thoughts your way!

      1. Loopy*

        I wish I had the patience for things like yoga and barre workouts! I tend to get jittery and want to move more!

        I’m awful with incorporating healthy fats when I’m using something like MyFitness Pal. It tends to remind me when I’ve gone over my daily fat allotment and then I feel like I’ve failed so I tend to have trouble kicking the Fat-Is-Bad mentality. I’m honestly not 100% using a tracker is right for me.

    22. ronda*

      and about attitude toward exercise.
      I am kind of the opposite of you… always hated exercise but finally found something I like.

      And it is Yoga.
      The thing I really like about it is most of the instructors are giving you options and very encouraging about you do what you are able and what is possible for you. And that changes over time as you do it. and I can feel that yoga has helped me feel better (the treadmill never really gave any signs that it was helping)

      I also started water aerobics and in this class also, do what you can, options given to make it harder or easier for people at different levels.

      You dont have to keep up for the whole class, just take a break when you need to and re-join when you are ready. In power yoga, they move way to fast for me, so I would skip a few moves in the flow to be at a reasonable pace for me, other attendees were nice about it. Personally I find a class more motivating because I am lazy and will wimp out on individual machines.

    23. Cedrus Libani*

      I am super lazy when it comes to food, so I love Keto Chow. It’s a low-carb meal replacement drink, along the lines of Soylent – it’s got protein powder, fiber, and nutrients, and you mix it up with water and heavy cream in whatever ratio fits your calorie needs. (I usually add a cup of heavy cream per serving, because I need the calories, but it tastes fine when made with mostly water.)

  19. Kate Daniels*

    Any recommendations of good places to donate old electronics that still work where they go to people who actually need them? I have various old Kindles, a laptop, an iPad, and a couple of iPods. Relatedly, I am now vowing to stop always “upgrading” my electronics every year or two and only replace when they stop working!

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        Is there an electrical goods store which would take them? (Perhaps as a charity drive one weekend?)

      2. Reba*

        I was going to suggest library (they may have ideas even if they don’t want them), school, or after school care program. I have donated old cameras and gear to the latter type of place.

    2. Julianne (also a teacher)*

      If you are connected to any teachers, they may be useful in the classroom! I got rid of the clunky old CD player that we used to use for audiobooks in my classroom and replaced it with 3 donated iPods/iPhones. (Many schools do have computers and iPads, but those are often shared among classrooms, and it can be nice to have some technology that’s exclusively for a single classroom.)

    4. OhBehave*

      We have a local electronics repair shop that takes old laptops, etc and wipes the hard drives, refurbishes them. They then send them to impoverished areas for them to use. Right now they are sending them to Africa with missions.

    5. Glowcat*

      My Linux User Group collects old PCs and gives them to schools and libraries. You can look if there is some association/club/charity doing the same in your area.

    8. Corporate Cynic*

      Yes! I’ve donated three laptops to this charity: InterConnection.org
      They’ll pay for shipping, wipe the hard drive clean, and give you a tax deduction receipt.

      For iPods/iPads, I’ve donated to Music and Memory, which facilitates music therapy for seniors.

    1. Ali G*

      Is that a tiny couch just for the kitty? I wonder if they have those for small dogs…goes down a google hole…

    2. Kuododi*

      She has this wonderful blisssed out expression that says “I woke up in the land of unlimited tuna and catnip!”

  21. Lazy Cat*

    To everyone who was kind to me a few weeks ago about being too hard on myself after a car accident, thank you. I cried every time I read the thread. In case it wasn’t clear the first time, everyone was fine.

    I will be moving forward with the therapy plan once I can; I had a seizure on vacation and that follow up is taking up all of my medical time and mental energy right now. I don’t want to go into further identifying details, but for [reasons] I don’t believe the two incidents are related in any underlying way (though I will of course tell my doctor!). It does mean I can’t legally drive for 6 months, which I also think will give me mental space from the accident, so I’m not thinking about how terrible I am as a person every time I get in a car.

    It’s been a ridiculous summer. I just opened a moldy yogurt for breakfast. Who knew a yogurt cup could go moldy??

      1. Lazy Cat*

        Oh my gosh I can’t even imagine that, and I think I’m glad for that lack of imagination…

    2. Former Employee*

      I didn’t see your comment about your accident. I hope things are improving with regard to that situation.

      I’m sorry you had a seizure, but it’s good you are doing all necessary medical follow ups.

      Best of luck to you in your medical journeys.

    3. Kuododi*

      Blessings to you my dear one as you make this difficult journey into healing. You are never alone.

  22. A-non-y-nony*

    Does anyone happen to know about copyright laws for images? Specifically, I want to use an album cover for, let’s say something like gym bag for a gift. I wouldn’t be making a profit off it and it’s essentially for personal use. While I can find plenty of bags, backpacks, etc., I can’t find any band that has one that is good to use as gym bag, so I wouldn’t be able to get one somewhere else.

    Everywhere I have looked online gives me mixed messages. Some say that as long as it’s for personal use and I won’t profit off it in any way, and that I can’t buy one similar at another source, that it would be fine. Others say any use at all whatsoever is a no-go without getting permission, which seems like such a hassle for a simple gift. Any insight anyone can give would be appreciated!

    1. Thlayli*

      I think most copyright laws are about the profit. So it wouldn’t be illegal for you to use the image since you are not making money, but it would be illegal for a professional printing place to print it for you since they are making money. If you can print it at home it’s fine, and if you find somewhere that’s willing to print it they are the ones breaking the law not you.

      2. TootsNYC*

        it would be illegal, whether you’re profiting or not.

        But the band wouldn’t be likely to come after you if you’re only making one.

      3. Ask a Manager* Post author

        As someone whose copyright is regularly violated: It’s not just about profit. You can violate copyright even if you’re making no profit. There’s a good explanation from Nynaeve below.

      4. ArtK*

        NO!!!!!!!!
        If you read the copyright laws, there’s very, very little about profit. It’s about distribution, not sales.
        Bottom line: If you don’t have a license from the creator/copyright owner, you can’t use it. Period.

        1. Triple Anon*

          That’s not entirely true either. You can use an excerpt from a work as part of another work, although the law is kind of vague about the size of the excerpt and how it’s incorporated into the larger work. That’s one kind of “fair use”. Those kinds of uses are regularly litigated when profit is a factor (sampled music for example – because other laws come into play). Generally, if it’s a visual work and there is no significant profit or media coverage involved, you’ll be fine.

    2. Lady Jay*

      What you’re describing sounds like what teachers would call “fair use”: that we could use copyrighted material as long as 1) we weren’t using the whole thing, 2) we weren’t making a profit off the thing, and 3) we weren’t negatively impacting sales of the thing. So copying a short book and distributing it to students would have been a no-go, but what you’re describing sounds fine.

      1. TootsNYC*

        using it for educational purposes would insulate you. Making a tote bag for a friend doesn’t.

      2. Snark*

        “Fair use” means nonprofit educational purposes – say, if you were teaching a music history course. It does not cover the use of a copyrighted image for a gift.

    3. FD*

      It’s probably legal or at minimum unlikely to be worth the bother to enforce, but that said, a lot of places won’t print anything that seems like a copyrighted image.

    4. Triple Anon*

      It is technically against the law, but if it’s just one item for personal use, you could probably get away with it.

      If you want to be 100% legal, make a collage using parts of album covers.

    5. neverjaunty*

      (Note: not legal advice, I’m not an intellectual property lawyer, highly recommend going over to eff.org or nolo.com to look at their information about copyright)

      “Fair use” is a set of criteria used to determine whether something infringes copyright. You can make some broad generalizations – if you’re selling it without permission chances of it being fair use are near zero – but ultimately the way you find out it, there’s a lawsuit and a judge says it is or isn’t.

      On a practical level, it’s very unlikely that you will get sued for printing one copy for your own use (though you may be violating the terms of use of whatever site you use to print the tote bag).

      BUT, why not see if you can figure out who the artist is? Sometimes they will sell their own T-shirts or bags. Sometimes you can just get permission to use their art the way you wanted to; I’ve had many artists give me their blessing to use an image for my own no-money one-time purposes as long as they are credited.

    6. Nynaeve*

      Okay, so long answer ahead. Disclaimer: I am not a lawyer, this is not legal advice, and if you want legal advice you should contact a lawyer who specializes in intellectual property law in your area. I am a librarian who deals a lot with copyright issues, so I have a better than average familiarity with US copyright law. (And if you’re outside the US, that is completely outside my area of expertise–my familiarity with non-US copyright law is basically, “something something moral rights, something something Berne Convention.”)

      So! Basically, in order to encourage artistic and technological development, US copyright law gives creators certain exclusive rights for a limited period of time: the right to make and distribute copies, the right to display works publicly, the right to perform works publicly, and the right to make derivative works (so anything based on their work, including merchandising, sequels, etc.). But it also provides for a “fair use” exception because ideas build on other ideas, and with a total monopoly on those rights, innovation and education would grind to a halt.

      Let’s talk fair use. To consider whether a use is “fair,” you have to weigh four factors:
      1. The purpose of your use (commercial, educational, commentary, etc.)
      2. The amount of the copyrighted work you’d be using (less is better)
      3. The nature of the work (a factual work is more likely to be favored for fair use than a highly creative work)
      4. The effect of your use on the market for the work
      No one factor is a deciding factor either way–you have to consider it as a whole.

      For your proposed use, factors 2 and 3 weigh against fair use (you’re using a highly creative work and presumably the whole thing). Purpose is iffy, because you’re not really doing something new with the work–you can make this factor lean more toward fair use if you transform the image in some way, for example, by making a parody or “remixing” the work with something else. Factor 4 favors fair use because the effect on the market is minimal (as you have not been able to find a gym bag of the kind you want and it’s not going to stop anyone from buying the album).

      So you’d weigh all that together and decide if you’d be comfortable making a fair use defense if it came to a court of law. (Which is unlikely, but always possible, no matter how fair your use is–it’s all about how comfortable you are with the level of risk.) As a practical matter, you would also want to consider how sue-happy the band seems to be; for instance, Prince was notoriously protective of his intellectual property, but the Grateful Dead were just kind of like, “Right on, man” with regard to fan-made works.

      Finally, if you decided you wanted to ask permission, start with the band’s label, not the band itself. Usually, musical artists have to transfer the copyright to the production company, so the label will actually own the rights, not the artists themselves.

      Hope that helps!

    7. A-non-y-nony*

      Thanks everyone. This all gives me a lot to think about. Leaning towards doing some sort of collage now but, again, have a lot to think about. I think trying to make fair use work in my favor is my best bet.

    9. Loopy*

      So I learned this trick in library school in a copyright class- if you go to Google image advanced search you can search specifically for images based on usage rights! Some images have a creative common license- meaning the artist has given permissions for the reuse of the image. Some even allow modification to the image. This seems the easiest way to avoid the grey areas of fair use and I used it a lot!

    10. PB*

      As other have pointed out, not legal. It doesn’t matter than you’re not making a profit. The image is under copyright, and you can’t reprint it without getting permission from the copyright holder. It’s not uncommon for a commercial printer to turn down jobs to print images under copyright.

  23. Regular anon, anxious*

    Help. My husband is considering a job that would require us to move to the opposite side of our metro area just to each have an hour-ish commute. (Posting here instead of on yesterday’s thread because it’s much more about the where to live question than the job, hope that’s ok.)

    I’m obsessively looking at Craigslist and Zillow to figure out where we can hope to afford rent not too far out, but haven’t even driven around most of these areas much. I don’t even know where to start to look into day cares and public schools, especially since most of the areas we are considering are places people write off as “bad schools” but I am not sure where they are actually bad or where it is a rich white people code. How do you tell?

    Any advice on figuring out schools, how heavily to weigh the psychological aspect of moving a small child (can’t guarantee it won’t happen again in a few years), and specific recommendations near the red or orange lines in and north of DC are much appreciated.

    1. Maryland Grad*

      In MD, try to stay in Montgomery County instead of Prince George’s. At the end of the Red Line is Shady Grove, Gaithersburg, Germantown, which are all good areas that are cheaper than Bethesda. Rockville is also nice and is a little closer to the Beltway. PG county will be cheaper, but with good reason (worse schools). Granted, I don’t have kids, so I haven’t looked at the schools in detail, but MoCo is much better funded than PG county.

      Source: grew up in Montgomery County, went to UMD

      1. Iza*

        To note, the other end of the red line (takoma/silver spring) is also in MoCo and cheaper than Bethesda/Rockville but closer to DC, unlike Shady Grove. My coworker lives in Silver Spring near the metro station and sends her kids to public school there.

        1. Regular anon, anxious*

          Haha I think of Union Station as the other end of the red line and SS/Takoma as still north because i live well south of all of those now – sorry for the ambiguity! Those areas do sound worth checking out further.

      2. Regular anon, anxious*

        Thanks. I don’t want to get too specific about work locations, but I’m afraid it looks like anywhere north of downtown Silver Spring turns into an unreasonable commute for me and doesn’t help my partner either. It does sound like Silver Spring comes highly recommended by lots of people for lots of reasons, and is convenient to much of the metro area in case one of us changes jobs again. The challenge there is finding something within our budget. (Neither of us makes six figures, which makes rent here tough.)

        Close in parts of PG County are much better in terms of cost and partner’s commute, NE DC would be better for the commutes and free pre-K but has very expensive parts and parts where people have recently been murdered at the metro station, so one of the things I am hoping to do is get a more fine grained sense of neighborhoods and schools instead of writing the whole huge area off.

        1. Fish girl*

          PG native here from birth to high school. PG and the Green line are not as scary as everyone makes it out to be. All of the suburbs run together, so it’s a little silly to separate them out, but here’s my take on them (take with a grain of salt, though, since my data is a bit out of date).

          Greenbelt is an amazing little town to live in with great schools. Good sense of community, local co-op, very walkable, little festivals throughout the year. However, it’s so beloved, it can be hard to get a footing in the housing there.

          Beltsville is dull, but relatively safe. About 15 min from the Greenbelt metro station. Cheaper housing, ok schools, depending on which one you go to. High school isn’t great, but the elementary and middle schools are fine. Close to any stores you might ever want. (You might see people talking about Calverton. Calverton isn’t a real place, just a part of Beltsville that bleeds over into Montgomery county too. Calverton is fine to live in as well).

          College Park/ University Park gets way too much bad press for dangerous. It’s seems dangerous to a bunch of out-of-state students from small towns and the midwest, but it’s perfectly fine. Lots of college kids, but it, unfortunately, isn’t a fun college town like you might picture (no fun vintage shops or trendy food places. Pretty identical to the rest of the suburbs around it). There will be an uptick in crime, but mostly drunk kid crime, petty thief, unruly behavior, and lighting couches on fire during sports seasons). This sounds like I wouldn’t recommend it, but really it’s fine. I wouldn’t hesitate to live there if you found a good place.

          Adelphi: not much to say, since I don’t think it’s officially an incorporated town. Safe, family-friendly neighborhoods.

          Hyattsville: lots of cool historic-ish houses and buildings. Pretty walkable. Good hole-in-the wall-ethnic restaurants. PG plaza metro stop has more of a reputation for crime. Don’t know how accurate it is, though.

          Takoma Park: Actually in Montgomery county, not PG, but often looped with us (in the sense that Bethesda yuppies think it’s dangerous and “tainted” by being too close to PG). It’s a great place though. Very family friendly, on the red line, lots of trees and parks, good ethnic restaurants, good schools (I think).

          Places to avoid: generally places south and east of Hyattsville (Bladensburg, Mt Rainer, Fort Lincoln, areas around Fedex field and Kenilworth Aquatic Gardens) although I have no real reasons why, other than the vague warnings and prejudices of adults when I was growing up.

      3. frystavirki*

        Montgomery County buddies!!! I went to most of high school in Gaithersburg. Still miss it a lot. RAA, I hope you find somewhere that works out for your family!

    2. Been there*

      If you want info about schools, I would highly recommend visiting parks in your neighborhoods of interest and talk to parents. Most of the time, people are happy to share what they know.

      1. Regular anon, anxious*

        Whoa, I can’t imagine doing that! I feel like people can get super defensive about schools around here because lots of people go private or enter lotteries, people who stay in public schools feel judged by the private school parents and vice versa, and it’s just very loaded with race and class issues. Talking to parents is a great idea though. People in my org commute from all over the place, I think I will start asking them if they know any parents in those areas who would be willing to talk.

        1. Been there*

          YMMV in the past, I have asked, “We are thinking about moving here. What can you tell me about the schools?” After asking a number of parents, you can get a pretty good picture of the overall situation.

    3. The Cosmic Avenger*

      I have young, hipster-ish friends who really like Hyattsville. However, they are also childless, so there’s still the issue of the school system, but while PG suffers in comparison to MoCo, it’s still not too bad, and the gentrification in Hyattsville *might* be raising the county average, although I’m just spitballing now. It is pretty close in, though, which might help.

      Personally, I love the upcounty area of MoCo, but then it’s only a 30-minute commute for me and less for my partner, and where we are is about equidistant from Glenmont and Shady Grove, which is convenient. I can also tell you that Rockville has some affordable apartments, particularly in the area of Montgomery College, as one of my friends lives there.

    4. Natalie*

      I don’t know about where random people get their information, but Zillow and Trulia specifically use a ranking tool that derives its data entirely from test scores. Test scores are an abysmal way to actually determine the quality of a school, as they are mainly a function of socioeconomic status. That is, high SES kids test well even when they attend a “bad”school, and low SES kids test lower even when they attend a “good” school.

    5. OhBehave*

      Google School Report Card for the school districts. This will give you demographics, averages, etc. It will be a good way to tell if the schools are at risk.
      If you are on Facebook, try to find a page related to happenings in that area/city. Sometimes it’s a local news happening page, etc. This will give you a great idea of what’s good and bad as you can also ask questions.
      In my town, people who have major issues with our school district have had the complete opposite experience than ours. We love our district and it’s been a great school for us. I think a lot has to do with parent involvement, so just weigh critiques with a grain of salt. EVERY school has issues; private/public. They each have bullying problems, etc. I say that with experience.

      1. Teach*

        Seconding the school report card idea! Also look at school district websites and social media. One local district that is reputed to be “rough” by the private school set is actually a thriving and diverse IB program with national recognition for implementing trauma-informed teaching practices and staffs people who are leaders in their fields.

    6. Muriel Heslop*

      My son is 7 and starting his 3rd school in 4 years. He’s fine. It’s exciting to make new friends! Plus, frozen yogurt.

    7. Muriel Heslop*

      I’m a teacher and when people ask me about whether or not a school is “good” I reply with, “define good”. What’s your priority? Test scores? Diversity? Funding? Reputation? If schools are your top priority and you know you want to go public, then I recommend finding the schools you would like and reverse engineering your house hunt from that.

      Visit the schools whenever possible. My school is a socioeconomically and racially diverse high school and people call for tours a lot. They don’t always get one but when it can be accommodated we do it.

      1. Dan*

        My bar for “bad” is actually pretty low. I grew up in the rural Midwest before moving to DC, and we didn’t have much in terms of public school choice. We just had “school”. Was my school bad? No idea, because I don’t know what that term means.

        What does matter is whether the school is a safe place to learn, and whether the student body comes ready to get an education. Do the schools have gang problems? Do you have a choice between going to a school with metal detectors, and those that don’t have them? I’d probably choose to send my kids to the school without, with the assumption that there was a demonstrated need for the school to have put them in.

        1. Regular anon, anxious*

          This is exactly my issue – I also went to school in the rural Midwest where there weren’t options, so I can’t tell how much of the concern i hear about schools is overachieving DC parents wanting their kids to go to Harvard, how much is tied to demographics, and how much is actual safety issues. Not sure how to tease those out quickly.

          1. Dan*

            Depends on where you are. Fairfax County, Arlington, Alexandria, and Montgomery County? It’s overachieving parents. DC Proper, and Prince George’s county? Now I think you have to take a closer look. PG County schools keep making the news in ways that other school systems don’t. (Now that I think about it, the number of scandal headlines that each school system gets in the Washington Post is probably indicative of something.)

            I did some tutoring in DC Public Schools through America Reads when I was an undergrad. My take was that many kids in the program were there because they were dicking around on their standardized tests. The time I spent with my fifth grade student was a waste — maybe he was reading one grade below his level, but I’m not sure, because they made every student regardless start at the kindergarten level of the reading curriculum and complete all the steps. He breezed through everything, but there was so much of it that we never got to spend any time on the things he truly struggled with.

            The school I tutored in was in the Shaw neighborhood of DC (this was over 15 years ago, the neighborhood has changed a bit since then). I didn’t feel unsafe (then again, I’m a big dude, so there’s that) but you could definitely tell that you were in an inner city public school.

            How can you tell what’s a true safety issue vs demographic apprehension (for lack of a better phrase)? I donno, some things have a lot of correlation, and it may be impossible to unpack everything and get the straight scoop. Neighborhood crime statistics would be a first step. But so much of a child’s education quality *is* tied to the socio-economic demographics of his classmates. When you’ve got lots of single mothers working multiple jobs to pay the rent and keep the lights on, they’re going to have a different level of involvement than a married couple with a stay at home mom. That will show in many ways, and yes, some of that will have an effect on the quality of classroom instruction.

            I might be going over board a bit, but one thing that counts against DC in many ways is the political structure of the city. In the city, you have the ANC, City Council, Mayor’s Office, School Board, Chancellor’s office, and that’s about it. Never mind that the US Congress can stick its mits in city business whenever it wants. At one point, the schools were performing so poorly that the Congress took over oversight of the school system. And since city parents don’t have voting representation at the federal level, you’ve got nowhere to complain if you don’t like the federal oversight.

            Outside the city, you’ve got many other levels of oversight through the state where you or any other parent can go get redress if you need it.

            I bring up all of that not to start a political rant, but to talk about options that may exist if issues arise that can’t get resolved at the local level. I once reported my high school principal to the state department of public instruction, got my state senator involved, and got what I wanted from that complaint. I learned at a young age how to advocate for myself, so I pay attention to these kinds of things more so than most might. The fact that these options for redress really aren’t available in the city gives me pause.

            What would I do if I had kids? I’d do what anybody else who can afford it does — haul my butt out to MoCo or somewhere in Virginia. For better or for worse, snobbery or no snobbery, many parents want their kids to get the best education they can, and I can’t hold that against them. Your kid probably has the best chance of success when he is in school with students whose parents are actively involved in their lives.

    8. Triplestep*

      I don’t live in your area (I’m in New England) but I do live in a city where the schools are “bad” and plenty of rich white people send their kids to private school.

      I am White and middle class, and my kids went to public school. The schools in this city ARE bad according to test scores and stats about money spent on the facilities, class size, etc. The trick is to find the schools with the most parental involvement under “the squeaky wheel gets the grease” philosophy. These schools have more programming in general, and sometimes have special programs for “academically talented” kids. My own anecdotal evidence is that these schools are not predominantly rich white people, but they are often have a higher percentage of kids whose parents are educated, which is what allows those parents to have jobs or stay-at-home lives that facilitate the school involvement. There were plenty of kids whose parents would have loved to have been more involved, but worked in a service industry that did not allow the flexibility.

      Our city also has a test-in high school where my kids both went; it consistently ranks highest in the state, yet is in the lowest-performing school district. (i.e. people move to the ‘burbs for better schools, and this school ranks better and sends 99% of the grads to college.) Often schools like this will accept kids in the same demographic percentages that they have in the larger school district, so you do get a pretty diverse group of kids and families, and it is not just rich white people who sent their kids to private school until 9th grade.

    9. LilySparrow*

      IME, moving is not a big deal for preschool and elementary school kids, as long as the family relationships are stable. They might cry or be upset for a little while, but they adjust smoothly.

      Changing schools is more upsetting for middle school and teenagers, because they are more deeply invested in their friend groups and they have a personal support network outside the immediate family.

      They’ll still be fine in the long run, but it’s a rougher road. It can prompt a questioning of their social role or persona – which can be healthy as a “fresh start” or risky if they struggle to find positive connections.

    10. Dan*

      People seem to give you a lot of tips on the Maryland side, but the Virginia side would serve you just as well. Anywhere in Arlington or Fairfax would be fine.Prince William can get a little sketchy, but that’s a bit beyond the metro service area, although plenty of people drive to Vienna and park.

      Things to watch: The major commuting arteries suck during rush hour. 270 is going to be a drag, 66 can as well, and whatever you do, don’t have a commute that involves the beltway.

      1. Regular anon, anxious*

        Thanks but I already live on the VA side! Spouse’s offer is in MD, so I love where we live but the commute would be a nightmare. Getting home from the interview on the early side of rush hour took 2 hours.

    11. Fellow Traveler*

      I live in the Forest Glen/ Wheaton area, and we really like it here. As for schools, I’ve discovered in Montgomery County Public Schools, there are so many magnet programs that unless you are committed to sending your kids to the school you are zoned for, location might not matter. My daughter is in a language immersion program in Rockville. I’ve met a lot of parents whose kids do not go to their home school.
      Anyhow- Forest Glen/ Wheaton is pretty affordable, though I’m not sure for how much longer. There is a lot of development in Wheaton right now.
      In PG County, I have a good friend in Cheverly and it also seems like a great affordable community.

    13. currently in NE DC*

      Hoping you see this!

      Try near Potomac Ave and Stadium Armory (SOB lines) or Rhode Island (red line) neighborhoods. I live in a small three bedroom row house with a yard and parking for $2200/month. I know of others with similar rent. I can’t speak to schools, though. I found my place through craigslist and have used Yarmouth previously.

  24. Myrin*

    Alison and other fellow redheads: what colour are your eyelashes and eyebrows?

    I was very surprised to be told last week that apparently it’s very uncommon for redheads to also have red lashes and brows – they’re apparently usually blond or brown.

    Well. With the exception of a blond-grey-ish streak right at the base of my skull, literally all my body hair is red. I asked everyone in my family who’s still alive who also had red hair about it (we only ever get one ginger per generation, so they’re all grey by now) and they were the same as me, so this was completely surprising to me. What about you, fellow AAM gingersnaps?

    (Completely unexpected, kinda-funny-yet-also-bizarre side effect of this: when I talked about this at another forum, people immediately started trying to ‘splain my haircolour to me. Like. Yes. Yes I am indeed sure that the hair on my arms is red. I’m literally looking at it right now, dear internet stranger. Could you maybe not be like this? >:|)

    1. Thlayli*

      Haha that’s funny about people telling you you don’t know your own colour!

      I know a lot of redheads and am related to quite a few. In my experience only bright ginger people have the “full” redhead experience – red body hair and loads of freckles. People with different shades of red usually don’t have red body hair and tend to have fewer freckles.

      1. Myrin*

        Aha, that makes sense – I am indeed a “bright” redhead!
        Also, my whole face is actually full of freckles but weirdly, you only ever see that in photos! It’s super hard to spot even for me when I’m looking in a mirror but it’s clear as day in any digital medium; so weird!

        1. AliceBD*

          I’m not a redhead but I have lots of freckles, and they barely show up at all in photos or indoors! But they are abundantly obvious in natural light, and people comment on them all the time.

    2. CAA*

      My dark-haired DH has two red-headed brothers and a read-headed sister. (He is affectionately known as the black sheep.) All of them have dark brown eyes and from looking at a family photo just now, I’d say the red heads have light brown eyebrows. They don’t have that milky freckled skin that burns easily either.

    3. Penguin*

      I have red hair, eyebrows, lashes, everything. Echoing Thlayli, I and the other “bright” redheads I know are the ones with the full, er, decoration. The folks I know who have red(dish) hair and blond or brown eyebrows/eyelashes are all either lighter (strawberry blond) or darker (auburn) than the coppery color that springs to mind for many when hearing the word “redhead.”

    4. blackcat*

      Every hair on my body is red during the winter. Arm hair sunbleaches blond during other seasons (it takes very little sun to do so). I seem particularly susceptible to sunbleaching, so maybe that’s what other people think? When I lived in California and wasn’t wearing hats (I now live in hats for sunprotection), the entire top layer of my hair was blond, despite the relatively deep red color of the rest of it, and so were my eyebrows. But everything definitely grows red.

    5. Ella X*

      My kids are redheads. Their eyelashes etc are red, not overtly bright red like their hair though so I could see people who aren’t paying attention not noticing.

    6. NewtoSoCal*

      Darker redhead here- with all the freckles and pale skin despite not being a “bright ginger.” Everything is red but my arm and leg hair (which are thankfully blonde.)

    7. Muriel Heslop*

      I was maroon-headed as a baby but it’s darkened to auburn. I’m covered with light brown freckles, blue eyes, blond body hair, light brown eyelashes with red tips, and eyebrows are a mix of blond/brown/auburn (and the carpet matches the drapes so to speak.)

      I’m the only redhead in my family so I have no comparison.

    8. CBE*

      I’m a bright redhead, everything but my eyelashes is red.
      My three kids are all redheads, some brighter than others, some with all red, some with brown body hair.
      I have a relative with dark brown head hair but a BRIGHT red beard. Which he wears big, long and bushy.

      1. Myrin*

        I feel like bright red beards aren’t uncommon, even among men who don’t have any red hair anywhere else on their body.

    9. Turtlewings*

      My brother and sister are strawberry blonde (with lots of strawberry) and they both have the same shade of hair pretty much everywhere. If anything, their body hair is redder than their head hair. Except my sister’s eyelashes, which are so blonde you can’t tell she HAS any unless she puts on mascara.

    10. Whatsinaname*

      My arm and leg hair is blonde. All my other hair is red. I had to double check my eyelashes because they’re always covered in mascara.

    11. Courageous cat*

      Red lashes, red brows. Much to my dismay. I dye them both – I use Just For Men on my eyebrows (super easy, takes 5 minutes every couple of weeks) and spend $15 a month to get the lashes dyed.

      People tend to not believe redheads exist on the internet, so I feel you. I get this also with my green eyes because apparently it’s a rare color to have.

    12. SemiRetired*

      Not (much) of a redhead myself but your post inspired me to google pictures of famous ones to see. (My experience is the reverse, that sometimes blonde people have reddish facial or body hair…the red coming out more in the short and curlies than in the hair on their head.) anyway, it appears that most actual redheads tend toward Red hair elsewhere, but that hair that stays (doesn’t get shaved often or ever) will tend to bleach out. So Ginger Harry has red mustache but light eyebrows, for instance. Some of the supposed redheads are probably bottle reds and that probably leads to the assumption that redheads have different colored body hair. (I think maybe half of redheads come by it naturally…my guess about blonde women is that the great majority of them aren’t really.)
      Check out Willie Nelson back in the day…my favorite red. And lots of it.
      As for me…it seems as my hair greys the lightness it gives is bringing out a red tint I didn’t know I had. So maybe I’ve got a few years as an almost-red before the grey wins out.

    13. Ginger Sheep*

      Copper hair (muted, not bright ginger), same colour eyebrows, armpit and bikini hair, browner eyelashes, blond arm and leg hair. Seems like I have a bit of everything! :)

    14. Jules the First*

      I’m red everywhere except my eyebrows, which are blond. (Well, and my head, which is not-so-gracefully going grey these days). I do have individual eyebrow hairs that are pure copper, but I pull those as they’re also about seven feet long and stick straight out…

      On a related rant, can I just say how frustrating it is to be going grey and not be believed? A decade ago I was true red and these days I’m more strawberry-ginger with white streaks and yet people from random strangers to my hairstylist insist that I’m blonde not grey. No, people. This is what happens to redheads when we go grey and it’s every bit as traumatic as you find going grey!!!

  25. No Tribble At All*

    Book recommendation: North of Beautiful, by Justina Chen. Introspective (but not slow!) YA lit about a girl finding her family by choice, helping her fractured family by birth, and learning to accept herself. Has a 4/5 on goodreads

    1. Kate Daniels*

      I think I read that book several years ago! It has geo-caching in it, right? That was the first time I had ever heard of that.

  26. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

    I’m really happy that July is about over. I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s the worst month of the year:

    –The stifling weather (in NYC, and this year seemingly everywhere) kind of makes me hate the world and everything in it. (August in NYC often is worse than July, but at least there’s a light at the end of the tunnel)
    –“Christmas in July” is spreading like a virus. I don’t think I’ve recovered yet from Christmas in December.
    –The All-Star Break means no baseball for a week.
    –The pointlessness that is Shark Week. I know that makes me a grinch, but I just find sharks…very uninteresting creatures.
    –It’s the start of the fiscal year at the place that’s verboten on weekends, which means it’s time to set goals for the coming year, and my mind just turns to mold every time the topic comes up.
    –There’s other stuff, too, but just typing out the sentence about goals turned my mind to mold. Happy almost-August, everyone!

    1. Chocolate Teapot*

      It has been very hot here. I dripped home to discover my local coach tour company had delivered its winter catalogue. As if I want to think about Gluhwein and Christmas markets at a time like this!

      1. A bit of a saga*

        It’s been a tough July this year! Another good thing about August is that it means it’s my turn to go on holiday so while I’d like the temperatures to drop to more bearable levels I’ll be really upset if I get to vacation in the rain after having had to stomach this weather for months on end while working.

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        Sign me up for that 60 degree weather! Something tells me this is going to be one of those summers where the 80-something, muggy weather holds on into late October. I hope I’m wrong.

    4. Mimmy*

      Ugh, I hear you on the stifling weather – I’m in New Jersey and am so OVER the muggy, intermittently stormy weather! Tomorrow is supposed to be less humid but still very warm.

    5. Middle School Teacher*

      I gotta say, as someone who lives where it gets SO COLD in the winter (last winter we had a few days where it was colder here than on Mars, the news channels thought it was hilarious), I wish we were getting that heat. We’ll get maybe 3-5 days of 28C or hotter, than like three days of rain, then 5 days of around 23C and cloudy, then more rain. I’m on holidays, I was looking forward to lying in the backyard and reading and drinking g&t!

      1. Thursday Next*

        No no! NYC summers can be brutal. Soooo humid, and miserable to wait underground for the subway. I dealt with heat in Tennessee and Texas so much better because I basically walked to my air conditioned car in the driveway and drove to the parking lot at my air-conditioned destination.

        Here I walk a third of the mile to the subway, get sweaty, get into the station, get sweatier, then cool off in the blissfully cool subway car until getting out and repeating the sweaty station-sweaty walk process.

        I feel like I can never look presentable in summer in the city. It was like this when I worked in Tokyo too.

        /rant over

  27. Foreign Octopus*

    Book Thread!

    What are you all reading this week? (And recommendations for Alison as well)

    I’ve just finished The Sellout by Paul Beatty and it was really a interesting take on racial segregation but I didn’t love it, love it. I think that might be because it was written about the black experience and I am very much white (seriously, I think I blinded a student last week when the sun reflected off my pale, pale skin), I was missing some of the context about it.

    I’ve just started Artemis by Andy Weir. I loved The Martian so much. It’s the one book I read every year and so I have high hopes for his second novel.

    As for Alison – I recommend anything by Donna Tartt. I really loved The Goldfinch and that’s definitely got a dysfunctional family involved. It was so good; it was one of those books that just stayed with me for ages afterwards.

    1. No Tribble At All*

      I looooovvve The Martian. I’m an aerospace engineer, and I cried laughing so many times. It’s just so accurate!! (Asked the engineers about the number one threat to the crew cabin: fire. What would happen? Death by fire). I haven’t gotten around to Artemis yet.

      I really like the Mortal Engines series by Phillip Reeve (Mortal Engines, Predator’s Gold, Infernal Devices, A Darkling Plain). They’re definitely more scifi– they’re set in a post apocalyptic world where all cities are motorized and drive around trying to eat each other. They have one of the most morally ambiguous protagonists, and she’s tough, angry, and unlikeable to those around her. I find it really refreshing, and the worldbuilding is amazing.

      1. Glowcat*

        You have convinced me, fellow aerospace worker (I’m on the physicists’ side, though). I added the Mortal Engines series to my as-infinite-as-the-universe list of books I want to read.

        1. No Tribble At All*

          Aerospace and cats!! Are you alternate-universe me?

          Curious what you mean about physicists side– orbital mechanics? Fluids? I also know some engineers-turned-physicists who design instrumentation. If we’re allowed to talk about this on Saturday, of course ;)

          1. Glowcat*

            Sorry, didn’t check the thread yesterday! I mean that I am in the aerospace sector but in research, I work with satellite missions in the data analysis part; I’m doing research in high-atmosphere stuff.
            And, yes, cats rule! :D

    2. Julianne (also a teacher)*

      I recently finished Bui Thi’s graphic memoir “The Best We Could Do” and Cristina Henriquez’s “The World in Half,” which we’re both great. I didn’t like “The World in Half” quite as much as her more recent “The Book Of Unknown Americans,” which I read a few years ago, but it was still really compelling. (And there is some family dysfunction, so.) Almost done with Roxane Gay’s “Difficult Women,” and then I’ll move on to “Inside Out and Back Again” by Thanhha Lai (because after the Bui Thi book, I want to read more about Vietnam War experiences).

      Recent notable nonfiction I’ve enjoyed: John Carreyrou’s “Bad Blood” and Hamilton and Armstrong’s “Paying for the Party,” which is a sociological study about class and college experiences/outcomes. I picked it up after seeing it recommended by a researcher I follow on Twitter (Dr. Tressie McMillan Cottam), and now I want more things like it. (Incidentally, Dr. McMillan Cottam’s book “Lower Ed,” which I read earlier this year was also fascinating, and given discussions about for-profit colleges on this site, I’d imagine it would be of interest to other readers here, too.)

      1. Muriel Heslop*

        Paying for the Party is on my list as is Bad Blood – thanks for the review. Lower Ed sounds interesting too!

    3. Lady Jay*

      Just finished an audiobook of Scott Jurek’s North, about his FKT (fastest-known time) running the Appalachian Trail. I enjoy outdoors adventure sports myself (hiking/climbing and distance running), so I really enjoyed hearing about his experiences, and those of the friends and family who supported him.

      Now I’m starting Nothing to Envy, by Barbara Demick; it’s about life in North Korea, especially during the 1990s. She focuses less on the documented, egregious hardships such as the work camps and more on the families, love affairs, and work experiences of regular, law-abiding citizens at the time. It’s shaping up to be good.

      1. Julianne (also a teacher)*

        Nothing to Envy was really good. I was on a North Korea kick a few years ago and read a couple of books about escapees and about life in North Korea, and Demick’s was my favorite.

      3. Miss Fisher*

        I am just finishing up Jena Miscavage Hills book on growing up in Scientology under her uncle. It’s really an interesting look into it from a kid’s perspective. Mike Rinder from Leah Remini show is also featured, so you learn more about his story.

        1. Miss Fisher*

          Sorry, meant to add this to the main thread. This was better written than some of the books on Scientology that I have seen. It seems like most of them don’t have a ton of education, so the books can be hard to get through.

          1. Former Employee*

            I really enjoyed “Troublemaker”, especially as I read it after seeing some of her shows on Scientology.

            1. Miss Fisher*

              I liked that one as well. The one I really didn’t care for was Mark Headley’s book. It was so terribly written. His experience was definitely a sad one though.

    4. Llellayena*

      Some awesome books from my library:

      Pastwatch: The Redemption of Christopher Columbus by Orson Scott Card. Science fiction and alternative historical fiction wrapped into one.

      The Firebird Trilogy by Kathy Tyers. An adventure story with a strong Jewish-based religious theme.

      Song in the Silence by Elizabeth Kerner. Probably the best portrayal of dragons I have ever come across.

      If you can’t tell, the bulk of my reading is sci-fi/fantasy! But they all have a much deeper storyline than just that aspect. Good reading!

    5. CAA*

      I’m reading “The Possible World” by Liese O’Halloran Schwarz. I’m not very far into it yet, but the writing is just beautiful. I picked it up mainly because Jodi Picoult said she wished she’d written it, and so far so good.

    6. Julia*

      I’m re-reading Protector of the Small, because I need more courage and badass girls/women in my life at the moment. It’s young adult, but really good, and while it’s also medieval fantasy, it tackles some really current issues like misogyny, bullying, and a refugee crisis.

      1. No Tribble At All*

        PROTECTOR OF THE SMALL

        Kel is such a champ. I swear I learned so much about leadership from her.

      2. Llellayena*

        Oh I love those books! I like the Trickster series a little better but all of Tamora Pierce’s books are worth several re-reads.

      3. TootsNYC*

        I love that series! I think it’s the most realistic “woman in a man’s world” story I’ve ever read. And Kel is really an inspiration in terms of focus, hard work, fairness, etc.

        My daughter and I re-read it now and then.

        My daughter took her beaten-up copy of “Page” to a book signing by Tamora Pierce.

      4. AdAgencyChick*

        I had to re-buy all of the Lioness Quartet books a few years ago because I’d destroyed my original copies from re-reading!

        1. Julia*

          I still consider Lioness Rampant my favorite, but objectively, Protector of the Small is probably Tammy’s best-written series without any problematic topics (SotL had the guys being a bit too pushy, The Immortals had that weird age gap, Trickster’s Duo has the white girl leading PoC) and although it has the smallest amount of magic and OMG factor, it’s just so, so good.

    7. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Oooh, thanks for mentioning Artemis, Foreign Octopus! I hadn’t heard about it, but now I have a hold on the ebook! I’ve got 5 ebooks on hold now with my library, and our system allows us to suspend the holds, which means you stay in “line”, but once you get to first, they keep you there and let the next person have it while your hold is suspended. So I’m going to try to get them all when we go to the family cabin near the end of August…five books might actually last me 3-4 days there! :D

    8. PieInTheBlueSky*

      My kids told me to read “Forget Me Not” by Ellie Terry. It was very good. The book is about a teenage girl with Tourette’s syndrome. She is frequently forced to a new town because of her mother, so the plot is mostly about the girl adjusting to a new school. The author has Tourette’s as well, so the depiction of Tourette’s feels very true.

    9. AdAgencyChick*

      An Ant Among Elephants by Sujatha Gidla. I like it very much so far. It’s about life as an untouchable in India. I know next to nothing about the caste system, and it’s proving to be both an eye-opening and enjoyable read.

    10. Chameleon*

      Also just re-read The Martian! Such a good book.

      My current favorite is The Girl On The Train, which is a mystery/horror book. It’s multi-POV (all female characters) but mostly from the first-person view of a very interesting protagonist.

      Also reading the Perry Mason books, which are not high art but I love them anyway.

      2. Tuna Casserole*

        I love the Perry Mason books. And all of the classic hardboiled mysteries, like those by Dashiell Hammett and Raymond Chandler.

    11. Middle School Teacher*

      The Year of Living Danishly. It’s cute! It’s making me want to move back to Europe and go back to Denmark.

    12. Glowcat*

      I just finished Bird Brains by Nathan Emory, an essay on birds’ intelligence and behaviour. I really enjoyed it, it gives a complete view of all the different types of intelligence, which are always amazing to see in animals; especially in birds, which tend to have expressionless faces and seem so different from us.
      I also started The Pillars of Earth by Ken Follett right today; meeting expectations so far, but I’m really just at the beginning.

    14. Tuna Casserole*

      Summertime is for quick reads, so I’m on a mystery book binge. These are the ones I’ve just finished:
      The Red Heron by Karen Dudley 4/5
      Death In Cold Type by C. C. Benison 4/5
      Long Upon the Land by Margaret Maron 4/5
      Shadow of a Butterfly by J. A. Menzies 4/5

    15. fort hiss*

      I’ve been reading The Cipher by Kathe Koja. Absolutely riveting (and nauseating) novel recommended by a list of great horror novels by women. It’s hard to compare to anything else I’ve read, but if you like unrelenting horror, it’s a gem.

    16. Bluebell*

      Just finished Sunburn by Laura Lippman. Great twisty noir. And also Atomic City Girls by Janet Beard- loved the real archival photos that were included.

    17. Maya Elena*

      I read two books by Donna Tartt of her three. Proceed with caution. No heroes there, just “whyyyyyyyy did you make those terrible decisions, seriouslyyyy”. Very well-written. But difficult subject matter to read about.

  28. Laura H.*

    My birthday is on Monday.

    I feel like I’m not where I should be at 28- and while I’m coming to grips that some of that is because of my Cerebral Palsy- it’s still hard.

    But all in all 27 has been kind to me for the most part with a few notable firsts.

    Now to figure out where I wanna have the birthday meal and figure out what I want to do for the parents’ anniversary on Thursday. They may get on my nerves and I on them, but they are a great example of what marriage looks like!

    2. OhBehave*

      Happy Birthday! Have your birthday meal at your very favorite place :).
      It sounds like, as you look back on the year, it wasn’t so bad. You made some progress with firsts. That’s awesome!

      It’s totally normal for parents to get on your nerves. I look back at my 20’s and realize I was stretching my wings and finding my independence. Staying in my old room at that time was horrible! I couldn’t wait to get back to my own little efficiency apt! Later, it was so much better.

    3. Dan*

      Do you actually want to be in that place where you aren’t? It seems like we have a checklist in the USA where we’re supposed to go to college, graduate, get a job, get married, and buy a house.

      I checked off a few things on that list. — college and job. I did get married, but since got divorced. No kids. I’m seriously looking for a long term partner at the moment. I rent an apartment, home ownership for me in this HCOL area isn’t going to happen anytime soon.

      And you know what? I’m a-ok with the things I’ve done on “the list” and a-ok with the things I haven’t. The thing is, where I live, if you have a wife and kid and want to buy a house and make the county median income (I live in a large county, but the median household income is $110k/year give or take a few grand), then you’re pushed further out in the county away from the city, and get what’s mostly a hellish commute. I look at that, and realize it’s not for me. Many people I know work 8-10 hours a day, and have at least a one hour commute each way (that’s on the low side). I look at that, and while that could be in my future some day, I sure as hell am not envious of the life those folks have. Me? I rent an apartment not that far from work. My stress levels are much lower, and I have the time and money to enjoy things that I want to do.

    1. annakarina1*

      I’ve been feeling frustrated at my stagnation in losing weight. I weigh 160 lbs at 5’4, and it’s a lot for me. My arms and legs are slimmer, most of my weight is in my chest, back, and abs. I had weighed this amount ten years ago, and wore a size 14 then. I lost thirty pounds over a year, and have worn a size 8 since then. But I’ve been at my current weight for a year and a half now, as I slowly gained back thirty pounds over the course of four years, and feel as if I can’t drop fat and weight. My face feels fuller, and I feel the weight on my neck more.

      I work out with yoga, weights, and Muay Thai a lot, and try to cut down on starches and dairy, as both bloat me up a lot. I cook eggs and chicken and turkey at home, try to eat more servings of vegetables and fruit, I drink water and tea, and rarely drink soda or sugary drinks.

      I tried being a vegan, but I just felt bloated and ill, and it felt wrong for me. I read about intermittent fasting, but I was worried that I would feel too obsessed over food and hunger. I could likely cut out dinner, or just eat a very small dinner, but I didn’t feel like the fasting plan would work for me.

      I get frustrated that I feel like I am stuck at my size, when I know I would look and feel better being twenty-thirty pounds lighter. I just don’t know if I need to do some new workout or have to change my diet more.

      1. Ali G*

        If you can, try to remind yourself that you are still doing healthy things for yourself, even if you aren’t losing weight. That’s a big deal and you should be proud of the positive changes you are making.
        Have you been to the doc lately? It might be worth talking to them or a resource they suggest to help you figure out what is stalling you. It could be your thyroid, or age related metabolism slowing, or something else. Then you might be able to figure out how to switch up your exercise or diet to compensate.

        1. annakarina1*

          I saw a doctor last year, and my vitals all checked out as healthy. I just need to adjust my diet pattern or do some more challenging workouts.

      2. Kattykit*

        Don’t discount intermittent fasting without giving it an honest effort! Many people find it easiest to skip breakfast rather than dinner. When you wake up you’ve already fasted about 8 hours and you just need a few hours more.

        Have you considered keto? If you don’t feed your body carbs it will switch from burning carbs to burning fat. Also try a macro tracking app like cronometer. You can do it!

        1. Kattykit*

          Forget to add that it can take some time for your body to adjust to keto, intermittent fasting, etc

          1. Rookie Biz Chick*

            Seconding the keto idea. It’s truly a mindset consideration for most in the beginning – eating fat to burn fat, whaaaatttt?! It’s so much more, though.

        2. annakarina1*

          Skipping breakfast would likely be fine for me, I can just drink tea or coffee and eat later.

          I also have a habit of eating granola bars daily at work, and can cut that out to cut down a little on calories.

      3. Pliant Platypus*

        I wonder if maybe you have plateaued. I don’t know how long you have been working out with the yoga, weights and Muay Thai. Perhaps adjusting your work out routine, swapping the weights for pilates or something aerobic. Obviously the Muay Thai is aerobic, but maybe change it up a little. Have you thought about seeing a nutritionist or dietician to help with your dietary needs? I don’t know how much they cost or if insurance would help at all, but it might be worth a shot.

      4. matcha123*

        I’m at a similar place, but different weight and about 2 inches shorter.
        Everyone talks about sleep, I know my sleep is sh*t, how about you? Are you getting restful sleep? Does your bed feel comfortable? Your pillow?
        If those things are fine, what about stress?

        I feel pretty bloated with a number of different foods. Many sites say to cut carbs, especially rice and breads…which I love. My compromise has been to eat my carbs with dinner, and a smaller amount with my breakfast. What other types of exercise have you tried? I felt best when I could do zumba, but haven’t been able to get to a class in over a year due to my schedule. You might find a dance class or wall climbing more suited to your needs.

        1. annakarina1*

          I used to take dance classes a lot when I was younger (like ages 25-early thirties, I’m 34 now), being really into jazz, modern, ballet, and hip-hop. It was good for staying fit since the routines were unpredictable and difficult. I stopped due to cost and not having much time, since I had to pay $14-$20 per class and my kickboxing classes are for a monthly rate of unlimited classes. I do miss it, but also don’t like to watch myself dancing in the mirror, I feel more self-conscious when watching myself. So it’s something to consider, I just have to get past my insecurity of feeling “old” and bigger than other younger dancers.

      5. Forking great username*

        I just read the obesity code – not that you’re obese, of course! But I am, and it was a super interesting read that did a very good job explaining the science behind why certain diets aren’t usually effective in the long term, why it’s much more complicated than just calories in and calories out, and gives some solid advice. I’m just starting to try out the intermittent fasting myself. The book suggests not cutting out dinner – instead eat dinner, but then don’t eat again until dinner the next day. And you can have water, tea, coffee, and bone broth while fasting. Plus you have days of regular eating between fasting days, so it’s not as grueling. I’m still having a hard time with it because I’m addicted to pop, which is obviously on the list of things to avoid. But I found it to be a very good read!

      6. Traveling Teacher*

        I think you sound like you’re doing an amazing job already! It sounds like it could be worth a consultation or two with a dietitian/nutritionist. Depending on your body, your habits, your needs, and your personal likes and dislikes, they could possibly give you some real insight into things to try. They can also help you sift through received knowledge that you might have about certain foods or habits and help you get to the root of your seeming plateau. Even if its not covered by insurance (which would suck), it could save you a lot of time and frustration in the long run if it fits in to your budget.

        One thing that has really helped me personally with my personal issues around food/eating was a perspective shift: viewing food as just food instead of “good” or “bad.” There’s a wonderful Dear Sugar podcast on that, actually, with an interview with two food scientists. I personally found it very lovely to listen to.

      1. annakarina1*

        Sorry, I was just feeling upset. I can’t delete this post, so I apologize for my griping.

        1. Detective Amy Santiago*

          You don’t need to apologize. It was very kind of you to warn before your post since weight/diet talk can be difficult for a lot of people.

          The only advice I have to offer would be to suggest reading some Health At Every Size resources and see if you can make peace with your body the way it is.

      2. RemingtonTypeType*

        It’s a heads up for people who avoid/are triggered by weight discussions so they can collapse the thread or scroll on by.

      3. The Cosmic Avenger*

        Really, “Really?” annakarina1 was sharing, as most of us do, she doesn’t need to have a point. Are you a regular here too ashamed to shame her publicly, or just dropping by to harass the regulars?

        annakarina1, don’t mind them. I’ve been plateauing recently, and I’ve been trying not to get too frustrated about it, too. I actually lost about 70 lbs, then gained back 20 which I had trouble losing for 3-4 years, and now I’m finally back down to my previous low weight only to be stuck on a plateau for a few weeks.

      4. nep*

        Uh…

        Sorry you’re struggling, annakarina1. It can really feel awful when you feel as if you’re doing everything ‘right’ and still the weight doesn’t seem to budge. It can certainly be more difficult as we age. (Do you know if your thyroid is functioning normally?)
        How did you lose the weight last time? What helped?
        I can only suggest (and you know all this): Be sure you’re in a calorie deficit (but not severely restricting! that’s unhealthy and unsustainable), move your body, drink plenty of water, and cut out processed foods to the extent possible. I have felt a lot leaner simply eating a smaller dinner and eating less upon getting up in the morning. Not intermittent fasting, but just seeing that I’m fine with less; I was eating more just out of habit. I’ve had experienced extreme hunger at all.
        No one wants to hear it but consistency and patience are the two primary requirements.
        Wishing you all the best.

        1. nep*

          (My ‘Uh…’ was in response to Really? I didn’t get that at all–but I guess maybe Really? posted that before seeing annakarina1’s full post.)

        2. annakarina1*

          I initially lost the weight by doing a lot of heavy weight training, going to the gym and doing dance and fitness classes about 5 times a week, and cut down on starches. That worked well when I was 25, but I’m 34 now and have been doing those kind of workouts for years, so it doesn’t have as much effect on me now. I really think it’s more just needing to skip breakfast and cut out some of my daily snacking on granola bars at work, to just cut a few hundred calories so I don’t eat more than I realize. I find that when I eat lightly and stay busy and active, I do feel better physically and lose a little weight.

          1. AdAgencyChick*

            SOLIDARITY, SISTER. I’m also in a place where doing what worked for me once to get my weight down is having little to no effect. It’s really frustrating. I wish our bodies would tell us how they change and what they need us to do differently as we age. :/

  30. Violet Strange*

    I find sharks very interesting, but Shark Week has devolved into a sad and pathetic exercise. Especially this year, where the theme seems to be “D list celebrity meets shark.”

    1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      I agree. One thing is worse than the next and the hype is endless. (I watch too much TV and need to get out more.)

      But my main question is…why sharks, every single year? Why not Lion Week or Zebra Week or Ferret Week or even Cat Week and Dog Week?

      1. Bacon Pancakes*

        I feel like there are enough interesting animals out there to devote a week to anything! Goose week? I’m there! Turtle week? Heck yeah!

        1. BahahaBlackSheep*

          Turtle week, yes please! Especially lots of vids of them eating berries–pure unadulterated turtle joy!

          I would have to pass on Goose week–i have to imagine there would be lots of vids and pics of violent goose attacks (some of those mofos are MEAN). One of them pulled down my pants and diaper when I was at a petting zoo as a toddler and I have never trusted another goose again!

          1. Bacon Pancakes*

            My mom thought it would be cute to get geese on our mini-“farm” when i was a kid. That SOB knocked me down and beat me when I was like 10 and I refuse to get one. But wild geese that don’t crap all over soccer fields are cool.

      2. Glowcat*

        Maybe because a lot of sharks are endangered? Not that they are the only ones, but they are the “bad guys” in people’s minds…
        But yeah, I agree: there’s plenty of other animals to choose.

    2. Former Employee*

      Regardless of short comings of Shark Week, I have come to love and admire sharks because they inspire such fear and hatred in the current occupant of the White House.

    3. Snark*

      Time to up the ante: feed D list celebrities, or maybe a former reality TV host who’s been making a nuisance his damnself, to sharks. I’d watch that shit forever.

      1. Middle School Teacher*

        I admire Michael Phelps for his athleticism, and I knew it wouldn’t happen this way, but I was SO DISAPPOINTED last year when he didn’t actually race a shark.

      3. Anonymosity*

        Heh. Me too.
        I’m reminded of Mason Verger in Thomas Harris’ book Hannibal and his plan to feed Dr. Lecter to the specially bred pigs. Are you sure you’re not secretly a reclusive, disfigured, respirator-dependent billionaire? ;)

  31. alex*

    Book recommendation in the dysfunctional-family genre: The Uses of Enchantment by Heidi Julavits

    My query for the masses: What Chromebook should I get, and from where should I buy it? I have determined that a Chromebook is the right next laptop for me, but which one?!
    WHAT I CARE ABOUT:
    — I can sync multiple google accounts to this computer and easily trasition between them
    — Connecting a wireless mouse, tablet, and kindle won’t be a hassle
    — I can use Dropbox, the google cloud, and the iphone cloud easily.
    — I can use legal/subscription video streaming sites easily.
    — The screen is at least 12 inches diagonally across (preferably longer).
    — Price all-in including 2-3yr warranty (and I want the liquid-spill protection included; I’m clumsy) is under $1000 total.
    WHAT I DON’T CARE ABOUT:
    — portability/weight/slimness: My current laptop hasn’t left my desk more than a few times in years; I have a computer at my work office and an iphone and a tablet
    — battery life (see above)
    — appearance
    — gaming/fancy graphic capability
    PLUSES:
    — a stylus/pen
    — bigger screen (13″+)
    — touch screen
    — flex/folding ability (’cause I’m always scared of breaking my current laptop by pushing the screen back too far)

    Ones I’m considering:
    Samsung Chromebook Plus https://www.google.com/chromebook/device/samsung-chromebook-plus/
    Acer Chromebook 15 CB515-1HT https://www.google.com/chromebook/device/acer-chromebook-15-cb515-1ht/
    Asus Chromebook Flip C101PA
    https://www.google.com/chromebook/device/asus-chromebook-flip-c101-pa/

    Any experiences with those or opinions or recommendations?

    1. Kendra*

      I don’t have personal experience with any of those Chromebooks, but I would recommend making sure you can get a really, really good look at the keyboard layout of those before you buy one, or try in person. My job involves using the touchpad and keyboard of a lot of different people’s personal laptops, and some of them have do some really weird things with the arrow keys that make it super annoying to use.

      As for buying it, just go for anything reputable with a return policy that lets you get it for cheap.

    2. Someone else*

      I know this sort of sidesteps your question, but your list has me slightly confused how you narrowed your search down to “Chromebook”, given this:

      WHAT I DON’T CARE ABOUT:
      — portability/weight/slimness: My current laptop hasn’t left my desk more than a few times in years; I have a computer at my work office and an iphone and a tablet
      — battery life (see above)

      The above are very often major reasons folks tend to go Chromebook over inexpensive traditional laptop. Especially given the budget you mentioned and the things you don’t care about…and the desire for the bigger screen, you may be unnecessarily limiting your choices. Most of the larger screened Chromebooks I’ve looked at are more expensive than traditional laptops or come with very poor reviews. So that’s something to consider.
      As for the ease of using dropbox/streaming services, that’s really a question more about “do you find Chrome OS/Chrome apps intuitive” than something I’d expect to be specific to the model you choose.

      All that said, I’ve heard very good things about pretty much all Samsung Chromebooks. The Asus can be hit or miss, and Asus in general is kind of notorious for having power supply issues…not just in their Chromebooks, but their laptops in general. The keyboard layout on that Acer would bother me, but if you’ve tried it in a store display and it doesn’t bug your wrists that may be a non-issue.

      1. alex*

        Thanks; these replies suggest I need to check the keyboard, so I will do that before buying. I realized there was some difference (no caps lock) but will look into it more.

        My reasoning for a Chromebook is that I dislike Windows, I don’t want to pay for another Macbook (as much as I love them), and I do everything in the google cloud (for work I deal with hundreds of things at a time in google docs, sheets, and forms). The Samsungs do seem to have the best reviews.

    3. Observer*

      See if you can get a Pixelbook on sale. It’s gotten excellent reviews, and it does have a stylus, but that’s an extra cost, which would put it over your budget.

      HP also has some ChromeBooks. I haven’t had experience with them, but my experience with their (business line) laptops has been excellent. Check the keyboards though – some of their keyboards are great others…. Not so much flimsy as the design being less comfortable.

  32. Veruca*

    This week I’m going to visit my family for the first time in nearly two years. In that time, my genetic and degenerative illness has really had an effect, and I have a lot of limitations that they aren’t used to. I’m on a very specific though easily accommodated diet to help manage my illness.

    I’m a bit panicked. My parents don’t behave in a supportive or kind way. (Mom has some significant mental issues; Dad’s main priority is that No One Upset Mom.) My parents expect me to pass as able-bodied (which I have been able to up to this point), and my extended family (that I’ll be seeing as well) doesn’t know that anything is wrong. (Because this would Upset Mom)

    Anyone else with invisible-but-becoming-visible-illness have wisdom to offer?

    1. Detective Amy Santiago*

      Do you have a relative you trust that you can talk to ahead of time and ask to be there for support?

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Is there someone who is NOT mom and dad who would play a supportive roll for you if they knew your setting?

      I think that your folks are so invested in their own stuff that they may never be able to meet you in your reality. It’s overload for them. Perhaps you can find one or two people who will be supportive to you.

    3. TootsNYC*

      I don’t have a serious illness, but in terms of extended family, I can say that I’ve observed that sometimes THEY are more supportive than people closer to you. In my extended family, it’s the aunts and cousins who get fierce about “there has to be something gluten-free for Toots” or “Let’s take this conversation inside out of the heat so Kimmy, who is frail and has to stay in the A/C, doesn’t feel left out.”

      You deserve to have their support–so loop them in.

      Also–this is YOUR illness, and this illness is ABOUT YOU. So I think it’s time for you to take charge of your life and your relationships with the extended family. They are your cousins, your aunts & uncles, your grandparents, etc. And you get to prioritize this fact over the concept that they are your mom’s nieces and nephews, etc., etc. It is time to put yourself first here.

      My suggestion would be for you to reach out to all the extended family and say, “I wanted to let you know that I’ve been coping with Illness, and the effects are becoming more visible, so you’ll notice them on my upcoming trip. You haven’t heard before because my mom finds it upsetting to talk about, so I would ask you to be discreet and considerate to her. I’m looking forward to seeing you!”

      Then they’re not blind-sided when they find out, and the idea of it being a secret won’t be the focus of uproar.

      I wish you peace and some detached self-focus–by which I mean: Treat yourself like a beloved toddler. Determine what you need, and then be firm and calm in insisting that you get it. “Mom, this conversation isn’t helpful to me. I’m going to go for a walk.” “I’ll take charge of food, so I can be sure I’m eating right. It doesn’t matter to me that you think its too much fuss.”

      You may not have the focus to respond in the best way, right in the moment, so build in some alone time every day (similar to a toddler’s nap, which no loving caretaker would skip!), which will give you a respite and allow you some strategizing time. Just set up a schedule, much the way parents do for their little kids, and protect it the way they would.

      “Treat yourself like someone you are responsible for helping” is how Jordan Peterson puts it.

      1. Mazzy*

        On a tangent, I think it’s funny you reference Jordan Peterson. I had a much younger colleague ask me if I knew who he was, and he made it sound like JP offers so much groundbreaking advice and information. Then I listened to him and it was loads of common sense. It wasn’t bad, but I was laughing to myself, thinking that someone needed to hunt down a podcast to get told basic things about adult life.

    4. Temperance*

      With your mom, the goalposts are always moving because you don’t know what will set her off. You’ve gotten used to walking on eggshells around her, and your dad has never cared that she treats people badly so long as she directs it elsewhere and not at him.

      In this specific situation, I might just go over their heads and reach out to another relative (aunt maybe?) and say that you’re excited to see them, but want to let them know that you’ve been dealing with X.

      So, I’m not sure if you’re a redditor, but you might get some good, specific advice on your situation from BPDLovedOnes or RaisedByBPD. I’m not dxing your mom, but my family has a similar vibe to yours, and I can relate to a lot of what you’ve posted, and these have helped me.

      1. Veruca*

        YES. THIS.

        I would love to reach out to another relative, but really tried to keep their distance from her. And me, just by proxy. I wish that as an adult I had been better about building those bridges. I guess now is the time to start, and it’s never too late?

        1. OhBehave*

          It is absolutely never too late!

          Maybe your mom is stronger than dad thinks? Anyhoo – you must be true to yourself and do what’s best for YOU, not everyone else. This is your reality that you must manage the best way you see fit. Please stick up for yourself in all things. I would also add that if someone asks what’s wrong you fess up and let them know in the simplest of terms. Now, if they ask how you’ve been, I wouldn’t blurt out the illness but speak in general terms about your life. Is this illness hereditary? If so, it may be a good thing to share with your family in case they could have it.
          All the best – the visit is not forever – it just may seem like it!

        2. Observer*

          It’s never too late.

          Start building those bridges and make it clear that this has nothing to do with Mom.

          You’re at a point where it’s soon going to be impossible to hide your illness, even if it’s still possible. So “do not upset Mom” goes from unreasonable to impossible. Which means you need to find a way to do your thing with the least trouble for you. If you can reduce your mother’s involvement, so much the better.

          But, do practice some responses to the things you know she’s likely to say.

    5. Penguin*

      Captain Awkward (in post #1126) offers a list of script responses for use when having to have the “this is my new normal” conversation with people. I can’t speak for anyone else, but as a possessor of several mental illnesses I found it SUPER helpful, even just as a place to start.

    6. LilySparrow*

      Can you “recruit” your dad to help you prepare Mom for the necessary changes you’ll need?

      Dad, I have to talk to you about something – I don’t want Mom to be surprised when she sees me, so I want to prepare her for how my disease has progressed, but I don’t know how to talk to her about it without upsetting her. Can you help?

      These things have changed, permanently, and I can’t pretend that there are no problems, because it’s physically impossible. I know it would Upset her if it comes out of the blue, and I don’t want that. How can we lay the groundwork, do you think?”

      Maybe if you reassure your dad that you’re on the same team, he can see that accommodating your needs and Not Upsetting Mom are aligned, not opposing, goals.

    7. StrikingFalcon*

      Do you have options for other places to stay other than your parents’ place? Having somewhere to go at the end of the night other than under their roof will likely be a big sense of relief.

      If you need to cut the visit short for your own health, or find other arrangements part way through, give yourself permission to do so. You don’t need to lay yourself up for weeks in order to not upset your mother. Hold firm on what you need, whatever it is. Remember that your goal here isn’t “I get what I need and Mom has no bad feelings about it” it’s “I get what I need and also see some family.” Try not to take on the emotional labor of managing other people’s feelings about your illness. Just take care of yourself and enjoy the good moments.

      Wishing you best of luck, this stuff is hard.

    8. Kuododi*

      I’m very sympathetic…I actually have a bunch of chronic health problems which combined have made for a mess of life issues. What I would encourage you to do if at all possible is to get a hotel, AirBnB, stay with friends in the area… something to give you an escape hatch from the family drama llama. If that’s not a viable option for whatever reason, I second and third the very good suggestions already on this thread… particularly about walking away from family when conversation about health is overwhelming. I had to pull that one on family I was visiting last weekend. All they seemed to want to talk about was how awful this and that was about things regarding my physical issues. I just turned and SD…”My physical health is a very boring subject…let’s find something else to talk about!!!”. Worked like a charm!!! Best wishes and a safe journey!!!

  33. WannaKnowMore*

    So, I’m hoping for some advice from all the kind commenters on Thursday’s ask the readers thread.

    I think I might be interested in trying some kink. It’s come up on some fiction I read and now I’m having some fantasies. But were do I go from here?

    Can anyone point me to some resources or tell me how to find people who might be interested in this?

    I already know to talk about what you’re going to do and what safe words you use before you start, but that is where my knowledge ends.

    1. Bacon Pancakes*

      The Han and Matt know it all blog may have pointers on how to engage with others and their interests. They recently fielded a letter from someone who couldn’t figure out to meet people interested in polyamourous relationships. I doubt they will have SPECIFIC advice, but general “here is how you go out and meet the people you want to” advice.

    2. Penguin*

      ThePageist DOT com is a (recently ended) podcast website about all sorts of kink, including book reviews and interviews with a whole bunch of folks involved in all sorts of aspects of the kink community. Some of the guests talk about getting involved in the scene, as does the host on at least one episode.

    3. neverjaunty*

      Check out Tristan Taormino’s books – she has a lot of stuff on “getting introduced to this new thing 101”.

    4. Melody Pond*

      So I was heavily involved in the local kink scene in Portland, OR for a while. (Side note: Portland was named the kinkiest city in the US a while back, by Kink University!) That’s actually how I met my now-husband, Mr. Pond, at a BDSM party.

      When I was first getting interested in kink, I picked up and read a book called Different Loving by William & Gloria Brame. It really suited my style of reading, almost like an academic textbook, exploring real stories of real people who were into various different kinks. Also, I’m the type of person who likes to research things thoroughly before jumping into them. I found it informative and helpful, and helped me think about the different kinks I might be interested in. It also reads like it’s a documentary – at the end of each chapter is an in-depth look at real-life people who are into the kink explored in that chapter.

      Are you interested in meeting fellow kinksters by getting involved in a local scene? If so, finding a regular munch (original term was “burger munch”; it refers to a gathering of kinky people in a purely vanilla social setting, like a bar or restaurant; nothing kinky actually goes on there) would be a good place to start. There’s a social networking site called FetLife that is a good resource for (A) finding local events near you, and (B) informative discussion groups. Also, FetLife is full of NSFW pictures and video, if you just want to look around at what other people do. (Although as FetLife has gotten bigger and bigger, it’s easiest to find the high-production-value stuff that professional photographers and models are posting, and that’s not necessarily representative of what your average Joe kinkster is up to.)

      Another side note – I think for a while there, FetLife required an invitation from an existing member to be able to join, but I *believe* that’s not the case anymore. I think anyone can sign up again.

      As you touched on, good negotiating skills are a MUST. Honestly, I waited a long time before actually jumping in and playing with people. I hung out at munches and got to know people casually first. And even when I started going to kink parties, I intentionally waited and just watched other people play for a long time, before I ever participated in a scene with someone. I’d generally recommend that same general approach to newbies.

      1. Workerbee*

        +1 for William & Gloria Brame. Unless my memory has completely failed me, it was due to someone leaving up their Different Loving website on a library computer in college that opened my eyes to the fact that there were other people like me. I haven’t thought of this in years, but now I want to check out that book!

    5. Also Anon for This*

      For books, I recommend “screw the roses,send me the thorns,” for some basics, and “the ethical slut” -both a bit dated but I think they will hold up. I second the suggestions of munches and fetlife. I also suggest dipping a toe in by trying out some light play yourself or with a friend. For example, back in my purely fantasizing days, I thought I might spanking as it featured prominently in stories I liked. Turns out, physically I am not a masochist, ie, what can transport some people to a place of ecstasy is, for me, simply painful and boring. So try little bites of reality before getting into anything heavy.
      Also, if you think you might be on the submissive side, when you start getting out socially, beware of doms/tops who prey on the inexperienced. Being “submissive” doesn’t mean following the orders of any random person who issues them. Some will try telling you to do stuff (ex: go get me a drink) think you’re manipulable if you do, and that “you’re not a real submissive” if you don’t. In my experience, most people in the bdsm scene value consent highly, much more so than mainstream vanillas. However like anywhere else there are a few bad apples. I recommend asking for references from other play partners before playing with someone new, and take advantage of added safety of public scening (at a monitored dungeon or party) rather than going off with someone alone.

    6. WannaKnowMore*

      Thanks everyone for your book recommendations and especially for the real life meeting and safety tips.

    7. Not putting my name*

      Thirding the look at fetlife for munches. Meet people with all clothes on in public. I also actually reccomend trying things for the first time at a public party/event with people I trust. That can up the discomfort factor for some people and may not work for you. The whole point of public parties is that they generally have staff set up to intervene if things go really wrong. I’ve found that helpful.

  34. nep*

    I’m having great results–just generally feeling leaner and a lot better–from two things (I’m thinking it’s due to these, as they are the only changes I’ve made recently, and it just makes sense): Eating just a little something first thing in the morning, instead of getting full. What I used to eat was healthy but just too much. And for no reason–it was just a habit. Secondly, stopped eating store-bought energy or protein bars. (Let’s face it most of them are glorified candy bars. I would buy mostly just Larabar or Rx, which aren’t full of preservatives and the ingredients are OK–still that sugar and those calories add up!) When I was in the habit of getting these bars, I’d have two sometimes three a day–sometimes in the car after the store. Again, just a habit. That’s 400 to 800 calories–for nothing, really. It feels really good not to be buying them anymore. (Saving money too.) They are OK if you’re in a position where you need something simple while going for a long time w/o food, but I was having them like mindless snacks.
    It’s all reminding me of something I once read online: Bad habits don’t just go away–It’s an undo-it-yourself project.

    1. WellRed*

      Yes to your point about eating healthy but too much food. And too much “healthy” food as well. I once watched a friend eat a whole bag of those…dehydrated veggie sticks(I think that’s what they were) she didn’t even like them that much and it was several hundred calories of nothing, really.

      1. nep*

        Right. Portion control is huge. I’m talking about completely non-processed foods, including fruits. It is possible to get too much. It’s sugar and calories and it adds up.
        (I don’t consider any of those ‘healthy’ snack foods healthy in any case. But I reckon less bad than some things.)

    3. The Other Dawn*

      That’s why I stay away from protein bars as much as I can. I ate them for awhile after my gastric bypass since I needed the extra protein, but I’ve since stopped because I found myself treating them as candy bars/snacks and not the meal replacement they’re meant to be. The only time I have them now is when I’m tired of the same old food, or I know I won’t be eating for awhile. And when I have them, I stick to Quest bars since they have only a gram or two of sugar and they’re usually under 200 calories. I sometimes have the ON protein cake bites or a Power Crunch bar, but I try not to buy those.

      1. nep*

        Yeah–I was really treating them like snacks. Pretty much a candy bar one can rationalise–oh, it’s ‘healthy’. I’m so much better off when I just don’t look at them at the store. (It has really driven home how often I used to get them and mindlessly put away a couple a day.)

    4. KL*

      I was in the aisle with “healthy snacks” the other day, thinking I might find something else for my mid-day snack…. Nope. I just stood there marveling at how anyone could think any of it was healthy. It’s just candy bars and cookies and sugar for days, and the granola is just cereal with nuts. It may be labeled a “snack bar”, but I know a brownie when I see it.

  35. Cultural phenomenon*

    I’m excited for this week: I live in a small town in southwest Missouri, fewer than 15k people, but once a year at least 50k (some estimates top 110k—whoa!) Vietnamese Catholics come to town for a massive festival held in roughly 4-6 square blocks. These pilgrims are celebrating their escape from Vietnam in the 70s, 80s, and 90s and memorializing the many loved ones lost on the harrowing journey. They set up giant tent restaurants on the grounds where various cchurch groups from around the country serve food to raise money for their youth programs. They welcome everyone so I eat as many meals as I can there for those few days. :)

    Our city is overwhelmingly welcoming to the pilgrims and the city departments are amazing behind the scenes. Every year I am overwhelmed by what folks endured to get here. It’s my most favorite event of the year!

    1. WellRed*

      THat sounds awesome. What is it that draws them to your town, specifically? Is it where many originally settled?

      1. Cultural phenomenon*

        As best I know, there was a Catholic seminary building in town that was mostly inactive at that time. I’m not sure if there was anyone living there anymore at that point even. Cardinal Bernard Law became aware of a group of religious refugees and knew of the unused property and buildings in our little town so he connected them. Turned out it was a group of priests or brothers (the details are a little unclear to me) and they set it up for religious studies and then to host a gathering for anyone who wanted to get together. It was just a few hundred that first year they say…but for many years it grew exponentially and now pilgrims drive and fly in from most every state. (And of course now we all know of Law for terrible reasons, but I’m grateful for his positive impact on this.)

    2. Bacon Pancakes*

      Hmong festivals are the best! There is a large community where I am in Northern California.

      1. Cultural phenomenon*

        Very neat! I hope you get to enjoy some wonderful food now and again. :) I wish we had more of a presence here. The folks in the religious order are somewhat sequestered on purpose, and not many families have settled here so we just get to interact one time a year.

      2. OyVey*

        My midwest hometown was a major resettlement area for Hmong families in the 80’s/early 90’s. It’s taken a lot of work over the last three decades but they’re firmly part of the fabric of the community now. The community college prints most of it’s materials in Hmong as well as English and festivals that started in a community room at the library have grown into massive street festivals every year. It’s really quite lovely to see how a homogenous insular part of the upper midwest has embraced the culture and encorporated it.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      You made me think of Operation Babylift. That made a huge impression on me then. Those folks are now in their 40s. Mind-bending.

      2. All Hail Queen Sally*

        Several years ago, I was in a class with a young man who stated he was one of those babies brought out on Operation Babylift.

    4. Anonymosity*

      I know exactly where you are and what this is. I’ve never been to it, but I always thought it sounded pretty cool. *waves from an hour away*

  36. Down and Out Anon*

    I’m feeling very withdrawn lately. The last month and a half has been very difficult. Between work problems, worry about family medical issues, friend drama, and a few sudden deaths of old friends/coworkers, I have been run ragged. It seems to finally be slowing down and things getting back to normal, but I am having a hard time getting my social life back to normal.

    These last few weeks, any rare spare moment I had, I took to rest and take care of myself. Now that my free time is coming back to normal amounts, I’m having a hard time motivating myself to be social. I thought I had plans with friends already set up for this weekend but my calendar was actually empty. My first thought was ‘Oh I should make some plans because I haven’t seen anyone for anything fun in a while’. That thought was quickly thrown out and I started to think ‘With a free weekend, I can catch up laundry and clean my house, or even do something quiet and fun like read a book, craft, or work on a puzzle’. There’s nothing stopping me from seeing friends other than me.

    I’m a little worried about cutting myself a break now and I’ll fall into a pattern of withdrawing after a difficult time. How should I motivate myself to do something with friends and family?

    1. TootsNYC*

      set up a reward?

      “If I message Kathy about going to the museum, I can do 12 puzzle pieces.”

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Keep it simple. Instead of doing something that takes an entire morning or afternoon, pick stuff that is shorter like an hour or two. Your friends are probably feeling a time crunch with their own stuff.

      It’s not so much that you do a lot of social stuff, it’s that you do social stuff every so often. It might be helpful to have baseline chores that must be done and everything else can slide for a short bit. My baseline was laundry and cleaning the bathroom and kitchen. It was too hard to catch up if I skipped those things or let them slide.

    3. Nita*

      Maybe it’s just too early. This sounds like a lot to recover from. If you don’t feel like being social, give yourself more time, or limit yourself to meeting with a few close friends who know you’ve been through the wringer. I hope things getting better for you.

  37. Queenie*

    How much money to do you guys spend on fun stuff/treats/entertainment/splurging?

    I’m unemployed right now, so the only fun thing in my budget is Netflix. (And I’m selling some books on Amazon–I use the profit to get more books.)

    When I’m employed again, I’d like to devote a little bit of each pay check to put into a fun stuff fund, but I’m not sure how much. $10? $15 $20?

    1. Bacon Pancakes*

      I think that since “entertainment” money covers soooo many things, it will be tough to gauge. But I think I budget around $50 a month for ‘normal’ entertainment (Netflix/Hulu/Amazon Prime) and it still covers an occasional movie. But if you like large concerts, it probably won’t be enough.

      1. Dan*

        Yeah. I gave up trying to do line-time budgeting because there’s so much cross over. I’m a bit of a foodie, so I have a healthy grocery budget. But if I go out to eat, is that entertainment? But I didn’t consume groceries that night, so is it fair to allocate all of the dining out expense to entertainment?

        The happy middle ground that I worked out is that I put some real thought into how much money I can spend every week, and came up with a monthly total. With this method, all I have to do is log into my credit card account and check my balance. If it’s too high, i know I need to adjust downward for the next couple of weeks. If it’s on the low side, I don’t have to do anything. No pushing numbers around a spreadsheet.

        1. Bacon Pancakes*

          I specifically have a dine-out budget seperate from my grocery budget. It blew my mind when I tracked my expenses for six months to see where my overspending habits are!!

          1. Anonymosity*

            Ugh, I just figured out I probably spend about $10 a week on a regular coffee shop visit with my dharma group. That’s $40 a month!
            I can still go to the coffee shop but I can get drip coffee instead of a latte, or nothing.

            1. Anonymosity*

              And I have been spending money on movies, but not working makes me feel trapped in the house. It feels like prison.

    2. Temperance*

      I think it depends on your overall budget, and what you would put into that fund. My household shares a subscription to Netflix and one to Amazon Prime.

      For me, my personal entertainment fund is about $50/month, but that is just stuff I want, like Kindle Unlimited, Comixology Unlimited, video rentals, books, and comic books. I usually don’t spend all of it because I use Overdrive and Hoopla.

      1. Kate Daniels*

        Hoopla has an incredible selection of audiobooks! I just wish they would improve the app to lead to a better listening experience.

    3. wingmaster*

      For me, I set aside $200/month for entertainment/going out/splurging. I’m able to have a decent budget for this because my commute to work by car is really short (5 minute drive). I don’t drive a lot either, so I do not have to buy a lot of gas (SUV driver too). With that, along with monthly expenses and savings, I still have a good amount of money leftover.

      Most of my money in entertainment/going out/splurging my is spent on food…because I love food…and margaritas.

      1. Dan*

        You bring up a good point about commuting expenses — they seem to get overlooked when people talk about where to live and how much house they can afford to buy. I put 7000 miles a year on my car. I drive a 2010 model year car that has 56,000 miles on it. I get one oil change a year, and fill up the gas about every three weeks or so.

        Every once in awhile, I house sit for friends that live further out from where I live. My commuting expenses go up like crazy.

    4. Chaordic One*

      When I’m unemployed I spend around $50 or so a month. The two big things I buy are magazines and treating myself to Starbucks. I spend anywhere between $100 to $200 a month when I’m working on silly, but fun, things. Concerts, movies, books that I can’t get at the library, dinner out once a week or so.

    5. Dan*

      It depends on where you live, what your expenses are, what your long term financial outlook is, and what you want to do. I live in an HCOL area, and $30 represents one hour of take home pay for me. (That tends to be how most people “normalize” the cost of something — how hard do you have to work to pay for something?) So my fun budget is way higher than that.

      When I budget, I do two things — I work from “now” forward, itemizing my required monthly expenses. Then, I work backward from the future — i make some estimates about how much money I need to save for retirement, and work that in. From there, *then* I decide about optional things. How much car can I afford? What’s left over for “fun”.

      So the answer to your question really doesn’t lie with what others do, it’s all about what makes sense for your own situation.

    6. Kate Daniels*

      I spend approximately $6/month on Kindle Unlimited (I got a two-year subscription as part of a Black Friday deal for 40% off) and $9.99/month on Spotify. Those are the only subscriptions I have, though I am considering getting a YouTube premium subscription because I love watching travel vlogs for fun, and it would be great to use my iPad for other things while minimizing the app and to skip the adds. I usually spend between $15-30/month on e-books.

      My library has a decent selection of audiobooks, so I was able to cancel a subscription I had to Audible. I also listen to podcasts as a form of free entertainment. I do have cable TV, which is part of a bundle with my Internet that is a little over $100/month. I also have a membership to my city’s art museum, which is roughly $100/year.

    8. Traveling Teacher*

      I think it’s really smart of you to have an entertainment budget. Even if it’s really small, it can help so much after truly shoestring times to have a little bit of mad money, even if it’s only 5 bucks! I do 40 euros/month for anything that isn’t strictly a “necessity” and it usually involves things that contribute to my definition of fun things/entertainment (as below).

      tl;dr: After some budget tracking, I decided to cut out lots of previously “necessary” expenses and file them all under “fun.” This is based entirely around my own habits and savings goals, but reading stuff like this helped me determine my own budget guidelines around fun, so if you’re interested:

      40 euros/month includes any purchases for my hobbies (crafting), books, coffees out, movies, magazines, games, “extra” treats/books/toys I buy for my kid, random stuff I want (I once bought a lemon/lime squeezer with my budget, for example, as well as a fancy glass kettle with temperature settings even though we had a perfectly adequate basic kettle).

      This also includes “extra” clothes in the 40 euros/month (We usually have a one-out, one-in policy, like when my beloved boots could no longer be repaired, I bought myself a new pair, using our “broken” line-item, which we also use for paid repairs. If I bought an extra pair of boots, however, that would come from the budget. Or, if an outfit to complete work-wear was unrepairable or truly ruined, then I would replace it, but if I suddenly bought a new shirt just because, that’s the budget).

      After the first 3-4 years of our marriage, my husband and I began tracking all expenses to see where all of our money was going. There were a couple of things we did not believe until we had tracked for 2-3 months, then we made radical changes! Some people I know think that the amount is too small, but it has forced me to become very creative in repairing things and really think about purchases I make and to think of most expenses as a “splurge.” I started getting magazines and newspapers from the library/library e-reader, and we completely stopped going to the movies (now, we’re always three years behind on films (France doesn’t let networks stream until 3 years after release), but there are so many things to watch that it honestly does not matter)

      There are some things that I just stopped doing after we implemented the budget because I decided that I didn’t want to blow my personal budget on them (shopping with friends–always ended up buying something I didn’t need, and I wasn’t having much fun anyway–the only people I trust to give me clothing advice are my sister and my mom! Everyone else is just too nice.) Plus, spending out on coffee and cakes. I can make a cake at home with ingredients I always have on hand and watch a movie on Netflix or play a board game with as many friends as I want to have over. I also watched leboncoin like a hawk and eventually invested in a very-used-but-great fancy coffee machine. Saves me oodles of cash, and I just make a cappucino before I go out in my travel mug so that I’m not tempted.

      Netflix is its own line-item because the household shares that, though. (That’s also paid and then some through not having to pay the TV tax in our country because we don’t own a TV, and we don’t watch any provided public channels online). We’ve been thinking of cutting it out entirely, though, to push ourselves to use our free time more wisely. We’re not ready to do that just yet, though!

    9. Hannah*

      There isn’t any line item in my budget called “Fun.” I think grocery shopping is fun, soooo….where does that leave me?!

      How I make my budget is I figure out how much money I bring in via paycheck each month, and then divide up that money so that every dollar has a purpose. What categories make sense for you might be different from mine, but for me, I have: Auto and transportation, clothing, dining, groceries, fitness, rent, natural gas, electricity, netflix, cable internet, cell phone, vacation, miscellaneous, and savings. Each category has an assigned amount, and every dollar I spend gets assigned to one of these categories. If I overspend in a category, the next month I either assign less to that category, or take from a category that still has funds available to top it up. For example, if I went $20 over my grocery budget, but didn’t spend all my dining budget, I could count some of that dining budget towards groceries. I reconcile all of this once per month. (My bank’s budgeting software that tracks all my transactions, be they CC or cash or debit or check, helps me with this.) If I overspent overall, I try to make up for it the next month, or I may make the decision that those expenses were important enough for me to cover the amount with what I have in savings, and I move that amount from my savings to my checking. Conversely, some categories, like clothing and travel, I assume will be used in big chunks, and so I try to accumulate money that is assigned to those groups. So for example, if I had $20 left in my clothing budget for a month, the next month would be the regular number +$20.

      With this method, I’ve been able to amass over half a year’s salary over the past six years, and that includes needing to take some out to move and a couple other major expenses. I’m pretty proud of this, given that I know people who make much more than I do who live paycheck-to-paycheck.

    10. LizB*

      I gave myself $40/month of fun money when I was in AmeriCorps. That covered everything from drinks at happy hour to movie tickets to just-because treats for myself. Now that I’m making an actual living wage I have several budget categories for that area (Books, Entertainment, and Dining Out being the big ones), and I tend to put about $50 a month into some combination of those categories depending on what I think I’m going to be doing in the following two weeks. When I get gifts of money or some other unexpected windfall, I try to boost up those categories a bit too.

  38. Detective Amy Santiago*

    It’s not about a slightly dysfunctional family, but I greatly enjoyed Hope Never Dies by Andrew Shaffer.

    Some others I’ve read recently:
    The Good Liar by Catherine McKenzie
    The Sometimes Sisters by Carolyn Brown

    And an old favorite is Magic Hour by Kristin Hannah

  39. Shay the Fae*

    I just had a super rough morning and now I’m going to go cry.
    It all started with a really difficult night, I’ve been finding sleeping more and more upsetting and unpleasant. And the things I do to combat that (meditation, story telling, bribing my dog to snuggle with me) haven’t been helping. So I didn’t get to bed itself until 1:23 am when I’m normally asleep by 10:00 pm. Thought spirals, nightmares, seizures, wasn’t fun.
    And I woke up to one of my dog’s having an accident, so I rushed them both outside. I couldn’t find my usually set of keys so I grabbed a spare.
    Once outside they wouldn’t do their thing right away, so I walked them barefoot around the block. It was slow going, it hurt a lot.
    One of my dogs did his thing and then before I could stop him kicked a BUNCH of dirt and dead leaves on my other dog. And I just bathed her yesterday (or was it the day before?)
    I had to field some questions from strangers who live near by about the dogs (yuck, talking to people).
    Then when I got home my spare keys didn’t work. I’m not even 100% sure why. It’s clear it’s missing the front door key…
    Anyway, I had to knock on the window of the man who’s apartment was right next to the front door. I hate bothering him, he works nights. He let me in. He’s in his PJs, I’m in my PJs, it’s a little party. He loves me dogs, he says hi to them, hi to me, asks me about a dog I was training to be a service dog but who failed. I lied and said my program rehomed him out in the suburbs because he struggled with city life, and explained that most failed dogs continue to live with their trainers or someone in the program.
    My dogs saw a cat, they almost pulled me over trying to go outside again. There was a lot of barking. I was very flustered.
    Nice old man I gave him bread a while back because he has to let me inside more than I would like.
    It was just really trying and exhausting and I don’t even really know why. He’s nice. Why was the chat so upsetting?

    1. WellRed*

      The chat upset you? Maybe this morning you are just overly tired which makes us more sensitive/fragile feeling? And if the sleep issues are ongoing, is that leading you to make less than stellar choices? I mean, you didn’t have to go out without shoes (which hurt), you grabbed keys that don’t even open the door (and it sounds like the front door key isn’t even on them?). And why does the neighbor keep having to let you in? How can you solve that particular problem? Meanwhile, brush the dirt and leaves off the dog.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yeah, I am thinking it’s not so much the chat as the whole story of things not going right.
        Not resting well can really mess with our world-view such that everything becomes stressful or more weighted than we think it should be. You were aware that the man meant no harm by inquiring about your other dog but he did touch a sore point. That would leave most people feeling conflicted, nice of the person to ask but it was an unsettling question and they had no way to know that. So your whole story starts off with difficulties and, yeah, more difficulties are not going to make it easier or better.

        My theory is we can only handle so many things going wrong in a row, then after that something HAS to go right. I would and have done what WellRed says here. I take the parts of the story I can fix and I fix those parts. I go toward the low cost/no cost ideas. Perhaps you have a pair of old sneaks that you can keep by the door just for walking the dogs. Keys are pretty cheap maybe you can fix that key situation, I’d get a couple if that is doable. That way when you come up with ideas you have a couple of keys to implement the ideas with.

        The key story resonates with me. I have put a lot of time into managing my keys here. I build Plans A and B. Then I found that it was annoying trying to find my house key on my key ring with too any keys. So I had a special key made that is different from all the others and I can find it at a glance. This all sounds too mundane or simple yet it worked into something that has been very helpful for me and lowered my frustration with my keys.

        I am sorry about your health concerns. I hope the docs get a handle on that very soon.

  40. Miss Fisher*

    Someone asked me to post about small bible colleges and how they work. I grew up Baptist which is its own kind of animal. I went to a small baptist elementary where you had chapel on fridays, bible classes and typically went to church Sunday morning, Sunday night and Wednesday night. As far as the college, besides just going to learn more about your religion, which I am assuming is a requirement there, it’s sll about controlling your life as well. You sign pledges saying you can’t dance, watch tv, listen to secular music, go to movies, etc. I think it’s really about just making sure you stay pure to their way of thoughts honestly. I am sure there is more to it, but unless you are going into the ministry, I don’t see how going to one of these schools would be very helpful to your career. Everyone I knew who went to this school is a pastor, youth pastor, works in the church or Christian schools only, or married to the pastor etc.

    1. Critter*

      Oh, yeah, the college I went to wasn’t *just* a Bible college, but it may as well have been. We had those same pledges, too. They had a system set up where students who did all the things they were “supposed” to do and didn’t get in much trouble would be set up as “Prayer Captains” or “Assistant Prayer Captains,” and basically granted low-level authority over their other roommates. Oh, yeah, students weren’t allowed to choose roommates, either. And the thing about going in order to train as some kind of pastor or pastor’s wife? 100% true. The joke around campus was that most/all of the women were just there to get their “M-R-S degree.” (Eg, to get married and become a Mrs.)

    2. OyVey*

      Oooooo! I have a story! A lot of stories really but the “Mrs. Degree” comment above is relevant to my particular story.
      The school I went to had a high school division and a college division. At the time I went, the college was not accredited, though that has changed since I graduated. Anyway, we had a piano teacher who taught private piano lessons for high school credit (because you can do that sort of thing in a private school that doesn’t receive government funds) and because I took piano pretty seriously at the time, I took lessons diligiently and practiced a ridiculous number of hours a week. Until my Senior hear, that is. The summer leading into my senior year, I’d gone to State piano competition and done much better than I’d expected. Practiced hard, had big ambitions for my last year of high school eligibility.
      Walked into my first lesson of the year with the books I’d been using for a year or two years at that point. My teacher looked at me, frowned, and said “oh, you won’t need any of that this year.”
      I won’t?
      “You just need to bring your hymnal. You’ll be learning hymns and scales this year so next year [assuming I would move up to the college division] you’ll be ready to take organ lessons with Mr. X”
      But I wasn’t planning to take organ with Mr. X next year. I haven’t even decided if I’m coming back next year!
      “Oh, Mr X wants you as a student. You need to know all your scales though and learn at least 2 hymns a week.”
      But, I don’t want to play organ!
      “But don’t you want to be able to play organ in your husband’s church in a few years?”

      Let that sink in a moment.

      Dear Reader, 10 minutes into my first lesson of the year, I walked out and told the front office to take me off the piano lessons list. I did not marry into that school or church and in fact converted to a different faith before our five year reunion rolled around.

      1. MysteryFan*

        Too True! I went to a Southern Baptist small college (accredited at least) and dated a pre-ministerial major (we called them “preacher boys”)He was a very sweet, smart guy, but I recall so clearly, that when we started talking hesitantly around the future plans stage of the relationship, he said that it would be a problem for me to be a Minister’s wife, because I didn’t play the piano!

    3. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      I went to a similar school, but non-denominational, for my first two years of college. I could mention the most famous alum, who recently died….

    4. Traveling Teacher*

      I contemplated going to a non-denomination Christian college. It was mega-expensive, for one, though, even with the massive scholarship they offered me (15k scholarship based on test scores, with the potential to get a lot more if I confirmed I was going there, but the sheer total cost unnerved me. What if I lost that scholarship???) They were actually pretty laid-back, in spite of the codes you had to commit to–those were lifestyle commitments, but they were pretty basic, not a giant list of dos and don’ts. No real restrictions on movies, music, etc. Many people going there were going with the express desire to become missionaries/go in to mission work, but the place is accredited and has plenty of degree options. Obligatory chapel multiple times per week, of course, plus community volunteering.

      The thing that rubbed me the wrong way, though, were some of the other people on the visit! (I stayed there overnight and participated in the campus life). Seemed to me that a lot of parents/potential students were there out of fear–fear of what a “hotbed of sin” secular college was, rather than going for the community/mission aspect. Plus, I felt uncomfortable with the fact that some of the students were getting shipped there by parents who would “only allow them to go to a Christian school.” Hmmm…

      I’m sure plenty of people enjoy that atmosphere for its own sake, but I decided that I didn’t want to lock myself away in a bubble (that’s what it felt like to me, personally, though it was a perfectly nice bubble). I wanted to live out my faith in the midst of everything, just as I always had during all my prior school years. And, there were plenty of other people who did the same on the campus I chose, of all different faiths, too.

      On a related note, I almost got school-switched to the “non-denominational” Christian school in my area when I was in middle school. It was during the homeschool mania/panic that was gaining ground in the 90s. Thankfully, when my parents and I went to visit, my mom saw their total crap science labs and “curriculum” and said, “No way.” Should be noted here: my parents are both Creationists, but they also believe in real education, thankfully.

      1. Miss Fisher*

        I started out at a small baptist school like I said above. All my friends also went to same church, so it was a small community. I ended up getting moved to a public school in 8th grade due to some money issues. I had been so sheltered, wasn’t allowed to watch tv etc, it was all a huge shock. I had never heard cursing, seen kids smoking, talking about sex etc. I am afraid I was somewhat of a mean person back then telling people they were going to hell etc, but really it’s all I had known at that time. I stayed pretty sheltered until I got to college and I even then in a Christian group realized I was told all kinds of things in church that weren’t necessarily true to even th bible, but what th church wanted you to believe. I actually stopped going to church for a long time until I found a non denominational one that really stresses religion is pant so great it’s your relationship with god to focus on. I wouldn’t have even had th opportunity to really grow and shape my own opinion if I had gone to that small bible school my dad is still disappointed I did not attend. He was so bad about my growth that at the time he had to ask his pastor what was wrong with my new church so he could get me to come back to his church. He was convinced it was some awful cult because they didn’t use the King James Version of the Bible.

  41. Bacon Pancakes*

    I am in Northern California and the Carr Fire is awful. I am about two hours south of Redding so in no danger (although this smoke is doing it’s best) and it is just terrible to see what is happening. If anyone is familiar with the Tubbs Fire last fall in Santa Rosa, Redding has almost been hit that bad.

    1. CAA*

      I’m so sorry for everyone in that area. My nephew, my brother’s ex-wife, and her family live in Redding. Everyone has been evacuated and they’re all safe, but SIL’s sister’s family lost their house and the others are still threatened.

      1. Bacon Pancakes*

        My friend’s sister lost everything.
        The photo of Mercy Hospital with the fire behind it is terrifying.

    2. KR*

      So sorry. I’m about 80 miles away from the Cranston fire and the desert sky is filled with smoke and ash wheras there normally isn’t a cloud to be seen all summer. It’s scary and depressing.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      I keep praying you guys get the rain we are getting here in NY. CA needs it much more than we do.

      1. MamaCat*

        Sadly, in July it probably isn’t happening. We’re supposed to cool down to the mid-90s this week, so hopefully that helps things up north. South Sacramento here with lots of smoke filtering the air.

      2. Bacon Pancakes*

        Sadly, in this area if we get rain in July it is in the form of thundershowers which brings a lot of dry strikes and little moisture. Bad news.

    4. neverjaunty*

      It’s probably going to be nearly as bad as The Tubbs Fire by the time it’s done. They’re cutting a firebreak today, so hopefully that will help contain it.

      1. Friday*

        Yeah it’s definitely looking as bad. Hopefully people heed the evac warnings and get out of danger. It’s so smokey here in Sonoma county right now.

    5. Free Meerkats*

      I’ve been watching the fires and CALTrans site. In two weeks in making the drive down I5 and the alternate routes really add time. Here’s hoping things get better.

    6. Woodswoman*

      It feels like our whole freaking state is lighting up and it’s horrendous, with new fires announced today. While I’m personally safe in the San Francisco Bay Area, it is heartbreaking for so many, a tragedy for all who have lost loved ones and their homes.

  42. Marthooh*

    Book recommendation: Mary B. by Katherine J. Chen. Literary fiction, mildly dysfunctional family, cringe-out-loud funny. Pride and Prejudice as retold by Mary Bennet. I think it may have been recommended to me by someone here.

  43. George*

    Anyone have any tips for spending extended period of time with one’s in-laws? I’m fine for two to three hours but struggle with all day events and vacations.

    1. The Other Dawn*

      I don’t typically spend that much time with my in-laws since they’re in-state, so if we get together it’s usually dinner out or something like that. But when I visit other people for a longer period of time I plan alone time for myself. I’m an introvert and need time to recharge. I’ll just take a walk, or go lay down in another room for a half hour and use that time to read (I read on my phone). You could volunteer to go to the store if anyone needs anything, or say YOU need something at the store and will be right back. If it’s a vacation, plan longer periods of time for yourself. When vacationing with my cousin last year, I would grab some tea and go out for a walk around the hotel property in the morning and afternoon just so I could be by myself for a bit.

    2. the gold digger*

      I took a handful of xanax with me the last time I had to stay with Primo’s mom and dad.

      I also tried to pretend I was an anthropologist in the field observing an alien species. I took a lot of notes.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      When we got together people took turns disappearing into books or taking naps.

      You know, though, I have done similar with family that I get along very well with. We’d watch tv together or find an movie we all agreed on. Sometimes getting out of the house and moving around lightens things up, so we’d go for ice cream or play mini-golf.

    4. epi*

      Make sure you even have to.

      There’s nothing wrong with splitting off for a walk or an errand or a separate day trip. Often in big groups like this, someone else will be relieved you suggested it even if they weren’t going to bring it up themselves. If you need a break, just take one. It would be deeply weird for people not to get it.

      Get your own space if you can, also. Get a hotel room and commit to going back to it in time to read in bed or something for a little bit and just enjoy being alone. Have your own transportation.

      Hopefully it goes without saying but if there is something specific about your in-laws that stresses you out, maybe your spouse shouldn’t expect you to go. Step down the involvement gradually until the visits feel good to you (whether it’s personal or just needing more space in general).

    5. Beatrice*

      Bring a book. Bring several, on a vacation.

      Have someone who is not your spouse who you can touch base with at least once a day – at a minimum, it lets you have a conversation with someone who is not an in-law. If your in-laws are banana crackers, it gives you someone who vent to about the crazy thing that just happened, so you can keep it together in front of your in-laws. In my experience, it’s easier on your marriage if this person is not your spouse. I have two friends and a sister – if my sister in law says something outrageous, I can usually raise one of them for an impromptu “omgggg” conversation.

      Do your own thing sometimes. For me, this looks like developing a reputation with my in-laws for just quietly slipping out for a walk by myself sometimes. I do it even when I don’t desperately need to, just to continue to establish it as a routine and unremarkable thing, so it passes without notice when I do desperately need it.

      Have strategies ready for taking breaks and getting out of conversations. I get up and help clear the table, go help with the dishes, leave things in my car that I might need to leave the house to retrieve, suddenly develop a need to take a completely unnecessary bathroom break, or just hear someone calling my name from another room.

      Make friends with another in-law, if you can. I have a brother-in-law who has not drunk the family kool-aid and occasionally looks absolutely miserable at family functions. Sometimes I snag him for a conversation. Sometimes I give him conspiratorial “WTF” looks over the dinner table when something dysfunctional happens that passes for normal in this family. We bail each other out if one of us gets cornered by the weird uncle.

      If you drink, and you’re a happy drunk, have a few. I save this one for get-togethers where nothing else is working.

    6. StudentAffairsProfessional*

      Ohhh, I can help with this. I have been living with my father in law for the past two months. He can be difficult to get along with and we have wildly different political views. And over the past year we have seen a LOT of my husband’s family due to a relative being sick then passing away so I had lots of practice with long family gatherings as well. Here are my tactics:

      1) Have a neutral and non-committal response for bizarre suggestions about your life. Ex “That’s interesting” “That’s a new way to look at it” “I’ll keep that in mind” “I hadn’t thought of that before” “Thanks for thinking of us” “Thanks for the suggestion” “That’s one way to think about it” etc.

      2) Have fresh and neutral conversation topics or questions at the ready for when things take a turn south and might be getting heated. The weather, a local event that is coming up, a new movie that is coming out that you are looking forward to seeing, a cute story about your dog, etc. I literally will just start a new conversation if things are getting weird and say something out of left field like “Peaches are just the best this time of year! My mom always made a great peach cobbler. Do you have any good peach recipes?” I also like to ask “Does anyone have any travel plans for (next season)?” and “What holiday are you looking forward to most?”

      3) Find a job or some way to busy yourself during down time when you otherwise are all just sitting around talking. I tend to do this in the kitchen. If I’m at a relative’s house I will offer to help with setting the table, dishes, cooking, sweep up, etc.

      4) Bring a game, puzzle or cards. This is what we did on Thanksgiving Day to pass the time while we waited for all the food to be ready at my husband’s Aunt’s house. You don’t have to be making personal conversation during a lot of these activities. We all played some sort of a family game like Telestrations or something after dinner that was pleasant enough and passed the time.

      5) If you’re on a vacation, take time for yourself every day. Each afternoon go take a walk or a nap by yourself to recharge. Drive to a Starbucks or offer to run an errand to the grocery store or something.

      6) Have a code word or emergency signal with partner when you are getting overwhelmed and let them help you escape. You could tug on your ear or something and then they can help you gracefully exit to take a break.

      7) Graceful conversation exiting: “My drink needs refreshing, excuse me.” “I’m need to excuse myself to the restroom” “I’m going to see if Aunt Miriam needs help in the kitchen” “I need to make a phone call for work”

      8) Have some stories that you’ve already got in the back of your head that you can share when you are asked “what’s new with you”. Something funny that your dog did, a house project you’re working on, something on the horizon at work, whatever. If you’ve thought of a few stories in advance you won’t feel panicked when you are put on the spot.

      9) Think of it as a gift you’re giving your partner. I am giving my partner the gift of being a lovely, pleasant and easy-to-get-along-with guest during this family gathering. I may not enjoy time with my partner’s family, but I love my partner and want to give him this gift.

  44. Indie*

    Calling those with serious food allergies! Or if your loved ones suffer. Your advice would be gratefully received.

    I keep seeing, in this space amongst others, a message along the lines of ‘I hate it when people have faddy food preferences about gluten/sea food/common allergen’ People have started to claim it is affecting how seriously people in the service industry take life-threatening allergies.

    So….I don’t eat wheat and I want to avoid being one of these people. I don’t have a formal diagnosis (just medical guidance) and it’s not life threatening. I have an intolerance that ranges from mild to severe depending upon how many meals/days I eat wheat. One meal does not have much effect, but I avoid eating it anyway as even just one burger bun can make for uncomfortable digestion. If I eat wheat for a few days I get a skin reaction. If I eat it full time I’m in great pain most of the time.

    So…I am a confusing customer. I don’t have to worry about cross contamination. I might want a starter from the non GF menu. I might want fries that have been cooked next to breaded things. If a sauce has a small amount of flour and ordering something has so far proved impossible I might sigh and say ‘fine’. I’m extremely lucky that it’s mild and I don’t want to forget the severely affected.

    So far I have made a point of saying ‘I am not severely allergic like SOME PEOPLE ARE’ but is this enough?

    1. Ali G*

      Are you pretty good at discerning what you can and can’t eat? I have a similar situation with lactose. I can’t eat cream sauce, but pizza or a cheeseburger won’t bother me. I can typically read a menu and know what I can’t eat, and if I need to I just ask questions to make sure.
      I guess what I am trying to say is, do you have to disclose your issue at all if you can pretty much manage it on your own?

      1. Indie*

        Yeah, I can totally do that sometimes; like if I’m going to a slightly nicer restaurant I’ll probably order a risotto, tomato based dish, stir fry or a slab of protein with veggies on the side. Even something like an Indian restaurant is easy; I just skip the naan.

        I think the problem comes in because I actually live a distance away from ‘nice places in the city’ and my partner and I are fond of grabbing a quick burger or pizza from Soulless Chain Place. If you’re going to order such items you have to order the GF bun (without a bun, it is not a burger) or pizza base. But they don’t seem to consider that GF people will want starters, or fries, or desserts and they get scared about cross contamination if you ask them. But those are all things I can get by with eating.

        1. Ali G*

          Oh I get it. Ordering the GF option opens the can of worms! I agree with Toots below on the phrasing. I think that would be helpful and put their minds at ease a bit, and make it easier on you too.

    2. TootsNYC*

      Yes, I think it’s enough. Honestly, though, I think you’re worrying too much.

      As someone who has celiac sprue, I find those criticisms of supposedly “faddish” food preferences infuriating. I mean, jeez, my MIL gets indigestion when she eats peppers, and nobody insists that she’s an awful person for trying to avoid them!

      Why do other people care so much about what other people don’t want to eat?

      I would say your phrasing is fine, or you could say, “Too much wheat doesn’t agree with me, so I really try to avoid it. Can you answer this question for me about this food?” (“doesn’t agree with me” is my MIL’s phrase of choice)

      Frankly, I think people like you actually RAISE awareness about people like me, so if you want to keep mentioning those of us w/ serious, hair-trigger reactions, that’s OK too.

      1. Indie*

        This makes me feel loads better! I like the ‘doesnt agree with me’ phrasing.

        I rolled my eyes the first time I heard it; but it’s been so persistent a complaint and it IS a serious matter.

        I think I’m extra sensitive because I started off with an ultra-faddy exclude-everything ‘clean’ diet until I found out what the culprit was by reintroducing foods. I was desperate and I didn’t even think diet could help, but it was months before my NHS appointment. Now, my doctor s thrilled that it’s being managed by something as side effect free as diet but before I saw him I felt like a bit of a desperado, especially with all the sneering you see about such diets.

      2. neverjaunty*

        Also, most of those criticisms are really less about the food issues themselves than about how many people handling them. Being polite but firm about whether something has wheat is waaaay different than loudly grilling the waitstaff and explaining to everyone in earshot why X food is sooo unhealthy and everyone should give it up.

        2. Hellanon*

          Yep. I generally just explain to people that “I love Food X but it doesn’t love me back” & remain firm. But my issues are not life-threatening; if they were, as a friend’s are, I certainly wouldn’t trust restaurants or party hosts to see to my need to avoid a deadly allergen.

      3. Observer*

        I agree. And in my experience, it’s just not true. Sure, you do get the occasional person who uses the “fad” as a “proof” that any given person is “just making it up” or the like. But when you dig deeper you inevitably find that it’s really someone who is using this “evidence” to bolster the idea they already have.

        People who “don’t believe in” allergies, food sensitivities etc. are not new. And they have always posed a risk to people with severe reactions.

    3. Chameleon*

      I think that ordering from the GF menu and mentioning to the waitstaff that it is mild and cross-contamination is not a concern wouldn’t cause a raised eyebrow. I think what mostly bothers waitstaff is when someone grills them on what does or does not have an allergen, then turns around and orders something full of that allergen despite being told that it contains that allergen. (e.g. taking 10 minutes to make sure that there aren’t any peppers in the sauce, then ordering the jalapeno nachos).

      I learned my lesson about telling waitstaff that I didn’t care about cross-contamination when I ordered a veggie burger at a counter-type grill once. My friends all got their food and had finished eating before mine was ready. When I asked why it took so long, they replied that they had to start up the other grill and it took a long time to heat, to avoid contaminating my burger with meat. Reader, I am not a vegetarian, I just wanted a veggie burger because they are tasty.

      1. Indie*

        Egads, the clean grill thing! Exactly the thing I want to avoid; scolding them for being considerate.

      2. Chameleon*

        I tried not to scold them, but I am sure the frustration in my voice seeped through when I told them I wasn’t vegetarian. I didn’t blame them but I wish they would have asked or at least let me know about the delay.

    4. many bells down*

      It’s not that weird, really. My whole family has celiac (it missed me, somehow!), as does my husband and son. My dad couldn’t handle any cross-contamination, and nor can the older of my brothers, but my sister can occasionally eat something with flour in it (like soy sauce) and be ok. My husband gets a skin reaction as well; dermatitis herpetiformis, but that will happen days after he’s eaten something bad so we usually don’t know what it was that set him off.

      So even with actual, diagnosed celiac disease people can be differently sensitive.

      1. Indie*

        Oh yes me too, the two-days later thing! So, no, I did not ‘get off scot free’ when I woke up in the middle of the night and ate (or to eat) a cold chicken pasty at 3am. So that’s a not good idea.

    5. TL -*

      You don’t need to explain your modifications to your order. Your server really isn’t going to care and you’re not going to be the weirdest person they’ve dealt with that day.
      The only reason to explain is if they need to take extra precautions in the kitchen, which they don’t for you.
      That being said, if you’re ordering from a place with a dedicated gluten free menu, I’d suggest sticking to the gluten free menu while you’re there. Or you can say gluten free is a preference, not an allergy.
      I have a wheat allergy but not a gluten intolerance so I can drink some beers. I don’t drink beers at bars/restaurants unless I’m not ordering any food; I get ciders instead. Servers are not always that well trained and “I’m allergic to wheat not gluten” is not a conversation that’s always easily understood in the middle of dinner service when they’ve got 6 tables to serve.

    6. StrikingFalcon*

      My advice:

      (a) Don’t say you’re deathly allergic when you’re not.

      (b) Don’t preach the wonders of your diet to everyone as if your way of eating is the One True Way.

      (c) Don’t try to convince other people with different health problems that eating gluten-free will cure their ills.

      (d) Don’t tell people your whole health journey in conversations where that is inappropriate/TMI/off topic.

      As long as you don’t do those things, ask for what you need without guilt, and enjoy your symptom-free diet. The complaints I’ve seen are generally about people who claim they have a life-threatening allergy when they just don’t like the taste of raw tomatoes, but then go and order ketchup, or about people who are obnoxious about their diet fads. There’s nothing wrong with people with legitimate health needs or even just taste preferences asking about ingredients in a dish, and I’m of the opinion that anyone who says otherwise is being obnoxious themselves. I actually know a couple people with diagnosed gluten intolerance/celiacs who are thrilled it got so trendy because there’s just so many more options available now!

      For wording, you can say something like:
      “Does this have gluten in it?”
      “No.”
      “Okay thanks. I have a mild allergy/it doesn’t agree with me/I’m trying to avoid it, so I can’t eat it/can only have a little but you don’t need to worry about cross-contamination.”

      Just tell the waiter what they need to know (do they need to check the ingredients of this dish? do they need to go tell the cook to clean their prep station?) and don’t sweat it.

      1. Chameleon*

        “people who claim they have a life-threatening allergy when they just don’t like the taste of raw tomatoes”

        As one of those people who hate the taste of raw tomatoes, this one totally mystifies me. Like, I have never had an issue with asking for no tomatoes just because I don’t like them? Why on earth would you need to lie about being allergic?

        1. Anonymosity*

          This.
          After a year of warfarin therapy, I developed a mysterious intolerance to broccoli (sucks, because I like it). Sadly, it’s in damn near every vegetable everything. All I do is ask if a dish contains broccoli, or ask if they can leave it out. If not, I just don’t order it. If they assume I don’t like it, that’s fine.

    7. Anonerson*

      I describe my mild allergies as food sensitivities to waitstaff, which seems to work pretty well. I usually say something like, “I’m not allergic to x/y/z, but I do have a mild sensitivity. Could you check if x/x/z is one of the ingredients? Cross-contamination isn’t a concern for me.” I’ve never had anyone bat an eye at this – I think there’s more recognition now that food issues exist on a spectrum, from “I don’t want to eat this because it tastes bad” to “I don’t want to eat this because I will die if I do.” I think as long as you’re upfront about where on the spectrum you fall, people will be willing to work with you to find something you can eat.

      As to people on restrictive but not allergy-related diets negatively impacting those with severe allergies – yes, that’s a valid complaint when people are claiming allergies they don’t actually have, but that’s an argument to be clear about your food restrictions, not to avoid having any restrictions on the first place. Saying that you’re on a diet that doesn’t allow rutabaga and asking for recommendations is perfectly valid and doesn’t harm anyone.

      1. Thursday Next*

        I use “sensitivity” when referring to my food issues, too. Certain foods won’t send me into anaphylaxis, but will cause gastric distress or aggravate inflammation, sometimes after a lag of a day or so. I won’t need to go to the ER, but I’ll have pain and discomfort. It’s part of that spectrum you mention, that people are beginning to recognize.

    8. Kuododi*

      I agree it should be however humans being what they are …. screwups happen!!! I’ve mentioned before I can’t eat onions or tomatoes because of long term gastroparersis. I doubt my problem falls under the heading of an official”allergy.” No EpiPen needed, no respiratory problems etc. I just make sure and tell family or friends my dietary quirks, eat around anything with onions or tomatoes made in error, and when we’re in a restaurant, order my food without the known offenders.

  45. Ali G*

    I have to make a pasta salad for a get together. Anyone have a go to recipe? Prefer something lighter – not mayo based. TIA!

    2. The Other Dawn*

      My pasta salad consists of: whatever shape pasta I feel like using (usually rotini), pepperoni, feta cheese, onions, and Italian dressing. My sister does: rotini pasta, chunks of salami, cubed cheddar cheese, onions, cherry tomatoes, cucumbers and Italian dressing.

    3. TootsNYC*

      I make a basic balsamic vinaigrette and marinate cubes of mozzarella cheese in it (they end up looking like tofu), then toss that with the pasta, sliced scallions, lots of matchstick-size peppers in 3 colors, grated romano/parmesan.

    4. nep*

      No recipes, but I really like adding lightly steamed and chopped up broccoli to any such salad–just makes for a really delicious touch.

    5. Green Kangaroo*

      Here’s my go-to:
      1 package fresh baby spinach, washed and any woody stems removed (6 cups or so)
      16 oz. pasta; I prefer penne
      1/2 cup or so of toasted pine nuts
      1 cup shredded Parmesan or similar hard cheese

      Dressing:
      juice of one large lemon
      good olive oil; add to lemon juice to make 2/3 cup
      1/2 tsp. salt or to taste
      few grinds of the peppermill
      2 cloves garlic, minced
      Some lemon zest, if you’re feeling it

      Place spinach in large bowl. Cook pasta to directions, drain and immediately dump over spinach; cover bowl and set aside to let heat of pasta wilt the spinach; about 15-20 minutes or so. Combine dressing ingredients and pour over, toss to combine. Add cheese and pine nuts, toss and chill, or serve at room temperature. The flavors intensify over time; grilled chicken is also a nice addition.

    7. Damn it, Hardison!*

      Pesto is my favorite dressing for pasta salad. Mine is usually pretty simple – pasta, halved cherry tomatoes, small balls of mozzarella or any kind of Italian cheese, raw red bell peppers (or roasted red), sometimes some sun dried tomatoes (chopped fine) and toasted pine nuts.

    8. Chaordic One*

      The lazy thing to do is buy a “Suddenly Salad” mix.

      Then if you’re up to it, throw in something like a can of tuna or chicken or whatever leftover vegetables you have in the fridge (broccoli, cauliflower, asparagus, carots, celery, cucumbers). Or maybe some small cans of vegetables (olives, artichokes, pickles, cooked beans).

    10. Pieismyreligion*

      Is couscous considered a pasta? Then this is fabulous: “Salat Tangiers” from Moosewood
      *1.5 c dry couscous, 1/2 t salt, 1 1/4 cups boiling water
      *1 c diced carrots, 1 large pepper, diced, 1 c cut green or wax beans
      *1/3 c finely chopped sliced red onions, 1/3 c currants, 1/2 c almonds, toasted and chopped
      Marinade: *1/3 cup oil *4 T lemon juice *1/2 t salt, or more to taste* 1/4 t cinnamon *3 T orange juice *4 T chopped fresh parsley *pinch of cayenne
      Put the couscous and salt in a large bowl, stir in the boiling water. Cover and let sit 10-15 minutes, stirring occasionally to fluff.
      Meanwhile, steam the carrots, green peppers, and beans separately. As soon as each vegetable is barely tender add it to the couscous. Stir in the red onion, currants and almonds.
      Whisk together the marinade. Toss with the couscous and vegetables with marinade. Chill at least an hour.

    11. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

      My family LOVES this one – I usually double it. We have it one night for dinner, then everyone eats it for lunch for a few days.
      I cut back on the cucumber and add more tomato. I get the tortellini in the refrigerator section – it costs more but the flavor & texture is better than the dried.
      We prefer the mini heritage tomatoes from TJ’s.
      https://www.lecremedelacrumb.com/greek-tortellini-pasta-salad/

      SO GOOD! Sigh, I haven’t made it since the wheat allergy diagnosis. :-(

  46. Epsilon Delta*

    What’s your best cleaning or organizing tip? And does anyone have tips for line drying jeans or towels so that they are soft? I line dry everything else and it turns out fine but I can’t figure out how to dry those things without them turning out stiff as a board (even on a line outside).

    My favorite tip is using a binder to keep track of all the instruction manuals and warranties for stuff we buy. I have a giant binder that they use at craft stores to organize sewing patterns (probably four or five inches thick and extra long too) and I use clear plastic sheet protectors to hold each instruction set. The sheet protectors are especially nice if there are multiple instruction sets for one item or if it has something like a key or special tool for opening it because it stays all together.

    PS – thank you to the person who shared the Housewife How To’s blog last week. I am excited to clean the garbage disposal correctly!

    1. The Other Dawn*

      Oh, a binder is a great idea! I find that I try to keep all those manuals in one drawer, but it’s overloaded with other stuff and they’re just all over the place. Although, I’ve started to actually toss manuals since they can be found online 99% of the time.

      1. heckofabecca*

        I have a shelf in my kitchen, and I have all the manuals in between the cookbooks :) A binder is an AMAZING idea! I might have to do that, once I get my hands on some clear plastic…

    2. Nicole76*

      I have an entire box of manuals! I wish I could fit them all into a binder. I do use a binder to keep my medical history in order however. I also use one for all my go-to recipes. Keeping them in those plastic protectors is a great way to keep food splatters from ruining the paper (I’m a messy cook, just ask my husband). :D

    3. The Cosmic Avenger*

      I actually search online for the manual for every new item we buy, and when (not if, at least not for the past 10 years) I find it, I recycle the paper manual and save the PDF in a “Manuals” folder in my Dropbox! I also have started downloading all my bank statements and saving them on a secure drive.

      I do find binders great for CDs! I ripped all the CDs I have to a media server, and then put them all in a CD/DVD binder I found at The Container Store, and then put the empty cases in a box in the garage. I’ll probably recycle the cases eventually, but I have dozens of discs, not many hundreds. (Probably upper double digits.)

    4. TootsNYC*

      I do the exact opposite with instructions manuals. I throw them all in one box. (actually, I use plastic document cases because I can stand them up in a row on my shelf).

      I so seldom need them,a nd if I do, it’s not that hard to go through the stack.

      There’s an organizing maxim: make it easy to put away, even if it’s a little harder to get it out.
      That’s because when we need or want something, we usually have more energy. Once we’re done with something, our motivation is down, and if putting things back in their proper place is hard, it’s more likely that we’ll leave them out.
      I think the true application of this rule is: whichever part of a task is hard for YOU to do, set it up so that’s the easy part.

      Here’s one of my other rules: label the part you see.

      My DD had al her books in her backpack; I wrote the subject on the edges of her identical notebooks, so when she went to pull them out, she could see which was which. I wanted to label the edges of her texts, but I was chicken. We had wrapped them in brown paper, so I took a marker to the edges of those, either with a color, or with a certain stripe patterns.

      I have cleaning supplies on shelf, so some are in the back, and even though I set them on those “risers” or stepped shelves for canned goods, you cannot see what they are because the ones in front block the labels behind them. Sometimes you can tell by the color or shape, but not always (and I might forget I have mildew remover).
      So I took a sharpie and I wrote the name on the top of the squirt head, or on the shoulder of the bottle.

      I did the same thing to the spices–I wrote on the sides of the lid, because that’s the part I can see; I also wrote on the top, because sometimes they’re stacked (I keep mine in a box), and I can just lift off the top layer; I don’t ALSO have to take the bottom bottle out of the box to see what’s written on the side.

    5. Ali G*

      For the air drying thing – what we do is air dry it on a rack and then toss it in the dryer and tumble it on low for ~10 mins. Fluffs it right up! Just make sure it’s completely dry before putting it in.
      We use large Ziploc bags in the same way you use the sheet protectors. We have one with all the special tools, extra pieces, and instructions for anything we put together, in a box in the basement.

      1. Reba*

        I also have found that some tumbling is necessary for soft towels. I do them on low or no heat for 10-20 minutes before hanging them. We have a front loading washer so it does spin a LOT of moisture out, which helps.

        For jeans and cotton pants that would wrinkle, I usually dry a little longer before hanging up because I want them to shrink up a bit.

    6. TootsNYC*

      I keep the paper manual, and I staple the receipt to the inside of the front cover in case in need it for warranty stuff. But I do rip off the parts that are written in other languages.

    7. wingmaster*

      I’m not answering your question, but I wanted to ask if you have a sewing room/studio? Since you mentioned about organizing sewing patterns (I also keep some of them in binders. The rest are hung together). I’ve been trying to find ways to organize all the fabric and swatches I have…

      1. The New Wanderer*

        I can recommend how NOT to store fabric. I have giant bins of fabric roughly organized by type (fleece and flannel in one, cotton in another, knit and jersey, special material). So I know what bin to look in for what kind of fabric, but since I’m limited on space, the bins are stacked. Every time I want a fabric, I have to lug bins around, find a fabric, and then replace all the bins. And it’s always in the bottom bin. Always.

        What I need is a wall of cubbies to separate all the fabric and make it visible and easily accessible, but the walls are already spoken for…

        1. wingmaster*

          That’s what I need too…just a whole wall with shelves and cubbies dedicated to fabric. My job is to actually source fabric, so I’m trying to find ways to organize my department’s fabric. But I just don’t have room in my office to do so…so I just have a bunch of headers/swatches/fabric squeezed into my filing cabinet…

      2. Epsilon Delta*

        I don’t have a sewing room sadly. I have a corner in my office where I keep the sewing supplies (fabric and projects are in plastic crates) but there isn’t enough room for a dedicated sewing area. One day, probably after kids are moved out, I will take over one of the spare bedrooms for my sewing supplies!

    8. Indie*

      My mother swears that you have to ‘beat’ stiffened clothes into softness. She used to thwack them against a chair or a banister. My aunt was using softner on terry-towel nappies and it was giving my cousin a skin reaction. So my mum gave her a demonstration! Rubbing the fabric together works too. Vinegar in the rinse can also soften clothes.

      1. Natalie*

        Even without a skin reaction, fabric softener isn’t good on towels. It leaves a little coating on fibers so it the towels are much absorbent.

    9. Chaordic One*

      The only problem is that I still have manuals to appliances that broke and were thrown out ages ago. (I really need to go through and throw away some of these manuals.)

    10. D.W.*

      Binder is a really great idea! I, too, just stuff them in a drawer, which is now too full.

    11. Trixie*

      I use a binder for my cat’s vet records. I move often enough it’s easier to bring in his records whenever he has a new vet. Saves them so much time, having instant access to lab results, meds, etc.

    12. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      Stiff jeans or towels might be due to over-soaping. Test: Dunk them in a bucket of water, even after you rinse them, and if there are still suds… you may be using too much soap. I measure my soap (and adjust by how dirty things are, full the load is, etc), use fabric softener, and use the double rinse setting as well. (DH has very sensitive skin and breaks out with exposure to laundry soap). I do lightly tumble the towels after they are dry (air fluff). But my jeans are never stiff and I line dry them (and everything else in my wardrobe with any elastic, lycra or spandex).

    13. Traveling Teacher*

      Best cleaning tip: “Don’t break the chain”, especially as applies to laundry. I try to do one load of laundry every single day and put a check on the mini calendar that I’ve taped next to the washer to keep track. I add colored checks if I do extra loads. Just seeing how many days I’ve done it makes me want to keep going. It works for any dreaded task, though. At the end of every month, I do an empty load hottest water wash, too. (as recommended in the manual. Keeps mold away!)

      I also clean the dishwasher filter and gasket after every wash (daily), so there’s never a ton of buildup, just a few bits here and there that haven’t had time to get disgusting. Since it’s still warm, anything just comes right off with a damp cloth and regular dishsoap. My filter’s very easy to remove/re-insert, though. I’m convinced that this one extra minute keeps the dishes cleaner every time and saves me a lot of labor at the end of the month.

      For unstiffening heavy clothes: if you have hard water, use Calgon or off-brand water softener. Costs a little money, but it also reduces greatly the amount of detergent you need! Bonus, it will clean limescale gradually (or prevent it) in your machine. On the cheap: put white vinegar (1/2C to 1 C) in the fabric softener dispenser. I also got a hard water testing kit for free when I bought my dishwasher, which was very helpful in getting detergent dosages right for the washer, too.

      To unstiffen my stuff, I invested in thin towels, and I give them a few cracks before folding. They’re never quite as soft, but I think it’s worth it for the fresh, outside smell! For guest towels, I stick them in the dryer for 5 mins on the day they arrive to unstiffen completely.

      Also, never, ever use fabric softener or dryer sheets. It will not do a thing and, worse, will contribute to a waxy buildup that will make your towels less absorbent and stinky over time from mold growth! Yuck! My friend in middle school did her science experiment on this, and it was legit horrifying…

    14. Anonymosity*

      I air dry t-shirts, jeans, and my pj pants to keep them from shrinking–but first, they get a short round in the dryer with a dryer sheet while they’re with the load of clothes. Then I take out the things I want to hang and dry the rest with the machine. It works fine and I don’t have to wear what we used to call “brick jeans.”

      Running them through once also means they’re not dripping when I hang them, so they don’t make a mess or take forever to dry. I have a tripod hanger thing set up in the back bedroom, and a thing that hangs from the shower rod for sweaters and other items I have to dry flat.

      I have a file for manuals, but a binder with sheet protectors is a great idea! Every so often, I go through the file to chuck manuals for items I no longer have. The binder would make that so much easier (and neater–I have tons of tabs and could organize by category–appliances, furniture, etc.). Stealing this!

      1. Anonymosity*

        Augh, just read Traveling Teacher’s post and you can omit the dryer sheets…running them through a short cycle will at least keep them from dripping everywhere.

  47. Nicole76*

    Why is finding new glasses so difficult all of a sudden???

    Finding new frames has been such a pita. First off, I went to all the typical chains and they were not helpful picking frames for my small face. I was left to my own devices so I picked two pair (BOGO offer) from Visionworks. They ended up being too small (I went with children’s frames) for me so I returned them for a full refund. (I later learned they might have fit with some adjustments but those people were less than helpful and expected me to know how to adjust them myself).

    I went to an optical shop and met a lovely woman who helped me pick a pair of frames I normally wouldn’t have (due to the larger size) but I really grew to like the style. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to adapt to them despite many repeated trips for adjustments because they were just physically too heavy for my face.

    Since I had already tried all the frames in her shop, she actually got a rep to bring in frames they don’t carry but can order and I found an extremely light titanium pair that I thought looked ok so I ordered those. I also paid extra for them to make the lenses as thin as possible.

    I’m having trouble with them now too. 1) They are bigger and hide my eyebrows which I think looks weird 2) The sticky like feel of the nose pads which are silicone are bugging me and 3) Unless I’m looking straight through the lenses everything gets blurry. I don’t have that issue with my current pair of glasses (actually obtained from Visionworks seven years ago) so I don’t understand what is going on.

    Just thinking about putting the new pair back on is giving me anxiety! I’ve dumped so much time (and money) on the effort to find new glasses and I’m feeling very frustrated and emotional. I want to just go back to my old frames which is not practical because they’re seven years old (prescription is outdated but surprisingly not too different) and the frames have seen better days. Plus I know they aren’t the most flattering on my face but at least they “fit” and I’m not constantly thinking about them while wearing them! Which is funny because technically they aren’t the correct size (the temples are too long but I bent them to make it work). Even though I’ve had these glasses for seven years I’ve only been wearing them for about a year and a half because I used to wear contacts during the day but my eyes have gotten really dry lately and it’s too uncomfortable to wear contacts for longer than a few hours. It sucks because I’d much rather just wear contacts during the day.

    Logically I know I need to find new glasses but I’m finding it SO difficult to do so and feel like giving up. I’d feel guilty demanding a refund though if I could even get one. The shop spent money making those lenses and didn’t charge me for the first ones that didn’t work out as it is.

    I never had this trouble in the past and I’ve been wearing glasses for over thirty years! It’s like the current trend is fashion over comfort and I’m at my wits end and don’t know what to do. Based on my interactions at the optical shop I’m not the only one in this boat – other woman have told me they are having such a hard time finding suitable glasses when in the past it was so easy. What is going on???

    1. Really*

      Progressive lens will blur at the sides more than regular lenses. And a small change in strength can make a bigger change then you expect. Also size of the lenses. I always have my eyebrows covered by the frame. Not weird just something you might need to adjust to. While your old glasses are 7 yrs old have you asked if they still make them? And unfortunately frames are now more fashion dependent. I have noticed that size regularly changes. I can’t get the larger sizes anymore. Have you tried frameless?

      1. Nicole76*

        I don’t wear progressive lenses but I did opt for the thinnest glass available so I wonder if that’s the reason for the blurriness?

        I did ask about my old frames and was told they aren’t available and the trend now is oversized. Except for my small head oversized is way too large. Regular size is already oversized for me, LOL!

        I didn’t care for the frameless style; they didn’t look good on me.

        1. Gatomon*

          I think this is a side-effect of the high index lenses. Mine definitely are not sharp around the edges and my peripheral vision has gotten worse as my prescription has increased.

    2. LCL*

      I have had the most success buying frames and lenses from the business that also employees eye doctors. They have always had someone in their employ who knows what they are doing in regards to dispensing. Downside is they never have the selection of the chains-I will be doing mail order or chain for my next sunglasses, because I want a specific brand my regular place doesn’t sell. I’m not looking forward to the experience.

      1. Nicole76*

        Yes, the place I went to is attached to a huge facility of eye doctors, surgeons, etc. They can be a little pricier I’ve noticed, but they do give great care and despite how many times I’ve been back in with my issues my optician has always been very patient and kind.

    3. Indie*

      Because you don’t buy them often (no practice) but wear them constantly (high pressure).

      So, this may be the sum of my (highly individualized) glasses knowledge:
      1) Nose pieces suck. They get gummy and they fall off and they pinch and they are hard to size. I greatly prefer solid noses like these which are part of the frame: https://www.boots.com/opticians/glasses/opticians-glasses-womens/radley-rdo-15504-womens-glasses-blue
      2) If you have a small head (like my mother) start in the children’s department. Often you won’t bother the adults section. My niece’s glasses are identical to mine and cost a fraction.
      3) Start shopping for glasses eons before you need to. Make a habit of trying them on randomly whenever you’re at a loose end. You’ll keep up with the fashions and it prevents the ‘everything looks weird’ phenomenon.
      4) Brow-glasses can be a replacement for eye makeup and give you power brows with zero effort.
      5) In contradiction to 3, never apologize for loving old frames. Have the lenses replaced and the bits fixed and you’re tickety boo.
      6) Buy two pairs ALWAYS. Spares are priceless and it prevents broken glasses panic-buying.
      7) Money spent on wrong frames can be guilt-free offered to the gods of education. The practice pays off.
      8) Guilt is not as important as a store’s refund policy. If it’s in their policy, it’s probably fine with them
      9) A helpful shop assistant is priceless. Woo her with bribes.

      1. Nicole76*

        Thanks for the tips.

        I used to feel that way about nose pads but the glasses I’ve purchased in the last 10-15 years have had them and I haven’t had any issues until now. I tried some glasses without the pads and they touched so much of my nose they felt itchy and uncomfortable.

        Whenever I buy new frames I have held onto my old ones just in case of an emergency. I’ve yet to break a pair, but you never know!

        If my old frames weren’t past their life span I would absolutely have gotten new lenses instead of looking for a new frame.

        I already told my husband that the next time I’m shopping for frames I’m going to just buy the frame I’m interested in and wear them with my contacts for a week before deciding to get lenses for them. That way I can return them guilt-free for a full refund.

        According to the store’s policy they cannot offer refunds on the lenses, so I’d be out about $300. I think the only reason they did on my first pair is a) the assistant convinced me to try them out and b) they knew they’d get my business on the replacement pair.

        I do love the assistant and we get along great. I’m just frustrated with this whole process. It’s been nothing but disappointment for me.

        2. CorruptedbyCoffee*

          I also have this problem. My old glasses were petites, and Ihave a very small head. I went to get newglasses and everything I tried on was huge! The large, circular and cat eye glasses made me look big eyed too. I ended up ordering a pair of small rectangular glasses closer to my old ones from warby parker. Theyhave a pair described as “narrow” that aren’t as wide as the standard. I got Caldwell narrow. It was hard to find glasses that were not giant and round. They arrive week afternext. I’m hopeful, but we’ll see.

      2. SarahKay*

        Definitely +100 to Indie’s point 5. I love my frames but they’re not made any more so I just got new lenses for them. The optician was less than keen (presumably they want the profit from new frames as well as new lenses) and there was a re-glazing fee on top of the lens fee, but it was absolutely worth it.

    4. BahahaBlackSheep*

      Have you looked into the companies in the vein of Warby Parker? I was in a similar place–was wearing 7 year old glasses because I loved them and the pairs I’ve gotten in between just weren’t as nice or fell apart. I could get another pair of the old ones but they have gone up in price a lot and now I’m in grad school and didn’t want to fork over that much cash.

      I went with Warby Parker because they will send you up to five frames for free to try on (shipping included). You aren’t obligated to buy a pair ultimately either. I was able to pick ones I liked and then I could try them on my real face to see if I liked how they looked and felt. I ended up really liking 3 of them and having them made in my Rx. All of that and I ended up paying less than I would have for an identical pair to my old favorite through a traditional optical shop. They have progressive lenses available as well.

      1. The New Wanderer*

        That’s good to know on WP. I’ve had the same issue with getting new glasses. I wear contacts usually so just need glasses at night or the odd day when I don’t or can’t wear contacts, so my motivation is low and buying frequency even lower. I still have my old frames from 2003 that I loved, but my current glasses are 3 or so years old. I like the style but the first pair of frames broke after a year so this is the replacement pair and I don’t expect it to last many more years. Plus the lenses are larger (thus heavier) and I really prefer small lenses.

        The last time I had new lenses made, I also had an issue with the focal point of one of my lenses being pretty far off, enough that I could not wear them. First time that had ever happened in 30+ years of wearing glasses. So I just wonder if quality control of both frames and lenses is lower now because glasses are seen more like a fashion accessory, disposable because they’re often replaced.

        1. Nicole76*

          It does feel like the quality has declined (while prices have gone up)! It feels like the frames themselves aren’t as sturdy and the quality of the glass is lacking. Even with the anti-glare coating I notice more reflections in the new lenses than in my old ones. It’s really strange and disappointing.

      2. Marthooh*

        I also went with WP and love the frames I finally settled on. I took selfies of the first five frames I picked and showed them to friends. They didn’t like them so I got another set, and I knew right away when I put on the right ones. They have what I think is called a keyhole bridge? over the nose, so the weight rests firmly on the sides of my nose, instead of having to balance on top of it. I also paid extra for the very thin lenses — worth it!

        tldr; Warby Parker yes.

    5. Glasses*

      I have reused the same pair of frames with updated lenses multiple times, and will continue to do so until I find another pair just like them. (I know you said yours are too beat up; just sharing to point out the solidarity.) My optometrist bluntly told me (not in a rude way, in a much-appreciated “no BS” way) that my glasses are incredibly out of style and I will have to wait a good long while for similar shapes to circle back into production.

      I prefer a very short height of lens, so the frame doesn’t touch my cheeks and so I can wear them low on my nose to look over them for close tasks. Right now, the style is tall lenses with a lot of facial coverage. I also prefer slim, plain temples. The current style of thick patterned temples with cut-out designs/rhinestones/other junk is making me crazy. That stuff catches/pulls/breaks my hair.

      If you’d consider buying online: Warby Parker has an aesthetic that is very “not me”. While trying to find my elusive eyeglass unicorn, I liked some of what I saw at Zenni, Eyeconic, and EyeBuyDirect.

    6. Ron McDon*

      I ordered the same frames as my old ones when I couldn’t find any other frames I liked (I have a very wide face, such that most ‘ladies’ frames don’t fit).

      They were so uncomfortable! Trying to get them adjusted to be the same as my old ones has proved impossible – they are now close, but still not exactly right.

      With regard to the nosepads, I am very sensitive to some nosepads and they irritate my skin; I usually go back to the place where I bought my frames after a week or so and say they’re irritating me and get them changed. They should do this free of charge for you.

      I don’t think the lenses should look blurry, have they measured your pupillary distance etc correctly, I wonder? If they’ve not made/measured the lenses correctly the vision would be blurry. Might be worth getting them checked.

    7. Belle di Vedremo*

      Finding new glasses is about like finding a new swimsuit.
      I really like your idea of wearing the frames to see how they feel before having lenses made for them.
      My glasses are much older than yours… there’s a place near here that does it all: opthamologists, opticians, make their own lenses, sell glasses. They also offer free simple repairs, so they’ve earned my business. They can make new lenses for my frames, so when it’s time that’s my plan. Mine are titanium, so feather light and sturdy – which is why they’ve lasted so long. Maybe there’s a shop like that near you with better options?

    8. OyVey*

      One thing I discovered when I shopped for glasses on line recently is that a lot of frames come in multiple sizes. If you see a lens shape you like, ask an associate about getting it in a smaller frame size that fits your face better. Same with all the doodles on the side pieces. On the online sites, it become obvious pretty fast that they had a frame – offered in several sizes and colors, and also offered plain or with various doodads.

      Have you happened to go to walmart’s optometry department? I have 3 pair of glasses right now (long story, not relevant) and my favorite is the $9.99 frame from WM. The specifics of mine probably wouldn’t fit your face but they’re lightweight plastic, solid color, with zero embelishments and no weird sticky nose pads.

  48. The Other Dawn*

    Recommendations for games to play with eight people? Age group is 43 to 80. Also looking for food themes.

    I posted a couple months ago that some women in my neighborhood finally started up a “girls’ game night” and I forced myself to go since I’m such a introverted homebody. It was fun and I’m glad I went. We decided to meet every two weeks; we all decided that every week was too much. It’s usually less than three hours. We’re going on our fifth one, and it’s my turn to host.

    Whomever hosts gets to pick the game. So far we’ve played a few card games, a dice game, and last Thursday night was Cards Against Humanity. Cards Against Humanity went over well, although several of us decided we would absolutely not use some of the cards and switched them out, as they were in really poor taste (not much offends me, but there are certain things that are just off limits). I don’t actually own any games other than my ancient Atari, which isn’t really a good choice for this group, Mustang Monopoly (my husband’s game) and chess. I do have Mad Libs, which was my game of choice growing up. No one at the table knew what Mad Libs was (I’m the youngest by far), so I might break that out. I’d like to avoid things like Trivial Pursuit, as it doesn’t really seem like something most of us would be into. The consensus seems to be cards, dice, games that don’t involve little pieces, things like that. And I don’t have kids or young nieces and nephews anymore, so I can’t look to them for games to borrow.

    I also get to pick the food theme. Food has mostly been “whatever”, such as cheese, crackers, veggies, junk food. The last two were better, though: Swedish meatballs, pita chips and hummus, “Italian nosh” theme. I don’t have the first clue about what I want to have. Definitely something that isn’t all junk food. The first meeting was mostly junk/sugar, which was bad for me. And it won’t be a meal, more like tidbits. One thing I may make is a dip my coworker makes. It’s just Velveeta, salsa and ground turkey or beef and it’s so easy and delicious. Lucky for me this lands on a vacation week so I have plenty of time to prepare.

    1. CAA*

      If the group would enjoy word games, try Bananagrams and Quiddler. Both can have up to 8 players.

    2. TootsNYC*

      Games for that large a group are hard!
      Would people be willing to break into two groups for two different games at once?

      Bang!
      (with the expansion set; standard game is up to 7, so it would work on a night someone couldn’t come; for 8 you’d need the expansion set)
      It’s a card game where someone is the sheriff, there are outlaws, deputies, and a renegade; outlaws win if the sheriff gets killed; sheriff and deputies win if everyone else gets killed, and a renegade win is he’s the last man standing (so he betrays both sides). Nobody knows who is who at the beginning.
      And best of all, if you get shot, beer will heal you.
      It comes out different every time.

      Secret Hitler.

      Quiddler
      It’s a card game similar to scrabble, where you make words using letter cards.

      Pictionary is open ended.

      Codename is fun, and it can do 2-8+!
      It’s a word-guessing game; if you like Password, you’ll like this.

      Uno (it’s 2-10)
      In high school, we played a game that was essentially Uno, with tons of people. We just used two regular card decks more than we had people; jack reverses, seven skips, 2 is a draw 2, low joker is a wild card, high joker was wild draw 4. We called it Crap on Your Neighbor (though everyone else knows that as a differnet game).

      2. Aealias*

        Bang! is awesome, BUT… once someone’s eliminated there’s nothing for them to do, really, so you want a casual after-Bang! option.

        Code name has a ton of different versions, and I’m really partial to the picture-only set. It’s great to play in pairs, I’ve never tried it with more than 4 players.

    3. Nicole76*

      I wanted to suggest the old 60’s marble based board game, Aggravation, since everyone I’ve introduced it to loves it, but only six people can play at a time. That being said, if you have a nice library they often have games you can borrow so you’re not spending money on something that might not work out.

      Oh, just had a thought – how about Pictionary? That’s fun! Or Taboo which is great for teams. Despite the name it’s not actually dirty or political.

      I wish I could find a local game group. My friends enjoy an occasional game night but I always host and they aren’t available often so we do it maybe twice a year. Also there tends to be way more talking than game playing which I find frustrating.

      As for food, I’ve had a lot of success with a veggie tray and a ranch based dip. The veggies that seem the most popular are black olives, celery, and baby carrots.

      1. Bacon Pancakes*

        I LOVE Aggrevation! My grandparents loved it and my Grandpa made all the grandkids game boards before he passed away.

    4. heckofabecca*

      Games for 8 players:
      – One Night Ultimate Werewolf: better mafia! It’s got a cute soundtrack (you can access on phone or computer) and it’s a lot of fun. Better with more players—holds up to 10!
      – Codenames: Requires more brainpower, but also fun! Sort of like verbal charades. Two teams.

      Food theme ideas:
      – You can jump off the Italian nosh into more eastern Mediterranean food… Hummus, pita, Israeli salad, Baba Ghanouj, various veg for dipping, etc
      – Tapas
      – A cheese/fruit board + a veggie/dip board! Posh~ XD

      Have fun!!!

    5. No Tribble At All*

      For a cute, fast card game that’s sorta like Uno, try Exploding Kittens. (No cats are harmed in the playing of this game, don’t worry). The base game is up to 6 people, iirc, but there are expansions for up to 10. The group takes turns going through a deck of cards, trying to avoid getting the Exploding Kitten. It’s a little weird, but lots of goofy.

      A more complicated but fun one is Seven Wonders (has an expansion to get up to 8). It has a lot of player interaction — you’re competing civilizations trying to build up a wonder. There are lots of different ways to win, and it’s hard to tell who’s winning while you’re playing. There is a little bit of a learning curve, so not sure if it’s too in-depth for your group.

      3. LemonLyman*

        Exploding Kittens is a lot of fun and especially great for mixed ages. It was created by the people who do The Onion. I don’t buy games but I bought Exploding Kittens because it’s such a fun party game.

    6. Really*

      Phase 10 for 2-6 players, fairly quick and you could do 2 groups and change groupings a clue of times.
      Five Crowns for 2-7 players, same as above and the advantage that if one of you is missing than the others can still play one game together.
      But why not have a variety of games for 2-6 players and try them all? Just rotate through groups of players and mix it up.
      Sequence 2-12 players but must be in multiples of 2.

    8. Ali G*

      Miles Bourne (I think I spelled that right) is a fun card game.
      Also, you could get a bunch of cribbage sets (they are pretty cheap) and have a tournament!
      Healthier snacks:
      hummus and veggies to dip
      big tossed salad
      cheese and meat platter

      1. ThatGirl*

        Milles Bornes, not to nitpick, I just played that a lot in French class in high school.

    9. Been there*

      Telestrations is a fun game for all ages. It’s like the telephone games but with pictures.

      1. Chameleon*

        Telestrations is a lot of fun, and one of the games that gets better with the more people that play!

    11. Handy Nickname*

      Oh yay, just posted here about trying to start something like this in my apartment building! I’ll be following here for ideas

    12. neverjaunty*

      Superfight. It’s very very easy to learn (easier than CAH, I think) and has a lot of replay value, plus it’s fun.

    13. Middle School Teacher*

      Apples to Apples is similar to CAH without the risqué factor.

      Trivial Pursuit? Ticket to Ride is extremely easy to learn and there are lots of versions.

      Werewolves (the card game) is easy to learn and loads of fun.

    14. Woodswoman*

      Assuming everyone in your group is fluent in English, I suggest Fictionary. All that’s needed is a dictionary, paper, and pens/pencils. One person finds a real word in the dictionary, and asks the group if anyone has heard of it and knows the definition. Once you find a word that no one has heard of, the person who picked the word writes down the real definition, and everyone else writes down a fake definition of what the word means.

      The person who picked the word reads all the definitions aloud, and people vote for which one they think is the real one, with each guess worth one point for the person who wrote it. For each round, you switch which person picks the word from the dictionary.

      I have to tell you that inevitably this game gets really fun as people start to write definitions that no way are true, but are so funny that people vote for them anyway. I have memories of laughing so hard I was in tears. And the more the merrier.

      1. anony-mouse*

        You can also do a variant were everybody gets two votes, one for the definition they think is real and one for the one they like best.

      2. Traffic_Spiral*

        You better hope for a reasonably uneducated group of people, or you’ll be going through a lot of words.

        1. Woodswoman*

          On the contrary, I’ve had success with this game with people with advanced degrees. It typically takes only a couple tries before we find a word no one knows. There are a heck of a lot of words in an English dictionary that no one has ever heard of.

    15. Critter*

      If you like loud, boisterous games with lots of yelling and waving cards at each other, I highly recommend Pit. It’s fun and simple, and lends itself well to making up house rules.

      1. Cruciatus*

        Pit is a lot of fun! It takes about a minute to learn, and you’re off! However, based on the last time I played it, while everyone liked it, it wasn’t a game everyone wanted to play all night–a couple full games and I could tell a few were tiring of it. But if you have a night of shorter games this would be great. There was a time 4 of us all reached for the bell at the same time (get the version with the bell!) and it took us a few seconds to realize who had gotten to it first (it was me! One of the others actually accidentally helped me by slamming my hand into the bell in an attempt to get to it first).

    16. Cruciatus*

      I love just easy old Catch Phrase! I think it’s meant for 4 players (2 people per team) but I have played it “wrong” with larger teams. I bought just the normal electronic kind that isn’t themed (there is a 90s version, and a sports version, etc.) that has a bunch of different categories kind of like Trivial Pursuit, but I always leave it on the “everything” choice to get a wide variety of words/phrases. If you’ve never played, you just try to get your teammate to say the word/phrase the electronic disc gives you without ever saying those words (or rhyming them). You pass it between teams and whoever has it in their hands when the timer goes off loses.

    17. Mephyle*

      Dominion is the gateway game for people who aren’t into board games.
      I see others play intricate board games with lots of rules and I’m not motivated to get over the learning curve. But they taught me Dominion and I did like it.
      It’s like a board game, but it’s only played with its own deck of cards and playing pieces, no board.

    18. StrikingFalcon*

      Pandora can be played in teams of two, and since it’s collaborative, everyone can get involved in every decision, so you don’t have the waiting for your turn that can make some large group games slow.

    19. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

      If you have a tv, WiFi and everyone has smartphones, I highly recommend Quiplash! So much fun and 8 people would be great. My son introduced it to us and we ended up playing multiple times over the weekend.

      Food themes
      Last Supper – you make a dish that the name starts with the same letter as the first letter of your last name.
      On a Stick – yup, it has to be on a skewer! (I got floral blocks to put them in)

    20. PerticoatsandPincushions*

      My friends and I used to love Scattergories and Catchphrase, both of which are word games where the rounds go pretty quickly. Scattergories is nice because the pace changes- there’s the short quiet period where people are thinking of words, and then a louder conversation as you decide as a group what counts. Catchphrase is electronic and it’s fun because you’re passing it in a circle and there’s constant conversation. And none of them require an extensive time commitment so you could play a few rounds and try something different, or go for hours.

    21. LGC*

      I’ve already been beaten to both of the suggestions I’d have made (Codenames and One Night Ultimate Werewolf). They’re fairly inexpensive (I bought Codenames for $25 and ONUW for $15, I think). If you want to split into smaller groups, Splendor is great for groups of 4. (I’m more partial to Catan myself, but my neighbors were more into Splendor.)

      Actually, I forgot – we played Idiom Addict once, and that seemed to be a hit! And I think it’s a 4-8+ game.

    22. Aealias*

      Someone else mentioned Apples to Apples, which is a nice group game. Tribond is a quasi-related puzzle-y game, which is easily adapted to large groups (I’ve played the quick challenge game with 12 players and it’s gone quite well.

      Anomia’s my favourite casual party game. It stretches to a big group of players, and everyone needs to stay engaged even when it’s not their turn. Just watch out for the NSFW version. (And for Exploding Kittens, too, omigosh.)

      Munchkin is something completely different, humourous, and available in a ridiculous variety of fandoms. It’s a monster-fighting game – D&D without the storytelling – that requires a table to lay out cards, and some paper to keep track of levels. (The deluxe versions have a simple board for tracking levels.) The Shakespeare edition is especially delightful, as is the Steampunk edition with art by Phil Foglio of GirlGenius comic. The deluxe versions are only set up for 4 players, but the box says it’s good for 6, and I see no reason you couldn’t play with more, especially if you combined two sets. (This is encouraged. Super Munchkin and The Good, The Bad and The Munchkin had quite good synergy.)

    23. OyVey*

      For food theme, look at “mezi” (turkish appetizers), cicchetti (italian small plates), and tapas (spanish small plates) recipes. There’s lots of material between the three that will feel familiar to the age range and palates you’re serving, and come in small easy to nibble packages.

    24. Bethany D*

      If you think the others would be willing to risk a little silliness, you could go old school and try Charades!

    25. anony-mouse*

      For games I’m seconding Codenames and Fictionary.

      I wouldn’t recommend Bang! because you really have the problem of nothing to do after you’re out. Exploding Kittens kind of has the same problem but at least the games are pretty short so you only sit on the sidelines for 10 minutes or so until the game is over, whereas with bang it can take an hour or so from the first death to the end of the game.

      Also, if you know each other a little bit and want to get to know each other better, gift trap is a really fun and easy to learn boardgame. Basically, there are a bunch of items on the table and you have to distribute them among your fellow players and then find out if they really liked it or really hated it or just were indifferent.
      We have a houserule on that one that says indifferent gives 0 points, instead of -1 point, which makes for a faster, less frustrating and more fun game.
      Drawback: If there is a large enough sub-group of people who know each other a lot better than the rest of the group, someone from that sub-group will win.

    26. Jillociraptor*

      Red Flags is similar to Cards Against Humanity–each player uses a set of cards to build the “perfect” love match for whoever is “it,” and then your neighbor gets to sabotage your match with a red flag. Our house rule for Cards Against Humanity applies to this game too: you can always trash and re-draw a card that you don’t think you can play in good conscience.

      Taboo is also a fun one. You have to describe a word without using any of the five or so related words on the card and get your team to guess it. I think it’s especially fun when you have a diverse group of multiple generations and backgrounds because your associations are so different.

      And check out Heads Up. It’s kind of like charades in reverse. The person who’s “it” holds a card on their head and the rest of the group tries to get them to guess it. This one can be tough if you have anyone in your group who has any hearing issues, because it is a LOT of shouting. The things on some of the cards are also definitely geared toward a younger audience (to the point where I in my 30s sometimes don’t know who the person is), but there are categories that are a bit more universal. Try the iPhone app!

    28. Lindsay J*

      Apples to Apples might go over well.

      Similar idea to Cards Against Humanity – there’s a card that is put out, each person has to choose the card in their hand that best goes with it, and the one the picker likes best wins. But it’s not vulgar at all.

      You can pick it up at Target and possibly even Walmart.

    29. Holly Flax*

      Late to the party, but if you want to avoid spending any money on the game I would suggest telephone pictionary (telestrations, but you all come up with the things to draw on your own) or fishbowl.
      Telephone pictionary: cut up pieces of paper into booklets with the number of players you will have (so 8 in your case). I usually make 2-3 of these per person because you can use both sides of the paper. To start, everyone writes down a person/place/thing then passes to their left. The next person has to draw what is written, then passes to their left. The next person has to describe what is drawn and it gets passed around like such until it gets back to the original person. Hilarity will ensue as everyone shows the pictures and reads off interpretations.

      Fishbowl is a combination of scattergories and charades. You start off with everyone writing down a person, place and thing (3 pieces of paper each person). Get into 2 teams and have someone on each team set a phone timer to 30 seconds. Round 1 is scattergories where a player will pull out something from the fishbowl and describe it using words other than the word itself until someone guesses it. That person can keep pulling new paper out of the bowl for their team to guess until their 30 seconds is up, then it is passed to the next team. The round does not end until all of the answers are out of the bowl. Count up how many each team got, then put the paper back into the bowl. For round 2 you can only say one word (so if the word on the paper is ‘chair’ you could say ‘seat’). Again, 30 seconds to get as many answers as possible until the bowl is passed to the other team. Very easy to get stuck on this round because it is hard to remember all of the words from the previous round. Count how many each team has and stick them back into the bowl. Final round is charades where you try to act out as many of the words in 30 seconds as possible. This round is easier because you remember most of the words by now, but some things are really hard to act out. Team with the highest total from all 3 rounds wins!

  49. anon for this*

    Can I just say that I find the term”gaydar” offensive and that I really, REALLY hate the LGBTQA+ community’s reliance on butch and femme stereotypes and how straight society keeps perpetuating that reliance. It’s so ’90s/early 2000s to me, and worse, trying so hard to be heteronormative.

    I’ve been called femme, but I’ve also gotten so much hate for being being “a femme who likes other femmes”. I’ve had women who refer to themselves as butch get angry that I’m attracted to more femme women and do the whole, “don’t you want me to take care of you?” thing which is so gross to me. It’s basically using butch as a replacement for masculine and makes me feel like I’m supposed to be some weak, fragile woman just because I wear a dress and makeup. I’m bi, but I’ve never been attracted to really masculine men. I like my men and women softer looking, and I’m so tired of being told that’s wrong because as someone who is outwardly stereotypically feminine, I should want a butch lesbian or a masculine man. It’s so frustrating.

    Also, I really, truly dislike straight people who use all these terms because I’ve met so many straight people who believe all LGBTQA+ people are or have to be in a butch/femme relationship and are confused when it’s otherwise. Or who think it’s fun to giggle about gaydar and don’t get why people are offended by it (like, no, straight people, not all gays look, sound, and act alike ffs).

    Basically, I just needed to rant because I went to an event and there were people there claiming queer women could only be butch or femme and nothing in between, and it really made me mad. Stop trying to fit people into your preferred boxes.

    1. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Anyone who tells anyone else who they should like should go….”date” themselves. Whether it’s food or drink or people or hobbies, it always seems to be that some self-appointed expert thinks either everyone should like what they like, or they have A PLAN and everyone else should follow it because….the purpose of everyone else on earth is to form pleasing, comforting patterns for them? I have no idea, as you can tell, what these people might be thinking.

      Ah, for the simplicity of the good old days, when we would just be called “confused”, “undecided”, “selfish”, or “trying to have it both ways”! *sigh*

      1. anon for this*

        It wouldn’t annoy me so much if it was a small percentage of people, but I find it’s a fairly common thought, from both straight and queer people. It makes me especially sad that the LGBTQA+ community still defaults to heteronormative tendencies sometimes. And there’s that ugly feeling of people judging you for not having enough queer cred if you don’t conform.

      2. The Person from the Resume*

        What’s offensive about “gaydar”?

        I agree with the rest of what you wrote although not with the same level of passion as you.

        1. anon for this*

          It reduces queer people to a stereotype and assumes we’re all one homogeneous identity. That we all look, act, and dress one way that is easily identifiable.

          I attend a lot of support groups, and I find the term gaydar tends to make people feel like they’re “wrong” if they don’t fit the perceived idea of their sexuality. For instance, gaydar assumes that if you see an effeminate man, he’s definitely gay, but that a sports bro could never be gay because he doesn’t “ping anyone’s gaydar” as he doesn’t fall into society’s perceived idea of what a gay man looks or act like.

          1. Anonymous Ampersand*

            It’s strange, because my idea of “gaydar” was more that people were picking up on stuff that was much more subtle than that, like a spark of interest in someone’s eyes that only lasted a second. Something that straight people would never be as good at.

            I don’t think I ever use the word, but I’ll put it on my offensive list. I can’t think of any situations where I’d need it!

          2. Observer*

            It’s interesting to me to hear you say that, because I’ve always thought this myself. I’ve always thought “Wait, so gay people all act the same?”.

            Also, it always seemed to me to be intrusive. I mean, why is anyone looking out for signs of gayness outside of a situation where it’s actually relevant?

    2. Triple Anon*

      That is so annoying! And why reduce people to Butch, femme, and in between? There is so much more to people, and life. Why are we so obsessed with gender norms and specific aspects of gender expression?

      1. anon for this*

        Yeah. It’s 2018. I’m really tired of the assumption that all lesbians are butch and wear flannels and t-shirts and have short hair. Or that all gay men love fashion and gossip. Or that all bisexuals are super sexual in their manner and clothing.

        1. Triple Anon*

          Right. And why put gender labels on everything? Why does flannel have a gender? It’s just a comfortable fabric that many people enjoy wearing. Yes, gender is a part of life for many people. But it’s only one part of life. There is more out there, right?

          For example, I don’t enjoy gardening and playing pool because of my gender. I enjoy those things because they’re fun things that humans can do. I think a lot of people probably feel that way.

    3. neverjaunty*

      It IS so early 90s! Sounds like you went to a party full of idiots.

      I think the only way to deal with these people is to be blunt AF. “Wow, and here I thought it was only straight people who asked which one of us gets to be the man.”

    4. Another Anon*

      I am so with you, anon. Being a smaller, more fragile looking female, I have always been assigned “femme”. While it mostly fits, I find that no one is 100% any one thing. It’s just so limiting.

    5. Triple Anon*

      I’m gender fluid or something like that, AFAB, and mostly attracted to men. I’m my own mix of masculine and feminine. But I trigger a lot of “gaydar” (yuck) because I have a female body and often act more like a dude. I get this from straight and queer people – they think I have to be attracted to women because I’m masculine. And I am sometimes, but I mostly like men. There is nothing wrong with that, and it’s not that unusual.

      So, being kind of like a straight woman, I don’t know if I’m being annoying by commenting here and talking about this, but I support your feelings about “gaydar”. It reduces queer people to a less than human kind of category, and if we have it, why is there no straightdar or bidar? And why do people even care? If you’re not interested in dating the person, it’s none of your business. If you are, ask them out.

    6. anon bi girl*

      I’m bi, but I’ve never been attracted to really masculine men. I like my men and women softer looking, and I’m so tired of being told that’s wrong

      Same here! I thought I was the only one! ^^;

      I’m not terribly comfortable with the concept of “gaydar” either. I’m an extreme late bloomer and hadn’t realized I was bi for most of my adult life — should other people have been able to tell that I was just by looking at me (nothing has changed about my appearance since)? Ridiculous.

      Furthermore I have no gaydar. Realizing I was bi led to a complete 180º in my attitudes toward online dating: I used to think I’d never do it, but to find women interested in dating women, I’d be absolutely hopeless if left to my own devices.

    7. Thursday Next*

      I’m straight and I hate the term “gaydar.” It sounds offensive and dated to me, and I’m from the 90s.

      What I’ve been finding with my age cohort is that people I know seem to have become more comfortable with a range of gender expression and identity for themselves. (That is, I’ve always been around people who welcome diversity, and now it seems like they’re welcoming *their own* diversity.)

      So, blerg. I’m sorry you’re running into stereotyping and rigidity.

    8. Also Anon for This*

      I wonder if the problem with the butch/femme thing might be regional. Many years ago when I was first in “the gay scene” such as it was in my home town, everyone was expected to choose a role and dress/act like that. I would have chosen butch but I was too short to pull it off, plus the woman I was seeing was very butch so it wasn’t an option. Then, I went off to college and the scene there was “we don’t need no stinking gender roles” – it would have been very weird to act stereotypically masculine or feminine (except perhaps to the degree it was natural.)

      I don’t know if this helps if you are stuck somewhere that is more like my blue-collar hometown. And, granted, this is dated experience. (From back when disco was in the gay bars but hadnt yet become popular among the straights…before Beegees and Saturday night fever…back when we did the Bump on the dance floor…) but maybe you can find a gay community that suits you better somewhere else.

      1. anon for this*

        No, I’m in a very, very liberal and LGBTQA+ friendly city. I’ve seen this attitude a lot in LGBTQA+ friendly places. Granted, it’s usually mixed in with people who don’t care how you express your gender, and a lot of it tends to come from older LGBTQA+ individuals, but I’ve definitely been seeing a resurgence of the butch/femme stereotypes in the younger crowd as well. Certain areas of tumblr or twitter are all over the butch/femme is the only way to be gay scene, which tbh, seems like a negative reaction to the emergence of genderqueer identities.

        The queer communities in all the liberal cities I’ve lived in do have a range, but there’s still a lot of underlying ideas about the “right” way to be queer and the tension over heteronormativity. Which sucks, but I guess shows there’s still a lot of internalized issues in the community and that we still have a long way to go.

        1. Also Anon for This*

          I wonder if this might be related to the growing visibility of trans people in the community. I am not well acquainted with trans issues but it is always confusing to me when someone says they don’t feel like they are the correct gender. To me this presumes that there is a right way for someone of s particular gender to feel. Which, I don’t get at all. (On the other hand, I do recognize that I don’t have to get it…. you do you, trans people!) but somehow I think there is a growing emphasis on “men are like this, women are like that,” so someone who is like this or that must be male or female, or if not, they are butch gay woman or femme gay man.
          The problem with old gays is probably that they grew up like me with the heteronormative roles .

          1. anonnnnn*

            Yes, it’s very weird that what seems to have started as an attempt to break down gender stereotypes now reifies them to the point of saying that liking to have short hair means you should have been born male and liking long hair, makeup, and dresses means you should have been born female. Is it not possible to have male and female people who are free to enjoy varied things without that meaning they were “born in the wrong body”?

          2. anon bi girl*

            It’s always raised my hackles when interests, activities, or personality traits are referred to as “masculine” or “feminine”. Just because I have some characteristic that’s less common among women doesn’t mean that I’m man-like, any more than liking stroopwafels makes me Dutch.

  50. MsChandandlerBong*

    Good news: My husband and I found a nice house to rent for only $40 a month more than we were paying, so we can escape our bully of a landlord without having to live in a hotel.

    Bad news: I was hospitalized Thursday night and will be here until at least Monday. At first, they said I had a heart attack, but now they think I may have myocarditis caused by my lupus. The only thing that helps my pain is Percocet, but it wears off in two hours. I am running on little sleep, I have a headache from the nitroglycerin drip, and I am grouchy as heck.

    2. Really*

      Nitrogen headaches can be really bad. I’ve decided after I had patches for about 24 hours They can do 2 and then I’m done. I can’t take the intense and unrelenting pain.

      2. MsChandandlerBong*

        Thanks! They are proceeding as if I have myocarditis, so they just put Lidocaine patches on my back and started running steroids through my IV. My pain meds have also kicked in, so I am feeling much better at the moment.

        1. Woodswoman*

          Glad to hear you’re feeling better! I hope that continues, and it’s great to hear that when you get out of the hospital, you get to move into a new place.

        3. Observer*

          Wow!

          I’m glad it’s better, but still sounds pretty rough. I hope you have a speedy recovery.

    5. Belle di Vedremo*

      Good news is good! That sounds like things are moving in the right direction, if you’ll excuse the expression.

      Sorry to hear you’re in the hospital, glad it was there to be helpful to you. Hope that the shift in meds brings relief and freedom to return home soon.

    6. MsChandandlerBong*

      Okay, now the plan is to keep me here until Tuesday. They will either do a stress test then (just to make sure this is myocarditis and not another arterial blockage) or send me home and have me come back for the stress test. The concern with doing it Tuesday is that if they don’t get rid of all the inflammation from the presumed myocarditis, then the stress test will be positive even if I don’t really have a blockage. Then I will have to undergo a cardiac catheterization, which we are trying to avoid. The last time I had one, I went into acute kidney failure due to the contrast dye. I can’t afford to lose more kidney function, so that is why they are treating conservatively and did not rush to do a cath on Friday. Plus, a cardiac cath is expensive, so it would be nice to avoid another big charge.

      They started me on steroids yesterday, and now my blood work is all wonky (high glucose, high potassium, high white cell count, low phosphorus), so they are running some IV phosphorus and keeping an eye on the other stuff. I also have a low-grade fever, so they’re watching that, too.

      My boss/coworkers sent me a beautiful basket of flowers, the TV at the hospital gets channels I don’t get at home, leaving me free to watch a bunch of trash TV, and the hospital food is actually excellent, so I am just chilling while we make a plan. Not much else I can do. My poor roommate has been here for 9 days, so it could be worse!

  51. Triple Anon*

    It’s been quite a week! Things are going well in most areas of my life, but work was extremely slow and then my car broke down twice. It’s in the shop now. I have about $10 left and I’ll probably have to take out a sketchy loan to pay the mechanic, make rent and all of that. I won’t talk about Friday stuff, but there is hope for that to improve greatly.

    So my pup and I are hanging out, I’m working on projects, and appreciating what I have. The hard times have actually brought me closer to some people and put a strain on other friendships. It’s good to see how people react when you’re struggling – whether they’re there to talk or just get judgmental and distant.

    What I appreciate about being broke is that it makes me more resourceful and more appreciative of everything. And I think things will turn around. I just need to put more time and effort into Friday stuff (hunting for a new one).

    1. Bacon Pancakes*

      I am working on budgeting and paying off student loans, so my “fun” activity right now is cleaning out drawers and stuff. I threw away a bunch of junk AND realized that I blew $12 on new socks when I have like 50 pairs in the drawer.

      1. Triple Anon*

        I’ve been spending all my free time making things that I can sell. It’s a good source of income. My house is a mess. I’m washing my clothes in the bath tub and researching loan options. I’ve never taken out a loan to cover general expenses. Just ones for specific things (education, car repairs, etc). So this will be interesting. I hope it works out.

        Good luck with the organizing!

    2. Another Anon*

      Try to avoid a “sketchy loan” which can end up costing you many multiples of the amount you took out.

      Go online and see if you can get something reasonable through a legitimate lending establishment.

      Good luck.

      1. Triple Anon*

        Yes! That’s what I’m looking into. It was inspired by the presence of sketchy loan companies in my neighborhood, but a little research revealed that those places are scams and there are better options. :-)

    3. Thursday Next*

      Can you work out a payment plan with your mechanic or landlord? If you have a longer relationship with either, perhaps they’d go for it. It’s better than a sketchy loan if you can do it.

      I have negotiated payment plans with some places where it wasn’t specifically offered as an option, so IME it’s worth a try.

      1. Triple Anon*

        That’s a good suggestion. Unfortunately, I think I’ve run out of second chances. I’m paying the mechanic late. My rent was late last month. And I need to pay my utility bills to keep everything on. So this is a last resort. But I’m doing my research and trying to find a loan that isn’t too sketchy.

        The good news is that once I find a job in my field again, I should make enough to pay off all the debt that I’m accumulating.

    4. Rookie Biz Chick*

      Thinking great thoughts for you, and wow, I’m so genuinely inspired by your awesome outlook!

  52. The Other Dawn*

    Based on some recommendations last weekend, I’ve decided to try CBD oil for my back pain. I ordered some from Charlotte’s Web and it arrives Tuesday, which can’t come fast enough! I decided to get the middle one in chocolate mint flavor, so not the lowest strength but not the highest. The highest is too much money to spend before I know if it will work for me or not. I’ve also been taking Tylenol PM in the meantime and that’s been good. I’ve found that one Tylenol PM and two regular Tylenol at bedtime is a good combo–it helps me sleep and it helps the pain. Percocet is better, of course, but I don’t want to rely on narcotics.

    If the oil doesn’t work, then I plan to move on to some of the other suggestions I got. But fingers crossed!

    1. Clearly Anon*

      I have a medical card for back pain/insomnia and go to the chiropractor monthly (I specifically chose my health care plan because it allows for up to 13 visits a year). At my latest card renewal, the Dr recommended I use CBD oil and the tinctures/saoking salts. I haven’t yet, but I am interested to try.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I looked into medical marijuana; however, in my state it’s very specific as to what back ailments it can be used for, and I don’t qualify. Otherwise, that would be my fist choice. Chiropractic isn’t working this time since it’s bulging discs. Eventually I’ll need a fusion, but I’m trying to hold off until the pain level is over 5 on a regular basis. Can’t justify that much recovery time at the moment.

    2. Sylvan*

      I hope it works! Please let us know how it goes. I’ve been waffling on whether to buy the exact same product.

    3. OhBehave*

      I started taking Turmeric supplements and they’ve worked wonders for my back pain. It’s an anti-inflammatory and I amazed at how well it worked to ease the pain. I’m out and need to get more and boy do I feel it! I hope the CBD works for you.

      1. Courageous cat*

        I have heard this too! But the best kind to take is the one with piperine/black pepper extract, it makes the turmeric much more bioavailable (or something).

    4. Thursday Next*

      Let us know how it works! I am a recent convert to CBD oil and it has been a great thing for me.

    5. Courageous cat*

      I have the chocolate mint one from CW too and I like it! I think mineis also the middle one. I don’t take it for pain but I find it does make a small difference in anxiety. I hold mine under my tongue for about 2 minutes too before swallowing it, which I think helps.

      I also like flavor a lot compared to other CBD oils, but be warned if you are prone to heartburn, and eat something after taking it.

    1. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Cafe Bustelo. Last week I was walking through the coffee aisle and the lightbulb went off– I can put Bustelo in my reusable K-cup so I can have decent coffee at work. I don’t know why it took me so damn long. Put a bright spot in my tough week.

        1. AvonLady Barksdale*

          I hate all the waste from K-cups, not to mention the cost. My office stocks K-cups, but they make coffee that is way too weak for my tastes. My reusable cup wasn’t cheap, but way better in the long run for my purposes.

      2. Anonymosity*

        I haven’t tried this but I can get it at Aldi. I should–why did I buy a coffee maker if I never use the damn thing.

    2. Ali G*

      The adorable baby squirrel that lives in our backyard. He runs around all crazy, rolls around, pounces on sticks and is generally just too cute and entertaining.

    3. Anonymous Ampersand*

      I lived without wifi for five months. I still take time to be grateful for it!!

    4. Susan K*

      I recently got an Amazon Echo dot and I love it! Now I want to make everything in my house Alexa-compatible.

    5. Thursday Next*

      Compression socks in an athletic cut (not knee highs). I realized I could wear them even when I wasn’t on long haul flights. It’s like a gentle hug for the ankles all day.

    6. Anonymosity*

      Three cheers for wifi! Or internet in general! \0/

      My love of the week is the heirloom tomatoes I’ve been growing. They’ve started to ripen! Mmm, Cherokee Purple is fantastic. I’m going to grow these every year from now on.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        Cherokee Purples are soooo good. Excellent in a tomato sandwich, or just plain with a little salt. Lucky you!

  54. Ruby*

    I don’t have specific books to recommend to you, Alison, but I would recommend an awesome podcast “What Should I Read Next” by Anne Bogel who does the Modern Mrs.Darcy blog. She has guests on and asks them to tell her three books they love, one book they hate, and what they’re reading now, then she works her magic and gives them suggestions about what to read next. Love that podcast!

    1. Middle School Teacher*

      The New York Times has a thing called Match Book where you can write in and say what you like, and they’ll suggest new books for you!

    2. TL -*

      I love her voice. I listen to that podcast when I want to sleep somewhere awkward, like on a plane or a camping trip, or a hostel, and I usually drift off pretty quickly.

      (The podcast is really good but her voice is incredibly relaxing and I haven’t found a better podcast for drifting off.)

  55. Justin*

    Alison (et al)- Everything Here is Beautiful by Lucia Seo. It’s more about an adult sister trying to help her younger sister navigate her mental illness than it is about a family that’s “dysfunctional,” but it’s very well done (Seo is writing from experience) and easy to read.

  56. Karista*

    I loved J. Courtney Sullivan’s Saints for All Occasions which fits exactly what you’re looking for. Also Curtis Sittenfeld’s You Think It, I’ll Say It, a collection of short stories, some of which feature dysfunction.

    1. AVP*

      I was just coming here to recommend this book! It’s so good. Maine is also great if you haven’t read that yet.

      Also really really loving Ottessa Moshfegh’s My Year of Rest and Relaxation.

  57. Glowcat*

    Saturday fun fact: I went online to buy the new AAM book and in the “frequently bought together” banner there were both Nice Girls Don’t Get the Corner Office and The Gift of Fear. Like, “nooooo, we’re not all buying everything Alison says”…

    1. neverjaunty*

      I have to admit that I read 90% of Alison’s book recommendations and think “you cannot be serious?!” But as the saying goes, it’d be a funny old world if we were all alike.

      1. Glowcat*

        I was surprised too! But, to be honest, it’s possible that the recommendation for The Gift of Fear comes from other books I bought. It would still be a funny coincidence, though.

        1. Former Employee*

          CH (Carolyn Hax) regularly recommends “The Gift of Fear”. It’s one of the few books where I can say it was a bit of a slog getting through it, yet I love the book.

          The guy really knows is stuff and he really seems to understand how women are socialized to be nice, which sadly works out to their detriment.

    2. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Ha, I’ve never read Nice Girls Don’t Get the Corner Office so have never recommended it here, but I think others have. For a while, the “bought together” books for my book were Hey Ladies (from the Toast) and Melissa’s Dahl’s Awkward (which is wonderful), and that made me very happy.

      1. neverjaunty*

        I highly recommend it, even though there are a lot of sections that will make you roll your eyes and say “okay, MOM.”

  58. Nervous Accountant*

    Anyone ever gone through this? Ok so not wanting to get my hopes up… I’ve been feeling super nauseous lately, not throwing up but just nauseous off and on, and a bunch of other weird/typical symptoms. My last period started June 15th I think. Yet I took 3 home pregnancy tests, the ones that detect pregnancy very quickly and they were question mark, No and No. This hasn’t happened in the pas and the 3 negative tests is making me so confused.

    1. Forking great username*

      Two false positives past your due date means it is extraordinarily unlikely that you’re pregnant. More likely that your period is late due to stress.

    2. Green Kangaroo*

      I’m hoping the outcome is what you want it to be! If you are trying to get pregnant (or even if you’re not), tracking your cycle is a good idea to get an understanding of your reproductive health in general. There are a lot of resources out there to assist with this; “Taking Charge of Your Fertility” is kind of the gold standard but there are others. Good luck!

    3. MamaCat*

      Even though your last period was over a month ago, it might still be too soon for a home pregnancy test to show; if you’re worried, you can see if your doctor will do a blood test, which is much more accurate. Did you have any big stresses between the 15th and the end of June/beginning of July, because that might have delayed your ovulation. Hope this helps!

    4. Nervous Accountant*

      It might be stress, been trying to take care of my health (diabetes, obesity etc) and it’s just a daily/hourly struggle. No change in weight, diet has improved, blood sugars are more stable now. I’m due for a A1c check soon, so maybeill ask my Dr to add this if I don’t get my period anytime soon.

      1. MamaCat*

        Yeah, go ahead and check with your doctor about the nausea; s/he can order a blood test and check for a few things, pregnancy among them.

      2. Glowcat*

        Check with your doctor: diabetes can cause polycystic ovarian, which can cause a delay in your period. Hope you are better soon!

      3. Sylvan*

        Yeah, talk to your doctor. Stress can definitely do this to you, particularly anxiety (both nausea and late periods). You might also want to Google “silent reflux” – for me, it can be brought on by stress as well as certain foods, and it feels like consistent nausea rather than heartburn.

      1. nep*

        I would say asap for a blood test, just to quiet your mind and eliminate this source of uncertainty and possibly stress.
        All the best.

      2. Forking great username*

        Yeah, you could go right away just for peace of mind. But I’d be surprised if any OBGYN thinks you need to be seen due to one missed period – that’s one of those things that can just happen occasionally for a variety of non-alarming reasons.

        1. Nervous Accountant*

          Yeah it’s just strange—I’ve been getting my period for 20+ years and never missed it aside from pregnancies. It sounds a little superficial and TMI but I’m worried that if it’s this late it’ll start super strong KWIM. Not as a regular spotting.

    6. LilySparrow*

      Stress can mess with your hormones. You’ve also been having ongoing issues with blood sugar and water retention, right? Blood sugar fluctuations can totally cause nausea.

      It’s *possible* for nausea and other pg symptoms to appear within a week of your late period, but not really typical. Most people don’t start noticing symptoms until closer to the 5-6 week range, or later (a full 1-2 weeks from LMP.) So the symptoms would typically be starting now, not already going on for a while.

      Also, not to upset you, but it’s not uncommon for an egg to get fertilized but fail to implant. Most of us have probably had a “chemical” pregnancy without knowing it.

      IMO, super-early testing can cause more distress than its worth. If any of the late-onset periods I’ve had in my life were chemical pregnancies, I’m happier not knowing.

      I’d give it another week and then call your gyno if it doesn’t show up. Unless you’re regularly exposed to serious risks or toxins, that’s plenty early enough to start prenatal care – if needed.

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        I’ thought of chemical pregnancy as well but I had that before and this wasn’t it.

        1. LilySparrow*

          Actually, it sounds like you’re very determined to get your hopes up! LOL!

          So best wishes, good luck, and good vibes coming your way!

          1. Nervous Accountant*

            Lol I would love to be! But I’ll be relieved if I’m not either. I’m fine either way. Just want this to come if it’s supposed to n

    7. Thlayli*

      you can ovulate late in your cycle and you can get pregnant up to 5 days after sex if your partners sperm is healthy. So I would think about which is the latest date you had sex that could be “the” sex, and try again 15 days after that sex.

      If it’s still negative and still no period go see a doc and find out why you’ve missed a period. There’s lots of reasons it can happen but combined with pregnancy symptoms it’s definitely a possibility!

      Good luck hope you get the answer you want!

      1. Thlayli*

        SORRY I meant to say 20-21 days after that sex – you can take 5 days to get pregnant, and 99% of pregnant women will get a positive test within 14 days of conception. Add a day or two to be sure hormone levels are high enough.

        You can ask the doctor for a “quantitative blood test”. This will give a number amount for the hormone in your blood as opposed to a qualitative one which just gives positive or negative if it’s above a threshold. If the quantitative one has a result of zero then that’s it there’s no way that can be a false negative. Quantitatives can have false negatives if hormone levels aren’t high enough.

        Also be sure you’re taking test with first pee in the morn so the hormone has time to build up in your urine overnight.

  60. LGC*

    A little bit of a late start to the running thread – how’s your weekend been going?

    I’ve been posting a LOT about myself so…here’s a dual question for everyone: what’s your favorite race distance and what’s a race distance you can’t see yourself doing? (I read somewhere that the half marathon is currently the most popular road distance in the US.)

    1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      My favorite race distance is 15K. It’s a race distance you almost never see anymore. NYRR eliminated their one 15K per year a few years ago (at which point I eliminated my membership). I’ve run a ton of half marathons because it’s the next-best distance for me after 15K.

      What race distance can’t I see myself doing? Ultra-marathon. I don’t know how people like Dean Karnazes do it. I haven’t yet gotten through the standard 26.2 mile marathon distance without being totally spent, both physically AND mentally. On the total other end of the spectrum, I never sign up for 5Ks, because I’m basically the running equivalent of a diesel truck. I can cruise at 60 all day, but it takes me forever to get up to speed and by the time I wind through all my gears and am warmed up, a 5K is usually over.

        1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

          That’s true, I forgot about Ted Corbitt, I think that’s because it’s right before Christmas and there’s always a scheduling conflict for me, so I never count on it.

        2. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

          I just visited the New York Road Runners calendar for the first time in a long time. Yup, Ted Corbitt is again scheduled on a day that I can’t do it (that’s on me, not NYRR).
          But when did the Grete Waitz half marathon get shortened to 10K? I can’t quantify how, but that just seems…wrong. Poor Grete.

      2. LGC*

        You sound exactly like the captain (I guess?) of my club! If I remember correctly, his marathon and half marathon PRs are actually slightly faster than mine. (As in, his half PR is about 15 seconds faster than mine (1:19:30 vs 1:19:45) and his full PR is about the same as mine – he’s also run 2:57, but I think closer to 2:57 flat.)

        My 5k PR is over a minute faster than his. (High 16 vs low 18.)

        Granted, I’m a somewhat notorious speed demon, and my endurance isn’t great. But I’m still slightly amused that his best 5k pace is nearly the same as his best half marathon pace!

    2. Justin*

      I think I enjoy running halves most (long but not sucking up your whole day). But the marathon just feels monumental to me. So I admire it the most and plan around it.

      I don’t think I’d do longer than a 60k, and don’t really want to go shorter than a 5k.

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        I once did the NYRR mile race on Fifth Avenue and finished next to last. It was the fastest damn mile of my life. 7 minutes and 29 seconds. But at 26 years old, 7:29 is not very fast, and today at 38 years old I’m not sure I would even break 8:30 going all out. It’s really not fun to finish a race almost last, with almost 45 seconds of daylight between me and the next runner.

        1. Green Kangaroo*

          I’m not fast, never will be. I have short dachshund legs so genetics are not in my favor. I try to focus on how fortunate I am to be able to run…lots of people can’t. I buy cute clothes, have an awesome (to me) playlist for races where I can use it, and just try to focus on my surroundings and all the reasons I love to run.

          I also realize that everyone is so focused on their own pace/time that no one cares about mine, so I try to accept that any embarrassment I feel is strictly on me.

          1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

            I’m totally with you. Honestly I’m really at peace with how I run… I don’t even wear a watch at races anymore, and it’s frankly made them more enjoyable. I only feel for my wife and family, who will be waiting a long time in the cold for me to finish the marathon this year!

        2. LGC*

          So, like, double response to you and Green Kangaroo:

          -@Librarian: 7:29 isn’t that slow! I think my best friend is close to that fast (and he’s a 30-year-old guy).

          Plus, don’t they do different heats for 5th Avenue by projected ability? You pointed out upthread that you’re more of a tortoise than a hare (that is, you’re pretty steady and don’t lose much speed as distance increases), so NYRR might have over-seeded you.

          Also: pfft they can wait, and besides, they have apps to track you with, so they can even wait indoors if they want.

          -@Green: To be quite honest, that’s…a really healthy approach to take! And I’ll be honest, it’s one I’ve been trying to work on. Because for the vast majority of people, their time and place only really matters to themselves (even if they’re trying to get qualification for Boston or AQ for New York).

          1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

            NYRR probably did change the format of the mile race since I ran it 12 or so years ago. When I did it, runners were placed in heats solely by age group and gender.

      2. LGC*

        (I really wanted to type out a response earlier, but I didn’t get back home until 5, and then I did everything else EXCEPT respond.)

        Like, for me – I’m actually partial to half marathons myself. Full marathons are easier to talk about, since it’s a more famous distance and there are a lot of prestigious races (like, I actually got pulled aside by our social services VP this week to talk to her about New York because I’d just put my PTO in for that), but…it’s this weird feeling of diminishing returns, in my case. At least so far – I’ve just done one, so I’ll see how I feel after the next couple.

        It’s weird because even though I’m not in love with marathon distance, it’s actually what I’m planning around myself for the next year or so (NYC, then Boston).

    3. Green Kangaroo*

      I love a 10K; you need to train for it but not obsessively so.

      I’d never do it for a lot of reasons, but the World Marathon Challenge fascinates me. A family friend did it this year and I’m in awe of all. He loved it and plans to do it again if he can swing it financially…it ain’t cheap.

      1. LGC*

        That sounds like something I’d do…if I had more money! I think that if you’re comfortable with the distance, the physical demands are probably not as intense as you’d think, but – yeah – it’s pretty expensive.

        To be honest, 10k is probably one of my worst distances, just because I can’t figure out what the happy medium is between 5k and half marathon. (My last one was…not great on my end! I went out too fast and ended up trying to readjust on the fly.)

    4. nep*

      I used to run–a LOT.
      A couple years back running started to cause pain in my hip. (Never had it looked at, but it was in the area where bursitis would be.) Nothing else causes the pain.
      Just this morning (having finally bought some new shoes–so important) I did some jogging/running during a long walk. It had been quite a long time. We’ll see how my hip feels in the hours to come. I really love including running or at least jogging into the week’s workout mix–and I’d love to do some 5ks or 10ks–so I hope the body is back to accepting it.

    5. A bit of a saga*

      At this moment the half marathon is my favourite, just because I’m still so happy with myself for getting in shape to run that sort of distance. I do want to improve my time for my last half marathon of the year in October but for me, these races are also about the experience. I did my first in Berlin, the second in Brussels and will do the third in Amsterdam and my plan going forward is to sign up to one or two exciting half marathons every year (exciting because of destination/scenery/quirkiness/legendary course/fantastic vibe or smth else). I’m currently looking at options for next year so hit me with good suggestions – easiest for me is Europe, of course but I’d love to race outside Europe, too! I agree with others that unless it was a relay (which I have done in the past) I wouldn’t pay to run 5 km anymore. I did pay to run 400 metres last year, but to be fair, that was with a 4-year old (who was super excited about the medal). Have a fab and slightly less warm Sunday

    6. Lady Jay*

      I like 10Ks and halves, because they’re long without being obsessively so. I’ve done one marathon.

      That said, I like to dream about doing ultras: 50 or even 100 miles.

      1. LGC*

        I mean, I love reading about ultras – for whatever reason, I find write-ups about things like Barkley and Western States and Leadville fascinating. It’s just that I could never see myself doing that!

  61. Handy Nickname*

    More friend-making attempts!

    I recently moved to a smaller town and interested in meeting people who live close by. Most meetup groups are based in a larger metro area 1+ hours away, often on midweek evenings, and no public transportation within a half hour of my home.

    All that to say, I’m thinking about trying to start a game night for people in my apartment building and looking for advice on how to make it work. I’d plan to do just one event to see how it goes and see if it turned into anything.

    So questions: I’d prolly have to hold it in my apartment since there’s no community room in my building. I’m a woman in my early 20s and I live alone. Does that seem safe? What if one person shows up alone and they give me the creeps? So I was thinking about billing it as a ladies/girls night event, although I really wouldn’t mind couples at all.

    There’s no email list or Facebook group, so I was thinking about putting a notice on the bulletin board inviting people to text me if they’d potentially be interested before I set something up. Does that seem like a good idea, or should I just pick a date and post that?

    Any other suggestions or things to consider?

    1. Ali G*

      Do you know any of your neighbors well enough to ask them to “co-host” with you? Or would you be comfortable asking one? That way you don’t have to exclude anyone for (legitimate) fear that some creep hangs on until everyone else leaves. Also they might know people that you don’t know/or wouldn’t show up otherwise.
      I don’t know your set up, but I’d be a little wary of putting a note on a board. Is it somewhere that the mailman or other non-resident could see? I would rather print out a bunch of flyers and put them either in mailboxes or under doors, if you are allowed to do that.

      1. Handy Nickname*

        No I don’t know anyone else here unfortunately. I’ve introduced myself to a few people in the elevator, but that’s about it. Maybe this is just an idea that needs to wait until I can make at least a few acquaintances. Plus I’d really prefer to have a mixed group, partly because I like guys as friends too and I just think the whole thing would be more fun that way, and partly because then people may come as couples if they wouldn’t have come alone, and then they’ll know someone there and that may make conversations happen more easily.

        The board is in the entryway where anyone can see it, so maybe flyers would be the way to go- there’s no apartment staff on site at my location so that shouldn’t be a problem. So many flyers though!

    2. The Other Dawn*

      I don’t have suggestions about starting up a group; however, I do have suggestions about having the event itself. As you saw upthread, I’m on the 5th game night with a group of neighbors I didn’t know at all and ages range from 43 (me) to 80. All women.

      When hosting and serving food, please make sure you have napkins or paper towels. Something to wipe the hands and mouth. Last week the woman didn’t have that and I have to go hunting around her kitchen for a paper towel. No one else would do it, so I did. Which leads me to…if you’re going to serve items that really aren’t finger foods, such as marinated artichokes, marinated mushrooms, very soft cheese, etc. PLEASE HAVE UTENSILS! This women did an “Italian nosh” theme, and while the food was great and was all along the lines of tapas/appetizers, there were no utensils so we were forced to try and grab the soft cheese (blue cheese!) either with our fingers and get nasty cheese fingers, or risk using a cracker and hoping it wouldn’t break in the cheese dish. Because of that, I really didn’t eat much. I grabbed stuff that wasn’t messy.

    3. SemiRetired*

      I have considered but not been brave enough to do this myself. I will suggest finding some other nearby place to host it due to the potential safety issues of inviting strangers into your home. My town has a brewpub that has big tables and encourages gaming, for instance. Your local library might also be an option.

    4. anonagain*

      I wouldn’t do it. I don’t think it’s worth getting stuck trying to get a creep to go home. I like the idea of doing an open game night at the library or a local pub/restaurant. That also has the advantage of connecting you with other people in the area.

      Is there any possibility of having some kind of outdoor event by your building? That might be an alternative that would allow you to invite everyone without needing to open up your home to so many people you don’t know.

      I find I have more fun in situations where I can just leave and go home when someone starts trying to convince me to join their cult or whatever.

  62. Strike Spare*

    Any Tesla Model 3 owners out there? How do you like it and did you install the home charger?

    My parents have theirs ready to order, but are a little hesitant. I might take over the reservation, but $37k after rebates is a bit much. My car is 10 years old and (I swear it knows I’ve been thinking of other cars) it started giving me trouble last night. It was chocking on start, ack.

    1. anony-mouse*

      Not a Tesla but I do have an electric car – a Nissan Leaf – and a charging station at home.
      It’s really too much of a hastle to go out for charging every time, because even superchargers take a lot more time than a refill at a gas station.
      If you don’t often drive beyond the range of the car, and/or can easily swap cars with your SO/parents/whomever, then an electric car is a great choice imho.

      My SO uses ours for commute and it’s down to about 30% charge at the end of the day – so enough left for a trip to the grocery store or into town and back should that be necessary, but most often we do those by bicycle.
      Then just plug it into our home charging station over night so it’s ready the next morning.
      Our home charging station is a lot slower than a supercharger but faster than the household power adapter. It takes about 5 hours to fully recharge.
      We use the household power adapter to charge at our destination when we take overnight trips (10-12 hours until full) and we use public superchargers on longer trips, but we don’t do very many of those.

      Long story short: If your usual driving distances allow you to only recharge at home over night (be it with a charging station or an adapter cable), and you can make arrangements for longer trips (swapping cars or taking your time with stops at public superchargers) then you’ll probably be happy with an electric car.

      Other plus things that make us happy with our car:
      It’s very quiet, we can listen to music/audiobooks or hold a conversation very well while driving, even on the highway.
      We can fuel it with green energy.
      No more trips to the gas station.
      It also doesn’t need a lot of maintenance.
      And our city has free parking for electric cars.

      1. anony-mouse*

        One more thing to note when you think about whether the car can meet your driving needs on a single charge a day:
        How long the battery lasts is very dependent on driving speed and on the outside temperatures.
        Especially below 0°C and above 110km/h the operating range drops significantly, down to about half what the European norm cycle says if you go fast on a frosty day, but if your total daily driving is half the norm distance or less, then you’re going to be fine even in winter.

      2. LCL*

        Hmm. What year is your Leaf? I work with someone who bought one as soon as they were available. He is not happy with the battery range. He is a very technical detail oriented person so I’m sure he’s following the manufacturer’s recommendations.

        1. anony-mouse*

          We have the small battery as well (24 kWh) and it happens every couple of months that we say “aw, I wish we’d gotten the bigger (30 kWh) battery, then we wouldn’t have to recharge now” – because the bigger battery model was just out when we bought our Leaf.
          But really, for our needs the 24 kWh battery is enough.

          We get up to 130 km at 120 km/h out of it in the summer and about 90 km at 120 km/h if it is well below freezing.
          And one can always drive slower to make the battery last for more kilometers. We haven’t really done that yet, but we estimate that we’d easily get 160 km on country roads (50-100 km/h), because we’ve done 90 km that way and still had 80 km on the range prediction.

          But yes, unless you’re only ever driving in a flat city, it’s nowhere near the 199 km that the European norm cycle say, which is why I wrote my second post.

          But then no car ever holds up the fuel efficiency promises of the European norm cycle.

          And also the range prediction of the leaf isn’t very good because it just depends on your last 15 minutes of driving and not on the type of road you’re gonna take next.

  63. Stormfeather*

    Soooo speaking of books… I vaguely remember someone mentioning the Dresden Files in comments earlier this week, and why they’re problematical, but not wanting to get too off-topic (commendable), and promising a discussion in the open thread if anyone was interested.

    I was kinda curious – while I realize the main character has issues, I still generally enjoy the series, so I’m curious what others have to say.

    (I’ll just take for a given riotous laughter on the part of those who have read the series and live in/are very familiar with Chigago – I have friends there who either read the series or have tried it and yeah. ;) )

    1. Chameleon*

      I really like it but damn do I roll my eyes every time Harry has to interact with a woman.

    2. TL -*

      I love the series – it’s one of my favorites. But Butcher is not great about women, for sure. All women are viewed through the lens of “how attractive are they to the main character?” which gets old super fast. And they’re all super hot (at least to main character’s POV) which again – it gets old.

      1. Lcsa99*

        I personally feel the fact that Butcher makes the women around Dresden incredibly strong, independant and very capable makes up for the fact that he focuses so much on their sex appeal. He’s had to help quite a few damsels in distress but he’s also been saved by a few himself.

        My only issue was when he wrote one particular short story from Molly’s point of view. It was very obviously a man trying to be in a woman’s head. But since that’s what it actually was, I can forgive him.

        1. TL -*

          He writes his female characters well enough that I keep on reading the books (and lack of well-written women is one of the fastest ways to get me to stop reading a book) but a story can both have decent enough female characters and be annoyingly centered through the male gaze.

      2. Loose Seal*

        I really hated how, in those first few books how Harry would race Karrin to a door to make sure he could open it for her and then say to us, the reader, that he liked to be chivalrous, so sue me! It’s like young Jim Butcher was saying what he thought women would want to read. I bet he’d be horrified to find that we see that more as a man deciding for us that they should get the door, be damned with what *we* want.

        However, I give him a bit of a pass for those first few books. He was only 26 when he finished the first one of the Harry Dresden books (it took a few years to get an agent and get published) and I think he’s matured a bit in how he thinks about women. Harry still has a ‘save the women’ complex, to be sure, but he seems to observe their strengths, mostly magic strength — especially of all of the high-ranking Faerie and Ivy — but he also respects Karrin’s martial arts and ability to keep her head, and Charity’s devotion to her family and her God and her ability to wield a sword when she needs to.

        I honestly liked Molly better after (I’m not going to spoil it in case we get new readers from this conversation) the thing happened on the island. I thinks it’s because she no longer had to be dependent on Harry for her training. So when he sees her now, it’s less of a teacher-apprentice relationship and more about appreciating her in her own right, for her own strengths.

        1. Stormfeather*

          Yeah, I did want to add though that it can be tough to tell sometimes how much of a chauvinistic attitude (for example) is from the author, and how much is from the character. My own take on this, just from trying to read between various lines, is that a bit is unconscious from Butcher but other parts are Harry specifically.

          As for Molly, I will say that that whole situation kinda squicked me a bit – not to the point of giving up the series, but more I was eye rolling and being annoyed by other characters telling Harry to basically get over his hang-ups, cause dude, those are totally valid and excellent hang-ups! Then again I get the same feeling of “engh” from reading Emma by Jane Austen, which otherwise is a book I enjoy a lot.

          2. Chameleon*

            Emma I get, because Knightley talks about how he was 13 when she was born and basically watched her grow up–but why S&S?

            2. Stormfeather*

              Sorry about the late reply…

              The S&S thing is slightly different and spoily so I’ll add some space just in case…

              Partly it’s the older man pining after the much younger woman based as far as I can tell solely due to her resemblance to a past love (whose qualities, that the younger sister shares, are what got her into all sorts of trouble anyhow).

              The other part is at the end, where said sister ends up married to said older man just because… he’s not terrible? And because her family all sort of try to foist her off on him as a reward for being a good guy.

              Don’t get me wrong, I liked Colonel Brandon a lot but honestly I would have preferred the ending if he married the older sister (sorry, blanking on names) and if the younger one somehow married Willoughby after both had seen some hardships and done some growing up. Or if she found someone else, for that matter.

      3. char*

        Yeah, and this applies to other books by Butcher as well. His narration often describes women in very sexualized ways even when it makes no sense for the story. One moment that stuck with me is a scene near the beginning of the first Codex Alera book that’s told from the third-person-limited perspective of a (straight, I think) female protagonist. At one point, a woman starts drowning the protagonist… and then the narration starts describing how “enticing” and “beautiful” that woman’s hips and breasts are, [i]while the protagonist is still drowning![/i] It gives the bizarre impression that the protagonist is preoccupied by how sexy her would-be-murderer is, which I’m pretty sure is totally not the intended takeaway.

        And in the Dresden files I was a little put off by some of Harry Dresden’s internal narration along the lines of “like any man would be, I was distracted by her sensuality” or whatever. It’s like… leave me out of this, I wouldn’t feel that way at all. Gay men exist, and some of us even read the Dresden files! Imagine that.

    3. Lissa*

      I personally couldn’t really get into them because they were recommended to me by someone who thought Harry was just the best guy ever, and this guy also has a lot of Harry’s bad attitudes to women, so I can’t read them without thinking about that person. And a lot of the attitude Harry has seems to me to be…kind of intentional but my read is still that Butcher sees it as a positive trait overall, like the “too stubborn” trait which the author still thinks we should admire the character for.

      I really like the world they’re in but I just cannot deal with Harry! If I’m going to read a protagonist-centered book like that I need to really enjoy the main character. No shade on people who like it though because lord knows I like tons of way more questionable books! Just the character in particular pushes my buttons.

    4. Caaan Do!*

      I really enjoy the series but yes, it certainly has it’s flaws. For instance, the weird page long PSA about ‘guys, I totally don’t mind if you’re gay or whatever, aren’t I soooo tolerant (but please don’t be too in my face about it)’ in one of the later books, and then in the very next book Harry asks Mab to put a magical earring on the ‘not-gay’ side. Sigh.

      Or in the book with the vampires who feed on fear (titles fail me right now, sorry), Harry sees a woman IN THE MIDDLE of being attacked but still takes time to note how nice her arse looks in her gym pants, seriously?! However, I do think Butcher attempts to show these as character flaws, even if he does it in a slightly wonky way.

      Also, Murphy is all of the awesome.

      Also also, in that thread someone recommended the Iron Druid Chronicles as an alternative and the 1st one was only 99p, so I’m going to give it a go, thanks!

    5. ronda*

      my big problem with dresden files is the one that is in many fantasy novels.

      He is always facing this big bad terrible thing and then at the last minute he does something magical that does not make lots of sense and triumphs.

      It is still be a fun read for me, I just know this is going to happen in every single book and live with it. (& it happens in lots of similar books too)

    6. DoctorateStrange*

      I haven’t quite forgiven the series for what happened to Susan, I will leave it at that. Also around the time I was reading the Dresden Files, I started the Rivers of London series and the latter really brought up the flaws of the former because Peter Grant turned out to be a breath of fresh air.

      No series is flawless but while Peter does narrate the attractions he has towards women, he doesn’t fixate. He mentions his partner being attractive one time but then he moves on to seeing her as a friend and workplace colleague would view her. He’s also a humorous person and, well, one of the more likable protagonists I’ve read in ages. Basically, Butcher could learn a few things from Aaronivitch.

  64. Ask a Manager* Post author

    Thanks for all the book recommendations!

    Here are the ones I’ve read lately that I didn’t love:

    – That Kind of Mother by Rumaan Alam (the protagonist’s relationship with race seemed really off — and frankly offensive — in ways that were never addressed, and yet race is a central theme of the book)
    – The Burning Girl by Claire Messud (just left me … meh)
    – The Quality of Life Report by Meghan Daum (I love Meghan Daum! This didn’t feel like her other work)
    – Sociable (I must be too old to not find these characters annoying)

    1. nep*

      This reminds me of a couple authors I was keen to have more of after loving a book by them–only to be hugely let down.
      Alexandra Fuller–Absolutely will always love the book Don’t Let’s Go to the Dogs Tonight. Was excited to pick up Scribbling the Cat–couldn’t get through it. I might try again, but didn’t like it.
      Also Jhumpa Lahiri–I enjoyed Interpreter of Maladies/stories, but didn’t like the writing in The Namesake.

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        For me it was Mary Kubicas every last lie. I’ve never hated a book so much.

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        It might just be that I like her essays better than her novels, but with this one I had trouble staying invested in the main character in the second half of the book … in large part, I think, because I didn’t feel like it was ever clear why she was so committed to staying in the very bad romantic situation she was in. I absolutely adore The Unspeakable though.

  65. Puppy Lover*

    I’m super disheartened this weekend. I have spent over $5000 on attorney fees, draining both retirement accounts I had and living as minimally as possible for my child custody case. My lawyer informed me yesterday that he was no longer going to represent me due to the fact I couldn’t get my retainer to the required amount-but I’ve always kept it out of going negative I have been looking for a second job with no luck due to the availability I have because of custody. Part of me is just frustrated that I’m losing my lawyer because he’s behind in child support and hasn’t paid any of daycare. We’ve already gone through a temporary hearing and came out of mediation last week unresolved, so we now are headed to trial. I’m going to try and apply for legal aid again(I didn’t qualify in the beginning as my ex and I still lived together.). My fear is I will not qualify and I will have to go pro se. I’ve done a decent job documenting everything since we moved out and have been working on going back and documenting specific events to the beginning of the relationship. I know pro se is never a good idea but I am all of a sudden left few options. Have any of you done pro se or known anyone who has? What was their experience like?

    1. Triple Anon*

      I don’t have any knowledge or experience to share, but I can offer internet hugs. That sounds extremely challenging. I’m rooting for you and your family to pull through and move on to better times.

    2. Thursday Next*

      Not a direct response to your question about pro se, but is there a nonprofit like Advocates for Children (in NYC) that you can talk to? Perhaps there’s an organization specific to children or families and legal support?

      If there’s a law school near you, perhaps some of the family law faculty know people who’d take cases on pro bono? Or do so themselves?

      My DH’s mother had a difficult time with legal fees when divorcing DH’s father. He kept challenging her right to custody, and was terrible with child support. BUT in the end she prevailed in the ways that really mattered to her kids. It was a difficult road. She gets major admiration in my book. My best to you.

      1. Puppy Lover*

        I did look into the law schools near me. Most go on the same income basis as legal aid so I doubt I will qualify. I will try and apply. I haven’t found any organizations involved with child advocacy that do not tied to legal aid already. Thank you for your thoughts.

    3. neverjaunty*

      Well, wait a sec, why can’t your lawyer try to refer you to someone who can help (like a Legal Aid or modest means program)? And doesn’t he have to formally get the court’s permission to withdraw OR your written agreement to let him? I know in my state a lawyer can’t just drop a client without doing one of those things.

      1. Puppy Lover*

        I am going to ask him to refer me somewhere as it is very late in the game for this to happen. As for letting the court know he’s withdrawing, I would assume do but I have no idea. He can just withdraw from my case according to my retainer agreement. I reread it for specifics.

    4. PolicyChick*

      Do not go pro se if you can avoid it. Look into local support groups for single moms – no matter what the subject matte – and ask for referrals to organizations that help low-income women in your position. If you have a law school in your area, they often have clinics that can help you for free. Your lawyer should refer you to someone or a clinic or something – push him to do so.

      Also check your state, county, and city Bar association websites. You can find an individual attorney and/or they often list resources for folks in your position. Good luck!

        1. Puppy Lover*

          I am going to ask him to refer me somewhere as it is very late in the game for this to happen. As for letting the court know he’s withdrawing, I would assume do but I have no idea. He can just withdraw from my case according to my retainer agreement. I reread it for specifics.

  66. I'm A Little Teapot*

    I hate plumbing. Downstairs toilet is out of commission in such a way that it makes using the upstairs toilet problematic. Plumber friend is coming tomorrow to get everything working properly, but in the meantime the toilet overflowed when I took a shower. So now I get to disinfect the bathroom.

    Ugh. Nothing from my neighbor at least (so far).

  67. Jenny*

    Book recommendations for literary fiction with mildly dysfunctional families!:

    The Book of Essie by Meghan Weir: A debut novel of family, fame, and religion that tells the emotionally stirring, wildly captivating story of the seventeen-year-old daughter of an evangelical preacher, star of the family’s hit reality show, and the secret pregnancy that threatens to blow their entire world apart.

    Rabbit Cake by Annie Hartnett: Elvis Babbitt has a head for the facts: she knows science proves yellow is the happiest color, she knows a healthy male giraffe weighs about 3,000 pounds, and she knows that the naked mole rat is the longest living rodent. She knows she should plan to grieve her mother, who has recently drowned while sleepwalking, for exactly eighteen months. But there are things Elvis doesn’t yet know—like how to keep her sister Lizzie from poisoning herself while sleep-eating or why her father has started wearing her mother’s silk bathrobe around the house. Elvis investigates the strange circumstances of her mother’s death and finds comfort, if not answers, in the people (and animals) of Freedom, Alabama. As hilarious a storyteller as she is heartbreakingly honest, Elvis is a truly original voice in this exploration of grief, family, and the endurance of humor after loss.

    Sour Heart by Jenny Zhang: A sly debut story collection that conjures the experience of adolescence through the eyes of Chinese American girls growing up in New York City—for readers of Zadie Smith and Helen Oyeyemi. (the stories all entwine with each other)

  68. CatCat*

    Fun things to do in St. Petersburg, FL? I’ll be there for a week without a car staying along St. Pete Beach so things that are pretty accessible via public transit or Lyft would be great.

    1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Dali museum.

      Ice cream at historic Don Cesar hotel.

      Take a boat to nearby key to see birds/turtles.

      Fish dip app at Silas Dents.

  69. That's Not My Job*

    The other day someone came to our door and Husband answered and immediately realized it was a company that we’ve already determined can’t give us the service we need. He said no thanks so as not to waste the person’s time but their response was something about “oh so you don’t want the pizza party? I brought napkins and everything!” This is a tactic we get from this company every time they come to our door – “the neighbors didn’t tell you? You’re supposed to be throwing me a birthday party!” Or “I’m here to interview people for a flash mob, show me your dance moves” etc. I hate it. So Husband tells this guy that actually, we don’t appreciate when they use that approach and instead of an apology he gets “what, you don’t like pizza?” He basically had to just shut the door at that point because he already said minutes ago he wasn’t interested. I’m so sick of having to play along with these idiotic stories to finally get to a point where I can just say I’m not interested. It feels disrespectful somehow, especially to stay in character like that. Maybe I’m just overreacting though. Is this a universal thing salespeople do, and how do you handle it?

    Also I’m on Nextdoor and there’s been posts before from confused people who got this spiel and wanted to call the cops because someone who changes their story to say they’re a legitimate salesperson after asking and failing to get into your home for a fake party sounds pretty suspicious. Would I be a horrible person for telling the next one “if you don’t stop using this you’re going to end up getting the cops called on you”?

    1. Wannabe Disney Princess*

      Honestly, I’d just call the cops next time. No warning.

      I’ve had something similar happen, except with a power company scam. And the guy got hostile with me the first time because I didn’t want to show him my energy bill. He kept saying he needed to look at it to make sure I’m being charged the right amount because he works for the company that supplies it. (or something like that – it was worded to purposely confuse you)

      I mentioned that I paid my bills online so why didn’t he tell me what it should be and I’ll look later and call if it’s wrong. That’s when he got NASTY and informed me that it was really important that I get paper bills instead. Riiiiiiiiiight.

      The last time they showed up, I didn’t answer the door. I just called the cops.

    2. Indie*

      My standing line is ‘I don’t support companies who doorstep people’, followed by ‘I say, Good day!’ and letting the door slam with a flourish. I used to work closely with the police and they said that even companies who dealt fairly with you would often twist the arm of the more vulnerable. I’ve yet to come across any doorstep person who wasn’t trying to pressure me to make a decision ‘right now’ and screw that.

      Other lines:
      ‘Can I have your card/ contact number. Obviously I can’t make a decision on the spot’
      ‘Thank you for letting me know about (deal) but I’d prefer to research this online’
      ‘Oh, I thought you were the Feds. Boring.’

      Any answer that is not ‘of course’ deserves a door slam.

      For flash Harry who is there for a birthday party/pizza, just close the door. That is someone who seriously does not value your time and is so slick he’s oozing snake oil.

      I remember a friend who was eternally grateful to her boyfriend for saying to a charity ‘look mate she said no’ and slamming the door for her. She also realized she could do that herself!

      1. Anon 4 This*

        I now want someone to come to my door just so I can say “I said good day to you, Sir!” and slam the door with a flourish. That sounds like fun.

    3. Middle School Teacher*

      As a woman who lives alone, I haaaaaaaate when people try to scam their way into my house. The last two times it has been reps from security companies; one was so persistent I actually called the company and complained that if their guys seem like they’re trying to case my house, I would never ever use them. Now I just don’t answer the door if I don’t know who it is.

      1. Chaordic One*

        I keep getting visits from people wanting me to install solar panels on my roof. Lots and lots of visits. I rent, so I can’t approve anything like that. Very annoying.

        1. anony-mouse*

          Send them my way please. I’m trying to get solar panels on my admittedly difficult roof and nobody has time to come look at it.

          They just want me to use their online tool but my roof doesn’t fit with the shapes they usually have in those tools.

          It’s somehow both sad and ridiculous how these companies waste their time bothering you, when they could make a profit at my place. I know my roof is difficult and I’m willing to pay quite a bit more to get a clever solution for it.

    4. nep*

      Oh my god zero tolerance–slam door, call police if they persist. Seriously, not to be accepted.

    5. Queenie*

      I just don’t answer the door if it’s someone I don’t know or wasn’t expecting.

      There is literally nothing I’d ever buy from a stranger who randomly showed up at my house, and I don’t feel like I need to answer the door just to be polite since there’s always a risk it could be someone who wants to rob or harm me. If it was from a legit company (like water or electric), I assume they’d have to leave a note or follow up with a call if there was a problem.

        1. Dan*

          Precisely. I might look through the peep hole, but normally, I just ignore it.

          I had someone from a brokerage cold call me at work. As soon as he identified himself, I politely told him I wasn’t interested. His response: “But you don’t know what I’m offering.” If I was thinking quicker, i would have said, “oh, did yo say you were Ed McMahon? He’s the only guy allowed to cold call me on the phone or in person.”

      2. Ali G*

        Me three. We have those side glass panels next to the door. I usually just peek out and if it is a solicitor of any sort I just wave and say “no thank you” and walk away.
        It helps I have a snarling beast in the background as well.

      3. Red Reader*

        Yep. I have a sign on my front door that specifies no solicitors and do not knock, and my doorbell is actually disconnected.

      4. That's Not My Job*

        I do buy from kids raising money for their school programs and recently someone came to my door with a petition I really wanted to sign. Since they can see me through the door I feel bad ignoring altogether but you’re right, it is a safety issue. I’ve always been a little oblivious to those. In college we were given an assignment to walk the male students around and show them all the areas we’d never go alone any time of day, at night, etc. It was supposed to just teach the guys but I was just as surprised. Turns out I was hanging out in some pretty dangerous places by myself.

    6. LilySparrow*

      Tryong to get into your home under false pretenses is a scam by definition. I would have told them to get off my property or I’m calling the cops the *first* time.

      Polite salespeople who state their business, have legit identified vehicles, and respect my “no” get told no politely.

      Liars who lie and scammers who scam get treated like criminals. Because that’s how they’re acting.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      What the heck? Is this some kind of new thing? What company do they supposedly represent?

      Call the cops, period. This is just too weird.

      I looked for this particular type of scam on google but I could not find anything. One site recommended installing security cameras at the front door and putting up a sign that said, “No solicitations”. I think even if you got an old camera that did not work and just installed it that would be of some help.

      I can’t tell if it’s the same person or different people. I’ll assume it’s different people. Try to have some type of description to give the police. Ask the police to increase their patrols of your area.

      These folks need a license to go door-to-door in some places, so you might check into that also.

      My solution to having a stranger at the door has been to have my dog answer the door with me. That usually shortens conversation substantially. Especially with my old guy who had a lot of German Shepard in him.

      When you talk to the police get the officer’s name and contact info. Post to your forum how you have contacted the police and what the police said. Then post the officers’ contact info so others can report what they are seeing, also.

      Yes, they will engage you in a long conversation. Know this up front and go accordingly. Typically, I say “Very sorry I am busy” while they are talking, I don’t wait for them to stop talking because they won’t. And I close the door.

      1. That's Not My Job*

        The company is CenturyLink, which we would be happy to use, if it worked for us. The first time I ran into this the salesperson seemed nice enough and was a white male. I asked my husband if he was interested and he was, so I asked the salesman to come back to talk with my husband. He did (and our cat nearly took out his eye), only for us to sign up and find out their records were wrong and our house is not actually in their fiber network. We were then charged for the privilege of finding this out. The second person was told of this previous experience and she said she’d take us off the route. Everyone after the first guy has been a POC so I’m hesitant to call the cops, especially for something they’ve clearly been trained by management to do. I think if I get another I will try asking for their boss’s contact info.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Okay, this makes sense.
          Why not report them to the BBB or the state attorney general?

        2. MsChandandlerBong*

          I am mad at CenturyLink. I’ve had them for 2.5 years with few problems. We’re moving this week, so I called to transfer my service. “I’m sorry, ma’m, but we can only offer 1.5 Mbps download speeds at the new address, not the 40 Mbps you are getting now.” Me: “Uh, sorry, that’s not going to work for me” (I work from home and stream content constantly). Now I will be getting 60 Mbps from Xfinity for $4 more than I was paying for 40 Mbps with CenturyLink.

    8. Dan*

      I’m going to take the “sales people wasting your time” theme and go off on a tangent for a sec.

      A gourmet market recently opened in my neighborhood. It carries a lot of high end products, and on the weekends, the product vendors have been coming in and giving food demos. On the whole, this is no different than any other grocery store i go to, but at most grocery stores, the demo people work for the store itself and are just passing preparing and passing out free food.

      But at this store, many of the demo people aren’t store employees. Some of them have really long pitches about why they like the food. I actually don’t impulse buy food demo stuff, but if it’s good, I make a mental note of it for the next time I’m interested in that type of product. I find myself getting quite annoyed at these long pitches. IMHO, they’re “allowed” to pitch for as long as it takes them to prepare the sample and me to consume the product. When I’m clearly done, and not asking follow up questions, it’s time for them to finish the pitch and “let” me go. Yes, I know I’m free to walk away when I want, but that feels quite rude.

      2. Marthooh*

        You’re allowed to interrupt: “Excuse me, I have to get on with my shopping, thanks!” And then walk away.

    9. CBE*

      My city requires a special license for door to door sales, and it must be carried on them. If someone ignores my “no soliciting” sign, and continues to knock on my door or tap my window (I work from home and my window is on the front porch, so sometimes they can see me and come tap the window!) I ask for a business card and the see their door-to-door business license. If they don’t have one (and I have yet to get a salesman that does) I report them to the city’s business licensing department.
      I didn’t even know this was an option until about a year ago, but apparently my city will fine them. And I am all for it since these are people who ignore my prominent “No Soliciting” sign.
      And it worked to get rid of the two most pesky companies: One a home security company and one a solar system sales company. Has yet to work on the annoying pest control guy.

    10. Beatrice*

      I handle it by not feeling like I have to be exceedingly polite to people who knock on my door uninvited. If I’m sure they’re not after anything I might be interested in, I don’t answer the door. If I do answer the door and it becomes clear they’re not hawking something I’m interested in, I give them a quick, “No, thanks, not interested!” and slam the door. I figure a quick, clear, unambiguous “no” is more of a kindness than wasting their time and mine trying to find a way to politely end the conversation, if it’s inevitable that I’m not going to buy anything anyway.

    11. neverjaunty*

      Why are you waiting to “get to a point” where you can tell them no? THEY interrupted YOU. As soon as you see who it is, say “No thank you” and SHUT THE DOOR. Problem solved.

      Being firm and asserting yourself is not rude, and it does not make you a horrible person. They aren’t entitled to steal minutes of your life.

    12. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Call the cops. Doesn’t matter if you’re a legit salesman, if you’re harassing someone then you deserve to have the cops called. I’m guessing that the police will be happy to call the company and tell them to knock it out.

  70. tangerineRose*

    Giving a shout out to Pill Pockets for kitties! I’ve got a cat who has been recently diagnosed and needs daily medicine. I was worried that the vet would want me to pill her, but he suggested putting the pill (which is tiny) into a pill pocket, and my kitty actually likes it! She thinks she’s getting a treat (pill pockets seem to be hollowed out soft kitty treats). I’m so grateful this works. I’ve had to pill a cat before, and I got reasonably good at it, but that cat was a gentle cat. This cat… well not so much.

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      I have some Pill Pockets advice! I’ve been using them for Lucy, who needs twice-a-day blood pressure medicine, and at first she was gobbling them down happily. After about a month, she started getting more finicky, so I switched flavors (they have two flavors). That worked for a while, but last week she started refusing to eat either flavor. I remembered someone here had mentioned their vet prescribed transdermal medicine — a gel that you rub into the cat’s ear — so I asked about that, and now I’m using it and it’s such a relief not to have to get pills into her. So if your cat becomes more finicky about the Pill Pockets over time, first try switching flavors, and then keep transdermal medicine in mind if you ever need it. (I don’t think they have it for everything, but you could check.)

      1. tangerineRose*

        Thanks! They do have transdermal medicine for this issue (hyperthyroid), and that would be a lot easier than forcing pills into her. I’ll try to change flavors every so often. My 2 other cats usually don’t like most kitty treats, but this kitty usually does.

        1. KOKO*

          I have a hyperthyroid cat, and my vet wouldn’t prescribe the transdermal gel in this instance because the efficacy is too low for this medicine. My cat ended up being one of the rare cats to have a severe reaction to the thyroid medication, and too old to have the radiation treatment (whic I would have done in a heartbeat if he were younger).

          But for giving pills to my cat, I use Gerber baby food in any meat flavor. I keep them in the fridge so I can hide the pill in a nice dollop on my finger. He has caught on to it but he loves baby food too much. Baby food has been a special treat since he was a kitten, so I’m not sure how a cat who has never had it would react. But it’s so easy giving him pills!

          1. KOKO*

            Also, baby food has high fat content, and if your hyperthyroid kitty struggles to keep weight on, it can be a good addition (my vet is in favor for my cat).

      2. Not a Mere Device*

        I will remember transdermal; our cat won’t eat pill pockets (or most other things that I’d expect a cat to consider a “treat”). We got a few doses of antibiotics into her hidden in wet cat food, but she has figured out how to spit them out again, so we’re at the stage of forcing her mouth open, insert pills, closing mouth, stroking the cat’s throat until she swallows. Last night I strained my own joints holding her. This morning I got her on my lap, but that probably won’t work twice in a row.

    2. Ali G*

      Pill pockets are awesome! My dog is on Prozac 1X a day and heart meds 2x a day. He also has Xanax and Apoquel for use as-needed. Some days there are so many pills – pill pockets let me give him 2-3 at a time (for the smaller ones) which is great because too many “treats” will upset his tummy.
      Glad they are working for you – hope kitty feels better soon!

      1. Loose Seal*

        My dog has realized that Pill Pockets contain pills. This happened after he had a course of antibiotics that were huge, apparently nasty-tasting, capsules (he’d crunch into the capsule when he eat the Pill Pocket). So I think he now associates every Pill Pocket flavor with that nasty taste.

        Solution: We now make our own Pill Pockets! We use a ratio — by volume, not weight — of 2 flour (any kind: regular, rice, gluten-free blend, etc.) : 1 creamy, natural peanut butter, 1 milk (whatever your dog tolerates; we use rice milk) or water. Stir everything together and roll into balls. Poke a little hole in the center. Store about a week’s worth in the refrigerator and freeze the rest. They thaw quickly so I usually take another week’s worth out of the freezer and put them in the refrigerator as soon as I use the last thawed one.

        I make big batches because I have a giant breed who take 3 pills a day so I use up the whole jar of peanut butter each time and figure out my ratio from there. But you could make a small batch to try out by using 2 tablespoons flour, 1 tablespoon peanut butter, and 1 tablespoon milk or water.

        TL;DR: Homemade Pill Pockets for Dogs (small batch)

        2 tablespoons flour
        1 tablespoon creamy, natural peanut butter
        1 tablespoon milk or water

        Roll into balls and poke a hole in the center. Will keep in refrigerator up to one week. Freeze any extra and thaw in refrigerator.

        1. LemonLyman*

          My dog was on a 10 day course of antibiotics and wouldn’t take it. I made my own pill pocket in the form of a little meatball. The meat juices do an especially good job of hiding any pill flavor.) I stuffed the pill into a silver dollar sized meatball and she gobbled it up so fast! I used the “party meatballs” from Trader Joe’s (I had them in my freezer) but you could easily bake up some doggy meatballs with ground beef so you can avoid the spices and stuff of a meatball meant for people. (The TJ ones were perfect size and I was too lazy to make my own.) She finished the course two days ago and I think she’s sad that she doesn’t get any more meatballs. Every morning and evening before bed she runs over and stares into her empty dish and dances like her paws are on fire…in a vain attempt to will meatball gods for another.

    3. Damn it, Hardison!*

      Seconding the advice to switch up the flavors occasionally. We rotate when we open a new package. My cat doesn’t like them when the package has been opened too long – when we get down to the last 5 or 6 pockets she refuses to eat them but if we open the new package she gobbles them down. I’ve also been know to take part of a pill pocket and stick it (with the pill inside) to the underside of a crunchy treat to fool kitty into eating it.

      My other cat refuses to eat pill pockets or be tricked with the crunchy treats, so she gets her meds through transdermal gel on her ears. She’s a picky one!

    4. Plant Lady*

      Another shout out for Pill Pockets here! And another trick about PPs – one of our (late, much-lamented) cats had more and more pills that he had to take toward the end of his life, and he finally got sick and tired of either flavor of the cat PPs. Our vet suggested trying the dog versions…they are bigger, so we only needed half of one per pill, and they were more strongly scented/flavored so Elderly Cat seemed to respond to them better. Just passing that on in case anyone else might find it a useful tip.

  71. nep*

    On books–What’s been your experience with Virginia Woolf’s To the Lighthouse?
    I read it. Almost threw it across the room many times. It was inexplicable to me why I didn’t want to just be done with it. Liked it but I’ve got no idea why, for it frustrated me so often. That was several years back; I’ll be interested to see what my experience when I pick it up again sometime soon.

    1. Foreign Octopus*

      I’ve recently bought this book but my TBR pile is huge and I’m apparently addicted to buying books so I haven’t read it yet. Your comment doesn’t fill me with confidence but I finished The End of the Affair by Graham Greene recently and hoo-boy that was a struggle to get through without me liking it at the end, so hopefully I’ll like To the Lighthouse even if it does frustrate me.

      1. nep*

        The End of the Affair–it’s on my to-be-read-again list. It’s been years. I’ve liked a couple things by Graham Greene–other things not so much. I’ve got that one on the shelf; I’m going to flip through it today to remind myself what my experience was with it.

    3. LizB*

      I had to read it for a class in college and I just could not get through it. It was the absolute weirdest thing – I’d try to read and my eyes would just skitter off away from the page. I would be stuck on the same page for several minutes and realize after I finally made it to the next page that I had no idea what I had just read. I ended up listening to an audiobook version while following along on the page in an attempt to absorb at least some of the plot into my brain. I’ve never had that happen with any other book before or since.

  72. Wannabe Disney Princess*

    Man.

    Today is one of those days where that little voice in my head.

    Will.

    Not.

    Stop.

    “You’re not smart/kind/nice/pretty/compassionate/friendly/empathetic enough. You’re so lazy/worthless.” Etc, etc.

    I can, and do, argue back. And I know it’s because I’m under an exorbitant amount of stress at work so my defenses are a little bit down. I’m pretty good about shutting that crap down IMMEDIATELY under normal circumstances.

    I’m not a danger to myself or anything. (except maybe a pan of brownies later this afternoon)

    So if anyone has some self care tips…..bring ’em on.

    (Yes, I know I should consider therapy but my insurance is such crap it’s either that or rent sooooo….)

    1. No Tribble At All*

      I’m sorry the jerk voice is being a loud jerk today! If you’re looking for a distraction, my happy place on the internet is Zooborns. It’s a whole collection of articles (& lots of pictures!!) of baby zoo animals from around the world. Hope you feel better <3

      1. Wannabe Disney Princess*

        Perfect!

        I have a pretty good routine down, most of the time. But it isn’t working today.

        *Bounces off to look at baby animals*

      2. OyVey*

        A repetitive, pattern based game, like Tetris or anything similar. Pattern based games help disrupt the negative thought spiral.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Get a drink with electroplates in it. Minerals are good for brain function and it sounds like you have a tired brain. Get some rest, this does not mean hours of tv/computer/whatever, it means actual sleep. You might find getting more protein to be supportive also.

      If the self correcting is not working then try the postponing technique, I usually could get that to work when affirmations did not help that much. Postponing looks like this: “I will think about it Monday when I go to work. Now is my time off and I will think about other things.”

    3. BahahaBlackSheep*

      I have some podcasts that I listen to when my brain is being too harsh. I can listen to them while I do other things and it distracts the mean parts of my brain.

      Borrow someones playful puppy–it’s really hard for that voice to say that when that puppy is all over you and thinks you’re the bee’s knees! ‘Hey puppy, do you think I’m nice enough’ will always be answered with sploots and play bites and wiggly bums.

    4. Chaordic One*

      If possible, sometimes the best thing to do is just turn off the tv and the radio and take a break from the internet and all distractions. If you feel you need something going on in the background, then try listening to some classical music. I find it calming. If that doesn’t work for you, you might also consider trying listening to a “Lo-fi” music channel on YouTube.

      It might be helpful to take a walk for half an hour or so. Do what you can at home to take care of yourself. Do some laundry, some cleaning, some dishes. Get yourself ready to go back to work.

    5. Triple Anon*

      What are you good at? Is there anything you can do that will be appreciated by others? It could be anything from art to helping someone who needs help with something. I find that to be a win-win. You make someone else’s day (or life) better and then you can bask in the glow of their appreciation! (Disclaimer: Not everyone shows their appreciation openly and some people are just not appreciative, but if you do nice things for enough people, you’ll get some really nice compliments and you’ll get to feel better about yourself.)

    6. Bacon Pancakes*

      Ugh, that voice has been very loud and persistent at night lately. Mostly about the Place That Shall Not Be Named. Really makes me feel like I have nothing to give when I go INTO the Place That Shall Not Be Named, and the cycle persists.

  73. nep*

    AAAAAGGGHHH–neighbour’s using a power washer or something very loud. I hope they finish soon. I know it’s a necessary thing and they’re not doing anything wrong but damn it’s annoying when trying to enjoy a quiet Saturday.

  74. Victoria Nonprofit (USA)*

    Literary fiction about dysfunctional families:

    Mildly dysfunctional: The Resurrection of Joan Ashby

    More dysfunctional: The Heart’s Invisible Furies, The Brothers K

    Massively, horrifically, painfully dysfunctional: A Little Life

    I have to give a caveat to A Little Life: It’s beautiful — probably my favorite novel, ever — but SO INCREDIBLY PAINFUL. It cannot be overstated how heartbreaking this book is. I rarely recommend it, even though I loved it.

    Another novel that needs a caveat: Boy, Snow, Bird. I also loved this novel… until the last dozen or so pages. I never give spoilers and won’t here, but a thing happens — unnecessary to the storytelling — that reveals something unpleasant about the author’s character that prevents me from endorsing the book.

    1. Middle School Teacher*

      I LOVED The Heart’s Invisible Furies. I ugly-cried multiple times. But John Boyne does that to me generally, and I’m not a big cryer.

  75. HannahS*

    Book/documentary recs wanted! I would love to read some history nonfiction about China, Japan, or India (really, East and South Asia in general). I feel terribly ignorant about the history and culture of these places, and I would love to begin to learn about them. But it feels overwhelming to start! I’m not looking for an overview necessarily, but something that focuses in on an interesting place, time, event (but not war), people, custom, etc. would be much appreciated. TIA!

    1. nep*

      Not really history, but I really enjoyed Peter Hessler’s two books River Town and Oracle Bones (about China). I just like his writing a lot, and fellow RPCV.
      I want to read The Rape of Nanking at some point–just never felt up to it, but I don’t reckon I really ever will. (The author ended up committing suicide–hers is a harrowing story.)

      1. HannahS*

        Thanks for the recs, and for your sensitivity in trying to change your language. I’m also attempting the “commiting suicide” to “died by suicide” shift (as well as general person-centered language), and sometimes it’s hard to remember.
        Yeah, I don’t think I’m up for the book you mentioned at this point. I’ve realized that when exploring history–which right now is something I do to decompress–my “way in” needs to be things like culture, food, industry, interesting tidbits, etc. I can’t handle diving in on politics, war, and tragedy, although I certainly appreciate their importance.

        1. nep*

          Right. I would have to be in a different state/situation to take that book on, important as it is. Not ignoring the history, just not where I want to dive right now.
          Re the suicide language–yup, it’s just been so common to hear and say ‘commit suicide,’ but I’m the first one to say it’s not a crime so I want to stay away from that language in case anyone were to take it that way.

    2. nep*

      A comment went into moderation because the r word is included–Anyway, concerning another term I used: I referred to someone ‘committing suicide’ and I gather that’s frowned upon by some. ‘Took her own life,’ or ‘died by suicide,’ perhaps some would prefer.

    3. Almost Violet Miller*

      I know you’re looking for non-fiction but if you’re interested in fiction as well I suggest to look into the work of Amitav Ghosh. I loved The Hungry Tide and his trilogy and feel like I have learnt a lot about history and culture (the Sundurbans in India or the Opium Wars).

      1. HannahS*

        Yeah, my father absolutely sung the praises of Amitav Ghosh, so I appreciate the reminder!

    4. Amber Rose*

      It’s not exactly history, but I have to recommend Hitching Rides With Buddha by Will Ferguson. He decided to hitchhike from one end of Japan to the other, following the cherry blossoms, and the resulting tale alternates between hilarity and heart wrenching. He talks a lot about the culture and history from the point of view of a Canadian immigrant.

      It’s just a fascinating read.

    5. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

      His writing style is pretty dense/intense, but if you like that sort of style then I highly recommend William Dalrymple for books on India. Also, if at some point you decide you do want overviews, I’d look at John Keay, who’s written overviews of Indian and Chinese history (although I’ve only read the one on India).

      I also know I’ve read at least one Jonathan Spence (historian who focuses on China) book, but I’m totally blanking on which one even though I know I liked it, so I guess I’m sort of recommending him? Xinran’s The Good Women of China was really interesting too.

    8. OyVey*

      Technically, a travel genre rather than history, but “Journey on the Grand Trunk Road.” The author follows one of the great highways across the Indian subcontinent and talks about the political situation and history along the way. It’s a bit dated now (I bought it new in the mid 90’s) but it’s an easily accessible starting point if you feel overwhelmed by the amount of history available!

    9. Femme D'Afrique*

      I really enjoyed “Wild Swans: Three Daughters of China” by Jung Chang. It’s about 3 generations of women, and Chang begins with her “grandmother, a warlord’s concubine; her mother’s struggles as a young idealistic Communist; and her parents’ experience as members of the Communist elite and their ordeal during the Cultural Revolution.” It’s a fascinating story, and I really enjoyed it.

      1. Harriet Jacobs*

        I’m currently reading The Silk Roads : a new history of the world by Peter Frankopan. It ties together China and Europe and everything in between. At times I am slightly overwhelmed by the constantly changing empires, rulers, etc. but it is a wonderful overview.

    10. Lady Jay*

      Wild Swans: Three Daughters of China by Jung Chang is fantastic. She describes the lives of her grandmother, her mother, and herself growing up in China; together, the three generations span the time from the imperialistic government to Mao (and all the great famines and social upheaval that went with it) to China’s opening.

      Also, Evan Osnos’s Age of Ambition is a really good look at modern China, especially its growing capitalism and continued restrictions on speech and politics.

  76. Phoenix Programmer*

    New update on my nephew N and our month of having him here as my sister tries? but self-sabotages her attempts to get away from abusive boyfriend.

    Well my hubby’s sister, SIL, came to visit unexpectedly. She is also not in a great home situation either but not as bad as my sister. Her visits are always last minute and usually short. She brought our niece, well call her M, to visit. M usually spends the night so of course we said yes when she asks if she can stay with us while she is here! Immediately after we told M yes SIL says “You know we are staying for a week right?” >.< Ugh!!! Are you kidding me? You wait until after we tell your daughter yes to tell us that? So we had M and N both for the past week. M is ADHD. Thankfully M and N got along along swimmingly and are close in age but man am I and hubby tired!

    N leaves on Tuesday and while I'll be glad to have the house back I am feeling sick to my stomach at the situation I'm sending him back too. I've told sister all her options, even offered for her to stay with me for free while she gets on her feet, and she has an excuse for why each option won't work. I think she's just not yet convinced that abusive boyfriends relationship is over. I've had to start cutting her off when she is venting to me about the terrible things her boyfriend has done as it's causing me too much stress to keep hearing about it while she ignores my advice. It's escalated to him installing spy apps on her phone and reading her texts, web searches, etc. which has me really worried! I've told her how to fix this – don't know that she has bothered. She's in a horrible cycle of paralyzed by fear, paralyzed by apathy, crushing anger at herself for being in the situation, then a smidgen of progress she usually then turns around and sabotages that progress through. For example she finally started looking at getting government and battered women's shelters assistance to move out. But then she went and adopted a cat!!!!! It's just been this kind of crap over and over. She finally saves up some money, then calls me crying that she put the money in their joint account to cover X bill and SURPRISE boyfriend took all the money on a weekend bender. As he has done every weekend for like the past 18 weeks.

    My home stress is a bit higher too. Sadly it turns out our fetus doesn't have a high enough heart beat. Maybe something maybe nothing. We'll find out in August. Fingers crossed for us!

    1. WellRed*

      Have you thought about limiting contact even further? But making clear to nephew you are there for him?

      1. Phoenix Programmer*

        I worry that without a bit of a life line she will spiral out of control. I’ve had to walk this line my whole life. Sister and I’s home life was awful. Our father was alcoholic and our late mother and grandmother had a very emotionally abusive and controlling relationship. I’ve managed to have some contact with them all without letting it all consume me.

    2. Detective Amy Santiago*

      This all sounds awful and I’m so sorry for your stress.

      One practical thought – can you get your sister a cheap, pay as you go ‘burner’ type phone? Something she can keep tucked away but have in case of emergency?

      1. Phoenix Programmer*

        I am convinced she would share it with her boyfriend. That’s what she has been doing. I spent $1200 to go to her in May and help her move and she made it practically impossible to spend time together and help her look. Had excuse after excise to be at the house waiting for BF. It’s completely illogical but a common response in these situations as I understand it.

    4. Anonymous Ampersand*

      I missed the part about the heartbeat not being high enough. Living in limbo is not fun. I hope you know what’s happening as soon as possible and that if the news is bad people look after you. But I hope the news is good.

      1. Anonymous Ampersand*

        Also re your sister, I’ve heard good things about “to be an anchor in the storm” and am thinking I need to get a copy myself. I hope it helps.

    5. Observer*

      This sounds rough.

      Can you get N his own phone, so that you can have contact with him that’s not mediated by his mother (and her terrible boyfriends)?

      You’re really being a hero for being so there for the kid. If it’s practical to throw him this extra lifeline, that might be really useful to him.

  77. Wren*

    If you haven’t already read it (it was published in 2001) I recommend All Families Are Psychotic by Douglas Coupland for the literary fiction about dysfunctional families genre (which is also my jam) though this family qualifies as far more than “mildly” dysfunctional. My mom discribed it as having the “humour of Margaret Atwood with the compassion of Margaret Laurence.”

    Mark Haddon (best known for the rightly beloved The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time) also has two novels I enjoyed where the dysfunctional families are accurately mildly dysfunctional: A Spot of Bother, and The Red House.

  78. Critter*

    The family in this novel is well beyond “mildly” dysfunctional, but I highly recommend “Behind the Scenes at the Museum,” by Kate Atkinson. It shows the problems in the main character’s family and how she works through them, but also traces things back generations to show where the dysfunction came from.

    1. Green Kangaroo*

      YES! I’ve loved everything by Kate Atkinson. My favorite is “Started Early, Took My Dog” but they are all good, in different ways.

  79. Mazzy*

    How do you pick a charity to donate to? I am using Charity Navigator, but I’m not even sure what their ratings should mean to me. Is it necessarily a bad thing that some Executive Directors make “real” salaries? What should the cutoff be? If an ED makes $100K for a charity bringing in $5M, is that too much? Should I care?

    Also, does anyone know how these charities find me? I donated to one for bees, now I’m getting letters for one doing a butterfly campaign. I donated to one horse charity and now I get mail from ten rescue farms. The inbound mail is getting overwhelming.

    And I hate the trend of gluing coins to the requests, to guilt me into sending money. All it does is make the paper unrecycleable, the coins too dirty to use, and me just as likely to donate.

    1. HannahS*

      I put much less thought into it than you do! I pick a cause that matters to me and a charity that does that work. If there’s a choice, I prefer to give to secular charities over religious ones unless I’m specifically giving to an organization within my own religious community. I try to judge whether or not their work is sustainable and helpful in the long term (unless we’re talking emergency relief, of course). Then I just give the money, the end. For me, I risk getting overwhelmed and not donating, so I just do it to have it done.

    2. Victoria Nonprofit (USA)*

      As a lifetime employee of nonprofits, I urge you not to make decisions about where to donate based on staff salaries or the percentage of donated dollars that go to “overhead” vs. “mission.” Donor focus on “overhead” causes nonprofits to chase low “overhead” at the expense of long-term success. It’s the quarterly profits problem of the nonprofit sector.

      “Overhead” is as essential to achieving the mission as the actual dollars spent on “mission” work. To run an organization with a mission to protect bees you need strong management (and ongoing training and development for staff); you need computers and desks and chairs; you need heat and water and air conditioning; you need accountants and an annual mandatory financial audit; you need robust data security; you need an HR department and sexual harassment training; you need paper and highlighters and ink for your printers; etc. And all of that is “overhead.”

      As for how organizations find you: they buy lists. You donated to an organization with an environmental focus, and they sold their donor data to another organization. It sucks, for sure.

      1. Mazzy*

        This is kind of the answer I was looking for. I’m struggling between “they put too much money to paying people!” and “how can they expect someone to dedicate their life to this if they don’t pay well!”

        1. Woodswoman*

          Victoria Nonprofit is spot on. Fortunately, there’s a movement to reframe the myth about overhead compromising the integrity of nonprofits. There’s an excellent website–The Overhead Myth–that describes how “in 2013, GuideStar, BBB Wise Giving Alliance, and Charity Navigator wrote an open letter to the donors of America in a campaign to end the Overhead Myth—the false conception that financial ratios are the sole indicator of nonprofit performance.” There’s a good TED Talk about this topic as well by Dan Pallotta, who explains the importance of evaluating impact. Check out his talk, The Way We Think About Charity is Dead Wrong.

          I’m connected to nonprofit fundraising both professionally and as a donor. The key to getting off mailing lists for groups that share their lists is to make sure when you make a donation that let them know they do not have your permission to share your information with anyone else. This has worked well for me if you do it from day one.

          On the occasion when I’ve missed stating this early on and find myself getting on lists, I send my request to get off a list using the organization’s reply envelope with their form enclosed, writing to please take me off their list. I do, however, stick a stamp on there so they don’t have to pay the postage as a small way of helping them out.

          1. Mazzy*

            Good into and thanks for letting me know there’s a Ted Talk, I’m going to look it up on youtube when I have time tomorrow

    3. Dan*

      I’m not much for donating to charities, and while I don’t work for one either, I do work for a non-profit in metro DC. My org compensates us fairly.

      My take? As a “lay” person, you should only care that the org is paying market rate for their employees’ services. This includes the ED. I actually make slightly more than $100k (although not by much) and I’m an individual contributor doing data analysis and software development.

      Given the cost of living in DC, I’d have a hard time thinking that an ED of a “real” organization is overpaid or wasting resources making what I make. I’ve had a few different jobs over the years, and one thing I’ve learned is that good leadership doesn’t grow on trees, and when it’s found, it should be compensated appropriately.

      Look at it another way — the ED could make less money, but if they really suck at their job, it’s money wasted no matter how much or how little they’re getting paid.

    4. FD*

      I tend to select local charities/charities with local branches first for both my time and financial support, because then I can see how they work and how their reputation is. To me, it doesn’t make sense to worry about their staff making too much (though I would be concerned if I heard they paid their line level staff way below market), as long as they do good work.

      Obviously this isn’t practical if the issues you feel is most important are being worked on far away (e.g. helping fight epidemics far from where you live), but if your issues are things that are present in your community, that can be the easiest way to start.

      1. FD*

        For example, I support a local food shelf. Many people I know have spoken well of them, and their overall Google Review score is very high (with nearly all reviews written by clients). I’m also impressed with how they’ve worked with local businesses, farmers, and other organization to stretch their donation dollars as far as possible so they can provide fresh food, dairy, and sometimes meat, as well as dry or canned goods (which is often a challenge for a lot of food shelf organizations).

    5. Jessen*

      So what’s everyone’s nicknames for their furry companions? Mine has several:
      – Floof (generally applicable to a longhair)
      – Miss Priss (usually when she’s whining because her bowl is half-empty or because the blankets aren’t arranged to her liking)
      – Ridiculous Ball of Fur (I’ll let cat owners imagine this one)
      – Scritch Addict (self-explanatory)

      1. Jessen*

        Gah, why is this here? I’m going to repost it lower down rather than eat up comment space here

    6. Red Sky*

      Charities share/sell donor lists, but you can ask that they not share your information when you make a donation. You can also request for no future contact or only one solicitation a month or year (basically what you’re comfortable with). You can also specify what form that contact should take, ie mail, phone, email etc A good charity will respect your wishes, and if they don’t then maybe they don’t deserve your money. I say this as a former employee for a very large and well respected non-profit that paid a living wage, had great health benefits, and relied heavily on donations.

      1. BunnyWatsonToo*

        You can also go online to Catalog Choice to remove yourself from mailing lists. I’ve used it to remove myself from 30 charities/causes since I donated to just two in early 2017. There’s a few that you can’t do through Catalog Choice but overall it’s very effective and easy.

    7. Rick Tq*

      Pick a local arts organization! You will be able to see and benefit from your contributions and perhaps gain a voice in how the organization is run.

      We donate to our local symphony orchestra. They do lots of music in schools programs and other outreach programs.

    8. Rick Tq*

      Also set yourself a budget for donations and stick to it. It doesn’t matter how hard the next letter tugs on your heartstrings if your donation budget for the month is tapped out.

    9. Observer*

      Victoria Nonprofit is spot on. And, in fact, if overhead is too low, that’s a big red flag for me. Because here is how organizations generally get to such low overhead numbers:

      1. They are fortunate to be the recipient of a lot of skilled volunteer work and donations that are not being accounted for in the budget numbers. And, while the donations can be good, if they are not accounted for, why is that? What’s the deal with how stuff is being recorded / reported. Also, in many cases the work / donations are not what the organization needs. eg I remember working with one organization who “couldn’t” pay an accountant, so an accountant from within their community volunteered. And totally messed up on a number of their filings, because he was not sufficiently familiar with the relevant regulations.

      2. “Volunteer” labor that is not legal, ie staff being pressured to work off the clock if they can’t get stuff done.

      3. Taking advantage of people. Either ridiculously low salaries or expecting outrageous hours from exempt staff. It’s one thing if someone who is making the mid 6 figures is expected to put in 60 hours on a regular basis. But, if someone is making $40K and doing that, something is very, very wrong. And you can’t keep your best staff that way – they burn out and leave either the field or to another place that treats them with more respect.

      4. Hiding costs. It’s generally not deliberate, which actually makes it worse, because it deprives the organization of information it needs. eg Program x has approximately 10 hours a week of reporting and paperwork that is mandated by law, regulation or funder contracts. 80% of this paperwork could be done by a program assistant who gets paid a lower salary, but we can’t hire one because that’s “overhead”. So instead the Masters’ level program director has to spend 8 hours a week on this, because that salary is considered “program” not “overhead”. And, of course, no one is breaking out the time so no one inside the organization really sees what the true cost of the service is.

    1. Anonymous Ampersand*

      Heh, I believe that I read Everything I Never Told You after Alison recommended it here, so you’re definitely on the right lines :)

  81. Vancouver Reader*

    This isn’t fiction, but I just finished reading The Power or Habit by Charles Duhigg and really enjoyed it. He uses real life examples to show how people can change habits they don’t like into positive ones. I’m hoping to use it as inspiration to get off my butt and do something useful.

  82. Nervous Accountant*

    My moms traveling again to stay w my sibling for 10 days. She was here for a month and it was ok. I would come home and sit with my husband before going to sleep, leave early for work, and spend hours doing errands & groceries on the weekends. Basically avoiding.

    She asks me if I can take a week off to travel w her to visit him again next year. I said idk if I can but you go ahead and she exploded that I treat her like crap, I don’t spend any time w her and that i cry so much over my father but I treated him the same way when he was alive. I’m going to cry for her when she dies too.

    1. I don’t get why she wants to spend time w me if I’m such a shitty person
    2. She’s right. When my dad was alive he wanted me to spend more time with them. But I didn’t. And I regret it. And I will probably regret this too.
    3. I really don’t want to travel anywhere. With her or alone or with anyone. Period. I’m already taking 2 weeks off in January to travel. I’m too damn tired and broke to keep traveling.

    I basically can’t win—we spend time together we fight. If we don’t she erupts and is fine after literally 2 minutes. Meanwhile I cry for hours and hours over the things she says.

    2. Nervous Accountant*

      I hate to admit it but she is right. As much as I love and miss my dad and I wish he were here…. The ugly shameful truth is that I didn’t love spending a lot of time w my parents and I still don’t enjoy spending time w my mother bc of how she was/is. Back then We did normal stuff like going out for meals or gifts, but just hanging around talking for hours Rarely happened esp when I began working. And it wasn’t unintentional I’m ashamed to admit. My dad was nothing like her but i still got annoyed.

      1. Lissa*

        That seems really normal to me and not bad….of everyone I know even people with no toxicity or anything, only one of my friends really “hangs out” with her parents in the way she might with friends. I think it’s awsome when that relationship can happen but it is not actually very common.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      She’s not going to change.

      1. She wants you around more so she can dump off some more of that anger that she carries around.
      2.Why would anyone want to be around people who put them down and fight with them all the time?
      3. Right. Do not travel if you do not want to.

      No, you will never win with her. You are getting this. It is what you see.

      1. Kat in VA*

        I agree. Your mom is playing the, “If you’d just ____, then everything will be fine” game. The problem is, ____ will change without notice or reason.

        So you agree to travel with her? Great. If you’d just *talk* to her more while you’re traveling, she wouldn’t get mad. So now you’re talking to her more while you’re traveling? Fine. If you’d just be more interested in what SHE has to say on this trip, everything would be FINE. She’s doing all the talking on this trip? Why don’t you ever TALK to me about anything?!?!?!?

        “Just do everything I say, magically divine everything I want without me telling you, proactively anticipate my needs and my feelings, and all will be well. Oops, nope, you screwed up, time to get yelled at!” *cracks knuckles*

        Lather, rinse, repeat.

        She’ll constantly move the goalposts on what it is YOU have to do to avoid making HER angry so she can keep on getting angry because obviously, the problem is you and not her. (That’s not the case. That’s her justification to make this behavior okay.). It’s a horrible, pervasive form of emotional bondage and it’s never, ever fun – and you can never, ever “win” by doing it all right because there will always be something, somewhere, sometime they can harp about. The fact that it’s your mom makes it so much more stressful and confusing because hey, Mom, I’m your child – aren’t you supposed to love me, faults and all? Do I have to perform in a certain manner for you to treat me with basic human decency? Why is it you only love me when I’m trying to do exactly what you want?

        Even if you tapdance perfectly in the moment and they can’t find one.single.thing you’re doing wrong, they’ll resort to dredging up something you did in the past and go after you about that. (“Remember that time you did The Thing when we were at The Event and I was so mad? I AM STILL SO MAD ABOUT THAT, HOW COULD YOU, WHY DID YOU DO THAT, YOU’RE AN AWFUL PERSON.” Aaaaand, we’re off!)

        The reaaalllly awful folks will move past the ‘doing it perfect now’, ‘didn’t do it perfect in the past’, and will shoot straight through to *future* possible scenarios where clearly you’ll screw it all up and they’ll be so disappointed because “You always do this, and when this future thing happens, you will screw that all up too.” Past, present, future – all tied up in a tidy little bow of what an awful person you are!

        Can you tell I’ve been here?

        I’m sorry. Toxic family is so very difficult, and in addition to everything else, she’s oh-so-horribly using your guilt over your dad to try to force you into doing things you don’t want to do (like travel with her). Life’s too short to spend it with people who make you feel bad. I wish I had more advice for you, but here are several understanding hugs if you want them.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Well said.

          A friend and I were just talking about this type of thing.
          We feel we “owe” them because they raised us.
          The parallel does not hold up well though. As kids we were dependent on them not by choice but because we were kids. We ALLOWED them to help us. We WANTED to grow and become autonomous adults. This is not to say everything went smoothly, but the overall goal was accomplished. We grew up and started our own lives. We had some gratitude about us.

          What she is doing her is repeatedly choosing to be totally dependent on OP. She is not letting OP help her. She does not want to function on her own. She wants OP to give up her own life so OP can sit beside mom all day. She is not showing any gratitude that is lasting/sustained.

          OP, honestly, she will have you in the ER but she will sit home and be fine. I know. I have seen it first hand. This type of neediness can break our own health. Don’t wait until you are laying on a gurney in the ER to decide that some changes need to happen. The doctor told me I had total exhaustion. I was to go to bed for a month and stay there. Foolishly, I only stayed in bed for four days and then I was back at it again. It ruined my health for YEARS. It took easily 12 years to get back some semblance of health/strength. Which in turn caused other problems such as money concerns, etc.

    4. FD*

      It might be helpful to think about this–If you do spend time with her, will you be making memories you will treasure later when she’s gone?

      Yeah, you’re probably going to have regrets when she dies. We all have regrets, I think. But it’s important, I think, to distinguish between “I regret that I didn’t get to have the relationship with her that I wanted” and “I didn’t make the relationship a priority.”

      It’s pretty unlikely she’s going to change. It’s possible that the relationship you want, the relationship where you can both be adult human beings who respect each other and try not to be flaming a**holes to each other? That might never exist, and it’s OK to grieve for that, both now and later!

      But the reality is that she is the one who is making it hard to make good memories now. Captain Awkward has a lot of really good advice on this, but a lot of it boils down to “Sometimes, the best you can expect from a relationship is to train the other person that if they act badly, they don’t get what they want. And that means not telling them about the things that matter, or having a relationship about as deep as a puddle.”

      It sucks and it’s not fair, though.

      1. tangerineRose*

        Captain Awkward has a lot of useful advice on toxic relatives. Your mother sounds very hard to be around – it seems healthy to avoid her when you can.

    5. ..Kat..*

      Can you DO an activity with her when she visits? That way the focus is off of you and on the activity. Go to a museum, visit a craft show, etc?

    6. Anon777*

      That sucks! I hope that things could get better. No matter what, there is only so much that one person can do in a parent-child relationship.

      I would definitely agree to check out Captain Awkward for advice/things to try and say. I also agree with Indie to try and make more time together = speaking to me ok, to the point of saying it directly. I have had some progress doing this with my mom, but it was only after years of having to take breaks and trying again later.

  83. Indie*

    Yeah but the angry outburst was unacceptable. It’s not you who is making it hard to be around her.

    I’d go with: “I can’t say yes now because this would be rewarding the angry outburst you had at me. I was genuinely thinking it over but now I can’t until I feel reassured you get this. I may say no sometimes. I may say yes. Any angry outburst , or any suggestion that I’m not allowed to say no will be an automatic no. Let’s not do this trip but I do hope we have a nice talk sometime soon. After that who knows”

    And model good behaviour by not getting angry at her, but avoiding her instead unless she’s pleasant. Be explicit: pleasant = time, anger = avoidance. With luck she’ll get it before it’s regret land.

  84. Lcsa99*

    For anyone who has worked with clay or similar mediums, do you secure your piece somehow when you’re sanding it down to finish it? I spent so many hours on this one piece (with sculpey, so not “real” clay, but still…) that I am terrified I will drop it. I know I probably just need to get over it, but curious if anyone else deals with this anxiety.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Can you put it on a lazy susan?

      Can you put it on the floor and work with it on the floor? Am thinking of using throw rugs as a pad underneath it?

      I’ve had too much experience breaking things and so I now understand that a wood floor is more forgiving than a concrete floor. I dropped a glass on the kitchen (wood) floor last night and it was fine. If you will be working on a table make sure your table is sturdy and does not wobble. I have to clear the work space because I will be so focused on Project that I can trip or knock something and break my project.
      If there is a lot of sanding maybe quit when you get tired and come back to it tomorrow. Sometimes I get tired and forget to quit then I start having problems with my project.

      1. Lcsa99*

        Putting something under is a great idea. It’s small enough that I have to hold it so I can’t really keep it on something like a lazy susan, but I can give it some protection if it does fall.

        And I am absolutely taking plenty time to rest (almost said plenty of breaks haha).

        Thanks!

    2. Kat in VA*

      I have no useful responses but I’m inordinately curious to know what you’re making! Figurine, bowl, vase, plate…my imagination is running wild over here!

      1. Lcsa99*

        I don’t know if you saw my post a couple weeks ago for costume ideas, but we decided to go with the David Bowie theme. I am going as Jareth from labryrinth, so I am making his necklace! (You can see it most clearly when he’s singing Dance Magic).

        I though I had a picture with it further along and before I painted (finished the sanding late Sunday afternoon) but the link to follow is an early shot, before I inserted the crazily detailed center piece and probably before I spent ages trying to get the two hooks even.

          1. Alice Ulf*

            That is AWESOME! I hope the finishing goes well (and that you’ll post more pics as you get further along)!

  85. Ali G*

    Speaking of books I have a huge confession to make. I am 39 (about to be 40 actually) and I am, for the first time ever, reading Harry Potter. I started the first book this week. My husband is thrilled! lol

    I feel like I am the only person on the planet who hasn’t read these books (or seen the movies). It will be nice to join the rest of the world :)

    BTW the reason I chose these is because Hubs has all the books in hardback. I usually read on my Kindle but I am having trouble sleeping so I am trying the “no screen time” before bed thing. So far it’s working, so something for me to consider going forward because I really like to read for about an hour before bed.

    1. Lcsa99*

      Ha! My husband and I were just talking about this earlier this morning. I’ve seen the movies, but haven’t read all the books. We bought them all, but since my “to read” bookcases are so full, it’s taken me years to get through just the first four. I WILL eventually finish them!

      I think you’ll enjoy them though, if your good with that type of book.

    2. LilySparrow*

      I’m well into my 40’s and only read the first book. I’m seeing the movies now with my kids.

      When they first came out, they were very much considered children’s books, and didn’t really appeal to me in my stage of life. I enjoyed Book 1, but it didn’t instill a burning desire for more. By time they became a cultural “thing,” I just put them on my “sounds cool, read sometime” list but didn’t bother making time for.

      Also, I already know the major reversals/spoilers because: pop culture memes, so I kind of feel like that’s a LOT of pages to invest for no surprises.

    3. Mimmy*

      Nope, you are most definitely not the last human to not have read the books or seen the movies. I think I tried to watch the very first one years ago but could not get into it.

          1. Paquita*

            And another (59). We saw the very end of one of the movies when DH was in the hospital earlier this year but I don’t even know which one.

    5. nep*

      I’m 51. Never read a Harry Potter book, never seen any of it in film or on TV. No intention of doing any of the above. No interest.

    6. Forking great username*

      How are you liking it so far? My husband has never read them either, whereas I was a bookworm who was just the right age to really grow up with the series/characters. So he’ll get to read it when our kids are a bit older and I start reading it to them.

    7. Nope*

      I haven’t, either. They first came out just as I was starting a phase of life involving 2 jobs and being a full time student. Even though I love to read, it just wasn’t going to happen.

    8. Lady Kelvin*

      My husband (31) finally watched the movies with me last year after I asked for the boxed set for Christmas. He surprisingly enjoyed them. He grew up in a house where Harry Potter was the devil (his parents are typically awesome but sometimes I seriously roll my eyes at them) and he wasn’t a big reader until I introduced him to books he would actually enjoy reading. Now he reads as much as I do. I’m not going to talk about how we drive the love of reading out of people by forcing them to read books they don’t enjoy…
      Anyways I’m currently rereading them and apparently one of his favorite podcasters just mentioned that he was reading the books to his children for the first time and he found himself several hours later with sleeping children still reading, and my husband said, well maybe I should try them. I already told him that he’ll read them eventually because we will be reading them to our future children, and since I’m pregnant, those future children are not so future. :)

      So my point is, don’t feel bad that you haven’t read them. I feel bad for people my age who hasn’t read them because the first book came out when I was 12 and I basically grew up with them. I read the last book lying on my freshman dorm room’s floor until the wee hours and I appreciated how the problems they faced and their relationships changed at the same time and in the same way mine were. But it is never to late to enjoy them.

    9. Former Employee*

      I haven’t read the Harry Potter books, haven’t seen the movies. Probably won’t.

      When “The Exorcist” first came out, someone I worked with at the time was convinced I’d eventually see the movie because everyone else had, I’d feel left out – whatever. Nope. Never read the book, never saw the movie.

      And as much as I am into some of the classics, I’ve never read anything by Tolstoy (at least, not that I remember), found Jane Austin boring (I loved the original movie of “Pride and Prejudice” with Laurence Olivier and Greer Garson, a couple of truly gorgeous humans) and found “Wuthering Heights” fairly horrifying. I could go on, but then I’d be as boring as…never mind.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Exorcist. I think it helps to like horror. I sat through it. It wasn’t for me. I don’t remember much about it either.

      2. Anonymosity*

        There are a ton of classics I haven’t read, and I’m a writer and was an English major!

        The Exorcist? Well, if you’re not a horror fan, I wouldn’t expect you to read it. I was an adult when I read Harry Potter. But I enjoy reading children’s books. I got into the habit of checking them out of the library when I was in college and had to read a ton of heavy stuff–the kids’ books didn’t require analysis and were quick and easy reads.

    10. Lulubell*

      I am 42 and have not read a single HP book or seen any of the movies. They came out when I was either in college or my early 20’s, and YA/fantasy novels were just not on my radar. By the time they became big enough that my friends/peers started reading them, there were just so many it was overwhelming to think about starting. One day, maybe.

    11. Bacon Pancakes*

      I am 37 and only started reading them when I was 23. I am beyond excited because my paperback copy of Book 5 (Order of the Phoenix) finally broke out the spine and ripped the cover so I get to replace it with a hardback!

    12. ..Kat..*

      I have an iPad. At night, I use night mode – less blue light. And I set my book app to be a black background with light gray printing. So, the only way light coming from my iPad is the letters.

    13. Observer*

      Paper books are not a bad idea. But in addition, it’s probably a good idea to use “night mode” or a blue light filter on your electronics. Not just the kindle, but everything you own, including your computer.

      F.Lux works on windows. Twilight works on older androids, and the newer ones mostly have the filter built in. I’m betting that the Kindle’s have something similar.

    14. Anonymosity*

      Read WHATEVER YOU WANT. I still have all my kids’ books and I read and re-read them frequently! I’d hoped to have a kid to share them with, but that hasn’t happened, though I still have a tiny bit of hope. I won’t get rid of them, however; I like them too much.

      For those who don’t want to read them, that’s fine too. No one here does it, but I dislike when someone who doesn’t want to read/watch a thing acts like the person reading it is a baby, stupid, etc.

    15. Merci Dee*

      Oh, I hope you love them! I had graduated from college and was in my mid-20s when I first read the books. Granted, they were conceived as children’s books, but they didn’t really stay that way. The books grew in maturity and depth as the characters did, and that was one of my favorite things about them.

      I was more thrilled than I can say when I saw my daughter pick up my copy of The Sorcerer’s Stone and settle in for some reading.

  86. Amber Rose*

    Small update: as predicted I did not go camping with friend who didn’t reserve a site, because the campground was full.

    Well. There was a spot in overflow but I had to put my foot down. It sucked driving all the way out there for nothing but it would have sucked more to spend 48 hours in an open field with no shade or privacy.

    So I came back, went to the office to work out some frustration and anger in Beat Saber, and I guess husband thought I was dead because my shoes and keys were downstairs but I wasn’t.

    Like. There are a finite number of rooms. Maybe check the literally only other room aside from bed/bathroom before contemplating calling the cops.

    But I’m pretty salty from stress so I’m trying to avoid talking to anyone about anything lest I say too much.

      1. Amber Rose*

        No. He called me a bunch of times and then his mom, who has way more sense, just opened the door to the office and said hi.

  87. Marina*

    How often do you wash your hair? I usually do it every day, except Friday and Saturday. When I get my hair done, the stylist said to not wash it every day and that she only washes her hair once a week.

    1. CBE*

      Every other day is my sweet spot. I think there’s no one “right” that works for all hair types.

    2. Kendra*

      Usually every 2 days, sometimes 3-4 if I take a shower without washing my hair. It gets itchy if I leave it without washing that long, but dry shampoo helps it not look greasy and brushing it out really well helps with the itchiness.

    3. Kate Daniels*

      Every day. I have straight hair that I almost always air dry (except during the winter). I’ve tried every other day a few times in the past, but it always felt greasy on the second day and I was self conscious that it might also be smelly.

      1. Jessen*

        Pretty sure mine can look greasy midway through the day. Of course, I finally got tired and buzzed it off.

        1. nep*

          So often tempted to mow mine down again. Had it buzzed (at a 2) and in many ways it was heavenly.

          1. Jessen*

            I’ve decided to learn to do my own. I bought some scarves in anticipation of this, of course.

            1. nep*

              Once mine was buzzed, I absolutely loved trimming it every morning or every other morning. What a great feeling. And once it’s that short, tough to make any mistakes–just be sure you’ve got the right guide on the clippers, firmly in place.

    4. Middle School Teacher*

      Twice a week, or if I use a ton of product (like hairspray for an updo). It took a whole summer for me to “train” my hair but now it’s routine.

      1. ..Kat..*

        My hair refuses to be trained. Just like my breasts – or maybe I just had a defective training bra!

      2. Pat Benetardis*

        I have thin, oily hair and have been washing every day since I was a teen. I would like to Reduce this (and in fact did not wash them, only rinsed and conditioned the end).

        If you don’t wash everyday, do you wet and style it? Do you keep layering styling products in (I use some anti frizz stuff daily).

        1. Middle School Teacher*

          I don’t wet it everyday. I have a ton of hair. I either have to wash it at night so it can dry all night, or it takes a good 45 minutes to blow dry, so wetting it everyday is not practical. I rock the high bun at night, and use dry shampoo to keep it under control. (I like the Cake dry shampoo because it comes in different colours).

    5. FD*

      I hear it depends a lot on hair type!

      I have to shampoo mine every day or it gets greasy and my scalp itches like fire. But oddly, I only have to condition once a week.

    6. Lcsa99*

      By washing I assume you mean shampoo specifically. I usually shampoo once a week (though two would probably be better) and condition every time I shower. If my hair gets wet it really needs the help of conditioner but I’ve noticed it isn’t as floofy if I let the natural oils stay as long as I can stand. I don’t shower as much as I should on weekends unless I am going out or doing something particularly messy, otherwise I would be conditioning 7 days a week.

    7. Mimmy*

      I used to wash it every other day almost without fail, but lately, I’ve been washing it at least every 3 days. My scalp gets itchy too if I go too long, particularly around the nape of my neck.

    8. ThatGirl*

      Every other day, on off days I wet it and lightly condition the ends. (I shower every day.) my hair is short, dyed, fine and thick, and I finally realized washing every day was just drying it out and dulling my color. But I do wet it down every morning to restyle. It’s true that most people don’t need to wash every day.

    9. Anonymous Hair*

      Also once a week for both shampoo and conditioner for me. I have dry skin–and subsequently dry hair–that gets easily irritated otherwise.

    11. nep*

      I usually just rinse it in the shower–once in a while wash with shampoo. I cannot stand my hair for two / three days after washing it; it’s such a flat awful mess. How to remedy that? Would a different kind of shampoo help?

      1. Hair to Here*

        Almost certainly, yes. What hair type do you have? Is it fine, thick, curly, wavy, straight, long, short, colour treated etc? Finding the right shampoo and conditioner should give you a good start. You might also want some volumising styling products to add after washing it, to give it the shape you want it to have.

        But fundamentally if it’s a “flat awful mess” after washing, that suggests that something about the washing is not working as it should. Try a volumising shampoo and conditioner to start with – that should help with the flat part at least.

      2. Thursday Next*

        Maybe try a clarifying shampoo for a while? Also, is your water hard? I find hard water doesn’t rinse out as well.

        Hair to Here is right—so much depends on your hair’s length and texture. Give us more deets and maybe we can help!

      3. nep*

        Thanks. My hair’s straight, though it will hold a wave from being up for a while so it’s not that fine, poker-straight hair. Not really excessively dry or oily. (It’s currently about at my shoulders, at about 18 months since I left it to grow back after a buzz.)
        Whenever I wash it with shampoo, for the following few days it’s just a limp mess. Even a pony tail looks awful because it’s just so shapeless and lies there. I’ve not experimented much with products at all–but I want to. (I’m wondering whether my hair gives off a bad odor if I’m just rinsing it rather than using shampoo?)
        Appreciate any pointers.

        1. Thursday Next*

          Hmm. In texture and not too oily, not too dry-ness, it sounds similar to mine. Two more questions: do you use conditioner? And do you air or blow dry?

          It’s a bit unusual to go from flat after washing to less flat a few days later—is that your pattern? My best guess would be to try out a clarifying shampoo for a bit, then maybe a gentle shampoo. It’s possible your current shampoo is leaving some residue that brushing over a few days helps disperse. If you use conditioner, I suggest not applying it to the scalp. (I usually apply from the neck down. For shampoo, I apply to the scalp only, and let the runoff wash the rest of my hair unless my hair has gotten really sweaty or I’ve been swimming. Then I use shampoo all over.)

          See how that goes. Again, YMMV, but my hair sometimes looks fuller if I blow dry, not because of product necessarily, but because I lift my hair and aim the dryer at the roots, which gives it lift. I don’t like to do this for very long, because I try to minimize heat styling to protect my hair from heat damage. Today I used no product; sometimes I’ll use a light volumizing spray and/or a detangler.

          Let us know in a week or two how you’ve applied all this research!

          1. WellRed*

            My hair is also similar. It gets fuller has more after a day or due to natural oils or what have.

            1. Thursday Next*

              That makes sense—a natural oils vs. shampoo thing.

              I think my hair looks better the day after washing, probably because the oils have redistributed. Better, but not fuller.

              It just shows how wonderfully varied and variable hair can be!

        2. Indie*

          I wash my hair once a week.
          -I wonder if replacing shampoo with lo-poo would help? It’s supposed to be a thing for curlies/wavies because sulphates strip our hair so much as to be dry/frizzy which is an issue because oils struggle to coat a twisty shaft. But I have heard a theory that sulphate stripping sometimes encourages the scalp to go overboard with oil which would make hair too limp.
          -Silicone in conditioner calms hair down but too much or build up will keep hair weighed down. Never mix lo-poo with silicone conditioners as the lo-poo isn’t strong enough to wash off the silicone. It’s actually easy to accidentally pick up a lo-poo.
          -Try clarifying. Apple cider vinegar rinse is a good cheapie clarifier if you want to test this without spending cash.

      4. Bethany D*

        Can anyone help me too? I only wash with shampoo every couple of weeks because my long, wavy hair gets SO dry and frizzy after washing. Even though I slather on the conditioner in the shower it still feels nasty once it’s dry, and it takes a few days before enough natural oil builds up to start smoothing things out again. Any recommendations for what should I try? It’s especially hard because I have dandruff, which I know could be improved with more frequent washing, but then my hair would dry into a matted permafrizz. So maybe an anti-volumizing shampoo? :P

        1. Thursday Next*

          I have a recommendation for dandruff—coconut oil. I put it liberally on my scalp every so often or when I notice dry patches on my scalp, for an hour or so before shampooing, and really massage it in. I also put it on all my hair. Then I shampoo my scalp only, and condition from my neck down.

          But maybe some curly-haired people will weigh in on your hair dryness issue!

        2. Indie*

          I have your dry hair and scalp! I solved it by going lo-poo (as per the curly girl method) so I use Shea Moisture shampoo (though there are other brands) which has coconut-derived coco-betaine in it, rather than the SLS in traditional shampoo. Look for ‘sulphate free’ shampoo. Sulphates are known to irritate some skin and also sulphates clean too well and strip the hair and scalp of (necessary for some) oils. Some curlies/wavies are so starved of moisture they have to go ‘no-poo’ which is using conditioner and friction alone to wash and freshen hair. Add silicone free conditioner to a curly girl routine.

        3. Middle School Teacher*

          I second the low-poo recommendation. Maybe try something like DevaCurl? I have a friend with insanely curly hair and she swears by it.

        4. Natalie*

          Definitely try an SLS free shampoo or the co-wash method. Dandruff can be caused by a lot of things and in your case it could be because you’re skin is too dry.

          If you use a dandruff shampoo already, you might want to try one with a different active ingredient. Nizoral is antifungal, T-Sal has salicylic acid which exfoliates, and so on.

    13. The New Wanderer*

      I wash it every time I work out hard or swim, so it can be every day (if I stay good about exercising!). If I haven’t worked out, I can go about 3 days before I feel like it needs a wash, and 4-5 before it obviously needs one. Every wash is shampoo + conditioner. Immediately after a wash, my hair is super fluffy, Day 2 is usually the best style-wise, and Day 3 is still pretty good but fading.

      I do think it’s highly dependent on your individual hair type, how dry/oily your scalp is, and when you feel your hair looks/feels its best, though. There’s zero chance I could go a whole week without washing my hair but if it works for your stylist, that’s good.

    14. LilySparrow*

      I wash every 2-3 days, depending on how hard I’m working out. I have short hair, swim about once a week, and am a heavy sweater when I work out. If I tried to only wash once a week it would be stinky and nasty.

    16. Thlayli*

      (Disclaimer I only know about where people’s hair): It’s really really bad for your hair to wash it every day. I wash it about twice a week but sometimes only once a week.

    17. CatCat*

      I do it once per week, but only because I have pink in my hair and that biz fades really fast.

    18. I'm A Little Teapot*

      It depends on your hair type. I have gotten to every other day. My sister can wash her hair once a week with no issues. There is an adjustment period, so just gradually lengthen between washings and see where it gets you.

    20. Laura H.*

      I can go a week when I have long gaps with nothing to do/ I can be a hermit, but I don’t shower everyday. I take a longer time to do the task- but if I’m working or outside my house and such regularly- every 2-3 days is adequate.

    21. Thursday Next*

      Every third or even fourth day, or after I workout. I used to wash every other day when I was on my preferred workout schedule or when my hair was shorter than shoulder length.

      (My preferred length is to my shoulder blades, so washing less frequently makes sense. I find that brushing on the days between shampooing distributes any oil from the scalp over the length of the hair.

      I found that my scalp got less oily once I stopped washing it so frequently. Seems counterintuitive, but I suppose the washing was triggering sebum production.

      1. Thursday Next*

        Also: my hair is wavier than straight, but straighter than wavy at its length. It’s fine/silky, and I still have a fairly decent amount (autoimmune and stress induced hair loss has been an issue). I don’t use a blow dryer for very long because I let it air dry mostly (so heat damage isn’t a consideration).

        I think washing frequency has to take so much into account: activity, texture, length, scalp tendencies, weather conditions…

        I am a bit obsessed. :-)

    22. Persimmons*

      Every night. Not only is my hair fine, but I also absorb odors at work and I simply cannot sleep with a stinky head.

    23. Queenie*

      I wash mine everyday because I’ve been doing that as long as I can remember and haven’t really had a reason to change. I don’t use anything except shampoo (no conditioner, dyes, hair gel, etc.) and it seems to always stay healthy and thick. It doesn’t seem oily when I get up in the morning, but I sometimes wonder if it must be since I’ve read that washing your hair daily strips it of all the oils and damages it and that doesn’t seem to happen to mine.

    24. OyVey*

      I have “3B” hair – curly/coily hair. I also live in a desert environment. I actually literally “wash” my hair with shampoo once every couple weeks. On a daily basis, I get my hair thoroughly wet, scrub my scalp with my fingertips, then pack as much conditioner as will stay without running right before getting out. Don’t rinse it, don’t towel dry it, throw it in a braid and leave the braid until mostly dry. I also don’t use much product or color my hair so there’s very little build up that friction and water can’t take care of on their own.

      Milage on hair type and freqency of washing varies A LOT

        1. OyVey*

          I didn’t find Curly Girl until middle age and struggled with my hair for decades. Curly/coily hair can look pretty damn spectacular but it also dries out so fast and living in a desert does not help that situation at all! Thank goodness for learning how to use conditioner in my hair, and the benefits of an undercut.

    25. heckofabecca*

      Every 2-3 days for me! By day 3, my hair is definitely going up and it’s not looking its best… For me, part of it is that it’s just too much time in the shower to be washing my hair every day! I just got a new shampoo/conditioner that’s really good so far, but using 2 products means longer showers, and I already linger WAY too much haha

    26. Traveling Teacher*

      It really, really depends on your hair type. I wash mine every day. I have tried (months-long) stretches of trying to train it to be washed every other day. It doesn’t work for mine, and I am actually uncomfortable if it’s not washed every day. Stylists say this sort of thing, but only you know your hair! I followed this “don’t wash the day of” advice before two updos, and they had to wash and dry at the salon because my hair is much too thick and greasy if I don’t wash every day. My SO washes long, curly hair every 7-10 days, with rinsing with plain water every day. I have dry/combination skinned friends who also go days without washing their hair. I, on the other hand, am just an oily person. Multiple dermatologists have told me not to use moisturizer because I just don’t need it (though makeup counter people are always pushing it on me because “everyone needs it.” Yeah, nope.)

      Best advice I ever got was to switch shampoos if it starts doing weird things and to never put conditioner on the roots. I only put mine on the very ends, and I don’t have a problem with splitting unless I go for 9 months+ without getting a cut (but I have very strong hair and nails). I’ve also found that blow-drying every few days really does help a lot for my particular hair (with lift and shape). If I only air-dry, it becomes very flat and limp. When I blow dry, I wait for an hour after I’ve washed my hair to blow dry it, otherwise it takes about 25 mins to dry completely on high heat.

    27. Anonymosity*

      I wash it twice a week with shampoo. If I’ve been walking a lot and it’s hot outside, I may co-wash it (wash with conditioner only) just to get the grunge out. My hair is very long and colored blonde; it took ages to find the right products and get it back to feeling healthy after I had it done. Before I went blonde, I would co-wash it every day but only use shampoo once or twice a week to get rid of buildup.

      I use shampoo and conditioner with no sulfates, mostly the Hask Argan Oil variety (it smells AMAZING). I can buy it at Walmart so it’s not expensive. Garnier leave-in and smoothing milk. My salon uses Kevin Murphy; I looooooove their products, but I can’t afford them.

      It really depends on your hair type. Bleached hair has to be treated very gently. I don’t blow-dry it very often either; if I wash it at night and put it up once it’s about half dry, I wake up with mad beach waves and don’t have to style it.

    28. Ainomiaka*

      Every other day. Maybe 2 on one off when it’s not as hot and dry as it is now in tx summer. I get headaches otherwise. That said, the people who say it depends on your hair are 100% correct. I know my friends with curly hair can’t do my schedule without getting super dry and breaking.

  88. Mephyle*

    Travel advice for Rio de Janeiro? I’ll be there soon for 5 days. I’ll be on my own during the daytime while my husband attends a conference.
    When I looked at the usual travel sites, I found that the main things to do are beaches and partying, neither of which are my type of thing. And you visit the Cristo Rey statue and take the cable car to the Sugarloaf mountain.
    I like to visit museums (large and small), stroll around in interesting and historic neighbourhoods, look through markets and supermarkets, and shopping in general.
    Can anyone with first hand experience recommend things I’d like? Maybe something I skimmed over in my research but it’s more interesting than it sounded to me, or something I just didn’t find or think of.
    And any recommendations in general will be welcome.

    1. runner*

      Here’s a site with museums and more: www DOT riodejaneiro DOT com

      Also since they speak Portuguese, it’s Rei, not Rey.

    3. tangerineRose*

      I’ve heard that the thumbs up gesture is considered offensive in South America, so I’d avoid doing that.

    4. Mephyle*

      Thanks for the all the good suggestions. I’m two lessons away from ‘occupations’ on Portuguese Duolingo, so hopefully I’ll have learned ‘rei’ by the time I get there.

    5. Mephyle*

      Greetings from Rio, especially to runner, PolicyChick and tangerineRose.
      It turns out I’m actually here for 3 days and a bit, not 5 (I hadn’t really discounted the travel days). On my first full day, besides dropping in at my husband’s conference at the university, I walked around the Centro district, which was fascinating. It is full of interesting shops and street vendors, the browsing through of which is one of my favourite ways to experience a city. And I dropped in to whichever church I happened to pass by (three in all), and also admired the large monumental buildings from past centuries that are in this district. Today, I plan to do more of the same, but in the Flamengo district. And maybe visit a museum.
      I wondered how I would get on with my Portuguese, which is at the level of the first 20 circles or so on Duolingo (i.e., not very much at all). But I find that I’m getting by with ‘Não falo portugues… inglês ou espanhol?’ and I can manage.

  89. Sparkly Lady*

    How do you mentally adjust to make it more bearable to be stuck living in a place that you really hate?

    To be clear, I don’t mean how to change the situation. I already do all the things people usually suggest to try and make a place better (take classes! civic engagement! look on Meetup! etc.) and none of them have worked. I’m burnt out and officially giving up on the external. Moving is absolutely on the table, but not in the near term due to external constraints (earliest would probably be 3 years from now).

    So what on earth can I do to feel less depressed and miserable while my external circumstances are, in fact, depressing and miserable?

    1. Jessen*

      I’ve found sometimes simple distractions help. If there’s a favorite meal you like, maybe make it for yourself. Make sure to take time to read a book you like. Sometimes I find that doing Things To Make It Better distracts me from actually enjoying the things I already have.

      1. Sparkly Lady*

        Yeah, reading and watching good TV definitely helps. It feels a little like unhealthy escapism since I’m used to being (and prefer to be) involved with a lot of artistic projects. But maybe it’s just how it has to be until I can move.

    2. HannahS*

      Do you have a hobby to throw yourself into? When I was unhappy with my circumstances, I leaned hard into developing skills in sewing. I know someone who did a major independent religious study and wrote a small book.
      If there’s a hobby or something you’ve always to do for yourself (like learning a language, studying a martial art, writing a blog, etc.), this is a time to give yourself the gift of spending time and money on it. I think there’s a lot of value in leaving difficult circumstances with something to show for it–it becomes a part of the story of your life in a more positive way; “I had a hard time during XYZ but I used that time to do ABC so that when my circumstances improved, I was able to do ______.” It didn’t solve the other problems, but for me, my hobbies provide me with something positive that I can focus on.

      1. Sparkly Lady*

        Unfortunately, my hobbies are directly related to why I’m so miserable where I live. :(

        1. HannahS*

          Oh no! I’m not sure I understand though–are you unable to do the things you enjoy because they’re dependent on the environment? Like, your passion is winter sports and you’re living in a desert?

          1. Sparkly Lady*

            No, they’re community connected.

            It’s too identifying to get into the details, but the tl;dr is the place I live is supposed to be amazing for the things I do. It turns out that this is true for about an hour’s drive from me, but not where I actually am. I put a lot of time and energy into trying to change that, initially seemed to succeed, and then had everything go pear shaped in a terribly devastating way. Hence the burnt out and giving up on the external.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Does the area offer something unique that you wouldn’t find anywhere else? If yes, do you find that unique thing a little interesting? Maybe that is something to tie your life line to.

      One time when I hated the area I was living in, I just took another job part time. It helped me fill my days and put coin in my pocket.

  90. Jessen*

    So what’s everyone’s nicknames for their furry companions? Mine has several:
    – Floof (generally applicable to a longhair)
    – Miss Priss (usually when she’s whining because her bowl is half-empty or because the blankets aren’t arranged to her liking)
    – Ridiculous Ball of Fur (I’ll let cat owners imagine this one)
    – Scritch Addict (self-explanatory)

    1. Lcsa99*

      Squeak Toy is the only one I can think of at the moment. Though we do play with their names: for Gallico it’s mostly gallicuddles or gallicoma. Marlowe, we get lots of Marlove :)

    5. Really*

      Had a neighbor with Saturn cat with rings of fat. A tabby that covered the whole toilet seat.

    6. Ali G*

      My dog has a zillion nicknames. Most often used:
      Stinky, Stinkerface, Stinkbutt (pretty much any form of stink)
      Moo, Moo-face
      Asshole
      Jerk face
      Woofalot

    7. frystavirki*

      Mine are:
      (Luna)
      Lunapants
      Lunabutt
      Moon Bear
      Big Girl
      (Suki)
      Sukibutt
      Sukes
      Zooks
      Gadzooks
      Suki Monster
      Little Bear
      (in general)
      Bug

    9. Lady Kelvin*

      Hmmm, Its hard to say, we have a couple that riff off her name and some that express our annoyance at her:
      –Kevlinator
      –Punk-a-doodle-doo
      –Puppers
      –Pup-asauraus
      –Jellybean
      –Pupster

      I’m sure there are more, but most of them are in the moment.

    10. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Miss Sibley is called: Sibley, Sibby, Sibs, Sibley-Sue, and Sibbers.
      Arwen is called: Arwen, Arwen Monster, Monster Arwen, and Monster. (hard to come up with nick names for Awen)

    14. The Other Dawn*

      I have a lot of cats, but here are the ones we have nicknames for:

      Bailey: Boo bear
      Max: Poops or Poopers (funny story…), Maximilian, Maxi
      Lucifer (we didn’t name him): Lou, Louis, Louie, Louie Louie, Fat Louie
      Marty: Mar Mar, Marty Mar
      Leo: Leonard, Lee Lee
      Tiffany: Tiff, Tiffster

      All the others we just call by their name. And just about everyone is called a derogatory name everyday either because they scarf their food and then puke it up, knock something over, are being a general a$$hole, or we just feel like it. My husband calls the girls: sweetie, sweets, daddy’s little girl, and daddy’s big girl.

    15. Red Reader*

      Angua Grace Puppinsky-Rompanopolis, Lieutenant General of the Red Hound Army and High Ambassador to the Kitten Kingdom, is usually Miss Puppy at home, and her sister Alannah Jane Sleepyface Corporal Radar Wigglebottom the Froshus, Queen of the Carrot Mafia, is most commonly Little Bit.

    16. Gatomon*

      My cat:
      Fluff-butt, snuggle-butt, many permutations of -butt
      Monster
      Goober
      Pumpkin
      Cat-face
      Stink

    17. OyVey*

      Dog – PupPup, Pupper, Puperoni
      Cats – psychokitty, particularly the juvenile one, although old kitty has moments
      All animals – drama llamas

    19. char*

      I sometimes worry that my cats must think their names are “Silly Boy” and “Silly Girl”, since I call them that so much.

    20. Zona the Great*

      For Zona: Zona Cabrona (said in my best East LA latina accent)
      For Sabine: Beenix, Bine, Sabs, etc

      Basically, I never say their real names–just bizarre derivatives of them.

      1. JaneB*

        My girl (Tibbo) was Tib, Tib-puss, Squeaky, Madam, poppet, Boppy, fur ball, greeneyes, Cheeky, Bops, Bobo… I miss her

    21. Anonymosity*

      I used to call Pig by several names–Kitty, Piggles, Piggly, Baby Girl, and Hey Stop That, LOL.

    22. MsChandandlerBong*

      We have nicknames for them based on their names/personalities/looks.
      Bandit = Bandito, Burrito Boy (he likes to climb under the comforter and cover up like a little burrito). Bandy-Boo, Fatso
      Jasper = D***head (he’s very intelligent, which means he gets bored easily and acts like a jerk to get attention)
      Phoebe = Phoebles, Beefy Cat, Phoebes, Fibe (Backstory: We were at the vet, and a guy in the waiting room told us that his cat’s name is Phoebe, too, except he just spelled it “Fibe”; my husband and I have been cracking up ever since!)
      Chewbacca: Chewie, Chewie Bear, Prehistoric Otter, French Boy (he has a cauliflower ear, so one ear is bent down, which makes him look like he’s wearing a little beret)
      Mozart: Stinky, Moz, Dummy (he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed)

  91. Cheshire Cat*

    Pillowtop mattresses! I bought one recently and I love it. But, I’ve had it long enough that it’s time to flip it. I’ve always flipped mattresses top to bottom and head to foot. Are you supposed to turn a pillowtop mattress top to bottom, though? Doing so defeats the purpose of having one, & it seems like the pillow part will get squashed if it’s on the bottom. OTOH it will last longer if I do … Thanks in advance for any advice.

    1. ThatGirl*

      Just 180 head to foot, not upside down. You’re not really meant to flip them over.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          They would start to cave in the middle if you didn’t. But yea! for not having to flip them anymore.

  92. Book Recs*

    Here to leave some book recs!

    The Jackson Brodie series of mysteries by Kate Atkinson (or frankly, anything by Atkinson)
    anything by Tana French
    Little Fires Everywhere by Celeste Ng
    You Don’t Have to Say You Love Me by Sherman Alexie
    The Stranger in the Woods: The Extraordinary Story of the Last True Hermit by Michael Finkel
    The Flight of Gemma Hardy by Margot Livesey
    I Capture the Castle by Dodie Smith
    Nobody’s Fool by Richard Russo

    1. Yep!*

      OMG yes to “citations” for lack of dance belts. A coworker skyped me a link to the “Ghetto Avengers” the other day and while the premise is awesome and those guys are good dancers the fact that nobody has yet clued them in to dance belts makes it hard to watch.

      Tl;dr… male bodied people in skinsuits should wear a dance belt! Full stop.

  95. frystavirki*

    Auuuugh. I put off going to the dentist for two years, and I’m on two antidepressants. I finally suck it up and go last Wednesday, and lo and behold! Ten cavities! And one definitely needs a root canal, which I am having on Monday. Never had a cavity before. None of them hurt, but I’m just. Augh. I try to avoid going to the dentist too often because of that fun shame-y feeling I always get and that we never have insurance for it so it’s expensive, but now we have to pay thousands of dollars because my teeth decided to revolt due to dry mouth conditions. Anyone have Suddenly Bad Teeth advice? I now have prescription toothpaste and half a tooth currently because they needed to figure out if my Worst Tooth needed a root canal.

    1. Thlayli*

      Oh god. I’ve had really good teeth for a few years since my last filling, but since I got depressed I can tell my teeth are getting bad. I’ve been putting off going to the dentist coz I’m scared. Need to book.

      1. frystavirki*

        Yeah, especially if you’re on antidepressants AND may have gotten a little slack on tooth care, definitely book. The antidepressants are pretty much the reason why my teeth are terrible now — dry mouth = lack of saliva to inhibit bacteria = bad. Better to have an easy filling than a root canal/crown. I’ve gone my entire life without a single cavity and then all of a sudden! Agh! I’m trying to get the worst ones out of the way as fast as possible before I start fall semester. They won’t have my crowns done by then, though :c Monday and Tuesday next week are More Dentist, and I don’t know when we’ll do any of the other bad ones. I just want it over with now.

    2. Lcsa99*

      I feel your pain. I hadn’t gone to the dentist in years until I met my then boyfriend. Hell, I think it wasn’t until we were engaged that he managed to convince me. Had four cavities, needed a root canal, crown and two wisdom teeth pulled. Thankfully I did have insurance and he had a great doctor. All I can say is good luck!

      Listening to music through headphones helped get my mind off what was happening so if your doc will let you, you should give it a try.

    3. brushandfloss*

      The dry mouth(maybe a side effect of the medications) probably caused the caries situation. Saliva helps prevent plaque from staying on the teeth.

      For dry mouth. Try to use dry mouth rinses or alcohol-free mouthwashes. Maybe use sugar-free candy/gum to produce saliva. Try to avoid acid drinks and foods. You may want to look for products that contain Arginine (disrupts biofilm formation, naturalizes oral pH and helps with dental sensitivity). There’s a product called basicbites that is a sugar-free chocolate chew that contains Arginine.

      Finally if your medications are working for you, its important to minimize the side effects. I say this without judgment, its really important to try to keep the teeth as clean as possible by brushing and flossing daily.
      Hope this helps. Good luck.

      1. frystavirki*

        Yup, don’t worry, they pretty much told me it was the dry mouth situation. Otherwise, I normally have teeth that take after my dad’s — relatively few cavity problems, super crooked if not corrected. I have new high-fluoride prescription toothpaste and am making sure to brush and floss upon pain of death, even though my brain is very good at forgetting to. I’ll look into the arginine! Thanks.

      2. Chaordic One*

        There are special toothpastes and mouthwashes for “dry mouth”. The “Biotene” brand is very good, but there several other brands. Biotene alsos make a “gel” that you can smear over your teeth before you go to sleep that helps keep your mouth moist.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Electric tooth brush. What a good investment. And a waterpik.
      I had both and stopped using them for reasons. Big mistake. It’s easy to take things for granted when they go well and minimize how much stuff like this prevents.

    5. Fellow Traveler*

      Sympathies! I hate teeth-shame! I’ve been lucky with my teeth, (despite not seeing a dentist for seven years) but several people I know who have had “Suddenly Bad Teeth” were told to cut back their sugar consumption. My husband was told that he shouldn’t have more than 36 grams of sugar a day, which is basically a glass of orange juice.

    7. ronda*

      when i was off insurance, the dentist has a plan that reduced costs that you could enroll in for less than $100 a year.
      If you are ever avoiding dentist again because of insurance, look into if there are any plans like that around.
      Also, dental schools sometimes provide low cost care.

      And to me a root canal was not much worse than a regular cavity. You are numbed up for both so don’t really feel it. Now when the didnt numb me up to put the crown on, that hurt alot. Not for long, but short very painful. I always ask them to numb after that time.

    8. Anonymosity*

      Ugh. It sucks for sure.

      I still have an abscess (though it doesn’t hurt) but my dentist dumped me because I had a panic attack and cried when I was told I’d need a periodontist (cannot afford). I’ve just about had enough of this shit. Luckily I had a great hygienist, but she left so I’m fine with not going back there.

      When I got to this dentist (different doctor at the time), I needed a bunch of fillings and a root canal, and also serious gum treatment. Do your oral care! There is no substitute for good home care.

    9. Maya Elena*

      Consider a second opinion on the cavities. I’ve definitely gone to a dentist who has a tendency to find one every time, vs. one who doesn’t find any at all.

    10. Teach*

      Meds. All the meds on the planet for tooth work. My dentist will give me gas for a cleaning if I need it, and we’ve discussed stronger options if I need work done. This keeps the dental phobia in check.
      And go every 6 months for cleaning – it’s much easier and they can catch smaller problems before they are big ones. Plus it’s not as nerve-wracking if you don’t put it off.

  96. anon today*

    I have a friend who is a great person. Funny, intelligent, kind, down to earth. She was engaged. They moved in together at the start of the year and were housing hunting and wedding planned. Her left her last week. My friend has ADHD, OCD and generalized anxiety disorder. These things are challenging but it doesn’t make her any less of a great person. He said that 6 months of living together made him realize he couldn’t do it and she was “too much” for him to handle. My friend takes medical and sees a doctor and a therapist regularly. Her illnesses do present issues. But he made her out to sound like a monster. We all thought he was a good guy. She is heartbroken and I feel so terrible for her. Any suggestions as to how I can make my friend feel better? She is really hurting. [I don’t mean to imply I am worried she will harm herself because she hasn’t ever done it and has never threatened to, but she is crying all the time, barely wanting to eat and wanting to lie in bed lots. Her therapist called it situational depression since my friend has never shown signs or been diagnosed with depression before]. She is one of my oldest friends and I would love to hear from the AMM hive mind what I can do to try to help her during this.

    1. frystavirki*

      Can you ask her if there’s anything you can help with? Like, would she like help with chores or would that not be appreciated? Can you make her food that she can just heat up, or buy/help her order takeout, so she doesn’t lose focus and forget to eat or have to worry about that? Does she have any pets that she would like help caring for for a short time? Otherwise, I don’t really have any suggestions — never dated, so don’t know how sudden breakups when you thought everything was going well feel. She’s probably going to know what works for her best. (source: I have all those disorders, but YMMV obviously as no two people are the same)

    2. Not So NewReader*

      With any crying person, encouraging them that crying is okay can helpful. Crying triggers a chemical reaction in the brain that helps keep the brain healthy. Tell her that it is okay to cry, we have tears for a reason and that is to use them.

      1. Thursday Next*

        I’m reminded of an old Sesame Street song, which goes, “It’s all right to cry/ Crying gets the sad out of you.”

        Crying can be the release she needs right now. I think as NSNR suggested, affirming that it’s fine and not something she needs to curb can be helpful.

        As with any sudden trauma (I think a serious illness diagnosis is similar), active listening if she wants to talk is good. I’d say lean toward affirming her feelings, rather than trying to solve her problems.

        And as frystavriki said, ask her what she needs. Maybe she wants someone to,sit with her, or someone to watch all six hours of Pride and Prejudice (1995) with her—whatever.

        You sound like a very good friend.

    3. Zona the Great*

      He still sounds like a good enough guy. Honest. Better now than later. Those are tough things to handle in a spouse. Your friend will be okay with such a caring person in her life. Just be there.

      1. David S. Pumpkins (formerly katamia)*

        Yeah, as someone with mental illness and ADHD who’s also dating someone with mental illness, it can definitely be a lot to handle in a partner. He’s not a bad person for knowing and accepting his limitations (after all, we all have them).

        Definitely don’t think this is something your friend your friend needs to hear right now, though, anon today, or possibly ever. I just wanted to agree with Zona the Great and push back on the idea (not totally clear whether you think it or you’re just saying what your friend thinks) that not being able to handle someone’s mental illness or neurodiversity makes you a bad person.

        Right now I agree that you should focus on letting your friend tell you what she needs in whatever way she can. But ultimately this is just going to take time.

    4. Traveling Teacher*

      Honestly, this is what engagement is for. It’s a trial run for forever. Better for her to know now when breaking up has limited financial/personal fallout than 5 years down the line with possible children thrown in, as well. And, who knows, maybe he just said, “Your mental health stuff is too much” instead of saying a true-er but more hurtful in his perspective answer.

      She’s perfectly justified in feeling awful and crying a lot, though! She thought they were about to say I do, and he noped out instead. I wonder if a change in environment would be helpful–going for walks, checking out fun stuff where you live, getting outside in general can be such a positive impact. It could even give her that little push in motivation if she has stuff like that to look forward to. You sound like a really great friend, btw!

    5. Observer*

      You’ve gotten some good advice.

      Please don’t get into how terrible her former fiance is. For one thing, as others pointed out, it’s not so simple. For another it really is NOT helpful to her at this point. I know that sounds odd, but think about this. Even if it were true, at this point hearing it would be like telling her “You’re an idiot for falling for him.” So now she hears that she’s an idiot and is wondering why no one said anything to her.

      Also, what she really needs is not not be thinking about him. Obviously that’s not going to be an easy thing to accomplish – it WILL take time. But any discussion about him, including how bad he is, just drags out the focus on him, which is what you want to get away from.

  97. floatingworldofcha*

    I am looking for advice about how to create a successful blog (I don’t expect massive success but I would like to increase my viewing figures and I understand you have to be proactive to do this I just don’t know how to be).

    I have had largely positive feedback when posting on the relevant reddit community but not much feedback and I know when people dislike something they are more likely to say nothing than to give constructive feedback. My blog is on wordpress and I have little IT skills beyond Microsoft word and excel, email, video games and basic internet usage. I have no coding skills and have no idea how my computer works (could be gnomes inside it making it work for all I know).

    Any advice on how to set up user friendly, easy to use blogs or advice on increasing viewings would be greatly appreciated.

  98. Julianne (also a teacher)*

    Suggestions for getting the smell of cats (urine/general pet smell) out of one’s home? I just bought a house, and the previous owners had a cat (or maybe cats). The smell has dissipated a lot thanks to keeping windows open whenever possible and using activated charcoal air sponges (Nature’s Air Sponge), but it’s still pretty noticeable in certain parts of the house that get less air flow, or when we come home and the windows have been closed all day.

    The house has hardwood floors throughout (except the bathroom, but no cat smell there). We replaced all the window treatments, so no lingering smells there. I have mopped all the floors once with a water-white vinegar solution, and intend to continue doing so. (I meant to do it this week, but it’s been so humid that I just didn’t want to do it.) I would appreciate some ideas to try short of repainting the walls or replacing the floors (which I understand might be the most straightforward solutions, but don’t feel like the very best options right now for time/money reasons). Thanks!

    1. Really*

      With hard wood floors you should look into refinishing. Sanding them should remove the worst of any damage. As far as walls try washing. I did this after my daughter had her dog here for a month in the room the dog was in the most. There was a lingering odor and that helped a lot.

      1. Julianne (also a teacher)*

        Thank you for that tip, I hadn’t thought about washing the walls. Do you recommend a product, or just some dish soap and water?

    2. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Nature’s Miracle or another enzyme cleaner. Get a black light and go over the house at night too so you know where problem spots are.

      1. Julianne (also a teacher)*

        I just ordered a black light flashlight, and I’m going to get some Nature’s Miracle to try this week. Thank you for the tips.

    3. Green Kangaroo*

      Cat urine is visible with black light, so it might be possible to find the most concentrated areas and treat them. I’m guessing that urine soaked into the floors, in which case it might be a bit of a challenge to eradicate.

      1. Julianne (also a teacher)*

        I think this is likely; my husband was drilling some holes to run cables between rooms and reported a huge whiff of cat smell when he drilled through the floor. Really, really hoping we can avoid refinishing the floors, but I do realize it might come down to that if other steps aren’t effective. Thank you for the suggestions.

    4. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      You can wash the walls (I would just do the bottom 3 feet) with water and white vinegar as well. Second the black light and buying an enzyme cleaner.

      1. Julianne (also a teacher)*

        Thank you for the tips, I appreciate it. Definitely going to try washing the walls.

    5. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      Leaving an open bowl of vinegar in a room that smells is supposed to help, too.

    6. Chaordic One*

      I recall reading an article about the historic “Gray Gardens” house that had been owned by “Big Edie” and “Little Edie Beale” (the aunt and cousin of Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy Onassis). Jackie had paid for extensive repairs to the house. After Big Edie died, Little Edie sold the house to Ben Bradlee (big wig editor of the Washington Post) and his wife, reporter Sally Quinn. They did more repairs and a lot of remodeling.

      Ben died and the last I heard, Sally had the house on the market, but no buyer as far as I know. It is now a beautiful showpiece, but according to Sally, every time it rains the house smells like cat pee.

      1. Julianne (also a teacher)*

        Fortunately (?) rain doesn’t seem to make it worse, but this does not fill me with confidence. We’re here for the long haul, hopefully 30 years from now it doesn’t smell like cats anymore…

    7. Catherine from Canada*

      I hate to say this (I really, really do!) but are you sure it’s cats?
      We moved into a house and I had the same assumption about the urine smell until we realized that it was actually bats in the attic.
      Now, _that’s_ an expensive problem to fix! 1. Get rid of the bats. 2. Repair all the soffit and fascia to make sure that the bats can’t get back in. 3. Get rid of the piles of bat doo in the attic. 4. Curse the former owners who knew darned well they had bats and the home inspector who missed them.

      1. Julianne (also a teacher)*

        They definitely had at least one cat (we saw the litter box when we viewed the house before buying), and the locations where it smells are more consistent with cats than with something in the attic/crawl space, which is actually off the master bedroom. It smells more on the first floor and basement than on the second floor. (I get a big ol’ blast of cat smell when I open the bedroom door in the morning.)

        Probably worth double checking that nothing has taken up residence in the attic space, though. Might let my husband handle that, since I’ve already done the rabies-post-exposure song and dance…

    8. Vancouver Reader*

      My in-laws had cats that marked their territory all over the house. As part of the renos, hubs used something called Kilz which is supposed to block stains and kill odours. But that’s only if you’re planning on painting over an area.

      1. Julianne (also a teacher)*

        I will definitely keep Kilz in mind. I’m desperately hoping to avoid repainting, since there are no problems with the paint job other than that it is probably harboring odors. The color is fine and it was clearly done by someone who knew how to paint walls. (And also I want to not spend the rest of my summer vacation inside, painting. Maybe this will be a Christmas break project.)

  99. Nervous Accountant*

    Heartbreak of the week. Got a sample of a hair mask with my Sephora/ipsy subscription. Loved it.
    Turns out to be $71. SOB SOB SOB.

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        Rare prickly pear oil or something.

        On the hunt for something under $30. Not a mask person but I LOVED THIS ONE. Sob.

        1. Green Kangaroo*

          If you really love it, could you budget for it and splurge? You are worth getting something that makes you feel good about yourself – we all are. My metric is that if no one is going shoeless and hungry, if I really want it, I’m going to get it.

          1. Nervous Accountant*

            I could but I’m very much a “treat yo’self” person….I treat myself WAY TOO MUCH already, and have way too many beauty things, makeup, hair products, face masks etc. I’m too much in to treating myself alraedy lol. :(

  100. Jaid_Diah*

    Is it binge watching if you’re going between Indian cooking, Steven Universe roundtable discussions, dog grooming, the talking kitties, black women getting their hair straightened, Jeffree Star, and nail videos?

    I love You Tube.

    2. Merci Dee*

      Goodness gracious, I fell down the YouTube black hole last night with the Dr. Pimple Popper channel. So disgusting, but so fascinating.

  101. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

    Yay: Hubs and I found and went to a local neighborhood beach.

    Boo: Somehow, I got my 3rd corneal abrasion in 10 months. Same eye, lower location. Left beach early so I could rest indoors with antibiotics I’ve been on since Monday. Seemed like sharp pain, then itchy, then painful throbbing now. And I have NO idea how it happened. Maybe I rubbed my eyes too hard or my hair got in my eyes again.

    ….SIGH…

    1. Damn it, Hardison!*

      Oh, you have my sympathy! I had microabraisons on my corneas last summer and it was awful since there’s little you can do about it. Wishing you swift healing.

  102. The Other Chelsea*

    Forgive me if it’s already been recommended in this very large comments section, but you may like The Ensemble which is about a slightly dysfunctional found family. I didn’t expect to love it quite as much as I did. It was wonderful!

  103. Thursday Next*

    There ain’t no party like an 8-year-old’s party…

    Had Kid #2’s birthday party today. After a rainy week, it was sunny today, so we could be outside and set up a wading pool. It was a big hit with the kids! Guests left by 1 and cleanup was done by 3 and I feel WRECKED. There was a lot of running around before to pick things up, and a lot of running upstairs from our building’s courtyard to our apartment.

    Also, I made 6 liters of champagne punch for the parents. It was completely gone by the end of the party.

    Cuz there ain’t no party like an 8-year-old’s party…

    1. Loves Libraries*

      I remember my worst headaches were on days when we hosted my children’s birthday parties. I’m sorry you don’t have any champagne punch left.

      1. Thursday Next*

        I do have a bottle of champagne left…I was considering using it to make more punch. Just without the ginger ale. And without the sorbet. :-)

  104. Red Reader*

    Gah. I apparently missed the end of a zero-interest balance transfer period on one of my credit cards, so with the suddenly-added interest, my regularly scheduled payments were no longer meeting the minimum. (I thought I had the end of the transfer period noted on my calendar, but apparently I either forgot to add it or somehow otherwise erred in adding it. My bad, totally.) It reported to the credit bureaux as 30 days past due and suddenly this morning my credit scores have plummeted by 100 points with both TransUnion and (whatever the other one is, I forget). This is literally my only missed payment on any account of any type in the last, like, eight years. On noticing today, I immediately brought the account current and will in fact be paying it off fully in the next couple of days. The creditor is Capital One and I’ve had the account in question open for something like fourteen years — has anyone had any luck in getting a goodwill adjustment to remove a late payment from credit reporting? I’m not about to be doing anything that requires credit that I can think of any time soon, so if I have to suck it up and wait it out I guess I can do, but I’ve made a lot of progress cleaning up my history in the last seven years, so seeing that 100 point hit kind of made my stomach clench. :P

    1. Someone else*

      You may be able to get them to remove any late fees (and possibly even the interest) but I think once they tag it as “late”, credit reportwise, there isn’t really any undoing it. I’ve known people who had that on their report erroneously and it either took years to fix or they couldn’t get it done and just gave up (since their credit was otherwise perfect it wasn’t enough of a hit to be worth the effort it was taking to remedy). If you’re not buying a car or house in the next six months, it might not be worth it to bother with beyond one phone call inquiring, because if it takes more than the one ask, it’s likely to take dozens. Or so I’m told.

    2. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      You can def get late fees/interest removed just by messaging the CC company esp for a first time – just message them through the website saying it was an accidental error and would they please remove it?

      I have no idea if that fixes your credit report though.

    3. Anona*

      We had a situation like this with a mortgage payment recently. We had the money, it just didn’t go through. Our first late payment ever, with resulting credit score impact. Our mortgage company wouldn’t remove the late payment from the credit report (though it doesn’t hurt to ask). But it seems like each month after, our score is slowly going back up, as we continue to make on time payments. It’s definitely a jarring feeling.

  105. Amadeo*

    Sigh. I have a 20 year old grimalkin well into her 21st year and in CRF for about 4-5 years, but I think we’re down to a week or two left together. She’s started having seizures like clockwork every 5-6 hours (they are very short, 5 seconds or so, but that doesn’t make the any easier to watch in a loved one), but is otherwise still herself in between for now. We’ve been to the vet yesterday and I’ve discussed it with them and there’s not really anything more we can add to what I’m already doing to make it any better. I went and bought her some Rad Cat raw cat food at a local pet boutique and we’ve switched her sub-q fluids to every day instead of EOD, but that’s the extent of anything that might help and I have three doses of valium in case her seizures get longer. She’s in HEAVEN with the raw though. She has eaten the two meals of it I’ve given her so far almost without stopping for breath.

    Normally I’m happy to have the house to myself, but this is one of those times where I don’t want to be left alone. My cat I’ve had since high school is terminally ill and not going to get better, only worse, but I also do not want to go to the local dirt track where my family is tonight and watch people show their butts. What do the rest of you introverts do when you really want someone to just be sitting with you and being company but don’t have the option at the moment?

    1. Courageous cat*

      So sorry to hear this. I had issues like this (minus the seizure) with my beloved cat, including the daily sub-Q which was quite a disaster each time trying to keep her still.

      As a fellow introvert, if you don’t have the option for company, instead of just kind of going along with the day, I would Plan An Evening. I like to go to the grocery store and get some good snacks, maybe some brownies/cake to bake, get some wine, figure out a movie or two to watch on Netflix, have a nice long hot shower or bath with a bath bomb, shave and exfoliate and lotion, light a few candles, and watch something. Extra points if all your laundry is freshly washed, especially your sheets, and your place is clean.

      1. Amadeo*

        She’s been getting SQ EOD since December. Lately she’s been getting excited when I get the bag out to hang up because she also gets her favorite treat (milk) while I poke her and run cold stuff under her skin.

        I had to do some work from home today because of a deadline on Wednesday, but perhaps next weekend I’ll go this route with some treats and a movie marathon.

    2. ..Kat..*

      So sorry you are going through this. Places to be alone, but near people: A coffee shop? Counter seating at a diner?
      You are a good kitty owner. You have found something (raw food) that your cat enjoys and are giving it to her.

      1. Amadeo*

        Heh, she’s been a spoiled brat for 20 years, why should that change now? Honestly, I’m sad I’m going through it too, but I’ll come out the other end and I’ll be fine. It’s just a choice we make when we take in a pet (unless it’s a parrot or a tortoise!).

    3. Anonymosity*

      I’m sorry about the kitty.

      I don’t really have a recommendation. When I need to get out of the house, sometimes I go to the flea market. It’s fun to look at stuff but I often just end up wishing I had someone with me to laugh with over ugly lamps.

  106. Red Reader*

    Also on today’s unpleasantness: apparently we have a nest of off-season baby bunnies in my back yard aside from the grown bunnies we already knew about. I have two hunting-breed hound dogs, a bloodhound mix and a whippet mix. My housemate has already had to euthanize two of the bunnies after the dogs found them, but isn’t really keen on just putting them outside the fence to take their chances. I am so over rabbits – they’re a frigging infestation in my yard – but at least the adults avoid the dogs. Sigh.

      1. Natalie*

        Eh, I think in most cities the humane society won’t take wild animals, and animal control isn’t going to do much about non-dangerous animals that are literally everywhere. I’m not even sure there are many effective ways of managing rabbit populations – ours have been increasing like crazy the last decade or so.

        1. Red Reader*

          Yeah, the most anyone would do is rent me catch and release traps, and that is more effort than I want.

  107. I am still Furious!!*

    Weekly divorce saga update. No joy from my attorney about the mess…I realize now I should have put something in the agreement about “livable condition” or something, but OK, dealing with what I have and making good progress. The ginormous dumpster arrived on Thursday, and as of today, I’ve gotten it about 3/4 filled all on my own. Worked just in the cellar today. He wanted to save EVERYTHING, you know, in case we might need it. Well, guess what. I’m tossing almost everything. Old Christmas decorations, lights, plates that can’t be microwaved, bits and pieces of who knows what, all gone. It feels so good to have less stuff.

    And STBEXH asked if he could stop by on Monday to go through his clothes he left behind, and I said sure – no problem, as I’ll be there working anyway, and I told him to just go through them, take what he wants, and toss the rest. I’m not donating anything due to the flea issue, I’m terrified that I’ll cause problems for someone.

    As far as the address, I’m going to give him his support check when he stops by for his clothes, but my attorney told me if he won’t give me an address, I should mail the check to my attorney, who will forward it to his attorney with a letter stating why.

    I know why he won’t give me the address – he blew the settlement money, and he’s run up some debt. I don’t know how much, but a collection agency is after him for $750 or so (yes, I opened it, it looked like some sort of junk mail), he owes the fuel oil company $600, the magistrate for speeding ticket fines, and that’s all I know about. I suspect there’s more, so he’s probably trying to hide. Most likely they all have our old landline phone#, but that went when I canceled the Comcast account at the house. So, I wrote on the oil company bill “return to sender; no longer at this address”. I didn’t tell him. He knows he owes the money as I gave him several other oil company bills when he picked up his mail.

    When he called about picking up his clothes, he asked again what I was going to do with our old SUV, and I told him I hadn’t decided. He is insisting if I sell it I must give him half the money. The answer is No. No. and more No.

    So now we have a gambling addict who has debt, not enough income to get out of debt because he doesn’t know how to budget or anything else money related because…he gambles and would never learn…and here we go. He has 3 months to find health insurance. My attorney reminded me that none of his issues are my problem, and if he becomes problematic I can get a restraining order. I just have this nagging feeling about him asking me for money, or the second half of the settlement early, something, but it’s just a feeling and may just be my anxiety kicking up.

    So, while I am dead tired, have bruised shins, tired arms and shoulders, and I eternally grateful to whomever invented the wheel barrow, I guess all in all things are going OK.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      My aunt told me if you can see an issue on the horizon that gives you time to plan.

      That nagging feeling might be weakened by having a more detailed plan of what you will do when this happens. If you need to, write it out step by step. Oddly, if you deal with the issue about the car maybe that might help with that nagging feeling also. Has he been told by his attorney there will be no SUV money and to stop asking?

      You know. I had a family situation where family members kept asking X question. Long involved story, however, I had random contact with the attorney they were using. So on one of those conversations I said to the attorney “will you please tell them to stop asking me X. I have answered that question.” And that worked.

      What I failed to factor in was that I was dealing with nervous people so they moved to question Y. And they asked me that question repeatedly in spite of me giving a firm answer each time. sigh. Moral of the story is that sometimes people benefit from general instructions such as “Stop asking SF questions about her giving you more money or giving it to you early. Stop.”

      Another technique I have used and it works is to say, “Hmm. We talked about this before and what was the conclusion then?” Answer the question with a question.

      1. I Am Still Furious!!*

        He signed the title over to me, it was in our divorce agreement. There’s nothing in the agreement about him getting half if I sell it. I own it now, and am free to do with it what I want. I reminded him that him getting half is not in the agreement, but he just said “I don’t care what the agreement says, I get half”. He feels he is entitled to things just because he wishes it to be so.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Yeah, drag in a third person as soon as you can. Perhaps your attorney can talk to his attorney. You should not have to keep repeating yourself. If we keep stuff like this to ourselves it just festers and gets worse. Your No needs to be respected. Asking repeatedly is not acceptable.

          1. The Cosmic Avenger*

            Actually, maybe you should start making every response to every request “have your lawyer contact my lawyer, we’re not talking about it”. Now that the agreement has been signed, there’s nothing he can do, and you can limit your contact to the things spelled out in the agreement. So instead of telling him no or fudging and saying that you haven’t decided, just refuse to deal with those types of questions, because that’s why you both have lawyers.

            In fact, if he’s trying to relitigate things that have already been decided, you may want to have a neutral third party present whenever he’s there to pick things up. Don’t you know some of the local law enforcement people? That would also prevent him from saying he didn’t receive the check (although I doubt that will be a problem, as he’d have to not cash it in order to mess with you and say you didn’t give it to him, and I think he’s desperate enough for money to cash it ASAP once he gets it).

            1. Observer*

              I was thinking much the same thing. Also, start documenting your head off. Your lawyer was right – you can always ask for a restraining order. And the more documentation you have of his attitude and behavior, the easier that process will be.

            2. Woodswoman*

              +100 for this advice. You don’t have to engage with him anymore now that the divorce papers are legally binding, and doing so seems to prolong the time when you’ll have a clean break. Give the check to your attorney, and then you don’t have to have any conversation with your ex about what he did or didn’t receive. I hope that his clothes are the last thing you have to split up. If you can’t leave them outside with a deadline for when he’s coming for them and you feel you need to be there when that happens, have someone else there. Or a few someones.

              He keeps trying to open the door to connect with you. By sending all communication through your attorney, you have the option to keep it closed.

        2. Not a Mere Device*

          This almost certainly isn’t a good idea, but I would be so tempted to say something like “you mean that agreement that said I’m supposed to give you more money? I’ll be happy to ignore that.”

    2. Belle*

      My mother and father went through a divorce that was similar to this in many was (my dad was an addict and my mom left him after many years once my sister and I left for college). Here are a few things she mentioned that I am passing along, just in case it helps:

      -Don’t give him the check in person, that could encourage him to stop by in the future for them or pressure you. Just give to your attorney to handle.
      -If his name isn’t on the SUV title (in which case his signature isn’t needed) then just tell him that it is none of his business everytime he brings it up. He can talk to your attorney if he presses
      -Make sure your name isn’t on anything still (oil, bank accounts, etc). She learned the hard way that my father was using her name and the vendors tried to come after her, even though it was after they split up and working the divorce.

      You will get through this and are doing all of the right things to a new start!

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        How can she make sure he isn’t using her name?

        And does she have any recourse if he is?

        1. Belle*

          One way in the US is to check your credit report, that is what my mom did to make sure no new accts were showing. She also called vendors and verified if she had seen a bill and was concerned she might have her name attached (such as the other oil bill).

          1. I Am Still Furious!!*

            Great ideas! When I moved out last September, I called our fuel oil supplier and closed the account because it was in both of our names. I explained thoroughly that (1) I was moving out and no longer living there, (2) filing for divorce, and (3) I would not be responsible for any of Mr. Furious’s purchases. My name is still on his bank account, but I’m closing it if he doesn’t do it himself this week. I’m going to ask him again, once more, to close it and open a new account just in his name, and if he fails to do so, I’m going to do it and mail him a check for whatever was left in the account (with my attorney’s blessing). And yes, I will be doing a free annualcreditreport dot com check pretty soon.

            1. Anona*

              In case you want to monitor your credit more closely, i’ve used credit karma for a few years. It’s free, and you can check it at any time. It’s not as accurate as a credit report (I’ve found their estimated credit scores to be on the low side), and it does take awhile for things like payments to post (so if you make a payment on a car loan it may not show up there for a few weeks). And it only updates with new information once per week. But I like it because you can check it at any time, and something like a new credit card or utilities account (if SSN is required) would eventually show up.

            2. WG*

              I set up a free account with Credit Karma and receive an email every time there is a change to my credit or a credit inquiry is made. I’m not completely sure the differences between the annual credit report and Credit Karma, but it can be helpful to passively receive email notifications in between the free annual credit report checks. Particularly to know when a credit inquiry is made.

              1. nonegiven*

                The difference is, Credit Kama is a Vantage score, not a FICO score. They have their own formula.

                Also, Credit Karma is based on the info from TU and EQ, not EX.

          2. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

            Also it’s a good idea to put a 1 year freeze on credit in your name. It’s a bit inconvenient because they have to call you if you want to open a new credit card but better than your ex getting credit in your name. You can do it on the websites of any of the 3 credit bureaus and they will automatically contact the other 2.

      1. I Am Still Furious!!*

        They’ll be locked up in my car, in my purse :) and I have the only 2 keys.

      2. I Am Still Furious!!*

        They’ll be locked up in my car, and in my purse, and I have the only 2 keys :)

    4. ..Kat..*

      Put the bags of clothes outside on the porch. Send the check through your attorney. Have you changed the locks yet? Can you have someone with you when he is coming by? Stay strong.

    7. Loopy*

      I’ve been reading along but haven’t commented so far. I am cheering you on! My dad has a relative very very very much like your ex. Obviously, not a similar situation but my heart kind of dropped for you when you described his insistence about the car. As things are already going south for him, and quickly I worry about that turning into harassment. My father’s relative calls and calls and calls and never, ever respects No. It infuriates me because even from a distance, he’s affecting my father’s quality of life so much. But as he’s desperate it only makes him so much worse.

      I’d hate to see your ex keep bothering you and interfering with your life after your worked SO SO hard and so long to get away! Would you consider a restraining order? Please feel free not to answer, it’s none of my business! I may just be way too excited and eager to see you finally free and clear of him 100%! I hope you can shake him off and am so glad you have your attorney’s support.

    8. Captain Vegetable (Crunch Crunch Crunch)*

      Echoing what someone else said, I would not give him the check in person. Mail or forward it through lawyers only. Keep as much space between you and him and your money as possible.

    9. Theodoric of York*

      Congratulations on your progress. You have a lot of work to do, but at least it seems straightforward.

      The common thread running through all the good advice given so far is the idea of distance. Do not deal with him personally or respond to any attempt to contact you directly. Do not send him mail directly. Always use your attorney (and his) as a buffer. Save any email or written material from him for documentation purposes.

      Send his support check through the lawyers. That way, there will be record of you having sent it, and him having received it. Do not give him his clothes in person. Get a friend to hand them over. Don’t even be on site during the hand-off.

  108. LilySparrow*

    Oh my goodness. I just got back from my first evening of contra dancing. It was So.Much.Fun!

    I’ve done other types of social dancing in the past, but this is partner-based and set-based, so you’re really dancing with everyone. The teacher/caller was fantastic, and there was a live band.

    Just being in a room with fifty people all smiling and laughing with each other did my heart good.

    1. Almost Academic*

      Yes I love contra dancing! It’s also a really great way to meet people, both in hometowns and while traveling. I’ve run into friends across the country by going to dances, and the styles in different areas are fun to explore too. North Carolina, for instance, is super “whirly” with a lot of spins common, whereas the Pacific NW area tends to put more emphasis on more complicated weaves and sets.

      The bands are also great! Contraforce is my favorite, if you ever get a chance to go to a dance with them, do it! They rickrolled us in the middle of a set, and threw in some star wars themes even. So much fun!

      I’m so glad you had a good time and felt welcomed to the community!

  111. OyVey*

    This book recommendation will probably out me because I recommend it to everyone: The Book of Intimate Grammar. The child at the center of the story is described as – “he didn’t want to grow up. So he stopped growing.”

    The family at the center of the story is dysfunctional, sometimes very obviously so but other times in much more subtle ways. The boy who doesn’t want to grow up probably has a physical growth disorder (though that is never named in the book) and struggles as he matures mentally but physically stays the size of an eight year old. The end is . . . . ambiguous at best, which I personally love but may not be to every one’s taste

  112. Junior Dev*

    Mental health thread! How are you doing? What are you struggling with? What are you proud of?

    Sorry I didn’t post earlier, I had a busy morning and forgot about it.

    At therapy this week I acknowledged that a lot is going right in my life, but it’s also uncovering less pressing problems I neglected while feeling overwhelmed by being broke these last few years. I’ve got a lot more stability in my life now, and I’m also getting better at certain kinds of self care. And now that I have money I can afford to pay for grocery delivery and house cleaning–those chores were two huge drains on my mental energy and it’s like now I have the capacity to think about other things.

    Still feel sad and lonely but I’m working on it. Seems like at least two different friends are struggling really hard and I wish I could do more to help them. Trying to make plans with a woman I met a couple weeks ago who I would potentially want to date, and trying to overcome all my anxieties and hangups around that.

    How are you doing?

    1. Henrietta*

      It sounds like things are moving in a better direction for you, Junior Dev, glad to hear that.

      It’s a relief to have started Lexapro last week, but I swear it’s a snail’s pace waiting until I can move up to the full dosage. In the meantime, I’m obsessing and second-guessing every little thing I do at my new place-we-don’t-discuss-on-weekends, and generally struggling with the basics like washing my dishes and doing laundry. The truth is that my life is actually in a good place and I know that in my head, but it doesn’t feel that way.

      The therapist I’ve seen periodically for 20+ years–and there is no question she helped me a lot in the past–no longer feels like the right fit for me. Recently she’s behaving with me more like a friend than a therapist, and that’s awkward. I’m in the process of seeking out someone new instead. In the meantime, I’m trying to figure out if I should tell her that I’m wrapping up or just not see her anymore. Is it ghosting when you don’t wrap things up overtly with a therapist after such a long professional relationship? I have no clue what the protocol is there.

    2. StellaBella*

      I am ok – I love this thread thank you. I kicked a$$ this week in uni, on track to have a draft of my thesis done this Friday next, and have friends visiting from Friday to Tuesday so can take a breather. But overall am just tired – from uni, from my landlady’s ongoing need to have the deck redone, bathroom redone, basement redone, radiators redone – all leading to 3 major leaks – one of which has come thru the ceiling and did damage and also think the oil tank is on the fritz but cannot tell yet. Living since March in a construction zone with no relief on rent, etc has irritated me a lot. Plus deck was torn up all summer so for 8 weeks of sun we had …. nada on the deck. Ugh.

      Overall tho – the stress is manageable. The kitty is better now that I sorted out her play area to not view other kitties outside, and sorted out a lot of other minor things for her mental health too. Which makes mine better, as well.

      Hugs all and thanks for reading my rant.

    3. Laura H.*

      A mess trying to hold myself together. My mom and dad are both going thru completely unrelated separate problems and I’m stressing.

      I’m ok when I don’t think too hard on it but it’s not an easy time for me right now. (But it’s not easy for them either so I’m trying to put my issues aside for the moment in order to be there for them.)

    4. LizB*

      Had two days this week where I didn’t successfully take my meds. :( One day I just forgot. The other day, I took them, but taking them made my gag reflex act up so badly that I quickly lost them and everything else in my stomach, and then had to rush so I wouldn’t be late to work and was too afraid to try again before I left. This is the third time in the past few months I’ve managed to set off my gag reflex by taking meds… I may bring it up with my doctor, because it’s really unpleasant.

      1. tangerineRose*

        I don’t know if this is similar to your gag reflex, but I’ve have a tough time swallowing a pill with water. I found that if I take a piece of cheese, chew it some, then throw the pill in my mouth, I can usually get it down. Hope this helps.

    5. Janeitenoir*

      Off and on, but generally okay for me. I had a bad OCD relapse about two weeks ago and resorted to compulsions and panic attacks, but it did make me stubborn enough and annoyed that I’ve been really on the ball about thoughts since. Accepting uncertainty is so hard, especially with some of my themes. Boyfriend and I worked through some relationship stuff on Saturday night, but we’re all good now and signing documents for our new place today. Looking forward to a week mostly off and seeing Hamilton in Chicago, though I’ll also be dealing with a trigger for two days (trying to proactively get used to it).

    6. Isotopes*

      I finally started Cipralex. It turns out that being honest with my doctor about how I was feeling made him much better able to help me with my mental health. Haha. So now I need to start some counseling (maybe I should have started that first), and I get some provided through work, which I’m going to try out. So things are hopefully going to get better. And I haven’t had any really awful side effects from it, other than some manageable gut stuff.

      So I’m feeling optimistic. About some things. My marriage is falling apart, I think. So that’s one of the things I need to talk through with a counselor. But I’m feeling more optimistic than I have in a long time.

      I’m really glad you were able to throw money at those problems to help yourself out! I think that’s great. I’m considering something similar – so far it’s meant spending a lot more on takeout than I’m really comfortable with, but it has definitely helped a bit.

  113. Lissa*

    Realistic mental health suggestions/comments/thoughts if anyone has the energy to read my post would be appreciated. I am working on getting in to see someone, but I don’t even have a family doctor because they are basically impossible to get in my city.

    I’ve struggled with anxiety/intrusive thoughts before but for the last few days/week I have felt a worsening overwhelming pit of dread in my stomach, it’s an extremely physical sensation that is making it very hard to get anything done. I just started a new (second) job and I’m sure the stress around that is part of it, but my brain has decided to focus on really useful things like family drama from 15 years ago, income inequality, and how I made a dumb joke to my friend and now she probably thinks I’m Satan…. etc. Does anyone have any advice on lessening this – I can push it back a little by doing things like jogging, podcasts etc. but it always returns, especially before bed and when I wake up, and just randomly all through the day. There’s other weird stuff in my head/body too at the moment (I am on such a hair trigger for being startled for instance), but I don’t want to make this post too long, just wondering if anyone has any experience with this sort of thing and any practical/immediate solutions. Have considered trying to have a couple glasses of wine but not sure if that would be a bad idea either if it makes things worse or becomes a habit. It’s largely settled in my stomach so I’m having trouble eating, which is, uh, not normally a problem I have. Again not sure if it’s a better idea to force myself to eat when feeling this bad with digestive stuff or to not.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Take a look at your self-care.
      My pastor said, “Widows who walk do better in the long run than widows who don’t.” Walking helps with many types of concerns. If the best you can do is ten minutes every other day or so you will probably still get some benefit.

      Hydration. Did you know that before people die from dehydration they basically lose their minds first? Decide on a set amount of water and make sure you drink that much each day. If you miss, every day is a clean slate to start over.

      Raw fruits and veggies. Make smoothies if that is the only way you can get yourself to enjoy this stuff. If you do like these foods have them on hand for snacks. Lack of vitamins and minerals messes up our organs, when the organs don’t work right our thinking tanks.

      Cut back on media. Even if you do not do much media, you can still cut it back more.

      Stomach. Please do something to help with your stomach, if that is not breaking down your food correctly a bunch of other dominoes fall down also. Maybe you like Pepto, or perhaps ginger tea is your go-to. At this point I am not sure if I would wait to feel pain before I took action. I think I would take something in the morning when I got up in anticipation that my stomach would hurt at some point in the day.

      Worry eats at our stomachs, hearts, adrenal glands and so on. Yes, the emotional can become physical. I favor a two pronged attack, you have a therapist in the pipeline so that is great. While you wait see what you would like to do to help protect your organs and body.

      And in case you did not see it, I am a big fan of telling people to cry when they need to. Crying causes chemicals to be released in the brain that help it to stay healthy. I usually feel better the day after a good cry. YMMV, of course. You may need to have several cries to have one ounce of relief. It depends on a person’s setting.

    3. Yetanotherjennifer*

      I just listened to a radio program about alcoholics with anxiety. There’s a lot of them. For someone with anxiety, the first few drinks help them feel normal, but it’s the wrong sort of medication because you come to depend on it and need more and more to feel the same. So I’d avoid alcohol right now.

      For me, a few things can help with what I call sticky thoughts, like your one about the dumb joke and bad memories. One is to set aside time every day to ruminate about such things…and actually do it. So when you think your friend must hate you, you tell yourself you’ll think about that during your worry time. Make a list. You’re not cringing as you push the thought away, you’re rescheduling it like you’d reschedule a phone call you remembered you need to make. Respect the thought and the time. It’s important to you right now because it symbolizes a loss and something you can’t control, so treat as something that deserves an appropriate amount of real estate in your brain. At your worry time, take no more than 15 minutes and let the whole thing run through your mind. Also imagine all the bad outcomes that could happen. As painful as it is, do not stop these thoughts, let them flow. Maybe say parts out loud or write it all down. Then tell yourself that your friend probably understands, but she might not and you can’t control that and so you need to accept it. And it’s ok. You’ll be ok. While you’re doing this, you’re probably feeling pretty anxious. Recognize and acknowledge that feeling. Meditative or belly breathing can help. You could also have a cup of tea. You can also try just skipping to the acceptance part in the moment but that skill usually comes after a few sessions of rumination time. I wonder why you’re focusing on those memories right now. Maybe give that some thought during your time. It’s also ok to kindly identify these thoughts as unhelpful or as junk mail, but I find acceptance to be the most helpful.

      Meditative breathing will also help with your stomach problems, as will accepting the sensation as something that is happening right now. Sort of like muscle soreness after exercise. It’s not harmful and you know why it’s there… this is another form of acceptance. It can also help to identify the feeling as anxiety and acknowledge that you’re feeling anxious. Say it out loud if you can, as neutrally as noticing weather that doesn’t affect you. And have you noticed these things all center around loss and control? That’s pretty common.

      As for eating…you want to avoid eating your feelings. Try eating a sit-down meal at regular times in the day. You can listen to music, but try not to distract yourself too much. Notice the food and how you’re eating it. Pay attention to your feelings of hunger and satiety and respect them. If you can’t eat much then that’s ok. You’ll try again at the next meal. Smoothies can be an easy way to get calories, but they’re not very filling so try and have something solid with it.

      So the short version: notice…name…accept. And breathe. I’ll be thinking of you and wishing you peace.

    4. foolofgrace*

      Look into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. There are plenty of books, try the library. If you don’t know what it is, a short explanation is that when you have an intrusive thought, you examine it and reframe it as to what it really is. For example your friend thinking you’re Satan. When you examine it, you realize how untrue the thought actually is. It’s a pain in the neck when you first get started because there are just so many intrusive thoughts, but it gets easier as you do it. It helps in removing you Negative Inner Critic, something I have had trouble with. Hope this helps, it helped me a lot.

      1. Book Lover*

        There are lots of books, but if that feels overwhelming, I like the feeling good handbook. Otherwise, explore a bit and see what feels like the best fit for you. CBT is definitely the way to go, in the long run, at least.

    5. families!*

      When I was suffering from this, the one thing that really helped me was to repeat a mantra/poem/prayer kind of saying over and over and over. It had to be long enough that eventually my mind would calm down and I’d get some relief for a few minutes and eventually the time I had relief grew. Is there a poem or something like that that you like and respond well to? It had to be more than 4-5 lines because when in that state I could say that and not even notice I had said it so longer worked better for me.

    6. Detective Amy Santiago*

      Is there someone in your life that you can talk to about this? When my anxiety was at it’s peak, I found that verbalizing my feelings was helpful.

    7. WellRed*

      This is all i interesting, as well as the responses. As someone not well versed in anxiety orders, but in other health condtions, my thoughts went immediately to cardiac problems.

      2. Lissa*

        thanks for the thought! I am pretty sure my heart is OK, have always had a faster than usual pulse my whole life, and it’s actually started to drop a bit as I get more fit/actually do cardio and don’t just sit on the couch all day. I have often wondered though if fast pulse is connecting to anxiety, since so many things that help one slow down the other…

    8. Thursday Next*

      People have offered some thoughtful input, so I’ll focus on a couple of specific things.

      Jogging and other exercise is great! Whatever you can do, keep at it. It’s a positive feedback loop for the brain.

      In the moment, breathing exercises are really helpful. Inhale for a count of four, hold for four, exhale for a count of eight (you want the exhale to last longer than the inhale). And actually count in your head—it’s a place to focus your thought, away from intrusive thoughts. Even a few cycles of this can be calming. I use it often.

      Re. wine: in addition to the addictive aspects of it, (1) alcohol is not great for an already upset stomach, and (2) it can really disrupt sleep, which is terrible for coping with anxiety. I have been a problem drinker (which I think is the technical term) to cope with anxiety, and the first glass of wine did help—at first. Soon I needed a second glass to do what the first glass had been achieving.

      I don’t know what kind of intrusive thoughts you’ve been having, so *only use this if you think it’s appropriate for you.* Sometimes I try to acknowledge my intrusive thought instead of frantically pushing it away. “Oh, there it is again,” I think. Or I visualize it as a twig in a stream, and watch it float away, out of sight. I mean, yes, it eventually comes back, but then it goes away again.

    9. Zona the Great*

      Look into transcendental meditation. TM.org will point you to the right direction for your area.

    10. Teach*

      1. Wear yourself out with whatever type of physical activity works for you.
      2. Eat healthy stuff, because low blood sugar makes everything worse.
      3. Anxiety for me always lands in my throat so I’m gaggy and barfy – super strong mentholated peppermint cough drops kill this feeling and are socially acceptable. Mint tea, ginger ale, or Trader Joe’s ginger mints might do the trick for you.
      4. Use visualizations before bed. There are some good self-hypnosis podcasts that are free and effective. Don’t drink – a benedryl or melatonin to knock you out are probably better options.

    11. Lissa*

      Thank you so much everyone! I really really appreciate it. I have gone through the suggestions and tried some of them, including downloading Woebot! I didn’t have the wine but did try a couple “natural” remedies (pretty woo probably, but oh well), as well as some guided meditations – results are that I am down to about a 4 from an 8 on the brain bees front, though physically still feel pretty bad aftereffects. Managed to eat a Subway sandwich with no terrible results, though my stomach still hurts. Wasn’t able to do any physical activity at all because the combination of feeling wobbly and weak physically and the ridiculous heat/humidity meant I was outside for about 10 minutes before coming back in – this is bad for me as I am normally decently active, walk 15k steps a day and do light jogging, yoga, etc.

      Have work tomorrow morning as well as some results back from new job stuff that’s another worry, decided to cancel my plans for tomorrow night because I don’t think I can deal with anyone who’s not a partner/good friend in a social context right now.

      It’s interesting because I rememberd, I had very similar stuff going on during my first painful breakup in high school, my first girlfriend and I were really on/off full of drama and I was an absolute mess who couldn’t eat, lost 20 pounds etc. for a year, but it’s not been this bad since, even when objectively worse things were happening to me. So not sure what’s bringing this on now.

      Whoever suggested less media is spot on though, I have to stop reading upsetting internet arguments.

      1. Isotopes*

        Honestly, getting Ativan (lorazepam) was one of the things that helped me out the most when I started to find that my anxiety was no longer manageable through my usual methods. I take one (or a half) when things get really bad, and it helps me to calm down and think clearly and breathe and just…get through it.

        Like you, I tend to experience most of the physical symptoms of anxiety (particularly the gut ones), so as a once-in-a-while thing, I find the meds actually do a great job. As a bonus, I tend to get a slightly better sleep if I take one, and getting a good night’s sleep is really important for mental health all around.

        Best of luck! It sounds like you’ve started a few things, and I hope they’re really helpful for you.

  114. The Other Dawn*

    Any suggestions for curtain colors for this room? The wallpaper has a tiny white dot pattern. I bought some yesterday and they just blend right into the wall. I’d prefer to stick with valances and swags only. I’m not big on panels, although a sheer panel underneath those that can be swept to one side using a tieback would be good. My house is very old and curtain tiebacks were usually on one side of the window. I also included a picture of when we moved in since that shows the actual color a little better, whereas the first one shows a little of the furniture. The sofa on the left has a country blue and white floral pattern.

    https://i.imgur.com/mAe9bK9.jpg
    https://i.imgur.com/x53MqT5.jpg

    1. Aealias*

      That’s a gorgeous blue! The room could use a contrast colour, though.

      Modern: bright yellow or red, probably not a print. Pick up some throw cushions and a table-runner or placemat in prints of the same colour.

      More traditional: a warm brown to match the coffee table. Or a pale blue velvet to match the sofa, with drippy crystal trim on the valence.

  115. eating for one*

    One question. I’m single and live alone. My kitchen in too small for eating in. I have a dining room table, and often it gets crowded with stuff I dump there (I’m working on this). I tend to eat my meals out of a folding table sitting on the couch and also have my laptop there. I can watch television there too. When I do eat at the table, it feels strangely formal for one. Also the table is comfortable but not as comfortable and the cats can definitively access the dining table more than my small table (more angles to get to it!). But it seems that if I’m using a folding table something in my set up is not ideal. Do you eat at a table? Maybe it feels formal because I don’t do it often enough. I usually just plate my food in the kitchen and take that wherever.

    1. Red Reader*

      I’m not single and don’t live alone and we pretty much never eat at my dining room table unless we have company, everyone eats either in the living room on the couch or at their various computer desks. When I was growing up, kids ate at the table and parents frequently ate in their chairs in the living room, again unless some sort of occasion was happening.

    2. SemiRetired*

      Similar situation but I no longer even have a dining table. (I have a card table I can pull out if I have visitors.) do what suits you…

    3. Claire (Scotland)*

      I eat at the dining table all the time. It doesn’t feel formal to me, it’s just what I’m comfortable with – I don’t like eating on my lap sitting on the couch, for example, I find it awkward and uncomfortable but it works for other people just fine.

      If your current setup works for you, there’s nothing wrong with it. If you want to change it up, perhaps you could try eating at the dining room table for a week and see if it becomes more natural and comfortable for you? But honestly, I think you can just do whatever works for you.

    4. Bibliovore*

      When I eat on my own, I do eat at the dining room table, usually reading or spreading out the newspaper. Or if I have some tv watching planned in front of the tv. I just realized. I eat at the table if I cooked for real. one or two plates, hot food. I eat in front of the TV if I make a salad or cheese and fruit or nachos or leftovers.

    5. Little bean*

      When I was single, I only ate at the dining table if I wanted to read, since there was more room to lay out a book. But I usually ate on the couch watching TV. I had what is essentially a TV tray, but it was a fancy metal one from pier one imports, as opposed to a folding wooden one, so it looked a lot nicer in my living room.

    6. Zona the Great*

      Now coupled but it’s the same as when I was single: table covered in junk and I/we eat at the couch.

    7. Middle School Teacher*

      I’m single and live alone and eat on the couch in front of the tv. My dining room table is also a repository for stuff. I figure, the dog doesn’t care, and there’s no one else to impress, so…. meh.

    8. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      My table is in front of the TV, so I often watch something over dinner. Otherwise I often eat at my desk in front of the computer if I’m home alone, or if DH and I are both doing something on the computer we will eat at our respective desks. I think the only thing not ideal about your setup is if you don’t like the folding table! Otherwise whatever works for you is good.

    9. The New Wanderer*

      When I was single and lived alone, I had exactly the same setup as you (cats, messy dining table, folding table at the couch, etc). Seems totally normal to me. :-) I’m usually alone for lunch during the week and I still eat at the counter or in front of the computer rather than at the table, even though it’s almost always cleaned off.

    10. Not So NewReader*

      It might feel formal because the table is too big for just one person?
      I am on my own also. I don’t use the dining room table at all. I either eat at the smaller kitchen table or I eat at my computer desk. I prefer smaller areas.
      No matter where I ate my old cat followed me. I kept a spritzer of water nearby. After a bit she learned, “MY food”.
      (I should say, I use the spritzer only in the beginning. She quickly learned what it was and all I had to do was pick it up. I didn’t like the cats getting on food surfaces.)

    11. Anonymosity*

      I do what you do. I plate in the kitchen and eat on the futon in the living room (first thing I’m doing when I have the money is getting rid of that thing, ugh). I have a small breakfast bar-type table with two stools, but I almost never eat there–mostly, I put stuff on it. My kitchen isn’t really very pleasant to eat in. Ugly cabinets and I regret my choice of paint color (apple green).

      Nobody eats with me, so I don’t bother moving the table or anything.

    12. Gatomon*

      Single and no space for a dining table — I eat at the coffee table/on the couch. I use a tray table to bring things over and to try and prevent food from getting all over the couch. It feels slightly nicer to me than having a folding table (they’re so wobbly anyway I always worry they will collapse/fall over).

      My dream is to get an apartment with enough space for a very small dining table, a 2-person set. I used to have a proper table and ate there nearly all the time, though… it was angled towards the TV. Now my home is too small.

      When I was growing up there was a strict “dinner at the table” rule, except on pizza night. The table was in the breakfast nook though, not the actual dining room (or actual table). Breakfast and lunch and snacks were typically on the couch. This may be why I’m more comfortable with the table?

    13. LuJessMin*

      I haven’t used my dining room table for dining in years. Right now it’s my cat’s dining room table – she’s fed there so her brother won’t eat all her food.

    14. Gaia*

      Single, live alone, and as we speak I am sitting on the couch with one foot under me and one foot stretched out along the cushions. Laptop on my lap, TV turned on across the room. My bowl is next to me on the cushion. Every few minutes I pick it up and take a bite. This is how I eat literally every meal at home. When I have lived with other people I did the same. I can eat at a table comfortably (and do so when I go and visit family) but I tend to eat so slowly at home that it would be weird to do so.

  116. London Stacey*

    My fiancé’s sister wants to have a baby and has been trying to find a guy to make that happen. She is the last person in the world who should be having kids. Her anxiety is so out of control she can’t even look after herself or function. She gets anxious and nervous about everything. My fiancé and his family have so much stress because of her. To show what I am talking about:

    -her neighbour was raking leaves and using a leaf blowing device. A a couple of leaves ended up on her back stairs. She panicked thinking it was some kind of evil message, would not go outside at first, when she did go outside she hyperventilated when touching the leaves to get them off the stairs to the point paramedics had to come over and she phoned everyone in the family multiple times to tell them how insensitive and horrible the neighbour was. Her parents had to talk to the neighbour, who was totally reasonable and apologized. Meanwhile she still is upset about the incident over a year later.

    -she went to a movie at the local theater. It is all reserved seating now and the theater had recently upgraded the seats, so the seating plan was different than before. It was new so people were having to stop and look at the seat and row number. She panicked over others not finding their seats even though she had hers fine and she kept calling in staff to help even though no one needed help as it took an extra minute for them to find their seats and that’s it. She had a crying meltdown and kept on asking others to see their tickets to make sure they had the right seats even though she wasn’t staff and no one was fighting over seats. The manager had to tell her to stop calling staff for something that wasn’t her problem to solve because no one else was actually having a problem. It upset her so much she couldn’t pay attention to the movie.

    -the family went out to a restaurant for my fiancé’s grandmother’s birthday. She got upset and hyperventilated in the parking area because the cars on either side of her parent’s car were not exact in the middle of their spaces. They were in the spaces but were closer to the line on one side of the car than they were on the other. There was enough room to park and open the doors no problem but her meltdown was so bad she couldn’t eat anything. She afraid of the car getting hit and wanted to find and tell the owners they needed to move.

    -someone at her work said hello to her in the lobby. She didn’t know this person. They had an ID badge for the company and they work there. All they said was hello. She got so anxious she couldn’t answer and she thought the person was harassing or stalking her. From this one incident it got so bad she had to go on medical leave.

    I could write a thousand more examples but this gives you an idea. We decided to leave her out of planning the wedding and not talk about it around her because even though it isn’t her wedding the thought of the logistics was putting her into a tailspin and she kept panicking. She has a medical team and goes to therapy and a support group. She takes medication. But she has been like this for her whole life. There is no way she can take care of a baby when ever little thing causes her to meltdown. Yesterday when some of us were over at my fiancé’s aunt and uncle’s home she cried so badly over getting a few drops of water on the counter when washing her hands before dinner that she had to be taken home. Her family has tried to intervene but she has never harmed herself or said an intent to harm herself or another person so the options are limited. I don’t know what they will do if she becomes pregnant. My fiancé just started a new job, his best friend is recovering from an operation and we bought just a house and are getting it ready to move in after the wedding and we are planning a wedding. Sorry this is a novel but I don’t want to vent to my fiancé and his family because they are stressed enough so I needed to vent out.

      1. The New Wanderer*

        It sounds like she is (therapy, support group, medication) but that it’s clearly not working. She needs an updated prescription and therapy routine because it sounds like a really untenable situation.

        TBH it doesn’t sound like she’s likely to actually get to the procreating stage with anyone in the near future and that it will probably remain a dream, but she definitely needs better help now for her own sake.

    2. Zona the Great*

      Wow. Your fiance’s family is wildly understanding but I’m not sure they’re doing her any favors by essentially enabling this. Speaking to the neighbor leafblower is an example of enabling as that is so far off of what is socislly acceptable. She definitely does not qualify for parenthood at this rate. I’d be pushing for intensive in-patient therapy if it’s available. Im not sure what you can do besides lovingly decline to speak to wayward parkers or wipe drops of water for her.

      1. Thursday Next*

        I’m betting her family spoke to the neighbor because it seemed like a way to get her to stop calling them.

        I am not a therapist, but I think “lovingly declining” to do things for her sounds like a great approach. I’d add that you should tell her, when you decline, that you’re not going to continue to discuss this with her, and that you’ll change the subject if she raises it.

        I know standard advice is to tell you, London Stacey, that it’s not your circus, not your monkeys, but I’m with you in feeling concern when someone so anxious talks about having a child. It’s great that she’s in treatment, but it doesn’t sound like she’s (yet) in a position to be a parent. I was raised by a very anxious mother who was nowhere near this anxious, and it was tough. She definitely made me fearful of everyday things and look at small things as failures to be avoided at all costs. A lot of my childhood was about managing her anxiety. It wasn’t great.

      2. Observer*

        I agree very much with the lovingly decline to do things.

        I don’t agree that talking to then neighbor was “enabling”. Yeah, the neighbor apologized, but do you really think he’s going to stop using the blower? Nor is she feeling satisfied with the outcome – she’s still upset a year later.

    3. Little bean*

      Oh wow, I see why you’re worried. My brother in law is having a baby and I’ve been worried bc he has anxiety issues but not nearly this bad. More just like extremely overprotective and apt to overreact to things. Like if his wife is driving somewhere new for the first time, he’ll go with her on a practice run, or follow her there the first time. When something isn’t going the way he wants it to, he’ll get flustered easily and start yelling. We’re all nervous about what is going to happen once there’s an actual baby in the picture.

    4. Detective Amy Santiago*

      Is her therapist aware of these incidents? Because it doesn’t sound like whatever treatment she is getting is helpful. I have a pretty severe anxiety disorder that is mostly under control now thanks to medication and this sounds like an exhausting and awful way to live.

    5. WellRed*

      Second any comments re: a review of her treatment plan (remember the LW who went to her coworkers house?). I understand the worry, here but she sounds like she’s in such a state that guys will smell it a mile off and steer clear.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yeah, the treatment plan is not working AT ALL. Honestly, I don’t think she would last more than a few minutes with a date, never mind get pregnant by them. She seems to share every thing that is happening to her, I think if you have a real worry, you will know.

        The common thread running through all your examples seems to be about care- either taking care of herself or taking care of others. And a baby is more of that care thread. Some times when people want a baby they can be hoping to get the care they need by taking care of a baby. We know that is not how that works.

        If you guys wrote out a list of these examples and gave it to her therapist/other medical people involved here it might be helpful to them to decide on a different course. In the process of making that list you can be sure to work in several examples about the desire to have a child. They will probably have inroads to working on that question.

        I spent just over a decade working with folks with all kinds of disabilities. I know first hand the examples you show here would be extremely helpful for them. No HIPAA concerns here, because you just hand the list to them and ask nothing. “Here, please read this. I am worried.” That is all you say. Make several copies and give it to several people, that way if one overworked person loses sight of it someone else will pick up on it.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Posted too fast. I wanted to be sure to emphasize that your examples here are VERY GOOD. Use these find a couple more similar then type it out and deliver it.

    6. LilySparrow*

      Does she have any experience around real, live, actual babies?

      Is there any way she could “volunteer” as a supervised mother’s helper to a friend or family member for a few hours? Preferably one who is teething or has acid reflux.

      I’m not being snarky, but I’d think one projectile chunky spitup or runny diaper blowout would be enough to put her off the idea.

      Then again, I’m having a hard time imagining how she would get pregnant. Sexual activity is messy and emotional at the best of times. If water on the counter or a leaf on the back porch sends her, or an unfamiliar person saying “hi” puts her on medical leave, I mean…how is she going to get through the act?

      Unfortunately, I fear she would either get into a situation that turns into assault, or she would be so traumatized that it would feel like an assault even if she gave affirmative consent.

      Has she ever dated at all?

      1. Thursday Next*

        It would have to be a very generous family member or friend! It seems like she’d make a difficult child caring situation harder to get through.

        London Stacy, do you think her desire can be rationalized away through showing her the seamy side of parenting? Do you think she’d take steps to get pregnant via artificial insemination? Unless the answer to one or both is yes, I don’t think the baby thing is something you need to worry about addressing with her—it sounds like her saying this could motivate you to inform her treatment team of some of your observations.

        BTW, I was impressed by how you related these incidents. You were thorough without being judgmental.

  117. Janine Willcall*

    Oh, man, I hope I’m not too late, I need the excellent wordsmithing of the AAM community!

    I got myself into a silly pickle: I use a lot of different fake names online. Partially to confuse companies, partially to protect myself. This is especially true with Craigslist and Freecycle, since it involves strangers coming to my house. But I just met an awesome potential friend through a recent transaction, and she thinks my name is the fake one– and of course I didn’t correct her because I didn’t realize she was awesome/not a serial killer until talking with her for a while! How do I fess up without seeming too weird?

    1. Traffic_Spiral*

      Just say it. “BTW, Bob is a an online handle I use for internet stuff. My name is actually Traffic Spiral.*”

      [* – my name is not actually Traffic Spiral.]

      1. Janine Willcall*

        Thanks, you’re right. I’m feeling awkward because she called me by the fake name, but I just need to get over it!

        2. Not So NewReader*

          You will feel better when she tells you that “Jane” is not her real name either.
          Seriously, thought, tell her soon. If you let it go on and on then that could be a problem.

    2. Triple Anon*

      For things like Craigslist and Freecycle, that’s completely understandable. I would say, “Jane is a name I use for Craigslist. My real name is Becca,” or whatever. And compare it to how some Craigslist users like to meet at Starbucks instead of their home.

  118. Puppy Lover*

    I am a mother, not that it really matters. I’ve looked into organizations and most have income guidelines which I am just over. I plan to apply for all legal aid programs, but I’m prepared to be declined again due to income. I am going to a couple lawyers that have been recommended and see if there’s any way that they can help me. I am expecting them not to help as I have no money for a retainer. If those two plans fall through, I will have to go pro se.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Oh boy. Sending good vibes for a positive outcome. If you hear the NO word, then ask if they know anyone who might be able to help you in some manner. The reason I like this question is that it helps to stop the tears about the NO by forcing me to focus on moving forward in spite of the NO.

      All you need is for one person to say, “I have this friend. Let me call them.”

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Oh yeah, and be sure to ask if their income restrictions are set in stone, especially if you are over the limit by just a little bit.

  119. Blondie (but not really)*

    A bit late in the day but I wanted to ask…Does anyone else here color their hair? My hair goes to the bottom of my rib cage and is all one length. It is naturally dark brown but I get it dyed light blonde have for years. I go to the salon every 6 to 8 weeks and my hairdresser does the roots only and not my whole head. I really only get my whole head done once year when I have a special occasion like a wedding or something. She says it would destroy my hair to do a full head every time plus I know it would cost a lot and take a lot of time. I have always followed her advice and have gotten the same advice from other hairdressers.

    My cousin’s girlfriend also gets her colored. She has close to the same dark natural color as me and also gets it done blonde. But she has a pixie cut that isn’t more than 2.5 inches at the longest. When she goes to the salon every 6 to 8 weeks like me they color her whole head every time. Her hair doesn’t look destroyed or dry and it is very soft and healthy feeling.

    I am wondering why she can get away with getting a full head every time but I can’t. Not that I want to do it (due to the time and cost) but I am just wondering. I admit to being a bit jealous because her hair looks “fresher” and shinier than mine all the time if it makes any sense, because she is getting completely new color each time. Mine doesn’t look terrible or anything but I do like the look of fresh color and feel my best when I get my annual full head of color done. She says she has never had an issue with getting a full head each time. I am just wondering why it works for her but not for me and if anyone else who lightens their hair has run into the same issue?

    1. Hair to Here*

      If you are going from dark brown to light blonde presumably you’d need to bleach it, not just dye it. Bleaching is very damaging to hair and makes it prone to breaking. With short hair this isn’t too much of an issue as it would grown out and get cut, so the hair doesn’t amass enough damage to really show before it gets cut. If you bleached long hair every few weeks it would be dried out, the texture would likely become very poor due to the cuticle getting raised, and the hair would become prone to breaking and damage making it look rough and dull.

      1. Hair to Here*

        If you want to enhance the way your hair looks when you get it coloured, ask about a clear gloss treatment that can be done at the same time. This makes your hair shiny and can enhance your existing colour without doing more damage to the hair shaft.

    2. Perpetua*

      Well, is she getting her hair cut more often as well? Long hair is often seen as (and is) high maintenance, so I think it’s actually a good thing that you get only roots done, especially since blonde is fairly damaging (I have blonde highlights on a dark blonde/lightish brown natural base). Maybe since her hair is so short, the hairdressers figure that even if it gets damaged, they can cut it off soon, whereas your long hair is more of a “risk”…

      There could be many reasons for the disparity in your coloring routine/hair quality – natural hair texture, hairdressers with different comfort limits or skills, care routines…

      Maybe there’s something else you could do to get the fresher look you enjoy? Gloss, toner, highlights? A new cut?

    3. Anonymosity*

      My hair is very long and colored blonde. My routine is similar–roots done every 5-6 weeks, and maybe some highlights / lowlights once or twice a year. I do not dare do it myself with any box colors. Not only would that look like shit, but my stylist would kill me.

      You do NOT want to repeatedly color it all over–it will damage it beyond repair and you’ll likely have to cut it. If you want to go short, that’s a completely different discussion. But long hair, especially bleached hair, must be treated very gently.

      I second the gloss treatment. And talk to your stylist about different ways to style it, to change it up a little. Maybe try some hair chalk or temporary colors for fun–I love putting a pink or purple streak in mine. It doesn’t hurt it, it looks cool, and it washes out.

    4. ronda*

      I have short hair and my hairdresser puts on the color by applying it at the roots, but at the end any color left goes on the rest of the hair.
      I would say the process to get the color on the roots gets about 1/2 of my hair length done and there is not that much hair that the left over color gets put on.

      And I would guess I get about 1/5 of my length cut off each time, so my hair is only re-colored about 4 times before it is gone.

      Longer hair is much older hair and would be colored many more times if you re-colored the whole thing everytime.

      It also may depend on what kind of product she uses to color. The one used on me fades over time, so getting the hair re-colored gets it back where we want it. (I am not going to blonder) For going to blonder, your hair may get blonder over time because of sun, so might not need additional coloring.

    5. Katherine Vigneras*

      Hair grows about 1/2” per month (or about 3/4” between appointments if you’re going every 6 weeks, and 6” in a year.) The woman with the 2.5” hair is only seeing 3-4 full color treatments on any particular segment of hair before it’s trimmed to stay at her preferred length. If your hair is 24 inches long (just a rough number to illustrate), and you get full color once a year, that’s also about 4 full color treatments on your hair’s ends before they’re cut. Now, estimate that you get your hair done 8 times a year (roughly)… that means that by the time your ends have grown 24” from your scalp, 4 years, times 8 treatments a year, is 32 treatments. I’m not a hairdresser but I don’t think your ends would be in great shape with that much processing!

    6. Temperance*

      Her hair is super short, so the damage is constantly cut off. Your hair would look fried.

      1. Sylvan*

        +1. The longest part of her hair is only the result of five months of growth (five months of dye).

        I got away with all kinds of things when I had short hair. If it was damaged, that part would be grown out and cut off quickly. You have to be more careful with long hair because you’re going to live with any damage for a long time.

    7. Gaia*

      So I can say that I have a mousy brown natural color (it was so beautiful when I was in my teens – now it is kinda dull). I dye my hair all the time. Sometimes it is a beautiful violet/red/brown, sometimes it is a rich caramel color, sometimes it is a rich medium brown with just a hint of red.

      My hair grows incredibly fast (so do my nails, probably connected)? To the point I have to do my eyebrows (and chin – thanks, 30s!) every 2 weeks. I go to my stylist every 4 weeks and in that time I have about 1/2 – 3/4″ regrowth. My hair has always tolerated processing really well until about a year ago and now if she does a full head it gets dry like hay. My hair is otherwise very healthy and naturally very oily (to the point I have to wash it daily). My stylist said it often is just related to fluctuating hormone and vitamin levels.

      If you otherwise trust your stylist, listen to them – they know hair!

  120. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

    What do you do with ten years’ worth of stuff when you want to replace the carpet?

    I am contemplating getting new carpet (plus fixing a couple of warped floorboards) but I have so. much. stuff. in the two rooms that need it. I have no idea where I could put all this stuff while the carpet goes down and still have a semi-functional house. Perhaps I could buy a tent and sleep in the back yard the night before the carpet fitters arrive? ;-)

    (Obviously a major declutter is also needed, but that is an entirely other can of worms).

    1. Detective Amy Santiago*

      You could rent one of those pod things that people use when they move. They’ll drop it off and you can pack all your stuff in it.

      1. Damn it, Hardison!*

        Second the pod recommendation. I know people who have used them when refinishing their wood floors.

    2. Chaordic One*

      Maybe you could rent a storage pod? They could come and leave it in your driveway or in front of your house while the carpeting is being installed. Similar to a storage pod, I’ve heard of people renting moving vans or trailers, parking them in front of their houses and using them for short-term storage, like for a few days.

    3. caledonia*

      One room at a time?
      Monday – room one, all stuff in room 2 or elsewhere in apartment/house
      Tuesday – room two, all stuff in room 1

    4. CAA*

      Carpet tear up and replacement in two rooms should only take a half-day of actual labor unless there’s something really unusual about your situation, and you can have them include furniture moving in the carpet installation price. When we had ours done, I piled the loose stuff into the tub up to the ceiling, shoved as much as I could onto the closet shelves, and put everything else in the kitchen and dining room. We ate takeout the nights before and after the installation, but we could sleep in our own bed. The carpet guys moved the furniture from room to room as they worked on each one, then they put it back where it belonged. We emptied out the tub that first night so we could take showers, then I did the rest the next day. Overall, we were disrupted for only 3 days.

    5. Loves Libraries*

      We are having our carpet removed and engineered hardwood floors installed. We are waiting until our 2 children return to college. The crystal and China alone will be in our daughter’s room. Narrow items might go in the hallway and large items in the garage. It will be interesting!

    6. Not So NewReader*

      I broke down the bed in the guest room to give me space and another time I broke down the dining room table to use that room for storage.
      Work with a garbage bag or two beside you. If you cannot decide very, very quickly to keep or discard an item then keep it. But you should be able to spot a few things that can be tossed. The key is allow like 20 seconds to decide. If the answer is “IDK” then keep it and move on to the next item.
      You can get boxes to pack into at the grocery store. You can use a different colored garbage bag for soft items such as pillows that you want to keep.
      Keep papers together in boxes, that way you have some hope of finding them again.
      I try to take decorations down first. They are the least necessary and it’s okay of they get buried under everything else. I left one lamp in the empty room for night time, in case I needed to go through that room for something.

  121. Countess Boochie Flagrante*

    I’m trying to change my cat’s feeding schedule, since my [topic that shall not be named] schedule is changing, and you would think she’s being starved to death over having to wait an extra hour for her dinner! Following me around the apartment crying, sitting and staring at me and crying when I’m sitting down, the whole nine yards of pure drama, all this because I’m dumping goop in her bowl at 6pm instead of 5pm!

    1. Lcsa99*

      Ha! I feel your pain. We moved it from around 5:30pm when we first got home to 8pm. They weren’t happy at first but they got used to it pretty quickly and it’s made us all a lot happier. Now their post meal coma is closer to when we want to go to bed. Previously it was while we were eating and they were up and ready to play just as we were drifting off.

    2. The Other Dawn*

      Yes, cats are such creatures of habit! My cats were getting their wet food around 5:15 am and 4:30 pm, which coincides with my husband’s work hours. Now that he’s on second shift, they eat when I get up around 6:15 am and when I get home from work around 5:45 pm. The first week was tough, because they’d all sit outside the bedroom door and meow and scratch the door because it was past their usual breakfast time. And when I got home, they were practically knocking me over when I walked in the door after work. They’re settling into the new routine after three weeks, but it’s slow going.

  122. PhyllisB*

    Okay, just curious: am I the oldest reader on this forum? Y’all have seen me mention my age a number of times for a couple of reasons: 1. I am proud of every year I’m here. When I was in my mid-30’s I had cancer and there was some question whether I (and the child I was carrying) would survive. Not only did we survive, we are both doing great!! He’s 33 years old now; just had a birthday last Sunday, and I remind him every year what a miracle it is that he is here. Plus I had another when he was almost two. 2. I think it’s good to learn and grow, which this site has allowed me to do, and I mention my age so folks won’t automatically think over 60 means old fogey. (My kids don’t count.)

    So my question is: Will some of you share your ages? You don’t have to put your name if you don’t feel comfortable doing so, I would just like to know the age of the readership. As most of you know by now, I’m 67. Now it’s your turn. Ready? Go!!!

    7. Wicked Witch of the West*

      My birth certificate says I’m 68, going on 69. I pay no attention to that.
      I’ve been deliriously retired for 4 years, and happily self-employed for over 30 before that. Ricocheting around this site like a pinball has shown me that I made the right choice to leave steady employment and go off on my own.

    9. Not So NewReader*

      One of the things I totally enjoy about AAM is the appeal to people of wide age range. I mentioned a while ago, I think I have learned more on this site than I ever learned in college. I guess the wide variety of life experiences?

      I think at some point we had someone near or at 80?
      I will be 58 shortly.

    14. Luisa in Dallas*

      I’m 76 and retired. But I enjoy reading Ask a Manager every day, if only to be thankful for not having to deal! However, my significant other is younger and still working (for a large and dysfunctional private corporation), so I sometimes channel Alison on his behalf.

    15. Sylvan*

      27.

      Can I just say I like that this site’s readers have a wide range of ages? Work-related advice for people in their 20s can be a bit of an echo chamber.

      1. Aurora Leigh*

        Me too! Also 27 and I love the age range. (My best friends are all older than me, from mid 30s to early 60s, too.)

      2. Triple Anon*

        And I love it that people are respectful to each other across the age range. Obviously, we don’t all know how old we are, so that’s a factor. But I love it that commenters here are generally nice.

  125. Handy Nickname*

    Late night call for easy recipes!

    Posting late here, but I’m often low on time and energy in the evenings, so I’m looking to build up my arsenal of easy to make (aka few ingredients/not a ton of prep time) meals. I live alone and am not great about actually eating leftovers unless they can go in a fry pan. No major allergies. I like dishes with meat in them (chicken chunks in stir fry, browned hamburger, etc) but not always a big fan of meat as it’s own entree. I love pasta and veggies, lots of taco-type dishes, teriyaki-type seasoning, and anything Italian.

    Any suggestions?

    1. Katherine Vigneras*

      Tonight I made both a lentil soup (Marcella Hazan) and a bolognese sauce (my modifications to the Betty Crocker cookbook recipe). I made these two together because the ingredients are similar so it was kind of two for the effort of one. Using the food processor to mince the veggies saved a ton of time and I’m excited that my cooking is DONE for the week.

    2. Laura H.*

      Ground meat in cream of mushroom soup with seasonings of choice over rice/ pasta/ mashed potatoes is fairly easy. And yummy.

    3. acmx*

      Budget bytes website. Her recipes are usually minimal ingredients. I don’t know about reheating in a fry pan.

  126. Auntie Anarchy*

    @Sled Dog Mama how’s your gal Cheyenne this week? My PonderRosa’s doing great under the circumstances, and we’re thinking of you both. Belly scritches.

  127. Triple Anon*

    Ending out the weekend on a bad note. I’m stranded again. Waiting for a tow. I’m really hungry. No food at home. Nothing will be open when I get there and it’s not safe to walk around my neighborhood at night. My dog’s having to be home alone too long because it’s taking hours for the tow truck to arrive. I only have about $15. I get paid another $30 tomorrow.

    I’ve lost a lot of friends because when I say, “Times are hard,” people assume it’s my fault and turn their backs on me. In truth, I’ve been dealing with physical limitations and stalking situations that really limit my job options. I wont go into Friday stuff. But I deal with some really awful circumstances and people tend to turn their backs on me instead of wanting to talk. So no one knows what I’m dealing with. I hope I can find a job where they’ll be understanding about everything. But tonight I just need some food and to get home and let my dog out.

      1. Triple Anon*

        Thank you. It’s 12:45am and I’m still waiting. The car broke down around 7pm. I’m in a major city. The insurance company has been really hard to deal with. I just sent one tow truck driver away after a 2 hour wait because he didn’t seem to understand that you have to go to a car in order to tow it. “I’m by the main building. I don’t know where you are. I’ll be here,” after being given clear directions. If someone doesn’t understand how to do their job, I’m not getting in a vehicle with them alone – they might be under the influence or otherwise not clear-headed. The next one sounded even more crazy. I texted the only friend whose number I have on this phone and said I’m in a bad situation and I’m concerned for my safety. No response yet. I’m not expecting anything; he’s one of the people who’s been insulting me when I refer to dealing with bad situations, not wanting to hear what’s going on. But it’s better than not telling anyone. I just hope I make it home alive. And I’m going to switch insurance companies. This one keeps getting more expensive and offering lower quality service.

    2. Triple Anon*

      Good news! I got a good tow truck driver. He was really nice. He got me some food on the way home. Pup is out in the yard. He seems to be ok. And I’m looking forward to going to bed!

  129. Laura*

    I have a book recommendation for you Alison. There’s a series of books starting with ‘The Secret Diary of Adrian Mole, Aged 13¾’ which are very well known here in the UK, but I’m not sure if they’ve made their way over to you. The books are diaries of a (fictional) man from his teenage years to around his forties – his parents and then his future family are dysfunctional throughout, and he thinks of himself as the sane one in the family but if anything is worse than the rest of them! Just thinking of them is making me want to re-read them now!!

  130. Matilda Jefferies*

    I’m late to the thread, but wanted to jump in with a book recommendation: A Short History of Women, by Kate Walbert. Several generations of women in the same family (from WWI to the present day), living their lives, relating to each other, and each being more or less feminist in her own way.

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