{ 1,346 comments… read them below }

    3. Kuododi*

      “I am on my throne so my minions must come to attend my every need Right Now!!!” (This is her current stage of existence as of the taking off this picture!!)

  2. Acne Sucks*

    Has anyone had any success using topical treatments for hormonal acne? I’m really conflicted about it and would appreciate any stories or input.

    I had big red pimples all over my face from middle school until about 2 years ago. I tried a myriad of topical treatments that did nothing—I only got the acne under control (i.e. down to a couple big red pimples a month) using a specific birth control. Which makes sense since it was probably hormonal acne (my Ob/Gyn thinks I have PCOs).

    A few months ago, my forehead and jaw line became covered in tiny, flesh-colored bumps. My dermatologist said it was hormonal acne and prescribed Retin-A. At my 10-week follow up, she said it looked better and doubled the strength of my Retin-A prescription.

    The tiny bumps are still covering my face and jaw-line, and I still get a couple big red pimples each month, so I don’t think the Retin-A is actually doing anything beneficial despite my dermatologist saying it is. And I hate how sensitive it makes my skin—anything I put on it, even moisturizing gel, stings or burns, so my face is always irritated.

    I saw my Ob/Gyn last week and she prescribed a new birth control. I was thinking I should stop the Retin-A and see if the birth control does anything. (If I kept using it and my face cleared up, then how would I know if it was the Retin-A or birth control that helped?) But then I have doubts because shouldn’t the dermatologist know what’s she doing so maybe stopping would be bad? But it’s a topical treatment—how is it going to help hormonal acne?

    1. E*

      Want to put a plug in for Curology – an online dermatology service that sends you a customized cream based on photos you send them. I was skeptical at first but it has done wonders for me (I have battled acne for almost a decade and have been on Accutane 2X). It is expensive ($20/month) but well worth it to me and is cheaper than going to the derm in person. They also suggested I switch my birth control, which I think helped as well, though it killed my sex drive so will need to go back to the drawing board.

      1. Acne Sucks*

        That doesn’t sound too expensive compared to other skin treatments (especially if it works!), but I don’t have more money to throw at this for the moment, so I’ll add Curology to my bookmarks to look at in the future. Thanks!

      2. Photographer*

        Is it like real dermatologists or something closer to estheticians? What kind of custom stuff do you receive? More info, please! :)

        1. E*

          They are real dermatologists/nurse practitioners – I get a concoction of prescription ingredients (mine is zinc pyrithione, azelaic acid, and something else I can’t remember off the top of my head). They also give you advice outside of what they prescribe for you; I can send a photo of a stubborn spot and they’ll recommend that I try this or that over the counter cream. It is also an easy way to get retinoids cheaply; a lot of insurance companies won’t cover it if they suspect you’re using it for anti-aging. There are a lot of people who have used it in r/skincareaddiction, so you can look there for before and after photos and reviews for someone with your skin type (it used to be called pocket derm so you can also search that).

          1. Acne Sucks*

            I’ve never heard of zinc pyrithione or azelaic acid so I am intrigued!

            It sounds awesome that you can just ask them questions without having to go through the whole hassle of making an appointment.

      3. Formerly Finally a Fed*

        Ooh! I don’ know if it was you, but someone plugged Curology previously in an open thread, and I tried it out since I was suffering from hormone and stress-induced acne. I had the same issue that going off birth control really messed with my skin and things got so bad that I was pretty embarrassed about it. I could not be happier with the results from my custom cream – I think this the best my skin has ever looked.

        To answer Photographer’s questions below, my Curology medical provider is a nurse practitioner. After sending a few pics of my skin she proposed the following formula: 8% azelaic acid (anti bacterial, anti fungal), 1% cindamycin (anti inflammatory), and 4% niacinamide (vitamin B3). She recommended a simple regiment of morning: wash face, apply sun screen (she also recommended a couple affordable brands), apply moisturizer and evening: wash face, apply curology cream, apply moisturizer.

        @ Acne Sucks, you can get a free trial, and it will last several weeks, so I’d recommend trying even if you can’t afford to continue, just to see if it works for you.

        1. Acne Sucks*

          A free trial might be good.

          Does the treatment generally have a “purge” period? I don’t want to risk making my acne worse since I’m currently job hunting and having to go to interviews.

          1. Formerly Finally a Fed*

            It didn’t for me – I just started clearing up, but I guess I wouldn’t rule out the possibility?

          2. SciDiver*

            Clindamycin has actually been most helpful to me! I’ve tried a fair range of solutions: hormonal birth control, Retin-A (topical), doxycycline (oral antibiotic), salicylic acid spot treater, clindamycin (topical), etc. I struggled to get into a routine that both worked and I could reasonably do–4 different face washes/creams/gels twice a day plus oral medication was too much. The clindamycin pads were like a lot of other drugstore acne pads, but they worked really well! I liked being able to phase out the oral antibiotics in favor of a topical one, and it doesn’t bleach your clothes like Retin-A will. Two twice a day was easy enough to do and the results were good.

    2. MamaCat*

      Does your dermatologist have an email option for less urgent questions? Because that could be an option; you could lay out your concerns and let them know that you’d like to stop for a bit while going on the new birth control, and how long would be a good amount of time? There’s also the possibility that your dermatologist is wrong, so it might be a good idea to look into a second opinion.

      1. Acne Sucks*

        No, there isn’t a way to e-mail her, unfortunately. I wish there was! My appointments with her are very rushed so there isn’t much opportunity for discussion. (She talks very fast to me, tells her assistant what notes to take, and then is out the door. It doesn’t help that she’s always 45 to 60 minutes late, so I’m preoccupied with worry about how I’m now going to have to make up more time at work.)

        Does my ob/gyn count as a second opinion since I saw her specifically about the acne? Or did you mean I should see another dermatologist? I have other doctor appointments besides the acne-related ones, so having to make yet another doctor appointment right now isn’t doable.

        1. MamaCat*

          I meant dermatologist for second opinion, but talking to your gynecologist would also be a good idea. Would it be possible for you to get a new dermatologist, especially since she always seems so rushed? It seems like you aren’t necessarily happy with your care with her at this point.

          1. Acne Sucks*

            All the “specialists” I’ve ever seen (and am currently seeing) were always super late and super rushed. The only doctor I have that’s on time and isn’t rushed is my primary care doctor. (I’m American. Maybe it’s an American thing? It seems like people in other countries are usually happier with their health care.)

            I can’t make another dermatologist appointment right away for financial reasons.

            1. Marion Ravenwood*

              From a British perspective, I can confirm that my only medical appointments that were on time where when I had the first slot that day. I know there is a drive encouraging people to book double appointments with their GP for more complex problems (average GP appointment slot here is 10 minutes, but the amount of time you spend with the doctor is probably closer to eight), but often people don’t do that so appointments overrun and then that makes other people later. It’s decades since I had to go to a consultant/specialist for anything though so I can’t comment on whether it’s the same, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it was.

        2. neverjaunty*

          Definitely see another dermatologist if you can. This on top of telling you it’s better when you can see it isn’t suggests she isn’t going to treat you appropriately.

          1. Acne Sucks*

            I saw a couple different dermatologists when I was younger, and all the topical treatments they prescribed never helped. I didn’t make any progress until my gy/obn prescribed birth control. Maybe I just need to assume that no dermatologist will be able to treat hormonal acne?

            1. Middle School Teacher*

              There are good ones out there. I love mine (I’m in Canada, to be fair). It took a while to find him, and I don’t know if it’s the same in the states, but here you need a referral to see a dermatologist, you can’t just make an appointment. And our first couple of appointments, he was great: really listened, really looked at my skin, and didn’t go with a nuclear treatment right off the bat. I’ve had bad experiences with some treatments and Accutabe and when I told him, he immediately said we would avoid them. I was in the same boat as you: changed birth control and my skin just exploded: giant cystic pimples all over my chin. It hurt. And I was in my late 20s, and I had teenage students with better skin than me! It was embarrassing.

              I know everyone’s skin is different, and I don’t know your insurance situation, but a few things that worked for me:

              – changed birth control again. I went back to the old one (it was the generic version that killed my skin)
              – a very low dose of spironolactone. I used to take it every day; now I’m only when necessary. If I can see or feel a new pimple forming, I take it and it never gets any worse and heals in a couple of days. (But it can be a bit hard on the kidneys, so the lowest dose necessary is best.
              – blue light therapy. I don’t know how it works (he explained and I forgot; I think it kills the bacteria?) but a few treatments a month made a huge difference. There was another young woman who had her blue light as the same time as me; her skin was in such rough shape, I felt just awful for her. And the blue light was miraculous for her.

              The last thing I love about my derm is that if I do get a bad cystic pimple, I can call in and the nurse will get me in after work, same day, for a cortisone injection. If your derm is rushing you, you need to find a new one, or tell her. I lost it on my family doctor one day for partly that reason: she was always always running late, and that day she’d kept me waiting for almost an hour, and then, when she booked me in for an mri, talked about how if I felt better I should cancel it so I wasn’t “wasting resources” and I kind of told her off about my time is my resource and she wastes it every time I come. I noticed since then, she’s way better. (My chiropractor, on the other hand…)

              Good luck! Adult acne suuuuuuuuucks.

              1. Acne Sucks*

                Maybe I need to move to Canada. :P

                I like how when you told your doctor you had bad experiences with other treatments he immediately said he’d avoid them! At my last appointment, my dermatologist suggested benzoyl peroxide, and when I told her I had a really bad experience with it before, she tried to convince me the bad experience was normal and it’s a miracle cream. I said I’d rather do something like double the strength of the Retin-A than use benzoyl peroxide again, so that’s what she went with.

                Good for you for going off on your time-wasting doctor. :)

                This is the fifth dermatologist I’ve been to in my lifetime. Not many left to chose from! (I wish doctor review sites were more popular. I can’t find reviews for most of the doctors in my area, and the ones that have reviews only have one or two.) I think I’d rather try Curology (as mentioned above) over another dermatologist. It sounds a lot more personalized, they’re available for questions, no long wait in the waiting room, and a bunch of the active ingredients they use are ones I haven’t used before.

                I googled the blue light treatment. It sounds promising but I can’t do it right now (I can’t keep taking off from work, and I’m not sure if that’s something my insurance would cover).

                1. Middle School Teacher*

                  Curology sounds great, I actually bookmarked the page myself, just in case. I find I felt some mini-breakouts that don’t warrant dermatologist intervention but are worse than OTC can treat.

                  But please tell your derm she’s rushing you! And she needs to listen! It’s so aggravating. Good luck!

                2. Observer*

                  OK, you’re doctor is officially an idiot. Someone who tells you that your side effects didn’t happen should not be practicing medicine. It’s not like there are no know effects of the medication (as is true for just about every medication on the market.) It may be a wonderful choice for most people, but there ARE people who have side effects, even to the best drug. Ignoring that is just irresponsible.

            2. Observer*

              There are decent dermatologists out there – and the best one WILL tell you when the topical treatments won’t work.

              But, you’re not going to get the treatment you need when your doctor is prescribing based on her expectations rather than facts. If you are saying that it’s not improving and she says you are, it sounds like she’s not looking at you – and I’m betting she doesn’t have a picture to compare with either.

              So, step one is finding someone who is ACTUALLY PAYING ATTENTION.

    3. Mmmm S’mores*

      Id be careful of taking away 2 products and then using a different one all in one shot. It would be difficult to narrow down whats going on. Always change one variable at a time

      1. Acne Sucks*

        Changing one variable at a time makes sense. I’m not sure if the Retin-A counts as a variable though since it didn’t have any effect (it didn’t help my acne and it also didn’t make me break out, it just made my face super sensitive).

    4. Book Lover*

      If it is around jawline and you think it is hormonal, then spironolactone often works well and is cheap. Your gyn or pcp can prescribe it.

      1. ronda*

        I will 3rd spirolactone. when i had to go off birth control, I had my worst acne ever…. on birth control I usually got a pimple every few months. On antibiotics I usually got one or 2 a month. On spirolactone I get a few a year.
        they do regular blood tests to make sure it isnt to the point where it is hurting the organs… so watch your dosage.

        I have creams and never thought they worked on me.

        My friend got bad acne after pregnancy and had to go to a different doctor to address it cause the first one just made it worse. If you are not getting the service and results you want….. Don’t see that doctor.

        1. Acne Sucks*

          Spironolactone! I’ve read about that and it sounds like it would help hormonal acne. I’ve never asked for it though because, from what I’ve read, it might have bad interactions with some other medical issues I have. I don’t want to chance it since it took so long to get the other issues in remission. I’d rather have a zillion bumps on my face than be sick all the time.

          1. Middle School Teacher*

            I also mentioned spironolactone in my giant comment above and I can’t say enough good stuff about it. It works like a charm.

            1. Middle School Teacher*

              Oops, I missed the rest of your comment. Yeah, it might not be great if it has interactions.

      2. Catherine*

        Spiro has worked miracles on me. I can’t say enough good things about it. I was already prone to low blood pressure but I don’t think it’s made that any worse.

    5. LilySparrow*

      Pardon me if you’ve already tried this, but for me, the tiny red bumps in localized areas are usually contact-related, as opposed to the big ones that appear in more random spots.

      For me, hairline and jaw are usually because I’ve developed a sensitivity to my hair products – often a fragrance, but sometimes another ingredient.

      Have you tried switching your shampoo, conditioner, styling products, etc? Try 2 weeks on a different, hypoallergenic or unscented brand and see if anything changes.

      1. Acne Sucks*

        I actually originally went to see the dermatologist because I thought it was an allergic reaction or some other skin problem and couldn’t figure out what it was from (I hadn’t had any diet, laundry detergent or skin care changes). She assured me it’s hormonal though (closed comedonal acne).

        I just googled contact dermatitis, but that looks like a red rash and is supposed to be itchy. My bumps are flesh colored and aren’t itchy at all.

        I’d been using an unscented moisturizer on my legs for a while and accidentally got the one with fragrance last week. Didn’t think it’d matter much but my legs are itchy now, so I understand how irritating some ingredients can be. :/

        1. LilySparrow*

          No, I don’t mean a contact dermatitis rash. You’re right that it’s different than the small bumpy acne.

          I mean that some products make me break out in acne, and it’s different-looking than the larger angry-looking ones that I get at certain times of the month. I had to change my product lines a couple of times a year until after I had my kids. I don’t seem to react that way anymore now that I’m in perimenopause, which makes me think hormones are a factor somehow.

          It’s just a wierd thing that I discussed with my doctor at the time, who basically shrugged and said, “nobody really understands this stuff completely, because people are different, so do what works.”

          So if the other stuff doesn’t help, it’s something to try.

          1. Acne Sucks*

            Oh! Okay. I misunderstood.

            I think I should be okay as far as moisturizers and face wash go since I started totally new ones about 10 weeks ago and there hasn’t been any change in my skin.

            I’m halfway through my current bottle of shampoo, so I could try just buying a new brand when I run out. I use a plain shampoo with nothing special in it, so shouldn’t be hard to find an equivalent in another brand.

            Thanks!

          2. Gatomon*

            +1 After many years of slathering my face in OTC creams to try and kill the acne, I went on a week-long trip and forgot the creams. I also forgot all the exfoliating products, all I had was a basic face wash. I didn’t want to rebuy and haul home my entire array of products again. I expected to turn into a pizza face, but my acne actually started to clear up! Turns out a lot of my acne was caused by irritation from all the products I was using to kill the acne.

        2. Middle School Teacher*

          Have you considered they could be milia? Basically they’re little bumps caused by a buildup of products in the pores (makeup, face cleansers, etc). They look like pimples, like whiteheads, but they aren’t. They aren’t infected or anything, but they are hard lumps that are impossible to shift. The only thing that that got mine out was either GlamGlow Super Mud (super expensive at Sephora) or I’d get a facial and the esthetician would get them out. I’m not saying your derm is wrong but if she’s that rushed, is she taking the time to really look at your face? You could be putting yourself through a lot of treatments for nothing.

    6. Applesauced*

      I went in Auctane for 6-12 months in my mid 20s to clear up cystic acne and since have had great results with teatree oil as a toner.

      R/skincareaddiction might have more specific suggestions

    7. J.*

      I have very, very similar acne issues to what you’re describing and I agree, it sucks!! Retin-A eventually did help the closed comedones go away for me (mostly), but doesn’t seem to do much for pimples. I’m still trying to find something that really works for those…

      Not sure if you already tried this, but in terms of skin sensitivity, I stopped using the Retin-A daily and instead went to every other day, which helped a lot. Retin-A ended up working for my skin in the long haul, after regular use over about 6 months, but I didn’t even notice any improvement until like month 4 of using it (not sure how long you’ve already been on it).

      Best of luck to you!! Hope you are able to find something that works for you!

    8. ISeeYouRN*

      I had really severe hormonal acne, and I found cutting out dairy cured it. Better then topical, birth control, multiple rounds of accutane (don’t recommend this, it’s napalm to your body :/), proactiv- you name it. So it might be worth a try, if you’re willing.

      Also, the NIH released a study that found spearmint tea (vs peppermint, etc) was highly effective in balancing hormones and reducing hormonal acne. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/m/pubmed/19585478/

      So cutting out dairy & drinkng spearmint tea might be 2 non-invasive options to try :) good luck!!

    9. ISeeYouRN*

      My first comment disappeared- I used to have really similar acne (it sounds like) to yours- big hormonal cystic acne. I tried everything, accutane (# rounds, don’t recommend) topical, proactiv etc. I found quitting dairy cured it. ‍♀️ I had to go scorched earth on the dairy front initially and now I can eat cheese, yogurt etc without immediately breaking out in a cyst (more complex diary products essentially).

      Also, the NIH found that drinking spearmint tea made a huge improvement in hormonal acne. So those are 2 fairly cheap/easy options to try. :) good luck! It’s so lame dealing with adult acne.

    10. RestlessRenegade*

      I don’t have any acne advice because that’s the only good thing about my genetic makeup, BUT solidarity for a fellow PCOS cyster. I’ve read that something like 10% of people with ovaries have it and many don’t know it, and while it sucks that there’s no real cure, it’s important to treat the symptoms! I hope you get the care you need and deserve.

    11. Ann Nonymous*

      Go straight for Accutane. It’s a miracle medicine. I wish they had it when I was a teen/young adult/30 year old.

    12. Marguerite*

      I’m sorry that you’re dealing with this. I’m in my early 30s and still dealing with acne. I was on the birth control route because my Derm wanted me on Accutane, but I didn’t want to go on it because I didn’t think my acne was bad enough and to be frank, I was scared of going on it.

      Anyways, these are the products that I currently use: I rotate between using Adapalene gel and Epiduo. There is a new product that combines Epiduo with another one (I forget the name, but I saw a commercial for it), but I haven’t tried it yet. There was another one that I tried that made my skin itch. I was on Differin back in the day… I also use a prescription face wash with sulfur (Sulfacetamide) that I use as a mask or as a face wash.

      I hope you find a treatment that works for you! I have a huge honker on my chin right now, so you have my sympathies. This is a real pain!

    13. Incantanto*

      Have you had a hormone levels check? Mine found too high levels of testosterone and I went on an anti androgen for a year and it was amazing. Skin so so much better.

      Unfortunately I can see it slowly coming back now I’ve had to stop it so I’m now on accutane. Yay. Monthly blood tests to check for absence of babies is less than ideal. Neither was starting it in a heat wave during the world cup (you can’t drink and sunburn easily). My friend had it before me and the results are stunning.

    14. Observer*

      If you don’t think it’s helping, then stop. Your dermatologist SHOULD know what she’s doing, but you are the expert on how you’re doing. So trust your judgement. Retin-A is not purely topical, even though that’s why you apply it, so it could theoretically help.

      Having said that, you don’t really risk anything by stopping treatment. At the very worst, if it’s really helpful, stopping will make the problem worse, and you can re-start applying it.

    15. Observer*

      By the way, if you have PCOS, getting changing your diet can often make a real difference. It’s also worth having your doctor check for Insulin Resistance (IR), as it’s very common in women with PCOS.

      While women who are overweight tend to see the most change from diet, even lean PCOSers tend to benefit.

    16. Mimosa Jones*

      My experience is 25 years old, but while the treatments have changed bodies haven’t. I had pretty clear skin until college when I developed cyctic acne. My primary doctor kept trying antibiotics, which didn’t work, and acutane, which did but the results only lasted a year. Then I saw a dermatologist who put me on a low androgen birth control and retin a. And that worked. Mostly the birth control. I didn’t like the retin a and discontinued it pretty quickly.

    17. Traffic_Spiral*

      There’s a reddit community called SkincareAddiction that talks about this stuff all day long.

    18. ShortT*

      Mine began to clear when I began a K-beauty regimen. I saw more improvement when I added tretinoin cream and clindamycin pledgets. Getting a three-month dose of Lupron and my stubborn fibroid surgically removed finished the clearing.

    19. Doreen Green*

      I know this isn’t helpful if you want to stick with topicals, but Accutane is the only thing that has worked for me. I had terrible cystic acne that appeared in my teens, calmed down, and came again when I hit thirty. Topical treatments mostly just made my skin feel irritated and bleached my clothes. Minocycline made me feel really spacy out and distracted, and Spiro left me perpetually thirsty and exhausted. Doxycycline would work for a month or two, but as soon as I stopped taking it the acne would come back. You can’t take the antibiotics long-term, and for many people a couple of months on the antibiotics helps improve things so you can tackle the acne with topicals–not for me. Eventually my dermatologist asked me to consider giving Accutane a try. I was hesitant, but since you’re required to have monthly blood tests and doctor’s appointments, my dermatologist and I agreed to discontinue immediately if anything made me uneasy. I was on a low dose for about a year with no side effects except for dry skin. No breakouts since!

    20. SS Express*

      Honestly if what your dermatologist suggested isn’t helping, stop using it and stop seeing her! She doesn’t sound great. Dermatologists aren’t always the best skincare experts either, because although they obviously understand the medical aspects better than the average person on the street, they aren’t necessarily keeping up with all the latest research into general skincare products. As you noted it’s pretty hard to cure hormonal acne with topical treatments so you might find the new birth control is more helpful (or if not, try another until you get one that is).

      What topicals can do is calm the inflammation and clear up said acne faster. I don’t know all the best products for this because my acne is mostly not hormonal, but I’d recommend doing a bit of research and really understanding what’s happening with your skin and how different ingredients can help to treat it. Check out SkincareAddiction on Reddit, Skincare Jesus on Tumblr and Caroline Hirons blog. The Paula’s Choice Beautypedia is useful too although some aspects of their approach are questionable so don’t treat it like a bible.

  3. Weekend anon*

    Does anyone know how to tell the difference between a life that’s content and one that’s stale? I’m lonely, but not lonely enough to actively look for a partner. I have a small, but close group of friends. I have a (redacted) I like and a budget that works, but I find myself looking just to mix things up. I eat the same food for lunch every day. I spend most of my nights and weekends relaxing at home washing tv. I honestly can’t tell if I want more than this.

    1. WellRed*

      I think if you are asking, you might need something more, even if its something small. I am in a similar situation, without the workable budget.

    2. hermit crab*

      A few questions for you:

      Do you actually want things to be different, or do just you feel like you *should* want that? Personally, I’m a homebody and a creature of habit, and I’ve struggled a lot with the latter – but I recognize that for what it is, and I try not to confuse it with actually wanting more excitement (or whatever) in my life.

      Also, how do you feel when you *do* do something different, even in a small way? Do you feel energized, or does it stress you out? Are you relieved to get back to your routine?

      1. Weekend anon*

        It depends on what I do. If I’m with friends I’m fine, but things I’ve done with strangers—taking an art class by myself,going to a party where I only know the host and they’re busy etc—never seem worth the effort. I am a homebody but I love to travel—with someone. So I guess there’s also the case of wanting to do things but not wanting to do them alone

        1. hermit crab*

          Ah, that makes sense. Are your close friends also homebody types or do they like to go out and do new things? (Somehow, I ended up with a bunch of “want to be doing things all the time” friends who do more things on a single Saturday than I would do in a month of weekends. They get me out of my comfort zone, when I let them.) Even if you’re friends with mostly homebody types, I wonder if any of them might feel similarly to you in terms of wanting to do more stuff.

          1. Weekend anon*

            A little bit of both, but most of them are partnered up and have larger friend circles so often they have other plans haha. So there’s some of that when the others are free

        2. Uyulala*

          What about like an acting class? Or joining a sport team? It would start with being with people you didn’t know, but since you all would be working together regularly then you can become friends.

    3. Artemesia*

      The question I think answers itself; you are feeling restless or you wouldn’t be asking. But for those of us for whom there cannot be too much nothing to do, tweaking one’s life makes sense rather than massive changes. Why not experiment e.g. get involved in a local photo group, join a new meetup around some interest you have, take a class on a topic you always found interesting (Russian Icons, African history, modern money theory — etc). Maybe there is a local group that does neighborhood walks in your city every week or month. Start planning an outing with friends once a week for a film or dinner out or whatever i.e. start with your basic placid life that seems to be working pretty well for you and then just tweak it a bit and see if you are happier.

      1. Weekend anon*

        I’m not sure if restless is the right word–more just tired of answering “what did you do this weekend?” with “nothing,” even though I had a great time lazing around my apartment. It just feels like I should be doing more, especially as an abled bodied 20 something

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Where do you want to be in 5 years, 10 years, etc. You have at least 40 years until retirement, what would you like to do in those years? What would you like to do in retirement?

          1. Weekend anon*

            Ha, those are the kind of questions that make me completely freeze up. I have no clue whatsoever. I’d like to get a dog at some point, but after that everything is up in the air. How do I figure that out?

            1. Not So NewReader*

              Dog parent here. My bias will show.
              So start by figuring out what it will take to set yourself up to get a dog. What are the steps to make this addition to your life?
              My wise friend use to say, do what is right in front of you. Once you do your next steps will become apparent. On your way to figuring out what to do to get a dog and getting that dog, it will become apparent to you what you would like to do next. Tricky part, until we do what is right in front of us, the future stuff remains hidden. This was what my wise friend believed. It seems to work in my life.

              1. Thursday Next*

                I’m going to take your wise friend’s advice myself. It sounds like a logical companion to mindfulness meditation practices.

            2. Rookie Biz Chick*

              Maybe it’s a great time to budget a few weekend hours getting to know a local rescue org or shelter. Join volunteer events, go walk a dog or two, get to know dog parents! Admittedly this could be a lot of expended energy, but may be a huge dose of reality of how a new pet might fit into your life – while doing soooo much good!

              All the best.

        2. The Person from the Resume*

          Maybe you should not say nothing, but say
          “I binged watched X.”
          “Took care of my house”
          “Shopped and cooked a great x”
          “My normal routine”

          I could be the framing. You did something even if it’s not unique to that weekend. It could be you think you should feel negative about doing “nothing” but in reality you have quiet, refreshing weekends.

    4. A bit of a saga*

      I recently read ‘The Happiness Project’ which is basically about increasing your happiness across a number of metricss and situations. What I liked about it, though, is that it also talks a lot about finding out what actually makes YOU happy rather than what you think should make you happy. It inspired me to sit down and think thoroughly about what truly gives me pleasure – and also what ideas I should simply discard because they may be great for others, but not for me. As an example, I may well think I should do something more productive with my time than hang out on Ask A Manager – learn a language, go to the gym – but I enjoy reading the weekend open chat so I should actually prioritise doing it rather than feel guilty about the time ‘wasted’. It doesn’t fully answer your Q but I recommend the book for inspiration.

      2. Parenthetically*

        YES. I always think of Runaway Bride in situations like this. It’s the proverbial “but how do you like YOUR eggs?” situation.

        I actually love doing not much on the weekends. Grab a coffee every other weekend with a friend? Maybe eat lunch at a favorite place with my husband? Yep, I like those things. But I try to limit the “stuff” so I can potter around the house and tidy up and fold laundry in front of an episode of Queer Eye too, which I really enjoy.

        1. Jaydee*

          I think of that particular Runaway bride recerence all the time! Even in high school, I could identify so much with the feeling of always taking on things that others like/want and not really being able to pinpoint what I like/want.

    5. LilySparrow*

      What do you feel is your long-term purpose or contribution to the world? When we’ve reached a level of meeting our baseline physical and emotional needs, we feel the need for purpose. This is a fundamental part of being human.

      What’s your “why?”

        1. Artemesia*

          You find out what works by doing stuff. Sitting there waiting for inspiration is not going to work.

        2. Lissa*

          It can be really hard to separate “what I want” from “do I just want this because of societal expectation”, in both directions. I mean, the obvious “I think I want this, but I actually just keep hearing about how I should” and the other way “this societal thing is expected…but I realize I do actually want it.” I think trying things is the best way to do it for sure, even if sometimes you think “well, I’d rather have sat at home with Netflix than gone to that art class” there isn’t much opportunity cost lost there because you can Netflix next weekend, you know? Just make sure you’re still doing enough homebody stuff you do like.

          My example – I like staying home but realized that I wanted to be more physically fit and try more exercises. I questioned “am I just doing this because of expectations to look a certain way” but after getting in a habit of doing some exercises, starting with just long walks, I realized that I do really really enjoy it and get a lot out of it. I’m never going to be winning competitions or races but my quality of life has gone up and I enjoy sitting at home for a day (like today!) more, too, when it is a more occasional thing. Your thing might not be exercise but it could be you’ll find something you like as much as being at home and then be able to do that sometimes, and also stay home sometimes.

        3. LilySparrow*

          Well, I’m religious, so there’s a lot of material in that context like “A Purpose-Driven Life” that’s helpful.

          If faith-based is a big turnoff for you, there’s a lot of resources on finding purpose in your career, but less for a holistic view of life in general. Psychologically, it’s a process of seeking meaning with community through service and intentional exploration of where your gifts meet the world’s needs.

          So maybe finding people you can talk with about purpose, what it means to them and to you, would be a first step.

    6. epi*

      Some people are just homebodies. I do find it’s easier if you stop imagining everyone else is doing something cooler and better, and answer honestly rather than with “nothing”. “I started a new book and ended up reading it all weekend” or “I finally caught up on Stranger Things” or “I cooked my favorite recipe” are actually quite fun, relatable things to many people and there is definitely nothing embarrassing about spending your free time that way.

      Short term therapy, or finding a book on this topic, might be a good choice. There could be a lot of different things underneath getting sort of restless! Anything from needing to sell all your possessions and sail around the world, to just needing a minor change, to fixing some avoidant behavior, to realizing your life works for you and you just need to own it.

    7. Nacho*

      I often wonder the same thing, and it can sometimes be hard to tell if I’m really feeling unfulfilled, if if I’m being made to feel unfulfilled by a society that’s spent the past 30 years of my life telling me that the life I have now isn’t one worth living.

      It helps to remember that I chose this life; I could do pretty much anything I want right now, including take a vacation, go back to school, put more effort making friends, or put any effort at all into getting a girl or boyfriend. But I’ve tried all of that before, and never really liked it, which is why I stopped. Society pushes a certain lifestyle of going drinking every Friday with friends and vacationing in some tropic area whenever possible and all sorts of other stuff that just isn’t for everybody. If you’re content now, than that’s more than most people can say. And if you’re not, maybe try a few small changes like spending some extra time to make a really good lunch every once in a while.

  4. Annie Moose*

    I have an etiquette hypothetical I’ve been contemplating and I’m curious what other people think. This isn’t an actual situation I’m in, but something I read inspired me to think about it.

    Suppose you have a friend who is getting married/graduating/having a birthday/having some other life event that necessitates buying a gift. The friend asks that in lieu of gifts, people donate to a particular charity instead. The only problem is that you deeply disagree with this charity’s mission or how they carry out their mission.

    Should you donate to the charity anyway, even though you don’t support them or their work? Should you have a conversation with your friend about why you don’t support the charity? Should you donate to a similar charity you agree with more? (e.g. your friend asks for donations to Autism Speaks and you donate to ASAN instead) Should you give them a different present and pretend you didn’t know/forgot about the charity thing? Should you not donate at all and just never bring up the topic???

    I’m very curious what you would do!

    (and let’s ascribe good motives to the friend and assume the organization in question isn’t a literal hate group or something like that)

    1. heckofabecca*

      I would probably donate to a similar charity (great example with ASAN!). I believe some charities will alert people if you make a donation in their name, so if there was a way to add a comment there I’d say something like, “In honor of X & Y and in support of their cause, with an eye to [whatever it is you prefer about org2].”

    2. all aboard the anon train*

      If it’s a friend who I know is rational, I’ve told them, “hey, I really like you idea of donating to charity. I’d rather donate to Dogs Are The Best charity rather than Dogs Are Only Okay charity for some personal reasons. Is that okay?” And if they ask or are a bit taken aback, I explain why I prefer one charity over the other. Most people don’t really investigate charities and their inner workings, and just think of it as donating to charity and doing a good thing. I’ve found a lot of people who are surprised when they learn about some issues with charities (Salvation Army’s homophobia comes to mind and how people are still shocked when I explain why I won’t support them).

      1. Daring Greatly*

        I thought the same thing about Salvation Army for the longest time…I heard that they don’t donate to LGBTQ+ families in need. However, I think that was a rumor that was started that isn’t actually true (https://www.salvationarmyusa.org/usn/nodiscrimination/ and https://salvationarmynorth.org/about-us/what-we-believe/lgbt-statement/). I still don’t drop my change in the red kettle because there are other charities I’d rather give my money to, but it’s nice to not be disgruntled every time I pass a jolly bell ringer.

      1. LilySparrow*

        I think this, or a gift certificate as mentioned below, would be my route.

        I don’t think the conversation would be a good route unless you are super, super close. Like, “invited into the labor & delivery room” close. Or “my one phone call from jail” close.

    4. Shay the Fae*

      Defiantly do not donate to the bad charity. I might or might not talk to the friend, depends on how close we are and other factors. Like how much energy I have.

    5. chickaletta*

      I wouldn’t talk to the friend to explain why. Life has taught me that those types of conversations don’t go over well. (Look at it from your friend’s point of view: she’s already chosen the charity, announced to everyone that’s the one she wants them to support, and now she’s hearing that someone doesn’t like it. Even if she changes her mind and agrees with you, she can’t tell everyone to donate to something else instead so she’ll probably just end up feeling bad about the whole thing.)

      I would either donate to a similar charity or buy her a gift. You won’t the only one, I guarantee someone else will show up with a present in hand too.

      Finally, this is why you don’t tell people what to get you for a gift. I understand the good intentions behind it, but geez people, it’s 2018. Dear Abby has been around for decades and we’re still doing this?

      1. GiftsSuck*

        absolute nonsense

        the dramas and woes of gift giving are multiplied at least tenfold if the receiver won’t declare what they want

    6. Artemesia*

      I am never contributing to a charity whose mission I disagree with. It is one thing if I am just not that interested in it e.g. the local Macrame Museum or a fund to create dog parks or something. But if they actually advance a cause I oppose, no way I am donating. If I wanted to donate I’d pick a neutral cause similar to or at least not in conflict with the suggested one. i.e. don’t make a point of opposing their group — just do good in a different direction.

    7. Temperance*

      I might forego the donation and get her a gift certificate for something tangible, like a restaurant or a massage. I wouldn’t donate to a similar org, and I wouldn’t tell her why.

      1. Anonymosity*

        This is probably what I’d do. If it’s a wedding, I would give a gift cert for something she could share with her spouse. If it’s a baby, I’d give one for things she might need, or for a night out and offer to babysit or give funds to pay for a babysitter. I’d make sure it was something that either didn’t expire or had an expiry date well into the future.

        And I’d say something like, “I know you didn’t want gifts; however, I wanted you to have this [thing, experience] to help you celebrate [life event].” If she said anything about the charity, I’d just say with a smile, “My donations for the year have already been allocated for tax purposes —” and shift the focus back to her “— this is about you and your day/kid/husband, etc.”

    8. Lcsa99*

      I would just give them a check. They can then either use the cash of donate it as they see fit. Since it’s their special event I wouldn’t want to sully it by discussing the problems with their choice of charity.

    9. Cheshire Cat*

      For me, it would depend on what my objections to their preferred charity are. If their charity is less efficient with donations than another one with a similar mission, I would donate to their preferred one but tell them about the other one. If financial mismanagement is an issue, I’d donate to the other one and explain why.

      And if there is an ethical/religious/political reason that I object to their charity, I would find something in an adjacent area that my friend and I can agree on, and donate to that. To use All aboard’s example, I might say that because I’m a cat person, I’d rather donate to Cats Are the Best than to Dogs Are Okay.

    10. KayEss*

      Personally, I think having a “your charity is bad” conversation in this circumstance is probably at least 75% likely to permanently damage or completely destroy your relationship with that couple, so I would absolutely not go that route unless my objections were so significant as to put the relationship at risk either way.

      Also, as someone who went the “please donate in lieu of gifts” route with my wedding, it was literally 95% because we didn’t want to receive ANY gifts at all–I did not notice or care if people just didn’t donate. Donating to an alternate charity and making sure I knew would have made me straight-up angry, however, not because I had any particularly deep loyalty to the charity we chose, but because it would be a deliberate thumbing your nose at my wishes and acting like you know better than me about what I should want. Several people also did wind up giving us tangible gifts despite direct instruction otherwise, and it was pretty annoying! Don’t do that unless you’re close enough with the couple to be absolutely sure you’re giving them something they will love–also maybe give it to them some time before or after the wedding itself, as they may very well not have a system to deal with physical gifts at the planned ceremony/reception.

      If you’re dead-set against donating to the selected charity but also unable to go without giving a gift of some kind, a gift of cash or a check enclosed with a nice card as mentioned above is probably the most diplomatic option.

    11. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Gift requests, including requests for charitable donations, are suggestions; they’re not orders. You’re definitely under no obligation to treat them as an order. It’s perfectly fine to choose another gift, whether it’s a donation to another organization or something else entirely! (In fact, etiquette says that it’s a bit rude for a gift-receiver to assume they’ll be receiving gifts, and thus they shouldn’t be directing people on what to give them at all.)

      1. all aboard the anon train*

        I honestly never understand this rule because people still have registries and if there’s not a registry, there are guests who are bound to get annoyed. Tbh I think this etiquette rule is a bit outdated since most people are giving gifts for major life events regardless.

        1. JamieS*

          Agreed. I think that rule is only really applicable in how someone should react if they don’t get a gift or the gift isn’t something they like. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with essentially saying “if you decide to give me a gift here’s what I’d like” which is basically what registeries/gift requests are so long as the requestor isn’t being demanding.

        2. Ask a Manager* Post author

          The etiquette rule on registries was traditionally that your friends/family members would let people know where you were registered if asked, but that you wouldn’t promote the registry with your invitation (because that would convey that you were expecting gifts). Obviously that norm has very much changed, though.

          Still, though, the core concept here is that people cannot treat their hopes for gifts as orders to their guests.

        4. AcademiaNut*

          When you’re doing registries following etiquette, it’s pull vs push . People can pull the information from you or your family (ie, they can ask if you’re registered, and you can tell them). But you can’t push the information on them (like listing the registry in your invitation, or announcing that you only want cash). And if people get a gift that’s not on the registry, you accept it graciously.

          In the OP’s situation, I’d probably just send a card a card and good wishes. I mean, they’ve indicated that they don’t want physical gifts, and I wouldn’t want to donate to a charity I had issues with, so why stress out figuring out how to sneak in a gift they’ve announced that they don’t want.

          Personally, I have no problem if someone says that they don’t want/need gifts, even though that’s also not strict etiquette (again, the assuming that guests will be buying gifts). But I resent it when someone outright tells me what I’m going to spend my money on.

        5. Gaia*

          I literally hate registries for this exact reason. You put one together because you are *expecting* gifts and etiquette says that is rude. During life events where most people have registries I’ve taken the stance that if someone wants to get me something, I would prefer they choose it for me rather than select from a prescribed list that I chose myself. And don’t even get me started on people who ask for cash (or to help pay for the wedding or honeymoon or house…..)

          1. PhyllisB*

            I get that; Gaia. I don’t really mind registries if it’s someone I don’t know really well but want to commemorate the occasion, but if it’s a couple who already have everything (married before or older and had an established household) I would be happy to contribute to a honeymoon fund. I would much rather do that than donate to a charity.

            1. Gaia*

              So here’s my thing with honeymoon (etc) funds. If you offer it that is fine. They shouldn’t be suggesting it though. I’m all riled up about this because my best friend’s brother is getting married and they “registered” except their registry is a honeymoon fund and a house fund. And they put both on their invitations. It just…..nope.

          2. all aboard the anon train*

            I guess I just don’t understand why it’s rude to ask for cash or donate to charity or say, “these are the things I’m interested in”. If it’s considered socially polite to give a gift for a wedding, it makes it easier to say what you’d like than making people guess. I’m probably going to return things I don’t like that someone chose for me.

            I’m more aggravated by the whole fake politeness that basically stems around not talking about money or gifts even when you know someone is going to buy one for you.

            1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

              Me too. Sometimes I want to get a gift, but I don’t know the person well enough to have any idea what their taste in housewares is or whether they could use new towels (my cousins, for instance) so a registry is great.

              For my own wedding we stressed that we didn’t expect a gift, but I know my family and they would have turned up with suitcases stuffed with things that we then would have had to lug across the country on the train, and which we had nowhere to store because we lived in a tiny, tiny student flat at the time. So we suggested gift cards to two particular stores so that we could buy appliances when we bought a house. I would have been perfectly happy with no presents but I knew that if I told them not to get us anything they would have got us things we really didn’t want instead, so this was a good way to direct that impulse. It’s not that I’m not grateful or just want their money, but there are only so many cute coffee mugs, handmade hot pads, or plastic novelty items that I can handle.

              1. all aboard the anon train*

                This. I find people who want to give their own gift tend to buy things they like, not things the recipient likes. I’ve seen one too many friends and family members get gifts from people that the giver loved but was not the recipient’s style or something they’d ever use.

                It just makes it easier to know if people want cash, gift cards, or specific items. Getting worked up about it is some archaic pearl clutching about social etiquette that doesn’t really make sense in today’s society anymore.

              2. Roja*

                I’m the same way. When I got married, we had a very small registry because we were already in our own houses and didn’t need much. Unfortunately, this meant that people who didn’t know us as well got us a lot of tchotchkes which neither of us needed or wanted or honestly liked even the tiniest amount. I so appreciated the thought and kindness, but I kept the things out of guilt for a few years and then quietly got rid of them. But the money gifts were appreciated beyond measure; we had very little income and were able to put them to all kinds of uses.

                It’s a shame because when I give gifts for weddings, I would be really sad to know my gift was so disliked/unuseful that it was quietly and quickly discarded–I gave it because I wanted it to be useful! Gifts are supposed to be desired by the receiver, not given just to make the giver feel good. So we always give money or get something off the registry. No off-registry gifts for us except in the case of *extremely* close friends who we know well enough to get them something very special. I much prefer to know what I can give that’s actually wanted, and if there’s no registry, it’s money. No question of money’s usefulness!

              3. Marion Ravenwood*

                Agreed. We had a small gift list but didn’t put details in the invites, though we did send them to people who asked. However, when people asked what we’d like we said ‘don’t feel you have to get us anything, but if you’d like to we’d really appreciate cash to furnish our new house or US dollars for our honeymoon’ (we’d already paid for our flights and hotel). In the end we got a mix of cash, US dollars, vouchers and about seven physical presents, only one of which wasn’t to our taste, so I think we were very lucky in that regard.

                For me it’s about giving the person what they’d like, especially if I don’t know them that well. So I’d much rather someone said, ‘actually, we’d like money/vouchers for this shop’ than not give me anything to go on. My fallback in that situation is vouchers as it feels a little less impersonal, but ultimately I want to give the person something they genuinely want and will use/love rather than something I think they’d like.

            2. Gaia*

              I find it rude because gift giving is supposed to be about taking the time to pick out something special for the individual. Asking for cash (or anything in particular) 1. assumes you are getting gifts which is rude and 2. is telling people what to give you and that you don’t want them to spend the effort to think of something nice, just cash.

              Now, if someone wants to give cash as a gift that is entirely different.

              1. all aboard the anon train*

                But it’s also “social etiquette” to give gifts for weddings or showers or holidays, so it just seems like such an over the top act of politeness to pretend that you won’t get a gift at one of those events, and that you shouldn’t dare suggest something you may want. This is why people end up with gifts they end up regifting or throwing out.

                Maybe it’s a regional or cultural thing because everyone I know sends out holiday gift lists or registries and it’s not seen as a faux pas. So, you know, it’s not rude in all situations. I’d find it rude if it’s considered polite to send a registry and you showed up with a gift off the registry. That’s breaking social etiquette in my area.

              2. GiftsSuck*

                No no no no no no

                By specifying what you’d like you are sparing your friends the burden of choosing a gift and yourself the burden of pretending to like it

                1. Annie Moose*

                  As someone who is extremely bad at picking out gifts for people, precisely this. I love you, hypothetical friend/relative, but I am very bad at picking out things people will like. Please give me a list of things you would like so I can be sure that you will actually like and use your gift! I would feel terrible getting you something you don’t want or can’t use.

            1. Thlayli*

              Which is to say… etiquette changes over time. This rule of etiquette came from a time when most people didn’t move in together till after they got married, so they needed loads of household things. That’s no longer the case. I personally am not a fan of registries and didn’t use one when I got married. Now I have a wardrobe full of vases, candlesticks and wine glasses, most of which were obvious regifts – which I am slowly regifting on again.

              I’m lucky in that I could afford to buy my own house and pay for my own honeymoon, so I’m not bothered. However it really did bring home to me why people use registries. In this day and age, The curcumstances have changed. The etiquette has changed. it’s perfectly fine and acceptable for someone to include a registry with an invitation.

            2. Gaia*

              I do know that. And that doesn’t change anything in my opinion. This is the etiquette I was raised with and is the etiquette nearly everyone in this area follows.

              Also, the most recent guidelines I read (as recent as last year) were that registries should not be on invitations as it is seen as a “gift grab.”

              1. Thlayli*

                “The most recent guidelines” – from whom? There’s no official committee of etiquette! I certainly wasn’t asked to vote for one.

                “What I was raised with” times change

                “what most people in my area follow”. Seems like your area is a little unusual in this respect.

                If you choose to follow specific rules from specific people then that’s totally your choice. But from what I’ve seen the majority of people these days don’t agree with your opinion on this topic. You are of course entitled to your opinion and can follow it for your own wedding. But most people are going to follow the rules they agree with for their own wedding.

    12. Aphrodite*

      I wouldn’t do it. Her asking me to support something that goes against my own ethics and values is unacceptable. I wouldn’t go into a rant or even a long explanation (unless asked) but I would not donate to that charity or even that cause through another charity if it was important to me. What else I might do is to give a substitute gift. Perhaps even a gift card to a local or online store that is a favorite. The purpose of the gift/donation after all is to celebrate the life event with that person. If I felt the person would be insulted or drag up drama if she didn’t get the donations she wanted I would probably just go with a beautiful card and heartfelt wishes and no gift. No one should ever be asked to ignore their own values.

    13. epi*

      My husband and I had suggested charities in lieu of gifts for our wedding. The answer is no, do not give to a charity you don’t support.

      If your friends are doing this, they don’t want gifts and unless they are really weird, they are not keeping track of who gave. Some people gave us a gift or did nothing and that was all lovely, no hard feelings about any of those choices because we are not monsters.

      Also IMO if people want to do this, it is thoughtful to suggest more than one charity for exactly this reason. We suggested three: a civil rights organization (mine), a literacy charity (his), and a food bank that served our neighborhood (ours).

    14. Glomarization, Esq.*

      I would not donate to the charity, and also I would not substitute by giving some other gift.

      If they ask for donations to charity in lieu of gifts, then I take them at their word that they don’t want gifts. Any gifts.

      If I am not a fan of the charity they suggest, then I don’t give to that charity. Unless the friend has access to the charity’s donor records, they will never know whether I gave or not. Maybe after the end of the fiscal year the friend will get some publication from the charity that lists recent donors’ names — but even if so, there’s no way for friend to know that I didn’t ask them to list me as “Anonymous” or to leave my name off the list completely.

      Finally, everybody should keep this on a “don’t ask, don’t tell” level. Friend shouldn’t ask, and maybe-donor shouldn’t volunteer that they didn’t give. There is no way to have a pleasant conversation about this.

    15. Former Employee*

      “Should you donate to the charity anyway, even though you don’t support them or their work?”

      My problem with this is that you are saying that you don’t support them or their work, but then you would choose a similar charity. I don’t get it.

      When I’ve seen this question posed in connection with what I assume are real situations (presented to an advice columnist as being a genuine dilemma), as far as I can recall, it has always been a question of the writer not supporting the group or their work as in the mission of the organization is to convert gay people to being heterosexual.

      If I thought the cause was worthy, I would contribute, even if the specific organization is not the one I would normally have on my list.

      If I thought the cause was awful, then I would question my friendship.

      1. Lasslisa*

        Sometimes people have incomplete information, or charities may misrepresent or partially conceal their actual practices. So say someone really wants to help the poor, and so they give to a charity that claims to help the poor, but actually the charity has a history of embezzling or poor financial management such that most of the money goes to the people running it. Or the charity says they’re helping the poor, but also discriminates against minorities or against gay people (the case of the Salvation Army which one poster mentioned above they won’t support).

        The issue isn’t disagreement with the stated mission of the charity, it’s disagreement with the actual practices and implementation. but there are lots of other charities out there with the same stated mission.

      2. SS Express*

        Did you see the original example of Autism Speaks vs ASAN? Both are related to the same cause, but Autism Speaks has attracted criticism from people who believe that it doesn’t really serve the interests of people with autism. So if you agree with your friend that helping people with autism is good, but don’t agree that donating to Autism Speaks is going to achieve that, you might make a donation to ASAN instead. Obviously if you objected to the very notion of supporting anyone affected by autism then you wouldn’t donate to a similar charity…but hopefully not many people feel that way, most would be objecting to specific organisations rather than charitable causes generally.

    16. mreasy*

      I suggested charity donations if people insisted on wedding gifts. We had 3 nonprofits listed, but some folks donated to different orgs in our name. It was totally fine with us!

    17. Thlayli*

      Hmmm. I think it would depend on the type of charity and how much you disagree. For example if you think they do good work but you just don’t think they are the most efficient in their sector, I would donate. If you think they do good work but you really disagree with some aspect of how they do it (eg they help homeless people but have a bad track record of helping gay homeless people) then I would donate to a charity that does similar work but in a way you agree with (eg donate to a homeless charity that doesn’t discriminate). If you strongly disagree with the entire goal of the charity (eg it’s a prochoice charity and youre pro life or vice versa), I would just give a different gift and say nothing.

    18. CheapskateAnon*

      I’d take the opportunity to spend zero dollars on the event (wedding, shower, graduation, whateveritwas) and not get hassled about it. I wouldn’t donate to the objectionable charity, and I wouldn’t buy a gift. If asked, I’d lie and say I donated. I’m not at all interested in giving or receiving material gifts. I realize this is not a popular approach to this topic. But it is mine. If you’re sick, I’ll gladly weed your garden, wash your clothes, drive you to the doctor, clean your house or make you a meal. If you’re on vacation, I’ll babysit your cat/dog lovingly and attentively. If you need a lift to the airport, I’ll probably volunteer. But I’m tired of our materialistic culture, and I’ve dropped out of it. And, no, I don’t want to argue about it.

      1. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

        Gently, I would just do the card and not lie. Be true to yourself; you share some values here (not a material gift being your common goal.). It would be valuable to put into the card – and on your calendar – a commitment to make them a meal (or loaf of homemade banana bread or something along the lines of your list) and deliver it “after you’ve settled in….” and follow up with it. If they are close enough that you feel that way about them – that you would babysit the cat – then you wouldn’t want to sully the relationship with the lie. Or go silent, give the card with your glowing wishes, and let it go. I’ve done that,too. (when I didn’t know them and figured I was on the guest list in a daisy chain reason – ie, knew their mom and was such a distant relative that I couldn’t pick them out of a crowd). Or had my own reasons for not wanting to give them a gift, and didn’t care what they thought. Just be true to yourself.

        1. CheapskateAnon*

          I am true to myself. I lie because it’s the easy way out, which is very much my when it comes to dealing with b.s. The lie hurts no one and saves me time. No hassles, no arguments, no hurt feelings, no need to explain. I’m a big fan of the social lie. I’m not looking for teachable moments. I’m looking for the easiest way to not take part in the gift-giving ritual. Lying works for me. I understand others have scruples about social lies. I don’t. It is very much an expression of who I am: someone who doesn’t want to waste time on nonsense.

    19. Jenny F. Scientist*

      In similar situations I have even contributed to a completely different but (to me) unobjectionable charity, like the local food bank, or UNICEF children’s fund, or a local public school. I think it’s fine to donate to a slightly different, more effective/less objectionable charity as well!

    20. LGC*

      Well, like, how good is the friend?

      It’s actually great that you brought up Autism Speaks vs. ASAN because that brings up a really good side issue – there might be information your friend is missing which causes her to support an organization like Autism Speaks (which is more well-known than ASAN right now). If they’re a good friend, I’d probably explain my concerns about how the charity carries out their mission – for example, that I think Autism Speaks privileges NT voices over those of people on the spectrum, and their depiction of people with autistic spectrum disorders is kind of ableist. (Or…in less activist-y terms, I don’t like that Autism Speaks is dominated by people without autism, and the baggage that comes with it – for example, their depiction of autism as this terrible disease that you should feel sorry for people for having.)

      Otherwise, if they’re more acquaintance-level, I’d honestly just write them a check and let them do what they want with it. Money is money. If they want to donate it, they can donate it. I’d feel off about donating to a similar organization that I personally agreed with more – in the case from above, even though I think ASAN is better, the gift isn’t really about what I feel like, and I’d find that rather patronizing. (And as much as I hate to admit it, I think Autism Speaks has good intentions – they’re just rather misguided.) Even if they’re a close friend, I’d still try to hew as close to the gift as possible without actually doing it – in this case, I’d still give them cash even if they insisted that I donate to Autism Speaks in their name, although I’d bring up the idea of donating to ASAN instead.

    21. Safetykats*

      Yeah, about a quarter of the people we invited to our wedding totally ignored what we suggested. The most successful off-list gifts were gift cards, some for nice restaurants, some for home improvement and garden stores. The least successful were small appliances in colors that totally didn’t go with our kitchen. In short, if you ignore their request you will be in good company, and no explanation is necessary.

  5. Detective Amy Santiago*

    Anyone else following the Thai Cave Rescue story? I spent an inordinate amount of time reading articles last night and I checked for updates first thing this morning.

    1. Mimmy*

      I’ve been following it a little. I was thrilled when the boys were found alive and I’m staying hopeful that they’ll be able to get out safely.

      1. dorothy zbornak*

        I’ve been following and that is also basically my worst nightmare so I hope everyone gets out safely (and soon)

        1. Detective Amy Santiago*

          I was just saying last night that I seriously don’t understand how people find enjoyment in diving underwater in dark, narrow caves. Or climbing a mountain that is littered with bodies. I am just not a thrill seeker.

          1. Anonymosity*

            I’d climb Everest in a heartbeat if I could afford it and were experienced enough to tackle it (and I weren’t afraid of heights, haha). If I were to ever do that, I’d leave instructions with my family to just leave me . Use me for a climbing landmark–I’m cool with that. Maybe say hi on your way past. :) I don’t really care what happens to my body (it’s just a vehicle for my consciousness) and it would be nice to be in such a beautiful and amazing place for eternity.

            Because look at this 360-degree view from the summit. Just look at it. http://www.panoramas.dk/fullscreen2/full22.html

            Since I probably never will, I’ll settle for a trip to the Himalayas and maybe to Base Camp.

        2. AvonLady Barksdale*

          I am terribly claustrophobic yet fascinated by this story. So every time I read an article or watch something on the news or listen to a story on the radio, I have about five minutes before I have to stop. I found the Chilean miners’ rescue much easier to manage. Also hoping the boys come out safely and soon.

    2. annakarina1*

      I haven’t followed it much, but I was sad to read that a diver died in the rescue efforts. That makes it much more sadder and more difficult, but I do hope they are successfully rescued.

    3. nep*

      It’s just stunning and nerve-wracking. So sad about the diver who died recently. Can’t imagine what the families are going through. May they all make it out safely and bravo to the team working on this rescue effort.

    4. Artemesia*

      It seems very unlikely they will be able to extract these kids alive; imagine taking a weakened kid who doesn’t swim through km of flooded narrow passages with a diving mask where you can’t wear scuba because the passages are so narrow. No way they are getting a dozen kids out alive that way; it would be lucky to get half of them out. The man who died was placing oxygen tanks and was a seal and he still got caught and drowned. Imagine now weakened young kids with no diving experience. And it is dark.

      I hope they can come up with a way to get to them another way but that is apparently also not likely. Last reports the oxygen in the cave is low and hard to replenish — again by bringing tanks miles through flooded passages. And of course when the monsoons start the cave may entirely flood. This is not likely to end well. Sure hope it does.

      1. Detective Amy Santiago*

        That’s what I’m afraid of. But if they do manage it, it will be exactly the sort of uplifting and inspiring thing that the world can sorely use.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            Yep, like the landing on the Hudson. Am still in awe. And the woman pilot later on, awesome stuff.

    5. Cheshire Cat*

      Yes, I’ve been following the story, too. I was so glad that the boys and their coach were found alive, and then so disheartened when the rescue diver died. Those kids are untrained, so if a trained diver died, it’s unlikely that the kids will be able to get out. Still hoping for a miracle, though!

      1. Fiennes*

        I can’t for the life of me understand why the kids were taken there to start with. If you could not easily leave a place under virtually any weather conditions, why would a bunch of children be brought there? I’m not trying to cast blame—maybe it’s common enough that the risks were effectively erased. But part of the tragedy is how unnecessary this all is.

        1. LCL*

          They weren’t taken there. They rode their bikes there after soccer practice. That’s the sort of thing kids that age do.

          1. Anon today*

            Their coach is there with them, the plan was that the kids–who had gone into the cave before–were going in deeper than they had before. The parents may not have known, however.

          2. En vivo*

            They were taken/guided there by the adult coach. He had done it before, but this time they ran into trouble.

        2. Courageous cat*

          It was open till July, it closes in July due to monsoon season. So as far as they knew it was safe to enter, but the rains started early.

          Obviously it would be wise just to avoid the whole thing altogether for the rest of all time, but they weren’t entirely out of their minds for going, as some people (not you) have suggested.

        3. Gaia*

          They had no reason to think it wouldn’t be safe. It is actually a really popular cave for people to go into. They went into it June, and monsoon season isn’t supposed to begin until July. The rains came early and they got trapped. There is no blame here, just sadness.

    6. LCL*

      I was obsessively, but I cut way back as the news is getting dark. My emotions can’t handle stories of kids in peril, unless I know the story ends well.

    7. Falling Diphthong*

      I first ran across it when they were found alive, and was astonished–both at “are alive” and “divers kept looking and found them way off where they thought they might be.” But I don’t think a movie of the week outcome is in the cards, and in some ways it makes me shiver at the feel-good stories we’re drawn to and what they’ve programmed us to expect–it’s like the flip of “Why doesn’t law enforcement just shoot everyone in the leg, like on TV?”

    9. Courageous cat*

      Yeah, I spent like 3 hours on it yesterday. I can’t stop obsessively refreshing the news for it. I hope there’s a new development because I still don’t like the diving idea, unless they find a way to sedate them (I think Xanax for all would be quite helpful, honestly).

      Fingers crossed maybe Elon Musk’s teams can do something too.

      1. AnonAtAllTimes*

        Now it’s four out as of 6:25 A.M. Pacific Standard Time per the New York Times. I don’t believe in God, but I’m certainly hoping they all make it.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          WaPo still has it at four. Hallelujah. So glad they decided it was better to try while they had whatever limited air and physical reserves they still do.

          WaPo had a good story about the assistant coach yesterday–young guy, was a monk but left the monastery to look after his ailing grandmother at the end of her life, he and the head coach use the team to encourage kids to apply themselves in school with soccer gear for good grades. And that the local feeling veered more toward “thank heaven he was there to look after them” than “obviously the caves were too dangerous to enter.”

          1. Detective Amy Santiago*

            BBC was reporting four and they are taking a break now to rest and replenish supplies before bringing out the rest!

            Cautiously optimistic!

          2. Not So NewReader*

            I read that he taught the boys to meditate, that helped to keep them calmer.
            Apparently he went in looking for them as they had gone on their own into the cave?

            This guy is going to get employment offers from all over the world. (Yeah, I am kind of thinking that this rescue will be successful. Please let it be so.)

    12. SciDiver*

      I’ve been following all the updates I can, I’m surprised more people I know aren’t talking about it! I’m a diver (as the name implies) but cavern diving is the limit for me, cave diving is extremely treacherous and people die doing it regularly. Reading about the conditions and the terrain, it seemed nearly impossible to even find them, but they’ve gotten 4 of the boys out alive! Some of the maps and illustrations of the passages has also be really illuminating, it’s one thing to picture a 2.5′ x 2′ opening, it’s another to have a picture showing the scale with a person there.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I am still at, “I can’t believe they even found them!” Am holding on to the idea that they were found alive so that means they will all get out.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Incredible. These folks are truly awesome. And I am so happy for the 13 that these people came forward to help.

  6. Intel Analyst Shell*

    I’m looking for pirate/mermaid/ocean themed song recommendations. Daughter’s 1st birthday and our 5th wedding anniversary is in a couple of months and we’re having a (obnoxiously large) mermaid & pirate themed party. Problem is when I search online the only songs I can find are from the Little Mermaid, and while I included a few, she’s my least favorite Disney Princess (fight me). I’m open to ALL genres of music, heavy metal mermaid song? Bring. It. On.
    I’ve got some Jimmy Buffet, Pirates of the Carribean, and a couple county songs (Kenny Chesney I think) already added.

    1. Annie Moose*

      Alestorm is a pirate-themed metal band! Unfortunately many of their songs are… not necessarily appropriate for small children. They do have my favorite cover of “Hangover” of all time, though–what better band to sing that song than a bunch of pirates?

      Nightwish also has a pretty song called “Turn Loose the Mermaids”, not at all sure it’s what you’re looking for, though! It’s not really about mermaids.

      1. Intel Analyst Shell*

        I just Youtubed Alestorm and they are perfect! (Not just for the party but to also add to my daily life.) Thank you!

        1. Intel Analyst Shell*

          Beach, ocean, nautical – all fine. I guess anything related to salty water? :)

    2. Mmmm S’mores*

      My toddlers are obsessed with “Baby Shark”. Its a silly little song my husband found on the internet, Amazons Alexa plays it alot for us now.

      1. Temperance*

        Do you know the dance?! I used to do it at cheerleading camp, lol. See if you can find it on YouTube.

    3. MamaCat*

      Try searching for sea chanties! (Also spelled chanty or chantey) Not as many mermaid songs, per se, but you might be able to find more songs you like.

      2. MamaCat*

        The Mermaid is a popular sea chantey, I tried to post a link but I’m guessing Alison needs to ok it before it’s posted, but a number or groups have done it.

    4. fposte*

      I have no idea what the availability of these is:
      The Decemberists’ “The Mariner’s Revenge Song” (not technically piratical, but nautical and near-enough)
      The Arrogant Worms’ “The Last Saskatchewan Pirate” because it’s funny
      Shaun Davey’s _Granuaile_, an album of songs about the legendary Irish pirate Grace O’Malley

      1. fposte*

        Oh, I missed that there was a small child involved. I don’t think there’s any swearing in these, but they’re not gentle–sorry!

        1. Intel Analyst Shell*

          Not gentle is fine! Her favorite song at the moment is Meat Loaf’s “Bat Out of Hell” so ya’know. I didn’t even think about the Decemberists’ song, I love them. I’ll listen to the other suggestions as well.

      2. kmb*

        YES to Last Saskatchewan Pirate!!!!

        I would also suggest looking at the Sea section of the songbook Rise Up Singing, except that I can’t find a songlist. (My parents are into folk music so a bunch of their recreational activity involves singing songs from Rise Up Singing with their friends, which shaped my childhood). However, Rise Again does have a songlist online, and if you scroll down to the Sea and Sailors section here, you can check it out: https://www.riseupandsing.org/songs/lists/chapters — and then you can find recordings as this does not sound like it’s intended to be a singalong party (though sea shanties are obviously intended to be sung communally so like, that would make it more realistic ;) ).

        I would also suggest Northwest Passage and Barrett’s Privateers (which got captured already). Also Come Take a Trip in my Airship.

        1. fposte*

          Ooh, if you like the Claudia Schmidt/Sally Rogers version of that on top of everything else we’ve established considerable sound library overlap.

    5. heckofabecca*

      Some of these are more sea-related than anything more specific, but I love watery music so hopefully there will be a few you like too!

      – Instrumentals! Other than PotC, you might like: Whale Rider OST (“Paikea’s Whale”), Atlantis: The Lost Empire OST (“The Secret Swim”), Ponyo OST (“Mother of the Sea”), “Aquarium” by Bruno Coulais, “Harp and Sea” and “Miniature of the Sea” by Feabrik, “The Seafarer” by Marc Jungermann, “Arctic” by Sleeping At Last

      – sea shanties/folk songs: “The Maiden and the Selkie” by Heather Dale, “Skye Boat Song,” “Sea Invocation” by Marianne Asjiki Lihannah and Catharina Rickett, “Wade in the Water,” “The Leaving of Liverpool”… Just google sea shanties and you’ll get a bunch of options!

      – more modern stuff (probably least topical…): “In The Sea” by Ingrid Michaelson, “The Sea” by Carbon Leaf, “The Fisherman’s Lament” and “Banks of Newfoundland” by Great Big Sea

      The link I added is to my 8tracks collection of folk/ocean/sea music playlists by various users there… You might find some more stuff there. Congrats to you and happy early birthday to your daughter :)

    6. NeverNicky*

      Barrett’s Privateers is a great pirate song but not very cheery for a party (Weddings Parties Anything or Swill Odgers).

      1. fposte*

        OMG, how could I forget Stan Rogers! In addition to Barrett’s Privateers, The Mary Ellen Carter has a chorus that will have you stamping on the picnic tables.

        2. Plant Lady*

          “The Mary Ellen Carter” is one of my “Deserted Island” MP3s! And if you’re going to get Stan Rogers doing TMEC, don’t pass up “Athens Queen” and “Flowers From Bermuda”…

          Other suggestions: “The Wreck of the Julie Plante” by Mustard’s Retreat (and others…I just like their version)
          “Captain Kidd” by Great Big Sea
          “Scalliwag” and “Lovers Wreck” by Gaelic Storm

    8. Lily Evans*

      Emily Kinney has a song called Mermaid Song, it has a really cool underwater vibe to it!

      1. Lily Evans*

        Also Far away by Ingrid Michaelson, Shark in the Water by V V Brown, and Under the Blue by Hayley Kiyoko have very ocean-y vibes. And Ocean Avenue by Yellowcard for an early ’00s throwback for the adults?

    9. PolicyChick*

      I can’t think of -specific- mermaid/pirate, but ocean beach themes are big in The Beach Boys’ repertoire (‘Kokomo’ is a happy song!). You might check out the musical ‘Once on This Island’, and maybe look into some Jamaican artists.

    10. Heather*

      We did an “Under the Sea” party for my daughter’s birthday. The sound track included:
      “The Tide is High” Blondie
      “Sea of Love” The Honeydrippers
      “Beyoond the Sea” Bobby Darrin
      “Baby Beluga” Raffi
      “Clamshell Clap” Johnette Downing
      “Ocean Foam” The Hit Crew (basically generic luau music)
      “Whale of a Tale” from 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea
      “Surfin’ in My Imagination” Ralph’s World
      “Sail Away Ladies” Dan Zanes

      1. LCL*

        What? You didn’t have Rock Lobster by the B 52s on your playlist? An under the sea party sounds awesome!

    11. SemiRetired*

      I like “Candle on the Water” from Pete’s Dragon. It’s not much of a party song, though… perhaps a lullaby after the party, or a slow dance interlude.

    13. LCL*

      Lots of Beach Boys songs. And Rockaway Beach by the Ramones. The Ventures have surf guitar stuff, like Wipeout and the Hawaii 5-0 theme.
      Under the Boardwalk, Walkin’ in The Sand, Brandy, Green Eyed Lady for the retro part.

    16. LilySparrow*

      There’s a kids’ cartoon series called Zig & Sharko that features a singing mermaid, but I’m not sure if you can get the music separately.

    17. scratchedagain*

      If you’re okay stretching the pirate part to ‘airship’ pirates Abney Park is a pretty fantastic band. More Steampunk/Victorian in look and feel, but they’ve got several ‘nautical’ themed albums. The Aether Shanties album is the first that comes to mind, it’s on YouTube in its entirety if you want to give it a listen.

    18. Jayeraye*

      Warning: none of these are particularly kid friendly.

      Abney Park has an entire pirate themed album called Aether Shanties. Also a song called Airship Pirate.

      Flogging Molly songs called Seven Deadly Sins, Salty Dogs, and Drunken Pirates.

      Go forth and party! And remember that International Talk Like a Pirate Day is in September.

    19. Daphne*

      May already have been mentioned up thread but the theme song from “Help I’m A Fish” has jettisoned into mind from the depths of my childhood. On googling the band were called Creamy. Sets the tone for a terrible but catchy pop song!

      1. Elly*

        Oh yes, I LOVED that song! And now it’s stuck in my head XD “I’m a little yellow fish in the deep blue sea”

    20. Rick Tq*

      Gilbert and Sullivan’s Pirates of Penzance should be a goldmine. “With Cat-like Tread” is real hoot and reworking the lyrics of “Modern Major General” could also work if you have a singer in the crowd.

    21. Ann O.*

      Most of what I would recommend is already covered, but what about Moana songs for kid-friendly ocean alternatives to The Little Mermaid?

    25. buttercup*

      If you’re interested in other Disney soundtracks, I like Lilo & Stitch for beachy themed songs. I haven’t watched Moana yet but maybe that too?

      1. buttercup*

        “Hawaiian Roller Coaster Ride” and “He Mele No Lilo” are my faves from L&S!

    26. Natalie*

      Jason Isbell and Amanda Shires (alt-country, married) have a duet called Mutineer that is both nautical themed and romantic.

    27. Victoria Nonprofit (USA)*

      How about some of the songs from the Moana soundtrack?

      You could also go the sea shanty route, which will open up a lot of options (Great Big Sea was a popular band — I believe they even have a song called The Mermaid).

    29. Delta Delta*

      “Shipping Up To Boston” by Dropkick Murphys has good pirate lyrics. Written by Woody Guthrie, although I don’t think I’ve ever heard a version other than Dropkick.

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        Yes! Shipping Up to Boston is awesome! (It was written by Woody Guthrie?!? You learn something new every day.)

    30. Alice*

      Not pirates per session, but rollicking sea songs – The Irish Rover. Have fun! Get all the kids to turn around nine times.

    33. waffles*

      Not exactly pirates but there are a lot of great sea shanties like barretts privateers or old maui or ladies of spain or tobacco island. You can often find the sea shanties in different styles (a capella, metalish, punk). our kid loves the ones with drums and strong chorus.

    34. NiceOrc*

      Coming in a bit late here, but how about The wreck of the Diddley, by Fatcat and Fishaface? They sing songs for children and have several albums. I’ve only heard The wreck of the Diddly because it was made into a picturebook, but I can see they have several other sea-related songs. This is their website: http://www.fatcatfishface.com/music_page.htm

    35. A. Ham*

      There’s a really funny pirate song in the spongebob squarepants musical that i’m pretty much obsessed with. it’s called “Poor Pirates”

  7. WellRed*

    My friend’s mom, my Other Mom, was found dead in bed ( peacefully). It was a shock and yet not. My grief is nowhere near that of friend, and because her mom was a hermit, many folks here never got to know her. Mutual friends don’t know what an influence Other Mom was on me, but I feel I gotta keep grief somewhat to myself. Then, I got into a huge, admittedly drunken fight with my mom over Trump of all stupid things, making me feel even lonelier. Other Mom was a liberal hippie.

    1. Gdub*

      I’m so sorry. You are lucky that you had another mom, and your friend is lucky to have you to help her now.

    2. Nynaeve*

      I’m so sorry for your loss. I don’t think you have to pretend not to be sad– it’s a huge deal! And I think it’s pretty normal for grief to make you angry. In a way, you’re mourning the mother you chose for yourself, and it’s easy to see all the ways the mother you didn’t choose isn’t like her. Right now, I’d look for friends who can support you and try to find ways to process your feelings and memories. Internet hugs if you want them.

    3. Cheshire Cat*

      I am so sorry for your loss. Don’t feel that you have to downplay what you’re feeling because your friend’s loss is greater!

      Also, if you have access to an EAP, please utilize it soon. This is one of the reasons it’s there, after all.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      My condolences to both of you for the loss of Other Mom. I hope you both find some relief in knowing that you both see/understand the hole she left behind and the gaps she filled while she was here.

    5. LilySparrow*

      I’m so sorry. You loved her, so of course you are grieving.
      Loss is not a competition. You don’t have to compare “qualifications.”

    6. Detective Amy Santiago*

      I don’t think you have to keep your grief to yourself as long as you’re asking for support from people other than the daughter.

      You have my sympathy. Be gentle with yourself.

    8. tara2*

      My advice with this is to be there for support for your friend, but find a separate friend who can support you in this. Basically, I don’t think you ought to make your grief the Child Friend’s problem, they have their own grief to handle. But, you can find a mutual friend in a moment when Child Friend isn’t around and make them Support Friend.

      You can say something like “I don’t know if you know this, but I always thought of Child Friend’s mom as my Other Mom and I’m taking this really hard. I want to be supportive of Child Friend, but I think I need to talk about my grief somewhere too. Can we talk about this?”

      I hope you feel better, and so sorry you are going through this.

      1. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

        +1. And do talk about Other Mom when it comes up, but realize that Child Friend will be processing grief at a different rate and way than you… when your paths intersect, share the good memories. But walk your own journey… you will be surprised at the number of times and ways that her beloved memory surfaces for you. Sometimes months from now.

    9. Kuododi*

      Grace and peace to you and your beloveds. Give your friends and family the honor of supporting you in this time of loss. You are in my heart.

    10. Sarah G*

      Sharing grief with your friend could be healing for both of you. That is my experience in similar types of scenarios. I don’t know the exact reasons you feel you need to keep your grief to yourself, but you don’t! If mutual friends (or your own separate friends and supports) don’t know what an influence she was on you, you can share that with a select few who are close to you, and let them know you are having a hard time.
      Also, I’m not sure about your relationship with your mom, aside from politics, but if you are close in some ways, and haven’t made up with her, it will probably help you feel a little better if you make up with her. And if you are close with her, let her know you are having a hard time with this loss.
      I also second the EAP suggestion, if that’s an option, or if not, just seeking out some therapy in general is always a good idea when you’re grieving. I’m sorry for your loss, and hope you consider reaching out to get some support, whether from friends, family, a therapist, or any combination thereof.

    11. OlympiasEpiriot*

      So very sorry. Do what you need to for yourself and for your friend as you can.

  8. Handy Nickname*

    Hello everyone! Beautiful Saturday morning here. I’m planning to clean up my house and trying to come up with a few errands to run this afternoon.

    What do you do to get out of the house when you don’t have specific plans? I live alone and I’m not great at getting stuff done if I just stay home all day- I’m way happier if I can get out and do anything.

    Stuff I like to do in my free time:

    Need new litter, so wander around fleet farm to two hours to pick it up

    Go shoot at a recreational archery range near me for an hour

    Driving to bigger metro area < an hour away to pick up my favorite drink they don’t sell in my town at a store where my friend works so I can give him a hug and catch up

    Go see a movie

    Drive around on backroads and try to find new shortcuts to friends’ houses/I places I go

    What do you do when you want to leave the house?

    1. Shay the Fae*

      Walk my dogs!
      Also it’s a beautiful day here. I’m so glad the heatwave broke.
      Just walking in general is really nice, there are lots of nice little bits of nature I like to enjoy.

      1. Handy Nickname*

        Aw I wish I could walk with a dog. I have a bunny right now, but she just makes me want to stay home and play with her, so not very helpful for getting out of the house, but I love her.

        Any suggestions on finding places to walk? I keep finding out-of-the-way places where there’s no other people and them I end up being tense the whole time because I don’t feel safe, and I can’t always find someone to go with me.

          1. Handy Nickname*

            I want to try! I just got her a couple weeks ago after she was flown across the country to a shelter in my state, so I’m giving her time to warm up to me and my place before I start doing new stuff with her, but hopefully she will become a walk-going bunny!

            1. DaffyDuck*

              Check out the bunny obstacle course videos then go shopping for the parts to make one for the new bunny.

              1. OyVey*

                Harness/leash training and bunny agility/jumping are great ways to bond with your new friend! Lots of treats for positive encouragement

        2. Shay the Fae*

          I’m right near a college campus so I walk all over that. I don’t really have good tips for finding good places to walk because I hate busy places but also struggle with empty places.

          1. Handy Nickname*

            College campuses are a good idea! I’m about 60 miles from a metro area with lots of colleges. And I just remembered that the zoo is free and one of my favorite places to visit, so I could go walk there anytime

    3. hermit crab*

      I like to take walks! I like hiking too but in general I think taking walks is an underrated leisure activity. I live near some beautiful neighborhoods with gorgeous houses & gardens, and I like to walk around them and fantasize about which house I would buy if I won the lottery. I also like to walk around while talking on the phone – I call my grandma, my aunt, my dad, whoever and catch up a bit.

      Also, my husband and I like to go to a bar on a Saturday afternoon and do a crossword puzzle together while having a beer. (This can easily be done by yourself as well, but I always bring my husband because I am no good at solving crosswords on my own!)

      1. Handy Nickname*

        I have a friend who lives alone next door to a popular bar, so whenever he’s home at night and feels like doing something or being with people (aka every night he’s home) he walks over and has a beer and shoots the breeze with the employees and other regulars. I really don’t drink (more situational than intentional- don’t love drinking alone and most of my friends don’t), but I’ve always been jealous of home having a Place to just go and be with people whenever he wants to, so maybe I’ll need to start hanging out at bars more.

        1. hermit crab*

          Bars are sort of purpose-built for being that sort of Place (and you can totally hang out at a bar without drinking, or without drinking a lot) but maybe there are other places around where you could do that if you want to take the alcohol out of the equation. For example, a coffee shop in my neighborhood has a collection of board games and there’s often people in there playing Scrabble or whatever.

          1. Handy Nickname*

            That’s a good point. I should spend some time checking out bars and places like that close by to see if there’s one that clicks. I live in a small town with one regular darts & tournaments type of bar, an old-timey restaurant that serves drinks, and a popular restaurant and bar place, but there’s bigger cities about 15 miles in either direction with more options. If nothing else, checking them out will be something to do on those nights at least. Thanks!

          2. TardyTardis*

            Our library has a Board Game Night and Adult Retro Video Games (adults play, not just kids, so no Leisure Suit Larry or Leather Goddesses of Phobos, ‘k?).

          1. Handy Nickname*

            Ha no, a little younger than that, but he definitely has a coveted location among his buddies!

    4. Temperance*

      I play Pokemon Go if it’s not too hot! I also used to chill at our local library, but that’s not great for getting things done, so much.

      1. Handy Nickname*

        I never got into Pokémon go when it came out, so I totally forgot about it, but that’s a great idea! Makes a walk a little more purposeful, or gives me somewhere to drive to.

        1. Red Reader*

          There’s also a similar game with dinosaurs, Jurassic World Alive, if that’s your thing.

      2. Book Lover*

        Me too – I have explored a lot of new areas checking out nests and raids. And right now you can get pikachu with hat and sunglasses and tomorrow squirtle with sunglasses,

      3. Fellow Traveler*

        You can also go geocaching- like Pokemon, but you can find real hidden things. I like it because it is a little more tangible than Pokemon Go.
        Also +1 for the library- I like to go and read all the magazines and newspapers I don’t subscribe to.

    5. En vivo*

      Take a picnic to a park.
      Take long car rides around neighboring cities or towns.
      Walk to library and read a bit.

    6. SemiRetired*

      As has been mentioned, go for a walk. (Set a goal if you like that kind of thing – getting to a specific place, number of steps or distance, find a particular flower, geocaching)
      Library – just to read, or to attend a program
      Senior Center to play cards or attend a program
      Botanic garden
      Bar for trivia night or performer
      Group craft activity (see also Library, Senior Center)
      I also have to wonder – what do you want to get done that involves being away from home? Personally I love a day at home, to putter, read, binge watch, sit on the porch… a day when I can just nap when my cats do is a good day. Perhaps you are suffering from Protestant Work Ethic (or some other cultural origin of a need-to-be-always-doing.) Sometimes I too feel guilty just sitting around – but the sensation passes when I fall asleep with a cat on my lap. So I suggest some reflection – is there anything that needs doing? Maybe you’ll find it’s ok to just… be…

      1. Handy Nickname*

        That’s a fair question! I think it’s less an instilled work-ethic thing (although there definitely was a lot of that in my family growing up like you said, but I’ve gotten much better at enjoying doing nothing since I moved out) and more that I get a little stir-crazy if I’m at home in the same four walls not talking to anyone all day. You know how people talk about walking in circles if they’re home or don’t know what to do/where to start something? I literally Walk. In. Circles. around my apartment if I’m home too long.

        I do enjoy relaxing at home- I try to make sure I’m free at least a couple evenings a week to just hang out and watch tv in the evening, but my problem is that the longer I’m home, the harder time I have getting things done. Like washing dishes or going through my bills or vacuuming. It’s exhausting to wrangle my brain into getting stuff done mode (and then getting distracted 3 minutes in so I have to do it again, and again, and again). Leaving to do something fun, even if it’s just walking around a store, or driving an hour to spend 5 minutes saying hi to a friend who may or may not even be working, gives my brain a break from trying to do things. Like, right now I’m driving, I know where I’m going, I don’t have to make any decisions, and it’s relaxing in that way.

        And the other half of it is just being an incurable extrovert who loves having my own place so I don’t have to share or negotiate anything, but mostly wants to be Anywhere Where There’s People, aka not home.

    7. Merci Dee*

      Yesterday, kiddo and I drove about an hour away to a larger metro area just to shop at different places than what’s available around here. We did lots of window shopping, but only made a purchase at Lush. My daughter loves taking baths with fizzy bath bombs, so those were a treat for her. And then we had a mid-afternoon snack at The Cheesecake Factory; we decided it’s a good thing we don’t have that restaurant in our town because we would eat nothing but luscious cheesecake for the rest of our lives.

      We just enjoy getting out and wandering when we have the chance. It’s fun to see where we end up, and we always have a good time.

    8. Middle School Teacher*

      Walk my dog, if it’s nice.

      There’s a great cafe/used bookstore down the street from me so I like to pop in for a latte and a browse. There’s also a great tapas place so I’ll stop by with a book for a gin & tonic and a snack :) Or go to yoga!

    9. Lora*

      Dance! There’s a couple of places in Boston that get an older crowd and have live music. There’s also usually a few west coast swing, jazz and ballroom dance events going on.

      Although I’ve been spending time with friends recently, so we go to their house or they come over.

    10. Competent Commenter*

      I struggle with how to structure my weekend time for a variety of reasons. My free time is so precious yet I find myself frittering away the weekend in unenjoyable ways if I don’t have some kind of plan. I can also get really overwhelmed by all that open time and sort of freeze. I want to do everything and make huge to do lists and then end up feeling bad I can’t do it all.

      What’s been working lately is to approach it like I’m filling a plate with a healthy variety of food, with the different things that are fun, important, necessary for mental and physical health, etc. For me that means each weekend needs some outdoor exercise time like longish walks or strenuous yard work, some time at my personal desk paying bills/answering emails/other paperwork projects, some time on food purchase/plan/prep for the week, some household project like the leaky faucet, some house cleaning, and something totally frivolous like doing a puzzle or playing solitaire on my phone while I listen to podcasts, because I need to let my ADHD mind off leash for a while on a regular basis. As long as I get something from most categories onto my plate each weekend I feel balanced and good on Monday. Hope something in there helps!

    11. Anonymosity*

      I go see a film if there is something on I want to watch. Usually, what happens isn’t “I want to go out,” but after I’ve already been somewhere, it’s “I don’t want to go home.” If I’m out during the day, I’ll go to the flea market and look at stuff. I don’t have to buy anything but it’s kind of fun and it kills time.

    12. LizB*

      Go to the lake, sit on a beach towel on the grass, and read a book
      Try a new coffee shop or lunch spot
      Take a bag of stuff to donate to Goodwill and then browse to see if I want to buy anything there
      Check out one of the free museums in town
      Ride my bike
      If there’s some kind of festival/art show/outdoor event happening, go and people-watch

    13. Victoria Nonprofit (USA)*

      – Decide to find a new wine, go to the liquor store, sample.
      – Get an ice cream cone at a fancy ice cream shop.
      – Window shop on the quaint commercial street, with my dog if she’s allowed.
      – Grocery shopping.
      – Doorknocking for political candidates (not as miserable as you might think!)
      – Many errands related to the dog: get her nails clipped, go to the pet store to buy a toy, go to the fancy pet store to buy her absurdly expensive prescription allergy food, etc.
      – Go to a movie at the $3 movie theater by myself.
      – Go to the bookstore just to browse.
      – Dog park.

  9. dorothy zbornak*

    I am currently reading a book about Chappaquiddick and listening to a podcast about it (Cover-Up by People Magazine actually, which I have mixed feelings about, but still). Has anyone seen the movie? I really want to once I finish the book and also right now my main takeaway is that Ted Kennedy was a giant POS.

    1. Artemesia*

      As a politician he worked very hard to support policies that benefited those less fortunate than he was and was hard working and did a lot of good. He would certainly have made a better president than the last half dozen we have had.

      BUT wow what a POS on that day his only thought was his own skin. He acted like a teenager who has done something awful and now wants to hide it — and he was a grown man at the time. Classic overprivileged rich boy who never had to take responsibility. The accident meant he got caught screwing around with campaign staffers and so his first thought was his reputation rather than the safety of his passenger. Probably she dies anyway — but still a POS. I have always wondered if his reckless behavior which led to this tragedy was partly designed subconsciously to destroy his political career –after all look what presidential ambitions did for all the other men in his family.

      1. dorothy zbornak*

        you make a very interesting point regarding wanting to subconsciously destroy his political career. he made comments about how he was sure “they” were going to kill him and I really don’t think he wanted the expectation hanging over his head.

        1. Cheshire Cat*

          Agreed, I’d never thought about it from that perspective before.

          I loved him for his politics and the way he stood up for those of us who are not independently wealthy, but his personal life was a mess.

    2. The Buddhist Viking*

      Ted Kennedy did act like a total POS. Still, I’ve never thought she was deliberately killed. I think they had an accident with tragic consequences. I even think that he might have tried to help her but been unable. But nothing excuses his not going immediately for authorities/help/anything. In the wake of this accident, his number one priority was covering his own ass. Not okay.

      1. Artemesia*

        Oh of course there is not possibility she was ‘deliberately killed’; her own family never even suggested that in their grief and anger. It was clearly an accident; they took a small road to a beach for a little private roll in the hay and he drove off a bridge in the dark that was easy to drive off of especially if you were a little drunk which he probably was. He was lucky not to die himself and he may well have tried to rescue her as he said he did. The behavior afterwards was grotesque and selfish, but the event was an accident and that it happened during a sexual encounter added to the urge to cover it up.

    3. WellRed*

      I saw it. It was hard to imagine how they were able to take the steps they did in rhe aftermath and get away with it (as viewed through today’s lens).

    4. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Are your mixed feelings about the podcast itself or about People? Because I have discovered that I am ridiculously addicted to true crime podcasts and would love a new one to add to my roster.

      1. dorothy zbornak*

        My mixed feelings are about People. I feel like their website/magazine quality has really tanked over the years. I also love true crime podcasts so I definitely recommend it! What other true crime podcasts do you listen to? I have the following that I subscribe to:
        Best Case/Worst Case
        Real Crime Profile
        Someone Knows Something
        True Murder (the host is kind of meh but he usually interviews very interesting and well spoken people).

        Also, Vanity Fair does a podcast called Still Watching and they did episodes about The American Crime Story Versace episodes which were GREAT.

          1. AvonLady Barksdale*

            Dirty John was really good, as is Criminal. I liked West Cork a lot– you can find that on Audible or Amazon. I’m currently listening to The Long Dance, which is only OK so far. I also enjoyed Heaven’s Gate.

            It’s not exactly true crime, but if you haven’t listened to S-Town, YOU MUST.

        2. Detective Amy Santiago*

          Thinking Sideways is good!

          I also loved the miniseries Slate did about Watergate called Slow Burn.

        3. Dragonista*

          I listen to a lot of true crime podcasts, I’ve made a list of favourites which haven’t been mentioned yet, possibly because they are British and therefore less well known in the States:
          All Killa, No Filla
          RedHanded
          They Walk Among Us
          Talk Spooky to Me (mixture of true crime and discussion of paranormal with references to films etc)

      2. Fiennes*

        Try “Casefile,” which is excellent. You might also look at “Criminal,” which is a slightly different take. Sometimes it’s straight-up true crime, but other times it’s about analyzing criminal patterns of behavior, or talking to someone who committed a criminal act, or even looking at political movements that broke the law in an attempt to do good.

        1. dorothy zbornak*

          Thanks! Just subscribed to Casefile. I actually have Criminal in my library but I haven’t listened to it yet.

      3. Violet Strange*

        Another vote for Casefile and Criminal. Also check out In Sight and Trace Evidence.

        1. Elzer87*

          Not sure if it was mentioned above, but Generation Whys is great too-I’m a true crime junkie!

        2. Daring Greatly*

          I like My Favorite Murder but I always end up having to take a break. Sometimes they do too much chattering about this and that and I’m just like GET TO THE MURDER ALREADY.

    5. Former Employee*

      Years ago, I read a magazine article that questioned if the accident wasn’t some kind of set up. I do not recall the author’s name, but the premise is that it was strange that Mary Jo Kopechne was riding with Ted Kennedy because she didn’t like him. She was an avid supporter of Bobby Kennedy and had worked on his campaign.

      According to the account in Wikipedia, Mary Jo Kopechne hardly knew Ted Kennedy – no mention that she didn’t like him – yet she left with him, but did not take her purse or hotel room key (they were still at the house where the party had been held). Why would she do that?

      Because things don’t add up, I will always wonder if there was more to this than what we will ever know.

  10. all aboard the anon train*

    So I tried Blue Apron and Hello Fresh recently. I enjoy cooking, but summer is so busy for me and it’s nice to have meals delivered so I don’t have to think about meal planning or grocery shopping aside from supplemental snacks. I’m not in love with BA, but I’ll probably stick with HF and maybe check out Home Chef or some others.

    I’m….not that impressed with the price and quality and type of recipes. They recipes are kind of basic and most of the weekly options are things I’d cook anyway. And the produce is always so sad looking (the lemon they gave me, for instance, was so tiny compared to the ones I get in the store, and the scallions are always so pale).

    But what I’m most shocked by is the portioning. Some of those meals are up to 800 or 1,000 calories per serving! And it’s because they tell you to eat a whole chicken breast when a serving size is 4 ounces (or half the chicken breast). I have a 2 person/3 meals subscription, but I can easily double it and get 12 portions instead of 6 each week. I know this is just because I stick to recommended portion sizes and because I eat periodically throughout the day instead of big meals, but I have to wonder if these companies are trying to get the most for their money by recommending one serving is a full chicken breast.

    Because $60 for a week of lunches and dinners is a much better deal than $60 for a week of dinners only. I also wish there were more vegetarian options rather than one choice a week. Anyone else have similar thoughts? I can see how meal kits work for people who don’t like grocery shopping or meal planning, but for someone who doesn’t mind those things and enjoys cooking, I don’t find it super convenient except during my busy periods.

    1. BRR*

      I feel the same way. I did cooksmarts which is a recipe planning service since I was still going to have to go to the grocery store but eventually discontinued it. I’ve ended up saving my favorite recipes as PDFs and every week just look there for what I want to make and make my list.

    2. OperaArt*

      I like Chef’d because lets you select from hundreds of options whenever you choose to order. Handy for anyone with dietary restrictions. It’s an on demand system rather weekly.
      Same problem with portion sizes. I usually get 3 or 4 servings from the “2 serving” meals.

    3. The Other Dawn*

      They’ve recently started carrying Hello Fresh in my local grocery store. Seems to be part of the store remodel they’re doing. Anyway, they only have a few options, each two-serving meal is about $19.00, and the calories were a bit shocking for the portion size. Even with a $2.00 coupon I didn’t buy a meal, but I could tell when was in the kit and it didn’t seem like enough for two people. I feel like that’s a lot of money for what’s in the kit, and they didn’t seem particularly inspired. They’ve already taken down the signs in one location, which makes me think it’s not selling. The other location still has it.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Wanted to add that, in my mind, a whole chicken breast would be a normal serving. But I had weight loss surgery, so four ounces of cooked meat, if I don’t have side dishes, is all I can handle. A whole chicken breast is very normal for my husband, though. We would likely get only the two servings from a kit.

        1. all aboard the anon train*

          I think portion sizes are totally dependent on individuals. For me, an entire chicken breast plus two sides is way more than I can eat in one sitting – and way more than I really need to eat. But I know it’s just the right amount for other people.

          It baffles me, though, that BA or HF say one full chicken breast is one serving, but then the packages of meat they send say one chicken breast is two servings. It’s the mismatch of info that is making me question their intention? Purpose? Audience? IDK, it just jumped out at me as bizarre that so many of these meal kits market themselves as healthy, but their calorie count per meal is huge.

          1. Artemesia*

            There is also some confusion on what a chicken breast is. I think butchers refer to the whole breast as one breast — that is two sides thus generally two servings.

            1. The Other Dawn*

              Good point. If we’re talking a whole breast as in both sides of the breast, yeah that’s way too much for most people, even my husband. But he easily will eat a half, which is usually about 7 ounces of cooked meat.

      2. AdAgencyChick*

        I can’t with the portion sizes on any of the meal prep services. My husband and I both lift weights, and he would mow down the portions “for two” and still want more before I even got any.

        Also, even if the portions were generous, Hello Fresh in particular would never, ever get my business. They do so much aggressive sidewalk marketing in NYC. When I worked near a large subway station and tourist trap, I couldn’t leave the office to get lunch or get on the subway to go home without being accosted by one of their employees trying to get me to sign up.

    4. Sunny Day in the ADK*

      I mostly agree with you.
      My sister is a big advocate for it, but I didn’t think it was worth the cost. She gave me a coupon for a free week and I did enjoy the meals, but not enough to spend $60 a week on it. But I live right next door to a grocery store, which makes it easy.
      This does remind me that she sent me a new coupon for a free week of Plated, so I’ll try that.

    5. Falling Diphthong*

      I’m always kind of fascinated on the Fivethirtyeight podcast for what new twist this week’s sponsor will have on “Do you like X but hate having to go to the store to shop for X? X dot com will deliver great quality X to your house, freeing you from this onus.”

    6. Competent Commenter*

      This kind of reinforces what I’d assumed about these services. My method is having easy to make meals that I can lean on when it’s busy, favoring long shelf life and freezer so it’s handy when needed.

      My choices are kind of meat oriented (lapsed long time vegetarian with a picky family of four now) but here are a few examples: broiled tilapia/rice/bagged salad; make a ton of turkey meatballs or veggie stuffed pasta shells and flash freeze them, then cook in or with a pot of purchased marinara sauce and serve with a veg; Costco sells a good chicken tikka masala with a long fridge shelf life, also their rotisserie chickens are good for multiple meals and I make broth from the carcass; and we like the Trader Joe’s frozen orange chicken. Folks may have multiple kinds of objections to many of these but as things to rotate in on particularly busy days they seem like even less work than the delivery services to me, and one can adapt these examples to free-range, vegetarian, low sodium, etc.

    7. Loopy*

      I had HelloFresh and loved it because not only am I bad at cooking, I dislike meal planning AND prep. It was perfect someone like me who hates the whole process and HF minimizes it.

      Also, left to my won devices all my meals are rather sad and extremely lackluster from disinterest. HelloFresh actually bumped them up.

      To chime in on serving sizes, I think it varies, if I make a HF meal with my fiance who runs around at work all day and then eats dinner as his biggest meal, it’s juuuust enough for two people and sometimes he still wants more food, depending on the meal. On my own, I can always divide the two servings into three.

      I was getting it once or twice a month and then discontinued it to save money but I miss it. I have all the meal cards but even just picking them out and gathering the ingredients is more than I usually want to do and I rarely use them :X

    8. ronda*

      i havent tried it but I do think that these kits are for folks who don’t really want to cook that much. So simple and fast recipes it what they would go for.

      1. all aboard the anon train*

        I wouldn’t call any of them particularly fast tbh. What they market as a 30 minute meal still has about 10 – 20 minutes of prep and if you’re not great at multitasking when cooking, it takes double the time.

        1. Loopy*

          +1 esp. for those who don’t do things like chop/dice often. It takes me 45-60 minutes every time.

        2. Roja*

          My mom tried one of them, can’t remember which, and that’s what she said as well. A bit fussy and 45-60 minutes total, which is a lot (and more than either of us usually spend making meals) when you just got off work and are hungry for dinner.

        3. SS Express*

          Agree. My husband and I tried one of these services earlier this year and were not impressed. We typically favour quick and easy dinners during the week and the meals we got took so much longer than our usual ones! We often buy washed chopped veggies, meat that’s already been deboned or cubed, etc. The extra time washing and peeling and chopping soooo many ingredients then washing up the numerous bowls and pans was so much more work than doing a weekly supermarket run. The meals we got were very tasty, but not worth spending close to an hour in the kitchen on a work night when we could typically have a quite tasty meal ready in 20 minutes.

          1. SS Express*

            And yes they were twice the price of the meals we would normally cook – and we’re not particularly thrifty cooks! For the time and money involved I could make something much better from scratch.

    10. FD*

      I can’t get over the prices, honestly. I budget $25/week for groceries, and that’s for all meals, all week. Meal prep on Sundays and then just reheat through the week.

      I can see the appeal for people who can afford it and have very little time, I suppose.

      1. all aboard the anon train*

        Wow, $25/week is impressive! I don’t think I could do that, but I live in a HCOL area and $25 at even the cheapest store wouldn’t get me a full week of meals. I’m usually at $60ish for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and two snacks. But I also have a lot of staples in my pantry that I don’t need to buy each week and will buy meat in bulk to freeze when I have a car available to go to Costco.

        1. FD*

          Yeah, groceries are pretty cheap in my area (Minnesota). I know I do better than a lot of my peers, but a lot of them buy pre-packaged which increases the price. I have the advantage that I really don’t get bored with eating the same thing every day.

          Now that you mention it, I suppose those services may be, relatively, more affordable for folks in HCOL areas.

          1. all aboard the anon train*

            Yeah, if I can get 6 days of lunches AND dinners from a meal kit for $60, that’s in line with what I’d be paying at the store anyway. But $60 for just six meals is super expensive even for my budget.

    11. Anonymosity*

      Holy crap, that’s a lot of money.
      I’d rather just have a personal chef. I don’t like having to spend time cooking anything if I’m busy. Hahaha maybe someday.

    12. MsChandandlerBong*

      We got a free week of Blue Apron from a friend. I am glad it was free–I would have been mad if I paid for it. I found it to be a total waste of money. The portions are small, the price is outrageous, and the amount of packaging they use is terrible for the environment.

    13. Alice*

      Among my friends, the people who like it
      – don’t know how to cook
      – don’t have a well-stocked pantry
      – want to teach their kids to cook
      – have lots of money
      If all those things are true for you, I’m sure you’ll love it!

    14. nonegiven*

      If there is too much, set some aside for lunch tomorrow. IDK, usually recipes and nutrition labels tell me way less than I’ll need to eat for protein.

    15. AnonAtAllTimes*

      Why cook much at all? I seldom do. A typical meal for me is something like Greek yogurt with fresh fruit, a salad of shrimp and baby spinach and tomatoes lightly dressed, tuna on whole wheat bread with tomato, regular plain oatmeal (which you can microwave), cottage cheese out of the tub, and raw fruit and vegetables (washed, of course), stuff like that. Minimal if any prep, minimal cleanup, quick, nutritious, delicious. Once in a while I’ll make pasta (I make the sauce in big batches and freeze it, use it as needed). I don’t understand why people feel they have to do a lot of cooking. I guess they just like doing it. I don’t, but I do like to be well nourished. And I am. With almost zero cooking. And at a great savings of time and money. Also, no leftovers. And I almost NEVER throw food out, because I buy what I know I’ll consume, and then I consume it. These meal services seem like a waste of money to me.

      1. all aboard the anon train*

        I like cooking. I like the meals I make from cooking. I like being well-nourished from cooking. That’s why I do it. There’s nothing wrong with it.

    16. CS Rep by Day, Writer by Night*

      We have had Plated for about a year and really like it – I think they have a good variety, especially ethnic cuisines that some people might not be exposed to otherwise. I agree that the portions are huge, but I just eat half and bring the other half for lunch later in the week.

    17. Borgette*

      I’ve been trying meal kit services recently and have been pretty happy with them – at the promotional price. So far my partner and I have tried Hello Fresh, Blue Apron, and Plated. We thought that the Blue Apron box had smaller servings, and it doesn’t group the ingredients like the other two, so it’s a little less convenient. I do like using their online recipes when I do regular meal planning. Hello Fresh and Plated feel comparable for us. (Plated has more options, but Hello Fresh has enough variety for us.) I think Hello Fresh’s regular pricing is slightly better than Plated’s.

      I recently made a long-distance move for a new job, and between longer hours, a longer commute, and looking for a new place I have a lot less time and a little more money. Like 2-3 hours less per day less. It’s been a rough transition, and the meal kits have reduced stress in the household. Before, I was the primary meal planner and shopper and I just don’t have time to handle it right now, and my partner struggles with meal planning and sticking to a grocery budget. If I need to work late, the printouts have all the information my partner needs to start dinner. Once things settle down, we’ll probably go back to shopping normally, but for now it’s helpful.

  11. matcha123*

    I’ve gotten some great advice from posters about dating. I haven’t had much success, so I’m taking a bit of a break.
    I am more comfortable talking with strange guys and have some topics I can turn to. But, I don’t feel comfortable talking about marriage and I don’t feel comfortable with being touched early on. I can’t picture myself with a forever partner, even though I think I would like one.
    I feel confident that this is a ‘red flag’ for a lot of men…they probably expect that if I were interested in them, I’d try to ask about kids or family stuff…or that I’d be happy to let them break the ‘touch barrier.’
    Do ‘normal’ people feel comfortable with total strangers coming in to kiss them or touch them on their first meeting? If so, why? Are there really many women that feel that a guy isn’t interested if he’s not trying to touch them on the first date? Do I really need to feel comfortable exchanging sexual messages with men in order to be a successful dater?

    I am not a sexual person, especially with strangers and I feel like this, too is kind of holding me back… Aside from just waiting to see what kinds of guys I meet, should I completely rethink things?

    1. all aboard the anon train*

      I really hate being touched, especially intimately, by people I don’t know well. I’m bi with some pretty strong leanings towards demisexual, so I generally need to form an emotional connection before I can relax enough to feel physically comfortable with someone sexually. Sometimes the emotional connection is quick and sometimes it takes awhile.

      When I’ve dated men, I’ve never really felt that a guy wasn’t interested if he wasn’t trying to touch me on a first date. There were a couple I know who were put off by my lack of touch during the first date or who definitely picked up on my uneasiness, but tbh I wouldn’t want to be with someone who got prickly because I didn’t like that they started touching or kissing me when I wasn’t comfortable with it. A lot of them were fine and we went on several dates before we kissed or touched or exchanged sexual messages.

      I don’t think I ever talked about kids or marriage until we got past three or four dates. But for me, talking about it on a first date is a red flag that they’re only looking for a wife and bearer of their child. I know it’s important, but I want to figure out if we’re emotionally compatible before jumping into those issues, you know?

      TL;DR: I wouldn’t worry about it. There will be some men who will be put off by it, some who won’t care, and some who will feel the same as you do! Honestly, my advice is to figure out what makes you comfortable, not what makes a stranger you’re meeting for the first time comfortable. You’ll feel more confident dating if you know what you want and what your limits are. This is something you shouldn’t need to change, and a good person will compromise with you and try to understand where you’re coming from.

      1. matcha123*

        I think I need that emotional connection to feel safe? opening up more to a potential boyfriend and then talking about those other big issues. Honestly, the idea of marriage or committing to one person forever scares me. I don’t feel comfortable talking about that with a new potential partner because it’s something so different from what most people are.
        I’ve been on over 10 first-dates in the past 3 months and I’ve had a number of incidents that made me uncomfortable, but I didn’t say anything. I don’t know how to explain it, but when I’m sitting there and this guy who I’ve chatted with in the week or two leading up to the date keeps touching me, I’m thinking “What does he want me to do?”

      2. foolofgrace*

        I think it’s valuable to talk about Non-Negotiables early on. If a man wants children and you absolutely don’t, it’s important to get that distinction out in the open earlier rather than later. Otherwise, why spend time together if you’ve got vastly different agendas? If you’re incompatible in certain areas, you can both move on to find someone you can be compatible with.

        1. matcha123*

          How do you talk about that? I don’t feel comfortable talking about marriage or anything like that on a first date. I am living overseas and guys ask how long I’m going to stay. I don’t know. It depends on so many things. I’m not going to stay here in hopes of getting a man and decline good jobs. Would I stay longer for someone I really liked? Most likely.
          Do I want kids? No. Is it written in stone? No.
          I really don’t have any set in stone life goals. I’d prefer to move home as soon as I find a good job, but if I have a partner, that’s something I’d like to talk with them about. And I might voluntarily pass on jobs back home if I’m happy with my life with that guy. There are so many variables that I don’t think it’s easy for me to talk about them or bring them up.

          1. foolofgrace*

            I agree that first date would be awkward to talk about kids or marriage (though I like the third date suggestion) but there could be other issues, like you might have your heart set on someone who is a college graduate or who has a dependable job. It sounds shallow, sort of, but if it’s important to you, it’s important to take it into consideration.

            I got this from a class I took once on “How To Be Single.” It was actually quite valuable though I felt kind of weird signing up for it.

        2. all aboard the anon train*

          I consider three dates in early on, though. That’s when I usually bring it up or the other person does. All my first dates were pretty casual quick things to see if there was anything there worth pursuing and the times where people did bring up non-negotiables on the first date it felt like a job interview and was pretty awkward.

          I don’t think waiting until a third date is that bad, to be honest. If you’re waiting until six months in, that’a different issue.

    2. chickaletta*

      There are so many different kinds of people out there that you will find a guy that has the same approach to dating/touching/sex as you do. You just have to honest about it from the beginning to weed out the ones who want something different so you’re not wasting your time on them.

      What is attractive no matter what is confidence. As long as you know yourself and you know what you want and you’re ok letting other people know that, that’s what’s attractive! :) You seem to think that you’re not dating the right way or that nobody is going to want what you want. Honey, you’re fine! You are doing it right! I think you do know yourself and you do know what you want. No, go out there and get it! And have fun!

      Oh, I’ll answer your other questions (as a dating woman myself): I do like physical contact. So, if a guy holds back physically I probably won’t stay with him for long. Not because I think he doesn’t like me – (although I admit, that would definitely cross my mind – dating is such an emotional roller coaster) – but because I know that we wouldn’t be sexually compatible in the long run.

      1. matcha123*

        Honest from the beginning means like what you first chat through an app or when you first meet up? These days, people are pretty fine with touching or casual sex. I’m not really down for that, but there have been the rare guy that I feel totally comfortable with and I don’t mind a hug from guy A on the first meeting, but I feel uncomfortable with the same from guy B.
        I do like physical contact. I like to hug and hold hands and such and so on, but of the men I’ve had dates with over the past year and a half, really only 1 was someone I felt comfortable doing that with early on.
        How long would you give a guy if you guys got along well? Since you like touch yourself, I’m guessing that you reach out to touch him early on as well?

        I should add that even with a lot of close friends, I kind of jump or stiffen when they reach out to touch me. I had a bad incident as a kid where I was accused of inappropriately touching a classmate (I grabbed his shoulders) by the classmate (the teachers decided it was fine) and since then I’ve been very careful not to touch or be touched by anyone. I’ve only realized that my touch aversion links back to that and I’m trying to overcome that, but it’s very hard.

        1. chickaletta*

          Through chat or on the first meeting, either is fine. I did online dating last year and learned that being honest (without seeming like you’ve got baggage to unload) is a good idea. Something like “I’m looking for a relationship that develops over time. Let’s meet for a chat over coffee to get to know each other a little bit and see if there’s a connection, maybe it will lead to a second date!” can signal that you want to start off slow but still sounds positive.

          On the date itself, you can straight out say that you don’t want to hold hands yet or whatever, if you’re comfortable saying that, or you can show it in a round about way. Example: date’s going well, guy asks if you want to see him again. Say “yes! I’d really like to. I save my hugs and kisses for later dates anyway”. WINK WINK :) And if the dude doesn’t get the hint and watch his distance, repeat that you would like to see him again but that you prefer to save hugs/kisses until you get to know him better. If he still pushes the physical contact at that point then he’s probably not a good person to date anyway. Anyone who makes you feel uncomforatable or tells you you’re not normal is a jerk.

          How long would you give a guy if you guys got along well? Since you like touch yourself, I’m guessing that you reach out to touch him early on as well?
          If the date is going well, I’ll kiss him at the end of the night. I’ve never ended a date with a kiss if I knew I didn’t want to go out with him again. Sex I save for a few dates in. I don’t know if it’s really that common to have sex on the first date, I think it’s hype, but maybe it depends on the generation? I’m a Gen Xer, so I can’t speak for today’s twenty-somethings.
          Again, everyone has their own level of comfort as you’ll see from all the replies on this thread. Do what’s comfortable for you.

    3. En vivo*

      I’m ‘normal’ ;) and I wouldn’t allow a stranger to kiss me. My husband and I even waited until our wedding night to be sexually active. And no, we’re not a 100 years old :D. We dated for about two years and have been married for almost 4 years. It’s what we both wanted and decided to do. My suggestion is to stick to who you are, and the right-for-you guy will respect it and perhaps want the same.

      1. matcha123*

        Maybe because I’m in my 30s, the guys I’ve met have felt like it should be easier to escalate things. I’m open about my lack of experience in the dating world and I’ve tried the first-date kissing, but felt no spark. More annoyance. Glad to hear that I’m not totally alone!

        1. Jessica*

          What’s your religious background? I don’t think I’ve ever kissed anyone on a first date, and my husband and I waited until marriage to have sex…but I think all the men who pursued me romantically were pretty aware of my religious convictions and had an idea that I wasn’t going to be interested in a lot of physical contact right away. If I was meeting people through tinder or something it might have gone differently ;)

          1. matcha123*

            I went to church as a kid, but I’m not religious myself. I did have a strict upbringing, but it was more about not becoming a statistic. Religion doesn’t play a part in my approach to dating, though. I almost feel that being religious would make things easier because I’d have a community I could tap into.

    4. The Other Dawn*

      Just want to say upfront that I’m married, so not dating. In general, I wouldn’t like being kissed or touched at a first meeting. Handshake would be fine, but anything more is too familiar for me. I think if I WERE dating, I’d feel the same way.

      1. matcha123*

        I did have a guy imply that I was weird for not being open to his touches and he asked if I were not actually gay or asexual. Was annoyed and amused that not immediately jumping to sex (which was what he wanted) with a stranger (when that was never mentioned as a possibility before we met in real life) meant that I was gay… *rolleyes*

    5. Amy Farrah Fowler*

      I really think everyone has different feelings on this and the key is to communicate. I tend to open up quickly. When I met my husband, we made out on our first date, and it was lovely. But if either one of us hadn’t been “into it,” we wouldn’t have done it. People are always going to have different feelings about things like this. I really don’t think there is a right way or a wrong way, just a right for you way.

      1. matcha123*

        Is this something I should be bringing up? I feel like the men should be able to ask, too if X, Y, and Z are important to them. I have a very difficult time knowing what I want or should want. Which means I can’t communicate something I have no idea about.

    6. LilySparrow*

      It’s been a while since I dated, but I am a relatively touchy person. I’m comfortable with a pat on the arm or shoulder if I’m having a great conversation with a new person, date or not. I’m happy to be hugged (briefly) by nearly anyone who doesn’t actively give me the creeps.

      But I would only be okay with a more flirty touch – say, the knee or the small of the back – if I really, really clicked with a first date and had great chemistry. That might be too forward in some situations. If I felt a guy was pushing the pace or just generally too handsy, that’s a huge turnoff. On the other hand, I had some first dates that were pretty hands-off and developed into nice situations where we saw each other for a while or eventually got serious.

      If a guy can’t adjust to your cues & timing on things like when touching is okay, that’s a good and very clear sign that he’s not tuned in to your frequency properly. And if he’s not picking up your cues about touching your knee over coffee, he’s not going to understand your responses and preferences when it comes to kissing or anything more, either.

      A guy who makes you feel uncomfortable or defensive on a first date isn’t going to make a good partner. I field-tested this theory multiple times and assure you, it is a reliable data point.

      I didn’t always kiss on the first date, either. Including with my now-husband of 15 years. (FWIW, we didn’t meet till I was 32)

      From what I hear, I would probably hate contemporary online dating culture. I tried online dating a bit in the “old days” and didn’t love it.

      I did sometimes shut down overly steamy messages or phone calls. Because, dude, I don’t know you! And to me, stock “sexy” lines just sound ridiculous. Intimacy is, by definition, personal. Not generic.

      You don’t need to have some kind of big talk or disclaimer up front. Just respond authentically in the moment. If a guy wants to talk long-term plans or marriage on first meeting, say something like, “I don’t know, I don’t have a specific agenda.” Or, “Wow, that seems a bit premature, don’t you think?” Or “I think it’s too early to tell.” Or say, “I’m not philosophically opposed to marriage, but I’m not interested in getting married just to check the box.”

      If he’s too touchy too fast, scoot back and say something like, “what’s the rush,” or “dude, chill,” or “eh, we’re not there yet,” or just nonverbally show that it’s too much.

      The whole point of dating is to find the few or one person who is compatable with you, out of all the potential partners in the world. So just be open about your feelings & responses in the moment. Yes, a lot of guys will discover they are not compatible with you. That’s good! It doesn’t sound like you want a couple dozen boyfriends at the same time. So you’re weeding out the “no’s”.

      You sound to me like a totally normal person who just prefers getting to know people slowly in real life instead of hooking up with strangers.

      That’s totally valid, and there are lots of people exactly like you. But you’ll probably have to meet them out in the world doing other things, because online dating is a marketplace. That means it’s disproportionately slanted toward people who are actively looking to “close the deal” quickly, whether that means hooking up or getting married.

      If you’re not involved in many social groups outside work, maybe an activity-based Meetup that isn’t focused on dating (Sports? Hobbies? Fandom? Spirituality? Volunteering? Art?) might be a better way for you to meet people without pressure and get to know them better outside a dating scenario.

      1. matcha123*

        This is great advice, thank you! I’ve been thinking more about activities these days. There isn’t much I’m super passionate about anymore, and when I have done group stuff, I don’t try to engage with members. If I go to an exercise event, I’m there to work out and go home and get annoyed when people try to socialize with me. I guess I should be more open to chatting with people during or after activities.
        The overwhelming consensus is that I need to speak up more. I am so afraid of negative reactions that I really have my guard up. I’ll have to try the next time I meet someone!

        1. LilySparrow*

          I’m glad it was helpful. Remember, you’re not there to just get them to like you. You’re finding out if you like them.

          As I saw in a Facebook meme the other day, “You’re not the free salsa. You’re the guac.”

        2. Minocho*

          “I am so afraid of negative reactions that I really have my guard up.”

          Maybe trying to take on the software development philosophy of “fail fast” will help with this – if you’re in a dating situation, failing fast is an advantage – you’re not wasting either person’s time, you’re not forming an emotional attachment before you discuss something that is a deal breaker for a long term relationship. That way the negative reaction is actually a positive – you found the information you needed early.

          My problem is I’m willing to be very honest and open about things, and I approach dating as a way to find out if a long term relationship might be possible with the guy I’m going out with. Thus far, guys seem to interpret my openness to honestly answering questions about myself, my history and my goals to be instantly open to other things – even though one of the things I’m very honest and up front about is I require an emotional connection to get much of anywhere physically.

          ::shrug:: It feels frustrating to be clearly communicating, and being told that I am heard and understood, and yet have the guy clearly communicating his interests and the fact that he’s not *really* hearing me. But…then…at least it failed quickly, right?

  12. Shay the Fae*

    A bad thing happened. And I don’t know what I need to heal from it.
    I live in a neighborhood where there is a lot of tension, mostly between the white college students and the black, poor, families who lives around the college. I’m one of the college students. I’ve been here for a little over a year now.
    There was a group of kids I’ve been rather friendly toward. They’re all afraid of dogs to one extent or another and many have been bitten in the past. But they like my dogs. And they had a lot of questions for me. And they like to say hi.
    It’s rather a lot for me, I’m a bit of a socially anxious recluse and I have a hard time understanding them. And the way they communicate excitement and interest is to be loud.
    Over the summer, the pool across the street opens and the number of the children in the area triples.
    Anyway, a few days ago I was taking one of the dogs out for an evening “jog”. There were about 12 kids hanging out inside my apartment’s fenced front yard. They were climbing on the fence, swinging using the gate, and climbing on the front step’s hand rail. There was even a kid on a bike. It was a lot.
    I was able to get past them with my dog without to much issue.
    Coming back inside was another issue.
    When the gets on the gate saw me they screamed and one ran. And that panic just spread. I ignored it best I could and navigated toward my front door. As I was unlocking it someone threw a football at the back of my head and other kids threw plastic bottles and sticks at me (or maybe my dog?). The football was the only thing that hit me.
    When I got inside, I tried to close the door but three kids leaned against me and stood in the door jam to stop me.
    They were yelling and I don’t know what about.
    The kid threw the football again. It hit the door jam and the kids keeping me from closing the door jumped back so as not to get hit by the football bouncing off the jam.
    I closed and locked the door. And immediately they started pounding on it.
    No one can hear when you knock on the front door so I just went into my apartment and cried.
    The one positive thing is, I guess, that my dog did an amazing job of just sitting next to me (like I trained him to do) and not getting worked up by the commotion. I’ve been working very hard to train him.
    But yeah.
    I didn’t want to call the police on these kids because I don’t have faith the police will handle it appropriately. And I couldn’t fight back or anything, they’re kids (ages 5-12). I’ve talked to my family and went to counseling yesterday. I just still feel shaken up and devastated and hopeless.
    I’ve done my best to be a nice, friendly neighbor. But this just really shows that I will never be apart of this community.

    1. Mananana*

      Oh, my goodness. Just reading this made me feel anxious for you. I am SO sorry this happened to you — this was not cool. At all. You didn’t ask for advice, so I’ll not offer any. Just prayers that things get better for you.

      1. Shay the Fae*

        I did email a professor who lives in the area and he’s trying to find the right community leader for my specific area to talk to. And I’m not really sure what the meeting will accomplish, but I haven’t been able to tell these kids to leave me alone effectively so maybe that?
        Yeah, I think all I need right now are prayers and internet hugs.
        I think reaching out to try to find a community leader was the only right thing to do.
        It’s just hard.

        1. Artemesia*

          This seems really smart to me. I hope there are community leaders who can intervene and perhaps set something up with you and the kids parents. And kudos for not calling the police in a situation the police ought to be able to defuse — but we all know that is so often not what happens and what a risk it is to minority kids.

          1. Shay the Fae*

            Thanks. I don’t want to be all like “I should get cookies for not calling the cops!” but having it affirmed that this was the right choice helps to calm the angry, vindictive side of me that doesn’t want them to “get away” with it. And I hate that I have that part of me in the first place. And then I think that I probably shouldn’t hate that part because what good does hate do for me in the first place?

            1. Falling Diphthong*

              Some advice I read from a teacher that might cross over here–if there’s any way to make the first contact a positive one, parents tend to react better when you later say “Darren did something bad that you should talk to him about.” Like “Boy we both know Darren is a great kid with lots of energy who is usually so nice to my dog, so I couldn’t believe it when he threw a plastic bottle at Spot.”

              1. Anonymosity*

                Yeah, given the ages of the kids, I think doing something like this with the community leader is the best approach.

        2. nep*

          Good idea, reaching out like that.
          Big hug and may your efforts pay off in peace and a sense of security in your own home.

        3. neverjaunty*

          That is actually an excellent choice. You were right that calling the police may have resulted in a huge overreaction, but that doesn’t mean you have to put up with these kids being little assholes.

        4. Not So NewReader*

          Strong prayers and reassuring hugs, if you want them.

          I love how the prof is helping you. Is there a nearby church that is pretty active? Perhaps a popular minister/other professional?

          I think what your prof is looking for is a community leader who is in good with these kids. This leader would say, “hey, com’on, let’s leave Shay alone…” and be effective in saying that.

          If it comes about that you are able to meet with a few of the kids in a neutral environment, be sure to learn their names. Write the names down after the meeting to be sure you remember, if need be. Knowing people’s names can change everything.

        5. Jessica*

          I think reaching out to a community leader was a great idea! Especially because you couldn’t quite make out what the kids were yelling about. Maybe the kids standing in your doorway were trying to apologize for the actions of the others. (I mean, that’s super unlikely I know…but it would be good if an adult could talk to them and ask “what were you guys thinking?” and seeing if they were just being jerks or what was going on.)

    2. matcha123*

      I don’t know if this will give you perspective or not, but, I grew up in low-income Section 8 housing. There were some kids who were always just trying to do weird stuff. I don’t think they were trying to be malicious about it. But I think it was a mix of wanting to mess with someone (usually an adult) and wanting to get some kind of attention.

      I remember one time waiting at the bus stop by my house, seeing kids from my neighborhood pushing each other in shopping carts…slowly…in the middle of the street. They knew that the drivers would be punished for hitting them, and they knew they were being a nuisance.

      I don’t think it’s really about you and more about the kids being obnoxious and probably wanting attention. If it happens again, turn to them and calmly say, “Throwing things at people is not right, if you keep it up, I will speak with your parents.” And if they do keep it up, go knock on their parents’ doors. Even if you don’t know who the parents are, if there’s a house that seems like it’s one where they are congregating around, go to that one. I’d say escalating to the police is a lot. And I am not condoning what they are doing. It was incredibly mean and stupid. But, I am pretty sure that if it were a suburban cul-de-sac, the first step would be parents and second would be police.

      1. Shay the Fae*

        That’s basically what my sister said. She’s a nursing student and she’s told all the time that when patients are mean to you it doesn’t have anything to do with you. They’re being mean because they’re in pain or dying of cancer or something. And, that doesn’t make it okay, but that’s a pretty good reason to be a jerk.
        And I think being a kid, living in this neighborhood, not having your parents around (there is seriously about 0 adult supervision here) probably knowing someone you love who’s dead or in jail, that’s a pretty good reason to be pissed off at the world. (I hope none of this sounds racist? I have an EMT friend who teaches kids to use Narcan because it’s a real problem here. And, same thing, a class I went to was taught by two police officers and they told me a lot of things about were I live.)
        And then kids have little emotional regulation.
        I think I do know of a house I could go to. (But eek! Talking to people! And people I don’t know all that well!)

        1. matcha123*

          It doesn’t sound racist. The kids in my shopping cart example were white and minority. It’s something that you often find in low-income housing.
          It’s hard. They know where you live, and I think it’s fair that you ask if they live on the block and where their parents are. I think you said you were getting in touch with a community outreach person? Might I recommend having an officer visit as part of community outreach? In my neighborhood the local police department came with a few officers, cake, activities and held a summer afternoon program. People who didn’t know each other were able to meet, we met the local officers, etc. That might be a way to get them to have a fun focused activity and realize that they need to be responsible.
          However, that’s not your job! It’s a nice thought, but, the kids were wrong for acting out and their parents should have been on that.

    3. Myrin*

      Oh my, I’m so sorry – even if they were just kids, that sounds really scary!

      Just so that I know I’m following the story correctly: there were kids there who aren’t the ones who are interested in and asked questions about your dogs before, right? And then those kids became scared of the dog when they saw you two and started attacking you? I’d be really shaken by that, too, and again, so sorry you experienced this. :(

      1. Shay the Fae*

        It was either all new kids coming to the area for the summer programs at the rec center, or a mix of some kids I knew and some new ones. I wasn’t paying too much attention to see if I recognized anyone.
        Thanks for your empathy(sympathy?). The support really does help.

        1. LizB*

          If you think the new kids are in programming at the rec center, maybe it would be worth chatting with the staff/director of the rec center? Not with the aim of getting anyone in trouble, but maybe they can re-set expectations with their participants about how they act in the neighborhood, or even work some themes of community service or being around animals into their program.

    4. nep*

      That sounds horrifying–I’m so sorry this happened to you. Glad you were able to get in and lock the door, and that the dog behaved so well and according to his training.
      I don’t have any advice–just commiseration from a fellow socially anxious recluse. I salute you for your bravery and for working on engaging.
      I’ll be interested to read responses here. And please keep us posted.

    5. Massmatt*

      Sorry you have such terrible neighbors. These kids are bullying you to an incredible degree and I doubt it will stop unless you stand up for yourself. They are throwing things at you, keeping you from closing your door, and pounding on your door. This is crazy and obnoxious behavior, to put it mildly. It seems like you are… trying to ignore it, for fear of being deemed racist? It’s not racist to defend your boundaries.

      I’m skeptical that going to the parents will result in change, if they were good parents their kids would not be throwing things at you and pounding on your door. They are more likely to respond with anger or denial, or indifference.

      1. Cheshire Cat*

        Not to derail here, or get into a sociological discussion, but I have to take issue with your “if they were good parents” comment. Twelve-year-olds are fully capable of acting in ways their parents would not approve of, and the younger kids followed along.

        One of my friends growing up had two brothers who frequently got into trouble (bordering on juvenile delinquency) from the time the the older one was 11 or 12, in spite of their parents. And this was in a middle-class area; lots of neighborhood parents blamed my friend’s parents, but nothing they did changed the brothers’ behaviour. By the time we were all in our 20s, though, they had become responsible adults and even went into business together (the business is still open, 30 years later)

        Plus, parents in poor neighborhoods have other stressors as well– such as having to work 2 or 3 jobs with low access to quality childcare. The parents may very well be trying to raise their children well.

      2. LCL*

        Call someone at the rec center and mention what happened. And call the police if they do that blocking the door jamb and leaning on you crap again. Once someone touches you it’s gone beyond youthful hijinks and they have forfeited any right to neighborly courtesy.

        1. Thursday Next*

          I think talking to someone at the rec center could be a good idea. I wonder if I might be possible for you to visit with your dog, and be introduced? Or if this would be a good idea?

          I disagree that children this age (some of them were as young as 5!) can forfeit the right to *adult* courtesy. Calling the police would be a hugely disproportionate response.

          Shay, this sounds terrifying, and I’m impressed that you reached out to your professor, and hope you’ll get some helpful resources that way.

          1. LCL*

            It’s not the climbing on stuff and yelling, or even the chasing. Kids do that. Nobody would call the cops about that. It’s the blocking the path and deliberately throwing something at somebody’s head. I’m sure most of the kids are fine. In the event described, I wouldn’t have called the cops, because OP didn’t know who threw the football. But yeah, I’m confident saying the kid who threw the football is close to damned already, and probably won’t grow up to be a decent person. And if he or she does it again, call 911.

            1. TL -*

              Oh, wow that is horribly judgmental and not at all realistic about what kids are like. Some kids are little sh!ts and do things like throw things at people – kids, even 12 year olds, aren’t really great at putting consequences to actions. They’re not great at conceptualizing what could happen if they throw too hard or putting together intentional head hit with head injury.

              They learn by having consequences enforced and by growing older and being able to put cause and effect together. But that kid is not “close to dammed” and, actually, they probably will grow up to be a decent person.

              Shay, if you have an ‘adult voice’ and can firmly say, “Excuse me, guys, but I need to get home. Please stop.” that’s generally effective with kids in this age range. You have to say it with conviction, like you absolutely a) know that they know they’re being out of line and b) that they will stop when you ask. Practice in front of a mirror if it helps.

            2. LilySparrow*

              Geez, it was a football, not a cinder block. Kids throw footballs at each other all the time – they exist for the purpose of being thrown at people.

              They were being awful little jerks, not perpetrating a violent crime spree.

      3. Jessica*

        It’s been one incident — up until now the interactions have been positive. And race only comes up because historically, a white person calling the police on minority children can have deadly or lifelong consequences, and it’s too risky to escalate the situation like that.

        1. WellRed*

          Agreed! I am guessing this might not have happened if it were the same group she’s already interacted with. Throw in some new ones and its bound to go sideways (though I am shocked by the door blocking, in particular).

    6. Cheshire Cat*

      So sorry you had to go through this! Talking to a community representative sounds like a good idea.

    7. Rick Tq*

      Call 911 if it happens again because if you get caught by the mob you may not survive. That was a gang assault and the lot of them should at least get a warning from an officer.

      I also strongly, strongly suggest moving to a safer neighborhood. Life just gave you a warning.

      1. Shay the Fae*

        I would if that was an option.
        I literally had a heroin house next door for most of last year. (That’s what the police I know called it.) And one of the guys that hangs out there threatened to shoot my dog. (This is what triggered my landlord installing the fence in the first place.)
        These are children, mostly on the younger side. I think there was like, one 12 year old who was maybe suppose to supervise?
        I’m not sure if you mean mob as in like The Mob, which would be something I object to, or mob mentality, which surely played a part.
        I don’t think any of the kids will pull a knife or gun on me. I’m worried if I handle this wrong a parent or older sibling might though.

      2. ThatGirl*

        Whhaaaa?? Now this seems kind racist, she said they were loud kids, not an angry gang mob.

        1. Rick Tq*

          Shae wrote … And that panic just spread. I ignored it best I could and navigated toward my front door. As I was unlocking it someone threw a football at the back of my head and other kids threw plastic bottles and sticks at me (or maybe my dog?). The football was the only thing that hit me. When I got inside, I tried to close the door but three kids leaned against me and stood in the door jam to stop me. They were yelling and I don’t know what about. The kid threw the football again. It hit the door jam and the kids keeping me from closing the door jumped back so as not to get hit by the football bouncing off the jam. I closed and locked the door. And immediately they started pounding on it.

          Sounds like an angry mob to me. We don’t know how many of the 12 were younger and just following along vs. older and more aware but a football to the face will hurt no matter what age person threw it.

          1. ThatGirl*

            I don’t blame her for panicking but it sounds to me like she was overwhelmed by loud, rowdy kids who were being jerks, but I do not think mob scene. I think woman who was uneasy and overwhelmed. Even three loud kids can be a Lot but it doesn’t make them a gang.

          2. Shay the Fae*

            This doesn’t clarify if you are calling the kids, basically, a gang, or if you are talking about mob mentality.

            1. Rick Tq*

              I am calling the group that chased you to your home and tried to force their way in a mob. Especially since they were pounding on the door after you locked it.

    8. LilySparrow*

      I am so glad you are okay and, especially that your dog kept control of himself. If he’d reacted defensively or nipped at anyone, wow. That could have escalated fast. Good dog! And good training!

      I wonder – and this is just based on my own experience of the common features of kids between areas I used to live in similar to yours, and kids in the more “suburban cul de sac” type area I live in now. The group dynamics are actually pretty similar.

      A group of a dozen mixed-age kids is not a monolith. A chaotic situation can spiral and result in out-of-hand reactions from everyone, but they have different roles in the group and different agendas. Some are instigators, either due to intent or unpredictability. Some are followers. Some are fixers who try to look after and protect the younger ones. And there’s often a competition between the instigators and the fixers as to who is “in charge” of the group.

      I wonder if maybe the kids who tried to follow you inside and yell, or pounded on the door, were the fixers trying to intercede and make sure you weren’t going to call the cops or otherwise get them in trouble? I’ve had some kids get extremely and inappropriately pushy, even when their intentions were pretty good.

      Add to that cultural differences, and kids trying to take adult roles without the skills to do so, and you could easily get kids trying to head off trouble but instead making everything worse.

      I don’t know if that’s what was actually going on, but it’s one possibility that might give you some more hope and confidence in dealing with the situation.

      1. Candy*

        This is sort of what I was thinking. Shay says when they got to the gate the kids screamed and one ran, presumably because of their dogs. And that panic spread while they ignored it and continued toward their front door. To the kids, continuing to walk through the yard full of kids with scary dogs may have come across as Shay being threatening by not caring that their dogs are scaring some of the kids, which may have resulted in the kids throwing the bottles and sticks. Yeah, it’s unfortunate that the kids panicked at the sight of the dogs and got all worked up over it, but Shay panicked at the sight of kids too and instead of calmly introducing their dogs to the new kids, they ignored the kids’ distress and bullied through the throng instead of taking a minute to let them adjust to the dogs.

        If Shay knows most of the kids in their neighbourhood are afraid of dogs but some like them once they’re introduced, wouldn’t it have been better if when Shay got to the gate and the first set of kids screamed, they knelt down and said something like, “oh don’t worry, my dogs are friendly. Come over and pet them.” That may have diffused the initial panic, or maybe not, but as the adult dog owner I think staying calm being aware of how others react to your dogs falls more on Shay than children.

    9. Blue Cheese*

      I’m black and I promise you it is not racist or immorral to call the cops when a black individual (or individuals) does something illegal or wrong. You really should get the cops involved before you or someone else gets hurt. No one here or anyone else should encourage you not to call the cops to report a crime.

      1. Thursday Next*

        Honestly asking—how much should the age of the kids be considered? Like, I could see calling the cops if it was a comparably sized group of 16/17-year-olds, who are larger and more capable of recognizing their actions as crossing a line. But with young kids? It seems different to me.

        There was one time I was walking my kids into our building, when there was a group of 10-12 young teenagers scuffling and yelling in front of the entrance, blocking my access. I steered the stroller wide around them, and once I was inside, I waited a few minutes to see if anyone of them was being hurt. It turns out that it was just some very physical play among friends. I’m glad I didn’t call the police in that situation, even though I was initially a bit scared.

        This is obviously different from what Shay experienced, which sounds much more directed at Shay rather than simply occurring around Shay.

        1. LCL*

          It’s not the age, it’s what they are doing. What you described as yelling and scuffling, of course not. Even a couple kids fighting, no. But I would call the cops if a bunch of 11-12 year olds were ganging up on somebody, even one of their own peer group. Deliberately trying to hit someone with a hard thrown object is crossing a bright line. If he? had tossed a cup of soda I’d have said let it go.

  13. How to love where you live?*

    Any tips for how to love where you live? My dream is to live in France or Scotland, but I realize that it’s not a particularly realistic dream (e.g., both of my parents are U.S. citizens, so getting citizenship would not be that feasible). I would love to hear your suggestions/tips for what you do to better appreciate and feel content with where you live.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Drive around or google as if you were a tourist visiting the area.
      Make note of seasonal changes that are particularly gorgeous.
      Find out what is unique to your area, you may have to include your broader area to find something.
      Ask people why they like living where you are.
      Picture life withOUT the specific people you see daily. Is it better or do you feel a sense of loss with some people?

    2. Jemima Bond*

      It’s a cliche because it’s true – the grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence. A lot of Scotland (whilst it has many lovely attributes!) has a socio-economic status you would find very difficult coming from the USA (if that’s where you are from). The cost of living and the size of flats/houses is usually better in the USA, for example. In the UK there’s not a lot of air conditioning and practically no drive-thru dunkin’ donuts.

      1. Jemima Bond*

        I didn’t mean that last sentence to sound sarky. I mean, a prosaic comparison of stuff like the cost of rent and food and petrol, how many motorways there are and how many sunny days there are per year might cast your current location in a better light!

      2. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

        Indeed, this is true in France as well (and just about anywhere). There’s the nice romantic image we get of a place, and the qualities that attract us to it in our imaginations. And then there is the reality that it’s just as hard to get a good job, make friends, feel that we are represented in political matters, etc etc. I do like living in England but the image I had of it before I came here was very different from the reality of poverty, racism, despair, and snobbishness that I actually found. Not that everyone in the country is like that, but I didn’t realize just how pervasive those things actually are here.

        And yeah, air conditioning. We’re having a heat wave here, and while it’s nothing compared to the temperatures I used to experience in the desert Southwest, 75-85 F is pretty hot in a place where it is usually very mild and also very humid. My in-laws live in southern France and the climate is a lot like Kansas (hot, humid, lots of bugs) but nobody has A/C there either.

        I suppose the best thing to do is try to analyze what it is that you imagine about those places that you would like. Climate? Accent? Architecture? Culture? You might well find that some part of the US is surprisingly similar.

    3. BeenThere*

      Maybe you can’t move to Europe but perhaps you could move to another state or city? We have lived in Europe and 4 different states and traveled to many others. I think when you find the right place you just know it.

    4. anonagain*

      I recommend the book This is Where You Belong by Melody Warnick. It’s kind of in the vein of the Happiness Project and has a bunch of place making exercises.

      I listened to the audiobook just out of curiosity and because I was interested in her personal story. I didn’t set out to do any of the exercises or change how I feel about my city, but I found that it subtly changed how I think about things.

      She discusses a really wide range of strategies, so if a particular option doesn’t work for you, I think you’ll still get something out of it.

    5. RestlessRenegade*

      In my personal experience, there can be things that make the place you’re living not fun for you. (For example, I am NOT a big city person. More than half a million is too many.) But it sounds like you’re talking more globally than just the city, so for me the key is being around the right people. I’m family oriented, so I need to be close to them, but a lot of my friends are unique, worldly, etc. which makes me feel less like everyone around me is a carbon-copy and helps me get that culture that I don’t get in a smaller American town. Then, I also have my favorite places, restaurants, parks, etc. that I frequent, plus new places to try, and finally I make it a point to get out of town two/three times a year. I’d love to be able to travel to new places more often. Hope that helps!

    6. Thlayli*

      I’ve found that people often have unrealistic perceptions of countries they want to live in. Perhaps you have a realistic attitude to Scotland and France. But just in case you do have some idea that Scotland and France are lovely perfect countries, Watch trainspotting, then watch The Class.

      Maybe subscribe to Scottish and French news websites and see what’s happening there.

    7. TL -*

      I (American) moved to NZ for grad school and it’s a beautiful country and some Americans really do love it here – the very laid back ones, usually, who are not a good fit for American culture. (Not lazy! Just very laid back.) Most, if not all, came here either for grad school, which is a great way to move to another country and generally includes job opportunities when you graduate, or because of their partner. (which is a less great way to move because you risk ending up a lot more isolated, especially if you decide to stay after a break-up.)

      That being said, NZ is definitely not for me long-term. The quality of life is lower than what I had in America and it’s in ways that really matter to me (housing, electricity and food prices, and quality of consumables are every day things. Availability and quality of medical care for rare and/or complex disease is a thing I worry about vaguely – in America, I would have health insurance, though, so your mileage may vary.)
      The cultural differences are not super easily discernible but they are deep and profound – for instance, there is an attitude here that the primary responsibility of fixing social issues lies with the government and not the people. Racial relations here are incredibly different, because they’re primarily framed around Maori/European tensions, instead of the hodgepodge that is American racial relations. None of those are wrong for NZ, but it’s very different from my (very American) values and expectations of what responsibility lies where.

      Like I said, there are absolutely Americans here long-term (though all of them have kept their American citizenship as far as I know) who find it a really great fit and don’t mind any of the trade-offs. There is lots about NZ to love, just like in any country! But the things that really get to you aren’t the big obvious things most of the time – they’re the little day to day things or a really fundamental difference in perspective that isn’t easily articulated into a ‘cultural norms’ lecture.

    8. misspiggy*

      I look for walking routes that will take me through the nicest or most interesting bits of an area, and take them frequently. It’s good to feel physically part of what’s going on.

      I make plans to visit the places I love, and make my living conditions as similar as possible. So if there are house types, gardens or decor that remind me of places or ambiences I care for, I prioritise those.

  14. Dopameanie*

    Controversial Opinion Corner:

    Engineeers, man. I’ve been gone a couple weeks for work stuff related to FIXING what engineers BROKE. Consequently-

    Engineers, ranked by their Headache Inducement Potential (high to low)

    1. Civil
    2.Structural
    3. Biomechanical (tie)
    3. Mechanical (tie)
    4. Robotics
    5. Social
    6. Software
    7. Electric
    8. Biomedical
    9. Chemical
    10. Agricultural

    This is the only possible ranking, because I used the scientific method to develop it. So obviously there is no possible way to criticize it.

    Regardless, if you enjoy being incorrect, FIGHT ME!!!

    1. hermit crab*

      What about environmental, petroleum, and architectual? I need to know where those rank so I can properly judge the rest of the list.

      1. Dopameanie*

        See, I tried to keep it short because I don’t want my perma-engineer-headache to blossom into an engineer-migraine.

        But you are probably right. Lemme see here: architectural would be maybe tied for 2nd, petroleum between 5 and 6, and environmental is real low, like 11.

        1. hermit crab*

          In that case, I’m cool with your list. Strong work. (I trained as a geologist; engineers are simultaneously our closest colleagues and our mortal enemies.)

          1. Dopameanie*

            I am POSITIVE that it ain’t just geologists.

            TBH, the environmental engineers have been some of the less uppity of the engineering circles I’ve been in.

            Nothing worse than an uppity engineer.

            1. hermit crab*

              I think the environmental engineers get flak from other engineers for not being hard-core/macho/omniscient enough (or so my environmental engineer friends tell me). So it’s not a surprise that they are the closest to, like, regular non-engineer people.

              1. RestlessRenegade*

                Agree 100%. I work with a ton of civil engineers who are also environmental engineers, and the ones who do environmental work (esp. remediation) are far more tolerable than the ones that do geotechnical (landfill, waste management) stuff. The wastewater people are a mixed bag and the geologists are all super friendly. :3

                1. Dopameanie*

                  Can I also just add that the Municipal-level wastewater people I know are EXACTLY the kind of people that I want at my parties? I think maybe working in that portion of the industry makes you take yourself less seriously. Or I’ve been really lucky.

        1. Dopameanie*

          I…uh…didn’t know that was a thing? I thought it was scientists and Homer Simpson all the way down.

        1. Dopameanie*

          Huh. I’ve never specifically dealt with one of those. Which means they are low on the scale! Yay!

    2. Handy Nickname*

      If third place is a tie, wouldn’t that make robotics technically 5th place, since four types of engineers are ahead of them on the list? Call me a nitpicker, but I am just here to defend the sanctity if the scientific method you CLAIM to revere!

      1. Dopameanie*

        *pinches bridge of nose*
        SIGH….Handy, don’t you get it? Engineering is NO PLACE for nit-picking. I mean, attention to detail? Psh. That’s no way to get invited to all the good engineering parties.
        *looks down at handy condescendingly*

        1. only acting normal*

          Yeah! ;)
          Go hang with those persnickety detail obsessed scientists instead.
          (*waves from scientists’ corner*)

    3. AnotherJill*

      Can you add “Electrical who think they are software” and put them at the top please?

      1. Dopameanie*

        Hmm…persuasive claim.

        Rejected on the basis that “list of engineers who are too confident in their abilities and expertise” is just the word ENGINEERS!!!! scrawled on a piece of blueprint paper with a blue-inked pen.

      2. LCL*

        As long as it’s paired with ‘Software who think they are electrical, yet refer to house AC as high voltage!’

    4. LCL*

      As my life partner is a mechanical engineer, I would say MEs are #1. But he makes me pour over coffee. When MEs use their powers for good instead of evil they rock.

      #2 has got to be electrical. Like when I asked this week for some numerical ratings of some equipment. Should have been 10 numbers max, more like 5. He sent the whole 125 page document with the derivation. And no, the values, which were the point, weren’t called out in a table.

      1. Dopameanie*

        A thing that almost came out of my mouth last week:

        Oh, CHARTS?! I got your charts, buddy. I got em riiiiiight here.

        I did not say this. I never get enough credit for the things I manage to not say.

        1. LilySparrow*

          Right? People seriously underestimate how much work it is to not say All.The.Things. Some days it’s exhausting.

          I occasionally tell my husband some of the things I managed to keep from saying, just so he can congratulate me. It helps.

      2. Kuododi*

        I was raised by a mechanical engineer (now retired) and as far as I know…they keep the world properly spinning on it’s axis. Dad.has always been able to fix or repair anything. For example, when I was little, Dad took the bottom of a rubber trash can and used that to repair the clothes dryer. The thing lasted until I was half way through seminary!!!! Now that he’s retired, he spends every Friday at our local School for the Blind repairing Braille writers. He also volunteers with some other of his engineer pals to help at one of the women’s shelter making sure their apartment residences are ready for new occupants. (painting, fixing drywall, repairing appliances and all other stuff needed to keep the facility in good shape for the women and kids.). Needless to say I have always been very proud of Dad. He’s one of those quiet types who does amazing things to give back to the community.

        1. Dopameanie*

          So, maybe it’s just the exposure I’ve had in my industry, but all those things strike me as less mechanical engineering than the horse sense of a good contractor. The kind with a background in farming, yknow?

          Maybe it’s just that’s what a mechanical engineer looks like when you remove the superiority complex. I dunno.

          1. Kuododi*

            Funny you mentioned farming. Daddy was actually raised on a farm in the backwoods of SE USA. He was the first in his side of the family to go to college. He told me more than once that growing up he knew he wanted to be an engineer pretty much as soon as he was old enough to know what the job was, and what it entailed. He would tell me about when he was a kid and all he wanted to do was fix and repair mechanical objects. With no support from his family, he found the right college for his goals and worked to pay his way through for a degree in mechanical engineering. I’m sad to hear you’ve had such negative experiences with engineers. They are just like every other member of the human race. (Good apples and bad apples). I wish you good luck in resolving your headache… Blessings.

            1. Dopameanie*

              I have, recently, had SUPER negative experiences with engineers. But one of my biggest complaints is that they only see the world the way it is presented in a textbook. The only experience they have with physical product is what the vendor showed them at a conference, while it is still SHINY and FUNCTIONAL.

              FARMERS on the other hand, have a boatload of experience making something work that should’ve been junked 15 years ago. They work nearly entirely around long term maintenance in non-ideal conditions with not enough money, manpower or time. Every last one I’ve met is humble and hardworking. I would take 3 farmers over 10 engineers any day of the week.

              1. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

                +1 on the farmer over engineer choice. Sigh. If I had to be stuck on a desert island, I’d survive longer with someone with creative fix-it skills and a can do attitude.
                Nephew just chose to get his diesel mechanic certification at community college instead of his Electrical or Mechanical Engineering degree (qualified for “very” good school and was in the gifted program). practical kid and hates office politics. Didn’t have the heart to try to explain that he will either have to work for someone, or deal with customers. At least he gets to work with his hands, which he loves “the most.” Sadly, his schooling never presented him with enough intellectual challenges of the sort that fully engaged his problem solving bent. So he couldn’t see how he might enjoy a career in front of a computer (his words).

              2. OlympiasEpiriot*

                You have my sympathies. This is despite me actually being a card-carrying, licensed engineer. Geotechnical, moreover. A shocking number of us are incredibly impractical. An astounding number are also incurious and just got into this because of wanting a steady job.

                I treasure the engineers who like to tinker, are curious about everything and who genuinely try to collaborate instead of loom over the team.

                1. Dopameanie*

                  Y’all need a secret “one of the good ones” card, or, like, handshake or something. So the rest of us will know what we are getting ourselves into at the preconstruction meetings and whatnot.

                2. OlympiasEpiriot*

                  @Dopameanie

                  I got nuthin’. I mean, I pretty much get a sense during a pre-proposal walk-though, but, seriously? No way to tell. This is why I treasure the ones I had good experiences with and I pray they do not retire or have a problem.

    5. Enough*

      What is a social engineer? If it doesn’t require high level science and math and does not come under an engineering disciple that has a licensing procedure they are not engineers. There are many areas to civil engineering. In fact Structural engineers are civil engineers. I’m married to a civil (bridge) engineer and the son is a structural engineer so obviously your first 2 are very very wrong.

      1. Dopameanie*

        Well OBVIOUSLY a social engineer is a civil engineering type who manages to trick somebody into marrying them and perpetuate the engineering species for the next generation. They engineer sociableness.

        Actually, it’s got to do with exploiting how people psychologically work and think to get what you want. Example: your passcode to your fancy software is nearly impossible to crack. So it’s easier to just call the receptionist, pretend to be in IT, and ask her nicely for the passcode.

          1. Dopameanie*

            I feel like your inability to appreciate, participate, or ignore the obvious conceit of this here thread is really headache-y, providing further proof that my list is precisely correct.

    6. LilySparrow*

      I notice that aerospace is not on there, and I commend your perspicacity.

      Because my brother is an AE and is possibly the least headache inducing person I’ve ever met. Also, he shoots things into space.

      The problem with your other engineers is that they have insufficient Awesome to counteract the headache potential.

        1. LilySparrow*

          Now we just need to figure out how to apply a protective layer of Awesome to render headachy people harmless.

          Or perhaps we could administer it internally. What’s the engineer equivalent of a salt lick?

          1. Dopameanie*

            Hmmm….those fancy wood puzzles that you have to figure out how to get apart? Perfectly operational taxpayer owned infrastructure that is vulnerable to gullible politicians? A pie graph that is organized by feelings so they can just consult the chart rather than deal with their own emotions? Gold-plated protractors?

            1. Dopameanie*

              A water clock? The smallest rubber O-ring ever? A puzzle that is missing one piece, and that piece is in their pocket the whole time? A magician who is bad enough at his job that the engineer can figure out how all the tricks work? WD-40? Adult sized tinker toys?

              SO MANY CHOICES!

      2. TL -*

        Oh, no! My brother is an aerospace engineer (who works in oil, so I classified him below as a petroleum engineer) and many of his friends – he went to Georgia Tech – are aerospace engineers.

        Giant headaches, all of them. They can’t see a number without some gadawful techy, mathy discussion and heaven forbid we so much as pass a bridge.

        1. LilySparrow*

          Interesting.

          Now that I think about it, my brother’s colleagues do seem to give *him* a lot of headaches. So perhaps he’s an outlier.

          Or perhaps he is hogging too much of the Shooting Things Into Space, and not letting them have enough turns. There could be an Awesome Imbalance.

    7. TL -*

      1. Chemical (I worked in a chemical engineering lab that had left the chemical engineering department because it was too sexist/racist/awful. The lab was also sexist/racist/awful. Chemistry and chemical engineering have a reputation for being sexist/racist/awful.)
      2. Petroleum (my brother is one.)
      3. Biomechanical (they’re pretty cool but sometimes they don’t know anything about biology, which is a pain in the patootie.)
      4. Civil (all the civil engineers I’ve known are pretty darn chill. I like them.)
      5. Robotics (goal focused, does cool stuff, and one of my friends is a robotics engineer. Very cool all around.)

    9. T*

      I work with Civil’s and would probably be classified as one so my experience is they are mostly fine, normal people. Mostly. But in my experience, Mechanical’s and some Electrical’s act like they fully understand civil engineering principals and therefore, can either do my job or want me to thoroughly explain to them why their attempt at my job is wrong. I don’t pretend like I can understand how they design and build airplanes, I don’t see why they think they are an expert in storm drainage or structural walls.

    10. OlympiasEpiriot*

      As someone who works best with her hands, I would put Software at the top. they all want to automate EVERYTHING or claim that there could be an app for whatever it is I’m describing. They seem to act as if there is always network access, satellite access (for GPS), having a computer or tablet is always practical, and there is an endless supply of power.

      They like to wave their hands at me to shoo me away when I bring up subway tunnels, other hard rock tunnels under construction that don’t have repeaters installed, lack of line power, generators that might not have enough redundancy, floods that can knock out power (in tunnels) and other things that Actually Commonly Can Happen And Have Happened On My Jobs and that — although the project supposedly has everything covered — I like to plan around by assuming the worst and THEREFORE don’t want to be relying entirely on GPS/Satellite/Networks/Power and yes people still have to know how to use paper and pencil and we need these forms and people have to know how to communicate using them.

      I kept two jobs running during Sandy and was the main emergency contact on my block during the whole time we had no power. Kept my cellphone charged using a solar cell charger I had (rather large one, Mil Spec at the time), still had no network access over a large party of the city.

      1. Dopameanie*

        I have DEF experienced this. And it’s not just at disasters-level. I’ve seen stuff designed where a frequently needs-maintenance part got stuck in the MOST unsafe part to be. Or! No contingency for eventually replacing stuff as it wears out (like, not leaving space to maneuver an old part out and the new part in) etc.

        And when you bring it up, they pat you on the head and you can HEAR IT while they are thinking “awwww….it thinks it’s engineering people. Isn’t that cute?”

        Headachey!!!!!!!!!!

        1. OlympiasEpiriot*

          No. Contingency.

          Right.

          Amazing how they don’t have a contingency plan. I think they just plan to sue someone else when it goes wrong or claim “changed condition”.

      2. TardyTardis*

        We have seagulls that fly into transformers. And bulldozers which dig up and chop fiberoptic into confetti.

  15. Undecided*

    Okay, I’ve asked multiple people in my life for advice about a “dilemma” I’m facing and I just can’t decide what to do.

    Just to preface, I don’t really have a big, close family and that is something I have been craving lately. So, while it appears this dilemma might solve that problem, I’m not so sure. An aunt who I haven’t heard from in almost a decade dropped off an invitation to a family get together (my uncle’s birthday) at my workplace. I work at a school close by to her place, in fact I’ve been working there for about 3 years. I know that she knows I work there, one of the students asked if I knew her one day (he’s belongs to a friend of her’s), I replied with something to the extent that I used to know her, etc. Anyway… I was a bit taken aback by the note. My dad died last year and in the note she said that they were on vacation around the time of his death, didn’t hear about it for a few months later, and gave me condolences and invited me to the party. I guess I should be GLAD they gave me condolences or whatever, but it just irritated me. Yeah, it’s nice of them to send a condolence note… but 15 months later? Gimme a break.

    I guess, I have a lot of anger towards my aunt/her family, because we haven’t heard from them in a decade and we used to be VERY, VERY close. People have pointed out to me that, well… I could have contacted my aunt if I was so hurt by their decision not to contact our family anymore. They’re right, but it didn’t occur to me. I was so young that I thought they had no interest in me, so why bother? I’m sure my aunt had some sort of falling-out with my mother, who has her own issues. But maybe because I’m an only child and her kids were my only close cousins, I just really felt hurt. I mean, my cousins made no attempt to contact me either. I guess, in retrospect, I could have contacted them. Anyway, all in all I took this to mean that they had no interest in me and I just moved on.

    I’m really not sure if I should go to this party or not. My gut has really been leaning towards no, but everyone I ask seems to think I should go. I am very hesitant to go, because… yes, perhaps, this could reconnect us. But she had 3 years to contact me (she’s known that I’ve worked there for that long), but she didn’t.. until now? That just bothers me. I’ve been told that it shouldn’t bother me, but it does. I’ve also been told that it WHY she cut off contact shouldn’t bother me, but it does! It just does! I also imagine that going to the party will be unimaginable awkward, what do I say? What do I talk about? Do I just pretend that none of this bothered me?

    I know that I should probably suck it up and go, but I cannot decide. I have to RSVP by Sunday if I want to go and I just can’t decide.

    1. Mananana*

      Why not go, with the knowledge that if you’re not enjoying yourself you can leave when you want to?

      And you’re right that your aunt could have made contact earlier. That said, since you don’t know what precipitated the falling out, it’s quite possible that your Aunt was told not to make contact with you when you were younger. Now, the party may not be the time to ask her why she hasn’t reached out in the past 3 years, but going may open up the door to that conversation at a later date. To refuse to go because you feel that she should have made a move sooner may be the proverbial “cutting off your nose to spite your face” situation.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        To refuse to go because you feel that she should have made a move sooner may be the proverbial “cutting off your nose to spite your face” situation.

        This. It almost seems like the worst case scenario would be that you have a lovely time and that just proves how awful the estrangement was?

        To Buddhist Viking’s point about large, close-knit families forgiving each other a lot–you can feel what you feel about how she should have reached out with different timing, etc. Feelings aren’t logical. But then move beyond the knee-jerk reaction of your gut and look at the logic of it–you want a closer knit family, a family member is tossing out a line to accomplish that, and you don’t want to grab hold. What does turning down her overture gain you, beyond preserving a picture of yourself as someone who wanted a close knit family and has been denied that? And thanks to her you can’t put the blame on other people’s inaction any more. I would listen to the friends pointing out that you could have reached out as an adult exactly as much as they could have reached out, but none of you did. Now one person has.

    2. The Buddhist Viking*

      Having a big, close family requires—almost by definition—doing a lot of forgiving. Large groups of relatives rarely manage to get along perfectly forever. People screw up. Feelings get hurt. Sometimes boundaries are crossed that make a future relationship impossible, but most of the time, relatives make up and go on.

      Your aunt screwed up. She seems to want to extend an olive branch. Maybe she crossed a boundary for you, and what she did was bad enough that a line must be drawn. But if not, you’ve just been shown the price tag of a big, close family. Up to you whether you want to pay it.

      1. fposte*

        I think this is a reasonable summation. Undecided, just as your reasons for not contacting your aunt make sense to you, her reasons for not contacting you made sense to her. I don’t think this is a situation where there’s a bad guy and a good guy, just people who made mistakes and drifted, and maybe want to stop drifting. You can pass on the event, pass on the event but ask to see her somewhere else, go to the thing and decide these aren’t people you ever want to see again, or go to the thing and stay in contact. All of those are legitimate. I just would avoid going if your motivation was about getting answers on past unhappiness rather than reconnecting.

    3. CBE*

      1. Do you WANT to go?
      2. Is reconnecting something you want more than holding on to hurts?
      3. Is there a possibility something happened you don’t know about/understand and getting the full story (or another perspective on it) might help you forgive?

      Ultimately, only you can answer the first, most important question. No one can advise you on that.

      If you truly *want* to rebuild, or even know/understand what happened to cause the rift in the first place, you should go.

      If you don’t, then do go.

      Both are valid options.

      1. AnonAtAllTimes*

        I’d go out of sheer curiosity. What has the OP got to lose? If she doesn’t like what’s going on at this get-together, or if she doesn’t like the people, she can leave. If she likes the company of these folks, she can stay and get to know them better. Later on, if a relationship develops, she can ask why no contact earlier if that’s still important to her. why not scratch that curiosity itch and find out what’s up?

    4. Go*

      Go, you sound like you’ll regret it if you don’t. You don’t make it sound like there’s any danger. And if they’re unpleasant, you’ll just end up having no contact, which is the situation right now. If, on the other hand, it goes well, you might get some closure and take a step towards being a closer family again.
      You also sound like you feel you’re owed an explanation for the no contact, but also that you don’t know what the falling out was over. So I’d suggest to stay calm rather than straight up accusing if you want to know why the radio silence, because it’s possible these people thought you intentionally shut them out too.

      1. Anonymosity*

        This, and if, as someone suggested earlier, your aunt was told not to contact you when you were younger, she may have been respecting a boundary in the interest of peace.

        I’d go. You can always leave if it’s too uncomfortable. And I’d go with the expectation that it may be a little awkward, but it’s probably awkward for them too. Not so much so that they didn’t want to invite you, which is a good thing.

    5. Artemesia*

      There is no way forward in holding grudges. In my experience, when I am in a butthurt snit like this, I usually discover that the other people involved are entirely oblivious and wouldn’t have a clue about what I was upset about. People are all pretty self involved and I doubt she has given you much thought. SO. would it make your life better to be a part of the extended family again? Maybe? It seems pretty low risk to go to a party to find out, but you have to be able to just dump the bad feelings and go with an open heart. But feeling offended by their failure to reach out is a non-starter for you — it won’t make things better.

    6. Temperance*

      Honestly, I would go! If you’re looking to get closer to that branch of the family, this is a great opportunity for it. I think it might have been a clumsy attempt by your aunt to get closer.

    7. bunniferous*

      Sounds like an olive branch to me. Why not go, see how things go….you can always decide to pull back later.

      Family dynamics are weird. There may be reasons they did not reach out earlier. They may have had fears themselves.

      Just go and keep it casual. Later on down the road casually bring up your questions, and you may get some answers that give you some peace.

    8. Cheshire Cat*

      If you have any interest in repairing the breach, go! As others have said, you don’t have to stay long if it’s too uncomfortable.

    9. boop the first*

      If I was in your exact situation, the fact that she physically went out to find you stands out just a bit. I would be wary if the invite was something more typical, like a mass text/facebook invite, or if another family member casually suggested it and aunt had no idea. Heading out on foot to hand deliver a message in the hopes she would run into you sounds somewhat genuine to me.

    10. Not So NewReader*

      Well you have more than one thing going on here.
      The first thing that jumped at me is people telling you how you SHOULD feel. Uh. Move away from these folks. Your feelings are your feelings. No one gets to tell us how we SHOULD feel. Please try to separate that from the actual question of going.

      Now. Just for you and not for “you and ten other people’s opinions of what you should feel”. So just for you, do you wanna go? Do you see any hope of a brighter tomorrow if you go? Do you want these people back in your life?

      Picture yourself ten years from now looking back on this time. Do you wish you had gone? OTH Are you proud of you for going even though things just did not go great? (Aiming for worst case scenario here.)

      Some folks in my family waited until my parents were dead to try to connect with me. I tried because I thought I will never know for certain unless I try. I ended up with a mixed bag. I got a couple relationships that were pure gold. I got a couple relationships where we had nothing in common. And I got a couple relationships that ended suddenly.

      I can live with failure better than I can live with uncertainty.

      Now this is clearly a personal decision and not a one size fits all answer. You know you. And you know what it takes to live with yourself and put things in a peaceful place- that is a customized answer and is probably different from my own customized answer for myself.

      Back to feelings. Feeling are not actions, they are just feelings. When we take those negative feelings and put them into action we can sometimes hurt others. But primarily we hurt ourselves and this fact sneaks up on us. We don’t realize how we have hurt ourselves until later. This is why I use the idea of pretending it’s ten years from now and looking back on my thinking regarding a matter.

    11. Kathenus*

      I had a family situation where my immediate family were estranged from someone else in the family and it was a very hurtful situation. My view, and that of those in my immediate family, was that it was this other person and their immediate family that cut off contact. It hurt my mom most of all for some specific reasons I won’t go in to here, and she died thinking this person cut her off intentionally.

      Twelve years later this person reaches out to me to reconnect. We traded a couple of emails and then a long phone call, which started at my request with a frank discussion of the situation. Turns out that there was a terrible combination of communication issues and random bad luck that caused each side to think the other had cut them off. I am now back in touch, my immediate family is slowly reconnecting. It’s still a bit like walking on eggshells at time because of the long separation, intense feelings that occurred during the separation, and the anger that I carried at my mom’s pain due to this.

      The moral for me, that might relate to your situation, is that you only know your perspective on this situation right now. You don’t know your aunt’s and her family’s – at least not all of the details. If you want the chance to have them in your lives, maybe have a frank discussion to get the issues in the open and resolved (or not). Maybe this happens in conjunction with this party, maybe it doesn’t and happens separately. If you choose to not be involved at all of course that’s valid too. But if you do want to give it a chance you may want to take the step of addressing the past head on to see how both sides feel when everyone has both perspectives. Otherwise the resentment could torpedo any chances of success.

      I empathize, and hope that whatever course you choose brings you peace.

    12. Loopy*

      So I had a somewhat similar situation with an estranged family member I had never met reaching out to me. I hadn’t bee around for whatever issues caused the separation and had only seen the aftermath.

      My approach was to give it a shot with conditions. If it did not feel healthy and enrich my life, I’d walk away knowing this person wasn’t a good addition to my life.

      I went in telling myself I could pull away if I felt I should / needed to. Ultimately, it turned into a healthy, happy relationship. But if it hadn’t I don’t *think* I would have regretted giving it a chance.

    13. ronda*

      if the part about being invited to a party is bothering you and you might like to see her or them in a different setting……. say sorry, I cant make that date, but I would like to set up … your alternate plan of what would be a better setting. Then take the lead on setting that up.

    14. LilySparrow*

      I think it makes perfect sense that all those things bother you and to want to know why. But you have to decide if you want to find out and reconnect, or just sit on that hurt indefinitely.

      The party may be awkward, but it’s a first step. Sure, they had a long time to reconnect, but as you are well aware, it can be hard to figure out what to say or how to overcome the awkwardness.

      This is an opportunity to reconnect in a positive atmosphere instead of a confrontational one. Then if you want to talk about the separation and find out why it happened, you’ll be coming from a good place instead of out of nowhere.

      It’s not about forgetting the breach. It’s about actively choosing to try and fix it.

      You said you used to be close, you do want family connections, and you want to find out what happened. If you go, you are one step closer to getting the things you want. If you don’t go, you are just as far away. Or actually, even farther, because you’ve made your isolation into an active choice instead of a passive circumstance.

      You have to choose something, why not choose to move forward?

    15. Yetanotherjennifer*

      The longer one waits to reconnect with someone, especially someone you feel you have wronged in some way, the easier it is to procrastinate. And the more you procrastinate the harder it gets to make that contact. I’ll bet that every time she drove by your school she thought about calling you. I’ll also bet she regrets not calling you the first time she thought about it and all the times after that. Now she’s broken the cycle with her invitation and I think you should go. Maybe you’ll learn why you haven’t heard from that side of the family, and maybe you won’t. It probably won’t feel like you’re picking up where you left off and it might be tiring and hard. But I think you’ll regret it if you don’t go. And if you don’t go, the next opportunity will likely have to be one you create. So going is the easier option. Plus, it’s the perfect opportunity: there will be lots of other people around so no opportunity for drama or intense conversations, and there will be food you can use as a diversion.

    16. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Look, you’re upset because they never contacted you, and you never contacted them. I get it, but no one is perfect. In that situation, unless SOMEONE contacts someone else, it just stays status quo. It’s a party. It’s nearby where you frequent. Go. If its not going well, leave. Pick a quiet moment and ask what happened. I promise, you’re overthinking this.

  16. Shay the Fae*

    I’m trying to clean my apartment to day and maybe do other productive things, but I’m just so upset and unfocused. :(

    1. Dopameanie*

      A Bad Thing happened. If there weren’t mental/emotional consequences from that you would have bigger issues than what you are facing now!

      It might help to set a timer and just WALLOW for a bit. Allow yourself to recognize the turmoil on the inside stead of pushing it away.

      Then when the timer goes off, do an easy chore that you can cross off the list.

      Repeat as necessary, and BE GENTLE with yourself!

      1. Artemesia*

        good advice. I have a terrible time motivating myself to do these tasks and following a bad situation it would be even worse. The only thing that works for me is to break it down into little tasks and do one and cross it off — very reinforcing. And when I am upset or sad, getting small meaningless things done really helps. I may be miserable, but that quarter inch of dust on the bookshelves is gone.

      2. Lemonworld*

        I *love* setting timers for my “bad” feelings. It’s my best trick for getting through a tough day. I often find that I’ll say “I’m going to set a timer and feel miserable for 2 minutes” and after less than a minute, I am out of misery.

    2. LilySparrow*

      I have found a lot of feel-good cleaning motivation that takes my mind off things by watching YouTube videos of cleaning/organizing channels or TV shows. Clutterbug.me has a fun quirky energy, and How Clean Is Your House makes me feel better by comparison (and they are silly). You get some mindless tv plus a boost to accomplish something.

      Hope you are feeling better soon!

    3. Thursday Next*

      I like watching light shows that I’ve seen multiple times, and cleaning while the shows are on in the background. It’s kind of “stealth cleaning.” I find having some familiar and beloved on is comforting.

  17. Ms. Gullible*

    I have what should be my final mediation session next week. (Ex and I have to do them separately.) We cannot agree on physical custody. I’m going to be spending the weekend organizing my documentation for my lawyer as I am almost positive we are headed for court. I’m petrified of what is going to happen.

    I filed for sole custody at the temporary hearing. The judge was going to grant it to me but my ex only got a lawyer right before the hearing and asked for a continuance. Judge granted and at the continuance, changed her decision only because we both had conflicting affidavits. Judge ordered a temporary joint custody arrangement with several stipulations and ordered mediation for final custody order.

    I want to believe the legal system has the best interests of my children at hand but even my ex’s parents state they have already made a mistake granting joint thus far. I’m fighting this uphill battle and no matter how many people I have fighting for my kids sake, I’m afraid he’s going to get what he wants only to hurt me and not benefit our kids.

    1. neverjaunty*

      Don’t worry that the judge is against you – based on what you’ve described, she is just dealing with conflicting evidence and wants to see if mediation will resolve things.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yep. Judges can see right through bs when there is bs. Sometimes they have to take the long road so that they can drop the hammer for once and for all. This takes extra steps to get to a permanent resolve and, of course, more time. But once you have it then it’s yours.

    2. Belle di Vedremo*

      I’m sorry things are playing out this way. Might your ex’s parents contact your attorney and offer to make a statement on your behalf, through your attorney or directly to the judge?

      And if it doesn’t go the way you hope, talk with your attorney about what to track, and how to reopen the question in the future.

      Internet hugs if you’d like them.

  18. The Other Dawn*

    Any advice on how to go about overhauling my flower garden? I realize I can Google this, but I’d like to hear from someone whose done it before and/or is a gardener at heart.

    I mentioned on the July 4th thread that I’ve decided I need to till it up and start mostly from scratch. I’m not sure if I’ll try and tackle it myself or have someone come in and do it. It will likely be split, since some of it won’t be too demanding (digging up some perennials I want to keep), while some of it is just too much for me to handle (the three merged hedges with all the vines growing in). I’m thinking I won’t need to empty it 100% since a portion of it is mostly weed-free and low maintenance.

    The perennials I’d like to save are: rose champions, lemon thyme, a few tulips that came from my dad’s funeral, some salvia, phlox and a couple other small plants that I had bought last year. I don’t think I’ll need to dig up the lemon thyme, because it’s in the area that is virtually weed-free and it’s on a corner. It’s also quite large (probably 6 feet x 4 feet) and I’m not sure how I’d keep that alive during the process. The phlox isn’t very large, but will need to be removed since it’s in the problem area.

    Within the problem area are some vines that keep regrowing; a tree of heaven that keeps regrowing (it’s about two feet tall right now); a couple random bushes that keep coming back even though we cut them to the ground last year (should have dug them up); lots of grass and other random weeds; and tons of poppies, tulips and some daffodils, which will likely have to be sacrificed. They’re gorgeous when they bloom, but they’re out of control with no rhyme or reason as to where they were planted (previous owner). Plus I hate how the remaining foliage looks when the blooms die, and having to remove it all so the summer perennials can breathe and be seen.

    Garden size overall, not including the merged hedges, is about 12 x 12 roughly. I’m just eyeballing it and it’s not as large as my family room, but bigger than my den.

    The end result I’m looking for is something that is easy to maintain, meaning that I don’t have to spend hours/days weeding like I do now. I want to do minimal weeding, maybe spray some weed killer each year and throw down some new mulch. And then…enjoy it!

    Questions:
    1. What time of year should I do this overhaul? I’m in zone 6B (central CT) and the garden is in full sun from early morning until sunset.
    2. How should I go about the process? We have a tiller and the usual garden tools. I assume I would dig up whatever I want to keep and then…?
    3. The different areas are divided by rocks, so I would guess I should remove them so I can get it all.
    4. Can I put the “to be saved” plants in pots for a length of time? I don’t envision being able to complete this in one weekend with the condition of my back. I see it happening over several weeks.
    5. Can I dig up the tulip, poppy and daffodil bulbs and replant a few of them? I would think so, but want to check.
    6. How should I prepare the ground and reassemble when ready to replant?

    1. Dopameanie*

      Questions:
      How ugly are you comfortable with the work in progress being?
      What is an acceptable time frame?
      What is your opinion on chemicals?
      What type of look are you going for?
      What % of your garden are you cool with re-imagining every year? (Annual to perennial ratio, rocks, decoration etc)

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Hmmm. Good questions.

        I don’t care how ugly it is because it’s in the backyard.
        Several weeks to a month probably. I can be a slacker, so that seems doable for me.
        I don’t mind using them. I do have well water, though, so I’m guessing I can’t go overboard with them.
        Look…not sure. Cleaned up, not overly crowded. I like the wild, country look. Not overly manicured.
        I’d prefer to do all perennials, just because it’s easier. There are a couple very small spots, maybe 2 x 3, where I could throw some annuals, but not necessary. There are rocks for the borders, and there are several borders. There are also some bigger rock interspersed among the plants, but not many. Less than 10.

        1. Dopameanie*

          If you want to (literally) scorch the earth, you can get out whatever you want to live, then put down several layers of thick black plastic. Leave it there for, like, a year. Everything-including earthworms and beneficial bacteria- will be scorched dead. Then put down weed control blanket and start all the way over.
          Pros: cheap, gives you time to plan, easy.
          Cons: bad for your dirt health, suuuper ugly, takes a long time.

          1. Alice*

            I heard on my favorite gardening podcast (You Bet Your Garden from WHYY) that the soil microbiome a few months after you finishing solarizing a bad is more diverse than before. If that’s true, then one of the cons might actually be a pro. No idea if it’s accurate info though.

        2. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

          We did lasagna gardening for a while. You put down a layer of wet newspaper or cardboard then build up. Layer peat moss and grass clippings and compost and straw, what ever you have, more brown stuff than green stuff. Plant right in it. The paper kills the weeds and grass underneath.

          The problem is getting enough material, especially for a large garden. If you are willing to buy a lot of stuff, it’s easier.

          The book we got it from is Lasagne Gardening by Patricia Lanza. I’d recommend you get an interesting looking gardening book or two from the library anyway.

    2. fposte*

      Speaking as a fellow gardener, I think this plan sounds like a ton of work and has a high risk of recreating the same problems all over again next year. There really is no “scratch” with a living ecosystem. A lot of what you’re dealing with will be annual weeds that are all over your locality and will come back next year, as will grass, and deep-rooted things (an established tree of heaven can go pretty deep) may laugh at the tiller.

      Here are some alternative possibilities:
      talk to a couple of different landscapers (garden centers often have associated ones), being candid about what you want and don’t want in terms of maintenance, and get estimates; often they’re willing to do different levels of price depending on different levels of your work and different degrees of change. That doesn’t mean you have to hire one, but it will help give you a better mental framework for what might be done. One thing worth considering is whether you want all of this to be garden bed; hardscaping, or even just using stones on top of landscape fabric as mulch around small shrubs or trees, could be attractive while minimizing labor, and containers/raised beds may be a better fit for people with bad backs than ground level beds.

      Consider this year a loss. The best time to deal with weeds is before they come out, and they’re out now. If you wait until next spring you could put down landscape fabric over the area and pile it up with mulch.
      Tree weeds could be attacked in the meantime–one thing you can do is cut them down and paint the stump with Roundup.

      That approach will suppress most of the existing weeds, but you will still get plenty of grass and seeding from annual weeds in the area, because that’s what they do. That’s why I’m suggesting you consider not leaving the whole thing a bed–even if the weeding isn’t as bad, it will always need to happen.

      On stuff to salvage: you can dig up and transplant tulips and daffodils. Sounds like really you only want to do that with the ones from your dad’s funeral, though, and that would save you some work; you also can always get daffs and tulips again if you change your mind and want them later. (Be aware that most kinds of tulip, especially florist tulips, only last a few years anyway. Plant them very deep to enhance their longevity.) Poppies aren’t bulbs, and they do not transplant well. Rose campion transplants easily (it’s a hair away from a weed with its cheerful self-seeding). Salvia and phlox could transplant okay but are also not tough to replace if something goes wrong. What I’d probably do is plan for another location for these over the winter (keep in mind that containers are about two zones colder than your actual zone, so only the hardier plants could make in containers) and move them this fall, leaving the work field clear for next spring.

      1. fposte*

        Oh, I just thought of another possibility. Start next year as I said, but focus on annuals rather than perennials; you can till the whole thing under once or twice a summer and plant new batches.

        And yet another: focus on plants that grow dense enough to limit weed opportunities. Something like Vinca minor will, especially if planted fairly densely to begin with, choke off a lot of weed growth (though IME grass will still get through), and tougher plants like daylilies can be planted in there for higher bloom.

        1. Natalie*

          If you have creeping charlie as well, vinca minor seems to be no match for that. :(

          1. fposte*

            I’m not sure napalm is a match for creeping charlie. But there’s no desirable undercover that’s going to completely squash the weeds; the closest is grass, which cheerfully expands into neighboring beds.

      2. The Other Dawn*

        I think digging up and potting the few things I want to keep, and then starting early next spring sounds like the best plan. That will give me time to actually plan, rather than just making something up on the fly. I also do want to get someone in to give me estimates, since I may have them do the work in the spring. I alternate between wanting to totally demolish it and completely change the landscape, so to speak, and just attacking the problems areas. I mentioned in reply to NSNR’s post that it’s not that any of this is sentimental, it’s the fact that I’ve spent a few years busting my butt to try and maintain what was there when I moved in. Feels like lost time, money and energy if I scrap the whole thing. But it’s just dirt.

        1. fposte*

          I’m definitely trying to steer you away from making my mistakes here :-). Dopameanie asked some good questions upthread and I’d add a few for you to think about as you plan: how much time are you willing to spend on maintenance, like, per week, per month, per year? Are there kinds of maintenance that are particularly bothersome to you? (Like, watering vs. pruning vs. weeding vs. thinning.) What time of year are you likeliest to enjoy the area, and will you also enjoy it when looking out of the windows in other seasons? It sounds like you like a more cottagey style; is that correct? That can actually be more challenging than a more classically landscaped style because it’s harder to do things like mechanical weed suppression–is that okay with you? (I think there’s an inverse maintenance rule–the more work done on the space initially, the less you need later, and vice versa.) I’m not asking for answers here, just suggesting that those might help guide you in planning the space for longer satisfaction.

          And your work wasn’t wasted–you learned a lot from it. Including the fact that nothing in gardening is forever, but some things will last long enough to give you joy.

        2. Jen Erik*

          That’s exactly where I was with the border. We took the garden over when my dad died, and he was a horticulturalist, so it was a thing of real beauty & interest in his time. And even though I’ve known it needed a job done, I kept trying to preserve & maintain it.
          But in the end, for me, the weeds were too intractable & I don’t have his level of skill or knowledge, and the future cost of time, money and energy is less if I aim for planting that I can cope with. (Mini meadows everywhere!)

          I like the idea of the tree. Weeping willows are lovely, but their roots can be problematic if they are near the house. If you chose something deciduous you could underplant with spring bulbs, so you’d still have a display of flowers.

          1. The Other Dawn*

            Good point about a tree and it’s roots. I estimate it would be about 50 feet from the back of the house. Weeping willows can be huge, so I’ll have to ask someone about that. From what I remember (maybe from school?), a tree’s roots stretch out as far as their canopy; however, I’m not sure that’s true. A weeping willow would go perfectly in my country-like setting. And it would hide that new house behind us.

            1. Not So NewReader*

              Don’t know if you will see this but here goes.

              Most trees will send out roots to match their above ground growth. Sometimes roots go out farther. ( I worked in a nursery for almost a decade, we had to know stuff like this.)
              Willows need a pond or an underground stream to feed the roots. They are heavy drinkers. If they don’t have a lot of water they will die.

              On the good news side if you have a friend with a willow tree maybe they will give you a branch. Bring it home, stick it in a damp muddy place that will be its home and you’re done. The willow branches develop roots very quickly and they grow fast. I have one here that I started 15 years ago and it is up beyond the roof of my 1.5 story house. It’s probably 8-10 inches in diameter at the base. I started it from a measly STICK.
              I keep mine with bobbed “hair cuts” so I can mow under them and so air circulates.

              People who have them near ponds complain that the water tastes/smells funny. I guess that won’t matter if the person does not use the pond for anything. My soil here is soggy with many underground streams. I don’t smell anything. And I will never drink THAT water.

              Definitely keep any trees out from the house and away from pipe work such as sewer/septic and water. Also, look up. You want to watch for power/cable/phone lines, not a problem now but when it grows it could be. I think you have a decent sized lot with a few options. so thinking about this stuff will only be beneficial in the future.

              I hear your discouragement with so much time and money. Yep, that is right. This is how it goes with landscaping. We used to advise people not to spend more than 5% of the value of their property on landscaping. The return on investment is not there. I am sure there is an updated version to that rule of thumb. I always thought just buying shoves. rakes and hoses, etc chews up most of that for me. When you go for the redo, think about what would be easiest to maintain. If you can maintain it, you’ll probably get more enjoyment.

    3. Jen Erik*

      I’d vote for the having someone in to do it. (I’m in the UK, so things might be different, but I’m thinking someone with a mini digger could take up the hedges and tree roots quickly, and will also take the stuff away afterwards. I don’t know about vines.)

      I think you can do this sort of stuff anytime – the rule is you try to move plants March or October (in the UK) – early spring or late Autumn – but for a major renovation I don’t think it matters. For myself, I wouldn’t bother trying to save anything that isn’t sentimental or expensive to replace – we’re doing a major blitz on the herbaceous border this year (bindweed: it’s a curse) and I’ve just resigned myself to losing anything that can be easily replaced.
      Things like the phlox and the poppies can be grown from seed – and daffodil bulbs aren’t that expensive, though you could try lifting them. You can lift the tulip bulbs, but they won’t last for ever; I was surprised to learn that a lot of the big displays treat tulips as annuals – they just buy fresh every year.

      Just for comparison, I’m thinking of the herbaceous border as a two year project – we lifted stuff in Spring, dug through it over the last couple of months, have covered it with black plastic to coax the remaining bindweed roots to the surface, and then, depending how the coaxing goes, will replant either next Spring or next Autumn. If you have perennial weeds, it’ll take time to clear them properly.

      How you prepare the ground depends a bit what kind of soil you have, and what you’re hoping to grow. Typically the suggestion for people with bad backs is to raise the planting – so you could have gravel or paving (really low maintenance) with either raised beds or pots. Equally, we’ve a couple of spaces in the garden that we’ve turned into mini wildflower meadows which would work in a garden with full sun (very much a wild country look – also good for bees and butterflies, and very low maintenance. ) You usually want poor soil for that, but I think you can buy mixes designed for better soil types. But you would need to have all the perennial weeds out first.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I love the idea of mini wildflower meadows. My house was built in 1735 and that kind of thing would look very natural in my yard. I have a package of that seed mix that contains all sort of annual and perennial wildflowers. I could toss that in there after we dig it up.

        I wouldn’t say there’s anything sentimental in the garden except for the tulip bulbs that came from my dad’s funeral, but I know exactly where those are and they’re not in the area I need to overhaul. The reason I want to save some plants is mainly because they’re established and were here when we moved in, which means I wouldn’t have to spend a lot on buying a large enough plant to fill in the garden, and wouldn’t have to start with tiny plants because that’s what I can afford. Basically it’s just to save some money and keep things that look nice.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      I’d recommend doing a planting of one or two varieties of plants and that is it.
      So maybe a row of Xs across the back and a row of Ys across the front.
      It’s much easier to maintain rather than having a mixed group of all kinds of things. However you can do variations on this. Xs across the back, with clusters of A, B and Cs across the front. There’s other variations, the over all idea is large clusters of the same plant. It’s easier to keep it neat.

      Your bulb flowers are probably coming up everywhere because squirrels dig them up and replant them for us. Actually I think they forget where they left them. I have tulips in the oddest places. I mow tulips regularly because of this.

      If it were me, I would wait until fall for this. Full sun, all day, no way. Wait until it cools down first. Salvage your tulip and daffs now because you will not be able to find them in the fall. You can move them to a temporary area if need be . The poppies will reseed themselves. Maybe you can save some seed pods to carry them over to their new setting.

      A 12 x 12 bed of flowers is a lot of work. You may want to consider downsizing the bed and returning it to lawn where possible.

      My back is aching just thinking about doing this.
      If I wanted to do it in one weekend, I would bring in help. Pay people to get it to the point where I can put plants in and throw down mulch.
      If I wanted to do it myself over a period of weekends, I would divide it into sections. Let’s say I decide on four weekends. This would be a 3 x 12 area per weekend, roughly. I would clean it out, replant it and mulch it. Next weekend do the next 3 x 12 area and so on.
      It’s helpful to draw a little picture before you start. Having to dig AND figure out what to do wears thin really fast.
      Tilling is not going to remove vine roots. From what I see here NOTHING removes vine roots. I have grape vine and bittersweet that lays dormant for decades and pops right up if I am late mowing. Hopefully the vines are off to the side somehow? You may want to invest in a stirrup hoe:
      http://www.acehardware.com/product/index.jsp?productId=1334167
      It’s good at quickly weeding large areas on a regular basis. You never quite conquer the weeds though, you still have to weed regularly. At least it goes fast.

      Even if you hand dig, I am not convinced vines and such would not come back. Hand digging allows you to sort out roots but man-oh-man that is tedious. I don’t think the results are that great.

      Back to prepping, I would till it, throw down some composted manure, till that in and then rake it smooth. Plants and mulch OR landscape fabric, plants, mulch, next. Keep it well watered. I’d use sprinklers rather than a handheld hose. Depending on the weather I used to set a timer in my kitchen for a period of time and run out to move the sprinkler after a set period of time. I have a small lot so this is not a lot of effort.

      Rocks.I think I remember the pictures and the rocks were pretty big? If yes, then I would go around them rather than move them. You can just make sure that you get up close and weed by hand right around them.

      Holding plants for replanting. If you know you will replant it the next weekend I have had good luck with putting plants in buckets of water in the shade. They can hold their own for 6-7 days. If it’s going to be longer than that, yep, pot them up or put them in the ground some where else, temporarily. Preferably near a water source so you don’t keel over lugging water to them every other day.

      I hope this helps some.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        My thought is definitely to do this over a longer period, so I would pot the plants I want to save. Although I’d love to just throw money at this and have someone come in and do it all, it’s not a smart budget move for me at the moment. Plus I’m guessing it would cost more now than to wait until very early spring when things haven’t bloomed yet.

        Rocks. No, I wouldn’t move the ones that are in the middle since they’re half-buried. I’d likely move the borders, though, as those are small.

        So much to think about. Part of me wants to level the whole thing and just completely start from scratch, as though it was never there. But another part wants to preserve some of it. UGH. I guess I feel like I spent four years trying to maintain this thing and by scrapping the whole thing, it was a waste of time, money and energy. Guess I should get over it!

      2. charlatan*

        I’m a struggling new gardener and a stirrup hoe is exactly what I need but until now I didn’t know it existed. I’ve just spent 10 minutes on Youtube being mesmerized by weeding demonstrations. Thank you!

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Yeah, it kind of a shortcut way of doing things. You cut the roots but leave some behind. However, this can be quite workable in some situations. I used a friend’s then I knew I had to have one.

    5. Kathenus*

      I’ll preface this by saying I’m not a plant person and can kill almost any plant. That said, I have an incredibly beautiful and easy to care for pollinator-friendly garden in my backyard. I tilled just with a metal rake, bought a combination of native prairie grasses/pollinator friendly plants-flowers/milkweed (for monarch butterflies), mixed the seeds altogether and just put them all out there in the winter (some need a hard freeze after planting to sprout correctly). It grows up three to six feet high with a wonderful array of plants and flowers every year. Probably a lot of weeds too, but I don’t really care. The only thing I do is to cut it all back late winter, remove the deadfall, and then wait a couple of months until it all starts growing again. It’s great for wildlife, easy to maintain, and beautiful. Native plants are needed, so it’s also helpful to the environment.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I’m a reformed plant killer. After four years of being in this house, I’ve finally trusted myself to have two raised bed veggie gardens and they’re growing!

        That sounds beautiful! I have a ton of milkweed and I’m actually looking to get rid of it because it’s everywhere.

    6. OyVey*

      Specifically regarding your tree of paradise – they are an absolute pain in the a** to get rid of. The state I live in considers them a nucience species. Originally planted because they do grow fast and they do stabilize disturbed slopes and areas prone to erosion, however, they also crowd out native species and are water hogs (a serious concern where I live). Anyway, contact a landscaping company and find out what herbicide could be sprayed on the tree of paradise after it’s cut again. Asplund just cut a stand of them out of the alley behind our house and sprayed something blue on the stumps. The crew chief said it’s an herbicide designed for tough nucience trees/bushes. Normally, these things start regrowing within days of getting cut down but the stand that got treated is finally drying out and going away.

      Which reminds me I need to seed bomb that slope with native grasses so we don’t get other nuciences growing instead.

    7. LilySparrow*

      Ohmigosh, do not, ever, under any circumstances, use a tiller where you have perennial weedy vines or bulbs! There is no way you will get all the root out before you till, and you will wind up with 100 new shoots for every 1 you had before.

      Get out what you want to keep and smother, smother, smother. Can you afford to lay a layer of bagged soil or have new topsoil brought in? If solarizing the soil with plastic sheeting isn’t good for you, you could try killing the stumps with Roundup or burning them out with a propane torch, then put down several layers of weed barrier and lay 6-12 inches of fresh soil, and then mulch. Of course, you’d have to use commercial or know where it came from to avoid introducing new weeds.

      That could be prohibitively expensive and there are other good suggestions on here. But whatever you do, don’t try to solve a weed problem with a tiller.

      I once spent weeks trying to hand-dig and pull some wild violets out of a bed. I didn’t realize I was just propagating the rhizomes. The next spring I got a carpet of ten thousand of them and have renamed it my “native perennial flowering groundcover.” Ack.

    8. Lizabeth*

      Check out the local garden club asap…they will be familiar with what works in your area plus have advice.

      1. LilySparrow*

        Yes! Or your local cooperative extension office – they usually have a lot of lawn & garden resources on their website.

    9. The Other Dawn*

      Another option, which my husband brought it while we were doing some yardwork today, is to demolish it and plant a big tree. It would be nice to get some shade and block the newly built house behind us, and we have plenty of room for something like a weeping willow. We could make a new garden on the side lawn which is empty, full sun and quite large.

      1. fposte*

        Your agricultural extension service might be really helpful here–usually they’re associated with the county or the state university–in providing information about what trees are recommended and what trees aren’t. I may be misunderstanding how the space works, but 12×12 is too small for a weeping willow–it needs 40-50 feet, and it needs not to be near any underground utilities. If you like the weeping form, though, there are beautiful small trees that will fit in a 12×12 space, like a cherry or a mulberry (I think you can also find weeping dogwoods and redbuds but they might need more specialty acquisition). While you can also find some beautiful weeping Japanese maples, they generally don’t like full sun and will likely burn. Mine’s under high dappled shade and the leaves still get a little toasty some years.

        1. The Other Dawn*

          12 x 12 is just the garden itself. It’s only a small section in my backyard, which is pretty big. I would say the garden is within a space that’s about 1/4 of an acre (flat, open land), and that doesn’t include the rest of the backyard, which is much bigger. I do have room for a weeping willow in theory, but once I started reading about them, it’s not a good option for us because of a septic tank (no longer in use) nearby and some other obstacles I didn’t think about.

          With several options offered here, I’m still undecided. I think I should just pot/relocate some plants this year, save a few bulbs or relocate them, get someone out for an estimate and talk it through, and then wait until next year.

    10. Extra Vitamins*

      Do NOT till the tree of paradise. You will end up with a whole grove of them. In fact with a mature one, you will get bunches of shoots up from the roots if you cut it down. I recommend cutting slashes in the bark and then painting herbicide into the cuts. Maybe use copper sulfate.

      Meanwhile, the bulbs you mentioned are easy – once the leaves dry or turn yellow after blooming, dig them up, and store them somewhere dry and dark until you can replant. If the bulbs are about the size of one you see in the store, they should come back in the spring. For tulips, if you find a cluster of little bulbs instead of one big one, they won’t bloom again.

      1. OyVey*

        I have an epic story about ridding my backyard of trees of paradise that eventually ended with 50 lb roots and a five foot deep hole. I commented above about how those trees are water hogs; the root that took two people to move when we broke it out now weighs 10 lbs on a bad day, after 3 years of sitting out in all weathers (and our sub 20% relative humidity for 3 or 4 months out of the year).

    11. Belle di Vedremo*

      I’d go for a range of suggestions and resources. Your state extension office likely has local programs, eg “Master Gardeners” and staff as resources. You’ve got a botanical society there, and I’d check them out and look for native plant folks for your area. I’d spend this summer looking for input and suggestions, and be getting ready to retrieve what you want to save at the end of the season and prep to target things you’d like removed while they’re more dormant.

      I’d also get quotes on removing the no longer in use septic tank out, so that you have more options there.

  19. The Buddhist Viking*

    How do you help an adult with poor self-esteem? At what point can you say to a person who has genuinely suffered many losses, “you’ve gone from grief to self-pity”? This person has lost a career and a marriage, but has work that, if not lucrative, is enjoyable and flexible. Also has a new relationship with someone, who as far as I can see is a far better partner than the ex ever was. This person is attractive, warm, gregarious, bright, and only in their 40s, so there’s time to start new things. But there’s so much mourning for what was lost, what could’ve been. So much self-punishment for not seeing what was going wrong. So much self-doubt and despair about the future.

    My gut instinct is that this isn’t clinical depression. But I am at a loss as a friend to figure out how to help, or even what they can do for self-help. Can self-image be changed at this point in life?

    1. Photographer*

      Sure it can. If you have the rational equity, I think you can gently point out the self-pity. Perhaps you can share your own experience of finding gratitude for the things you DO have, and encourage them in doing so.

    2. matcha123*

      I feel like your friend, minus the marriage/divorce, partner and good job.
      Look, it’s hard to feel good about yourself if you’ve always been made to feel bad about yourself. I think that a friend can help, not by constantly pointing out how good they have it, but by engaging in conversation with the person and treating fairly. The person themselves has to take a step back and do some inward searching.
      At 34, I’ve felt like my life is over and I’ll never find a good job or a boyfriend or anything. Barring any unfortunate circumstances, I have at least 30 more years of life to live and 30 more years to get back on my feet. And I remind myself that my life is someone else’s dream and I want to make the most of it.

    3. CBE*

      Yep, it can. But you can’t change it. She can, if she wants to.
      Therapy can help, if she expresses a desire for change, urge her that way.
      In the meantime, please stop judging her grief as self pity. That’s not helpful to her, and grief is a very personal process that never really ends. I’d be SUPER pissed if a wave of grief returned (as happened to me yesterday over the death of a family member nearly 20 years ago) and someone told me my grief was not grief but instead “self-pity”
      So there isn’t a point at which you can tell someone that.

      1. Artemesia*

        Always a delicate thing. But I have been helped by a dear friend who has occasionally pointed out a self destructive pattern in my wallowing or something I was doing socially that was damaging to my relationships. Sometimes it isn’t some big thing, but something that paying attention can change. If I saw someone making their current life miserable by wallowing in past grievances or sorrows, I might focus on that fact with them if I had a very good relationship and knew when to shut up. Snapping someone out of a negative cycle can happen but has to be done with delicate touch.

        1. Fiennes*

          Yes, exactly. A good friend *can* wake you up to a destructive thought pattern; self-pity qualifies, and I speak from experience when I say it can be incredibly damaging even when the causes are valid. But this is a thing to be said gently and carefully if at all.

    4. fposte*

      I think this comes under the “You can say it once” rule. “I think you’re so focused on what you’ve lost that you’re missing out on the rich life you actually have, and I hope you’ll consider seeing a professional about it if you’re not already. And I don’t think I’m helping you or our friendship by encouraging you to go down that conversational path anymore, so I’m going to redirect you in future.” And when Friend says “Yeah, job’s fine, but it’s not like when I was with Queen Victoria at the palace” you can say “Well, you know what I think about that. So are you going to the Fourth of July cleanup?”

    5. KayEss*

      I think one thing you can do is stop the spiral of self-denigration in the moment before it takes over your time together. When the conversation starts to turn toward them beating themself up, gently put a stop to it with something like, “Hey, I wouldn’t sit and listen to someone else say that sort of unkind thing about you, and I don’t want to sit and listen just because it’s you saying them. How about [subject change]?” and then redirect any subsequent turns with a shorter version, like “That’s not a very nice thing to say about yourself! Anyway, [subject change].”

      Alternately, make the shame/pity cycle conversation BORING for them, at least with you. When it starts up, respond maybe once or twice with “Yeah, that’s sucky. What do you think you’ll do about it?” and then drop to “Huh. So how’s [subject change]?” if it persists.

      You can’t make them get help, but you can try to make your interactions with them less about their wallowing.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Suggest grief counseling.
      Alternatively, sometimes when people cannot let go of past pain it is because something in current time is causing new but similar pain.
      OTH, sometimes people cannot move through grief because they do not perceive themselves as moving toward something new.
      And people do experience a loss of power/autonomy in time of multiple losses.
      Why not start with,”Friend, you don’t seem like yourself. Is there something that you would like to change/beef up in life?”

    7. Lissa*

      One thing I’ve come to see more as I get older, talk to more people etc. is that especially by our 40s nearly everybody has suffered a genuine loss, something that could be focused on and grieved. Very often, the actual magnitude of the loss seems to not really relate to how the person deals with it. If your friend is self-punishing over a divorce and loss of a career, things that while sad are within the normal range of bad things to happen to adults, it would be something else. The losses are a focus, but the self-image goes deeper than that, I would say.

      Of course it’s wrong to say someone “should” be happy because they have a pretty objectively good life. But if they aren’t, being able to look past tangible things can be really helpful. Which is in no way your responsibility as a friend, and I’m thinking that therapy is in order here to figure out the root of it.

  20. NeverNicky*

    I’m quite charmed by all the #ItsComingHome memes/videos and #GarethSouthgateWould tweets but the whole football hype in England is bonkers. It will all end in tears…

    Mr Never is watching the match but I’m hiding upstairs with my book!

    1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      On the other side of this as Sweden fans. Other Half is trying to be stoic and all “I dont really care” but you know he does :P I may leave the room because I can’t stand the tension.

      If England win itll get ugly and if they lose itll get ugly so we decided to stay at home to watch the game. Just glad its not an evening game. I can’t imagine what the police services are facing in London today as it is also Pride…

      1. So loud outside*

        I live in the middle of London, practically next to the parade route. It’s pretty insane out there. Between the noise and the heat I doubt I’d get much sleep tonight.

        1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

          Well, they won and I can hear the cheering over at the pub about a quarter mile away. Let’s hope people burn themselves out by 11 or so. Good luck!

          Cannot WAIT for this heat to break – Monday night it starts to cool off and it will be 10F cooler for Tuesday and then break for good week after. One cat won’t stop meowing at me as if I can fix this for her and the other one seems to have just gone real quiet and flattened himself against the floor. I feel so bad for them, but other than feed more wet food (with added water), and put more water around the house, and fans, not sure what else to do.

          1. London Calling*

            You and me both about this weather. Half past five pm and I’m sitting here in a long cotton nightie and nothing else, with the floor fan going and sitting right in front of it.

            1. So loud outside*

              I feel a bit silly complaining about the heat since I’m from Australia and our heatwaves are way worse than this. But then again back in Oz I’ve never lived anywhere that didn’t have air conditioning so…argh.

              (I only have a tiny desk fan since my flat is tiny. It’s not exactly great but hot days are so few and far between it’s just not worth getting anything more powerful).

              1. London Calling*

                British buildings are not build for keeping heat out but keeping heat in. My brother lives in Brisbane and 30 degrees for him is a nice spring day.

            2. London Calling*

              Just watching a programme about Svalbard in winter. Wind, snow and freezing temps. Could do with a drop of that right now.

          2. So loud outside*

            Going by your username, you don’t happen to be German do you?
            I think the English almost as happy when the Germans were eliminated as they are right now.
            For some reason I just can’t seem to get behind the England team. Nothing against the team itself (and all the fans I know in real life/follow on Twitter are absolutely lovely) but the comments in the media/online are just so…obnoxious and arrogant.

            1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

              American of German extraction, but its really more a Die Hard reference :P

              I usually cheer for Germany though once Sweden/US are knocked out, but that was kinda tough this time around. Especially when they beat Sweden at the last minute with an insane goal.

              I like Southgate as a manager and that he is keeping the team focused and there are no primadonnas (yet) on the team, but its also a strangely dull collection of players too. I remember watching England in 96/96/00/02/04 and how much more fun it was to watch that golden generation. This team actually isn’t that good, and the hyperbole is starting to take off – you cant get away from it at work or the news or wherever.

              Also, mixed in with the whole Brexit mess. I just can’t. If they go all the way then the nationalist overtones are going to go into overdrive and I think that will be a very bad place to be for a rational conversation about major EU negotiations going into March next year.

              1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

                See, that’s why I have been making a point to be a little bit interested. Of course your view is also valid, but I heard this really obnoxious snobby woman sneer at the football and how of course, only those (northern) brexit-supporting hooligans like it. I’m 100% remain but I don’t want to give snobs like that the satisfaction of being right, and I live in the north, so I went to the pub for the second half yesterday.

                Also helps that I was out shopping at half time, and the store made an annoucement that the score was Sweden 0 – England 1 and everyone in the shop cheered, so I thought that it would be fun to be with some more enthusiastic fans for a bit. I did go to the pub attached to the artsy movie theatre, though, so the crowd was a bit more, uh, refined than if I’d gone to the sports bar!

  21. Menstrual Cups!*

    So I just got a menstrual cup. I’ve been a pad user my entire life (now in 30s), but I’ve got some planned water sports coming up and I’ve also been having erratic period cycles while I adjust to some new medication. Not wanting to be left out of swimming and paddle boarding should shark week strike, I got a Lena Cup, small size.

    I like that it had zero leakage. I dislike that I’m aware of its presence. It feels like there’s pressure that I can feel. That thing is also a bitch to get out. I had to squat and bear down and found it really hard to reach and get a grip to pinch it and release the seal. Took me like 20-30 mins to get it out. How could I ever get it out in a public restroom if needed?

    Do I just need to give it more time? Should I try ordering one that is softer, or are they all kind of the same? I really want it to work out, but I need it to be more comfortable and easier to remove.

    1. Fiennes*

      I was SO PSYCHED when I got my menstrual cup, and then…I’m sorry, but are they ridiculously huge, or am I some tiny doll person? I got the smaller size and everything! I followed the folding instructions. And there was no damn way that thing was going in there without more discomfort than it could possibly be worth. After several sessions of grappling, zero success, I abandoned the experiment.

      Anyone got nice things to say about Thinx?

      1. Melody Pond*

        Of course I don’t know your specific anatomy – but with the exception of certain medical conditions (such as vaginismus for example), a typical, healthy vagina should be able to accommodate a menstrual cup comfortably. Vaginas are built to stretch – most of them are able to deliver babies, after all! Statistically, I would venture a guess/speculation that two standard deviations away from the population mean, in either direction, should be physically able to handle menstrual cups.

        Now of course that doesn’t mean you are obligated to continue trying to make it work if you don’t want to – I just wanted to encourage you that there’s a strong likelihood that 1) the right cup, 2) some different techniques, and 3) some advice/help from more experienced cup users, could mean that cups could work for you, after all. If you decide you want to give them another try. :)

        Also – THINX are great, but I actually have found that I prefer reusable cloth pads to THINX. I find them a little more comfortable and easier to deal with.

        1. Definitely Anon For This!*

          My normal healthy vagina sometimes can’t accommodate even the smallest tampons. I definitely don’t have any medical issues and I generally have no trouble accommodating, um, much larger things when I’m sufficiently aroused/relaxed (it’s a challenge if I’m not though). I guess my “resting vagina” is just small! My doctor said it’s not that unusual but people just don’t talk about vaginas that much so nobody knows that other people have the same experience. So based on that I can totally believe that there are people who can’t comfortable use menstrual cups.

      2. Hannah*

        Did you try out different folds? When I first started using one, the basic fold did NOT work at all. It was like trying to fit a turkey inside a chicken. But other folds can be much narrower.

        1. Roja*

          Same. I’ve tried using a few different folds that I look at and wonder how it’s possible for anyone to find them useful. So big! I’ve found angling it works really well.

    2. Trixie*

      From what I’ve read, it can be a lot of testing to find the right fit and feel. My question is what would I do with the items that don’t work out, try to recycle them???

      1. Melody Pond*

        You can de-stash (sell) them a few different places. Ebay is one viable option, but you can also go here:

        https://mc-sales.livejournal.com

        For me, it turned out that the two most perfect cups, at different parts of my cycle, were both the small and large Si-Bell cups. I got both of them used, through the livejournal site above (one of which simply linked to an ebay sale page). Because they can be sterilized with boiling water, this is a fairly common thing.

      2. Melody Pond*

        You can de-stash (sell) them! Ebay is one great option, but there’s a LiveJournal place for “mc-sales” that’s another great place to sell them (some people just use the LiveJournal place to link to their eBay sale page). I actually bought my two most favorite cups this way – they were used when I got them, and they’re the cups that worked out most perfectly for me.

        I’ve tried providing a link to the LiveJournal page a couple times, but it seems to be disappearing (not even going to moderation). If I can get it sorted out, I’ll try to provide a link for you.

    3. Pharmgirl*

      Have you tried tampons? I know there’s an environmental concern, but if you’ve only every used pads, maybe see how tampons feel? It might be a better option if you’re going to be out and about at the beach – easier to deal with in a public restroom.

      1. ThatGirl*

        Tampons are one option, I’d like to plug Instead cups, which are more flexible and easy to remove. They are meant to be disposed of, but you can safely use the same one for the length of your period. I loved them and only stopped because I don’t get periods anymore with my Mirena.

        1. Middle School Teacher*

          Oh, yes! I forgot those. I used to use those too but for a while they couldn’t be found in stores in Canada. Now they’re only available online. They’re great.

    4. Middle School Teacher*

      I used to use one, and I liked it. I found I could feel it if it was in even a bit crooked. If I got it in properly, I forgot about it. So it’s a combination of right size and proper insertion. The only reason I don’t use it anymore is because I got an iud and that seems to have lightened things up to where I only need a light liner.

    5. Amy Farrah Fowler*

      I LOVE my menstrual cup. I have an extremely heavy flow and an allergy to rayon (most pads have rayon in them). The first few cycles were challenging as I got used to it, and I did feel it in the beginning, but now, oddly, I only feel it when it’s full (it seems to move down when it needs emptied). I hope you’re able to get used to it and not feel it constantly. Some of it may have to do with size and how it is situated. Practice with it and if it’s uncomfortable, try to reposition it. Good luck!

    6. Allison F*

      I love my menstrual cup! Try contacting Lena’s customer support, I’ve read they’re really great and may even offer to send you a different cup at no charge. Lena makes a sensitive cup (which is what I use) that’s softer than their regular model, which may be more comfy for you.

      Using a cup will also most likely get way easier after a few cycles. The first couple periods, I spent quite a few minutes in the bathroom every time I needed to empty my cup, but I just finished my sixth cycle using the cup, and it was no more difficult than inserting or removing a tampon. You’ll figure out the best fold to use, best positioning for you, etc., with some trial and error.

      One last thing: go to putacupinit(d0t)com. Lots to read, and even a quiz to determine the best cup for you. That’s how I decided to buy the Lena Sensitive.

      1. Menstrual Cups!*

        I had no idea about the sensitive cup! Thanks for the tip! Per your suggestion, I have contacted Lena support for additional help.

        I did research before the purchase, but it was really overwhelming because there are so many options. The Lena Cup had a small option and a lot of great reviews so that’s what I tried.

    7. Melody Pond*

      Menstrual cups are great, but they do have a learning curve, and for some people, that learning curve can be very steep. It didn’t take me all that long, as I recall, but it took my sister about a year to really get the hang of her cup! She started with the Diva, used that for about six months, and then she switched to the LENA. The LENA was much better for her, but she says it took her another six months before she really got the hang of it, and knew how she could insert it perfectly so that she didn’t feel it, and so that it wouldn’t leak. She still says today that one year of “not getting it” was totally worth it, because menstrual cups are so much more convenient/comfortable/economical than disposable pads or tampons.

      So to answer your question – yes, I would definitely give it more time. However, as you’re trying to get the hang of the LENA, you might also try the LENA Sensitive – their softer cup. Firmer cups are generally a little easier to insert, because they open up easier and quicker, and there’s a better chance they’ll open right under or around your cervix (so you don’t have leaking). However, firmer cups, as you noted, can be a little more difficult to remove. Softer cups are the opposite – they can take more finesse and wrangling to get them to open in the right spot so that you don’t have leaking, but they are easier to remove.

      Also – you said you are feeling it, when you wear it – is it sitting high up enough in your vagina? Are you able to locate your cervix with your finger, and do you know whether your cervix sits relatively high, medium, or low within your vagina? One tip I always recommend – if you’re not bleeding super heavily, apply a bunch of lube to yourself before inserting the cup. (If you put a bunch of lube on the cup, that makes it way easier to drop.) Also, don’t try to insert the cup dry – at least rinse it in a bunch of water. The lube will help it open up easier and slide high up enough into the right position.

      1. Menstrual Cups!*

        I have no idea where my cervix is. The cup *seemed* pretty high up in there. I have small hands/short fingers and really struggled to remove it because I couldn’t reach the base let alone pinch it.

        Thanks for the great info about the firmer vs. softer cup. Maybe I need to give softer a try.

        1. Melody Pond*

          Yeah, it sounds like the LENA Sensitive might be worth a try, especially if the cup is sitting high up enough that you can’t reach the base with your fingers, but if you also can still feel it more than you would like.

          Just know that with a softer cup, it will likely take more skill/finesse to get it open around your cervix – I would *definitely* use the lube trick, to help ensure it opens easily. My own cervix is really low, so I can always touch it directly, and therefore I can easily make sure that it’s not outside the cup – so it sounds like my experience is really different from yours. But I know there are people with higher cervixes who still use the LENA and love it.

          You might try using the “ask a question” feature on Amazon’s page for the LENA or the LENA Sensitive, to try to ask for help/tips from cup users who have higher cervixes – that could help you find some best practices/tips for inserting and removing with a higher cervix. Also, this LiveJournal discussion form is a great place for general advice from experienced cup users:

          https://menstrual-cups.livejournal.com

    8. boop the first*

      I got Diva, which is apparently the least comfortable one (??). The first try was absolute torture. The 2nd try was also torture. 3rd also very uncomfortable (it felt like it was messing with my bladder). I ended up cutting off the little “handle” bit, since it’s not good for much of anything (it’s not like you can tug on it) and it felt 80% better. I also had to get over the fear of “losing it” in order to sit it up high enough that it’s forgettable. If it’s too low, it chafes badly.

      I guess my point is, it took 4 months to work out how to make it comfortable enough. It’s still more effort than pads/tampons, especially because I have stubby little fingers and I really CAN’T reach the rim. I have no problem getting it out (I just squeeze the bottom, yes it’s messy). It’s getting it to “inflate” when I can’t reach the rim that makes it tricky. THAT’S how high it has to sit to be comfortable, for me anyway.

      It can take me 5-10 mins to get it in, but because I just sit over the toilet and death squeeze it from the bottom, it comes out as fast as any tampon. And because you can leave it in for 12 hours, I put it in before I leave for work, and take it out when I get home from work, so I NEVER remove it in public so that’s never a problem.

      I like to “rest” in the evening with a pad, and then just put the cup back in for bedtime because sleeping on my back during my period without worrying is a lifechanger! Also forgetting I have my period while I’m busy at work is also a lifechanger. It’s kind of worth the initial struggle.

    9. KL*

      Try a softer one. I have a diva cup and a lena cup. The lena cup is more stiff and I can feel it more. It’s trial and error really, to find a shape and flexibility that works for you. It took me more than a couple tries to figure out how to insert it and remove it without getting frustrated, but now? I boggle that I went so long without using one! I barely think about it now, and no more nasty garbage to dispose of.

    10. Gatomon*

      I was like you, but did a brief couple of years using applicatorless tampons (like OB) prior to the menstrual cup. I used the Lena and found it worked well for me, but it did take a few cycles to get the hang of insertion/removal.

      I personally found I could go 12 hours with it even at my heaviest, so I never changed it in a public restroom. What I typically did was use a pad overnight, and inserted the cup in the morning during my shower (the warm water helps you relax). In the evening after I came home, I’d take it out and clean it, then swap in a tampon until bedtime.

    11. Cedrus Libani*

      I loved mine, but yeah, there’s a learning curve. It took me several cycles to get the hang of it.

      You shouldn’t have to yank the thing to get it out. I found that getting a finger up and nudging the side was sufficient to break the suction, and then it would come right out.

      I could feel it, but it wasn’t more obtrusive than, say, a super tampon. And within a few cycles, I could identify a specific gurgle that meant the thing was full, which meant I had about 20 minutes to find a bathroom, or else.

      As for changing it in a public restroom – this might be TMI even by menstrual cup thread standards, but I’d just take out the cup, empty it, and then rinse it with urine before putting it back. Urine is sterile, and you generally have it handy when you’re on the toilet. The one time I wiped the cup with toilet paper, I got a raging yeast infection, which I’ve never had before or since. I’d take it to the sink at home, but in public, that’s both gross and logistically challenging.

    12. Thlayli*

      If you don’t like the cup you could always try tampons? It sounds like it’s just a a temporary thing for water sports and once a tampon is in you can’t feel it at all.

    13. Hannah*

      I love my cup–I have a Pixie cup, but have also used a Diva cup. I like the Pixie because it is softer, although that does make it a little harder to unfold when it is inserted.

      But as for getting it out, you don’t want to just pull on the bottom. It has a suction seal that prevents leaks, but makes it nearly impossible to just pull out. TMI warning here, but I put my finger alongside it and break the seal first, then push the wall to the side to I can fold it a bit and get it out about at the same angle I put it in. Yes, spillage does occur that way, but I do it while sitting on the toilet.

      I also do not change it in a public bathroom, as you really need a sink nearby before you get yourself set again. But because you can go 12 hours (unless you have a really heavy flow) that is usually OK.

    14. gecko*

      More time & more practice. Get it really far up your vagina—there’s a certain screwing motion, I guess, that preserves the seal and pushes it up. The discomfort is usually from the nose of the cup poking the hell out of your labia, so just put it up further.

      For unsealing, leaning over on the toilet is usually enough to get a finger in & break the seal. Then I have to wait til everyone’s gone to wash my Lady Macbeth hands…

    15. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      Definitely takes practice! I’ve had one for years (I think it’s a Diva cup) and it was really hard to get the hang of it at first. Different ways of folding it, trimming the stem at the bottom down a bit, and getting the outside wet in the sink before putting it in all helped. Even so I occasionally put it in wrong and can feel it, then I have to take it out and start over. But it’s great for outdoor pursuits!

    16. Roja*

      Welcome to the world of cups! :) First things first, check out the menstrual cups livejournal page (I’ll link in separate comment in case it takes a while to be approved), as there will be more information than you could ever want there with a lot of great advice for specific questions. That should help. If you’ve only just starting using one (sounds like it’s been a day or two?) there definitely can be a learning curve. Wait at least one full period, preferably two, before you figure out how the cup is working. Then you can tweak longer/shorter, softer/firmer, stem/no stem, all of those things. Cups can be tricky to find the best one (and some people have several different kinds for different days/needs and so on), but once you find it, it’s really fantastic.

      Re: getting it out, that could be due to a few things. According to livejournal’s sizing chart, the S Lena is a very short cup, so that might be the issue. But also, the cup sits in different places as the cervix changes height. Usually a diva (one of the longest cups) is just right for me, but there are some times when I can hardly get it out and others when it’s almost too long. I’ve even had to give up and come back later a few times when it’s really in there. It happens occasionally. If by the end of your period you still can’t get it out easily, then you may do better with a longer cup or one with a stem/ring to pull. Practically speaking, unless you work extremely long hours or your flow is really heavy, you may well never need to empty it in a public restroom. I think I need to two or three times a *year*, for reference. And you get very practiced and fast over time, like using any other tool.

      Every so often I too find the suction stronger than other times, but it shouldn’t be a normal thing. Like with tampons, if you can feel it, it’s not settled well. IIRC, when I started it took a few days for my body to get used to it and to find a comfortable place to hold it, so to speak. It’s very rare that I notice it in now, but it did feel weird at the beginning.

      So don’t give up! Getting it in easily is half the battle, honestly. If you can master that, the rest will come.

  22. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

    Things I’ve learned so far this week:
    (1) Attempting to fix a 15-year-old refrigerator is an expensive exercise in futility.
    (2) Attempting to go to a Costco warehouse the night before a holiday is very, very, very stupid.
    (3) Costco warehouses don’t directly sell refrigerators anyway.
    (4) The Simpsons portrays appliance salesmen very, very accurately.
    (5) Repeatedly telling a corporate big-box store that your apartment building has strict rules and won’t accept deliveries after 5 pm is about as effective as yelling at a wall.
    (6) Carrying bags of ice outside for just 10 minutes (I live three long avenues away from a grocery store) in a heatwave is enough time to significantly reduce the effectiveness of the ice.
    (7) I need a course in remedial math; over the past week I’ve bought about $50 worth of ice to save, at best, $25 worth of food.

    What scares me is that my week isn’t even over. I’m at the place we don’t speak of on weekends (I work one or two Saturdays per month), and while most Saturdays are pretty easy here, every fifth or sixth Saturday is a “doozy” Saturday and I’m overdue for a “doozy”. But at least when I get home, for the first time this week, I will finally have a (hopefully) working refrigerator.

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        Thank you! And it is resolved for now… it took about $2K, breaking several building rules and losing several years off my life out of anxiety, but we have a new refrigerator in our apartment.

    2. Artemesia*

      The good part of a refrigerator failing is that you have to throw everything out including all those half bottles of stuff you will never use but can’t throw out because they are ‘still good’ e.g. the old pickle relish, BBQ sauce, salad dressing etc. Starting over from 0 with a new refrigerator is such a pleasure.

      The last time we had one die was literally the morning we were to fly to Florida to see the last space shuttle launch (Endeavour). I hastily threw out the fresh food and the freezer contents and bought a bunch of dry ice and shut the thing up and headed for the airport. Dealt with the ugliness when we got back.

  23. Marge Gunderson*

    I’m pregnant! It is verrrry early in (4 weeks) and there is so much to learn. I have no peers or family members who have become pregnant recently (i.e. in the past 20 years) so it’s an interesting challenge to get information we trust. Husband and I are taking a calm approach but we’re already lost in a sea of books, guidelines, advice, etc. Anyone have any media that really helped them? So far I have been listening to back episodes of the One Bad Mother podcast on the Max Fun network, which I’ve been really loving. Thanks!

    1. CBE*

      Lamaze has some great stuff. Evidence based, mother friendly, friendly to both medicated and unmedicated birth etc. Giving Birth With Confidence (book and web site) are really helpful.

    2. OyVey*

      For overall what happens when, I really like the Mayo Clinic Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy. It’s a big book but contains tons of info, very sensible.

    3. Kj*

      Expecting Better is a an amazing book about pregnancy! The author goes through the research and makes recommendations based on the science.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Recommend The Girlfriend’s Guide by Iovine, which is older now (my kids are college and high school) but the process hasn’t changed much. Hits stuff like “Your belly button will turn inside out” (why is this not a standard thing in What to Expect?) and “E creams won’t do much for stretch marks but might help if you get all over body itching” which again, WtE just sort of waved off like all over itching was a minor thing compared to acceptance of stretch marks.

        My obstetrician explicitly made sure I knew to ignore the nutritional advice in What to Expect, which is just way over the top.

        If you get leg cramps at night, press your heels down and toes up as hard as you can.

    5. Jayeraye*

      Most hospitals have classes you can sign up for, and they are great. I loved ours – I only got to go to half of it (impatient baby), but that half gave me a guide book and taught me to swaddle, so it was a win.

      Also see if your grocery store (and other assorted big box stores) has a baby club/program. In addition to coupons mine gives out a doorstop of a book with all sorts of useful information.

      Congratulations on your little squish!

    6. Jessi*

      zero to three has some great stuff about development. I advocate reading about different parenting styles to see which one resonates with you and husband – Janet Lansbury is a great resource for parenting that treats your baby like a little person.

      Have a look out/ ask your doctor for prenatal classes in your area – great chance to meet other ladies who are also x weeks pregnant (and therefore you will all have babies the same age great) and for getting birthing info

    7. ISeeYouRN*

      Fed Is Best (on fb & a website) has some great resources about finding what fits for you and your family, and lots of support for what you plan/decide to do.

      Second the Mayo Clinic book for information.

      Also- congrats!!! There are so many ways to be a good parent- you’ve got this. Find a provider you trust & can work together with, and avoid people who perpetuate the mommy wars.

      1. CBE*

        Fed is best is…..not great. Very reactionary, inflammatory and controversial. And that’s all I will say about that. If you go there, just know that it does not have the best reputation.

    8. Thlayli*

      Some of the apps are very good. What to expect app is good, and there’s another one can’t remembef which which has very good info about what’s happening each week.

      If you want the full story of what’s happening with baby google the visible embryo – it’s the website of the Carnegie institute of embryology and it gives detailed descriptions of what happens at each stage. Fascinating.

      And congratulations.

    9. Kuododi*

      Mazel Tov!!! I’m unable to get pregnant so I have no practical survival tips to share. I would say to always remember, this is yours and your partners baby-to-be and don’t let anyone, family or otherwise pressure you into decisions with which you aren’t comfortable. Best wishes and may the blessings of the Holy One be with you and your growing family now and forever more.

    10. Ranon*

      If you like podcasts, Longest Shortest Time is really great, and if you get in a birth story mood the Birth Hour is also a great listen.

      Book wise my hands down favorite was Pregnancy for Dummies, which was the most relaxed, everything will be okay book I read. Expecting Better is a decent pop-science read, as is The Science of Mom. Mayo Clinic for when you need a straight dose of info that will keep you from googling. And Baby 411 and the AAP birth – 5 years book for that part that comes after pregnancy and lasts a whole lot longer…

      Congrats! You’re doing great, contrary to all the messaging out there there’s not actually one true way to be pregnant, you’ll figure out what works for you. People have been having babies in all sorts of ways for a very long time.

    11. Serious Sam*

      Congratulations. Not media recommendations, but from our own experience: Whatever you do, there will be someone willing to tell you that you are wrong. Be prepared to ignore these people.

  24. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

    Blue-grey mold spots appearing in closet, silk suits, dotting the bedroom wall.

    We’re at our wit’s end. I’ve been spraying vinegar on the walls to stem the spread, using a small dehumidifier too. AC is low, and the only reason I can think this happened is temperature differences between rooms.

    We left 4 messages for maintenance to fix this. They called (left no message). Honestly all other times, they’ve fixed things asap. All I want is for mold to leave.

    Any tips to remove mold? My worst nightmare is leaving for a weekend trip and returning to a Jumanji mold forest :/

    2. Artemesia*

      I’d be wondering if there were a building issue like slow leaks. Really sounds like a change in moisture issues. Dehumidifiers work if the problem is humidity but if you have a leak then only fixing the leak works.

      The only thing I have found that nails mold is bleach. I sprayed our showers for years with a dilute bottle of bleach and water and we never had mold on the tile or grout. I would wait until after my husband had showered and we could basically close off the shower room for a few hours and then spray and close the door leaving the bathroom fan on . (our master had the toilet/shower in a separate small compartment).

    3. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      I wonder if there’s a leak somewhere that’s causing the mold. Our old apartment had a leak somewhere in the roof, and we lived on the top floor. It resulted in our paint peeling and when our superintendent broke through the wall… I saw enough mold to make me woozy. Your best bet is, unfortunately, to stay on top of your management company if you’re renting. Good luck.

    4. Massmatt*

      Bleach etc will kill mold but if you have the conditions for mold (damp, and still air) it will return. Try to get the air circulating, use a fan. This may help with evaporating the moisture also. Good luck!

    5. Gatomon*

      Sounds like there’s a leak somewhere in the building. Is this an exterior wall or near piping? You might try a HEPA filter (a true HEPA filter, not a HEPA-type) to filter the spores out of the air. Bleach is effective but damaging. I would evacuate that room if you can.

      Check your state’s rental laws. You may be able to withhold rent or break the lease if this isn’t dealt with in a timely manner.

    6. Penguin*

      If it came down to it, and if the wall happens to be one of the very few colors in which it is available, you could paint the wall with a mold/mildew-resistant paint (often used in bathrooms) to reduce mold returning after being killed. But ultimately it sounds like a problem that maintenance needs to investigate, probably involving cutting holes in the wall to find out if there’s evidence of water or leaks.

    7. Thlayli*

      You can get anti-mold cleaning spray and anti-mold paint, but I agree put serious pressure on your landlord.

    8. BeenThere*

      The only thing that got daughter’s landlord moving on a different serious health issue was to threaten to call the City health board. It was fixed the next day.

    9. Kristinemc*

      Look into leaving a 25 watt light burning – my allergist said that mold and mildew needs darkness to grow, and recommends a light.

    10. LilySparrow*

      I live in the Deep South Mold Capital of the US, so this is based on my experience with the blue-green fuzzy and the black molds.

      There are mold spores in the air all the time, so you won’t get rid of all of them forever. But they have got a foothold there, and you need to get aggressive to break the cycle.

      Never mind the vinegar – grocery store vinegar isn’t strong enough to really kill anything. Get a bleach-based disinfectant cleaner and spray the walls, let it sit at least 10-15 minutes, then wipe down thoroughly with paper towels and throw them away. Clorox makes a foaming spray cleaner that clings better than the liquid.

      Make sure you dry-clean or launder everything in that closet, don’t just spot-clean. The mold spots you see are just the biggest clusters – it’s permeated the items already.

      Fungus likes warm, dark, damp, still places. So make it the opposite as much as you can. Bedrooms are always going to be more humid than living rooms, for example, because you breathe out water vapor all night.

      Do not store anything made of paper or cardboard in that closet. No shoeboxes, no fabric bins with a cardboard base, no paper covers on the hangers from the dry cleaners, no love letters or scrapbooking material. They hold moisture and are fungus heaven. Plastic, metal, or glossy painted wood only. The mold may still grow on them, but they can be cleaned.

      Try adding a granular moisture absorber – or several. Damp-Rid makes both the pouch kind you hang in the closet and the jar kind you can refill.

      Keep the air moving constantly, add a fan if you need to. Keep the doors to the bedroom and the closet open. Get any leather goods out if the closet (mold loves them for some reason) and make sure there’s enough space between the clothes for air to circulate, and nothing is touching the walls.

      Get as much light in there as possible. It doesn’t kill it outright, but it’s less conducive. Leave the blinds open during the day.

      Sorry you’re dealing with this! Other than cleaning, your landlord’s options are going to be systemic – changing the filters in the HVAC, making sure there’s no leaks or condensation issues in the system, checking for leaks in the roof or plumbing, etc. Maybe rebalance the airflow in the HVAC system to correct the temperature difference.

      They’ll want to check that the mold is only on the surface and hasn’t infiltrated the drywall or insulation. They could possibly also redo the walls with an antifungal paint.

      But the first step is to get rid of what’s in your place right now. Take pictures, but don’t leave it there waiting for them – the longer it goes on, the harder it is to eradicate.

  25. Sled dog mama*

    Thanks to everyone who expressed their concern for my female dog on Wednesday’s thread. Our vet has said that based on her physical exam she’s 75% sure the lump is benign, but my girl is worrying over the lump so rather than try to biopsy it we elected to go straight for removing it. She’ll be having surgery Wednesday to remove the lump and gland.

    2. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      Puppy hugs from our old dog girl here (who can’t have surgery). Wishing the best and following for the good news to come.

  26. Trixie*

    Nail files! At one time, I purchased a non-emory nail file which my mom loves. Apparently after dropping it, broke into three pieces. I remember it had some weight to it and did a much better job of shaping and smoothing. I’m research ceramic nail files but unsure if that is what we had. Suggestions?

    Also, has anyone tried micro blading? I like that it’s non-permanent but beyond that unfamiliar. I am encouraging my mom to explore this for mostly non-existent eye brows. (Rather than any kind of follicle transplant.)

    2. CAA*

      Could it have been glass? I have one of those that I love because it files without tearing my nails.

    3. Justme, The OG*

      Sounds like a glass file. I hate them because they’re easily breakable and the sound grated on my nerves. They do work extremely well, though.

    4. aqueenvictorious*

      I like the ASP crystal nail files. I get mine from Sally’s Beauty Supply, but I’m sure they exist other places.

      2. Nail Polish Addict*

        Oh wow, I’ve never seen the cheap ones! All the glass files I’ve ever found have been etched, I didn’t even know they made those other ones. Maybe they don’t sell them here.

        1. Persephone Mulberry*

          I learned they exist the hard way. I bought one at a grocery store and the glass started flaking off and I was like “why the heck do people love these?!” And then my friend pointed me toward the good kind.

  27. BRR*

    How do you know when it’s time to stop therapy? My sessions feel very repetitive (me complaining about work) but I feel weird about stopping them since I definitely don’t feel great (although much better than when I started). I’ve decreased the frequency of them and my therapist is good.

    1. Massmatt*

      It might be time to stop, or it might be time to try a different therapist. Sometimes things can just get stale with someone and a new perspective can be useful. Or at least rethink your current therapy, can you get out of this rut, and restructure it? Maybe try different exercises, talk about something else, set different ground rules? Maybe your therapist needs to change his/her approach, or maybe you need to think deeper about what to talk about?

      If your underlying issue (feeling bad generally) is still there then maybe trying something different could be worthwhile vs: stopping. A good therapist will help you with this, it’s definitely part of the job.

    2. ThatGirl*

      Ask your therapist? Say you feel like you’re spinning your wheels. You can also take a break and see how it goes.

    3. LGC*

      You answered your own question. You don’t feel like you’re getting anything out of it, so it might be time to stop for now.

      Or maybe you might need a new therapist! They might be good, just not what you need right now.

    4. Thlayli*

      Why are you in therapy? (Don’t answer just think about it). Once you no longer feel you need therapy it’s time to stop. If you feel you do still need therapy then talk to your therapist about focusing on the problem not just moaning about work (you could go to a hairdresser or a taxi driver for that!)

    5. Kuododi*

      Have you brought up this concern to your therapist??? I would suggest taking the risk and letting this person know you are struggling g in your sessions. It would give your therapist a chance to talk with you about any changes y’all might or might not need to make with the direction of your therapy. If after that occurs and you’re still feeling as though changing therapists is best, then it would be time. Let me know if I can help with referrals or recommendations. Best wishes.

    6. Lemonworld*

      What’s your goal for the therapy? If you still have a goal for therapy, you can go into your therapist and say “When I first came to therapy, I was <> and you helped by <>, but now, it seems like I just complain about work. I’d really like to <> – can we make a plan to achieve that, and when that’s done, then I’d like to ‘graduate’ from therapy for awhile.”

      If you’re otherwise happy with your life and how you move through the world and can’t think of a goal to work on, then it’s completely fine to go to the therapist and say “When I first came to therapy, I was <> and you helped by <>, but now, it seems like I just complain about work. I’d like to talk about a plan for graduating from therapy. Can we talk about what that would look like? I think <>.

      Use whatever words seem best to you – I’ve talked to my therapist about “graduating” because that’s what it felt like to me. And just because I graduated doesn’t mean I was done – I went back to work on something specific for a set amount of time when I needed to.

      Treat it like a conversation where you’re both on the same team, because that’s what it is. But at the end of the day, it’s your time/mind/money/life, so if it’s not working for you anymore, it’s not working.

    7. families!*

      At one time I wondered the same because I’d go in and feel I had nothing to say. I brought it up and my therapist was very open about saying it was my decision but she felt that I was not in a happy place (she probably used different words) and she was right, some surface level stuff was better but I was not in a great place. This conversation though created a space to look and bring up things that I hadn’t or maybe a different perspective to the same problems but it seemed in retrospect that I was stuck and this conversation unstuck me so I could bring in more issues.

      I think now that I’ve been in therapy for a really long time with this same person, when I start to be bored or feel repetitive it’s often because I don’t want to take it to the next level because of fear or anxiety or something so I stay where it’s comfortable, even though it’s so unrewarding. Sometimes I do that by not bringing up what is really bothering me or sometimes by not engaging with what the therapist suggests and sometimes I have to just say this is bothering me but I don’t want to bring it up because (for example) it’s scary because of x or I don’t know how to bring up what is really bothering me but it has to do a or b, and then we can move on from there.

      In other words, I’m an integral part of the therapeutic relationship even though sometimes I want the therapist to do all the work but that doesn’t work that way. I am responsible for my part of the relationship which is more than just physically showing up for the sessions.

  28. AvonLady Barksdale*

    I bake bread as a hobby. I love the trial-and-error of it and that it requires patience and time. These are all things I need more of in my life. But this summer is just too hot and humid or something, because I keep failing. I made two terrific flatbreads recently, but my last two attempts at bagels ended up in sad flat discs. My oven temperature is fine, my yeast is good, I’m just having the worst time getting things right and it’s a bit depressing. I’m basically trying to control things that are out of my control, like the way air flows in my kitchen and the moisture content of the air. So right now I’m making a loaf of sandwich bread and just hoping the damn thing doesn’t collapse for some reason. Wish me luck.

    1. AvonLady Barksdale*

      The bread baked up beautifully… then my partner cut a slice while it was cooling. Which isn’t the worst thing in the world, but it does tend to make the bread more compact. Oh well. I CANNOT WIN!

      1. gecko*

        It’s so irresistible and yet… :) Glad the bread loaf turned out well!

        I have two guesses for the bagels. One is, it’s possible it was so hot that they just over-proved without you noticing. That’s my biggest guess. The second guess is, might have been too wet a dough due to the humidity. I’ve found that my bagels especially are really sensitive to small water-content changes, with a little less margin of error than other breads.

        What bagel recipe do you use?

        1. AvonLady Barksdale*

          This happened with two different King Arthur Flour recipes, one that used an overnight starter and one that didn’t. I think you’re absolutely right; I cut the first proof back by 15 minutes, but it’s very likely that wasn’t enough. They just kind of deflated as soon as I started handling them. I also think you’re right about the water content; it’s been murderously humid here, and our kitchen just gets awful air circulation.

    2. Lady Alys*

      Good luck! I’m getting some new yeast (finally ran through the last pound in the freezer) and looking forward to some homemade pizza!

    3. Alice*

      You can make nice naan and other flatbreads on the grill, to keep your hand in while enjoying a kitchen that’s not boiling.

    4. Occasional baker*

      King Arthur Flour posted a blog earlier this summer about summer bread baking and moisture content – seemed informative and used lots of math. Haven’t followed the advice in it yet (haven’t baked much bread this summer) but you may want to check it for helpful tips!

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        Ha, I did! Didn’t help with the bagels, but was great when I was making the sandwich bread. :) I am a KAF disciple.

    5. Reba*

      I don’t know anything about bagels, but I can say that our breads have been just weird lately. In response, we’re making things where it doesn’t matter much — focaccia, ugly-cute boules. Also I, like your spouse, CANNOT wait to cut into the warm bread. I’m sorry.

    6. swingbattabatta*

      Side note, have you read the book Sourdough by Robin Sloan? It is fiction, and centers around a fledgling baker who is in possession of a sourdough starter with a bit of a personality. It’s really fun, and makes me crave baking :)

  29. Be the Change*

    Love of the week! What’s yours?

    Mine is my Maui Jim sunglasses which I received as a gift because my sister in law only wears prescription, so when she got a pair as a work bonus she gave them to me. Oh my goodness, the life changing power of high quality sun glasses when you live where I do! I am grateful every time I put them on.

    1. BeenThere*

      Yes! I learned long ago that it matters to have quality sunglasses. I pay way too much for mine and guard them with my life! Plus you have the added bonus of protecting your eyes and look good doing it!

    2. Earthwalker*

      Kindle on Android. Wherever I am, there’s a good book. Audible on Android too. Whenever I can’t sleep, someone who reads really really well and does all the voices reads me a bedtime story.

  30. OnAnonAnon*

    So I was diagnosed with OCD on Thursday. I’ve known for a while that things weren’t quite right with me, so it was strangely reassuring to have it confirmed officially.

    Does anyone else here have OCD? Do you feel like treatment has helped you at all? I’m also thinking about going back onto medication as I do have symptoms of GAD and Panic Disorder alongside the OCD (lucky me!), but I’m still undecided. If you take a medication and it helps with your symptoms, I would love to hear about it.

    I also need to work on how to deal with those people who claim to have OCD because they like to keep their pen parallel to their notebook. In the past I have been snappy with people accidentally, so I feel like I should develop a strategy for if/when this comes up in future. Advice welcome! Thank you.

    1. tangerineRose*

      I’ve got OCD and depression. Prozac has helped – it takes the edge off. One thing I’ve learned is that my OCD kicks up when I’m physically uncomfortable or stressed, so I’m working on paying attention to how I feel. I haven’t found therapy all that helpful so far, but maybe I’ve just been to the wrong therapists.

      For people who claim to have OCD, I try to let it go. For all I know, they might actually have well-hidden OCD and are trying to make light of what they’re going through. (This thought makes it easier for me to let it go.)

    2. Thursday Next*

      When my anxiety is well managed, my OCD symptoms lesson. Sometimes my depression treatment conflicts with anxiety management, and that kicks up to OCD stuff.

      It’s been a long time since I was diagnosed, and it doesn’t bother me when people throw the term around. Maybe they’re insecure or worried that they do have OCD, maybe they have and hide it, maybe they misunderstand the term. No one has directly said stuff that impacts my own management of OCD. OTOH, there have been times when people made throwaway comments about depression that were disparaging, and I did react on those occasions. So I guess it depends on what people are saying.

    3. Yetanotherjennifer*

      I do what TangerineRose recommends for the “I’m so OCD” people. I assume they genuinely have it and this is they only way they’re able to express it. At a book club once someone described a character’s behavior as OCD and I almost spoke up. The character was obsessively collecting art, but the act and the art gave them joy, so while the collecting was problematic, it was not OCD. I also have GAD accompanying my OCD; it’s pretty typical for OCD to bring along a friend. I’m high functioning, “Pure O,” and have gone for long periods of time without treatment. I’ve had great therapists in the past but in this location I’ve had two duds. I need to try again but I’ve been delaying. I’ve also tried meds and they worked fairly well but the side effects were not great.

    4. Duchess of Anonymous*

      Treatment has helped a ton. Medication and CBD helped me learn to identify & tolerate distress better so I can function (IE: oh I’ve washed my hands into rawness- what’s triggering me right now?). Meds also helped decrease the intrusive thoughts which was a huge relief.

      People who make dumb comments way above their pay grade- I usually give a mild “not quite”.

    5. RestlessRenegade*

      I have OCD-tendencies (using the clinical term here; I have infrequent obsessions, mostly intrusive thoughts, and very few compulsions.) and I’m pretty sure I have very mild OCPD (different symptoms) coupled with social anxiety. I don’t think I need medication; I’ve been working with a therapist for a while and exposure therapy and CBT has helped. My therapist isn’t the greatest, but finding a therapist is hard so I don’t think I’ll be looking for a new one any time soon. That isn’t to say that medication can’t be effective, though–I know it helps lots of people!

      People throwing around terms like “OCD” drives me up a wall. I also hate it when they do the same thing with “bipolar” (my mom has bipolar 2.) I don’t usually say anything, just seethe silently, which is probably for the best at this point.

    6. Cedrus Libani*

      I have OCD – I’ve had it since I was self-aware enough to notice, and was diagnosed at age 5.

      The first thing to know about OCD is that the O’s and C’s are symptoms, not the disease. The disease is the sense of impending disaster that is rattling around in your brain, and because brains aren’t equipped to deal with free floating emotions, you’re assigning that feeling to whatever concrete inputs are available to you.

      The pattern works like this:
      OCD brain: AHH SOMETHING’S WRONG
      Regular brain: Huh, that mirror is smudged

      Therefore, since these two thoughts occurred together, your brain logically concludes that if you don’t clean the mirror right this instant, unspeakably awful things will happen and it will be all your fault.

      There’s no negotiating with this. If you try, you will fail, and that way lies literal madness. If you do clean the mirror, you’ll be rewarded by a sense of relief – and then you’ll latch onto something equally stupid ten seconds later. You can do this over and over, like an addict seeking a fix, until it consumes you. Or, you can refuse to negotiate with brain terrorists. I take the latter approach. I do not give in to compulsions, ever.

      Cognitive-based therapy, and exposure therapy in my younger days, was a literal life-saver for me. CBT teaches concrete techniques for wrangling maladaptive thoughts. This is a skill, and you can get better at it, and having a coach can be useful.

      I did take Zoloft for a time, in my twenties, not specifically for OCD but for situational depression. I found that it made me better able to step back from upsetting thoughts and evaluate them rationally. As such, it could be useful as “training wheels” for someone learning CBT. However, it did not make these thoughts go away.

      (What did make the OCD go away was being diagnosed with, and treated for, an autoimmune disease. Wasn’t expecting that one, but I’ve been symptom-free for several years.)

        1. Cedrus Libani*

          Gluten ataxia. It’s similar to celiac, except instead of the immune system going after a suspiciously gluten-looking protein in the intestines, it goes after a related protein in the nervous system.

          I didn’t want to believe it either. But feed me a sandwich, and 12 hours later I will have OCD…and then another 12 hours after that, I won’t. My weird gait / motor issues have also mostly resolved.

          My symptoms are nowhere near bad enough for me to have full-blown gluten ataxia, with celiac-equivalent antibodies against my nervous system. (Such people tend to be in very rough shape. I was visibly “not quite right” in terms of motor control, but it wasn’t disabling.) But I do have the specific immune type that is prone to developing such antibodies. It seems that I’ve got just enough cross-reactivity to cause mild symptoms, much as someone else might have digestive upset after eating bread even if they aren’t full celiac.

      2. misspiggy*

        Ohhh that is illuminating, thank you so much. Someone in my life seems to feel like this, from what I can tell.

    7. FutureLibrarianNoMore*

      I have OCD! It was kind of a relief for me to, honestly. I always had been told I had anxiety, but my symptoms never quite matched up.

      I take Prozac. It’s been a lifesaver for me so far, though there are some side effects. I had insomnia the first week-ish, but that’s mostly gone away. The biggest side effect has been loss of appetite. However, I am quite overweight, so the 8 lbs I’ve lost so far without trying has been a great thing for me. (I’ve always struggled with eating, so this is good for me. Might not be so good for those with disordered eating.)

      I’m also in once-weekly therapy.

      I need both, 100%. They’re helping, but unfortunately it will take time to work through my 20 years of issues that I’ve let build up.

      In addition, ignore the “I’m so OCD” comments. It’s hard, I know, but you won’t change their minds.

    8. Observer*

      No OCD, but I’ve had to learn a fair bit about it. The key thing to understand, as Cedrus Libani says, is that the C and D are symptoms. OCD is essentially an anxiety disorder.

      Also, your best bet for treatment is probably going to be with someone who specialized in OCD.

    9. LilySparrow*

      Nothing specific to offer about OCD, but a solidarity fist-bump on the massive double relief of being diagnosed.

      1) An actual expert has validated that your experience is real, and worth taking seriously, and has a name.

      And 2) That there are people who have been working on this stuff for years, and there are ways to help you feel better.

      Those things are profoundly awesome when you’ve been suffering from something invisible. Best of luck to you on your treatment.

    10. Janeitenoir*

      I was diagnosed with OCD about a month ago, after I had my first official major flare-up starting in early February. Looking back, I think I’ve probably been subclinical or tending towards it for a while, but the combined stress of the last year officially kickstarted it. I have the ‘pure o’ symptoms where it’s mostly in my head, but because it was so strange and came on really fast, I was able to figure out it was OCD within a few weeks. I was able to access therapy through my work EAP, which tided me over until I could get into a specialist for exposure therapy, who I see weekly now. I don’t take medication, as I’m pretty scared of side effects, but am open to it if I think I need it. Otherwise, pretty high-functioning.

      I think the treatment is helping, but it can be slow going. I do know that I am lightyears away from where I was in February/March/April when it first hit, but I’m not sure if that’s the therapy or lowered stress – or both.

      I’m still trying to figure out how I feel about the “OCD people.” I think a lot of it is ignorance and without malice, but now that I know how terrifying it is, it’s really hard not to talk about it all the time (which is probably another reassurance!)

  31. hermit crab*

    OK, some of you may remember the “pets taking over your home workspace” post — my contribution was the Madagascar hissing cockroaches. For the past year or so, I’ve been having fun creating little scenarios/dioramas for my bugs, making little hats for them and whatever, and taking funny pictures. I share the pictures on my personal facebook and my friends get a big kick out of it (e.g., I recently went to a college reunion and people I haven’t personally spoken to in a decade came up to me and said they loved the bug photos).

    I would like to share these photos with a wider audience, but I don’t want to make my facebook posts public. What should I be using? Instagram? Twitter? I am an Old Millennial and the only social media I have is facebook but I guessssssssssss I could learn something new.

    As a thanks-in-advance, I will find a way to share a few of the photos with you all and post the links in a reply.

        1. Anonymosity*

          Definitely. And then post a link so we can follow you because that is hilarious.

          1. hermit crab*

            Done! The account is @hissstogram. There are no photos yet because most of them aren’t saved on my phone, so I have to do some file transfer first. But I will get some up there later today!

    4. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Love it!

      If you’re taking a lot of high quality photos with a real camera (or even a really good phone), you might consider Flickr. You get a terabyte of free storage, and they have excellent tagging, categorizing, and privacy tools. You can see the username associated with a photo, but if it’s just for these photos you can make the username something generic like “MyMadagascars” or even something completely random.

      If you just want to put some images online and remain completely anonymous, use Imgur. If you follow a link to an Imgur image, you can’t even tell the account or username that posted it. I’ll reply to this comment with a link to show you what I mean.

    5. TardyTardis*

      You *must* read a book called A CIVIL CAMPAIGN by Lois McMaster Bujold and learn all about butterbugs…

  32. Best cat in the world*

    I posted a week or two about my little fur buddy going in for surgery. The vets were fab, they really looked at her records and worked out a way of doing the dental extractions with as little risk as possible (she was diagnosed with heart problems a few weeks ago) and rang me as soon as she was awake. She’s doing great and was a star patient apparently. I feel like I can breathe and relax again now :)

    1. Trixie*

      That is great news! Surgery has come a long way but still nothing to take lightly. That follow up call is the best.

      I had a senior kitty go in for limb amputation (carcinoma) and they warned me he would need to stay for observation. Well, they called me the next morning to say he was growling (normal for his personality) and to come get him. Best call ever.

    3. Plant Lady*

      I’m so glad everything went well! Give your fur buddy some head rubs from me!

    4. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      What great news. Heart problems + more for the canine baby here, I understand the concern. Glad it went well!

  33. PolicyChick*

    I have a 9-year relationship that is coming to an en. It breaks my heart that this dying, but for many reasons, there’s nothing to be done about it. I need some help handling it, and recognizing this man for what/who he is. That way I can kind of, somehow put this relationship in a box and put it away.

    I loved him for a very long time but that is finally fading. And the relationship is going out with a whimper: less communication, less seeing each other, less everything. When we do see each other, it’s only for a few hours, we might have sex, and then he is out the door. It’s so sad and it demoralizes me.

    I am a very demonstrative, affectionate person. I like to ‘do’ for people and I love my friends fiercely. I am also sensitive and deeply empathetic, almost to a fault. He is none of those things. He is incredibly intelligent and well-known in his profession. You’ve probably seen him on the teevee (if you watch C-SPAN, anyway). Witty, handsome, very very talented. But he is not affectionate and does not necessarily like to be touched much. He can be cold and cruel (by his own words, though I have never known him to be cruel.) He does not understand empathy. Even in an everyday way, he does not say Please or Thank You, and rarely voices any appreciation in general. I can count on two hands the times he has said, “You look nice” or “You’re pretty”. So I’ve learned to lower (and lower) my expectations of him.

    I don’t understand this, and I wonder what it means for him to be so…whatever it is. And before you say, ” Oh I know what it is – he’s an ass”, that will not be news and not very helpful.

    So I’m not completely sure what I’m asking. Maybe I just need to say to myself, “We are so different that the love eventually died.”

    Has anyone else been where I am now, and how did you resolve it in your own mind? Thanks.

    1. fposte*

      I’m sorry, PolicyChick. I think sometimes that “We grew apart” that you commonly hear is another way of saying that differences became more important over time. I don’t know if the guy is an ass or not, but I’ve known plenty of people who can’t really carry an interpersonal tune–they don’t really hear the difference between somebody in tune or off key and they don’t get all that much satisfaction from the music anyway. If they’re content enough that way that they’re not prepared to try to develop the skill, I think your choice is to skip most of the music or to go find a different orchestra.

      You’ve been vivid about what’s important to you in your own identity, so I’m not surprised that you’d have a tough time accepting a home where you were all “Never mind, we won’t be that engaged with each other anyway.” You can love someone but still need to find somebody who can really play your music.

    2. bunniferous*

      You deserve to be loved by someone who actually knows how to love. As you already know this is not it.

      Please put this relationship out of its misery so you can find the person you deserve to be in a relationship with. This man cannot give you what you deserve.

      1. PolicyChick*

        Thank you very much. You are right in that I deserve a love that fills me. I will miss him deeply, but at this point (as you alluded to) I already miss him, so, what difference does the timing make, really.

        It is over for all intents and purposes, but the minute I say ‘We should probably just end this’…It will be well and truly over. No more anything, no friendship, no emails, no nothing. Which will break my heart (as is my nature) and he’ll just carry on (as is his). SIGH.

        Thanks again.

    3. Not me, this time*

      I feel you so much! I’m myself on the brink of ending a 29-years-old marriage due to mainly the type of reasons you are now. My partner is, I guess,emotionally unavailable – has been since the beginning, I guess, but youth fire kept us going. For several years I’ve been in therapy (depression and some other unopened baggage), and that changed me a lot. Them, not so much. The same disdain for therapy and self-improvement is present as it was in the beginning. I’m feeling the lack of emotional intimacy – I’m close to how you describe yourself, just milder (age will do that). I’ve given myself – and will give them clearly and openly – one year. After that, I’m better alone. All that is to say – you’re not alone and you do you. “The people who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind” and all that.

      1. PolicyChick*

        Thanks, we do seem to be in the same place in a lot of ways. ‘Emotionally unavailable’ is definitely on the mark, and not just me asserting it but him describing himself. And yes he’s been that way throughout.
        I also have chronic depression, and I struggle with the baggage of a distant and emotionally abusive father. And here I am in my fifties! Still trying to sort it all out.
        I think it’s a good idea for you to lay out to your partner what you need, want, and expect. If Partner cannot give you those things…Yes you are better (in the fuller, honest sense of it) being single. I’ve never been married but I’ve had an adventuresome life. Don’t underestimate the power of being on your own.

        Maybe I should take my own advice? Thank you for writing, it really helped. Good luck to you too.

        1. Not me, this time*

          Hey, glad it helped! We’re really closer, situation-wise, than I expected. The universe is sometimes so small!

          I do plan to tell my spouse what I need, the minimum necessary for the marriage to continue. Lay it out in plain native language, as she likes (I’m on the Guesser side, myself). And we’ll see how it goes. I keep my fingers crossed for you, too!

    4. Anonymosity*

      “We are so different that the love eventually died.”

      I’m sorry. This sounds like one of my past relationships (five years, not nine, but still). No matter what, we didn’t progress because while we shared a lot, the fundamental differences were too great to overcome. No amount of love will help if two people are not supposed to be together. And I don’t mean that in a mystical soulmate way, but in an are-we-suited-to-each-other-temperamentally way. It does not sound as if the two of you are.

      I hope your heart heals and you find yourself in one where someone is meeting your expectations and even exceeding them.

    5. The Good Boss*

      I’m so sorry, I am still healing from my ex who I came to realize doesn’t feel empathy the way I do. Like you, I am sensitive and deeply empathetic. He’s a mental health therapist who learned long ago to act empathetic and he does understand it intellectually, but I came to see that he had no real empathy for anyone else besides himself, including me. (Example: he was discussing whether to go back to his ex, which would have meant leaving me. When I expressed alarm at losing him, he snapped: “This isn’t about YOU!”) I think it helps to know that I’m not the only one who had this type of experience. I hope that is a small help to you too. I don’t have an actual solution as I’m still struggling with being alone and it has been about 2.5 years.

    6. Cheshire Cat*

      Your SO sounds a lot like my ex. He was a good person, kind, generous; but didn’t like giving compliments, never talked about his feelings, and was not affectionate. I eventually read the book “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman, and it helped me realize that my ex just had a very different way of expressing love than I do. It also made me see that I couldn’t be happy long term with him, because we were so different and he wasn’t willing to change his behavior.

      It still took me several months to actually make the break, and it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. In our case, I think it was a case of, “We were so different that the love was never nurtured enough to grow.”

      I’m sorry that you’re going through this. Ending a relationship is never easy :(

    7. Not All Who Wander*

      My lawyer is supposed to be filing the divorce decree with the court on Monday…so, yeah. Been there. I ended up going to a few therapy sessions to get some help figuring things out. I really didn’t have anyone in my life I could talk to about it, so I kept playing conversations in my own head and that was NOT helpful to say the least. Combined with simply not seeing him for a couple months, I feel like I woke up from a dream or someone turned on all the lights or something. I was in the *habit* of loving him and caring for him…but I am SO much happier and more alive now that he’s gone. I feel like I’m actually living life again instead of just going through the motions. One of the hardest things to accept was that the person I fell in love with originally was gone…he had changed so much & not in good ways. Talking with the therapist about whether I would have dated…let alone married…him AS HE WAS NOW, and realizing I absolutely would not was what it took for me to wake up, stop beating myself up, and move on. (Therapy sessions were after we’d already agreed to divorce and he had moved out…it was very sudden. Weds everything was normal; Friday the lawyer was filing the initial paperwork with the court because this state has a stupid long waiting period.)

      Every now and then, I miss being able to share something with him (or ask him to steady a ladder while I change a light bulb or something), but those are pretty dang rare & we only decided to get a divorce 2 months ago.

      Good luck.

    8. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      I stayed. It was a mistake. I can’t go into details (I’ve recommended this blog to too many people now). But be strong and don’t settle. The path of least resistance is not the best in the long run – the day to day costs of settling and minimizing actually add up to much more than the cost of the clean cut.

      1. PookieLou*

        Yes! This!

        Don’t second-guess yourself out of making a decision you already know is the right one. I won’t go into details about my [cussword] of an ex boyfriend, but if I hadn’t talked myself out of ending things with him over and over, I would have spared myself months and months of unhappiness.

        What was helpful for me is to take some time when my head felt clear and calm, and write some thoughts about the relationship and why it must end. That helped me see with my eyes how many things were wrong, and how bad it really was. Memorize the most important points, and repeat them to yourself, along with affirmations that you deserve happiness. Tell a trusted friend about how you feel, if you are comfortable. Maybe visualize how wonderful it will feel when you post your update. They can back you up if the doubts come back. When you go to break it off, repeat your affirmations in your head until you feel confident, and then go do it. Be clear and concise, and do not apologize for breaking up. if you are tempted to go back to him, remind yourself that you did the right thing, and that you are better off now. Repeat those affirmations, and the reasons from your list! Tell your trusted friend how you feel so they can once again back you up.

        And then one day, you will suddenly realize that you don’t miss him. And then one day, you will realize that it’s been a while since you even forgot to think about him.

        You can do it!

    1. Loopy*

      He is doing great!!! I am kind of in awe of this since I had no idea what I was doing, but the fish forums I found helped me and his tank is cycled.

      Buuuuuut….I don’t do much with him and felt bad today because I met someone who trained her betta to do this and that. I don’t think I’m a natural fish owner (wouldn’t get another, TBH) but he’s healthy!

      I’m not sure if being left to their own devices is necessarily a bad thing?

      1. Canadian Natasha*

        Glad to hear your fish is doing well, Loopy!

        I don’t think fish- especially loner fish like bettas- have a big need for the kind of social contact that a lot of other pets do. So as long as you are providing basic needs (clean water, food, appropriate temperature), have a tank that is not too tiny, and put a few interesting things in the tank for your fish to to swim around/in/out of, he should be pretty content. :) The training thing is more for the benefit of the human, imo.

  35. DoctorateStrange*

    Yesterday, I watched Nanette on Netflix. Later that day, I watched the documentary, Won’t You Be My Neighbor?

    3. Anonymosity*

      I saw Won’t You Be My Neighbor? earlier this week. Used up twice the amount of tissues I did with Infinity War, LOL. But they were happy / emotional tears, not angsty ones. <3

      1. Artemesia*

        I think that scene where he testified before the house committee trying to close down PBS was one of the most amazing things I have ever seen. A wonderful human was Fred Rogers.

  36. Nervous Accountant*

    It’s been a rough few days.

    My moms coming back a month earlier than expected.

    My coworker made a snarky comment to me and I nearly burst in to tears (but didn’t!!!!)….idk if it was just PMS (god I hate that excuse!) or legit.

    I got 2 driving tickets in April and I paid one but still trying to get the other sorted and now I have to appear in court for it.

    My husband got super frustrated at some things and we fought. We made up but it was still rough.
    I called out of work on Friday so that was a nice break.

    My podiatrist recommends low impact exercise like cycling or rowing. He assured me that the pain isn’t from the extra weight but I’m skeptical…I’d the weekly therapy doesn’t work he may give me steroid shots… not sure about that.

    Anyway, so I went to a spin class today after almost a year. Lasted 30 minutes which isn’t so bad. I explained to the instructor what my situation is and she said not to worry, take it at my own pace. So that was great. She’s nice. And there’s parking here which I love. I am crushing hard on Ed Sheeran and just seeing his pix makes me smile. Lol. So silly.

    Now off to Whole Foods (excited!) and get my nails done today. Here’s hoping to a drama free weekend.

    1. brushandfloss*

      I mentioned this in another thread but I don’t know if you saw it, I strongly recommend going to a vascular surgeon to check for venous insufficiency. The swelling and pain are common symptoms especially since you got relief when using compression hose.

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        Hmm OK I may try that if the PT doesn’t work.

        I skipped PT for 2 weeks and it was brutal. The pain travelled up to my back, if it doen’t gt better in a few days I may see the chiro as well, who is in the same office as the foot dr. I honestly don’t know if this is just extra weight or something else. I’m hesitant to see new doctors b/c I feel like they’ll take 1 quick look and say it’s the weight. The podiatrist so far is the only one who hasn’t bugged me about the weight & diabetes. I know very well I have both these issues which I’m trying so hardto work on.

    2. CBE*

      It’s never “just PMS”
      PMS might amplify things, or your response to things, but generally there’s something real at the core of it!

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        Oh I am so glad to hear that! lol… Ive always hated the whole “sorry I’m being mean, I’m PMSing” or “she must be PMS-ing”. I really try not to use that excuse with others for fear of not being taken seriously.

      2. TL -*

        I want to push back on that hard – I have PMS, bad, and I get grumpy (on birth control) and/or angry (off birth control) for absolutely no reason.
        Which I can control and act like an adult, but I have literally woken up hating the world, hating people for being nice to me, hating people for being nothing to me, and hating people for being rude to me. Yesterday, I was grumpy at my (lovely and affectionate) kitty. For existing. Did I act out or allow myself to be rude because of my feelings? No. Did I put myself in a time out until I felt better? Yup.

        It’s not an underlying issue for me; it’s wild hormonal surges and (maybe) cramps/pain making everything feel worse.

        1. Nervous Accountant*

          Omg yes! There are times I’m grumpy and I can’t explain why. The thing is if someone or something upsets me I set it aside until I can determine if it was pms or they were being a jackass. Worst is when it’s both and I err on the side of letting it go.

    3. Kuododi*

      Speaking as another diabetic with thyroid problems…if you end up needing the steroids make sure to keep your endocrinologist informed. Steroids will throw thyroid hormones and blood sugar out of whack. (I learned the hard way after steroid shots in my back). My endocrinologist warned me in advance about the hormone and blood sugar issues so we were able to keep on top of the situation. Good luck..

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        I usually email my endocrinologist any time
        I have to Take a new medicine (even otc supplements lol). I am scared of yet more weight gain & blood sugar craziness. I was getting steroid Shots in my scalp last year for bald patches, the endo said it wouldn’t make a significant difference

  37. Music fan*

    Has anyone here seen Elton John perform live in the past 5 years or so? He’s about to do his farewell tour and I kind of want to see him perform live once in my life, but I’ve watched some YouTube videos of his concerts from 2011 or so and the way he sounds gives me a lot of pause… and decent seats for the farewell tour shows are jaw-droppingly expensive. I hate to even ask this… but does Elton John have enough left that he’s worth paying a boatload of money to see? Thanks in advance.

    1. nep*

      I saw Frank Sinatra when he was well past his prime–but WELL worth it because…he’s Frank Sinatra.
      So I guess it depends on what a big deal it is to you that you’d have the opportunity to be in the presence of Sir Elton John, however the performance goes.

      1. Music fan*

        I think you’re right. If Elton John were playing in some small, intimate venue somewhere, I think it would be amazing no matter what he sounded like. But he’s playing in huge venues that will distort his sound anyway, even if he were in-his-prime, 1975 Elton John. That makes it trickier for me.

        1. A bit of a saga*

          Well, I bought tickets so I guess we will see if it was worth it:-) I’m not a huge fan but he is a legend so it felt worth it to me.

        2. MostCake*

          Just my opinion: No. Not unless you’ve got amazing seats.

          I’ve seen Elton John perform four times, all in the last 20 years, most recently probably 8 years ago in a huge stadium. That performance I recall thinking to myself I would have enjoyed it more on video because it wasn’t worth the ticket cost and all the transportation drama to mostly be looking up at the big screens to actually see his face. He played all his hits, bantered with the audience a bit, and that was really about it, and even though I could clearly see him on the stage – I’m not good at distance but perhaps 12 or so rows back was my seat – I was watching the big screens because it was such a better view. I don’t know what you consider a boatload of money, but I was feeling like I would much rather have stayed home and bought myself something nice.

      2. annakarina1*

        My parents and grandma also saw Sinatra in the 80’s, because one of my uncles is a lawyer that was working for Sinatra at the time and got them tickets. My family loves his music (I’m not as into him anymore, but liked it at family gatherings as a kid), so that was a big thing.

        1. nep*

          Yes–he was huge in my family. Especially for my dad–biggest.Sinatra.fan.ever. This is how I got to know Sinatra’s music. There are a handful of his songs I absolutely love to this day.
          One time there was a Sinatra song playing at a produce store I go to. I was going to tell the young (quite young) woman at the cash register she could keep the change if she could name that singer. (I’m sure it’s against policy for these employees to take any cash like that, but just for kicks and to see if she knew.) But the song ended just before it was my turn in line.

    2. WellRed*

      I haven’t but he played in my city recently and by all accounts knocked it out of the park, according to friends and reviews.

      1. Music fan*

        There’s a 2016 San Francisco concert on YouTube where Elton sounds incredible. There are several concerts posted from several years earlier where he sounds croaky and kind of awful. But at the prices I’m seeing now (like $800 on the secondary market for two good seats), this idea probably is a nonstarter anyway. Maybe the prices will come down closer to the shows I’m potentially interested in.

    3. Fiennes*

      I saw him 5-6 years ago and frankly was underwhelmed. He didn’t sound bad exactly—just bored, like he was phoning it in. The excellence of his music made it more fun than not, but it wasn’t anything like what I would’ve hoped for.

    4. Windchime*

      I just saw Elton John in May. He doesn’t sound like the Elton John of 30 years ago, or even how he sounded when I saw him 10 years ago. But the show was spectacular and I’m glad I went. The set and stage are amazing and he sang many of the old favorites. It was a packed house and I’m glad I went.

      It was a good time. Because I live in the PNW, Vegas is a quick, 2-hour flight so we went down in the morning, saw EJ that night, and flew home the next day. We stayed right there at Caesar’s so it couldn’t have been easier.

      1. Windchime*

        Another note — we paid about $200 per ticket. We were in the “Rear Orchestra” in section 4 and I was really happy with our seats.

    5. mreasy*

      I got tickets as an anniversary gift and could not be more excited. But yeah…I couldn’t afford to have bought them myself!

  38. En vivo*

    My husband and I took a road trip to Ohio last Saturday, and it was great! It was our first time there; we visited Cambridge, Zanesville, and Columbus. Cambridge has a very nostalgic feel to it which we absolutely loved. Zanesville is a small town, but not nostalgic feeling, and we had a wonderful BBQ lunch there. Columbus is a nice sized town where we saw an interesting statue of a deer with his front legs resting on a railing. I sent a photo of the statue to my mom , and she thought it was a real deer that was about to harm itself by jumping into the water below!! Really :D We enjoyed Ohio.

  39. LGC*

    Weekly running thread, anyone?

    I have a…slight dilemma on my hands this week. I mentioned my best friend last month. The good news is that he did well at the 5k a couple of weeks ago and now he’s hyped to do more! So he’s planning to at least do our half in September and possibly NJ Marathon next year.

    The only problem is, he’s asked me a LOT of stuff and I’ve been mentally trying to recover from this spring. Now I know how non-runners feel when they talk to runners! For my part, I’ve been supportive but also trying to explain how I run (like, you know, I don’t go at race speed for all my runs because that’d be painful, you need to work your way up, most people don’t run marathon distance for their long runs, stuff like that).

    1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      Wow, that would be a big ramp-up in a short amount of time (for the half, anyway – still plenty of time for the marathon if it’s next April). I wish him luck!

      It’s funny, I would love to talk about all those things with a running novice. What I wouldn’t want to do is actually run with them. I like running as a solitary activity to collect all my thoughts, and I find it stressful when I can’t keep my own pace. I’m either too slow or much too fast for the few people who have ever wanted to run with me!

      For my part, I’m just bummed that I couldn’t run this morning. It was 63 degrees and breezy after being humid soup all week, but I was due at work at 8:30 am. I’m going to try to run after work, which I thought would be unthinkable in July, but it sounds like it’s going to be the same temperature as I was running in all this week anyway with about one-quarter the humidity.

      1. LGC*

        I mean, it should be feasible since he’s been doing some mileage. He’s mostly aiming to be able to do it, which is a lower bar (okay, he’s aiming for roughly 2:10 or so).

        I think it’s more that I was a little burned out the past couple of weeks – in the span of three months I did two half marathons, a full, a 10k, a 5k, and a mile race. (Also, a BQ and AQ for NYC twice. #humblebrag) And then my life was pretty hectic at the same time. It was…pretty intense. I’m pretty happy to talk running normally, it’s just that I just needed a break!

        (Also, he messages me quite a bit while I’m at work.)

      2. Justin*

        Oh man today’s run was so nice. I did 17, longest since my last marathon, and part of my longest week (70) in a year and a half. We won’t get many more weekend days like this!

        1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

          This weather seriously needs to be bottled up and saved for end of August into September, when my mileage starts to get into the high double digits. I’m kind of a wuss when it comes to heat, though this week was not as horrendously awful as I was fearing running-wise.

          1. LGC*

            For real though! I’m hoping this holds up for tomorrow at least. And I kind of wish this weather came in yesterday.

            (To loop into the work open thread, that’s partly why I felt guilty about coming in as normal – I was at a club workout then, so I could have just shifted to after work on my own! It was…gross and humid, but at least I got it done.

      3. runner*

        Weird question, especially for the guys – what are your favorite running tights? And do you wear underwear under them? are you comfortable wearing them with no shorts on top? I’m taking this class and what I have is too baggy.

        2. LGC*

          Clearly, the fact that my router decided to shut off when I posted this the first time means that I probably shouldn’t be posting this.

          Anyway. So, I’m a dude. I’m also 6’5″ and have pretty long legs (like, 36 inseam). Pants are frustrating to buy, to say the least. (So are long-sleeve shirts. I’ll go up from a M short sleeve/singlet to an XL long-sleeve for race shirts, to give you an idea of what I’m dealing with.) My experience is totally my own.

          I have a couple of pairs of Old Navy Active winter tights that I rotate through in the winter (and I don’t think they make them anymore, which makes me so upset). I don’t usually wear shorts with them unless I REALLY need extra pockets, and sometimes I’ll go commando if it’s not below freezing. But they’re also designed to be an outer layer – something that’s more base-layer (i.e., thinner material) I would definitely wear unlined shorts over them. Basically, if they could conceivably pass for a pair of boxer briefs (for example, they have visible stitching on the crotch), they don’t count as official pants in my opinion.

          But it’s a surprisingly thin line! I’ve seen dudes in what I think amounts to underwear (in my opinion), but I’m not actually inspecting and I guess it works for them.

    2. CheeryO*

      That sounds rewarding, but also exhausting! Maybe you can gift him a couple good training books to take some of the burden off yourself.

      As for me, the heat was pretty terrible this week, but I took everything super slow and got through it. My 12 miler this morning in upper 60s was practically a religious experience! I think I’ll take advantage of another cool morning tomorrow and do some trails for my recovery run.

      1. LGC*

        I probably should. I did toss him a couple of links to Runner’s World writeups about running your first half/first full, but I’ve been trying to not say “YOU SHOULD DO THIS AND ALSO THIS,” since I want to avoid sounding like I’m berating him.

        (And also, I…really hate structure myself! The one thing I’m glad about is that my coach only sketches out three workouts per week, and is like, “Yeah, run easy the other three days, but hit X and Y.” I’d go insane if I had three or four months’ worth of runs planned out. I’m a terrible marathoner, guys.)

        I just got back from running 10k after work, and it was amazing. This week, I think I was about 30-45 seconds per mile slower on my easy runs (which…is a lot for me), and then I actually ended up running a bit faster than normal today. I was barely sweating. I felt like a civilized human being when I was done. I’d like to keep this feeling.

        (And then I looked at the forecast and it’s supposed to be back up to 95 on Tuesday. Lovely. At least tomorrow’s supposed to be similar to today for the destination run I have planned.)

    3. Red*

      Oh dear lord, I have a 10k next weekend. I can’t run a 5k without stopping for a walking break. I don’t know why I signed up for this! I don’t know if I can do this! What am I even thinking?!

      It’s going to be an interesting time in my life.

      1. LGC*

        You’ll do fine. I mean, it’s not like you’re running a half marathon on no organized training. Three weeks after a bike accident that nearly sent you to the hospital. And the day after two of your friends had birthday parties – one in New York City and then the other out in New Jersey. And you went to both of them.

        (I’ve recounted this story multiple times. The usual reaction is, “you were kind of a dumbass.” That is…tough, but fair.)

        But seriously, you’ll be fine! Although I do have to question your judgment for running a 10k in July. (I mean, IIRC Peachtree is July 4 in Atlanta, but other than that…)

        1. LGC*

          (And that’s just to say Peachtree is the only time I’d personally consider doing a 10k in July because it’s an experience, and I would be fine with racing and turning into even more of a disgusting sweat monster than I usually do in the summer. Your mileage may vary.)

        2. Red*

          There is no judgement here to question, lol. All I know is my friend said she has a great time every year, I decided “you know what, I should go too!”, she encouraged my recklessness, and here we are. Thank you for the encouragement and reassurances, and I promise you I will have a story for you next weekend :)

  40. many bells down*

    Well it’s been quite a week for me.
    – One of our best friends called at midnight asking for a ride to the hospital because he was suddenly in horrific pain. They think it was a kidney stone, but while they were scanning him they found a huge mass on his other kidney. He had an MRI this week and now they want to “urgently” follow up with him Monday. He’s not even 40.

    – I volunteer at a museum. The other docent I work with has been out for weeks due to an illness. I learned yesterday that he’s gone into hospice. Pulmonary failure.

    – My cardiologist confirmed that I need a pulmonary valve replacement in the next 6 months. I have the same thing Jimmy Fallon’s kid has; if you’ve seen the recent news about the Harmony valve that can be placed via catheter, my hospital offers that but I’m unfortunately not a candidate. So it’s a second open-heart surgery for me. The doctors keep telling me that I’m “young and healthy” and I’m like … do they know I’m 45? I’m not really “young.” Anyway I feel very old right now. I want the valve! I’m really slowing down and I can’t exercise hardly at all. I just don’t really want the surgery and I’m weirded out that the scar I’ve had my whole life will be different. Also, I have to have my wisdom teeth out before they’ll do it (huge route for infection, so any dental work has to be done before OHS) and I’m totally freaked out by THAT, even more than by major surgery.

    So yeah.

    1. fposte*

      Wow, mbd, that’s a hell of a list. Good thoughts for you, your fellow docent, and your friend. I also like to note that people generally don’t tell their uneventful wisdom teeth removal stories, and for many of us it was a non-event–hopefully it will be like that for you.

      1. many bells down*

        Three of mine are even fully erupted, so it should be a breeze, right? I have no phobia of the dentist or anything. No idea why it’s freaking me out so much.

        1. fposte*

          Dunno about you, but when I have a pile of stuff going on, it’s semi-random what the stress focuses on.

        2. Windchime*

          Mine were fully erupted and I had them out at the dentist. They basically fell out into his hand with just a little bit of pulling. Hopefully your experience will be similar.

          I’m sorry about all the upsetting news you’ve had. Sounds like a very rough week. :(

    2. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      Oh wow. Sorry to read all of this. I’m in my late 30s and have already seen a couple of my friends, close to my age or younger, get a cancer diagnosis. It terrifies me, especially since I haven’t even been to a doctor myself in years and can’t bring myself to go.

      As for wisdom teeth, I second fposte’s comment — I’ve had all of them out and it’s honestly not much different than any other dental work, for better or for worse. You’ll be numbed for the procedure itself, and I had mouth pain for about two days afterward.

      1. many bells down*

        We lost another friend a few months ago, the fiancee of an old friend of my husband’s. 32 years old, four weeks after she discovered she had cancer. And, the museum lost a very popular long-term employee just last year to cancer. This has been a rough year.

      2. Annie Moose*

        Yeah, when I had my wisdom teeth out, I didn’t even end up filling my painkiller prescription. Regular Tylenol worked fine for me. I think a lot more people have “not that bad” experiences than you’d think based on the horror stories out there!

      3. Epsilon Delta*

        I had a not-great wisdom tooth removal experience, but I can’t think of anyone else I know who had problems. I think it is fairly rare to have issues, beyond maybe one round of dry sockets.

    3. Detective Amy Santiago*

      Sending you positive vibes.

      Is there some planetary alignment that is throwing things into chaos? My mom had a similar week, with one thing after another just piling on.

    4. Rebecca*

      Hugs and best wishes to you and your friend. I’m sorry this is happening!

      If it helps, I had my wisdom teeth out with Novacaine in the chair, no gas or other anesthesia, and they were impacted. I’m a big dental crybaby, and it wasn’t as bad as everyone led me to think, so keep that in mind. I was sore for a few days, no bruising to speak of.

      Keeping good thoughts for you and hope this all works out!

    5. sleepwakehopeandthen*

      Getting my wisdom teeth out was super chill. I got them out on a Wednesday and gave a valedictorian speech at my high school graduation on Friday and everything went fine. I didn’t even use any of the strong painkillers they gave me–I think one day of regular Tylenol and then I was fine. (I mean, I did look like a chipmunk in all of my high school graduation pictures so I might not RECOMMEND that specific series of events, but overall it was fine.)

      1. many bells down*

        I teach public speaking on Tuesdays and Thursdays in the fall, so I’m hoping to get it done on a Friday morning and be back at work by Tuesday afternoon. We’ll see how I do, I guess.

    6. LGC*

      …holy hell.

      I’m really sorry for everything going on with your friend and the other docent – that’s terrible! And I hope that your things go smoothly as well. Sending you well wishes!

    7. Observer*

      What a week!

      The good news part – pulling wisdom teeth doesn’t have to be a disaster. And your Kidney friend may wind up doing very well – as long as that mass is still in his kidney, they can take the whole thing out. Not terrific, but afterwards, you can generally get on with life without too much trouble.

    8. neverjaunty*

      You are hereby excused from having anything else go wrong in life until at least September.

    9. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      Sending a hug. won’t do a comparison (bad week too, thus my many comments today instead of dealing with my reality)….
      but here’s my top recommendations:
      * know that you can only do one thing at a time, keep a list and don’t carry “other worries” or “to-dos” in your brain. Download them and let them go.
      * be gentle with yourself. Don’t do anything that reeks of “Should/ought/others expectations” until this phase passes.
      * Pick one nice thing a day to do for yourself (I’ve been reading a murder mystery – not the “best” use of my time but riveting and gets me “out of my life” mentally for a much-needed break). Your choice may vary, but pick a non-harmful indulgence/ good break…

    10. Mallory*

      On the bright side, 45 *is* young and healthy for open heart surgery! My grandmother is 88 and had OHS at 84 and again at 87. She was “healthy” (relatively speaking) but did not have age on her side. Her choice was essentially have the surgery (high risk) or have a ticking time bomb (throw a clot at any time, stroke out and die). She pulled through marvelously and is halfway to 89.

  41. Rzr*

    Any women here who use electric razors to shave their legs? Do you use a men’s razor or women’s? I’ve been considering buying a rotary razor (designed for men) to use on my legs but I have no idea what makes a good razor or what to look for!

    I’m also worried the shave won’t be as close as using something like a safety razor or regular razor. Thank you!

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I had an old three head men’s shaver. I think it was a Norelco. I really liked it. It never bit me, which was great. It was a plug in the wall kind, not battery. The thing worked each time every time, unlike women’s razors. I could have saved a lot of bucks if I had made the switch much earlier. Well worth it.

      1. Rzr*

        Do you find that you have stubble after you shave? I’m super pale and have darkish hair so it I have a bit, it shows.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Same with me- pale skin/dark hair. Nope, it was fine. If an area was a little rough I just did it a second time.

          1. Anonymosity*

            I wanted to try this too–that’s good to know. I figure if it works on tough beard hair it would work on my leg hair.
            I haaaaaaate shaving in the shower, especially in winter, and I’m tired of buying razor cartridges all the time. They just keep getting more expensive and they don’t last long at all. Plus they’re all surrounded with that lubricant strip that just makes scads of disgusting goo. Just give me five blades and I’ll use the soap!!

    3. Thlayli*

      I have one but it’s not a rotary one. It’s designed for legs and has interchangeable heads that make it a razor, an epilator and an exfoliator.

      It works well.

        1. Thlayli*

          There’s lots of 3 in 1 epilators out there. I think mine is a Philips satin ice 3 in 1. Aside from the 3 in 1 aspect it also has an ice pack you put in freezer and then connect to the epilator which really helps with the pain. If you are looking for an epilators, I would highly recommend you look for one with an ice pack. However it’s plug in and can’t be used in water – some other epilators/razors are rechargeable and / or can be used in the bath. It’s also fixed width – some others have narrow attachments for small areas. So do your research and figure out which features are most important to you.

    4. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      I may look at the epilator. I have been using (for 3 years) the Panasonic curved top one (not the 3 rotating heads – I actually used SO’sas a trial first and hated it). I don’t clot as well as I should and every nick was a problem. Mayonnaise white skin, dark hair… if I zip it over the legs regularly I’m fine. Bonus, I can use it after I get dressed so I only have to deal with the legs that show in the summer. Super sensitive skin, and no razor burn, either.

  42. Myrin*

    For someone who is the most boring person on the planet, my life has always had a decidedly Mr Bean-esque quality to it. Today in the series of bizarre happenstances that I call my life:

    I moved a can of hairspray. Literally didn’t do anything else with it, it didn’t touch anything but my hand, I didn’t shake it, turn it around, anything. But suddenly, it started spraying! But not from the top part, oh no!

    There was a tiny hole in it near its bottom and it was spraying for all its worth. I tried to stop it – which my sister later informed was actively dangerous because apparently you can get burns from that kind of pressure; which makes sense but didn’t occur to me at all during that moment – but realised very fast that it was futile. At that time, it had already sprayed all of my thigh, all of my arm, and a good part of floor in a one metre radius all around me. Deciding that I couldn’t do anything but accept my fate, I just kind of dangled the can, aiming it at the ground so that it would at least hit only one place and not the whole aisle.

    After it was over, I probably looked like I’d gotten into a mild tornado: my complete left side was soaked, my black jeans white-ish because it had taken the brunt, the hairs on my arm standing up pointedly, my hand a bizarre sticky mess, and the floor around me a mixture of a puddle and dewy marble. But wait, it was hairspray! So by the time I tried to frantically clean it from everywhere, it had already become hard! So not only were my clothes’ left sides stiff and sticky, so was everything else that got sprayed on! I could only watch helplessly as people walked through it and wondered about the sudden squishiness of their shoes and the black footprints they were leaving. The washing machine just stopped; I’m excited to see if there’ll be any lasting damage.

    I’ve never held an empty can of hairspray before. It’s weirdly light.

    1. Thursday Next*

      Thank you for that entertaining account! I love Mr. Bean. I’m sure it wasn’t fun when it happened, but your telling of it was excellent!

    2. Daphne*

      I’m sorry you went through that but I loved your retelling of it! I also feel that, despite my boring life on paper, my awkwardness/clumsiness combined with public facing job could be turned into a sitcom.

    3. Anonymosity*

      I’m really sorry but I am laughing my ass off. Thank you for sharing that.

  43. Anonymous ED Question*

    [This is not a real question. My handle is Anonymous ED Question because I’m keeping the handle I used when I posted about my father’s binge-eating last weekend.]

    I saw my parents on July 4. My dad binged. He kept falling asleep sitting up. I think I’m going to have the “I’m worried about you and here are some professionals’ phone numbers” talk with him tomorrow night. Maybe I will do it by phone tonight. He seems very depressed, his physical health is worrying, and he’s still binge-eating. I could kind of use a pep-talk.

    1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Has your dad been screened for sleep apnea? The falling asleep sitting thing suggests it and being overweight is a risk factor. Because sleep apnea really increases your risk of dying. You likely can’t force him but your dad seeing his PCP (esp if his PCP is more rigorous/strict) and maybe a nutritionist would be helpful. But I don’t know that you can make someone else who’s an adult do those things.

      1. Anonymous ED Question*

        He was diagnosed with sleep apnea by a doctor who specializes in it. But he saw someone else who said he “might not have it” and suggested a new test. He hasn’t taken the new test.

        He has a very good doctor. She’s quite blunt, in a kind way, and she is rigorous. I think a nutritionist might help, too. He probably needs a counselor or psychologist most.

        You’re right: I can’t force an adult to do things. I can try to talk to him, but that’s about it, unless something changes radically.

        1. Saskia*

          I’m sorry your dad is not looking after himself. My suggestion, if you would like one, is to get support for yourself, and to encourage your mother to seek support as well.

    2. recovering in that program*

      I hear what you are saying.
      Please accept my sympathy.
      This is painful.
      He may or not be able to hear what you are saying.
      This is an addiction. Like alcohol. Like drugs.
      Please take care of yourself.

      1. Anonymous ED Question*

        Thank you for your kind words. I get that it’s an addiction – I have had problems with disordered eating in the past, although mine were different and less severe. I hope something helps.

  44. anonsy*

    I’m in the process of writing a victim impact statement. And I’m stuck. I’ve researched online and read other statements and seen the guidelines of what needs to go into mine, but I’m hoping some of the wonderful AAM commentariat has some advice or words of wisdom for me.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Start with statements of facts.
      At x time on y day I had ABC happen to me.
      When this happened I was Z years old, I work X hours per week and have Y responsibility in my home life.
      Since ABC happened here is what I have had to do: (items 1-?)
      I have lost DEF. Because of no DEF, then (problems 1-?)
      Since ABC, I have also experienced problems with, G, H and I. Additionally, all this has cost me $X in bills, lost work, etc.
      My family has been impacted through these events because now we cannot do Activities 1-? or they too feel unsafe so we must do Activities 1-?.

      I hope this makes some kind of sense. 1-? represents how ever many items you have to list. Could be 2 items , it could be 20 or more.
      Activities can be a one time precautionary step such as installing security around your home or it can be an on-going process such as where a family member refuses to be alone and wants someone with them at all times. It could be that you need on-going counseling for an undetermined period of time. Be sure to state where something is on-going and if there is no end time, state that there is no definite end time.

      The District Attorney’s office might have a victims advocate who would be able to help you with this in a more personalized manner than what I have written here.

  45. Free Meerkats*

    Costume update!

    Three of five major sewn pieces are finished, just need to set sleeves and hem a fourth, and the last will only take a couple of hours at most. Sewing should be finished this weekend.

    The major prop has the hard parts finished; wiring, making a battery pack, assembly of 3D printed parts and paint on them done. I need to do some more sanding and paint on another part of it; that will take a week due to paint curing time. Assembly of that prop will take a couple of hours.

    I need to dye some cord for an accessory, picking up the dye today. Then a few hours making that accessory. I need to make shoe covers.

    And the second prop will be using materials and techniques I’m new to. If it doesn’t work and I can’t use it I won’t be gutted, but the visual impact will be less.

    I’m meeting another costuming guild member for lunch on Monday to talk about the presentation. Then another for coffee before the next meeting for the same reason. I’m great in coming up with concepts and making stuff, showing them effectively is a weakness.

    The main hall costume is finished and ready to go. It was beyond my abilities, so a friend made it for me.

    5 weeks until I leave for the con, I should make it!

    1. Ladyb*

      After seeing your last costume I can’t wait to see what you are creating this time

    3. Free Meerkats*

      I messed up the pockets on the major piece. :-l So I need to rip out about 6 feet of seams and fix the problem, then resew the seams. I didn’t include them when I made the muslin, and they aren’t on the pattern, so I was winging it. It’s an easy fix,just frustrating.

  46. Emma*

    Since I’ve signed up to Bumble, I figure I may as well try the BFF feature as well.
    Man, it’s even weirder than looking online for a date. Since you can’t filter by interests there’s so much swiping to do.
    I don’t understand women who leave their profile on BFF blank. I don’t imagine many people pick their friends by looks? I mean TBH I’d be fine with profiles that only had a list of interests since unlike looking for a date I don’t need to be attracted to them.
    Also, if most people are using the same photos for dating and friending profiles, I feel like the only women on there who’s not holding a glass of wine in at least one photo.
    Sigh, wasn’t this meant to make things easier? Why do I have so much trouble finding a connection?

    1. En vivo*

      Some (most/many?) look for friends who look like them. Imagine the surprise if a person totally connected with someone based on the profile only, met the person, and the person didn’t look ‘same’ to them. I don’t know if it’s conscious or not.

    2. many bells down*

      Yeah I’ve been trying Bumble BFF too and it’s really frustrating. Plus, it’s really hard to find someone in my area that doesn’t have “hiking” on their profile lol. And as far as I can tell, it only shows you friends of the same gender, but I don’t mind making friends with men.

      I like MeetMe’s “discussion” feature, that’s like a Facebook feed, but MeetMe in general is pretty garbage. 99% of dudes will assume you’re there for dating no matter how clearly you make your profile say you just want friends. I get at least 6 Nigerian scammers a day. I’ve met half a dozen cool people there, but that’s after 2 years and hundreds of garbage messages.

      1. WellRed*

        I feel like hiking is the default activity to show how well rounded and active you are..even if you just went that one time and it didn’t suck so you could probably do it again if someone really wanted you too but if no one ever asked again, you’d never miss it.

  47. Newtothisgame*

    I joined Tinder a few months ago (posted here for advice). After a few false starts I’ve met a guy a couple of times, we’re texting daily and he wants to see me again. I’m quite excited, he seems really nice and we’ve spent a good few hours chatting both times we’ve met.
    So, I’m kinda hoping some of the lovely people here might have some tips on dating, my ex was not one for dates so my experience with this sort of thing is a bit limited!

    1. annakarina1*

      Just enjoy it and have fun, and don’t have high expectations. I met my last boyfriend on OKCupid, and we dated for a year, and I’ve been getting dates this year from OKC, Bumble, Coffee Meets Bagel, and real life. They’ve all been first dates, so not a lot of further progress, but at least it’s been nice to date more regularly.

      You can find a happy middle ground of stuff you two would like to do, and hopefully vibe off of your chemistry. I wish you the best!

  48. Merci Dee*

    Borax for the laundry. I have absolutely fallen in love.

    So, my daughter is 13 years old, and this summer she has just been beaten like crazy with the puberty stick (bosoms and periods, oy!), and that comes with that funky and acrid change in the smell of her sweat. You know what I mean – when she was little, she smelled like a puppy when she got sweaty, but now there’s a sharp smell to her sweat that regular detergent doesn’t seem to completely wash away. But adding borax to the wash has been Luke a miracle. It gets out the funky teen sweat smell, and any other odd odors that clothes pick up from the world. It’s successfully removed cigarette smell from second-hand fabric, that musty smell from my seasonal clothes switch, and odors from slip-on tennis shoes we wear without socks. I’m totally loving this stuff, and totally get why my grandmother always had a box of 20 Mule Team borax on hand.

    Any other laundry treatments you swear by? I’m especially looking for something that works well on blood. Kiddo had a nose bleed the other day, and I treated her shirt with Spray and Wash, but it didn’t remove all of the stain. I didn’t dry the shirt, so there’s still a chance to get it clean. I just don’t want to have to treat and wash a million times before it’s gone.

    2. Ruffingit*

      Hydrogen peroxide is awesome at removing blood from clothing, carpet, etc. I learned this from blood bank employees when I donated blood once and bled through my jacket. Worked like a charm. I will say that it can sometimes cause yellowing in the fabric so test it in an inconspicuous spot first.

      I’m also a huge fan of Gain fabric softener. Makes me clothes smell amazing even after drying and wearing for a day or two.

      Thanks for the Borax tip! Totally adding that to the grocery list today!

      1. IntoTheSarchasm*

        +1 on the peroxide for blood. I mixed it with Dawn or another detergent and it worked well.

      2. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

        +1 on the hydrogen peroxide for blood. Sometimes applying it directly with a metal spoon curved against the stain spot on the other side, helps.
        And, yes, have added Borax for years.
        Brake cleaner (works on the filter in the hood over your stove, too, btw)
        Also, some stains do require Biz. I like it better than OxyClean.
        I have a basket with toothbrush, Fels Naptha, Dawn, Whisk, a stiffer brush, box of Biz, all “next to” the Borax. And a bucket for soaking (no laundry room sink), because time and/or sunshine also help with older stains.

        I just wrote a response somewhere above about laundry – I can restate part of it if you want.
        Mom was the supervisor for a huge home for children with disabilities, and attended seminars and training on laundry. I grew up with the stain chart on the wall to the left of the washer, as a reference item (it was laminated), and a shelf of the variety of treatments. Was doing laundry at the age of 8, sorting by weight and color before that.
        LOL. Egalitarian household. Mom’s rule was, if you wanted to wear something that required ironing, you ironed it. We all learned how to iron as soon as it was safe. And we all spot treated our own clothes, and took our week (it rotated) with the laundry. No gender variation. (Rare in that decade).

    3. Not So NewReader*

      I use pet spray on natural stains such as blood or grass. Nature’s Miracle is great, but spendy. There are cheaper products of the same breed, an enzyme stain remover type thing.

      Borax is also great on floors. The first time I used it the bucket water was BLACK. I don’t mean grey/dirty looking I mean jet black.

    4. epi*

      Are you familiar with Jolie Kerr/Ask A Clean person? She has been doing a cleaning advice column for years, at various sites, that is delightful. She is how I learned about borax. Sweat, blood, and whitening are perennial topics for her. She’s been doing the column so long that you can probably find an answer to your specific laundry dilemma, if you search for her.

      I would say two things for blood: rinse with cold water as soon as possible. This is something your daughter should be starting to do for herself. Get her a small drying rack or something so she can let the underwear dry privately before throwing in the laundry, if she finds this embarrassing. Then if there is still a visible stain, pretreat with an Oxi Clean soak. You can throw a few things in there an hour or the night before laundry, and again not be singling out her underwear. Then wash as usual, Oxi Clean or borax optional. Don’t put it in the dryer until you’ve inspected and are sure the stain is gone– the heat from the dryer will set the stain and make it even harder to remove.

    5. Gatomon*

      I’ve always used Dawn (or whatever dish soap you have) on blood stains. You may have to do some scrubbing, but it has saved quite a few things for me. Just make sure it’s well rinsed before it goes back in the washer because of the bubbles.

    6. Notthemomma*

      You may not believe this, but brake cleaner from the automotive area. When I first tried it, it got out stains that had been in for YEARS! grease, oil, that sweaty dirt shirt ring. It hasn’t discolored anything I’ve used it on and it leaves no smell or after effects after a regular wash. And I have tried every pre treatment option out there.

    8. HannahS*

      Dish soap. I rub a bit on the underarms of my t shirts if they have deodorant gunk that isn’t coming clean and it comes right out.

    9. Earthwalker*

      We used to scrub black oil off vehicles and come home with black oil stains all over our clothes, sometimes (if it was a trip) on good clothes. Someone tipped us off that if you rub waterless hand cleaner into the oil stains before putting the stained article into the washer and dryer, the black will come right out. Works like a charm.

    10. Forrest Rhodes*

      My brother the ex-paramedic told me that he and colleagues always used plain old 3% hydrogen peroxide on bloodstains. Dampen the stain with cool-to-warm water, pour on the hydrogen peroxide (be generous), self-scrub the fabric, and rinse; do this a couple of times if needed. Then throw the garment into the regular wash.
      I’ve found this method also works on chocolate drips and some oily stains (butter, etc.).

    11. curly sue*

      Spit actually works tremendously well on small blood stains – I’ve done the ‘prick, swear and spit’ routine when hand sewing way, way too many times, and it gets the blood out nicely.

    12. Artemesia*

      Oxyclean is amazing. I use cloth napkins and so regularly have tomato or chocolate or berry juice or wine on them. I always go through the stack and spray stains before washing and they come out perfectly clean. My husband uses black t-shirts as undershirts most of the time and over time even though he generally isn’t stinky and uses deodorent they get built up sweat, discoloration, smell in the pits. A laundry soak very couple of months with enzyme soaker like Oxyclean or Biz followed by draining and then washing as normal with detergent, totally gets them back to clean. I also take a look at his polo shirts before laundry and spray any greasy drips or spots — it has even worked on shirts that went through the dryer without this being done and works pretty well on these old grease spots.

  49. The Curator*

    Its a beautiful day here in Minnesota.
    I have a few hours of the “thing that shall not be named” just revising therefore I can do it tucked in on the back porch. A link is in my name. It is less “thing that shall not be named” and more of an avocation and a thing I do at night and on weekends. It is totally voluntary and not part of my job.
    A cousin who we haven’t seen in a while will be visiting overnight and I am looking forward to her company.
    I have a memorial to go to tomorrow morning, a Voldemort thing in the afternoon, and a Voldemort dinner Sunday night.
    I am luxerating in having this whole beautiful day to myself.

  50. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

    On a different note, does anyone have adjunct professor experience? What’s it like? Someone recommended me to their department dean. Thinking online courses at night. Thoughts?

    1. Ruffingit*

      I was an adjunct for a year at a local community college. Might be different at a University. I loved it because I love teaching, but I will say the pay is not commensurate with the amount of work you will put in. I taught a few courses in person, during the day and in the evening. Prep work and grading, etc is just way out of proportion to the money you make. But, if it’s not a primary source of income, then I’d say go for it.

    2. Marge Gunderson*

      I really enjoy doing it! But it is not good money. There is so much outside work that my hourly dissipates down to below minimum wage some quarters because lesson planning is a time killer. I have taught both online and in person and I’ve liked both quite a bit, and depending on what you would teach you might be able to make it worthwhile for you financially.

    3. Victoria, Please*

      Connect with the local teaching & learning center or eLearning group or what have you. They will have tons of resources and will fall all over themselves trying to help you.

      As others have said, the pay will suck, and you will get almost no respect from department colleagues, if they know you exist at all. Do it because you like it, or want a little extra pin money.

      1. Bibliovore*

        The money looks good in a lump sum as a side gig.
        The money is terrible if you average the hours you spend teaching, prepping, grading, and responding to students.
        On-line is a time suck. If it is “real time” it is easier.
        Get access to the technology (maybe blackboard) and practice before the class starts.
        Establish office hours so that there isn’t a 24/7 expectation of availability.
        Prepare rubrics for assignments so that it isn’t a mystery on “how to get an A”
        Prepare a syllabus then subtract 1/4. That is what you can realistically cover in a semester.
        If this is a class that has been previously taught, ask for the syllabus.
        Get a mentor colleague from the institution.

    4. Jenny F. Scientist*

      Yes. I have an unusually good gig with great colleagues, great hours, great pay, and almost no prep. HOWEVER. Unless you’re given all the course materials in advance, you can generally expect to spend about 4-5 hours of prep/grading per hour of class time. And I’m sure you already know this, but adjunct gigs almost never lead to full-time jobs at that school or anywhere.

      Good luck!

      1. Artemesia*

        Not only do you have little chance of being hired full time at a University but adjunct status probably lessens that chance as it perversely devalues you. You are the person they could hire for very little to do the work after all. Dumb, but true.

    5. Artemesia*

      I used to hire adjuncts both for graduate classes that met once a week evenings for 3 hours and for undergrad classes that met 2 or 3 times a week for a either 90 minutes twice or an hour 3 times a week. The prep time the first time you teach is enormous. The paper grading, student feedback, being available for office hours etc is also time consuming. Adjuncts are grossly underpaid. I had to work hard to get the floor lifted to $3000 a class and tried my best to get 3500 or 4000 for my better qualified people, but it was a real struggle to do so. A single evening class once a week can be fun but undergrad classes during the day are much more arduous and grossly undercompensated. Adjuncts also have no real place to hang their hat. When we had an office available we would set it up for adjuncts to share, but often we didn’t and they would share one or two carrels in a grad student area.

      If you are doing it for interest and on top of your career then it is worth doing; it is a tough tough way to make a living and people trying to do that often work at several colleges and run themselves ragged for a poverty level income with no benefits. For graduate work in the professions some adjuncts do it to network. Their students are often adults in their field and the adjunct becomes a natural choice for when they hire consultants or need to hire professional help. Some think that having their status on their resume also makes them more attractive professionally which is particularly true if they are associated with a prestigious institution.

  51. Melody Pond*

    Alison, is it just me, or is my post with a livejournal link not even making it to moderation? I’ve tried twice, and it looks like it’s just disappearing, rather than going to moderation. I realize that livejournal links can probably be sketchy – but I’m trying to provide some helpful links to resources for menstrual cups in a thread up above.

      1. CAA*

        Is there a way to configure the commenting engine so it notifies people that their comment is awaiting moderation? This seems to come up quite often.

        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          For some reason if you enter an email address in the email field, the screen will display a notification that your comment is waiting to moderated, but if you don’t, it won’t.

          1. Melody Pond*

            Oh, how funny! That explains my confusion. I think I cleared all cookies out, a while back, so it erased my email address, when it’s normally stored. I’ll add my email back in, so I can see the notice about moderation next time.

            Sorry for my confusion!

  52. PookieLou*

    Dear sewing/cosplay enthusiasts: I need feedback on a costume idea for an upcoming convention. I am fairly new to cosplay, and I am an okay seamstress.

    I’ve always wanted to do Bjork’s swan dress from the 2002 Oscars. I’ve read a lot of tutorials, and it looks easy enough as long as I put in the time. First priority is that it looks great, but I also need to keep the spending as low as possible. (I have some money on a JoAnn gift card, so I hope to buy my fabric there to cut down on costs.)

    My issue is with fabric. The best-looking swan dress costumes use about 65 yards of tulle for the skirt. I am wondering if there’s another material that would give me a similar look and not require as much yardage? Could I get that fluffy, feathery effect with less fabric if I used a light muslin? Could I layer light muslin or something gauzy with tulle, to use less tulle but still get that look? What about a 100% cotton? I’ve never done something like this, and I’m used to working with heavier fabrics, so I don’t know what I should invest in.

    1. Yetanotherjennifer*

      Tulle also provides structure that muslin would not. I could give you a better answer if I saw the tutorial you want to use. But you could mix muslin or a summery cotton gauze with the tulle. I like the idea of a cotton gauze because it has more of a wrinkly texture than muslin and is softer. Peasant-style skirts are sometimes made out of it and it’s considered a summer fabric so it will be on sale soon, if not already. Also check and see if you have any fabric warehouses near you for a better deal. And you can get the best JoAnn coupons on their phone app, but they usually exclude sale items. I’d also check ebay and even put out a call to your friends to see if anyone has a wedding veil they’d like to get rid of.

      Have you ever sewn tulle? It is…fussy. I had a rule when my daughter was small that I’d only make a costume with tulle every other year. It helps to use strips of light weight tissue paper as a seam stabilizer than then rip-off.

      1. PookieLou*

        Good point about the structure. Are there varieties of tulle that are better than others?Would it help to have some stiffer fabric for support (crinoline is like heavy tulle, right?), then layer it with a more lightweight tulle? You were right about looking on Ebay- I found better prices there than anywhere else. I think I can get everything I need between there and JoAnn, I just have to figure out exactly what to get. I’m not too worried about construction, partly because it’s so fluffy and layered that I’m guessing it would be fairly easy to hide flaws.

        Here are a couple of tutorials I collected on Pinterest. The first one is an almost uncanny likeness to the real thing, but the second one is pretty good as well. It probably won’t make a difference to other people, but for my sake, if I’m going to jump in and do this, I want it to look GOOD:

        https://www.buffaloexchange.com/a-quick-story-about-a-diy-and-the-swan-dress/
        https://www.cutoutandkeep.net/projects/bjork-swan-dress-2

        1. Yetanotherjennifer*

          I have a longer reply that I think went to moderation. In case it got lost…tulle by the roll is significantly cheaper than by the bolt yard. 1 roll equals about 11 bolt yards and saves you some cutting. You’ll spend more money if you mix-in another fabric. Can’t tell from the pictures but link 1 probably used 3″ wide strips or 4″ wide strips. If you cut 4″ wide strips you can use the excess as a tape like Jenny F. recommends. And I definitely recommend gathering first and then sewing. It will take longer but those hours will be less frustrating. Test for the look you want and your tulle sewing technique by sewing the swan body first. Have fun!

    2. HannahS*

      Ooh. I’d be real careful with that. Tulle has a completely different weave to muslin, even if it’s a light cotton muslin. Generally, it’s less stiff, so it’ll have less structure and be heavier than tulle. You can try layers of stiffer netting maybe, for structure so as to get away with fewer layers.

      1. Lillie Lane*

        +1 on the stiffer layers of net for understructure. You may also want to check out thrift stores for yardage — sometimes you can find fluffy nylon petticoats (from square dancing costumes and the like) or a cheap wedding dress with net or tulle in the understructure.
        Also, Jo-Ann has those rolls of tulle that you could gather in layers. I think they cost under $10 for a 100 yard roll.

        1. PookieLou*

          I feel so much more confident in this project! I’m glad I didn’t put a bunch of time and money into using materials that wouldn’t hold up. That would have driven me crazy. Crinoline and tulle, it is!

    3. Jenny F. Scientist*

      You can also treat muslin and/or tulle and/or crinoline type fabrics with starch or diluted glue to stiffen them. It makes them somewhat easier to work with too. If you’re gathering tulle, I recommend getting some fine mesh knit, cutting it into strips, and zigzagging it on (or you can buy the stretchy seam tape but cutting it yourself is cheaper).

    4. Yetanotherjennifer*

      Lillie Lane has a great idea about the rolls of tulle. You’ll probably find them in the wedding department. And using the prices I found on tulleshop dot com, that’s by far your cheapest bet. (note: I don’t know that these are the same quality of tulle so price differences may vary. ) A 54″ wide bolt yard of tulle costs $5.50/yard. A 100 yd roll of 6″ wide tulle costs $2.09 which comes out to about 11 bolt yards at a cost of $0.19/yard. You’ll need 6 rolls to equal 60 bolt yards. That first link doesn’t mention anything about cutting or how wide her tulle is, which is puzzling. If you use 3″ strips you won’t have any waste. If you cut 4″ strips you’ll have a lot of waste and you’ll probably need more tulle. I don’t think she used wider strips than that. You might want to buy at JoAnn so you can return whatever rolls you don’t use or easily buy more if you need it. Adding-in another fabric won’t save you any money because you just can’t beat 19 cents a yard. If you buy a dress or a petticoat to use as a base, you could open up a side seam so you can sew the tulle strips back and forth instead of around a curve. Might be easier. Then sew the seam back up as close to the tulle as you can and fluff to hide the seam. And I’d recommend gathering the strip first and then sewing it to the petticoat. You could cut the tulle down to 4″ strips and use the excess as the stabilizing tape Jenny F. recommends. I’d start by making the body of the swan leading to the neck so you can test strip widths and practice your technique before getting to the skirt. Have fun!

    1. Ruffingit*

      BEST: I finished the Runner’s World Run Streak this week. Running at least one mile a day every day from Memorial Day to July 4th.

      WORST: Voldemort stuff.

    2. Anonymosity*

      BEST: It cooled off some!! Also, I got a new window AC for the living room–replaced the old one all by myself. The hardest part was figuring out how the person who installed it had done so; I spent quite a bit of time running in and out of the house through the garage because I was alone and there was no one to look at both sides.

      Also being alone sucks when you have a job like this, but I got the old one out and the new one in by putting my trash bin under the window and levering them up and down onto that. It sits just below where the AC sticks out. The one in the kitchen just could not handle two rooms; even with a fan drawing air into the living room from the kitchen, it was way too hot in here. My windows are single-paned and this house barely has any insulation. I cover them in winter, but there’s nothing I can do in summer.

      I’m kinda proud of myself for doing it. I made some jokes about how I DON’T NEED NO MAN! Although either of my current crushes is welcome to come sit in the cool air and toast my success with me, heh heh.

      WORST: Still no you-know-what, although I have an interview on Monday.

      1. Merci Dee*

        Oh, my gah, oh, my gah, oh, my gah!!! That’s wonderful! I’m so excited for you! I’m going to be thinking about you all day on Monday, and murmuring under my breath, “just channel your inner Alison!”

        1. Anonymosity*

          Thanks–it’s just an admin thing (sigh) and we’ll see what is up with it. The listing wasn’t very comprehensive so I worry that it will be a lot of spreadsheets and math stuff. :\

    3. Merci Dee*

      Best: Kiddo and I went to the Alabama Shakespeare Festival tonight to see a production of Annie. It was so wonderful! I’ve seen a number of plays and musicals there over the years, and they’re always phenomenal. Casts are amazing, sets are gorgeous, costumes are to-die-for. We could not ask for a better performing arts center than this, and it’s been a joy to be a member of that for the past few years. Check out the site at ASF (d0t) net, if you get a chance. The schedule for the 2018-19 season should be released in about 3 to 4 weeks, per the box office attendant.

      Worst: getting a fever blister, which is never fun. It’s on the very corner of my upper lip, so it runs against my lower lip and is very noticeable when I talk, etc. Already at the point where eating with a spoon is uncomfortable because the metal edge digs right into the lesions when I try to close my lips around the spoon. So no ice cream for me. But, really, if this is the worst thing from my week, I really have no complaints.

      Bonus good thing: I washed my bed linens this morning, and I’m about to hop in the shower to rinse off. When I slip into those spring fresh linens, it’s gonna be on …. or, um, I’m gonna be out. Like a light. Why do you sleep so much better on freshly washed sheets? That first night is just insane, like you go into a clean-sheet coma. It can’t just be me.

    4. Bibliovore*

      Best: The weather. So, so breezy and summery. Time. Sitting out on the porch, listening to the birds with the tiny old lady rescue dog. on the feeder thing. a cardinal, a pair of gold finches, and a tiny woodpecker.

      Worst: Trigger thumb thing is not getting better after the cortisone shot, weeks of physical therapy, icing and a custom brace. Dreading making an appointment with a hand surgeon.

  54. Rogue*

    I’m having a terrible time finding new eyeglass frames I like. I like the narrower rectangular lenses and everything this year seems to be much larger round or square. Where do you all buy your frames?

    1. UtOh!*

      I too like the narrower rectangular type of frame for my face shape. I’ve had good luck on Zenni optical because they have some fun frames and they are CHEAP.

      That reminds me, time for a new pair!

      1. Rogue*

        I’ve found a few pair on there. I don’t know anyone that’s ordered from them before and some of the reviews scared me. How is their quality? What’s been your experience?

        1. Tort-ally HareBrained*

          Just ordered two pairs a few weeks ago and I love them! My husband pointed out I wear them way more than my previous expensive pair (my prescription doesn’t require me to wear them 100% of the time). I have a pretty basic single vision Rx, but they fit well and seem to be correct with good quality. Got both pairs shipped for less than $35 total.

        2. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

          I order from them all the time. Sometimes the quality is not so great but they usually cost less than $30 including shipping to the UK so it’s not a huge loss if the frame I selected don’t last long. I also buy from a place called Goggles4U.

          I’ve never had an issue with the prescription being wrong, although the PD can be tricky so get someone else to measure you. (A water soluble pen, your existing glasses, and a ruler will do, but it’s hard to keep your eyes looking forward in a mirror while you do it yourself).

    2. BRR*

      I used warby Parker last time and with my insurance’s out of network reimbursement they were quite reasonable.

      1. Rogue*

        Can you tell me more about your experience with them? How are the quality of their frames and lenses?

        1. BRR*

          I’m pleased with my experience overall. My frames arrived pretty bent but I got them fixed easily in store. They’re an ok deal quality wise in my opinion. With my insurance reimbursement they were a great deal though. If you do home try on, the quality of frames they send us much lower than what you end up with.

        2. Reba*

          I am super happy with my WP frames. I had one pair for 4 years of about half-time wear before the lens coating finally started to fail (I’m actually thinking about replacing the lenses in those because I still like them!). I am on my second pair now and will soon get Rx sunglasses. Quality is comparable to optician-store–I never bought the super high-end ones so I’m comparing to the more affordable lines. I find they feel much better than the Zenni pair I have, in terms of construction and how the materials feel, although the Zennis were only about 30 bucks.

          They will replace lenses for free if they scratch within a year. Customer service was great. At-home try on is awesome. In my area there is also a physical store where you can try on and get the finished glasses fitted, which is important for me because my ears are really not even!

          At the moment it seems that a lot of their frames are pretty trendy or out there stylistically. But they always have some classic shapes, and you can sort on the website by narrow, medium, and wide styles. I love that they have multiple colors for most frames.

          1. Reba*

            Also I should note that I have pretty low correction… so I can’t speak to how the lenses do with high power correction.

        3. Artemesia*

          I find the quality of the frames excellent. I have had several pair and they hold up. Since I have progressives the lenses are pretty expensive — not as expensive as at the regular stores, but still pricey.

      2. LilySparrow*

        I’m very happy with my WB frames and lenses. They feel slightly low-budget compared to some high-end styles I had back in the halcyon days of full vision insurance. But they are holding up great and look good.

        I used home try-on but didn’t like any of them on me. Fortunately we have a storefront not far away and I was able to browse and find something I liked. The ordering experience was quick and upbeat, and the staff really knew their stock and were able to make good suggestions.

    3. OyVey*

      I got mine at Eyemart Express. They’re rectangular, with a very slight cat eye cant. Mine are green, with black layered over. I love them because they look pretty conventional at first glance but aren’t ;-)

      1. Rogue*

        I haven’t been to one of their stores yet. I’ll look and see if there’s one nearby. Thanks!

    4. Merci Dee*

      For a few years now, I’ve been going to America’s Best for my eye exams and glasses. Big plus for me is that they’re open extended hours in the evenings and on Saturdays, even for exams. I tend to choose the narrow rectangular frames exclusively because they help balance out my rounder face, and I’ve never had a problem finding them. Prices are generally reasonable: you can get an eye exam and 2 pairs of glasses for $69… if your prescription isn’t insane like mine and you don’t have bifocals. It’s a great deal of you can take advantage of it, like for the glasses my kid sometimes needs in class. 2 pairs is a godsend when you’re talking about eyewear for kids.

    5. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      Costco. They bought Franklin optical so the quality is pretty good. (I’m a post retinal detachment -6 with astigmatism and progressive trifocals, and take my prescription in – and they get it right).
      They are so reasonable here – compared to most options in our HCOL area – that my friend found she saved enough on her glasses to pay for her membership. (She wasn’t a member before – I took her in and showed her the frames, and she was hooked).
      I am thinking about Warby Parker for “Computer/work” glasses. I’m slowing down on needing new lenses (used to be too often to afford fun frames) and have insurance benefits to spare this year. So thinking of prescription sunglasses and/or computer distance glasses. Fun and trendy would be great.

  55. HobbitJedi*

    Hi all! 2nd poster here. Going on a road trip in a couple of weeks. Driving from NC to Vernal, UT for a few days (dinosaurs! yay!), then an AirBnB near Boulder, CO. Any suggestions for stuff to do, particularly geology/paleontology themed? (Already got Dinosaur National Monument and a few field hikes on the agenda, plus some museums, Celestial Seasonings tea in Boulder, Peak to Peak highway, et. al.)

    1. CAA*

      Loved Dinosaur National Monument! While the dinosaur fossils at the western entrance are very cool, there’s also a really nice drive/hike from the southern entrance just over the border in CO. Lots of places to stop for good views and to see prairie dogs, and then you end up on a bluff looking down on the confluence of the Green and Yampa rivers.

      If you drive north from Vernal, you’ll reach Flaming Gorge right on the border with WY. We were looking for bighorn sheep, but saw elk there instead which was a surprise. Make sure you have enough gas in the car if you do that drive though; we had a few white knuckle minutes looking for a place to fill up.

    2. catsaway*

      I went to Moab UT a couple of years ago. I don’t know if you’ll go to that part of the state but around the city there are a few locations you can drive to and see dinosaur foot (and other body parts) prints, dinosaur bones, and imprints of other ancient creatures. There are also some areas with some pretty cool petroglyphs. I don’t think there was one specific website where I found where all the dino remains were but I did some googling and found directions on a few different websites. Of course there’s Arches National Park and, as with all national parks, if you get in before 10am it’s not that crowded and it gets much less crowded once you start hiking.

      Have fun on the road trip!

    3. Max Kitty*

      There is some dinosaur stuff in the area of Red Rocks Amphitheatre (which itself can be worth a visit).

    4. Fellow Traveler*

      Dinosaur Ridge in Morrison, Colorado, just outside of Denver- is pretty neat- you can get climb up on the rocks. http://www.dinoridge.org

      If you like pottery, there is a place called Wabi Pottery in Gilpin County, Colorado (near Centeal City- I think it is on Peak to Peak, but maybe not…) – basically run on the honor system- beautiful pieces in a little shack with a box for money. It is all very affordable too.

    5. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      If you have any interest in trains, the Colorado Railway Museum in Golden is pretty interesting. I took my train enthusiast brother-in-law there last year and he loved it. It’s not far from Dinosaur Ridge and Golden itself is a cute little mountain town near Denver, so it is not too far out of the way.

      What route are you taking for the drive to Utah? Florissant Fossil Beds, west of Colorado Springs, is pretty interesting, as is the Great Sand Dunes near Alamosa. There is a big forest fire in that area, though, so I’d check for updates on what is open. I’ve read that the fire is getting under control so it may not be an issue by the time you get there. It’s also a bit out of the way if you are going straight across I-70. If you are going through Kansas and like folk art, though, try taking a detour through Lucas. We went last year to the “Garden of Eden” and associated stuff in other towns and it was amazing. But, we were only on our way to Missouri so it wasn’t that big of a deal to take the back roads instead of the interstate.

  56. Loopy*

    Two random unrelated questions for the crowd!

    1) I always wear the same type of outfit- leggings and long sleeve shirt under a dress. So said dress doesn’t touch skin and I work in an office so I’m not sweating or moving much. That’s being said, unless I drop something on it, does the dress need to be washed after every wear? I have been doing this for most and I’m wondering if it’s unnecessary and in turn wasteful of water, time, and wearing out my clothes faster. Thoughts?

    2) How long to you give a book you’re not feeling before you decide not to finish? I’ve had books I’m thrilled I pushed through, and others I put down without regrets. just curious as to if others have a rule of thumb for when to call it quits.

    1. London Calling*

      I will push myself to finish a book because I have read ones that I hated first time but warmed to when I gave them a second read. OTOH, there are books – Gone Girl springs to mind – that I decide aren’t worth any more effort than one read and can be handed to the charity shop without any regrets. Having said that I do have some books where I’ve thought ‘Nah….’ a few chapters in and in that case I tend to read the ending to see if it’s worth persevering. If not, not.

      1. Loopy*

        Oh my goodness I can’t read books again and have always wished I could/had the inclination. I never know books inside and out like some friends do, even ones I adored. There are just so so so many books out there I’m always on to the next one!

        1. Anonymosity*

          Oh man, if a book makes it into my library and I like it, it never leaves. One of my friends is reading I’ll Be Gone in the Dark for her book club, and said she would give it to me when she was finished. She said I could pass it on after I was done. Hell no, that is probably not going to happen LOL.

    2. Sarah in DC*

      I wouldn’t wash the dress every time, personally. I often rewear clothes that have been touching my skin if I didn’t spill/sweat a lot, partly for the reasons you mentioned and partly out of laziness.

    3. SpellingBee*

      I wouldn’t wash the dress every time in the situation described. Personally I’d wear it at least twice, probably 3 times. After that it might need to be washed just to refresh the shape.

      I won’t force myself to finish a book – if it doesn’t grab me in the first few chapters I put it down. Sometimes it’s just because I’m not in the mood for that type of book and if I go back to it at another time I’ll love it, but two tries is my limit! If I still don’t like it the second time around then it’s just not my thing. There are a few books recently that I really wanted to like but I just don’t, and that’s okay.

      1. Loopy*

        I feel like I’ll start with 2x wear but I’m also kind of afraid I’ll lose track. Not sure if that sounds weird. I have a useless sense of smell, which doesn’t help me at all.

        I feel weirdly guilty about putting down books, especially ones people have raved about. I always worry Im missing out if I quit early. I’m dealing with that now. It’s also an issue because I do a lot of library books so it’s a hassle to return it and then consider giving it another try.

        But I also get mad when I have to push myself to keep reading a book.

        1. Pharmgirl*

          What I’ll usually do after a first wear if I don’t think it needs to be washed is turn the garment inside out – that way I know it’s been worn once the next time I grab it. Maybe you can try that to keep track?

          1. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

            +1. Depends upon the weather but the top/dress gets turned inside out for round two, and then for round three, I have a hook set (over the closet door hooks) – it goes on – if something come off the hook and on me, it goes into the hamper next.
            I have a few very good favorites, and yes, washing them wears them out faster. Barring spots or sweat, I don’t overwash (encourages pilling, shrinking, fading).
            I also wash the same “Weights” together. Never jeans with lingerie or lightweight shirts. Always buttoning and zipping pants. Real delicates, into one of the (many) mesh bags to prevent holes.
            And… I hang almost everything but heavy jeans and towels, to dry. (tumble t-shirts briefly to remove the wrinkles). Heat kills elastic. Since all my leggings, compression socks, lingerie have spandex or elastic, hang ’em. Since my favorites are all delicate, light weight gauzy sheers, hang them.
            Sadly, I pay a small fortune for my bras (special size) so I try to get 5 years or so out of them. I do. But rack/hang dry everything that takes 24 hours or less to dry.
            Washing and drying them has beat almost everything else to death. LOL. And I’m dual purpose here. We use so many resources on this planet – why consume electricity just to speed up a natural (drying) process, when I have a laundry room and a little planning means I don’t need to use it? And I don’t “love” shopping, so when I find something that fits and delights me, I want to keep it as long as possible…. so I take gentle care of it.
            My coworkers consider me really fashionable (LOL) for our industry. But in truth, I am working on being lower consumption and saving as much money as possible while being unique… I buy vintage, eBay, and trade clothes with friends from out of town (when one of us gets sick of something, we look for another one of us who it suits better).
            That sometimes means I don’t get the care label with it… so I have to be extra careful there, too.

    4. BeenThere*

      I wear a lot of dry clean only and don’t get it done every time so I sure wouldn’t wash a dress or other garment each time…. just give it the sniff test!!

      1. Loopy*

        I have a terrible, almost useless sense of smell! Hence why I was hoping there was a consensus.

        1. Merci Dee*

          Mist it with Febreze. It eliminates odors and gives a lovely scent of its own. Win-win!

        2. Middle School Teacher*

          When I was in theatre school, we misted costumes with cheap vodka. It eliminates smells and doesn’t smell like air freshener.

    5. catsaway*

      I don’t think you need to wash your dresses after each wear, especially how you wear them. The only clothing I wash after 1 wear is underwear, assuming nothing gets too dirty. One thing I do when I get home is once I change out of my ‘day’ clothes I put them over a chair in my bedroom so they can air out a bit before I put them back in my closet or dresser. I’ve found that also helps keep clothes smelling fresher a bit longer.

    7. RestlessRenegade*

      I very rarely DNF books nowadays. I did it all the time when I was in school and couldn’t finish the book in time or just hated it. Now, the thought of pounding out a snarky Goodreads review keeps me going if I really hate something. It’s only if a book is very boring that I get into DNF territory, but I’ve been lucky with my choices in the last few years and haven’t had a really boring book come up. I usually keep reading just in case it has a SPECTACULAR ending.

      1. Loopy*

        I used to be very against putting a book down but gosh I’ve wasted time on some awful books and it kind of ruined that determination for me.

      2. PookieLou*

        I’m a lot like you on this one. I’m currently in the middle of a trilogy that has me wondering each page how I feel about it. I am genuinely undecided, but my guess is that my final thoughts will skew negative. Finishing it, even if I don’t like it, will at least give me closure, and if I hate it, I can at least give it a well-informed review.

        For me, not knowing what happens bothers me more than not liking the book. You can tell I either love or hate a book if I sit down and read for hours. I either can’t wait to read more, or I want to get it over with as soon as possible and move on.

    8. Middle School Teacher*

      1) no. If it’s not touching your skin, I’d say once every 3-4 wears, assuming you don’t spill on it, or if it’s not picking up food or environment smells.

      2) I give a book 50 pages. Life’s too short to waste on lousy books.

      1. Loopy*

        I’m loving the consensus on the clothing thing, and you’re the second person who’s said 50 pages!

    9. Thlayli*

      I only wash clothes when they get visibly dirty or smelly. Underwear obviously every day (except bras). If I was wearing a dress outside other clothes like that, I could wear it ten times before it got dirty. I have a laundry basket specifically for clothes that aren’t clean but aren’t dirty enough to wash yet and I mostly dress myself out of that.

      This idea of washing clothes every single time they are worn is very recent. Only a few decades ago people still used to sew themselves in for the winter (which is ew but I guess made sense at the time for some reason).

    10. AcademiaNut*

      I think you can easily go two or three wears without a wash, particularly if you change when you get home.

      I can often get 2 days out of tops in the winter, but I have to wash after every wear in the summer, because it will get soaked through with sweat at least three times during the day.

    11. Lemonworld*

      #1 – For an item of clothing that doesn’t touch the skin, if it’s not stained, I’d give it a good while before I washed it. But I live in a temperate climate where we don’t tend to get very sweaty.

      #2 – 50 pages maximum. Sometimes, I know after a few pages that I’m just not going to cotton to the book, and I now let myself abandon those books before the 50th page. Life is just too short to read books that don’t compel/interest me.

    12. neverjaunty*

      If it’s a 19th century novel I’ll give it a good 50 pages. Otherwise, I don’t push on for more than maybe a chapter. Life is too short and there are plenty of better-written books out there.

    13. TheTallestOneEver*

      A librarian once told me that life is too short to spend reading books you don’t like. If you’re not into the story, put the book down and find something else. Since then, I’ve never regretted putting a book down if I wasn’t enjoying it.

  57. Snorer Adjacent*

    Has anyone convinced a partner to get evaluated/treated for sleep apnea?

    On the flip side, if you’re the snorer, what has your partner said that convinced you to seek help? What was ineffective in persuading you?

    My partner has sleep apnea that just seems to get worse. It doesn’t seem to be linked to weight. For over a decade, partner refused to have a consultation, as they are convinced a doctor would recommend surgery. When I said machines are more commonly used now, partner is saying they don’t want that.

    I’m like….breathing is good? Why don’t you want to do it with more regularity?

    But at this point, I’m being crushed by sleep deprivation, and it’s transforming the terms of our relationship.

    I can’t fall asleep to the snoring (it is super loud, and can be heard through closed doors). Plus, the irregular snorts wake me up. I can’t wear earplugs due to tinnitus.

    We live in an apartment where I can’t have my own bedroom.

    I’m at my wits’ end. I can’t go on with this kind of broken sleep. Thanks for reading.

    1. UtOh!*

      Have you told your partner how their snoring/snorting has affected your sleep? Even if they don’t want to seek out help for themselves (are they embarrassed?), encourage them to do it for you and your relationship. This type of thing can be a cause of much resentment which gets worse over time. How about you make the appointment and go with your partner to discuss the options?

      1. Snorer Adjacent*

        Replying here though this is an answer to some other questions—yes, my partner knows. I have been decamping to my child’s room partly through the night, or outright sleeping in their room, for close to two years. Partner is not seeing this as a reason to do anything, even though I’ve said this is why I’m doing it. Perhaps I need to be even more explicit about it?

        I don’t want to go nuclear. At the same time, sleeping in the other room isn’t a sustainable long-term strategy because it’s not good for my child’s sleep independence.

          1. Snorer Adjacent*

            Not very well. I’ve gotten so accustomed to the deprivation that it’s not until I get a few consecutive nights of good sleep (business trips are my savior!) that I realize exactly how tired I usually am.

            1. Saskia*

              It’s not okay for you to suffer because your partner resists getting assessed and treated for their snoring and gasping.

              I was once married to a person who resisted appropriate treatment for [condition]. I didn’t accept the evidence in front of me: they didn’t want treatment, and didn’t care about the impacts on me.

              Nothing I said or did persuaded my then-spouse to seek treatment. There was no magic series of words, or articles, or talks with friends that led to a change in their attitude. They sought help when they reached their lowest ebb, and living with [condition] was worse than making an appointment.
              I learned the hard way that a person needs to be self-motivated to seek help, and that encouragement from loved ones cannot replace this motivation.

              My advice to you is the following:

              Decide for yourself for how much longer you will tolerate Partner’s snoring and gasping, and the impact on you. You’ve already encouraged them to seek treatment and they’ve refused. It’s time for you to put your needs first. Partner is clearly not taking responsibility for their condition, and they are also prepared for you to be uncomfortable and sleep deprived indefinitely.
              (For me, this attitude is now a deal-breaker as far as partner relationships are concerned.)

              How much more energy and effort are you willing to expend to get what you need? What if partner takes another 10 years to seek appropriate medical assessment and treatment? What if they never seek assessment or treatment? What if they develop other conditions as a consequence of refusing to seek treatment now, but their attitude towards seeking appropriate help remains the same?

              If you haven’t considered it before, you might like to talk to a counsellor about this for support and insight from an unbiased person.

              Once you’ve established what you want and how much effort you’re willing to put into the relationship, have a talk with Partner. Tell them the situation is untenable for you, that your health is suffering, and it’s affecting your relationship more seriously than they realize. If you want a trial period of living separately, tell them, and work out who will move out of your shared apartment.

              If you want to see if Partner will take action, tell them it’s not working for you to sleep on the couch hearing their snoring, and something needs to change. Ask them if they have ideas for solutions where you can both get your needs met.

              Consider giving Partner a deadline by which action is required, depending on the solutions you come up with. I gave my ex Far Too Much Time to take action re treatment for [condition] and I didn’t advocate for my needs soon enough. Make Partner the person who is bearing the discomfort, instead of you.

              If it were me I would consider these solutions as a starting point:

              a) You immediately switch so Partner is sleeping on the couch, and you are in the bedroom, using a white noise generator to cover the snoring sounds (if this doesn’t cause issues with your tinnitus).

              b) You sleep in the bedroom and Partner is on the couch. Partner takes responsibility for reducing their snoring, and makes appointments for assessment by X date (as well as sleeping on the couch indefinitely). Partner commits to following through with the process of appointments, referrals, treatment plans etc.

              If you’re willing to help Partner make appointments, and follow through, make the extent of your helping very clear at the start of the process.

              c) As a couple you look for an apartment where you can each have a room with adequate soundproofing so Partner can snore with impunity with no consequences for you (I realize this may be completely unrealistic for many reasons).

              d) If they continue to refuse to seek treatment for snoring, Partner moves out of your shared apartment (or, if it works better, you move to a new place and Partner retains the current apartment).

              Best wishes.

        2. Caledonia*

          Does it effect the child’s sleep? How does this effect the child, because you are both tired, do you do less stuff with them, sleepovers etc etc?

        3. neverjaunty*

          Your partner is already doing the passive-aggressive equivalent of “going nuclear”. You’ve said the snoring ruins your sleep and they are choosing to avoid treatment? And you are the one who is expected to sleep in a different room?

          Sleep deprivation, btw, is literally a form of torture.

          Saskia is right – this is something you need to be very clear about and cease tolerating. Your partner needs to see someone for this IMMEDIATELY. If they say they “don’t want” any treatment (like a CPAP) then what they are saying to you, quite clearly, is “I don’t care about ruining your sleep or how that affects you.”

      2. Blue ferry*

        I didn’t read all the comments (so I apologize for redundancy). I work in sleep medicine but not offering any specific advice, just general impressions.

        First, it’s not just snoring, if they have sleep apnea, it’s the many small awakenings that are damaging. And that impacts other health conditions. If your partner has any of these (for example): high blood pressure, fatigue, daytime sleepiness, trouble with blood glucose, difficulty losing weight, PTSD – then treating their sleep apnea *could* very well help. Would that convince them?

        Many people don’t want to get tested for health conditions because they don’t want to be confronted with the treatment options (and they tend to make assumptions (eg, I don’t want a breast exam because I would never have chemotherapy…) . But there are a range of options for many conditions, and they still have the choice to pursue or not.
        Can you convince them that they need data and only then they can make informed decisions?

        Overall, I think it’s valuable to tell them that you will support them in *their* choice. But then you have to mean that. BUT, it’s also fair to sleep somewhere else. That’s your choice.

        Sometimes…just get up and go home or to the couch or the bathtub and “sleep” elsewhere. No fuss, no midnight discussions, no resentful sighs. Take your pillow and just do it. Make the consequences to you real to them. If my partner was doing that, I’d feel bad enough to try to figure out how to solve it. If they don’t care, then you have another problem.

        Sleep apnea is very common!!! No need to be ashamed! Everyone deserves good sleep, and right now neither of you are likely experiencing it.

        1. Blue ferry*

          Reading all the excellent comments. Inunderstand why people want you to make your partner move — but I think that makes you the bad guy. I don’t know if you want to be the disciplinarian for any of this. Because the goal is that they choose to seek treatment, not that you make them. But probably highly dependent on your relationship and personalities!

          2. Saskia*

            I think the LW has not been advocating for their own needs for a very long time. Requiring their partner to experience discomfort rather than the LW continuing to suffer has nothing to do with discipline whatsoever.

    2. The Other Dawn*

      Ooof. My sympathies, as I was the one with severe sleep apnea; however, mine was linked to weight. I had no idea I had sleep apnea until I had to do a sleep study for weight loss surgery. They said it was so bad that I was at very high risk for dying in my sleep. They promptly prescribed a CPAP…which felt very demoralizing at the time. I used it for awhile and a few good nights’ sleep out of it; however, I found it very difficult to get used to and ultimately stuck it in a closet and never thought of it again. Once I lost the weight, the sleep apnea was gone. My poor husband, who is a light sleeper and has trouble staying asleep, went through hell until I lost the weight. He spent many, many nights on the couch in those last six months before my surgery.

      I think you’re at the point where you need to tell them they need to see someone about it, because you’re not willing to live a sleep-deprived life anymore. I think you need to make this about the fact that it’s affecting your daily functioning, and that if they won’t see someone then you’re moving out (assuming that’s possible), or they have to move to the couch. I know you said it can be heard through a closed door, but perhaps having to sleep apart regularly might spur them into action. To be honest, I wish my husband had said something that would have forced me into the doctor’s office earlier. But to be fair, he never even thought of sleep apnea and didn’t think about snoring being a symptom of that.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I should add that many people get used to a CPAP very quickly and it’s all about finding the right mask to use. For me, I knew I would be getting surgery and was convinced I wouldn’t need it, so why bother getting used to it? (I know, I could’ve died in my sleep, but that was my thought process at the time.)

    3. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      I’d say like The Other Dawn said you tell your partner they have to get evaluated and commit to using the machine or you will move out. Chronic sleep deprivation isn’t any better for your health than sleep apnea is for your partner’s.

      From everything I have read on here and CA and some of my own experiences, some people have be great romantic partners but can’t live together. It’s a bit of a shame that has to be the default for everyone.

    4. brushandfloss*

      Can you try recording (video or just audio) so he can actually see just how much he disrupting your sleep? I was like your husband with snoring so loud that it can be heard through closed doors and walls. Once I began using a CPAP my life improved greatly. I actually wake up not tired and feeling refreshed.

      1. Snorer Adjacent*

        I have tried recordings. I don’t know how else to convey how terrifying it is to listen to someone stop breathing.

        1. Snory*

          So you’ve heard him stop breathing, so it’s clear he has sleep apnea? Then you’ve got to get tough. His life is literally at stake. I was a HEAVY snorer, my husband recorded me when I stopped breathing–it shocked me, but what really made me do something about it was reading online and finding out that it can kill you. Someone described it as playing Russian roulette every night. There is a sleep clinic near me, and you don’t have to sleep there–they give you a machine to wear to bed that records your breathing, heart rate, blood oxygen levels, and then you return the machine the next day. My results were shockingly, dangerously bad. I got a cpap with a mask that went over my nose (but not my mouth) but it made me feel claustrophobic. So now I have the one thar goes in your nostrils (but the prongs are small, they don’t bother me) and that is working out much better. At first I would take off the mask while I was sleeping, but after a month or so, I’m finally starting to get used to it and wear it most of the night. I’m getting much better sleep. I used to be exhausted at work and even fell asleep at my desk a few times. I wake up in the morning feeling better. You’ve got to convince him to get checked. It’s too dangerous to ignore.

    5. CatCat*

      Me miserably sleeping on the couch (but at least I was sleeping!) instead of our bed lit a fire under my spouse to get it taken care of. I couldn’t put up with not being able to sleep anymore. You need to do what you need to do to get sleep. “I can’t share a bed with you because I can’t sleep. What do you suggest we do?” If he just won’t engage. “Okay, I am going to look into a quality air mattress so I can sleep in another room.” or “I will be sleeping on the couch then.” And do it.

      He didn’t think he’d be able to sleep with the breathing mask on, but he adjusted quickly. Both of us had sleep that was dramatically improved. And we no longer sleep apart.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Actually, I think OP should make their partner be the one to sleep on the couch. I think if my husband had made ME sleep on the couch as the snorer, I’d have gone to the doctor much earlier. Mainly because I hate the couch and would want to get back in my bed ASAP. But my husband went to the couch almost every night and rather than me thinking, “Oh that sucks! I want my husband in bed!!” I was thinking, “This is so awesome to have the whole bed to myself! No breathing in my face!!” (I like my space when I sleep.)

        2. CatCat*

          I agree he should sleep on the couch, but I also think it isn’t worth trying to argue with or control the behavior of someone who is being obstinate about this. What OP can control about this situation is where she sleeps. She doesn’t have to be happy about this nor pretend like she is. I told my husband daily how much I hated it. I actually got to the point where I started to suggest we needed to live in different apartments if this was going to go on.

    6. Seal*

      I have sleep apnea and have been using a CPAP machine for 7-8 months. My primary care physician was the one who convinced me to get a sleep test, based on the structure of my throat. Since I live alone, no one ever complained about my snoring, but I did notice if I fell asleep on the couch I’d often wake up gasping for air. To my astonishment, after a home sleep test I was diagnosed with severe sleep apnea. The sleep specialist told me that sleep apnea can happen to anyone regardless of their weight and that they’ve treated world class athletes with sleep apnea. There was no mention of surgery; I was given a CPAP machine and instructed on how to use is and sent on my way.

      Once I got used to the machine, it was fine and now it’s just part of my routine. While some people claim to have miraculous results with a CPAP machine, I’ve just found that I’m not as sleepy during the day and that it’s easier to get up in the morning because I’m sleeping better. On the other hand, since I started using the machine I’ve had surgery 3 times and moved across country to start a new job (it’s been a crazy year!), so that may offset any “miraculous” results. But ultimately I’ve found that using a CPAP machine not at all disruptive.

      As far as convincing your partner goes, you might tell them that their snoring is affecting your health. Not being able to sleep because of the noise someone else is making is definitely a health issue.

    7. Ann O.*

      Make your husband be the one to leave the bed. If he’s the one inconvenienced, he’s a lot more likely to break down and get treatment.

      I don’t know why some people are so resistant to getting medical help for themselves. But unfortunately, you are at ultimatum time. You can’t always be the one to suffer.

    8. foolofgrace*

      You’ve got to get some sleep. The sleep apnea thing might not be going away anytime soon, it might be time to consider a fold-out sofabed.

    9. Enough*

      There are dental guards that can help. You get the sleep test and official diagnosis of sleep apnea and your insurance should pay for it. You will need to find a dentist/oral surgeon who does this. There are 2 types of guards. One usually for under $1000 that he could try first if he doesn’t want to go through the doctor and have a sleep test.

    10. Paquita*

      My husband has sleep apnea and is not real compliant about wearing his CPAP. Fortunately I just sleep in the other room. I cannot sleep with the snoring. Actually, I can’t sleep if I can hear him making any noise in his sleep. He is also diabetic and when we were first married he would go into a low sugar during the night about once a month. Distinct sounds and movements. He has much better control now but I was so attuned to anything ‘off’ that now I must sleep alone with the door closed. Makes it VERY hard to travel overnight. :(

    11. Rick Tq*

      Does Partner have trouble staying awake at work? That was where I hit my “get this fixed” point. I’m the one with sleep apnea and a CPAP machine did wonders for my sleeping. I use a nasal pillow mask so nothing over my mouth at night.

      A sleep study is no big deal, the only annoyance for me was getting wired up. I swore I was awake for an hour at the beginning of the test but the tech said I fell asleep within 15 minutes per normal.

      1. Snorer Adjacent*

        I think there is a lot of coffee involved! I’ve tried to point out that better sleep would mean less of a need for caffeine.

    12. RestlessRenegade*

      My ex had sleep apnea, likely weight related. He was surprisingly willing to get a CPAP machine once he had insurance (and I paid for the machine, of course), but then used it infrequently. I was lucky and able to use ear plugs to get a good night’s sleep, and once we moved out of our studio(!!) apartment there was some switching back and forth between who was in the bed and who was on the couch.

      I don’t want to be that person who suggests that there’s a bigger issue in your relationship, because I don’t know that. But I WILL say that after I dumped him (for many reasons, but the fact that we weren’t usually sleeping in the same bed was a factor), it was so damn satisfying to sleep alone, in near-silence, without having to wear earplugs. I am still so grateful for it even months later. I hope you can get this resolved and start getting the sleep you need.

      1. Snorer Adjacent*

        This is a really strange anomaly in our relationship, and I suspect the resistance might be rooted in some family of origin healthcare drama.

        1. RestlessRenegade*

          I can completely sympathize with that. While my ex was willing to get a CPAP, he basically refused to get any other sort of healthcare. Including dental visits, which once led to an abscessed tooth (on my birthday!). I think it’s a good sign that this is one oddity in the rest of your relationship though; it sounds like something you will work through. Maybe you can show him some research on sleep apnea or offer to go with him to the appointments, if you haven’t tried those things already?

        2. neverjaunty*

          Possibly, but he’s willing to ruin your sleep to handle the effects of that drama. That’s unacceptable.

    13. LuJessMin*

      My sister is the reason I use a CPAP machine now. She threatened to smother me in my sleep if I didn’t get my snoring under control before we went on our vacation to Europe. I figured I’d use it until after the vacation and then toss it in the closet, but now you’ll have to pry it from my cold dead hands. I sleep so much better with it.

      1. Snorer Adjacent*

        See, everyone I know who’s used a CPAP has found it to be a game changer, so I don’t get the resistance!

        1. formerly sleepy psychology major*

          I have mild sleep apnea and halfheartedly tried a cpap machine when I was first diagnosed. I gave up pretty quickly because I had just gotten divorced (not my choice), and was starting to date, and I was just so embarrassed about it! I felt like using it meant I was broken.

          I tried a dental device but it didn’t work, and I am not overweight so losing weight would not have helped me. In the end, what got me using the cpap regularly was trying different masks (they have come a long way just in the last 6 years I’ve tried them) and how exhausted I eventually got! I felt just like you describe – like I had been exhausted for so long that it didn’tt even seem that bad to me because I was just so used to always feeling this way. But now that I am actually rested, I feel totally different, mentally and physically. I now use my cpap pretty much every night unless I’m away on a very short trip and don’t have room for the machine. When I don’t use it, my brain feels foggy. But I think I only recognize that difference because I have all the other days of using the machine and feeling sharp to compare it to. So if you (and your spouse) have no “good days” of feeling rested to compare to the everyday unrested feeling, it is easy to believe that the unrested feeling is normal and not that bad. That may be part of an explanation as to his resistance.

          I wish I could tell you there is a magical phrase to use that would get your husband to seek treatment. It sounds like you have really tried. At this point, I would suggest that you concentrate on your own sleep deprivation. Can you move apartments to one that would have space for you to sleep separately? Can you set up an air mattress in the living room? Can you brainstorm with your husband on how to get you to sleep better – without trying to convince him to get tested and treated? Just deal with *your* immediate problem (can’t sleep but need to sleep) when discussing possible solutions with him, because trying to deal with *his* immediate problem (he needs treatment) is not something he is able/willing to tackle now. In other words, I don’t think it is useful right now for you to try again to discuss with him the real issue behind your inability to sleep, but to instead figure out with him how to change your environment so you can sleep, without him viewing it as an attempt to change him. This isn’t a long term solution, because he is still untreated which is a huge issue, but short term it will get at least one of you rested and more able to think clearly. Maybe it will be a sideways route to getting him to start to consider why he won’t get treatment, since the reasons for that seem deeply rooted within him and thus difficult for him to confront when asked directly.

    14. Thlayli*

      Sleep apnea and snoring aren’t the same thing. Also the machines make noise too FYI.

      If you have a spare room then I suggest you start sleeping apart till he gets it sorted. Sleep deprivation is a killer – literally. Many single vehicle collisions are from sleep deprivation.

      1. brushandfloss*

        Really loud snoring and waking up gasping are signs of sleep apnea. Also the new machines are very quiet, much quieter than her husband probably.

        1. Thlayli*

          Snoring can be a sign of sleep apnea – but isn’t always. Smokers snore all the time, and while some smokers have sleep apnea, not all of them do.

    15. IntoTheSarchasm*

      My husband just started with a CPAP about two months ago and will not be going back to sleeping without one. He is sleeping 7-8 hours at a stretch instead of 3 and no longer has daytime sleepiness which had been a crippling issue and cost him is last job. There is a risk of cardiac complications it goes beyond sleep quality. I hope you are successful in convincing him to go to the doctor.

    16. Sam Foster*

      Tell your partner that if he wants to die, he is all set to do so. I always thought I slept well until a partner mentioned in passing I should get a study done. I did. I forget the exact numbers, but, I think 30 events an hour is considered severe. I was having over 100, one every 34 or 43 seconds, to the point where the next morning the tech said his statement wasn’t official but I needed to talk to the *IMMEDIATELY*.

      Even though I was feeling rested and just figured my body like 9-10 hours of sleep a night and then like 12+ on weekend days and didn’t think I had any problems sleeping, my body was triggering a flight-or-fight response at least every minute and it could trace directly to a lot of other unusual results in my body chemistry.

      Long story short, I got the machine, got the mask, got used to it the first night and now can function on 6.5 hours of sleep to the point I don’t even need an alarm any more. Bed by 11, up by 5:30am like clockwork every day. And even though I have a lot of other stress to deal with, I’m far better equipped.

      Plus, he’s being selfish and should look in to that as well.

      1. Not All Who Wander*

        Wow…now I’m think that I should have one done. I’m the same way….I really need at least 9 -10 hours of sleep or I’m absolutely exhausted and it’s frustrating. (I’ve also had chronic low-level myofascial tissue pain for most of my life that I attributed the sleep needs to…but maybe I have the chicken & egg backwards!) Thanks for sharing!

        1. Sam Foster*

          It’s a remarkably painless experience, you go in, the hook you up to a bunch of monitors, you go to sleep. They’ll give you a sleep aid if you want. One note though, you can’t undo the monitors and stuff so make sure you are comfortable sleeping shirtless. Bring extra blankets and pillows. And don’t be embarrassed if you wake up having to pee, the attendant will come in, unhook you and then come back when you are done.

          Plus, you’ll at least be able to take one thing off the list of possible causes for your other issues.

          And there are the benefits like no longer snoring and annoying my partner. :)

    17. LNLN*

      Sleep apnea can cause heart damage. That convinced me to have the sleep study done and use my Cpap (that, and being exhausted all the time). Good luck!

    18. StellaBella*

      I have nothing to add to the other good suggestions, so you have my sympathy. I don’t date, and when I did, I had a boyfriend once….we dated for about a month before he stayed over – and he snored as you describe … so next day, he was out. I just could not deal with the snoring AT ALL. I need a lot of sleep.

    19. Sunshine Brite*

      I refused to move in with my partner unless he looked into his sleeping. The machine is so much quieter than he was. If he had refused or procrastinated doing so, I don’t think we would’ve gotten married because my sleep was so disrupted I couldn’t deal with that. Despite all the health issues that weren’t being addressed, my partner made that concession partially because it was important to me. I think it’s up to you to decide how you’ll respond to a partner who does not take your discomfort and health into account.

    20. curly sue*

      This was while we were still dating, but I essentially said ‘go to a sleep clinic or I’m leaving you.’ We weren’t even living together yet but we were sleeping over maybe three or four times a week, and even that was an unmitigated disaster sleep-wise. Fortunately he took that threat seriously, went, and has been using a machine for 15+ years with amazing results.

    21. Snorer Adjacent*

      Thank you all for your comments! We’ve been together for a long time, and it wasn’t an issue for several years. If it had been like this at the start of our relationship, I could see issuing an ultimatum.

      An ultimatum now would be harder. I guess it would basically be, get treatment or I won’t sleep in our shared bed. We live in a very expensive area and moving to a bigger place is not an option. Believe me, there are many reasons why a bigger place would be helpful!

      We can’t move to a lower COL area because Child needs access to certain services that are available where we are. Child has benefitted immensely from staying in this area and we don’t want to jeopardize that.

      So there are lots of trade offs and compromises (and stresses) that are already going on that we’ve managed to accept.

      I’ve heard there are at-home tests now available relatively inexpensively, so maybe I will pitch that as a low-effort first step.

      1. Short & Dumpy*

        Most insurance companies fully cover tests for sleep apnea.

        Personally, I’d be shaking him awake & yelling at him to go sleep in the bathroom Every Single Time he woke me up during the night. But I have insomnia & zero patience for anything that interferes with it.

        (And if nothing else convinces someone of just how dangerous it is, the fact that nearly all insurance companies in the US fully cover testing voluntarily should say it all. They don’t cover anything out of the goodness of their hearts!)

      2. Not All Who Wander*

        Check with your insurance company…the vast majority of them will fully cover the testing (which says a lot about how many serious health issues it contributes too since insurance companies aren’t known for their generosity). Everyone I know who has had it done paid at most a $30 copay.

      3. Rusty Shackelford*

        You’re using the word ultimatum like it’s a bad thing. And sometimes it’s not. Your partner is not only requiring you to put up with something that severely affects your quality of life, but can very easily result in their early death. When someone is hurting you and killing themselves, it’s okay to give them an ultimatum. What would you do if your partner had a suspicious lump, or chest pain, and they refused to see a doctor about it? Would you say “oh well, I don’t want to give them an ultimatum” or would you insist they go to the doctor? That’s the level of potential risk you’re dealing with.

        My sleep apnea is weight related, and I made my husband miserable for a few years mostly because I just didn’t know what to do. What I should have done was mention it to my GP, who would have put me in touch with a specialist. The night of my sleep study, they woke me up and said “yeah, you’re having several episodes per minute, we definitely need to try a cpap on you” and the second half of that sleep study, in a hospital bed and a semi-dark room and hooked up to various wires? That was the best sleep I’d had in YEARS. But I didn’t know how badly I’d been sleeping until I got to experience what I was missing. I literally won’t sleep without my cpap now. I won’t even nap on the couch without it.

        And the process is easier than it used to be. There’s a pretty good chance your partner won’t have to do a sleep study in a hospital. When I needed a new prescription, a respiratory therapist just loaned me a machine that self-adjusts to the level you need and produces a report so they know what settings you’ll need on your own machine. Easy peasy.

        I was diagnosed/treated in my early 30s. About a decade later, I had to have an angiogram for unrelated reasons. The doctor was surprised. He said “usually when I get someone with sleep apnea, they have an enlarged heart, but yours is normal.” Because I got it treated early, before that damage was done.

        Please, for your sake and theirs. I know there are compromises and trade offs that have to be accepted. This is not one of them.

    22. bunniferous*

      My husband has sleep apnea. If he had not finally listened to his boss and a friend (he was not listening to me) and gone and gotten screened I probably would be a widow now.

      Sleep apnea can kill. (Heart attacks, stroke, etc.) If I were you I would simply tell him if he chooses not to get evaluated you are going to need him to double up on the life insurance .

      Also, ask around. Odds are you know someone else with sleep apnea who has been successfully treated. They can persuade better than we can. One other thing-if he has it and gets it treated his quality of life will increase DRAMATICALLY. He will kick himself for not getting screened earlier!

    23. Piano Girl*

      I’m the one with sleep apnea in our marriage, due both to weight and an extenuating medical condition. My husband is a light sleeper. I wear a dental mouth guard every night, and it has helped both with sleep quality and our relationship. I was so relieved that I could use the mouth guard that I’m pretty compliant!

  58. The Other Dawn*

    Recommendations for single-serve containers that freeze well and don’t stain?

    I’m looking at some Pyrex containers, either 2 cup or 4 cup, but I noticed that Anchor Hocking is cheaper. Basically, I have a monster pot of chili and I want to freeze single servings. I also plan to do the same with future slow cooker recipes to make life easier and so my husband and I can eat better (read: break the eating out habit). I have a bunch of those “disposable” plastic containers (Rubbermaid, Ziploc, etc.), but they can sometimes break in the freezer and they stain like crazy.

    1. CAA*

      Do you need to reheat it in the containers? If not, then I prefer zipped freezer bags for that sort of thing. You can remove as much air as possible and freeze them flat so they will stack easily.

      1. AcademiaNut*

        That’s what I usually do.

        If you want something that doesn’t stain, you’ll probably need to go with freezer safe glass, which does take up more room.

    2. CBE*

      Glass containers that are freezer safe (not all are!) and have a lid that locks on tight. I got some at Costco.

    3. foolofgrace*

      I freeze in muffin tins, then take the frozen contents and put them in a FoodSaver bag, but Ziploc freezer bags would work. When they freeze separately like this, they stay separate in the bag. I used to use ice cube trays but they were too hard to wash (no dishwasher).

    4. Gatomon*

      The glass is basically the same between Pyrex and Anchor Hocking these days. I prefer the Pyrex lids myself, so that’s what I have.

    6. Hannah*

      You can use mason jars to freeze–just make sure you leave room at the top for the liquid to expand.

      2. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

        Ah – my mom does this with homemade broth. I think she portions out enough for a soup in each jar so she just grabs and goes and its already portioned.

    7. The Other Dawn*

      Should have added that I would prefer to be able to microwave the containers. Need to make it virtually foolproof and super easy so we can’t use the excuse that it was “too much work.”

    8. periwinkle*

      I stopped caring about the staining because spaghetti sauce is awesome. However, freezer burn is not.

      I’ve been using the standard Glad/Ziploc disposable containers to portion out sauces/stews/etc., freeze them, pop the frozen food out the next day, and vacuum seal it for longer storage. This prevents freezer burn, gives me a little of that precious freezer space back, and puts the containers back into the cupboard for quicker re-use (so I need a lot fewer of them). If I want to take a serving to the office, the sealed food is still the same shape as the container *and* I don’t have to worry about leakage or any odd odors from the communal fridge.

  59. Junior Dev*

    Mental health thread! How are you doing? What are you struggling with? What are you proud of?

    I’m exhausted. I’m not sleeping well because all the stuff I’m worried about. I have a psychiatrist appointment in a couple weeks and I’m going to see if there’s a medical solution.

    I’m proud of exercising and making social plans.

    How are you doing?

    1. Detective Amy Santiago*

      It’s been a rough couple of weeks in general and it’s taking a toll. Mostly family stuff that I can’t really fix which makes it more frustrating, but also some friend drama and other general world things. I’m just tired – physically and mentally.

    2. pugs for all*

      I went off anti-depressants a few weeks ago… feeling like the anxiety may be creeping back in. Dammit. Totally lost it at the DMV yesterday (after not being able to find any parking for 10 minutes and finally walking quite a ways through the humid heat) and being told it would be an over 2 hour wait to get my driver’s license updated. Well, “totally lost it” by telling them this was BS and the whole state is BS and I am not going to wait. (This was my third time going to the DMV – thought I’d try a different one since the one closest to me also had a 2 hours wait…)

      Though – I do often think it is modern society that is f*ed up, and not me!

    3. RestlessRenegade*

      I hope you can get the sleep thing worked out, JD! Sleep is important.
      I’m having a good week. I got a well-deserved break on the 4th and I have vacation coming up. I shockingly did not overplan my weekend; I have a reasonable amount of chores to do and very little other obligations, so I can focus on recreation, which is hard for me to do.

      I hope everyone’s doing well!

    4. LGC*

      Wishing you the best! You’ve seemed really stressed in the recent open threads, so I’m glad you’re doing things to help you feel better.

    5. Thlayli*

      Feeling much better this week. Pills are working well, work and Home life going well. At my cousins birthday today and had a lovely day didn’t feel depressed at all.

      Went to miscarriage support group this week – I feel like I’m really properly grieving now. I’ve decided my baby was a little girl so I’m thinking of her as my daughter now which makes it seem easier to grieve somehow than thinking “son or daughter”. Baby was due this September and I listened to “wake me up when September ends” about fifty times in a row and cried properly for the loss of my daughter.

      So all in all – good progress.

      Except now I’m feeling better I’m all broody again lol.

      1. LizB*

        It’s amazing how a particular song can just let it all out sometimes. (“For Good” from Wicked always does it for me.) I’m so sorry for your loss, and glad you’re making progress.

    6. Red*

      I made social plans, I exercised, and I even have new meds for my anxiety! It’s been a good week, y’all. I mean, I still have to wait for the buspirone to work in like a week or two because meds suck like that, but you know. Good week, positive thinking, all that good stuff. Also I apologize for being kinda rambly and disorganizsed, I’m kinda drunk and it is what it is. Any way, I’m proud of you! And that goes for whoever is reading this. You’re here, you’re awesome, and that’s fantastic. Thanks ofr doing your thing :)

    7. Elisabeth*

      Horribly! She said, with a smile. I finally restarted therapy after trying to solve it with just medicine. My fiancee is worried because she thinks it’s not just chemicals at this point, it’s that I’m drowning in worries and stress and I’m not going to get better until something major changes. That’s a terrifying thought.

      My meds have been all over the place, and I’m honestly a little bit uncomfortable with the AMOUNT of serotonin reuptake inhibitors my psychiatrist has me on. I’ve never been super comfortable with the current psych, so I think I need to start looking for a new doctor, but that’s so stressful. :/

    8. lonely*

      I’m having a really hard week where I’m feeling super lonely. Had a date that seemed to go really well and then the person said they didn’t feel a connection. Made plans with friends who had zero interest in anything going on in my life; in particular, I was super excited to share about starting ballet classes and they made fun of it, and yes, I know I’m not going to be the next great dancer, that’s so not the point. I went to a bbq and not one person asked a question of me, they went on at length about themselves (as people do) and they couldn’t even ask a proforma “how about you” back. My sister and her husband are both unemployed and unemployable and yet, there they are together; I don’t want what they have – at all – but when I’m in this funk I wonder what is wrong with me that they get to have a relationship and I don’t. I’m feeling old and wonder if I’ll ever have a relationship, or even a really close friend. I know I need to change my attitude. And really I have a great life, I’m doing a ton of things I enjoy but in this funk I just start discounting everything I do (only people who are not in relationships take classes as adults), which I know is false.

      1. Moose&Squirrel*

        I’m so sorry. Sending you good thoughts.

        And I think taking ballet is great! I hope you have a wonderful experience!

    9. Forking great username*

      I’m doing horrible, and for no real reason. Well, I’m sure there is a reason – hormones and chemical stuff and whatever. But there’s nothing really going wrong in my life. Little things – the job search is frustrating, having young kids (3 and 5) is physically and mentally taxing. But no big reason for me to feel as horrible as I do. And a husband who doesn’t realize how serious I’m being when I tell him that I’m really struggling this week. It doesn’t help that all I want to do is isolate myself.

      I know I need to go back to the doctor. I’m just stalling because every medication I’ve tried has given me side effects, and also because my doctor sucks (and I can’t just change doctors since we’re on Medicaid until the job search finally comes to an end – so no good options in my area for health stuff.) I could switch to a doctor that’s a longer drive to get to and hopefully get better care…but the waiting list is long. Blah.

      Sorry for the pity party. Just really down right now.

      1. Windchime*

        That sounds really rough. I remember what a struggle it was for me, dealing with depression and anxiety when my kids were the age that yours are now. It’s so hard to keep putting one foot in front of the other, but when you have kids you have to. I sympathize.

        I hope you find the right treatment. I’ve been on anti-depressants (on and off) for over 30 years, and it’s only been over the last couple of years that I feel like I’m on the right combination. It actually feels amazing. I went from thinking thoughts of self-harm multiple times a day (sometimes multiple times per hour) to feeling — dare I say it?–happy much of the time. That’s a very new feeling for me.

        Don’t give up trying to find the right combination of medication and/or therapy. After 30 years, I had pretty much decided that medication didn’t work for me, but now I know that I was never on the right combination before.

        Hang in there.

    10. LizB*

      My SO is going to be out of town all week, which is always horrendous for my self-care. I stop cleaning, I eat nothing but takeout, I stay up too late (case in point, why am I up at 11pm my time when I need to be up at 7 tomorrow? I do not know.). Trying to counteract it with exercise and deliberately making plans with friends. If they’re coming to my place, I can’t leave miscellaneous clothes all over the living room, now can I? I’ve got to get to a point where I don’t immediately revert to Teenaged Slob Liz when there’s no other human in my apartment, but for now, baby steps.

    11. Henrietta*

      First, thank you for Junior Dev, for consistently being so open about how you’re doing and inviting others to share on the weekly open thread. You are so thoughtful.

      I’m realizing that my mental health is not great. After many years of doing well, I’ve been heading in the direction of depression. I’m now thinking that it may be time for medication to turn this around, which I did once before at a difficult time in my life. I’ve made appointments to talk about options with my doctor and my therapist. Just writing about it here is helping, like I’m taking a step in the right direction to care for myself, to move upward instead of downward.

  60. moosetracks*

    Hopefully this is an okay place to talk about this? Sorry if it’s not!

    This is a community that’s pretty good about disability rights/neurodiversity, and this is something that hasn’t gotten a lot of coverage and something that some people here might be interested in:

    A few days ago, a Massachusetts judge ruled to uphold the legality of aversive shock therapy for autistic patients. The UN has called aversive shock therapy torture.

    I wrote a short explainer about this situation the other day (cw: discusses torture and medical/physical/psychological abuse. The video it links to is extremely upsetting, but it isn’t embedded in the article).

    https://medium.com/@reenyt/massachusetts-court-upholds-torturing-autistic-people-e49e4f67d449

    If you’re able to, please spread the word on this!

    1. nep*

      Bloody hell. Unbelievable.
      Thanks for this.
      (I could not bring myself to click on the video but I know I should look.)
      Definitely good to know about these campaigns against–will follow.

    3. Thursday Next*

      I will write the emails suggested. This is horrific! It’s also similar to the plot of a 25-year-old Law and Order episode! How can a “treatment” like this be permitted? Especially now, when we have so much more awareness and self-advocacy?

    6. misspiggy*

      Oh my god. I work in some really difficult parts of the world, where many people suffer a lot and disability and diversity carry huge stigma – and this would not be countenanced. I’m so sorry that this is something you have to deal with.

  61. Fake old Converse shoes (not in the US)*

    I found a lump the size of a ping-pong ball near my right knee. Went to the ER to get it checked and found out that it may be a cyst, but it’s not urgent enough for an emergency MRI, so I have to wait to next week to know when can I get it done. At least it doesn’t hurt.

    1. En vivo*

      Glad it doesn’t hurt. I had a cyst in my breast a few years ago that simply disappeared on its own. May yours do the same – or at least turns out to be very easy to get rid of. Keep us posted.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I can’t tell if this is above/below or beside your knee.
      My husband knelt to work and eventually he developed cysts near his one knee. I am not sure if this will apply. If you are kneeling for any reason put a pad down, change knees or find another way to do the task.

  62. Laura H.*

    Hope y’all have a great weekend.

    I have the Voldemort today, but it’s the slower season so should be reasonable.

    Have a great weekend.

  63. Jemima Bond*

    It’s about 28 degrees Celsius (google tells me that’s about 82 Fahrenheit) in London. It’s too hot. We are wusses. There is little air conditioning and certainly not in private homes. Nobody can cope. Send help.

    1. London Calling*

      30 degrees in my sitting room, meaning it’s about 32 outside. Never have I wanted cooler weather so much.

    2. nep*

      How often does it get that high?
      It’s all relative…We’re praising the high heavens for 82 here–beats last week’s 97.
      But yes–it’s all what you’re adapted to, and what residences are equipped for. No AC and 82=a big drag, and draining. Hope you’ll get some relief soon.

      1. Jemima Bond*

        Not often, or at least not for long. If it’s over twenty (68F) we all start having barbecues and if it hits 30 (86F) it gets on the national news. We are used to mild and inoffensive weather – hot and sweaty (or indeed snow) leaves us all a bit affronted!

      2. Jemima Bond*

        I just looked at the stats and for London the average over thirty years, for July, the hottest month (although August is similar) is about 23C/74F – that’s the average high; the average low is about 14C/57F. The coldest month, January, average low is 2C/36F and average high 8C/46F.
        So as you can see our weather is not usually extreme!

      3. Rebecca*

        Oh here too! I’m in Central PA, and we had upper 90’s a few days last week with humidity. Ugh, it was awful. I did a load of laundry earlier, and hung it out to dry. All shorts and sleeveless tops!! Today is a blessed 77F, low humidity, and a flawless blue sky. Oh it’s such a relief!

    3. BeenThere*

      When I lived in London in the 80s we had a good hot spell. Everyone came to work on Monday with a sunburn. It was so unusual! LOL

    4. Cristina in England*

      Yeah, when I lived in the US I didn’t think 80 was bad, but after 13 years in the U.K., it feels very hot. Thank goodness it isn’t over 30 like it was in Canada/US last week. 33 people died in Quebec! In places that aren’t used to it, people just aren’t prepared. Places aren’t air conditioned. Americans, you know those window air conditioner units? They do not exist here in the U.K. At all. Our windows aren’t suitable for them. Our fridges also don’t have ice makers (we use trays). You have to get an “American-style fridge-freezer” (mega £££) for that.

      I just got an Ansio tower fan and a Honeywell table fan off of Amazon today because none of us can sleep. It’s been 28 degrees (82F) in the bedrooms for days now. The fans are amazing and are helping a lot. I also give my kids ice water before bed. I read that the body has to lower its temperature by about 1 degree before you’ll fall asleep.

      1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

        I grew up in the southwest US so it feels ludicrous to be too hot at 75, but it is very unusual for England, especially the north east! I think it’s only rained here once in the last two months, which is very, very strange. It’s fine in some ways, because I work outside and I’d rather not be wet and muddy all the time, but my house is like an oven when I get home. It’s also really strange to have to slather on the 50+ sunscreen every day.

      2. periwinkle*

        It’s amazing how soon you acclimate. I grew up in the wretched summers of the U.S. Mid-Atlantic. If it had ever been 82 degrees with low humidity in July, we all would have been frolicking outdoors celebrating the cool respite.

        I’ve been living in suburban Seattle for 4.5 years now. The forecast for next weekend is 80-82 degrees, and I will be complaining about how that’s just ludicrously hot and maybe we should look into getting an AC unit…

    5. Sorcha*

      Yup! I’m in Scotland and it’s been ridiculously hot and sunny for WEEKS now. Usually we get two or three days of it. I’m pale and burn really easily so despite staying indoors between 11 and 4, wearing factor 50, and a coverup, my arms are already red and bumpy from the sun. :((( Can it just be cloudy for a day or two please?

    6. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Last year there were one or two spells of hot weather like this that lasted maybe 4 or 5 days, not almost three weeks at a stretch. Also, the building owners turn off the A/C at noon so you start getting warm by 1 and roasting by 3 and ready for a nap by 4 and then it kicks on again. No idea why.

      Neighbors are out back having a pre-party for, well, wherever they are going after 11 (assuming it is Pride related). But you can’t shut the windows and lord knows no one can talk at a normal level ever so I guess we are at a party tonight? I feel like going over there and helping them pick out a playlist from our collection because theirs is TRAGICALLY bad. I don’t mind 4 on the floor house but good lord boyfriend, work in some classics!

    7. Anonymous Ampersand*

      I just want it to stop. I miss sunny-but-fresh/cool weather. It’s been hot for what feels like ONE MILLION YEARS. It’s never this hot for more than 2-3 days where I live – 4 at the absolute outside and this has been going on for weeks. I want it to rain!! I want to be able to wear jeans and boots again.

      Signed,
      A much too hot British person who will totally complain and be surprised when it finally rains.

    8. LGC*

      I mean, I think 82F is pleasant (That’s about the temperature it is in my area), but also I’m on an air conditioned train and going home to my air conditioned apartment. Hopefully this heat breaks for you guys – I know this IS super hot for the UK!

      (Also I like summer temperatures. Give me 28C over 28F. But also, I imagine that London gets that same kind of muggy that New York gets.)

    9. RestlessRenegade*

      I sympathize! I’ve heard that there were a lot of people in Canada getting sick over the heat waves too. It’s going to be 38 degrees here (101 Fahrenheit) for the next week or so, but that is typical for summer where I live and it’s actually been a pretty mild one so far! Stay cool.

    10. Middle School Teacher*

      I’m sympathetic but also jealous. My last two weeks of work, it was hot and gorgeous out. Now I’m holidays and it’s rainy and barely cracking 22 degrees. July should be hot! July should be beautiful! I should be able to lie in the yard with a book and a Pimms and ginger!!

      I’ll take your heat. Send it to western Canada, please!

    11. Anonymosity*

      I’m sorry. Seems our weather the past week jumped across the pond. It’s much cooler here today–I’ll try to send it your way (I wish I could deliver it personally, as I’d like to be there for the marches and the balloon this coming week).

      Try taking a tepid shower or bath before bed and then get under the fans. That will help lower your body temperature so you can sleep.

    12. Sylvan*

      Yikes.

      I’ll happily deal with 100F/37.8C with an air conditioner, but without one, no thank you, under 70F/21C is best. Do you have fans? Ceiling fans or rotating tower fans? Blackout curtains also help. If you leave blackout curtains closed throughout the day, you will probably depress the shit out of yourself, but you will also keep the warm sunlight out.

      Or just give up and escape to a movie theater, if those have AC.

    13. Jemima Bond*

      I’m actually sleeping ok (and so is OH judging by the melodious snores issuing forth – it’s only ten past eight on Sunday morning here) as luckily the bedroom in my flat faces north so stays reasonably cool. Windows open, covers off, and I’m good. A friend was telling me though that she is going to buy a freestanding fan for her bedroom as all her windows face southeast…(ceiling fans are pretty rare over here too).
      I’m also glad to say that my office is air conditioned and I’m really appreciating it because the office we were in last year did not, and we recorded 37C inside! But I’ve been off work since last wednesday, and both the chores (dropping car off at garage, going to supermarket) and the fun (Wimbledon, day trip out of London for posh lunch out) have been very hot and I must say sweaty experiences.

    14. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      When we lived in Madison, WI we had ceiling fans in all the room and no A/C and never had heat in the house like this, and we survived a good three humid Wisconsin summers with these types of temps for months on end, easily. I rarely see ceiling fans here, even if they would help year round.

      I went to read a book under the big fan in the cooler bedroom and thought I would close my eyes for a light nap.. and woke up three hours later! :O Oh well. Only going to get down to 64 tonight, and right now it looks like its almost 90 outside air temp, so who knows what it is in the house with the hot oven of a loft right above this room. I think tomorrow I will walk to the gym, shower, and then proceed the final five minutes to the office otherwise its going to be ugly.

      Looks like we get a bit of a reprieve on Tuesday and Wednesday though!

  64. Nervous Accountant*

    I’m seeing a gastroenterologist this week and not sure what to expect.

    Back in April, I had blood tests done at my PCP b/c I was feeling swollen and just unwell. He said my ALT levels were slightly high so he referred me to one. I asked a Dr friend and she said my levels weren’t high enough to refer to a specialist so she wasn’t sure why he did.

    I’ve googled but I’d liketo hear firsthand experience/feedback. I am not sure why I need to go either… im now seeing a podiatrist for the foot/leg pain. Really don’t want to have to go unless I really nee to

    1. nep*

      Isn’t ALT to do partly with liver function?
      Did the PCP say what he thinks could be possible causes for the swelling and malaise?
      Hope you’ll find some solutions soon. This all must be so draining.

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        Yes, he said the ALT was elevated, renal eval was normal. No explanation for the swelling. It is frustrating but I just want to be back to normal.

    2. Book Lover*

      One possible cause is fatty liver, which is pretty common if you have diabetes. Usually if the level is two times normal or around there, recheck at 3 months and evaluate further if still high. If a lot higher than that, then evaluate more urgently. But since you have been feeling unwell, maybe he thought a specialist opinion would be helpful.

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        YES he did say that, fatty liver. Idk, I’m inclined to just cancel the appt for now. I shouldn’t but I am already spending so much $ on copays & medicinesetc.

    3. TL -*

      Your Dr friend isn’t your doctor (doesn’t know your medical history as well as your Dr) and different doctors will have different levels of what they refer to – your dr didn’t refer you on levels alone, I bet. He looked at everything he had and said in this case, slightly higher levels are concerning enough to send on. You sound like you have a lot going on medically, so it’s not as easy as “refer at X level” (which usually implies: If all else is good, but X is elevated, refer according to Y guidelines.)

      I would go. Seems like there’s something unknown going on, and even if all the gastro does is rule things out, that’s more information to go on for whoever eventually figures it out.

  65. nep*

    Make sure you’re getting your selenium, guys–especially vegans/vegetarians as most of the food sources are animal products.
    Just putting this out there, as I forgot my Brazil nuts at the store and I’m about to head back. These nuts are one of the best sources of this vital mineral. We don’t need much but it’s super important. It might be placebo, but I have noticed that when I go for too long without getting enough selenium, I feel it.

    2. Mehh*

      It’s also in bread and eggs and a billion other non-meat things. If someone is telling you that you need it as a supplement, and that person isn’t a medical doctor, it’s possible you’re being sold a bill of goods.

      1. nep*

        Yeah–not taking supplements for it. I add a Brazil nut to smoothies or bars. Vegan so eggs are out, and I don’t eat bread. I’m getting it in my bananas and oats also. Lots of choices/sources out there.

      2. nep*

        (Oh, maybe you meant someone said I need the Brazil nuts as a supplement. No. Researched sources of many minerals and learned of that one. I don’t ask my medical doctor what I should eat, in any case.)

          2. Not So NewReader*

            The last doc I spoke to about food, said that food has nothing to do with health. Uh, then why is my father on a diet because of his heart. I think some areas have better quality docs than other areas.

      3. L-cJ*

        it very much depends on where those billion other things are grown. Not the OP, but my area is very selenium-poor and as a result either supplements or something like Brazil nuts are necessary.

  67. bassclefchick*

    Reunion weekend is over. It went better than I expected!! The one person I was dreading seeing….didn’t go. I was very relieved. She’s just too much drama and I am OVER IT. No confrontation, no chilly silence. It was wonderful to just not have to deal. I saw people I wanted to see and ended up talking with folks I never thought I would. You guys were right – I’m glad I went! Thanks for the encouragement!

  68. Lora*

    Elder care is the worst. I’m just venting, because this sucks.

    My mom has a dog (elderly itself) whose job it is to remind her to eat and go for walks. She also has two cats. Well, had. I only check on their food and water, I don’t spend a ton of time with them. Yesterday one had anal prolapse and had to be rushed to the vet. Vet said, it will need surgery, please sign here.

    Vet called me today to say that the cat died and without getting into the gory details, basically the cat must have been sick for weeks and mom can’t care for cats (i.e. pets) properly and her pets need to be re-homed. The other cat seems okay other than having fleas, and I found a new home for it with a friend. I can take her dog myself so she’ll sort of still have it, as she lives about a mile and a half down the road from me and she’s moving into a currently-under-renovation granny flat in my barn next year.

    I tried to explain to her why she can’t have pets anymore and it went about as well as all our other conversations around her aging and loss of ability go: she denies that anything is wrong, the whole world is out to get her, everyone else is wrong, it wasn’t her fault, it would have happened anyway, etc.

    I know why she reacts like that. I know that she feels threatened and it’s all scary to lose your ability and it’s difficult for older people in particular to adjust to what is essentially a new living situation and learn the skills for living in a world that they cannot navigate easily and it’s a whole lot of feelings and stuff. I know all that, but it REALLY doesn’t help one bit to know that. What I hate is that there’s no solutions.

    Like the first time she had a dementia tantrum and broke a bunch of things in a rage and when I told her doctor about it (because of course she wouldn’t admit to it), the only answer I got was, “she feels comfortable enough with you to show her emotions, that’s why she breaks your things but not others”. Like, nah doc, I don’t want you to tell me platitudes, I want a solution to this so I’m not sweeping up the shards of my favorite coffee cups at 1am. Either tranquilize her crazy butt or recommend her for an inpatient whatever. “She’s not that bad to qualify for inpatient care.” Well, crap, I’m supposed to just live with this?!? Yes, apparently the answer was yes and her doctors were surprised that the platitudes didn’t make me feel better.

    *Sigh* Thanks for letting me vent. I just can’t hack this much longer.

    1. BeenThere*

      Ugh. Try to get some respite help if you can. this is a hard time for both of you!

      1. Lora*

        Thanks dude.

        And a personal shout out to Instant Pot: this is the best thing for elderly people who can’t be trusted with the kitchen stove. Mom’s kitchen only needs a sink, mini fridge, microwave and an Instant Pot. And an Ikea cabinet to hold dishes and food. I didn’t have to have a big argument about appliances and safety because LOOK MOM YOU CAN MAKE EVERYTHING IN THE INSTANT POT!!! Look how cool and trendy it is!!! Yay! And thus we avoided the whole, “you’re going to burn the house down, that’s why you can’t have a stove” discussion which wouldn’t have gone anywhere anyway.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      If you tell them that she lives alone that may increase chances of action.

      Please bring in other people to help you, don’t walk alone here. It’s just way too hard.

      I do think they get the most angry with the people they are closest to. I guess not all docs get it though. When my mother had it, the docs said “What did you do to her?” That also stops conversation.

    5. Thlayli*

      It might help to think of her as a toddler in some ways. If I left all my coffee cups where my toddler could get them, they’d get smashed too. Can you put a lock on your cabinets like Parents of toddlers have to? Granny-proof the house?

      1. Lora*

        I can…up to a point. Have reached the point, though. She can unlock the dishwasher and washing machine and puts all kinds of stuff in there. I will have to put locks on the bathroom where my laundry hamper is, locks on my bedroom door to keep her out of my clothes too. It’s a pain to live like that but whatever. The thing about toddlers is, 1) they’re small and can’t reach a lot of things and don’t have the physical strength to do much 2) the rest of the world agrees that toddlers shouldn’t have credit cards or computer access. It’s really really really hard to keep a determined adult from getting a credit card and running it up on 20 pet dishes, 25 sets of office supplies for a non-existent office and 30 pairs of sneakers and new clothes every day and crap. She has all bills automatically paid, basic groceries delivered and has an allowance for fun money. But two idiot banks sent her credit cards and ohhhh boy. Also, with toddlers there’s a time limit on how long you have to live with not being able to use your own bathroom at 2am without a key. With elderly adults, not so much.

    6. Thursday Next*

      Are you in the U.S.? There may be Medicare resources for home health visits. There’s also Medicaid, for which many seniors “spend down” their assets (so they meet the threshold). I know a few people who’ve entered nursing homes this way.

      Are there any nearby senior centers that have day programs, or at least regular activities she could participate in? Being with peers, and with people trained in elder care, might be a relief for both of you.

      Are your mother’s doctors gerontology specialists? They have a better context for evaluating her needs.

      Taking care of her is undoubtedly exhausting for you. You do need respite care, if only for a few hours.

      1. Lora*

        That’s what I’ve been asking her doctors for help with: to get Medicare to cover nurse aides, they have to prescribe it. And she mostly shows them good days – only her oncologist saw her having bad days, because he saw her several times per week for a while.

        It’s just super frustrating.

        1. Thursday Next*

          Perhaps you can emphasize that *you* need help with her, because it’s not sustainable for you to be her caregiver with no relief. Remind them that they are only seeing her at an X-minute appointment, while you see her over the course of Y hours and Z days.

          Ask them what it would take for them to believe you.

          And any time anyone asks you questions about her capabilities, answer them based on her worst days. Those are the times that cause her to need help.

          Caregiver exhaustion is a real issue and at this point, her doctors need to realize that they have to help you—so you can help her.

    7. Kuododi*

      Oh ouch! I’m up to my eyeballs in a similar situation with my mother. I have mentioned before how she’s dealing with dementia secondary to traumatic brain injury. Dad’s determined to keep her at home so I go over 2 or 3 times a week and give him a break from dealing with having to monitor her 24/7. Unfortunately one of the things that happens as dementia worsens is the social filter which keeps us from running amock in public begins to fall away and the underlying personality starts to show. In the case of my mother she was always the good “Southern Lady” with impeccable manners and excellent social skills. Now she’s rude, hateful, passive aggressive, racist and homophobic. I have accepted long ago that this is how Mom is these days and it’s getting worse, not better. All my sister and I can do is give our best to make certain she’s safe and well cared for. Best wishes…you and your family are in my heart.

      1. Lora*

        Exactly. Allllll the filters are long gone. Now it’s just complaining 24/7 about literally everything and a bunch of paranoia and like…odd narratives she tells herself and elaborates on. Loudly. Whether you want to hear it or not.

        I really wish I could cut off her Facebook, it gets her all wound up about nothing for days on end. Unfortunately there’s no “you must be at least this sane to ride this ride” limit…

        1. Kuododi*

          I definitely understand about Facebook. My mother has the same issues with Fox News Network. (I realize there are people who really like that news source. I’m only referring to my mom’s emotional response to their broadcasts.). If left to her own devices, Mom would watch Fox news non-stop and yell at the tv trying to magically change the outcome of the catastrophe of the day. When I am with her, I take over the remote control and make sure we watch something fairly harmless such as classic movies, something on a cooking show etc. Fortunately, her short term memory is shot so I get little push back on the change. (She just forgets she was mad at me for changing the channel.). ;). There’s a good resource book I’ve referred to in the past for help on dealing with caregiver issues. I’m pretty sure the title is ” The 48 Hour Day”. Perhaps one of the community could help confirm that title. Blessings.

    8. Ciaraamberlie*

      Sometimes there is no solution and you just have to live with it. I know that’s not what you want to hear, but tranquillizing her or putting her in an in-patient facility seems to be more about helping you than helping her, which is not the doctors’ goal, they are focused on your Mom’s care.

      Do you have any organisations that support carers or provide respite care in your area? That might be a better avenue to look at, to get you the support you need.

      1. Lora*

        I understand what you are saying. Realistically, my house is not a padded room and never will be. I can’t tear out every appliance, lock up every door, cabinet and drawer like a fortress. Already the controls that will have to go into her apartment are a lot. The choices are:
        -her behavior somehow gets less horrible and under control, so she can stay out of a nursing home as long as possible
        -her siblings step up and help (she asked, I asked, it’s not going to happen – her brother who was helping manage her finances took off for Cambodia.)
        -she goes to full time nursing a lot sooner than she hoped for, which can’t happen without her doctors prescription
        -she ends up homeless because nobody will take care of her and her doctors (other than her oncologist) refuse to recognize that the problem is that bad.

        It just all sucks.

  69. BeenThere*

    Might be too late in the day for y’all but I’ll throw it out there. I come across as a very confident, successful career woman. I have a family (grown kids) and a wonderful husband. I don’t have a lot of close friends, which is probably good because I do better in small groups. But sometimes I would like to be more include in things that happen in my social circles. If there is a girls’ night, it’s usually because I’ve planned it. Out of the last 4, I planned 3. I am part of a larger community but can’t seem to get closer to most of those women. I don’t need a big social life but I guess I’d like to have at least a little more. I think I am not terribly approachable (I have RBF) but I’m not mean. Some people have probably called my a snob because I don’t talk to them first, but it really is that I am an introvert. I am much more open once you get to know me…. but I still rarely share any really private info. So I guess I’m just a tough nut to crack, but Id like to find a way to crack open and be more … accepted I guess? It’s really hard when my husband travels as I have few people I can reach out to. Ugh. I shouldn’t be such a basket case at this age (60) but I am… Like I said, I appear confident…. but that isn’t really the case. I’ve just learned to fake it. Any thoughts?

    1. Kj*

      Can you reach out to a person or two and ask them to coffee or lunch? Building one on one tends to work better if you want to get closer to others. At lunch or coffee, focus on being willing to talk about the good and bad in our lives. Many people who are more guarded have superficial friendships because they never share the hard stuff, which encourages others to do the same.

      1. BeenThere*

        I have tried something like that with a few… unfortunately they didn’t seem so interested. Maybe I need to get better at reading signals! I’ll keep trying though. Thanks!

    2. Cristina in England*

      If you think you’re putting people off or coming across as chilly at first, you’re already doing the right thing in becoming the planner for events. By planning the event, you’re showing people you’re interested in seeing them, whereas being a bit reserved might make them think otherwise. It might help to reframe being the planner as an opportunity to know people better. It is hard to think that if you want to see someone you’ll have to do all the work, but if you otherwise think that these people are receptive to your invitations then it might be worth consciously taking that role on.

    3. Lora*

      As near as I can tell, this is sort of normal (SOP anyway) for friend groups when you’re over 45: one or two people in any given group do 100% of the planning and asking, everyone else is kinda along for the ride. They go if they’re asked and seem to enjoy hanging out, but rarely initiate. Actually now that I think about it, it turned a corner when I was 35 – it was like everyone stopped playing poker and bridge at once, and that was the end of “hey come over and play cards and I’ll order pizza.”

      I have several groups of friends and it just seems like in each group there’s only one or two who initiate things and plan, and we (the planners) always have to work to find a day, find a location, etc. And then only 1/3 to 1/2 the people who said they’d come, actually show up. It’s repeated the pattern in so many different groups that I think it’s just how things are.

      Keep trying with the one on one things though – some of my closest friends, we were the only ones in a given group who wanted to see a particular concert, or the only ones who were interested in a particular festival or exercise class, so we just went together and had a blast.

      1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

        This is really interesting to read. I know in the last ten years my mom has been complaining about her sister in law (my aunt) and having to always be the “planner” in the family. Mom (68) is always the one finding the date, making up the crudite platter, getting out the games, trying to shove people out the door at 11 to leave :) Then I get a call complaining about how my aunt (63) doesn’t do anything anymore, whereas before she would typically host the whole family at least one summer party and one Christmas party, and spend time with our family quite a bit the rest of the time.

        I don’t know the solution, but I did tell mom that she can either do nothing and not have any parties or be the planner person by default and accept that role because it wasn’t likely to change. I also reminded her of the things my aunt DOES do that mom doesnt see (namely, sorting out the last living relative from my grandparents generation, which includes having to deal with his crazy ex-wife who has insulted my aunt any number of times in the last five years). Those are all things Mom would be really bad at handling. Mom gets it, but it doesnt mean she likes it :)

    5. Thlayli*

      It seems like you are waiting for people to approach you. It doesn’t work like that. You’re the one who wants to develop the connection, so you have to be the one to do the approaching.

    6. BeenThere*

      Thanks all for your thoughts. I will likely just continue to be the planner. It’s probably the best way. And the up side is that we do things I enjoy. I hate to say that the only reason I went when someone else planned is because I say I want others to plan. I would not have done what they planned without that motivation. I think, too, we all just get so busy and “want” to do stuff… but we just don’t always get to it. Since I am one of the oldest…. no, wait… the oldest one in the group and my kids are grown it probably is easier for me to think of these things.

      I’d had kind of a week so maybe just a little down. Chatting with you all helped.

      Thanks!

      1. Reba*

        I know what you mean about always being the planner. You want some reciprocity there! But I would bet some of the folks you invite are grateful to have a planner in their social circle. You can try to think of it as something kind you do for others — it always feels good to be invited. Even if the person doesn’t come, you’ve done a little something nice by thinking of them, and that can pay social and just kindness-spreading dividends.

        It sounds like you want to have closer relationships with some of the people you know already. But I wonder if some fresh ground, so to speak, might also be helpful? Volunteering to meet new folks? It takes a lot of time to get to know people, of course, but that time itself can be fun and rewarding.

        Good luck!

    7. chi chan*

      try something like big brothers/sisters if you are in the US. Connection need not be with people of same age

  70. Wedding Officiant*

    I am thrilled and honored that a friend has asked me to officiate at his wedding next year. Because we don’t live near each other, I haven’t yet met his fiancee, although I’ve heard all about her since they first started dating a few years ago. She sounds wonderful and I’m really happy for them both. They decided they would each pick someone to co-officiate, so I will be partnering with the person that his fiancee has picked.

    I’ll be taking time off work and buying an airline ticket to attend the wedding. An etiquette question–should I also bring them a wedding gift, or would it seem weird since my gift is officiating the event? I love my friend and I have no problem giving them something, I just don’t want to do anything that would make them feel awkward.

    1. Cristina in England*

      What a lovely thing! I hope it all goes smashingly well.
      If you’re unsure, then I would err on the side of getting a gift as well. I doubt they would feel awkward about it, just pleasantly surprised, if anything.

    2. Lcsa99*

      I don’t think you need to give them anything but something small, maybe get their vows framed for them or something like that would be nice.

      My sister officiated on our wedding and that meant so much to us. She didn’t need to give us anything else.

      1. Wedding Officiant*

        Framing their vows is a wonderful idea–I think that’s my gift! I appreciate the suggestion.

    3. Officiating*

      So I’ve only officiated one wedding (of my oldest friend) and I had to drive 2 states over and pay for a hotel room, but I did also get them a present. It was a small one (just some pyrex things from their registry) but I wanted to. I don’t think you have to though, since you’re the officiant.

    4. sleepwakehopeandthen*

      I don’t think you need to get them a gift (although I would probably write a nice card), but if you do get them one, I would get them something small.

  71. buttercup*

    Just want to express an irritation – not sure if it is petty or relatable, but does anyone here who is female not-infrequently experience issues where they go to a social event (sometimes with friends, sometimes alone) NOT for the purpose of meeting someone, and then get repeatedly hit on by a dude despite multiple attempts to hint that they’re not interested in him? It’s ruined multiple social events for me, to the extent that I don’t think I can any longer go to them without bringing along a partner. The most recent incidence of this was a MeetUp gathering for an activity I really enjoy doing. I understand that sometimes people go to these to meet potential partners, but they should really get the hint when someone is not reciprocating their advances!

    1. BRR*

      Not a female but I’ve seen and heard of this all the time. Some people just do not get it.

    2. nep*

      Sucks when people don’t get or won’t take the hint. Might call for more than a hint–if you’re sure they’re propositioning you, maybe you’ve got be very direct. (Though that won’t always stop folks, either. Some will take it as a challenge.) Ugh.

        1. Thlayli*

          True. I’m not great at reading hints myself, and I’m not a man. It really annoys and upsets me when people expect me to just read their mind and then get annoyed when I can’t.

          Like, you don’t have to be rude, just say sorry you seem like a nice guy but you’re not my type / I have a boyfriend / I’m a lesbian / I have sworn off men and am considering entering a nunnery / I’m just not interested.

      2. neverjaunty*

        Men are fine with hints when they want to be, but agree, you might as well go with being direct. Better to have them act offended that you “misunderstood” them than to have to keep fending off Mr. Suddenly I Don’t Choose To Understand Social Cues.

        1. Thlayli*

          Lots of people genuinely don’t get social cues. And lots of cultures have different social cues. And the media also trains men to think that some of the social cues women use to signal “not interested” actually mean “I’m being coy / I’m playing hard to get”.

          You’re not born knowing this stuff – you have to learn. And it’s confusing for a guy when every movie and tv show is telling him that a girl looking down and away is actually flirting. Or being quiet and listening to him and not responding – to a lot of people that can look like genuine interest, rather than just being polite and hoping he goes away.

          Most guys eventually figure out that the media lies on this, but if a guy doesnt have a lot of contact with girls growing up, and/or he doesn’t have a lot of inherent social skills, it a actually very hard to figure that stuff out on your own.

          Do both yourself and him a favour and use your words.

          1. neverjaunty*

            Funny how women are rarely excused from “using their words” because they might be socially awkward or genuinely not get social cues or are raised to be indirect. And how we make excuses for men who choose to ignore social cues or bull right over them.

            Yes, use your words (even though a lot of times you’ll get called names or told you totes misunderstood him), but can we please stop pretending the poor men are such simple creatures?

            https://yesmeansyesblog.wordpress.com/2011/03/21/mythcommunication-its-not-that-they-dont-understand-they-just-dont-like-the-answer/

            1. Thlayli*

              Yeah I’ve read a couple of hose articles that claim that everyone DOES understand social cues and people just choose to ignore them. And I’m sure some people are like that. However it’s a simple fact that not everyone notices or understands social cues. Have you heard of autism spectrum? The reason it’s called that is… social intelligence is a spectrum. If you are extremely low on the spectrum it’s classed as a disability. But there are lots of people whose social skills are not low enough to be classed as disabled, but are still really low. Many of those people are men. Although I am a woman, I am also one of those people. Sometimes I don’t notice social cues and sometimes I totally misinterpret them. And lots of other people do to.

              However you can choose to believe I’m lying and that everyone in the world has great social skills. You can choose to believe that every man can understand all your non-verbal cues and those who don’t respond the way you want are all evil misogynists. I hope that works out for you – it sounds exhausting to me. It also sounds like it would lead to a lot of boring conversations with people you don’t like while you feel resentful towards them.

              I prefer to believe the fact that not everyone has great social skills and many people respond better to direct verbal communication. I haven’t had a long boring conversation with someone I didn’t enjoy the company of since I was a teenager (and that guy was definitely on the disabled end of the spectrum). I prefer my way, but you do you.

      3. SS Express*

        Actually, studies have shown that men generally have no trouble understanding a “soft no” in other contexts.

    5. Sylvan*

      Yes. I am an average-looking and quiet woman. I don’t believe I do anything to attract attention. Why. :|

  72. KR*

    Highs of 110. Currently sick with an unrelated dizziness, nausea, and tiredness. It is a day to hide inside and drink water.

  73. FD*

    I’m sending a care package to a friend who has an ill baby in the hospital. They also have a second kid who isn’t sick. Anyone who has experience with this, what would have been nicest for you to get?

    Right now, I have more time than money so I can’t necessarily just send gift cards, for instance. But I can make things (e.g. food, craft kids, etc).

    1. Cristina in England*

      Food and a craft kit for the older child would be really thoughtful. I don’t know if the older child has to spend a lot of time waiting around in the hospital but a portable kit, in a nice bag or lunchbox (line the inside with felt so it isn’t very rattley) would be a nice touch.

      1. FD*

        Ooh, I like the idea of using a felt-lined lunchbox so it doesn’t rattle! Thanks for a great idea!

    2. families!*

      I sent some home made portable snacks (home made muffins and scones, granola bars, nuts, single-serve almond butter “thingies”, lots of home made things) to a friend whose partner was in the hospital. Basically I thought they would be going back and forth at odd hours so sent non-bulky stuff that did not need to be refrigerated they could just have in their bag. I also sent some ziploc bags so they didn’t even have to worry about that. I sent some soaps and nice smelling things but that might be more expensive. My friend really appreciated them. For the kid, if you know they’re into airplanes or trains or whatever, sending that thing might be a nice treat.

    3. Chaordic One*

      Depending on the older kid’s age, you might consider sending them a coloring book and crayons, or if they’re older, maybe a diary or journal.

    4. Sam Foster*

      I know you said you didn’t have a lot of money but can you send them household goods they may be running low on and haven’t had time to deal with? Cleaning wipes, Kleenex, paper towels, etc?

    5. Sylvan*

      I haven’t been in this situation, but my parents were.

      Food! Give them a list of food you can make so they don’t have to brainstorm.

      Ask your friends if they need any tasks taken care of at home, if you live near them. Give them some ideas to start with. Could you walk the dog? Clean out the fridge and do a grocery/Target run? Do some laundry? Make some phone calls?

    6. Kuododi*

      People are usually very grateful when I “don’t” cook. I also have no skills when it comes to making the cute baby clothes, blankets etc. I’m the one who will end up going to their home and doing their laundry, dusting furniture or whatnot. I’m also delighted to walk dogs or attend to the needs of any feline rulers of the house!!!

      1. Kuododi*

        Woops!!! Posting with insomnia again. I just realized that you were referring to friend with an ill child in hospital….kinda blows the need for baby clothes and blankets;) Still, I am not terribly crafty and have minimal cooking skills, not to mention a budget that is so tight it’s squealing in pain. I pretty much stick to helping out with the chores when I have a friend or family member who is sick and laid up.

        1. Chaordic One*

          Actually the kind of help you offer is very needed and much appreciated. The family is probably pooped out from spending so much time at the hospital and letting things slide at their house. Doing laundry, washing dishes, dusting and vacuuming, cleaning the bathroom, watering the lawn, caring for a pet, these are all invaluable. You sound like a true friend, Kuododi.

          1. Kuododi*

            Aaaawwww!!!! :) Thank you for the kind words…. Here’s to a peaceful week ahead!!!

    7. FD*

      Thanks everyone! I got some great ideas from this list and the package will go in the mail tomorrow!

  74. Paquita*

    This has not been a good week. My father passed away early Tuesday morning. Service was yesterday. I am doing OK. He was at home on hospice since April. Mostly everyone is relieved that it is over.

    7. Be the Change*

      Memory eternal. I definitely know the feeling of being relieved it’s over, while at the same time wishing it had never started. Many warm feelings coming your way /comfort.

  75. nep*

    Congratulations, Croatia. Hell of a final few minutes there.
    And to Russia, for making it as far as they did, apparently…A Guardian reporter wrote this: ‘Russia were the lowest-ranked team coming into this tournament. Many folk in their own country thought humiliation might be on the cards. But their team has, to a man, been magnificent. They were a couple of kicks away from the semis, and when the pain subsides they’ll feel very proud at what they’ve achieved.’

    1. Middle School Teacher*

      That game was bonkers. I don’t even really care about soccer, but I was super invested in that game!!

    2. Loves Libraries*

      Russia should be very proud of their team. Looking forward to the semifinals!

  76. Clueless*

    Anyone have any good resources/tips for learning to do your own hair? I just want to be able to pull off a nice French braid but have never mastered working with super fine and thin hair OR reaching around my head to do it.

    1. Formerly clueless*

      Lots of practice! Boring answer, I know, but it worked for me. I had always wanted to be able to do a French braid and my hands would get tired on top of my head, I’d rest them and then forget which strand I was on, my hair is also pretty slippery so it’d get all over the place. I gave up trying for a few years. Then I started practising at the end of the day– when nobody would care how my hair looked — or I’d give it a go while in transit, then pull it out before I reached my destination. It is easier for me when my hair is damp because it’s not as slippery. Not caring how perfect it was also helped me not feel frustrated.
      And…after maybe 2-3 months of this, somehow I crossed the line between “I have no idea how to do this” to “I can competently do this!” without even really noticing.

      1. Effie, who gets to be herself*

        Yup, practice practice practice. I have really silky hair that likes to stay straight. Having my hair damp helps me too (summer is a good time to practice with damp hair since it can actually dry while braided).

        Take heart, I have two feet of hair. If I can French-braid my own hair, I’m sure you can learn to too.

    2. Mananana*

      YouTube!!! There are a ton of videos out there, so don’t be put off if the first one you watch isn’t a good fit. I just watched a few yesterday on how to cut my bangs the way I want them — today I’m sporting a brand-new fringe!

    4. BeenThere*

      Also if your hair is fine or very soft (so slippery-ish) put some kind of tacky product on your fingers, or run through your hair. It helps to be able to grip it. It’s been a while but I used to use some Bed Head product that felt like tacky glue but didn’t dry and get hard. Just a bit is all you need!

      1. Reba*

        Yep, I spray with hairspray or dry shampoo, lightly all down the length of my hair, before beginning braids that need to stay looking nice.

    5. Fine hair braider*

      I’ve found YouTube tutorials good for this, particularly if you watch those by people doing their own hair (it really doesn’t help me to see someone else doing it, I just can’t figure out where I’m supposed to put my hands). My favourite hair tutorial person is Torrin Paige – her hair is fairly long, but it won’t matter even if your hair is short. She provides really useful tips re how to hold your hands, etc, that help with braiding. Others to check out are Silvousplaits (also has superfine hair), ladollyvita333 (also has an old channel, LaDollyVita33), Missy Sue, Braidsandstyle12 and wiispe.

      If you have (or aspire to have, or otherwise like) long hair, can check out the ‘long hair community’ (google it, not linking to avoid mod) – there are some good text-based instructions for braids here for people who are visually disabled or who find this an easier way to learn.

      I have very fine hair but with lots of practice have learnt to do pretty good French & dutch braids. Still not great with a crown braid but I’m getting there!

    6. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      YouTube videos are helpful, but what worked best for me was having someone else to practice on. Being able to see what I was doing really helped me figure out if I was doing it right, then when I tried to do it on myself and couldn’t see it at least I already knew what it should feel like to be on the right track.

      Once you have the basics down, practicing over and over (like while you watch TV or whatever) is the only thing that helps with precise, even braiding. Given your hair texture, you may find it easier to practice when your hair is dirty, or damp, or with a little dry shampoo or texturizing product.

    7. MamaCat*

      I started with half-french braids (that’s probably not the right term); basically, I’d braid until my arms got tired (about 4-5” back from my forehead), then I’d tie it off with a tiny hair tie. If you want, you can keep the tie in and tie your hair in a regular ponytail, or continue the braid once your arms are rested (again, keeping the hair tie in; it’s almost impossible to figure out what hairs went to what section of braid once it’s tied off).

    8. ms roboto*

      I learned from my hair stylist. She helped me figure out the muscle movement on my own head. She also taught me to fishtail which I couldn’t learn from videos etc. I needed to feel it and build some muscle memory. I don’t use a mirror, that makes it worse!

  77. Hamilton*

    I saw Hamilton in Chicago this week and it was awesome! The crowd was great as well! (Though it was mostly tourists.) There was a family with 3 young children and before the show started, the father was telling the children to be on their best behavior. He then gestured towards me and said, “Don’t make her shush you!” It was very sweet. (I wish more parents would do this! Hats off to those who do!)

  78. Angry Princess Unikitty*

    Any advice for committing to finally going in for therapy? I’ve made appointments but always cancelled. It feels like talking about the issues won’t help them and I’d just be venting, but it feels like therapy should be for stuff more serious than venting and that I’d be wasting the therapist’s time.

    1. RestlessRenegade*

      I felt the same way too, and I find it really hard to do the work of calling/setting up appointments/actually showing up the first time. And sometimes it’s still hard to show up.
      I think it’s important to remind yourself that the first session is not necessarily for treatment, but just for getting to know each other. The stakes don’t need to be high; you’re just meeting another person to see if you can get along, if you think you can talk to them. Maybe come up with a list of questions to ask–what are their specialties, what are their preferred methods of treatment for whatever you’re going in for, etc. Hope that helps!

      1. heckofabecca*

        This is a great comment!

        I did not know for a long time but there are many different types of therapy. Some therapists will just sit and let you vent, but there are other routes too. I’ve personally had my best success with cognitive behavioral therapy (both individually and in couples therapy). It’s about modifying behaviors/emotions/thoughts. Good luck and best wishes!

        1. WW*

          Seconding the recommendation for cognitive behavioral therapy – its more structured and gives you specific tools to use to deal with what’s going on in your life. It helps me feel like I’m taking constructive steps and not just talking in circles.
          When I’ve looked for therapists something I’ve found really helpful is having a short phone call before the first appointment (15-20 min). A therapist initially suggested it to see if we might be a good fit and then when I moved to a new city, I asked new therapists I was looking at if they’d be willing to do the same. All but one were and none of them charged me for it. (You could also do a version of this in an initial email.) I was able to say “here’s my deal and here’s what’s I’m looking for. Can you tell me a little about your style?” It helped a ton to find the right person.

    2. Almost Academic*

      As a therapist-in-training (and someone who has been in therapy myself), I have a couple of thoughts about “wasting the therapist’s time”. With clients, often the biggest gains in terms of reaching treatment goals actually come when someone is not at their most serious or worst crisis point. It’s so much easier to learn and practice new skills and ways of dealing with issues when everything doesn’t feel like it’s on fire. Also, if you feel like you’re just venting or talking without learning any new insights or ways of coping from your therapist, try to find a different one. Traditional talk therapy of laying on a couch talking about what’s going on isn’t everyone’s cup of tea (and, depending on the issue, can be outdated) – some therapists actively engage more, using things like worksheets, homework, and data to work on finding patterns in the small issues that you bring up. Talking about the small things can be really helpful in trying to make progress on the big things in life.

      Also, as far as committing to therapy, talk to your therapist about your hesitations! They should be able to help you work through them as well, that’s what they are there for. For the initial appointment, maybe it would help to remind yourself that going in once or twice doesn’t actually commit you to anything? Usually it takes a few session for everyone to feel each other out and see if the client / therapist is a good match, so it’s definitely not subscribing to a commitment just by walking in the door the first time.

    3. families!*

      I mean you can always commit to one session and then you’ll have more information and can decide later. Talking about the issues won’t help them, but it might help you – your perspective, how you see your options, what is stopping you from seeing other options that now make it seem there is no other way to see the problem than the way you are seeing it; that in turn might change the issues. We all have some kind of tunnel vision, from unexamined assumptions in our lives and a therapist can bring those to light so you can decide if these things serve you or not, and then the hardest part, how to move away from them in real life and start behaving differently.

      1. Reba*

        This a great comment! It’s true that talking about issues may not help them as such, but it can change your thoughts about them, and thus your feelings about them, and help you understand and change the way you deal with things. Angry Princess Unikitty, have you tried researching some different therapy modes to see if there are any that sound appealing to you and your situation? Though most therapists are trained to practice with multiple kinds of techniques, you could seek out someone who describes their approach with terms like “solution-oriented” or “goal-focused.” CBT is the gold standard for changing long-standing habits of thought and their associated actions.

        Re: “wasting the therapist’s time” — um, they are getting paid. But to the underlying question there, YOU are worth listening to, YOU are worth getting care that will help you be happier/cope with life stuff, YOUR issues and concerns are real and they matter. There is no bar of terribleness that you have to pass in order to need, deserve, or qualify for therapy. And as others have pointed out, getting in therapy when not at a total crisis point can be a great time to do a tune-up and build skills for when sh*t does hit the fan.

        Also remember that the first one you talk to might not be a great fit. I remember that this was horribly demoralizing to me when I first sought help–I went through all that to get here, and it was meh?! But if you can make and keep one appointment, you can likely do another.

        I wonder if you could make a deal with yourself that you will make an appointment and then…not cancel, do not call the office back until you have been there. Since you seem to have been thinking about it for some time…You’ve already tried Not-therapy, maybe it’s time to see what therapy is about, too. Good luck. This is not easy! You can come back here for support, too.

    4. Elisabeth*

      Do you have health insurance that includes any sort of mental health benefit? And/or does your [redacted] offer counseling for free? Mine has extended benefits where I get 3 free counseling sessions a year for 3 different issues. (i.e. I could go for x, then y, then z.)

      BUT. The thing that has changed my life is that my current insurance has virtual visit therapy. It’s covered by my insurance and a lot of the therapists/counselors/psychologists have morning to 7-8PM at night. I can go where I feel comfortable and do a facetime either on my phone or on my computer. I just started this last weekend and it was so much less stressful.

      Also the fact that you think you would be wasting their time makes me think you do need it. Therapy is for everyone, truly. I went for a while even when I wasn’t in crisis anymore because it’s comforting to me that I can say ugly, dark, selfish things and my therapist isn’t going to be emotionally hurt by my venting. And not only getting it outside of the cycle in my mind, but also getting a mostly neutral 3rd party’s advice is SUPER helpful with even the most minor issues if it’s affordable.

    5. Kuododi*

      Speaking as a therapist…I would recommend solution focused or cognitive behavioral therapy. Both are very goal directed and focused on helping you work out for yourself what would be your best path to get from point A to point B in your life. Your feelings are discussed but they are not prime priority on the agenda. Not knowing what issues are motivating you to seek therapy, I would encourage you to follow up and keep your appointments. You deserve to have someone support you and provide care for your needs. Feel free to contact me through Alison if I can be of any help to you with resources or referrals. Blessings to you.

    6. Penguin*

      Venting- verbalizing and acknowledging your feelings- can actually be really helpful/important/productive, especially if you’re someone who has learned/been conditioned/developed a maladaptive coping mechanism of suppressing, repressing, or otherwise ignoring your emotions. If you’ve coped that way for a while, it can be surprisingly difficult (I have learned!) to even be certain of what you’re currently feeling (!) and having someone there to help you suss things out can be really helpful.

      Plus (speaking generally) therapists are trained to help you find ways to either deal with things in your life or to look at things from a different perspective so that you don’t have the same emotions around them.

      I’ve worked with half a dozen therapists over the last dozen years (moved around a LOT) and I learn new things- both about myself, and tools/approaches to take to address issues- with every person.

      For what it’s worth, I’ve come to see therapists and other mental health professionals as a helpful “specialized knowledge resource” that I can call on when I need help with something. The same way that you might go see a doctor because you don’t know if an ache is serious or how to deal with it, or a mechanic because you don’t know if a car noise is serious or how to deal with it, you go see a therapist because you don’t know if a “life thing” is serious or how to deal with it. The biggest difference I see with mental health pros over other specializations is that many people have more general knowledge about other specialties (i.e. my arm shouldn’t hurt like that, my car shouldn’t be making that noise) than about psych/cognitive/mental health.

      Long story short, therapists are there to help us learn and figure out how to cope with all the stuff life throws at us, WHATEVER that means for each individual.

    7. ronda*

      i think that the idea that you would be wasting the therapist time is just avoidance thinking on your part.
      talking to people who want therapy is their job, and they chose to get in this line of work.

      Try finding out how the 1st session will work before you go, maybe that will make you more comfortable.

    8. SS Express*

      I read a really nice comment somewhere about “wasting the therapist’s time” once, which basically said that therapists have a pretty rough job hearing about awful things most of the time are usually very happy to have a client who wants to talk about something less serious!

  79. RestlessRenegade*

    Weird relationship question here.
    About four months ago I ended a five-year relationship. It was the first relationship I’ve ever had, and I’d say it was generally a positive experience for the first four years. It never got abusive, but he was a bit manipulative and I was not my best self with him around. He also cyber-cheated on me, so yay.
    About five-six times since then, I’ve had nightmares where we got back together. Not hopeful dreams; literal nightmares, where I wake up thinking, “I am so glad I’m out of there.” That isn’t so strange by itself, but apparently BOTH of my sisters (we’re really close) have also had nightmares about me getting back together with this person.
    There is literally zero chance of that ever happening, and just typing that out makes me feel better. But I’m really sad that this relationship, which my sisters admit they weren’t thrilled about but were super supportive all throughout, hurt them. It makes me feel really guilty and awful that I hurt them and that they had to put on a nice face.
    So my question is, does this fall within the realm of normal? Was there something I could have done to prevent any of us from having these nightmares? Is there something I can do to prevent it in the future? Or am I putting way too much emphasis on what’s likely just our brains letting out stress over this unpleasant but not necessarily harmful experience? I intend to talk to my therapist about it but I also want to know what the lovely weekend commenters think. Have you ever had this experience? What do I say to my sisters? How do I avoid doing this to them in the future (besides dating girls, which is what I’m planning on trying next)?

    1. nep*

      I don’t think you bear any responsibility for how their brains/systems processed this.
      Also, you aren’t to blame for decisions that didn’t at all stem from malice (i.e. being/staying in a relationship your sisters weren’t thrilled about). You didn’t set out to hurt anyone.
      I hope you can all find peace. I think you’re right that these nightmares are/were part of getting some built-up gunk/tension out of your system.
      Keep us posted. All the best.

      1. nep*

        (First line sounds odd–Of course, you do not bear any responsibility for how their brains/systems processed this.)

    2. Merci Dee*

      You’re having nightmares about a relationship you ended 4 months ago … I still have nightmares about being re-married to my ex, and I divorced him 12 years ago. In fact, I had that very dream last night. We were married again, I was trying to find a house for us to buy, and I kept insisting that it have an extra bedroom for him to sleep in- and he kept laughing at my suggestion. The sheer aggravation of the situation was what woke me up. That, and the fact that every house I looked at was worse than the one before it. I think the last house I viewed in my dream was actually a closed factory in the process of falling down. Pretty good metaphor for my marriage, actually.

      Point is… the dreams are normal. You’re probably going to have them for a while. Seems to be the subconscious’s way of reaffirming your decision to end things.

    3. fposte*

      I don’t think you hurt them by dating a guy who didn’t work out, and I don’t think it’s your job to make sure they don’t worry about you, whether they’re asleep or awake. And I don’t think you should feel guilty that they had to “put on a nice face”–people you love partner up with people you don’t adore all the time and you treat them kindly on behalf of your relative/friend, and that’s part of life. (I also think the gender of the partner guarantees nothing–you could date a woman they like even less as well as a woman they like more.)

      It can be really valuable to have a good relationship between your family and your partner, but that doesn’t mean you have to find a person they like as much as you do.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Not that odd really.
        People who are close knit can share the same concerns. And while not super common, they can end up dreaming the same thing.

        The night the Titanic went down, people all over the US had dreams of people screaming in the middle of the ocean. My great grandmother was one of those people. The catch in the story is that the doc had told family not to let her near media of any sort. In this case some times an event is so big it seem to emit its own energy.

        OP, my go-to for breaking the power of dreams is to discuss them in waking hours. The next time you and your sibs are faced with a situation, console each other not to dream about it. Say that right out loud. “There’s no need to dream about this, we/I can work on it tomorrow/whenever and find some sort of fix for the problem.” Like others have said, your siblings are responsible for how much worry they carry. The best you can do here is reassure them that you and/or they can work on it more during waking hours.

    5. Buu*

      If you think about dreams as your brain sorting the junk it’s not weird at all. You and your sisters are just dealing with what happened. Talk to your therapist but I suspect the act of talking it out with them and resolving the issue might dredge up some of the feelings, it’s part of healing from trauma.

      Be kind to yourself, if you have a bath try soaking before you go to bed and try to go to bed a little earlier. If you wake up hopefully that’ll mean you’ll still get enough sleep.

    6. FaintlyMacabre*

      Many of nightmares about my ex occur when I’m on my period- perhaps you and your sisters are experiencing something similar?

  80. Cruciatus*

    Yeesh, this ended up longer than I realized… So I didn’t see the house at all I mentioned on Wednesday’s thread–the one that I was told smelled wet and musty. I still wish I knew my realtor better to know what her standards are (actually I contacted her just over a year ago and we still haven’t met! — Though to be fair, part of this was due to my mom’s health when I just wasn’t looking at anything at all in person–but still seems weird to me).

    Anyway, a new house to check out tomorrow. It doesn’t seem terrible, but it’s not a pretty house. But the inside seems nice (though not super updated). It’s smaller than ones I normally look at (and you’ll laugh because it’s still almost 1400 sq. ft and I’m like “ooh, small…”) and only has one family/living room. But I keep trying to remember it’s A) just me (paying the bills, cleaning the house, living in it) B) you’re allowed to buy another house if it’s really so awful (I know it’s easier said than done but you are not forced to live in one place the rest of your life). Oh, and it’s much lower in price/taxes than the other houses around it. I won’t say it’s the worst house in the best neighborhood, but it might be less attractive than the others physically.

    I think I’m going to have to settle annnnd I think I’m OK with it. I actually don’t know if I’m settling or just changing my criteria. I have been looking (even when my mom was sick–at least online) for way over a year now. The ones I want are in the locations I don’t want (they are fine locations, but I want to be closer to work than now and they are still just as far away, just in another direction). The locations I do like are either septic/well (in the city? WTF?), high taxes, or apparently smell wet and musty (or other issues), or are split levels with tiny closed off rooms. (I’m not against septic/wells as a whole, but it is what I have now and I’d really, really prefer to still be able to shower/flush toilet in a power outage, especially if I live *in the city!*).

    So tomorrow’s house seems OK online, just a weird outside. You can’t see the front door from the driveway. There is a pathway leading there but I bet no one uses it! Neighborhood seems good (but not walkable–nothing in my city really is–but it’s close to a major strip, as well as the highway). Small yard (but again, I’m the one who has to deal with it and I as yet have not discovered a love of yard work. It’s big enough for a summer garden, some landscaping, but probably no pool). Has the two full bathrooms I want (but they are small, but one is also connected to the “master”). A ranch style so no obvious separation of living spaces, but rooms are on one side, family/kitchen/dining on the other. Not a big yard (but it’s a corner lot and NO SIDEWALK to shovel). Only 1 car garage (but it has a garage). Finished basement (I’m the only one who doesn’t want one–but it still means extra living space and storage space). Fifteen minutes from work (but faster the way I drive). My main concern is storage. They don’t show any closets so it makes me go “hmmm.” But if it at all seems decent it may be a contender. People have told me “make sure you love it!” and I think at this point “this seems pretty OK” is what I’m shooting for. So, let’s all hope it’s not atrocious (please no wet/musty smell!)! Huzzah!

    (And just if people are interested like I am in housing markets across the country, this house is listed at 152K, $2700 property taxes (pretty good but not the best school district),I think it’s something like .25 acres, 3 bedrooms, 2 full bathrooms, extra bedroom in basement plus other living space/storage.)

    1. BeenThere*

      After owning several houses I am finally in the one that I love love love! And it’s no big thing.. just a townhouse. But it’s my perfect house. I wouldn’t settle if you don’t have to. But if the market is hot enough you could get rid of it if you found something better, then that might be something to consider. BTW, I love to watch the real estate markets. And for comparison I bought a 4 BR/ 3.5 bath townhouse with almost double the value of the house you’re looking at!!! Yikes! Lucky you for still being able to get a house for $150ish.

      1. Cruciatus*

        It is a tough market in my area. Though this house has been on the market a while (which I am considering as a potential future con). But in the now I could probably get it even lower than 152K which would give me more ability to add what I want or continue saving more monthly than if I bought the houses I looooove (which, truly, are few and far between). It appears the house is absolutely livable–just maybe a few design things that look easy enough to change (and will ask my handy friend as he accompanies me tomorrow).

        I asked my realtor about the house in case she had shown it to others and had some info. She said she hadn’t heard anything bad and thinks it’s just a smidge on the small side (especially with other houses in the area which are easily 1700/1800/1900 sq. ft). And I think the fact that the main picture online shows the garage and the garage man door and not the front door don’t help (you have the garage/man door, then to the left is what is probably an add on (and is the dining room) and on the other side of THAT you have the front door. There’s no way to fit it all into the picture unless you probably stand on the other side of the street.

        1. Cruciatus*

          I meant of course tough market for buyers. Competition can be fierce and I’ve gained a 6th sense to know, just from online photos, which house will be gone in a day or two.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      House shopping is very tiring. It’s easier to say, “Pick one and be done with it.”

      Instead of looking for something you like, why not look for something that looks like it suits your life style?
      If it’s easy to live there, you will probably end up being quite happy.

      Closets. Building codes here say bedrooms must have closets. Therefore anything that has a closet and is not a living room or something else is considered a bedroom. This is for tax purposes. If the ad says it has x bedrooms, i would think there would be closets there.

      Homes in the city with wells and septics. In my area to put around 140 homes on a city sewer would be about $4M. yep, $4M. I have no idea about water costs but if the water line is near the septic then it has to be moved. So my guess is these home owner did not have the opportunity to go on the municipal service OR if they did then they could not afford the price to connect to the existing service. This is how these things happen.

      1. Cruciatus*

        Well, there is a part of me that is very indecisive. It takes me for.ever. to make certain decisions. Like, a year to buy my first flat panel TV. And by then all the tech was obsolete! So there really does need to be a point when I say “enough is enough!” (as long as it’s not awful). I’m taking friends with me tomorrow so if there are flaws I’m overlooking they will tell me. This house would be slightly closer to the starter home my mom wants me to get but not quite. And I think it does fit my current lifestyle. But I’m coming from a 3000 sq ft. house with walk in closets and relatively spacious bathrooms so a bathroom where my wingspan is nearly as long as the bathroom is a change. And I don’t think there are walk ins. But will the toilets and shower do what I need them to do? Most likely. Do I need all the crap I currently have in my walk in closet? I do not (and if I do, there are 2 other bedroom closets for that…).

        If a house was perfect except for the septic and well I would buy that house. It’s not a deal breaker, but so far there are enough other issues that it just makes it even easier to say no to those houses. There is another township nearby that is forcing its people to join the public sewer and water and I think it’s between 10K-20K a house. And they have to pay it themselves. Yeesh.

    3. ronda*

      i have a 1200 sq ft 3/2 house. it is plenty big enough for 1 person. :)

      But the closets….. it is an old house and the 2 br closets are about 3 ft wide. the 3rd br about 5 ft wide… no walk in. small bathrooms too…… that is how they did it in the old days.

      I did have my friends kid living with me while he attended nearby university so put up clothes rack in one of the BR to move my stuff out of 3rd bedroom. (so there are options)

      This was the only reasonably updated house I looked out in the neighborhood near where I worked (my main goal) and I love that it is near where I worked, so overall a great purchase for me. It is all a balance of what is most important to you.

      And i have watch enough HGTV to know you cant get what you will love on the cheap :) (their budgets on shows are often crazy)

    4. Cruciatus*

      BTW, went to the open house and some other people were there too. No agent…no agent… So finally I call the number on the sign in the yard and “Oh, the seller cancelled today’s open house. But if you want to see it just let me set up an appointment!” Apparently the agent showed it cancelled on Zillow/Realtor but if he did it wasn’t until very late yesterday because I checked one last time around 7 or 8 last night. And the sign in the yard still said OPEN HOUSE 12-12:45! The agent really should’ve taken care of that. I hope if the home owners were home that we didn’t make them nervous walking all over their yard and back of house… Argh.

  81. Kali*

    I broke up with someone two days ago. Well, long story. He broke up with me back in April. We’re both mature students (late 20s) and we’ve been together for a year and a half, since we met in halls. He just didn’t love me any more, and he told me that, very clearly. After a day, I suggested that we take 2 months apart – to the end of the exam period – and then re-evaluate our relationship. We started off not talking over the phone, but that started happening more and more. At the end of the period I was so sure that he’d enjoyed our phone calls – which were about the same as they’d been before – but he told me he still thought we should just be friends. Later, he came over and we had sex. We agreed to take a bit more time apart – 2 weeks – and then try dating again. My idea again. He suggested committing to two dates, planning one each, and then deciding. We had his date two days ago, which went great. I asked him at the end how he was feeling and he said he was still completely undecided. He went home, and I started thinking about my date. Should it be soon, to get it over with, or far away, to drag this out even longer? We were going to binge-watch Glow together, which would mean he’d have to meet my landladies kids, so, if it didn’t work out, I’d have to explain to them what had happened. I pictured the end of the date, when we’d have to have that same conversation, again.

    I decided not to do it. He told me, very clearly, over and over, that he didn’t love me any more. He also said he had doubts and he wasn’t sure, and that was what I’d been clinging to, but it wasn’t enough. Throughout our entire relationship, I made every first move. I lead every conversation. I made every plan. I was literally in the process of planning his third break-up with me.

    So I called him, and told him we weren’t doing that. He could man-up and commit to our relationship or just never call me again, because I was totally out of f-s to give and I just didn’t like this version of myself. I gave him that window because I loved him, but I don’t think he’ll call.

    I think I clung to the relationship for so long because I’m turning 30 next month, and I’m afraid of dying alone and/or never having children. That fear itself is the worst part of my life, and it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. It makes me cling to bad relationships, which just makes me feel more unlovable when they end. It keeps me from enjoying the present as much as I should. I’m not sure what to do about that, but I’m pretty good at working on myself, and recognising that it’s an irrational fear at least gives me something to work on. Speaking of working on myself, that time since April has been useful to me. I’ve worked on my commitment phobia and on the emotions I’ve been repressing. I managed to forgive my parents and the ex before this one, which released a lot of the residual anger, and has helped to prevent rage-explosions. So there have been upsides. I’m still working on those things, but I’m definitely doing better.

    1. nep*

      Good on ya for calling off that date you were going to plan, and for just facing what was going on and dealing with it.
      I really hope you’ll be able to come to a point where this fear won’t eat up your time and energy. Great that you’re recognising it’s an irrational fear. We never, from one day to the next, know what’s going to come our way. We could die at 30 or 90 or at any moment…so it doesn’t serve at all to seek out a partner just so as not to die alone.
      All in all it sounds as if you are making fantastic strides. Well done.
      Wishing you peace.

      1. Effie, who gets to be herself*

        I agree with everything nep said. Good for you for standing up for yourself and for the love and respect that you deserve. Keep taking care of yourself. Best of luck.

    2. Marie B.*

      Removed. I’ve asked you several times to follow the commenting rules here (and the multiple user names are not lost on me), so I’m now banning you from commenting further here. – Alison

    1. fposte*

      The comedian Nicole Sullivan is a huge backer; I remember her donating her celebrity poker winnings to them years ago.

    2. Melody Pond*

      They’re great! I learned about Alley Cat Allies through the Feral Cat Coalition of Oregon, when I volunteered for them a couple years ago. TNR for the win!

  83. Pedicure...worthwhile or no?*

    My cousin’s fiancée has a gift certificate for a nail salon and she wants to take me along with her for a pedicure as part of a bonding thing. Does anyone here have experience with getting a pedicure? How did you find it? Is it worthwhile to go? I didn’t want to go because I bristle at the thought of wearing polish but apparently I don’t need to get polish. The process is they will soak my feet in warm water with jets, cut/file my toenails, clean up my cuticles, use a stone and scrub to remove the dead skin on the bottom of my feet, give me a foot massage and put my feet in something called paraffin wax to soften them. Should I bother going or is it a complete waste of time. I have never had a pedicure so I have no idea. Thank-you for reading my question!

    1. Mananana*

      I love getting pedicures — it’s a great chance to kick back, relax, and enjoy the experience. (Disclaimer: if you don’t like someone touching your feet, don’t do it.)

    2. Thursday Next*

      If you’re okay with being touched, I say go for it. It’s a nice time to sit next to a friend and chat.

      I’m super ticklish, but I tell the nail technician that, and they keep away from the ticklish bits. And for me, the real value isn’t in the polish, but the callous removal and exfoliation.

      1. nep*

        Good points. And for some people there is a distinction to be made–OK with being touched where. I won’t have a full-body massage because can’t stand the thought of having a stranger’s hands on me in that way. But I was amazed at how much I enjoy a pedicure–I could have my feet massaged/groomed all day long.

    3. Hannah*

      I recently started getting them. I’d always avoided them in the past because I have a DON’T TOUCH MY FEET thing, but I have such dry yucky feet that I bit the bullet and went.

      I have to say I did not enjoy the experience, but I did enjoy the results. And the reason I didn’t enjoy the experience is that I don’t like people touching my feet. If that doesn’t bother you, you will probably enjoy it.

    4. Thlayli*

      Omg pedicures are amazing. You don’t need to do anything in advance. (I mean it’s polite to go with clean feet obviously). Just show up and enjoy.

      If you don’t like the thought of polish consider French manicure. It looks like no polish at all just really clean nails.

    5. Middle School Teacher*

      I get one every six weeks! If you’re fine with having your feet touched, they’re great. And no, you don’t need to get polish. There are lots of people at my salon who don’t get polish.

    6. Sam Foster*

      O. M. G. I love me my pedicures and make a point to get one every time I go to a “resort” in places known for it like Vegas or Mexico. Of course, it’s the add on wraps and massage that do it for me, the actual trimming is meh.

    7. IntoTheSarchasm*

      I get them in the summer and usually once over winter (Michigan). I get pretty tough calluses so it makes my feet feel much better. You should definitely try it unless you have issues with your feet being touched. Have never had paraffin but would love to try it, I understand it makes your skin soft and fresh feeling. I usually get some fun polish put on but fine to go without.

    8. CBE*

      I need to do this, but have heard stories of “bad” places. How do I know what is a “good” place to go?

      1. WS*

        Firstly, they should have a health department certificate on display. Secondly, observation. Have something minor done like their cheapest manicure and watch what they do – do they clean up? Use new, clean tools for each client? Do the staff have somewhere to sit or are they hunched up on plastic crates? Are they incredibly busy (in which case they’re probably not taking time to clean)? It’s pretty obvious from a quick look which places are good and which are just churning clients through. It’s not necessarily the most expensive places that are the best, but the super cheap ones are usually not great.

    9. all aboard the anon train*

      I think they’re worth it. I get them monthly during the spring and summer. I walk and run so much that it’s nice to get that dead skin off my feet and my nails painted.

      I don’t know what there is about nail polish that makes you bristle, but it’s not unusual to get a manicure or pedicure without polish.

    10. Merci Dee*

      I’ve gotten a few pedicures in the past, and I learned to enjoy them once I stopped letting them paint my toes. I’m extremely particular about the way my fingers are toes are painted, and I’ve never found a salon that does it in a way that I like. So I let them do the soaking, trimming, scrubbing, and massaging because it’s absolutely heavenly. Then, when I get home, I swipe some polish remover over my nails and paint them myself. After all, the prep work they’re doing at the salon is the hard part. The several layers of polish and clean-up is easy and only takes a few minutes between drying, and I’m usually doing things between coats.

    11. anonagain*

      Since your concern seems to be about the utility and not, say, a health concern or trauma that would make a pedicure a bad idea for you, I don’t think the relevant thing here is how useful it is to have your feet scrubbed or whatever. I think the more important issue is whether or not it’s worth spending time with someone who is part of your family and is showing you that she is interested in having a good relationship with you.

      If pedicures were something you couldn’t do for some reason, my advice would be to thank her warmly and invite her to join you in a different, low stakes activity that you can do (going to lunch, making ice cream, bowling, whatever).

      But it sounds like you can get a pedicure, you’re just skeptical. My view is that this would be a good time to just go along and be agreeable.

      1. ronda*

        yes. this person wants to spend some time with you and it is probably a nice idea to spend some time with her. so if you decide to refuse pedicure….. offer up a different thing to do.

        unless you meant that spending time with her would be a waste of time. if that is the case then just refuse any offer.

        but a pedicure is really nice.

    12. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      I refused for years thinking it was pointless vanity until a friend dragged me one day into a salon “for bonding” and found it to be just brilliant. And this is from someone who hates wearing nail polish (at least on fingers). I don’t do manicures, but I DO do pedicures, mostly because of the exfoliation/roughness of my heels, and I like getting the nails tidied up. You think “eh, how hard can trimming nails be? I can do that myself” – its like when you get a gardener in for the lawn and when they are done it looks incredible because they used an edger – that’s how nice it is for toes! :)

      I have sensitive feet and now have nerve problems with a toe on one foot and I just warn them in advance. A good salon they will keep an eye on you when they start on a problem area. Good salons also have decent chairs for soaking, well-labelled containers for materials, tools in disinfecting trays/jars and/or hygenically packaged where they tear off the packaging for each instrument. They should also be well-ventilated and have good stools for the workers.

      Oh and paraffin wax treatment is the bomb. I had it done on my hands once (one of the very few hand treatments Ive had, but no polish) and it felt amazing. So squishy and warm!

    13. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      I understand the no polish (or take your own “5 or 8 free” low chemical one). But I go at least 2x a year and get the trimming, callous treatment, paraffin/ massage done. I have really mediocre middle-vision (even with glasses) and it is lovely and pampering to know the nails are perfect and feet soft without pain or drama.
      I go in between with friends as a way to spend time or by myself if I need a treat (significant event).
      I will get my nails (no polish) done at the same time, often, just to have the shaping/pampering.

      Read yelp/reviews and pay attention to the cleanliness. I picked up the most voracious athlete’s foot ever at an expensive and trendy – but busy – place in Boston while visiting a friend there. It took oral medication to cure it. Now I pay close attention to how diligent they are with the disinfectant/ using bowl liners in the spa chairs, etc, while I’m waiting. I’ll leave if I see them short cut.

    14. LilySparrow*

      Late to the party, but I’m meh on pedicures.

      I’d go in this situation, where someone is treating. Or if there were a group I really wanted to spend time with, and they had their hearts set on it.

      But I don’t particularly like sitting still and being fussed over about anything. It’s mostly boring and annoying. Not something I’d choose for fun, or my idea of luxury.

      To me, it would be like scheduling a dental cleaning for fun. I like my dentist and he never hurts or anything, but….why would you do that?

  84. Gaia*

    Okay this might be a bit TMI so if you’re not up for reading about the bodily functions of the genetically female of our species…be warned :)

    A bit over two years ago I got the Nexplanon implant (progesterone only birth control). Before this I’d been pretty lucky that my periods were short and light for many years starting in my 20s (before that they were fairly short and light but left me physically nauseous to the point of being unable to function on Day 1). That ended with an insanely heavy period that lasted 8 (yes, EIGHT) weeks. I was (of course) terrified but this sudden change but the gyno cleared me and said sometimes this happens as women enter their 30s and their hormones begin to change. He gave me some pills that got it to stop and we switched me from The Pill to Nexplanon.

    Nexplanon has been great. No periods. Few side effects. And best of all – I don’t have to think about it. Well…until last week. It started with some really minor spotting (I’ve had literally none in 2 years so this is a definite change) which I just shrugged off because in the grand scheme that isn’t much of a hassle. But now my GP has also mentioned that this could be contributing to my struggle in my weight loss (Nexplanon is, apparently, known for weight gain).

    So now I’m considering getting it removed and going to something else but – here’s the dilemma: I’m terrible about taking a pill, I don’t want periods (ideally none, I’ve gotten quite used to not dealing with them!), and as someone prone to acne I’m concerned about anything that might cause that to rear up.

    Obviously, I’ll be talking to my gyno but I thought I’d hit up AAM as well. Any advice? Any great options you’ve found? Anything to definitely avoid?

    2. Elegance*

      I’ve had the Mirena for four years and absolutely love it. I haven’t had a period since getting it. Definitely worth talking to your doctor about!

    3. Red Reader*

      I’ve been on depo for umpteen years (longer than is usually recommended but I have had no problems and my doc is being mindful) for exactly those reasons; I’m rubbish at taking pills regularly and I didn’t want a monthly. In fact, that second half is why I haven’t just gotten myself permanently sterilized – sterilization options won’t abolish the visitor.

      1. Red Reader*

        That said, my experience is that people either love it or massively hate it, and there’s not much in-between.

    4. Not All Who Wander*

      I loathed Mirena…I was in agony for almost a week after it was put in (to the point I went into ER because I thought it had punctured a wall). Then I bled & had such severe cramping I had to call out of work at least monthly for 2 yrs before I finally told my doctor where to go had had it removed.

      I’m using depo now and that seems to be working to stop my periods completely. I tried depo decads ago & wasn’t happy with it but they’ve reformulated it and I’m now really happy.

      (My issue is actually stopping periods completely…I’ve had incredibly heavy to the point of severe anemia as well as intensely painful since I was in Jr High. If we can’t continue to stop mine, the next step is hysterectomy for me. I can’t do the combo pill continously anymore unfortunately bc of a combination of a genetic predisposition towards blood clots, age, & borderline blood pressure)

    5. LizB*

      I was on Nuvaring for a long time and loved it! I have a Paragard (copper, non-hormonal) IUD now, but if I ever go back to hormonal methods I’ll go straight for Nuvaring. You can skip periods if you want, you only have to remember to swap them once a month instead of remembering to take a pill every day, and it had way fewer side effects for me than either the pill or Nexplanon (Nexplanon gave me tons of side effects, including weight gain). Obviously everyone is different, but if you’ve never tried Nuvaring, you could give it a shot before you try Mirena or something else longer-term.

      1. Merci Dee*

        I did Nuvaring for a while, too, and it was okay. Apparently, I’m shaped weird, and there was no way I could get it inside that I didn’t feel it. I had better success with the birth control patch, but I’m not even sure if that’s still an option anymore. Only thing I had to remember with the patch was to put it in a different place each time, because the adhesive could cause a skin reaction.

    6. Sparrow*

      As other people have said, the Mirena IUD is another “don’t have to worry about it” option. It’s a similar hormone to what’s in the Nexplanon, but a lower dose is needed because the hormone doesn’t have to travel as far. For many people Mirena stops periods as well. I have one and I love it. I get a teeny bit of spotting every 3 months or so, which can easily be managed with a liner.
      If you like the Nexplanon but the spotting continues or gets worse, one option is to take a short corse (5-7 days) of the Pill (with estrogen) which stabilizes the uterine lining.

    7. Persephone Mulberry*

      I’m on my third Mirena. I will keep getting it replaced every 5 years for as long as my doctor will let me.

      I did depo for a few years after my first kid was born but I think it contibuted to some weight gain and squashed my libido.

    8. Amber Rose*

      Just to be different: I’ve been on the patch for like 8 years. Much like the pill you don’t have to take a week off, and you only have to remember to swap it once a week.

      It’s not super attractive, if you’re worried about having a sticker on you all the time, but I’ve had no other issues with it.

    9. Polyhymnia O'Keefe*

      I’m on my second Mirena — 8 years total so far. I love it. I haven’t had a period in 7 1/2 years, including when I got the IUD switched out. The doctor said that I might see some spotting or bleeding with the switch, but I really didn’t. I experienced a few days of discomfort and bleeding, about 6 weeks of discharge, and about 6 months of increasingly lighter periods when I had the first one put in, and have had virtually nothing since.

    10. WS*

      I have PCOS and massively heavy and random periods. Mirena has been fantastic for me – I had a very light period for about 6 weeks after it was put in, then nothing. Nexplanon and Mirena can both cause an acne outbreak when inserted, but it usually settles down within a month. They have similar weight gain profiles in the general population, but, anecdotally, people who tend to gain weight on Nexplanon may not on Mirena and vice versa.

    11. The Other Dawn*

      I’m on the pill and have been since I was 16 (I’m 43 now). My doctor suggested switching to an IUD–Kylena, I think–and I’m seriously considering it. Although it would normally would be changed out at five years, she said I could get seven out of it (I guess because I’m older and don’t need as much hormone)…”and that will carry you through to menopause!” I could have done without hearing that, as I’ve been going to her since I was 16 and it instantly made me feel old. LOL I’m definitely nervous about the insertion, but I think I just need to suck it up and do it. I’d love to not have periods anymore.

    12. Reba*

      Like others, I have a hormonal IUD and love it (I’m on the second one). We have had some past threads on here where people talked at greater length about what it is like, so maybe give that a search! Good luck.

  85. LGC*

    Okay, so – after FOREVER, I’m finally learning how to drive. (If you want to ask how I managed to survive thirty-something years in suburbia without a car: New Jersey Transit will get you anywhere you want if you don’t have a time limit.) Anyone else pick up driving as an adult? Tips? Advice?

    (I actually got my learner’s permit – again – a couple of weeks ago, but haven’t been practice driving yet. Looking for schools in my area that are good but not too expensive.)

    1. Forking Great Username*

      Practice as much as you can! The more frequently you’re behind the wheel, the sooner you’ll feel at ease with it – and feeling at ease definitely impacts your driving ability! My mom is a nervous driver who didn’t learn until she was an adult and ugh, I hate being in a car with her. For some reason she constantly moves the steering wheel a little bit right, then a little bit left, then back right…constantly. Just hold the freaking steering wheel straight, mom. It’s like her hands are so tense/tight on the wheel that it’s never being held still!

    2. I'm A Little Teapot*

      I learned as a teen, but really focus. No radio, no talking. No kids or animals in the car. As much as possible, stick with one car to practice in. Don’t drive if you’re upset. The more you practice, the better you’ll get. Specifically practice in rain, snow, ice, etc (in parking lots or other low risk areas). Night driving is also a very different thing, so specifically practice that too. Otherwise, good luck!

      1. KL*

        Yes to the practice night driving. I was recently driving home at night and was stuck behind someone who had no business driving without the sun.

      2. Ismis*

        I started to learn again recently, and for me, it’s better to have the radio on! My instructor’s point of view is that there are distractions all around you so better to get used to them. That being said, I had already learned to drive over 5 years ago (never got good enough to do the test though) so maybe at the very start, it’s better to have everything off. I know that when I started getting more practice in back then, I found I really didn’t like having silence in the car.

        I was in my 30’s when I first started driving lessons, so here is my advice:
        – make sure you’re happy with your instructor – I gave up back then partly because the instructor really stressed me out and I actively started to hate driving. A friend had taught me the basics and I was fine until about 5 lessons in with the new guy.
        – it really is all about the practice. It can be very frustrating for a long time, but then, things seem to come together all of a sudden.
        – figure out what lesson length works for you. I found that after 45 minutes, I would start to make basic mistakes. That was my brain’s limit when I started to learn.
        – if you are nervous, get an instructor with a dual control car.

        Enjoy!

    3. heckofabecca*

      Congrats on getting your LP again! Took me 2 goes as an adult also XD

      I learned to drive from my husband. Learning from someone you know won’t work for everyone, but he’s a good teacher and it was free so *shrug*. Cemetery is still a GREAT place to start. That’s where I did my first driving. Practice there until you feel comfortable, then some local quiet neighborhoods you’re familiar with, building up to busier areas and so on. And as Forking said, practice practice! Good luck!

    4. Woodswoman*

      I got my license at 40. I was phobic and kept putting it off before then. Over the years, I tried learning from different people that I knew. Inevitably that made me too self-conscious, the learner’s permit would expire, and I was back where I started.

      Here’s what worked for me. I found a highly rated and affordable driving school, and it really helped to be with an instructor who was used to nervous students. He just responded perfectly and didn’t engage my anxiety, and he was a calming influence and proceeded at a pace that was customized for me. The other factor that helped was seeing a therapist who specialized in helping people with phobias. I did a single session of EMDR (lots of info about this technique online). The driving school and the EMDR together were a formula for success.

      That was many years ago, and now I actually enjoy driving and forget it was ever something that scared me unless I’m asked about it. A therapist I know socially told me that’s the sign of getting past a phobia, that you forget you ever had it. Good luck–I’m cheering for you!

    5. LizB*

      If you’re learning from a friend, family member, or other person in your life who isn’t a trained driving instructor, make sure you’re checking your blind spots even more than that person says to — checking them becomes so second nature for most experienced drivers (who aren’t professional driving teachers) that they forget to verbalize when they’re doing it, and their students don’t pick up the habit. I failed my first driving test because I didn’t check my blind spots enough, and the test person said it’s a common problem with folks who are taught by laypeople. (And now I’m helping my sister learn to drive, and I totally forget to remind her to check her blind spots because it’s so automatic for me now!)

    6. WS*

      I got mine at 26 – after years of living in cities with great public transport I moved to a rural area with literally none! I really recommend a driving school because they are not just experienced drivers but experienced driving teachers, which is a skillset that your family and friends may not have. There’s lots of driving schools that advertise teaching nervous drivers, which you may not be, but they’re generally good with non-teenage learners as well. My driving teacher told me that teens and adults learn quite differently, because teens have great reflexes and pick up the skills fast, but often have no common sense; adults get anxious but are far less likely to get themselves in trouble in the first place.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      I helped an adult age friend get her license.
      One of her concerns was being that “old” person waiting to take the test. We found other people who had waited a while to get their license, also. I don’t think anything totally removes that concern, but it’s good to realize everyone goes by their own pace and needs.

      What we did and I think it helped is we drove for a bit, after a successful try at doing something we called it a day.See, a lot of people wait until they mess something up and then go home in or near tears. Do something well, then go home.
      We worked like this for a while. Stunningly, my amazing friend was cut off in traffic one day by an aggressive driver. My friend’s response was, “I am going to go around the block again. I am going to this well and then I am going to go home.” Wow. Just wow. She had a good scare and turned that good scare on its head.
      Don’t wait until you are tired or tired and weepy to call it a day on your lesson. Plan on noticing that you have done well with something and then go home. Start again on a different day. This may mean you only drive for 15-20 minutes when you go, don’t worry about how much time you spend. Focus on repeatedly getting out there.

    8. LGC*

      Thanks for all the advice! I am looking at driving schools – I talked with my family and they aren’t willing to be in the car unless I take lessons again.

  86. Not All Who Wander*

    Anyone have any successful ways to preserve a TON of summer squash? I always get carried away in the spring planting! I have yellow crookneck, patty pans, zucchini, & cucuzza (my favourite for soup/stew…if you’ve never had it you should try it!) Tonight alone I picked almost 15 lbs and they are barely getting going!

    The only thing I absolutely can’t stand is anything with bell peppers. Other than that I’m open to anything….pickles, canning, freezing….can you make crispy chips somehow?

    Save me from myself!

    (Yes, I will also be distributing them among neighbors, coworkers, friends, etc.)

    1. Elisabeth*

      Yes! With the crispy chips. I recommend baking them. If you have a mandoline slicer for really thin bits. But basically, sprinkle them with salt and anything else you want to flavor them. Toss them in just a BIT of olive oil, lay them out on a pan, and bake them at 350 for 15-20 minutes? Depending on the thickness of the slices. (Basically just watch for them to start browning.)

      I recommend blanching them before freezing, just like the already frozen ones from the grocery store. Also, tossing them with parmesan (if you’re not vegan and not allergic) and some italian seasoning or garlic salt and baking them in wedge shapes ALSO delicious!

      1. Not All Who Wander*

        Thanks! I’m so excited that someone has succeeded in making crispy chips from them! Do you put them straight on the baking sheet? Parchment paper? A rack? (I have basically every type cooking equipment ever invented except a sous vide & a salamander …which I’m planning on as my xmas present to myself :-) )

        1. BeenThere*

          I made crispy chips with Zuke. I put it on parchment and brushed on just the tiniest bit of olive oil and then sprinkled with sea salt. You can probably try lots of seasonings. Just watch them… and flip them. Look online… I know I saw directions.

          Also you can cut, clean and freeze the squash. I cut it and lay it out on a cookie sheet (on parchment paper) and then freeze it. Once it’s frozen, i toss it all in a container or zip bag. It doesn’t stick together that way and I can take out just a few pieces at a time.

    3. Middle School Teacher*

      The New York Times just had a recipe for summer squash fritters with a garlic dipping sauce. I haven’t made them yet, but they looked amazing!

    4. ronda*

      if you have more than people you know want…… you might want to donate to a food bank type charity.

      1. Not All Who Wander*

        I looked into that…unfortunately the ones around here will no longer accept any fresh items. I sympathize that they are harder to handle but fresh fruit & veggies are so important for health. I wish they would at least let people put out a free box/table or something :(

    5. Mimosa Jones*

      I’m the type of person who just throws things in the freezer without blanching. I’ve thrown whole tomatoes into the freezer. Note: don’t do that…core them first…otherwise they’re fine. Things I freeze like that tend to get used in soups and stews so texture isn’t as important and it doesn’t change that much. You could also shred a bunch of it and freeze it in 2 cup portions for gratings, casseroles and baked goods. You’ll lose a lot of liquid when it thaws but most recipes will do fine. You could also experiment with dehydrating some.

    6. LuJessMin*

      The woman in a blog I follow used a dehydrator. She would use the dehydrated veggies in soups, stews, and casseroles.

  87. Elisabeth*

    To add insult to the injury that is my daily life recently, I have a wisdom tooth erupting (a month from turning 30), and I’ve been having really bad headaches.

    I hesitate to call them migraines because I know some people are felled by migraines for days. They seem to be super triggered by changes in barometric pressure. As in, if I get one of ~these~ headaches, I immediately check for bad thunderstorms headed our way. A hurricane really will put me in bed for a while.

    I know it’s not my eyesight because I just got my eyes checked. And I don’t think it has anything to do eye strain because if it were, it would be a daily occurrence.

    Does anyone else have horrible headaches that seem to be triggered by thunderstorms? If so, would it be worth seeing a doctor for migraine specific medication? It’s almost impossible to get through the workday or any other day when they hit, but normally I can push through well enough if I take 800mg of ibuprofen.

    1. BeenThere*

      Absolutely! The change in barometric pressure triggers both me and my husband. If it’s only with the weather changes, I’d stick with the ibuprofen. I don’t think you want to go any more hard core than that on meds if it’s just occasional. I know they can be brutal. Maybe keep an eye on the weather and start pre-medicating a day in advance if you see a change coming?? I used to do that with cramps and it saved the day!

    2. Gaia*

      Okay so here’s the deal. I used to get headaches like what you were describing. And I got them right about the time a wisdom tooth was erupting. When I got the wisdom tooth removed, the headaches stopped. I asked the oral surgeon about this in my follow-up and he said it was likely because the root of my wisdom tooth was sitting just inside my sinus cavity. So when the air pressure changed, it messed with my sinus cavity which was already irritated by having a tooth root hanging out and …. ta da …. nasty headache.

      It may or may not be the same as with you, but it might be worth looking into that wisdom tooth more if the timings are related.

      Also: stopped getting ear infections. Bonus!

      1. Elisabeth*

        Hmmm. The wisdom tooth is on the bottom. But I do have bad allergies and it could be that my sinus infection never properly went away…hmmm.

        1. Jenny F. Scientist*

          I had something very similar, including bad allergies, and it turned out I had a bone spur in my sinus and something something swelling nerves –> headache. If nobody else helps it might be worth seeing an ENT!

        2. Extra Vitamins*

          Where are your other 3 wisdom teeth? They can cause sinus issues without erupting. I get an opposite issue, where sinus pressure can cause tooth pain.

          1. Kate*

            I thought I was the only one! I can tell I have, or am getting a sinus infection when my teeth start hurting but no one else seems to have heard of such a thing.

    3. anon24*

      Migraines are a very complex thing and come in all types with all kinds of symptoms (it’s possible to have painless migraines) and just because you aren’t out for days doesn’t mean it’s not one! I get migraines from barometric pressure changes. I also get migraines from:
      Being hungry
      Being thirsty
      Too much physical work
      Not enough physical work
      Stress
      Being tired
      Bright sunlight for too long
      Dim lighting for too long
      Too hot out
      Too cold out

      Yeah… I get them from everything. Sounds like you should see a doctor if it’s causing this much disruption in your life.

      1. Elisabeth*

        Yikes! I’m so sorry that happens for you. I do have low blood pressure too, so sometimes if they hurt too bad my blood pressure lowers from the stress and then my eyes won’t focus. So that’s not ideal. Thanks for the advice!

        1. anon24*

          Also, I highly recommend a headache hat. It’s a wrap filled with little gel pockets that you keep in the freezer and then wear when you have a headache. My mom bought me one and I was skeptical but I love it so much I bought another one. I even wear them sometimes when it’s hot out and I don’t have a headache. I got mine off amazon and they are so soothing when your head is throbbing.

      1. Elisabeth*

        They’ve been happening a lot longer than the tooth. The tooth is just a pain in the ass! Or the face. Adults were not meant to teethe.

    5. KR*

      I get migraines and headaches frequently. Changes in barometric pressure reliably give me severe migraines. Like I just assume if a rainy front moves in I will get an awful migraine. If it rains for like a week or two I won’t continue to have one (but headaches/migraines will be more frequent) but that change in weather takes me down every time. Ruins my day. I have to sleep it off with an ice pack to my forehead and take muscle relaxers. You’re not alone in this. They sound like migraines and they are significantly impacting your life if it’s almost impossible to get through the workday and it puts you in bed.
      There are medicines to take. I take muscle relaxers because migraines to me are linked to jaw tension but a doctor can help you determine the right medicine for you. Excedrin can help some.

    6. Thlayli*

      FYI I’ve known people with way less symptoms than you’ve described who use the word migraine. I don’t know if there is a specific diagnosis or if migraine just means “really bad headache” but what you’ve described sounds really really bad.

      I’ve heard good things about codeine for migraines. Have you seen a doctor yet?

      1. Red Reader*

        There’s actually a ton of different types of migraine diagnosis, clinically speaking. But it’s one of those terms that lay folks also frequently use colloquially, regardless of the actual clinical aspects, and folks generally know roughly what they mean.

    7. Buu*

      I get headaches with thunderstorms, but they tend to feel different to migraines which for me feel like suddenly getting the flu. I take very strong migraine tablets and they make me feel almost normal. I can have migraines for a few hours or ( without meds) days, so don’t discount yourself if they are short.
      Dental issues can cause headaches if they press upon the nerves, I had a really bad cluster of headaches once and it turned out I had an upper jaw infection!
      If the migraines only started after the wisdom tooth, you may need to see a dentist, I’d schedule a dental checkup anyway if you haven’t had one for a while and tell the dentist about the headaches. But yeah GP also a route to check out, I was felled for days at a time before I saw my GP as a teen to get migraine meds. My Grandmother told me it couldn’t be migraines as I didn’t get the aura, eventually I just went and Doc said symptoms vary and gave me the meds.
      If a medical issue is interfering with daily life absolutely get it checked out.

    8. WS*

      Facial nerves are really complex, and it’s extremely common for referred pain (i.e. pain not in the actual site of injury/inflammation) to occur in the face. Pressure changes affect your sinuses, and they can indeed be a migraine trigger, but they can also just be a really nasty headache trigger. If the original cause is your wisdom tooth, ibuprofen is probably your best bet, but if it is your sinuses you could try steroid nasal sprays (regularly) or pseudoephedrine (before the pressure drops) to relieve that. Personally, I have long-term sinus issues and if I don’t keep them under control a pressure drop can trigger a migraine; if I keep them under control it’s far less likely.

    9. ronda*

      i think you mentioned low blood pressure below.

      my chronic headaches were high blood pressure related… blood pressure meds fixed the headaches.
      and they were worse with barometric pressure changes.

    10. the gold digger*

      Changes in air pressure are a migraine trigger for me, too. (And yeah – I hate to call my headaches “migraines,” as I can still function while I have one – I just wish I didn’t have to.)

      The only painkiller that works for me – and it doesn’t even always work – is imitrex (which is finally generic, although I would happily burn a $20 bill to make the pain go away) or relpax. Ask your doctor for an RX just to try them. It’s so nice to feel the pain leave.

      1. Windchime*

        I get migraines for all kinds of reasons (and sometimes for no identifiable reason at all). They are usually triggered by stress or too much sugar, though. And my migraines have many different “levels”–sometimes, like Gold Digger, I can function through them with the help of an (generic) Imitrex. Other times, they are so severe that all I want to do is vomit and die. They can last anywhere from a few hours to several days.

        Migraines suck. My mom used to get terrible migraines. Two of my sisters and I both get them, and one of my sons also gets them. He tried Imitrex when he was younger, but the only thing that reliably works for him is pain pills like Vicodin. If he can take a couple of Vicodin and then sleep, he can usually beat it.

  88. Red*

    My husband and I are still separated. I’m starting to enjoy having the apt to myself. I’ve never lived on my own before and I think I kinda love it. We had our first session of couples therapy this morning and it went really well, we both like working with the therapist we chose. And it looks like my husband will be coming back home fairly soon. I miss him very much but I’m also gonna miss my space. Oh well. We’re getting a big apartment when our lease is up and that’s that. To hell with the current budget. Never did me any favors anyway. Jerk.

    1. Buu*

      Not always practical with an apartment but if you can both have your own private spaces to retreat to in the new apt it might help?

      1. Not All Who Wander*

        Or an activity that you each do AT DIFFERENT TIMES out of the house so you each get the place entirely to yourself for at least a few consistent hours each weekend?

        I think we get sold this societal story that couples should do everything together and it seems like most of the happiest, longest-term couples I know well don’t do that. They may do most things together, but they each have something they do completely on their own to give each other space too.

  89. nep*

    Anyone use Crest Gum Detoxify toothpaste? Like it? Dislike it? Paying a lot extra for…meh? Any noticeable change/results?

    1. Woodswoman*

      Not sure if this is what you’re asking, but the single best thing that improved my gums was changing to a Dr. Barman’s toothbrush, recommended by my dentist. It’s designed like a scrub brush, not the usual toothbrush shape. I had problems with my gums and once I switched a few years ago, my difficulties stopped. Cheaper than changing toothpaste brands for sure.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I use hydrogen peroxide and baking soda on a Phillips Sonicare toothbrush.

      I firmly believe that I messed up my mouth when I failed to replace my last electric tooth brush. I went several years with out it.

      The dentist said to get that particular brand of brush. There’s a price range, I bought one of the cheaper ones. I make sure that I hit the gumline and a little above with it.

      For flossing, he said to use this:
      https://www.plackers.com/product/angle-dental-brushes
      He went to extra effort to be sure I understood to get the ones that are at an angle. Plackers makes many products so it’s easy to get lost.
      I do this instead of flossing. Odd to say but flossing hurt my cheeks. It was difficult to reach the back. This solves that problem. I dip it in the mouth rinse I use and methodically stick it between each tooth. I have also used the side of it to go over the spots where teeth have been removed. I wait until the site is solidly healed and it’s just a hole there. I can kind of “rake” things out using this method.
      I have been very happy with it, I won’t go back to fussing with floss string again.

    3. ronda*

      my dentist gave me a sample…. it seems a little bubblyier than regular toothpaste… but i did read a little about it and seems that detoxify really means nothing clinically.

      i am trying electric toothbrush and think it helps. I got phillips sonic care. and i just found a triple headed brush that makes it much easier for me to get back teeth. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B077GZDH3C/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o00_s01?ie=UTF8&psc=1

      my sister says she bought rotodent thru her orthidontist when she had braces and really liked it.

      I am also one with gum problems

      1. Woman of a Certain Age*

        I went and bought a Sonicare brush and a Waterpik. They didn’t really help very much and I was very disappointed. Afterwards my dental hygienist told me that I needed to buy one of the more expensive brushes (I bought the cheapest one) that has adjustable settings and that I should always use the lowest, most gentle setting. She also said that I should always purchase the “extra soft” or “gentle” brushheads. And when buying regular toothbrushes to get the “ultra soft” ones. Buying “soft” toothbrushes just isn’t good enough.

        I find it a fine line to walk between brushing thoroughly and overdoing it to where I irritate my gums. I’ve had some good luck with an ayurvedic toothpaste from India that contains “neem” and also with tea tree oil mouthwashes. They’re very soothing and seem to reduce redness and irritation.

        The other thing I’ve noticed is that I cannot just sip a cup of coffee or tea or a soda at work. The sugar just seems to make things worse. If I do sip on something at my desk on work, it has to be without sugar.

  90. Woodswoman*

    Not sure if this is what you’re asking, but the single best thing that improved my gums was changing to a Dr. Barman’s toothbrush, recommended by my dentist. It’s designed like a scrub brush, not the usual toothbrush shape. I had problems with my gums and once I switched a few years ago, my difficulties stopped. Cheaper than changing toothpaste brands for sure.

  91. Anonymosity*

    It was two years ago today that I lost my kitty (who also bit me that day and put me in the hospital for the weekend — thanks kitty, appreciate that). Still miss her bitching at me about every little thing, LOL. I’ve been thinking about her a lot today.

    To Pig! *clinks glass*

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DhiaevtUwAAsQUK.jpg

    1. Merci Dee*

      She looked lovely and…. attitudinous. I bet she was feisty, and you have a ton of fun stories about her.

      1. Anonymosity*

        It is. :)
        This pic was taken in June 2012, on the day Venus passed in front of the sun. I was outside with welder’s glass and a camera trying to take a picture of the sun (not that my camera was good enough to capture the planet’s transit). She was sitting there like “Oh FFS. Whatever, hooman.” Hahaha.

    5. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Aw. <3

      I loved your stories about Pig. I'll raise a glass to her tonight.

  92. MsChandandlerBong*

    Can anyone recommend a good place to get plus-sized, short-sleeved shirts? My typical outfit is a sleeveless top with a shrug/short-sleeved cardigan over it. My outfits work fine most of the time, but I live in an area that gets over 100 degrees most days during the summer. Even a shrug made out of thin fabric makes me hotter than I want to be. However, my upper arms are awful. I would never in a million years wear a sleeveless top in public without something over it. I am looking for some short-sleeved tops, but I find that a lot of places (Dress Barn, for example) make shirts that fit me everywhere else but are too tight around the arms. I went to an outdoor concert last night and nearly died from being hot and sweaty–I need something that I can wear by itself without adding extra fabric on top of it.

    I do not wear regular T-shirts, so I’m looking for knit tops or tops made from a dressier fabric. I also want a sleeve that goes down to my elbow–none of those capped sleeves that just highlight the fact that my arms are huge.

    1. WS*

      I had the same problem, as I have really big upper arms (both proportionally and actually), but eShakti started shipping to my country and you get a choice of sleeve length there. Any alterations from the basic pattern costs $15, and you can also have the sleeve diameter enlarged if you want. The other thing you can do is buy a long sleeved shirt and either alter it or have it altered fairly cheaply. Capped sleeves are terrible, why even bother???

      1. MsChandandlerBong*

        That describes me perfectly. My upper arms, compared to my forearms/wrists, look like they were plucked off someone else’s body and glued to mine. They do not match the rest of my arms at all. It’s like every ounce immediately travels right to my bicep area.

    2. OperaArt*

      I have the same problem with my upper arms, and I have the shrug collection to show it. Here’s another vote for eShakti, especially if you decide to buy woven fabric blouses and tops. Custom measurements and any sleeve length you want. And either modesty buttons at the bust line, or bottons so close together that it doesn’t matter.
      I don’t know your age, but if you’re willing to go to stores meant for “mature” women you’ll be more likely to find tops with sleeves. Think Talbots or Jones New York.

    3. ronda*

      I have been getting the JM collection shirts in the Womens dept at macys. Lots of colorful patterns.

      I don’t think I have ever had a shirt that i had problems with the sleeve being to tight… so i might not be hitting that requirement well.

      My sister does not like the fabric they use in these shirts, but I am fine with it.

    4. nep*

      I’m always going to suggest an occasional look at thredUP, just because you’ve got at your fingertips a selection of so many brands–you might find a brand & style there that works and you can later seek out in the stores or online. They’re constantly updating so look at ‘new arrivals’ from time to time while you’re seeking elsewhere. Returns could not be easier.
      Good luck.

    5. periwinkle*

      My wardrobe is basically 60% Talbots. They have a fabulous plus size collection and lots of elbow-length tops (both knit and woven) with dressy details. Even the short-sleeve tops are often designed with longer than usual sleeves for the plus version. They get it.

  93. Effie, who gets to be herself*

    Hi all! I received some lovely insight from Anonymous Pterodactyl in the July 4th Open Thread for this, and I’d love some more if anyone has any!

    I’ve been dating a lovely polyam man for about two months now, and his primary partner and I are going to meet (with him present) in a few weeks. I’m super nervous, and I’ve never done this before. He hasn’t been in this position before since all his previous partners knew his primary partner already, before they started dating. So far he’s been pretty supportive and still lovely, which is nice. I’d love some advice though! Anyone else been in this position before?

    I’ve heard from others that it’s a good idea for metamours to meet because it humanizes the other person and can prevent jealously. However I’ve been pretty chill about her existence; I actually kind of enjoy it when he mentions her because he gets so happy.

    What other good reasons could there be for meeting her? (Other than it’ll make the man I’m dating happy. Note – the three of us are going to meet in a public place for coffee; it’s not like we’re going to meet at a party or home thankfully)

    1. Forking Great Username*

      I’m not poly, but going off what I know about it and dating relationships in general, I would say the main good reason to meet her is that she’s a very important person in his life! If I’m close to someone, whether that means I’m in a relationship or a friendship with them, I like to get to know the important people in their life at least a bit – I see it as a part of getting to know them better.

    2. Thlayli*

      Well the obvious reasons to meet I can think of are:

      1 if you are both having sex with the same person then unless you are extremely careful with std protection you will catch anything they have and vice versa. So you should make sure they are the type of person to practice safe sex, especially if they are also seeing other people outside the primary relationship. I personally wouldn’t have sex without a condom unless I’ve been exclusive for 3 months and seen recent test results from my partner, and in this situation I would want recent test results from their other sexual partner(s) too. Obv I’m not suggesting you bring that up on the first meeting, but it’s something you might need in the future, so you need to have an initial meeting at some point.

      2 if you end up in a long term relationship with your partner and he is still in a long term relationship with the other person, then you will have a lot of logistics to sort out – who lives where, sharing bills, possibly childcare/custody stuff.

      3 as pp said they are an important person in the life of the person you love – so it’s polite and nice to meet them.

    3. Penguin*

      Ditto on things said by others before me!

      Also, you might make a new friend! She’s a person your partner likes, you like your partner, ergo there is at least a reasonable chance that she will be a person you like, and meeting new people you turn out to like is awesome! I’m not suggesting that the two of you absolutely will or must be BFFs, simply that the odds are reasonably good that you will have things in common with this person and enjoy each other’s company and isn’t that a good thing to (hopefully) learn?

      I’m not particularly close with the metamour whose company I do enjoy, but it’s nice to hang out with him at group social events and I’m glad we have the “hey good to see ya what are you up to oh tell me more about that thing it sounds cool” relationship that we do.

  94. Amber Rose*

    So… I’ve been listening to comedy music lately and I’ve been looking the same few Ninja Sex Party songs over and over. My husband is worried that I have a problem. It’s more just that one, my personality is such that when I find a new song I love I must listen to it until the words have lost all meaning, and two, my horrible depression lately leaves me desperate for things that will make me laugh.

    I can’t sleep, I have eaten nothing but cereal for a week (some kind of wicked stomach virus) and I feel personally unfulfilled. It’s hard to pick myself back up right now.

    I also did get a new phone today. So far it’s cool. The sound on it is better than my laptop. Shopping therapy.

    1. Amber Rose*

      Ugh. Looking should be LOOPING. New phone autocorrect has some learning to do.

    2. Roseberriesmaybe*

      I am the same with music! I listen to one song until I’m thoroughly sick of it. At the moment, it’s “Three Lions (Football’s coming home)”
      If I don’t stop I’m gonna got kicked out of my country (Ireland)

  95. I Am Still Furious!!*

    Divorce saga update! And I want to say how much I appreciate everyone’s comments. This has been great to be able to discuss things here and has helped me a lot.

    I canceled the Xfinity account at my old house yesterday. Background: STBEXH said he would take over the account in his name, rather than me canceling it and him applying for a new account. I offered this option a few months ago so he could avoid paying a deposit, credit check, etc. and still keep the internet/phone service at the house. I called Xfinity, they mailed paperwork, I filled everything out and even put little post-it flags where he had to sign, and provided an addressed, stamped envelope. **crickets**

    So then I was billed for May. He “lost” the paperwork. I had kept a copy (been down this road before) so I gave it to him again. Then I was billed for June. He “forgot” to send it in. Yesterday I was checking my credit card statement, and I was billed for July. I called him. He claims he mailed it in a month ago, but he didn’t know when, and he said he wasn’t worried about it and didn’t care if he had the service or not. So, I called Xfinity and canceled the service effective immediately. I’ll get a credit check via mail in 4-6 weeks, and I have to take the modem back, but that’s a small price to pay. Done with that!

    And after 17 days and many reminders, he finally signed off the title of our old SUV at the notary, but waited until 25 minutes until closing time yesterday, so I have to go up on Monday to complete my part. At least that’s done.

    He’s still not completely out of the house, and now we’re looking at later this week. I’ve decided that when I clean out the house, anything I come across that is clearly “his”, I’m going to bag up in big garbage bags and tell him to come pick them up or they’re going to the landfill.

    Next hurdle will be with the electric company, the bill at the house has always been in just his name (for 28 years!) and now I need to get it into mine. I’ve always paid it, of course, and the bank account they have on file for online payments is mine, in my name, but I anticipate some sort of argument with them. It may just me being anxious though – we’ll see.

    115 days to go before the papers are processed at the courthouse. I can do this!

    1. Lora*

      The weird problem I had with bills was that when he set up his new account, they turned mine off even though it had been carefully explained why his new account was new. I came home to no power and it took a week to sort out. Then they would send my statement to his apartment, I’d call to say where’s my statement and they’d say, “we sent it to (his address)” and I would ask why did you send it there? You know the account is at (my address)! “Oh…uhhh…we’ll fix it now…” Next month, lather rinse repeat. Once in a while the explanation would be, “we thought you moved and were renting out the house” or something. This went on for three years. It didn’t get better until I switched mortgage company and phone plans altogether. The electric bill is sooooorta fixed now but I still check compulsively that they’ve received my payment.

      Mostly mortgage company and utilities seemed shocked that they couldn’t send things to him and expect that he would pass it along to me. Guys, he wasn’t that responsible even when we were still married…

    2. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Ask the lawyer you’re using what they would charge to send a letter to the electric company IF they give you trouble. You can probably resolve it yourself, but they might not charge very much, and if you go through even a tenth of what Lora went through trying to get the account billing corrected, it might be worth it!

    3. Anon for this*

      My mother had the same thing with the gas company. The bill is still in my fathers bane even though they’re divorced and he hasn’t lived in the house in many years. In the end she just left it in his name coz it was simpler than dealing with the gas company.

      It’s so weird – I don’t get why companies do this. Like haven’t they heard of divorce? It’s not a new concept!

  96. Annie Mouse*

    Keeping a close eye on the news at the moment, the rescue is under way in Thailand and there are reports that the first two boys are out and in the field hospital. Really hoping that’s true.

    1. nep*

      May they all get out safely. Bravo to those doing all this work to rescue them. I really wish the media speculation and rush to put out every smattering of ‘news’ would stop. (‘An ambulance was seen leaving the area!’) They look ridiculous. (From someone who’s worked as a reporter.)

    2. London Calling*

      Reports varying as to how many are out, one journalist is tweeting that it depends on who he talks to: I don’t mind admitting that I’m sitting here having a quiet little cry at their courage, that of the people who are rescuing them and the massive international rescue effort that has been made.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I could feel the tears coming when I saw the headlines that two were out, too. From what the article said it looked like they were taking a little less time than originally projected? They are running a tiny bit ahead of schedule?
        [Please let this be so.]

        1. London Calling*

          Last report is that 4 or 6 or out and the rest will be out tomorrow. The divers need to rest and the strain on them and the rest of the team must be immense.

  97. Nervous Accountant*

    I really am so thankful for the community here, for letting me vent or giving advice w/o nastiness or even a “google it”. My health is my biggest source of frustration right now, and my family doesn’t make it any easier, my friends don’t get it, and we’ll im glad I’m able to ask here w/o judgment. (Reddit threads be damned lol).

    1. nep*

      Agree 100 percent. And also very grateful for the community here. It’s usually not about getting answers one could get online or anywhere else. Just the sharing and putting it out there…exposing, such as it is…processing in the way this setting allows–it’s huge.

  98. TMI question for vagina owners*

    Super gross and embarassing problem:

    I have persistent moisture/smell and external itching issues. I’ve been using a regular panty liner every day, but I’m starting to wonder if they are actually causing or exacerbating the problems, either because of some substance in them or the plastic backing. I have seen a doctor a couple of times in the last year and tried several over-the-counter remedies, but both doctor visits found no fungal or bacterial cause, and the over-the-counter stuff has had no impact. I was told the usual advice (don’t use soap, don’t douche, wear cotton underwear) and that was it.

    So I’m wondering about trying a reuseable panty liner. Have you ever tried one? Do they contain the smell/moisture as well as the disposable kind? How hard are they to clean and dry, especially since I don’t have a clothes dryer?

    1. Aynyoyny*

      Very much a “yes” to daily liners causing problems. Swiched to organic cotton and the problems disappeared. They’re meant to be washed by hand and air dried. There can be a little slippage forward and back, but a piece of fashion tape solved that.
      I can’t tell you how well they work for a full flow. I only use them for light days and for the “rest of the month” as protection from an unpredictable schedule.

      1. Melody Pond*

        Seconding this. I use reusable cloth liners as daily protection, myself. There are lots of great reusable cloth liners available on Etsy! It’s better if you air-dry them, anyway.

        I’d also recommend something WITHOUT waterproof backing – just a simple cotton topped liner, with maybe one layer of cotton flannel in the core, and a cotton flannel backing, backing will probably do the trick perfectly. If you want something to use as back-up for light period days, you’d probably want a microfleece backing (more water-resistant), but the more breathable option would be better for daily non-period wear.

        To clean – I usually soak mine for a few hours in a small tub of water with oxygenated bleach (I use the BioKleen brand), then wash them in the machine on gentle, and hang dry them. If you can get to an Ikea, they’ve got a little octopus hanger that’s perfect for hang-drying cloth pads and liners – I’ll try to find the link.

        Also, seconding the suggestions farther downthread to get some probiotics in your system – either through yogurt, or acidophilus milk, or something like that.

    2. strangebuttrue*

      I have had itching problems and my dermatologist actually suggested something. Yogurt. He had another patient with persistent itch and started eating yogurt and the problem went away. I did try that and the itch was reduced but I had to stop as the yogurt triggered a UTI. Just enough of a change in bacteria in the gut.

    3. nep*

      Possibly some hormonal shifts?
      I’m heading toward menopause, and a year or so back I had some unbearable itching. Doctor found no infection; she did say pH was a bit out of balance. She prescribed a cream but I never ended up using it; the itch eventually went away. (The doctor also stressed the importance of thoroughly drying that area after bathing/shower.) The itch lasted a good while; for a time there I felt like I’d never be free of it. I’m guessing for me it was hormonal changes.
      Hope you’ll get some relief.

      1. nep*

        (I did use tea tree oil mixed in castor or coconut oil–I’m not sure how much that did to resolve things, but it did seem to calm things at night. For a while there the itch would be so bad at night it would wake me out of a sound sleep, and this brought some relief.)

    5. The Other Dawn*

      Did the doctor prescribe a cream called Clotrimazole and Betamethasone? I think Lotrisone is the brand name. To be clear, this is not OTC and it’s for external use. My doctor prescribed this when I was having an identical problem and it was like magic. Within a day the itching stopped. I now use it every month for a day or two after my period, since I tend to get itchy. I keep a supply on-hand.

      I also vote for going panty-free at night. Things need to breathe down there! I find I get itchy if I wear underwear to bed for too many nights in a row, which only happens when I’m staying at someone’s house.

      Another thing that can make me itch is if I keep my sweaty workout clothes on too long after I get home. Most nights I change right away, but once in awhile I just get lazy and stay in them. The consequence is that I’m usually itchy the next day.

      1. nep*

        Great point–I got careless about this last thing. I teach group ex classes and there were times I’d stay in my workout clothes for too long after as I did some errands at home. Get out of those clothes straightaway and put on fresh undies.

    6. fposte*

      Another thing to look at are boric acid suppositories for your pH; you can get specifically designed ones on Amazon.

    7. cataloger*

      You might also try using unscented laundry detergent / dryer sheets — that fixed it for me. (also cloth liners are great)

    8. Vulvaanon*

      This was me last summer. I went to several doctors and a women’s health clinic. I religiously followed the following advice, and after a few months everything went back to normal. Sometimes the itching acts up in hot weather, so I buckle down on everything again. So sorry you are dealing with this- it’s awful!!!

      – Don’t use panty liners. If you *have* to then only use organic cotton (there are disposable kinds).
      – Never wash your vulva with soap, only water or a non-soap product like Cetaphil or Cerave (I’ve used both with great success)
      – pat dry after shower, never rub. Or, use a blast of cool air from hair dryer (this works well!)
      – if itchy rub a bit of coconut oil on skin. Doc also recommended a glaxal based cream if you will be doing lots of exercise (like a hike) to reduce rubbing or chaffing.
      – only wear cotton underwear (this might be most important tip)
      – never wear thongs or gstrings
      – if you use lube, make sure it’s got ingredients in it that don’t mess with your Ph levels. I like “sliquid” or coconut oil (don’t use coconut oil with condoms as it makes them less effective).
      – go commando as much as possible – I’m commando at home always, with loose pants or shorts. It takes a while to get use to this, but makes a BIG difference.
      – Doc said this is common prob for office workers since sitting all day prevents area from breathing, so try to wear cotton or loose pants/skirts and try to stand up and walk around as much as possible.
      – make sure you are properly hydrated and drink lots of fluids
      – use a diva cup or organic cotton tampons during menstrual cycle avoid plastic pads/liners at all costs!!
      – I find I get itchier before my period due to hormones shifting and my ph changing, boric acid suppositories work well to manage this for the few days before period. Will try to find link for this.
      – sleep commando or with loose pj bottoms.
      – if you are sexually active, rinse afterwards with water and/or cetaphil and apply a bit of coconut oil to vulva. The fluids from both parties can irritate skin.
      – don’t have long baths and if you swim immediately change into dry bottoms. Being damp makes this situation much worse.

      I hope all of that is helpful. It seems daunting, but honestly it all made such a giant difference, last year I thought it would never end, but it is so much more manageable now!!

    9. Anona*

      I wear loose men’s boxers at night (no undies) and I think that helps keep everything aired out. Highly recommend!

    10. I can help!*

      I went through the whole rigamarole with this, it was pretty frustrating. It turned out to be eczema of the genital region and I had to go to a special dermatologist to be diagnosed. Regular gynecologists/primary care weren’t helpful and in many cases made it worse, suggesting all sorts of unhelpful and insulting solutions, like saying it was psychosomatic or my husband was a selfish sexual partner who didn’t know what he was doing (!!)

      What the doctor ended up recommending:
      -external eczema ointment, for days it was actively itchy or irritating
      -external vaseline or natural oil (coconut oil, olive oil) applied a few times a day, to keep the skin from drying out
      -organic cotton feminine products only, only use tampons when they’re necessary (swimming, sports) and not changing them too often
      -probiotic yogurt (like Bio K) applied internally as a douche in lieu of yeast infection/bacterial vaginosis medication (yes I thought my doctor was nuts but yes, it helped.)
      -Cotton underwear, be careful with clothes that rub the area like leggings, skinny jeans
      -pH balanced lube, unscented laundry detergent, and as many hypoallergenic bath products as possible because even shampoo runs down your body as you wash

      Again, I definitely recommend going to a proper specialized dermatologist, because they’ll be able to help you way better than a gynecologist will. Good luck!

      1. fposte*

        Vulvar dermatology specialties are becoming more common, so you could even look for that specific term.

      2. Arjay*

        Just so you know you aren’t alone, I had a UTI once and the doctor used that “selfish lover” diagnosis on my husband too!

        1. I can help!*

          Thanks!

          I think it took 4 years total to get it resolved, it’s so frustrating when you’re describing symptoms to people and they don’t want to really listen.

    11. Anon for this coz waaay tmi*

      Definitely dont use plastic backed liners every day! There’s a breathable disposable brand you can get. Yiu coukd also try a good scrub with a new wet facecloth (no soap) morning abd night and use no liner at all. Breathable cotton underwear – make sure 0% lycra!

      Also get some loose cotton underwear for night time. I wear granny panties a size or two up in hot weather.

  99. Karyn*

    Anyone have any suggestions for a 2-year-old male (neutered) cat who has play aggression? My boyfriend’s cat, Gavvy, is a tad, how should I say it, NUTS, and he has a tendency to attack hands, feet, and the other cat in the house who is an 11-year-old female. It’s not vicious with hissing, it’s more like he’s trying to communicate or play and doesn’t know how to do it right. My boyfriend found him wandering around outside when he was about 5 weeks old, so he may have been separated from his mom too early and never learned correct play technique. Also, Jeff made the mistake of playing with the cats with his hands when they were kittens.

    We already took him to the vet, and the vet ruled out any physical issues, but put him on a low dose of Prozac to see if we can even him out. We also bought a birdfeeder and put it outside his favorite window, and that worked for a while, but he seems to have gotten bored with it lately. ANY other advice would be appreciated – I personally have thirteen cats (well, technically, I have six – my parents have the others) but this is an issue I haven’t dealt with before.

    1. OyVey*

      You need a young dog or a similar age cat. Our rambunctious kitten settled down fast when he realized he could play with our dog. Similarly, the dog, who’d spent the first year of his time with us annoying our elderly cat, stopped bugging elderly ginger cat as soon as he realized he could play pounce with slinky black kitten.

      1. Karyn*

        See, that’s a complication itself, because if we move in together, I’ll be bringing my six cats with me. Thankfully they are mostly younger than Eponine (his old lady cat) – I often say that Grady, who’s only 7, will just sit on Gavroche until he behaves. XD

    2. fposte*

      Yeah, boyfriend complicated this one. But wear him out with allowable playing if you can–a wand toy is a great thing for this if he likes them. And every time he attacks a human, shriek “Ow!” and withdraw. Then give him something he *can* attack to play with. The goal is “not that but this.”

      1. fposte*

        Um. The “him” in the second sentence is the cat, not the boyfriend. Unless you want to apply it to both.

        1. Karyn*

          Yeah, I’ve sort of started doing this (and training boyfriend to do it too, although it doesn’t require treats and a wand toy, lol) – I immediately stop playtime if he starts biting, and I carry miscellaneous cat toys when I walk around the house so that if he starts chasing my feet, I can distract him by throwing a toy the other direction. He really is a sweet kitty when he’s not being a little shit!

          1. fposte*

            The yelpy response is pretty helpful, too, since that’s how they’d be socialized as kittens–a distressed sound would tell them when they’d gone too far.

            1. Karyn*

              Ooooh, that’s a good point! I’ll start doing that. Hopefully it doesn’t freak out the downstairs neighbors. ;)

    3. StellaBella*

      Well, after last night – my cat had a nasty episode with outdoor cat on other side of glass door – she attacked me and launched herself at the door 3x. I bought some CDB (cannabis) oil and feliway. and covered the windows. She does not need this stress. Nor do I.

  100. Lcsa99*

    Crazy question in the middle of summer, but can anyone recommend a brand of flannel sheets? Or at least know what we should be looking for to get something soft and warm (do flannel sheets have thread counts)? We prefer soft and warm, even in the middle of summer but we can only ever seem to find silky or crisp linen in the stores. I think we bought blindly off Amazon before, but they didn’t really last. Neither did the Jersey option we bought last time, that weren’t as warm but were the softest we could find at the time.

      1. Lcsa99*

        Do you know where they are available? I looked on Amazon and Google but couldn’t find much.

    3. Yetanotherjennifer*

      Back when we had a house with central air, I liked using a flannel pillowcase. Target carries cute flannel sheets in the fall for a decent price. It doesn’t help you now, but I’ve had good luck with their quality and softness.

      1. FaintlyMacabre*

        Second! The heavier flannel sheets are just dreamy. Try to get ’em on clearance!

    5. Anonerson*

      L.L.Bean has some great sheet selections – seconding that recommendation! Bed Bath & Beyond also had some good flannel sheets when I was last shopping for them. As for the sheets themselves, look for 100% cotton flannel made in Portugal.

    6. Lcsa99*

      Thanks everyone! We just ordered something that will hopefully be a lot nicer than what we have now

  101. BFF Break*

    TL;DR: How do you handle a long-term friendship that suddenly doesn’t work anymore? It’s been 13 years, but I had to suddenly re-evaluate our relationship overnight. Can a friendship realistically go from “see you every week” to “see you twice a year” or does it just end? How do I blindside my best friend by telling her that things can’t be the same?

    THE FULL STORY:
    We met 13 years ago in college. We met at a campus event, hit it off right away, and roomed together the next couple of years after that. We were inseparable for most of that time. We even visited each other’s hometowns. Then things got rocky for various reasons that I won’t get into. One day things came to a head, and we stopped talking for a while.

    Life and school/work opportunities took us to different states, although still close enough for occasional visits when we made peace again. After several years, I got a job transfer to a town 15 minutes away from hers. We started spending a lot of time together (usually once a week). We had some sincere conversations about the past. We were stronger than ever. She supported me through a bad relationship, health issues, a layoff, and family emergencies over the next 5 years. Her kids call me Auntie. We were family. She was the sister I never had. She helped plan my wedding and was my maid of honor. We hung out often as couples. My husband and I babysat her kids, who we called our nieces and nephew.

    A couple weeks ago, a small but significant incident left me feeling more hurt than I thought was reasonable. I talked to my therapist about it. I learned that the disrespect behind what happened was a real and valid problem, even if what happened seemed small. My husband agreed. I suddenly looked differently at our relationship. I was surprised at how many instances of disrespect were there over the years, even during otherwise loving and supporting times. I know she doesn’t mean it, but that doesn’t make it any less unhealthy. We haven’t seen each other since because summer plans are keeping us busy. But I don’t know what to do when she wants to resume our regular meet-ups.

    It’s clear to me that this relationship can’t continue as it used to, but I don’t know what I want it to be. I feel like when we are together, it’s like we’re back in college. But I’m at the age where I want to move on from that. What do I say? How do I say it? Do I need to end the friendship completely? I feel like that would be bitter and unjustly cruel to suddenly not be there anymore. My husband also thinks it would be harsh to completely end such a significant friendship. But I also think it might be weird to still be friends, but only see each other sometimes (even seeing each other half as much would be seeing a lot of each other). I would never advise someone to stay with a romantic partner in these circumstances, but this feels different because she has been like family for so long. I should also note that I have anxiety, and conflict is painfully hard for me. I often over-prepare for difficult conversations, which makes me come across as panicked or harsh.

    I am over-thinking and feeling panicked, and I need some advice, please!

    1. ronda*

      if you tell her about the problem.. maybe she will correct it.
      and if she does it again… say this is an example of what I told you I cant take any more, so I am going to leave now.

      See how it goes and if she can stop doing whatever is making you want to never see her again.

      If she can’t, then might be the time to limit your interactions more or to never see her again.

    2. Banana muffin top*

      Is there a reason you’ve gone straight to ending the friendship instead of talking to her about the issue? Are you panicking here and going to the worst possible conclusion? If she’s a good friend, you should be able to talk about these things.

      As you say you’ve had sincere conversations before, why not start with something like “The other week when you did x I felt y. Since then I’ve been thinking and I feel like you haven’t respected me/my opinions/adapt as appropriate at times (examples?), and that makes me sad. I don’t think this is something you intended to do, but it’s hurt me. What do you think is going on? ” And then listen to her side, see what she has to say, and take it from there? Is that something you can imagine doing?

    3. Anon for this coz waaay tmi*

      I agree with the others that you would probably be better off talking to her first and asking her to change the behaviour you don’t like.

      Since you find conversations like that difficult maybe try writing a letter?

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Interesting that you should mention this. I have a looong friendship with a family member that has had its ups and downs. It’s been decades and the little digs are still there. I am taking steps backward on the friendship. Incremental steps seems to suit because as you say, History. And it’s too hard to throw all that away.

      And it started just as you show here. It was a little thing, this thing did not bother me directly but it did cause me to remember many other little things that I had been ignoring. Suddenly I realize that not much has changed since decades ago.

      I did a lot of self-check stuff. And it boiled down to I don’t want to deal with the digs. Period.
      I’d say make sure you stand up for yourself, but I know saying that involves dealing with a full list of everything you have done wrong since time began. So you know if you push that button it’s over. You are thinking about ending it anyway. I don’t see a lot of hope here, but maybe if you pace things out, such as shorter and less frequent visits that would help you to decide?

      Some relationships do well when there is a crisis or lots of busyness but then they taper after that is over. In my case, I feel the relationship is lopsided for Reasons. Some of those reasons I granted legitimacy to and I should not have. Hey if we could only have 50 years of insight at age 20, right?

      My punchline is if you are not sure then don’t totally let go just yet.

    5. BFF Break*

      Re-reading my post, I could have given more context. In my attempt to avoid incriminating details, I missed some relevant ones. Please believe that my intent is not to abandon someone close over a one-off misunderstanding.

      TL;DR: The problems in the relationship are such that it can’t continue on as normal in a healthy way. What it really comes down to, is that it feels like breaking up with a lover in the sense that sometimes “let’s be friends” works out fine, even though it’s a major change, but sometimes it’s too weird to even be friends anymore after an intense relationship. The breakup (changing the dynamic of our friendship) has to happen, but I don’t know how likely it is that we will manage to “just be friends” afterward.

      THE LONG VERSION:
      The incident itself was small, but touched on something very sensitive and personal, and in violation of a confidence I thought she would respect. The behavior was very specific and pointed, and unambiguously crossed a line. It has happened several times over the course of our friendship (once was already inexcusable, since she exploited a vulnerability I had explicitly explained to her). Each time we have had a lengthy talk about why it was not okay, which never resulted in a true apology. This includes the most recent occurrence. More specifics here would risk my anonymity, so I hope this made more sense.

      What happened made me think long and hard about other things in our relationship that bothered me. I had been burying them under a deep layer of “but we’ve been best friends for so long”, instead of letting myself admit that they were real issues. I wrote down my feelings to try to make sense of what to do, and I realized that there are A LOT of small but significant issues. Some of them I would never put up with from other people. Most of them were things that contributed to our rift years ago, that we’ve already talked over at length over the years. When I asked him his thoughts on all this, my husband confessed that he’d noticed many of the things I’d written down. He could name many of the things that bothered me without seeing what I’d written. It was another eye-opener for me.

      I want to stress again that I’m not taking this lightly. The issues here effect enough aspects of our relationship that I don’t believe them fixable through sitting down and talking, and they are so broad that I don’t know what another chance would even look like. This friendship has been so important and precious to me, but as I’ve experienced a period of major growth in my life, it hasn’t grown with me. The thing that’s hard here is that, although it’s not straight up toxic, it’s no longer nourishing. She’s a good person. There’s no one clear dastardly deed at play here, but a large collection of smaller issues that, when I look at the larger picture, make it clear to me that this isn’t something I can continue in a healthy way.

      I know that it’s not healthy for me to be incredibly close like we’ve consistently been for the past 5 years. Which means that I need to pull back. But since we have been so present in each other’s lives, have traditionally spent time together weekly on average, and due to the nature of the vaguely described issues at hand, I don’t think that just seeing each other less often would be a true solution. The nature of our relationship and our level of closeness has to change. I can’t have her be as integral a part of my life as she has been. I’m at peace with this after a lot of refection and questioning, even though it also causes me sadness. I honestly don’t know if a friendship like this would realistically survive a major shift like the one my well-being requires.

      So what it really comes down to, is that it feels like breaking up with a lover in the sense that sometimes “let’s be friends” works out fine, even though it’s a major change, but sometimes it’s too weird to even be friends anymore after an intense relationship. The breakup (changing the dynamic of our relationship) has to happen, but I don’t know if we’ll be able to “just be friends” afterward. Just like a breakup, I’m afraid to risk losing everything all together, but also afraid of leading her on if maintaining a friendship doesn’t work.

      I really hope this added some clarity. It’s hard to be specific without fearing that I might be identified, since the details are, well, VERY specific in many ways.

      1. Sparrow*

        I think you have two options here.
        1) Treat it just like a break up, and make a clean break. Sit down with Friend, and tell her a modified version of what you wrote here. “Hey, when you did X the other day, it hurt me for Y and Z reasons and made me reflect on other patterns in our friendship. This friendship has been so important and precious to me, but as I’ve experienced a period of major growth in my life, it hasn’t grown with me, and it’s no longer nourishing. You’re a good person, and this recent event helped me notice a large collection of smaller issues that, when I look at the larger picture, make it clear to me that this isn’t something I can continue in a healthy way.” (I copied and pasted that bit from your post, and changed a few words, because I think you expressed this very well). Then it would be a kindness to her if you decided ahead of time what you want. No contact for a specific period of time? For an indefinite period of time? A phone call every month? She’ll likely be hurt and confused, so having something specific in mind may help you both. Captain Awkward might also have tips for this kind of situation.
        2) A second option would be to change the nature of your friendship by setting boundaries and communicating limits, which could naturally decrease your closeness to a level that works for you. It would likely draw out the conflict, which would be uncomfortable and more work for you, but given your shared history, you may decide it’s worth trying. I suggest this because you say it’s many small issues that have gone on for a long time. Talking things out rarely changes these kind of patterns, because the person may agree then slip right back into the dysfunctional pattern. Again, Captain Awkward has a million posts on this kind of thing, but the essence is, Friend does small thing, you say “Please don’t [criticize my appearance, stop by without asking first, share my business with other people, etc.” You can use an AskAManager “Can you do that?” or a simple subject change. If Friend gets mad, does it again, or tries to drag you into a conversation about it, leave, end the phone call, stop texting, whatever. If you do this, Friend may get pretty upset, and the friendship might end or lessen on its own, or maybe Friend will get the message and you’ll be able to break the pattern.
        Whatever you do, I’m glad you’re sticking up for your needs and best of luck to you!

  102. Jo*

    Alison, do you get a lot of people telling you that this page often has a lot of trouble loading? I feel like at least half the time when I try to load a page on here, it stops responding and I get prompted to kill the page. I really have to reload this site a TON and often cannot scroll at all – it freezes and stops responding. It’s gotten really much worse in more recent years (the last 2-3 I’d say), and it’s now getting to the point where it’s happening almost every time I come on here.

    I don’t know if I’m the only one with this issue, but I figured you’d want to be aware just in case others have also pointed it out!

    1. A Username For This Site*

      I have this issue in Chrome for Android. It freezes halfway through loading and won’t scroll. I basically can’t read this site on my phone.

    2. ValaMalDoran*

      Are you on desktop or mobile? I had that same problem continually on my phone, especially with long threads. I haven’t had an issue since I started using an ad blocking browser for AAM.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Someone here recommended uBlock Origin. I tried it and I am thrilled. The pages load quickly now. If the thread is very long such as 1800 or so posts then it might be a couple extra seconds but no where near what it was.
        I pointed it out to the guy who repairs my computers. He tested it for a few weeks on his own machine. He is now telling his customers.

    3. KR*

      So if I’m on mobile I have to wait for the video ad to load and then pause it otherwise it will make the page not respond and crash when scrolling. That might work for you.

    4. OyVey*

      My laptop (mac) has been freezing for a month, month and a half. It’s only this site and Pathos. Have tried in Chrome and Safari both, same issue. Seems to be specific ads that show up in both places. Shein (wholesale clothing) seems to be one of the worst offenders for ads that just won’t load or scroll.

  103. Belle di Vedremo*

    Calling Princess Consuela Banana Hammock!
    Did you know that your fame is spreading? Tiny Kittens dot com has a new mama cat named Princess Consuela, I’m sure that’s in your honor. =^.^=

  104. Jo*

    I’m on desktop, weirdly! On my phone the problem I run into the most is getting hijacked and redirected to another ad site. I’m on Chrome for desktop. Maybe I should try using IE or Edge for this one site.

    1. Not an Ad-Mirer*

      Try an AdBlocker. The site is riddled with ads that cause a lot of problems. It’s basically unusable without an AdBlocker. I installed one just for this site, as I don’t have these issues anywhere else.

    2. Gatomon*

      I’d install an ad blocker for your desktop browser. On mobile I’ve resorted to using a browser that automatically blocks ads due to hijacking on multiple sites (CM Browser on Android).

  105. BRR*

    Late to the game with this but does anybody have any reccoemndationa for offline mobile games? I need a new option for when I’m on the subway.

    1. Not All Who Wander*

      Eternium is a blast if you like the old RPGs like Sacred, Dungeon Siege, etc. You do have to open the game online occasionally but you can play without connection for 90% of things. (Some crafting progress and a handful of other minor stuff you can’t start/finish offline). Bonus…it’s totally free and they don’t try to sell you stuff in game. The only purchases I made and would recommend are the ones for getting an epic scaling weapon on every toon and the one for getting gems every day you log in for the first month.

  106. OlympiasEpiriot*

    Late on the Sunday, but, I saw Sorry To Bother You this weekend and I think it is the best movie of the year. It has bumped Death of Stalin in my head from the top spot. (And this has been a really good year for movies.)

  107. Bacon Pancakes*

    I am pretty late to expect an answer, but how do I go about breaking up with my SUPER NICE Chiropractor who is not (and never has been) in my network? I am allowed up to 13 chiro visits a year, and go monthly for chronic shoulder pain. It currently runs me around $60/visit because some of the treatment is covered but not all.
    Is there a way to ask him to get “in network”? Is that a thing?

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Sure, ask him. Plan on hearing the word NO, but ask anyway. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
      There is a trend for chiros not to take insurance at all. One chiro I went to the visits were $65 if I used insurance and $32 if I did not use insurance. You may find that you get offered a lower out of pocket price, if he realizes the insurance is a problem. My current chiro does not take insurance, but the visits are $35.
      If none of this pans out, you can just express disappointment, tell him you really liked his work but you must move to another place that accepts your insurance. They have heard this a 1000 times and they are not shocked to hear it.

  108. Elan Morin Tedronai*

    Anyone here can relate to this?
    I have inborn absolute pitch, but lately I think it’s been deserting me.
    Where once I could hear individual notes within chords I can now barely make out the root chord (and occasionally the major or dominant 7ths). Where once I could instantly tell what key a song was in I now need to listen for a short time before I figure it out. I’m also beginning to muddle G and G#.
    It’s almost like losing one of my physical senses and it’s terrifying.

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