what glorious all-staff emails/memos/rants have you received at work?

by Alison Green on August 9, 2018

Over the years, this site has been the beneficiary of some amazing all-staff emails and memos …  like this one with the glorious sentence “I will confront you by Wednesday of this week,” sent by the boss after a holiday party went awry, and in which — in the process of chastising others for misbehavior — he acknowledges that he himself physically attacked someone at the party (#2 at the link) … or this 12-paragraph rant about office supplies … or last week’s angry missive titled “ISSUES THAT ARE BOTHERING ME.”

A brilliant commenter suggested soliciting more memos for us to enjoy. So: If you have an email or memo that you’ve been holding on to because you cherish its weirdness, I beg you to share it here. (If you no longer have a copy and it lives on only in your memory, summaries will also be accepted.)

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  1. Ask a Manager* Post author

    Also: If you share something here that you do not want me to potentially include in a later “best of” round-up, please note that with your comment. (Such a round-up may or may not happen, but I wanted to include that caveat in case it does.)

    1. samiratou*

      Fetches popcorn. Sits back.

      Checks email to see if I can find the 3am drunk email a sales rep sent to the company many years ago.

      1. I'm A Little Teapot*

        I don’t have the epic smackdown from 2012, never did. Unfortunately. I just read it off a coworker’s screen.

    9. Banana stand*

      Can we stop posting comments like these? They just make the thread longer and add no value

    10. Be Positive*

      Parking at my workplace is horrible if you arrive after 830AM. All employees get a display badge to park in the lot. Lot parking is first come, first served regardless of what position When the lot is full you park on the street. Yes sometimes inconsiderate drivers don’t park close enough and a car takes up 2 spots. VP of Finance must have been in a bad mood mass emailed chastising us the 2 cars parking poorly enough that it took 5 spots. To the entire company, in Canada, USA and Asia.

      1. Girl friday*

        That made me laugh so hard. And like bless you, I only say that when I really mean it. I’m afraid your comment is going to get lost though.

  3. ManyHats*

    From our HR Person a couple years ago:

    Hey Guys,

    If you received a handbook this morning, you need to sign those two pages and get them back to me. I’ve only gotten two back so far.

    Remember, I know who you are. You know what I want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over a year-long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people who don’t turn in their paperwork. If you turn it in now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you — I mean, uh, I will badger and annoy you until you bring them to me.

      2. ManyHats*

        This was from a couple years ago when she was a relative newbie to the field. She’s still here and still sending out snarky/clever emails

      1. Airy*

        In the next instalment of the series, Liam Neeson struggles with feeling unappreciated by his family. Taken 4 Granted.

    9. Bea*

      This is how I get all my paperwork signed and returned. But it’s verbal because I’m not a fan of paper trails of threats. Playing around is great and I’m all in but that’s how someone loses a lawsuit one day.

      1. Mimmy*

        That’s a really good point. I actually love that HR person’s memo, but I can see how it can be misconstrued.

        That said, this gives me a good idea next time my fellow staff don’t generate the online forms I need to do my piece of the job….. *evil snicker*

      2. Batty Twerp*

        Know your audience may help here.
        I’m tempted to steal this script for my next report returns…

    11. HRperson*

      As a seasoned HR person this is perfect. Trust me we don’t want to have to constantly track people down for forms but it is a part of the job. We are moving to having stuff more electronic but sometimes its just not possible to avoid paper completely.

      1. Anon Again*

        Some years ago at a previous job, HR said there was a form at the end of a document to acknowledge receipt of the document, and please return it ASAP.

        Apparently several wiseacres returned it completely blank, because the email didn’t actually say to sign it.

        1. Essess*

          That’s the computer programmer brain!
          A wife called her computer-programmer husband at work one day and asked him to pick up a loaf of bread at the store on his way home. And if they have eggs, grab a dozen. He came home with 12 loaves of bread. When she asked why, he said “they had eggs”.

      2. Vertigo*

        You can make the forms electronic but you will always have people who have to be tracked down to sign them. Even if they need to sign it before they get paid. Trust me.

      1. Not A Morning Person*

        In case you don’t know, it’s from Taken, so you know about his distinct set of “wet work” skills. And in this context, it’s a memorable way to remind people to turn in their paperwork!

    14. RJ the Newbie*

      I have almost this exact email to follow up on missing timesheets! Believe me, I feel your HR person’s pain.

    15. Kelsi*

      This sounds like my HR person’s emails. She is also awesome.

      (I’m also a burlesque dancer, which is not a secret from my coworkers. A few years ago my troupe was on the cover of the local “what’s happening in the city” paper, nude but with everything tastefully covered. HR person grabbed me an extra copy when she was out for lunch because she knew I’d want it, but comes over to my cubicle with a deadly serious face, holds it up, and goes “Kelsi, we need to talk about the dress code.” Lollll.)

  4. annejumps*

    God, back in the early 2000s I worked at a very toxic place, and in our department, by and large we were hired depending on how timid and people-pleasing we were, so we could be easily cowed. Those who weren’t like that but were somehow hired anyway ended up leaving, sometimes in spectacular fashion. A coworker ended up quitting, but before doing so, she sent out a mass email explaining in many paragraphs what was wrong with the president of the company, a bullying control freak more interested in micromanaging than in reason. I printed it out just in time, because shortly afterward IT hastily shut down the exchange server to delete it from everyone’s inboxes. I wish I remember what all it said!

    1. Amber T*

      I WISH I did this when I quit my toxic job… I quit in the most professional manner I could, gave my four weeks notice, and when toxic management all of a sudden fawned over me saying how much they would miss me… oh how it was tempting. But it was my first job out of college and I didn’t want anything to come back and bite me in the ass.

      1. mrs__peel*

        I wrote out a letter like that one time when I resigned from a job, but didn’t actually send it. Just getting it all out on paper was very cathartic! (Although I did share it privately with a few friends at work, who heartily agreed with my sentiments).

        My actual resignation letter was very short and professional.

        1. Thlayli*

          I worked in a company that used to do all-staff emails when anyone left (we used to get emails once a week from people in other countries we’d never met saying goodbye and how much they’d miss everyone and they were all so sickeningly sweet and cloying). When I left I wrote a really sarcastic version with everything awful about the department but I chickened out and only sent it to two buddies. Sometimes I wish I had actually sent it to the all-staff list, but I think I might have used that reference for the next job so probably a good thing I didnt.

          1. Ann Onimous*

            saying goodbye and how much they’d miss everyone and they were all so sickeningly sweet and cloying

            Oh GAWD yes! People did that at my first job, and it always looked so weird to me. So I just… didn’t do it, really. 5 minutes before leaving on my last day, I just contacted the two people outside my immediate team to let them know. They were extremely confused about the timing.

            Then a few months later I actually met two other colleagues, from them same office, who all but pounced on me saying that they had no idea I had left. That was embarrassing… and I wrote good-bye e-mails ever since. Even if only to point out that there were snacks to be had. :P

      2. Totally Minnie*

        I know someone who sent a letter like that when they resigned. They regret it now, because they had trouble finding a new job and the old job is now not a total trainwreck anymore, but they can’t go back because they’re on the Do Not Rehire list.

        1. Amber T*

          Yeah, I’m happy that I didn’t for that very reason. I do admit I did (aaaand sometimes still do) occasionally fantasize running into someone from management and having them beg me to come back, and me just laughing in their faces (this was especially true after I was promoted). Again, *probably* not something I’d actually do, but it’s nice to think about.

    2. Manders*

      Oh wow, she was living out the toxic job dream.

      At my husband’s old job (one of those video game companies that looks like a dream job from the outside, but is kind of a mess from the inside), one of the underpaid testers managed to send out an all-staff email about low pay and poor treatment before quitting. It included a link to his kickstarter so he could follow his dreams of starting a band. My husband tried to save it for posterity but unfortunately IT got to it before he could.

    3. DecorativeCacti*

      We had someone similar do that at my job but with actual, physical copies.

      She got there early before anyone else did, put copies all over the building, then stood at the back door handing them out as people arrived at work!

      3. foolofgrace*

        I did something similar but I *was* rather young… It was ToxicJob and I had ToxicSupervisor who was shirking her duties but nobody above seemed to care. So I wrote a memo to all the attorneys and higher-ups detailing what was really happening in the dept. and came in early and left it on their chairs. I expected to get escorted out of the building in shame with a box of my belongings, but … I ended up with the supervisor’s job! Which I did impeccably, I might add.

    4. Jam Today*

      A company I worked at years ago had an application that our operations staff would use to talk to clients. The work itself could be very frustrating, an artifact of having to deal with the American medical insurance industry and the endless and pointless bureaucracy therein. At one point, one of our staff finally hit their limit on these three-way conversations and wrote in the communication widget for everyone to see:

      THAT’S IT I’M OUT OF THIS CLOWN FACTORY

      and posted their resume in the text box.

    5. NotAnotherManager!*

      Ours was from someone who had been on various sorts of leave for 9 months out of the prior year and was upset that their upcoming leave was going to be unpaid. Because they’d used their 4 weeks of vacation, two weeks of sick/personal, and short-term disability but didn’t qualify for long-term. The wrote a screed about their manager, who didn’t consider them for promotion into a management role based on the 3 months of self-described “really god work” that had been smattered throughout the year and that the company was unwilling to make a special exception on unpaid leave for such an “exceptinal” worker such as himself. It was grossly unfair that his coworker (who’d had to pick up his job and supervise the temp the entire year and was just kind of a fabulous person in general) had been promoted and it was demonstrating some real “opposite sexism”, along with the pretty gross insinuation that she exchanged some sort of sexual favor for the promotion.

      It was also sent on a Saturday, so some poor on-call IS person got dragged into to recall it and immediately terminate his user accounts.

        1. Girl friday*

          Well, because it’s the little god work. Said affectionately, because it reminds me of the Screwtape Letters which I love.

    6. annejumps*

      (I’d like to add that some time later, I ended up being fired for insubordination. I’d been emailing back and forth with a coworker about our problems with the way things were run, and one day I was called in to HR to find a stack of our emails had been printed out by said president, and I was being fired to make an example of me while the rest of the department were to continue to live in fear. I only wish I’d quit first, but at the time, people in general were still encouraged to stay in their jobs as long as possible, and my parents didn’t want me to quit; it was my first job out of college.)

      1. Gatomon*

        I’m so sorry, that must have been an awful experience. I used to work at a place with toxic culture and we did the same thing via emails, though I don’t recall anyone being fired for it. By the time I was ready to go I knew it was a bad habit, but I still had to watch myself a bit when transitioning to my next office. It’s easy to slide down that slope when you have a work buddy.

      3. Emelle*

        My emails were going up the chain of command to my boss because I was having issues with a co-worker that thought she was my supervisor. I stupidly wrote the emails because I was so angry that I was in tears and couldn’t talk to my boss. IT owed my coworker a huge favor (she was his witness that some shady shit didn’t go down when it had) IT dude printed the email from me to my boss and gave it to her. She pulled me into a “Meeting” where she went through point by point gaslighting me about why I was wrong.
        She ended the “meeting” by saying, “I guess we know now that IT is reading all of our mail.”

        1. Girl friday*

          That sounds crazy! You mean they printed out your email and gave it to your coworker? I really don’t think I T has time to read all of the emails, so it was probably your boss? I just can’t imagine anybody doing that except the person that it was sent to? Doesn’t really sound like your boss was that upset. Probably just trying to give you a heads up. I always just sing the Sneetches song when that happens, because you’ve entered into office politics La La Land.

      4. Girl friday*

        Mom hugs, because that’s sweet. I’m assuming you don’t have 2 dads. It would still be sweet, I just can’t give those hugs.

    7. Bob Loblaw*

      Awww, the old rage-quit manifesto. We had a rash of those at OldJob, also in the early 2000s. Maybe that was the trend back then. Or maybe that’s just a thing in customer support centers. Anyway, haven’t seen one of those in awhile.

  5. Anon for This*

    After multiple complaints from staff about hours-long 90 decibel b*tch sessions in our breakroom, our boss sent out an email asking staff to be respectful to their coworkers by being cognizant of the volume of their personal conversations. One of the main offenders sent a very upset reply-all accusing our boss of conducting a “witch-hunt” against people who talk loudly. She also informed the office that she has a “severe mental illness” that means she can’t prevent having loud, angry outbursts and her requests for accommodations* have been denied.

    Her conclusion: “emails outlining how horrible people who ‘work differently’ by being loud and talkative are, and indicating that these ‘loud’ individuals get less done is demoralizing and harassing.”

    *Her requested accommodation was to telework full time. We’re archivists who work with paper records; there is literally be no way to do her job from home.

    1. A.N. O'Nyme*

      Jerk reaction: I was not aware “being an entitled douche” was classified as a mental illness.

        1. Agatha_31*

          There’d be an unprecedented rush of people applying on behalf of other co-workers, I bet!

      1. Anon for This*

        She actually had job offers to transfer to another office, but they wouldn’t let her leave…… There was much screaming.

    3. The Cosmic Avenger*

      HOW DARE you not ship boxes of documents back and forth every day to and from her house just to meet her completely undocumented need, you monster!!1!! That falls under a “reasonable accommodation”!

      1. Thlayli*

        Woah! Did you just issue a blanket statement that no one should ever mention a very popular cartoon strip because of your personal politics and opinion of the author? It’s not even a political cartoon! Entitled much?

        1. SarahTheEntwife*

          I appreciate knowing when elements of popular culture turn out to have been created by horrible people so I can avoid giving them any more money or press.

            1. Whit in Ohio*

              Nope. I don’t do that. I don’t think anyone should do that and I will make it hard for anyone to do that by bringing up the artist whenever someone mentions the art.

      3. Wintermute*

        I don’t think that’s a very accurate portrayal of his statements. I read one of his articles more as an explanation, not an endorsement of the current state of affairs, and a rather shrewd explanation at that. He wasn’t really interjecting his personal opinions as much as trying to explain how things got to the point they are.

    5. Indoor Cat*

      See, usually the person being chastised by a mass email doesn’t even recognize themselves in it. But of course, the one time they do…

    6. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I think I worked at the same place! (No kidding, I spent many years working in archives).

      1. Polaris*

        I miss doing archive work – I worked part-time & volunteered for a while because I loved it, but I was never able to parlay it into a full career. Then again, I never had to deal with a coworker like this…

        (Love the username, btw!)

        1. In the provinces*

          Speaking from (sometimes painful) personal experience, I can say that archivists are generally people who envy librarians for their high salaries, great social prestige and scintillating personalities.

          1. mrs__peel*

            I used to volunteer in an archive in my teens, and my supervisor there was making less money than my disabled mother who was living solely on Workers’ Comp. at the time.

          2. Clodagh*

            I work in an archive housed in a library and the archivists and librarians are all the same pay grade, even though the librarians have a supervisory element to their role and the archivists don’t.

    7. Girl friday*

      How endearing, to anticipate 90 decibel uncontrolled b**** sessions delivered randomly via telephone or Skype. I’m laughing because I considered being an archivist, and wasn’t picturing that as the ambiance. That’s on par with a woman that expected people to go outside for her.

  6. MuseumChick*

    Unfortunately, I didn’t save the one all-staff email that sticks out in my mind.

    It was a sales job, the owner of our franchise was a Not Great person. Examples: One day we were talking and I mentioned that if I ever won the lottery I would travel to a long list of historic sites. His response “So your boyfriend is into history?”. I also heard a rumor after I left that he had gotten in trouble for not paying the sales staff appropriate commission.

    Anyway, we were having a sales contest and my teams was doing extremely well. Our team lead was called into the boss’s office where instead of telling her what a good job she/our team was doing he chewed her out for something small. I was out seeing a client when this happened. After finishing my meeting I checked my work email to see that my team lead had sent a all-staff email (she maintains it was an accident and it was intended to go just to our boss) basically calling him out of being an ass.

    1. Leela*

      ugh….I do a lot of stuff that people consider “guy stuff” and it’s constantly resulting in:

      people coming over to my place (before I lived with my husband and it was just my stuff) and seeing my guitar: oh your boyfriend plays guitar?

      seeing my movie collection: wow it’s cool that you let your boyfriend keep so many action movies here!

      seeing my multiple game console set up: your boyfriend’s a huge gamer, huh?

      Rock that history interest!

      1. CupcakeCounter*

        also the following household items are also mine:
        4 burner grill
        hockey memorabilia, jerseys, and dvds of all hockey related movies
        9mm Ruger (in a biometric safe)
        filet, butcher, and carving knives
        disaster, action, comic book, and fantasy movies
        workout equipment

        anytime comments are made, Hubs snorts and points at me “that’s her stuff”

        2. dreamingofthebeach*

          My husband tells everyone he married me because I came with my own power tools and an arsenal :)

      2. Mockingjay*

        My daughter and I have the same model and year car. Hers is white; mine is black. Naturally we named them ‘Thor’ and ‘Loki.’

        I, too, am the comic book movie junkie of the house.

        2. Jadelyn*

          That is beautiful and if my partner and I were the type to ever have similar-enough cars I’d totally borrow this idea.

        4. Teapot Tester*

          We’re all superhero junkies in our house. We’ve been know to have discussions at dinner that break superheroes into categories – mutants, aliens, no real powers just deep pockets, external forces creating powers, etc.

          It’s become tradition to see the April/May release Marvel movie on Mother’s Day – we’ve done it the last 4 or 5 years. We made an exception for Infinity War and saw it the week before because we were all dying to see it (I thought my teenager was going to have a conniption if he didn’t get to see it ASAP).

        5. PersonalJeebus*

          Right now we’re going with a detective theme for our pets’ names (plus the car is Poirot) but in 10-15 years, I want to start collecting my very own set of Avengers.

          Bruce, sit!

      5. General Ginger*

        The thing that drives me absolutely up the wall now that I’ve come out as a trans man, is the cis guys going, oh, that’s why you were a gamer all along! Like somehow me being male negates the existence of female gamers.

        2. Anonny*

          Most of the hardcore gamers I know are trans women. Wonder what these people would make of that.

        3. Rebecca Cribb*

          Female gamers actually outnumbered male gamers in 2016. Right now it’s about 45% to 55% in favor of men but that fluctuates so much that it can’t be considered a “guy thing.” I am a 47 year old woman. I am a successful HRD in a very stressful field. I hike; I got my degree while a single mom; I raised my daughter; I’m a proud grandmother; I take Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu…and I have SEVEN game systems and a healthy love of adventurous and bloody games. I’m an avid gamer and I dare anyone to pigeonhole me. No longer are we the cliched over-30’s stagnating in our mother’s basements.

          1. Andraste's Knicker Weasels*

            They have a really convenient rebuttal to that fact: Those games girls/women play aren’t REAL GAMES, they’re stupid dumb girly games filled with cooties, so they don’t count. In your FACE!

            :: Eye roll ::

          2. mrs__peel*

            My late grandma (a math major and computer programmer) was very into PC games back in the ’70s and ’80s.

          3. Wintermute*

            I just got back from GenCon, the biggest tabletop, roleplaying and wargaming convention in the world– I can conclusively say that the gender representation was basically that of the greater population. Were there areas (like the really old-school naval wargames) that were mostly men? Yeah, that’s fair, but overall, it was pretty much 55/45 as you’d expect from any representative sample of the US population.

      6. NoLongerSleepDeprived*

        My friend and I were getting lunch one day. They asked us for one of our names so we could pick the order up when called. My friend says with perfectly straight face, “Green Arrow.” Ten minutes later a guy comes over the PA system and say “Order for Oliver Queen.” The look on one of the girl’s face working behind the counter when two laughing women came to pick up an order for “Oliver Queen” was priceless.

        1. Chinookwind*

          I am a DC TV fan to the point the DH, who rarely watches tv, had our heart rate monitors at the gym listed as “Green Arrow” and “Felicity.” I consider it his most public display oh his love for me (that and his desire to learn the salmon ladder).

          1. Mustard*

            He should change Felicity to Black Canary. That’s the real love!
            I fully support you reaping the benefits of DH learning salmon ladder, including just getting to watch ;)

      7. shep*

        Right there with you. My boyfriend was decidedly NOT a gamer before we met. Now the staff know us at our regular game stores, but when we first started going, they’d default to asking HIM what he was looking for. Um, HE’s not looking for anything but I would like to preorder Wolfenstein kthx, but now I’m wondering if I should do it on Amazon. Smh.

        1. many bells down*

          Back a dozen or so years ago, Mr. Bells worked on a “Desperate Housewives” game. As per his tradition, when the game released we went to Best Buy to buy a physical copy. The salesguy kept turning to me to ask if it was a real game, what system it was for, etc. We flipped the script on that poor kid!

          1. PersonalJeebus*

            Oh my god, I get so tired of the small talk that comes out of Best Buy clerk dudes’ mouths. Bro, we couldn’t care less about your opinion of my wife’s taste in Xbox games.

      8. Jules the 3rd*

        Yeah, I am definitely the comic geek in our house. Mr. Jules gets the MMPGs or whatever the current ‘multiplayer online game’ acronym is.

      10. Mrs. Smith*

        Haha – a replacement window salesperson came to the door (is that still a thing?) and gave me his spiel, and wound it up by trying to make an appointment FOR WHEN MY HUSBAND WOULD BE HOME. My twelve-year-old son laughed so loud when he heard that part the salesman could hear him from the back of the house.

        We did not buy any windows from this person, and my husband also had a hearty laugh when he heard this preposterous bit of 1960s garbage when he got home.

      11. mcr-red*

        Yeah I’m the comic book fan at home – my husband will ask, “Now who is this person?” when the new movies come out. My mom is also a comic book fan, my dad has no interest.

        Your story reminded me of something that happened to my youngest – she has always played with the boys at recess, her best friend is a boy, etc. In kindergarten, when just meeting her friend, he was playing Star Wars with some other boys, who told her, “You can’t play with us, Star Wars is for boys!” (This was before Rey) I told her, “You tell them your sister is named after a Star Wars character who could kick all of their butts!” She did. They played Star Wars.

    2. MuseumChick*

      Oh and just to underscore how well my teams was doing, there were 4 of use plus the team lead. One of my team members ended the month with a 100% sales rate. No joke. And the rest of us were hitting well above what the acceptable number was for the company. (Like, if they wanted us to have a sales rate of 50% we are all selling at 70% or above).

    3. Danielle*

      Went to Normandy for my birthday a few years ago, and the other couples that were part of our tour group assumed we were there for my Boyfriend. He explained I planned it all for my birthday and that is was a present to myself, cause I love WW2 so much

  7. Cousin Itt*

    Ohhhh, I wish I could share the truly ridiculous OOO messages our MD leaves everytime he goes on a family holiday (basically just complaints about having to spends weeks abroad with his wife and kids in exotic locales, cry me a river). I’ll have to save them for after I leave.

    1. Browser*

      A vacation for the kids maybe, but as a parent that sounds exhausting.

      People get this idea in their heads that vacation means doing nothing and having no responsibilities, but life still happens and so you have to do stuff on your time off. It doesn’t make it NOT time off if you have to parent/do repairs/visit relatives you don’t like/etc.

      1. JoAnna*

        I called them “family trips” instead of vacations, because they’re not vacations when I’m still doing the same amount of work or more that I do at home.

      2. Faith*

        Interestingly enough, many people also seem to think that a maternity leave is a “vacation”. Like you just sit around for days doing nothing. They seem to ignore the fact that it usually involves recovery from a major medical event and taking care of another human being that is completely dependent on you 24/7 for absolutely everything.

      3. Josephine*

        My dream vacation is to take a week off and hang out at home while my daughter is in daycare. And live on frozen dinners and ice cream the whole time. She’s a toddler, and you could not pay me enough money to take her to Disneyworld. It would suck.

        1. CanadaNarwhal*

          Next week my husband is taking our kids to visit his parents, and I’m joining them a week later. I still have to work, but that’s more of a vacation than the “real vacation” when I’m also with the in-laws :)

          1. Harper the Other One*

            Oh, my goodness, so much this. My sister’s tiny one-bedroom apartment that is ALL HERS generates a lot of envy right now.

          2. Robin*

            I have actually taken a night off from my baby and asked Dad to cover him for the night as a THIS IS WHAT I NEED kind of thing. I stayed in an air bnb.

      4. Kid of Chinese Parents*

        As a kid who’s been in that situation, I can assure you it’s just as exhausting on us when we have to be shuttled around for 3 weeks straight seeing family members we never even knew existed.

    2. twig*

      Like when people say “you’ve never been to HAWAII? you should go, it’s only about $X for a hotel package and flight” where $X is more than a month’s pay for me.

      1. kallisti*

        My boss does that all the time. We both go on a lot of vacations, which I achieve through strict budgeting and she achieves by looking for discounts that are still way out of my price range. She goes on a lot of last-minute deals that are “so reasonable, only four thousand dollars for the whole week!” Her salary is more than double mine.

    3. CM*

      I’m sure I’ve done this. I have taken many a trip where I didn’t sleep, spent the entire time chasing after the kids, etc., and came home exhausted. I mean, those details are boring, so I hope I don’t focus on them too much. But if someone asks about your vacation, and it was a very stressful time for you, do you have to pretend you enjoyed it or be positive about it?

      1. Sciencer*

        I think that’s a fair point, but it wouldn’t hurt to keep things light if you’re talking to someone you don’t know well (or who you DO know has less free time/finances for trips). Like, “Oh y’know, it was actually pretty exhausting by the end because the kids were such a hassle, but I’m really glad we got to do/see X!”

        I think (sadly) it’s a pretty common experience to want a recovery/reset period after a vacation, or to feel extra stressed right after getting back and seeing the pile-up of work waiting for you. But after it all fades with time, we generally do remember the good parts more than the bad, and most of us would rather take an exhausting vacation than none at all. So I can definitely empathize with someone who can’t afford vacations during their time off to feel resentful of colleagues who (outwardly) don’t seem to appreciate the experiences they get to have.

        1. Parenthetically*

          This is one of the reasons I’m really grateful that we didn’t *do* much on our vacations when I was a kid. I mean, we couldn’t really afford to do loads of stuff, but it worked out well, because we all came home relaxed, having spent the week reading or driving around the mountains or sitting by a lake or whatever.

    4. fposte*

      Some of that is guilty deflection, I suspect, and some of it the plain truth that it didn’t feel like a break to the speaker.

    6. Chocolate lover*

      They do it because that’s how they felt about the trip? Of course it’s still time off, but frankly it doesn’t always feel like a vacation, which to means time off that involves something enjoyable. Plus, I personally don’t enjoy travel much, so it feels more like a chore.

      When we go visit my in-laws in another state, I don’t consider it a “vacation.” I consider it a family obligation, because I would never go there otherwise, and if I didn’t feel guilty about it, I’d choose to go somewhere else. I’ve already told my husband that this year involves a vacation of my personal choosing, since all vacations have revolved around his interests or family.

      1. Kid of Chinese Parents*

        This exactly. When my parents take me to China it’s a family obligation, not a vacation.

        1. monsters of men*

          Have gone to India for 6 weeks every two years since I was a toddler. It sucks, each and every time. Tensions flare & there’s fighting, the poverty makes you depressed about your status in Canada, there’s nowhere to escape to because the village is 4395045023 miles from a city, and the haul on roads to big cities & the flights are awful. It is not a vacation; it’s an obligation.

    7. MatKnifeNinja*

      The head of cardiology and ICU used to have those on his voice mail messages. Taking one for the team touring Hong Kong, Singapore, Thailand, Malta, Switzerland and UK.

      He might have not been so happy. He had multiple friends with benefits, and his wife kept him on a short leash during vaycay.

    8. pleaset*

      Why do people do this? Because they don’t want to go but have to. It’s not a vacation to them – relaxing and/or having fun. It’s an obligation.

      It’s time off from work, so from a work perspective it’s vacation. But it’s not the same as a real vacation.

      And yeah, I’ve spent a week in a part of China not having enjoyment due to family obligation.

    9. University Employee*

      Not to derail the conversation too much further, but to be honest I do get her point. A friend of mine travels abroad for 2 weeks every year to visit her boyfriend’s family and it sounds miserable. The idea sounds nice, and at first I couldn’t possibly understand why she complained about the trips every year. Then I found out what the trips actually were: she gives up the majority of her vacation time and thousands of dollars to have awkward dinners with family friends who ignore her because she is American and doesn’t fluently speak their language (even though she tries), get sick every day because they are constantly driving on the opposite side of windy and rural roads, and do the same stuff every year instead of at least getting to travel to new and interesting places each time. It’s not a trip at that point, it’s an obligation of her relationship that has made her resentful. I’m sure she would rather stay home and do other things with her vacation days and money.

      2. PR Guy*

        In our fam we separate the terms: vacation vs family trip. They are, eh hem, quite different. Not on the PTO count, but otherwise

    10. CaribouInIgloo*

      Speaking of vacation…
      This wasn’t an all-staff email, but a conversation my colleague and I had with our boss. It’s too hilarious not to share.
      Context: Boss is a 50-ish yuppie who fancies himself as Leonardo DiCaprio from The Wolf of Wall Street, but a lot poorer.

      The conversation went like this:
      Boss: Oh by the way, I won’t be available for 2 weeks in late August. I’m going to Burning Man.
      Us: …….OK.
      Boss: Please don’t tell anyone I’m going to Burning Man.

      2. Burner*

        Haha. I’m getting ready to go to Burning Man. Even though I’m excited to go, it’s definitely far from a relaxing vacation. It’s hard work and a huge expense. Also, I told very few people at my office last year that that’s where I was going until after I came back. I was so nervous about the stigma. But now that everyone at work knows, and knows that I’m hard working and professional, it doesn’t bother me to get razzed about it occasionally. Tons of business owners and entrepreneurs go each year, it’s not all college-aged ravers and clueless hippies. That being said, it sounds like your boss is in for quite the treat! Definitely press him for stories when he gets back!

    11. biobotb*

      Just because it’s your dream vacation doesn’t mean it was theirs. Plus, just because they weren’t at work doesn’t mean they were magically free of stress. Visiting family or taking care of family can be very stressful even if you don’t have it compounded with work stress.

      1. WellRed*

        I feel like asking someone how their vacation was is akin to asking “how are you?” I don’t really want to hear anything other than, “great!”

    12. BF50*

      Honestly, I doubt her trip is anything like “an experience may people can only dream about.”

      She’s not really a tourist. She’s visiting in-laws. She’s not seeing sights, she’s seeing busses and living rooms and kitchens.

      My husband grew up in Ireland and everytime we visit his family my coworkers get so excited for my “amazing” trip, but I’ve seen less of Ireland than many coworkers who take actual trips to Ireland. The vast majority of our trip is spent on my mother in law’s couch or in my mother in laws kitchen or on my brother in laws farm. People ask about what I did… Well, we fed the sheep and I watched a lot of the Irish version of Big Brother with my brother in law. Yeah, we went to dinner a couple times with my husbands school friends and on Wednesday we went on a tour because everyone was at work, but that’s all we could do. Plus this trip used up all of my vacation time and all of my money. I also don’t enjoy my mother in law’s cooking and pretty consistently catch something on the plane. The most recent trip involved two toddlers, so throw in screaming on airplanes, trouble finding food they would actually eat, and my daughter throwing up every time we drove anywhere because of the winding roads. That meant I had to wash vomit out of her car seat every day.

      Don’t get me wrong. I love my in laws, my kids adore the farm, and I have fun on the trips, but it’s no more exciting than when Joe in Finance travels to Wisconsin to see his in-laws. It’s the same visit at a more exotic local, but 3x as expensive and you can’t go for just a weekend, so it uses all your vacation time.

      Since I’ve known my husband we haven’t taken a vacation because his visits home use all or money and time off. In 15 years every trip we have taken together was either to Ireland or over a weekend, usually by car. Even our honeymoon, was basically just the weekdays in the middle of a trip to Ireland. We flew in on Thursday to visit family, then on Monday hopped on a cheap flight to Spain, returned the following thursday and stayed for another week. We got 4 days together and 10 days with his family. Now, again, I don’t mind. I like our trips and I loved our honeymoon, but it’s not what people think it is.

      I imagine it’s worse for your coworker. The flights are longer, the bus rides are longer, the kids are less likely to eat the food, and maybe she doesn’t speak Chinese, so sits silently at family dinners. Or maybe she doesn’t like her inlaws. Doing all that to visit people who aren’t kind to you would be absolutely horrible.

      1. A Girl Has No Name*

        All of this. My husband’s family also lives oversees and this is exactly what it’s like when we go to visit. His family happens to live on an island so when I say we’re visiting his family for a week, folks hear “tropical vacation” when really it’s just the normal trappings of everyday life of a family that lives 2-3 hours away from the beach (narrow scary winding road after narrow scary winding road). It’s fine, but it’s not glamorous, and certainly not relaxing now that we also have young children. And expensive (the flights alone can run us thousands of dollars!). And it’s almost always in place of a “real” vacation somewhere else. So yes, it can be nice, and there can be a day here or there when we get to truly “vacation” while visiting the in-laws, but mostly it’s just exhausting and challenging, and full of language and cultural differences (that are fine but still take effort to overcome at times), and you do it because you love your spouse, but that doesn’t mean you consider it a vacation despite having to use “vacation days” off of work to accommodate the trip.

      2. Rookie Biz Chick*

        Can you skip the next trip and send him with the kids for a week or two? That seems completely reasonable!

    13. Oxford Comma*

      I have a friend who does this. Loudly. To anyone who expresses the slightest bit of interest or envy in location in question. I get that business travel is work, but her constant complaints get old fast.

    14. GrossNegligence*

      I get to listen to faculty whine about too many tiresome trips to exotic locales thinly disguised as work-related, or whine about having to cancel the 3rd sabbatical trip to France this year.

      1. Earl Grey Fae*

        YES, and then having to create their paperwork to reimburse their “business/faculty development” mileage to and from another state where their family secretly lives.

    15. Diamond*

      I went on a holiday recently that just seemed to be difficult and stressful the whole time, and nothing turned out as good as we expected… it culminated in getting horrible gastro causing us to miss out on one of the best activities :(

      Sometimes holidays do suck and it’s the worst! I wish I had saved the 2 weeks leave. If people ask how it was though I just say it was good.

    16. Ann Onimous*

      This actually reminds me of a friend, who went to visit her husband’s family in India.

      The first time around, things were great, she got to visit a lot of stuff, hang out with people her age and just… have the time of her life.

      The second time around, she went with her toddler-aged daughter, and was basically having to look after her 24/7. No one offered to help babysit, and by the end of the trip she was much more tired than when she had left.

      I can understand how complaining about overseas trips may seem annoying to people who can’t afford them, but that doesn’t make them any less stressful or tiring for those who had to chase the kids around Disneyworld.

    17. Armchair Analyst*

      When my co-worker complained about his first-ever cruise, a week-long event, I decided then and there to stop listening to anything he ever said, ever.

  8. Zaphod Beeblebrox*

    OldJob was taken over by a new company, and the new admin manager was frustrated at the (perceived) number of errors being made – believing that everything was so straightforward that there was no way anyone should be able to get anything wrong. Ever.

    So, did he arrange for extra training for everyone involved? No.
    Did he ask if anyone needed further support? No.

    He decided the best way to deal with the perceived problem was to send a memo round to everyone (this is before e-mail) along the lines of:

    “Are we checking everything is correct? I SAY NO!”
    “Are we taking care to make sure we are accurate? I SAY NO”

    “I say no” was an office catchphrase for years afterwards.

    1. PB*

      I’m having flashbacks to my last job, where a manager in another department stumbled on a mistake in our database from 15+ years ago, long before any of us were there. Instead of contacting someone in our department to request a correction, she sent an all-staff email about the error and outlining the problems it caused. Like, okay? Sorry?

      1. Asleep or maybe dead*

        This happens at my place as well, and the messages end with “please inform us your account number” so they can charge our department for whatever. So obnoxious.

    2. Jadelyn*

      “They can take our lives. But they’ll never take…OUR ERRORS!”

      “There will come a day, when all errors are caught and everything is correct. But it is not this day!”

      …I’m tempted to go on, but I’ll stop here. Silly grandstanding deserves silliness in turn, though.

  9. JP*

    I received a department-wide email sent out about a coffee maker being broken. The coffee maker was in the UK. Most of the recipients of the email were in Canada.

    1. Marzipan*

      In my old job, they regularly sent round all-staff emails saying things like ‘there’s some cake in the kitchen’, cheerfully forgetting that we existed in our office FIFTY MILES AWAY.
      We definitely thought about doing the same thing back to them…

      1. Amber T*

        I’ve done this… we have two mailing lists – “Teapots (State)” (where a majority of the staff is) and “Teapots (all)” which includes ~3 employees on the other side of the country. When I need to send out company emails, I usually need to include everyone, including our 3 faraway peeps. But once in a blue moon I’ll want to email our local office about something specific and hit the (all) list. I always get a jokingly snarky response from one of the admins (we have a good relationship so I know it’s playful).

        1. Drew*

          People in my office bring in office treats roughly once a week and would email the “all staff in Location” address to let folks know that there were tasty yummies in the break room.

          A few people who were technically working in our location but usually telecommuted complained that they felt left out when those emails came in, and a few other people who were trying to watch what they ate complained that those emails constituted an attractive nuisance, so we created a new “tasty yummies at Location” email account and use that.

          Now people complain when folks bring in treats and they don’t know about them until the treats are picked over or entirely gone. You can’t win.

        2. Glowcat*

          It’s exactly the same for our institute, but sometimes someone gets the wrong mailing list, and sometimes the poor guy who’s alone overseas is forgotten; at least we are sure they are mistakes.

      2. Wendy Darling*

        I think I posted this before but someone sent out an email to the all-employees list at the company I work for, a large multinational corporation, saying “If you are the owner of a gold Honda Civic with the license plate [whatever] please contact the front desk.”

        We have like 20 different offices worldwide and they didn’t even include what state the license plate was from. I still don’t know which office’s front desk they were referring to. Also my whole team works remotely.

        1. starsaphire*

          But I’m sure you diligently looked out your front door into your driveway for a gold Honda Civic, yes? ;)

      3. LGC*

        That sounds like my company. Our office admin and organization president send out the occasional all staff emails about stuff in our HQ building (I work at the HQ, as do they).

        We have satellite offices throughout the state. None of whom care that the parking lot at HQ is being repaved on Thursday.

        (For what it’s worth, I love both of them otherwise, it’s just a minor annoyance!)

      5. Nina*

        I was the only employee in my company working remotely, and in a different country, and on a daily basis, I would get emails about cake/cookies/candy/happy hour/beer/wine fridge in the kitchen. I live on a tropic island, and they were in the UK, so I was always tempted to take a picture of the blue sky/blue water and be like, happy hour at 5pm!, just to get a reaction :))

      6. Diamond*

        Ugh, yes. We get included on emails about things like ‘please put your dishes in the dishwasher’, and over here in the small regional office we don’t even get a break room let alone a dishwasher.

    2. jackers*

      Hee! About 10 years ago, someone in our maintenance department sent out an email asking if anyone had seen the truck keys. But instead of sending it to his department, he sent it to the ENTIRE company. The entire GLOBAL, 200+ locations, 8,000+ employees, company.

      Much chaos ensued from across the globe as people began Replying to All with comments such as “Not in Kansas,” “London hasn’t seen them,” and my personal favorite “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.” This of course was interspersed with multiple emails from IT telling people to stop replying to all and to please not use the company-wide email lists for such things.

      2. AthenaC*

        We had a similar mishap recently involving an email list for all the veterans across the country in our company.

        The reply-all’s were really pretty amusing, as was the escalating FIRM COMMANDS TO STOP THE REPLY ALL.

        I eventually had to explain to my team (in the room with me, but not on the email chain) why I was laughing so hard.

      4. Mrs J*

        Best “reply all” I ever saw was in my previous job. I work in advertising, so we have to complete the dreaded timesheets every week. Deadline was Tuesday at 12 or you’d be locked out and have to sit at the FD’s computer until they were done.

        Everyone hates timesheets so there was always a scramble to get them done and at 10am every Tuesday, the finsnce exec would send out the usual warning. Until the week a particularly dippy account exec pressed reply all and said she assumed she could have her usual extension until Wednesday at 12…

        Cue the best “reply all” chain I have ever been privy to!

      5. BF50*

        A year or two ago, we received an email from a customer about compliance on something for government contracts. They sent the email to every contact on their domestic vendor list. There were about 6 people from my company who somehow were on that list. I don’t know why I was on it. I don’t work with that company.

        Something was wrong with their distribution list. You couldn’t see other the recipients, but it quickly became clear that replies to this email went automatically to the entire distribution list. I don’t know for sure So first there were a bunch of replies of “We don’t do X type of business” and “Please take me off your list” followed by literally hundreds of emails telling people to stop replying all. It went on for a couple days as people who were out of office came into work, saw 500 messages from random strangers about compliance and replied to one asking that people please stop replying all.

      6. DrTheLiz*

        “Reply all” kerfuffles make me *so angry*. When I was an undergrad, student societies all had mailing lists. Unless you were specifically authorized, any message sent to the list had to be individually approved by an admin. (I learned this because they were late with my authorization as a club officer one year).

        They implemented it on all student accessible lists after a mistaken message from the Business School went to all students and the “unsubscribe me”s got super out-of-hand.

        Best response? “Re: re: re: please unsubscribe me… And my axe!” Followed by “and my bow” etc etc.

        But if a university could set this up for clubs whose officers change every year then there is absolutely no reason any large organisation can’t do this.

    4. Blue Anne*

      When I worked in corporate audit, the branch of the firm in our country (UK) had an enormous event in London. They booked the O2 arena, had a ton of famous people play music and speak. They brought everyone in from all offices around the UK. Had us all dress in matching t-shirts. It was cult-like.

      The problem was, in the lead up to this event, they sent emails to all the UK teams, including the offshore guys in India who support the UK teams. The Indian teams thought they were coming to. (Which wasn’t crazy, given the expense of this event.) But they were not coming. I thought it was pretty messed up to make such a big oversight.

        2. Lefty*

          A tin wok from the new line at Steele’s, of course!

          Didn’t know I’d find other Be-linkers this way.

      2. Gerta*

        I am pretty sure I know which company and event you are referring to – I worked there too but was on overseas secondment when the O2 event happened. You have just validated my sense that it did all seem rather cult-ish. Feeling sorry for the Indian teams! I can easily see how that would have happened given how the department’s were administered.

        2. Blue Anne*

          Probably! I still can’t believe the lineup they had. And they gave away cars and stuff.

          I can see how it happened too. It was just… ugh. Just from chatting with the Indian team members I worked with the most, I know it would’ve been a big deal for a few of them to get to visit London with the rest of the firm. Crappy to get their hopes up like that.

          I fell asleep in the middle of Bob Geldoff’s speech. We came in from Scotland so I’d had to get up really early for this thing.

          1. Gerta*

            I can well imagine. India was only just becoming an integrated part of the process when I left London for a much smaller and less developed location, so I never had much to do with them, but a trip like that would have been an incredible opportunity for the local staff in my other office too.

          2. Thlayli*

            Woes it sounds like they spent a lot of money on it why didn’t they just bring the Indian team too that’s so mean. I’m guessing if they’d dropped geldof from the list they could have afforded to bring the Indians.

    5. Browser*

      I work for a global company. We have sites in more than a dozen countries, and tens of thousands of employees worldwide.

      Without fail, one particular site will ALWAYS use the global-everyone email list to notify people of things like “there are donuts in the breakroom” or “someone’s lights are on in the parking lot” and other SITE SPECIFIC items. The last one was a notification of a changing safety procedure in their warehouse and so every other site had to clarify to its employees that no, nothing is changing anywhere except Site-That-Cannot-Figure-Out-Local-Email-List.

    6. Jadelyn*

      My favorite example I give new hires for why our CEO is super strict about using BCC for all-staff emails is the Secret Santa Incident. A general “happy holidays, each branch has been given a budget to do something fun for staff, your branch manager will let you know what’s being planned at your branch, have fun and enjoy!” email went out to all staff. The “all staff” email list was not on the BCC line. Someone at one of the southern California branches hit reply-all to talk to their fellow branch staff about their Secret Santa. Another one replied. We were all (staff in northern California and the central valley, in Chicago, in Florida, etc.) treated to back-and-forth about planning for the Secret Santa at this one branch for an entire afternoon before someone came down on them and it stopped.

    7. Pauli*

      People in my large company are forever mixing up the Facilities mailing list (a dozen or so people) and the Operations mailing list (a third of the company including members of the executive team) and sending emails about burnt out light bulbs and stuff to the whole division…

    9. Ingray*

      I used to work as a fee-for-service mental health clinician, and the fee-for-service staff have vastly different benefits from regular hourly staff (pay more for health insurance, no paid holidays, PTO is handled differently, etc.) It always used to upset me when HR would send out an email with some update about benefits I didn’t get to enjoy. Like do you really have to rub my face in the fact that you all are getting a paid day off this week? Oh and thanks for reminding me that the PTO that I don’t get is about to expire at the end of the year. But apparently it didn’t occur to anyone to make a separate mailing list for hourly staff vs. fee-for-service staff. :(

    10. BoB*

      We had one of these, but it was a lost and found email. It was even more ridiculous because it was for a banana found in a stairwell.

      1. Gerta*

        Lol, I can just imagine the conversation to identify the real owner of the banana…. “Before I can return this banana to you, can you tell me what colour it is? Does it have any distinguishing features?”

        1. Jemima Bond*

          Yes, like the (admittedly distasteful) British simile “like chucking a sausage up a close”*

          *look away now if you don’t what to go “ick”

          This uses the term “close” as in a short dead-end residential street. And it refers, meanly, to the experience a gentleman may have whilst playing hide-the-sausage with a lady who has perhaps hidden many sausages in her time (or even been blessed with issue) so the sausage in the current case is, as it were, not restricted in its motion.
          *blushes for whole of UK*

  10. SuperAnon*

    I was on maternity leave earlier this year so wasn’t copied on the actual email but heard about and got to read it later.

    One of our faculty members created a fake gmail account and sent an email to our then-provost. The author stated that the provost was fake, that no one liked the provost, that the author had heard from others that the provost was bad-mouthing them, that the provost would never get selected for a job (he was actively and publicly applying for higher roles at other institutions), etc. It was a pretty spectacular rant. And my favorite part was that the author copied a whole bunch of other people on the email- deans, chairs of departments, and a bunch of non-faculty, non-academic folks from across the university.

    3. DefinitelyAnon*

      We had a very similar experience a few years ago, complete with some very unpleasant and serious accusations of sexual misbehavior.

      Except that it was written in ancient Greek lyric poetry.

      Ah, academia…

      7. Anonny*

        To be fair, Ancient Greek poetry about Zeus is bound to contain “some very unpleasant and serious accusations of sexual misbehavior”, that’s basically all he does.

        1. Liane*

          Yeah, I have been wondering for years why he was king of the gods and not the deity of Lust and All Things NSFW.

    4. Mallory Janis Ian*

      We had some faculty member from another university email one of our faculty members (and copy our department head, the dean of our college, and someone from upper administration) accusing our faculty member of asking his (the other faculty member’s) wife to collaborate on a research paper with him. I never could figure out whether our faculty member really was trying to hit on someone by asking her to collaborate, or if he was legitimately looking for a research partner and the spouse was just bonkers.

    5. Somewhat Anon*

      This wouldn’t be an Illinois institution would it? Another faculty member is doing a very similar thing at my husband’s university.

      1. Oh Academia*

        HA! My ex (and this is exactly why . . .) had a female “colleague” approach him about working on a paper and a TED talk. I read the email. Then the emailS.
        It certainly worked for her . . .

  11. Leela*

    Maybe cheating because this wasn’t intended to be an all-staff but:

    3/4 of my department at a call center was laid off. Our productivity dropped by 3/4. Management was in there berating us, tearing their hair out, freaking out at us going how could our productivity possibly have dropped by so much? We were forced to record the amount of time we were in the bathroom (technically called “personal time” and was also for getting water/whatever but still), and then when they had that data they cut it down to less than 10 minutes a day. They dramatically upped the amount of people we’d need to get to sign up before we could get our bonuses, claiming that there just wasn’t any money and we were going to have to really tighten our belts, and to really do our best to keep up morale.

    We get an e-mail that somehow got forwarded from a manager which clearly was only meant for management:

    “Congrats on our best quarter yet! Can’t wait for cruise to Mexico. Bikini party!” *drink emoji* *sunglasses emoji* *picture of Jake from Adventure Time flailing his arms excitedly*

    If they thought morale was bad before…

    1. [insert witty username here]*

      My jaw literally just dropped open.

      I think this would be one instance where I would consider quitting my job, on the spot, without anything else lined up. This is absolutely appalling!!!!

      1. Leela*

        American held hostage by health insurance:/. I did eventually get out though! The company ended up having to change their name because their glassdoor reviews were astonishingly awful, several recruiters refused to send people there, and they way they did business was so shady that people wouldn’t work with them anymore. Talking to people who were still there after I left, it doesn’t sound like the rebranding fooled anyone.

      2. Hey Nonnie*

        And I’d apply for unemployment and make my case for constructive dismissal. Access to a bathroom is required under OSHA, and I’m pretty sure that “we have bathrooms, but you can’t actually use them” doesn’t qualify.

    2. LSP*

      Yeah, all I ever hear at my company is how business is booming, every year is better than the last, and how we are in a hiring frenzy because we are so short -staffed.

      But when time for raises comes, it’s less than 3% across the board (and we live in on of the most expensive places in the country), and when asked about creating a parental leave program, we were given some song and dance about them looking into it, only to be followed by a quietly released finding that it “doesn’t make sense” for the company at this time. Of course, at the end of the year they love to use all the births of new babies to staff members to help boost morale and make everyone think it’s a family-friendly company. I’m about 5 months pregnant now, and I will be really annoyed if they try to do that with my baby while not working towards a paid leave program.

      1. Leela*

        Blegh:/ I really hope that this does result in a paid leave program but I’m skeptical.

        Also, working employees beyond what’s reasonable and severely underpaying them might *make sense* in a certain way for companies but good ones won’t do it because they know they’ll lose good employees. I hope this company loses its employees to jobs that offer parental leave!

      2. AntsOnMyTable*

        Last November when we got our raises the average for each unit had to be 1.5%. So if anyone deserved more than other people had to get less. Pretty much with inflation we are making less than we did we did before. Although I shouldn’t be shocked seeing how the new hire rate hasn’t changed in the last 3 years either.

      1. Leela*

        Yep! It was appalling. It was partially to offset the fact that letting a huge amount of staff go resulted in our team getting less callers enrolled per month than we had been (duh) and in my opinion, partially because it was very common to see people crying in the bathroom from awful calls (we called smokers who didn’t ask us to call them and tried to get them to sign up, threatening insurance hikes on behalf of their insurance companies if they didn’t. Oh and we sometimes were forced to demand they tell us their social security numbers before we would tell them what our program did when their companies didn’t tell them who we were or that we’d be calling).

        1. Chocolate lover*

          I know this wasn’t the topic, but I’d refuse to give you my social. I had one of my medical-related companies call me, and ask me to confirm my social. I pointed out that they called me, I had no need of them at this time, and refused to give it to them.

          1. Specialk9*

            It’s a pretty classic identity thieves’ move. Legit people should never call you and demand your PII data. Always assume they’re scammers and thieves.

            1. Iris Eyes*

              YES!! I don’t give a damn if I requested that you call me either, the one who does the calling does the identifying.

      2. NotAnotherManager!*

        My mom works in a call center, and this seems fairly standard. She has to clock out any time she’s off her desk/away from her phone, regardless of the reason, and she has to get permission to leave her desk apart from her three scheduled breaks. I could not live like that, but she doesn’t seem to mind.

        1. Specialk9*

          I’m sure they make up for that wage-theft with generous pay, benefits, and respectful policies.

          /S of course

          1. monsters of men*

            Of course not. That’s why it’s outsourced, because greedy western countries, with their laws and stuff. Easier to take advantage of the masses who have english as their second language

      3. Baby Fishmouth*

        Call Centres do that. The one I worked at gave 8 minutes ‘personal time’ for an entire 8 hour shift. All other times (except for lunch and a 15 minute break) you were expected to be on the phones.

    5. MLB*

      Wow, just wow. At my last company, I had started in one position and was basically pushed into another one that I really didn’t want, which was 2nd level support. I only begrudgingly agreed because I was told there would be no phone support (I called people back about their issues, but I wasn’t actually answering calls). After the company decided to outsource our help desk and then lay off most of the workers, they pulled all of the System Admins and 2nd level support people to let us know we’d be answering help desk calls. I lost it in the meeting and flat out refused. They added the number to our phones but it never came to fruition. The tickets I dealt with required research and time to resolve, and answering the phone because they decided to get rid of most of the staff would have been counter productive for me.

      1. Leela*

        I seem to remember that after they’d laid us all off, they were pulling people from any random job (accounting, HR, front desk staff, etc) to put on these calls without the proper training. Our system was clunky and complex, and you had to know the ins and outs of multiple insurance companies to know what to do with anyone. Since they didn’t have that, they basically just called super angry people to be yelled at and then when one of us was free, send super angry caller to us so we could get yelled at but actually move the process forward.

        1. Leela*

          clarifying: “us all” meaning all the people from our team that was let go, not literally including me as I was still there as were a small handful of people but most of us were devastated we didn’t get laid off

    6. Friday*

      Why is it the “not intended to be all-staff” emails are always the best all-staff emails. What was the fall-out from this one? Any of the peons dare to ask where their cruise invites were?

      1. Leela*

        I doubt it, but most of us who could leave immediately did, or looked for recruiters, or took anything at all to get out of the job. I do remember hearing that they got *scorched* for this among other things during exit interviews. When I got hired at Teapots Online after leaving, they had stopped doing exit interviews all together, whether that was because the sheer volume of them was too much to keep up with or because of what we were telling them I couldn’t say.

    7. Office Princess*

      Back in my call center days, we would have loved 10 minutes/day of personal time. We theoretically had 7 but would get yelled at if we used it on a regular basis. No wonder we all had UTIs all the time.

  12. Emmy Rae*

    A true beauty from a man who had had enough of the dirty sink but couldn’t help being a nice guy.

    Hello All –

    After arriving early to the office this morning, I was surprised to find in our office full of hard-working, wonderful, conscientious adults that the kitchen sink contained an assortment of food-stained silverware, cups filled with what appeared to be the early attempts at an artisanal sink-water flavored kombucha, and mugs with remnants of coffee grounds (see attached image for a visual representation).

    We can do better at keeping our office a clean space. It only takes 30 seconds to hand-wash a dish after using it. If the dishwasher is full or running and you do not have the time to wash your dish, please bring it back to your desk and wait until the dishwasher is cleared. Alternatively, I invite you to leave your dish in the sink and contact me for assistance. After living in a house without a dishwasher for the past 3 years, I’ve developed excellent hand-washing skills and would be happy to flex my hand-washing muscles around the office.

    Yours in keeping our kitchen happy and warm!

    -[Name withheld]

        1. Specialk9*

          Really really shameless. I wouldn’t be surprised though, I’ve known some shameless people. But dang that was the most polite ream-out I’ve ever read.

    3. Collarbone High*

      It’s early but I’m calling it, “artisanal sink-water flavored kombucha” is going to be one of the five best phrases posted here today.

      3. Liane*

        Only 1 problem: “Sink-water Flavored Kombucha Artisan” is too long a job title to replace Teapot Painter or Rice Sculpturer.

      3. Flash Bristow*

        Must admit I’ve never heard of kombucha and had to look it up. How has it passed me by when I ferment my own pickles / Kraut, have apple cider vinegar containing the mother (for my chickens) and my sourdough starter is in the fridge awaiting feeding…?

        That said – I think I’ll pass. The mother / scoby looks too much like what grew on my unfinished coke as a student. ahem. Don’t think I’ll ever be able to move my head on from that! Still, hey, today I learned… something…

        (meantime, I’m busy hunting for a copy of the email that got a workplace chat list shut down, back in the early 00s. It was epic. The problem was that people sent bitter leaving mails to it, and rather off colour remarks – nothing was off topic because nothing was ON topic, but apparently it’s still possible to go too far… While the list was opt-in only, most people were on it. If you’re part of it, nobody will talk about you on it, right? Seems the Powers That Be were silently reading all along…)

    6. Nita*

      We’ve had several all-staff rants about the state of the kitchen sink. The most memorable one included a picture of everything the plumber got out while clearing a clog. It was so gross. Although, fair enough, if the admin had to look at it, everyone who was dumping solids into the sink should too!

    7. SusanIvanova*

      I’d rather have all the dirty dishes in the sink than at people’s desks where they’ll forget about it and it’ll draw ants!

    8. Mojo*

      This is the nicest note I’ve ever seen asking adults to clean up after themselves. Was he Canadian? They are the king of polite!

          1. Specialk9*

            It was SO SCATHING but in such a genteel, below-the-water kind of way. I’m still giggling.

        2. Pebbles*

          As a Minnesotan, I just love being mistaken for a Canadian. We even have a town named “Little Canada”!

    9. Snickerdoodle*

      Wow, he’s WAY nicer than I was at my old job. I was tasked with keeping the kitchenette clean, and I told everyone that I wouldn’t be washing their dishes for them, so everything left in the fridge, sink, counter, etc. would be thrown out every Friday afternoon, dishes and all. There was a lot of pushback and freakouts, but luckily, management had my back and told them to STFU since it was the natural consequence of not cleaning up after themselves.

    10. lnelson1218*

      There was one guy once who asked me (the lone female in the office) whose responsibility it was to do the dishes (no dishwasher). I said, which was the case, everyone was supposed to be cleaning up their own.
      His response: but there were dirty mugs in the sink.
      I did the HR blink-blink, stare, stare.
      Him: whose going to clean the mugs?
      Me: I have jumped on the same wagon all the men in the office seem to be on and wait for the magic fairies to clean up.
      I can’t remember how long they were there. Probably until we finally got an office manager.

      1. Database Developer Dude*

        See, I’d be torn at that. I’d be tempted to do the dishes myself, but then again, I wouldn’t want it to be expected of me to do everyone else’s dishes….

    12. Snark*

      “artisanal sink-water flavored kombucha”

      I think I had a glass of that in Boulder one time.

      1. Chameleon*

        No, in Boulder you only get organic artisanal gluten-free sink-water flavored kombucha.

          2. Canadian Natasha*

            Is this supposed to be an unpopular opinion? I thought it was a general consensus and the folks who drank it had the “tastes so bad it must be healthy” mindset. Lol

    13. nym*

      A coworker posted this, with a cartoon, in a break room more than 15 years ago. I saved a copy. I wish I’d stolen the original of the cartoon and framed it. The essay was, of course, written in comic sans font.

      Cletus the Disgruntled Dish Fairy would like to request that if you insist on cooking a meal here in the for such absurd purposes as providing sustenance for your nutrient-deprived bodies, that you participate in ALL the exhilarating activities involved with the experience of making your own food by CLEANING THE DISHES YOU USE.
      Don’t deny yourself the excitement of taking responsibility for your messes before heading back off to your representative – however great of a thrill it is for those volunteers left behind to deal with your cuisine remnants to was dishes they had no role in sullying, it would be selfish of them to deprive you of the tactile sensation of a sponge full of dish soap rubbing against the surface of a national dish-encrusted pot. And being a card-carrying member of the Dish Fairy Union (Local Chapter #86), Cletus himself is exempted from any real sort of dishwashing activity, so that means the honor and privilege of keeping a clean kitchen lies with you.
      Godspeed, brave souls.

      1. nym*

        oops, attempting to use brackets resulted in two words left out:

        “…here in the (breakroom) for such absurd purposes…”

        and “…off to your representative (offices) – however…”

    15. Ann Onimous*

      (Lack of) Dishwashing e-mails are so common at every office I’ve worked. The highlight of this was when I received such an e-mail from a client. They were located in a different country! The entire team here was suitable amused that whoever sent the e-mail was angry enough to include the foreign contractors in his cleanliness shaming as well. Heh.

  13. Anon Academic*

    When I was a student, someone managed to send an email to every member of the university mailing system with a message that he was trying to sell a caravan. I have no idea how he did this, but hopefully they have tighter security in place now.

    There was also a philosophy professor who used to regularly email the ‘all students’ email list (that is, the one that they used to send out notifications to the entire student body) with notices relevant only to members of his small class. Really mundane stuff like the reading list or cancelled class messages. Each email would end ‘please don’t email me asking to be taken off the mailing list. There is no mailing list’.

        2. MentalEngineer*

          At universities with philosophy graduate programs, they normally do. Only the richest and fanciest schools can afford to pay their philosophy grad students to do nothing but research. Undergrad TAs don’t know enough to do any grading, which is why you don’t see TAs outside of schools with grad programs.

    3. Vemasi*

      Oh my goodness, I would have hunted him down to solve this. It would have driven me insane to know that he was flooding everyone with emails, being flooded in return, and no one was stepping in to stop it.

      1. Snickerdoodle*

        Seriously. Surely someone on the IT staff could have blocked his email until he sorted it out.

      2. Hey Nonnie*

        I would have had SO much fun with this.

        Each email, every single one, I’d email back with much confusion and consternation as to what class he was talking about, with much alarm as to possibly having missed an assignment or lecture, and begging him not to dock my grade because I didn’t remember this coming up in lecture AT ALL.

        If he responded, I’d write back with increasing confusion and alarm, and basically have an extended freak-out all over his email. Multiple one line emails sent in quick succession come to mind. Along with lengthy discussions of what I remembered happening in the class-that-is-not-his. I’d strive to “confuse” his class with another in a subject that makes the least amount of sense to confuse it with… say, macroeconomics. Then I’d also start sending him questions about discussions that came up in class-that-is-not-his.

        If he continued to send out class notes this way, I’d start recruiting friends into it, and encouraging them to recruit their friends as well.

        Maybe eventually he’d decide that emailing thousands of students not in his class wasn’t particularly worth it. Muahaha.

        2. Specialk9*

          I’m DYING here. I need to find you when I need to punish someone severely, but in a way that leaves me out of jail and not in trouble.

    5. Kittymommy*

      Now I’m super curious if it was a Dodge Caravan (mini van) or an actual caravan….. I would think the latter would be super difficult.

      1. Trout 'Waver*

        Campers and RVs are called caravans in parts of Europe. I’m betting that was the case here.

        1. londonedit*

          A caravan is slightly different from a campervan/RV/motorhome. Those things are all actual vehicles, whereas a caravan is a form of accommodation that is usually towed behind your car. It doesn’t have its own cab/engine/whatever, it’s just a glorified box on wheels with beds and a little kitchen and loo inside. They are beloved by a certain set of holidaymakers but also cause chaos on the roads of the British countryside during the summer.

    6. bookends*

      My college’s email system specifically blocked students from emailing the whole server. (Faculty/staff could, but that function was specifically meant for announcements and we’d all get them in one email as kind of a digital bulletin board twice a day.) I always wonder if something like this happened to prompt it.

    7. Shrugged*

      The irony of the philosophy professor ending an email to the entire student body mailing list with “There is no mailing list” has me in fits of giggles. What an existential crisis to solve!

        1. Someone Else*

          I’d be tempted to reply, “you’re correct; you’re not using a mailing list. You’ve just emailed every address in the system. You SHOULD be using a distribution list of people just in your class. A list would be good here, dude.”

    8. DrTheLiz*

      Was this institution in rural England in about 2013? That might have been my husband, if so :/

  14. Ladyphoenix*

    I feel bad for the Holiday Drink Manager. While he did punch someone, that someone was groping his wife.

    I don’t believe in the “objectification” of wifehood (where the wife is the man’s property), but I would probably get mad if someone tried to violate my loved ones’ space.

    1. Observer*

      Yup. One would hope that if someone groped a guy in his wife’s presence she’d try to do something. Of course, she’d probably get called a “jealous b***”, but sill.

      1. Ladyphoenix*

        I unfortunately would freeze from the sheer audacity.

        My hopeful reaction would be a great big “WTF are you doing?!” And a great big shove or a nasty kick in the side.

        1. GG Two shoes*

          When this happened to me (yes, at a christmas party- how cliche) I basically just stepped away and walked quickly to the restroom. My husband saw the last few seconds of the groping and went to see if I was ok and we didn’t mess with the guy the rest of the time.

          I didn’t bring it up to management until a couple years later as it was around the #metoo time. He had left the company by then but my understanding was he left on good terms so I wanted to have it documented so that he if he was ever looking again, they wouldn’t hire him.

          It was interesting to learn that there was a couple red flags with this kid that I didn’t know about at the time. If I would have said something sooner, it was possible things would have been handled differently.

      2. Indoor Cat*

        I mean, if you read any of Terry Crews’ interviews, where he talks about being groped / sexually harrassed at a party (by another guy), his wife was so shocked she just froze. And she, like, blames herself for not doing anything? But, honestly, he doesn’t blame her, obv, nobody would.

        Standing up for your spouse is great and important, but I think nobody knows how they’re going to react in that kind of situation. Nobody wants to think they’re going to be the bystander who just freezes, but I think, you know, unless you’ve had special training, suddenly being confronted by violence or some attempted sexual assault of some kind can be so jarring it’s hard to think straight. Hence the flight-or-fight (or freeze) responses.

        1. Observer*

          Oh, I’m not claiming that I would definitely do something, nor would I blame ANY spouse that froze in shock. My point is just that, the same way one HOPES that a male spouse will react if his wife were groped in his presence, one should hope that a woman would react. A guy protecting his wife is not “objectifying” wifehood and reacting to someone messing with his “property”, but a person protecting a loved one who he has committed his life to. And that goes in both directions.

      3. Thlayli*

        Honesty id probably laugh my head off. My husband knows Krav Maga and is well capable of fending of fun gropers so i wouldn’t feel the need to intervene. If a guy groped me must husband probably wouldn’t have the opportunity to punch him coz I would have probably done a knifehand strike on them (that’s like a karate chop and I have actually done this on gropers and punched them in the face too).

    2. Magenta Sky*

      Most of the women I knew when I was growing up would have kicked the groper’s butt themselves. A few would have needed to be physically restrained to keep from killing him.

      They made interesting role models.

    3. Tara R.*

      The OP of that thread did say that from what she saw before she left, it looked more like consensual grinding.

    4. Banana stand*

      This is not the place for this discussion. Save it for the open thread! Rants only should be in the comments

    5. Wintermute*

      When you’re talking about sexual assault, which unwanted groping is, I think there’s practicalities to consider about a violent response that make it a little more understandable.

      There is a certain element of ickinesss when a man takes violent offense to his wife being groped, because it is rather patronizing. But there’s also social stuff going on there too, we had a very similar situation happen at a work party back when I was working in door-to-door sales, Ted groped Jake’s wife Tina, well, it was an attempted grope really, he was too wasted to do much more than creepily paw in her direction. Jake proceeded to beat the everloving snot out of Ted, until he was pulled off of him by the rest of the sales staff. Fortunately I’d left early before the fracas started, but it was later relayed in glorious detail because it was all everyone talked about for a week, and there were more than a few videos– one sales manager saw Ted attempting to grab Tina and, being more sober than most, grabbed his phone and filmed the entire event in case Jake needed it to defend himself in court, plus, everyone else grabbed their phones when the fighting started, as meathead-bros do…

      Jake faced no serious consequences because it was a bunch of type-A-personality sales bros and “what was he supposed to do? nothing?” So there was an advantage to Jake being the one to throw the first punch as opposed to Tina, plus there was considerable social pressure on Ted not to make it a police matter, where if Tina had been doing the beating I’m not sure it would have applied and Ted might have gotten police involved (he was the dumbest man I’ve ever met, in practical terms, he was even TOLD not to do shots at the bar…)

      Of course there are also physical considerations, it’s easy to say that Jake should have let Tina handle it, but not many people are going to throw the first punch against someone twice their size that is clearly feeling no pain.

      All in all it’s not a great situation, but frankly, I think this world needs more instant and painful consequences for sexual assaulters, delivered at the hands of whomever of whatever gender is handy and capable…

  15. Wormy*

    My work has a list specifically for people to ask for recommendations/other things not related to work. I saved this thread because it’s emblematic of the kind of exchanges that go down there that escalate very quickly. I mean, I agree with the person in principle, but way to shut down a friendly chat…
    Poster 1: Free Fish Slider with any purchase at White Castle (link). Expires [date]
    Poster 2: Being that it is White Castle, which expires, the offer or the person eating it?
    Poster 3: I didn’t know there are White Castles in [location redacted]. There were lots of them in Louisville when I lived there, but I only ever bought coffee or chocolate shakes; never dared eat the food. White Castle makes Waffle House seem high class.
    Poster 4: There used to be one in [location redacted], but it is now closed. I just checked.
    Poster 5: With the oceans over-fished and dying, no one should still be eating any fish of any kind!! Even the fake stuff that passes for fish at White Castle. Thanks…
    (was in comic sans, with lots of bold and underlines to boot)

      1. Wormy*

        This person was known for shutting down conversations in this manner frequently. I think this was the only one I saved…

        1. EPLawyer*

          but WHY? Did it really accomplish anything — like draw attention to overfishing? Or did everyone go “There goes Fergus again, ranting away” and ignore it?

          1. Wormy*

            More the second one. Her points were usually valid, just delivered in a way that was guaranteed to shut any conversation down and make people roll their eyes. I seem to remember another one involving plastic that was in response to someone bringing cake, I think?

      1. Cat Herder*

        Yaaaaaasssss!!!
        NextDoor, where neighbors can hate on neighbors for the tiniest of non-reasons.

    4. Hey Karma, Over here.*

      Wow, no good deed goes unpunished. Well, I guess getting that fish at White Castle is punishment enough.
      Hehe, good one, Todd.
      Thanks, Nance.
      OMFG.

    5. samiratou*

      You could pretty much copy that exact exchange from my neighborhood FB group, without the comic sans (but only because FB doesn’t allow font changes in comments, or at least not easily).

      1. Pebbles*

        White Castle is a fast food place whose signature burgers are basically small meat squares that are steamed on a little white bun with some grilled onion. You can get them individually or by a case (30 I think). They are called “sliders” for a reason as they tend to not stay in your body for long. You either love it or hate it. Either way, it will not love you back.

        Fun fact: White Castle takes reservations for Valentine’s Day where the dining area is turned into a proper sit-down restaurant. There are tablecloths, it’s candlelit, and the menu is printed out and presented to you. Your server asks if you’d like any appetizers (fries, onion chips), and they bring the food out to you and keep your glass filled. My husband took me here once because he knew I really wanted to do this for Valentine’s Day. Still one of the better ones IMO!

    8. LadyCop*

      Some people can’t ever get off their agenda…
      Also White Castle is freaking delicious…I mostly go for the onion chips though. Friendliest fast food people I’ve ever met too!

  16. VermiciousKnid*

    Not an all-staff email, but this is definitely the craziest one I’ve ever seen. The publisher of a magazine I once worked on received the following email from an angry, racist reader. I’ve kept it for many years, I love it so. I have obviously changed some details so as not to dox myself.

    The picture on page 2 of the last issue of Teapots Monthly is very disturbing. The figures present a very arrogant, “in your face,” and hostile demeanor. The article states Hispanics need access to “affordable teapots,” while these subjects exhibit gold jewelry, perfectly coiffed hair, and what appears to be expensive attire. It’s the same old story: priorities, sufficient resources for everything but teapots. But don’t fret, pretty soon anyone may attend a trade school and be licensed to make teapots, so that takes care of the access and language barriers. It’s so easy, ya kno’. What happened to learning English? Oh, I forgot: Andrew Jackson stole Florida from Spain in 1819, just taking back what was theirs anyway! One final rant: you have the Hispanic Teapots Association, American Association of Women Teapot Makers, National Teapot Association, and how many more “associations” each presenting their own agendas. I find this divisive and racist. Do you think a White Man’s Teapot Association has a chance? Stop there: The American Teapot
    Association is all inclusive, evidenced by its presidents; any ethical teapot maker may join with the assurance that the whole profession is represented. Maybe the intent of the photo and article was not as it appeared to me. I hope so! If I did not speak up, I feel I would be complicit in the demise of what little is left of the republic.

    Joey Joe Jojoson, citizen
    ___________________________________________________________
    I love how it’s pretty standard “I’m racist” fare until it totally goes off the rails. Also, anytime I lodge even a small complaint, I want to add “If I did not speak up, I feel I would be complicit in the demise of what little is left of the republic.”

    3. Workin on that name thing*

      “If I did not speak up, I feel I would be complicit in the demise of what little is left of the republic.”
      That’s a keeper!

      1. Anonny*

        It’s one of those sentences that, especially when included in a letter like this, immediately turns you in favour of burning your entire country to the ground. At least for a few minutes.

    4. VermiciousKnid*

      There is so much to love about this email, but my absolute favorite may be the guy’s signature. “Citizen.”

    6. Veruca Salt*

      I like how he’s defending what’s left of the republic by going after the big issues: publishing photos of non-white people with perfectly coiffed hair.

      1. zora*

        Well, duh, you must know the commonly known fact that poor people are genetically incapable of brushing their hair, and if you are really poor you look dirty and disheveled all the time, because your poorness seeps through to your outward appearance. If someone’s hair looks nice or clothes are clean, you know immediately they can’t be poor, they must be hiding millions of dollars somewhere.

    9. Jadelyn*

      And I thought my “How can YOU call YOURSELVES an EQUAL OPPORTUNITY EMPLOYER if you are requiring applicants to speak SPANISH??!?!” email was good!

      It came from an angry white woman who had applied for a job that required bilingual Spanish/English skills because it was serving our clients in an area that’s predominately Hispanic. As in, this was her cover letter attached her her resume. All-caps bits and all.

      She went on to bitterly inform me that she had taken Spanish in high school but that she doubted I’d be willing to consider her anyway. And I mean, she was right – but it had nothing to do with how well she spoke Spanish!

      1. Traffic_Spiral*

        I love that special american “how dare some jobs require you to speak more than one language!” Like, that’s the norm for tons of countries, Louisa-May!

        2. Jadelyn*

          Sadly America is so violently monolingual that to many people, speaking other languages is not a skill but a racial marker – speaking a second language marks you as a Foreigner. And because that’s how their brains interpret it, it leads to racist tantrums like the above, since “speaks Spanish = Latino” as far as they’re concerned.

          And don’t even get me started on the terrible lack of language instruction for children in American schools. *mutter grumble grr*

          1. OompaLoompa*

            Trilingual = someone who speaks three languages
            Bilingual = someone who speaks two languages
            Monolingual = an American

            1. DoctorCactus*

              You know, “monoglot” also means one who speaks only one language and feels even more apt here…

    11. Marthooh*

      I don’t have an actual comment to make here, but if I did not speak up, I feel I would be complicit in the demise of what little is left of the republic.

      1. zora*

        You are officially the first person in this thread to make me laugh out loud in my office. Congrats. ;o)

    12. Ennigaldi*

      This reminds me so much of my favorite rant from LastJob, which stated that putting on an LGBT exhibit at the museum made us “tools of the Gay Agenda.” Oddly enough that LW was also ranting about how white men weren’t honored enough in history.

    13. Hey Nonnie*

      This reminds me of an email we got from a customer many many years ago — I wish I had saved it now.

      It was in response to a newsletter we had just sent out. The cover story was about work-life balance. The headline for this story was literally “What Really Matters: Tips For Work-Life Balance.” The cover image was of a woman in the lotus position meditating in an office cubicle. It was a stock image (specifically this one.)

      The email was basically a long rant about “what are we implying?” with the use of that cover image, and were we “really” saying that we’re just fine and dandy with those foreigners coming in to take our jobs??!!!?!?

      In choosing that photo, the woman’s heritage was not even on my radar as something worthy of considering; I was searching for “obviously an office” and “life balancey.” But apparently that aspect of the photo was the only part that mattered. [cue eyeroll]

      I REALLY wanted to reply with snark from both barrels. I managed to restrain myself.

    14. Girl friday*

      I understand what Teapots Monthly is supposed to be, but what kind of teapots would you need to be licensed to make? I love this letter, but being from Teapots myself… Weapons? Steel? Oil? Since it doesn’t track through the whole letter it doesn’t quite sound real, but I’m willing to try to follow it.

  17. Trout 'Waver*

    Since I suggested this….

    “To: All Employees

    From: CEO
    CFO

    In an effort to improve the operations and cash flow of Company, we have begun scrutinizing employee expenses and credit card use since 1/1/12. What we have found has been astonishing and, quite frankly, embarrassing.

    In the event that our corporate policy has not been clear in the past, we would like to remind everyone that no personal expenses shall be reimbursed by Company. If you have a corporate credit card, no personal charges are allowed to be made on the card…..regardless of whether or not you intend to repay the company. Finally, we would like to encourage each of you to use appropriate discretion when spending company funds; when our costs are lower, everyone has a higher chance of receiving their bonus.

    If you have made personal charges on a corporate credit card and not already reimbursed the company, you have until Friday, May 18th to do so.

    Failure to abide by the policies above will result in termination of employment.

    In just the last 45 days, we have seen instances of extravagant restaurant charges, flowers, groceries, lunch charges when not with a customer, new golf course attire (really!) and a $255 charge at a gas station. The bottom line is that it is nothing more than stealing from the company, which shall not be tolerated.

    Feel free to contact either CEO or me if you have any questions or concerns and thank you in advance for helping to improve our spending habits.

    Sincerely,
    CEO and CFO”

    1. Trout 'Waver*

      So it turns out a couple of the outside sales guys were putting their dates with their mistresses on the company cards so their wives wouldn’t find out.

      On the deadline in the memo, everyone’s company card was revoked, the offending parties were fired, and new cards were issued only to the remaining outside sales.

      2. Clorinda*

        Since they knew who was charging these expenses, why didn’t they go straight to those people, revoke their cards, and fire them? Why involve everyone else?

        2. Traffic_Spiral*

          Yeah, this seems like punishing everyone because a few scumbuckets had to use the company account to hide their adultery.

      3. Accounting IsFun*

        I had a sales person put his motel bills for his mistress on the company expense report. This was awhile ago when the smaller motels did hand written bills. We did a time series analysis on the report and strangely enough, all of the motel bills were in sequential order.

        1. Lily in NYC*

          I had a coworker who actually tried to put a hand job on his expense report (he didn’t admit it until further questioning). He was an investigative journalist and tried to submit a high expense from a strip club. He said he met a source there and had to pay them (we didn’t pay sources). He finally admitted he got a hand job in the back room. !!!! He did not get fired. Ah, the joys of print journalism in the late 90s.

    2. Partly Cloudy*

      $255 at a gas station? Either someone gassed up their boat or they were pulling a Winona Ryder in Reality Bites.

      1. Rusty Shackelford*

        Or those dates with the mistresses involved a lot of 12-packs and convenience store burritos…

        1. Drew*

          I know that I always enjoy my dates more when I’m full of Natty Light and refried beans.

          Can’t say the same for my dates, however.

            1. MatKnifeNinja*

              Seriously, I got tears in my eyes.

              Only thing that would make it better, is those party store hot dogs doing the back stroke in their own filthly hot dog bath.

              So the refried dreams is an upgrade.

        2. Falling Diphthong*

          I am going with this: they were doing something with $255 worth of gas station burritos. And if Savage Love has taught me one one thing, it’s “Never google to find out what this is. You can’t erase that knowledge.”

          1. Specialk9*

            Haha what’s that rule of the internet, that if you imagined it, someone’s made porn about it?

      6. nonegiven*

        I was thinking it was a couple of tires. We have one gas station where you can buy tires.

      7. Nita*

        I’m picturing property damage charges, like for driving off with the gas pump hose still attached…

      8. many bells down*

        Someone got ahold of my credit card number about 8 years ago and had a similar amount charged at a gas station 2500 miles from where I live. I assumed they bought cartons of cigarettes.

    4. Bea*

      Holy shht. I’ve seen accidental charges before but the person always noticed and alerted me. I would have fired them and then sent the email about how to avoid the same fate. They’re so tolerant and way more chill on the fraud!!

      1. Bea*

        It’s not. The post is about All Office memos. Some are just elaborate and not necessary to share with everyone! That’s the case here. You call in anyone with ef’ed up expense reports to demand answers and fire the idiots.

    6. MsMaryMary*

      We’re no longer allowed to expense alcohol since one account exec submitted a bill for a meal that included four double vodka tonics and two bottles of wine…while dining with a client who did not drink.

      2. MatKnifeNinja*

        Light weight. I took care of a patient who would have that as a starter for lunch.

        Functioning alcoholics can down a lot of booze.

        1. Observer*

          Not so functioning, if you ask me. Most people who don’t drink don’t enjoy watching someone downing a liquid lunch. If you’re thinking straight, you don’t take that chance with a client.

        2. Specialk9*

          That’s, what, 16 drinks? I’d be astonished to watch someone drink 16 glasses of WATER with a meal!

      3. Trout 'Waver*

        Some people claim to not drink for religious reasons, but will certainly imbibe when in a one-on-one setting with someone who does drink.

        Not necessarily the case here, but it was my first thought.

        1. CMart*

          Two double vodka tonics and a bottle of wine per person is still WAY too much for anyone at any dinner. That’s 8 “drinks”.

          1. Awesome huh*

            An expense reimbursement for VIP hosting was submitted to a VP (department needed upper level approvals) and then on to me for my review and approval.

            While the VP approved the expense, she included a memo which included an analysis of the time spent at the restaurant, the number of people, the number of drinks, the type of drinks, a print out of the state dmv alcohol chart reflecting the number of drinks, types of alcohol, and projected blood alcohol content. Concluding that all present, assuming the drinks were consumed in proportion to the number of people, had to have been well under the influence so they better not have got behind a wheel. Also, in the future, this type of consumption, could be grounds for termination.

            A classic.. She was our hero!

              1. Tace*

                I don’t know – some heavy drinkers (and even some casual drinkers) can get awfully defensive with “but I’m a good driver/that’s not that much if you know what you’re doing/I can hold my drink, so my liver, my brain, and my hand-eye coordination are all magic!” or whatever. I can understand the urge to try to pre-empt some of that with facts and laws.

          2. Girl friday*

            It’s obviously the person, the client, and two unnamed guests. Not a lot of alcohol for that many people. Or it could have been one to four people and a 4h 4-course meal. Many options.

    7. I See Real People*

      I had a C-Suite boss one time that paid her daughter’s semester tuition to state college on her company credit card…twice! She tried to say it wasn’t her charge and then finally paid it six months later.

  18. Rachel in NYC*

    I work at a major research university that uses gmail for one of our email services. A few weeks ago someone sent a test email and mistakenly cc:ed everyone at the university that had google drive set up on their email account. Slowly but surely people started replying all, “please remove me.” And not undergrad students that you can forgive, but directors of departments, award winning reporters, everyone and anyone. It was ridiculous.

    Hundreds of reply alls later, the emails finally stopped and you could finally receive all of the emails that had been sent during the reply all cycle.

    I hate reply all.

    1. PB*

      This happened a little while ago at my university, when an admin sent an email to the wrong listserv.

      Admin to all-staff: Thank you for agreeing to serve on XYZ committee.
      Reply 1: I’m not on XYZ committee. Please remove me.
      Admin: Oops, sorry, wrong listserv! Please delete.
      Replies 2-100: I’m not on XYZ committee, either. Please remove me.

      It got very old, very quickly.

      1. AnotherSarah*

        Haaaa I for sure was a grad student/TA at one of your universities–our “reply all” fiasco made the (local) news!

      2. Adlib*

        That happened to me on a state-wide email that went out to all notaries. People started replying to the list. It got out of hand very quickly.

      3. pleaset*

        I had a good experience – someone ranting with reply all about getting a spam that was CC’d to a bunch of us at different organizations/businesses who did not know each other. Turned into a reply all mess until someone spoke up and said “I think this was Godaddy selling our info – I’m an attorney and will get back to them to not do it. Let me know if it’s OK to mention you in demanding they not do it again. ” I emailed him directly, and I think a lot of people did – the reply alls stopped.

    2. Emmykins*

      This happened to me today/yesterday. I work at a multi national company and someone in IT added an email list to a response about a ticket. I got hundreds of “please remove me” and the others pleading “please stop replying all”. Lol. That was yesterday afternoon and I deleted them. But I think folks on the other side of the world started work and continued replying last night. Hopefully ppl figured it out now.

      1. DogTrainer*

        Just yesterday on a professional listserv, someone sent an email advertising an open position as a llama trainer. Someone then replied all, “I am very interested in your position of Llama Trainer and have applied via the website. I just wanted to send a note that I would still love to speak with you more about your needs and my experience. Thank you and I will look forward to possibly hearing from you.” Unfortunately, their boss and colleagues are likely on the listserv and so saw his email, and now this person doesn’t look very professional. Ooops!

        2. Glowcat*

          That was bad, but they have my sympathy. Just yesterday one IT engineer sent me a mail with the instruction to fix a problem, then sent a group-wide mail with the same instructions, probably in case someone was experiencing the same; this group is scattered across several universities and most of the people have no idea who I am. I had already wrote my reply saying that I had already told him it worked and there was no need to say it again when I noticed what was on the “To:” field, missed a heartbeat and frantically deleted everything.

    3. RabbitRabbit*

      Wasn’t gmail here – we have Outlook for our internal e-mail service – but there are listservs that are available, and last year a couple got abused in announcing things like thesis defense presentations, and a couple reply-all avalanches started. After a couple go-rounds of those, a very official “Do not use these lists for announcements without permission” warning went out, and it was finally quiet.

    4. SusanIvanova*

      I work at a large tech company. If you have clearance to know about a project, you’re on its associated mailing list. So you’d think there wouldn’t be “remove me from this list, how did I get on this list?” reply-alls, right?

      It happens at least once a month.

    5. Dr. Johnny Fever*

      I was on an old list, DeptALL. Occasionally, a customer agent would have an issue with an account and send the details, including personally identifiable information, to DeptALL. In DeptALL, we were not allowed to handle the personally identifiable information, only the report.

      The first Reply All message would state, “You are sending sensitive information to this distribution. Please report to Help Desk.” Followed by another, and another. Then the SECOND Reply All thread would start – “Please stop using reply all!” which was echoed throughout. Then the third round, “Please remove me from this distribution list.”

      Lather, Rinse, Repeat across the country causing about 6 hours of madness and choked mail servers.

      I never understood why customer agents even knew about DeptALL.

    6. MsMaryMary*

      If email systems can remind you to attach a file when it looks like you meant to and forgot, I don’t know why there’s not a pop up that says, “You’re about to reply all to an email with more than five recipients. Do you really want to reply to all?”

      1. Harriet*

        My work actually does this – if you’re emailing over a certain number of people it will tell you how many people the email is going to, they introduced it to make everyone think twice about all office emails etc. It also says if an internal person you’re emailing has their out of office on.

        1. Jadelyn*

          Ours does, too – it gives us two messages. One says “This list contains about 330 recipients”, and the other says “You’re sending a message to all staff. Please use the BCC line to avoid unnecessary email chains.”

      2. JustDessert*

        My outlook does that. It has an alert at the top that says “this email will be sent to about “##” recipients.

        1. TheTallestOneEver*

          In addition, we set it up where out of our 5,000 employees, only six people can send an all employee email.

      3. Rat in the Sugar*

        My outlook system actually is set up to give warnings like that sometimes! Last week I had to add an insane number of people to a project at once, and when I sent the notification email to them as a group I got a warning that said something like “Whoa, you’re about to email 26 people at once! Are you sure about that??”

    7. fposte*

      This whole subthread is taking me straight to The West Wing, and Margaret breaking the server by spreading information about the dubious calorie count of raisin muffins.

      1. Hey Karma, Over here.*

        That did happen at a university where my nephew was working. 30,000 people and exponential reply alls shut the system down for a day!

    8. Snickerdoodle*

      Ew. We had a similar explosion of “Please remove me” at my job a while back. Even closing Outlook didn’t help because everyone was talking about it; I had to leave for a bit before coming back to a 100+ email thread ending abruptly with a bold, all caps, red warning from HR to stop replying.

    9. Alli525*

      This happened at my college too, except we weren’t on a gmail system – there must have just been a glitch. Although it occurred on what I think was a Friday night, so there were a looooooot of drunk undergrads replying-all and I (being sober that night for whatever reason) just sat back and laughed at the chaos as it rolled in.

    10. Queen of the File*

      I feel like I won the work lottery on days when this happens. I don’t know why but I just find it so entertaining. Our last one ended something along the lines of:
      Response #150: PLEASE DO NOT USE REPLY ALL TO REQUEST TO BE REMOVED FROM THE MAILING LIST. Yes, I recognize that I replied all. I only wish to stop the madness of constant replies to LITERALLY THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE who do not have the ability to remove anyone from the mailing list.
      Response #152: I did not use reply all but now I am getting a bunch of messages from everyone telling me to stop replying all–I think there is a problem with the email system.
      Response #153: I am not the administrator of this mailing list and am unable to unsubscribe anyone. Please do not send me these messages.
      Response #154: I did not sign up for this mailing list either, please remove me too.
      Response #155 (from the same person that sent #150): MAYBE SOMEONE CAN HELP ME BY TRANSLATING THIS INTO MORE LANGUAGES BECAUSE CLEARLY PEOPLE DO NOT UNDERSTAND. THIS IS A MAILING LIST AND EVERY TIME YOU SEND AN EMAIL TO [address redacted] YOU ARE ANNOYING THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE. IF YOU WANT TO UNSUBSCRIBE YOU MUST SEND AN EMAIL TO THE PERSON WHO MANAGES THE LIST, NOT TO THE LIST ITSELF, PLEASE DO NOT RESPOND TO THIS MESSAGE.

      I totally understand accidentally sending out a mass email (and have done it myself)… however it is constantly baffling to me that people who hold down corporate jobs in this day and age don’t understand what it means to send an email to a mailing list.

      1. Essess*

        I agree. I’ve always felt it should be a line item on a performance review…. “Was the employee able to use email reply-all responsibly?”

        1. AMPG*

          We have a horrible reply-all culture at my current job. The one thing that gives me hope is that when we had an IT crisis and an all-staff email went out containing both instructions to log back into the system and a strict direction NOT to reply all if anyone was having trouble, only one person ignored that direction. We’re both at the same level in the organization, so after her 2nd reply-all I emailed her directly and told her to cut it out.

        2. screen4b*

          No one has yet mentioned the additional messages generated when ‘send to all’ or ‘rely all’ also is also sent marked as ‘confidential’ and as ‘delivery receipt ‘ and ‘open receipt’ requested.

      2. Bekx*

        Oh my GOD the exact same thing happened to me last year….I wonder if we got the same email. It lasted like 4 hours of just non-stop emails. There were only two of us at my dealership (hint, hint) that got them, and he and I were going crazy.

        1. Specialk9*

          You can set up a rule that sends all emails in that conversation to a folder. Then you can delete all, or mark them all read.

    11. J.*

      In my higher ed experience, the students are much, much better than the faculty at not doing the reply-all to request removal from reply-all threads. In fact, tenured faculty and department heads tend to be the worst offenders!

    12. Murphy*

      Something similar happened at my university as well…also gmail. But it wasn’t recently. Also somehow IT was copied on one of the emails and every email to IT opens up a ticket…and every reply to that email amended the ticket…and anyone named on a ticket gets notified of all amendments to the ticket and you can see where I’m going with this. It wasn’t literally everybody at the university, but it was A LOT.

        1. Murphy*

          The only thing I’m sure about is that anyone who needed actual IT help that afternoon did not get it.

          People were replying all to ask why they got the initial email, and then subsequent emails, people were replying all to ask everyone else to stop replying all, people were trolling, people were complaining that they had ACTUAL IMPORTANT EMAILS….Eventually the emails stopped and about an hour after that there was an apology from IT.

    13. Pebbles*

      CurrentJob once brought down the email server due to a reply all fiasco. Someone started the whole thing by sending an email with a large attachment. Well, our email server at the time didn’t have a single-store attachment feature, so that attachment was copied to each person’s mailbox folder on the server, and there was about 1000 people in the company. Then someone would reply all, then another, then you had the people who would ask everyone to not reply all…and each time that attachment was included in the reply email, and it was being saved about a thousand times…again and again and again until the email server just couldn’t keep up and finally went boom.

    14. SeluciaMD*

      Whenever I hear these stories about “reply all” disasters I cannot help but think about Margaret on TWW and the raisin muffin email debacle.

      Yes, it is my life’s goal to bring everything back to TWW.

    15. Confidential Assistant*

      This happened when I was an undergrad in my major’s department too. I was abroad at the time but I still got all the emails, it was pretty funny.

    16. Howie*

      Long live reply-all!

      At an old job (higher ed) we’d have a reply-all avalanche every few months. Used to bug me, until my cube-mate started trolling the list, trying to keep the chain going (stuff like Response #152 in another comment here, but on purpose). Somehow that shifted my mindset, I found the humor in it, and now I savor a good reply-all avalanche. If there’s fewer than ten reply-alls, I’m disappointed.

    17. That's so anon*

      I’m currently trapped in a reply-all chain with one hapless person.
      From: Jimothy
      To: Llama Herders, Llama Groomers, Llama Feeders
      “Dear Pamantha Llama Herder, do you know which Llama Feeder can approve this report from the Llama Groomers?”

    18. H-E-B*

      This happened to me at a Big 4 Accounting firm after the switch to gmail. A place that prided itself on being technologically advanced, and we all spent 6 hours deleting mass e-mails of, “Please take me off this chain.” But we weren’t supposed to mute the thread because it was an emergency alert notice from the emergency alert and we could miss Serious Vital Life Saving information if we muted.

    19. M*

      Oh my god, this happened at my major research university last month, and everyone was just getting hundreds of the “this email is not meant for me” reply alls. It was horrible

    20. Hannah*

      This used to happen to me, maybe once every three months, at the company I used to work at. I switched to a competitor, and in six years, it hasn’t happened once. Both large companies, woth thousands of employees, both with mailing lists, and people still sometimes reply all by accident. But it isn’t followed by an avalanche of “take me off the list”, “don’t reply all”, “replying all to tell people not to reply all is just as bad” emails.

      I take that as a general sign that this company has smarter and/or less hostile people.

  19. NerdyKris*

    I worked at a place where another manager was bullying and harassing female employees. His current target was the ex girlfriend of a former employee, who was now banned from the premises because of stalking and a restraining order. Problem is, this guy was also the manager’s pot dealer/friend. (Manager was in his sixties, these people were barely out of their teens) He was livid that she was being such a “c-word” and she had no right to keep this guy from hanging out in the parking lot while they smoked. There were multiple IMs sent to various employees about this, plenty of proof, and eventually HR gave him a “This is your last warning” conversation.

    His reaction was to walk out of the HR office, and immediately yell across the call center floor “Now I know who stabbed me in the back! If you thought I was bad before, you’re going to to wish you never worked here!”.

    They immediately pulled him back into the office and terminated him. He still does not understand why.

        1. NerdyKris*

          I wasn’t clear, he was getting high at work on his breaks in the parking lot. That’s why he kept letting the former coworker show up to give him weed, despite a restraining order.

    2. Elan Morin Tedronai*

      I’m just imagining him exiting the HR office, yelling that statement, then a hand reaching out from said office and yanking him back in by the back of his shirt collar.

      Think my morning coffee hasn’t taken effect yet. {peers into cup}

  20. BlueWolf*

    Note: would prefer not to have this in a round-up).
    Unfortunately, I didn’t save the email thread, so I don’t recall the specific wording of the emails but the general gist is this:
    A department head who was leaving announced that they would be departing in a couple months in an email to the entire (quite large) department. Nothing too crazy, just the standard “I’ll be leaving on xx date, etc.” But then, they sent a follow-up email (also to the whole department) informing us that actually the higher-ups/HR had asked them to leave in a week. Funny enough, immediately after that another email was sent out by a higher-up announcing that “Today will be [department head’s] last day.”

  21. AlPal*

    I interned for a summer at a global IT company where one employee managed to accidentally send an email to the entire global employee mailing list! No mean feat when only a handful of people are supposed to have access to that! It was a pretty innocuous email, asking if anyone on their team had some documents they needed, but what followed was spectacular. Hundreds, if not thousands, of people Replied All saying this email wasn’t relevant to them and can they please be taken off this mailing list, followed by countless emails telling everyone to stop hitting “Reply All”, adding to the disaster themselves!
    The email system slowed to a crawl, legitimate emails were taking hours to appear and when they did they were quickly lost in the sea of Reply All emails! The worst thing was, this happened in the morning here in Europe, so just as the emails started calming down, our colleagues in America were starting work, finding the emails, and starting the Reply All chain again! They managed to find some way to stop these emails flooding everyone’s inboxes before our colleagues in Asia started, thankfully!

    1. BRR*

      I think people need to take a test to use reply all. Reply all should be a privledge, not a right.

      1. Rebecca in Dallas*

        This didn’t happen to me, but to a friend.

        Her entire office (pretty large, at least a couple hundred people at that location) got an email with “gentle reminders” about the dress code. Someone apparently meant to forward/reply to just one coworker but instead replied all, “Can you believe this crap?” She said there were audible gasps throughout the office as people saw it pop up in their inbox!

        1. CM*

          Reminds me of when a secretary at my old law firm accidentally hit Reply-All on an all-firm email announcing bonuses. She meant to just email a friend, but she complained about how cheap the firm was and how a certain partner just took a nice vacation while the staff got paid a fraction of what he got. I felt so bad for her! She sent out an apology email later and people stopped talking about it pretty quickly, but it was the kind of place where the higher-ups would hold that kind of thing against you forever while assuring you that they had forgotten all about it.

          1. Specialk9*

            I made a rule to always switch modes if complaining. So from email to text message or such. This is why.

            2. Hannah*

              My rule is don’t talk sh*t in email. Period. I’ve convinced myself it’s essentially a public forum.

      3. a*

        Our statewide email system sends out certain announcements to all employees, including various events, and death notices regarding employees, retirees, and/or their family members. One coworker infamously replied to this asking to be removed, as they did not care to receive the many death notices about people they didn’t know.

        I was on vacation when it happened, so I missed it, but on another of these emails, a different coworker replied to all with her son’s hockey schedule. That prompted another all-employee announcement about the hazards of Reply All.

    2. Rey*

      The one time that I’ve been stuck on a reply all nightmare like this, I just set up an Outlook rule to automatically delete the emails so that I didn’t have to see them keep coming in. I agree that reply all should be much harder to use than it currently is.

    3. MsMaryMary*

      That happened at my multinational former employer over the 4th of July weekend, Someone in India accidentally emailed the entire company. Due to time zones and the holiday, there were several waves of people replying all to say they received the email in error, or asking to be removed from the list, or asking everyone to please stop replying to all.

      I came in after the holiday and had over 1000 emails in my inbox.

    4. sheworkshardforthemoney*

      Years ago I worked for a federal govt. department that had offices in every country. We went through several versions of email trying to get a universal one that worked for everyone, everywhere. One thing that was removed was the reply all function after someone sent a world-wide email trying to sell his car.

    5. JokersandRogues*

      Oh, we had one of those. I’m fairly certain that there were some people provoking another round on purpose whenever it slowed down. I especially love the people Reply All saying Don’t Reply All you’re making it worse!
      And the argumentative guy that asked what mailing list the people thought they were on that they needed to be removed from? Couldn’t they see it was an accident?

      We had a tally on a board going as to types and periodic arguments about how to classify a new one, and an occasional whoop of “New one!”

      Yeah.

  22. Bonnie*

    Not exactly an email or memo, but a VP at a very toxic environment would walk around the office at 8:25 or so, see who still hadn’t showed up for 8:30 start time, write their names down, tape it to the front door and lock the front door. You had to be let in and chastised for being >1 minute late. In the DC/NOVA area where traffic is an unpredictable nightmare. I was so close to turning around, getting back in my car, and never returning. And I made it in before he locked the doors.

    2. MLB*

      Wow that’s obnoxious. I used to work in Bethesda and drove in from northern Baltimore County. My boss lived in Howard County and took a similar route (mine was just longer) and I didn’t even bother to call him to let him know I was going to be late, because I knew he was stuck in the same mess that I was.

      1. you don't know me*

        I once had an employee text me to tell me he would be late because the subway car he was on hadn’t moved in 15 minutes. Well, neither had mine. Turns out we were in the same subway car, just on opposite ends!

    3. Kat in VA*

      I’m in the DC/NoVA area. A simple drive from the roughly Manassas area to Herndon could take…oh…anywhere from 40 minutes to 90 minutes. I could get to work 20 minutes early or 30 minutes late. Fortunately, my boss was coming from Frederick and was understanding.

    4. Ali G*

      My last job was on the Red Line, but live in NOVA and drove in. I always knew there was an issue with metro when 9:30 am would roll around and like half the staff still weren’t in. No one, unless they had a meeting they were missing, even bothered to call in late. It’s kind of obvious what is going on!

    5. Emmy Rae*

      Yikes! I worked at a place where the manager’s office had walls but no ceiling. Next to his office was the time punch. I was late a few times a week (I was young! I’ve changed) and when I punched in he would shout over the wall, “Is that you, Emmy Rae? You’re late!”

      There were enough other employees that it was embarrassing that he knew who it was.

  23. DataGirl*

    Before I interviewed at a particular job, a company wide email went out from an anonymous source in the middle of the night (I’m guessing someone made a dummy yahoo account or something and copied everyone’s work addresses in) bashing a particular employee, calling him all sorts of derogatory and 4 letter names. I came in that morning for an interview to be grilled about whether I had been on the company website or staff directory that night. I had not and of course I was very confused, turned out they were trying to determine if I might have sent the email. About a person I had never met. To a bunch of people I had never met, at a place I was interviewing. I can only shake my head. I’m not sure if they ever found out who did it, but I heard someone got fired not longer after (a friend worked their and had given me the recommendation) so something must have shaken loose.

      1. DataGirl*

        I can be kinda dense and I didn’t know what had happened at the time so I just thought they were really weird. It wasn’t until later that I put it all together.

    3. Hmmmmm*

      That must be an insane place to work, they’re so convinced of their own perfection that they assume the random person interviewing must be the toxic one, not anyone at *their wonderful company!*

      1. CM*

        Yes, that’s a really weird thing to pin on a candidate for a job who they haven’t even met yet. I think this is an instance of “bullet dodged” (assuming you didn’t go back and work for them later).

    4. lyonite*

      I wonder if they didn’t think it was you, but they could see the location from where someone had accessed the website and were trying to narrow it down. Like, you might have had a legit reason to be looking people up, so a hit from your area would have been off the list. (Or they were crazy. Always a possibility.)

  24. Doug Judy*

    I don’t have it anymore but there was a company wide email sent because someone stole a dozen uncooked eggs from one of the office refrigerators. She said she didn’t have $1 to buy more eggs until payday and would like them back, with a steak.

    1. OhNo*

      One wonders if the person thought they were hard-boiled and didn’t realize their mistake until they’d cracked one open.

      Although if she was going to ask for them back with a steak, why not go hog-wild and go for a full four-course meal?

      1. Robot Cowboy*

        I have made this mistake with eggs in my own fridge and it’s annoying. I’ve taken to spinning the eggs to check them if I’m even slightly confused about which I’ve grabbed.

      2. Totally Minnie*

        This is why my hard-boiled eggs live in a plastic container with a lid and not in an egg carton.

      1. Just Employed Here*

        Well, the rate is higher because the eggs were stolen, not legitimately borrowed.

    4. JanetM*

      Department wide, rather than company wide:

      “To the person who brought in the frozen chicken dinner — I accidentally ate it, thinking it was my frozen turkey dinner of the same brand. You are welcome to my turkey, or I will reimburse you for the chicken, whichever you prefer.”

  25. Etak*

    The morning of an important all staff event at the college I worked at as a tour guide, a fellow tour guide decided to quit by emailing the entire office. He had a flair for the dramatics and apparently felt offended that a few weeks prior someone had mentioned his behavior to our boss. The email itself was over the top and chock full of language implying he was mortally offended, but the timing of the email was really spectacular. We were all sitting in one room during the morning briefing when suddenly you saw more and more people looking down at their phones and nudging their neighbors. He also included some allegations that the bosses were ignoring coworkers complaints and implied everyone felt the same as him. This meant that during the busiest day of the year, the boss also had to pull people out of programming 3 or 4 at a time to come to down to her office so she could basically say “I hope that you don’t feel as though we’re not listening to you, if you have workplace complaints or issues, here’s how you can reach out to HR, without any sort of repercussions. Please let us know of any issues, rather than emailing the whole staff”. I worked there 3 more years and that email entered a sort of infamy, with people bringing it up annually during that event.

  26. Anon for this*

    One of my coworkers was sent to do an urgent task first thing in the shift, only to find that the last person who did the task left the equipment in bad shape, so he had to spend 15-20 minutes setting up the equipment before he could start the task. We’re supposed to make sure the equipment is left in a ready-to-use condition, so the way my coworker found it is considered very rude and inconsiderate. He wasn’t sure who was the last person to use the equipment, so he sent out an e-mail to the entire department describing what happened, followed by:

    “It is just plain SORRY to set up the next person like this. It is a shame good oxygen from this earth gets used up by an individual who would do that.”

    2. ThatAspie*

      Wow. Well, I suppose it does make some sense! I know I’m not cool with people leaving the equipment at my job all messed up. Like, this one time, someone freaking HID some things that are required for everyone to use at some point or other – and it was my turn to do this Very Important Task With Very Special Equipment. Not cool. Eventually, I found the dang things, thank goodness, but I ended up having to rush through the task because of all the time I wasted looking for the freaking equipment that someone, somewhere, somehow, for some unknown reason, stuffed behind a freaking chair!!!

  27. Dust Bunny*

    My workplace doens’t do this, they just hit you with a “mandatory all-staff meeting” email. They don’t abuse it–these are rare and they never use them to put people on the spot, but every time they do this we all quietly freak out. The ones I remember were:

    1) In 2008, to let everyone know there would be a hiring and wage freeze for awhile but nobody was getting laid off.
    2) A couple of years ago when our executive director was fired basically for neglecting us as an institution. He was there. That was the most awkward meeting I’ve ever attended.
    3) This past spring when one of our staff died suddenly. I wasn’t at that one because I had a client, but I’m told it was pretty emotional.

    Otherwise, it’s mostly letting people know there are leftover cookies in the staff lounge or something. Officewide memos are always either catastrophe or free food.

    1. WishIStillHadThatVoicemail*

      OOF nothing like that wave of adrenaline when you see “mandatory all-staff meeting” without any context pop up in your inbox.

      1. JustaTech*

        I had one of those at my first tech job; mandatory all staff meeting where we were told we were all (temps like myself included) getting a thousand dollar bonus!

        After I asked my coworkers why they had been so nervous. “Oh, at so-and-so company when they did that 3 months ago they fired everyone.” “Oh yeah, and remember when Blah corp took everyone to lunch while the padlocked the doors shut?”

        Up to that moment I had no idea this was even an option.

        1. Confessions of a Shakespearean Drama Queen*

          Wait, what? They locked the doors???? Of the lunch place or the office?

          1. JustaTech*

            Of the office. Everyone was told to take their coat and purse/bag/car keys and when they came back the whole office building had been locked up. The contents of their desks (personal affects only) were mailed to them the next week.
            It was a lab so I guess if someone had been really mad they could have done a lot of damage.

        2. Autumnheart*

          I still get that adrenaline spike and I’ve been at my current job for 14 years. *knock wood*

          Another one is a Friday afternoon meeting with your manager without context.

          1. PSB*

            I once received a short-notice invite to a meeting with my grandboss. It was supposedly a follow up to a meeting we’d had earlier in the day about a project I was working on, but the meeting was scheduled for 5:00 and our HR rep was also invited. That one turned out to be *exactly* what I thought it was.

            1. Charlotte*

              When my husband’s old job did this, they scheduled them all for 20 mins. Normal meetings are not for 20 mins. His was at 4:00 pm, so we had a lot of waiting for the details but knew what was happening generally much earlier.

          2. ThatAspie*

            Friday afternoon meetings can be very good. Yesterday I had a good one in which I was trained on an awesome new task! And then I got to do the awesome task! :D

      2. Judy (since 2010)*

        Especially when it’s an “mandatory all-staff meeting” scheduled 10 minutes from the time you’re notified. Those never end well.

    2. Ali G*

      The ED found out he was being fired during an all staff meeting? The mortifying!! Did they escort him out or what?

    3. Shark Lady*

      We get a meeting request sent out right at the end of the day (after most people have gone home), inviting the entire department to a meeting at 9.30 the next morning.

      You get one of those, someone’s getting made redundant. It’s just a matter of waiting to find out who.

      1. Editrixie*

        Yep. At my favorite job ever, the only mandatory all-staff meeting during my time there was to inform us that our little magazine had been bought by a corporate behemoth. The publisher cried when she told us; she knew how it was going to go. And the very day Behemoth International took over, they laid off two-thirds of the staff right away, while conditioning severance for most of the rest of us on staying until they got around to eliminating our jobs too. (The magazine folded 18 months later.)

        So yeah, “mandatory company-wide meeting” does get the heart racing a bit.

    4. Cassandra Lease*

      Oooooof. I started my current career in software at a game company, and went on to work for a second game company before I left the game industry for jobs that paid better and still offer more security. We had company meetings scheduled months in advance, which were generally standard business or even good news, and then we had the unexpected Mandatory All-Staff Meeting, which was almost always layoffs. Never got padlocked out of an office while I was out at lunch, but honestly layoffs are never fun even if they let you fetch your stuff and leave with dignity, or even if you’re not among those getting laid off.

      In every subsequent software job I’ve had, I’ve gotten visibly nervous when a mandatory all-staff meeting is called on short notice, and the people who haven’t been in the game industry or worked for shadier tech companies NEVER understand why. One time I built a whole QA team for a startup out of former colleagues from gaming companies, and management was very bemused when we started asking them to please give us some sense of what abrupt all-hands meetings were about.

    6. GG Two shoes*

      OMG yes. We never have mandatory all staff meetings except the scheduled ones once a month. Until a few months ago. None of us could stop talking about what it was going to be. Good? Bad? did someone die?

      Turns out we are going from casual Fridays to casual all week.

      I thought I was going to have a heart attack.

      1. zora*

        Oh no, that is almost cruel!! Why couldn’t they just hold that announcement for the next monthly meeting? That is nuts.

    7. starsaphire*

      This happened to a former roommate, not to me, so I sadly don’t have any details, but…

      Small company – about 20 people. Two of the middle managers were in a relationship.

      One day there was an unannounced mandatory all-staff meeting, in which everyone got pulled into the conference room. Everyone, that is, except the couple, and the person who was busy firing them. There was no one leading the ‘meeting,’ but they were all asked not to leave until the all-clear was given.

      There were the usual rumors (fiscal malfeasance, etc., etc.) but I have zero information on what *actually* happened.

  28. Student of Professor Goodnews*

    From law school, not work: My first year of law school we had a class in legal research and writing that was not graded. We met once a week as the entire section (100+ students) with a professor, and in small groups with upper level students for the actual learning. Professor Goodnews regularly showed up stoned for the sessions he “taught” and there was no real teaching happening. Midway through the semester, he tearfully asks us for feedback. Well, the class wasn’t graded and I was fed up, so I emailed him a very rational rant. No problem there. Well, he responded to me. AND TO THE ENTIRE SECTION. Including the text of my email. This was almost 20 years ago so I don’t remember the details, but I do remember people in my section who I didn’t know congratulating me on what I’d written. Yikes!

    1. thankfully graduated long ago*

      Oh man, something similar happened when I was in college with a very different ending. A student in my small department who was notoriously awful to share classes with (she would say things about the text that were very off base and be bull-headed about it for the rest of class, not letting the conversation move on, etc) had an ongoing standoff with one of the professors. Now, this professor was fairly tough herself and not necessarily beloved, but you knew what you were getting into with her. None of her rules were a surprise.

      The end of the year comes and Difficult Student hands in her paper late in some way (which was Not Done in this professor’s class, but also Very Clearly Stated) and is completely shocked when it’s not accepted (despite having no extenuating circumstances). So she sends an email to the entire class to rally them around her, outlining all the ways in which this professor was unfair, demanding support in getting a second chance to hand the paper in, etc etc. She was very surprised that no one spoke up in her favor after getting all their work in on time…

      1. VioletCrumble*

        I had an amusing email “exchange” in College with a Prof. Basically she sent out a class wide email stating that an on-campus event the next day was mandatory and non-attendance would affect our grade. The class met on Tues/Thurs and the event was on a Weds. I worked my way through college; going to school Tuesday & Thursday and working the rest of the week so I replied telling her that it wasn’t possible for me to attend as I had to work. She replied, copying in not only our class but students in the whole college, stating that basically that my priorities were messed up and that in not putting school first meant that I was an automatic failure and she wouldn’t make an exception. My reply?
        Dear Dr So&So:
        I’d be more than happy to put school first if you’d agree to put a roof over my head and food on my table; pay my tuition and books, etc etc…..
        Boy did she back down…
        Some people….

  29. Reply-to-all Fails*

    Context: There was a change in our insurance coverage for certain very $$ drugs. Reasonably employees were upset. Drugs that were formally covered my not be now.. there were a number of ‘reply to all’s’ on the topic. The HR director did not take it well.

    From the HR director:
    “All right – I understand there are questions regarding the benefit program. PLEASE STOP SENDING THE EMAILS TO EVERYONE. And yes, I am yelling. If you have questions or concerns, please send an email to {HR Rep} and copy me. {HR Rep} and I will work with the appropriate people to answer your questions.”

    Response from another employee:
    “Sorry, I am going to reply all.
    Point one. I do not respond well to being yelled at. Completely uncalled for, in my opinion. Especially in my place of work.”

    Was quite a day!

    1. Evil HR Person*

      So unprofessional from an HR Director. Yes, you send out a quick email to all reminding them that help is at hand, no you don’t send out an email chastising people at all, let alone *everyone*. SMH…

      Once in a while I wonder if I’m being professional in my HR duties, then I read things like these and I’m like, “I’m good!”

      1. ThatAspie*

        I’m not in HR, but I do sometimes worry if I’m doing this whole working thing right, and then I see things here about what other people did at work, and I feel better about myself instantly!

  30. Advertising Anon*

    Unintended all-staff from one of the owners of a small advertising agency. Intended only for the other owner but sent to everyone.

    “In jail. Getting out soon. Don’t tell anyone.”

    The two owners tried to play it off as a joke but we all knew it was true because one staffer saw the arrest (too many traffic violations, not murder or anything). It was pretty much the best day ever in that very disfunctional place. I still laugh thinking about it and the office gossip aftermath.

      1. fposte*

        It would have been beautiful if everybody had individually replied to the list “I won’t.”

    11. Zaphod Beeblebrox*

      Reminds me of one of my colleagues doing jury service. We wanted her to put on her out of office:

      “I am appearing at X Crown Court on Monday – not sure when I’ll be back.”.

      She didn’t.

  31. Farewell Email Hall of Fame*

    Context: This was a farewell email sent to the entire Board of Directors and the non profit’s membership/client email list…without the Director’s permission/knowledge. It’s just so…over the top. And also, again, sent to the ENTIRE mailing list.

    Friends,

    It is with uncommonly bittersweet emotion that I let you know today is my last day at [Company]. I have been blessed to love every day of my time here, which is no empty exaggeration and is thanks to the privilege of working with each of you. It is hard for me to believe that I have been with the organization just shy of seven years now, since I was a second-year [redacted] student. The weeks and months have passed at such a rapid clip because I have learned something new from you each day – whether about the arts, the law, [our] clients, or myself.

    Whether we have met at [Company’s] office or at pro bono events, through our [redacted] program or [redacted] mediation and negotiation services, or at a [Company] educational program or volunteer orientation session, it has been a pleasure working with you. While I have enjoyed the wide range of professional experiences I’ve been fortunate to be a part of during my time here, I have particularly cherished my private consultations with you (nearly 800 of them in the past five years!) at our shared home at [Company Address]. As a lover of the arts (particularly music and the visual arts) from as early as I can recall, the level of one-on-one interaction with diversely talented artists and entertainers has been a dream come true.

    So to our clients: Thank you for entrusting [Company’s] staff and volunteers with your legal concerns. We are here to serve you and it is really our privilege. I have not ceased to be amazed by your creativity and integrity, your passion and drive, and your love for your craft.

    To our Board of Directors: Thank you for your direction and devotion.

    And to our volunteers and supporters: [Company] would quite simply not exist without you. Whether you donate to [Company] at any level, attend our workshops or benefits, or assist one client per year (or half a dozen clients per year, as so many of you graciously do), you are the “[Redacted]” [and part of the “[Redacted]”] in “[Company]”. Our clients NEED your services and expertise in order to protect their rights and achieve their goals. And they rely on your genuine interest in helping them address their business and legal needs. (More often than not, they’d rather just be creating art!) So while it may be their vision and their creativity that has laid the foundation for the unparalleled arts and cultural landscape that permeates [Redacted State] and has grown so central to the identity of [Redacted City] in particular, it has been your skills and services that have enabled that for over [Redacted] decades now. If not for your help, [Company] clients might not have had the chance to exhibit their work in [Redacted], [Redacted], or [Redacted]; to act, sing, or dance on [Redacted]; to open their fashion and design studios; to produce their own albums, films, or literary works. Their endeavors would not be pursued as successfully or as carefully – and, often times, they would not be pursued at all. Thank you for helping our clients to attain new personal and professional heights. They are more grateful than you know.

    I feel at peace in the knowledge that I have lived and breathed “all things [Company]” as much as I could during my time here. I have maintained a daily yet modest flush of pride to serve in an important role for a non-profit organization with such a worthwhile mission. I will always be a fervent champion of [Company]. As sad as I am to be moving on, I am very excited for the opportunity that awaits me, and I am eager to keep in touch to learn about those that await you. Please reach out anytime at [personal email redacted] and I hope to see you again soon. I’m glad to report I’ll be remaining nearby.

    Until then, I hope you and yours are faring well in the aftermath of [Redacted] (please be in touch if you are not and if you need anything), and best wishes for a happy holiday season.

    Sincerely,
    [Employee]

    1. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain*

      Wow. That’s an Oscar-worthy speech. I think it needs a John Williams soundtrack.

        1. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain*

          For this masterpiece of Theatre, he must come out of retirement posthaste!

    3. MLB*

      Currently I work for a very small company that was bought by a larger company. Outside of maybe 5 people at the larger company that I’ve interacted with I don’t know anyone at the larger company. Why people, when leaving, feel the need to email the ENTIRE company is beyond me. Unless they’re super high up and well known, it’s unnecessary and obnoxious. I don’t know you, and unless it’s going to affect me personally, I don’t care.

      1. Farewell Email Hall of Fame*

        Yes, that’s bad enough, but this was also to the non profit’s entire external mailing list. So imagine at your company, emailing the entire company, its Board/Shareholders, PLUS every person you had ever done business with and/or had bought your product. The mind boggles.

    4. Kelsi*

      I mean, it’s silly and over the top, but at least it was complimentary to the recipients and company! It could have been WAY worse.

      1. Farewell Email Hall of Fame*

        It was a very small non profit; there were, I think, about 5 full-time employees at that point. So this person’s title was “Director of XX” but everyone who worked there was a Director of whatever. The ED had spoken to this person about writing an email to the clients they worked with most closely — kind of an “I’m leaving; please contact ED in the interim.” When I got *this* I’d-Like-to-Thank-the-Academy email I was so confused and when I realized it went to the entire mailing list, I was like “Holy sh!t… I wonder if ED knew about this.” Turns out she didn’t. heh.

        The other odd thing, which you can see in their email, is that they were real cagey about where they were going. They wouldn’t tell us, just that it was somewhere “nearby.”

        This person was just so…I don’t know how to describe it. Self-important but in a nondescript sort of way. At first I thought they were a normal, nice person; but the longer I worked there I realized they had an unusually high opinion of themselves. A clandestine douchebag. It’s hard to explain, but having the chutzpah to email a multi-paragraph, overly effusive farewell to the full Board and all the clients and members still blows my mind. (This was about 5 years ago.) I can imagine this person working on this email for hours (probably during business hours) to get every word just right.

        When I left I asked the ED if I could email roughly five Board members who sat on the Committee I worked most closely with and it was about three sentences: I’m leaving; thanks for the opportunity; here’s my email if you want to keep in touch. –>

        1. Observer*

          Your description of the person who wrote this rings very true.

          What was the big event that had an “aftermath”? Or was that just him misusing big words that “make me sound important”?

          1. Farewell Email Hall of Fame*

            It was a large natural disaster, the type of which is very uncommon to our area. There are still people and city agencies rebuilding/recovering from it. The other thing about that and the email is that it was sent to literally thousands of people. Maybe people who came to the office once or took one class who knows how many years before that email was sent. And this person is writing “please be in touch if you need anything.” Come on!

    6. Jaydee*

      Wow! And that wasn’t the retirement email from a person who had worked there for decades? It was an email from an employee who had worked there for 6 years and stared as a student (so, I’m assuming a year or two part-time as an intern and then 4-5 years in a professional capacity)?

      Also, this employee espouses a particular love for music and visual arts, but I really think this masterpiece calls for the stage.

    7. CS Rep By Day, Writer By Night*

      This seems really over the top for someone who was only at the company for 7 years. It sounds like the retirement speech of a 40-year veteran.

    8. Traffic_Spiral*

      Wow. I think I need to pull out my lighter and start playing that Vitamin C graduation song.

    9. a*

      No better place to put this farewell letter from our trainer, who fancied himself a great writer and well-loved trainer:

      Dear colleagues and friends,

      {Redacted} once told me that the only reason to retire was when the job was no longer fun. Training is still enjoyable, but I have grown weary of the rest. So I am retiring as of November 30. I did have a great deal of fun along the way, and you are the main reason why. I think there will be some kind of farewell and good riddance celebration to mark the occasion early in 2008, but I know some of you, hell, maybe all of you, will not be able or even want to attend. So I wanted to express my thanks to you all for putting up with me and refraining from pushing pins in a voodoo doll once training was completed. Come to think it, not all of you did finish. Oh, well. Since this is written for only those who remain with {Redacted agency} and were assigned to me for training regardless of time or layers in between, I didn’t want to leave without telling you what marvelous and special people you are, especially to me. Twenty-seven others started with me and have since departed, most by their choice, some by mine. You who are still here have my respect and admiration, and each of you has managed to earn a special place in my heart. I guess that is the hidden cost of being a trainer, that caring about how well you did in training meant I couldn’t help caring about you as individuals. And I still do. I will never forget you, unless I get to the point that I forget everything. Saying goodbye to many of you was hard the first time, and it is no easier the second time around.

      There is little doubt that you are reason why this place still works in spite of everything else that is done to make the job more difficult, sometimes bordering on impossible. You pursue, you persevere, you do it right, most of the time anyway, and you make me so damn proud at times that I nearly burst. We are fed a steady diet about the importance of {Redacted agency} family, but, sadly, I’ve discovered most of it is crap. But being in the {Redacted} section comes about as close to family as any organization gets. Even those who deserted the section to become pointy hair managers are doing great, well, for the most part. And that is something you did on your own. My goal was to start you off, to shore up some parts or to give you something new to think about, sometimes beyond {Redacted job}. From then I could only root for you from the sidelines, and that I did. You had the hard part of finishing the job and you did that incredibly well. Nothing reflects the true meaning of character better than that.

      One of the most touching moments of the last 25 years happened when I went to {Redacted colleague}’s funeral. I was introduced to {Redacted colleague}’s mother as the man who trained her son to do {Redacted job}. She smiled sweetly at me and said that I must have done a very good job. While training {Redacted colleague} was not the easiest thing I’ve ever done, I think maybe I did do a good job with him, and we were all the richer for it. If the measurement of well I have done is based upon what you have become, then I leave you all extremely gratified as well as proud. You have made me look good.

      I leave knowing that our training program is second to none as is the section as a whole. If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, I must have done something right. I must compliment Command for doing at least one thing with remarkable insight in hiring {Redacted colleague} before I retired so that we could work together for the past four years. I treasure that time, and training is in excellent hands. She, too, is learning what I did, that this position is the greatest job in the world, getting to meet and then to know people like you. I am honored to have been part of that.

      I’m not quite sure what I will do when I no longer wake up to the alarm, except I plan to take the month of December off. I want to write a book about training, and I intend to illustrate my points with real stories. You have provided me with so many, although some might have to be toned down a bit – fingers super glued to counters, exploding ammunition, self inflicted eye wounds, broken canes, something almost unnatural concerning pink sheep, scores of pink flamingos, run over cows, flashy boxer shorts, a cute trooperet on my lap, a pickpocket putting money in rather than out, a trainee from hell, clowns, tattoos, seven swans a’swimming and the characters from the Wizard of Oz coming to life. I will also probably hang out my shingle for {Redacted} work in my desire to keep things honest. If you go to {Redacted} one day and see me at {Redacted}, just wave, smile and start to sweat.

      So, stay well, be happy and keep at it. The road looks a little bumpy ahead, but you can handle it. Thanks again for many years of joy and fulfillment. And please remember what I tried to teach you – the secret to survival in this crazy business is irreverence without disrespect. Life, your career, your important place in this cumbersome and frustrating profession is serious, but never that serious. Bless you all and enjoy whatever is most precious.

      {Redacted trainer}

      1. Mel*

        OMG This reminds me of the rambling unprepared speech the prior president of a volunteer organization I’m in gave. They realized they wouldn’t be reelected and stood down, but it was crazy that they rambled for 5-10 minutes about how they’d personally be fine.

  32. WishIStillHadThatVoicemail*

    This was not a ranty or even inappropriate all-staff communication, but just delightfully odd: At a former job in a large company, someone in IT was testing the new voicemail system that would allow us to listen to our voicemails as files stored in our emails, better facilitating the ability to check messages while away from the office.

    Rather than sending an all-staff voicemail to test the system with a recording of “This is a test” or perhaps pressing a few buttons during the message, the person just said “Booooooop” into the phone and hung up without any context.

    For my remaining years at that job, my coworkers and I would randomly forward that voicemail/email to each other, and even took to signing off our messages with our own vocalized “booooooop”s.

    6. Kelsi*

      Look, sometimes we get bored with testing things!

      Once upon a time, years ago, I was testing a form that let people register for classes at my agency. At first, I was just putting in names like Test Person or Jane Doe or whatever, but that got boring and I had to test a LOT of stuff. So I started putting in slightly sillier things, like Strawberry Shortcake or John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt or MACK THE KNIFE (in all caps because I was literally too lazy to turn caplock off).

      So, the next day, most of the stuff that needed tweaking has been fixed. I need to do a few more tests to make sure everything’s working. Being lazy (again), I just use autocomplete and choose a random name from the list of what I did yesterday, not paying attention that the first name and last name match. It’s just a test, no one’s going to see it but me!

      What I didn’t know was that my boss, thinking I was done testing, had gone in and turned on the setting that means she gets emailed every time someone registers. And so she gets an email saying that someone named “Barney THE KNIFE” has just registered for our training about Child and Infant CPR.

      …Whoops.

      1. EvilQueenRegina*

        At a temp job I had once, people had added these dummy names to a spreadsheet for training purposes. That spreadsheet got used for a mail merge with the daft names still on there. Some guy rang up the next week asking why he was sent a mail shot addressed to George Clooney.

        1. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain*

          Back when I worked in printing we had real customers from all over the US with either celebrity or well known fictional names. I spoke to these people — they weren’t dummy names. Among my favorites were Leroy Brown (whose email address was badbadleroybrown@emailaddress.com and he had a really good sense of humor about it), Diana Ross, King Kong (not making that up…really) and my all-time favorite Jean Poole; I hope she married into that name and wasn’t named that at birth. I also had a client that was Ramon “From Las Vegas” because that’s how he always introduced himself on the phone. I don’t remember his real last name, but more than a decade later, I remember Ramon From Las Vegas.

            1. Whit in Ohio*

              There is an actual Captain James Kirk in the US Navy. Appropriatly enough, he commands an experimental ship that looks like an Imperial Star Destroyer.

            2. Temporary Anon*

              As a volunteer I processed a political party survey from a Philip Oakey in Sheffield. I’m pretty sure it was actually the man himself.

          2. EvilQueenRegina*

            With the George Clooney mailshot, someone (who hadn’t been in that training) had spotted that name before it went out, but had wondered whether there really was an intended recipient called George Clooney, had asked someone else about it and just been told to send it.

      2. listserv librarian*

        I made a training for a health & safety thing where one of the registrants was Dr. Henry Jones. I really hope, in hindsight, that I signed him up for Wilderness First Aid.

      3. Essess*

        On one of our systems we were writing and testing, my coworker used Iron Chef names for the test users. We opened the system up to a small group of users to test before it went live and told them to use those test user names. One of the people filed an official complaint to our director saying that we should be disciplined for using swear words in our user names. (Katsuya Fukushima)

      4. Anonny*

        He took his wife’s name when he married, it’s not indicative of his skills or temperament!

      5. Kj*

        When being trained on new medical software, we all had to make up clients. My coworkers being who they were, we had a Bruce Wayne, Bojack Horseman and Katniss Everden in our systems for years….. We had fun modifying their diagnoses as well.

        1. umrguy42*

          I’ve done testing of various medical systems as part of my job over the years. One was a multi-patient vitals display, and at various times I’d use TV names, video game character names, etc. (I’d try to stick with the same theme each time.)

          For a different system that I tested multiple versions of, my test executions showed attending, ordering, etc. physicians of Dr. Benjamin F. Pierce, Dr. BJ Hunnicutt, Dr. Sherman T. Potter, and Dr. Charles E. Winchester III in various places being tested…

      7. Former call centre worker*

        I was doing some testing of a new customer records system a few years ago and obviously we were making up customers with silly names (Colonel Mustard, Ronald McDonald, maybe IP Freely etc, but nothing inappropriate for work). However some of the developers or possibly other testers had other ideas as there were some names in there that were considerably more offensive. For example someone had made an account in the name of a celebrity who’d recently been convicted of child molestation offences! The rest of the afternoon was spent going through the database on the lookout for anything in need of deletion

      8. SleepyKitten*

        One of my friends works in an office where the devs are clearly having some fun. One system has the “are you aware you are a cat” meme as a loading screen, and a customer called Dr C. Ats who somehow opens loads of cat pictures if you try to access him.

    8. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain*

      After reading about 300 of these responses, I’ve returned to say that this is one of my favorite so far. It’s just so innocent and happy.

  33. LADY GLITTER SPARKLES*

    Where do I submit? I have some emails from 2015-2016 that I saved for a reason. Even though I am no longer at the company, I use it as a reminder that I don’t ever want to go back to a toxic work environment again. I was always the target because I was “admin” and I love to submit them.

      1. LADY GLITTER SPARKLES*

        Let me see if I can copy and paste from the PDF and change out the names. I use to be worried about posting them but at this point, I don’t even care! LOL!

      1. LADY GLITTER SPARKLES*

        I posted one down further below! I will post more when I get a free moment and I will post them here. I have a raging email about the AC thermostat.

  34. samiratou*

    I wasn’t able to find the actual email, alas, but we had a sales rep many years ago send a middle-of-the-night drunken email to the entire company talking about how awful her boss was and how awful the company was, etc. etc. I wish I could find the email as I remember the language being rather dramatic. I don’t know if she had been fired or was planning to quit or what, but we didn’t hear anything from her after that.

    Except for the recall notices that started arriving around 11am that morning (her team was in a location a couple time zones behind the main office). Sorry, sweetheart, but that ship had well & truly sailed.

    1. Let's Talk About Splett*

      You reminded me of one!

      Background: I worked at a media company in a part of downtown that had tons of the of trendy bars and nightclubs, lots of great happy hour spots a stone’s throw away.

      Our receptionist was right out of Central Casting for a Manic Pixie Dream Girl. While I was working there she turned 21 and on her birthday some people took her out to lunch and then out to Happy Hour. Well, apparently she stayed downtown til bar close and came back to the office to get her stuff.

      I know because she drunk-emailed the whole company (we had a few offices spread across the country, so there were about 200 people on the email that had never met her)from her desk between 2 & 3AM gushing about how it was the bestest 21st birthday ever & thanking everyone for lunch & happy hour.

      The next day her keycard access to the building was changed from 6:00AM – 6:00PM, Monday – Friday.

  35. reply to all fail*

    We received a company wide email about a new HR initiative. One of my colleagues apparently took issue with the icon they chose to include with the email and replied to the whole company with a multi-paragraph tirade about how there’s not much hope for us because using this icon in a communication shows that all we care about is money. I read it over and over and it was priceless – wish I still had it – to this day I’m still not sure why he felt compelled to write an essay about how greedy all 1000 of his colleagues are. Over the use of a graphic that no one even noticed.

  36. Foooooooorkssssss*

    We used to get all office emails asking where all the forks went.

    There were maybe a dozen in the kitchen so they scattered after awhile.

    Instead of going to goodwill and buying more with their company card (within their job duties to get any supplies as needed) they would just send out these obnoxious emails about where they all went.

    1. NapaKat*

      We have 30 ish forks in our department kitchen – which randomly disappear for a week at a time. Then randomly reappear. No mass emails, but certainly the only thing anyone in the kitchen talks about during the week.

      1. Bea*

        I’m now in a lovely spot with endless forks.

        But if folks have take out. Sometimes you toss the fork in there and throw it in the fridge. Then three days later you go “crap…didn’t finish this…oh and a fork!!” so the fork gets put in the washer and leftovers trashed.

      2. Indoor Cat*

        The re-appearing forks reminds me of a funny thing that happened at a church I used to go to. A secretary at the front desk in the lobby got annoyed that people kept walking off with her pens, so she printed a jar label reading: “THOU SHALT NOT STEAL (Exodus 20:15).” The funny part is, not only did it work, it worked too well! People who had walked off with pens from other random places started guiltily leaving them in her pen jar. It literally became so stuffed with pens that people started leaving pens *next* to the jar.

      3. Chinookwind*

        “We have 30 ish forks in our department kitchen – which randomly disappear for a week at a time. Then randomly reappear.”

        Sounds like you were visited by the fork gnomes, close relatives of the cup gnomes that visited the office where I was receptionist. Whenever all our coffee cups went missing, I would be tasked by my boss to send everyone a reminder to search out the various stash sites used by these hoarding creatures. I even added a picture or two of the wee culprits.

        I believe these emails worked in flushing out these gnomes and their stashes as the cups were usually returned within a day or two and don’t go missing for at least 6 months after that.

        1. Celina Knippling*

          My house has been invaded by a fork virus. I currently am looking at a cutlery drawer with five forks, 60 spoons and 60 knives. I obviously know what this means – I’m no fool: my forks are devolving into knives and spoons over time.

          1. Qosanchia*

            I love telling the story of “The Time With No Forks.” At one of the college roommate situations I passed through, we had 4 approximate adults living in a somewhat oversized house. The number of available forks dwindled and dwindled until at one point there were maybe 3 forks left in the kitchen, and we all silently agreed that these were For Company. Fortunately, I had raided my dad’s stock of chopsticks, so we all got really good at using those.

            Until Roommate S’s girlfriend decided to clean his room, and miraculously, all of the missing dishes re-appeared! Mountains of forks! Rivers of plates! I went a little crazy, and I think started using extra forks, just because I could.
            I now know to periodically check with my roommates about things like forks and coffee mugs. Also, still pretty good with chopsticks, which comes in handy.

    2. Amber T*

      Forks always end up in the trash. I don’t remember if there’s been an email about forks, but dear god have I been a part of enough conversations about not throwing out the forks!

    4. JustaTech*

      As someone who nearly got dragged up before the college disciplinary board for sending a (polite) email requesting that forks be returned to the student kitchen, I have a lot of feelings about this.
      (The trouble wasn’t the forks per se, it was that someone in a bad mood decided that I was trying to evade a rule about if an email is sent to more than half the student body it had to be reviewed. The student head of the disciplinary board’s response was to roll their eyes and say “I am talking to you about this.”)

      1. Drew*

        I once sent a somewhat snarky reply to a customer who was once again trying to scam us out of free stuff. Said customer emailed my boss in high dudgeon, and boss said, “Thank you for your note. I will remind Drew of the appropriate tone to use in customer communications.” He then walked over to my desk and said, “Drew, that was the appropriate tone for that customer communication. Good chat.”

        1. Jadelyn*

          There’s a scene in Babylon 5 that’s like that, and it is one of my favorite scenes in that show.

          Capt. John Sheridan: Commander, did you threaten to grab a hold of this man by the collar and throw him out an airlock?
          Cmdr. Susan Ivanova: Yes I did.
          Capt. John Sheridan: I am shocked, shocked and dismayed. I’d remind you that we are short on supplies here. We can’t afford to take perfectly good clothing and throw it out into space. Always take the jacket off first! I’ve told you that before!
          [to Dan Randall]
          Capt. John Sheridan: Sorry, she meant to say stripped naked and thrown out an airlock. I apologize for any confusion this may have caused.

            1. Drew*

              To: All B5 personnel
              Fm: Ivanova, S (CDR)
              Re: Spoo

              Earlier today, I walked into C&C to find that someone has left a half-eaten bowl of spoo at the Captain’s desk. AGAIN.

              As the Captain is well known to be allergic to spoo, I can only conclude that we have a half-assed mutiny on our hands, if not an assassination attempt.

              You have all been warned about eating and drinking at your posts. I _will_ be conducting surprise inspections of all duty stations over the coming weeks, and anyone found to be in violation of this policy is subject to reprimand, demotion, or reassignment to the pak’ma’ra galley. Don’t test me on this.

              SI

              * * *

              To: All B5 personnel
              Fm: Ivanova, S (CDR)
              Re: Spoo

              It was Garibaldi. Never mind.

              3. Jadelyn*

                Aaaand, now my office-mate is looking at me funny because I couldn’t contain an extremely undignified snort of laughter at the end of that.

            2. Jadelyn*

              Suddenly I want a B5 recap or fic or something in the style of the Very Secret Diaries – the LOTR parody that I think initially went up on LJ (want to suddenly feel very old? Those started 15 years ago.) – but with B5 all-staff memos.

    5. Jadelyn*

      When we got low on forks, I’d stop at Walmart or Target and pick up those cheap bundles of forks that are like 5 for a dollar or whatever.

      After the third or fourth time of this in one year, I got on Amazon and ordered the ugliest, most obnoxious bulk silverware set I could find. Fire-engine red plastic handles that looked like a length of plastic rod got cut up without bothering to finish the ends, extremely cheap-looking metal for the functional bits. A year later, they’re all still in the kitchen. Amazing how that works.

      1. Jaid_Diah*

        My parents would be offended by your comments, except their silverware have handles that are a mix of green, pink, blue, and white. And maybe a BIT classier in the detailing. But not by much.
        :-)

    7. AnIllusion*

      This is clearly a thing in offices. To quote a recent all staff email:
      “…I never believed my mother that her terrible children were throwing away all of the forks. After working here for 2 years though, this now seems plausible. Please avoid throwing away silverware, and if you have any tucked away in your desk, please ensure it finds its way back to the kitchen.”

      1. FD*

        And at home too! My wife and I started with a matched set of four knives, forks, and spoons, and after three years, we had four knives, four spoons, and two forks.

        We figured we’d find them when we moved, but nope, they never re-materialized.

  37. Marty*

    Ummm… at a government-funded institution with nearly 5,000 staff? A “reply all” petition to rally up against the government, requiring the CEO to actually fly back from vacation and do damage control with government officials in-person. Never heard from that lower-level administration staff again…

  38. Persimmons*

    Several years ago at a job on the outskirts of a medium-sized city, I got a multi-department e-mail that was intended to alert staff to “an unexpected visitor”.

    I clicked into the e-mail and saw a rambling paragraph about “unanticipated events” and asking employees to ensure that they were prepared “if she were to return”. It was a pile of formal doublespeak about a vague female visitor, very much like how you’d imagine an uncomfortable great aunt taking to her niece about menstruating.

    There was an attached jpeg, so I wondered if this was a random celebrity sighting or local oddity. It was A FARKING BEAR. A gee-dee BEAR had wandered onto company property, and instead of telling people to go buy pepper spray or roller skates or body armor, they sent a coy Victorian e-mail asking us to pencil wildlife management into our Outlook calendars.

    The best part was the next morning, when our very favorite company Fergus replied all with “So, just to be clear, Bob [the picture taker] got close enough to confirm it was a girl?”

    4. Curious Cat*

      Ha! I, too, was at a company a few years back that got a bear wandering onto the grounds. The poor bear tried to take up home in a large tree. Animal control was called to take the bear safely back to the woods. Many staff emails were sent out about updates on what the bear was doing. It was a riveting work day!

      1. Aunt Vixen*

        On the off chance that neither of these bear stories is about NIH, look for Twitter user @NIH_bear at once.

    6. Quinley*

      Tangentially related: A guy that used to be in our groupchat messaged us one morning saying that a semi-truck carrying about a dozen goats had gotten into an accident (no person or goats injured) near where he worked, and that the back of the truck had tipped over, opening the gates, and letting all the goats out. They were able to round up all but one goat, a ram, who spent the next week just posted up in the parking lot. One day they were just watching the goat roam around the parking lot from their floor, and one of his coworkers goes, “Hey is that ‘Jim’?” and they look to see the safety coordinator, ‘Jim’, trying to lure the goat out of the parking lot, saying “Here goaty goaty goaty.”

      The goat was not feeling it, and proceeded to chase poor Jim around the parking lot for 10 minutes. The guy had sent us a picture of The G.O.A.T., and I wish I’d kept it because it looked like a cursed image.

    7. Jemima Bond*

      I just love the idea of responding to a bear-sighting by strapping on roller skates. There would definitely be Benny Hill music.

  39. Kathleen_A*

    OK, this one is going to sound calm and matter-of-fact, but trust me, the supervisor here is *ticked*. She wrote it in a sudden fit of temper. And yet, I’m not sure why because it’s about the dress code and – here’s the thing – none of the people who got this have flagrantly flouted the dress code, at least not as far as I know.

    Heading: Dress code reminder

    “It has come to my attention that perhaps we are seeing a little too much casual and a lot less business in what we are wearing to work this summer.

    “Let me say that this message is not directed to any one person, so you can stop second-guessing your wardrobe choices over the past couple of weeks. It’s just a reminder for all. We should look presentable when we come into work each morning.

    “Our dress code doesn’t change winter to summer. T-shirts are not acceptable at any time and skirts and dresses need to be of appropriate length.

    “Please just be mindful of the choices you make each day. I would really appreciate not having this conversation ever again.”

    So to summarize, we’re supposed to be mindful, but we’re not supposed to second-guess our wardrobe choices. And it’s not aimed at any one individual – except, presumably, the one who wore a skirt that’s too short or a shirt that looks too, you know, T-shirty. ::sigh::

    1. Whatnottowear*

      I got a great HR email about dress code once, complete with “what not to wear” photos and multiple coloured fonts for each bullet point, letting us know that “business casual does not equate “night club”, “Edgy”, “Bohemian”, “sporty”, “modern hippy”, or “casual”.” Included were instructions to keep our under-garments as “under” garments.

      Note that nowhere was a link included to an actual dress code or policy, as I don’t think a formal code exists.

      We are an office largely of youngish women, in a design industry, so this email got passed along to colleagues in other offices and ended up pretty notorious. That particular HR person was generally toxic and didn’t last long.

        1. Whatnottowear*

          Of the 35 photos with genders (clip art of outfits with no bodies, Chewbacca, a Storm Trooper???) 10 seem to be men, which is probably a decent ratio for this office?
          I wish I could include a screen cap.

    2. Dorothy Zbornak*

      Our summer office wear reminder this summer was “The idea is to be comfortable during the hot summer days, but not look like a contestant on Survivor.” I liked that.

      1. Drew*

        I taught summer school at my alma mater once. They had changed the dress code after my matriculation to feature this gem in the #1 slot: HAIRY ARMPITS SHALL NOT BE EXPOSED.

        It may be the best dress code clause ever: it goes right to the heart of what is not considered appropriate, it is gender neutral, and it invites no arguments over muscle shirts vs. tank tops vs. sleeveless dresses. And I’m pretty sure it was written in one of those hellish faculty meetings where everyone dances around what they’re really trying to say until the one-year-from-retirement-and-fed-up-with-your-nonsense math teacher cuts through the crap and gives them the precise wording they need.

        1. CM*

          That seems kind of sexist to me, though. I don’t mean to be all “not everybody can eat sandwiches” but it sounds like it’s requiring girls to shave in order to be socially acceptable. (Also inviting boys to shave in order to be allowed to wear muscle shirts.)

          1. Jadelyn*

            This. That’s one of those things that looks like a gender-neutral rule out of context, but in a social context where women are expected to shave nearly all body hair, I straight-up read this as saying women who wear sleeveless garments had better shave, which is wayyyy intrusive and body-policing to come from an employer. Just ban sleeveless stuff and be done with it.

            (I really hope there were guys who took advantage of this and shaved their pits en masse and wore muscle shirts until administration got the hint and changed the policy.)

            1. Drew*

              You know, I hadn’t thought about it that way, but you’re both right, although I suspect the problem was hygiene rather than appearance. Thank you for giving me something to consider.

              2. Kaysong*

                I’m a woman and I don’t shave my armpits. No one can tell when I wear sleeveless tops. But, I’m sure I’m just lucky with my genes. The hair is very minimal and blond.

                I don’t shave my legs either but I would never dare wear anything that showed my hairy legs.

          2. OhNo*

            They probably meant it in a sexist way, but if the unintended consequence is that I never have to get way too up close and personal with a dude’s hairy armpit as they lean over me to grab something ever again, I’m still pretty on board.

      2. CM*

        Wait, Survivor is still on?
        I remember getting a dress code memo once reminding us that even though we were business casual, we were more than welcome to wear a suit every day. And that some people were erring more on the side of “casual” but they should keep in mind the first word is “business.” And “business” means “suit” so really, feel free to wear a suit every day. We don’t HAVE to because we are business casual but just so you know, nobody will object if you wear a suit every day so maybe you should just think about wearing a suit every day.

          1. Specialk9*

            I mean, I’m not saying that all the cool kids are wearing suits every day, but I’m not NOT saying that.

  40. Epocene*

    I worked at a University a few years ago, and we had all been experiencing incredibly slow shared drive problems for about a month. Like work stopping-ly slow. The head of IT decided this was because everyone was using desktop spotify. He sent a campus wide email that – among other things – stated that “if we cared more about listening to music than getting our work done” then we could keep spotify installed. This email went out to like 2,000 people.

    Anyway like two weeks later we got an email saying that MAYBE there were some larger server issues at hand and perhaps spotify wasn’t the ONLY issue. Didn’t even apologize haha. That was definitely the talk of the coffee line for a while :)

  41. Existential David Bowie*

    The president of my institution was undergoing chemotherapy for breast cancer and sent a weekly email detailing the entire process, her thoughts, reflections, and progress to the staff, faculty, students, and alumni. I assume it was to assure is that she was handling her duties and reflecting on the seriousness of life and its beauty, but my father was also undergoing extremely rigorous chemo and radiation for stage 3 brain cancer at the same time and I had thought work was the only place I could avoid cancer talk.

    What became worse was from the titles of the emails you couldn’t really predict if it was the president’s essay on life and cancer or if it was an email sent from her account by her assistants on actually runnings of the institution. It was a coin toss. Is it gonna be important info or a feelings bomb? It was reading on eggshells. I had to set up an email filter and start asking around about the emails to coworkers.

    1. Miss Elaine e.*

      Before email was really a thing, we got interoffice memos about a variety of things. My favorite one was a page-long screed about getting screened for colorectal cancer? My 22-year-old self could only think, “W.T.F?”

  42. alice*

    Not an email memo, but my boyfriend’s job recently stopped the free tea and coffee (as well as milk for those who bring their own). One of his coworkers added “No tea, no coffee, no milk – great place to work” to his email signature. This was a month ago. No one has responded to it yet.

    4. LurkNoMore*

      Slightly similar…In order to save money, company had stopped supplying coffee and water service. After about a year of this policy being in place; CEO sends company-wide email stating that they didn’t realize how much this perk meant to the employees and they were going to once again start supplying. One of the employees reply: “Good! Now bring back the company picnic!”

    5. Indie*

      Best bit: “have fun explaining that one to your next employer”!! How could you not? Particularly if they are an employer as opposed to an interviewer!
      But what I really like was how he later admitted it was a bluff in a ‘duh of course’ tone.

  43. Jaybeetee*

    Ah yes, the time The Weekend Supervisor Went Rogue.

    Context: Museum job, I was a weekday employee, this guy was the weekend supervisor. At that point I didn’t work with him often. Dude in his early 20s, rather uptight. He was also a student and in the reserves. A few times a year he had to take time off for military training, and he always came back MORE uptight, and everyone working under him would more or less roll their eyes and clench their teeth until it wore off.

    So, dude goes away to training, comes back, decides that things have gone to hell while he’s been gone (I think he was gone a few weekends in a row). Sends out this big long email to all staff (to their personal emails – I think he had a work email, but the rest of us definitely didn’t) about all the problems he saw when he came back. Things not clean enough (small non-profit museum – staff did the cleaning)! People not coming in early enough (I’m not sure that any of them were actually LATE – I think it was more “a couple people showed up on the dot and That Was Bad”)! Slacking off on tasks! Shirts not tucked in! Mostly fairly minor stuff.

    This was years ago now, around 2011, so I certainly don’t have it anymore, and wish I could really do it justice here. But it was long, and bitchy, and vaguely confrontational and threatening at points (comments like “If such and such changes, then we won’t have a problem. If you have any issues with XYZ, take them up with me.”) But it was all pretty scandalous, because this dude seriously *had no authority to do this*. He did not have management’s backing, he had not spoken to them about anything he’d encountered, he just sent this bitchy email to all staff on his own volition. Bearing in mind that he was a *student* and *part-time* and a *supervisor* (not a manager), not to mention he hadn’t been around for several weeks, he really didn’t have the authority do be doing disciplinary stuff like this on his own. Even worse, most of who he was supervising were themselves students, and young, and inexperienced, so a couple of them were actually freaked out by this.

    Anyway, he sent that missive during the weekend, and during the week us weekday staff had great fun gossiping and being scandalized about it, while our managers ran around like chickens with their heads cut off. I think two them had to go in the next Saturday and sit him down for a “nice friendly chat” about why he should…literally never do anything like that again.

    1. MuseumChick*

      HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I can see this happening. Often part-time staff and volunteers feel and kind of unhealthy ownership over a museum. It’s a phenomena that leads to weird stuff like that.

      1. Jaybeetee*

        Ooooh I could write a book about that place. All the nuttiness of a non-profit combined with all the nuttiness of heritage/museum work, all rolled into one! It was also a fairly new museum, so we definitely had the over-invested “there from the beginning” volunteers too, including The One Who Wanted To Ban Children, The One Who Moved Artifacts Around Without Telling Anybody, and The One Who Gave Three Hour Death March tours. And that’s not getting into the management problems…

        1. Jadelyn*

          We need a Real Housewives of the Museum World or something, based on what I keep hearing about that culture in comments here! That sounds amazing.

          1. Rebecca in Dallas*

            I would love to hear about all the behind-the-scenes museum drama! I love museums but have never worked at one.

            1. Quackeen*

              I would happily contribute to the RHOM scripts, given my years at Hoity Toity Art Museums.

              1. Jennifer Thneed*

                I’m remembering that guy who was “storing” all the museum stuff in his own house…

        2. Specialk9*

          ” we definitely had the over-invested “there from the beginning” volunteers too, including The One Who Wanted To Ban Children, The One Who Moved Artifacts Around Without Telling Anybody, and The One Who Gave Three Hour Death March tours.”

          I need that emoji of laughing till you cry.

    3. Polaris*

      Oh man, if it weren’t for the non-profit thing (and the fact that at our museum only managers had work emails), I would think you were describing the museum where I used to work. This dude fits the description of some of our staff to a T.

  44. CleanTheFridge*

    “Late last week I put a sign on the refrigerator asking everyone to mark or remove any food from the refrigerator by today. Not only did no one remove their rotting food (some of which was leaking from a bunch of Lunds bags), but there was also spilled orange drink from the top shelf to the bottom of the refrigerator.

    If you feel that it is beneath you to clean up after yourself, please at least tell me so I can clean it up promptly. But not today – I am not in the mood.”

    1. anonanonanon*

      “not today – I am not in the mood” is seriously how I want to end all of my emails.

    2. Ms. Mad Scientist*

      We get a lot of angry emails about fridge cleaning. The cleaners used to do it on Wednesday mornings, so nobody could have food in the fridges at all between 5p Tuesday and 1p Wednesday (why?!?! why would you pick that time slot?!). They’ve since moved the time to Wednesday afternoons.

      So we’d get an email every month reminding people no food should be in the fridges from X to Y time. Followed up with another email detailing all the refrigerators that still had food in them, and how the facility director was very angry about this, and we better shape up.

      1. rldk*

        Friday afternoons on a set schedule does wonders. Clean it out for the weekend, no issues with awkward timing. You’d think it wouldn’t be that hard?!

      2. MLB*

        So many fridge wars…I bought my own mini fridge because I was tired of people stealing my food. I think some people just enjoy the drama. Post a note on the fridge that it will be cleaned out at X time every week/month/whatever. The when you clean it out, throw it all away, no exceptions. I guarantee if someone cares that much about their tupperware, they’ll remember to take it out next time.

  45. Jan*

    To the all staff list of a large university department:

    ‘Dear all

    A parcel has arrived at reception for [specific person].

    Regards,
    Admin’

    2. Rob aka Mediancat*

      I suppose maybe this makes sense if [specific person]’s name was misspelled or the package sender was using a nickname — we’ve had that happen at my workplace once or twice, where we’re told to email certain claims to, say, “Debra Jones,” and her name is actually “Deborah Jones” but she’s in the email system as “Debbi.”

  46. Anon for Yogurt*

    From: Director

    Subject: I am uhappy

    Just FYI…I’m back on my high protein, low carb diet, and not getting much to eat…Someone inadvertently took my yogurt today…Now, I’ll make it til I get home, but when the hunger hits, I will not be a happy camper…

    1. Moose*

      Oh my god, this is amazing. I am going to start emailing my entire company when I need caffeine. “Stay out of my way, I might be grumpy…”

      1. Anon for Yogurt*

        To make things more amusing, later that day someone a “lost pet” looking posters with a Chobani on it and texted it around to certain persons.

        1. Anon for Yogurt*

          Someone *made* a lost pet looking poster. Sheesh. The “uhappy” was copied from the email, though.

    3. Master Bean Counter*

      I kinda feel for the person, but was it not possible to just go buy another one somewhere?

    5. Ingray*

      I wouldn’t send an all-office email about it, but if someone took my food I would also be be uhappy, and probably stomp around the office for a few minutes in an outraged and dramatic fashion before finally sucking it up and going to the store for something else. Adults shouldn’t take food that doesn’t belong to them.

      1. Girl friday*

        It would almost be worth it to put five or six Boston Cream Pie yogurts in there with a sign saying, “Please don’t touch.” Feeding the hungry and the passive aggressive at once I say! The sad thing is, if you put a bag of Animal Crackers in there and say to ‘help yourself’ on a note, then you know somebody would just take the whole bag. But it’s worth a try! It’s kind of a dilemma: because you want to feed the hungry, but not encourage the stealing. Such a common problem.

      1. Jadelyn*

        “Not just any yogurt. Full-fat Greek with a touch of honey. That’s a once-a-week treat!”

  47. Ms. Mad Scientist*

    Coworker won an award. The institution giving him the award published a blurb on their website, which mentions Boss and Famous Scientist as co-inventors of Medical Device we work on.

    Coworker forwards blurb to Grandboss and larger research group.

    Grandboss replies all not once, but three times, with passive aggressive remarks about how he should have also been acknowledged as the co-inventor of Medical Device, not Famous Scientist. While Grandboss is correct (and coworker requested the correction), we were still subjected to a lengthy talk from Boss about how Grandboss is Very Sensitive about being in the shadow of Famous Scientist and we need to be very careful when we need to talk to the press.

    So now a (very small) part of my job is managing the feelings of a 50 something year old man.

  48. animaniactoo*

    From the director of HR to all female staff…

    Re: Ladies Room

    Toilet etiquette is all about HYGIENE AND CLEANLINESS.

    Women are the first ones to complain about restroom cleanliness in the workplace. It’s hard to imagine what the home restrooms of your co-workers look like when you see the mess they leave behind in the restroom at work.

    What’s even sadder is when management have to send out emails like this and to put up signs reminiscent of kindergarten, reminding women of basic bathroom etiquette.

    Nobody likes to clean up someone else’s mess and so it make sense for everyone to clean up after themselves throughout the day to maintain a high standard of hygiene and cleanliness.

    Please follow these simple steps and we can all avoid these unwanted notices.

    1) Flush! Flush! Flush! Until your friends are gone….
    2) If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seat. (I’m sure you’ve seen this around)
    3) If you are the cause of a clog, and you KNOW if you are, kindly take it upon yourself to first, attempt to correct it, and secondly, report it!
    4) Wash your hands, that’s where disease comes from.
    5) Sanitary napkins, non-biodegradable tampons should NEVER be flushed down the toilet but be wrapped and disposed of in the sanitary pad disposal bin.
    6) Lastly, PLEASE ALWAYS CHECK BEHIND YOU WHEN YOU”RE DONE.

    Note: Copied and pasted verbatim with all formatting and typos included.

    1. reply to all fail*

      OMG. HOLY HELL this is amazing. I have so many things to say. My first thought was “who is really thinking about what their coworkers home bathrooms look like?”

      1. MatKnifeNinja*

        I’ve had a friend who would wonder that, and how clean their coworkers’ kitchens were, especially when the potlucks happened.

        Believe me, there are people who think about both.

      1. Anon for poop content*

        Because some people leave…evidence…of their visit on the seat. Ask me how I know. (Please do not ask me.)

          1. Agatha_31*

            I’ve cleaned my share of women’s bathrooms. They mean in, on, and around the toilet. Some women have severe issues with their delicate heiney touching a public toilet, which okay, I get. But those same women should damn well understand why the rest of us are NOT cool with cleaning up after their lazy heiney when they ‘miss’.

      2. RJ the Newbie*

        Seriously. Now I have visions of Michael Myers, Jason Voorhes and/or Freddie Kruger in the bathroom at work with me. Because I don’t have enough nightmares to deal with on the job.

      5. Ladyphoenix*

        Rules to Survive a Horror Movie:
        1) Don’t have sex
        2) Don’t drink/do drugs
        3) Never say “I’ll be Tight back” because you won’t

        1. fposte*

          Or just pee dribbles. You know when you find pee sprinkles on the seat? That’s usually because the person before you didn’t look behind when they left.

      8. Alli525*

        At my office, the toilets are USUALLY pretty good, but you’ll occasionally see tiny bits of evidence (of my coworkers’ dinners from the day before) lurking around the bottom of the bowl. Or worse, floating.

        I’m sort of desperate to put up a similar sign, and add “Febreeze is provided for a reason. Use it even if you think your sh*t don’t stink, because it does.”

      9. CMart*

        I always double check the toilet bowl after I flush. Is that weird??

        From doing that I’ve discovered in my office that I apparently don’t toss my TP far enough back into the bowl when I’m on auto-pilot. Were I not checking behind me I would be leaving wads just sitting in the toilet bowl to greet the next stall occupant, which seems kind of rude.

      10. BeenThere*

        someone actually left a turd on the edge of the bowl one time in the ladies. No idea how they managed that. All the other women were running around being grossed out. I went in, got some tp, pushed it into the bowl and flushed. Yes, I was grossed out, but why should we wait for the cleaning staff to deal with it??

        What I can’t understand is how women get pee on the floor in front of the toilet?????

    3. DoctorateStrange*

      I’m imagining an over-the-top prim voice when I read this and I am holding back laughter.

    4. Collarbone High*

      “2) If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seat.”

      I mean, if you’re going to send a workplace communication using a stupid, cloying rhyme that’s usually found on bad needlepoint projects, at least get the rhyme right.

    6. anon for this*

      Re: 3) I’ve stopped reporting clogs because the first and last time I did (via the operations e-mail), two seconds later the operations person stands up and says to her coworker (who needs to know) loud enough so the entire floor (who doesn’t need to know) can hear it, “[Name] says the toilet is clogged.”

    7. MLB*

      While the email is hilarious and obnoxious, I’ve often had the same thoughts when using the bathroom at work. People are nasty. In fact, at my last job we had a defecation situation. Someone dropped a turd on the floor. Not in a “I’m about to crap my pants and I almost made it to the toilet but I missed” way though, because it was in the middle of the floor between the stalls and the sinks.

      1. Rebecca in Dallas*

        We’ve had a similar… situation. What’s funny is that it happened on a day that I happened to take the afternoon off. About an hour or so after I left work, 2 different coworkers texted me to tell me about it. At first I laughed but then I worried that people would think I was the phantom pooper!

    9. Pebbles*

      3) The most disgusting email I have ever had to send was after I walked into a stall and had to walk right back out again. It looked like someone had a massive blowout while hovering about a foot off the toilet seat. Splatter was on the wall behind the toilet, on the floor… Oddly enough the person had wiped off the seat itself as though that was all that was needed.

    10. Jaid_Diah*

      G-d bless.

      My building has automatic toilets. Some of them are … not so automatic. I always listen for the flush before I leave.
      We also have paper seat covers. Sometimes, they are not used. *ick*

    12. BananaRama*

      We have the #2 sign at some places at work. It bothers me more that “sweetie” and “seat” don’t rhyme. It should be “be sweet and wipe the seat.”

  49. Rey*

    Thankfully, I haven’t worked anywhere with long rants, but my favorite spiteful emails have been when someone’s supervisor required them to apologize, and the resulting email was a wordy version of “I’m sorry, but it’s your fault, so I’m not sorry and you are still wrong.”

    1. Jadelyn*

      Passive-aggressive non-apologies are an underrated art form in the workplace (less so for like, politicians and public figures where a lot more rides on it). Or just the ability to gently, politely, and professionally call someone out in email with half a dozen other people on the CC line – but because you were so careful about how you said it, they have nothing concrete they can complain about. Plausible deniability is a lovely thing.

    2. Kat in VA*

      Ah, yes. A riff on The Narcissist’s Prayer:

      A Narcissist’s Prayer

      That didn’t happen.
      And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.
      And if it was, that’s not a big deal.
      And if it is, that’s not my fault.
      And if it was, I didn’t mean it.
      And if I did…
      You deserved it.

  50. Moose*

    Not a rant exactly, but a related all-staff email story: recently someone in my (very large, multi-national) company accidentally sent an email that was meant for only one person to the “All Company” email list. The message itself was really innocuous, and she immediately responded with a “sorry, please disregard.” Despite this, a bunch of people “replied all” to the initial email with variations of “What is this?” and “I’m sorry, I think you sent this to the wrong person!” It only got worse from there as people from multiple offices and countries chimed in. There were “No one open this, it looks like spam”s and “Hmm, I’m going to forward this to (x person) and see if they can help with this”s. Then there were a bunch of “Please stop replying all”s and “She already said this was a mistake, stop responding to this chain”s (which ironically were making the problem worse). We received these emails all day. Every time a new one showed up, you could hear everyone in our office groaning or laughing or otherwise reacting when they saw it in their inbox. It was chaos. By the end of the day, everyone in the company had gotten like a hundred emails, all because someone accidentally sent an email to the wrong address and for some reason no one read her follow-up explanation. The person who sent the original email must have been mortified.

    1. EvilQueenRegina*

      Something like that happened where I am just this week. Someone had added the secure email users distribution list onto some random email about nursing staff needing to check their rotas for the week. Some of the intended recipients, not having noticed the error, were replying with things like “Looks fine to me” or “Just a slight change”. But lots of people kept on replying all saying things like “Not sure why you sent this to me?”to the point where someone asked everyone to stop replying all. Of course it didn’t work.

      Ever read E, by Matt Beaumont? That has a CEO who can’t understand why his emails are all automatically copying in his counterpart in Helsinki. One day, a rant at the Helsinki man telling him to butt out of their advertising campaign ends up going to every single employee worldwide and lots of people spam him all day with replies. He has the IT department disabling the servers all day before it eventually turns out he’s been doing something wrong every time.

    2. Super Anon Today*

      I think we work for the same company. My email was useless for the rest of the day, I was getting so many of those replies that I didn’t actually get work-related ones for hours.

      The best part (to me, at least) was seeing familiar names ironically replying all telling everyone to stop Replying All.

    3. CMart*

      Is “reply all” the default reply option for your company? I often FORGET to “reply all” to things when I should have, because regular ol’ “reply” is the first option. I just don’t understand how or why these cascading email nightmares happen.

  51. Amber Rose*

    I think I’ve told this story before, but years ago I worked for a company that was doing work for the government. We weren’t government employees, but we managed their mail room and had government emails.

    One day, the email system shit the bed and every email in the building was sent to every local government email address. At first, nobody realized the error, they thought someone had somehow hit reply-all. But then everything started coming through. I had over 200 emails in an hour, most containing information I should not have had.

    That was when the “dear all staff” emails started.

    “Dear staff: please stop hitting reply all.”
    “Nobody is hitting reply all, the email isn’t working.”
    “Stop emailing everyone!”
    “It’s not our fault, IT is working on it!”
    “Stop emailing anything to anyone!”
    “Please take me off your mailing list” (from the people who were clearly not paying attention)
    “Take me off your mailing list IMMEDIATELY” (from the angry people who were not paying attention)
    “This isn’t a mailing list, it’s an email error” (from the people attempting to be helpful and making things worse)
    “For the love of god stop sending emails!” (from the exasperated and probably IT)

    Keep in mind that, if you did hit reply all, everyone got the email twice. None of these emails were, individually, very interesting. It was the fact that, after everyone stopped emailing sensitive things, I still received well over 1000 emails asking everyone to stop emailing that made it one of the funniest work days I’ve ever experience.

    1. Hallowflame*

      I experienced something similar at a previous job, though it was just people not knowing the difference between Reply and Reply-all. An internal marketing email went out to all employees, and a couple of people hit Reply-all to say “take me off this mailing list”
      reply-all:”you can’t get off this mailing list”
      reply-all:”stop using reply-all”
      manager reply-all:”stop replying to this email chain”
      then a few people started sending memes round and IT started screaming, so upper management started threatening disciplinary action for anyone else that relied to the email chain. It was about 2 hours of email chaos.

        1. curly sue*

          I was on two earlier this year and honestly, they’re hysterical. One was the usual ‘ announcememt for small department goes to ALLSTAFF mailing list by accident, chaos ensues’ business. The other was caused by my officemate on an international industry-adjacent mailing list.

          There had been a general ‘here’s what’s up’ email to the list, I can’t remember the exact context – more of a ‘recent news in underwater basketweaving’ thing than anything else, and she replied with a request to be put on the mailing list for more information.

          On the list. That she’d been on for years.

          Total brainfart moment, but it was followed by FOUR DAYS of replies that escalated from many ‘put me on the list too’ and ‘isn’t this the list?’ To ‘is there a second list??’ and ‘why is there a secret second list???’ ‘there is no second list! This is the list!’

          And the moment that began to slow down, then the required run of ‘take me off this list’s began.

          I don’t think anyone’s posted to it since.

      3. Yams*

        I used to work at a place where global hr sent an email to all employees to remember to complete some mandatory training to all employees all over the world, there were tens of thousands all over the world. I imagine you can see where this is going. They didn’t bcc the global lists, so we all began getting the out of the office messages, then people started replying all telling people to knock it off, then people yelling to be taken off the email, which triggered the out of office in a loop that crashed all the computer systems and took over a day to fix. It was a hot mess and hilarious.
        My boss let me go home early that day though so that was nice.

  52. squirreltooth*

    We had two young staffers who constantly complained about bathroom smells, despite the air fresheners provided for everyone’s use. (I don’t know how they functioned in public, to be honest.)

    I have no patience for this sort of thing, so I finally requested the office manager order Poopourri, which was less well known at the time. She was concerned people wouldn’t know how it works and just spray it all over the bathrooms, so she made me send out an all-office email with step by step instructions on how to spray Poopourri into a toilet bowl.

    The complainers never got over their bathroom smells issue (the problem was now that the scent of lemongrass clued everyone in that poop had happened—seriously, come on), but did seem to change the life of a coworker with IBS, so mixed bag here.

      1. squirreltooth*

        It really does! I couldn’t believe when the complainers still wouldn’t shut up about smells…what they really wanted was a magical world where everyone was made out of porcelain and there was no need for bodily functions, ever.

      2. Jadelyn*

        It really does! Our building is old, and when the circulation fans in the bathroom died we were told that they would have to do actual roof and duct work to fix it because of the age and condition of the system – to the tune of like $8,000! Management wasn’t about to pay that just for a bathroom fan. So our facilities manager ordered poopourri and sent around an email asking everyone to please use it until we can get the fan fixed.

        Two days later, I was a convert and ordered some for my home (I love my partner, but…I’m really glad we have two bathrooms in our house, let’s just say that.)

      3. LSP*

        I am such a fan. I am very sensitive to odors, especially those caused by people fogging a room with air fresheners, which only serves to mix with poop-smells. I have taken it upon myself to supply it for my office. It’s worth the expense.

        1. No Green No Haze*

          I never thought I would become this person, but: the homemade kind works just great. Water, alcohol, essential oils, poof! Civilization.

          1. Specialk9*

            Yeah, sweet orange or lemon essential oil is great for this. It’s important to get the oils from somewhere reputable since there are synthetics… But it’s so easy to extract oil from citrus peel that usually they’re safe. You want to be very skeptical of things like melissa flower oil.

            Btw, I have terrible scent allergies, and it bums out my husband, who has tried several options of cologne without luck. We just made an essential oil cologne that is surprisingly perfect: tobacco (sweet and earthy), clove, and sweet orange. I was skeptical on the clove bc not a flavor I like, but it was exactly what was needed. (Essential oils don’t tend to trigger my allergies, though they do for some people.)

    2. Poo-pourri fan*

      Poo-pourri saved my marriage. After eating Mexican food and returning home to a one-bathroom house, we used to flip a coin to determine who got to go first. Now it’s a non-issue.

  53. Bend & Snap*

    We once had an intern who after 5 minutes of employment, sent an ALL CAPS BOLD email in pink comic sans to the entire office.

    DO NOT MICROWAVE FISH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    IT STINKS UP THE WHOLE OFFICE ALL DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    8. Liane*

      LOL. I think this one might be an exception to the general rule of “Don’t use all caps, &/or comic sans in business emails” because we all know how bad microwaved fish smells.

    13. Specialk9*

      I’m glad I have my knowledge of professional behavior, but I do wish I had her confidence.

  54. animaniactoo*

    From the company president to everyone:

    I noticed the showroom on one is filled with shipments, crates and cartons.
    We had a discussion about this and the showroom was NEVER to have cartons
    placed inside it.

    The area by the stairs to the basement is filled with cartons as well.
    This area was supposed to be a staging area for the showroom and other
    shipments received in.

    All divisions must manage their shipments better.
    We will never have a nice showroom if we continue to make
    it a storeroom. even for a few days.
    Please look at what is stored in the basement and what is in the staging area.
    There is plenty of room if managed correctly. We have the luxury of
    a warehouse in [location] as well.

    Note: Copied and pasted verbatim all formatting and typos included with the exception of obscuring location.

      2. Grumpy Catmin*

        I have gotten poem-emails too from a temp we had:

        “Hi Jane,

        I will be happy to show.
        It is very easy and it will
        be extremely useful to
        me in order to process
        the payables efficiently.”

          1. Anonicat*

            I noticed a freshly cleaned whiteboard at work, so I wrote the refrigerator haiku. The next day someone had written “leave our whiteboard alone !!!!!” So I composed a new haiku:

            Tears of repentance
            Fall like jacaranda blooms.
            My apologies.

  55. Shark Lady*

    An email went out to everyone in my office announcing that we’d be getting new carpets, lighting and desk chairs (hooray!) in “all relevant areas” (…huh?).

    So here we sit now, on our ancient desk chairs, with our scuzzy carpet, in the dark, having discovered we, apparently, are not a relevant area. I guess we are an irrelevant area?

  56. DCGirl*

    I worked one place where the management felt that the dress code was really slipping in the summer. It didn’t help that this was a college with many historic buildings, some of which lacked central air conditioning. So, there was was campus-wide email reminding everyone to dress more appropriately in spite of the weather. The one thing I really remember was that we were all told to use dressing as though we were going to a barbecue where we’d never met the hostess as a guide to how we should dress. Maybe the HR director was going for “smart casual” with that analogy, but we spent days trying to parse that one.

    1. Natalie*

      as though we were going to a barbecue where we’d never met the hostess

      I don’t think I’ve ever worn anything but jeans/tee or a sundress to a barbecue. That would be an a plus company dress code IMO, but I doubt that’s what she was thinking!

      1. Alli525*

        Seriously. It’s a barbeque? I’m wearing shorts, and a tank top – the only thing that varies depending on how well I know the host* is how ratty my outfit is.

        *I also enjoy the casual sexism of a BBQ hostESS.

    2. SusanIvanova*

      Well, for one then-new (and now very former) co-worker’s family, “going to a barbecue” was their best snazzy western cowboy shirts (satin, fringe, that sort of thing), crisp new jeans, and big belt buckles.

      What the co-worker had told *us* was “barbecue with a summer garden party theme”. Floaty dresses, summer suits.

      This was also her “wedding reception”, although the wedding had happened just before we hired her, a couple of months earlier.

      I am absolutely convinced that she did that on purpose to make her rural family feel out of place next to her more upscale co-workers. We did not appreciate it and it just made her look bad to us.

  57. Cruciatus*

    Some guy resigned his library position yesterday by emailing it to the library listserv that is sent to every library employee at every campus within the university system. He wasn’t from my campus but a lot of people were discussing what that was about! It was short and sweet too, just “I hereby resign my position as X”. One person replied all later saying “Nooooo!” He had been there 7 years. I have so many questions.

    1. Jenny*

      I bet this is the same person who then posted it to a large social media library group. In the comments, there is a thread about how he feels HR screwed them by not informing him of the resignation process. Judging on previous posts by this person, they don’t have a good sense of workplace formalities.

    2. There is a Life Outside the Library*

      The strangest part of that email was that it was uncharacteristically short and to the point. Very unlike him. I actually thought about putting one of his other emails in this thread! Haha!

        1. There is a Life Outside the Library*

          Yeah, this is the same person I wrote about below who shared a whole story with the listserv about being in his undies or something when his neighbor started a fire. Nice to “meet” you, too, although I thankfully no longer work there!

          1. Cruciatus*

            I was wondering if you still worked there based on your other post with the “opportunities” since that still happens here. I had never seen those before working in this position. I don’t want to vote for your kid’s recipe in the online contest!

            1. Temporarily anon*

              I was so confused about those when I started. How is that an “opportunity?” I know and like the person with who posted the kid’s recipe contest, but I confess that I did not vote.

              I’m hoping that this kind of thing will increasingly move to Slack.

    3. Temporarily anon*

      Oh, hey, we work in the same place! I was coming here to post this, too. I, too, don’t know the resigning employee, but it was very strange.

      1. Cruciatus*

        Hello! Perhaps we should reply all to his email and let everyone know he is Ask A Manager famous?

  58. lnelson1218*

    Not so much a company email, rather a post-it as a reminder to self (being an entitled, dim-witted intern)

    “Paddy Cash” get

  59. EvilQueenRegina*

    I once worked somewhere where this guy who’d been temping in Facilities sent round a mass goodbye email…containing lots of old baby photos of himself.

    The best part of it was that most of my team had never actually met that guy. We were all still on the mailing list for that particular building he worked in despite the fact that we’d vacated that office (it had been our main office once and we had three satellites, and the whole team had moved in together to one of the satellite offices about two years previously. Despite this, all the people who’d been hired to the satellites and never based in that building, or who’d been hired after the big move, got added to that list anyway and used to get lots of rants about things like the state of the kitchen.)

    1. RabbitRabbit*

      My department has its own email list that gets updated every time staff gets changed out. (This is often, considering the heavy turnover in one of the divisions.)

      I had asked the current and the former administrative assistant if we could have a special list as well for just the half of the department that is in our building. The other half does not need our kitchen cleaning reminder e-mails and the like. This hasn’t happened.

      1. Specialk9*

        You have to be totally into someone, and likely considering babies with them, to really get into baby pictures. And I love babies!

    4. Pebbles*

      We had a work ice breaker thing where various baby photos were displayed and we were supposed to guess which coworker they were.

  60. WindyLindy*

    A few months ago, the head of Legal sent out an organization-wide e-mail telling us that an employee of five years was about to “make a career shit” and leave our organization. Freudian slip, much?

    2. SarahKay*

      A few months back someone here had a similar issue. In this case he was sending out a site email with a communication for people on shift…sadly, the subject email actually read “Employee briefing for Shit staff”.
      Worse, because it was only meant for those on shift, it went to a select subset of about ten people on a site of 150 or so.

        1. SarahKay*

          LOL! Maybe they’ve just decided to be brutally honest about the work, this person is going to do ;)

    3. TheTallestOneEver*

      LOL! When spell check won’t save you ’cause the word is spelled right, you just chose the wrong word.

      In an effort to be helpful, once on the Friday afternoon before a daylight savings time change, our director sent out a message to our entire department reminding us to “set your cocks back.” I’m not sure which poor soul contacted him to let him know about the error. A few minutes later, we all received another email with a single sentence: “That was supposed to say ‘clocks’.”

  61. Hallowflame*

    Disgruntled accounting clerk at a Fortune 500 sent this as a company-wide email, and was promptly asked to leave the building:
    “To whom it may concern:

    For personal reasons, at the end of day on 01/13/2016 I will be separating from Company Name.
    I appreciate the opportunity but I can’t say the same for the experience.
    Company Name as an institution is financially strong and sound, but at the expense of the employees work life balance.

    Never have I worked for an institution that demands mandatory overtime and in some departments it resonances that of a correctional facility or a sweatshop environment.

    Telling an employee when and what time they can leave for the day gives it that special touch, and overwhelming them with a workload due to the lack of personnel has made some new and existing employees run for the door and never look back.

    It’s not all that bad, some gestures that Company Name have shown towards the employees are nice but that still doesn’t offset the damage/impact that some have done to the employee’s morale.

    There are consulting firms that help corporations in dealing with the employees concerns, whether it’s for compensation, personal time or just the overall employee’s state of mind and it has helped employees and corporations become more efficient and profitable.

    It is an investment that has a guaranteed winning return. Sometimes, corporations tend to disconnect from what’s important and a little reminder is warranted:
    “A corporation’s most important asset besides their customers it’s their employees.”

    Having said that I wish all of you good luck. ”

    While this guy handled the situation in almost the worst way possible, he happened to have a point about what a crappy place Company Name was to work for. This email made for a very entertaining couple of hours in the office before IT scrubbed it from the servers!

    1. LadyCop*

      I honestly don’t know if he was justified, and in a salaried/exempt position I can see frustration with “telling an employee when and what time (redundant?) they can leave for the day”but that is something -a lot- of normal working people have as an expectation…so it’s hardly a “correctional facility or sweatshop environment” to do so…

  62. DivorcePartay*

    This is probably going to pale in comparison to what winds up being posted, but after starting a brand new job at the end of 2014, I had to “donate” to a gift card for the newly married department director. Okay, whatever, fine. But two months later, everyone got an Outlook meeting invite as follows (I’ll try to figure out how to link to a screenshot later):

    Subject: Divorce Party
    Location: Postinos
    When: Monday, February 23, 2015

    Team,
    Remember that crazy marriage I got into and everyone gave me a huge gift card from Postino’s as a present? Well, Monday February 23, 2015 is your lucky day! That will be the day I am officially divorced which is to be celebrated! Since I never used the card I want to give it back! Please join me at Postinos so you can help me close one Cliff Notes chapter and open a new novel!

    Please respond either way so I can secure a big enough table.

    Thanks for being so supportive during my “what the heck did I get myself into period”. :)
    -Lois

    **Side note, she cancelled that event two days before hand and vanished from the office for a few days. I never found out what happened.

    1. Kate R*

      Aww, I’m sad about the update because I thought it was a great way to “give back the gift” so to speak.

      1. DivorcePartay*

        Yeah – it turns out she was a fairly kind person, but off the charts in terms of flakiness (based on other incidents).

      1. DivorcePartay*

        I have it saved as a jpg or something but (I’m embarrassed to admit) I don’t know how to get it from my computer to the internet to generate a URL to link to. :( Google was like “oh no problem just do an image search for what you want and then copy the link address!” – gee thanks Google.

  63. Blah Blah Blah*

    Titled “Eating at your desk” from CFO/Owner of a company. The context here that is important is that it was only sent to female staff…plenty of male staff also had desks. And it was sent to all female staff, no matter what building or department they were in so it wasn’t just department either. Just female staff. This was widely speculated to be retaliatory against a woman who was pumping. She was written up for pumping past a year, and told that the company had been generous since she was exempt, to even allow it in the first place. Never mind she had to do it in a dingy office and be constantly harassed about how gross she was (I didn’t harass her, others did). It was brutal. But she was always hungry from the pumping, but she was by no means the only one eating at her desk. And she still did her job, fabulously. And she ate granola bars or a banana, not microwaved fish. On top of that, she was told as exempt she wasn’t allowed breaks anyway.

    “I am asking that everyone wanting to eat lunch or something at break, at the office, do so in the kitchens or in break room, not at your desk. Thank you for your cooperation.”

    3. jb*

      “she was told as exempt she wasn’t allowed breaks anyway.”

      That’s not how it works! That’s not how any of this works!

        1. SoCalHR*

          yup – “FLSA to require employers to provide “reasonable break time for an employee to express breast milk for her nursing child for 1 year after the child’s birth each time such employee has need to express the milk.”

          but I’m still appalled by this company

        2. LadyCop*

          I had a co-worker at a job who would go pump…but then disappear for hours on end…she was doing a lot more than pumping. Without a supervisor who cared, the rest of us just had to pick up the slack. Not saying time limits should happen for actual pumping…just that it’s not the craziest thing ever

          1. BeenThere*

            We have nice rooms set aside for nursing mothers to pump. A few women “of a certain age” who likely are NOT pumping found out and started reserving the rooms so they could take naps. Which essentially locked out the nursing moms who needed the rooms and for whom they were intended….

      2. fposte*

        It sucks, but it absolutely can be how it works. You can forbid your exempt employees breaks and there’s no legal protection for them to pump.

    4. Bea*

      Omfg I’m glad she got out of there. I wish all the women and any man worth a damn left that hellhole.

    5. HR Reader*

      Is there an actual email distribution with only female employees, or did the CEO actually type in the names of every female? At first I was thinking this must be a small company but you reference different buildings so now I am curious…

      1. Blah Blah Blah*

        Small company with three small buildings right on same lot. He typed them in himself, there’s no savy tech there. Plus, can you imagine one entitled “Women only emails.” I mean, it would have fit there but still.

  64. Publishing peon*

    I was working at a major New York publisher when JFK Jr. died in a plane crash. Somehow one employee not only thought it was appropriate to email a coworker a crass list of jokes about the death, but then accidentally sent it to the entire company…

  65. BRR*

    Our HR/Operations manager was mad the sink was clogged and sent a picture of the clog while reminding people to not dump things down the drain.

  66. I didn't post this*

    Mine’s a little hard to explain… and it was posted to the company intranet site, so a little different than an email. But I’ll give it a go…

    History: My company had recently gone through a bankruptcy and was purchased by MegaCorp. Then MegaCorp acquired several other companies and the operations I worked for were treated as the red-headed stepchild of the new company. Entire divisions were being laid off, locations were being closed down, it was truly a horrible time to work at this company.

    Backstory : This is the that I heard that inspired one employee to write a little story and post to our internal company website. IIRC, it was posted on the front page, complete with images
    Some guy named Fergus (in IT) wrote this after a meeting the other day where they were talking about how bad morale was getting, especially after they laid off the hardware development people – someone joked that the LocationA people were so down and out that they didn’t even have it in them to get up from their desks to use the restrooms and were relieving themselves at their desks. After this was said Peppy Penelope piped up in this perky voice and said something like – “I don’t know what’s wrong with everyone . . . I just found a box turtle in my yard this morning and it put me in such a good mood . . .”
    ______
    Start of text from webpage:

    Site Caption: MegaCorp Red-headed Stepchild (RHS) Division Turtle Initiative: Despite having jobs that are no longer eligible for MegaCorp bonus plans, and having most of their remaining dignity stripped away, we believe that most of our MegaCorp Red-headed Stepchild (RHS)
    employees still can make it to the bathroom before befouling themselves,
    and will remain as dedicated and hard-working as ever. How? Read about the
    revolutionary plan to introduce cute small turtles in the offices to raise
    morale at

    Turtles 2002 – Tell Me a Turtle Story

    Turtles 2002 is a new initiative that has been developed to increase the motivation level of our RHS employees in locationA, locationB, locationC, locationD, and various other locations.
    The idea was first tested on remote employee Peppy Penelope in Springfield, USA. A MegaCorp-trained box turtle (Terrapene carolina) named Rico was surreptitiously released into her backyard by MegaCorp Personnel Field Operative HR Harry. Shortly after, as Peppy Penelope relates, “I heard the dogs barking and carrying on in the yard, so I came out to see what the ruckus was…” The turtle warmed her heart immediately, inducing an upswing in her body’s production of endorphins and increasing her productivity by at least 36.5 percent.

    RHS Personnel Manager HR Harry took time out from his busy, grueling, hard-working schedule to chat with us about Turtle2000. “Well, I’m not sure of all the details, but I can tell you we plan to roll out the Turtles into the LocationA offices and the NOC in LocationB. ‘NOC’ — I like that acronym. Don’t you like it too? Did you know an acronym is like a word that’s made from the initials of other words? I don’t know what words were used for ‘NOC,’ but I like how it sounds. NOC-NOC… NIC-NOC…”

    We were able to get more specific information from HR Harry, MegaCorp Personnel Field Operations Director. “Once the test on Peppy Penelope proved successful, we sent orders to dispatch twelve box turtles from the the training camp in Budd Lake, New Jersey, to the NOC, and another twelve to LocationA. We are sending them FedEx Overnight (in a ReptilePak, of course, for their safety) so they should be deployed by June 12th at the latest. Endorphins should be pumping wildly out there in short order.”

    The turtles are being deployed to combat severe employee discontent recently found at the RHS sites. When asked about the issue, RHS Personnel Manager HR Harry replied, “I don’t have that answer right now, but if you leave me your email address or some other contact information I’ll be sure to have someone get back to you.”
    A source at the LocationA (who requested that his identity not be revealed) related that “People here are so bummed out that they can’t even summon the energy to get up to visit the rest room.”

    “We don’t understand why it happened, but we know it has happened, and we care deeply for our employees here at MegaCorp, so we had to do something, and quick,” said HR Harry, Personnel Manager for the North American Region. He is excited by the use of turtles in resolving employee issues of all kinds. “We recently used a rather large, highly specialized turtle operative in resolving some outstanding issues with the Hardware Development group; it’s nice to see we can bring the little fellas into this other situation.”

      1. I didn't post this*

        The epic part is that it remained up on the website for over a week, nobody noticed (see morale issues and apathy).

        I think he did get fired for this, but truthfully the rumors (which ended up to be true) about LocationA closing were already circulating. He wouldn’t have had a job in 6 months time regardless.

        I wish I would have screen captured or copied the page, because it was glorious.

    5. Rebecca in Dallas*

      I love this so much. And now I want box turtles!

      YOU get a box turtle! And YOU get a box turtle!!!!

  67. anonanonanon*

    Not from inside my own company, but from a vendor.

    This particular saleswoman was having an affair with the (married) boss at a family-run business. I am paraphrasing, but it basically said:

    Due to the family dynamics at [business], I will no longer be working at [business]. Please reach out to [name] if you have any questions. Under that, she wrote how loyal of an employee she was and how her personal relationship with married boss caused the end of her career.

    It went to multiple clients. I wish I saved it.

  68. SusanIvanova*

    It wasn’t the contents of the memo that was the problem, but the delivery system: frequent 5-minute voicemails consisting of the generic corporate press-release style news that only marketing could love, which you couldn’t fast forward or skip. It would restart every time you tried to get to your voicemail until you’d let it run to the end.

    It gave many of us the excuse we were needing to just ignore voicemail. (Really, that is *not* the right medium to report technical problems. Use the bug tracking system, that’s what it’s there for!)

  69. Jack Be Nimble*

    I had a temp job in a large, international pension firm. There were different all-staff email lists for regions, countries, etc. Somehow, these email lists had been circulated outside the company, and we received periodic phishing emails inviting us to click suspicious links to access non-existent archives.

    One day, we get one of those emails, and my team reads it out loud, has some fun joking about how dumb you’d have to be to click that link. Not five minutes later, we get a reply-all response from a bigwig in a different office expressing frustration that the links never work, he’s been clicking them every time he gets one, and he wants to stop receiving them if they don’t actually have the documents attached. This guy was 5-6 levels higher than me.

    He sent an email to every employee in America saying he regularly clicked phishing links.

    10 minutes later we got a notification from IT that his email had been recalled.

  70. Batty Twerp*

    This may or may not be a too revealing piece of information (summarised, because I still work here). It’s not funny, just a bit sad, especially as we’re still feeling the fallout effects.

    We do company pay reviews in April/May for implementation (and back-dating) in June’s payslips.
    We’re in Britain. In 2016 the idiots in charge called a referendum, the result of which has turned out to be Brexit. Voting on the referendum happened in June.
    CEO issued a company-wide email in the days leading up to the vote “advising” us how to vote, and making his preference very clear, because of what would be “best for the company”.
    Result didn’t go his way.
    Follow up email advising that all pay rises were now frozen.
    In the following months, we had an unprecedented 25% staff turnover. CEO didn’t stick it out much longer.
    Incidentally, there was enough money in the coffers this May to give me a nearly 10% pay rise. Others in the company have been similarly rewarded.

      1. Batty Twerp*

        Actually, there would have been money in the coffers for the frozen payrises (that’s how it would have worked, managers are given their budget before the pay reviews take place – you can’t give a pay rise if the money isn’t there).
        So, instead, once the CEO left (likely with a golden parachute because that’s how these things go), the board panicked and hired loads of VERY EXPENSIVE consultants and contractors to work out a) why the company had suddenly gone into a downward spiral and if it was Brexit connected, and b) how to turn our fortunes around. And, beautifully(!) one fo the first things they implemented was a hiring freeze, so our 25% staff weren’t being immediately replaced.
        (I should say that most of this has been reversed – we now have full capacity staff, and we’ve all had market-rate rises, but the damage is still there – goodness only knows what the board will decide once Brexit actually takes effect!)

  72. Wannabe Disney Princess*

    My favorite was when my boss’s boss sent an email reminding everyone to please be mindful of the bathroom adjacent to the conference room. (It was accessible from both the conference room and the lobby.) And that if it needed to be plunged, please do so quickly and not to leave it as it was awkward to have the smell waft in while meeting with executive management.

  73. MrsBeek*

    I’m at a academic institution, and we had a faculty member leave under…not good terms. Their lab was packing up equipment for a move to another institution, when apparently other labs saw their stuff in the hallway and thought it was up for grabs.

    So then mass emails went out with sad pleas like “To whoever took the [equipment] from the Doe Lab, I am sure it was an innocent mistake :-)… Can you please call me or just return them ASAP?” and reminders not to just take things from the emptying lab: “I am sure you thought the lab was empty and that it was left by mistake but I am still here and the microwave is mine.”

  74. linguaignota*

    Coming out of lurkerdom to share a delightful all-staff email sent by our receptionist last year:
    ***
    Subject: BREAD

    Did someone lose their bread?
    A slice of bread was found in the front lobby of [Building]. It’s at the front desk waiting for you!

    Thanks,
    [Name]

    2. Myrin*

      For some reason, this is cracking me up the most out of all of these. The subject line just being “BREAD” really makes it for me.

    3. Anonny*

      Bread-loser must be a relative of the neighbour who had a fair amount of bread (like, half a sliced loaf and a baguette) strewn all over their driveway for a week last year.

  75. Matilda Jefferies*

    I once worked in a bookstore which had a nine-page dress code. Nothing was left to chance or individual judgement in this one! Gems included
    *Acceptable and unacceptable fabrics
    *Mens’ hair must not be longer than collar length
    *Mens’ fingernails must not be past the tips of the fingers; womens’ may be 1/4 inch (and shaped, etc)
    *No more than one earring per ear, no more than one ring per hand (wedding ring sets were grudgingly excepted).
    *No visible tattoos, and also no bandages to cover up tattoos
    *All staff must wear deodorant
    *All staff must wear appropriate undergarments

    This all came out because the owner one day happened to be at the exact right angle to see my ankle tattoo (which is about the size of a golf ball.) This was in the late 90’s, so tattoos were becoming more popular, but not as widespread as they are today. She was horrified – HORRIFIED!! – that one of her staff could have such a thing on their body!

    She Spoke To The Manager about it immediately, and he pointed out that since he had hired me with the tattoo and since I had been there with it for quite some time already, he wasn’t prepared to discipline me for it. (Thank goodness for reasonable managers!) So the dress code was a response to all of that. The thing is, because she paid only slightly more than minimum wage and liked to hire students, it was pretty much impossible for us to comply with every single details she set out in that code. We used to start our shifts by counting how many violations we had that day – I think I typically had about four. My hair will *not* stay neat and tidy, no matter how many rules other people create about it. I had a second earring in my left earlobe, wore two rings on one hand if you can believe it, and of course the tattoo, which was visible when I wore a skirt. (Pants on women were allowed, but not preferred.)

    Funnily enough, that was actually one of my favourite places to work! The manager and assistant manager are still among the best bosses I’ve ever had, and they considered it part of their jobs to shield the rest of us from the owner as much as they could. They realized the dress code was pretty much unenforceable, and so they let it go unless somebody was *really* out of sync with the general expectations behind it.

    1. Matilda Jefferies*

      I meant to add, I did keep a copy of the memo for posterity. But we were passing it around at a party one day, and someone spilled beer on it – I consider this a form of poetic justice. :)

    2. Cotton Headed Ninny Muggins*

      Interestingly, some of these are nearly word-for-word to appearance standards I adhered to when I was in the Navy…

    3. Jemima Bond*

      I’m interested in the detail behind “appropriate undergarments” – whalebone corset? Panti-girdle? Liberty bodice? Woollen combinations? Long johns? All Y-fronts to be greyish white and laundered by your widowed mother on a boil-wash?

  76. RabbitRabbit*

    It wasn’t quite an all-staff e-mail but was sent to much of a department; I didn’t see it but did get a description from someone who was a recipient; I knew the sender and will put the background below. An employee who was being let go on day 89 of his 90 day probationary period sent a very dramatic and self-pitying e-mail bidding farewell to his former coworkers and it was a pleasure working with *some* of them, he knew God had great plans for him going forward and he wouldn’t let this get him down. It just went on for several cringeworthy paragraphs. I wish I’d gotten a copy.

    Backstory:
    A previous department I worked for (in a hospital) hired someone on as a research coordinator. Kind of low-level work in terms of research, no advanced degree beyond bachelor’s generally needed. He turned me off immediately in that he sat next to me at one point and instead of a ‘get to know my coworker’ sort of conversation, it felt like a way-too-familiar cross-examination, like he was doing speed dating or something. He worked on the side as a property manager for his parents’ rentals and would constantly be taking phone calls about it while on the job. He had also apparently wildly inflated his experience on his CV, like trying to claim he was some kind of programmer or specialist for Apple when he really worked at one of their stores.*

    When it came time to do computer-based training for the research studies, he did the training intended for physicians rather than coordinators, stating that he felt he should know everything about how to do the study. He practically had a fit when told he wouldn’t be allowed to wear formal scrubs when watching a surgery, but rather would get the disposable “bunny suit” to wear (zip-up onesie style). (He just had to go in to hand off a device and retrieve information.) He completely failed to do a lot of the regulatory-required filing/documentation/etc. and it was something of a mystery of what he was actually doing – probably more online training that was useless/pointless, and phone calls for his side job. I think their breaking point was when he criticized a surgeon’s technique/choices in surgery and said he would have done it differently. The doctor’s head just about exploded, and that was the last straw.

    * He was hired through referral by a staffing agency that’s supposed to specialize in professionals. The same agency referred a nurse to work with people I know. When they wanted to hire her on, the hospital’s HR department nixed her, as she DIDN’T HAVE a nursing license, much less a degree! Anyone can look professional licensing up online via an open-to-the-public website, but that company didn’t even check that.

    1. Beancounter in Texas*

      0_O “…he criticized a surgeon’s technique/choices in surgery and said he would have done it differently.”

  77. Funbud*

    I had a copy of an email for a long time,but I must have discarded it. It actually happened a few years before I worked for the company, a long established manufacturing firm (a household name in the USA). At the time, the last member of the original founding family to be involved with the firm was serving as CEO. There was a severe snowstorm and a lot people didn’t come to work. This was before wide-spread cell phone usage and certainly long before “working remotely”. The storm resulted in roads officially closed, etc.

    The next day the CEO sent out a quite harshly worded email screed about how if HE was able to make it to the office (after hours on the road and many detours) everyone else should have made it to the office! And he had gone around and made a list of employees who had not shown up for work and now commanded their managers to submit their own lists so he could cross reference them and employees who had missed work would be “properly disciplined”. It went on and on and was quite unhinged. I don’t know whether there actually was any disciplinary action taken, but the whole thing had a very Gestapo-esque tone to it. “We will be watching you!” and so on.

    It became a legendary incident among the older employees at the company. Some years later, while I was working there, we had another severe storm and our buildings lost power for a few days. By then, cell phones were in regular use, so employees cobbled together methods to keep things going from home and elsewhere. After that, the company put into place a detailed plan for any work outages due to weather!

    1. MLB*

      I had a manager like that at my last job. She would let us know what her policy was regarding coming to work when the weather was bad, but it always changed depending on if she was able to make it in or not. We were able to work remotely, but she didn’t like us to do that.

      1. Kelsi*

        I had a manager who I mostly loved, but who was a TERRIBLE driver. Even in the best of weather, getting in the car with her was taking your life in your hands.

        My best friend, her other direct report at the time, lived close to the manager, while I lived in the neighboring state (lucky for me!). Whenever Best Friend tried to take a vacation day because she didn’t feel safe driving in the snow, Manager would insist on picking her up. Which, as you can imagine, was far LESS safe that Best Friend just driving herself!

  78. Blah Blah Blah*

    Entitled “Eating at your desk” from the CFO/Owner, to FEMALE STAFF ONLY. No matter department or job, it was sent to all female staff, none of the men. “I am asking that everyone wanting to eat lunch or something at break, at the office, do so in the kitchens or in break room, not at your desk. Thank you for your cooperation.”

    Legend has it it was targeted to the woman who was pumping in the office at the time. She was constantly harassed about how gross it was to pump and one woman was after her, all the time harassing her. She was written up for pumping past a year, and told the company had been “generous” in allowing it in the first place as she was exempt. Never mind the constant harassing she had to endure, the dingy space she was so generously given that was overran with rats in the ceiling, or that she was then told exempt staff do not get breaks (that was a lie, the men always took breaks). Her pumping made her hungry and the woman with a vendetta against her I guess decided to complain about her snacking. She would eat granola bars, an apple or a banana, nothing like microwave fish. And she’d throw everything away in an outdoor trash can so it didn’t stay in office.

    Anyway, this wasn’t the first time there was sexual discrimination in the workplace but we made a game of it by specifically eating in men’s offices who also had a good laugh. The owners were known to be quacks and just a lawsuit waiting to happen.

    The pumping woman eventually left that place and moved on to better pasture. The toxic one stayed, much to our dismay.

    1. Matilda Jefferies*

      Good grief, that’s awful. I’m so glad the pumping woman (and you?) got out of there!

  79. Natalie*

    I didn’t see the final version of this, but an old boss drafted a memo about “Office Expectations” after the office expanded and she had some new property managers. On the surface, it just seemed weirdly nitpicky – things like “say goodbye to everyone when you leave” and tell her when you were visiting the properties. The underlying issue seemed to be that she didn’t trust them to manage their own schedule so was trying to keep tabs on them.

    The dumbest part about the whole memo was that it was two people. She could have just talked to them individually.

  80. loslothluin*

    When I worked at last Toxic Job when I was in my early 20s, the owner went on a rant about how we all took advantage of the one hour lunch, how he was losing money, and that, by God, we had to be back at exactly 1:00 pm. So, we all trudged in at exactly 1:00 pm. Turns out the rant was due to the city’s SWAT team telling him they were coming after a coworker who was a murder suspect, so our boss made sure we were all back in the office on time for the shenanigans. During the raid, one girl hid in the bathroom, one girl (who was short and skinny) hid in a cabinet, and the last cop out the door was being chased by one of the women in shipping because she said they owed us a “shit ton” of free donuts after all that crap.

    Guy in the back was arrested, my mother wanted to go rip the chief of police a new asshole, and the owner had to apologize to us for putting us in a very bad situation. I don’t think he would have apologized had he not talked to his attorney (friend that was his assistant told me about that call.)

      1. loslothluin*

        The craptastic boss also made sure all the outside doors/gates were locked, too. It was, by far, the most insane thing I’ve ever seen in my life, and it includes the neighborhood redneck that was in my backyard killing squirrels for his pet albino snake. The redneck neighbor was wearing a dirty wife beater, no shoes, daisy duke shorts, and a pink jump rope for a belt.

        1. Observer*

          The person is a lunatic, but also a nasty piece of work. I hope this business has shut down.

          1. loslothluin*

            It has! He also bought a ton of real estate right before the housing bubble went kaboom! Karma!

      1. loslothluin*

        My mom was so mad when she found out that I had to talk her out of going to the police station and chewing out the chief.

    3. Grouchy 2 cents*

      This is all so perplexing. Why the hell would they schedule a raid inside an office. They couldn’t wait outside the door for him to leave? (Or outside his house for pete’s sake?)
      I love that woman in shipping though!

      1. loslothluin*

        It was the dumbest thing I have ever seen in my life, and the guy they arrested wasn’t even the guy they wanted. The one that hid in the bathroom ended up in tears and quit on the spot when she called her husband. I think it was the other woman in shipping that said, “Do I look like a 6 foot plus black man? I know all black people look alike to white people, but this is ridiculous!”

        1. Observer*

          Part of me is stunned. But part of me is not at all surprised – I mean the level of stupidity and incompetence involved in scheduling a SWAT team to go INTO workplace unnecessarily and then warning someone about it! is pretty monumental.

          I don’t blame your mother for wanting to rip the police chief apart. How did you manage to talk her down?

          1. loslothluin*

            Since I was 20, I kept saying I needed the job. Like it never crossed my brain to get another job instead of staying. I was young and stupid, I suppose. Plus, I told her I didn’t have any spare cash for bail.

            She still gets mad about it all these years later.

      2. LadyCop*

        I can’t say I’ve ever heard of it happening in an office…but “waiting outside” is a great way to tip someone off that the cops are waiting for them…

        And the ranting mother would have be -hilarious- she should have done it…just so she could be laughed at after the fact.

        1. Observer*

          Why would you laugh at her? The cops acted like a bunch of incompetent idiots. And they both endangered the goal they THOUGHT they were trying to accomplish and put a bunch of people in harms way. Why is a rant about that supposed to be funny?

    4. SarahKay*

      Wow! Owner was a complete idiot! On the other hand the woman in shipping was awesome; good for her.

  81. Linzava*

    I don’t think I still have it, but aty last job, the owner sent an email out Christmas day, we saw it after coming back from our long weekend.

    The gyst of it was that the owner spoke with a client that day that complained about the staff refusing to help them a half hour before closing the day before the long holiday. He chided the entire staff, talking about how flexible he’s been with us(not true, he had a “butts in seats rule unti 5 oo). It was insulting, threatening and rude. Turns out, we were able to prove the client was lying and there was no such incident. They called a half hour after closing and nobody was there(caller ID).

    We received no apology. Side note, this owner always fired someone around the holidays, every year. He was an absolute grinch.

  82. That Would be a Good Band Name*

    I really wish I had some of the emails. My TerribleBoss from a couple of jobs ago would send out huge emails at 2am (we all worked days) to our small department of 3. They generally consisted of how we were all horrible and about to be fired because of {always something small and stupid, like typos in an internal email within our department}. We were fairly certain that these were alcohol induced or influenced. The emails always ended with: print and sign and slide these under my door so I know you read and understand. That part was usually underlined and in all caps. We’d have to slide them under her door because she would never come in the day after sending one of these and they were never discussed again.

    The best part, however, was when she went on medical leave and I was leading the department until her return. The HR director stopped by to let me know they appreciated how calm and smooth things were running with TerribleBoss on leave and that it was so nice not to receive 2am rants about random things. And this was how I learned she wasn’t just drunk emailing us, but also sending crazy rants to all of senior management. I have no idea why she wasn’t fired.

  83. Roman Holiday*

    An acquaintance with a lot of seniority and capital set up his out-of-office email to something along the lines of, “I am on vacation and will respond infrequently and with great indifference”. I aspire to give as few Fs as that guy.

    3. BeenThere*

      Wish I had the guts to go that far. I am, however, to put on my OOO that I will not be checking email (when I’m on vacation). But including some as WGAF as this would be awesome!

  84. Kate*

    The CCO of the ad agency I worked at sent out an all-agency blast about someone repeatedly wiping boogers on the wall above one of the urinals in the men’s room. I guess I don’t fault him for doing it!

    1. loslothluin*

      At my last job, we had a gender neutral bathroom. The guys wiped boogers and crap on the walls. I only know it was the guys since it stopped once they were forced to clean it up.

    2. Cassandra Lease*

      What is WITH the booger thing? When one of my previous companies moved from a crappy warehouse to a nice corporate office complex with restrooms shared between multiple companies, department-wide e-mails started going out saying that people had started wiping boogers off on the bathroom walls and telling everyone to cut it out because this was a nice building and should be treated with respect. Who is doing this crap, and why are they not just wiping their boogers off on toilet paper or something?

  85. Hermione Stranger*

    During my brother’s time in college, his school sent out an email concerning the Ebola scare a few years ago. Mostly outlining everything they were doing to mitigate the risk to students, where to go for resources if you believed you were infected, etc. One student somehow ‘replied all’ to the entire listserve of current students, staff, faculty, and alumni with something along the lines of “I better not get Ebola at this dirty a** school!”

  86. Kara*

    At a company I used to work for, an employee quit with a spectacular, conspiracy theory filled email rant, sent from his private email to all employees in the company. I no longer have a copy of the email, but suffice to say there were accusations of:
    Black mold in the walls causing neurological damages to all employees.
    Secret surveillance systems set up to record every word and movement- we did have a rather good security system, but it was pretty obvious and in public, legal areas.
    The CEO randomly driving by his house at night to make sure he, the employee, was where he said he was.
    EMF poisoning because the company’s server room was too close to his office.

    The email was a treat. We all blamed our various ailments on EMF poisoning from then on. Because who wouldn’t?

  87. EEK! The Manager*

    Here’s one of my favorites that I received when I was on the all-staff list at an elementary school:

    From: School nurse
    Subject: Pee-soaked pants
    Message: Someone left a pair of pee-soaked pants in my office this morning. What’s your plan for those?

    Surprisingly, there was no reply . . .

    1. irene adler*

      Nobody had the guts to ask if the school nurse might launder the pants and make sure they are neatly folded by the door for student to wear home this afternoon?

      I’m shocked.

  88. Anon Not An Attorney*

    Ahhh, the day I’ve been waiting for. This was from ~2 years ago, when a member of my team doing finance work at a Big Law firm (Amlaw 200) sent a very reasonable email to an attorney, who replied with this lovely diatribe about how important his time was and didn’t give any thought to the firm’s billing policies when replying… it would’ve been loads quicker just to answer the question:

    [employee name],

    I do want to take a minute to add the following re this request (which is the second one I’ve received from you today). Please make sure that anytime you ask one of the lawyers to do something it really is necessary for he or she to answer the questions you ask or prepare the items you ask to be prepared. Because each and every email you send and request you make takes time to respond to (and I’m often working late into the evening already as are many of the lawyers). The more time I and other lawyers spend answering this sort of question is less time we have to work on billable matters, mentor others, and spend with our families. You’ve sent me two of these emails just today.

    So, for example, in my judgment the fact that my rate is 3% below the standard [already discounted] rate is really not a big deal. Now, if it was 20% below it might merit an email. But 3% is quite small. Perhaps your instructions are that anytime the rates differ at all from the standard rates you need to find out the reason why. If so, then I suggest you first reach out to the lawyers assistant, not the lawyer himself (and don’t copy the lawyer on that email).

    Also, the language you highlighted about the long term payment structure we may put in place. Why exactly do you need me to elaborate on it? What were you planning to do with the whatever I would prepare for you?

    I know you guys do a great job and it is important we have our administrative groups making sure us lawyers do what we need to do. But that needs to be balanced against the fact that the lawyers need to be able to focus on doing good billable work for clients. And those of us who are business generators need to also generate business and do good, billable work. We don’t want the firm to become one where the administrative burdens of bringing in new work become higher than the benefits of those administrative rules. Every single email we receive requires time and mental energy to respond to – and we all have a limited supply of both.

    Thanks!

    Matt

  89. SystemsAdministrator*

    (There’s an email at the end of this story, and a monster at the end of the book, Grover. Just takes a setup to get there)

    At the old job (Managed Service Provider Help Desk and Consulting), we had a wunderkind of sorts. Favored by an owner, really bright guy, could get away with anything because he was presumed to be working hard on whatever pet projects that the owner had, and didn’t really answer to anyone. Got a couple wrist slaps for bothering the guy when I needed help, but if he showed up at my desk, I was expected to bow and get to work on whatever he needed done.

    But then, he decides to get a puppy. A full standard poodle puppy. Puppy couldn’t be trusted to stay home, so Puppy got brought to work. Everyone loves Puppy! Yay Puppy! Puppy gets bigger, Puppy makes big puppy noises, runs around the office like he owns it, and generally disturbs coworkers and customers alike. Customers complain there are dog barks during calls, customers that come in get barked at and harassed. But it’s a puppy! He’s just being playful.

    One day, over the cube wall, I hear a coworker loudly exclaim “WHAT THE FUCK?!” and then I see an email from the same coworker.

    To: All Employees
    Subject: THIS IS WHY DOGS SHOULDN’T BE ALLOWED IN THE OFFICE
    Body:

    Puppy! took a poop on the floor in his work area. This was the last straw for an already over-worked, under-appreciated fellow, someone that not a lot of people liked because he was short-tempered and no-bullshit, but was very even keeled. Coworker gave his two weeks notice that day, Puppy! owner was told to get dog day care starting the first of the next week, and I got an email in my “don’t toss” file that I should have taken with me on the way out the door.

    1. SystemsAdministrator*

      That should have been [pictureofdogpoop.jpg] in the body, used angle brackets, got eaten as HTML.

      1. Rebecca in Dallas*

        Haha that reminds me of a coworker who used to bring her adorable dog Oliver into the office occasionally. He was generally well-behaved but one day I just heard, “Oliver, NO!” Oliver had soiled the carpet (thankfully in his owner’s office). Poor little Oliver was not ever brought to the office again. :(

  90. NapaKat*

    When marketing cleans out our office fridge you get very colorful recaps of what was found:

    “Dear all,

    The admin fridge has been emptied and cleaned; a few items were deemed fit to stay but that majority is now in the outside dumpster.

    Contrary to widespread assumption, there was nothing found that resembled fish in any capacity. Instead, examples of what was purged include:

    – What looked to be carnitas at one point, in a take-out container, with something that resembled a fuzzy, gray mouse growing on them
    – Bright-orange hearts of palm with black mushroom-like growths coming out of them
    – A bag, allegedly containing arugula, but now the only contents was a brown, murky water which spilled everywhere when picking it up
    – A homemade steak-salad, I believe, but I could not tell if the blue cheese was intentional or it was an accidental form of mold given the state of the lettuce and smell
    – A large empty Tupperware container

    I think we can all agree none of those belong in a public refrigerator and I hope we can be a little more considerate of our colleagues, workspace, and food waste as we go ahead.

    Many thanks to Coworker for the voluntary, and unexpected, help.

    Enjoy your weekends.”

    There were lots of jokes about this being a motivation to not clean up the fridge, from a pure entertainment perspective.

  91. Secretary*

    When I was in college, I studied in the Creative Arts Department (music, dance and theatre). When an interm dean of the department came on board and considered cutting the dance program, there was a lot of political unrest.

    Important context: We would often get emails from the department on different things happening that gave news that was necessary, so there was a culture of all students and faculty checking email consistently. Also you had to asked to be removed from this list after graduating, but most alums just kept the email open in case of shows they wanted to come see.

    Well. A tenured music professor took one of these emails, hit “reply all” for EVERY. ONE. IN. THE. DEPARTMENT… past, present, and future. He sent a long, rambling email about the issues he was unhappy with.

    THEN. Students who also had strong opinions started responding by hitting “reply all”. So there was this crazy battle that the department couldn’t stop. It was a whole thing. If I can access my old records I’ll post here but it was crazy!

  92. Nita*

    The anti-rant: an all-staff reminder about the proper protocol for reporting accidents and damage to the company car. This was very restrained, considering that shortly before it happened, one of our department cars was returned to the garage badly damaged without a word to anyone. I do believe the culprit was fired once HR figured out who it was.

    The creepy email: an inquiry to the entire department about whether everyone is OK, because bloodstains were seen in the men’s room. Never did find out what that was about… although, to my knowledge, there were no serious injuries that day.

  93. Jackalope*

    I work for a fairly large company and we have two large coffee pots in little kitchenettes on each floor of the building. Generally, the people on that floor are responsible for making the coffee when it runs out. Apparently, this does not always go smoothly as about a year ago this wonderful letter went out to everyone whose office is on my floor. It was clearly sent in partial jest, but that doesn’t detract from how amazing it was. I have a screenshot of the email saved to my pictures, both at work and at home. Now, you have to imagine this in different sized fonts, centered, and with some lines in bold red letters to really get an idea of how wonderful this is.

    COFFEGATE SCANDAL ON (redacted)4th FLOOR!!!
    Full story below
    PLEASE PRESS BREW ONCE, AND ONLY PRESS BREW WHEN THE POT IS TOTALLY EMPTY
    Breaking Kitchen News:
    (redacted)4th Floor has a reputation to live down
    On Wednesday, we have reason to believe that someone pushed the BREW button twice,
    causing massive spillage of coffee into the drawers below.
    Yet again this has happened, gentle reader.

    The underside of the lip of the counter has swollen and warped.
    The middle drawer has burn bubbles in it.
    The bottom drawer had about an inch of coffee in it.

    This damage has been there a while, but this is the first time
    That the Facilities High Person has seen it.

    The Facilities High Person (I don’t know her or her name) was
    Almost in tears (well, seriously distressed…)
    WE are the only floor whose kitchen is being ruined by overeager coffee drinkers.
    No other floor presses the brew button twice, as often as we do, or even ever.
    Perhaps it si an interloper from (redacted but different building) who is sabotaging us, but this cannot be proved.

    Some people must start to attend coffeeholics anonymous or take meditation classes to learn patience and restraint.
    They shall remain nameless
    (As I don’t know who they are either.)

    I have been advised that when Facilities bought these kitchens,
    They knew that there were no replacement parts, so we have to live with this.
    Until we are moved, die or retire, whichever comes first.

    From this day forward, please
    ONLY PRESS THE BREW BUTTON ONCE
    ONLY FILL THE POT WHEN IT IS EMPTY

    There, I’ve said it three times :)
    Thank you.
    (Sender’s Name)

    2. That Would be a Good Band Name*

      This is amazing. And “gentle reader” – did you work with Stephen King?

  94. lnelson1218*

    Just remembered another one.
    I was tasked with sending out a company wide email.
    Actually said: “Would the individual who left several articles of clothing in the kitchen, please fetch them.”
    Wanted to say “Would that idiot (jack***) who left his boxers in the kitchen get them”
    But being in HR and told that we have to careful what we say…..

  95. Indie*

    I was once reprimanded for something I didn’t do while a student teacher on an ‘address all’ email. My university-based mentor sent it to her team of colleagues and some university higher ups while copying me in:

    Almost a week after leaving her placement, Indie still has pupils’ books unmarked and not returned to them.

    It should be of particular concern to Indie for the following reasons:

    First, she is causing great inconvenience to pupils and to staff at a school which has devoted enormous amounts of time and energy over the last three months in trying to support her in reaching an acceptable professional standard.

    This makes her successful completion of the placement impossible.

    Her behaviour is putting at risk a longstanding and successful relationship between school and university.

    She is also currently discussing employment terms with another school for September.

    I hope we can resolve this matter very soon..

    I basically responded that the books, fully marked should still be in the classroom in their dedicated cubby hole where I left them.(Apparently they were, they just hadn’t checked) and that I was available by phone at any time something needed to be checked with me.

    I’ve never worked out why a mass audience was considered the way to go!

    2. Ama*

      Ah, the academia mass email complaint. I bet in the history of the universe you can count on one hand the number of times one of those contained a legitimate complaint and not something the writer either had misinterpreted or had screwed up their own selves.

      Signed, an ex-university admin who was once cc’d on an email to her boss and grandboss complaining that I was wasting food because the previous night’s reception cheese platter was in the trash. It was in the trash because the email writer had left it sitting out the night before while snacking (which he wasn’t supposed to be doing) and it got infested with ants.

    3. Jan*

      A manager at my last job used to do that if you made a mistake. I made a minor error one day, and when she emailed me about it, she CC’d the whole team. I was fuming but managed to send a polite reply back (just to her) saying I appreciated the feedback, but in future, please don’t CC other people, unless they also oversee my work. She never acknowledged that, but didn’t do it again. I did leave because of her though, as she wasn’t supportive. I busk full time on the streets now and I’ve never been happier! Sod “proper” jobs and their stuck-up management who treat staff like children.

      1. Flash Bristow*

        Just had to state that I’m really glad you’ve found a way of life that suits you and makes you happy. Not everyone finds something that fits for them – some people don’t even realise that the classic daily grind *doesnt* fit for them, and just assume everyone is as miserable or disillusioned – but you’ve gone out and found something that suits you, and made it work.

        I’m in awe (and more than a tiny bit jealous!)

        Also as a former busker (in the school holidays, and when a penniless student) I know it takes cohones to do and a lot of street smarts (which I don’t have…) So again, huge congrats and just a smattering of jealousy.

        I wish everyone could find a way to earn a living doing something they love / to love the way they manage to make a living.

  96. Former Help Desk Peon*

    In my old, large corporate employer with 100s of locations, there was a vmail that was notorious not for content, but for effect…

    See, our email servers went down. Tons and tons of people are calling the help desk, only a fraction are getting through, mass confusion, etc. So, the CIO decides to step up and spread the word and halt the chaos, by sending a broadcast vmail to everyone in the company with a phone on our internal system. Only, he rambles soooooo long that it cuts him off at the 2 minute mark, and sends that out. He feels that his message wasn’t sufficiently clear, so he sends a second one. And takes down the whole internal phone system. The help desk silently cheers, because now at least no one can call us.

    We printed signs and stuck them on the entrance doors.

  97. ragazza*

    Not an email, but there are currently three (3) signs in our women’s restroom about keeping it clean. The best part is that it warns not to flush “feminine hygiene productions” down the toilet. Sometimes they are productions, amirite ladies?

    **note: please do not use in roundup, ty!

    2. annejumps*

      Although ours does not say “productions,” we do have one posted over each of the feminine hygiene bins that was so vague yet intriguing that I had to ask what spurred it, and the creator said that the janitor told her that someone has been (still! even after the signs!) putting …soiled toilet paper in the feminine hygiene bins, on both of our floors. Turns out property management is very picky over the wording that can be used in signs like this.

      1. nym*

        In many parts of the world, soiled TP is disposed of in a bin next to the toilet rather than flushed, often because the water pressure or sewer system can’t handle the TP. This might actually be one where another sign about “it’s okay to flush your TP but not your tampons” would help!

        Last time I worked in an office where indoor plumbing was a novelty and municipal sewers nonexistent, we had an informative sign on the inside of the stall doors reminding people not to attempt to flush TP, newspapers, t-shirts, water bottles, or plastic bags. With pictograms, not words. I giggled every time.

        1. Electric Pangolin*

          Speaking of signs, I absolutely love the signs in the changing rooms here reading “Please use hair dryers for drying hair ON HEAD only!”

        2. Flash Bristow*

          That reminds me, I travel on Virgin Trains (in the UK). As you sit to do your business a voice starts playing… “Hi, it’s me, the toilet…” and goes on to ask if we’d do a really big favour and not flush tampons, baby wipes (and so on) down the toilet. It’s a really twee message, and you can’t kill it. Carries on about “still, it could be worse, I used to be a public toilet and this is so much better!” and so on. Ends with “and… Oh! I’ll leave you to it!”

          Not only is it the most irritating twee shit ever, but I startle easily and every time it began, I jumped. Not pleasant, given a) the location and b) that I was having a bad day (on my way home, with festival tummy…) – it made a bad train trip more awful.

          I wasn’t gonna flush a tampon in the first place, FFS!!!

  98. Mallory Janis Ian*

    At a previous job, our phones had a feature allowing people to send mass telephone messages directly to everyone’s voicemail inboxes. One of our accounting people sent out a company-wide voicemail from the bathroom chastising people for not replacing the toilet paper roll. She started out with how frustrating it is to be sitting on the toilet and to reach for the toilet paper and find nothing, anywhere, but an empty roll. She went on to say how easy it is to replace a toilet paper roll and how little regard we must all have for our fellow coworkers if we couldn’t take the time to do such a simple task.

    I saved that voicemail on my phone for a LONG TIME for whenever I needed to laugh.

  99. Herald of Storms*

    It is so long I’m going to summarize and cut a few bits, food service but still entertaining.

    MUST READ – Do Not Procrastinate – Immediate ACTION Required

    Unfortunately, my generosity has been taken advantage of throughout the year and in particular, recently. From now on, that will not be the case.

    Customer Service – you need to be perfect. Our customers deserve your full attention, your biggest smile, and your best attitude. Anything short of that is failure. Greet them when they walk in. Don’t stand at the back counter or the register. Go talk to them. Go around and stand by their side. Put a menu in their hand. Don’t even think about sending them back towards the door to get a menu.

    Work Ethic – this has been absolutely atrocious. The job is not only when there are customers in the store. It’s very clear that when you’re not pushed, you’re not going to do anything you don’t have to. Well now you have to. I know how much business we get every day, every night, and from every delivery service. And I have worked more shifts than any of you; I know how much time everything takes. I expect everything to be accomplished, and more. Any lists need to be 100% completed. And once that’s completed, do more.

      1. Herald of Storms*

        There was far too much work for far too little people (5 different delivery services going while we also helped customers) and federal minimum wage. The coworkers I had when I started were all gone by the time I left, the turnover was ridiculous

    3. Indie*

      “Go around and stand by their side. Put a menu in their hand” Was the subject heading ‘How to be creepy?’

      Uggggh a thousand deaths to the manager who refuses to create a finish line. There’s always more work to invent!

  100. LADY GLITTER SPARKLES*

    *cracks knuckles* I have a few that I want to share but as I read this, I can’t believe I use to deal with this. Just reading these again are so humorous. This is an ACTUAL email that I saved from (edited due to the names for a reason):

    Just a reminder so there is NO MORE confusion about the new stuff up front:

    THE TALLIES: WE SO APPRECIATE THIS!!!! The point of this is to compare what our marketing of the property is to the amount of sign calls/ INTERNET leads/ etc. that the firm receives.
    It is important so we can gather some data on what marketing is working, which isn’t… which works best, etc., etc. As well as to confirm that calls are being placed to the correct TEAPOT SALES.
    THE TALLIES ARE TO BE DONE IN THE COLOR PENS LIKE WE DISCUSSED. It seems really silly to print out a new list EVERYDAY when the most calls on TEAPOT LEADS yall have taken was 8 in one day.
    This is to help us record things, but let’s be smart about it, not wasteful. :)

    TEAPOT PROGRAM: Please do not close the TEAPOT program at ANY TIME on EITHER of the front admin. Computers. This is so important in case we miss a call we can see who called, when, why it was missed, and if we need to reach that person…. We clearly need the information on the log. Let’s keep this in mind and remember to NEVER close it. (It also doesn’t help us fix glitches in the system when one of the main TEAPOT HANDLE is closed out.)

    Mail: Mail is to be done by the TEAPOT ASSISTANTS. THAT IS ALL OF YOU. It is NOT one particular
    persons job to OR TO NOT do mail. Please help each other out and remember that no one likes work to be pawned off onto them when it is someone else’s equal responsibility. Lets keep ALL of this in mind and everyone put forth efforts to take care of LODGE INDUSTRIES as a company. Of course, this goes for packages, etc. Take them to the TEAPOT SALES or whoever needs them. Also, please update the mail instructions. (I know that there are a few things wrong pertaining to me and HIRAM LODGE so I can only assume there might be a couple other things. Either way maybe we could verbally check with everyone and make sure nothing have been added or removed from the list.)

    PHONE CALLS: Lets answer them as they come in. We all know that sometimes you girls are running around like crazy and there WILL be missed calls. It happens to everyone!!!! We just need to make an effort not to let it happen too often or our clients get frustrated, deals get missed, relationships with clients get strained, and TEAPOT SALES get upset. (NONEEEEEEEE of this is good for a productive work environment.) so of course, things happen… but lets just make an effort to answer the calls during the day. That is why there are two people up front, after all. :)

    SCHEDULE: In the last meeting we had with myself, ARCHIE ANDREWS, VERONICA, and BETTY COOPER it was presented that schedules would be changing. There are reasons for this and if you have ANY QUESTIONS at all please, please come talk to ARCHIE or myself!!!!! We’re trying to keep things fair and productive and welcome all ideas on how to do this!!! The front is a VERY important part of LODGE INDUSTRIES, if not the most important. You establish all contact with clients and other TEAPOT SALES, etc. so we want it to go smoothly. However, smoothly requires we work together and do our part to ensure new policies are being upheld and that they have the opportunity to be as progressive as possible when implemented.

    Thank you girls for your help. EVERYONE here knows that you are our backbone and help keep us on the road to success. We need to revisit a few things in the office and appreciate your efforts in cooperating and communicating with us. Everything you have to offer or any ideas you may have are more than welcome; and your energies are appreciated.

    1. J.B.*

      Girls…ugh. I wonder what kind of results they could get by speaking to employees as adults?

        1. ThatAspie*

          I know someone who writes like this. Unfortunately, I used to have to live with this person, who was even worse in person than in writing. But this person once wrote a note to all the rest of us unlucky enough to live in that household, with random words in all-caps, random swearing, and many parts that didn’t make sense. It ended, memorably, with the sentence, “Call me if I’m NOT home!!!!!!”

    3. Friday*

      You girls, with your crazy running around…. stop running because you are the backbone…. now go answer the phone.

  101. AnonForThisOne*

    I used to work with a very emotional person with tons of family and medical issues. She was excellent at her job, but always stressed by one thing or another. At one point she got permission to temporarily telework while she was healing from back surgery. She was on pain meds, some of which were VERY strong and left her completely loopy, affecting her work quality. I was able to intercept most of her stuff to proof it before it went to the customer (a federal agency).

    Unfortunately I wasn’t able to intercept the emotional outpouring email she sent out late one night, thanking very high ranking officials at the government agency for all their support during this horrible time of her life, with her back problems, her son in-law’s possible cancer, her daughter’s high risk pregnancy…and so on. (All in one email; I was copied on it.)

    Only the fact that she really was an outstanding performer 95% of the time saved her. Although we made her reroute all communications through me or my boss for a good while.

    (Please don’t include in round-up.)

  102. Eliza Jane*

    Oh my goodness. I don’t have the exact wording anymore, but this was a doozy from around a decade ago.

    My company was working as subcontractors for a tech company. We had sent one of our top technical people to Singapore to be present and responsive at the client site, while the rest of us worked US East Coast time, 12 hours off. The problem was, he was the person who knew the most about the project, so we constantly needed to ask questions, and at times, people would even call, waking him up.

    He’d been there for 3 weeks, getting sick (turns out he had bronchitis), and barely sleeping. One call finally pushed him over the edge, and he sent a message to EVERYONE — our company, the company we were subcontracting for, and the client company. It wasn’t exactly an all-hands email, but there were around 50 people on the mail: everyone he had ever interacted with on the project.

    It basically called everyone an idiot, said we were all incompetent to participate in the project, called the client out on needing constant handholding, ripped the contracting company for crappy project management, and accused my CEO of trying to drive him insane.

    He was on a flight home 12 hours later, and got a very, very well-deserved vacation while we did damage control. We salvaged the project!

  103. BF*

    I am a contractor at a gvmnt site. One day I received a memo that I had to sign and send back immediately stating that I understood that it was a fireable offense to intentionally drop something onto a co-worker from a ladder.
    We wondered for quite some time about what happened to cause the memo.
    Since we had 4 different companies represented in the office, there was a running debate over who could drop things on whom and not get fired.

    2. ThatAspie*

      Wow, what the heck led to that memo!? How many times did people intentionally drop stuff onto each other from on ladders to necessitate an entire spiel about it!?

  104. Q without U*

    The new VP of a unit that was known for having problematic customer service sent out a very matter-of-fact email outlining the upcoming changes that were going to improve things. It was a good, detailed email, meant to reassure the employees that their problems had been heard and they were working to address them, but this line made me laugh out loud:

    “Speaking of the website, in the future it will become a tool to help you do what you need to do instead of a puzzle to try and navigate.”

  105. Yep that's Me!*

    My company set up an internal group of people interested in Hispanic issues and/or who who would like to outreach to that community. We’re a very diverse company so setting up or participating in such a group is no big deal. Well a meeting was set up for those who wished to participate and the Admin Asst on behalf of a company VP sent the invite and in error, rather than sending it to the individuals who expressed interest, sent it to our whole location of like 600 employees. Well one person, who is Hispanic, replied back and copied all saying something along the lines of “Remove me from this list. I’m offended you just assume I’d want to participate. I don’t even speak Spanish!” If she had looked at the “To” email address she would’ve seen “ALL, North Division of we suck less than our competitors” so would’ve known it wasn’t singled out to her personally. Well the rest of us figured it went to the wrong people in error so just deleted the email. About an hour later, the VP who was referenced in the email replied all, said it was sent in error to the wrong group and that the person who did reply was addressed appropriately about how you professionally communicate with others!

  106. saradesel*

    I worked at a 150 person company. Every summer, staff were allowed to wear flip flops to work. They were not on the list of things you could not wear in the company handbook. My last summer there, they sent an email reiterating the list and adding flip flops to it. Everyone was angry and kept wearing them anyway – the office was over a mile from the nearest subway stop and so it was often easier to wear flips into the office and then change into more professional shoes if necessary.

    I had put in my notice, and it was my last week at the company. On Tuesday, I wore flip flops the entire day and no one said anything. On Wednesday, I walked by the VP of HR’s office wearing them and was called in. She looked at me and said “I hope you have other shoes. Otherwise, we will send you home to change and dock your pay accordingly.” I was THREE working days from leaving the company.

    I borrowed shoes from a friend for the day because I had been taking home my things piecemeal since giving my notice. Later that day, a company-wide email was sent:
    “Please pay particular note to the restriction of wearing flip flops to the office. It does not matter what the shoe is made of – rubber, leather, vinyl – if it looks like a flip flop or thong, then it is one. These pose a safety hazard in the workplace. If you are seen wearing them around the office, your manager or someone from HR will ask you to change your shoes or to return home with the equivalent loss of base pay for the day.”

    Frankly, I was completely delighted that I was the cause of a company-wide email three days before I left, and my department decorated my cubicle with flip flop pictures accordingly.

  107. Jane Gloriana Villanueva*

    oh gosh thank you for collecting these… I’ve been savoring one in particular for 9 years as of next Tuesday (thank you time stamps!)
    Scene: govt agency. Jethro was one of my supervisors; Ellie Mae was the longest-serving govt staffer – excellent at her job (a president’s award was renamed after her), but suuuuuuper eccentric. Most of my best stories from the job involve her. Jethro is approximately 10 years younger than Ellie, and 25 years older than I.

    “At 2:00 or a little after today I plan to defrost and clean the refrigerator in [room]. If you have anything that you would prefer not to be left unrefrigerated for about 2 hours, please take to break room refrigerator just a few steps up the hall towards the elevators until notified. I will e mail you once the task is finished. I don’t think the condiments will be a problem on the counter if you’d prefer to leave them. I won’t throw them out.
    Everything else will be placed on the counter or thrown away while cleaning.
    Thanks,
    Jethro”

    Response:
    “Ah, at last, the torch (defrosting of the refrigerator) has been passed. I am pleased that this delicate, and now, little known skill, has been passed to the younger generation. I defrosted the refrigerator 3 times a year for 20+ years so that it would be easier to accomplish because of the smaller accumulation of frost/ice than Jethro confronts today.
    You are a good man Jethro for accepting this thankless chore.
    Ellie Mae”

    2. BeenThere*

      Is it the same fridge for 20 years?? If so, they’d probably be a lot better off asking Uncle Jed to buy a new more efficient one that wouldn’t require so much maintenance!

  108. the_peanut_kind*

    My company likes to do soup, chili, and cornbread cook offs about once a year. We normally get a fairly good turnout of contestants and enough soup for everyone to have a little taste of everything. A few years ago, for whatever reason, only 3 people signed up and brought in their best soups. Our party committee sent out a pretty standard email to our location’s email group stating that they would be cancelling the contest due to low turnout. Not a big deal. A little disappointing, but everyone moves on. Except not everyone could let it go. One of the contestants replied all to not only our location (the only people who would have had soup), but to our global email list. People in Europe, China, and the other side of the country all got to see her utter disgust and disappointment that she had carried her soup all the way into the building and now would have to carry it all the way back to her car and that it had all been a waste. I remember there being at least one “Really?!?!” in the reply.

    I worked with this person on a fairly regular basis and she didn’t let it go easily after that either.

    1. Queen of the File*

      Was there a prize?? That happened at our workplace once. Only one person entered a competition, and management then cancelled the competition due to low numbers without awarding the prize to anyone. The prize was pretty nominal (along the lines of a $5 gift card) but the lone competitor couldn’t shake off the injustice for weeks afterwards.

      1. BeenThere*

        People get really…. really really… invested in these things. I don’t, and I don’t understand those that do, but I have seen people get extremely upset because an event like this was cancelled and they couldn’t show off their chili-making skills!

        1. ThatAspie*

          I think it’s feeling unappreciated and also the whole “I did all that work for nothing” thing. Plus, people connect food with accomplishment and love and other strong feelings like that, which means that equally strong feelings apply when food is “rejected”.

  109. cathammock*

    Too many to recount, and none that I can share verbatim. Such as…

    The one when an entry-level staff person had brewed a batch of flavored coffee in the communal coffeepot, provoking an all-staff email from the President & CEO that this was unforgivable and anyone caught brewing flavored coffee in the future would have their kitchen privileges revoked.

    The one when a disgruntled staff person sent an all-staff email response to a Director’s instructions to not send all-staff emails about HR complaints, explaining that it was preferable for them to have these conversations publicly in the interest of “full transparency” and “accessibility.”

    Or the one when a just-terminated staff person sent an all-staff email responding to his termination, written in rhyming couplets.

  110. AnotherSarah*

    I was a short-term (9 month) researcher at a research center, along with about 5 others. The usual work space we used was being renovated, so we were moved to offices on a different floor, sharing space with a different group.
    The head of this group (whom we saw literally every day and said hi to, etc.) send an email to every person who conceivable was “managing” us (though we were researchers, not staff, so). It asked them to tell us to please wash our dishes AND ALSO DRY THEM with the paper towels. There was a drying rack. It had to be about us.

    She left soon afterwards.

  111. irene adler*

    Found customer order confirmation faxes (yes, this was a few years back) where the CFO would write little notes to the customer. You know, “thank you for your order” or “we really appreciate your business”. Unfortunately, in her efforts to make nice, CFO would tell customer X just how wonderful they were to deal with by going into great detail as to just how awful certain other customers were. Even to the point of insulting their looks. No names were mentioned, but I’m sure anyone reading her words would be uncomfortable with the trash talk.

    These confirmation faxes containing her comments were circulated to the appropriate departments to process the order. A lot of cringing occurred.

  112. Oh so anon for this one*

    My company is US-based, with a global footprint – tens of thousands of employees. We’re split into three main divisions, and a couple of years ago a colleague in the Llama-Wool division who was visiting my office showed me a Reply-all email from an employee in Llama-Wool, responding to an email survey/question of “Would you recommend Global Llamas as a place to work?” which had been sent by the head of that division. I’m in the Llama-Racing division so sadly don’t have the actual email.

    This Reply-All, to a full third of Global Llamas, started with the phrase “Hell, NO! I wouldn’t recommend Global Llamas to anyone I like or respect” and then went on to elaborate about the lack of work-life balance, short-term thinking, and a number of other issues he was unhappy about. I wish I could remember more, because the rant was a thing of beauty.

    Clearly, however, the head of Llama-Wool was less impressed and presumably got IT to shut down any responses, FAST, as nothing more was seen from that email chain. Sadly (but not surprisingly) nothing more was heard from that employee either.

  113. Anon for this one*

    I can’t find the email text, but in a long career, one stands out:

    Working at a VERY liberal, prestigious small liberal arts college around 2004, an email was sent around the campus about a tree. I am trying to remember the particulars, but here is the gist:

    Apparently, the large Oak right outside the administration building was diseased, and needed to be cut down. Faculty, staff, students and alumni were invited to community meetings held at the foot of the tree to discuss their feelings and memories about the tree. People were offered twigs from the tree as keepsakes, and we were assured that the wood from the tree would be used responsibly – making tables for use on campus, and the remainder recycled in environmentally responsible ways. I believe an online comment area was created for people to write about the tree to be saved in perpetuity.

    I am not making this up.

    1. Good Times!*

      Unless this was a common occurrence at small liberal arts colleges, we went to the same school! I still have a small chunk of the tree in my car.

    4. bookends*

      This is definitely a different liberal arts college (different years!) but I had almost the same experience. My alma mater lost a beautiful, old tree on campus to a storm a year or two ago. It had been my favorite tree, and apparently others’ too. I’m not sure if twigs were handed out, but a botany professor analyzed its age and history, and the wood was used for something meaningful. All of it was prominent on their social media.

    5. JG Wave*

      I definitely went to this college, lol. I was a history major, and in one of our assignments we had to research the college’s history and write a paper either proposing a hypothetical memorial for the campus, or analyzing a memorial that had actually taken place, and one of my classmates wrote about this tree and the whole process you’re describing. It was a very good example of some modern memory theorists…

  114. Lora*

    The best all-company email ever, of which I only have a printout somewhere at home (but will endeavor to find, it was awesome) was from an engineer who fancied himself a poet in his spare time. The poem was about a prototype test rig he’d been asked to build, which he was proud to tell us he had completed. He wrote it in English, which was admittedly his third or fourth language. There were many bat metaphors (like, the little furry rabies-infested critter); I’m not sure why bats? the prototype itself was a lighting system and you could vary the light intensity via computer. It was several pages long. At the end he apologized for the poem’s length, as he wrote it when he had had too much coke.

    3. Sam Yao*

      REFLEXIVE CHIROPTERA DEFENDER: Bats CAN be infested with rabies but the vast majority are perfectly fine and minding their own business. As always, if you find one on the ground, do not pick it up.

  115. Coat*

    About 8 years ago this happened:
    From: Whoever
    To: All staff Germany
    About: Coat

    Hello,
    When I was in the staff canteen on blah I hung my coat on one of the coat racks. When I came back after lunch it was gone. Whoever took it, put it back!

    The 5000 employees in Germany at the time were spread over 5 cities. The site this happened at had about 2500 employees at the time.
    And we were sharing the canteen of another company with about 10000 people at this site.

    The reply all chain was epic. People were wondering whether to share with the colleagues in France, China and the US.

    Management replied twice. Once to tell people to cut it out. And once to say that anyone replying after this message would get a write up.

    A few people did get a write up.

    And IT disabled the reply all button in outlook. The keyboard shortcut still worked.

    The reply all button came back earlier this year.

  116. Ingalls*

    To: All Users
    From: HR Manager

    Whoever took my zebra-handled scissors should return them immediately or I will hunt you down. It won’t be pretty.

    From: General Manager
    To: All Users

    It wasn’t me.

    (15 minutes later)
    From: HR Manager
    To: All Users
    The scissors have been found

    From: General Manager
    To: All Users

    Who had them?

    From: HR Manager
    To: All Users

    Uh. I did. Sorry.

  117. EMW*

    There’s the classic reply all, with the please stop replying all.

    Our IT system sent out an email about one of our SAP systems being down in the middle of the night. These are pretty standard emails typically. What was not standard was people being able to reply all to it!
    So there’s all these third shift workers who are commenting that they were still having trouble with the issue and the status of the system at their site. I awoke to 50 emails just due to this. The CEO’s admin had to reply all asking people to stop replying all.

    I now filter all the IT system issue emails out of my inbox.

  118. Anon for this number 42*

    I am an academic – I teach and do research at a university which includes both words in its mission statement, loudly and clearly. Pay and conditions for academics are set at national level (UK) and last spring there was a dispute between the academic-and-professional-staff union and the employers negotiating body over threatened cuts to pensions.

    Our Vicd Chancellor (CEO) sent an all staff email explaining that cuts were essential because the university couldn’t afford to “deliver its core business of teaching and research” and pay academics.

    We can’t work out how this person thought they would deliver that core business without the people who, uh, actually do those things.

    Needless to say there are new buildings going up all over the place… and staff headcount is down…

    1. Think on it*

      The same strike at my uni fuelled an angry email argument between a union rep and the Dean of a School … over an all-staff mailing list, no less.

      The Dean resigned in a brief email the next day. Also sent to all-staff!

      We’re recruiting for their replacement…

      There was an awful tone-deaf email from our VC as well about the strikes. It has been a fraught year in UK HE.

  119. Master Bean Counter*

    My boss sent out an email to the entire office about the Men’s bathroom. Apparently some one did not leave it in good shape. The problems with this email were:
    1. All of the female staff got it, and none of us ever use the men’s room.
    2. We were all alerted to a problem that most of us could have lived with out knowing about.
    3. The likely offender was the visiting auditor, who did not get the email.

  120. Esbee*

    Not mine, my sibling shared this with me. This was a very high ranking person.
    :)

    To: all staff

    Fortunately, today is my last day at [company ]. I want to take a moment to thank all those who were a friend to me and helped make these last two years bearable.

    To all those who have made my time here extremely challenging, and I’m sure most of the building is aware of who these individuals are, I hope you are able to one day show your colleagues (and your employees) the respect and common decency that you so often preach about offering [insert client identifier here].

    To my team [Identifier], I will miss all of you dearly, but know that I am moving on to bigger and better things. I will always be just a phone call away, even for questions about blocking [identifier]. [Name] and [Name], please take care of my team and good luck in the future.

    Love,
    [name]

    PS. [name] and [name], if you actually took the time to read this to the end, I invite you to tenderly suck my asshole.

  121. Aunt Vixen*

    My first job after college was at an intellectual property law firm. Not long before I got there, so the story goes, someone had tried to send a particularly inappropriate email (I believe involving impressive male nudity) to her friend Pat – but mistakenly sent it to all the patent lawyers. She was gone by the end of the day, and I’ve never used my work address for personal email ever.

  122. SRF*

    One day, at an old job, I received a memo from management stating that if a certain percentage of your time worked wasn’t “billable”, they wouldn’t pay you for the non-billable time you worked. The next day, we all got a memo saying that our job had been relisted in the local paper’s top 100 places to work…

  123. Deryn*

    I used to work at a bakery that kept various liquors on hand for specialty cakes. One day I wake up to this mass text (which I screenshotted for posterity) from our manager:

    “Hi everyone! This message is for the person that has been drinking or stealing the tequila. Maybe you didn’t think I would notice but I’ve been monitoring the amount of tequila that we have and it continues to go down. If I catch anyone drinking the tequila or taking it from the store you will be fired immediately. This is absolutely unacceptable.”

    The culprit did actually turn themselves in after that. It turned out to be someone who also worked part time at a restaurant in the same building that we had recently hired. Over time they’d become friends with our staff and applied the next time we were hiring. The Tequila Incident happened just weeks after bringing them on. We were all pretty sad to see them go and it made interactions with the restaurant next door where they were still working pretty awkward for a while.

  124. Never*

    At LastJob, our analyst team consisted of Junior and Senior people. In order to be a Senior, you had to have a MS, but some Juniors had a MS too. One day a bunch of Juniors were e-mailing via the analyst listserv discussing how to solve a problem (perfectly normal). A Senior cut in the reply-all saying basically “you can’t know the answer because you ONLY have a BS. If you have a question, ask someone with an MS.” I replied to her individually, kindly reminding her that a) some Juniors did have an MS, and b) just because you “only” have a BS doesn’t mean you can’t figure things out. She didn’t respond. (This was only one example of what made her the #2 most pretentious person there.)

  125. Sled dog mama*

    I had been having a difference of opinion with a coworker on how exactly we should approach a problem (your standard we’ve always done it this was vs. but we have new options for how manage communicating X and ABC might work better for us disagreement). Safety is the responsibility of the person in my position and I spent months getting everyone else in the office on board that we had an issue and we needed to find a better way to address it. So we settled on our first attempt at addressing this issue. Not two days after implementing the new solution someone posted a tangentially related question to an international ListServ for my profession and coworker responded with the most outrageous (and obviously to me and others at the office thinly veiled) accusations that people in my position are idiots and think we know everything and this is not the only way to do this.
    I should note that although I did prefer solution X it wasn’t my proposal I just pointed out the problem and that a solution was needed. She’s the one who took it to an international mailing list.

  126. Anonymous Community Teapot Director*

    Email received third hand, sent to the Mayor in response to a community art project that was widely shared in development and approved by the city public art commission:

    “Communication with Teapot organization and businesses came to a halt when former Teapot director left. For someone who tries to know everything going on in the city, I barely know anything from this group anymore, and its effecting spaces directly around my business. I’m asking that businesses which abut the sidewalks being painted be made aware of designs, location, and have some input, just as when the city did city scape of other downtown designs. Disappointing we hear about it after it’s been approved by PAC, and if I didnt see the news article, I might not have found out until they were painted. Once I know specs, I may be completely fine, but right now I and other businesses have no idea of the what, where, and when of any of this?”

    Previous Teapot Director resigned four years ago! This person’s business is two blocks from the project in question and received the specs 6 weeks before the public art commission meeting. This person received two written communications about this project – as they were never at said business when we stopped in. This person used their city councilor email address to complain to the Mayor as a business owner. When (politely) challenged on this point, and the multiple attempts to communicate – could not understand how they might by abusing their power. This person did all of this without ever asking a question directly. This person has no problem coming unannounced to my office to share their latest project/community gossip.

  127. Anon JIC*

    This mail wasn’t super ranty, but the subject line was awesome:

    Subj: Breaks. also Mirth.

    People:
    Breaks are good. They are to rest and recharge.
    Employees who work 8 or 10 hours a day may take two 15-minute breaks; one before lunch and one after lunch.
    Employees who work less than 6 hours a day may have one 15-minute break.
    This includes smoke breaks. If you’re outside smoking, you are on break.
    Folks notice when other folks take too many breaks. Then they come to me and ask why so-and-so gets so many breaks. What should I say?
    Breaks are to be taken in a way so as not to disturb others. Voices carry down the hall. Keep it quiet, or take it elsewhere.
    Lunch can be on the clock if you are working. If you are not working, you’d best be clocked out. Unless your name is [social media person], or you are off the clock, Facebook should not be open on your computer.
    Constant (note the word “constant”) bantering while working makes folks think you are not working. Then folks come to me and ask why so-and-so isn’t working. Then I have to come and ask you why you are not working. Don’t make me do that.
    People who don’t work will be asked to leave.
    Anyone who has questions may come and see me privately. Thank you.

    For weeks and weeks, my coworkers and I would say, “Don’t let me catch you mirthing!” whenever we seemed to be enjoying our jobs. I do not miss that place.

    1. RJ the Newbie*

      Please tell me he didn’t make reference to the heart of fools being in the house of mirth!

  128. Allornone*

    I will be posting later when I get home from work. The letter I will be posting is long, but oh it is a doozy. Please don’t close comments or anything until I get a chance to copy it.

    My favorite part of it:
    “Now is me. Now is Julio.”

    2. Upstream Arch*

      I was going to post this as I actually know Not-Liz!!! I remember reading it when it got published on Politico and I nearly fell out of my chair laughing. She now claims that someone in the office accessed her email and set up this back-and-forth with the executive assistant to make her look bad, and that her boss believed her but refused to let her tell her side of the story to the media, but that’s total bullshit. She is a truly terrible, awful, horrible person and deserved every minute of this.

      1. Observer*

        Suuuuure her boss believed her but wouldn’t let her tell her side of the story. Because OF COURSE he’s happy to have his staff look like an unhinged harpy.

      1. GibbsRule#18*

        Even as an Elizabeth who hates being called Liz, I am cringing. Usually people ask, but even if they email me as Liz, I sign off as Elizabeth and that seems to take care of it. And if people do call me Liz, I do not think it is a vast conspiracy to piss me off

        1. SusanIvanova*

          Yep, I have a double first name – and though I’m female, the first half by itself is generally male – and I do the signoff thing too when someone uses only half my name.

          It does help to filter out the spammers: “hey, halfname! Long time no see!” Riiight.

        2. LizM*

          Yup. I’m an Elizabeth that does go by Liz, but will occasionally get a Lizzy or Beth or Lisa. Usually signing my email as Liz works, but if not, a quick, “Actually, I prefer to go by Elizabeth or Liz,” does the trick.

  130. Kathenus*

    At a past organization, we had a new division head. This was an industry where physical security of premises was important, so there were many locked gates and doors, with varying levels of importance. Habit had been in some areas that went from public to staff areas to ‘dummy lock’ padlocks for quicker access. One of this new person’s first (but alas, not last) all staff emails, addressed this issue. The premise was that he didn’t want these locks dummy locked anymore, he wanted people to secure the padlocks. No problem. The wording, however, didn’t win him any friends; as the missive stated – sometimes in all caps – that they were called ‘locks not unlocks’ for a reason. That phrase became part of the vocabulary for years after that, and not in a good way.

  131. Soupy*

    This memo was one of the first things handed to me during new employee orientation in mid-2007 (more than a year after it was written!) These rules were also put into our policy & procedures manual, which required action by the Board of Directors. It’s weirder because all staff memos weren’t common, and this was the only ALL CAPS one I ever saw at the place.

    February 13, 2006.
    To: All Staff and Consultants
    Subject: Copying and Printing
    Please find attached the rules pertaining to the new copier/printer equipment. Retain for your records. We will be posting this at both equipment locations.
    Thank you

    COPYING USE:
    PLEASE:
    *REMOVE PAPERCLIPS AND STAPLES BEFORE COPYING. MAKE SURE STAPLES AND PAPERCLIPS ARE NOT NEAR THE EQUIPMENT.
    *CHECK PAPER TRAYS TO ENSURE THERE IS ADEQUATE PAPER FOR YOUR COPYING JOB.
    *ADHERE TO THE RULE THAT THE MAXIMUM NUMBER OF PAGES FOR YOUR ORIGINAL IS 100. IF YOU HAVE AN ORIGINAL OF MORE THAN 100 PAGES, YOU SHOULD SCHEDULE YOUR COPYING FOR EARLY MORNING (8 A.M.) OR LATE AFTERNOON (4 P.M.) AND NOTIFY “EVERYONE” YOU ARE USING THE EQUIPMENT FOR AN EXTENDED PERIOD OF TIME. THIS NOTIFICATION SHOULD BE VIA GROUPWISE; BE SURE TO DESIGNATE THE EQUIPMENT BEING USED.
    *ADHERE TO THE RULE THAT THE MAXIMUM NUMBER OF COPY SETS IS 50. ANY COPYING JOB REQUIRING MORE THAN 50 SETS SHOULD BE SENT TO AN OUTSIDE SERVICE.
    *DO NOT KNOWINGLY LEAVE PAPER TRAYS EMPTY. THIS IS NOT BEING A GOOD CITIZEN.
    *CLEAN UP AFTER YOU HAVE COMPLETED YOUR COPYING. DO NOT LEAVE PAPERS ON EQUIPMENT OR ON STAND NEAR EQUIPMENT.

    PRINTING USE:
    PLEASE:
    *MAKE SURE THERE IS SUFFICIENT PAPER IN THE EQUIPMENT BEFORE SENDING LARGE PRINT JOBS. WHEN THE EQUIPMENT HAS NO PAPER, THE EQUIPMENT WILL STOP AND WILL NOT BE AVAILABLE FOR OTHERS UNTIL PAPER IS SUPPLIED.
    *ADHERE TO THE RULE THAT THE MAXIMUM NUMBER OF COPY SETS IS 50. ANY PRINTING JOB REQUIRING MORE THAN 50 SETS SHOULD BE SENT TO AN OUTSIDE SERVICE.
    *RETRIEVE IN A TIMELY MANNER YOUR PRINT JOB FROM THE EQUIPMENT. DO NOT LEAVE PAPERS ON EQUIPMENT.

    1. irene adler*

      All in caps, eh?
      Messages go over so much better when the sender isn’t YELLING.
      Thank you.

    2. Annie Moose*

      So if I had an original document 100 pages long and needed to print 50 copies, that’d be fine?

  132. Confessions of a Shakespearean Drama Queen*

    From an exiting board member of a volunteer, student-run theatre company, as she departed for a semester abroad after having several times exploded at other board members and actors (to the point where I physically limited how much time she could be around my cast to prevent them being subjected to future explosions):

    “This is an email that is filled with my personal concerns and no one else’s concerns. I ask that you take everything you read here very seriously, and that you would think long and hard about any response that you might send…

    When Technical Directors are undermined, and tech and build weeks are flouted, the company suffers minorly, but I take that behavior as a total disregard and disrespect toward the people working tech on the company’s shows. Personally, these behaviors led to me being extremely angry with the entire board (which I’m sure came across in my demeanor)…”

    It was over 700 words in this vein, all stemming from truly minor issues around scheduling and miscommunications around the work process. It’s become a legend among everyone who received it.

  133. RJ the Newbie*

    Sadly, I didn’t keep this one, but it was in the early days of career. I was an office manager/real estate salesperson in a small on-site office. My bosses were finalizing a sale and were expecting a deposit check and signed paperwork in the mail. One of them gave me specific instructions to leave it on her desk and let her know when it came in. I was the first one in the office (8:00am). They usually got in later (10:-11:00am)

    The package came in. I left it on her desk (there was nothing else there) and left her voicemail on both her office phone and cell phone. She walked in, already on the phone, and walked past my desk. I kept looking in her direction but she remained on the phone. About an hour later, I received an email from her informing me that she had checked with both the client and FedEx on the status of the project and was notified by both that it had been delivered. She went on to say that negligence of this nature was unacceptable and it was obvious that I was unable to handle my responsibilities. She further elaborated that she was sorry she’d trusted me and that perhaps a career in real estate was beyond my capabilities as I didn’t understand the importance of deadlines.

    I typed this email, hitting send only when I was looking directly in the direction of her desk and at her. “It’s on your desk. On the right. Under your coffee and where you asked me to leave it.”

    Her face dropped. Her partner looked horrified. I shook my head, turned away and finished up with a client. It was the main catalyst for my leaving that job about a month later.

  134. YarnOwl*

    This is definitely not as wild as some already posted, but it makes my coworkers and I laugh every time. A couple of times a week there are occasions to send all-staff emails, and usually our office is very good about it and people usually don’t reply all unless they need to. But every time it happens (which is maybe a couple of times a quarter) one woman in our office, who is older and notoriously curmudgeonly, replies all and says “Please do not reply all to these emails!!!!” These emails from her always have a tone that seems like this is happening all the time, when it really isn’t. In my department we (jokingly) take bets on how long it will take her to send her incensed email.

  135. Birch*

    *cracks knuckles* Now this is the kind of workplace shenanigans I come to AAM for!

    (Un)fortunately, I don’t have too much in the way of this myself, other than the bureaucratic bullshirt that makes me roll my eyes so hard I think I might give myself an aneurysm, like the memo banning glass in the kitchen because health and safety needs a special glass-handling team to come if something breaks (seriously, UK, get it together).

    At my last office, someone wrote a manifesto about how the latest round of applications for higher positions was super unfair and the people who got the jobs didn’t deserve them and that’s why she was quitting. It was sent to the entire internal list and had a personal diary timeline of her own attempts at the job. Talk about a burnt bridge.

  136. Curious Cat*

    A woman on my office floor often brought in baked goods to share with everyone and would send around and email that we can all stop by for a treat. One day she emailed that she had a “very special treat!” for us all and everyone got very excited, as we usually do when she emails. We all went by her office and found it was just a veggie platter. Many people left feeling dejected and sad. She then sent around a follow-up email to the floor, angry that no one was eating the veggie platter and began to give us a list of reasons why we all need to be eating healthier. She has not brought in food since.

    1. Curious Cat*

      Another one just occurred to me: The head of IT one time emailed the whole office offering us ice cream as a reward if everyone completed the annual IT training by the deadline.

        1. Curious Cat*

          Oh man, that sounds great! We did not end up getting the ice cream, because pretty much no one completed the training by the deadline. oops.

  137. Kat*

    I once accidentally clicked “reply all” on the wrong email, and sent an email to my entire company (which was national and employed approximately 2,500 people) that said only, “Jeremy Piven.”

  138. LOLOL*

    A guy’s lunch was taken and he sent this long, angry screed to all staff — ie. hundreds of people, including those of us who work in different locations, in a different city altogether who could not have possibly been the one to steal his lunch:

    “This email is directed at one particular person who in my view is spineless, immature, and above all, PATHETIC little person. To go into someone else’s food bag and help themselves to whatever they want, tells a great deal about that person […] Because of this incident, the keeping of the fridge is now under serious review of whether or not to keep it […] Other staff will now know that their food is not safe from your greedy little hands anymore […] Management is aware of your antics and will be dealt with in the most harshness of way when your identity is made known.”

    The best part is that a few days later he sent out a second email:

    “I would like to let people know that I was extremely over-zealous in my remarks and accusations last week in regards to my lunch being taken.” LOLOL. The fridge is still there (obvs)

  139. Annie*

    I was once working for a TPA that handled insurance for a major company in the U.S.A. I had to send an email to their HR confirming a critical file was delayed (which, of course, was not my fault), and explained the file would still be sent that day, but like 2-3 hours later than originally agreed upon.

    The reply I received had 3 short paragraphs: the 1st and the 3rd look pretty standard – think 12-point Times New Roman font in auto-black – but sandwiched in between them was a line in at least 20-point font, bright red, bolded, unlined, in all CAPS that read something like: THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    It really made me feel like a valued part of the team.

    1. Annie*

      I guess I should also point out there were like 20 people from both companies on the email, so my shaming was all-inclusive.

  140. Lady Jay*

    A student (this was when I taught at a small faith-based college in the Midwest) once began his email to me “Hey gurl.” Spelled exactly like that: GURL.

    I find this mostly amusing, and I repeat the little story every year as part of teaching my first-year students how to begin emails to their instructors, and what to call me in person.

    1. A username for this site*

      Professor Husband got an email from a student in a 100 seat lecture:

      Hey Firstname,

      Can you tell me what’s on the final so I know what to study thanks

      -Student

      He generally doesn’t care about being called Dr. or Professor, but this one made him really mad.

    2. Middle School Teacher*

      I teach a unit on email etiquette to my students for exactly this reason. Among the gems I have gotten:

      From: cherrypie99@gmail
      Help my brother spilled grape
      Juice on my book
      (Including that formatting)

      From: hockeydude
      Can you print my essay I don’t have a printer
      (That is the entire email)

      From: [student name]
      Hello I have a question about the project. It is due Monday so please reply ASAP.
      (Email was received Saturday at 4pm… not sure when she expected me to see it?)

      1. Lady Jay*

        Hahahaha. These are like freeform modern poetry. Beautiful!

        Also, that last one – I explicitly tell students that I don’t consistently check email after X time, so they know to give me some lead time on questions. Otherwise, I think they picture me a night owl like them, responding to email at 3 AM on a Monster fueled high. I didn’t even do that in grad school.

        1. Middle School Teacher*

          I started doing that too. I think they think I’m chained to my laptop, just dying for their email to come in!

    3. Quinley*

      this reminds me of a post I saw where a professor’s student had failed their final, and the student sent their professor an email that just said “bruh,” with their default email signature.

  141. Environmental Compliance*

    Oh, how I wish I had saved some of my previous boss’s emails!

    She was notorious for hitting reply all and attempting to send something snarky to (usually) just me, and instead managing to send it to everyone, including the person she was snarking about. Like when the state gov’t team that was helping us out had emailed some clarifications on rule interpretations to us and a few other county departments, and she managed to email everyone a rant about how dumb the state was. Or when a contractor emailed in and she managed to send him, the subcontractors, the homeowners, and me all a long rant about how dumb the contractor was. And she was making incorrect assumptions at least 90% of the time in these emails. Of course, she’d usually then run into my office and blame me for forwarding things (???).

    1. Mr. X*

      Holy Forking Shirtballs that’s bad. It’d be one thing if he’d told them to call him by his first name but then flat out asking for exam material to boot? What a maroon!

      1. What A Maroon*

        What a maroon might be the best exclamation I’ve heard in a long time and I can’t wait to use it in my everyday life!

  142. TK*

    We have a monthly post-work happy hour gathering. The person who used to organize these gatherings would send goofy emails to the whole office in anticipation. Below is one of my favorites (company info redacted). Love the enthusiasm!

    Just a reminder that the penultimate [gathering] of 2017 is tomorrow! Since we are there every month, I thought it might be worthwhile to share a bit of history about our location: Bar Louie. You wouldn’t know it by the hotel restaurant décor of our local franchise, but the term “Bar Louie” actually comes from one of the most fashionable locations in 17th century Paris.

    The king of France for the latter half of the 1600s was Louis XIV, one of the most powerful regents in European history. Busy though he was with his royal schedule, Louis still liked to have a good time, and in the evenings would often attend shows at the various playhouses in Paris. One theater in particular, Le Palais Cardinal et le Palais Royal, was particularly renown for not only its large size, but also for the fact that it staged more risqué fare, like the comedies of the famous contemporary playwright Moliére.

    At Le Palais Cardinal, a particular section of seats was set aside for the king and his personal guests. Originally referred to as “le barré du roi” (“the king’s box”), over the decades it simply became known as “le barré du Louis”, as he was the only person to use the box for the many years of his long reign (72 years total!). “Le barré du Louis” essentially became slang in Paris for the most fashionable or high class spot you could find yourself in – being invited to Barré Louis was the pinnacle of social achievement.

    So, while our own Bar Louie may not seem quite as opulent as its namesake, there is one thing that hasn’t changed: There’s no place better to be than Bar Louie during our monthly [gathering]. Hope to see you there!

    1. Queen of the File*

      Hah–I like it! You also reminded me of a happy hour email of legend I received (not suitable for round up)…

      A coworker on a previous team in a difficult workplace was trying to get everyone together after work for drinks, and sent out an innocuous email to all of us to this effect. No problem! However, our supervisor responded with “Where should we go? My place again ;)”.
      A few minutes later she sent a second email saying “There is a bar named my place that I was suggesting FYI”
      Except… there is definitely no bar here named ‘my place’. And we had alllll been wondering how that coworker had been getting such stellar performance reviews when he was clearly underperforming. Mysteriously, she got transferred to another office right after this!

  143. No Name*

    Many years ago, there was a great email that was sent to our entire (100-employee, family-owned) company by a resigning sales director. The fact of the email was in and of itself unique – generally people just disappeared from the company with a short polite email from HR stating they were “pursuing other opportunities”, so you never knew what had really happened. The email started by explicitly affirming that he had resigned, rather than been fired or pushed out. It then went through a few paragraphs of seemingly sincere thanks to various departments. Then a paragraph accusing a VP of being a duplicitous ass. The last paragraph, however, was the killer:

    “To : Thank you for allowing me to contribute or so in MP to the ” fund” over the past 3 years and for the hard lessons you have taught me during that time. Thirty nine months ago, I left because you convinced me that my future was at . I have never believed in someone, and someone’s vision, as much as I believed in you and your vision. And I have never been as deeply disappointed by a person as I have been with you. You build magic with your words and your vision but you actions in their own ways are not very different from . In spite of the recent hard times, I do wish well (there are too many good people working there) and hope that one day you’ll come to realize that how you treat people that disagree with you is a bigger sign of who you are than how you treat people that always agree with you.”

    I loved it so much I emailed it to myself so that I would always have it. Occasionally, I go back and reread it and marvel all over again.

  144. cleo*

    When I worked in higher ed, there was one campus director that was known for her nasty-grams. I think one of the English profs nicked named her angry emails and the name stuck.

    My favorite nasty-gram was a long harangue about how no one was following a new procedure and how very important this new procedure was for student retention, etc and how very terrible we all were for not following it.

    Followed by another email a few hours later, saying that well, actually the new procedure hadn’t launched yet, but still, she was really excited about it and we should read her earlier nasty-gram as just her enthusiasm for this new (life changing) procedure.

    No apology. No shame.

  145. An anonymous librarian*

    During the recession, the city I worked for was losing funding and had decided to cut library hours and lay off staff. Staff were selected for layoffs and informed that their positions were being eliminated by a certain date. The public found out and protested until the city decided to take the money from somewhere else and leave the library hours and staff as they were. Most of the people who had been given layoff notices were relieved. One was not.

    A few weeks later, she resigned and sent her goodbye email to staff at all the city libraries. It was two pages long and referenced every moment when she had felt disrespected by any member of the library administration, culminating in the layoff fakeout. She named names and gave dates and it was one of the most spectacular things I’d ever seen. Sadly, administrators had IT pull the email from the server, so I can’t quote it. But we talked about it for YEARS.

  146. Ima goob*

    I was the perpetrator of an all staff email that, luckily for me, just made me look like an idiot but didn’t involve anyone else.
    Long story short, one morning at work I got stuck in the trunk of my car. Like I said, it’s a long story. Anyway, I found this to be particularly hilarious so I wrote up a long email describing my morning to my husband so that he could enjoy my weirdo morning with me. His last name starts with Al…which is very close to all staff. And, just like that, the entire office and all of our remote staff got to hear the story of me having to combat crawl out of my trunk. I didn’t realize this until the owner of the company sidled up to me in the lunch room and quietly said, “thanks for the update.”

      1. Ima goob*

        Ahhh…the trunk story. I really wish I had the actual email that I sent out but this happened many years ago in a job that ceased to exist many years ago.

        It was winter in Oregon which means that it wasn’t freezing but it certainly wasn’t warm either. I drove a VW Jetta that had a temperamental trunk. Sometimes in the cold it just wouldn’t open. This was one of those days and I needed something that was trunk bound. I knew from experience that if I put the back seat down I could use a hanger or something to undo the inside emergency lever to open the trunk. Of course, I didn’t have a coat hanger and there wasn’t one to be found in the building. I went back to the warehouse and they gave me a big hook that they used to help pull freight…I guess. It was about 6 feet long and heavy as home made sin. I tried to use it but it was so unwieldily that I had to give up after about 5 minutes. I realized then, the only way to get to the latch was to crawl into the trunk from the back seat. Easy enough. Somehow though, and I have no idea how this happened, I ended up on my back with my head in the trunk, by torso draped over the folded down back seat and my feet sticking out the rear door. The seat didn’t lay flat so my legs were at about a 45 degree angle. And at that very minute nature pulled a fast one and turned me into a turtle. I couldn’t turn over for love nor money. As I kicked my legs around trying to get some purchase my shoe flew off. I had to do some fancy maneuvers and ended up schooching on my back to the latch. Of course, in order to do that I had to try to move all the various crud that had collected in my trunk for who knows how long. I found a lunch bag turned science experiment and more than one pair of sunglasses that I thought I’d lost. After I finally got the emergency hatch open I was able to turn over and combat crawl the rest of the way out. Mind you, I was wearing a dress when this all happened. Also, it was 8 in the morning and at least three people walked by and didn’t say a word. Bystander apathy I guess. The next day, after the email went out someone had drawn a picture of a VW with hands and feet sticking out of it on the whiteboard in front of my cubicle.

        1. Blue*

          omg I’m laughing out loud in my office. This is really amazing, so thanks for sharing! (It’s also possible that your coworkers thought you’d be embarrassed and wouldn’t want anyone drawing attention to you and that’s why they kept walking, but that’s probably me projecting!)

  147. Acheron Hades*

    At a previous job in a small rural public library, our director, assistant director and children’s librarian decided that we were going to expand our summer lunch program so that we could feed more children. Great idea in theory, but we barely had the staff to manage the existing program, and they weren’t able to hire any extra staff to help out. And they were far too “busy” to help out themselves. So all summer long, the staff worked themselves to death, not only doing our normally library duties, but also doing extra work for the lunch program. Meanwhile, the directors and children’s librarian managed to make themselves scarce every time we got busy.

    At the end of the summer, the director sent out an email crowing about the success of the program, and specifically thanked the assistant director and children’s librarian for all of their “hard work” over the summer. And then they wondered why the rest of the staff was so grumpy.

  148. A username for this site*

    I don’t have memos, but these were two signs posted at two places where I worked. They were community/fitness centers.

    Sign 1, on the door to the steamroom in the Ladies’ Locker Room, perhaps 20 feet from the toilets: Please do not urinate or defecate in the steam room

    Sign 2, in all of the standalone restrooms: No smoking or vaping tobacco or marijuana (No word on their stance vis a vis meth and crack, however.)

  149. Jen*

    I worked at a charter school that sent us a memo that I unfortunately got rid of at this point. However the gist of it was that teachers were not allowed to go to each other’s classrooms or basically talk to each other. As memos about policy always ended, the last line was that failure to comply would lead to disciplinary action up to and including termination. It was not that surprising to me when the school lost its charter.

    1. Quill*

      My mother works at a charter school.

      Her principal’s high point was replying all, individually, to argue that she had in fact attached a document that she didn’t attach. It was a google doc… and she didn’t know that you have to share them via link and not just the “google docs” address.

  150. CupcakeCounter*

    I have one from my old company. It was a somewhat normal “goodbye” email that had some really great lines in it about why the person was leaving, how to contact them after, etc… Mostly they didn’t like the new chairman (grandson of the person she started working for) and some updated policies reflective of the economic changes after 35+ years but the very last line was by far the best. “BTW the chairs here suck – the company should really look into getting us X chair from Z company..they are so much better”. Our company was an office furniture manufacturer and Z company was our biggest competitor.

  151. Bibliovore*

    Loved this one, a summary from memory.

    If anyone is missing a Madagascar Hissing Cockroach, please claim it. It is in my office and if not claimed by Friday it will be donated to the first grade insect zoo.

    1. EvilQueenRegina*

      I can’t believe I forgot this one! We once had an email about a delivery of caterpillars. It turned out this was intended for a local school and the person who placed the order happened to have the same name as someone in our building.

    2. Anonicat*

      Oh lordy I forgot about this one, from when I was in the same building as the zoology department:

      Dear all, I’ve just found a toad in the hallway. Please let me know if it is yours, or if it’s just been drawn inside by the bright lights of academia.

      Sadly I wasn’t present for the time the crocodiles escaped.

  152. Leslie Knope 2.0*

    I once worked in Parks and Recreation (which is exactly like the TV show if you’ve ever watched it) and we had a feature on our website that would allow for members of the public to email all members of the Parks and Rec department (think maintenance, athletics, aquatics facilities, etc.) to bring a matter to their attention. They were usually general questions about our programs, or telling us that a swing was broken at a playground. I don’t have the emails anymore, but I certainly remember my favorites.

    We once had an individual write to us complaining that they were stung by a bee at one of our parks. Just like all parks, this park was located outdoors. They weren’t allergic or anything, but, obviously, we should have done something to make sure that the bees were more docile towards members of the public.

    One concerned mother wrote to us asking about the duck population at the pond at a park. The ducks were aggressive to one another, pinning each other down, biting each others’ necks, and it was outrageous for her 3-year-old son to witness this type of behavior. Did we keep track of the male to female ratio of ducks at this park? She said she would never return to this park unless she could be assured of the duck population’s behavior. I believe she received a reply of, “Ma’am. It’s mating season.”

      1. Environmental Compliance*

        With the number of complaints I used to get about how dare the geese/ducks/deer/whatever be *out in nature* and *walking through our yards!!!*, no, no they don’t.

        (The individuals that complained lived on a lake backed up to a private large wooded property. It was even more fun when a couple bought about an acre from a farmer, right next to another cattle farm, and then proceeded to badger us with complaints about smelly cows.)

    3. Alli525*

      “Yes ma’am, right away ma’am, we’ll start spending YOUR TAX DOLLARS on training ducks.”

      1. Public Health Rat Catcher*

        Well, that’s what she’s paying taxes for, right? So her every whim will be promptly attended to.

        I used to work for the “general sanitation” department of a local health department. No, we will not remove raccoons from your attic, we have one single wildlife specialist and several underage interns. We will, however, write you a violation for having raccoons in your attic if you insist on filing a complaint about having raccoons in your attic. You are welcome to see what happens if you stop paying your taxes in protest.
        I never blamed someone for calling and asking if we could help, it wasn’t entirely unreasonable, and the vast majority of people were, if disappointed, polite. But there were those few…

    4. frystavirki*

      Rude bees will be sent an all-hive reminder beemail about public conduct.
      We have rented out the local motel for the season for the use of the ducks to avoid offending our more sensitive patrons.
      Please let us know if you have any more questions.
      Thank you,
      Parks and Recreation Department of (City)

    5. There's Always Money in the Banana Stand*

      This reminds me of a common complaint from customers at the canoe rental that my family owns. We regularly get Facebook reviews where folks mention that they don’t like how we drop canoeists off up river and then their trip ends at our rental. They think that a circle would be more efficient. We are in Ohio, USA. And as we all know, when the glaciers cut through Ohio and formed the landscape all those years ago, they did not leave behind circular riverbeds.

          2. Flash Bristow*

            Argh! That’s a brilliant reminder of an awful thing!

            I now have… what’s the thought equivalent of an earworm? A thought infestation? I think it’s too late for mind bleach!

            Quack quack, indeed!

  153. JB*

    Our office services department did a clean-out of the fridge on every floor. The Office Services assistant – who was a total freakin’ RIOT – sent an email to the entire company with a photo of a bottle of mustard, with the note “Found: one bottle of spicy brown mustard. You cannot claim it at Office Services because it expired in 2004.”

  154. ICan'tEven*

    A former employer had a rodent problem so bad they removed everyone’s trashcans from their desks. All trash had to be carried to a kitchen trashcan. I suffer from chronic allergies (and also thought this policy was ridiculous…) so I taped a plastic grocery bad under my desk to put tissues in – I threw all food waste in the nearest kitchen trashcan.

    The next day I received a “red card” – yup, that’s right. A red piece of thick paper (oak-tag?) was on my desk notifying me that I was in violation of the waste receptacle policy, my violation had been recorded, and if another violation was observed “additional consequences” would be invoked. Anyone with anything resembling a “trashcan” got red-carded that night.

    I think at that point I should have called OSHA, but I started looking for a new job pretty quickly after that.

  155. Almost Academic*

    Email that came to the listserv for a professional organization, politely worded but that cracked me up:

    “I strongly urge any of you who tweet content about cognitive-behavior therapy to find and use an alternative to #CBT. If you search #CBT on Twitter, you will come to know why (the content you find is not suitable for all, even most, audiences).

    I have been in touch with some experts in social media who have assured me that #CBT is lost forever, despite our valiant attempts to wrestle it back.”

    1. frystavirki*

      Oh god. Yeah, that’s my favorite….therapeutic acronym. I’m almost sad I’m not a therapist yet so that I could have received this email.

        1. ChaufferMeChaufferYou*

          Hahaha oh god. When I searched for CBT, the only thing that came up was cognitive-behavior therapy. I had to add “sex” to get the other thing to come up.

  156. irene*

    Context for why this is so amazing, in retrospect:
    About a decade ago, I was working in a small nonprofit and struggling a lot with depression and anxiety. I was also pretty young, in my last year of university. One of my coworkers was much older and took the same part-time job as me because they were previously stay at home and had just moved to the area, or something like that. Basically, not an ideal job and much, much lower on the professional scale than they would have liked – and technically my junior. They treated me like crap, bossing me around and belittled me/made fun of me once when i was having a really bad day (long story: autistic spectrum, didn’t know how to talk to my boss about needing help, and i was facing acute suicidal ideation that day so not at my best, but this person only knew half the story and basically behaved terribly and made everything worse – yelling at me for not doing something that wasn’t my responsibility, that kind of thing, then making fun of me when i started crying). Summary: not a good person, no empathy.

    A full-time job opened up and we both applied. I was younger and less experienced, even though I had been working there much longer, and this other person got it. Well, surprise: they got the job, started training on the new responsibilities, and promptly sent an organization-wide email 2 days later with all kinds of nasty accusations about the director, unprofessionalism on behalf of the entire staff, really ugly stuff. And they CC’d the head of our parent organization!

    It was such a crash-and-burn way to walk out of a job, and if I weren’t so naive/sick, I should have told my boss about the bad behavior when no one else was around, and avoid it. We were all asked not to talk about the email, but I did save it for years, just in case I ever needed to remember their name.

    I got the promotion to the job at that point. I mostly loved it and would have stayed forever. But the funny thing is…after five years or so, I realized that I was being taken advantage of and the organization really was disorganized and a little bit toxic (too small, too nonprofitty). Eventually I found a better job and left, and honestly I had forgotten about that whole email debacle until I saw this post! Really, that person was right – but they went about it in completely the wrong way, and made all of us working there less inclined to look critically at the problems because we wanted to dismiss everything that person said as unhinged rantings.

    1. irene*

      Oh, on retrospect, this would have belonged better in the thread from a few weeks/months ago, but the “organization-wide memo” made it ping my memory. It was nasty and vicious, but the structure was very much like a memo. I wish I still had it to copy in, because that person was something else.

  157. MsMaryMary*

    OldJob was pretty flexible about letting people work from home, even on short notice, but the expectation was that you would email your team to let them know if you suddenly decided to work from home the next day.

    One snowy Super Bowl Sunday, a young manager decided he’d prefer to work from home that Monday. He already had people over to watch the game, but pulled out his laptop to send a quick email. Something happened to interrupt him, so he had started an email saying “Dear Team, I will be working from home on Monday” and one of his drunken friends decided to finish the email for him and added “because I will be exhausted after pleasuring my wife all night long” (he did not use the word pleasuring). The drunk friend sent the email.

    The young manager apparently thought he had sent the (original) email, because he had no idea what happened until his manager called him early Monday morning. The young manager ended up having to go into the office, spend a long time talking to HR, and individually apologize to everyone on his team. His wife banned the friend from ever visiting their home again.

  158. Archie Goodwin*

    Ah, yes. The ever-beloved “Reply All” storm. I, too, have a story about being caught in the middle of one of those. Mine involves a government agency with over 20,000 employees.

    I don’t remember the specific context – it’s been a few years – but as I recall someone in the HQ building was attempting to ask her team about a missing car key. I believe there was an implication that it was vital to find the key, and that people wouldn’t be allowed to leave for the day until it turned up.

    Somehow or other the message ended up on the general e-mail list, which I’m pretty sure went to ALL agency personnel and contractors, all over the world. Consequently, the whole agency was informed that the key could not be found:
    – in most of the 50 states
    – in a variety of American cities
    – in various European capitals
    – in India
    – probably in various other corners of the world, I forget

    An e-mail thread developed in which people gave varying reasons why they couldn’t stay late: one had child care issues, another guy said, “I’m hungry”. Someone in HR said that no overtime would be authorized in the search. All of this mingled with variants of “Take me off your list” and “STOP REPLYING ALL”. I think it took about two or three hours before the system was shut down for cleaning.

    It was…amazing.

    Something similar happened not too long ago at my current agency, but mercifully it was contained to a small list and was shut down almost at once.

  159. Anonymous Engineer*

    One of our VPs has taken it upon himself to send an all-staff email each Thursday to remind us to submit our timesheets. Rather than simply stating that reminder, he adds a long sermon breaking down a Bible verse, psalm, prayer, or Christian-themed story/article. Shortly into my time at this company, one of the emails started by saying “Ladies, it’s scriptural for the men in your lives to serve you coffee” [WHAT] and then a line-by-line analysis of the Lord’s Prayer. I immediately created a filter to send these emails straight to the trash, but I perused a few for this post. They haven’t gotten any less inappropriate.

    Oh, and each week he gives himself an on-theme punny nickname in his signature.

    1. SoCalHR*

      “Ladies, it’s scriptural for the men in your lives to serve you coffee”
      this is usually tied to an old joke about the book of….HEBREWS

      I mean, I get it – people are horrid about submitting timesheets timely (bane of my existence)…but I find the sermons odd (slightly less odd if you work in a faith based organization)

      1. Anonymous Engineer*

        HEBREWS was the exact punny nickname he gave himself in that email!

        A simple timesheet reminder each week would be fine. But we’re an engineering company, and the sermons are completely unacceptable.

        1. SoCalHR*

          Yeah, I agree…. they would be odd connected to a timesheet reminder even at a faith based organization, but I’m surprised he got away with it at your company.

          (and LOL – that makes sense that he used that name on that email).

    2. Annie Moose*

      I’m… unclear of the connection between the coffee joke and the Lord’s Prayer. To my knowledge the only foodstuff mentioned in the Lord’s Prayer is bread.

        1. Annie Moose*

          I understand the joke; I’m commenting that there’s no connection between the joke and the Lord’s Prayer (which is not in the book of Hebrews).

    3. There's Always Money in the Banana Stand*

      As a person who has part time religious employment, Bible puns are my jam…but not at work. This guy is way off-base.

  160. Surrogate Tongue Pop*

    Not all staff memo or anything, but one of the funniest things I received (also sent to the head of procurement and head of IT security). Context: vendor sales/account dude was extremely upset that we decided to finally enforce campus security protocol and he no longer had free reign to all the buildings, no free reign to use our huddle rooms as his personal office, park in spaces designated for applicants, and actually had to be on site for a scheduled purpose (escorted in and out). When no one immediately responded to the below, he sent to other SVPs in the office (none of whom responded, either). I think we snickered for…a month?

    First line: I’ve had some time to work through my little girly hurt-feelings and assess the rationale and impact of REDACTED new anti-sales vendor badge policy.

    Later on in the ramblings: I’m being penalized without ever having peddled our people or services in the halls or ambushing people in their offices (EDITOR’S NOTE – SO, SO FALSE. AMBUSHES HAPPENED IN THE HALLWAY IN FRONT OF MY DESK, AS WELL AS STALKING OF PEOPLE IN OTHER MEETINGS TO “CATCH THEM ON THEIR WAY OUT”!)

    1. STX*

      Wow. I have worked with quite a few vendor sales/account people in my career and this one frankly astonishes me. I guess it’s true that for some people, if you give them an inch they take a mile. I have actually been somewhat in his position before, where a customer said that he felt we were taking advantage of the access we gained on his contract to pitch to his colleagues. Of course we did not see it that way and we did complain internally, but we knew it wasn’t his job to make sure our business was profitable! So we changed the way we did business with him.

  161. Tasha*

    Mine is mundane but it still cracks me up years later. HR had done an analysis of sick time. They send out a memo saying that the median number of sick days taken was X but “many employees exceed that number.” I’m thinking by the definition of median, yes, exactly half of the employees take more than that.

  162. NewHerePleaseBeNice*

    Not a long missive as such, but going back years and years the slightly eccentric and (ahem) detail-orientated Senior Admin at OldJob sent an all-company email (as in ALL company, including those who weren’t in the same office or even in the UK!) which read:

    All
    An advacado pear (sic) has gone missing from the middle shelf of the fridge in the kitchen in [location]. This belongs to me. Replace by the end of the day, please.

    I don’t know if she got her avocado replaced, or if she ever learned to spell it, but even though she’s been retired for many years the ‘advacado pear’ is still the Stuff of Legends across the company.

    1. Rachel B.*

      NewHerePleaseBeNice: I have a cookbook so old that avocados are referred to as “Alligator Pears”. Have never seen that in an email, though.

  163. Pink Pens Only*

    I work in municipal government, and we had an all staff email go around letting us know about the Staff Christmas Party.

    One of our City Councillors replied to the organizer that he would be there, but that he didn’t want to have to sit with the firefighters again this year, since none of them talked to him last year. How do we know this? Because he hit Reply All, not Reply! Cue a number of Reply Alls about how other people would love to sit with those who save lives all year…

    Oh, and the speeches at the Christmas party also praised the work of the firefighters, making the whole thing so incredibly awkward, and so incredibly amazing to watch!

  164. AK*

    The only good all staff email I’ve seen was sent early in the morning from the account of a new staff member. To my knowledge there was never a final answer to who did it, but the rumor was that a disgruntled former IT person had logged in knowing that the new staff member likely hadn’t changed their password yet. It was all about how awful leadership was and that we needed to rise up and take back the company, with plenty of gossip thrown in to keep people interested. Nothing ever really came of it but it was a good story for a week or so.

  165. Girl Alex PR*

    As part of my duties as a public affairs director, I often am the one drafting the all-user emails. As such, I’ve gotten several really out there responses, since any replies are directed to a mailbox my office manages, but one stands out.

    We send out event notices very frequently for the agency. Occasionally, these events are (but in my opinion should absolutely not be) controversial. I sent an email letting people know about an LGBTQ event in honor of Pride Month and received many responses that were full of vitriol. One stood out as the woman told me in her response that I was “going to burn in the fires of hell” for sending it. This wasn’t some big gay conversion conference, where men in banana hammocks and feathers throw glitter on unwitting participants. It was a government ceremony honoring LGBTQ members. The anger surrounding it was completely ridiculous and made me feel terribly for anyone in the community who encounters those who sent me responses.

    1. Rebecca in Dallas*

      But can you tell me when the men in banana hammocks and feathers will be throwing the glitter? I’d come!

  166. imustbanonymous*

    We have to wear bullet-resistant vests under our uniforms. Someone stole the shoulder straps from a co-worker’s vest that was left in a back room instead of his locker, rendering it unwearable until replacement straps could be ordered. Our captain went ballistic, sent out a full page ranting email and posted a printed copy, stating how it was theft of company property and whoever took them had until Monday to return them, no questions asked, without him notifying the company. But in the same page he also said whoever took them would be found and fired.

  167. Applesauced*

    I got an email with the subject line “PROBLEM MAYBE” (yes in caps) once – that was fun!

    1. ChaufferMeChaufferYou*

      Hey I just hired you, and this is crazy, but your numbers are low, so problem maybe.

  168. listserv librarian*

    This isn’t an all-staff email, but listserv drama. A vendor posted a 504-word response to an already tense and verbose exchange between several librarians and another vendor to a listserv. The main subscribers of this listserv are librarians.

    Highlights include:
    “don’t talk about publisher profits unless you know what they are”

    “in your efforts to prove your value – and you don’t have to prove anything like that to me! – I’d drop the “altruistic profession” line. I’ve had more visits to hospitals, as a patient, than I’d like, and one could argue about medical care charges too,. And the altruism of one’s caregivers.”

    And, the perennial favorite:
    “I can only say that if I were in my hospital bed and a librarian was rounding with the physicians, I’d have the quickest recovery in medical history.”

    (The sense was that the quick recovery would not be due to the quality of literature provided by the medical librarian.)

    The full email:

    Dear Librarian Friends,

    I have found this go-round fascinating. Having been a medical publisher for ~50+ years(I ran the 4 leading firms before I retired), I think there is a lot to question on both sides.

    When my latest firm offered librarians a complimentary subscription, we got virtually no takers. Now, anyone can question any product – that’s entirely fair – but it rings a bit hollow to hear about budgetary constraints and then not take up a free offer by authoritative sources.

    And then we had reports from some people questioning the content. That’s fair, too…but I daresay many librarians don’t know one top-level editor from another. If they had written a book, perhaps. We responded to every such comment that was shared with us. Indeed, we had the editors respond to me, and I passed it on to the corresponding librarians. I think your views are worth serious consideration.

    If I had to add my two cents to this – and I will! – I’d suggest the following:
    a) don’t talk about publisher profits unless you know what they are
    b) in your efforts to prove your value – and you don’t have to prove anything like that to me! – I’d drop the “altruistic profession” line. I’ve had more visits to hospitals, as a patient, than I’d like, and one could argue about medical care charges too,. And the altruism of one’s caregivers.
    c) librarians are professionals, not order takers – but I keep reading that such-and-such digital offering’s price is too high, and our housestaff won’t let us cancel it. Or it is substituted for by what I’d consider a vastly less authoritative digital offering. With all the talk about EBM, the “average” doc has little time to read that literature, and from experience I can tell you the virtually never buy it. They want advice from experts, since they reckon they keep up with “the evidence”.
    d) I hear about libraries trying Six Sigma, etc. I can hardly believe that. It may be useful in a manufacturing environment, but in librarianship.
    e) the same goes for rounding with docs. I can only say that if I were in my hospital bed and a librarian was rounding with the physicians, I’d have the quickest recovery in medical history.

    I realize all too well that librarians are fighting for a role in a changing environment. I think that’s a shame, because good librarians are essential to medical education and practice. I think [Organization] should expend more of that energy speaking, with one voice, to the folks who control library budgets. It shouldn’t require any proof at all – it’s self-evident – but it strikes this observer that (sadly) it does.

    I’m not getting into the matter with [Other Vendor] and his correspondents, but felt compelled to add my voice in a tangential way. Good librarians and publishers need not be on different sides, but if they are, it can be a civil discourse.

    Thank you for providing such a thought-provoking platform.

    1. NoTurnover*

      Wow. I know the listserv where this would have taken place, and this is so condescending while pretending to be respectful! I also wonder whether he would be interested in making his company’s profits public…

  169. Samwise*

    In college, I worked on a student-staffed volunteer hotline where students commonly mass-emailed the hotline to see if anyone wanted to swap shifts. For some reason, this hotline didn’t have a listserv or anything (e.g. HotlineStudents@[school].edu) – everyone was just CC:d or included in the TO: field. We were warned to remove the professional staff from the mass emails before asking about shift swaps, but y’know, people would occasionally forget.

    The Hotline Director got so pissed about this that she sent out a mass email calling out one of the students by name to the whole listserv. Keep in mind, this was a volunteer student hotline for course credit. It reads:

    “[Student name],

    Several weeks ago, you were notified by [Hotline] supervisors that you were not to seek out resolutions to shift switches using a “Reply to All” email method.

    When you do this, you are copying in all the staff and cluttering their mailboxes, and mass emails are not effective ways to address shift switches in the first place. More importantly, you are sending us an message that you are either not paying attention to communications by your supervisors or you don’t care about the guidance we give you, neither of which create very positive impressions of a [Hotline] student by our staff.

    In the future, please be careful to follow directions from your supervisors.

    Dr. [Hotline Director]”

    I think I quit shortly after this, and this was one of the poor management straws that broke the camel’s back.

  170. Undercover PR Pro*

    My former boss had a memo hit the blogosphere back in 2011 for threatening to fire people who did not replace the milk. Subject line: I don’t know what else to do … (ellipses his)

    It was not even his worst memo, which was the passive aggressive screed about “paying to keep the lights on past 6:30” so we wouldn’t feel the need to rush out of the office.

    The milk memo in all its glory is here:
    http://gawker.com/5844681/pr-firm-president-to-staff-you-will-be-fired-for-not-replacing-the-milk

    He remains the president of that PR firm

    1. Ali G*

      Well his first problem is really that he is a Redskins fan in NJ. No coming back from that!

  171. Comms Girl*

    I am really sorry that we did not keep the original memo, but my boyfriend’s ex-boss loved to use memos to rant about anything and everything (and even made staff redundant via memo instead of holding a meeting like any decent human being). However, the most nonsensical of all his memo rants was the one in which he demanded all staff to inform anyone they saw collecting pinecomes from the parking lot that they were the property of the Company (which, btw, had nothing to do with forestry or any field where pinecones are an essential asset)!

    I mean, seriously… PINECONES!

    1. London Calling*

      Aaaah, I can match that with drawing pins.
      Second job back in the 70s was with the UK branch of an American bank. Names protected to spare the innocent but the name might have sounded like Bankers Trust. One day – this is years before email – we received a memo from the CEO telling us very excitedly that we had a new staff notice board and we were to remember that it had to be used properly – there were RED topped drawing pins and they were for (let’s say)* staff memos and they were to be pinned on (let’s say) the left hand side of the board. BLUE drawing pins were for (let’s say) memos from head office and WOE BETIDE anyone caught messing up the system and putting red topped pins in a section clearly designated for blue ones and vice versa because wrath would descend on their head in no uncertain fashion.

      At the time the Guardian (a national paper in the UK) was running a column where people could contribute examples of daft office bureaucracy. Guess what example made the national press very soon after that memo came out?

      *Can’t remember the exact details – it is getting on for 40 years ago but this is the gist.

      1. Comms Girl*

        I seriously wish the antics of this crazy boss would have made the press…

        Maybe you should have thrown in a yellow drawing pin just to mess with them :p

  172. VioletBickerstaff*

    At my husband’s firm one of the partners sent an email to HR/accounting (and the whole firm, accidentally) requesting a tax change so his bonus (specific number included, more than an associate’s yearly salary) wouldn’t be taxed to his disadvantage.

    Lots of turnover after that!

  173. Anon (sorry, has to be)*

    Multi-national company, over 100,000 employees, probably the same number of contractors.
    Our all-user mailing system is locked down, only people with a specific level of access can send all user emails…. But a man with access to this mailing system has an affair with a co-worker. The affair goes on for a long time, but ends badly. He sends a 12-page missive (4,970) words to everyone in the company. Email titled: ” is a deceitful, immoral, selfish, heartless human being” – sent to over 200, 000 people!

    It was incredibly ranty, full of his medical history, how horrendous his mistress was. Unreadable paragraphs of garbage – the readers were left with no sympathy for this man.

    The company had to quickly find a way to delete all copies of the email, and stop it being forwarded. I will assume the guy was fired, we never got his name, he wasn’t confident enough to sign it! The person his email was about is still working for the company – I’d hate to be her!

    An excerpt: “Bottom line: We were in a committed loving relationship, and she QUIT when I couldn’t possibly need her more! It all boils down to basic human morality:
    • You stay committed to the man you promised your undying love to for over 4 years!!!!
    • You stay committed to the man who’s been fighting against pure torture for over 2 years!!!
    • You stay committed to the man whom YOU READILY ADMIT WOULD STAY COMMITTED TO YOU if our roles were reversed!!! (is this the most damning statement of all?!?!!)
    • You stay committed to “the only man who’s ticked every single box” for you!!!
    • You stay committed to the man who never stopped loving you. Who made excuse after excuse for you, and not only placed himself in your shoes, but consistently looked for – and proposed – ways we could support each other through everything going on in our lives. “

    3. Blue*

      This super sucks for her, but if she needed any confirmation that ditching him was the right move…

  174. Pebbles*

    We all hate when someone does a “Reply All” to everyone in the company. Usually someone at some point will reply all with “Please don’t use the Reply All for this”. But when it happens over and over (and over) again? Then you get this:

    “I don’t want to be rude but there is a Reply button (NOT Reply All) that should be used to congratulate the promoted person. Please use it next time. I had over 60 spam messages this morning to filter out. This is ridiculous, I thought we’re all grown up guys and know what SPAM is.”

    1. SoCalHR*

      My last boss made me send all-user emails as a bcc: solely because people couldn’t “reply all” – it made sense though, it was a snarky group of developers and the individual responses were enough to drive me crazy, I couldn’t imagine if it was in a reply all forum.

  175. Ali G*

    I told this story in an open thread a while ago, but I find it funny so I will re-post (it wasn’t actually funny at the time).

    I’d just started my first ever real job after finishing grad school. I am in a very niche industry and I was lucky to score an entry-level position at a growing non-profit doing work in my field. We were basically a QA program for an industry, so we will call my organization The Teapot Quality Board.

    We were getting ready to have an open comment period on our Teapot Quality Standards and were sending an email memo to all our members and stakeholders. I spent weeks curating a huge distribution list for this email announcing the opening of the comment period. It was our fist public review of our standards and a Very Big Deal.

    I drafted the memo. I edited the memo. My boss (the CEO) reviewed the memo. The CEO of our sister organization reviewed the memo. Legal reviewed the memo, marketing, the list goes on and on.

    It finally goes out…to like 500 or so people.

    My boss comes into my office and says there is a problem with the memo. How could this be?! So many people read it! Here is the heading:

    DATE: AUGUST 19, 2004
    TO: ALL TEAPOT QUALITY STANDARD STAKEHOLDERS
    FROM: THE TEAPOT QUALITY BROAD

    Yes readers…that is right. No one proofed the Header!!! As the only woman on staff at the time (very male dominated field in the early 2000′), I said, well if anyone is looking for the Teapot Quality Broad, feel free to send them to me!

    Moral of the story – proof your headers (and email subjects)!

    1. animaniactoo*

      Moral of the story: Do NOT rely on spellcheck to catch it for you. Back when I was a proofreader, this line sat above my desk “Theirs know weigh too ketch awl eras.”

    3. L*

      Nearly 40 years ago, when I was a proofreader for the local paper, I, too, learned this lesson. The County Board of Commissioners had decided something important, and the headline, in 36 point Goudy Bold, declared it . . .
      except that I didn’t catch the “o” left out of County.

      1. animaniactoo*

        Bwahaha. I think I’ve told the story here of the Encyclopedia of Victoriana? Which went back and forth between us (typesetters) and the publishers and was proofread FOUR times before this typo was caught:

        “These gardens were now places for public pleasure.” Except there was a missing l in that sentence. A gloriously missing l which was all the more glorious for happening in that particular book.

        3. londonedit*

          I once worked for a book publisher with a similar tale – a few years before I’d joined, they’d had a letter from someone who had bought a copy of a particular book and wanted to report a typo. Apparently a reference to ‘his strong arms’ had somehow ended up being printed as ‘his strong anus’. And no one – in-house editor, copy-editor, proofreader – spotted it.

    4. Gumby*

      My alma mater sends out occasional newsletters with links to various articles that may be of interest.

      Before 2005, instead of semi-colons, they used commas in the subject line to separate the very short synopsis headlines. Until the time that 3 of the stories included in the newsletter were:
      *Sadly, the probable death of a student in the tsunami (who was in Thailand on vacation)
      *[prominent person] had agreed to give the Commencement address that year
      *A study published by biologists indicating that several species of birds may be facing extinction

      The subject line of the email???
      “[school] tsunami victim, [prominent person], threatened birds”
      [Prominent person] did not, in fact, attend [school], was still alive, and was not, to the best of my knowledge, mean to wildlife. That is the last time they used commas.

      (don’t think this is good enough for a round up anyway but please don’t use it)

  176. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain*

    I work at a university with over 1000 employees on campus. About once a year we get an all faculty/staff reminder from the receiving/mailroom department supervisor that they are required to open any packages that get delivered to the university for property management purposes and employees should not have their personal packages delivered here. I wish I kept a copy because it heavily implied that people were receiving items of a very personal nature and they “can’t even” anymore. Attached to the email was also a photo of an opened box with sliver glittery very high heels that would never be appropriate for an office job with a note that there was no name on the order so they need the owner to contact them to claim their package.

  177. Victoria, Please*

    I’m the perp here. We got ants due to people being gross in the kitchen.

    I put a sign on the microwave with a circle-and-slash over an ant, with a terse note: “Cover your food. Clean up spills immediately. Napkins are in the drawer behind you.” I also sent a dept-wide email saying that we have ants and the admin and I cleaned up, and if it happens again, we’re going to the dreaded weekly cleaning rota.

    Seems to have worked and frankly it was pretty tame.

  178. well, shit*

    From a 22yo engineering intern at my software company, sent to the entire 150-person office (including executive leadership):

    Subject: PSA: bathroom etiquette

    Hi folks,

    TL;DR: The last thing I want to do when I need to take a shit is cleanup yours please cleanup after yourself.

    If you’ve ever had a toilet back up on you, that sucks, I’m sincerely sorry that you’ve had to deal such a gross situation. Assuming you are the kind of person who cleans up your shit, you can just stop reading.

    If you’re the kind of person who just leaves it… Please reconsider your behavior and cleanup.

    [embedded image of a plunger]

    This is a plunger, our bathrooms contain these “plungers”. Heres an instructional page (with pictures!) http://www.wikihow.com/Use-a-Plunger

    NOTE: You may have to try more than once. Be relentlessly resourceful!

    If for whatever reason you absolutely cannot resolve the situation on your own. Please let your office manager know and consider putting a sign to let people know the stall is out of service.

  179. Xarcady*

    From a manager at a former job, sent to everyone in the company:

    Re: The ladies room
    Someone isn’t much of a ladie. You left something in the toilet that you should have flushed. GO AND FLUSH IT DOWN NOW!
    If I find out who you are, you will be fired!*

    Giggles ensued for the next few hours.

    *The manager who sent this did not have hire/fire power. Only the owner of the company did. This manager also did not like using the restroom when anyone else was in there, so she’d lock the door to the 3-stall restroom when she entered, the only ladies’ room in the building for 20+ women.

  180. Little Bird*

    We have had a couple of interesting grad-school wide emails. This one came after one student (Ned) sent a school-wide email offering to sell a couch. Another student (Jaime) replied all with a brief message encouraging people to be thoughtful about using listserves for personal reasons. We all thought this issue was over, until we got the following a couple hours later.

    “Hey guys:

    Following up on Jaime’s email…between things like the King’s Landing weekly report emails and the emails reminding me that I have 47 incomplete evaluations, it’s always been really difficult for me to sift through my dedicated institutional email in order to find the emails offering up great deals on couches and books. Especially when there’s extra spam hidden in there, things like the Small Council sending out the updated schedule with where and when I should be in the morning, or a potential mentor *finally* responding with a time we can meet.

    Thought I’d let you all know about this great website, http://www.craigslist.com, that I discovered during my search for my 8th couch. Apparently, the castle even has a classified section on blackboard AND people have even been known to post to Facebook groups as needed when they’re trying to sell stuff. I heard you can even sell books pretty easily on Amazon.

    Sorry to be that grouchy chick (and this isn’t targeted specifically at Ned, sorry dude) just a reminder to be respectful of the 300-400+ people you’re emailing to sell your stuff…our school e-mails aren’t really meant to be used for this, and it’s easy to miss important emails when you get a whole lot of crap emails (on average, 298-398+ of these people don’t want your stuff OR your email). If you’re really desperate, send an email to the incoming first years when they are established. They don’t know any better, and a lot of them actually need your stuff.

    Sincerely,

    Cersei

    P.s.- the irony of me sending a mass email to protest spam is not lost on me. Many sorries!!”

  181. Bekx*

    For weeks we were having a problem with the women’s bathroom. Namely, someone was smearing poo all over the seats. This wasn’t an accident, there were clearly finger marks showing that it’s smeared.

    The CFO sent out an email to all employees at our location. I am SO upset that I do not still have it saved, but the gist was:

    “Employees are reminded to clean up after themselves and to treat common spaces with respect. Lately we have been receiving reports of fecal matter being left in the restrooms of the women’s restroom. We are all adults here and can clean up after ourselves.

    According to the Teapots Ltd. handbook, employees must keep their workspaces and common areas clean. Failure to do so may result in disciplinary actions including termination.”

    We were all dying over the fact that you could be terminated. A few weeks later an angry employee left (of her own will) and the poop smearing stopped. We went without issue for 2 more years, but right before I left the smearing started– again! But this time in a different bathroom! The CFO sent out the email again reminding everyone to keep the bathrooms clean.

    I was telling a male coworker about this and expressing how gross it was and he goes “Yeah well, they should have sent that to the men, too. I walked into a stall a few times and saw some….other…bodily fluid…in, on and around the toilet seat.” Yes, THAT bodily fluid.

    Gross. Just gross.

  182. PoweringThrough*

    an email my boss sent to 2 current employees, some friends, and a bunch of clients about our Christmas party:

    Dear Guests:

    You made the cut.

    You are a select few who have been invited to our Christmas Party.

    The Christmas Party begins on Thursday, December 14 at 6 pm at [redacted]

    Please acknowledge receipt of this e-mail.

    Please do not be late.

    Thanks.

      1. PoweringThrough*

        it was the world’s worst party for sure. I went with my coworker, and a former coworker showed up as well. boss tried to separate us so that we couldn’t sit next to each other (it was only a dinner so we were seated the whole time)…we obviously didn’t let him stop us, we were the only 3 women out of a group of 14 people and we really only knew each other, plus we were by far the youngest (with the median age maybe being mid forties). he tried to ream me and my coworker out the next day about it.

  183. Slacker*

    This dude had had enough of our lackadasical approach to seminar supplies. I’m sure the coffee maker thing was just to mess with him.

    Dear Institution,

    Last semester I sent an email pleading that those using the clear, glass
    seminar mugs please wash and return them immediately after seminar.
    There are not one but TWO signs reminding everyone to PLEASE WASH AND
    RETURN SEMINAR MUGS!!! Despite my most concerted efforts to police the
    coffee mug situation, we are currently down to 8 out of 12.

    Which brings me to another issue. At the beginning of last semester, I
    found one of the two white coffee machines we’ve used for years to be
    missing…or rather, part of it was missing, as well as the carafe. I’m
    not sure what kind of sadistic person steals PART of a coffee machine,
    but that’s really neither here nor there…anyway, the nice office staff
    let me borrow a black coffee machine from the break room, which we used
    all last semester. That machine is now MISSING. There will be only one
    pot of coffee for today’s seminar, so now everyone has to drink less
    coffee. Sigh.

    Institution seminar supplies are for Institution seminars. Period. If you need to borrow
    supplies for another purpose, please ask first. The current seminar
    committee is X, Y, and me. If you do borrow supplies,
    bring them back. If you use a coffee mug during seminar, wash it and
    return it. I’m not sure how much clearer I can be about this.

    Thank you.

    1. Turtlewings*

      “I’m not sure what kind of sadistic person steals PART of a coffee machine” — I’m not either, and I am cracking up wondering.

  184. LadyMountaineer*

    I was a laboratory technician for a major hospital in the south and we were hit with Hurricane Ivan leaving us without power, relief or any end in sight. If we didn’t have coverage patients died–we prepped blood for transfusions. It was just the two of us for 48 hours straight. The email was sent to the entire staff and included: that we would not get paid for our time sleeping on the floor in a sleeping bag (even though neither one of us could leave–if there was a trauma we needed each other), that we used “unauthorized overtime” (again, just the two of us, nobody could get on or off the hospital grounds) and finally chastising us two for eating all of the cans of beef stew they had left for us even though we “didn’t have to” and “should’ve brought our own food.” To be honest, we did a blind taste-test of all of the different brands. They all suck. Dinty Moore was the best.

    Morale circled the drain. Everyone recognized that we were publicly outed in an all-staff email…for daring to stay and perform nearly heroic efforts to keep everything afloat. We both left soon after.

    2. LadyMountaineer*

      I should clarify–my employer staffed multiple hospital laboratories and had a central lab but none of those were in the path of the hurricane so it was a pretty easy deduction who the email was for.

      1. LadyMountaineer*

        Can’t remember. It was a major hospital, though so we were pumping out a ton of samples and crossmatching a ton of blood.

    5. Cornflower Blue*

      What the heck?! I would’ve been so, so tempted to just reply:

      “I’m sorry, you’re right. Next time I’ll close the lab and let everyone die.”

  185. Former Book Publishing Drone*

    After this memo was sent, we were forbidden to share it outside the company. However, it’s been more than 20 years, and the mid-sized book publishing company at which this occurred has long since been acquired by a much larger book publisher, so I feel free to share. I’m trying to make this not searchable, but anyone employed there at the time will definitely recognize the details.

    One day, a relatively new junior hire used the reply-all button to share that she had recently changed her name from an innocuous one (so innocuous I no longer recall it) to a first name inspired by a major mountain range and a reasonably common Irish name in which the usual C or K was replaced by a Q. She rhapsodized about how deeply significant the new name was to her and her fiance. She also instructed HR and administrative personnel to make all appropriate changes to her name in the system.

    Not only did she send out this email to everyone up to and including the C-level executives at this mid-size book publishing company, but also to the much larger media organization that owned the publisher at the time. The email went out to hundreds (possibly thousands) of people.

    The real kicker was that the sender was a publicity assistant. The main purpose of her job was to craft appropriate messages and send them out to the right people.

    I think she was fired within the hour.

  186. bo bessi*

    My personal favorite.

    “The Piñata Openers,

    For those who decided to open the piñata this afternoon with an exacto blade, I am disappointed. I didn’t buy Fred a piñata to have a few people open it up without him because they couldn’t bother to buy their own candy. Further, rather than open the piñata on Fred’s last day, Fred suggested that we keep the piñata for the year and open it on his first day back. Personally, I was looking forward to him opening the piñata himself next year.

    If the piñata were opened early, at the very least, it should have been an event that involved the entire staff and someone should have asked Fred first.

    You owe me and him an apology and I expect you to buy a replacement for Fred on his first day back next year.”

    To clarify, Fred is moving across the country and has no immediate plans to rejoin our office. He also doesn’t care about the piñata, which is why he left it in the first place.

  187. Earthwalker*

    The tech in charge of maintaining the public address system used to test the PA by ordering himself to call the department phone number immediately. Eventually he trained his replacement and retired. Whenever he’d visit the old office again, the guy he trained to take his job would get on the PA and announce to the whole company that his predecessor should call the department phone immediately, just for old times’ sake.

  188. Parcae*

    For your enjoyment, the all-staff and all-board email accusing me of snooping in a co-worker’s email. For context, my co-worker had been having trouble with the specialized software we used and contacted the vendor for support. The vendor then sent my boss and me (i.e., the primary contact and the unofficial IT person) a meeting invite quoting my co-worker’s email so that we could troubleshoot. Chaos ensued:

    so [Boss] and [Parcae],

    I am wondering why you feel the need to snoop through my emails? That is very unprofessional behavior! I am very upset right now that I can’t stop shaking. I always pull up the google calendar as we were told to use this so that we can all be connected this way and know what each others schedules are like. I was curious about the meeting set up for [Boss] and [Parcae] to meet with [Vendor] for tomorrow. I open that event and see that you have taken an email I sent to [Vendor] and copied it into the activity.

    My extreme upset with this is that you are snooping through my emails to have retrieved this. I did not cc either one of you on this email to [Vendor]. I don’t have anything to hide in my emails, at all! But what makes you think you need to sneak around in my emails and most importantly, why do you need to resort to such behavior!! This is so wrong. Another thing wrong in particular incident is that, if your going to use my request for assistance with [software], why not include me in this meeting?? What happened to Teamwork around here??

    I have so many other things I am upset about since July 3rd. I had decided I would just continue to do a good job, keep doing the work that I am so passionate about, but coming to work has been hard. The Team work has left. I have so many other concerns about changes around here that I would like to visit with the Board about.

    I have always prided myself on being able to work with people, with anybody, to be professional, regardless of who the person is. I have displayed that characteristic here at my job with [Organization]. And I truly enjoyed my job here until this last couple weeks. I feel like these changes that are being made around here are to the point of micro-managing, show no display of teamwork. I have been questioned on whether things I am active in are personal or work related. I do NOT do personal things on work time!

    At this time, I would like to request a meeting with the Board to address my concerns. I would like an honest answer as to why the inappropriate behavior on both of your part. Yes, [Parcae], I know you have access to our emails, but don’t you think you two could have come up with a better way to “borrow” my email and requests to [Organization] in a more professional and inclusive way?! I am very upset right now.

    I have this grant report to finish up by tomorrow that you, [Boss], asked me to do. I also have concerns about this directive by you. [Grantor] created [reporting system] for us grantee’s so that we could complete our reports electronically. To have me go back to the old Word document style, that we no longer have to do with [grantor], do my report then give it to [Parcae] to copy and paste into [reporting system] so SHE can submit it is questionable for a couple reasons. You let on like this decision you made was going to relieve me from grant reporting but it does not. I still must complete the progress report in full in order for [Parcae] to encode/copypaste. Under [Old Boss]’s direction I was given permission to have an access account with [reporting system] because of the changes [grantor] had done and because I was entrusted with this responsibility as the [grant] program manager. It is pointless to have to go back to the WORD copy when it is already in [reporting system] and ready for narratives and answers that way. It is also redundant to have to do this up this way just so it “looks” like [Parcae] is doing the grant reporting!

    I am very upset right now. I want to let you, [Boss], know that I am requesting a meeting with the Board due to the a “hostile work environment”. I can explain this further to them. I also want to let you know that I would like to be left alone for a few days. [Long redacted explanation of upcoming tasks and leave requests] Would you please let me know if taking Friday off is ok??

    Very upset and heartbroken right now for this lack of trust in me as an employee. I have been betrayed, belittled, and demeaned by this unwarranted behavior. Again, I asked to be left alone for a few days so that I can continue my work responsibilities and give me time to “cool down” the best way I can.

    2. Nerdling*

      Wow. I would hate to be on the Board to hear that complaint, because I’d never be able to keep a straight face once all the facts came out.

    5. CrushedCow*

      Please tell me this person apologized to you and the boss. Did they recognize their error?

      I had a employee once accuse me of going behind his back(!!!) and assigning his work to another worker… all because he saw a evidence of this other person in his folders. This also brought up accusations of a hostile work environment and lack of trust and common courtesy.

      It took all of two minutes to point out that he was the one who had invited the peer to review his work a few weeks prior. I found this completely infuriating.

      1. Parcae*

        I ultimately got an apology from the unhinged coworker. But the board opted to hear her out on the other grievances (hinted at in the rant) against our boss, the ED. The board stopped short of fully backing the ED, who resigned a month later. It’s a real shame; she was great, and her replacement was a nightmare. I started looking for a new job right then, though it took me almost a year to find the right position.

  189. Murphy*

    I feel like I got some good ones at my last job, but I’ll have to do some digging. I used to work in animal care, so a lot of the emails I got went something like this one:

    Please remember, when you are feeding cats to look at Oscar’s litter box! You don’t need to be the one to scoop it, but his observation chart needs to be marked. Did he poop? How much? Did he pee? How much?

    Also remember that Oscar gets “special sprinkles” on his food and that sign off sheet is in the treatment room.

    Oscar is constipated, we need to be recording when and how much he is pooping cause if he gets clogged up it can be really bad! So please please please do not forget this!!

  190. Earthwalker*

    Upon the day that a very unpopular CEO left the company, HR felt it necessary to tell all and sundry that it is unprofessional to sing “Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead” in the halls. I thought that was even funnier than hearing people do it.

    1. Matilda Jefferies*

      Actually laughing out loud at this one. Poor HR, I can’t imagine having to keep a straight face while sending that email.

    2. DCGirl*

      At one job, a much hated vice president of finance finally left, flounced out in a snit because no one appreciated his efforts to maximize revenue for the non-profit, which included coming in on the weekends and going through everyone’s desks to make sure no one had received a check for a donation and not turned it in. The facilities manager immediately changed the 4-digit passcode needed to access our suite. The previous passcode was the year the organization was founded. It took us all an unconscionably long time to realize that he’d changed he new passcode to 0917, “Independence Day,” because the VP quit on September 17.

    4. 2nd time poster*

      I literally did a spit take on my computer on this one. I had just taken a big drink of water and hadn’t swallowed yet. This is the funniest thing ever.

  191. anon for this*

    I used to work for an independent radio station. The place was so amazingly dysfunctional in so many ways, mostly stemming from the bossman. All staff “memos” came in the form of signs that were hung in the air studio, as well as the bathroom: both above the toilet and at eye level on the door in front of the toilet, so no matter your position, you were sure to see it. These memos were usually peppered with phrases in all-caps, bolded, starred, underlined, etc. A coworker paraphrased them as “THIS S#*T MUST STOP NOW!!!!!!” That was usually the gist of them.

    One morning I took a quick bathroom break before my airshift to find a memo that read: “ANY FUTURE ON-AIR MENTIONS OF MY TINY PENIS WILL RESULT IN IMMEDIATE DISMISSAL!!!!”

    I learned later that it was a prank – the memo was written by someone else and posted as a joke. But honest to God I would not have put it past bossman to write such a memo.

  192. Greg M.*

    I really only remember one such incident thus far and it was actually my school and not at work. They would send out regular emails to all students about the school sports teams whether you wanted them or not. Asked to be removed once and was told they couldn’t. Guess they didn’t understand mailing lists.

    Anyways…. it was emailed using a special Students-all address or something like that, now normally you have to have authorization to use that but apparently clicking reply all gets around that if someone is using that already. This was discovered when someone replied something like “oh who cares about x team” this led to a night of an entire college doing the whole “stop replying all” thing.

  193. The GTFO folder*

    My nasty, toxic boss sent a note to our team “mandating” that we attend meetings in person when there is a reserved room rather than call-in from our desks. This is a sane request, however, it was sent following a meeting where she was the only one not attending in person at our location and coincidently there was a person who had dialed in from their car who did not adhere to the numerous requests to mute their phone. To the point we had to use another conference line. Considering she usually sneaks out around the time of the call (at a la noon when our director is out), all fingers point to her as the non-muter so it was quite the interesting “mandate” to receive.

    She has yet to attend a meeting in person.

  194. Non-profiteer*

    This was several employers ago, so I’m paraphrasing:

    “As many of you obviously know, I have a candy dish sitting on my desk. You all seem to assume that the candy in this dish is intended for public consumption. However, I would like to inform you that this candy dish is NOT a communal candy dish, and the candy is intended for my enjoyment ONLY. Please do not come to my office for candy, or reach into the candy dish – even if you are in my office for a legitimate work purpose. Thank you for your attention to this matter.”

    The email was sent to the whole office, and 2 minutes later, the woman who sat in an office close to me (and had recently announced she was leaving for a new job) yells, “THIS IS WHY I’M LEAVING!”

  195. Nerdling*

    (Not for sharing in a round-up, please)

    The supervisor of a department of about twenty people sent out a dress code warning. In it, she laid out not only what her people should be wearing but where they should be purchasing said clothing, noting that dress shirts can often be bought on sale at Joseph A Banks and coupons can make things less expensive. She then called out specific employees by name as appropriate dressers and told the rest of the department to be more like the (uninformed they were getting thrown out as examples) dress code stars.

    The email quickly spread beyond her department, and I’d say you’d be hard-pressed to find anyone in our entire organization who hasn’t read either it or one of the many parodies of it.

  196. Frinkfrink*

    Two and a half decades ago, I worked for a few months at a small museum in a small town that technically belonged to the state system, but hadn’t had much oversight in years. Prior to my arrival, the state had discovered this and fired the curator, who was the only curatorial staff member and one of only two employees, and who had, from all accounts and evidence, a hoarding problem and not much training in museum work.

    My coworker and I were fresh-faced young museum school grads sent into this environment as contract workers whose job was to inventory the collections, many of which hadn’t been unpacked since the museum had moved into its current building twelve years prior, to clear out and organize the huge piles of boxes full of stuff shoved into the collections storage space, to evaluate all the items in the collection and, if they hadn’t been formally accessioned, to decide if they should be in the museum or not.

    Former Curator (FC) seemingly assumed that one day there would be a large staff to do things at the museum, and had taken to writing notes detailing what should be done with various objects and collections, then left the notes with the objects, shoved willy-nilly into collections storage. Notes like “Should be organized by country and stored properly. A Good Project For Someone,” placed inside a moving box full of unorganized postal stamps and “WHERE IS THE NUMBER FOR THIS?” placed *under* an object on display in the gallery.

    One week we tackled a large project: four or five standing lockers crammed to bursting with 1980s-style summer dresses that FC had bought somewhere, probably in a lot. With objects of this sort, normally you’d only keep a few representative items (unless you’re a specialized museum, and this was not) because storage space is at a premium, but we had to keep all of them because they had been accessioned into the collection and assigned numbers. We spent several days examining the dresses one by one and entering full descriptions of each into the collections management software.

    FC had pinned a note to each dress. Each note read one of two things:

    “Useless Summer Dress”
    “Mostly Useless Summer Dress”

    To this day I have no idea what criteria makes for a Mostly Useless Summer Dress.

    (We saved a number of the notes and stuffed them into the envelope we used to mail our timesheets to our boss, who was in the state capitol, and when he received them he called us up laughing so hard he couldn’t speak.)

    1. Grouchy 2 cents*

      Lol. My dad had a folder of crap labeled “mostly useless but interesting”. Thankfully he was NOT a curator, who knows what havoc he would have wreaked!

    3. sheep jump death match*

      I’m going to start responding to all work requests with, “Ohhhh, you’re right, that would be A Good Project For Someone!”

  197. Greg M.*

    oh wait I do have one more that I just remembered. I actually have the exact text because I once shared it somewhere else.

    “Hello everyone: With the warm weather, I understand the desire of people in rooms with windows that open, to open them to enjoy the warm spring air. However, we have had two instances in the last 24 hours of people leaving their windows open and having birds enter the room. In one case the window was open long enough for a pair of pigeons to make a nest and lay and egg (not to mention other biological functions) within the room. Please if you open the window in your room make sure it is closed before you leave.”

  198. Doloris Van Cartier*

    One summer in college I was temping for an overflow center for a government agency that was trying to process all of their paper applications as they were moving to a digital system. It was probably one of my better summer jobs as the people were generally nice and as long as you were doing your job and didn’t make too much noise during downtimes, it was pretty easy but I guess not everyone had the same feelings as me.

    One day, the women’s bathrooms were shut down on our floor and this was a slight problem because they were all key carded and you couldn’t always just go to another floor to use the restroom because of this system. So they send out a cryptic email saying that the bathrooms had to be closed because of a very serious incident and if anyone had information about it, they were expected to come forward. Because they left it so vague, everyone is wondering what happened and the office grapevine started working overtime. We then found out when someone had entered that morning, they found that someone had entered all the stalls, smeared feces on the doors and then locked them. They also put feces elsewhere in the bathroom and I heard (who knows if this was true or not) that this was not the first time something of this nature had happened.

    Once they were opened back up, it always seemed like there was someone in the bathroom when you went in. A rumor then went around that the bathrooms were being watched to catch the person and that’s why there was always some in there. Between the rumor of the initial incident and then the rumor of a poop patrol, it gave everyone about a week of office chatter.

  199. HigherEdPerson*

    These kind of count, b/c they were “full organization reply-alls” that will forever live in infamy…

    1) National professional organization for all Teapot Advisors. Hundreds of people on the listserve. This was back in the day when a reply to the @lists.com.edu would trigger a reply-all to everyone. Someone sends out a question to the listserve (not unusual) and a member has her maternity leave auto-response on. So her account sends back a “Mandy Jones is currently on maternity leave. She will return on Blahblah Date.” This is then broadcast out as a reply-all to the listserve, which means everyone gets it. Including Mandy Jones’s email. Which triggers another auto-response back to the listserve to let us know that “Mandy Jones is currently on maternity leave. She will return on Blahblah Date” which goes out to everyone again, including Mandy Jones’ email, over and over and over again for at least an hour. Eventually some joker sends a message asking “Hey, does anyone know if Mandy Jones is in the office right now, or is she on maternity leave?” Finally someone from the national organization scrambled to shut it down.
    Years later, I actually MET Mandy Jones at the Teapot Advisor conference and was like “OMG. YOU WERE ON MATERNITY LEAVE.” (Obvs I said this in my head, not to her face). This was 2004 and I’ve never forgotten it.

    2) Someone at Super Snobby University (SSU) got a hold of every single faculty, staff, and administrator contact list from all surrounding colleges (at least 15) and send everyone an invitation to a lecture/research presentation. This triggered a huge reply-all fest of people saying things like:
    Please take me off this email. I don’t work at SSU.
    Stop messaging me. I don’t know who this is.
    Why am I on this? I retired from SSU.
    Who are you? How did you get my email? Stop sending me this sh*t
    Please remove me
    UNSUBSCRIBE
    Please stop replying-all to everyone
    Can everyone just stop emailing?
    People, stop hitting reply-all
    Please remove me from this list
    WHO ARE YOU AND HOW DID YOU GET MY EMAIL?
    Etc, etc, etc. Until my personal favorite – “Why are you all being so negative? It’s better to be kind!”

    That was a fun day.

    1. Earthwalker*

      I love exchanges like that. Most of them are “me too!” but there’s always a gem or two hiding in the lot, like “Would everyone please stop hitting ‘reply all’?” “Why? You just did.”

  200. Properlike*

    Worked for one of those credit recovery charter schools with different “classrooms” all over a major metropolitan area. One of the center teachers thought she was doing God’s work with her limited forays into Hollywood-adjacent activities that she would announce company-wide (a known no-no.) No one at the corporate office would tell her to stop sending company-wide emails with her latest venture.

    One day she sent out an email exhorting everyone to watch a “very impotent episode” of a network series she’d consulted with or something.

    A colleague wrote back that they couldn’t imagine the episode being too exciting to watch.

    Oh, the drama! Only then did coporate send a mass email saying that the company email system was not a chat room!

  201. Tier 4 Employee*

    At my previous job the CEO decided he could solve all of the toxic problems in the culture by sending out a company wide email detailing how people should behave and that they should quit if they didn’t like it.
    He asked a bunch of senior staff to review it for him and from what I heard in the pub afterwards they all told him not to send it.
    He did anyway and the fallout was catastrophic. Within half an hour there was a secret company chatroom called “Tier 4 Cabal” and the next day the first person quit. Lots of people started accusing each other of having “secret meetings” if they had one-on-ones, people started being called “low tier employees” etc. I quit soon after.

    Hi all,

    Continuing on from last Friday’s all hands, I’d like to take
    some time to define what kind of employees we want to encourage at
    Teapots Inc. It’s never been clearly defined what exactly makes a good vs
    a bad employee.

    There are four kinds of employees currently at Teapots Inc:

    1. There are people who care, are productive and want to make Teapots Inc great.
    2. There are people who are productive, but don’t yet care that much
    about Teapots Inc’s purpose. (eg new employees or young recruits)
    3. There are people who underperform even though they try.
    4. There are people who do not care about Teapots Inc, regardless of
    their productivity.

    I believe only the first two kinds of employees should be accepted at
    Teapots Inc. Also, people who play office politics or are persistently
    negative without working on solutions don’t have a place in our
    company.

    * Who is the Teapots Inc employee? *

    A Teapots Inc employee is a person who is committed to making Teapots Inc
    great and to achieve its purpose. She is given the freedom and the
    opportunity to define how the company moves forward and therefore
    takes responsibility and ensures the trust given is paid back.

    She feels a duty to give and accept feedback, no matter how harsh this
    can be or if it involves disagreements. She helps others to become a
    highly successful Teapots Inc employee.

    * Our culture *

    Our culture should push behaviours that help the process which drives
    people towards becoming a Type 1. People should either be type 1s or
    in the process of becoming type 1s; behaviour that promotes this is
    rewarded and encouraged, but behaviour that damages it is discouraged;
    or at the extreme, we cut it off.

    You can express it like this:

    1) Teapots Inc as a process that pushes us to be better people because we
    need the best people in order to fulfil the purpose.
    2) This process leads naturally to good behaviours. We reinforce those
    good behaviours and get rid of the bad.

    Specific behaviour:

    To reiterate: Good behaviour is stuff that is “Type 1” behaviour
    (being good at your job with the purpose in mind), and stuff that
    helps your colleagues be good at their job or get behind the purpose.
    Bad behaviour is anything that obstructs type 1 behaviour, or at
    extremes, wilful poor performance.

    Thus simple rules or conventions stem from these.

    * Eating together is an example of good behaviour (because it
    encourages communication which helps people be type ones)
    * No running is an example of good behaviour (because running is
    disruptive to flow)
    * No sex jokes is an example of good behaviour (because actions that
    don’t serve the company or purpose and we know might upset colleagues
    are to be discouraged)
    * Writing notes of meetings is an example of good behaviour (because
    it helps people learn how a decision was made and make good decisions
    themselves).

    Bad behaviour would be:

    * Isolating yourself from colleagues
    * Not taking feedback on board
    * Over-consumption of resources
    * Politics
    * Secret meetings

    * Purpose *

    Teapots Inc’s current purpose is: ‘Make teapots amazing’

    No other purpose has been identified yet, therefore this is our
    purpose. There cannot be a placeholder purpose.

    Fulfilling this purpose is good for humanity by helping push
    disreputable coffee houses out of business and saving customers money. We
    also believe tea drinking can have very important societal benefits
    including disseminating information for president elections and
    referendums.

    Please take some time to think about where you and your teammates fall
    on the spectrum how we as a community can encourage everybody to
    become a Type 1.

    Best,
    Fergus

    N.B. I would like to thank [LIST OF PEOPLE WHO SAID NOT TO SEND THIS EMAIL] for reading a draft of this and providing their
    feedback.

    1. Annie Moose*

      Oh this is good. I would title every meeting on my calendar as “secret meeting” and loudly accuse others of over-consuming resources when they’re taking too long filling their water bottle in the breakroom.

    2. Sora*

      Oh my gosh, I love the “secret meetings” clause. What the heck prompts a CEO to throw that note in?

      1. Quill*

        That is excellent.

        I was once accused of being a tyrant when I was a club president in college and having “secret meetings”… with my roommate.

      2. Tier 4 Employee*

        He wanted to be included in every single important departmental meeting so he could audit major decisions while no one else wanted him in the meetings.
        Therefore if anyone made a decision without him being physically present it was a SECRET MEETING or ISOLATING YOURSELF FROM YOUR COLLEAGUES.
        That last one was bandied around at people who dared to hide from the open office in meeting rooms when trying to get important work done.

    3. Think on it*

      “Teapots Inc’s current purpose is: ‘Make teapots amazing’ No other purpose has been identified yet, therefore this is our purpose. There cannot be a placeholder purpose.”

      BWAHAHAHAH everything about this is hysterical!

  202. Racism in the Workplace*

    Basically, someone where I work had an argument with a single peer in a closed meeting and then sent a VERY INAPPROPRIATE EMAIL to the entire division of approximately 45 people who were not even present for the conflict. It was both a distressing and confusing email to receive. This email was never acknowledged or mentioned ever again by our management.

    As you’ll see, the subject of the email was very serious and legitimate, but in no way does it make sense for the organizational listserv to be a therapy session for the author.

    Below, in a redacted form (but I kept the typos):

    “Dear Colleagues,
    Yesterday, New Supervisor’s desire to build more collaborative ventures and Colleague 1’s suggestions that we use best practices were not the reasons why I felt the need to delineate between the responsibilities of my office and the energy I put into relationships–it was the ongoing examples in our meetings that pop up that are used to denote the difference between when Old Supervisor was in charge and now that New Supervisor is in charge.

    Awhile ago, I had asked that we not reference our colleagues that aren’t here (unless in a positive way) because I really don’t want to be complicit in negating their contributions. Old Supervisor is an important role model of mine. The first teapot of color that I have ever worked for (in my entire working career). I am proud of the work that she was able to do as the first Black Teapot (Teapot of Color) as the Old Supervisor. The problem for her is she was always the Black teapot and could never just be the Supervisor (think of Obama on a much larger scale).

    People trusted her because she gave of herself fully. I try to operate similarly. It didn’t matter to her the identity of the teapot every teapot matters. But I know that all of the time she carried the weight of marginalized teapots on her back–when she went into lead teapot crafter meetings, teapot maker meetings, beverage meetings, teapot donor meetings, old tea meetings etc.she had to couch her words so that she could attempt to create a little more room for inclusion. She had to bite her tongue when some major slight or bias cross her path so that someone else would have a chance. So if things didn’t get done that she wanted to do who was there to help and if she made a mistake who hasn’t, but I won’t fault her for standing in the storm when often she stood alone.

    In this teapot making organization I have experienced so many cuts personal and professional because of my identities. I will take the cut if I can help delay for one teapot a wound that might make them feel like they can be just a teapot–not a black or brown teapot, not a poor teapot, not a queer teapot, Asian teapot, international teapot but a teapot. It is so energy depleting being called to do a job or to grow up knowing that you will be known by a stereotype.

    This message is not the most well written–because I have another meeting to attend to, but I didn’t want to go without clearing up the reason why I shared my sense of my role as a teapot maker with all of you.”

    People were pretty freaked out about the email – and felt like the author was publicly shaming the person they were in agreement with, who quickly responded to the email chain begging forgiveness. It was kind of a mess and I’m sure it’s gone down in history – but also it’s not abnormal for the email author to behave in these ways, and they have put people on blast over email in the past.

  203. LB*

    Not sure if this counts, because it’s not a memo, but rather, a bathroom sign posted in my office. It reads, verbatim,“It is not physically healthy for others when you pee, poop or worse, on the seat or floor. You ruin the mental health of others with your continued messes and disregard. Do the right thing.”

    I still wonder what “or worse” means in that context.

    3. Drew*

      The previous two comments are where my brain went first, but maybe they “just” meant vomit?

  204. Mary Ellen*

    When I worked in the library system of a very large university, we had an email list for all library staff — it was used for announcements, meeting minutes, etc. STRICTLY work-related. (There was an informal email list that any library staffer could join, for fun/ non-work stuff.) One morning, someone at one of the smaller branch libraries sent an email out to the entire work-related list, explaining in detail that he would be changing his last name because he had just discovered that he was descended from royalty — specifically, the Plantagenets. So everyone should make sure to call him by his new last name from now on. Which was… fine, I guess, but it didn’t seem like EVERYONE needed to know this. Oh well, deleted the email and moved on. But then…

    He sent out another email, to the entire work list, with a huge, pages-long rant about how he was ROYALTY, and his adoptive family had DECEIVED him and hidden his true royal heritage from him! And so he had chosen this new last name to both honor his royal ancestors, and to punish his adoptive family! And he went into excruciating detail about how he had been deceived and what he felt he was entitled to as royalty. Again, this was to the entire, enormous, work-only email list of a huge university library system. Hundreds of people, most of whom has never even met this guy.

    And then… there was a THIRD email, all about the history of the Plantagenets, and how he was related to them, and again with the DECEPTION and name change. And then the emails stopped — hopefully because someone wrestled his keyboard away from him. I kind of wish I had kept copies of them. They were just bizarre.

    1. Queen of the File*

      I’m imagining someone who did an Ancestry DNA test and then found one of those oft-copied-without-much-critical-thought royal family trees among their matches.

      I feel a little bad for the person because it sounds like maybe they’ve got some stuff going on that’s interfering with their reason.

      1. Rebecca Riley*

        Um, yeah. I’m descended from Oliver Cromwell, which is interesting to me in terms of “gee, isn’t it nice that we don’t have to have our ancestors’ actions determine our lives today” musings, but absolutely irrelevant to the rest of my life.

  205. Merci Dee*

    So, this wasn’t all-staff, and wasn’t an email, but I still think of it fondly and some of my coworkers still like to mention it on occasion.

    So, I work in the accounting department at a large manufacturing facility that is part of a global corporation. Part of my duties include fixed asset management. I’ve worked here for just over 8 years, and my boss and I are always looking for ways to improve our asset management process. About 4 years ago, we put into place an inspection report that all requesters would have to complete when their assets finished construction or installation — we would not process the final progress payment for their purchases without this form. Our outside auditors were really enthused when we put this form into place, and they asked us to collect this form for each of our asset purchases, and not just those that required multiple payments. No skin off our noses, and that’s a great idea — done.

    One of the first requesters that I had to contact to request this inspection form has a bit of a reputation around the campus. He’s an engineer in the building across the street from us, and is known to be somewhat . . . . committed to his ideas. There’s frequent talk among the new employees in that building that this engineer will just keep talking and throwing words at you until you give in, just to get him to stop. Capitulation might be okay for some things, but there were situations where people had to stand up to him and say that, no, they weren’t going to back down and this is the way things needed to be done regardless of his thoughts on the matter. And it was always like magic — as soon as you stood up to him, you got what you needed. And he was easy to work with after that point.

    So . . . . I call our engineer to remind him that he needed to send over the new asset inspection report before we could process his final invoice for payment. And it starts — a wall of words just flowing out of the telephone at me. I just sat there and let him talk, and I had started to zone out slightly . . . . until I hear these words: “Your department used to accept the certificate of final completion we got from the vendors in order to pay the invoices, but now you’re asking us to fill out another form. You know, you should really learn to be less selfish and think of other people’s time before you make these requests.”

    Blink. Blink blink.

    It was almost like a dream. I actually pulled the handset away from my ear, and stared at it in amazement for a few seconds before I jumped back into the conversation. I broke in to his word salad with a polite and cheerful tone, “Okay, well, I’m going to email you a copy of the new asset inspection form that we need, and then I’ll get your invoice released for payment as soon as I get it back from you. Let me know if you have any problems with the form!” And then I hung up. While he was still talking.

    Within 5 minutes, I had my signed and completed asset inspection form. Half a minute after that, I had his invoice approved and released.

    Now, I have a great relationship with this engineer. He’s been here a few years longer than I have, so he has a tremendous knowledge of the machinery in his building, and I rely on him every year when we do our fixed asset inventory audit for his area.

  206. Definitely anon for this*

    Was working at a magazine publishing company when I got this gem from the CEO’s executive assistant.

    (Background: This company has an extremely toxic culture. Morale is low, super high turnover – both from employees quitting all the time and from the CEO firing entire departments unexpectedly. Everyone, in every department, is overworked. And the company isn’t doing great financially. So, naturally, the CEO thought the best thing was to require non-editors to pitch article ideas and then saddle them with more work for pitching the idea, see below.)

    Good Afternoon Employees,

    [CEO] wanted to express his deep disappointment that so few employees have been attending the weekly all hands pitch meetings on Wednesdays. These meetings are an opportunity for everyone at [company] to be more involved in the editorial/acquisitions process (not just editors); and to have only a small handful of our staff show up for the meeting sends a signal that as a company we are not doing everything that we can to push ourselves to improve, grow, collaborate, and succeed as a unit.

    UPDATES:

    Going forward, the weekly pitch meeting will be MANDATORY.
    This link is to a signup spreadsheet – each employee is required to sign up for one of the two groups (managers should make an effort to attend every pitch meeting). Group 1 will attend the pitch meeting on the first and third Wednesday of each month;Group 2 will attend the pitch meeting on the second and fourth Wednesday of each month — please ensure that each editorial department is evenly represented in both Group 1 and 2. Next Wednesday’s (3/8)pitch meeting will be for everyone in Group 2.
    Additionally, we’d like to see more non-editors in attendance and contributing (regardless of department), as we want to encourage an open exchange of diverse ideas. In the event that you’re concerned that you haven’t done enough research, or you don’t know if the research you did was relevant, please speak with [employee] or myself and we can walk you through the process and assist in any way possible.
    Editors should not pitch article ideas that would fall under their own department’s category (you have weekly pitch/ideas meetings with your department leader for that purpose) – editors should only be pitching article ideas for other departments and editors to consider.

    PITCH TRACKING & FOLLOW UP:

    The following link will be our active pitch-tracking spreadsheet. [Employee] and I will ensure it’s kept up to date.

    It will be the responsibility of the person who pitched the idea to follow up with the appropriate department head that expressed interest to provide any/all relevant information. The department leaders will then manage the scheduling of those projects. If an editor/department expressed interest in your pitch, you should be checking this sheet regularly to provide any status updates. If the status of a pitch hasn’t been updated for a while, [Employee] and I will be following up to make sure things aren’t slipping through the cracks.

    RECAP OF THIS PAST WEEK’S PITCHES:

    Going forward, following the pitch meeting each Wednesday we’ll be sending around a summary of the meeting, highlighting any notable pitches and providing updates on progress of previous pitches. Here’s a recap of a few pitches from this past Wednesday’s (3/1) pitch meeting:

    [Article Pitch #1, by employee A]
    [Article Pitch #2, by employee B]
    [Article Pitch #3, by employee C]
    [Article Pitch #4, by employee D]

    FORWARD AND ONWARD:

    We’re working hard to find new ways to engage our employees, identify effective and efficient means for collaboration, and innovate and improve our internal [company] culture – the weekly pitch meeting being one of them. That being said, we’re open to any and all ideas on how we can improve the pitch meeting (if you have any suggestions on how to encourage more people to speak up, how to structure the meeting to get through pitches more efficiently, etc.,PLEASE LET US KNOW).

    Looking forward to hearing everyone from Group 2’s great ideas at next Wednesday’s (3/8) pitch meeting at 3:30pm! Hope everyone has a great weekend.

    All Best,

    [Executive Assistant]

  207. Holy Blackberry Cobbler!*

    This one was so glorious! It also included a photograph of said blackberry cobbler. I’m going to try to find the replies to it because they were also kinda incredible, including an HR response, another assistant basically doubling down, and then an HR nail in the coffin.

    From: [an assistant]
    To: [all firm personnel in our location (more than 200 people)]
    Subject: What kind of person would do this?

    What kind of sick, disgusting person would not use a utensil to eat the crust off of someone else’s, ANYONE ELSE’S, food?

    A very sad, very hungry little person who wanted to ruin somone’s birthday dessert. To be true to [Respected Firm Partner], I picked the blackberries for this cobbler myself near my parents’ house in South [State]. I used my grandmother’s recipe for the pie crust and spent several hours in the kitchen yesterday baking it for [Jennifer]’s birthday. I hope you’re satisfied.

    Maybe you aren’t in the [Practice] group and coveted dessert anyway. We are really nice people and generally share with whoever happens to be walking by, and I would definitely give you a piece if you dropped by [Samantha]’s desk. [Jennifer]’s a really sweet person too, and she would have probably shared her birthday dessert with you even if it meant splitting her own piece. If you are so desperate for baked goods or food that you have to pick the crust off of someone else’s birthday dessert, please let me know, and I’ll be glad to give you some money to run down to the Kroger for some Sara Lee. I will also be glad to anonymously leave baked goods in the refrigerator on occasion so that you don’t starve to death. However, I cannot provide you with the integrity and probity that you swallowed with the crust off of SOMEONE ELSE’S FOOD!

    1. Holy Blackberry Cobbler!*

      From: [the original assistant]
      Sent: 50 minutes later
      To: [all firm personnel in our location (more than 200 people)]
      Subject: Apology

      My previous email was sent in the heat of the moment, and I am sorry if I offended anyone by being unprofessional. I sincerely apologize to those who were offended — this certainly was not intentional.

      1. Holy Blackberry Cobbler!*

        From: [HR Director]
        Sent: 20 minutes later
        To: [the original assistant and all firm personnel in our location]
        Subject: RE: Apology

        Thank you, [Original Assistant], for sending this follow-up e-mail, and thanks to everyone for your understanding.

        Along this constructive and positive line of thought, we take this as a reminder to carefully consider the content of an e-mail before sending it to All Personnel.

        Most significantly, we want to remind ourselves that we are proud in this firm of our very collegial environment and exemplary team spirit. We understand that certain actions that seem to run against this spirit can become frustrating. At the same time, the best way to handle these frustrations is to continue being professional and displaying a high level of integrity.

        Please don’t hesitate to address us, in administration/hr, or your practice group leader, or another person who can offer guidance in your group, with any concerns and comments. Though we may not always have an immediate and permanent solution to your concern, we will consider it carefully and offer options that will serve our common interests and enhance our working experience and the client service we provide.

        Thanks again for your understanding and cooperation.

        1. Holy Blackberry Cobbler!*

          This was the last in the chain that I still have. Maybe there wasn’t a second public response from HR after all.

          From: [second assistant]
          Sent: 10 minutes later
          To: [HR Director and all firm personnel in our location]
          Subject: RE: Apology

          I would like a “professional” solution to be proposed by management so that in this professional workplace we do not have to deal with such ridiculous and repeated actions. I have reported (to the “correct” resources, mind you) on several occasions similar instances of theft and rudeness, and I have seen no improvement.

          We all work extremely hard, and I think most of us can agree that something should be done other than keeping quiet and forcing those offended (by the original offense, and not by the complaint itself) to apologize.

          But, hey, that’s just my integrity talking.

          1. I didn't post this*

            once I pick my jaw off the floor… wow…

            What a crappy HR response. The Second Assistant is my hero

            1. Holy Blackberry Cobbler!*

              Yes, she’s a pretty awesome lady! In the last several years since this happened, she left the firm, pursued her own career, and has had so much success already! She really is a shining star of a person :-)

  208. Grapefruit Hero*

    Subject: HOPE GONE

    It is with great sadness that I let you know that as of Friday, Hope is no longer with us.

    ….
    (Hope was a manager who left unexpectedly and with little notice. I fielded calls all day from people who thought she died.)

    1. Ali G*

      Oh gawd! That’s funny. Poor Hope :)

      This reminds me of when I was very new to the workforce. I took some personal days off (instead of vacation) for something (don’t remember except that personal days didn’t carry over and so I was probably just taking a long weekend and using those days instead of vacation) and instead of saying in my OOO that “I was out of the office returning on X…” I wrote “I am on out personal leave…” I thought that was the right thing to do since it wasn’t vacation. I got so many emails from colleagues asking if I was OK, and not to worry about their email, etc. I felt SO BAD.

      1. Grapefruit Hero*

        Haha! At least you had a good excuse with being new to the work world–this email was sent by an executive in his late 60s who’s been in the field since the mid-1970s :)

  209. Oh So Very Anon*

    I have an AFLAC duck with a little dish in his back which I fill with candy. I left it on a table outside my office, and the next morning I came in and found him gone. This round of emails ensued, sent to all staff:

    Me: Where’s the duck?!

    Email proclamations of innocence ensued.

    Me: Waiting for a ransom note.

    Next day, a ransom note appeared in the spot where the duck used to be.

    Me: A ransom has been demanded for the safe return of the duck. I will gladly pay. Please don’t hurt him!

    Received many emails from others laughing at the duck’s expense.

    Me: Oh, sure, yuck it up — my duck is sitting somewhere blindfolded, scared out of his mind.

    Next day, a note with specific ransom request appeared.

    Me: Dear Ducknapper, As demanded in your note, I have gathered the full ransom in non-sequential Almont Joy bars. I await your instructions for making the exchange. Please return him unharmed. His loving family anxiously awaits his safe return.

    Emails followed with threats to steal the ransom before it could be paid, and suggestions as to the possible fate (it was close to Thanksgiving) of my duck.

    Me: Ransom has been made, in the last place I saw the duck alive. Please do not cook my duck for T’giving. I’m begging you, return my duck to me unharmed.

    Next day, I found the duck in the place where he was taken from, with a paper bag over his head.

    Me: Great news — my duck has been returned home, shaken and scared but largely unharmed. He was blindfolded during the entire ordeal and therefore cannot identify his kidnapper.

    This happened 4 years ago, and is still a topic of conversation around our office.

    1. Murphy*

      Non-sequential Almond Joy Bars!!!

      I wish stuff like this happened at my job (Well, not the senseless duck-napping, of course.)

  210. anon for this*

    Oh! And then after I left the independent station for a station owned by a small national network, there was a particularly bad snow/ice storm that crippled a large area for days, and several stations had people trapped at work. The higher ups sent out a memo insisting that all stations be equipped with emergency supplies, including sleeping bags, food, and Tang. Tang! I don’t think they were even making Tang at that point. Dire consequences were promised for any station found to not have Tang on hand.

  211. Mona Lisa Saperstein*

    I think I’ve posted about this before, but at a previous job, the CEO’s pet peeve was when the person who finished the paper towel roll in the kitchen just left the roll and didn’t replace it. (Which, fair enough, that’s definitely annoying, but her response every time it happened was WAY out of proportion.) One day, someone picked the wrong day to commit this crime against office decency, and the CEO sent out an enraged all-staff email calling whoever had left the empty roll an “ax murderer.” Unfortunately, the email somehow also went to a client and the CEO had to rapidly backtrack and do damage control.

  212. Leo*

    Hope this counts!

    When I was a student in college we could send all student emails advertising club events,pay and found items, etc. But it had to go through an administrator first. I guess this admin had not gotten her coffee for the day because all students got an email that just said:

    “I like poop! Huehuehuehue”

    I miss college sometimes.

  213. JJ*

    Mid 2000s I was a specialist at a marketing/media company and we had this PILL of a sales/client lead named Joy. One of our clients replied-all to an email chain, clearly intending it only to go to his cohort at his company, saying “Man, she is a pain in the ass, I don’t know how they put up with her. At least she gets shit done.”

    My coworker Charlie responded seconds later “You’re right, Jim, she sure does!”

    Man, I hated that woman. Back then it seemed like everyone had a song for their cell phone ring, and hers was that Goo Goo Dolls song “Iris” and she would SING ALONG WITH IT every time it rang in our open floor plan office until the last possible moment she could answer it.

  214. Dcer*

    “out until June 5 I’ll be on vacation for the next two weeks. Please direct any ***** questions to ***** and **** until I’m back on June 5.”

    Sent to 891 people. We get lots of these, people who don’t realize they’ve copied our employees in two hemispheres.

  215. anonymous for this*

    A former coworker sent this as her all-staff goodbye email. She felt undervalued at our company and attributed this to being a person of color, though most would say it was a skills/personality mismatch for her role. The meetings she refers to in the email are the person-of-color affinity group meetings which she ran. She previously worked at nonprofits and we are all very curious to see how she fares at her new big four accounting job.

    Subject: Boyz II Men – It’s so Hard to Say Goodbye

    Dear Company-all –
    My final reflections are for the staff of color at Company.

    Here’s where to find me:
    Email link, social media link, instagram link, other instagram link, phone number

    Dear staff of color at Company –
    Yes, it’s true – it’s so hard to say goodbye (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VastXQ_hPb0).

    I was driving home from City earlier in the week and listening to Colbie Caillat’s Try (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GXoZLPSw8U8). It’s about women not needing to try so hard – taking their makeup/personas off because they are perfect as they are. As I listened to the chorus, I realized this is part of my hope for all of you:

    You don’t have to try so hard
    You don’t have to give it all away
    You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
    You don’t have to change a single thing

    As a group and as individuals, we have tried so hard to fit in, to assimilate, to make ourselves smaller, to … you know what I mean. After all, This is America (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VYOjWnS4cMY), and life is hard. We walk up and down the streets or halls of Company largely not discussing the pain the world brings to our doorsteps, our friends, and our families. We are, in some ways, the walking wounded.

    And yet we find power with each other. Every other week we had the freedom to expose ourselves, to let our hair down and unwind. We laughed and cried and got outraged. We were ourselves. We didn’t have to change a single thing.

    My hope is that Company becomes a place where more of that can happen outside of our sacred place. I want you all to find your unique voice and be unafraid and unashamed to use it. My wish is to see your power, the power deep in your souls, rise up and flourish. Wow – if that happened, people would go Apes**t (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kbMqWXnpXcA).

    Your wisdom, your love, your passion, your humor – it has brought me life! It gave me strength to persist and ask hard questions and speak my truth. I am so blessed to have spent those few hours with you. I’m also so glad you all will continue without me and bring renewed energy and commitment.

    I look forward to getting together in one, five, ten years to see what magic you’ve brought to the world. I have no doubt it’ll knock my socks off.

    1. CM*

      You know, I actually love this and don’t see it as a rant, although I think it would come off that way to people outside the POC affinity group so I’m surprised she sent it to everyone in the company. It’s such a common and not often talked-about experience for people in various marginalized groups to have to hide who they are and do their best to assimilate into a culture that doesn’t totally accept them — by changing their hair, the pronunciation of their name, the language they use in conversation, their level of deference, their tone and volume of voice, all kinds of things. And that’s what this person is talking about — finding a space to be authentic in an environment that doesn’t accept them the way they are. Maybe she took the opportunity to say this openly on the way out the door because she never could while working there.

  216. beatricious*

    This didn’t happen at my company, but at a friend’s. Full disclosure, it may be apocryphal.

    My friend worked at a very large publishing house with divisions in all over the world. As with most publishing companies, his company often relied on the (illegally) unpaid labour of interns. One particular intern was very young and passionate about books, as many publishing interns are. But she took it a bit too far the day after J.D. Salinger died.

    On that day, she sent an email to the entire company – including employees in New York, Toronto, London, Sydney, Bombay, etc., everyone from interns and marketing assistants to the CFO – that said only:

    “In case anyone cares, J.D. Salinger died yesterday.”

    Apparently most people hadn’t even known it was possible to email the entire company (including, possibly, the intern – she might have thought she was only emailing people in her division, which would still have been wildly inappropriate). They had to have IT change the protocols so that only a tiny number of people would ever be able to email the entire company, and the intern was fired.

    R.I.P. J.D. Salinger, 1919-2010

  217. Grey*

    A colleague passed away and a funeral notice was circulated via email. It was written in Comic Sans, surrounded by clip art. And, in large letters at the top, it read, “Gone Too Soon” (including the quotation marks).

  218. Lynn Whitehat*

    One time, an employee watched a pirated movie on her work computer. The movie studio sent a cease and desist to the company. Then the CTO sent an email to all of us. It went something like this:

    “If you want to steal other people’s intellectual property on your personal time, that’s between you and your higher power. But when you use company resources to do it, you cross a line that isn’t yours to cross. As your [company] higher power, I am telling you that I will terminate the next employee who does this. Don’t make me prove I’m serious.”

  219. WellRed*

    I just remembered one. Our office manager, a lovely older woman, went to lunch one day with her husband and our combative buffoon of a Republican governor (he’s well known for saying things like the NAACP could kiss his butt). I think maybe it was while he was running for office. I don’t recall the specifics, but she sent an all-staff email afterward gushing about said governor and how he was just “so real” and the media don’t give him a chance (It went on in this vein). We are a media company. One of our VPs joking asked if he could bring in his preferred Dem gubernatorial candidate to stump. My understanding is she was told not to do that again.

  220. Murphy*

    Oh I found a doozy. It is super long, so I’ll take some excerpts. This is to the entire animal care department. I’ll say that I don’t necessarily object to some of the subject matter in this email.

    Subject: Understanding and Respecting Boundaries

    Hello team. Once again, I’m sending a mass e-mail because I think the information in it will be a good reminder to everyone, even though the subject matter doesn’t immediately apply to everyone. I know how you love it when I do that.

    It’s mostly that she would never actually speak to the people that it does apply t0, we’d just get these vague messages. She goes on to explain the many things that the animal care department is responsible for, and the many things that the adoption staff is responsible for, and that we are not allowed to voice any opinions or ask any questions about adoption related decisions.

    ADOPTION APPROVALS AND DENIALS ARE NOT BASED UPON PERSONAL CAPRICE. What does that mean? It means that it doesn’t matter whether the adoption counselors like the person in question, and it doesn’t matter whether _you_ like the person in question. Sometimes, really jerky butthead people can still make amazing pet owners, and we are not here to judge people. WE ARE NOT HERE TO JUDGE PEOPLE. We are not here to judge people. (You may notice that I’m repeating myself a lot. That’s because this is an extremely important item and it’s really a big deal that you all seriously get it.) We are here to educate, we are here to enlighten, we are here to help, we are here to unite people and pets.[…]

    The adoption staff does not hang around in the dog wing telling us how to fill out the food chart, or how to teach ‘sit,’ or how to do a dog meeting. They do not criticize or blame when one of the dogs makes gets into a fight or bites a volunteer. We have NEVER heard anything like, “of course that dog bit that kid. I could have told you that was going to happen!” from them, and we never will, because they have a great deal of respect for us, and they realize that they don’t know how to do our jobs better than we know how to do them. For us to do anything other than reciprocate that respect is absolutely unacceptable and I will not tolerate it.

    That last line was also highlighted in yellow. It’s true that you don’t hear this from adoption staff…because instead of discussing the many many times they were unhappy with us, they would go directly to our supervisors, who addressed these issues not by speaking to us or getting our side of the story, but by sending emails like this.

    For those of you to whom none of this applies, thank you for setting a good example and for respecting your co-workers. For those of you to whom it does apply, please quit doing all of this stuff and all stuff like it, and quit it right away.

    Have fun figuring out which category you’re in.

  221. Anonyme*

    This is a rough paraphrasing of an email chain sent too all staff in a hospital:

    Admin Assistant: “It’s the time of year when we start CHRISTMAS PARTY planning!! I need your ideas!! Where should we have it? date & time suggestions?!? Served meal? Potluck? Open bar?!?!?!?! Dancing!?! Should children be welcome?
    Send me your suggestions so I can start bookings. REMEMBER TO REPLY ALL so we can figure out something fun for everyone!”

    Several weeks and dozens of emails went back and forth as the whole hospital staff bickered about the details and complained about past parties. There was a significant portion in favour of no alcohol and children being welcome. It all came to a halt with:

    Lab Tech: “Some people want to relax at staff parties and definitely can’t do that with no alcohol and a bunch of bratty screaming kids underfoot. It’s not like I care though. I probably won’t go anyway.”

  222. iglwif*

    An email Spouse recently received at work was followed by 47 Reply All responses, all of which expressed some variation of “Please don’t use Reply All” and/or “Please take me off this distribution list”.

  223. HFM*

    When I worked at Famous University, there was a department chair that was a little…infamous. After one too many discrimination complaints (um…allegedly), she was ousted from the chair and replaced by her husband. Shortly after this, the department hired its first black person. You see where this is going, right?

    A few years later, the university was being sued for her behavior. Since the details of how she (successfully… *cough* um, I mean allegedly) torpedoed said black person’s career there were quite…colorful, and of course because it was Famous University, there was interest from the national press. Reporters were sniffing around.

    Some of the people there were upset. There was chatter on our mailing list. This lawsuit is making the university look bad! Maybe we should issue a press release defending ourselves?

    At that point, the one black person on the mailing list chimed in. “Um. No, we should not.”

    Mic dropped. Mercifully, no one was shameless enough to argue. This couple is still there, and I still warn people in no uncertain terms about the department. I’m neon white, so if even I knew there was a problem? Yeah.

  224. Yvaine*

    This was a physical memo, not an email, but still ridiculous.

    This was my first job out of college and pretty dysfunctional. One morning my dog had a seizure (which had never happened before) so I rushed him to the vet and then called my supervisor to let him know I’d be in late. He didn’t answer so I left a message and called the manager to make sure that an actual human knew what was going on and prevent any later accusations of not calling, which my supervisor was known for. Manager was very understanding, as he should have been since we worked with dogs.
    Once we were done at the vet I left the dog with my (retired) mom for the day so I could go to work. I was only about 30 minutes late but I arrived to find every single door and wall in the back office, break room, and restrooms covered in printouts of the “official calling in late or sick policy” which specified that we were only to call the supervisor on duty, never the manager, and that if the supervisor didn’t answer we were to wait for a return call. My irritating supervisor must have printed 50 of them and wasted who knows how long taping them up instead of actually working.

  225. Ask a Manager* Post author

    These are amazing. I had worried that no one would have actual emails/memos to post but I was so wrong.

    Some of these may call for a dramatic reading on a future AAM podcast.

    3. ChaufferMeChaufferYou*

      “Please take care of my tiger urine” in the ponciest voice you can muster.

  226. WinStark*

    To whom it may concern:

    Please accept my resignation effective immediately. You have voiced concerns with my job performance. Fair enough. I have had trouble learning the perforater and was dismayed to discover the complete lack of system for proofreading in this office. It seems that we are at an impasse. I cannot cope with detailed oriented work while people are watching The Voice at their desks with the speakers turned all the way up and you cannot have an employee who can’t concentrate under those conditions.

    I’m sure this decision will come as a relief to all of us as it is clear that X and Y would rather sit at the same desk all day intermittently working and watching Facebook videos without my interruption. At every turn my requests for training and guidance with regards to LCG’s specific graphics standards were ignored and/or met with complaints. The only people in the office with knowledge enough to provide training repeatedly reminded me that they did not feel they were paid enough to provide it. Also, they were busy training our supervisor. Coming in on the eve of an incredibly unpopular hiring decision I have had the chance to see how my city-parish sausage is made and am afraid I have lost the taste for it. There are plenty of fish in the civil service sea. You will find someone who enjoys spending hours each day involved in personal conflicts, Facebook pages, using slurs (the word “retarded” is a slurs,) and being asked to pray for people in office emails. Best of luck on your search.

  227. OyVey*

    Story more than note, but there is a ransom note in this story.

    I am staff for a small nonprofit that relies heavily on volunteers to produce weekend events.
    Many of our volunteers are teenagers, generally enthusiastic about their tasks but very young and very high energy.

    One weekend, a 15 year old adopted a piece of fruit big enough that the volunteer wrapped it up in a towel and told us, in a heavy theatrical accent, that the fruit was an adopted child named Steve.

    After two nights of keeping Steve safe from my chef’s knife, and telling me in great detail all about Steve’s previous life in an orphanage presumed to be in eastern europe somewhere, Steve got kidnapped by another staff member known for playing practical jokes, with a ransom note posted on our fridge: Steve has been kidnaped and is being held for ransom. If there are not 50 signatures on this petition in 24 hours, Steve will become fruit salad, MU HA HA HA HA.

    There are photos of Steve, the ransom note, the volunteer who started it faking crying, so on and so forth. The last time I mentioned making fruit salad, someone asked if we were going to resurrect Steve. :-)

  228. qifroqop*

    Years ago, I worked for a terrible start-up. Every company meeting would involve the CEO warning us that this was “our most critical quarter” & that we needed to maintain a laser focus. Then he’d lay out completely unrealistic sales goals that, based on all previous quarters, we knew would not be met. every. company. meeting. Seriously, it was a joke.

    Anyway, I guess he decided to take a new tact & sent out a company-wide e-mail — essentially the same vein. He was attempting to communicate that there was so much happening or we would all be so busy that’d we’d need jetpacks to accomplish it. OK, silly, but whatever. The subject of the e-mail (again, in reference to the jetpacks) was something along the lines of “Get Ready To Strap It On”. I think the CFO actually had to explain to the CEO that the subject could be misinterpreted.

  229. Grapefruit Hero*

    Subject: HOPE IS GONE

    It is with great sadness that I report that as of Friday, Hope is no longer with us.

    ….

    (Hope was a manager who left unexpectedly and with little notice. I fielded calls all day from people who thought she died.)

    2. Tableau Wizard*

      Please tell me that her actual name was Hope because that subject line is everything. All hope is lost!!

      1. Grapefruit Hero*

        Yep, her name was actually Hope! Reading this email was such a roller coaster. I saw the subject and thought, “oh my god, he’s finally driven this company into the ground and I’m going to be unemployed” to reading the message and wondering how he knew Hope was going to die on Friday, and then realizing that he’s just really bad at communicating.

  230. Rusty Shackelford*

    I was once on a listserv (yes, that long ago) for people in a particular profession, which had a spin-off listserv of people who liked to go off on tangents about other things. So yeah, it wasn’t exactly a professional listserv, but it still wasn’t the place for one guy to accidentally send an email he wrote to his wife, detailing what he was going to do to her that evening.

  231. Sit in Syrup*

    I used to work in a biology department of a major university. The department was upgrading some lab equipment, including freezers containing biological samples. They sent out a routine email advising everyone to move their samples out of the affected freezers by X date.

    Professor whose lab studies big cats was a continent away on a research trip, and proceeds to reply-all to the whole department:

    “Dear [Lab Manager],
    Please take care of my tiger urine samples. They are extremely valuable.”

    Our staff comment regarding professors with inflated egos became “Please take care of my tiger urine”, said in a lofty tone.

  232. ForcedSmile*

    I had an employee send me a 3-page email demanding that I change the wording of his performance review. He even provided examples and suggested wording. Essentially turning the “needs work” items into glowing personal compliments with distant whispers of where he *might* improve. E.g. “X is delightful and a joy to work with, he has fully mastered A and B and I appreciate his many, many efforts to address C.”

      1. Drew*

        Dear Fergus,

        Pursuant to your email of [date], I have changed the relevant part of your evaluation. Instead of recommending improvements, it now recommends termination. Your last day is [today’s date]. Facilities will be coming by to collect your access badge and make sure all company property is returned.

        Thank you for bringing this error to my attention.

      2. ForcedSmile*

        This was just one of the many issues, so it wasn’t worth my time to explain how insane this was. The only changes I made to the review was to clarify some points that he had misunderstood, but I was happy to do that.

        This person is no longer employed with us, thankfully.

  233. TRA*

    From a co-worker:

    Someone left a big smelly poop in the bathroom for the next person. The next person happened to be me. Please flush and do the other stuff to keep the office clean (clean up after yourself in the kitchen, don’t leave food out for mice, etc.).

  234. ladycrim*

    We received a memo about a sexual harassment training our office was holding. Unfortunately, the author forgot a key word in the subject line. The entire office was therefore informed that we were to attend a Mandatory Sexual Training. (Me: “… can we bring our own lab partners from home?”)

  235. TravelersWarden*

    I used to work in finance and was known as the Fixer. A woman bluffed her way into a job in the department and it rapidly became obvious to everyone involved that she had no idea what she was doing; she denied ALL offers of assistance and training, crippled her clients’ finances, and decided she was going to quit. I was requested to take over as the Fixer. She not only provided me none of the files (lost 3 years of financial history for the client), but on her last day, she sent a full email to everyone she was supporting, including a separate department, her boss, and myself, blaming everyone else for her failure and concluding with a quote: ” ‘We don’t rise to the level of our expectations, we fall to the level of our training’ – Archilochus”. From what I hear, she changed her mind almost immediately and tried for years to re-join the company but after that spectacular goodbye, no one would have her.

    1. Annie Moose*

      What irony that the person who refused to accept training went out on that quote… the quote was definitely accurate.

  236. Anon For This*

    We received a company wide email stating that a) 35% of the company (manufacturing and admin) were being made redundant and b) to save money the company was removing one of the two access gates to the site.

    One of the still-employed managers replied all to the entire company with a rant that in needing to drive two miles to the other gate he’d be spending £5 extra a week on petrol (not true) and who was going to be increasing his salary to pay for the extra cost.

    Another manager then replied all pointing out that this was distasteful and tone deaf, his department was losing 40% of its staff, and could first manager shut up.

  237. Jane*

    Years ago I lived in New Zealand on a working holiday visa and the building manager of the company I worked at was hilarious. I still have some of her emails saved. Re-reading then now I can see how someone would take it the wrong way, but they genuinely were very lighthearted:

    Good morning all,

    Someone has logged a job with United for a dripping airconditioning unit. United have not got a contact name and no information about where the dripping unit is in the building.

    I unfortunately chose today to leave my crystal ball at home for a much needed rest and my telepathy skills are still in their infancy stages, I might need a little tip on where the issue is being experienced.

    Once I know this valuable information, a clear picture will emerge and the like magic, a person looking strikingly like myself will show up to have a look see and then will return, disguised as an aircon technician, complete with overalls and a ladder … and most likely a slightly deeper voice – might be taller, or shorter and my nationality might vary also … oh and my gender.

    I look forward to a paramormal event whereby my phone will start ringing and a mysterious voice will tell me to go to a certain area and wait until a drip falls on her head … kind of like Chicken Little, only different.

  238. Student*

    It was company-wide to several hundred people (including outsiders loosely affiliated with the company) and went something like this:

    “All,

    I am pleased to announce that our new financial system is now on-line. You can manage and track your project funding in this new system, along with many other neat new features. Please check it out at {internal website link}.

    Your user name on the new system is {simple combo of letters in first and last name}. For example, mine is {his user name}. Your password is the same as your user name.

    -Finance Head”

    I did a double-take, then promptly tried to log in as the most powerful person in the company and succeeded.

    You can use the financials system to order stuff, to move money between accounts, approve spending on an account, etc., so this was not a small amount of power to have. I sent them an email about the security vulnerability (though I was sorely tempted to just change the CEO’s password). Then I told my manager about it (including the successful log-in as CEO), so that he’d hopefully protect our own funds with a password change and maybe clue in the relevant managers to fix this.

    To my astonishment and disappointment, they never forced a general password reset or did anything to meaningfully fix the security vulnerability they created. They did have the CEO send out an email saying that he’d changed his password, and encouraging the rest of us to do the same, so at least that bit got through to somebody.

  239. hg*

    So, the backstory on these is that, for months, someone kept *smearing poop* all over the stall in one of our building’s men’s rooms, whenever they used it.

    Date: Thursday, January 7, 2016 at 9:34 AM
    Subject: Restroom Hygiene/Courtesy

    Good Morning,

    It’s come to my attention that there seems to be a hygiene concern in the men’s restrooms on the Creative side of the building. [EMPLOYER] pays for a cleaning service to ensure that our buildings stay clean and presentable. As [EMPLOYER] employees, it is our responsibility to clean up after ourselves whether that be in the breakrooms, offices and especially bathrooms. Please be respectful to other employees when utilizing these facilities. Poor hygiene in our restrooms can lead to a variety of problems that can be avoided by simply cleaning up after ourselves.

    As a reminder, the restrooms by the reception area are to be utilized by our clients and visitors. We have multiple restrooms in other areas of the building that can be used by employees.

    Your immediate attention to this matter is greatly appreciated.

    ****

    Date: Wednesday, March 23, 2016

    Over the past few months there have been several concerns regarding the lack of cleanliness in our restrooms. The most recent concerns have pertained to the restrooms in the lobby of [BUILDING] that are intended for visitors, clients and our executives. HR on numerous occasions has cleaned bathrooms in between uses to ensure we are providing a clean and usable space. As this continues to be a problem, we have decided to place locks on the two restrooms in the Reception area. The keys will be managed by the receptionist and given to visitors as needed. If we have a large group of executives or clients onsite we will open the restrooms for the day. Please refrain from using these restrooms if the door is open on a day that we are hosting our special guests.

    We have also decided that due to the changes in law pertaining to gender identification, we will be changing those restrooms to unisex.

    I wanted to make you aware of these changes as the restrooms have become an increasing problem, and while I don’t like to micromanage bathroom usage it’s imperative that the facility remains clean and usable. This decision was not made lightly and we have discussed it with leadership. We are sorry for the inconvenience and we thank you for your understanding.

  240. Anon for This*

    A manager in a long ago job had a melt down about the state of our break room and sent out an email to everyone going on and on about how she had just come from the break room and how we were not pigs and should not live like them and in particular, how important it was that used tea bags were not left out on saucers looking like wrinkled eyeballs.

    I was the office manager and after reading this, went to the break room, which looked pretty clean to me. There were three tiny crumbs by the toaster oven and on a saucer by the sink was a single used tea bag. I brushed off the crumbs, tossed the tea bag, and let her know it was all fixed.

    There was then a email to all staff lauding me as a hitherto unsung hero for cleaning up after people who should know better.

    She was fired about six months later for embezzlement…

    1. Funbud*

      I will never again see a used tea bag without thinking “That looks like a wrinkled eyeball…”

  241. School Psych*

    We had a massive problem at a high-school I worked at with people taking items out of lunches that were left in the teacher’s lounge. We sometimes also got candy and snacks stuck in our mailboxes for staff appreciation by a volunteer organization that worked with our school and people would steal each others snacks. All staff emails would go out with the subject Missing and would read something like: My staff appreciation juju bees are missing! I want to eat my juju bees. Who took them?! Please return!! At one point one teacher got so frustrated with people stealing stuff from the communal fridge that he covered the fridge in different colors of construction paper and wrote the following message all in caps in black marker. It was written in both English and Spanish(No idea why. Everyone in our building spoke English):

    Please do not take things from this fridge that do not belong to you. If you are having some sort of emergency where you absolutely must have cream in your coffee or a light refreshment, just ask! Don’t be the depraved individual who takes another man’s string cheese. Thanks!(Por favor no toque algo in este fridge que no es tuyo…).

    It made me laugh every time I saw it and was actually somewhat effective at curbing the thefts. It stayed up for the rest of the year.

    1. Mea Culpa*

      Many years ago I stuck this note on the front of our office fridge:

      What kind of sociopath steals a pregnant woman’s milk? You should be ashamed of yourself.

      (Turned out to be one of my friends, who said, I knew you wouldn’t mind.)

      And that is why I bought my very own mini fridge.

  242. There is a Life Outside the Library*

    I don’t have these anymore since they’re from Old Job:

    – In response to a campus wide email reporting about a sexual assault that had happened the day before, a guy managed to reply all and wondered if these emails were really necessary. Since the university had started doing this, lots of people questioned their purpose and/or helpfulness. So there were a lot of heated conversations after that. Personally, it enraged me that a dude just felt that these rape notifications were interrupting HIS life.

    – Rather than have a separate listserv for things people were giving away or girl scout cookies, we were supposed to put “opportunity” in the subject line so people could filter them out if they wanted to. Well, of course, people often forgot to do that or misspelled the word and it would get through.

    – One “opportunity” was for a someone who was looking for a new realtor because their’s had just died. Such an inconvenience.

    – Another opportunity was from a serial listserv abuser who sent a video about cuttlefish. When he apparently received some negative feedback he sent another email to the whole list saying, “This is the last time I try to brighten your day. Later HATERS!”

    – Another was about fire safety. So and so’s neighbor had drunkenly started a fire, so they told the whole story, including how they were in their undies and cracking open a beer when they had to evacuate the building.

    I could go on forever, but I’m trying to forget that hellhole.

  243. Dotty*

    We had a 12 pages (yes 12 whole pages) of “Kitchen Protocols” from our HR manager on how to properly use the kitchen in our office. This was not only sent in a whole company email but also printed out (twice) and stuck to the kitchen wall and across all the cupboard doors.

  244. CS Rep By Day, Writer By Night*

    Many years ago when I was the defacto IT person for our department, we had a couple of remote salespeople who would use the all-department email list to send jokes, urban legend email chain letters and extremely partisan political ramblings. This was back when business email was relatively new for our company, so I suggested to the department head that we might want to nip this in the bud and have a department policy that the all-department email was to be used for business correspondence only. I think he thought I was being a bit of a killjoy, but did follow through with my suggestion because I would not stop saying that one of these days someone would send an email that was going to them in a lot of trouble.

    About two days after the policy announcement we all received an email from one of the outside salespeople in question with the subject line of “Happy Easter” and an innocuously titled .jpg attachment. I sighed and opened the attachment, thinking it was an ecard (not business related but certainly not an egregious boundary stomp), and instead it was a picture of a woman’s naked breasts decorated to look like bunny rabbit faces. It’s been over 10 years, y’all, and I still can’t unsee it – there is not enough brain bleach in the world. I made a sound somewhere between a gasp and a scream, which was then echoed throughout the cubical farm as everyone else opened the attachment. The person who sent it claimed that they picked the wrong email address, but I’m convinced it was a total F-Y to the home office for telling her she couldn’t forward her crappy chain emails from relatives to us anymore.

  245. Ellen N.*

    This email was sent by a partner to all employees in response to several employees returning from lunch ten minutes late. They were celebrating one of the employees birthday. Bear in mind that many of the employees (myself included) were salaried. Also bear in mind that if a client called at five minutes to lunch time we would be required to put the client on hold so that we could get permission from the office manager or a partner to assist them:

    I want to remind everyone of the office policy re lunch hours because some employees are not adhering to it on a consistent basis:

    All employees are to take to take lunch from 12 to 1 or 1 to 2; this does not mean 12:10 to 1:10, or 12:05 to 1:10, or 1:05 to 2:05. Bookkeeping offices must be covered during lunch time, i.e., both staff members may not be at lunch at the same time.

    Deviations in the schedule cause disruptions in staff coverage, inconvenience to other employees and annoy our clients. Obviously, from time-to-time there may be a pressing need for an exception to the lunch hour schedule; in that situation, prior approval must be sought and obtained from either [Office Manager’s Name], [Partner’s Name] or me.

    If I observe continued abuse of this policy, I will have no choice but to mandate what time each staff member may go to lunch. Let’s all work together to avoid that.

    Thanks.

  246. SS*

    I worked for a tech company earlier in my career. On the Customer Service team (which I wasn’t a part of), one of the reps had been promoted internally to a more technical role. She wrote a goodbye letter to her team, which seemed innocuous enough. Until she pointed out to people that the first letter of every sentence spelled out “F*** You [full name of Customer Service manager]”. She was promptly fired and escorted offsite. Caused quite the stir. I still am amazed that she pointed it out. She was so proud of herself that she couldn’t let it go unnoticed. What did she think was going to happen?

    1. EvilQueenRegina*

      Did she still end up starting in the more technical role, or did that letter prompt management to have a rethink?

  247. Uniform Plumbing Code*

    I think this was actually sent before my time there, but it continued to be shared with generations of new folks:

    ==========
    Engineers,
    Here’s a fact you probably were not aware of: the Uniform Plumbing Code, which regulates how many restroom stalls are required per hundred employees in the western states, was original written in 1945.

    1945. In that pre-history before the internet. Before wifi. And most of all, before iPhones.

    Now that we have all those things the, um, shall we say, “time on throne” has gone up dramatically and the consequent throughput of the facility has gone down. So much so that our restrooms both in [office location A] and in [office location B] are incapable of properly accommodating everyone during peak hours.

    So… because we need to return to the “stall productivity” of 1945, pre-internet, pre-wifi, and pre-iPhone, please don’t use your “throne time” to catch up on twitter or Angry Birds or how well the sales are doing. (All of that is available once you return to the “outside” world.)

    We all thank you,
    – [male SVP]
    ==========

    By the way, this was a fairly typical engineering department, which is to say, there were never enough women on the teams for this problem to possible in the women’s bathrooms.

    1. Incantanto*

      Ahh my building has gone frim mostly small r and d and texh companies to mostly the NHS.

      There are now queues in the ladies bathroom goddamite

    3. Empty Sky*

      “I’ll take an extra bran muffin, please. I’m working on improving my restroom throughput. It’s one of my KPIs!”

  248. Nerdling*

    Just today, someone sent an email with the subject line “Do Not Reply.” The only text was the word “Test” (it’s testing a new listserv).

    Amazingly, no one replied.

  249. Notapirate*

    The original email was fine. The head of the departments response on the other hand…

    Original:
    “Dear all,
    I found now a couple of times this week that the [floor] common space was unlocked, and the light were on in the morning. If you are the last person to leave the office on the [###] floor ([conferance room number] and all attached offices), please lock both doors (front and back) and switch off the light!
    Thanks.”
    Reply:
    “Let’s pretend we are all professionals – please! [author’s name]”

    The backstory is a department split over a couple different floors and different rooms, and everyone works different hours. So the issue is that sometimes the last person out does not realize they are the last person out (maybe oblivious, maybe assume someone is in another room working) and no one locks up. No one is the designated lock up person either, which seems like the best solution to me.

    1. A username for this site*

      We had this in a small office where I worked. Door being left mysteriously unlocked, last people in/out being the housekeeping crew, food missing from the kitchen.

      Best as we could guess, the cleaning crew was using the 80″ television in the conference room + our snacks + our beverages to watch sports events, sometimes on the weekends when no one was in office.

  250. Homophobic response when staff member dies*

    I worked at a small university where anyone with a staff email address (including retired staff members) could send staff-wide emails to all other staff.

    A prominent national politician (a woman) was married to a lecturer at the university (another woman). They were a very high-profile couple in the country. The lecturer unfortunately died after an illness.

    The spectacular email was a homophobic screed sent by email by a retired lecturer *the day she died*. This went to all members of staff and made national news.

    It called her a good friend but blah blah homosexual lifestyle blah blah hope she’s right with God. Really infuriating.

    I’ll link a story in comments to this comment.

    2. Homophobic response when staff member dies*

      I don’t have the email anymore, or at least I can’t find it, but it is easily findable online:

      May the Lord have mercy on the soul of my late good friend and former colleague of almost forty years, Anne Louise Gilligan, and may she rest in peace. It was a privilege to work with Anne Louise and our mutual friend Katherine Zappone over the years on many projects supportive of poor urban and rural students.

      I valued Ann Louise’s and Katherine’s friendship all the more because it did not prevent me giving expression to the fact that same-sex attraction is a disorder that can be overcome and affected individuals restored to orderly sexual orientation; that people are robbed of their human dignity by being defined solely in terms of sexual attraction and grouped under the hideous acronym LGBT; and that a (sexual) relationship between two women or between two men cannot be conjugal, cannot be consumated, and cannot constitute marriage.

      I hope that these views are respected and not disparaged in the School of Nursing and Human Sciences. I would be happy to deliver a lecture which would present a Catholic Christian response to same-sex attraction, informed by the latest research in the area. It was a great sadness to me when Anne Louise told me that she had outgrown her Christian Faith.

      Please God, she may have regained her belief and returned to the practice of the Faith. It is an even greater sadness to me that our mutual friend Katherine gives ever-more strident voice to calls for the liberalisation of legislation allowing the murder of an infant in the womb as a response to threatened suicide.

      The death of a relative or close friend is often a time to assess one’s life’s achievements, beliefs and practices. It is my prayer that Katherine will use this time of sadness to reassess her espousal of a number of causes which besmirch a record of solicitude for others and particularly the poor.

      I am, with every good wish,

      CXXXXXX O XXXXX, survivor of same sex abuse.

      1. Homophobic response when staff member dies*

        The “friend” he refers to is her wife, in case it’s not clear.

        1. Drew*

          Hard same. That’s . . . that’s what you sent as a condolence, CXXXXXX? I do not think that word means what you think it means.

          1. Homophobic response when staff member dies*

            Just for context, the Katherine in the letter, the widow, is the prominent politician I mentioned and she had campaigned hard for same-sex marriage to be legalised a few years before. So CXXXXXX was trying to make a political point, maybe? I’m not sure. It certainly doesn’t make it any more or less vile.

  251. deets*

    I work at a small, mostly-remote business. Back when I started I worked in the home office with one of the owners and two other new hires. Owner was in his mid-30s, the rest of us were mid-20s. Owner was (and is) convinced that millennials are incapable of following business norms and thus only used millennial as an insult.

    I won’t paste in the whole message because it’s fairly identifying, but one morning the three of us received an email from him titled “Dearest Millennials.” It was a list of requests/reminders of how he wanted the office to look and function, but phrased in the most patronizing way possible. He used hashtags throughout, which we never figured out but assumed was an attempt at millennial-friendly communication. And he closed the thing out by chastising us for not sending thank-you emails after receiving our bonus checks.

    1. Mid-30s Millenial*

      If this is recent it’s extra bizarre because many millennials are in their mid-30s now.

  252. superdi*

    A couple of weeks after I started at a new company someone retired and sent the following email to the entire organization. The phrasing of the first half of the email was hilariously passive-aggressive but the more I read the more I got the feeling that it may have been accidental. I still can’t decide so I’m throwing it out to you all…

    From: REDACTED
    Sent: Friday, March 27, 2015 7:06 PM
    To: ENTIRE ORGANIZATION>
    Subject: Thank you for the memories!

    As many of you probably know, March 31 2015 is my last day at <>. But before I leave, I wanted to take this opportunity to let you know what a great and distinct pleasure it has been to type” Tuesday is my last day.” For nearly as long as I worked here at <> I’ve hoped that I might one day leave and retire and now this dream has become a reality. I would like to thank all managers both past and present. Over the past 24 years you have taught me more than I could ever ask for. I have been fortunate enough to work with some absolutely interchangeable supervisors, on a wide variety of projects. To all Executives of <>, despite working through countless managers, I have benefited tremendously by working here and I truly thank you for that. Thank you for the support and encouragement you have provided during my time at Travis. To those who I have held great relationship with, I will miss being your co-worker and will cherish our history together. I would appreciate your continued advice as I start the next phase of my life. It may be hard to say “goodbye” but the “GOOD’ with it is “A PROMISE OF SOMETHING BETTER” I will enjoy my retirement “NOW not When.” Above all Thank You Lord for this retirement and I’m able to enjoy my time with my family, my husband ,my three daughters and my five grandchildren.
    Best Regards
    Cora

    1. Lily in NYC*

      Hmmm, I think it’s sincere and she is just excited to retire, but then I got to the “to those who I have held a great relationship with” part is kind of passive aggressive.

  254. Quinley*

    This happened when I was in college:

    One day, I was late for my Polit-Sci class, like really late (15 minutes but damn if I didn’t NEED that bagel sandwich). So I arrive late, with the offending sandwich that made me late, assuming I’m going to be interrupting a lecture and get reamed/Shamed. To my surprise, not only did the professor barely notice me come in, but based on what little context I was getting from what he was saying, it turns out he was in the middle of some sort of apology for…????? I was so relieved to not be in trouble, so I didn’t think anything of it.

    Fast-forward to the end of the semester, when it’s time to evaluate the professor. He walks out of the room, as per policy leaving us to work, and some of the students talk among themselves about how they can’t really think of anything negative to say about him, or give any specific comments, since he was, by all accounts, a great educator. After a lull in the conversations, one kid punctuates the silence with the following: “Heh, he writes great emails,” which causes everyone but me to burst into laughter. When I asked the girl next to me what was so funny, she said something about an email he’d sent, and brought up the apology. I mentioned I was late that day, and had not checked my email the night before because I assumed it was related to an assignment I’d already finished. As the cheekiest grin spreads across her her face, she pulls up Blackboard on her laptop, and shows me The Email.

    Turns out, the professor was using his work email to coordinate swinger hookups for him and his wife, and accidentally sent a pretty raunchy email (meant for a couple they’d met over the weekend) to our entire class.

    Thankfully, we were the only one of his 7 classes to get it, and to his credit he immediately went to the department head and explained what happened.

    1. Quinley*

      Not Quite Work related, but I saw a similar comment above, and figured why not. But I do realize where this might be off-topic.

    2. Lily in NYC*

      Whoa! Can you imagine the feeling the poor guy got in his stomach when he realized what he did?

  255. Starry Eyes*

    The greatest all-staff emails I have received are from my graduate school days — all about coffee and dirty dishes.

    A few highlights from different emails:

    “The uncleaned dishes are in the sink for a while. If they are your dishes or you used them, please wash them. One story when I was wildlife wrangler a long time ago: A dead cockroach was lying in the water in one uncleaned dish. Though he was dead, he looked happy. So please wash them. ”

    “There have been a number of curious developments lately with regard to the coffee pot in room 550. In addition to
    the usual exploration of Xeno’s paradox (how little a half-cup absolves the drinker from making a new pot when the old one is almost empty), there is a new phenomenon: The Coffee Energy Cop.

    The Coffee Energy Cop (CEP) , or Cops, seem to wander into 550 at 3:00 in the PM and turn off the power. For those of us desiring a shot of caffeine at 4:00 in the afternoon for a final work spurt, this is exceedingly antisocial! I have not been complaining about this (who needs more email). However, today the pot was turned off at 9:50 AM with warm coffee sitting in the caraf on it.

    So at this time the CEP has two choices: cut it out, or come talk with me and explain why you are doing this. Stealth is not an answer, I can figure out who you are if I really want to!”

    Sigh, I miss academia.

  256. Slaycie*

    Mine is very simple but it went out to almost the entire company (of about 900 people). An employee was doing some final paperwork before leaving. He emailed back the HR rep who was helping him with a single “hi, you are terrible at hr.” Then he copied every single distribution list he could think of (our various markets and departments had their own distros so you could just type in city@companyname.com to reach everyone who worked there.) The best part was the “helpful” person who replied all saying, “Oh, I don’t think this should have been sent out to the whole company” so that it appeared back in our inboxes again.

  257. The Other Mrs Darcy*

    This one was sent before I joined my former company, but it’s a favorite. I came from a lawyer at one of our sites, and was sent to everyone in the department (a subset of the whole Legal Division) as well as to all other colleagues at the site.

    Subject Line: The Fish Rots From The Head Down

    It is with unbridled joy that I announce my resignation from [Company].

    I have accepted a new employment opportunity that will undoubtedly be a healthier work environment, where teamwork, leadership, integrity, and respect for people are more than just rhetoric. No one should have to endure a hostile work environment where discrimination, harassment, and retaliation are not only tolerated but rewarded.

    Good luck in your future dealings with the [Site] [Subset] Department.

  258. I wanna build a home by the ocean*

    A former co-worker’s wife sent a company-wide email (from her personal email, I don’t even know how she did that) in the middle of the night, alerting us all that her husband and one of our accounting staff were having a torrid affair, presumably on company time as well as times when he said he was working, and went into a delightful rant about how awful he was and how awful we all were for letting this happen – none of us knew, they were super secretive. The co-worker was the accounting staff’s manager, to boot.

    Our small company’s CEO/Owner is very family-oriented and that type that doesn’t condone adultery, much less manager-staff relationships happening during office hours. I was in a time zone three hours ahead of our company headquarters, and the only manager in that time zone, so I got the not-so-enviable task of waking up my CEO at 4AM to let him know what was going on, followed by waking up our IT guy to have the message recalled from those people who were not yet working. This placed me in a position of “involved” in the situation, so I was cc’ed on all communications about the incident and my presence demanded on all the calls about it.

    The manager and the staff member were fired by end of the day, but in the end they are married with a couple of kids now.

  259. bis*

    At my old very small start-up company, after complaints about men displaying playboy calendar model pictures on their desks, the lone legal department employee sent an email to everyone (about 30 people) asking his fellow men to keep them in the men’s restroom. The CEO (also a man) quickly replied all saying to not have these pictures anywhere in the office, even the men’s bathroom. I, one of the women who initially complained about the desk placement, was shocked to find out they’d been in the bathrooms for eons. But today it just makes me laugh.

    1. Jaydee*

      Great job legal department. You said the quiet part loud. The women didn’t even know there were playboy calendar girl pics in the men’s room. You are why we can’t have nice things. /all the sarcasm

  260. Twelve Oaks*

    My first job out of college was working for a radio station in Seattle, 1986. Following memo from the owner/general manager:

    IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT A PERSON HAS BEEN KICKING AND BEATING ON EQUIPMENT IN OUR PRODUCTION ROOM. IF I FIND OUT WHO DID IT, OR I SEE ANYONE DO SAME TO ANY EQUIPMENT, I PERSONALLY WILL KICK THE SH*T OUT OF THAT PERSON. I WILL NOT STAND FOR THE ABUSE OF EQUIPMENT IN THIS BUILDING. YOU WILL BE FIRED ON THE SPOT.

    Only he didn’t asterisk the ‘s” word. I was fired shortly thereafter, not for abusing equipment, but for being a poor typist.

  261. Lily in NYC*

    I don’t know if this really fits the theme but my former boss once brought a photo from his colonoscopy to a small team meeting because he was so happy not to have any polyps. I was sitting next to him and he handed it to me to look at and pass to the next person. I did not even know it was possible to get a photo from one’s colonoscopy. And you could totally tell what you were looking at. WHY ERIC, WHY???? (I didn’t even change his name). The person next to me refused to take the photo from me.

    1. Lily in NYC*

      Replying to myself to add: It was a photo from inside of his colon, not a photo of him lying on the table with a tube snaked up his butt!

    2. Ask a Manager* Post author

      They give you a photo of the inside of your colon! It’s fascinating. I wanted to show mine to everyone too. It’s just pink tissue, not anything gross (except it’s gross anyway, I suppose, by nature of being your colon).

      1. Lily in NYC*

        OMG. How about I give you Eric’s email address and you send it to him as a special favor to me!

      2. Jaid_Diah*

        I have my hysterectomy photos on my cell phone. Uterus, ovaries, endometriosis and the outside of the colon are visible. It was laparoscopic so there are only five little scars to remind me!

  262. Aimee*

    We had a new employee tasked with promoting her division, who apparently had not spent enough time on the internet.

    She sent out a company-wide email with the subject line “Are you on Instagram? If yes, please FFS!”

      1. Farewell Email Hall of Fame*

        I still pause when I see STD for short term disability or save the date.

  263. Traffic_Spiral*

    Do typos count? We were discussing policy for an online merchant and we’re talking about when we hold the transporter liable if the end client complains about receiving damaged goods. So what the guy was meaning to say was: “We agreed that we gonna show our item to the courier and let him sign that the item is in a good condition before we wrap it.”

    However, what he wrote was “We agreed that we gonna show our item to the courier and let him sign that the item is in a good condition before we rape it.”

    BTW, they were selling shoes. So if you were ever wondering how you can buy a pre-broken-in-shoe…

  264. AnonForThis*

    A few years back, I was working as an admin at a major research university, and a few thousand employees were mistakenly CCed instead of BCCed on a general all-staff email (the content wasn’t important in any way). As you might imagine, a few special folks replied-all with their opinions on the email. Then, a few more replied-all to tell people to stop replying-all. THEN, more and more people chimed in, repeatedly telling everyone to stop replying-all. This resulted in literally dozens of pointless emails coming into everyone’s inboxes. Finally, one employee had had enough, and replied-all with “For f**k’s sake, just stop.”

    And everyone did.

    and within two minutes, the Provost had called that person’s supervisor to inquire about who, exactly, this low-level admin was who had sent the profanity-laden email. Long story short, the employee was reprimanded (but not fired) and remains a hero to this day.

    1. AnonForThis*

      And, I should clarify – the original email contained the full-on, uncensored f-bomb. Glorious.

      1. Hey Karma, Over here.*

        A working class hero is something to be
        A working class hero is something to be
        If you want to be a hero well just follow me
        If you want to be a hero well just follow me

  265. CheeryO*

    I work at an environmental agency, and a select few have taken it upon themselves to be the environmental police. The best is a sign that has somehow been left up on the fridge for months. It has a picture of a heron with a plastic bag around its head, with an all-caps “DO YOU REALLY NEED THAT PLASTIC BAG? WHY NOT A REUSABLE BAG INSTEAD?” It has not curtailed plastic bag usage by one iota, but I would assume that we are all responsibly recycling our plastic bags and not allowing them to strangle the local fauna.

  266. chumpwithadegree*

    Read from the bottom up. I hope this doesn’t out me-this acutally went on most of an afternoon. Lazy employee thought that being a Union Rep would save his job. He was wrong, and this did not help.

    FROM PROGRAM MANAGER John Doe – IT IS NOW MARCH 2ND 2:32 PM, THERE OTHER DEPARTMENTS AND OPERATIONS IN THIS BUILDING, SOME ARE COMPLAINING, AND IN DUE RESPECT TO THE WORK REQUIREMENTS OF THE DAY, AND CONCERNS FROM SCIF PEOPLE, IT APPEARS THAT ENOUGH E MAIL ON THIS SUBJECT HAS BEEN SENT , DISCUSSING ALL SIDES, IT IS NOW TIME TO DISCUSS THE WORK OF THE DAY – John Doe MARCH 2ND

    —–Original Message—–

    Outlook does have the capability to produce a distribution list

    —–Original Message—–

    Amen to that… thanks…

    —–Original Message—–

    In fairness to Mr. Union Rep, who is simply doing his job as a Union Steward, this e-mail is more informational, and in no way should be construed as a solicitation of any sort. There are people like me who appreciate being reminded of my rights. It is unfortunate that our e-mail system includes everyone, and does not have the capability to take off names of people who wish so. For those of you who seem to have a problem with such kind of e-mails, perhaps a quick deletion would solve it. Thank you.

    —–Original Message—–

    Hi!
    Just curious, Are you solicitating work comp claims???????
    Just remember, if your job is soooo stressful it affects your health maybe you need another job!!!!!
    <[:o(

    —–Original Message—–

    There's television for this kind of advertisement……….I hope my Union dues aren't used to pay for this
    commercial.

    —–Original Message—–
    From: Union Rep
    To: All Users
    Cc:
    Subject: For bargaining units ONLY!!!(Please delete if this does not apply to you. Thanks)

    KNOW YOUR RIGHTS!
    Source: Our Union website

    WHAT IS STRESS?
    It is a myth that stress is always the result of personal problems. Stress is a health problem which can often be caused or aggravated by conditions at the workplace. Stress can result from a short-lived event such as almost being hit by a car, or it can become a day-in, day-out condition such as working under pressure or hazardous conditions. No matter what the cause of the stress, the overall effect on our health is the same.
    Stress can cause disease
    Our bodies can usually compensate for stress, enabling us to get on top of the stressful situation without any harm to our physical or emotional health. If we are under very severe stress or repeated stress, however, mechanisms our body has used to combat stress can begin to cause disease.
    Stress-related diseases
    • Heart disease
    • High blood pressure
    • Increased cholesterol
    • Diabetes
    • Peptic ulcer disease
    • Regional enteritis
    • Ulcerative colitis
    • Rheumatoid arthritis
    • Infections
    • Muscle spasm causing headaches, backaches, spastic colon
    • Emotional problems

    Symptoms of stress
    Aside from the conditions listed above, there are early warning symptoms which can indicate that we are under more stress than we realize. It is important to pay attention to these symptoms and not just assume that they are part of growing older.
    Symptoms of too much stress
    • Agitation, worrying, depression
    • Nothing-matters-anymore attitude
    • Headaches, backaches
    • Excessive sleep or inability to sleep
    • Loss of weight and appetite
    • Compulsive eating and weight gain
    • Skin rashes and itching
    • Indigestion, diarrhea, constipation
    • Sexual problems
    • Increased drinking, smoking or use of drugs

    How do jobs cause stress?
    Usually job-produced stress continues day-in and day-out and slowly grinds us down. There are stresses that are common to all jobs. Causes of stress on the job include, but are not limited to:
    • Harassment
    • boredom
    • discrimination
    • powerlessness
    • job security
    • confusion
    • environment
    • increased workload
    • competing with others
    • lack of upward mobility
    • opportunity
    • burnout
    • lack of recognition

    What you can do
    The first thing you must do is RECOGNIZE that headaches, high blood pressure or ulcers may be caused or aggravated by your work. You may think that your bad health or depression is your own personal problem, but if you talk to co-workers, you may find they are developing many of the same problems.
    The solution lies in eliminating the cause of the stress. This is not always possible, but there are individual things that each person can do to help cope with stress, such as exercise and relaxation techniques.
    When management decisions at the workplace are a major cause of stress, workers must stand together with their union and demand changes.

  267. AnonV*

    This is pretty minor compared to what it could be, but it makes me laugh every time (I know fridge theft is obnoxious):

    Subject: missing lemon – have you seen it?

    To whomever is enjoying that extra dash of tart, fresh, acidity with their lunch (from my half a lemon that you took from the fridge)… isn’t it delicious? Mmm mmm mmm!
    Didn’t realize I needed to label half a lemon with black magic marker with my name, now I know.
    For real, can we all stop stealing from the fridge? WTF!

  268. toosarcasticforthis*

    We have some good ones here, at my small liberal arts college, regarding staffing for commencement. One was a poem, and the other one was this gem.
    ================================
    Dear Colleagues,

    The scenarios below are not my imagination. Without more of you helping (dozens more!), we will not be able to deliver the Commencement our graduate students deserve – the happiest day of their year. Please sign up now. Please make sure your colleagues have signed up. (And thanks so much to those of you already signed up to work next Friday at Commencement!)

    —
    The Grinch that Stole Commencement (with apologies to many!)

    Poor Cindy Lou Hoo, (MSW candidate) – she wasn’t able to find her place in the Commencement line-up – there was no staff to guide her – so she never marched across the stage. Her grandmother Hoo had come all the way from Hooville and wept.

    Cindy Lou’s cousin Lindy Sue Hoo, (MSN candidate) got across the stage, but sadly couldn’t get her picture taken with her diploma because no Simmons staff was available to help hand out diplomas at the Pavilion. Grandma Hoo sobbed.

    And the rest of the Hoo relatives from Hooville couldn’t get into the Pavilion or got lost on their way to the ballroom at the hotel for live streaming because there was nobody at the Will Call ticket window to hand out tickets or in the hotel to direct them to the right ballroom. Grandma Hoo wailed.

    Your heart will grow three sizes if you sign up today to join us next Friday for the afternoon graduate commencement: to make sure the Hoos from Hooville (and all of the rest of our graduates and their families) have a great day.

    1. Alucius*

      Was working at commencement an official part of people’s job description, or were they relying on volunteers?Because volunteering-that-isn’t-voluntary would be one of those things that would drive me up a wall…and the cutesy poem definitely wouldn’t help.

  269. Incantanto*

    The email sent invitig us to an all staff meeting by the new CEO was worrying enough as we don’t do all staff meetings often.

    The fact it was sent by accident from the email address of the old CEO, who we’d all been to the funeral of, did not reduce the worry levels.

  270. HR Manager*

    From our HR Assistant/Office Coordinator (and my direct report) after multiple people stopped by his desk to tell him we’re out of creamer:

    “I always thought there would be creamer, it was the only constant in my life. Until the fateful day that it disappeared…without a trace”
    – A concerned cream drinker.
    Reports of the missing creamer have shook the [Company] to it’s very core, and now the concerned employees are asking, how can I go on without any creamer?
    However, all hope is not lost. After hours of scouring the deepest recesses of the internet, your fearless Lobby Boy has located a potential merchant who is willing to re-supply the [Company] with it’s precious life-giving cream.
    In fact, recent reports show that the cream in question is en route to the [Company] at this very moment. But will it be enough? Will it arrive in time to quell the riots? Will sanity ever be restored? Only time will tell.
    Momento Mori,
    [HR Assistant]

  271. Out with a bang*

    This was sent by an admin who was asked to resign from her personal email after she had been escorted out. She hand-typed all the work emails she could remember of a bunch of employees, including all the senior management and the company founders. The general message from the company was just never address it and to never speak of her again.

    Hello Friends & Colleagues,
    As many of you now know, I gave my 2 weeks notice last Thursday. After attempts to look for a different role within [company] to utilize my ever growing skill set were rebuffed by my manager, I felt it best for my career that I look for something at a company where I can grow and be utilized for more than arranging personal car washes, personal post office runs, and loading the dishwasher. I really did enjoy working with all of you, and wish I would have been given the opportunity to complete my final two weeks at [company], but unfortunately it did not work out that way.

  272. Cube Diva*

    This isn’t an all-staff email, but sort of similar. I went to a big state school, with a pretty good Journalism school. The first class you take when you get in is a 6-credit behemoth that can tear people down. Most get Bs and ABs, and even Cs… and are happy about it. One student received either a B or a C, and was so upset that he wrote an op-ed in one of the campus newspapers. Here’s the kicker… he got a response from the director of that program, the professor of the 6-credit class AND, he mis-used the word “mediums.” Still makes me laugh.

  273. HC*

    Campus-wide email, Jewish institution of higher education edition:

    Greetings!
    It appears that someone has put several mason jars full of what appears to be sauerkraut in a cupboard in the Staff Lounge.
    These need to be removed by 1:00pm tomorrow (Friday) or they will be thrown away.

    Thanks!
    [HR]

    1. ChaufferMeChaufferYou*

      If I were that HR person, I would have given the “offender” 2 hours to remove them, or they’d be going home with me to go into my belly. Sauerkraut lovers unite.

  274. Dorothy Zbornak*

    OH MY GAWWWWWWD We have one happening in the office Right. Now.

    It’s been happening since Monday. I almost rage-forwarded it to Allison immediately (IT tracking be damned).

    In the time since Monday, it’s become clear that the memo is a “joke.” But it is a joke of very poor taste and is quite telling of the joker’s values.

    Rest assured, Allison WILL get a copy when I’m out of here.

  275. Rosa Diaz*

    We had a paralegal in our office (a law firm) who didn’t get social norms. Most of us paralegals are in our early twenties but he was… memorable.

    During his first week, he sent an all-firm wide email soliciting monetary donations for his ‘for fun’ garage band which is Not Done at work (we leave discreet sign-ups or an envelope in the staff room). He also tried to reference our firm’s name (two surnames that starts with M) but accidentally typed “M____ Money” (“I’m sure M____ Money would love to contribute to this great cause”). My friends who were working in the same room as him didn’t know how to react when they both read the email and not five minutes later, one of the Partners had to come downstairs and pull him aside to discuss our solicitation policy.

    This was also the same guy who would show up smelling like drunk-sweat, would leave work early, and was so messy that my coworker friend disinfected and threw away everything that wasn’t attached when she inherited his desk. He also once got very offended when I wouldn’t lend him my earbuds because I didn’t think that would be hygienic.

  276. Anon Teacher*

    I teach high school. I’ve been doing this for 15 years and have worked in two schools (in two different states). One principal I had at my old school was a nutcase. Below is an excerpt of his email to the staff. I removed the ALL CAPS. Because it was ALL CAPS!

    I don’t care if the governor has excused the snow days. You will all be here on Saturday. You will all work from 8 to 5. You will get 30 minutes for lunch. No one may leave campus for lunch. The agenda for the day is professional development in the cafeteria. No one may enter their classrooms. Go directly to the cafeteria.

    Do not bring your own children. You have three days to make arrangements for them. They are not my problem.

    The heat will be off. Bring a sweater. I’m not paying for heat!

    If you refuse comply with this directive it will be seen as insubordination.

    [A bunch of us forwarded this to our superintendent who used to be our principal. Let’s just say no one worked that Saturday]

    1. ChaufferMeChaufferYou*

      The. heat. will. be. off.

      Good on the supernintendo for overriding the nutcase.

  277. ChaufferMeChaufferYou*

    At a previous financial company with miserable morale, there was a rebranding effort that did nothing to improve the toxic environment. The new name of the company was, say, Dr. Spectacles. “Who is Dr. Spectacles?” we all asked. The answer is “you.” We were all Dr. Spectacles at this point. Our name plates were changed to John Smith Spectacle and Jane Doe Spectacle. I am Dr. Spectacle. You are Dr. Spectacle.

    They painted a big wall the in break room with “10 things Dr. Spectacle wouldn’t say.” Three items on the list stick in my memory as they were particularly infuriating: “That’s not my department.” “That’s not my job.” and “That is our policy.”

    The jokes were immediate and predictable. “Hey Josh, do I file my expense report with you?” Josh: “That’s not my depart– I mean, uh sure. I guess that IS my department and that IS my job to accept your expense report. It’s NOT our policy that only qualified finance employees can accept expense reports.”

    Someone else was so angry with the whole patronizing rebranding effort that they left a giant poop in a place that wasn’t immediately discovered but was massively disruptive. But I digress…

    Departments, jobs, and policy exist for a reason, especially in the financial industry! They aren’t the enemy; they exist to try to create order in what would otherwise be chaos. I’m very interested to know how legal, HR, and audit were able to function without being able to say, “that’s our policy.”

    1. AMPG*

      “Someone else was so angry with the whole patronizing rebranding effort that they left a giant poop in a place that wasn’t immediately discovered but was massively disruptive.”

      Talk about burying the lede! Do go on!

    2. LadyByTheLake*

      Ha! I know what company you work for. I work for a company that does business with “Dr Spectacle.” Our company refuses to use that ridiculous name — we still use the official corporate name. Internally, whenever someone refers to it as “Dr Spectacle we all giggle. Stupidest. Branding. Ever.

    3. EvilQueenRegina*

      Did you work for Negan from The Walking Dead? Because that reminded me very much of the way he has all his saviors say “I’m Negan”.

  278. RoadsGirl*

    I no longer work at this place and sadly no longer have the emails, but imagine a trio of tirades concerning a Dr. Pepper can left in a freezer.

  279. Marie*

    Ugh, the CEO of a company I used to work for would send random emails to all employees ranting in a very condescending way about how people need to make sure they don’t make mistakes. I have no idea if these emails were a reaction to a mistake someone had made, but he was obsessed with reminding everyone that any minor typo in anything that gets sent out embarrasses him greatly. The ironic part was there was always at least one typo in these emails. :)

  280. OCD gal*

    My exec director is very petty and insecure, and into micromanaging. When she messes something up, you have to painstakingly try to tell her she is wrong without making her think you are accusing her of being wrong. She will never stop thinking she was right, and sending emails to that effect, even after clearly being proven wrong.

    About two years ago, I had to leave work and was hospitalized for suspicion of a potentially deadly condition. Luckily, I didn’t have that condition. Yay! Except, when I came back to work, my boss accused me of falsifying my time sheets in order to try and steal more PTO. She said that I didn’t have enough PTO to cover both my hospitalization and my upcoming vacation (already paid for and much needed.) Instead of resting the weekend, I went in to work and printed the time records for the entire year. Then I manually counted to check each one. I typed up a report to show I had not overused PTO. She did not apologize for her false accusations (which she had shared with others). Instead, she sent out an all-staff email, “”reminding”” everyone to properly document their time off and the proper way to submit requests. Two years later, she still mentions it at every first staff meeting of the year.

    Today, a similar event happened. Our Director of Operations left, and they haven’t hired a replacement yet. So the exec director is trying to do all those duties, for the first time ever, and of course there’s no handbook. Today she had to submit payroll for the first time. I had to leave work yesterday for a medical emergency (this is not frequent, it’s only been these two times in four years of working here). I ended up in the hospital until late that night, so I did not return to work.

    Today, she sent me four emails stating that I had no sick or personal time left, so I would have to use a vacation day for yesterday. She kept sending me vacation reminders, instead of you know, letting me do my work. So I went in to the electronic time system. I realized that with the extra hours I put in this week (at the insistence of the director), I actually only needed to use 1.5 hours for the day I was out. I had sick hours available, so I used those. She emailed me saying that even though I entered my hours, I needed to put in a full vacation day for yesterday. I double checked my “current pay period” on the time system. I was at full hours. I said this to her.

    She called me into her office. As soon as I sat down, she accused me of falsifying my time card. I said I did not. She could not understand how it could total the full hours if I had only a few hours yesterday. She also insisted that I should only have 88 hours, not the 96 listed. (Our pay days are twice a month, so there is an irregular number of hours on it each time.) I suggested this was a misunderstanding since she hadn’t done payroll before. She got upset and started throwing personal insults – “You’re very passive aggressive, and you do it everywhere you do. Everyone says that about you.” I cut her off because I have been thru this before, “This is another personal attack of baseless accusations, because you are upset that you are wrong.” Then I left, despite her protests.

    I printed out my time cards from our time system (which can’t be altered without supervisor permission once submitted), marked some explanations, and went to give them to her. She refused to let me into her office. So I put them under the door. She must have realized she was wrong, because she didn’t yell at me anymore.

    She did, however, send an all-staff email. Telling us how to enter our time in the time system, in case anyone forgot how to use the daily system that is like three years old. Lecturing us that we are only permitted to work 8 hours per day, and if we have any extra time, it is “unauthorized overtime” and we have to get advance permission or we won’t get paid. Now, we are all exempt, salaried workers. Well, except the intern who works hourly. But there’s no reason the rest of us should get screwed up over working an extra hour or whatever. We’re exempt. We should get paid the same regardless.

    (Except I have a sneaking suspicion she does not have us in as exempt, because they make us always have our weekly time card read 40 hours, no matter how many hours you actually worked (and you get comp for any excess). It’s just another totally dysfunctional crap bag thing that happens around here.

    I hope to get out soon. While I was typing this, I got a call for an interview at another company!

    1. OCD gal*

      Also she never asked me if I was ok or how I was doing from you know, having to go to the hospital.

  281. Hilary*

    All-time favorite all-staff email:

    The CFO, a notorious penny pincher, was corresponding with the HR team about a summer barbecue for the staff. They were discussing catering options, either hamburgers ($6 per person) or ribs ($9 per person). The CFO accidentally replied to include the whole company and said, “We can’t get ribs for the whole staff, way too expensive for these employees plus families.”

    Within five minutes, he again replied all and said, “Sorry, that was an error. Ribs for all.” And we had the ribs at the barbecue.

    1. H.C.*

      Ha – though personally I would’ve preferred burgers for a work event, even if it was meant to be social/fun. They are less messy to eat, allow for more customization & easier to accommodate vegetarians.

  282. 100% anon for this*

    Oooooh! A stilted, highly detailed email “Steve” sent around many employees of [international publishing company] describing the office Xmas party. Highlights were:

    * Steve complaining about the curtains in the restaurant
    * “Lucia’s boyfriend has joined her: they are seen kissing passionately many times.”
    * “Aaron tastes fame for 5 minutes, parading around the bar with Marla’s white fur coat on. Your reporter has to say that he looked like a classy pimp.”
    * ” A little further, a group composed of Ron, Ros, Razina and Dan are making fun about Nigella Lawson’s Christmas cookbook.”

    I believe he thought he would win some kind of Pulitzer for his dramatic narration of an office party.

    The worst part was that he included some sensitive details that nearly broke off an engagement (!!) and half the office were furious with him for weeks until he went back to Quebec.

      1. 100% anon for this*

        The whole thing is over 3,500 words. Will that fit in a comment, or could I email it to you instead – and you can do whatever you wish?

        One random paragraph: “The alcohol has already started to produce some effects on some people here and there. Paul and Colin, sitting side by side, are now holding each other tenderly, mimicking Colin’s previous tender hug with Miranda. People around are laughing at this male to male re-enactment. The main course is finally brought upon the tables.”

        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          It’s a good question — I have no idea what the word limit is on comments. Give it a shot and we will see! (Or maybe try posting it in two pieces?)

  283. Anon for this*

    We had an office manager a few years back who was a very kind and well-meaning person but just…too much. I think they* had some pretty significant anxiety, and it really came out in some of their communications. Emails were often in vibrant colors – even fairly routine emails (please keep the kitchen area clean/there will be a potluck next month/let me know when the copier runs out of toner/etc.). That would have just been a weird quirk, but there were also a few that were these epic rehashings of an event or occurrence, including profuse apology for a fairly minor mistake and all of office manager’s thought processes and considerations into why they reacted a certain way or did a thing they did and how they weren’t trying to cause offense to anyone and just tripping over themself to be obsequious. And these were of course sent to the whole office, because I think office manager believed we all knew of the situation and thought poorly of them when really most of us had no clue or didn’t care until we got their explanatory apology email.

    To this day, thinking about those emails gives me vicarious anxiety on behalf of former office manager. :-/

    *I’m being gender neutral to try to keep from identifying this person.

  284. jcarnall*

    At a small software company – my first professional job – the CEO sent round an all-company email inviting all staff to watch a football match in the boardroom (this would have been about 30 of us if we’d all taken him up on it): the match kickoff was at 5pm, so we’d be stopping work at 5 and people could either join him and other senior staff in the boardroom or go home. There would be snacks. They’d probably go to the pub across the road after the match.

    I don’t enjoy football (and wouldn’t want to hang out with the four or five men in senior management at that company unless it was definitely for work and they were definitely paying me) so I was planning to go home at five. But this is all very fair and collegial, as far as it goes: senior staff are stopping work at five to watch the match so none of the rest of us have to work after that time either. The boardroom had a huge TV screen and the senior staff often used it out of hours to watch stuff.

    Only. The CEO’s girlfriend (he was married: she worked in the testing department: her relationship with him was an open secret in the company) hit reply-all by mistake to the CEO’s email.

    Her email was a cheerful reminder that while it would be fun watching the match with him in the board room they’d had SO much more fun watching that dirty video together by themselves last night and better not make the other guys jealous by telling them about it.

    This email was followed, about ten minutes later, by a third reply-all email from the CEO instructing all of us to delete the second reply-all email UNREAD as it had been sent by ACCIDENT.

  285. So anonymous*

    This post is very timely, as we just received, what I would call, a glorious all-staff email.

    “We have thief!
    Someone just went through my property and stole part of my lunch.
    It was in a closed box inside a large brown bag in the refrigerator on the 3rd floor.
    They took 2 green apples and chocolate chip cookies.
    This is extremely upsetting. “

      1. Not Australian*

        I have eaten
        the plums
        that were in
        the icebox

        and which
        you were probably
        saving
        for breakfast

        Forgive me
        they were delicious
        so sweet
        and so cold

  286. Prague*

    “To the owner of a maroon Buick, license number XXX-XXXX: There is a live squirrel running around inside your car. You may want to go let it out.”

    1. OyVey*

      We have a semi domesticated squirrel at my work. One of the staff started feeding it awhile back and now it hangs out under cars begging for peanuts and sunflower seeds

      1. Prague*

        If only. This was a wild squirrel. We have semi domesticated skunks.

        I wish I was kidding. They’re also addicted to nicotine because the skunk family lives by the smoking area.

    2. frystavirki*

      I like how the sender doesn’t make assumptions here. Like, don’t wanna judge you if it’s Squirrel Thursday in your maroon Buick, but if not, you /may/ want to go let it out. Maybe not, though. Maybe it’s your new little buddy and its name is Reginald.

  287. Anon for Now*

    This was forwarded to me when a local principal quit by emailing the entire faculty and parents of the school…

    Dear Parents and Teachers of [School] Students:
    I regret to inform you that effective today, I am resigning my position as [middle and high school principal] with the [School]. It has been a privilege working with the faculty and serving the students these past four years.
    Suffice it to say that my separation from the school is prompted by a fundamental difference in philosophy with the school leadership regarding supporting and growing educational programs. For example, from the teachers’ perspective, it is necessary to have manageable teaching loads (number of class preparations) and schedules that include sufficient dedicated release time to collaborate with other colleagues to plan effective curriculum, instructional practices and assessments. Furthermore, having opportunities to participate in on-going professional development would tremendously enhance the efficacy of teachers’ professional practice and help curtail faculty turnover. Fundamental to teaching and learning in the 21st Century is broad access to technologies that enhance instruction and student engagement in learning. Moreover, having adequate numbers of qualified credentialed school leaders in place to oversee the various programs is a vital link in ensuring program support, quality and accountability. Incidentally, to verify the teaching/administrative credentials of [state] educators/school administrators, go to: [link to state website]
    In my professional opinion, building quality programs requires input from all school stakeholders: parents, teachers, students, and staff. The common denominators here are the need for transparency as well as shared ownership and vision of the school. Imagine the long-term success of the [School] were it to be governed by a legitimate Board of Directors composed of board members representing all constituencies of the school meeting monthly in a public forum where concerns could be brought for review, discussion and consideration.
    Beyond being approved as a private school by the [State] Department of Education, and authorized to deliver the [prestigious cirriculum], seeking school accreditation by an educational agency endorsed by the U.S. Department of Education, such as the Southern Association of Colleges and Schools Council on School Accreditation and School Improvement, or a reputable international organization, such as the Council of International Schools, would ensure that the school follows best practices and seeks continuous improvement, as it would be required to undergo regular formal external reviews in order to maintain its accreditation status.
    In closing, I wish to express my heartfelt best wishes to the [School] community. It is my sincerest hope that it grow and prosper to its potential. Rest assured that the 2014-15 faculty members are outstanding educators who will undoubtedly work extremely hard to provide for the educational needs of your children. Please know that I have done my best to prepare the middle and secondary school teachers for the start of the school year and the beginning weeks of instruction and have mapped out the topics and action items for the upcoming [prestigious curriculum] faculty meetings through the end of the first trimester.
    Finally, as I am no longer affiliated with [School], I will not be in a position to respond to any messages that you may send me in response to this email.

    1. Rat in the Sugar*

      Oh, that last sentence is just delicious. Must have been so satisfying to hit Send on that sucker.

  288. Pathfinder Ryder*

    Not quite all staff, but when my department’s higher ups were contemplating uniforms for us (frontline admins on hospital wards), one of my colleagues spearheading the potential change decided to force more feedback by announcing that if she didn’t hear from us by [date], she’d assume we wanted a uniform.

    There were five beautiful reply alls along the lines of “if there’s money for uniforms, we want it in our pay” before our manager stepped in to ask us to send feedback only to the spearheader instead of to everyone.

  289. Booberry Smoothfruit*

    During my first or second year of undergrad, some professors in my department were having an emailed discussion among themselves regarding one particular student’s (I think) thesis project, and one professor in the chain made some very harsh comments with not only their criticisms of student’s project but of the student’s personal failings as well.

    I know this because the department assistant managed to forward the email chain to all students in the department. The assistant immediately followed up with a “disregard the last email” email to everyone. For some reason I remember an apology email going out a little later from the head of the department though I don’t recall the professor in question saying anything about it.

    I can’t find the email now but I have friends from the department who have pulled it up in the past. I never liked that professor much after that. Definitely made me as a student feel wary.

  290. Avid follower of reply-all drama*

    My office was holding “birthday round tables” as a way for upper leadership to hear the concerns of employees who don’t usually have the ear of senior managers. The system was cycling through birth months every day, e.g. January birthdays had their meeting in Monday, February on Tuesday, etc.

    One of our offsite employees replied-all to the list asking if there would be a conference bridge for those working from home to participate, and one of the senior managers also replied-all to assure offsite employees that there would be a separate virtual round table for them. The employee who had initially asked the question replied-all with “Thanks!” which, while probably unnecessary, was not egregious.

    But then a temp who’d been with the company for maybe three weeks replied-all with a message that will be burned into my brain forever. To this employee, the senior site manager, and all her brand-new coworkers, she wrote:

    CAN YOU ALL STOP REPLYING ALL

    CUZ WERE NOT ALL IN THIS

    Woof. The senior manager had the best response though:

    My apologies. This email was only intended for those who have birthdays. :)

  291. Happy Sharpie*

    Right out of school during the recession I worked at a call center for vehicle repossessions. The company was an intermediary, meaning banks contracted with us and when a vehicle needed to be repossessed we’d get the assignment and assign it out to a network of repo agents. Most of the staff was temp-to-hire positions or just temps (and a month after I started they had a massive RIF, then brought me back a week later because they were understaffed).

    Anyway we were in a building with a lot of the parent company and all the execs that made much more than we did and we shared a parking garage. One day (not long after I’d been brought back) a company wide email goes out from someone stating,

    “There’s a Jaguar* in the garage with it’s lights on.”

    And immediately my co-worker replies all, ” I did not drive my Jaguar to work today.”

    Still cracks me up to this day.

    ***I can’t remember the exact car type, but it was something along the lines of an expense Mercedes, BMW etc….but I think it was a Jag.

  292. Phil*

    My former boss, who consistently wins the “foulest mouth” award every year once sent an email reminding us that starting a week from then, we no longer need to send other departments regular emails of missing content that we needed (where the onus was really on said other departments in the first place).
    Very next sentence: “Actually, fuck it, we’ll start it this Monday.”

  293. HauntedDollWatch*

    OMG I hope I am not too late. This is my favorite of all time, sent to the entire company of about 700 people. So glad I kept it for 5+ years now. I have edited out a sexist term, but this was NOT edited in the original email:

    “So we’ve been educating our 14 daughter on the beauty of 80’s movies. We’ve been working down the list of John Hughes movies and other classics.

    Last night we screen Footloose and watched it with her.

    I never realized until last night that my entire emotional investment in that film is Chris Penn’s story arc where he learns to dance. I’ve never wanted Chris Penn to dance so much in my whole life. All the crap with Kevin Bacon and his emotionally bankrupt small town s*** girlfriend and the preacher and all that… that’s just peripheral nonsense to support Chris Penn’s trajectory towards dancing.

    In the final scene, fireworks were going off in my head as I beheld the majesty of it.

    RIP, Chris.”

    We are a tech company. We have nothing to do with film, or Chris Penn.

    2. DCR*

      When I first read it, I thought the author was saying he had 14 daughters, not that His daughter was 14 years old. All I could think was poor wife.

  294. Kathenus*

    Many years ago I was involved with a program within a service industry organization, say a llama exhibition associated with a resort. A decision was made to close the llama program for financial reasons, which was a reasonable decision, but which wasn’t handled well. The llama program had its own particular fan base and it had its own email newsletter. The llama program sent out one last newsletter, letting its loyal visitors know that it would be ending and inviting them to visit before the closing date. As a parting salvo, included in the newsletter was the direct contact information for the owner and GM of the organization, ‘just in case anyone had any questions or comments on the closing of the llama program’. Maybe not the most mature thing in the world to do, but kind of satisfying.

  295. Cait*

    Someone in the surgery department accidentally emailed every single employee at the large hospital I work at (so probably several thousand people) complaining about a particular surgeon’s schedule for that day, and ending with “Either way, I could see me/you putting a kibosh on Dr. X’s unrealistic demands.” The best part was when tons of people started responding using reply all, including things like “well, you know how hard working Dr. X is… “and from a physician who also happens to direct a department: “Wow, very informative!” Wish I could have been a fly on the wall when Dr. X saw that email chain.

    1. Wintermute*

      Being Fair with a name like “Dr. X” you’re basically stuck being a superhero or a bad guy in Mega Man…

  296. Urdnot Bakara*

    I used to work for a cancer-related nonprofit, and we received something like this from one of our constituents. The issue that set him off was this: we had one charity slot available in a major international sporting event (for those of you who don’t know how those work, the charities purchase the slots, and then athletes who really want to participate but can’t get in because they didn’t get a lottery slot or aren’t a major competitor pledge to raise a certain amount of money for us in order to get our slot), and since it was such a big deal, we decided–and made very clear that–this slot would go to the person who raised the most money for us in one of our other events.

    The person who came in second place in this competition raised significantly less than the person who won–something like $20K less–but felt like we owed him the slot because he had been active in our organization for longer. When we told him that wasn’t the deal, he sent multiple irate, LONG emails to the whole staff, and when that didn’t work, started CC’ing the entire board of directors. To this day, I still don’t know how he got the contact info for the board. Also, his emails were obviously full of reasons why he deserved the slot, but some of his reasons were just factually incorrect; for example, he was convinced the person who won the competition wasn’t even a cancer survivor, but he was and was very vocal about his cancer battle.

  297. Incognito*

    Hmmm. It wasn’t an email, it was a note on the fridge. A few months ago someone in our office put a whole frozen ham (??) in our fridge and then left it overnight. Someone printed out this note twice and stuck it to the top and bottom of the fridge:

    PLEASE WHOEVER BROUGHT THE HAM CLEAN UP THE BLOOD AND DRIPPINGS ASAP!

    (seriously, it was gross and bloody and the juices had dripped on other people’s food in the crispers–and it took at least another day for the ham to disappear and all the melted red stuff to be wiped up)

  298. Belle8bete*

    I had someone send me, the director, a crazy email.

    She had just been offered a chance to come into the company as an apprentice (she had done a successful project with us) and there was zero pressure to say yes. I made it clear there was no obligation to say yes, but just thought she might be interested.

    She said yes, and we had some down time between projects. I announced that we would use those weeks of downtime to work on some fundraising social media things. I give folks to option to go do other projects with other people if they don’t want to work on this (or to let me know if they hate this idea and have another one). She says nothing and sticks around.

    Several weeks later she sends a strongly worded email (the day of rehearsal) that says she won’t continue working with me because I’m doing things like forcing people to fundraise (which she says isn’t in their contract which 1. I didn’t force you to do so and 2. It’s totally outlined in the contract), wasting everyone’s time, that I was rude to another worker (this has nothing to do with her and the other worker was fine) etc etc. She lists all my apparent faults as bullet points and blind copies the rest of the company (I found this out later)!!

    She never indicated she was AT ALL UPSET by anything in the work, and had multiple chances to step away. Everyone else in the company was completely blindsided and confused.

    It was awful and in short, that was a real dick move. Managers can’t fix anything (or even be aware) of things if you act like everything is fine and then randomly explode. (And no one else had any of these issues with me or my work systems, just her…or if they did they just kept quiet and made do). One day I hope someone asks me what she was like to worth with…..

  299. David Sedaris is My Spirit Animal*

    At my second post-college job at a Fortune 100 health care/pharmaceutical company a new employee, a female technician in a failure analysis lab, sent the famous “$250 cookie recipe” email to EVERY employee in our organization- in 80+ countries. This included our CEO. Here’s the Snopes summary: https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/costs-a-fortune-cookie/

  300. Cat Owner*

    My absolute favourite was an out of office message.

    “I am taking a well deserved holiday for two weeks.

    Any emails I receive during this time will go into a folder. The fate of this folder is as of yet unknown.”

    1. EvilQueenRegina*

      That sounds like the guy I work with who once got a talking to for setting his out of office as “I am out of the country from X until Y. Please don’t email me during this time as last time I came back to about 250 emails and reading them cuts into the amount of time I have left until I retire.”

  301. Maria B*

    I didn’t actually receive this email, but I did see a copy on someone else computer. I heard

    Basically, back in my first or second year of college, one of the fairly unpopular professors was denied tenure. He sent some long ranting email to some selection of professors in his department, going on about all the research and so on that he did and how he was going to move institutions over this. If I recall correctly, he may have named specific other professors he thought he deserved tenure over.

    This escalated when at least one person, but maybe more than one, replied in support but added ever wider distribution lists. The email made it at least as far as the entire staff of the department, including undergrad students working as teaching assistants.

    Most of us undergrads were pretty glad he hadn’t been granted tenure. He pretty quickly moved on to another institution, and I think he may have negotiated tenure as part of his starting agreement or something.

  302. Ursula*

    I once worked at a large company where there was a reply-allpocalypse. The problem was that the distribution list it was tied to actually had important security credentials tied to it – if you take yourself off of it (and anyone could remove themselves) it would revoke your security credentials for systems we all used every day.

    I always wondered how many frantic emails IT received the next day from people who revoked their own security access. No one in my immediate department was dumb enough to do it.

  303. Prague*

    Ooo…I have to go find the copy I saved of the ten points all-hands email on how to take out the trash!

    It was a shared bag between two offices. The other half mostly used it, then complained when we didn’t take it out.

  304. sheep jump death match*

    Ohhhhh, I hadn’t thought of this in years! Someone at my college telemarketing job sent out an all-staff email which read in its entirety:

    Subj: Does anyone have any gum?
    Body: Or mints would be ok. At desk 4 under the Teapot Banner.

    Such an oddly endearing combination of chutzpah and naiveté! Ten minutes later there was a somewhat longer, more formal email from HR about the appropriate and approved use of the all-staff email group.

  305. Oenophile*

    (Context: I work in hospitality, and summer is our busiest time.)
    “POLICIES AND PROCEDURES
    The summer season is here! The time for mistakes has ended. If you have any questions on policies and procedures – ask. If you have a valid reason why a policy or procedure is not working or you feel it can be done more effectively, let me know but don’t disregard them and make new ones to fit you. Policies are in place for a reason. They are not there to questioned or ignored. I will not tolerate insubordination. This could end your employment at [place of work].”

    This was the front desk manager. As an addition, the reference to “policies and procedures” always amused me as the company had no Handbook/Employee Manual of any kind.
    After I got this person’s job, I was able to go through the dozens of archives of memos, which was an unexpected perk. I still pull this beauty out and smile whenever I’m feeling particularly frustrated. :)

      1. Wintermute*

        That “Philosophy’ drives me absolutely BATTY!

        We had a director reference “imagine if airplanes crashed as often as [product], it would be mass chaos! If airlines can stop crashes we can too!”

        And he was right, we COULD, but it would take more money than they were willing to spend. Any system can be “five nines” uptime if you’re willing to spend the money– planes have co-pilots that are paid their full salary to sit there just IN CASE they are needed, with few additional tasks except making sure nothing goes wrong, and this department was being handed more and more work because they didn’t want anyone sitting idle for any amount of time.

        A guy who I worked with who was a navy vet, bless him, actually brought up how they work on reactors. Two men, one reading the service procedure, the other doing it. Guy one reads off “verify pressure is below 150 Barr” Guy two reads the graph, “pressure is below 150 barr!” Guy one reads dial, “Confirming pressure is under 150 Barr,” Guy one reads “Turn valve 12a to ‘closed'” guy two says “this is valve 12a” guy one confirms he is correct that it is, indeed, valve 12a, guy two turns valve, guy one verifies the valve is turned. This is how they ensure complex procedures are done without any potential mistakes.

        He asked when we’d be hiring additional engineers so we can use the buddy system to ensure there are no more mistakes… Braver man than I.

        When your network operations center is at high capacity when NOTHING is going wrong, when something does happen, an ice storm, a tornado, a major outage, fallout from maintenance, then it’s going to be absolute pandemonium!

        And they seriously, earnestly did not understand this, that you can’t just TELL people “no mistakes anymore” as if people were intentionally making mistakes– that you would need to over-engineer processes to an absurd degree for non-critical systems if you wanted to treat minor customer downtime as if it were a plane crash.

    2. screen4b*

      When some of the staff felt that we needed a written employee policy, the chief agreed to create one that he persistantly referred to as the disciplinary manual. Upon issue and forevermore, the first page consisted of a large text paragraph explicitly pointing out that the jobplace was located in an ’employment at will’ state meaning that we could be let go/fired at any time without any reason.

  306. Still Scarred*

    Ooh boy. My last job was a toxic workplace thanks to one particularly mean, angry, unhinged woman who was my manager and pretty much ran the show. The people above her were hands off so she basically did what she wanted. We worked from a shared inbox, and on the one or two occasions an email (we got many emails, daily, worked on by various people) was accidentally deleted, she’d go ballistic. She loved typing in all caps too. I remember one instance where an email she was looking for somehow got misplaced, and we all had to try to search for it. It turned up in the delete folder. She lost it.

    “I’m not sure how this email ended Iup in the delete folder. I hate to think anyone did it on purpose. But I can find out who deleted it! I can have the Chief Technology Officer (yes, she spelled out his title) pull the records and check who deleted the email! Haha”

    This was all through Skype for a business messenger btw.

    1. Still Scarred*

      Oh! And how could I forget the very long, all staff email she sent out the day after I called in “sick” (actually to attend an interview for the job I now have) on a very busy day when we were understaffed (not my problem, SHE was out of town of course). The email basically said we had to have any SICK DAYS approved by her in order to take the day off. When we were sick. What?! Apparently they were upset I “told” them I was taking a sick day, as opposed to “asking”. Pfft. Mind you that was my second sick day I’d taken in nearly three years of working there. So glad I’m out of there!

  307. D*

    One December, when I was a student at college, a fellow freshman sent out an email. He somehow included most of the campus, staff, graduate schools and more. It was a puzzle after how he had been able to find so many people’s email addresses.

    I wish I still had a copy.

    He wrote a very innocuous note, something like:
    “Hey everyone, our first semester has been tough, but congratulations on making it to Christmas. We can all be glad that we’ve done so well. Enjoy the holidays.

    OHSIX”

    What then proceeded was a 500+ email chain with various people replying all to the thread and saying ranges of:

    “You too man”
    “Take me off this list”
    “PLEASE TAKE ME OFF THIS LIST”
    “To the person replying all to the email chain, asking to be taken off the list, there is no list. It’s just a bunch of emails”
    A haiku about emails
    Invitations to comedy shows

    And on and on and on and on. Folks I know still laugh, now 16 years later, at this chain. It got folded into comedy shows, acapella shows, our senior skit and more.

  308. Lozzzzzz*

    “Does anyone know where the random bag of capsicums has come from and why they have been abandond in the hall way on level 1?”

    1. Jemima Bond*

      I wonder if you work with an old boyfriend of mine. He once posted some peppers to me at university (re some now long-forgotten in-joke between us). They got squished of course and had to be repackaged at Darlington sorting office.

  309. Polyhymnia O'Keefe*

    I work with a lot of freelancers, so there’s no continuity in company email addresses — we use most people’s personal addresses. A couple of years ago, one email address had a typo in it, and probably in more than one person’s contacts, so this had likely been going on for a while. I don’t know about anyone else, but I’d never gotten a “Hey, you have the wrong address” reply to any of my emails until one day, in a reply to a chain that was about 20 emails long…

    “I AM SICK OF GETTING YOUR F***ING EMAILS …..I DONT GIVE A S*** ABOUT WHAT YOU ARE DOING
    REMOVE ME FROM YOUR MAILING ADDRESSES
    I HAVE REPORTED YOU AS SPAM TO YAHOO
    F*** OFF A**HOLES
    THIS IS NOT [name of freelancer] AND THIS IS NOT HER EMAIL ADDRESS ….DO YOU HAVE THAT IN YOUR STUPID HEAD YET”

  310. ProfessionalLevel*

    An annual email from HR regarding summer Fridays, a popular summertime benefit at our company. After reading, makes you feel like your yanking the benefit from their death grip:

    Hi All,

    As Fred referenced at today’s all company meeting, Summer Fridays will kick off this Friday and end on Friday August 31st. Summer hours enable employees to leave work on Fridays at 2pm and get a head start on their weekend.

    Key points for ALL employees:

    · In order to take advantage of summer hours, all employees are required to work their regular hours by 2pm on Friday. Employees are not given 3 “free” hours to account for the time from 2:00-5:00pm on a Friday.
    · By law, you cannot skip your lunch break. State law requires employees to take at least a 30min meal break after 6 hours of work.
    · All Employees taking vacation days on Fridays will need to request 8 hours for a full day and 4 hours for a half day in the time off system.
    · While we are excited to be able to offer this benefit, please note that work projects, deadlines and departmental coverage may not always allow you to take advantage of summer hours each week.

    Key points for Hourly / Non-exempt employees & Interns and their Managers – in addition to what is included above:

    · You will only be paid for actual hours worked.
    · Actual hours worked must be recorded on each day of the week on your time card. For example, if you work 8.5 hours on Monday, this time should be reflected for Monday.
    · Time cards should NOT reflect 8.0 hours worked on each day, if this is not what was actually worked.
    · In this state, overtime is paid if an employee works more than 40 hours in one week. It is not paid if an employee works more than 8 hrs in a day.
    · Interns should inform and seek approval from their Manager if they’re planning to take advantage of Summer Fridays.

    Questions? Please contact your HR Business Partner.

    1. Wintermute*

      This one’s hard to call– it might be an HR employee that loves to burden things with too much process, but a lot of those strike me as “I can’t believe I had to have this conversation three times so far… I’d better put it in the notice”.

      The fact some of these seem to me to just be reiterating normal, professional work norms make me wonder if there’s a large contingent of people for whom this is their first professional job who just need education about common things. the fact they re-iterate three times you’re not getting free time, need to work your 40 in the week by friday afternoon, time cards must reflect actual time worked, etc. That strikes me very much as aimed at people who have come from retail or food industry where your time card is often pretty loose and time theft (on both sides of the equation but most especially the employer side) is an epidemic.

      Some of the other items, though, strike me as the results of a battleworn HR that has been told they people can’t be held accountable unless they have been entirely explicit, so when Fergus comes in saying “well no, I didn’t get the Mega-Important project done on friday, it was Summer Friday” his manager tries to write him up and gets no support because “no one ever told Fergus he couldn’t drop everything and leave right at 2:00”, so the manager angrily balls up the write-up and tosses it in the trash then calls HR up to “correct this oversight”…

  311. ProfessionalLevel2*

    Company wide email from the CEO of a 4,000 person company personally complaining about a lack of participation in mandated training that literally no one was notified about (therefore the 7 percent completion rate). Multiple explanation points!!! A high level executive getting personally involved in something he should have probably left to someone else. It’s got everything!

    Dear Friend,

    Normally I am very happy and proud on how you respond to messages from HQ. This time I am very disappointed!!

    Three weeks ago, we (see attached) introduced you to the this campaign and asked you to finish an eLearning to learn about email security and the phishing of emails.

    Only 7% of you did what we asked for and finished the eLearning! 93% of you did NOT what we asked you to do!

    Phishing of emails has become a real problem for us at the company and it is a real threat for our security. You have to take this seriously! So please take 10 minutes of your time and go to the link (click here) and finish the eLearning on “E-Mail Security”.

    I am counting on you!

  312. NotMyUsualName*

    I used to work for a very large organization with many offices at many locations. Somehow, a spam email went out to basically everyone in the organization, at all levels (thousands of people) that said the following:
    —
    “Dear Staff(s).

    New security updates need to be performed on our servers,due to the rate of phishing. Please CLICK HERE and sign in to the IT Help server for maintenance and update of your mailbox.

    If your mailbox is not updated soon, Your account will be inactive and cannot send or receive messages.

    On behalf of the IT department, this IT Alert Notification was brought to you by the Help Desk Department. This is a group email account and its been monitored 24/7, therefore, please do not ignore this notification, because its very compulsory.
    Sincerely,
    IT Department
    ©2015 Microsoft outlook. All rights reserved.”
    —
    Of course we all immediately started getting reply-all emails from people saying things “do I need to do this on my mobile device?!” and “I tried to click the link and it didn’t work” and MANY emails saying “THIS IS SPAM, DO NOT CLICK!” IT sent multiple official emails telling everyone the email was spam and to please not click and please don’t reply-all. People didn’t listen. It was chaos. We started getting tons of emails from people saying “PLEASE STOP REPLYING-ALL!”, the irony of the fact that they were replying-all apparently being lost on them. Someone pointed out the poor grammar and spelling, indicating that that should have clued everyone in that it wasn’t real. I was having a slow day, so I categorized and counted every reply-all email and then composed the following email, which I sent reply-all, of course. I have a PDF version that includes the images and graph, but I’ll try to recreate it here:
    —
    “Dear Staff(s)…

    [the following image, in line: http://i.stack.imgur.com/1b9DA.jpg%5D

    Those of you replying-all to tell us not to reply all: we are all getting all those emails in our inboxes too.

    ******************************************
    I then included a bar graph with the bars:
    Replies from people thinking this email was real [9]
    Official emails telling us the email was spam [6]
    Unofficial emails telling us the email was spam [17]
    People replying-all telling us not to reply all [31]
    Emails containing actual staffs [1]
    ******************************************

    Staff:
    [inline image of Gandalf the Grey and his staff, think http://i.imgur.com/2dxMA6L.jpg%5D

    Staff:
    [inline image of Saruman holding his staff]

    Staff:
    [Inline image of Gandalf the white and his staff]
    —

    I got SO many replies from people telling me I made their day, that they hadn’t laughed so long in a long time, that they loved Lord of the Rings, and one person correcting me that the plural of staff should actually be “staves”. Someone hit reply-all and said “give that woman a raise!”. IT called me and chewed me out for contributing to the problem. A manager of another department replied and offered me a job (saying “we could use someone with a sense of humor like yours on our team!). It turned out he was serious and I went over to chat with him a few days later and he offered it officially, but I turned it down because it was at a different location that would mean a longer commute, but not much better pay. My boss told me years later that he was worried he might have to fire me when he saw my email and I told him it was okay since I had another job offer. ;) He also said his mother in law worked for the same (very large) company and she had commented later “did you see that ‘staffs’ email someone sent?” and he didn’t want to admit it was one of his employees.

    This was probably the most epic email I’ve ever sent.

    2. JLCBL*

      This is fantastic. I particularly like the totals on the bar graph — so precise, so cutting, with the most unexpected twist.

  313. R*

    I used to work at a company where every employee had an office. Each office had a couple of visitor chairs. It was our custom, whenever we were celebrating something (birthday, citizenship, whatever) to move a visitor chair just outside our office and put treats on it. The treats were always donut holes, known locally as Tim Bits. Then an email usually went out inviting everyone to help themselves.

    One day an employee sent the email, “Timbits outside my office! I FINALLY cured my hemorrhoids!”

  314. Anonysaurus*

    From our COO, at a 100 person start-up in Manhattan (hi, co-workers!).

    To: team@[redacted].com
    Subject: Making Poopy in the Potty
    Hi Everyone –

    So from the time I was 14 to the time I was 17 or so I worked as an usher in the UA Sheepshead Bay Movie theater. It was a pimpin’ job for a kid who had no money and no car. [Employee] knows the place well – it’s probably the hottest movie theater in South Crooklyn. The best thing about it was that I was the most popular kid around letting my friends and girls that wouldn’t date me (because I was 5’2″ and prepubescent all through high school) in through the back door on packed Friday nights to see premiers for blockbusters like John Goodman’s The Flintstones and Ray Liota kick ass in No Escape. I’ve seen Benny & Joon no less than 50 times.

    Of all the skills that came out of that job it was cleaning up after stuffed up toilets. Man, I can clean the eff out a bathroom and have skills with a mop, clorox, and a plunger the likes of which many of you have never seen. Nor will see. Ya see, people at the movies, especially in Brooklyn, where toilet paper is cheap, like to throw entire rolls of toilet paper into the toilet. Hell, they don’t have to clean up after and why not take the opportunity to use as much toilet paper as possible. Those opportunities rarely present themselves at home.

    Here at [Company Name], I believe we have the same excitement as it relates to toilet paper? Some of you are falling off of rocks and shit with the opportunity to go absolutely bat shit crazy with an unlimited supply of scott’s best to wipe your sensitive tushies? Perhaps [VP of Team Culture] should add to our declaration of core values “One roll of TP per flush”?

    Just like my 3 year old nephew [Nephew], you all seem to know how to “go poopy in the potty”. Unlike [Nephew], some of you do not know how much toilet paper is the most productive and efficient.

    So, while I really love mopping bathrooms and cleaning up after my [Company Name] family (and happen to be quite skilled and capable of doing it) I really have other things to do. It’s also a little defeating that after all this time I now find myself cleaning bathrooms once again. If you are all trying to put me in my place, it is working. You win. I do not want clean your pee.

    That said – I ask you all, can we perhaps simply take it a little easier on the use of toilet paper? Can we? Is that possible? Can we not throw entire rolls of toilet paper into the toilet?

    Much love,

    [COO]

  315. BamBam*

    Oh boy – I have two very memorable goodbye emails that were sent to a very large number of people in my company. I saved them for my own personal entertainment and apparently this post (all sic, btw):

    Letter 1:
    I have had an amazing 11 years, but unfortunately it is time to move on. I have worked with quite a few remarkable people that have helped me throughout my years …. and I have worked with some bad apples.

    I tried my best to be pleasant and cordial with everyone, but not always received it in return. And so I say to you – life is not that bad. I’m pretty sure someone else has it worse.

    Until we meet again :)

    Bye Felicia !!!

    Letter 2:
    It has been real you all…15 years and coming, but it’s that time to throw in the towel on this phase of the journey. You will never be able to see your worth if you’re stuck in the same place. It’s not how many times you fall but how many times you pick yourself up and try again.

    Life is a journey and can only be walked by you! Life is a challenge that can only be lived by you!

    So to you m y great friends, who stood by me through thick and thin “Thank You” you know yourselves, no introduction needed (you got my number) and to those who wanted to see me fail, “Thank You for propelling me into a greater place.” No one can pull you down but yourself and “I KNOW WHO I AM AND I KNOW MY SELF WORTH!”

    God always got my back!

    Wish you all the best!

  316. Beatrice*

    Our parent company ran a cybersecurity test where a fake phishing attempt email was sent to everyone. If you clicked on the link in the email, you were taken to an informational page that explained phishing and why you shouldn’t have clicked it. If you used our phishing reporting process correctly, you got a popup congratulating you on passing the test. Either way, IT was notified, and they were tracking results.

    One of my direct reports sent an all-staff email to our 60-person office, alerting everyone to the email test and encouraging everyone to report it as a phishing attempt. She ended the email by cackling that if everyone reported it, we’d have the best test results in the company and everyone would think we were awesome. *headdesk*

    She’s sent a couple of other impulsive all-staff emails like this in the few months I’ve been her manager. I talked to my boss about it, and he told me to let her be – she’s a very long-time employee, she’s universally loved, and this is just how she is. I don’t agree, but I have bigger fish to fry…

    1. Anonicat*

      Your company is kinder than my friend’s company. They train their staff to not click dodgy links by semi-regularly sending an email with a link that will rickroll you, loudly, while the exit icon moves around randomly.

  317. RollingMyEyes*

    I never comment, just read, but I’m delurking for this one. Some background is necessary for context.

    My coworker “Pat” made no secret of the fact that they’d taken the job just to get a foot in the door of the industry, so I was not surprised when it was announced that they were going to be taking advanced coursework in pursuit of a particular professional certification. No small amount of fuss was made over Pat for this. The company even agreed to cover a significant chunk of the related costs. The studies stretched out to almost two years, during which time Pat took every opportunity possible to drop into conversation some class or project they working on related to the certification. They asked for and received first a work schedule adjustment, then reduced work hours, then REALLY reduced work hours and at one critical point in the process, two months off to “focus” on a required project. If Pat was in the office at all, there was a 50/50 chance that they were doing homework instead of actual, you know, work.

    The long awaited certification exam was finally in sight. Yay! Pat continued to remind people at every opportunity that they would soon be a Certified Teapot Designer. To make sure they were ready they even took a few days off before the exam to relax and meditate.

    I expected a big announcement after the exam but there was radio silence at first. Pat’s desk was noticeably absent for a couple of days. Then I came in one morning to find an email from Pat sent to our entire staff and cc’ed to a few people Pat had been shamelessly flattering in hopes of a promotion post-certification. I wish I’d saved it, but I can only summarize the contents.

    Pat had not passed the exam, to their great surprise. Of course, Pat assured us, it wasn’t that their exam performance had been subpar. In fact, to the contrary, the problem was that their work was too advanced for the evaluators, who’d been expecting a straightforward report on how teapots are made, not Pat’s advanced analysis of teapot theory and the role and influence of teapots in popular culture. It had to be true, because Pat explained that it was so in great detail, adding that someone who was in the room during the exam presentation had pulled Pat aside after the exam to say so.

    The email closed with the announcement that Pat would be returning to the office for a few days the following week to tie up a few loose ends before taking another 3 month sabbatical. Because obviously they needed to spend the time revising their work (and, it was broadly hinted though not explicitly stated, “dumbing it down”) before taking the exam again. (They did pass on the second try, and then their partner took them on a 2 week tropical vacation to recover from the stress of it all. Thank heavens.)

    I invited one of my favorite coworkers out for coffee that day, and we may or may not have printed out the email to cackle at over our lattes. It probably makes us bad people, but we’d both been the victims of Pat’s “kiss up, kick down” career philosophy enough times that the schadenfreude tasted really, really good.

  318. LizM*

    In law school, we had a small cafe in our building. My 2nd year, it was closed for a week for a remodel. Much panic ensued about the fact that the main dining facilities for the university were across campus and there wasn’t time to go get coffee between classes if you had classes back to back. The law school’s response wasn’t bad, they put out coffee and snacks in the common areas.

    In her all-student/all-staff email, though, the dean’s assistant noted the dean’s office suite always has a large carafe of coffee. The dean hit reply-all with something along the lines of, “that’s not something we want to publicize, otherwise we’ll have students in our office. They’ll overrun us”

    I graduated almost 10 years ago, we still laugh about coffee-gate.

  319. The Chatty One*

    Years ago, someone at headquarters sent out what was basically an advertisement for a “documentary” about the threat of radical Islam. I think he sent it to the entire company, or at least everyone in our regional offices. Not long after that, he sent another company wide email saying something about how “the powers that be” decided that it was time for him to move on.

    A colleague said that he knew the situation and that it wasn’t due to his extremely poor judgment in sending that email, but if it wasn’t, it should have been.

  320. Lorde*

    I used to work in a large company that would run large scale company wide event for our clients. The whole work year would revolve around the week-long event and our offices would be transferred to the event venue two weeks before the event launched (we’re talking computers, phone lines, the whole shebang). Throughout the duration of this hectic time, we would receive regular (almost daily) memos from an operations manager detailing the varied availability of cup noodles from the food kiosks at the event venue where staff could grab a quick bite during our stay there. Subject would literally be: “CUP NOODLES” and at one point, I overheard our Head of Ops mutter, “If I have to hear from Ops manager again…”

  321. Suzy Greenberg*

    We had a contractor who was let go prior to the end of her contract. She wrote a note to the entire department and cc’d the CIO calling out the director of the department. She said that the director had been a bully and used fear and micromanagement as her management style.

    Gems include:
    Thus, this is a notice that today will be my last day as I do not want to be a victim of your management for another week. 
    Sorry for cc’ing wide audience but that is my only hope for saving the next victim.

  322. TL -*

    When I was in college, at the end of my organic chemistry class (which was taught by a somewhat mercurial professor; great teacher but was explicitly told that he had to stop making students cry in office hours if he wanted to get tenure), after the finals, Professor X sent out an email to the entire class, summarised and semi-quoted below:

    I saw those of you who were cheating during the final. Since our school doesn’t have a real honor code, I’m not going to report you. But you know who you are. Cheaters never prosper and you’re only hurting yourself in the long run.

    (The actual thing was a bit longer, but I can’t find it. Nevertheless, it was a thing of glory.)

  323. Stephanie*

    My absolute favorite.

    SHOES MUST BE WORN AT ALL TIMES AT WORK.

    Why does this need to be said, or worse, written out?

    1. Happy Sharpie*

      You’d be surprised. At a place I worked we dressed up for Halloween and someone wore a fairy princess outfit (which was tasteful) but then she was in the staff kitchen without shoes (and no socks!) and her excuse when someone pointed it out was, “Fairy Princesses Don’t Have to Wear Shoes.”

    2. mcr-red*

      I’m surprised my work hasn’t had this email yet – several guys have liked to walk around without shoes.

    3. lnelson1218*

      At a previous job, it was a sign for the rest of us that the CFO was getting stressed out.
      A little stressed” pacing
      More stressed, shoes off
      Stay the hell away: shoes off, pacing and finger tips on forehead.
      It was a carpeted office.

  324. Anon govt workerbee*

    Years ago I briefly worked for the government of a very small city. Maybe 50 employees total, everyone knew everyone’s business kind of place. The City Clerk (high level position responsible for keeping all the city’s records) fired a temp in her office ostensibly because the temp had booked travel for one of the elected officials using a city credit card she was not authorized to use (the travel expenses were fully approved and were supposed to go on the card, it was just that as a temp she wasn’t allowed to be the person who used the credit card). She decided to go out in a blaze of glory by sending an email to all city employees, elected officials, and several local news outlets explaining why she was really fired. The email called the Clerk a liar and fraud who tried to involve the temp in falsifying City Council records and fired her when she wouldn’t. The credit card thing was just a cover, as she only booked the travel at specific direction from her boss. She also accused the Clerk of having an improper relationship with the top boss, the City Manager.
    Now, the Clerk was not a popular person. You could hear as soon as people read the email reactions like “yes, finally!” “This is a long time coming!”, etc. Everyone came running out to common areas to collectively revel in the awesomeness of this email. The consensus was that the accusations, which were pretty serious ones, were most likely totally true but nothing would happen because the City Manager would protect the Clerk because of their improper relationship. The Clerk’s office was located a floor below ours so someone who had a friend down there immediately called to get the scoop. The employees on that floor were all gathered outside of the City Managers office where the Clerk had ran as soon as she got the email, listening to her telling the Manager “See, this is why I fired her”, etc. The person on the phone was giving us the play by play recap of what she was saying. It was great. Sure enough, nothing came of it, at least by the time I left the city a few months later. I really wish I had kept a copy of that email but I was too new in my career to realize this was probably a once in a lifetime thing I would want to save for later.
    Also, the Clerk once hit another employee’s car in the city hall parking lot right in front of a bunch of employee office windows and just drove away without saying anything or leaving a note. The only reason she eventually fessed up was one of the people who witnesses it from their office told her if she didn’t come clean to the guy whose car she hit he would tell him and it would be much worse. She really was not a nice person.

  325. Jennifer*

    On the fun side: I know someone who has things in her email signature along the lines of “If you have an emergency, remember that in (x field) there are no emergencies. Take a deep breath. Google for “goats in trees.” She changed it up for vacation and had you googling for some other goat related thing.

    A while back we were having huge public media drama with the CEO of our company. Someone that ran a mailing list made some delightfully pointed comments about said person (sadly I don’t remember what they were) and how they have been affecting everyone’s morale. I never met the lady but really wanted to after that. I knew someone else on that committee and she said they were forced to have A Talking To by a higher up–I believe it was the CEO’s second in command– after that. I did get to listen in on a conference call with that lady and she straight up said that said higher up “does not support the staff” (note: this was for a staff celebration) and generally indicated that we shouldn’t go to great lengths to accommodate this person’s attendance at said celebration and they probably wouldn’t show up. They actually did but I don’t think they did much at it.

  326. Phil*

    In my previous role, which involved processing content for a broadcaster’s on-demand streaming/download service, our department (processing) would be in constant communication with another (who organise the schedules etc). Normally that department would raise any concerns to the senior operators and/or team leaders to then deal with the operators about as needed.
    There was a new operator in our team, who was still trying to get her head around the complicated workflow. One of her titles was, at late notice, turned into a massive priority, and the channel kept screwing it up. None of the mistakes were this operator’s fault and despite being very new, had done everything correctly with this one.
    Unfortunately, after replying to an email from the other team asking about the delay, she received a very ranty angry reply ending with “The customers deserve better!” Oh, and it was a reply-all to at least 20 people. This was the last straw for this poor operator, who ended up in tears from this.
    Fortunately, the email-writer was promptly reprimanded, an apology was made, and everyone ended up making nice. So much so that even the operator and letter-writer were able to joke about customers deserving better before too long.

  327. Phil*

    Also, on the subject of all-staff emails, a common prank I like to do with people who are being sassy or mean-spirited about someone in a private email to me (like, if they break away from a group email), is to reply to it, only to them, but to change the header of their original sassy email underneath my reply, to make it look like they accidentally did a reply-all. And just be like “did you mean to hit reply-all on that?” Some people will be wise to my shenanigans and not fall for it, but the ones who do believe it, their reaction is always hilarious.

    1. Kathenus*

      This is epic. I have never thought of such a thing, but you can be sure it will go into my tool kit in case needed in the future.

  328. Svlad Cjelli*

    A few years ago I applied to a very popular internship. When we were sent an email outlining the next steps, the hiring manager accidentally put all the candidates under CC instead of BCC. She realized her mistake a few minutes later and immediately sent out a plea that none of us hit “reply all.” Of course, someone couldn’t help themselves . . .and sent a reply that was basically just their application again instead of anything relevant. Which led to a few reply alls making fun of that candidate . . .and then defending him . . .Some people thought that this was a test for the internship . . . Some started berating the staff for this blunder . . .

    All in all it ended up being about 60 emails in the thread. It was pretty ridiculous. Please be careful when you reply all.

  329. TheLadyInGreen*

    I work in academia, which comes with a side of weirdos.
    My boss is great, but is sometimes moody. A few years ago, he organized a symposium about a topic he is passionate about, and invited us all to participate. The symposium would take place in a cute village just outside the city we work and most of us live in. To cut costs, there was a line on the website stating that people affiliated to the research group would have to commute back in the evening, and the cost of an office room would not be covered by the organization. I was not interested at all in the symposium, so I even forgot of its existence. A few days later my boss sent an e-mail to all staff members reminding us that despite him telling us that the organization committee would not cover room costs, some of us had registered anyway.
    He was clearly pissed off about that, and ended the e-mail with a glorious “The indication seems to be beyond the mental capacity of some of you.”
    We are still laughing about that, and this sentence is a common punchline in the office. I have to state once again that my boss is very nice, and he was clearly embarrassed about it.

  330. Be Positive*

    Office wide email announcing the annual Christmas party and noting we could bring a guest. Employee responds all asking us find him a date. To all 500 us

  331. Be Positive*

    Parking at my workplace is horrible if you arrive after 830AM. All employees get a display badge to park in the lot. Lot parking is first come, first served regardless of what position When the lot is full you park on the street. Yes sometimes inconsiderate drivers don’t park close enough and a car takes up 2 spots. VP of Finance must have been in a bad mood mass emailed chastising us the 2 cars parking poorly enough that it took 5 spots. To the entire company, in Canada, USA and Asia

  332. Glowcat*

    I hope I’m not late!
    Here is mine: after a member of the non-profit I volunteer with was fired for misconduct (he demanded payment for things made in the name of the association), he sent an explosive mail to the whole public mailing list starting with “You see what kind of person the president is!!”. Then followed a few paragraph of rant on how the president had evidently framed him, the people who agreed with her were “plagiarized” and the “different” voices like his were silenced; all full of sexist remarks and grammar mistakes.
    It was fun to read, less fun to see that only three of us publicly stood for the president in this and even less fun to see some (men) state that she was being way too hard and emotional and she should have mediated. It was the third time this guy asked for illicit money and the whole association could have been shut down had the tax authority found out.

  333. Sarah G.*

    Alison – I’ve emailed this to you once before, a couple years ago, as part of an discussion about email rants. What I failed to point out at the time the writer is a white male who compares his plight to that of Rosa Parks in his email rant to his AFRICAN AMERICAN FEMALE (!) manager.

    Subject: Resignation Letter
    cc: [Everyone]

    To: L.
    Program Manager
    Re: Resignation from My Position (Two-Week Notice: effective 08-12-11)

    ‘If you see something very clearly, it becomes compelling.’
    Raymond Damadian

    Following our last conversation, and subsequent reflection, I realized that the [Social Services program] @ ABC Clinic is no longer a place I want to be. Recognizing that a reasonable outcome from you and your supervisor was impossible, because of information I’ve gathered from several other employees, I have entirely vacated my office. All that remains are the bare essentials needed to continue necessary work during my final two weeks, per regulations.

    Your tenure, that began with energy, promise and vision, has largely deteriorated under the pressures of chronic work overloads, until you have turned into a demanding micromanager, dictating and overseeing even the most mundane of details, and casting aside the styles, established routines, and preferences of your staff. Using dismissiveness, sarcasm and contempt, as your tools, you have bullied me into perplexed
    submission, imposing loads impossible to bear. Then, to top it off, as I was staggering under these crushing loads, you sniped at me from behind, criticizing my every move, and belittling my professional judgment,
    whenever it deviated in the slightest from yours. Friendly fire from my own commander while in the firefight of my life!

    The way you carry yourself, the way you refer to yourself as ‘the golden girl’, the way you churn out new programs to add to the ones we are supposed to be leaving behind, while being fully engaged in implementing them, it is clear you feel entitled. In your judgment, whatever crosses your fancy is infinitely superior to any of the ideas of your fellows.

    I now fully identify with Rosa Parks who was too tired one day to take her place at the back of the bus. I, too, will require that I be treated with respect on any subject whatsoever – no exceptions! I’m using strong
    language, in part because you do, and in part because you don’t seem to register any concerns expressed in ways that could pass as mannerly. I know because I’ve tried. Micromanagers, per an article on Dictionary.com, inevitably target their most competent and productive workers. That made no sense until I realized that competent workers have the most independent judgment, and are most likely to be the ones to
    say ‘NO’ to arbitrary authority. When subservience is the order of the day, people with healthy egos must go. They present the most dangerous challenge of all.

    In our case, the prevailing management attitude is, ‘Forget the interests and affections of homeless people, finding their first real family in years. Their loss is insignificant compared to the importance of maintaining full secrecy and control in the organization. ‘Comrades, circle the wagons!’

    I would never have written or had to write this scathing missive, if management had already listened to the sincere, clear and the direct appeals by previous victims of wrathful micromanagers. So they deserve no mercy now. They’ve given none and will receive none. The ‘code of silence’ only protects their arbitrary exercise of power. Julian Assange has arrived.

    So I am joining the growing exodus of workers from ABC Social Service Agency. There is nowhere to go in this organization to remedy bad supervision. There is no mechanism for putting a dysfunctional or out-of-control boss on probation. All discipline is one-way. As one of you on this cc list recently told another staff member, before hearing her complaints about gross supervisory abuse: ‘Before we get started, I want you to know that I always support my supervisors.’ And so it proved to be. She was summarily fired. The most effective and productive member of her team, the one most beloved by her clients and even the clients of others was gone, without public explanation. Had she been unethical? Had she careless abandoned the clients who loved her without explanation, or run off to Mexico with a client? No one will ever know.

    This letter is to let you – and everyone else – know why I am leaving. The amount of heartfelt sympathy I am receiving on every hand throughout the organization tells me I am definitely not alone. Someone is asleep at the switch, and protecting the management team with a code of silence, a team above any law the rest of us must live by. If I am a mad crackpot, all of you who receive this letter (since I’ve sent it to ‘everyone’) will kindly understand that I’ve had a nervous breakdown. It’s happened before in my family tree. Yet if you find that it resonates, then spread the word, press for respectful treatment, if you can. Facebook and Twitter are possible next targets. They have done a lot this year to free the masses in the Middle East. It wouldn’t hurt to use it here in the States, where the wealthy successfully shirk taxes
    despite polls saying them electorate want they to do their share, where Casey Anthony somehow lost her daughter without any involvement, and where the working class is being squeezed out by aggressive legislators.

    The return of the 19th century barons is upon us. What is happening here at the Coalition is only symptomatic of what is happening in the larger society. Our leaders are no more jealous of their own narrow interests than are those anywhere else. It’s time to call them on it.

    Yes, in writing this letter I have no idea how things will turn out. No one ever does. Yet it needed to written, because, as Abraham Lincoln observed, ‘We either hang together or hang separately.’ I’ve cleared my conscience, demonstrated my love for everyone of goodwill, on every level, who works here, and shown my devotion to the voiceless clients who depend on our services. My anger is only being used in this service.

    Finally, L., in view of our shared commitment as professions, I am committed to the best interests of our charges, and, despite my feelings, can work on any reasonable task assigned me during my remaining days
    here. All you have to do is revert to your reasonable, creative side and I will willingly cooperate. Your warm, caring and insightful self is someone I still appreciate and admire. I will continue to arrive at 7:30
    AM and leave at 4:00 PM, per our agreement. (No more 4 PM supervisions,as we have had in the past, of course.)

    I hope for better days than the ones that have forced me to write this letter. In addition to the general email, this letter has been officially delivered to Human Resources, as of 3 PM this afternoon. Strange thing! My heart is pounding as I prepare to push ‘Send’ on my computer! Yet, why shouldn’t it?

    Sincerely,
    M.
    Licensed Clinical Case Manager
    ABC Clinic
    ABC Social Services Agency

    Cc
    [Dept Director – name redacted]
    [HR Director – name redacted]
    [VP – name redacted]
    [President/CEO – name redacted
    “Everyone” (over 500 staff)

      1. Sarah G.*

        He was marched out immediately by HR! From what I heard within 15 min or so of the email being sent.

    3. CM*

      Honestly, I have respect for people who use their parting email to point out actual, fixable problems on their way out that it’s clear that they have been unable to address after making reasonable efforts, like the principal above who has feasible solutions for improving the school. But — “fully identify with Rosa Parks”???? And quoting Abraham Lincoln? Comparing the situation at work to needing to “free the masses in the Middle East”? “The return of the 19th century barons”?? There is just SO MUCH in this letter.

      2. Sarah G.*

        What especially kills me about the Rosa Parks reference is that this was a white man writing to a black woman. I mean, did he really not see the irony there?

  334. Sarah G.*

    One more (I should note that this email was superfluous, as this office we had individual bathrooms which, despite being labeled as Men’s and Women’s, were used interchangeably. But this guy liked drawing attention to himself, and also liked bathroom talk way more than anyone in their 30’s should, hence the email.)
    Hello Ladies,
    I want to inform you that I have decided to use the women’s bathroom full time. The men’s room is disgusting with sh_t and pee on the toilet seat and floor. I promise to always……
    *courtesy flush
    *put the toilet seat down
    *make sure there is toilet paper and paper towels
    *generally respect the bathroom
    If you have any questions or concerns please keep them to yourself. I look forward to becoming part of your bathroom community.

    Sincerely,
    C.

  335. Julie*

    I work at a University and we have a technician that is great about sending these kinds of emails. Here’s my favourite one:

    To the few ones concerned,

    If you decide not to follow the simple procedure to put your name on the log when using the washing-machine, why not.
    But at least could you please have the basic decency to clean the filters after use? It will take 20 seconds of your busy life and show a bit of respect to your colleagues who rightfully feel upset by this passive-aggressive behaviour. Thanks.

  336. screen4b*

    Screen4b

    Memorable all-staff rants from managers, different jobs, with more than 90% of the staff being professionals: (1) four-page single-spaced memo chastisement and threats regarding not being in our assigned seats by 8:00 a.m. official office opening time, and (2) three attorneys were seen in first-floor lobby at 11:30 a.m. meaning that they left their second-floor offices early for going to lunch at 11:30.

  337. Fish girl*

    Oh man, I really wish I’d saved one. At an old job, we had daily morning meetings at 7am. Rough time for a meeting, but it did make sense in the context of our work (although daily was definitely overkill). I guess the boss noticed too many people “head-bobbing” and struggling to keep their eyes open, so we we got an all-staff email reminding us that according to company policy sleeping on the job was punishable by immediate dismissal. He then defined sleeping as “closing your eyes for more than a second” and “extended blinks”.

    It’s laughable now, but then it added onto all the other ways we were treated like children. I really wanted to ask him to watch me blink, so I could be certain I was blinking fast enough to be in the safe zone.

  338. jcarnall*

    This was a reply-all email I sent.

    The company has long since gone out of business due to the technological incompetence of senior management and an extreme hierarchical system of reporting (when I realised there were major technical problems that were preventing me from completing a vital project, my options were to go to my manager, who kept dismissing this because she didn’t think I could know what I was talking about because I was so new to the company and besides her manager was not the kind of person who rewards the bearer of bad news, or someone junior in HR who said kindly that this sort of thing was my manager’s problem, not mine).

    The senior management didn’t know how to code and didn’t understand GUI-based software, but they wanted to launch a Windows version of their flagship product, so they hired talent: the team I was working with initially was a big group of coders, mostly graduates in their first job because they were cheaper (the company also didn’t like paying market value rates for talent) and a handful of more senior staff (me, five years after graduation, counted as one of the more senior staff).

    The team called itself The Windows Application Team, which, uh, *sounds* innocuous, right? Except if you turn that into an acronym in British English it really isn’t. They had quite deliberately come up with this joke, got it past senior management by never spelling out the acronym, and everyone, including me, thought it was pretty funny.

    About four or five months in, a new server specifically for the Windows coding team was to be installed over the weekend, and on Monday we all arrived to find an all-company email announcing that The Windows Application Team server was online and we could all now log in to the TWAT server….

    …and suddenly I realised that if I didn’t say anything, *right now*, this wasn’t going to be a funny joke flying under management radar, it was going to be a really bloody annoying bit of sexism that I was going to have look at for the rest of my working time there.

    So I sent a Reply-All email, in which I said, more or less “Oh look, that’s really funny as a one -off, but not as something I actually have to look at every working day.”

    Thirty minutes later another all-hands email came round, making no reference to either mine or the original email, to say that the Windows Application Team server would be the WAT server.

    And the three other women who worked on the team stopped by my desk, one after the other, to say “Oh thank god *you* said it, we were hoping someone would!”

  339. EvilQueenRegina*

    Another gem from the building whose email distribution list my old job were still on despite having vacated it years earlier:

    There must have been some problems with the heating at the time, because we got an email saying “Please note that the Heating has been turned on for the duration of the Winter. So please no more sob stories I Just can not Stand the emotion. It brings. My handies are wet with the tears I have cried” (the mistakes are real. She was always sending things like that and it became a running joke). Later that day someone else replied with “Seriously? It’s like a sauna in here, it’s far too hot. If you’re cold, wear clothes. I doubt anyone wants to see me come in in Speedos.”

  340. Allornone*

    I hope you’re still looking at these, Allison. It’s long, but I think worth it. Background: This occurred in Borders bookstore a couple years before its eventual (and sad) demise. Julio had just been promoted to District Manager. This is his first communication (meant only for store managers, but these things travel). In his following relatively brief stint in the role, every single store manager in his region quit because of him. One, a great man who had been with the company for 20 years, quit one Julio’s first day (Julio already had a rep). In defense of his grammar and strange use of puncuation, English is not Julio’s first language. Last I heard, he’s working for Pet Smart back in Puerto Rico.

    “Hello Leaders,

    I am going to beat the dead horse. I feel the need to explain it again.

    Today is a gift. Yesterday is history and tomorrow is a mystery.
    We need to do, what we need to do today. We cannot let something for tomorrow.

    This email will not motivate you, will not make you feel better and it definitely will not make me the most loved and popular boss in the world, but this email will tell you exactly what I need from you and will help you decide if you are willing to do what I need you to do or it will tell you several times that it’s time to leave with dignity. I like all of you at a personal level and I even enjoy your company, but I get paid to do a job and I am planning to do it perfectly even if that means working 7 days a week, 24 hours and traveling all the time. But my goal is to start Q2 with the right results.

    These are my expectations and standards, but before. I recommend you print this email and read it carefully because it is a long email that will face you with many things that you may not like. Also I will be mentioning GM is the most important and highest position in the stores, but if you are not a GM. This email is intended for you department and area of responsibility too, either if you are a buyer, warehouse magr or LP.

    My expectations and standards are:
    1. You need to have flawless execution. I said flawless execution.
    2. You need to execute flawlessly and then some, but some will never come before flawless execution.
    3. You are the leader of your store. You are. You are. And I expect you to know everything that happens in your store when you are physically there or and when you are not. And I am talking about everything. Including what item did not arrive. What item was substitute in any table? Everything means everything. Cash office, inventory, cafe, supplies, food, sales, profit, section maintenance, everything means everything. That is my expectation.
    4. I need you to walk your store completely every single day and maybe several times a day. This includes Cafe and maybe I should say. Specially the Cafe! You have to walk your Cafe every day.
    5. We need to stop blaming other people, corporate or ex-leaders. We are responsible for the status of our stores and we are the ones to blames. No one else. You are. Only you and no one else.
    6. I will not accept excuses like: Anne approves it. Bill approves is. Kelly approves it. Or anything else like that. NOW IS ME. NOW IS JULIO. I am seeing the final result of those approval and I am sure that if any leaders that approved anything will see what they approved, I am sure that they will unapproved it. From now on it is what I say or the highway.
    5. You need to walk your store answering these questions every single day and maybe several times in a day:
    *Every single table, Floor stack, End cap, and Fixture. Everything needs to be where it is intentionally. Intentionally because YOU analyzed the business and that is the PERFECT place for that. The perfect place.

    *You need to ask yourself: If tomorrow will be my very first day opening this store. Grand Opening Day. Will I have this (table, endcap, product, item, donut, pencil, table, screen, whatever) where it is right now? ANd if the answer is no. The change it. No exception. No matter how much sense it makes. If the answer is no. If tomorrow will be my grand opening day I will not have this here. Don’t leave it there. Change it immediately.

    *You need to ask yourself: what is the message that this table (or whatever it is) is telling my customer? If the answer is not crystal clear. Change it. Change it immediately.

    *GM’s need to be able to answer any questions without the need of having to call anyone else. That is my expectations. You either own the building or know everything or you’re not. Leave.

    * you own the store. You! Not me. Not Bill. Not Ron. Not corporate. So please, please, please, Never ever tell me that you are waiting for corporate. Never. You have to start owning the store. and if you know what this means. It means that you should not be where you are. I am not saying that you will not execute and follow directions, I am not saying that, I am not saying that you will take decisions different of the directions that we have in place from corporate. but again. If you don’t understand what I mean, this is clear message that you need to leave. If you don’t understand that You ownt the building buit you need to execute flawlessly. You are in the wrong position.

    *I don’t want to sugar coat everything and I don’t want to hurt feelings or be rude. But the reality is that for some of you and you know who you are. Is time to leave. This is not the Borders you want. This is not the Borders you enjoy. It’s really time to leave. Please. Leave. If you are not enjoying what you’re doing. It may be time for you to leave. Because this is the career we choose and we either do it perfect and flawlessly or don’t do it.

    *I can not. I can’t ever repeat the same things again and again. If I tell you to do something about something. My expectations are that you will do it as soon as possible. Preferably before I leave the store or at least before my next visit. If I have to repeat myself, I will do it in a PDR.

    *I ask you this. If I was interviewing you because you were unemployed and can not pay your debts, but have the GM experience and i ask you to do this job under the very worst circumstances. Very little payroll. Section movements, High Standards, high expectations, flawless execution, high csi, high Borders rewards, low shrink in the store and cage, to be the #1 in make items, to be #1 in everything but giving you nothing. Just depending on your GM experience, talents and skills to meet these expectations. Will you take the job? Will you tell me. Julio. You have the right person in front of you! Will you say that? If you say those words. Please stay, but if you are not willing to do what I need you to do or do not have the experience to do it. Please Leave.

    *If I was going to ask you. Do you have the talent, experience, knowledge and skills to do all these and spend 10, 12, 14, 16 hours daily to meet those expectations? Will take the job? Will you? Please be honest with me. Will you?

    * Imagine this. If I was going to ask you. Could you work for free until the economy gets better? Will you? Now imagine this. We are going to the shareholders and we are asking them to invest in our company but we are telling that that we are going to lose money. But we need this money. Wil they invest?

    *today, I had a very nice conversation with a Gm and she was telling me that she does not understand how Alex at store 231 make it with the little payroll that he has, the little mgmt structure that he has and she could not believe how beautiful and great his store on Wednesday and my response was. Because he has to. I have stores in Puerto Rico with similar volumes as the stores in FL using 200 and 300 hours more than FL and they are always complaining that they need more payroll. I also remember when the stores used to have 1200 and 1400 houses and the issues was exactly the same. That is why I know that payroll does not fix the problem. Mgmt skills do. An Excellent GM and Leader will have a beautiful store because he or she know that store represent him or her. An excellent GM does not need a boss. An excellent GM does not need external motivation.

    *I am going to ask you to do thins that you will think that I am crazy. That I am out of my mind. But not. On the contrary. It was crazy not to do it before. It’s crazy if I don’t tell you that.

    *You need to understand that we are in a time that is make it or break it. We will do what we have to do or the economy and the time will make Borders disappear.

    * I am not the flavor of the month. Bill is not the flavor of the month. Ron is not the flavor of the month. I am here to stay and change the business, so are Bill and Ron. And you either with me or need to leave.

    *If you are planning to complain to me. Don’t do it. If you are planning on telling me how difficult is the job. Don’t do it. Just leave. I know how hard it is and I also know that if it was easy, Anyone will do it. It was made to be difficult and hard, it was made to do it by leaders with skills and talents. Example: Imagine yourself running a marathon. Imagine that you have to run 26 miles tomorrow. Can you run it? Can you do it? If you train for a year. can you do it? Maybe not. Because to run a marathon is not just about running, is about enduring, is about training, is about dedication, is about hard work, is about discipline, is about continue running when all you body is telling you that is tire, that can not do it anymore, that it hurts but you continue running anyway until you finish. It’s about having the hear and personal goal to do it, because you have the talent and skills to do it. It’s not about running, is about a lot more.

    *let me tell you something else. I can talk and talk and talk, but if you haven’t understand the message so far. I can talk and talk all day long and you will never understand. I am going to finish by saying this: You know who you are. You know if you can make it or not. You know it. Don’t lie to you. Don’t lie to you. Leave and avoid the part of me letting you go. If you are planning to stay, you only can stay if you do everything that I have written so far and then more. A lot more!!! Or please leave. See you either this week or next week. This message is for all of you. Not just for some of you. But if you feel like you can do everything. Discard this e-mail and go to make money and raise the expectations.

    Note: as I said. This e-mail is not intended to be rude, but I need you to face reality and have clear expectations of what I will be asking and expecting from now on I will not be accepting excuses. But if you feel offended. I am going to ask you: Why? Why do you? Please. Let’s have conversation and I can tell you why, but that will hurt, because I will be honest with you.

    Thanks,
    Julio ******
    District Manager “

    1. Princess Scrivener*

      I hope readers come back today for this; worth it! I am not the flavor of the month, unfortunately … (but then again, neither is Bill or Ron), but yikes, as an editor, this really makes my teeth hurt and my brain itch. Best sentence: I am seeing the final result of those approval and I am sure that if any leaders that approved anything will see what they approved, I am sure that they will unapproved it.

      1. Allornone*

        Thanks! I was afraid no one would even see it buried down here, and I’m glad at least a couple of people have. This email was written in 2009. I’ve kept it all this time because I think it’s just too good to let die. Ironically, he was the flavor of the month since he left after about a year, a month after the final GM quit. That man was a lunatic.

        NOW IS ME. NOW IS JULIO.

      2. CM*

        This one is my favorite! NOW IS ME. NOW IS JULIO. Also: You know who you are. You know if you can make it or not. You know it. Don’t lie to you. Don’t lie to you.

        1. Allornone*

          He worked his way up in the Puerto Rico stores (first in another company before switching over to Borders), where (I assume) he didn’t have the grammar issues speaking Spanish. But yeah, how he ever got hired to run our district, no one knew. It was strange. At the store level, the managers were usually pretty awesome.

    3. Editrixie*

      I came back specifically this morning to look for this, on the strength of “Now is Julio.” Totally worth it.

      1. JLCBL*

        Yes, yesterday’s tease line NOW IS ME. NOW IS JULIO. was very compelling. Thank you for submitting this!

    4. Canadian J*

      I came back to this link today, to read anything I missed yesterday, and I’m so glad I did :-)

      This was glorious to read – thanks for sharing!

    5. Allornone*

      a quick word of gloat (ignore me): I worked at the mentioned store 231. It wasn’t beautiful because of Alex; it was beautiful because I was the Merch Manager, dammit (it helped the store was in a high-end area, too). I’m out retail now, but my displays back then were effing perfect. Flawless execution.

    7. mcr-red*

      My favorite line is this one:

      “You need to execute flawlessly and then some, but some will never come before flawless execution.”

      It reminds me of The Spinx in Mystery Men!

    11. Cornflower Blue*

      He would’ve lost me the moment he asked if I could work for free.

      Buddy, if I’m not getting paid, it’s not work, it’s volunteering, and I sure as heck wouldn’t want to volunteer under someone like you.

    12. Quinley*

      N̸̬̬͔̘̝ͅ ̝͓̗̞̭͞O͖̤̲̺͉͕ ̱̥̕W͇͎͈͓̹̹͡ ̵͍ ̲̝̠̯̩I̝͕̠̮̳ ̗̩͚̜̣͚̮S̼̱͈ ̮ ̻͙̪̣̯͡J́ ̠̙͜U͍̗̞̥͠ ̝̞͖̼́L͜ ̬͙͍I̛̼̫̪ ̯͍̳̰O̷̬̖̙͍̼̼

      I’m so glad I came back for this, that was a ride from start to finish.

      1. PennyParker*

        Wins the internet. I’ve been reading all of these in order, as I am able. It has been fun. This is the BEST! Thank you.

  341. Ann Onimous*

    To this day, the most embarrassing company-wide e-mail I’ve seen, was sent at my first job.
    It’s been 10 years since, so I can only paraphrase at this point, but it went something like:

    Dear all,
    Please be mindful of the environment, and make sure to only use a maximum of two paper towels when drying your hand. Think of how many trees you could be planting instead.
    To ensure you all keep this in mind, helpful posters have been put up in every bathroom.

    Sincerely,
    Admin Person

    The “posters” had a MS Word ClipArt-style tree and the message: Plant a tree. Use only two paper towels. What followed was every male colleague from my office (starting with the manager) loudly announcing that they had just finished planting a tree.

  342. MrsPitts*

    My former principal (if you can even call him that) sent this out on Friday afternoon before spring break.
    From: [redacted]
    Sent: Friday, April 10, 2009 3:05 PM

    Subject: Here are some things that will cause others to question your professionalism:

    Dressing like a teenager and acting like you and your students are “buds.”

    Doing your drinking at the local bar.

    Revealing personal information on Facebook, My Space, etc.( telling how long you have been a drunkard, how long you partied last night, and how teaching has broken you from your slovenly ways of yesteryear)

    Using grades to punish students.

    When you are lined up at the door to go home along with the students at 3:00

    Hanging out in various places around the school during planning period thinking those whose desks you are hanging at want you there and they, too, are glad that you are there with them because it’s you.

    Driving like a maniac.

    Behaving differently than when you interviewed for your job when you presented yourself as the messiah, now everything is wrong and you whine that you can do nothing about it.

    Taking a sick day on Friday just because you are tired and want a long weekend or all of your emergencies happen on Friday.

    Always leaving empty handed ( you are a teacher and you can get all that work graded at school?????)

    Doing your personal queries on the school computer even though your boss can monitor at will.

    Never talking about anything but your illnesses, injuries, sick children, and how bad the students are.

    Thinking that student achievement is none your responsibility.

    Confessing wonderment when your academic classes fill up ten minutes into arena scheduling.

    When you have checked out every movie in the school media center.

    When students refer to your classroom as Andersonville, Auschwitz, Sing-Sing, Alcatraz, or Disneyworld.

    You grade papers during faculty meetings and had no clue that your course EOCT was not a field test and it actually counted.

    When you and never your spouse have to take off work to attend to personal problems.

    Poor table manners such as making sounds when you chew such as smacking and trying to maneuver food to mouth when your plate is four feet away from your mouth.

    Just a few things that we in the home office deal with regularly.

    Dr. [redacted], Principal

    1. Traveling Teacher*

      Oh. My. Goodness.

      And, “Always leaving empty handed ( you are a teacher and you can get all that work graded at school?????)”:

      I bet that this is the math teachers. They front-loaded all of the work during their degrees and now? The grading is quick and ruthless.

      Or, you know, they’re the sort of teacher who comes to school at 5am.

  343. It Was Me!*

    I found some money in the staff parking lot and I sent an all-staff email letting people know and describe it to me and I would return it. I can’t tell you how many emails I received saying something to the effect of, “It’s mine; it’s rectangular, green, with numbers and a president on it.” (Ironically it was 2 $10 bills, so no president.)

    It was Christmas time and I was about to donate to a charitable cause when the owner finally correctly identified it. Interestingly, he didn’t email, but actually stopped by to describe it.

  344. Office Firefighter*

    De-lurking to add one. Please don’t share in the round-up!

    My previous job was at a small, family owned company, with about 15 staff on-site in the main office. We had 2 single-person bathrooms that were both unisex. We had some clogging issues with the toilets, and a fairly boring email went around asking that people a)make sure that they hadn’t left a clog behind and b)if they did cause a clog that they couldn’t clear with the provided plunger, that they simply let the office admin know, and she’d take care of it.

    Following this, we had a new problem – someone several times scooped their poop out of the toilet and deposited it into the open-top trashcan in the bathroom…to avoid a clog, I guess? The email that went around after that, I didn’t save, but it rather archly asked everyone to avoid “creative problem solving in the bathroom”, and instead just follow the previous directions to double-check behind themselves, report to the admin, and maybe try a courtesy flush. It didn’t mention the solution the person had attempted, but in an office of 15, the news got around. I still have no idea who it was.

  345. Paige*

    From our IT help desk guy (who eventually went on to run a winery with his wife in Napa – he is truly living the dream), sent to pretty much the entire office. Sadly I no longer have the full text, so this is my (probably embellished) memory of the epic missive.

    [Scenario: we received hats from a donor that were treated with bug repellent – it makes sense, we worked on malaria]

    FAQs: All about your new-and-improved hats with our dear organization’s logo – and our donor’s!

    “Is this hat safe to wear?” – probably, but if you get cancer you should definitely sue.
    “Who paid for this hat?” – the same dudes paying your salary. WEAR IT.
    “Will I get high if I lick the hat?”- please try. Google says it will take a lot of work, many, many tootsie pops worth of licking, but it’s probably worth it.
    “What if my cat licks my hat?” – free flea treatment!
    “Do I still need to vaccinate my kids?” – yes, dammit.
    “Are baseball hats appropriate office attire now?” – your friendly IT guy has been pushing for this for years. SOLIDARITY, COMRADES!
    “Is this taking the place of raises?” – probably. Maybe next year we’ll get stylish vests or something. Try paying your rent with that and let me know what happens.
    “Can I eat organic food in good conscience while wearing this hat?” – no, you should feel very, very bad about yourself.
    “Will you be wearing this hat?” – unlikely. I sweat a lot and will probably get high from absorbing the bug repellent through my skin. I’m super close to being fired anyway, I don’t need any help. However, it would make for a really entertaining afternoon.

    That’s all folks. Remember – always restart first before calling IT. I’m busy trying to get high off swag.

  346. What? Like it's hard?*

    This is just an excerpt of a page long letter that went out to everyone but here are my favourite parts:
    1. The letter is written by Angelina. The letter switches between first and third person multiple times.
    2. Let’s tell everyone that Harry was 1st choice but we’re happy with Ron too.

    The excerpt:
    “Angelina, will be the Director of Quidditch. I spoke to Harry about being keeper in Quidditch, after a lengthy positive discussion, Harry declined this offer at this time in order to solely concentrate on seeking. I thank Harry for his thoughtful consideration of the position and his deep commitment to quidditch and what is best for Hogwarts.

    Harry and I discussed who might be best fit for this position and both agreed to speak to Ron about it. After consideration Ron has accepted the position and will serve the same function as Oliver. I expect everyone to cooperate fully with Ron and we wish him well in taking on this new assignment.”

  347. Flash Bristow*

    I worked for a tech company which provided email services, among other things. I was in the operations centre, working alongside the people who actually ran the mail servers (which ran on a Unix platform, not a Windows one).

    Occasionally we’d get a mail to all@ which was swiftly followed by “Fergus Humblebum would like to RECALL this message”.

    We laughed every time. Not only was it not happening, but the sender has in one fell swoop demonstrated his lack of knowledge of how the systems he was selling worked (it was generally sales who used Windows) but also he has now pointed out something he did not intend to share, so we’re all gonna read it!

    Funnily enough, HR (who also used Windows) managed to avoid ever making this mistake. You’d think if they can do it, so can all the Ferguses of the world.

  348. anon union rep*

    I’m a union representative. The strangest email I’ve ever received was when I’d only been at my job for a couple months. (I’m still at this job, so I’d prefer that this not appear in a round-up!)

    Context: The person who runs our website and emails to members sent out an email to our department to ask for content for emails or the news section of our website. One of the other union reps, who was junior to me by a week (!) sent this reply. It’s valid to want a big-picture conversation about how effective our communications to our members are, but it really isn’t the right place for that type of discussion. Also, it’s so academic (the paragraph-long Marx quote!) that it felt more like he was trying to wave around the masters’s degree he’d just completed than have an actual conversation. I’ve clipped out several paragraphs because this email was realllllllly verbose.

    Subject: RE: Mass email, website
    Body:
    “[clipped paragraph]
    I would think having good communications become useless if members are not organized support the program. I would hope people would be understanding about an emergency like [recent tragedy whose relief efforts we helped with], but the servicing mentality may be so ingrained in some members that even a basic sense of solidarity, the type that produces that standard volunteerism and charity common of even non-class based organizations, may be lost. For the [political initiative], I’ve seen [one council] leaders pass info on saying it’s not relevant to them, and I’ve had discussions with [another council] leaders about why [political initiative] that were quite surprising; we can’t take it for granted all members will by default support something like this.

    As Marx noted in The German Ideology, “The ideas of the ruling class are in every epoch the ruling ideas, i.e. the class which is the ruling material force of society, is at the same time its ruling intellectual force. The class which has the means of material production at its disposal, has control at the same time over the means of mental production, so that thereby, generally speaking, the ideas of those who lack the means of mental production are subject to it. The ruling ideas are nothing more than the ideal expression of the dominant material relationships, the dominant material relationships grasped as ideas; hence of the relationships which make the one class the ruling one, therefore, the ideas of its dominance. The individuals composing the ruling class possess among other things consciousness, and therefore think. Insofar, therefore, as they rule as a class and determine the extent and compass of an epoch, it is self-evident that they do this in its whole range, hence among other things rule also as thinkers, as producers of ideas, and regulate the production and distribution of the ideas of their age: thus their ideas are the ruling ideas of the epoch.”

    The ideas of our members often seem to reflect the divided thinking of the ruling class on Keynesian type measures to stimulate economic growth, versus neo-classical thinking and austerity measures, with the former more and more difficult to argue for with social democracies failing.

    [three clipped paragraphs]”

    If you’ve made it this far, as you can probably guess, he only made it about four months in the job. And nobody ever responded to the email.

  349. Olderandwiser*

    This happened at my first job about a decade ago. This as an digital marketing agency, so generally younger crowd and much less formal.

    We had a senior client facing account manager that likes to wear sleeveless tops (blouses, not tank tops). She sometimes used a shawl to cover her shoulders when cold. Her bra straps fell off her shoulders once in a while and she would fail to notice. Anyways someone had an issue with this and complained to HR. To deal with this, the VP of biz dev sent a company wide email on what’s appropriate office dress code. It included instructions “Jeans, tank tops, shorts, jumpsuits, TRACKSUITS, and SWIMSUITS are all not acceptable in the office. Be prepared to be sent home if you arrive with inappropriate clothes.”

    No one ever wore those things before the email warming.

  350. Mobertis*

    I work in a healthcare setting where pretty much all positions are client facing. A perpetual issue is keeping staff off their cells, tablets, social media, etc… and engaging with clients. There is always plenty of work to be done, but there are a few people who would rather check Facebook than do it. An email from the department’s Unit Council went out with a flyer suggesting that staff limit their use of personal electronics while on duty, which seems both inoffensive and common sense. You’re at work, do work, right? One of our staff hit Reply All and let loose with the following: “I’m going on record and saying I’m not following this at all. I’d also like to know what the expected outcome for this is. If the attempt is to actually lower morale further than congratulations, keep pushing this and you will succeed.” I’m still chuckling that this person thought it was a good call to indignantly announce to everyone (including several managers and his direct supervisor) that he had no intention of NOT using his personal electronics while on work time and how dare anyone suggest otherwise. He got called into the boss’s office within about 5 minutes after sending that one…

  351. Peter B*

    In response to an all building email talking about another in a long line of bathroom issues a restroom in the building, the facilities director sends the following:

    All – this is happening too often.

    As this is a secured building, I am fairly certain that the overflows are being caused by someone who is assigned to the building. I am more certain that these incidents are not planned or malicious nonetheless the frequency of these incidents is putting a strain on resources

    Please do not put anything in the toilet other than the paper that is provided. This includes all feminine hygiene, cleansing cloths, and incontinence products; even if these products have “FLUSHIBLE” on the packaging. The plumbing at [building] cannot handle these items.

    If non–flushable items are not the issue, we must be dealing with volume. If this is the case I suggest utilizing a technique commonly referred to as the “interim flush”. This should be self-explanatory however, if there is confusion please read on.

    The interim flush can be applied at any time during the process. It’s really a judgement call and can vary from user to user. Some choose to apply the interim flush before beginning the paperwork, especially in the event of overbearing odor. Others like to use the interim flush at mid-point during the paperwork phase. Most importantly, apply the interim flush before the toilet is too full to handle the amount of material deposited therein. More than one interim flush can be used if required.

    Enjoy your day,

    1. Office Gumby*

      I’m finding all these toilet-clogging stories interesting, as Australian toilets rarely clog up. (They also use less water than the American-style toilets.)

  352. BroadwayBookworm*

    This wasn’t an all-staff email, but I still thought it worth sharing. Some context: I previously worked in fundraising for a non-profit that had a focus on Shakespeare. Our membership person was out on maternity leave and I had been asked to keep an eye on the membership email inbox in case someone responded with a question that needed to be answered. This was the first thing I saw when I clicked into it (all formatting and typos are the emailers, but I’ve put the bits he italicized in all caps for emphasis) :

    “Dear [organization] fundraisers:

    Thank you for asking, like so many others, for my money.

    Although it is true that I have donated small amounts of money in the last as many days to over twenty-five charities (for some reason I’m just in the giving mood these days) – among them Physicians without Borders, Amnesty International, The Martin Fleischmann Memorial Project, NORML, Architects and Engineers for 911 Truth, and my current favorite, Baltimore’s own emerging Center for Emerging Media, am sorry that I am unable to comply with your request.

    I expect some things from the organizations I give money to, and so far I don’t see EVEN THE BEGINNINGS OF what I expect from [organization].

    Truth in reconciliation is what we need.

    Where’s your truth in reconciliation?

    Your organization, from what I can see, the last time I checked, still supports, condones, and patronizes “scholars” who call THE REAL SCHOLARS “holocaust deniers,” “moon-landing deniers,” and whatever else they can pull out of their back pocket on the spur of the moment to cultivate the public’s ignorance and fortify their own short-lived hubris about what they think they know but actually don’t.

    Don’t take this personally — I realize that you’re just doing your job to try to raise scarce dollars. You are not the problem, but you ARE the messenger. So maybe you could just pass on to those in your the organization most responsible for the foot-dragging, obfuscation, and continued rudeness and evasion in the vein analyzed by Crinkley, 1985, SQ, (“Bizarre mutant racism”), this widow’s mite of advice: “Shame on you.”

    When [organization] decides it’s ready for truth and reconciliation, you could call Tom Regnier, Justice Stevens, or maybe even Anne Rice or Sir Derek Jacobi and ask them for ADVICE, not money — or you could just send me an email that doesn’t ask for money before GIVING a little long-overdue respect.

    Thank you for your consideration.

    Sincerely,

    [Name], PhD
    Professor, [University]
    General Editor, [Periodical]”

    Out of sheer curiosity I googled is name and found out that he was a somewhat well-known Oxfordian (meaning he believes that that Edward de Vere, 17th Earl of Oxford, wrote the plays and poems credited to Shakespeare). Furthermore, his research had been included in a book written by one of our board members about the Shakespearean authorship, and apparently the research was not held in high regard in the book because I found a review the emailer wrote on Amazon bashing the book and there was a sniping war happening in the comments of the review (keep in mind the review had been written some five years earlier and there were still comments being made back and forth in it!)

    A couple of months later I received an email from one of our more prickly donors stating that he was attending one of our special events and gave me the name of his guest, which looked familiar. It was our emailer! To top it off, the board member who wrote the book was going to be there and we had almost asked him to give a lecture during the presentation portion of the evening, but had decided not to (for other reasons). I forwarded the email (which until then I had kept to myself) to my supervisor just as a head’s up. Thankfully, the emailer attended the event with no incident. When I left that job I made sure to pass it along to a couple of my co-workers so that it could live on in infamy.

  353. attornaut*

    This wasn’t sent to all staff, but rather all staff with names starting with a few different first letters (that can sometimes be confused when handwritten). But it’s a very, very large national company so thousands of people were on the list.

    The query was, “We received a package at X location (some small town in the middle of the country) and it it looks like it’s addressed to [first name] but we can’t read the last name. It might start with [list of letters from the various listservs). Are you expecting a package? Let Terry know!”

    So thousands of people spread across the entire country immediately started replying-all to ask the original sender to not use reply all; to ask why they are on this mailing list; to opine on why they thought they might be on the mailing list; and to be asked to be taken off the mailing list. Thus began the hundreds of emails which shut down my inbox for a morning.

  354. Bonnie*

    At OldJob, in our Monday morning company-wide email that usually just outlined abnormal staff absences for the week, the office manager copied and pasted a tutorial on how to sweep. No context, no note, no instructions, not even a cheeky “since some people need to be reminded! ;)”. Just a very condescending-sounding “recipe” for how to sweep (materials, prep, time, steps, etc…). I’ve never been instructed to sweep before, and as far as I’m aware I’ve never been expected to, and it’s not part of my job. We have cleaners, and of course if someone makes a mess themselves they clean it up. I had strong reason to believe that it was directed at me personally, but I was so amused/tired of this man’s constant passive-aggressiveness that I never even brought it up. I had literally never seen the floor be dirty at that work place, let alone habitually filthy! So why the nastiness?

    I always wondered if it would be funny if I just randomly printed out instructions for some equally menial and random task and slipped them under his door. Maybe “how to brush your teeth” so he got paranoid about his breath stinking.

  355. Robyn*

    About a year ago everyone at my work got this memo.

    There is a disgusting melon in the fridge. Whoever is the owner needs to remove by the end of day or Seth will smash it over your car window. Also, stop pooping in the office bathroom. If the need arises use the bathroom in the building by the elevator or do it at home. Patients use that bathroom to provide urine samples and we don’t need them seeing what is being left behind.

  356. fraudevader*

    In the summer of 2014 I was in college and had an office in my university’s Student Government. An adjunct professor, who recently learned that the university had not decided to hire him on for the next year, was feeling mildly displeased. So naturally, he sent a rant that must have been a couple of pages long to EVERY university employee, professor and student alike. The university president’s response was a simple one-sentence email: “This is not a professional way to handle this.”

  357. Recovering Beltway Bandit*

    The team lead on a large government contract sent out a snarky email about billable time – ensuring we billed 100% of our time to the client (we sat on site) for a full day every day. Even on days we were expected to travel to our office HQ (30-40 mins on the metro each way) for a one hour meeting/team building/corporate lunch, we were not allowed to bill any of that time to overhead even if it had nothing to do with our project… so we had to stay late to make up both the round trip commuting time and the meeting time.

    The best part of the email, however, was the breakdown for how long and how many restroom breaks were deemed acceptable. A “quick trip to pee” was considered billable, but “more frequent, or longer trips to the restroom lasting more than a minute or two” were not. God I hated that job.

  358. Lady at Liberty*

    Thanks to a note in an all-staff memo, the semi-official name at OldJob for the terrible hurricane/nor’easter hybrid storm that wrecked Atlantic City, the Rockaways, and other parts sundry is “this beyotch Sandy”.

  359. halfmanhalfshark*

    Not a memo, but a surreal and puzzling misuse of the “all staff” distribution list. Sometime before Christmas, a client sent a “Happy Holidays” email to a small handful of executives. Very straightforward, nothing at all unusual, happens ever year. One of those executives responded to everyone on the holiday email list and somehow managed to copy the entire company on his one-word response:

    why

    I still laugh thinking about it.

  360. hamhock*

    Late to the party, but this one killed at our office at old job for months. I worked at a mid-size non-profit that didn’t have a ton of money, and had a kind of crappy but serviceable office space (lots of light and no too-tiny desks or sad basement rooms).

    We had a painfully clueless and douchey director level colleague who complained several times in all staff or large group settings about how our office was cluttered, didn’t have a ping pong table, etc. and how he could ‘go across the river’ to Manhattan to be paid double but chose to stick around. The reason was not evident, since according to him we sucked, and everyone there seemed to hate him.

    He chose to use our all staff email to send out this missive:

    “Happy Monday!

    I just returned from vacation, and the folding metal chair from inside my cubical [sic] is missing.

    I use this chair for meetings with my team and colleagues, and would really love to have it back.

    If you’ve seen my chair or have it in your possession, can you please return it (no questions asked)?

    ​Photo attached.

    ​Thanks so much!​

    [Generic google image of a folding chair imbedded in the email].”

    Y’all, this was a standard metal folding chair that belonged to the office. We had tons of them all over the place. It didn’t belong to him or to his cubicle, and he could have walked a couple of feet to pick up another empty chair. The audicity of including the picture was really the kicker, I wish I could embed it here.

    He then followed up the next day –
    “My chair has been returned safe and sound. Thanks to the many people who helped in the search and recovery effort. You know who you are.”

    After this saga, we inserted endless ‘no questions asked’ and ‘you know who you are’ gags into everything.

  361. Emily*

    I don’t have the exact email, but an email from our operations manager went out to all hourly employees (400+), because 4 people clocked out 1 minute early one day. It was in all caps and the manager threatened to fire anyone who clocked out “early” ever again. I’m so glad I left that job.

  362. Technical Manager*

    This one hit the mainstream press, but was somewhat less known outside of our industry (inside of our industry, it’s pretty infamous):

    From: Patterson,Neal
    To: DL_ALL_MANAGERS;
    Subject: MANAGEMENT DIRECTIVE: Week #10_01: Fix it or changes will be made
    Importance: High

    To the KC_based managers:

    I have gone over the top. I have been making this point for over one year.

    We are getting less than 40 hours of work from a large number of our KC-based EMPLOYEES. The parking lot is sparsely used at 8AM; likewise at 5PM. As managers — you either do not know what your EMPLOYEES are doing; or YOU do not CARE. You have created expectations on the work effort which allowed this to happen inside Cerner, creating a very unhealthy environment. In either case, you have a problem and you will fix it or I will replace you. NEVER in my career have I allowed a team which worked for me to think they had a 40 hour job. I have allowed YOU to create a culture which is permitting this. NO LONGER.

    At the end of next week, I am plan to implement the following:

    Closing of Associate Center to EMPLOYEES from 7:30AM to 6:30PM.
    Implementing a hiring freeze for all KC based positions. It will require Cabinet approval to hire someone into a KC based team. I chair our Cabinet. Implementing a time clock system, requiring EMPLOYEES to ‘punch in’ and ‘punch out’ to work. Any unapproved absences will be charged to the EMPLOYEES vacation. We passed a Stock Purchase Program, allowing for the EMPLOYEE to purchase Cerner stock at a 15% discount, at Friday’s BOD meeting. Hell will freeze over before this CEO implements ANOTHER EMPLOYEE benefit in this Culture. Implement a 5% reduction of staff in KC. I am tabling the promotions until I am convinced that the ones being promoted are the solution, not the problem. If you are the problem, pack you bags.

    I think this parental type action SUCKS. However, what you are doing, as managers, with this company makes me SICK. It makes sick to have to write this directive. I know I am painting with a broad brush and the majority of the KC based associates are hard working, committed to Cerner success and committed to transforming health care. I know the parking lot is not a great measurement for ‘effort’. I know that ‘results’ is what counts, not ‘effort’. But I am through with the debate. We have a big vision. It will require a big effort. Too many in KC are not making the effort.

    I want to hear from you. If you think I am wrong with any of this, please state your case. If you have some ideas on how to fix this problem, let me hear those. I am very curious how you think we got here. If you know team members who are the problem, let me know. Please include (copy) Kynda in all of your replies. I STRONGLY suggest that you call some 7AM, 6PM and Saturday AM team meetings with the EMPLOYEES who work directly for you. Discuss this serious issue with your team. I suggest that you call your first meeting — tonight. Something is going to change.

    I am giving you two weeks to fix this. My measurement will be the parking lot: it should be substantially full at 7:30 AM and 6:30 PM. The pizza man should show up at 7:30 PM to feed the starving teams working late. The lot should be half full on Saturday mornings. We have a lot of work to do. If you do not have enough to keep your teams busy, let me know immediately.

    Folks this is a management problem, not an EMPLOYEE problem. Congratulations, you are management. You have the responsibility for our EMPLOYEES. I will hold you accountable. You have allowed this to get to this state. You have two weeks.

    Tick, tock.

    Neal …..

  363. KC without the sunshine band*

    I had a boss who was all-kinds-of inappropriate (changing shirts in front of me, asking people not to discuss meetings after the meetings). I don’t still have the all-company email, but it was pretty close to this:

    I am getting a divorce. I’m telling everyone myself because I don’t want to be on the gossip chain.

    [Boss’s name]

  364. Cat Herder*

    I didn’t save this email, but I really wish I had. A long time ago, I used to work as a software consultant for a software company. As is usual in that industry, I started with a small, very friendly group, which was then swallowed up by a series of successively larger and more evil companies.

    As consultants, our job was pretty much 100% travel, as our work entailed going out to client sites and helping them configure the software to meet their unique needs. This meant that we all treasured our weekends, because that was often the only time we got to be *home* (most of our work was far enough away to require flights and hotel stays).

    Once a year, the largest and evilest company had a mandatory ‘consultant retreat’ where we were all to come together and schmooze and have presentations about useless things. This retreat would often stretch over a weekend, which meant that we were required to give up our only time off in order to attend.

    The last year I worked there, an HR person sent out a mass email to all of us consultants, informing us of the MANDATORY retreat, and also telling us in extremely condescending terms that we were all also expected to work extra hours the weeks before and after in order to make up the billable hours that we were all missing out on – the hours we would be otherwise wasting for attending this MANDATORY retreat that also sucked away our weekend, and meant people weren’t going to be able to see their families before having to head back to their respective job sites.

    (There was a rather ugly flurry of fury from all the consultants, obviously, and some hasty, yet grudging, retractions from higher-ups in HR and management, but let’s just say that was only one of *many* reasons why I and a lot of my other coworkers ran screaming from that company)

  365. Anony*

    This is my first time commenting here, I usually just read. I’m late, so I hope people are still reading these. Mine is a story.

    I am a preschool teacher and this happened about 2 months after I got hired to the job. My role at the job was to give the other teachers breaks and lunch breaks as needed. There were 2 teachers who worked together in one classroom and they couldn’t stand each other. I’ll call them Meg and Christine. Meg was the opening teacher at the time (for the preschool side, there is an infant/toddler side as well). So I never needed to give her a break in the morning or the afternoon, I only needed to give her a lunch break. Every day when I went to her classroom to give her a lunch break, she asked me who told me to give her a lunch break. She wanted to know whether Christine had told me to or a director had told me to. My answer was always the same, the assistant director had sent me to give her a lunch break. After I told her that the assistant director sent me, Meg would leave to take her lunch break. Christine was always in the room to hear this and I would stay in the classroom with Christine. One day, I went into the classroom to give Meg her lunch break. As always, she asked who told me to give her a lunch break. One of the owners, who I’ll call James, happened to be standing there. That day, Christine had had enough and was ready to quit on the spot. She got her stuff and started walking toward the door, telling James that she was done. James told her to stay and took Meg out of the classroom. She was apparently fired right then because James brought her back into the classroom to get her stuff. While she was gathering her stuff, she yelled at Christine that it wasn’t going to stay like this and she knew where Christine lived. Thankfully, nothing came out of that, but that is probably the most dramatic firing I will ever see. Everyone was glad she was gone

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