update: my dad is dating my boss, and they want me to go to couples therapy with them

by Alison Green on September 4, 2018

Remember the letter-writer whose boss was dating her dad, and she was being ordered to attend couples counseling with them? Here’s the update.

Thank you so much for your advice and support. Here’s an update.

I had to face the ultimatum two days after I first wrote in, so Alison hadn’t posted my letter on the site yet. I decided to call Jill’s bluff; I did all of her work for her and knew she couldn’t get rid of me without everything collapsing. If she continued to threaten my job, I was prepared to say, “Then I think we need to talk about my transition out of this position.”

When I got there, she was so cheery that I knew she didn’t think this would be a fight. She and my dad had me sit across from them again, in the same spot as last time, and just said, “So?” I said, “I’m not going to couple’s therapy with you because it’s really inappropriate, pretty unethical, and a conflict of interest. If you think my job performance needs work, you can hire someone to train me. And I really don’t appreciate being cornered and asked to go to therapy with you when I’d already told Dad I wasn’t interested.”

Over the next hour:
– Jill tried to tell me her therapist was the most ethical therapist.
– My dad said that we’re both really similar and sensitive, and it’s possible that I’m just being sensitive because Jill is so “direct.” I responded, “That’s insulting, and you don’t know what it’s like to do my job.”
– Jill said, “Are you telling me you’re not going to finish the book?” I told her I was actively looking for other jobs.
– I used my line about transitioning out of the role, and immediately Jill started backtracking and saying we could revisit this in, say, nine months. She started being friendly again, and said, “I was just telling your dad what a good job you did on that assignment yesterday.” She walked me to the door and tried to blame the whole thing on my dad, saying that she didn’t know I wasn’t comfortable going to therapy with them (even though I made that clear the first time they sat me down), and that she’s a therapy junkie and does it with everyone (which says a lot about her interpersonal relationships).

After that, I felt really strong. I’d been physically sick over this, and was really proud of myself for facing that horrible situation head-on. My husband was still waiting on his green card/work permit, so he was relieved that we still had an income and could pay rent. I continued looking for other jobs. The confrontation seemed to empower my dad a little bit, and over the next few weeks we discussed on a regular basis how he could get out of the relationship. My policy of not saying bad things about Jill had officially ended, and I told Dad all the horrible things she said and did, how her behavior was cyclical, and that she would never change. Not all of this was a surprise, though. I didn’t include these in the first letter because it wasn’t job-related, but my Dad had witnessed on multiple occasions Jill asking me how many people I’d had sex with and whether I was sexually attracted to my husband— lots of very weird, prying questions that felt like they were more about making me uncomfortable than learning more about me. He’d also heard her call our relatives and family friends cruel names like “Stepford Wife,” “Dumb and Dumber,” and “Children of the Corn.” … So he needs to face why he’s okay being with someone who treats his loved ones (and him!) this badly.

My letter published two weeks after the ultimatum, and I’d forgotten that it was scheduled for that Wednesday because I was so busy with everything else that was going on. I was babysitting when I got an email with the link to my AAM letter from my dad with the subject: “Um.” Someone he knew on Twitter had retweeted it. I just felt relieved; I’d already said all of what was in the letter directly to him, and I was so happy to finally have support from someone (Alison, thank you) to show that he was in the wrong. I was so lost and desperate when I wrote my letter, and it was important for him to see that what he was doing was not okay.

I read every single comment. I cried out of happiness to know I wasn’t crazy, that this wasn’t my fault, and that so many people were worried about me. My friends kept texting me screenshots and quotes from their favorite comments, and I felt so lifted up. To the person who offered to buy me Alison’s book: thank you! But I want to buy it myself when I can afford to as a thank you for all that Alison did for me. I took her up on her very generous offer to look over my resume and cover letter, and I made the changes she suggested when I continued sending out applications. To the wonderful person who gave me a free massage: thank you! I decided to get the massage after I got a new job as a treat for moving on. Which brings me to the next part of the story.

The day after my letter was posted, I woke up to eight emails from Jill. I was going through them, responding and completing the tasks she’d assigned, when she texted me asking if I was awake and had seen her email. I responded, “Which one?” and she said, “Which one do you think.” It was hardly the worst thing she’d said or done, but it was so rude and belittling. I heard all the commenters’ voices in my head, and I turned to my husband and said I wasn’t going to do this anymore.

I called a coworker, said that I think I needed to quit, and explained the situation. I told him everything: about the rumors she spreads, about the therapy threat, etc. We scheduled a call with the Vice Chair of the foundation, me, and two other employees (one of whom was resigning because they were moving). I told the Vice Chair everything, said that I loved the work I was doing for the foundation, but that I couldn’t work for Jill anymore. He said that while she’s done a lot for the foundation, she is absolutely impossible to work for. The other employees said they knew that her last assistant put up with a lot of abuse, and they had also noticed that Jill’s behaviors had patterns and cycles. They all said that I do wonderful work, and that they would do whatever they could to keep me, but that it sounded like there wasn’t a way to fix this, so they would help me leave my job in the least traumatic way possible. The Vice Chair said that if he were my father, he would tell me to do the same thing. He said to write a resignation letter effective immediately, otherwise Jill would try to convince me to stay. He also said not to do it in person or on the phone; it needed to be in an email so she couldn’t manipulate me in a conversation. They all reviewed and okayed my resignation letter, and the Vice Chair offered to be a reference. I was so touched that they believed and supported me.

On the advice of the Vice Chair, I gave my dad a heads-up. Dad begged me to do it the next morning (I guess because he would be leaving the house to go to work and wouldn’t have to face her), so I waited until 6 am to press send on my resignation email. I blocked Jill on both my emails and on my cell phone. I had arranged with my coworkers and the Vice Chair to transfer all of my files over to other staff members, so there was nothing Jill could claim only I had access to. Still, everything blew up. Dad kept calling and emailing, saying that I had to return the key to Jill’s (and his) house, that I should work for at least two more weeks, that I should come over and explain to Jill that I resigned because she was emotionally abusive (he said he would protect me). My husband and I left our apartment for a week and stayed with nearby relatives while things quieted down; we were worried Dad and Jill would come to our apartment.

Dad and I haven’t spoken since. Not talking to my dad has been very difficult and I miss him. What helps me is the response I got from Captain Awkward to my AAM letter: “Think of [your dad] as Theoden, King of Rohan while he’s still very much under Grima Wormtongue’s spell. You can love him but your safety depends on working around him. His advice to you sucks. He is not on your side.”

There have been a few times where my dad has reached out to my mom about random work things (“She didn’t give Jill all her files, she didn’t reimburse the foundation for her airplane ticket,” etc.) that I had already arranged with other staff members. Each time is very stressful because I worry that I did something wrong and that I won’t get a good reference from the Vice Chair, but then I remember that I arranged everything with them and that they would contact me themselves if there were a problem. All the staff members supported me, and no sane coworker would deal with a problem by complaining to Jill, having her complain to my dad, having my dad complain to my mom, and having my mom talk to me. It took a lot of talking with my mom before she realized that this situation is completely outside of the norms of professional behavior she’s dealt with, and that she can’t treat this like rational requests from a former employer. She’s now completely supportive of my choice to leave, and she knows I did so with the support of the other staff members.

In the months since, I’ve had a few interviews and signed up with a temp agency. Finally, I got a job! I start a new temp-to-perm position after the holiday weekend, and I’m so excited. My husband’s work permit has also come through, so soon we will have two incomes. Time to go get that massage!

Thank you so much for everything, Alison and the AAM community. I wouldn’t have had the confidence to leave my job if it hadn’t been for your kind words and support.

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{ 299 comments }

{ 299 comments… read them below }

  1. Eulerian*

    Terrific update! Good luck with the new job!

    But I still wish they had fired Jill instead of encouraging you to resign.

      1. AnnaBananna*

        Because she’s “worth more” in the grand scheme of the org? Who knows. If everyone is complaining, then wouldn’t it be time to head to the board?

        1. SavannahMiranda*

          This. If dear ol Dad knew exactly who wrote in the original letter, because someone clued him in who obviously knew, and Jill knew, and almost definitely the Vice Chair, then the Board also got wind of this.

          The Board, if they are worth their salt, will manage this nightmare of a human being right out of the organization. For the sake of the organization in their industry and for the group which they serve.

          Even though the letters are anonymous, the industry knows, the area nonprofits know, the regional Chairs and Boards of other charities know. Everyone knows.

          Hopefully the Board of Jill’s nonprofit gets her out.

    3. Hills to Die on*

      I am so proud of you! I prayed and hoped that you would get yourself out of it! Now, just know that it’s all uphill from here. That type of boss is a once-in-a-lifetime expereience.

      And yes, absolute stunner that Jill wasn’t fired. Unreal.

    4. Gatomon*

      Agreed! I’m so happy for OP, but… what on earth is Jill so good at that firing her isn’t possible?? Are they just going to let someone else walk into this position with Jill?

      1. Sara without an H*

        In the original post, OP said that Jill was the Chair of the foundation. Admittedly, the Board would have ultimate oversight, but my guess is that Jill is a rain-maker for this group, so they sacrifice an occasional admin to her and let her do her stuff. Sad, but it happens a lot.

        1. Dove*

          I suspect it’s less that she’s a rain-maker and more that she’s got a stranglehold on various files and contacts that are important to the org’s functioning. That the Vice President had the OP transfer her files to coworkers instead of transferring anything to Jill suggests to me that they’re trying to remove things from Jill’s control in order to do pre-emptive damage control for when it comes time to show her the door – similar to how the letter the other day led to discussion about how employees with jobs requiring security clearances can be asked to not come back in during their notice period, because it’s a security risk.

          Because I don’t think anyone here isn’t willing to believe that Jill would absolutely try to sabotage important files or burn bridges between the org and contacts she’s got the ear of, if she gets the chance when they tell her she’s being asked to leave. And the Vice President did say that they wished the OP could stay with the org, but understood not being able to be anywhere near Jill any more. So it feels like, to me, that the Vice President really wanted to keep the OP (and doesn’t want Jill at all) but isn’t going to try and force OP to stay in an environment which might have any contact with Jill, and is also working on setting things up so that the organisation can survive booting Jill out no matter how vindictively petty she gets.

        2. Gatomon*

          It makes me sick to know that happens at all in our universe. I hope whatever good the organization does for its community outweighs the horrible things Jill has done to OP, OP’s father and anyone else impacted by her behavior.

        3. Happy Pirate*

          “my guess is that Jill is a rain-maker for this group, so they sacrifice an occasional admin to her ”
          Best line ever; I need no more internets today, I am complete.

        4. Effective Immediately*

          I love, love, love nonprofits and I found early in my career I’m not cut out for the for-profit world, but damn if this isn’t the absolute worst thing about this sector. Getting a bad, ineffective person out is damn near impossible if they bring in enough dollars/cement their role with personal relationships to donors.

          It causes so much dysfunction, and from an Operations background/standpoint I can never, ever understand why it’s allowed to continue. If your business (because even nonprofits and foundations are, on some level, businesses) is so fragile that one person leaving will crash the whole system, you’re doing it wrong.

    5. Slow Gin Lizz*

      Agree 100%!!! Why did they keep Jill and not you?? But congratulations, OP, for ridding yourself of that job and, I hope soon, Jill too!

    6. JLCBL*

      Yes, what a great update from a concerning situation. OP, you did an incredible job taking all the steps you needed to get out of there. You showed impressive courage, resolve, and maturity even before Alison had a chance to respond to your letter. Here’s to better days for you!

    7. Juli G.*

      Well, she’s done so much for the foundation that maybe they want to allow her the honor of causing their first lawsuit.

    8. CoveredInBees*

      I don’t know about Jill, but I’ve seen terrible people kept on because they were friends with major donors or the Board simply didn’t want to rock the boat and kept hoping the “Jill” would learn from having yet another person quit.

      Spoiler alert: They never learned.

    9. AKchic*

      The Vice Chair said it himself: she does a lot of good for the foundation. Meaning – she is a producer. Whether it’s money (likely) or something tangible for the foundation, she brings something to the table that the Vice Chair felt was more valuable than assistant turn-over and staff morale. This happens a lot. Unless its something so egregious or illegal that the company can’t sweep under the rug or people are willing to walk away from (high turnover and easily replaceable) without causing a fuss (social media/internet truthing, lawsuit, etc.), then they aren’t going to do anything to reign in the problem manager(s) and are, themselves, a part of the problem.

        1. AKchic*

          No, but the Vice Chair can take it to the rest of the board and the board can make plans to oust her. They should have plenty of information at this point.

          2. Dove*

            My feeling is that the Vice Chair is working on getting things set up so that Jill can be ousted without her being able to wreak havoc on the organisation afterwards (or at least to mitigate any potential havoc as much as possible). The fact that the OP was told to transfer files to coworkers, instead of Jill, is what makes me think that’s what’s going on there. And Jill’s behaviour does make it hard to believe that she *wouldn’t* try and burn the org to the ground just to spite them during her notice period.

            1. AKchic*

              That’s my feeling too. She is an all-around abuser, so it stands to reason she will abuse anyone and everything and, in essence, burn the organization to the ground, even if she built it, if only because she helped build it, and to her, it is partially a vanity thing, and the whole “if I can’t run this, nobody can” mentality.
              It’s an abuser’s bread and butter, but for the workplace.

            2. D'Arcy*

              Agreed. The Vice Chair sounds like they’re positioning things to oust Jill, but they’re also being very honest and fair with the OP about this is not going to be done immediately and you’re at the end of your tolerance for her behavior, so let’s transition you out rather than try to ask you to hang on until she’s out.

            3. Amelia Pond*

              That was my thought as well. As much as wish some people were immediately irreplaceable, they aren’t always, especially if they manipulated themselves into *being* irreplaceable. They may also want to make sure their case is super airtight and can’t possibly be seen as sexist or racist (I recall Boss was a female POC, I believe) because from her behavior, I would not be shocked if she brought a suit if removed.

                1. BatmansRobyn*

                  Racial and gender-based discrimination, most likely. Jill almost certainly has no basis for the claim, but that doesn’t change the fact that the org will still have to deal with it, or that even early stages of litigation (especially Spite Litigation, since settlement demands are often nonexistent or outrageous when people bring suits out of spite) are expensive and time-consuming.

            4. media monkey*

              also if files were transferred to Jill, she could claim that OP had never sent them, whereas she can’t do that is a 3rd party has them.

      2. Smithy*

        I used to work for an organization that was almost shut down – instead the board fired the ED, other senior staff, and then voted for nearly the entire board to be dismissed. The board was slowly rebuilt around two previous boardmembers who remained.

        They were so terrified of further scandal/donor confidence that when their newly hired ED had various assorted Jill related complaints – that never the less did not rise to previous ED level – they opted to deal with high turn over instead.

        Is it making for a well run organization with staff satisfaction? No. But their fear of lost donor confidence and saving the organization isn’t unfounded. It was a horrible place to work and it’s not a choice I’d make – but it also isn’t an illogical choice.

    10. mark132*

      I wonder if Jill can’t be fired because it’s in essence “her” foundation. But I agree that would have been the best outcome.

          1. mark132*

            It does but an executive who gets results, but is a jerk, is going to “win” versus an administrative assistant almost every time. Boards both for both profit and non-profit entities overwhelming choice results. The executives who get forced out are either not getting results, doing something illegal, or some PR nightmare.

      2. Hapless Bureaucrat*

        Might be. It sometimes happens that a founder or ED can pack the board with sympathetic members. They can be nearly impossible to oust when that happens, even at worse- than-Jill levels of egregiousness.

    11. Hey Nonnie*

      Yeah, that whole bit where the Vice Chair ADMITS “Jill is a nightmare, but I think you should be the one to leave” makes me so, so angry. Really dude? You’re going to keep the holy terror but get rid of the one who is extremely good at her job? Which ultimately means that Jill will continue to cost them time, money, and people that have to be trained every six months because of rapid turnover. I would think that the foundation’s reputation is, or will eventually, take a hit too — it’s not a good look to do “good works” with one hand while abusing your own employees on the other. It’s not only cowardly, but stupid. Jill isn’t the only experienced non-profit chairperson out there.

      (Also, aren’t non-profit board members volunteer positions? Why does Jill get a personal assistant on the foundation’s dime in the first place?)

      Anyway… not our circus, not our monkeys. I am very glad LW was able to get out, and find the support to protect herself.

      1. Hey Nonnie*

        Also: sorry about your dad. I hope your prior conversations about possibly leaving her continue to worm their way through his thoughts and push him to get out too.

      2. Green*

        There are many people who are bizarre, hard-to-work-for or just downright abusive who are really good at achieving their objectives. And as much as I like to set clear lines about values and expectations about workplace conduct, for very small organizations, you may be endangering the ability of the organization to function/survive (and therefore the services provided or other people’s jobs) if you displace key people. A lot of organizations would pick a Director of Development who exceeds her financial goals but is terrible to other staff over her administrative assistant.

        1. Afiendishthingy*

          I subscribe to the No Asshole rule. No asshole’s
          production is worth that toxic culture and abuse.

          1. Julia*

            Plus, how good is Jill actually at her job when it seems like she spends all her time harassing people and making OP do Jill’s work?

      3. Someone Else*

        I read it more like OP had already told Vice Chair she intended to leave, and Vice Chair’s reply was “yes that makes sense because Jill is a nightmare” and then continuing to assist with the escape plan, not that he was encouraging her to leave; just agreeing with her having decided to.

        1. Michaela Westen*

          He could have said, “No, don’t go, let’s get rid of Jill, she’s overdue!” instead.

          1. SavannahMiranda*

            Vice Chair is vice to Jill’s chair. He can’t fire her. And the process of managing her out comes down to the Board, and it’s a slow and methodical process. For reasons of liability, to try to maintain some stability in order to serve their clients, and because a group of 5-10 people serving on a volunteer basis with lives and obligations of their own are simply going to be slow to come to any kind of unanimity.

            The decision makes perfect sense. It’s awful. It’s unsavory. It kills our justice feels. But it could never have gone any other way.

            Except perhaps to move LW within the organization to a different boss, but we all know (and Vice Chair knows) that would not have gone over.

    12. RedinSC*

      I KNOW! Why didn’t they fire Jill? She seems like a total liability! She would have been the one gone had I been on the board and learned any of this stuff.

    13. OhGee*

      Seriously. I know people like this often get to stay at their organizations because I’ve seen it first hand but I can only assume it’s because the people who could do the firing are mortally terrified of her.

    14. media monkey*

      agreed. this is one of the best updates I have ever seen on here. so happy things are working out and you are right away from Jill. I really hope your dad sees sense so that you can rebuild your relationship with him.

    15. EddieSherbert*

      +100

      So very happy for you, OP! You are a friggin ROCK STAR. Amazing.

      But that company is mind-blowingly ridiculous that the Vice-President(?!?!) and apparently “everyone” knows Jill is an abusive psycho but still keep her around. Honestly, there’s definitely more going on there and that’s not somewhere you want to work (even if Jill were to leave).

    16. TardyTardis*

      Yes, what is going to happen to that foundation when they can’t find anyone to work with Jill?

  2. SpiderLadyCEO*

    I’m so happy you got free, OP! And I’m glad the commenters helped you out. Congrats on your new job, I hope you love it! And of course, enjoy your massage ;)

  3. Murphy*

    Wow, that was a roller coaster.

    I’m sorry that Jill and your dad put you through that. I think you handled everything well, and I’m glad that you’re in a better place now!

    1. NotAnotherManager!*

      Seconded!

      LW, you should be very proud of yourself for handling an insane and difficult situation so well. Best of luck with your new position!!

  5. Bea*

    What a relief that you are free from that circus and moving forward steadily. These success stories can inspire others in similar horrible situations to keep going, there is light at the end of the darkness. Congratulations on the new job and sending all the positive thoughts for your husband to find something soon so you can be completely free of the fear limited income can bring. Thank you for the update.

  6. Bigglesworth*

    This is awesome, OP!!! I’m so glad you got out of that terrible situation! It’s evident from your letter that you had a lot of support from those around you (your dad excluded of course). Good luck on your new position! Enjoy your massage!

  7. Kathy*

    So happy to hear this OP. You were in a very difficult, uber weird situation. After time, I am sure your father will come around.

  8. chickia*

    This is the best update, thank you so much for sending it!!! I am so happy LW, that you have left this awful situation and things are looking up for you. No one deserves that kind of abuse, ever. And I hope for his sake that your Dad will eventually leave her as well. Best wishes.

  9. Annie Moose*

    A big ol’ CONGRATULATIONS to you! This update makes me so happy I want to cry. LW, YOU HAVE WON. You’re free of Jill, you’re free of weird manipulative relationship stuff, you have a supportive group of friends and ex-coworkers who believe you and have your back. I am so happy your mom now understands how bad things are and is supportive of you as well; it must be a great comfort to have some family on your side even though your dad isn’t safe right now. I wish you all the best with your new job! May it be boringly normal. :)

  10. London Calling*

    OP – you rock. You are completely and utterly strong, determined and fearless. What you did when you resigned took nerves of steel and you went ahead and did it anyway regardless of Jill and your father and regardless of the fallout. I’m in awe of you.

    1. Princess Consuela Banana Hammock*

      This is seriously the most epic update I think I’ve ever read, and I am giddy for OP. OP did amazingly well, and I’m so proud of them for standing up for themselves and getting the support and distance they needed to recognize that this whole situation was banana crackers. This was seriously a huge feat, which OP undertook under extremely stressful conditions and knocked out of the park. OP is such a boss (I mean that in a good way).

      I’m very sorry about the estrangement, because that must hurt and be difficult. But Captain Awkward has it right—he’s under some kind of bewitching emotional duress, and he’s giving terrible (and somewhat selfish) advice. I don’t think he’s a bad person; I just think he’s been with someone who has warped his mind so much that he can’t navigate up from down, anymore.

      1. Hills to Die on*

        Giddy was exactly how I was feeling! I think I said ‘YES!’ in my office a few times. I also think dad should be considered someone who has a sort of illness–he isn’t himself at the moment but I hope you reunite with him and that it’s because he kicked Jill to the curb.

        1. AKchic*

          Being in a co-dependent, abusive relationship is like an addiction, so yes, it can be like an illness.

      3. London Calling*

        I know. I was reading and and thinking, ‘Holy sh1t, the guts it must have taken to stand up and do that.’

        1. Princess Consuela Banana Hammock*

          I’m still committed to donating to the “Free OP!” GoFundMe, if it’s ever created!

      6. Dragonfly*

        Giddy totally describes this feeling for OP. My heart is soaring for you! So happy you are out. All the best with your new job. It took a lot of strength to deal with all of that, and to dig yourself out. Sometimes our proudest moments are gained from getting through situations like these. You are amazing.

      7. Steve*

        I feel the same way – I enjoy Updates and was actually excited when I saw which one it was, and then to read how well the OP coped with everything… makes me so happy, and I’m not doing more than reading it! The new job and work permit are added good news.

        I am also sorry about the estrangement, but you can’t have a healthy relationship with him for now so you have made the best decision.

      8. Trust Your Instincts*

        I think OPs dad suffers from a form of investment. It’s the same reason why scam victims refuse to believe they’re being scammed. They’ve invested so much time, emotion, and resources into this one person, they have to believe it will pay off somehow. To believe otherwise is to believe you’ve lost everything you’ve lost for this person with nothing to show for it. In OPs dads’ case, it’s a matter of he’s loss his self-respect, the comfort of living in his home, and now his daughter. He has to believe that Jill will change to his way of thinking eventually, that their relationship will suddenly be smooth sailing, and that the arguments and counselling and abuse will end, otherwise, what was the point?

        We humans are fantastic at lying to ourselves if it means we don’t have to feel the pain of loss.

        OP, good for you for getting out of there! I’m glad you found that inner strength in time, even though it meant you had to do it before Alison could help. We’re all rooting for you!

        1. Khlovia*

          The “sunk cost fallacy”.
          Also, in this case, brainwashing.
          Aaaaand thinking with the little head instead of the big head.

    3. KimberlyR*

      And OP did the heavy work before she even got Alison’s advice and backing. Which means she did it without support (as far as she knew) except her husband’s. That’s even more amazing. That takes courage that I’m not sure I would possess but that I strive for.

      OP, I truly admire you. I hope you’re very happy in your next position. You deserve it!

  11. Ali G*

    This makes me so happy. Congratulations on your new job and getting out of that horrible position! Hopefully your dad can eventually extract himself from the relationship with Jill and then the two of you can start rebuilding your own relationship.

  13. Tuna Casserole*

    This is a great update! You stood up for yourself, and that took a lot of courage and strength. Best of luck for your new job!

  14. Detective Amy Santiago*

    This update makes me so happy! I’ve been wondering how you were doing.

    I’m sorry that things blew up so much and I really hope your dad comes to his senses sooner rather than later. Congrats on the new job!

  15. SheLooksFamiliar*

    OP, what an update! I’m happy for you, and think you are all kinds of awesome for how you handled things. All the best to you in your new job!

  16. Roja*

    Holy catfish. What an update.

    I can only shake my head at the foundation not firing Jill. They know multiple people have left because of her… so why on earth haven’t they replaced her? That’s the point of having a board!

    But anyway, I’m so glad you’re doing well, OP, and that your husband’s work permit is almost ready to go. Here’s hoping you have nothing but smooth sailing in all your jobs here on out!

    1. Autumnheart*

      I thought the same thing! “It sounded like there wasn’t a way to fix this” Um, fire Jill? Pretty sure that would fix it.

  17. Kaina60*

    Wow, thank you for the great update. I really was concerned for you stuck in that horrible work situation.

    Regarding your father, I’d say give it a little while before you reach out to him. He’s not ready yet but when he is he may need your help getting out from under Jill’s spell. If she was so mentally abusive to you in a work setting, I can imaging how controlling and horrible she is to him in a home setting.

    Good luck on the new job

    1. Dee*

      That’s kinder than my first instinct about OP’s father, but it’s probably the right one. I hope he’s able to break free of her soon.

      1. Bea*

        He’s in an abusive relationship, so it’s extremely hard to break that cycle. That’s the only reason I’m holding out hope for him. For his own safety and health on top of the strained relationship with his daughter!

    2. Temperance*

      Gently chiming in to say that it’s totally okay if LW wants to rebuild a relationship with her dad, but that it’s not her responsibility whatsoever to help him get away from Jill. If she wants to, great, but it sounds like this woman is a volatile nightmare human.

      1. GS*

        Agreed. And that also watching someone close to you make and set boundaries and survive it is pretty valuable from an abuse victim’s point of view; you’ve already given him the data point that someone can leave her sphere of influence and survive/thrive. That’s already a valuable contribution, as will be holding the boundaries you need to keep you safe and healthy.

    3. MsChanandlerBong*

      Good point. My FIL is in a very similar relationship. His wife is mentally abusive, controls/limits his access to family members, listens in on every phone call he makes, etc. He just goes along with whatever she wants because she’s the one he lives with, and if he doesn’t give in, she’ll make his life even more miserable.

    4. blackcat*

      I understand that OPs dad may need help to get out of an abusive situation, but I disagree that OP needs to be the one to provide it.
      It is common for abused parents to 1) knowingly expose their children to abuse and 2) position their children as their savior/parentify the child/treat their child as an emotional spouse, etc.
      Neither of those are okay. They are not made okay by the fact that OP is an adult. He’s still her father. She is not her father’s keeper. He’s a shit dad.
      It’s okay if OP wants to help her dad. But it is also, 100% not OPs job.
      If I were the OP, I would walk away, as painful as it is, at least for a long time. I’d block dad, too.
      And I’d tell mom, “Really, you think I should be continued to exposed to an abusive person?” And I’d probably add the AAM and Captain Awkward links and say “The entire internet disagrees with you.”

      1. Khlovia*

        I especially like that last bit.

        Also, OP, (a) DANCING IN THE STREET because of you, and (b) that bit about your father being under the spell of Wormtongue–unless you are Gandalf, a powerful maia, instead of Eowyn, tough warrior chick that we know you to be, don’t try to tackle that. Steer clear, no matter how much your heart hurts. This is way above your pay grade. Tell him, once, that if he ever escapes, you’d be willing to answer his phone call; but until then, you are not on duty.

  18. Violaine*

    If there ever was a letter I was hoping for an update on, it was this one. Thanks for writing in again, OP, and updating us all. Good luck in your new job, and congratulations to your husband for his work permit coming through!!

  19. Rollercoaster, indeed.*

    Oy, vey. That was exhausting to read–you’re amazing for having worked through all of that and gotten out of there!

    Good luck on your new job!

    Seriously, tho’. WTF Foundation? You’ve had multiple people tell you what a nightmare she is and you’re still employing her?

  20. Amber Rose*

    LW, you are incredibly amazing. Like, I am just floored by how awesomely you dealt with this ridiculous, unreasonable mess.

    Bravo.

    1. MtnLaurel*

      This is a model of how to deal with an impossible situation and come out on top. Congratulations, and thanks for updating!!

  22. Falling Diphthong*

    She’s a therapy junkie and does it with everyone.

    NoooooOOooo! *curls into fetal position*

    OP, I am glad you are out.

    1. beth*

      Right? That’s such a red flag. It’s one thing to find therapy seriously beneficial in your own life; it’s a totally different thing to need group therapy with everyone in your life just to keep your relationships alive.

    2. Violet Rose*

      It was “…Jill asking me how many people I’d had sex with and whether I was sexually attracted to my husband…” that nearly had me spit my coffee. OP, I’m so glad you’re out and AWAY from this monkey house!

      2. Observer*

        “how do I intrude on thee? Let me count the ways”

        With apologies to Elizabeth Barrett Browning

        All of this is utterly bizarre.

      3. Falling Diphthong*

        “I’m thinking grandchildren… what’s a nice low-key, noninvasive way to float a question about her timeline on providing them?”

        1. Nita*

          Haha! I guess Jill decided OP is really good with the grandchild she already has, who had been foisted on her while the parents thought Jill is babysitting…

      4. Annie Moose*

        I am reaching here, or at least I hope I am, but LW mentioned her husband is in the process of getting a green card. Was Jane trying to imply the only reason LW and her husband got married was for a green card??

        I mean, even if it was just garden-variety creepily-invasive-sexual-questions, it’d be a totally unacceptable topic of discussion, but… it made me wonder.

        1. Jenny Next*

          That’s where my brain went, too, and in particular that she might try to sabotage the green card application.

        2. Indie*

          My take was that she needed to know about her home life for manipulation purposes. If OP were a Jill, she wouldn’t be supporting her husband while he’s out of work, nor would she stand up to her boss while that’s going on (so baddass).
          If OP had been having problems at home she’d have been easier to grind down.
          Cats like Jill like to know how much life is left in their mice.

      1. OhSoVeryAnonForThis*

        Agreed that couples/family therapy with abusive people is useless, even destructive!
        I have a (verbally, physically, sexually) abusive close relative from whom I’d disengaged many years before. Then they married, and their spouse browbeat me into joining them in a family therapy. It was horrible.
        The therapist was unaware of the abuse, and only saw abuser’s depression/sexual issues/Valium addiction/marital issues/suicide threats etc. I was pushed to baring my soul, broke down in tears, and then was forced to say nice things about abuser, which they promptly made fun of* during the session (I only attended once). Therapist then declared all walls had been torn down between us two, and we could now continue communication on our own.
        I fled.

        [*The abuser later used the personal information gleaned there against me in a court case, causing me to lose custody of my demented mother. She died locked up in an institution.]

        I became very angry at all participants and myself.
        I felt so sick and invaded I could not sleep.
        Finally, I picked up the phone and made an individual appointment with the therapist. There I told him my entire story, the abuse, the lies, the manipulation, the violence, that the abuser was not the victim they had painted themselves as but very much a perp. I also told the therapist I would not come back again.
        The therapist became very quiet, and politely saw me out.
        Years later I heard by chance the therapist had soon after terminated therapy with the abuser.
        I feel so much better these days after having fully gotten away.

        tldnr;
        OP, you did so very well to get out and stay away from “therapy” with an abusive person!
        You are to to be applauded for your strength!
        I would be happy to donate to a fund to help you find a job (getting professional clothing, pay for gas etc.).

        1. Khlovia*

          I am so sorry that happened to you. I hope you later made a point to inform the therapist that they were indirectly responsible for your mother being institutionalized. There is no excuse for a therapist’s failing to get all the facts from all sides before deciding who’s who and what’s what. Were they brand new in their job, or what?

      2. Gadget Hackwrench*

        Ugh. My mother did that crap. She was emotionally abusive as all get out but very good at victim playing, so by the time they were out of therapy she just had my father crushed back under her thumb where she preferred him… AND she came home with new rhetoric to use against my brother and I. “A relationship is like a bank… you can only get out of it what you put into it. You can’t keep taking more from me than you give.” Which.. between peers, great. Don’t say that to your 8 year old.

  23. beth*

    CONGRATS ANON YOU ARE OUT OF THERE!!!!

    I’m also giving your ex-organization some major side-eye for keeping Jill on when they’re fully aware she’s abusive. That’s really not okay, especially if they’re going to continue to hire assistants for her. (It wouldn’t be great even if they had her working in a completely isolated area–people who want to be abusive towards others will find ways to do it–but it’s especially bad if they’re continuing to put people directly under her control, knowing full-well how she treats them. Even if they’re otherwise great people, they’re actively choosing to enable abuse, and that’s a serious problem.)

    But I’m glad you’ve found a new job, I’m glad your husband’s green card is working out, and I’m extra glad that your mom has come around and realized what’s going on here. Hopefully your dad manages to break out of Wormtongue’s grip soon.

    1. Paloma Pigeon*

      No kidding. And they are going to get a hostile workplace complaint if she keeps asking junior staff about their sex lives – it’s a provable pattern.

  24. Dame Judi Brunch*

    Congratulations! I’m proud of you! The way you handled yourself was an inspiration.
    I just don’t understand why they’re keeping Jill on. You’re out of there, so not your concern anymore.
    Hopefully your dad breaks her spell soon. Grima Wormtongue is so accurate!
    Stay strong and take care!

  25. Notthemomma*

    You are a rock star goddess for how you dealt with all the crazy!! If ever in your life you doubt yourself, remember how you navigated this- we should all have such strength!

  26. Lopp*

    Good for you OP! I see that your husband is waiting for his green card interview. Are you his only sponsor? Immigration might have a problem with you not having a permanent job. I guess asking your dad to be a cosponsor is out of the question but maybe it’s a good idea to be ready to have your mom as a cosponsor in case USCIS doesn’t accept just you as a sponsor. Although with the current waiting times for a green card you might already have a permanent job for more than 6 months by the time you get to interview. Good luck!

    1. Old Admin*

      A Green Card sponsor needs to have proven income above poverty levels, which vary by state:
      https://20somethingfinance.com/what-is-the-united-states-poverty-line/
      Hopefully, the OP will able to earn more than $16,240 (2 person family in contguous 48 states) at the temp agency, else she will need a co-sponsor.

      And yes, I was cheering and internally applauding the OP for “growing a pair”, as it were, and standing up to this extremely horrible boss and highly manipulated (and manipulative) father.
      Please give us another update whenever you fell like it, OP!

      1. Lopp*

        They need 125% of poverty level but USCIS likes to see good work history as well and may still reject someone without a steady income

  27. LadyPhoenix*

    Definitely mad that the foundation knows Jill is an issue and hasn’t dished for a much needed can of whoop@ss. A case of “how many good employees do you have to lose before getting rid of someone awful?”

    Just glad glad glad you are out and that you had so many friends and loved ones to help. Go forth!

    1. Clorinda*

      Yes, what on earth does she do for them, and how long is it before her dysfunctional, disruptive side manifests itself in that area too? They should be actively and vigorously seeking a replacement for her. Maybe they are.

      1. Dove*

        I suspect they are, and that they’re also working on mitigating the level of damage she can wreak once she’s told to leave. That OP was told to transfer all the files to coworkers, instead of transferring any of them to Jill, is suggestive of that to me.

  28. Observer*

    Wow!

    I’m so sorry that you haven’t been able to speak to your dad. It must really hurt to have to protect yourself so strongly from someone who you should be able to trust to have at least your basic welfare at heart. But so glad that your mother finally got it, and that you’ve had the support you needed from others.

    I agree with the others who wonder why Jill is still in her job. Please know that while it’s good that the Vice Chair treated you reasonably, the Board is NOT doing their job AT ALL. Keep this as a lesson in what NOT to do in the future.

  29. AnonEMoose*

    I’m so glad that you are out of there, moving on, and taking care of you. I hope that your Dad finds a way out, too.

  30. Corky's Wife Bonnie*

    Wow, just WOW!! I am so happy you are out of there, I was so worried about you after reading the initial letter. Much luck and many blessings on your new job, and cheers to greener pastures ahead. Congratulations!

  31. Snark*

    “They all said that I do wonderful work, and that they would do whatever they could to keep me, but that it sounded like there wasn’t a way to fix this, so they would help me leave my job in the least traumatic way possible.”

    OH MY GOD VICE CHAIR THERE IS SO COMPLETELY A WAY TO FIX THIS AND THAT IS TO BLOW THIS RADIOACTIVE PERSON OUT THE AIRLOCK LIKE AN EXTRA ON A SYFY CHANNEL SHOW THAT IS ABOUT TO GET CANCELLED ANYWAY JESUS CHRIST WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU STOP COVERING FOR THIS LUNATIC

    ……gasp

    1. Snark*

      FURTHERMORE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD IF SHE’S DRIVING COMMITTED EMPLOYEES AWAY WHATEVER THE HELL YOU THINK SHE’S DOING FOR THE FOUNDATION IS MORE THAN OUTWEIGHED BY HER RAMPAGING THROUGH THE CHINA SHOP OF PROFESSIONAL NORMS LIKE A BULL WITH BOUNDARY ISSUES SO MAYBE JUST STOP BULLSHITTING YOURSELF

      1. Snark*

        …..wheeeeeeze okay I am finished screaming so loud the Vice Chair might be able to hear, but seriously, this one gave me the vapors

        1. animaniactoo*

          It’s okay. I wrote my more measured response about that portion below, but am sitting at my desk giggling my fool head off at your response. :)

        2. Crystal*

          I’m assuming she has unique money connections or a strong personal connection to the to family that started the foundation. She is obviously seen as unfireable.

            2. animaniactoo*

              At worst, they can be “eased out” instead of being outright fired.

              (I may have witnessed this method in action myself…)

            3. Bea*

              It’s true but I’ve seen so many horrible people keep their jobs because of spineless lazy idiots in the decision making position.

              They don’t want to be bothered to remove her and deal with the fallout.

            4. Tuxedo Cat*

              I’ve noticed sometimes people will do anything to avoid firing people, even though it’s so obviously needed.

              It could be that. I’m not saying it’s right but it’s something I’ve seen happen.

        3. bonkerballs*

          To be fair, you’re yelling at the Vice Chair when Jill is, according to the original letter, the Chair. So she outranks the Vice Chair. So it’s not like the Vice Chair really has any standing to fire her.

            1. animaniactoo*

              I think the point is though that Vice Chair might be trying to make the case to the board, but it’s not nearly as fast or instantaneous a process and certainly wouldn’t have been quick enough for OP’s sanity. So we can cross our fingers and hope that’s what he’s trying to do, but stop yelling at him for not being able to make it happen already.

              1. bonkerballs*

                Exactly, that’s all I’m saying. The knee jerk reaction from most comments on here are outrage that the Vice Chair didn’t immediately fire Jill, but that would have been impossible for the Vice Chair given that Jill is the Chair. So the Vice Chair did what they were able to do immediately in assisting and protecting OP from Jill.

            2. Pop*

              Sadly, in some states it’s legal for nonprofit EDs to also be on the board – so she could be both the board chair AND the staff person in charge of day to day operations.

          3. CoveredInBees*

            No standing to fire, but there are usually term limits. If someone wants to remain on the Board, they have to be re-approved. On a mostly-functional board, this would be perfunctory but it is an option for removing a Chair as painlessly as possible. There’s usually a way to remove a chair written into the bylaws as well, but that can get seriously ugly.

      2. The Original K.*

        Yeah. I’m beyond BEYOND glad for the OP that she’s out of there, but there are lots of ways the org could have fixed it – they just didn’t want to. As someone pointed out upthread, they know Jill abuses assistants but they keep giving her assistants. Why? Why did the OP have to work for Jill – could she have been moved to work under the vice chair, or another person in the org?

        I mean, of course the salient point is that the OP is free from all this f*ckery, but the org didn’t handle this well at all.

      3. BRR*

        I need you to yell something similar at my manager. Another person stinks at their job and needs to be fired and at one point my manager said “I don’t know what I can do about it.” PUT THEM ON A PIP. Like there is a clear solution.

    3. beth*

      “Whatever they could to keep you” as in…idk, fire Jill and replace her with a non-abusive person??? Or shift OP to a position with non-abusive manager???

      I feel a lot of disdain for this organization, to be honest.

  32. Four lights*

    Congratulations!!! Good job sticking to your guns and making it through the worst. Keep hanging in there, and good luck on the new job!

  33. kristinyc*

    What a great update! Proud of you, OP!

    Also, please write a book about this whole experience someday (once you have more distance from it….). I would love to read it.

    1. Old Admin*

      Yes!
      OP, use your practice from ghostwriting a book for writing an account of your own crazy experience. It would be a great read, and – aside from therapeutic value – maybe make some money.

  34. animaniactoo*

    OP, I am so glad to see you’re out from under all of that! Congratulations!

    (Although I have to admit that I give a lot of side-eye to a Vice Chair who recognizes that Jill is so out of control that he is actively game-planning and working to help protect an employee who is leaving, but STILL values Jill/Jill’s contributions over the remaining (and next) employees.)

  36. Mrs. D*

    I’m SOOOOO glad to see an update for this–and a happy one, at that!

    OP, it is so satisfying to see you get the happy ending you so deserve. Good for you for standing up for yourself! I can only imagine how hard the situation with your father is, but again, good for you for setting boundaries and sticking with them. This is so important for your physical and mental well-being. It’s wonderful that you have so much support from your co-workers–I’m positive this made all the difference in extracting yourself from a toxic workplace situation. Thank you for the update!

  37. Free Meerkats*

    Dad begged me to do it the next morning (I guess because he would be leaving the house to go to work and wouldn’t have to face her), so I waited until 6 am to press send on my resignation email.

    This line tells me that Dear Old Dad knows he’s living with a bunny boiler. I’m sorry you have had to pretty much cut him off; but as long as he’s associating with her, it sounds like your best course. Enjoy your new life!

    1. Autumnheart*

      I thought so as well. All his “advice” centered around getting OP to manage her resignation so that Jill could continue to direct all her abuse at OP, instead of at him. Here’s a thought, Dad, you can fire Jill too.

  38. Delphine*

    I hope someone tweets out this update and the Vice Chair of the organization happens to see it this time around because there was absolutely a way to fix it. There was a very obvious way to fix it. It begins with “Fire” and ends with “Jill.”

      1. bonkerballs*

        I mentioned this upthread, but if you read the original letter, Jill is the chair of the organization. So the Vice Chair is Jill’s subordinate and can’t fire her.

  40. Lee*

    Oh, what good news!! I have been thinking about you and hoping you were well and finding a way to get out of that terrible situation. It looks like you have realized how strong you really are. I wish you all good things for the future!

  43. Anonymosity*

    Oh boy was I glad to read this update. Thank you for letting us know, OP. I’m glad you got out of this situation. The Vice Chair is awesome to give you an out and a reference, though I wish they’d fired Jill instead of letting this go on and losing good employees over it.

    Captain Awkward is right–there is nothing you can do about your dad. I feel bad for him; he’s clearly being manipulated, but unfortunately, it’s up to him at this point.

  45. Hallowflame*

    OP, thank you so much for sending in this update. I’m so happy you are out of that HORRIBLE situation and moving on to better, more sane things! Enjoy the heck out of that massage, you absolutely deserve it!
    Regarding your dad, I’m so sorry things shook out that way, but you should absolutely keep your distance for the foreseeable future. As long as he’s with Jill, his judgement and priorities are compromised and he cannot be relied upon to behave as a father should toward his kid. If he is ever able to extricate himself from Jill’s clutched, I hope you and he can mend fences and rebuild your relationship.

  46. Debonairess*

    Amazing update – thanks OP. Hopefully this inspires others in toxic work situations to know there can be a light at the end of the tunnel even in the weirdest possible scenarios.
    Congratulations on the new job – I’m looking forward to you realising several times a day “this is how normal jobs work!”. Also congrats on your husband’s permit. Great news all round!!

  47. Delta Delta*

    This is a great update. The whole story is so bizarre. My only sadness for OP currently is that this is obviously going to have an impact on her relationship with her dad. But, I also think that if Dad and Jill stay together, OP probably is doing the best for herself by cutting that whole piece out of her life til Jill is gone.

    I’m joining the ranks of the flabbergasted among the commentariat who are surprised the foundation kept Jill aboard. But, in the meantime, OP should enjoy the freedom and do her best to untangle from all the weirdness.

  48. chi type*

    Doesn’t it feel great when you finally stand up for yourself? It is terrifying and people who were benefiting from your accommodating nature WILL be upset with you for being so “unreasonable” all of a sudden but it is totally worth it to finally stop letting someone walk all over you! Confrats OP!

  49. Matilda Jefferies*

    Oh, OP. I am so proud of you, and so happy for you! Thank you so much for the update, and best of luck to you and your husband as you start this next phase of your lives together.

  50. Turquoisecow*

    OP, I’m sorry you had to quit, because Jill absolutely should have been fired. But a place that finds her behavior acceptable and does nothing about it is going to replace her with someone else dysfunctional. You’re better off not staying there.

    That said, it was nice of them to help you escape, and it sounds like you had the best support you could get in that process.

    Good luck in the new job. I hope your dad is one day able to get out of this relationship as well.

  51. CMart*

    The thing I love most about this update is that the OP didn’t have to wait for AAM (or Captain Awkward, or all of the supportive comments here) to take action. She mustered up all that fortitude to calmly say “no” in that meeting all by herself.

    Sometimes I think even the act of writing to an advice columnist helps shake out a lot of clarity. You know what you need to do. You know this isn’t right. You just need it spelled out in front of you. And it’s amazing that the internet response came right when OP needed the validation that she’d done the right thing.

    What a grand unfolding of events.

    3. Old Admin*

      That’s exactly what I thought, too!
      Just getting a letter to AAM written describing the horrible, unrealistic, so very not normal situation helped the OP to realize this was impossible to live with.

      I am amusing myself with the the fantasy of OP writing away at the letter late night, tired, browbeaten, confused…
      …then she rereads the letter for typos…sends it off…
      …realization dawns on her… and then (to quote a wonderful Captain Awkward comment) she stands up and says: “OH SWEET FANCY MOSES NO” and knows what to do!! :-D :-D

  52. Kelly White*

    Congratulations! You did awesome!!!
    I hope I could be like you if I was ever in an untenable situation!!!

  53. H.C.*

    Glad this update is a mostly positive one; best of luck on your new job & hope your Dad can mend his relationship with you.

  54. Cait*

    OP – I’m sorry you don’t have the dad you deserve.

    Congratulations on all the good news! This whole horrendous experience will make you stronger in the long run.

    Don’t second guess yourself with the Vice Chair and your coworkers. They will reach out to you directly if something is wrong but at this point, I think you can safely assume everything is perfectly fine. Your dad and Jill are just being manipulative a**holes and are lamely attempting to rewrite history. They are 100% wrong and you do not owe them anything, least of all valuable real estate in your head.

  55. animaniactoo*

    OP, the one message that I wish could be gotten to your dad out of all this is this: That he doesn’t need any outside validation TO Jill to have support that she is emotionally unstable. And he doesn’t need to convince Jill that she’s emotionally abusive in order to walk away from the relationship. And that the odds of him being able to convince Jill that she is emotionally abusive and her being able to change on any kind of timeline that is meaningful for his own life and relationships with other people are SOOOOOO slim that he really needs to treat it as if it’s not going to happen; and decide for himself how long he’s okay with it not happening.

    1. animaniactoo*

      (Oh, and that it is actually detrimental to go to counseling WITH someone who is emotionally abusive and that perhaps Dad might really find it useful to see a therapist, on his own, without Jill, and who has no ties to Jill or her therapist.)

    2. Hills to Die on*

      Dear dad, I hope you are reading this and that you find the courage to stand up for yourself. This is your CHILD you allowed to be treated this way. Do not allow Jill to do this to you as well. Go to your own therapist without Jill.

    3. Archaeopteryx*

      It can be harder sometimes for a man to get help escaping an abusive woman than the other way around, due to outside people taking it less seriously as well as internal rationalizations. My husband escaped his former abuser and you can too, OP’s dad. It’s not okay, you don’t deserve this, and you can get help. Don’t give up.

    4. Mayati*

      AND Jill is less likely to change if she has a partner who protects her from the consequences of her own misbehavior, especially if she’s misbehaving towards that partner. He’s not at fault for her abusing him, but if he continues to be in a relationship with her, he’s giving her zero incentive to change. Why stop abusing him when it works so well for her, and when confronting her own abusive traits and behaviors is haaaard?

  56. Kate R*

    I’ll admit that I was disappointed that the end of this sentence, “He said that while she’s done a lot for the foundation, she is absolutely impossible to work for”, wasn’t, “so he fired her.” And that the end of this sentence, “Dad begged me to do it the next morning (I guess because he would be leaving the house” wasn’t, ” to move into his own place because he was leaving her.)” But, I’m very happy you are getting to move on OP! They put you in such a terrible position. Here’s to bigger and better things!

    1. Traffic_Spiral*

      Yeah, but that’s life, isn’t it? Sometimes people let you down, but standing up for yourself is still the right choice.

  57. Ampersand*

    Holy cow, that’s what I call an update!
    Firstly, OP, huge congrats to you for taking control of your life. I’m so relieved and also proud of you! It’s amazing what becomes normal to us when we live it everyday. I bet each day at your new job will be like an awakening of how things should be. I wish you luck!

    I think your Dad is the one who needs therapy, alone. But that’s not your problem.

    And, I am not surprised your former company was supportive. They are lucky you aren’t suing them for the hostile work environment and also the sexual harassment via Jill. It’s puzzling that they take no responsibility. The next unlucky assistant might take them to court.

    Good luck!

  59. AyBeeCee*

    I was happy to see there was an update and even happier to see what you wrote! Good for you for sticking up for yourself in spite of the MASSIVE amounts of crazy.

  60. Nay*

    LOVE this update! So glad to hear you stood up for yourself, I’m sure it wasn’t easy, but things have a way of working out, and sounds like you’re starting a new and happy chapter of your life with support from mom and hubby!

  61. EmilyAnn*

    I am very happy for LW, and completely disgusted with Vice Chair. Jill’s leadership enables her horrible behavior. Everything the LW said should have gotten Jill fired, yet she remains. I’m glad LW is headed towards a bright future!

    1. Book Badger*

      Jill is the Chair – getting rid of her would require more than a unilateral decision by the Vice Chair.

  62. Nita*

    Congratulations OP!!! I’m so glad you stood up to Jill, and that things are looking up for you and your husband. I hope your dad can “break the spell” eventually. Seems like he knows Jill is no good for him, but there’s a big leap from realizing you’re in an abusive relationship, to actually walking away.

    I hope the fact that people who know Jill have seen this article will help them see her for what she is. One of these days she’ll really put her foot in something and even the foundation won’t want to keep her… too bad that day is not now, but hopefully soon.

  63. AKchic*

    I. Am. So. *Proud* of you.

    Congrats on getting out of there.
    On breaking away from the not right.
    On standing up for yourself (and your family)
    I wish you and your husband continued employment success.
    I wish your husband success with the immigration process.
    I hope your mother doesn’t deal with much contact from your father on behalf of his abuser and your former abuser/boss.
    I hope your dad is able to leave the relationship soon, and for good.

    I wish you continued luck and happiness.

    1. Detective Amy Santiago*

      P.S. LW’s mom, if you are reading this, SHUT THAT SHIT DOWN. You do not need to talk to your ex about your adult daughter’s professional life (or really anything since she is an adult).

    2. Old Admin*

      *reads AKchic’s succinct responce*
      This was so good I noticed somebody started cutting onions next to me. ;-)

  64. Oxford Comma*

    OP: I am so glad you got out of there and that you updated us. I’ve thought of you often. Best of luck to you!

  66. Murfle*

    Did anyone else feel an amazing burst of schadenfreude when OP described their dad sending that email titled “Um” with the original AAM letter as a link? I hope that dad scrolled further down the page and saw the commentariat’s collective reaction of “OMG, NO” to OP’s letter, and has seen said reaction as a sorely-needed wake-up call.

    OP’s dad, if you’re reading this, I hope you get out too, realize *why* what you did was toxic, and learn more about maintaining healthy boundaries.

    1. Tuxedo Cat*

      I would like to add on, as someone who dealt with my father’s girlfriend who was like Jill (but thankfully not my employer), that he shouldn’t expect things to go back to normal if/when he breaks up with Jill. That he needs to re-earn the OP’s trust and respect.

      OP, if you’re still reading this, I’m really happy for you and I hope you’ll heal the best you can from all this. I hope you can take some time to go to a therapist by yourself. I myself benefited immensely from one when I cut out my father and family. I’m not saying that’s the solution you should take, but it was useful for me to figure these things out in therapy.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I’d like to make an obvious statement, just to be totally clear for OP’s dad if he is still reading. AAM has MILLIONS of readers. I am sure CA has MILLIONS of readers. I am sure this story has been read all over the world. This is not a small thing here, OP’s Dad.

      Do the right thing here, OP’s Dad. Be a dad to your daughter while you still have time to do that.

      1. Courageous cat*

        Yep. Life is truly short. Not only be a dad to your daughter, but stop being in a relationship with this psycho – every second you’re with her is a second longer away from finding a *healthy* relationship.

    3. media monkey*

      i’m a bit worried what might happen to nice Vice Chair as there’s no way that Dad/ Jill won’t find out what he/she did!

  68. Elizabeth*

    I’ve been looking forward to this update since this saga was posted back in May and just about JUMPED out of my chair when I saw the headline!

    Biggest and most deserved congratulations to you! We’re all so happy to hear that the nightmare is finally over for you. I’m sorry to hear that you and your dad are currently not on speaking terms due to this. I do hope one day he emerges from the abuse as well, and realizes how important you are; he will regret losing you if he doesn’t.

    For now, we celebrate YOU! Very proud of your strength and determination. I wish we could all throw you a party, haha!

  69. IT But I Can't Fix Your Printer*

    OP, you are so amazing! You are clearly going to be amazingly successful once you’re no longer in that shitshow of a situation. I would be honored to work for/with you.

  71. The Tin Man*

    OP, I would like to shake your hand and buy you a drink.

    Of all the things to respond to here, “Dad kept calling and emailing, saying that…I should come over and explain to Jill that I resigned because she was emotionally abusive (he said he would protect me).” This alone is a sign that he is under Grima’s influence because in what corner of the Multiverse would this ever be a useful thing to do? Jill certainly doesn’t sound like the sort to have an epiphany of self-awareness because someone called her out on her behavior.

    1. NW Mossy*

      And also, Dad’s resume includes actively negative ‘accomplishments’ in the “shielding my daughter from the maelstrom that is Jill” department. He…. somewhat overstates his ability to be effective in this capacity.

      1. Annie Moose*

        ^^ THIS

        He sure hasn’t done a good job shielding LW up to this point, what would make her think he’d suddenly be able to do it now?? If she’d gone over there, it would’ve just been more abuse and yelling and bad treatment. Absolutely nothing good would have come of this and LW was smart to avoid that situation.

    2. LKW*

      I think it bears pointing out that if you have to “protect” someone you love from the person you are dating… you shouldn’t be dating that person. LW -your dad is truly in some kind of mystical place where he’s convinced himself all of this is normal.

    3. Heynonniemouse*

      Let’s be honest, Dad would basically be laying LW out at Jill’s feet like a half-chewed mouse and saying, “I brought you a gift, please yell at her now, not at me.”

  72. Matt*

    Very happy to hear you got out of this terrible position. I think this has to take the cake for “Worst Boss of the Year” hands down, as Jill not only made your professional life hell but sabotaged your parental relationship as well.

  73. NW Mossy*

    *vigorous applause*

    You did it, OP! And maybe even more importantly, you proved to yourself that you could do it and come out stronger on the other side. You took ownership of the parts that were in your control and let the rest of it fall as gravity dictates. This isn’t an easy thing to do, especially when you know that people you love aren’t coming with you on the journey.

    Best wishes to you and your husband on new jobs and a new stage in your life – you got there, under your own steam, despite all the obstacles in your way. Take a few moments to rest on those hard-earned laurels!

  74. Orchestral Musician*

    Nothing to add except that I’m so happy for you, OP. I’m really glad you found the support you needed from Alison and the commenters here.

  75. Susana*

    OP, of all the people I was so hoping would emerge victorious, you’re probably number one. I am so, so glad you are out of this dangerous situation. And I so admire your strength! Now if only your father could up-inherit some of your self-esteem and character…

  77. President Porpoise*

    I’m not positive that the vice chair deserves vilification in this letter. As others have pointed out, Jill is the Chair and outranks him. While he may be working with the board behind the scenes to get her fired, that can take time/luck/planning, and if I was working on confidential personnel oustering and an abused employee came forward to ask for advice, I wouldn’t hold the potential for the nightmare boss to be fired as incentive for the abused to stay (which, depending on board politics may o may not ever happen). I’d try to get them to a safe place as soon as possible by giving them good references, helping them offload/transition tasks, telling them it’s ok to quit effective immediately and cut this person off, etc.

    Vice Chair is taking a risk for OP by helping her escape such a bloody awful situation, because he’s essentially stomping his boss’s foot. While I wish that he could have said “OMG, let’s fire her now”, I know that realistically, that was probably all he could immediately do for OP, and probably more than was politically expedient.

    OP’s dad though… I find it interesting that a friend alerted him to this letter. I wonder if the friend saw Dad in the letter, and has noticed the issue, and is also working to help him find a way out of Jill’s clutches.

    OP, good for you. All the advice in the world won’t help someone who doesn’t have the guts to make a change in a bad situation, and this took major guts. Well done.

    1. Oof*

      Yes, exactly! I’ve been a few situations where I had to present one way to the aggrieved party, and then later go let off steam about what I would like to do exactly with very non work related friends. The wheels may grind slowly, but they do grind fine…

    2. The Toxic Avenger*

      Yes, very well put. If Jill does indeed outrank the Vice Chair, then the VC had his priorities straight: Get the OP the F*** OUTTA THERE, then deal with the endless political games of getting the chairperson kicked out…IF the Board ever summons the stones to kick her out.

      OP – I’m glad the VC was in your corner and it sounds like he did the best he could as fast as he could.

      However, Snark…I’m with you. I read that and my blood boiled at the unfairness of it.

    3. Bea*

      This is a good point.

      We often see people coaxed into stating places with “changes are in the works”,then they never get any better. Balls get dropped and keeping an employee who is suffering with lies of a better future if you just hang by your fingernails a little while longer is more grotesque.

      I think many of us (I sure did) forgot Jill is the chair, so naturally the Vice can’t just toss her out triumphantly.

    4. Cathy Gale*

      Thank you. It can be very difficult for the board, or other managers, to extricate a bully (and Jill is beyond your garden-variety bully), especially at the top of an organization and business. Linzava mentioned Weinstein, which I think is apt. Part of why it was so hard to get him out, after years of criminal behavior, was that he had created the firm and headed it.

    5. Courageous cat*

      Yeah! I haven’t seen many comments about the Vice Chair yet but good for him for helping her out and being supportive, if nothing else – I agree that that alone is hard enough when your boss is like this. Firing the head/chair/whatever of an organization is not a small feat.

  78. Granny K*

    Yay for the OP! (throwing confetti). I, however, am still stuck at “My husband and I left our apartment for a week and stayed with nearby relatives while things quieted down; we were worried Dad and Jill would come to our apartment.”

    For. A. Week.
    Just…wow.

    2. Gotta be anon*

      It does boggle the mind that Jill and OP Dad are so toxic that they made OP’s own home unsafe for a solid week. It was quite smart of them to retreat to relatives’ house, but it’s appalling that they had to do so in order to protect themselves.

  81. MassMatt*

    Congratulations OP, and thanks for a wonderful update. Good luck in your new position. I’m so glad that Alison’s site and the comments were helpful for you.

    My suggestion: It will probably take time to get the whole “Jill” nightmare out of your system, so be patient with yourself! One of the worst things about truly dysfunctional workplaces is that they damage your self esteem and make you question your sense of boundaries and right and wrong. This is doubly true for folks that have the unfortunate experience early in their careers. Over and over again we see people asking “is this (insert bizarre thing) normal?”, so it’s not just you, everyone gets their mind twisted by these awful things. Hopefully you will have better experiences in your current job and the whole “Jill” thing will recede.

    Best of luck to you!

  82. Sara without an H*

    OP, I’ve been thinking about you, and hoping you’d check back in. Congratulations! I don’t think I’ve ever enjoyed an update more. Hugs, and here’s to success in your new position!

  83. lyonite*

    Good job OP! I hope that in the future when you’re tempted not to trust your instincts, you can look back on this and remind yourself that they were completely right.

    As an aside, I have to wonder if an abusive person who claims to be a “therapy junkie” isn’t actually just someone who has learned that she can use the structure of therapy to facilitate her abuse.

  84. Forrest Rhodes*

    Way to go, OP, I’m very happy to read your update. In my neighborhood we would say, “You kicked a** and took names.” May you continue to do so, as appropriate!

  85. Former Borders Refugee*

    This is just the BEST UPDATE and I am SO GODDAMN PROUD OF YOU. When you deal with difficult people in the future, look at them and think “You aren’t Jill, you aren’t going to attempt to manipulate me into family freaking therapy, I can take you.”

    Because you can.

  87. Erin*

    I’m sorry to hear you’re not currently on speaking terms with your dad. But you obviously have a good head on your shoulders and a fantastic support system here and in “real life.”

    But I have to say that I LOVE IT when the people letter writers write in about see the letter. So fulfilling.

  88. 653-CXK*

    OP: I can’t add further to the wonderful responses and congratulations but for this: Karma is a patient mistress. Doesn’t matter whether Jill’s the chair or your father’s paramour, Karma will fix this situation right and proper, and finally Jill will get what she so richly deserves. The day she is escorted out of the building kicking and screaming and crying will be the day your long-suffering former co-workers no longer have to deal with a serious textbook case of psychotic rage bitch like that ever again.

  89. Marley*

    Wow. Good for you! Way to handle a terrible, crazy situation very well.

    I hope your dad comes around, and I wish you the best in your new job.

  91. Jenny*

    I am so proud and impressed!
    But I am a bit confused. That mail she sent among the many, was that her reaction to your aam letter? Did OP’s father tell Jill about it?

  92. Totally Minnie*

    OP, you are my hero! Imagine a whole string of gifs of confetti and dancing here. You deserve a party. When you and your husband are both settled into your new jobs, give yourselves the best date night ever. You’ve more than earned it!

    I’m sad that your dad is still trying to convince you to engage with Jill, but I’m so glad you’ve continued to shut him down and converted your mom to Team You. That’s huge. I’m hoping so many good things for your future, OP. You’ve definitely shown the determination and can-do spirit that will take you there.

  93. Batty Twerp*

    Update of the year!
    What a rollercoaster – I’m glad you’re well out of Jill’s reach, and I’m sorry your dad is still under her spell. (remember Theoden did break free, though)

  94. Abe Froman*

    My company is hiring an admin/client facing position right now, fully remote. Would totally get LW’s resume in the mix if she is interested. Glad things are going better!

  95. Amylou*

    What a wonderful update! I’m glad you are out and you can be proud of yourself for being staying so strong and level-headed during this situation. Sorry to hear about your father (the Theoden comparison is spot on) and wish you all the strength to deal with it and hope for better times.

    Good luck with the new job!

  96. Michaela Westen*

    Tears of happiness for you! And in awe of how strong you are and how well you handled this! I would have run away screaming ages ago.

  97. Wendy Darling*

    1. Gurl holy shit wtf.

    2. YOU DID SO GOOD YOU ARE A TOTAL BADASS YAY YOU. Seriously you did an awesome job with that shit, mad props, you deserve a damn medal.

  98. The Toxic Avenger*

    OP – I am so happy for you, and full of admiration and relief. I have been thinking of this letter a lot since it was published, and I agree with what Princess Consuela said above: this is the epic update of the year.

  99. El Esteban*

    Congrats, OP, on getting away from a very bad situation. I hope that Jill’s identification as a “therapy junkie” (ugh) doesn’t turn you off of psychological counseling altogether. It can be very helpful when you find a (one-on-one) therapist you can really click with. Given what you’ve been through (and what you’re still going through with your father), I hope you and can get a job with good benefits so you can take care of yourself.

  100. Secretary*

    “!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

    ^^This is how I felt the moment I saw the title. OP I’m so happy for you! I was waving my arms and bouncing up and down in my chair. This is the best update in the history of this site.

    **Celebrates**

    1. Old Admin*

      I can understand that reaction.
      I saw the update come in just before I had to leave on an appointment, but a quick skim gave a warm glow of expectation and happiness. I later reread the original post and this update quietly smiling with the occasional giggle and lots and lots of admiration.

      Also, Dear OP’s Dad:
      You did your daughter a great injustice. You will have a lot of apologizing to do.
      Don’t be surprised if she breaks off contact with you for good. That might actually be the best for both of you.

  101. Wandering Anon*

    Wow! Good for you! I was concerned about how this whole situation would turn out. It’s really hard to extract yourself from a such a complicated situation, and you did it really well. Congratulations!

  102. Lumen*

    *turns up some triumphant disco like I’M COMIN’ OUT*

    *turns up some righteous-babe tunes like I’VE GOT THE POWER*

    *turns up some Destiny’s Child like SURVIVOR*

    *joins the confetti party in celebration of OP*

    I am SO THRILLED for you, OP! I am so happy that you saw the comments here and read Captain Awkward’s additional response. I’m so glad it helped. I’m in awe that you were able to empower yourself and be so strong even before seeing it all. You should feel great about yourself, because what you’ve been through is REALLY beyond the pale, and you have handled it with incredible grace and power.

    And yes, all three of those songs burst into my head as I read your update. You ROCK.

  103. miyeritari*

    HORRAY!!! YOU MADE IT OP!!! YOU’RE OUT!! CONGRATULATIONS!!!

    you were so strong!! i’m so proud of you!!

  104. OperaArt*

    Wow!! You handled it beautifully.
    I’m also glad you had support from friends, and to place to hide for a week.

  105. Linzava*

    What really jumped out at me when reading this awesome update, was how many things were planed in strategic ways by so many people, almost as a protective wall between OP and her boss. The OP did nothing wrong, but she has to do it this way with these words when the clock strikes this time.

    For so many people to coordinate like the marines pulling out a POW from hostile territory, just wow. We, society, need to stop empowering these personalities the point that they’re as powerful as this boss clearly is. I say clearly, because only a powerful person would still have a job after treating someone like this. This boss reminded me so much of Harvey Weinstein.

    Good for you OP, you have showed tremendous strength, especially considering people with more influence in this situation didn’t have the guts to do what you did. You did the right thing even though you were being threatened with personal loss. That’s a hero.

    1. misspiggy*

      That’s such a good point. It seems people like the Vice Chair often want to retain the abilities of Jill-types. It’s very useful to have someone who can abuse and manipulate others in pursuit of the organisation’s goals.

      Many people will work hard to keep abusers on their team as long as possible, before the fallout is so great that the abuser is universally shunned and can thus no longer be effective.

  107. No Name*

    I have nothing of substance to add. I just wanted to say how happy I am for you that you got out of that situation. Leaving what you know, even if if it’s horrible, can be terrifying. You should be very proud of yourself.

  108. Not So NewReader*

    OP, you will go a long ways before you find something this difficult again in life or in work.

    It will not be long and you will realize you have above average strength. It takes strength to work with a Fool [substitute Other Words here] like Jill. And it takes even more strength to break away from a person like this.

    It won’t be long and you will be watching people struggle with this or that and you will realize, “Wait. I am not having struggles like that. I am making decisions and living my life.” That is because you are very strong.

    I hope you print out all the comments from your posts and put them in a binder. Keep the binder to look back at. It’s very moving when a bunch of people rally behind on person and cheer them on. You have something very special that you will always be able to keep, you have an extremely large group of people cheering for your success in life.
    You sound like a very nice person. I am sure you have a very rich, meaningful life ahead of you.

  109. cdm322*

    I am very happy for you!! You made it! Can we include this in the worst boss list of 2018 like AAM does every year?

  110. Cathy Gale*

    Congratulations! You should be so proud of yourself, and feel so good that you handled this like a professional in every way!

    Hang in there as far as your dad. Don’t ever blame yourself for the choice he made. That may even be harder than putting Jill completely in the rear view mirror.

    Thank you also for sharing this with us. Your letter will help other people who are confronted by a “Jill” – maybe someone just like your dad might even recognize him- or herself. Please accept my Jedi hug!

    1. Jean (just Jean)*

      Excellent point! Tales of courage do indeed help others to be brave in their own scary situations.
      OP, a salute of gratitude to you for your example of fortitude.

  111. fogharty*

    So very happy for you!

    “Jill said, ‘Are you telling me you’re not going to finish the book?’”

    I hope her publisher reads AAM and discovers the book she is “writing” about being a non-white female in this day and age was actually being written by a middle-aged white man (your dad). I think her contract would go straight to the shredder.

  113. Suzy Q*

    What a wonderful update! Thank you for including so many details, too. You handled this hideous situation with grace and class, not to mention poise. All the best to you in the future.

  114. Thany*

    This update had me in tears. I could read the desperation in your last letter and I was so worried about your current situation. But you absolutely turned it around, and I AM SO HAPPY for you!!! Congrats for getting yourself out of a horrible situation!! And good luck on the new job!

  115. Panda Bandit*

    Congratulations!!!! LW, you are amazing!! You faced a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad situation and you handled it like a ROCKSTAR. A toast and my best wishes to you. :)

  116. LawBee*

    This is fantastic! I am so proud of you!

    ” I blocked Jill on both my emails and on my cell phone. ” <—– KEY STEP. This and disappearing for a week probably saved your sanity.

    ::applause::

  117. RavenHawk*

    For those wondering why Jill wasn’t the one fired, when she clearly needed to be:
    I spent almost 10 years at a nonprofit where one of the original employees was retained despite the fact she constantly drove away volunteers and even other staff members for longer than I was there. Nonprofit organizations often have a very odd relationship to founding employees, no matter how toxic they are. I saw this woman not only drive away excellent interns and volunteers year after year, but get to the point where she felt empowered to neglect her basic duties. And yet when the COO and head of another department finally met to discuss the problem with her, she was able to negotiate fewer hours, the same salary, and keep her office (the rest of us were stuffed 4 people to an office), thanks to her “legacy.”
    She was finally fired, many years too late, and after far too many chances to fix her behavior. But the damage was done, and we lost far more than we retained.

  118. bluephone*

    Since OP’s dad found about the first letter, he’s probably been keeping tabs here for any updates. So here’s a message to OP’s dad:

    Every day you DON’T dump Jill AND every day you keep NOT TALKING TO YOUR OWN DAUGHTER WHOM JILL HORRIBLY EXPLOITED is another brick in the WorstDadEver wall.

    This Internet stranger is judging the Hades out of you and you’re honestly worse than Theoden-under-a-spell, Denethor, Darth Vader, the dad in DW Griffith’s silent film Broken Blossums, Daniel Plainview, Tywin Lannister, and Peter Quill’s bio dad. For one thing, they’re fictional characters whose actions necessitated plot advancements. For another, there doesn’t need to be another reason. You’re a bad dad. Maybe stop doing that?
    IDK, that’s what would I do if it were my kid (but I wouldn’t even let it get to that point because…I don’t want to be a bad parent!)

    1. Jaybeetee*

      I get what you’re doing, but Guilt and Shame and Judgment are generally bad moves to make when someone is being abused. He’s probably getting tons of Guilt and Shame and Judgment at home already (for the wrong reasons).

      For OP’s Dad: I was there once too, and it’s hard. You don’t want to believe it. You want a reason for it, you want to think that if you say and do the right things, and your daughter says and does the right things, and if the therapy works, and if if if… then Jill will be that awesome woman you fell in love with again, and all the fighting will stop. You love her, she’s awesome when she’s awesome, and you’re still looking for a way to Make It Work.

      It’s not going to stop. It’s not going to get better. This IS the “real Jill” – not the woman you first met and fell for.

      Ask yourself if she’s worth your daughter.

      1. boop the first*

        And do it while it’s still fresh!
        Sometimes people become hardened, and if enough time passes, that family member may never come back, even after you’ve split from the abusive person. 20+ years is way too long.

        1. Khlovia*

          Yep. Daddy Dearest, don’t let this narrow launch window close on you. If you fail to squirm free before much more time has passed, then there is a very high probability that the best future you can hope for with your daughter will be cool civility. And even that much will be sheer charity on her part. Remember, you did your very best to damage her greatly, for the sake of a worthless person and your cowardice.

  120. Jaybeetee*

    Yay to this update! Way to go standing up for yourself.

    It’s sad, but you’re doing the right thing at the moment regarding your dad. He’s gotta work through this, and you can’t be a part of it.

    Good luck with the new job, I hope it works out WAY better than the last one!

  122. wondrous*

    I’ve only just started commenting here, but this is the story that introduced me to AAM and got me reading regularly. I’m so, so, so, so happy that you updated everyone! OP, you truly rock, you did such an incredible job managing this absolutely beyond the pale situation, and I’m so glad that you are safe, secure and on your way to much, much better things. All the best of luck, and I hope that someday in the future things with your dad are able to get to a place you’re happy with again (all while keeping your very, very sane and healthy boundaries about…all of this).

    Everyone here (and probably all over the internet at this point) is rooting for you!

  123. Comms Girl*

    I’m extremely happy to know you got out of that horrible situation, OP! This was the good update we were all waiting and hoping for (even though the journey there was an emotional rollercoaster, and I’m sorry you still had to put up with all of Jill’s BS in the meantime). It’s also terrific to know your co-workers and Vice-Chair had your back. Hopefully that will also make them rethink whether it’s worth keeping such a toxic person around, who will undoubtedly keep harassing other employees.

    All the luck in the world with your new job – and go get that well-deserved massage :)

  124. Amelia Pond*

    This makes me so happy! Although obviously not the part with your dad. I know how hard that one is and since you’re obviously a very strong person. For me, it’s a break that can’t be mended but that’s not the same for everyone. Speaking of Captain Awkward, she’s a great resource for if you ever do want to try and re-establish contact with your dad (though I think a breather is a good thing) in a way that’s safe *for you* and how. Even if it’s just in small doses. She’s so amazing and I eventually recommend her to everyone.

    You’re awesome, LW, and don’t forget it!

  126. Lisa B*

    OP, I am so proud of you!!! What a fantastic update! This situation STUNK, but you will never face another more difficult challenge in your work life. Any meeting you could possibly be nervous about will be a piece of cake compared to what you had to muscle through here. Thank Jill (mentally) for teaching you how to handle adversity and now you get to never think of her again. You rock. :)

  127. Goya de la Mancha*

    OP – I am SO happy that you are out of that toxic work situation, but so deeply hurt for you that your dad is choosing this path.

    Always remember you are a bad ass and no one can take that away from you! Not even your dad’s crazy (and hopefully eventually EX) girlfriend.

    Also – it angers me more than quite a bit that the foundation keeps Jill on even knowing her behavior! She might have done a lot for them, but is that what you want your group to be known for???!

  129. Coleen*

    This was a great update to read! So happy that things are better for you and I’m sorry you went through all of this. But you have emerged a strong and confident butterfly! Can we all just agree that Jill should win 2018’s Worst Boss award?

  131. a lady named pancake*

    The Grima Wormtongue thing rubs me the wrong way – as if the LW’s father isn’t complicit in this and aware of the how crappy they’re treating the LW. He is. And as much as it is terrible to hear, I really think that if LW’s father ends his relationship with Grima, he should still be avoided at all costs and is never to be trusted again.

  132. Barefoot Librarian*

    Good. For. You!

    I’ve been in an abusive work environment AND an abusive marriage. They aren’t that different when you get down to it, and they are both very, very hard to extract yourself from. You should be proud. It takes a strong person to do what you’ve done. You deserve better than this.

Comments are closed.