weekend free-for-all -September 1-2, 2018

by Alison Green on September 1, 2018

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: Having finished Crazy Rich Asians, I’m now on to the second in the series, China Rich Girlfriend. It’s throwing off all my norms for decadence.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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{ 1,235 comments }

{ 1,235 comments… read them below }

  1. Cristina in England (visiting Scotland)*

    Mint tea lovers:
    I was in a fantastic tea shop a couple of weeks ago and asked the person “why is spearmint tea so hard to find? I only see it in health food shops.” He told me that Moroccan Mint tea IS Spearmint tea! I had no idea. Bought a big bag. I’ve also seen it as Nana Mint. Anyway, I’m going to make some later, whatever it’s called.

    1. Ms Cappuccino*

      Yes spearmint is the regular mint you find in supermarkets in the UK. I make my own spearmint tea at home.

      1. Cristina in England*

        Hm… I usually buy tea that is labeled Peppermint, but I will look out for just “Mint”, thanks!

    2. DrTheLiz*

      YESSSSS someone who understands! Peppermint tea is inferior! My understanding is that “Moroccan Mint” is spearmint with green tea (also delicious), but “nana mint” is just the Arabic (and I think Hebrew) for the plant we call “spearmint”. I, too, find it very difficult to source.

      1. Cristina in England*

        My understanding prior to that conversation was that Moroccan Mint was always what you said: mint blended with green tea. The one I bought at that shop was pure spearmint but I suppose I will have to keep an eye on the label since I like all-mint most of the time.

        1. Ann O.*

          Moroccan mint tea should refer to gunpowder tea and spearmint, but companies are fast and loose with their labeling in my experience. (well, real IMHO, real Moroccan mint tea should be brewed fresh with a lot of sugar)

          I can confirm that nana is Arabic for mint. I’m not actually sure if it’s mint in general or spearmint specifically.

      2. Specialk9*

        THAT’S why I hate Moroccan mint tea! I assumed it was the green tea. (I hate spearmint and adore peppermint. I’m a mint taster of extremes.)

        1. yeslets*

          Do you also dislike cilantro by any chance? I hate spearmint and cilantro (and Japanese shiso). They don’t necessarily taste the same, but they all make me gag in the same way.

    3. Lcsa99*

      You know it’s also easy to do your own tea. Especially if you just want something straightforward like mint. Just buy the dried leaves in bulk, and you can buy bags that you can just tie up once you fill them. I made several flavors as Christmas gifts last year and it was so easy!

        1. Lcsa99*

          You can probably use more if you use dry leaves so it’s easier to make a stronger tea. I think fresh would give a more delicate flavor. Dry would also last longer if you have to store that and don’t just have a mint plant.

      1. Merci Dee*

        I love Constant Comment. I always have a supply of that at work. I can get a cup brewing, and it’s not ruined if I get pulled away from my desk for 10 or 15 minutes. Some teas are just undrinkable if they’re stewed like that, but Constant Comment stays smooth and delicious no matter what.

        1. Specialk9*

          It really is a great tea. My dad loves tea, especially Earl Grey and Constant Comment (and now PGTips). I desperately wanted to love his teas too, but as a kid I tasted bergamot – and cilantro – as soap. So Constant Comment was our thing. I was so stoked when my taste buds changed (which is not supposed to be how that works) and suddenly as a teen I loved both cilantro and bergamot, with passion. It doesn’t even remotely taste like soap now. But I still love Constant Comment!

          1. Specialk9*

            Have you tried Stash Earl Grey? It’s more of Lady Grey than Earl, in taste – more of the purple flower Earl Grey, but I love it.

            1. Merci Dee*

              Stash makes my second favorite tea for work – the Spice Dragon Red Chai. It’s a rooibos with cinnamon, clove, and ginger root. Rooibos is still pretty new to me, but I’ve been enjoying it so far.

          2. Minta*

            F&M is my favorite Earl Grey, too. I like that it’s straightforward and classic. I don’t like the EGs that have that touch of barnyard funk–kind of like a puerh flavor.

            Stash makes my favorite bagged green tea. I think it’s their Pemium Green Tea.

            1. Anonymosity*

              I’ll have to try that Stash stuff.

              OMG F&M Earl Grey smells so GOOOOOOOOOOOD. You can get their teas at Williams-Sonoma stores, and my mum keeps buying it for me, which is nice but also annoying, as I will NEVER drink it all! Plus, I like to top up my tin when I go to London. I wish I could do it later this year–winter’s the only time I haven’t been.

              I love F&M because it’s a very nice posh store but yet I can afford stuff there, and the clerks are not snobby at all. The candy counter is divine and they have the cutest little ice-cream parlor upstairs.

    5. Chaordic One*

      In the countryside near my house there are a lot of wild mint plants. It is always pleasant to walk by them and smell the fragrance. I suppose that you could pick some plants, dry the leaves and make tea out of it.

  2. Ruth (UK)*

    I was recently was thinking about how people’s perception of another person’s age is more than just how they ‘look’ / their base physical appearance and looking young or old can be caused by lots of things including how they dress, act, talk etc.

    So, I’m 28 and I would say generally, I look a little bit younger than I am, but not much. I’m a small person with small features (which adds to it) and I also have good skin etc. People generally guess me at 23-25. Add that people usually err on the side of guessing too young (it’s safer as people consider it a compliment to guess young and an insult to guess old) and actually, day to day, I probably look about my age.

    However, sometimes people guess me WAY younger. That’s when I perform folk dancing, often at festivals etc. Then, I’m dressed with kit with ribbons etc and I like to do my hair in pigtails or high bunches, with more ribbons. I recently acquired a rainbow headband. (On normal days, I usually wear a low ponytail). I am often in a good/happy mood and act playful/bubbly/silly etc. A couple within the group I’m part of have ‘adopted’ me as their ‘daughter’ (within the group) and will often introduce themselves as my parents to members of the public who have no reason to believe they’re not (they’re old enough to be [young] parents of me). I think this makes people even more likely to mentally put my age down in their minds. In this situation I am regularly perceived to be 18-21 or so.

    Recently at such a festival I was talking to a teen who, during conversation, asked me about my piercings [5 in one ear, 3 in the other] and my parents’ reaction / permission. I said “well, they don’t really care and anyway, I didn’t get my first one until I was 24 so it wasn’t really their decision”
    “What – how old are you?!”
    “28”
    “oh. I thought you were like my age”
    “how old are you?”
    “15. Are you REALLY 28?”

    I ended up with a badge announcing my age as 12 at some point. A guy on a tea stall peered at me suspiciously – “you’re not really 12 are you?” – interesting that he needed to ask. His tone said he didn’t really quite believe it but… he wasn’t totally sure!

    And eating tea and cake later, I ended up chatting to some other random members of public. They asked if I was a uni student. “No, I graduated in 2012”
    Again, we had the “wait, how old are you?” question.

    They asked me, “does it cause problems for you, looking so young?” – they expanded saying they had thought I was maybe in the range of 18-21 and wondered if it caused me problems of not being taken seriously eg. when applying for jobs etc.

    I said that actually, when I take out the hair and stop dancing around and acting a bit silly, people tend to be a lot more accurate with their perception of my age.

    And another thing I thought of: at a volunteer project where I am a leader, some time a few months ago one of those “how old do you think [x] is” conversations came up (most volunteers are uni students and/or young 20s). Interestingly, they consistently guessed me in the early 30s – so older than I actually am, and were surprised the opposite way. When people know me only in my capacity as a project leader, and meet me in a hairnet and apron, people perceive me to actually be older than I am.

    Anyway to sum up, I found this in interesting to think about. People often say about how someone looks old/young for their age etc, but just like how you behave changes depending on whether you’re with your parents, workmates, friends, strangers etc, it’s interesting how not just how you behave but your actual perceived age can change in different situations, suggesting that people ‘looking’ young or old relies a lot more on how we behave (for example) as opposed to just our base physical appearance.

    I also wonder if others have similar experiences of being perceived different ages depending on the situation.

    1. The RO-Cat*

      I had a similar experience just recently. A work acquaintance, whom I see 2 – 3 times a year in person, was shocked to find out I’ll be 51 this autumn. She guessed me at about 42 – 43. If I look in the mirror the signs are there, my body is sincere. While in my professional capacity, I’m placed in the correct age bracket. Only when I allow me to be myself does this age gap (between real and percieved age) appear, so I’d guess behavior and clothing do have an impact (then again I can be quite childish sometimes, so…).

      1. No Tribble At All*

        Ruth, I agree that behavior affects how people see your age. One of my coworkers comes to me for advice and said he always forgets that I’m younger than he is. Not only did I help train him, I’m a married, settled-down type while he moved into the city to go out to the clubs more often. (I’m 24, he’s 27. Yes, I know it’s not a big age gap.) I guess I just act old? Let’s pretend by “old” we mean “mature and responsible”

        Ro-Cat, you’re only as old as you feel!

      2. PhyllisB*

        I used to work for the phone company, and was sitting in the break room with an 18 year old who was making a comment about an “old lady” who was all of 24. I started laughing and said I would hardly consider 24 as “old” since I was 28. She got all round-eyed, and said she thought I was her age.

    2. TL -*

      I constantly get read as very early to mid twenties, and I’m nearly 30. The older I get, the more surprised people are when I say my age – I get “No way!” or “Really?!” a lot.
      I actually think it caused a little bit of tension with some of my professors, because they were thinking of me as 22/23 like a number of kids in my program and I definitely act a lot closer to 30 confidence-wise and professionally. Once I clarified a few times that I was in my late twenties, things got a lot smoother.

      I have a really intense face and a fair amount of confidence – my friend recently sent me an article on BDE* and was like, “This is you. You have BDE.” and literally everyone I know laughed and agreed with her. So not sure why I get read as young, except I’m generally in a good mood and pretty friendly, but I do.

      *big d*ck energy.

      1. Specialk9*

        I’m 40 and people are convinced I’m young 20s, even people of that age, but I don’t really find that flattering. I’m an expert in my field, and I don’t really care about whether I seem forkable to random dudes (hubby excepted), so… But absolutely, wearing casual clothes vs a sheath dress makes me look younger. Bright colors vs dark. Pigtails vs hair down. Etc.

    3. WS*

      Because I’m tall and fat, I was perceived as much older than my real age as a kid – sexual harassment on the street while wearing my primary school uniform was not much fun! But once I got to about 25, my chubby cheeks have had people put me as much as 10 years younger than my real age. I’m in my 40s now and I started getting a few grey hairs, so I was hopeful that would give me some age and authority…but I only grew about 3 of them, so it’s not helping yet!

      1. Wendy Darling*

        I am medium to tall and fat and now I’m 36 with baby cheeks and magically no wrinkles but a big ol’ shock of gray hair up front. No one has any damn idea how old I am because my face is mid-20s but my hair is mid-40s. Fortunately I read solidly as An Adult so I kinda don’t care how old they think I am.

      2. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

        People regularly think I’m in my 30s or even mid-20s, but I’m 43, soon to be 44! I attribute this to being fat in some ways (more filling for my wrinkles, I guess) but most of the women in my family look a bit young for their age. My Grandma didn’t start turning grey until she was in her 70s, my Mom is in her late 60s and still doesn’t have any grey hair, and fewer wrinkles than you’d expect for someone who was a sun worshipper and a smoker for many years. The fact that we wear casual outdoor gear at work probably adds to this. If I were coming to work in business clothing with my hair styled I’d probably appear older, but wearing jeans, a pony tail, and a scruffy baseball cap every day enhances the youthful effect.

        However I also think that I read as younger because I’m insecure about my job performance and have a bad habit of talking about it at work. It’s a lingering effect of the intense feelings of failure and incompetence I developed during my PhD study, which also put me behind my peers by about 10 years in terms of work experience and skills. It sucks, and I’m trying to work on curbing the urge to seek reassurance from my colleagues, but I still do it all the time.

    4. Red Reader*

      A couple years back, my daily neighborhood stroll – usually done in jeans and a hoodie at the time, around 3:30 which was both my work ending time (I work from home) and the time all the neighborhood school buses unload – was interrupted by a very nice young lady who had seen me walking around.

      My Facebook post at the time:
      Today, while I was on my walk, I had the following exchange with a young lady (looked to be about high school aged) getting out of her mom’s car:

      Her: “We’ve seen you around the neighborhood, have you lived here long?”
      Me: “We moved in about … six months ago, maybe?”
      Her: “Oh, which school do you go to?”
      Me: *pause*
      Her: “Because we have a youth group at our church for high schoolers, fifteen to eighteen, if you’d be interested.”
      Me: *pause*
      Her: “I can get you the information?”
      Me: “Well, uh, I really appreciate the thought, but um … I’m 35?”
      (Her mom muffles a laugh.)
      Her: “…. Oh. Well, that would explain why I haven’t seen you around school.”
      Me: “Thanks for the thought though! You guys have a nice afternoon!”

      I don’t think people who have seen me have ever guessed me as older than I am (except my nephew, who at four guessed I was 62, but I figure that’s a different situation than you mean), but my presentation can and does apparently range widely from my actual age to 10+ years younger, and the usual guess is 26-30. I’ll be 38 in December. I also come from a long line of folks who live forever and never show it; my great gran was 104 when she died, gran was 93, daddy is 70 and looks to be going on his mid-50s.

    5. The Other Dawn*

      I was always perceived as much older. Mostly because I was almost 5’11” when I was starting high school, but I think it’s also because my youngest sibling is 12 years older than me, so my family is much older. I was always the one hanging out with the adults when the kids (my niece and nephew, who aren’t much younger than me) were playing. Also, my best friend is at least three years older than me so I tended to hang out with her friends. I was always mature for my age.

      When I was 13 I went to the pub & cinema (long defunct unfortunately–I miss that place) with my best friend and we both ordered daiquiris along with our popcorn and candy. We assumed they knew we meant “virgin” since we were 13 and 16. They brought me one with alcohol and didn’t card me, but brought my older friend a virgin daiquiri.

      And when I was 13 I had people asking me if I was pregnant. I was already overweight, but was starting to gain more by that time. Plus I looked older.

      1. SpiderLadyCEO*

        I’m also very tall (5’10) so I was perceived as older when I was younger, but now that I’m closer to 30, I’m getting pegged down a lot. I have really awful skin, no matter what I do, so I’ve been asked which high school I attend, as well as the much more reasonable which college.

        It cracks me up! I have found if I’m in jeans + hoodie, they age me down, whereas lipstick plus dress they are more able to correctly peg my age.

        I

    6. Jack Be Nimble*

      I’m 23 and people usually read me older (27 or 28). I’ve been pretty consistently read as 4-5 years older since I was 10 or 11 (I hit my growth spurt very early), but a couple weeks ago, I was mistaken twice in one day for a recent highschool grad/college freshman. I’ve literally never had someone guess younger before.

      1. nws2002*

        This is what happened to me when I hit 30. I was always told I looked older than I was when I was in high school and college but now its younger, like I haven’t aged. I’m 34 now and frequently get carded and told I look like I’m in my mid-20s.

    7. Les G*

      I would say 90% of the time folks who think they look unusually young for their age are doing that thing we all do where we assume that a fairly universal experience is unique to us. I always have to laugh when a 30 year old marvels at being mistaken for a 25 year old, for example. The way the human body works is that after puberty physical differences between people close in age are *way* less pronounced. Like, way less. It’s that simple.

      1. Alianora*

        Agreed. Plus, the tendency Ruth mentioned to guess younger is very, very common. Physical appearance doesn’t factor much into my estimates of other people’s ages. It’s more of a behavior/life stage thing.

        1. Specialk9*

          I found that moving from the South to up North made a big difference in my estimate of female ages. Much lighter makeup up North means I underestimate ages by a lot. I would have thought the opposite but apparently not.

          1. PhyllisB*

            That’s funny about the make-up. I don’t wear heavy make-up, but when I do, I always have to ask for my senior discount. (Have even been carded for it!!) If I don’t have on make-up I get it without asking. :-)
            Note: I didn’t mean when I wear heavy make-up; I don’t ever do that. (It works for some folks, but not me.) I meant just make-up vs. no make-up.

    8. Overeducated*

      I got mistaken for younger reliably in professional contexts until around when I had a baby and finished my PhD. I really hope that catching up to “looking my age” is more a matter of professional advancement than rapid, stress induced aging….

    9. Younger*

      I generally read as younger in my 20s. Then I got braces as an adult and I really got read as younger! I got carded for something limited to 14 and above! Even post-braces, I was regularly carded in Vegas and at bars until my mid-30s.

      I’m now 46. People still seem to think I’m younger, but age doesn’t come up nearly as much in conversations so I’m not sure how prevalent the impression is.

    10. Wren*

      Funny this is a topic of conversation with the book recommendation this week. Google Kevin Kwan, the author. I thought he was at least a generation younger.

    11. Tiff*

      I take age guesses with a grain of salt because I am atrocious at guessing ages.

      When I was co-oping in college people mistook me for the manager, now that I am older I have people sometimes mistaking me for a recent graduate. Once someone thought I was the wife of my 55 year old boss – I was 25 at the time!

      I have no skill at guessing how old someone is… I would be useless in a police investigation. My age guess would either be under 30, 30-60, and over 60.

    12. Even keel*

      I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. I’m 27 and often get mistaken for 20-22 by strangers. Part of this is because my husband also has young face, so as a pair we look underage. We frequent bars and our servers are always surprised when they check our IDs.

      People that know me perceive me as much more mature than my age suggests. I’ve always been the level headed one that has her shit together. Lately I’ve been thinking about the concept of “acting my age” and what that even means.

      1. RockyRoad*

        People have been telling me I have an “old soul” since I was a kid. Not sure if it’s a reference to my love of historical things or if I just seem mature compared to how old I look.

        Does “act your age” have to do with levels of responsibility? Like, a high schooler’s parents will probably handle all of their health care and doctor issues. In college, you’re expected to start handling it on your own with support from others (like your parents or college resources). By the time you’re 25, you should be able to handle your own doctor appointments and health insurance. If you’re still relying on your mom to schedule your dentist appointment by then you’re not acting your age.

        1. Ann O'Neamus*

          I still really wish someone else would do my adulting, including making appointments for me! (I’ll be 60 within a year.)

    13. RockyRoad*

      I’m in my late twenties and get mistaken for someone in my teens/early twenties. I think it’s because I’ve very petite and upbeat.

      The most embarrassing incident happened a few years ago when a guy at work I’d never met before stopped me in a hallway to ask how old I was. When I told them they were shocked because they thought I was 15 and doing an internship “this whole time” (the year I’d been working there so far). Seriously–are there 15 year olds that do full time internships at large corporations? It seemed rude that a stranger would stop me in a hallway just to ask my age and then proceed to make a big deal out of it.

      I’ve read the advice that when you get asked your age a lot you should give an obviously ridiculous number (like I could say 73). I think I’m going to start doing it when people ask me out of the blue.

      1. Specialk9*

        I feel like the difference between 2 and 8 is big, and 12 and 18 is big, but 22 and 28 really isn’t. After childhood, being mistaken for someone at the early end of a decade when one is on the later end of a decade seems like it’s within the plus or minus range.

      2. PhyllisB*

        Rocky, I like the idea of giving a ridiculous answer to the age question. I have an 8 year-old grandson who is small for his age. People are always asking him how old he is, and when he answers, they always say, “Really!!! I thought you were 4 or 5!!” (Just what an 8 year old wants to hear!!) I’m thinking about telling him next time someone asks him that to say he’s 13 just to see their reaction.

    14. Youthful*

      I’m also 28 and get my age mistaken all the time. I’ve literally looked the same since I was a freshman in high school. That was a problem back then as everyone thought I was unintelligent because they assumed I was a super senior who just didn’t get school. It’s still a little irritating people assume I’m younger just by looking at me. Once people talk to me, everyone tells me I act older than think. And it’s because I’m actually older. Oh well. I try and take it as a compliment that I will always look youthful.

    15. Lissa*

      I used to think I looked really young for age, but the Internet has taught me that nearly everybody thinks they look young for their age/get pegged as much younger than they are, so now I wonder if I really do. I mean, just looking at this thread, the vast majority of people replying are saying they look young. I think perhaps maybe it’s that people in general are really bad at guessing ages and are more likely to speak up if the person looks much younger than they assumed? Or the other possibility is that we have a mental picture of age 30, say, but most people at age 30 actually look younger than that perception in our mind?

      I mean, I have this thing where any time I see somebody I used to go to high school with I’m convinced they look so much older than I do, but I think part of that is my brain telling me they’re older because they have kids and look professional/polished.

      (and in case anyone is getting offended I’m sure there are really some people who do look super young for their age, so just imagine I mean you!)

      1. MissDisplaced*

        I believe there is truth in that. And honestly people between say 35-50 could go either way in most cases.
        But it is also true that I have seen quite a few people who look prematurely OLD. Sometimes it’s hair, clothes or makeup, but it’s also attitude and willingness to learn.
        My mom was a good example of someone what acted prematurely OLD. She never wanted to do anything, learn anything or expand her life. She often dressed like an old lady when she was only 30. I don’t get this, but she was definitely from a different generation. Maybe acting old was expected?
        But don’t get me wrong, I also hate to see middle age people trying to look/act like a 21 year old too. I also see women like that (well mostly women, but I’ve also seen men try to do same).

      2. LJay*

        I wonder if sitcoms and TV shows in general have contributed to us thinking that people that are a certain age look older than they actually are, because we see supposedly teenage and early 20s characters being played by people who are in their 30s, etc.

        (All ages in this are rough).

        Like, in Friends, they were supposed to be in their early/mid twenties when they started the show, but Courteney Cox was 30 when she auditioned, Jennifer Aniston was 25, Lisa Kudrow was 31, Matt LaBlanc was 27, Matthew Perry was 25, and David Schwimmer was 28. So by the time the episode where they all turn 30 aired in season 7, half of them were closer to 40 than 30.

        In the second episode of that 70s Show, Eric is supposed to be turning 17. Topher Grace who played him was 20. Mila Kunis was actually 14/15 when she auditioned. Ashton Kutcher was 20. Danny Masterson was 22. Laura Prepon and Wilmer Valderamma were 18.

        In season 6, Eric is supposedly turning 18. Grace is 25, Kunis is 20, Kutcher is 25, Masterson is 27, Prepon and Valderamma are both 23.

        I really think this is one of the factors that has my perception of what people who are a certain age look like rather mis-calibrated.

          1. Julia*

            Mean Girls had a 30-year-old play a high schooler. But yeah, Glee – and actually most teen shows – was pretty bad about age-appropriate casting.

            1. Curly sue*

              A lot of the time shows deliberately cast over-18s to play teen roles to avoid regulations for working with child actors (school time, breaks, etc.)

      3. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

        There is probably some truth in this! When I was about 32 or so, someone commented that they thought I was much younger because I didn’t have a lot of wrinkles. I was bemused because even though I have an outdoor job I don’t really think of one’s 30s as being the age when we develop a lot of noticeable wrinkles. But on the other hand many women’s magazines, skin care advertisements, etc etc seem to project this idea that women in their 30s need to be “fighting wrinkles” and worrying about dressing in age-appropriate ways, whatever that means, and so on. So I will accept that we have this notion that people (especially women) in their 30s are well on their way to being wizened old crones.

    16. moql*

      Your comment about dancing is really interesting to me! I’m a former dancer and I’m always read young, and I’m beginning to think it has to do with body movement somehow. Like, maybe agility, or expressiveness, or some quality I can’t quite put my finger on? Now that I’m late twenties it really is starting to hold me back at work because people don’t think I’m old enough to be an authority on anything and I’ve been working on consciously changing my body language to be larger, and more still.

      Had anyone had much changing their movement to be read differently?

    17. Dan*

      A bit. I’ll be 40 next year, but can pass for 10 years younger. Physically, that’s always been true, and the way I carry myself and dress certainly doesn’t match my age.

      One of the more amusing stories was a little over 10 years ago, when I was going to school out in California. At the time, I had top tier status with Northwest Airlines, which got me free upgrades to first class “if available”. They were available a lot. There were times when I would be at the top of the list, and there’d only be one or two seats for upgrades. Keep in mind that being first on the list is usually the territory of people who fly *a lot* (as in once or twice a week) and spend a lot of money. TBH, think “old white guy, probably in a suit.” Then there’s mid-twenties me in shorts, a t-shirt and a backpack.

      The way they process upgrades (back then anyway) is just start calling names at the podium. They have no idea who you are. Once, at LAX, they called my name, and I approached the podium. Me, in my shorts, t-shirt, backpack and backwards hat. Gate Agent: “What do you want?” Me: You called for “XXX”. I forget her exact response, but it was something like “I mean the other XXX”. I just said to her, “I know you’re processing upgrades, and I’m first on the list, so let’s just get this over with.” She didn’t even apologize.

      Separately, one of the more culturally fascinating experiences I had was on a flight to Tokyo with my Dad. We flew JAL and had business class seats. I kid you not there were 48 Japanese dudes in suits, and two white guys in rather casually looking clothes. There was not a single woman in business class.

    18. Wishing You Well*

      If you look like you’re retired, no one will bother to guess your age unless they’re asking if you qualify for the senior discount! Between ages 50 and 100, it’s all one category!

    19. Mimmy*

      I’ll be 45 in October but I’ve had people think I was in my 30s. I’ve always looked young (thank you family genes!) and I don’t think I always carry myself maturely, especially when I get excited or anxious.

      There have been a couple of funny instances years ago. When my now-husband and I were first dating, I was in my early 20s. One time at a bar, the bartender carded me, saying “you have a young-looking complexion…”. I think he was trying to be cute, but looking back, it was a bit of an “eww” moment.

      Several years later on a flight, I was carded. I’m in my late-20s at this point. I think it was because another woman was seated next to me and my husband, and I think the flight attendant thought my husband and the woman were my parents.

      Not sure how I’m perceived nowadays though as my body begins to show its age, especially on my face :(

    20. MissDisplaced*

      Yes. I’ve always tended to look a bit younger than my actual age. I got carded well into my 30’s! LOL!
      I’m 52 now, but even in the workplace most don’t know it. They generally place me at early to mid-40s. Most are shocked to find I’m past 50 now. My hair is natural with no grey and the color/cut is kind of punk-ish, skin looks pretty good, even though I’m pretty chubs now. Actually, I think being kind of fat helps retain the youth in a weird way. Some of my friends look much older, though they are in better shape. (my unscientific opinion of course!)
      When I dress casually, I retain my Calli beach bum look, and probably seem younger than 50. No, I wouldn’t pass for a twenty-something anymore (or try to), but I’m happy to subtract 10 years or so!

      1. Specialk9*

        Agreed! A bit of fat keeps us looking young as we age. A friend looked late 20s/30s, in her mid 40s, when she was overweight. She lost a lot of weight, and now looks 50s/well aged 60s.

        1. Julia*

          I think that makes sense. My younger brother looks older than me (people often say that) because he’s much leaner, and I think my higher body fat fills in the winkles. Well, or it’s the fact that I wear sunscreen and stay indoors a lot, and he refuses “icky cream” and just burns as summer.

    21. Not So Little My*

      I’m 52 and come from a family with good skin genes, plus I stay out of the sun a lot. The undyed part of my hair has salt and pepper but I usually have the ends dyed unusual colors. Also I still dress like a grad student. I think I usually get read as early-mid 40s, but there is a lady at church who says she thought I was 35. I think being plump smooths out the wrinkles so maybe that’s part of it. I work in tech, which is pretty ageist, so I’m glad I can fly under the radar.

      It’s funny that tattoos and piercings and unusual hair are read as young, because I totally remember GenX doing all that stuff in the 80s.

    22. Book Lover*

      When I go in to see patients, I know how old they are. Pretty much everyone ‘looks their age’ except for smokers or people with serious tans. It is just that between about 20 and 45 people don’t look that different. Somewhere in the mid 30s you start to see some wrinkles and white hairs up close, I guess.

      1. Ruth (UK)*

        I agree in that range people don’t look wildly different which I suppose is why people’s perception of age seems to change so much based on behaviour, etc as with people thinking I’m much younger when I’m dancing but when I’m running a volunteer project. They’re not going on my looks alone but the way I’m dressing, acting, speaking, behaving, etc.

        I once guessed a woman to be 34 and it turned out she was 32 (the context made it not weird that I guessed). I said something about there not really being any physical difference (in general) between 34 and 32 year olds. She was very insulted. In retrospect I didn’t make the best comment there but… It’s true and I was forgetting about the context where people like to look young but not old.

        She made some sort of odd retaliation but I forgot what it was now. It was something like saying I looked 30+ and there was no difference between my age and whatever she said. It didn’t really work as an insult though because a) I actually agree about that and b) I don’t find it an insult to be perceived as older.

        When the volunteer project people guessed me older I was a bit flattered to find they perceived me to be ‘more’ of an adult than I actually was. Some way that I came across caused them to mentally increase their perception of my age.

        The acting silly / dressing more kid-like (eg. Bunches and hairbands) that causes people to perceive me as much younger at events shows it’s not ‘good genes’ or whatever causing the young age look, it’s just that they’re perceiving me as less mature and therefore younger. In that context I don’t mind (and sometimes enjoy it) but I don’t find it a ‘compliment’ exactly.

        People always say I should feel complimented when guessed young but I suppose the reason I don’t is because I can see it’s not necessary just a ‘looks’ thing. There’s more at play

    23. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      Yes.
      Weirdly enough, people considered me a high school senior or college freshman until I got fat… and then start assuming I am a 30-something housewife (!?) with several kids (!?).
      The weirdest episode was back when I was 23, when a flight attendant asked my mum (!) if I was legally allowed to drink a beer. All that fuss for a can that was about a third of a pint, not enough to make me blush, let alone drunk. Now I have to dodge people trying to sell me baby stuff.

    24. Triple Anon*

      Yes and no, for me. I tend to be read as about the same age no matter what I’m wearing. I get read as more “innocent” when I dress more maturely. People think I’m a very sheltered young person.

      I’m about 40 and generally thought to be 20 – 25. It has created a lot of problems. I also come across as younger because I have joint and muscle problems that create a more youthful appearance. So that’s kind of an interesting thing. Sometimes the lines on my face make people think I’m a young person who parties a lot or has had a rough life. The physical limitations + youthful appearance create a “lazy young person” kind of perception. I’m working on being more forthcoming about my age, disabilities, and other things so that these misunderstandings can be avoided.

      I get how this would be situational for a lot of people. I think it’s weird that I seem to come across as the same age in any context. I guess it’s an individual thing.

    25. Manatees are cool*

      Oh I’ve experienced this. I’m 21 however I do look young. I ride the bus a lot however it’s different in school holiday time. Out of holiday time I get an adult bus ticket. In the school holidays I get given a children’s bus ticket. You start paying for an adult bus ticket from 16 onwards.

    26. Revanche @ A Gai Shan Life*

      My experience tallies very closely to yours. At age 23-27 in jeans, tee, a ballcap I passed for a young teen. Same period in business clothes in my line of work, I was pegged for about late 20s or early 30s. How we project ourselves makes a huge difference.

    27. rogue axolotl*

      It’s funny you mention it, because I recently had a run-in with persistent mis-aging. I’m also 28, and typically this doesn’t come up, but I recently went on a road trip with my mother, and for some reason I totally shocked several people when I told them my age. Based on their reactions, I think they were expecting me to be a teenager. Maybe this was just because my mother and I were travelling together, but I’ve never gotten that kind of reaction before, so I’m wondering what I did that made me apparently look so young.

    28. Llellayena*

      I have always been guessed at at least a decade younger than I am, some of that is because my parents look younger than they are too. But the best age story is:

      My mom taught third grade and refused to tell the class her age until her birthday when it would be a math lesson to figure it out based on her birth year. I would occasionally help in the classroom so I was fair game to ask what my age was so they could try to guess mom’s. One kid asked, I responded “31”. His eyes got wide and he said “then your mom has to be 32!”

      Yes, yes she is.

    2. Lcsa99*

      I was thinking they look more suspicious. Like maybe she was cleaning up their toys, and they were supervising to make sure she didn’t take them too far away.

      1. Kuododi*

        My mini daschunds give me a similar look when I am not moving fast enough to get the food dishes filled. ;)

  4. Marion Ravenwood*

    I get this a LOT. I’m 31 next month, but still regularly get IDed when buying age-restricted products (most shops selling alcohol in the UK operate a policy where if you look under 25 they’ll ID you, even though the legal drinking age is 18). The last time it happened the checkout assistant asked for my drivers licence, looked at it and went ‘Oh sorry!’ before handing it back.

    I think it comes from the fact I’m quite short (5’2″) and have quite a ‘baby’ face, plus I dress like a teenager a lot of the time which probably doesn’t help.

    The one that sticks in my mind though is when I worked in a hotel bar and the kitchen porters refused to believe I was over 18. I had to go and get my ID to show them that yes, I really was old enough to serve alcohol and had been for some time.

    3. .*

      I get asked for ID sometimes too. The last time whilst I was looking through my wallet the cashier said I bet you’re goig to tell me your 25 or something, I just laughed and doadnim closer to 40 than 25.

    4. Jess*

      Also in the UK, I still get ID’d at 35-nearly-36 if I’m dressed casually and not wearing makeup. I’ve had to leave bottles of wine behind in the shop because I was just nipping out for a couple of things and didn’t have my drivers licence or anything with me.
      Same shop never IDs me on my way home after a long day at work though, I’m assuming I look tired and fully my age then!

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Here a lot of places have just given up and ID everyone. I carded a guy that looked to be at least ten years younger to me (at that time) this put him around mid 30s. He said, “Aw com’on. We’re the same age.” I looked at his ID and said, “I am 13 years older than you.” He said, “Boy, ya really can’t tell, can ya.” He shook his head.
      I had a 75 year old neighbor who could probably pass for 60. It was her clothes, her activity level , her general state of mind that could really throw off an estimate.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Same here. I’d say almost all stores in my area require ID for everyone, and they have to input the customer’s date of birth into the register before it will let them proceed. It seems a bit overboard, but it’s really the only way to avoid underage purchases since it’s really hard to tell someone’s age by looking at them sometimes. So many stores have been busted, and it’s not intentional sales to underage people.

      2. kc89*

        yeah, there were many times at my old job where I was like “I don’t need to ID this guy he’s like 37 at least…” but then just to be safe I would check his I.D and he would only be like 22 or something. You can’t always tell.

    6. Aphrodite*

      I once worked for Trader Joe’s and was very careful. Twice it ended up where I carded two women (two different times) who were, respectively, 40 and 43. They were amused and flattered.)

      1. Triple Anon*

        I’ve worked the door in bars and worked in retail where cigarettes or alcohol were sold. After some experience with it, I decided to card everyone. You never know for sure, and older people tend to be flattered or at least understanding about it.

    7. Triple Anon*

      I got denied entry to a bar when I was 25. The door guy thought my driver’s license was fake. Thankfully he let me keep it! I looked older in the photo than in real life. They have those flattering lights at the DMV . . .

  5. Ms Cappuccino*

    Lucky you ! I know it must be annoying in some circumstances but I hope you enjoy looking very young because it won’t last.
    I am on my 40’s and sometimes my local shopkeeper pretends asking me to show my ID as a joke but he’s just flattering.

    1. foolofgrace*

      There comes a time when it’s not funny, it’s an imposition. Fer criyi, I’m 62. And they still sometimes card me at the grocery store. Just gimme the stuff.

      1. Someone Else*

        The law where I live is they are required to ask everyone. It’s not meant to be funny or flattering to request ID even when someone is obviously old enough. You could be 80 and if authorities were present/doing an inspection and caught the cashier not asking, the store would be fined.

        1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

          Years ago I was a cashier at a gas station, and we were required to ID absolutely everyone for cigarettes, alcohol, and lottery tickets. In orientation they said “even if it’s your own grandfather, you still have to ID”. We’d get fined and fired if they checked the security tape and saw us ring up a purchase that we didn’t ID for.

        2. Ms Cappuccino*

          Shopkeepers never ask people who look older their ID here. They are supposed to request it only from people who look under 25. But I leave in the UK. Are you in the US ?

          1. Someone Else*

            Yes I am in the US. Even before the “ID everyone” statute went into effect, I remember when I was a child there were little signs near the register in stores that sold alcohol that said they were supposed to ID anyone who looked under 50. That was in the 80s.

        3. rogue axolotl*

          Yeah, sometimes the policy is that they get in trouble if they’re caught selling to anyone who doesn’t have their ID with them, so it doesn’t really matter what your age is in that case.

      2. The Doctor is Out*

        I am 62, and I find that Burger King NEVER asks a woman to prove she is old enough to qualify for the senior discount (60 I think). Rare for a woman to claim to be older.

        1. London Calling*

          I have no hesitation asking for the senior discount and I don’t even get asked to prove I qualify :(

        2. Thursday Next*

          Bc that’s a store/corporate policy, not a law. They’re not going to get in legal trouble if they don’t card someone for a discounted Whopper.

          London Calling, It’s in BK’s interest that you remain a happy customer, so if you ask for the senior discount, and look older than 16, there’s no reason for them to verify it. It’s not personal.

          1. London Calling*

            I didn’t even know they had one and I eat there once in a blue moon. Lots of other places do a senior discount and I don’t get carded so obviously I look my age.

    2. Triple Anon*

      Looking younger is bad when it causes you to get denied housing or treated badly by your landlord, or denied a job or promotion for that reason alone, or otherwise treated as less experienced than you are. Or paid less.

      Those are some of the more tangible drawbacks. On the other hand, it does come with a lot of advantages. Overall, it isn’t something to complain about.

  6. Perpetua*

    I need help with reframing a situation so that I can move forward with a friendship with less sadness.

    TLDR: So, one of my best friends got married and let me know only afterwards. I feel hurt and question our closeness.

    Now, there are several “extenuating” circumstances. Her new husband is from another continent and this turned out to be the only way for him to be able to stay here. She mentioned earlier that this might be a possibility, but they were pursuing other options and we talked about them, so I figured she’d say if something changed. She keeps saying that this wedding was just a formality at this point (so that they can continue with the relationship and see how it goes) and that she couldn’t handle the stress of including anyone else in any capacity, but somehow, the picture that she sent me, of her with a white lace dress and a bouquet, makes it quite real for me and I’m sad that the person with whom I’ve shared life for 15 years didn’t feel the need to share that this step was happening.

    I am well aware that her marriage is not about ME, and it’s obvious that we have different emotional/friendship needs. What I would like to do is find some inner peace about this situation so that I can be a support for her moving forward and not resent her for something that wasn’t personal, but feels like it.

    Can anyone relate?

    1. Ms Cappuccino*

      My father got married to his partner and told me after. My first reaction was a bit hurt but I knew for him it was just a formality (they did it for some financial reason I will spare you the details). They invited nobody except the 2 witnesses (a legal requirements in France).
      Isn’t knowing she sees this wedding as a formality helping you to get over it ?
      Could you also share your feelings honestly with your friend? Not by blaming her but taking responsibility for your feelings when you speak.

      1. Perpetua*

        The legal requirements are the same, I’m guessing her sister was the witness, but I don’t know any details yet, she said she’d share them when she recovered a bit from everything.

        I think one of the reasons I’m having difficulties with accepting this as just a formality is that I can’t imagine myself doing it as 100% tell-no-one formality. But as someone mentioned below, that says more about MY view of such a step, and isn’t necessarily related to hers, and I need to accept her perspective as it is.

        I will share them when we talk in person, if the moment will seem right. I mentioned them just a bit when she let me know, because I was just too taken aback to not say anything, but still I didn’t want to make that moment about me and my feelings. So I congratulated her and said that it was a shock and that I wished that I could have been more of a support in this stressful time, but that I hope that things go more smoothly for them from now on and that I’m here for her.

    2. Lcsa99*

      If this is a green card marriage, I think the white lace and bouquet are to make it look as real as possible for the people who have a say in whether he stays or goes. I think you need to take her at her word that it was just a formality. If it was more than that, she probably would have said it was only family or close friends or something. You can consider that maybe having you there would have made it more “real” for her, and even if she’s just trying to convince herself of that, it might help you too if you play along.

      1. Dan*

        Yeah, the other give-away is the phrasing “get married and see how it goes”. That’s putting the cart before the horse — you *know* how it goes, and then get married.

        1. Wendy Darling*

          Sometimes getting married is the only feasible way to see how it goes, in relationships with immigration issues. :/

      3. AdAgencyChick*

        Yes, I read this as she’s hedging her bets — a white lace dress in case everything does work out beautifully and then in 20 years she can show everyone that wedding picture, but keeping everything quiet in case it doesn’t. But the explanation of making it look as real as possible for the authorities’ sake makes even more sense.

    3. families!*

      I can totally see how hurtful this would be. But I think there might be room to read her actions more generously (and really not personally). First, the whole immigration thing is right now super super stressful. Even for people who are here totally legally. I’ve talked with people who are not immigrants and they just can’t understand the level of stress others might be having. It’s real. Stress makes you have a sort of tunnel vision.

      The other aspect (and here you would know better) but maybe she didn’t want to involve her family for whatever reason and might have felt that involving a friend and not family might either not work or maybe be too painful and so she decided to not involve anyone else.

      1. Steve*

        I was thinking similar – I have a friend who could invite 10 people to the ceremony (city hall) so friends were not included. I don’t know what I would do with 5 seats – how would I decide between my few friends? I would probably end up inviting all family.

        I can see how the hardest part for me would be not being told ahead of time, but agreed that stress has strange effects. But the ‘I might have to do this’ convo ahead of time might have been that sharing of info.

        I agree with others that the lace is likely for show, if the wedding itself was for show.

      2. Perpetua*

        Thank you for some additional perspective. We’re not in the US (Eastern Europe), so the atmosphere around immigration is not quite as tense, although our bureaucracy has many faults as well and I can imagine (and I know from talks with her) how it’s still very stressful to be so dependent on various institutions and their papers in order to physically be with a loved one.

        I’m not yet sure if her family was involved (we’ll talk tomorrow, we didn’t get a chance to see each other before that), but I’d expect that it was, since they seem to have accepted him very openly. But she did mention that it would be sad for him to have no one there and for her to have friends present, so that might have played into the decision (I don’t agree with the logic, but I can respect it).

        I’m mostly hurt by not KNOWING about it, or even just knowing that that was what she decided to do after all, without specific info about the time and place, if that added to the stress. I’m okay with not being there in these circumstances.
        But all these perspectives and inputs are actually really helpful, so I think I’m on my way to feel much better about the whole thing, and I’m relieved. Thank you very much, everybody!

      3. immigrantwifeanon*

        “the whole immigration thing is right now super super stressful. Even for people who are here totally legally”

        A-freakin-men.

        Signed,
        the wife of a legal immigrant who is still 1000% stressed out about the whole thing.

        1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

          Different country, but that was one of the reasons why I became a citizen here. Even though I was 100% legal and had permanent residency, the government keeps moving the goal posts and jacking up the fees so I decided to just be done with it.

    4. KayEss*

      My husband and I got married at the courthouse without telling anyone until after the fact, but we were planning to (and eventually did) have a big church wedding and celebration with our families about a year later. I remember reading a lot of wedding blogs and forums at the time, and there was a huge split over whether or not it was “acceptable” to do that–there’s apparently a vocal faction of people out there who for some reason feel entitled to be deeply offended if it turns out the ceremony they’ve been invited to share in does not include the magical moment when your union becomes legally binding. (Not saying you’re being like that, just noting that a lot of people feel really strongly about weddings and wedding-related stuff in weird ways. They can cause a lot of surprising emotions! Nothing brings out the weirdness like weddings and funerals!)

      I didn’t have a white dress or flowers or even rings at our courthouse wedding, because for us it was literally a “legal contract so we can share insurance” ceremony rather than a wedding. But I’ve heard that (at least in the US) in order to enable a non-citizen fiance or spouse to stay in the country you need to provide a ridiculous amount of documentation to prove that your relationship is real–like old chat and text logs, photos of you together, etc.–so she may have gotten a bit more “done up” in order to make things more solidly credible for that purpose? I kind of wonder if she has told a lot of people or if you’re one of a select few who knows, since presumably she doesn’t want everyone making a big deal of things if she’s not sure they’re going to stay together.

      1. Murphy*

        Yes, I talked below about doing something similar, and my Mom asked me not to tell my extended family so they didn’t think that the wedding ceremony they attended wasn’t my “real wedding.”

        1. KayEss*

          I don’t know if our families were chill about it because they’re all moderately religious, so to them the church wedding would naturally be the “real” wedding either way, or what? Not that they wouldn’t consider us properly married if we didn’t do it in a church, but it was assumed we’d probably have a church ceremony and we confirmed that we were planning to do so, and that was that. I don’t think we announced it beyond immediate family, but I don’t really remember… it wasn’t like a shameful secret, though.

          We didn’t tell anyone beforehand because my mom had a lot of feelings about my then-fiance (now husband) and I didn’t want to listen to or deal with them, and I knew she’d be too polite to voice them if it was a done deal. Family, ain’t it grand!

          1. Murphy*

            Yeah, my mom is super religious. She didn’t want me to do it at first, but when I’d explored some other options to no avail, she was fine with it. I think she was more concerned with appearances.

      2. Temperance*

        Yes. I had to do the same thing, also for insurance, and I didn’t tell anyone outside of my witnesses. I was accused, here, of perpetuating a fraud on my guests by “tricking” them into watching my “vow renewal”.

        We did a Quaker self-marry license and had friends sign it and mailed it in. There was no ceremony.

      3. Anon From Here*

        > ridiculous amount of documentation

        Not just in the U.S. For my partner’s permanent residency in Canada, we had to submit a grab-bag of different proofs about our marriage, to establish that it was openly known and legit for a certain period of time. The proofs included a few pages of e-mail messages, photos of us (this was harder than we’d expected, since we’re not really “selfie” people), jointly controlled utilities bills, and even a couple of screenshots of our social media to show that we held ourselves out as “married.”

        1. Marion Ravenwood*

          My sister’s husband is from New Zealand, and she’d gone through a similar process (with providing all the photos, documents etc and accompanying two-year wait) over there. Had they waited til they came back to the UK to get married, they’d have had to do it all again here. So they had their legal wedding in NZ, which the UK government recognised, and then their ‘real’ wedding (AFAIK the only difference being they only signed the church register) in the UK once they were back.

          I know my mum was a bit upset not to be there for the legal wedding, but on balance it was more the not knowing it was happening and not feeling involved. And I get that – it’s a big thing in the life of someone you love, and you want to support them however you can. Sister’s attitude was similar to Murphy’s further down – the NZ wedding was just paperwork, but the UK wedding with both the families there was the one that mattered to them.

          I know that one thing that helped my mum was being able to be involved in the planning of the UK wedding. If things do work out for your friend (and I hope they do), would she consider having a blessing/vow renewal or similar? If so, could that be something you could help her with in terms of planning etc?

      4. Perpetua*

        Yes, I’ve seen that attitude around some wedding blogs and forums, and I don’t agree with it, but you’re absolutely right, weddings do bring out many surprising emotions, even for people with various degrees of involvement! :)

        As I’ve mentioned above, for me it’s more about not knowing about the ceremony happening than about not being there. We’re not in the US, but she has mentioned that they’ll need similar proof of their relationship. From what I can tell, I’m one of the few who knows, she hasn’t shared it with the rest of our friend group yet (but she said she will soon) and she probably won’t share it at all with the “public”. So that helps a bit, that she at least told me about it happening, even after the fact.

    5. Murphy*

      I don’t know if this is helpful, but I can sort of speak to it from the other side. I got fired a few years ago. I was already engaged to be married in 8 months, but after exhausting my health care options, we ended up getting married. Just a quick thing at the court house on a Thursday morning and my husband went back to work afterwards. We had witnesses there because we needed them (chosen because they were not working and were thus available on Thursday morning), but in my mind, it was some paperwork and not my actual wedding.

      I had talked about it with my parents and let them know but it might be a possibility and I did end up telling them a few days beforehand that we were doing it and they were fine. My husband did not tell his parents until afterwards and his mother was really deeply hurt by it. In her mind we got married and didn’t include her. To me, including family would have made THAT my real wedding instead of the celebration with family and friends that I had planned. And I didn’t want to my wedding to be on Thursday morning followed by my husband going back to work. I had a hard time understanding why she was so upset because to me a really was just a formality. We told the rest of our friends a few days later at dinner but they all knew the situation then they went when we’re doing so I don’t think any of them were upset by it.

      I get why you’re upset and I agree with others that the pictures might be to show that it was a “real” wedding. I would just say that when you’re doing something like this, even if it’s someone that you do want to marry, it’s difficult to feel like you’re being forced into it, and maybe you just want to get it over with without a lot of fuss, and so it’s easier to tell people that it already happened as opposed to “it is happening.” I’m sorry you’re feeling hurt.

      1. Perpetua*

        Thank you for sharing your experience. I can relate to the MIL’s “she got married and didn’t include me”, because I keep thinking of all the talks we had over the years, about life and relationships and marriage, and now it has happened and I didn’t know about it. (I know it’s just a formality, but this was my first feeling when I heard about it.)
        But I can also understand how including family and friends (even just by telling them in advance) makes it more real and adds another layer of stress to an already stressful situation, so I’ll try to focus on that more.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Probably not an answer that is easy to hear but here goes. Life picks up speed. With each decade that rolls by I see people doing things and telling me later. I mean big life events and I find out later. It was hard to go through this change. Then after a bit I realized my new norm was seeing that they bothered to tell me AT ALL. Life gets in the way, there’s too much going on. It’s the people who have big life events and never contact us, those people are the most concerning.

      So the way this shakes down is like this: A friend jumped out of a perfectly fine airplane for the sheer sport of it. (It was probably GOOD that he told me later.) Another friend had a horrible accident where someone got killed. (I was glad he told me, but I was mad at myself that I did not find out on my own.) Another friend was divorced for a year before the subject came up. (This gave Friend time to get used to the idea, but I was shocked and processing. This put us in two different spots.)

      I think it was my 30s and 40s that this started happening more and more. Now in my late 50s its almost a daily occurrence. We get so immersed in the daily details of our own lives that it gets harder and harder to weave everyone in with what is new.

      But if you think about a bit you will probably realize that there is stuff going on with you that your friends are not aware of. Yeah, it might be trivial but it might accumulate into something larger later. One place kept promoting me. In about a year’s time I had worked my way into a management position. For friends that missed the little steps along the way, I had to briefly describe the sequence of minor events that led to my new position.

      Yes, a wedding is a big deal. But for her it was a matter of practicality. It could be that she will have another wedding later. Or it could be that you end up attending her major anniversary parties. Or it could be that she separates in a year and says, “I tried to tell you the wedding was no big deal. Now you see why I said that.” She let you know, she is keeping you in the loop but just not as you had hoped. Sometimes that’s the best we get because, LIFE!

      1. Perpetua*

        Yes, that’s a bigger picture view and I can see it happening. It’s not entirely the same, but it has some parallels so I’ll use this as an example that I thought of today. My partner and I are talking about possibly having kids next year. It’s a huge decision for me, and it freaks me out, but I think I’m slowly getting used to the idea. However, I probably won’t share anything with my mom before I actually get pregnant (and then some), because dealing with my feelings about it is intense enough without putting her influence into the mix. So she might get hurt that I didn’t share this huge decision-making process with her, but it’s easier and healthier for me to do it this way.
        So as I said, it’s not quite the same, and the friend/mother dynamic is different, but it helps me put things into perspective.
        Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experience!

    7. Temperance*

      I can sort of relate to your friend here, TBH, although I didn’t actually tell anyone about my legal marriage besides my witnesses because I didn’t want any hard feelings or to hear any shit about my wedding ceremony not being my “real wedding”.

      People can be really horrible about this, FYI. I mean, last time this came up, someone here in the comments told me that I tricked all of my wedding guests and lied to them because they were witnessing a “vow renewal” and not a wedding, and more or less accused me of fraud.

      It’s different for immigration, because you need to show evidence that you’re really married/a real couple. Seriously, This isn’t about you, or excluding you … and it sounds like your friend is at least a little unsure of this decision.

      1. Perpetua*

        Yeah, I think I remember when it came up, and I’m very sorry that you got such reactions.

        And yes, there is some insecurity on her part, but I think she figured that there would always be some insecurity and that she likes him enough to buy them time and the necessary papers to figure out it if works by actually living together, not by being on separate continents.

    8. Jenice*

      I can relate in the sense that I was the one who didn’t invite a friend to my elopement and honestly it didn’t occur to me that it was a big deal. She was very hurt and I had no idea it was that important for her to be there.
      Did you friend have an actual wedding, or did she elope?

      1. Perpetua*

        I’m not sure where people draw the line for elopement (is it still elopement if e.g. you have your parents with you?), but I guess they had just the legal ceremony with the necessary witnesses, and possibly her parents and sister with them (but also possibly not).

        1. Rave*

          Yes. When I eloped his parents were there ( not mine, as they live too far). There wasn’t a party after, we just went to lunch.
          I did however tell all my friends and family before we were getting married, so that part is a bit odd on your friend’s part. She may have also just been nervous and stressed with it, given the circumstances of the wedding in the first place.
          Honestly, I would see how the friendship is from now onn and maybe this was just a glitch and not a statement of your friendship with her.

    9. ModernHypatia*

      For marriage-related immigration, there are some serious limitations on timing. There’s also a ton of paperwork and appointments and so on that can be hard to schedule.

      (My ex-husband – Canadian – and I – US – married on a fiance visa: we had 90 days from when he entered the country to get married, and there’s a whole host of things like being able to get a visa to work that depend on converting to a marriage visa, which can sometimes mean you need to make really fast decisions.)

      In terms of the visible signs of a marriage – they’re going to need to keep demonstrating the validity of their marriage to random bureaucrats (and in many places in the world these days, that’s an incredibly stressful, invasive, and sometimes demeaning process even when it isn’t worse than that.) It’s really standard advice to make and keep documentation that makes it clear it’s a ‘real’ relationship. (We had to submit photos, plane ticket stubs, documentation from things like emails over a long period of time, letters from people who knew us both, etc.)

      So I can both see why they’d have done some of the visible parts, while not being able to wrangle the social parts (or being concerned that if they invited people to the legal wedding at this stage, they’d then end up needing to asking those people to write letters of support/etc. without being able to explain that process well right now. If no one was invited to the wedding, it’s easier for them to choose who to write who can best explain that.) Maybe you’d have been great with it, but other friends or family wouldn’t be, y’know, and they had to make the decision quickly and without adding a ton more stress.

      If you want to make life easier for her in the future, set up time to go out, and write up some sort of comment after about talking about the wedding, how much she loves her husband, what you talked about, etc. that could be submitted for documentation for them later. Or offer to help plan a celebration when they’re no longer so swamped by the legal frustrations and scary forms.

      1. Perpetua*

        We’re not in the US, but yes, he had 90 days as well and they tried to figure out different options, but time was running out (the 90 days will be up in a week or so, I think), so they probably needed to make a fast decision as you mention.

        I’m not hurt by the lack of invitation (I would have liked to be there for the occasion, but I understand the circumstances) but mostly by the fact that she didn’t tell me about the marriage part happening after all.

        If things go well, they plan to do a proper wedding in a year or two or three, but maybe we can go for a dinner with our friend group if that’s something she’d like. I already mentioned to her that I’ll help in any way necessary, with documentation, proof, etc.

        Thank you for sharing, it helps.

    10. ReginaPhilange*

      Perpetua, I can sort of relate to your side of things. My situation was different, but last year one of my best friends (and bridesmaid) got married and didn’t invite me. She invited family and one or two childhood friends. They claimed it to be a small, inconspicuous wedding, yet planned it for 6 months and are still archiving the photos and displaying them around the house. I heard about all the planning and have sat through multiple “let’s look at wedding photos” sessions. I was and still am really sad that just like you describe above, a friend who I’ve shared life with for about 10 years didn’t feel it was important to share her special day with me… even after being IN my wedding. (The fact that I chose her as a bridesmaid makes it feel worse to me that I wasn’t even invited to hers.)

      I’m not sure if I can give you any good advice here, because in my case, it did indeed change my relationship with my friend. The wedding was clearly an important day and event to her, and the fact that I didn’t make the cut for people to share it with has made me since question which parts of my life I share with her. I also feel somewhat resentful towards her wife because I kind of blame the secrecy on her.

      However, I do agree with the commenters above that for your friend, it was probably more of a stressful situation than a joyful one, and she probably wanted to keep it as under the radar as possible. This does seem like a situation where you could talk to your friend and she might reassure you of the above.

      1. Perpetua*

        Ouch, I’m sorry that you had a similar experience, but with added weight due to planning and inviting some of the friends. And well, I’m not married and with no immediate plans, but it’s been coming up now and then, and then I start thinking about who I’d have as a witness/maid of honor, and she’s one of the 2 people I’d probably ask. Which is why this hurt, as I figured that she had another witness there.

        But everything that the others have mentioned helps me put things into another light and we’ll be able to talk about this without resentment on my part.

    11. Lissa*

      I think I’d feel hurt if other friends were included, but if they didn’t include anybody else – I don’t think it’s that you have different emotional/friendship needs, or at least wouldn’t conclude that based on this. It’s that you perceive *weddings* differently, not friendships.

      I understand that emotions run really high, but it honestly sounds more like you perceive a wedding as a thing that important people should be included in, and she just doesn’t see it that way. It sounds like you’re thinking, if the friendship were closer/better she’d have invited you, but I’m not getting that impression.

      1. ReginaPhilange*

        This is a good point. Other people have told me this, but it’s hard to tell my brain to think that way.

      2. Perpetua*

        Thank you, that’s a pretty good insight – that it’s our differing perception of this wedding that’s causing me sadness. My thinking is more along the lines “if she had the same need for closeness and sharing that I do, she would have told me this was happening”, but still, for her it might truly be a formality (and all the other factors that people have mentioned come into play as well).

    12. Wishing You Well*

      Here’s one possible reframing: Was ANYONE invited to her ceremony? Maybe everyone she knows is wondering “What just happened?” Except for the one photo (which seems more like Exhibit A), it doesn’t sound like a typical “wedding”. Maybe she’s really unsure of what she did and didn’t want a lot of witnesses to an iffy move. Maybe she didn’t want you and others expressing out loud doubts she was already thinking before the event.
      I think this is all about her state of mind and circumstances and not about your friendship. Please treat yourself and her kindly, since she will probably need your support in the future.

      Full disclosure: I had a VERY small wedding: just parents and 2 witnesses. It had nothing to do with snubbing anyone, it was very much about: 2 penniless college students/senior year/must find jobs in same city! Thankfully, my family and friendships survived my tiny wedding.

      1. Detective Amy Santiago*

        This!

        My sister and her husband had a justice of the peace wedding a year before their ‘real’ wedding because he’d lost his job and they wanted to get him on her insurance. The only people who were there were parents and siblings and I don’t think they told anyone else until afterwards.

        There’s a high chance I’ll end up doing something similar, also for immigration reasons.

      2. Perpetua*

        I don’t think anyone was invited to the ceremony, other than the necessary witnesses (don’t know who they were) and maybe immediate family on her side. It definitely wasn’t a typical wedding and probably very few people know that it even happened.

        Treating us both kindly, yes, that’s kind of my goal here! I needed to get this out somewhere so that I could be with her with a clearer mind and heart, and all the answers here have been really helpful, thank you!

        1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

          I’ve actually had two friends do something similar for immigration reasons (in two different countries). In both cases they were legal immigrants in committed long-term relationships but didn’t want to be actually married for personal reasons, but in the end it was the easiest way to deal with immigration issues. So they had a small legal ceremony and then a larger celebration later, in one case a few years later.

        2. Wishing You Well*

          Just a side thought: the witnesses could’ve been court employees or anybody hanging around at the time. The witnesses for my will, for example, were my lawyer’s employees and the witness for my very close friends’ baby’s baptism was an unknown woman hanging around in the church at the time. Not me, because I wasn’t of their faith. The ol’ “quick, git ‘er done” thing – if that helps.

          1. Seeking Second Childhood*

            Ditto for my mom & dad…admittedly they got married during WWII, but when my grandmother & the priest started fussing about mom not being Catholic my dad said lets go to whatever church will marry us today. They had no witnesses they’d met before or saw afterwards. Not a church from either family either.

    13. only acting normal*

      You’ve written it yourself. It’s not that she “didn’t feel the need to share that this step was happening”, it’s that “she couldn’t handle the stress of including anyone else in any capacity”.
      Definitely not about her excluding you personally (because “different friendship needs” or reasons), but doing the bare bones of what she could cope with (because weddings are stressful even when you do everything 100% conventionally, and this is not that).

    14. LilySparrow*

      It sounds to me like this was not really her ideal situation, but she decided it was the best thing to do at the time.

      Perhaps talking it over, especially if you have talked about ideal futures/weddings/relationship stuff in the past, would have made it harder for her to go ahead with her decision. Not that you did anything to be hard to talk to — I don’t mean that.

      But sometimes I have to switch into “practical mode” for certain things, and discussing or trying to explain my thinking would derail me from what I intend to accomplish. It might not be your reaction she was trying to avoid, but that talking to you (or anyone) about it would open up a can of worms and make it too emotionally complicated or overwhelming for her.

    15. Triplestep*

      I married my first husband on a Friday lunch hour and then went back to work, and THEN told my mother. And I only told her because she happened to call me! We married so he could get on my health insurance – we already had two kids together, so really a formality.

      I wanted nothing by way of a party (who has a party for getting health insurance?) and he agreed, but friends of his threw us a dinner that was (surprise!) in honor of our marriage. He was so scared that I would turn around and leave once I figured it out, and let me tell you – even as a formality, it was not a great way to start this new chapter in our lives. One of my own friends later lamented that the reward she got for abiding by my wishes was to be left out of the only thing that was done by way of a celebration.

      This is all by way of telling you to take your friend at her word! I know it must feel bad to feel excluded, but if she’s anything like I was, she didn’t want the pressure of making it more than it felt like to her for the benefit of others. There’s a bit of a fraudulent feeling in getting married this way and then celebrating, which is why I didn’t want a big deal made of it. You said you know her wedding is not about you, but I’m sorry you feel conflicted about not knowing about it or being there. I think in time it will sting a bit less.

      1. Perpetua*

        Yeah, I think you’re right, it will sting less and less as time goes by and things get calmer on their end. Thank you for sharing.

    16. Zona the Great*

      I would be the friend in this situation and my story is only about my life but perhaps you may find something in it. My former BFF of 15 years would have expected to be included in any big event of mine. She would often make comments like, “I know when Zona’s beloved cat dies, I will have to take a week off work to go be with her” but in my mind I would think, no way in hell would I allow that. I would not even tell her and I did not when that day did come. She was hurt. But I simply want my big events to be mine only. I would never expect to be involved in those intimate events in her life yet she did want me in hers. She was upset when I would not sleep at her home the night of her wedding. You can see why she is my former friend. We simply grew into people who ultimately were not compatible anymore.

      1. Perpetua*

        Well, that IS a part of my worry, that we’re not compatible in our needs (e.g. I seem needy to her, she seems cold to me). But with everything that others have written, I think that might not actually be the true story of our friendship, at least not to that extent and at this moment, so I think we’ve still got some years ahead of us.

    17. ThatGirl*

      My mom had been with her guy for like 10 years and they got married out of the blue, she told me afterward by group text. Group. Text.

      So yeah I relate.

      2. Steve*

        Similar situation – it was my father, and he told us as a comment at a family gathering a couple months later.

        On the positive side, he is the one who is upset that we aren’t close (and seems clueless on why), and if I ever get married then I have an excuse not to tell him or his partner. I don’t think he will ever realise how happy that makes me (his decisions are removing any of my guilt)

    18. Bagpuss*

      I can understand how you feel, but equally, there may be very good reasons why they did it that way.
      One of my cousins did something similar – she and her fiance got married very privately, for immigration / work related reasons (basically, rules abut eligibility for work changed. Married, her husband could work, unmarried, he would have to return to his birth country and re-apply for a different visa),
      They got married, and didn’t tell anyone – I think that my cousin’s mum, and possibly her brother, where there. They then had their wedding as planned several months later.
      I only found out because my cousin asked me to help out with certifying some documents (I’m a lawyer) which included their marriage certificate.

      In their case, they didn’t tell anyone because that first ceremony was, for them, primarily an administrative thing, not something they wanted to share with everyone, as that came later.

      1. Perpetua*

        Yup, many reasons for them doing things this way. Feeling a bit better after reading all the replies, thank you!

    19. Anon This Time*

      I was in your friend’s situation 10 years ago: as part of a (non-US) visa application, it was recommended that my then-partner and I make what had been explained to us as a ‘relationship declaration’ at the town hall. We only worked out *as it was happening* that this was as close to a same-sex wedding ceremony as was legally available at the time.

      It was awful. Really and truly awful. We had at that point been together for three years; and we lived together and did talk about getting married someday. But to find ourselves accidentally married was… rough.

      We made the same agreement that your friend and her now-husband did, to keep it on the hush so we could move on with our relationship more naturally. But I’ve always suspected that she thought I knew what the ceremony really was and tricked her into doing it, possibly contributing to our break-up six months later. (For the record, I did not know and I wouldn’t have gone through with it if I had.)

      Anyway, having been through something quite similar I can tell you that her thoughts and feelings right now are probably a mess – I for one felt like I’d been robbed of my actual wedding, and while keeping it a secret felt like the right choice it was also very, very weird. I would urge you to follow her lead: if she isn’t thinking of this as a marriage, then you shouldn’t either; if this was a formality for her that she is trying to pretend didn’t happen, don’t add emotional heft to it by being upset that you were left out. You are 100% allowed to have your feelings but you should try to avoid having them At Her – which I think you’re doing by asking for advice here, so great work you!

      The immigration process in most countries is the mental and emotional equivalent of spending months in a bathtub full of hot sweaty garbage. Your friend and her partner made the best decision they could make under difficult circumstances, and your feelings got hurt in the process. That is real and unfortunate, but I can promise you that if it’s anything like any of my various immigration situations over the years, her priority was to fix the immediate problem in front of them so they could buy time to more clearly consider the next step. I hope that she and her partner get through with with a shred of their sanity (and their relationship, and their savings) intact; and I hope that you are able to resolve your feelings about what happened. And hell, maybe in time all of you will be able to laugh about The Time They Got Secretly Married – I know I’ve dined out on my story for years!

      1. Perpetua*

        Thank you for sharing your story, I’m sorry you had such an experience! I hope that the years in between have brought you many laughs and joys. And hey, your life story helped a stranger cope! :)

        You’ve hit the nail on the head with “her priority was to fix the immediate problem in front of them so they could buy time to more clearly consider the next step” and the importance of me not adding emotional heft (and yes, I’m trying to avoid that by figuring things out here, and it seems to be working, so thank you all lovely people!).

    20. Aardvark*

      One of my close friends did the same thing with his long-term partner–I felt hurt for a couple days, because I’d have liked to show how much they mean to me by celebrating with them. And ultimately, I realized I could channel that feeling into celebrating them in a different way and got them a wedding present. I still wish I could have been there, but sharing how much I cared in a different way took the edge wayyy off.

      1. Aardvark*

        (ETA: This was a small present that I would have made for the two of them anyway, presented with an absolute minimum of ceremony)

    21. Climber*

      Ok, late to the party but I hope you see this. I totally understand! I was LIVING with my friend and her boyfriend and I went home for a weekend and they got married. And then THEY DIDN’T TELL ME when I got back! I only found out a couple weeks later when I saw a piece of mail and her name was changed on it! They hadn’t even told his best friend, he found out from me! Insanity! I have kinda never gotten over it. Like, you couldn’t even mention it in passing? WRite something on a post it note and leave it in OUR SHARED LIVING SPACE? I moved out not long after that, surprisingly enough I didn’t feel very welcome.

    22. Revanche @ A Gai Shan Life*

      I almost did that myself when my spouse and I were having just a courtroom deal on a weekday which was inconvenient for everyone because work! I actually called him crying the morning of because I realized I couldn’t just do it and not ask him to come but I remember why at the time I didn’t – this wasn’t meant to be the real deal and I didn’t want it to be the one that counted in terms of asking friends to come be there. And in the moment, without meaning to be rude to your friend, but in that particular moment I think we can be most self centered in making that happened and not realize that it would be hurtful to our dearest ones who’d want to be there. Honestly I didn’t think anyone cared about me enough to be hurt by not being included, so that played a role.

      I hope this wasn’t a situation that she didn’t value your friendship and that you feel valued going forward.

  7. Jess*

    I’m about to turn 36 and in the past year I’ve put on quite a lot of weight without changing anything in my lifestyle. I’m fairly active and a pretty healthy eater, but none of the things that used to work when I got a bit heavier (cutting down on sugar, walking and swimming more) have made a dent. I get regular thyroid tests because there’s a big family history of it and I have some related autoimmune issues, but my thyroid is fine.

    I’m now hovering around the top of the range for a healthy BMI for my height and none of my clothes fit. I know it’s kind of first world problems, but my tummy feels huge to me and I’d really like to nip it in the bud before it gets worse. I guess my question is, is this middle-aged spread, and if so what (sustainable) things can I do about it?

    1. nep*

      You can turn it around. Barring any medical issue, generally a few simple changes held to consistently will make a different. Could you expand on ‘fairly active and a pretty healthy eater’?

      2. Jess*

        Thanks for this! Food-wise, I hate cooking and I’m permanently exhausted so there’s not a lot of variety in my food. Often on a Sunday I’ll make a couple of frittatas and some pasta salad for lunches and dinners throughout the week, both with lots of vegetables but also lots of cheese. I eat a lot of Greek yoghurt, cheese, nuts, fruit, and a couple of times a week a ready meal from one of the healthy (protein and vegetable heavy) ranges. I try to cut out as much added sugar as I can but I have a bad habit of grabbing cereal bars when I’m out and hungry or when I’m travelling. I work 60+ hours per week and travel for work a lot, plus I’m coeliac so often there doesn’t feel like a good substitute for the cereal bars when on the go.

        I just wrote a long, long comment about my activity levels but it basically broke down to me realising that since changing jobs a few months back I’m not nearly as active as I used to be, and I’ve been kidding myself thinking nothing has changed on that front. I’ve just (in the past couple of weeks) started seeing a personal trainer for 30 minutes twice a week to focus on strength. I’m struggling to get started with other ways of being more active, I feel so unfit and out of shape and all I want to do in my off-hours is lie on the sofa with a book, but I know I need to get over the mental block and just do something.

        1. Oatmeal*

          It doesn’t matter if your calories are healthy ones if there are too many (simplistic but still mostly true). Try tracking for a couple days—cheese, nuts are caloric alloy dense and it’s really easy to go over and this gain weight even though you feel like you’re making healthy choices through no sugar etc. my other tip is to figure out what satiates you. When I’m not nursing I do really well and lose weight with lots of protein and fat, lower carbs. MyFitnessPal is a good app to keep track of your calories. And yes, weightlifting. It’ll make real aesthetic changes and you’ll get strong in the process too! Win-win.

        2. Coffeelover*

          Diet wise my suggestion would be to cut out the pasta. These kind of carbs tend to make you gain the most weight and it’s a pretty easy switch. Make your salads with quinoa instead. I’m not sure how celiacs impacts you but can you eat bulgur? It’s another good options. These fiber filled alternatives keep you full for longer and have more nutrients. You’ll see a big change in how bloated you feel pretty much right away.

          Ready made meals are also almost always bad for you even if they seem like they should be good (because of all the additives). Can you cook some food and freeze it? I usually make a big batch of meat sauce (like bolognese) freeze it and then I can just spend 15min warming it up and making a side (not pasta though). It’s a much better alternative.

        3. nep*

          Changes in what you eat can make a huge difference, even in periods when you aren’t getting in a lot of physical activity. (But you’re right–you can change the habits little by little, even if it means slipping in a few calisthenics or a brisk walk or do the stairs a few times at home. And believe me you will just feel better moving your body more.)
          Cheese, nuts, and cereal bars can all contribute to getting more calories than you need. I hear you about not having a lot of time to spend on food prep / choices. I’m vegan so I don’t like promoting eggs, but if you like them, hard-boiled eggs can be a satisfying food on the go. Many fruits can be too–bananas probably the easiest.
          It sounds like you’re already working your way to making some better choices about all this. Great that you’re making the investment to work with a trainer; strength training / weights are your friend, for sure. Perhaps just writing all this out today has helped move you past a rut. Wishing you all the best.

        4. TardyTardis*

          Do a food diary for the next month, you might well be surprised by what shows up (and yes, I remember having to write down the Lemonheads, too).

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Sigh… I have to get a new job…I’m 35 miles from the office and a year or two ago management abruptly got rid of telecommuting…those 2 or 3 TC days were the only days I had time to get any significant exercise.

    3. AnonJ*

      Weight lifting is doing wonders for me. I’m fairly active; walk a lot during the day (10k steps or more), swim or cycle 5 days a week, and have a healthy diet but at 40 my weight began to creep up. I started lifting weights 3 times a week this summer and it’s really helped to kickstart my metabolism. There’s a huge sense of accomplishment that comes after each session. You should start with a trainer to learn the proper technique. But after those initial sessions you should be fine on your own.

      1. GermanGirl*

        If weight lifting isn’t for you, do some other sport that is more strength & coordination than endurance, since you’re already doing endurance.

        I had the same problem even though I cycle and swim regularly, but since rejoining ballet class after a 10 year absence, my weight is finally starting to come down.

        1. Jess*

          I used to do a lot of Pilates but the teacher moved away and I haven’t enjoyed any class since, turns out what I really loved about her classes was all the release work she incorporated into the class. I’ve been thinking about joining a barre class close to me, though.

    4. The Other Dawn*

      Another vote for weights. You don’t need to be a weightlifter, but adding weights, like free weights with squats and lunges, or some kettle bell exercises, will really help to add some muscle without bulk, which burns more calories. I’d also say to get your RMR (resting metabolic rate) tested to see how many calories you burn at rest throughout the day. It may be that you only burn 1,500 at rest and maybe another 300 exercising (I’m pulling numbers out of the sky), but you’re eating 2,000. That’s a surplus of 200 calories a day, which can make the weight creep up over time. I got mine tested while I was preparing for skin removal surgery, because I wanted to be sure I was on track to be the weight I wanted to be at the time of the surgery. It was confirmation that I was right on track with eating 1,800 calories a day so I could lose a couple pounds. Good luck!

      1. Jess*

        That’s really interesting, I didn’t realise that was an option. I’ll look into it, thanks! And I’ve just started weight training – glad to see it’s helped so many people.

        1. The Other Dawn*

          If you Google RMR testing you’ll find places that offer it. I think I paid something like 50.00 (USD). It took only 10 minutes and I got a report afterwards. It can be really helpful, because your RMR changes as you lose/gain weight, gain muscle, etc. You might think you’re burning more calories than you eat, but it’s not always the case. I found it to be very accurate.

          1. WWF*

            Any recommendations for an inexpensive facility for a RMR test in NYC? My quick google search showed a cost of $200-250.

            1. The Other Dawn*

              I went to CT Nutrition Consultants in Farmington, CT. You may find a better price by searching nutritionists rather than a testing facility. I did a quick search near me and found an individual nutrition consultant that charges 100.00.

              I know there are a couple different ways to test it, and you might be finding prices for the more expensive one. For that one, I think they put you in some sort of chamber that measures RMR. The one I did is the little machine you breathe into. It’s called Body Gem.

      2. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

        Definitely weights – When I was working consistently with my trainer I had some very positive changes in inches, felt stronger, core was tighter, etc. Then he moved gyms to a more expensive one and well, back to square one. Going to go to kettlebell and TRX classes next week to get this back under control. I was doing ok training myself, but then the gym overhauled the equipment in August and now I can’t FIND anything in the weight room!

        Would also suggest cutting out the pasta salads completely and either the cheese or nuts. When I have cut out wheat and cheese my weight starts coming down (if slowly!) the problem is being consistent about it. I love pizza too much!

        I hear you about being busy – I like to make up either sweet potato falafels or some other type of baked falafel on the weekend that I can take for lunch along with a light salad + a few teaspoons of lentils on top (you could probably modify your pasta salad recipes to support something similar). I’ve been using chickpea flour a lot lately and find that it really helps with satiety – the blog powerhungry has a ton of great recipes that are veg dense using cp flour.

    5. Ciara Amberlie*

      Could you start keeping a food and exercise diary or use an app to track calories in and out? There may be some innocuous change in your diet or activity levels that could be causing weight gain, without you realising.

      Also… another vote for weights! One of the biggest causes of a slowing metabolism as we age is a loss of muscle mass, so doing some weight lifting will help to reverse that and hopefully get you back to where you want to be. Good luck!

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Watch out for too many carbs and make sure you get in protein every day so you have energy. Make sure your bowels work every day. Organic apple juice NOT from concentrate can help if need be. I cut mine in half with water so it’s less sugar and the product lasts longer.

      We do experience a down turn around age 34. I read an article that said we start to exhibit the symptoms that will eventually kill us around 34. OH BOY! Well okay. With me it was not a surprise. But it was an opportunity to take nutrition and do other things to protect my heart. I know I have many more years and I am going to make sure they are active years.

      You say your tummy feels big. I am not nitpicking at your word choice, when I say, actually measure your waist and hips. Keep a journal if you like. Change this from feelings to facts. I know my body always felt “encumbered”. It took me on into adulthood to realize my body does not flex like it should. I can’t see you so I don’t know. You might benefit from doing stretches that help you build your stomach muscles. Or you may have a bit of a tummy and will lose it once you gain more body muscle everywhere. I am still disappointed that my back does not flex like I think it should and because of that I can feel like my stomach is getting bigger. Sometimes we get these feelings and it is actually something else (such as my back) that needs attention.

    7. SpellingBee*

      Well, your metabolism and body chemistry does change as you age, that’s just the way it is. I’m thirding (fourthing?) the suggestion of weight training. I love it and it’s helped me a lot with trimming down, and also making me stronger, which is pretty important as you get older.

      Personal experience with this issue: I’m turning 61 in a couple of months and started working out with a trainer about 5 years ago. I wish I had started earlier but you do what you can! Also, I found as I got older I couldn’t eat the same way that I had always been accustomed to – not necessarily what I ate, but how much I like sweets but can give them up fairly easily; my real downfall is simply eating more “real” food than I need to. You know, that extra helping of dinner that you help yourself to just because it tastes so good, not because you’re truly hungry for it. It’s good, healthy food, just more than you need. So what I did, in addition to working out regularly, was to make some small changes that I could sustain – no second helpings at dinner, no grazing on empty calorie snacks at work just because they were in the break room, things like that. It took about 18 months but gradually I got back to a weight that I was comfortable with and can keep myself at without stressing over it. Is it what I weighed at 20? No, but I feel good and am happy with the way I look.

      1. Jess*

        I’ve literally just started with a trainer to work on weights and I’m happily surprised so many people have recommended it!

        I think eating more ‘real’ food than I need is possibly key too – I had some disordered eating as a teenager and since then I’ve let myself eat as much of some favourites like Greek yoghurt, fruit, cheese, nuts as I’ve liked. That’s done a really good job of stopping me feeling deprived and keeping me full and my weight stable for the past 10 years. For me restricting food results in a binge after not too long, there’s got to be a middle ground like you’ve found though. I do seem to go in for mindless grazing quite a bit at work.

        1. SpellingBee*

          Yeah, I can’t do the total restriction thing either. If I want a cookie or some bread then I eat it, but I try to limit it to one cookie, or one piece of bread. Also key for me is to make sure that if I “spend the calories” on a cookie, for example, it’s an *excellent* cookie, not just a vending machine package of stale something. I found that as I went along it was easier to pass on the grocery store muffins left over from a morning meeting as not worth the calories, but if it was bagels from the artisanal bagel bakery in Capitol Hill (which are true, chewy, not overly bready bagels) I would be more likely to indulge.

        2. nep*

          Restricting almost always ends badly in this context.
          I like to think of crowding out instead of cutting out. You can eat well and be satiated. Eat a lot of fresh, real food and drink plenty of water. You’ll probably be surprised at how much difference it can make if you’re consistent. Consistency trumps everything.

        3. the gold digger*

          Unfortunately, Greek yoghurt, fruit, cheese, and nuts are very high in calories. Yes, they are also high in protein, but there are lower-calorie sources of protein, like eggs, fish, and lean poultry and meat.

      2. Weekend Warrior*

        Are you me? I’ve lost almost 25 lbs in the last two years by this exact approach. I focus on 3 delicious, nutritious and satisfying meals per day, no second helpings, very limited snacking if at all. No dieting, no suffering! It’s been great and I wish everyone the same food and body peace I feel. I’m 61 and thought the creeping weight gain couldn’t be reversed.

        I’ve recently discovered some similar approaches that some people might enjoy:
        The No S Diet – http://nosdiet.com
        And
        10Principles – https://www.the10principles.com

        Lots of good info with both but 10Principles is my jam. GREAT advice for a great life.

        1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

          I love the concept of the no-s diet. I’m really bad at putting it into practice, though.

    8. Traffic_Spiral*

      Welcome to no longer being a “young adult.” You’re gonna have to work twice as hard for half as much PLUS you gotta be more careful not to injure yourself cause you will not heal like you used to.

      I’m pretty exclusively yoga and weights now. The problem is the eating. I actually ate healthy as a broke student because our school had a nearby farmer’s market, great veggies, and and I didn’t have the time or money to get fancy. Brown rice, grilled chicken, and whatever plants were available. Now I can afford nice wine with my high end pastas, and it’s not doing my ass any favors.

    9. Jenice*

      I’m your age and am in the ( the slow) process of losing the extra weight. Which is so much harder than it was in my twenties.
      The only things that has worked for me, is that I have cut out sugar out of my diet. I don’t drink anything with added sugar, I avoid food with added sugar ( which can be hard). I will eat fruit at times.
      I also significantly cut out carbs. No pasta, no rice, no bread. It may sound extreme, but I feel much better for it. (It’s not as rigid as a keto diet).
      So I understand your struggle, it’s not easy. I think as we get older, we have to be much more aware of how much, and what we eat.

    10. Toonsesthecat*

      Last week I found out I have Hashimotos my thyroid readings have been normal, so it has gone undiagnosed for years. Next dr visit you may want to be tested for it. Usually they wait for a high thyroid test before testing for it.

      1. Whatsinaname*

        I second that. I was sick for five years with a myriad of weird symptoms and kept gaining weight even though my calorie consumption was low but my thyroid readings came back in the ‘normal’ range. It wasn’t until I finally got an appointment with an endocrinologist that my Hashimotos got diagnosed.

    11. Yetanotherjennifer*

      Before I hit my 30s I could pretty much just think about modifying my eating habits and drop a few pounds. That’s generally a benefit of a youthful metabolism and it does end for most people. As you get older you have to be more mindful more often. A couple easy changes are to stop eating when you’re satisfied, or about 80% full, and to eat more slowly. Another technique is to make sure the food you eat has staying power. Make sure each meal or snack contains sugars, carbohydrates, protein and fat so it will last until the next meal. Including all of these gives you balanced energy: as the energy from one winds down the next one is peaking so you don’t have spikes and crashes. And look in your diet for the unnecessary extras like buttering rice before you cover it in curry sauce. Also it can help to acknowledge why you’re eating. If you’re full but eating more because it’s so delicious or eating because you’re bored, that’s ok occasionally, but you’ll be more likely to see a pattern if you recognize you’re doing it.

    12. LilySparrow*

      Are you sleeping well and enough?

      I can do everything else right, but the scale will not budge (or will creep up) if I’m short on sleep – even 3-4 hours short over a week can be a problem.

    13. Triplestep*

      Another vote for tracking calories – I use myfittnesspal dot com.

      I may be in the minority, but I’m of the mind that “diet” is not a dirty word. I know that most people (and professionals) don’t suggest you do anything that you can’t maintain, and I agree. But sometimes it takes drastically changing your eating habits temporarily in order to lose the weight you’ve gained, and then go back to an “everything in moderation” frame of mind.

      I am dieting right now (I’m 55 and have struggled with my weight since before I was your age) and I’m surprised how easy it is to totally rule out food groups when you have a goal in mind and you know it’s just temporary. Yes, eliminating groups of food in large swaths – like sugar or wheat – is considered a crash diet or fad diet. But counting calories only got me so far. I’m now doing a low carb/moderate protein diet knowing I’ll be able to enjoy my favorite foods in moderation later. I have lost 30 pounds so far.

      And lastly, ANY change in eating habits to lose weight comes with the risk that you’ll gain the weight back (typically what people like me on diets hear from naysayers.) Yes, it’s pretty much a guarantee if you go back to your old habits you’ll regain. That’s true if you cut out sugar like I have or just switch from pasta salad for lunch to a green salad like you can do.

      Good luck!

    14. Cat Herder*

      Honey, every decade from now on it gets harder to maintain your weight and even harder to take weight off!

    15. Alicia Florrick*

      This was so me a while back, so certainly I’m replying here from a place of personal experience.

      You may consider checking full thyroid panel with T3 and T4 variants with a holistic or integrative medical professional. The conventional western metrics and thresholds for TSH sometimes aren’t the best and only measurements of thyroid function. There’s a ton of good advice in here that could be beneficial for all, thyroid disorders have so many overlapping symptoms in other health issues that are easy enough to explain away. Thyroid hormones affect nearly all body processes. May also consider adrenal stress and gut inflammation, which also are more on the holistic medicine radars.

      1. Julia*

        I’d probably also insist on testing antibodies and doing an ultrasound. Preferably with a doctor that comes recommended by people you know or thyroid patients online.

        1. Jess*

          That’s interesting- I had antibody tests a couple of years ago and I get TSH, T3 and T4 checked every 6 months – for a while my TSH was rising steadily and I was borderline hypothyroid, but an iron infusion for an unrelated issue popped it right back into the normal range. There’s Hashimotos in my family and I have a whole host of other autoimmune stuff, but for the past couple of years my TSH has been firmly where it should be. I managed to be diagnosed with coeliac disease despite a negative antibody test though, so I’m not sure how much store I should put by antibody tests for other issues.

          1. Julia*

            I’ve read that insufficient iron can hinder the conversion of thyroid hormones, and getting the iron up helps there, but I’m obviously not a doctor.

    16. Triple Anon*

      I would talk to your doctor about it again, or talk to a different doctor. Unexplained weight changes aren’t first world problems; they can be a sign that something is wrong. And yes, people’s metabolism can slow due to age or stress, but it’s not something to ignore.

      As for losing weight, I would start by eating more fruits and vegetables, preferrably raw. A wide variety of fruits and vegetables. That should help. And try to find ways to get more exercise.

    17. Kuododi*

      I’d really encourage you to have a consultation with an endocrinologist if you haven’t already. The endo who was monitoring me when I first had my thyroid crisis ( mystery weight gain, mass on RT side of thyroid, crazy awful levels.) he SD most internists, gyn, family MD etc don’t have the extra experience to know when thyroid levels are beginning to be off balance. He SD judging by the## I was steadily going off level probably for previous 2-3 years. All that to say….one thyroidectomy and alot of meds later… I am feeling more like a human being. Now my story is one of the more extreme experience…. please don’t read this and press any panic button. If you and your mds work out a good treatment plan and don’t need an endocrinologist… fantastic!!! If you do, that’s great as well! Blessings to you during this difficult time.

  8. Lcsa99*

    Sometimes it seems like all artists do these days is redo other people’s works. Fortunately some of them are actually good! What are some cover versions of songs that you think are actually better than the original? I think my favorites are:

    Respect- hard to believe Aretha Franklin’s version was not the original. But with all that sass, how could it not be better than Otis Redding’s original? And it’s funny, but listening to them both, it’s like Otis Redding is channeling a Ralph Kramden while Aretha would be totally channeling Alice.

    Tainted Love – originally by Gloria Jones, Soft Cell’s version just shows so much frustration and desperation, I think it really expresses the message the lyrics are trying to share.

    Mad World – originally by Tears For Fears, the version by Gary Jules and Michael Andrews does and incredible job of sharing the lost and lonely feeling of those lyrics

    And as a bonus:

    Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds – I may get reamed out for saying someone could do anything better than the Beatles’ original, but I think William Shatner’s version (which is more spoken word than singing) does an amazing job of expressing all the feelings someone on a drug trip might be going through. If you haven’t heard it, you must find it now!

    1. BRR*

      I will always love you – I love dolly’s version but Whitney’s version is iconic

      Hallelujah – Pick your favorite version. I think Jeff Buckley’s is the best

      1. bassclefchick*

        I’m probably the only person I’ve met that absolutely HATES Whitney’s version. There is no “E” sound in the word “I”! WAY too much ornamentation. It’s a simple song about saying goodbye and Whitney ruined it.

        As for Hallelujah, I think my favorite version is the Canadian Tenors.

        1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

          I also have mixed feelings about Whitney’s “I Will Always Love You,” for the same reasons, but her version of the US national anthem is still the gold standard for me. I generally think our national anthem is not a pretty song (again, going to end up on a watch list somewhere), but Whitney’s rendition… WOW.

          1. BRR*

            I think I like the versus more than the chorus. And sometimes I want the dolly version.

            I’m with you on the national anthem. A couple “covers” (to stick with the theme of this post) are good like Whitney and Gaga but for the most part ugh. Maybe it’s from being in band and playing it all the time.

    2. Villanelle*

      Wonderwall by Ryan Adams. Haunting which is not what you can call the original Oasis version! Some of his Taylor Swift covers are very good as well.

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        Paul Anka did a big-band cover of Wonderwall. Talk about a Twilight Zone experience!

        3. Lcsa99*

          Paul Anka is such a delightful weirdo. That one reminds me of Richard Cheese’s version of Enter Sandman.

    3. KayEss*

      My favorite better-than-the-original cover is Cascada’s version of the Rascal Flatts’ “What Hurts the Most.” Mopey country turned into europop/dance! Feels a bit like modern ABBA. (Speaking of ABBA… cannot wait for the Cher ABBA cover album this month!)

      I love covers in general, but there are a few songs that I’m a snobby purist about… like show me a cover of “The Sound of Silence” and I will show you THE DOOR because HOW DARE YOU. (Yes, even the Disturbed one. Fight me.)

    4. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      I had no idea Aretha’s version of Respect was a cover and not the original. My mind is completely blown!

      These covers are not necessarily *better* than the original, but I love them because the creative liberty they take on the originals works so well:
      –“You’ve Lost that Loving Feeling” by the Human League — It’s so desolate sounding compared to the original, almost eerie, but it works so well with the song’s lyrics.
      –“Message in a Bottle” by Machine Head — a really awesome heavy metal cover of the Police original.
      –“Satisfaction” by Devo — it’s just so out there.
      –“Across the Universe” by David Bowie — just heard this one for the first time and it was absolutely mind blowing.
      –Basically any cover by Type O Negative. They’re another metal band that’s covered everything from the Beatles to 70s yacht rock to “Hedwig and the Angry Inch.”

      I’m sure I’ll think of a lot more as the day goes on but these are the first ones that came to my mind!

      1. Lcsa99*

        I love heavy metal covers of songs. Like KMFDM’s version of Material Girl, but have to agree that Type O Negative is awesome. I particularly love their versions of Summer Beeeze and Daytripper

          1. Lcsa99*

            Just listened. That’s AWESOME. Doesn’t really sound like a Judas Priest song but it sounds nothing like the original.

      2. Waiting for the Sun*

        Librarian, along those lines, I like how Postmodern Jukebox reinterprets songs. Also Haysed Dixie’s tribute to AC/DC.

      3. TardyTardis*

        The Pointer Sisters’ version of “Fire”. Though I will have to admit that Robin Williams’ singing “Fire” in the voice of Elmer Fudd will not leave my brain, along with Lee Marvin’s “Wandering Star”.

      4. Sarah G*

        Patti Smith’s cover of Bob Dylan’s “A Hard Rain’s A-Gonna Fall” at the Nobel Price ceremony is truly awe-inspiring. It took my breath away. The video is easily found online.

      2. Lcsa99*

        She also did a cover of Wooly Bully that was a lot of fun (though about even with the original). Basically, Joan Jett is awesome.

      4. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        I’m learning so much today. I knew many of Joan Jett’s songs are covers, but I never knew “I Love Rock and Roll” was a cover. Mind blown (again).

    7. A.N. O'Nyme*

      Obligatory mention of “The Sound of Silence” by Disturbed here. One of the very few songs where I prefer the cover to the original – even if the original was Simon & Garfunkel.

      1. LuJessMin*

        I LOVE Disturbed’s version! It’s so unexpected and grand.

        I think one of my favorite covers is “Hurt” by Johnny Cash. Even Trent Reznor has said it’s no longer his song, it’s Johnny’s.

        And I also love t.A.T.u’s version of “How Soon is Now”.

        1. A.N. O'Nyme*

          Apparently doing that song is also when the singer found out just how impressive his vocal range is.

        2. Lcsa99*

          I think the version of How Soon Is Now by the Psychedelic Furs (that they used for the Charmed theme song) was great.

    8. Waiting for the Sun*

      Another fan of Soft Cell’s version of “Tainted Love” here.
      Two Dylan songs:
      “I’ll Keep It With Mine” – Nico
      “All Along The Watchtower “ – Jimi Hendrix
      If you like Soft Cell, you might like Marc Almond and Jimmy Somerville’s version of “I Feel Love.” Not better than the original, but an intriguing take.

    9. GermanGirl*

      Demons, originally by Imagine Dragons but covered by Sam Tsui and Max Schneider. I hate the original but the cover is on my to ten favorite songs list.

      On the topic of Sound of Silence I’m a purist. I don’t like the cover by Disturbed, because it’s missing the parts with two voices.

      1. Handy Nickname*

        Anthem Lights did a cover of Demons a few years back and it is stunning (also not a fan of the original).

      1. LJay*

        I didn’t know that this was a cover until just now. After listening to the Roger Miller version I still much prefer the Janis Joplin version.

    12. Square Root Of Minus One*

      Oooh, new music to check out. Awesome :)

      Jeff Buckley’s Hallelujah and Gary Jules’ Mad World are delights to me.
      But most of my favorite covers would be unknowns, found on Youtube, that have a take on a song I find interesting. A Daft Punk “Get Lucky” cover with just voice and harp comes to my mind.

      There is really something to having other takes on songs that you love. I write songs (well, mostly I ambition to, but life has gotten in the way and my pen hasn’t shed any ink in some time now) and I’ve been known to toy with the idea of covering songs by rearranging, changing this and that. Now, I need the right state of mind and the time, for my ideas ever to come to pass.

    13. Waiting for the Sun*

      Guess it would be cheating to mention The Doors’ covers or “Alabama Song, “Back Door Man, and “Who Do You Love,” because I’ve listened to them so much more than the originals.

      Thanks for starting this thread – love to talk about music.

    15. Not So NewReader*

      It’s amazing how many songs have been redone.

      There’s a redo I like but I don’t know who does it, maybe you folks can tell me.

      I call it The Stalker Song (I”ll be watching you) is mixed with rap (draws blank here) and changed it to “I’ll be missing you”. I was really like how that was done.

      1. bassclefchick*

        The original was Every Breath You Take by the Police and the cover was I’ll Be Missing You by Puff Daddy.

        1. Chocolate Teapot*

          It was on French and Saunders, rather then a chart release, but there is a baroque version of “I should be so lucky” with strings and harpsichord. And can I also give a mention to The Piano Guys superb “I want you Bach”?

          1. OyHiOh*

            I love The Piano Guys so much.

            Also, Richard Grayson, a classical improvisationist who performed such epics as March of the Valkyries in the style of a tango. It’s on YouTube. . .

    16. MsChanandlerBong*

      I like the Dixie Chicks’ version of “Landslide” better than the Stevie Nicks version. However, I will say that’s because I heard/got to know the Dixie Chicks’ version first. Once I know how to sing a song a certain way, it’s hard for me to adjust to another version (I love to sing). Same thing with “I Will Always Love You.” Dolly’s version is amazing, but I heard Whitney’s version first. Ditto “Smooth Criminal” done by Alien Ant Farm.

      1. ainomiaka*

        I do too on the dixie chicks. They actually do a few covers that I think are at least as good as the originals.

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        For MANY years, before I got into Bowie, I thought Nirvana’s “Man Who Sold the World” was the original. I’m making it very obvious here that I was born in the 1980s, but… I went to the Bowie exhibit at the Brooklyn Museum this year, heard Bowie singing “Man Who Sold the World,” and was like… what on earth is this?!?

          1. Seeking Second Childhood*

            Another is “Hooked on a Feeling” by Blue Swede (I had to go look the group up even but it’ll now be in my head for hours.)

    18. fposte*

      Oh, what a fun topic! I like the ones that really take the song out of its original musical context, so Kronos Quartet’s Purple Rain and Palast Orchester’s Oops, I Did It Again (really, most of Palast Orchester’s covers could be here) are up there. I also really love Nouvelle Vague’s covers (In a Manner of Speaking might be my favorite).

      I also find that slowing a song down and simplifying the orchestration or straight out going acoustic can make a dark-edged song more chilling, which I enjoy; examples are Rosie Thomas’s The One I Love and a cover of White Wedding by a band, Whip, I’ve never heard of anywhere but on my Pandora stream.

      If people know of other bands that specialize in really transformative covers I’d love to hear about them!

        2. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

          A band named Bigwig does a punk version of the theme from Cheers. It’s amazing!

    19. Waiting for the Sun*

      Talking Heads’ version of “Take Me to the River.” I feel the singer’s angst more in their version while retaining respect for the original.

      Ike & Tina Turner ‘s “Proud Mary.”

      1. Not So NewReader*

        A big thumbs up for Ike and Tina for there version of “Proud Mary”, man, they put so much energy into that song. Now that was one song I never thought of as being made better, I love CCR.

    20. SRRPNW*

      Dolly Parton’s bluegrass version of Travelin’ Prayer by Billy Joel. And Sinead O’connor’s cover of Dagger through the Heart by Dolly Parton.

    21. Red Reader*

      David Bowie’s “Heroes” as covered by Apocalyptica with Till Lindeman (of Rammstein) singing.

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        Holy cow. That was awesome, and… intense! I’m not sure that was supposed to be an angry song. Then again, pretty much everything in German sounds angry to me!

    23. Annie Moose*

      Nightwish has some great covers. I can’t listen to the original Symphony of Destruction (Megadeth) without feeling that it’s missing something (where “something” means “Tarja’s amazing voice”), and Over the Hills and Far Away (Gary Moore) is just an amazing song.

      I’m also very fond of their cover of Phantom of the Opera, but I don’t know if I’d say it’s better than the original–just also very, very good. Tarja always does great operatic vocals, of course, but I love Marco Hietala as the Phantom. His voice is so perfect.

      1. TardyTardis*

        Reel Big Fish’s remix of “Take on Me” by a-ha. I like their original music, but they need to shoot their lyricist and get a new one (sighs).

      2. Annie Moose*

        It just came on Spotify, so here’s another one: Dream Evil’s cover of My Number One (from 2005 Eurovision). A metal cover with a male singer gives the song a very different feel.

    24. OyHiOh*

      Pentatonix cover of Bohemian Rhapsody

      Maccabeats covers of Les Miserables, Brave, and Home. For good measure, throw in their parodies of Hamilton and Gangam Style because you only live once.

      Anything covered by Post Modern Jukebox

    25. Nervous Accountant*

      Ed Sheeran did a cover of Trap queen (ferry was) and “drunk in love” by Beyoncé… their versions are great but I cherish Ed’s versions.. lol.

    26. Anonymosity*

      You beat me to Mad World. I like the Gary Jules version so much better, though I love Tears for Fears. And the Soft Cell “Tainted Love.”

      Beck did a really good cover of the Korgis “Everybody’s Got to Learn Sometime” and it was in the Eternal Sunshine of the Spottless Mind soundtrack. I had a 45 of the original song (yeah, I’m old; shut up LOL) and I like both of them, and I usually don’t like covers very much.

      Sinead O’Connor covering Prince’s “Nothing Compares 2U.”

    27. Chaordic One*

      I’m a big fan of the Carpenters and was surprised to learn that while Richard Carpenter wrote a few of their songs, most of them are cover versions. “Close to You” is a bit corny, but it was their version was an enormous improvement over the original that was first recorded by Dionne Warwick and which went no where. Some of the Carpenters’ songs are overproduced, the arrangements a bit cheesy, and they haven’t all aged well, but there’s always Karen Carpenter’s lovely voice. (I’m especially fond of “Rainy Days and Mondays.”)

    28. Cat Herder*

      Walk this way — Run DMC, Aerosmith original
      Somebody that I used to know — Walk off the earth, Gotye original
      In the pines — traditional song, but I’m not sure which version is scarier, Kurt Cobain or Lead Belly

    29. Woman of a Certain Age*

      I’m a big fan of the cover band, “Scott Bradlee’s Postmodern Jukebox,” which features a rotating cast of lead singers, many of whom were the runners up on TV Talent shows. In the middle of a song tap dancers will suddenly appear, or music stands will get accidentally get knocked over, or the musicians will be making faces and odd gestures. Some of my favorite PMJ cover versions on YouTube are:

      Maps – originally done by Maroon 5 covered with lead singer Morgan James
      Boulevard of Broken Dreams – originally done by Green Day covered with lead singer Maiya Sykes
      Only One – originally done by Kenye West covered with lead singer Emily West
      Colors of the Wind – originally from the “Pocahontas” Disney movie soundtrack covered with lead singer Mario Jose
      Rude – originally done by Magic covered with lead singer Von Smith
      Stacy’s Mom – originally done by Fountains of Wayne covered with lead singer Casey Abrams
      Closer – originally done by The Killers covered with lead singer Kenton Chen
      Mr. Brightside – originally done by The Killers covered with lead singer Blake Lewis
      All the Small Things – originally done by Blink 182 covered with lead singer Puddles Pity Party

      I even went to one of their concerts all dressed up and had a great time. It was a hoot. (Sorry this post turned out longer than I intended.)

      1. OyHiOh*

        Their version of Gangsters Paradise is one of my favorites. It’s done in the style of a 1920s flapper tune, for those who don’t know PMJ and the tune and setting **work.** Surprising how timeless the song turns out to be.

    30. Cat Herder*

      Toxic, cover by the Chaplin Sisters. Britney Spears version is good but this cover gives me the chills!

    31. tra la la*

      I don’t think it’s necessarily *better* than the original (I like them both!) but I love Maxence Cyrin’s cover of “Where Is My Mind”.

    32. Marion Ravenwood*

      Two of my favourites:

      Arctic Monkeys’ version of Love Machine (originally by Girls Aloud)
      Dixie Chicks’ version of Daddy Lessons

    33. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      I really hate cover versions that are just a band doing a song exactly the same way as the original, especially when the original is still very popular. Like the current Weezer version of Toto’s “Africa”, which sounds almost exactly the same.

      Some good ones, though:

      Bigod 20 “Like a Prayer”
      Sisters of Mercy “Jolene”
      The Cure “Foxy Lady”

    34. Villanelle*

      I like the mama’s and papa’s version equally as much but Amason’s cover of California Dreamin’ which I discovered from the limited tv series 10 Days in the Valley (possibly the best thing about the show!) is beautiful.

    35. Katie the Fed*

      Eva Cassidy’s version of Fields of Gold. Honestly, ALL of Eva Cassidy’s covers. Amazing voice. You won’t regret looking her up.

      I haaaaaate the Weezer cover of Africa.

    36. Le Sigh*

      Not better, just amazing in its own right — Neko Case’s cover of “Runnin’ Out of Fools.” Haunting and beautiful. I love her voice.

    37. Deus Cee*

      How has no one mentioned With a little help from my friends by Joe Cocker? I love that song in both its original form and his version, so completely different that it was actually worth doing the cover! (I hate covers which add absolutely nothing, or worse, detract from the original – Paloma Faith’s Make your own kind of music was terrible, and I’m not liking Cher’s ABBA cover at all).

  9. Scavenger hunt*

    I am taking part in a scavenger hunt next week. Does anyone have any tips about strategies? Is it better to divide the list among each of you or go in pairs? I’m the leader of a team (4 altogether). It’s run by an oitside company to fit our location so nobody knows any other details.
    Thanks!

    1. Kate Daniels*

      Dividing is more efficient (and increases your chance of winning), but pairs is much more fun. So, I suppose it depends on if your team values the prize more or the experience more!

    2. acmx*

      Is this Big City/ scavenger hunt dot com? I just did it in my city.
      If so, it was kind of a pain to get it started (I wasn’t the leader) so if you can, read whatever email you get and check out the app ahead of time. Try to wander around. The app doesn’t really lead you anywhere (ours was billed as art scene) we had the impression it would least you to statues etc.

      Have fun!

    3. Marion Ravenwood*

      I’d say pairs. If it’s multi day or over a large area, it might be easier with multiple people. Plus if anything goes wrong you have someone to go get help if needed.

      Also I’d suggest a WhatsApp group for team members so you can message each other when you find things, ask for help on clues etc. Have fun and good luck!

  10. Loopy*

    My current obsession is really unique, interesting salads/ dressings. I mean traditional leafy salads (more so I don’t have to touch a pot/oven to cook a grain). If anyone has recs, throw them my way. For example, I had this Thai coconut curry salad and the dressing was both to die for AND something I would have never ever thought to put on a salad.

    Also, if anyone’s ever heard of Poke Brothers, yesterday I went and made a bowl with a salad base. Would have never combined seaweed salad, avocado, corn, edamame, etc. myself and never with a sweet soy dressing, but I LOVED IT. If anyone knows of them and has a rec for a sweet soy sauce similar that I can buy PLEASE tell me what it is. I want to try and do something similar at home. I also would love to know how long prepped seaweed salad lasts?

    Bouncing between cake baking obsession and salad obsession is probably one of my weirder experiences, haha.

    2. Square Root Of Minus One*

      I don’t know Poke Brothers (international reader), but a good sweet soy sauce I know of is made with treacle.
      About 1 volume to 4 volumes of soy sauce and 3 volumes of sugar IIRC, but it’s to be fine tuned to one’s taste. Boil all till the sugar is dissolved and let cool.

    3. BeenThere*

      May not be so unique, but I absolutely love a salad with a few shallots (thinly sliced and fried) on top. Adds a whole different taste to any salad… IMHO.

    4. CAA*

      If you can get your hands on a copy of “Salt, Fat, Acid, Heat” by Samin Nosrat, do! This cookbook has an excellent section on salads. In addition to a lot of recipes, there are these little charts that help you understand how the different ingredients work together. It completely changed how I make salads and they are so much better now. I originally borrowed this book from the library and liked it so much I ended up buying it.

    5. rogue axolotl*

      I really like this intense lemon-caper dressing: https://www.myrecipes.com/recipe/lemon-caper-vinaigrette. You have to be okay with a very powerful lemon flavour, otherwise it won’t be for you. If you don’t want to bother supreming the lemons, you can just squeeze the juice and scrape out some of the pulp, although it’s not quite the same. Goes well with olives, artichoke hearts, red peppers, tomatoes.

  11. Bumble of nerves*

    The BFF thing on Bumble is a whole different kettle of fish to the dating thing. For one thing, youre obviously not going to be exclusive, but also, I have no idea how to navigate things afterwards.

    I just came from a brunch with two girls I’d met on BFF, but they knew each already, so it felt a little bit like I was trying to break into a group (a small one, but still). Now I’m not sure what the next step would be. I mean do you message an ask to hang out again? What if they didn’t like me? It was all friendly enough and the conversation was easy, but what if they were just being nice?

    Ugh, wish I wasn’t so socially awkward…

    1. Waiting for the Sun*

      Bumble BFF sounds like a setup for awkwardness, so I don’t think it’s just you. I’ve found compatible female friends through
      Meetup, Unitarian church, Spark People (healthy lifestyle site with local groups).
      Best wishes.

    2. Triplestep*

      I don’t know a lot about this, but brunch with two girls who already know each other sounds like a set up for awkwardness! Have you tried this thing one woman at a time? Or with two others, but they haven’t met yet?

      I just would not blame yourself for this being awkward – I’m not sure how it could not have been!

  12. Red Reader*

    Oh Snark the Wonderful! Recommendations for sous vide that can go directly from water box to freezer (with some cooling time) for time saving! I tend to go more for herby than spicy personally and chicken/fish/pork over beef, but the only real no-no is avocado. (Would you sous vide avocado anyway, or would it just get mushy and squash?)

    Many appreciations, and I can trade dessert recipes?

    1. Snark*

      Awriiiiight, let’s do this.

      What kinds of cuisines do you generally tend to gravitate towards? I don’t want to blast you with taco recipes if you prefer Mediterranean, for example.

      1. Red Reader*

        Tacos/Tex-mex, Mediterranean, Italian are all good. Husband likes Middle Eastern and specifically Turkish – he’s the foodie in our household. We’re kind of hit or miss on southeast Asian (have tried some Korean and Vietnamese, with varying levels of success) but willing to experiment. Housemates will mostly eat whatever I put in front of them :)

  13. This Sucks*

    I posted last weekend about discovering bed bugs. I’m happy to say that we’re back in our bedroom and are feeling a lot better about it. We sprayed, spread diatomaceous earth all over the bedroom, put the ClimbUps under the bed legs, got a total mattress encasement (luckily Sleep Number sells one made specifically for their beds and it wasn’t horribly expensive), put everything through the dryer on mega high heat (we tested the temp and our high heat cycle gets up to 145!), threw a bunch of clothing out that my husband had on the floor next to the bed, put on the pillow encasements (new pillows for the husband), and then treated ourselves to a very cushy new mattress pad just because. We’re pretty confident that it didn’t go beyond the bed and the clothing on the floor. We can’t find any evidence anywhere else that there are bugs–we’ve looked, re-looked and looked again. But we still didn’t tell a soul…

    2. Seeking Second Childhood*

      A librarian friend told me they’ve been spotted hitchhiking on books…. at which point I converted to the church of Kindle. Cuckoo for KindlePuffs that’s me.
      A social worker friend got exposed through a client…happily he already had a habit of immediately undressing in the bathroom after work and showering, so his issue was limited to the clothes & one room. May your fight be equally as successful as his!

  14. Kate Daniels*

    The last book of my favorite series came out this week (see username) and I have been planning for ages to spend the long weekend relaxing and enjoying the book. It’s also supposed to thunderstorm all weekend, which is my favorite reading weather! But I’m not quite ready to open it up. Does anyone else have trouble picking up the last book in a series because you aren’t quite ready to end the story? Sometimes I think I enjoy the anticipation more than anything.

    2. Julianne (also a teacher)*

      I had a lot of trouble picking up the two most recent books in my favorite series, because I knew a major character was going to die in the first*, and that the other characters were going to spend the following book dealing with their grief and I wasn’t sure I was entirely prepared to handle it.

      (*The news of this major character’s death was actually revealed at the end of the previous book, so I knew for sure it was coming.)

    3. Red Reader*

      Not usually with books, but I’ve been putting off watching the series finale of Sense8 for similar reasons.

    4. Loves Libraries*

      I remember not wanting to finish the Millennium series by Steig Larson after he died. Fortunately it has been picked up by another author.

    5. only acting normal*

      It took me a year before I could bear to read the last Discworld novel after Terry Pratchett died, and the same for the Culture series when Iain M Banks died.

      2. Manatees are cool*

        I had a hard time reading The Shepherds Crown. You could definitely tell a few chapters in that the story was a goodbye from him. It was more somber in tone than his other discworld books.

    6. HannahS*

      OMG I just read the Innkeeper series this week! I’m about to start Kate Daniels. I completely relate. I’ve never actually seen the last episode of M*A*S*H, despite blowing through the series in my last year of high school.

      1. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

        I’m a HUGE Ilona Andrews fan! I have not yet read the last book – because it IS the last book! But they said that there will be other books (with different leads) and Kate & crew will show up, so yay!
        Innkeeper was my intro to the Andrew’s. Love Fridays!
        You might enjoy the Jane Yellowrock series by Faith Hunter, and Soulwood as well. So far there are only 3 Soulwood books, but there are 12 Jane books (I think there’s going to be 14) – and a bunch of shorts and novellas! Same world, some crossover.
        I started with Soulwood, but that is later in the timeline. I’m not quite sure when Jane meets Nell, but I just finished Jane book 6 and it hasn’t happened yet.
        I’m a bit wrapped up with the series right now, I had double major surgery a few weeks ago and I can’t do anything! I’m reading, a LOT!

        1. Kate Daniels*

          Thank you for the additional book recs! I also enjoy the Mercy Thompson and Alpha & Omega series by Patricia Briggs. I picked them up because they were always recommended alongside Kate Daniels. I hope you are recovering from your surgery well and am glad that at least you’re getting in some extra reading time (even if you are going a bit stir crazy at this point!).

          1. Annie Moose*

            I love Patricia Briggs’ stuff! Have you read the Kitty Norville series by Carrie Vaughn? They have a lot of similarities in style (I read them first, and someone suggested the Mercy Thompson series to me based on them). The protagonist is a werewolf who is also a radio DJ and ends up with her own supernatural radio show.

            2. Seeking Second Childhood*

              Just read one of her ‘Alpha & Omega’ books this weekend.
              I’ll throw Charles de Lint at you — try ‘Someplace To Be Flying’ as a start to see if you like it.
              For something by a new author with an off-beat sense of humor, try ‘The Queen’s Wings” (ebook) by Jamie K. Schmidt.

      2. Tau*

        I don’t know if you already know this, but Ilona Andrews has been posting an Innkeeper novella (featuring Maud, Helen and Arland) for free on her website. I check every Friday for updates.

        My personal UF series rec is the October Daye series by Seanan McGuire. I love that series!

    7. Book Lover*

      I waited until I had a day to spend on it, and kept taking little breaks to slow it down. It was good, and I won’t give you spoilers, but (and I love that the authors wanted a happily ever after) sometimes the HEA may have gotten ahead of the story a bit. And a couple of the characters just weirdly were missing for the whole book or showed up and then not mentioned again. The last book of a series is always difficult, and in this case they will still be playing in the universe and even still with Kate in shorter arcs, so I think that made it harder also.

      I am starting the series over and looking forward to more innkeeper and diamond fire.

    8. Khlovia*

      I have still deliberately not read the last three or four Pratchett books. I hate Alzheimer’s so bad. That was not fair and not right and horrible and wrong.

    9. Manatees are cool*

      Well you never know if there is going to be a brand new series with the same characters. Apparently Louise Rennison was working on a new Georgia Nicholson book before her untimely death and Katherine Woodfine has brought out a brand new book featuring her old characters even though the series had been neatly wrapped up although the genre changed from mystery to spy novel. And the Harry Potter series has been carried on with Fantastic Beasts, Pottermore and Cursed Child. I remember feeling in a state of shock when Deathly Hallows part 2 came out even though I had waited years for it.

    10. Engineering consultant*

      Hehe I *was* wondering about your username for a couple weeks since I noticed it, but now I have confirmation. :)

      I was a little apprehensive in starting to read Magic Triumphs, but then I sped through it because I really wanted to see how they wrapped things up. I think it also helps that I know they still have two books to go in the Iron Covenant series, so we’re not quite done with the KD universe yet.

    11. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Definitely. I have one novella left by a favorite writer who died too young, and I’ve held off reading it for years.
      (‘The Nutcracker Coup’ by Janet Kagan.)

  15. Washi*

    I’ve seen this come up in other threads a little bit – do you have friends you consider family? It seems like some people fall very much on the “my friends are family to me” side and some find that to be sort of an impossible notion.

    For me, although my friendships are really important to me, I just have one friend I would consider family. We’ve known each other since we were 10, hang out with each other’s families, and I honestly forget we’re not related sometimes. My best friend though actually feels more like a life partner connection rather than family. I have a romantic life partner (my husband) and a platonic partner (bestie) but I don’t get the same cousin vibe from her.

    1. Red Reader*

      I do. The friends that I live with, I regard as siblings. We know each other’s families, they’ve been on vacation with me and mine, and generally around my house, when someone refers to “a family thing” they’re talking about the four of us, not their bio family. I’ve lived with one of them for six years and the other for three, and we have all (including my husband, who doesn’t do the “friends as family” thing himself) known each other for at least eight years, longer in some combinations.

      1. Red Reader*

        I do also have a biological brother and sister, but I’m not very close with either of them and don’t see them more than once or twice a year.

    2. Jack Be Nimble*

      I’ve got a lot of friends I consider family! I think this is really, really common among queer folx, as a lot of us (unfortunately) still experience varying degrees of rejection/alienation from our families of origin.

    3. HannahS*

      Yeah. I have one friend in particular, where I just had the “Is she a friend or is she family?” talk with myself, because her behaviour towards me has been not-great for a long time (related to her mental illness, but it still sucks to be on the receiving end) and I decided that I love her enough to see her as family. To me, that means I don’t break the relationship unless it’s abusive. She and I may drift together and apart over the course of our lives, but she’s still in my life, almost no matter what. To me that’s the distinction. Whereas a friend, if the relationship is more bad than good, I’ll let it go and not feel any need to pick it up later and see if the parts are salvageable.

      1. Washi*

        I think this is most similar to me – if I say someone is like family, I think that means that our relationship doesn’t depend on how I feel about them at any given time, it just is. Like if my brother was awful, I could stop speaking to him for a while, but he would still be my brother. And if my cousin-friend and I stopped speaking, she would never really stop being a part of my life, even if there’s not a good title for what she is to me.

        Whereas with both my husband and my best friend, I’m closer to them than anyone in the world, but how I feel about them does matter for our relationship, and it feels like a totally different category of thing because it could end, theoretically (which would be devastating.)

    4. Drama Llama*

      I have close friends I love but they are not the same as family.

      Family bonds to me are unique. If my family needed it, I would give them my home, kidney, whatever, without any hesitation. I love them unconditionally and I know they love me unconditionally.

      Friends are different. There are boundaries and more narrowly defined limits on what I would do for and accept from them.

    5. Lissa*

      I’m not really close to my family, so… I don’t know, it’s a confusing concept to me. There are friends I’m much closer to than I am to say, my brother (and I like my brother!) and so I can’t say I consider them family because to me that word isn’t coded to be about how *close* the friendship is, but more about blood ties or having grown up with them.

      I don’t have any friendships that have lasted since childhood, so I imagine if I did I might feel more family-ish towards them.

      1. Nines*

        I think I identify most with this. I’ve always been a little confused or felt like an outsider when people said that about their friends. And not because I’m not close my friends, but that saying they are family doesn’t mean a whole lot to me…
        However, I suppose I have a tendency to be fiercely loyal to my family and close friends. So maybe if I used that as my definition of what family is, it would make more sense to me.

        1. Gaia*

          The loyal thing makes sense. I struggle with this because my family isn’t particularly close. And I am incredibly close with my best friend. But if I view it from a “who do I defend and maintain loyalty to at all junctions” angle, my family and best friend are the only ones that qualify.

    6. Ender*

      I don’t. I think it might be because I have such a huge family though. I can see why someone who doesn’t have a big family would consider friends to the family.

      When I was a teenager I had one friend who was like a sister to me but we had a big fight and cut each other out of our lives totally – which isn’t really an option with actual sisters. So I think that contributes to my believe that they aren’t the same thing.

      1. Wishing You Well*

        Actually, sometimes close family members have to be totally cut out of your life. I hope it’s rare, but there are truly toxic people who must be gone for your safety or mental health. The quality of a relationship is based on people’s character and actions, not how you know them (family or friend).
        I’m hoping you all have good people in your lives.

        1. Ender*

          Well when you’re a teenager sharing a room with your sister it’s pretty difficult to cut her out of your life entirely! But definitely possible with a friend.

    7. TardyTardis*

      There are Good Friends and then there are Real Friends–the saying goes, ‘good friends help you move, real friends help you move bodies’. Some friends are friends for decades, and though I don’t think they’d help me move a body–though I expect it would depend on whose it was–they are definitely friends through ‘sick and sin’ in re LACE by Shirley Conran. Yes, that book was waayyy over the top, but it nailed it about women’s friendships.

    8. anon here*

      The friends as family thing can set up conflict. My family raised me with lots of boundaries (don’t invite friends to religious services & family events) and I have a close friend whose family was very different (invite friends to religious services, family events, etc). It was pretty awkward because her family was always like, “Come to cousin Sally’s wedding!” and my family was like, “No, people who aren’t relatives by blood or marriage are not invited to this Easter lunch.”

    9. The New Wanderer*

      I do have (or have had) friends that I thought of kind of like sisters, but not because we were particularly close. More because we could be out of touch for a year or more, but then get back in touch and not feel distant. I could never not care about them. I have no idea if they feel the same though, it’s just kind of how I frame it in my head.

      For context, I have one brother that I’m not close with, that’s just not our relationship, but we get along when we are together and care about each other even if it’s months between connecting. Very small and distant extended family on both sides, through my entire life I saw my aunts/uncles every few years and barely know my own cousins. Side effect of being in a military family and moving far away.

    10. Gaia*

      I had a friend I considered family. It made the end of of our friendship so much harder.

      My best friend, I wouldn’t call her family. She is her own category. Life partner is probably pretty close to what I would call it if I put words to it. But really, she’s just my person.

    11. LAMM*

      Yup. When I think of what I consider my “core family” and only a few on the list who are blood related to me.

      I’d list my sisters (technically half-sisters), brother, aunt (dad’s sister-in-law. My uncle passed or he’d be on this list too), her sister and family (husband and kids), and two friends (one who I’ve known since elementary school, the other high school). These are my people, my ride or dies. These are the ones I’d want by my side if shit hit the fan. And I’d be right there for them.

      My parents I’d put in the scope of a typical aunt/uncle. You see and talk to them maybe a dozen of times a year, but they only know the superficial you. I have a whole slew of “aunts/uncle’s/cousins” who are family friends who fall into this category as well. My grandparents and actual aunts and uncles, I’d put one step out from that. I’d be hard pressed to recognize my cousins walking down the street.

      But I also grew up with parents who (perhaps inadvertently) taught me that blood is not thicker than water and you choose your “family” by choosing those who are closest to you.

    12. ainomiaka*

      I absolutely do think that some friends are truer family than blood, but that’s partly because of strained blood relationships making it impossible to be myself.

    13. Triple Anon*

      I feel that way about friends who I go way back with. I come from a troubled family and so do a lot of my friends. And we’re part of a pretty small community, so we’re kind of like a family. It is a dysfunctional family, though. I’ve been a little distant from everyone lately. But when we see each other, it’s more of a family type of thing than a friend thing.

    14. Revanche @ A Gai Shan Life*

      Definitely. My surviving family of origin is awful and were always varying degrees of manipulative and abusive when I was growing up. I found friends who became my chosen family, along with their families, instead. While I’m sad about the loss of my nuclear family, I have two entire surrogate families who are far kinder and generous of spirit to me than my blood family ever were, and I also have friends made in the last decade or so with whom we have shared so much love and deep pain it’s inconceivable not to think of them as family. Our bonds were forged by being lifelines for each other and that’s a thing my family of origin has never done for me. At least not in the last 30 years. Family isn’t just blood. Family is trust and loyalty and choosing to be better people for and with them. That defines a subset of people who aren’t genetically tied to me at all.

  16. A Sensitive Question*

    So, I’m a writer, and I have a very sensitive, possibly triggering question regarding bigotry. Feel free to delete if inappropriate.

    As a woman, I am no stranger to sexism, but all in all it’s usually pretty mild (“you’d be prettier if you smiled more”) and said by people who usually back off after an angry glare (they think my resting face looks angry, but hoo boy they haven’t seen my actual angry face). But for a writing thing, I’m curious as to other, worse kinds of things people have said/done to you for whatever reason – be it your religion, lifestyle, sexuality, gender identity (whether or not that matches whatever biological parts you ended up with in nature’s coin toss), disabilities…Because I need to write some seriously bigoted people and honestly I think whatever I can come up with is small fry compared to some of the stuff people hear.
    So, if you wish, feel free to share these experiences (be they insults or actions) here.

    1. Traffic_Spiral*

      I think you should go to a more specialized board for that. Find an online community that’s only the group in question, and spend a lot of time really researching and understanding it. Otherwise, it’s gonna come across as very hamfisted in your book.

      1. neverjaunty*

        A good place to ask would be the boards at NaNoWriMo – there’s an entire forum devoted to writer questions like these.

        1. A Sensitive Question*

          Thanks, I had no idea NaNoWriMo had these boards even. I’ve never participated, don’t care much for the concept.

      2. LCL*

        Reddit would be great for this sort of thing. Of course everything would be unverified and unsourced, but that’s fine for a work of fiction.

      3. A Sensitive Question*

        I’m looking into those as well, but I’m not writing about a real group of people (mutants), so it’s more to get a general idea about the kind of shit people say rather than anything specific.

        1. Traffic_Spiral*

          Maybe youtube some Shit White/Straight People Say videos. Remember, a lot of prejudice doesn’t have to be over-the-top. Done subtly by the in-power group, it can be incredibly effective.

        2. Kuododi*

          Well….among other things I am an ordained Protestant Clergywoman. (DH is ordained as well, he happens to be a male type person;). Come to think of it I was ordained for about a year before I asked DH on our first date. But I digress….

          I have a distant cousin by marriage who I see every 2 or 3 years in passing at the obligatory family functions. He’s what’s known in my world as a “bivocational” minister. (Full time secular job…. preaching on the side for peanuts.). This guy has no theological background or training. He makes a point of telling me or passing word to me through family that women preaching, teaching or acting in a position of authority over men is a sin against God and that I will one day reap the consequences.

          He’s actually one of the tame ones I’ve delt with over the years. Fortunately the good ones far over populated my little corners of the world and I only had to deal with an occasional donkey. Hope that helps!!!

    2. Waiting for the Sun*

      I’ll just say that hair seems to be a bigotry touch point. I’m white and had bushy, curly hair as a teenager. Was once referred to with a very not-nice racial slur because of it. Insert eye roll. Yeah, I purposely chose to not have hair like Farrah effing Fawcett. Cannot imagine what POC go through on the hair issue.

      1. A Sensitive Question*

        Yeah, I’ve noticed hair is a thing for a lot of people. When I was digging around RBN I came across a lot of people who had their parents hating on their hair or insisting they cut it a certain way.

    3. KayEss*

      I also consider myself fortunate that I haven’t ever been subjected to violence or even really overt, hostile sexism or bigotry, but I do have one obnoxious experience:

      I’d just had dinner in a pub with some friends and it was quite late. I did the “can I walk alone to my car” calculus that all women have to do, and decided that it was reasonably safe to do so–it was late, but I was only walking a bit more than a block down the well-lit main street of a busy college town, other late-night businesses on the street were still open and there were a fair number of people out walking. (Fun fact: at the time, I was also a trained martial artist.) Toward the end of the block, I saw a group of three young men–local students, most likely–walking in the opposite direction. As we got closer, rather than all three of them moving to one side of the sidewalk to pass, they split so I’d have to go between them. Rude, yeah? Also made me a bit nervous, but I was almost to my car so I pressed on. Well, as I passed, one of them fake-lunged at me. Like literally pretended to attack me, for no other reason to scare me and make me jump. I startled and gasped, because UH YEAH THAT SCARED THE PISS OUT OF ME YOU JERK, and they laughed and kept walking. I wanted so badly to yell at them, to unleash absolute verbal hell on these upstart goons who dared to screw with me–but the likelihood that a guy who’d fake-attack a woman in the dark to look big in front of his friends would for-real attack a woman in the dark if his ego was challenged… yeah, it’s high. I kept going the rest of the way to my car, got in and locked the doors, and burst into tears. Couldn’t stop shaking for most of the drive home.

      I’m sure if you asked any one of those assholes, they’d never admit to considering women to be lesser–and they’d be offended that you asked! because they’re nice guys! attending an elite liberal university!–but they still decided that night that it would be great fun to put a woman in her place by making sure she was afraid to walk down the street.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        And if someone did that to their mother/sister/aunt/girlfriend they would be outraged. I fail to understand why they do not see that every woman is at least one of these relationships to someone else.

        Very sorry this happened to you. I would cry too.

        1. Perse's Mom*

          Their reaction to the women in their lives getting this treatment is very telling. Sadly, plenty of them would roll their eyes at how dramatic we’re being (by mentioning how terrifying this is) because ‘geez, it was just a joke, they didn’t DO anything to you.’

        2. Lehigh*

          Would they? Maybe some…others wouldn’t get why the mother/sister/aunt/girlfriend couldn’t “take a joke” either.

          And then they wonder why we “hate men.”

        3. anon here*

          No they wouldn’t. I was harassed by some guys in a car following me on my bike at 11 pm alone on a dark street, saying things like, “Aren’t you afraid to be out here alone?” I was very shaken and in tears told my husband about it on arriving home. He was like, “They just wanted you to be safe, honey!” The man is book-smart but totally f*(&ing clueless about how the world works for women, and because he’s pretty invested in the “good guy” trope he just fell over himself making up ludicrous reasons for why two guys saying, “aren’t you afraid? don’t you think about what could happen to you alone?” out a car window, driving slowly next to me for two blocks and then laughing as they finally sped away, was a caring act of citizenship. I still don’t think he gets it and I just don’t know how to explain.

          1. Observer*

            Did you ask if HE would do that? I’m betting that you would get some version of “of course not”. Ask hum why not.

      2. LilySparrow*

        Someday one of these jerks is going to try that with someone who’s trained, and wind up on the ground.

        I am not in favor of violence, but I think the reality on the ground is that boys stop doing this to other boys because they don’t want to get punched.

        1. LilySparrow*

          Sorry, I missed the line about your training. You have to make the most prudent choice for yourself at the time.

          But I do think if society accepted/encouraged little girls roughhousing and like we do boys, it would be healthier all the way around.

          1. KayEss*

            When I got home and told my partner what had happened, his response was, “And how badly did you hurt them?”

            Well, maybe if I had reacted instinctively to the scare with violence it would have been different, but the reality was I had to actively make the decision to escalate or not over what I knew at that point was essentially ego. What if his two friends joined in? What if one of them had a knife? Was the risk of winding up a sad newspaper headline worth the satisfaction of teaching some stupid kids a lesson? I was trained, yes, but I had never been in a real-life fight… did I want this to be the one?

            That was part of what made the situation so frustrating and disempowering, the fact that the balance of the situation meant I had to give up my desire to stand up for myself in order to keep myself safe–my tears after the fact were more out of humiliation and anger than fear. I felt like I had betrayed both myself and my training. To have my partner then also react as if I had somehow made the wrong choice was gutting all over again. Intellectually, I understand why he said what he did–because he didn’t know any better way to respond, because of the way men are socialized, because he felt guilty and powerless himself for not having been there to help me–but it was still incredibly painful to hear.

        2. Observer*

          One day they are going to do this to someone who is trained and has a hair trigger. At least I hope that’s an accurate description of their next victim.

          1. Observer*

            By the way, I don’t mean that I think you handled things in a poor way. I think that making a decision under these circumstances is by itself a real accomplishment. And, I don’t think that hair triggers are a really good thing. But, every so often, a not-so-good trait can lead to a good outcome. And if a jerk like that gets clobbered, no one outside their friend circle is going to shed any tears.

            But, it must have been really frustrating to have to make the decision you did. I can see why you cried from rage and humiliation.

          2. Triple Anon*

            Safety first, and that means whatever works. But I’ve found that the least violent effective response is the best. If you can get away without having to use violence, do that. If you have to use violence, don’t cause any more harm than is necessary. This is partly because, unfortunately, the person could get a good lawyer and claim that you were the aggressor. You don’t want to leave any room for doubt about their guilt and your innocence. I say that as someone who has had to fight people off. 90% of the time, if you inflict any kind of injury, they’ll try to use it against you. The ideal response is to scare or distract them and flee to safety.

      3. Wishing You Well*

        Ah, if only you had your pepper spray in your hand and sprayed them…accidentally, of course!

    4. Sapphire*

      This has happened many times when I tell people my name (I’m trans and nonbinary):

      “No way! That’s not your real name? What’s your real name?”
      Or if I’m checking out at a store, a cashier will demand to see my ID because they don’t believe the name on my credit card is actually my name.

    5. CatAnon*

      I’m a large woman. In my former job at a non-profit, the facility was open to the public. As I was walking from the staff section at the back of the building through the public section at the front, a couple of dudebros thought it was the height of hilarity to walk behind me and make thundering noises in time with my steps.

    6. GermanGirl*

      Yeah, it’s more the little things but here is a collection for you, mostly from the place we don’t talk about on weekends:

      Me and my new male colleague on our way to an important meeting, where the other side is also all men. I: “Let’s go through our talking points for solution X real quick. I really want to get across how it’s better than Y.” He: “Oh, just use your womanly charme.” I was speechless for a moment, then started to walk him through my thoughts on X anyway. I wish I’d told him that that was an inappropriate comment, because unfortunately I discovered later that my reaction wasn’t enough to tip him of.

      A group of men at the desk next to mine, their meeting is drifting from professional matters to weekend plans. One of them stops himself mid sentence and says: “Oh, I can’t tell that joke right now, GermanGirl is in earshot.” I: “So you tell misogynistic jokes when there are no women around? Really?!” He (totally oblivious to the problem): “Yes.”

      And a private one: We played a game where it so happened that at one point in a magic maze trap the mixed gender group got hit with a gender switch curse and it happened that only the girl and the guy playing female characters made their saves, and the two guys playing male characters suddenly found themselves with female characters instead (nothing else changed). I didn’t think anybody would have a problem with that, since they took guy playing a female character in stride and the other guys also had previously played female characters, but one of the guys started out with “Oh gosh, now we’re an all female group, that can’t lead to anything productive.” And he proceeded to comment every time something went wrong (which is somewhat the point of playing this game) that it was because we didn’t have any males in the group. I dramatically rolled my eyes the first time but he didn’t get the hint so after the third or fourth remark I told him to cut those remarks out. He got defensive and said it was just a joke, and I told him to cut it anyway, at which point the other players finally opened their mouths to agree with me. We haven’t had any problems like that before or after that evening, but that was truly bizarre to me.

      1. SexismSucks*

        I honestly don’t believe people like that aren’t on some level sexist as hell, because the idea of “a group of women can’t be productive” is just so obviously false to me I don’t even get how it’s funny

    7. LilySparrow*

      This was non-verbal, but a co-worker told me about an incident that really upset her. She was the junior professional in the room, being introduced to clients. She is black and the clients were a wealthy white father and his adult son.

      They all shook hands, and the son immediately wiped his palm down the side of his trouser leg to “clean” off her touch.

      Neither of them looked at or addressed her for the rest of the meeting. Her supervisor appeared not to notice, and certainly didn’t say anything or stick up for her in any way.

      I was shocked that anyone would try – much less get away with — something so overt in a professional setting. I had a lot to learn.

      2. Wishing You Well*

        This is bizarre behavior and she could have asked,”Oh, did I have something on my hand?” in a casual, neutral tone. The adult son could have been on the autism scale or germ-phobic. Ignoring her could result if the supervisor did all the talking and the clients assumed she was there to simply observe. Still…
        Ideally, your co-worker would have had a conversation with her supervisor about what happened and how to address it in the future. That conversation would let your co-worker know what kind of client she was dealing with and/or just what kind of company she’s working for. Even though time has passed, she could still say,”Y’know, I’ve been thinking about this and need your insight on what happened” to her supervisor.
        If it was racism, it’s horrifying.

        1. Thursday Next*

          Definitely agree that would be horrifying. I know sometimes comments here leap quickly to extreme explanations like food scarcity for ordinary if annoying behaviors, like grabbing multiple helpings, but this guy’s guy’s behavior wasn’t really ordinary.

          Wiping a hand is so…out there, in terms of responses, that I can’t help but believe it’s some kind of OCD or sensory issue, or a tic born out of having sweaty hands.
          (I did recently binge watch Monk, so that could be informing my perspective.)

          1. Girl friday*

            Yes, I have sweaty hands too, and can relate. But even so, to wipe them off in the moment is unfortunate. Let’s hope that’s the reason. Taking a moment to wipe off hands first is okay!

          2. Someone Else*

            FWIW, I have severe OCD and go to great lengths to ensure (to the best of my knowledge) that colleagues and clients do not see me purelling after they touch me.

          3. Femme D'Afrique*

            “..but this guy’s guy’s behavior wasn’t really ordinary.”

            Oh, but it is. I lived in the United States for over 15 years (big city in the NE) and this EXACT SCENARIO happened to me more often that I can count. Unless I came across numerous white people with OCD, sensory issues or tics borne out of having sweaty hands, I’m quite comfortable calling it for what it is: racism.

            Also, this is one of the reasons why recipients of racism don’t bother pointing out these small acts of hostility. Too often they get bombarded with all these “possible explanations” that seek to exonerate the perpetrator (and society?). Getting into arguments about “IF” it was racism gets exhausting.

            1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

              Yup. I’ve started keeping an eye out for this kind of thing and it’s amazing how often people jump in with the possible alternative explanations. Especially kind people with good intentions. I’ve done it a lot myself. I am actively trying not to now.

            2. Thursday Next*

              I wasn’t there, and I’ve never experienced that myself, so I was trying to think of any plausible alternative. I did write that it would be horrifying if true.

              LilySparrow was conveying the story, not the one who experienced it. I wouldn’t have responded with that kind of speculation if someone were saying, “this is my experience.”

              I think actually we should hear more about these kinds of experiences. It’s important for POCs to share our experiences of racism with each other, bc we do have different experiences and they don’t always replicate each other’s.

              1. Sapphire*

                But people won’t tell you about these experiences if you try to explain them away as not-racism when it so clearly was. The “if” in your statement still means you doubt the veracity of someone’s experience.

                Trust me, marginalized people know full well when someone is discriminatory towards them.

                1. Thursday Next*

                  I would never explain anything away to anyone telling me directly about their experience.

                  My point was that LilySparrow was reporting something that wasn’t their personal experience. It’s the difference between a friend telling me that something happened to a mutual friend, and a friend telling me about something that happened to her. I accept things people tell me about themselves, because they are the authority on their own experience. But someone reporting something about someone else is not the authority on that experience.

        2. LilySparrow*

          We are in the Deep South. She knows exactly what kind of client she was dealing with, and precisely what kind of company she was working for. Best case scenario, the supervisor was oblivious. I would have been.

          It was not the first or the last time something like that has happened to her, just the most unexpected, given the context. The “unclean” reaction is a known thing.

          I’m going to assume that 1) My co-worker is smart enough to tell the difference between a coded insult and some kind of involuntary neurodivergent behavior;

          2) She doesn’t need me to whitesplain what the poor misunderstood rich white man really meant; and

          3) It is nothing like my place to tell her or any person of color the “ideal way” to navigate racism at work.

    8. Nobody Special*

      I was counter demonstrating an anti gay group and wearing a pink triangle… one of the anti group got up in my face and called me a filthy dyke. It was kind of scary … there was a lot of violence seething under the surface of the words…but reinforced my decision to be a supporter. Helped me get a sense of what it is to walk in a world where I’d be hated simply for existing.

    9. Julia*

      Micro-aggressions. Men talking you, trying to explain things you know, not taking your authority/opinion/rightful feelings into account, calling you “emotional”, “bitchy” or “on your period”, penalizing you for behavior men would get away with etc.
      On a bigger scale, I’m looking for a new place of wrong-thread-topic, and I can see the pause in some interviewer’s face when they find out I’m married (my last name doesn’t match my ethnicity, so this comes up a lot), because married and around 30 means “bad for business” (babies), or recruiters offering me typically female and underpaid jobs like nursery teacher or secretary for almost no money, whereas my husband would never get offers like that. Not being considered for promotions. Being considered the designated coffee-brewer and note-taker.
      Catcalling. Comments on your looks, weight, intelligence, character, sexuality etc.
      Groping. (Did you see that video of Ariana Grande from the funeral?)
      Being scared. I had to explain to my husband that I was uncomfortable meeting a recruiter alone because he set off some yellow flags for me and has his office in an apartment building away from the public eye, and my husband didn’t get what I was scared of.

      2. Wishing You Well*

        Yup. “Men worry women will laugh at them; women worry men will kill them.” The gender differences in life experiences is staggering.

    10. pcake*

      Years ago I went out dancing with a friend of mine and his new BF. My friend had to get up early and his BF wanted to dance (we were at Mickey’s in West Hollywood – I’m a female, btw), so I said I’d run BF home after bar close. We were walking to my car, which I had parked a few blocks away on a side street. As we turned on the side street on foot, some men came up slowly behind us, two with baseball bats, calling us gay slurs and saying they were going to kill us! BF was drunk, but I managed to get him to my car, locked the doors and took off just as they started hitting my car. Man, I didn’t stop shaking for like a day!

    11. Tau*

      I don’t think it’s serious bigotry in the way you’re thinking, but maybe you’ll appreciate the alternate perspective:

      I’ve had a speech disorder (stuttering) since the age of five which is often very obvious. I… haven’t actually experienced hate or harrassment for it. You do hear stories sometimes, e.g. recently there was one post about a Starbucks barista who mimicked the stutter when writing the name of a customer who’d stuttered that went viral. The thing is that, y’know, we are generally taught that mocking someone with a disability makes you a Terrible Person sometime around kindergarten, so not only are these people rare – at least once you hit adulthood, I hear kids being nasty is much more common but was lucky enough not to have any issues myself as a child – but they usually get one hell of a pushback from their surroundings. (The barista in that story was fired, IIRC.)

      Far more common is, I think, that people have no frame of reference for it and often an unconscious distaste for disability. When confronted with someone who stutters, they have no clue what to do and panic. This can lead to… unfortunate reactions. Two that particularly stick in my mind:

      – time I asked a woman on the street if she knew what time it was and when I started stuttering she just turned around and walked away
      – time I got stuck introducing myself and the person asked me if I’d forgotten my name. (This one sounds worse than it is because I responded with “uh… I have a speech disorder?” and he was horrified and basically fell over himself trying to apologise.)

      (My worst experiences actually came during speech therapy, because that taught us an extremely unnatural-sounding sing-song-y speech that wasn’t, however, clearly identifiable as a speech disorder in the same way stuttering is. I had one person actually yell at me on the phone about some language nitpick, and a guy in my group had someone start singing at him and then hang up.)

      I’m pretty sure this is not what you’re looking for, but I wanted to bring this up because I think it can be easy to assume all -isms function in basically the same way and they don’t, necessarily. I worry about getting hate for my sexual orientation. I’ve lived my whole life in super liberal areas by US standards where outright blatant homophobia is extremely uncommon, but still I mentally brace myself whenever I come out to someone or take out my laptop with its “queer women code” sticker. I don’t worry about getting hate for my disabilities in the same way. I don’t even worry about the really awkward foot-in-mouth flailing, so much. I worry about stereotypes, instead.

      The worst thing you can say to me re: stuttering isn’t mocking my speech, it’s something like “oh, I know what that’s like, I stutter sometimes too!” Because I can shut the first one down, hard, in a way that will leave all bystanders on my side; the second is much harder to contradict and might mean you view everything I do and say through a lens of “aw, it’s so sad that Tau is so anxious and shy that they stutter all the time” or “I really don’t know why they haven’t gone to speech therapy to have that dealt with yet, it’s really inconsiderate of the rest of us” or “huh, I guess they must have some intellectual problems, I’ll need to keep things simple and not expect too much from them” or something else totally wrongheaded. (Autism, my other disability, is even worse on this front and I am not generally out about it – but still, I don’t worry about people actively hating autistic people as a group, I worry about them believing in some of the more horrible stereotypes. There’s a difference there.)

      1. A Sensitive Question*

        You’re right, I do appreciate that alternate perspective. Especially the worrying about people believing stereotypes – I’d actually never thought of it that way.

      2. Wishing You Well*

        When I was 14 and babysitting, I answered the house phone. It was a man who sounded drunk. I tried to understand him, told him the parents weren’t available and hung up. Days later, the parents explained the man was a friend and had a neurological disorder. (not drunk) I felt like a worthless toad!

        So, even though I am very observant with people, it is near-impossible for me to “get” unusual behavior at first contact. I try to think of at least 2 possible explanations to avoid being able-ist. My point: a lot of us are doing their best to interact appropriately, but even the best-intentioned of us can make horrible mistakes. I hope we all continue to improve as time goes on.

        1. Tau*

          Yeah, it may not have come through but I do have full sympathy that it can be hard to know how to react, and I’m sure I wouldn’t always react ideally to someone with another disability! I definitely try to remember that although for me stuttering is a thing that’s always loomed large in my life, a lot of people will not really have had to deal with it or know much about it.

          Indeed, these days I try to “guide” people’s reactions when I can, via introducing myself with a little spiel a la “by the way, I have a speech disorder, it’s usually pretty mild but acts up sometimes, please let me know if you have trouble understanding me and I’ll repeat myself or write it down.” People tend to react really well to that and I think part of it is that I’m basically going “hey, I’m aware you may not know how to deal with this, so I’m letting you know what’s happening and how I’d like you to act.” The main problems occur when that’s not an option… or when someone does the “oh, I know what that’s like!” thing. :/

      3. Triple Anon*

        I think ableism is especially complex because there are so many different types of disabilities and people react to them differently. I guess that’s true with anything – different people get different reactions depending on what they look like, etc individually. But there is a certain kind of prejudice that comes out when you have a disability that is obvious but not immediately identifiable as a disability.

        1. Triple Anon*

          Also! I have a muscle disorder and my speech is better on some days than others. Sometimes I sound normal and other times, I sound more like I have a speech impediment. People have been mean about it my whole life. People of all ages. If anything, children are nicer than adults about it. People mock me or they assume that I’m less intelligent or lazy or mentally ill or intoxicated. Most often the first – that it’s indicative of an intellectual disability. It’s really frustrating. But I’m working on being patient with people and educating them. Half the time, it’s just ignorance.

    12. Manatees are cool*

      Where I live in the U.K. the way disabled children and teens are being treated is horrid. A lot of them have been forced out of their primary and secondary schools and sent to the special needs schools. Many of these children would manage perfectly well in a mainstream setting with a bit of extra support. They are basically being segregated from the non special needs students. For the special needs students left at one of the secondary schools who have more minor disabilities such as dyslexia, the special needs department has been dismantled so they have to go to the junior school to access services which is putting pressure on them to move to the special needs school. Also accessing support from Capita/Atos has been hellish for us adults which is responsible for those with mobility problems having specially adapted cars and disability benefits for a wider group of disabled people. The assessors are mostly paramedics so not really experts on what day to day life is like for disabled people. They have been known to blatantly ignore doctors notes, and they often blatantly lie on forms or give ridiculous reasons. People have died as a result or their deaths hastened. Terminally ill people have been declared “fit for work” only to die days later. One of the reasons I got rejected was for taking my coat off in the meeting and said that means I could feel heat when the real reason was that it restricted my arms for the exercises they asked me to perform. The UN actually did an investigation into how disabled people are being treated and gave our government a long list of things that had to be changed, our government’s response was to say they were offended and that they weren’t going to change anything, the UN just shrugged their shoulders and did nothing.

      1. Triple Anon*

        Wow. That’s so horrible. Thank you for writing about it. I’m going to look it up and try to raise some awareness here in the U.S.

    13. Triple Anon*

      Genderqueer: “dyke”, “dykey”, “You don’t share our values,” etc. I’ve been told I look like a man, which was intended to be an insult.

      Disability: All disabled people have intellectual disabilities, we shouldn’t be allowed to participate in society, condescension, threats of violence (including sexual assault), actual violence. There’s too much to list.

      I’ve gotten more obvious bigotry for being disabled, but I think that’s because it is more obvious. I don’t dress in a way that screams GENDERQUEER. I usually wear a normal bra with gender neutral pants and shirts. It’s only obvious if I spend more time around people, like at work. I’m just kind of manly and better at manly things, for lack of a better word. But I’m feminine too. It’s a particular mix that’s endearing to some and offensive to others. I’m kind of like a girly dude, I guess.

      The disability thing is really weird for me. On the same day, I’ll get, “You look completely normal. I had no idea,” from one person and another person will mock and harass me. But the mocking is usually from people who notice something is different but don’t know how to categorize it. When I tell people about my physical quirks, they’re nicer, but some are pitying or they don’t want to talk to me as much. So ableism tends to take different forms depending on whether I tell people what the disability is or not. Most of the pitying / distancing people seem to mean well but have their own issues that make them feel uncomfortable with it, which I understand. Then there is the occasional person who thinks disabled people just don’t deserve to live, or to have jobs / relationships / any kind of appearance in public. Those people are always a joy to run into.

      1. Thursday Next*

        People can be terrible. Just plain terrible. I don’t know what else to say about that shit.

        The ones that think “You look normal” is a compliment enrage me. I get some version of that a lot re. my daughter, and I don’t know what to say to that either. I’m hoping some day I’ll come up with something pithy. Or better yet, that she will.

    14. rogue axolotl*

      My advice would be to seek out media from the perspective of people who have experienced forms of bigotry that you haven’t. In my experience, there are two types of bigoted action–there are the really overt, scary instances, and then there are the more pernicious, everyday, subtle instances. In a way the subtle ones are worse, since those are the ones that can grind you down, make you moderate your behaviour, make you start to doubt yourself and your perceptions–at least in my experience. The people who are best at describing this stuff are usually those who have experienced it firsthand, and you have to make an effort to absorb a fair amount of information from various sources before you can start to understand, because it is a pervasive and insidious thing, and it’s hard to imagine if it’s not part of the fabric of your everyday life. It’s not easy to learn, but I think it’s important.

    15. buttercup*

      A lot of what I experience is more in the way of microaggressions, especially in the place we do not speak of on this thread, being a female in my twenties. I have more than once had a male coworker take credit for my ideas. A couple of times, my manager took my ideas and, under the pretense of misremembering, accredited the to my male coworker. I also get talked over a lot, and many of my supervisors ignore me when I ask them reasonable requests (like for a document I need to do my project.)

  17. Blue Eagle*

    “The Assistants” by Camille Perry – thanks to Shop Lady for recommending it yesterday. I checked it out of the library and it was so engaging that I just completed reading the entire novel!

    1. FD*

      I know what you mean! I like my hair mostly but I get the most awful dry scalp sometimes. I sometimes wish I could wave a wand, remove all my head hair, rub skin lotion on it, and then magically re-attach my hair. Also, it can be a total nuisance in some situations.

      (As a preemptive thing, PLEASE don’t suggest how to fix my dry scalp. Believe me when I say that I have tried a LOT of solutions and they either don’t work or make my absurdly sensitive skin break out in acne ridiculously badly.)

      3. nep*

        I just really love having the buzz cut. (I’ve done it twice in the past decade or so.) I might be ready to do it again sometime, but right now I like having a choice/some variety. Buzz cut–only choice is headwrap or no headwrap.
        Sorry you’re struggling with dry scalp problem.

  19. Budgeting*

    I was wondering if anyone has a good suggestion for a budgeting tool? Preferably free. I would like primarily the ability to track things so I can do a report at tax time for example (for example, of all my medical expenses or donations in the year). Thanks!

    1. Handy Nickname*

      I downloaded the Mint app a couple weeks ago and it’s great. You can link your bank account and any credit cards, and it auto-sorts your expenses in to categories (I’d say it’s about 75% accurate), then you can change the category of any transaction. I really like it so far!

        2. Phoenix Programmer*

          YNAB did not work for me because I have CC debt and wanted to keep CC for building up credit.

    2. ronda*

      budgeting is different than tracking actual spending for tax time.

      but the tool might help with both.

      personally i use excel and download info from my credit card company and bank. Then I tag the spending that is for tax categories. (google sheets is free and would work too)

      Budgeting is planning what you are going to spend to help you control how much you spend, so about your future and total spend. Tax reporting is about your past and the things that can impact taxes.

      The Trump tax bill changed limits for standardized/ itemized deduction, so you will probably need more itemized deductions than in prior years for itemizing to make sense. So take a look at that and see if you think you have a possibility of being close to being able to itemize or not, if not, why track it?

      1. fposte*

        Seconding ronda, especially on the change in tax law that means most people who used to itemize for deductions won’t be now. That being said, I find tracking my expenditures useful in general, and though I love Excel and use it for other home finance, I actually just use a phone app. I like the hand-entry part of it; it makes me more aware of what I’m spending even if I’m using plastic.

      2. TardyTardis*

        Depends on what state you’re in–I use standard deduction for federal, but for Oregon, it’s Schedule A all the way, especially with the special medical deduction for Old People. Your mileage may vary, look up what the rules are in your state.

      3. ronda*

        your bank / investment / creditcard/ etc website may also have some tools that they allow you to use for free.

        I haven’t used any of the ones on my websites, but it might work for you ‘specially if it is tied to the account(s) you want to track.

    3. epi*

      I would highly recommend starting with Mint. It will try to automatically categorize your spending, and will let you view it in a lot of different ways. From there it’s up to you to use the information to set budgets and goals. In fact the only problem I have with it is that I find it more useful for tracking than planning– the app doesn’t nag or update you much by default. So it may be perfect for your needs.

      Regardless of how you use it, you’ll want to set yourself reminders to log in occasionally and make sure things are being categorized correctly. There’s nothing worse than trying to figure out what a bunch of six month old Target and Amazon purchases were for.

    4. Lady Alys*

      The website vertex42 dot com has lots of Excel, iOS, and Google Docs templates – I’ve been using one for the past five years or so to track our accounts. As fposte mentions below, having to do data entry by hand ups the awareness of what you’re spending.

    5. Lollygagger*

      Definitely You Need a Budget. Have been using it for five years. I think it has an annual fee but I find it to be an amazing tool. Helped us get rid of debt and save for a house. And it’s super handy right now as we have budgets in two countries. It does basically force you to build up an entire month of reserves, which I LOVED. I really didn’t like Mint. So my suggestion would be to try both (I know YNAB has a trial … I think 40 days?) and see which matches your style.

  20. Loves Libraries*

    Children in restaurants
    This week my husband, college son and I went out to a local restaurant. About halfway through the meal a family with 2 children came in. The children were about 3 and 5. They didn’t sit much. They wondered around the small restaurant sometimes playing with the decorations. The parents did almost nothing to get them to sit. Fortunately it was not very busy that night. The parents did occasionally remind them to use their inside voices. I enjoyed my food but the actions (or non actions) of the parents make me not want to return. It spoiled the second half of our evening. My husband and I have 3 children now ages 19-24. When they were that age we took crayons and paper and expected them to sit and remain quiet. For a while we didn’t eat out much other than fast food because it was a struggle. Parents, if you take your children out, then you must teach them how to behave out of courtesy to others.

    1. Forking great username*

      There is a line here though – walking around and playing with decorations, not okay. But if they don’t want to sit and just stand next to the table, but are otherwise being fine? I think that should be okay. Admittedly, I’m biased – my five year old struggles with sitting in hard chairs (it’s a sensory thing, he has autism), so if we can’t get a booth he often just stands next to the table right where a chair would sit. I’m sure I have gotten a few parents making snarky comments to each other about why my son isn’t sitting. And the whole “don’t take your children out unless you can teach them to behave” thing is repeated ad nauseam on the internet so often that I doubt there’s a parent alive who hasn’t read this somewhere. Yet I too complain when we go out on a date night to a restaurant that’s not kid-friendly and end up next to a family with a screechy/running around kid. It’s not an uncommon complaint. It’s just one that is EVERYWHERE, and it gets old. Everyone has heard it. Some people don’t listen and aren’t considerate. Some people are doing their best but have extenuating circumstances. Some people have an easy time teaching their kids restaurant manners. Others have to put in a huge effort. There’s a huge range here, and the general PSA tone of “don’t take out your kids to do XYZ unless they know how to behave” doesn’t affect the people that are an actual problem at all (because they don’t care) and stresses out the parents who are honestly trying their best but have kids who don’t always behave perfectly (like…well, pretty much all kids!)

      I just feel like these comments have a tendency to turn into a big hate circle like the letter from a couple of weeks ago about the co-workers who referred to parents as breeders and hate all children. Obviously that’s not you, because you have kids. And this doesn’t apply to the situation you saw last night, but picture yourself back in the trenches with toddlers, getting a comment like this when you absolutely have to go grocery shopping and one of your kids decides to start acting up. It’s frustrating to see parent judgment everywhere when you’re trying your hardest. And every “don’t take your kids out if they can’t behave” is another drop in the bucket.

      1. Girl friday*

        I work in restaurants, and I can assure you that your 5 year old is fine standing next to the table where a chair would be. I think most people that work in restaurants keep an eye out for safety so that themselves and other guests aren’t injured. If children are being safe, we’re generally too busy to notice what specific things they’re up
        to. As long as people clean up and tip!

      2. Gaia*

        I’m sorry, but no. Restaurants are not designed to have small humans standing next to tables. Waitstaff (often carrying trays) may not see them and it could cause someone to get hurt.

        1. Forking great username*

          Could you have worded that more rudely? Regardless, if he’s standing exactly where a chair would normally be I fail to see how that would be a problem for a waiter.

            1. Forking great username*

              The obviously sarcastic “I’m sorry” when you’re clearly not is never a great start if you want the person to actually consider our point. Not that I would have anyways since I’ve had numerous waitstaff workers reassure me that he’s just fine where he is.

          3. Lissa*

            Could she have worded it more rudely…. uh yeah i can think of about 10 ways right now. Her wording sounded like she was trying to not be rude to me….?

      3. Melonhead*

        Yeah, autism and other challenges change the game completely. If I see a kid melting down, I sometimes try to catch the adult’s eye and smile in commiseration.

    2. Lcsa99*

      I try to resist judging because I don’t have kids and I probably won’t. I also know that people are judged so much harsher for parenting choices than my parents were when I was a kid, so its probably harder these days for parents to know where to draw the line. But it certainly seems that there are more parents out there who just don’t put any effort into actual parenting.

    3. Brelade*

      I think the attitude of the parents makes such a difference – sometimes kids can’t be calmed but at least if the parent is trying you understand what they’re going through. I was on a flight yesterday in front of a two year old who was hysterical (screaming/crying/kicking) the whole flight. Her mom was trying to calm her, reminding her about the plane, all the people etc and I found my reaction totally different than if her mom had sat down and done nothing. I ended up carrying the girl down the steps for her mom who was at the end of her rope by the end!

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Aww. Love your story here.
        I was shopping at 11:30 pm in a large grocery store. Toddler was running up and down the aisle. The parent was at the far end (long aisle) looking very frustrated. So I told the child, “Wow you run really fast. Can you run really fast that way, too?” I pointed toward the parent. The child was young enough she bought this and ran right to her parent. I saw a big, slow,tired thank you wave from the other end of the aisle. Sometimes they just have their own thing going on.

      2. Perse's Mom*

        This is true for me, too. There’s a huge difference between parents who have clearly mentally checked out and make no attempt to curb the behavior and parents who are clearly *trying* to do so.

    4. Temperance*

      So, my niece and nephew are around that age. My sister takes them to family-friendly places, with crayons etc. They sit and eat their meals, but they can get a little loud if they’re excited. I’m obviously biased because they are my 2 favorite people, but I think kid behavior and bad behavior can be split into different things.

      1. LJay*

        I think context matters, too, on both sides.

        If I’m going to a restaurant where they have crayons and paper kids placemats and a kids menu, and getting annoyed about happy kid noises, I’m being a jerk and I have unreasonable expectations. That’s somewhere where kids are going to be, where I should expect them to be, and if I don’t want to deal with them I should not go there.

        If I’m going to a high end steakhouse, I expect my evening to be free from even most normal happy kid behavior. If they can sit quietly at their table and entertain themselves that’s one thing, but if I’m paying over $50 a plate of food to have a nice adult date experience I don’t want to hear shrieking, or Dora the Explorer being played on a tablet or whatever. If the kid cannot adhere to adult standards of behavior with very few reminders, the parents should not bring them there.

    5. Drama Llama*

      Honestly….I question when we became so entitled to total relaxation and quiet in a public space. Children exist in all societies. Adults, including adults without small children, should know they are not adults in miniature versions.

      If the kids were running around and yelling, yeah, not okay. But if it was occasional loud voices or a few steps of movement followed by mostly standing still without disturbing other diners, that’s something that can be reasonably ignored IMO.

      Maybe I feel that way because my friend has an autistic child who does tend to cause occasional inconvenience in public. I know this really upsets the parents and they do their best to keep him still and quiet. But short of keeping him tied up and and mouth duct taped, it is simply not possible to make him behave like a small adult. And the answer is not for parents of special needs children to never leave their home.

      1. Kj*

        I work with special needs kiddos. And I agree they should go out and their parents need to take them out (if nothing else, how are parents to get things like groceries unless they can take their kids places? Babysitters for special needs kids are hard to find and pricey). And kids need exposure to the wider world. Parents should be active in helping their kids do the best the kid can- that may mean allowing somethings and offering rewards for good behavior. But wandering a restaurant seems reasonable, as long as they weren’t interfering with other diner’s meals or destroying the decorations. The parents should be closely supervising, but expecting kids to just sit at the table might be a high expectation. And we don’t know what is going on with kids at times- many kids I work with look “normal” and really have complex needs.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        I grew up at the end of the children should be seen not heard era. I can vouch for having to sit perfectly still (well I thought I had to have no movement at all) for what seemed like days (no it was an hour or so). I think the thing that I remember most about this time in life is that children had ZERO credibility. Anything a child said was dismissed.

        It’s odd what sticks with the memory and what doesn’t. I could live with sitting still but I could not live with not being heard. Each generation does a better job with their children overall, I think. We listen to kids now and that is an improvement. In some ways we can learn to listen even better.

        1. Cat Herder*

          Most societies do distinguish between children’s spaces and adult spaces.

          I don’t think children have to be allowed everywhere and I do think that if they can’t behave appropriately for the location (LJay’s examples), their parents need to take them away. I like children, kid noises don’t bug me, I feel sorry for crying kids on planes rather than angry. But I don’t want them running around a nice restaurant, I don’t want to hear them when I’ve forked over big bucks for a movie theater ticket for a grown up movie, etc. I took my kid to restaurants when he was quite small — kid friendly restaurants, and we left if he could not stay at (or under)the table.

      3. Lissa*

        I think part of this is that we became that way because it became less acceptable to have environments where children aren’t. I feel like if it was less controversial to have say, an understanding that kids weren’t going to go to nice restaurants until they were 8 or so, then there’d be less resentment at a kid throwing a fit in a mall.

        Here’s the thing – that experience described would’ve bothered me too, and made my evening less enjoyable. Maybe it “shouldn’t”, maybe I should have the capacity to ignore it, but I don’t. I don’t judge the parents for that behaviour, or for taking them there really because it’s seen as acceptable and it doesn’t sound like they were screaming and throwing things. But yeah, it would’ve annoyed me. I know kids aren’t miniature adults, which is why there are some places I would hope they would not be.

        1. LJay*

          This.

          Like, I will 100% of the time always cut the parent slack of they’re someplace in public where they probably have to be. I assume that bringing a baby on the plane is nobody’s idea of a fun time and that they aren’t doing it for laughs, but because they have to get the kid across the country and a plane is the only practical way to do it.

          I assume that, given the option between a quick, relaxing shopping trip by themselves, or herding a toddler and two school-age kids through the grocery store while trying to avoid meltdowns over buying candy bars, dealing with the toddler being tired but also not wanting to be in the cart, and dealing with glares from other people as their kids run down the aisles, pretty much every parent would choose the former. So if they’re bringing 3 kids through the grocery store it’s because they need groceries and don’t have other child care options available at this point.

          Going to a restaurant with a kid’s menu and crayons at the hostess stand – cool, kids belong there. Amusement park? Kids belong there. Matinee animated movie? Kids belong there. Shopping mall? Kids belong there. Baseball game? Kids belong there.

          But if I go to a high end restaurant, I don’t want evidence of kids being around interrupting my date. (I also expect the adults there to not interrupt or ruin my date). Seeing Book for Mormon at the theater, I want any kids there to act like mini-adults. Rated R movie, I don’t want a kid screaming and crying because it’s scared out of it’s mind to the point where I can’t enjoy the movie.

          I actually enjoy that a lot of museums and stuff in my area are doing adult mixer nights where they are open late and serve alcohol and have no kids allowed.

      4. Traffic_Spiral*

        Actually, the general rule was “Children should be seen and not head – preferably also not seen.” There was never a time where kids were encouraged to run riot anywhere they pleased.

      5. Wendy Darling*

        I mostly don’t care about children in public but I think everyone needs to be thoughtful about what is and is not an appropriate venue for their child and for children in general. For some reason that eludes me the last three times I’ve gone to a particular fine-dining restaurant that is VERY not kid-friendly, I have been seated next to families with multiple kids under 5 who were not capable of sitting through a fine dining meal without shrieking, running around, kicking things, climbing things, or blasting audio on tablets. Which is legit kid behavior — I would have been a hot mess at this restaurant at age 3-4 also. It’s not the kids’ fault, but the parents should not have brought them to that restaurant.

        Similarly, the only reason people stopped bringing their elementary school children to the 8pm showings of R-rated dramas at my local movie theater was when the theater forbid anyone under 17 from attending R movies from 6pm on. Again, there was nooooooo reason for anyone to have their small child at these movies. You cannot tell me your 6 year old actually wanted to see Nightcrawler.

        I think it’s fine to want there to be some grownup-only spaces in the world. Not all of them — not even a lot of them. But a few.

      6. ket*

        At some point, I feel like some of these expeditions are disrespectful of the kids, though. Bringing a very active 3-year-old to a Michelin star restaurant with a meal of a few courses? Sure, if you’re rich you figure you can do whatever you want — but your kid is not actually going to appreciate it as a 3-year-old. It’s late, it’s a weird space, everyone else there is not going to want to play, adults are boring. Even if it’s not a Michelin star kind of place, some restaurants are really calibrated to adult pleasures. The child’s place on the neurodiversity rainbow has little do with that, because for all 1-6 year olds, it’s simply not possible to make them behave like small adults, and there’s no reason they should.

        I’m currently parent to a 1.5 yr old. I value adult spaces, public spaces, and kid spaces. We’ve dashed into a cocktail bar & gotten a cocktail at 4 pm because she’s just up from a nap and she’s going to be ‘good’, but I do try to keep in mind this perspective of respect for her needs and respect for ours. Putting her in positions where she’s expected/required to act outside her abilities is on some level disrespectful of her as a person as well as the people around us. Of course she learns by doing, but she doesn’t need to know how to act in a cocktail bar, movie theater, or prix fixe tasting menu restaurant at this time.

      8. Julia*

        I have a lot of sympathy for parents, and I agree that kid noises are sometimes inevitable. But I think this sympathy and respect needs to go both ways. Don’t let your kid jump off the furniture at 1 am if you have downstairs neighbors. Don’t bring your kids to the cinema or relaxation spa if they can’t be quiet, and don’t let them watch a movie without headphones in the quiet car of the train – people pay money for those places and want to get quiet enjoyment out of them.
        There’s also a difference between letting kids run around, and letting kids climb on others or others’ space. I’ve been called a kid hater because I have asked parents or children to stop climbing my seat that I was sitting in, to stop kicking the back of my seat, and to stop touching me (!). I’m not a kid hater just because I don’t want to be a free babysitter for you.

        Accidents happen, obviously, but there’s a big difference between a parent saying “oh, I’m so sorry, did my kid hurt you?” and telling you off for not playing with their offspring. And I say that as someone who was a nanny – which I was paid for. After work, I’m exhausted – you wouldn’t ask any other professional to work after hours, so don’t ask me.

    6. CurrentlyLooking*

      I am totally with you on taking toys/crayons and paper/books to restaurants when you have small kids.

      And not just to restaurants. Take toys w your toddler when you go to a ball game, shopping, your older child’s events, etc. If your kids are occupied, they will be happier and so will you.

    7. Thursday Next*

      Drama Llama and Forking Great are totally on the money. I’d just add, and I’ve written this as a comment on other AAM posts, that children learn through exposure. They way to teach kids how to handle an experience isn’t to leave them at home.

      And constant parental corrections can just become so much noise and nagging to a child. There is a certain tone of voice I reserve only for dangerous situations, and, now that my child is older, really insensitive comments (usually about his sister) and it gets my autistic, ADD son’s attention. If I used that tone for everything from untied shoes to unfinished homework, it would lose its effectiveness.

      I find a lot of times people credit their parenting skills when a behavior or outcome is largely due to a child’s innate temperament or preferences. My son has always loved vegetables, and other parents have expressed wonder at how I got him to eat them. Well, I didn’t have to do anything! And though he’s autistic, he’s been a withdrawer more than a disrupter, which has made certain things easier for him, like being out in public. Again, I had nothing to do with that.

      Some kids are happy to sit still and color in a restaurant. Some kids are more easily coaxed into a desired behavior. Some kids are interested in mimicking the adults around them. You may have had children like this.

      Or you might have worked really hard to teach them.

      Or you might be misremembering how well behaved they were more than a decade and a half ago.

      Or you might be less tolerant of other people’s children than you were when your children were young.

      I think to go out into the world means we need to have some flexibility in our expectations of how the rest of the world will behave. For myself, at least, I know that suspending judgment of someone whom I’ve only observed (that is, haven’t interacted with) is more liberating than the feeling I get from thininegative thoughts about them. It raises the bar for what I do find worthy of judgment. Kids talking loudly in the Olive Garden? Whatever. Parent threatening to beat child with a belt on the subway? Judge away. (My husband talked to that child’s father until he cooled off.)

      1. Triplestep*

        I am 55, and my children are 22 and 29. I don’t have grandchildren. For the last decade or so, I have started to consider myself part of “the public” that small children need to be exposed to in order to learn how to behave when they go out into the world. I am fulfilling my part of this social contract just by being there, and if it’s appropriate for me to interact with them, so much the better.

        But just as “constant parental corrections can just become so much noise and nagging to a child,” some parents seem to have a very high tolerance for their kids level of energy, volume, etc. Those of us who aren’t constantly exposed to this anymore have a lower threshold.

        I was standing in line at the supermarket deli, and two kids were tussling with each other, laughing and shrieking and kind of tossing each other around while their mother had their back to them. It was easy for her to tune them out. I found myself kind of anxious about them, fearing one of them would be thrown into me, or worse, get hurt. I had to constantly remind myself for those few minutes that they weren’t really doing anything wrong – they were probably good kids, and they were just entertaining themselves, and I am part of the public that is helping to socialize them. But I also wished that their mother hadn’t so easily tuned them out. I felt like she wasn’t holding up her end of the social contract that and I was abiding by.

        1. Thursday Next*

          Fair enough! Of course some parents are more attentive and interventionist than others. And some seem blind to everything, including safety issues.

          I think it’s certainly true that thresholds for anything are affected by current exposure, so people without small children likely have a lower tolerance for their noise and behavior. It’s not right or wrong, it just *is*.

    8. Lehigh*

      I mean, I probably would have felt annoyed too. I also feel annoyed when:
      -an elderly person is walking very slowly in the only path and I have to wait
      -a child is screaming on a plane (probably because their ears hurt or other discomforts of travel)
      -a mentally challenged person approaches me in a socially uncomfortable way

      But I don’t think my feeling of annoyance in these situations is really that important. Parenting is hard. I’m not a parent, but if I were I can’t imagine I’d ALWAYS prioritize making my child sit still throughout a meal at a small restaurant versus maintaining my sanity. Just like if it was difficult and tiring to walk I would try not to care if the younger, healthier people behind me were rolling their eyes.

      If the kids aren’t approaching your table, is it really your problem?

      1. Ender*

        This. Lots of people are annoying in lots of ways. Why is it expected that we put up with less than perfect behaviour from every single group without the ability to act like a mature able bodied person all the time … except children. walking around a restaurant doesn’t sound so awful to me.

        1. Melonhead*

          Kids loose in restaurants are a danger to servers carrying heavy platters with hot food and beverages.

          1. Ender*

            If they were running, yes that would be dangerous. But on the occasion referred to above, they are described as “wandering around” which means walking, and it also says the restaurant wasn’t busy that night. Love library didn’t mention any safety concerns whatsoever, she just seemed to be annoyed by the kids wandering around even though there were no safety concerns on this occasion.

      2. fposte*

        That’s really nicely put, Lehigh. I would also say that even if the kids are doing something that they shouldn’t, we have the option, as we do with so many adult behaviors we discuss plenty the rest of the week, to focus on shrugging it off. I may not have control over whether the parents are letting the kids crawl under locked bathroom stall doors, but I have some influence over whether that wrecks my day or not.

      3. Wishing You Well*

        Actually, when it’s a safety problem, you can speak up. Children sometimes RUN in restaurants and that’s not safe for patrons or the staff. The running must stop. When a couple of kids wanted to run past my friend in a restaurant, threatening her balance, she was sharp with them and commanded them to stop. I cringed at her tone of voice, but if I were facing another hip dislocation, I’d probably be cross, too. To address a child’s unsafe behavior in the moment does not mean you’re questioning someone’s parenting.

        Disruptive restaurant behavior is different. Speaking up is optional and I’ve rarely, if ever, heard it done! That, my friends, IS being tolerant. Being irritated is neither right nor wrong – it’s a feeling. Please remember people are paying to be there and are STUCK there until the food arrives. Also, my expectations for chaos at a fast-food place at 6 p.m. is different than a spendy restaurant at 8 p.m. Overall, I feel the restaurant-going public does a pretty good job at getting along.

        1. Lehigh*

          I don’t think we disagree?

          You’ve re-stated my point: It’s fine to feel annoyed at any old thing you please (and, often, you may not even be able to control what makes you feel irritated!); it’s just good to recognize when that annoyance is irrelevant to anyone else.

          And yes, of course it’s different if anyone is endangered by a behavior.

          I’m sure we are each picturing a different restaurant in our head, but since all we have is that it was “small” and that the children were “playing with decorations” and wandering, I don’t think we have enough to go on to say these parents were out of line.

        2. Cat Herder*

          I’ll ask to be moved to a different table in a nice restaurant if there are children who are very noisy or behaving poorly. And I’ll state why, too. If there isn’t another table far enough away, I’m good with just leaving. And telling the manager why.

          Google Old Fisherman’s Grotto children policy. If I lived near there I’d be their number one customer.

      4. Wendy Darling*

        What cured me of much of my annoyance re: children screaming on airplanes was the sudden realization, standing in the customs line behind a screaming child after said child had screamed for 9 hours NONSTOP on the plane (which… I was impressed with kiddo’s stamina, it was a pretty small baby), that the parents have to take that screaming child home with them.

        After I get out of the airport that kid is never my problem again, but the parents are just as tired as I am and they have to take the little air raid siren home!

    9. Ron McDon*

      I agree that parents should bring distractions to restaurants etc.

      When my boys were little, we carried a backpack anywhere we went, which contained playing cards, paper, pens, books, quiet toys, cars, snacks, water… just anything they might want or need to keep them entertained for a period of time.

      My sister now takes my niece out and about with nothing as a distraction, and can’t understand why she can’t sit still and be quiet when we’re in a restaurant etc. She’s bored! I don’t think it’s fair to the child(ren) or other people who have their nice evening out disturbed by children behaving badly.

      If my boys started playing up (which they would do even with the bag of tricks, on occasion) my husband or I would take them out to the foyer/car/garden, to burn off some energy/calm down.

      I am surprised at the number of parents I see out and about who seem completely oblivious to their children’s behaviour and don’t correct them at all, no matter what they’re doing – part of being a responsible parent is teaching your child how to behave appropriately in many different situations. (I am not talking about those children with medical conditions which cause behavioural difficulties).

      1. Revanche @ A Gai Shan Life*

        Oh yes, the intermissions! We’ve taken our less than perfect child to nice restaurants too and it works because ze generally wants to be there and is curious about the world but when ze gets fidgety, we take zir outside to burn off some of that energy. Then back again to play with what’s allowable to play with at our table, with reasonable inside voices. Some days none of it works at all and we just go home. It’s a process.

    10. Caro*

      I feel like parents of grown children have blocked out so much misbehavior. I have an incredibly active 3yo and we go to restaurants at off-peak to minimize disruption. I used to be able to occupy him with play dough and coloring but now it’s tv on the phone. No matter what you do, you get judged. I don’t have an easy child but hope that his independence will be an asset in the future.
      And don’t blame the restaurant! How is it their fault? Do you expect them to kick kids out?

      1. Chaordic One*

        As a child I remember one time I threw a tantrum in a restaurant (I don’t remember why), and being made to go sit in the family car while my family finished their meal. It was probably only 10 minutes or so. It was sunny, but not overly hot and the car had windows that rolled down with handcranks and I rolled all the car windows down. Sort of like a time out.

          1. Wishing You Well*

            Your CPS comment reminded me of an incident a co-worker had with his young daughter:
            She was very willful and hard to control. In a restaurant, she wanted to taste the Tobasco sauce. Both parents tried to dissuade her by telling her exactly what it would do to her, but she wouldn’t let up. Finally, her father/my co-worker struck a deal: after he had paid the check and they were ready to go, she could taste the Tobasco sauce. They enjoyed a relatively quiet meal, then Bill paid + Tobasco tasted = screaming child promptly leaving the restaurant.
            Parenting IS hard.

            1. Thursday Next*

              ::taking notes:: “Avoid…feeding…hot sauce…”

              When I was a toddler, I wanted a sip of my dad’s beer. He let me have it. I promptly threw up on him.

              We both learned a lesson that day…

        2. Cat Herder*

          My mom would take the misbehaving child out to the car and sit with him or her. And not speak to the child who was causing her to miss her dinner. LOL, that was the real punishment!

          1. Fellow Traveller*

            Yes. If my 6 year old does not behave in a restaurant either I or my husband will take her outside. Sometimes she will scream and cry all the way outside, and I am annoyed at having to miss part of my meal, but our family enjoys eating out too much to allow bad behaviour to be the norm when we go to restaurants. The toddler is another matter altogether, though… He doesn’t care where we are, he is just restless. With him, we just try to practice containment. Dining out with young kids is tough. Heck, dining in with young kids can be tough.

      2. Cat Herder*

        Yes. If it is a fine dining restaurant, not a kid-friendly restaurant, then yes, the restaurant can ask the parents to get the kids under control and , if they cannot, for whatever reason, they can ask that family to leave. Just as they can ask an obnoxiously loud adult to leave, or an adult who is insulting the waitstaff, and so on.

    11. Melonhead*

      Before we had kids, my husband and I insisted our kids would never run around in restaurants.

      Then we had two kids, and guess what: they never ran around in restaurants. They were strapped into high chairs and then had to sit in booster seats. If they fussed, we took them outside – or left.

      Having kids makes your life incredibly inconvenient. But kids can behave in restaurants.

  21. LGC*

    Okay, so this week, I’m asking the AAM run crew for advice.

    The past couple of days, I’ve just been…off in terms of hitting my marks. I’ve had some minor stress (which I’m making a lot more major than it should be), and now it’s just bleeding out into me having a few “bad days” in a row.

    This would be fine but I have a couple of races coming up. At this point, I’m just mad at myself for not being able to focus! Advice?

    1. TL -*

      My advice would be not to stress about it, but see if there’s something you can switch up about your training – either super upbeat/fast music or fartleks usually works for me, something where I can focus on going faster in the moment without stressing about my overall time.

      1. LGC*

        I’m pretty anal about Sticking To The Plan, but…that might be worth considering!

        Funny enough, it’s actually been my easy runs that have been SUPER off. Normally I’m around 7:30, but I’ve been running closer to 9:30. And it doesn’t feel like I’m going that slow.

        1. Headachey*

          Running your easier runs easier isn’t going to hurt you or your race prep. You might even run your easy runs untimed for a bit so you can focus on keeping them smooth and relaxed – these are recovery miles, after all, so if you run them slower for a while you’ll likely find it easier to hit your paces in your speed & tempo workouts.

          1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

            Along the same lines, I was going to suggest cutting out the easy runs *completely* for a few days and resuming your regular schedule when you felt less stressed. The fact that races are coming up actually may make this guidance *more* valid. You don’t want to be burned out for your races! And some running experts actually say that increased stress is a side effect of overtraining.

            This year, I’m experimenting with doing away with a lot of easy days altogether in my marathon training and building in more rest days. Until my long run today, which was pretty terrible (though I did finish, so yay for that), this plan has been working out very well for me. But every runner is different and what works for one may very well not work at all for another!

          2. LGC*

            …I mean, you’re right. But it’s one of those things that bothers me – usually, I don’t go much above 8 naturally.

    2. Justin*

      Find an attainable goal for a short race and focus on that. I had a hot, weak-legged 20 mile run two weeks ago, focused on a 5k the following week and went from there.

      1. LGC*

        True – and fortunately I have a fairly low pressure race coming up! (It’s a half marathon that I’m going to take at goal marathon pace. Yeah, that’s low pressure for me, since I’m not trying to PR.)

  22. Anon OCD*

    Does anyone have experience with OCD/anxiety? I suspect I have OCD by taking the tests. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist but not for another month. Does anyone have any tips to ease the anxiety and compulsions?

    1. Sapphire*

      I struggle with anxiety, and one of the things that helps me in the moment is quoting Hamilton lyrics in my head (or any song). The act of trying to remember how a song goes breaks my pattern of thought. I also tend to watch movies or TV shows for a similar effect, gives my brain something else to focus on.
      I should note I’m also on an antidepressant because I have that too, and that seems to help as well. Your mileage may vary on the medication.

    2. Kate Daniels*

      I do. Several years ago, I took anxiety meds, but I’ve been off them for a few years. Earlier this summer, I realized that I really should go back on them, but it’s been a frustrating experience trying to set up an appointment with a psychiatrist so I can get a prescription. I’m slated for mid-October.

      What I’ve been doing over the summer is a massive declutter of everything in my apartment. I’ve donated about ten boxes full of things, which is a lot for me because I live in a studio apartment with just one closet. It’s given me something to do that I feel like I have complete control over. Having a clean, super tidy apartment has also been great for my mental health. One of my compulsions involves needing to do these quick “checks” walking from room to room to make sure everything is in place (dish towels straightened precisely, blanket on couch folded exactly so, etc.). Less stuff has made it a million times much easier to clean and stay that way because I no longer have anything out on tables or counters. Consequently, I feel more settled/at ease because while I haven’t been able to stop myself from doing these “checks,” often times there’s nothing that I need to do or fix.

      That being said, I’m also embracing minimalism and owning less stuff as a lifestyle change to save money and become more environmentally friendly by reducing consumption, so I wouldn’t recommend this approach if you feel like you would later regret getting rid of a lot of your stuff. It was hard for me to overcome the initial obstacle of feeling like I was wasting money by getting rid of items I hadn’t even really worn or used, but I haven’t missed anything I’ve gotten rid of and I think it’ll save me more money in the long run because I’ve ditched the shopping habit and no longer have the desire to buy things.

      1. Anon OCD*

        I think a big part of why it’s grown lately is because I am expanding my life. I have a new house, which means way more locks to check again and again every night. I’ve realized I haven’t lived a lot because of all the mess it brings, and I want to work through that.

    3. Doloris Van Cartier*

      I’ve just gotten back into therapy as my OCD was getting worse and there are a few things that I’ve found a few things to help. the first is to acknowledge your actions and in the moment to not shame yourself for having them. For me, that would make my anxiety increase even more which would then make me repeat the action. I didn’t want to deal with the thoughts because logically I knew they were not possible so I would just not acknowledge how often I was spiraling and then when it I did happen, I’d just make it worse by getting angry with myself.

      I also started journaling to better understand patterns about my obsessive behaviors. I never noticed that on the day I had a meeting I dreaded at work was often the day that I would have to drive around the block 10 times because I thought I hit someone. Having a little bit of knowledge allowed me to be proactive in managing those feelings by putting some safe guards in place to help curve the thoughts before they got out of control.

      I also do have a lot of inner talks with myself and a little bit of a mantra. Sometimes I just have to say to myself “you know X to cause this horrific situation. Stop, breathe, and let’s keep going. You are ok”. Sometimes I have to sit in my car for a few minutes to just recenter myself.

      I think the last thing is to try and find activities that engage you and make you happy. I’ve noticed when I’m into a really good book or finishing up a coloring page, I’m much less likely to start googling police records to make sure I haven’t done something awful. It’s like my brain makes less room for those thoughts if I can find something to fill up the space.

      Sending positive thoughts your way!

    4. AnonToo*

      I’m sorry, OCD sucks. Probably the easiest things you can do right now is to Notice, Name, and Accept. Notice your feelings and behaviors and acknowledge them to yourself. “I see that I am doing X because I feel Y because of Z.” You don’t have to try and stop doing X, that’s for therapy. But somehow matter-of-factly noticing helps. Say it out loud or write it down. Then try and accept your feelings of anxiety and acknowledge that they come from a fear of uncertainty and a lack of control. Accept your need to do any compulsive rituals right now. You won’t always need them but it’s ok for now. You’re taking care of yourself the best you know how. You’ll get better techniques in therapy. Your thoughts and feelings are ok and don’t have to be acted on or define you. You can also recognize and label your anxious thoughts as junk mail or a troll talking. Again, don’t try to stop them, just recognize they’re happening and let them do their thing and pass. It’s like that cliche about not thinking about polar bears, if you try not to think about something it will suddenly become all you can think about. But if you acknowledge your anxiety and accept it then it’s easier to let it pass or distract yourself with something else. Try experimenting with different things and see what works to distract without amplifying your anxiety. If you need to perform your rituals then go ahead. These are just experiments. You can also experiment with meditation and controlled breathing. And try and always speak to yourself with kindness and compassion. This is a hard condition to live with and it helps to be on your own side.

      “The Feeling Good Handbook” is a really good workbook. I also like the articles on OCD LA’s website.

    5. Wishing You Well*

      In addition to all the usual, good advice, exercise – a lot. Join a gym, maybe.
      Sending you good thoughts!

    6. Melonhead*

      Aha! Google “EFT tapping.” It seems unbelievable, but a lot of people find it helpful. I have used it. The technique may help you get through the month. Good luck!

  23. Bibliovore*

    Checking in. My computer died. The loaner was so out of date that it can’t talk to google drive, word does not work nor WordPress. Wrote to the IT guy and we have agreed that it was a sign that I shouldn’t be working this weekend.
    True.
    I am at The Lake.
    This uncomfortable feeling must be withdrawal.
    Mine is fixed and can be picked up on Tues.
    Reading fun not work related stuff.

  24. CatCat*

    I’ve been reading a book called “The Dorito Effect” about how modern agricultural practices to increase crop yields have impacted the flavor of foods (making them more bland) and the rise of the flavor industry to add flavor to food.

    It’s been a fascinating read and really educational. I’d be interested in reading more books that are in a similar vein to learn more. Has anyone read this book and can make some recommendations?

    2. Ali G*

      Have you read the Omnivore’s Dilemma? Not sure if it’s quite the same vein, but it’s all about modern ag – with a focus on meat production and how our food choices affect the environment.

    3. The New Wanderer*

      I haven’t read that book yet but it sounds really interesting, I put it on my list. Have you read Fast Food Nation by Eric Schlosser? It’s from 2001 but also covers the chemical additives industry.

    4. Conspiracy Theorist*

      A similar book is “Your Right to Know: Genetic Engineering and the Secret Changes in Your Food,” by Andrew Kimbrell. Below is a quote from the author.

      “Genetically engineered crops – corn and soy – were never designed to feed the world. They were designed to feed the bank accounts, the bottom line of commodity sellers, who are selling it for gasoline, selling it for the food for these animal factories and for these processed foods – high fructose corn syrup, soy lecithin etc. They were never designed to feed anybody. And they do not increase yield. What they do is they make it easier for these massive commodity factories – these hundreds of thousands of acres – to spread their chemicals.”

    5. Charlotte Collins*

      I read that book and recommended it to a bunch of people. Michael Pollan is great for similar works. I’d also recommend “Fast Food Nation.” There’s also a book called “Coming Home to Eat” by an ethnobotanist that is interesting in a different way (he did some extreme locavorism). Barbara Kingsolver has also written a book about her family’s locavore adventure. There’s also a book “How We Eat with our Eyes and Think with Our Stomachs” that is really interesting.

      To be more obscure, Margaret Powell’s books discuss some of these issues from a different perspective. She was a cook who worked in British houses in the 1920s and 1930s, and she talks about how the food changed over the decades. Also, it’s a fascinating picture for anyone who’s interested in life below stairs in the early 20th century. (Downton Abbey fans take note.)

  25. Brelade*

    A friend and money dilemma!

    I loaned a big sum of money to a friend – she’s my best friend and I know she would do the same for me. The deal was to pay me back by a certain date – and she paid it back in full – early! However she also paid me back around 15% on top, she says as interest, and that she’ll be insulted if I don’t take it. I feel terrible! The deal was a straight loan between friends. We’ve talked about it and she’s adamant I should keep it but I feel bad. What would you do?

    4. Ciara Amberlie*

      Seconding the charity idea. Or use it to do something nice for both of you together, a meal out, a spa day, that sort of thing (depending on how much money it is!)

    5. Drama Llama*

      Fifteen per cent sounds like a large interest. If it makes her feel better to give you interest I think it’s okay to accept it. But tell her you don’t want to take advantage of her any more than her taking advantage of you – it should be fair to both sides. Agree on an interest rate that is reasonable according to current rates.

      1. BRR*

        Yeah 15% is a lot of interest, it’s around the average credit card interest rate. I’d donate it, take the friend out for a meal, or if I knew they really needed it I’d take the amount in cash and leave it in their house (with them knowing).

        1. Nacho*

          Depends how long the loan was. Credit cards are around 15% annually and compounded, so if this loan was over the course or multiple years, the APR on a 15% rate of return might be only a few percentage points per year if you’re calculating it the same way you would a credit card loan.

    6. LGC*

      Keep it but save it. If she’s going to feel insulted, the best thing I can think of doing is saving it for if/when you’re in the same position.

      Or you can use the “interest” to buy her a gift. Not immediately, though!

    8. Jessi*

      Take her out to dinner with the extra money, or take her to a show with the extra money. Something fun, that will create a lovely memory!

      it can be really hard to deal with all things money with friends as we all have our own hangups around it.

    9. Traffic_Spiral*

      If she says she wants you to have it – keep it. Generally as a rule if someone tells you what they want, you should believe them. That being said, you’re perfectly free to take her out to dinner and/or a show with the money as a compromise.

    10. Not So NewReader*

      A family member stopped doing loans with interest when they found out that interest has to be reported to the IRS. Tell your friend that you now realize you can’t do that again, so the next time interest looks like pizza or subs or whatever food you guys share have a meal together instead.

      1. Jerry Vandesic*

        It doesn’t matter if you charge interest or not. You need to pay taxes on interest even if you don’t get paid interest. Forgoing interest is interpreted by the IRS as a gift to the lendee, paid out of the interest they owed you — and you need to pay taxes on the amount of interest they would owe you.

        If you don’t charge interest, the IRS will calculate a minimum amount of interest using the Index of Applicable Federal Rates (AFR), which is published every month. For a short term loan, the current AFR is 2.51% when compounded annually. For example, if you loaned someone $10K, and they paid you back a year later, you would have $251 of interest to pay taxes on, whether or not you charged or were paid any interest.

    11. Nacho*

      Use at least some of the money to treat her to a nice meal or a concert or something.

      Also, how long was the loan for? Are we talking years, or months? Most people pay ~15% interest on their credit cards annually, so if she’s trying to pay that for a 4 month loan, you might have a valid argument to get her to drop the amount a little bit.

    12. Scubacat*

      I’d keep it , donate it, or take the friend out to dinner. Your friend is very firm on her wishes regarding the interest.

      1. Engineering consultant*

        +1, I thought it was going to be along the lines of “she disappeared from all contact” type of thing.

        I would say use the extra money to treat her to a luxurious experience on her birthday.

  26. Friend Judge*

    Okay, it’s a taboo to bad mouth your friends so let’s have a judgment free judgment thread of the annoying/frustrating/inappripriate things your friends do that you quietly disapprove of.

    My friend A is super sensitive about being single. I hate it when she twists innocuous comments into a personal criticism of her being single and lashes out. The other day she was showing us a new handbag. I remarked “Oh that’s gorgeous, I’m jealous!” Well, apparently that was the Wrong Thing to say. Because she launched into a tirade about how it’s not her fault I am married with children so I don’t get to buy nice things. Then it evolved into a lengthier rant about how she refuses to feel guilty for doing nice things Married Parents can’t do.

    I let it go because I know this is unlike her usual warm and caring personality. These rants stem from her complicated feelings about being single. But honestly it’s tiring dealing with her getting angry at me over what is essentially her own personal issue.

    I’ve tried to gently talk to her about this issue but she flips out. She puts me in the category of Married With Children so she responds with hostility if I attempt to say anything on the subject. I’m quietly waiting for her to deal with this in her own time so she doesn’t attack me anymore…but yeah. It’s getting old.

    1. A.N. O'Nyme*

      I had a (now ex, but that’s a different story) friend who had to make everything about her. You mention the city she was born in but didn’t live in for long? “Oh, I’M ORIGINALLY FROM *CITY*”. Say something about your boyfriend? She’ll interrupt you with “Oh, lemme tell you about this thing mine did…”
      Looking back, I’m surprised we remained friends as long as we did.

    2. TL -*

      My friend has two very young children and it is so hard to get her to talk about things that are not her children and/or family.
      She listens to me when I need to vent/talk but it’s really hard for her to stay on track and follow up – she tries, but then she’s always like, “You know what would cheer TL – up? Pictures of my babies!”

      Her kids are cute, I love her, I love them, I even love her husband, but I will be glad when they’re older and she’s out of the parenting haze.

    3. Anonforthis one*

      My good friend and his spouse, who live two blocks from me, are clearly trying to spend themselves out of serious marital issues.

      Issue? Moved to fancy apartment.
      Issue? Got a dog.
      Issue? Big new trip!

      They cannot afford this, and the eventual fallout is going to be ugly. I’m emotionally distancing myself, but watching with hands over my eyes.

      2. Wishing You Well*

        I’m sorry. I have a couple of friends who are also spending like there’s no tomorrow. “Watching with hands over my eyes” is a good description!

    4. Kate Daniels*

      I have a friend who just turned forty, but is convinced that everyone thinks she looks like she is a teen or in her twenties. If there’s ever any discussion about age, she will always bring up how “people” think she looks like she’s in her twenties. She likes the idea of looking like she’s really young for her age, but I secretly think she looks her age (which is not a bad thing!). It almost seems like she is always looking for others to tell her she looks really young for her age… but the truth is, she doesn’t.

      1. kc89*

        oh man that would get old really quickly

        if you’re going to talk about looking a decade+ younger than you better actually look it

        1. Ann Furthermore*

          Agreed. I’m 50, and I’m often told that I look younger. I may, or I may not. I will say that although I haven’t done everything right, I have taken very good care of my skin. I started using moisturizer and eye cream when I was about 21. My roommate at the time was studying to be an esthetician and really harped on how important it was. So it’s possible that I do look younger than I am. My hairdresser told me she would put me in my late 30’s, which I think is pushing it, but still, it’s a nice compliment to get. But…I sill don’t go around telling everyone how young I look.

      2. Effie, who is herself again*

        Oh my gosh, a friend of a friend does this too! She’s in her forties and she seems to feel the need to compete with everything that we say (other than Mutual Friend, she clearly holds Mutual friend in higher regard than she does everyone else in Friend Group). The thing that bothers me the most is in regards to her talking about her looks – she humble brags about how “people” always says that she looks as if she’s in her late twenties. If you ask me, those people are being polite – or they exist in her head.

    5. anon for this*

      my friend has a dog and she clearly loves it very much, but she is just not set up to have a dog

      she lives in a no dogs allowed apartment, so anytime the dog barks she runs over and clamps his mouth shut going SHHHHHH and getting close to tears she gets so upset

      anytime they need to take the dog out to go to the bathroom they have to wrap it up in a blanket and drive to a park so the neighbors don’t see the dog (which makes me think the dog doesn’t get the change to go as often as he should because who is going to do that multiple times throughout the day)

      my friend stresses out over the dog constantly and doesn’t allow it to just be a dog, she’s only happy if it’s lying down quietly next to her (at least inside the apartment)

      she does love the dog and she loves taking him to the beach etc.

      It’s just like I said she is simply not set up to own a dog right now.

      3. School Psych*

        So I have a barkier dog and what your friend is doing when her dog barks is going to really confuse him. It might even make him aggressive, since dogs sometimes bark to communicate that they want someone or something to back off. If he doesn’t have the option to give a warning bark, he’ll go straight to biting when he’s in a situation he finds stressful. Wrapping him up and hiding him to take him outside is also going to potentially make it a lot harder for him to learn appropriate bathroom habits when he is in a place where they don’t have to do this. If she really loves the dog, she should consider re-homing him. I’ve done a lot of training with my dog and it’s really important to correct them in a way that doesn’t make it seem like things they do by instinct are always wrong. Dogs can learn not to bark indoors and many other things using positive reinforcement. She’s setting this dog up to be much more challenging to find a new home for when she realizes she can’t keep him.

      4. Friend Judge*

        Oh man. That makes me so sad, and I don’t even like dogs. Unless I thought he might end up in a pound, I would be sorely tempted to anonymously report she has a secret pet.

    6. Red Reader*

      A couple of my very dear friends have husbands that I just cannot stand. I kinda don’t actually want to tell them that I can’t stand the husbands because there’s really not a positive outcome there and I don’t want them to feel put in the middle – they’re not objectively bad guys, it’s more just a personality clash, which isn’t anybody’s fault. But it’s a lot easier to avoid the boyfriend I don’t like than the spouse I don’t like :-P

      1. Marion Ravenwood*

        I’d dearly like to do this with my sisters’ husbands (who earned themselves a VERY unflattering nickname after ruining my wedding and relentlessly bully my husband at family events), but I fear that would just result in me getting even more shut out of the family than I already am. So I just try to spend as little time with them as possible.

    7. neverjaunty*

      If she keeps lashing out at you like this, it IS her. “Warm and caring” people who are decent friends don’t repeatedly tear their friends’ heads off over completely innocuous compliments, and they don’t flip out when you try to explain there’s a problem.

      2. Friend Judge*

        There definitely was a period of time when I distanced myself from her because she ONLY talked about being single and snapped at me far too often for me to tolerate. She’s a lot better now – at a point where I can handle it by reminding myself of her usual sweet personality and understanding this is something she struggles with.

        1. neverjaunty*

          But this is part of her “usual” personality. Even if she’s calmed down some, you have a friend who repeatedly lashed out at you rather than lean on you, and who “flipped out” when you tried to talk to her about it. That’s… not how friends are supposed to act.

    8. Mara*

      My friend who is always late is driving me to the point where I am making less and less of an effort to meet up with her. I have told her multiple times that I need her to be on time. Now I’ve started to just do the thing that we planned on doing at the given time without her, because I am just so done waiting around. She also never says sorry, but instead always has some kind of excuse for why she’s late. I do wonder if she will ever realize how big of an issue it is.
      Of course she is great otherwise.

    9. Foreign Octopus*

      My friend turns up uninvited to my house and brings her big, rowdy dogs with her. No matter how many times I tell her to call ahead first, she just rocks up with the excuse “I was in the neighbourhood, it’d be rude not to pop in and say hi.”

      No, honey, it’s rude to turn up unannounced and then stay for three hours despite the fact that it’s clear I’m in the middle of something.

      I love her but if I could change just one thing about her, this would be it.

        1. Foreign Octopus*

          Easier said than done, unfortunately.

          I know what I’d like to say but in the face of her actually being there I cave like a wet paper bag. Besides, she doesn’t actually knock on the door. She comes around the side of the house to the porch, which is in the sun but shaded during the day so it’s a perfect place to sit, and surprises me there.

          1. Triplestep*

            Stand up when she gets there so that she cannot sit down with you. I had a manager who did this when he didn’t have time to talk in his office, and it worked really well. If it seemed like someone was going to stay more than just a quick hit, it somehow was always time to go re-fill his water bottle!

            1. Foreign Octopus*

              I know you’ll probably say return the rudeness to sender but that just feels so rude and awkward to me. I know she’s the one making it like that but I’m not sure I could pull this off, tbh.

              1. Triplestep*

                I would not say to be overtly rude to her, but if you see her walking up to your perfect sitting place, stand to greet her, then remain standing as you chat, walking slowly towards the front of your house so she can be on her way. :-) (It does not have to feel like a slap in the fact to her.)

          2. Wishing You Well*

            Oof. Sorry you’re dealing with this.
            Do you have a lockable gate? Can you say,”There’s my phone. It’s going to be a long call. See you next time” and walk in the house? Could you ask for what you need in an email?
            I’m wishing you luck and sending you good vibes.

            1. Foreign Octopus*

              I wish I did but I live in a very rural area where my nearest neighbours are cows – a calf actually broke into my garden this afternoon and I had to coax it out – so my land sort of eases onto public land with just the usual crumbling stone hedges as a sort of boundary. I do have an old iron gate but that doesn’t look. I just keep it shut to keep the dog in.

              I’ve actually tried the phone thing before but she said she’d wait – an hour later she’s still there.

              I honestly don’t understand this aspect of her personality. She’s so astute normally and I’ve spelt it out for her but she just doesn’t get it.

                1. Foreign Octopus*

                  Thanks. I think it is.

                  I was able to get it cheap because I moved to Spain. I’d never have been able to afford anything like it in the UK.

      2. Friend Judge*

        That would drive me nuts. If it were me I would just be straight up with her about it. “Hey, thanks for dropping by but I’m not available today. Call me next time and we can arrange a time when we’re both free. Nice to see you and catch up another time!” Say this while standing up then back up into the house before shutting the door.

        You’ve told her clearly she has to call ahead first – so it’s not rude at all to enforce that.

    10. long time poster, first time reader*

      I have to go anon for this.
      My friend is obsessed with getting married and having kids. She’s also certain that by about 30 all women lose their looks, go down hill, and are unwanted by men. She is a smart and talented woman and has accomplished so much, but can only focus on getting a man, having a kid, and how a woman needs to be taken care of by a man. She is sure that every woman wants and needs a child, but she doesn’t sound like she herself really believes what she’s saying.

      1. Lora*

        *blinks*… I saw how this attitude played out with my mother, who is technically young Greatest Generation but acts more like a Baby Boomer. She and my aunts, with only one exception, learned the very hard way that you need to take care of yourself. My father died when I was young, my aunt’s husband beat her for years and drank his paycheck before he died, another aunt was cheated on and divorced after 25 years of marriage. Have known many many women my mother’s age who also stayed in abusive relationships because they thought they could not take care of themselves. To this day I know many women even Gen X age who still flat out tell me they think I am doing a man’s job/chore.

        Also? Having been in multiple relationships where I was expected to do everything and take care of another adult, I feel like I can say for sure that it SUCKS. It gets very transactional: I paid the electric bill, now you get over here and rub my back. And you feel like a parent towards them instead of a partner. You don’t respect them as a fully adult person like you would respect a peer, because you’re caring for them like a teenager.

        However, having said that, a lot of people only learn the hard way. There was a fashion in the 80s where women like Phyllis Schlafly would go about telling women to rely on their husbands, and IIRC a few of them got dumped for a younger model in the 90s sort of thing.

    11. Waiting for the Sun*

      Minor gripe about a good friend: We went to a cafe that has a rewards card. We ordered the same thing and I didn’t use one. She asked if my purchase could be put on her card. Just kinda cringe-inducing.

      A bigger concern is relating to friends from college days whom I have hardly any tastes in common with anymore. I can’t even pretend to be interested in most of the television shows they enjoy (celebrity gossip, mediums) and they probably feel the same way about my likes. It gets really awkward sometimes.

      1. Katrin*

        Why is that cringe inducing? It would have gone to waste. This is a totally normal thing to do among people I know.

        1. Waiting for the Sun*

          IDK, it just surprised me. If I’d thought about it I would have picked up one of the reel cards off the counter and gotten one for myself.

    12. Loopy*

      I have a friend, T. T has made a massive irreversible Life Decision. It really it not something T can go back on.

      I am so so sick of hearing T complain about this. T is not in danger. T made a decision as an adult and doesn’t like the downsides. I’m struggling so, so incredibly hard to be empathetic.

    13. Traffic_Spiral*

      I have a friend who’s nice but a total passive-aggressive flake. She probably backs out of 90% of the plans we make one way or another. Also, she can never back out at a reasonable time – it’s always within 2 hours or less of the event. For example, we invite her to a dinner party that we’re cooking some fancy (and sorta pricey) stuff for, so we confirm with her before we do the grocery shopping. She says “yes, me and hubby will be there – he might be a little late though. Then, once we’ve bought all the food for both of them and started cooking it, texts with “oh, we’ve come down with The Sickness and cannot come.” Or we plan an event that you have to make reservations for, and because she’s said she’ll go (and usually hubs) we have to get less-nice spots because of the group size. Then, of course, once everyone else is there and we can’t get the good spots anymore, geez, she’s tired or has a headache or the flu or something. Always, always, suddenly sick within an hour of the event. Somehow she’s in the perfect pink of health 3 hours before, and the day before, or feeling poorly but determined to show up, but dagnabbit, The Sickness always shows up at the last minute.

      Further, if she’s not saying yes then backing out after you’ve made the reservation or otherwise put yourself out to make arrangements for her, she’s saying something like “wow, that sounds great,” when you ask her about doing something – which apparently for her means “that sounds nice but I’m not going.”

      It’s like, Suffering Christ, lady! Just fucking say no if you don’t want to go! Stop making life more difficult for everyone around you by making plans with them that you’re just gonna back out of! I like her when she does show up, but christ, it’s a pain!

      1. Lissa*

        I have friends I no longer see in anything except big group events because of this. I have no interest in arguing with them about the legitimacy of their illness because it doesn’t matter, true or not if I’m left holding the bag over half the time we’re supposed to see each other, it’s going to hurt my feelings and I’m going to back away.

        1. Traffic_Spiral*

          This is pretty much where we’re at now. I don’t want to judge anyone else’s health, but it’s just awful odd that these random sicknesses always pop up an hour before what we have planned.

      2. Friend Judge*

        That would drive me fucking nuts. I had a friend who did this, too. My final straw was when she cancelled out on me after we re-scheduled a lunch she previously flaked on only a few days earlier; and I had moved my schedule around to accommodate her to meet the second time. When she cancelled with a boohoo story half an hour before our lunch, I replied with one word, “wow.” Then deleted her number, erased her off my social media, then never contacted her again.

        She’s a nice person and all, but to me there is nothing that makes up for that kind of flakiness.

      3. Observer*

        Why do you still keep making plans with her? This is how she operates, and it doesn’t sound like it’s worth thei aggravation.

        1. Traffic_Spiral*

          She’s part of the friend group, on the chat circles, etc. Either we organize a mass shunning or she’s still going to be around to RSVP ‘yes’ and back out. But yes, at this point I make practically no one-on-one plans with her because there’s just too much risk of getting stood up at the last minute.

          We chat over text and get along fine that way – you just can’t make plans with her.

          1. neverjaunty*

            Don’t include her in friend-group invites that require planning. That doesn’t have to be a mass shunning. It just means inviting her only to events where canceling won’t matter (like a casual party).

            If she gets upset about this, you can be pretty blunt about why things are that way.

            1. Observer*

              Exactly this. If this is something where numbers matter, you don’t invite her. If she invites herself, you tell her flat out that given her track record, the non-invitation was not an accident. No, it’s not her fault, she can’t help it, etc. but when you have such a run of “bad luck”, you simply can’t deal with it.

      4. GibbsRule#18*

        This is my sister-in-law. She “got sick” about an hour before my wedding. I had never met her and it took months for me to meet her after the wedding. Apparently she has a pattern of doing this, so I didn’t feel too put out. But I always roll my eyes when my husband tells me she is going to be at an event. 9 times out of 10 she doesn’t show. She is married to my husband’s brother who is a lovely man, but always makes excuses for her. I’ve been married for 3+ years and have seen her twice. And we lie in the same city.

    14. That Friend*

      I’m like your friend. I know saying these things is dumb and wrong and alienating. But when you’re in a lot of pain, things pop out you wish they wouldn’t. What I’m actually doing asking, in a bad way, is for someone to validate my pain. I am so sick of people telling me to look on the bright side or tell me how jealous they are of my free time and money.

      I am freaking lonely and only want what the rest of the world seems so easy to find. Just try listening to your friend, express sympathy and don’t try to talk her out of being bummed. It sucks and she has to work through that. Maybe then the comments, which are a cry for love, will stop.

      1. Waiting for the Sun*

        I share that. It is hard, and I wonder, “why; what did I do wrong?” Found some peace through Buddhism.

      2. Kj*

        Are you in counseling or have you considered it? You sound in a lot of pain and when you find yourself doing alienating things even when you know they are causing you problems, it is worth seeking out support. A therapist will valiadate your pain and help you find a way out of it. A friend may not know to do this and frankly, if you are saying rude stuff to them, they may not want the job.

        1. That Friend*

          It’s like when you’re infertile and your friend complains about the baby keeping her up all night. And finally you pop out with, “At least you have a baby. I’m barren.” You know that isn’t good or helpful, but it’s hard to keep in all the time.

          I’m not saying rude things all the time or going off on my friends like the OP is complaining of. I just sometimes let something out I wish I didn’t. If she values the friendship, which it seems she does, I’m just offering a point of view as to why this is happening. She doesn’t have to put up with it nor is she wrong to be bothered by it.

          1. Friend Judge*

            Thanks, that does help seeing it from her perspective – particularly in the context of her normally thoughtful nature.

          2. Julia*

            Yeah, this is really tough. I wish my SIL would stop telling me to “enjoy my baby-free time while I still can” when she knows I have endometriosis and might never have a baby. That’s just insensitive. But I also have friends who just talk about their babies and the good and the hard stuff, and I don’t mind that. I realize that my just because I don’t mind doesn’t mean you can’t, and maybe I will mind some day, but for now, the way people talk makes a difference to me.

            I’m also trying really hard to not complain about my husband to my single friends, but when most of my close friends are single, it’s hard because I sometimes need to talk to someone (other than my therapist). I really try hard not to be all “marriage is just as hard as single life” on them, but when I get a lot of “your life is so much easier because you’re married” right in the middle of figuring out where we can both work and see our families (international marriage), or my husband left me crying on my own to play games, I want to tell them that being married isn’t always easier. (And I’m still miffed that one friend kind of ditched me for a while after I got married, because I didn’t have time for her once – due to a deadline in grad school, not due to being married!)
            That said, I also hated when married people told me that I had such a great life as a single woman – if you really thought that, why did you get married in the first place?

            1. Lehigh*

              Are any of your single friends happy with being single? Those ones I would think you could talk more freely with. When I was single, I didn’t think my married friends were better off than I was–because I wasn’t looking to get married, so it wasn’t a pain point for me.

              But do avoid saying things like, “I wish I were single” or “You’re so lucky.” Those comments are obnoxious–as is what your SIL is saying–and different from “Ugh, Spouse is doing X and it’s really hard,” which is totally valid.

              1. Julia*

                I never say “I wish I were single” or “you’re so lucky” – if I wanted to be single, I could get a divorce”, but yeah, most of my single friends are looking for someone. Luckily, my best friend is happily single at least, but I kind of don’t want her to be the only one who has to listen to my complaints.

            2. Ann O'Neamus*

              Any advice where can a lovely 50-something woman meet great single guys (mid 40s to 60s) who are interested in marrying an age appropriate woman?

          3. neverjaunty*

            This “friend” is lashing out over compliments about a handbag she’s showing off. This is more like if you showed your friend your cute new shoes, and when she says “they’re cute!” you start lecturing her about how she could have nicer shoes if she didn’t have a baby. And then flipped out when she tried to talk to you about that.

            Attacking people when you’re in pain and hoping they’ll respond with love is not rational and is an impulse that a good therapist can help with.

      3. Lissa*

        I don’t know – the comments the OP of this thread is describing sound downright mean, and I think asking somebody else to accept a hurtful comment and instead express love and sympathy is too much. If a friend of mine say something hurtful, I am not saying I’d immediately cut them off or get into it with them – if they apologized and explained where they were coming from, I’d forgive them of course – I’ve said bad things too, or had something come out of my mouth and been like “ugh WHY did I say that” including in circumstances where it absolutely had to do with sad life circumstances of my own. But I don’t think it’s right to expect the friend to do the work when it’s me who’s said the mean thing. An honest conversation could definitely happen and that would probably be best for both parties.

        1. Friend Judge*

          Yeah…what Lissa said.

          The kind of support you can provide as a friend is quite different to that of a therapist, who is paid to do nothing other than listen to your gripes and hurts and validate your feelings in a healthy way.

          I don’t think it’s actually healthy for friends to play the role of a therapist. I would support my friend and love her – but within reasonable boundaries where it does not impair my own emotional health.

    15. Wishing You Well*

      Walking on eggshells does get old. Eventually, I quit 2 friendships over this. One friendship lasted about 10 years, the other 13 years. The eggshell walking got worse over time, not better. If a person is willing to attack you verbally multiple times, well…it’s not a good sign. The 13 year friendship ended when she reamed me out for an elaborate, IMAGINARY incident involving others who confirmed the event never happened. I had enough.
      Your time and peace of mind are valuable. Protect both.

    16. Triplestep*

      Can I get some judgement-free space for the things my daughter does that make me want to bang my head against something hard?

      A lot of this is probably regular mother/daughter stuff, but I secretly fear that she is an entitled millennial (sorry, millennials!) She says owns her privilege, but she really does not. (We are white and educated; she just graduated from a private university with very little debt thanks to us.) I read the workplace stories here about interns, and worry what she might be like at her job. (Which, by the way, she has due in large part to my encouraging her to use the resources available here.)

      I have joked for years that she enjoys her privileged lifestyle and resents us for providing it to her, but now that she’s living at home (poised to move out, but not yet) it is way more pronounced. As a student she complained about the “rich white kids” at her brand name school without a hint of irony.

      I am a product of second wave feminism – my generation and mother’s fought for women to be heard, but if you listen to my daughter, she and her contemporaries should not have to say things that are obvious – people should just know. There is a whole set of rules I have to follow when talking to her, including I am not aloud to “assume” anything (how would that work exactly?) Unless of course she WANTS me to fill in the blanks and assume things she hasn’t said (or texted) and then she’s offended when I don’t.

      I was excited to have her home as a grown up, but this is like living with the 12 year-old version of her all over again!

      1. Lehigh*

        My sympathies. I would encourage you that your daughter may just be having some “revertigo” living under your roof–I know my mother and I get along MUCH better when we do not live together. Something about being in one’s mother’s home again, especially full-time, brings out the teenager in many people.

        1. Millenial Lizard Person*

          Agree! My mom and I get along great calling each other once a week and meeting in person like once a a month. Whenever I go to stay with my parents for more than a few days, we both start to get fed up because all the things we don’t have in common are super obvious. This too shall pass.

        2. Annie Moose*

          Yessss, this is me exactly. If I have to spend more than about eight hours with my mom, the odds are good I’m going to revert back to some of my grouchy teenager-like behaviors. The problem is that my mom and I are way too similar and both refuse to admit we’re ever wrong about anything, so we drive each other crazy!! We love each other very much when we only have to see each other for a limited time each week.

          1. Triplestep*

            I know this is really common, but from where I sit, other mothers and daughters aren’t going trough this right now. Her friends are lovely to me – are they being horrible to their own mothers? Maybe.

            2. Owler*

              I hit reply too soon. Despite my comment that others might be treating their moms poorly too, you shouldn’t take this to mean that you can’t point out her behavior as unkind. Think of it this way: if she were treating a friend or sibling this way, you’d tell her to cut it out. She’s not exempt from correction just because you are her parents.

              I would think about what I wanted to say, and I would start the conversation when you aren’t reacting to a current insult. Keep it short and light, but tell her that part of being an adult is not snipping or bringing down your parents.

        3. Marion Ravenwood*

          Agreed. I’m not proud of it, but the one time I was a horrible teenage brat to my parents was the summer after my first year of university. I’d got so used to being independent and living my life how I wanted that to suddenly go back to being under someone else’s rules brought out the worst in me. Now I only see my parents for a week at a time max, and things are much better between us.

          1. Washi*

            Same! I never lived with my parents during the summers between college except for the summer after I graduated, before I started my job, and I’m pretty sure my parents were glad to see the back of me. I found it really hard to have been pretty much completely independent in my day to day life for the past 3.5 years and then go back to having to ask if I could use the car and “what time will you be home?” I also have sort of a self-righteous streak that was in full bloom that summer…so my sympathies to you and your daughter! You will probably both be happy when she moves out!

            1. Triplestep*

              Thanks. And please see my other comments re: Independence (and how real it is when you’re still being supported financially and have no job.)

              Its funny – we want to know her plans for safety, but don’t care when she’s coming home. She has to text if she’s going to stay at someone else’s house overnight. We’ve explained to her that it doesn’t mean we think we’re the boss of her – we check in with each other regularly. My mother lives alone and e-mails me every morning (one word: “Hi”) to tell me she’s OK. Grown ups don’t balk about letting the people close to them know they are safe, and we explained that digging in her heels about this because we are her parents is actually THE OPPOSITE of mature!

          2. Triplestep*

            Thanks. I totally get this , but it gets old fast – she was independent insofar as she was making her own decisions but we were financially supporting her, and any time she had an emergency (financial, logistic, or both) I would swoop in to help as soon ash she asked. I don’t expect to be thanked every day, but it would be nice if she acknowledged that whiteness is not her only privilege. People (her step-father and I) made very real sacrifices in order to her to have her “independence.”

        4. Triplestep*

          Thanks, I know that’s probably part of it. It’s also a weird time of life in general. She landed a job about a week before graduation, was so relieved, and then came home to find that none of her friends had jobs. Most of them are still hanging around their parents homes “looking.” I know she wanted this job – and it’s a good match for her – but I think she feels like she missed out on a summer of lazing around. (She was broke, so that’s not reasonable, but still).

      2. Millenial Lizard Person*

        Amused, sympathetic privileged Millennial here! This sort of reminds me of a cousin who’s basically a communist, gets all huffy if things aren’t fair trade, and loves to redirect every conversation to social justice (eg, you had to go buy professional clothes? Why didn’t you get them fair trade? Don’t you know they’re made by small children in sweatshops in Bangladesh?). She’s a social worker, and she does practice what she preaches. But her parents paid for her to go a very good, very expensive school, and I think she has some guilt about not having lived the struggle she’s fighting.

        I’m curious what kind of things your daughter thinks “everyone” should know?? Privileged people tend to not know about things until (a) it affects them personally or (b) they deliberately go out and educate themselves.

        Does she say you’re “tone policing” her if you ask her to chill?

        1. Triplestep*

          Sometimes the things everyone should know are things just *I* should know. Typically they are things that she hasn’t said or even implied, but if I don’t attribute them to her along with what she is actually saying, then she’s offended. Typically without the added info, she would come off looking bad, so she wants credit for having said it, thought it, gone the extra mile without actually saying the thing.

          A while back there was a scandal involving a woman in her early twenties anonymously coming forward to an online magazine to call out Aziz Ansari for assaulting her. And a lot of women my age (me included) read this and saw it as a story of a bad sexual encounter, not an assault. The woman was saying in so many words that even though Ansari checked in with her periodically, he did not read her body language when they were alone in his apartment. He took her at her word when she said things were OK. And back in the restaurant he’d had the audacity to order wine for her!

          A few weeks later, I don’t remember the details exactly, but I had a conversation with my daughter where she did essentially the same thing. I was supposed to be able to read something between the lines of her tone of voice, or the hesitation in her responses. And I wouldn’t have known I was supposed to be doing this unless she stopped and told me, so why not just tell me what you want me to figure out on my own? Use your words! Your fore-mothers fought for you to be able to use your words!

          And you are spot on about her not knowing things until they impact her personally. It’s been a real education watching her go through this apartment hunting process; she doesn’t want me involved at all, but when I see she does not know some really basic things, it’s hard to stay quiet. If I find a way to tell her things she seems not to know, inevitably she acts like she knew them because she’s “not an idiot, Mom!”

          1. Courageous cat*

            I think the only way to really deal with this is to step back and stay out of it as much as possible. Let her make mistakes and do dumb shit and figure it out on her own later. I was not even a little bit mature in my early 20s, and there have been talks about extending the limits of teenager-dom to 25/26, because you’re still basically a child at that age.

            It took me until my late 20s to start being a fully functioning and normal adult, I would say.

      3. Thursday Next*

        I taught at an expensive name-brand university for many years (though it offers excellent financial aid), and I suspect the transition from that environment to the working world is a tough one. I love teaching college students, but I’m not blind to the fact that there’s way more handholding now than when I started working. Add to that her “revertigo,” from moving back in with you, and it becomes less surprising that she’s difficult to get along with right now.

        I’m sure the dynamic between the two of you will change once she’s on more solid footing.

    17. Middle School Teacher*

      I had to stop being friends with someone because every time we got together, she would ask if I was seeing someone. Or had met anyone. It just got depressing. She married her high-school sweetheart so she genuinely has no concept of what dating in your thirties is like.

      It’s too bad, because she was otherwise a good person and a good friend. But she just seemed convinced that I wasn’t trying hard enough to meet someone, or that I was seeing someone and was holding out on her.

    18. LizB*

      I love my best friend dearly, but she will not stop putting herself down about her weight. We are the same size, and I’ve done a lot of work to stop hating myself since that wasn’t making any positive impact in any respect, but she has no interest in doing that… she’d rather just complain to me all the time. She turns any mention of appearance into negative self-talk (“I love that lipstick!” “Thanks! I just wish I fit into the dress I bought it to wear with…). I want to just shake her and tell her to either accept herself or actually make changes that will lead to weight loss, because this broken record schtick is getting incredibly old.

      1. Lehigh*

        That sounds super frustrating.

        Apologies if you don’t want advice – but could you ask her not to talk to you about her weight? Maybe mention that it’s hard on your own mental space? Sure, it would be healthier for her to actually change how she’s approaching things, but in consideration of you (her best friend) surely she could at least restrict those comments in your presence.

        1. LizB*

          I’ve thought a lot about that, but I don’t plan to do it at this point. Her self-talk is frustrating because I love her and want her to be happy, but I’ve gotten really good at not letting it impact my own feelings about my own body. At some point maybe I’ll have an I’m Concerned About How Often You Mention This chat with her, but for now venting on AAM is plenty for me. :)

      2. Marion Ravenwood*

        That’s me with my best friend too. Even in a completely unrelated conversation she’ll throw in some comment about how fat she is, and it makes me want to scream. (She is a little bigger than me, but definitely not overweight.) Granted she has been going to the gym and working super hard to lose weight, which I’m really proud of her for doing, and I know that food and body image and all that are a big issue for lots of people – including myself. But it’s the fact that it’s constant that I find frustrating. I totally get what you mean about wanting to shake her and say ‘there’s nothing wrong with you’ though! But that approach hasn’t worked in the past, so right now it’s just not responding when she says those things.

    19. Millenial Lizard Person*

      My best friend and I talk online a lot. We live an hour apart, so we can’t get together in person that often. But when we do, she’s often still on her phone texting other mutual friends. Yes I appreciate that you’re constantly online when I want you to be online, but now that I’m offline, I hypocritically want you to be offline too! Aahhhrgh millennials.

    20. Lissa*

      My friend is obsessed with boycotting things, from TV shows to businesses, and expects you to come along on it with her, getting mildly offended if you don’t. I once posted something about how I had a great lunch at Local Restaurant and she commented “didn’t I tell you about that awful meal I had there!? I don’t know why people keep going.” Or I mentioned in passing I was going to hang out with my brother to marathon Show X and she was like “well, I don’t think we should support anything with Actor X.” I mean, ok I would never tell someone not to watch/do a thing they weren’t comfortable with but pleeeaaase stop trying to make that decision for everyone else!

      1. Annie Moose*

        With people like that, I wonder if you’re allowed to go anywhere or watch anything…

        Also, “I don’t think we should support whatever”?? What part of we was involved??

      2. anon for this*

        I have a friend who does something similar, but a little different. Offered her sparkling water because I started drinking it recently (approx. no beer while pregnant, didn’t want soda, settled on sparkling water, sometimes with a drop of bitters or wedge of lime or lemon). She started a long discussion about how she doesn’t drink sparkling water, it’s bad for you and wasteful, she doesn’t know why anyone would drink it. Ok, I’ll put it back in the fridge & drink mine as you denigrate it. Mention I want to go see X low-brow movie. “Oh, I don’t watch things like that!….” with some dissing of popular culture to follow.

    21. Minta*

      I know two people who tend to sign themselves up for things (all different sorts of things: volunteering, travel, courses, visits to family or friends, Fantasy Football, part-time jobs, freelance gigs, renovation projects, whatever). It drives me nuts because they then complain incessantly about the things for which they willingly signed themselves up. They continue to over-commit, get overwhelmed, and then lament aloud, or they become cranky, suceptible to illness, and generally unpleasant to be around–if you can get time with them in the first place.

      This is a great idea for a thread, btw.

    22. Anon today*

      Right now there’s two of em driving me particularly bonkers.
      1. Didn’t know how to discipline / raise children before she had any, doesn’t have family nearby to help, didn’t take the parenting advice of friends because of semi-cultural reasons (it’s complicated). Her older kid is 9 and turned out okay, but the younger one is 7 and is unwelcome basically anywhere other than public school who is legally required to deal with him. He hits, screams, demands attention, pulls on hair, kicks, etc… and that’s when he’s in a good mood. In a bad mood, he hurts himself doing stupid stuff (jumping off the top of the monkey bars and trying to land on concrete, sort of thing) and his parents never say NO or make him listen. So nobody wants to hang out with her because they don’t want to deal with the kid. She’s been fussing at me to hang out really aggressively because otherwise she never gets to leave the house and she’s bored. I don’t want to deal with the kid either…

      2. One of my friends is constantly saying she wants to change her life and make better choices and as soon as she finds out that this involves having to do something difficult and expensive, complains and whines that it shouldn’t have to be so difficult or expensive for her, even though it is difficult and expensive for literally everyone. And then she half-a$$es it and it doesn’t work out and then she has little nervous breakdowns because it isn’t working and it’s dragging on for years and and and…

      For example she wants to get divorced, as she and her spouse fight constantly. Everyone including her lawyer explained how expensive it would be due to the income disparity with her spouse – she would pay a large amount of income in child support and alimony, she would cash out a lot of retirement savings, etc. Everyone including a court social worker and their kids’ pediatrician explained that the current state of affairs was tough on the kids and something must change ASAP because the kids were taking it very hard with constant fighting. But she thinks that the court should order her spouse to get a job so she won’t have to pay child support and doesn’t want to cash out her retirement savings or live in a tiny apartment to pay her share of child support or sell the house and move somewhere less expensive and commute or get a job that pays better and has good benefits even if it isn’t fun.

      These are the crappy choices everyone makes when they get divorced. I’m tired of hearing that it should automagically be different for her, because she just wants to.

    23. Revanche @ A Gai Shan Life*

      Ooh the I’m jealous comments always get under my skin.

      My physical therapist with whom I’d become friendly with kept making comments about being jealous of my life with spouse and kid and other aspects of my life that were good. I just didn’t know what to say in response that wasn’t rude or impatient because my life is most definitely not perfect – I was dealing with a financially-abusive parent at the time. I understand wanting what other people have when they’ve got it before you’ve got it. I understand it as a flippant remark but I don’t get how but I don’t really understand harboring actual jealousy as if it’s their fault you don’t also have it too.

      I never felt comfortable telling her about anything personal after a series of those remarks.

  27. Monty and Millie's Mom*

    Got a new dog yesterday, a rescue! Millie is 4-6 years old and has hypothyroid and arthritis in her knees because of her weight. And hates thunderstorms worse than Monty does, so this morning has been interesting! She’s small – 15-ish pounds, and is probably a min-pin mix, or maybe chihuahua mix? No one knows, but she’s adorable! Never thought we’d get a small dog, but here we are. Monty is doing okay. I think he is waiting to see if she sticks around – we often dog-sit for friends and family, so he’s used to having strange dogs for a few days at a time, but since Mavis died in April, he’s been an only dog. I think Millie will be good for him. Hoping for the best!

    1. Ali G*

      Congratulations! And thanks for adopting :)
      The only thing that has worked for us with thunderstorms is Xanax. Of course you have know it’s coming – but it really takes the edge for my dog.

    3. Basia, also a Fed*

      She’s so lucky that you adopted her and will help her with her health problems! We have three rescued dogs – one of whom was days away from her euthanasia appointment at an overcrowded shelter.

      Good luck to all of you! I hope Monty and Millie become besties soon!

    4. Double A*

      We adopted a dog and named her Millie! (She came with the name I’m a Cutie which is…a sentence, not a name. But she is a cutie). She’s a Pomeranian mix, probably was a backyard breeder until she aged out and they ditched her. She was about 11 when we got her, deaf, and had to have all but 3 teeth removed. She’s a pretty weird dog, is terrified of my husband (even though he’s the one who wanted to get her!) but loves me. But she doesn’t bark which is my single criteria for Good Dog. She’s more like a cat in a lot of ways, which works for us since we’re more cat people. We got an old dog since it’s a shorter term commitment…. But if anyone asks it’s to save an old dog from the pound. And she is living some pretty cush golden years with us out in the country.

  28. HannahS*

    (Potentially TMI health stuff)
    I recently had to go off of my birth control for migraine-with-aura-related reasons. I always had disabling-level painful periods and PMS, and around the time I started presenting with fibromyalgia, being on hormonal birth control became a key part of management along with an anti-convulsant. But a higher risk of stroke is what it is and I had to go off. My doctor noted that my face turned white when she told me. So far, the migraines have pretty much stopped, my libido came raging back (fun, I missed it!) but now I’m just waiting for my next period. If it’s way they were up until two years ago, I doubt I’ll be able to stay in school. I got a referral to a lovely Ob-Gyn (one of my professors, actually), and I’m sure she’ll have some ideas about what to do, but there’s no way to expedite the process, you know? Getting sick and better takes time. And my medical school has no flexibility–if you miss a certain number of days, you can’t graduate with your class, end of story. And it would be fine, if I had to take an extra year. Many of my friends have, unfortunately (we’re not a healthy bunch). So I’m not scared of that, precisely. I’m just kind of dreading the next few months–school aside, I feel I’m in sufficient pain day-to-day and don’t particularly want to get worse.

    1. NWGTNAT*

      Would it be possible to go to an Urgent Care center (or family doctor) to get help with some of the symptoms while you wait to get into the Ob-Gyn?

      1. MommaChem*

        The waiting isn’t for her appointment, it’s for her next period. That’s what she was saying she can’t rush. Her OB/GYN is pretty easy access from what I have read into what she has shared.

        1. HannahS*

          Yes, this is right. The doc can’t start treating me for symptoms until I actually experience them, and the first bleed after stopping a pill is just a withdrawal thing, not an ovulation + menstruation. I’m pretty sure ovulation was last week, so now I’m stuck waiting to be smacked over the next few weeks with whatever symptoms I get smacked with. Could be better than before, could be worse.

    2. StudentA*

      OK, I know you already know this, but bear with me. It’s not what you set out for, the extra year, but you living as pain-free as possible trumps any schooling. And this coming from someone with a graduate degree. It’s crazy. Your story and mine have a lot in common. I grew up with debilitating periods, and I know how agonizing migraines can be. There are other similarities. And I hope it’s ok I say this, but if you’re in med school (from what I gather in your post) you will make a very empathetic doctor.

      1. Julia*

        I think the problem is that the extra year would be DUE to not being pain-free, meaning too much pain to go to class. So it’s essentially a lose-lose situation.

        I second talking to an endometriosis specialist (I feel for you, I have the worst periods too) and consult on other period-suppressing methods, like LJay suggests below.

      2. HannahS*

        Aw thanks! Yeah, I mean, living without the risk of stroke is way more important–as my doctor said, “A stroke is a much worse reason to miss school than menstrual pain.” I just feel a bit defeated, I guess–having fibromyalgia means that going to medical school included a bargain with myself where I would suffer physically for a few years to get the job I want. So I was fine with that, but now it’s like, haha Hannah, deal with migraines and debilitating PMS and periods too! It’s just sucky, and it sounds like you get it too.

    3. Tau*

      Oh no! Crossing my fingers that everything goes well for you and that your periods will have improved and/or your Ob-Gyn will have some good ideas. I’ve had horror periods before (thank you, fibroids) so I totally get that feeling of dreading your next period and sympathise. :(

    4. LJay*

      Would a mini-pill or an implant or similar be a possibility? I have migraines with aura and was told I couldn’t use the regular pill, but that progesterone only pills and birth control types were still okay.

      1. anon for this*

        Mirena is progestin only and some studies indicate it would be ok for migraine with aura sufferers. It’s got its own issues, for sure.

        A friend finally found relief from some of her endometriosis symptoms from a good surgery. Before that, she’d been told to exercise more (college health service), just buck up (next doc), get on antidepressants, and finally take liquid morphine and gabapentin. The last at least kind of worked, as opposed to the first three suggestions.

        Good luck…. it is so hard to deal with.

      2. WS*

        Yes, I have migraines with aura and had a Mirena for period control and it was fantastic. I would highly recommend it – I had 6 weeks of minor spotting and then nothing at all.

    5. GermanGirl*

      I used to have periods from hell as a teenager, which is why I went on the pill somewhat early. When I wanted off the pill, I was really worried about the debilitating cramps I used to get. I stocked up on ibuprofen (recommended by my primary care physician) and hoped for the best. It really wasn’t as bad as I feared it would be. I was able to function enough to get to work and get something done, although I wasn’t up to my usual standards. Drinking herbal tea (anise, fennel and caraway) also helped. After visiting my gynaecologist I’m now on agnus castus and that has helped me a lot, so I can now cope without ibuprofen. Still, I’ll probably never be at my best for those one or two days a month.

      I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you. Hopefully it won’t be as bad as you fear.

      1. Julia*

        As an anecdote, for me naproxen (I think Aleve in the US?) worked much better than ibuprofen for cramps. I think it also works as a muscle-relexant?

    6. Zona the Great*

      Oh goodness. I was recently told I will soon need to go off hormones for the same reason. Can I know how old you are? I’m 32 and not ready for kids nor do I think I want them. I have about 3 migraines with aura per year. I used to have more. I do not want to get an IUD. I get light headed just thinking about it. So I am seriously considering surgical sterilization. It is a scary prospect. What if I change my mind and want kids? Ugh.

      1. Public Health Nerd*

        Yeah, I went through this about a year ago. Seriously miss the hormonal bcp, but really don’t miss the migraines. Went with the iud, which was less bad than I feared. But I had the conversation with the doc about what we would try if this didn’t work. And so far, things have been better. Not perfect, but a lot better than itwas before.

    7. Jules the First*

      I had horrific periods when I was young and went on HBC the minute I could (Mom is anti-hormone so yeah that was fun!). Fast forward 17 years and it was time to come off it so I could test my fertility and I was dreading returning to a 21-day cycle with all of the heavy bleeding and migraines and vomiting and everything.

      It’s been seven months and I’ve literally had no problems. My cycle seems to have settled at about 27 days, I’ve had no cramps, no nausea, no vomiting…basically, nothing has changed from being on the HBC except that I keep forgetting to take my vitamins because I’m no longer taking prescription meds. My MD says sometimes this happens – I have some biggish autoimmune issue and MD says that our bodies just need a little extra guidance figuring out what they should do and once we’ve reset levels chemically, our bodies do just fine on their own.

    8. Dr. Anonymous*

      Nexplanon also comes to mind. If the waiting time to see the obgyn is also an issue, most family docs should be able to handle that for you. I hope things go well!!!

  29. Be the Change*

    Love of the week?

    Mine’s crossfit. I know it’s not everyone’s cuppa, but I’ve found very friendly, non-jackass gyms and have really benefited in terms of health, strength, and learning.

    1. BRR*

      Trader Joe’s canned wine. I’m not a frequent drinker and sometimes at the end of the day I just want a little wine and usually don’t want another glass anytime soon (as in days if not weeks) so opening a bottle isn’t really an option. Now I can just grab a can and they’re good and pretty affordable.

    2. nep*

      Bravo, you, doing Crossfit. The moves are so good for the body, and I agree–the atmosphere is great. Enjoy.

      My love: Rediscovering my Olympus LS-10 recorder and Hindenburg audio editing software. I used them for years as a reporter and picked them up again recently for a project. Always lots to learn, and so much fun.

    3. Sapphire*

      I replaced the seat post on my bike with something longer, and it’s finally comfortable to ride. I love this bike so much more now!

    6. Weekend Warrior*

      Length swimming. Aquafit got me back in the water and I added a few lengths before and after the class. Now I’m about to sign up for stroke improvement classes and I even wear one of those stretchy swim caps (chlorine is brutal on my thin, fine hair). I freaking love it!

    7. Overeducated*

      Smitten Kitchen’s street cart chicken from the second cookbook. The balance of flavors, textures, and heat between all the components is really pleasant, and the rice is addictive, which is high praise coming from me (pilaf was my family’s “ethnic” staple growing up and I disliked it). We liked it so much I’m going to make all the conponents except the chicken this week and eat them with a lentil dal, since we try to minimize meat consumption.

  30. We'reGoingToNeedAnotherTimmy*

    Seeking advice about how to help teens (friend of son) with depression/poor home life.

    A couple of days ago, my son asked if one of his friends could stay with us for a few days. It turns out his friend is having issues dealing with his family and depression. Luckily, he spoke with a counselor at school and is getting help but I would like any ideas of what either I or my son can do to support him.

    I don’t really know the boy well. I have met him a couple of times but never met his family (nor does he live close to us.) Besides being welcoming and my son checking in on him occasionally, I don’t know what else I can do to help.

    1. neverjaunty*

      Welcoming him as you’ve been doing is probably the best thing you can do. It may seem like a little thing on your end, but I would bet it is VERY meaningful to this young man.

      And your son is a mensch.

    3. Detective Amy Santiago*

      Make him feel welcome in your home. Treat him the same way you treat your son. Don’t handle him with kid gloves or anything. If you make son set the table for dinner, give friend a chore too.

    4. Ender*

      Giving him a place he can go when he needs to is absolutely the best thing you can do for him. Thanks for doing that.

    5. Kuododi*

      I do believe you are on the right track. There are people I’ve known, either clients or in my private life who have been through various degrees of nightmare in their formative years. The ones who shared with me that the difference between whether or not they were able to grow up and make positive/ vs negative choices in their lives. The ones who survived and thrived were the ones who had a person take time to share how much they were valued as an individual person….not necessarily if they had x amount of material resources. Something about those little moments for a child in crisis almost became the temporary oasis need to keep on with the journey. Still not taking away the importance of looking for signs of imminent emergency and making appropriate contacts. Hope that helps… insomnia is really kicking my tail tonight.

    6. Bethany D*

      If you focus on intentionally getting to know him, you will probably begin to see how to support him. Maybe one afternoon a week becomes Invite Friends Over day for your son? Stock up on snacks and hit Redbox for a movie* night? (*that fits your family’s values) While crisis response is important, treating depression is rarely a one & done cure; setting yourself up to be a safe haven in the long run might be more helpful in the end.

  31. Environmental Compliance*

    Going into week 3 of serious home searching. Not seeing anything pop up that both of us like. Finally got Hubs to understand why I was getting irritated with him with the “wants to be on city utilities” combined with “don’t want to see neighbors, needs a real big lot” combined with “doesn’t want to mow” combined with “don’t want to live in a subdivision”. I think he needed to physically see a few properties first. Also, he finally believed me when I said that nearly 40% of this state is on a septic system of some kind. *throws hands in air*

    Hoping something pops up soon, because I’m not good at waiting patiently, and I really don’t enjoy living where we are now.

    1. Environmental Compliance*

      Plus, finally have an gyn that takes me seriously when I told her about pain issues, and now I might need to have surgery for endometriosis.

    2. Ali G*

      IDK where you are, but 3 weeks is nothing where I am! Took hubs and me 2 years to buy a house (and were almost 100% aligned on what we wanted).
      Good luck! I hope you both find what you want :)

      1. fposte*

        Yeah, two to three months are average around here. I think I was three. I think the first month is figuring out what you want and the rest is waiting for that kind of house to come up on the market.

      2. Environmental Compliance*

        We’ve been halfheartedly looking for about 6 months now, but just recently got serious about it. Around here it’s usually a pretty quick turnaround too. When we were only partially looking, a lot of nice houses came up that we liked – then we actually got serious and now….crickets.

    3. Windcalleddelilah*

      Does want to see neighbors/doesn’t want to mow/big lot/no subdivision—. If you look at small lots that are in front of designated green space, you can satisfy those needs. Your backyard will be the woods, which you don’t have to mow. Trees on your property lines create a visual barrier from neighbors

    4. Traffic_Spiral*

      Have you asked hubs to find at least 3 places on his own that meet his criteria? He might learn to be less picky if he was the one having to do the work – or at least he’d still be helping with the work.

      1. Triplestep*

        This is good advice!

        I would also say go to lots of open houses and make notes, then go out for coffee, drinks or dinner and download what you liked or did not like. They don’t even have to be contenders with all of the boxes checked (sound like that would be hard to find anyway) just something you can both react to. This might help narrow down the “must haves” to things that don’t naturally conflict.

    5. Dear liza dear liza*

      Oh Lordy, this sounds familiar. In our last house hunt, dear Henry wanted a brand new house with a 3 car garage but at about half the local prices, Zillow was our BFF. We looked at a lot of houses and had many, many conversations about priorities and deal breakers. We found something in about six months of looking. Good luck!

      1. Environmental Compliance*

        Lol, yeah, sounds like Hubs! We’re in a little bit of a time crunch too to reduce down ridiculous commutes and not move in the middle of winter, so hopefully we find something in a reasonable timeframe. Just saw one on Zillow today that would be actually nice, but so far when we find the style we like the realtor tells us the neighborhood isn’t great, or that road is actually really busy, etc.

    6. Caro*

      I just started looking with my husband. Where we are is a sellers market with little inventory but he is so silly. We looked at a house across the street from an elementary school and he said he didn’t like people parking in front of the house. What?? In Toronto, he looked at over 50 houses and didn’t buy a good one because it didn’t have parking. This is common there and he didn’t even have a car. Anyway, we will see.

  32. Dino*

    It’s my birthday! I’m officially in my late 20s, ha. Things are tight right now (unemployed) but I decided that I want to spend today sprucing up my apartment. I don’t really have a lot of ~interior design~ items and I’d like to add a few cheap things. I’m thinking a mirror or two, a shelf to put plants on, and some spray paint to make my shoe rack not boring, but I’m still thinking about ideas. What is your favorite cheap addition to your home?

    1. The Other Dawn*

      Depends if you like old things or not. I’ve recently begun collecting old wooden bowls and spoons (“primitives”). You can buy a bowl, put a wooden spoon in it and you have decor. :) I just picked up a small, old wooden bowl and a wooden spoon for a total of $6.00 at the local antique shop. I also like old wooden firkins (it’s basically a bucket with a handle and usually a lid). I’ve just bought my first one and it looks nice in my dining room, on the floor next to an old chest I have. You can get them cheap, or expensive. Depends how old they are, condition, etc.

      Happy birthday!

    2. nep*

      Plants. (Just saw a $1 table at the farmer’s market.)
      Cool throws for a chair or couch.
      Good lighting makes all the difference–even grab a lamp you like at a thrift store.
      Happy birthday to you.

    3. Ali G*

      Happy B-Day!
      If you can paint – I love painting cabinets, or one wall a funky color.
      I also like how switching out door hardware (like on kitchen cabinets) can change up your space.

    4. Anonymosity*

      Happy birthday!

      A few years ago, I bought a great big gigantic wall clock for my living room at Aldi–they have cheapo home stuff now and then. It runs on a battery. I love it because it’s huge, and it hilariously says “Edinburgh Clock Works Co., London, England.” I know that’s a product trademark, but the incongruity cracks me up. :D

      So I’d say add quirky things that reflect your personality, and just because you like them.

    5. Chaordic One*

      I like putting up a few cheap posters and/or prints. I’ve bought some nice things from the sale section at “AllPosters dot com.” I usually hang them with 3M foam core poster tape.

      Some low priced throws and sofa pillows can add a nice pop of color.

    6. Merci Dee*

      My house had almond/sandy colored walls when I moved in. With my blue couch and curtains, it reminded me of the beach. So our one long walk in the living room is decorated with a collection of beach-themed decorations and Christmas ornaments in different rustic materials. Sun-bleached woods, shells, starfish, sand dollars, seahorses, etc. I put up some of the clear Command hooks to hang the items, so they look like lost things that washed up on the beach. None of the ornaments have been more expensive than $6 or so. And the more items we add to the collection, the cooler it looks.

    8. Marion Ravenwood*

      Firstly, happy belated birthday!

      I’m a big fan of brightly coloured/patterned cushions as a cheap way to jazz up a sofa or bed. They’re quite easy to change with the seasons/your mood too.

    9. Wishing You Well*

      Happy Belated Birthday!

      My fave is a $1 sunburst mirror from Goodwill. It’s about 12 inches in diameter and I smile every time I see it! (Mirrors brighten and expand a space, so I use them in several rooms for a lighter, more spacious look.)
      Have fun!

  33. The Other Dawn*

    Anyone have any good jelly or jam recipes using jalapenos? I have a ton of jalapenos to use up (how can ONE plant produce so many??). I made pineapple jalapeno jelly last weekend and it was SO delicious! I canned it, too. So proud of myself. :) It was a little soft, but not runny. I know the obvious choice is pepper jelly, but I’m wondering if there are any unusual combos people like.

    1. Dino*

      I don’t have a recipe but I bought some marionberry-jalapeno jam at a farmers market last year and I still think about it longingly.

      1. Zona the Great*

        I’m now realizing you asked specifically for jelly recipes but my mind went to alcohol—my apologies

    5. The Other Dawn*

      For those of you that make pepper jam/jelly, or like hot peppers in general, any idea how many jalapenos I would use in a recipe that calls for three habanero peppers? I’m sure I can look it up, but figured I’d ask.

      Yes to the strawberry jalapeno jam!

      And thanks for the other recommendations. I’m not a martini person, but a former coworker is and she used some of my peppers to make a spicy martini.

    6. Tris Prior*

      I made raspberry jalapeno one year and it was amazing. Also, I usually de-seed and chop mine and store in a freezer bag, for tossing into chili and other spicy dishes all winter. They keep fine, especially for crockpot meals where the veggies are going to end up a little soft anyway.

      1. Merci Dee*

        There’s a restaurant in town here where the chef makes his own jelly for their charcuterie board, and he made raspberry jalapeno the last time I went. I generally don’t like raspberries, but this jelly was amazing (even though it was a smidge too hot for my taste). The chef had included a few of the jalapeno seeds in the jelly, but it would be easy to leave them out for a milder version. I second the vote for this flavor!

    7. Ft*

      Blueberry jalepeno is a good combo.
      Passion fruit goes well with scotch bonnet and mango or strawberry goes well with habanero. I make fruit hot sauces and pepper jams a lot.

  34. matcha123*

    I have come to the realization that I am satisfied by things and not food. Most of my friends are upper-middle class and somewhat judge people on the food they eat and the experiences they have. I don’t care about food. My family never made food an important part of life and I literally eat the same meal every day.
    Until I came to this realization, I had been feeling incredibly stressed and ashamed that I preferred to prioritize things over the newest food fad. I do like tasty food, but I prefer to go to places that my friends have introduced me to. Unless something tastes absolutely awful, I will eat it. Heck, even McDonald’s is quite luxury to me!
    It’s not just buying something…I like hunting for good deals, buying used and enjoying what I get!
    Anyone else have any realizations like this?

    1. Kate Daniels*

      I actually had the opposite realization in the past few months. I realized I can do without buying more stuff and have actively been working on getting rid of all of the excess (everything I don’t absolutely love), but I discovered how much more pleasure I get from eating when I buy fresh pasta, blueberries from the farmers’ market, milk from the local creamery, etc. instead of whatever is cheapest in the grocery store. We all have different values, and it only becomes problematic when people are judgmental about those who value different things!

    2. Dan*

      I had the same upbringing, but a different reaction.

      My mom was a god awful cook. She overcooks things and doesn’t season them. When we would get together with my grand parents, they would always take us out to eat at least once during the visit. I *loved* going out to eat. (Random aside, I’ve always been good at math, and when I was younger, I reveled in guessing at how close I could guess the bill for the family of eight. In retrospect, the fam was good sports about that. I was pretty close most of the time, FWIW.) But the thing I felt self conscious about was that I *liked* food. I enjoyed it. And at least with my mom and dad, I felt a little uncomfortable, because they ate… to survive.

      As an adult, you like what you like, and you value what you value. There’s honestly no reason to “justify” why your tastes and values are different than someone else’s, even if they’re friends or family. Most of us have a limited amount of cash, so we have to prioritize where we spend it. Heck, a month ago, I ate a piece of steak that sold for $150/lb *at the grocery store*. Most people would never dream of doing that. If you’ve got a job and don’t bum money off of people, then how and what you spend your money on is of no consequence to anyone but yourself.

      I think this is something that gets overlooked during the dating process. So often, dating questions are pretty much “how do I get my SO to do/spend money on [thing/experience].” If your SO doesn’t value that, then good luck. And those kinds of things are hugely critical to explore during the dating process. I mean, I’m an omnivore and like all kinds of different foods, as long as its good. If I were dating someone who had a particularly restrictive diet, I just don’t know how that would work, because I’m not making two meals for dinner, and I find it weird to date someone who has significantly different food preferences/restrictions than I do.

    3. Chaordic One*

      Sometimes I think that is because I’m in a different stage than a lot of my friends. I can appreciate a good meal and dining out, but I’ve never really had that great job or a significant financial cushion where I could feel comfortable wasting money on food when I could prepare something delicious and nutritious for less money by myself. I’m still trying to furnish my home and save for retirement.

    4. Julia*

      I remember the only thing my co-workers at my last Japanese job talked about was food. Everything on TV is about food. I prefer not to talk about it as much because a) it’s boring and b) people always react weirdly when I say I’m a vegetarian. I do enjoy eating food, though. :)

      Hunting for deals is so much fun! I’m looking at furniture right now and realized how much I miss having time and money for shopping.

    5. PetticoatsandPincushions*

      I’m the same way- tangible things have meaning to me and help me to shape my life with comfort and direction and purpose. I’d rather buy an Aran sweater than a gourmet meal or a train ticket and I try to be pretty openly honest about. I feel like we as either a culture or a generation (im smack dab in the middle of the millennial) are so focused on like, experiences as the only morally correct path to happiness so I am always very vocal about my source of pleasure being textile based :p

  35. Sapphire*

    So I know dating sucks for just about everyone, but I’ve felt especially frustrated recently. I feel like my gender and my sexuality aren’t the most compatible (I tend to be drawn mostly to straight men, but I’m trans and nonbinary). I don’t really think online dating is going to work for me because I don’t necessarily feel comfortable disclosing everything about me in a dating profile. I’ve asked some friends to set me up with people they think would be okay with me, but that might take a while.

    I don’t really want advice, mostly just to commiserate. Thanks in advance for listening.

    1. Zona the Great*

      Ugh I’m sorry. If it helps, I’m cis-gendered female and consider myself pansexual regardless of the fact that I’m in a monogamous relationship with a classically straight looking cis-gendered man who is also open to loving all humans without regard to identity. There are so so many of out there. We’re not typical millennials in that we are not on social media. This is just my way to say that your person is out there. Be you, have great safe sex, love whomever, and you’ll find your one. Not sure if online will be the way to go either but I could never know.

    3. Phoenix Programmer*

      Maybe put some terms in your profile like feminist, sex positive, gender positive, etc. Which might help weed out those who would not be comfortable with you but doesn’t make you out your story on the profile?

      1. Sapphire*

        That’s what I try to look for on other people’s profiles, but I’ve found that I do need to be up-front about my gender because I don’t want to be accused of deception.

  36. The Babiest Babyface*

    I don’t know if it’s me or the school culture, but is it normal to have difficulty finding people to even like, hang out with the first few weeks of college? Everyone seems to like me (my sloth bag is a huge hit!) but I’m just having difficulty adjusting. Maybe it’ll be better when clubs start.

    1. Doloris Van Cartier*

      I totally remember feeling that way and I think lots of people do. It’s such a time of change for people so give yourself time to find your tribe. You are adjusting to a lot of new stuff and it takes time to process that all. I feel like a lot of the people who I was friends with in the beginning mostly fell off by the time I graduated as I found friends who had similar interests and we grew together.

      Good luck and I’m sure you’ll find some other awesome sloth loving folks out there too!

    2. LilySparrow*

      Yes, it’s really normal.
      I was lucky to hit it off with my roommate. Not everyone does – that’s probably the exception rather than the rule, because the roommate thing is so inherently awkward.

      Everybody is adjusting, everybody has challenges with adapting, and most folks are caught up in their own drama about it.

      After a couple of weeks of classes and clubs, you’ll start finding your people. Best of luck to you!

    3. LadyKelvin*

      Yes, and honestly the people you make friends with in your first year are probably not the folks you are friends with for life. I didn’t really find my people until my second year (and I know I’m not the only one). But now its been 10 years since we graduated and we still talk every 2 months (we live across the entire US so more frequent is hard).

      1. moql*

        Very much this. I found friends very quickly freshman year, but my real group didn’t come together fully until junior, and only a few of those early ones stayed. Those first friends were good people and it was exciting to meet them all so suddenly, but they were not My People and I wish I’d not tried to make those initial friendships work for so long just because I’d happened to meet them first.

    4. Triplestep*

      College orientation is a very weird time; you’re forced together with people, may of whom have never been away from home for any significant time. Often you are living together so friendships can seem really accelerated, both in developing and then in falling apart. It’s an exciting time of life, so it’s easy to feel like everything should be GREAT, but it can be hard adjusting. Cut yourself some slack, and don’t compare yourself to other people. Things will reach a new normal.

    5. sleepwakehopeandthen*

      Yeah, I think it takes a while to actually get to know people. Especially if you’ve always known people that you’ve gone to school with (like, if a large portion of the people from your elementary school went to your middle school and then high school), it’s a little weird to not have any (or many) pre-existing relationships. It just takes time for things to stop being awkward. Most of my good college friends are actually people I met later in my college life–the people I hung out with for the first couple months were nice, but we were all still figuring things out and figuring out who we were going to be friends with and what we were going to do.

    6. Cat Herder*

      Hey sweetie! Sometimes it just takes a while. I work with college freshmen (and I remember my first year really well too). You’ll find your people!

      Check out clubs, ask kids in your classes or in your res hall to go get a coffee or study together. Say hi to the kid sitting alone in the dining hall and Aubrey join them. Try something you haven’t done but that sounds interesting — one of my students heard about building sets for the school theater, gave it a try even though they were super shy and anxious about it, and made some great friends that way. And they get to use power tools!

    7. ket*

      Agree with others — the people I finally started hanging out with sophomore year are the people I’m still friends with 15 years later. Freshman year there’s so much randomness. Do check out clubs, etc., and talk with people in your classes — set the good conversational example — but know that it for many people it takes about 6 months to shake out who really will be a good friend and who will actually end up getting high every night/hating the place and moving back home/being totally insufferable/being cool but not someone you can really gel with/etc/etc.

    8. Anonymous Educator*

      I remember the first few weeks of university—it seemed “everyone” was latching on to one another or clumping in awkward large groups just so they wouldn’t be alone. Sometimes I’d join those large groups when invited, but I mainly kept to myself. Eventually made friends just fine. Join some clubs, go to protests, be friendly with people in classes. Friends will happen. No need to rush.

    9. wingmaster*

      I always encourage new students to get involved! To me, that was the best way to meet new people. Maybe get a job on campus as well. Are you living on campus too?

    11. Marion Ravenwood*

      I definitely struggled with that when I first went to university. The people in my halls of residence were perfectly nice, but I just didn’t really have anything in common with them so was on my own a lot at the start. I think because you’re all thrown together and so much of it is luck of the draw that chances are the people you’re friends with at the end of the first week might not still all be your friends at the end of the first year (or even the first term).

      For me things improved a lot once I was settled into my course and societies/clubs started up. I don’t know if you’ve had your freshers’ fair yet (not sure what it’s called outside the UK, but basically a big event where all the student societies take a stall or booth and encourage people to join them), but if you haven’t then I’d highly recommend signing up for the mailing list of everything that sounds remotely interesting and then going along to the first meeting – mostly these are free for newbies. However, I wouldn’t spend any money on joining a club if you don’t have to until you’re absolutely sure you’ll want to join, or (speaking from experience) you’ll be out of cash before you’re halfway round.

      Good luck! It is daunting, but don’t worry if it takes you a little longer to find your people.

  37. bassclefchick*

    Why is it that all recipes for salsa call for cilantro and jalapenos?! I like neither of those things, but have LOTS of tomatoes in my farm share box!

    Help?

    1. Rave*

      Replace it with another herb. Do you like parsley?
      I like good tomatoes with salt, some garlic, pepper and either:chives/parseley/(cilantro, which you don’t like)/dill. Drizzle some olive oil on top. Can also add either some goat cheese, or feta. So good.

    5. LuJessMin*

      My salsa is very simple – tomatoes, salt, maybe a little bit of lime juice (I used to have some lime-flavored tequila that was awesome in salsa).

      1. Dan*

        Immediately below, I described a salsa I made with smoked tomatoes. I also turned it into a shooter with some mezcal. Holy crap, is that the bomb.

    6. Dan*

      ‘Cuz people have no creativity?

      I got curious about tomatoes a couple of weeks ago… I live in an apartment and acquired a stove top smoker that I have not been using nearly as much as I thought I would when I bought it.

      But I stumbled across the best salsa ever, completely home-made: Smoke the tomatoes with alder chips, mix in some white onion, lime juice (and, uh, cilantro). For spice, I actually used some chipotle pepper. If that’s too spicy, but you want a little extra smoke, just use the sauce from the chipotle can. But the tomatoes I smoke are the star of the dish, so I need to make sure that whatever I add in is an accent, and doesn’t over power the tomatoes. (E.g., even with spice, comes out mild to medium)

      1. Ali G*

        Do you hot or cold smoke the tomatoes? I have some wings going on the smoker in about an hour and a ton of Sungolds I need to do something with. I’ll be smoking around 250 degrees. That seems maybe too hot for tomatoes?

        1. Dan*

          I don’t know those terms, TBH. I do have to turn the burner on hot enough to start smoking the chips, which does burn them eventually. This isn’t a multi-hour deal though, one is about right. I tried two hours last time, and that was too long. It’s ok if the tomatoes dry out a tad, because the salsa comes out pretty watery other wise. Watery salsa is an ok price to pay though.

      2. bassclefchick*

        “Cuz people have no creativity” is SO true!! That sounds yummy, but I don’t have a smoker. Darn it.

      3. LJay*

        Wow, I had actually never heard of a stovetop smoker before and just looked it up.

        This will solve some of my apartment resentment (not allowed to use or store smokers on our patio).

        Do you have a kettle shaped one or one that’s more rectangular shaped?

        1. Dan*

          The boxy one. TBH, it doesn’t have a lot of room for food. I’m tempted to upgrade to the kettle when I get around to it.

          I’d try to manage your expectations though. It can be hit or miss. But then with this thing, I don’t really know what i’m doing.

      5. Lora*

        Holy cow, I go through a lot of salsa and it never occurred to me to try this. I was going to fire up the smoker later, and I have loads of tomatoes and also some alder branches out back.

        Nachos made with homemade chicken and homemade salsa are a balanced meal, right? If you put some chopped roasted zucchini instead of beans?

  38. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

    Last week, I had 2 separate viscerally emotional nightmares that 2 different family members passed away. I sensed raw pain, and I woke up visibly jarred.

    Today, my dad texted saying his neighbor died by beach drowning, leaving behind 4 young kids who had yet to be told and that he’d heard wailing/mourning all hours of the day.

    I had no idea till today. Does anyone else have nightmares/deja vu like that? It really weirded me out—I actually feared my parents weren’t alive, the nightmares were so realistic.

    And the neighbor’s kids—I feel so bad for them :(((

    1. Zona the Great*

      My “psychic dreams” are very obviously different from my normal dreams. They are often scary and when they come true (which is almost always), it’s very unsettling. You might notice an ability to sense the future while awake. Just pay attention to your visceral reactions and you’ll hone your skills—skills you may not want but have been given anyway.

      1. CoffeOnMyMind*

        Full disclosure: I’m a skeptic when it comes to believing in ghosts or the supernatural, and yet I have the same type of dreams you’ve experienced.

        I’ve had many “prophetic” dreams in my life. Most of them involve family, even distant relatives I haven’t seen in years. But all of my dreams are very vivid. I tend to have them 1-2 days before the actual event, and despite this happening my whole life, it still unnerves me each time. Like you, I occasionally wake up from the dream alarmed. No matter what, I can always tell which dreams are prophetic vs the normal ones.

        You’re not alone in having these psychic moments, and I completely understand how they can be upsetting. In time you may be able to find some good in these dreams.

    2. Notthemomma*

      I’ve had them a couple of times. In the late ‘90s, I was living on east coast, not in contact with my sons father (we’ll call him Zane) or any of his family or friends and had a vivid dream that Zane had died in an auto accident.
      A day or two later, I got a call from one of my friends that Zane’s father had died, not in an auto accident, but it was on the side of the road.

      Another time, I was talking to my Mom about holiday gifts for the little ones and I commented that the SuperGreatGift would be great for X. She swore she didn’t mention it or write it down, and was purposely keeping it a secret because it was so great. I had a vivid memory at the time of her and I looking for it even though on reflection we hadn’t.
      Weird and unsettling, as well as a reminder of how much we don’t know.

    3. Square Root Of Minus One*

      I’m so sorry for them :(

      I know it happens to me sometimes, though nowhere so tragic. The last time I recall was a vivid dream of myself smoking. I’ve never smoked in my life, not even once, and I still remember the taste, the sensation of the smoke, and so on. Unsettling.
      Fast-forward on the next weekend, I call my mom (I lived far away and came back 3-4 times a year – but we’re very close and much alike) and tell her about the dream. Short silence, then she tells me she’s resumed smoking. She had stopped for about 7 years at this point.

    4. Anonymosity*

      I had one once. During my freshman year of high school, I dreamed two guys at school died–one was stupid dream stuff, and the other one was very strange. I could not see his face, but I knew that I knew him. and there was a detail present that didn’t make sense in the dream. Later, the guy I knew was killed and the detail was confirmed as the actual cause of death.

      Another one I had in the 1990s hasn’t happened and I hope it doesn’t. It was terrifyingly vivid and detailed and involved a nuke. D:

    5. Chaordic One*

      I hope this doesn’t get deleted for being in the wrong thread.

      I recently had a dream in which I was visiting with a former coworker and was told that my bad nightmare boss from my bad toxic old job had died. I felt glad and was in a good mood when I woke up. But the truth is that he’s still alive and still torturing victims, I mean employees. (Same thing, I guess). Anyway, it was a good dream.

  39. Crystal Smith*

    I’m curious about how other people decide when and where to move! I’m a renter and I’ve been living in my current apartment in a biggish city for a little over 4 years. My lease is up in April and I’m already trying to decide if I should move closer to work – right now my commute is 75-90 minutes each way on public transit, which is starting to wear on me after 6+ years.

    I like my current apartment just fine, and generally when my lease renews the rent only goes up by $5, which is pretty much unheard of as far as I can tell. Moving closer to work, which is in the suburbs, would involve paying way more in rent, BUT it would also mean I no longer paid almost 4% in city wage tax, and my transit pass would get cheaper, and generally food and things are cheaper outside the city limits. And most importantly, my commute would go from 75-90 minutes to 30 minute max (as in, 30 minutes walking the whole way, shorter on the bus or train.)

    I don’t think I’d miss city living – the area I’d be moving to has plenty of activity for my taste, and good public transportation (I don’t drive.) I guess I just keep getting sticker shock thinking about paying $200 or more “extra” in rent every month! Plus, if something happened with my job (which I have no reason to expect but you never know) my current location is more central if I had to job hunt. I don’t know, I’m just thinking out loud (in print?) but I really would love to get more of my time back…I just wish I could know for sure if it was worth it!

    1. kc89*

      depends on your city, but in a lot of cities right now (including mine) finding affordable housing is a nightmare and if I lived in a place where rent only went up $5 a year I probably wouldn’t move

    2. Kate Daniels*

      I chose to go with a small studio apt within 10 minutes walking distance of work even though if I lived further out—let’s say within 45 min or an hour—I could probably save $500 or more on rent each month for a much bigger place. I made this choice because I gain an extra 2 hours a day that otherwise would be spent on commuting and I can now use my hour for lunch to go home and get the dishes unloaded, eat my own food instead of buying something expensive, etc. Facing two 4 hour blocks of time at the office seems much more manageable and less daunting than an 8-hour block. Another added bonus is that I don’t need to spend money on a car/gas or pay for public transit.

      I did the math of what my salary would be if I broke it down to an hourly job and calculated what I’d be paid per hour, then multiplied that by 2.5 extra hours a day x 20 work days a month. It was far more cost effective to just live close to my office. It’s also better for my anxiety that I don’t have to worry about driving, traffic, catching bus or train transfers, having one or the other break down or be delayed, etc.

    3. Square Root Of Minus One*

      There was an “Ask the readers” recently (Thursday ?) about work/life balance, and “short commute” was a huge factor for many people, especially (but not only) with families.
      So a shorter commute seems worth it for a lot of us. It certainly is for me. I chose my place to have a 30-minute one-way door-to-door commute. The biggest drawback for me is mostly the neighborhood I’m not fond of, but given my circumstances it’s really the best deal I can make.
      It’s yours to choose is whether the comfort is worth $200, and yours to determine if you can afford it.
      You can try to do budget adjustments to accommodate that $200. I did that myself : I had to check I could afford the $450 budget hit coming with buying my own place :)

    4. Dan*

      I move when there’s a *clear* value to doing so, and I can afford it. I’ve been in the same suburban apartment for 10 years, and I ponder about moving from time to time. A change of scenery would be nice, but realistically, moving is such a hassle, and I have one of the more affordable places in my metro area. Very little is going to cost less, and what does will come at a real sacrifice. Most will cost a bit to a lot more, so if I’m going to pay the extra rent, I need to come home every day saying “god the extra cash is worth spending, even though I had to give up X.” Given that I leave reasonably close to work, anything else is just going to take longer, so for me, there’s pretty much no way I can move and be happy about it — unless I buy something.

      I’ve concluded that my next move is a big one — buying a house, relocating somewhere other than just down the street, or they tear down the place to put in an upscale high rise. (The area I live in is undergoing massive redevelopment.) I’m also turning 40 next year, so part of me is thinking that the next move may very well be something semi or fully retirement related.

    5. Overeducated*

      I’d pay $200 more in rent, if it were financially feasible of course, to get back an hour to two extra PER DAY. That’s a little under $7 per hour gained. Would you work those extra hours for $7?

    6. Anono-me*

      I moved from a big city to a suburb (then farther away)
      When I moved to the suburbs, financially it made sense and I was unhappy with my apartment (it was less than perfect to begin with and things were going downhill.)

      I would suggest making a list of the quality of life differences and list if the financial differences separately and then compare. Hopefully one choice or the other will be the clear winner.

      A couple of side thoughts.

      Moving is usually a major pain and expensive. I wouldn’t go through that again unless I had strong reason to.

      You say that you don’t drive. Suburbs tend to be set up for people who drive. In addition to the financial cost of private transit, have you looked into the time and aggravation cost of private transit. Example waiting for the Uber to come to the suburbs every time you want to go anywhere.

      Where are your friends and family located? People make last minute plans partiality based on geographic logistics. Example, if I am going for a walk or craving local cafe’s signature treat; I will call a friend who lives 10 minutes away, but I am not calling a friend who lives 45 minutes away (and will need an additional 30 at least for her ride to show up.)

      Also, how will laundry and grocery shopping work for you? If you can do a delivery service and the apartment has laundry available you should be fine. If not, this could be a financial and logistics burden.

      I know a lot of my thoughts are more pro stay than pro move, but while I was glad to have moved to the suburbs, it was a shock to the system and being more aware of the ways in which my life would change would have made it easier.

    7. Whatsinaname*

      Sounds like a good part of the potential extra rent would be offset by your tax savings and a cheaper commuter pass. If you add the commuting time saved I think that you definitely come out on the plus side by moving.

    8. Sparrow*

      I would move! I cant even compute wanting to spend almost 8 hours a week commuting when it would only cost $50 in rent, which sound.ms like it would be offset by other savings. That is so much time! That is like getting 50 8-hour work days back in a year. Imagine what you could do!

    9. Sarah G*

      If it’s only about the difference in rent, then I would move! Besides, I don’t know your wages, but let’s say you make $30k a year, then that 4% tax would be $1200/yr, so there’s half the rent difference right there.

      How long do you plan to spend at your current workplace, if it were up to you? You say your current location is more central than where you’d move, but would there be opportunities near your workplace, even if more limited? Is there anywhere btwn here and there where you might want to live, kind of in the middle?

      Also, keep in mind that your lease may have some flexibility, in that you might be able to renew month-to-month and just pay a bit more, but have the option to move w/30 days notice. Or even find a subletter if you decide you want to move a bit sooner.

      Good luck!

    10. Washi*

      I’m so fascinated by the fact that the suburbs are so much more expensive, since that’s not the case in my city at all – the fancy suburbs are priced similarly to downtown but typically have more space for your money.

      Is there anywhere in between you could live, like closer to the edge of your city, that would cut down on your commute but not be so expensive?

  40. Elizabeth Jennings*

    People who pay for a cleaning service: is it worth it, and what part of it is the MOST worth it to you? How often do they come?

    Related: anyone in the DC area (we’re in DC proper) have a recommendation for a cleaning service you love? I live in a small (550 square feet) condo with partner, and we’re entering a very busy period of work for the rest of the year, so feels like now is the time.

    1. Yetanotherjennifer*

      I hired a cleaning person for a short time while recovering from an injury. She came about every 2 weeks. It was pretty nice, although she didn’t clean like I would so it wasn’t as satisfying as I’d imagined (but still wonderful since I wasn’t doing it) and I wasn’t able to prepare for her visits like I’d like so she did a lot of cleaning around clutter. But I didn’t put much time into telling her how I’d like things done because I knew she wasn’t going to be long-term. The first visit will be longer because they’re learning how you want things done and getting everything caught-up. You have to specify a lot more than you’d think. For example, my cleaner wet-mopped the hardwood floors when I prefer to spot clean or damp-mop then. She also almost broke a favorite piece of art because she didn’t know that it had multiple pieces. So take a look around your place with a stranger’s eye and think about exactly what you want done before that first visit. On subsequent visits cleaners tend to top level clean everything and focus on one room or area for a deep clean. She also had a 2 hour minimum and usually only took 1.5 hours to clean about 1500 square feet with 2 full bathrooms.

    2. Ali G*

      Gawd yes so worth it! I miss it (I am only working part time right now so I’m the cleaning person for the time being). We were paying $85 every two weeks, but it would probably be more like $125 now, since my husband had the same person for like 5 years, she never raise her rates on us.
      The best reason I can give for doing it is getting that time back. When I lived in my condo I could clean it in about 1.5 hours, but now that we have a house it takes an entire day for me to do. Yesterday it took me 3.5 hours to just clean the living room, kitchen, first floor bath, our bedroom and our bathroom (has a shower and a tub). Granted we have a dog and I had not cleaned in a while, so it was a bigger clean up than normal. But, I didn’t even touch the guest room or the guest bath, or the dining room, and I only swept the floors in the office. If I had to do that on one of my only 2 days off that would suck so bad!!

    3. Almost Violet Miller*

      I live alone in an apartment that is the same size as yours and I have a cleaning lady. She comes every two weeks, once for 2h, once for 3h.
      2 hours are enough for general cleaning. Dust accummulates easily where I live (due to the type of building and also the type of floor I have) but I don’t have any pets so it’s relatively easy to clean here.
      3 hours are enough to also do something special: descaling the shower (this doesn’t need to be done every two weeks, I wipe it after I shower), applying special oil to my leather sofa, or doing a window (once I had a guest staying in my living room so I asked her to skip it altogether and do two windows instead).
      What I love the most is the time I bought myself. I have my weekends free from cleaning. I travel a lot for work so I often don’t even have the evenings to do something productive (not that I usually feel like it after a long day anyway). And it forces me to put away my stuff every two weeks before she comes (I do it for myself but the additional pressure’s welcome).
      I really like she’s flexible, too. I can just text her what needs more of her focus.
      I hope you’ll find an affordable service suited to your needs.

    4. Dan*

      It’s worth it if it has value to you. I know some folks dislike paying for things that they’re perfectly capable of doing themselves.

      I’ll also say this, having lived in the same apartment for several years and not cleaning as much as I should, especially in the few years since the ex moved out: Stuff accumulates, and at some point, you need probably do need a real thorough cleaning, period. If you’re not going to do it yourself, then my all means, pay for it to get done.

    5. Book Lover*

      I have someone come weekly. Actually, same someone for 12 years now. It was every two weeks, then every week once the kids came along. I am good at tidying, but I don’t clean – I like having someone clean the bathrooms, kitchen floors, dust.

    6. Red Reader*

      My cleaning lady comes about every two weeks and she cleans my kitchen, two of the three bathrooms (not the master), and the dining room and living room. Everyone is responsible for their own private spaces. (Though sometimes she cleans her son’s room – she’s my housemate’s mom.) I love not having to do floors or clean bathrooms that are used by other people – I originally went with the cleaning lady because I was tired of yelling at the other adults in my house to pitch in, and finally said “look, either y’all are cleaning too, or you’re paying for your share of a cleaning crew.” Husband said “I’ll pay.” Heartsister said “I’ll pay.” Soulbrother said “you know my mom is a professional house cleaner, right?” I said “SOLD. GET ME HER NUMBER.”

    7. Perpetua*

      We live in an apartment of pretty much exact same size and have a cleaning lady come roughly every two weeks, for 4-5 hours. Her cleaning is not perfect (which is to say, she does an okay job, but not as thorough as my partner and even I – the less cleaning-focused of us two – would like in an ideal situation), but it’s worth it to us to spend those 4-5 hours on something other than cleaning. Sometimes it’s work (we’re both entrepreneurs), sometimes it’s relaxation or running errands, but whatever we do, it’s worth to us more than cleaning.

    8. Fellow Traveller*

      We have a lady who comes to clean every other week and it has saved my marriage. (My husband is the one who likes it clean and I have other priorities.) It is so worth it to us; even though I am only seasonally employed, we still make room in our budget for the cleaning. I will say, I still have to spend time on the day to day picking up and tidying, so I do feel like I still spend a lot of time keeping the house neat, but there is just that extra shine around the house after she leaves. And she changes the sheets.
      But I guess in the end it depends on your personal preference for degree of clean in your place. You could have someone come do a one time cleaning and see how you like it? Or find a service that is flexible that you can call when you feel like you need the cleaning done – my mother did this.

    9. Lemonworld*

      Totally worth it and the part that is most worth it to me is that having a cleaner keeps me from resenting my husband for not doing more around the house. My husband is an awesome dad and we have a good division of labor regarding the kids. We also have a great division of labor on the daily dining (I cook, he cleans).
      But then the problem was that everything else domestic (laundry, cleaning) was my de facto responsibility and it was grinding on me. So the cleaner helps a lot because cleaning is no longer my responsibility.
      The cleaner mostly comes once a week. I dunno how many square feet we have – it’s not a huge house but it’s not tiny either…..1600 sq feet maybe? Two rooms don’t get cleaned, everything else (including 3 bathrooms) does. We pay 10 euro an hour, and she’s usually there for between 2 to 4 hours.

    10. Dr. Anonymous*

      SO worth it! The best part is walking in the house and looking at surfaces I never clean well and seeing that they are clean! I point them out to my boyfriend, crowing, “I cleaned the house! with my wallet!”

  41. BRR*

    Tips for getting your dog to drink more water? He already wasn’t drinking enough during the intense heat this summer and after surgery this week, he’s drinking even less. He doesn’t like wet food and wants nothing to do with moving water so a pet fountain won’t work.

    1. Ali G*

      Will he (or is he allowed to) eat fruits and veggies? Things like cucumber, melons, are mostly water, and the sugar might help him retain it/want more.

    2. AvonLady Barksdale*

      When my buddy wouldn’t eat or drink in the heat, I gave him fermented raw goat’s milk. Got it at the doggy store. He looooved it, silly boy.

    3. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      You can offer him some broth. Literally just boil raw bones, no salt or anything. Freeze it in ice cube trays and pop out a few whenever you need them. Be careful not to temp him into over-hydrating though. I accidentally did that to help my dog through a kidney infection and messed up the urinalysis result, which made it a lot harder to know when we’d knocked the infection.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      My vet said to put a 1/2 cup of water in with each meal. She said they don’t need a ton of water. Can you get your dog interested in watermelon? Mine eats it like a little hogger, but that is seriously wet food.

      1. stellaaaaa*

        This is what I do, though more for taste. I microwave about that amount of water in a little dish for 15 seconds, pour it over my dog’s kibble, cool a bit, then give bowl to him. Makes the food smell better and hydrates him. He will eat everything, though.

    6. LJay*

      Pumpkin is supposed to be really good for keeping them hydrated and it’s also nutritious as well. You can feed it canned or fresh. (I’ve only ever done canned).

      1. Merci Dee*

        I’ve been giving my cat canned pumpkin this week, and he loves it. I’m always looking for ways to get more liquid in his diet, and this helps. Also, the pumpkin helps to prevent hairballs, and the fiber is excellent for treating both constipation and diarrhea. Not to mention, the vitamins and minerals are great for eyes, skin, and fur.

    7. Chaordic One*

      My guy, a miniature golden doodle, is very picky about what dish he drinks out of. He has kind of a long, pointy snout and he prefers to drink out of a deep water dish (as opposed to a shallow one). He’ll drink from the shallow water dish if the deep one is empty, but he really prefers the deep one.

    8. An Elephant Never Baguettes*

      I don’t know where you live and it might not be workable but we had the same problem when our dog was small until we figured out that she hates (h a t e s) clean, just from the tap water. It needs to be a puddle or from one of the field ditches around here, preferably as muddy and disgusting as possible. She will also drink water from our tiny and not especially clean garden pond or from the watering cans we have in the garden, which get filled with rain water. So now we fill her water bowl with terrible dirt water or let her out to drink and that’s solved the problem (she’s 10 years old now and has never had any health issues, before anyone asks).

    9. Mallory*

      Moisten dry kibble? Mix up peanut butter, kibble and water and freeze it? My dog licks stuff like that like crazy!

  42. Nervous Accountant*

    Are there any particular cuts of steak that will stay well when reheated for leftovers? I normally do a rib eye in the skillet and have it fresh. In the past I’ve used different cuts and it was meh the next day. I can do any cut, and method would be helpful too (only have access to a skillet or oven).

    1. fposte*

      I personally wouldn’t bother and would eat it cold, which I like anyway; I think it’s really hard to keep the meat juicy on a second reheat. That being said, Cook’s Illustrated says it can work to warm the cooked steaks in a 250º oven until they reach a temperature of 110º, then sear them in a greased frying pan over high heat for 60-90 seconds per side. To me that’s as much work as cooking them in the first place :-).

      1. Dan*

        That’s where I’m at now. If I have to buy a one pound steak, I’ll cook the whole thing and eat half of it right off the grill, and then the next day, make a steak salad and eat it cold. Push comes to shove, I’ll let the steaks sit out at room temp and warm up for an hour. As an aside, I’ve never had any issues eating food that’s been out at room temp for awhile.

    2. Dan*

      I’m going to recommend a new appliance for the kitchen: a sous vide cooker. I actually cook my steaks and most of my other meat that way now, and then a quick sear at the end. It takes about an hour to cook, but requires no attention. The benefit to sous vide cooking is that you can set the doneness of the steak to a specific temperate — I can set my water bath to the nearest tenth of a degree — and the steak comes out edge-to-edge the exact same doneness. The added benefit? Reheating the steaks are a dream, you set the temp a bit lower than the initial cook, and you get a nice, warm, moist steak.

      1. Ali G*

        I LOVE our sous vide. I honestly need to use it more. Question – what temp do you cook your chicken at? We only did chicken once, and while it was juicy and the flavor was great, I didn’t like the texture. It was mushy – I guess is the best word. I would like it firmer without overcooking it. I don’t recall what temp we were cooking at, unfortunately. Any advice appreciated!

        1. Dan*

          I can’t remember the last time I did chicken. But… the guys over at Serious Eats do a lot of experimenting. They have temp charts for a variety of different things, give them a look.

          Have you tried salmon? The flavor is so different, it’s a love it or hate it. Actually, the last time I made the salsa I talked about above, I sous vide’d salmon with it. Holy hell that was good.

    3. MommaChem*

      The fattier cuts tend to reheat better. At our house we’ll generally undercook any steaks we’re planning on eating later. (Cooking a whole six-pack at once but only four in the family.) That way they don’t get overcooked in the reheating. Also, I’m not going to eat all of what’s on my plate, I go ahead and cut it up into pieces before putting the leftovers away. Then it reheats more evenly.

    4. Ali G*

      If I have leftover steak I try to use it in another way – my favorite is to cut it into very thin slices and use it in a baked or stove top griddled quesadilla. I second the sous vide. It doesn’t take up much room and would be much better for reheating if you wanted to eat it as a “steak” again. And it’s absolutely the best way to cook a steak.

    5. Cat Herder*

      Slice it up and have it cold in a salad. It’s hard to reheat steak —better to just eat it cold or room temp.

  43. Foreign Octopus*

    Book thread!

    What’s everybody reading this week?

    I’m on book four of the Poldark series – The Black Moon – which was published a whole 20 years after the first four books. I was worried that it was going to have a different tone to it because of the time gap but Winston Graham picked up right where he left off and I’m loving it. I’m really ripping through the books and I wish I’d found this series sooner because I love it so much. The only problem is trying to restrain myself from watching the TV series until I’ve read the whole series.

    One thing I will say though is that I was shocked – shocked and appalled – that in the books Demelza had black hair. I’ve always imagined her with red.

      2. Marion Ravenwood*

        I have Deathly Hallows as my bedtime reading at home (my hardback is too big to carry round with me). It wouldn’t fit in my hand luggage for this trip so I had to leave it behind and now I’m itching to get back and finish the last six chapters.

    2. Lcsa99*

      I can’t decide! I have a huge amount of books in my “to read” pile, but three in particular are calling my name: Stephen King’s new book The Outsider;
      The Invisible Library by Genevieve Cogman; and Angelmaker by Nick Harkaway. Any votes?

      2. Claire (Scotland)*

        The Invisible Library. I thoroughly enjoyed it, have read the rest of the series, and Genevieve is a delightful person. I’m not a fan of King generally, and I haven’t read Angelmaker.

      3. Bagpuss*

        How much mental energy d you have? Both are good, but the invisible library is ‘easy reading’ and Angelmaker needs a bit more focus.

    4. Étudiante*

      I just finished The Idiot by Elif Batuman and started The Elegance of the Hedgehog by Muriel Barbery.
      It’s quite gloomy over here and that’s tbe perfect weather for me for reading.

    5. Red Reader*

      This past week, I read all four Anne of Green Gables books (reread for some, I don’t think I ever read the fourth one before) and Omarosa Manigault Newman’s Book. (Talk about whiplash. Hah.)

      1. CBE*

        There are EIGHT Anne books!

        Anne of Green Gables
        Anne of Avonlea
        Anne of the Island
        Anne of Windy Poplars
        Anne’s House of Dreams
        Anne of Ingleside
        Rainbow Valley (mostly about Anne and Gilbert’s children)
        Rilla if Ingleside (Anne’s daughter)

        1. Book Lover*

          Without spoilers, after I read one of them I just could never go back to any of them, because I was too sad for her.

        2. Red Reader*

          Ah! The collection I have was Green Gables, Avonlea, the Island and House of Dreams, and I don’t remember having read Island or House of Dreams before.

    6. Claire (Scotland)*

      I’m reading The Calculating Stars, an alternate history of the space race in the wake of an extinction event meteorite strike which spurs the earlier development of space travel and colonisation. It explores the societal impact of the 1950’s with regard to race and gender and how these affect the space programme. I’m really enjoying it, and looking forward to reading The Fated Sky which is the next book in the duology.

    7. Red*

      I’m reading my Linear Algebra textbook. I’m so excited for the Fall semester! My younger-by-6-years cousin is going into college for the first time and I feel like we have so much more in common now. It’s making me really happy. We’re doing things in completely opposite ways, with myself as an online non-traditional student and her in a dorm and with a volleyball scholarship, but it’s already bringing us closer together.

      1. Wishing You Well*

        Good for you!
        During a summer while in high school, I read child development textbooks for fun. I had a very small public library!

    8. Monty and Millie's Mom*

      I recently read the Seven Sisters series by Lucinda Riley. I think there is still one (?) more book planned for the series, but enjoyed the ones I read.

    9. Julianne (also a teacher)*

      I just finished Darwin Comes to Town (which was really interesting, but a slower read), and now I’m a couple chapters into To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before. This is probably the last thing I’ll finish before school starts.

    10. Anonymosity*

      I want to read the Poldark books. I’m waaaay behind on the show and need to get caught up. Will probably just finish the show before I get to read them.

      I just read David Morrell’s Creepers in one sitting. I am also about to dive into some Kealan Patrick Burke; he’s an Irish writer who does the scary very well. Not long ago, I read Stephen King’s The Outsider and loved it. But then I’m a huge SK fan anyway. :)

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        I really recommend the books. There’s a lot of talk about mining and the French revolution but it’s not like Moby Dick with the incomprehensible amount of whaling information. It actually fits in.

        I don’t know how to describe them properly but I am really invested in the characters in a way that I haven’t got in a very long time. When Ross did something stupid (THE stupid thing – I don’t want to spoil it but you might be able to guess) I was so angry with him.

        There are twelve books in total published from 1945-2002, I think.

    11. sleepwakehopeandthen*

      The Daughter of Smoke and Bone series. I read the first two already this week and I’m going to read the third one later today, because I’m having a luxurious stay home and read books all day Saturday (although I did go on a brief excursion to a fancy coffee shop for pastries).

      1. Marion Ravenwood*

        I love that series! I re-read the first one when we went to Prague earlier this year (see previous comment about reading books where they’re set) and had to read the other two again as soon as I’d finished it.

    12. Annie Moose*

      I reread Pride & Prejudice this week! I had a hankering to watch the 1995 miniseries (the Colin Firth one–it’s on Amazon Prime), which I did, and then proceeded to watch the 2005 movie (the Keira Knightley one), and rounded it off by reading the book. Still an incredibly entertaining read. The only downside is that it depresses me how much better Austen’s prose is than mine could ever be!!

      Aside from that, I just got the new K. B. Spangler book… if anyone here has heard of her books, you’re a gem. They’re hard to describe–the series started as a webcomic, A Girl and Her Fed, but there’s also six or seven novels out now. They’re… near-future conspiracy science fiction, I guess?? The webcomic has fantasy elements too. It all begins when the main character, a would-be journalist haunted by the ghost of Benjamin Franklin, discovers she’s been put on the terrorist watch list…

    13. Minta*

      I’m finishing up The Chintz Age: Tales of Love and Loss for a New New York, by Ed Hamilton.

      I started it last year, fell out of the reading habit, and now I’m finishing it up before I move on to 2 new books. It’s pretty good. I’m very excited to read the new ones because they’re from the same authors who wrote books I loved last time I was on a reading tear.

      Before Chintz Age, I finished up Dark Matter, which I enjoyed quite a bit! Made the mistake of finishing it at bedtime. Had to take a sedative to get to sleep afterward! Whew!

    14. LNLN*

      I just finished listening to an audiobook version of Geraldine Brooks’ novel People of the Book. It was very engrossing and because it involves anti Semitism in different countries and in different time periods, it feels very relevant to what is going on these days in the US and elsewhere.

    15. Anono-me*

      Margaret Maron. Designated Daughters (Medium light southern mystery)

      I don’t know how you can watch a movie/tv after reading the book. Everytime I do that, I get so frustrated waiting for that great part from the book that got skipped in the movie (Or the title character, like in Prince of Tides).

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        I’m the other way round.

        I don’t know how people can watch the movie/TV before reading the book. I hate having the book spoiled for me, but it does mean that when I’m watching the adaptation I’m always disappointed at the end because characters are missing or great scenes aren’t there.

    17. Julia*

      I started Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell after liking Eleanor & Park, but this one is a little slower so far.
      Not sure if it counts, but I’m also “reading” a visual episodic novel on the Episode app that is extremely popular with users, called Dripping Mascara. I can see why it has over 5 million “readers”, but the last few chapters haven’t been too great (I just finished “season”/arc 4).

      1. Jen Erik*

        I read Carry On after Fangirl and enjoyed that more. I didn’t read a lot of Harry Potter fanfic back in the day, but I did read some, and I thought she captured that sensibility really well. (I think Rowell announced recently there was going to be a sequel – which I can’t quite imagine.)

        1. Julia*

          I’ll see how I feel about the book/the author once I finish Fangirl. I actually read quite a bit of HP fanfic, but not the big names because I’m not into Draco (especially not in leatherpants), which is probably why I won’t enjoy Carry On much.

    18. Marion Ravenwood*

      I love Poldark! I’m up to The Angry Tide (which the latest series of the new TV version is based on) and really been enjoying them. I like to read books in the places where they’re set so they’re usually the books I take on the annual family holiday to Cornwall with me.

      On that theme, as I’ve been in Rome this week I’ve been reading some of Lindsay Davis’ Falco novels, about a private investigator during the time of Emperor Vespasian. I read the third one, Venus In Copper, earlier this week (I read the previous two last year) and am currently on The Iron Hand Of Mars, which is about a Roman legion in Germany. It’s a bit of light relief and ideal for holiday reading.

    19. Forrest Rhodes*

      My work involves reading scientific/technical materials exclusively, so my off-duty reading tends to be lighter: Dana Stabenow’s Kate Shugak series and Liam Campbell series (all mysteries set in Alaska but equally about the Alaskan residents themselves); Margaret Maron; Marcia Muller; Robert B. Parker (the originals, not the posthumous ones); my 17-year-old nephew introduced me to John Flanagan’s “Ranger’s Apprentice” series, and I love it (not so much his “Outcasts” series, though).
      But right now I’m completely absorbed in two nonfictions:
      – “Indianapolis,” Lynn Vincent and Sara Vladic; the beginning-to-end story of the ship that delivered the atomic bomb components to Tinian in 1945. I’m not much for military history, but the book includes close looks at everyone from the sailors who manned her during the war, up to the commander who was court-martialed because of Indy’s eventual sinking, to the Japanese crews who chased her, to the Japanese sub commander who actually testified in the 1948 court proceedings. It’s fascinating—and I haven’t even gotten to her sinking, described in the famous scene from “Jaws.”
      – “Packing for Mars,” Mary Roach; an absorbing look at the beginnings of the US and other countries’ space programs; here too, I’m not a space program junkie, but the book presents aspects of its development that … just never occurred to me! Also, there are more than a few laugh-out-loud sections (i.e., the discussions between the designers and the first astronauts about “where are the windows?”; aspects of the transition from sending chimps to sending humans into space; et al).
      Apologies for the long descriptions, but these are two really good books.

    20. Lemonworld*

      I stumbled across James Oswald’s Detective Tony Maclean series. I picked up book 10 in a book store and devoured it, so now I’ve backtracked on Kindle to grab the earlier books. It’s Scottish procedurals with a supernatural tinge. Really enjoying them although the “ghosty” bits freak me out a bit. :o

  44. I Am Still Furious!!*

    Divorce drama update

    Thankfully, nothing really to update, other than I’m starting the move from my friend’s house to my Mom’s house. I’ve been here 2 weeks short of 1 year. Hard to believe! I don’t have a ton of stuff, but good grief, I have WAY TOO MANY CLOTHES! I hate to get rid of anything, and most of my clothes come from thrift stores, but still, I probably have at least 40 short sleeved shirts. Ugh. I need to pare down again.

    STBEXH stopped at our old house to get more of his stuff, and took the opportunity to quiz me about our old SUV, like I saw you were driving it, where is it now, I saw you weren’t at work today, etc. He has a cab driving job, and it’s not even 1/2 mile from my office. I have to admit it makes me a bit wary that he drives by my office every day and knows when I’m at work and when I’m not. But that’s not the best part: he actually had the nerve to tell me he wanted the 2nd half of the settlement now instead of June 2019. Um, no, I don’t have that kind of money laying around, and not my problem that your girlfriend duped you and now you have no money after you blew through it at casinos. What a jerk.

    So I’m gathering up my stuff, moving back to my old room at my childhood home, and am going to regroup.

    Football season starts today, so I’ll be watching my favorite college team, eating BBQ, and looking forward to football season and good things to come. Mom is looking forward to me moving in, so that’s good, and I plan on helping her as much as I can, carrying things, laundry, groceries, and just being there for company. It will be nice for both of us to eat at least one meal a day with another person :)

    Forward!!

    1. Dan*

      Haha, no surprise the STBX is out of cash and wants the later payment now.

      One of the hardest things to adjust to with these sorts of people once you’ve made the decision to split: presumably, when you were married, you had some interest and desire in tending to their happiness. So, if they need/wanted something, you made a good faith effort to accommodate them, even if they were a bit on the demanding side. For me, it took a real effort to change gears and say, “You know what? Your needs, wants, and general happiness are no longer my concern. I no longer feel a need/want/obligation toward that. *My* needs/wants/happiness are the priority in my life now, not yours.” It’s weird though, because at one point, you cared about them enough to try to aid and comfort them, it takes a real shift to not want/feel obligated to do that any more.

      With my ex, I saw that situation play out a mile away, so I cashed in some Roth IRA contributions to take care of everything up front. Hindsight being 20/20, had I not had that available, I would have borrowed from a loan shark for that peace of mind. A few broken bones and a hospitable stay or three would be preferable to ever talking to my ex again.

      Sort-of ex-update of my own: Apparently she’s not paying her bills (no surprise) and apparently the debt collectors are looking for her. They’ve apparently found my name in some legal records (the voicemails are addressed to my legal name, which I don’t even use at work) indicating a relationship of sorts. I wonder if these guys realize they’re like 5 years too late. It’s funny, really — these guys call, leaving a message asking me to call back an 800 number, with an extension, and a “case reference number”. In this day and age, that kind of message does *not* inspire one to return the call. I think they’d be better off just leaving a regular non-800 number, and acting like they’re an old college or high school friend or something. I want nothing to do with any “formal” activities involving my ex. If it really is that important, mail me a letter and subpoena me in court. We got divorced for a reason, and yes, if you want to even think about dragging me into any mess involving her, I’m only going kicking and screaming.

      Sure, these guys probably just want some contact information, but even still, *I* have no incentive to even so much as call them back.

      1. I Am Still Furious!!*

        I really appreciate your input and updates! I know my STBEXH is avoiding debt. He has a collection agency mailing about $750, I suspect that’s a credit card he managed to open and didn’t pay. He owes the fuel oil company $600, and the magistrate’s office for speeding tickets, and this is just what I know about from before he forwarded his mail.

        I’ve already gotten a call on my cell, clearly debt collector, asking to speak to him. I know this is why he won’t give me his new address, but I know where he’s living…and yes I will rat him out.

        You make a good point. His problems are no longer my problems. And in 60 days, he had better have figured out what to do about health insurance, because the divorce will be final and he’s off my employer’s plan. I’m sure he won’t do anything. He’s never done anything proactive in his life.

        He still thinks he can demand answers, control my time, argue, threaten, whatever, but no. I am no longer accountable to him. Honestly, he just needs to go away now.

        I’m especially amused by him accusing me of having a boyfriend, saying that if he found out I was having an affair he’d make me sorry, blah blah blah, as if living with a lying, thieving gambler wasn’t the reason for the divorce. It had to be me being unfaithful, not that he is a gambling addict. Then, HE gets a girlfriend who helped him gamble away his money, before the divorce is final, but that was ok because they weren’t living together. Oh, sweet karma.

        I am realistic enough to know even once the divorce is final, and even past next year, he will somehow impact my life. I think the key is to remember This Is Not My Problem!

        1. Not So NewReader*

          And it’s proof that you were right initially when you said, “Something’s not right here.” You were the glue holding him together. It sounds like you were his only glue, he did not have other coping tools for life.

          It’s too much to ask of other people to hold us together. We each have to take ownership of our own lives. You had ownership of TWO lives, your road will get easier now without having to drag that anchor around anymore.

          You sound less upset and more matter of fact, “Nope. That money is not coming right now.” Good for you. It’s his emotion and his upset, not yours.

        2. Dan*

          You know what? It actually gets pretty easy to completely ignore them, and after awhile, they just go away. My ex was convinced that i had her email blocked, so she would make up new email addresses to get to me. It took three or four tries for her to figure out that I actually had the willpower to ignore her.

          In the “it could be worse” camp, you could have had kids. Then you would *have* to continue speaking to him. Now you don’t! Knowing that does help.

    2. Effie, who is herself again*

      You sound like you’re doing so much better. I’m so excited for you as you continue forward.

      I hear you about the clothes. I donated 4 trash bags full of clothes when I moved cross-country and somehow I have too many clothes again :/ Let’s keep working on paring down together!

    3. Traffic_Spiral*

      Have you shut down that joint bank account yet?

      And yeah, sucks that he’s grilling you on your life and asking for favors. I’d practice getting Broken Record “what I do is is none of your business,” and “that’s not my problem to solve.”

      1. Observer*

        Have you shut down that joint bank account yet?

        That was my first thought.

        I’d practice getting Broken Record “what I do is is none of your business,” and “that’s not my problem to solve.”

        Totally!

    4. ..Kat..*

      Congratulations on moving forward!

      I recommend that you document all of these contacts with him. What he says, what he demands, etc.

      Oh, and close that old joint bank account. If the bank won’t let you, have your lawyer tell them to do it.

  45. Tris Prior*

    We have new kittens! Boy and girl siblings, 10 weeks old. We are in love. We are totally exhausted. I haven’t had kittens in more than 20 years and Boyfriend has never had kittens. Our last cat was a 15-year-old whom we took in when our friend could no longer care for her, and she mostly slept and cuddled. So this is obviously a HUGE difference, haha. These guys are tiny, TINY balls of energy.

    It’s been about a week and they are doing great – they seem very happy and at home.

    It’s totally normal to worry that you’re going to break your new kittens because they, particularly the girl, are so very very tiny, right? Asking for a friend, haha.

    1. nep*

      How cute are kittens, oh my gosh.
      Yes–when they’re so tiny, indeed they feel as if they’d break or just dissolve in your hands.
      Enjoy!

      1. Tris Prior*

        Oh, we are! And videos – we only have a couple videos of our last cat (RIP) and are so grateful we have them but wish we’d taken more.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      My husband got to hold a one day old kitten. His eyes went as round as saucers. “I have never held anything this young.” The eyes weren’t even open yet. Mom cat was letting everyone pick up the kittens and hold them, she had no worries.

      Yeah, I worried about stepping on the kittens when I first got them. Just because they were so small and the lighting in the house is not great after dark. I kept them in one room at bed time to lessen the problem. They learn pretty fast how to stay out from under foot. But looking before sitting down is probably a good idea. My main concern was when the main doors to the house were open. I did not want to lose them outside. So of course one found her way to get in the crawl space from INSIDE the house. I never thought of that one. Fortunately, she knew she had a problem. When my husband opened the outside door to the crawl space, she ran right to him and he scooped her up. We never had that problem again.

      1. Tris Prior*

        Oh my, that must’ve been such a tiny little peanut!

        I’ve been stepping very carefully. And checking the dishwasher and fridge carefully before I shut them because they are fascinated with both and keep trying to climb inside. Also, they rush the doors to the outside so it’s definitely been a challenge to get in and out of the house without them following us. That’s probably been the single biggest stress; they’re so tiny and so fast and I’d never catch them.

        1. No Tribble At All*

          Ahhhhh congrats on your kittens!! Yes, smol kittens are very hyper, and I was also afraid I’d break them. We only had an a apartment, so it was easier to keep them contained. Idk if you’ve already considered this, but maybe a baby gate? If they’re that little, it might take them a while to figure out how to jump over it.

    4. nonegiven*

      I had 6 newborn kittens in my bedroom. When they got big enough to climb onto the bed by themselves they slept with me until they went to their new home. I’d wake up at 3am with kittens running up and down my body and dive bombing each other off the headboard. They’d also jump in a flying squirrel position onto each other as they walked by on the floor. Just be careful not to catch any in the mechanism of a recliner.

      1. Tris Prior*

        We don’t own a recliner – Boyfriend is actually in the market for a new chair for himself and I explained why a recliner was a really bad idea. He paled and agreed. :)

    5. Kuododi*

      Oh….kitty love!!!! We’ve not been owned by kitties for sometime due to late in life allergies. I am having happiness overload thinking about your tiny babies!!!

    6. TL -*

      Aw, when my kitty was little (and I got her at 8 or 10 weeks, so she wasn’t that little), I was worried about breaking her all the time.
      I still worry about it, but not as much because she’s really clumsy when she’s in a growth spurt (clumsy, gassy, and sleepy are her growth spurt trifecta) and she falls off things all the time and hasn’t seriously injured herself yet.

  46. I'm A Little Teapot*

    Got the family here this weekend! Mom and sis are going to head to the plant nursery(ies) to look for a couple trees for my backyard – mom loves to garden, so I’ve turned over a lot of it to her. She’s having a blast.

    Dad’s helping with various things, including setting up my brand new security cameras so I can record my neighbor’s crazy. I really hate having to do it – $1500 for the system, and I do not understand any of it.

    My cat Arwen’s reaction was hilarious yesterday. Sis got in about midnight Thursday, and the cats were sleeping. So Friday morning, I’m sitting on the couch when sis came down, and Arwen was “OMG! Intruder! where did she come from!?!?”

    1. No Tribble At All*

      Hooray for helpful family enjoying helping! And excellent cat name :) I love when cats are surprised by something. They’re small apex predators– you’d think they’d notice someone else arriving? Goofballs!

  47. Sandy*

    How exactly does one eat a meatball sandwich?

    They had some fantastic-looking meatballs at the grocery store this morning, and I am not a big fan of spaghetti in meatballs, so I thought I would make meatball subs.

    …except I have never actually eaten one before, nor have I ever watched anyone else eat one!

    It seems like no one’ mouth should be big enough to make saint one physically possible…

    1. Lily Evans*

      You can either put the meatballs in the sandwich whole and accept that it will be incredibly messy, or you can cut the meatballs in half before putting them on the bread so it’s more manageable.

      1. Red Reader*

        I was gonna say, remove meatballs from bread and put on plate. Eat meatballs with fork. Eat saucy cheesy bread. Victory!

    3. Ali G*

      Hollow out some of the roll so the meatballs have a place to “sit”. Smother with tomato sauce and then cheese. Broil until bubbly and awesome. Get messy!

    4. UtOh!*

      Depending on the type of roll, if it’s soft enough you can just kind of squish it flat so it fits in your mouth, or like another poster wrote, just slice the meatballs so they are flatter. I’m looking forward to a meatball sub next week, hubby is making the meatballs today!

  48. nep*

    I think I put something similar out a while back…but maybe it merits pondering from time to time. (And I look forward to reading these from anyone here.)
    What has been a game-changer for you, and why/how? A possession, a person, an experience–whatever. Take it where you will. (From the mundane–a new cheese slicer–to the profound–an encounter that transformed your life…)
    I reckon we’ll hear from some that there is nothing mundane about cheese.

    1. Red Reader*

      The Apple Pencil.

      I am terrible at organizing physical papers, and cannot take notes without handwriting them. With the Notability app and the Pencil, I can write all my notes directly into my tablet, file them into categories, and sync them across all my devices and computers. And in one of the most recent updates they added handwriting-to-text conversion. I can complete PDF forms without having to print and rescan them. I took all my grad school notes by handwriting them into my tablet and I don’t think I’d have managed otherwise.

      I also have a handwriting-to-text “keyboard” for texting or any other text entry field.

      1. LJay*

        Similarly, I just got a Surface Pro, and while I think it’s too soon for me to call it a game changer, it’s been amazing for my productivity.

        I can mark up, sign, and save pdfs and send them back instead of having to print something out, sign it, and rescan it.

        It’s small enough I can and do pull it out of my bag while on a flight or waiting at the gate.

        I can put it into tablet mode and take it to meetings and jot down notes on the screen.

        I almost never used my old laptop. I use this thing pretty much constantly.

        2. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

          We got these for work and while they can’t handle heavy data processing, for heavy document processing and general work things they are fabulous. I really like the keyboard too, and its easy to throw in my backpack and take with me wherever (we are 100% hot desking). I haven’t tried the pen feature yet because they are really expensive to replace! :)

          I would absolutely consider getting one for myself – however check the battery life. I have a sneaking suspicion the one we got for work was the old version with a crappy battery life (now there are power cords all over meeting rooms and desks). I think MSFT have fixed that issue with the new one (and now they have a new like mini SP!)

    2. SemiRetired*

      Years ago a friend made a comment about someone being overweight. I don’t remember the comment itself, but, the person referred to was so much smaller than I am (or was at the time) that I finally realized that there was nothing I could ever do that would make people like my friend think that I was “fit” or “normal sized” or whatever their personal criteria was. It was a game-changer on the road to self-acceptance. I realized that the weight comments had nothing (or little) to do with me and were merely a reflection of friend’s lifelong struggle with the subject – which probably stemmed from her mother’s lifelong struggle with the subject. This was many years ago and I had been in a pattern of gaining about 5 pounds a year, despite my best efforts not to. (Admittedly, my best efforts were inconsistent.) Once I had a “this is who I am, and this is the size I am” moment, I stopped worrying about it. Did not lose any more weight but I stopped gaining and I’ve been about the same for decades now.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        It’s funny/odd how once the mind finds that peaceful place the weight follows suit sometimes. It took me almost twenty years to lose 6 sizes. About 50% of my solutions had nothing to do with food or eating. Many of them had to do with my worldview or my own self talk.

      3. KayEss*

        I had a similar revelation, though it was entirely internal–I just noticed at some point that when I pictured my ideal body, I was picturing someone not only thinner, but a good six inches shorter than I am. At that moment, I realized that while I could certainly torture myself in various ways to shed fat and muscle in pursuit of thinness, there was physically no way I could shrink my skeleton to be 15% smaller. The impossibility of it was liberating.

        I still haven’t managed to replace that “ideal body” image in my mind with something truly positive for myself, but at least I can recognize and dismiss it as the toxic lie it is when it surfaces.

    3. Millenial Lizard Person*

      Getting contacts in high school. I’d had glasses since 2nd grade. I felt like I could look like a “normal person”, not a nerd (I’m a huge nerd). It was a huge boost for my self-confidence. For a while I would never wear my glasses around other people, but now I’ve come around the other side and don’t mind. I still think contacts are more comfortable and convenient, but I’m no longer ashamed of my glasses the way I used to be.

      2. Workerbee*

        I had the same experience, though I didn’t get glasses until 5th grade, and glasses were most definitely Not Cool at the time, and I was also a super nerd without the sense to hide it. Plus nobody, not even the eye doctor, seemed to notice if I got frames that actually suited my face. They didn’t. I didn’t get contacts until high school, and for years I wouldn’t wear my glasses outside the house if I could help it.

        It actually wasn’t until post-college that I finally got up the nerve to ask for what I wanted in frames. I walked in to the eye doctor, blurted out, “I want sexy librarian glasses,” and the extremely kind and unfazed doctor found me exactly what I wanted–and they suit me perfectly. The What Were Any of Us Thinking frame years feel washed away.

        1. Millenial Lizard Person*

          Right about the frames?? All the cheap frames didn’t work for my face. Now that I stopped trying to find the thinnest, least noticeable frames, I got frames that actually look good.

    4. Workerbee*

      I didn’t dance in public until my senior year of high school. Suddenly, while standing awkwardly in the gymnasium with everyone in my class, I thought, “Nobody’s watching how _I_ dance. They’re watching for everybody watching _them_ dance!”

      True or not, it freed me up from then on, and it was glorious. Plus out in the real world, in dance clubs, you can meet interesting people who like the way you dance. :)

    5. The New Wanderer*

      I totally feel the jeggings comment, but for me? Joggers. Basically my uniform now. I can’t believe I used to wear jeans All The Time, they’re practically special occasional wear at this point.

      Recently, it’s taking online classes (Coursera’s Data Science Specialization through Johns Hopkins). I have no interest in getting another degree but wow, I really missed learning stuff in a structured way! It’s just different from picking up a book about something I’m interested in, because I’m being held accountable and getting graded and pushing myself. I think that’s the part I miss about being employed – learning and having it matter and producing something objectively good. (Because I sure don’t miss commuting and mandatory office time!)

      1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

        Hope this isn’t too off topic – but how are you finding that course? I was looking at it as well from a beginners standpoint.

    6. HannahS*

      Sewing my own clothes. The very first time I measured myself and modified a blouse pattern to fit me, I was 18 and had the sudden crashing realization clothes don’t fit because of the clothing manufacturers, and it’s not my fault. Sewing patterns allow you to adjust for your deviation from a standard height and proportions; seeing on paper that I’m short enough that nothing hits me in the right place and I’m curved such that I need 2-3 different sizes within one garment was a revelation.

    7. Nye*

      Getting an IUD (Mirena). Best thing I’ve ever done for myself. Haven’t had a period for years, and it is so freeing. I hope I never have to go back.

  49. Dog-Sitting Dilemma*

    What do you do with your dog when you go on vacation?

    I’ve looked into boarding facilities but I worry about my dog getting sick or feeling anxious the entire time she’s there because strange dogs (especially barking ones) scare her. Plus the idea of keeping her locked up makes me feel guilty.

    I’m not sure a cage-free facility is right for her either though since she’s not really into playing with other dogs which is totally my fault for not properly socializing her as a puppy; we got her in winter and took her to Petsmart for classes but I guess that wasn’t enough. We don’t get a lot of company over to our house although she’s good with new people after they’ve been in the house for a few minutes. We have been taking her to the dog park frequently this year but she prefers sniffing around to socializing. She thinks another dog wanting to chase her is trying to attack her. I have seen improvement – she’ll approach other dogs and touch noses but she doesn’t like when they want to sniff her butt and looks at them with disgust.

    I took her to a daycare facility for a half day test (they also provide cageless boarding) and they said she was very anxious around the other dogs but otherwise well-behaved. I’m not sure if she’ll adjust over time or if I’m making things worse if I keep taking her there.

    We have a friend who lives 45 minutes away who would happily dog-sit (which she does for friends and family) but she doesn’t keep a clean home and my dog would eat all the crap she finds on the floor including the stuffing from toys my friend’s dog has torn up (which she leaves lying around) so I worry about leaving her there. I’ve been debating thinking of a tactful way to address the issue though because right now she’s probably our best bet. My friend works though so I’m not sure how my dog and her dog would get along in her absence (they mostly ignore each other when we all hang out but that’s supervised).

    Ideally I’d prefer if my dog stayed at home and had someone watch her during the day but we don’t know anyone who could do that for us. My brother’s live-in girlfriend is fine coming over to watch her for a single day but can’t do that for a week or longer, plus the drive is 40 minutes each way so that would be a lot to ask. Her dog isn’t great with other dogs but could potentially get used to mine if they spent some time together first, however, my brother hasn’t invited us over for us to test that theory so I don’t think that’s going to happen.

    I’m at a loss of what to do. I love my dog so much but I’d really like to take a vacation, preferably worry and guilt-free. My husband and I usually take a nice one every couple of years but haven’t been on one since getting our dog two years ago. It’s really the only downside to having a dog in my opinion.

    1. Sandy*

      We travel a lot (for work and for fun) and our dog does not handle kennels well. That plus a special needs cat means that we use a lot of pet sitters. Sometimes the pets go to their house, if it is someone we know and trust, then they come to stay at our house. The latter is our preference but my trust threshold is high.

      We typically found petsitters through word of mouth — your local dog park is typically a great resource. Now with the special needs cat, we have taken to hiring vet techs who are looking for some cash on the side. We also just recently moved, and our new city is really big on the Pawshake app for finding petsitters.

    2. Loves Libraries*

      Ask your vet. Sometimes the workers there do pet visits as a side or they may know of someone.

      1. fposte*

        Yup. A friend gets sitting from her vet’s practice manager. Amazing woman who can be trusted with any medical challenge.

      2. blackcat*

        +1
        The vet my parents use has a lovely 20 year old vet tech who lives with her parents and LOVES to housesit and take care of animals.

    3. Red Reader*

      I board my dogs with my vet’s office. They can keep an extra eye on the older one (almost 11, but in great health, knock wood), the girls stay in the same run but are separated at mealtimes. I can bring a few of their toys. The dogs already know the techs. In general, even though my dogs are not great travelers (sounds a lot like how you describe; I didn’t socialize them quite as well as I should have done and so on), they settle in pretty quickly and do just fine. Some of the more “homey” type boarders will send you pics and updates daily or whatnot; I’ve never been that worried about it personally.

      1. Kuododi*

        I also board my two mini Daschund at their vets clinic. (It’s a full service facility). The boys are pampered like visiting royalty plus there are vets available to keep checks on my old grandpa dog. ( 12 yrs old and with some minor health issues.). I also get daily text updates with pictures. All the staff just love on the boys whenever they come over. (I hear them oooing and aaahing while snapping pictures every time they come to the clinic.). ;)

    4. Lehigh*

      Have you tried a service like Rover.com? You may be able to find someone who can come to your home or who will agree to only sit for one dog at a time at their home.

    5. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Hire someone to do visit your dog twice a day at your home. Vet techs often do this as a side gig so you could call your vets office and ask.

      1. Natalie*

        I think most dogs are going to need more than two drop ins for anything beyond an overnight trip. Everyone I know either boards or has a live in sitter. A big plus with a sitter is that they keep an eye on your house as well.

        1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

          I have cats so I stand corrected! Once a day is plenty for cats without special health needs…

        2. LJay*

          Our dog is fine with 2 drop-ins a day. We spring for 3 usually, but she is fine with 2 as well.

          She’s also old and spends most of her day sleeping though for a younger, more energetic dog it could be different.

    6. BRR*

      I use a cage free doggie daycare/boarder. He used to play with the other dogs but he’s around ten now and just likes to be around people and dogs. He’s also been at cage free day cares since I got him 9 years ago so I’m too anxious to change him now.

      I would try a pet sitter if I was you. Maybe try rover? HIRE for get to know you time/walks and hopefully something works out.

    7. CurrentlyLooking*

      There is a website called Rover that will help you find a pet sitter in your area. They list both people who pet sit in their own homes as well as people who will come to your home.

    8. Jessi*

      Why don’t you just pay someone to come and house and dog sit? You may even be able to use a website like housesitters and find someone or a couple who want to vacation in your location who are happy to dog sit for free

      1. Cat Herder*

        We have cats and an assortment of herptiles, fish, birds. Short trip: hire neighborhood kid to come over once or twice a day to feed and water critters that need it, pick up mail. When my child was younger they used to do this for a neighbor with three dogs and four cats. Lol, I helped w the dog walking! Longer trips: hire a house sitter. College or grad students are great for this: they like having a real kitchen and laundry facilities, and we pay about $100-125 / week. When we had an old cat, we boarded her at the vet.

    9. LJay*

      I use petsitters I find on apps.

      I’ve used Rover before, and we’ve been using Wag now. Care dot com also has a section for petsitters I think.

      With Wag it gives you updates when your walker has arrived, shows you a little map of where they walked and where they did their business, you get a written update from the walker, and a photo or sometimes video of your pet.

      We have them come 2-3 times a day so she gets walked, fed, watered, and some attention in the morning, the afternoon, and then before bed.

      Our dog is older and okay spending time alone though without constant supervision.

    10. Not All Who Wander*

      I have a vet tech come stay at my house. It seems like a lot of the vet techs around here do house/pet sitting on the side.

      I have a giant mastiff-sized rottie who needs twice daily injections, another dog, fish tanks, cats, snakes, and a garden that needs to be watered in the summer. Aside from everyone being happier, it is cheaper for me to pay someone to stay here than to board everyone and have someone else come and check periodically. Bonus: the house isn’t sitting empty as a target for mischief/robbery.

      I actually found this particular vet tech on Rover (the online pet siting service with the moderately annoying dog walking commercials that have been on heavy rotation lately) and everyone I know who has found someone through that service has been really happy but you could also just call your own vet and ask if they know someone.

    11. ainomiaka*

      Our trainer does stay and train. I don’t know how to recommend that to everyone since we found her through a friend that has a waaaaay more reactive/high needs dog than I have. It was absolutely no question that if they could handle x dog they could handle our slightly timid girl without a problem. She’s more expensive than a typical boarder by a bit (not as much more than I’d thought though-maybe $10/day) but I think so worth it.

      I really suggest not having someone come twice a day-what I’ve seen happen with that is a dog that gets so stressed he has diarrhea in the house and stops eating. I am sure there are really sleepy but low health issue dogs that it would be fine for, but I don’t know anyone that it has worked well for. Cats are a totally separate issue-once a day at home is probably fine unless there are extenuating circumstances about your particular cat.

    12. rubyrose*

      I got my rescue dog a little over a year ago, estimated to be three years old. Wonderful pup, but had a serious case of separation anxiety. Since I’m single, no family around, and need to travel for my job sporadically, I knew I had to find a solution early. I knew the last thing she needed was to stay at home alone or be thrust unexpectedly into a multi-night stay anywhere.

      I took her to a half day day care/boarding place. She passed their test, but it was hot and the kennels looked like prison. I tried Rover and did not have a good experience. I tried the doggie day camp at Petsmart. They gave her glowing reports, but she did not like it. Her last visit there she was totally separate from the other dogs. Someone else who had been watching before I arrived told me a larger dog had pounced on her. The handler had been trying for the previous 5 minutes to corral the offender and was still trying when I got there. Hailee was more than ready to leave. The staff did not mention any problems occurring.

      We were also doing classes at PetSmart; the trainer mentioned offhand that she knew someone who did in-house boarding. When I asked for information, she immediately said that she thought this person would be perfect for Hailee, since her person only took small dogs.

      Suzanne has been a godsend. I did start slow on purpose, starting with a couple of half day stays, going to a number of full days. After that, she did one overnight, then two overnights, and is now up to seven nights. I also came across a woman in my complex who does dog care, again, keeping to smaller dogs. Met her while walking Hailee and realized I saw her often, walking different dogs. Hailee has done several day stays with her and just did an overnight. She loves both places and she has learned that I am going to come back. Her separation anxiety has lessened to the point I can leave her alone at home for about 4 hours and she is fine.

      The socialization she has received in the two homes where a loving person is choosy about the dogs they take has built up her self confidence around other dogs. She initially would totally avoid any barking dog. She now understands that dogs sometimes bark when they are playing, so she is handling barking pretty well now. I tried taking her to dog parks about a year ago; she would avoid the other dogs and would only walk around if I did (she would follow me). Over the last couple of weeks I’ve been taking her back to the dog park. She only wants to stay about half an hour, but she is participating in the play. She keeps track of where I’m at, but ventures off on her own. She allows the other dogs to sniff her, but does put her butt down if she has had enough of it. She now has a special interest in the big dogs! She is holding her own in the crowd, something she could not do a year ago. I do think building her up gradually has really made a difference. I’m so proud of her.

      I would say there is hope! You just need to find the right environment and gradually build up the time your pup spends there. Really watch how your dog is when they come home and how they react when you take them back. Good luck!

    13. Revanche @ A Gai Shan Life*

      We used to just leave the dog with friends but now that our senior dog needs more attention, we go through petsitting. I don’t want to leave a referral link here in case it’s not kosher but on my site I list all the services I use personally and love, Rover.com being one of them, if you want a referral that should give you something like a $20 credit.

      We currently prefer people to board our pups at their place so we interview people carefully and see how they get on with the dogs and even do a test overnight stay to confirm they are the right fit. We’ve doing a few really good sitters over the years this way, originally through Dogvacay and now Rover since they merged. You can usually find people who are willing to housesit so your dog doesn’t have to go anywhere on the site as well.

    14. Dog-Sitting Dilemma*

      I appreciate all the replies and suggestions. Luckily my dog doesn’t have separation anxiety and literally sleeps the entire time we’re not home (verified because I have multiple cameras in the house). That being said, I don’t think someone stopping by twice a day would be enough interaction for her, plus I’d feel guilty and wouldn’t be able to enjoy my vacation. My vet recommended a particular sitter (since they do not provide boarding themselves) but she always has a ton of dogs in her home and they are usually on the larger size which made me nervous. I like Rubyrose’s suggestion about finding someone who sticks to smaller dogs. Even if my dog were to stay in a home with another smaller dog I’d feel less concerned about her getting terribly hurt like I would if she was around larger dogs. Money isn’t really a concern for me as I’d rather pay more for her to have a positive and enjoyable experience. I’m not a very trusting person, though, so I’m not sure how I’d feel about someone I don’t know staying in my house for a week when we’re out of town.

    15. PetticoatsandPincushions*

      Do Rover if you have that in the area- I make some extra money on the side by boarding dogs through the app and I think it’s a really great system. You can have your dog stay with the sitter (which is all I do) but you can also pay to have the sitter stay in your home while you are gone. It of course involves a level of trust in fairly amateur caregivers, but everyone gets reviews and they always recommend having the dog and sitter meet before to ensure compatibility. I’ve been doing it all summer and every single dog I’ve had was lovely and enjoyed their time at my house. If you aren’t comfortable having a stranger in your home, the boarding aspect is great because they are still in a home environment instead of a kennel.

  50. Étudiante*

    Serious Pillowfight, if you have an update about your Danish exchange student, please do share.
    I’ve been thinking of you and I hope the first days were just as you’d expected them to be.

    1. Serious Pillowfight*

      Hi! Thank you so much for asking! He got here two days ago and has been settling in nicely. He’s extremely polite and has a good sense of humor. We feel really lucky to have him. The high school was amazing when I took him to register. He officially starts Wednesday. I just took him to meet my crazy extended family today, which he enjoyed, especially since my stepsister’s boyfriend is a stereotypical “redneck” gun-toting American. But everyone was really nice to him and he seems pretty happy. I’m trying to be kind but not overbearing and give him attention but let him be alone a few times a day. I will be sure to update more tomorrow!

      1. Étudiante*

        Hi, and thanks for the update! Looking forward to hearing more.
        The first few days are so important. They really can set the tone for the adaptatiom period. Sounds like things are going well!

  51. Panda Bandit*

    I haven’t seen Elizabeth West in the comment section lately. I hope everything is alright with her!

    3. Someone Else*

      The last time she posted under that name she specifically said she had reasons to anonymize herself moving forward, so also if you think you recognize her under any various different handles, don’t point it out. But she is around.

      1. Panda Bandit*

        Ah, no problem! It felt like we were in the same metaphorical boat, but things have recently improved for me and I hope they have for her as well.

  52. Back together*

    So, my ex and I decided to try again. I’m a little freaked out and worried I’ll just get hurt all over again, but the relationship has so much potential I can’t not try. Any suggestions about how to successfully get back together? We’ve already agreed to go to a counsellor. And fwiw nothing truly terrible happened (no cheating etc), just a lot of life stuff and emotions.

    I’m hopeful and yet so scared!

    1. Triplestep*

      Without knowing why you broke up, it’s hard to give suggestions. If the “life stuff” amounted to different goals and ideas about the future, it would be ill-advised to get back together if neither of you has changed your mind about this stuff. But if the “life stuff” was more about the way one or both of you was acting during stressful times, poor communication or things along those lines, then the counseling should help. People can learn to change their responses to stressors and to communicate better.

      I guess I would say just take a baby-steps approach and work on one thing at a time. Have goals and ways of figuring out if you’ve reached them. If the idea is to someday marry or be in some kind of committed “forever” relationship, keep checking in so you know you’re both working towards the same thing.

    2. Cat Herder*

      What Triplestep said. And also, don’t move in together until you have really worked out the problems you had before. No relationship is perfect and they all have some problems, but living together brings its own issues, it’s a financial investment, and it can feel harder to break up (if that’s what’s best) because it’s a big commitment.
      Good luck

  53. Nervous Accountant*

    The light stuff–

    I’m currently youtubing some of the songs covered by other artists, enjoyable time.

    So, I asked last week about what to buy my nieces who are 11 and 14… ironically the whole family came to visit on Tuesday as a last minute surprise. They rented an apt for a few days. It was nice to have them around, and they left today. I had some makeup & nail & skincare products that I’d been setting aside to give away/use later, so I gave all of those to them (unused stuff from subscription boxes & free gifts etc)

    Getting my hair colored tomorrow. Still debating between going back to my natural dark/1-shade lighter than black color, or do that and get pink hair underneath…”underlights” iv’e heard it called.

    I finally organized my makeup last weekend and immediately felt sick seeing how much I’ve accummulated since 2005.. (I dont’ use that old stuff, just keep it for sentimental value).

    Went w a few coworokers recently and had crispy duck for the first time ever… loved it.

    1. Workerbee*

      I understand about the sentimental makeup value. I have certain eye pencils that take me right back to what was happening in my life when they were my go-tos.

  54. Nervous Accountant*

    And the not so light stuff–

    Got my A1c down from 87 to 6.7 from April to now. Strangely enough, I just didn’t feel as happy or elated as I thought I would. And worse so, whenever I see good results, I relax and loosen up and end up going back to my old bad habits that got me in trouble in the first place. I lost 5 lbs and my husband’s been bugging me to make sure I dont’ gain it back (I know this sounds bad, but it’s not–he knows how hard it was for me to lose, and how miserable I’ve been w/ my weight and he doesn’t want to see me unhappy or suffering with my health).

    I’m quietly browsing a few diabetes/keto support groups and slowly soaking everything in. Also bought Diabetes Code by Dr Fung and reading it when I have time. A few months ago I would have immediately shut down any thought of removing medication and just doing it with diet. Irony of all of this? My dad was huge on the “control with diet, not medicine!” stuff (but he never told me to not take it, he just wanted me to be more open about it with him). He would’ve been the only one happy to know the change in #s. I still don’t think this is cureable or reversible but if this helps me lose weight, its worth looking in to!

    My mom had another one of her episodes or whatever you want to call it. I was too tired to care or argue back and I know she’d quiet down eventually. Next morning on my way to work, I felt satan’s thoughts creeping in so I took a xanax. I was really hesitant b/c I’ve only ever taken it at night and knocked right out. But….I don’t know if it was a placebo effect or real….but 30-40 m later I was at work, in a pretty damn good mood and kicking ass (this was the day after THE TALK). I asked my pcp if there’s anything for anxiety that doesn’t cause drowsiness and he said that those have a side effect of weight gain, so I opted out of it.

    1. Nobody Special*

      Hey just wanted to say I have been a Type 1 diabetic for 56 years and I know how hard it is to deal with the “control” issues, pun intended. Of course my Type is different from yours because type 1s can’t survive w/o insulin, but exercise and diet are important for all. My only real advice is to see an endocrinologist if you can, not just a pcp. Good luck and sympathy!

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        I do see an endo for the diabetes. I can email my pcp anytime though w questions. My anxiety isn’t so bad that I need to switch medications so I’ll stick w the Xanax.

  55. Anonymosity*

    I sold a chair this week–I had this crazy goth-looking recliner that looked like something Sweeney Todd would own. It was really cool, but it lived with me long enough, and I really don’t have room for it, nor did I want to mess with it if I move. Then I went to the video store and EntertainMart, and now I have all 19 MCU films on Blu-ray. \0/

    I figure Disney will vault them after Avengers 4 and then release them in a huge, expensive box set I would never get, or not at all–maybe they’ll just force everyone to watch them on a streaming service. My nerd ass should have been buying them pre-viewed for $10 from the video store all along and it would have been cheaper, but NOOOOO, I didn’t do that (will do it in future). Anyway, film festival at my house!! I have popcorn!! :)

    Also, a realtor came and looked at my house in case of moving. I think I’d be lucky just to break even, as it’s in not-so-great shape. I’m hoping that if I get the job I applied for in StL I can make enough off the house to get an apartment rather than living with family and driving two hours every day.

    Today, I grabbed a new medium-sized shredder and am shredding the boxes of crap I didn’t want to throw away, which piled up after my old shredder broke. That is the worst task ever. Never again do I want a job that gives out paper pay stubs. :P

    1. Chaordic One*

      It sounds like things are happening, you’re getting prepared for whatever comes next and you have some plans. (Grit and gumption.) Good for you!

    2. valentine*

      Would roommates be an option in StL? I hope you get to go, especially if it’s moving you closer to where you really want to be.

      1. Anonymosity*

        OH HELL NO.
        I don’t want roommates. I’ve had terrible luck with them. Just no.
        I don’t really want to be there either, tbh. Anyway, I shouldn’t have said anything because I probably won’t get it.

    3. Gatomon*

      Wow I’m jealous of your MCU collection! I’m working on collecting all the MCU films too, except streaming rights for most of them because I just don’t have space for 19+ blu-ray boxes. I’m pretty confident they’ll get locked away in the new Disney streaming service too, and I just can’t accept paying for more streaming services. I’ve already noticed that since May (when I started this quest), the price on the streaming versions has been slowly creeping upwards, and the physical discs are getting harder to find in store for the older movies. Overall I’m pushing myself to actually purchase content I enjoy more instead of subscribing to it.

      Ugh, paper pay stubs. I have a drawer full of them from my job. I’ve been scanning them onto my PC as they come and then tossing them into the shred box, except for the year-end ones, but I only get around to scanning them every 5 – 6 months….

      1. Anonymosity*

        Oh man, I lucked out so hard on being able to find them all AND get them used, mostly. I got eight of them from the video store, and the rest from EntertainMart. A couple were new, because I couldn’t find any secondhand. Used discs are almost always good–I’ve only been burned by a video store purchase once. I’m watching them all in order to make sure they’re okay. :) They don’t take up much space. It helps that I’m picky about what I buy, only films I’ve seen and liked.

        I think Disney will force everyone to subscribe to streaming eventually if they want to watch their films at all. Which sucks, because a lot of people still don’t have internet. But even if I don’t continue buying after Avengers 4, I wanted MCU Phases 1-3 because they’re all my favorite classic heroes. And boy, we are never going to see another character/story arc like this again, not in any franchise.

        Re shredding: If I ever get a job again that does paper pay stubs, I will either refuse them or scan and shred as I get each one, because DAMN. After filling up four kitchen-sized trash bags, I still have a whole file box full *whimper*. I’m going to call one of those confidential shred places because I just cannot even anymore.

        1. Gatomon*

          We’ve unfortunately lost our new/used movie store several years ago, and nothing has really taken its place. MCU just doesn’t show up at Goodwill or on Craiglist often enough, so I’m stuck with buying new. There might be some at pawn shops, but I’ve never been to one.

          I’m not so worried yet about streaming video, since HD can still be done on very slow DSL lines (if you’re willing to wait for it to buffer before starting), but I think 4K will really be a limiter. High-speed internet is a job requirement for me though, so I do have to ensure I live somewhere that meets requirements. I should always be able to stream, but select ones, like Black Panther, I’m getting the collector’s disc.

          I think you’re right to be worried about new MCU movies getting locked in to the service. I think they’ve already said they’ll have exclusive Marvel shows on there. Buying them outright is the only thing I can think of to resist the possibility.

  56. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

    Here’s a random question: Is there an easy way, or any way, to clean a small desk fan without opening up the grille in front? The blades are covered in dust so I’m concerned about the health ramifications of just leaving it as is. Thanks in advance.

    2. Cat*

      The very risky way is to just wash it out with water. I had a fan that was absolutely filled with nasty dust and fluff that I washed out in the shower. I let it dry for several months and it works fine now. Your mileage may vary!

  57. Red Reader*

    Went all project-y today. Cleaned out all three freezers (kitchen fridge, garage fridge and chest freezer), threw out a ridiculous amount of stuff that was years out of date. Then when I went to put away some laundry, I found myself going gung-ho and ended up with five bags of old clothes going to the charity donation bin up the road. My room hasn’t been this tidy in years. Husband has been silently gritting his teeth and tolerating my wardrobe explosion for at least a year – but he’s been gone today with his gaming group, so the tidy will be a surprise when he gets home :)

    1. Ender*

      Awesome. I put together a whole bag of toys and clothes for charity last night. Decluttering feels good!

      1. Red Reader*

        Husband went upstairs when he got home, opened the bedroom door, paused, and yelled “We got robbed! How did we get robbed while you were home all day working on a secret project!?” Flawless victory.

    2. Overeducated*

      Wow, good for you! I did a bunch of way overdue dusting yesterday, but decluttering and going through old clothes is a daunting task.

  58. Wanderlush*

    So most travel sites tell you to avoid visiting Europe during August because many Europeans are on vacation, causing most venues and restaurants to close. Mr. W then asked me, But then where do the vacationing Europeans go? Aren’t they touring and traveling to same spots? How can things be shut down?

    I promised him I’d ask AAM community!

    1. EvilQueenRegina*

      I’m from England, and I don’t think things shut here for the summer. If anything, it’s more likely to happen over the winter months, or that opening hours will be shorter. Summer is when people want to be visiting venues.

    2. Villanelle*

      Paris defintely used to this in August. I think traditionally they went to the beach but I’m sure they now go anywhere in the world.

      1. Detective Amy Santiago*

        I listened to a podcast episode recently about this and how the country used to mandate when bakers could take vacations to ensure there was always bread available to those who were still in Paris.

        (I think it was a Stuff You Should Know ep)

        1. Millenial Lizard Person*

          I’m sorry for laughing at stereotypes but “mandating when bakers can take vacation so the country doesn’t run out of bread” is literally the most French thing I’ve ever heard!

      2. blackcat*

        Yes, so you *also* don’t want to go to the beach in France in August (either north or south) because that’s where all the French people are! Too busy!

    3. Millenial Lizard Person*

      Can confirm that Luxembourg/France in August is dead. Fully 1/3 to 1/2 of all shops/restaurants are closed. I think they go to the beach, but to be honest, I’m not sure either.

    4. Cobalt*

      We just got back from Germany, Austria, and Italy. Not dead! Lots of German tourists in the Austrian Alps, and in Italy (Lago di Garda). German schools stagger their summer breaks so not everyone is on holiday at the same time.

    5. Middle School Teacher*

      I’ve been to Italy three times in August and I found it very dead of residents, especially Rome. Just tourists everywhere. I was told it’s because it’s too hot to stay in the cities, and most Italians escape to the coast, according to the concierge at our hotel. Paris is the same.

    6. Sandy*

      True in Belgium. Big sign goes up at the end of July until the beginning of September: Closed for Annual Vacation (in French nad Dutch of course) entire companies and institutions shut down major operations for th emonth of August — it’s easier that way! No one has to fight for vacation time.

      Given that Brussels is such an expat city, I am betting that virtually everyone goes back to their home countries for the summer.

    7. Jemima Bond*

      I live in the UK and stuff doesn’t shut in August. Growing up, we went on holiday to somewhere in France for two weeks in August every year. Paris might be a bit dead (we overnighted there once on the way south though and it was fine) but the rest of France was full of all sorts of nationalities including the French, holidaying, going to touristy things and buying stuff from French businesses aimed very much at making money from them. The only odd shop I remember seeing closed for “les grandes vacances” were things tourists would be unbothered about, like a picture framers’ or a stationer or something.
      The rest of France is very much, “come and stay in this delightful hotel of picturesque campsite! Eat in our fabulous restaurants! Swim in our beautiful lakes and sunbathe on our beaches! Visit our chateaux and historic towns and natural wonders! Buy lovely handmade things from our artisan shops! More wine! More wine!”

    8. Ender*

      Ireland and Britain don’t shut down in August. On the continent most tourist areas are open as usual afaik – I think this must only affect businesses that don’t primarily rely on tourists for their business.
      I was in a tourist town in Italy a couple of weeks ago and all was open (except for the day of the feast of the ascension when almost everything shut down but even on that day we still managed to buy gelato!)

    9. Foreign Octopus*

      I live in Spain and can tell you that the travel sites are more or less correct.

      Things do slow down in August but that doesn’t mean the restaurants and bars are closed. Generally it just means government offices, private companies, etc., etc. I always have trouble trying to get anything official done in August but that’s just the way of it. All of the tourist attractions are open though – some bars may be closed for the holidays but not all of them – and in places like Madrid and Barcelona, there’s so much to do you won’t notice what is closed.

      So unless you want to do something official through the government (can’t think why but who knows), you’ll find that it’s fine.

    10. Marion Ravenwood*

      Currently in Rome and can confirm that outside of the main touristy areas, lots of stuff shuts for at least two weeks in August (based on the signs on shop/restaurant doors and my rudimentary Italian). My understanding is they all go to the seaside as it’s too hot in town.

      In the UK, agree with EvilQueenRegina that things shut earlier in winter rather than summer. That tends to apply more outside big cities and to attractions which are quite light-dependent though (eg museums, stately homes etc).

  59. LizB*

    O wise commentariat, I’m at my wits’ end with myself and need some advice.

    I cannot break myself of the habit of leaving worn-once-but-not-quite- dirty-enough-for-the-laundry clothes in a pile on the floor. I have tried making myself hang them back up, making myself put them in the laundry, designating a small basket to hold them. I’ve tried Habitica, tried only listening to my fave podcast when the floor is clothesless, tried bribing myself with prizes at the end of the week. Nothing has made any difference. I have gotten so much better about a lot of my messy habits, but this one has been intractable so far. Anyone have an out-of-the-box idea?

    1. Triplestep*

      You’ve probably done this but the only thing that makes me hang up my clothes right away is … hanging them up right away. I actually do this the minute I get home from work because if I want to be able to wear them again, I don’t want to do food prep in them (either dinner or next day’s lunch – even if I’m not cooking dinner I’m still dealing with food, setting up the coffee pot, etc.) They basically go from touching my body to touching my hands to touching a hanger.

      I make sure I have a lot of extra hangers, too, so the vacant ones are obvious. Oh, and I only have two kinds of hangers (grey flocked, and a few clear plastic with clips for hanging slacks). I don’t know if that helps with hanging the clothes before they hit the floor, but it does seem to keep my closet more organized.

      1. LizB*

        Hm, I like the idea of hanging them up right when I get home from work. Generally I’ve tried to do that step when I’m getting ready for bed, but at that point I’m so tired I usually just give up. I’ve managed to build a habit of putting my shoes away as soon as I walk in the door, maybe the key is just to extend that habit to the rest of my clothes as well.

        1. Dr. Anonymous*

          As part of this, are you standing in the closet when you take the clothes off? Just changing where you stand when you change may make it easier to change what you do with the clothes. Stand right in front of the hanger as you take off the clothes. It’s right there! It may be the tipping point you need.

      2. Anonymosity*

        I do this and I have a thing with hooks on the back of the closet door, facing out into the room. I just take whatever off and hang it up right then. If I want to use a hanger, I put it on one of the hooks and it’s right there waiting for me. :)

      3. Jemima Bond*

        Me too to hanging things up straight away – when I put something on in the morning I take it out of the wardrobe on its hanger and leave the hanger on the end of the bed. Then I can’t go to bed until I hang up what I’ve just taken off!

      4. Washi*

        Same. I think this is partly because my mom is from a culture where you have your “outdoor” clothes for work/school, and “house clothes” and under no circumstances do you lounge around in your outdoor clothes. So for me, it’s part of my “I’m home!” routine – come in, put my shoes away, hang up my work clothes, and put on my comfy house clothes. I think because it’s sort of a ritual I get a lot of pleasure from performing, it’s easier for me to stick to it.

    2. Lehigh*

      Why do you want to not leave them in a pile on the floor?

      I could be way off, but it sounds at first guess like you are not able to keep up a habit of moving your clothes because leaving them there isn’t actually causing enough inconvenience or discomfort for you to stick with any new plan.

      1. LizB*

        95% because it bugs my partner when I leave them on the floor, 5% because I know it would be better for the clothes themselves to be hung up rather than crumpled in a pile. You’re right, I haven’t been able to stick with any plan because I honestly don’t care if they’re on the floor.

        1. Triplestep*

          I don’t really care either, but I find that being able to find them more easily impacts so many other things about getting ready for work/getting to work; I just need to have faith that it’s worth it when I’m at the opposite end of that schedule and just walking in the door.

        2. Lehigh*

          Could you consider moving them off the floor in the morning, rather than trying to do it when you’re tired at night? Your partner probably doesn’t mind where they are while you’re sleeping but doesn’t want to see them there during the day (or for days at a time).

          At least that’s how I feel about *my* partner’s pile of dirty clothes. Lol.

          If you make it part of your routine when you’re fresher, it may be easier.

        3. Wishing You Well*

          Yeah, I was going to suggest leaving them on the floor, but here’s another idea: Tape off a square on the floor with blue painters’ tape. There’s now an official “here’s where my clothes belong” space on the floor!
          (You asked for out-of-the-box ideas, right?!)

          Full disclosure: I have my own bathroom, so my clothes are always on the floor. It works.

    3. Villanelle*

      Do you have anywhere else to put the clothes thst isnt on the floor? A chair, over your laundry hamper etc? Otherwise I have no ideas. I have an open wardrobe (a pretty clothing rail) that I place clothes on and subsequently re-hang.

    4. Sparrow*

      In college, I always had a coat hanger in my bedroom that was perfect for light jackets, hoodies, cardigans, etc., that I wore a few times in between washes. For some reason it was easier to toss them on the coat hanger than to hang them up properly in the closet.

    5. Aphrodite*

      Since it’s summer and hot I tend to wear things only once. Since my laundry room is next to the kitchen entryway I often undress in that room and put everything right in the washer. Then I put on my favorite oversized tee shirt/nightshirt once I hit the bedroom.

      1. LizB*

        Man, I wish I had a washer in my actual apartment… that sounds so easy. I’m also wearing most things once at this point of the summer, but stuff like jeans or shirts I wear over a camisole still get stuck in this limbo state sometimes.

    6. Nacho*

      You could always just leave them in a pile on the floor until it’s time to do laundry.

      That’s what I do, and it seems to work pretty well.

    7. KayEss*

      If you get a basket/hamper (or a clothes drying rack, for something that will leave them less rumpled) can you put it in the exact spot you would otherwise drop clothes on the floor? I tend to drop my to-be-worn-again clothes in a pretty small area right next to my side of the bed (my “floordrobe”), so if I put a receptacle there I think it would be pretty easy to make the switch.

      If you’re more of a “strewn around everywhere” clothes person, that probably won’t help. My cardigans wind up all over our apartment when its cold enough for me to be wearing them, and I just collect them and hang them all up every couple weeks.

      1. LizB*

        Huh, a clothes drying rack is an interesting idea! I bet that would be easier for me than individual hangers. I wonder if it would still be frustrating for my partner… I can ask him.

        The progress I’ve made so far on this has been in switching from clothes-strewn-about to one self contained floordrobe pile. That I’ve managed. It’s just the next step (actually putting them away) that’s eluding me.

    8. Public Health Nerd*

      I hung an Ikea coat rack behind the bedroom door, which is the perfect size for not actually dirty but worn clothes.

    9. Nobody Special*

      Yeah i do this and eventually got a cheap small chest for sweaters which promptly became the new non floor place for the piles. I used to try to cure myself of this but its not my worst habit and the self criticism just became a trap.

    10. Ender*

      I have a separate laundry hamper I use specifically for clothes that have been worn but are not dirty. Buy one and put it in the same spot on the floor that you drop your clothes now, and just drop your clothes in that instead.

      Honestly I think hanging them back up is a bad idea because even if they are not dirty they are still worn and will be a tiny bit dirty – so you’re introducing dirt into your wardrobe

    11. Traffic_Spiral*

      I think once they’ve been left on the floor they’re too dirty to re-wear anyways. Maybe get a chair you can drape them on? Hooks on a part of the wall?

    13. anonagain*

      What do you do with your dirty clothes? Do those pile up on the floor too? If not, is there something from that system that you can borrow?

      Since the problem is that it bugs your partner, might it make more sense to think about reducing the annoyance for them instead of changing your habits? What is their objection to leaving the clothes where they are? If it’s the visuals, can you use something to hide the pile from view, e.g. a screen or strategically placed piece of furniture? If the clothes are in your partner’s way, can you rearrange things in your room to make the pile less obtrusive? For example, if your partner needs to step over your clothes to get to their dresser, maybe you could you move their dresser.

      If you’re dropping your clothes in your section of a walk in closet, it might make sense to give you the back of the closet and your partner the front. If your clothes always accumulate next to your dresser, you might move your dresser. You might even think about leaving your dresser where it is and just move your pajamas somewhere else. I can see re-purposing a nightstand, bookshelf, or a rolling cart for this kind of thing.

      If you go that route, I would try make sure you’re not adding a lot of extra work for yourself. If you need to move things or it becomes inconvenient for you to change where you always do, then it can be harder to keep it up. I really like open top storage and things on wheels that can be moved around easily. I think one of those rolling under bed storage things could be interesting, if you leave the top off. If you managed to drop all of your clothes into something like that, would that work? It would still be a fall hazard though.

      You also mentioned that you’ve changed many messy habits, which is awesome. I feel awkward suggesting this because it’s quite personal. Still, I think if you have made a lot of changes to your habits and this is one that you are really struggling with, it may be that this is where your partner meets you in the middle and works on letting this go. That’s up to you all though.

      1. LizB*

        I’ve gotten pretty good at making sure the pile is out of his way, but I think for him it’s kind of the principle of the thing: either clothes are clean and should be put away nicely or they’re dirty and should be in the laundry hamper, there is none of this middle ground leave-them-out nonsense. He’s already meeting me in the middle on a few other habits, so this is one I’m determined to eventually actually change. I like the rolling storage under the bed idea…

        1. Dr. Anonymous*

          Here’s another way to look at the “limbo” clothes. If they don’t smell and I don’t see stains on them, they’re clean. I don’t need a count of when they were washed last. I’ll wash them when they look icky, smell icky, or make me uneasy. Otherwise I’ll wear them again and they can go hang out with the other clothes I will wear again. They don’t have to be segregated; I’m not going to catch cooties from myself.

    14. Courageous cat*

      The only thing that worked for me was, over time, noticing how stressed out it was making me when my clothes were everywhere, and noticing the palpable feeling of relief every time you clear a messy spot. It’s really hard for me to change my lazy habits, but noticing that enough times has eventually stopped me from doing that with my clothes (and everything else in my life) – I now value being clean so much more.

    15. LuJessMin*

      I used to do that – take off the still clean work clothes at the end of the day and leave them on my bed to hang up later. Later they were thrown in the laundry because my white furry cat decided they were comfy and got his fur all over them.

      One year, I made a New Year’s resolution to hand up clothes/coats/jackets as soon as I took them off. I’m proud to say I still do it five years later. Once you get into the habit of doing it, it becomes second nature.

  60. Aphrodite*

    I hope I am not too late because I’d love feedback.

    I am in my sixties but my hair started turning gray in my forties. I originally had blue-black hair but as I got older I knew enough to know that it need to go lighter. (Horrifying memories of seeing older women in my teens and twenties with coal black hair has never left me.) So I did.

    I have been coloring my hair for approximately 20 years in a salon. My stylist does an excellent job so it looks natural. However, I have been considering going gray but only if it looks like some of these:

    https://www.google.com/search?rlz=1C1GGRV_enUS751US751&biw=1241&bih=897&tbm=isch&sa=1&ei=ccuEW8rZG7SR0PEPh6alqA4&q=layered+trendy+silver+bob&oq=layered+trendy+silver+bob&gs_l=img.3…61832.63063..64037…0.0..0.134.710.0j6……0….1..gws-wiz-img…….0i8i7i30.2ZExzk9071I#imgrc=_

    And I specifically love the sixth picture on the top row with the multiple shades of silver.

    Once, maybe 15 years ago, I was unemployed and unable to afford coloring (and my hair grows unusually fast) but I got hired and got it colored again. My male boss commented that I looked ten years younger and he waited for me to tell him what I had changed because he couldn’t figure it out. I did.

    But I am older now and even though I look at least ten years younger than my age I am worried that I might look much more aged if I go natural. It would cost about $300 because the stylist would have to strip out the color and then determine what my natural color really looked like all over. We do know there is a lot of silver and may not be much if any yellow but can’t be sure without actually doing it.

    Thoughts? Experiences?

    1. Triplestep*

      I went gray two years ago (I am 55) after seeing my mother and all my old aunts at a family Bar Mitzvah. We all have that pasty Eastern European complexion, and my mom looked great in her silver/black hair. Instead my aunts looked like they used shoe polish on their heads.

      First, I would NOT strip the color out of your hair. My daughter did this to get one of those trendy silver color jobs and it ruined her hair for a couple of years ’til the stripped part all grew out. (And by the way, a lot of the photos on your google image page are of twenty-somethings like my daughter who sported this look.)

      Going gray is easier if your hair is short (mine was/is) or if you’re willing to go short, but my stylist has helped women with shoulder-length hair go gray by stripping out little pieces of the color with each hair cut so that it looks highlighted while the roots are growing out from the top.

      I used three different root cover products, and then cut all the color out. But if you’re not committed to short hair, you can start to let the gray grow out, and use root cover while you see what you’ve got for gray. You only have to cover the roots where your hair parts, and then don’t get caught in a high wind! I started with one that was like a mascara brush, then graduated to one that was like a large magic marker, then finally got one that was like a can of spray paint. All of these were sold in the major drug store chains.

      If you are willing to go short, I suggest you start letting the gray grow out, use the root cover ’til it gets to the desired (short) length, THEN cut it short. People will be so wowed by the total change there won’t be so much focus on your gray. Consider wearing it in a slightly daring style; you can find mine by going to your google image page and typing in “gray fauxhawk” in the search box. Top row, six photos over – only I am much older than the woman in that picture, and my hair is naturally about 30-40% silver gray. I would not dare to wear my hair this way if I was coloring it, but somehow with my gray it works. My glasses complete the look. (Type in “louis belgium” in the google image search box; top row, fourth image over.)

      I find that when I wear a full face of make-up, I get lots of compliments on my hair! Contrariwise, the worst case of mansplaining that ever happened to me occurred in a mobile phone store when I was wearing jeans, sweatshirt and no make-up. With my hair not really done, I probably looked like I had just rolled off the sofa and into the store. Not that that is any excuse for being mansplained, but it does sort of illustrate how gray hair can enhance a put-together look, and exacerbate an already sloppy look.

      I say DO IT – you will not regret it! (And if you do, you can color it again :-) )

    2. The New Wanderer*

      I’m in my 40s but started getting stray white hairs when I was 21 – I’m probably 30% white now but I color my hair because vanity + job hunting. My dad went grayish in his 40s/50s and now has totally white hair at 70, so I know that’s in my future.

      My mom just asked this past week if I was thinking of letting it go natural (medium brown with white patches) since I’m not working. I do want to avoid the fried look of constant color (medium blonde), but my compromise is to just dye the top third of my hair. I like the look, it colors the main visible white streak at my temple, and the low lighting effect of the dark hair underneath is pretty cool IMO. I think if or when I’m ready, my plan is to start choosing a darker shade for that top layer so the inevitable roots aren’t so obvious (except for the whites). Then phase out the roots and just stop coloring.

    3. Ron McDon*

      I am in my mid-forties, and started going grey on my temples at 17. Now, the hair from my temples down grows nearly completely white, but the rest of my hair is mostly dark brown, with a few grey hairs here and there. So I colour my hair once a month or so, when I get the telltale white stripe!

      My sister is in her late-forties, and stopped colouring her hair in her early-forties. She looks soooo old since going grey all over.

      I keep considering letting my colour grow out, but then I don’t recognise the old lady in the mirror when I do… and seeing how my sister gets mistaken for being much older than she is because of her white hair puts me off, because I am very vain and like that people don’t think i’m as old as I am!

      I have always said that when I get the ‘white stripe’ growing through on the top of my head I’ll stop colouring my hair and go grey, but I don’t know that I will be brave enough if that happens in the next 10 years or so….

      Uncoloured hair is also very coarse, so that will affect the sort of style you would choose – I agree that getting a short hair cut is the best idea.

      Good luck, let us know what you decide!

    4. Ender*

      Have you ever dyed your hair at home? You can get good quality hair bleach to strip the colour and good quality grey dye to dye it a nice shade of grey. Total cost should be less than €30.

      Just make sure you wait 2- 3 days between the bleach and the colour to let your hair recover. So you have a couple of days of blonde before you go grey. You never know you might decide you like the blonde.

      1. Courageous cat*

        That’s gonna be really, really tricky to do yourself and get it right with no experience. Going gray (artificially) is not like going dark.

    5. only acting normal*

      It’s unlikely you’ll have any yellow if you started out blue-black. You’ll probably go proper silver and black.
      I’ve been using semi-permanent colour, that washes out over a month or so, to cover grey roots until I went for a pixie cut again. But pixie is my “normal”, if you always have longer hair it might be a cut too far.

    6. ronda*

      i stopped coloring my hair and found out my gray hair is on the back of my head. not on the top. since my hair on the top is long, it covers up the grey unless the hair moves…… then some people freak out and dig thru the hair on the back of my head (this is not strangers, so not a problem of inappropriate touching)

      Until you check it out by not coloring, it is going to be hard to tell if it ends up being a look you like.

    7. WellRed*

      Do not strip out the haircolor. You are likely to damage your hair and wind up with a color you don’t like. Are you just tired of the upkeep?

    8. Wishing You Well*

      If you’re still working, grey hairs can attract age-discrimination. It’s not legal, but, oh it happens – a lot. Consider not going grey until you retire. Just a thought.

      Also, depending on your skin tone, silver or light hair can make your face look too pale (and older). Find a silver scarf/fabric and wear it like a wig in front of a mirror. Take it on and off to see the color effect. Ask other people what the scarf/fabric does for your skin tone.
      For $300, I want you to be very happy with the change!

    9. Kate*

      I am counting the minutes until I can pull off full gray/silver! Right now my hair is paper towel roll brown, but I have some silver at the temples and sprinkled throughout, just not enough to convert to an all-over look without a lot of maintenance. My aunt went all silver when she was 70 or so and I swear, she looked 20 years younger and so, so chic. Now she dyes it blonde and it really ages her, although I would never tell her so!

  61. Loopy*

    I just found out the new season of Great British Bake Off is on Netflix!!! And on my cake baking weekend too. And the first episode is cake week! Wiiiiiin.

    For those who saw my post last weekend- I got the salted caramel sauce done (epic) and the salted caramel butter cream frosting done. The only issue is I *entirely* guessed at how much frosting I would need for a really well done three layer cake, with some piping….and only thought to Google it after.

    And that how I ended up with 4 quarts of frosting in my fridge. On to the cake tomorrow morning and decorating tomorrow night.

      1. Loopy*

        I was a little worried it would go to waste because I don’t know if I’m committed to also doing a ton of cupcakes. But then I learned you can freeze it. So now I’m definitely thrilled I’ll have a store of it.

    2. Red Reader*

      Haha, I have had that problem more than once. I don’t even try to make the frosting if I only have a couple dozen cupcakes – I am not physically capable of making a small enough batch of frosting. Plus I think the stuff expands. I made three pounds when I did my friend’s wedding cupcakes, 120 of them, and had 2.5 pounds left over. There is no way that 8 ounces of frosting iced 120 cupcakes.

      ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

      2. Loopy*

        I have a weirdly strong anxiety about running out of frosting. More so because usually I do some fun flavoring that adds a step/process, making it not as easy to throw together some more. Have you ever tried freezing it?

      1. Loopy*

        I am so confused on the season numbering but I’m wondering if it’s the same season? If not, that’s amazing that I can hopefully expect another to follow on Netflix fairly soon after it airs hopefully!

        1. Red Reader*

          It’s not, the PBS season still has Mel and Sue and I think was season 3 in the UK? The new Netflix season is one of the ones with Prue instead of Mary Berry.

    4. Becky*

      Between yesterday and today, I binged the entire new season. I quite like Prue (I was familiar with her from another show) and Sandi and Noel are fun.

      1. Loopy*

        I only had enough time to watch the first episode but I’m hoping Noel grows on me. I’m having a harder transition with the new hosts than I’d expect!!! (which is weird, I watch for the baking). I do like Prue though!

        1. Nye*

          Personally, I liked this season better than I thought I would, though I really miss Mary, Mel, and Sue. Over the course of the season I definitely thought Noel became quite endearing – I think maybe his is a personality you need to spend a little time with to appreciate?

          Anyway, enjoy! (I just started watching the second Channel 4 season thorough some internet magic.)

    5. Overeducated*

      I’m about finish the British Family Bake Off, so I’m glad there’s a new season to move into next! It’s definitely making me feel more excited about cooking…well, that or the fact that I am tired of sad chewy grocery store bread.

    6. Loopy*

      Update: oh dear, my cake baking has gone grossly awry. I have a mass of very disturbing looking bubbles clustered in the center of the cake as it’s baking. I believe I over-beat the batter. Some sites suggest I can cut off the wonky part and I may just suffer some air holes in my cake.

      But it really looks SO off putting. I am rather disturbed by my own (monstrous) cake.

      1. Loopy*

        Update to update: it’s definitely amateur hour over here (one cake is already cracked, oof). Annnnnnd one layer will be about half the thickness of the other two because I did not actually have enough batter for three layers.

        Because I want more cake in my cake, I’m leaning towards trying to incorporate it, despite the fact it wont be the perfectly proportioned three layer cake I was hoping for. Would a thin middle layer look best if one has to be thinner?

  62. Laura H.*

    I used Lyft today for the first time and I think it will be useful. The conversation was pleasant and both my to and from drivers were so helpful with getting me in the car and the walker too!!

    But I’m exhausted tho from my shift at the “Voldemort” today.

  63. Ask a Manager* Post author

    So I bought this live edge redwood burl to hang on the wall — it’s huge, about six feet across. It’s beautiful, but it’s way darker than I expected it to be. I bought it online and the photos were much, much lighter. I asked the guy who sold it to me, and he said when he oiled it, it got darker. It’s not returnable and it’s also too dark for where I’m hanging it — it’s like chocolate brown and the photos were more golden light brown. (Here’s the original photo before I bought it and here’s what it looks like now.)

    People who know about this kind of thing: Could I hire someone local to sand it down and re-oil it with a lighter oil to make it closer to the original color? Or is that not a thing that can be done?

    1. Triplestep*

      I would not think you sand it down could because oil penetrates – its not a surface application like paint on trim or polyurethane on wood floors.

      You didn’t ask, but in my opinion you should be able to return this regardless of what the return policy is – you did not get what you ordered. The seller is not even saying that the discrepancy has to do with your monitor settings (which is usually the risk of buying online.) He is telling you that he changed the item between your selecting it and your owning it.

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        Ugh, I know. He’s saying he showed me a bunch of photos of his finished work so I would know what I was getting, but none of the photos he showed me were this color. I’m trying to decide how much to push back. I feel bad because he does beautiful work and seems like a nice guy but I’m pretty sure it’s not reasonable to say I should have anticipated this.

        2. Foreign Octopus*

          Yeah, having looked at the pictures those are two wildly different colours.

          I agree with the others – try and get your money back.

        3. Triplestep*

          Oh, hell no! That would just make me want to double down on exchanging this.

          I had someone pull a “you should have known” after sending the wrong color of something I ordered online – apparently I should have known that the color was mislabeled on the web site. I ended up dropping it because it was pretty insignificant in the grand scheme of things (imprinted kipot for my daughter’s Bat Mitzvah.) This was ten years ago – I’m not losing sleep over it, but I still remember how aggravating it was. I did tell the guy that I would have to let others know – both online and in person – to steer clear of his business. This did not sway him, but I think having a good reputation online is more important to sellers these days.

        5. Dr. Anonymous*

          No, that’s bananas. It doesn’t even look like you can clearly see the beautifl grain you’re paying for. I might agree to a reasonable restocking fee in the end, but I wouldn’t make myself nuts looking for someone else that I could pay to fix his mess.

    2. acmx*

      I’d really try to get your money back. He completely changed what you purchased!

      If at the end, your stuck with that chocolate brown, I’d say try to sand it or shave it (as in cut it). I don’t think the oil will have penetrated all the way through.

      (on my phone the original looks more red than golden just FYI in case you do sand it might not be the color you expect)

    3. Aphrodite*

      I agree. Get your money back. File with your credit card’s issuer if necessary because that is not even close to what you ordered.

    4. Merci Dee*

      I don’t think it’s going to sand down back to the original color. But if you no longer want it for a wall hanging, and the vendor won’t take it back, then re-purpose it. Varnish, stick some legs on it, and turn it into a cool coffee table.

    5. Book Lover*

      Oh, dear, that’s a shame :(. The original looks much nicer, honestly. I think he sold you something and delivered something else – I would probably try to return it even if I lost the shipping charge, as I wouldn’t want to keep it. If you bought via PayPal, there may be options to dispute despite the return policy.

    6. Anonerson*

      I agree with the advice to pursue a refund – but if that’s unsuccessful, Merci Dee’s idea to convert it to a table is a good one.

      The thing is, this is an incredibly amateur error on the part of the seller. There are so many different oils, and all react with different woods in different ways – any professional woodworker should have tested the intended oil on a similar piece of wood or on a small area of the product before treating the entire surface. The final result should not be a surprise on that scale. Many will even bleach the wood prior to treating with oil to avoid this exact outcome.

      But in any event, regardless of the process, it’s highly deceptive to show a photo of the untreated wood as representative of what you’ll receive. At the very least, the seller should have alerted you to the fact that the wood was untreated and the appearance likely to change. A refund is not an unreasonable ask at all.

      To your question of whether it can be restored to its original shade, it depends on how deeply the oil has penetrated into the wood, how thick the slab of wood is, and the quality of the wood itself. If there are any wood craftsmen in your area, it might worth taking it to them for a consult/price estimate, but they’ll definitely need to see it to give you an idea of what your options are.

    7. Traffic_Spiral*

      ” I asked the guy who sold it to me, and he said when he oiled it, it got darker.” It sounds to me like after he took the first picture he changed the product by oiling it – I’d demand a refund. If I order a red shirt, but you send me a pink shirt, and go “yeah, it got lighter when I left it in a bucket of bleach,” then you haven’t given me what I ordered and I want a refund.

      Unless there’s some sort of “the whole point is the surprise” clause in the contract, I’d say that you haven’t received what you paid for, and should demand to return it. If you paid online, there’s a lot of ways to block that money.

    8. Penguin*

      If it weren’t oiled, I’d suggest having someone bleach the wood to a lighter color. I don’t know how effective a wood bleach would be with an oil finish though; none of my finishing books have anything to say about that combination, sadly.

    9. CAA*

      I think you need to talk to a craftsman who’s experienced in working with redwood burls. I don’t know what you have locally on the east coast, since redwood doesn’t grow there, but maybe there are some woodworkers who bring it in and work with it regularly. I would take both photos and see if they think that you could retrieve some of the original color by sawing off an inch or so (maybe it could be less) and finishing it in a different way. Redwood does darken naturally over time unless you coat it in something like polyurethane, but that photo looks almost like they stained it.

      As an aside, the guy who finished it took some wood off the back as well, because you have holes in the finished piece that don’t exist in the original photo.

    10. Give it time*

      Give it some time. It will lighten up a bit. You can sand it, but I’d give time a chance to do its work. Oil is oil- it’s not tinted, and since the wood is a natural product, it’s hard to predict what it’ll do. That’s a bit part of the appeal.

      Similarly, my favorite countertop material is soapstone. The lady at the stoneyard told me that there is no middle ground when it comes to soapstone. It’s either your thing or it isn’t. I feel like live-edge wood is the same way. Its unpredictability is its charm.

  64. Plant Lady*

    Looking for suggestions on how/when (or even if) to contact a distant relative about an asset/inheritance issue.

    Long story short: An elderly distant relative died this week, ending the last life interest in a home that was originally purchased by him, his mother and her husband (my grandfather). I won’t get into all the whys and wherefores, but the home now belongs to me and to a 2nd cousin of mine. I’ve never met this cousin and only met recently-deceased relative (2nd c’s uncle) once, about 30 years ago. This is my dad’s family, and saying that my dad was never close to them is an understatement.

    2nd c’s father contacted my parents to tell them about the death. However, after they got off the phone, my parents realized that they had no way of getting back in touch with 2nd c’s father, and they also realized that recently-deceased relative’s legal files were updated with my current contact info about 12 years and 3 moves ago.

    So, how do I address this? Find 2nd c’s address online and send a sympathy card with my current contact info? That’s probably the fastest approach, but it makes me a little uncomfortable and I’d rather not come off as a relative coming out of the woodwork sniffing around for an inheritance. Do I just wait for someone to contact my parents again and let them get my current info that way? Do I wait for whatever attorney’s office to track me down in the course of handling the estate?

    Additional info: To the best of anyone’s knowledge, recently deceased relative was not living in the house at the time of his death, and no one else is living there, either. 2nd c lives in another city (same state) and I live all the way across the country. There is also some weird emotional stuff connected to this whole deal – my dad and grandfather were always just sure that “they” (who “they” were varied through the years) were going to try and steal my share of the house from me when the time came. While I don’t honestly believe that’s true, now that it’s (partially) “my” house, I’ve got some weird feelings going on about the whole situation. Hence, my posting this question.

    1. Drama Llama*

      I think it’s fine to contact 2C about this issue. If they can’t contact you it might put them under more unnecessary stress.

    2. LilySparrow*

      I think the sympathy card is a nice way to go. Obviously don’t mention the house in the card, but you were contacted, so sending a card is a natural and gracious response.

      Do you have a copy (or access to a copy) of the life-interest document? The law firm that prepared it should have info on how it is being wound up, if they aren’t handling it themselves.
      An alternative would be to check with the probate court in the county where the property is located, and/or in the county where the decedent lived.

      If the recently-deceased relative had a will, the executor will have to publish notices when it is probated. Those notices will be local, but the probate is public record so you can inquire at the courthouse. Even if the property is not part of the current relative’s estate, it will get you in touch with the attorneys, who may be handling both the current estate and the trust (or whatever) that holds the property.

      It’s not necessarily quick, but if you don’t hear anything in a month or so, it might be worth making those inquiries.

    3. Jen Erik*

      I’d assume good intent. So, yes, I’d send a nice card & include a letter saying something like “I realised you might not have my current address and that you/the executor will need it for winding up the estate, so here are my contact details.”

      I can see your point that they might take it badly, but I’m the executor for my mum’s estate at the moment, and I think I’d take it as a kindness. (One less thing to think about.)

      You can’t predict how someone will feel/think, so I’d plump for doing the straightforward thing, and be business-like about it.

    4. Wishing You Well*

      Great advice above.
      I’d like to add: keep on this as needed until it’s settled. If you miss a deadline, you might get nothing. (Maybe you’re getting nothing anyway, but do try.)
      Also, a vacant house with no owner nearby is problematic. You need to find the executor and communicate with him/her and their lawyer. If you indeed have part-ownership in this house, try to get it sold. Get photos of the place now, before any more time passes. (Google Satellite, etc.) Being an absentee half-landowner often doesn’t work. You probably need a real estate lawyer yourself. They can advise you on how far to pursue this.
      Best of Luck. Sorry about the weirdness surrounding this.

  65. StudentA*

    How is that hookless shower curtains are not a major thing? Am I missing something? I saw one, bought it, and now I never want to deal with hooks again. Problem is, I need to replace mine, and they don’t have many styles to choose from.

    2. LilySparrow*

      I’m seeing a bunch online. Kohl’s, especially, seems to have a decent variety.

      I’m glad you mentioned it: I’ve seen those in hotels and liked them, but I couldn’t think what to call them.

    3. Ender*

      You mean where the bar itself goes through holes at the top of the curtain? They’re very common in Europe

    5. Triple Anon*

      I could see how the hole that the bar goes through could become a good environment for mold to grow in. If you have good ventilation in your bathroom, that wouldn’t be an issue. Or if you take colder, shorter showers. Or maybe if the fabric is treated in some way. But that could be why hooks are more popular.

  66. Junior Dev*

    Mental health thread! How are you doing? What are you struggling with? What are you proud of?

    I’m proud that I hiked 7 miles in 2 days with a new friend and we camped out and had a great time. We basically climbed up a mountain–it was a 3000 foot elevation gain.

    I am going to go be unconscious now.

    1. Millenial Lizard Person*

      Awesome hike! Congrats, and enjoy the view!

      I had a “how far I’ve come” moment recently. I struggled with depression & anxiety in college. At one point I had a meltdown because a housemate texted me “we need to have a house meeting & you need to be there because we need to talk about stuff you’re doing” right after I’d gotten to campus to study. The idea of looming bad news / someone had beef with me, but wasn’t going to say what it was, completely upset me to the point of sobbing for hours. I’ve since received treatment (CBT and medication) and am doing worlds better four years later.

      Recently a friend texted me that they had upsetting news to share. I didn’t see the text until after they usually go to bed, so they didn’t text me back until the next day. I was surprised how easily I was able to put it out of my mind– I ran through a few scenarios, trying to figure out what they meant in context, then decided I couldn’t do anything about it. I was able to focus on other things I needed to do that day. The news was indeed upsetting, but I handled the lead-up to it much better than I would have years ago.

    2. Mimmy*

      Another somewhat tough week with my emotions going awry at work – wrote down a lot of thoughts in the Friday thread (I know Not So New Reader wanted me to give a heads up when I post there – hopefully she sees this). Hopefully writing all that down will help.

      I love my counselor but I think I need a career/life coach instead–something that will actually help me sort everything out. With my current counselor, it’s mostly talk. She’ll ask me about my “self talk” and she tells me stories from her experiences to illustrate her perspectives. I feel like I need something more intense, but I don’t know what I’d call it.

      I think I’m starting to get panic attacks. Not huge like kind where you feel like you’re going to die, but they’re still unpleasant. Maybe “anxiety” attacks are a better term?

      Hopefully I’ll have more to be proud of this coming week.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I see ya, Mimmy.

        Panic attacks. Oh boy. I could write a book. For me two things worked.
        1) I practiced breathing exercises when I was calm. So when the panic hit I could more easily fall into the breathing exercise. Close your mouth, breathe in through your nose, nice and deep. You should feel your stomach area start to rise. Let the breath go slooowly, through pursed lips. Make the opening of your mouth really tiny, so the air goes out slowly. This forces oxygen into your blood stream, which is a good thing.
        Now in the middle of the panic, I never did the exercise that well. It does not matter how well we do it. Any attempt will give some level of benefit. The exercise does provide distraction, so even if I did it poorly it gave me something else to think about.

        2) This one is the most painful and it totally stopped my attacks. Look up. It so freakin’ hard. The panic makes us look down. And the idea of looking up can be earth shattering. So what I did was work my way to a safer spot, such as a chair or bench. if there was nothing available I would stand next to a wall or a pole. Then I would slowly lift my head and make myself look around. Let’s say I was in my kitchen. I would make myself identify the things around me. “There’s the stove. There’s the fridge. There’s the baker’s rack.” I would keep going around the room in an orderly manner until the panic subsided. The first three times I did it were not great. From the fourth time on, the panic just blew out of me. After that I would describe subsequent attacks as being tiny.
        I used to panic while driving. That was scary at 60 mph. But I did the same thing, “There’s a tree. There’s a dog in that yard. There’s a yellow house.”
        I know this exercise sounds really stupid, like it won’t work. Panic seems to be a disconnect of sorts. We become overwhelmed with all that is wrong and we lose our sense of present time? I am not sure how to describe it best other than to say it’s a disconnect. Looking around and identifying objects around us seems to help reconnect us to where we are and what we are doing.

        Vitamin E also was helpful for me. Vitamin E can help keep blood vessels open, so they don’t clench. This helps with the tightness that seems to come with the panic and make it worse somehow.

        Why does this stuff happen. I dunno. In my life, I found I could not deal with artificial sugars. After using them for decades, I could no longer use them. I quit drinking milk, that also lowered my attacks. Most recently I ditched gluten, which brought back some of my sense of balance. I had a very poor sense of balance when this all started.
        On the psychological side, I read that (sometimes not always, and with some people, not all people) women who had a poor relationship with their mothers can have panic attacks later in life. Boy did this nail it for me. So I decided that I needed to be a good mommy to me. I needed to make sure I took care of my own basic needs. This has been helpful also.

        I definitely got into using affirmations. Humorously, a half bake, half as$ed attempt will give us some benefit. I found I could say a positive statement with the most robotic, unimpassioned voice you can imagine and I got some level of relief. Put some good general affirmations on your bathroom mirror if you have to. Repeat them over and over as you brush your teeth, and get ready for your day.

        Will go over to the work thread right now and look for you.

        1. Mimmy*

          NSNR – If I ever met you in person, I’d give you a big hug. Your advice here and in my Friday post (and in the past) have been so incredibly helpful. I mentioned fear on Friday – that is definitely a theme in my life. Sometimes I’m able to break through it and go out of my comfort zone. Going to a conference by myself this past summer was one of the biggest confidence boosters I’ve ever had. I will read your replies over and over again.

          I also know that part of my struggles lately is probably due to poor health habits. I see my doctor on Thursday for a follow-up on a particular concern. Once I clear that hurdle, I really should start to look towards taking care of myself. Okay… I do say that every time and it never sticks because I LOVE MY TREATS!! (That’s what happens when you marry someone with equally bad–if not worse–health habits. Sigh). In the summer, it’s a little easier because you’re outside more, so you get relatively more exercise.

      2. nep*

        Sorry you’re struggling, Mimmy.
        Have you ever tried EFT (emotional freedom technique) tapping?
        I have found it to be quite effective. It won’t work for everyone, but might be worth checking into.
        (I hear you about wanting to sort things out, and there’s a lot to that–but it occurs to me to say, I think sometimes we put too much pressure on ourselves to have everything figured out. We just don’t. We can’t. One foot in front of the other, one day at a time.)
        All the best

  67. going anon y mous*

    Does anyone have any tips, advice or stories about getting a haircut you hated and waiting it out while it grows out? A week ago I stupidly got my hair cut into a pixie (before the cut my hair was the same length and thickness as Kate Middleton when she was leaving the hospital after having George. Now it’s the same length and style as Anne Hathaway at the Dark Knight Rises premiere). My hairdresser of many years refused to give me a pixie because she told me I would hate it and it wouldn’t suit me. I went to a different hair salon and paid way too much for the cut. There’s nothing wrong with the actual cut. It was done properly. I hate it because it doesn’t look good on me. I cried in the salon when I saw it. It isn’t their fault because they did exactly what I asked. I look so awful. I should have listened to my hairdresser and my friends and family who told me I should reconsider. Everyone is saying I look nice to make me feel better. My sister eventually admitted after I prodded her how bad it is. People are gasping when they see it. There’s nothing I can do to fix it. I went to see my regular hairdresser. She said for the next 9 months we won’t cut anything except the line at my neck so I don’t get a mullet. She will show me how to pin the rest of my hair with bobby pins as it grows. By Memorial Day it will be long enough to be an all one length bob. From there it will take about 18 months of growing with no cutting to get it back to the length I had it. Meaning I won’t have my hair back to how I want until Thanksgiving of 2019. I thought about a wig but it’s too hot here. Someone I know suggested dying it but my hair is pitch black. I can’t have crazy colors for work and my hair is so dark that any color at all means bleaching it which I want to avoid because it will wreck my hair due to the type. I am stuck waiting for it to grow out. I trust my hairdresser to see me through this. I feel stupid too because before this I never thought of myself as vain and I thought my self esteem wasn’t tied to my looks. I wear makeup once every year or 2 for a special occasion, I buy drugstore shampoo and I’m a jeans and t-shirts kind of person. I go to the hair salon to get the split ends trimmed and that’s it. I don’t want to make anyone feel bad or seem like I think I am above anyone who does more than me but I am just trying to show how I am for context. I have never struggled like this. I feel sick and I’ve cried. I have never hated how I looked before. Sorry for the long story. If anyone has any stories to share in my misery please share if you want to. Misery likes company as the saying goes.

    1. valentine*

      I don’t think it’s as awful as it feels. I just can’t picture someone looking as terrible as you *feel* due to just an unflattering haircut. I disagree that your hairdresser or anyone should be berating you. Maybe you feel this bad because they made such a big deal about it and you’re upset they seem right or even afraid that you let them down? They are possibly overinvested in you not changing. You get to try new stuff, including looks, and, sure, your hairdresser can warn you, but everything else is over the top. Think of someone you want good things for. If they got a haircut they hated, would you think they looked as bad as your sister said? (Red card to her, by the way; entirely hurtful and no help, whatsoever.) I don’t think it would change the way you saw them, that you might think x would look better, but y is not the end of the world. So. Can you treat yourself as though you were this person you want good things for? Do for yourself what you would do for them. What are some short-hair things you were going to do, that you have nearly a year to do now?

      1. Observer*

        No one is berating her, from what I can see. And Sis may have been wrong, but you can’t “prod” someone to tell you how bad you look (after they have told you that you look good, no less!) and then complain that they gave and in an told you it looks bad.

        As for the hairdresser, she seems to be trying to help Going to get to a better point with the least fuss possible.

    2. Wicked Witch of the West*

      It was a number of years ago, but…..

      I got my waist length, Alice In Wonderland, hair cut short *and* got a perm shortly before going to my high school reunion. Waiting for the perm to grow out was worse than waiting for the length to come back.

    3. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      While it may seem totally awful now, in three to six weeks it will be growing out beyond that harsh initial cut stage and in 8 weeks you will be well on your way, folks will have got used to it, and you can all laugh about the haircut error in the future. Thats the beauty of hair – it grows back! :) In the meantime, have you tried accepting and “owning” the hair? There is nothing you can do but wait, so you may as well be kind to yourself about the mistake and walk confidently, enjoy the short styling time in the morning, and then otherwise forget about what is going on top of your head.

    4. only acting normal*

      It will grow, a lot, fast. A pixie is hellacious to keep up if you want to keep it looking like that. Take it from someone lazy who loves their pixie cut, but really spends most of their time looking grown-out-scruffy, because they don’t go to the salon often enough.

      1. only acting normal*

        NB my hair is 3A/B curly. Fear not, straight hair looks a *lot less scruffy* as a pixie grows out.

      2. Courageous cat*

        Yeah, pixies grow like fucking weeds. And in my experience, they never looked very good right out of the salon – they looked better 2 weeks later with a little growth.

    5. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      I once dyed my long, naturally blonde hair black, then tried to bleach it back. After several different attempts to make it a normal-looking color it turned this horrible purpley brown shade and was completely wrecked, so I had to cut it super-short. It was awful. I felt ugly, people mistook me for a guy all the time, I couldn’t figure out how to style it at all. But I eventually figured something out and it grew back to mid-back length, and now I don’t even remember how long it took. When I look at some of my pictures from then I actually looked much cuter than I recall. You will survive, but a bad haircut can be really traumatic.

    6. Extra Vitamins*

      I dyed my hair black one time, with what was supposed to be temporary dye. I am kind of pale, and I thought I looked very ill, and then it DIDN’T WASH OUT. Cutting it short to get rid of the color sooner was OK (the roots were VERY noticeable), but I’d never had hair that short before and didn’t know what to do with it, as it suddenly curled up all over. As it grew through the bob-length stage, it went through a phase where it had this curled point that was the perfect length to swing forward and hit me in the eye, making contact lenses impractical. That was still better than the dye.

    7. mreasy*

      I am so sorry to hear this. I have had similar experiences and it feels terrible. For a pixie, I think that it could help the cut flatter more if you start wearing eye makeup. Not even a lot – maybe just try liner and mascara to start? Since a pixie focuses so much more attention on the face and eyes, making your eyes look bigger may improve the way the cut appears with your features. I am not a big makeup person either, but whenever I’ve gone short, I find that a little eye enhancement makes a huge difference.

    8. SpellingBee*

      Oh, I feel your pain! I actually look better with short hair rather than long so it’s not a bad haircut story per se, it’s like Wicked Witch’s bad perm story. So way back in the 80s I was trying to grow my hair out for a bit, just as a change. At that time it was super straight, so my hairdresser suggested a body wave perm to give it a little shape. I agreed, and *that* perm turned out great – just a little wave, it looked terrific. About 4 or 5 months later it had grown out quite a bit and we decided to do it again. As she was putting in the rods I thought that they looked different from the ones she’d used before, but we were chatting away as usual and I didn’t think that much of it and didn’t say anything. Well, when she took everything out I looked like Mrs. Poodlehead with tiny tight curls all over. As I stared at my reflection in obvious disbelief and horror, she apologized profusely, and admitted she had used smaller rods because she “thought it needed more zip.” For over a week after, I cried every time I looked in the mirror. It seemed to take forever to grow out! I was so happy the day the last of it was cut off.

      In an interesting follow-up, my hair is now naturally curly, although not as tightly curly as that perm was. Ever since the Perm Incident I had kept my hair in some variation of a very short pixie cut – easy, low maintenance and flattering to my face shape. When I retired a couple of years ago I decided to try growing it out for awhile, and to my surprise it grew in wavy/curly! I assume it’s some combination of menopause and going gray. I’ve recently abandoned the idea of longer hair (too much trouble and didn’t look that good on me) and have reverted yet again to a pixie, but longer on top so I can still enjoy my curls, which I now love. I did have to learn new ways to style and care for it though, especially with our humidity in the summer.

      So take heart – it’s hair, it will grow. You may even find a intermediate length during the process that you really like. Chalk this one up to experience and know that it’s a mistake you won’t make again.

    9. nep*

      Sorry you’re having a hard time.
      Bobby pins will become your best friend–amazing what you can do with them when you’ve got even a little bit of hair to grab.
      Do you wear headwraps at all? It might suit you–worth a try.
      It’ll get better.

    10. Ron McDon*

      Oh, you poor thing!

      I have had my share of disastrous haircuts (and one perm, never again!).

      It’s important to remember that you look very different at the moment, so that is probably promoting the gasps from people – not that it looks bad, just that they are shocked at the change.

      In a few days you will have got used to how your hair looks now, and it won’t look so strange to you.

      I agree that with a pixie haircut you need to wear make up – it focuses attention on your face much more than longer hair does, and make up balances your eyes and lips out better in my experience.

      In a few weeks it will have grown out a bit into a longer style. Don’t focus on getting your old hairstyle back, as much as finding a length between this hairstyle and your old one that you like. You might find that you love how your hair looks in a couple of months, and don’t want it so long as it was!

      Most of us who don’t keep our hair the same forever have at least one disastrous haircut in our history. It will grow quicker than you think, and it probably doesn’t look as bad as you think.

      Internet hugs if you want them x

    11. foolofgrace*

      I got my hair cut last week and it’s so short and I hate it hate it hate it. But it will grow out soon. You could try dying it a lighter shade. That would make it more “invisible.”

    12. LibbyG*

      Oh, what a distressing experience! My hair regrets have come from the times I tried to trim my own bangs.

      I just started wearing eye makeup most days because I feel like I look a little washed out as I age. I grabbed a Neutrogena neutral looking eyeshadow palette and it’s just the non-makeup makeup look I was hoping for. Maybe something like that would help.

    13. Crylo Ren*

      Aww, I’m so sorry! It’s so tough, hair is such a huge part of how one looks and when it isn’t great it can be such a huge hit. My sympathies.

      To share in your misery…not a haircut story, but yesterday I just got my eyebrows microshaded (basically tattooing new eyebrows on my face). I’ve wanted it for a long time but…I kind of hate them. They’re so dark and the shape is a little too mature for my face (the arches are so high! When I do them myself I usually draw them straighter). I feel like K.K. Slider from Animal Crossing :( but I need to wait and see what the final result will look like after all the scabbing, fingers crossed it’ll look much better and not so dramatic.

      1. Margery*

        I did the same thing – but had it cut real short and went from blonde to dark brown – I ended up looking like Dennis the Menace and was so upset. But it made me wear make up which was more flattering and made me look more modern – when my hair grew back it was in better condition than it had been in years.

        It’ll grow back – and that’s the good thing. I bet it’s not even as bad as you think .

    14. LilySparrow*

      I don’t think it’s necessarily about vanity, as much as about recognizing yourself. A huge change like that can be really disorienting, especially when other people are acting shocked. I almost always hate my hair after a salon visit. Like, I can think of two, maybe three times I left a salon happy, ever. I’ve never cried, but I’m almost always disappointed because I don’t look anything like what I expected or hoped. I think I have some kind of mild dysmorphia where I just can’t accurately visualize what things will look like, and the reality is so very jarring.

      I’m a generally low-maintenance person, but I do start feeling down if my hair looks bedraggled. I like my hair short, but I have gone through several awkward grow-outs.

      Scarves, headbands, and accessories are your friends. Also playing with which side you part it, or how far off-center, or fluffing up the crown vs the sides, and so forth.

      A couple of pairs of inexpensive, but high-impact earrings can really change your look, too.

      I hope you can soon start moving away from the surprise and “buyer’s remorse,” and into the experimentation/challenge phase very soon.

    15. Earthwalker*

      I told a hairdresser I wanted an easy-care cut because I didn’t have time to spend an hour on it in the morning. “I spend an hour on mine!” he growled, and I came out with a crew cut. (Never let an angry hairdresser near your hair!) I bought an interesting hat. A friend asked about it and asked to see my haircut. “It can’t be that bad,” he said, and then I took my hat off and he said, “um…you do look a little like you had a run-in with a lawn mower.” But it wasn’t all that long before it grew out enough that someone saner could clean it up a bit and make it short but not ugly-short.

    16. aarti*

      I’m late to this but wanted to share my experience. I shaved my head a year ago. When it reached the shaggy pixie stage around May/June the stylist recommeded that I don’t trim the back part “embrace the mullet” was her exact quote. My hair has a light wave so I don’t think it looks like a mullet at all actually.

      The best part is because I’ve let the back grow, I can pull it into a small ponytail and Bobby pin the front pieces where they are still to short. It makes my hair seem longer, which makes me happy!

  68. Anon Today*

    It’s been a rough week. A member of my husband’s extended family broke the law while doing one of those internet challenges. The parents are devastated. Even though it is a first ever offense they will be going to prison. The lawyer said there is no point in going for no prison and is just asking for much less than the prosecutor. The parents went for a second opinion and were told the exact same thing. We want to be there for support except we are living in Europe right now because of my husband’s job.

    I am allowed to work here now and I had a part-time. I was laid off this week. My best friend here miscarried and ended up in the hospital. She will live but she and her husband are devastated. It’s been a terrible week. My husband said bad things come in 3s so we are clear now. I hope so because we have been through the ringer enough.

    1. Julia*

      That sounds so rough! I’m really sorry, and I hope that your rain will lift and give you a rainbow soon.

    2. Amelia*

      Oh my gosh, that sounds really awful. I’m so sorry your friends and relatives–and you–are having such a horrible week!

    3. Traffic_Spiral*

      Wait, what? What kind of internet challenge gets you jailed? “Rob a Bank then reblog this post for good luck?”

      1. kc89*

        I was thinking of the one where you jump out of a moving car and film yourself dancing next to the car while it’s still moving with no driver, but I don’t think that would get jail unless someone got hurt?

        1. wingmaster*

          I was also thinking the #InMyFeelings challenge. I’m in the US, but I’ve read in other countries, you can get a huge fine/consequence for doing it.

          1. Courageous cat*

            From a quick Google, the InMyFeelings challenge is a dance – why would you get a fine for doing it?

    4. Wishing You Well*

      I am so sorry and I hope you are in the clear for a very long time.

      I was reminded by a relative once that I still had some very bad thing coming because I had only 2 bad things happen. Nice.

  69. Anon Artist*

    Regular commenter going anon for this. I’m an artist. I do a lot of different creative things. I don’t have time for a social life. Almost everyone I know, I met through art or music or something.

    I was kind of low profile on social media for a while, but I decided to use it more and to be more open about my life and it’s ups and downs. I want people to see what kind of person I am so they’ll understand my art in the right context. Otherwise, I’ve found, people tend to guess, and it’s not always accurate, which can skew how your art comes across.

    It’s been a success so far, but a few days ago, I posted something super personal. It was about my lifelong struggle with family problems, surviving abuse that was hate-based, how I got through it, and how it’s been on-going to an extent. It was so personal, I decided I needed to take a few days off before reading the comments. So I’m doing that now. I’m reflecting on the whole thing. And I have really mixed feelings about it. I feel like the aggressor for talking about real things that happened to me. I feel like I’m the one lashing out at my family, and hurting them. But really, I’m just holding them accountable for their actions. I feel a mix of relief and regret, and dread about dealing with any misunderstandings that could result from it all.

    In my experience, people who don’t come from dysfunctional families don’t always get this stuff, and there can be some denial or just extreme misunderstanding. So I’m getting ready to deal with that.

    I don’t know when I’ll go online and deal with it. I’m expecting it not to be fun. On the other hand, I’m mostly glad I wrote what I did and started to tell my story. It’s important because I’m not the only one, and talking about it could help others who have gone through similar things.

    But the guilt. Is that a normal survivor thing? You feel like if you publicly talk about what happened, you’re hurting someone (the perpetrator)? It’s not rational, but there’s that desire to just let them get on with their life – any kind of response feels like another act of violence. Or maybe I just have a warped way of looking at things because I was raised to take abuse and stay quiet about it.

    Anyway, so that’s what’s on my mind this weekend. Making slow and steady progress towards something.

    PS – I thought about whether this was more work or non-work. I don’t earn much income from my art right now, so I think it’s a non-work topic. I have other jobs to pay the bills.

    1. Nobody Special*

      I am a member of a 12 step group whose members often struggle with similar issues. Naming this stuff can make you intensely vulnerable and that can be a trigger so I find a safe community with rules helps. Just a suggestion. (There are a few such groups that I know of… That are not focused on a specific substance or behavior.

      1. Wishing You Well*

        I second the idea of a SAFE community with rules. Online therapy wouldn’t be my first choice because meaning and tone are lost (oh, so lost) in the written word. A sentence can be interpreted several ways, depending on the reader.
        If you possibly can, please try an in-person therapist. It’s hard work, but probably the best way to resolve personal issues. There are low-cost/no-cost therapists. Good therapists will prepare you for “going public”. Therapists can help keep you emotionally safe. Therapists are educated and qualified to help; the general public isn’t. (I’m not a therapist, by the way.)
        If you do go online, I like the idea of having SOMEONE ELSE read the comments and delete the bad ones.
        Best of Luck in whatever you decide.

    2. ..Kat..*

      What you are feeling and going through are quite common for someone who has been through what you have. I have found much help on Captain Awkward blog.

      Good to you for moving forward! It is not easy, but worth it in the long run.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      I have talked some about my mother here. There is that sense of “talking out of turn” and that can come from many sources, I think. With my mother, looks were important. By that I mean, how others perceived her. So this meant that anything even slightly negative was unacceptable to say. She created this little jail cell where she could do whatever she wanted and I could not tell anyone that she was less than perfect. When I first started talking about this, I thought the sky would fall because it had been drilled into me that perceptions were a priority. And I had violated that rule.

      Abusers like to create an environment where things cannot be discussed. That is part of how they retain their control.
      I do think that who we talk about these things with does matter. Some people are just not equipped, for whatever reason, to handle the conversation. I said to my mother’s sisters that something was wrong with my mother. This is after more than a decade of her antics. My mother’s sisters told me I needed a shrink to deal with my compulsive lying. These were two people NOT equipped to have this conversation. I found that out too late.

      So I turned the tables, because counseling was actually good advice anyway, I said, “If I go for counseling will you help me with my mother?” There was silence, probably they could not believe what I just said. Then they said yes, they would help. And they did. In the ways they understood how to help.

      Which brings me to another point that is good to consider, people help in the ways they understand how to help. A grin and bear it person is going to say, “grin and bear it”. A person with no experience, even second hand experience, is going to say, “I don’t know what you should do.” It’s a good idea to look at the individual we are talking with.

      In the end, my mother’s situation blew up in a spectacular manner with over a quarter million dollars in out of pocket medical for her. Today that would be like 400 k or more. I got labeled as confrontational. And I decided that was preferable to being labeled an ostrich with the head in the sand. Yeah, confronting it change the course of my life.
      Watch for people who give a “thinking person’s reply” to you. Those are your go-to people. The others can’t help or can’t make a positive contribution.

      1. Anon Artist*

        Yeah. I’ve been talking to people one on one about this my whole life. I’ve seen the range of responses. And part of the issue is that people can – intentionally or by mistake – misrepresent what you told them. I’ve decided it’s time for me to just live my life more publicly – tell 800 people at once instead of just one person. It’s actually safer in a way, but there is more to manage in the moment. So I’m pacing myself.

        A couple of years ago, I wrote something similar about scam artists in my field. But because my audience was misinformed about me at the time, they read it differently than I had intended and thought I was talking about being sexually assaulted at an event as a spectator. People thought I was younger and that I wasn’t an artist myself because I was so low profile online. The comments were upsetting. I got some support from people who, I think, did know what I was talking about, but there was a lot of misunderstanding and condescension, and even some trolling. So I took that as a cue to change my social media tactics and be more clear about who I am and what I do. (Ironically, I had been low profile because of the family problems, but that’s another story.)

        Anyway, I have people I can talk to, to some extent. It’s just the going public thing, which had to happen eventually. My whole life, they’ve been lying about me in order to cover this up, so I had to defend myself at some point. But the main point is to make it clear what my art is about and to connect with people who have dealt with similar or analogous things. In other words, to address the underlying issues that affect a lot of us.

    4. FD*

      I’m sorry this happened to you! I hope it feels a bit helpful to have put it out there.

      Just to put this out there, it sounds like you’re sort of dreading seeing people’s reactions. If a friend asked me to, I’d be happy to log into their Facebook and clean out a**hole comments so they didn’t have to read them. I’d be happy to either delete/block without comment or to give them a sanitized abstract, or to sit with them while they dealt with them. If you have a close friend who’s already in the know, and if you WANT help dealing with that side, perhaps that would help the dread not be so bad?

      1. Anon Artist*

        That’s a great idea! I don’t know if I can swing it right now, but it’s a good perspective to put on it.

        So, I’m kind of known in my community. A lot of people know my work. But they don’t know that a lot of it is about dealing with certain kinds of abusive situations during childhood, and the broader relevance of all of that. By making this clear, I expect to ruffle some feathers. I mean, I think a lot of people will be supportive, but there will also be the, “Never say anything bad about your family,” crowd, who will probably show up in various forms. So, yes, the comments are what I’m dreading. And I think a lot of people will act more distant for a while because it seems like a lot of problems, and stuff that’s either hard to relate to or triggering because they can relate. So I’m accepting that.

        But then I keep thinking about the things about my family that I appreciate. It’s so tough with family things. How do you explain, “This person taught me cool things and took me on cool trips but also did things that were awful and illegal,” in a way that shows that you appreciate the good and condemn the bad? It’s hard to communicate because people tend to get very black and white about things. That’s one thing I’m struggling with.

        And I know people are going to unfriend / unfollow me over this. It was a very personally revealing and probably controversial thing to write about. But it was genuine, and I think art is about being open with people and taking those kinds of risks.

        1. FD*

          Ah, I see–so it’s not only the reactions of family members on Facebook you’re dreading, it’s also the reaction of people who know you professionally. I can see why that would make it even harder, and would also make it harder for others to help moderate that.

          I don’t have any answers, but I hope you find support in places where you weren’t expecting it and that more people than you think are kind and understanding.

          1. Anon Artist*

            Yes! I’m not connected to any family members there. It’s only people I know through my creative community.

    5. Anon Artist*

      I’m happy to report that people are being very nice about all of this. There was no negativity at all. Instead, people seemed to really appreciate how much I opened up. So it was a good thing. Just a bit scary for a little while!

  70. Nobody Special*

    Terribly sorry. Sometimes it can be hard to have that much hurt and be there (figuratively/emotionally) for friends in need. Hope you can tap into the great ocean of love at the heart of our humanity and hang on for dear life. Thinking of all who grieve today with compassion.

    1. Nobody Special*

      Sorry this comment was meant for anon today not anon artist… I’m new to this. But anyone who wants to can have it.

  71. Anonymous Educator*

    Movie rec for this week: Searching. Amazing thriller (not a horror movie, despite the way the preview looks)!

  72. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

    Any suggestions for some online photography learning resources?

    I have a bit of knowledge and took a class years ago, but since then I’ve become just a point-and-shoot casual photographer and I’ve forgotten everything I used to know about f-stops and apertures and all that jazz. I’m more interested in developing technical skills for taking scientific photos (i.e. documenting archaeological finds) than doing fancy landscapes or portraits. There’s a class being offered through the Open University but it might be more focused on people wanting to up their instagram game.

    I have various cameras at my disposal (phone, older DSLR, point-and-shoot digital, 35mm film) so that’s not a problem.

  73. heckofabecca*

    I need to build a budget for the rest of the year since I’m working towards the end of what I’ve got in my bank account (and will have to pull money from stock savings in January). What’s a good web/app client for budgeting? I’ve seen recommendations for Mint, but what do you all think? (I use apple computer/phone.)

    Thanks!

    1. LizB*

      I used Mint for a while but got really frustrated at how inflexible it was — it would send me tons of warnings or alerts about any unexpected expense or inflow, but there was no way to move money around if my priorities shifted or something weird came up. Maybe it’s changed now, but I stopped using it several years ago. I’m now using You Need A Budget (YNAB), which costs money but does everything I want in terms of being flexible, easy to understand, easy to use, etc.

      1. Annie Moose*

        I just started using YNAB this week and I am LOVING it. It’s exactly what I want in a budget app!!

        They have free webinars to show you how to use the software, and I found those super useful because at first I didn’t understand how to use their system at all.

  74. How guilty should I feel?*

    My in laws are a 4.5 hour flight away. When we had one kid (now 4) we visited a few times or year. We have been twice since our second (2) was born, we went twice. We just had our third kid and my in laws are upset we haven’t come to visit. Relevant facts:
    – MIL has flown up to visit a few times in the past 18 months. FIL is perfectly capable of, by does not like to, travel or fly.
    – my 2 year old is impossible. Has been since about 10 months. A trip inlciling the airport, 4.5 hours contained, a new place to sleep, etc is pretty much the most unpleasant thing I can imagine. she’s ok on short flights but with 3 other kids to wrangle, she makes family travel really challenging. Oh, and she’s potty training.
    – finances are not an issue for anyone.
    – DH thinks in theory it would “probably be good to get down there” but has put no effort or energy at all into the process. He also says he doesn’t have time to take off work (meaning, he’s too busy not that he doesn’t have the days), and there is no way in the world I’m taking all 3 kids alone.

    Thoughts? Do I just book things and blow money on things that add to convenience? Tell DH to encourage his parents to come visit and we may make it down there sometime over the next 18 months but we’re not committing? Suck it up and plan this myself?

    It’s so hard because if I’m going to spend the mental energy and money to do a trip, it’d be for a week long vacation. Spending a week at the IL’s is a LOT but by the time we get there it seems like it’d be dumb to stay less than 4 days.

    FWIW, my parents are a 3 hour drive away. We see them maybe every month or two but almost always they come to us. The exception is that this summer we stayed with my dad for a week because he lives on the beach and has 2 spare bedrooms.

    1. Enough*

      No guilt. I have 3 kids spaced far enough apart that we didn’t have what you’re dealing with but it did mean almost constant commitments to some child’s activity for over 20 years.

    2. Lcsa99*

      Your in laws are being a little ridiculous. If they want to see the grandkids, they need to make more of an effort, rather than expecting you to travel that far with that many kids.

      My in laws hate (and I mean HATE) to fly, but they travel from NY to both California and freaking Peru at least twice a year (each) so they can see their grandkids. They feel that expecting 4 people to travel rather than just two makes no sense, and they don’t have jobs to tie them down.

      That said, I am not sure you can convince your in laws of anything. Some people just have a hard time understanding how hard it would be for you to travel. I think that the only thing you can do is keep telling them how welcome they would be and maybe have the kids ask grandma and grandpa when they are coming to visit when they talk on the phone.

    3. Ender*

      They are your DHs family so it’s onhim to organise. Tell him you are happy to go anytime but he has to be the one to organise it. Then any time your MIL starts, tell her that you’ve told DH to organise it and she needs to talk to him.

      Then step back and just keep telling both of them that it’s on DH to organise any time they ask.

    4. Ciara Amberlie*

      I don’t think this is your problem to fix. If your in-laws want to see more of their grandchildren then the order of “needing to do something about it” goes: in-laws > your husband (they’re his parents!) > you. Let your in-laws and your husband work it out and don’t let them make you feel guilty for not fixing their problem! I do realise that this is easier said than done, but it’s something to aim for.

      1. Lehigh*

        This. Honestly, if they were *my* parents I’d probably insist they come to us since traveling with three small children to see people who are perfectly capable of traveling themselves is just ridiculous.

        But they’re his parents, so let him have that discussion.

    6. Ms Cappuccino*

      No guilt at all. It’s more your husband’s responsability than yours to organise visits since it is HIS parents.
      It’s also your FIL’s responsability to come if he’s able to.
      I wouldn’t fly 4.5 hours with 3 small children, especially if they were just in laws.

      1. How guilty should I feel?*

        Oh, and to add to their we have to bring 3 car seats (!!!). Whether we rent or use ILs second car, we take up a full car and all the littles need car seats. Like, for a beach vacation this is do able but I’m going to have my butt in a beach chair all week after. (And beach flights aren’t 4.5 hours)

    7. How guilty should I feel?*

      Phew, you’re making me feel better. I should also add that they are both retired and have literally nothing else to do. I totally get that FIL prefers not to fly now (he’s a spry 78 but very get-off-my-lawn-y these days), but he can. He just doesn’t want to deal with it. I think my MIL wants us to come so FIL can meet the new one- they were both planning to come up when our last was born but FIL decided not to.

      I really don’t even mind doing the duty of visiting ILs, but DH isn’t planning it or dealing with it so I’m staring to feel guilt by proxy (if it were my parents I’d have been pushing for it- or telling them no.)

      1. UtOh!*

        Well, if DH is not worrying about, neither should you. They are his parents so why should figuring out how they are going to see your kids your problem? If they really wanted to see the kids, they would make it a priority, which they have not. Don’t put expectations on yourself and ignore those who do.

      2. WellRed*

        Please save yourself the hassle. You have 3 small children. Make people come to you. Like, for the next several years ; )

      3. Observer*

        Why should you be feeling guilt? If he’s serious, he needs to start working on fixing the problem. If he doesn’t care, then that’s on him.

        In the meantime, suggest video calling to them.

    8. Observer*

      With 3 kids under 4, you do NOT travel by yourself, even if you can afford 1st class etc. It’s just totally not practical. Even if all of them were perfect angels.

      Tell your husband that if he is serious about traveling to them, he needs to commit to making the time to take off, and THEN you can start to figure out if it’s doable. It’s just not doable without him.

      As for the ILs? If your husband recognizes that the situation is impossible you just tell them it’s not doable. Don’t argue and do NOT get into the issue with your toddler – that’s really not the biggest issue here, and why make the kid the scapegoat for unrealistic expectations? If your husband continues to be “well, we really should get down there”, tell your IL’s that *considering* the trip is totally up to your husband, and hand him the phone to explain why he can’t commit to traveling.

      In any case, don’t “suck it up” and travel yourself. It’s not fair to you – and more, it’s not fair to your kids.

      PS I’m a bit taken aback about how you describe your 2yo. I get that she’s difficult, and I get how hard that can be. But you seem to have some unrealistic ideas about her behavior. Even if the kid were on the “best behaved” side of normal 2yo and not potty training, this would be an impossible trip for one adult. The normal behavior of a 2yo us NOT designed for long airplane trips. Given that you have two other kids who literally need free hands (and I’m assuming you don’t have additional hands to spare…) it’s ridiculous to even consider it.

      1. Margery*

        It’s up to your in-laws to come to you – you have 3 kids so you need your home comforts for the kits, toys, potty training equipment, food they like to eat – routine they are in etc etc.

        If you have got lots of money you could offer to help out with their travel costs – but really it’s up to them to come. If they were that bothered, and they are retired – maybe they could move closer to you?

        1. How guilty should I feel?*

          They don’t need-and would never take- our money. They’ve actually offered to pay *our* travel costs- but this is not a money thing. It is a time and effort/energy thing. I suppose we could hire a sitter to come with us so we were 1:1, upgrade to the roomiest class and buy all new kid stuff sinwr don’t have to schlep it- all totally unreasonable of course but my point is that money can’t buy “stop my kids from being miserable.” :-)

      2. How guilty should I feel?*

        I mean my 2 y/o is on the “death wish and ear piercing tantrums” side of the 2 y/o spectrum. I’m very familiar with 2 y/os.

        Last time, I flew to them solo bc my second was 13 months and hadn’t met her grandfather or (now deceased) great grandmother and DH couldn’t get the time off. I just barely made it and the kids were really, really good. But one got motion sick and barfed 45 min from landing (fun!) and the other cried to be let out of her seat for the last 30.

    9. Temperance*

      Staying with the in-laws is not a vacation. Traveling with 3 kids under age 4 by yourself is not a vacation. Your ILs are presumably retired and able-bodied. They can come to you.

      1. How guilty should I feel?*

        Not really- though maybe we can schedule that for the future. it wouldn’t be practical for DH to stay home with the older two, and if DH takes the baby, I’m still nursing (baby is only 3 months). Maybe once the baby is a bit older DH can do a solo trip but dragging a 3-5 month old across the country without mom seems unfair to everyone (except me! I’d have a mini vacay!). Hmmm.. I could easily jump on a plane with the baby and do a quick 2 day trip if they really desperately want her to meet FIL. It’s weird- FIL doesn’t really care. He’s said as much. We face time all the time and he loves it bc “all the interaction but none of the travel.” MIL wanted to meet the baby so she flew up. It’s that MIL wants FIL to meet the baby. But this seems to be a whole lot of hassle for someone who doesn’t seem to care one way or the other.

    11. Bagpuss*

      A bit late, but just chiming in to say don’t feel guilty. You are being reasonable to not put yourself and the children through the stress of travelling. Your in laws can come visit, or your husband can take the children and work out how to make it work, or HE can suggest that he takes a few days off work to look after the older 2, and you make a flying visit with the baby.

      Use face time, and if MIL brings it up, just repeat “It’s not possible for us to visit, the flights are too much the children. If that changes, we’ll let you know, meanwhile, you are very welcome to come visit, by yourself or with FIL”

  75. Anonymous Ampersand*

    So I’m much better this week.

    I read Nice Girls Don’t Get The Corner Office and agreed with about 2/3 and was highly annoyed by the remaining third, but somehow it switched my brain and I’m suddenly feeling like movement and change are possible. Feeling like I can stop people-pleasing at least a bit.

    Back to work with my promotion this week. Nervous but excited.

    My house is still a mess but it’s improving….. slowly. There are so many things to do but they’ll get done in the end.

    The child has stopped complaining about missing his dad (or a bit less anyway) (or it’s not bothering me so much anyway). Now he’s complaining that I won’t let him watch minecraft videos on YouTube 24-7. I’m ok with not giving in on this one!

    Thanks everyone for the support last week.

    1. Belle di Vedremo*

      Good to hear that things are better this week, and that you’re seeing some of the fruits of your efforts in finding freedom and possibility.

  76. friends with partners*

    I have a good friend and I don’t like her partner so much. He’s a good person and they love each other so there are no issues there but when we are together, they act so much like a couple, I feel invisible and wonder what’s the point of us 3 having dinner for example; for example, going back and forth about stuff they have to do at home. Like some of it is normal but at lenght. They’ve been together for a while so it’s not that it’s their “honeymoon” period. Any suggestions on how to mitigate that?

    1. nep*

      I guess I would say don’t go out just the three of you anymore–either with another friend, or just you and your friend alone. Could that work?

      1. friends with partners*

        Yes, I try to do most of my socializing with her alone but sometimes she really wants to include him and she doesn’t ask me if it’s OK, and I don’t feel I can always speak up and say I just want to catch up with her.

        1. Lehigh*

          Can you try to talk to her about it at another time? I can see how it would be super uncomfortable to address in a specific instance (especially if he’s already there!) but if you mention–like you did here–that it’s nothing about him, you just feel a little fifth-wheel-y and would like some one-on-one time with her, I’d think she’d be able to hear that. It’s not as difficult to receive as the “I don’t like your partner” conversation.

          It still might not happen as much as you would like, but hopefully it will help.

          1. Lehigh*

            I mean another time like a designated conversation when you’re both relaxed, not an event that she’s just dragged him to against your wishes.

    2. Triple Anon*

      I would let her know what’s up, either directly or indirectly. Just say something about it or make a joke about it or give them funny looks when it’s happening. Whatever seems to fit. And if that doesn’t work, stop hanging out with them together. Then they’ll know it’s because they’re being weird and they can choose to act differently or not.

    3. gecko*

      Think of a new conversation topic–a movie, or a transition off of what they’re saying. Then change the topic.

      I’m not being facetious; they’re behaving badly, but I suspect it’s because there’s a pause in the conversation and one or both of them can’t think of what to say next, so they fall back to a conversation they CAN have…it just doesn’t include you, because they find talking to each other the easiest option at that moment. It’s rude but I think it’s born out of lack of a particular social skill rather than a lack of caring.

      If you’re feeling fairly good and it’s just annoying you a bit, you can try a transition with a joke…”Well, I volunteer to mow the lawn :) ” or “Ah yes, making a big batch of taco meat on Sunday? I’ll take half a pound!” And then “Anyway, let me tell you about what happened when my brother went to see Hamilton!”

      If you’re not feeling fairly good, joking around is likely to come off very passive-aggressively–then you can try something more like, “You guys, I love you, I do not want to hear about who’s gonna vacuum tomorrow. How was that movie you said you saw?”

      If it’s making you really upset, I’d recommend bearing it out until the end of the meal, and then talking to your friend about it later. “I’m sorry I didn’t bring it up until now, but it bums me out when we’re all eating together and you and your partner are doing so much household talk that I’m not able to be in the conversation. If I try and change the subject when it starts to happen, can you try to make sure it doesn’t happen as much?”

  77. Agnes*

    Don’t know if this counts as work or not – does anyone know a place where you can volunteer to do data analysis or other data-type work for nonprofits? I’ve heard taproot mentioned, but they mostly want web design or business strategy.

    1. Laura H.*

      Aside from maybe going directly to the non-profit and offering/ asking, I’m not sure… but that goes for anything to offer, not solely data analysis so ymmv…

    2. Ali G*

      My county government has a list of volunteer opportunities. A lot of them are with the county, but some are with private NPs too.
      Also on Taproot you can “offer” your services, so you are not limited to the ones that post with opportunities.

    4. Earthwalker*

      Our local Fish and Game office has a volunteer working on data analysis to see what works and what doesn’t in terms of habitat restoration. If that fits your interest, you might ask your local Fish and Game or BLM folks.

  78. Ali G*

    If anyone is around I would appreciate some advice on how to support a friend. My BFF texted me last night asking if she could come over. She and her husband had a big fight and she needed to get out. We live a block away so it wasn’t long before she was at my door. Turns out she’s been doing all the work with the kids (they have 2 – ages 4 and 2), cooking, cleaning, making the bulk of their annual income, balancing work travel, etc. while her husband is basically like “I hate my job so I’m not capable of helping.” Obviously I am condensing this and I only have her side of the story, but that’s not what really matters.
    The problem I am having, is that while I am married, my husband and I have chosen to not have kids. I know I can’t possibly relate to what she is going through since I am not currently working full time and don’t have kids, and have a mostly helpful husband who shares the chores with me.
    I mostly listened to her last night and gave basic advice that they need to talk to each other when they are not in the moment and tell each other what they need. Really she just needed to get away for an hour and vent, and I am happy to be there for her to do that.
    What else can I reasonably do? I checked in with her this morning, and she still seemed like they were at odds.

    1. Paging the Captain!*

      I think you’ll find a lot of material relevant to her situation (married to a man child) and your’s (supporting a friend in tough times) at http://www.captainawkward.com

      I know it helped me tremendously when I was in a relationship with that guy.

    2. WellRed*

      I honestly think what you did was perfect. She needed to get out of the house and away from hubs and just vent to someone willing to listen. It doesn’t matter if your circumstances are entirely different. Just continue to be willing to lend an ear for now.

      1. Ender*

        Yeah – she’s not an idiot, she is aware of the situation and she has obviously decided to stay in it for now. Other than listening to her and commiserating and agreeing with her that she is in the right, there’s not much else you can do. You can’t run people’s lives for them, tempting though it is sometimes!

    3. Lizabeth*

      Suggest a marriage counselor for her to go to, even if by herself if hubby declines? There’s a limited amount you can do for her; she has to do the heavy lifting and figure out what she wants going forward. You can ask around for recommendations for her.

      Hubby declines to help around the house? Suggest using hubby’s income to pay for someone to come in to clean the house at the very least. Sign up for grocery delivery.

    4. LilySparrow*

      If you’re able to babysit, offering to do so while she goes to counseling appointments or takes time for self-care would be a very practical way to support her.

      Or offering to bring over dinner & hang out once in a while, especially if she’s just back from a work trip. Dinner that you didn’t have to cook, but also where you don’t have to wrangle kids in a restaurant, is a huge relief sometimes. If all 4 of you get along, it can be a nice pattern-interrupt for each of them to have another adult to talk to after the kids go to bed.

  79. MAnon*

    I’ve been given an incredible gift but the sheer enormity of it is paralyzing – I have a professional coming to assemble shelving and furniture and to organize and finish the unpack of my entire house, but they’re only available for a week and I’m responsible for the budget and deciding where everything goes beforehand to make sure we actually finish in their allotted time frame. It’s also happening this month, so I need to make decisions quickly.

    Can anyone recommend (inexpensive) design software or a website to start with? I tried but Pinterest feels like a wormhole for me.

    Do you have a closet organizer or a store you really like or website for this sort of project? IKEA has been expressly forbidden for time and quality reasons. It’s a large home and a lot of furniture can probably be repurposed, but we desperately need sturdy, wall mount bookshelves, 2 home offices, and a playroom solution that doesn’t make me crazy, along with standard problems like where is the right place for the couch.

    I think an interior decorator would be the ideal, but it’s not in my budget (hence the gift). I’m cleaning out as much as possible prior, and I feel like there will be more mental space to get that done once I’ve made some decisions. I’m type A and categorize things in that thing we don’t speak of on weekends, but this is just not coming naturally.

    1. Enough*

      I used Container Store for a closet and my daughter’s desk area. Similar type available at Home Depot or Lowe’s for closets. Like being able to adjust shelving to fit my needs especially once my daughter finally finishes school and moves out completely.

    2. It happens*

      What a great gift! I’ve looked unsuccessfully for a software solution to room planning for years. In the end, the effort (no matter the tool) is measuring the rooms accurately, including windows, doors, funny jut out pieces, and the like. So go old school- take the measurements and put them on graph paper, measure your furniture and cut them out, too, and then play paper dolls. And keep them-because the room measurements aren’t going to change as long as you’re in the house (unless you change them.)
      I agree with the container store for the offices (the Elfa system even has wall-mount desks) and playroom. I’d also recommend IKEA for playroom furnishings like tables, chairs and rugs- kids are hard on stuff and grow so quickly (which would seem to be an exception to the no ikea rule.)
      Good luck- it can seem overwhelming but will be so satisfying once it’s done

    3. CAA*

      I will third the Container store for the closets and playroom. Elfa is amazing, and the quality is excellent. Go there and meet with a designer and they will help you figure out what you need. I installed all of our Elfa closets myself after pulling out the super cheap system the previous owners had put in, so it’s not even very difficult if you happen to run out of money or time and have to finish on your own. It’s also easy to move components around, so if you need shelves in half your guest room closet now because it’s a storage/craft room and then you have someone move in with you, it’s super easy to take off the shelf brackets and put in a hanging rod instead — no tools required to rearrange things after the initial installation. This might also free you from the “what if I do it wrong” paralysis that sometimes attacks me and sounds like it might be getting to you. If it turns out to be wrong after you live with it a while, you just rearrange it later. They will definitely be able to solve your playroom problem too.

      For wall shelves and home offices, if you want something that looks more upscale, consider California Closets (they are not just in CA) or someone like them. They also build closets of course, but they’re very custom, very expensive, and you probably don’t have time for more than just dealing with the home office. Another alternative that’s on the expensive side is Restoration Hardware.

    4. Yetanotherjennifer*

      So in other words, you have to choose and buy the stuff and then someone comes to assemble it and move your stuff into it? Fun! Can I come over and play? Don’t get distracted by design styles or personalities and go for really classic and basic for design and colors. The stuff will be easier to find, more affordable and you can always pull in found pieces to sway the room towards a style later. They say the best rooms evolve over time anyway. Stick to neutrals for the big pieces and save the fun colors for the accent pieces. Use a 3-ring binder to keep inspiration pages, shopping lists and room layouts together. And yes, graph paper is your best friend right now. Also those repositionable scrapbooking dots from the craft store. The kids need to work on their cutting and measuring skills, right?

      I wouldn’t rule out IKEA so fast. Use them for inspiration and ideas. IKEA is the small space and storage specialist and their website can be a great resource and starting point. A Billy shelf, is just an inexpensive shelf, lots of companies make something similar, but google Billy or search on Pinterest and you’ll get a ton of creative ideas. Some goes for their Kallax systems (the cube-based shelves) which I believe I’ve seen copies at Home Depot/Lowes/Target. (it’s a popular choice for kid friendly spaces) For clothes closets, you can’t go wrong with a tower plus bars and a shelf above. Everybody gets the same closet layout. Home Depot/Lowes carries ClosetMade which is pretty sturdy and affordable.

      Also don’t rule out a decorator. Sure, you can’t afford the full service, but if you can find a pro or a hobbyist who can give you an hour or two right now and just walk through your new place spouting ideas you can probably save a lot of time and headache…and probably money as well.

      For good, basic design and storage ideas I’d start with “Storage” magazine by Better Homes and Gardens. The designs tend to be classic and easily copied. See if your local library has a backlog of copies. I’ve got a book called “Use What You Have Decorating” that might be helpful; older but still available on Amazon. And a google search on that term got me a couple other useful looking sites. I also like the sites I Heart Organizing and Housetweaking. Those two especially because they have room by room tours. Dig into housetweaking’s archives for their first house which uses a great neutral color scheme throughout.

      1. Red Reader*

        Specifically re Kallax: the versions at Target and the like are similar, but in my experience less sturdy, smaller (both overall and the individual cubes) and with less options available. My home office is basically constructed out of Kallaxes – I have eight in there of varying sizes and configurations. You can get cube inserts to add cupboard doors, drawers, and different kinds of shelves, all of which are removable and reconfigurable. They’re also excellent for kitchen storage – I have three of them on a wall in my dining room and they’re just about perfect for small appliances, pots and pans and the like. (The kitchenaid stand mixer is about 3/4” too tall for the cubby though, so it sits on top.)

    5. Dr. Anonymous*

      Honestly I’ve been so frustrated by “easy” home layout software that I just measure the rooms, map them out on graph paper, anc measure the major furniture pieces and cut out paper to scale and put them in the “rooms”. Make sure you have a sense of the scale or make a little bird’s eye view of a person to walk through the gaps if space is tight. Wayfair sells some midrange ready-to-assemble furniture if you want desks and office furniture that’s not the cheap laminate from the local big box stores. You can also walk around some local furniture stores to get a sense of scale and how things look in person so you have a visceral sense of a narrower 24″ desk vs at 30-36″ deep desk, etc. You may also look at Houzz to see if it’s organized in a way that’s less wormholey.

  80. KR*

    Dear AAM, I am a mid twenties childless married person. I have a family member staying with me this weekend with her child between 5 and 10 and let me tell you…. I am not built for having kids. Child. Chattered. CONSTANTLY. For the past two days. So much energy. I am already a very low key person who has very limited social energy but I am literally hiding in my room currently even though child is awake watching TV downstairs because I cannot handle a conversation. I can’t handle kids TV which has gone down hill since my own 90s/early 2000s childhood. I can’t handle sharing my home with someone anymore and want it to be just my partner and my pets again. I know part of it is a time zone change and overstimulation and tons of junk food and just big trip excitement on the part of the kid, and I love the kid and want to be there with him and don’t want him to think I’m mean, but I do not have the patience for him to say something and repeat it over and over until I comment on it, or point out something to me that does not need pointing out, or be a brat to his mother and all of us because they’re on vacation and he’s feeling spoiled. I’m sorry I sound awful right now – he’s just a kid, but this is giving me serious pause over having any kids in coming years. I can handle teenagers, I can handle well behaved young kids, I can even handle babies, but I cannot handle the constant talking and questions. /End rant

    1. anon24*

      You sound like me! My sister is much younger than me aka people think she’s my kid younger. I love her dearly but being around as she grew from baby to elementary school age definitely taught me that I do not want kids and literally do not know how to talk to kids. I’ve talked to her like she was an adult since she was born because I don’t have that magic ability to have “little kid” talk. When she spends the night with me I’ll do an activity with her and then be like go play video games I need a time out and go read in my bedroom. I can completely sympathize!

    2. ronda*

      I will just say even well behaved kids can be constant talkers. They are building a new skill and need to work on it.

      If you dont want kids…. dont have them, but it does seem like many people feel differently about their own kids (vs other people’s kids)

      1. Overeducated*

        Yeah I think the constant talking isn’t a sign of poor behavior, it’s how they interact before they understand msnners and listening, and it’s kind of sweet that they want to interact with you. But it can be frustrating and exhausting when you need to focus on something else (e.g. navigation) or just need a break. I can empathize with someone who hasn’t gotten used to it as parents have finding it overwhelming.

    3. Overeducated*

      I have, and love, a small child and I feel this way not infrequently. They have no sense of time and place, they just start up whenever.

    5. Triple Anon*

      That sounds like a personality clash, not just an age difference. Kids have the same range of personality traits that adults do. Some are more talkative and some are more introverted. It sounds like this kid is just a very social person, at least around family. (And yes, repeating something until you react is a kid thing. They like to test adults to see what will happen. It’s partly that they’re still learning about things and partly that they like to push back on the total authority that adults have.) Can you tell the kid that some people are more introverted and need more time alone? It sounds like it could be an opportunity to teach them about personality differences – how some people are not as social and how that’s ok. But that might lead to a lot of other questions and testing of your limits so it might be best to bring it up when other adults are present and available to step in.

      1. Ender*

        That’s a fair point. 5-10 year olds who don’t constantly chatter definitely exist.

        But there’s no Pre-natal test for chatterboxes! You don’t find out if you have one till they start talking. So if you genuinely don’t think you could deal with one probably best not to have any kids at all.

        1. Triple Anon*

          I agree! In fact, if there are any types of people that you really can’t deal with (loud people, quiet people, people with freckles, people who like sports, whatever), then you probably shouldn’t have kids. Kids do tend to take after their parents in some ways, but you’re basically getting a random person with a personality and set of interests all their own.

          1. Ender*

            Yup. If you’re completely intolerant of a particular personality type or physical attribute, then you probably don’t have the flexibility needed to be a parent.

            But I think most people, even if they think they just can’t stand people who talk all the time or care about sports or have red hair or whatever, would feel different about their own kid. It’s figuring out whether you really could handle it or not that’s the tricky bit!

    6. Parenthetically*

      I really sympathize!

      I think a lot of parents just tune out their kids’ jabbering, but in my observation, tuning it out makes it WAY worse — it trains kids to ask 500 times and be annoying before they’re noticed — it trains them to see *exasperated voice* “WHAT?” as a desirable outcome. I have seen some genuine chatterboxes in my decade of teaching, but mostly, IMO, kids who talk nonstop are actually desperate for someone to fully engage with them. I find it helps to give them totally undivided attention for X number of minutes (whatever makes sense to you) and then do something else. Like, actually say, “Hey kid! You have all my attention for the next fifteen minutes, and then I’m going to get my book out and read with headphones on while you keep playing. Tell me ALL ABOUT the Zelda game you’re playing right now/your new hoverboard/every animal at the zoo/whatever kids are into these days and I will listen INTENTLY.”

      It’s harder when it’s not your kid, and that’s a fact, because you’re not the one setting the parameters. But if you do have kids who are talkers, know that you can be the cheery, brisk, confident leader in your house who says, “Hey! We’ve reached mom’s limit for talking, so if you want to KEEP talking, you can go outside/in the other room/talk into your pillow! Or if you want to have some quiet non-talking time, you can stay here. Love you!”

      1. LilySparrow*

        Yes to this. And the closer the child is to 10 rather than 5, the more familiar they will be with the concepts of there being a time and place for different things, and have impulse control.

        The child is probably especially targeting you for chatter because they love you & are excited to be having a “sleepover” at your house.

        If the weather is conducive, outside time also helps. There are a lot of “games” you can make up with kids that are more or less like playing fetch. You sit somewhere comfy and give them a reason to run around, show off their skill at X, and be a visual rather than auditory audience. And then when they come back inside, they’re much calmer.

    4. Nervous Accountant*

      Got here at 11:30 EST and it’s 4:45 now. Still not done. Did not know this would be a 5-6+ thing. I’m hangry.

    5. Not All Who Wander*

      Good luck! As soon as my mom (CPA) retired, one of the first things she did was have me dye the bottom half of her hair neon pink. She loves it! (Her supervisor was a PIA or she would have done it years ago) She has enough grey we didn’t have to pre-lighten, though it holds better if I do a little developer first to open hair shaft. Good old Manic Panic :)

  82. Belle di Vedremo/Secret Asian Man*

    Someone asked last week if I could remember the name of the men’s a capella group that sang “Secret Asian Man” to the tune of “Secret Agent Man.” Did some nosing around and was reminded that it was DaVinci’s Notebook. Looks like they’re mostly not singing (together, anyway) any longer but they certainly had a good run and were a lot of fun to hear. You can find some info, and some lyrics, too, if you look.
    And if for some reason any of them are reading here, thanks again for all the great shows!

    2. fposte*

      I love DaVinci’s Notebook! Nothing can ever really top “Enormous Penis.”

      Paul and Storm have broken out on their own from DaVinci’s Notebook, too.

  83. Merci Dee*

    I’m totally looking forward to the Labor Day holiday tomorrow. Kiddo and I are going to my folks for grilled steaks, and we’re making dessert. We’ve decided on peach mango trifle. I don’t have a traditional footed trifle bowl, so I’m using a cute clear bowl with aqua and blue starfish, shells, and coral. It’ll still show the layers, but be more stable for travel and be appropriate for an end-of-summer celebration. Can’t wait to taste it tomorrow!

  84. ccc8880*

    am i a bad person since i don’t like middle-aged people?

    i find they hate me, but i really don’t care. they single me out for behavour that the many do.
    i’m 20. and most in my community go out at nights. but the people in my local surgery just single me out to say it’s wrong, when millions do it. why is it wrong for me?

    1. Triple Anon*

      Are you female? Young looking for your age? Conventionally attractive? “Successful” by conventional standards or from a family that’s respected in the community? I ask because people in those categories are sometimes expected to “not go out” and preserve some sort of imaginary wholesomeness.

      But that whole thing is unrealistic, based on prejudice and just wrong. Those people are being silly, intentionally or not. I hope you can avoid them or ignore their nasty commentary.

      Not all middle aged people are like that. But I get feeling burned out on a certain age group because of bad experiences. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with avoiding that age group while you wash off the slime that some have thrown on you.

      Fwiw, I’m a young looking middle aged person and I get the same thing from people my age and even younger people. “Don’t go out alone,” “Don’t talk to people alone,” etc. It’s ridiculous. I’m tough and worldly. I just ignore it and make a note to keep those kinds of people at a safe distance.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Ask them. “Everyone does this world-wide. Why are you so concerned about me doing it?”
      Or say, “Would you talk that way to me if I was 40-50 years old?”

      FWIW, the same type of thing was done to my generation. I am ashamed that some of us did not learn a lesson from when it happened to us.

      There are good older people out there. And it’s okay to avoid anyone of any age who is rude or condescending.

    3. fposte*

      How do you know they’re singling you out? I doubt you’re rocking up to the surgery with a bunch of mates for them to address their comments only to you.

      And dislike of all middle-aged people seems a weird response. Do you dislike all mums because yours has said weird stuff sometimes?

      1. Courageous cat*

        What is “the surgery” in this context? I might be too American to understand these comments fully

    4. CBE*

      The million dollar question, to me is this: Is it impacting your work?
      Are you coming to work the next day hung over or sleep deprived? You mention a “surgery” so I am assuming you work in health care, where being fully present and competent is vitally important.
      If it is impacting your work, or you’re showing up at work and it’s clear you’re less than 100%, it’s wrong and a problem to be fixed, and they’re right to address it with you.
      If it’s not impacting your work, none of their damn business! (And you should stop talking about it at work.)
      Important to remember that giving you advice and correction (that can feel like criticism) does not mean they hate you. Disliking people who are harsh to you alone does not make you a bad person, but extending that to all middle aged people might be a wee bit over the top. And failing to objectively see if they might have a point doesn’t make you a bad person, but can cause you career problems.
      Sincerely, a middle aged person (old enough to be your mother) who doesn’t hate you even if you don’t like me.

    5. LilySparrow*

      Do you work at the surgery, and have a personality clash with your co-workers? I know older co-workers can be bossy and police younger people’s behavior in unreasonable ways. If that’s what’s going on, I’m sorry you’re dealing with that. I think extending it to “all middle-aged people” is unrealistic and sets you up to develop a prejudiced mindset.

      Or are you a patient at the surgery, and your healthcare providers are advising you to make some different choices because you keep needing medical care as a result? Or do you have a chronic illness that causes you to need frequent visits, and they are trying to help you manage your illness better?

      If going out is causing you to get sick or injured frequently, then perhaps it would be more constructive to figure out that problem. Not because going out is objectively wrong, but it’s not working out well for you.

  85. nep*

    Is anyone familiar with the Reply All podcast episode Long Distance (two-parter)?
    I only just listened to that last week. What a trip.

    1. fposte*

      I love that one! That and the one about the Girl Guides in the concentration camp at Weishen are amazing.

      Snigdha Poonam (the reporter they met) had an article in the Guardian earlier this year; I’ll post it in followup.

  86. ccc98880*

    where are te best places to travel to in Brussels and Amsterdam? I’m thinking of going there soon.

  87. PhyllisB*

    To some of you readers from the UK, will someone answer a question for me? I love reading books set in England, Ireland, ect. but some of the terms they use I’m not sure of. Today I will only ask about one. In British schools I assume second level is high school, but what are A levels? Is that a series of tests, senior year, or college?

    1. Ron McDon*

      A levels (stands for Advanced Level) is a two year course of study, undertaken from the age of 16-18, usually as pre-cursor to going to University to obtain a degree (you need x number of A Levels at certain grades to be accepted onto most University courses).

      A lot of schools have a ‘Sixth Form’ allowing children who have attained the grades required at age 15/16 at GCSE to stay on and study for A Levels. Years ago, when you began secondary school at age 11, during your first year you were called ‘first years’, etc, up to ‘sixth formers’ when you entered your sixth year of secondary school, at age 16. Now the names for the years have all been changed, so you enter secondary school as a ‘year 7’ and do A Levels in year 12 and 13. But the nam of Sixth Form has stuck.

      If a local School doesn’t offer A Levels, you can usually go to a local college instead (although some colleges only offer training courses for builders, mechanics, electricians etc).

      Hope that helps!

    2. Edinbugger*

      Also, that mostly only applies in England and Wales. Scotland has a separate education system which works very differently! And I’m not familiar with the Irish system at all.

      1. Roseberriesmaybe*

        The Irish system:
        4-12 Primary School. Levels are Junior Infants, Senior Infants, 1st-6th class
        12-18 Secondary School. Levels are 1st Year to 6th Year.
        The exams (Junior Certificate and Leaving Certificate) take place in 3rd and 6th Year of Secondary School, respectively. So around the ages of 15 and 18.
        Hope this is of use to you, PhyllisB!

    3. Bagpuss*

      Also, just for clarity, it’s secondary level, not second level. We have Primary education / Primary Schools, which take children from age 5 – 11, Secondary schools which cover the period from 11-18 and then university / college is Tertiary Education

      1. PhyllisB*

        I don’t know if this already posted, if so forget duplicate. My computer did something weird and I lost my page. Anyway, thank you for those who responded about A levels. I knew when I typed second level I was wrong, but I had already turned in my book and couldn’t remember the correct term. I appreciate the clarification.

  88. PhyllisB*

    Also, what is everyone reading this weekend? I just finished Ghosted by Rosie Walsh. At first I wasn’t too sure, the premise seemed so far-fetched couple meets, spends a week together, declare their love, and then…she never hears from him again. However, there is much more to this story than I expected.

      1. PhyllisB*

        Sorry, CBE. I realize now there is a thread on that. I just popped on and posted without reading any comments. I should have known with all these bookworms, somebody would have already started it.

  89. Katie the Fed*

    Question for you responsible homeowners out there: what routine maintenance task do people forget about that’s really important?

    We’re spending our long weekend tackling some overdue projects – filing paperwork, baby proofing the house (he just started crawling, god help me), cleaning out some closets. We did a few maintenance things like cleaning out the agitator on the washing machine, changing the HVAC filter, cleaning the bathroom exhaust fan, the grease traps in the stove hood, diswasher trap. What else should we do? Neither of us are very handy people, so go easy on me.

    1. Wicked Witch of the West*

      Check the batteries in your smoke detectors. It is usually recommended to check them when switching from daylight savings to regular time and back. But as long as you are doing chores, do it now.

    2. Jean (just Jean)*

      I think there are books with lists on this subject, or possibly web sites. (Maybe there are handypeople on YouTube who also have a web site?) I dimly recall that about 20-25 years ago Reader’s Digest put out a one-volume book to summarize the basic bits of plumbing, carpentry, etc. for beginning homeowners. Because I’m not myself a homeowner I can’t give much other information. Your friendly local reference librarian at the nearest public library might be a great resource for locating web sites and/or reference books and/or manuals to browse, borrow, or buy (from your local independent bookstore).

      Sorry not sorry about shamelessly plugging libraries and independent bookstores. I’ve got both on the brain after visiting one of each this weekend.

    3. BRR*

      Washing the dishwasher and washing machine with vinegar.

      I just learned this one the hard way, cleaning the a/c drainage pipe.

    6. Ree*

      Definitely the HBAC filter – they should be changed quarterly and more if anyone has allergies. I usually change ours every other month.
      Also the dryer vent that goes from the back of the dryer to the outside. You can vacuum/shop-vac it out, or if it’s really bad, replace it(time is money and all that, it’s not an expensive replacement)
      Cleaning ceiling fan blades(I try to do them when I change the blade directions for winter and summer and again sometime mid summer, to remove allergens)
      And finally, cleaning the tracks of any windows and sliding doors – WD-40 is awesome to use for this as a cleaner and greaser all in one

      1. nonegiven*

        The outdoor part of the HVAC system, you need to keep foliage cut away and hose it out periodically. Yard debris, even just dirt and dust will reduce efficiency.

        1. PhyllisB*

          Amen to the HVAC. My son reported that the carpet in his room was spongy so my husband knew that the drain hose was blocked/backing up. When he cleaned it out he had to outside to complete it, and discovered dirt daubers had built a nest in the line. For those of you wondering what a dirt dauber is, they are like wasps except they don’t sting. And they build their nests out of mud, hence the name. They are (one) of the insect banes of the South.

  90. Chaordic One*

    I usually wait until when we change to daylight savings time, but you should install new batteries in your carbon monoxide and smoke detectors.

    While it is still a little early, cleaning out the gutters if your home has them is really important.

    Get your storm windows ready to install. (For storm windows with wooden frames, this time of year I wash them and make sure that I put fresh putty where it may have cracked and fallen out, let it dry, and then paint over it.)

    Clean out the dryer exhaust hose which can get clogged with lint and catch fire.

    Also dust and clean the coils on the back of your refrigerator. It is a real pain having to move the refrigerator to get to the coils and they tend to collect sticky dust that is kind of hard to remove. I use an “extra-soft” bristle toothbrush to get to hard-to-reach coil areas.

    If your bathtub, shower or any of your sinks are draining slowly you might want to purchase a “snake” and snake them out.

  91. Lily Evans*

    I really hate how social media can take a good night and turn it into a bad one in a split second. I went on facebook on my way home from work tonight and saw photos from my friend’s baby shower. A couple month’s ago she’d texted me and asked for my email address and said explicitly that it was to send a shower invitation. I honestly didn’t think much of it that it hadn’t come yet because her due date is still almost three months away, so it was really upsetting to go online and see that I just hadn’t been invited. Like, holding back tears on the subway upsetting. We haven’t been super close lately, but I was in her wedding and we were so close in college and I was really excited for her. I even posted on here when she’d first texted me to ask for baby shower gift ideas. It just really really sucks to be treated that way.

    1. Anono-me*

      Maybe this is exactly how it happened. If so that stinks. But maybe there is something else going on also.

      Here are two different pretty plausible scenarios that I cane up with.

      1. Most people that I know wind up with several showers for the first baby a with sprinkle or two for any subsequent ones.
      (There is at least one family shower, maybe two if the families are large or geographicly distant or if there is some sort of inlaw drama. Then there is a work shower, usually just cake and coffee and a group card with a gift card that everyone contributed $1.00-$2.00 to. Finally there is at least one social friends shower. )The most showers I know of for one baby is 7. Maybe your friend gave your name to a different shower hostess than the one that was this weekend.

      2. Your friend is the guest of honor at the shower, not the hostess. Maybe your friend asked the shower hostess to invite you, but the shower hostess dropped the ball for some reason.

      I hope that the rest of your week goes better.

    2. Trot*

      Is it possible the e-vite ended up in your spam folder? (If she used one of those mass email evite sites rather than emailing people individually, it might have happened!)

  92. Nervous Accountant*

    Day 2 has ended and day 3…. deciding whether to finally tackle the middle room and clean or relax and prep for the week. Definitely looking forward to Tuesday. Knock on wood so far it’s been an OK weekend.

  93. I'm A Little Teapot*

    In case anyone wants an update on my neighbor…. I got cameras installed today (with lots of help). We weren’t even done, and neighbor comes up and starts screaming at me that I’m a pedophile and sick and yadda yadda, all because “I was filming her grandchildren’s play area”.

    No, I’m filming YOU, you crazy bitch. So stop being nasty and you’ll have nothing to worry about (in reality, didn’t say that to her, cause it won’t help.) Then my helpers mentioned later that she probably called the police, cause there was a cop that drove by, very slowly, not long afterwards. They didn’t stop.

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