weekend free-for-all – September 29-30, 2018

by Alison Green on September 29, 2018

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: Conversations with Friends, by Sally Rooney. Two 20somethings befriend a slightly older couple, and things get messy but the banter is superb.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. DoctorateStrange*

    Is there any advice columns that also feature updates from the letter-writers. I feel like AskAManager has spoiled me and while I still enjoy advice columns, I wish I could find more that had follow-ups!

    1. Loose Seal*

      Captain Awkward occasionally has follow ups but you’re right, it’s really a rare thing.

      I’d love it if Alison shared how she keeps all of her content and questions straight and knows who to ask for follow ups. Is it just really good email sorting?

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        I can answer that! Sometimes I know I’m going to want an update and so I move a letter into a “request update” email folder right away. But I hardly ever remember to do that. Mostly, every November I go through every post from the whole year and flag the ones where I especially would like an update and email those people (as part of that process, I’m also looking for candidates for “worst boss of the year” and any other end-of year lists I’m going to do). I also usually do a post around that time calling for updates, and as part of that ask people which letters they’d like me to request updates on, and then I send requests to those letter writers too. And on top of all that, a lot of people just send in updates on their own (I think all the updates printed so far this year were ones people sent in without being asked).

        1. Loose Seal*

          So do you just save and organize all your emails? I just have visions of your inbox being very organized.

          1. Ask a Manager* Post author

            Yep — I have a separate email account just for AAM letters, and I just use lots and lots of labels and folders. My inbox is a mess (right now it has 159 messages in it that I still need to do something with, 32 of which are marked to be used for future short answer posts, and the rest of which I’m considering for standalone posts) but everything else is neatly in folders.

    2. CTT*

      Carolyn Hax doesn’t publish updates as part of her regular column, but usually someone submits one in her weekly chats hosted by the Washington Post.

    3. Ginger ale for all*

      I was reading old columns of the Moneyeist (sp?) and he had an update in a column with two different dad’s asking about money advice with their adult kids.

  2. matcha123*

    I have maybe two friends who probably consider themselves a lot smarter than their peers, and maybe that was the case in high school. But now, I find that they tend to jump to the wrong conclusions about people and events because they don’t slow down to listen through the whole conversation.
    They then go off based on a misunderstanding of someone and let it sit for months or years. Instead of admitting they were wrong, they will accuse the other person of not speaking clearly. When from my perspective, it’s clear that they took in a small portion of the story and veered wildly off.
    My question is, if you are someone that considers yourself a fast thinker, someone that quickly forms opinions of people, someone that is certain they have the gist of the direction a conversation is headed in after the other person says a few words….Why can’t you wait until you’ve heard all of the details before jumping to a conclusion? Moreover, how do YOU want people to talk to you? And finally, why are you so sure that you’ve drawn the right conclusion?

    1. I’m tired*

      Some people take forever to get to the point or, even worse, constantly repeat themselves in the same conversation. Sometimes, people aren’t as interesting as they think they are and the listener just wants to speed the conversation along.

      1. matcha123*

        It’s true that some people ramble on, but that’s not what I have observed here. In these instances, a new topic has just been broached when the other party latches onto one word or phrase and has made a decision based on that without hearing the conversation to the end.
        As in, within the first 30 seconds or so. Not 25 minutes into a neverending conversation.

        An example scenario would be:
        John: “Don’t you think people that give their kids weird names are stupid?”
        Kirk: “Well, it’s not really any of my business what other people name their kids, but—”
        John: “Oh, so you think those names are fine. Well, that’s to be expected of someone like you.”
        * A different day *
        John to Sarah: “Can you believe that Kirk thinks that parents should give their kids weird names? Those names will totally ruin their future, but Kirk thinks that’s fine!”

        It seems that the only acceptable answer for someone like John would be an immediate “Yes” or “No” and anything that doesn’t start with an agreement of his observation is filed in his mind as a “No”, regardless of whether Kirk was actually going to be agreeing with John.

        1. Ender*

          In that case it sounds like Kirk does think it’s ok for people to give their kids weird names though – so I don’t really see why youre saying johns initial interpretation was wrong? Anyone who says “it’s not my business” about something is basically saying “they can do that if they want”.

          John should not have extrapolated from Kirk thinking it’s ok to Kirk thinking that it SHOULD happen, but the extrapolation from “it’s not any of my business” to “I’m ok with that” is valid IMO.

          1. ket*

            But the sentence could easily be, “Well, it’s not really any of my business what other people name their kids, but yes, they’re incredibly stupid, and I can tell you 120938 stories of children whose lives were RUINED by their weird names!”

            “It’s not my business” to “I’m ok with that” isn’t quite valid. For instance, headship marriages — I’m not ok with that but it’s also not my business. Certain kinks — I’m really not ok with them but I’m also not interested in policing peoples’ bedrooms if they’re consenting adults. The lousy business practices of a competitor — I think they’re terrible, actually, but will use them to the fullest extent possible to get the affected customers for my own! I won’t interfere in the competitor’s business!

            1. matcha123*

              This is generally how I use the phrase and how I would interpret it. I’ve been the Kirk in this scenario and I’ve had John(s) tell me about their Kirk(s).
              Using my example above, you state that you are not in any position to change how the party you are about to talk about thinks. Then you state your well-balanced (hopefully) reason why you disagree with their decision.
              If the sentence was, “It’s not any of my business. Period.”, then the meaning would be that Kirk really doesn’t care.

          2. MatKnifeNinja*

            Welp…This for me would be filed under, “What other people think of you is none of your concern.”

            Part of it sounds like John wasn’t interested in talking about non traditional names, and then gossiped to Sarah for something to do.

            John is a gossipy twit. How does this sort of petty nonsense gets back you?

          3. Ender*

            Maybe it’s a cultural thing but I’ve honestly never heard anyone say “it’s none of my business but I disagree with it” . I’ve only ever heard people use it in the way I’ve mentioned above – if it’s none of your business then you are OK with it. That’s just how the phrase is used where I live. I was just commenting on the OPs opinion that John is bad at interpreting other people’s opinions, since that seemed to be the point of the post.

            I agree John is rude, both for interrupting (unless kirk is a sssllloowww talker), and also for the “that’s to be expected from you” comment. It also seems like he really dislikes kirk and possibly looks for reasons to disagree with him?

            rudeness and being disagreeable to people you dislike are certainly not traits specific to people who think theyre smart though! They are actually very widespread among people of all levels of intelligence and are a separate issue to OPs original comment.

            1. Lissa*

              I feel like I hear it’s none of my business as a way to make it clear you disagree but without people actually wanting to say it. Maybe because they know it’s not a nice opinion or, they don’t like it but don’t care very strongly.

            2. matcha123*

              I’ve always used it that way. I don’t know if it’s because of where I’m from in the midwest, if it’s my own personal quirk, or what.
              Another example would be, “While I can’t stop John from cheating on his wife, that doesn’t mean that I would knowingly help him cheat on her.”
              The other way I’ve heard “It’s none of my business” used is when someone just doesn’t want to comment either way. I’ve always interpreted it as a neutral phrase…depending on context, of course.

              1. Ender*

                Depends on how slow and if they have a reason for talking so slowly like a speech impediment or they just choose to drag everything out. If it’s the latter that’s so infuriating that only a saint could wait.

            5. Close Bracket*

              I’ve honestly never heard anyone say “it’s none of my business but I disagree with it” .

              I say similar things all the time. Maybe now that you know some people use it that way, you can open to hearing that phrase differently than what you assume. What you’re hearing isn’t always what people are saying.

            7. Observer*

              Well, as you can see from the responses to your first comment, that’s totally not universal.

              As I said, my experience is that it’s used in many different ways, but mostly with disagreement that doesn’t reach “This MUST be STOPPED!” levels.

          4. Observer*

            Actually, it really doesn’t sound like he’s ok with it – BUT is a very telling word here. But the real problem is that there is no way to know what he really thinks. Or rather, we know that he probably doesn’t think that it should be made illegal, and that’s about the size of it.

          5. Julia*

            Not really. We don’t even know which names John considers “stupid” – everything non-WASPY? In that case, Kirk’s response could have been trying to gently call him out.

        2. neverjaunty*

          The problem is not that your friends are “fast thinkers”, then. The problem is that they’re assholes.

          I mean really – ‘that’s to be expected of someone like you’? Cutting people off in mid-sentence and then accusing them of being bad communicators?

          1. matcha123*

            That’s what strikes me as hard to understand. When I have either been in the position of Kirk or heard about a Kirk from a John, it has been very clear that John didn’t bother to get the full picture. And John would even say that they stop listening when Kirk talks, but then assumes wrong information and months later I will hear from John that “actually, that time with Kirk they were talking about ABC, and I thought they meant XYZ, they need to be clearer.”

            1. Not So NewReader*

              These friends are rude people. Gently suggesting that this is hard to understand because you are over-thinking this one. They keep doing this because no one has ever told them not to do this or to stop OR they are choosing to ignore those warnings. Look at this way, suppose you met a new person today, just got introduced to them this morning. Suppose by this afternoon you noticed the exact same behavior you are talking about here. It’s very clear, right? This new person is rude.

              I will go one step further here, this is NOT how friends treat friends. I don’t just find the behavior questionable, I would be questioning if there is any real friendship there at all. There is not much going on here in terms of basic respect.

        3. a1*

          Jumping to conclusions is not the same as being a fast thinking. What a weird confluence. Neither is interrupting people mid-sentence and being rude. However, I will agree with others that if someone is slowly talking and rambling and taking 20 minutes to say something they could with one sentence (if they ever got to the point) that would get very trying and I could understand interruptions.

      2. misspiggy*

        I think there are two overlapping personality types here – quick thinkers and talkers who find it hard to listen (shades of ADHD), it me – and entitled idiots who constantly want the hit of Being Right.

        I fall into both camps naturally (or because I grew up in a family that loved a pointless knock-down argument), and it took a while to realise I was being a dick. Didn’t help that in school the behaviour is rewarded by teachers who love a student that can get to some kind of a point quickly. I’ve tried to stop the not listening and jumping to conclusions thing, even though it feels like nails on a chalkboard with someone who takes a while to put their opinions together.

        Short answer – people doing what you describe are being dicks, and a bit of social correction may make them rethink themselves. Or they may just go and hang out with more dicks.

      3. MatKnifeNinja*

        Oh dear dog. THANK YOU. I have relatives and cowrkers who hold my ears hostage with a 15+ minute monologs.

        OP maybe this isn’t you, and your friends are jerks. I hve found when people have complained, “I’m not letting them give/tell all the information.”, the person has monologed for well over 5 plus minutes. They also bunny hoppy on tangents. I have a relative that can talk about a dog food recall and dragged the GDP of China plus Boliva into the mix. And the use of Segways.

        People have the attention span of gnats. From load the information you want made clear, and let people do some give and take. You have about 5 minutes of really active listening before the other party starts shutting down if not allowed to talk/ask a question. This is in causal conversations. My Aspie cousin actually had to learn this. He info dumps up to 20 minutes before the person can say anything.

        He feels you need to know ALL this information before the conversation can start. By the point, people have drifted off and already made their decision. Also, if people know you have a tendency to monolog/info dump, you’ll be cut off much faster in the conversation.

        I think people draw their conclusions early on, and the rest is just fine tuning/justifying why they picked it. There has to be some big revelation into a 10 minute pitch for me to change my initial position from 3 to 5 minutes ago.

        Sorry your friends are twits. True friends would not let stuff fester for months or years. Who has the energy to keep that up?

    2. The Cosmic Avenger*

      It sounds like their sense of identity hangs on being smarter than everyone else. I went to school where there were a couple of really brilliant kids, at least one of whom got perfect scores on the SATs. Those uber-smart kids also had some glaring shortcomings in certain areas, but they were as a whole *much* smarter than I am, and I’m well above average by any measure. Knowing people like that, I figured out early that a person’s worth isn’t based on what they know.

      1. Reba*

        I agree, my instinct is that it’s not a speed issue, it’s the “must be smarter than” that’s the hangup.

    3. LGC*

      I’m probably a “moderate speed” thinker. (I guess by American standards? I’m a little slower than average for my area, but also I live in New Jersey. People are pretty fast here.) I’ve had friends (and e*******s) who are…pretty slow in getting their words out. And often I find myself getting a little impatient when they’re taking five minutes to say that they saw a movie this weekend with their sister.

      On the flip side, I get bulldozed a LOT by one of my neighbors who talks really fast and constantly. (I’m convinced she thinks that she’ll die if no one is talking for longer than five seconds.) What doesn’t help is that I’m naturally soft spoken and she is LOUD.

      I guess my advice is twofold:
      1) frontload! Try to put the most important information first.
      2) this is harder but don’t be afraid to interrupt back.

      Also, your friends sound like jerks. I’d elaborate further on everything but I can’t right now.

    4. ronda*

      you can speculate on why they are doing this, or you can ask them.

      best to ask in the moment when you see it happen, but you can also ask about it later when they tell you about someone elses’ opinion….. you can tell them it is hard to believe them when you have seen them misrepresent others opinions before.

    5. chi type*

      I think your friends might be my boss (sorry to bring up the B word on this thread!)!
      She will also not listen carefully to an entire statement, seem to remember only one minor detail from said statement, and then twist the shit out of that detail until it doesn’t even correspond to the original MINOR detail that wasn’t even the point.
      Incredibly frustrating.
      As for why, I think your right. She thinks she’s smarter than everyone and already knows everything, with a side of having pre-judged and twisting the answer to fit that judgement.
      For solutions- all we have come up with is very carefully crafting what we say to her. Which doesn’t really help in a social setting! So I guess I have nothing to give you but sympathy!

    6. Nervous Accountant*

      I feel like I might have done that in the last. It was major insecurity about seeming too dumb/stupid. So I would cut in with something to show “hey I know stuff and things!” But yeah that’s super annoying. I’m still a little insecure but I listen more.

    7. Lissa*

      I’ve got a friend who will sometimes interrupt with an assumption and get all high dudgeon about whatever he assumed I was going to say – it’s like he wants to have a tumblr moment where he tells off someone for saying a Problematic Thing, but like…I wasn’t even going to say what he thinks I was going to. I just straight up tell him “uh yeah buddy, I wasn’t going to say that, but nice soapbox.” or something. My friend wants to be the Wokest White Dude though and this is just part of his overall attempt.

    8. The Original Stellaaaaa*

      Are your friends factually wrong about certain things, or do they just develop opinions more quickly and negatively than you’d prefer?

  3. Aphrodite*

    For the last three weeks or so I have been enjoying watching The Rockford Files on the computer. (I don’t own a television nor do I subscribe to Netflix or any other service so it’s mostly YouTube for me.) I was a fan of that show when it originally aired, and rewatching it again now brings back memories and feelings. This has to have been one of the best shows ever made. James Garner was a friend of my uncle’s though sadly I never had the opportunity to meet him. But I never ceased to admire him, and am enjoying this like crazy.

    Also fascinating are all his fellow cast mates: Stuart Margolin as Angel, Gretchen Corbett as Beth, Joe Santos and Becker, James Luisi as Chapman and especially Noah Beery Jr. as Rocky.

    1. HLK1219HLK*

      Love this! I sometimes go on secret binges of series from the 70’s & 80’s Bob Newhart, a Columbo here and there, V (ok that was a miniseries). The most schlocky of them all, of course, is The Love Boat.

    3. Waiting for the Sun*

      Yes to all the comments. 1970s crime shows were not as dark as today, and had more humor sprinkled in.

      1. Former Employee*

        I think that “Harry O” with David Janssen was a darker show in the 70’s. Big fan of Garner’s (His movies are really worth checking out, too.), but I also liked Janssen/Harry O.

    4. Lcsa99*

      I loved the series and my husband and I occasionally catch episodes on cable. I think James Garner was awesome, and the fact that he did all his driving himself – stunts and all – just makes him that much cooler. I would definitely hire him if I needed a private investigator. He’s willing to do whatever it takes to get the job done. And you can’t beat his rates!

    5. Elizabeth W.*

      My parents used to watch that but I never did.

      I did get to re-watch Emergency! when it was on Netflix. That was a show my siblings and I particularly enjoyed. It came out right around the time paramedics were becoming a thing. They had real-life firefighters as advisers, so the show was really realistic in the way the characters did things. It held up pretty well, too. :)

    6. Triplestep*

      I loved this show AND James Garner. I can’t bring a single episode to mind, but I remember I really liked it and I watched it by myself since no one else in my family shared my opinion of it. Sadly this will probably be the case if I decide to binge-watch it now, haha!

      1. Aphrodite*

        My favorite episode was from season 1. Titled “Profit and Loss,” it starred Ned Beatty as a wonderfully evil CEO. I keep re-watching it though I could probably quote it from heart. Almost as fabulous is a season 5 episode called “Never Send a Boy King to Do a Man’s Job,” which had Dennis Dugan, Kim Hunter and the always, again, a wonderfully evil Robert Webber.

        But I can’t think of any episodes I don’t like. Well, maybe a couple from season 5 when Garner was apparently missing due to surgery and recovery where he played only very small roles. Just put “rockford files” in quotes in both google (and tell it to look for videos), on YouTube, and even on Dailymotion (even though there are numerous commercial breaks on that one).

    7. Nancie*

      Thank you! I’ve been wanting to watch Rockford Files and didn’t think to look for it on YouTube. (Last time I checked it’s not on Netflix, Hulu or Amazon Prime.)

  4. Loose Seal*

    Cars: Buy or lease? I’d like pros and cons as to whether leasing is a good option for a car just to drive to work and around town, probably put 20-30 miles a day on it. It would be personally owned, not a company car. Thanks!

    1. Chylleh*

      Just went through this thought process with my partner on his car and we asked ourselves a lot of these questions, to which there is no right or wrong answer. What do you think is the likelihood that your job might move further away? Or that you might change jobs and your commute mileage might go up? Do you like the option of having new tech options in your car every few years, where leasing would keep your car up to date with trends?

      Do you like to customize your car, which would be rough with with a leased vehicle? Is budget an issue, which is where leased vehicles shine?

      One thing we found or that surprised us happened when the dealer have us detailed financing for leasing and buying. If we leased, the car had the option of being bought out after the lease was over but the buyout price was ridiculously high, even with the difference between the monthly lease payments vs more expensive loan payments. We ended up buying, partially due to that but also because my partner’s office is planning to move within the year so we have no idea how much his commute would change.

      Good luck with whichever you choose!

    2. Loopy*

      I’ve gone through the thought process quite a few times. Leasing sounds appealing but I’ve always been put off by lack of flexibility when it comes to mileage. I don’t drive much, but if I suddenly had a road trip opportunity or had to move or had any life change, I’d hate to add the stress of worrying about it. Plus any tiny minor damage, etc.

      I’ve always been swayed to buy also just by the sheer amount of people with leasing horror stories. No one ever pops up to tell me they did it and it was great!

    3. BeenThere*

      My experience is limited to how it has impacted friends. Unless they could use it as a business expense, they all wished they’d never leased. They get more car for their money initially but all of them ended up buying out the lease in the end because of wear and tear charges the dealer wanted to assess, and essentially paid a lot more for it in the long run. Personally, I’m not a fan but it’s anecdotal evidence, I’m not a financial counselor.

    4. ronda*

      i had a lease and the buy out at the end was large. and i did come close to the milage or over it, so that would be a charge too. I didnt really like the feeling of that and all other cars have been purchase new.

      it does seem like the best financial way is to buy used, but I want a new car, so I buy new.

      I keep a car for about 10 years. I had a friend who switched to leasing cause her husband wanted to change cars every 1 or 2 years and she felt they lost lots of money on selling them (he was also probably expensing them for business). A lease might make sense if you want to change cars often.

      Another friend had went for an electric or hybrid car early in the advent of those and went with a lease cause she felt like this was an experiment and if it didnt work out she had not invested as much money in the car.

    5. CheeryO*

      I looked into it last time I was in the market for a car, and I ended up buying a lightly used car instead. I haven’t had a car payment in four years, which is really nice. The downside is that I’m driving an older vehicle without the fancy features that come standard on all newer cars.

      Cars are built pretty well these days, so even my cheapo Kia has only needed a few repairs beyond the basic maintenance items, and I’m closing in on 100K. But if you’re not someone who wants to drive the same car for a decade, it’s not a bad option. Just make sure you won’t blow the mileage limit.

    6. foolofgrace*

      In the not-too-distant past, Consumer Reports visited this issue and recommended buying over leasing, I think mainly due to the often-high cost at the end of the lease.

    7. Anonymous Educator*

      Leasing sounds appealing, but the mileage limitations (or the costs for going over) weren’t going to work for me and my spouse. It’s true that an owned car continually loses (resale) value over time, but cars are lasting 10-15 (or even 20) years sometimes, so if you buy a used car that’s only a year or two old, it’s very good value, even if you take into account repairs further down the (metaphorical) road.

    8. kerlin*

      Never, ever lease. It costs you FAR more by every single metric except *maybe* if you absolutely have a really profoundly deep-seated need to be the person driving a fancy new car at all times. They just don’t make sense. You pay a down payment, then monthly car payments, run the risk of penalties, are still paying for gas for…absolutely nothing after three years. You have to start all over from scratch.

      If you’re looking for something with that low mileage and that kind of driving, maybe look at a hybrid? They get their best mileage in exactly that scenario – stop and go driving, low mileage per day.

      1. ThatGirl*

        My inlaws lease because they always want a new car and don’t want to do any upkeep or maintenance beyond oil changes. Honestly it drives me a little nuts but it’s their money…

    9. Someone Else*

      It’s pretty much always going to come down to the math. Is your choice about leasing car A or buying car B? Or between buying/leasing the same car? You sound like you’ll have pretty low annual mileage (assuming your estimate is right) so that leaves leasing on the table. Most leases have mileage limits and pretty hefty fees for going over, so if you drive a lot it makes no sense to lease. Keep that in mind in case your situation might change while you have the car. Beyond that, do you like to switch out cars frequently? Always want to be driving something under warranty? Then leasing probably makes sense because you can have the car for 2-3 years and then get something newer. If you’re more the type to get a car you like and drive it til it dies, buying is going to cost you a lot less in the long term. Basically, the shorter you plan to have the car (and the less you drive it) the more leasing makes more sense. The longer you plan to drive the car, buying will win in the end.

    10. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      The two advantages of leasing are that you essentially get a new car every few years, and often there are good lease deals on expensive cars you wouldn’t be able to afford to buy. My middle class neighborhood is full of BMW 320i’s that are probably low mileage leases.

      My parents have leased for years and have had a mixed experience. They always go over mileage. The inspections at the end for damage have sometimes been really picky and other times have been surprisingly lenient. The asking price to buy at the end has really been ridiculous. But they really want a new car every three years and leasing is the easiest way for that to happen.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Some people believe that if you keep a car more than a few years, it starts nickling and diming you to death. Since they sincerely believe this, then leasing would probably appeal to them. Given that most car loans can go out beyond a few years, the math might work out to be cheaper to lease and still get the new vehicle they want at a set interval.

        1. Observer*

          Making financial decisions that way is a really bad idea.

          Some cars are likely to start nickle and diming you after 3 years, some after 5 and others after 10.

          Our first “new new” car lasted us 5 years, and the last year it was a bit of a time and money sink. When we went to buy our next car, we decided that we wanted a car that would last at least 5 years. And we decided that the year the car went over $x (I think we started at $1k) in non routine maintenance / repairs would be the year we replace the car. We had that car for 11 years, and I don’t think we spent more than that over the entire life of the car. The highest we ever went was $450. (That’s when I started researching cars again.) We decided to replace the car because the transmission went, and the mechanic told us that even a used transmission would be $1,500. He told my husband (who is the driver) that it makes no sense to put that kind of money into an 11 year old car.

    11. Chaordic One*

      I think it really comes down to how much you can afford and feel comfortable spending. Owning is certainly cheaper, especially if you keep your car for a long time. Most new cars can easily go over 100,000 miles with not needing any major repairs and it is not unusual to get more than 200,000 miles on many.

      On the other hand, if you want a new car every few years and don’t put a lot of miles on them, and if you can afford it, then you might consider leasing.

    12. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      When you are doing your cost calculations, don’t forget your car insurance costs and license/registration fees. I looked at moving up from my CRV to a newer (2 year old) SUV, and the huge leap in car insurance costs on TOP of the monthly payment and (state of CA) fees, and I was better off driving another year in the existing very utilitarian CRV.

      Last year, we did upgrade the radio/stereo system in it, and added bluetooth/Sirius and a quiet kit (not dynamat, but comparable), and had it touched up (and new bumper). All in, less than the change in registration fee and insurance for a couple months. I was a lot more interested in how it drove and sounded (I do some work calls during my commute) than in how it looked to others in the parking lot. I also live in an area where every car is a theft target – I always look at mine in the row and think “if I had 30 seconds to break and enter, would I pick the 12 year old CRV or the 1 year old BMW for the radio and goodies?”

      (disclaimer, in the past 25 years – and next year I will – buy used Toyota/Honda after their 3 year age, and drive them to around 200K/10 years). Other than a very few expected repairs at the 125K mark, I’ve never had anything the first 100-125K miles except tires, wiper blades and routine maintenance.

      Also, I do recommend taking 6 months to drive your existing, save up the amount of the car payment + fees + insurance, and bank it… and see if your budget really can take the hit without pain. It also gives you a better downpayment when you do take the plunge.

      And, +1 for consumer reports.

    13. Colette*

      Think about potential damage as well – not just accidents, but dents in the door or scratches. If you buy it, you can shrug and decide to live with it, but with a lease it will cost you.

      1. Triplestep*

        Ugh, my daughter made a slight damage to a leased car while driving my car, and the other party had to have it fixed by the dealer which cost a ton. ‘Course my daughter (age 18 at the time) covered the cost after I pleaded with the other party not to go through insurance. But I was so pissed that had to pay for someone else’s choice to lease a car – cars get dings. It happens!

    14. Triplestep*

      Years ago (decades, actually) we used cash on an old used car and started putting money away monthly towards the next car. So it felt like having a car payment without having one. We now pay cash for our cars, drive them into the ground, and continue to put money way monthly.

      With this in mind, I cannot imagine leasing a car – paying every month and then having to either give it back (and having nothing to show for it) or paying a ton to own it. I guess there are people who want to change cars every other year, but unless they are fabulously wealthy, that’s probably not advisable. And if they are NOT fabulously wealthy, then probably they should be more frugal about their vehicles!

      If I didn’t have the cash for a car today, I’d’ get a car loan but still drive the car for ten years. And I’d start saving for the new car after the 4 or 5 years car loan was paid.

    15. June*

      If you want value, buy a newer used car. Leasing is for those who car hop. And so many ways to fall into a trap that would not be to your advantage.

  5. Anna*

    Six months ago husband and I tentatively decided I’d get off birth control in the fall before our age could become an issue. Fall is here and I’m overcome with doubts. Do I really want to do this, CAN I do this? Pregnancy is terifying and babies too. I’m not sure I want one! I’ll break it! Who here is a mom who was on the fence?

    1. PurpleMonster*

      I think everyone is on the fence to some degree – it’s a huge decision and you can’t undo it! But I framed it as asking myself, if I didn’t, would I regret it? and decided that yes, probably. And it’s mostly been worth it – the reduced sleep certainly sucks, but I love that weird, cheeky little creature with all my heart. Even at 3am.

      1. Ann Non*

        Seconding all of this! “You can’t undo it” is pretty scary, plus I’ve never heard of someone saying that they got pregnant at a convenient time. I’m pregnant now and of course I’m terrified of breaking the kid once it arrives.

        Maybe it helps to think about which parts of parenthood you (Anna) are excited about?

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          It is the sine qua non of things you can’t undo. Like just after you step off the bungee jump.

          How does your husband feel? I ask because I have known couples where one person wanted kids, and one person was like “okay, if this is a big deal for you kids are fine” and the latter are wonderful, involved, doting parents. Having a kid is a 0/100, yes/no proposition, but wanting one can be all over and that’s normal.

          1. Slartibartfast*

            I knew I wanted kids. My husband was terrified, but jumped because he knew how much it meant to me. I think he’s the more devoted parent now, those kids are his everything. I think some people feel a hard yes and others feel a hard no on the subject of kids, but there’s also lots of people in the middle. For me personally, I knew I would regret it if I didn’t. Watching these two creatures turn into full fledged humans has been so worth it to me, and the ways they’re like me or like him or like neither one of us is just fascinating.

            1. Falling Diphthong*

              Agree on the fascinating.

              I don’t think feeling middley on kids gets enough acknowledgement as a boringly routine possibility experienced by many.

            1. Falling Diphthong*

              In that case–so long as you’re worried that you aren’t feeling 100% gung ho, rather than thinking that actually you don’t want to ever have kids–I think you’ll be fine.

              I wasn’t a mom on the fence, but I’ve known those who were, dads too, and–just like people who had all sorts of life plans that got upended by becoming guardian to a young person who hadn’t even appeared on their carefully made life chart–they became good parents who loved their kids and were thrilled to have them.

              Also, the species is set up so that most kids, provided average parenting, turn out fine. It’s not some narrow shining path where if you ever slip to the side even once your child is doomed to grow demon horns and a tail.

            2. NewMom*

              I’d recommend sitting down and talking a lot about expectations, then.

              My husband 100% has always wanted kids. I used to be certain (I was when we married 6 years ago), then ended up on the fence. But I got to the point of feeing like it was a now or never thing. And so we went for it.

              It has been very, very hard not to resent my husband for not stepping up more to care for the baby or me when I was pregnant. Pregnancy was very, very hard on me, and he did not do more around the house when I was hypotensive and hypoglycemic (and therefore prone to fainting). My body didn’t heal right, and I’m waiting until I have accrued enough sick time/PTO to schedule surgery. I do nights alone, even though we both work full time (baby still wakes up 2x a night at 8 months old). He can sleep through the baby screaming, so I’ve had to turn down a lot of work travel that is important to my career. He also has strong feelings about breastfeeding, and every time I bring up dropping a pumping session at work and then giving the baby 1 formula bottle a day, I get the worst guilt trip.

              I love my son. But it is very hard not to be angry at my husband for persuading me to have a kid with him, and then having him abdicate so much responsibility for the tiny human. It would be easier, I think, if I had really wanted to have a child, if I would have made the choice to reproduce on my own. Instead, at times it feels like I had a baby *for* my husband. Through pregnancy and now breastfeeding, my body is not my own. That is difficult to deal with.

              This happens often with men who claim to want to raise children equally. My husband does fewer chores around the house now than before the baby came (because he’s “tired”). He has always wanted a second and I have put my foot down. I’m not doing it again unless I see real, significant improvements. So far, he has not stepped up.

              1. ten-four*

                I think you SHOULD be angry at your husband – I’M angry at your husband just reading this. His behavior is unconscionable – guilting you over formula? Not taking care of you? Not taking ANY night wake-ups? Absolutely not, my dude. I have an under-one baby and an older kid, and I can’t imagine trying to do it with such spotty and lame partner support.

                I strongly, strongly suggest you get yourselves into couples therapy stat, because his selfish behavior and your valiant efforts to not hate him have to be chipping away at your marriage. He’s got to step up, and a good therapist might help you figure out ways to manage this.

                1. Falling Diphthong*

                  Seconding both parts of this. My husband wanted kids–since we both did, we didn’t discuss how much relative to each other–but I drove the timing, and he absolutely looked after me and the kids. Including as infants, even if he is personally more interested in the points where you can make train sets.

                  I developed some health problems later on (e.g. I can’t mow because of asthma), and he also steps up to handle those things. That’s my basis for what marriage is supposed to look like–maybe not what you pictured when it was all future abstraction (we met at 18) but you both step up to deal with the pitches life hurls across your mutual plate.

              2. Bobbin Ufgood*

                I agree — BE ANGRY! don’t fight it!

                He is NOT pulling his weight! my husband didn’t hear the kids either. So when it was his turn, I kicked him until he got up. Yes, you still have to be awake to kick him, but if you are consistent, eventually, he starts hearing the kid (and he also realizes how much the kid is keeping you awake)

                Also — GO ON THE TRIP — he’ll figure it out. AND DON’T PREP ALL THE MEALS, either. DON’T HELP HIM — JUST GO!
                The best thing ever for lazy dads is experiencing what it actually takes to care for their child for more than just a Saturday afternoon.

                He doesn’t get ANY SAY anymore on whether you breastfeed — he could weigh in if he were helping, but even then, he’d only be allowed to express an opinion. YOU DECIDE! they are YOUR BREASTS, for goodness’s sake! Do whatever you want starting NOW!

                I agree with counseling, but I wonder if you should go alone first — you need some support realizing that you are putting up with a lot from him — he shouldn’t get to tell his “side” at this point!

              3. Anna*

                I’m so sorry your husband is letting you down! I agree with the other commenters you might need to make him step up whether he wants to or not. Pump some breastmilk and go on a work trip! I would not consider parenthood if I thought I would lack a true coparent.

              4. mrs__peel*

                “He also has strong feelings about breastfeeding, and every time I bring up dropping a pumping session at work and then giving the baby 1 formula bottle a day, I get the worst guilt trip. ”

                This is 100% ABSOLUTELY NOT OKAY!! I would seriously recommend counseling because this is a serious issue, and you have every right to feel angry about it.

        2. NewMom*

          I still look at my almost 8 month old and think “OMG WHAT HAVE I DONE I CAN’T UNDO THIS?!”
          It’s fleeting, but I’m pretty sure it’s normal.

          I had a terrible pregnancy and a colic-y newborn, and somehow I’ve still found the existential weirdness of it all to be the dominant experience.

    2. Ender*

      If you don’t really want a baby I don’t think you should have one. It’s not fair on the kid. Just make sure you aren’t going to change your mind later or you will increase the risk of death or disability for future kids, which also isn’t fair.

      1. TL -*

        That’s a really unfair stance to take – Anna has every right to wait to have kids if that’s what she wants. The risks do increase, but not by that much, and it’s not unfair to the kids if the parents are on the older side.

        1. LDN Layabout*

          Yup, life will happen whether the parents are older or younger.

          In my case? Young parents didn’t stop my mum getting a terminal illness when I was a toddler. My half-brother has a much easier childhood than I did, with parents who were 40+ when he was born.

          I also have cousins who were second marriage babies and lost their parents in a two year span as teens.

          It’s just /life/.

        2. Ender*

          A few more months won’t make a difference, but once you get over 35 every year you wait increases the risk of infertility, miscarriage and disability. Statistics don’t care about your rights. I’ve lost two babies and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. It’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.

          If you want to have kids ever, and you are in a position where your relationship, living situation and career can handle it, don’t hang about. If you don’t want to have kids then don’t. But far too many people keep putting the decision off again and again without acknowledging that doing so is a decision in itself.

          1. Courageous cat*

            Yeah but rights don’t care about statistics either. A woman’s reproductive rights are no business but her own, and that doesn’t just apply to abortion.

            1. Lissa*

              Sure, but nobody is talking about legally restricting someone’s rights here! I think talking about the practicalities of the situation in a thread where someone specifically asked for opinions is hardly the same thing as taking away someone’s ability to make a decision they don’t agree with.

            3. Ender*

              I don’t get wtf you are dragging abortion into this for. Op asked for opinion, I’m not standing outside her house with a placard insisting she get pregnant now or else. My point is valid. I’ve been to lots of miscarriage association meetings and they are mostly women in their mid to late thirties. Some of whom have had 3 miscarriages and are devastated coz they will probably be childless forever.

              So yeah, it is absolutely everyone’s “right” to wait until they are too old to successfully carry to term, but when someone actually asks my opinion I will always tell them that waiting is a choice and they should be conscious of that when they make it, not just drift into permanent involuntary childlessness by constantly pushing the decision further and further down the road.

              I don’t randomly walk up to 35 year olds and tell them to get knocked up, I only say this when someone actually asks. Like just happened here.

              So get off your prochoice soap box because abortion wasn’t even part of this discussion till you shoehorned it in.

              1. Ask a Manager* Post author

                Hey, this is too heated for this site. Please rein it in. (That said, I agree that it was clear you weren’t talking about rights and that was an odd turn for things to take. But I don’t see anyone on a “pro-choice soapbox” here, just a commenter making a comparison.)

                1. Ender*

                  Fair enough I got a bit annoyed there but I thought her comment was waaaay out of line.

                  I’m a bit annoyed with all these people assuming I’m trying to police other people’s choices or that I’m ablist because I answered a question asking for advice. It’s not like I came on here and said “every woman should have a baby at 35, fight me”. I was responding to a request for help with a decision with my opinion on a very important thing to consider when making such a decision and I’m getting dogpiled. It’s way out of order.

                  If op didn’t want people commenting on her repoductive decisions she wouldn’t have posted the question in the first place.

                2. JamieS*

                  You’re not looking hard enough if you don’t see an issue with other comments and/or don’t see Ender has been provoked numerous times in this thread. Anna asked for advice on trying for a child and Ender said that if Anna and her husband are sure they want kids then it’s better to have kids younger than older because it’s lower risk which is true.

                  In response to that reasonable post others have responded as though Ender said disabled people are worthless and all women’s reproductive rights should be revoked. She made a point about age being a factor in pregnancy risk she didn’t advocate burning down Planned Parenthood or putting all disabled people on a train out of town and some posters are behaving like she did.

          2. Chameleon*

            It increases the risk, but the risk still remains fairly low. Most women over 35 have perfectly healthy children (incuding me, at 36!)

      2. PNW_Flowers*

        Also, this is a super discriminatory stance. To tell someone to not parent because their child *might* have a disability is hugely insulting to both the letter writer and people with disabilities who, news flash! Have meaningful and wonderful lives. Furthermore, here’s a fun fact: typical children get cancer, have traumatic accidents, get to college and suffer a psychotic break- the lack of a disability is not a free pass to a perfect or healthy life. This is a disgusting attitude. It’s like telling someone “don’t have a baby, you might have a girl/gay kid/darker skinned then you want”. So gross. You need to do some self-reflection.

        1. Green*

          To be fair, it’s not just risks for the baby that go up with mother’s age, it’s risks to the mother as well – more miscarriages, pregnancy complications, stillbirths.

        2. Ender*

          My brother has a severe disability and I am very in favour of disabled people’s rights. I am not in favour of people doing things that increase the risk of their child having a disability because disability is a horrible thing to experience. If someone came on here and said “I’m thinking of getting pregnant, should I keep smoking?” I would reply “no you should give up smoking because it’s not fair to intentionally risk giving your baby a serious illness or disability”. That doesn’t mean I think people with disabilities are lesser human beings, it means I think people who intentionally risk giving their kids disabilities are selfish.

          I have no problem with people waiting until they are ready to have babies, I didn’t have my first pregnancy till I was 33 and my last one I was 37. But it sounds like OP is as ready as she will ever be, given that she already made the decision to do so with her husband, so at this stage waiting is pointless and will not make her “more ready” it will just increase the risks with no benefit. The time has come to decide yes or no.

          Op asked for advice to help her make the decision, I gave her my advice. She can choose to ignore it if she wants. But please don’t accuse me of being ablist just because I think it is selfish to take a risk of causing another person to have a disability, when there is no good reason to take that risk.

    3. Loopy*

      I’ve always been on the fence. I do agree with those that say if you aren’t sure, don’t do it. But that’s coming from someone who is not bothered by adopting if I change my mind when it’s too late to have/carry my own. Which helps me not feel the need to decide NOW. I do respect that others feel very strongly about having their own biological child/experiencing pregnancy.

      Since that’s not as important to me, I figure I’ll just wait until I’m off the fence, if that ever happens. Hopefully it doesn’t happen way past the age where you can even adopt though. I do still worry a little about regrets much later in life.

      1. Ender*

        If your backup plan is adoption make sure you know how that works where you live. Hopefully you already have done your research but lots of people say “oh we can always adopt” and don’t realise how long the waiting lists are or how much it costs.

      2. Valancy Snaith*

        In many places if it’s too late to carry your own it’s too late to adopt as well. Rules and regulations about adopting (and the most attractive potential adoptive families) have tightened things so much that it’s become extremely difficult to adopt, is terribly expensive, and can take several years.

        1. Susan Ryan*

          Not true. If you want a perfect white baby then you have to wait. If you are willing to broaden your search-surprise-you have many babies to choose from. In Nevada, the mother wants baby returned wait is 72 hours. After the court papers are signed at 72 hours, birth mother and father cannot repossess. Once you have adopted the first child, hold on because the agency will be calling you soon with a second and third offer. Not cheap but doable

      3. Loopy*

        Thanks to both replies. I did know it was expensive due to some friends adopting, and had some idea age mattered (from TV…er…) but I always thought I’d have until around late 30s before the age thing was an obstacle. Better look into that more closely though….

        1. Someone Else*

          It really depends. Many private adoption agencies have age restrictions. The most common one I’m familiar with is the combined age of parents can’t exceed 100. So yeah, if you’re talking late 30s, unless you have a significantly older partner, I’d expect you to be fine. Also if you consider adopting out of foster care, it’s significantly less expensive and the age restrictions are usually less. But you’d need to open to a child who has experienced trauma, which not everyone is up to, but it is an option. It still often takes 1-2 years to complete the process, but the more open you are criteria-wise, generally the faster it can happen.

          1. Loopy*

            I’m so glad I commented in this thread. Thank you for these considerations. I’d always thought of it in such vague terms but in the next 1-2 years I’ll have to sit down and do some real research. I’m 30 now so in the past decade I’ve never had to think long and hard about it but the time seems quite near now.

          2. Ender*

            Also even foster care isn’t a given. In my country uou can’t foster anyone who is more than 40 years younger than you so if your partner was 45 you would only be able to foster a 5+ year old for example. Also you need to have a full time stay at home parent to foster here so one of you would have to quit your job.

            Also rules on adoption and fostering take all sorts of health conditions into account like if you’ve ever had depression or cancer for example.

            1. mrs__peel*

              A full-time stay at home parent is not required in most states for foster parenting. Generally, the rules are just that you have to be able to financially support yourself without the foster care stipend.

              Where I live (upstate NY), full-time daycare is provided for foster parents who work outside the home. I think that’s also fairly common.

    4. Vin Packer*

      I always advise people mulling the “should I have kids” question to think behind babies.

      When you see a mom and her goofy 7-year-old out and about, does your heart feel like it wants that? What a mom and her awkward and strangely groomed preteen?

      Babies are a LOT (and also ridiculously adorable, like human puppies), but parenting is only about babies for a short time. I think putting babies and pregnancy in perspective of the big picture can help with the decision either way. Good luck!

        1. Bumpjumper*

          This is good insight. I had 4 babies in 6 years and while in the trenches it felt like the baby years were going to last forever. Then I turned around and suddenly everyone is an actual person with opinions, capable of buckling themselves into the car. We are in a completely different stage of parenting now and I’ve finally figured out that this is temporary, so I’d better enjoy the good parts before we fly to the next stage. Good luck with your decision—I never felt on the fence so I cannot speak to that aspect, but I admire your thoughtfulness—if you decide to go for it, the just fact that you were so mindful in your decision speaks volumes in your ability to parent.

          1. Vin Packer*

            Ha, buckling themselves in the car is always my go-to example too! Something about leaving the house without having to secure a million straps feels so luxurious :-D

      2. Parenthetically*

        Yes, absolutely this! Babies in general were not and are still not my jam. I absolutely love love love 4 and 5 year olds, and then 13+. But in general, you gotta get through the baby years to get to the “big kid” years, so we went for it. I’m surprised at how much fun I’ve had in the midst of the hard first year getting to know this tiny blue-eyed nutcase, and at how much I’m looking forward to another itty bitty one (hopefully) in the next year.

        I know the saying “the days are long, but the years are short” is seriously threadbare, but there’s some truth to it. The first night feels like it lasts forever, but also here we are more than a year later with a toddler all of a sudden?! Parenting littles is INTENSE, but it really is a short season.

        1. Armchair Expert*

          This is the first time I’ve ever read/heard someone saying that the primary school years weren’t their favourite! My kids are 7 and 10, and everyone says these are the golden years, because they can get their own breakfast and entertain themselves but the hormones haven’t kicked in yet.

          Would you humour me and tell me why you prefer 13+? It would be nice to not dread it!

          1. Parenthetically*

            Absolutely! I HATED being a teenager, particularly a young teenager, so I come from a place of a lot of empathy for the awkwardness, the mood swings, the hormones, the burgeoning adulthood + lingering childlikeness. I love feeling like I can help guide kids through a genuinely hard season with strength and kindness, and provide some ballast to their lives. Also, you can have the most fun conversations with kids that age! Deep, philosophical stuff as well as completely silly what-ifs. I think 13+ is when they really learn how to be themselves, and with guidance and kindness and empathy and boundaries and a willingness to sit with hard emotions, it can be a time of JOYFUL exploration and growth.

    5. ronda*

      if you dont want to … dont (I am not cause I dont want to)

      but I will say, most people seem pretty crazy about their kids and they figure out how to deal with them. I am sure you will be able to figure it out if you do decide to do it.

    6. absolutely anon for this*

      One thing to think about is – you are not just having a baby. You are having a one year old, a toddler, a kindergartner, a teenager. The baby stage is fleeting and the little person you’ve brought into the world keeps growing and changing and goes through many different phases. Some of them will be difficult.

      My kids are 15 and 17 now. I’ll be honest, it has not been easy. It’s been expensive and often times draining and has really tested our partnership. We started later in life and my husband will be 60 when our first starts college.

      Would I have done it again? Absolutely. Would my husband? Honestly, I am not sure.

    7. Ranon*

      Honestly, we went for it not when we wanted a baby, but when we were pretty sure we wanted a five year old in five years. The baby phase is pretty short and their needs are pretty simple even if they are intense. I agree with the other commenters- figure out if you want a child, at all the ages you’ll have a child for, not if you want a baby. You’ll get through the baby phase no matter what, but after that they’re toddlers and little kids and big kids and tweens and teenagers and adults!

      1. NewMom*

        ^This.
        I am super looking forward to having a 5+ year old. I love teenagers. Getting to the 5+ range is going to be a long slog, but we’ll get there.

        1. King Friday XIII*

          Everyone told us we’d want the infant years back and… no way. Tuesday is WAY more fun as a four year old than as a pooping, crying football.

        3. Windchime*

          The baby years were OK for me, except for the screaming, colicky newborn part. But the teenage years were amazingly fun (as well as frustrating). My house was full of kids and I made a lot of spaghetti and brownies. There were lots of activities at their school and it was just a really busy, fun time.

    9. Enough*

      Have 3. Had all these feelings at one time or another before and during each pregnancy. That includes the one of the three where we had to actively try to get pregnant, as in thankfully relatively minor medical assistance. The unknown is always scary.

    10. PNW_Flowers*

      I wasn’t on the fence (I’ve wanted kids since I was about 6) but once I got pregnant with my first I had an “oh my gosh what did we do! We can’t undo this!!” And yes, it’s much much harder then I ever anticipated but it’s so good. And in the hard parts I look forward to my thanksgiving table 25 years from now, and all the lovely parts in between. It won’t be sleep deprivation forever.

      1. Anna*

        Thank you for the link! This part really speaks to me: “If a magic baby fairy had come to me when I was childless and 34 and promised to grant me another ten years of fertility and good knees so I could live a while longer in the serene, feline-focused, fabulously unfettered life I had, I’d have taken it in a flash. I, too, had spent my adult years assuming that someday, when it came to becoming a mother, I’d “just know.” I, too, placed myself on the leave-me-the-fuck-alone end on the “grand gradient of the human condition.” I decided to become pregnant when I did because I was nearing the final years of my fertility and because my desire to do this thing that everyone said was so profound was just barely stronger than my doubts about it were.”

    12. Caity Megs*

      I think having reservations is actually a sign that you’ll be a good parent. You’re looking at the pros and cons realistically, and not just painting a rosy picture of “having a kid will make everything perfect!”. Your life WILL change drastically, so it’s good to ask yourself the hard questions while you are making your decisions. Are you okay with not being able to do things as freely as you can now? How will you and your partner handle added stress and less focus on your own relationship? How will a child impact you financially?

      Don’t worry about “breaking” the baby though :) I had never even changed a diaper when I had my first baby, and I was nervous about even holding her! As soon as she arrived, all of those little things went out the window and we have figured out the day-to-day stuff as we go along. Our kids are our greatest source of joy now, and it’s so fun navigating life through their eyes. Things aren’t always easy, and there are plenty of gross moments, but I know with each passing year that I’ll look back fondly at raising them and helping them grow. Whatever you decide, you may have regrets from time to time, but try to make the best of whatever situation you choose. Good luck!

      1. no name this time*

        I agree with this SO MUCH! If this whole parenthood thing doesn’t make you nervous, you are not paying attention :)

        I also really appreciate all the people on this thread reminding everyone that you aren’t having a baby, you’re having a person, with all the different stages, with all that entails.

        Also, I always wanted kids, babysat, was a camp counselor, had a younger sibling, and eventually became a licensed pediatrician before I had my first kid, and I was so sure I would break her when I got home! that part is normal

    13. Gloucesterina*

      Anna – I don’t have any experience with intentional pregnancy–my son started off as a ‘surprise’ as they say, when we’d previously planned on being a family of two employed and literate adults (my son is neither, although that could change over time). It does sound super freaky and weird! I am sending you warm thoughts as you navigate this crazy thing that I literally have no conception of, in all senses of the phrase.

    14. Anne-non*

      We’ve just started trying for our first child and I totally feel where you’re at. We’ve talked for years about wanting children (we both definitely want them), and yet it still feels terrifying! What are we doing? What if it doesn’t work? What if it works right away and we have a baby in like less than a year from now?! I think for me a lot of the issue is that I tend to be a somewhat anxious person and a planner. And there’s no amount of planning that will take a away the unpredictability and uncertainty of pregnancy and child birth. So I’m trying to let go and go with the flow…but it’s hard.

      Would you by any chance also be prone to anxiety about new/unknown things? Think about other times when you have had doubts about something. In those instances, were the doubts an over-reaction coming from anxiety, or were they your gut telling you that something wasn’t the right choice? It’s normal to be a bit scared because this is a BIG. NEW. THING. you are about to try!

      1. Anna*

        Yep I am a rather anxious person. I consider every way things can go wrong, which is a rather long list with pregnancy/kids. I probably just need to jump off the cliff but it’s so scary!

    15. Kms1025*

      Children are wonderful, and scary, and fill your heart, and break your heart. I am so glad I have them, but it’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. And, absolutely the most rewarding. Don’t look at it for any magical payout at the end of some period of time. You’ll work to get there and it’s almost never a Hallmark or Norman Rockwell moment. But it’s yours, and it’s theirs, and it will be what it will be. Becoming a parent helped me to understand my own parents. Becoming a parent helped me to learn to look at the world from outside of myself and not to have such a narrow (and I’ll admit it, selfish and self centered) point of view. I highly recommend becoming a parent, fears and love and all : )

    16. Anon for this*

      I was on the fence but decided I wanted them, and my kids are now 4 and 5. And honestly? If I could go back in time, I might choose to stay childfree. I realize that is the kind of thought that is generally supposed to stay inside your head, but hey, it’s the internet so I can have some anonymity here. Obviously I knew that having kids would be a ton of work and that there would be sacrifices…but actually living with it every day has been much more overwhelming than I had ever imagined. I miss spontaneity. Randomly deciding to go out to eat, see a movie, visit friends, etc. Sleeping in. Just sitting around doing absolutely nothing on my days off work. Don’t get me wrong – I love my kids. They can be heartwarming and hilarious and now that they are here I would 100% give my life for them if it came down to it. But it’s not uncommon for me to find myself thinking about how much less stressful my life would be if we had stayed childfree. Because right now I am just constantly exhausted.

      I’m hoping this will change as they get older. I’m admittedly not a baby/little kid person; my job has me working with teens because that is my favorite age group. And obviously once they’re teens it will be no big deal to not watch cartoons all day, leave them home alone for a couple of hours if we need a date night, they’ll probably want to sleep in too, etc. Or maybe not – one of my kids has a disability, and until we see how that progresses I can’t be sure that my future looks too much different from right now.

      1. Anna*

        Thank you for your honesty. I admit that this is one of my fears, that some years down the road I will be overwhelmed and regretful. But I’ll have two sets of grandparents in the area and this would be their first grandchild so I’m hoping they can help mitigate the overwhelmed part.

        1. Grapey*

          As a corollary to the poster you replied to, and as a childfree person, I never find myself thinking about the ‘alternate choice’ of “how nice a baby might be” so try to conciously remember where your thoughts lead you on a daily basis. Maybe it’s society or your parents or (worse) your partner that is hoping your thoughts go one way vs another.

          If you’re content TODAY not having kids, you might not actually need them. If you want to play a special role to a younger person, you could always mentor. That way you get to be around the age range you actually like instead of bemoaning “oh this was a terrible age” like some people are doing here. I LOVE 10-13 year old girls and I get to mentor a fresh batch of them every year through a local organization while going home to sleep and wake in peace and quiet.

      2. mrs__peel*

        I really appreciate your honesty! I’m in my late 30s, also kind of on the fence, and really love sleeping and having time to myself.

        I’d bet that the feelings you’re describing are actually pretty common, but many people don’t feel like they can openly talk about them. (A lot of people came forward and said similar things when Ann Landers opened up an anonymous forum about it years ago). A fair number of people have probably had kids because it was the expected thing or because they lacked access to birth control, and not necessarily because they really wanted to. It’s good that there’s a bit less pressure these days and that (hopefully) people feel like they can talk about it honestly.

    17. Ree*

      Are you me?
      Because my husband and I also decided early this year that in fall I would go off birth control(for the second time, we tried last fall for 4 months, found out I have endometriosis(which like, I’ve been on continuous birth control since I was 16 and had NO IDEA I have this incredibly painful disease) and after 4 months of trying I went back on birth control to like, readjust and heal. Endometriosis is…awful. It’s made me afraid to try again because of the pain and discomfort I experienced last year.
      Anyway. I stopped the birth control two weeks ago and I’m using ovulation test strips because I want to get pregnant FAST because of it takes more than about 6 months I’m not sure I can push through the endometriosis pain for longer than that.
      I’m also afraid of:
      I won’t get pregnant
      I will get pregnant
      I’ll ruin our lives
      We’ll ruin our lives
      This might be a mistake
      What if our child is awful
      What if our child is great
      I/We might really regret this

      So, I’m feeling all the things. I turn 30 in February and we’ll probably reevaluate them if I(we) keep trying or look into other options(adoption, getting another puppy, keep trying)
      Basically, I don’t know what I’m supposed to be feeling right now, but I’m right there with you, Anna

      1. no name this time*

        for what it’s worth, sometimes having a pregnancy can really improve endometriosis — not that that’s a reason to get pregnant, but still

        Also, for what it’s worth, the only time I regret having kids is when I fall into the competitive parenting trap and let other people tell me what I’m SUPPOSED to be doing with/for my kids, or how I am CERTAINLY going to mess them up if I do ABC or don’t XYZ.

        If you bottle feed and let them watch TV, they will actually still be okay, I promise!

      2. Anna*

        Hi there, other me! I would not be surprised to find out I have endo since I have the kind of cramps that require taking motrin round the clock. I’ll be hitting the doctor’s office if going off the pill doesn’t go well.

    18. I Wrote This in the Bathroom*

      I had the “OMG what have I done” thoughts both when I got pregnant with the first (accident), and when I stopped birth control to have the second. Also when we got a dog. Ended up really enjoying all three of those additions to my family, I’m just the kind of person that needs a lot of time to adjust to a major change.

      1. Aussie Teacher*

        Aaaand the West Coast Eagles won in a tense finish over Collingwood, Australia’s most hated team! Woohoo!!!

      2. Marion Ravenwood*

        Such a tense finish! Both teams would have been worthy winners though. (I’m a Richmond fan, so I didn’t really have a dog in the fight, but from a neutral’s perspective it was very entertaining to watch!)

        1. Parenthetically*

          Oh, condolences on not getting into the Grand Final like literally everyone thought you would! (I’m a Geelong supporter and our post-season was… not impressive.)

          1. Marion Ravenwood*

            I’m not sure if you’re being sarcastic (apologies if you’re not and I’m misreading tone!), but I do think I was the only person who kept thinking we were going to lose at every single stage of the finals. I’ve learnt from following other sports teams (like my Premiership football team in the UK, who haven’t won the league in over 20 years) that getting your hopes up in these situations rarely ends well…

            1. Parenthetically*

              I really really am not being sarcastic! I have a lot of time for the Tiges. Such an awesome team culture.

    2. TheNotoriousMCG*

      I’m in grad school and one of our international students hosted a watch party for it! I didn’t understand any single moment of it – how do they keep track of each other?! How do they not get totally disoriented? It was very entertaining, especially at 1am after a long rehearsal

    3. Parenthetically*

      Oh my GOODNESS, what a stunner! We got up in the middle of the night to watch and were super depressed for the first half that Collingwood were going to win.

  7. T3k*

    Anyone have moving advice? We’re not moving far (30 mins. away at most) but this will be the first time as an adult for me so I have no clue what to do (and I don’t think throwing things into boxes and calling it packed will suffice). Also depending on factors we may only have half a day to actually move out and into the new place (though we’re working on trying to have more time).

    1. Loose Seal*

      Pack one box with everything you need to get at right away. I actually usually use a spare suitcase for this but if you use a box, mark it well and pack it last so it’s first off the truck in your new place.

      Here’s what you want in it:

      A roll of toilet paper
      Any medicines you have to take that evening and next morning
      Sheets / blankets for all the beds
      Shower curtain (if your new place doesn’t have shower doors)
      Stuff for showering (soap, loofahs, towels, washcloths, etc)
      Stuff to eat and drink on moving day (water glasses for tap water and/or bottled water, protein bars, fruit, etc.)
      Pet food and bowls, if necessary
      Toys and/or iPad to keep young kids entertained and out of the way, if necessary

      When you get to the new place, immediately set up the beds and put on the sheets and blankets. Then hang the shower curtain and put out the shower stuff. Put your food and water in the kitchen where it’s easily found (I love to use the oven for this because you aren’t likely to be using it for anything else that day). Put out water for your pets. Make sure your medicines are where you can find them later.

      Then, and only then, start unpacking everything else. When you are exhausted at the end of the day, you will be glad to run through a quick shower and go to sleep in your fresh bed.

      (Ask me how many times I moved BEFORE it occurred to me to put the bedsheets somewhere I could find them)

      1. Jo0*

        This. I moved a few months ago. Label all your boxes and do a little inventory list for each one. Pack things within things. Use the opportunity to have a good clear out – rubbish, charity shops, recycle/upcycle/repair. Pack all the things you don’t need/don’t use regularly now – ornaments, pictures, spare room. Try and clean a little as you go along then it’s not a huge job before you actually move. Try and run down your cupboards/fridge/freezer. We had some strange meal combinations before we moved!

      2. Slartibartfast*

        Yup. And the things you want to get at First go on the truck Last. Half a day doesn’t seem like enough time, it’s going to be tight for a one bedroom apartment. Anything bigger seems unlikely to be done in that timeframe. It always amazes me how much “stuff” there is when you move it.

      3. Aphrodite*

        Good list. I would also add bar soap for washing hands and for showering, laundry soap and dishwashing soap (both for hand washing dishes and if you have it a dishwasher). Have a small box for each room that is labeled specially to be unpacked first. The kitchen one would have some silverware and dishes and glasses. The living room room one and the bedroom one would each have lightbulbs and maybe one lamp. The den or office one would have your essential paperwork and some pens.

        If you can take things over a few days beforehand make one trip per day after work and take over these essentials plus food in the refrigerator and freezer. Make sure some of that food can be microwaved so you don’t need to cook lunch and dinner for the first two or three days. Lay out the stuff you take over so it’s put away neatly waiting for you.

        1. Marthooh*

          Lamps and lightbulbs are essentials I wouldn’t have thought of!

          Lamp, lightbulb, book, comfy chair…

      4. londonedit*

        The British version of the ‘box of moving essentials’ has a kettle, mugs and tea bags top of the list. You’ve got to be able to make a cup of tea when you arrive!

    2. Bagpuss*

      Declutter. try ot to move anything you don’t actually want, donate or toss it instead.
      Start packing ahead of time, begin wth the things you don’t need very often, those you can pack over days or weeks before the move so you are not too rushed.
      Label your boxes!! Write on them the room the stuff in them and roughly what is in the box (e.g. “Kitchen – baking trays and mixing bowls”) You might find it handy to have different colours of packing tape for each room, too.
      Think about how heavy stuff is. Pack heavy things (books etc ) in small boxes.
      If you are moving furniture that needs to be taken to pieces, put any screws etc into a bag and tape it to the bit of furniture it belongs to. ( and if you don’t still have the instructions, consider taking pictures of each stage as you dismantle it, to remind you how it fits together when you come to reassemble it)
      Consider buying proper hanging boxes to move clothes – the box comes with a rail so you can simply put clothes in the box on their hangers and move them that way. I had these last time I moved as I paid a real removal company, and it made life so much easier! If that isn’t an option,then borrowing suitases from your friends to move your clothes may be useful.
      Pack a bag each with enough clothes etc for a few days, and keep that separate. Thast way, you have the essentials to hand without having to unpack everything.
      As Loose Seal says, pack a box with essentials – toilet roll, food, drink (and any cutlery or crockery you are likely to need), cleaning products as you may well find you need to do a bit of cleaning in the new place before you unpack, (and maybe lightbulbs. I once moved house to find the previous owners had removed and taken with them every single light bulb in the place!)
      Make the beds FIRST when you move in. That way, when you are exhausted and need to stop unpacking for the night, you have somewhere to crash.(also put up curtains or blinds for the bedroom)
      Be realistic about how much and how fast you can move stuff. Rent a van if you need to. Does your area have people offering ‘man and van’ type services? – often much cheaper then actual removal companies but can give you a lot of extra muscle at low cost!
      If yu are having friends help you move, feed them well and often.
      If you can, try to move on a Thursday or Friday so you have the weekend to get everything straight (if you work Mon-Fri). Thirsday can be better than Fri as it is less popular, so if you are hiring anything it may be cheaper, and if there is anything last minute in terms of admin or legalities, you can fix it before eveyone disappears for the weekend!

      1. Loose Seal*

        Last time we rented a U-Haul for a local move, they had a link to local people who you could hire locally for four hour increments. It was so cheap and they all came with reviews! I think we got 3 men for like $50 for 4 hours. We tipped them each a huge amount because that worked out to like 4 bucks an hour for them. But even with a monstrous tip, it was cheaper than using real movers. Caveat: These guys weren’t real movers so they didn’t know how to move the big things as well. I was worried someone would hurt themselves.

        1. Reba*

          We did a similar thing through a different rental company. It was definitely a low budget business but the guys were awesome! I strongly recommend this if you can afford it. (We also tipped heavily, in part because one of the guys got stuck in the fritzy freight elevator for a while :| )

          My other piece of advice I always give (I have moved across the country 5 times plus numerous local moves) might be less critical for an in-town move. But it’s not to try to save money on boxes. Just get good quality (U-Haul) boxes. Most U-haul rental places that also sell supplies have an area where people bring back once-used boxes, so look for that.

        2. Auntie Social*

          If you’re redecorating for the new place—-we had the upholsterer pick up the sofas to be re-covered before the move, then they delivered them to the new house. Saved a lot of room in the truck and could save you moving costs.

    3. acmx*

      For local moves, I leave clothes in the drawers and just remove the drawers before moving the base and reinsert once in the truck. Clothes on hangars i would just pull off the rod and put them into a box still on the hangar (formal wear etc I wouldn’t do this with).

      I use towels, t shirts, pillow cases to wrap fragile items or as a cushion on the bottom of the box.

      I use suitcases and other bags to pack in.

      Keep track of your box cutter!

      Consider movers. I paid less than $300 for 3 hours (min charge). Of course this is area dependent. This was for a small move (30 boxes [lots of books!] and furniture).

    4. BeenThere*

      What Loose Seal said but also make sure there is a coffee maker and coffee in that box too if you’re a coffee drinker!! We learned that lesson the hard way the first (of many) time we moved!

    5. Dear liza dear liza*

      Wardrobe boxes are the best. Great for anything on a hangar, plus you can throw all your shoes in the bottom.

      If you’re in the US, there’s a site called Hire A Helper that will book local professional movers for you in 2 hour increments. You provide and drive the truck, they load and unload. Much cheaper than a full on move, but the labor is still professional. I’m a satisfied customer.

      Oh, and don’t worry when you hit the “let’s just throw everything in a dumpster and start over” wall; we’ve all been there. Packing and unpacking is the pits.

    6. Perpetua*

      I’ll be moving in 2 months, so I feel you!

      Others already gave some great advice, and one tip that helped me in the last move: pack books (or other similar heavy things) in suitcases.

    7. WellRed*

      Hire people, most places have small local companies that aren’t expensive. My days of trying to bribe friends with beer and pizza are ovah!

      1. No Tribble At All*

        Seconded!! If you only have half a day, that could be a crunch depending on how much stuff you have. I had friends help me move a one-bedroom apt with a 24 hour deadline, and we literally got the last stuff out at the 23rd hour. (They are good friends. I owe them a million). Pay people who know how to help you move.

    8. No Tribble At All*

      See if there are any self-storage places near new!place that have deals on first month’s rent. I did that when I moved out of college because I knew where my job would be but didn’t have the apartment yet. That way I could move most of my stuff to the new town ahead of time. We found a storage place that had $1 first month’s rent (but you still have to pay for insurance and some other fees, so it was maybe $50-$100 total?). This way you can move books, winter clothes, decorations, and other non-critical boxes to the new area ahead of time. Gives you more time for the big day! :)

    9. Dr. Anonymous*

      Try to measure the new place and draw out a floor plan of where every piece of furniture will go. It makes moving in faster. Definitely declutter a LOT. Try to pack like things with like things. Label by room and roughly by content. Do not empty dressers except to wrap fragile things. Buy clean newsprint to wrap your dishes so you don’t have to wash them to put them away. Pack your pictures separately. You don’t have to hang those for DAYS. The things you don’t need right away, like books and knickknacks can be packed right now…and anything that can be packed right now because you don’t need it may be something you can just get rid of.

    10. Lcsa99*

      Great responses above! The only other thing I would add is to label all the cables for electronics at both ends of whatever they are plugged into and take pictures before you unhook things. It makes setting everything up again so much easier!

    11. Seal*

      I just moved halfway across the country 3 months ago, so all of this is fresh in my mind. In addition to all of the above, it would add/emphasize:

      Take anything valuable with you rather than in the moving van. This includes things like birth certificates, passports, jewelry, laptops, cameras, etc.

      Start decluttering and getting rid of things NOW, if you’ve not already done so. The less you have to move the easier it is.

      I mostly used newsprint paper to pack my breakable/fragile items and it worked great. You can order a bundle on Amazon (I would have used regular newspaper but I only get the online version these days – can’t use that for packing material!). Wrapping larger things in towels works well, too.

      Packing and unpacking take longer than you think. Give yourself more time than you think you need on the front and and take your time unpacking once you get to your place.

      Good luck with your move!

    12. kc89*

      if you haven’t already, start decluttering and packing TODAY

      it’s so much easier when you start early instead of waiting until the week before like so many people do

      be ruthless, those things that you don’t really use but feel like you should hold onto just in case? get rid of them

    13. KR*

      Check with your local grocery store for boxes! A lot of times they will be willing to hold onto their boxes for a day or so and you can pick up a ton of them at once. My favorite are the boxes the cereal comes in – they’re a good size and they smell sugary. Also good are the boxes plastic bags come in. They’re small and built well since plastic bags are very heavy. They’re good for books and other heavy things.

        1. Liza*

          And if you leave the cardboard bottle dividers in the boxes, they’re great for breakable items such as stemware and vases.

      2. Earthwalker*

        Someone told me to check Craigslist for free boxes from people who just moved. I’d already scrounged mine from behind the second hand store, the Halloween pop-up, and the vacuum repair place, but I Craigslisted my leftovers and thought that was a handy way to recycle.

        1. KR*

          Oh this too. I live in a community where people move very often. There are always people willing to get rid of boxes. When I have too many for the work dumpster I make a Facebook post on our community page and people come.

      3. mrs__peel*

        The best ones are the egg boxes from the dairy department (which are long with good handles).

    14. Caity Megs*

      Start packing the things you don’t need as soon as possible. Packing WILL take longer than you expect.

      Start getting rid of things you don’t use. There’s nothing more annoying than moving stuff that you never unbox or get rid of after the move!

      We got a big set of label stickers on Amazom that were color coded with room names on them. It made it really easy to slap on while boxing, then tell the movers “all red stickers go here, green here, etc.”

      Hire help if you can! Moving is exhausting.

      Leave your clothes on hangers and just pull a big trash bag over them (from the bottom so the hangars are poking out the hole). Way better than folding/unpacking all your clothes. Just a hang and take off the trash bag! But maybe get trash bags that are a different color than real trash (and definitely get unscented).

    15. The Person from the Resume*

      Unless you have very few things, half a day doesn’t sound do-able.

      Of course you can pack everything in boxes beforehand and you can even get the truck for two days and pack it the day before the actual move.

      Hire professionals. Also you’ll probably need more boxes, packing material, and space than you expect. Luckily you can return extra boxes, etc, to the Uhaul store or other place you bought them.

    16. Fellow Traveler*

      Buy a huge pack of Sharpies. Always have one on hand.
      We rented reusable boxes. Because we knew we had to return them two days after we moved, we were really motivated to unpack quickly.

    17. Mananana*

      Our last move was local, we did the packing ourselves but hired movers to move the boxes/big stuff.

      I used packing tape of different colors (yellow for kitchen, blue for 1st bedroom, red for 2nd, etc). Slapped appropriately-colored tape on the boxes, then a corresponding piece of tape on the door of that room. Even made a big poster board with arrows (blue to the right, yellow to the left, etc). This system saved us SO much time. We didn’t have to stop and figure out what room a box went in; a quick glance at the colored-tape was all we needed.

    18. mrs__peel*

      Useful thing I found out last time I moved: You can order empty boxes off the internet and have them shipped directly to you, rather than having to beg them from grocery stores or people you know.

      I would highly recommend hiring movers if you have any substantial amount of furniture, books, etc. (Especially books!) For an interstate move, I found it was cheapest to hire my own U-Haul truck and hire movers at both ends just for the loading and unloading. It’s worth paying for Angie’s List or something similar to see if the movers have good reviews.

  8. Pink Sprite*

    Any advice on how to be successful in therapy?
    I’m starting this week and really want it to go well and establish a good relationship with her. I’ve tried therapy several times in the past, but nothing really worked up. It’s VERY difficult for me to open up to someone.
    Any advice, ideas, books, websites, or personal anecdotes would be great. Thanks.

    2. HLK1219HLK*

      Listen to your gut and don’t be afraid to switch to another therapist if you just aren’t clicking with the first therapist. Everyone has different styles that work well in helping people for (x) but not (y). You deserve and are owed value for having the bravery to open up to another person, so don’t spend any time worrying about telling them you just don’t feel like you’re able to be as open as you want if their style doesn’t meet your needs.

      The best results I’ve been able to achieve are with those who get me out of only seeing things one way (and being a lifelong depressive, it’s not a good point of view) and help me try to look at my life or actions with a different lens. They should let you vent, get the emotions out – the cathartic moments are huge in getting over past trauma or hurts. However, it can’t JUST be venting because that cements me into a frame of mind that makes me think, “man, maybe I AM that Sad/Horrible/Etc”. They should help you through the purging of old problems by identifying, or helping you identify, potential solutions based on what will work for you.

      For example, I had a therapist and his solution was always “learn to eat bealthy foods and lose weight through at least 1-2 hours of exercise a day.” Oh, ok, sure, I’ll take 30+ years of failed diets & just suddenly become a gym rat, run a few marathons, take up yoga, and become skinny. Wow, thank you for that brilliant idea nobody oyher than EVERY FRIEND OR FAMILY MEMBER has ever told me.” My next therapist who better understood encouragsd me to only change one thing, and not stress about changing everything at once, because she knew once I did that one thing (walk for 15 minutes before dinner), and kept at it, it was a crack in the bad habits shell that could be widened to introduce other better habits over time.

      (Assuming you meant mental health therapy – just realized I made a big assumption).

      2. Harvey P. Carr*

        I love this post so much that I cut-and-pasted it and I’m going to keep it as inspiration to help me as I search for a new therapist. Talk therapy hasn’t worked for me but maybe that’s been because with all the therapists I’ve seen it’s basically just been me talking about whatever’s been going on with me lately and not really working on any problems.

        “For example, I had a therapist and his solution was always ‘learn to eat healthy foods and lose weight through at least 1-2 hours of exercise a day.’ Oh, ok, sure, I’ll take 30+ years of failed diets & just suddenly become a gym rat, run a few marathons, take up yoga, and become skinny.”

        And even if you did decide to take his advice… what was it, just “learn to eat healthy” and leave you at that? No advice and guidance on how to do it?

        Fooey.

      3. Not So NewReader*

        I am a big fan of the change one thing at a time approach. This allows a person to focus and do that one change to the best of their ability. And it allows the person to clearly identify the results of that change.

        As someone who has totally changed her diet to better foods, I cannot imagine trying to go to the gym on a regular basis PLUS change my diet (while working a 4o hour week with 2 hours of drive time and running a household). That is horrible advice. In my opinion the person is being set up to fail as they struggle to plan good meals and race to the gym X times per week. It’s pretty intense changing a poor diet to a good diet and that can use up a lot of time and brain space. And the money drain, oh my. The person is just grabbing at decisions because of not enough time to think the decision through, ends up with decisions that don’t work for them plus they are out all the money they sunk into the hasty decisions.

        My vote is always for incremental but steady changes. Once I figure out my life was better without milk, I could completely ditch milk and move on to considering what I would like to tweak next. I knew I felt better without milk because that was the only change I had made during that time frame, I felt confident about attributing my the improvements I was seeing in my health to eliminating milk from my diet. This motivated me to stay on course with the non-dairy milks, in a way that nothing else could. A doc telling me not to drink milk and a list of 99 other things would not have motivated me as strongly as seeing the difference first hand.

        With one change at a time we can see what is working and what is not working.

    3. Cedrus Libani*

      A therapist recommended “Feeling Good” by Dr. David Burns. It’s a good introduction to CBT, which is good therapy for practical-minded people who don’t like sitting around and talking about their feelings. No squishy stuff, no woo, just real-world strategies for dealing with maladaptive thoughts.

      Also, try to think of the therapist as a coach. You’re learning to wrestle brain weasels, and it’s hard to figure out what you’re doing wrong when you’re distracted by angry weasels. It helps to have a wrestling coach who can check your form, make corrections, and prescribe exercises to build up your weak points.

      1. foolofgrace*

        I second this book suggestion. If it’s the one I’m thinking of, I worked thru this book and it was immensely helpful — real-life Things To Do about maladaptive thoughts and especially that nasty inner negative critic, which was one of my problems. I still use the suggestions to this day when my inner negative critic comes out of hiding. It helps you to see the thoughts for what they actually are saying and deal with them.

      3. NoMoreMrFixit*

        I will add my recommendation for this book as well. I used it, went thru it cover to cover, then gave it away to someone who needed it. Bought a new copy a couple of years later to have as a reference when my depression flared up again. And gave that copy to another person who needed it more than I did again. Last I heard the folks I’d gifted them to had used them heavily and one person gave it to yet another needful soul. Nice to see a useful gift that keeps on being regifted.

    4. TL -*

      Some of it is just about fit with the therapist – the first time I went, I made myself basically tell my story and that was helpful (especially since it was privileged information and I knew he couldn’t tell anyone) but I just never clicked with him and the benefits were limited beyond that. Also, what I was dealing with was way out of his league in terms of what he usually saw students for (it was at my university.) But still positive, overall.

      The second one, it was a lot better – could’ve been different stages of life, too, but I was almost instantly more comfortable with him. Part of it was that I asked for someone who specialized in X and so even going in, I was like, there’s no way my stuff is the craziest stuff he’s ever heard. And he just handled it a lot better, too, right from the start.

      In terms of practical advice, I think just remembering they can’t share anything, they’ve definitely heard weirder stuff than you’re about to tell them, and coming in with a solid idea of what you want to discuss – for instance, just telling yourself before an appointment that your goal is to talk about your anxiety around ant bites and then forcing the first sentence out of your mouth “The though of getting an ant bite makes me have a panic attack” will help a lot. Just the first sentence; don’t worry about getting the whole thing out.

    5. sajohnso*

      Have an open mind. Personally, the first time I tried therapy I went without really wanting to listen to what the therapist had to say. Also, for me I said upfront I didn’t want meds. Just to talk through my issues and not worrying about meds really helped my outlook on therapy.

      You don’t have to agree with everything the therapist says about you. Pick one or two of the most poignant things and work on them.

      Dr. Beverly Engel has written many good therapy books mainly around abuse and emotionally abusive relationships. Her book helped me out as well. Good luck!

      1. A different anonymous today*

        Thank you for this recommendation. I, too, am going to start therapy for an emotionally abusive relationship this month (goal), and the book looks very helpful. Appreciate it. You never know who is reading these and gains from your sharing….

    6. Reba*

      I would tell the therapist this. “I’ve tried therapy several times, but I’ve found it is very difficult for me to open up to someone.”

      And a follow up questions from me. Is there something different about this time for you? Why do you think it is difficult to open up, and what do you need to be able to do that?

      At times when I have done therapy, I have come to session with written notes to share stuff that I just struggled to say out loud to someone in front of me–but I could write them when I was alone, then share and that would break the wall a little bit.

    7. Almost Academic*

      Lay things out on the table as much as possible – this doesn’t mean that you have to be open with everything, but therapy will go a lot smoother (and be more helpful) if you can at least admit that you are uncomfortable / don’t want to talk about that / aren’t sure what to say / etc. It really helps to get both you and the therapist on the same page.

      Also, remember the therapist is there to help you – this means working collaboratively together to trouble shoot any issues that come up. The clients I find easiest to work with show up to appointments consistently, do their homework (or collaboratively and proactively work with me to figure out why they might not be able to, and how we can make it easier) and are very upfront about what they do and don’t want from the therapeutic relationship and what they do/don’t/are ambivalent about changing. Therapists aren’t magic mind-readers, although it can feel like it sometimes. Saying what you do and don’t like or don’t understand about the way something is working in treatment is helpful for troubleshooting and staying engaged.

    8. RegrettableProtests*

      I emailed my therapist in advance to ask her what plans she had for people with issues similar to mine, what experience, etc. I always ask for homework – give me ways to keep working on improving myself!

      I’ve never had trouble opening up to people, but I’d suggest telling your therapist that – it’s probably not the first time she’s seen it, and she might have advice!

    9. Nina*

      IMO, mental health workers differ slightly from other healthcare workers in that you’re baring your soul to them and looking for their guidance, in a way we don’t do with a typical doctor. Years ago, my mistake was thinking that if it wasn’t working or I wasn’t comfortable, the issue was with ME, because all therapists were the same right? Yeah, not the case. They’re people, too, and some methods just may not work for you, or their type of therapy doesn’t work. Sometimes you have to shop.

      I spent a long time going to a therapist who talked more about her kids and family than my own issues, and waited way too long to switch. She was nice, but we weren’t making any progress and I knew it.

      1. Wishing You Well*

        Yes, therapists vary – a lot!
        Please find an article of what therapists should and should NOT do and what therapy should feel like. There’s a lot of potential for boundary violations. Some therapists don’t work out and it’s best to move on promptly. There’s a great analogy comparing therapists to shoes in another advice column today. It’s worth reading.

    10. Not A Manager*

      If it’s VERY difficult for you to open up to someone, it’s possible that you have A Thing that’s on your mind but is hard to bring up. It’s easy to fritter away your therapy time talking about your daily life and other little things, and to avoid bringing up The Thing(s).

      What has worked for me is to find a one-sentence way to just put it on the table. One time I actually wrote the sentence on a notecard. Mostly I’ll say, “This is really hard for me to talk about, and I don’t want to talk about it now. All I want to do is to say it. We’ll talk about it another time.” Then I say the one sentence.

      Once that’s out there, and the world didn’t end and my head didn’t explode, it’s easier to circle around The Thing next time. You STILL don’t have to talk about It, but you can talk about how you feel with the therapist, why it’s hard to talk about, etc.

      In my personal experience, part of the reason The Thing is hard to talk about is that it was very meaningful/damaging to me, and I’m afraid that the other person will shame me for thinking that it was important at all.

    11. Wishing You Well*

      There’s a great comparison between therapists and shoes in another advice column today (Sunday). It’s worth reading. Good Luck!

  9. Sami*

    Does anyone have a SleepNumber bed? I have chronic pain so the idea of being able to regulate the mattress sounds good. Pros? Cons?

    1. Loose Seal*

      I do. We’ve had it for about 16 months and I love it. I have back and hip pain which make it so I don’t move much at night. So sleeping on regular mattresses was making pressure bruises on my side. (I cannot sleep except on my side.)

      I have probably the lowest Sleep Number of anyone I’ve ever talked to. It’s like 30. (High numbers are firmer and lower numbers are squishier.) But I really need the mattress to practically fall away from the pressure points but still support a good sleeping position. And it works great for that. In the store, they had us lay on a variety of beds and set different numbers so we could see what we were getting.

      Our bed came with a massage feature that we tend to forget about and a light under the bed that we also tend to forget about. (I hear the newest model has the underbed light come on automatically when you get up, which sounds very useful.) We got two remotes but we usually use the phone app if we want to raise the bed for reading or whatever.

      It comes with a setting called ‘Snore,’ which is a slight angle at the head of the bed. Even though neither of us were big snorers, we sleep with it that position all the time. It’s probably all in my head but I think it makes me less stuffy in the morning. (Ha! All in my head! Do you see what I did there? Sorry, it’s late and I’m punchy.)

      You do not have to buy their bed surrounds/headboards. Any furniture store will sell you a headboard, etc. if you just tell them you need it to fit an adjustable bed. This will be a lot cheaper and you will have more choices. Not every bedframe will work with an adjustable bed but in the furniture stores we looked in, the sales staff all knew right away which will work.

      Cons:

      They aren’t cheap. You’re really getting a glorified air mattress so it’s a little hard to stomach the price. Take a lot of time in the store to see if it really helps your body. I think they had a return policy if you didn’t like it within so many days but I can’t remember the specifics.

      You pretty much have to buy the branded sheets if you want to use the different bed positions. Those sheets are very expensive and I usually buy really good quality sheets. I actually gasped when I saw the price of the SleepNumber sheets. But regular sheets pop right off the corners and nothing I could find would make them stay on. The SleepNumber sheets are good quality sheets but are limited in color and style. If someone else posts that they find suitable sheets somewhere else more cheaply, I guarantee you I’ll probably order some today!

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        I have a triangular pillow which you can fold into being a sloped support, and it is a huge help when I have a cold–I don’t think the sinus thing is just in your head.

      2. foolofgrace*

        1) I have a TempurPedic bed that changes position, and what I did was to sew lengths of elastic at the two top corners so I could use regular sheets. Actually I had to add some belts to the foot of the bed and run them up to the corners where I attach the sheets; it sounds more complicated than it is.

        2) I have a friend whose Sleep Number bed was clawed to death by her cats. Not sure if those mattresses still have that frailty.

        1. The Other Dawn*

          I have 11 cats and have had no issues with clawing at all. The air chambers are encased in mattress material, so they can’t actually get to those unless they somehow get through the mattress material, foam and whatever else is in there. I forget what else is in there, as we opened it once, but it would be pretty hard for a cat to destroy it. Maybe it was an older or lower model, though.

    2. The Other Dawn*

      I have a Sleep Number and I love it. I got it in March of last year. I have chronic lower back pain from two bulging discs and I just couldn’t get comfortable in my old bed anymore; I was tossing and turning from maybe 3 am and on because the pain would set in (didn’t know at the time I had bulging discs). Also, my husband likes a firm mattress and mine needs to be softer, so this was the perfect solution for us.

      Cons: Price, definitely! Ours doesn’t have the adjustable base, but has the separate air chambers so my husband can sleep on 100 (AKA sleeping on concrete) and I can sleep on 50 (soft, but with good support). Even without the adjustable base, I paid almost 4,000.00 total at a President’s Day sale. That included the mattress, one remote, the base, base cover, mattress cover, and the legs. Since mine isn’t adjustable, I use regular sheets. The return policy is 100 days on the mattress…and the base isn’t returnable. I have no idea why that is, but it is.

      Pros: It’s very light to move. I can move it (king-sized) by myself. My husband said it’s also super easy to assemble. The delivery guys did it in like 15 minutes. (It comes deflated, in a box) I can change the setting whenever I feel like I need more or less softness depending on how my back feels. This has been really great for me. (What’s also nice is you can change the number to 100 before you get up, and that will help you get out of bed easier if you’re someone who sometimes has a hard time getting out of bed. That helped me a lot after surgery last year.) I like the Sleep IQ app, which tells me how I slept the night before.

    3. Slartibartfast*

      My sleep number bed is over ten years old, and I still love it. I am thinking of getting a new one, the raise-the-head feature seems nice. I have chronic pain too, I love being able to adjust the firmness based on what hurts the most that particular night, but I like soft 25-40 because pressure points do keep you up at night! Hubs has his side 80-90, it was this or twin beds. You can see his side is 4 inches higher than mine! The only issue we’ve had is you can’t see the numbers on the remote on hubby’s side anymore. Other than that, it’s as good as the day we bought it.

      1. Slartibartfast*

        Also I toss and turn a lot. Since it’s just air, it doesn’t transfer motion like a regular mattress would.

      2. MsCende*

        Ours is about that old, too, and we’re looking at a new one. Our controller screen dies, and now we sort of guess what number we’re setting.

        I’ve got chronic pain, and being able to adjust the firmness has been helpful over the years.

        Just don’t move it fully inflated. The movers we had decided it would be “easier” than taking it al, down. I don’t know about “easier” – the whole system is pretty simple – but it certainly picked up a leak for the first time.

    4. HLK1219HLK*

      I was traveling for work & the hotel we were at that week had Sleep Number beds. I was excited to try it out…until I actually tried to sleep. Regardless of the setting, at least 1-2 times per night it would activate to put more air in the bed to get back to the right number. Every time it kicked in, the noise woke me up, and I was a zombie the whole week. Regardless of whether all SN beds are like that or whether I had a faulty bed, I don’t think I could/would buy one for my home after that.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Yeah, that’s definitely never happened with mine. It’s always at the same number and never adds more air while we’re in it or otherwise. I do change the number once in awhile just to make sure it’s where it should be (checking for leaks). Wonder if it’s something specific to the model at that hotel maybe? I know in the past people have mentioned in their reviews that their bed loses air, but I haven’t had that happen yet.

      2. CBE*

        I had this EXACT same experience! A relative is a hotel manager, and when they put these beds in the room he invited a hole bunch of family members to try them out. It was *brand new* and couldn’t stay inflated without buzzing and reinflating in the night.
        Relative did not get the positive testimonials he’d hoped for out of inviting us. Which was awkward…

      3. Loose Seal*

        One of the newer models is supposed to analyze your sleep and change your number on the fly to supposedly help you sleep better. I wonder if that’s what they had? If so, it didn’t work, did it?

    5. Free Meerkats*

      We replaced a waterbed with one several years ago. Since we already had a solid base, all we bought was the basic mattress. The big money buying one is the adjustable options. The simple mattress was cost comparable with high end standard mattresses. My wife has some chronic pain problems and she loves it.

      The compressor has never come on without command, if it does, somebody did something wrong.

    6. Phoenix Programmer*

      An ex of mine had one. This was over 10 years ago mind you so maybe they improved.

      It felt like sleeping on an airmattres with a foam cover on it. On the “soft” setting you could feel the hard frame underneath. I found the firm setting more comfortable. I could also feel the line between the two sides which was very uncomfortable (this was a standard size bed).

      All in all I was not immpressed. It was as uncomfortable as pushing two twin xl beds together in college to sleep with your partner.

    7. ThursdaysGeek*

      We finally replaced ours, because for the last 10 years I’ve hated it.

      He liked it. It caused backaches, no matter what setting I had. But what I mostly didn’t like was that it doesn’t work at all if you have a partner and cuddle but you don’t have the same setting. He liked it soft, which meant that if I had it any harder, it was slopey, and I was falling onto his side. After 10 years it was slopey and slumpy, and I always had to choose between a backache or sleeping on a hill (or usually both).

      It didn’t reinflate during the night, so that was never an issue. His side did have a very slow leak, so it would be nearly flat after several months (which he didn’t mind).

  10. Kuododi*

    Well, I made it!!! Carpal Tunnel surgery on my right hand was yesterday. Can definitely tell an improvement in overall pain and numbness. Obviously post-op pain … different story;). I’m doing a strange hunt and peck with my phone. Also… I am very right hand dominant so recovery is very…. awkward this time. ;). Needless to say, I am very appreciative of DH at times like this. Will touch base later when I get another burst of energy.

    3. Seal*

      I had surgery on my right shoulder to repair a torn cuff earlier this year and am also very right handed. I’m still surprised at how quickly I became adept at doing things with just my left hand – not well, mind you, but good enough to feed myself without making a mess and get dressed and do my hair so I looked reasonably presentable in public.

      Best of luck with your recovery.

    5. No more numbness*

      I had carpal tunnel release surgery on my right hand this summer. I hope to have my left done before the end of the year. I felt immediate relief but the post surgery pain sucked for the first few days. Make sure you do the exercises, even if they’re uncomfortable at first, and keep your hand elevated as much as possible. Once you have the sutures out, be diligent about using vitamin E oil or scar cream on your incision. I wasn’t and now my scar is more noticeable than I would like.

  11. PurpleMonster*

    People following the UN General Assembly: I’m from New Zealand. The way you’d read about it in the media here, people are bowing at the feet of our Prime Minister and Stephen Colbert wants to have her babies.

    My question is, does anyone outside NZ really, actually give a damn about the Prime Minister of a small Pacific Island nation bringing her baby to some work meetings?

    (For context, the NZ media here practically has wall to wall coverage every time a celebrity mentions it in a tweet. Small country syndrome.)

    1. Bagpuss*

      Yes, up to a point. I’m in the UK and it has been in the news here. It’s not major headline news, but the fact that she has given birth while in office and is carrying out her role as PM as a new mother is newsworthy, and the coverage is mainly positive .
      It’s something I was aware of (that she was at the UN and had her daughter with her in the chamber) before you asked the question, .

        1. MatKnifeNinja*

          I live in the Midwest USA, it was and still is heavily talked about.

          It’s a big, and a nice distraction from the tire fire by the Potomac.

        2. Falling Diphthong*

          In the US, and saw the news about a baby appearing in Parliament for the first time, or along those lines. So it’s definitely making headlines far away.

          1. TL -*

            She’s also been making a lot of statements pretty directly aimed at Trump and some of his policies, which have been getting a lot of attention from the NZ media which was mostly what I was thinking of.

            1. Reba*

              Re: the pres comments, there is SO MUCH ELSE flooding ceaselessly through our news media in the US right at the moment, I don’t think this is breaking through much here.

              She did appear on Stephen Colbert’s show and talked briefly about that.

        3. Reba*

          In the US. We also have a senator, Tammy Duckworth, who has brought her baby to the chambers a few times, so comparisons are made.

          I think Jacinda seems amazing! I think I’ve probably sought out news about her more than the average news reading person. I was also reading about how she intends for the child to be bilingual–it looks like she is really walking the walk.

          1. AngelicGamer, the visually impaired peep*

            That’s my senator and I was going to comment on how she did it. To me and close friends from the area, we’re like “oh, cool” and then go back to talking about other things. We’re a ton more interested in Mr Trudeau and missing President Obama.

    2. Twinkle*

      I’m an Aussie – I know we’re so close so may not count, but here’s my 2 cents anyway. It’s big news here. Considering the nonsense we’ve been going through with a revolving door of PMs, not to mention the lack of integrity they’re all showing, we’re all wanting to move over the ditch :) She sounds totally awesome

    3. TL -*

      It’s all over my Kiwi’s friends facebooks and not all apparent on my USA friends’ facebooks – I’m pretty sure none of my American friends have anything but the vaguest idea of who Jacinda is, much less what she’s doing at the UN. (They would have talked to me about if it was a Thing; they’re pretty politically aware and I’m currently living in NZ right now, so anytime anything pops up they talk to me about it.)

      That being said, the USA has its own media focus right now so maybe it would have made more of an impact on a different year.

      1. Loose Seal*

        I saw it and it was a brief flicker of happiness in this horrible, horrible week (in the U.S.).

        I’m actually glad to be reminded of it again now that the media circus here is hopefully taking a break for the weekend.

      2. Lady Jay*

        So, I’m American, and as you note, we definitelyheard about Jacinda giving birth in office. There was also a lot of coverage of her plans to return to office once the baby was born, and a lot of people looked up to her as demonstrating how “being a woman/mom” and “being good at her career” fit together.

        We haven’t heard anything about bringing her baby to UN meetings, but that’s because our own political leader has literally made himself a laughingstock. Media has covered that instead.

        1. TL -*

          Yeah, I forgot about the birth thing at first but my friends and I definitely talked about it – there was a nursing strike that happened while Jacinda was on maternity leave so it ended up being a more involved discussion than normal.

    4. Foreign Octopus*

      I’m British and I have a passing interest in this because she’s young and energetic and a refreshing counterpoint to the other politicians about. I also think there’s the novelty aspect of her bringing the baby with her and the set-up that she has with her partner that also interests me.

      So, yeah, I’m interested but not overly so.

    5. Ann Non*

      I saw one news story about this the other day in my local paper. It was shown as a positive example and contrasted with local government where a mother was prevented from bringing her child into the assembly room, thus preventing the mother from voting!

    6. Notapirate*

      I’m American and it made the online news here (I dont own a tv). Mostly the focus was on how cool it was that they made a little security ID card for the baby. Some comments about how the kid is going to have 20+ years experience in gov work for their entry level job lol.

      I also saw it blowing up on reddit, people liked it. Some hilarious comments by new parents about their own abilities at that stage versus your PM being a well put together BAMF. (Reddit is more global depending on what sub platforms your on within it).

    7. First-time Commenter*

      Yes, lots of us in other places are quite enjoying seeing your PM’s baby for what she represents. I just visited NZ recently and was so impressed — and heartened — by how progressive it was. We had an amazing rundown on NZ history and politics from a tour bus driver on the way to Hobbiton, as well as at the Waitangi Treaty grounds. Reminders that it’s possible for countries to make progress toward truly inclusive societies are very welcome in these times when it looks more bleak elsewhere.

      1. Doc in a Box*

        Agree! I visited NZ about six months ago and was really impressed by the baked-in inclusivity. I’d move there in a heartbeat if there were job openings in my subfield (and believe me, I’ve been checking!)

        1. TL -*

          There are absolutely some policies and decisions in NZ that are really admirable – but if you start actually looking at outcomes and stats, they’ve got a lot more problems than meet the eye.

          1. Lissa*

            Is there any country where that isn’t true? Serious question – I’m Canadian and this comes up a LOT here similarly – Canada has a lot of deep-rooted issues as well as some legitimately good stuff going on.

            1. TL -*

              Not that I’ve found! And certainly, America has our serious big deal issues and things that we do well too.
              It’s just that the social progressiveness of NZ often gets told to me in a “we’re so much better than the USA; why can’t you just do what we do” kind of way and that, paired with the fact that any kind of actual nuanced discussion of racial and/or social inequality in NZ tends to get shut down immediately with “oh, we’re not as bad as the USA” (the disparities are pretty close in terms of measurable impact) or “well, it’s the government’s problem and they’re sorting it*”, tends to get really frustrating. Especially since I don’t start these conversations – people are frequently starting them with me and then getting annoyed and stopping having them.

              *that’s frustrating attitude for an American in general, but there are actual cultural differences in expectations of government in play here.

    8. Marion Ravenwood*

      I’m in the UK, and I’ve been following it, but I used to work on workplace gender equality campaigns as part of my job so must confess to having a vested interest beforehand…

    9. ket*

      I read that first as Stephen Colbert wants her to have babies and I was like, “Didn’t that already happen? Wasn’t that the point?”

      It’s coming up a bit — nice pictures, some fawning coverage.

      Yes, people do care about a Prime Minister bringing her baby to a work meeting! It’s nice news and we’re envious!

    10. Square Root Of Minus One*

      From France : it was on the info channels, I don’t know about the main ones. It appeared in infotainment shows for sure, because it’s just awesome gossip fodder for these TV people who have open their mouths about basically anything – and some of these shows are very popular…
      Not really a headline, but it caught attention. Superficially and to be forgotten by next week for the man on the street here, but it did.

    11. CBE*

      I think a lot of working women struggle with trying to juggle everything, so seeing a woman be in charge AND a new mom and sometimes both at once seems like a dream come true. Especially since we have zero paid maternity leave and a pretty parenthood unfriendly culture.

    12. Juliecatharine*

      It’s a small light of hope that the whole world doesn’t actually despise, disregard, and belittle women. This has been a tough week in the US on that front.

    13. I'm A Little Teapot*

      US here. I’m sorry, but the extent of my interest in New Zealand is related to the fact that it was the shooting location for the Lord of the Rings movies. I’ve heard bits and snatches of events in your country, specifically that your PM is female and had a baby. Mostly because of the contrast to some of the events in the US right now. Realistically, NZ is so small and far away, it just doesn’t impact me or my country at all. That said, I like having relatively peaceful, decently governed countries in the world.
      Also, remember that US politics are unsettled. It’s hard to get ANYTHING else on our news stations right now.

    14. Fellow Traveler*

      I live in a suburb of DC, and I care about your Prime Minister and the attention paid to her baby. I care because, even acknowledging that she is coming from a position of great privilege, the thought that having babies and including them in your work life as needed is kind of foreign, revolutionary, and inspiring to me. The idea that we should support working mothers, and that we should acknowledge that having children is a very prominent part of many people’s lives gives me hope that I don’t have to feel apologetic for being a mom. It is probably idealistic of me to think that there is some kind of trickle down effect when people who have the means and resources manage to work and have kids, but I hope that at least the conversation can get started as to how we can help those of us without such resources to encourage workplaces and society to be more family friendly- not just for those of us with babies, but also those of us with elderly parents, with special needs children or siblings.

  13. Flexible in mind only*

    I need to gain some flexibility and core strength. Pilates classes here aren’t compatible with my schedule. Any favorite YouTube suggestions for beginners?

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      Look up Barre 3–they have some sample workouts on YouTube. A mix of dance, pilates, and yoga.

      Inspired me to get a membership (basic so I can stream workouts; I don’t care about the other stuff) and I really like that the regular workouts have an instructor plus two people–one going turbo, one modifying. I am typing this with ice wrapped around my elbow, and knowing that I can still do a workout that hits the other parts of my body, and switch it up based on what that arm can and can’t do, is very motivating.

    3. Dr. Anonymous*

      Fitness blender videos. On their website, you can search by type of workout. My core has never been so strong!

    4. anonona*

      If you’re interested in yoga, Yoga with Adriene has great at-home yoga practice videos. She has many videos focused on improving core strength and she does a good job sharing modifications for all fitness/flexibility levels.

    1. Ann Non*

      Nooooooooo I think I would stop reading the comments if that happened! The pages look so clean now! What’s wrong with using :-) if you want to express an emoji?
      (I also think that gifs make knee-jerk reactions easier and well-thought-out responses less likely, which doesn’t seem to be in the spirit of this site? Like, it doesn’t help OP if 10 people post OMG-cat. They want advice on what to do.)

    4. The Cosmic Avenger*

      I do wish there was a “Like” or “+1” button sometimes, as for some comments there’s not much more to say, but I REALLY appreciate what the person had to say, and I wish I could express my agreement/support, even though I don’t have anything substantial to add. Embedded images would be interesting, but probably more distracting than useful. I find animated GIFs extremely annoying, as I feel like my eye is pulled to any movement, and so I usually have them blocked by AdBlock.

      1. Harvey P. Carr*

        I agree with this. As a reader, it doesn’t make for interesting reading to see a post that’s just “+1” or “Agree” or a one-word answer. I’d rather have a Facebook-like option to “like” or “dislike,” or maybe “agree” or “disagree,” or even a “neutral” the post.

        1. The Cosmic Avenger*

          Well, Facebook has never had a dislike option, and there’s a reason lots of other sites have only a way to upvote, not downvote. I’d say a like or upvote would be enough, downvotes can be discouraging to commenters. Then, instead of clicking “dislike” on your post, I will engage with you and tell you (we hope in a civil and kind way) why I disagree. :)

  15. MsChanandlerBong*

    I’m in the ER with chest pain again. I think I’m okay; I can just never be sure if it’s just angina or it’s another heart attack, and my sublingual nitroglycerin didn’t help. Whatever these people make, it’s not enough. Between the Friday-night bar crowd and the plethora of people brought in by the police, it’s a zoo! I’m reading old AAM posts to entertain myself. My first troponin came back normal, which is good, but they have to test it two more times to be sure I didn’t sustain any more heart damage, so I sent my husband home and told him he can pick me up in the morning. I am glad I have the AAM archives handy!

    2. MattKnifeNinja*

      Hugs! The Friday/Saturday night ER free floor show is something else.

      Are they setting you up for 2D echo/treadmill test? Waiting for those labs are the worse.

      Hope the can come up with something so you don’t have to keep coming back.

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        No, I just had a stress test on August 17, so they don’t think it’s necessary now. The cardiology resident just came down to see me; he’s going to present my case to the attending and then come back. I really hope they don’t admit me. He said they might adjust some of my meds and see how I do. I already have a follow-up appt. scheduled with my regular cardiologist for Thursday, so if they do that, I will be able to follow up quickly.

    4. Former Employee*

      Best wishes for a speedy resolution. Hope all of your results came back negative and you were able to go home and rest. The hospital is definitely not the place for that! You were 100% right about going to the ER; when in doubt, people need to go, especially given your history.

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        Thank you! The doc said the same thing. I waited for about six hours before they brought me back, but I was able to get a little sleep while I waited for the doctor to come see me.

    5. MsChanandlerBong*

      They’re going to increase the dosages of two medications: my beta blocker and my vasodilator. I already have an appointment with my cardiologist on Thursday, so they don’t think it’s necessary to admit me. One of the fellows who came in this morning took care of me a few weeks ago, and she remembered a lot about my case, so it was nice to get her opinion. She thinks it could just be residual angina due to the blockage in my right coronary artery. It’s totally blocked, so my other arteries are doing extra work to make sure the heart gets the blood/oxygen it needs. I also have an 80% blockage of the LAD, but it’s too distal for them to stent it. We are hoping that meds and exercise will help prevent it from becoming totally occluded.

      1. fposte*

        Ugh. Your poor body is going through a lot these days. I’m glad at least they’re not going to keep you and it sounds like it might not be anything new, but sheesh. Hope that you get to go home and get some sleep.

        1. MsChanandlerBong*

          I got home around 2:30, so other than closing my eyes for a few minutes in the ER, I’d been awake since 5:30 a.m. on Friday. I went right to bed and slept until 10:30 p.m. Now I’m wide awake, lol.

    6. Bluebell*

      Hi MCB- I just took a book called “Heart: A history” out of the library. If it’s any good, I’ll let you know.

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        Sounds great! I’ve always loved to read–probably because reading was something I could do when I was in the hospital as a kid. Whatever you do, I highly recommend you don’t read Robin Cook’s “Coma” the night before you have surgery. Young Ms. Bong borrowed it from the Ronald McDonald House reading room and didn’t realize what she was getting into!

        1. Bluebell*

          I think I read Coma long ago and not near any of my surgeries. I’m about halfway through the book and it’s definitely recommended. Two takeaways:
          1 – we’ve come a LONG way in cardiology in the past 100 years
          2- WOW some of those cardio pioneers were brilliant but not the most patient and balanced.
          Will report in again next weekend after I finish it. I also have an echo and a cardiologist appointment this week.

    7. Elizabeth W.*

      Fingers crossed for a speedy recovery. Sending good vibes!

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    8. Mimmy*

      I always look in the weekend threads to see how you are doing…sorry you had to go to the ER again, but glad to hear that one of the fellows remembered you. Having that familiarity can really be helpful.

      Hopefully by now you’ve gotten home and are getting some rest. Good luck with your appointment on Thursday.

  16. PDXCats*

    Does anyone have experience with large consumer debt/medical expenses and going to college as an adult? With my last layoff, it’s become increasingly clear that I can’t afford rent in Portland (or find somewhere in my budget that will take my 2 cats), and I think I’ve been grossly underpaid and overworked due to my high capabilities and lack of degree. But trying to figure out how to pay for college is frustrating, as my husband and I barely make enough to make ends met (paycheck to paycheck due to our outrageous rent), with other emergency expenses ending up on credit. It’s not a great place to be. Despite this, we don’t qualify for much aid, though I need to reach out to the financial aid office regarding a professional judgment, due to my employment status…
    Any advice/input? I’m about a year or so out of an engineering degree.

    1. tab*

      If you’re getting an engineering degree, it’s worth it to take loans. Your starting salary will be high enough to pay back the loans. You can check out the list of engineering starting salaries by NACE to see what you can expect to earn. Also, you should check out scholarships. Some are based on financial needs.

    2. Luisa*

      Are you thinking that your existing debt makes loans an infeasible or unattractive option? My gut reaction is to agree with Tab above and say that a year’s worth of loans might very well be a good investment if it improves your job prospects by helping you complete your degree, but I can see where more debt is at best a scary proposition, and at worst wholly unworkable.

      When I was exploring grad school options, I found the financial aid office at my college (the School of Education one, not the big university one) to be very helpful, so if you haven’t already gone that route, that would be my suggestion. If loans (or other forms of financial aid) are a possibility, it’s good to know the options.

      Sorry I don’t have any good advice on the consumer debt side, but hopefully ither commenters will chime in.

      1. PDXCats*

        Yea, I’m concerned that my existing debt payments, car payments and insurance, not including rent, utilities, or food, are in the order of $700 a month. Not sure how to manage that without working full time, and the school that offers my major would require a move far enough away that my husband and I would be essentially renting 2 places like we did when dating. We’ve never really unified our financial life, but he covers like, 80% of shared expenses due to his higher income, though I do more groceries. He doesn’t want to be involved in a student loan at all, as no debt is a good or reasonable debt to him…I was shocked at how much the FAFSA thought we could afford, however. Rent for a decent, but in no way nice, apartment accounts for 40% of his take home pay, then utilities take up the other 10%…why doesn’t the FAFSA take that into account? Or medical debt? Or…like, cost of living in general?

        1. Jessica*

          Are you female? I’m part of an organization that offers scholarships to women in exactly your situation — someone who has taken 2+ years off of school but needs a degree for a better job. Google P.E.O. Program for Continuing Education for more info. (Not a scam, I promise.)

        2. a non non*

          Have you also spoken directly to the financial aid office? When I was in undergrad, one of my friends was able to get the school to essentially see a lower expected contribution than FAFSA said by going to the financial aid office and telling them about the extenuating circumstances that were not reflected by the questions the FAFSA gave. The success of this will probably depend on how much freedom the school has with it’s budget, but it may be worth a try.

    4. Jessejane*

      Hello from a fellow Oregonian struggling to afford to live here! I left PDX 6 years ago for the dry side of the mountains, but it is just as expensive over here:(
      I suggest you look into EOU- they have online programs and low tuition costs. And they know how to work with adults! I went back at 38 and finished my BS. I did take out loans but they were minimal. I was able to work part time, volunteer at my kids school, and take 15-18 credits per term. Going back as an adult was much easier than I expecyed- I knew how to work smarter, not harder.
      Good luck!

  17. Square Root Of Minus One*

    Funny, I thought that too! My partner has a cat who is just a slightly-more-burnt version of this one.
    (By that I mean no whites, more blacks, are darker reds. No misteatments there of course.)

        1. No Tribble At All*

          Allison’s cats are soooo pretty! My cats are all black, so I’m fascinated by cats with the color variations in their coats. (My cats are super pretty too :P) I feel like we should organize the cat comments into a thread lol. I almost was going to post “weekly appreciation for cat pictures”

    1. ElspethGC*

      That is *completely* not how I read this. Why the passive-aggressiveness?

      I too would be really pissed off at a relative if I found out said relative had been lying to people all about how I was in dire straits and on the verge of dehydration, because that’s weird and attention-seeking. Even if I knew that people bringing things had their hearts in the right places, the interruptions would be frustrating, *especially* if I lost money over it. That’s a pretty normal point of view.

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        Thanks, Elspeth. My brother’s a slightly toxic presence in my life at the moment so we only communicate via texts about inconsequential things. I don’t know what all this was about but it was frustrating – it would have been amusing if I’d not lost money over it, like you said.

      2. Fort Night*

        Not having water sounds pretty dire to me, and she’s the one who complained about it to him. It seems pretty unfair to me to then be mad at him for trying to help! He didn’t just make this up, she contacted him. I think it’s a real stretch to impute negative intentions to his actions.

        If your relationship with your brother is so bad, why bother texting him about this? Below you say only text him about inconsequential things – this doesn’t seem inconsequential to me at all, and to probably didn’t to him either. To me it sounds like you whined at him about a problem, he tried to help, and then you decided this was wholly unreasonable of him. Could your negative feelings towards your brother be coloring your view of his actions?

        1. Foreign Octopus*

          It is inconsequential because the water always comes back in a few hours. I complained about not having a drink of water after a run, not that I was without water for two days as he later told our friends.

          My feelings aren’t colouring my view of his actions. He exaggerated about the situation for reasons unbeknownst to me and made a brief situation into something that got far too many people involved and cost money.

          Help isn’t help if it’s unwanted. Then it’s just an inconvenience and, in this case, a costly one.

        2. A.N. O'Nyme*

          OP didn’t have water for a few HOURS, which really isn’t all that bad. Brother claimed it was two DAYS. That’s not trying to help at all. At best that’s an annoying prank. And I’m assuming the OP has a lifetime of experience with their brother to know whether it not he’s toxic, you only have this one (misread) post.

    2. Ender*

      She’s not complaining about the people who were kind enough to bring her water. She’s complaining about the person who lied and spread untrue rumours about her.

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        Exactly this.

        I even said I would have appreciated it if I needed it and I like knowing I can count on them if something does happen but this was just an out of the blue situation that created more drama and fuss than I needed on a Friday morning.

      2. The Other Dawn*

        I read it the same way. Brother exaggerated and caused Foreign Octopus to be interrupted multiple times and to lose money because of it. That’s really annoying when people do things like that.

  21. Loopy*

    Posting etiquette question: when you reply to a weekend thread post, are you ever annoyed when/if an OP never comes back to post/reply/discuss?

    I try not to disappear but some weekends I unexpectly get busy and don’t have time to go back and read replies until late Sunday. Last week this happened with my second post and I was quite worried people would think I simply never saw their replies!

    Thoughts?

    1. Kate Daniels*

      I do not feel annoyed, but I do really enjoy when people come back to interact! Because this site doesn’t have an option for people to receive an email if someone replies to their particular comment, I understand that especially if it is the next day or very late, posters may think it is futile to reply because their comment won’t be seen by the other user. If there was a way for you to get notified whenever someone replies to you, that might help encourage more back-and-forth.

      1. Loopy*

        Glad to hear it. I love this community and felt very self conscious/guilty. I do like the email notification but I also would want it to be optional because in sure some thread notifications would be overwhelming!

    2. Waiting for the Sun*

      I love the weekend free-for-all , and often am busy on weekends. I try to check in throughout the weekend. Sunday evening is a good time for me, and I hope other AAM-era are onsite then too.

    3. LGC*

      I…do this all the time! I think people just expect it from me by now.

      So my position is it’s fine. It’s AAM, not a job – people get busy. It’s not a big deal if people don’t respond to me…ever, really. But if it’s something important to me, I’ll usually acknowledge it in the next week’s free for all.

    5. HannahS*

      I don’t feel annoyed at all, although I do check back to see if they’ve replied. If I’ve asked a question, I try to thank commenters, but I think it’s also kind of annoying to have me say “Great recommendation, thanks!” on a thread asking for book recs, you know? So if I’m asking something more significant I try to be around more.

    7. Trixie*

      I often wait until most of the replies my question/post are in then reply to all the same time in one final post. (Versus answering each reply individually.)

    8. Not So NewReader*

      I have noticed a few people thanking everyone who answered them the previous week. That is always nice, but I don’t expect it. I think of it as a bonus when OPs answer. When they don’t answer, I tend to think they are busy, they are mulling things over OR they have picked someone’s advice and ran right out to do that thing. (It varies with the type of question.)

      My rule of thumb is that if someone puts the time in to post, they will at some point they put the time in later to check back to see if they had answers. It could be Wednesday by the time they check but I tend to believe they do come back to check.

    9. Loopy*

      Thanks to everyone for putting me at ease! I’ll have to do a group thanks because I’ve injured my hands via hot pepper (more on that in a post below) and am not quite up to much typing! Good thing I asked because I double I’ll be replying much (fingers and hands hurt just enough to not want to type much more than this).

  22. Kate Daniels*

    I am super bummed this week because I just found out my one of my closest friends (and the only one who lives nearby) is moving across the country in a few months. Part of the reason this is hitting me so hard is that I am extremely introverted, but getting together with her on weekends forced me to be social, and I am worried that I am going to become a complete recluse. I also feel sad because she is very extroverted and already has a good network of people in the city where she is moving, but I do not really have anyone else here, so I feel like she means more to me than I mean to her and already feel lonely. Has anyone else gone through a similar experience? What helped you cope?

    1. Waiting for the Sun*

      You may be a quality vs quantity friend to her – someone with whom she can have more interesting or deeper conversations than some of the people in her wider circle.

      You probably already know the usual ideas for meeting people, such as Meetup, a spiritual community, volunteering.

      When feeling socially isolated I’ve found it helpful to push myself to chat a little with various people I interact with such as clerks. It’s good practice and helps me feel more connected to my community.

      1. Kate Daniels*

        I definitely need to try starting to interact with others more when running errands. The cashier as Trader Joe’s this morning was super friendly, so I had a good back-and-forth with him! I also will try to look into volunteer opportunities. I am hoping to find one-time things because it’s a bit hard to commit to once a week with my job that often takes up a lot of additional hours beyond the typical 40 hr week.

    2. Notapirate*

      My friend who was like that moved 2 years ago. We send eachother old fashioned letters. Its a fun way to keep in touch and it feels more special. We also will watch the same tv show at the same time and text.

      As for making new friends, I made an effort to say yes more often. Volunteers need? Yes I’ll be there. Random get together with people I sort of know? Sure I’ll go for an hour. Free yoga class in the park? Ok. Pay what you wish admission? Sure. Things you may not normally do. It was a good way to meet people and I was surprised by how much stuff there still was to do, even without my buddy.

      Virtual hugs from tthis internet stranger, moving friends is rough.

      1. Kate Daniels*

        Thank you! I suppose the reason I’m feeling this so hard is that most of my friends are “online friends” and it’s difficult when your one IRL friend moves away. But I definitely need to say yes more often to things instead of indulging my introverted nature of always coming up with an excuse not to go.

    3. gecko*

      It took a long time. What helped was to fill the time that I’d spent with that friend. He was a friend who I’d have really long, lowkey hangouts with—having him over for dinner and a bunch of movies…closest I’ve ever come to having a friend like they have in sitcoms where they’re just always at each other’s houses for some reason.

      So it was kinda painful when he moved for med school. But I tried to fill the time, and I also got a lot more serious with my boyfriend. It was different. It made me sad, but it was (just) a life change in the end, and dealing with life changes is a matter of acknowledgment and patience.

      1. Kate Daniels*

        Life changes are so hard. I’ve moved around a lot in the last few years (for school and work), and I suppose another reason this feels so tough is because I’m not the one moving this time!

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Not the exact same thing, but I have had stuff come up where I realized I was too limited in some manner and I needed to branch out with what I was doing. When a situation forces us to look at what we are doing it gets so much harder because now there is no choice. We have to change what we have been doing. I call this having a learning experience. Not snark, I promise. I number my learning experiences, it seems to help me keep some humor in my head because life can be pretty tough.

      So this is kind of general because it will fit more than one type of situation. What are you doing that you would actually like to change? What modest change is actually doable for you? Would you be interested in taking a class in something you always wanted to learn more about? Someone mentioned volunteer work, does that appeal to you?

      I do have to comment on the “she means more to me than I mean to her”. This is an apples to oranges comparison, I hope you know that it’s just a feeling not a legit comparison. We don’t get to decide what we mean to other people. We only get to decide what they mean to us. And just because she has an army of friends does not mean you do not add value to her life. Her actions, by maintaining the friendship with you, show you that you do add something to her life. Just because we don’t know for sure what that is, does not prove there is no value there. It only proves that we dunno for sure why she values her relationship with you.

      So let’s pretend for a minute that you do value her more than she values you. This happens often enough and if we are totally honest with ourselves most of us have or had someone in our lives who thought we walked on water and we never even remembered their name. It’s a two way street. We can value people more than they value us and visa versa. A cohort passed away recently. I cried. I know he would not have cried if I died. I am pretty sure he couldn’t even get my last name right. Life is full of uneven things and that is just life. What matters the most is that we ourselves be sincere. There is no doubt in my mind that you are a sincere person. Hold on to that thought. Think of yourself as a good person who is sincere. Yes, this affirmation matters, by affirming your value you give yourself permission to move forward.

      1. Kate Daniels*

        Thank you so much for taking the time to type out this detailed, kind response. This was incredibly helpful and thought provoking. I will look into volunteering on weekends as a way to branch out and meet others. Your comments about value were also really insightful and comforting. I really appreciate everything you said!

  23. Waiting for the Sun*

    YOUR LOVE OF THE WEEK

    Mine is Malea Emma Tjandrawidjaja! Someone who heard her gorgeous voice “blind” – no introduction, no visual – would be blown away when they saw her sweet self.

    1. Dear liza dear liza*

      I hadn’t seen the video- thank you for pointing me to it! What a voice in a tiny package.

      My love: season premiere of THE GOOD PLACE. Still as funny and sweet as ever.

      1. Waiting for the Sun*

        Thanks. The Good Place sounds good. I’m looking for entertainment that’s not dark but not sappy either.

        2. Forking great username*

          Yes to The Good Place! I’ve been so down with everything going on this week with the news and bringing back old trauma crap…so the show coming back this week was pretty great timing.

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      I am reading the new Flavia de Luce novel. Daughter came home and convinced spouse we should start in on Season 2 of The Good Place (I watched when it aired, but had been holding off on rewatch) and that was a lovely Friday night. I look forward to catching S3.

      1. Waiting for the Sun*

        Doesn’t she, though?!? When I ran across the video I thought, “OK, cute little kid singing the anthem, that’s nice.” Then…mind blown. Made me want to be an A&R staffer for a record label.

  24. LGC*

    Morning guys! Getting an early start on the running thread this morning! (Tri (gender neutral) guys and cyclists also welcome.)

    I probably should have posted this last week, but…I’ve been thinking a fair amount about shoes lately. I’m just curious – what’s your preference? I’ve found I’m more partial to a softer midsole, for example.

    Other than that, the big news this week was BAA dropping the BQ again for 2020. (Apparently, you had to be 4:52 under this year, which is nuts. Iirc, 2018 was ~3:20 under and 2016 was ~2 under.) On one hand, I’m annoyed because I age up for 2020, and this keeps my standard the same until 2024.

    On the other, the outrage about this on my social media feeds kind of took over the other news yesterday, so I guess that’s a positive.

    1. A bit of a saga*

      I haven’t done any running – boo! Last week I got a strong pain on both sides of my inner ankle and google, my friend and my running coach all told me to take a break and rest. It’s vey frustrating because I’ve got a race coming up less than a month for now. Physio booked for next week (as he was on holiday this week). I’m still really sore but also don’t just want to sit here. Advice? Do I just need to wait it out as they all say?

      1. LGC*

        I’m…terrible with dealing with injuries, but I’m in agreement with everyone that you shouldn’t run. Especially since it’s a sharp pain, which usually means an actual injury! The amount of fitness you lose in a week isn’t anywhere near as bad as the potential damage you can do from continuing to train and possibly making it worse.

        If you can, I’d say do something low impact (like swimming or elliptical, but whatever works for you). Generally, cross training is a good idea to begin with, and now is a good time to start.

        Hopefully, it’s nothing serious and you’re able to race!

        1. A bit of a saga*

          Thanks! Yes, I know I should cross-train and there’s no time like the present so will get going ASAP on that!

    2. CheeryO*

      I’m still hanging out in the 50 mpw range. A few more big weeks and then it’s taper time! I took about 40 seconds off my 5K PR last weekend, which is a big confidence boost.

      I’m mildly bummed about the Boston standards, only because I think people will still aim for BQ-5 and will just rise to the challenge of the new standards. I’m still so far from a BQ, though, since I need a 3:30 and I’m looking at 3:45 to 3:50 for NYC. Someday.

      As for shoes, I think the Adidas Boston Boost is going to be my marathon shoe. I’ve really liked them for my longer tempos recently. I like the Adios for shorter distance races. For training, I like lightweight neutral shoes like the Launch, Kinvara, and Zante.

      1. LGC*

        Runner’s World just wrote an article about the craziness behind BQs and time standards in general! Apparently, times actually DO cluster around set reference points – the example they used was that you’d see a bump of people around 3:59 compared to 4:01.

        On that note, I think a lot of people already knew you had to go about 5 under the 2013-2018 standards – from the NJ Marathon this year, their pacer profiles listed them by BQ-5. I think you’re partly right that people will just run faster, but that’s because there was already massive amounts of creep (2019’s official standard is basically 2018’s effective standard minus 8 seconds). Plus, it’s harder to run a 3 flat than a 3:05, and harder still to run a 2:55. (Adjust as necessary.)

      2. LGC*

        Oh yeah – a few more things (I meant to write this earlier, so whoops):

        -Good luck, and congrats on knocking that much off your PR! That’s really huge!

        -From what I’ve heard (and what I’ve seen), NY is…difficult. I’m actually training to run 5-10 minutes faster than what I expect to run, just because I’m expecting to go that much slower. (So, I’ve been in the 2:47 range, and I’m expecting to do about 2:55.)

        -Shoes: I’m preferential to neutral as well, although apparently I pronate a lot so I “should” wear stability. My go-to for speedwork (and for racing) has been the Kinvara – funny enough, I just bought replacements this week and I got questioned about them twice already.

        …in their defense, I got the red and orange colorway this time, and my old pair were black. So they were pretty noticeable.

        1. CheeryO*

          The Kinvara holds a very special place in my heart! I’ve run in every iteration since they came out 6 or 7 years ago.

          As for the NYC course, I’m on the fence. It’s objectively not a fast course, but I think the hills are overblown (and this coming from someone who has to drive 30 minutes to find hills). Mentally adding some time is probably smart, but you might be pleasantly surprised on race day.

          1. LGC*

            I think you’re probably right in that people tend to blow the bridges out of proportion somewhat – they’re something that can catch you off guard if you don’t prepare for them, but they’re not like mountains! It feels a bit like the NYC Half – I know a lot of people were apprehensive about the new course for 2018, but the elevation changes weren’t as bad as I thought they’d be. Plus, in my personal experience weather tends to matter more than elevation change for the most part. (On the other hand, I’ve got hills for days right outside my door – I just got back from a 20-miler with a BRUTAL climb in the middle.)

    3. Lady Jay*

      The weather has cooled down a little bit right now, so I thoroughly enjoyed my run this morning. 5 miles, beautiful mist rising off of the rivers.

    4. Lady Jay*

      Who’s done an ultra? I’m in graduate school right now (PhD program) and I’m attracted by the idea of a challenge that’s more physical than mental, that’s in my control, and that has a definite, observable payoff. Toying with a 50K in late March/early April next year.

      1. LGC*

        First of all – glad your run went well! Hopefully fall is actually here now for real.

        It’s funny you mentioned an ultra – it’s something I used to just look at from afar, but I’m a little less…intimidated by ultra distances now? (My best friend asked me if I’d ever considered doing an ultra a few months ago. I think I said “no” before he even finished the sentence. Now though, like – I might just do one to say I did it…)

        What’s the longest distance you’ve done previously? Also, would you be doing more of a road or a trail race?

        1. Lady Jay*

          I did a marathon maybe four years ago? It went well, sub-4, though I don’t think I took sufficient care of my nutrition during the training. I’ve done half-marathon distances since then, but nothing further.

          For an ultra, I’d have my eyes set on more of a trail race; there’s a couple within a reasonable drive (1.5-4 hours or so) from me. Trails are just so much prettier, especially if you’re running that long!

      1. LGC*

        …two?!

        Good luck, and holy cow. (I’m questioning my life choices for doing ONE this fall.) How’ve you been?

        1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

          You won’t be questioning the NYC Marathon once you do it. It’s amazing, and you’re going to kill it. Just make sure you don’t start too fast and conserve some energy for those bridges and Central Park — the bridges indeed aren’t mountains, but the Queensboro is nothing to sneeze at. Figuring you’re going to run it 10 minutes slower than a normal marathon is smart (in addition to the level of difficulty, it’s also going to be crowded).

          1. LGC*

            It’s not the race, it’s the time commitment! Like, I’m right in the middle of my peak mileage and it’s just mentally hard to run an hour and a half on a Thursday night. (It doesn’t help that I’m working a ton of hours, but I’m trying to back off a little on that.)

            And thanks for the tips – I’ll definitely need them!

    6. Nacho*

      I’ve got a cyst that stops me from doing any real running, but I’ve been trying to run in place lately for some cardio. Apparently you still need shoes for that though (who knew), which is why my feet have been killing me lately. So, I just walked over to the mall and bought a new pair of running shoes for $55.

      1. LGC*

        I swore I replied to this! I’m really sorry about that!

        But…yeah, depending on what the issue is, I’d almost suggest not running in any form. I’m not a doctor or a PT (I’m just an office drone that runs fast), but a huge issue with running is the force your body takes when you land (and that’s on any surface, or even whether you’re doing “real” running). Obviously, you know yourself better than I do, but that’s my take.

        Hoping your health improves so you CAN run normally!

  25. Butter Makes Things Better*

    Liet-Kinda, should you be at all up for the story behind your new name, I’m all eyes. (Ew.)

  26. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Writing thread!
    What’s your favourite line you’ve written recently (because it funny/full of feels/nicely composed/…)? Mine is “My grandma’s hat-pin-and-brooch skills were legendary”.

    2. Laura H.*

      I’m just glad I’ve written something…. oh how I long for a brief return of my younger zeal when I could update daily… it’ll come back eventually.

    3. Gloucesterina*

      I love your line, A.N. O’Nyme, and this question! I do just school-related writing, and tend towards clunky prose overall, but I’m happy to have arrived this sentence because it finally conveys the information I wanted it to:

      The two interlinked goals of the Dawes Act–and of later acts that extended allotment to tribal nations not yet covered under the Dawes Act, including the Osage Nation–were to open more land for non-Native settlement and, in doing so, to dismantle Indigenous forms of collective life.

    4. Elizabeth W.*

      Ugh, I have been so busy not-writing. But in my head I’m doing things.

      Here’s one from my book I particularly like: “The future lurked ominously ahead, a grey, murky form like a diseased elephant, hiding just out of sight, waiting to trample him.”

    2. PB*

      I highly recommend a used Toyota. My first was a Corolla. It was 7 years old when I could it, and drove it for 11 years. Super safe, super affordable, easy to maintain, great gas mileage.

        1. ECHM*

          Hoping to replace my 2005 Toyota this coming spring. When I looked at the odometer this morning it was 294,001.

      2. curly sue*

        Absolutely. We’re still driving my 1999 Corolla and she’s chugging along smoothly. We had to have the brake lines redone last summer and the electrical system two years before that, but that’s it for major repairs. (The car is the same age as my relationship. I’m perversely proud of that.)

      3. Windchime*

        Seconding the used Corolla. I bought a 2-year-old Corolla in 1997. I drove it until 2004 and then Youngest Son drove it until 2015 or 16. It looked like crap by then (he had rolled it once in high school) but that car was the best purchase I’d ever made.

        Now Oldest Son and his wife both are driving used Corollas. Oldest Son is over 6’4″ and barely fits, but it’s a great commuting car and he loves it.

    3. Red Reader*

      Hondas last forever if decently maintained and are easy to work on. I still regularly see CR-Vs of a body style that was discontinued like…. fifteen years ago? Tooling around in great shape, and the Civic is practically indestructible. Very easy to find an older model that’s still in good shape, and my housemate’s dad’s Civic is at 240k miles on its original engine still.

      3. Seal*

        My 2007 Honda Civic just hit 100,o00 miles over Labor Day weekend and is still in fabulous shape. I drove it halfway across the country earlier this summer when I moved for a new job with no issues beyond a broken trunk latch (not sure what happened there but it was a relatively simple fix). Since I moved to a much colder area I plan to get an engine block heater installed the next time I bring it in for maintenance. I love that little car!

      4. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        Second this. Hondas are bulletproof. You could get a significantly used one if you are on a tight budget and probably still be fine. Just check/change the oil and fluids as recommended.

      5. Sh’Dynasty*

        I adore my Honda Fit! While I got it new, there are used ones out there. Perfect for DC driving/parking with good gas mileage. Before this I’ve had Acura and Honda (in the family) and they last for years on end. Completely comfortable in it, and I got the base model. Now that I have a kid, too, there is still room in the passenger side with a car seat in the back. Even if you don’t have kids/pets in the future, it’s great to know that if something unexpected happens you’ll be set with safety and space.

      6. The New Wanderer*

        I am the exception to the Honda legacy, but I still got 8+ years out of my Civic before the transmission needed major fixing. That’s probably due to circumstances specific to me (I drive hard, and the car came with me on 4 cross country moves to very different climates). I loved that car. Traded it in on a CRV that I also loved, then 10 years later traded that in on an Acura (guess how I feel about that one <3).

        1. Windchime*

          I’m now driving an Acura and I love it. They are spendy, but a relative had his for close to 400k miles with a transmission replacement as his only major repair. I hope to drive mine for many, many years.

    5. Engineering consultant*

      A slightly older Honda Civic or Toyota Corolla. Both of those cars are reliable, great gas mileage, and basically run for years and years if you keep up with the maintenance. My first car was a 2002 Honda Civic that I bought used in 2011 and I only upgraded to a SUV last year because of family reasons.

    6. Finn*

      I’ve driven two Camrys and I currently drive a Corolla. All bought used, all great cars and have never given me any trouble. I doubt I’ll ever buy a non-Toyota.

    7. Chaordic One*

      My main ride is a 2004 Honda Civic that I bought new and that now has 95,000 miles on it. I’m hoping to keep it for at least 5 more years and 50,000 miles. Before this one, I had a 1986 Honda Civic (also bought new) that had 205,000 miles on it when I traded it for the 2004.

    8. Raia*

      I have 2007 Prius that I got for $5K, rounding on my first year and I’ve had no issues whatsoever! My family rountinely keeps their Hondas for 15-20 years with minimal issues.

    9. Melody Pond*

      I LOVED my 2 door Toyota Echo. I got one in 2010 that was a year 2000 model, and it only had about 59K miles on it. It was the best car ever! It got insanely good gas mileage. Also, it was a stick shift, practically everything in it was manual (no power windows or seats, etc.), so it was very reliable. And I really liked the fact that the speedometer and all that stuff was actually in the center of the dashboard, and not directly behind my steering wheel – it seemed to reduce eye strain at night.

      I think the only downside to that car is that it had a high injury index rating (if that’s the correct term). Because it was so lightweight, if I were to have gotten in a bad wreck, the chances of injury would’ve been high.

      1. Anonymous Celebrity*

        Same experience here. I have a 2002 Toyota Echo, five-speed manual tranny, crank windows, two-door. It gets 43 mpg highway. I’m still driving it, and it has decent pickup and always passes the CA smog test. In all the years I’ve owned it, I’ve had to spend about $500 to fix the air conditioning unit. That’s been it for repairs. Regular maintenance, of course, chief of which is oil changes. It’s cheap to insure, too. And nobody wants to steal my car…it’s as far from “sexy” as you can get. Unfortunately, Echos are no longer made. I’ve got about 185,000 miles on the original engine. When it goes – I’m thinking in maybe another five to ten years – I’ll replace it with either a hybrid or an all-electric (depending on what the max range is between charges by the time I’m in the market to buy my next car). BTW, I paid $12,345 for the Echo, cash, brand new, with taxes, license, the whole nine yards, back in 2002. I LOVE that car.

      1. mrs__peel*

        I love my Kia Rio (the first ever car that I bought new)! It’s compact but feels very roomy when you’re sitting in the front, and you can fit a fair amount in the hatchback model. Going on 4 years with no problems whatsoever.

        Bonus: If you’re looking for a new car, it’s about the cheapest that you can get new.

    12. Blue_eyes*

      Honda Fit is a reliable small car with good gas milage. And the seats fold down in multiple ways for when you need to fit (ha!) more in the back. I had one right after college and now my parents have it (I moved to NYC and didn’t need a car). Look at Honda certified used ones if a new one is not in your budget. Hondas are usually pretty reliable and last for ages.

      1. T. Boone Pickens*

        I’ll echo a lot of other posters as I have a soft spot for Honda with my first car being an ’85 Accord (for reference I got my DL in ’96). It was the perfect first car, reliable as all get out and could get around in the snow which is a must if you live in the Midwest. Plus, it was a stick shift which is one of those random skills that you never think you need until you go to rent a car and all they have is manuals. I’ll also give a tip of the hat to Hyundais. My brother has owned 2 Hyundais (Santa Fe, Elentra) and I’ve owned 2 as well (Santa Fe, Tiburon) and we can probably count the number of non driver error problems we had with them on one hand.

        GL with whatever you decide to go with. One other tip, find yourself a good local mechanic that you can trust if you don’t plan on doing your own maintenance. They’re worth their weight in gold.

    13. Lady Alys*

      Check car complaints dot com to see whether a particular model year is known for any big spendy problems, e.g. 2003 Honda Accords with widespread transmission failure at around 100,000 miles.

  28. Butter Makes Things Better*

    On another ew note, any advice on how to gently and kindly tell my brother-in-law to stop talking to me like I’m one of his preteen kids or troubled students? His manner seems helpful and considerate at first blush, but the content is condescending and it comes off as if I need to be instructed. (We’re both in our late 40s.) I’ve been just politely ignoring him over the years, but my resentment is building. He doesn’t do it to his other brother’s wife, so it’s
    probably some combo of size-ism (I’m short, they’re both very tall), sexism and older brotherness (I’m his younger brother’s wife). I’m thinking of going with a calmly and AAM-approved emotionlessly delivered “When you say this, I feel some type of way” construction, a la “When you speak to me like that, I feel infantilized,” because he can’t argue with how I feel. But I can’t help the sense that I’m missing something more empowering. Thanks in advance!

    1. Foreign Octopus*

      Can you give some examples of the types of things he says? It’s a little hard to give specific suggestions without the context.

      Although, there was a letter recently about the boss who was speaking to her employee in a really infantilising sort of way due to her height – https://www.askamanager.org/2018/09/can-public-support-of-a-fired-employee-hurt-them-my-boss-talks-to-me-like-im-a-baby-and-more.html

      But I think you can just ask him to cut it out as in “BIL, it really bothers me when you speak to me like this, can you stop?” or “Hey, why do you speak to me like that? It’s really weird.”

      It depends on your relationship with him.

      1. Butter Makes Things Better*

        A recent example: We were waiting in a air-conditioned room before a tour in the 90-degree tropics and I was wearing a sweater because I was cold. We were given identifying stickers so the tour guides outside would know which groups were together. He said, “Where’s your sticker?” I had it on my tee shirt underneath. He said, “You should put it on your sweater so they can see it.”

        Well, duh, of course they need to see the sticker; I wasn’t going to wear my sweater outside. Alone, the incident is eye-roll-and-move-along, but the cumulative effect of his unsolicited “guidance” is wearisome. I’ve managed to adult without his help for decades, so why is he acting like it’s his job to usher me along? Ugh.

        1. Foreign Octopus*

          Eugh. That’s annoying.

          In that situation, I’d tell him “I’ve got it under control, thanks” and then ignore him but if you really want to sit down and have a proper conversation with him, I’d start by saying “I need to talk to you about something that’s bothering me. I don’t know if you realise it but when you speak to me you can be a bit patronising. I’d really like you to stop that, can you do that?”

          1. Butter Makes Things Better*

            “I’ve got it under control, thanks” is a perfect script. I’m trying to avoid turning it into a convo since I’ve never told him he’s bothering me before. Many thanks!

          2. neverjaunty*

            “I’ve got it under control, thanks” works particularly well if you first stare at him just a little too long to be comfortable, then speak in a very slow, enunciated tone. The impression you want to convey is that you can’t believe anyone would be such an ass but you’re too polite to come right out and say so.

        2. the gold digger*

          I would have actually said to him, “Well, duh, of course they need to see the sticker; I wasn’t going to wear my sweater outside” and maybe added, “Do you think I’m stupid?”

          I wouldn’t even calmly tell him his tone is condescending and that it makes me feel X because – a lot of people just wouldn’t care. I would snark back to every condescending thing he says and try to make him feel uncomfortable.

          And yes, I am totally thinking of my obnoxious BIL, for whom I never think of the proper response in time but have all kinds of zingy comebacks stockpiled at 2:00 a.m. At least with Ted, I have the happiness of knowing that I am the beneficiary of Sly’s IRA, not him. He was furious when Sly died and disinherited him and Primo. Primo got Sly’s IRA because Sly hadn’t updated the beneficiary after Doris died. Primo was the secondary beneficiary. Ted thought Primo should make Ted the beneficiary when Primo dies, but – Primo said nope. Ha. So I win.

            1. Khlovia*

              And if you ever decide you’re done with being too polite to come out and say so:

              “Y’know, Fred, for fifteen years I’ve been racking my brain to try to figure out what I ever did or said to you to cause you to believe I have an IQ of 82; but since in fact I have an IQ of 129, you wanna maybe knock that the hell off starting immediately?”

              I’m all grrrrr on your behalf.

    2. TL -*

      Can you tell him he’s got his parenting voice on?
      My best friend is a teacher and we *definitely* had a conversation or two where I ended up saying, “It’s really insulting when you talk to me with your teacher voice. I’m not a student. You need to stop.”

      I said it flatly, not heatedly, but I was pretty serious and it got my point across.

      Then again, I had to tell another student in my department that she was being condescending (also trained as a teacher, also using her teacher voice on me) and she didn’t get it at all. She was so incredibly out of line, though, that I’m not sure she had any idea how to talk to a colleague appropriately.

      2. Double A*

        I definitely sometimes use my teacher voice on my husband and apologize for it as soon as I realize I’m doing it.

        There was also awhile where I worked with autistic kids, so my habit was to be really explicit about each step of a process because many of them can’t infer the subtext of your request. Turns out you can sound really insulting to neurotypical adults when you do this to them, and I’d have to be like, “I’m sorry, I’m in autism mode.”

        2. Langerhan*

          As an undercover autistic adult, I’m always super keen on explicit instructions and it seems very odd to me that anyone would prefer to be instructed subtextually.

          1. TL -*

            If you can fill in the steps yourself, it can be incredibly frustrating (and also come off as condescending) to have someone point out the obvious to you over and over again – it also strains my attention span. Just depends on the audience – usually self-aware people will try to course correct towards more or less explicit steps as they get to know a person better and understand their background knowledge and preferences.

            1. Langerhan*

              That’s interesting, thanks for responding.

              I suppose it depends on how explicit and how repetitive the person is being – for instance, I would much rather be told “fill in these particular forms about teapot reallocation and give them to Cersei” than be told “make sure Cersei’s got what she needs for the teapot reallocation project”, because to me the latter would leave too much open. (Does she need other forms as well? What forms does she already have? Do I need to talk to her about this? What if there are forms she doesn’t know she needs?) Being told how to fill in the forms step-by-step would grate on me if I’d done it a hundred times before, but Double A just said she was getting rid of subtext inference, not repeating herself. It sounds like Double A is aware of what she’s doing, though, and course-corrects pretty well.

              1. TL -*

                Whereas I would generally rather be told “make sure she’s got what she’s need”, assuming it’s a task I have some familiarity with. I’m generally pretty good at figuring out the most likely situation and working from there. Plus, I definitely prefer a more independent environment where I can reach out for more support if I need it but am not getting it uploaded upfront.

                Different strokes for different folks!

          2. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

            If I may make an analogy:

            I copied a cake recipe last night. The recipe said for one step, “2 Beat egg yolks with sugar: Beat egg yolks with the granulated sugar until they are thick and pale yellow and form a ribbon when they fall from the beater, about 2 to 3 minutes on medium speed of an electric hand mixer.”

            I wrote that down as, “Egg yolks, sugar> beat till ribbon.” Since I’m an experienced baker, I already know the rest of the stuff. And its easier and faster for me to read the short version when I’m glancing at the recipe to see what to do next.

            Same with conversation. If I already know the rest of the stuff, why do I need to be told?

    3. Ender*

      There are 4 teachers in my family and I used to be a lecturer. It’s definitely a thing. When teachers explain things they automatically slip into their teacher voice. I’ve done it myself.

      It’s weird that he doesn’t do it to his other sister in law – have you seen him explaining things to her? In my experience teachers do it all the time to everyone they are explaining things to.

      1. Butter Makes Things Better*

        No, but I think it’s because he’s not explaining concepts, he’s handling me like I’m a cat to be herded. (This, even though I don’t cause them to be late, I don’t get lost, I don’t walk around in a daze, etc.) Sister-in-law is a Type A, Excel spreadsheet-organized mom, so she just vibes “I got this.” I could try to exude that same vibe, but I’m usually in relaxation mode and playing board games with the kids when we visit. Hmm, maybe it’s because I don’t have kids … ?

    4. chi chan*

      “I don’t like your tone.” and “Don’t patronize me.” or even “Feels like you are patronizing me”. Say it in a bored sort of voice and if possible aside from other people. He will say some stuff but hopefully in the future he will make an effort to avoid it when talking to you.

      1. Butter Makes Things Better*

        Thanks! “I feel like you’re patronizing me” will be great to have on tap if he doesn’t quit it after I tell him I’ve got it.

    5. LilySparrow*

      Of course, it depends on your family culture and your relationship with your brother in law. But I find that careful, formal wording just emphasizes the disparity. It doesn’t make people see me as an equal.

      I’ve had far more success with blunt, casual wording like, “Dude, how old do you think I am?” Or “Thanks, mommy.”

      1. Butter Makes Things Better*

        Interesting! My impression is that he’ll take me less seriously if I’m casual or sarcastic, but I’ll keep these in my quiver too.

        1. LilySparrow*

          Like I said, it depends on the person. Most of the people I’ve had to push back on about things are somewhat bro-ish, and a good whack with the metaphorical rolled-up newspaper is easiest for them to absorb.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        I was thinking I’d go with “Thanks, mom”. But I would use it over and over and over until a light bulb went on.

    6. HannahS*

      Depending on your relationship, a wry smile and, “Don’t you worry about it, John. I’m not one of your kids” or, “John, I’m a grown-up” or “I’m short, John, but I’m not one of your children/students” in an “I’ve got this” voice can work.

    7. chi type*

      It’s also often said in advice columns that the blood relation (or family-of-origin relation) should be in charge of handling obnoxious family.
      So your husband could go to his brother and say “hey do you think you could lay off the condescending tone with Spouse?” Sometimes it works better for him to deal with his family…

    8. valentine*

      I would broken-record “You wanna make something of it?” Tell him to stop, but don’t tell him you feel x, because he’ll just tell you you shouldn’t feel that way or derail on intention.

  29. JaneB*

    Terrible week at the place we don’t talk about, but I have a new furry housemate who is currently well hidden under a chair and occasionally complaining about… somethzing. Collected him from the shelter this morning. Yay for second hand cats! (He’s black, fluffy, middle aged and has a I’m Done With This World Let Me Get Off expression which is oh so relatable. Pics may follow if he decides I’m trustworthy today. Letting him take as long as it takes…

    1. Hellanon*

      Yep, I’ve gotten several of my cats used & it’s been great. Enjoy your new fuzzball & I’m sure curiosity will overcome trepidation at some point soon – when my current tortie arrived from the rescue 12 years ago, I spent a couple hours just sitting on the floor with a book waiting for her to venture out. Which she did, eventually. You’ll get there…

    2. A.N. O'Nyme*

      Mine is a former stray who one day decided our garden was his home now. He’s starting to come inside more and more (and sleeps inside near my feet at night) – bribing him with food definitely helps :) . He’s such a sweet boy. Enjoy your new addition to the family!

    3. No Tribble At All*

      Congrats on your new fluffy roommate! I have a furry black mushroom sitting on my hip as a type this. :)

      1. JaneB*

        He’s still in a very hidden corner, but he’s eaten the snack I left out for him so he’s not completely terrified… I’ll spend a few hours tonight in his room with a book, let him get used to me…

          1. JaneB*

            An hour into my sitting and reading, and he butted my leg… he is a total love bug for ear scritchies it turns out! Awww!!

            1. Khlovia*

              Congratulations on acquisition of excellent recipient of all your future spare skritchies you need to unload!

  30. Foreign Octopus*

    You know what? This entire thing is getting way too toxic for the weekend open thread – people are being passive aggressive and just rude (myself included) and this is not the right place or forum for it.

    Alison, I apologise for bringing this onto the open thread. I meant to have a vent about a situation that frustrated me and people are reacting weirdly to it and not at all how I intended. Would it be possible for you to delete this part of the thread to avoid further toxicity?

    I think we’ve all had enough this week and I don’t want AAM to be full of it as well.

  31. I am still Furious!!*

    Weekly Divorce Update :) Not so furious any longer…but keeping the name in case anyone wants to search out prior posts…

    Having trouble typing this, but for a good reason. 2 of my 3 cats are with me, and are doing well. So far, so good, no problems! They are now out of hiding and acclimating well. The reason I’m having trouble is because one of them loves to headbutt my hands as I type, so he sits on the computer desk and reaches down to bat my hands or headbutt while I’m typing on the keyboard in the slide out tray. It’s either that, or he sits on the floor, and reaches up with both front legs to wrap around one of my arms and just dangle there. He’s a hoot. He and his half sister curl up with me at night, and it’s so good to be with them again.

    I got rid of the major appliances at the house, and the few things I need to get out are too heavy for me to move, so the man buying the house is going to help me this weekend. We drew up an article of agreement, signed it yesterday, so the house isn’t my problem. He’s already started gutting it and I’m happy that it’s not my problem any longer, I’ll get enough money to pay off the second part of the divorce settlement, and I’m free of the memories. Plus, there was no way I could have afforded to make all the improvements and repairs necessary. The insurance company is working with us, so there will be insurance. They decided not to drop it, and they’re taking off STBEXH’s name and adding the names (man and wife) who are buying it. So all of that is done too.

    So now, I’m at my Mom’s. I need to go through all the stuff I brought here and decide what to keep and what to get rid of. I hope to get that done this Fall. Cable is all hooked up, my HD TV is up and running, and I’m getting into a routine.

    STBEXH picked up more of his stuff, and asked me when his health insurance ended, so I told him, on November 1, or whenever the final paperwork is signed, so please remember you have an appointment with your attorney that day to sign the paper. He said he already signed it, and his attorney was waiting to file it on Nov 1 (which is what I want, so I don’t have to pay COBRA rates to cover his insurance through Oct 31). I didn’t react, just said, OK, but remember – he said that he wanted to go back and revisit all of this, that he thought he should have gone for more money, he wasn’t going to sign, etc. I had sent an email to my attorney about all of it and I had been worried that this whole mess would get reopened, but…I worried for nothing. On Nov 1, the paperwork will go to the courthouse and this will be over.

    Learning to navigate around Mom, she stresses about EVERYTHING. Every time she complains, I remind her of the blessings in our lives, and leave it at that.

    So, all is well for now. 2 of my cats are with me. Other cat is with the neighbors. People buying my house like him, too, and will also watch out for him. House is gone. Stuff is mostly gone. Just gotta get through October.

    32 Days!!

    1. Ender*

      Glad to hear thinks are continuing to move along apace. I think it was either you or nervous accountant (or both?) who said that your mom thinks the world is really bad now and sees the negative in everything. So I have a book recommendation for your mom! It’s called “factfulness” and it’s all about how the world is actually getting significantly better not worse. I saw it recommended on here actually and I bought it and it’s great.

    3. OperaArt*

      I look for your posts each weekend. You have the courage of persistence even when emotions and circumstances are trying to pile into a mountain on top if you.
      I hope that you will continue to check in once in awhile even after the papers are filed.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Same from me.
        IASF, I am enjoying “seeing” the progress you have made, your writing voice is getting stronger each week now.
        You are so making this come together and making it work. You have come such a very long way.

    4. Ali G*

      You are amazing! Hopefully you and your mom and work into a routine and she will relax. I am really glad you figured out the cat situation. Having them with you will help you through the next 32 days.
      I look forward to counting down the weeks!

    5. Woodswoman*

      This is all such great news. It’s great to hear that you’ve got your two cats and that the third is in a good place since you could only have two with you. It seems like you’re past the lots-to-do stage and instead at the wrapping-things-up stage. You’ve moved mountains both in all that has had to be done as well as emotionally. I look forward to your updates on the weekends—-you continue to impress the heck out of me!

      1. I am still Furious!!*

        Thank you! And thanks to everyone who comments! I really feel like everything is winding down, now. I went out to my old house today to pick up a few more things – the new owners are SUPER great and not only helping the neighbors with my cat, they’re not rushing me for those last few things. I see kindness all around me, and it continues to surprise me and it’s great to know that there are good people out there.

        I have to admit, I’m scared. I’ve never not had a permanent home before. I went from my parent’s, to college, back to my parents, to my own apartment, got married, and now here we are. But I know that I’m in a much better place than I was over a year ago.

        Now to get through October!

    6. ThursdaysGeek*

      Thank you for keeping your name – I look for you and your updates each week. If and when you decide to change, just refer to ‘furious’ when you do, and make is something searchable.

    7. Isotopes*

      I look forward to these updates every single week. I’m at the start of my divorce journey right now and it SUCKS, so following your progress through things has really been uplifting. I’m so happy for you! And so proud of all the hard work you’ve done.

      Reading your posts has actually been a great source of strength for me over the past couple months, especially, because it’s been helping me to realize that I made the right decision and this is going to be good for me. It might be difficult, but there’s hope at the end. So…thank you.

  32. WellRed*

    Going to see a truly classic rock band tonight: Three Dog Night. Downside: we couldnt gwt seats and will have to stand. I remember when that wasn’t a problem : /

    1. the gold digger*

      You would have had to stand anyhow! We saw Ringo Starr recently and I was really excited thinking this was an old-persons’ concert and they will sit so I can sit and see.

      Nope.

      They stood.

      Honestly. What’s the point of paying for a seat if you’re going to stand anyhow?

    2. Waiting for the Sun*

      I had so much adrenaline at my last concert, someone who’s iconic to me, that I stood near the stage the entire time even though I’m 59-plus and not petite. Wear comfortable shoes and enjoy. :-)

    3. Kathenus*

      Oooh, I’m jealous. I’ve seen them a couple of times, years back. One of the best was Three Dog Night and America double bill. Have a great time!

    4. Mimmy*

      I hear ya there. Standing for long periods is getting harder and harder for me. When it’s a favorite artist / band, the adrenaline helps, but I remember the last time I saw my favorite artist in 2012, I was hurting upon leaving the venue. My husband’s legs were sore too.

      Anyway….enjoy!!

    5. NoMoreMrFixit*

      I saw them live back in the mid 80s. They were AWESOME! Outdoor concert in Toronto at the Ontario Place Forum. Caught the afternoon show and hung around for the evening show. Those guys put on a fantastic show. Easily one of the top 10 acts I’ve ever seen live.

    6. WellRed*

      Awesome show tonite! Such fun, they sound great, looked like they were having fun and played all my faves. Feet are killing me.

  33. nep*

    Doing transcribing (this is not about work, though), I hear so many females ASKING every statement. There’s a lot to that, I think.
    I suppose some people can pick up habits from others around them and for some there’s nothing to read into it. But this almost inability or unwillingness to make a statement, make a declarative statement without turning it up at the end like a question. Own it. There is something to this asking everything, as in, am I allowed to say this? Will the listener approve? Do I have permission?

    1. nep*

      (I know it’s not only females who do this. I don’t know if I’m reading too much into it, or this week I’m just really hyper sensitive because of recent events. Just disturbing sometimes to hear women sounding like they don’t want to just state something without turning everything into questions.)

    2. FD*

      No I agree with you. I do think it’s more than just habit–I think it is conditioned behavior and I think it’s also a tough balance to follow. A woman who speaks as firmly as a man often gets punished for it, and it’s often perceived as ‘arrogant’ or ‘bossy’, and is likely to get you tarred as a b***h, which is still a slur with a lot of power. Using a questioning tone softens statements and makes that less likely…but then you have trouble being taken seriously, and people don’t see you as having enough presence.

      It’s frustrating for sure, because I don’t think it’s as simple as ‘retrain yourself to not use rising intonation at the end of sentences’; it’s more a matter of ‘finding the balance that works for me in the specific context wherein I’m working to be seen as sufficiently authoritative without alienating people.’

      Which is BS. But I do feel like that’s the juggling act we seem to be stuck with ATM.

    3. Foreign Octopus*

      I think this week has made us all a little hypersensitive and I’m speaking as a non-American when I say that but I would agree that the uncertainty of making a statement is more often found in women. I know I’ve been guilty of it in the past. Even whilst teaching this morning, I corrected a student – he said “they costed” and I told him cost is an irregular verb so it’s cost – cost – cost and he was certain that he’d heard costed somewhere before and my definitive statement immediately softened and I started questioning myself.

      I think it’s very much the feeling of – am I qualified enough to say this?

      I’m working on being more confident (because who wants a teacher who’s not sure of themselves?) but it’s hard to break ingrained habits, which I think definitely stems from our cultural environment.

      1. nep*

        Ah, yes. I’m sure that’s often the case. It’s certainly not always a ‘do I have permission to say this’ thing, I’m sure.

        1. Hellanon*

          From a functional linguistics perspective that’s more likely what’s going on – ‘checking understanding’ is a better frame for that vocal behavior than ‘asking permission to speak’ and fits in more generally with what women typically tend to do in conversation, which is establish shared knowledge. I watch my students do this (the uptalk, yes, but also the way they come at their points from multiple directions) and it makes sense, beyond the formal literature on socialized variations in men’s and women’s speech.

    5. Lissa*

      There are a few podcasts that I listen to, and there are a couple with male and female speakers – I notice in a couple that often the female speaker, especially if she’s the only woman, will often start sentences with “Can I say something?” or similar. Once I started noticing I can’t unhear it…

    6. fposte*

      I think this is more complicated than this, because the notion that upturned endings are weaker is itself a bit of a gendered construct, and region and generation are huge here (the whole of Australia loves uptalk). It’s also tremendously contagious–I was just reading one of the first pieces to ever use the term “uptalk,” from around 2005, and it was by a professor who noted that he quickly started uptalking in response to his students.

      I’m a big fan of code-switching and controlling your presentation, so I think it’s definitely worth people being conscious about their intonation and its effect. But I think the way we *read* uptalk is, interestingly, as culturally specific as uptalk itself.

      1. nep*

        Sure. It’s clear that if 50 people are doing, there might be 50 ‘reasons’ (conditioning, culture, simply a style one has picked up, asking, checking for comprehension…)

      2. Gloucesterina*

        Yes, I think there’s been research that shows that both men and women use uptalk (and I think especially men and women in positions of authority talking to people lower in the hierarchy, so it has something to do with softening commands or ensuring compliance). But uptalk is less likely to be remarked upon and/or perceived as diminishing the speaker’s authority when it’s used by men.

    7. Close Bracket*

      It’s called upspeak. Yes, it’s highly gendered, and your response to it falls right in with gendered assumptions. As others have pointed out, it’s fairly linguistically complex. Do a little research on women’s (not female’s, they aren’t cattle) speech patterns.

      3. Triplestep*

        Are you saying that acknowledging upspeak is annoying and makes the speaker sound unsure is sexist because it’s more common in girls and women? (I assume it’s OK to say “girl” – a word I use to describe someone if she’s under the age of about 18.)

        If that’s what you’re saying – that the RESPONSE is the problem and we shouldn’t encourage women to sound more confident – I could not disagree more. And I don’t need to do research, thanks – I am a 55 year old woman with more than 30 years of workplace experience who has seen how irritating and contagious upspeak is, and how men aren’t penalized for using it.

        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          No, the issue is that studies have shown that both men and women do it, but by and large people only say it makes women sound unsure/lacking in confidence. They’re mostly fine with it when men do it. That’s the sexism.

          Please don’t be snide to people here.

          2. Triplestep*

            Yes, see my second paragraph. I can see that men are not penalized for using upspeak which to me is all the more reason to acknowledge that women are doing themselves a disservice by using it. I *wish* I had some way of telling my 23 year-old niece – who is wonderful and brilliant – to cut it out with the upspeak! But perhaps I’m not a good representation of the general population because I think it makes men sound ridiculous and annoying as well.

            On the question of being snide, are you referring to my “girl” remark? I was not being sarcastic. I did not know it wasn’t OK to say “female”. Might be a generational thing – my parents did not understand why I bristled at being called a “girl” after I left home for college.

            1. Ask a Manager* Post author

              Whoops, sorry, no, I mixed up your comment with the really unkind one above that I removed and left a note about. I’m sorry about that! (But yeah, “females” is considered to be dehumanizing; you rarely hear people use “males” as a noun when they’re talking about human men. That said, plenty of people don’t realize that and should be more of a “politely educate” thing than a scolding thing.)

              1. nep*

                Original user of ‘females’ here. Just to note I use ‘males’ quite often, but your point well taken.
                (‘They’re not cattle,’ on the other hand…a bit much.)

              2. Triplestep*

                Well, good thing I hardly ever use the word “female”! Seemed OK in the OP though, because we don’t know the age of the people for whom nep is transcribing.

              3. JamieS*

                I use males and/or females in speech because unlike most I differentiate between sex and gender so will use males/female to indicate I’m referring to members of a biological sex as opposed to groups of a gender in which case I’ll use man/woman. I don’t know why others use female but people also use males as well and it’s not inherently dehumanizing unless you go out of your way to find it to be so. If the entirety of someone’s message is insulting, demeaning, or otherwise inappropriate then call it out but this whole trying to control other people’s language because you’ve decided you don’t like a word that isn’t inherently insulting or a slur is ridiculous.

                1. nep*

                  Currently transcribing really inspiring and positive remarks by a women in southern Africa. She uses ‘female’ throughout to refer to women and young girls. So, yeah, any hangups there also a cultural thing, it seems.

                3. Grapey*

                  Agreed, as someone that works in the biological sciences it’s pretty easy to see when someone is using ‘female’ as a perjorative vs a factual way.

              4. LCL*

                Link in post, needs moderation.

                This is Alison’s blog and Alison’s rules and I am working hard at following them. I understand the objections to the females/men description, and to the males/females description. You will still run into the females/males useage in military, law enforcement, and the trades. Check out the article published in the New York Times last Thursday. Great read about Debbie Manzano, the new boss of Ford’s F-150 production. The Times, and Debbie Manzano, use men/women/males/females without any consistency, from either party. Personally I’m more offended by the Times’ slightly breathless awestruck tone of the trappings of production work, but that’s how the Times has always done it. Link below.

                https://www.nytimes.com/2018/09/27/business/ford-f150-rouge-plant-manager.html

    8. Kat in VA*

      I was a transcriptionist for a while and yes, women do tend to engage in uptalk more than men. It was a trait of younger women, predominantly.

  34. Finn*

    I JUST bought that book yesterday and I’m so excited to read it! I’ve heard her new one is also excellent.

  35. WellRed*

    So, i learned my brother is spending a month detoxing (heroin? Not sure) at mom’s. They cooked tjis idea up because apparently getting him away from bad influences and home cooking is enough. She lives 4 hours away and he got pulled over for DUI on his drive down. She and a friend had to drive up, bail him out and bring back him and his car. When I asked her where his keys were, oh, they are on the table. He’s not allowed to drive, so he won’t. Clueless. Clueless. My brother us in his late 4os and refuses professional help.

    1. MattKnifeNinja*

      Addicts and codependency what a fun combination.

      Sending you strength for when mom calls about how horrible your brother is because he did x, y and z. Or when she hits you up for more bail money.

      I guess bad influences were he couldn’t game his friends any more for money/drugs and booze/three hots and a cot. He’s not stupid. He can game mom.

      Good luck. Went through a similar thing in my family.

    2. Mallory*

      Oh man, this would have been my mom & brother except fortunately/unfortunately my brother wrecked his car and landed in the Hosptial after his 3rd DUI so no car. And then he went to court and got mandatory jail time (did 27 days). Now he’s 5 years out and at least has wisened up and while he no longer has to check in with parole, he has kept his ignition lock breathalyzer to keep him from driving drunk. Suppose that’s a step in the right direction. He’s 32.

      1. Observer*

        Sure it’s a step in the right direction! At least he won’t kill someone else.

        It’s a shame he can’t go the next step though.

  36. Slartibartfast*

    I have had Paul McCartney’s new album Egypt Station on repeat all week. When I really like a song I have to play it on repeat until it’s memorized or my brain will play it on a loop trying to fill in the holes. I’m doing it with the whole album!!! So good!!!

    What new music is everyone else listening to?

    3. Forking great username*

      My husband is also super into the new Paul McCartney. My musical tastes still think I’m a pop-punk-emo teen in the early to mid 2000s, so I have been listening to the new Good Charlotte album. Seeing/meeting them in November as well – so excited!

    4. Elizabeth W.*

      Just new soundtracks on my soundtrack station. I forget which new ones they added recently—Solo: A Star Wars Story was one, and a bunch of video game soundtracks.

      I got the Infinity War soundtrack and I’ve been listening to that. Alan Silvestri really outdid himself. D’:

    5. Catherine*

      I have gotten really into Sarah and the Safe Word lately! If you’re into Panic! at the Disco or Dresden Dolls, it’s a similar vibe, very theatrical.

  37. poetry writing*

    I participated in an open mic this past week for the first time ever, reading 2 of my poems. I am so glad I did it, it was brave of me I think, even though there were some things that threw me off. In particular it was a bit weird that the host or no one really commented on my reading. I don’t think I was expecting praise necessarily but a “thank you for sharing” would have been nice. It seems I was the only one without a friend or several, and the host clearly didn’t remember ever seeing me (based on her questions when I signed up to speak) and never said anything to me after my reading or later (and of course, I noticed she did go talk to others she seemed to know). This was a tiny event, maybe 5 of us reading. So it was hard to share something that felt really personal and not get any acknowledgment but overall I am glad I did it for myself and proud of it.

    2. Triplestep*

      I think it was brave of you, too!

      I’m sorry no one really acknowledged your reading, but it does sound like they might be kind of an insular bunch. I hope you do it again, and that it will feel more comfortable and less foreign. If you keep going, you’ll surely remember to acknowledge the newbies who might feel the way you did on your first night.

  38. National park*

    I’m planning a wedding, but my partner and I are already legally married. We signed marriage liscenses last year to get on the same health insurance while moving and job searching. We’re not traditional in the slightest, but still want to throw a fun wedding weekend to celebrate with all of our friends. I’ve only been to weddings that had an aisle and I do’s, but that doesn’t seem necessary for us. We’re also very private people and don’t love the idea of reciting vows. Has anyone had or attended a ceremony alternative that went over well?

    1. Enough*

      Why does it have to be a ‘wedding’? Why not just have a party to celebrate. Do all the reception things, have a few speeches and mingle with your friends.

      1. National park*

        Good point- for a while we were referring to the event as “the party” but started using wedding to ease the conversation I guess? The speeches and mingling will be a focus though!

        1. Reba*

          Yeah, we went to a really fun, super casual, post-courthouse-wedding party in a local park a few years back. It was catered, had bubbles and games for kids and a beautiful afternoon of chatting and eating for guests. The couple seemed to be just as married for having done the legal bit privately ;)

        2. Close Bracket*

          My dream wedding, in as much as I have one, involves walking down the aisle with my partner at my side. The walking down the aisle part does serve a purpose-it directs attention to the couple and the ceremony about to begin. Maybe you could make a temporary aisle-like area, just a clear space for the two you to walk to the head of the room/table/area where the officiant or MC is, make the speeches, which don’t have to include vows, and then start/continue the mingling.

      2. Falling Diphthong*

        I was going to recommend this.

        I had two friends who had family concentrated in Europe and US west coast, with lots of (young and poor) friends on the east coast where they had met. They got married in one of those locales and then had reception-type parties afterward in the other two.

        1. so many weddings*

          That’s what we did for our wedding: got married by ourselves (only parents present) and had one party each on the continents where our families live. We asked the officiant from the official wedding for a copy of her speech and then asked a friend to read it at the North American party to make it seem more like a “real wedding” — otherwise there would have been upset elders, and this was a good compromise for us. The European party was just a big party, but people wore fancy clothes.

      3. Triplestep*

        I agree with this – I would go back to calling it “the party” and don’t put any pressure on yourselves to do anything that feels uncomfortable just because it is traditionally wedding-related.

        Congrats on your marriage (belated) and have fun at your party!

    2. Almost Academic*

      There’s plenty of people that throw a “reception-only” wedding bash. I love attending these. I’ve been to ones that are board game parties, brunch, held in a favorite restaurant, circus tent, etc. Usually there are a few toasts to the happy couple thrown in, and some wedding traditions, but really it can be as casual as you want. They’re my favorite kinds of weddings to attend! The offbeatbride archives might have some suggestions of non-traditional weddings for you to draw inspiration from as well.

      Congrats!

      1. National park*

        Thank you! I suppose just thinking of it as a weekend of partying to celebrate the relationship makes sense. I’ll check out Offbeatbride as well!

      2. Old Biddy*

        We got married at the courthouse and had a BBQ party/reception two days later. It was a wonderful party and no one seemed bothered by the lack of a ceremony.

        1. Green*

          Yes, when I attend weddings, the ceremony part is always the boring part, I’m just waiting for the party part :)

    3. UnderOrange*

      Oh hey, this is exactly what I’ll be doing! We aren’t married yet but it’s just a matter of paperwork. As for the party, we’re thinking of hosting a murder mystery wedding, lol.

      We’ve just decided it’s not a secret that we’ll be married a few years before the party, but we’re both naturally kinda private so I doubt it’ll come up much.

      Sorry I can’t offer stories since none of it has happened yet, but hey you’re definitely not the only one doing this.

      1. National park*

        The camaraderie is appreciated! Most of our friends and our entire families know about it, it’s just been interesting finding a party idea that works for us. Murder mystery wedding sounds fabulous!

        1. UnderOrange*

          My mom wants it to be 20s theme and I had to be like omg I can barely get people to show up to things if you think I can tell them to dress up like flappers I have unfortunate news, lol.

          Luckily everyone’s being pretty chill about giving us time to plan, so right now we’re still in daydreaming mode.

    4. Penguin*

      Friends of mine are getting married (ceremonially) soon. While they are having an officiant and some kind of “I do”-type exchange, that’s mostly just a place for them to say “I feel this way about you” to each other before they have a party for the rest of the day.

      I also know a couple acquaintances who called a bunch of friends together for a party, then at the party said “By the way, we’re getting married” had a minister friend stand up and say “I witness this” and then went on with the party.

      Your wedding is for you. Others will have their own thoughts and feelings, but you are not required to cater to those. (Caveat: I recognize that human relationships can be fraught and there are times when placating someone is worth the cost.) If you don’t want to recite vows (as another very private person, I totally hear you on this!) then don’t! YOU are the ones getting married; not your parents/relations/Bob’s second cousin/Great Aunt Gertrude- you. If someone doesn’t like the fact that your wedding doesn’t fit their idea of what a wedding “should” look like… wait, who’s wedding is this? Who arranged it? Who’s paying for it? Oh right, NOT THEM. You are.

      Your wedding should look like how you want it to look. If you want a cathedral and organ music and processions, go you. If you want a kiss under a tree where you read poetry to each other, go you! If you want a pun competition where a handful of your friends vote and the winner gets a pie to the face… well, you get the idea. Maybe instead of thinking “What should our wedding look like?” think “What do we want to do to celebrate a fun and good thing?” and go from there? Best of luck!!

      1. Penguin*

        Addendum to add: I will be attending a costumed wedding (sort of like a masquerade ball) soon. So there’s that for a crazy idea!

    5. Red*

      My husband and I had a private courthouse wedding and then had a big anniversary party where we invited all our family and friends to meet each other, share some food, and celebrate. It was perfect and I would do it all over again in a heartbeat

    6. June*

      My friends had what I thought was the most lovely wedding.

      They invited only a handful of people, and made a little ceremony where the officiant made a little speech about what she discovered about each of them when talking to them in preparation for the event. Then she had them recite a list they had made of things that they valued in each other. Then some friends read some poems/readings that the couple chose, and they played their favorite song on a boom box. All very non-traditional, but still about them.

      The whole thing was about 20 minutes and very sweet. Then we went out to a nice restaurant for drinks and a nice meal.

      1. Inspector Gadget*

        Agreed! They have many many weddings you can browse through that are similar to what it sounds like you want.

    8. Woodswoman*

      Here are two weddings events that were enjoyable and low-key, both the weddings of siblings.

      My brother and his wife had a large yard. We all formed a circle, with those who could stand doing so and chairs provided for those who needed to sit. My brother has always been the comedian of our family, and the informal ceremony made us all laugh. It was a potluck and afterward we all got together at tables on their enclosed back porch to eat and chat. I think there were about 30 people.

      My sister and her husband got married on a scenic patio of a nature center outside of town. The ceremony was brief, and then we headed inside the nature center’s hall for food. My sister loves to cook and she and her friends made all the food. Another relaxed wedding.

      For the ceremonies, I got to sing at the first and play an instrument for the second. Lucky me.

    9. Interrodroid3000*

      So my spouse & I also did not want to recite vows or do any of the western-style ceremony stuff. So we basically turned it into a party weekend, with a picnic in the afternoon & a drunken tour of the city in the evening (we live in a city where you can drink in public, and we were also tour guides when we met.)

      At each stop on the tour, we picked someone to say something about the place. Some people turned it into a comedy routine, some people used it as an excuse to say nice things about us, some people actually talked about the history.

    10. Greymalk*

      We did a Halloween murder mystery party… where the wedding was part of the murder mystery! It was great, a friend wrote the general character list specific for our 25 guests and the general outline and clues… and we had drinks and appetizers from the start, dinner was stuff made by my family, and the officiant was an acquaintance who played along and had a great time. It was at my cousins house who had a great room that led into a perfect backyard with tables and chairs, and a central spot for the ceremony… no aisle, but we walked there together (my dad passed away a few years before so this was designed to not be so painful for us); we aren’t big dancers so continuing on with dinner and the muder mystery was a fun way to continue the evening…

  39. The Babiest Babyface*

    I’m in what I perceive as conflict with a (relatively new- it’s still the first semester!) friend, and it has me feeling suffocated. But, I know she doesn’t see it as an issue and is completely apathetic to it. Can I get some advice as to how let go of my own feelings in this situation? I know this is a really vague description, but I’m not trying to blast other people’s business all over workplace advice columns

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Would it be easier if you thought of her as an acquaintance? To me acquaintance status helps me to dial back any need I might have to work through an issue.
          Can you compare this setting to a similar setting in the past where you had a person who was incompatible but you both hammered out a superficial relationship?

          Sometimes snark helps me:
          Acquaintance says ridiculous thing.
          I think to myself, “Let me know how that goes for you.”
          The subtly here is that I force myself to think along the lines of “Your life. Live it.”

          Other times I can just chant the word, “detach, detach” over and over to myself.

    2. ronda*

      What do you want to happen?

      If it is something she is doing and you dont think she will stop, avoid is probably the answer.

      If conflict is in the past and you have continuing feelings about it, but she does not, then what will help you to stop having feelings about it? avoiding can help in this case too. But maybe you need to talk it over with her or someone to help resolve your feelings.

      I had someone tell me that your thoughts create your feelings, so you need to change how you think about things to change your feelings. So examine what you are thinking about this and think of other ways to think about it and see if that helps.

    3. Not A Manager*

      This is very vague, but I’m getting the idea that maybe the friendship is over, but you are still feeling a certain way – angry? hurt? – and she is not engaging with you about it? If that’s the case, I suggest avoiding interactions with her as much as possible. Don’t put yourself in a position where her “apathy” can hurt your feelings.

      You, on the other hand, get to feel your feelings. Write them down, tell a sympathetic friend, go to your college counseling if that feels right to you. I think it’s easier to “let it go” after you’ve honored your feelings, rather than just trying to talk yourself out of them.

  40. Need energy bar recommedations*

    Energy bar, protein bar, whatever you call them — can anyone recommend bars that don’t have nuts? At the store I go to that section and I swear there are like 50 different bars and I’ve tried reading all the labels but it’s exhausting. I am not allergic to nuts, nut butters are fine; I broke my bottom denture and can’t chew things like nuts. I’ve tried making them a couple of times but they were just Not Good. Thanks in advance for any recommendations.

    1. National park*

      Clif Nut Butter bars are great. They have a soft and chewy texture so they’re easy to break apart, but the inside is just nut butter so there’s generally no whole nut chunks. I love the coconut almond butter flavor. Safeway generally has good prices, otherwise Amazon has the next best deal.

      1. Nina*

        Second these. The Clif NB bars are delicious, and the butter is smooth, not chunky or grainy. The chocolate hazelnut and coconut almond flavors are good.

    2. nep*

      Some of the protein plus bars might have nuts as an ingredient, but the inside is like a blend, no nuts to be chewed. The vanilla one and chocolate peanut butter come to mind.

    3. kerlin*

      Luna protein bars. Easy to chew, delicious taste, high in protein. I like the chocolate chip cookie dough flavor best.

    4. LilySparrow*

      If you have a Costco membership, we’ve started getting the Kirkland brand. They are sweetened with stevia, so much lower sugar content. Very chewy and there are bits – some facsimile of chocolate chips, I think – but nothing hard like nuts. They are quite tasty.

    5. The New Wanderer*

      I can’t think of any that are particularly soft that haven’t been mentioned yet. But wanted to recommend avoiding Kind bars – I love them personally but they are super chewy and brittle.

    6. June*

      This isn’t exactly an energy bar, but have you tried those soft baked squares they have now in the granola bar aisle? They are very tasty and soft, and could probably serve the same purpose. I think a couple brands have copied each other…I think quaker makes them, and also nature valley.

    8. Triplestep*

      I order bars from Nashua Nutrition dot com – do a search for the word “crispy” and you’ll get lots of results for protein bars that are made with crisped rice and some kind of added protein. They provide surprisingly long-lasting results – I feel alert and not hungry for hours afterwards when I eat one on my commute home. (Long enough to let me make a healthy dinner, haha! Otherwise I’d just put my face in the fridge and graze!)

  41. Anon for chronic body stuff*

    I’ve been dealing with an undiagnosed chronic health issue for the last 3 years, on top of a diagnosed chronic health issue I’ve had for 20 years. A specialist recently told me might be the diagnosed one might be something different than I was originally told. Not sure why no other doctor has mentioned the possibility ever. I was also a child when diagnosed, so the memories of the original diagnosis conversation are hazy. On top of those two health issues, I am doing physical therapy for neck pain right now, which is where my actual question comes in. I am having a really hard time motivating myself to do the daily exercises PT recommends, as well as more general exercising, and I’m not sure why. I don’t generally have issues with motivation. My therapist asked if it’s possible I might be angry at my body & that’s what’s causing the block. I think it’s a definite possibility but not sure what to do with that information. Does anyone with chronic health issues have advice on dealing with the emotions surrounding it? I feel like most of the medical professionals I talk to have no concept of there being an emotional component to chronic health issues & any insight any of you have would be most helpful.

    1. Slartibartfast*

      Oh man. Definitely huge emotional components. And PT… It’s a huge mental weight. Some of the same tricks people use to motivate a workout help me. Saying just five minutes and I’ll stop if I want to. I usually keep going once I get started, but sometimes it’s just a “meh not feeling it” day. Which is fine for one day but keeping that from going two days, three days, a week without PT, there’s the hard part. And it’s such a long tedious process when things change and you need more tests, the waiting abd the mental anguish that goes with it. I don’t know if you’re the same, but I avoid going to the doctor at all costs because I don’t want to end up on that ride again. Right now I’m dealing with a new doctor thanks to an insurance change and thinking of firing him because he just doesn’t listen to what MY priorities are re: treatment. But it’s such a long tedious process… I’m currently trying to figure out what to bribe myself with to do that. I do a lot of self bribery, like a new album to reward myself for finding a job :)

      1. Anon for chronic body stuff*

        Yeah I’ve definitely become very cynical about doctors just because I’ve had so many crappy ones. The number of doctors that look at you like an alien if you get upset in their offices is mind boggling. Like- I’m upset because I’m in pain/my body isn’t behaving the way I want it to/I don’t know what’s going on with me. It’s not a mystery.

        I like the 5 minutes idea, it works for me for other things, just haven’t tried it for this yet.

    2. LilySparrow*

      Do the exercises hurt? It’s really normal to avoid/procrastinate things that are unpleasant, so if the neck pain and exercises are relatively new, learning to deal with that hurdle could just be a new challenge rather than a deep-seated problem with motivation.

      I find that emotions absolutely get in the way of self-care, but it’s not usually anything particularly mysterious. For me, it’s feelings like “Oh God, this is never going to get better, is it? What is the point, after all? I fight so hard and feel better for like, a day, and then it all goes to hell again. I guess it doesn’t make a difference anyway, so I might as well just sit here and watch Netflix and eat tortilla chips because at least they taste good and I don’t have to think about it.”

      If you’re processing the idea that either a) the thing you’ve been dealing with for 20 years may have been misdiagnosed, so maybe you weren’t even on the right treatment all this time, and/or b) now you have a new thing to deal with, too — I mean, I’d be surprised if you *weren’t* facing some discouragement and lack of motivation! You’re not a robot.

      The thing that helps me get through those unhelpful discouraging thoughts and feelings is to just keep reiterating what I know to be true: “I know this feels bad now, but I also know doing this will make me feel better – it always has. This discouraging feeling isn’t reality – it’s a normal side effect of my problem, so I can ignore it. I know this therapy/exercise works, because it always works. I want to feel better, and I can, so I am going to do this.”

      Hope that’s helpful!

      1. Anon for chronic body stuff*

        Ooooo, I’m stealing that mantra! & you’re totally on the money that it’s a lot to deal with & it makes sense that it’s hard emotionally. I tend toward perfectionism so the letting go part isn’t easy.

    3. Doloris Van Cartier*

      I think it’s great that you have a therapist as that’s a great place to be able to vent and talk about your frustration and anger about the situation. For myself, I feel both drained and angry about what’s happening in my body and that I don’t seem to have any control over any of it. A couple of things that I’ve found helpful are giving myself space to just be cranky or pissed. Sometimes it’s through music, journaling, throwing ice cubes, or whatever helps you get out stress. On the opposite end of that, I think self-care is really important when you’re dealing with chronic illness. You spend a lot of time in doctors offices, treatments, other medical things but I find that can make me feel even more drained. You need to give yourself a little more TLC at the moment to help ride through the negative feelings. There are lots of great support networks online for people with chronic illnesses so they can also be helpful to reach out to. Just to know you are not alone and other people understand helps me get rid of some of those negative feelings as being sick can feel isolating. Good luck and sending you lots of postive thoughts your way.

      1. Anon for chronic body stuff*

        Thanks so much! Are there online groups you specifically like? I think the only one I’ve heard of is chronic babe.

    4. abbvies*

      Thanks for bringing this up, as I don’t think that it’s often addressed or publicized at all.

      For me, what helped what just forming a habit loop and not “dealing with the emotions around it”, because there aren’t any emotions around it that you can really fix. The fix would be for the health issue to go away, and that’s not possible.

      There is no way to get around the fact that chronic health issues make everything harder for you. Acknowledge and accept that it’s hard, and do it anyway.

      Make exercise into a daily habit, like brushing your teeth and do it on autopilot. I have found this works for me rather than trying to analyze my emotions to death. I think when you boil down to it, it’s just a delay tactic doing what you know you have to do anyway – exercise. “Can’t exercise now because I don’t feel like it, so I must analyze why I don’t feel like it! Then I’ll do it.”

      To get into habit formation, I found Charles Duhigg’s book, “The Power of Habit” really helpful. Also, Mel Robbins’s 5 Second Rule to force yourself to do it. If you’re interested, check her out on Youtube, because her book isn’t really worth reading; she says everything and more in her Youtube channel and the book is mostly testimonials).

    5. Mephyle*

      Seconding the habit loop suggestion. Likening it to tooth-brushing is a good way to explain it. We don’t (or shouldn’t) brush our teeth only when we can work up enough motivation to do it, rather, we make it a non-optional part of our routine, and we brush our teeth regardless of how we feel about it.
      In short, the idea is to disconnect working on the emotions from actually doing it, and to do it regardless of whether you’re motivated or not.

      1. LilySparrow*

        Also, we don’t have any emotional stakes attached to the act of teeth brushing, you know? Like, we do it because it’s necessary for long-term maintenance, but we don’t expect any immediate payoff and we don’t feel disappointed if we don’t feel different afterwards.

        It’s just this neutral action – doesn’t hurt, doesn’t feel particularly good, it’s just there like, meh.

        I think the culture of “rah-rah” emotional motivation for things like wellness is counterproductive a lot of the time. There’s a real mythos around how exercise is supposed to be this emotionally uplifting or spiritually fulfilling experience. I mean, sure, endorphins are nice when they happen. But sometimes it’s just meh.

        In reality, a meh exercise experience does you just as much good as an awesome, meaningful one. But it’s hard to remember that.

    6. Quandong*

      I definitely have emotional responses to bodywork, both during treatment/exercise sessions and afterwards, in addition to my feelings about my health issues.

      For me it’s essential to acknowledge and plan for having emotional reactions, and to strategize how to be consistent with therapeutic work at home.

      Making the therapeutic work at home into a habit is the only way I’ve been able to manage my resistance to doing it.

      For exercise, the keys to establishing a long-term habit for me were a) only taking part in exercise that I like or feel neutral about rather than actively dislike and crucially b) doing it with another person at an appointed time – i.e. a paid strength trainer/pilates instructor/pilates reformer class, or an exercise friend to meet for walking or swimming.

      These are the only reasons I’ve made progress regarding exercise and why I now identify as a person who likes exercising. If you can afford the time and effort to make appointments for exercise, I highly recommend trying this as a way to tackle lack of motivation. After I established my routine exercising with others outside my home, it was easier to extend that to add sessions at home on my own.

      I practiced musical instruments regularly for more than 20 years: forming exercise habits is the same kind of thing – select the best time of day, set alarms, keep it short, don’t wait for when one ‘feels like’ starting the task, minimize the likelihood of interruptions, create the best environment for getting the task done, keep on tweaking the routine as necessary to make it work for changing circumstances e.g. energy levels, seasonal changes.

      I’m sorry the medical professionals you talk to are so clueless about the emotional aspect of chronic health issues and the ongoing work of managing them. Best wishes with encountering more educated professionals in future.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      Angry at your body? Uh, who wouldn’t be? Some people mystify me, “So you are telling me this will be a chronic probably life long problem and you think I am going to do a happy dance? No. This is a ball and chain I must drag through life. NO happy dances here.”

      Learn about grief, learn the importance of crying. Grief is not just for funerals.Tears cause a chemical reaction in the brain that help the brain to stay healthy.
      Watch your bowels. Nothing like some constipation to block our ability to process emotions AND lock up our muscles in serious ways. Organic apple juice not from concentrate can be of help. I cut in half with water, it makes the product last longer and I really don’t want all that sugar.

      Drink water, hydrate regularly each day. This forces your organs to work properly and once that’s happening the stinkin’ thinkin’ can taper.
      Learn to use affirmations. A half-baked, half-hearted attempt will give you some level of results. I like Louise Hay for her book of recommendations for affirmations.

      Stupid question: Neck pain? Are your teeth okay? Sometimes infected teeth can literally be a pain in the neck. I have had to learn this…sigh.

    8. anonagain*

      PT sucks. That’s why I never keep up with the exercises long term.

      I do the exercises while I am actively going to PT. One thing that helps me is to talk about doing treatment instead of exercise. Exercise has too much baggage. I’ve been sitting through painful, boring, or otherwise un-fun medical treatments my whole life. Treatment is something I know will probably suck but I have to do it anyway.

      When I am in PT for longer periods of time, I do what I can to make it better. I always ask the therapist which exercise I should prioritize if I am only going to do one. I also ask which exercises I should do on days I am struggling. It’s also a good opportunity to find out how to safely do stuff I actually like. I would rather do a barre video than the fiddly and annoying PT exercises and my last therapist okayed that for me.

      She also incorporated more barre type exercises and gave me exercises that would help me with other activities I like. I can see a benefit as I get better at those activities.

      PT has never improved my pain so I find it important to have other goals and metrics. That provides motivation, but also helps me figure out when I should be done in PT (or try a different therapist).

      In my situation moving my body is way more important than doing any specific, prescribed movement. If I feel that PT is putting me off of moving in general, I scrap it.

      Aside from being boring and fiddly, PT sometimes makes me feel more vulnerable and disabled. The really good therapists take an approach that makes me feel safe, strong, and capable. My last therapist did that, even though I was housebound and struggled to walk a whole block. When I had therapists who were always harping about all the crap that’s wrong with my body and giving me extremely cautious exercise advice, it reinforced my fear of injury. It’s all but impossible to move your body when you are that afraid of injury. I was doing exercises that were so safe, I was basically rehearsing the movement patterns of someone way more disabled than I was at the time. Eventually that became how I moved all the time.

      The more I feel that my body is resilient and that I can move safely and endure pain, the more manageable my pain has become and the more I can do.

  42. Shiny Happy(?) Person*

    I turned 30 a few months ago and, I guess, I’ve been reflecting on it and… yikes. I need to make some changes. Particularly where it comes to my social life, which is barely there. I think I’ve put so much energy into my “career” since graduating from university 8 years that all the other aspects of my life have been pretty ignored. I’m in my last year of grad school for a professional program and I’ve had such a hard time connecting with many of the other students in the program. I’ve put almost no effort into making new friendships, in general (okay, also due to some anxiety/depression) and it’s glaringly obvious that this is what I am missing. I also “broke up” with my best friend earlier this year, so I’m feeling super alone in that way. I have formed some great connections with some of my coworkers, so most of my socialization is done with them (I’m going to a film festival with one of my coworkers today, for example).

    Anyway, I know I need to “put myself out there” to date/make friends, but I just never manage to find the momentum. I can’t even think of a good “social” activity that would be a good start. I used to do more volunteering and never understood how people have made friends that way, I was too busy doing the volunteer work to make friends!

    Has anyone else ever found themselves in a situation like this? How did you get out of it and build a social life after 30??

    1. The Grammarian*

      I’m following for ideas. I recently moved, am in my 30s, and work remotely. I’m trying Bumble BFF and seeing how it goes.

    2. Reba*

      Re: the volunteering — ask if people want to get drink/coffee/meal after the shift or event.

      I have done meetups for gaming and hiking. It helps to do something where you see the same folks repeatedly. It takes a lot of time. I really appreciated people who came to these things and said frankly, “I’m looking to make friends! What do you like to do? Can I get your email?”

    3. Michaela Westen*

      I had a hard time with this also. I have a bad family and the people skills I learned there were not good. I had to teach myself good people skills as an adult.
      I also was so anxious and afraid of getting close to people.
      A few things:
      1. There are always lonely people out there who would love a friend. I found most of these people had issues that would cause them to push me away after a few months, or behave in unacceptable ways… you are not the only one with issues. :) So if you make a new friend and then find it’s not working out, it’s probably not just you.
      2. I love a certain music genre and I got involved in our music scene and made an effort to get to know the people. For the first few years I was so anxious I could only talk to people for a few minutes at a time. I made mistakes and a few people were put off. But I persisted and worked on my social skills and ended up with lots of friends and a good social life. Loving the music and dancing helped, it gave me reason to keep going even if friends had disappointed me.
      Having an activity you enjoy is very helpful! If there’s anything you’ve always wanted to do, get involved in it and you’ll meet people who also like it. That’s a good start.

      1. Square Root Of Minus One*

        I could have written most of your post. Same age and same conundrum. I’m not out of it yet exactly, but I have ideas…
        Having activities is a good start and I made a few connections. Meeting people, it’s not that hard for me, though I consider broadening my circles when I go part time and get more time for myself. Making them friends however… To most of them I’m mostly acquaintances and that’s it. Some of them are very nice with me, but none is going to be a close friend. My greatest connections here so far are with people at my workplace, like you.
        What I want to try is group outings : we have a website here where people post “hey, there’s this outing, wanna come?” and people will register to come and they’ll meet as a group. There’s a lot of interests covered so if you have something like that it might be good to check it out.

        1. Michaela Westen*

          Meetup.com is like that. Try looking at meetups in your area. There are language clubs and every activity you can think of, as well as culture and politics. :)

    4. rogue axolotl*

      This might not be the most practical advice (and might seem obvious), but I find the easiest way to get to know people beyond the surface level is to be forced to spend a fair amount of concentrated time alone together, preferably in an unfamiliar environment or situation. I think this is why it’s sometimes easier to make friends while travelling–there’s something about the disruption to routine and having no other options that tends to make people open up more easily. With a more time-limited activity, like a weekly class, it’s usually much slower to make a connection since there isn’t much pressure. I made a lot of my close friends when I moved to a really remote area, but a more practical option could be to volunteer for an event or join a workshop or something where you’ll be around a group of like-minded people, focused on some activity, for a while.

    5. mrs__peel*

      Most of my current local friends are people who started out as internet pals, and then we met up and got to know each other better.

      I think starting online (in groups for shared interests, on Twitter, etc.) is often a good way to get to know people, if you’re at all shy or have social anxiety issues. It also takes some pressure off if you can meet up with a few people all in a group, rather than one-on-one immediately.

    6. Jackie*

      I have been where you are and I put myself out there to make new friends. At work, if there was another person that I knew was also single, I would approach them and say “I’m looking for someone to hang with that is single like me, do you want to go to (local amusement park, play, concert) this weekend ?” I was usually greeted with a positive response. Years later a friend I made this way told me how she was always impressed that I just came into her office and started a conversation… Good luck. Things do get better.

  43. Be the Change*

    Love of the week?

    Mine’s modern OTC cold medications for ob – obvs – o – ACHOO!!! wipe. Sniff. Obvious reasons.

    2. Lcsa99*

      My love of the week is my love of most weeks. WINE. My husband and I went to two wineries today that both gave very generous pours so now we don’t have a care in the world. Yay!

    3. That's Not My Job*

      Smartwool socks. I didn’t know what I was missing, it’s amazing to have socks I actually want to wear and can wear overnight without leaving painful indentations when I take them off.

    4. Earthwalker*

      Peaches by the carton from the fruit stand. Can ’em, freeze ’em, let ’em sit on the counter and get fragrant and then eat ’em, yum.

    5. FD*

      It’s a bit late but pumpkin bread! Just made up a batch and baked them in mini-muffin tins. Now I’ll have something sweet for months (freeze them in portions and take out a week’s worth every week :) ).

      Next weekend, maybe we should do a fall recipe recs post!

  44. A different Julia*

    Hi, I’d love some input on a project I’m doing.
    I’ve written an essay about the emotional motivations of the followers of the Christian Right. It’s not harsh or judging – I grew up in a fundamentalist area and understand how it is.
    My essay is trying to help everyone, both fundamentalists and non-fundamentalists, understand what’s going on emotionally.
    What do you all think about where I can publish it to reach conservative and fundamentalist readers? If I publish in a place like Salon, I doubt it would reach this audience.
    Thanks very much for any suggestions! :)

    1. Lady Jay*

      Have you considered publishing in well-known Christian publications, such as Christianity Today or Sojourners? My impression is that the major publications are open to self-reflection in this way, and may be more interested in it than a place like Salon. You might also look up pieces that have been published along these lines (e.g. historian John Fea, who writes about what he calls “court evangelicals”), see where they’ve been published, and target those publications.

      That said, I do think there’s increasingly interest in Christian/evangelical/fundamentalist subcultures, especially where we are politically. A place like Salon may be more interested than you think, especially if you (like me) are exvangelical.

      1. A different Julia*

        Thanks so much! I’m non-religious and don’t know the Christian and religious publications. I’ll check these out!
        Salon might publish it, but I doubt it would reach the audience I’m trying for.

    4. LilySparrow*

      Check out Relevant magazine, First Things, Touchstone, and Today’s Christian Woman.

      You could also google Tim Keller. He’s doing publicity for a new book release, so I’m sure he’s got pieces out in a lot of places right now. He’s well-known enough that mainstream media is carrying his articles, but he has major credibility with conservative evangelicals as well, so you might find some good outlets that way.

      1. A different Julia*

        Thank! I’ll post here when/if it’s published.
        If all else fails I’ll post it on FB and make it public.

        1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

          I’d love to read it as well! I didn’t grow up in this kind of environment but I’ve had a few brushes with it. Lately I’ve become fascinated by the stories of ex – fundamentalists and the origins of various theological ideas so I listen to a lot of podcasts on this theme.

  45. The Doctor*

    We had very heavy rain yesterday, so my commute included the usual rainy day ritual: Get on the bus, locate a seat, hear someone say that the seat is wet, reach into my bag for a paper towel, get strange looks from people as I violate the “bus code” by drying a wet seat.

    Then the same thing on the train.

    1. Enough*

      I have both paper and cloth towels in my car. Very helpful on those soccer weekends. It is not a badge of honor to have a wet ‘seat’.

    3. Audra*

      This reminds me of, uh, when you enter a bathroom stall and someone hasn’t flushed. Everyone just avoids the stall! I always go in and flush it, which is apparently a violation of bathroom etiquette.

      1. Kat in VA*

        Seconded. And hell hath no fury like me when I walk into a stall and there’s pee *all over the seat*. Some women, apparently, hover over the seat rather than sit on it, and are perfectly fine with the next person either (a) having to back out and find a different, unpeed-on seat or (b) sighing and cleaning up THEIR LAZY SLOPPY MESS.

        To those women – be better. Seriously. If the seat is nasty enough to you that you don’t want to sit on it, then wipe it down. Doubly worse if you go ahead and make it even NASTIER and then leave it for some poor unsuspecting soul (read: me) to clean up after YOU.

        *shakes fist*

        The most annoying part about this? The cleaners in our building are meticulous, and our bathroom (which isn’t used all that often) is cleaned at least 3x a day…with bleach. As in, “Thoroughly wiped down, bleach cleaned, seats flipped up to show it’s done” kind of clean. I mean…really?

    4. gecko*

      Honestly I just always assume bus liquid is pee. I know I’d know for sure if something is actually pee, but I still would get a revulsion reaction to someone wiping down a seat. But, just hearing about it, it’s totally fair that you do it, haha!

      1. MatKnifeNinja*

        When I lived in the inner city, it probably was pee. I brought a plastic shopping bag and a two towels.

        One towel to blot. Put in shopping bag. Shopping bag on seat. Other towel on top.

        No way was I going into work smelling like wino pee.

      2. The Doctor*

        I live in an outer borough of NYC. The “bus liquid” is usually rain water or snow (from strategically placed umbrellas) or wash water (if the bus went through the wash at the garage just before going into service). The “train liquid” is almost always rain or snow, especially on seats next to the door on trains that run outside.

    5. Grapey*

      I love violating “bus codes”! I deliberately sit next to manspreaders (I am female), I ask people to move their (obviously small enough to hold on their lap) bags if they’re “saving” the seat next to them, and I also carry paper towels for wet seats. I also ask people if they could either move in or let me in to sit in a window seat if they’re sitting on the aisle in an attempt to “save” the seat next to them.

      I have bad social anxiety but I can find my voice if I know I’m entitled to using public accomodations.

      1. mrs__peel*

        One of my friends (who lives in Boston, where public transport is crowded) has started just straight up sitting on guys who are manspreading over two seats. They’re usually shocked and will move their legs. She’s my hero. <3

  46. Persephone Mulberry*

    Has anyone here tried renting out a spare room on AirBnB? My oldest is off at college and his room is just sitting there except for holidays and the very rare random weekend visit. It’s not something I’m going to jump right into by any means, but I’m curious.

    1. Loose Seal*

      Am interested in reading the replies you get because we have a spare room/bathroom combination and we live in a big university football town. I’ve wondered if we can make a few bucks in the fall.

      I do know that when I got our home insurance when we bought this house last year, the insurer cautioned me that our homeowners’ insurance only covers damage the room renters do or injury to them if we are there as well. Not that we have to be there every minute but we can’t go out of town and rent out our house without having to get a different type of insurance. So definitely call and ask your insurer to make sure your state doesn’t have rules for this you aren’t aware of.

    2. ainomiaka*

      I never had a lot of luck renting a room when I was on there. It seems like most people preferred having the whole place. I currently wouldn’t touch airbnb with a 20 foot pole, but that’s because of experience as a renter, not one renting out the space.

    3. Interrodroid3000*

      I used to live in a 2 bedroom appartement with my friends, and my room was up on airbnb when one of us was away. The process is easy, and you do get to choose who stays & who doesn’t. Most of the time one of us was still in the appartement with the guests.

      We often wound up meeting really cool, interesting people. If you’re interested, you can always try it out once & see.

      That being said, we never had people who stayed for more than a few days, one of us was often still staying there, and we didn’t have any kind of renter’s insurance (My friends owned the apartment).

    4. Lynn Whitehat*

      We’ve done it. It was pretty smooth. This was Austin during the Austin City Limits festival, so a seller’s market. AirBnb is mostly banned in Austin now. Check your local laws before you sink big bucks into renovations.

  47. Marlowe*

    Has anyone got any tips on dealing with casual biphobia from a friend?

    This guy isn’t particularly malicious; in many respects he’s a progressive … but he seems unable to grasp the fact that some people are bi/pan/somewhere between a 2 and a 5 on the Kinsey scale. In his mind, peolple are either gay or straight, and that’s it. Anyone who doesn’t identify as either is confused, pretending, or secretly closeted.

    And he won’t shut up about it! When a female celeb came out as pan earlier this year he immediately called her gay; when a male friend of ours began dating a woman he assumed he was now 100% hetero; when I mentioned finding a girl hot he looked very surprised and said, “but I thought you were straight!” On and on and on. I would give him some credit towards plain ignorance if he hadn’t been corrected plenty of times and still persists in his small-scale, “funny” biphobia.

    It’s exhausting. If anyone has an idea on how to deal with this, I’d appreciate it.

    1. neverjaunty*

      “Bob, you keep going on and on about how other people aren’t bi and it’s getting old. Change of subject please.”

      That’s if you want to bother with him anymore, which… seriously, it’s 2018. The whole bi people aren’t real thing got old decades ago. He really isn’t all that progressive if he thinks people are lying when they don’t fit into his preconceived little boxes.

      1. Marlowe*

        Unfortunately, this has been said. He chuckles, says ‘sure’, and promptly forgets about it. It doesn’t help that some folks in this friend roup find those discussions hilarious, which only eggs him on.

        I guess I kind of do want to bother with this? There are people I love in this group, and I don’t want to alienate myself from them by putting distance between us because of this guy’s behaviour. Plus, I genuinely hope change could be possible if he would grasp how important this is to some of us.

        1. Whale watcher*

          If you are willing to make the effort, and you have a good friendship you could try sitting him down at another time (not when he’s just said something bi-erasing ) and telling him, honestly and straightforwardly, how hurtful and upsetting this behavior is to you personally. Don’t try to minimise it, don’t try to manage his feelings about being “called out”, just tell him that his comments and attitude to this are hurting you. It will be uncomfortable and awkward. Let it be, he’s the one making it so by repeatedly ignoring it when people correct him. Tell him that you need him to take this seriously, you need him to stop saying these things, and don’t let him laugh it off. And then ask him if he can do that. And see what he says.

        2. fposte*

          Another possibility. “Bob, it seems really important to you that other people aren’t bi. What’s up with that?” Can be expanded into “I understand that it can be important for you to define your own sexuality, and I wouldn’t get in the way of you doing that. Why do you want to get in the way of other people doing the same thing?”

          1. Myrin*

            Yeah, I’ve found that when someone seems strangely intensely invested in something, it works really well do directly ask them about it. I’m usually met with stutters and flailing handmovements in the moment but sweet silence in the long run. And if not – repeat! Bring out the stutters again! And again! Some people need to be clubbed across the head with their own weirdness.

            1. Close Bracket*

              “Strangely intensely invested” are good words to use. “Bob, you are strangely intensely invested in denying bisexuality. What’s up with that?”

        3. Dino*

          I think you might need to have a coordinated flip-out. (Coordinated in that you are going to allow yourself to flip-out, not like… scheduled on the calendar.) A well-placed “Bob, are you freaking kidding me? Stop commenting on people’s sexual orientations until you can be bothered to give a shit about the actual definitions of those identities. I’m serious, STOP TALKING ABOUT THIS. You are DONE.” would probably do wonders. Yeah, it feels harsh and rude but Bob hasn’t listened when he’s been asked nicely, so harsh is what he gets.

        4. neverjaunty*

          He isn’t going to grasp how important this is. He doesn’t want to. You’ve told him, he’s blown you off, he goes right back to it. In fact, his repeating it over and over after you’ve spoken to him is because you’ve told him you disagree. He’s saying to you, through his actions, “I heard you. I just don’t give a shit what you think, and I want you to know that.”

          Isn’t it interesting that while you’re worried about “alienating” people, neither he nor his giggle-buddies seem to be in the least bit worried about alienating you?

          In your place, I’d probably just tell this dude “Look, I get it, you’re in the closet about being bi. It’s no different than those loud anti-gay pastors who turn out to have a dude on the side. When you’re done being in denial, and ready to come out we’re here for you.”

    2. Lissa*

      (Bi person here!)

      Is he actually saying “people aren’t bi/can’t be bi” or is it more assumptions like the ones you’ve described, ie immediately goes to “gay” or “straight”? If the latter, I would keep reminding him in small ways that bi is a possibility. I have to do this a lot myself, and don’t find it particularly onerous but others might consider it emotional labour I suppose. But just stuff like, when he is surprised you find a woman hot “It’s called bisexuality Jason.” Or if a male friend starts dating a woman and he says “oh he’s straight?” you could say “He’s bi actually” if he’s out as bi or “Or could be bi!” just little things like that. It’s such an ingrained assumption for people to think gay or straight in my experience, in the media too.

      1. Marlowe*

        (High five!)

        Good question. It’s mostly the latter, and your prompts are pretty helpful in that respect — repeat ad finitum, etc — you’re right that this is a mindset society as a whole enforces, and that many, many people see bisexuality as some sort of stepping stone to admitting you’re gay. I don’t think he’s ever said ‘bisexuality isn’t real’, straight off the bat. But he’s also very dismissive whenever someone brings it up. Think scoffing, rolling his eyes, saying ‘yeah, right’. How the hell do you even fight back against small things like that without getting called overly sensitive?

        1. Harley Q*

          With a person who scoffs and rolls their eyes at this stuff, you don’t. There’s no magic formula that will get them to take you seriously and not tell you that you are overly sensitive. That can’t be your goal. If you are set on maintaining a friendship with this guy who scoffs at you and dismisses your identity, you probably just need to accept that he’ll call you overly sensitive if you speak up. And do it anyway, because it matters and it needs to be said. Not because it’ll change his mind – it’s unlikely to – but so that anyone else hearing him hears it countered.

        2. Lissa*

          I think my advice is a lot different than some people’s, so my huge caveat here is this is what works for me personally. Lots of people advise things in these situations like cutting him out entirely, or straight up saying “Stop talking like that around me.” “That’s offensive” and so on, just shutting it right down. That is totally good advice for some people but I feel extremely false saying stuff like that. So for me, my tactic is to roll my eyes right back, and make jokes right at back at these people. If it’s that he’s forgetting bi is a thing in the moment, reinforcement and hearing people talk about it can help rewrite how he sees it – so much of this is subconscious. And if he says “yeah right” I’d be totally willing to get into it and say “oh yeah, so unrealistic – people like blondes and brunettes, why not dudes and chicks?” or just anything. I’d also be willing to get into a real conversation with why he thinks it’s a stepping stone to gay. But obviously you aren’t obligated to do any of that. Personally being bi isn’t a very sensitive area for me so I’m super willing to have these conversations, make dumb jokes etc. but this isn’t true for everyone by a longshot. People with these views can definitely change them but it’s typically a long process and if being around him saying those things is upsetting for you then outright saying “can you please not say that around me” may be the better way to go.

          (I am being cautious because when I talk about this sort of thing people often think I’m saying everyone should be like me, or nobody should care or be upset, and I am not at all, literally it’s just what works for me!)

        3. neverjaunty*

          Stop caring if he calls you overly sensitive.

          “No, the problem is that you’re a biphobic ass, dude. It’s not about sensitivity. Cave rocks on the other side of the planet that don’t even shift during intense earthquakes have picked up on how you can’t shut up about this.”

        4. Michaela Westen*

          To me this seems very disrespectful. I would not want to associate with someone who treats people like this, so I would probably keep a distance from him and not interact one-on-one.
          This reminds me of a very arrogant and disrespectful man I know socially, and luckily it’s a big group so I mostly don’t have to deal with him. He thinks it’s cool to smoke cigars, I’m allergic to tobacco smoke and he knows this – He brought it into the club in defiance of the smoke-free law and stood a few feet from me… I chased him out… the coordinator of the social event corrected him outside (and told me later). What a jerk – so glad I don’t have to deal with him!

        5. wherewolf*

          Late, but if a friend ever rolled their eyes and scoffed at something I said, I’d feel pretty offended. Even if he said “Pizza House makes great pizzas” and I said “And they make great subs too” and he rolled his eyes. I’d be like, “Wow, rude,” or “Jeez, who died and made you king of everything?”

          So on top of the biphobia, he is just plain rude as a friend. I’d probably snap and say coldly, “you need to cut it out with the eye-rolling about bisexual stuff, because it’s pretty damn hurtful to have your identity scoffed at. If you want to keep being friends you need to stop being such a jerk.”

    3. Ginger ale for all*

      If you can’t get through to him, then resort to the bless your heart and walk away. Sometimes, trying to convince people that the world isn’t flat is too much of a job and you have to cut your ties and go.

    4. Close Bracket*

      What does he think about people who engage in mixed gender threesomes? I might have to quiz him on this. “So Bob, are you saying that if a straight couple invites a third into bed with them, that one of them turns gay? But what happens when the threesome ends and the next time they have sex with just each other? Did the gay one turn straight again? How does that work, exactly? Can someone be temporarily gay?”

    5. June*

      Thinking he can understand someone else’s sexuality better than they can is a pretty arrogant stance, and discounting someone else’s experience and feelings as illegitimate because they don’t fit in with your experiences is very disrespectful. He isn’t required to go to the trouble of imagining what it is like to be something other than gay or straight, but he does owe others a certain degree of respect by believing them. They are the only experts on their own identity.

      I think I would respond with some version of that.

    6. Not a Mere Device*

      I’m not sure this is actually helpful, but I’d start telling him “Stop trying to shove people back into the closet.” That script is more obvious when this guy insists that someone is straight because they have an 0ther-gender partner: “No, Buddy, he’s bi, he told you that. Not cool trying to make people pass as straight.” For the “he has a boyfriend, that means he’s gay” error (I’m being kind here), something like “not that again. You’re not the authority on someone else’s orientation, he is” might work.

      Snarkier me wants to start calling him on it every time he refers to someone as either straight or gay: “how do you know? Did she tell you she’s not bi?” and “he didn’t say he’s gay, he said he’s not straight” or “he said he’s dating another guy, that doesn’t make him gay, just not-heterosexual.” Extending that to his own self-identification is tempting, but would be wrong, since we’re defending people’s right to have their self-identifications recognized.

      If someone I knew tried that, I’d be telling them that my identity and relationships not up for debate, and if they’re too small-minded to accept that bisexuals exist, they don’t get to have bisexual friends. (Only probably not that calmly, because I don’t appreciate being attacked.)

    7. LilySparrow*

      Why does he think anyone wants or needs his opinion about other people’s sexuality?

      I’d go straight for “nobody cares what you think, Todd.” He may turn this into a running joke, but it’s easy enough to put on repeat without exhausting yourself, and it would be pretty satisfying.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      Close off the topic for discussion? “okay, Bob, let’s move on to talk about something else.”
      What I see is he is just going to keep making these statements and you are just going to keep explaining it to him. Since he is not going to change what he is doing, that means that you can only change what you are doing.

      I have a friend who will get started on topics that they clearly do not know a lot about. I actually like this person and we do have a good relationship. However, these certain topics! Sigh. So I will say things like “moving right along” and move on to another topic. Sometimes I will say, “No. That is not how that works. Moving right along…” and I launch into another topic.

      How you handle it really depends on how much of a friend this person is. If there are aspects of your friendship that are of high value to you then it’s worth putting some time into repeatedly saying. “I am not going to discuss that with you. Topic is off limits.”

      If the friendship is okay or average, it might be worthwhile, pointing out, “Bob, if you can’t stop saying these things, I am going to need to dial back the amount of time we spend together. Because I don’t want to discuss this all the time.”

    1. Enough*

      Daughter is going through this now. She has to do all the excel work because neither of the other 2 have ever used it while she actually was taught that and PowerPoint in high school. They are graduate students.

      1. Lynn Whitehat*

        Ridiculous. They should Google what they need to know. (I know this doesn’t help you, sorry.) I hate group work. It is nothing like group projects at a job.

        1. mrs__peel*

          Absolutely. I’ve never, EVER had to do any work in the actual workplace that was in any way similar to group projects at school.

    2. BeeJiddy*

      You have my commiseration. I just finished a group Uni assignment that, for once, wasn’t a complete dumpster fire. It still sucked but at least my group was functioning and communicative. Other people weren’t so lucky, and I heard some unbelievable stories about people completely dropping off the grid to avoid their groupmates. I understand the concept of teaching us collaboration, but as an older student who has been working for 10 years before returning to study it feels more like preparation for a week-long stay on that island from “Lord of the Flies” than anything else.

    3. A.N. O'Nyme*

      All I ever learned from group assignments is that I end up doing all the work and then get punished for doing so. And if I don’t do all the work I still get punished because apparently me being a good work means I have to teach others to get off their ass.
      I became quite the expert at avoiding group assignments though. And at documenting EVERYTHING when I can’t – I have no issues throwing people who don’t pull their weight under the bus.

  49. Washi*

    The letter earlier this week where the wife had promised to keep a friend’s confidence and not tell her husband sparked an interesting debate and a whole range of responses from “my husband knows all my friends’ secrets” to “I can’t believe married people think they don’t owe any loyalty/respect confidence of their friends.” Where do you come down?

    For me, it’s tricky because I can’t even remember the last time I had a friend say “promise you won’t tell spouse,” but I definitely tell my husband about anything that would affect either of us and wouldn’t promise otherwise. But other than that, I generally try to respect my friends’ privacy and do not tell my husband their secrets just for kicks. Where it gets tricky for me is when I’m having an emotional response to something a friend is going through, and then sometimes I’ll give him the general outline “Ahh, Jenny is really spiraling into anxiety when we hang out lately and it’s triggering X for me.” But I know he’s super discreet, and also the focus of our conversations is on me and my feelings and not on Jenny, so it feels like the spirit of the confidence is still respected.

    1. AnnaC*

      I’m not married and few of my friends are, but the idea that I should expect my married friends to share things I tell them with their husbands horrifies me. If I found out a friend did that, they’d no longer be my friend! Luckily for me, my few married friends do not subscribe to that notion at all and I can trust them not to share my confidences. We had a really interesting conversation about it after I read that thread and I felt really reassured by their opinions on it.

      There may be a cultural aspect to this too, as I’m not in the US.

      1. Anna*

        I Very much agere. I would not tell my husbond my friends Secrets and I would not tell a friend my husbonds secret and I expect the same from the them

    2. Lehigh*

      I don’t promise to keep secrets that I don’t already know (aka, “Promise not to tell anyone, but…” is met with something like, “Actually, I don’t make promises to keep secrets.”) The concept predates my marriage, but the marriage has definitely cemented it and given me a good, socially acceptable script for it.

      Maybe I just don’t trust people as much as some others do. And I take my promises extremely seriously. Either way, if NO ONE MUST KNOW, don’t tell me. I’m happy to take into account a friend’s desire for discretion when deciding what to tell other people, including my husband, but I avoid most promises and certainly any including content I can’t vet ahead of time.

      Additionally, as I think you’re alluding to, my spouse is my primary emotional support person, and I feel I am entitled to share with him as much information as I need to (or he needs!) for optimum health and happiness. I make no secret of this among my friends.

      1. Lehigh*

        I will say, I encounter very few “Promise not to tell…” situations in my adult life. I can’t even recall the last time my own husband asked me to keep something under my hat. Maybe it’s a life stage thing? Generally, I expect my friends to treat my business appropriately and to have my back. That may mean telling some people and not telling others. I trust their discretion, and if they get it wrong I trust my ability to deal with the consequences.

      2. Melody Pond*

        I’m with you 100% on this one. If it’s really important that NO ONE other than me must know, then better not to tell me about it.

        Also, I’m one of those people that tells my spouse literally everything that happens to me. (We’re like Lily and Marshall that way – “they don’t just tell each other everything, they want to KNOW everything about each other’s day!”) I’ll certainly take a request for discretion into account, but it’s important for other people to know that when they want to tell me something “in confidence” that it could wind up getting shared with Mr. Pond, too.

        But also, it just so happens that we are not super independent people, with respect to our relationship, so most of our friends are friends with both of us. We each have a couple friends that we hang out with more on our own, but a lot of our friendships are “joint” friendships, so chances are good that someone telling us something “in confidence” would already be talking to both of us, anyway.

        1. Kat in VA*

          I’m the same as you – my husband knows EVERYTHAAAANG (whether he wants to or not, heh). We’ve been together 30 years, and don’t keep secrets. If someone told me, “I have to tell you something but you can’t tell The Mister”, I’d likely let them know it’s best not to tell me. Not because I run off blathering everyone’s stuff to him all the time, but if it’s something big! important! huge! earth-shattering! then I’m going to want to share with him because we share EVERYTHAAAAAANG.

        2. Ender*

          I’m same as you – whenever someone says “don’t tell anyone this…” I always say “don’t tell me I’m awful at keeping secrets”. If it’s something that’s obviously a secret like something really embarrassing or that has a big stigma attached then I can remember easily enough that it’s a secret. But I’ve had people tell me not to mention that they are looking for a new car! I don’t have space in my head to try and remember that’s supppsed to be a secret ffs. If you don’t want people to know you’re buying a car please don’t bother telling me coz I’m never going to remember that is a secret! and I’m certainly not going to start policing every conversation I have with my husband to make sure I don’t let slip any banal “secrets” like that!

          It would be different if they were telling me about their childhood trauma or their penile cancer or something – no problem remembering / assuming that that sort of thing is supposed to be a secret.

    3. Lissa*

      I think that most of the time, it just isn’t going to come up. If Sarah tells me she’s struggling a lot in her relationship, or David is having a rough time being single – I mean, my partner doesn’t care or need to hear it. And if the person explicitly said “please don’t tell anyone” I would keep that to the grave. In some cases I have told him stuff I wouldn’t tell another person, to bounce ideas back off of him and knowing he’s never going to say a word to anyone. For instance I found out a friend was sexting a married man, and it was pretty upsetting for me. I did talk to my partner about that, knowing it would stay between us. And like the letter this week, if it directly affected my partner of course I’d talk to him about it – no way would I keep a secret that involved him.

      If I’m in the friend’s position, I honestly just would not care if they tell their partner so long as their partner acts like they don’t know and never tells anyone else. Plausible deniability. I definitely wouldn’t end a friendship with someone for telling their partner something, but if partner was indiscreet I’d be really irritated and likely lower the level of stuff I told friend. I mentioned this in another post but this happened to me in an annoying way. My friend was single at the time, I told her some secrets, then she started dating a new lady who was a huge gossip. It was frustrating to me because I couldn’t have protected myself from that – couldn’t have predicted she’d start dating her new girlfriend.

      1. Square Root Of Minus One*

        I am completely behind that.
        For the last part, well, it comes down to trust the person on the receiving end to be discreet when their partner is either a gossip or an unknown quantity on the matter, like in new relationships.

      2. Washi*

        Yeah, I think this is part of my calculation – I don’t care if the spouses of my friends know the things I tell them. As long as they don’t spread it around or then try to start talking to me about it, I just sort of figure it’s the equivalent of my friend writing it in a diary.

    4. Close Bracket*

      I assume my coupled friends are a borg and tell them nothing.

      I would never break a friend’s confidence that way. I might not secrets from my hypothetical partner, but my friends certainly do.

      I don’t remember that thread. How many “my wife knows all my friend’s secrets” responses were there? Bc I suspect that this is a highly gendered behavior.

    5. Elizabeth W.*

      I just assume whatever I tell a friend will be told to their spouse, if it’s juicy enough. If I wouldn’t want the spouse to know, I don’t mention it.

      If someone asked me to not tell my spouse something (assuming I had one), that might be tricky. If it were something that affected both our interactions with this person, like a health issue we would need to be aware of, I’d probably ask them if it’s okay to give a stripped-down version of it, like “Sally’s having trouble dealing with the incline; we need to not park on the hill next time we pick her up for our group thing.”

      If Sally were talking to me about her secret crush on someone and asked me not to discuss it with my hubs, I would not discuss it with my hubs. He might not be interested anyway. I doubt my friend’s husband is interested in all the fangirling we do, LOL.

    7. LilySparrow*

      If I need to process something, my husband is the #1 person I process things with. Other than that, I don’t make a habit of gossiping about people to him. But I also don’t maintain a firewall between stuff I know and stuff he’s not allowed to know. I don’t have the bandwidth to even try to do that — it would be way too complicated.

      If anyone asked me not to tell him something, I’d advise them not to tell it to me in the first place. It’s just not a promise I could make.

      Every once in a while, I’ll have a family member tell me not to tell X or Y to someone – my husband, or another family member, or whatever. I tell them to keep their own secrets, but anything that happened to me or him or my kids, or that affects us directly – that’s our own story to tell or keep as we see fit.

      1. Julia*

        This is where I fall as well. I pay for therapy out of pocket, so I’m not wasting precious time or book more expensive hours to process my friends’ secrets, I process with my husband. It’s not a malicious thing, it’s just sometimes necessary. Of course this isn’t for gossip, it’s about sharing a burden of, say, my friend being suicidal and me being the only one she talks to.

        1. LilySparrow*

          Right. Now, I have successfully avoided going into detail. Like if a friend wants to talk about her marriage, and she doesn’t want me telling my husband the nitty-gritty because he knows her husband – well, I’ll do my best. But “Pat and Leslie are having a hard time, and I told her she could bring the kids to come stay whenever she wanted” is need-to-know info.

    8. gecko*

      I don’t tell my fiancé everything and I don’t expect to in the future. But I know (and I think my friends know) I am NOT a secret keeper in general.

      Reciprocally I really don’t care much about how far my own secrets spread (as long as there’s some judgment—don’t immediately tell someone I was complaining about that I was complaining about them).

      I get told people’s secondhand business plenty and I just assume that if I tell someone my business they’ll probably tell it to whoever, very much including their spouse.

    9. Not So NewReader*

      I think that couples tend to tell each other many things because after a bit it we have seen it all before, it’s not new, it’s not shocking, it’s not embarrassing. It’s more like,” And how many people have we been through THIS with??”

      Some of the stuff I was asked to keep secret, I could because I actually forgot. “Don’t tell my husband I paid $100 for these jeans. He thinks I paid $50 and that is too much.” Five minutes later I have forgotten this. That’s their problem not mine.

      I don’t care for the burden of secrets, so I tend to push back in a practical way. “Okay if you are going to confide in me about Huge Problem, then that means we have to sit down and figure out some steps to handle it.” Some people do not like this response and they don’t confide in me anymore. That is fine with me.

      When I am talking to a coupled person, I always figure they tell their SO. I think more often than not people do. But I know with my husband once we finished talking he would just forget about it or push it way to the back of his mind. So I don’t worry about it too much with other people’s SOs. I think they perceive my concerns as part of MY life but not part of their life.

  50. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

    This morning, I bumped into my nmom at the dentist. Nothing terrible, though she waited till receptionists were out of earshot to say my hair smelled like a wet dog (granted, I had showered and driven by spouse to office and dogs rode in the apt elevator but…yeah). Grey rocked. She invited me to the house to pick up jewelry I never use. Texted her later cordially saying SO and I had a full schedule (overworked, MIL’s surgery care, friend’s wedding) but we’re more free late October.

    Then I happily RSVP’d to an art show tonight and a friend’s potluck next Saturday.

    I also realized we can afford a nice house in a decent school district next August, and kids in early 2020 around age 33-34 (accounting for maternity time off, babysitter, any kid-associated costs like diapers) knock on wood. Sometimes I wish it were sooner but eh, ‘tis life.

    Anybody else delay kids until having a house and a decent school district and more finances?

    1. Book Lover*

      Kids don’t always happen on the schedule you choose, especially if you are waiting until 33-34. Anyway, make plans because you have to in order to decide where you want to be in the future, but don’t assume that everything will happen tidily on schedule. Personally, I wouldn’t buy a house in a particular school district unless I liked that house and area, unless I had to move anyhow. Kids don’t start school until they are 5, and babies don’t take up that much space.

      1. Anona*

        Yeah. We started trying at 32.5, and just had our first at 35. But for some people it’s much simpler, just hard to know!

    2. Double A*

      I guess I “waited” but really I just didn’t meet the right person until I was 31, got married and bought a house at 33, now we’re having our first baby at 35 (husband is 2 years older). She should be arriving any moment now… My due date was yesterday!

      However, we only bought a house bc our landlord was selling our rental and it’s about equivalent to rent or own where I live. And we bought in a place with schools I’m really excited about but schools didn’t factor into our search. I’m a teacher and confident that my kid will get a good education no matter what.

      And we were lucky it was pretty easy to get pregnant. I never had before, so I really didn’t even know if I could (turns out birth control works…also I recommend tracking your basal temperature to figure out when you ovulate. Once you’re trying).

      So even though my life has gone pretty much as a “planned” a lot of it was still luck and chance that it actually happened that way.

      1. The New Wanderer*

        Very similar story – I didn’t meet my husband til I was 32, first kid at 35 (happened really quickly) and 2nd at 39 (with a little help). He already owned the house in the good neighborhood/school district so we didn’t move. I do know others who moved for the school districts, but typically after they had young kids.

    3. LilySparrow*

      You get an extra 5 years after the baby’s born to deal with the housing/school district situation, you know. There’s no waitlist for public schools – you just show up at fall registration. And if you’re picking the school and getting them on a waitlist, your school zoning district is irrelevant.

        1. LilySparrow*

          I was under the impression that they were saving up. If you are a first-time buyer, a down market is your friend. It’s bubbles you have to worry about.

    4. ainomiaka*

      as a kid my experience was that moving to “a good school district” was moving every couple of years. You’re constantly chasing a moving target.
      also concur-I had a plan that I was going to have kids at x time, and it took almost 4 years after that. so I have to concur with the build in time for it to take longer than you think advice here.

    5. Ender*

      I didn’t wait specifically to have a house, but I waited till I was sure I was with the right person. I always said I would have rathered not have kids at all, or have them on my own, than have them with the wrong guy.

      In my case it just worked out that by the time I found the right guy I already had a house in a decent school district.

  51. Junior Dev*

    Mental health thread! How are you doing? What are you struggling with? What are you proud of?

    We are not supposed to discuss politics so I’ll just say: it’s been a hell of a week for those of us with trauma histories, especially those around sexual harassment or assault. I checked in via text with a couple friends about it and they both were having a hard time. I’m proud of myself for doing that and for making an effort to be nice to myself as I cope with all this.

    Struggling with waking up on time. I am trying to go to bed earlier and I got a fancy alarm clock with a light that plays bird sounds. It helps a little but my body still wants to sleep 10-12 hours.

    How are you doing?

    1. Square Root Of Minus One*

      I’m tired too. I feel exhausted and discouraged by my huge pile of domestic work. I haven’t done a thing today (it’s the evening here), and I’m so gonna regret this tomorrow.
      10-12 hours looks like a lot though… if unuasual, do you consider that your body might be trying to tell you something ?
      I got the approval to go 90% at Forbidden Topic from January onwards. Of course my income will be going down, but getting 45 minutes back in my life every workday seems so worth it. It looks like nothing but it might mean being able to keep up with tidying and cooking and to write and all these things and just live BETTER.
      I so look forward to it. I am very privileged to be able to do that, and I try to take solace from this.

      1. Junior Dev*

        I think I’m under a lot of stress for the aforementioned reasons and I’m just kind of exhausted all the time and the sleep is in response to that.

    2. Elizabeth W.*

      I had a MAJOR anxiety attack earlier this month–two days of utter and complete panic. It was so bad I couldn’t take my walk because I couldn’t breathe. It was so bad that Aunt Flo didn’t even show up this month (and I had the telltale headache right before that, too).

      Ugh.

      It’s better now, though.

        1. Elizabeth W.*

          Thanks.
          It took me by surprise. But I feel better able to cope with it than in the past, which is good!

    3. The Person from the Resume*

      It was an awful week.

      I knew I was tired and took last Friday (not yesterday) off and had a lazy, relaxing 3 day weekend.

      Unfortunately when Monday rolled around I had zero motivation to work at work or do any necessary chores or socialize in the evening. All I wanted to do was to escape the real world by reading fan fiction incessantly which I did instead of working, errands, exercising, socializing with real people. (I work from home so not wanting to socialize after work means no human contact). Also the weather is still wet and summery (ie too hot) which made it too easy not to exercise or leave the house. The only good thing is that except for one night I managed to go to bed at an appropriate time so I didn’t end up sleep deprived.

      Starting to feel better. Actually put on clothes and left the house today and talked to people. Accomplished a long put off chore. Went shopping. I feel better, but I know I’ve got to skip avoidance behavior like incessantly reading fanfic.

    4. The Person from the Resume*

      Oh, I think I have had that exact sunrise alarm clock for 5 years now and I love it. It does make waking up gentler.

    5. LizB*

      I’ve been on vacation since Wednesday and it’s been so so so nice. Visiting my family is something of a minefield, but this time I have my SO and his parents with me and they’re so kind and supportive. It’s amazing how much better and less anxiety inducing it is to hang out with them plus my parents than with just my parents.

    6. Julia*

      I’m feeling better than last week. Got an interview for a job in two weeks, and an offer to teach part-time that I’m not yet sure about. Some other applications are still running, but I really don’t want to get my hopes up, and I’m also still really torn up about staying in Japan vs. moving home. All my friends are here, but I miss my grandma and she won’t be around for that much longer… But moving back would effectively kill my career…

      I do find that the changing seasons and the anniversary of a difficult event in my life always make me hyper aware of my feelings, and it’s sometimes really hard to breathe. I started listening to a hypnosis app (Anxiety Relief) again and it seems to work a little.

    7. SparklingStars*

      I actually had a really good week! Aside from the fact that the instrumental quartet I’ve been playing with broke up, that is. It sucks because I love making music with them, and 3 of us get along great, but the fourth person has proved to be impossible to work with and there’s just been way too much conflict lately. So I’m a bit relieved to have that over with, although now I need to find something else to do on Thursday nights. I’m thinking about taking another pottery class when they start up again this winter.

      Yesterday I met up with a friend for breakfast, and another friend for tea in the afternoon (I swear my social life is feast or famine these days) and today I’m taking an all-day basic photography class. I’m taking vacation time Monday thru Wednesday of this coming week so I’m making a list of all the things I want to get done during that time (mostly fun stuff, with maybe a couple of chore-type things thrown in). I haven’t used much vacation time this year so I’m very excited to have some time off, even if I won’t be going anywhere.

    1. The Other Dawn*

      Best: Got my new zero gravity recliner so I can once again be in the family room watching TV without back pain. I can lay in that thing for a couple hours without pain! The air massage on it is so strong that it cracked (adjusted) my back in several spots! Felt good. :) Downside is the cats always want to be in it with me. It was actually cute when Leo got up on my chest and was kneading me with his paws, while the air massage was massaging my back.

      Worst: Caught my husband’s cold so feel crappy this weekend.

        1. The Other Dawn*

          Here you go: https://www.relaxtheback.com/hale-aircomfort-recliner.html

          Yes, the price is a bit shocking (to me), but it was so worth it for me. (I got a bonus at work recently, so I finally bit the bullet and bought it…and I had buyer’s remorse for two weeks until it arrived and I actually tried it) I can lay in the zero gravity position for a couple hours without lower back pain. It was very strange at first, because it’s not like a typical plush recliner that you just sink into and it definitely doesn’t look like one. It’s firmer and has more support. It’s leather so it it takes a week or two to soften up, which is starting to happen now. I throw a blanket over it when I’m not home because I don’t trust my cats not to scratch it. I paid a lot, I’ve been dreaming of this chair for over a year, and I don’t want it ruined, and I’m absolutely not willing to declaw the cats (someone suggested that to me…).

        2. The Other Dawn*

          Comment is in moderation because of the link, but just go to relaxtheback dot com and search “hale aircomfort.” It’s made by Cozzia. I wrote more about it, which you’ll see once the comment is released. Oh, and I forgot to add to that comment that the store I got it from has locations across the US. And there are other chairs like this out there, which are likely less money.

    2. Elizabeth W.*

      Best: I sold that blasted futon I’ve been using as a sofa. I hate futons. I only bought it when my daybed broke and I couldn’t afford either a new daybed frame or a sofa. But the lady who bought it had a flat, so I have to move it back into the garage tonight so she can come get it tomorrow when she gets her tired fixed. :P

      My friend sold me a mattress and box spring for $20, so I’m just sitting on it until I can find a cheap frame. Even though I’m still close to the floor, it’s 900 times more comfortable.

      Worst: I’ve only made about $81. DAMMIT. All the crap sold but none of the good stuff! >:(

    3. Cruciatus*

      Best: Found a new realtor (who seems cool), went to see a house on Monday after it was posted last Friday. Really liked it and my (first ever) offer was generous but…

      Worst: The seller/agent (she’s both) asked for best and final offers. Since I thought mine was already super generous I didn’t budge but two others offered higher than asking (which is overbidding. The house is VERY NICE, but just not worth what they paid. I don’t think their banks will appraise the house as high as the price offered–but maybe it doesn’t matter). And it’s irrationally bothering me that she still hasn’t marked it as pending. I keep getting emails from house buying websites to “check out this new house!” Gah!

      Coming up best and worst: New kitten will be joining our currently calm one cat house. I’m excited about the little guy and terrified he’ll be a monster and the current cat will eat his head (she won’t actually do this, but I just worry about the change in the status quo).

    4. Jules the First*

      Best: had one of those wonderful do-no-wrong rides with my horse on Tuesday night. Glowing with achievement.

      Worst: broke my ankle (probably) in an embarassing incident involving a spacehopper and a relay race at a team building event on Thursday. Embarassed and sore (and on crutches for at least a week)…and it will be weeks before I get to follow up on those breakthroughs on horseback.

    5. Nervous Accountant*

      Best-idk. It was an average week. Went to my gyn for an ongoing issue and same standard advice, control the diabetes and blah blah bla. She kept me waiting for 45 min in the room and rushed out. Work was nice, got to do some new stuff. Oh good thing was I went all week without taking a Xanax.
      And I finally started tackling my storage room. I organized piles of clothes shoes bags books and took out the trash. Next weeek will be actually going through the crap and deciding what to discard and donate and keep.

      Worst-thinking someone was breaking in and not being able to sleep for hours. But that was ok too cz I didn’t wake up late, was OK at work and didn’t have to take a pill to calm my nerves.

    6. Slartibartfast*

      Best: officially no longer unemployed! Started at new job and very excited about the fit.

      Worst: my new doctor decided that the probable psoriasis on my knee that’s been a minor nuisance for 20+ years had been going on too long and “we” needed to biopsy it. That was Tuesday, it’s still oozing off and on, spent 2 nights sleeping in the recliner soI could ice it. If I knew it ws going to hurt this bad I wouldn’t have agreed to it.

    7. Windchime*

      Best: Someone who treated me terribly and was awful to me at my old job got unceremoniously fired. That made me unreasonably happy. Also, we had a couple of nice, sunny days this week.

      Worst: My house is a wreck and I just can’t get motivated to clean.

    8. Aurora Leigh*

      BEST: Bf was off Friday and Saturday evenings! (He usually works weekends and is on 2nd shift.) We got to take the dog for long walks, cuddle on the couch, and went out for dinner at the Japanese steakhouse.

      WORST: The dog’s skin allergies seem to be flaring again, we’ll probably have to go back to the vet.

  53. Middle School Teacher*

    At the end of May I posted that I had fallen on an outstretched hand and jammed my thumb, and a few people mentioned to keep an eye on it because it could be worse than I thought. You were right: I screwed up my rotator cuff and now I’m rehabbing it. It HURTS. And it’s my right arm, and I’m right handed, so I can’t just rest it.

    Sigh, such a pain (literally and figuratively).

  54. EvilQueenRegina*

    Update on the uncle and aunt who were threatening to drop in unannounced on my cousin, his wife and new baby.

    Up to now, Uncle Robert and Aunt Cersei haven’t carried out the threat to just turn up. Before I had the chance to warn Jon and Ygritte, Jon brought it up himself. The way he tells it, far from giving them the brush off, Jon HAS been offering Robert dates to visit but Robert just isn’t replying to confirm. So if someone else then tries to plan something with Jon, as far as he’s concerned he’s free and can accept it. THEN Robert and Cersei try confirming the dates on about two days notice, and when Jon has to explain he’s no longer free, that’s what they’re perceiving as a brush off. They have a hard time with the concept that people sometimes do need more than a couple of days notice, I could give numerous examples of that. So I am more inclined to believe Jon’s version.

    They did eventually confirm a date but the day before, Robert and Cersei cancelled because Cersei forgot she had a party in the evening. Then at a family party which Jon had to miss at the last minute because he was sick, Robert went into a rant about how Jon won’t let him see the baby. Am I wrong to think that Robert should accept his own responsibility instead of bashing Jon to the whole family?

    1. The Doctor*

      No, you are NOT wrong. If Robert insists on waiting until Jon has other plans before replying to Jon’s invitation, Robert is the one with the problem.

    2. LilySparrow*

      Nope, you’re not wrong. Uncle Robert is being a passive-aggressive dillweed. But I’m sure if Jon grew up with him, he knows that already.

    3. valentine*

      If Robsei’s finding out about Jon’s concrete plans for the offered times and this is some weird competition/jockeying for position/who is most worthy/who has seen The Baby, this can all stop with some simple boundaries. Jongritte should stop hosting/coddling/caring about these entitled people who don’t respect the Jongritte family’s time/space. Why don’t they meet in a public place for a timed event, if it’s so important for Robsei to see the baby in person? (Assuming Jongritte are willing to walk away and resist being conscripted into hosting because Robsei didn’t book a room/can’t drive home.)

    4. Dr. Anonymous*

      I’d just look at him and say, “Wow, man. You haven’t seen the baby yet? What’d you do?” as if it’s obvious to you only assholes haven’t been invited to see the baby yet.

  55. BugSwallowersAnonymous*

    My boyfriend’s had some disappointment this weekend- he planned his birthday get-together a few weeks ago and this week he’s had a rush of people saying they can’t come, and other people who just never responded. Unless someone shows up last minute, no one’s going to be there besides me. He’s really disappointed, and also tired, since a good number of these friends have shown a lack of care in many ways in the last couple years, not just by canceling plans. I know there’s not a lot I can do for him, because I can’t change the fact that a lot of these friendships ARE pretty one sided and that just hurts, no getting around it. But I hate seeing him hurting like this. Part of it is that we’re in our mid-twenties, and I know that’s a time when many people drift away from old friends. But in my mind, this is absolutely a pearls-before-swine situation, biased as I am. Honestly I feel like a few of these friends are pretty…shallow, as terrible as that sounds. But of course that’s not what he needs to hear right now. So I’m not sure how to be supportive or what I can really do other than convey how much I love and value him.

    1. kc89*

      Can you invite some of your friends that you can trust to show up? That way you can grantee at least a few people will show up.

      You know your boyfriend better than I do of course, but personally if it was a group thing (as opposed to just a couple thing) I would rather some of my girlfriend’s friends show up than nobody show up.

    2. Ruffingit*

      I totally get it. My wonderful husband planned a surprise party for my 40th birthday. It was on a Thursday evening, but he had gotten commitments from several of my friends to attend. Then, on the day…four people showed. Everyone else sent “oh sorry, can’t make it” texts or whatever either an hour before or an hour into the party. It was just sad and distressing. Less for myself, but I felt terrible for my husband who put so much planning into the decorations and the food and the surprise for me. Sometimes people just suck. I’m sorry for your boyfriend, I know how it feels and it’s awful.

    3. AJ*

      Ugh, I really hate when this happens, especially for something like a birthday (which is like the biggest thing I would expect my friends to show up for). My friend and I have tried to plan several events for our larger friend groups recently and they all fell through. And they all involved large upfront costs like hotel or campsite reservations that we ended up having to cover. Like one other person out of 15 we invited showed up so costs ended up being way higher than we expected. I feel like its becoming more and more common these days for people to just overcommit themselves and not feel bad for bailing last second.

    4. HannahS*

      What a bummer! I have a friend whose partner is kind of going through something similar–realizing that his friends kind of suck. One thing she’s done is to try to share us (her friends) with him. She’s super polite about it–she always asks if it’s ok and never makes me feel like a third wheel–and it’s been good! He’s a great addition to our friend group.

    5. Sabine the Very Mean*

      I wouldn’t judge too harshly. Men have differences of conduct first off. And people have strong feelings about birthdays, believe it or not. I, for example, find adults planning their own birthday get-togethers as very odd indeed. I really hate the feeling of obligation in friendships. I would count on more intimate birthdays from here on.

    6. Engineering consultant*

      I think mid-twenties is when you kind of figure out who your friends are, the ones that will show up for people’s birthday and things. It’s definitely easier in college to have massive friend groups and have everyone show up, but as you get older, you generally weed out the casual acquaintances and keep the more intimate friendships. At 31, I really only celebrate my birthday with either my sister or my SO. When I was younger, I did plan massive birthday gatherings, but they got to be a bit of a hassle to coordinate them so I stopped around 28-29.

      That being said, I think it’s ABSOLUTELY RUDE for someone to cancel plans last minute, especially if they previously said yes. Short of actually being physically sick or some family emergency, there’s no excuse or reason to not show up for a friend or say you can’t make it a week or two in advance.

    7. Washi*

      I feel you/your boyfriend on this! I’ve pretty much stopped planning parties because the day-of cancellations were just too demoralizing for me.

  56. Free Meerkats*

    Latest progress on the next costume, a different maille ring size test swatch.

    Top, 16 Gauge X 3/8; bottom, 14 Gauge X 3/8. I like the bottom, but the costume would be 80% heavier (and slightly more costly.) But it will also be self-supporting, the lighter rings will have to have portions stitched to a tulle backing for support, adding complexity and failure modes.

    https://www.instagram.com/p/BoUdfBclPdC/

    2. Penguin*

      Ooh, nice! Out of curiosity, what does that 80% weight increase look like? (In units, I mean.) I’ve thought about chainmail costumes at various times, but carrying extra weight like that seems like it’d be super uncomfortable… or maybe I’m just borrowing trouble and it’s NBD?

      1. Free Meerkats*

        The 16 Gauge SWG aluminum in this weave is about half a pound per square foot. The 14 is about 0.9 per. So for this costume, I’m looking at about 10 pounds vs 18. But, it’s distributed weight; the belt supports everything below your hips on your hips and I’ll also have elbow couters, so the weight below the elbow will be in the elbow.

        Compared to the 24-28 pounds of lead I carry on a harness for scuba diving, it won’t be bad.

        1. Penguin*

          Ohh, I didn’t think of the belt acting as a support; that makes sense! And the scuba connection, too- I know what a weight belt feels like. That’s helpful, thanks!

  57. Nervous Accountant*

    Something weird is going on. I’m hoping it’s all coincidences

    Last week we got a ticket for parking our car in (what I considered) our driveway on the sidewalk. This is a common area to park our car. Everyone in the neighborhood does this. Our driveway is simply not big enough to hold our car (yay crappy structural house!). It’s always rough to find parking bc each home has multiple vehicles and my next door neighbor takes up 3 spots with his grill, food truck and a cone to save his space. Others use bins or cones to save their space. We didn’t know all of this was illegal until we got the ticket.

    The other night I was asleep in the living room and woke up bc I heard someone trying to open the kitchen door. I was petrified and texted my husband to come check. He went through the house kitchen etc. nothing. Double checked the locks. Blocked the basement door so no one could get in.

    A day or so later I was at work and according to my mom & husband 2 police officers came to our house saying someone called the police. It wasn’t us.

    Last night I was getting out of my uber and my next door neighbor stopped me. He asked if I had any issues w him and his grill. I kind of waffled and said yeah it’s hard to find parking at night and we got one too. And he told me that he got a ticket for parking his truck, and that the complaint came from our address. I was shocked bc we definitely did not complain about him. He said complaints are anonymous but he has a friend in the precinct who could tell him. We talked for a few minutes about it and the tickets we got and he was really apologetic and sad. I don’t blame him, his ticket was $2000 and he could lose his food license which is his livelihood.

    I don’t know if one has anything to do w the other. I’m 95% inclined to believe he just said it was our address to get me to confess (and trust me I’m not offended, I’d be pissed AF too) and when I didn’t he realized it wasn’t us who called on him. My mom brought up a point that he’s saying this to everyone he talked to which makes sense to me. There’s the 5% of me that believes someone did use our address for some reason, just to cover their own ass or any other reason. I don’t know. I’ve been in this neighborhood for 17 & 4 years and nothing like this ever happened.

    1. kc89*

      That does sound like a weird week! Hope it calms down.

      That parking sounds rough, my neighborhood is similar. Too many cars per household. There’s one family who has an elaborate switching out car ritual so they basically have an entire stretch of public parking spots occupied at all times, it’s obnoxious.

    2. WellRed*

      Good for you being honest with your neighbor and he apologized. With regard to blocking a sidewalk with a car (and I sympathize), I once saw a blind woman encounter this. The look of fear and confusion on her face has stayed with me.

      1. HannahS*

        Yeah. It sucks that homeowners can’t park their cars, but it’s really important for people with a number of disabilities to have the sidewalks clear. Consider wheelchair users, people with walkers, people on crutches or with canes–the sidewalks need to be accessible to them, because curving around a car on the inclined part of the sidewalk or navigating onto the road and back up can be difficult and straight up unsafe. It’s not like that info helps you, if you literally can’t park any closer to the house than you are already, but just to explain that that’s a legitimate and important law. I don’t entirely get why your neighbour needs a full space for his grill, though. How big is his grill? Can he put it on his front yard?

        It’s a bit concerning to me that the police were called from your address AND the neighbour said that someone complained using your address. You’re right that the neighbour could be lying. But if he’s not–a) maybe the police precinct maybe should know that an officer is leaking information that should remain confidential and b) if someone’s trying to harass you, they’ve already done two things. I think your 5% doubt is worth listening to!

        1. Nervous Accountant*

          I get that. We don’t cover the entire driveway, just part of it, so there’s a whole area for ppl to walk by. We habe ppl who park right in front of the NO PARKING street sign (for which we got a ticket for in the past) and by the fire hydrant. So it sucks.

          1. Someone Else*

            I get that it’s frustrating to be ticketed for it, but it is illegal for any part of a car to be on the sidewalk that cuts across the driveway. Like even if the wheels are all still on the driveway part, and basically only the bumper is hanging over the sidewalk part (even if it’s a couple inches), it’s still ticketable. I understand why it’s common in the area, but this is one of those “if everyone’s doing it regularly, everyone’s lucky they’ve not all been ticketed for it more frequently”.

      2. Nervous Accountant*

        Yeah we’ve been super annoyed by him taking up so many spots but it’s for his business so we let it go. We considered that part our property and therefore ours to do what we want with it but I suppose not. Someone else had called 311 on us so it is so infuriating.

        2. AvonLady Barksdale*

          It doesn’t matter that it’s for his business if it’s taking up parking space. If that gets him a ticket, really that’s not your problem. What IS your problem is that if you want to let it go and not ask him to allow you room to park, then you can’t park illegally. It doesn’t matter if everyone else in the neighborhood does it. Now you’ve been ticketed, you’ve all been warned, so you either have to find a way to fit in your driveway or you park around the block.

          I get it– I lived in New York for a long time and I think parking enforcement is inconsistent at best. But “everyone does it” doesn’t mean you won’t get a ticket. Obviously someone, either a private citizen or a parking enforcement officer, has decided to buckle down. You’re free to ignore it, but you might get ticketed again and them’s the breaks.

          1. Nervous Accountant*

            Yeah, it was just ignorance on our part, we didn’t know it was illegal. I know ignorance of the law isn’t a defense but lesson learned.

      3. Lynn Whitehat*

        Cars parked across the sidewalk like that make life really difficult for pedestrians. I wish they would start enforcing the law around here. People are forced into the street because the sidewalks are so difficult to navigate.

    3. Ali G*

      Yeah it’s illegal to block the sidewalk with your car. Many places ticket for that (some more aggressively than others). Since you have so many parking issues on your street, my bet is a lot of people have been complaining and enforcement is stepping up.
      Also, where I live, your neighbor would totally be getting ticketed. Commercial vehicles are not supposed to be parked on residential streets (your area may be different). And definitely a grill and a cone? Sorry it’s not legal (and actually would probably be picked up as trash).
      Hope things get better!

    4. StudentA*

      It’s interesting you say that. I had a bunch of things happen this week too, enough that I actively had to stop myself from succumbing to a dangerously superstitious thought pattern. Taken separately, they’re a bummer, but all in one week? Whew. I wondered if the universe was trying to tell me how much I suck or something. Well, knowing what a slippery slope that would be, I pivoted my thought pattern. I simply had to. Just told myself today was a new day, over and over. I’m better today.

    5. ronda*

      When enforcement comes out, they are going to give everyone they see tickets.
      So, a person complains about one person’s parking, they come out and give tickets for all the violations.

      A $2000 violation for parking sounds very steep, so other stuff he was doing is probably not legal too.

      We had the same issue in my neighborhood with code enforcement for houses (things like you cant have peeling paint, etc). Someone calls about a really terrible one and they give tickets to everyone who has issues, then those people complain about how some neighbor is targeting them….. instead of just cleaning up their act.

      If the cops are doing it rather than the parking or code enforcement person, they might not ticket everyone, cause they might get called on a higher priority call.

    6. LilySparrow*

      Anyone new in the neighborhood, or have a new roommate/relative who just moved in? The sudden spate of calls sounds like a person with too much time on their hands and no outlet for their grievances.

    7. LCL*

      If your police department has a non emergency number, call it and ask to talk to someone to explain parking policies and enforcement. Then you all can comply, or take your chances.

      I once got a ticket for parking in a place I thought was a legal parking area by my house. There weren’t any signs, and other people had parked similarly. Shortly after, signs went up everywhere. I went to court, the ticket was dismissed because technically I wasn’t quite in the no park area. Turns out the area was and had always been no parking, but it wasn’t enforced. Until we had a few houses get new residents on our street, and they were so stupid they didn’t know that if you block mailboxes with your car there will be problems. So yeah, the culprit who prodded the police department and made all the enforcement happen was someone at the local branch of the post office. Who is irate about parking in your neighborhood? That’s whose calling the cops.

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        Well… I am def irate! Lol. But I def didn’t call the police although I was really tempted to after I got my last ticket. We’re very conscious of signs and all now.

    8. valentine*

      Who would benefit from reporting y’all and pitting y’all against each other? I’m thinking whatever part of the sidewalk you’re responsible for keeping clear of snow/ice (which I don’t understand because, as a pedestrian, cleared snow turned to ice, so the street was safer for me to walk on) is a general responsibility. Ideally, the neighbors would agree on one space per house, then another space per second, etc vehicle one can legally park on the street. The guy with at least three spaces is out of line. Does he not have a lawn or other space? Can someone else host his grill or truck? Can you park diagonally or partly on your lawn to keep the sidewalk clear? Is it possible your mom called in the complaint and rattled the kitchen door?

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        My mom doesn’t speak English so she wouldn’t have called the police. The kitchen door… I really don’t know. I was asleep and bolted awake from hearing those noises. She was asleep at the time and definitely had no idea it was happening n

  58. Nina*

    Many thanks to MsChanandlerBong and everyone who posted in the adult ADHD thread last weekend. I was just skimming the post and it caught my eye. Thought the link between motivation and ADHD was interesting, so I did some research. Needless to say, the books kept mentioning traits and symptoms that I’ve had for years, but just figured it was due to laziness and lack of motivation, despite making efforts over and over again. I’m going to look into it more, but it’s nice that these issues might actually have a cause. I’m so glad I saw that thread.

  59. Valancy Snaith*

    Has anyone else ever done sweepstakes/contest entering as a hobby? I’ve gotten into it recently because it’s oddly very soothing to do while I zone out and listen to a podcast or idly catch up on TV, and hey, if I win something, all the better. Any wins?

    1. Ruffingit*

      I have a friend who enters tons of contests and she wins quite often. Nothing huge, but she’s gotten several free books and products.

    2. BuildMeUp*

      I do it! My mom entered them a lot growing up, so I’ve been entering off and on since I was in college. The main site I use is Sweepstakes Today.

      It is very soothing/repetitive! It’s nice to have a fun little routine like that.

      I did win a trip to Hawaii about 8 years ago, which was very exciting. I don’t think I’ve won anything other than small free product coupons and branded tchotchkes in the past few years, though.

    4. Square Root Of Minus One*

      My partner does on video game products. Scored a PS4 with games in June. He gave me the console since he already had one. Nice bargain since I was thinking of buying it :)

    5. StudentA*

      I do all the time. I don’t end up winning anything. I do generate tons of junk email though, because in order to enter, I have to agree to be on a bunch of email lists. I enter so many, I wonder if people actually win for every single sweepstake. It’s not just because I don’t win, but because I don’t run into others who say they won anything either. Of course I know some people win some sweepstakes, my issue is, do all these sweepstakes have winners?

    6. ronda*

      2 of my sisters do it. They win stuff.
      but my one sister feels like other people are winning more / better stuff :)

      I entered a little bit and did win a couch and a few small $ gift cards.

      A lot of times I looked at the prizes and I didnt really want the stuff, so I was not motivated to continue.
      I still buy the lotttery ticket to win millions tho :)

    7. Chaordic One*

      Several years ago I entered a sweepstakes by Shaw Flooring on the HGTV and won a very nice area rug, like about 12 feet by 12 feet. They reran the sweepstakes a year later and I won a bottle of rug shampoo.

      I also one a big bottle of car wax one time.

    8. A different anonymous today*

      Different things work for different people…I tried it for about an hour a day for a good 4 months, and then tapered down to 4 or 5 entries a day for the next 6 months, and had a grand total of $10.

      I’m not sure it was soothing enough, once I added up the time commitment and lack of fulfillment. . I think I’ll go back to crocheting dishclothes or something, that doesn’t involve screen time? YMMV, but … it’s a lot like the lottery. And you are giving them a lot of information. I get a lot more catalogs and spam stuff now.

    9. Aphrodite*

      I enter almost all the HGTV contests and, when I can do it, the PCH ones. The trouble with the latter is that they don’t leave you alone. Numerous emails come every day. Sometimes, like now, I just get tired of them and delete them without opening. At other times, I enter two or three of their ways every day. I’ve never won anything, but I know these are legitimate. And, hey, I might win that free house from HGTV–but if I ever do I am taking the money instead of the house.

  60. Elizabeth W.*

    I am having a garage sale and I have been sitting here for six hours and have only made $60 and I am PISSED. >:(
    All I ever get in this stupid neighborhood are old people with handfuls of change. Bah! None of the good stuff is selling, just the crap!

    My fan group had one a couple of weeks ago and made $400. I am Ticked. Off.

    1. HannahS*

      How many ways was that $400 split? I was in a competition with some friends where the prize was $200 and some people were taking it suuuuper seriously until I pointed out that we’d each be getting around $30. But also, my sympathies. It’s hard to make real money at a garage sale, and so much of it is stuff you can’t control–your neighbourhood, the weather, etc.

      1. Elizabeth W.*

        I’m up to $80. FML. None of the good stuff has sold but all of the crap!

        It was for the group expenses. We all threw in some stuff and the group organizer, whose idea it was, collected it at her house.

        I also asked on Facebook if anyone wanted to come help me / throw in some stuff of their own and *crickets*. I will not be sorry to leave this place behind me when the universe answers my requests (AND IT WILL OR I WILL PUNCH IT IN THE NADS). >:(

          1. Elizabeth W.*

            Aww thanks!
            The daily posts are getting so many comments before I get to them that I can barely read everything, but I really like the weekend one and the Friday one. :)

        2. WellRed*

          That sounds typical for a yard sale. For the better stuff, I can’t recommend facebook marketplace enough.

          1. Elizabeth W.*

            Tried it already for my best item–got nowhere.
            But the lady picked up the futon today– it is GONE! And my garage is the cleanest it’s been in years! :’D

            Now I need to wait until I can afford a cheap daybed frame for this mattress and box spring I have instead of a sofa. But even though I’m still too close to the floor, it’s 10,000 times more comfy than the futon ever was (I HATE them).

    2. Piano Girl*

      We had a garage sale a couple of weeks ago. Sold a little bit here and there – until the very end. I was packing up some of the items that I had tried selling (both at the yard sale and on FB Marketplace) when a couple of my neighbors stopped by. Suddenly, twelve shirts, two tables, and a few other things were bought! Garage sales are weird….

      1. Elizabeth W.*

        They are weird! You think, “Oh nobody will ever buy that stupid thing,” and boom, they do. I had a little bit of old random pool stuff left over from a few years ago–chemicals, a beach ball, a cover, one of those little vacuums you hook up to a hose, assorted filters. Put it in a box with “All $10” and thought hahaha, no. SOMEONE BOUGHT IT.

    4. Waiting for the Sun*

      Honestly, I hardly ever go to garage sales. Too random. I prefer thrift stores. Not trying to be unneighborky, just not my thing. I Minho if a group was doing it as a fundraiser, though.

    5. valentine*

      When else will you get $10/hr for sitting in/near your garage? When you say good stuff, is it more expensive or do you care which stuff people want? Is Craigslist an option?

      1. Elizabeth W.*

        More expensive. I did sell my biggest, weirdest chair on CL recently (and bought ALL the Marvel Blu-rays with the money, haha).

        True about the sitting. Though it was uncommonly chilly for early September. I needed a scarf upon opening and did not get any early birds, which is unusual. I’m sure they were all at home sipping hot cocoa and waiting for it to warm up.

    6. Earthwalker*

      We just finished a sad garage sale like yours. I much prefer flea markets to garage sales both for selling and buying. It’s a scramble to pack the car, get it down there in the pre-dawn dusk, pay the seller’s site fee, and set up, but hundreds of people come and buy in a few hours. We’ve sold twice as much by 2:00 on a Saturday at the flea market than we’ve ever sold in a whole weekend of garage sale and a flea market is like a party. When the crowd tapers off in the afternoon, all the leftovers go into the car and off to the second hand store on the way home and we’re all done. I wish we had a local flea market.

      1. Elizabeth W.*

        That sounds great–we have swap meets. But I don’t have a vehicle that can transport all that.

        Oh well, I made enough to upgrade my upcoming hair appointment. Yay!

  61. Dr. KMnO4*

    Fun with Magic: The Gathering!

    A while ago I posted about some decks I was working on. I made a red/blue instant and sorcery only deck. It was never intended to be a serious business deck, and it really isn’t. It’s silly and fun. On the other hand, my black/white lifelink deck is AMAZING. It won a game against my husband’s blue/black mind control and infect deck, which is one of his serious business decks. It’s really fun to play and nearly unstoppable if it gets going.

    Last night my husband and I bought some new cards. We got a pair of duel decks that look good, I bought a black/red Planeswalker deck that came with 2 extra boosters, and we got a Chaos 6 pack (six random booster packs from recent sets). From the eight extra booster packs, we got 6 mythic rares, three of which are Planeswalkers. We can’t believe our luck. I’m looking forward to building some decks with my new cards.

    Anybody else have fun MTG stories to share?

    1. LJay*

      Late on this, but I just started playing again for the first time in like 20+ years.

      We did a chaos draft on Friday night, which I didn’t like/do well in. Just too many different sets and nothing fit together coherently.

      Then we did the Ravinica pre-release event. I did Selesnia or however you spell it. It went okay for me. I was competitive in a round against someone who seemed to play seriously, won one round, then lost my final round pretty handily.

      He played all weekend and is going to play in the Mexico City grand prix this weekend. I am much more casual. Might play some side events, might just go enjoy the city instead. Probably some combination of the two.

      I’m pretty much only playing limited (draft and sealed), but I really enjoy playing white and green. I also like black. I’m really not comfortable with the play style for red or blue. In my chaos draft I had some decent blue cards but couldn’t put anything together.

      1. LJay*

        Was considering going to play a pauper tournament tonight, but will probably go and sleep instead.

  62. Camping Help*

    I’ve been invited by the boyfriend to tentatively go camping in November. November in the south can be anything from 30s/40s to like 80s, so I’m perplexed on attire. If it’s warm, I’ve got clothes covered. But cooler weather…what does one wear for camping? He’s handling all the gear because he just has something for every occasion. But I obviously have to dress myself. HELP ME.

    This is such a girl problem.

    1. ThatGirl*

      Layers. Thin and warm. So long sleeved shirt, tech jacket, sweatshirt, hat, gloves… you get the idea. Warm socks and boots.

    2. Valancy Snaith*

      You can go a long way if your feet, core, and head are all warm. Warm socks and warm boots or sturdy shoes, and bring more socks than you think you’ll need in case they get wet. Layer up next to your core–you can always take stuff off, but if you’re stuck shivering wearing everything you brought, you won’t be happy. And bring a hat (and possibly a spare if there’s the possibility that it might get wet, too). I like to always have gloves handy because my hands are always cold. That will take you far!

    3. Camping Help*

      Well that’s helpful. I’ll probably get a like down vest then to go with my jacket. And maybe some hiking boots. It’s been many moons since I’ve gone camping, and I was a kid so my memories are very fuzzy. Thanks!

      1. louise*

        When the trip is closer and you can see the 10 day forecast, you’ll be able to firm up your plans better, but it’s smart to think of all the contingencies now. If temps are low, I have had great luck with the thermacare heat wraps available in the pharmacy. They stay perfectly warm for at least 12 hours (even though box only promises 8ish). I wear a fleece lined under armor turtleneck and then whatever goes on top of that depends on the elements—waterproof or just wind proof. I’m incredibly NOT outdoorsy so I had to develop strategies that keep me comfortable. I’d rather bundle up than sweat, so I’d be crossing my fingers for cold, myself.

    4. The Person from the Resume*

      Layers. Just saw that my local wal-mart has put out the base layers (top and bottom) ie cuddle duds etc. You’ll probably want a base layer under your jeans or sweats if it’s freezing.

      I’m in the south too and it’s still high in the 80s. Who’s buying winter gear already?

    5. The New Wanderer*

      Make sure your warm clothes are stuff you feel comfortable sleeping in. When we’ve done fall camping, we usually sleep in full layers and hats (seriously) even with cold-rated sleeping bags. Plan on it being really cold just in case. Having a campfire at night and especially in the morning is really helpful too, but if your boyfriend’s experienced he’s probably got that covered.

    6. Nye*

      As others have said, layers! And if you’re not particularly outdoorsy, don’t spend tons of money on expensive tech stuff you won’t wear again. Here’s what I wear/bring for cooler-weather camping:

      Base layer: lightweight, wicking long underwear (Merino wool is lovely but spendy, polypropylene is much cheaper and just fine). You can sleep in this, and if it’s very cold, wear it under your other clothes for hiking. But you’ll warm up while you’re moving, so probably won’t need to.

      Quick-drying outer layer (NOT cotton): I wear synthetic long hiking pants and a long-sleeved synthetic hiking shirt, both by Columbia. Quick-drying/wicking is key because if you’re wet (from sweat, dew, rain, etc) and it’s cold out, you’ll really feel it.

      Warm layers: lightweight microfiber fleece jacket (cheap is fine). If you have it, lightweight down jacket (a huge treat!). If not, maybe another light fleece.

      Barrier layer: lightweight rain shell with a hood (ideally ONLY a shell, nothing insulated), lightweight rain pants if you have them. Fancy is great but there are some very serviceable cheap brands out there – White Sierra and Froggs Toggs, for example. Some people love rain skirts but they are useless if it’s windy, so I’d advise against.

      Shoes: depending on where you are and your preferences, either solid hiking boots or trail runners. I used to be a boot devotee but now I’m 100% in on hiking in trail runners. Especially if you go for boots, if you buy new shoes for the trip, be sure you break then in first! Wear them on and off for a few weeks of decently heavy walking until you’re sure they won’t blister your feet. (Trail runners, especially if purchased 0.5-1 size too big, shouldn’t have this problem.) You don’t want to wear new boots on an overnight hike.

      Socks: Multiple pair, wicking. You can buy fancy Merino wool socks, and those are nice, but cheap polypropylene / acrylic are also fine (just don’t last as long).

      Accessories: synthetic fleece cap that you can pull down over your ears, kerchief/buff, lightweight synthetic gloves.

      Other thoughts: If you sleep cold (many women do), make sure your partner is bringing a sleep system that is extra-warm. If he has a thermal sleeping bag liner, bring it. His idea of comfortable might differ from yours, and it sucks to be too cold to sleep.

      Happy to answer anything other questions! I solo through-hiked the PCT a few years ago, among other smaller hiking trips, and I have Opinions on hiking while female.

      1. Jules the First*

        Any suggested brands for rain skirts? I’d love one for city use (it rains a lot where I am and I walk to work and wear a lot of skirts, so rain pants are not particularly practical) and while I saw a couple a few years ago, I haven’t seen them since.

        1. Nye*

          Nothing offhand, I’m afraid. I used the hiker trash method of making one out of a trash compactor bag, which is fine in a semi-feral backpacking situation but not exactly business casual.

          I got the impression that they were usually DIY, but I suspect there is someone on the internet selling them. (A lot of the more specialty backpacking stuff is sold online by tiny outfits and not available in stores.)

          Good luck finding one!

      2. Camping Help*

        That was seriously the most helpful list I could probably have run across. Definitely taking a screen cap of that.

        1. Nye*

          Glad to hear it – enjoy your trip! I’ve been jonesing for a good backpack for a while now but haven’t been able to find the time, so it’s fun to have a reason to think about it.

          As a general rule, avoid cotton clothes, wear comfortable broken-in shoes, and if you think you’ll be cold, bring a bunch of synthetic fleeces to layer. And have fun! Here’s hoping you get lovely weather.

  63. annakarina1*

    I’m feeling better about dating lately. I went out twice with a guy from Bumble in the last two weeks. We’re both into cult genre films, so we saw stuff at repertory theaters. The dates have been nice, and we have a lot in common (similar backgrounds, taste in movies and music). I had initiated both dates, so I’m waiting to see if he asks for a third date. We chatted a bit during the week, but there aren’t any plans now, so I will just focus on other stuff, I’m going to a horror movie meetup group tonight.

    I also was happy to see my FWB this week, though I was down from the news, so I was in a sad mood. He helped to comfort me (not meaning sex, just talking to me as a friend), said he would like to see me a little more often (we only really see each other 1-2 times a month) and we talked about communication issues in our relationship to improve on. So I did like that even though we are not a couple, we’ve had a long relationship in which we still have discussions that are very couple-like, if that makes sense. He also called me very cute, and I hadn’t been called that in ages, especially being in my thirties, so that was nice to hear.

    1. wingmaster*

      I’ve also had better success on Bumble recently too! I’m on it to find platonic friends, but I was able to meet up with 3 ladies and had some good conversations. I’ve been texting 2 of them everyday, so hopefully we’ll meet up again soon.

  64. Anon Annoyed*

    My Walmart grocery pickup order used ELEVEN plastic bags, for a 16 item order. It could have easily and reasonably fit in a maximum of 5. I’m not the most environmentally conscious person by any means, but that’s just outrageous. I’m sure it has to do with different departments, but it’s still annoying. (Even more so because there’s no easy way to recycle them in my area – I use them as trash can liners, and I don’t generate enough trash to use what I do have.)

    1. Juliecatharine*

      If there’s a dog park near you that would be a great place to bring them. Just put the all in a bag tied to the fence. People are always running out of bags to pick up with.

    2. Rebecca*

      When I get groceries, I opt for some plastic bags since I use them for cat litter scoopings. I noticed my local grocery store does this, and I always politely ask the checkout person to put multiple things in the bags. Often they tell me many people are very picky about this and want every single thing separated. The only thing I like separated is something that might smell very perfumy, like soap, or maybe liquid detergents in case they leak. Otherwise, just shove it all in there.

    3. Parenthetically*

      Is there not a way to use reusable bags for pickup? There are grocery stores here that do pickup exclusively in cloth bags, and then next time you just bring them back. I think there’s a running “deposit” per bag but as long as you return them to the car-caddy every time you pick up, you’re never going to get dinged.

      Also I’m 99% sure nearly every Walmart has a plastic bag recycling right by the front door. If mobility is an issue, could the person who brings your groceries to your car run your bags back past the recycling box?

      1. Anon Annoyed*

        Nope, all the Walmart’s in my area haven’t had them in probably 5-6 years. They used to, but no idea what happened to them. My guess is they got tired of people using them as trashcans.

        1. Clumsy Ninja*

          Mine just took theirs away recently, too. :( Fortunately most of the other stores locally have them.

    4. Chaordic One*

      Gee, my local Walmart has a recycling box right inside the front door where you can return their bags and they’ll reuse them.

        1. acmx*

          I had the same problem when I tried Wal-Mart (and Kroger) in general I think those places use too many compared to Publix (local chain).

          Anyways, Target and Lowe’s around here also had bag recycling (I realize that’s potentially a pain). I like the dog park and shelter suggestion!

    5. valentine*

      Was it easier for the driver to carry or bagged by department? Is there a write-in area on your account or during ordering where you can request a minimum of bags?

      1. Anon Annoyed*

        I’m guessing bagged by aisle.. I wouldn’t even say it was by department. But hey, at least they didn’t waste one (or two) on the milk. Unfortunately I’m not seeing an option to add a comment when ordering, but I left feedback about it on the survey. Doubtful it gets read, but who knows!

    6. Not So NewReader*

      They can’t put more than one item in the bag, the bag will rip. Walmart bags and Dollar tree bags are worthless. By the time I get them in the house they are ripped. Always.

      One of those places had a promo for buying groceries online. I thought I would try. It was supposed to be two boxes over two days. It would take whatever time to get there. What actually happened was it was 5 boxes over a two week period. They did not have 2 out of the eight items I ordered. The items they did send came in boxes much larger than the item. And they randomly cancelled my last two items because they were out of stock. They never asked if I wanted to wait.
      I wrote them about this and they never answered me.

      Not impressed.

    7. Villanelle*

      Maybe you could ask your store to start providing the recycling bin for bags again. Be the change. Get your local politician involved. Do something positive.

    8. KR*

      Hi, I used to work for Hannaford to go. Is there one of those in your area? They use nice paper bags and have a super good comment section to request less bags. One thing I used to do would be to essentially rebag the order once it was done being shopped to save bags and make it more convenient for the customer. It also helped reduce my risk of having a missed bag, which was the main mistake to be made and a Huge deal because it was so frustrating for the customer. I would try adding a comment/request for less bags and if that doesn’t work try Hannaford to Go. Food lion might do it too.

    9. WellRed*

      So interesting no one has suggested bringing your own reusable bags. Even if you forget once in awhile it’s an improvement. Where I live, towns are implementing fees on plastic bags to emcourage this. The ripple effect means clerks are asking if you even want them, and using fewer overall.

      2. Parenthetically*

        I did. But in many places for grocery PICKUP (as in, you order online and then store employees choose and bag your groceries and bring them out to your car), reusable bags are not an option.

    10. Earthwalker*

      It defeats the point of bagging, doesn’t it? Cloth bags are so convenient because you don’t have to worry if two cartons of milk in the same one will burst it or break the handles and splash on the driveway. One year I made grocery bags as a Christmas gift project – some sturdy fabric on sale, some fabric strap for handles, sewing so simple even I could do it – and gave sets of them to family members. It kept gift costs down in a tough year and the bags are still going to the grocery 15 years later.

  65. FD*

    Cleaning experts of AAM–I’m hoping someone has a solution. I have a thermos I’m very fond of but unfortunately it currently smells rather powerfully of spoiled milk, even after several thorough scrubbings. I’d really rather not toss it out–is there any way to get the smell out?

    3. Mephyle*

      Try baking soda solution soaking overnight–or even 24 hours.
      I looked it up and the baking soda suggestion was on a wikihow web page for removing smells from a thermos. Other suggestions were bleach, and lemon juice (as separate remedies, not in combination). I would modify the bleach one by letting a mild bleach-and-soapy-water solution sit in the thermos for a considerable time.

    4. Merci Dee*

      You could also give Efferdent/denture cleaning tablets a try. They’re made to lift food particles from tight spaces, and they do a great job of deodorizing. They’re also amazing for cleaning your toilet.

    5. Penguin*

      If the inner flask is glass or plastic, you might try hydrogen peroxide (like you’d get at a pharmacy or grocery store- typically 3%). Fill the thermos and let it sit overnight, then rinse thoroughly with water.
      If the inner flask is metal, be careful- there is a chance that any dings in the metal might start to rust. (If it’s in great condition and I were in your shoes I’d probably try it anyway, but that’s me.)

      You might also try soaking/scrubbing with either ammonia or vinegar, those being the other all-purpose kitchen-grade cleaners no one’s mentioned yet. But be sure you rinse the thermos VERY thoroughly between using ammonia and bleach, if you opt to try both of those; you do NOT want to mix those in any way.

    6. FD*

      Thanks for all the tips, folks! I did try vinegar–my usual go-to solution. I’ll try baking soda. I generally would be uncomfortable with bleach. The denture cleaner sounds like a good idea as well!

    7. Earthwalker*

      My dad swears by half filling the bottle with water, adding diswasher soap, and shaking thoroughly, and then three rinses with small amounts of water shaken thoroughly. That works for my metal bottles when nothing else does. Glass ones sometimes get milk residue stuck between the rubber gasket and the glass liner and seem to need dismantling for cleaning.

    8. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      If you can leave it open in a sunny window for a few days that will also help. Usually I do baking soda in hot water, left overnight, but sometimes I do citric acid powder (like you use for removing limescale in kettles) and that works too.

  66. maybeTooSensitive*

    I just saw the new Murphy Brown. I liked it, mostly, but Corky’s hot flash while on live TV, the way that was written seemed… insensitive to me. Am I being too sensitive here?

    1. Lcsa99*

      I did think that scene was a little too much but I guess they didn’t have anywhere else to go with her storyline so they emphasized that.

      But I thought the rest was great and cant wait to see more with Murphy and all grown up Avery.

    2. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      Parts of the new Murphy made me cringe. Other parts had me rolling on the floor laughing. I don’t like reboots, but I’m looking forward to giving this one a second shot (and yes, they went pretty overboard with Corky’s hot flash).

  67. Waiting for the Sun*

    MUSIC THREAD!

    This week, let’s post our secret pleasures. Not guilty pleasures, because you don’t need to feel guilty here. :-)
    From the 1970s:
    The Night Chicago Died
    Popcorn (instrumental)
    Seasons in the Sun. Also the alternative chorus, “ We has joy, we had fun, streaking in the sun. But the cops, they had guns and they shot off both our buns.”
    Kung Fu Fighting
    More recent:
    Ice Ice Baby
    Butterfly – “Where’s my samurai?”

    2. Mephyle*

      One time earlier this year, my (adult) daughter were driving along listening to my usual oldies station and a Backstreet Boys song came on. We were surprised and amused to see how much we reacted to it emotionally (in a positive way). (She had been in middle school during their heyday and the era of their biggest hits.) We realized we had missed the BB! After we went to our respective homes, we each YouTube marathoned all their greatest hits.

    3. Utoh!*

      I have been overdosing on Sia, my two video favs are:

      Clap your hand
      Buttons

      She’s a complete who makes me laugh!

      Oh, and I’m 53…

    4. Lcsa99*

      Uptown Funk
      Any Tom Leherr but particularly Poisoning Pigeons in the Park
      Alanis Morissette You Oughta Know
      When a Man Loves a Woman (hopefully my husband won’t be too disillusioned reading this. Yes, I like Michael Bolton)

      I also love Popcorn. It makes me smile every time it comes on.

      1. SarahKay*

        I love Poisoning Pigeons in the Park. And back when I worked in retail, I always wished I had the nerve to sneak his A Christmas Carol into the endless Christmas music mix that would be played for the whole of December.
        Right now, Dr Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog is taking turns with the music from Nashville, mostly series 1 and 2.

    5. The Person from the Resume*

      I’ve ice baby is a guilty pleasure. Today it came on in my car and I sang along loudly while reflecting on awful lyrics but catchy tune it is.

    6. Chaordic One*

      Today I’ve been feeling nostalgic and listening to Jefferson Starship and Marty Balin. He wasn’t a great singer, but he was O.K. and he wrote some pleasant pop rock in the ’70s and ’80s. R.I.P., Marty.

    7. Twinkle*

      80s music is definitely my thing. My current playlist features:
      There must be an angel (playing with my heart)
      Sweet Dreams (are made of this)
      Maniac (flashdance version)
      The final countdown
      Bad medicine
      Livin’ on a prayer
      Jump (for my love)
      I’m so excited
      What I like about you
      Eye of the tiger
      We built this city
      Girls just wanna have fun
      Wake me up before you go-go

      I know lots of people who would think this tragic (my hubby included!) but I alternate these sounds for my alarm clock, which always ensures I wake up in a good mood :-)

    8. Red Reader*

      I am chronically incapable of walking in a straight line when the Cha Cha Slide comes on my earbuds, no matter how hard I try.

    9. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      Disco, sometimes. The world is an increasingly terrifying place. It needs happy music that’s so schmaltzy it could make you cringe.

      Probably along the same lines, 1970’s instrumentals. I’m running the Philadelphia Marathon this year, so have been playing the theme from Soul Train a lot. But pretty much all ’70s instrumentals are cool to me, including television news themes and Price Is Right music.

      High school band music, including (much to my wife’s chagrin) marches. I used to play the trombone. I loved playing trombone even if I hated the band itself.

      On a TOTALLY different note…anything metal. Yesterday I went in a record store and they were blasting Type O Negative. It was really cool to hear October Rust in its entirety for the first time since college.

    10. Kathenus*

      Sticking with the 70’s thread:

      Billy Don’t Be a Hero (Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods)
      Wham Bam Shang-a-lang (Silver)
      I Will Survive (Gloria Gaynor)
      Brand New Key (Melanie)
      American Pie (Don McLean)
      Magic (Pilot)
      Little Willy (Sweet)
      Wildfire (Michael Martin Murphey)
      Rock On (David Essex)
      Drift Away (Dobie Gray)
      The Lion Sleeps Tonight (Robert John)
      Life is a Rock (Reunion)

      I started listening to music in the early 70’s, my first album was K-Tel’s Believe in Music. I love 70’s bubblegum pop, and am in fact streaming it right now on my computer

    11. Middle School Teacher*

      ABBA is my guilty pleasure, and almost anything 90s. It’s hard to believe the 90s were 20 years ago, it feels like yesterday. I had free satellite radio in my car for a couple of weeks and I was listening to the 90s channels, and had several “there’s no way that song is THAT old” moments.

    12. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      Anything by Crowded House. My husband teases me for my easy listening taste but I love them (despite definitely being more rock/goth otherwise).

  68. Nervous Accountant*

    So I was driving and at a red light. A guy on a motorbike pulls up next to me. I usually ignore everyone but weathers nice today so I had my window open. I decided to look and smile politely, and dude says “ur driving too close to that steering wheel.. if the airbags go off it can cause damage”. Meanwhile…I’m short. How Tf am I supposed to be driving????

    1. Foreign Octopus*

      How kind of that man to give you advice that you did not ask for or want. What a swell gentleman he is.

      It’s not like you can get too far away from the steering wheel anyway. Smh.

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        Yes he was. I didn’t mean to imply he was rude or mean. But I was mystified bc how else do short people drive?

        1. Ender*

          I had a guy say that to me once. I pointed out that it’s the only way i can reach the pedals. He apparently had not made the connection between “short” and “short legs” and thought I was choosing to sit absurdly close for some reason.

          At least that was someone I knew though, not just a randomer on a bike. How weird.

          Also the idea of someone who drives a motorbike lecturing others about safety is hilarious. Half the guys on my brothers wheelchair basketball team are ex-bikers. 50% of bikers who die in accidents were doing nothing wrong and it was the other drivers fault. Bikes are just inherently really dangerous.

    4. University Anon*

      Agree that it was bizarre for a stranger to mention this to you at a stop light…but it actually is very dangerous to sit too close to the steering wheel, if the airbag deploys it has enough force to seriously injure and even kill the driver. The recommendation is to be at least 10″ away from the wheel/airbag. Options are to have the airbag disabled (not permissable everywhere) or have pedal extensions installed so that the driver can sit further back. Unfortunately pedal extensions are not cheap to have installed. It’s frustrating that this isn’t an option you can request when you buy a car – cars should be made to fit everyone, not just tall people!

      1. Ender*

        I never heard of this before! That’s nuts! I’ve also never heard of pedal extenders.

        I’m gonna measure how far I am from the steering wheel. I’m only 5’2” but I bet I’m more than 10” away 10” is very very close.

    5. TBX*

      Well, he’s not wrong (rude, perhaps, but not wrong).It is dangerous. You can fit pedal extenders to enable you to sit the recommended distance from the steering wheel and still reach.

    6. Jules the First*

      The airbag can be modified by your mechanic, or the steering wheel or pedals moved. Driving to close to an airbag is actually very dangerous – it can break your neck if it deploys. Please talk to your mechanic about alternatives!

    7. Dr. Anonymous*

      That’s odd. I actually looked it up and you only have to be 10” away, so not that many people ought to need pedal extenders.

    8. Jackie*

      The guy on the motorbike may have know someone who suffered a catastrophic injury because they were too close to the steering wheel and was just trying to be helpful. Google to find out the safest position for driving. There is a lot if info out there. It’s also now recommended for hands to be at 9 o’clock and 3 o’clock on the steering wheel, no more 10 and 2.

  69. LuJessMin*

    I am exhausted – spent nearly 8 hours on my feet today at a “Pumpkin Patch” sale hosted by my second favorite place in the world, the local glassblowing school. It’s a non-profit so this is one of their fundraisers. We sold a LOT of glass pumpkins today.

    Then Wednesday is our big fundraiser, a dinner and auction. It’s gonna be a long week.

    1. A different anonymous today*

      I know of a similar glass blowing school, I loved it and bought a few pumpkins there (only took one intro class, would love to go back…). Thanks for working their fundraiser…

  70. Ask a Manager* Post author

    Removed a couple of posts from the same person who keeps trying to post made-up stories here to mock mental illness, anxiety, service dogs, and more. Please cut it out.

    1. Melody Pond*

      How irritating! :(

      Do you have the ability to block said person based on their IP address? I know that might be kind of a nuclear option, but if this person has never once posted something legitimate/honest… I don’t know, my mother’s philosophy springs to mind: “If you’ve proven that you can’t handle the privilege, it will be taken away from you.”

    2. Jean (just Jean)*

      Thank you Alison! People need to learn that mental illness is real, involuntary, and no fun. Grrrr to this person. I wish them expanded understanding.

    3. Mimmy*

      Alison, I am continually awed by your ability to spot these kinds of posts. How do you do it?!

      Mental illness is nothing to laugh at :(

  71. Cherry*

    Woke up and my left big toe hurt. Like maybe I fractured it. Limping s lot. I’ve a sedentary lifestyle so don’t know why. Hope it’s not serious and goes away soon.

  72. Tig*

    Removed. This weird haircut post that keeps appearing periodically is from the same person making the other posts I mentioned. It’s fake. Please stop.

  73. So not using my real name for this*

    Road Trip Advice Please.

    My partner and I are going to drive from a small town in northern Iowa to Natcez MS and back soon. We will have a day or two to play tourist. We have two possible routes. Route 1 is to take 35 (along the MO and KS border. ) Route 2 is to take 380 to 218 to 61 to 55. (along the MO border with IL and TN).
    My partner is latino and I am skim milk white woman.
    We would love suggestions on what to visit or what to avoid or which route is better.

    1. Aurora Leigh*

      St. Louis has lots of fun attractions (the zoo is phenomenal!) but the traffic on the interstate can be terrible (I’m from a small town though so it’s probably just typical big city traffic).

      Garden of the Gods in southern IL is beautiful!

      There is lots of good camping in southern MO/IL too.

      The weather here (West Central IL) is starting that back and forth summer one day fall the next, so bring layers.

      1. So not using my real name for this*

        Thank you we are excited about this trip but also a little worried about traveling in unfamiliar areas right now.

    2. Anon From Here*

      American Gothic House! It’s a short side trip westbound on US-34 from US-218. Put this address in your GPS: 300 American Gothic St, Eldon, IA 52554

  74. Collection agency/ school loan help?*

    I have never been in collections on a debt before, but thanks to a series of unfortunate misunderstandings, I owe a fairly aggressive collection agency on my grad school loans.

    Side note – I’ve been badly bullied in my life and additionally was assaulted and nearly choked to death, and am recovering – early days – from being so conflict avoidant that I can’t hardly stand to be in a room with raised voices or any perception of anger.

    Bad legal advice when we had our bankruptcy 7 years ago, told they were included. (they weren’t).
    in 2015, I set up a side gig as a consultant and did a legal DBA notice with my name, and the collection agency found me. (note, the school always had my info through the alumni office).

    What was originally less than $25,000, I have now paid since 2016 $400 a month on….and the collection agency is now telling me I owe “almost” $50,000. I have offered to settle for $25,000 (help from Mom) because I’m eligible for social security and really want to move to working for myself, consulting, and not in my high stress job (and I need to care for mom soon). And I was left with a boatload of debt by husband (who just passed away).

    The collector is threatening – subpoena all my financial records, didn’t I get any life insurance money from deceased husband (he had cancer for over 25 years, not much but I’m paying off the $90K in business debt with what I did get), don’t I have any retirement funds? (not mine, I haven’t saved a nickel), etc. Aren’t we lying? Husband had said he was getting a big inheritance (he gambled it away by 2016). He actually put that in a letter (he was a pathological liar and would say anything to get someone off his back) so she wants to get a deposition from the attorney that hubby had write the letter on his behalf. (Hubby probably forged my signature there – he did on the retirement account withdrawals he gambled away).

    Advice? Can I ask for an amortization/ fee schedule and see how much I’m paying and where it is going? Can I ask for a request in writing? What do I need to watch for here? Is there a way I can (cost effectively) engage someone to legitimately help me?

    I have written to my school (very well known one), and asked them for help – saying that if they claw back the loan from collection I will pay them directly and am happy to negotiate, but that I think the tactics and fees here may not be appropriate. I doubt they will help, but I can’t think of what else to do.

    I’m kind of a babe in the woods here. And, every time someone gets “sharp” with me, I pull into myself and it takes me hours to recover. On top of some grief, it’s super difficult to figure out the right things to say and do.

    Apologies for posting this earlier in the wrong section of comments.

    1. Reba*

      Wow, that is a lot — I mean what you are dealing with in your life, not the amount of debt. Sending you good thoughts.

      It sounds like the collector may not be following the law. Look at the rules for debt collectors here https://www.usa.gov/debt and see if you have the makings of a complaint. Your state may also have other regulations. Even if it’s not to that level, it might be helpful just to know what’s in bounds for collectors. At a minimum it sounds like they are really keeping you in the dark and not sharing the information you need. Your questions/things you want to ask for are things you should already have. I’d proceed with a lot of caution.

      Look for free credit counseling in your state. The agency should also be able to guide you in how to work with the collector, or point you to other resources. Advice on credit counselors here https://www.consumerfinance.gov/ask-cfpb/what-is-credit-counseling-en-1451/

      1. neverjaunty*

        This this this. They are bullying you to scam you out of money. Legitimate debt collectors don’t act like this.

        Tell them “please send me all evidence of this supposed debt in writing. I will call you once I have received it.” Then hang up. And follow all of the links Reba provided.

          1. Plant Lady*

            Yes, and… Not only should you ONLY communicate with them in writing, send everything registered mail, return receipt requested. It costs more, it’s kind of a pain, but that way you will have evidence of what you sent, when you sent it, when they received it and who signed for it. I was once in a similar situation, and those mail receipts saved my butt.

    2. Nacho*

      Credit collectors don’t actually have a whole lot of tools they can use to force you to pay. That’s why they threaten you so much: it’s basically all they can do. They can hurt your credit score obviously, but it sounds like you have much bigger worries than that. There’s no such thing as debtor’s prison, and while they can go to court and force you to pay, we have a lot of laws saying they can’t leave you without enough money to live, or make you sell your house, or anything else that would force you into undue hardships. So let them sue you, and lose, and do whatever the court says, because that’s probably going to be the best, fairest plan you’re going to get.

    3. valentine*

      I’ve read often on here that there are loads of scams, including on settled debts, which, if you pay, resets the clock. Talk to a lawyer and a financial planner before doing anything else. Can you call the school directly or only correspond in writing? Can you get a repayment plan based on income/other debts? Are you sure the caller holds the debt? Write yourself a note about your plan/outcome, like “Do not agree to anything,” before you make a phone call. Get callback numbers and end received calls immediately, so you’re not forced to think/negotiate on your feet (especially literally). Insist on getting all plans in writing before signing/agreeing.

    4. BRR*

      Do a search for federal and state debt collector laws. There are a fair amount that are there to protect you. And if a collection agency gets sharp with you hang up on them.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Write/email your state attorney general. Find out of they have similar complaints coming in from other people. Hopefully someone from the AG’s office will call you and talk to you on the phone.

      1. Collection agency/ school loan help?*

        This was super helpful and CA was very kind and transparent. There has been a great sense of shame around this, and yes, the collector had bamboozled my husband into thinking she was his friend. She was not.

    7. Kuododi*

      Couple of things… first….my philosophy had always been anyone is welcome to sue DH and I for debt recovery…. can’t get blood from a stone;). Also, if I remember correctly, in the US one has the allowed to insist you not be contacted at work or at any other place that for you is a “nuisance.” Regarding medical bills, I was always told as long as I was paying something collections had to leave me alone. (Of course standard disclaimers apply…. I am not an attorney and any information here is from my age addled memory. Anyone with more accurate information feel free to clarify!) Blessings

      1. Kuododi*

        Oh good grief…post op pain!!!! “….one has to allow….”

        ***On another but related note…if the debt collectors lips are moving, they are likely lying. Always insist on documentation and it’s a good idea to email back and forth just to verify what was discussed, particularly if dealing with them in person is a bit overwhelming. Noone likes or wants to deal with bullies. Remember, these joker’s are more than likely working out of a boiler room half way across country. The only power they have over you is the power you give them. Best wishes!!!!

      2. all the candycorn*

        Re: Medical collections. Some states have a statute of limitations on how long a person may be billed after services are rendered.

        My parents and some of their friends ran into this in the late 90s when a lot of their doctors were transitioning to automatic billing software. They’d started getting bills auto-generated from the software due to billing mistakes, data input errors, etc., from doctors they hadn’t seen in 10 years or more.

        Turns out in their state, there’s a specific rule that says bills must be delivered within a timely fashion after the charge is incurred. I forget the exact number, but basically if someone doesn’t bill you in X amount of time, you don’t have to pay them.

    9. Collection agency/ school loan help?*

      Wanted to say thank you for all the help. This is a gracious and thoughtful group, and I’m so glad that each of you take the time to be supportive and help answer. I am reading and reading. Thank you…. just having the support helps!

    10. ThursdaysGeek*

      Not only will they lie, collection agencies will play very dirty. I tried to pay off the loan for my goddaughter. I got them to tell me the exact amount due, and sent a check for that amount. I wrote ‘final payment’ or something in the comment line on the check. By the time the check arrived, the amount due was a few cents more. So they didn’t deposit the check. Nor did they contact us for a couple of months. Then they called again and now the amount was more because of late fees. I rarely get angry, and didn’t raise my voice to the guy nor use any strong language, and he told me to calm down or he’d have to hang up. I did get it paid off, and did NOT give them access to my bank account (so they could pull out the money directly), but they were jerks.

  75. Loopy*

    PSA: there ARE people who don’t cook and have zero idea that you need to handle hot peppers with gloves. It’s been an absolutely miserable, excruciating lesson, folks. Apparently everyone else knew this but me? I was honestly sobbing in pain. Now that It’s under control (8 internet remedies, almost 2 hours ,and my future MIL coming to save me later) I’m feeling sheepish and wondering if anyone else has felt it and if it’s that painful or I was just caught off guard.

    Anyway… this soup better be delicious. I’m never going near a hot pepper again though.

    1. FD*

      I did not know that either and I cook most of my meals (but I’m spice-adverse hence why it didn’t come up). Sorry that happened!

      1. Loopy*

        I’m glad you saw this then! I’m spice/spicy adverse too but this was a recipe with a lot going on (biiiig batch of soup) and commenters said it wasn’t very spicy in the end so I decided to go outside my comfort zone.

        Definitely crawling right back in there now :P

        1. Reba*

          individual peppers also vary in heat, as well as the different varieties! OOF, I feel you. The worst was when I unthinkingly rubbed my eye/touched my eyelid while chopping.

          1. Loopy*

            This was two jalepenos. When I couldn’t get the seeds out I used my hands to help. Worst. Idea. Ever. If I had touched an eye I think I may have screamed until someone called the police!

        2. FD*

          I’m glad I saw this too! Strangely enough, someone in real life gave me a soup recipe with some Jalapenos in it, and from trying the finished product I know it isn’t that spicy, so I had wanted to attempt at some point. You probably saved me from having the exact same thing happened, and even for the same reason!

          I knew you had to be careful not to get the oil in your eyes or sensitive bits, but I thought it was more like how you don’t want to rub Icy Hot in your eyes, not that it would burn your regular skin.

    2. Wicked Witch of the West*

      Been there, done that. My sympathies. What I found worked best for lowering the fire on my hands was oil. Instead of washing with soap and water, I’d wash with salad oil.

      1. Loopy*

        I tried olive oil but the pain was so bad I was jumping from remedy to remedy. Now, a few hours later and literally 10-11 things, I actually have no idea which worked the best because I was so frantic. I tried: olive oil, vinegar, alcohol, milk, sugar, baking soda, dish soap, and aloe vera gel (aloe was the last thing after the worst was past).

        Now the pain is gone and the soup is glorious and looking back at my reaction I feel like a crazy person.

        1. The RO-Cat*

          IIRC capsaicin, the active ingredient, is soluble in fat, not water, so anything with fat will dilute it: oil, milk, yoghurt, cream. But you’d have to insist and repeat several times to feel th effect.

          1. Loopy*

            Ironically, I had all low fat versions of the few things I did have, namely milk. I had no yogurt or cream and had like, 1% milk, haha. Never occurred to me to used butter though.

      2. Mephyle*

        Milk!
        I know about peppers, I cook with hot peppers, but I still underestimate them sometimes.
        Have spent some evenings with my hands soaking in a dish of milk after preparing poblano peppers for chiles rellenos.

    3. Rebecca*

      I learned the hard way about grinding horseradish. The first time I did it, doors and windows closed, felt like I teargassed myself! Hope the pain goes away quickly :)

      1. Loopy*

        Pain was mostly gone about 90 minutes after, whew. I also had no idea about horseradish either.

        What other recipe ingredient may harm me in terrible ways????

      2. The RO-Cat*

        Whe I was about 9 or 10 I was wondering around my grandparent’s pantry and I saw a jar with something whitish inside. I poped the lid and took a deep whiff to smell what was inside. Turns out it was horseradish, ground, in vinegar. I felt the heat and pain in the back of my skull, on the inside. Learned the hard way to never-ever put my nose into unknown jars again.

        1. Rebecca*

          I use the method they taught us in science class in high school. Open, wave your hand over the top and take a gentle whiff…and yes, I learned the horseradish lesson too! I should have known not to grind the stuff in a closed room, but live and learn :)

    4. DietCokeHead*

      Oh no, I’m so sorry that happened to you! The same thing happened to me last weekend. I did know to wear gloves but we were out and I thought I would be OK. Nope, not so much. I hope the soup was good at least.

      1. Loopy*

        The soup is/was phenomenal so I’l have to be brave and LAYER the gloves to be extra safe next time I make it!

    5. nonegiven*

      I’m reminded of the guy on Usenet that cooked a frozen pizza after adding some jalapenos. After he ate it, he amused himself but he forgot to wash his hands first.

        1. Close Bracket*

          Yeah, wash your hands reeeeeeally well before you go to the bathroom. If you think they are already clean, wash them even more. That advice is not just for people with outies.

          Or wear gloves.

    6. The Other Dawn*

      Yup, happened to me a couple of times. I’ve recently been making a lot of fruit jelly with my homegrown jalapenos (which came out delicious!). I don’t use gloves, but I’m really careful about not touching the seeds–I usually use the tip of the knife to take them out. I dropped a piece of the insides of the pepper on the floor and picked it up with my bare fingers rather then using a paper towel. When I cleaned everything up a few minutes later, I just rinsed my hands since I didn’t touch the insides of the peppers (I forgot!). Then I rubbed my eye…big mistake! Luckily I didn’t rub much, but it stung and I felt it for about a half hour afterwards. My eyes were tearing for awhile.

      1. Loopy*

        I used my hands to help clear out the last of the stubborn seeds seeds AND then threw them all away, in my hands. I guess I definitely earned the pain!

    7. Lora*

      Also 1) nitrile gloves, not latex and 2) unless you are 100% confident it’s a straight up bell pepper, assume it’s a Carolina Reaper in disguise.

      Signed, the lady who found an odd strain of Aji peppers mislabeled as “cubanelle” the hard way.

    8. Mimmy*

      Yeouch!! I think my husband once touched his EYE after chopping hot green chili peppers. My husband also once had a batch sent to my sister’s house because my BIL loves hot peppers. Well, due to a comedy of errors the house was pretty much gassed, lol. Also, my BIL’s mouth was burning for a couple hours after eating one.

    9. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      My hands are insensitive to hot peppers (intact skin anyway) but I have done the accidental eye touch thing… I do dish soap after I chop and it seems to work.

      It’s good to remember (for me this works as a mental trick) that while hot peppers cause the *sensation* of burning no actual damage is done. Unlike an actual burn it won’t blister, scar, get infected, weep. The skin is perfectly fine. It’s a tactical version of an optical illusion. So it helps me (when I accidentally touch my eye) to say “this hurts but I am not being harmed and it will pass.”

    10. Prof_murph*

      Not interested in keeping gloves in the kitchen just for peppers. So I’ve been recycling ziplock bags to use in place of gloves.

    11. Overeducated*

      This happened to me in college. I forget how or why, but I touched my eyes, and then literally couldn’t open them and had to have a housemate guide my head to the sink and turn on the water. Truly pathetic. We still had to finish cooking dinner, but i remember spending the slow time before serving trying to stick my face in a bowl of milk. So my sympathy goes out to you, learning the hard way isn’t fun! Now I mostly only cook with jalapenos, so instead of gloves I wash my hands with soap immediately after chopping and haven’t had problems.

    12. The Original Stellaaaaa*

      I have a friend who used to work in a Mexican restaurant. He’s told me a lot of stories about rubbing his eyes and…going to the bathroom…without washing his hands first.

    13. Falling Diphthong*

      I never cook with anything hotter than poblano because the airborne oil hits my nasal passages and then it feels like my nose is trying to burn off my face. I also find the oil can stay on my hands through multiple hand washings and washing my hair in the shower.

    14. ThursdaysGeek*

      Yup, I learned that one. I wore contacts at the time and when I took them out, I decided to throw them away – no -way was that going back in my eye!

      I plan on making hot pepper jam and I have ghost peppers and reapers in the freezer. I use gloves, but having the fan going and windows open isn’t enough – I’m going to buy one of those N95 masks for the next time.

  76. Merci Dee*

    Great Saturday, but I am tired!!

    My daughter is turning 14 tomorrow. As part of her birthday celebration, I invited her best friend over to spend last night with us, and then the three of us went to the fair today with free tickets I got through work for “employee appreciation”. We had a blast, but it was hot as freaking fire out there. Daughter and I have toasty cheeks, and she also has toasty shoulders since I totally forgot the sun screen. Her friend didn’t get pink at all.

    We’re set for a low-key lunch out with my parents, and they’re giving her cash for her birthday gift. She’s building up a respectable stash because she takes time to think about her purchases and usually decides the latest new thing isn’t worth spending her money on. It makes my little accountant heart proud.

    If I weren’t so tired from the sleep over and the fair, I’d stay up until 12:29 tonight just so I could wake her up and tell her happy birthday at the time she was actually born. Not tonight…. but I totally plan to annoy her with that when she gets older and moves out of the house. :)

  77. That's Not My Job*

    Would love some perspective if anyone’s around.

    In the process of checking if I have everything for my trip (which I leave for in four days) I realized my birth control pills will run out the day I return. My usual process is to call it into the pharmacy and pick it up a day or two later so I knew I wouldn’t have enough time if I waited until I came back. I called the pharmacy and they informed me I was out of refills so I’d need to call my doctor’s office and have them send a new prescription. The usual process here is I ask the pharmacy for a refill, they inform me I’m out so I’ll need to allow extra time for them to call my doctor and then they do and my doctor signs off on one or two months of refills to give me a deadline to come in for a check up before I get the rest prescribed. For this purpose the pharmacy told me if they tried to call, my doctor wouldn’t know it was urgent and probably wouldn’t get back to them until I was gone. So I call my doctor’s office. This is a doctor I’ve had for a year or so now, and saw last week for an ankle issue where I also started to tell him something I was concerned about (and had talked about at the time I booked the appointment and also to the nurse who checked me in) and he cut me off and said they don’t do “add-ons” here. Anyway, the nurse I talked to said she’d ask him to write me a refill prescription and call me when it was sent. Instead she called to say that after reviewing my file, the doctor says he won’t give me a refill until I come in (I assume for a check up but it wasn’t actually specified). So now I have an appointment for two days before I leave squeezed into my schedule to go… Get checked out I guess? Make sure the medication I’ve been taking for years hasn’t suddenly caused me problems?

    I’m feeling really hurt and dismissed by this and I’d like some perspective. I think I was already feeling a little hurt by the “add-ons” thing so maybe I’m overreacting to a normal inconvenience of the American health care system? I’ve already cried once from the stress today, I don’t need to be crying in a doctor’s office when I should be packing.

    1. Reba*

      I’d change doctors. The “add ons” dismissal is unconscionable. I wouldn’t be hurt, I’d be pissed.

      You could make some calls to see if you could get seen at a Gyn or Planned parenthood or other clinic this week. (In my area PP has an online scheduler.)

      I hope your trip is great.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        I would change doctors. But after you get back, because you need birth control renewed asap and should be practical around that short-term constraint.

        If needed, Planned Parenthood can be a good resource for a birth control prescription while you are finding a new primary.

    2. BRR*

      Your doctor sounds like a jerk. I’ve had some doctors where it feels like they’re trying to squeeze every penny out of you and this feels like that type. I’d look for a new doctor after this (and probabaly leave a bad yelp review).

    3. Never*

      I’d get a new doctor. All I have to do to renew my prescription is log into the online system and hit “request refill.” The doctor approves it. It gets sent to the pharmacy. Max 1 day later, it’s processed. If I still have refills left, they get filled automatically.

    4. Book Lover*

      I was going to say I don’t do refills if I haven’t seen a patient in the last year, but I see that you just had seen your doc :(. That sucks, especially as ocp should really be over the counter anyhow. I agree that you could probably get a refill via PP and that might be less frustrating.

    5. The New Wanderer*

      I have to agree – new doctor. Every doctor I’ve seen has always asked me if I have any other questions at the end of a visit. Even when they seem pressed for time, I’ve never felt like I couldn’t ask something else. Also, it doesn’t sound like this is a dedicated ObGyn if you saw him about an ankle problem? I would consider a women’s health clinic for future appts. I know when I delay getting my annual appointment set up and they don’t have anything available for a month or so, they will grant me an extension on my BC prescription so I don’t run out in the meantime.

    6. Tema*

      Definitely not normal. Every primary care doctor I’ve had has been willing to talk about multiple issues per appointment, and as long as I’ve been in recently, even on unrelated matter, continued my meds, and will have asked me about the meds when I was there on an unrelated matter. Hope your stress eases and you find a kinder doctor soon!

      1. MatKnifeNinja*

        My primary care doctor says same day appointments only cover THAT emergent issue.

        If you need a same day appointment for a rolled ankle, that is all they will discuss (unless an absolute emergency pops up during the visit). The doctor wrote down blood pressure meds, birth control pills etc, but will not refill them without another appointment to go over all of them.

        The rolled ankle appointment doesn’t count as a yearly let’s review what’s going on with your health/medications. The same day appointments are 10 minutes long. The others are 20-30+ minutes long.

        One reason is scheduling. Too many people wanted same day, then would go over time to address other non emergency issues. Other reason was people wanting same day for a sore throat, then hitting up the doctors for pain meds. Esprcially when the new laws governing medications like Oxy went into affect.

        I live in a metro area, and this is how 80% of the GPs roll around here. You might find an much older doctor that has his own office do the I’m happy to talk about other stuff, but that’s really hard to find now.

        My GP does no gyn care AT ALL. I can’t remember the last time I had a GP do a pelvic exam on me. That all gets referred out to the OB/GYNs. He will not renew those scripts, either.

        The only difference between me and you, is I know this all up front.

        I used to go to Planned Parenthood for birthcontrol. I really liked them. The pills were so much cheaper, and I’d walk out with a 6 month supply.

        You gotta remember, that the doctor is covering his ass too. You say you have no issues with the pills. He fills the script, and you throw a blood clot. He gets grilled why he prescribed medication without seeing the patient for that issue. “Well, I did see her for strep throat (pick an illness). ” The lawyers will run long and hard with that. I get a zillion women get bcps renewed with no face to face and nothing happens. This guy wants zero change of being charged negligence. He’s not losing his license over a bcps.

        The only thing my GP will renew without a face to face are my EpiPens.

        Hope your trip goes well.

    7. misspiggy*

      I get the same with the pill (in the UK) because they periodically need to check that your blood pressure hasn’t got too high to make taking the pill risky. That system, while annoying, has actually rescued me from being on a type of pill where I had a high risk of blood clots.

      It might be that your doctor, on being asked to renew, realised there hadn’t been a check for a while and went, oops, better insist she comes in.

      2. Lcsa99*

        While this makes sense (i has to change my bc when my blood pressure sky rocketed) I assume he would have checked it when she was there for her ankle thing last freaking week. It wouldn’t change that fast, he is just trying to squeeze more money out of her. I agree completely that she needs a new doctor immediately.

      3. Dear liza dear liza*

        My doctor would do this too, but when the next refill was soon, the office had no problem with a one month refill and me coming in a few weeks later. This office seems to be about their rules and their convenience rather than about working WITH patients.

    8. Rebecca*

      Chiming in – get a new doctor. My physician’s group (associated with a large hospital here) has always asked me “is there anything else?” before I leave. I’ve been going to them for over 30 years now. They don’t call it an “add on”, it’s good patient care. I think sometimes when you actually get there for a checkup, there are things that can come up between the time you make the appointment and the actual appointment, which can be weeks if not months, so when are you supposed to bring it up? Weeks or months more down the road?

    9. Ender*

      Have you had your BP checked at the docs in the last year? If so tell them to check in their records and ask if they can issue the repeat prescription on that basis.

      Where I live you have to get your blood pressure checked once a year to get a repeat pill prescription. It’s not the doc being mean it’s a requirement for the sake of your health because being on the pill can cause various problems and blood pressure issues can be an early warning sign. The nurse can do it here though so it only costs €20 for the BP check and €20 for the repeat prescription, and you can get another repeat prescription 6 months later for another €20 without a BP check.

      Also it sounds to me like “add-ons” is what this doc calls repeat prescriptions. If the doc doesn’t do repeat prescriptions at all, maybe it’s not the best doc for you long-term. So I think you should clarify those rules with the doc when you go in.

      1. Ender*

        Oh I just reread the comment and I had misread it at first. He refused to listen to a second query when you were already sitting in his office! That’s way out of line, esp since you had mentioned it when you booked in.

        Joining the chorus of get a new doctor.

    10. kc89*

      sounds typical of the us health system to me tbh

      If there’s a prescription that you really really don’t want to be without I would try and get an extra months worth to have as back up, because it can take weeks to get refills sometimes

      1. MatKnifeNinja*

        I live in Metro Detroit. It is really common for the doctor to cut you off during a same day appointment. My allergist does it. My GP does it. My GYN has done it to me. The local ER does it.

        Same day means the office is getting you in for ONE concern. Sometimes you roll in for asthma, and they have to address your sky high blood pressure. They won’t address your contact dermatitis or your GERD.

        My internist friend’s group practice was is now in a partnership with a hospital corporation. Part of the deal is is limiting by how much time he can spend with the patient based on acuity and reason for visit. Electronic records time stamp everything, and corporate wants to know why a rolled ankle burned up 45 minutes worth of time, when he wasn’t waiting on diagnostic results.

        My friend sits for bimonthly meeting and one part is how many butts are going in and out of the exam rooms. If you are much slower than your colleagues, you have to justify why. Sometimes you were hammer by a bunch of geriatric patients with multiple issues. Or psychiatric patients with multiple medical issues.

        While the particular doctor mention might be a jerk, my friend’s hands are sort of tied. He’ll take a bullet for an 80 year old with multiple issues from his colleagues. A strep throat and asking about refilling maintenance meds he hasn’t really discussed, he won’t.

    11. That's Not My Job*

      Wow thanks for the support everyone, I guess my husband was right about my doctor being a jerk. I was so relieved when this one told me my previous doctor was wrong (she decided even though I have never had high BP in her office that since the eye doctor thought I might have it she better prescribe me BP meds and lecture me about my weight) that I didn’t consider there might be better out there.

      When I get back I’ll look into getting a new doctor. I’ll admit to not really knowing what kind of doctor I should have, growing up I only had naturopathic doctors that were willing to talk my mother into keeping my immunization up to date but also gave me advice like “you’re going to get diabetes if you don’t start only eating things they ate 100 years ago” whatever that means.

      1. Ali G*

        Is this current doc an OB/gynecologist or just a regular doc? If you aren’t seeing an OB for your birth control, you really should. Most docs won’t renew a BC prescription if you haven’t had a pelvic exam in the last 12 months.

        1. That's Not My Job*

          He is family practice. I think what I should do is keep this clinic but get a different doctor to keep as my GP. Then find a gynecologist somewhere. I just loathe finding new doctors because calling up and asking “who’s your least fatphobic?” is a little too blunt for me.

      2. MatKnifeNinja*

        Get a general practice/family practice, and a OB/GYN. Where I live, most GP will not do pelvic exams.

        When you call, ask about same day vs return maintenance visit vs annual visit. This way you know what you to expect. My GP drops everyone who hasn’t been in for one calendar year. That’s pretty common for my area. Haven’t seen him in a year? You are considered a new patient.

        Also be prepared to wait. I called 10 internists/GPs/family practice offices this past month. All had over a two month wait for new patients. Don’t burn your bridge with your current doctor until you get refills on you bcp.

        Find a doctor that isn’t a employee of a hospital or in a partnership with a health care corporation. Many GPs now are working for health corporations by me. That means the corporation runs the business, not the doctors. They are the ones saying 10 mins for same day appointments.

        There is a trade off for a doctor who takes his time. You maybe waiting for a looooong time in the waiting room. My allergist doesn’t triple book, but your 10 am appointment may really be 12 pm.

        Figure out what is a really important to you and ask questions.

    12. all the candycorn*

      My doctor’s office has a policy about “add-ons” because apparently, some of the insurance providers in our state have rules about how many issues can be coded/billed for in a particular visit.

      However, they have a sign at clinic check in, a letter explaining it on the patient intake clipboard, and should it come up during the visit, the doctor will tell you which issues are eligible to be billed together and which ones have to be billed as separate appointments. The way they do it, I don’t feel brushed off or insulted, I am instead thankful that they’re preventing me an argument with my insurance company and a giant surprise bill.

    13. LilySparrow*

      They are taking normal by-the-book requirements and being unnecessarily rigid about them. Please try not to take it personally or let it get you down. Insurers do change the rules on billing from time to time, and some doctors’ practices struggle to get all their services reimbursed properly.

      They shouldn’t let that interfere with treating their patients well, but sometimes they do.

  78. Lady Kelvin*

    SO we invited by BIL to live with us for a few (~3) months after he graduated high school because he doesn’t want to go to college and his parents are retired and not planning on having a settled house for a while. Well now he is here, and we’ve laid some ground rules, and I’m miserable. It was by far the worst mistake I have ever made. I’m pregnant and he just informed us that he wants to stay for 6 months. Baby is due in 4. I don’t want him here when the baby comes. We are seriously subsidizing his stay, he’s paying us about 1/3 of the rent we’d charge a real roommate and asking him to pay 1/3 of the groceries, we’re covering everything else. He’s supposed to find a job but has only applied to a few places and had no hits. He just watches youtube or plays video games all day and so I don’t have a house anymore that’s mine. We asked him to take care of the dishes as we split chores and I do all the cooking, so he can do all the dishes, and we told him that we expected them to be done every day. We have a dishwasher so really it is just a few pots and pans that need hand washed, it takes ~15 minutes if you do it daily. We also told him that we aren’t reminding him to do them, he has to do them automatically. He hasn’t done them in 3 days and I don’t want to nag so I’m super angry that he’s not doing his part. Also, he never says thank you. It drives me crazy, my husband and I always thank each other for doing things like making dinner, cleaning up, etc., even if it is our chores, but I have not heard him say thanks once, not even for making dinner. I don’t want him here but I feel like I agreed to this and have no choice. Sorry for the rant but I have no one I can talk to. I hope he finds a job quickly and is out of the house more. Maybe it’ll be manageable then, but I hate not being able to just have conversations in my house with my husband because I have to be careful what I say around my BIL.

    In other news, our 20 week ultrasound was yesterday. We’re having a boy! I had a slight preference for a girl but we are both super excited. It was a very emotional afternoon and it sucks that I can’t talk about it at home because we are keeping the sex a secret. Bah I feel like an outcast in my own home.

    1. valentine*

      It’s always okay to change your mind about your own space, but you can frame it as the consequence for BIL not holding up his end. You gave him a minimum to do and he’s refusing. You shouldn’t have to nag. I hope you’ll kick him out now, giving him only whatever time your locality demands. Don’t worry about where he’ll go. Don’t take on his troubles. There’s no good reason you can’t enjoy your pregnancy/family/space with just your husband. Definitely start now, with the goal (don’t tell hubby, if he’ll cave) of having him out as far ahead of the due date as possible. (And I hope you can trust hubby not to let him back while you are birthing.) If your terms aren’t in writing, start making notes about who said what, when, & list any emails you may have sent to friends about all this, any details you have, in case you have to go to court over it. Would your in-laws back you and tell him to leave you be?

    2. Quandong*

      This sounds incredibly annoying and I’m sorry your BIL isn’t fulfilling the responsibilities he agreed upon when he moved in.

      It sounds like you feel powerless to change the plan and are worried that BIL will just…end up staying indefinitely while acting like a particularly aggravating teenage guest.

      Please talk with your husband about it! It’s incredibly reasonable to need to check in with how things are going and to reconsider if the arrangement will work for you. You have the right to change your mind, to set limits on BIL’s stay, and to require him to step up or find another place to live.

      Clearly BIL is very happy with the status quo and you can’t depend on him to suddenly develop into a considerate adult person. Your husband needs to step up and support you, and to communicate to BIL that he needs to lift his game.

      If you haven’t already visited Captain Awkward’s blog, she has fantastic advice for setting boundaries with family members, and the comments are great. You might find some of these particularly useful if looking for scripts for talking with your husband and BIL:

      https://captainawkward.com/2015/09/25/752-my-roommate-is-acting-like-my-teenaged-son/#more-8257
      https://captainawkward.com/2018/02/21/1081-breaking-up-with-a-roommate/
      https://captainawkward.com/2014/04/24/564-im-dreading-the-prospect-of-a-summer-houseguest-but-i-feel-like-i-cant-say-no/

    3. Washi*

      Ugh, that sucks, and tbh, it doesn’t sounds like your BIL is the type of person who will ever leave your house voluntarily. And if he’s not doing anything productive with his time (going to school, actively looking for jobs) it may be a kindness in the long run to not let him vegetate in your house forever. So if you are probably going to have to kick him out at some point anyway, when would you like that to be? In 1 month? 3 months? I would set a date, give plenty of reminders, and then hold firm with your husband when that date comes. There are several letters in the Captain Awkward archives about overstaying houseguests/mooches, and they are the stuff of my nightmares – maybe read#930 and #1081 or ask your husband to if he seems more complacent about the situation.

    4. Coyote*

      So sorry you’re dealing with this. I’m just going to echo another poster and say that it’s okay for you to change the stipulations of the deal. My mom and dad had a similar situation where they allowed a displaced aunt (fired from her job and had to leave city) to move in for a few months until she could get back on her feet and it turned into a few years. It was almost an identical situation, but sub video games for reading, and it nearly broke up their marriage. 58 years old and spent almost 5 years moping around the house while everyone catered to her every need while silently resenting her.

      Nip this one while it’s still fresh and get your sanity back.

    5. Aphrodite*

      Get him out in the next month for several reasons. Depending on your state’s laws he may, after a certain period of time, become much more difficult to remove legally. Plus, just reading your post makes it obvious to me that he has no intention of ever helping out, of paying (I’d bet he won’t pay after the first month or two), or of doing anything. He may have friends over; he may get into drugs or alcohol. At the very least, he is going to get worse just doing what he is doing now.

      You AND your husband have to be united on this and you have to take action NOW. Don’t worry about going back on your word; you need to protect yourselves first and foremost, especially with the baby coming. Don’t underestimate the potential mess ahead if you let this slide. Get him out and never let him back in again even if it’s that or the streets.

    6. AnnaC*

      You feel like you have no choice, but you do. You absolutely do. You agreed to a certain time frame with specific conditions. He is not fulfilling those conditions, and unilaterally seeking to extend the time. You can – and should – refuse. You do not have to just let him ride roughshod over your lives. You can make him leave!

      Talk to your husband, get really clear on your joint position (whether that’s that he has to leave now – or after whatever notice period is required – or at the end of the original agreed time), and then tell him that (your husband should be the one to deliver it as it’s his brother). Be clear, direct and firm. And then hold that line, together.

      Congratulations on the baby!

      1. stellaaaaa*

        I agree. No free internet is a great way to get someone like this motivated enough to find their own place.

      2. Falling Diphthong*

        Ha!

        Echoing others: Even if he were holding up his end, it would be okay to say that now that you’ve tried X in practice it isn’t working and give him a generous deadline (like 1-4 weeks) in which he had to move out. He ISN’T holding up his end, and no, it’s not okay for him to insist you be his new mom and nag him about stuff or else how can he possibly be expected to figure out dishwashing.

        One of the keys to maturing is that the consequences of your actions fall on you. It’s okay to treat Mr Newly Minted Adult as an adult in this regard, because roommates who are not related to him aren’t going to be any more understanding about whether he does his share of the chores and pays his share of the rent.

    8. Rebecca*

      So he’s 18-19 years old? Time to sit down with him and go over the rules again. If you have to, write them down, and state, “this is what is expected of you while you are living here for the next 3 months”. 3. Not 6, we agreed to 3. If he’s watching YouTube all day, I would think that requires internet access? Time for parental controls (yes, I know you’re not his parents, but still – he needs to be looking for a job, not watching videos). And no video games unless the chores are done! And I agree with the other posters – don’t wait because you may have to legally evict him, and you don’t want to do that while bringing home a new baby, etc. You don’t need that extra stress.

      Make sure he has an “end date” and make him stick to it. He can get a job and save money for first and last month’s rent and a security deposit, and then hopefully find a place and keep working to maintain himself. But this is Not. Your. Problem. It is his problem. Just remember that.

    9. Loopy*

      This pains me to read, in that I totally value having my own home and space and this sounds really miserable to me. That being said, I also have zero tolerance for people like this BIL. I watched a friend go through this for longer with her own brother and it was hard to hold my tongue.

      Having watched it play out, I agree without others, get with husband and get firm. It’s so not okay for him to just decide to stay more time, period- but with a baby on the way it’s selfish and childish especially paired with the little effort and immature behavior. It’s not acceptable and I’m pretty angry for you. Take back your house! You should be able to focus on baby and the future and not taking care BIL!!! My friend was so much freer and lighter when her brother moved out (and she did have to be very very very firm and be seen as “the bad guy” even after almost a YEAR). She was so happy to have her home be hers again.

    10. UtOh!*

      Your BIL is not in control here, you and your husband are. That he informed you that he wants to stay for 6 months instead of the agreed up on 3 is a huge red flag that he’s just ignoring the inevitable. I agree with the limiting the wifi and cable access stat, and sitting down with him to come up with a plan for his finding a job and moving out. As of right now, because no one is forcing his hand, he’s going to keep doing nothing. Life is freaking hard, people are not going to keep coming along and catering to him and his needs, so the sooner he learns this, the better.

      1. WellRed*

        All of this. You didn’t agree to the situation you are now in. Prioritize your child, not this man baby, limit wifi and tell him no extension. If you can’t do that, soothe your screeching infant near him at all times.

    11. Aurora Leigh*

      That sounds so tough! Especially the bit where he just told you he wants to stay longer, instead of asking.

      But I remember being 18 and being expected to know what I was wanted to with my life post high school and it was HARD. I went to college partly to buy myself another 4 years to figure stuff out.

      Your BIL may feel similarly overwhelmed (this does not excuse being jerkish to you). I think it would be kindness though if your husband (his brother?) would set him down and help him make a plan for the next 3 months. Where could he be applying for jobs? What is he qualified to do? Are there any certifications he could get at a local community college that would help? Where are places he could releastically afford to rent on a (probably) minimum wage (probably) part time paycheck? Does he have money for moving expenses (deposit, first month’s rent, etc.) Does he need to be reaching out to old friends about a roommate situation? Is he interested in joining the military?

      Maybe he should already know this stuff, but honestly, I didn’t at 18.

      I also think your husband should speak to him about the dishes situation and the thank you thing. A reminder of the house rules wouldn’t hurt. He may think if you’re not saying anything you don’t really care.

    12. LilySparrow*

      You are always free to say, “actually this isn’t working out and I don’t want to do this anymore.”

      Always.

  79. Laura H.*

    Look up Actors From The London Stage. Five British Actors do all the roles in a Shakespeare play. They tour universities and do workshops and stuff with the students and multiple performances of the play for that cycle. Just got back from their performance this year of Hamlet and it was so good.

    There are only five actors- so it’s super fun when they have multiple characters they’re playing in the same scene.

    2. nep*

      Wow that sounds amazing. Imagine what goes into preparing for that. Going to look them up. Thanks for sharing.

  80. Coyote*

    This is a long one, y’all. Sorry.

    Narcissistic mom has ticked off my sister and her husband and I’d like to know if the situation is as bad as my sister says, or not as serious as my mom says.

    My sister “Kathy” and her husband “Aaron” have a 5-yr-old daughter “Melissa”. Kathy and her husband work in the same field and often have different shifts, so our mom “Barbara” pitches in and watches Melissa as needed and the two are very close. Barbara owns her own restaurant and works there full-time but will adjust her schedule so she can care for Melissa’s needs at the drop of a hat. Melissa is very intelligent and has quite a large vocabulary for her age, but understands while the adults will use adult language at home we never use it in public.

    Tonight Kathy was in the back room of our mom’s restaurant sitting near other patrons and having dinner with some friends. Barbara wasn’t working and was socializing with my youngest sister “Kim” and her friend “Sam” near the front of the place. Sam is known for his filthy mouth and shock factor but Kathy felt safe with him being around Melissa because he’s never done anything inappropriate while she was around. Melissa ran to Barbara’s table to see her grandma and over the course of conversation Sam tells Melissa to go say the F word to her mom but he says the entire word. Melissa runs to the back and tells her mom out loud to the group that Sam said the F word, but she called it “the F word” and not the entire thing. Kathy tells Melissa that’s inappropriate and not to say it again. Melissa returns to the front of the restaurant and is called over to the table by grandma Barbara. While Melissa talks to Barbara, Sam leans down and says “Hey Melissa, go tell your mom she’s a (c-word)” and says the entire word. Melissa bolts to the back and loudly exclaims to the entire back room word-for-word what Sam told her to. Kathy is mortified and the entire room is shocked. She walks to the front to see her mom Barbara and sister Kim sitting at the table with Sam, smirking and waiting to see her reaction.

    Kathy scolds the table and Barbara immediately throws her hands up in the air and proclaims her innocence that she was in the bathroom the entire time and had just sat down. Barbara said she didn’t see what had happened and it was inappropriate to scold her own mother for something she didn’t do especially after all she does for Kathy. Barbara starts gaslighting Kathy and saying it didn’t happent the way she said it did and that she’s tired and worked all day and isn’t going to deal with it. Kathy was certain that her mom knew what happened and was devastated that she didn’t try to stop it or tell Sam his behavior was inappropriate. Kathy takes Melissa home and remotely pulls the surveillance videos. She sees Sam lean down to Melissa and say something and sees Barbara roar with laughter and clap her hands while Melissa runs off to the back. Kim is sitting with her back to the camera so her reaction isn’t seen.

    Kathy tries to confront Barbara about her blatant lies and having video proof but Barbara won’t answer her phone. She calls Kim who defends her mom and says the only reason why she lied was to get out of a confrontation and that Kathy is blowing the entire thing out of proportion. Kim said after Kathy’s group left she walked to the back and apologized to the other patrons for the scene that happened and that everything was fine. She later told Kathy on the phone that Barbara does a lot for her and that she needed to let it go and drop it because Barabara does more for Kathy than Kathy does for Barbara. Barbara has still refused to admit that she allowed the situation to happen instead of stopping it and blamed Kathy for allowing her kid to be up front with them and not in the back with her mom. Kathy’s husband Aaron is furious and is going to confront the entire family tomorrow. Kim called me and when I asked why she didn’t stop Melissa from going to the back and yelling the word she admitted she didn’t think the kid would do it in the first place, even though Melissa has never heard that word before and doesn’t know what it means. Kathy is threatening to go no-contact if Barbara won’t admit her hand in the deal.

    Is this serious enough for no contact or is it being blown out of proportion?

    There’s a LOT of toxicity in my family and a long history of issues between Barbara and Kathy. Barbara is a pathological liar that goes unchecked because she will gaslight you down until you’re exhausted and just admit that she’s been right the entire time.

    1. Vic tower*

      I think that was unacceptable on your mother’s part. Really disrespectful to allow/encourage/be amused by the thought of a five year old being used to insult her own mother (especially as it’s her granddaughter and daughter involved). Frankly, I would not be comfortable leaving my child in that woman’s care anyway. But that is the key question here. Of course Kathy and Aaron are completely justified in pursuing this, and an apology. However, they should realise before starting anything that a reasonably likely outcome is a significant rift, and that Barbara may refuse to continue babysitting in future. If that would have a huge impact on the family, and Kathy is unwilling to accept that outcome, then she needs to think this through to the end.

      1. misspiggy*

        Perfect answer. And, this is all so messed up. Why wasn’t Kim apologising? Why do any of these people think this is funny?

      2. Loopy*

        I’d be livid. I absolutely think Kathy is right to be as upset as she is, especially after seeing the blatant lies via footage and the reaction of delight. And I’m really thinking of the poor kid in the middle of all this! She has no idea about the complex dynamics going on, the connotation of those words and is just being used for amusement in a way that could be really hurtful to her. If she repeats that language or story elsewhere (especially without mom to intervene) it could be really concerning in terms of other adults’ reactions, namely shock and concern, and she probably would end up being quite confused and/or upset.

        I hope Kathy can stick to this despite the difficulty of the logistics. I don’t think she’s wrong or overreacting to be extremely upset.

    2. Waiting for the Sun*

      Kim, Sam, and your mom all behaved terribly here. I wouldn’t want to patronize a restaurant where other customers are audibly teaching children profanity. If I discovered the child’s grandmother/restaurant owner was involved I’d never go back.
      Your sister and BIL are right to be hurt and angry. I’m afraid they need to make other childcare arrangements.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          That’s the part that bothers me the most–it’s weaponizing a 5-year-old because she’s too naive to realize how she’s being used.

          So I would not be okay with any of the people who thought this was fine–Sam, sure. Kim, for not jumping on Sam. If Barbara had really been in the bathroom and was throwing her hands up, okay, but laughing and encouraging her innocent granddaughter being used like this because, hey, it would get Kathy’s goat and that trumps any quibbles about weaponizing the kid–I think going no contact for a while might be good for Kathy and Aaron. It means they need to find some other childcare, that won’t be as free and flexible, and that aspect is going to be annoying–but this is always an aspect of free childcare, that either you go along with whatever Free Childcare wants or you pay for someone who will do it your way.

          I’m also giving Barbara major side-eye for lying when Kathy remotely pulling surveillance was a known risk. Kathy should consider this: Barbara will lie to Kathy about stuff directly involving Melissa whenever Barbara thinks the truth might be a bit uncomfortable. That’s not a desirable quality in someone with control of your child, even if they provide free babysitting.

    3. Thursday Next*

      TBH it wasn’t a great idea to confront Barbara in the restaurant. I’m not surprised she doubled down in front of other members of your family and possibly customers at the business she owns. And it wouldn’t have been good for Melissa to witness all this.

      I think Kathy needs to think about what she needs from Barbara. A promise not to do it again? An apology? The willingness to hear Kathy out?

      Also to consider whether she can do without Barbara’s babysitting, because that’s the sword she’s holding over Kathy’s head.

      FWIW kids that age can be taught about house rules vs. grandma’s rules, or kids’ rules vs adults’ rules. But I realize this is less about the swearing than the history of the relationship.

    4. The Cosmic Avenger*

      I think if anything it’s being played down.

      The gaslighting and lying are IMO huge breaches of trust, and I would just go no contact with Barbara and Kim. But more importantly, expecting an apology from a narcissist is pointless. It will only happen if it will get the narcissist what they want, so holding out for an apology is basically just offering the narcissist a way to control and manipulate you to get what they want — the apology means nothing to them other than a means to an end.

      1. fposte*

        But if the threat to go no contact is being made directly to Barbara, that’s not a good move either, and I don’t think there’s much point in Aaron coming in to confront people.

        This is who these people are, and they think that’s fine. There’s not much point in confronting them or threatening them, and it just amps up the drama without getting a result. Time to detach and to find Melissa daycare, and if Barbara misses her grandkid, she can handle the labor of reaching out and apologizing.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Bees sting. It’s a given, we all know this.
      Mom in this story manipulates, lies, etc. It’s a given, you guys seem to all know that.

      If you mess with bees you will probably get stung.
      If you hang out with mom you will probably be manipulated, lied to and so on.

      Don’t mess with bees unless you are okay with being stung.
      Don’t hang out with mom unless you are okay with lots of drama and lots of wasted time.

      I am pretty concerned that the parents feel it is okay to leave their child with this person. I think that is a huge lapse in judgement. They are allowing their kid to play with the beehive.

      Next step. Mom gets her power because the couple “owes” her. The way to destroy that power is to find other care for their child. NO. I do not mean YOU. There are options out there and they will need to sort that out themselves.

      I do not feel that Kathy is overreacting to the situation. I do feel that she should know by now how her mother is and make a real plan for what she will do going forward.

      I am biased. I grew up around a manipulative, self-centered woman. There is no way I would ever leave kids with her. EVER. For one thing they would get all the wrong ideas about how life works and those ideas will encumber them for decades.

      I don’t see any problem with no/low contact. If Kathy does not put her foot down, the next incident will be worse than this. Hold on to this thought, it will be handy later when there is another incident.

      And that Sam dude, no way should a kid be around him. He’s still a child himself.

      Yes, in this situation if my sis wanted to go no contact then I would support that. I have seen too much BS. I have a low tolerance in some people’s eyes. But I know there are some people that we have to set hard boundaries with. Mom here is one of those people.

      1. tangerineRose*

        I agree; I don’t think this child (or any child) should be left with Barbara. Seems like a very high price for free babysitting. And what if she picks up and imitates her grandma’s problematic behavior? I also think that going no contact would probably be a huge relief for Kathy and Aaron.

    6. Observer*

      I think that there are a couple of pieces here. But I’m going to stick to the practical issues.

      1. Skip the confrontation. It’s not going to accomplish anything.

      2. Kathy an Aron need to find other childcare TODAY. I’m not kidding. Believe me, I know how hard it can be. But, they’ve just found out something incredibly important about Barbara, and it’s not about her relationship with Kathy. That’s bad enough, but what makes this a childcare emergency is that Barbara has shown that she can’t be trusted to put Melissa’s welfare first. Teaching her foul language, encouraging her to use language that her parents have explicitly told her not to use (at least in this kind of context) and putting her in the middle whatever bones they (think) they have to pick are terrible things to do to a child.

      3. They should definitely go low contact and never allow Melissa to spend any time unsupervised with Barbara. And if Barbara tries to escalate, go no contact.

      2. Falling Diphthong*

        Expanding on (2), Barbara will lie to Melissa’s parents about stuff involving Melissa if the truth might be more difficult than the lie. This is not a quality you want in the person in control of your child.

    7. LilySparrow*

      I think Kathy should have gone no-contact a long time ago, and it’s a shame Barbara is using free babysitting as a lure/blackmail to get Kathy to knuckle under. I agree with all the others that you do not want someone like this babysitting your child.

      Bear in mind, she didn’t just lie blatantly about what Sam did to Melissa with her approval. She lied with witnesses, and ***knowing there was a security camera.***

      What the heck is Sam — or Barbara, or Kim, or any of Kim’s other high-quality “friends” — doing to Melissa when Kathy’s not there? What other “jokes” does Barbara laugh at? If coaching Melissa to say and do inappropriate things as a “joke” is perfectly fine with Barbara, I seriously hope there’s not video of Melissa on YouTube in God-knows-what kind of “joke” situation.

      I wouldn’t want to be around Kathy, or Kim, or Sam at all, and I sure as heck wouldn’t want my 5-year-old around them. Not because of cursing – that’s a momentary blip. Because they are normalizing lies, manipulation, cruelty (the way they turned Melissa’s innocent trust into a mean-spirited joke is just cruel), and all kinds of toxic behavior.

      If they had a great relationship and this was a one-time lapse of judgement, I’d say everybody should just settle down. But it’s obviously just par for the course, and I’d say it’s high time Kathy got herself and her kid out of this morass.

      Of course Aaron is furious. But he can save his breath. Confronting them isn’t going to do any good, it’s just going to raise his blood pressure and whip them up into even more of a frenzy, so they can say more mean, manipulative, ugly things to Kathy. There is nothing he can say to them that is going to “get through to them” or make them apologize.

      And even if they did apologize, then what? That doesn’t make them trustworthy or good people to be around your kids.

      You don’t draw boundaries with words. You draw them with physical space. The more distance Kathy and Aaron put between themselves and Barbara, the better off they and Melissa will be.

    8. LGC*

      …like, I’m about to start using adult language to describe Sam, Kim, and your mom! They’re all terrible!

      So, yeah, this is serious enough for no contact, especially with the context. Your mom approved of a grown man telling her five year old grandchild to call her mom (who happens to be your mom’s daughter) possibly the most vile thing you can call a woman in the US. There’s absolutely no way that is even remotely okay. Further, when she was called out on it, she actually defended the grown man, instead of her grandchild who said grown man exploited. (Or…you know, your sister and her child, who just got called the most vile thing you can call a woman in the United States.)

      I don’t think your sister should wait for your mom to admit her role. I think that if she can, she should just cut your mom off to begin with. I’m not sorry for being an internet stranger suggesting that your family go through painful drama because frankly from this entire post, your mom sounds horrid (even if she was providing free childcare). And…honestly, even if it is difficult, I’d say she should find different childcare arrangements to begin with, as your mom sounds like she’s perfectly fine with letting adult men teach your daughter to say terrible things! To her own daughter!

      (And yes, I’ve repeated the fact that your mom is okay with having your sister Kathy called a C-word because Christ on a cracker, that is fifty shades of wrong. Maybe it’s because I come from a family where my parents still scold me for cursing in their home (at ALL). Maybe it’s because for all my family’s dysfunction, we at least try to pretend we respect each other and don’t gratuitously insult each other. But I’m legitimately horrified by your mom’s direct behavior in front of Kathy (let alone her videotaped behavior), and I think most reasonable people should be horrified.)

    9. Coyote*

      I want to thank everyone for your replies! It’s really helped us realize that this is NOT normal, no matter how much we’re told it is.

      Yesterday morning I woke up to a text message and missed call from my mom. I knew she wasn’t checking in to see how I was doing and only wanted to talk about the argument as she only reaches out when she needs something. I gave it a few hours before I returned her text message. When we talked I explicitly told her that I was staying out of the middle of their argument and she tried to plead her own case, eventually coming to the conclusion that she’s the actual victim here and Kathy needs to apologize to HER! I told her that if she has a problem with Kathy she needs to discuss it directly with her as adults. My mom doubled down and replied that even though there is video evidence there is no audio so it is her word against Kathy’s, and Kathy can’t prove what was said and what they were laughing at. (Side note: on the video the entire interaction with Sam, Melissa, and Kathy confronting the group happens in under 30 seconds.) I didn’t share this conversation with Kathy or Aaron.

      Kathy decided to go no-contact with our mom until she could sort out her feelings. Her husband, on the other hand, decided to confront Barbara over the phone which ended in a screaming match and Barbara hanging up on him. In my opinion, this only bolstered her feelings of victimization. We have a family group chat that is very active but has been silent since Saturday evening. After Barbara hangs up on Aaron my sister Kim writes this long dialogue with the intentions of exonerating her and my mom’s behavior. There’s a back-and-forth between Kim and Aaron and Kim leaves the group chat. Suddenly my dad, who has stayed silent over the past couple of days, writes this huge message that essentially says he believes my mom, this whole situation is ridiculous, never question your parents (his exact words used were “Respect your parents or refer back to the 10 commandments”, which is an email my mom had him draft a few years ago with 10 rules on how to act appropriately on THEIR family vacation. In a nutshell, this was their vacation, no matter how much money we were putting into it, and they invited us out of the goodness of their hearts so we needed to force a smile and follow their direction. Kathy is 32, I’m 31, Kim is 29…), and this is not to be discussed again. We know mom is using dad (and Kim) as her megaphone and he goes along with her because he has to live with her and doesn’t want to rock the boat.

      Kim and Barbara exist in an echo chamber together and Barbara uses Kim as her “attack dog”, so this whole situation has went down exactly as I had suspected. Not a great update, but I’d like to give my thanks again to everyone who commented.

  81. buu*

    I’d be worried about what babara is teaching the kid when they are alone. What does she say about the mother then?

  82. The Other Dawn*

    What do you all find works best for you when you have a cold? Go on with your day as usual, heavily dosing yourself with cold medicine? Hunkering down in your bed and shutting out the world? Cold? Heat?

    My husband gave me his cold and I’m feeling crappy this weekend. Thankfully it doesn’t feel like a full-blown cold, as in I can breathe and the sinus headache isn’t horrible. Sometimes I’m able to skate by with a mild cold, and sometimes not.

    While I’d prefer to lay around and read, I feel like just going about my day will help me feel better overall. I find that when I have a cold and I lay around, I sometimes feel worse. It’s a pretty chilly morning and it’s early, so I’m thinking a trip to the grocery store will help. I’ll be able to move around and also get a nice dose of cold, crisp air to clear out the nastiness in my nose.

    1. The Other Dawn*

      Damn I hit Submit too soon! I was planning on making more jelly this weekend–I’m on a kick–but I’m not sure if I’m up to that or not. The plan was to make strawberry rosemary jelly, since my garden is overflowing with rosemary (sage, thyme and oregano, too).

      2. Nye*

        Oh, strawberry rosemary jelly sounds wonderful! I might have to get my partner to try that next year (he is the preserve-maker in the household). He does a peach ginger that’s dynamite, and I’m encouraging him to branch out into other fruit-herb/spice combos.

      3. Nye*

        I’m a big fan of taking meds and taking it as easy as possible (lots of sleep and tea) when I start feeling like a cold or similar bug is coming in. I used to be very much a “soldier on and sweat it out” type, but finally figured out that the r&r approach seems to help me recover dramatically faster.

    2. Rebecca*

      I just soldier on if it’s just a cold. Diet Mountain Dew and Sudafed, all day, every day until it passes. It makes me feel better to be up and around.

    3. WellRed*

      I do a bit of both. I definitely start to feel extra crappy late afternoon, either way. Then, it’s rest time.

    4. MissDisplaced*

      It depends on how bad it is. With a light sinus cold, generally I can medicate and still be somewhat productive.
      But if it’s kind of a bad cold with coughing and the whole shebam… I basically sleep! And sleep some more.

    5. Jessen*

      I’ve found the constant ingestion of hot beverages really helps. One of my personal favorites is warm milk with mint tea and honey (helps soothe a sore throat). But mix it in with broth and the hot caffeine-free tea of your choice. If I have any relatively sit-down work to accomplish I often find that’s a good time.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Willow bark is great on sinus headaches.

      One of my favorite things to do is to change my sheets and my pjs, throw them in the laundry. I always seem to feel better faster when I do this.

      As far as rest vs powering through it, it depends on a lot of things such as severity of the cold. But it also depends on how run down I felt before I got the cold. If I know I was running low on energy before the cold, then I figure that sleep is going to be a big part of dumping off the cold.

    7. Square Root Of Minus One*

      I find that when I start feeling it coming or someone around me gets it, a dose of vitamin C in water every day helps me feel better sooner, if I get sick at all. It’s not normally part of my routine, only in these circumstances.
      Other than that, I only stay in when it induces a migraine or an aching throat. In that case, cold drinks under no circumstances, and a prescription of blankets, no cold drinks, scarfs, large doses of tea and kitten hugs.
      I very rarely take cold medicine. It’s going out of date in my pharmacy I think.

        1. Square Root Of Minus One*

          It can extend to full-grown cats :) My cat is four years old but still a kitten in my heart. And well, wait for a cloud to pass by and see. She had a stay on my lap three different times today when I was reading, since it was getting cold.
          (I just noticed I wrote the same thing twice – had to be important… I can’t seem to get a post correct this weekend, it’s just ridiculous.)

    8. LilySparrow*

      I go by the above the neck/below the neck rule.

      If it’s just nasal symptoms and maybe a sore throat, I take meds, do some home remedies like honey and lemon or herbal tea, and do a slightly easier version of my normal routine. If I feel phlegmy in my chest or have a cough, or any stomach symptoms, I cut out all unnecessary tasks and spend the time resting.

    9. The Other Dawn*

      Thanks, everyone. I went out this morning to do the grocery shopping thinking it would clear up my sinuses a bit. Unfortunately I became more stuffy as the day went on so I went home and relaxed. I have a scratchy throat, but it’s not painful like it was the other day, and some stuffiness, but at least I can breathe. Headache is gone. Tomorrow will be day five so I’m hoping I start feeling better.

    10. DC person*

      Currently getting over a terrible cold right now. I consume all. the. ginger in the form of tea or hot soup with tons of lemon juice and cayenne. I also take hot showers.

  83. Environmental Compliance*

    We closed on our house!! The previous owners left us a whole bunch of dirt, some random craft beers, and a couple frozen turkeys. So that’s….cool. We spent the entire day yesterday cleaning, but we’ve moved in a room’s worth of stuff so far. Woohoo!

    Also got scheduled for endometriosis surgery in a week & a half. My mom’s coming down to babysit me on painkillers. I’m hoping we can get 90% moved in and unpacked before she gets here.

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      Not to imply “yay surgery,” but visiting relatives are a great motivator for getting stuff put away.

      1. Environmental Compliance*

        Having my mom down actually will be great for that. We organize very similarly, so with her helping, things would be pretty much where I would have put them.

        I’m a little nervous for surgery, but glad I finally have a diagnosis and there’s something I can do about it. I’d like to not be in pain any more, or at least be in less pain. Heck, I’m glad a doctor finally believed me that things hurt, and that it wasn’t just because I have lady bits or, as one doc told me, that “it was all in my head”.

  84. Anon for This*

    I’m going anonymous for this one, but it’s about my mom.

    My mom seems to believe that she should share in the profits of our household income. My husband makes pretty good money, and I am making decent money now too. When we go on vacation, she assumes she should be invited and pouts if she isn’t. She actually goes on vacation more often than we do, so I’m unsure where that comes from. Our vacations are strictly immediate family since we both work long hours and it’s our way to hang out with our kids. I have never taken a vacation with my mom and honestly, I don’t ever want to.

    The latest thing – she was just here in May. She sent a message last night telling me she misses me (not the kids, not the family, just me) and she wants to come visit. And she wants me to pay for it. And she wants to come on Thanksgiving.

    She visited once for Thanksgiving before and it was a total sh!tshow (alcohol and constant criticisms about everything from my parenting to my marriage to my appearance were the least of it). She was just here. She wants to come here again. She wants to come every quarter. My mom is married, and they have a decent income, and I’m in somewhat regular online contact.

    Because we moved and now we’re closer to her home state, she keeps pushing this notion of visiting every quarter or so, and now since I’m making more money (thanks, brother, for telling her my salary even when I asked you not to), she seems to also expect that I will be footing the bill for her airfare…even though I foot the bill for everything else when she does visit (I’m talking dinners out, trips to the spa, her alcohol even though I don’t drink, etc.)

    I’m planning on using the script of “I discussed with the husband and Thanksgiving just won’t work this year, sorry” but I’m trying to figure out how to get her to understand that just because we’re doing reasonably well on money doesn’t mean that I’m going to be flinging a ton of cash her way. If she were destitute, yes, of course. But she’s not. When I asked what she wanted for Christmas last year, she said, “An iPhone X.” That’s what my husband got for his present? Really? She can afford to buy one for herself, why does she want me to buy one for her?

    I know this sounds very #firstworldproblems in the “Oh, I have a lot of money and my mom wants to get in on it” but there are other stressors. She keeps talking about when her husband dies how she’s going to come live with me. Uh, no. My marriage and my sanity would never survive it. I’ve even told her point-blank that it will never happen. It keeps coming up. “Oh, you have a big house, oh, you can afford it, I don’t eat much, it’ll be fine.” She’s not hearing the “no”. If I’m frank and honest, she gets offended and hurt and asks why I’m so mean and stingy. I give up. I know no one will read this but I needed to get it off my chest. It came up earlier and I posted about it on Corporette and just got BLASTED for how terrible of a daughter I was, my mom won’t be around forever, etc. blah blah blah. I know all these things, but I can handle my mom in small, tiny doses maybe once a year, and she seems determined to keep pushing the boundaries of the time I’m willing to give.

    Thanks for letting me vent.

    1. WellRed*

      You realize this isn’t really about $, right? Also, your mother is being ridiculous even if you don’t care about the $. I assume she’s always been a needy, alcoholic handful of narcissism. Stand your ground. You are not a horrible daughter!

    2. Kathenus*

      I’m sorry, that sounds rough. My mom was emotionally challenging, and I knew that our relationship would never have survived intact if she had ever lived with me. This doesn’t solve all the problems, and she may not ‘accept’ it as a fair option, but maybe proactively offer to fly her out once a year at a mutually agreed upon time? That way you’re setting ground rules on your terms, and not re-litigating it every year/trip request. She may push back and keep asking, but then you can go back to the ‘mom, as I’ve said before, husband and I are happy to fly you out once a year to visit. If you plan to visit more than that please do so when it fits your budget’. Best of luck, I know how draining this type of situation can be.

      1. Thursday Next*

        If you’re comfortable with the expense, the idea of a proactive offer is a great one. It lets you set some parameters.

        Are you from a culture that considers it a child’s duty to care for parents, particularly a widowed mother? I am, and I fully expect to have to manage the logistics of my mother’s life when that happens, though my father has done some great financial planning, and I’m not concerned about that aspect of things. (Also, my mother is increasingly hampered by untreated mental illness, and therefore can’t manage lots of things, though she’s physically in decent shape for her age.)

        Still, she will not be living with me, as our relationship during my childhood was fraught; my brother, who understands this, will take that on if necessary.

        I’m also wondering whether you can set some parameters around gifts? Again, I’m from a culture where gifts flow downward generationally, so my parents have been weirded out when I’ve tried to give them gifts—unless they’re grandchild-related, like mugs with all the grandchildren’s pictures. But maybe you can say that your holiday+birthday present to her will be an annual ticket/trip expenses?

        Good luck—this stuff is HARD.

        1. Observer*

          There is a huge difference between taking care of an aging parent and what’s happening here, though. As WellRed said, it’s not really about money.

          1. Thursday Next*

            OP said her mom talks about moving in when her husband dies, so I thought it worth mentioning. OP didn’t say how old her mother is, so it may be more/less relevant.

            Mostly my comment was about parameters, with a nod to the fact that parameters can be culturally inflected. So if OP *wants* to deal with her mother’s demands for tickets and luxury items by setting aside a clearly defined sum of money (one annual ticket), that is one option.

            1. Anon for This*

              My uncle has a living situation where his MIL live on the basement floor of their home, and “Everyone is happy!” Yes, that’s Uncle X and Auntie Y, but it wouldn’t work here. Short of saying, “I don’t want to do that” (and it’s looking like I’m going to have to), she just doesn’t hear it.

              I should note the “moving in with you” comment is always made in a semi-joking way, and I’ve tried responding in kind, like “HAHAH NEVAARRRR” at which point she gets baffled and hurt and then the “Why not?” questions start.

              She’s saving for her retirement, downsizing her house, and doing everything right to set herself up. I don’t know if she just wants airy reassurance that I’d want her here around us all the time (spoiler: as mean as it sounds, not living here, NO) or she’s really truly angling for it. The last time we had a serious discussion was several years ago and I was fairly blunt in that we would end up fighting all the time, my husband would never, ever allow it, and it wouldn’t be healthy. That conversation ended with shouting and tears.

              *sigh*

        2. Anon for This*

          Standard WASP culture, although she is a Southerner and I’m a Westerner, so our notions of familial duty might be a little different in that regard. She has similar expectations of what she deserves from my brother – although not monetarily – and gets upset when he’s not willing to re-tile her bathroom for free or fix her plumbing right away, that sort of thing.

          1. Thursday Next*

            Ah, I see. It seems like she expects a certain (large) amount of consideration from her kids, whether in the form of time or money.

            I think these expectations can increase when adult children have children over their own—now there’s even less focus on mother/grandmother. Or even if they stay the same, it can feel like an increase when you’re busy with your own children.

            Boundary-setting talks are the way to go. Decide what you’re comfortable with, offer that, and refer your mother back to that conversation when she insists on something else. If she keeps bringing it up to negotiate changes, let her know that you won’t continue the conversation if she persists. And follow through.

            1. Anon for This*

              Oddly, my father has the attitude that “You have your own family, they get the lion’s share, and we’ll fit in the fringes as necessary” – to the point of offering to stay in a hotel when they come to visit. I have a big house, and a spare guest suite, so no, that’s not an option – but the difference between her and him is striking (I should note they are divorced and both have remarried).

              I’m seeing a theme here…boundary setting. I need to get over my own nascent guilt of needing to do more and remember that this is my life, my family, my house, and my rules…and I’m the only one who gets to decide (well, I and my husband, but you get my drift).

      2. Anon for This*

        I am okay with her coming once a year in May, which is a concept I’ll put forth. She visited her mom every year for Mother’s Day – alone – and has abandoned hope of me doing the same. But I’m happy to have her out here, once a year, in May. I don’t do vacations or girl trips or whatever without my husband – it’s just not something we do. Her notion of “You need to just get away from him every year” doesn’t fly with me because, unlike her, I don’t have a miserable marriage and I don’t WANT to be away from my husband.

    3. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Yes, it’s not about money, it’s about boundaries and control. I suggest reading up on enforcing boundaries on Captain Awkward, because you’re going to need to just keep calmly saying no. Since (if?) you want to maintain a good relationship with her, try coming up with alternatives that work for you ahead of time, so you can say “no, but I can do X”. Be careful not to say “no, but how about X?”, because when you make it a question you open it to negotiation, and it sounds like she is VERY good at negotiating to get what she wants regardless of how it affects you and your family.

      You may have heard this before, but when enforcing boundaries, be prepared for some strong pushback and threats at first. If you can remain calm and hold your ground, you may have a much better relationship once she realizes that she can’t get her way. It’s very much like standing up to a bully, many of them will actually become deferential if not respectful afterwards.

      Good luck! We’re rooting for you.

      1. tangerineRose*

        I agree; Captain Awkward should be very helpful. Your mother sounds toxic.

        And don’t tell your brother anything that you don’t want your mother to know.

        1. Observer*

          Very much seconding the second piece of advice.

          Your bother told you something very important about himself. When someone shows you who they are, believe them!

        2. Anon for This*

          Knowing him, he probably got drunk and blurted it out (seeing a pattern here?). My brother loves me more than anything and I love him more than anything, and I don’t think he would ever do anything to knowingly hurt me or piss me off. They both get…blabby when they’re in their cups.

          1. Winter Red*

            Knowing that about him, you can adjust your behavior accordingly. Asking him not to tell her stuff doesn’t work if he gets “drunk and blabby”. So don’t tell him anything you don’t want him to blab. I’m sure he’s a great guy, but he clearly cannot be relied upon to keep things from her.

    4. Aphrodite*

      The problem with people who run roughshod over you is that they simply choose not to hear the “no” in “no +.” What I mean is that when you give her an excuse such as “not at this time/this year,” or “because of [reason]” you have given them a reason to argue with you. And once you have given them a reason and they have been able to overcome it, then they know exactly what they have to say and how many times you will say no before you will say yes.

      The only way to deal with boundary stompers is to simply stonewall them. Just say “no.” Repeat an unarguable phrase like “That won’t work for us” without adding any reason even if they demand it.

      Instead, what you can do is sit down with your husband and decide how often she can visit and exactly how long each visit can be. For example, you might decide once a year in May for three days works. Then stick to that regardless of how much she argues or what she says or what she says about you to someone. Be sure to let her know that you will never be paying her plane fare to come but–only if you want to–you will pay for three nights at a nearby hotel. Or nothing. Whatever you choose.

      Setting your boundaries up front right now is essential because she is already laying the groundwork for coming to live with you permanently. If you don’t firmly and immediately cut it off you are in for a lifetime of misery. it’s hard at first to do this, it might seem mean because she is, after all, mom, but any boundary stomper, regardless of relationship, needs to be handled with rigid boundaries from the beginning.

      Good luck!

      1. Anon for This*

        I think this is a case of where “No is a complete sentence”, although I did soften it down by saying, “Due to a number of factors, Thanksgiving visit is just not going to work for us.”

        I’ve dealt with boundary stompers in the past, and long ago realized that when they demand WHYYYY – much like a small child – they’re not really interested in the reason so they can so, “Oh, that makes total sense, I get it, thanks for thinking of that situation!” or whatever. They want to know WHYYYY so they can argue with you and make you justify and defend your answers. And, if they’re very good at it – and she is – they end up wearing you down to where you’re just like “Screw it, whatever, do what you want”…which is exactly what they want.

        Again, like small children.

    5. ElspethGC*

      I’ve visited Corporette a few times (mostly when people here have recommended particular posts), and the comment section there seems 10x judgier than the one here. Some websites just need an Alison but don’t have one. (I’m biased against the commonly-held views there a bit anyway because of a very lengthy comment firestorm about how wearing makeup to work makes you look like you care more about your appearance than about work, which my high-femme self does *not* agree with, but anyway.) And they really are wrong about this.

      Some people are just kinda toxic to be around long-term, and that’s okay. Sometimes those toxic people are your family members, and that’s okay as well. There’s no shame in prioritising your own mental health, which really seems to be the case here. A close friend is struggling with a toxic relationship with her nan, who she’s always been fairly close to (and who seems to think she’s a child who should never do anything for herself when she has a male housemate to do it for her, including taking the rubbish out or moving empty cardboard boxes) and I can see the toll it’s taking on her.

      Maybe your mum thinks you’re being a terrible daughter, but you think that right now she’s being a terrible mother, and I definitely think you have a more accurate grasp of the situation than she does. I don’t have any super-specific advice to offer, unfortunately, but…at least she’s a flight away rather than a half-hour drive away?

      Is there anything you could ‘save up’ for, like an extension or redecorating (something that isn’t a holiday she can ask to come on!) and blandly respond to money requests with “Sorry, we’re being a bit more conservative with spending because we’re saving up for X, I’m sure you understand”. Not that you necessarily need to save up for anything, but it might be a bit harder to accuse you of being stingy if you imply that you’re cutting down on spending full-stop rather than just on here – even if it really *is* just on her!

      1. anon24*

        “sorry Mom, we realized we’re not saving enough for retirement so we’re putting away more for it and our current budget is much tighter. We don’t want to be dependent on [children] to pay the bills for us and pay for our travel and vacations when we come visit them. We want them to enjoy any money they make and not have to worry about us.”

        1. tangerineRose*

          Retirement savings is a great reason. Your mom probably won’t “hear” it, but then just keep saying “no”.

        2. Anon for This*

          I have a big, beautiful, ginormous house that was a flip house. Side tip: never, ever buy a flip house that’s sat vacant for several years.

          We have a leak that’s done enough damage to an interior wall that it’s probably going to set us back $20,000 to have it repaired. We’re both trying to put money into our 401K funds like mad, I have six credit cards to pay down (I was out of work for a long time, and underemployed before that, and now I have cash to burn…burn on debt!). My son needs a car, my daughter needs braces…there’s loads of things I need to portion out my discretionary cash on. I joked with my husband yesterday that my first three (three!) paychecks are spoken for, because I need to pay taxes (oof), I need to pay PROPERTY taxes (double oof), I need brakes for my car…the list just goes on and on.

          So yes, I definitely have defenses to allocate those monies toward, but I also…don’t feel like I should have to say, “Hey, I don’t wanna buy you an iPhone / pay triple the normal ticket price / front your flights quarterly with my newfound quote unquote wealth because I DON’T WANT TO.”

          I’m a mess, and probably not making sense. I figure out problems by talking things out, and that’s what I’m doing here, because I think my poor husband is worn out. He’s totally on board with all of this, by the way, and would handle things far more bluntly than I would (which, of course, he would – it’s not his mother).

          Oh, and that’s another thing – his mother hasn’t been here in three years, and I fully planned to fly her out here next spring to visit. I know that sounds incredibly hypocritical, but she is single, on a very fixed income, and will probably require at least 20 minutes of reassurance that I WANT to fly her out, I WANT to pay the money, and I WANT her to come visit.

          I know that sounds unfair, but my MIL would never ever just *expect* us to pay her way and shuttle her around, and my mom does…and therein lies the problem.

          I need a nap.

      2. Close Bracket*

        > wearing makeup to work makes you look like you care more about your appearance than about work

        Going off on a tangent here, but what’s up with that? Assuming people do their hair and make up and home and stick to touch ups in the rest room over lunch, how does caring about your appearance detract from work in the slightest? Does showering mean you care more about your smell than about work?

        Most of those people who don’t wear make up and think this are men (not all, granted), and those men actually care very much about how they look. They just have a different aesthetic and presentation than you do. A few of them spend thousands of dollars on a stylist to achieve that Don’t Give a Fuck About My Appearance look.

        1. Anon for This*

          I always wear makeup to work, just like I always dress professionally for work even though we’re at the low end of business casual.

          I do notice that Corporette has a lot of younger women on it, and many are in BigLaw, who can maybe get away with wearing minimal or no makeup. I am much older than their core demographic, and I wear makeup (a) so I don’t look like I’m half dead, (b) because I think it makes me look pretty, and (c) I LIKE WEARING MAKEUP.

          They can definitely be a judgmental bunch.

    6. Jessen*

      Parent stuff can make a lot of people feel very strong emotions. I agree with WellRed that this seems to be less about the money and more about feeling that she’s entitled to get what she wants from you. (I read something once that I could never find, that it’s often easier for many people to identify with the parent than with the child – and this causes problems because they then filter the parent’s behavior through what they would do.) If you don’t stick to boundaries with such a person, you’re just moving the fight.

    7. Aquablue*

      A million hugs to you and +10000000 to what the others have said (keep up the boundaries, stand your ground, you’re not a horrible daughter)..

      I have a similar relationship with my mom as you have with yours so I totally understand how you feel and what you’re going through. I’m sorry the folks at Corporette were overly critical. I don’t know why it’s hard for some people to grasp that not every mother has the right to be hero-worshipped by her children. There are awful parents out there. Just because they’re not in jail for their terrible treatment of their kids, doesn’t mean the kids have an obligation to maintain a relationship or keep in contact. I’ve never understand the statement “but…faaaaaaamilly” as a reason to keep negative or toxic people in your life.

      1. Anon for This*

        Thank you. Some of the comments were incredibly vicious.

        As I get older, I’m finding less and less time for people who make me feel bad. That doesn’t mean I cut people off the second they annoy me, but I’m realizing life is short and I don’t want to spend it placating people who are unhappy and want make me unhappy.

        I’m sorry you’re in the same boat.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      “Mom, if you don’t stop asking this, I am going to have to have less contact with you.” Then do it.

      The only thing you can change here is what you are doing. She’s showing you what she plans on doing. She will just keep asking you.

    9. Ender*

      Agree with the others, this is not about the money she is being controlling and pushy in general not specifically about money. It sounds like your relationship with her is pretty strained in general. That sucks.

    10. Observer*

      Change your expectations. You can’t change her, only your reaction to her.

      So, your Thanksgiving script is good. Find a script for refusing to pay for the things she’s asking for – same script every time. And makes sure that it’s not an “explanation” or excuse, or a deflection for “another time.” Something in the range of “We won’t be doing that.” “But you have SO MUCH money!” “Sorry, we won’t be doing that.”

      Feel free to cut conversations short if she keeps it up – tell her ONCE “there is nothing more to discuss. If you keep on, I’m going to end the conversation.” Then DO IT.

      She can’t make you pay for her trips or other luxuries. She can’t even make you listen to her complaining about it. Embrace that reality and stop worrying about what she thinks.

      1. Anon for This*

        You are right. I can’t make her change, I can only change how I react. She can’t MAKE me feel bad.

    12. Falling Diphthong*

      As someone who’s lived in the third world, I assure you they can have really annoying relatives too. In precisely this way, even.

    13. Anon for This*

      Thank you all so much for replying – I honestly didn’t think anyone would see this since it was buried so far down.

      I messaged her and said that I’d discussed it with the husband, and due to various factors, it wouldn’t be happening this year. Her response, “Okie dokie” was suspiciously short. I suspect this evening will be an outpouring of “Why don’t you want to see me” or “you can afford it so it’s no big deal” kind of thing.

      Captain Awkward has been invaluable in supplying scripts for people who don’t want to hear the word “no”, and there’s an extra layer of ickiness here because it’s my mom. She feels entitled to a lot of things, and when y’all said it’s not the money, you’re right. I think she knows that I feel somewhat guilty that I’m not lavishing the same things on her that I am on my own (large) family but…they’re my family? They come first? Why is this complicated?

      If something drastic happened, like a stroke or a major health incident, of course I would see that she was taken care of properly and long-term. This is more “I want this huge place in your life” pushiness that I’m just not prepared to hand over because yes, our relationship is strained in many ways. I’ve cut her off before – completely – and I don’t want to have to do it again, but if she can’t control herself (and what she says) when she’s drinking, I won’t have a choice.

      Thank you all again for giving me a safe place to vent.

      1. CBE*

        If you’re absolutely willing to do that again, tell her. Tell her if she starts pulling that crap again, or acts entitled, to tries to manipulate or guilt you. Just tell her that if she won’t be a respectful ADULT she won’t get to be in your life, period.

    14. MatKnifeNinja*

      This coming from a child of two parents who had all the nuturing skills of lay the eggs and run reptiles.

      No is a complete sentence. Everything else is commentary.

      People who have sane and reasonable parents will never understand what it’s like to deal with psychodrama parents. They all get all Oprah Winfrey, and think everything can be reasonably solved with a good conversation and group hugs. They don’t know what it’s like dealing with someone who is a walking DSM 5.

      I loved my mom and dad. I could not live with them. The amount of crazy they unleashed on a daily basis was mind numbing. I took a lot of shit for “not letting my parents live with me.” This was from folks who had NO F*CKING CLUE what it was like dealing with them. And those people weren’t going to help out anyway.

      Listen, I want a a high end muscle car and a pony for Christmas. We want a lot of stuff. Just because you want doesn’t mean you get. Draw your lines in the sand, and keep saying no. Your mom is acting like a spoiled 5 year old. Who cares if she gets torqued? You can’t argue with crazy. They’ll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

      Also, don’t over share with your brother. Why is he oversharing with mom?

      Anyway, I’ve been there. Done that. Got the soul crushing scars to prove it. Love you mom, but no….

      1. Anon for This*

        Funny you should mention a muscle car – when I got my car, which happens to be one of the muscle cars and not on the low end either, and I justify the purchase by noting I was driving a beater from 2003 – her comment was, “It must be nice to be rich.”

        It wasn’t a Tesla. It was a passenger car that happens to have a busload of horsepower and is a newer model. But…”It must be nice to be rich”.

        /bangs head

    15. Temperance*

      Check out RaisedByNarcissists on Reddit. That should be a good source of support for you. Thinking that your financial success is actually her own success is classic narc, IMO.

      People who have normal, healthy families can’t understand. They always see it from their own perspective; they’re either thinking how sad they would be to lose their mother, or how sad they would be to be cut off from their child, and not thinking about your perspective as the victim in the situation.

      My husband and I have much more money than either of our FOOs. We’re probably overly generous with our nieces and nephews, but we don’t support adults. It’s our money, just like it’s your money. We also have a 4 bedroom house, and we aren’t moving anyone in here, ever.

      1. Anon for This*

        I will definitely check out that reddit. I’m not sure she’s a narcissist, but I’ve noticed that she’s getting far more selfish as she gets older, and demanding more and more from me and my brother. Worse for him – he lives in the same city and state as her, whereas I’m a solid 10 tens away by car.

    16. Yetanotherjennifer*

      I’m sorry, your mom is never going to change. She’s never going to hear or accept a no, no matter how firmly it’s phrased. You’re not doing it wrong, she just doesn’t want to hear that answer. But her asking and wanting in no way obligates you to provide. So knowing this, figure out how much you want to put up with and how much you want to spend and draw and defend your boundaries. Prepare for the day she shows up on your doorstep ready to move in if she’s capable of that sort of thing, but otherwise keep saying no even if you’re never heard.

    17. Catherine from Canada*

      Before I read all the replies, just wanted to say – you’ve gotten 38 replies so i) people are still reading and ii) hooo boy are you ever not alone on this one!
      More later.

      1. Anon for This*

        I am honestly humbled and so very grateful for the support, validation, and useful advice. It’s the reason this is the number one page I go to – not just for work advice, but for the people as well.

        1. Wicked Witch of the West*

          Many (like 40) years ago hubby and I decided that if my Mom or Dad or both needed to come live with us, fine. If his Mom or Dad or both needed to come live with us, we’d each get a night job at the convenience store to keep them in a nice facility. All are gone now. The only one who lived with us was my Dad, for three years, and it worked out fine. Blood is not everything. The more you push and demand from me, the less I give.

  85. KatieKate*

    I was feeling weirdly anxious about my birthday for a number of reasons this year and opted out putting together a get together. I did get together with some close friends the week after for a monthly thing we do, and I was a little disappointed that I didn’t get any gifts. Two friends that were there had their birthdays half a month earlier, and I got them both gifts. Now I’m traveling with one of the friends (2 weeks after my bday) and she’s being a little stingy about money, making sure that we’re splitting eveything evenly (cabs, dinner, etc). Is there a way to say “hey it would be nice if you did *anything* in honor of my birthday” without ruining the trip? Does she think that the fact that I didn’t throw myself a party means I didn’t want any gift? I’m confused and a little hurt. There’s been multiple opportunities for her to go “hey I got this one, happy birthday.”

    1. KatieKate*

      And even if I say anything—any offer will feel disingenuous. But I’m feeling a tad resentful and I don’t want to

    2. Kate Daniels*

      First off, happy birthday!!! I understand your hurt feelings and would probably also feel similarly disappointed. But I’m not sure saying anything about how you expect them to do something to honor your birthday would help, because “it’s the thought that counts”… and they didn’t have the thought that they should do something to treat you on your birthday on their own. So, even if they felt embarrassed now by how they forgot to acknowledge your birthday and pay for something for you, I don’t think it would necessarily feel great because they had to be told/guilted into doing it.

      My recommendation is for you to treat yourself!

      1. KatieKate*

        Thank you!

        I think the biggest thing is she—and the rest of my friends—acknowledges it. I got a number of birthday texts on my bday and they all said happy birthday when they saw me in person last week. So it’s not like they forgot! And even on this trip the friend mentioned how much she loved the gift I got her for her birthday a few weeks ago. So I don’t know what’s up.
        (I did treat myself to a massage on my birthday. It was wonderful!)

      2. CBE*

        To be honest, if you *chose* not to celebrate your birthday in the usual way, I would also not have bought a gift. Because I would have thought it meant YOU did not want this birthday acknowledged.
        Frankly, if you *opted out* of a birthday celebration, you have no business being upset people respected that. I would have done just as your friends did and taken your lead on how you wanted your birthday handled.
        I’m a little baffled that you’re upset about it.

        2. Julia*

          That’s not my experience at all. None of my friends these days “celebrate” their birthdays, but I usually get them a small gift, and if we’re close and I know that they don’t have any family/spouse/other close friends nearby, I usually take them out for a meal unless they say they don’t want that after I’ve invited them.
          I guess this may be a cultural thing of not tooting your own horn, but kind of hoping that someone remembers anyway?

          1. CBE*

            Ah, but this was her doing something *different this year* because this year was particularly hard for her. Friends noticed the difference, picked up on it, and tried to respect that this was a hard year for her. And now she’s faulting them for that? That’s not fair to them.

    3. Ender*

      Is it possible she thinks you don’t want gifts because you didn’t have a party? Obviously your case is different but in my experience when someone chooses not to mark their birthday with an occasion they usually don’t want gifts either. She may have assumed that is the case here.

    4. Anona*

      To be honest I don’t get birthday gifts for friends as an adult. If we’re out I might pick up their lunch or a drink or something, but not always. They probably don’t realize that you have this expectation.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I agree with this. I very rarely give a birthday gift as an adult, not even to my siblings. Very occasionally my husband and I will buy a birthday gift for the other, but it’s much more common for us to take the other one out for dinner for their birthday. T be honest, it wouldn’t even cross my mind to buy a friend a birthday gift, although I’d likely treat them to a drink or dessert or something like that.

      2. Lissa*

        Same here, my friends and I don’t do gifts at all – I used to with a couple friends but we both stopped a little while ago. I know for me gift-giving is a source of extreme anxiety and I am very happy that this is no longer an expectation among the people I know, and like…it just wouldn’t even occur to me to get a gift because somebody had had a bday.

    5. LilySparrow*

      Unfortunately, no. There is no way to tell your friend that you want her to give you a birthday present without it casting a pall over the trip.

      It appears that gifts are more meaningful to you than to many of your friends. That’s not bad or wrong, gifts are an important show of affection to a lot of people. But if you want to feel better about it, try looking for the ways your friends naturally show affection, and what’s meaningful to them. That will help you feel more love and appreciation coming at you from different directions and in different ways.

    6. Anono-me*

      You mentioned that one of your friends is being much more careful with money lately. Could there be some issue in her life that she hasn’t shared with you yet? If so, could it be something that has her preoccupied and worried about finances to the point that your birthday slipped her mind?

  86. Jessen*

    Is anyone familiar with therapeutic approaches to adult ADHD? I’ve been trying to look but all it’s turning up is CBT. I’ve had CBT and frankly hated it and found trying to deal with it made me completely miserable (in fact I think a lot of my previous therapy failures are due to CBT being practically the only thing on the market). I’m really looking more towards kind of practical strategies for managing to get basic tasks done without it feeling like your entire waking life is work and chores and dreading the next interruption, or getting distracted and ending up with nothing getting done.

    1. Close Bracket*

      Strategies will depend on which traits you exhibit and what you specifically struggle with. I struggle with the getting start part of doing things. I have a few techniques that I apply with varying degrees of success. One technique to just cut myself off from whatever thing I am doing and go do the thing I want to be doing. Say I am futzing with something instead of doing the laundry. I will tell myself to stop futzing and go do the laundry. This also works with switching tasks. Like if I am finishing up the dishes and want to do the laundry, I tell myself, the dishes are done, go do the laundry. Another technique is to remind myself of how pleased future me will be if the laundry is finished and how distressed future me will be if the laundry is not finished. That’s actually a bit of CBT there. I am changing my behavior based on how I think about things.

      I’m tend to hyperfocus, which makes it hard to get away from some types of distractions, especially the online types. I use the same techniques for that, and I also use the Pomodoro technique where if I am taking a break (like now) I put a time limit on it. Sometimes I put an event limit, like, I will only read 1 post during this break. Typically at the end of the limit, I have to consciously tell myself to stop and go back to working, or, in this case, go make lunch.

      I don’t know if those are the same things you struggle with. If you can give more specifics, you might get better strategies.

      1. Jessen*

        Hyperfocus and getting started are a lot of it. I try to tell myself, go do this now, and I just feel like I’m constantly fighting with myself and I’m drained trying to get started. Plus a lot of times I feel like I’ve put a lot of effort into a task and really not gotten any result. So a lot of organizing tasks, I’ll work for an hour and realize at the end of it all I have is a mess in a different spot – possibly even a worse mess than when I started. The fact that making and eating food is often part of the struggle doesn’t help. Of course I’m drained if I haven’t had enough to eat, but staying focused enough to fix food and sit down and actually eat it is hard.

        A lot of my issue with CBT is frankly it always just ends up sounding like the kind of crap I’ve had used on me by people who either didn’t believe me, or want to get away with their behavior. My mother in particular is really good at using psychology terminology to explain why it’s always your thinking that’s the problem and your life would be all sunshine and roses if you’d just see things her way instead. (There’s a reason that sending abusers to therapy doesn’t help, especially if the therapist hasn’t caught on.) I’ve put that sort of thing pretty directly to therapists and never got any sort of answer.

    2. LilySparrow*

      The only therapeutic approach I’ve used, in terms of seeing a therapist, is when the stress or emotional intensity of a life situation has made my symptoms overwhelming. It goes like: intense stress/grief causes my disorganization, or procrastination, or impulsive eating, to spiral out of control ==> I recognize there’s a problem and go to therapy ==> Therapist and I work on managing my stress/grief ==> I get proactive about sleep, nutrition, exercise, and adding joyful things (books, music) back into my life ==> I feel more able to manage my ADHD. I guess one of those therapists was probably kind of CBT-oriented, and the other was more general talk therapy.

      I don’t know that there’s really “therapy” for ADHD directly – it would be more like coaching, which is going to wind up looking really similar to CBT. But generally speaking, anything that gets your stress down, promotes relaxation, increases dopamine, and increases brain health in general is going to help. Mindfulness training, meditation, and so forth.

      There’s a lot of articles out lately about using EFT (aka tapping) for ADHD, so that’s something you might try. There’s no science on whether it helps specifically with ADHD, but there is research that shows it’s equally effective as other mindfulness/relaxation techniques for anxiety and anxiety-related conditions. So it might help, and it can’t hurt.

      (I’ve tried self-directed EFT. Personally, I just felt silly. But everybody’s different, and there are plenty of people who say it helps them.)

      If you feel like all your time is work and chores and dreading interruptions, have you tried medication or talked to your doctor about adjusting your meds? They aren’t a magic bullet and aren’t helpful for everyone, but getting medicated helped me very specifically deal better with interruptions. I still don’t love interruptions, but I can adjust far more calmly and get back to what I was doing far more easily.

      1. Jessen*

        I’m honestly still working on if it’s worth finding a doctor. I don’t think I’d feel comfortable starting meds until I’m in a much more stable situation. I have a history of reacting really mega horribly to medications, often to the point of becoming completely dysfunctional after starting them. Right now I have no support if things go wrong and I absolutely could not afford to take time off work to handle side effects. So the risk is just too great to my mind that I could really screw everything up.

        1. LilySparrow*

          You know you best. I was leery of meds myself, I’m not gonna push them on anybody. In my case, my doc showed me that the health risks of the massive quantities of caffeine I was using were much worse.

          But if you are struggling to keep yourself fed, that is certainly worth going to a doctor about.

          House doesn’t look like Pinterest? Not a big deal.

          Not eating food? Big deal.

          There’s actually a lot of lifestyle and nutrition things that can help take the edge off your symptoms. Baby steps, you know? One thing that helps makes it easier to do the next thing that helps. And when you get enough helpy-things stacked up and running, it gives you the margin to do things you aspire to.

    2. Lady Kelvin*

      We really enjoyed the Inn at Mt. Vernon. The restaurant is quiet and private, especially at night and our meals were excellent. It’s a bit off the beaten path but that is what we liked about it.

    3. Ali G*

      Tons!
      2941
      Hamrock’s
      Ray’s the Steak’s (but they have been renovating so call ahead and ask)
      Founding Farmers
      Raku
      Matchbox
      Vidalia

    4. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Some of our favorite places in DC are Fogo de Chao, Jaleo, and Rasika, in ascending order of intimacy/date-appropriateness. But the food and service are great at all of them. :)

  89. Wulfgar*

    I lost my collie/shepherd, Wulfgar, on Wednesday. He would have been 17 in December, and I’d had him since he was six months old, so we had a long time together. It just wasn’t enough. But, I knew it was time.

    I had recently got back to the gym and was becoming more healthy, but this has set me back some. All I’ve wanted to do is eat and sleep. I have three other dogs, and I know that I’ve got to keep moving for their sakes.

    If anyone else is going through this, you have my condolences.

    1. catherine*

      I am so sorry for your loss. Wulfgar is lucky to have had someone who cared so much about him. Give yourself time to grieve. Exercising and returning to a routine will probably help soon, but don’t beat yourself up for needing a few days to baby yourself. The heavy emotions that come with grief can be exhausting! I am glad you have other pups to lean on.

    2. Ali G*

      I’m sorry :(
      They are never with us long enough. Grieve how ever you need to and let your other dogs help you through.

    3. Ron McDon*

      I am so sorry to hear about your loss – you spent such a long time together, it is bound to knock you off-centre for a while.

      You’re right, having three other dogs to look after means you *have* to get up and keep going, which is a good thing, even if it doesn’t feel like it at the moment.

      Be kind to yourself, you can get back to going to the gym etc in a few days (or weeks) when you feel less sad.

      Internet hugs from this stranger, if you want them.

    6. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I’m so sorry for your loss. I am saying goodbye to my 22 year old cat tomorrow, so I know all too well what you are feeling. I hope your fond memories of Wolfgar will be some comfort to you.

        1. JaneB*

          I’m so sorry for both of your losses. In some ways it’s harder losing pets than people, I think – there’s no ambiguity or complexity, just pain. I just got a new cat 6 months after I lost my girl, and whilst I already love hm, it’s brought up a lot of grief for her. It’s hard – I totally get it. Internet hugs if they’d be welcome, and love on your other dogs whilst they’re still with you….

    7. Me again*

      I’m so sorry. We lost our beloved dog earlier this year and it broke our hearts. If love could save them, they’d live forever.

    8. KR*

      So sorry. My happy boy is 12 and it’s so sad thinking his time could come in a week or in five years. It’s so impossible to know.

    9. Bluebell*

      So sorry for your loss! That’s an amazing lifespan for a bigger pup and it sounds like you filled it with much love. Hugs to you.

    10. Bowserkitty*

      I am so sorry :( It is never easy to lose a family member. Just take the time to grieve, allow your body what it needs, and know that your other babies are there to comfort you, and may need the comfort themselves.

    11. Monty and Millie's Mom*

      My condolences to you. It’s never easy, no matter how much time you had, and even when you know it’s time. Hang in there!

    12. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      Sending you a hug. When we lost our oldest dog, we had 2 others, but the loss hit me hard. Grieve and know that you have to be gentle with yourself. It is a loss; your tears are your memories, and you honor him with the sense of loss. He was a big part of your life for a very long time. No platitudes heal, only time. Hug.

  90. Rumer*

    I’m just about to start my first placement for my PGCE to be a primary school teacher. It’s at a lovely school, the staff are great, they even have a “sustainability garden” to teach the kids about gardening.
    The garden also features a goat and seven ducks.
    They refer to the group of kids who look after the ducks as the Duck Club.

    That letter has tainted this club for me.

    1. Jessen*

      I suppose printing the askamanger article out and just leaving it in the breakroom would be a bad idea?

      Disclaimer: Don’t take suggestions from me that start with “I suppose”.

    2. Jean (just Jean)*

      Can you practice letting it go? (Maybe envision the smarmy “Duck Club” as floating away on the surface of water, like a leaf or …. a baby duck…?)
      Or tell yourself that the smarmy adults can ruin their own good names all they want, but your Mental Monster (imagine a friendly character who is also capable of Ferocity aka Righteous Rage) will give them the evil eye if they dare to track mud over the names of the kids?
      tl;dr: Using the imagination goes both ways. If we can imagine something being smutty we can also imagine it being proper and well-behaved.

  93. Hermezzz*

    Interior Design sites/blogs?

    So I’ve started to look at Pinterest and Instagram for some interior design inspiration (just for fun) and everything just looks so…perfect. It is all lovely to look at, but most don’t look homey. As if no ever sits on those couches or touches those nightstands or bookshelves. Are there any sites you use for inspiration that don’t look so “for the ‘gram”?

    1. Aphrodite*

      I used to adore Apartment Therapy but I don’t know; it seems less than it used to be. I still check it out but nowhere near as frequently. Still it might be worth reading regularly.

      I also agree about Traditional Home, though I prefer the magazine. I also love the magazine, House Beautiful. It’s my favorite of all and I read both the magazine and the site (I signed up for their notices to new material).

      You might also try Houzz; they have quite a few forums and discussions though those move fast. And I like the blog, Centsational Style.

    2. Minta*

      I recommend Houzz.com. Their search is very intuitive, responsive, and customizable. There’s are millions of photos on the site, and–with the help of robust filters and sorting options–you can home in on exactly what you’re looking for. Your inquiry might be “transitional style, featuring green wallpaper, view living rooms only, in Montreal,” and you’ll probably get a healthy number of returns.

      I think a magazine is always going to show the overly perfect. Maybe look at more expensive real estate listings in your favorite cities for some real life inspiration. My fave site is Realtor.com, but whatever you might be used to will work.

  94. Chaordic One*

    One of my guilty pleasures is “Traditional Home”. They have a magazine, but I only look at the website. The houses are not quite mansions, but beautiful and out-of-reach. It is a fun escape for a while.

  95. RL*

    I think Book was just pointing out that you may find helpful information in other threads.

    And I also believe Wow’s comment should have read, Alison has NOT appointed moderators or made a rule….

  96. Bluebell*

    Almost the end of the weekend, but if you have any plantar fasciitis advice, I’d love to hear it. Today I spent $$ on new shoes and a gel mat for my standing desk at work. And I’m doing the tennis ball thing.

    1. fposte*

      I have a theory that a few different things get lumped in under the term of plantar fasciitis, which is why results are so variable.

      For me, the stretches made things a ton worse. What helped me was making sure my shoes had cushioning (they said flipflops would be fine; they made it worse), eccentric loading exercises (you can look them up, but mostly they’re standing with the ball of your foot on a step and slowly lowering the weight in your heel, then slowly bringing the heel up again), and the Foot Log, a ridiculously ugly thing you can get on Amazon. And the Foot Log was like flipping a switch, it worked so fast.

    2. The Other Dawn*

      I’ve had it in both feet and it eventually went away. I didn’t do anything for it other than some cushioning, because I’m bad with doing the required exercises and stuff like that. Feel better!

      1. Bluebell*

        Thanks to both of you! I’m trying the exercises and new shoes and will check back next week. I’ll look at the foot log too.

    3. Rebecca*

      I had that! Awful and painful! My PA asked me to try ibuprofen 3x per day for about 6 weeks, even after the pain went away, then 2x for a few weeks, then 1x for several more weeks…it never came back. I bought fake “Crocs” shoes to put on as soon as I stepped out of bed in the AM, as putting my foot on the hard floor was excruciating. I also rolled my foot on a frozen water bottle several times a day (under my desk while at work). I tried the stretching exercises but it hurt so badly at first I didn’t continue, but just rested as much as I could, used the ibuprofen, and frozen water bottle thing. Thankfully it’s never returned. Good luck!!

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      This is totally an anecdote, and just me:

      I had heel pain, doc decided it was plantar fasciitis based on x-rays showing no bone spurs. I did the shoe inserts and swear it got worse. Then I went camping and decided screw it, I was going to wade barefoot in the stream with my children. After half an hour of extreme barefoot flexing, my feet felt better than they had in months. So I ditched the inserts and most of my shoes, only wear extremely flexible shoes (I freelance so no one at work can see my feet), and have no more heel pain.

      1. Bluebell*

        Thanks! Ironically I think I came down with it after too much standing at a standing desk. I decided to do the standing desk because my lower back was hurting. Hopefully this won’t set off other things!

      2. acmx*

        I thought I read somewhere that too much shoe wearing can weaken the foot which is why some people develop pf.

    5. DietCokeHead*

      I self diagnosed myself with plantar fasciitis. The thing that helped the most for me was buying this foot brace thing from Walgreens to wear at night. And a foot massager. Eventually, the pain stopped but it did take a long time.

    6. Mephyle*

      I had it, self-diagnosed. The things that helped were (1) to never, never wear any of my shoes that made it worse. Not for a day, or even for an hour. Any time I backslid on this, I was sorry afterwards. Finally I stopped wearing those shoes altogether. And (2) patience. It took about 8 months to go away completely.

      1. Bluebell*

        Thanks! I self-diagnosed via google after my feet kept hurting first thing in the morning. It’s only been a month or so and I hope I can get rid of it quickly.

  97. families!*

    This is late but maybe someone is still reading…I have a relative (my parents’ age) who I used to be close to when I was younger, and acquainted-like in adulthood, where we’d still talk/email a couple times a year (I’m too far for dropping in). I transitioned and for many years excused pronoun mistakes from family members. However after 15+ years (and lots of work on myself) decided that was enough time so when he used my old pronoun, I told him very explicitly I felt really hurt that he still used my old pronoun, and he said that it was just too hard (he didn’t say it is hard, but he’d try to change, he just said, it’s just too hard, a one line email that felt super dismissive). I have not talked to him since, because basically he said he can’t be bothered, which makes professions of faaaaamily closeness feel pretty fake. I am sure he noticed but it’s not like we talked a lot before, so I’m sure he just chalked it up to distance. He’s been trying to reconnect recently. I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, there is the (possibly dysfunctional) family pull. On the other, I told him something really hurt me and he just totally dismissed it. I have been wondering if I should say ok but last time we talked you dismissed my concern, and that hurts so can you use the correct pronoun noun? and see what happens (both in terms of a response and then if he actually does use the correct pronoun. How does this sound? Any suggestions?

    1. fposte*

      I think that sounds like a great idea. If he’s reconsidered his use and has realized his contact is more important than arbitrarily sticking to a habit, then great; if not, it’s clear what’s important to you and that he’s not going to meet it.

    3. Jessen*

      I’d say that sounds pretty reasonable to me. I feel like pointing out that a lot of trans folk I know say family can be pretty terrible anyway, so “family closeness” isn’t always all it’s chalked up to be. (Most of the stories that talking about families and pronouns I know go more like “so my mother decided to misgender me and then told me to change before seeing my grandparents so I don’t upset them” or something, unfortunately.)

    4. Woodswoman*

      Your decision and strategy sounds like a good one. I’m sorry to hear that you have to deal with that kind of dismissive attitude from your relative.

      A good friend of mine has been gay for decades, and married his long-time partner as soon as it became legal in Massachusetts. To this day, his mother refuses to acknowledge her son’s gayness. As a couple they eventually gave up, and now my friend who lives in another state visits his elderly mother without his husband, so they can avoid having to deal with her hurtful attitude over and over.

      This same friend’s straight brother had a daughter who transitioned in college so he is now his son. He clearly presents intentionally as a man and changed to a masculine name. Their whole family, except my friends’ mother, loves and respects him for who he is. And yet when my friends’ mother introduced me to this young man with his parents present–who has been her grandson for some time–she said it was her granddaughter and used the previous female name. There is just no changing her no matter how dismissive she is. Understandably, it has caused her sons and grandson to distance themselves.

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      Memoirish, and my favorite non-fiction book: Assassination Vacation by Sarah Vowell. In which she, and sometimes friends and family, visit landmarks from the stories of three assassinated presidents.

      For science nerds: A Primate’s Memoir by Robert Sapolsky, about observing baboons over decades.

      I’m a fan of Bill Bryson’s writing, mostly his travel stuff though the science compendium is a great long road trip book on tape; The Thunderbolt Kid is his memoir of growing up in Iowa and planning to move to Europe.

    3. Grace Less*

      “I Am Not Myself These Days” Josh Kilmer-Purcell

      “Confessions of a Prairie Bitch” Alison Arngrim

  99. Bowserkitty*

    I miss my cat so much it hurts me. I moved out of country for a job in Japan a couple months ago and started the process to bring him over beforehand (because I won’t be going back to my home country for years), so it is going to happen, but I worry about getting him here. My apartment hunt has turned up ONE place in the vicinity and I have to save up for that, but surprisingly that isn’t giving me the most anxiety.

    When I was researching airlines that allow pets, few of them allow in-cabin options for international flights and if they do, there is a weight restriction of like 10-15 pounds with carrier. My cat is 15 pounds WITHOUT carrier. Does anyone have any suggestions? I’m still months away from bringing him over (his rabies test has to sit for 6 months) but it is the biggest thing on my mind, and honestly the biggest thing affecting my own happiness. I’ve had him for 6 years since he was a kitten so he really is like my child. (Our anniversary is next week, I just realized :( )

    1. Jessen*

      It might be a bit pricey, but could you look into a company that specifically specializes in transporting pets?

      1. Bowserkitty*

        I didn’t really know that existed! I will look into it, thank you. I do not mind spending extra, and I am fortunate enough that my current paycheck allows for extra saving.

        I just REFUSE to board my baby in cargo after all of the horror stories I hear. Absolutely no way.

        1. TL -*

          If you go through a reputable company, they’ll make sure he’s in a temperature-controlled space with all the paperwork, necessities, and comforts needed to fly over. There’s several companies in NZ and several of them have never had a pet die/become injured (they advertise it prominently.)

          1. Bowserkitty*

            Actually, this makes me feel better. I always thought they’d be stuck in the same area with a bunch of hot /cold luggage and be thrown around by the handlers without regard for the contents ;(

            I worry so much. I will be looking into these things…thank you!!

    2. jojobeans*

      This is a bit late so I hope you see it: Turkish Airlines allows cats on their flights. I do think they have a weight limit (7 or 10 kgs, I think) and have only allow a very small amount of animals per flight so you usually have to inquire in advance and then make some sort of booking.

      I’m sorry this is so vague; one of my friends in Kabul regularly rescues street cats and dogs there, then finds them new homes elsewhere and flies them back so I know all this secondhand from her.

      And on a related note, she has a houseful of cats who she is trying to find homes for, so if anyone wants to adopt a cat – I can help!

      1. Bowserkitty*

        Not late at all, this is fantastic. I will look into it. I will be importing him from America though, so I wonder if they would fly from there to Japan. Thank you!!!

        Also, your friend is wonderful.

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