weekend free-for-all – September 8-9, 2018

by Alison Green on September 8, 2018

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: French Exit, by Patrick deWitt. Reviews have called this a “tragedy of manners.” It’s dark but funny, and there is money and the loss of money and scathing comments and a cat who might not be a cat, and you end up liking characters you shouldn’t like, and it’s basically a delight.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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{ 1,355 comments }

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  1. Sami*

    Any Madam Secretary fans here? I started watching it a few weeks ago (thanks Netflix!) and I really like it. Interesting and informative. I appreciate that Henry and the kids are fully fleshed out characters with storylines all of their own. My favorite characters are Henry, Blake, and Nadine.

    1. Sandy*

      I love(d) Madam Secretary! The later seasons have lost my interest a bit, but it is still a solid bet.

    2. PetrabyDay*

      I think it got a bit bland. Only watched the 1st season.
      I only tried it as I like movies where women are starring.

    4. SemiRetired*

      Yes, it’s kind of like West Wing in that it’s a fantasy of how a presidential administration should function. I was particularly impressed by a last season story arc where the pres was removed from office because his functioning was impaired due to a brain tumor. The cabinet got together and invoked the 25 th. I was like…. wow, they can do that? What a great idea…

    5. CAA*

      We DVR it and usually binge it a few times a year. I like the relationship between Elizabeth and Henry and I really loved when Madeleine Albright was on. She’s never going to win an Emmy for her acting, but she’s someone I’ve always admired.

    7. Tookie Clothespin*

      I love Madam Secretary! It’s one of my favorites. All of the characters are well developed and it shows a side of government, we don’t often see depicted.

    8. seller of teapots*

      I love that show! It’s also my go-to Netflix binge show lately. (That and Kim’s Convenience.)

      My only real complaint is that she’s always packing her own bags. No way she has time for that. Ha!

      1. TardyTardis*

        Once you do that much traveling, it becomes a quick routine. Our family could get packed for a week’s trip in an hour if we really had to (we did a lot of road trips).

    11. Nobody Special*

      Yes love it. I particularly like that they do not say what political party the president belongs to. I continue to enjoy it over the seasons though of course not all are equally good. Spoiler from the end of last season: looks like she may be running for president. We’ll see.

  3. Hello Sweetie!*

    Adventures in parenting
    I’m up at 3 am caring for my smallest child who has the worst case of Hand, Foot, Mouth diseases that the pediatrician has seen in years.

    On the plus side, she’s learned a new word, “mine” that she says when she grabs something of mine and runs away with it. And despite the sickness her mischievous smile is back, so she must be feeling better

    1. Legalchef*

      HFM is insidious and awful!! I hope she gets better soon!

      Also I hope you don’t catch it from her! I got it from my little one, and it’s miserable.

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      All sympathy. A friend’s 4-year old had such a dramatic Lyme bulls-eye that the doctor called in the rest of the medical staff to learn from this classic presentation of the disease.

    5. LilySparrow*

      Oh, I’m sorry! That is such a nasty thing to deal with.

      My kids developed a lifelong penchant for frozen fruits & veggies straight out of the bag, after their bouts with it. It was the only way I could get food into them.

      2. Owler*

        My 11yo still prefers her peas and corn frozen and not cooked. Unless they are picked from the garden, which she eats raw. At least she eats veggies?

    6. Quackeen*

      I had a terrible case of HFM when I was 5 or so. It was excruciating. Hope your little one feels better soon.

  4. Amylou*

    There was a thread yesterday about office kitchen sponges, and when/if how to throw away. It made me think of a roommate who got angry with me because I threw out a “perfectly good” sponge that had been lying around there and used for 4 weeks or perhaps even more. It was one of those cheap multipack sponges and it was looking gross! I’d even bought a whole new pack, but even then she just thought it was perfectly fine to use the old sponge and a waste to replace it already. I ended up “replacing” it by starting to use the new one and leaving the old one for her to use and she did keep using the old one rather demonstratively… sigh, roommates. Glad I live alone now.

    1. Woodswoman*

      I keep my sponges for a long time, using the trick of pouring boiling water over them when I’m draining something I’ve cooked. It works great and keeps them from getting funky.

        1. Jenny*

          I am pretty sure I’ve read somewhere that those tricks only kill the mild bacteria leaving planty of space for all the strong dangerous ones to reign supreme..
          Sigh. My parents use them for under bars of soap for /months/ and it frustates me so much.

          1. Falling Diphthong*

            Boiling water is not something bacteria can survive.

            If you’re purifying water for drinking you have to boil them, so that the cell membrane ruptures. But for funkiness of a sponge, these should work.

            1. fposte*

              Sure it is. For one thing, different bacteria have different tolerances; some create endospores that allow them to survive unless they’re autoclaved. For another, boiling water doesn’t penetrate a sponge evenly and equally and the water isn’t necessarily boiling when it hits the bacteria. Recent studies looking at the growth suggest that boiling and nuking really don’t make much difference to the bacteria population and recommend chucking the sponge after a week.

              1. Anonymosity*

                Four weeks in a month; one sponge for each week is perfect. But annoyingly, a lot of sponge packs only come with three in a pack instead of four, thus forcing you to buy more and ensuring you’re always a week behind. Grrrr.

                2. TardyTardis*

                  I use the green *of many colors) scratcher pads from Dollar Tree that usually come four to a pack (but you have to make sure you get the good ones, and not the thin ones that last for two days).

      2. Nancy*

        I spray (soak actually) both sides with bleach cleaner, let it sit and then blast it through with the sink sprayer (pre-running the water so that it is too hot to even touch).

    2. Loopy*

      Is there a good rule of thumb for this? I’m…. not the best at remembering and my fiance usually is in charge of it so we aren’t using a nasty sponge or anything, but I’d love to know so I can be a bit less reliant on his superior observation skills.

        1. Old Cynic*

          I toss the sponge every week. They’re cheap! Why try to get 6 months out of one?

          For a while I microwaved the wet sponge for a couple of minutes, but then I read that wasn’t effective.

          What really gets icky on mine is the scrubber side…bits of old food lodged in it… so I sometimes toss sooner than weekly.

      2. A Non E. Mouse*

        In our house, Sunday is Cleaning Day.

        Which means the Kitchen Sponge becomes the Bathroom Sponge (then thrown away when all bathrooms are clean), and a new sponge is put out in the kitchen.

        We probably waste sponges, but 1) they are cheap and 2) in a week’s time a sponge gets a LOT of use in our kitchen, and those dang bathrooms have got to use up whatever life is left in them. (life with mostly boys is….gross).

    3. Kelly*

      I always cut my sponges in half when I get them, you never really need a whole one and then it doesn’t feel quite as wasteful. We usually use a fresh one each week.

    4. Courageous cat*

      I only use a dish brush and have never ever used a sponge to do my dishes. Too gross and constantly damp in my experience. I wonder what keeps people from the dish brush option?

      1. Birch*

        Was coming here to post exactly this. People use rubber gloves, complain about not wanting to touch dirty dishes or the water or the nasty sponge… use a brush! Solves literally all of those problems! I think people just have this idea that sponges are the “right” way to do it because they’re (ironically) constantly hearing about it due to all the complaining.

      2. SavannahMiranda*

        Brushes, for me, get even more of the food particles stuck in them in a way that can’t be gotten out. And they feel to me as if they waste a good amount of soap. When using a brush I find I have to soap it constantly. It doesn’t hold the soap the way a sponge does. Sponges also allow a ‘feel’ that brushes don’t, for me. I can feel through the sponge if a certain spot came clean or needs more attention. Brushes are more removed and don’t have the tactile feedback.

        I use brushes for certain tasks. Nothing gets inside glasses or bottles like a brush. And pots and pans are brush time. But otherwise it’s sponge all the way.

        My sponge also hangs overhead in one of those three-tier fruit basket type things. It holds only a few sponges and brushes and brillos. They drain into the sink, if they drip at all. And they get 360 exposure to air the rest of the time and dry out thoroughly. No rancid sponges sitting in their own water!

      3. TardyTardis*

        The brush I love is the little vegetable brush that Fuller Brush gave out decades ago as a freebie promotional item (husband tried to sell Fuller Brush as a student, was much happier as a chemistry teacher instead). I found a sack of 9 of them on E-bay at a fairly reasonable price. A short handle and very sturdy brush material means one last a long time, especially if run through the dishwasher on occasion.

    5. Aphrodite*

      I couldn’t read any of that thread yesterday because I just didn’t want to feel as sick as I knew I’d get if I read it.

      Sponges are dirty, reportedly dirtier than toilets according to many reports ( https://www.forbes.com/sites/brucelee/2017/08/05/study-your-kitchen-sponge-has-more-germs-than-your-toilet/#6954996b5a0e ) so I am very, very particular about mine. I buy the natural ones from TJ’s, replace it once a week, and in the week it is used I microwave it not for one minute but three. I do make sure it is sopping wet when it goes in the microwave.

      As for work, it is why I would never use any dishes or cups in there and I will not touch the sponge. Many of them haven’t been replaced since Queen Elizabeth I was on the throne. But seriously, I do not understand why they are not replaced on a regular basis. At least I don’t have to deal with them.

      1. pcake*

        I either wash mine in the dishwasher every couple days or thoroughly saturate my sponges with boiling water. That TAKE, germs!

        I didn’t know TJ’s had natural sponges. I’ve got to find those on my next visit.

    7. ket*

      Totally understand about hating nasty sponges…. but don’t people think about how much waste they are generating by using a new sponge a week? 52 sponges a year, for the rest of your life? I can’t take it :(

      I’m a brush person, true, but even if you’re a sponge person, think about our landfills and see if you can come up with a less-wasteful option. Cutting up the sponge is a fine start.

    2. kerlin*

      I had never heard of him but just read the profile of him that was published in Vulture yesterday and he really seems like he was a remarkable guy. Far, far too young.

  6. wingmaster*

    Bumble BFF: Has anyone had actual success in finding good friends on this app?

    So I’ve been on Bumble BFF for about 3 weeks now to meet potential female friends. I’ve only met one in person over a movie date…didn’t really talk to her much, but the movie was good. After, we texted over the weekend, and it just all went downhill after that. She starts talking about her relationship problems. Her girlfriend, who needed space from this person, dumps her the next day. I tell her, “I’m sorry to hear about that,” and she jumps to discuss about their BDSM relationship and even told me she asked her now former girlfriend to promise not to rebound…THEN she immediately jumps to ask me if I can teach her how to drive on the freeway. Again, we only met in person once…and she sort of hinted of using my car to practice, since she was anxious to drive her brand new 2018 Honda. I stopped texting her for the rest of the night. The next day, she texted me a couple times…I muted them because I had work. The next text was, “Are we still friends?” …sighs. I’ve only met her in person once…I told her things weren’t working out.

    1. Elisa*

      It’s kind of a weird set-up isn’t it? I’ve met a few people over it and none of them really ‘clicked’. Not that I didn’t have a good time when we were meeting (usually coffee or brunch) but afterwards it’s like…well how frequently should we be in touch? Who initiates? In real life you tend to be around people for a while before you start to connect (unless you’re really lucky, or if it’s between children), not just over a few hours and then hope for something.

    2. Washi*

      I find the Bumble BFF thing fascinating because making friends has always felt like dating – having a friend crush from afar, working up the courage to ask them to hang out, telling them something really personal for the first time, etc. But I’ve always been hesitant to try the app for the reasons you name, that usually I’ve hung out with someone for more than a few hours before we are texting regularly and making a lot of 1-on-1 plans, plus I’ve never met a potential friend “blind” since I’ve usually met friends through other friends or in a context like work where we spent a lot of time together first before moving to the friend stage.

      Does having experience online dating help? I’ve never done online dating, so maybe that’s why it’s intimidating to me.

    3. Lillian not Lilly*

      I haven’t used Bumble BFF, but I did try to find friends on Reddit before (either by messaging people who posted in a friendship subreddit or by making my own post to solicit messages). That didn’t go well. Everyone either ghosted me or I had to ghost them (they got creepy or intense, ended up being very boring or bad at holding conversations, we clicked so well that we were basically writing novels to each other and it was too much of a time commitment for someone I just “met,” etc.). The whole thing felt very forced and unnatural.

      I’m intrigued by the way Bumble BFF is just for women though. It seems like 99% of the people seeking friends on Reddit are guys, many of whom are looking for *only* female friends because they “get along” with them better. Maybe I’d have more luck with female friends.

    4. The Original K.*

      I didn’t even know this was a thing! I’m intrigued because I’m keen to make some new friends, but would you say it’s worth it?

      1. The New Wanderer*

        I’m curious too, but I had also done a lot of online dating over the years (I mean not recently, I’ve been married for 11 yrs to someone I met via online dating). So I haven’t tried the BFF function because I remember what it felt like to meet up with someone and immediately not click – it seems less personal in a way when it’s a potential date (could be chemistry or personality mismatches) vs a potential friend (really just personality).

        But on the other hand, I never did have any weird dating situations to put me off online dating. Okay, maybe one guy but that was more of a funny story than a weird, creepy one. I could see it as just finding someone (or a series of someones) to go out to brunch/dinner/movie with once or occasionally, and that could be worth it.

      2. wingmaster*

        I think it’s worth it to me temporarily. I paid for a month of Bumble Boost, which helps me make more matches. I’ve never done online dating before, so this whole scene was entirely new to me. In a way, I feel more comfortable now initiating and engaging in conversations with random strangers. Just haven’t succeeded in meeting more people in-person.

    5. The Ginger Ginger*

      OMG I’m so glad you asked about this! I’ve been thinking of doing this myself, and am wondering how it works. They’ve been plastering ads all over my city the last couple weeks. Because honestly, I am possibly the most boring and low key person lol, I would need to screen for people who are also chill with that. But your experience sounds exhausting and not fun :/

      Can I ask you a question? I’ve looked a little at the site, but I couldn’t find what kind of things it lets you put in the profile/etc without having to sign up. Do you feel like part of the problem is that there’s not enough information provided by you/them to see if you’re a good friend match from the get go? Is it pretty free-form as far as info you can share? I don’t do online dating at all, so I have no first hand knowledge of those platforms to get an idea of how that part works.

      1. Lily Evans*

        When I used it the profile was photos and a small-ish space for text. So you could put some photos of yourself doing activities you’re interested in along with a little text blurb about what you’re looking for.

        1. Lily Evans*

          Which is to say, yes I think the platform was part of the problem finding connections. A lot of people just had minimal info, and a lot of the profiles were nearly indistinguishable (brunch! wine! yoga! all enjoyable things, but since so many people like them it tells you very little about a person’s character). So you really had to message people to get a feel for them. Also it is a “match” style app even in friend mode, so you both had to “like” each other in order to chat.

      2. wingmaster*

        For the information/profile, I found that most of the people had very, VERY generic bios. “I like to brunch, hike, drink sour beer,” “420 friendly,” “new to the area/moved here with my significant other!” Sure, I like brunch and am 420 friendly, but what makes you STAND OUT?

    6. Lily Evans*

      I made one lasting friend from it! Honestly I didn’t use it for that long because I didn’t click with a lot of the people on there. Most of the conversations I had just fizzled out. The one friend I made is the only one I ever met up with in person and we’re still friends almost two years later. She met up with more people than I did, but I was the only one who “stuck.” I’m glad I tried it because I never would have met her otherwise, but I wouldn’t use the app for it again.

    7. MsCende*

      I’ve been on BBFF for about six weeks now, since I saw it mentioned here. We just moved and I hate not having people to talk to… but this isn’t the way to fix that, unless you like (as one other person put it) wine, yoga, and brunch. A lot of people don’t even bother putting in a text blurb (immediate swipe left).

      I’m also signed up for Meetup.com, and I have higher hopes for meeting interesting people with similar interests, and from there being able to form friendships more organically than a dating app.

      1. Marion Ravenwood*

        I haven’t tried BBFF, but I will say I’ve made some really good friendships through Meetup. It’s taken a few goes to find a group I’ve ‘clicked’ with, so don’t be put off if you don’t meet your new best friend on the first go, but it does have that sort of cushion of having a bigger group to start with and then seeing who you get on with, as well as knowing you’ve got something in common from the get-go.

      2. The Person from the Resume*

        Meetup worked for me to make new friends but what I did was get the number or FB friend a person I liked in the meetup group and started messaging/texting outside the meetup. And asking for their number/FB name was a risk of rejection. But I’ve made a few close friends through meetup that way.

      3. wingmaster*

        I’m glad the Meetup.com is working for you. I have an account, but I find all the Meetup’s I am interested are all groups of older adults. I am in my early 20’s, and most of these groups are in the 40’s-50’s range. Sure, I don’t mind meeting great people of any age, but it would also be nice to meet people around the same as as me.

  7. Hrovitnir*

    I just had a great time on Moltres day here in NZ. Yeah, I’m talking Pokemon Go. :D For the first time, I hooked up with a big walking group of Mystic players and we just missioned it between gyms. I had an appointment in the first hour of the event, but managed to meet up with this group and by the end of it I had 15 Moltres, and 3 shinies. It was cool to actually talk to some other players, normally I just hang with my friend and if we raid with strangers pretty much just wave.

      2. Julia*

        I leveled up to 37 earlier this week!

        In Japan, the first hour was super buggy, and we lost our first raid pass each to a raid we completed that then crashed. But the next went pretty well and I caught a really strong one, and my husband caught a shiny!

        1. Hrovitnir*

          Oh man, that’s an unfortunate start, but congrats! It was buggy here for the first couple of raids (missed out on the first Moltres even, even though we definitely got it), but nothing like an *hour*.

          1. Julia*

            Thank you! To be fair, it might have been less than an hour, but we weren’t willing to risk more raid passes until we saw people raiding successfully.

    2. Book Lover*

      I will be out later today, but just plan to do five, I think. The kids get bored after a bit. Stardust will be nice :)

      1. Book Lover*

        Got my shiny :). Forgot to use the star piece at first, but that is ok. More than halfway to level 40 and I didn’t use a lucky egg either, oops :). No rush, really.

      2. Hrovitnir*

        5 is definitely enough! Still 100 k XP, if you’d remembered an egg. :D

        We had one kid in our group, but he was almost a teenager and full of beans.

    3. kerlin*

      Awesome! I’m stuck at work until the last hour, hoping I can hook up with our local group to at least get a few raids in. 3/15 is a great shiny rate.

      1. Hrovitnir*

        Did you manage it? Was pretty stoked with 3 shinies; one guy only got one right at the end, was 0/16 or something before he got it. Another guy got 6 though!

    4. Cruciatus*

      I just got back from our Moltres Day in the US. The first one we beat it in like 20 seconds (probably too many in the group) and then the servers crapped out–but it kept counting down in the gym! I thought I had wasted that pass but eventually it sorted itself out (not that I caught it). I got one shiny and caught most of the others, even though they weren’t “perfect IV”. Some people in the group wouldn’t even try to catch them if they were below the perfect CP number. Well…OK. I was disappointed lucky eggs were only 30 minutes–I only had 2. But at least I got level 36 off to a good start (I just leveled up earlier in the week) and my star pieces really had a workout today as well. Will have to use the final two I have Sunday and Monday before the extra stardust period ends.

      1. Hrovitnir*

        Aw, yeah, not even bothering to catch if not perfect isn’t really my favourite attitude. None of mine were perfect, but I’ll take 96% thankyouverymuch.

    5. ChimericalOne*

      I caught 2 shinies!

      It’s funny that this is right below a thread about trying to make friends, as I’ve met a ton of people through Pokemon Go. We’ve got a Facebook page for our city and smaller Facebook Messenger groups for folks who live in different neighborhoods. People arrange raids and meetups (for trading, Community Days, & just socializing). It’s really awesome. I’m level 40 & my husband is right below it (and my mom is not too far below that!)

      1. Book Lover*

        Me too – I always have people I can meet and raid with, or go to lunch and trade with, and go to community day and parks with :)

  9. Khlovia*

    Something a little different: I disagree with the author about a scene in a story I’m critting.

    Alexis, of Gender A, and Brook, of Gender B, have been dating casually for several weeks. Alexis is friendly, cheerful, and popular; Brook is quite opposite.

    Alexis has lots of casual dates with assorted members of Gender B. Alexis has never concealed from any of their dates that Alexis is dating around; Alexis has never pretended to be exclusive or committed to anybody. Alexis is just doing their sociable thing and having fun. From Alexis’s perspective, Brook is just one member of a sizable collection. Alexis and Brook are not a couple. The word “love” has not arisen between them and they have not had sex. They’ve kissed a few times; maybe got as far as second base once or twice.

    Brook fancies themself passionately in love with Alexis, enthusiastically admiring Alexis’s physical appearance and speculating hopefully upon Alexis’s potential sexual availability–but has nothing positive to say about Alexis’s personality. Every trait Brook does not share is viewed by Brook as a fault, a negative. Nevertheless, Brook has unilaterally decided the two of them are going to get married, without bothering to run that idea past Alexis.

    Eventually, Alexis stands Brook up on a date–got the day mixed up, or just forgot, or had an emergency; Brook doesn’t know and doesn’t bother to find out. (Scene is set before cell-phones.) Brook’s next act is to go to Alexis’s home and more or less read the Riot Act, huffily reproaching Alexis for their “disrespect”, and dumping them.

    This scene is a flashback from three years ago. Throughout about two-thirds of the book, Author had led Reader to believe the relationship was deep, exclusive, passionate, committed, and, Brook (Protagonist) believed, mutual. Then the flashback shows that none of these things were true. Nor is it the first time Author claimed one thing but showed another–without seeming to be aware of the disconnect.

    So at this point I kind of lost it in my crits. After yelling for about a page about all the things wrong with the scene, the characterization, and the stalkerish expectations of Protagonist, I add, “They aren’t a couple so there’s nothing to break up. All Brook need do is stop calling. That would be less rude than stomping over to Alexis’s house and pitching a belligerent and presumptuous guilt-tripping hissy. If Brook just stops calling, Alexis may eventually notice, but won’t care a bit, since they have Chris, Dale, Eddie, Frankie, and Gerry in their little black book.”

    So I’m recommending to Author that Protagonist would actually look better to Reader if they would simply maturely accept the fact that Alexis just isn’t that into them, and ghost Alexis rather than stage a melodramatic official dumping. Opinions, please! Is society’s edict against ghosting so absolute I should leave the scene alone, or do the particulars in this case make the grandiose farewell speech superfluous?

    1. Blossom*

      Well, is it in keeping with Brook’s personality? It sounds like it is. And some of my favourite books let the reader assume one thing before revealing the truth. Jane Austen’s Emma is a great example of how the reader is led to go along with the protagonist’s baseless assumptions for a long time.

        1. Khlovia*

          Ideally, that would be the case. Unfortunately, since Brook is very much an Author Avatar, what it really shows is that Author’s view doesn’t match reality. This is why I am seeking opinions on whether ghosting might ever be considered a mature, reasonable response. I am not asking for assistance in lit crit.

          1. SavannahMiranda*

            Oh absolutely ghosting is a mature, reasonable response. In exactly the situation you described. When you are one in a stable of several or many, when the inequality of your investment versus their investment has become clear, and when the target person one is hoping to become exclusive with effectively ghosts first, or simply drops the ball one way or another.

            One wants to scream. Ones feelings demand a nice cathartic tell-off session. But one’s dignity is better served by a strong spine and a stiff upper lip, at least as far as the recipient of one’s affection is aware.

            It’s possible to be as pathetic as one wishes over a bottle of wine and a tub of ice cream in a hot bath playing the same shitty song over and over (not that I know anything about that). But the recipient of one’s disproportionate affections doesn’t really need to know anything about how that went down.

            Ghosting can in fact be very dignified.

            Does our author, via our author avatar, really really need to be validated for their past histrionics and cathartic flouncing? If the author neeeeeds to tell this story in order to, what, vindicate their version of history? Then there’s really nothing you can contribute. It’s not about the story or the characters, so there’s no opening for you to provide improvement.

            Nice story, bro. That may be about all the author is available to hear.

            1. Khlovia*

              LOL. Too much on target.

              My best guess, knowing Author, is that they did *not* stage the big melodramatic dump scene IRL–but always wished they had, because that would have “shown” their Alexis. There are a number of scenes in the story that smell of an attempt to make certain RL events come out more satisfactorily. LilySparrow used the term “therapy book”.

              Author is not stupid. Perhaps I can take the tack of bringing to their attention the notion that not having done an official dump scene IRL was indeed the more prudent and beneficial outcome, and they will feel better. I may even be able to convince them that while DIY therapy must be tolerated in fanfic (if one tolerates fanfic), it is not appropriate in professional writing.

              Dang, it’s annoying to have to be so vigilant about one’s pronouns!

      2. AlphaBeta*

        Yup. It sounds like the scene is in character and the narrative may be intentionally misleading. You can flag it as a question, but I wouldn’t rant about it or make sweeping declarations of how to rewrite it! It sounds like a reasonable take from how you’ve described it here. You not liking or agreeing with it doesn’t make it wrong.

      3. Khlovia*

        To anybody who knows Author (and I do, very well), Protagonist is very obviously an Author Avatar, as well as a MaryGary SueStu. With a superpower, yet. The intrusive omniscient narrator is unmistakably on Protagonist’s “side” throughout the book. We are told, as canon, about how superior Protagonist is to every other character–all of whom are cardboard so thin as to be translucent. All the female characters are either sluts or helpless damsels; all the male characters are either weaklings or Snidely Whiplash. Or both at once.

        In short, subtlety does not seem to be one of Author’s best things.

        By the end of the story, Protagonist has learned nothing, and is still jumping to self-aggrandizing conclusions with regard to their relationships with persons of the opposite sex–they’ve just changed targets. And, three years in-universe after the flashback scene, Protagonist wants to call Alexis up to tell them they forgive them. Man, attempts to gender-muffle do awkward things to English.

        Bottom line: Please take my word for it that Author wants to present Protagonist in as positive a light as possible. To that end: Under the given circumstances, which is better: Dump all Brook’s unreasonable expectations all over Alexis, as though Alexis actually had “done ’em wrong”, and then dump Alexis; or get a clue that Alexis’s view of the relationship is not at all what Brook wants it to be, and Alexis gets a vote–and operate on Alexis’s premise, not Brook’s. My assertion is that ghosting under these circumstances would be more socially acceptable than emoting at Alexis reproachfully for thirty minutes, during which Alexis finds out for the first time that Brook thought they were a couple. I am attempting to reality-check that with the commentariat. Is ghosting = bad an absolute rule regardless of circumstances? That is the only question I am asking here.

        As a matter of fact, I know Author well enough I think I can guess which ex “Alexis” is standing in for.

        And Emma didn’t fool me for a minute. Indeed, I never got the impression Austen was trying to mislead the reader at all; I thought she signaled fairly clearly throughout the book that Emma was kind of a doof. Nice kid and all, but a doof.

          1. Khlovia*

            There are so many things about the book to love! It’s so frustrating! I’m like QUIT SHOOTING YOURSELF IN THE FOOT ROWRBAZZLE FRAKKIN’ GRRRR!

              1. Sack of Benevolent Trash Marsupials*

                This is great. I thought I was the only person who routinely uses the word “rowrbazzle” in conversation. Long live Pogo!

        3. Amtelope*

          I think you’re rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic. You’re describing a pretty terrible book, and whether Brook is cast in a good light by their behavior in this scene or not isn’t going to fix the problems you describe in this comment. I would seriously consider not critiquing further chapters of this book — if nothing else, feedback from a beta reader/editor who thinks your book is fundamentally terrible isn’t usually very helpful.

          If you really want to fix this scene, though — I think either ghosting or confronting would be OK, but the emotional core of the scene probably needs to be Brook realizing that Alexis didn’t believe they were a couple. If the author wants Brook to be sympathetic and Alexis not to be, there need to be actual reasons for that disconnect. Maybe Brook referred to them as a couple before, and Alexis let that slide without correcting Brook’s assumptions? Or Brook has talked in generalities about how much they want to get married, and Alexis has said “sounds cool” without adding “but not to me, obviously”? I think having there be some reason for this misunderstanding other than “Brook is deluded” is probably more important than exactly how they break up if the aim is to keep reader sympathy for Brook.

          1. Book Lover*

            I was trying to find a good way to say this. I can check grammar and spelling on anything, but fundamentally, I think it is hard to edit a book that you just don’t think is very good. Unless you plan to rewrite it yourself, and it sounds like you and the author are just on different wavelengths.

        4. Amtelope*

          Also: I think if you’re dating someone casually, it’s okay to ghost. But if Brook thought this was a serious relationship and did not get that they weren’t a couple, I’m not sure Brook would be inclined to ghost rather than feeling they had to break up. If the author is open to having Brook understand that this is casual, despite having hopes for more in the future, I think ghosting would make more sense.

    2. Kali*

      I’m agreeing with the other comments; it sounds from the description that what you don’t like is Brook’s actions, though they are in character, so that’s not a narrative problem. I’d love to read that!

    3. Square Root Of Minus One*

      Well, none of us has read the book so we can’t be good judges. (Especially not me since I neither read nor write romance.)
      That being said, I agree with Blossom and Kali.
      IMO, expecting all characters to take the reasonable action every time would make for very boring books. And in your description, as I understand it, the relationship is casual, but Brook does seem deluded about it and might have been upset by the sudden reality check.
      If the reader watches the story through Brook’s lens only, and the book is well written, Brook’s shock is very likely be shared by the reader.
      Seems like not a bad thing, but an interesting twist. More something I’d appreciate than something I’d criticize.

      1. Khlovia*

        Unfortunately, both Protagonist and narrator exit the scene without having learned anything. Brook experiences neither shock nor reality-check. Brook never realizes that Alexis was simply never very into them; for three years in-universe (before getting to the flashback scene) Brook mopes about the great traumatic break-up precipitated by Alexis’s vile, unforgivable betrayal. And Narrator never realizes the implications of two small sentences that completely turn the picture upside down, for any reader who understands a little about how the world works. And, I don’t want to keep harping (see my other replies in this thread), but there is plenty of internal evidence throughout the book that in fact Author does not understand very much about how the world works.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          Both Protagonist and narrator exit the scene without having learned anything.

          I think this is a far greater problem that ghosting yay-or-nay. Someone could write a sympathetic character who in the past had gone all-in on a romance that existed only in their head, and learn from it. Having a better-in-our-universe emotional reaction to discovering the engagement was in Brook’s head wouldn’t save the story from all these other flaws.

          There is plenty of internal evidence throughout the book that in fact Author does not understand very much about how the world works.
          This is going to be an ongoing problem in writing compelling characters who respond in believable ways.

    4. Loopy*

      To me this actually sounds like something that could happen in real life. People have different views of the same thing ALL the time and their perspective can vary wildly from the reality of it! I can imagine hearing Brook relaying this to me and having no clue they were not an actual couple, even if I, the observer, could see that a mile away.

        1. Neela*

          Why are you investing in a book when you have such obvious disdain for the author? (I could also ask, why are you seeking input here when you’re disagreeing with everyone who doesn’t reinforce the opinion you clearly already have?)

          1. Khlovia*

            Disdain is not what I have for the author. However, yes, I am invested.

            As for the comments here, actually I feel most have been very useful and informative. Collectively, I’m getting what I wanted from them, a read on the general opinion(s) (and definition) of ghosting out of a relationship.

            I debated whether to present the question without making my own opinion obvious, but I thought it was more important to conceal the genders, and by the time I got done extracting all the pronouns by main strength and determination, I hadn’t any mental energy left for the other endeavor. I decided that knowing my opinion was unlikely to skew the responses, whereas knowing the genders might have.

      2. AvonLady Barksdale*

        This is exactly the premise of the great Doobie Brothers hit, “What A Fool Believes.”

    5. AliceBD*

      As long as the author understands that they are making Brook an unreliable narrator and did it on purpose, I think that everything you described sounds good and fine and would be interesting. Unreliable narrators are another layer to books. I would do a single check in to make sure they knew what they were doing but it is a single calm sentence and I don’t think anything needs to be rewritten.

      1. Khlovia*

        Alas, your conditional does not prevail. Author does not seem to get it. Thinks Protagonist is a martyr.

    6. Falling Diphthong*

      Ghosting has existed for a long time (it’s why butlers would ask if madame was at home)–it’s just that in modern times there are many more platforms on which to ignore people.

      This definitely sounds like a situation where you can fade off. Or have a “look, we want different things, I’m moving on” talk. If Brook is supposed to be sympathetic as a protagonist, this would not be a good reveal.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        After looking at the other comments, I’ll add two things:
        • Like other tropes, unreliable narrator can be executed well or poorly. (“Hiding the gender” is one of those that in English, with gendered pronouns, usually becomes eye-rolly well before the big reveal.) Nothing like a twist that lands as a two-day-old fish. On the other extreme, a reveal can come across as just poorly executed characterization and plotting, rather than a satisfying twist that puts previous actions in a different, but still coherent, light.
        • This stuff would render the protagonist pretty unsympathetic to me. Could be overcome, but only if the silliness is addressed. I’m reminded of the painful last in a mystery series, which I think was intended to land as “Jane achieves perfection” but for me hit as “I am rethinking Jane’s first husband’s convenient pre-series death in a car crash just as he was about to leave her.”

    7. Ender*

      It honestly sounds to me that brook is an unreliable narrator and the author is well aware that brook is lying to himself.

      I think your critique should focus more on the fact that the unreliable narration is being done a little clumsily, so the reader is unsure whether brook is unreliable or it’s just bad writing. With the best unreliable narration it becomes slowly clear little by little without that moment of “well this is awful writing”. but I’ve also read books / seen movies where I’ve had moments like this – so angry at what seems to be awful writing – but by the end it makes it clear that the writer knew what they were doing all along.

      Getting angry at the writer because you don’t like a characters behaviour is kind of pointless. It’s certainly not an unrealistic scene. When I was an adult teenager I was casually dating a guy and asked him if he wanted to go exclusive. He said no, and that weekend I slept with someone else. He found out through a mutual friend and came down to my house and broke up with me. Even though we weren’t going out – even though he was the one who had decided not to go out with me – he still expected me to stay faithful to him. Looking back I think it’s hilarious that I once got dumped by a guy I wasn’t even going out with. But yes people like brook absolutely exist and behave that way in real life.

      The very fact you’re getting so angry about it shows you’re invested in the book which is usually a sign of pretty good writing actually!

        1. Blossom*

          So, I mean, it sounds like a bad book, and the real problem is that your friend has problematic views on relationship norms. Maybe you’ll get more helpful answers if you post it as “settle a dispute – is it acceptable to ghost in X circumstances, or is a formal break-up warranted?”.

          1. Khlovia*

            Yep, I totes should have presented it as an IRL problem. My original post above, long as it is, is actually the TL;DR version. I think I cut too much.

      2. Khlovia*

        Oh, I know they exist in real life. The utter entitlement….

        However, I feel I have good internal evidence in the book that Author is not well aware…of much of anything. See my other responses in this thread.

        The character Brook spends the next several years convinced that they broke Alexis’s heart just as deeply as Alexis broke their heart (because how could Alexis not have been devastated by the loss of such a superlative person). Did you get any sense of that from your Brook?

        And did you find it hilarious at the time, like during the actual dump speech; or were you slightly alarmed by all the unwarranted emotion being poured all over you so unexpectedly; or were you just bewildered, exasperated, insulted–? Asking very nosy questions for a friend.

        1. valentine*

          Can you quit the crit? Maybe you’re too close to Author for them to accept your perspective, or cosigning is what they really want from you. It sounds like you’re not on the same page, such as with Brook or the narrator needing to learn/not having learnt anything.

          1. Khlovia*

            At this point part of me would like to quit the crit; and yep, Author definitely wants cosigning rather than honest crit. But I feel I can’t, for Reasons.

        2. Ender*

          I was pretty taken aback at the time and a bit upset (don’t forget this was a guy I wanted to go steady with – he was the one who said no). But by the next day I was just annoyed – how dare he dump me! We weren’t even going out! Within a year it was a hilarious anecdote.

          Getting “alarmed by unwarranted emotion” isn’t really my style. I don’t even remember if he displayed any emotion during his dump speech. I think I got annoyed with him before the end of the speech though.

          I don’t remember in that much detail tho – it was 20 years ago!

          1. Khlovia*

            Thank you; I hope you realize I’m going to use all of that in an upcoming conversation with Author! It was kind of you to take the time.

            1. Ender*

              Sure tell it to the author. I have actually said it to the guy in question myself years later and he was embarrassed by his behaviour. Especially since I did it in front of his brother and a bunch of our mates (we all hung around in a group). It was very funny.

              I take it from your posts that the author actually did this to someone and you are going to confront them about that?

              If so, this could well be the end of your friendship. Fair warning. You’re going to have to decide which is more important to you – their friendship or that they understand they were in the wrong regarding a casual fling years ago. Personally I would leave it be.

              1. Khlovia*

                I dunno about “confront”; if I address it directly at all with them, it will be with the purpose of helping them feel better about it–because they’re not a confronty type either, and my bet is they didn’t really, but wish they had. If I can get them around to thinking, “Glad I didn’t, after all,” it could loosen up the emotional grip on the scene.

                It’s nice, or encouraging, or something, that your guy achieved the maturity to feel embarrassed about it.

                1. Ender*

                  Well he was only a teenager himself at the time so I think he can be forgiven for not being perfect. It’s not like he hurt me or anything!

    8. Winter General*

      Ghosting is a shitty immature way to treat anyone. It’s always better to speak up. A character ghosting another would come across as a really awful person to me. The charscter’s reaction as written sounds very normal to me.

      1. Ange*

        I disagree. It’s better to make things clear, yes, but if the person you’re breaking up with is abusive or is going to try to harangue/guilt you into staying, then I see nothing wrong with ghosting.
        Plus if you’ve only been on one or two dates, I don’t think you’re owed all that much emotional labour.

        1. Khlovia*

          Thank you, Ange. I don’t think the character Alexis is abusive, but I appreciate your perspective. I believe that the characters are supposed to have been dating for a few weeks (it is not made clear), but the Reader–unfortunately not the Author, as far as I can tell–immediately perceives that from Alexis’s point of view, considering all zeir other dates, it is strictly a casual thing with no great emotional involvement on either side. Alexis would neither provide, nor expect, emotional labor. From Alexis’s POV, Brook suddenly pitched a tantrum, for no discernible reason.

    9. LilySparrow*

      I think that type of scene is actually pretty realistic, as long as a) Alexis’ responses in the scene are realistic, and b) it’s part of a larger story arc about Brook’s self-deception. I mean, a protagonist is supposed to change, so how does this change Brook?

      I see from one of your comments that Brook is an avatar. I don’t think ghosting is more realistic or sympathetic, or makes a better story – it’s just your preference. People do crap like this in real life all the time.

      If I were critiqueing the text, I’d tell the author that this revelation made me lose sympathy & respect for Brook, made me feel cheated, and I’d ask how it changed the character or affected their long-term growth.

      When I’m critiqueing, I don’t think it’s my place to dictate what “should” happen in the plot. I just tell how things affected me, what was believable or not, clear or unclear, and ask questions about story structure, character development, etc.

      If your author is writing a Mary-Sue therapy book, nitpicking plot points to try to make the protagonist more sympathetic is not going to work. Just tell them it reads like a Mary Sue, that Brook’s self-centered delusions make you sympathetic to Alexis, and that if Brook’s takeaway 3 years later is about “forgiving” Alexis instead of learning that Alexis wasn’t in the wrong, that makes Brook look seriously creepy and emotionally stunted.

      The author will take it extremely personally and will not thank you for it. But that will be the case about any less-than-gushing reaction to a therapy story.

    10. Traffic_Spiral*

      Ok, so there’s a serious 300 Days of Summer vibe to it – but if the author doesn’t realize that his character is deluded, there’s not much you can do to fix that. You can write “I realize that you are going for the “unreliable narrator” trope where the reader realizes halfway through the book that the protagonist is wildly mis-remembering the situation, but you should make it more clear.” However, if the author really thinks like that you can’t change a world view.

    11. The Ginger Ginger*

      I personally think a legit ghosting is only ever reasonable if physical or emotional safety is on the line or if the recipient of the break off has been is going to be unreasonable in some way (like, continues to argue about how your reasons for leaving aren’t good enough, yells or otherwise carries on). A simple call to say, “hey – this isn’t working out for me but I wish you well” (or in this day and age a text) is what I think the appropriate level of breaking off would be in this situation. They’re not dating so it’s not an in-person break up level, but this is a person that was at least nominally enjoyable to hang out with and and engendered some positive feelings, so, yeah. A quick conversation/notification is warranted. It can be short and not in person, but a polite heads up is mature and kind. If they try to force continued unwanted contact or something after that, then ghost away!

      But if Brook isn’t a reasonable character? Or she’s not mature or kind or whatever? Then sure, she could ghost. It just depends on what the character is supposed to be like and how the reader is supposed to feel about Brook. That should be the deciding factor in Brook’s behavior.

    12. Falling Diphthong*

      So to riff on ghosting as a thing:

      This has existed since it became possible to have a relationship (of some form) with a person that you wouldn’t run across in the flesh at regular intervals. (So if all the people you know are part of your hunter-gatherer tribe of 100-odd, you can’t ghost anyone.) The relationship is instead mediated through letters, through the butler, through a phone, through a chatroom. If people won’t respond through the medium through which you’re trying to reach them, you’ve been ghosted.

      In a non-romance version, online fora often run into “What ever happened to regular commenter?” who has stopped posting. Sometimes they were known to others in the thread through other contexts, and you learn that they passed away, or have gotten busy elsewhere, or were hideously offended and stomped out. But usually they just vanish without explanation, ghosting the forum. And that is often a tad disappointing to those who remain, but not seen as a major faux pas. Nor a circumstance where “exactly why I have decided to spend less time with you people” is a useful post to make.

      At the other extreme is the famous letter that characterized ghosting as “moving out of our shared apartment of several years to a different country while my SO was away, with no note” where it’s commonly agreed that that’s way out of line. Even in pretty extreme relationship circumstances, your departure from a once-close-person shouldn’t be impossible to distinguish from “died” or “was kidnapped.”

      If you want to end a serious and exclusive romantic relationship, it’s considered proper form to give some sort of clear, unambiguous message that this is done on your end–don’t ghost, don’t fade, even though the conversation will likely not be fun. But as the length and mutual intensity slides, opinions sincerely differ as to when there is a relationship to formally end. If someone replies “ha ha cool” to one tweet, they don’t incur an obligation to reply to all your communiques until a formal end-of-relationship talk has been had, lest they be guilty of ghosting. I recall a discussion on here about indirect communication, and how it works fine in a monoculture where the rules are understood. It doesn’t work if people sincerely or deliberately fail to pick up a message. I think most of us have rolled our eyes at someone interpreting a clear–to people hearing third-hand, even–lack of interest as part of an elaborate ruse to disguise the refusing-to-date person’s true ardor for the speaker. That’s where one person’s “ghosting” becomes another’s “don’t respond to your stalker in any way, including negatively.”

      In the hypothetical here, I think Brook’s acceptable responses to discovering that Alexis doesn’t view this as a serious and exclusive relationship include having an “I’ve realized we’re on different pages; wish you well; bye” conversation or just fading–Alexis might not notice, if Brooke had always been the one to initiate interactions. If Alexis contacts Brook, Brook can launch into that speech or just be busy, hoping that Alexis gets the message after Brook is too busy three times in a row. So I don’t think a full on ghosting–refusing to respond to any communication from Alexis–is called for, but neither is a formal “so now we are through, forever, due to your actions” talk.

      1. Khlovia*

        Your thoughtful unpacking of all that is really helpful. I think if I lay it out for Author that way, there’s a chance they might get it.

    13. Ann O.*

      What about Option C: focus your crit in helping the author rewrite ALEXIS’s actions so that the relationship is more in line with what the author appears to want to portray?

      Based on your comments throughout the thread, it seems to be that the author is clearly trying to portray a certain kind of relationship. You believe that the relationship written is not that, which has a negative impact on the character of Brook. So IMHO, the logical course of action is to help the author portray what they want to portray.

      (but also, remember that norms are not absolute… it is very hard to comment on this without having any idea what Author actually wrote about Brook/Alexis’s relationship, but you also want to be absolutely sure your critiques are generally valid. Think about all the critical thought pieces on Edward/Bella’s relationship in Twilight, even though the reality is that relationship was wildly popular with the target readers.)

      1. Khlovia*

        That is certainly one viable way to go, and I will include it in my suggestions to Author. Thank you.

    14. Khlovia*

      Thanks to everybody who participated in this thread. It was really helpful and gave me a lot of food for thought, which is exactly what I was looking for. I appreciate y’all taking the time and letting me pick your brains.

  10. Julia*

    Tokyo Meetup! I think matcha123 aren’t the only ones here, so if you’re interested in meeting fellow readers in Tokyo, please email me (don’t worry, this is my spam email account) under turtle_fangirl23(at)yahoo.com.

    In related news, it looks like we’re staying here for the foreseeable future. I have no career prospects in my home country unless I branch out a little here first (Japan lets you work in other areas as long as you speak the language and seem smart enough), so now I’m looking for jobs at big global companies with lots of PTO and the possibility to request a move to a European branch in the future. I still don’t love it, and I have a lot of dreams about home these days, wishing I could just pop into my grandma’s house for some cake, but I also think that a part of me probably wants to stay here or I’d desperately be trying to move away. All my friends are here (seriously, even my German university friends all live here), it’s safe and convenient, and with more money we can buy more imported food and other comfort from home. But I’m still not sure if I’m making the right choice…

    1. MissDisplaced*

      I think it’s one of those things where you just have to give it x-years. You know what I mean?
      Agree with yourself you will stick it out at least that long, and evaluate at that time. Nothing is forever, but it’s good to try!

      1. Julia*

        Thanks, but my grandma is 96, and I’ve been in Japan for a while, so I know whether I like it here or not, I just have to make some hard decisions while also avoiding job-hopping again.

    2. Anagram*

      Is there such a thing as “lots of PTO” in Japan, unless you are a university teacher, and that’s nowhere near close to a big global company?

      1. Julia*

        I’m actually considering teaching part-time at a university, because my professor (just got my master’s) said he’d introduce me to some jobs, and I’d love to teach. I just worry that I’ll maneuver myself into a career dead end because I couldn’t continue teaching in Europe (no German teaching license, would have to spend five years earning one) and my resume is already kind of spotty…

  11. Anon for this*

    So… is it alright to talk about birth control here? It’s… a bit graphic? (Please delete if it’s inappropriate!)

    Anyone have experience with oral contraceptive woes? I just started the pill 2 weeks ago, and haven’t stopped bleeding. :/ I started with a lower dosage pill, but switched to a higher dosage on Thursday at a doctor’s recommendation because the bleeding started getting heavier around day 10 + mild anaemia issues. The bleeding stopped getting worse, but its still going on.

    Most advice I’ve seen about breakthrough bleeding recommends continuing the pill and that it’ll sort itself out in about 3-6 months… But most imply that the bleeding is irregular, not every day. My boyfriend’s in favour of foregoing the pill and just using a condom, but after a late period scare I thought I should at least give this a shot (we now use both the condom and the pill).

    So yeah, any advice on how to proceed from here would be extremely helpful?

    1. Brelade*

      Was the doctor concerned about the bleeding when they reviewed the dosage? I’ve heard of people having awful issues with intermittent bleeding but haven’t had it myself – just hated the pill after trying a few and came off it.

      1. Anon for this*

        He seemed pretty unconcerned. Said it’s not uncommon on lower dosage. I was hoping the new medication would clear it up, but so far no dice.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          I might ask the doctor about a different formulation–I’d had no problems on the pill in my 20s, but then a different formulation in my 30s (post kids) didn’t work well. There’s definitely an aspect of biochemical fit to different balances of the active ingredients.

          1. Anon for this*

            That’s pretty comforting to know. I hope I figure out the right formula soon, my options are cheap medication and a 3 hour (!!!) waiting time for consultation, or an immediate consultation with medication that costs 4x the amount. Sigh.

          2. Old Biddy*

            This – most doctors realize that not every formulation works for everyone. Back when I was on birth control, I got shifted to a new one when my health plan changed their formulary. It made me miserable and things didn’t improve after one month. Dr switched me to a different one that was better for me. A few years later I lost 50 lbs and had to switch it up again.

        2. Epsilon Delta*

          So, from my very layman-understanding, spotting can be normal but it sounds like you are pretty far beyond that if you’re having anemia issues(!). Does the doctor know the full severity of your symptoms and still does not care? If so, I would be looking for a second opinion. If you have been downplaying them or being vague now would be the time to be very clear and descriptive, preferably with numbers. (How many pads a day, how anemic you are, etc)

          1. Anon for this*

            The anaemia is actually not unexpected – I’ve had mild anaemia issues for years (got it from my mother), so it’s more a case of blood loss exacerbating it rather than the pills causing them. The symptoms are still manageable, and I’m being careful to take more iron rich food/supplements as needed.

            If it continues I’ll definitely go back. Possibly on a day the female gp is on shift – the guy was super helpful and earnest, but I do feel like a female doctor would probably understand better if I go into detail about how heavy I consider the bleeding, etc.

            1. Rainy*

              One thing that can help is, if you can use a cup, most cups have measurements on them so you can track how much you are bleeding every 12 hours, note it down, and then take it to your GP and have actual measurements. I’ve heard that this can be compelling for GPs who are otherwise pretty blasé about menstrual bleeding.

              1. Anon for this*

                That’s really good advice, thanks! It’ll probably help for a more accurate diagnosis. I’ve never used a cup before (I’m pretty used to pads) but it may be a good time to look into it.

                2. epi*

                  Tampons also have standardized capacities across brands, if you’re comfortable with them. Keeping track of what size and how many you go through will also make it possible to estimate how much you are bleeding. I’m not sure about pads but since you are familiar with them, you may at least be able to keep track and estimate something like “3 typical periods’ worth of pads.”

                  I hope you get this figured out soon!

              2. The Ginger Ginger*

                Also a cup user, here to say – if you want to look into trying a cup (in general and for this specific purpose) google “Put A Cup In It”. They have a ton of excellent advice, and a great online community, and actively try to be very gender inclusive in all of there content. They are a great resource to help you get up to speed.

              3. Mephyle*

                Any beginner cup user is highly recommended to check out the LiveJournal cup forum. You will find everything you need to know there: first-time problems with solutions from more experienced users who have been there done that, choosing the best cup for your body and where to buy it, and the 8 (or however many) different ways to fold a cup for insertion, so you can try them all and use the method that works best for you.

    2. Square Root Of Minus One*

      Talk to your doctor about that, just what you told us, and see what they say, really.
      We readers don’t know you. We don’t know what age you are, if it’s normal for you to menstruate more than a week, we don’t know anything relevant.
      In matters of health, random people advice on the Internet usually does more harm than good.

      1. Anon for this*

        I’m in my mid-twenties with a normal 6 day bleeding period, but point taken about not knowing about my situation and searching the internet for advice.

        1. Junior Dev*

          I agree with what you said about trying to see a female GP. I think men are more likely to not take women’s health comcers seriously (I mean “the concerns of people who are women,” not “Women’s Health” as a euphemism for health related to uteruses and related body parts).

          1. ket*

            It’s worth a try, but the only person who cut me with the speculum in a pap smear so I bled enough to need a pad was a woman, and my eventual emergency-ish OB-GYN who was fabulous & midwifish was a man. Medical school spares no one.

    3. TL -*

      Keep talking to your doctor. There are lot of birth control methods besides whichever 2 brands of pills y’all’ve tried or condoms, so if it’s really intolerable or if it doesn’t settle down in a few, you can try others.

      1. Anon for this*

        True, though I wasn’t particularly enthusiastic about many of the others (I was thinking of trying the implant, but I’m not sure if it’s such a good idea now that the hormonal method doesn’t seem to be working so well).

          1. Anon for this*

            Thats true, it may be a good option. Although after reading the comments about people’s experience with IUD insertion downthread, I’m not sure if it’s the best for me. I’m tiny (5″1) and quite skinny, so there’s no way an IUD is going to go in without hurting (And likely cramping, since I have a history of that too..)

            1. Rainy*

              If you have a history of cramps, the copper IUD is usually a bad fit, as it exacerbates them.

              Mirena and the smaller 3 year progestin IUD might be good. Yes, they will hurt going in, but if you are not in the US or have good insurance or are willing to pay, you can get a local put in your cervix before insertion and the insertion can be guided with an ultrasound. My Mirena was inserted in a country with decent health care and it went very smoothly from the doctor’s perspective and only hurt a teeny bit: I had ultrasound guidance and a local in my cervix and I was super happy with my Mirena for some years. When it expired and I had it out, PP in the US couldn’t get a new one into me, but that’s another issue. I’m really tempted to call the clinic that put mine in in Canada the next time I’m up there for a visit and see if they can fit me in.

            2. Melody Pond*

              Well, yeah, I don’t know of anybody who had an IUD insertion pain-free. But that doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with your stature – it’s the size and depth of your uterus that matters here.

              One of the hormonal IUDs might actually be worth considering – because they’re placed locally, I believe they need much lower doses of hormones to work, than the pill. And from what I’ve heard, they generally get rid of periods and cramping, aside from some light spotting every couple months or so.

            3. Kj*

              I’m small and I loved my IUD- the insertion wasn’t fun, but it wasn’t horrible either. My doc gave me meds to help it go better and she was very good. I only took it out when I wanted to get pregnant and the day I give birth, I’d scheduling for it to go back in. I had the hormonal Mirena and it got rid of my period for five glorious years and prevented pregnancy. I’d say it is worth a conversation with your doc.

            4. ket*

              Happy with my copper IUD, but it exacerbated my periods & did hurt a bit going in (1 ibuprofen was plenty; less bad than cramps). That was post-partum, though. Loved my NuvaRing. Stopped only due to concerns about DVT as I reached 35 yrs.

    4. Anna*

      I quit one brand of pills because of unusual bleeding that left me anemic. A different brand (linessa) worked for me. Sometimes it’s worth trying a switch.

      1. Anon for this*

        I just got put on yaz/yasmin from microgynon. Its been quite eye-opening seeing how many different brands of oral contraceptives there are.

        1. Ender*

          Yasmin is also a pretty low dose though isn’t it? Weight matters too – if you are in the obese category then most branded pills just won’t work for you.

          When I hit my late thirties my doc told me I could go for a lower dose pill and put me on Yasmin. I actually asked the doc to take me off Yasmin and put me back on the higher dose one because I still felt like I was ovulating (I know my body really well – when I was trying for a baby I could literally feel ovulation happening sometimes).

          Look at the backs of the packs to see actual dosage and google your weight and age and dosage advice on a reliable health website and then go back and ask your doc about trying a higher dose one.

          Definitely don’t stop using condoms until you are sure it’s working.

          And remember I am not a doctor!

          1. Anon for this*

            Well I’m… borderline underweight, actually. But thanks for the tip about the websites! I’ll go check them out.

    5. AliceBD*

      Keep talking to your doctor about it. I’ve had some brands not work well for me and others do fine. I personally have not had bleeding on any of them but have had some other undesirable side effects and my doctors have worked with me over the years to try different ones.

      It’s also fine if you want to discontinue the pill. You can still use other birth control options besides condoms. Your choices are not just pill+condom or condom. Talk to your doctor about your options.

      1. Anon for this*

        I’ve looked at other birth control methods and was pretty unenthused by most of them to be honest… But maybe it may be time to revisit those.

    6. Myfawny Thomas*

      I agree with others- it often takes a bunch of tries to find the right fit for your body’s hormones. I tried 4 or 5 pill types before finding one I didn’t intermittently spot or bleed while taking. I was happy as a clam for 10+ years on that pill.

      When they stopped making that pill, I ended up getting an IUD, which is, for me, THE BEST. But keep talking to your doctor about what works for you.

      1. Anon for this*

        What’s the IUD like? I’ve always thought it sounds pretty uncomfortable but a lot of people seem happy with it.

        The other issue is finding out how expensive it is in my country (non-US/Europe). For some reason, their approach to contraception is pretty tight-lipped unless you’re in front of an actual doctor, and they tend to promote abstinence, which is pretty ridiculous in my opinion.

        1. Regular going TMI*

          You don’t feel it at all post-insertion. A lot of my friends had pain during insertion and bad cramping later that day but after that it goes away. (I got mine at my postpartum checkup so I just felt a small pinch, my poor cervix had been through much worse.) I have a hormonal IUD, so it has different effects than a copper one. It made my period turn into spotting, which took much of a year to become regular. My sex drive is lower than it used to be but i don’t know if that’s because of the BC or the child-induced sleep deprivation and lack of spare time for romantic stuff, I lean toward the latter. If those issues sound acceptable it may be worth looking into.

          Good luck, the bleeding sounds awful and a bit alarming!

          1. Regular going TMI*

            PS i should specify, given your current experience, that when i say “my period turned to spotting” I mean it was much much lighter, less consistent, and shorter. I only even need to use a menstrual product a couple times a year. Not the kind of “breakthrough bleeding” where you worry about anemia.

            1. Rainy*

              When I got my Mirena, I finished out the period I was on during insertion, had a normal period at the normal duration the next month, and the second Mirena period I would have had was 2 days of extralight spotting, and then I didn’t have another period until the Mirena expired and I had it out.

          2. TardyTardis*

            I’m glad they have new IUD’s, the copper one I had gave me totally ghastly periods and I am very happy I don’t need to worry about that any more.

        2. WellRed*

          The IUD is five years of not thinking about birth control. I had mild cramps when they inserted it. That’s it.

        3. AdAgencyChick*

          Getting it put in was horrible. My doctor told me that I could just take a couple of aspirin before the procedure and I’d be fine. Ha. Getting dilated was really painful and then the rest of the day I had what felt like the most intense menstrual cramps ever. I’m told it’s easier if you’ve had a child already (because it’s the dilation of the cervix that hurts so much, and if your body has already done that one or more times, it’s easier for the doctor to do it).

          After that, it was fine.

          1. ket*

            It’s interesting to hear this. I don’t remember the dilation part really at all…. did it even happen?… but I did have a kid first.

        4. blackcat*

          I have had a copper IUD for 7 years. I love it. In most places, it is cheaper than the hormonal one. Lasts up to 12 years.
          Insertion hurt like a b****, and I did actually feel it when I twisted for about the first year, but that went away.
          Artificial hormones and I did not agree with each other. This has been the best. A+, highly recommend.

          1. Julia*

            I’ve heard that copper iuds aren’t recommended for women who already have heavy bleeding or cramps, though.

        5. kerlin*

          Totally agree with everyone else here – I went from oral pills to an IUD (Mirena) and adore it. Getting it inserted was pretty awful – not pain, just weirdness, whole body shaking as hormones were released, cramping. I rested for a day and was back at it the next day and don’t think about it at all now, ever.

        6. Middle School Teacher*

          I got mine done when I was on holidays and I’m glad I did; insertion day was horrible for me but I’m a big wuss haha. Some eight months later my period is still unpredictable and I do get uncomfortable cramps around that time but otherwise I don’t even think about it. Super convenient. I have a hormonal one.

        7. epi*

          I had a Mirena (hormonal IUD) and loved it. The insertion is uncomfortable but it was worth it because I kept the IUD for the maximum amount of time. Also when I say uncomfortable, I mean I started taking ibuprofen a day before, needed a few minutes before I was ready to get up and get dressed, and was able to take the bus home and have kind of a quiet weekend on my own just fine. I’ve probably had worse trips to the dentist. There was occasional cramping the first few months that gradually decreased on its own.

          Hormonal IUDs make many women’s periods lighter and mine stopped completely, which was awesome. They also deliver a much lower dose of hormones than the pill, so I wouldn’t automatically rule them out based on your experience with BC– your doctor will be able to advise you better.

        8. Polyhymnia O'Keefe*

          Another plug for an IUD. I’ve had a Mirena for 8+ years (well, two different Mirenas), and haven’t had a period in 8 years. When I had it replaced, the doctor told me that I may see some spotting before it evened out again, but I didn’t; it just carried on smoothly with no difference.

          When I got the first one, I experienced a few days of cramping, a few weeks of discharge, and a few months of light periods/spotting, but they all eased up in a manageable time frame. The insertion (both times) was uncomfortable-to-somewhat-painful, but not excruciating. A nap afterwards and a couple days of taking it easy (the first time in particular), and it was back to normal.

          I recommend it to anyone, honestly; or at least, recommend that anyone who needs long-term birth control at least explore the option with their doctor. It’s been one of the best medical decisions I’ve ever made, and I feel like too many people don’t consider it an option.

        9. Ktelzbeth*

          I also have a Mirena IUD and have not had children. It has cured my menstrual cramps. I do have some light spotting monthly–just a pantiliner’s worth for a couple of days. I’ve had three put in, because the first fell out. None have been comfortable and I’d go so far as to say it hurt, but the last was the best because my doctor (a male) has a policy of not using a tenaculum (a pincer to grab the cervix) unless he actually and absolutely has to. He didn’t for me. My female doctor before him used one as a matter of course. Just one of the reasons I love my current GP.

        10. Reba*

          We have had open thread discussions in the past about IUD experiences (I can think of at least two times)–so maybe give the site a search for those.

          There are lots of IUD horror stories on the internet. Obviously, nothing is risk free and I have a lot of sympathy for those who experience device failure or injury. But my feeling is that the positive, no-problems perspective is not as well represented out there online–no surprise, if people have nothing to report! They are almost 100% effective and I love, love, love mine (Mirena, now on generic Mirena). I have had no periods for 7 years–this is amazing not only for convenience but also because I was frequently borderline-anemic before. I often bled a lot on the pill(s).

          Although this wouldn’t help you with price and availability in your country, you might get some good information about all your options by looking at the websites of Planned Parenthood and Scarleteen (aimed at young adults but very informative). Sorry if that’s obvious or you have already done the research! But there really are a lot of options to explore.

          Good luck!

    7. Pharmgirl*

      When I first started birth control I also had extended bleeding – I think it got to 3+ weeks. My NP actually told me to stop the birth control for a week (i.e. just let my period happen), and then restart with a new pack. It actually worked for me, and this might be something to ask your physician about, but please keep in mind that you will NOT be protected from pregnancy for up to 7 days after you restart the pack.

      Either way, definitely reach back out to your doctor! There are many, many options of birth control pills, and it may just be a matter of finding out what works for you. Most OCPs are combinations of estrogen and progesterone, and different people need different doses of each, depending on when breakthrough bleeding occurs. It can certainly take up to 3 months for the body to adjust, but that doesn’t mean you can’t ask to switch earlier if you don’t feel like what you have is right for you.

      1. Julia*

        Is it possible that in your case,, you started the pill mid-cycle? Then that doctor’s advice makes sense to me.
        That said, I started a pill (Visanne) mid-cycle because I could not bear the thought of another period from hell, and barely spotted for a few days. Haven’t had any bleeding in over two years now.

        1. Anon for this*

          Hm well I switched over at the 13 day mark with this one because of the bleeding, so maybe I should get to month 2 before I decide on this one?

          I’m kind of dreading my next period at this point though. I’ve got another week before I’m due to stop the pill for my period, but the non-stop bleeding is really tiring (literally, since my energy flags from less iron in my body).

      2. Anon for this*

        Thanks! It good to know my experience isn’t unheard of. I’m a but resigned to this being a bit of a trial and error to find what fits for me, but hopefully it’ll clear up once my body adjusts.

    8. Rogue*

      One other thing to consider…were both pills made with the same kind of progestin? I cannot take pills made with levonorgestrel. They cause the kind of bleeding you’re talking about. If you decide to switch, you may want to change progestins if these two pills had the same one.

      1. Anon for this*

        Microgynon has levonorgestrel, I believe, but I’m not sure about yasmin. I’ll go check, thanks!

      1. Anon for this*

        Wow, that’s quite a lot (Though fro. This thread, I’m thinking it’s not actually that uncommon now…) . Thanks! I’ll keep trying to find one that works.

    10. Dr. Anonymous*

      Totally call your doctor. Options are to ride this out a few more weeks, change pills again at your next cycle, consider Mirena or Nexplanon, etc. It’s fine to call your doctor to discuss what you want to do next. This is why doctors have phones.

      1. Anon for this*

        Alright, thanks!

        Do you know if nexaplanon can cause similar issues though? One of the reasons I’m on oral contraceptives is to see if there are any side effects, and consider the implant if all goes well. It has… not gone smoothly, and since both methods are hormone based, I’m wondering if the same side effects might occur.

        1. Indie*

          I had Implanon for ages and loved it; irregular to begin with but settled down into no symptoms, a mild regular period, five years of not thinking about it. Replaced it three times. However I had friends who tried it and hated it.
          They discontinued Implanon and replaced it with Nexplanon. It was godawful for me. Yet I had friends who swore by it.

        2. Dr. Anonymous*

          The first three months of Mirena and can be heavy or light or otherwise weird, and then you tend to settle down into whatever rhythm you’re going to have. Because they are steady state progesterone only with no estrogen you may not get a good preview of how you’ll respond based on the pills.

    11. Videogame Lurker*

      My first month had an extended period, but the second and beyond had a nice, scheduled six day pattern. May have been because I started on Day One of that lovely week because cramps hurt/emotional spinning dart board is awful/have them every month but not in the same week with little to no warning (at the time, my doctor was convinced I just needed to go out and exercise more, but I get my energy drained over that week and when I have work, I generally Fake Absolute Energy before coming home and sleeping for an hour or more, the monthly but not schedualable thing was chalked up to me being in my teens despite having periods since I was thirteen or so and had PMS while menstruating instead of the weeks before).

      TLDR, I take a low dose for PMS, and in my first month I had an extended period. I didnt go to my doctor at the time about it because I was sure it was because I started taking the pills while on my period, or because it was my first month.

    12. DrTheLiz*

      I have a copper IUD. Having it inserted is jusf awful – don’t eat first and take the rest of THW day off so you can sleep. After that it has made my periods heavier and my cramps worse, but if I’m diligent with taking ibuprofen as soon as I feel a twinge (and whether or not I do every 6 hours during the period proper) I do all right. Sometimes need a heat pad ad well but usually not. It’s also worth starting on a 5 year copper coil as it’s smaller.

    13. Indie*

      My mother and sister rave abut the coil and have been using them after all other methods failed; its been going happily for them for a number of years. When I mention this to people they repeat all the old horror stories about the old-style IUDs but it bears absolutely no relation to that anymore. I so hear you on the anaemia issues, and I ended up taking on my own boyfriend’s suggestion of just using condoms. It was always something with the oral stuff, I tried loads and am so happy now that it’s just me again.

    15. Phoenix Programmer*

      For peace of mind with condoms – fill with water after your done cuddling and glowing with each other. If it drips you know you need planB.

      Hubby and I used this for 5 years no issues. It’s also nice that you can immediately attempt pregnancy if you ever want to. Plus the pill is clearly wrecking your body. It’s also a little known fact that most of the hormone is excreted in the toilet and NOT cleaned by sewage treatment. All these hormonal based pills are worse for the environment than rubbers.

  12. Kali*

    So, I have an update on the drama I posted about last week. Feel free to go back to last week’s post and search by my name to find out more, but I don’t think you’ll be missing much if you don’t. Last week I didn’t understand what was going on, and I theorised a lot based on my own issues, which was confusing. Now, I have a better grasp on the situation.

    BF’s friend’s wife’s birthday dinner is tomorrow, and BF asked her to add me to the table as a plus one, assuming it was just a formality. She refused, saying she’d found me rude. This seemed to come out of nowhere, and we racked our brains about what might have happened but genuinely couldn’t think of anything serious enough to provoke this reaction. Mr A put it down to a personality clash, but, yesterday, finally told BF what it was. I study biology, and, about a year ago when we had dinner together, I talked about one of the modules I was taking, and this was related to a personal trauma they were going through at a the time. Think a medical student excitedly talking about a human dissection they’d just done to someone who’d come from their grandparents wake. The topic was so normal amongst biology students that I didn’t stop to think that laymen would be less comfortable, which, yes, was absolutely insensitive, and I am truly sorry for being so thoughtless. I didn’t know about their personal trauma, but I still should have been more sensitive about the topic in general and read the room better. I was definitely in the wrong for that.

    Unfortunately, what prompted Mr A to confess was a post of mine on another site where he has apparently been stalking me for about four months. I exaggerate a bit because I’m upset; BF once shared a post of his with Mr A which I commented on, and I imagine Mr A hit follow and then didn’t really think about it, until he spotted I was writing about an event he was linked to. That said, he’s purposefully disguised his own username as he only uses his account to follow people he knows, so it is a bit creepy.

    Short version is, the whole issue triggered some of the PTSD from growing up with an abusive mother, who told me no one would ever love me or want me around. That’s what my post was about. A long explanation of why my rejection issues had been triggered, and then my question; am I allowed to stop wracking my brains and thinking of myself as a horrible person, and just accept they’re going through something and be prepared to issue an apology when appropriate?

    Knowing what I actually did definitely helps with my rejection issues and PTSD; I completely understand why Mrs A doesn’t want to be around me, and why neither of them wanted to talk about it even to the extent of explaining what the problem is. I also know that I wasn’t intentionally cruel, just thoughtless and insensitive, and those are things I can definitely work on, they’re not arbitrary “no one will ever love you because you’re trash as a human being” factors, like my mother told me for most of my life.

    The As thought that I knew Mr A was reading, and that I did know what the problem was, so therefore my post is lying and being manipulative. I guess it was so traumatic for them that they can’t imagine it not standing out to anyone else involved. They’ve convinced themselves that my post about my abusive childhood and mother issues is full of coded digs at them, and just trying to manipulate strangers on the internet to be on my side. BF pointed out the holes in that theory to Mr A, but I have, unbeknown to either of us, been in full BEC territory with Mrs A for the best part of a year, and the fact that I exist is now a source of annoyance to her. I mean, I did step on her recent and ongoing trauma pretty hard, so it’s not totally un-understandable. She’s now saying she will never talk to me again, which, again, if that’s what she needs to do not to be triggered, sure. Looking back, she did that at her wedding, but I just assumed she was too busy with her new husband and her family rather than the best man’s plus one, and it didn’t bother me. It won’t be a big deal to do that for the rest of our lives, it’s not like they have a group get together more than once every six months. I would still like to apologise, but, as I said, the fact that I exist is now a source of pain for them, so probably best not to remind them unnecessarily.

    The next event at which we might all be together will be BFs birthday, so it’ll be interesting to see how that goes. BF has decided not to go to the dinner tomorrow and let the dust settle instead. There are so many politics and triggered traumas involved that I think him managing this friendship entirely on his own is the best option.

    1. Julia*

      I have a hard time imagining a topic that comes up in regular biology classes that is so traumatic for A that she would never ever speak to you again. Unless you made a comment like, “women suffering from infertility aren’t really biologically women anymore, haha”, which I doubt, it’s really hard to know whether A is just over-reacting or whether something else is going on here.
      Anyway, I’m sorry you’re having a rough time. :(

      1. TL -*

        Yeah, I’m a biology major and worked in disease labs and basically get grossed out by nothing ever … and still, I don’t think I’ve ever had anything more than someone say, “Oh, can we not? We’re eating/that’s a big graphic/that’s a sensitive subject.”

        I mean, maybe someone has and I’ve just never noticed them never talking to me again, but that seems a pretty extreme reaction to what was presumably an academic discussion.

        1. Kali*

          I’ve thought about it, and decided to reveal what it was, on the grounds that they can hardly be any more mad at me at this point.

          I was talking in detail about feotal development and interesting experiments in development biology, and possibly interesting effects of chromosomal re-arrangements, and they’d recently gone through a miscarriage. They’ve presumably been trying since then, and may well have gone through more miscarriages within that period. Again, I genuinely had no idea, but it is something I should have been more sensitive to.

          1. Kali*

            I didn’t remember the conversation, but I was going based on what I was studying at the time. BF has just reminded me, I was talking about clonal experiments, for instance, splitting frog embryos with hairs and sticking albino embryos to those with normal colouring to show that the growth continued as normal.

            1. Jenny*

              Without having any experience with either pregnacies and miscarriages, this subject would squick me. And I am in the health service and used to talking about feces over the finner table and would find the subject of decomposing bodies interesting and likewise willing to discuss that while eating. That being said I don’t think I would still cease all contact with you.

            2. Ender*

              To be clear – you were talking about experimenting on human embryos? Or just animal ones? Did you make it seem as if you don’t think of human embryos as people? That you think it’s ok to split living human embryos and combine them with animal or other human embryos?

              If you had just lost your dog, and then someone started talking about all these experiments they were doing cutting up living dogs and sticking them together, you’d be pretty BEC with them too!

              1. Kali*

                Experiments with human embryos are unethical and can’t be done. I was describing historical experiments on frog embryos. As I said, I don’t recall the conversation, but I might have touched on modern cloning techniques, and on three-parent embryos, which are human. Those embryos are born and raised as normal children though – it’s a technique to increase fertility, not an experiment. We also don’t typically experiment on dogs; the limit is usually mice. As species get closer to humans there are, rightfully, more and more restrictions on the experiments that can be done, balancing the usefulness of the experiments for techniques to improve the health of humans vs the ethical restrictions.

                As I said, based on what might have been discussed, I was out of line. It’s totally understandable that people might be made uncomfortable by those topics. I just didn’t stop to think because it is such a normal thing to discuss in my field (genetics), and BF didn’t notice because it’s a normal thing for me to tell him about. Definitely something to be aware of in future though.

                1. Ender*

                  Well if you made it clear that you don’t think it’s ok to experiment on human embryos, then yeah I can see why you think she was overreacting. Experimenting on frogs is no worse than eating meat after all!

                  But as I said in a post below in her head “embryo” probably means “baby I loved and had bonded with” so I imagine that meal was extremely excruciating for her.

                  FYI in other countries that are not so strict there are plenty of experiments being done on human embryos. Some human-animal chimeras have even been produced. I’ll see if I can find the link.

                2. Ender*

                  Actually I don’t even need a link – if you google human animal chimera you’ll find tons of articles – from pigs that have had human livers growing in them, to human embryonic stem cells that have been combined with animals.

                3. Kali*

                  I may not have made it clear; like in my post above, I may well have assumed it was obvious and didn’t need saying. Also, there is definitely a little scientist in me going “I get that it’s bad…but did those experiments work?!?!?!”.

                4. Ann O.*

                  Honestly, I don’t think you were out of line. To me, this is a perfect example of something I often think in social justice circles: just because someone was hurt, doesn’t mean someone else did something wrong.

                  You had no way of knowing that they had a personal trauma. I also think not all people who had gone through their personal trauma would have had a problem talking about animal embryos and cloning experiments. Your topic is an interesting topic to a lot of people. If no one asked you to change the subject or expressed discomfort with the topic, how could you have known? At most, you may need to work on reading the room better to pick up on signs of lack of interest or discomfort, which is a general skill that many of us can always work on because it can be easy to get caught up in our own passion for a topic and not notice that we’ve turned a conversation into a monologue.

                  Maybe this is a general personality clash, but they sound narcissistic to me (in the common sense of the word–not Internet diagnosing them!). They should be capable of understanding that you weren’t doing anything to them–you just didn’t know all the information.

                5. Kali*

                  Ann O., I think you’re right. The phrases “you hurt me” and “I didn’t mean to hurt you” aren’t contradictions, and I think people would communicate better a lot of times if that were better understood. A lot of discussions I observe online seem to devolve into versions of those two statements being repeated because they don’t actually address one another. The two states of intent/not-intent and hurt/not-hurt are related – it’s easier to hurt someone if you intended to, and if I truly didn’t meant to hurt you, then knowing that did should modify how we interact in future – but they don’t equal each other.

                1. Kali*

                  I agree, and the experiments she’s referencing really aren’t that bad. They’re using other organisms to grow human organs for transplant. Another option would be to create a stem cell, either by converting the persons own skin cells into stem cells or by using a human embryonic stem cell, and inserting that in the correct location, with the instructions to grow into the right kind of organs. Highly controversial research that has to be handled delicately. The ideal solution would be converting adult cells back into stem cells, but it’s really, really difficult. Anyone who manages is likely to be a shoo-in for the Nobel.

                  All that said, I can see why someone might be upset by the topic if they’d recently gone through a traumatic experience involving embryos, and I do know lots of people aren’t particularly interested, or have strong anti-abortion feelings which the topic would trigger. I just didn’t know any of those things were the case in this specific scenario!

                3. Ender*

                  Well you are of course entitled to your opinion, but telling a woman who’s just lost an embryo she considered to be a child that her embryo was not a person is exactly as rude as telling a woman who just took the morning after pill that she’s killed an innocent person. You are entitled to your opinion, but it is very rude to shove it in the face of someone with the opposite opinion who’s just suffered a traumatic event.

                  If you are truly pro-choice then all that you would care about is the opinion of the pregnant woman on the matter of whether her embryo was a person or not, not your own opinion.

                  Of course, in this case OP didn’t realise that mr and Mrs A had just suffered a miscarriage, but from their perspective the hurt was just as bad.

          2. Julia*

            It was probably not the best topic if you knew that they’d had a miscarriage. But as a woman who has a potential diagnosis of infertility, talk about embryo experiments wouldn’t bother me that much. I might consider you somewhat insensitive if I knew that you knew, but if not, I guess for me, the more biology advances, the more chances we have to produce healthy babies?

          3. Not So NewReader*

            You are taking all this quite well, I think.

            Here is a person who basically believes that you must mind read what her upsets are and diligently avoid those topics. If it had not been a blow up over this, then it would have been another blow up over something else later.

            There’s dozens of ways to handle this, they were not without recourse. Mr. A could have whispered to your BF, “There’s been some problems here, warn your GF to avoid talking about babies.”

            OR Mr A, could have said in the moment, “eh, let’s talk about something other than babies, kids, okay?”

            There were quite a few times that my husband cued me in as to which topics to stay off of, likewise there were times I would be the one “in the know” and I’d tell him, “Let’s not mention X.”

            It’s a good life skill to have, very useful.

            That said, very seldom have I seen a medical conversation at meal time go well. Whatever the medical topic is someone gets upset, that seems to happen more often than not. I have a pretty strong stomach. I was sitting at a dinner with family/friends and the topic turned to a particular surgical process. I think of myself as fairly resilient with these things. The topic went on and on, we got down in the weeds and went over minute by minute how this is done. About 20 minutes into it, I had to stop eating. Later the group did agree no extensive medical talk at the table. Stuff comes up, “I have to have a test or a surgery”, and that is fine. It’s the long, detail conversations that seem to kill a meal for some folks. Had this not happened to me personally, I probably would have been much less aware of the impact of these conversations for some folks.

            1. Kali*

              To be fair to Mr A, I think he’s pretty devastated over the issue as well, but finds it harder to admit to that. I do understand why it’s been so hard for them to handle it well., as it was pretty insensitive of me to discuss that topic amongst laymen, even not knowing the issues they were dealing with. I would rather have been told “don’t discuss that” than “you’re a horrible person and we don’t want to be around you”, but I do get it. It’s taken me years to be able to handle it well – or even just not-horribly – when people accidentally step on my parental trauma, so I can hardly blame them for not being able to handle this perfectly.

              1. Not So NewReader*

                In very general terms everybody did the same thing. They touched a subject or action that upset each other.
                To be honest, I would not trust her to be my friend, if were me. That opportunity would be over. I would always be walking on eggshells wondering when the next bombshell news item would drop and how much crap did I step in now.

                And if I am being fair, I have done something similar myself. An acquaintance said to me after my husband died, “You’ve been moping around here for two months. You need to get over it and go get another man.” Thinking quickly, I realized there were so many things wrong with this statement the only solution was to distance myself from this person. I just did not want to deal. And I suspect you may not want to deal even if a friendship was offered at this point. It’s too much work. She can be an acquaintance and retain that status in your life.

                I do think that it is good that you understand what is going on with you and how this dragged stuff out of your past. Every time we look at this stuff, we reframe, rethink it to some degree and we grow a little stronger even if we don’t see it in the moment.

          4. Nita*

            Okay… you are not a horrible person!!! I cannot put enough exclamation points on that. With all due respect to the A’s loss, they are extremely touchy and slightly insane, and if you can say good riddance to them that will probably be a good thing.

            Yes, miscarriage is sad. Yes, some people take it harder, or at least have a harder time mentally separating their loss from other things in life. No, life does not stop while they grieve. No, there’s not going to be a blanket ban on discussions of biology, babies, or parenting anywhere they might find themselves. No, no one can be extra sensitive around them if they haven’t told them what’s up.

            1. Juxc*

              I agree. I have my own triggers and sensitivities but it’s so exhausting to have to constantly walk on eggshells in all social situations lest you offend someone, especially if they haven’t made their triggers known to you. Policing other people’s speech all the time (even with friends!) is just not right. OP sounds like an awesome and interesting person and I would love to hear her stories, especially since I have a rather boring job.

      2. Kali*

        I think there’s a healthy dose of not really liking me in the first place. BF suspects that there are other factors we don’t know about.

        1. Triplestep*

          When I first read your OP here (didn’t see last week’s) the first thing I thought of was that this couple was dealing with infertility, miscarriage or late term loss.

          But now that you’ve done on to describe it further, I think you are right that there may be a healthy dose of just not liking you in the first place. I am not a scientist, but I used to work in Big Pharma creating workspaces and labs, and I currently work in healthcare doing the same. Having worked around and for scientists, I think you may be the kind who is regularly “not reading the room” and perhaps that is why they do not like you. I like hearing about what the scientists and doctors I work with are doing when I’m at work – I actually need to as part of my job – but even I would not want to hear about fetal development and developmental biology in a social setting.

          In fact very few people want to hear industry-specific in-the-weeds details of other people’s work in a social setting, and if they do want to know, they will ask. (I get lots of design and construction questions, and then people’s eyes glaze over when they hear about what they *thought* they wanted to hear!)

          I’m not saying you’re a terrible person – I am sure other scientists would love to talk to you about this stuff. And while I’m not quite sure I understand all that happened with the online drama, I do know that the other couple is guilty of not using their words. Seems like there’s room for improvement on both sides, but in your case, I think you just need to get better at picking conversational topics and improving social skills. You’re hardly alone in that, though – just ask your scientist friends!

          1. Not So NewReader*

            Totally agree with this.
            Or it could be that she decided not to like you from the start and just keep looking around for reasons to validate her decision. Unfortunately, because of the legitimate huge sadness in her setting, it’s not clear exactly where her intentions were. I’d chalk it up to getting started on the wrong foot with no opportunity to set things back on track. Sometimes stuff goes this way. It’s sad.

          2. Kali*

            I think that’s a fair read. It’s a bit of a mind-bomb for me to hear that some people aren’t absolutely fascinated by developmental biology. Like, I believe you, but I don’t really get how that works. Something I’ll just need to remember by rote rather than understand intrinsically, I think.

            1. Forking great username*

              Yeah, if that’s a mind bomb…I’m sorry, but it’s probably hurting you socially. I find the details of this stuff to be a strange combo of gross and boring to listen to. Not that I would tell you that if the topic came up at a dinner party! But everyone has different interests. I’m in education and will sometimes tell funny anecdotes from the classroom, but I realize most people not in the field are not going to enjoy listening to me go on about IEPs, LREs, different kinds of classroom management, student-centered classrooms, “I can” statements, etc. The inability to realize that others aren’t as interested in a topic as you are is commonly going to be construed as rude. That doesn’t make you a terrible person! But probably means you need to focus more on being aware of others in social situations – trying to listen more than you talk (especially in a group!), reading the room, etc.

              1. Kali*

                I’m really not as socially unaware as you appear to have gathered from this one specific topic. I just generally hang out with other scientists, and I was being a lot more tongue-in-cheek in that last comment than I guess came across in writing.

                For additional context, I do remember Mr A graphically describing his bowel movements at that dinner, as an attempt to get a reaction from me. Thinking back, I may have been more inclined to discuss biology as an attempt to show him that he wasn’t going to embarrass me with that sort of thing. That’s not really a situation that’s likely to arise again.

                1. Nita*

                  Just… what?! Yeah, they’re not great dinner company and I think I might have reacted similarly. If leaving the room wasn’t an option, I’d say something to show how not-grossed-out I am by all things biological. If it seemed like the discussion of body functions is an attempt to make me uncomfortable, I’d be very clear I’m not uncomfortable in the least, just to shut it down for future meetings.

              2. Triplestep*

                Yup, if it’s a “mind bomb” to find out that not everyone is interested in your stuff, you have a lot of work to do. Essentially what you’re saying is “everyone would be just like me if they only could – they would study what I do, want the career I want, etc.” And from there people can assume you think it’s a shame not everyone is as smart you are, and they need you to put things in layman’s terms for them. If you are searching your memory for a time you’ve ever said anything like this … don’t. You needn’t have to have said those words to be coming across that way. And if it’s a revelation that others might not be interested in your academic and professional interests, then yes, you probably do come across that way.

                There are a lot of posts here telling you that you did nothing wrong because you could not have known Mrs. A had suffered a loss – don’t listen to them. What you did wrong started a long time before the incident you described. That was just the last straw for a couple that finds you to be self-absorbed. (And I still don’t understand all the online stuff totally, but I would say that putting intensely personal history out online for others to read and comment on is the act of a self-absorbed person and probably solidified Mr. A’s opinion of you.)

                Again, you are not a terrible person an all is not lost. You can *learn* social skills. When I met my husband about 18 years ago, he had spent way too much time reading SciFi and not enough time talking to people. Lucky for me I met him at a time when he had intentionally set out to be more comfortable around people and develop social skills because the lack of them was seriously impacting his life. My husband today would hardly recognize that guy from 18 years ago (and he still likes SciFi!) You can do this – you really can. But first you need to own your level self-involvement.

                1. Kali*

                  I think you’re reading far, far too much into a single, tongue-in-cheek comment. I don’t find the armchair diagnosis or the advice appropriate, accurate, or helpful. I would like you to stop.

                2. Ender*

                  FWIW I think triplestep is probably accurate in her interpretation of mr and Mrs A’s opinion of you. Lots of people do think that if you talk about your work assuming everyone else is as interested as you are, that you are self-absorbed. And lots of people do think that posting personal info online publicly and non-anonymously is very attention-seeking and self-absorbed.

                  I don’t really agree with all that myself. I think so long as you’re not actually hurting people do whatever you like. But I definitely know a good few people who would consider both those actions to be really self-absorbed and attention seeking. I’d bet good money that mr and Mrs a are like that and hold that opinion of you. I don’t think you guys are compatible at all as friends.

                  But hey, that doesn’t have to be a big deal. Life would be very boring if everyone liked each other!

                3. Kali*

                  I don’t think it is an accurate interpretation, though I can appreciate how it might look that way based on the limited information I’ve chosen to share. Remember that this is my real life! There are other things happening, such as other interactions I haven’t described, and BF’s 10+ year history with the pair, that mean I’m confident in stating that this isn’t the case, while also being aware that I, like everyone else, always hold bias when it comes to myself. It’s the insistence that this must be the only right and true interpretation that I’m not enjoying.

              3. Bibliovore*

                Forking! Me, me, me!!!!! I wat to sit next to you at a dinner party. Mr. Bibliovore coaches me before we go out. “No one wants to hear any funny stories about the kids at school”

            2. Bibliovore*

              Its that reading the room thing for me too. How can anyone not be fascinated by children’s books, children’s book art, child development, pedagogy, and research? Sad.

              On the other hand, this does give me an opportunity just to sit back and listen to Mr. Bibliovore’s friends talk about Bob Dylan, the ’60s, beat poets, and independent presses.

              1. Bibliovore*

                oh and yes Kali, I did get that you were being tongue-in-cheek about the “mind-bombing” hence my own exaggerated wonder.

      3. SavannahMiranda*

        I may be reading into this based on personal experience, but I also jumped to infertility and particularly miscarriage. Maybe I’m wrong. I hope so! That or some kind of cancer, or a chronic disease.

    2. Waiting for the Sun*

      Sorry she’s treating you this way. I wonder if she’s just envious of your interesting work and sees you as a threat.
      People often have friends of friends whose company they don’t especially enjoy, but they don’t ban them unless it’s something really egregious, which doesn’t sound like the case.
      Mr. A sounds creepy, BTW, following you online like that.

      1. Ender*

        The woman had just lost a child, she may well have had to have a d&c and literally have the embryo split apart. Whether she had a d&c or not she probably went through a lot of physical pain as well as the mental pain of losing her embryo. In her head most likely the word embryo = “baby I had bonded with and loved dearly and then had tragically ripped from me”.

        She then had to listen to someone explain in detail how embryos are split apart and put back together and how this is so cool and exciting and isn’t that awesome.

        “She’s just jealous” is an extremely unlikely reason for her hatred of OP.

        OP, I actually find the topic interesting myself, but I think that bridge is well and truly burned. There’s no coming back from that.

        Also, Mr A seems to be under the impression that OP knew he followed her, especially since he thinks she wrote he post aimed at him. There’s nothing creepy about following someone on social media. There’s also nothing creepy about using a fake name on social media. I mean, your parents didn’t name you “waiting for the sun” did they?

        1. Kali*

          It is helpful to hear a lot of different viewpoints on the subject.

          I do find it a bit disquieting when I remember all the things that Mr A now knows about me. It’s not like I think the internet is private, it’s more that I assumed that there was a small chance that people I know personally would find me, and that, even if they did, they would care about the specific topic I was talking about. So there were things that I probably wouldn’t have shared with him, had I known I was doing so. That said, he probably has a totally different idea about what the internet is for – people do.

          1. SpiderLadyCEO*

            I think the fact that he was following you on a website and assumed you knew about it, and is making judgements about you from things you posted that you had no clue he was following bizarre. Like, yes, we do post things knowing other people will read them, but he was internet stalking you and not giving you the chance to do the same thing by letting you know what his username was, and then expected that you knew. How on earth were you supposed to know who he was?

            To be honest, this couple sounds a little unhinged to me.

        2. Waiting for the Sun*

          No, they didn’t, but they should have.
          I thought the guy was following her anonymous blog anonymously, but he knew it was her blog, if that makes sense.
          I posted my reply about possible envy early, before Kali the OP filled in the embryo talk / miscarriage details. Of course sorry for Mrs. A’s loss, and I’m sure Kali is too and wouldn’t have spoken about embryos if she’d known.

        3. Juxc*

          Sorry, but equating frog embryos with your miscarriage is BS. That’s like equating your problems with your period with a hen laying eggs. That’s being ridiculous.

          Also, I haven’t heard of embryos being split apart during a DnC. Even if it happened, why would doctors tell you that? I have zero idea what happened to my embryo after my abortion.

          Also, she expected OP to magically know that the topic of animal embryos is somewhat painful to her. OP is not a mind reader and can’t possibly know about every possible trauma or trigger someone might have.

          1. Ender*

            D&C stands for “dilation and curettage”. A currette is a sharp instrument. The procedure of a D&C is literally to scrape the embryo and placenta out of the womb in pieces. It is literally cutting/ripping the embryo to shreds. I thought that was common knowledge. Did you think they took it out in one piece or something? Of course, depending on the age and size of the embryo it might come out in a single piece. She may also have passed the baby naturally and actually seen her embryo – with my last miscarriage I was 8 and a half weeks and I could see the upper half of baby through the sac and see her head and eye. I was literally holding my embryo in my hand crying over the loss of my much hoped for child. If someone had started telling me about testing on embryos very shortly after that I would have been very uncomfortable.

            Also, OP says above that she probably didn’t make it totally clear that she thinks experimenting on human embryos is not ok and is ethically different from experimenting on frog embryos. It sounds like OP went into some detail with the description of splitting up albino embryos and splicing them with Non-albinos. OP didn’t mention in her initial post above that she was talking exclusively about animal embryos, and I got the impression from OPs post that she was discussing human embryos that she or her team had separated and spliced. It’s possible Mr and Mrs A got the same impression.

            1. Kali*

              I am finding all this quite disturbing, which is very helpful to understanding where Mrs A is coming from, and in picturing how someone could be disturbed by something that’s a routine part of my day. Which isn’t to imply that this is a routine part of anyone’s day.

              1. Ender*

                I’m glad you understand how upsetting she must have found it. Grieving a miscarriage is a complicated thing. I’m still on antidepressants and my most recent loss was 6 months ago and we haven’t tried since. It sounds from your other posts that the A’s are still going through infertility and possibly repeated miscarriages.

                When people are going through such an emotionally difficult time they often conflate emotions. I’m sure when you were discussing it they gave off non-verbal signals that you should stop, which you didn’t notice. Many people think not noticing these non-verbal signals is itself rude. How many letters do we have here where the OP is really annoyed with someone for doing or saying something, and thinks they are really really rude, but they haven’t actually asked them to stop. Personally I am awful at reading non-verbal queues so I would not consider someone rude for that. If I was in Mrs As place I would have said “this is kind of grossing me out can we talk about something else”. But she clearly is of the other mindset. In her head it was probably obvious from her body language that she wanted you to stop, but you continued regardless. So she really thinks you were being rude that night. Even though we know you weren’t intentionally being rude.

                I suspect with that coming so close on top of losing her own embryo (and either seeing it/seeing the sac or else knowing it was ripped apart in the hospital) she has conflated her upset at your perceived rudeness with her upset over the loss of the baby. It’s a common grief thing to blame someone else and to get angry over random things when you are grieving.

                It’s an outside possibility that she even remembers that dinner party whenever she thinks of the baby. The grief is feeding the anger and vice versa. Of course this may not be the case but it would explain their over-the-too anger towards you.

                I think with time she’ll get over it. However in my experience she may not fully get over the miscarriage itself until she either has living children or many years have passed. I suspect once she does fully get over it, she’ll probably look back at how angry she was at you and realise it was way out of order. But she needs to focus on getting over the loss of her babies right now (and if they are having infertility issues then they need to deal with all that too which is completely overwhelming).

                If you are seeing her at this party I think you should say “I’m so sorry for your loss. I had no idea.” And leave it at that.

        4. Owler*

          The creepy part is if my friend Joe follows me, Owler, under a username that I don’t know to associate with Joe. There’s an unequal balance of knowledge for him to know I post under a username, but I don’t know the same about him.

    3. Overeducated*

      Having read this and all the comments, I think I would write a short, simple apology note for the thing you said last year that bothered them, now that you’re aware and sound like you actually regret it and empathize with them. Don’t get into explanations, self-recrimination, or anything about them disliking you, just “I’ve recently learned I said something that hurt you at a traumatic time, I’m so sorry for what you went through and that I reminded you of it at a hard time, and I’m doing a lot of introspection about how to be more sensitive in conversations.” Then you will have done the gracious thing and closed the loop on that specific interaction by dealing with them directly, cutting out the weird online drama aspects. That’s literally all you can do and you can consider that putting it to rest.

      If they still decide not to ever interact with you, that’s really on them and they have to consider how it will hurt their friendship with your partner. Excluding just you while inviting him to stuff along with other people’s partners is not socially acceptable. And you don’t need to explain a history of trauma to be hurt by outright rejection, that would upset anyone!

      1. Triplestep*

        Totally agree with everything here. Kali, you might not notice that the script for a written apology provided above does not contain the words “if’ or “but”. Apologies should never contain either (as in “I’m sorry but … or I’m sorry if I offended you [when you clearly did]).

        And I would just add that after you write “I’m doing a lot of introspection about how to be more sensitive in conversations” you should actually do this. They may invite you to social events with your partner again and you should do your best to remain quiet while you’re leaning what others are/are not interested in to the extent you are.

        1. Kali*

          I’m not sure what image you have of me, but I do know that apologies don’t contains buts or ifs. I’m also not as socially unaware as you appear to have gathered.

          I’m not planning on reaching out to the As because I don’t believe it will help at this point. I’m also not particularly interested in attending social events they host, nor do I expect to be invited.

          1. Triplestep*

            I would have no way of knowing what you know about apologies – plenty of people (including some people who pay PR professionals to advise them) do NOT know apologies shouldn’t contain “if” or “but”.

            And on the question of social skills, in all your protests that you indeed have them, you prove more and more that you are not terribly socially skilled. For example, Overeducated described above that how it would feel awkward and socially unacceptable if Mr. and Mrs. A continue to invite your partner – and the partners of other friends – but not you to social events. That’s very true, and yet you’re willingly signing up for that exact scenario, proving to your partner, the As, and everyone in their social circle … what exactly? That you’re willing to make things uncomfortable rather than own anything about how they came to their impression of you? Frankly that makes them correct in their assessment.

            1. Kali*

              I’ve repeatedly owned that I unintentionally made them uncomfortable, and that I was in the wrong. I’ve decided not to reach out to them because they’ve made it very clear that they don’t want that, and it’s obvious that it will make them more uncomfortable. It’s good advice, but I don’t think it’s the appropriate action for my personal situation. Mr and Mrs A are not comfortable around me and don’t want to be reminded that I exist, and I think it’s best if I respect their wishes on that. We’re not going to reach a scenario where we’re all best friends, and that’s okay.

              You’ve very clearly already made your mind-up about who I am, to the point of ignoring anything that doesn’t fit your pre-conceived notion. There’s nothing I could do to change your mind on that, and I’m not particularly inclined to try, especially since you’ve been incredibly patronising and rude in asserting that you see my life more clearly than I do, based on a single comment thread.

              1. Lissa*

                If it helps, I also don’t really understand where a couple people are getting the really uncharitable impressions of you they seem to be – I would guess that it’s because you are trying to be extremely fair to the couple involved, so you are saying things that don’t paint you in the best light, whereas many times people write these questions out and really slant them towards themselves. Your explanation of the situation seems to be like you are trying to be as fair and balanced as possible.

                I think you are right not to reach out. These people have decided to think the worst of you, and believe that you deliberately wrote a post on a forum about emotional issues and your work, and won’t believe that you didn’t realize they were reading.

                These people are very likely to never give you the benefit of the doubt. Whether or not it’s because you triggered their trauma so badly that they are now incapable of doing so, or because they are just kind of grudge-holdy to begin with probably doesn’t help you much. I guess I feel a lot of sympathy to you because I’ve been in a position where it’s like…ok, everything I do to try to fix a situation is just going to make things worse. Once you’re there with someone I think all you can do is nothing, which is what you have chosen to do anyway.

                Good luck navigating this. TBH these people sound exhausting to me, and I understand they went through something bad but very few people haven’t by mid-adulthood, so that doesn’t hold a ton of water for me when it comes to refusing to even consider the other person’s perspective.

            2. ket*

              Triplestep, you’re getting weird here. What’s so wrong about saying partner can go to stuff and Kali won’t? At some point, if Mr & Mrs A are so upset about that, it is their problem. From this point of view, Kali should just cease to exist or dump partner in order to spare Mr & Mrs A’s feelings twice a year. That’s bizarre and a total overreaction. If your friend’s partner has rubbed you the wrong way, are the only two possible acceptable answers 1) friend dumps partner & declares fealty to you, or 2) partner dumps friend in recognition that their proximate existence is inappropriate?

          2. Ann O.*

            FWIW, I think it’s a mature response to not want your partner to tank his friendship because of a personal conflict between you and the As.

            1. Kali*

              Thanks for saying that. :) He deserves a lot of credit there; he’s been so riled up on my behalf that it’s a lot easier to say “no, let’s calm down and wait, these are your childhood friends and now we know they’re going through something tough”.

        2. Overeducated*

          I think she is engaging in that introspection here and now by seeking out all of our perspectives on it and taking other views seriously, and I think that is admirable.

          1. Forking great username*

            I’m not seeing much introspection in those responses though. When multiple people tell you that your comments could be perceived one way, and the response is just to say that they’re wrong and don’t know you and need to stop…that seems to be pretty much the opposite of introspection.

            1. Kali*

              I’m not disagreeing with that. I’ve repeatedly acknowledged that I was in the wrong for not being more sensitive. Despite not knowing the specific situation, it’s not surprising that some people would find the topic upsetting and I should have stopped to remember that.

              What I disagree with is the very specific interpretation that this one event means I must have trouble being social in multiple fields, particularly the insistence of one person on trying to force me to agree with it, and insisting that my refusal to agree is further proof of my poor social skills.

            2. Kali*

              I’ve been thinking about this, and I had a potential insight into why the confusion has arisen. I can see how a third party could use this story to illustrate that someone [me] was generally social awkward, if this story were an example of a common occurrence in my life. That isn’t the case though – this is an incredibly unusual event in my life that I’m trying to make sense of. I think the former story is more common on the internet, so it’s quite easy to apply that kind of analysis to this one, even though it’s not appropriate.

              1. Triplestep*

                See my impression is that it *IS* a common occurrence in your life. Not that you go around offending people, but that you geek out over science in social situations with people who are not interested. Yes, you have owned that you unwittingly stepped in it with the As the time you talked about embryos; I think you’re doing yourself a disservice by focusing on that one episode however.

                What prompted me to post here at first was your supposition that this couple already did not like you by the time the embryo episode took place. I think you’re right. The picture you have painted of yourself is of someone who gets into the weeds when she talks about her scientific work, studies or interests and as I said, THAT is probably why this couple did not like you before that night.

                I’m sure that your science buddies find the excited discussion about developmental biology endearing and probably give you a run for your money! But if you are unwilling to even entertain that it might be a problem in other social settings (in general – not just the embryo episode, but before that) then yes – that shows an unwillingness to be introspective that some here are pointing to.

                You seem to prefer the posts that focus on that one fateful night and what’s happened since and how badly the As behaved. But that is not what I’ve been talking about. If the night in question was the first time you geeked out about some science you were excited about to people who could not have cared less, then OK – I am wrong. Only you know for sure.

                Lastly to reiterate, I think the As have behaved poorly as well. I think they were hurt over their loss and over-reacted because they already didn’t care for your style much. They engaged in some pretty juvenile behavior. Ultimately you can only control your actions and your responses from here out.

                1. Juxc*

                  I don’t see why OP has a problem, really. Just because some people prefer to talk about the Kardashians and are bored by science talk doesn’t mean OP is wrong talking about whatever excites her. Common interests help you make friends. Dominating a conversation is a different thing but you can’t conclude that OP is doing that based on the information you have. Also, people prone to dominating these conversation do it no matter the topic, so this is irrelevant

                3. Kali*

                  “THAT is probably why this couple did not like you before that night.”

                  You are factually incorrect and inaccurate in your assumptions based on a single post of my life. I am confident in saying that based on actually living my life, having met the people involved, and on multiple interactions which you were not privy to. I find it completely bizarre that you continue to insist that you must know more than I do and that there is something wrong with me if I don’t accept that.

            3. Overeducated*

              There are several comments where she responds saying, “oh, I can see why they would feel badly,” or “thanks for that different perspective,” which I think shows an effort toward empathy rather than trying to be right. It can be very hard to try to understand others’ feelings and learn how you could do things differently when you feel hurt and defensive instead of insisting others must be wrong. There are some ungenerous leaps of assumption about Kali’s personality here and I think pushing back on those doesnt cancel out the introspection.

    4. WellRed*

      You did nothing wrong and have nothing to apologize for. Apologize, briefly, if you like but with the understanding it won’t fix this relationship. She obviously just doesn’t like you. That happens. Frankly, they both sound weird, unpleasant and exhausting! And they BOTH think you should read minds!

    5. neverjaunty*

      Frankly, everything you’ve said about Mr. and Mrs. A make them sound like shunning you is actually doing you a favor. They reacted to a faux pas with being passive-aggressive and weird, and have continued to play dumb little social games with you and your boyfriend (and the “oh I thought you knew we were stalking your posts?!?! thing is horseshit).

      1. Overeducated*

        Agreed. That’s why i think a direct, unqualified apology is the way to go, it is kind but it also puts all the weirdness back in their court.

      2. valentine*

        Yes, the As are the stars of their self-produced melodrama and they’re gaslighting you and moving the goalposts. First, you were rude and they were matchmaking for your BF. Now, you were deliberately hurtful, in a particularly sharp way, like a soap villain. I don’t buy that someone who treats people like game pieces is too timid to say the single sentence that would’ve stopped your wonderful discourse, which is the sort of thing I would love to discuss. I wouldn’t connect science/frog embryo to an unrelated miscarriage, so I hope you’ll stop feeling bad about it. I wonder why BF hasn’t cut them off for treating you like this, but you don’t have to tolerate them. If you do decide to be in the same space with them, make sure you have a separate space to gather Team You members to remind you the real world isn’t the As’ bubble and you’re not what anyone else makes of you.

    6. OhNo*

      It sounds like you have the right idea to just step back and let BF handle this all on their own! As tempting as it can be to explain yourself, or apologize, or just generally correct some incorrect assumptions, it sounds like Mrs. A at least is just in BEC mode towards you right now. The only thing that might solve that is time.

      It might suck for a while, if BF wants to hang out with the A’s and you’re not welcome, so you might want to have a chat about how you both plan to deal with that. Speaking from experience, it can get a bit fraught if there’s any disconnect about how the situation should be handled – especially if BF gets defensive on your behalf.

      Can you block Mr. A on whatever social media he was following you on, without it being a Big Thing? That way at least you know for sure that you’re not going to accidentally start the whole problem over again.

      1. Kali*

        I can’t. The website it’s on – the name of which tends to get my comments sent to moderation – doesn’t show who your followers are. If I knew his username, I could block him, but he’d still be able to log out, go to my page, and look at my posts or comments that way. I could just start a new account, or compromise by continuing to use my main account but using a throwaway for anything personal. Debating options atm.

    7. Traffic_Spiral*

      Yeah, I’d just stay away from them for a while. If they’re only around every 6 months anyways this seems like an easy thing to do. Maybe in a few years she’ll be over it, but in the mean time this whole seems like one huge bucket of snakes you don’t need to stick your hand into.

    8. L-cJ*

      hang on
      So during a dinner where one host was literally describing their bowel movements you were expected to know that talking about the (admittedly potentially squicky, but bowel movements) research in the field you are studying was somehow related to an issue that you had no way of knowing they were going through and no one who did know bothered to guide the conversation away from it?
      And then followed you from an anonymized account without even a courtesy ‘following you on [social media]’ headsup and expected you to know that he was reading your posts?

      That is expecting entirely too much magic knowledge. Letting BF manage this friendship on his own is a very, very good call on your part.

      1. Lissa*

        +1 I really don’t see the OP talking about it in that context to be the horrible social faux pas that others do. It doesn’t sound like she was doing it at an event where it was totally out of step/sync with what everyone else was talking about.

      2. Book Lover*

        Yes, at least from what I have read so far, they are behaving quite badly. It sounds like you are trying to encourage your partner not to blow up his relationship with thenm, but honestly, I would let him take the lead on this. If he doesn’t want to go out with them without you, perhaps to events where they might make comments about you (that may be uncharitable to them) then I wouldn’t push him to. And if he wants to tell them they have behaved poorly, that is his choice to make.

      3. Ender*

        I’m kind of confused now whether you’re talking about a different dinner. You do know faeces and embryos are different things right?

        1. Ender*

          And embryos have nothing whatsoever to do with bowels. (Except that they develop their own bowels between 8 and 10 weeks).

        2. Reba*

          L-cj’s comment about bowels is a reference to another comment by Kali in which she provides the detail that Mr. A was discussing his BMs for reasons probably best known to him. It’s context that the graphic/bodily nature of Kali’s input was not totally out of place, even if the subject matter hit a nerve.

          2. Kali*

            Yup, I very distinctly remember that part of the conversation. BF had told me that Mr A often tried to make people uncomfortable, that it was funny for him, and he’d probably try to do it to me. I do wonder if my own part of the conversation was an attempt to show that I was comfortable with biology, while deflecting to something I found less squicky, without considering the fact that they might have reasons to find it more uncomfortable than the initial topic. Complete conjecture though – as I said, I don’t actually remember my part of the conversation. I mean, I am sure it happened, it sounds like me, and I don’t think BF would know anything about the topic if it hadn’t come from me, but I don’t actually remember it in any detail. I think that’s another problem with the situation – it’s based on memories from 9-12 months ago, which have become somewhat warped with time.

    9. Bethany D*

      I try to remember that anything I post on the Internet may be seen by my best friend, my most distant relative, and my worst enemy. Even if it is unlikely it could still happen. Thanks to random rabbit trails of links & blogs, I know that a (male) friend from highschool was molested by a family friend as a child; our intermittent interactions now have a tinge of awkwardness because I don’t know if he knows that I know that about him. And privacy settings aren’t always enough! One time I read a gut-wrenchingly honest post about an adopted friend processing the first contact with her bio-family and another time I was hit with a rather critical review of my own wedding – but it seemed that they both had accidentally clicked the wrong privacy setting, because each time when I had finally finished writing & re-writing & re-re-writing an appropriate comment, the original post had ‘disappeared’. So I had to pretend I hadn’t read it – easy to do with the first, hard to do with the second. :/

      My sympathies are with you though; I recently wrote a single sentence in the middle of a Facebook status intended mostly as self-reflection that (unintentionally) could be interpreted as a criticism of another person. Said person immediately took it as an Intentional Personal Attack and was calling their daughter & discussing ‘how I done her wrong’ with one (or more?) other friends. Two of her friends took it upon themselves to tell me how Hurt she was and that criticizing people like that was Not Okay. I ended up apologizing for unintentionally hurting her and editing the post to make it clear that it was not me being a meanie-pants. BUT – several other people had also read the post and responded/commented in the way that I had intended it to be taken. So, I think that objectively speaking it is reasonable to say that it did not HAVE to be taken personally; and now I feel a lot more wary of her & her two friends because they were not willing to give me the benefit of the doubt before jumping to such an extreme conclusion.

    10. LGC*

      …I had SO MANY THOUGHTS about your followup, and the followup to the followup.

      So anyway, to start off: I think you’ve been roundly told this by everyone, but – yeah – that can be a pretty sensitive topic. And, obviously, this isn’t something to discuss in front of Ms. A. And, more to the point, I think both of them had really frayed nerves because of their stress and then – yeah – you just (unknowingly) stepped on the landmine.

      I mean, to be honest, her response wasn’t great (to put it way too mildly). And you had no idea of knowing she’d suffered that sort of trauma. And I think the logical next step is for her to calm down, realize that you weren’t trying to assault her and almost certainly wouldn’t have said that if you’d known, and actually deal with you because you weren’t being malicious at all.

      But on the other hand, I can get why she just wants to have nothing to do with you at all after that, and that she was really secretive about why. There’s often a lot of shame that goes into miscarriages, and it’s viewed as an extremely private thing. So she just took her frustrations and lashed out at you – I don’t think it’s personal, it’s that you were in the wrong place at the wrong time.

      This also reminded me of what I was going through last week, which was…kind of similar, actually. (Although I’ll admit, I was much more at fault in my situation.) Just know – I think that, yeah, it’s something that can’t be forced. It’s really on Ms. A to decide that she wants to deal with you – which is terrible and awkward on multiple levels, but I think that’s the only way this will get resolved. It sounds like you’re ready – she just needs to get there herself.

      And also, you’re not just this situation. You’re reflective enough to not assume that she was just crazy – you also looked at yourself. Just because she doesn’t like you for her own personal reasons doesn’t mean that you’re unworthy of love. Learn from this, but also – be kind to yourself. (This is easier said than done.)

        1. Ender*

          Embryos are a sensitive topic to someone who’s just lost one. It really wasn’t clear from OPs post she was talking exclusively about animal embryos – I thought she was talking about human embryos actually and it’s entirely possible the A’s thought so too.

          Also testing on embryos is a very sensitive topic in general and people hold very strong beliefs about it. Google animal human chimera and you will see that human-animal hybrids have been developed – and at the stem cell stage too, not just the “ear on a Mouses back” or “human liver in a pigs body” type. Testing on animal embryos will inevitably lead to testing on human embryos and already happens in countries with less stringent rules. We already have the technology to develop half-human, half-chimps. It could be done in as little as 10 years if you threw enough money at it. Probably won’t, but it is inevitable within the next hundred or so years, because people are crazy and will do stuff just to see if they can.

          People who actually understand the technology have genuine concerns, and people who don’t really understand it probably have much bigger concerns though less well founded.

          Regardless of ethics, lots of people would find it unpleasant dinner conversation even if they hadn’t just lost a baby.

            1. Ender*

              Statistically it is waaaay more likely that you would have a miscarriage before 10 weeks than between 10 and 24 weeks. So it’s far more likely to have been an embryo.

              Up to 10 weeks it’s an embryo, after that a foetus until birth, after 24 weeks it would be a stillbirth, though some countries use slightly different cut-offs for mc/stillbirth. The 10 week cut-off for embryo-foetus is internationally agreed on and is down to the fact that by 10 weeks all the major organs are in place and basically all that’s left to do is grow. Although minor organs appear throughout pregnancy with the latest to appear (tear ducts) not fully grown until about 6 weeks after birth, which is why newborns don’t create tears when they cry – just lots of noise!

          2. Ender*

            This article gives a good overview of the different research that is happening and the ethical considerations

            https://www.google.ie/amp/s/amp.livescience.com/56309-human-animal-chimeras.html

            Of particular interest is the “geep” – a goat/sheep hybrid that was created at the embryonic stage and grew to live post-birth. Roughly speaking Chimps and humans are about as genetically similar as humans and sheep.

            Another experiment of interest is where they injected embryonic human stem cells (produced by destroying living human embryos – which is a very sensitive topic) into embryonic mouse brains. They grew a mouse embryo with a partly human brain and the human cells formed human structures within the mouse brain. Most people would be really freaked out by finding out that this has already happened.

            Personally the scientist in me finds all this fascinating, and I don’t personally believe that very early stage embryos are people, but the bereaved mother in me would be really upset hearing about these things right after a loss. And I do feel that growing an animal with a part-human brain is extremely unethical and I wonder if it had a human or a part-human consciousness. How did it experience the world? Who can tell.

            It’s a very sensitive topic.

          3. LGC*

            Thanks – that’s kind of what I was getting at (although to be quite honest I admit I’d be interested and it wouldn’t put me off!). I think that for a lay-person, fetus and embryo are basically the same thing, and it would have been pretty easy for someone with raw feelings (like…I don’t know, someone who had just had a miscarriage after trying hard for a baby) to misinterpret things.

            And I don’t think this is Kali’s fault – she’s not responsible for the A’s miscarriage. It’s just that people can get touchy about things that have to do with fertility (or that they think have to do with fertility). It’s a bit like talking about babies at work.

      2. Kali*

        Thanks. :) I’ve noticed that Mr A’s trauma is often not thought of, both IRL and here. Toxic masculinity definitely plays a role there, as he would never admit to being traumatised. I suspect that they both are, so they’re riling each other up in defending each other. At this point, I think it’s probably mentally easier to double-down and label me as a bad person so they don’t have to think about the issue, than to actually think about the issue. Which isn’t to say I didn’t do anything wrong – I could definitely be more sensitive – but the response is so out of line with that that there must be something else going on.

        1. Juxc*

          They sound rather self centered and dramatic. Everyone goes through something hard in their lives but you can’t expect the world to cater to you and for people to read your mind about what makes you uncomfortable. I remember how heart breaking it was when the man I loved was using me for sex and seeing any wedding on Facebook made the wound fresh and real. Guess what – I didn’t stop contact with anyone who kept on talking about their engagement or happy relationship because they weren’t being rude to me by talking about something that excites them. My sadness was my own to deal with.

        2. LGC*

          I think part of the reason we’re not really thinking of Mr. A on here is because it seems like Ms. A is “leading the charge,” so to speak! It seemed like he was less hostile to you from your first post. This post makes him look crazy, but…not like he’s refusing to speak to you. (Just that of course you know about his following you on your professional posts because you know everyone who reads everything you write on the internet.)

          But – yeah – you’re right, he’s definitely going through stuff himself. He (for very obvious reasons) didn’t have to deal with the physical issues directly, but I can’t imagine that this was much easier for him. So my take was…really hard to express in a way that didn’t sound like it was attacking either of you, because while I think that they’re both being irrationally hostile to you, I also kind of understand why they have issues with you. But also, they should really get over it because it’s not like you went out of your way to hurt them. But also, grief is weird and twisted, and I get the sense that their animosity is a part of that. That’s the “something else” – and I’m not sure if it’s a “something else” that can be fixed by anyone other than them.

          1. Kali*

            I agree with you; they were hurt by me, even if I didn’t intend that, and people often can’t handle their hurt very well, by nature of, you know, being hurt. In a weird way, I think it gets more complicated when we try to explain the hurt and label it. I’m trying to work on just feeling my emotions and letting them run their course before trying to define them or figure out why I’m feeling them, in terms of handling the leftovers from my parental abuse. I’m still not great at it, but it’s definitely reducing the little outbursts of rage.

            1. Juxc*

              That’s an interesting technique. Labeling your emotions is a way of regulating them and it has been shown to help. I’m curious how you know about this technique of just feeling your emotions? I’ve never seen it recommended anywhere except for some new age “advice”

              2. Kali*

                Ahh, sorry, was in a rush so that came out very brusque!

                It’s not about not labelling the emotion. It’s about just letting yourself feel the initial wave of emotion before trying to label it or explain it, since if I try to do so immediately, it can end up as “I’M MAD AND ITS YOUR FAULT BECAUSE RARRRRAAARRRARRRGH”, when a more truthful story might be “I’m hungry and tired and irritable”.

    11. ronda*

      it sounds like you are really ok with not seeing these people after learning why they don’t want to see you.
      good for you.

      The problem now seems to be mostly your boyfriends problem. What kind of relationship can he have long-term with people who want to pretend his girlfriend does not exist? What does he tell mutual friends about why you are not there? etc………

      I do kind of wonder why they are not mad at him too…… aren’t they thinking that he knew too and was encouraging you in your awfulness to them?

      1. Rayne*

        I actually don’t think this is a problem at all. Do you not have different friends from your partner? He wouldn’t pretend Kali didn’t exist, just that they weren’t currently at the event. He could just say Kali was busy so they couldn’t come. It’s not really that unusual for a couple to have separate friend groups.

  13. Babyfrenzy*

    Any tips/advice for a woman trying to get pregnant? After 4 years of marriage, we’re finally feeling ready. We’re on vacation abroad in late September where I’m planning on having my last hurrah (e.g. loads of Italian wine) and after that, going off the pill. For the ladies with babies out there, is there anything that you know now that you wish you knew then?

    Thanks in advance!

    1. Anona*

      Just prepare yourself- it could be a quick process, or it could take a year or more. Depending on your age, consider reaching out to your obgyn if it takes awhile. I believe the general guideline is 6+ months for over 35s and 12+ months for under 35s. I’d always err on talking to them about your options sooner rather than later.

      Also, if you decide to buy pregnancy tests in bulk, wondfo (available on Amazon) are great/cheap.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Flip side, if it’s been 3 months your doc is not likely to have any advice beyond keep trying.

        And maybe the obvious “Are you having sex, every other day or so, throughout the possible fertility window every month?” Sometimes people are so used to worrying about any small chance of pregnancy while they are carefully avoiding it that they go off the pill and expect that to be enough, not factoring in how business travel is limiting the opportunities for conception. 10% chance of pregnancy this year sounds way too high for a form of birth control, but way too low when you want to become pregnant.

      2. Smarty Boots*

        I was 39 when I got pregnant. It took less than three months. Good to know there was a point to being on the pill all those years :P

        1. SavannahMiranda*

          I was 42. Two months. We were prepared to spend 12-18 months rolling the dice. Two cycles later…ooof. I was not prepared!

          That would be my only comment. Be prepared for it to take a lot longer. But also be prepared for it to be a lot shorter. Both are a head trip. In different ways.

        2. TardyTardis*

          I was 24 the first time, and 28 the second (and both times only took one month, there are reasons my mother had the three of us all in a row till Something Was Done in the 1950’s. Don’t know if Mom went to the vet or Dad did, but it sure worked). But it was a bit of a surprise both times, though I made sure not to mention it around my SIL, who went through various miscarriages etc., to the point I almost volunteered to be a host mother. I could have written the True Confession “I Carried My Brother’s Baby”–but then they were able to adopt a surprise new family member from extended family, and it all worked out anyway).

    2. Ender*

      Just relax and don’t think about it for the first 6 months. Don’t even track ovulation. Just have sex about every 3 days – so the sperm has time to grow healthy and you always have living sperm inside waiting for the egg to appear.

    3. Ranon*

      If you’re planning on getting extra life insurance, do it now, insurers don’t distinguish between “weight because pregnant” and “weight because normal baseline”

      Most midwife and ob practices have privileges at specific hospitals/ birth centers/ etc., if you have strong feelings about where you would like to deliver it may make sense to choose a location first and a practice second.

      Might as well start on the folic acid now, too. And good luck! May the timing be exactly what you want.

      1. Ender*

        Oh definitely be on folic acid! Everyone who had even the slightest chance of getting pregnant should take folic acid every day, just in case. You need to be on it for at least 3 months before conceiving for it to work fully.

      3. ket*

        If you want to be super geeky check out folic acid vs methylfolate. Some people can’t quite process folic acid normally (MTHFR gene) so methylfolate is better. Not a big deal; tiny chance it’ll improve your kid’s possible life; different prenatal pill.

    4. Overeducated*

      Well i happened to get pregnant immediately before my last hurrah Italy trip so you’re already doing it better than me, I missed out on the wine :) No advice! Enjoy the trip and good luck!

      1. TardyTardis*

        I know, I remember my first pregnancy–I was at my due date, and we went through a tornado warning and spent much of an evening in the closet hoping for the best. And when it was done, my MIL and husband got to have a drink and I didn’t. Waah…but I have probably made up for it by now.

    5. Falling Diphthong*

      I recommend The Girlfriend’s Guide, which is older but reads like what your friends would tell you if they’d had kids before you–I was the first in my cohort to get pregnant and appreciated some down-to-earth advice from a source not my mom, and not the overwrought What To Expect. (Example: Your belly button will flip inside out, like the done button on a turkey.)

      Enjoy anything that requires free time or energy now. Tongue-in-cheek advice for dads that actually had a lot of logic at its core was to gradually switch to watching everything on Netflix, as you will not have these stretches of uninterrupted time to watch regular TV or go to movies. I also recall that we were taking a really fun ballroom dance class, and stopped because it involved being upright after 6 pm and that was a no-go for me. It’s hard to overstate the exhaustion of the newly pregnant–even though the baby was the size of a poppy seed, or a grain of rice, or a pea, I felt like Fred Flintstone trying to prop my eyelids open with toothpicks.

        1. Parenthetically*

          YES. I tried to explain it to my husband but the man literally does not get jetlag, so I was out of luck! :’D

      2. Lemonworld*

        The exhaustion of the first trimester is unreal. If I hadn’t been trying to get pregnant, I would’ve thought that I had a serious illness.

        1. Ender*

          In the first trimester you are creating the placenta which is fully grown by the end of the first trimester. The placenta has 4 pints of your blood in it! You literally produce an extra 50% of your blood in the first trimester, which is the equivalent of giving blood every 2 weeks. (The first trimester is actually only 8 weeks long because by the time you miss your period you are considered to be “4 weeks” pregnant).

          When you think of it this way – that you are producing an extra pint of blood every two weeks – the tiredness makes a lot more sense.

          Eat lots of iron-rich foods and take iron tablets and vitamin c (most Pre-natal tablets have both in them). This helps, but it’s still exhausting. The good news is that the placenta is all done by the start of the second trimester, so the second trimester is nowhere near as tiring as the first!

    6. Muriel Heslop*

      Find out when you ovulate! Definitely a difference if you ovulate on Day 7 versus Day 16. This was a game changer for me and it’s helped quite a few of my friends who were struggling as well. I got a kit from Target and had clearest results with name brand vs store brand.

      Have fun! Don’t stress yourselves out about it. Do lots of fun things that may not be possible once you are pregnant/have a baby. It’s not a goal to hit for work – timing is different for everyone.

      If you aren’t already doing some exercise/healthy eating, now is a great time to start. It’s much easier to do it before you are pregnant than when you want to lie on the couch, inhale noodles and bingewatch Downton Abbey.

      Good luck! Have a great trip to Italy!

      1. Smarty Boots*

        Just have sex every day, lol, at least once a day. Then you don’t have to worry about when you’re ovulating.

        1. Parenthetically*

          Well, except that if you ovulate very late, you could have a really hard time staying pregnant, but it’s a relatively easy fix. And daily sex can negatively affect sperm count.

        2. Ender*

          Having sex every day doesn’t give the sperm time to grow properly.

          Of course, if you’re in a poly relationship with three guys and not fussed about which is the father, this would definitely be the best way to do it!

    7. Cambridge Comma*

      Start any exercise programme that you want to be doing during the pregnancy before you conceive as you shouldn’t introduce new strenuous exercise when pregnant. Strengthen your back, it will have a lot of work to do.
      It can take a long time to settle down after stopping the pill so don’t expect too much.
      Ramp down the caffeine slowly so you don’t have to go cold turkey.
      Get super organised at work and home because the first trimester tiredness is an absolute killer. The organisation will be good for before and after your maternity leave too.
      Don’t expect pregnancy to be easy. I coukdn’t work from 7 w owing to complications.

      1. Kj*

        You don’t have to stop drinking coffee. The evidence on caffeine is mixed and you can safely have coffee through pregnancy in moderate amounts. I like Expecting Better as the pregnancy book that dispells myths and gives you facts

        1. Cambridge Comma*

          If you don’t currently drink moderate amounts of caffeine, you’d need to cut down and it’s easier to do that gradually.

        2. Ender*

          I did a lot of research on this and even tiny amounts of caffeine does increase the risk of mc – but only by tiny amounts. Above 200mg of caffeine a day the risk increases quickly, so most docs recommend keeping it to 200mg. That’s only one cup of Starbucks-type coffee so it’s very easy to be above the “moderate amount” without realising it. A cup of instant coffee is 100mg, a 250ml can of red bull is 90mg, a cup of tea is about 10mg, and a chocolate bar is about 10-20mg depending on the chocolate. It’s really really easy to go above the recommended limit if you don’t pay attention.

        3. ket*

          Loved “Expecting Better”. I read a ton of original research papers because I’m an academic. One cup of reasonable coffee a day is fine. So are saunas, though maybe not hot tubs.

          Most of this decision-making actually relies on, if something random and not your fault goes wrong, will you blame yourself or fate? I’m a blame fate person, so I took my (short, cooler) saunas, had 1 cup of coffee a day, had a sip of wine (<1/2 glass once a week), and didn't stress. This is not most peoples' personality apparently.

    8. Intel Analyst Shell*

      Don’t put your life on hold while trying to get pregnant! Drink the wine, eat the sushi, dye your hair, eat raw oysters, make plans. I started trying to get pregnant at 26 and it took almost 2 years, but then I have a coworker who started trying at 35 and got pregnant first month. Everyone’s trying to conceive journey is different and until you start trying you won’t know what your journey will be. Also, depending on your age (and some might disagree) you may have to fight to be heard if you are having trouble getting pregnant. Because I was so young when we started, it took 4 obgyns before someone actually stopped and listened to the symptoms I was having.

      Also, find an OBGYN you love now. You don’t want to be 12 weeks pregnant making important decisions and realize you don’t 100% trust your doctor.

      1. ainomiaka*

        yes, this! You’ll make yourself worn out and cracker bananas putting everything off because “maybe” if it then takes 3 years (my story). I actually kinda wish I’d pushed my husband back harder than this.

      2. CaitlinM*

        Drink ’til it (aka the line on the pregnancy test) is pink. You don’t have to stop drinking just to start trying.

    9. LilySparrow*

      Start taking a prenatal vitamin with folic acid now. Just enjoy each other – don’t turn your sex life into a “to-do” list.

      If you’ve been on the pill for most of your life since puberty, take time to observe your periods, and get a sense of what is normal for you as far as cramps & bleeding. This is anecdata, but of the group of women in my childbirth prep class, the ones that went straight from pill to preggo all wound up having horrible panicky labors with emergency C-sections, and the ones who were more familiar/comfortable with normally unpleasant uterus behavior had much better birthing experiences.

      Don’t get super-granular with tracking and timing, or take pregnancy tests as soon as you might possibly be a day or 2 late. A lot of fertilized eggs fail to implant. You will cause yourself a lot of unnecessary heartache if you insist on knowing things you didn’t have to know. There’s nothing that needs to be done or checked, medically speaking, until you’re 6-8 weeks along. So if you don’t test until you’re a week late, you still have plenty of time to make an appointment.

      Best of luck and have fun! It’s an exciting, happy time.

    10. Raguu*

      Start taking folic acid, start temping and tracking your cycle and stop any drinking or smoking. You’ll be better off knowing when and if you ovulate because if for some reason you don’t you’ll have wasted several months.

      I recommend you the Natural Cycles app. It was recently approved by the FDA for contraception but it can be used while trying to get pregnant. It does all the calculation work for you, you just need to get good about measuring your temperature. Good luck

    11. NB*

      I recommend the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler. It helped me learn a lot about my body and enabled me to collect data that was useful to my doctor when it became clear that I might need a little help getting pregnant. I think the most recent edition is from 2015.

  14. Lady Jay*

    Went to the Candide operetta (Leonard Bernstein) with some friends last night. Late night, but really good – such good music and acting! And funny, in a really dark way; Voltaire is a perfect misanthrope.

    2. ElspethGC*

      I’ve always wanted to see Candide – I may or may not obsessively watch Kristen Chenoweth’s Glitter and Be Gay. Those notes are insane, and I think it would be even better in person!

    3. candide*

      I love the music, and have played in the pit for several productions of Candide before actually viewing it as a member of the audience (different production, several years later). It’s the only opera I’ve played that made *LESS* sense to me after watching it.

    4. OyHiOh*

      I saw Candide when I was far too young for it to be appropriate – my parents are fans of Bernstein, it was a symphony end of year field trip, what could possibly go wrong?!

      My first professional performance, almost thirty years ago, and I LOVED it. That was probably the afternoon I really fell in love with theater.

      Shared What a Day for an Auto de Fe with my spouse a few weeks ago. He was all ::eyeballs:: over it. Commented “and people say **I** have a dark sense of humor! I don’t have anything on this!”

  15. Loopy*

    Is anyone else prone to getting sucked into weather hype? I’m not the type to panic, but I follow it obsessively and love to speculate and chat about it. It’s the worst distraction because being on the coast in the Southeast US, I really can’t just tune it all out. So inevitably, I expect this week to be difficult. I definitely have a love/hate relationship with storm tracking. Tell me I’m not alone in my complex weather feelings!

    Also, any ideas for healthy snacks/easy meals aside from fruit and PBand J when the power is out? So no heat source, nothing refrigerated. My biggest annoyance in a more minor storm is losing power and being bored with all our junky snacks after a day.

    1. Waiting for the Sun*

      I’m more a “The weather is here, wish you were beautiful” type. I get information overload with weather reports and just note whether rain is forecast or not. Luckily I don’t live in an extreme-weather area.
      Maybe energy balls for snacks? Sorry you power is out.

      1. Loopy*

        Oh it’s not out yet, I’m just trying to prepare. For normal weather I don’t pay any attention at all, just have a rain jacket stashed in the car.

        It’s the extreme storms that get me. I’m in hurricane land!

    2. Not a Mere Device*

      You’re not alone. Back in 2005, I was paying close attention to hurricane tracking and blog posts, and carefully not refreshing when the bad ones got close to land, to not overload the servers for people on the Gulf Coast who needed the information in real time.

      My girlfriend’s power-out food stash includes a high-protein dry cereal (Kashi), which I should probably get a box or two of for my own kitchen.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      I think it is a lot of hype. There are too many times where the level of PR does not match the severity of the storm.
      I did notice when a bad storm is predicted that the store shelves empty out quickly. I have often wondered if there is something nefarious there as in using storm hype to increases retail sales.

      Snacks. They make soups now that you can drink right out of the container, no heating. They are a little spendy but gosh they have good flavor. I picked up some to keep in the drawer at work, for when the munchies hit and I cannot leave to get something.

      1. Loopy*

        Oh I know it’s 90% hype for sure! I don’t panic, I just can’t look away! It’s a guilty pleasure I guess. I hate that gas prices also jump. Very annoying!!

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      If you want to feed the obsession, I like the blog on Weather Underground. It scratches an itch for those who like to read all about the storm and sort of marvel at anything interesting it does (“it’s performing a loop-de-loop and coming back for another pass!”) but from a reality- and science-grounded viewpoint, with a fair proportion of the commenters being knowledgeable and disinclined to the extremes of “we’re going to be in the direct path of the eye–I can predict that 5 days out because one map showed that” and “hurricanes always go around me, so I’m just relying on that.”

    5. Parenthetically*

      Totally there with ya! I’m a weather nerd and a bit of a weather prep nerd.

      They sell shelf-stable milks of various kinds which could make a bowl of cereal more palatable! Can you get a little chafing dish that runs on sterno (like at a thrift shop)? I wouldn’t want it for everything but it’s a pretty safe/easy way to heat up a can of soup or the like. (Ignore if you have pets or small children!)

    6. Bethany D*

      Food, glorious food! A lot of fresh veggies will do okay without refrigeration for a few days, like carrot sticks, cucumber, bell pepper, broccoli, & cauliflower. Pepperoni, canned chicken, and tuna all pair nicely with hearty crackers or a loaf of French bread and only have to be refrigerated after opening (so eat up quick!). IMO a block of cheddar cheese is not super risky to eat even if it has technically been above 40 degrees. Clif Protein bars are delicious! Dry milk powder can be mixed with water so you have something to put on your breakfast cereal, or use small boxes of shelf-stable milk/non-dairy milk. Hot chocolate packets and juice boxes taste sweet even at room temp. If you have enough warning to prep some ice in a cooler then at least for the first couple of days you can have regular milk, Ranch, mayo, hardboiled eggs, lunchmeat, and cream cheese available too.

      1. Alice*

        Canned beans that you can have as salads – chickpeas etc. Make sure you’ve got some olive oil and vinegar to use with them, and salt and pepper plus other spices. Canned oysters are a great snack too.

      2. Loopy*

        Thanks to both Bethany and Alice. I need to perfect a bean salad for sure. I dont eat meat or fish, so the glorious tuna option is out, alas. I really am thrilled with the milk powder idea though, is it sold at most grocery stores? Sadly, we are already in hype mode here despite not really being in the current direct line of Florence, so it may be gone if others have the same idea.

    7. CoffeeOnMyMind*

      I grew up on the North Carolina coast, and I’ve been through many hurricanes and tropical storms. My family had a well, so when the power went out we also lost water. My advice is to make sure you have plenty of water on hand, and a weather radio (you can charge your phone using your car if you need to, but a weather radio will work without WiFi).

      For food, be prepared to eat your perishables first (who doesn’t want ice cream for breakfast!). Stock up on Gatorade, peanut butter, crackers, spam, apples, protein bars, canned tuna, cereal, instant soup or noodles, and canned milk.

      I also strongly suggest getting a generator and gas to run it. At the very least, you can keep your refrigerator running during a power outage. Also get some board games and books to keep you entertained during the storm; the days are long when there’s no electricity.

      I hope the storms are few this year! Be safe!

      1. Loopy*

        I am in south SC so hurricanes will be a thing, pretty much forever for us! We have a full generator on our wedding registry :P

        Right now we have this really neat small solar powered/hand crank/battery run charger/light/radio combo thing and it’s perfect for small things like phones! It was our best purchase of the year. Doesn’t help with food, but it’ll keep our phones going, and provide the weather radio. One little gadget but it’ll make so much difference.

        Luckily my fiance is a native and we are well prepped with water and food. I just wanted to try and get more creative ideas since eventually we will be hit and have no power (I dont really think that’ll be this time, but it never hurts to have ideas stocked up!)

    8. E*

      Make sure you have jugs of water for when power is out. Canned or dried foods are great to store for emergency meals. Jerky to munch on, canned ham mixed with beans, canned soup with crackers. Applesauce and canned fruit are nice too.

  16. families!*

    We hear a lot about when to stop therapy. I want to talk about when the therapist ends the relationship because of retirement or personal issues (or, I suppose one can get “fired” from their therapist). Has this happened to you? how did the conversations go? how did you handle it? Any suggestions on how to handle it / things you would do differently / things that worked well?

    1. epi*

      I have had two trainee therapists, and advanced PhD student and a postdoc, and eventually their rotations ended. For most issues, the therapist knows this ahead of time and will start preparing you for it. If you’re not ready to end therapy, they should refer you and help you make a transition, and process the end of this relationship. If you are ready, or might be, they should be checking in with you to prepare you for post-therapy and making sure that is still what you want.

      In one case I was ready to stop, so my last visit was near the end of my therapist’s time there. In the other, she helped me transfer care to someone else in that practice. Both worked out quite well.

    2. The Ginger Ginger*

      Do you mean from the therapist end or from the patient? Hopefully, the therapist is offering recommendations/referrals on other service providers so the client can continue elsewhere. If they’re not, the patient should definitely ask for some.

      1. families!*

        I think I mean more emotionally. I have been working with my therapist for over 10 years now and she might retire in the near future. I am having lots (and LOTS) of feelings about that. We do talk about them, but I wanted to know how others managed, got through it.

    3. Woman of a Certain Age*

      Well, when I had been in counseling for several years, I had definitely made significant progress in dealing with a variety of issues and kind of reached a plateau. He used a lot of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) techniques and they seemed to help me. Over time it seemed my most pressing issues had been resolved, and although it was nice to talk with the counselor, there was no longer any sense of urgency to our conversations. The counselor gently suggested that after having made progress and resolved the most urgent issues and said that there wasn’t much more that he could do for me. We agreed to have several more sessions and set a date for the final session. It was sad to leave the counselor, but it was time to move on and I did, and it didn’t seem like too big of a deal.

      Later on, like a good ten years or so, I found myself having some problems dealing with stress and anxiety at work and school (which were different issues than what I dealt with when I saw the counselor). In retrospect, I do wish that I had found a counselor to talk about those subsequent issues that came up. That said, I’m glad for the time I spent with counseling and with what I learned from the counselor.

    4. Nines*

      I’ve ended with therapists of mine and have done endings with clients as well.
      One of the really beneficial things (I’ve found) about going through an “ending” with a therapist, is that you can, kind of, *manage* the ending. Few people ever have the chance to manage the end of such an intimate relationship. It’s hard, and it really sucks, but it can be really therapeutic in it’s own right. It can also be really powerful for clients that struggle with abandonment, neglect, etc. If you are feeling abandoned, you can talk it out with a therapist in a way that it would rarely be safe to do in another relationship. You can get angry, and sad, and process through it. For a lot of clients it can be really empowering as well. As you come to an end it’s kind of like doing a life review, what have you accomplished? What do you want to continue to work on? It is refreshing to take a step back from processing issues to see that you’ve come a really long way and put it a ton of work. For people I didn’t refer on, we usually talked a lot about their improvements, what they plan to do on their own and how they’ll “know” when they might want to return to therapy. I think it can be helpful to think that through.
      I could probably talk about this for hours. =D But, yeah, endings in therapy are really tough, and uniquely special in a number of ways. Good luck! Enjoy the rest of the time you have together. And if you don’t feel like you can manage without them, make sure you have a plan in place. What happens when you feel that way? Who will you be working with moving forward? How would you like to build that rapport with someone new?

  17. Brelade*

    Calling all plus size ladies!

    As a plus size lady dating I’m finding (depressingly so) that the vast majority of men I encounter on various mediums are either fetishists or think big girls = big everything and well….you know the rest. I know it’s hard for anyone to meet anyone these days but being bigger adds a different dimension to it. I’ve tried plus size dating sites, regular sites, apps, mixers and am toying with going to a few plus size party nights. My own experience is that regular sized guys aren’t typically into me (‘oh wow you’re bigger in person’ etc etc) and it’s pretty tough going.

    Any advice? Where did you find your lobster!

    1. Waiting for the Sun*

      Lost my lobster by being too forward; scared them off :(
      I suggest going to lots of social events not specifically set up for dating/looking. I’m in a movie-buff group and there’s a good ratio of men to women- sometimes more men than women at get-together. I’m not there just to meet a romantic partner, but I’m open to it. Namaste.

    2. Ms Cappuccino*

      I am a big woman (I hate the term plus size). I also found it difficult. I tried bbw dating sites, but like you it only attracted fetishists so I gave up.
      When I travelled in India, my weight wasn’t a problem. Many men found me attractive. It seems that the problem is partly cultural.
      Like waiting for the sun, I attend social events where I meet many people but the purpose is more to make friends. Try meetup.com.
      Do you feel happy with yourself? Self acceptance is important. I practice mindfulness. It helps me to be happy being myself, with this body.

      1. Brelade*

        I’m not unhappy in myself but for health reasons I am losing weight at the moment. I find that men admire me to a point and my confidence but then descend into fetish territory – no matter where I managed to find them! The other thing I get here (Europe) is men assuming that because I’m a large woman I must be easy or dumb, and I’m neither ;) The quest continues!

    3. MissDisplaced*

      I’m plus size now, but I wasn’t always so. I was not when I met my lobster, but both of us are now going portly as we grow into being old lobsters together. LOL!
      I have to say, I’ve never met a guy who was fetish about big. I’m sure exists, but never met anyone like that. A friend of mine once said European guys like bigger curvy gals. Maybe, but not sure if that’s still the case. When I lived in Los Angeles even the most dumpy guys thought they deserved a model and boy, that was some tough town even being a normal size! You have my sympathies in trying to meet and date anyone nowadays though! I have some younger friends and it just seems to be getting harder all around to date.

      1. Ms Cappuccino*

        I have lived in Europe all my life. France, Italy and now the UK. European men don’t like big girls.

      2. TardyTardis*

        My husband likes me heavier, and I swear, it’s a struggle to stay on my diet because he keeps wanting to feed me. I still have 10 pounds to go instead of 20, but it’s really hard sometimes.

    5. Kuododi*

      I actually met DH in seminary. I asked him out on our first date. (Dinner and tickets to a musical). He invited me over for dinner a week later and we’ve been inseparable ever since. At the time I was at the beginning of a mysterious weight gain that wasn’t able to be treated until years later when we discovered my thyroid had given up.

      When I was in the throes of wedding planning, I started yet another useless diet program. DH asked me what that was about, I gave him the standard answer about fitting in the wedding dress. His response was that he didn’t fall in love with some skinny size 0….. he fell in love with me…. needless to say that was the last diet program I have ever attempted and we will be celebrating our 25th anniversary in January. Best wishes to you!!!

    6. Clever Name*

      While I’m not plus size, I have been online dating for a while. As in life, I do think honesty is important, so I think showing prospective dates an accurate representation of you (personality and s body type) is important. Mostly to avoid going on disappointing dates. I went in a date with a guy who must have used old photos of himself in his profile. When I got to the restaurant, I could barely recognize him! I was not pleased. So I think having at least one photo showing your whole body is important. And no, I don’t mean a bikini pic. My full body photo is of me in a puffy jacket, but it gives men an idea of my body type (not model thin).

    7. Waitingfor EarlyRetirement*

      I’ve only found frogs and crabs, not found my lobster, and have given up hope on doing so. Dating is so hard, even harder when you are big, throw in being 40+ and it is impossible.

  18. ElspethGC*

    Last weekend I actually met people who had the job titles “llama groomer”, “llama handler” etc – I went llama trekking in the Yorkshire Dales! (Highly recommended if you go hiking/trekking – llamas are super cute and surprisingly affectionate, and don’t spit at people at all if they were raised properly by their mothers rather than being hand-reared.)

    I felt as though I’d been dropped into an AMA story, and I kind of desperately want someone who works at a llama trekking centre to write in with a problem. “I’m a llama groomer (no, seriously)…”

    Anyone met a chocolate teapot maker? We need to collect the full set of AMA fake job titles!

    2. Loopy*

      Haven’t met a chocolate teapot maker, but I believe rice sculptor was another of the fake job titles I’ve seen, if I’m remembering right!

  19. Lady Jay*

    Favorite words? For a long time, my favourites have been “defenestrate” (to throw out a window) or “abscond with” (steal furtively). But they got dethroned this week in favor of “fantods.”

    I encountered “fantods” years ago Huckleberry Finn. Huck stumbles on the melodramatic (and very badly done) pencil drawings of the young Grangerford girl: a woman clasping her lost lover’s locket to her mouth, another perched on the edge of a bridge, and says that although he thinks the pictures are good, he doesn’t like looking at them, because they give him the “fantods”. Basically it means “uneasiness” but isn’t “fantods” so much more fun to say?

    What are your favorite words?

    1. London Calling*

      Fantod is also used in The Forsyte Saga, when Emily Forsyte tells her husband not to get into a fantod, meaning don’t fuss – James Forsyte being a bit like Emma Woodhouse’s father in some ways.

      Can’t think of favourite ones offhand – ones I dislike, now, that’s a long list…Traybake. Puny. Craggy.

      Oooh, have just thought of one. Mellifluous.

      1. PhyllisB*

        My sister used to use “twitterpatted” (meaning don’t get in a frenzy, or as Bart Simpson would say, “Don’t have a cow!!”) I always found it funny and still use it myself on occasion. Cracks my kids up.

    2. Waiting for the Sun*

      Propinquity (Pro Pink Witty when I’m feeling whimsical), gobsmacked, discombobulated.
      I’m a fan of NPR’s “A Way With Words” and it’s Facebook group.

    5. Marion Ravenwood*

      This is a bit random, but I like the word ‘ginnel’. It’s a northern English word commonly used to describe a narrow passage between buildings or an alleyway – really any kind of small cut-through. I like how the sound of it fits what it’s describing, in a sort of short and sharp and zigzaggy way.

      1. Nobody Special*

        Yes love it. I particularly like that they do not say what political party the president belongs to. I continue to enjoy it over the seasons though of course not all are equally good. Spoiler from the end of last season: looks like she may be running for president. We’ll see.

      2. Nobody Special*

        So you’ll probably like antepenultimate too. A friend likes pronouncing on December 29 that it is the antepenultimate day of the year.

    8. GoryDetails*

      Palimpsest: a manuscript page where the ink was scraped off so that it could be re-used, but where the initial writing (or multiple layers of writing) might still be made out. There are actually some rather thrilling historical discoveries based on analysis of such things – not to mention its value in mystery stories!

      I also like “defenestrate” and “fantods” – the latter was among Edward Gorey’s favorite words, and his illustrations often produce them.

      1. Sherm*

        I was going to say “lest,” too! I love how it’s a conjunction, and how that small word can connote so much. I just wish it sounded more modern. I don’t use it much, lest I sound like I’m 200 years old ;-)

    11. Middle School Teacher*

      I also love defenestrate. I have a whole list of words I love! Epistolary, callipygian, amanuensis, mere, mercurial… I have well over 100 on my list #englishteacherlife

    12. CatCat*

      Oh, I just learned a really good one yesterday!

      “Gallimaufry”, a jumble or confused medley of things.

      1. fposte*

        Hah, I was going to offer gallimaufrey! Instead I give you “quincunx.”

        If anybody read Edward Gorey’s Amphigorey books, they were great sources for such words, and there was even a nursery-rhyme style poem made of made of them.

            1. London Calling*

              I THINK – and given that the whole thing is packed with hermetic and mystical symbolism about which I had no clue whatsoever, he was arguing for intelligent design. But like I said, it went way over my head

    13. Slartibartfast*

      Bric-a-brac; bamboozle; whatchamacallit (my uncle in the Navy told me as a child this is the official word you’re supposed to use when you forget what an item is called); a fenestration is also what you call a hole in a surgical drape, so defenestrate can also mean to pull through a hole.
      Words are fun :)

      1. fposte*

        IMHO, one of the best words to learn in any new language is whatever the word is for “whatchamacallit” or “thingamajig.” It’s a way to be ignorant in a native kind of way.

      2. PhyllisB*

        If you live in the South, doohickey is the official term for item you don’t know what it’s called. If they still don’t understand, then whatchamacallit was the next official term.

    15. Videogame Lurker*

      Meander is one of my favorite words I can use at work (some creative cussing sequences are my actual favorite, reserved for gaming however).

      I also like the word “squish,” though I suspect that is because I come from a family of people who live under intrrnet bridges and yell at internet goats because a friend of mine *hates* that word and I kind of like it more because of that.

      I also generally like words that sound like sound effects or just a one word fitting description if the definition. Even better if it makes people look up the word to be sure of the meaning (again, bridge dweller).

    19. rogue axolotl*

      I have a million of these but a few that haven’t been mentioned yet: sesquipedalian, avuncular, widdershins, taradiddle. I also enjoy very specialized vocabulary–bookbinding has some good ones, like folio, deckle, quire, etc.

    20. Lore*

      Petrichor! I am just so delighted that there is a word for that very specific thing, and one I only recently learned. (Though I feel like there are more subtleties perhaps than a single word can encompass–like, rain on hot asphalt and rain on dry grass are not the same smell, and what is that distinct aroma of fresh corn that you sometimes-but-not-always get when it rains in the city?–but I’ll take it.)

      1. Lady Jay*

        Oooo, that’s another one of my favourites. I love the way it sounds, and I love what it describes as well.

    22. Canadian Natasha*

      Ooh, my favourite kind of post!

      Some of the words I like are lumous, perispacity, recapitulate, paraphernalia, and aegis.

      2. Reba*

        I love all the words where we have an un- or a mis- version still in use, but the root or positive counterpart has died out. I think the linguistic term is unpaired negatives.

        Uncouth. Unkempt. Ruthless. Disgruntled. Disconsolate.

        I also love contronyms, like weather (to withstand or to wear away) or cleave (to stick together or cut apart — these are actually different words that came to be spelled the same way).

      4. Ktelzbeth*

        The Milwaukee, WI, airport has (or had) a sign over the area after security that said “Recombobulation Area.”

    25. SavannahMiranda*

      Byzantine. As in a byzantine process for achieving something, implying obfuscating mystery and bureaucracy.

    29. Otillie Rae*

      “Anachronism.” Because it packs in so much meaning. It’s like, if you wanted to convey the same information without using that word, you’d need a sentence or more. And it’s just such an **interesting** word.

      I also like “alas.” I struggle sometimes with saying no to people, but honestly? Throwing “alas” into a “nope-I-can’t-do-this” email turns a no from excruciating into almost comfortable: “Your [proposed activity] sounds great! Alas, I won’t be able to take part.” I feel like my life changed a little bit when I stumbled onto the power of “alas.”

    30. PolicyChick*

      I like the word ‘onus’. It sounds funny. A friend of mine and me use it incorrectly, like, “Hey I think you have something on your sleeve.” “Is it some onus?”

      We are easily amused.

    31. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

      Effervescent & scintillating.
      I just love how they sound, and also the way my mouth feels when I say them!

  20. Kate Daniels*

    There was a comment thread here a few months ago about how to muster the energy to write after work when you feel exhausted, and one of the comments was life-changing! It was so simple, and yet something I had never thought of before: pick up a pen and notebook instead of trying to stare at a screen. Over the past three months, I have developed a consistent writing habit where I have written every day and have made great progress in filling up a notebook—much more than I ever have before (in the past, I’d get a few pages into a notebook and then quit). I set a low goal of just one page a day, but the results have added up over time!

    1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      Awesome. I’ve just done the exact same thing. I always write in a notebook. On days I’m blocked, that’s when I transcribe what I’m written before onto the computer. All I’d suggest is just to scan the written pages periodically in case something happens to your notebook (I travel with it all the time and am paranoid).

      1. Kate Daniels*

        That’s a great tip! I will probably spend some time this weekend scanning—it’s a little daunting now, so maybe a weekly scan is a new habit I need to incorporate into my routine.

        1. louise*

          Maybe just snap a picture of each page tobsave effort? Odds are you won’t lose the notebook, but quality of the photos should be adequate enough to capture it if you did.

      1. Kate Daniels*

        Yes! I am now looking into other habits I’d like to start slowly incorporating into my life now that this one has a solid place in my routine. I’m leaning toward something a bit more physical—maybe a morning walk or stretches to build my way up to yoga.

    3. A.N. O'Nyme*

      Yep – been doing first drafts on paper ever since I rediscovered fountain pens (used them in elementary school because Europe, stopped in secondary school (middle and high school combined, basically) and now rediscovered them). One of my biggest issues with word processors is that I keep wanting to write perfect lines immediately, whereas on paper I’ll just jot down a crappy line but who cares, it’s there, now I can move on.
      Write on!

  21. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

    Lots of fun music-related threads in the past few weeks. I have one more: What songs do you think would work great for commercials?

    I always envisioned Stevie Nicks’ “Talk to Me” in an AT&T commercial.
    I also have always imagined the Offspring’s “Come Out and Play” being adapted for a Jiffy Lube commercial. “You gotta keep ’em lubricated!”

    1. Lcsa99*

      Haha how about Johnny Cash’s Ring of Fire for a Heartburn Commercial?

      Fleetwood Mac’s Go Your Own Way for Buger King (you know – your way, right away)

      Heart’s Alone for a mortgage company? “How can I get you a loan?” … sorry, that one’s bad :)

    2. Waiting for the Sun*

      “Keep ‘em lubricated,” yes!
      Back when cell phones were a new thing, I thought “Radar Love” would have worked as backgrounds music in an ad for them.

    4. Waiting for the Sun*

      I’ve gotten over the idea that rock songs in commercials = sellout, for the most part. The exposure probably helps more obscure artists who could use the exposure.
      A few years ago, Target used Status Quo’s “Pictures of Matchstick Men” in an ad for summer products. I was so taken by the unfamiliar song that I googled it. Actually doesn’t relate to summer fun.

      1. TardyTardis*

        I liked the PlayStation 4 commercial where they used that song by Lou Reed–“Perfect Day”, which is totally different than “Perfect Day” by Hoku (Legally Blonde) and I adore both songs.

    5. LuJessMin*

      Not music related per se, but I think Doritos screwed up in the commercial where the guy asks the dog to fetch him a “bare naked”, and the dog fetches a bear. They should have let him finish with “lady” and then the dog fetches the Bare Naked Ladies. That would have funny.

    6. the gold digger*

      Related in spirit:

      I’ve always thought that the Mars Cheese Castle on the highway at the WI-IL border should get a giant billboard with Arnold saying, “Get your ass to Mars.”

    7. Waiting for the Sun*

      I love music threads and hope they become a free-for-all tradition. I have an idea for next week that I’ll save to prevent derailing this thread.

    8. Waiting for the Sun*

      Deep Purple’s “Highway Star” for any car.

      “Smoke on the Water” for property/casualty insurance or smoke detectors (maybe too obvious, and the surviving band members would certainly fight over royalties).

      Jefferson Airplane’s “Somebody to Love” for Our Time online dating.

      1. Waiting for the Sun*

        Heck, Queen’s 1970s separate song by the same name would fit the Our Time demographic, of which I am a member.

    9. Waiting for the Sun*

      Years ago, “Saturday Night Live” had a bit on this topic: “The Night My Cuianart Broke Down,” “Hey, hey! You, you! Leggo my Eggo!”

  22. Triplestep*

    Tell me how you clean your stainless steel appliances and sink, please.

    We’ve had our new kitchen for about 18 months, and I find that stainless steel actually stains! I’m not talking about fingerprints; my husband cooks and bakes a lot, and he doesn’t always wipe food off surfaces when it transfers from his hands, or when it drips down the font of the dishwasher. I have found some stubborn stains – they are tiny and not easy to see when you step back, but I know they are there and would like to remove them without scratching. In the case of the dishwasher, its definitely stuck on remnants of a drip that feel raised. On the fridge, its more of a discoloration.

    Our stainless steel sink came with a shiny finish and a rack that sits in the bottom to presumably hinder scratching. Instead food particles get trapped between the rack and the sink and have created stains that won’t come up using the manufacturer’s instructions to use dish soap. In the old days I would have used steel wool pads, but this is not one of those sinks that comes with kind of a hazed finish – it is a newer more sleek design. We chose it for it’s size and shape to clean up after all the baking, but if I could keep it from getting icky, I’d like it even better.

    Ideas anyone?

    1. AvonLady Barksdale*

      For the sink, get Barkeeper’s Friend. It comes in either liquid or powder. Both are good, but honestly, I haaaate the smell of the liquid (I think they both smell like urine, but the liquid is stronger to me). I put up with the smell because the stuff is awesome. Either that or Bon Ami, which is the same thing. If you don’t have access to either of these, a good scrub with baking soda and water will help. I sprinkle Barkeeper’s Friend all over the wet sink, scrub with a sponge, rinse away. It’s awesome. Also very good for shower doors and floors. I believe Soft Scrub works for this as well.

      For the appliances… I love the look of stainless steel but I hate the fingerprints. I wipe down with vinegar mostly (I use vinegar as an all-purpose cleaner), but every once in a while I put some olive oil on a soft cloth and rub with the grain. Makes things shiny and less prone to stains.

      2. Triplestep*

        I actually have Barkeepers Friend! I have used it on old enamel sinks and tubs, but I was afraid to use it since it has all those warnings on the label.

        As for Bon Ami, shame on me for not thinking of that – my mother has sworn by it since I was a little girl (and that’s like 50 years!)

        Thanks!

    2. Cleaning Person*

      LemiShine. It’s a modern miracle! It was originally for rinsing dishes in the dishwasher. I mentioned stains in the porcelain sink from the water to a friend, and she told me about it. I just dissolve it (it’s crystals, which would dissolve in the dishwasher) in hot water, and spray it on the offending area. I use it on my stainless steel sink – I either spray it on, or if I have used it for something else (in a dishpan to clean offending glass and other items – I have horribly hard water that leaves white marks if you splash water and don’t wipe it up) then I pour the dishpan full into the sink and let it sit for a while. The dish rack, which I was despairing of cleaning, sat in the sink too, and a light scrubbing afterwards got all the gunk off. And yes, I get those stains from the bottom of it too! Imperative – you MUST dissolve the crystals as if you just pour some on the sink and start to scrub, they will scratch. You’ll have to experiment with how much to use, but probably not as much as you think!

      1. Cleaning Person*

        Oh I should mention, when I spray it on, I leave it there for a while before I scrub it. And if I fill the sink, again, leave it there for a while. Soak other water stained items while you wait!

        1. Triplestep*

          I will try this for sure – is it available in the major grocery chains? I have never even heard of it. Thank you!

          1. Cleaning Person*

            You might have to check on line because I am in Canada. Here I have found it at Canadian Tire. Which carries more than tires!

    3. CAA*

      I use Weiman Stainless Steel Cleaner. It came as a sample with one of the appliances, and I just kept on using it. It comes in wipes or spray. I use the spray, because the one time I bought the wipes, they got dried out before I finished with them, which shows you how often I clean the appliances.

      You cannot keep a sink in a working kitchen looking shiny new. The rack in the bottom will keep it from getting any dents or deep gouges, but it will just naturally develop a more matte finish as you use it and clean it. You can also use the Weiman cleaner on the sink. Barkeepers Friend is also very good, but I like having fewer cleaners and using them for multiple jobs, so I stick with the Weiman spray because it’s more versatile than a powder.

      1. Triplestep*

        Thanks, I have the Weiman cleaner and found it to be just meh, but I will try it again. I agree with you about the sink ultimately getting scratches. I wish the sink had more of a patina on it – then I’d feel OK about using steel wool.

    4. Slartibartfast*

      Seconding Barkeeper’s Friend, and rubbing a little olive oil on a dry, freshly cleaned stainless surface, then wiping that with a dry cloth gives a nice sheen, like waxing your car.

    5. Old Cynic*

      For me, Bon Ami works better than Bar Keepers Friend.

      It did for 20 years. Then we went on vacation and the MIL stayed with the kids. She deemed it “no good!” since it doesn’t have anti bacterial properties. She went out and bought {something I’ve banished to the recesses of my mind} and scrubbed the sink scratching the hell out of it like sandpaper.

      20 years of care down the drain, no pun intended. And it’s an undermount sink so I can’t replace it without changing the granite.

      1. Triplestep*

        Oh my God, what a nightmare! I also have an undermount and I have actually considered buying a duplicate sink to keep in storage should anything happen to this one. (I was thinking more like huge gash or dent – not scratching). If you do ever want to replace yours, you can get a slightly larger inset sink and have the granite re-cut. You just nee to make sure your sink cabinet will work with it.

        See above where I wrote that I grew up with Bon Ami. It’s practically scandalous that I don’t have any in the house right now!

    6. epi*

      I just cleaned my sink the other day– I use a French press so there were tons of coffee stains.

      A plastic scrubber– they look like the steel wool kind but aren’t abrasive– was all it took. I was actually shocked at how well it worked, I had just been intending to wipe out the sink not make it shine. I was using Mrs. Meyers dish soap but I recommend Bon Ami as an add on if your normal methods aren’t getting the job done.

      1. Triplestep*

        I tried the plastic scrubber, and it didn’t work :-(

        But I have put Bon Ami on my shopping list – thanks!

    7. Blue_eyes*

      After cleaning with one of the methods recommended by others, take a rag and wipr down the appliances with mineral oil. Buff it out with a clean rag going with the grain of the stainless steel. It will stay clean for longer this way. You can also use the mineral oil to condition your wooden cutting boards.

    8. LCL*

      Since I am really lazy about cleaning products, I buy whatever stainless steel polish/cleaner is available in an aerosol can. They all seem to work. One one of these days I will go to bar mart and look for a commercial product that I used at restaurants.

      I have found with stainless, cleaning and polishing are two different things. When I need to clean food off stainless, I put any liquid soap in a bowl of hot water and scrub it off with something soft. That kind of cleaning gets done a lot. Follow it up with a bleach sanitize if necessary. Blot dry to catch drips, then apply the spray per directions if you want that new unblemished look. I like stainless because I learned from my commercial kitchen experience it is easily sanitized, but it never looks really nice unless you have some minimum wage workers around to polish the stuff. And the dog doesn’t have opposable thumbs so I can’t order him to do it.

      1. Triplestep*

        Thanks, I will try the soap and hot water trick. I came across a youtube video showing someone cleaning his car upholstery this way. He had the spray bottle in one hand and a shop vac in the other, and he just kept alternating. I tried it and it worked great! Maybe I’ll get double duty out of my sprayer the next time I fill it with soap and hot water … thanks!

      1. The New Wanderer*

        I use baking soda and add some vinegar to make it fizz, then scrub with a plastic bristle scrub brush. Seems to work well, and it definitely looks cleaner.

  23. Washi*

    This has already happened but I’m curious about others’ opinions. Last week I was having a close friend and her new-ish boyfriend over for dinner, and I asked if he had any allergies or particular food preferences. She told me “we’re trying not to eat a lot of carbs, especially pasta and bread.” Then when I was asking her a bit more about what kinds of things would be ok, she said she recognized that this might be difficult and offered to bring…cheese and crackers.

    I guess that was partly one me for phrasing my question like that (I just meant like, does he really hate raisins or something) but I found that response weirdly annoying. Is it rude to tell your host about your self-imposed and inconsistently adhered-to diet restrictions? Or among close friends is it ok to ask someone not to go heavy on the carbs?

    1. Blossom*

      I know what you mean. Before a recent dinner, I had a friend supply a list of foods their new partner just isn’t too keen on. I found it a little too much (in this case, the friend is a real people-pleaser type who was anxious about everything being just right for the partner).

      I think it’s safer to frame the question as “let me know if there are any dietary requirements” rather than “tell me about your preferences”.

      I have a strict dietary requirement, but beyond that I would cope with whatever I’m served. It’s unlikely that the entire meal won’t be to my taste, and if I dislike the taste of one ingredient I can be discreet about it.

      That said, if I’m cooking for one friend and I know they hate broccoli, I’m obviously not going to make broccoli a feature of the meal, and I’ll probably get their input before starting to cook. It’s when you’re trying to balance the requirements of a dozen people that you really don’t need someone piping up with “I don’t really like carrots”.

    2. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I hate this part of hosting. “Is there anything you can’t or don’t eat?” is a fine question and should be answered with, “He’s a vegetarian,” “She’s allergic to fish,” “I don’t tolerate nightshades well.” I can work with that. If you have celiac disease, then tell me, because then I’ll say that I can’t host you in my home and suggest we go out (I have a friend with celiac who loves food and for whom I would love to cook, but it’s way too risky). Beyond that? It’s ok with me if you turn down the roasted mushrooms because they’re not your jam*, but it gets really frustrating to be given a laundry list of preferences. I’d much rather be told, “You know, I’m keeping carbs to a minimum, so why don’t we meet up at Keto House instead?”

      A very good friend of mine came over for dinner and I served roasted mushrooms. She ate them, then told me she hated mushrooms but wanted to try mine and she loved them. I never served mushrooms to her again (and she was always surprised that I remembered), but I appreciated her willingness to try something.

    3. Overeducated*

      Yeah, I asked a friend who visited recently about any dietary restrictions or foods ahe couldn’t eat and she answered something along the lines of “avoid carbs, lean meat and fish, steamed veggies.” Which is sort of the opposite of my family’s mostly vegetarian diet, meat/fish with plain veg on the side is very foreign to us, and I know she’s also very picky about non-western spicing that is a large part of our diet, so I racked my brain for ideas and I checked with her about whether several were edible for her. She suggested making a fatty cheese dip with baguette that she really liked, and then I realized those were NOT dietary restrictions, they were guidelines for her idea of healthy eating. So a lot of worry for nothing. I was slightly annoyed too.

      1. Nancy*

        “avoid carbs, lean meat and fish, steamed veggies.” I would have served bacon. Lots and lots of bacon.

      2. The New Wanderer*

        That’s kind of ambiguous to me, because I’ve never heard of someone avoiding lean meat and steamed veggies as a rule. Fish maybe, because that’s less of a universal taste. Did she mean to avoid carbs, lean meat, fish, and veggies, or did she mean avoid carbs BUT lean mean, fish, and steamed veggies were her preference?

        I went to two separate dinners where the entree was something fairly common but that I really don’t like and wouldn’t be able to eat enough of to escape notice, and it ended up being really uncomfortable for the hosts and me. However, if I’d been asked ahead of time, I probably wouldn’t have mentioned it (not an allergy or restriction) unless the hosts specifically said “we’re planning to serve X”. That’s how I phrase it if we have people over, which once saved me from serving a non-paleo meal to a paleo guest. But, sometimes you can’t avoid a food/guest mismatch.

        1. Overeducated*

          She meant the second.

          I guess the issue for me is that I already knew this friend didn’t like much spicy/foreign/”weird” food, and a lot of what we eat is vegetarian and non-American, so most of the stuff we did intersect on previously involved carbs and/or dairy. (We have known each other many years.) Low carb and low fat ruled out a lot of what we used to eat together, and then turned out not to be a thing.

    4. Victoria Nonprofit (USA)*

      I’m not following your objection. Is it that they’re making a specific request? Or that you’re frustrated that they’re being inconsistent because they’re bringing crackers?

      I suppose every friend group has its own norms, but IMO it’s totally legit for close friends to make requests like this — especially when it’s a small group so the host isn’t juggling 25 different dietary preferences. And in this case, you explicitly asked about preferences… so it seems unfair to be frustrated that they offered them.

      As for the cheese and crackers and carbs, I don’t really see much inconsistency there. Perhaps they planned to skip the crackers themselves, or they’re fine with eating a few crackers’ worth of carbs but not a whole plate of spaghetti.

      So overall: I think you’re being unkind. In the future, if you’re not game for accommodating dietary preferences, you could instead invite them over for a specific meal (“Want to come over for spaghetti and meatballs next wrekend?”)

      1. Washi*

        I think my frustration is that it was NOT a very specific request. “Bob hates potatoes” would have been fine, but “we’re trying to not eat a lot of carbs or dairy [forgot to add that part above] but I can bring cheese and crackers” was just not very helpful. She said crackers are ok because they are light and cheese is ok because she can’t live without cheese, which left me trying to figure out what is a light vs. heavy carb and whether I could include diary.

        I guess even with clsoe friends, I only tell them about dietary stuff that’s truly a restriction – I just say I’m a vegetarian and don’t give a long list of the other things I will eat but am not thrilled about, because they are my friends trying to cook me a meal, not a restaurant. But it sounds like for other people, a close friendship means feeling more comfortable listing more preferences!

        1. Courageous cat*

          Yeaaaaaaaaaah but keto isn’t much more of a “preference” than vegetarianism is. If you want to stay in ketosis you literally cannot eat more than a certain amount (like 25ish grams) of carbs per day, so eating dinner at a friend’s house could mess that up.

          Idk, I’m obviously biased because I only recently stopped being keto and am planning to go back, but I don’t see the problem here.

          1. Triplestep*

            I think the problem is that the dinner invitation should not have been accepted in the first place if the person was strictly keto, and if she was NOT strictly keto (or even strictly low carb) why mention it at all and give the host the headache? The same friend that requested “low carb” then offered to bring cheese and crackers, so how low carb could she be? (I guess she could have planned to bring low carb crackers?) It’s just not what a host is expecting when she politely asks about food restrictions.

            I’m on a pretty strict low carb/moderate protein diet to lose weight and it’s working well. It means I can’t really have anyone cook for me right now, so I’d opt to go out where I could order a salad with grilled chicken.

        2. Juli G.*

          I get that. “We don’t eat much carbs and dairy – also I’m bringing carbs and dairy.” Okay so… is that your daily allotment? Can I put two tablespoons of milk in the sauce? Can I serve sweet potatoes because it’s low enough carbs on some diets and not on others? Frustrating!

        3. Indie*

          When I was trying to stay in ketosis, and (close friend) hosts asked me this question, I would name ‘things I can eat’ and not stop the suggestions until I saw the lights come on in their eyes. Or I’d ask if the carbs could be put in a different bowl (and I’d have my curry or chilli with sour cream instead of rice)

      2. Cambridge Comma*

        I think it’s rude to cut out a whole food group and make your host’s job that much harder for something you’re just trying to eat less of rather than something you hate or can’t eat. Either help yourself to fewer potatoes or cut down for the next few days.

    5. Kathenus*

      I’ve sometimes given people a couple of choices – hey I was thinking pasta alfredo or tarragon chicken – do either of these sound good to you? In your example it might have led to them saying the chicken sounded great because they were cutting down on carbs. I’ll also sometimes ask if I tend to use an ingredient that tends to depend a lot on peoples’ specific tastes/likes, or have that ingredient on the side. Since you reference her as a close friend, and you asked the question, I think giving more detail seems OK. If it was a more casual friendship, or she started listing likes/dislikes (versus dietary restrictions) without prompting, then it might have seemed a bit more out of place to me.

    6. Traffic_Spiral*

      I suppose that among close friends you can get a little more specific about your likes and dislikes, but personally, picky eaters don’t get invited to my place for dinner. If someone’s gonna be a PITA about food, then I’m not cooking for them – same as not travelling with a bad traveler (don’t travel with a picky eater either).

    7. Parenthetically*

      I’m one of those weirdos who plays best in the kitchen when I have some restrictions and love finding a way to work within them for the sake of my friends. I have a friend who’s allergic to eggs, dairy, wheat, corn, soy, and turkey, of all things… so I make Thai curry whenever she comes over. I have some dear friends who are vegan. I don’t do well with picky adults (or indeed picky teenagers!), but I also love to show love to my friends by ensuring they can eat with abundance at my house.

      That being said, anyone who said “can’t eat much dairy or carbs; will bring dairy and carbs” would definitely grind my gears!

      1. DataGirl*

        I have so many allergies it’s overwhelming to tell people all the things I can’t eat, so usually I just pick and choose from what they serve. That being said, now that I’m gluten free on top of everything else I would mention that but everything else just freaks people out.

      2. Bluebell*

        I also enjoy working with people’s preferences. Usually we only have one or two groups of guests at a time and try not to overlap the picky eater couple with the friends who love Indian food. Often I’ll run a menu by guests and ask for feedback !

    8. Chaordic One*

      There’s a big difference between having an actual food allergy and having a preference for some foods. I’ll eat at least a small portion of almost anything that I’m not allergic to, and I think of it being a good guest.

      Obviously pasta, potatoes and rice were out for your friend, but if I were in your friend’s position and you weren’t offering suggestions I might interject with chicken or beef or fish or ham or pork as a main dish and then much some sorts of vegetables and/or salads taking care to avoid the things I’m allergic to. I try to let the host have as much freedom to fix whatever she wants and how she wants it.

      With food allergies I do find that I have to give a lot of people more detailed information because most of them don’t realize that most mayonnaise and salad dressings contain soybean oil, or that butter and most cheese are made from cow’s milk and are considered dairy. Then if they’re puzzled about how to proceed I tell them about things to substitute, like lactose-free milk and cheese, or goat’s cheese, or soy-free margarine like some of the ones made by “Earth Balance.”

  24. SparklingStars*

    I posted a couple of weeks ago about possibly having to cancel my trip to Italy b/c my cat Lilly had suddenly become seriously ill. Unfortunately, I did have to cancel the trip – I looked at all of the available options, but I think I made the right decision. Even more unfortunately, it was too late to get any of my money back, so now I’ll be saving up again for a while. I did learn a valuable lesson – if you get travel insurance, consider getting the cancel-for-any-reason policy, even though it costs a little bit more.

    Lilly is holding her own for the time being. She needs to be coaxed to eat anything, and I have to give her liquid medication in a syringe every day, which she hates – but she still has an amazing amount of energy for a 13 year old cat (especially since she’s not eating much), and she still loves her snuggle times. Most of the time, she doesn’t seem sick at all, except that she doesn’t eat as much as she should. I’m keeping a close eye on her, and I plan to enjoy the time we have left together.

    1. nep*

      Oh, SparklingStars, I feel for you. Sorry you had to cancel but what a beautiful thing you did to spend time with Lilly. Italy will always be there.
      Sorry you’re having to see her struggle. Hope you’ll get in lots of snuggles and as you said, enjoy every moment you’ve got with her.
      Thanks for sharing this.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Good choice. You will forget about the lost money in years to come but you will never forget that you were there for her.

      I am sorry about your trip.

    3. Cruciatus*

      I’m sorry you had to cancel and about your kitty. I don’t know if she’s just uninterested in eating or has trouble eating so this advice may not be at all helpful. I have an 18-year-old cat that I think we just have weeks or months with. She still wants to eat but her teeth/mouth are horrible and she has some sort of constantly bleeding sore on the outside of her mouth (makes it super fun come pill time). Anyway, I found this pureed food for older cats online–Hartz Delectables. It could be sold in some stores, but unfortunately not locally at mine. I bought it at Chewy and had to pay a few dollars for shipping since I didn’t buy enough for free shipping–but my cat loves the stuff! I got the Bisque one–no chunks to get stuck in the crevasses of her mouth. She will still eat her Friskies pate, but when she’s about to give up, I can also add some Bisque on top and she’s interested again. I also use just the Bisque for pills I’m able to crush up for her. Eats it all up! I don’t have to worry she’s not getting her medicines. (I also bought a Tiki Cat Stix with Tuna Mousse flavor as a wet treat. When even the younger cat hears those open she comes running and wants some too! But for the older cat, it helps to know she’s getting a little hydration at least, as well as some calories).

    4. Long Time Fed*

      I’m glad Lilly is holding her own.
      I had to cancel a Disney World trip last month for the same reason – my cat Walt suddenly went into congestive heart failure. It was a rough couple of weeks. Now we know he has cardiomyopathy. He’s on Lasix and it’s helped a lot. We got it in liquid form and if we stir it into his food (and stir and stir and stir) he’ll eat it without a problem. Walt is difficult to medicate so I’m relieved that for now this is working. I hope Lilly continues to do ok.

  25. Lillian not Lilly*

    How honest are you guys when answering depression screening questions from your family doctor or medical specialists (who are not treating you for mental issues)? I’m thinking of when they ask questions (or ask you to fill out a form asking questions) such as how often do you feel hopeless, do you feel like a failure, do you have thoughts of hurting yourself, do you feel tired, etc. Does anyone know what they do with your answers?

    I’ve always just answered as if I have no issues at all even though I do have some issues because I don’t know what they do with the information and it seemed weird and intrusive to be asked these things when I was seeing a doctor about an ear infection or some other totally unrelated thing. I have one to fill out for an appointment next week and I’m not sure what to do.

    1. Ender*

      Is your doctor making you fill out the same form every time you go? That’s kind of weird. Don’t they have you medical history on file?

      1. Lillian not Lilly*

        I actually see a specialist for a chronic illness, and am switching doctors right now. The depression screening questions came with the packet of information they want me to fill out before my first appointment.

        But I’ve gotten asked the screening questions by my family doctor several times, and I’m fairly sure I’ve been asked by other doctors before.

        1. CAA*

          Do you take any medications that can have the side effect of “suicidal thoughts or feelings”? If you do, please don’t lie or decline to fill out that form.

      2. Smarty Boots*

        The thing is, although they have your medical history, your symptoms and/or concerns may change. Also, I’ll bet that people fib, or forget, or get new info. A couple years ago I discovered that my dad and brother have a minor heart condition that can run in families, they’d had it for years but had not mentioned it to anyone else in the family because it just didn’t occur to them to do so — so that was something I added the next time I was at my doc’s office, and she checked for it (don’t have it, whew!) . Asking those questions every time, while annoying to the patient, is probably useful to the doc.

    2. anon24*

      I never used to answer them honestly. Last time I had a regular check up with my family Dr I did answer honestly and it led to a wonderful discussion with her about stressors in my life and coping tactics. I’m glad I was honest, if only because she told me that I shouldn’t feel guilty if occasionally I don’t have the energy to get out of bed and spend a day off laying around. I always felt more depressed for doing that but my Dr pointed out that I have a lot of stress with my job and if occasionally sleeping all day helps me feel better then it’s actually healthy to do. It was actually a relief to admit that I struggle and I wasn’t pushed to try an antidepressant, which is why I was never honest before.

      1. Lillian not Lilly*

        That’s good to hear. Maybe I’ll be honest this time.

        I was worried that admitting that I have some issues might turn it into a big deal where I’d be coerced into taking a medication or seeing a therapist, or where having it in my medical records could come back to bite me somehow. (One of my issues is having anxiety about everything, so over-worrying about something like this makes sense for me.)

        I wouldn’t mind just having a discussion.

        1. LilySparrow*

          Nobody can coerce you into any medical treatment you don’t want. Even if you were put on an involuntary 72-hour hold, the bar for that is quite high and the circumstances are limited.

          Even “I sometimes have thoughts of hurting myself” does not equal “imminent danger to self or others”.

          1. AnonForThis*

            Yes, they can. If you mention suicidal thoughts or ideation you can be placed on a72-hour hold and the bar is NOT high. I went to the hospital with a panic attack and ended up in lock-down for a week. Once you are in the psych ward, you have to either agree to stay as long as they want you to or go to court in which case they can keep you there for a long, long time, so it’s best to agree to stay even if you don’t want to. That may vary by state and I will say that if a person is truly on the verge of killing themselves they are better off locked up where they can’t do it until their meds can hopefully be changed, but in general most of us who have been in that situation have learned to be very careful what we say to a medical professional.

            1. ..Kat..*

              RN here. I am sorry that this happened to you. I hope it was not recently. It is supposed to be very hard to involuntarily commit someone in the USA. They have to have a hearing before a judge within 72 hours, and the psychiatric team better have their ducks in a row (and very good, very specific, highly legalized reasons) to keep you involuntarily committed. There are serious legal repercussions for illegally holding someone without their consent. And this was the case decades ago when I had a clinical as a nursing student in Texas at the state mental hospital.

              You can easily google the law in your state.

              1. AnonForThis*

                That was in 2013, and most of the other people there had similar stories. Anyone who went to the ER and had any sort of reference to self-harm were locked up. In my case, I had a bad panic attack at work and while in the ER was a bit hysterical because in the past 6 months I had three friends die from suicide, but I wasn’t suicidal myself. I was still admitted against my will (handcuffed to the gurney for the ambulance transport “for my safety”). In the for-profit psychiatric hospital were told if we didn’t sign to stay voluntarily, a hearing would go very bad for us so it was better to agree to stay and hope to get out in a week or two, instead of be committed for months. FWIW- I did file a complaint with the State when I got out (there was also abuses of power at the hands of the doctors and nurses) but no one ever followed up.

                1. ..Kat..*

                  I am sorry that this happened to you. It definitely should not have. And more that one person involved in your ‘commitment’ violated the law.

              2. AnonForThis*

                I also know several people, both adults and teens who have been committed after going to the ER with depression or anxiety attacks.

                1. ..Kat..*

                  Unless they are a danger to themselves or others (or in the case of minors, a parent gave consent), this was illegal.

    3. Not a Mere Device*

      I think (not an expert here) that they do two things with those. One is to find possible problems that you don’t mention, because you don’t think X is a problem; e.g., you may think “sure, I feel helpless sometimes, doesn’t everyone?” and have no idea of whether you have those feelings more often than other people. The other thing they do is keep track of change over time, so they can tell whether things are getting better or worse.

      It’s a bit like what they call vital signs, where part of what they’re looking for is change, even within a normal range. For a given person, 160 pounds and 175 pounds might both be healthy weights–but if your patient who weighed 175 pounds last week weighs 160 this week that’s something to be concerned about.

      If it really feels intrusive, you don’t have to fill it out in the waiting room–you can take the blank form in with you and ask the doctor about it. (I tell mine that they’re welcome to weigh me as long as they don’t tell me the numbers; tracking it myself has been bad for my mental health in the past, but I trust this doctor’s office to know the difference between “Ms. Device doesn’t want to talk about dieting” and “Ms. Device has unexplained weight loss, which should be investigated.

    4. Brelade*

      I’m not terribly honest about it but I do say there’s a family history of depression and that I do occasionally go through periods when I don’t feel ok but I tend to bounce back.

      When my mom was being treated for terminal cancer in the last year or two she was open about how she had depression and had had it for most of her life. We’re taught today that times have moved on and people should be open etc. She passed from advanced cancer metastasis that the medical professionals (including hospice nurses) refused to believe she had as she had depression and was probably being dramatic about how much pain she was in. Those words came out of their mouths to me. Off topic I know but my point is that the medical profession is not as enlightened or accepting as we might hope.

      1. Observer*

        The problem here- and it’s a MAJOR, MAJOR issue is that it’s not true that they didn’t believe her because she confessed to depression. What I mean is that they were not telling you the truth. The simple, and extremely serious, fact is that many medical professionals discount women’s descriptions of their pain because “they are being dramatic”, or because “they are REALLY depressed, not in pain.” This is true even for women who have no personal or family history of depression.

    5. Rebecca*

      Not very! I learned my lesson about answering questions honestly a while ago. It was winter, and I had been shoveling snow a few days before, and slipped and fell on the ice under the snow in my driveway. It was just a dumb accident…I wasn’t hurt, should have had my ice cleats on but was too lazy to do it, so down I went.

      Nurse asked “have you fallen in the last month?” and I answered yes, in my driveway, and omg she started in with all these questions about dizziness, shortness of breath, on and on – I finally cut her off and told her that I fell on the ice while shoveling, it had nothing to do with health issues per se, but my clumsiness and having ice under my feet where I didn’t expect it.

      I answer most of the questions sort of generally so I don’t feel judged. It’s bad enough I’m overweight and get the “I see we’ve lost 2 lbs since last time, keep up the good work” or “I see we’ve gained a few pounds since last time, your BMI is blah blah blah…” ugh, I’m here because it’s my yearly checkup…I get it…I’m overweight…sighs.

      If I was truly having issues, I’d tell them, but as a rule, I keep things to myself.

    6. Madge*

      I’m at the point where I’m declining to answer those questions. My clinic (part of a big teaching hospital) has everyone complete a form that includes mental health questions before every appointment. No one ever says anything or even looks at it during the appointment, it just seems like data they collect. I’ve been in there a lot since I had an injury and I just got tired of doing the work of comparing how I feel with their imperfect system of measurement. So I stopped. I’ve figured out where to “drop the ball” in the process so no one gets reprimanded. (take the form and hand it in blank) I know I’m in a situation where, as someone with an anxiety diagnosis on record, they’d really like to know how I’m doing emotionally, but I just don’t have the energy for that. If they want to know they can ask me in person.

      1. the gold digger*

        A lot of those questions are in the None of Your Business category to me. It’s not my doc’s business if I own a gun or if I wear a seatbelt.

        Smoking and sunblock, yeah – but honestly, if at my age, I don’t know that smoking is bad and sunblock is good, there is no help for me.

        I fell off my bike and hit my face. Prescription sunglasses ruined, but fortunately, the helmet was just fine.

        I am sitting there with an enormous bleeding contusion on the entire side of my face. They ask me – with Primo right next to me – if I feel safe at home.

        I laughed and said, “First, I fell off my bike. Second, if my husband was beating me, do you think I would tell you while he was sitting next to me?”

        1. Smarty Boots*

          Well, but that’s you. I do think these questions are helpful for lots of people (especially women) who are not safe at home. That’s a reasonable health question to ask and it can help the doctor help that person. There’s no way for the doctor to know ahead of time whether a patient is or isn’t safe at home, so they ask everybody. And people may be willing to tick off a box that says “no” rather than working up the courage to say to a doctor, face to face, my boyfriend threatens to shoot me.

          Too, even if this time, or every time for the last 15 years, the answer is “yes, I’m safe at home” and so the question is annoying. And then suddenly your circumstances change and the answer is “no I’m not safe.” If the doc stopped asking just because you were ok all those other times, she wouldn’t know things had changed for the worse.

          1. Ann O.*

            I believe that question is helpful to some people, but I find it very offputting when it’s asked in such a rote way. I’m not in an abusive relationship, so maybe what I find offputting is actually the best way to do it.

            However, they shouldn’t be asked when the partner is sitting right next to the patient, which was the gold digger’s main point. They need to be asked when the patient is alone so that it is safe for them to answer.

            1. Lehigh*

              I like that they ask it as a matter of rote. Of course it does seem silly to ask with the family member right there. However, I’m guessing they always have to ask it (b/c of what Smarty Boots noted, it’s probably policy), and yet could see that gold digger had only fallen off of her bike and didn’t want to ask her husband to leave just to get the question done. If I recall correctly, they’ve asked my husband with me in the room, when he was obviously in for something I couldn’t have caused and he (also obviously) wanted me to stay.

          2. TL -*

            Yeah, one of my doctor coworkers asked me if my roommate hit me when I came in with a full face of makeup (I don’t normally wear any.) I laughed really hard and pulled back my hair to show her my ears – I was hiding a pretty bad sunburn, not bruises.

            But in all honesty, I appreciated the concern and the fact that if something had been going on, she was clearly willing to pass on resources or have a difficult conversation with me.

        2. Smarty Boots*

          I was in a car accident and the airbags smashed the glasses off my face and left me with spectacular face, chest, and upper arm bruises. I was grateful to every person (the waitress at the coffee shop, the guy in the grocery story checkout line, my boss) who asked if someone had hit me. I’m glad people were willing to make both of us feel awkward because they were concerned about a woman who looked beat up. Because plenty of people just looked away.

        3. Spearmint Patty*

          I was 8 months pregnant and woke up in the middle of the night with what I guess was food poisoning. I vomited with so much gusto that I broke the blood vessels in the whites of my eyes and my whole face was bruised and swollen. I looked like I’d been beaten. My husband took me to the hospital to make sure that I was OK. The doctor took one look at me, pulled me aside and quietly asked me who had done that to me. I heard someone talking about calling the police! I finally convinced him that it was from the vomiting- the bruises on both sides of my face were perfectly symmetrical, which would be almost impossible for someone hitting me to do. But my poor husband got lots of dirty looks for the few hours we were there!

          1. MsChanandlerBong*

            I take blood thinners, so I basically bruise if you look at me the wrong way. My poor husband gets looks sometimes, but he would never hurt me. I have a huge bruise on my wrist right now, and I didn’t even hurt myself; it’s from having my wrist on the edge of my desk while using my computer!

        4. ..Kat..*

          RN here. They are supposed to ask that question and two other questions in this vein every time you go to a hospital. It is a requirement in the USA – it is part of every admission data base. BUT you are supposed to be asked privately. And, if a patient replies that they are being abused or unsafe, we have a social worker consult (again in private) where we offer resources and referrals if the patient wants to get out of the abusive situation.

          The depression screening is also mandatory in hospitals (not sure about doctors offices). A lot of people in the USA suffer from undiagnosed/untreated depression. Suicide rates are ever increasing. If you don’t want to fill out the form, just decline to answer. Shame on the providers that want you to fill out forms and don’t read them!

        5. Earthwalker*

          I had to bring in photos of my unusual sport activity to prove my story to my gynaecologist, who had been pretty sure all those bruises on my legs were my husband’s fault. On the one hand, I was glad he was checking. On the other, he was pretty insistent that I ‘fess up about being beaten at home. I don’t know where it would have gone if I didn’t have photo evidence exonerating my husband.

    7. Book Lover*

      It’s a PHQ9, it is kind of like asking about partner abuse, just standard screening so you can help people who need it, regardless of why they are coming in. Especially in a specialty setting, many patients with chronic illness have depression or anxiety and it is just another thing to address. If you don’t want to answer it, then don’t, but I don’t see any benefit in lying. Depression and anxiety shouldn’t be stigmatized and you shouldn’t feel as though you can’t talk about the way you feel, if it is an issue.

      I mean, when I am seen I get a sheet of yes no questions from problems with my eyesight to problems with my bowels. If I am just in for an earache, even if any of those issues exist but are not a problem, I just don’t respond they are a problem. But if I want help with my hearing (or whatever) it can be a prompt to discuss further.

      1. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

        The PHQ-9 answers are tracked over time in the electronic medical record, so they can follow the ‘trend.’ The thing is, technically, they are only suppose to ask the first 2, as a preliminary screen, unless you have a trigger answer on one of them. If so, you forever more get the full 9.
        And, you have to remember it is a snapshot. One bad day, and you may look like you are headed downhill, and three months later, you don’t even remember what that bad day was about. And what may look like a bad “score” for anyone else can be a good score for “you.”
        In some clinical guidelines / systems, if you are on an antidepressant, they are required to give you the screener every “X” months as part of the follow up.
        It is freely downloadable and if you are interested you can google the “PHQ-9” and learn lots more.

    8. Mimmy*

      I had to fill out a form the other day for a physical – it was just two questions and I answered honestly. My doctor knows I am on medication for anxiety/depression though, so she didn’t make a big deal out of my answers.

    9. Not So NewReader*

      My husband had a doc who vehemently told me, “No one ever lies to their doctors.”

      I would love to show her this thread. But I won’t.

      I lie to the docs. I don’t want a bunch of drugs . I tried that, I got really stoned and could not function. It was worse than the problem I came in for. And if I asked about side effects, I’d hear “No problems, its’ fine.” Yeah. Okay.

      The docs who don’t write a script for every single thing are the ones I can talk with.

    10. char*

      It’s funny, it never occurred to me NOT to be honest on those forms. My clinic asks me to fill one out every time I go in. Honestly, not sure how much they even look at them – sometimes I fill it out but then no one even asks for it and I end up accidentally leaving with it in my pocket.

      I think what Not a Mere Device says about tracking changes over time sounds plausible. I’ve actually found filling these out useful for myself if I notice I’m rating things much differently from the last time I was in. Sometimes my mental health gets worse without me fully realizing it, so filling out the form can be a wake-up call if my scores are significantly worse than when I last filled it out.

    11. Triple Anon*

      That stuff is problematic because in a mental health setting, you would be given the opportunity to provide context. For example, “I feel like a failure but I don’t know why,” is really different from, “I feel like a failure because my partner tells me I am,” versus, “I feel like a failure because I’m struggling to pay my bills.” And even in mental health settings, there isn’t enough attention to this.

      It’s a good thing that people are being screened for mental health issues, but the way it’s currently being done is really inappropriate. People are being pathologized for having unrelated stuff going on whereas people who do have mental health needs are falling through the cracks. I would be skeptical of those questions and just skip them or check “no,” or add notes – whatever seems best.

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        Yes, context is so important. I had to fill out one of these before I was discharged from the hospital. Are you feeling more tired than usual? Well, let’s see, I had a heart attack, but it wasn’t diagnosed properly, so I had to spend six more days in the hospital, all while nurses and aides were coming and going every couple of hours and my IV pump was beeping and my heart monitor was screeching. Yeah, I’m more tired than usual. Have you felt like you would be better off dead? Let’s see…we just spent $3,100 to move into a new house, I used up all my PTO and will not get paid for the time I spent in the hospital this week, I’m going to have a $7,500 bill to pay, and I feel useless because I literally can’t do anything without feeling like I’m going to pass out. Yeah, I had the fleeting thought that it would be easier to be dead. But I don’t feel like that under normal circumstances.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Our systems can be us up pretty thoroughly. It’s always been interesting to me that the docs are not concerned AT ALL about the stress they cause us and how that stress interferes with our healing process.

          1. Observer*

            Actually, one of the interesting side effects of tracking this data has been the beginning of an understanding of medically induced medical problems. To take a small example – “white coat hypertension”. It turns out that it’s a real thing – people get uncharacteristically high blood pressure readings in the doctor’s office.

            Of course, this only works is you have a LOT of data.

            1. Not So NewReader*

              I’d love to see a study on this question right here, how many lie to their doctor and why.

            2. TL -*

              Two of my friends have white coat syndrome! One of them got hooked up to a bp monitor for a minor medical procedure and her blood pressure dropped to 90/70 (instead of its normal read of 135/80) just because she was calm and lying in bed and not thinking about the doctor.

      2. TardyTardis*

        If you’re in the military, there are good reasons for going to a private doctor with mental health issues rather than talking to the military doctors–even if you are coping well, and even if you need certain meds to cope well, you can be considered not qualified for certain duties (even if you really are, because you’re not stupid and you’re taking the meds). For one thing, if you are really not coping, you are likely to become separated and thrown into the VA system, which is already not coping terribly well with problems like TBI, let alone non-TBI related meds.

    12. Videogame Lurker*

      I tried to when I came in after a panic attack, but I told the doctor that honestly, it could be possible that I am at a baseline of sad far more than I think I am, but I think it is normal. I explained what had happened before my panic attack, and it as the cause, which I felt was more useful than the paper, because *on paper* I looked to be a healthy person.

      I had undiagnosed depression a few years ago, but didn’t report it while depressed (okay, may still have it because no one “gets over” depression, just have better tools to keep it from interfering with life) because I was just in fo my yearly checkups, and convinced there wasn’t anything wrong with spending hours staring at a flat surface instead of flooding the nearby fast food restaurants with my applications because they hadnt called me back after the last several months of applying every few weeks, or if they did they wanted someone with more experience (nearly five years volunteering at public library didn’t count as work EXP).

      The source of my panic was because I grew up taking on the self-expectation of me being the emotional caretaker if my chronically ill (most likely to be Cause of Death for my) mother (who was diagnosed as a twelve year old kid, so long before I was born), and getting into a really nasty argument where it came out (badly phrased among other things) that I couldn’t deal well with her illness (especially as other conditions cropped up, possibly due to me feeding into them as a passive enabler). This came out with the realization that I was grieving for someone who wasn’t even dead yet, and had taken on the role of emotional caretaker at a young age believing that if I were “good enough” she wouldn’t get sick.

      Oh, and there is a stigma against asking for help that may be a factor against being honest. If honesty will do a person more (perceived) harm than good to themself, a “soft” lie can be the more frequent answer received.

      TLDR- Those forms are biased one way, the human is biased another eay, and one person’s “normal” is another person’s “unusual”.

      1. ..Kat..*

        You might have been grieving not having a loving, normal mother who didn’t force you to be the adult when you were just a child.

        I’m sorry you had to go through this.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Sometime we lose them twice, once in the process of living life and again in death. Death has its finality because up to that point one can hope some day in the future will be wildly different than things are now. The much improved future never happens and then they pass away so the much improved future will never happen. It’s like be adrift at sea in a little canoe and no help is coming. It’s a huge effort to get your bearings and get on a course, any course.

    13. LilySparrow*

      Yes, because some of those things are symptoms/side effects of other diseases or medication problems.

      I think if my mom had been honest about her major depression, the docs might have caught her heart disease much earlier – because they are both co-morbid with long-term diabetes, and they are related.

      She decided she just wanted her insulin prescription and didn’t want anyone to think she was “crazy”. But it was the heart attack that killed her.

      I like and trust my doctor, and I know she knows a lot more about this stuff than I do. I want her to have all the info she needs to see patterns.

      Like when I was worried last year about my daughter maybe having anxiety, our doctor suggested we address her gut health first and then see a therapist if things didn’t improve in a month or so. She was right – the probiotics cleared it up.

    14. mm203*

      Providers/medical groups are given incentive payments based on the “quality of care” provided. If your doctor is a part of a physician organization/medical group, it is likely that they are being monitored for this screening as a quality measure.

      Where I work, there are a couple of quality measures that are monitored that have to do with PHQ-9s. One is whether or not the patient was screened that year and another one is providing intervention to PHQ-9 scores over a certain score, and monitoring that score over time to make sure it goes down with intervention.

      Good practice for organizations is to offer the PHQ-9 at every encounter the patient has (even if not a primary care visit) if the patient is showing up as “overdue” for the screening on their medical record.

      1. Ktelzbeth*

        And in some cases have to show they are meeting the quality measures to get full reimbursement from insurance (usually federal programs, if you’re in the USA).

        As a doctor, my advice would be to answer honestly. I can’t help you if I don’t know what is going on. But looking at the current political landscape, I’m terrified that the law requiring pre-existing conditions be covered is going to get repealed, so would be wary about getting diagnosed with something unless I was going to need to use my insurance to get treatment.

    15. Persimmons*

      Very Biased Answer: I never answer them honestly. I was misdiagnosed with depression for YEARS before I finally saw an endocrinologist and got my thyroid issues handled. I don’t trust any of those screening questions because they cost me over a decade of useless psychiatry. GPs should be doing bloodwork and tests, not shuttling you off to a therapist to get you out of their hair.

      1. ..Kat..*

        It is standard practice to test for thyroid function in every person that has a differential diagnosis of depression. You need a better GP.

      2. Observer*

        That’s pretty awful. But the problem here is that you apparently had incompetent practitioners who have zero familiarity with any of the illnesses that can cause the symptoms of depression. Either that, or you are of the female persuasion and you were stuck with doctors who just assume that women are depressed whatever their symptoms may be.

        I’m not being sarcastic. A thyroid screening should be one of the first things a doctor does when this kind of issue comes up. There are others, as well. The place to start is NOT with a psychiatrist, but with blood-work.

      3. LilySparrow*

        I used to work occasionally as a standardized patient preparing med students to take the boards. My “case” was a woman who thought she might be depressed and wanted a therapy referral. On questioning, typical symptoms of classic hypothyroidism would be revealed (but only if they asked.)

        As long as they recommended blood work, they passed, even if they didn’t uncover the thyroid symptoms or explicitly say they suspected it.

        The students fell along the same bell curve as in any other class. A couple were really outlandish, including the one who threatened me with an involuntary psych hold (for being unmotivated and having a hard time focusing at work?) And the one who told me I probably had a brain tumor.

    16. Serious Pillowfight*

      I’m honest, but a few weeks ago I filled one out for my regular doctor, who then told me, after zero discussion or follow-up questioning, that my replies about anxiety mean I have PTSD from having cancer (three years ago).

      I’ve had anxiety my entire life, which she would have known if she’d bothered to ask. I have asked to switch to another doctor.

    17. Kuododi*

      I see a pain specialist among many other MDs. For better or worse, the genius politicians in my state have decided that the way to address the raging opiod crisis is to mandate that all pain specialists have their patients fill out a 6 question depression inventory at every visit. (I’m considering filling them out in random patterns to see if that puts a kink in their day!!!). I am in no way capable of resolving the nation’s drug crisis…the issues are many and varied….. I am willing to bet a pickle that administrative nonsense such as these depression screenings at each visit are not going to be the solution.

        1. Lora*

          I mean… what kind of pickle are we talking about here? :D might be worth more than $0.05. Spicy pickled Thai eggplant, pickled jalapeno peppers, pickled Japanese plums?

          1. Kuododi*

            Teehee… I am a bit of an old school pickle eater. ( Good classic Kosher Dill). That spicy Thai pickled eggplant sounds delightful. DH loves him some pickled jalapeno. Mighty tasty!!! Enjoy…

    18. Observer*

      If you can’t trust your doctor / practice to keep your information confidential, you need to find another doctor. Seriously. Also, if you can’t trust your doctor to treat your medical issues appropriately if they know you may have issues like depression. These are (or should be) deal breakers, even if you don’t have such issues.

      Giving incorrect information to your doctor is always a really bad idea. If you actually have a tendency towards X, a good doctor will factor that in to decision like what medication to give you. So, yes, it’s relevant. If you are actually TAKING a medication, then it’s even more important. Medication side effects and interactions are a big deal.

    19. Hannah*

      I answer those questions honestly, and my doctor asks me about them during our appointment.

      Mental health is part of your overall health, and your PCP should know about any problems, because mental and physical health are closely related. Your doc will be able to be a better doc for you if they have all information about you.

      I reported depression symptoms (even though I was already seeing a therapist) and my doc let me know that if I chose to do so and it was deemed necessary, she would work with a psychiatrist to get me on medication.

  26. Jennifer*

    Does anyone have any tips for preparing to grieve? I am 29 years old and I have hardly any experience which really is a good thing. I realised it when I found out a couple of days ago that an actor, Stefan Karl Stefansson, died last month, and even though I hadn’t really seen a lot of his work (playing the villain Robbie Rotten in Lazytown), I had seen some behind the scenes and liked him as a person. And I just… I was sad and almost cried telling my mother about it. And this was over a guy I hardly knew. A couple of years ago a repeat customer in my shop, a kind elderly man, passed away and I was sad for days. That was the first time I ever mourned a person (and not a small pet I had as teenager.)
    All of this for people I did not really know. So how will I react when someone I really care about and know and love dearly dies?
    My great-grandmother died when I was six but she had dementia and I did not really have a relationsship with her so all I remember is that I insisted on wearing my black dress because I knew that from television. My maternal grandfather died when I was a baby so no memory of him. Now my paternal grandparents are both around 90 and getting worse and I am worried about them dying and how I will react. It scares me when I think about it. They live 5 hours drive from me (no plane possible) so I cannot easily visit them. My mother is now getting worried about my maternal grandmother getting dementia but we live in the same town so her I can visit. I need to do that more.
    I feel selfish being worried about my feelings in the future. I am not the one dying. And they may all live for years before they do die. What do I do? How do I think? Have anyone else felt like this?
    Sorry for bombarding you all with this..

    1. Miss Elaine e.*

      This sounds like a natural reaction. Death is, of course, part of life but we all experience it differently — and differently for each person we lose.
      Perhaps, when those worries take over, try to refocus your mind on the person and try to come up with ways to build your relationship with that person while he or she is still here. Then, when that sad day inevitably comes, you can be a peace knowing that you showed your love for them.
      Peace.

    2. Lunar Rainbow*

      You are not selfish and it’s normal to worry about these things when you have a loved one whose health is declining. No one wants to have to part with someone they love and that’s okay. But, in my experience, no matter how well you feel you have prepared for the passing of a loved one, it still just…hurts. And that is okay! It’s okay to cry and feel sad and to miss them. And it’s also okay if you don’t cry. You won’t know how you will react, really, until you are experiencing it. But don’t be afraid to reach out to family and friends for support, or even the services of a professional, if you feel you need it.

      Having said that, though, here is what has helped me the most: Knowledge. I, personally, found comfort after finding a woman named Caitlin Doughty on YouTube (her channel is called Ask A Mortician). She is, as you might have guessed, a mortician and she talks a lot about death and grieving and I’ve found the knowledge comforting, in a way. It has removed a lot of the mystery surrounding death and, for me, that has helped me better cope with the loss of loved ones.

    3. Kathenus*

      One thing you do have control over now is keeping up the relationships with the people in your life, especially elderly ones who are more likely towards the end of their lives, so that you don’t have regrets that you didn’t stay in touch better. You already mention that you can visit your maternal grandmother a lot, which is great, so keep doing that. For your paternal grandparents, start sending a postcard or card (or email if they are online) weekly, it’ll bring them happiness to hear from you regularly even if you can’t visit all the time. Call them on a regular basis, just be a presence in their lives. I think it’s laudable that you’re considering being prepared for the inevitable, but since you can’t control that spend time on keeping the relationships strong while you can so you’ll always be able to remember these times.

      1. kerlin*

        Yes. I was going to comment with this. When my grandparents and my husband’s grandparents got very ill I pushed myself hard to talk to them and see them as much as possible. I sent them cards all the time, or wrote them chatty emails (one of my grandmothers was huge into the internet in her 80s, it was awesome), or called them, or made a point of going to visit them when I could. I didn’t think of it as anything other than feeling joyful that I got to spend time with them.

        It’s been almost 15 years since my own grandparents passed away, and I still visit their graves and update them on things. It’s funny, before they passed I was actually kind of creeped out by cemeteries. Now I stop by whenever I am in the area (two states away from where I am now). I often bring my dog, because my grandfather was a HUGE dog person, and we sit together and chat for a little bit. I always cry, but I always feel better, too.

    4. ElspethGC*

      (Warning: lengthy essay below)

      I always recommend Ask A Mortician on YouTube (the *other* AAM) for anything related to difficult questions about death and dying. Caitlin has some brilliant stuff about coming to terms with your own mortality and helping others through grief, and I think what she says also applies to others’ mortality and your own grief.

      You’re totally not alone on being scared for someone to die. I’m really genuinely not scared of *me* dying (although maybe I will be if/when I have to seriously come to terms with it) but I’m terrified of my loved ones dying. Seriously terrified. It’s completely normal – I think it’s the majority view. People just don’t talk about it.

      Grief is okay. It isn’t wrong to feel sad and angry and frustrated. It’s not a bad thing to grieve, for days or weeks or months or years. People think it is, so they try to hide it and keep it bottled up, and get worried about feeling grief after the accepted mourning period is up, but that’s not how it works. There’s no timeline.

      I’m twenty, and have dealt with the deaths of my grandad (lung cancer, aged 4), my nana (COPD, aged 9), both great-grandparents in the span of a few months (stroke and Alzheimer’s, aged 11), a close friend (suicide, aged 14), a close family friend (stroke, aged 16), and, yes, my cats, who I’ve mourned just as much as my human family members, not least because they’d been in my life for just as long or longer.

      And I’m still grieving all of them, a little bit. Even though I’ve had a over a decade to come to terms with some of the deaths I’ve dealt with, I’m still sad and frustrated when I think about their deaths. But when I think about them, I don’t automatically think of their deaths, I think of their lives. It took a while to get to that point, but I got there. Different timeline for each of them, but I got there.

      It’s normal to grieve for people you’ve never met, as well. I’m still mourning, to some extent, for my favourite author Terry Pratchett – he died three years ago now, and I certainly never met him – because it was stupid and pointless and untimely and there couldn’t have been a more terrible way for him to go than early-onset Alzheimer’s. I cried when I found out he’d died. I cried the other day when I read that the BBC presenter Rachel Bland had finally lost her battle with terminal cancer, after I’d been following her story for a couple of years. That’s very normal if you’re a highly empathetic person. There’s certainly nothing wrong with feeling sad because someone you saw regularly and liked passed away.

      I’d encourage you think about what you’re concerned about regarding grieving. Just that it has to happen? Yeah, it sucks. It really does. You’re going to cry, and you’re going to be angry at the world, and you might not cry right away and wonder what’s wrong with you, or you might start crying months or years after it happened and wonder what’s wrong with you. You’re going to find coping methods that work for you, and they won’t be the same ones that work for other people. There’s no timeline, and there’s no wrong way to do it. It’s lots of big scary overwhelming feelings, but you’ll weather them all just like everyone has and will. You also probably can’t go wrong with thinking about therapy – not for a specific problem, but just for talking though concerns and worries with someone who will listen without judging.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      You’ve got some really great answers here.
      I’d like to echo that you are pretty normal, if we have not experienced loss we don’t learn. Additionally if we don’t talk about loss we don’t learn. So you are very wise to start talking now.

      There are books about grief available, if you chose this route. They talk about the stages of grief (anger, depression, sadness) , the symptoms of grief (eating too much/too little; sleeping too much/too little) and all the reasons we grief. This is interesting because grief is not just for funerals. We can grieve getting passed over for a job, getting a bad grade on an important test, losing our homes, accidents and injuries. In short if you have had a dull ache in your heart or if you have shed a tear over something then you have grieved. It’s not the same as losing your favorite person, but it is still grief.

      Different deaths hit us differently. The nasty neighbor next door? “Oh that is too bad, I am sorry to hear that” and we go about our day. That beloved aunt who everyone so enjoyed, will be a longer, more involved grieving process. So it can be confusing, “Why am I not bawling my eyes out over Uncle George but the man down the street whose name I did not know but said hi to anyway causes me to cry.” The nature of the relationship, the kindness of the person, the short/long time you knew them are among the many, many factors that make each death different.

      What is truly important is to respect your own feelings. If you do not need to cry, then don’t tell yourself you should cry. Conversely if you want to cry your eyes out, then don’t tell yourself to stop crying. Just feel the feeling. “Yes, it’s sad and I need to cry/don’t need to cry.”

      You might find it helpful for YOURSELF to volunteer to help those around you who are grieving when there is a loss. Lots of people make meals or desserts. Other people run errands, mow the lawn and that sort of thing. Pick something that you know you can do successfully. Sometimes the busyness of the loss can help us process the loss and connect with others.

      One of the biggest lessons I have had about grief is to spend more time each week enjoying the people around me. Notice the nice things they say/do. When we celebrate what we have currently, we have less regrets but we also have the knowledge that we recognized a good relationship while we still had it.

    6. Gaia*

      I’ll share my experience, and I hope you find it helpful.

      I have been truly lucky that in 33 years of life I have yet to have a family member or close friend die*. This both gives me great comfort and terrifies the hell out of me. It scares me because I know that one day one of them will die and I will be left to deal with the grief.

      *I’ll caveat here that I’m talking of human family and friends. I was 31 when I first really grieved a death. It was for my dog, who I had for 9 1/2 years and who was very much my best friend and my family. I knew he was going to die. He had been sick for two years and, every few months I would suddenly realize he could die soon and I would cry for hours. When it finally came, it came out of nowhere and I thought I would have been prepared since I’d been expecting it for two years. I wasn’t.

      All of this to say, you aren’t alone in feeling like you’re not prepared for grief. I think even people who have lost those close to them feel unprepared. I don’t think it is something someone ever gets used to. At least, I hope it isn’t.

    7. Triple Anon*

      I’ve lost a lot of people. It happens regularly in my life now. Grief is unpredictable. You don’t know how hard it’s going to hit and what kinds of emotions it will bring out. Sometimes you feel unexpectedly unaffected by it. Sometimes it brings out weird feelings like getting angry or annoyed at the person who died or is about to die. Sometimes it’s a rollercoaster of all kinds of things.

      I think of it as kind of like having the flu. You expect to be under the weather. You tell people what you’re dealing with. Most people will get it.

      It can get better over time. It can also get worse. If you don’t have a way to talk about it, it can pile up. So I think the best way to prepare is to gather people who you can talk to, and other ways to deal with it. You’ll need outlets.

    8. Videogame Lurker*

      As someone who pre-grieved a beloved family member for far too long (long post in the “Who is honest when answering those forms about depression?” thread above) due to chronic illness, that pregrief can be an extreme emotional burden on you if taken too far.

      You are caring person, not selfish. With loved ones, I try to focus on how that loved one is no longer in pain, suffering, or any other hardship/emotion/condition the individual may not be thrilled about while among the living.

      Taking comfort in a religion can help some people with the process.

      Focusing on the good memories of the loved one over the sad or painful ones can help ease the transition as well.

      In the case of parents, having a discussion about what they want can also help (organ donation, cremation, burial, corpse tossed into a river [historical joke from me, this was a stabdard burial for many peoples, and may still be for all I know], buried with all their money, the will). If they aren’t very “old” this conversation could be seen as crass, but it would also help to make things easier for the after, if you have a plan for how to proceed.

      Example- My mother (at this time) wants to donate what she can (chronic autoimmune disease illness makes that a bit difficult), to be cremated, and for the life insurance to go into paying off her student loans and the loan for the house/car. My dad (currently) wants to donate organs (not chronically ill other than Ex-Smoker, so lungs at least are out), cremation, and with life insurance, mortage and Mom’s student loans paid off, and for her to sell the house should she outlive him so she can move someplace closer to me that would be easier to care for. Should they both go, I (only child) am to donate their viable organs, have them cremated, take the insurance money to pay off their loans and cremation services, sell their house (or live in it if I desire), and the rest into paying off debts I will have accumulated (because university is expensive), or a savings nest egg. If I go (I’m twenty-five, invincible, what do I mean if I go? Go where?)? Donate my parts, divide up my stuff (not much, in the grand scheme) as donate, sell, trash, or keep.

      That was an interesting conversation to have with my parents, but it honestly helps keep me from going into a worry about how I will handle the loss of my parents.

      The Other AAM on Youtube would be helpful too. Knowing what to do, expect, etc. helps the grief process of loved ones go by easier (not any less sad, but takes away the stress of “What Do I Do Now?”

    9. LilySparrow*

      Practice self-compassion, proactive stress management and self-care, and cultivate a diverse network of relationships with safe, supportive people.

      These are the tools you will need to get through the acute stage of grief as healthily as possible.

      They will also improve your life now.

    10. Cambridge Comma*

      The first time someone truly close to you dies is such a fundamental experience that I don’t think you can avoid it (except by dying young yourself) or make it easier. But the fear is sometimes worse than the fact.
      I think you need the experience to truly understand that everyone is going to die, including you.

    11. Jennifer*

      Thank you so much everyone for your kind words and sharing of experiences. It is a relief knowing that it is not wrong to feel this way and that I can reflect on it and do something now. My parents invited my grandmother and me to dinner tonight so it was nice spending time with all of them so soon. Asked my grandmother about her childhood and youth and there was so much I did not know I did not know. Also had a good talk with my father while we were cooking in the kitchen. Tomorrow I am going on an outing with some good friends which I haven’t done in a long while. This evening has been and tomorrow will be needed self-care.
      I had read about AAM in the threads here before but I haven’t seen any of the videos. I look forward to doing it in the coming week and mull some more over all your advice. I was crying reading your replies and seeing how you cared about a stranger on the internet. The comments on this site are always so thoughtfull but it is something else seeing it directed at yourself. Thank you all so much. I am going to bed now and I know the near future will look brighter.

    12. CoffeeOnMyMind*

      I lost my grandpa and grandma within a year of each other, and from that experience with grief all I can say is that grief is a strange emotion, and everyone feels it differently. For example, I cried when my grandpa died, but not when my grandma died. I loved them both, but my grief for them was different.

      There is no “one” way to grieve. It is different for each person who experiences grief, and you can grieve in different ways/feel different emotions with each person you grieve for. It’s okay if you cry and it’s okay if you don’t cry. Grief is a personal experience, and no one grieves in the same way.

      There really isn’t any way to know how you’ll react, and you may be surprised or even angry with how you respond to the loss of someone you care for. Just know that it’s normal, and that it’s okay to feel whatever you’re feeling.

  27. Environmental Compliance*

    I was asked yesterday to share my knit shop – I’m almost always looking for test knitters, and have a few patterns out for cowls & shawls, plus some softies.

    Here is the test knit group: https://www.ravelry.com/groups/kixkat-designs-test-knits
    Most of my patterns are meant to be completed even as beginners, but with enough interest to keep it fun for more experienced knitters.

    Here are the current published designs: https://www.ravelry.com/designers/kixkat-knits-shop
    I have a barn owl shawl coming out for publish at the end of this month, and have a wrap design that I’m hoping to put a call out for testing by Christmas. I need to stop collecting orders for knit items for that to happen though….

    Usually I put out updates on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kixkatknitsshop/ as far as upcoming test calls, or upcoming patterns. That’s usually where I announce sales as well…and put up pictures of my horse/parakeets.

    On Etsy, I offer patterns but also stitch markers & Portuguese knitting clips. Same shop name there!

      1. Environmental Compliance*

        The yarn is phenomenal. No joke. I looooooooooove wildwoolE17’s yarn. Lovely colors, good in hand feel, and it also SMELLS DELICIOUS.

  28. Law of Attraction and Other Metaphysical Success Stories*

    I know that the Law of Attraction has its critics. I get it. However, I want to know if anyone feels they have mastered it and how…

    Specifically, I have been single for a while and am hoping to find love. I was raised in a home that took a very conservative approach to romantic relationships (my parents had an arranged marriage) and I was led to believe wanting to be in a relationship is wrong unless you are ready to get married. Now that I am in my 30s and single, I am ready to settle down (as is my family), but it just isn’t happening. I meet guys, even go out on dates, but things fizzle out or there isn’t a real connection.

    I think the household I grew up in has created some limitations and blockages in my mind. I have also read that a part of my mistake may be manifesting a guy instead of manifesting a relationship with that guy….

    Can anyone help?

    1. Miss Elaine e.*

      Perhaps concentrate on getting to know guys as friends first rather than as potential marriage material. Perhaps, just perhaps, you may be giving off a vibe that makes a date to pressured. Look at each date as merely a pleasant time with a new friend without wondering if he is “the one”.

      1. Law of Attraction and Other Metaphysical Success Stories*

        I think my problem is actually the opposite… I have multiple guy friends (some of which started as setups) and keep them in the friend zone even if they want something more. There seems to be an independent streak that I can’t shake, even though I am ready for something different.

        1. Miss Elaine e.*

          I see. I think I understand what you mean. I can only speak from my personal experience. I’m very independent as a well and never did date much. Having been bullied throughout my childhood and teen years and coming from a mostly female household, I kind of kept guys at arm’s length also.
          I joined a singles group affiliated with my church and met a great group of friends. One that I met on my very singles group outing became a good friend and we have now been married over 30 years.
          I guess I can only suggest be yourself and try to get to know the other person as friend. If it’s meant to turn into something more, trust that it will. I know many people who, though they would like to get married at some point, it hasn’t happened. While marriage is wonderful, it does not reflect poorly on anyone if they don’t marry.
          Wishing you peace and happiness and love (in whatever form…)

        2. Not So NewReader*

          Maybe this has very little to do with guys and relationships and more to do with your desire to be independent.
          Maybe your focus should be building that strong independent life and see where that takes you.

          OR

          Think about each individual guy that you moved to the friend zone even when they wanted more. Why did you move the individual? Don’t answer here, but look at your reasons and see if you notice a pattern. It could be that they are not independent like you. You may sense a level of neediness that you don’t want in your life.

          1. Law of Attraction and Other Metaphysical Success Stories*

            For a long time, it got me where I needed to be. I’ve traveled around the world by myself, have had amazing experiences and learned to become my own person.

            However, now it isn’t really serving me in that way. I know who I am and if I am honest with myself, I am probably just (subconsciously) continuing in this way because I am afraid to let someone in.

            One of my closest friends said to me the other day that for most people, growth comes from their independence, but I have mastered that quite well. For me, the act of letting someone else is a sign of growth. So it is hard because I feel stuck not just from my external standpoint, but internally, I am in a rut that I can’t shake.

        4. Juxc*

          You’re probably just not attracted to them. I’m not attracted to most guys who have asked to be with me and that’s OK. Sexual attraction is crucial to a relationship and if it’s not there, it’s just not there

    2. The RO-Cat*

      In my opinion, the law of attraction – as it is peddled today by its biggest proponents – is snake oil. Demonstrably pseudoscience. Still, there’s truth to it, only it’s obscured because it would upset said peddlers’s clientelle. Namely, you *can* use positivity, and you *can* “attract” some of the things you want in your life. The fine print, though, hurts: you have to work with yourself, long and hard, to become truly the kind of person others would love to meet and keep. Say you want a certain type of partner, but somehow right now you end up in relationships with the “wrong” type; or you find yourself keeping them at bay unwittingly. Thinking “positive thoughts” and “visualizing” with get you diddly-doo. What *will* get you there is: taking up on a journey of self-discovery and self-development. Find out why you keep the right guys at bay (for example; I’m not directing my comment at you specifically) – there’s a pattern there (beliefs, cognitive and behavioral habits etc). Work with yourself to change those things. Then, you’ll discover that somehow the right guys suddenly pop up around you. The “law of attraction” really is just the commercial denomination for personal development.
      There’s no miracle here. Our brains select, from the about 400Mb of information each second that reaches them, about 40 to 60 b (not Mb) to process. 5 to 7 of those are processed conscientiously. When you move things in your unconscious, the filters the brains use change and you start seeing things around you. They were there before, your brains would simply filter them out. Like when someone buys a Volvo – suddenly, all things Volvo pop up in his vision although they were already out there, just ignored.
      Likewise, visualizing is a powerful tool – if you apply it to the process, not to the outcome. It can help you improve how you do things, not guarantee you’ll get the results. On Eric Barker’s site, bakadesuyo [dotcom] you have the science, explained.

      2. Triple Anon*

        I think visualizing can help you to be more positive and more focused on what you want. You’re training your brain to hone in on that thing. So it isn’t useless.

        I was actually thinking about this recently, looking back at my own life and times when doors have opened for me and times when things have been harder to achieve. I think mental blocks and confidence are a factor. So is how conventional or unconventional the thing is. I’ve learned that it’s important to evaluate just how unconventional your goal is – not just the thing itself but in the context of who you are and where you come from. If it’s more unconventional, you have to do it with a lot of positivity and gusto, and you have to overcome any subconscious doubts about whether or not you can/should get this thing. If it’s a more traditional goal, positivity and charisma alone will go a longer way.

    3. Triple Anon*

      I think you’re halfway there – you’re holding out for the right guy. If you don’t feel a spark and a strong connection, don’t force it. I have, at times, tried dating people who I liked but didn’t feel totally crazily in love with. I was trying out other people’s advice to try dating different kinds of people. In my experience, if you don’t have really strong feelings for someone, you’ll always see them as “less than” what you hoped for, you’ll see the relationship as not quite what you want, and the person will pick up on that feeling no matter how hard you try to be a good partner. There will always be something missing, and it tends to lead to more problems as time goes on.

      So I think it’s wise to hold out for the right person. But you’re obviously not meeting that person. So think about what makes you feel a spark with someone and what you’re looking for more practically. Then actively seek those kinds of guys out or keep an eye out for them.

      I’m single right now too. But I think that not wanting time is actually a huge asset, and something that a lot of people miss. It’s so common for people to wind up in a relationship that isn’t right for them because they kept trying things out or trying to make things work when it just wasn’t all there from the start.

      Also, maybe finding someone who comes from a similar background but shares your current views on it would be helpful in terms of finding common ground. I don’t mean that they have to be from the same culture or religion – just one that shares the traits that gave you the perspective that you have. I also find it hard to relate to most people because my life has been different than most people’s, and I’ve had some success with finding people who are unusual in the same ways. That tends to be where the stronger kinds of connections are.

    4. LilySparrow*

      I am another who believes the LOA is nothing more than magical thinking. And it has the toxic downside of victim blaming: if you manifest your reality by your thoughts, then anyone who has an illness or tragedy brought it on themselves. That’s not a kind way to view the world, or yourself.

      I wonder if part of your conflict here is related to your concept of marriage. Being a whole, self-sufficient person who can function independently and can be happy on their own is not a barrier to happy relationships.

      On the contrary, it’s an asset to creating a healthy, egalitarian, productive marriage that improves the lives of both people *and* contributes to others around you.

      Do you have models of that kind of marriage in your life? Visualizing what you want can be a helpful exercise in considering your life choices. But it’s hard to visualize something you aren’t actually experienced with.

      So that might be something to think about: what it is about the very traditional marriages you’ve seen that makes them a bad fit for you? And what positive things do you want in a relationship? Do you see vulnerability and intimacy as the opposite of independence? Do you have difficulty with trust, or with identifying safe people to trust? Do you value independence in a partner as much as your own? Do you honor your emotional needs, or see them as weaknesses to be suppressed? How do you deal with the needs of others?

      There’s a lot to unpack, that could help you open up to a good relationship with room to grow.

    5. Nobody Special*

      There are a lot on practical ways to start working through the limitations and blockages that your upbringing have created. Self help groups and therapy come to mind. When you ask “can anyone help me with this” the answer that comes to mind is “yes,,,you can.” Not that it’s easy but still, it’s good news, yes?

      1. Nobody Special*

        PS this sounds snarky and I don’t mean it that way. Wish I’d believed it 2 marriages ago… I was getting pretty far along in years by the time I finally really learned to be myself. But there’s nothing better. Good luck to you, really.

  29. Environmental Compliance*

    We put in an offer on a house…and it was accepted!!!!!! Septic & home inspections scheduled for next week! So excited!!! *happy dance*

    I’ll have a craft room! And there’s a sunroom that will be filled with plants! Ahhhhhh!!!!!

    2. The Doctor*

      Make sure the inspection is thorough. The best money I ever spent was for an inspection of house that we ended up not buying because the inspector found so much mold and so many structural issues.

      1. Lcsa99*

        Absolutely! We found that for an apartment we wanted to purchase, the electricity was set up so ridiculously that it would have made living there a nightmare. Speak to the guy and get an honest opinion, then read the report carefully.

      2. Environmental Compliance*

        We opted for the fullest inspection we could get – and Hubs will be there through the entire inspection. I’m sending him with a list of questions. No idea what to do with the trash compactor…lol.

        I also opted for the most complete septic inspection I could get, with people I used to work with and trust a lot. Both will make me feel a lot less anxious!

    3. Twinkle*

      That’s awesome! Particularly having a craft room. I have a craft room and it is my favourite thing about our house. It’s only small (I think from the decor that the previous owners used it as a nursery) but it has great light, is quiet, and lets me have a space just for me and all my projects.

      I hope you enjoy your craft room every bit as much as I do! (Plus the rest of the house!)

  30. valentine*

    Are there dental offices with interior doors? I hate hearing the machinery from other bays, on top of a general low hum, and can’t tune them out because I can’t hyperfocus: I can’t hear the TV and the professional’s hands block the captions. If it gets busy, I won’t want to hear anyone’s personal information or for anyone to hear mine. Are there dimmed lights and closed doors to be had?

    1. ElspethGC*

      My dentist is in a big old house (probably mid 18th century? It’s the centre of town near the railway station so probably built right around the Industrial Revolution) so the reception is one of the big reception rooms downstairs, one dentist’s office and the dental hygienist are on the other side of the hallway downstairs, and there are another three offices upstairs plus a waiting room, also all in individual rooms. I’ll be honest, that always seemed to be a completely average dental office to me. I don’t know anyone that goes to the dentist somewhere where there *isn’t* separate rooms.

      This is the UK, though. A lot of our dentists and things are in old converted houses; my optician is similar. You might be elsewhere and it might be different there.

    2. AvonLady Barksdale*

      How many dentist offices have you been in? I’ve been in several and they’re all different. Most will let you take a look around before you book if you call and ask. Look for a dentist who specializes in nervous patients. Generally they will have more private exam areas.

    3. KayEss*

      I used to go to one, so they do exist. It was a small private practice in a very affluent suburban area–I think they only had space for like five or six chairs total, since each was in its own room. Places that small tend to be pretty exclusive both in what insurance they accept and whether or not they’re able to accept new patients, just because they can’t accommodate as many people at once.

      The place I go to now has the open cubicles for general cleaning/checkups, but I was put in a private room with a door when I had fillings done… maybe ask if they have an enclosed room available and if it would be possible to schedule an appointment specifically using that room? You might have to be more flexible about appointment times, but it can’t hurt to inquire.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      My dentist gives me headphones and music. You might ask about that before you make an appointment. You might do well with a dentist who specializes in helping people with fear of dentists. I am not saying, I think you are afraid. I am saying this is a group of folks who have stuff in place to accommodate requests like this.

      My second suggestion is to go to a dentist who does some alternative stuff as they are more apt to have comforting items around and a thoughtful layout to their space. I go to a guy who uses a combination of natural stuff and traditional dentistry. He has the headphones. They can find a blanket if I get cold because the window is open. They have a massage chair I can sit in while I wait for my appointment. There’s lots of little amenities that just make it so. much. easier for me.

      1. Reba*

        Yes! I used to go to a great dentist who was rather “namaste” and they had eyepillows, blankets, aromatherapy if desired, and even a dark room with comfy chairs where you could go rest if the dental visit was stressing you out.

    5. brushandfloss*

      Like others have said each office will probably have their own setup depending on different factors. I work in a converted private house, I have an accordion door but sound still filters in. Really only a heavy duty door is going to block the sound of a drill or ultrasonic scaler. Also that low hum is probably the compressor which can’t be turned off.
      I don’t have a problem with patients wearing headphones and listening to music. Also we can’t work in dim lights. Maybe trying wearing sunglasses for your visit.

    6. LilySparrow*

      My dentist is in solo practice. He has 2 bays, but I’ve never encountered another patient getting treated at the same time, only passing in the waiting room.

    7. Nobody Special*

      Years ago when I had to have periodontal treatments I really had to come to terms with dental fears and started listening to relaxation tapes (back then) with subliminal suggestions (those not needed for sound blocking of course). Today you could time into a white noise app or site with headphones.

  31. blackcat*

    Calling cat owners! Apparently the real Black Cat of the house needs to have a tooth pulled :(

    Regular vet offered an estimate of $1k. Seemed like a lot to me. Regardless of the cost, I’m probably going to take the cat to a nearby vet school so that an actual animal dentist (rather than general vet) does the procedure. But does $1k for a simple, one tooth extraction sound right? Seemed steep to us.

    1. Hellanon*

      $1000 definitely sounds steep – even my not-exactly-cheap vet only charged me $1200 to remove *all* my ca’s teeth except for 3 fangs. A big part of that is probably the blood tests & anesthesia, but still… shop around a bit.

      1. blackcat*

        Husband told them to go ahead and to bloodwork at the visit yesterday, so that’s not included. And, yes, the estimate appears that most of the charges are anesthesia.

    2. Lilo*

      That does seem like I lot. I paid about $900 to have half the teeth out of my cat’s mouth just two years ago (he has something where his body attacks his teeth). My vet was great too, called me as soon as she knew how bad it was when he was under to okay the cost.

      A lot of the cost does come from putting them under, but I think I would get a second opinion.

    3. BRR*

      Just throwing out for reference that a friend paid $1,300 for a cleaning and some teeth needing to be pulled on their 12 pound dog. Not sure if that’s reasonable or not but I think teeth pulling is surprisingly expensive for pets.

      1. Book Lover*

        I think because of the sedation :(. The actual pulling – probably doesn’t matter that much how many or few.

    4. Ali G*

      Yeah that seems expensive. There are a lot of charges (and if she’s older they’ll want to do bloodwork first), but last year my dog had a full dental cleaning, senior bloodwork, and 9 teeth pulled and that was about $1k. Unless there is something else going on and it’s more like a surgery than an extraction, I’d look around.

      1. blackcat*

        They did “old cat” bloodwork at his regular appointment. He’s 10, so just into the “old cat” territory. But I’ve never had a cat who didn’t live to 17+, so calling my 10 year old cat old seems sorta off to me.

        Thanks for the tip! I will definitely look around.

    5. the gold digger*

      Shirley’s dental exam in May, which included the pulling of four teeth, the sedation, and x-rays for an unrelated condition, was about $800. I think the x-ray alone was about $200, so the teeth and sedation should have been about $600. (I can’t find the estimate – I think it must have been emailed to Primo.)

      But yes – $1,000 for one tooth sounds like a lot to me.

      PS We always thought she was cranky and didn’t like us. Turns out her teeth hurt. :( She is a much happier kitty now. We feel like awful pet people not to have had this taken care of years ago. But we were so worried about the sedation. She only weighs six pounds!

      1. blackcat*

        Mine has been a bit more lethargic lately, but I thought that was just him getting old. He’s never been cranky… like not ever in his life. Well, once, after he got a bee sting in the face and I had to shove benedryl down his swollen mouth (he’s allergic to bee stings). But he got over that in a day or two.

    6. blackcat*

      Thank you all! I’ll call the vet school Monday morning. They tend to be cheaper for big ticket, but routine kinda stuff. The only down side is an hour in the car each way with a cat who hates the car (current vet is 1 mile away, so the cat hasn’t done more than 3 minutes in the car in…. 4 years? So we’ll see how that goes).

      1. Not All Who Wander*

        If it’s any consolation, the long drive may actually be the best thing for getting your cat used to the car. If it’s a only few minutes, they never get past the freak out mode. A couple hours and even the worst of them realize they aren’t going to die; 4 hrs+ and the car just becomes boring. None of my cats have ever taken more than one 4 hr car ride to learn that that car = boring as opposed to car = I’m going to die. Mine do usually seem to prefer the wire dog crate instead of the smaller cat carrier so they can watch what’s going on but it depends on how easy your cat is to get in & out of carriers and what your vehicle is like. (Yes, I do take my cats on a lot of long distance trips! :) )

        1. blackcat*

          The last time we moved, the cat was in the car for 16 hours.
          He cried. The. entire. time.
          16 hours. Mew. MEW MEW. mew mew MEW. MEWWWWWWWW.

          1. Hellanon*

            When I was a kid my parents would take my sister & I on long car trips with the family cat, a Siamese. The first time, she yowled the entire time except when actively throwing up. The second time, all 3 of us got a dramamine before getting in the car: problem solved.

          2. Red Sky*

            This was my cat too, but we discovered if we took him out of the carrier and sat him on a pillow where he could see the horizon he stopped meowing and settled right in for a 4 day cross-country moving trip. He also had a leash and harness attached at any pit-stops just in case.

    7. neverjaunty*

      I am normally the last person to frown at how much vets have to charge, but that does seem on the high side. We paid much less than that for sedation/care/tooth cleaning and pulling for a cat and that was in California dollars.

    8. cat socks*

      If it’s just an estimate, it may actually end up being cheaper. I had dental surgery for my cat a couple of weeks ago, they estimated $1000-$2000 and it ended up being $1100. She had two teeth extracted, needed an extensive cleaning and some work done on another tooth where the root was having issues. I think they might be estimating on the high side, just because there are unknowns until they get in there and actually do the work.

      I took my kitty to the veterinary hospital associated with the vet school here in town. She is older and has kidney disease so I was concerned about her being put under anesthesia. I felt more comfortable having the procedure done at a hospital rather than just at the local vet’s office.

      For long car rides, gabapentin is a safe, mild sedative for cats. You should be able to get it from your local vet and you can also check with the doctor doing the surgery to make sure it is okay to administer on the day of the procedure.

    9. Nicole76*

      I don’t know, but that seems high to me. My 10 lb dog recently had her teeth cleaned and two baby teeth extracted under anesthesia and it was $300. Maybe it varies by area but I thought that was high. Now that I’m reading these responses I guess it was a good deal!

    10. Slartibartfast*

      It does seem high, but with dentals it’s really common to estimate high. You just don’t know for sure what you’re going to get until the animal is under and you’ve taken x-rays. If resorptive lesions are suspected ( common in cats, looks and acts like a cavity but it’s caused by the body attacking the tooth vs decay), that can get complicated because the teeth often shatter into bits that have to be fished out, or the roots can fuse with the jaw so it can’t be just pulled. Second opinions are never a bad idea though.

    11. MsChanandlerBong*

      That’s expensive. I used to go to a fancy animal practice, but I quit when I asked how much it would cost to pull a tooth. They said it started at $350 and went up to $1,050, but they couldn’t tell me what it would be until they actually did it. I was like…no thanks. Found a country-type vet who did it for $160 plus $19 for antibiotics. And she pulled out two additional teeth while she was in there–they were so rotted that she said she couldn’t justify charging us for just pulling on them and having them fall out.

    12. Clumsy Ninja*

      Which tooth? Not all teeth are created equal, and that may be the issue here. If it’s an incisor, that sounds ridiculous. If it’s a canine, that may be pretty reasonable.

  32. Dino*

    I bought myself a kimono robe for mornings after realizing that my habit of waking up, putting on pajamas to lounge in for an hour or two, then changing again to put on real clothes is kinda dumb. I’m so excited to have something comfortable and pretty to chill in!

    1. Waiting for the Sun*

      Good for you; sounds pleasant.
      Somewhat related – what to wear when home from work and staying in the rest of the night? Want to change out of work clothes but too early for pajamas. Shorts and T-shirt ok in warm weather.

      1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

        Yoga pants or sweatpants and a long sleeved t-shirt or sweatshirt is what I usually hang around the house in after work.

      2. Dino*

        Ahh, I know that struggle! I know some folks who just keep a comfy yet presentable change of clothes on their coat rack so they can immediately change into them when they get home from work. I have to layer my clothes frequently for work so I try to have bottom layers that I don’t mind beating around the house in so I don’t have to do a full change of clothes.

      3. Rainy*

        I have a collection of supersoft lounge pants and random tees (I’m partial to the ones from Target with funny messages on them). I have a special “at home” sweater that I add if I need sleeves (it’s a giant cotton ragg sweater I got at a thrift store ages ago). I also own a million pairs of fuzzy socks.

        In warm weather obviously just shorts and a tee or tank, or a romper.

      4. epi*

        I wear stuff that kinda looks like street clothes, but more comfortable. This is also when I wear favorite casual stuff. Usually it’s leggings or old workout tights, a favorite t shirt, and an oversized sweater. Jeggings work too. Bralettes are perfect for this situation– pretty but comfortable.

        I think it makes a big difference for this stuff to be in good condition. I don’t want to feel like I am looking shabby all the time I’m not at work. So unless it’s a super broken in t shirt with sentimental value, I cycle these clothes the same as I would my street clothes when they are wearing out.

  33. I am still Furious!!*

    Divorce update

    One year minus one week after I left my husband and moved into my friend’s house, I’m moving back to my childhood home and former bedroom to live with my Mom. At least I’m trying to, as the rain allows! Of course it’s raining again, and it’s the weekend, so I have time to move but it’s difficult moving things in the rain.

    It feels like the last 51 weeks went by in a blink of an eye and at glacial speed at the same time, if that makes any sense. I’m changing my address again, that’s a chore, but I made a list and it feels good to put a checkmark and a date next to each one as I get it accomplished. My driver’s license comes up for renewal in January, so I’ll have the temporary card with my photo ID for only a few months. Part of me feels like a failure as an adult because I’m going back home, and I know this is not valid as I extricated myself from a bad situation, but it’s hard for me not to feel this way. I will be a big help to Mom, as she’s nearly 83 and really slowing down, so I can do all the lifting, carrying, etc. for her and just be there in case she needs something.

    I found a buyer for the house, as is, article of agreement, and I dumped it for what I could get for it. So that anchor will soon be gone from my ankle. I still need to find a spot for my cats. Time is getting short. I may have to take them with me temporarily, Mom might just have to deal, and her cat (who hates all other animals) might need to deal, too. I live in Central PA. We are overrun with cats here, shelters are full, lots of feral cats, etc.

    Overall, I feel pretty good about things. I have a job, a car, a roof over my head, few possessions (although my clothes need a serious culling!), friends, family, and I am moving forward. I get up every day, my feet hit the floor, and I move forward. Better days are on the horizon!! 53 days until the final paperwork is presented to the court. One more support payment. It’s almost over.

    1. anon24*

      I love reading your updates! I live in Central PA as well, I wish I was in a position to give your cats homes. I don’t know exactly where you are but when I lived near Harrisburg I volunteered with A Loving Care Cat Rescue. They are well acquainted with the various no kill shelters in the area and may be able to point you in the right direction.

      I am just in awe of how far you’ve come and how well you are doing. I hope you keep updating us.

      1. I am still Furious!!*

        Thank you, that is so kind! I really don’t want to put them into a shelter, and I don’t want to give them up, but I need to do what’s best for them. I breaks my heart but I have to do it. I will talk to my Mom; I’ll be living upstairs in her house, and it’s totally shut off from the downstairs, so maybe I can keep them with me for a short time until I can find a good foster or permanent home.

        1. ValaMalDoran*

          If it is completely shut off, why can’t you keep your cats, and your Mom’s cat stays downstairs?

        2. anon24*

          Most cats from that rescue go into foster homes around the area. They do have a satellite “shelter” near Gettysburg. It’s a couple who has cats and kittens in their basement and spend thousands every year to care for them. Off your topic, but I got my little girl from there and they treat their animals so lovingly. I hope you can figure out what’s best for you and your cats! I would be devastated to he separated from mine.

    2. Ali G*

      Wow! Amazing update. Imagine – in less than 2 months this will be all over and you can get on with your life!

    3. Not So NewReader*

      One year, with 10 years worth of emotional wear and tear packed inside that time frame.

      It’s just going to keep getting better and better from here on. The worst is behind you.

    4. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      YEAH! So like reading your updates. Cheering you on. Packing to move. Many similarities (won’t go into here). But you inspire me to look forward from the other side of the country.

      1. I am still Furious!!*

        Talked to STBEXH; it is being closed this week. He said he’d do it, I told him if it wasn’t done, I’d do it. He seems motivated to take care of it, so I’m keeping my fingers crossed. It hasn’t been overdrawn (I’ve been checking).

    6. neverjaunty*

      This is fantastic! And you’re not running home like a kid, you’re moving in with your mom to help care for her and get back on your feet. That’s the opposite of failing.

    7. Aphrodite*

      Congratulations! I have been following your journey through these posts and am so pleased to see the steps you take as you keep moving forward. I know it’s been hard but your progress is steady. Good luck with the move!

    8. LuckySophia*

      I grew up in Central PA, and as one native to another… let me just say: Your updates are great. Collectively they are an impressive chronicle of how brilliantly you empowered yourself to transform your situation. Your courage is inspiring. I mean that sincerely and hope you will remind yourself of that, often. On a more practical note: It does seem, if you can keep your cats upstairs and separated from your mother’s cat, that could work out pretty well. Though it would probably take all the cats a few weeks to adjust to the changes, and settle in. Sending you all best wishes for that!

    9. Woodswoman*

      I look for your posts every weekend because I admire your courage and openness in sharing your story and want to cheer you on. Every update shows you are moving forward in a positive way. You are not a failure as an adult. On the contrary, you’re a responsible adult who is taking positive action–removing yourself from interacting with a dysfunctional former spouse, getting on your feet financially, and in the middle of all that still giving of yourself to help your senior mom. You’re doing great.

      Since you’ll be upstairs and your mom and her cat will be downstairs, I hope you can work that out to keep your cats during this transition.

    10. Blue Eagle*

      Congratulations on finding a buyer for the house! Even if you couldn’t get top dollar for it, just keep remembering that the house is one less worry for you. Every week I look for your updates and send positive thoughts and energy your way.

    11. Ellie*

      Keep your cats with you. Please. They’ll be good to have with you- for emotional support and a thousand other reasons. If it’s a two story home, your cats can stay on your floor and your mother’s cat can stay on her floor. Please. Don’t let the fact that your ex has messed up things take your cats away from their person.

      1. I Am Still Furious!!*

        I’m going to talk to her. She doesn’t want to stay in the house, the carpeting upstairs will be replaced (it’s 1970’s era colors! Not in bad shape but hard on the eyes), the bathroom is big enough for litter boxes, and there are 2 cats that are 5 years old, so they’re not exactly kittens. But it is her house, her rules, and I need to respect that.

    12. Anon from the Bronx*

      I’ve been following your journey & just want to say congratulations & best of luck as you continue to move forward. So happy for you!

    13. Owler*

      I returned home in my late 20s after an autoimmune disease and a stay in the hospital. It was super hard, but I got some time with my parents (including a road trip with my dad who has since died) and made some memories that I would not have made. I hope you also get some time with your mom that is enjoyable and becomes something you can look back on as a positive from this time.

  34. instafamous*

    I’m going to Japan! Any thoughts on what I should do? I have 5 days in Tokyo and 5 days in Kyoto. I’ve never been anywhere in Asia. Not work related. Love food, culture, walking around interesting places. Particularly looking for recommendations for a blacksmith to find a handmade chef’s knife.

    1. Mimmy*

      Seems like everyone I know is going to Japan! Okay not everyone, but one coworker is going this week, and another coworker’s son is there now or is going soon (I forget).

      Have fun!!

    3. Amber Rose*

      In Tokyo you can go up to the top of the Tokyo Metropolitan Building at night, and get the most amazing view of all the city lights. It goes up to like, the 200th floor.

      Kyoto has a tower as well, and a mountain hike up through a pathway made of hundreds of tori gates.

      1. Raine*

        I loved Kyoto. I highly recommend the philosopher’s walk between the different temples in the area and the wild monkey park that is sort of at the end of the park.

    5. Guy in Japan*

      Glad to hear it! I don’t live in Tokyo, but one thing that I really liked there is the Nihon Minka-En, a park with relocated houses from all over Japan, all of which are over 100 years old. It’s one of the few places you can see old Japanese buildings, like you might imagine from movies and the like. It’s in Kawaski, so a bit outside of Tokyo, but worth a trip.

      http://english.nihonminkaen.jp/

      The Edo museum was good too, and wandering around the outside of the Palace (if you like walking).

      I don’t like Kyoto all that much, I lived in Osaka for 8 years and found it much more interesting, but there are loads of good temples there. They are a bit far apart from each other, but if you rent a bicycle, you can cycle around most of the city, and the subway is easy to use to. If you read up on Japanese history, especially the Onin War, which basically took place inside Kyoto in the 15th century, you can find some of the places battles were fought and mansion were burned. A slightly lesser-known thing – when you come out of the ticket gate at Kyoto JR, everyone goes straight ahead. If you go right instead, there are some escalators going up (on the left too, but the right is better). Go all the way to the top, the last escalator flight is sort of off to the left as you get off. That will take you to a skywalk across the station building, which has a great view of downtown Kyoto and the mountains around it. It ends up in the ramen restaurant section of the dept store on the other side. You can go through it, out the door to a giant staircase. Going up will take you to a rooftop garden, down will take you back to Kyoto station entrance. They have a staircase marathon there every year, running a relay up it, so it’s quite a climb.

      Knives – Osaka is the place, go here : https://www.doguyasuji.or.jp/map_google.html To check online, click the kanji for Houchou (包丁) which means kitchen knife. The whole shopping street sells stuff for restaurants, from 100-packs of plates to fake food to common signs to real food, and is where most old-school knife works sell their stuff. It’ll be a bit expensive, but good stuff. I think there’s one store run by an American expat blacksmith, who built up a reputation there. There are also loads of great restaurants and bars there and around there, and it’s easy to stay out past the last train.

      If you get the chance for a day trip, I’d recommend either Himeji or Hikone from Kyoto. Both have great castles, Himeji is an original, massive, fairy-tale Japanese castle, but a kind of boring town. Hikone has a smaller, sort-of reproduction of the original castle, but an old castle town and great views of Lake Biwa. Both can be reached by JR Shinkaisoku, which is just a regular ticket (no express ticket). Don’t make the mistake of taking the Shinkansen to Osaka from Kyoto, it’s only 15 minutes difference, and you end up in Shin-Osaka, which is kind of inconvenient.

    6. PhyllisB*

      I went to Japan in the late seventies and loved it. Got to spend some time in Kyoto and stayed at an inn. Didn’t spend any time in Tokyo except to come into and leave the country, but did go to Yokohama and if you enjoy shopping, they have streets dedicated to different items. Ex: one whole street of shops dedicated to champagne glasses. In the restaurants they will have displays of plastic food depicting the items on their menus. (A life saver for us who only speak and read English!!) There is a street of shops that sell these plastic food displays. I’m sure if this interests you Tokyo probably has similar shopping areas. If you are not with someone who knows the area, PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR SURROUNDINGS!!!!!!!!!! It is very scary to get lost in an area where all the street signs are in Konj. (I know I spelled that wrong. Written Japanese language?) We did manage to get lost and my sister was telling us to look for a sign with konj that looks like a washing machine. That was quite a tale and quite an experience. Won’t go into it because don’t want to derail. We also attended a Japanese tea ceremony. Beautiful. We loved our visit, and the Japanese people were met were so gracious and welcoming.
      All the young students we met wanted to practice their English with us. I think some of them had difficulty with our Southern accents, but it was a wonderful experience.

    7. Mad Baggins*

      Public transit is hard if you’ve never taken the train before. In Tokyo you can go most anywhere on the Yamanote Line which loops around the city. In Kyoto it’s a bit trickier because buses might be more convenient, but there are lots of tourist/English-friendly options nowadays. Plus there are many SIM cards or portable wifi devices you can rent at the airport to use Google, and you can take out cash from foreign credit cards at 7/11 ATMs nowadays. There’s even an app that you can scan Japanese words and it will auto-translate for you!

      If you’ve never been to Asia, then here is what I would recommend:
      1. Look around you to see what the social rules are. Many Americans/Westerners are used to doing things certain ways, and also used to “doing things my own way” being a good thing. Asian cultures are more group-oriented and you can learn a lot about the culture and people just by watching where people stand and line up, how they dress, what to order, how and where to cross the street, where are the popular places to eat, etc. I recommend you go to Shibuya Station, go to the Starbucks at the Scramble Crossing and get a window seat and just people-watch.

      2. Don’t bother asking what food something is unless you have an actual severe allergy. Just try it, you might like it! There are so many foods in Asia that might seem “weird” (sweet bean paste?!) but are actually really good when you let go of that pickiness. Google may tell you what’s in it, but not what it tastes like.

      3. Japan is getting much better with English signage, but English language fluency is hit or miss. Speak slowly and clearly, but often people can understand written English better than spoken. If you can learn basic travel phrases like hello, please, thank you, excuse me, how much, where is the bathroom, etc. then it will be much easier to get around. When in doubt:
      “Mizu/biru (or any noun you want to order) kudasai”=water/beer/etc. please
      “sumimasen” for getting anyone’s attention or squeezing between people on the train, also works as an apology
      “(place)+doko?” This is “broken Japanese” but is an easy way to ask where something is. Often times people will even guide you there.

      It’s a wonderful country, so have a great time!!

  35. AnonGymRant*

    At the gym yesterday someone (a regular at my weekly class) said “You should stay for the next class, you can work off that belly”.

    Uh…. not okay. I actually think I would have been more upset if my belly wasn’t from the fact that I am pregnant (my boss got all excited that I was definitely showing this week). The irony is I am actually way more in shape than the person who tried shaming me, my abs are just are in a different position right now because they are accommodating a baby.

    Come on. I love my gym because it tends to be a happy place with instructors who are super supportive of your goals and accomodate your limitations (I was super put of shape when I started there). I hate when people try to wreck that.

      1. AnonGymRant*

        I wish I could say I had a snappy come back but one of the regular ladies went “that’s a baby!” And she went off.

        Trying to weight gain has been tough for me (I have had instances of dipping into being underweight through out my life during periods of stress and I lost about 5 pounds in my first trimester from being sick).

        I have never been good about speaking up in the moment.

    2. Dr. Doll*

      “You should stay and work on that mouth.” How incredibly, unbelievably, *weirdly* rude!!!!

      Congratulations on the baby!

    3. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      Uggghh, sometimes I hate people. Reminds me of a response I once read to someone who commented on the contents of another person’s shopping cart:

      “Gee, you looked so pretty until you opened your mouth and all that ugliness came out”.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      “How odd. Now, my doctor told me once I give birth, my belly should go back down some. Do you think we should call him and tell him he is wrong?”

    5. Kj*

      Ugh. As one pregnant lady to another, that sucks. People can be jerks. As my pregnancy has progressed, I’ve taken up swimming and I’m glad everyone at my pool has been really nice, even if one older lady did grab my stomach to feel if I was having a girl or a boy….

    6. fposte*

      Honestly, what has to be going on in your head for you to think that’s a good thing to say out loud? (Plus it sounds like they believe in spot reduction, which doesn’t work anyway.)

      I hope you did calmly reveal that you’re pregnant and made them regret opening their mouth.

    8. Loopy*

      I would have been crushed by this kind of comment. I am super self conscious of that area and constantly comparing myself to others, even moreso at the gym. I’m so sorry you ever had to hear that. I am horrified.I dont even know what I would have done!!

    10. Girl friday*

      You should go to Planet Fitness! You might find a difference there. I always think it’s okay to change gyms for reasons like that, because it makes people think twice. I hope it’s not against site rules to promote things informally.

      1. AnonGymRant*

        I really do love my gym, particularly my regular instructor. With her I have gone from no muscle mass and flexibility to a lot more.

        1. Girl friday*

          Well then, definitely congratulations, and that probably won’t be the last funny comment someone tries to make! Maybe you could suggest a prenatal class and then you’d have some company! Or maybe it’s time for a funny shirt.

      2. coffeeeeee*

        I love planet fitness. I’ve been a member of 4 of them in two different areas of the country. They’re the best!

    11. Parenthetically*

      Oh gods. Fortunately, ten years of being a teacher has made me pretty quick to go Full Schoolmarm on boneheads like that. That jackass would have gotten all the power of my over-the-glasses glare and, “Dear, did you not realize how rude it is to comment on other people’s bodies? Why don’t you try that again.”

      It’s bizarrely, aggressively rude enough that I almost think it’s worth bringing up the next time you see this person. “Hey, you commented last week that I should do some extra workouts because of the size or shape of my body. I’m pregnant. Don’t comment on women’s bodies. It makes you look petty.”

    12. MsChanandlerBong*

      That person is a total glass bowl. And whether you’re pregnant or not, that comment says a lot more about him/her than it ever would about you.

    13. Bluebell*

      Sorry this happened but it’s nice the other lady chimed in. I might have tried the charm offensive–smiling and saying ” oh honey, in 6 months this will definitely be gone, but my belly will get much bigger before then!” If you really wanted you you could throw in a “bless your heart.” Hopefully word will spread and no one else will be a jerk at the gym.

  36. I'm A Little Teapot*

    My interesting neighbor update! Last weekend, I got cameras installed. Before we were done, she showed up screaming at me (boils down to I’m a pedophile because my cameras might pick up her grandkids playing). On camera. With audio. Justification?

    Anyway, since then she’s decided I’m nasty, and is even telling her grandkids that. Oh well, not my problem. But she apparently doesn’t want to be caught on camera doing nasty stuff, so things have been calm. I’m sure it won’t last forever, but I will enjoy it while it lasts.

    2. Waiting for the Sun*

      Crazy! In my city, there’s a recent news story about a woman who harassed her neighbors so much that she got herself arrested. She was on security camera.

    3. Observer*

      Who needs soap operas….

      If your cameras are set to record sound, you may want to check if you need to turn that off. There may be a legal issue with that.

      Good for you for getting the system in. I have no doubt that it will minimize the craziness. And, if it starts up again, having it on tape will be useful.

  37. charlatan*

    Regarding screen names here: is it generally understood that people don’t use the same screen name as another poster? There are a few folks who use an anonymity-based name as their regular name here but then occasionally I’ll see folks using same or similar names when they want to be extra anonymous.

    As an example, there might be a regular poster named “this is my anonymous name” that posts regularly. Then there’s a post where someone comments that they’re a regular poster but are going anonymous for this one comment and use “this is my anonymous name” as their handle.

    It doesn’t actually matter (I realize we’re all anonymous here and can use a million different names each day if we wanted) but it can get confusing sometimes. I’m a reader who only recently became a very occasional commenter and am just trying to get the lay of the land, so to speak. A lot of you clearly have rich posting histories and comment on ongoing issues in different open threads and I try to piece together histories as much as possible but this common name issue catches me wrongfooted sometimes.

    2. CAA*

      I think we generally try to stay away from using each others’ names in a way that could be looked on as impersonating someone, but if you use a common name or any variation of “anon” it can happen unintentionally. I switched from using my first name one day when someone else started posting in the same thread with the same name. I don’t think it was malicious, we both just have the same common first name and she didn’t notice that I was already there.

      The commenting software doesn’t allow for the name “Anonymous”, so you get all kinds of variations of “Anon for this” or whatever. I assume all those variations on “anon” are up for grabs and could be anyone, whether or not they’ve posted here before under that or any other name. People use them when they’ve revealed things about themselves under their own names in the past and this new information needs to be kept separate from their main persona.

    3. Graciosa*

      I think that telling people what ‘really’ anonymous name we use would defeat the purpose of using it. I do occasionally post with another name, but it’s because I’m sharing information that would be particularly personal or identifiable.

      I post under my ‘regular’ name about things that happen with my team and my experiences as a manager. I try to do it in ways that protect my team members’ privacy, but I also recommend this blog to them. If I was identifiable, reading my posts would add to their stress very inappropriately (“Was I the one she was frustrated with last Tuesday?” or “Who did she fire?”) and that’s just not right.

      Please understand why your interest in piecing together my posting history is not something I want to facilitate.

      1. charlatan*

        Understandable. Your last comment made me realize that this desire could seem threatening to those who prefer complete anonymity even though that wasn’t my intent.

        My intent isn’t to stalk, doxx or call out users, just to get clarity when same-name confusion means that it sometimes results in what appears to be the same person posting about completely disparate events, participants and issues. Sometimes I see advice given based only on what was stated in a single post and other times advice is given based on the overall context provided by multiple posts stretching out over time.

    4. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      More than once I’ve inadvertently used the same name as someone else, whether as “anonymous” or not. It just happens in this type of comment section where we don’t have unique, registered user names.

    5. Nervous Accountant*

      I sometimes use a different name (it’s just a regular ordinary name) to post, and I once saw someone w that username so I felt bad for “stealing” it and now I try to be creative, and if it’s soenthing I reallly want to come back to I’ll save it in an email/doc somewhere.

      I am curious about something though since it’s so easy to choose a username. let’s say someone were to come and post some truly awful crap and use the name of a well known commenter to idk, hide behind it or be an asshole to them…Would people even realize what’s going on?

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Alison can see the IP addresses, so she would figure it out. I am sure that she would have no problem deleting the impostor.

      2. SpiderLadyCEO*

        I think we would notice, to be honest. It would be jarring, for one. And I think the OG user of the username would probably correct that quick. And of course, I think Allison would be able to tell it’s from a different IP.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Some of us have been posting and reading for a long time. If a person is following along they might be able to identify someone if they use an accumulation of information posted by an individual.

      Others of us don’t want to be identified for work reasons or family reasons if the subject is a sensitive or highly personal subject.

      Some people leave us small clues. If you have been reading for a long time they will drop tiny references to something that we already know about the person. This might be so that most of us can keep following along as they change names.

    7. fposte*

      At one point Alison did ask the people using variations on Anonymous to pick something more distinctive, but I think that was just too big a trend to buck.

      I think otherwise there’s enough of an identity attached to usernames that people generally avoid using somebody else’s reasonably distinctive username if they realize there’s an overlap. I also think people have varying degrees of investment in identity and long-term narrative connected to a username, so it’s hard to predict an individual response.

    8. Kit*

      I did see a polite call out once; someone was using a name like “GirlProgrammer” (I don’t remember the actual name, just that it was “girl + a male-dominated job”), and another GirlProgrammer came along and said something like “I’ve been GirlProgrammer here for years, can you please pick another name”. I’m surprised I’ve only seen it once, really, especially since a lot of commenters use either a first name or a fictional character’s name even just their job! I use my name, I’m not worried about being found.

      1. fposte*

        I’ve seen that a couple of other times, and a few times I’ve also seen “Oh, sorry, I see there’s another Kit here already; I’ll be NewKit” or something similar.

      2. Persimmons*

        Yeah, I change names every once in a while since I’m in tech and thus prone to web paranoia. Once or twice I noticed a name twin and changed again right away to avoid copying, because “I’ve been here for years but just picked this name on Tuesday” doesn’t really fly.

    9. Ask a Manager* Post author

      For what it’s worth, I’m considering switching to a registration system that would require email registration and would tie each user name to one, distinct user. (The obstacle is that I can’t figure out how to require email without automatically pulling in Gravtars, which is a deal-breaker if we can’t find a way around it. My tech person is working on it.) So that may be coming at some point. If it does, people could still change user names but there would be a couple of extra steps involved in doing it. (I do know not everyone is a fan of registration. Anything I do to better manage the comment system will have pros and cons, and I believe the pros of this will outweigh the cons, though obviously that’s debatable!)

      1. Bibliovore*

        I don’t love the idea of registering and I do not participate in discussions that require it because I do believe that the information could be used in a way I did not intend. Am I wrong?

        2. Ask a Manager* Post author

          I suppose in theory that’s possible, but it’s a pretty common model for comment systems. No one will have access to your registration info but me (and I already have access to the same info for anyone who leaves an email address with their comments now, as many people already do, so I don’t see it as a huge change in that regard). Do you have a particular worry beyond just generally preferring maximum anonymity?

          (That said, I’m definitely aware some people may not register with any new system.)

          1. Not Subscribing*

            How many commenters already do give you an email address, though? It would never occur to me to do so.

            It feels like a MASSIVE and rather unpleasant change to me.

            1. Ask a Manager* Post author

              Probably about a quarter to a third currently.

              It would definitely be a big change. But as sites grow, stuff changes. This site still has the same commenting system that it’s had since it started 11 years ago, when there were 3-5 comments per post. It’s outgrown the current system, which is why I’m looking at alternative ways to manage it. That said, I expect that with any change I make, some people won’t like and may stop commenting. There’s no way around that, unfortunately. I’ve got to do what makes the most sense for the site as a whole, and for my ability to manage it.

              1. pcake*

                I once used my email address on a post here, hoping to read replies to that particular thread. Alas, for 24 hours I was pounded by hundreds of emails from AAM. I’m registered on around 20 forums around the web, and this is the only place that happened?

                Might there be a way to get notifications regarding just a single poster’s topic rather than every topic?

                1. Ask a Manager* Post author

                  I actually turned off that functionality entirely a few months back because it was putting too much strain on the server, so now there are no email notifications about comments at all. But yeah, when it was turned on, the only way to do it was to get all replies to that post or none of them. I tested a way to just send notifications about replies to your own comment, but it broke a bunch of other things. So for now, there are just no email notifications at all.

                  (And to be clear, if the site switches to registration, entering your email will just be to register, not to sign up for comment emails or anything else.)

            2. Courageous cat*

              I’m kinda surprised by all these comments – I can think of almost exactly 0 other sites, excluding this one, that don’t make you register in some way in order to be able to post. IME that’s extremely uncommon.

              And I mean, regardless of that, what do you think is realistically going to happen? I’ve given my email out to hundreds of sites to register, I’m sure, and my life is still the same.

              1. Annie Moose*

                Same. And yes, I have occasionally given my email address to a sketchy site and gotten a bunch of spam as a result, but that’s what spam filters are for. (and, more importantly, throwaway email addresses. The email address I use here is NOT my primary email address)

                This is such a non-issue that I’m surprised there’s multiple people who are concerned about it.

          2. Can't Take The Heat*

            What security precautions are you taking to ensure our email addresses will be stored safely? Are you prepared to fully comply with GDPR regulation for EU residents?

            1. Ask a Manager* Post author

              Yes, of course – that’s legally mandated. If I do make the change at some point, I’ll do a post explaining exactly how that works. (And the latest version of WordPress, fortunately, is set up to comply with GDPR.)

          3. Bibliovore*

            hmm. I know you. I know your site. I appreciate this community especially the consistency of “membership” therefore would probably “register” in the new system. If I was new to discovering AAM, I probably wouldn’t. I do not leave my email in comments and appreciate that it is not required.

        3. tra la la*

          I’m with you. I don’t want a traceable throughline (i.e., oh, there’s XYZ again) because for my own reasons, I don’t want to be identified with the field I work in. If I say anything that identifies that field, I use a different name. I also really don’t want my Gravatar image popping up here. Having to register with one name would probably make me stop commenting, but I realize that I’m just one small datapoint.

        4. For example right now*

          Agreed. Also I would be more cautious about sharing information and commenting if it could be tied to my email and if I had to log in. I get that it could be more secure and create a culture of featured commentor voices, but I just don’t feel comfortable talking about work norms and experiences and such without being able to temporarily switch up my handle for extra anonymity.

      2. Anon for this*

        I believe I inadvertently used other posters’ handles a couple of times when I first posted. I’m more of an irregular than a regular. However, I use a shared computer at work so if we were to have registration, I don’t think I’d be able to post from there at all. As is, it is difficult to remove the user name from popping up if/when coworker goes on AAM after I’ve been there. I could just stop posting from work… I do so rarely as is… but since many of us post from work, AAM might not want to make a change that would discourage it.

    10. Catherine*

      I’ve been commenting sporadically here for a couple years but recently noticed another Catherine around. Sort of debating whether I should switch names or embrace the twinsies.

    11. Nervous Accountant*

      On a similar note….I actually got called out once when I posted under a different name . Someone literally put this in their username “NA is that you?” It happened long ago enough that idc if I’m “outed”. I hadn’t posted anything rude or mean or controversial, just the start of my own crazy issues that I now talk more openly about, but it was new and I wanted to be “anonymous”. Tbh that was pretty shitty and I don’t know why they would do that. I can’t see what there is to gain from “outing” someone who needs help.

    12. Courageous cat*

      Not fully related but I occasionally wonder if people mix me up with a couple of the other Cats (I know there’s a Curious Cat and someone else with a pretty similar name). I mix MYSELF up with them, haha.

    13. Lissa*

      I feel like it’s kind of the breaks with this sort of forum. To me a setup like this encourages more casual discussion than one with ongoing threads, and I think that’s especially true if someone uses a variation of Anon or a relatively common name. I’ve seen a Lissa who isn’t me post once or twice, but I don’t really care – on this sort of site it would be really odd if someone were to pull up a detail someone with a similar name had mentioned and said “but you said you were single and you just mentioned your 10th anniversary!” or something. I’ll admit it sort of chaps my hide when someone posts and assumes other people know all their backstory or their cast of characters on a board like this, where the free-flowing nature of it feels different from other sites that are much more personal.

      I prefer this sort of comment section because it encourages people to come in and comment here and there, not having to know everybody’s posting history, etc. Also “bad” threads disappear more easily. I know some people prefer the tighter-knit community and I used to, but have come to prefer a no-registration system.

  38. Marble Cake*

    I recently tried out online dating for the first time and I’m feeling nervous. I’ve been talking to a few guys and one I have a date set up with after talking for a couple weeks. I don’t know if my past relationships have done a number to my self esteem in the fact I feel he’s out of my league or I’m being catfished. He seems to be fantastic personality wise, handsome, and fit. I’m just at a loss at why he’s interested in me. I shouldn’t say total loss as I’m not unattractive just not a model. I’m average size but definitely not fit.

    Any advice or similar experiences?

    1. charlatan*

      A coworker had that same experience. This was the first guy she noticed when she signed up and the only one she contacted. She’d say the same as you about her own looks. He’s intelligent, handsome, funny, etc and it all sounded so implausible that we joked that he must be a serial killer since everything else about him was wonderful.

      They’ve been together for a while now and are talking about the future so I’d say it’s not impossible that you’ve got yourself a good one too.

    2. Kj*

      I met three guys online when I started dating. I married the third, who I thought was too good for me. He is amazing and we are really happy together- he thinks I’m too good for him. I think your experience is pretty normal! Enjoy it!

  39. KLChica*

    About to have my first baby! Due in 9 days. Advice? Mostly nervous about the birth. Hospital bag is packed and my husband and I attended a birth class & toured the birth center at the hospital. Thanks in advance!

    2. The Doctor*

      You seem to have everything under control. Just keep following your doctors’ instructions, wait for Baby to decide that it’s time to make an appearance, and the three of you should be just fine.

    3. Forking great username*

      Make sure your significant other knows your preferences for during and after labor – advocating for yourself while in labor isn’t always easy, so having my husband in that role was a big help. Remember to talk about the after the birth stuff too – I was so focused on the actual birthing part of my plan that I didn’t think to specify that I didn’t want his parents busting in the door with camera flashes in baby’s face right as my pain meds were wearing off. (Actually, we hadn’t talked at all about what I wanted in the case of an emergency c-section because I’d just decided I wouldn’t have one. Life laughed in my face. But the c-section actually went very smoothly.)

      Try not to worry/stress too much about the things you don’t have control over. It made me feel calmer to have a plan in place – in the end, nothing went according to plan, but I still ended up with a healthy baby in my arms. My midwife was concerned that I’d end up beating myself up about the emergency c-section because I was super set on a natural birth and had read a ton about how I could do it, how our bodies were made for this, etc. I really didn’t end up having any problems with this, but I know others who have – so I guess my advice there is to just be kind of yourself and focus on what’s important. And pack a maxi dress or something similar just in case – the yoga pants I’d packed felt like hell on my incision and my husband had to bring me clothes.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Another emergency C-section here that went smoothly.

        Planned C-section for the second–I recall marveling at how much easier it was to do this without the 15 hours of induced labor first, and my surgeon suggesting that I maybe let her finish and sew me back up before I got too excited.

    4. Jemima Bond*

      No kids myself but my received wisdom from friends about the contents of your hospital bag is as follows:

      Plastic jug (like a pint measuring jug) – afterwards, especially when you pee, it is nice to pour tepid water over the area that has taken the pounding.

      Individual cartons of apple juice with a straw. Easy to drink, is basically sugary water so will keep you hydrated and give you energy.

      Snacks for your husband. Everyone is understandably prioritising you and baba, he’s forgotten, doesn’t eat, and falls over.

      1. Anona*

        If you’re in the US, the hospital will likely give you a squirt bottle for bathroom purposes, so the jug is most likely not necessary. But the water does feel good!

          1. Fellow Traveller*

            OMG Yes! After my second was born, I was so looking forward to the day that I could go to the bathroom without my peri bottle!
            In other news- the other day I caught my 6 year old giving my my 18 month old a drink of water from that same peri bottle. I was laughing too hyśterically to tell her what a gross idea that was.

    5. Newmom*

      Be as chill as possible. Hard, I know! I had a very fast labor that went much more smoothly because despite all the chaos, I was calm the entire time. Well, calm might be the wrong word (I was screaming like a banshee), but I wasn’t ever scared. I was able to go with the flow, knowing that things would be okay.

      As someone else said, the best laid plans can go awry, but 99% of the time, the new plans will be just fine. I had this whole peaceful image in my mind (LOL), and that’s not at all what happened. I also was all “Okay, as a first time mom, labor is likely to be between 12 and 30 hours long. I can do that.” HAHAHAHAHA. At 7:30pm, I was all like “Oh, I think this is real labor.” At 9 “Hmm, maybe we should go to the hospital soon.” At 10, “Yeah, we ought to go now.” At 10:30, in triage at the hospital (where I checked in at 6cm), “Uh, I think I need a room now. Like now.” Baby was in arms before 11:30.

      For particular advice, does your hospital bag contain an extension cord/power strip? You will want to charge phones at some point, and power outlets will not be plentiful/in good locations.

      Oh, also, if you do not have your baby prior to your due date, and other people know your due date, be aware that everyone you’ve ever met will text/FB message/etc you to ask if you’ve had the baby. Feel free to ignore them. I was really miserable weeks 38-41, but the WORST was people asking me if I’d had the baby yet. I stopped responding. My parents threw a fit that I wasn’t talking to them, but all they were doing was asking if they baby was here yet (including ON MY f-ing BIRTHDAY. Like I didn’t even get a happy birthday text. Just “Do you think there will be a new arrival on your birthday?” Way to show me that grandbaby means more to you than I do, mom.). It is not rude to not respond. It is not rude to not tell people you are in labor.

      No one knew I was in labor other than my husband and doula, which was easy because it was so short and in the evening. But I highly recommend that even for a long labor. Only notify people who will genuinely help you. F everyone else. This is about you first, the baby second, and your husband third. It’s not about anyone else. You don’t have to let people visit if you don’t want to. You can kick people out of your hotel room/house. It’s not rude. People showing up expecting you to host them, rather than help you is what’s rude.

      1. Slartibartfast*

        In this vein, the nurses will lie for you. “Sorry mom, no visitors, doctor’s orders”. Gid bless them, because I love my mom but she’s got to turn everything into a Hallmark movie moment and it’s just.. exhausting.

        1. ..Kat..*

          Yes, let the nurses know your visiting restrictions. We will guard you and your baby like Fort Knox!

          Good luck.

    7. Falling Diphthong*

      This advice works outside the context of childbirth: You don’t know what it’s like until you’re in it. It is okay to discover that what seemed lovely as an abstract theory is not meeting your needs now that reality is here with a vengeance, and change up your plan based on this new information.

      This is also really useful with a new baby. And with the second new baby, who oft-times decides to render the lessons you learnt with the first new baby moot.

      I believe Fivethirtyeight calls this adjusting your priors in a Bayesian analysis.

    8. LibbyG*

      How exciting! I have two thoughts to offer.

      First, when we met our pediatrician before birth he said to my spouse, “Your job is to take care of her, because everyone else will be focused on the baby.” And it was true! I had tore really badly, and with that plus sleep deprivation and hormone swings, I had some really difficult moments. I really needed someone focused on helping me identify and meet my needs.
      Second, and this goes beyond parenting, ignore any advice that starts with “Just.” Like, you: “I’m really struggling with [thing].” Other person: “Well, just … .” Anyone who responds to your difficult issue as if it had a simple solution isn’t actually listening to you.

      Good luck! I’m teary thinking of all the magical moments you’re going to have in the coming weeks!!

      1. Empty Sky*

        Speaking of tears, the main thing that my wife ended up needing post-birth that we didn’t have was a ring cushion. I wouldn’t buy one yet (not everyone will need it) but you might like to look into where you might find one. Bonus points if it’s somewhere close by.

        Also if you will be driving home: learn how to work the car seat if you haven’t already! They aren’t always intuitive, and if there is figuring out to be done, it will be much less stressful doing it beforehand than wedged into a tight parking space in the rain while you are still in “I can’t believe they just let us walk out with this baby” mode.

    9. Ranon*

      You’ll do great! If you have any anxiety around c-sections or just want more info, there’s an episode of the podcast The Longest Shortest Time called “A Childless Man Gets A C-Section” that I found incredibly useful and reassuring when I wound up with a labor that went the C-section route. It was nearly a play by play of how mine went and it was really nice to know what was going on.

      In the meantime, HGTV is great to nap to.

    10. KLChica*

      Thanks so much, everyone! We are making some meals this weekend to freeze for later. I’m also thinking of making some birth affirmation signs or something (lots of ideas on Pinterest). We are planning to have a third person at the birth to help us & in case my husband needs a break. I have a handle on the postpartum care & have stocked supplies but I’m still nervous, obviously. I think it’s just mostly fear of the unknown (for the birth and postpartum). I’ve also gotta decide if I want visitors at the hospital.
      And I have a set date for my last day of work, so need ideas to fill the time in case the baby is very late! (Other than Netflix, of course)

      And thanks again for the good wishes. :)

      1. Owler*

        Also, remember that experts often talk about the period after birth as the “fourth trimester” with its own special challenges. Be extra kind to yourself and your spouse as you figure out how to be parents, and make time for eating, sleeping, exercising, and being a couple.

      2. Newmom*

        When you are overdue, walk.
        Walk.
        Walk some more.
        It’ll be good for you and it’ll help get the baby out.
        And if you live anywhere like where I live, you’ll spend way more time talking to your neighbors and strengthening those relationships. This was invaluable when the baby came. Neighbors–who are less close than friends/family–were the perfect people to pick up something from the store/run small errands. And I also got to know the neighborhood grandma better, which was clutch when I got trapped in an airport away from home, the nanny was sick, and my husband had a super important work meeting.

    11. Juli G.*

      Post partum can really suck. I don’t mean depression necessarily but the physical aspects. For example, take the stool softener. And you will likely lose some hair (I’m still so angry no one told me that). And breastfeeding might be the best weight loss plan ever or you might not a lose a pound.

      And you won’t sleep in the hospital. My husband actually went home and slept the two nights we were in after baby 1 came so he was well-rested to let me finally get some sleep (unfortunately, baby 1 ended up staying a week in the nursery on an IV and baby 2 was in a week on oxygen so best laid plans but… it would have been a good plan.)

      1. Bumpjumper*

        If you end up with a c section—I have three pieces of advice. 1. Do NOT look up in the operating room. The lights are reflective. Don’t do it.
        2. Post C section, you will feel what I affectionately termed “the hot stabbies of doom”. It feels like a curling iron being held against your skin. The advice is this—they are not a permanent part of your life. Just when you fear they will never ever stop, they will.
        3. About three weeks after a c section, you will wake up and suddenly feel AMAZING. You will think you can do EVERYTHING, and will be tempted to act on it. DO NOT DO THIS. If you do, the next day, you will wish you’d never been born. You will hate yourself and you will hate your parents for bringing you into this world. Listen to me when I say: don’t do it.
        One last word on c sections, from a person who’s given birth three times one way and one time the other way—it’s ALL natural birth. Unless they pull that kid out of your nose, you have given birth naturally. Now get some sleep, mama!!!

        1. Belle*

          Really good advice. Our baby is three months old and I had to have a C Section after 36 hours of induced labor of hell (not fun) and tried to push myself too hard once I “felt” better. Seriously don’t try to do too much — even laundry that soon can cause pain the next day.

          Things that helped me afterwards:

          -Take people up on their offers of help. Food, housework, anything will make it easier for you
          -Seconding taking the stool softener right away. Birth really messes with your digestive system
          -If you have a pet, bring a blanket for the baby to use and then take it home a day before your baby for the pet to smell. It helped our cat adjust to our little one and made the transition easier on him
          -Don’t take anything to the hospital that is precious. We had a bag disappear — you never know!
          -Lots of snacks for your partner. It is hard to leave the room at first because the baby and you will need lots of help
          -I found a book helpful for during the labor. Kept my mind off things

          Good luck!

    12. TardyTardis*

      Sleep whenever the baby does (if you can nap. I can’t sleep during the day, even when I had pneumonia. Arrgh). Put all the laundry in the machine and sleep then if the baby will let you, secure in the knowledge that your robot slave is doing all the hard work, or something like that. Have lots of meals already prepped if you can, so all you have to do is to pull out and microwave. Hire someone else to do the dishes.

      Oh yes–sleep. Plus, if your baby has colic, a tablespoon of Karo Syrup (light or dark, doesn’t matter) in 8 oz of formula (mine had it on breast milk) is the true gift of God.

    13. Kuododi*

      No advice…. just plenty of blessings to you, your beloved, and this precious new one coming to the world in a few days. May the Holy One bless, preserve and keep you all.

    14. Dr. Anonymous*

      If somehow you do have to have an emergency c section things will likely happen very very very fast. Just remind yourself that this is because the staff has experience and has put a lot of thought into how to make emergency c sections happen very very fast. It’s because they’re good!

    15. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

      I wish for you a delivery like my 2nd – I was admitted at 6:09 am and he was born at 6:56 am!

  40. Red Reader*

    Environmental Compliance: we were talking about patterns yesterday for purchase (or test knitting), if you’re amenable to share your shop?

  41. CatCat*

    Does anyone know of a physical planner/calendar (weekly or daily) that has time running down the page for each day (like 6 am to 8 pm) that doesn’t give short shrift to Saturday and Sunday, and isn’t full of a bunch of extra “stuff” (like goal setting, writing a gratitude, tracking water intake, noting what went well and what needs improvement, etc.)?

    I had no luck at the office supply store and haven’t found what I’m looking for in online stores.

      1. CatCat*

        I thought about that, but I really don’t want a bunch of pieces of paper or have to get something bound myself if there’s an existing bound and printed product.

    3. Glomarization, Esq.*

      The Quo Vadis “President” weekly planner gives short shrift only to Sunday. That is, the Saturday column is the same size as Monday thru Friday. To the right of Saturday is a double-wide column for goals, notes, phone numbers, expenses, etc. Maybe if the style works 90% for you, you could use that column for Sunday, if you find the Sunday space too small. I’d include a link, but I don’t want my comment to go straight to moderation. Just google quo vadis president and that should get you a look at what I’m talking about.

      And now I’m reminded that it’s about time for me to order my 2019 refill.

    4. Damn it, Hardison!*

      The Emily Ley daily planner might be close. Every day/page has one column with times and another that’s for to-dos. It looks like Sat. and Sunday share a single page though. There are no “extras” (gratitude, water tracking, etc.) which is what I appreciate most about it. The website is emilyley dot com One note – they do sell out fast, and were launched this week. (I use the weekly planner version).

      1. Brenda*

        I was going to recommend the Emily Ley Dapper Desk planners but they just sold out this weekend. It’s a more basic version of the simplified planners and lists out all the hours from 6am to 9pm and has plenty of space for notes. It has a really simple, elegant design as well.

    6. Calendar Person*

      I just bought one at Costco. Two actually, gave the other to a friend. It has a full page per day, day runs 7 am to 7:30 pm. There’s 3 little boxes at the bottom of each page, one for reminders, telephone calls, and notes (only takes up an inch.) It has a two page full month calendar at the beginning of each month, an expenses section and a few tables (distance etc.) at the back. The brand is Brownline and they do have a web page – just add dot com at the end.

    7. Best cat in the world*

      You might find a Happy Planner that would fit what you need. There are some that are coming out this month that have hourly lines on them.
      Or Today Or Any Day (Toad) might have something, they do filofax style refills.

    8. Girl friday*

      I like Day-Timer! They have a lot of options for people. I use them out of nostalgia- love paper planners.

    10. AnyPenny*

      I use Erin Condren planners. Roughly $50- $60 bucks. Customizable, without added fluff, it has 2 layout versions – one of which is an hourly setup of 6am to 7pm. It’s my Christmas gift to myself every year.

    11. Teach*

      You can order a Plum Paper Planner from Etsy or their website with equal-sized day columns and your choice of how they are divided. I get the one that is by the hour. There is a small amount of “extra” boxes, but not obnoxiously. I use them for to-do lists for the week and meal planning.
      The paper is lovely, thick and smooth, and they are well-made with very sturdy cute covers and durable spiral bindings.

      1. Tort-ally Harebrained*

        Yes! Love my Plum Paper and the website makes it very easy to customize and know exactly what you are getting. Pretty reasonably priced as well.

    12. TardyTardis*

      The standard day diary at Staples has full pages for each day, including Saturday and Sunday. It’s a hardbound book, but works surprisingly well (it’s also almost $40, too).

    13. anonagain*

      At-A-Glance seems to have some 24 hour daily appointment books online. Maybe one of those would work for you?

      If you don’t need all of 6am-8pm, Levenger’s Circa line has an 8am-8am weekly layout and a 7am-7am daily layout. Franklin Covey has a few designs that might work too. If you’ll be carrying this around, a ring or disc binding might be nice so you don’t have to carry around a ton of bulk.

      I hope you’re able to find something you like. I hate when my notebooks don’t have what I need.

    14. Lollygagger*

      Moleskin notebooks have a great physical daily one. I think it goes 8am to 8pm though. Every day if the week has the same page, and the very front has calendars for planning. I switched to the 18 month daily one starting in July and I LOVE it

  42. Mimmy*

    A couple months ago, I posted about having elevated liver enzymes and needed to do an ultrasound and repeat blood work. I finally had my follow-up on these tests on Thursday. The ultrasound showed fatty liver as well as a bit of fat on my pancreas. My enzymes, though, went way down, though one is still a bit elevated. The one difference was that I didn’t drink one bit between my two blood tests. So even though I’m not truly a heavy drinker, I am apparently now sensitive to alcohol. I’ll admit that I used to drink whenever my husband did. So yeah, those days are over. It’s for the best.

    Question though: Does fatty liver cause discomfort/pain and nausea? I sometimes have some discomfort in my upper right abdomen – it’s hard to tell if it’s muscular or internal. It’s not horrible but it is a bit annoying. The nausea, thankfully, isn’t to the point where I even come close to vomiting, but it is unpleasant. That could easily be put down to other causes also.

    Ugh….I want my 20s back!!! (I’ll be 45 next month)

    2. fposte*

      Sorry it’s not great news, Mimmy, but I’m glad it’s not worse. As Glomarization notes, upper right quadrant pain can be gallbladder, but once you get into the digestive arena there can be referred pain from things like gastritis or IBS, too.

      1. Mimmy*

        Bleh, I hope it doesn’t turn into that! So far, like I said, it is not at all unbearable, but I’ve heard gallstones / gallbladder issues can be VERY painful.

        I do remember after an elective procedure in 2005, the surgeon did a check of my abdominal organs and mentioned that I had a “prominent” gallbladder, whatever that means. Might be nothing, but you never know…

        1. Lissa*

          On the plus side if it is gallbladder and you do need to have it, it’s a solid answer and often not a long recovery. Personal experience follows, feel free to ignore. I had a ton of problems – nausea, pain, etc. with a few episodes of literally the worst pain I have experienced in my life. They took my gallbladder out, and I was back on my feet within a few days, feeling SO much better. Having a solid reason for my symptoms with a solution was amazing for my mental health even when I waited for surgery.

    3. brushandfloss*

      My nausea and pain were symptoms of gall stones. Try to track if you have pain after eating a fatty meal.

    5. PhyllisB*

      My sister had fatty liver disease and she had to stop alcohol, and the doctor told her to eat nothing that had a face. After a period of time she was better and now I think she’s allowed to eat and drink what she wants, but she just tries to be careful. Note: I’m getting this info from my mother so I don’t know how accurate it is. Bottom line: If you are careful and follow doctor’s instructions you may recover.

  43. Ali G*

    I need to buy new makeup. I haven’t bought anything new in a year, and now that I am starting a new thing we don’t talk about here, I’d like to start fresh.
    Does anyone have any experience with place like Sephora where they do your makeup for you and then you buy products? I’m not bad at makeup, I’m just not a creative type and I have no idea what would look good.
    Also how do you figure out a skin care regime? I’m almost 40 and still doing similar things that I was doing 10 years ago. Should I go to the dermatologist or are there other ways to figure out what my skin needs?

    1. Jillociraptor*

      I did a makeup lesson at my hair salon a couple of years ago and it was extremely helpful. The stylist was really responsive to my specific needs and was great about recommending a few different products and explaining the benefits of each. I have no experience with Sephora or similar for this, but I would worry a little bit that they might be more pushy about purchasing a specific product or line over what would specifically work best for you. I still wouldn’t say I’m any kind of makeup aficionado, but I can pull off a quick daytime look and know that it looks decent.

    2. SpiderLadyCEO*

      I’ve recently been developing a skin care regime, so what I’ve been doing is…trying new products, locking one in, and then shuffling around the rest to get the best results.

      I do think going to a dermatologist would be a good plan, but if you just don’t want to, it might be good enough now to just sit down, look at your skin, make a list of the things you want to address, and find products that work for those issues, and just start trying things! I read reviews and comments for everything I buy, and I will note both Sephora and Ulta have good reviews on their sites, where reviewers will often list skin types.

      One thing to consider is if you really need a full new regime, or if you just want to switch out one product, or add something to it. I’ve never really had good skin care before, so I’m building a lot from scratch, but you might not need to.

    3. D'Euly*

      Nordstrom offers free consults that cover both skin care and makeup. I’ve had good experiences: very helpful tips, lots of free samples, and they’ve been very good about staying within my budget when it came time to actually purchase anything.

      1. SpiderLadyCEO*

        Ooh, this is so helpful. Is it a certain brand that does this, or does Nordstrom have like, an all-brand ambassador? I would love love love to do something like this, but I would be worried about picking a brand counter and just…not…knowing which one is best for me/my face.

        1. Tired*

          If you go to Nordstrom’s website, you can schedule an appointment with a beauty stylist. It’s just like a personal stylist, but specifically for cosmetics. I used to work at Nordstrom, and I highly recommend both services. There’s no pressure to buy, and the appointments are very fun!

      2. TheTallestOneEver*

        Another vote for Nordstrom. I’ve had great experiences with their beauty stylists.

        For skincare, I’d recommend Makeup Artist Choice (www.makeupartistschoice.com). You can email them with your specific skincare issues or concerns and they’ll make recommendations. They’re very responsive. They also sell smaller, sample/travel size versions of their products so you don’t have to commit to full size versions of products.

    4. Middle School Teacher*

      Yes, go! If you spend a certain amount at Sephora you get at least one free makeover a year, plus I think they do free 15-minute ones that focus on a certain thing (ex eyes or contouring). Often if you buy a certain amount (I think $50 worth), the makeover is free. I would book an appointment and specify to the mua exactly what your concerns are and what you want. For example, if you say you want a low-maintenance, yet polished look, that takes 15 minutes max, they won’t (or shouldn’t) try to sell you on some crazy eye makeup or something super time-consuming. For eyes I like the Smashbox covershot palette in matte, it’s got some neutral colours that look good on a variety of skin tones and are easy to blend. It’s also fairly cheap for a palette (I think $35, compared with $50+ for tarte or TooFaced or Urban Decay). For foundation, powder ones tend to be faster to apply; if minerals work for you, bare minerals or Tarte Amazonian Clay are good and easy to use (and Tarte was mega on sale, at least last weekend); for pressed powder, IT Cosmetics or Laura Mercier are good brands. I’ve heard good things about the Sephora brand but never used their foundations. For liquid, right now I love the Benefit Hello Happy. For drugstore brand, L’Oréal pro-matte or pro-glow, depending on your skin type and finish.

      For skin care, you might want to talk to a dermatologist, but a skin care person at Sephora might be able to help. It depends on your skin type of course. I have combo tending to oily, so in the morning I only splash with water, use toner, serum, spf, and moisturiser. In the evening I use cleanser and moisturiser (sometimes a night gel). For affordable at Sephora I think First Aid Beauty is the best brand. Ole Henriksen is good but pricey, and LaNeige is good and a decent price. Whatever you do, the spf is key, of course :) (Kiehls makes a good face one, it’s spf 50, I think.) Have fun!

    5. SpellingBee*

      I’ve had good luck at Sephora, and haven’t found them to push the more expensive lines over, for example, their own brand products. The nice thing about going there versus a makeup counter in a department store is that at Sephora they’ll pull things from any brand to fit what you want or need. I took my 85-year-old mother there a couple of months ago and they set her up with a nice, simple makeup routine using minimal products that looks fabulous on her (tinted moisturizer, a cream blush and a light concealer). We had a great time and the makeup artist was lovely and easy to work with. Tell them how much time and effort you’re willing to spend to put on your makeup, the effect you’re going for, and your budget, and in my experience they’ll be more than happy to make suggestions and kit you out.

      Re skin care regime, are you not happy with the way your skin looks and feels? If you are, no need to change anything. I personally think that a simple skin care routine that’s compatible with your skin is just as effective as any of the fancy multi-step ones. A good friend of mine has always used Noxzema – just Noxzema, nothing else. She’s in her 70s and her skin looks amazing. I tried it and found it a little irritating as I have mild rosacea and sensitive skin, but I can’t argue with her results. My routine is cleansing with micellar water, rinse, then Cerave in the big tub for a moisturizer. Easy and inexpensive, and works for me.

    6. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I’ve had good experiences with Sephora and their makeup artists. It helps to have a general idea of what you are and aren’t interested in – maybe you want a very natural look (“you but better”) or don’t want to wear any eyeshadow, etc. Tarte is great for blushes, and I also like their double duty glide and go lipsticks (hydrating and not too shiny). A good basic eyeshadow palette is any of the Urban Decay Naked palettes, but they are being discontinued (which means they are discounted!). I found that as I got older matte shadows are more flattering than shimmery/metallics, but that’s really just my preference.

      For a skin care routine, you might want to check out Paula’s Choice. There’s a lot of good information about products in general (what’s the difference between AHA and BHA? Should I use a retinol?). You can buy sets of products based on you skin type/needs, which I found helpful when I started to get more serious about skincare. I still use several Paula’s Choice products but have supplemented with others (mostly from Fresh and Drunk Elephant, both at Sephora). Another brand I like is First Aid Beauty, good products at a slightly lower price point,

    7. Reba*

      There is so much to the online beauty world! I know I have seen plenty of blogs and Youtube channels that are geared towards older users (not that you are old — but neither you nor I are teens anymore!). I would recommend poking around online a bit and finding someone whose style you like and whose skin seems somewhat like yours.

      My experience with the Sephora short makeup session was kind of meh, but that could have been a communication failure on my part. Shopping for makeup has gotten lots better for me once I got less awkward about trying things in the store and ***asking for samples**** which you can do with or without the makeover service.

      Hope you have fun!

    8. Observer*

      The good places are good, the others range.

      I’ve never been to Sephora, and I’d be interested to know how it goes, since I think they sell more than one brand. My best consistent experience has been with Clinique, but they only sell their stuff, which is ok most of the time, but they are not inexpensive and I don’t like everything they have.

  44. dating stress*

    I am new to the dating scene and am feeling emotionally stress from trying to figure out my own idea of an ideal partner verses my parents’ thoughts of an ideal partner.
    I am a woman in my late 20s and am also finding myself a bit immature compared to most adults my age and over my age. Through a dating app, I have met a few nice guys, but the guy I have chatted and hang out with the most is a guy in his 30s. We had chatted for three months. We still hang out despite that sometimes I still lack tech and financial knowledge most adults know. I haven’t been too open about my lack of knowledge with the guy either.
    My parents don’t approve of the guy and recommended that I hang out with him less and try to find other guys. I was shocked at my parents’ suggestions. Yet, I am also stressed that with my lack of dating knowledge, I still did not ask the guy all the questions needed to determine if he how he feels about our relationship and how capable is he to be able to care for me if we were to get into the relationship deeper. I don’t just want to cease hanging out with him like that. I know dating multiple people is the norm now, and I am still using the app to see if there are more choices out there for me.
    It is stressful to deal with differing opinions on dating from my family and me. Yet, I wanted to know if the guy is compatible. I think it is better if I found out sooner or later, but am I rushing too much. Conversations in hanging out with guys is still intimitating to me. I just feel so confused now. And I don’t know what should be my next step.

    1. dating stress*

      I also feel worried about expressing to my family the guy’s preference to live in a different nearby city, which might be a deal-breaker for my family who prefers men to be able to afford the expensive homes in my city. Thus, I also did not tell my family entire details of my conversations with the guy.

      1. Forking great username*

        I would take that decision to not tell your family all of the details about your conversations with this guy a step further. It’s a start, but it’s not enough. They are WAY too involved here given your age, and the only way to get up to speed in the areas where you’re lackinf knowledge is to start doing things for yourself. It seems that your parents take you giving them information as you asking them for advice (except the advice is more like orders!) So give them less information.

        Do you still live with your parents? Do you work full time?

      2. Ali G*

        Do you live with your parents? They seem a bit controlling and I am wondering how much of your “lacking” is true or is what your parents tell you is true. Maybe I am out of line, and feel free to tell me if I am, but if you are so much under your parents thumb, you won’t have much success in finding a partner, because you don’t know yourself enough to *be* someone’s partner.
        I think you need to separate yourself from your parents a bit, and figure out what you like, you want out of your life, and learn the things you think you don’t know (maybe you can actually manage your own money and don’t need them or a man to do it for you!).

        1. Dating stress*

          I agree that I do need to think about my own needs and individuality as I grow in life. It can be hard if your life is interwoven with your parents in some ways. Like I do need to help my parents out now and then.

          1. Kj*

            Helping parents out is very different than letting parents know details of your dating life. It sounds like you feel you owe your parents information. You do not. If you have a hard time with boundaries with parents, consider seeking therapy. Also, since you are living with your parents, is there some way you can move out? Even in expensive cities, there are ways. I’m assuming you work- can you find a roommate and use your salery to move out?

    2. Kj*

      You are in your late 20s. Tell your parents less about your dating life. They don’t need to know most aspects of it. My parents met my now-husband after we’d been dating for 6 months.

      And you seem kind of ashamed of not knowing what “typical” adults know about tech and finances. Can you fix that? Take a class, read a book about retirement planning? We all start in different places for knowing about this stuff and 20s isn’t that late to just be figuring it out.

      Dating knowledge is best acquired from, well, dating. You have to try it out. You are doing that and you are fine- I didn’t date until my mid 20s and I am now in my 30s and happily married. And pregnant. But my family let me handle my own dating life. They adore my husband now, but if they didn’t, I wouldn’t have worried about it.

    3. fposte*

      In addition to what other people are saying, it seems like you’ve got some idea of a standard for your age and are determined that you’re not meeting it. This isn’t actually true. Lots of people don’t know about finances for their entire life and some people get compound interest when they’re 12. I’m wondering if this is more of a reflection of the relationship with your parents–do they tell or imply to you that you’re not mature or capable enough? Because it’s likely that they’re wrong, and that this is how they express their struggle with letting you go.

      I would also encourage you not to consider this something you need to hide–or to disclose. There are some things you don’t know about tech. Get in line with the rest of us on that :-). This isn’t a personal failing of yours, and honestly, I would advise you against a relationship with a man who thought it was.

      1. Dating stress*

        I just find that sometimes my lack of knowledge makes it hard to have adult conversations. When they’re discussing about investments and computer issues. I also have a business grad school degt and this makes it more ironic that I have little financial knowledge.

        1. MindoverMoneyChick*

          I teach personal finanaced for a living. In fact I did a session this morning and most of the attendees couldn’t even define what a stock or a bond was. People in their late 20s and early 30s. It is very, very, common not to know much about investing at that age. Of course there are people who know a fair amount as well, that’s pretty common too. Basically there’s a full spectrum on this stuff and you are probably in very good company with a lot of your peers and you are just noticing the ones who know more than you.

          Oh, also, lots of people think they know stuff about investing and talk authoritatively on the subject and are just plain wrong ;).

    4. Clever Name*

      I’m divorced (got married to my college sweetheart) and had my first real date at age 38. You are in no way behind.

    5. Aurora Leigh*

      Oh that sounds tough!

      My parents have also been weird/controlling about letting me go/me growing up. I can’t imagine trying to date when I still lived at home, honestly. Hanging out with friends could be challenging enough.

      I didn’t start dating till I was 25. My parents met him after we had dated a couple months (he was eager to introduce me to his family and wanted to meet mine as well). They are . . . not his biggest fans. But we have been together over a year and live together, so their opinion doesn’t really matter!

      I would be honest with the guy about the things you don’t know when it comes up in conversation. Because of the way I was raised, there’s a LOT of pop culture stuff I missed and jokes I just don’t get. With brief acquaintances I just pretend that of course I know that. But with someone I want to have a real relationship with, I’m honest. My bf was pretty shocked I’d never seen the Harry Potter movies, so he watched the dvds with me.

      About the guy you’re chatting with — 3 months seems like a long time to have not defined the relationship at all to me, but I am by no means an expert. Have you met in person yet or is this all online? I think meeting people in person is really important to do early on — someone’s online persona can be so different. My bf started the “are we exclusive?” convo on the 3rd date.

      What specifically do your parents say when they say they disapprove? Is it the age gap? Something about the way he treats you? Do their complaints seem grounded in reality? Or do you feel like they’re making up excuses not to like him?

      My parents went through a litany of complaints about my boyfriend (and me) when I told them I was moving with him. Some of these were really dumb — is his back trouble genetic? Some of them had a hint of truth — yes, he can sometimes be lazy on his days off, he works a stressfull job. But none of them were dealbreakers for me.

      Best of luck to you! Setting up boundries with controlling parents is hard and sometimes feels neverending but it is so worth it!

    6. The Person from the Resume*

      Yes, what others are saying. Your parents/family are way too involved in your dating life. Since they are judge mental you need to tell them less. Do you have friends you can discuss dating and dates with instead of your family?

      As for feeling uneducated in adult topics, start learning by reading books or on the internet. Although I think a lot of adults are uninformed about the topics you mentioned so I think you’re also being hard on yourself.

      I see two things: you are still living with your parents and maybe feel childish because you haven’t moved out OR you’re ideal adult is unrealistic or unrealistic for a late 20 something. If your parents are the adults you aspire to let in mind they’re 20-30 years ahead of you in life experience. I think you need to think about this and do something to gain confidence in your ability to be a responsible adult.

  45. The Doctor*

    A question about Door Etiquette:

    When a store has two doors available for entering and exiting, people often line up to use one door in both directions while totally ignoring the other door. I usually walk past the line and use the second door (holding it for the next person, of course). More often than not, others give me a truly dirty look, as if I’ve committed some heinous crime.

    What specific part of my action is wrong or rude? Bypassing the line? Using a door that isn’t already being used? Avoiding thanking somebody for holding the first door for me? Showing others how silly they are to ignore a door that is there to be used (and to comply with fire codes)?

    1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      I’ve never noticed dirty looks but I do this all the time. There is some kind of weird tendency to crowd through the open door even though there is another door right next to it. Maybe people feel a bit foolish that they didn’t open the other door?

      2. Not So NewReader*

        See the same types of things while driving. One person decides to finally go around that vehicle turning left and others follow that one person.

        With the door thing though, I thought it was because opening the other door might hit someone.
        Or maybe our homes don’t have double doors like that so maybe there is an assumption that it is locked closed.

        In the end, thought, people do tend to copy each other. This is why when shopping carts first came into use, stores had to hire people to walk around the store using the cart. The public ignored the carts at the front of the store.

      3. Lcsa99*

        It drives me crazy when people do this! There is no reason not to use that second door! If they are too narrow minded to think of it themselves they deserve to be stuck waiting but I won’t.

    2. Ali G*

      Haha! I know what you mean! I also get weird looks from people when I am going the opposite direction and use the other door – so if I am exiting and someone is coming in, why is it a big deal that I use the other door at the same time?
      I honestly think people are like sheep sometimes – oh there’s a line, guess I just wait here until it’s my turn to go in the door…
      I don’t get it either.

    3. kc89*

      I think I’m picturing a different scenario, what I’m picturing is an unofficial enter door and an unofficial exit door, and you’re using the exit door to enter

      BUT you’re saying that everyone is using one door to both enter and exit, so really they have no reason to give you a look

    4. LCL*

      Double doors, and the right hand door is the one being held open, right? The majority of people are right handed, and it is easier to hold the right hand door open. So it’s physically easier to go through the already open door.

      The contortions my tall, left handed partner goes through to hold the door for people are interesting to watch. With family, he will step ahead of you, reach over and do a sort of half turn. People think he is taking cuts and give him dirty looks.

    5. Someone Else*

      Unless the door you did go through had a “please use other door” indicated somewhere you didn’t notice, you’re doing nothing wrong.

    6. AnyPenny*

      It is annoying how people gravitate towards using only the open door. My husband has balance issues and uses a cane but he still insists on opening the door for me at stores and restaurants. People have actually tripped over my husband’s cane trying to squeeze past him through the open door while he is trying to actively walk through ignoring the other, fully functioning door and the people coming in behind him. My husband likes to loudly point out, “You know there’s another door for y’all to use that doesn’t require you tripping me or blocking my way.”

  46. Be the Change*

    Love of the week?

    Mine’s dinner parties at other people’s houses! I know that sounds completely selfish, so let me explain – I do a TON of entertaining at work, so the idea of doing it at home is no way. I am a perfect guest, happy to eat anything, help clean up, etc. It’s just so nice to eat something new in good company, and my husband really enjoys being social.

    2. Jemima Bond*

      Oh I feel you! I love a dinner party either at mine or as a guest. Good food, wine, company, a seat and no loud dance music – my idea of a perfect evening! Also much cheaper than eating out even factoring in hosting the party from time to time, and taking a bottle of wine when one is a guest.

    3. fposte*

      One thing I like about this thread is it makes me appreciate things throughout the week. So this week I’m going to say my phone case. I went old-school with a leather flip cover, and it’s the perfect leather, lovely to touch even as it gets beat-up and weathered by its life in my purse. If my phone breaks I may just carry the case around for its own sake.

      1. Kit*

        I also adore my phone case! It’s a clear rubbery material with extra sciencey rubber stuff around the perimeter so when (WHEN) I drop my phone, it bounces! Phone cases are one of those things where there are a billion cheap ones and the online reviews are all lies, so when you find a good one it’s like a little miracle.

    4. Waiting for the Sun*

      My love us movie theaters that don’t require reserved seating. Not worth the hassle, and I don’t care about the big reclining seats that seem to go with reserved seating.
      “Get off my lawn with your reserved seating, you kids!”

      1. Nicole76*

        I feel the same way. Half the time my feet can’t even touch the floor so I have to recline when I don’t want to or I’ll be uncomfortable. Also, what if I’m stuck next to someone obnoxious? I can’t just move. I really hope the theater closest to us doesn’t ever switch to reserved seating.

      2. Lucy*

        funny, i am the opposite. Love the reserved seating and reclining seats. No more standing in line to get good seats. I just arrive 5 min before movie starts

    5. Overeducated*

      I love outdoor cookouts at other people’s houses for a similar reason! I don’t have an outdoor space where I can host a group, so I am a grateful guest who always brings lots of sides and alcohol.

    6. Anonymosity*

      I started making coffee with a French press. OMG. I used to just have instant coffee in the morning because I couldn’t be arsed to do anything else. And for some reason, I managed to acquire a 12-cup coffeemaker I almost never used since I’m all alone in here. But I found the press for cheap and it takes 4 minutes to make a way better cup. The press takes up almost no space compared to the coffeemaker, which I donated to my fan group’s upcoming garage sale. So far, I’ve used some Dunkin’ Donuts original blend (decent but a bit astringent) and Cafe Bustelo (love it). I buy it already ground.

      I have this friend who is kind of a coffee snob, and now I’ve taken a step in his direction, haha. He has been encouraging without being critical. :)

    7. Marion Ravenwood*

      Kevin Kwan’s Crazy Rich Asians series. I raced through the first one and am halfway through the second. They’re waaay over the top but the escapist vibe is exactly what I need right now.

  47. Jemima Bond*

    I have just attended a selection day for a quasi-military volunteer organisation. There were various fun teamwork/problem solving exercises. During one of these, I looked the commandant dead in the eye and assured her that panda infestation is a problem on my Uncle Neville’s bamboo farm in an unremarkable Sussex town. They’d be mad not to accept me!

  48. Gaia*

    I’ve been doing some family research for years now and had pretty good luck. But one person has always alluded my. My Grandfather’s father, who we know came to America in 1906 from Italy seemed to appear out of nowhere. We couldn’t find any record of him in Italy. His surname only exists in a small pocket in central/southern Italy (less than 200 people have it today) and he was claimed to have been born in the far northern Italy provinces. He passed in the 1960s but, before that, he never spoke of his time before coming to America.

    This week, we had a major break. I found his civil birth registration online (Italy is digitizing all of these and it is amazing!). Most of it as handwritten and (obvs) in Italian so I got some help from some friends transcribing and translating it.

    He was born in the town we thought he was, in the year and month expected (although, weirdly, 20 days earlier but birthdates were wishy washy in the 1880s). I was so hopeful I’d learn the name of at least on parent, possibly a grandparent since they are often listed on Italian birth registrations. But it wasn’t meant to be. The infant was born to a woman that refused to be named and a hospital worker reported the birth. His name was made up by the town clerk who recorded births.

    I looked into this and, apparently, this was relatively common. These children were called proeitti (foundlings) and there was a whole process for how to name them, and what to do with them.

    Where this gets even more interesting was I knew that my great grandfather had someone, in America, that he called a “step-brother.” Through the magic of Google, I was able to find this person’s daughter and sent her a quick email just asking if she ever remembered her father mentioning my great grandfather. I was thinking they may have been good friends and perhaps she would know something about who raised my great grandfather. As it turns out, she replied immediately and told me that her grandparents raised my great grandfather!

    We’ve been emailing back and forth for days now and she’s been able to provide a ton of information about her family in Italy. I find myself sad that we’ll never know who his biological family is but I’m very excited to know more about his adopted family!

    Now i just have to figure out how to tell this information to my family who identify strongly with the surname he was raised with (which is not the one of his adopted family). Several have even changed it back from the Americanized version to the original Italian and I don’t think any of them will take well to being told we likely aren’t actually part of this small clan.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Ahh… genealogy. I got the word that our last name “Smith” is not really our last name, we are probably “Jones”. I found this out a couple months after my father died, so I could not ask him. Kind of mind blowing, but I have started to believe that very few of us our with our biologicals. While the people we have now maybe biologically related, as we go back and back and back, somewhere along the line somebody got adopted. Times were harder for so many reasons.

      So this sounds like a woman had your grandfather out of wedlock? So this other couple raised him? It’s very unusual to get confirmation of something like this, you are lucky.

      1. Gaia*

        The most likely scenario is she was unmarried. But after doing a bit of research, it also sounds like a huge number of married women were giving up their children at this time in Italy. There was rampant and extreme poverty among the majority and they saw no other options. They even built these wheels where children could be left and it would alert the local authorities to come and care for the baby….

        I can’t judge them. I just feel bad. We may think times are hard now but I cannot even imagine poverty being so extreme that so many people were giving up children that nearly every town had to build actual and physical infrastructure to have a place where the children could be left…..

    2. Kit*

      I just did an AncestryDNA test and found out I’m a little Mediterranean, which I had no suspicion of! It seems like some of my French ancestors may have wandered over from Italy. Migration was simultaneously so much harder physically and so much easier bureaucratically two hundred years ago that after a while it becomes an extraordinary guessing game even with good records.

    3. Reba*

      well, what is “actually part of”? You have on the one hand reached a kind of dead end in your research, but on the other hand, opened a fascinating window onto a difficult period of history AND started a relationship with a new “clan” that you otherwise would not have known about! That sounds like a couple very cool breakthroughs to be happy about.

  49. Cherry*

    Yesterday I confessed to my friend a hugely awful thing I did 8 years ago (had a regrettable fling while married-my husband found out about it and we worked through it). My anxiety around it came up and I told them why I was freaking out. The thing I was afraid of turned out to be fine. Friend is married (he’s male and I’m female) and while I don’t believe he has that mentality, I’m a little worried he may rethink his friendship with me. (I have no such feelings or inclinations to ever cheat again, and definitely not with him)

    1. Not So NewReader*

      If he mentions it again, just refuse to discuss it. “That part of my life is over and never returning.” Then change the topic.

      1. Cherry*

        I hope so. I actually don’t (or wouldn’t since I don’t talk openly about this) mind talking about it esp with trusted friends. I’m just worried that while it’s very very VERY unlikely, he may start thinking “I wonder if she’ll make a move on me.” and distance himself from it. I know he’s not that type of person but that worry is there.

        1. Lehigh*

          I have Very Strong Feelings about cheating, am female, and have a male friend who cheated. The reason we are still friends is that–when I found out–he owned his behavior, did not make excuses, and did not try to tell me not to be upset about it. I told him what I thought of it and then we moved on. I do not hold it against him (and he does not hold my anger against me).

          It sounds like you have no qualms admitting that the cheating was bad, so I imagine it won’t be a source of that kind of ongoing tension even if he does have strong feelings about affairs (I would have trouble being close with someone who thought their affair was justified, for instance).

          Try not to worry about it too much. Try to trust what you know about him. It’s understandably a source of anxiety for you but remember it’s not looming as big for your friend as it is for you.

  50. A.N. O'Nyme*

    In today’s episode of “cultural differences that surprise me”: americans write the return adress in the top left of an envelope?

    1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      Yes! It really weirded me out when I moved to the UK and learned it was not a thing here.

    2. Gaia*

      Most people do. Some write it on the back flap of the envelope (although that seems to be in more formal instances)

      Where do you write it?

      1. charlatan*

        The back flap was how we (ie my mom) did it when I was a kid (US). I can’t remember when it was that it transitioned to the front left corner.

        1. fposte*

          My guess is that its rise coincided with the rise of the pre-printed return address label in the 1960s. Back flap was the classic location for engraved stationery.

        1. A.N. O'Nyme*

          Although I should add some people don’t write a return address at all – that was a bit troublesome when an elderly relative died and we couldn’t inform some of her pen pals of this because we didn’t have their address (elderly relative knew those by heart so didn’t need to write them down). Luckily we had the same mailman as her and he knew to deliver anything addressed to her at our place – even though technically he wasn’t allowed to.

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      Those of us who regularly mail things do.

      My daughter, in her early 20s, regularly mixes up where the stamp and the return address go. (She is intelligent in All The Ways, just doesn’t mail things. Apparently receiving things in the mail isn’t enough.)

      (I am pretty sure my son, in his teens, would default to asking me first about this strange and novel ritual and exactly how he should do it, rather than guess.)

    4. Polyhymnia O'Keefe*

      I (mid-30s, western Canada) remember learning the upper-left placement when we learned how to address envelopes in grade 2 Language Arts class.

    5. LilySparrow*

      When I was growing up, you’d see social correspondence or invitations done either way, but business correspondence was always top-left.

    6. FD*

      I’m not being snarky, just genuinely curious. Do you write it somewhere else? Do you NOT write it on the envelope at all? If you don’t, what happens to the letter if it can’t be delivered?

      1. New mail carrier*

        Don’t write the return address on the back. If it gets turned around, the machine reads the return address as the delivery address. I can’t tell you how many letters (esp. wedding invitations) I get in the machineable mail to deliver back to the sender. To resend it I have to mark out the bar codes on the front and back and hope it goes through face forward the next time.

        Undeliverable mail with no return address goes to what used to be called the dead letter office. Those folks are tasked with trying to figure out whom to return it to. If my mail is any indication, there are a lot of postcards in that office.

      2. NeverNicky*

        Return addresses were never a thing in the UK – at least not for standard personal mail. Business mail and recorded/special delivery and parcels yes, but a birthday card to your auntie – nope.

    7. TiffIf*

      .. I didn’t realize other people write it elsewhere?
      I mean I’ve seen it on the back flap on uber-fancy wedding invitations but that’s the only time I ever see it somewhere besides the to left.

  51. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Sometimes I think I’ve seen the weirdest letters this site has to offer. Then I start following “related” links or use the “random story” button and am proven horribly wrong.
    So, my fellow readers (and Allison, if you want to weigh in): what is you biggest WTF letter?

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      I think it was the intern who made a video of the marvel of the electric stapler and sent it to the office. In which the electric stapler lived, and functioned, and had long before he arrived to wonder at its power. Took a common mundane occurrence–you don’t know what you don’t know you don’t know–and the kid just knew how to crank it to 11 in the oddest contexts.

        1. Huh?*

          Wait, I’m confused. In the comments of the letter about the inept intern, it was established that the timelines didn’t match at all (the inept intern in the comments, the first link you posted, would have been finished his internship by the time the letter intern was doing his). You mentioned right in the comments it wasn’t the same person. Did something change? Did the OP of the letter confirm they were one in the same or was there an update posted that I somehow missed. I looked in the comments for both links and didn’t see anything. I’m just wondering what changed and how we now know it’s the same person despite the timelines not matching at all.

          1. Ask a Manager* Post author

            Oh! You’re right. It got stuck in my head that they were the same person but I just looked back at the comment you’re talking about and I guess they were two different situations! Sorry about that — brain misfire.

  52. Homeowner's Insurance for Restricted Breeds?*

    Has anyone had any luck finding an insurance company that will give decent homeowner’s insurance if you have one of the commonly restricted dog breeds (rotti, German shepherd, mastiff, etc)? I used to have Foremost and loved them but they only insure non-traditional homes (manufactured, rural, etc). The only two companies I can find for a traditional house in a city are State Farm and Farmers, both of whom seem to be ungodly expensive for the same level of coverage.

    Trying to avoid the discussion of whether this is right, wrong, or fair because it’s irrelevant to actually FINDING affordable insurance.

    1. fposte*

      Can you ask a breed club for info?

      My suspicion is that your choice may be limited to the ungodly expensive–that the companies who’ve opted to include higher-risk breeds does so by passing the greater cost on to you.

    2. Book Lover*

      I wonder if you talk to a broker whether you can show proof of however many years you have had the dog without issues…. Sort of like you can get less expensive car insurance if no accidents. Rather than trying to purchase it directly.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      I would try going to a large insurance agent. You want someone who represents many different insurance companies. My agency represents 110 companies. My friend’s agency represented a half dozen. My friend got stuck paying a high price to insure two very elderly vehicles, so he talk to my agency and got his insurance cut in half. It matters how many companies the agency represents.

      It might be helpful to narrow down which breed. Do you have a dog now or are you contemplating one? A good question to ask might be to ask about a shepherd mix or a rotti mix. I do know that age and mix breed mattered for me. An appraiser came to the house. He saw the dog. The dog could pass for 7 or 8, he looked good. He was 12. Once I told the appraiser he was 12 the problem went away.

    4. Ali G*

      My dog bit someone and in order to keep our insurance my mom had to get a rider on the dog. I think they did Lords of London (we are in the US). Can you talk to your current homeowners insurance and see if that is an option? I think it basically means your homeowner’s isn’t insuring you for anything to do with the dog(s) and the rider is for only the dog(s) and so would be cheaper that covering everything under one policy.

    5. Persimmons*

      I agree with NSNR about looking into mixes. My neighbor has five pit bulls and they are on his homeowner’s insurance as terrier mixes. (I know because he smirks and brags about it.) They are, in fact, part American Staffordshire Terrier and part…other stuff. So he thinks that he’s “getting away with” something when really all he did was be scientifically accurate and avoid hot-button terminology.

    6. TiffIf*

      The only two companies I can find for a traditional house in a city are State Farm and Farmers, both of whom seem to be ungodly expensive for the same level of coverage.

      Isn’t Foremost a subsidiary of Farmers? Weird that the prices would be so different.

    7. HeatherB*

      We have a big German Shepherd and have had Geico for about 10 years. I think it’s pretty reasonable and to be honest it’s harder finding an apartment in NYC that takes big dogs than it was getting insurance. We also had Geico when we lived in a traditional house. You could also look at Travelers.

  53. Handy Nickname*

    Can we have the making friends chat again?

    Background: I’m in my early 20s, living alone for the first time (single and no roommates) and <30 minutes from my family (parents/siblings). I’ve lived in the same smallish city (<100k) my whole life, and most of my friends were people I met in middle school-high school. I still go to the same small church where I grew up and where most of my friends came from, and my first post-high school job is turning into a longer-term career with a few promotions.

    I guess my problem is partly people all moving away, making church lonelier, and in-town group gatherings less frequent and geared towards the 16-20 year olds still in town. The other part is that I’ve changed a lot over the last five years so that the people I care about the most and the type of things I love doing don’t match up very well. I come from a pretty conservative background, which isn’t all bad, except that some of my interests have changed, like I’ve started drinking sometimes and I enjoy concerts and different kinds of music than I used to/most of my crew still does. But I honestly don’t know how to make friends that share those new interests, because I’ve never had friends that did those kinds of things and I feel like I don’t know the etiquette.

    Would anyone be able to share some ideas for adding new friends as your interests change?

    1. The Ginger Ginger*

      I just signed up for a 5 week drawing class. I’m excited about the class, but sub-motivation is maybe meeting some people to be friendly with. If you have the bandwidth and resources to do it, maybe check out some local groups for hobbies or activities you enjoy. Good luck to both of us!

    2. Nobody Special*

      Being a church lady myself I’d suggest visiting other churches (just occasionally So as not to upset anyone) or maybe getting involved in events involving multiple churches. (Organizing crop walks, educational events, etc) The kinds of people you’d meet would vary but you’d still have much in common. ( for those who don’t do church… there is really quite a variety across the political and social spectrum)

    3. Waiting for the Sun*

      I’m sadly late to this post. I echo what others said about visiting different churches, and/or volunteer and community groups. I really feel you on having different musical tastes than your friends – at your age, I was totally alone in my classic-rock fandom; magazines were my friends! Can you follow bands or genres you like on Facebook and see other fans in your area? In my experience, it’s easier to find new people who share your interests than to try to get old friends to see the light .
      Wishing much luck to you!

      1. Marion Ravenwood*

        On the music note, I know I quack on about Meetup a lot, but I first got into that trying to find people in my city who listen to the genre of music I like (which is still not massively popular in the UK) and then branched out into other interests. It might mean you have to travel, but I’d definitely consider that as a way to meet new people.

  54. The Original K.*

    Anyone have any advice for getting un-stuck? I’ve felt very stagnant and unhappy lately and I can’t figure out how to move forward. I’ve begun to realize how lonely I am (most of my close friends don’t live in my city), and I’m not sure how to combat it. Additionally, I wonder if a hard reset (an out-of-city move, for example) is in order. How do y’all cope when you feel like you’re standing still?

    1. Kit*

      There’s an app for this! It’s called Unstuck and it has helped me clarify my thinking and work out what is holding me back. I really recommend it.

    2. The Ginger Ginger*

      I totally have this feeling now too. I’m trying a 5 week drawing class. Art is something I love, but haven’t done formally in a really long time, and I’m hoping to also meet some friendly people at the same time. So maybe picking up a hobby or class or something that is just for you, something you enjoy, and will get you out of the house occasionally will at least give you a bit of a refresh? At least that’s what I’m hoping for myself :)

      Good luck!

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Change some things that you are doing. This could be your route to work, where you exercise, how you spend your nights and weekends. Mix stuff up so you are moving around in different patterns.
      I’d suggest checking out the library to see if any activities interest you there. This would put you with an instant group of people who share your interest.

    4. Anagram*

      A move does help for a period of time, but there is a good chance you’ll get stuck again when you reestablish your routines.

    5. Stellaaaaa*

      I recently decided to enroll in online courses and get my accounting degree. My English degree has certainly helped me land decent starter jobs, but I haven’t been able to build a career trajectory that’s pointing upward. I’m in a terrible job and surrounded by mostly terrible people, and I can’t leave because the money’s better than I’ll get elsewhere. I used to think I wasn’t particularly ambitious, but now I think I am.

      Is there anything you can do to force a career change?

  55. London Calling*

    Stolen from another site that stole it from Twitter. What five items would be put in a salt circle to summon you? not items you like, it is items which conjure the essence of who you are.

    A mug of strong Yorkshire tea
    Dry white wine
    My pen and notebook
    Any book I’ve read
    Chanel No 5

    1. anon24*

      Iced tea
      A fuzzy blanket made from soft yarn
      A kitten
      A Kindle loaded with Stephen King’s books
      Hiking boots

    5. LCL*

      A bottle of 10 year old bird dog whiskey.
      Chocolate/caramel candies.
      A dirt bike.
      A dog, mine or any other.
      Being honest now, a pile of shoes and boots.

    6. Tessa Karlov*

      Mine would have a chai latte, a stack of books, chocolate, tequila, and a calculator with a good display.

    7. Ali G*

      A strong, spicy red zin
      A puppy
      A horse
      A cast iron skillet
      Pizza from the joint behind my childhood home

    9. Claire (Scotland)*

      A glass bottle of Coke
      A copy of Good Omens
      A cat
      An Urban Decay eyeshadow palette
      A Moleskine notebook and pen

    10. char*

      A loud shirt
      Canned tuna
      Brass jumprings
      A glitched Game Boy game
      The wind over the lake on a stormy day (bottled)

    11. Canadian Natasha*

      Library card
      A really bad pun written on a piece of paper
      A latte or cappuccino from independent coffee shop
      A thunderstorm
      Bacon

    12. PetticoatsandPincushions*

      Aran sweater
      Hot chocolate with peppermint schnapps
      Anne of Green Gables (any of the original trilogy really)
      A dog (mine is preferable but really anything)
      An apple tree in late September

    13. The New Wanderer*

      Coffee
      Joggers
      My iPad
      NYT Sunday crossword puzzle
      My stuffed fox from childhood, who was a mad scientist

    14. Lora*

      A handmade patchwork quilt
      A CO2 incubator
      Good quality hair clips
      A meal consisting of extra spicy nachos, goat cheese queso blanco and a margarita made with Corzo tequila
      3″ navy blue stiletto heels

    15. Lcsa99*

      A pile of books
      A bottle of dry red wine
      Dark chocolate sea salt caramels
      A soft blanket
      A sleepy kitty

      I love this question btw.

    16. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      Running shoes
      A stack of old LP records
      Writing notebook with a pen inside
      Donuts
      A car magazine (because I’m fascinated by cars, and I’m guessing a whole car wouldn’t fit in a salt circle)

    18. Undine*

      My glasses
      A sketchbook and uniball vision pen — drawing or writing, that’s what I use.
      Something natural that I would pick up and put in my pocket, like a beautiful leaf or an interesting rock.
      My daypack
      A watercolor of a horse (painted by me).

      Interesting no one mentions their phone. I could be summoned without my phone, but I think a lot of people would have trouble leaving it behind…

      1. Lcsa99*

        That is an interesting observation. I think for me, while I would have a hard time coping without it, I don’t think it really defines me.

    19. Anna*

      A cup of strong tea with milk
      pyjamas
      sound of the ocean waves
      hymn book from my denomination
      one single hair from each of my children

      Love this!

    20. NeverNicky*

      Yorkshire tea here too (you can take a girl out of Yorkshire but she’ll always have her tea)
      Red lipstick
      An encyclopaedia or dictionary
      Yarn and needles
      Good chocolate

      1. Anna*

        I just googled Yorkshire tea as I am always on the lookout for good strong tea and now two of you have mentioned it

    21. Confused Publisher*

      A tottering stack of books.
      Earl Grey tea.
      A music player loaded with folk music from around the world.
      A notebook and pen.
      Dark chocolate.

    22. Square Root Of Minus One*

      An alethiometer from “His Dark Materials” by Philip Pullman
      Any picture of the garden of the house I grew up in
      A cat
      A pen (probably made from wood)
      “The Periodic System” by Primo Levi

    23. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      – A pile of clean, folded laundry that won’t fit in the closet
      – A “fancy” notebook that has been saved for something special and never used
      – A pair of jeans
      – A prehistoric stone tool, preferably a Clovis point
      – Nice cheese or a bottle of decent stout

  56. catsaway*

    Any tips/ideas for how to deal when everything major in life seems to range from stressful to neutral, and nothing seems easy (although the following is mostly a rant)?
    In the span of 3 months I defended my PhD, got married, moved half way across the country and started a new job (post-doc). I’ve done a lot of the major life events in a short period of time. So now I’m in a new city, with a new job and a new husband and I feel overwhelmed by everything.
    I don’t have any friends – I’ve never been good at making friends and all my friends were people in my old lab/department that’s halfway across the country, who I’ll probably never see again, unless we end up at the same conference or they come to current city for some reason.
    The new job is stressful, because everything is new, and because it’s a post-doc it’s by nature temporary, so I know I’ll be looking for a new job, maybe in a new state, within the next 2-3 years.
    I got married. I posted about wedding stress back in April. I’m not into weddings and I don’t get over attached to big events/days so I wasn’t expecting much but all I feel looking back is at most “It was fine”. My husband got the sickest he’s ever been the day of – he could barely stand – so he took a cab home early and I slept on the couch that night. We celebrated afterwords by packing. I got pictures back and they’re ok. Since my husband was so sick we couldn’t take many pictures and like 15% of them are food and I’m annoyed that I didn’t get any nice pictures of just me – I have some portraits but for some reason the photographer included a lot of background such that most of the picture is background and not me. It’s not like I was in front of a really pretty area or anything – you can see a warehouse in the back – and the portraits of just my husband are focused on him so I don’t know why I was not front and center in my pictures. It also makes me sad that I’ll probably never see half the people in my wedding pictures ever again, since again they’re mostly grad school friends who live a 30 hour drive away now.
    Money is tight. My husband is starting his own business and has some very part time work that is just covering his business expenses. (He stayed in medium sized college town for me where there weren’t a lot of job opportunities for hm so this is ok). A post-doc salary doesn’t stretch far when divided between two people. We’re fine on day to day expenses, and we have no debt and healthy savings accounts but not a lot for extras. In that vein, my sister is getting married next summer and I’m in the wedding party. I know I’m going to end up spending more money on my sisters wedding than I did on my own and that money is a sizeable portion of my vacation savings account. I’ll spend all this money on her wedding, including buying a bridesmaid dress I will never wear again and where the prices start at more than what my own wedding dress cost, such that my husband and I have no money for a real vacation or even a weekend away. We didn’t take a honeymoon, or any sort of ‘minimoon’ we just moved (which cost more than $2000, even doing most of the work ourselves and after I got a pretty decent moving reimbursement).
    Finally, a parent has cancer. This may feel like burying the lead here but there’s also literally nothing I can change about that fact. The cancer is minor for cancer – there was surgery and there will only be radiation, no chemo. But given family history I also know that I’ll probably end up getting this cancer, and there’s nothing I can do about it, I just have to hope that in 30 years there are better treatment options.
    I know this was long and mostly a rant, I just needed to vent to someone other than my husband. I’m also open to hearing any making friends as an adult in a new city that people may have.

    1. Ender*

      Internet hugs and sympathy from me. I’m glad the Weddig went ok.

      I think your sister should pay for your dress. I’ve never heard of bridesmaids being expected to pay for their own dresses.

      You made friends in your old lab and you probably will in your new lab too. Do you have other post docs working with you?

      1. catsaway*

        Bridesmaids paying for their own dresses is the generally accepted thing in the US. I don’t know 100% for sure what she’s going to choose, but from what shes told me about the website she wants to use, the type (floor length) and the color I can see what the options are.
        I’m sure I’ll make friends here, it is just different from starting grad school where you have a some sort of cohort, usually, and you’re taking classes with people. There are other post-docs in the lab so I’m sure I’ll get to know people. Since I started in the summer and there haven’t been any sort of group meetings I actually haven’t seen everyone in the lab in one spot, but those are starting soon so it should get easier to meet people.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Your post has a feel of hopelessness or drowning to it. I can see why.
      You have so many new things going on and not only is it a lot of work but it’s also not giving you guys the rewarding feeling we all need from hard work.

      You kind of remind me of me when I got married and moved, etc. It’s a lot of fn work and I was too tired to feel much joy about it. That did not stop m as, I wanted to be married and move to a bigger place. I dunno I guess I thought it would be more fun that it was?

      This lead me to thinking about life patterns. You know sh!t just happens, unprovoked. It’s naturally occurring. We have to deliberately build pleasant things into our day and into our lives. Maybe there is more here and I am missing something but I think I would start to tackle this by asking myself, how do I build pleasant things into each day, or build something rewarding into each day even if its minor. It could be that deliberately taking a few minutes to just enjoy how far you have come with all your goals could be a supportive activity right now. With all the busyness, it’s easy to forget how much progress has been made.

      1. catsaway*

        Thanks for the kind words, and suggestions. I do try to make time for myself and enjoy ‘the little things,’ so to speak, but then I start to think about the big picture again and freak out a little.
        And while I know where we are now is much better for both of our careers, along with having a good cost of living and pretty good cultural and recreation activities, adjusting to living in a real city again after living in medium sized college town in a famously beautiful state has been difficult.

    3. Owler*

      Now that school is back in session, maybe start attending talks or events in College Town? I grew up in a medium college town, and I remember being able to see the symphony or a free evening lecture. If you’re active but not sporty, a bowling/pool/ultimate/quidditch team at the “hold my beer while I take part” level might be interesting. Or a book club at a local library. Sometimes student groups need advisors; maybe a grad level group would be more age appropriate? Also, many of the college town I’ve been in lately have a thriving farm market with crafts or buskers. Make a day of a market visit (note the end of season).

    4. Fiddler*

      I’m so sorry about your parent. That’s super tough. Be kind to yourself…

      Friends from your lab, grad school, folks at the wedding: you will certainly see at least some of them in person again. And, Facebook! Texting. Commit to spending 30 minutes s week to writing postcards (yeah! Snail mail!) to friends. Make a list of everyone you want to keep in touch with. Start at the top and contact one or two each week.

      I’ve been in touch via Facebook with a friend from high school (we were friends 40years ago!). Lost track for decades. We’ve been in touch now for about seven or eight years. I think we may be able to get together in person in a year or two.

    5. ..Kat..*

      Well, you have just had 4 of life’s biggest stresses in a short time – marriage, major move, graduation, and new job. No suggestions,just be kind to yourself.

      For wedding pictures just of you, do any of the ones you have look like a good candidate for enlarging and cropping out the background?

      For your sister’s wedding, can you tell her your budget limit and that you need to back out of being a bridesmaid if she wants her bridesmaids to spend more? But don’t just tell her your limit. If you say $1000 is your limit, she might think that is just for your outfit. Say, “$1000 is my limit. Minus airfare, hotel, gift, that leaves $100 for the entire bridesmaid outfit.”

      1. catsaway*

        I could try that with a couple of the photos, they should be good enough quality for some enlarging. I’m a little annoyed with the pictures of just me, so I was ignoring other solutions.
        I will have to tell my sister a budget. An issue is that she’s my only sibling and our family tree is rather… depauperate so I feel I should do what she wants because it’s not like we have a lot of other family. Besides the money, the real difficult part for me is that I dislike most/all parts that women have/play in a ‘typical’ American wedding so it’s already feeling like I’m going to spend a lot of money to do my sister a favor.

        1. Book Lover*

          It sounds like you paid the photographer, it wasn’t a friend doing a favor? They should have very high quality digital copies and be able to do the work for you. They may also have other pictures they didn’t provide for you – sometimes they will pick and choose the pictures they give you.

        2. Ainomiaka*

          For sure that’s a lot of adjustments. I do agree that it won’t feel so overwhelming as time goes on and it isn’t a change, but that would overwhelm lots of people. Give yourself as much slack as you can.

          I can’t speak to everyone, but with my bridal party when I got married I definitely wanted to make the favor not bust anyone’s budget. I don’t know how much you have shared about finances with her, but I recommend going beyond “I can afford x and no more.” I mean, for sure say that, but a more full conversation might mean she can work with you to make it less financially difficult. I certainly did my best for my brother ( I think we got a free suit rental based on volume and had him use it).
          This is assuming good intentions, but I don’t remember you saying that wasn’t true? It just sounds like she’s more into the idea of a wedding than you were?

          1. catsaway*

            Yes, I definitely need to talk to her when I see her next. There are no bad intentions, she’s just a very different person, and moves in a very different circle than I do. And, yes, she’s more into the idea of a wedding than I am – I understand wanting to host a party with friends and family but I only didn’t go to the courthouse to make other people happy, because it was anything I wanted.

    6. Fellow postdoc*

      Wow, you are going through a lot! That sounds super stressful, I totally understand the need to vent. For what it’s worth, it sounds like you’re doing a great job – you successfully defended your PhD & got a postdoc job (really not easy), while facing major changes in your family/social sphere. I hope you’ll get some great support here but also in case you’re on social media and interested in some other sources of support, particularly for a postdoc, #ECRchat on Twitter and the Facebook group ‘women in academia support network’ have been incredibly supportive for me.

      1. catsaway*

        Thanks – I haven’t heard of either the twitter hastag or the FB group. That’s another thing, the only other women in the lab are the PI and lab tech. I made a shift, area of study-wise, for my post-doc, to one that I think is better for my career, but has even fewer women overall. The fact that I’m in a sort of new area of research is also contributing to my stress, I’m sure.

    7. Aardvark*

      You deserve a break. Say, a year? That means you get to let things that are less important (so probably not work and husband) slide for a while. I don’t know what that looks like for you, and it’s probably hard on one salary while both of you are adjusting to new jobs. Maybe it means you and your husband do [annoying chore] half as often, or that you give yourself a year where you don’t worry about making friends and watch a lot of Netflix, or that you take yourself out for coffee or a sandwich or a $1 candy bar once a week. Maybe it means that you attend your sister’s wedding but aren’t in the wedding party?
      Giving yourself a time limit might help you feel like enjoying the little things like Not So Newreader suggested is part of the larger plan.
      Also, is there low cost therapy available through the university to postdocs? Not because anything is wrong *with you*, but because a sympathetic, neutral ear and some time to just feel stuff might help. Half that much change would be hard for anyone.
      How is your husband feeling? Is he also feeling overwhelmed? If so, maybe you have an ally, and if not, maybe it’s his “turn” to figuratively carry you for a while and pick up slack while you adjust. Is there something you can do as a couple to meet couple friends? Then only half the emotional labor of maintaining connections is on you.
      This sounds like a rough time, and I hope things settle down soon!

      1. catsaway*

        Thanks. I do have access to an EAP through work (postdocs are employees enough to have to pay for faculty/staff insurance rates and parking but we’re trainees for the purpose of not-qualifying for retirement benefits…) so that might be worth checking out.

    8. Ktelzbeth*

      That is a lot of stuff all at once. If you’re worn out, you may need a break before being ready to work on a new social life. That said, I had to move a lot during my training and I met new people in three ways each time I moved. I looked up the local church of my denomination (shopping for the most comfortable if there were several choices), the local English country dance group (had to settle for Irish in my current city), and the local board games group. In my current city, where I have my actual post-training job, I also got involved with a triathlon training group at the gym because one day I thought, “That sounds like fund. Crazy, but fun.”

    9. Stellaaaaa*

      As for friendship, I’ve had okay luck with meetups. I found a nice book club that meets once a month. I also found a general 30-something women’s group. The general group is kinda iffy tbh. I very quickly started to feel that I was spending a lot of money on expensive dinners with people who needed a lot of help being walked through basic social situations, and that’s just not a role I’m willing to play during my free time at a very expensive dinner. I exchanged numbers with the women I got along with and now we do things outside of “official” group meetings.

      Keep in mind that as we get older, it’s normal to only see your closest friends 5 or 10 times a year. I have good friends I see once a year at our favorite university alumni event. You’ve spent more of your adult life in school than other people tend to, but what you’re experiencing is normal. It’s hard for everyone to make friends once you’re no longer in an environment that basically forces friends upon you.

  57. Bibliovore*

    A basic whine. It is a fabulous day where I live. I am on the backyard porch. My backyard neighbor has been using power tools- High pitched whine and machine noises for the past hour. When he isn’t doing that he is running the leaf blower. I know there is nothing I can do but I am sad that I can’t have a peaceful day on the porch.

    1. Minta*

      I totally feel ya. I swear, it’s constantly LeafBlowerFest 2018 every time I leave my apartment, and I live in an urban setting! Indoors isn’t any better, with the 3 weeks straight of 90+ temps and 80%+ humidity, the air conditioning runs incessantly. The sound drives me nuts. I have misophonia, and it’s peaking right now for some reason. Maybe I need a trip to the country or the local sensory-deprivation wellness center.

      1. catsaway*

        I feel you on the air conditioner – I’m glad I have it since where I’m living in very humid and open windows at night tend to lead to small bugs getting in but wow, it is loud. When I’m home alone I keep the AC off for much longer than my husband would tolerate because the noise annoys me so much (and makes watching TV difficult, lol)

        1. Minta*

          I feel bad complaining in the face of the wonder of air conditioning. I grew up in a very humid locale without it, but I do think it’s overused these days–especially in commercial spaces. My office lobby feels like a meat locker most days. And ditto on the difference in heat/humidity (and, therefor, sound) tolerance in the household. Windows would be open a lot more/longer if I lived alone or had the apartment to myself.

    2. Dainty Lady*

      Oh dear, so sorry! When I lived in a place where lush lawns were a thing, I used to wish that there was a county ordinance that Sundays were engine-free days!

      I felt bad this morning because it was my turn to be the annoying neighbor at 7:30 a.m. We had to have our pool drained and cleaned, and it turns out that power washers are *noisy*. Sorry neighbors… /cringe.

      1. Bibliovore*

        Turns out the whole neighborhood is dealing with a deluge of acorns. Mr. Bibliovore just rakes them.

        Sounds of silence finally at 2:00.

      2. Forking great username*

        Sunday is my husband’s only day off work, so a policy like that would be a disaster for us!

    3. Free Meerkats*

      I tend to use the days when the neighbor is doing that as a reason to do the same myself. When she is out mowing, I get my mower out. But mine is battery powered abs much quieter. And neither of us use blowers.

    4. Chaordic One*

      The noise is bad, but the dust raised by the leaf blowers really bugs me. It activates my hay fever and I don’t like having to dust things. I have to close the windows to my house and make sure that the windows in my car are all rolled up.

    5. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      My lovely neighbors usually choose nice Sunday afternoons to blast music out of their place into the garden where they may or may not be working. Thanks to some awesome thin walls, we can’t escape from it and can’t enjoy the garden. I can be forgiving for a half hour or 45 minutes (usually how long it takes them to clean up the kitchen/do chores which is what it usually is) but this was beyond that and I just find it massively inconsiderate. The only house in the row too that do it, gee guys, I dunno, get a goddamn clue?

  58. Anon in WI*

    Looking for physical help suggestions.

    Abut 10 days ago a tornado hopscotched through WI in parts of Sheboygan county. We and our dogs and house are ok. We have multiple trees uprooted and hanging over and toward our house and propane tank. With over saturated soils and autumn winds , it’s a matter of time before they come down.

    We’ve called and left messages with all tree services (whom I’m sure are overburdened). We haven’t even gotten a callback yet, although we’ve periodically checked back with them.

    Any ideas on who might be able to help with dangerous trees? We are at retirement age, and while we and our friends can cut down “simple” trees, like the ones over our driveway and in the yard, we are not equipped or able to take down trees hanging over structures.

    We have been working like dogs for the past 10ish days to clear out the trees we can (while attempting to work our day jobs). Any specific ideas on organizations who can help? Phone numbers or specific websites would help.

    Thank you. I probably won’t have a chance to check back in till later, but I appreciate any help.

    1. Triple Anon*

      I would post a “free wood” ad somewhere – Freecycle, Craigslist, the local paper, whatever would be the most effective. Include the species, the quantity, and what would be required to claim the wood (“must have truck and chainsaw, must cut it and haul it away”). Your luck may vary since there are a lot of people in the same situation, but I’m sure there are people looking for firewood or wood for projects.

      Another option would be to contact any group that’s helping with disaster relief, tell them you have fallen trees that are creating hazzards, and ask who to contact for help with that.

    2. acmx*

      Ideas:
      Are any near power lines? Around here the electric company will take care of those.

      Ask your insurance company? They may have providers they work with and may be able to bump you up the list.

      Call removal companies further out. They may come out to you.

      Call your city/county and ask what they recommend.

    3. Red Sky*

      I’ve heard sometimes homeowners insurance companies can help with this in order to prevent a claim. You might try calling your insurance agent (even tho their probably super busy right now) and explaining the situation.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      I’d check with local churches. Sometimes they have volunteer crews that will come help. If a church says no, ask if they know of anyone who is volunteering help.
      I would also use that part about the propane tank to help increase the likelihood of someone coming sooner. Perhaps your propane company has someone they work with?
      If you have a neighbor close by who also needs help perhaps you can team up and look for help together.

      I hope this situation improves very soon for you. Let us know how you are doing.

    5. amanda_cake*

      I remember a hurricane that was terrible and we had tree removal people from all over banging on our doors looking for work.

      I would ask people to see if they know anyone. Around here there are plenty of folks with chainsaws who would love to cut it down for you, but I personally would look for someone licensed and insured.

    6. Sam Foster*

      Is there any way they can be braced or otherwise supported? I’m thinking a couple of long, stout boards placed in an ‘x’ and driven in to the ground.

      1. Anon in WI*

        I wish it was so easy. We have about 3 dozen trees down or part way down and hung up in other trees. We have two 300 year old oaks partially down and hung up in a dozen or so trees….as well as mature hickory, maple and cherry.

        It’s mostly “widow makers” of mature hardwoods. But thank you for the suggestion. That may work with the bent saplings near the house.

    7. Anon in WI*

      Thanks everyone. I’ll give it all a try. It’s just so weird– if you have a huge environmental event (a flood, huricane, tornado) and you’re in the midst of it, there’s a lot of resources made available. Even if you may not qualify, the info is out there. When you’ve been “winged” by it as suffer similar damage……crickets.

      Thanks again for the suggestions, I’ll be starting tomorrow morning. Thank you so much. It feels like my world is caving in, and I keep reminding myself that we’really ok, but the damages…..

      Thank you.

    8. Sconnie*

      Can your homeowners insurance get someone out to your place? Especially since there’s going to be a bigger claim if the house is damaged?

      Call landscape companies, if they don’t cut trees they will know someone who will, so ask for a name/number. Or maybe someone who advertises as a handyman?

      Also, check the bulletin boards at the local family restaurants and grocery store entrances. People will post their business cards, especially smaller companies with 1 or 2 people who don’t have ads or websites. (Take a picture with your phone)

      Good luck finding someone soon!

    9. Anon for this*

      Where did this happen! *checks news*. My whole family is in Sheboygan County and absolutely no one has said a thing on either email or social media.

      Everyone below has posted some great ideas. Maybe give Buechler Construction in Town of Belgium a call – they do landscaping services and if they dont do trees they may know someone who does. Also it looks like the Sheboygan County Division of Public Health has set up some volunteer places for folks willing to help clean up debris and fallen trees – perhaps give them a call too as they may have services set up or other sources.

      I really feel for you – my parents are now retired and I can’t imagine them trying to deal with a storm mess, especially being on septic system and in a remote area (even with a tight-knit neighborhood around them). Thanks for bringing up the comment about not knowing what to do in a natural disaster – I think I will suggest to them to get some numbers/sources together just in case the worst should ever happen. Some great ideas in this thread.

  59. Detective Amy Santiago*

    May have just started some family drama and I don’t even care.

    I suggested we put an end to our Christmas tradition because it seems to be more of a hassle than its worth for everyone and all of the responses are about how “family is everything”. None of these motherfuckers have done shit for my mom the past couple of months while she’s been working full time and nursing her husband back to health after a hip replacement (and he’s having his second one this coming week).

    Done being nice.

    2. Serendipity*

      I totally get your being done with them. I’m the caretaker for my grandmother and my family, to be frank, doesn’t do anything for her. Don’t call her to talk, don’t come to visit or invite her to do so(they live in town), don’t offer to help with anything(3 sections of our fence blew down in a recent storm). They only ever contact her, me, or my mother(who travels for work) when they want something from us.

      I’ve requested they come see her, or even just call her because she’s depressed and lonely and no one should have only ONE person as their social outlet. Nothing. So, I’ve decided to do nothing for them, too.

      I’m infamous in my family for making fantastic desserts to the point that every family dinner I am assumed dessert-maker. I make my grandmother her favorite diabetic desserts all the time. I haven’t made an especially useless aunt’s favorite cake in 2 years :)

      1. Detective Amy Santiago*

        I called them out and got attacked for it, so, yeah, that’s what I’m dealing with now. Sorry if you can’t handle having your hypocrisy pointed out.

        Bet that when your grandma passes, they will all be RIGHT THERE for the will reading though.

    3. Aphrodite*

      Why don’t you and your Mom and her husband think about what would make the three of you happy for the Christmas season. Once you have made your decisions–which should be free of anyone else’s wishes, desires, traditions, feelings–tell others without apology. Just present it as a fait act accompli and if they want to whine let then. Just leave them to it. Your holidays should be the way you want them.

      I have already announced my own intentions to host my own holidays the way I want them. I am older and haven’t had that yet because there has been a lot of past family pressure to go to my parents’ home because “Mom just wants to see her children.” Well, that ends this year and in all future years. I can’t tell you how excited I am. I have been browsing online stores for autumn and Christmas ideas, stories and decorations. (I haven’t bought much and don’t intend to as I have a few things I love but reading all of it and imagining my own holidays has been such fun!)

      Someone once wrote, “When the tradition becomes a burden, it’s time to change the tradition.” Do it. Make your own now and the hell with the others.

      1. Detective Amy Santiago*

        Well, this is for extended family (mom’s sibs and their families). It’s something we’ve been doing my entire life (I’m 41). It started as Christmas Eve at my gram’s house and then became the 4 sisters taking turns hosting Christmas Eve at their houses and then became the cousins hosting (and sometimes renting a space because of how our family has grown) and this year was supposed to be our year and our family has way too much on our plates, so I said that we were unfortunately not in a position to host this year and suggested that perhaps it was time to end the tradition because it seems to have become more of a burden than anything and half the time people either don’t show up or they come late/leave early because of other obligations.

        You’d think I suggested slaughtering puppies or something.

        1. Aphrodite*

          I’m not surprised at the reaction. You just have to ignore it. You have said you won’t host. Their reactions are what they are; you can’t do anything about their feelings so feel free to ignore the people. They can stew in their own juices.

          The three of you should now focus on your own choices and happiness. You really are free here to create your own. Enjoy it to the max!

        2. Not So NewReader*

          It seems to be the circle of life, that when the parents age and holidays are no longer at their homes the sibs and other fam wander off. They start having holidays without each other.
          Additionally, there is nothing like care taking to fracture a family. Permanently. Emotions run high and one or two people end up doing all the work. I had an aunt who used to talk about this. Many times she noted, “If you (aging parent) get one (adult) kid who shows up on a regular basis you have done well.”

          I saw this up close and personal with my husband. It was not family who came to help me with him.
          Which leads me to we don’t get to chose/delegate who should help. They either do or they don’t. It’s really important to not let this blind us with anger so that we miss the outsiders who DO offer help.
          Currently my updated version of my aunt’s saying is, “Family are not the ones who bail us when we most need bailing.”
          I have it burned in my memory this image of my husband sitting with 8 broken vertebra waiting for his family member to show up. He waited three hours, sitting in a chair. Family member never showed. I hid my tears from my husband.

          I was not direct like you show here. I just quietly backed away and kept backing away. I figured it this way, if I talk about a problem that could telegraph that I want to resolve it. I do have a resolution and that is to back away. So I decided not to talk about it.

          These things shape our personalities and shape our lives. I have a friend who is going blind. I take her places with me because it makes it easier for her to have someone there. She thinks it’s a big deal. I think that is what we are supposed to do, help each other. So to me it’s no big deal. She helps me with other stuff.

          I am very sorry you are going through this crap.

          1. Detective Amy Santiago*

            Thank you for this <3

            I'm of the same mind as you and do what I can to help others. One of the biggest frustrations I deal with in life is not being able to fix things for people.

            Also, I would very much like to punch your husband's family member that never showed up. Let me guess – they cried buckets at his funeral/memorial, right?

            1. Not So NewReader*

              No, it was just another day for them. This story grows worse and worse. I can’t really explain here. But it’s to the point my husband’s friends are disgusted, also.

              It took me a while to distance myself from all the goings-on. I had to deliberately decide (over and over again) to put the family member story on the back burner and decide that there was more to life. I could see the issue would tear up my insides over the long term because the story has many chapters, so I could see my choices were, “stand up to the dense people or have a life”. I opted for having a life.

              You know when we focus on the bunch of turkeys that is all we have, a bunch of turkeys. Our focus on the turkeys blocks the good people from getting into our lives and prevents those good people from making an actual difference in our lives. If I had learned this earlier in life, I would have had a different life.

              I hope you chuckle. Now, when I talk to people I have two groups of people: Those who get it and those who don’t. It takes me about less than 3 minutes to decide which group a person belongs to. I only use this gauge when I am dealing with a problem and need actual help. I don’t use the gauge on everyone. It’s actually kind of cool being able to notice who is on the ball. And it’s why I hang out here. There’s a verrry large group of on the ball people.

  60. Lily Evans*

    Does anyone on here have experience with visiting Christmas markets in Munich or Salzburg? I just booked a trip for December and I’m super excited. I’ll be spending close to a week in Munich and a weekend in Salzburg (since it was much pricier) and I’d love to hear anyone’s suggestions or stories!

    1. CAA*

      I’ll be in Salzburg for a few days at the end of Sept. Obviously no Christmas markets then, but if you start a thread on Oct 6, I’ll be glad to share anything I learn about the town or getting around or food or whatever.

      1. CAA*

        Oh, I’m assuming you mean Salzburg, Austria. I think there’s a smaller town by that name in Germany too.

        1. Lily Evans*

          I do mean Salzburg Austria. I hope you have a great trip, I’d definitely like to hear about it when you’re back!

    2. Aphrodite*

      I am so envious! I like reading about the Christmas markets around the world and wow, you are going to have a blast.

      1. Lily Evans*

        I’m really excited about it. I’ve always been really into Christmas so when I found out how big Christmas markets are in Europe I knew I had to go!

        1. Chocolate Teapot*

          Christmas markets are a specialist subject of mine and Salzburg is one of my favourites along with Dresden and Leipzig. (Nothing like a bit of Weihnachtsoratorium with your Gluhwein)

          There are regular train services every hour between Munich and Salzburg, varying in time and price. The important thing to be aware of is that Salzburg Hbf is some distance from the the Altstadt and all the interesting stuff. Fortunately, there are very frequent buses from in front of the station which stop in the centre and a day pass is about 4 euros.

          The biggest Christmas market is on Domplatz and Residenzplatz, with a few stalls on Mirabellplatz. (Schloss Mirabell has the gardens which feature in The Sound of Music) I can also recommend the 2 Mozart houses, Linzergasse which has the cemetery where Mozart’s widow and father are buried, and taking the rack and pinion up to the fortress, which has an amazing view.

  61. Junior Dev*

    Mental health thread! How are you doing? What are you struggling with? What are you proud of?

    It’s been an intense week. I learned about some family drama that brought up memories of being mistreated as a child, and then I heard my neighbors fighting and it sounded like things were getting physical, so I called the police and spent the rest of the day obsessing over whether I had done the right thing and stuck in my own memories of domestic violence.

    On the plus side: there’s a festival this weekend, I went to part of it last night and successfully left when I was feeling overstimulated. I then had to ride the bus home which was kind of awful because therr were a bunch of loud children, but I turned on a podcast and worked on my knitting, which helped.

    How are you doing?

    1. The Ginger Ginger*

      I’m at the point where I know I should really be seeing a therapist, possibly one with the proper credentials to oversee and prescribe medication. But I am just so overwhelmed and paralyzed at the thought of having to do all the research on that, and coordinate with my insurance, and figure out the scheduling that I just haven’t worked myself up enough to get started (plus my issues contribute to that demotivated and paralyzed state of mind so that doesn’t help). Sigh.

      1. Krista*

        Ginger Ginger, do you have a friend or trusted family member who could help you get started and do some of the research for you? You also might consider talking to your primary care physician to discuss getting on an antidepressant since you sound deeply depressed. This might be the easiest, first step for you.

        I had been in therapy for five years and was resistant to trying medication, but I’m glad I finally did. I wasn’t functioning well. My doctor gave me a couple of options, and I had gone on line prior to my appointment and read forums concerning people’s experiences with various antidepressants. I wanted to know the pros and cons of the medication from people prescribed that medication (and not just from reading the literature from the pharmaceutical companies or talking to a doctor). Please note that it took six weeks for me to feel the medication was working.

    2. Laika*

      What a nice idea. :) I’m sorry about your intense week – that sounds tough. Family drama is always hard because it’s so immediate and personal, it’s very difficult to be objective about those feelings when they are so vivid. It sounds like you did a great job of handling it, though. Being able to identify boundaries is so important and such a big part of taking care of yourself, so you should be proud!

      For me, two days ago I swapped to a new ADHD medication and I’m feeling a little underwhelmed by it. I actually preferred the stuff I was on before, and after doing some research it looks like my doctor gave me a lower-than-equivalent dosage. So I’m feeling a bit frustrated, since it’s kind of a trek for me to get back to my doctor. Luckily, when she prescribed me this new one, she said I can call in if it’s not working and she would “figure something out” (whatever that means!). But it’s only been two days and I can tell it’s not enough for me. I’m nervous that it’s too early to call up the clinic and tell them – but on the other hand, it’s such a tangible difference for me to be medicated vs. unmedicated that I want to address it asap. I might give it a week longer to see if it gets better, but I know the difference it makes for me that it feels like I’m just relegating myself to a week of productivity and frustration, haha.

    3. Alpha Bravo*

      So I had an experience a couple weeks back that’s been bothering me much more than was warranted. I had traded in my late spouse’s sedan for a used pickup and was waiting at the dealership for them to complete checking it out. Anyway an older man apparently checking on his own vehicle was walking through and struck up a conversation with me. As he walked toward the service desk he commented that I was a good-looking woman, and I laughed awkwardly, mostly relieved the conversation was over. But it wasn’t. He came back. He insisted I try to guess his age. I guessed wrong, he’s 80. He asked my age. I told him (57). “No wonder you’re so good-looking!” Dear God, just stop talking and go away! And then he asked me out. “You’re single, right?” This time I used my words. “No, I’m widowed. I haven’t even considered dating.”

      I know this was just a lonely guy looking for companionship. He was totally tone-deaf and cringe-inducing but not a threat to me in any way. Why does this bother me so much?

      1. Junior Dev*

        He sounds annoying. You don’t have to worry about his feelings or his loneliness. If you weren’t interested, you have every right to be irritated that he kept trying to talk to you.

        He might not have individually acted like a threat but we live in a world where some men get hostile or even violent when turned down, and so it is quite normal to feel on edge due to this.

        1. Alpha Bravo*

          I think it bothers me partly because of how completely unprepared I was. I’d gone through my personal threat assessment and he was definitely not registering as a threat. Still doesn’t. Just a creepy, much-older-than-me guy trying to get a date. (Of note is I am fit, trained in self defense and very rarely physically intimidated by another person.). This bothers me on another level, but I can’t quite put my finger on it.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            Confrontation? If you are surrounded by kind, considerate people then this guy is going to be a stark contrast. Having to actually tell someone they are out of line can be jarring especially when that is not where your brain is at.

            A while back a guy asked me for coffee. I was proud of myself for immediately saying, “I don’t date.” He kept pushing the idea that we should get together. I could see that he was not going to do that friendship thing, he was going to keep hoping. What got me is that he did not stop after hearing the NO word. It kind of ticked me off and was off putting. I talked to my male friend about it and he said, “You used too many words. You need to be abrupt and short. If you use too many words guys read that as interest.” (I don’t consider this as blaming me, I think my friend is trying to help me prevent other occurrences. There’s background context that is too long to explain.)

            I got home and really thought about how lucky I am that no one in my daily life offers to fix me up with their brother/nephew/cousin/friend. I guess I was taking that for granted a bit too much.

            I think one of your ways out of the nagging memory is to line up a couple of ideas what you will say the next time. This also seems to prevent the next time from happening because we have a plan for it. ;)
            I think that the fact that he disrespected your NO is also a bit jarring, following you like that. I have to point out that just because a person is 80 does not mean they aren’t an AH. There is no age limit on AHs.

            It could be that it jarred you simply because it epitomizes everything you do not want in life. You thought you were immune to it by now because of Life!, but someone reminded you that people can still be AHs.

            The story here for both of us has an unsatisfying ending because we both know that these guys did not learn anything and they are out there trying this with someone else. It’s not ours to fix, I guess.

            1. Alpha Bravo*

              I think you hit it, NSNR. I thought I was immune. I live a very quiet life out in the sticks and I keep to myself. Spouse was the social one; I’m a natural hermit. My friends respect my boundaries. I was not prepared and I hate being caught off guard. I love your response and that will be my go-to if ever needed: “I don’t date.” Thank you. I was hoping to get your perspective on this and as always you don’t disappoint.

              1. Not So NewReader*

                Hugs, if you accept internet hugs.

                Sometimes I find that my actual upset it that I did not effectively stand up for myself. Either I did not how or I minimized the issue in the moment and it ate me up later. It’s confusing when there is the added layer of grief/loss.

                For not knowing how I decided to practice crafting some responses.
                For minimizing and not addressing, I decided to never let that Thing go by me again, unaddressed.
                Also I will give myself a scare by saying, “Deal with this now and be done with it OR deal with it for weeks maybe months from now.” This motivates me to step up to the plate.

                Back to grief itself. The grieving process seems to cause many, many things to look differently to us. What once rolled off our backs like water, now bugs us. And what used to bug us, we can now drop an FU without giving it a second thought. Grief does these things, it reframes our thinking, values and priorities. I found the guy story to be a sharp, cutting example. But there are much smaller examples in my daily life of things that now bug me that did not bug me before.

    4. lonely*

      I am having a hard time. I was invited to a friends milestone birthday party and it’s going to be a huge party. And I’m going alone, because I am single and don’t have anyone to take. None of our mutual friends that I’m close to seem to be going, so that’s also a drag. I bought a nice gift of liquor which the friend likes (I don’t drink) but they’ve posted pictures on FB of much more expensive liquor that other people have given them so I feel defeated even as I really tried to do something nice and thoughtful. I think mostly this reminds me of how my 2 coupled friends bailed on my same milestone dinner because it was just after the elections and everyone was down and I got to feel down and alone and abandoned on that day,

      1. Nines*

        I hate that feeling of… betrayal? abandonment? I don’t know exactly what to call it, but I am right there with you. I’m in a better place with my friends than I have been in… ever? But I have new co-workers that I’m *sort of* fitting in with… but its a struggle. I was just telling a friend how last week a co-worker invited us all out to lunch, we all said Yeah! and then… They forgot me! Like at 12:05 I texted, are we going to lunch soon? And got a “oh… sorry….” response. I know they are just co-workers, and I truly believe it was a mistake, not on purpose. But boy did it hurt!
        All this to say… I know the feeling. Not a ton of advice on how to get past it, but just that you are not alone.

        1. lonely*

          Thank you for your response. I’ve had this experience and it’s pretty awful, even if unintentional. I’m sorry this happened.

    5. SparklingStars*

      I’m having a rough time as well. I’ve been going through a lot of stress concerning my terminally ill cat and having to cancel an expensive trip (I did an earlier post on this). Also this week my co-worker’s sister died, which triggered some difficult memories for me (my sister died 16 years ago next month). And today I was supposed to attend an outdoor festival with 2 friends, but today it’s pouring rain and both of my friends called this morning saying they’re sick and wouldn’t be able to come. It just feels like I’ve had the worst luck lately.

      On the bright side, I volunteered at the local food bank this morning, and we packed over 1,200 snack packs for local children to eat on weekends, so that made me feel really good. And next weekend I’m invited to a crafting party at a friend’s house so that’s something to look forward to.

    6. Mimmy*

      Doing better this week. Now, if I can get through this week–which is expected to be a little hectic, then I’ll be happy. lol.

    7. Thursday Next*

      I am doing a lot better this week than the last time I posted in the weekend open thread, about my depression. I was feeling a bit grim then. But two weeks of family time, with no work, camp, or school (My daughter goes to school year round) was nice. And after a long absence, I returned to [the “w” word], which I know we don’t talk about here, but it has done *wonders* for alleviating my depression.

      I feel like a different person, really. I know I have a long way to go, but I’m actually looking forward to things again, and that is vastly different from where I was a month ago.

      I’m sending some good energy out to anyone who would like it.

    8. Gatomon*

      I just realized that the holidays are coming up, and this will be the first holiday without Nparent, who died last winter. I hated them, and in my most secret heart, I’m glad they are dead. Nparent’s golden child(ren) were my cousins, and they went to great lengths to ensure I knew they loved my cousins more than me, so I didn’t cry over them, only the parent I wished I would’ve had.

      I’m realizing that all of Nparents wretched family is probably going to come out of the woodwork* with the holiday season demanding to know how I am and express how sad they are for my loss and projecting their expectations for how I should feel all over me. I’m not looking forward to it in the least. I’d love to tell the world how much of an abusive asshole they really were and that I’m glad they are dead. Heck, I’d paint it on a billboard. But I’m afraid I’d have to move to a deserted island to escape the family drama.

      *No one from their family has talked to me in 6 months except to get the phone number for my surviving parent.

  62. Twisted Knickers*

    So, I’m just about ready to take the plunge into online dating after being widowed six years ago. It’s scary and exciting at the same time, and I’d love any advice or encouragement anyone has to share. Thanks!

    1. Anona*

      How exciting! Good luck. I met my husband on eharmony 8 years ago.

      My main advice is to be open. My husband is not someone I was super excited to date based on his profile and pictures, though no deal breakers. Once we talked on the phone I got more into him, but he really didn’t present well online. I was just being open, and it worked!

      I’m sure it will be a process, but it’s exciting!

      Also, when I started dating I also took the time to refresh my wardrobe- I got some good fitting jeans and outfits, just putting my best foot forward on dates. I had someone (an employee at the store, actually!); provide feedback on my jeans, just to get an outside perspective.

    2. Notapirate*

      Don’t get too attached to anyone you’re talking to through the various apps, people ghost a lot.

      If you like someone you’re talking to ask them out early on. Save some questions/topics of conversation for in person dates. Also, you may build up a mental image of them that is not reality.

      Good luck!

  63. Kitten Advice?*

    What’s all y’alls experience with introducing kittens to cats (especially w/r/t timelines and progress)? I got the sweetest little kitten from my friend’s brother has a farm and I’m at the end of week 2 of integrating her with my 8-year-old female cat. Kitten has her own bedroom upstairs with food/litter/toys aplenty while the Older Cat has the run of the rest of the house. Older Cat is reluctant and a bit suspicious – the first week, she wouldn’t even come upstairs if she heard Kitten meowing. We bungled their first couple interactions by loosing the kitten into the living room where Older Cat was hanging out; the second time, Older Cat hissed, swatted, and then chased Kitten. So we walked it back and for about 10 days now they’ve been separated at all times with a barrier. Now they’re happy eating meals on opposite sides of a baby gate with full line of sight, but Older Cat is still hissing and batting at the bedroom door if Kitten is sticking her paws out. We’re periodically doing room swaps and Older Cat is fine in the Kitten’s room, but gets annoyed when she’s locked in for too long, and Kitten is sooo ready to be permanently free from her confinement.

    We’re taking is really slow because I really want it to work out between them, and I’ve had cats growing up that *didn’t* get along and I know it can be quite stressful. I’d even be happy with a “live and let live” relationship between them. I just don’t know what my next step should be at this point. Should we just keep doing line-of-sight mealtime until Older Cat stops hissing entirely? (Based on the Jackson Galaxy-recommended practice.) Should I graduate back to same-room interactions, maybe with separate play on either end of the room? I suspect at this point – based on the change in her behaviour/body language – Older Cat isn’t feeling insecure or defensive, just bratty. Throughout all this, Kitten is fearless; she doesn’t even skip a beat when she’s hissed at, and just wants to run around and play (with or without Older Cat).

    Maybe I’m overthinking it and just need to keep being patient?! Everything I read online just says to take it slow, but it’s so hard when it’s in my own house and I just want all the kitties to be happy/content/free/friends. :) Thoughts/suggestions/anecdotes all welcome!

    (Cat tax – link in my name!)

    1. cat socks*

      If it’s just hissing, that might not ever go away. I have three cats and my older Tabby Girl still hisses at the other two every now and then. Sometimes Little Black cat will grumble or hiss at Floofy Black Cat for getting too close, but overall they just co-exist and ignore each other.

      It sounds like you’re doing a great job with introductions. I think it seems like you are ready to let Kitten out of the room while you are able to supervise. Can you keep Older Cat engaged with a toy while Kitten roams around? Or try playing with them both together?

      Such pretty kitties!

      1. Kitten Advice*

        Thank you! I’m having a hard time telling if the cats are ready, or if I’m just impatient. We have a pretty big living room so maybe I’ll try some separate play. You might be right about the hissing! Older Cat lived with my parents for about a year a little while back, and she eventually learned to get along with two miniature schnauzers (albeit with, yes, some hissing every once in a while), so it’s possible that’s just her default “I need space!” vocalization.

      2. Persimmons*

        Yup, mine are constantly hissing and swatting years into their cohabitation. My cats are 15, 7, and 2. (I would never have intentionally adopted such an age range, but half-dead strays find me.)

        When the current 15-year-old was young, she constantly hassled her twice-as-old sister, so now she’s getting her comeuppance. I consider this the Circle of Cat Life.

        1. MsChanandlerBong*

          I used to joke that our neighborhood strays had a newsletter that said, “If you’re in dire need, go to the Bongs’ house. They’re big saps and can’t turn down a cat in need.” That’s how we ended up with five cats, now ages 11, 9.5, 9, 6, and 5. The oldest (the only female) is always hissing at the boys.

    2. Formica Dinette*

      Lifelong cat-haver and crazy cat lady here. It sounds like you’re doing everything right. Keep taking it slow and being patient. It would probably be OK to move to short same-room interactions within the next week or so. Kitten is likely going to keep being brazen and Older Cat is likely going to keep being at least occasionally grouchy about the interloper for many months. I recently went through a similar situation (though existing cat is younger than yours). It went ridiculously quickly and they’re buddies now, but Older Cat still gets cranky about the newer one at times. Good luck and have fun!

      1. Kitten Advice*

        Hooray! It’s great to hear positive stories. I’m looking forward to the buddy stage, even if my own older kitty takes a bit longer to get there. :)

    3. The Other Dawn*

      Let me say first that you probably shouldn’t take advice from me. Yes, I’m a crazy cat lady–I have 11 cats!–and have had cats all my life, but I just don’t do the whole Jackson Galaxy thing. I don’t have the patience for that and I’ve never had issues. Sure, I’ve had cats that just don’t get along, but I think many people have no matter how they do the introductions and integration.

      Typically what I do is put the new cat/kitten in a bedroom by itself for about a week. During that time, usually after the first two days, I bring in one or two of my other cats and let them see the new kitty, sniff around, etc. I play with them separately so they each get playtime but they’re together in one room. I always start with the most chill cat and move on from there. By the end of the week, most of the cats have been in the room, either alone or with several others with the new kitty . Usually on the last day I’ll bring in the current Cranky Pants kitty and show him/her the newbie. CP typically doesn’t like it, but oh well. Then at the end of the day or the next day, I let the newbie out and they’re all on their own. I supervise for a bit, of course, but I let the new kitty roam around and do whatever and see how the others interact. It generally goes well.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I will add that with the age difference of your two kitties, don’t be surprised if it doesn’t move beyond the older cat just tolerating the younger one. Unless your older kitty is still playful, he may remain annoyed with her since she mostly has a much higher energy level.

  65. The Other Dawn*

    My nephew graduated from Army basic training this week and I get to see him tomorrow. So excited! My sister and I are driving to NY for his welcome home party. He goes back for his senior year of HS and then on to AIT next June. I had no idea they so that now.

    Boy, how the Army has changed (somewhat) with the times. Each company has it’s own FB page and families can keep somewhat up-to-date on their progress. Graduation was streamed live on the National Infantry Museum Facebook page. I’m glad I closed my office door, because 1) I didn’t know they would do a rifle demonstration at the beginning and people would be hearing gunshots and 2) I cried like a baby at the end when each platoon marched by. And now they even sell T-shirts! My sister said she would need to check an empty bag just for all the shirts she had to bring home.

    Poor kid had a hell of a time getting home, though. He was coming from base in Atlanta yesterday and had a delayed flight, then got rerouted twice (Newark and Washington, supposed to be Syracuse). He was supposed to get in yesterday afternoon and got in this morning at 11:15 am–two days with no sleep! But at least the airline bumped him to first class since he was dressed in his BDUs. My sister was flying in Thursday night, but her flight got cancelled, was supposed to take off at 10 am yesterday, got delayed, then got delayed in Newark for several hours and she didn’t get home until midnight, then had to be to work at 5 am this morning. She didn’t go to work, of course, since she had to pick up my nephew at the airport at 11:15. What a mess! But they all got home.

    1. Green Kangaroo*

      Congratulations to your nephew, and many thanks for his service. The military opens so many doors and offers incredible opportunities.

      2. Pam*

        Congratulations to your nephew! I work with veteran and military students at my university campus- love them!

  66. Fall Cleaning*

    UGH. I started decluttering this week, and I’m finding a lot of things that I don’t have the energy or time to find homes for, but hate to put into a landfill. It’s mostly niche hobby stuff that wouldn’t do well in a yard sale.

    Example: there is a discontinued specialty sand that was hugely popular as a substrate when I was doing competitive aquascaping, and I still have 100 pounds of it. (Yes, people actually design fish tanks for prize ribbons. It’s not easy. I got into it to help a science teacher friend create an engaging classroom tank, and things snowballed.) Aquarists would go NUTS to still be able to get their hands on this stuff.

    The thought of re-engaging a bunch of hobby forums in order to find homes for piles of obscure materials sounds exhausting. I wonder if it would be cost effective to try Task Rabbit or a similar service? I’m not looking to make a pile of cash, but I don’t want it to end up costing me a lot either. Breaking even would be okay.

    1. Kate Daniels*

      Depending on where you live, you might have luck posting it to Freecycle, joining a Buy Nothing Project group, or posting it on a Craigslist free section. I used a Freecycle for the first time last week because I have also been doing a massive decluttering, and it’s an easy, quick way to get rid of stuff without the guilt because the people interested in the free stuff come to you. I pick a public place near where I live to meet up with the people.

      I get that it’s tempting to just throw things away. I don’t have a car, so over the past three months, I’ve taken almost ten bus trips to Goodwill and other donation centers to get rid of my things, which obviously is more expensive and time consuming than just throwing the stuff down the trash chute, but I am trying to get rid of things as responsibility as possible since I was the one who brought it into my life in the first place. Doing so has come with the unexpected, added benefit of making me change my consumption habits and make more environmentally friendly decisions.

    3. Kathenus*

      If you have NextDoor in your area, it’s a good place to sell/give away things and it’s not as much as a free-for-all as Craigslist can be since it’s restricted to people in your area who are signed up.

    4. Trixie*

      My neighborhood has a FB group, kind of online garage sale for single items. Or maybe a public FB post your friends can share.

    5. Aphrodite*

      If you are okay with giving it away then I suggest the free section of CraigsList. You’d be surprised at what different people view as treasure. I had a bed fan that was in perfect condition other than the fact that the remote stopped working. Brookstone customer service was not–in fact they were a real shithead–so I tossed it. But I hated the idea of it ending up in the landfill. So I fished it out, put an ad on CL that said the remote doesn’t work and overnight I had more than two dozen responses. The older guy who picked it up said he could fix it. He was thrilled too. And so was I.

      1. Melody Pond*

        Second this one! I’ve gotten rid of a TON of stuff on the “free” section of Craigslist. Take lots of pictures, be honest about what it is you’re trying to get rid of (and its condition) – you’d be surprised who will venture out to a place that’s convenient for you, to snatch it up!

    6. TiffIf*

      There’s a charity craft shop in my area that takes supply donations. It is billed as a “creative reuse center”. Maybe see if something like that is in your area?

    7. Ranon*

      If you live near a creative reuse store they can be wonderful places to donate this kind of stuff- I cleared out decades of stuff from the architecture firm I work at when we moved and it was astonishing what they would take and what people would use! Plus, one stop to get rid of stuff. Link to many stores of this type here: https://www.artofrecycle.org/our_neighbors.html

  67. L-cJ*

    Looking for reccomendations for restaurants for Vancouver, BC and Richmond, BC for an upcoming trip.
    I don’t eat seafood/fish/etc or organ meats but am otherwise pretty open. Thanks!

    1. Weekend Warrior*

      Well, Vancouver is a seafood town and Richmond is known for great Asian food including seafood, but having said that, you can get non seafood choices as well. Here’s some from various price points in Vancouver.
      A bit expensive but fab – Provence at Marinaside in False Creek. You can even take a little passenger ferry almost to the door if coming from Granville Island or Science World. Known for seafood but other dishes wonderful too. Mushroom ravioli to die for!
      Medium – Farmers Apprentice – great farm to table place. Fable Diner – pulled duck pancake! Red Wagon – hipster brunches.
      Lower – Finch’s – pear and Brie baguette, also available as pear and Brie salad. Many pho and bahn mi shops. Poke popular too.
      Food trucks – many. Japadog, etc, etc.
      Comfort- White Spot (many locations). A Vancouver tradition. Triple O burgers, endless fries, and also newer fusion dishes.

      Enjoy!

    2. ..Kat..*

      Smak. They do vegan, vegetarian, gluten free, etc. they have a counter you can eat at or do takeaway. Nice quality fresh stuff. They also do meat.

  68. LGC*

    Runners! How are you guys doing? Anything important coming up?

    I’ve…been astounded by how quickly race fees add up. (I also didn’t realize how quickly discounts add up. My USATF registration has paid for itself already, which is kind of disturbing now that I think about it.) So far, I’ve got the store’s half (the club I belong to is sponsored by a running store) tomorrow, Newport next weekend, and then registration for Boston on Friday. (And then a couple of other races throughout the fall.)

    1. Ktelzbeth*

      Your local triathlete crashing the comment. I did the race in Iowa a couple weeks ago and won my age group! (Here is where I admit that it was an age group of two, but I still think I get to be proud of myself because the person I beat had beaten me in the previous race by 4 minutes and I was happy with my time.)

      Then I went on vacation and had a busy week following, so my training is all out of whack. Triathlons are done for the season, so my next race will be a trail run Sept 22, work permitting.

      Good luck to everyone!

      1. LGC*

        Oh man, congrats! Especially on beating someone you’d raced against before!

        A couple of people I know are actually doing the Lake Placid 1/2 Ironman tomorrow morning, which…makes me just want to go back to bed just at the thought of it. Triathletes are…a fascinating bunch to me, especially the people that are super into triathlon.

        1. Ktelzbeth*

          Thanks! I race sprint distances, which are 500-800 yard swim, 12-18 mile bike, and 5k run. The distance is not standardized. I keep thinking about getting longer, but every season I hurt something. I do think I count as super into it, though. I race a couple times a month through the summer and I agree that it gets expensive.

          1. LGC*

            Especially since triathlon is an expensive sport to begin with! I’m aghast at $300 fees – I’ve heard for Ironman, they top out at $1000 or more, and in general entry is way more expensive than for road races. (Which makes sense – you’re competing for a much longer time, and you have much more complicated logistics, I’d imagine.)

            But seriously – like, triathlon does fascinate me, even though I don’t know if I’d ever want to do one. It takes a certain kind of person to want to swim, bike, and run all in the same event. (Also, you just referred to a 20-mile event as a “sprint.” Okay, most of that is on a bike, BUT STILL…)

    2. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      Yes, races have become a FORTUNE. I’ve sharply cut down the number of races I’ve done compared with 7-8 years ago. To be fair, part of it is that I’m less interested in running lots of races.

      Good luck with all your races but especially Newport next weekend – I love that half marathon, but have cut that one out because it keeps creeping earlier and earlier into summer, and overheated severely last time I did it and got myself sick. Speaking of which, this past Monday was the first time all summer that I cut a run short because I thought I was literally going to melt into a puddle. It was so refreshing today to run in actually palatable weather for running. It’s going to get warm again mid-week, but at least it doesn’t sound like it will be the furnace that it was this week.

      1. LGC*

        I didn’t realize how bad it was until I sat down and realized that in the past four weeks I’ll be spending roughly $400 on race fees. (Okay, so the big hit is Boston – that’s $200 on its own. But I got roped into a four mile race back in August, and then between the two races a week apart, another popular local 5k that does its registration in August (for a December race), and then possibly an 18 miler in October…yeah, that’s about $400 even.

        And thanks – I’ll definitely need the luck for Newport. We’re trying to field a team – which is kind of difficult when your team is eight guys and two of them already have plans that weekend! (And then one is iffy because – you’re right – it is…a difficult time of year, and keeps you out in the sun for all of the course. And then one hasn’t been training much over the summer because life happened. And then the last guy is just coming back from an injury and is more partial to 5k/10k.) I’m pretty sure it’ll go better than last year, since I’m in much better shape (and I’m also not recovering from an injury this year), but I’ll see what happens. Hopefully I should be able to run at least close to my PR, although the course is not great for summer running.

    3. CheeryO*

      Ugh, yes, I’ve cut way back on racing this year. Doesn’t help that NYC is ridiculously expensive, but at least it’s worth it. I can’t stand paying $70 or $80 for a local half with limited amenities, which seems to be the new norm. Don’t get me started on the $30 5Ks!

      Currently procrastinating my 15 mile long run. It’s only 50 degrees out, and this summer has made me so soft! I know it’ll feel great once I’m moving, though, so I better just get it over with.

      1. LGC*

        …I’m not going to argue with that, especially after spending $40 for a 5k (okay, so that one does have a lot of swag from what I’ve heard, as well as prize money). $80 sounds a bit on the high end for a half – granted, that’s what the one I ran this morning cost, but also they gave everyone windbreakers. (Which hilariously happen to be nearly the exact same color as my own. That was an interesting conversation.)

        Also, holy cow you’re right about NYC. I’m complaining about Boston, but NYC is $295! ($255 if you’re a NYRR member, which is only $40/year!) That said, NYRR races in general are pricey – even with the member discount, they’re often on the high end of the spectrum. (I imagine that part of it is that – for example – shutting down the FDR is a really hard thing to do, even on a Sunday morning.)

        Hope you got out and did your 15 miler! It was a really nice day for it – meaning it was miserable to stand around in, but it was nice once you got moving. After last week, it almost felt frigid – which sounds weird for mid 50’s weather, but coming from 100-degree temps a couple of days ago, it’s not too surprising. (I mean, at least it’s not Lake Placid, which was actually under a frost warning this morning!)

        1. CheeryO*

          I got it done! I was super wimpy and wore tights and had to double back and change into shorts when I started sweating less than a mile in. It ended up being a fabulous day for a long run!

          I also topped 50 miles this week for the first time in almost a year, which is cool. I know it’s nothing compared to what some people do in marathon training, but it’s a lot for me! I’m liking the Hansons plan so far, although I’m not sold that it’s the most efficient way to improve… soooo many MP miles.

          1. LGC*

            Awesome!

            I haven’t done Hansons yet, but…I’ve noticed that I get a bit burned out if I’m doing a ton of MP or faster mileage – which is kind of weird because I enjoy speed work. I think this spring I stayed around 20%, but this cycle I’ve already had a couple of weeks where I’ve gotten over 30% for the week). I’m also a workaholic and averaging for 50-60 miles per week (I want to peak at 75, but if I don’t that’s fine), so…that’s a lot of fast mileage.

            One of the things I’m trying to keep in mind is that mileage is pretty personal. A lot of marathoners top out at 35-40 weekly. Pros do…more like 135-140. (They run like it’s their job. Because it is.) With my team, we usually do between 50-80 (the majority of us are sub-3 marathoners, including me) – and the fastest guys aren’t doing the most miles now.

    4. Forget T-Bone Steak, Let's Eat T-Rex Steak*

      I’ve gotten to the point where I only register to run one marathon per year because the race fees were just getting to be too much for me. Marathon is in March, so I’m just getting into training mode to start building the mileage.

      1. LGC*

        Oh, which one? I know LA and Tokyo are in March. (Okay, if I remember correctly LA is in March…)

        I’m still in the “I NEED TO DO ALL THE BIG RACES” phase, so right now I’m aiming for two full marathons per year. The problem in my case is that apparently I have very good luck and very bad impulse control! (Like, I got in through the lottery for NYC Half, got a lottery entry AFTER NYC for Brooklyn Half, and then lucked into the NYC Marathon. That was…$500, give or take.) Plus, I’ll do some team racing on the side. Plus, I might do something as a “training run”.

        At the very least, I now have enough race shirts that I don’t need to buy shirts ever again.

  69. Anonymosity*

    I mentioned getting all the MCU films last week and I’ve been working my way through them to make sure the secondhand blu-rays are all okay (and because it’s fun, LOL). It was one film a night at first, but I have a 30-day return on most of them and I’m bored, so I’ve been doing double features every night, haha. The only one I had not seen was Iron Man 3–now I have (it was kind of meh, but it had its moments). I’ve really enjoyed this marathon because now that I’ve seen Infinity War, all the ways they tied each film into the bigger narrative stand out much better. Plus, I haven’t seen some of these movies since their initial release. I’ve forgotten a bunch of the earlier ones–it was almost like watching again for the first time. So many little bits of dialogue, jokes, and moments that I didn’t remember!

    What are some of your favorite moments in either the MCU or another film series?

    1. Persimmons*

      I am soooo far behind that I actually just watched CA last night for the first time! Yeah, the first one, from 2011. The end was heartbreaking (“…I had a date.”)

      Originally I told myself that comic book movies were a treat I couldn’t enjoy unless I was working out. It’s almost a decade later and I’m still fat, so I gave up and started watching.

    2. Gatomon*

      I just watched Iron Man 3 last weekend! I am not a huge Iron Man fan, tbh, but after re-watching the first one he’s grown on me. I thought they missed an opportunity to humanize Tony Stark further with the way they ended that movie though. Either way, it’s onward to Thor: The Dark World for me!

      I think my favorite MCU moment is when we get to soar into Wakanda for the first time. Just thinking about that scene puts a smile on my face. I really got a kick out of that seeing it in IMAX.

      Watching them back-to-back really helps gel things together for me. I think the films are all basically enjoyable for the regular person who just wants to enjoy a good superhero movie, but I think the cohesive universe/storyline really gives them an extra special something that gives you something new to remember/discover with each rewatch.

      1. Anonymosity*

        I agree–IM3 could have been much better than it was. Guy Pearce is always fun, so I didn’t mind too much. I can’t remember why I missed that film initially. The only ones I didn’t see at the cinema were Iron Man, The Incredible Hulk, and that one; I was a bit late to the party. Starting with Iron Man 2, I started hitting the cinema because 1) blockbusters are way more fun on the big screen, and 2) I could see there was something happening, even if I didn’t get exactly where they were going with it. Plus, they sucked me in with Robert Downey Jr. I’ve been a fan of his since Weird Science and I was really happy to see him, even though I had no fricking idea who the hell Iron Man was.

        Yes, that’s exactly how I felt about watching them all at once. When they came out, there were large gaps in between each film, so it was difficult to see how it all tied together. You would be sitting there in the cinema and going, “Oh yeah….I think I remember….hmm.” Now all those little mentions and occurrences are really obvious.

        I LOVE Wakanda. I LOVED Black Panther. I can’t wait to see more of him and the Dora Milaje, and Nakia, Okoye, and Shuri! :)

        1. Gatomon*

          I couldn’t afford to see them in theaters until the last year or so… I’m actually bummed I skipped out on seeing Infinity War in theaters, but I really wanted to catch up on the rest of the series. Now that they are coming out like clockwork it is much easier to stay on top of what you need to know.

          Ooh, Shuri is my hero! “Guess what I call them: sneakers.”

    3. The New Wanderer*

      I enjoyed Black Panther, Guardians 1&2, and Antman and Antman and the Wasp, but those are the only MCU movies I’ve seen in years (none of the Thors or CAs or Spider-Mans). I saw Iron Man back when it first came out, and maybe the second one, but they were good at the time and entirely forgettable. Finally saw most of Infinity War, which I actually liked despite not having seen most of the other avengers movies. Never liked Spider-Man as a main character but he was funny in IF. Ditto Hulk. Will probably watch Dr Strange even though the accent is kind of off putting.

      I’m kind of the same way about the DC movies. Saw the Christian Bale Batman trilogy and Wonder Woman and really liked those, but didn’t really care for the Superman remake and never did see Batman v Superman. But I just watched Justice League which was entertaining, mostly thanks to the Flash.

  70. dating*

    I have a first date with someone I met online. She’s a bit older than I’d like and there are a few yellow flags but I am wondering now if I agreed to the date because I am feeling desperate (a few things happened this week that made me feel very alone). She seems very into me (at least my online persona), and I tend to sometimes be very judgmental of anyone into me. So I’m not sure if I’m just having cold feet, or being judgmental or desperate, or plain old anxiety of meeting a new person. I tell myself it’s just coffee and I can get some experience but then I think it’s a waste of time. Any idea how to sort this out?

    1. LuckySophia*

      Just some random thoughts:
      — You are feeling alone, and you have the opportunity to meet up with a person, instead of just hanging around solo …that’s a good thing!
      — She seems predisposed to think favorably of you..that’s a good thing!
      — Can you coax yourself to feel some relaxed appreciation for the “good vibes/good intentions” she’s putting out towards you? If you can, that would be a good thing.
      — Can you kick your judgmental compulsions to the curb for just the short time it takes to enjoy a coffee? That would be a VERY good thing! Nothing quashes interpersonal potential faster than judgement!! (Think about it from the opposite perspective: if you were eager to meet her, and she judged you negatively for thinking she was nice/appealing/interesting….that wouldn’t be very fair, or even reasonable. So try not to do that to her.)
      — Keep reminding yourself “it’s just coffee!” It does not require you to make any immediate, life-altering decisions or commitments. At worst, you enjoy some passable conversation & a cuppa, and that’s the end of it. Or even better, you gain a friendly acquaintance to do stuff (movies, museums, walking) with. Or better yet, it’s someone you may want to actually *date*. None of these are “bad” outcomes. So keep reminding yourself, there are no bad options here.

    2. Anona*

      It’s kinda like a job interview. Unless you feel unsafe or have already encountered a deal breaker, what’s the harm in coffee? At the very least it’s good practice.
      My husband and I met online- he was much better on the phone/in person than online.

    3. Clever Name*

      Go with an open mind. Evaluate how you feel when you actually meet her. If it doesn’t click it doesn’t click, but please give her the courtesy of letting her know rather than ghosting her. It’s perfectly reasonable to say, “I had a really nice time, but I didn’t feel a connection. I wish you all the best”

  71. LilySparrow*

    I am very proud of myself because I had a good checkup yesterday.

    I’m on a couple of maintenance prescriptions (thyroid, ADHD), so I have to have checkups every 6 months to renew them. For the last few appointments, I’ve been getting the Eyebrows Of Concern about my blood pressure creeping up, and last time I got the “if this keeps going, we’re going to have to Think About Medicine.”

    So I made a concerted effort to get my salt & sugar down, my walking, sleep, veggies & water up. And it worked! My numbers were back down in the Perfectly Fine range. I struggle to stay on a proper routine and do all the things the way I should, and sometimes I get down on myself because of it. But it is a great encouragement to see concrete, objective evidence that I did make a change. I don’t have to be perfect to be effective.

    Yay!

    1. Enough*

      Good for you. I’ve needed to work on my regimen for a long time. I would like to get off blood pressure medicine but at least never need to up it. I have finally lost 5 pounds that didn’t come back. Now if I can do 5 more.

  72. StudentA*

    Kale lovers, I need you. I buckled down and bought a bunch of kale. The store only sold huge bunches. I’ve liked it in restaurants, but never cooked it myself. What should I do with it?

    1. nep*

      I steam it very lightly and toss it with some olive oil with a squeeze of lime or lemon juice–little bit of salt and pepper if you want. Or throw it in smoothies.

      1. Trixie*

        Similar but a vegan friend does this with veggie stock, steam, and adds balsamic vinegar, salt, pepper, and nutritional yeast flakes. I could also see adding fresh ground nutmeg.

    2. Middle School Teacher*

      Budget bytes has a great recipe for a kale salad with a tahini dressing. It’s awesome.

    5. The New Wanderer*

      I’ve made veggie soup with kale being about 50% of the bulk of it (along with onion, tomato, beans, mushrooms, and tofu), but I’ve also added a cup or two of shredded (or frozen) kale to creamy soup, stews, and pasta casserole type dishes.

      Kale chips are awesome but it’s really tricky (for me) to get the timing right. If you have a big bunch, you definitely have some to spare working out the timing.

    7. catsaway*

      Kale salads – I make one with kale, goat cheese, black beans, avocado and a balsamic vinegrette on top. It’s pretty hardy and letting the kale sit with everything overnight or during the day (I usually put these salads together in the morning before going to work) helps break down the kale a bit, I think, so it’s not so tough.
      Kale sweet potato hash, if you like stuff like that.
      Kale chips, as others have mentioned.
      Rice (or other grain of choice) bowl with sauteed kale on top.
      In general, I think you can use kale in most places where you’d use spinach or another dark, tougher leafy green.

    9. Melody Pond*

      Saute it with bacon bits and lemon juice! Not like an over the top amount of bacon – I think we did a couple slices of bacon, chopped up into bits, for one bunch of kale. It’s so yummy!

    10. Amey*

      I like steaming it lightly then sauteing with chilli, garlic and plenty of olive oil then tossing with pasta, chickpeas and parmesan.

    11. Koala dreams*

      I like to make a simple white sauce with kale. The easiest is to just cook it with soy milk or similar, but you can do your own version of white or brown sauce if you like. For extra tasty, I make a simple kale pie with store-bought crust and the kale white sauce inside. The kale will get smaller when you cook it, so use some more than you think you need.

    12. Erika22*

      I love kale and sweet potato combos! My favorites are kale and sweet potato with balsamic reduction (it’s like a delicious warm salad) and kale, black bean and sweet potato enchiladas. Aside from adding some kale to veggie soups and chili, I don’t really like it tbh – I need the sweetness of the sweet potato to balance it out.

    13. LCL*

      Slice into ribbons, throw in cast iron pan with some oil, when it starts to wilt add your favorite liquid sauce-hoisin or peanut sauce or soy and mirin, for example. Cook it until it is done to your taste. No matter what sauce you use, it def needs a lot of salt and a pinch of sugar, I like the Asian cooking sauces because they are salty already. I don’t believe raw kale is edible, but many others disagree.

    14. Earthwalker*

      Stir fry and season with soy sauce and a dash of sesame oil. It’s also pretty good well steamed and scrambled with eggs.

  73. FODMAP travels*

    Fellow FODMAP folks, how do you:

    1) Deal with relationships?
    2) Travel?

    I’ve been recently dating and I’m very upfront about my food stuff/diet. I talk about it pretty openly by at least the third date. I’ve been seeing someone exclusively for several months and thought things were fine around this, felt supported etc. Turns out person is not sure about this and is wondering how it will impact them long term. I get it, it’s not an easy thing, but also not that impactful (in my opinion) to them. We’ve enjoyed cooking together and eating out at places that work for both of us. I’m hurt/annoyed that it’s not something we talked about sooner since I’ve been so open and honestly thought it was a non-issue. Trying hard not to feel like I’m inadequate. Person also admitted they feel awful for even thinking it’s a thing, they are having emotions about what it says about them.

    I’m so frustrated! Especially since one of the issues is that person wonders how we will travel. This is a non-issue for me since travel has never been worhin my budget so I’ve never really thought about it. It’s extra ironic since person could have travelled anytime and anywhere but literally has only once … so I didn’t think it was a big priority in their life. I’m happy to explore and figure out how it will work, would love to travel. Anyway, the whole thing feels like a giant exercise in futility and frustration.

    Oh yeah, and of course emotional stress has to make things worse in the IBS world. GIANT EYE ROLL at life.

    Anyway, advice for any of the above is appreciated.

    1. LuckySophia*

      I’m not a FODMAP person, but what jumps out at me is, it seems your person is actually thinking about a long-term relationship with you (which is good) but in the process they are running through a bunch of hypothetical, what-if scenarios that feel scary/limiting to them, based on…their imagination, rather than fact. Stuff like: “Aw, if we take a road trip, we’ll NEVER be able to stop at McDonalds because (IBS).” Or…”Jeez, this means the two of us can never just go grab a pizza on a Friday night after work. I don’t WANNA have to give up pizzzzaaaaaaa!” In short, your person might be imagining restrictions that (1) you never requested and (2) you are not planning to impose on THEM and (3) probably aren’t A Real Thing, anyway. Can you ask them to give specific examples of how they feel your IBS “would impact them long-term”? Not just “we can’t travel”.. but what specific scenario(s) are they anticipating? If you can find out what they are imagining, maybe you can say or do things to demonstrate that your IBS is not going to dictate how they [eat pizza, board a plane] or whatever.

      1. FODMAP travels*

        Thank you for this – I found this super helpful. I think this is what person was attempting to explain the other day- that the convo is coming up now because they are actually thinking about something more long-term with me. They actually did say it was not because of anything I had done, but was more about the hypotheticals in the future. Your examples of the hypotheticals helped me understand this better. I didn’t really get it because in my mind, I’m super flexible and have never stopped anyone from going out where they want or eat what they want (i.e. if someone wants pizza, I’ll get sushi etc., if they love a restaurant I can’t eat at I encourage them to go with a friend) but I can see how this is more about how person is maybe feeling sad we can’t BOTH grab pizza (or whatever it actually is). Will definitely think on how to explore the specific scenarios person is anticipating.

    2. Ktelzbeth*

      Not FODMAP, but limited by gluten intolerance and being a vegetarian. For travel, I scout restaurants online and sometimes call ahead. If I have no choice in the restaurant (say a work meeting) and think it will be terrible, I eat before and comfort myself that probably everyone can make a green salad so I have something to have on a plate. I don’t know much about choices on FODMAP, but is there a similar staple that nearly every restaurant could make so you have something on a plate, even if it’s not really your meal and you go back to the hotel room and eat a protein bar/drink/frozen dinner/hit Jimmy John’s on the way home (I’ve done most of those)?

      It is stressful. All the support to you.

      1. FODMAP travels*

        I like this idea to figure out one stable that nearly any restaurant could do. I kinda already do this, but your approach is a bit more practical. Does this work for you in other countries too? Also wondering if you are partnered/dating how you’ve dealt/deal with the food dynamics in relationship?

        Thank you for the support – it is actually pretty stressful. I don’t think people with normal digestive systems can truly appreciate how much time/thought/energy goes into making sure someone with dietary stuff can just eat food. Best to you too!

        1. Ktelzbeth*

          Single now. I have had relationships, though not many since I figured out the gluten problem and added it to vegetarian. My first husband (pregluten) was vegetarian, so that was a great meeting of the minds dietarily. The rest wasn’t as good. My second husband ate everything, but was willing to do his own meat and bread related cooking at home. I made vegetarian, gluten-free meals that were nourishing and tasty and when he got to needing meat, he or we went out or he cooked some. I don’t remember it ever being much of an issue or a discussion, which is why I kind of passed over that part of your question. The only time that was hard was when a long time boyfriend became paleo for a while. There is not much overlap between vegetarian and paleo, but again, we nailed down the approximately two things we could both eat and then fended for ourselves or went out.

          In Paris, I made sure I had a suitcase full of snacks and protein powder, then checked menus. I found places, but I did put my snacks to good use and I probably missed some of the local color. I would have missed more local color on a tour of the bathrooms (or maybe not, if you count bathrooms as local color).

    3. misspiggy*

      I’ve been through similar with a partner due to chronic health issues. I’ve been like, yes, dealing with this stuff is part of being with me, but I do my best to manage it proactively and I don’t expect anyone else to take responsibility for it.

      Being confident and matter of fact about it seemed to help, as did not freaking out when he raised his concerns. But it does depend a lot on how focused someone is on their own convenience.

      1. FODMAP travels*

        This is a good reminder. I am generally quite confident about my stuff, but this time it caught me off guard and internally I got very insecure. I think I held it together on the outside okay…

        1. Dr. Anonymous*

          I am living the FODMAP life, and travel just means planning ahead and sometimes grocery stores. Longer trips may mean grocery stores and lodgings with kitchenettes, and that’s actually kind of cool in a new country. You get a little closer view of the place you are visiting.

    4. WS*

      My partner has FODMAP issues and we travel. Honestly, it’s not a big deal – she tries to minimise food triggers by choosing appropriate food, we pack snacks in case there’s going to be nothing available (rarely the case, but it’s more relaxing to have a back-up!), plan toilet stops, and have medication ready to go if there’s stealth onion somewhere. I suspect your person has suddenly thought through the implications and is having a giant attack of worst-case scenarios, which is not uncommon when taking a relationship up a step – just in your case it’s FODMAP!

      1. FODMAP travels*

        Thanks for sharing your perspective! Was there a time when you were worried about her health stuff? If so, how did you work through it?
        Also super curious what medication you have ready to go?

      2. ..Kat..*

        I second the snacks. On Amazon, I have found a lot of single serving packaged snacks that I can eat. I take them on travel. Also have a stash at work.

          1. ..Kat..*

            Late reply: I am not FODMAP, but gluten free and egg free. I use Jif peanut butter single serve packets, peeled snacks (that’s the brand name) dried apple and dried mang0, Mediterranean Organic green pitted olives (2.5 oz, resealable zip lock opening), Mario pitted snack olives (1.05 oz), Mauna Loa dry roasted macadamia nuts (0.5 oz), Dr McDougall’s has some single serve cups of dried soup mixes (microwave needed), Rice Ramen has single serve cups of dried noodle soup mix (microwave needed), Justin’s has single serve packets of various nut butters. I also just make my own single serve packets of nuts using small ziplock baggies. I also have single serve packets of Heinz catsup and mustard. Single serving gluten free soy sauce (San J brand). You can get single serve packets of honey, picante sauce, Tobasco sauce, etc. Single serving packets of tuna (Chicken of the Sea, Starkist, etc) or salmon, or sardines (yuck, these stinky fish are for my husband). Truitt family foods Tru Flavors hummus. Note that none of these requires refridgeration. I generally carry a reusable spork (you can get disposables as well) (caution, some/many TSA agents will remove this from you as a dangerous weapon. When flying, I will bring tongue depressors in my carry on – awkward to use, but not considered a weapon by TSA). Just FYI, packets that contain liquids always go in a zip lock bag before going in my purse or suitcase. I have only had one packet break in my purse in my lifetime, but once was enough.

            Good luck. A happy GI system makes travel much more pleasant.

    5. HannahS*

      If the two of you really want to travel, you can on most diets. You can’t necessarily go and eat all the fine dining or fun streetfood, but most places in the world have grocery stores. Hostels have kitchens, as do nicer hotels. When I travel, I eat a lot of instant oatmeal, cheese sandwiches, and some raw fruits and vegetables. Sometimes hardboiled eggs. I knew a girl who kept strictly kosher and pretty much ate plain rice and fruit for three weeks in Southeast Asia.
      But I agree that travel is kind of a lame excuse, especially since they don’t travel much anyway. There are some diets that would give me pause when thinking of a longterm relationship, and to be fair I’m sure some people would find mine hard too. Being with someone who had severe celiac where we couldn’t have wheat at all in the house would be challenging. If I loved the guy, I’d marry him and give up bread! But it would constitute a sacrifice. Not just because I love baked goods (I do) but because it would involve giving up things in my life that give me comfort and pleasure, like baking cookies and fresh bread with butter, and it would mean not making a lot of the foods that I grew up with for special occasions and holidays and sharing them with my kids. And the very large question of what the heck am I going to eat?! One meal, sure, even two, no problem, but 21 meals a week and snacks? What do I take on picnics? What kid-friendly foods do I make when we have kids? How do I cook like this on a budget or in season or locally? I’ve spent years figuring out how to eat within my own restrictions and preferences; adding in more would constitute a significant lifestyle change and a lot of work.

      Now some of those questions, I have answers to, and ultimately, as I said, I wouldn’t end a great relationship over it. But I’m trying to illustrate that the prospect of a shared life with someone who must eat very differently from you can be anxiety provoking and distressing, especially because it involves a fairly abrupt change with no health benefit. It sounds like you’re being as accommodating as a person with dietary limits can possibly be, and like maybe they aren’t being as insightful as they could be. My guess is that this is just something they’ll work through.

    6. Chicago anon*

      When you travel, stay in a place with a kitchen: hotel suite, AirBnB, VRBN (vacation rental by owner). Then you can prepare safe food for yourself, and if necessary fill up on that before going to restaurants where your options may be limited.

    7. Thursday Next*

      Long-time vegetarian, recent gluten-intolerant person here. I’ve travelled a lot, in the U.S. and Asia and Europe. I typically pack some snacks, and I do as much research as I can on local restaurants, and also local cuisine, so that I know that I can have X dish that is a common one locally if they can omit the chicken/fish/beef. My husband is an omnivore, and we’ll go to places where he can try local specialties while I just have a drink or two—fermented shark in Iceland is something he couldn’t miss! Mostly, we go places where I will be able to find *something*.

      As far as our home life, we’re on very different schedules unfortunately so rarely eat together during the week. But I plan our weekend meals so that everyone can have something, while minimizing prep work (so: I’ll make gluten free spaghetti, and one or two sauces, and meatballs, and sautéed broccoli; people can assemble whatever combo they’d like).

  74. Nervous Accountant*

    Wonder if anyone here can give some insight — I’m postingthis in other places as well so bear with me.

    I saw a MFM (Maternal fetal specialist) last year. He told me to get my A1c down/diabetes under control and then think about getting pregnant.

    I did that. latest results were great despite the tremendous stress I had this year. Things are finally starting to look up.

    I guess I’m just trying to decide if I should go see him now? or wait until I see my endocrinologist again (in October) and discuss with her. If any medication will be necessary, I won’t start until February.

    I’m 33, I feel like times’ running out. Now that I know I can control my diabetes, whether its w insulin or diet, I’m more confident I can kep my good habits for the pregnancy. I’m ready to sacrifice the time and energy and money. I’m ready to go on maternity leave. I’m ready for the mood swings and the strict diet during pregnancy. What I’m not ready for is getting pregnant and possibly losing again b/c of my diabetes/heaviness.

    (To put it in to perspective–I was getting yeast infections constantly for a while. Everyone said it was b/c of the diabetes. I got the diabetes under control and I STILL got one last wee despite controlled #s. This frustrated me so much b/c I thought this problem would go away, but it didn’t.)

    1. Anonymous for this one*

      I would recommend trying to get pregnant now if you are ready. It can take time – you just never know. My husband and I tried for several years (starting at 30) and finally went through IVF last year when I was 34 to conceive and was fortunate for it to work the first time. I also had worked to get diabetes in check but we realized that we needed help after trying on our own. So I would recommend you start and see how it goes. There is never a perfect time.

    2. Nines*

      That sounds like a lot. Just a lot of different stuff to manage!! Could you just go to the MFM person now and ask “hey, are we ready yet or should I come back?”
      And you might be “running out of time” for your personal timeline, everyone is different there! But if you are just feeling like “any day I’ll be too old to have babies!” You have time! I definitely felt like that at 33, and I didn’t even know if I wanted kids. Now that I’m 38, turns out I don’t! But I have multiple friends all having babies this year, and they are all my age or older. I know everyone is different, but, don’t let yourself tell yourself you’re running out of time just because you *should* have kids already.
      And give yourself a hug for kicking ass on your diabetes control! That is no simple feat!

    3. Kj*

      As someone who struggled to get pregnant and now is, I would suggest not waiting too long. I tried to get pregnant for about a year without luck. We knew there could be issues, but didn’t expect that much. I went to a fertility doc and ended up with a PCOS diagnosis in addition to the thing we thought was going to be a problem. Thankfully, I have lean PCOS and it responded to a diabetes medication and I am due in 25 days. I’m about your age as well. I say all this not to scare you, but to say, be proactive! Getting appointments with specialists take a while and if you encounter unexpected issues, it is hard to address them quickly.

    4. Thursday Next*

      It sounds like you’ve done a lot of hard work, and gotten to a point at which you’re ready in a lot of ways. Great job!

      About miscarriages—I understand you feel anxious. But there’s no guarantee against them. I think almost all of my friends with children have experienced pregnancy loss. I have, too. I still think about that baby, like how old it would have been, especially right around the due date.

      It’s emotionally intense. It’s tempting to blame yourself for a miscarriage, c-section, genetic anomaly, premature birth—you name it, women blame themselves for it. That’s the most difficult part of the process, I think, to realize not everything is in your control.

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        I hear you about due dates. Somehow I got pregnant in April all 3 times and was due in January. I’m religious so I believe there was a bigger reason for them. To kick myself in to gear etc. The most recent one, my dad died in January, had i been pregnant, that most certainly would have had been more devastating not being able to see him. That’s how u comfort myself.

    5. MsCende*

      Just a quick note on the infections – has your partner been tested? Sometimes the yeast can be transferred from one partner to the other, and it may be not enough for him to have symptoms, but he could still give it back.

      This is not to say he does, just that it’s possible and to check if you haven’t. Do it next time you get one, you both go on treatment, and with luck it will all clear up.

      Good luck with the pregnancy.

  75. Nines*

    I’m getting married in three weeks! Anyone have suggestions?? From your own wedding, weddings you’ve attended or just… general knowledge! Suggestions on things that you did or experienced that made things easier, more fun, more enjoyable. Or things that made it The. Worst. I’m not a particularly good planner, so things are still being added/altered so any suggestions are welcome. =)

      1. Madge*

        Yes! I was scarfing down potato chips at the post ceremony photos before the reception because I didn’t get lunch.

        Without planning it, I managed to be one of the first to arrive at the church so I had a few minutes to myself to enjoy the quiet and do my make-up before getting changed. It was lovely.

        Be mentally present on your wedding day. I heard from so many friends that they didn’t remember a thing that I made a point to be in the moment and enjoy the day. And remember that anything that goes wrong will make for a better story later.

      2. Marion Ravenwood*

        +1. We got a plate of the canapes made up that we took with us whilst we went to have photos taken, so we weren’t starving before dinner. Depending on timings of the day I’d also definitely have a good (but healthy) breakfast and lunch too if you can – we have a great photo of me eating a sandwich in my dressing gown with my hair done right before I got dressed!

    2. Persimmons*

      Do a quick announcement at the beginning to thank everyone for coming, especially calling out those who had to travel far. Then eat, drink, and dance. Do NOT walk around to every single person and get caught up in their small talk. I didn’t get a bite to eat or drink, and enjoyed not one moment of my reception. I spent the entire time placating relatives I barely saw who wanted to talk my ear off about random crap. Learn from my mistake!

      To that end, have a “save me” sign with multiple people–your spouse, your MOH, whoever. You need a few alert, observant people you can trust to keep an eye on you. When you scratch your nose/rub your veil, they swoop in to grab you when you get cornered by Great Aunt Gertrude so she can show you three photo albums of her knitting.

      1. BRR*

        I second do not get caught up in small talk. I spent most of my reception talking to my uncle who I love dearly but not that much.

        Also expect to be exhausted. I did not see anything that prepared me for how tired I would be. I think I slept 13 hours that night.

      2. Marion Ravenwood*

        This is where I would advocate for a receiving line after the ceremony – I initially didn’t want one because I thought they were too old-fashioned, but it did mean I got to say hello to everyone. And at that point people want to get to the bar so they’re less likely to talk you into the ground.

        1. Reba*

          At our wedding, we had an inadvertently genius setup — the head table was on the way to the dessert table for most folks, so when they were waiting in the pie line or walking to the table, we chatted! (And if they didn’t get pie, what were they doing at my wedding in the first place.) As I said this was unplanned, but not I recommend others plan it! It creates the benefits of the receiving line without stuffiness.

    3. StudentA*

      My number one piece of advice for any bride is to be calm. Do whatever you need to do to be calm. It will make for a better time for you, your guests, and for your pictures! Don’t expect perfection, and if something is imperfect, practice in advance how you’d like to handle it. I used to work with brides in my job (not to mention going to a bunch of weddings myself LOL) and the ones who were most composed were the happiest. I’ve seen brides that blew up over the dumbest things, and ones that were so gracious and unruffled, they were a joy to be around and I didn’t want them to go home LOL!

      Hope this is helpful and CONGRATS!

    4. Dainty Lady*

      Stay hydrated and excuse yourself for the ladies room frequently! And I hope your dress is manageable in the bathroom without help. Mine wasn’t, and it was hot as the dickens that day. I also wish I had spent the money to get my hair done professionally instead of “doing” it myself, I looked so un-festive from the neck up in comparison to the glory below.

      Er — I’m assuming you are the bride, Nines? If you’re the groom, cover for the bride in this regard! –Or the other bride! Or, well, you know what I mean!

      1. Lcsa99*

        You don’t need help if you do your business backwards! Instead of trying to lift the back of the dress and hope for the best just lift the front and step forward straddling the toilet. It works!

      2. Nines*

        Ha! Yes, I am the bride. =) Thanks for the tips! I believe it will be manageable on my own, but I will certainly be practicing!

        I am getting my hair done! I was just talking to my mom about considering asking the same lady to do my makeup (which is a thing she does) but not sure if I want to throw another Thing That Costs Money on the table.

        2. Marion Ravenwood*

          If you want to do your own makeup, I’d really recommend getting a lesson at a makeup counter. Most of the big brands will do specific bridal makeup sessions, sometimes free, sometimes for a cost but often redeemable against makeup if you buy products. I went to the Bobbi Brown counter in Selfridges and got some really good tips, and ended up buying a few things as well. I also found the ritual of putting my makeup on beforehand really relaxing (although I would recommend giving yourself lots of time to do it!), whereas if someone else had done it I’d have been worrying they weren’t doing it how I wanted, if that makes sense.

    5. Smarty Boots*

      You think you will eat at the reception, but you will not. Grab a bite before the ceremony, if you’re not too nervous to eat. Put some granola bars (or whatever works for you that doesn’t drip, stain, or smell) in your bag. Scarf those suckers down when you get a chance, like while after the ceremony photos are being taken. If you are in a place of worship at that time, I truly believe your deity will forgive your eating, because weddings are supposed to be happy and nobody wants the new spouses to pass out from hunger.

      After our reception the whole family went back to our apartment, where I made sandwiches (until my mom made me stop lol) and I finally ate some food. And had a beer.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        My husband decided to worry about the weather and the camera batteries. Then he forgot, and it was cold and rainy and the camera died.

        Wedding still worked, though!

        1. Nines*

          I love this! Ha! And also good points! I’m sure we will both forget all kinds of stuff! And I can’t imagine what we could forget that would bring the whole day to a screeching halt. I mean, I would be seriously bummed if my dress was misplaced, but we could still get married… We’ll all be okay… =)

    7. Falling Diphthong*

      Don’t worry about making it perfect. No one is evaluating it for perfection.

      I was at an outdoor wedding under a tent when a torrential downpour hit, collapsing part of the tent. That’s a memorable wedding! Also the groom realized that another section was about to come down, seized the knife from the cake table, leapt atop it, and stabbed the tent in that section until he opened a hole and the water drained through, preventing a larger collapse. People had fun. The rain was not a disaster. They are still happily married… about 20 years later.

      (This was also the wedding where we realized three hours into our drive that we had left the garment bag with our nice outfits on the bed. Which was at least far enough–especially with an infant in the car–that we didn’t consider turning around. We told the bride and groom why we were more casually dressed than intended, then moved on to enjoying the wedding. It was not ruined by our slightly more casual outfits. In the same spirit, nothing that is not as you pictured it for the day is going to ruin it, or even be much noticed at all in a negative sense.)

      To channel an important AAM theme, people can be bribed with simple carbohydrates.

    8. Anonymous Educator*

      Try to have fun. Try to eat. But don’t give in to the pressure for it to be the perfect day. It is not the most important day of your life—far from it. And it definitely shouldn’t be the best day of your marriage.

    9. Nines*

      This is all lovely! Thanks you guys!
      So far I’m getting:
      Eat, Be Present, Have an escape plan & Chill out. =)

      I’m actually pretty proud of myself for how “chill” I’ve been about the whole process. I’m the person that gets anxious about going out with friends! And the person that spends so much time freaking out about my outfit and my hair and my makeup that I panic and stay home.
      I think the whole wedding thing is just so overwhelming though that I’ve just been totally going with the flow. I’m not nervous or panicking or worry about it too much – I *know* I will get nervous and anxious at some point, but not yet and I’ll take it! I think so far I’ve gotten the most nervous that I’m just going to completely space out a very central piece of the day, like forget chairs or something. But I have enough people checking in/helping out that I doubt that will happen.
      But if it does – a good story for sure!

      1. Nines*

        And thank you all! Again. I think it will be very helpful for me to hear all this now and roll it around in my brain a bit so I’m ready with snacks and deep breaths. ; )

      2. Jillociraptor*

        Congratulations! I just got married last weekend. 3-4 weeks out was the point at which I was the most anxious and generally annoyed at the whole wedding planning process, but about a week and a half before, that all somehow melted away and I was completely chill (or at least as completely chill as I ever get). My wedding was so fun and I hope yours is too!

        A couple of pieces of advice:

        It is actually okay to not be chill or not have a good time at some point during the process of planning your wedding. I felt a ton of pressure to be So Happy and Mellow! the whole time and while I generally was, it also really annoyed me anytime someone responded to me expressing even a mild bad feeling with, “Oh NO you have to HAVE FUN WITH IT.” It’s a huge event with almost all of your friends and loved ones, so it’s kind of a big deal and it’s fine to be stressed! If you can find a few people who can just listen to a quick vent about something that’s annoying, I found that really helpful.

        If you’re not already working with a day-of coordinator, that was unequivocally the most worthwhile investment we made in our whole wedding. Even if you just have more of a personal attendant who can manage the timeline, I think that would make a huge difference. I loved being able to just experience the day without having to think about where I and everyone else needed to be.

        On any advice, YMMV. One of my husband’s cousins gave us one piece of advice before our reception, which was to stick together or we’d have different memories of the day rather than shared ones. We did not stick together, but ended up having a wonderful time the next day bringing each other up to speed on the people we talked to and the fun stuff that happened. Contrary to some of the above posters, one of the only things I wish I had done differently is make more rounds to talk to more of our guests. So, take whatever advice you might get with a grain of salt, and do what feels right for you and your partner. It’s tough to know in advance how you’re going to feel or what’s going to be important to you in the moment, so if you can, leave yourself some release valves to switch things up.

        I hope you have a wonderful last couple of weeks before the wedding and a wonderful wedding day!

        1. Nines*

          Congratulations! I’m glad you had a great time!
          And thank you for the reminder that I don’t always HAVE TO be chill. I’m trying hard to not give in to my natural inclination to get anxious, but it’s also very useful to remember that it’s fine if I do get anxious. It will be a great time to practice my distress tolerance skills. =D
          I think I was most stressed at the beginning of the planning when I was looking at the whole thing and thinking how is it POSSIBLE to afford ANY of this?!?! But it all has worked out, with some creative solutions and help from family. But that whole time my fiance kept saying “if this makes you so stressed then why are we doing it?!” Which stressed me out WAY more. I truly think he was trying to be supportive, and after a couple rounds he finally figured out how unhelpful that was… But, yeah. I totally understand what you mean there. =)
          Thanks!!!! And congrats!

    10. Thursday Next*

      Set out to have a good time, whatever that means to you. I didn’t eat, because I did go around and talk to everyone. People came from so far, and it was a great feeling that they came to see me.

      There was plenty of time to eat at the after-party, and I didn’t have to worry about my dress at that point. :-)

      I don’t know if you’re doing plated or buffet, but don’t run out of food! The only wedding I went to that stands out as terrible was one where they ran out of food, and we still had to stay for hours (because it was family). So miserable. But other than that, all the weddings I’ve been to were lovely and loving.

    11. StrikingFalcon*

      Plan some alone time with your new spouse during the chaos! We did first look photos and made a point of sitting down to eat together at the reception (though I had to send my sister to rescue my husband and get him to come sit down). We also booked a B&B near the venue where no one else was staying and declined any after party invites (we got some heat from his family on that one, but we knew with my chronic illness that there’d be no way I could do anything after). It helped us be present during the day, and to feel like we were doing this for us as well as for the guests.

    12. Someone*

      Congratulations Nines! Re: being calm The morning of my wedding I arrived at my mother’s house to get ready. Everyone was so hyper energized, excited and a bit anxious. As I felt myself getting caught up in the whirlwind, I made a conscious effort to slightly slow my rate of talking. It allowed me to settle my energy and stay calm. I think it settled a few other people, too.

    13. Middle School Teacher*

      You’re getting lots of good ideas! For me as a guest, the worst wedding I attended had all of the speeches before dinner, and they were LONG. My whole table was drunk by the time dinner was announced because we were starving and there was nothing to do while we listened but drink the wine on the table :/

    14. Stellaaaaa*

      Make sure there’s enough food. My mom still rants about a friend’s wedding where the food was bad and there wasn’t enough of it. It was a second marriage for both parties and it was mid-afternoon, so the combination of the casual vibe and it not being a defined mealtime, made the couple think that they didn’t have to provide meal-sized amounts for all of their guests. The couple also cut corners by having relatives provide the food, none of which was actually appetizing. Assume everyone will be eating a full meal regardless of what time it is, and splurge on catering if you have to.

      Try to plan from the perspective of the guests. I’ve been to too many weddings where the ceremonies were long, then there was a lag time while the couple and the wedding party decompressed. By the time cocktail hour rolled around, the guests were starving. Cocktail hour lasted too long because the couple/wedding party pictures took too long, so the guests just keep eating all the cocktail snacks and then they’re not interested in eating the meal, which is usually served right after that hour of eating snacks and standing around doing nothing.

    15. Not a Mere Device*

      Passing something along from Captain Awkward: if the couple are married at the end, the wedding is a success.

      There’s a lot else you might want to do, or not to do, but that’s the one important difference between this and some other party. That doesn’t mean the other choices don’t matter–you’re also throwing a party–but the only glitch that could ruin the wedding would be if you, your fiance, or the officiant with the marriage license gets lost on the way there.

  76. That's Not My Job*

    I have a trip to Dublin coming up next month. This will be my first time outside the US and I’m a little overwhelmed. What do I need to know? What should I be doing to prepare? I welcome any and all advice.

    If it matters, we’ll arrive on a Friday and have a few free days before husband’s conference starts on Monday, then I’ll be on my own during the day until the following Friday. If possible, I’d like to go to Northern Ireland for a day because I have some family history there, but I have no idea if that’s difficult or not.

    1. Max Kitty*

      Dublin airport is one of the locations where, on your way out, you go through US Customs and Immigrations there rather than in the US when you land. So your flight back will be like a domestic flight. But it means you’ll want to leave a bit of extra time to do that when you’re heading out.

      Hope you have a great trip!

    2. Dear liza dear liza*

      I took a day trip up to Belfast from Dublin on Wild Rover Tours. The Black Taxi tour was fascinating. Highly recommended!

    3. charlatan*

      Public transportation is plentiful and easy to use and the island is small enough that you can go cross county in about three hours.

      I highly recommend visiting Giants Causeway in Northern Ireland (Bushmills).

    4. Kanade*

      I’ve been traveling internationally for awhile now, and here are the things I always recommend:
      1. A pen for writing customs/immigration forms in the plane
      2. To take pics of faucets/outlets at home so you don’t ruin your vacation with worrying
      3. Outlet adapter
      4. Pack as light as possible – you’re only there a week so you can definitely get by without a checked bag, unless you have special medical equipment or want to go super-light at the airport.
      5. International Driver’s Permit – get one, as most of Ireland is only accessible by car unless you book a tour.
      6. You can sometimes get great deals on big tourist attractions if you google, so definitely try that

      Northern Ireland is part of the UK, so with an American passport you’ll be totally fine immigration-wise to cross the border. Again, though, you’ll prob have to rent a car and drive yourself.

    5. NicoleK*

      We’re going to Ireland in a couple of weeks. If you’re planning to rent a car and need an automatic, look into reserving the car now. In Europe, automatics aren’t as plentiful and they cost more. Additionally, they drive on the opposite side of the road and the driver is on the opposite side of the car. It is something the driver will need to adjust to. Apart from the main roads, roads in Ireland are very small compared to the US.

      1. Dear liza dear liza*

        And give yourself time to get over jetlag before driving! I met people who went from red eye to Dublin, picked up a car, and went exploring immediately. It was not pretty.

    6. Falling Diphthong*

      1) The week before, call your bank and credit cards to alert them that you will be in Ireland. Nowadays the easiest way to get local currency is at an ATM with your bank card, but you don’t want using a card far from home to trigger any fraud alerts and get the card frozen.

      2) My well-traveled brother-in-law opines that wherever you go, they have stores–his version of twice the money, half the stuff. So concentrate on remembering things like prescription drugs or glasses, which are a pain to replace, and don’t worry about packing the perfect variety of clothes.

      3) Photocopy your passports, and keep the copy somewhere else.

      3b) Likely too late for this now, but when we had to renew the kids’ passports we got passport cards as well, and they were so useful that I got one when I had to renew this spring–it fits in a wallet, so much easier to carry around for identification. (You can go to Canada on it, and perhaps Mexico, but usually it’s as an addition, rather than alternative, to the passport book.) So your passport proper can be somewhere else, you can carry the card in case ID is required, and if your passport is stolen it’s much, much quicker to replace if you still have the card.

      1. Ender*

        Even better – scan in your passport and email it to yourself. You will have it forever until you delet it and can access it from any internet location.

    7. Madge*

      Car rental is expensive in Ireland and you will need to get the additional insurance. The coverage you’re used to having here doesn’t apply in Ireland. When driving on the “wrong” side of the road, it’s really easy to get confused when exiting a parking lot. Also, there are a lot of sheep everywhere and they don’t understand the concept of roads.

      Definitely go to a pub at least once and hear some live music.

      If you only use your debit card as an atm card, make sure the chip is working if you want to get cash while you’re there. Just test it at a store with a chip reader. Most atms here can read both a chip and a stripe but in Ireland they’re chip only. Shops and restaurants can read the stripe but banks only use the chip for security reasons. We had a broken chip but didn’t know it until we arrived in Ireland and we had to ration our cash the entire trip. And a back-up card is nice to have.

      Ireland is a great first trip outside the US. Everyone speaks English but you’ll hear Gaelic spoken in places and see it on all the signs. And the food and culture will feel pretty familiar but it’s still different from the US. I like to go to grocery stores and open air markets in foreign countries to get a feel for what people eat. A reusable shopping bag is a great, inexpensive souvenir that you’ll use all the time at home.

      1. That's Not My Job*

        Everyone is talking about rental cars, I was really planning on using public transportation and maybe an Uber here and there, is that not a good idea? I am so looking forward to the live music and Gaelic because I regularly listen to an Irish music Pandora station and have been practicing my Gaelic on Duolingo on and off for years now. I never would have thought of the reusable bag idea, that’s genius!

        1. WS*

          If you’re in the Dublin area you can definitely just stick to public transportation! There’s a huge amount to see right there, and if you want to go further afield, there’s regular (though not frequent) public transport to most towns. If you want to see the west coast, though, you’ll probably want to organise a coach tour in advance because it’s relatively remote and not well-served by public transport.

        2. Falling Diphthong*

          The internet says MyTaxi is the app of choice for Dublin.

          There is probably an app you can download for local public transport, too, based on my experience elsewhere in Europe. Probably easiest to ask at your hotel which one they like.

    8. ..Kat..*

      Try the podcast One Minute Irish. You can learn to say 10 important phrases. It helps break the ice with locals.

    9. Ender*

      If you haven’t already booked your flights you could consider flying direct to Belfast and flying home out of dublin (though depending on flights that might not make it any easier).

      If you are landing in Dublin I would say get a bus direct to Belfast from the airport – dublin airport is on the outskirts of dublin just off the road to Belfast so I’m sure there must be a bus from the airport to Belfast.

      In belfast check out the titanic exhibit and if you’re able to afford it stay in the titanic hotel – I stayed there once and it’s definitely a splurge but it’s awesome. Book afternoon tea there too if you’re that way inclined.

      I’m sure there’s tons of places you can research family history – most of that is online nowadays (the censuses back as far as 100 years ago definitely are).

      Giants causeway is also awesome in the north.

      I would say get back to Dublin at least a day before the conference so you can explore with your hubby for a day before he disappears on the conference. This will give you the confidence to go out alone when he’s in the conference (Dublin is a very safe city but it does have its bad areas like everywhere).

      The Guinness tour is repeatedly marked as one of the most popular in Ireland. Lots of touristy pubs are around the temple bar area and there’s loads of live music – good mix of tourists and locals.

      Have fun!

  77. Victoria, Please*

    I did something soooo stupid… On Thursday we went to a wine-tasting party and I drank, um, far too much. I was telling myself ahead of time not to do that, making wise resolutions, and still I did it. I didn’t behave badly — never got drunk, since the wine was over hours and hours with tons and tons of heavy food and plenty of water as well — but all day Friday I felt horrible. Today, Saturday, I still don’t feel great, and have zero motivation to do anything. I’m worried that maybe I even did myself an injury, could this be mild alcohol poisoning?!! To add insult, the scale registered a 3-lb gain over two days.

    Phoo.

    1. BRR*

      When I’ve had WAY too much to drink I have felt cruddy on the second day. Like exhaustion from being sick the day before.

    2. I'm A Little Teapot*

      The effects of alcohol can last for days. Plenty of water, and now you know not to drink that much again.

      1. Victoria, Please*

        Mercy, I knew not to drink that much before I did it! Did it anyway. Why do we do things like that?

        1. Lissa*

          I call it “reminding myself I’m not 21 anymore” anytime I do that! Once in awhile, these things happen… I once drank waaay too much on new year’s and felt weird for a week afterwards! What even…?

    4. Mimmy*

      Oh I can so relate to this! I’ve been trying to cut out drinking (or at least cut waaaaay back) for health reasons, but I participated in a wine tasting a couple weeks ago. It was all reds–I’m normally a white wine drinker–and I definitely felt it for several hours afterwards.

      I agree with Lissa – we forget that our bodies’ reaction to alcohol can change over the years, and we just want to enjoy ourselves. It’s definitely taken me awhile to take the hint.

    5. Courageous cat*

      I don’t think you can get alcohol poisoning if you weren’t drunk. It makes me think it may also be more the tons of heavy food that did it, if you weren’t feeling any effects of the alcohol.

  78. The New Wanderer*

    Looking for funny stories: What unintended influences have you had on your kids?

    I drive mine to school every day and I comment a lot about driving (my own, other cars, traffic, pedestrians, etc). My main victory is not swearing in front of them, but they definitely pick up on aspects of driving that … might not translate well if/when someone else drives them.

    At the moment they are upstairs playing “bad driver” right now, which mostly involves making fun of the other’s driving. The younger one thinks the word “pedestrian” is a bad word, or specifically means a really stupid person (I’m working to correct that!). And in the car, both will tell other cars to move on my behalf, which is endearing even though I usually have to explain that no, that car can’t go because our light is still red.

    1. PhyllisB*

      Not me, but a friend of mine. Her husband had a terrible habit of calling bad (in his opinion anyway) drivers. MF. Well, my friend scolded him constantly about it mainly because she didn’t want their 3 year old son to pick it up. Well, she was driving somewhere one day and somebody pulled out in front of her and the little boy yelled…”You, you MOMMY you!!”

  79. Dainty Lady*

    Last week or so I posted that owning a pool is a giant hassle — well, I urge the other commentor (I forget who it was) whose husband brings up having a pool to stand fast in refusing to have one! Sorry, this is a first-world rant.

    We had to have the pool drained because the water was at least 9 years old, loaded with phosphates, and the pool had basically become a farm pond. Turns out that our taking care of it for 9 years had led to serious chemical imbalance that damaged the plaster. So now we need an acid wash which will hopefully fix it but no guarantees, and a new filter. A job which was $600 has turned into nearly $3000. I supposed we’re lucky that we can get away with an acid wash and take the next 5-7 years to save up for a resurfacing, to the tune of $10K — if the drought situation where we live even allows for pools to exist by that time!

    The pool person is impressive, though; the AAM community would love him: knowledgeable, brisk, matter-of-fact, prompt, direct.

    Finally, an empty pool is creepy as all-get-out to look at!

    2. Enough*

      Knew a couple who just filled in the pool when told it would take $15000? to fix. I always wonder if new owners have ever found out that they threw a lot of junk in the pool before the dirt went in.u

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      Several years back I recall reading that in the US, more existing pools were filled in each year than new pools installed.

  80. Kanade*

    Things you wish you would’ve done during your first apartment hunt? Ways to tell if a roommate is gonna be good or bad?

    1. Extra vitamins*

      Looked ALL THE WAY behind all the curtains for things like moss growing indoors.

      Checked to make sure every single thing works- lights, windows, all the parts of the stove, etc. and if the landlord tries to rush you be prepared to walk away.

      I can’t advise about roommates, except to have expectations out front before you move in about money, noise levels, friends over, food, supplies, clutter and cleanliness.

    2. Chaordic One*

      If you live in a northern state, don’t get a first floor apartment if the building has a slab foundation. If you do, your apartment will be cold all winter long.

      Also, worry about the neighbors. When I first moved in I had great neighbors, but they moved away and the new neighbors smoked outside on their patio and the smoke blew into my open windows which drove me batty.

    3. EvilQueenRegina*

      I’d agreed to move in with someone for my final year of university, and casually mentioned it to one of her former roommates who I slightly knew. He immediately said not to do it because she was a nightmare. I later discreetly asked a mutual friend of theirs whether that was the case and she said she thought it was more a case of the personalities not gelling as roommates because of their different lifestyles.

      Yeah, turned out I should have listened to the first guy.

    4. Temperance*

      Get into a nonsmoking building if you can, and try for a top floor if you can. I learned the hard way when living beneath a single parent whose kid who throw himself out of bed and then run, stomping, across the floor at 5:00 a.m. every day.

      Smoking is just gross and if people smoke indoors, your stuff will reek, too.

      1. Julia*

        That’s exactly why I insisted on a top-floor apartment this time. Unfortunately, I only seem to live in countries where smoking inside one’s own apartment can’t be outlawed, but at least this time I only get a rare whiff if I leave the windows open, which I rarely do in summer because it’s too hot.

  81. Cat*

    So I just got a dog. He’s a little chihuahua and he’s just the sweetest thing though clearly still nervous and uneasy about his new surroundings (he’s a rescue and came from another shelter so we don’t know his history). I’m wondering how much I should be handling him right now. If I pick him up he seems happy and if I put him in my lap he’ll snooze there until I move. But he doesn’t jump in my lap on his own. Should I be getting him used to being handled or letting him take the lead?

    1. Green Kangaroo*

      No advice on the handling, but I will advise training not to do anything you wouldn’t tolerate from a large dog. So many people let their little dogs bark, jump, growl, etc. because they believe their harmless because they’re small.

      1. Thursday Next*

        This is great advice, particularly if you live in a population-dense area and/or an apartment building. Most of the medium to big dogs I see walking around the city are better behaved than small dogs. From a pedestrian’s or neighbor’s point of view, it’s essential to train any dog to behave well.

      2. Monty and Millie's Mom*

        Agree! I get that it’s easy to let little dogs get away with things – Millie is the first little dog I’ve ever had, and I am determined to train her right! But it’s hard! So this is a pep talk to myself, too – don’t give up! Stay strong!

    2. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Let him take the lead. He doesn’t seem to mind being picked up, so you’re good with that. Right now he’s just getting used to the lay of the land and his new life, and the next couple of weeks will be very up and down. Even then, rhythms may change. My dog (a much larger buddy) isn’t very cuddly, but sometimes he wants to be in my lap. If I try to coax him, I get immediate side-eye.

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      If he’s happy when you pick him up and promptly falls asleep in your lap, I’d say it’s good to keep doing that. Rather than have him take the lead, when he’s not sure what the rules are, you take the lead while paying close attention to his cues of what’s good and what’s scary.

      (My rescue dog, now one, is lying by my toes right now. We had to work on not eating shoes for far longer than with any of our other dogs, but he seems to have grasped it at last–inappropriate chewings are finally confined to accidentally collaborating with the parkouring kitten, who knocks things that are vaguely like his chew toys off of shelves, and then he finds them and eats them.)

    4. candide*

      I would get him used to being treated like a dog. Pretend he is a big dog and do all the things you’d do if you just adopted a pit bull or lab or doberman. Initial behavior when adopted is not necessarily indicative of future behavior. Both you and he are stressed right now. If he were my dog, I’d teach him to sit for anything and everything…. mealtime, attention, you name it. He doesn’t need to be in your lap unless you invite him, so don’t encourage him to jump up on his own. You don’t need to be one of those people who thinks that everything your dog does is about dominance, but dogs do better when you make the expectations clear in a way they can easily understand.

      1. Anono-me*

        Plus little dogs that like to jump onto laps without invitation, sometimes jump into laps of people as they are sitting down and get sat on.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Animals can telegraph what their former homes were like. The dog was probably ignored or punished for jumping on laps, maybe. Go with what works right now, it will change over time.
      Chihuahuas tend to run a little nervous. You might like to try something like lavender oil for calming, Put a little bit between the shoulder blades where it is hard to reach.
      Consistency is super important that helps them to acclimate quicker. Have meals and walks about the same time each day. Turkey is a downer and might help with calming. Having their own space is nice also. A dog bed in a corner or under a table might give him a sense of “denning” and be of comfort. Be aware of drafts when placing the bed. Then show him that “this is yours”. My old dog was very social but sometimes there were just too many people. He would lay down under the dining room table, that meant “leave me alone”. When he came out he was refreshed and back to being his usual self.
      Talk to him as often as possible. They learn a lot from tone of voice. It’s good to tell them what is coming up next: “Let’s get dinner” or “Let’s go for a ride”. He will probably learn these things quickly.

      My personal fav is to let the dog take naps with me. They learn what that is quickly and are usually ready to join in. This helps with calming and reassuring. I do find that if I let a dog sleep with me on the bed at night it seems to make it much, much harder to board them if I have to. Naps are more random.

  82. CPS*

    hi all- posted a couple weeks ago about having a neglect allegeation filed against us regarding our 6 year old, and just wanted to update folks. So everything turned out ok. Thanks to everyone who wrote with advice and insight. Where we live, reports that are considered not urgent are investigated by Child Welfare Services, and they can turn the case over to Child Protective Services, if they feel there is cause. So we were actually visited by CWS, not CPS. They detailed the allegations and we had a chance to respond to them. Basically, we sometimes will roughhouse and wrestle with our daughter, and she said something to someone (at camp, though we weren’t told specifically that) about it, and about being squeezed so hard that she couldn’t breathe (which is when we wrestle and she is laughing so hard). She also told someone that my husband punishes me by breaking my glasses – which I’m pretty sure came from a comment I made about how when he hugs me too tight, he smooshes my glasses and they get bent. They did also ask about why she was using a knife. And then they asked basic questions about discipline and punishment methods in our home, and outlined the neglect and endangerment laws in our area. They also explained about the concept of mandatory reporting, which was enlightening. The lady who came was not at all judgmental and very open. The whole thing took less than twenty minutes and the case against us was closed, but will remain on file for 18 months. I guess now that I’m on the other side, I can look at it a little more objectively and say that I can appreciate all the threads that are in place to help keep an eye out for my kids. So as ridiculous and worrisome as it all was, folks were just doing their job – a job that that I’m sure can be much harder than our case. Also- it makes me realize how observant my daughter is, and how I really need to be mindful of what I communicate to her, both verbally and non. Kids really pick up on so much.

    2. Melody Pond*

      Thanks for posting this update! Your original story had been on my mind, I’m glad to hear things turned out well.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      I love how thoughtful your post here is. Good for you, good for your child and good for the social worker here. I am glad this landed okay for you.

    6. Observer*

      I’m glad it worked out.

      And, yeah, kids hear more than we realize and it comes out in the strangest ways.

  83. PhyllisB*

    I posted this on Thursday but never saw it so am posting again. It’s my fault; I thought I was making a separate comment. Didn’t realize I was putting it in a thread it didn’t belong (sorry, Alison!!) Anyway, here goes. This is an update on a post from the Labor Day thread about my grand-son. Things are worst than I knew. My daughter called me at 6:00 am. Thursday to tell me that when he escaped from the juvenile center he and these boys staged a fight and when the security guard intervened, they beat him up and got away that way. And he stole another car. At his court date they didn’t charge him with the escape charges just his other charges. They are going to a psych evaluation on him on the 19th and then decide what to do. Depending on the results, they may charge him as an adult. One thing I couldn’t believe; the judge told him he would probably make the Guinness Book of World Records because he was the only person who ever successfully escaped the detention center twice. Isn’t that a nice thing to say to a troubled kid who already thinks he’s a badass?

    1. Nines*

      Oh no… what was that judge thinking?!
      I hope your grandson gets some help with whatever may be going on with him! I can’t imagine how hard that would be to watch. =/

      1. Not So NewReader*

        It could be the judge’s way of saying that she realizes your GS is proud of himself. I would assume that she will pick up on this later and it will be a part of how she makes her decision. So her decision could go something like, “Since X and Y have been tried and those things do not work for you, then we are going to try W and Z.”

        From what I have seen, the psych eval is followed up with counseling. The case may seem to drag on. What is actually happening is that legal folks are trying to get him to stay in counseling and get help. They know the jails are not rehabilitative. So the threat will be go to counseling, actively participate or face the real consequences of what you have done. In short, I think you will see that the courts and prosecutor are trying to keep him out of jail also. If the case drags on and on, it’s probably a good thing.

        1. PhyllisB*

          Not that it matters, but the judge is male. Yes, I know just locking him up is not the answer, but I also know he can’t just be allowed to run away and steal cars and guns and whatever. He’s been ordered to attend and participate in counseling several times but he will not talk to them. I really hope we can get some answers this time. I think you are correct that if this drags on and on it’s probably a good thing.
          My daughter is adamant that there is sexual abuse that occurred. He is equally adamant that no such thing happened. I don’t know. And unless he opens up about whatever the issue is he will never be helped.

          1. Ender*

            I know it’s impossible to tell from such little info, but my gut is telling me your daughter is right about there being abuse in his past. This is the behaviour of a seriously troubled person. Unfortunately if he won’t engage with a counsellor there’s very little anyone else can do for him. Will he talk to anyone?

            Sadly I know a few guys who were abused as kids (various types of abuse) and very few of them actually dealt with it and live healthy adult lives. Most are addicted to weed (actually addicted, not just a joint a day). One is homeless despite having been given housing by the government he instead chooses to sleep rough, and another is in jail.

            This is going to sound really tongue in cheek – but it’s really not. Maybe buy him some dope? Better to be a stoner than spend your life in jail. Obviously I would not usually recommend giving drugs to a teenager, but if he’s not able to deal with it in any other way, it might be the best option.

            1. Temperance*

              This is terrible advice. Kid has a record and is on probation. They’ll drug test him, and he’ll do harder time for the drugs than he will for any of the violent felonies he’s committed.

              I was abused, too, and shockingly did not turn into a criminal. Abuse doesn’t make people criminals, no matter the type.

              2. Kj*

                Abuse doesn’t make people criminals, but many kids in the justice system were abused. Being abused can warp perceptions of appropriate behaviors. For some folks, they get help or find nonviolent ways to deal. I’m glad you did. But it is shockingly inaccurate to state that abuse isn’t cooralated to being in the justice system at a young age. Obviously it is not causation, but it is a factor in many cases.

            2. Observer*

              That’s a really, really bad idea. Not everyone reacts well to pot. And getting a kid hooked on a substance that is still illegal (and it doesn’t matter that it should not be that way) is not likely to keep him out from behind bars. Especially since he doesn’t seem to have the ability to get what he wants without mayhem of some sort. And on top of that, most of what we know about how this stuff works is geared to adults. What we do know about the long term effects on teens is not terribly reassuring.

            3. PhyllisB*

              Seriously, if I thought dope would help I might go along with that although I am seriously anti-drug. (I’m not talking about medical use, that’s a different issue) but two things: he’s underage (15) under court jurisdiction so subject to drug tests, AND this is totally illegal in our state. Besides, he’s ADD and I don’t know what he’s taking to deal with this, or if he’s taking anything at all. As the grand-parent of the non-guardian parent we are not privy to any details.

          2. Not So NewReader*

            Here’s hoping this counselor breaks through. Maybe she will say, “Tell me what is going on and save yourself some harsh consequences.”
            The judge is on to the fact that the kid is smug. Hopefully, the judge has ordered drug testing also.

            Your story here is resonating with me about the sexual abuse. Family member was a difficult teen, very difficult. By 16 he was out of the house and gone. Fast forward, here I am 40 years later and I am reading on line about sexual abuse in our church- the actual parish we went to. I had suspected that Family Member had been molested by priests. And now I read the priests drugged their victims. This could explain Family Member’s huge interest in drugs. It’s a reach for me to speculate like this but the timing and proximity of the crimes are in alignment with my Family Member’s acting out. The stories from my church show victims who blanked it out, had no memory and then suddenly remembered years later.

            I dunno what happened to my family member and I will probably never find out. One thing in favor of your GS is that the prosecuting attorney is probably aware of the many sex abuse cases and he may piece it together himself.

            1. PhyllisB*

              You know, Reader, I mentioned to my daughter that he may have suppressed memories. It just occurred to me; is hypnotism a valid therapy tool or just hocus pocus? I realize at his age there would have to be parental consent, and not everyone is a good subject, but if it might help, I will suggest it. Like I said, we are not in the loop, so I am just trying to think of ways to help him. Not help him avoid consequences, but ways to actually help him.

              1. Not So NewReader*

                I don’t place a lot of stock in hypnotism. I guess some people do? I do know that some people cannot be hypnotized, but I don’t know why that is. I guess I see hypnotism as a last chance resort.

        1. PhyllisB*

          One more thing: my daughter told me yesterday that he got off on the adrenaline rush of doing this stuff. And that when somebody mentions something he can’t say no. I don’t know. I tend to think he’s the ring leader in this stuff. Well, we will just have to wait and see what happens. I will update when I have something to say. Thank you all for caring and giving input.

  84. Nervous Accountant*

    So I have the day “off” tomorrow in that I have free reign to do whatever I want. No errands or chores (unless I choose so).

    What do I want to do?

    Go…to the office…… -_-

  85. OyHiOh*

    The kind of disconcerting, “minor” infraction that female presenting humans deal with regularly. The sort of things that are so slight they barely seem real or believable, yet change your opinion of someone significantly.

    A few days ago, I went to a local elections event. The various candidates for a specific office basically speed dated with voters – voters sat, candidates moved from table to table. It was a pretty good event overall and I really appreciate the organization that hosted it for thinking of the idea. Anyway, about the 3rd or 4th candidate to come around to our table sat next to me. There’s four of us asking questions, seems to be going well. And then I realize he’s scooted a couple inches closer to me.
    I shift away.
    He scoots closer.
    Huh, well, that’s annoying.
    I move again. So does he.
    By this time, I’m basically not listening to him at all because I’m busy trying not to get my personal space invaded. Shifted from sitting shoulder to shoulder to 90 degree angle, facing him more head on. He stops moving.
    What really bothers me about this is that on paper, he’s one of the better qualified candidates for the office in question. But I can’t think about him sitting in that office without thinking about small, plausibly deniable encrochments. How many woman has he done this to over his career? How many women have walked away from him wondering if he really did just do that or if it was all in their head.

    1. Nobody Special*

      Oh I do wish you had said to him, “excuse me, you keep moving closer to me even when I move away. Please stop that.”

      1. ..Kat..*

        I like this – direct, not rude, objectively names the behavior you don’t like, says what you want.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        Yep, this. Don’t cover up people’s bad behavior. If you try to quietly handle something and that does not work then say it out loud. That is on him, not you.

    2. ..Kat..*

      I have had this happen to me in creepy ways. But, I wonder if a campaign manager told him that this was a good thing – get close to people physically and they will like you more. I would have tried to observe whether he did it to other people, and if it was just women.

      1. Observer*

        If his campaign manager told him to do this, and he just went ahead and did it, that is STILL a problem – perhaps an even bigger problem. Moving close the first time is one thing. But the repeated scooting is another whole kettle of fish. And if he’s trusting someone who thinks that that kind of creepiness is a good idea, well that doesn’t speak well of his judgement.

    3. Anon for this*

      I would wonder if he couldn’t hear everyone, in a crowded room with many other conversations going on. He didn’t touch you and I understand that you got the creepy vibe. But I have gotten that vibe occasionally from hard of hearing people when I wasn’t at first aware of it. The fact that it stopped when you turned to face him made me think of this.

        1. Zona the Great*

          But it also screams creepy invader to those of us who deal with this slight of hand on a daily basis. He would just need to say he’s hard of hearing. Invading someone’s space is not okay no matter the condition.

          1. fposte*

            Especially if you’re a candidate for political office. It’s really inadvisable to have indistinguishable-from-creeper behavior going on with people whose vote you’re trying to win.

            And honestly, I think HOH people would benefit from using their words in that situation even running for political office or no. Isolation is one of the sad accompaniments to hearing problems, and behavior that makes it difficult for people to back away is going to end up making that worse, not better.

        2. Observer*

          That’s a pretty lame excuse. If you can’t hear SAY SO. Maybe ask the person you are talking with to face you, whatever. Don’t just keep on invading someone’s space and expect them to be ok with it.

          1. LCL*

            No. It’s not a lame excuse, it is a physical reality for a lot of us. OP was squicked out, I’m not telling OP how to feel. But being in a noisy setting and moving your chair closer is normal behavior for many people, hearing impaired and not. Most people, if they can’t hear, don’t say something first. Most lean in or move closer. We are running into a generational attitude divide here: us olds were taught that you don’t ask others to accommodate you first, you who need the accomodations make the change. I’m not saying this is right or that it helps people with impairments, because it doesn’t. It’s really offensive to me, and I’m not easily offended, that people who weren’t there are immediately jumping to ‘creeper’.

            1. Zona the Great*

              I really need to know how many times you’ve had someone not take very clear hints only to have them continue to violate your personal space. We didn’t immediately jump to creeper; we responded to our friend here saying s/he was uncomfortable because of her space being continually violated. And for the record, moving closer to someone who doesn’t want you to is not a reasonable accommodation no matter the condition. The speaker could have chosen a different forum to reach his constituents.

  86. Melody Pond*

    Home improvement adventures!

    Let me just start off by saying – people with actual houses? I don’t know how the heck you do it (deal with all the work involved, especially if you’re trying to aim for a cohesive decor plan). I live in a 560 square foot studio condo, and I’m feeling pretty wiped out with the amount of work I’ve been putting into our decor/functionality lately.

    So, a month or so ago, I woke up one day and decided I’d had it with our cheap Ikea day bed that had been functioning as our couch and spare guest bed. That day, we went out and got a $50 sleeper sofa on Craigslist, and I’ve been regularly working on changing/updating/improving things in our condo ever since. I’ve done a LOT, and I’m feeling kinda proud of myself, so I wanted to write it all out. Here’s the full list:

    – Bought the Craiglist sleeper sofa
    – Borrowed my mother’s carpet shampooer with an upholstery attachment to clean it
    – Got a slipcover for it
    – Bought a fake leather storage ottoman/bench through Craigslist (we have a Murphy bed, and it’s the perfect amount of space to store our bed pillows when the Murphy bed is up)
    – Used a leather repair kit to patch some of the areas on the storage ottoman where the bonded leather had come off
    – Gave away one of our two Ikea comfy chairs, rearranged the remaining one to create a nice little “sitting area” in our condo, near to the sofa
    – Found an awesome piece of furniture at Goodwill – it’s like a credenza or a short, lengthy shelving unit? It’s got cubes in it that fit those Ikea cubes perfectly, except it’s much nicer; it’s been great for storage and decor, and it fits next to the sofa perfectly
    – Bought myself a nice used dresser from a consignment store (I’d lost a bunch of clothing storage when we got rid of the day bed), squeezed it into the closet
    – Gave our old black/brown Ikea Expedit shelf to a friend who was sorely in need of some living room storage, and got a new white Ikea Kallax shelf in its place, with some pretty storage boxes that match our decor (I’m trying to get rid of the black decor and move to a navy/cream/white theme)
    – We kind of hacked the new white Kallax shelf – we only put the shelving in for 4 of the 8 cubes it would normally have, and then using the other shelving pieces, with my grandpa’s help in his woodworking shop, we made a little computer stand to go in the mostly open top half.
    – Grandparents gave us a free pretty mirror, which will take up some empty wall space above the new Goodwill credenza/shelving unit.
    – I made over two crappy Goodwill bar stools we’d had forever. Sanded down the wood and painted the wood parts white (omg that was so much work – I don’t think I like DIY projects that much!), ordered new seat covers
    – We changed how our bikes are stored in our place – gave away the less stable, free-standing bike gravity rack, and installed more permanent vertical bike storage that creates more space.
    – I bought a used sink for $20 at a local non-profit that has donated building/home improvement supplies – the sink has a much better setup than our old one.
    – I did spring for a brand-new high quality Kohler pull-down faucet (seemed like the kind of thing where it’d be best not to buy used)
    – Today, after the new (used) sink had been sitting in the middle of our floor for a few weeks, Mr. Pond and I finally installed it and our new faucet, and rearranged the plumbing pipes under our kitchen sink – it’s SO much better than it was before, so much more space under the sink! We’ll be able to put a real garbage can under the sink now! Plus the sink is way better (can fit our big pots/pans), and the faucet is awesome.

    Still on the (short-term) to-do list:
    – Get rid of old sink and faucet (donate it, probably to the same place where I got the new sink)
    – Replace the foam in the seat cushions of the Craigslist sofa, to something more firm/supportive, less squishy
    – Re-stuff the back cushions of the Craigslist sofa
    – Replace the crappy hide-a-bed mattress with a decent foam/memory foam sleeper sofa mattress
    – Add the new slipcover to the sofa
    – Add some new throw pillow covers to improve decor scheme
    – I love knitting, so I’m going to knit a couple of nice throw blankets for the sofa and remaining comfy chair
    – Maybe going to put some prettier contact paper over our (black) Murphy bed
    – Add a couple of wall sconce lights

    I’m feeling so wiped out, but I’m also really proud of what I’ve accomplished, especially given that I’ve tried to buy most things used or thrifted, and then change them up to suit my tastes. Most of the changes have been functional as well decorative, and it feels like our space is working for us better now. But it’s been so much work! I know that in the scheme of things, this is way less than the work most homeowners have to do – I don’t know how you “real” homeowners do it!

    2. Not So NewReader*

      It feels so good, doesn’t it?
      I think it takes a life time to make a house your own. That is in part because needs change every 7-10 years so you make changes around the house and to the structure of the building. There is a saying, “You don’t buy a house, you buy the right to take care of it for as long as you own it.” And I think that is pretty accurate. We are never done working on our houses.

      1. Melody Pond*

        That’s a really interesting perspective, and I think it makes a lot of sense! And you’re right, there’s a lot of thrill just in having complete ownership/creative control over your space and making it work for you. That’s definitely been my experience, anyway.

    3. Loopy*

      That is crazy impressive!! I’ve never even attempted any major living space improvement and definitely not coherent decor. The extent I did was to create a reading room in our sunniest room and use the twin to make a day bed to sit on. My decor was random pillows of things I like (Harry Potter and Game of Thrones) with some Funko Pops scattered around the room. So I am really impressed by all your work!

      And I feel like it’s so tied to quality of living to have a space you really love to come home to so that so great you’re making it happen!

      Also, I live in a “real” house and we just haven’t done anything yet. At all. It still has the bland off white new-house wall paint. Fiance’s been here for something like 6-7 years sooooo. Yeah.

      1. Melody Pond*

        Thanks! I think a big chunk of the work has been the fact that I try not to send anything to the landfill – I try to give the stuff away whenever possible. And you’re right, there’s a big quality of living aspect of having tailored your living space to your needs.

        I still don’t feel like I’m any good at decorating, honestly. I have a younger sister who IS quite good at that kind of thing, and I’ve had several FaceTime sessions with her, trying to brainstorm what to do with colors/patterns/textures. But most of the changes have been functional as well as somewhat decorative, and I’m pretty proud of that.

        I’m looking forward to being done, at least with the short-term list. There’s a longer term list as well, that would require saving up more money to have professionals help us – put in hardwood floors, tile floors in the bathroom, tile backsplash in the kitchen, white moulding/trim and white interior doors, painting the bathroom, and painting the kitchen cabinets navy.

        Although – I’ve just realized that that magical nonprofit store for used building materials, does have a ton of tile, interior doors, and moulding/trim. Soooo, even though I’m kind of tired of the DIY stuff, it might be worth it to save the money (and the environment!) on used materials from that store, when we’re ready for that step.

    4. Aurora Leigh*

      Oh that’s awesome! Bf and I recently combined households and we have a laundry list of things to do his house.

      He bought a fixer upper a few months before we started dating. It’s about 1000 sq feet, so it feels a bit bit cramped for the 2 of us, our 3 cats, and 1 75lb dog!

      So far I’ve just repainted the living room (that was my condition for moving in, the old color was hideous and made the room feel like a cave).

      And we’re getting replacement windows before winter — so excited! The rooms will hopefully be much warmer!

      The kitchen is the project we plan to tackle first. I got a great deal on cabinets on Craigslist. They need a paint job, but I got all the cabinets for $250, including a big utility cabinet! We need to rip out old drywall and plaster, redo the wiring, put in new insulation, new flooring, a different light fixture . . . luckily we have a warehouse resale type place where we hope to get some deals. And we plan to do most of the work ourselves with help from friends and family.

      1. Melody Pond*

        Wow, that’s great, getting the cabinets through Craigslist! I love that approach to finding building supplies.

    5. Slartibartfast*

      Consider spray paint for the Murphy bed. You probably won’t need more than a light sanding for prep and it’ll be a much nicer finish than the contact paper. You will need a good area to do it though, the overspray geys everywhere.

  87. ..Kat..*

    Sigh. Long day at w*** Saturday. Another tomorrow. I need a Dopameanie thread. Or, just tell me your latest funny joke.

    1. Bibliovore*

      Two cannibals are eating a clown.
      One turns to the other and says:
      “Does this taste funny to you?”

      1. heckofabecca*

        asdaghtfglij; oh my god XD XD XD

        One I used recently was when my BIL was decanting red wine for dinner on Friday: “I decant wait!” It’s sadly very occasion-specific but I love it :P

        Kat, I hope your long day today isn’t too arduous!

    2. Aurora Leigh*

      This one was told my the speaker at an event about the history of women’s underwear:

      What did one old lady boob say to the other?

      If we droop any further, people will think we’re nuts.

      There was a silence, then everyone got it and started laughing.

    3. KayEss*

      What did the zero say to the eight? Nice belt!

      Did you hear that Norway has started putting barcodes on their ships? It’s so that when they all return to port, they can… Scandinavian. (Eh? Eh? :D)

      When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent! (I’ll just show myself out…)

      2. Monty and Millie's Mom*

        My husband LOVES the Scandinavian joke, oh my word, he told it SO MANY TIMES after he first heard it!!!

  88. Villanelle*

    Congratulations to Naomi Osaka of Japan to win her first slam title! She is the first Japanese player in singles to do so. I hope it’s the first of many more to come.

  89. Chocolate Teapot*

    There are multiple washing line hoggers in my building’s laundry room today. Why on earth does somebody need a whole line to dry shirts?

    And somebody else who needs another whole line for socks and underwear. Which has been there for a few days and so should be dry.

    1. Chaordic One*

      If the clothes have been there a few days, I’d go ahead and take them down. Leave them on a table or on top of the dryer if possible, not on the floor. Leave them flat, or if you’re up to it, you might even fold them. Don’t throw them into a wad, no matter how tempting.

  90. Bibliovore*

    Service to my marriage.
    So for the last 6 weeks, 5 weekends have been spent in service to my marriage- doing things the husband wants to do and being a good sport. No whining, good cheer etc. His friends of thirty years, hosting his family at our house, traveling hours in the car to be with his family “at the lake”. True I wasn’t miserable, but it also wasn’t the “best of times” I have been looking forward to a quiet weekend at home. Sitting on the porch. Writing. Reading. Getting ready for the week. Just now he suggested traveling an hour in the car this afternoon to see a local band he loved in high school (really- the rockers must be over 70. they had one big local hit) I said, is this something you can do without me? The man can guilt a lamp.
    I am working next weekend. The weekend after I am traveling. The weekend after we have out of town guests. The weekend after I am working. The weekend after we have guests. The weekend after I am working. The weekend after I am traveling. I am exhausted thinking about it.

    Can I just say no thank you?

    2. SemiRetired*

      Yes. You could perhaps suggest a weekend where you both do things you want to do. As for the rockers, tho, all the best ones are in their 70s, so that would not be a negative in my book.

      1. Bibliovore*

        yes, that is true. Stones etc. Mostly I was thinking that I didn’t know their songs or music and it would be like going to his 50th high school reunion. Been there. Done that.

    3. Loopy*

      Please do! I can’t imagine this. I usually need one me weekend every other week to recharge. It is TOTALLY reasonable. And the things you were looking forward to do sound so lovely and relaxing.

    4. UtOh!*

      My husband goes by himself to his family events or other things he enjoys that I don’t (or can’t attend). No guilt whatsoever because I do plenty for him as well. We all need downtime, and for me I need a LOT of it and he knows that so he doesn’t push. I have never felt guilty, ever, because it’s what I need to do for me to be a pleasant person to live with!

    5. Clever Name*

      I have what feels like a weird question. I’m somewhat recently divorced wow, that’s really not cool that your husband is guilting you. You are allowed to put yourself first. You’ve been making a lot of sacrifices for him lately, and it’s perfectly reasonable to have a “you” weekend, and he needs to understand that. Does he realize what a burden it is for you to always to his things with him? Does he ever do stuff with you that he doesn’t really want to do? I think most men want to make their women happy. Perhaps he thinks you love doing all that stuff with him, so it would be good to speak up and say while do don’t really enjoy that stuff, but you go with him because you love him, and that it would make you really happy to be able to do your own thing this weekend. If after hearing that he still guilts you into going, we’ll, that’s a different topic.

        1. Bibliovore*

          Turns out that “no” is a complete sentence. I suggested that he go with his brother and he said that he would rather spend the day with me. (I may have been projecting the guilt)
          We did a short visit with friends then grocery shopping. He let me listen to the Garth Brooks channel on the radio instead of the “talking heads political radio” (that IS service as country music is not his jam)
          The dog food is cooking in the Insta pot. I have all the fixing for a new dinner that I have never made before- roasted eggplant, peppers, corn and mint with ricotta cheese. (Melissa Clark, What’s for Dinner) The neighborhood is quiet and I am on the back porch with the dog and a new book, Dream Country by Shannon Gibney. Mr. is off on a bike ride. Doesn’t get better than this.

    6. Stellaaaaa*

      It sounds like he’s not stopping to think that you don’t always want to do everything with him, but it also sounds like you haven’t actually told him how you feel. All he can go by is your actions, and your actions are telling him that you’re enjoying doing all of this with him.

  91. Anona*

    I would just be honest and say that you’ve been busy for the past few weekends and will be busy for the next the next few, but you’re going to take down time today, since you’ve been looking forward to it.

    If he wants to still go, he can. Maybe he could consider inviting a friend if he really wants company. But I’d be direct and firm about how you need this break.

  92. AvonLady Barksdale*

    Happy New Year to those who are celebrating! I am making a caramelized onion and mushroom kugel right now and the house smells sulfurous, but I know it will eventually become delicious. Looking forward to a dinner with friends and some days of reflection. I hope this year brings us more of all of these things: good food, good friends, good (physical and mental) health.

    1. HannahS*

      Same to you! The holidays have crept up on me this year; I don’t feel ready at all. But that’s how years pass, I guess! I’m trying to think of some (reasonable) resolutions, and I’m going to aim for better time management this year and investing in community-building and my new friends in my new city. Shana Tova!

    3. Bluebell*

      Shana tovah to you as well! We are joining friends for dinner tonight- I’m bringing a kale, fennel and tomato dish. I just learned today that my sister will be coming to our house Monday night. And lots of synagogue time Monday and Tuesday.

    4. DrTheLiz*

      Shanah tovah umetukah :) I do enjoy making honeycake cupcakes and bribing people to like me :P

      I suppose my resolution would be to get myself back on track, mentally. Finishing my doctorate was brutal, and I’d love to be able to settle into a job and be baseline, even-keeled me for a while.

    5. Nana*

      Not here often, but extending wishes for peace, happiness and good health in the coming new year to one and all. [And, I’ve always liked the idea of the new year starting in September!]

    6. Jean (just Jean)*

      Thank you for starting this thread! Happy New Year to you too and all others celebrating. May we have a year of health and happiness, with time for reflection not only during the holidays but also throughout the year. And may the whole world find a greater measure of peace and justice.

  93. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

    DIY weekend brunch unexpected mash-ups:
    Today, I made scrambled eggs with leftover tuna casserole (tuna, green beans, cheddar, celery, lentils, turkey bacon) with a splash of sriracha. Unexpectedly yummy.

    Anybody else have unexpected breakfast mash-ups, leftovers repurposed recipes?

  94. One pot meal*

    What’s your favorite one-pot meals? Trying to streamline the food I take to work, making a bigger pot of something that I can carry easily in one container.

    1. HannahS*

      Stews. Usually something with protein (legumes but sometimes chicken), a starch (potatoes, barley, etc.), and some vegetables. Bean and barley, potato/leek/white bean, chicken soup with hominy, tomato-lentil with bread on the side, etc.

    2. Overeducated*

      Quiche transports well and is good at room temperature. Whenever i make it I ask myself why i don’t make it more often. Pasta salad is also easy and flexible in hot weather.

      Bean stews make great one pot meals with leftovers – I like many varieties of chili, white bean soup with ham, greens, and mustard, black beans, and red lentil soup or dal, with or without rice or bread on the side. The Smitten Kitchen Every Day cookbook has a “pizza beans” casserole recipe I’m nuts for, and Melissa Clark has Moroccan chickpea stew for instant pot or slow cooker that’s very good.

      Also homemade mac and cheese or baked ziti make pretty good work lunches! And you can add meat and vegetables to baked ziti and have it remain recognizable.

    3. thenun*

      It’s not healthy by any means but the one pot chicken ranch pasta from damn delicious is really yummy and super easy to make. Also heats up well in the microwave.

    4. CAA*

      I do a chicken and rice dish that’s super easy. I’ve even made it on a camp stove.

      – Skin some chicken parts and put them in a plastic bag or bowl with lemon zest and juice, oregano (dried or fresh), minced garlic and salt. Let it marinate for however long you have, but I usually do this in the morning in order to cook it for dinner.
      – Brown the chicken in olive oil and then put it on a plate. (Don’t cook it through, just get the outside looking nice.)
      – Saute a chopped onion in the same pan.
      – Add rice and just enough liquid to cook it. I usually use 1 c white rice and 2 c canned chicken stock, but you can sub brown rice, wild rice mix, replace part of the stock with water or white wine, etc. Put the partially cooked chicken back on top of the rice. Cover and cook until the rice is done. If it’s too soupy at the end, cook it with the cover off until the excess liquid has evaporated.
      – Stir in some parsley and a little more lemon juice.

      This is endlessly variable. You can change the seasoning on the chicken to cumin and add some tomato paste to the rice give it more of a Mexican flavor. You can use dried coriander, limes and cilantro instead of oregano, lemon and parsley. Add chopped carrots with the onion, or stir in some peas near the end, or add some orzo or other small pasta with the rice.

    5. Julianne (also a teacher)*

      Budget Bytes has tons of one pot/one skillet meals. The beef and mushroom stroganoff, yellow rice chicken skillet, and creamy sun-dried tomato pasta are particular favorites at our house. Her chicken and dumplings (a slow cooker recipe) is also in heavy rotation during fall and winter.

      Link: https://www.budgetbytes.com/22-fast-easy-one-pot-meals/ or search the website for “one pot.”

    6. Stellaaaaa*

      Try different kinds of meatballs (beef, turkey) in different kinds of sauces (traditional tomato, balsamic dressing, fruit glazes).

    7. L-cJ*

      Shepherd’s Pie? it’s not one pot to make but it is one dish to carry and it freezes and reheats beautifully

    8. Victoria Nonprofit (USA)*

      I have a variation on a burrito bowl for lunch every day. My “recipe” (which makes five large servings; I just bring it in a large tupperware to work and scoop out my lunch each day):

      1# grilled blackened chicken breasts from the Whole Foods deli
      1 can black beans, rinsed
      1 bag frozen fire-roasted corn
      1 red pepper and 1 small sweet onion, sauteed in 1/2 tablespoon of avocado oil
      1 large container of Whole Foods pico de gallo
      Lime juice, if it seems dry.

      I eat it with about an ounce of guacamole. Yummmm.

      (Of course, this could be made more inexpensively by cooking the chicken yourself and making the pico de gallo yourself. But I’m lazy.)

  95. The Person from the Resume*

    I have a first date today with a woman I met on an online dating app. Actually I met her on TWO online dating apps. I’m a lesbian. I jumped over from HER to Bumble (while bored at work) and she had the same cover photo on both apps as do I.

    Looking forward to it. I broke up with my first girlfriend about a year ago. Started trying online dating again in January. This is the 5th (IIRC) person I’m meeting for a date. It’s been slow going, but I’m going to keep trying. And some friends think I’m the person to ask about online dating b/c I do it so well!!!

      1. Ender*

        Although if you’re a fan of ground coffee you might not like arabica because most machine coffee is really bitter and arabica isn’t.

  98. FD*

    I know I’m a bit late, but I tried this recipe I found for that mushroom and onion soup they make at Japanese steakhouses in the US (no idea how authentically Japanese it is). It came out AMAZING, though I found it tasted better if I cooked the mushrooms in a pan first. I also am a wimp about spice so I omitted the sriracha.

    Link to follow in the next post for anyone else who wants to try making it!

    2. Bowserkitty*

      That soup is AMAZING!!!! Admittedly I haven’t seen it here in Japan just yet but it’s only been a monthish since I got here.

    4. Square Root Of Minus One*

      Wow, will be trying it, and others on the blog too. Thanks for the link ! We have something similar in our Japanese restaurants (in Europe) and I’m very interested to have that at home.
      (Caveat : maybe I’ll try to cut down the salt though. More than 1g per serving… ow.)

  99. Bowserkitty*

    Went out Friday night for my coworker friend’s birthday party. Didn’t get home and in bed until 3am and had to wake up again at 8:30 to start my busy Saturday (-_-) I’m getting too old for this shit but….it’s fun so long as I get a full weekend to recover. lol

    I love Japan but I hate how everyone seems to smoke when they drink. There were about 10 of us and only me and another girl weren’t smoking and my eyes still feel dry.

    Anyway, found out that while I may not have gotten Labor Day, I will get two three day weekends in a row starting this next weekend! Wahoo!

    1. Julia*

      Indoor smoking in Japan can really take the fun out of things. I’m super sensitive to smoke and just refuse to enter establishments that permit it, but I guess with a big group that’s not always doable.
      By the way, do you want to join our Tokyo meetup?

    2. StudentA*

      I’m “too old” and I party any way! I skip the smoking and drinking though. And sometimes I go to work the next day! But I never seem to regret it. I definitely love being around my friends, joking, laughing, dancing, whatever :)

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