weekend free-for-all – November 17-18, 2018

by Alison Green on November 17, 2018

We are the new cats!

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: Evergreen Tidings from the Baumgartners, by Gretchen Anthony. A very misguided matriarch grapples with change in her family while writing cheerful Christmas letters.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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{ 1,262 comments }

{ 1,262 comments… read them below }

  1. Kate*

    This might sound like a weird question, but here it goes.

    I feel like I am getting dumber. My mind feels like it is foggy all the time, and I swear I don’t make connections as quickly as I used to. In meetings, rather than being able to think on my feet (very much the culture), more and more I have a preference for hearing what is said and coming back a few days later having had time to actually think about things. I find myself needing to make lists for EVERYTHING, otherwise really basic stuff like my credit card or my bus pass gets forgotten, or I’ll remember our vacation dates a day off the actual dates.

    I can’t tell if this is normal (a feature of modern life with smartphones?), if it’s just a feature of this season of my life (small kids, high stress period of my career, etc.) or if this is something that requires an actual diagnosis.

    Help?

    1. Junior Dev*

      Are you getting enough sleep?

      Are you dealing with any new stressors or responsibilities?

      If it’s not either of those things, maybe a visit to the doctor is in order, get a physical check up and test for vitamin deficiencies.

    2. The Principal of the Thing*

      I feel like you’re describing me at the moment! I’m also much more distractable and I’m not sure if it’s my more distracting workplace or something else.

      I’m trialling some diet changes but am only a week in, so too early to tell if that will make a difference, but it was suggested to me that cutting back on refined sugars might help, so that may work for you, too. :)

    3. Not Australian*

      Depending on where you are in the world, you might want to consider a SAD light … I started using one after discovering that I had brain fade in London in November but was a lot smarter 24 hours later in Sydney. It’s amazing how much difference light levels can make to mental function!

    4. Anon attorney*

      Yes to checking out sleep and nutrition patterns and getting a physical. Also, have you suffered any losses in recent years? Grief affects cognitive performance. I’m grieving a fairly recent loss and I feel like I’ve lost 20 IQ points, but I’m told that it’s normal and temporary.

    5. Asenath*

      I’d look at stress as a cause. I’ve been more forgetful in recent months – and I can’t really trust myself to remember things I used to automatically juggle so that they all get done. And, not so coincidentally, I’ve had a lot of worries since the new year – sometimes fading into the background, sometimes flaring up, but still there. Doing the usual self-help stuff like resting and eating properly and keeping up with excercise and hobbies or outside interests help. So does not stressing myself out even more by worrying that I sometimes forget things even with workarounds like lists. Be kind to yourself.

    6. LibbyG*

      My kids are now 4 & 7, and I feel like I’m emerging from a foggy headed phase during their younger years. Sleep interruptions and that constant responsiveness at home took a toll on cognition and also my mood. Getting back to regular exercise helped clear the cobwebs.

      I hope you can feel more like your regular self soon!

      1. The New Wanderer*

        Yes, this is my situation too. I have more foggy days now than I used to, and I’ve learned I need to write things down if I want to be sure to remember them. And then remember that I wrote the things down so I actually read the list. I feel like I’m just as sharp on mental tasks from Sudoku to learning programming when I focus, but if I try to remember to do 5 things before leaving the house, I will only get 4 of them reliably. I think it’s because kid-related things take up a larger share of my brain bandwidth, and differently, than they used to as it’s changed from basic survival mode to managing schools and extra-curriculars.

        Bad sleep will absolutely compromise both your memory and your cognitive processing, whether it’s one really bad night or a series of 6-7 hrs/night sleep when you need 8. And regular exercise is known to improve memory and cognition, so that’s important too. (Something I definitely need to work on!)

    7. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      This is me, minus the kids. Getting adequate sleep definitely helps, and I find I feel mentally sharper on days that I run. I was concerned enough a few years ago to get a physical, but it revealed no abnormalities. Good luck!

    8. Falling Diphthong*

      It could literally be any of those things. Switching to a more reflective style of information processing doesn’t necessarily mean anything more than “isn’t it interesting how we change as we grow older.”

      Forgetting lots of stuff, though–I had that as a drug reaction to the first blood pressure medication I tried. About a week or so in I drove over a wooden bridge, thought “That’s not the right sound for driving to the bank–where AM I?” (answer–not on a road I routinely take anywhere) and after I managed to course correct made it to the bank, had my daughter drive us home (trip was to retrieve her and busted bike) and went the hell off that drug. Now I have a nice generic drug that just lowers my blood pressure and hasn’t generated a single interesting anecdote.

      However, I was aided by the fact that this came on fast (bank trip was the last straw over a week of escalating forgetfulness). If yours has come on more gradually, you should talk to a doctor–small kids and less sleep could be it, but so could something medical. (Mostly thinking a drug reaction here.)

    9. MissDisplaced*

      You’re probably not imagining it!
      It’s not that you’re getting “dumber,” but as we age we do tend to become more forgetful. I’m in my 50’s now, and while I’m still smart (finished a masters degree just 5 years ago) but often can’t remember to pay the phone bill!
      Some if this is just due to working long hours & stress, but some is age. I would definitely say get a physical to check your health stats. Also, many people develop sleep apnea as they get older, which can lead to the foggy feeling.
      I had to get bullet journals for work so I don’t forget things, and yes I di take more time to think about things rather than jumping as I used to.

    10. ThisIsNotWhoYouThinkItIs*

      Get your levels tested and talk to your doctor. For me, this was an indication I might be having thyroid issues. They tested that and also found my Vitamin D was through the floor–that is by any standard my level was very low. Fixing some of that helped A LOT. Before I felt like my brain just wasn’t “sparking”–I could feel the thought, but it wasn’t moving from place a to place b like it should. It got so bad I could be telling a story and forget the punchline halfway through.

      Also, and this was just me–I also tended to fall asleep with my PC way too close to my head (like right next to it)–I make sure to move it off the bed now. I couldn’t find any good information about what’s put out by older laptops, but I did find a lot of misinformation. At any rate I’m sure they don’t do testing for people basically sleeping on the keyboards long-term.

      1. SheLooksFamiliar*

        I second this – my thyroid still is wonky, even with Synthroid. But I was always tired, had severe brain fog, and had all the other symptoms typical to hypothyroidism. Seriously, I could lose my train of thought seconds into an explanation. Synthroid, a new vitamin regime – D included – and lots of exercise helped a lot. Tried yoga but couldn’t stay focused.

        If you haven’t gone through menopause, be prepared. My brain fog got so much worse because of the hormonal imbalances. I had to literally write down everything I heard or said at work, I couldn’t remember even simple discussions. I misplaced everything, couldn’t plan more than a few hours in advance, and had to create checklists for daily activities. I used every trick I could to make sure I didn’t forget or misplace anything. Very tough 8 years for me, but things are better now.

    11. Competent Commenter*

      I second a thyroid check. For me it’s hormones plus ADHD. Ugh. Never been the same since the baby at 41. :(

      Also check your iron levels. My daughter was so anemic she required blood transfusions at one point in her 20s and she started making a lot more sense immediately afterwards.

    12. Yorkshire Rose*

      For me, it was age, a high stress job, and insomnia that caused this. The other recommendations in this thread are excellent as well. I have a SAD light from Verilux that helps a lot with mood and tiredness.

    13. Bad Janet*

      Everyone has covered the most of the basic medical advice, here’s what I have to add (which mostly still falls under “consult your doctor”):

      If your body is on the pre-diabetic/already diabetic path, this may be a diet thing. If this is the case, very low carb/ keto diet might help. When I’m successfully low carbing it, there is a greater clarity to my mind (which is saying a lot b/c I have a triple-whammy of ADHD, Depression, and Anxiety – all of which have memory/executive function implications).

      I recommend finding some solid reading on the hunger hormones & how they affect the body (lots of options out there, my lightbulb was “It Starts With Food” by Dallas & Melissa Hartwig. This is the Whole 30 book, which isn’t explicitly low-carb, and mostly their first 7 chapters cover this particular information).

    14. Nita*

      – lack of sleep, stress, or both?
      – vitamin deficiency, or thyroid issues?
      – small kids?

      Just dealing with kids can do that to you. Thankfully I haven’t noticed an effect at work, but I’ve gotten noticeably dumber in other ways. When I’m shopping, I can no longer do simple math in my head to compare prices. I make lists, and still forget things. Following complicated instructions takes ten times more concentration than it used to. I cannot write anything more coherent than a short text if they’re in the same room. I really hope it’s temporary…

    15. Dance-y Reagan*

      This was me before my thyroid diagnosis. I honestly wondered if I had dementia in my thirties. I would go upstairs to retrieve laundry from the hamper and pause at the landing, totally confused about where I was going. I used to be a whiz at crosswords, but I was losing basic vocabulary. I’d suggest a full blood workup with TSH and T4 levels.

    16. Basia, also a Fed*

      People have already mentioned having your blood checked for vitamin level, but I specifically want to mention B-12. My levels were so low that it can cause dementia which explains the fog, and my doctor was pretty alarmed. I can’t absorb it when taken orally, so I will likely have to have monthly shots for the rest of my life. It hasn’t fixed everything, but has made a big difference.

      1. B12*

        I’ve been going through this recently too. I had several rounds weekly shots (transitioning to monthly) and I’ve noticed a difference in my mental fog and alertness. After years (lifetime?) of being always tired and having trouble focusing and always blaming it on everything going on at work/life events/burning the candle at both ends it was enlightening to actually tie it to a medical cause (at least to a degree).

    17. C Baker*

      There’s just too many possibilities. I think you need to arrange to see a doctor… though I can’t promise it’ll be instantly helpful.

    18. LGC*

      I’m going to be honest: just reading about what you’re juggling sounds tiresome!

      I’m not a doctor, and even if I was I couldn’t diagnose you through a blog comment. But it reads as if you’re juggling a lot of things (small children, a career), and you’re doing a bit of triage. Which is good! It sounds like you’re not getting dumber, it sounds like you just don’t have the brain space to remember everything that’s thrown at you.

      This isn’t to say that it’s not a medical issue. But it might just be that you’re handling a ton of stuff right now.

    19. LilySparrow*

      If this is a noticeable change that you’ve never experienced before, you should certainly get a checkup and mention all these things, particularly brain fog and memory problems.

      ADHD can cause issues for adults as their responsibility levels go up and get more complex, even if it wasn’t a problem in childhood. But it’s not because the symptoms are totally new and unfamiliar – it’s because your coping mechanisms get overloaded.

      What you’re describing, especially with little kids in the picture, sounds more like sleep, thyroid, nutrition, or hormone changes – all of which deserve a checkup and all of which respond well to treatment or management techniques.

      It’s worth considering whether you’ve had any changes during the same timeframe in your level of energy/fatigue, hair skin & nails, digestion or bowel movements, hot/cold tolerance, weight, or mood.

    20. Girl friday*

      Training yourself to hear things and write them down is not a bad thing to do. Anemia, pregnancy, thyroid, blood pressure, diabetes, and a few more serious things like Parkinson’s disease and MS, can all have these effects on people. Things not related to physical problems can also cause this such as stress, Mental Health, anxiety, family changes and life changes. I think you should see a doctor just for a general check-up.

    21. Combinatorialist*

      This sounds like me when I was vitamin B12 deficient. I would get checked out because I thought I was just dealing with lots of stress. Starting to take a supplement vastly improved my life?

    22. It Really Was a Brain Tumor*

      See your doctor. I casually mentioned to my primary care doctor that I had trouble remembering things. He didn’t think it was anything to be concerned about but referred me to a neurologist just in case. The neurologist said he didn’t think it was anything but ordered a CT scan just in case. Turned out I had a large, benign brain tumor. Neurosurgeon removed the tumor and all is well.

    23. Still trying to adult*

      Yes to getting all aspects of your health checked out. Esp. sleep; in my case, a number of years ago I learned about Obstructive Sleep Apnea from some friends and got tested, with a sleep study. Yes, I had it. Getting a CPAP machine & mask has been wonderful!

      I can say now that I felt similar before my diagnosis; forgetful, unfocused, unable to keep track of things, and several other symptoms; irritability, inattention, anxiety, and generally not good for my family to be around!! :-(

      So, this could be any number of things; get it all checked out!!

    24. JustAClarifier*

      Basically you’re getting foggy because you’re not exercising all of the areas of your brain that you probably used to. Modern people use different parts of our brains as technology has become a larger part of our lives. I didn’t see anyone else respond with this, so thought I’d chip in here. I had this issue, down to the lists and everything, and realized there’s a direct correlation to how much technology I use.

      Studies have shown that our brains have re-routed how they process information – we’ve gone from linear, long processing that came from reading books and following longer threads of information to quickly processing various sections of web pages, applications, etc. Following those long threads is what enhances your memory and sharpens the cognitive processing in your brain.

      When you make a point to read at least 30 minutes a day (I’m not talking about online, I’m talking a book – and I’m talking 30 straight minutes where you don’t grab your phone during that time or jump on the computer quickly, just sitting and focusing on what you’re reading) it helps to re-route the neural pathways in your brain and exercises it. I began doing this myself and noticed a HUGE difference.

      Obviously rule out health, but if you’re fine otherwise….you might want to try this.

      I don’t remember where to find the original study I found on this, but here are a few articles for those who are interested: https://www.pri.org/stories/2014-09-18/your-paper-brain-and-your-kindle-brain-arent-same-thing and https://www.theverge.com/2018/8/27/17787916/reader-come-home-maryanne-wolf-neuroscience-brain-changes

      1. Salamander*

        This is super, super-helpful. Just the other day, I was bemoaning the fact that I don’t have the same focus that I did when I was twelve and could lock myself in my room and read or write for a whole afternoon without interruption. This helps explain it. Thank you so much!

        1. JustAClarifier*

          You’re welcome! When I found this out I was shocked and it’s made a big difference for me mentally. I’m glad that it’s helpful. Just have to flex the brain

    25. JSPA*

      perimenopause. Can start way earlier than people assume.
      Shift work.
      inadequate sun exposure / too much blue light in the evening.

    26. Diana Barry*

      Hi – replying after the weekend, but here goes. Response is similar to what others have said. I had a time like this when I was in my late 20s (mid 30s now, don’t have this problem). It was shortly right after my then husband and I separated, I was living with my parents (who are good people but just NOT easy to live with day-to-day as an adult, we drove each other crazy), was laid off for over a year, and would continue to be laid off for another year, I was continuing to look for a job, and at the same time, finishing off my Masters. I experienced a few very forgetful moments where I was truly shocked at how I could have forgotten certain pretty basic things. It passed. So, looking back, a bunch of stressors had piled on and caused this forgetfulness. Looking back at it now, it’s obvious I had a lot on my plate, but wasn’t clear when I was in it. I would look at what is happening in your life – maybe you have a lot on your plate too and need to offload a bit? Best of luck :)

  2. Junior Dev*

    Mental health thread! How are you doing? What are you struggling with? What are you proud of?

    I’m freeeeeee! That is, I had my last day of work before starting a 2 week vacation. I’ve never had a real vacation in my entire working life. I’ve been extremely burned out and I need it.

    Proud of getting through this dang week. I keep waking up around 10 or 11 and I got triggered by physical therapy last week reminding me of past health problems and I’ve been completely exhausted. And proud of trying to help a friend even though he’s not in a good place to receive it well, I hope that he eventually feels better about himself but all I can do is let him know i care.

    I’m struggling with sleep and not getting enough of it and going to bed at odd hours and feeling unfocused during the day. I’m also feeling bad about myself a lot of the time. I haven’t exercised at all for at least a week and I think that’s making it worse. I might try to go for a jog tomorrow even though my PT told me to wait on running because I just feel so cruddy.

    How are you doing?

    1. Best cat in the world*

      I’ve been a bit of a mixed bag lately.
      I’m in the classroom at work at the moment and we’re coming to exam time. It’s getting stressful and we’re all going a bit stir crazy. Can’t wait to be done and back to work properly. Although that’s also a scary prospect!
      On the other hand, the lessons have suddenly got a lot more practical and interesting and I’ve enjoyed them more, and pushed myself out of my comfort zone a lot.

      Out of work, I’m still missing my furry little soulmate terribly but the arrival of a friendly little panther to stay has helped massively :) And I’m gradually getting back into things that I enjoy doing, including exercise, and I’m gaining my confidence back at them which is brilliant.

    2. LenaClare*

      Well I’m having difficulty posting this reply for one thing!

      I’ve not been feeling great – in fact I’ve been doing badly lately – but I’ve just started seeing a new counsellor and doing some work with her, and she is absolutely amazing.

      Plus I’m renewing my search for a new job seriously and consistently the last couple of weeks so I can get out of my current dysfunctional workplace.

      And bonus points for me for getting out of bed showered dressed and full face of makeup before 10 a.m.!

      All of that basically gives me some hope that things are changing and that I won’t always be stuck in this awful place physically and emotionally.

      Have a great weekend everyone.

    3. Lazy Cat*

      I started actual anti-anxiety meds a few weeks ago, they’re finally fully kicked in, and it’s life changing. I can flip light switches without worrying again!

      Also discovered I need glasses, which may fix my regular minor headaches. It’s been a good week.

    4. Anonforthis*

      I am really struggling this week. Holidays with my family are always stress nightmares and the run up to thanksgiving has been a mess of people getting crazy about stuff. We are supposed to be doing a baby shower for me over the trip and my mom invited way too many people without asking the host and now everyone is mad.

      And then on thursday I got a call that one of my siblings was on an involuntary 24 hour psych hold. From what I can tell, the doctor overreacted, she just wanted her meds adjusted because they were giving her bad headaches, I had talked to her an hour before her appointment. But she didn’t want my parents to know (this is a legitimate choice, they overreact and make everything worse). It is not her fault, but that just sucked.

      So yesterday I go in for my OB appointment and my blood pressure is high. It went down but now I need all these extra tests and of course I was dumb and googled it and am now worried about my baby. I read fine on my home monitor, but just argh.

      But this stuff literally could make me and my kid sick. I just don’t know how I am getting through next week. I don’t want to cut them off (particularly my sister because someone needs to be there for her) but I don’t know how to handle all this and keep myself and kid healthy.

      1. Junior Dev*

        Hugs. That’s a lot to be dealing with! I think it is quite all right to focus on your own and your kid’s health, everything else can be secondary, even if it means missing holiday events or leaving early or whatever else you need to do. So many families turn holidays into a minefield of stress and obligations where you’re supposed to perform cheer and togetherness but no one is actually happy. What’s the point of that?

    5. Villanelle*

      I am trying to find a counsellor but am getting stuck on what sort I might want to try (that I can afford). Do I go for talking, gestault or CBT…?

      1. LenaClare*

        I think there’s pretty much nothing that person-centred can’t fix imo. I’m having pc at the minute. But without knowing what you’re going through at the moment, might it be worthwhile getting an assessment from a psychologist first to see which type would be a better fit?

      2. MarieAlice*

        Depends on the kind of person you are and the kind of problem you have :)

        Most importantly, you need to have some kind of connection to your counsellor. If you don’t feel at ease, if you don’t feel listened to, if you feel you can’t share things or you don’t trust the plan or approach they have, it’s not the right one for you at that time.
        Cave: therapy isn’t supposed to be fun, it can be paintully awkward, you might not be able to open up immediately, but you should feel your counsellor is someone you’d want to open up to. It may take a couple of intake sessions but it’s worth taking your time. Consider how they made you feel. Consider their plan. Ask all the questions you have.

        Secondly, some problems have approaches that fit them better than others. Psychoanalysis might be a great approach if you have a non-urgent, rather vague problem and enough money. If you have a fear of flying, exposure therapy will probably benefit you. Borderline is often treated with CBT/DBT or with a long-term psychodynamic approach. PTSD responds well to EMDR. But that doesn’t mean that’s the only approach possible, and if your problem doesn’t rise to the clinical level there’s little research on the effects of different approaches.

        I don’t know how it works where you live, but we often do first intakes where you don’t see your eventual therapist, but someone who assesses your needs in order to define the kind of therapy that would benefit you, or even if they’d advise further testing before advising a certain approach. You can also make an appointment and ask them what kind of treatment they would advise. If they feel their approach wouldn’t work for them, they will probably tell you and refer you to someone else.

        Side note about the ‘being able to afford’: tell them during the intake session, or even when you make the appointment. Some therapists offer discounts depending on your income!

    6. Washi*

      I’m doing pretty well! I was very reassured by the posts a few weeks ago about my experience with CBT that my therapist had kind of an odd approach to it, so I stopped seeing her. I haven’t found anyone new yet but I’ve been reading a lot about anxiety and journaling, which have both been surprisingly helpful.

      I know it makes sense to try therapy again, but I’m really nervous about it and afraid that like, I’m just not cut out for it or something. Not sure whether to push myself on this or just kind of wait it out.

      1. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

        Hug. Gently, just my opinion, okay? But don’t let the part of you that is invested in being stuck, tell the rest of you, that you are not cut out for therapy or you can’t change…. Somewhere inside, some of us are stuck, and fear moving on, fear change, and that voice/piece of you undermines your forward motion. There’s an old saying -if you keep doing the same thing over and over, you keep getting the same result. So maybe a little pushing back on that voice, saying “I am strong, I can change, and I will find someone to talk to that “I” really connect with…. Again, just a suggestion from one who spent too long in fear and stuck….

    7. Nita*

      Yay for vacation! Enjoy it, hope it helps you feel better!

      I’m… more good than bad I guess? I’m thisclose to resolving an issue that’s been making me vaguely suicidal, at least for the next year. Of course, in a year I may be back to square one, but that’s a lot of time to figure out a better way to do things. I’ve also got a small cold, which is really nothing but feels like the straw that broke the camel’s back. Oh well. As usual, there’s no way out but through. Just one more week, and things might look better.

    8. Red*

      I’m doing well! I feel really stable for the first time in years, and I’m loving it. Thank the gods, researchers, and everyone else involved that Latuda exists!

      Here’s the thing, though- I never thought I’d feel this healthy. I counted on living a short, messy life, and set my plans around that. To be completely honest, I thought I would be dead by now. I’m obviously not. It’s nice, of course, but there is this unsettling feeling of “where do I go from here?” I feel like I’m playing catch-up because I’m just now encountering something people take for granted – the assumption that death isn’t going to happen soon. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life at all!

      1. thankful for AAM*

        Red, I find that so intellectually interesting! I hope you share more about what you are thinking and experiencing. I hope this is coming across in the interested and engaged time i meant!

    9. Sparrow*

      I’m doing well! I made it through my last major exam of the year, so I have some down time and much lower stress levels for the next month and a half.
      I’m proud of making it through the intense stress, and for asking for help and meeting with a counselor when the stress peaked and I needed it. I’m also proud that I have the energy to recommit to exercise again, although the weather here has been awful and I’ve had to work out indoors.
      I’m working on striking a balance between actually resting and relaxing during my break and accomplishing things. I know I do better with some structure and tasks, but I don’t want to set a bunch of half-formed goals that I won’t actually complete. So I’m trying to be thoughtful about that

      1. Junior Dev*

        Thanks! Tbh I’ve been kinda in “hold it together until vacation” mode and now that I can sleep in and do whatever I feel much better.

    11. overcaffeinatedandqueer*

      So this is hard, but also a breakthrough. I have finally told my counselor and wife that sometimes, especially now that i’m realizing and discussing something sexual that was unwanted when I was a kid, I still feel like harming myself.

      It was a problem when I was a teenager and again at 20 (now 28). I highly doubt that i’ll ever do it, but it was hard to deal with the feeling on my own.

      1. Red*

        I’m glad you reached out to others. It sucks to feel alone when you’re dealing with things like that. If you think it would help you to have an on-call stranger that’s willing to listen, I am more than happy to give you my email/phone #

      2. Junior Dev*

        I’m glad you are able to talk about it. You probably already know this but it is quite normal for therapy and talking about your feelings to make you feel worse, not better, in the short term. Especially when it’s a trauma or tragedy you never really got to grieve properly, which is often the case with sexual abuse–I know it was for me. I remember being really angry after i was hit by a car in my mid-20s, and everyone responded well! The cops didn’t blame me, my friends and family didn’t minimize what I was feeling or tell me I should feel sympathy for the driver who hit me. You mean this is what it can be like, when someone hurts you and the people around you don’t have a bunch of shitty cultural hangups causing them to dismiss you? And in large part because of that, I have a healthy caution of crossing the street but it doesn’t haunt me the way intimate partner violence has.

        Anyway, this got long winded but I guess what I’m trying to say is it’s normal to have a lot of intense feelings around discussing trauma that you never got to acknowledge or grieve properly when it happened. And I’m glad you are doing the work and having the conversations, even though it’s painful.

    12. 653-CXK*

      This week was my birthday week…usually each year, I go to a different local restaurant for a birthday lunch in the greater Boston area, but since I had an interview in the late morning, I went later on that afternoon.

      The result of the interview? I didn’t move forward, but unlike many other interviewers where I hear nothing or I have to pull teeth to get answers, they were quick (one day), honest (“you’re good, but not what we’re looking for”) and will keep my resume on file in case there’s something else. That’s how you get good employees…I came away with a nice impression.

      I had one hyper-aggressive recruiter yesterday trying to sell me on a job that, once I looked at the description, I most certainly did not want. First, Hiya (best phone screener ever) blocked the number on my cell. Then the recruiter called my house phone, and I hung up on them and blocked that number. They also left a voice message, which I promptly deleted. I don’t think I’ll be hearing back from them any time soon ;-)

    13. Elizabeth West*

      Ditto on not as much exercise.
      Ditto on sleeping weird hours–it’s mostly from not having a job. I slide back into my natural circadian rhythm, which is go to bed at 12:30 and wake up at 7 or 8:30. That’s not a good working schedule, LOL.

    14. Prof_Murph*

      I’m fairly anxious about being lonely during the upcoming week. Everyone is excited for the upcoming holiday but it’s a really tough one for me. Over a decade ago, I moved to the opposite coast from my extended family, so I only go home during the winter holidays. In different years, I’ve been invited for Thanksgiving to friends/colleagues’ homes, but that’s faded away. And I’m a long time vegetarian, so over time, Thanksgiving has become a harder and harder holiday – as I don’t like to be around the meat or meat smells. I realize that these are my choices, but it brings up a lot of lonely feelings. Especially as everyone asks what I’ll be doing for the holiday. Nothing, reading, or maybe going to the movies. By myself. I used to a Turkey Trot 5K, but haven’t been able to do that even as I’ve had a nagging calf injury for the last two years (sooo frustrating!) I get jealous when people complain about how they have to see so much family or get together with friends or are looking forward to this week when all I’m feeling is a bit of dread and gritting teeth just to get through. Just trying to avoid not feeling sorry for myself, as I recognize I made a lot of choice that got me to this situation, and not get too down that I fall into depression.

    15. Justin*

      Feeling good. Depression really rare, anxiety mostly stable.

      Self actualization in my life has helped a lot (though therapy got me to where it was possible). Doing well at work, in my relationships, at school, has left me feeling very calm. Of course, it’s hard to do all that when it’s not going well, but these have been the best weeks in a while, so hoping it continues.

    16. Claire*

      I am struggling and doing well at the same time, if that makes sense.

      The struggle comes from the dayjob, plus the gray weather, both of which exacerbate my depression. I’m doing my best to take care of myself. This includes taking a step back from the dayjob and trying to figure out what is best for me. This site, and all you commentators, have been a godsend for me.

      At the same time, my writing and publishing is going really well. The first book in my new series is getting some nice reviews, and the publisher sent me the cover for book #2, which is awesome. I’m now dithering over whether I should just dive into writing full-time.

    17. Chameleon*

      My ADD is, pardon my french, kicking my ASS lately. Despite meds I can’t focus on anything for three minutes straight and bringing myself to start unpleasant tasks is nearly impossible. My house is a pit, and I have caught myself bouncing between five different tasks in the last half hour, completing none of them. -_-

      I know it’s stress-driven because of work right now, but the inattention caused by the stress is just making the stress worse, which makes the ADD worse, which makes the stress worse, which makes the ADD worse…

    18. A Teacher*

      Struggling. Professionally everything is great-I won a major award. Personally, ugh. My daughter was adopted a year ago and a lot of the trauma she experienced in the foster system is rearing it’s ugly bead in not fun ways. I’m operating on 3-4 hours of sleep a night and my anxiety is theough the roof. Going to the doctor this week to address it and my kid is in therapy. I’m hoping it’s just a season of life and we’ll get through it but I’m exhausted.

    19. Sylvan*

      Doing okay overall.

      I haven’t seen two of my friends in a while. Anxiety’s doing the nobody-likes-you dance, despite evidence to the contrary. I think I might try to use this thread to be accountable and come back next week to say whether I’ve made progress on that.

      Some body image issues, but working on it. I’ve dug myself out of this before and I can do it again. :)

    20. Janeitenoir*

      It’s kinda been a rollercoaster for me. I was doing absolutely lovely until a minor anxiety trigger last Wednesday, which spiraled into a flare-up of OCD (wasn’t great with managing compulsions) for a few days. I turned in my final grad school paper on Friday and got engaged Saturday, and I feel like that Jane Austen quote “Elizabeth, agitated and confused, rather knew that she was happy, than felt herself to be so”. Still absorbing, both things were very much expected and wanted, but just waiting for the anxiety and dust to settle, and continuing despite fear.

  3. Electric Sheep*

    Question for people from the US: I have heard that you don’t really use the word ‘fortnight’ (in the sense of being a two week period). 1) Is this actually true, or just a rumour spread on the internet, and 2) if so, what do you say instead? Do you just say ‘let’s meet every two weeks’ instead of ‘let’s have fortnightly meetings’? It just seems like such a useful term not to have.

    1. This Daydreamer*

      Fortnight isn’t a word that is routinely used here but it isn’t unknown. We’d usually say that we’d meet every two weeks or maybe twice a month.

      I like the word fortnight. I think it should be in more common usage here in the US.

    2. The Crazy Cats*

      I have always known what the word meant when I ran across it in reading, but cannot remember ever using it in a sentence–not in over 60 years. I would say every two weeks, or every other week.

    4. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      Honestly? We say biweekly and then everyone has to ask for clarification. I wish we would just use fortnight.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Mutts has it. I’ve seen meetings derail arguing over meeting frequency …the second time, I had been at the company long enough to be comfortable interrupting managers: “Do you mean two meetings a week or once every two weeks?”

        1. Bad Janet*

          Seriously. We need fortnight in common parlance!

          When I get into these bi-whatever arguments I try to be educational and yell about BI MEANS TWO, SEMI MEANS HALF! IF I WANTED TWO MEETINGS PER [period] I WOULD SAY SEMI-[period]. I will one day ignite the movement across the U.S. for dinks to learn the difference between bi/semi and use fortnight when appropriate!

          #ridiculousthingstobepassionateabout

          1. Ktelzbeth*

            I pretty commonly hear bimonthly to describe the payroll style that gives two paychecks a month, so, whether correct or not, I can easily understand why biweekly would seem to mean twice per week.

            I might say fortnight. I know I say thrice, which is another thing Americans often don’t say.

      3. Nines*

        Argh! I hate biweekly for every two weeks! So many people use it that one but it has never made sense to me.

        1. Nines*

          that *way
          And I am pleased to read that I am not crazy. That this really makes no sense. Sometimes I wonder if *I* don’t understand what biweekly means…

    5. Washi*

      I like the idea of rumors being spread on the internet about how Americans don’t use “fortnight.”

      But unfortunately it is true, if I heard someone use fortnight in a sentence, I would assume they’d been reading too much Shakespeare or something. It is a useful word though!

      1. Anon Anon Anon*

        Exactly! It’s associated with Other Times and Places here – Shakespeare and fantasy novels. When I first saw it in another country, I thought it was a joke. I like the idea that we’re rumored not to use it.

        By the way, is it used in Canada?

        1. Lissa*

          I have heard it used occasionally here in Canada but not consistently. So as with most things it’s somewhere between UK and US English. I definitely associate it with being old fashioned or British but wouldn’t be surprised if someone used it.

        2. Felicia*

          As a data point for Canada, I am Canadian, and I have never heard anyone here use it and think I only know what it means because I read a lot of British fiction. A newish friend from New Zealand said it recently, and I had to think for a second to remember what it meant, because I’d never heard it in real life before.

        3. Canadian Natasha*

          It sounds snooty/snobbish to use in Canada. The average person in my region probably isn’t familiar with the word (I am, but I’m also someone who was excited to get to use the word “appended” in a conversation recently, so… ;) ).

      2. Forking great username*

        I would probably assume hey were talking about the video game! Although I teach high school, haha.

      3. Slutty Toes*

        I once heard a rumor that Americans don’t, by and large, own electric kettles.

        Am American. Can confirm.

              1. Slartibartfast*

                Microwaving water does affect the flavor of tea. That has to be boiled. American child of a mom with Irish roots, proper tea is important. My house doesn’t feel like home unless there’s a kettle on the stove.

            2. Lcsa99*

              Yeah, it kinda seems silly to have something special to boil water in. It doesn’t take that much effort to boil it on the stove. My husband and I didn’t even know they existed until we saw one on The Price is Right.

            1. Trouble*

              Electric kettle owned in UK by me, and I have a Nesspresso machine. Filter coffee is very much not really a thing here. Even McDonald’s does McCafe lattes and cappuccinos. The coffee scene was very much a culture shock moving here from Canada. But I love my electric kettle. It boils so quick and doesn’t heat anything but the water. Plus it doesn’t block a ring on my hob even when not in use. That said, when we went to visit my mother she had an electric kettle on the counter for the first time ever this summer and the stove based one was gone. Maybe they’re infiltrating the north?!

        3. SignalLost*

          My mother has one. I think a friend who is American but married a Brit does. Far as I know that’s it.

        4. Mrs. Fenris*

          I’m American, and I had heard of electric kettles but had never seen one until our week in London this summer. Our rental flat had one and we thought “hey, this thing is pretty cool!” They may not be common in America but you can find them, so we bought one. We’re still kind of laughing at ourselves for being this excited over a small appliance.

        5. Bagpuss*

          I think it’s in part to do with the power supply- we have 240 volts as standard, whereas I believe in the USA it’s 120 – which in turn means that for us, it is much faster to boil water using an electric kettle than to do it on the hob, but In The US that isn’t the case.
          That and perhaps we drink a lot more tea so have more need of boiling water!

          1. LilySparrow*

            No, I have an electric kettle in the US and it is sooooooo much faster than the electric stove. Unless you have a gas stove, it would always be.

            I think the difference is in the prevalence of coffee and the lack of tea as a social ritual.

            If you just want to drink tea yourself, the microwave is faster. But if you’re making tea for several people at once, a kettle is better.

            1. Washi*

              Yes, it’s so much faster and so much easier to pour out of! I drink tea every day and can’t imagine boiling water on the stove every time.

        7. DragoCucina*

          I have an electric kettle. Even though I make gallons of iced tea I thought it was silly. I then decided to give it a try. It’s wonderful. Not only for tea, but for my husband’s French press coffee, boiling water for instant a cup of noodles, etc.

        9. The curator*

          American and an electric kettle person. I can’t live without it. First week at my job, ordered one for work. Stove kettle is fine but you have to remember that you put it on. Having hot water fast is a joy.

        10. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

          I had never seen an electric kettle before I moved to the UK. The first day I was in the shared kitchen of the student accommodation I was living in I didn’t even notice the plastic kettles on the counter and boiled some water in a saucepan to make a cup of instant coffee (because I was also confused by the lack of electric drip coffee pots and stovetop steel kettles).

          Someone else asked me if there was a reason why I wasn’t using the kettle and explained what they were!

    6. Hobbert*

      Very true! If I used the word “fortnight”, my coworkers would probably tell me about a meeting in ye olde conference room. It’s an old fashioned word and it would be a bit strange to use it. Too bad because it’s really specific and useful!

      1. Femme D'Afrique*

        I find this hilarious because in many parts of the world, it’s NOT an old fashioned word!

        Thanks, Electric Sheep, it never would have crossed my mind to even think about this (and I went to college in the US!)

      2. Kathenus*

        Now I really want to schedule a meeting in ye olde conference room. What a great mental image – lots of wood beams, candle holders on the walls, maybe a suit of armor in the corner. Hand-written, calligraphy invitations of course.

        Thanks for a fun thought on a Saturday morning at work.

                1. Canadian Natasha*

                  “At least this would be a motivation for people to WANT to attend meetings”

                  Wait, are you saying you’d be more likely to go to meetings that could end in death? Is this like office russian roulette?

                2. Kathenus*

                  It’s all tongue in cheek. And in that vein, there are a number of meetings that fantasizing about throwing someone out a window would make them more enjoyable. It’s not the same as actually doing it.

                3. Canadian Natasha*

                  Oh sorry, my humour must not have come through on tone. I was also being tongue-in-cheek. ;)

        2. FD*

          Sort of a cross between Don Quixote and The Office.

          “My mettle tested, I prepare to speak
          And show my projects stand the test of time.
          A raise, my case to make–that no mere cost
          Of living increase will concede my worth.”

      3. Sc@rlettNZ*

        I’m a kiwi and fortnight is most definitely NOT an old fashioned word here at the bottom of the world. I’m laughing my head off about ‘ye olde conference room’ though :-)

    7. Lcsa99*

      I love some of the responses here. I also didn’t know what fortnight meant and would have guessed like two days (my husband knew!) I would just use every-other week or bi-weekly.

    8. AcademiaNut*

      And it’s the same in Canada. A fair number of people would recognize the word, particularly if they’re well read, but it’s not in common use.

    9. SemiRetired*

      I don’t think I’ve ever heard the word spoken aloud until recently in reference to some movie title (I think.) I’ve read it in books and know what it means, though. I would consider it a sign… along with “ou” spellings and lifts and lorries… that I am reading a british book. (An aside, the word that always confused me was “row,” as in the Green Knowe children or the Lost Boys or the Narnia children having a dispute among themselves. Could never figure out how they suddenly got a boat or where they were “rowing” to.)

      1. C Baker*

        For me it was “torch”. All these kids clambering around in attics and under bushes, carrying… torches? And nobody ever caught on fire!

        1. ElspethGC*

          I used to get irrationally angry as a kid at the American children who carried “flashlights” in my books. They don’t flash! They’re lights, but they don’t flash! Why is the first half of that word necessary? At least with “torch”, it still means “a thing you carry for light”, it’s just that the technology is a bit of an upgrade.

      2. Zona the Great*

        I only recently learned it’s pronounced like now and my mind was blown to bits. Always read it as row like Roe.

        1. Bulbasaur*

          I was very widely read as a child and my vocabulary was full of words that I’d never heard spoken out loud. They all had a default, best-guess pronunciation in my head. Every once in a while when I was older I’d embarrass myself by trotting one of them out and finding out it bore no resemblance to reality.

    10. MissDisplaced*

      Yeah, we know what it means, but I never hear it used in the US.
      We say every other week, bi-weekly, or twice a month pretty interchangeably.

      “I get paid bi-weekly.”
      “I need the TPS reports every other week.”

      1. Dan*

        My gripe with using “bi-weekly” or “every other week” interchangeable with “twice a month” (or “semi-monthly”) is that the later two have substantively different meanings than the first two.

        Real example: My current job pays us “bi-weekly” or every other week — every other Friday like clockwork. Most months, I get two paychecks, but twice a year, there are three. I like this system. My paychecks are for fixed amounts, and 10 months out of the year, I make the exact same money, so I budget like that. The two “extra” paychecks go into the fun bucket.

        My last job paid us “semi-monthly” or twice per month. This isn’t semantics — the pay dates were fixed calendar dates. We got paid on the 8th and the 25th of every month. I have to be honest, this system drove me months. I can almost say I hated it. The number of paid days in a pay period fluxuated constantly, such that no two consecutive pay periods every had the same amount of money. What really killed me was the last pay period in February — some years, there were only 9 days in the pay period. (The other pay periods ranged from 10-12 days per period.) The February paycheck particularly sucked coming off the Xmas season where everybody spends too much money.

        The point to this rant is that “bi-weekly” and “semi-monthly” are two very different things. I like getting paid bi-weekly, and strongly dislike semi-monthly paychecks.

        1. Trouble*

          In the UK getting paid once a month on a fixed date is way more usual. I get paid on the 25th of every month. My husband gets paid on the last day of the month, which is a ballache as it moves around, but knowing you get x amount for the month and have x bills to pay with it helps me budget.

        2. FD*

          Agreed! It also seems to be much more common to get paid bi-weekly in the US as versed to on specific dates from what I can tell, though some places do do monthly instead. I’ve heard of places that pay on specific dates but that seems to be a bit more unusual.

    11. Snoring Pup*

      I’ve never heard that word dropped in casual conversation. If someone did use it, I’d laugh and say ‘give me a real date, please’. But then again, I also ask for a specific date if people say to meet again in a couple days because I know they rarely actually mean two days and use ‘a couple’ interchangeably with ‘a few’ and ‘several’.

    12. GoryDetails*

      Heh! Yeah, it’s not commonly used in the US – at least not as a standard time period. But when I was doing software engineering it appeared quite often in the phrase “furlongs per fortnight”, usually as a humorous example for date-and-unit conversion code.

      1. Ktelzbeth*

        We had to convert the speed of light to furlongs per fortnight on a high school physics test to prove we understood unit conversion.

    14. the gold digger*

      Related question: My mom uses “forenoon.” She is the only person I have ever heard use this word. She was born and grew up in northern Wisconsin. Does anyone else ever hear this word?

      And re fortnight – I would say, “We will meet every other week on Tuesdays at 10” and then I would fight with Outlook calendar to set up the meeting and get really ticked off.

      3. Bagpuss*

        I’m English, I know ‘forenoon’ as an archaic term but it’s not a word I’d ever use in ‘real life’
        Are there any any Amish or Mennonite communities near where your lives? I think it may be a word more in use among them.

    15. Ainomiaka*

      I would also know what it meant (though have to check from context if we are talking about the video game) but not use it.

    16. Melody Pond*

      Randomly, Mr. Pond uses the term “fortnight” regularly, especially in regards to things like our paycheck schedule. But he’s the only person I know who does this (we’re in the US). I appreciate it – it’s a solid word, and its meaning is very specific.

    17. Victoria Nonprofit (USA)*

      Dual citizen here (living in the U.S.).

      Americans don’t use fortnight at all; if I used it I’d need to explain what it meant. So we get until the bi-weekly/semi-weekly/etc. confusion.

      That being said, I don’t think fortnight is especially useful. It’s not any harder to say “Let’s meet in two weeks,” or “Let’s meet every other week.” And it’s always struck me as strange to have a word for “two weeks” but not (in common usage at least) a word for three weeks or six weeks or ten weeks. Why throw it in the mix?

      1. Jillociraptor*

        I wonder if this is one of those soft Sapir-Whorf things where by not having a word specifically for that amount of time, we have less of a tendency to measure time in that increment. It seems equally useful (or useless as the case may be!) to have a word for “two weeks” as “three weeks.” It comes naturally to separate out time as a week or a month, but not really as two weeks.

    18. Panda Bandit*

      It’s an old-fashioned word! I might run across it in old books but I never heard anyone say it. In my area we would say every two weeks or every other week. Biweekly is used sometimes but it seems more rare.

    19. Gatomon*

      I’ve never heard it used in speech, just old American texts and non-American English. Everytime I see it I have to look up what it means – in my head it is a four week period, like a month. I consider myself to have a strong vocab game, but this word doesn’t stick!

    20. Not So NewReader*

      Mention some thing about furlongs per fortnight and watch people’s eyes glaze over. They have no clue what was just said.

      My husband and I used the expression to indicate a unit of measure that was not handy for reference points, especially in the grocery store. The shelf price on one item is cost per quart and the shelf price on another item of comparable use is shown in cost per gallon. Com’on, really. That’s not handy.
      I love the situation with eggs. We buy eggs by the dozen so the shelve price shows cost per ounce, as if everyone knows how many eggs are in an ounce. “oh look, hon, the comp prices are measured in furlongs per fortnight, so the consumer can easily calculate which brand has the best value.” grr.

    21. nonegiven*

      The use of fortnight makes more sense in a country that seems to arrange billing every two weeks.

      In the US most bills are monthly.

      Or maybe it’s the other way around, you have billing every two weeks because everyone thinks fortnightly.

      2. Twinkle*

        Can I ask something in relation to that? I’m an Aussie and almost all our billing is fortnightly (and we use this term a lot!) I don’t have any monthly bills, so I’ve always wondered how they work. When you pay for something monthly, does it cost the same amount each month, or does it vary based on how many days there are in the month? And likewise for getting paid – if you get paid monthly, does it depend on how many work days are in the month, or is it an average across the year (assuming you are salaried)? I get paid each fortnight, so my pay is always the same, and I pay my mortgage fortnightly, so it’s also always the same amount. It’s really easy to budget with this system. Is it the same if you operate on a monthly basis? It feels like it shouldn’t be given some months are longer than others.

        1. Shell*

          I’m American, and all my bills are monthly. Most (like water and electric) vary by usage, but my mortgage is the exact same amount each month, no matter how many days the month has.

        2. Avasarala*

          I’m not in the US but almost all my bills and wages are monthly. As Shell says some things vary by usage, most others have a set price per month but can be pro-rated by # of days used. I think it averages out over the year because I assume most services set their flat rate based on the unit of one month, rather than the unit of one day. So they think “what is a fair price for one month’s usage” not “what is a fair price for one day’s usage, then that x30 or sometimes x31”.

    22. FD*

      Nope, it’s definitely not a common word in the US. I know what it means due to reading, but I suspect a lot of people wouldn’t know what you mean. Usually you’d say “biweekly” or “every other week”. Dunno why we dropped it, really, but there you go!

      1. FD*

        And it was dropped fairly recently. For example, they use the term in the Great Gatsby (published 1925), so we dropped it within the last hundred years or so.

    23. catMintCat*

      Australian here, and I get paid fortnightly. If I said “every two weeks” I would be assumed to have forgotten the proper word and be evaluated for dementia.

      I own an electric kettle. I5 is by far the most used appliance in my kitchen.

      1. Anon Anon Anon*

        I have a lot of funny stories about switching between Australian and American English. There’s a comedic gold mine there.

    24. YetAnotherFed*

      The US federal government runs on a biweekly (i.e. fortnight) pay period schedule. Most of the federal government thinks in terms of pay periods, but the USPTO thinks in terms of biweeks, as this is how deadlines are set for the patent examiners.

    25. matcha123*

      Am from the US, and until I spent more time on the internet, I’d always assumed ‘fortnight’ was one of those old, ancient Shakespearean English words that we just don’t use anymore.
      Isn’t ‘every other week’ or ‘every two weeks’ the same? If so, that sounds a lot clearer to me.

    26. thankful for AAM*

      I lived in the UK for 3 years (and read British fiction growing up) so I know the term. I have never heard an american use it.

      I have heard people say meet in 2 weeks or meet twice a month or every 2 weeks.

    27. Kittymommy*

      I know what fortnight means but I have never used it myself, not have I heard anyone else (from the states) use it. Must people I know use either every other week or occasional biweekly.

  4. This Daydreamer*

    NaNoWriMo!

    I just got caught up again after taking a few days off. I keep thinking I’ve hit a block but I keep figuring something out and keep writing on. It’s exhausting but also exhilarating. Because my job is so quiet I get most of my writing done here and I’ve got a few days off so it might be a challenge to stay caught up. I should go to one of the local write-ins. It’s going to be hard to write at home with a new cat who is determined to climb all over me when I’m at the table.

    How about you other WriMos?

    1. Best cat in the world*

      I’m still at the 1046 words I wrote on the first day. I think those ones were the most important ones for me to write down and I haven’t had time to do any more since!

      1. This Daydreamer*

        I’ve had a few years when I ended up with not much more than that. Every word is important. I’m lucky to have as much time as I do.

    2. Doc in a Box*

      I’m doing surprisingly well. 45k right now. I haven’t written anything creative in about 10 years (since the last NaNoWriMo I did as a student, actually) so I did not have high expectations, but I’m a bit shocked at how quickly this story has just poured out of me.

      Things that have helped:
      – Setting writing times. I’ve been insisting on taking at least 30 min at lunchtime (I usually work through lunch) and closing my office door to write.
      – Going to regular write-ins. I host a Sunday morning one, and a friend of mine runs a Monday and Wednesday evening one. Also have gone to random others. It helps to get out of the house and meet other writers.
      – Using a writing software rather than an enormously unwieldy word doc. I’ve been using Shaxpir as it’s free, but there are lots of others.
      – Writing my last chapter first; this way I know where the story has to end and I’m working my way towards it.

      Good luck to all the other WriMos!

    3. Felicia*

      I’m struggling at a few days behind and considering stopping, but I think I just have to realize that the fact that I am still writing every day is a win, and I shouldn’t put too much pressure on myself to reach a specific wordcount.

      1. Annie Moose*

        That’s the spirit! I always tell people, even if you don’t hit your original wordcount goal, you still have more words at the end of the month than when you began! And that’s pretty cool no matter what.

    4. Elizabeth West*

      I’m at about 31K or so. It’s doubtful that the book will be finished by the end of the month, but I’ll definitely hit the word count.

      I told a trusted friend my plotline for Books 2 and 3 today (nobody else knows) and in telling her, I realized how much stuff I have to work out so it stays within world rules. Oy. But that’s okay, since first drafts are just for getting the damn thing down. I can always fix it later.

    5. the.kat*

      Sitting at 15k, but I think I know where we’re going next, which is important to me. I didn’t know until a few days ago, so now I’m ready to keep writing.

    6. Annie Moose*

      Oof. Still on track, although I’ve lost the large lead I had–at 32k right now. This year I was all, I’m going to have it all plotted out! I know exactly where I’m going! and then immediately fell off the bandwagon and have reverted to my usual “ehhhhh figure it out as I go along” method. This is annoying because I wanted to know where I was going, but inevitable. I like several bits that I’ve done so far, at least. It’s all quite salvageable.

  5. LenaClare*

    I’ve been struggling, badly, lately, and I really find this time of year hard. Plus I sit next to someone in work who’s a real Christmas Lover :/

    But a new therapist who is AWESOME, and seeing my doctor on Monday morning, plus making some changes like applying consistently for new jobs to get out of my dysfunctional place of work, are all helping me feel more in control – even though I do still feel bad, there’s a bit of hope there.

    Bonus points for getting up and showered at 9.30 a.m ready to go to the shop before 11!

    Hope everyone has a lovely weekend x

    2. Observer*

      Good for you for being able to make some useful changes!

      If you haven’t done so, you may want to look into full spectrum lights. They do wonders for some people.

      And, if part of your issue with this time of year is the constant bombardment of certain types of music eapod or headphones with music you like can help.

    1. Concepta*

      I have an Apple Watch and do running as well as martial arts and Pilates and I find that extra apps are not necessary. The watch tracks it all pretty well. I tried Nike Run Club for a while and it was just clunky and awful. (But that was more than a year ago, so maybe it’s improved.)

      My SO is more into running and uses Strava, which he swears by, though. It has a kind of fun community aspect that allows you to compare yourself to other Strava users who run in the same places.

      What sports and activities do you do? I think there are more specific apps that help you with your golf swing and stuff like that.

  7. The Crazy Cats*

    I am so excited. I finally got my two cats to eat side by side in the kitchen! The fat cat would gobble down her food then shove the skinny cat out of the way and eat all of his food. He is a nibbler and would only eat a little bit at a time and when he came back to eat more, it was all gone. So I had been feeding them in separate rooms and would often shut fat cat in the bathroom for a couple of hours so skinny fat could nibble as much of his food as he could before losing interest. He is under vet’s orders to gain weight while fat cat is supposed to be on a diet. Sometimes, fat cat would just stare at him until he got the message to leave and let her have his food. But I guess I finally wore them down and they have been eating side by side for the past month. Of course, fat cat still has to take a quick peek into skinny cat’s bowl to make sure she has the same thing he does, but she is not bothering him anymore. I guess perseverance pays off, because this only took TEN YEARS!

    1. Rachel in Non Profits*

      I’m having this exact same problem with fat cat skinny cat! It’s hard because previously they were both correct weight cats. They would carefully nibble on their food throughout the whole day. But as the younger one moved out of kittenhood into adult cat life, she became an overeater.
      It’s really difficult for me to keep them separated, but your comment gave me hope that it can work.

    2. Lcsa99*

      Somehow our cats are the opposite. Fat cat is a lot more timid so skinny cat will shove him out of the way, eat his fill then wander off and fat cat can take his time eating the leftovers from both bowls.

    3. Asenath*

      I don’t know how my fat cat manages to maintain her weight. In theory, she’s on a diet. When the vet was telling me about one of my late cat’s size, I said, optimistically, well, fatcat is smaller. Yes, the vet said, dampeningly, she’s got a smaller wheelbase. But she’s still fatter than she should be – and it’s not all fur (she’s longhaired). So, move forward a few years past failed attempts to get her to exercise and eat less, and the death of one cat and replacement with another she loathed (they’re no longer at each other’s throats, exactly, but it’s taken a copule years). That cat has spent very prolonged periods in her own territory (aka the main bedroom) with access to only carefully measured amounts of cat food, since she didn’t, and sometimes couldn’t if they actually were engaged in open warfare, go to the kitchen and the main cat food and water source. And I don’t think she’s lost an ounce – no, not even a gram. I can’t understand why. Maybe she sleeps more to make up for the deprivation of getting only the prescribed amount of food – but cats sleep a lot anyway, and I don’t think she sleeps more than normal.

      1. Arya Parya*

        I have the same problem with my cats. They are on a diet and don’t seem to lose any weight. We measure their food, spread it out over the day. They also get exercise. Nothing happens. I really don’t know what to do anymore.

        1. The Crazy Cats*

          Now that you mention their food, I realize that I did (under vet’s orders) switch their dry food to one with higher protein a few months ago. Perhaps fat cat is more satisfied with the newer food! I leave dry food out all the time for them, as I never know how long I will be gone from the house. The food they now eat side by side is the canned–and now I realize that after they switched to the higher protein dry food, they stopped liking salmon flavor canned which used to be ALL they would eat. Now they are eating beef, shrimp, turkey, liver…everything they both used to turn their noses up at before.

    4. cats, amirite*

      I have one large cat and one small cat. The large cat gulps his food immediately, the small cat is a nibbler. My solution was to get a medium-sized dog crate, take off the side door and install a cat door (in some foam core) that the large cat can’t fit through. It works really well, though I had to put up a little cardboard barrier along the side as well or he would hook the dish over to the side and spill it out to get at it! It obviously only works when there is quite a size differential between the two cats, but has made our lives so much better.

    5. Yorkshire Rose*

      I have 2 cats (siblings from the same litter) and the big one gobbles and then shoves his sister out of the way to finish her meal. We have set meal times and we have to babysit them to make sure biggie doesn’t steal his sister’s food.

      When we go out of town more than one night, we have to get a sitter! We have timered feeders but we know biggie is stealing all the food and the little one is only getting a nibble when no one is there. I can empathize!

    6. Redshirt*

      And it only took ten years!

      Hehehehe. I’m a cat parent myself, and the struggle is real. One cat is a skinny diabetic 17 year old elder who needs every calorie that he can get. The other is a youthful 5 year old cat that our vet describes as voluptuous. She really needs to cut back on the kibble. They have to be fed in separate rooms. Otherwise, voluptuous cat pushes ancient cat aside to eat his delicious (and horribly expenaive) seniors weight gain food. Voluptuous cat has a paunch! She does not need Big Mac kibble!

      1. The Crazy Cats*

        I tell my fat cat that I will soon need a forklift to pick her up if she continues to eat like this. I don’t think she is too fat just yet, but she is on her way–but she has always been this way–and I try to engage her to play to burn calories when I can. I wish now I had tried to leash train her when she was a baby so we could go for walks outside.

        1. cats! cats! cats!*

          For what it’s worth, I think you can still leash train! It might be long and difficult, and a lot of blood, sweat, and tears will be shed on your part, but it can be done! Take it slow, associate the halter and leash with good things your cat likes, and be as patient as you can. It usually gets easier once the cat realizes the leash is a signal for the outside world. Oh, also be sure your cat is up-to-date on shots, flea/tick protection, and has a microchip/tags with your info, just in case!

    7. Marion Ravenwood*

      I am having this exact same problem (although ‘skinny cat’ is relative; he’s not overweight, but he’s not underweight either. Plus he gets easily distracted, so fat cat swoops in when he’s not looking and eats his food). I’m slightly despairing at the prospect of ten years of separate/supervised feeding, but you’re giving me hope that it can be done! We have just switched them to senior food as well (they turned seven in April) so I’m crossing my fingers that will help. Let’s see if fat cat has lost some weight when he goes to the vet next week…

  8. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Writing thread!
    For the NaNoWriMo crowd: how’s it been going?
    For the others, I’m a little out of inspiration for this week’s question so I’ll just recycle this one: what’s your favourite thing you’ve written this week, be it an e-mail, a non-fiction thing, a short story, or even the outline for a work project!
    Mine is a little short story about a vampire history teacher (hey, who is better at teaching what it was like being a child during WWII than the woman who was a child during WWII? Who is better at teaching about Vlad the Impaler than the woman who has a friend who knew Vlad the Impaler? Although her students are not aware she is a vampire, they just think she’s weird.) writing in cursive on the blackboard. Her students sort of laugh at it and ask if she was never taught to “write normally”, at which point she asks them if it occurred to them that THEY could be the ones lacking a skill. Next class she proves her point by having them read the Declaration of Independence and the US Constitution, providing both the manuscript and a version she wrote in Word. No one bothered to read the manuscript, causing quite a ruckus when she pointed out all the deliberate errors she’d made in the transcription which completely changed the meaning of some passages.

    1. The Crazy Cats*

      This is interesting! A few years ago, an organization for penmanship and calligraphy (they have a long name that I cannot remember) had their annual meeting in my city and I went and listened to a lecture about how we are raising a generation of children who will never be able to read the Declaration of Independence. It was an eye-opener!

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        Bwahaha, nowhere near publishable state at the moment XD. Might consider putting a sneak peek on here, though.

    3. Claire*

      I’m not doing NaNoWriMo because the schedule won’t work out for me. (Though I think it’s awesome.)

      However, I did just finish copyedits for my next novel, which is about Watson and Holmes as two black queer women, in a near future US divided by a second civil war. I love my characters to pieces, and it’s such a joy to write about them. Dr. Janet Watson gets to be angry and blunt, the way I always wanted to be, and she doesn’t take **** from Sara Holmes. I also loved adding in layers about friendship and families.

    4. Maria*

      I’m doing ok – I’m at 100k words, currently unemployed. I think roughly 45k+ are usable though haha. I have a 150k total goal and I’m not sure I’ll hit it.

  9. Seeking Second Childhood*

    My daughter’s having homework trouble, large part due to her ADD. Her first school dance is coming up (combined 7th/8th grade) and now I have husband trouble.
    While I agree with him that poor academic performance needs consequences, she’s not actually doing that badly. As in most classes…but one she’s flipping between A and F averaging C- mostly because she’s forgetting to hand in homework.
    I think shes got consequences already — no drama club this year, no weeknight activities other than school clubs that let out before 4 three days a week. Any weekend plans with family even are waiting until she’s done any overdue work.

    Help!

    1. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Wishing for an edit button “As in most” reads wrong. I mean she’s getting As in most classes.

    2. ??*

      Why are you stopping her from doing drama club?

      Why don’t you talk with her and work out how to put in strategies to help her not forget things?

      Why are you giving her consequences for a health problem? That’s like punishing her for falling over because she has osteoporosis.

      I know that’s not what you asked but I think you may both be part of the problem, sorry.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Homework that’s estimated at 1.5 hours takes her four. With drama club last year she was cutting back on her sleep to an unhealthy level.

        1. Boo Hoo*

          We stopped stepson from drama club as well for the same reason except her doesn’t have issues beyond being lazy. Once he does do his homework he finishes it in record time which just makes me angry and wonder why he’d rather be in trouble and get bad grades than do a dang 10 minute assignment. We signed him up for a weekly after school study group through his school which he of course threw a huge fit over. Honestly the kids freaking exhausting me right now. He’s smart as heck but the laziest human being, even if it benefits him. He got mad we put him in the bigger bedroom, because it’s further steps to the kitchen. Seriously cannot make that shit up.

          1. Mm*

            Usually kids who seem lazy are actually struggling with something like depression or ADHD or social problems at school. Shame you don’t have more empathy. Take the kid to a counselor.

            1. Boo Hoo*

              No he’s been tested for everything. Teenagers do just tend to be lazy. Pretty common. I have no empathy for refusing to do work.

              1. C Baker*

                How has he been tested? A full battery by a neuropsych, or a checklist from the pediatrician? When was this evaluation completed?

                He got mad we put him in the bigger bedroom, because it’s further steps to the kitchen. Seriously cannot make that shit up.

                This is not a normal complaint, and I don’t think it can be explained with the word “laziness”. I think you need to go back to the doctor and/or counselor.

                1. Kerr*

                  Yes, PLEASE take a second (or third) non-judgmental look at this. The kitchen thing is a red flag – this doesn’t sound like normal teenage laziness. I did a really good job of hiding my anxiety issues as a teenager. The symptoms bubbled over in ways that you wouldn’t automatically link back to an anxiety disorder.

                  Also, had I been tested, depending on how things were handled and how scared I was about how they would be handled, odds are high that I would have lied through my teeth to come out as “normal.”

                  Please be careful to make sure nothing is said to make him feel like he’s “broken” or that scary things will happen if he does have health problems. I had no clue that there was even any treatment available.

              2. Panda Bandit*

                Yeah no, something important is there and you’re all missing it. When I was a teenager my anxiety ramped up tremendously. I had panic attacks every day for years. When my parents saw that I couldn’t do a bunch of things, or couldn’t do certain things properly, they decided I was just a terrible person and assumed that I was on drugs. Wtf, parents. Talk to your son and try to find an actual solution together without being judgemental.

              3. Observer*

                Get him retested – SOMETHING is wrong. Kids can be lazy, that’s true. But when they do things that hurt themselves and get nit picky over the number of steps in one room vs another, that is NOT standard teen age laziness.

                You need to find out what’s going on here, because sure as sure SOMETHING you don’t know about is happening.

              4. Ron McDon*

                I think people are piling on boohoo here – I have a teenage son, and some teenagers just love to complain about stuff! I could absolutely see my son being a pain about his bedroom being further for him to walk somewhere, just as *something* to complain about when he’s hormonal. It doesn’t necessarily mean there’s some mental health issue going on, esp as boohoo indicates he’s been tested.

            2. SaeniaKite*

              And sometimes they are like me, and are just insanely lazy. I had to be taken out of classes for a day to do my coursework and I drove my poor mother to her wits end. I never expected empathy and understood it was my problem, I just can’t seem to scrape together the will to fix it. I wasn’t so bad that more steps to the kitchen would cause a sulk but I refused to even consider any other schools then the one on the end of my road, despite its reputation, because then I would have to get up earlier. As an adult I can see that this may have cost me several opportunities but I still don’t really regret it. I am a coaster by nature and am perfectly happy being paid minimum wage and just making my way through life despite others feeling like my intelligence is ‘wasted’ or that I haven’t reached my potential

              1. C Baker*

                I don’t know you, and I don’t know your situation. However, I do know that a lot of people with undiagnosed disabilities come up with “excuses” for themselves like “I’m just lazy” or “I just don’t want to”. They often even believe those stories! But that self-assessment isn’t always accurate.

            3. JamieS*

              What peer reviewed studies show that most lazy teens have some underlying issue beyond normal teenage struggles? Yes there are some teens who probably have an undiagnosed issue but that doesn’t mean most lazy teens have an issue beyond being lazy. Not everyone behaving in a displeasing way has some sort of mental issue. Sometimes, I’d argue a lot of times, people are just lazy, unmotivated, etc. for no reason other than because they’re lazy and/or unmotivated.

              1. C Baker*

                That’s debateable, but at any rate, in this case this is a thread about a boy who apparently was so upset over being a few extra feet from the kitchen that he threw a fit about it, even though the new bedroom was bigger. He also, apparently, doesn’t shower or brush his teeth. This is not in the normal range.

              2. Observer*

                Actually, the term “unmotivated” is a red herring. EVERYONE is “motivated” but they are motivated by different things, and for different reasons.

                The idea that something is not true unless there is a peer reviewed study on the matter is another red herring. Most people are motivated to do the things that benefit them, although their assessment of benefit may be different than the typical. That’s human wiring, and pretty much every study on human behavior works on that basis.

                So, when a kid is so totally unmotivated to do things that they should see benefit them, it’s worth looking VERY, VERY closely at the matter. And if a first look doesn’t find it, it’s worth taking a second and third look.

          2. Tau*

            I don’t want to come down hard here, because you obviously know your stepson better than random internet strangers, but…

            why he’d rather be in trouble and get bad grades than do a dang 10 minute assignment

            Are you absolutely certain this is the case? Like, you are 100% sure that there is no factor such as learning disability, ADHD, autism, depression, anxiety, etc. influencing this?

            Because… well… this sentence is ringing alarm bells for me. I’m going to say that the vast majority of people would probably prefer to spend 10 minutes in order not to be in trouble and not to get bad grades. The decision not to do so is super illogical even for a teenager. And I have a lot of experience being the person who is really smart! really! but does inexplicable self-sabotaging things all the gd time. I beat myself up for being lazy for years. It turns out Asperger’s really sucks that way sometimes.

            FWIW, the “fewer steps to the kitchen” thing is also something that rings alarm bells for me, because this – again – is the sort of thing that I’m going to say the majority of able-bodied people are not really concerned about. I, on the other hand, have to be extremely careful about kitchen placement etc. when searching out flats because how difficult it is to get from [place I spend my time] to [kitchen] makes a huge massive difference to my quality of life – it affects how often I cook vs eat take-away, whether I drink enough, whether I skip meals, whether I can make myself a cup of tea as a soothing ritual in the evenings. The time I had to go through two doors from living room to kitchen was a disaster in many ways. I consider the considerations I make here (and the fact that I basically have to have an open-plan kitchen in order to live a decent life) a matter of disability accommodation, and not normal. The fact that your step-son considers this a priority to the point where it takes precedence over room size is… concerning.

            (Note: a person in my situation might tell you, might even legit think that they don’t want to do the things they’re struggling with. That doesn’t mean it’s the truth. If you attempt to do a thing that everyone else around you appears to manage effortlessly and you inexplicably don’t do it, “I guess I didn’t actually want to do the thing” can be a very logical conclusion to jump to just because it’s the only explanation you have. This is especially true if you have the sort of problems connecting with your own emotions common among many conditions that cause executive function problems. This sort of thinking messed me up for years.)

            1. Boo Hoo*

              I am a billion percent sure he isn’t depressed, has anxiety or anything. I will not tell strangers on the internet his testing and such as someone asked some really personal things that were way too invasive but due to being so odd and not doing work he went through a battery. Also he agrees he just doesn’t want to do things so he doesn’t.

              1. Special Needs Teacher*

                You won’t share that info but you’ll rant at length and in detail about how awful and pathetic he is? You’ll castigate him and tell us all about his “orange teeth”? Because that’s somehow LESS personal? How hypocritical can you be?

                That kid is suffering and you are too self-centred and judgemental to help him. He deserves so much better. Poor kid!

                You need to take a long hard look at yourself. You’re the adult here. Act like it.

            2. Imtheone*

              Thanks for this insight. I agree that so many seemingly inexplicable problems can be understood when we have more knowledge about possible causes. Very interesting about the placement of the kitchen. I know people who forget to eat, and some of it is the stress involved in preparing even simple foods.

            3. NACSACJACK*

              @Tau – i find this very interesting. Dating someone that has to have things a certain way. In most cases okay with it, but in some, its like a sideways glance at him. Dont remember what med it was that he doesnt take, but it has neuro triggers in it. He’s never been diagnosed with an issue, but just through trial and error knows he needs to watch out for that.

        2. C Baker*

          I think you really, really need to adjust the IEP to allow for her to not hand in the homework. If it’s taking four hours to get it done then it’s negatively impacting her life and probably her education.

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        And we’ve been working with her on strategies since 1st grade.

        This is a husband problem not in my mind a student problem. I need to get him to understand why I don’t want to keep her from going to that dance, that it’s not an appropriate level of response.

        1. AcademiaNut*

          It sounds rather punitive, given that she’s working with a medically diagnosed condition. Restricting external activities for time reasons is one thing, and can make sense. But being barred from hobbies and social activities and family time so that she spend all her time struggling with something that she’s bad at sounds like a really joyless existence. It’s like if you were struggling at your job and no matter how hard you worked it didn’t improve, but you can’t quit and have to work overtime and weekends to try to compensate.

          And a question to think about – what if she’s doing the best she can? What if no level of punishment or isolation will force her to get good grades in all her classes?

        2. Reba*

          Yeah, it’s a too-punitive stance on your husband’s part. Especially when it sounds like she is trying. She doesn’t need to be grounded for being “bad”–you are all working on this together (I assume that your husband works just as much as you and your daughter on this issue…?). I know you know this, just encouraging your point of view. :)

          Maybe you can argue that a reward for effort (mostly A’s!!!!!!!!!) is a good motivation, rather than motivation through threatened punishment, more privation/overwhelming focus on schoolwork. Many kids–and adults–do better when they have motivation and scope to succeed at the things they are passionate about. Maybe your child will never get good at French, but she will blossom in drama, and it will be *that* that makes school worthwhile, not grades. Hope that made sense.

          Does he think she will get better at schoolwork if school is just grinding misery with no fun parts? Why does that seem like the goal?

          Does he actually want her to not have fun, while she is young? Is keeping her from doing things that are usually considered memorable, milestone events with friends good for her? Does he really think she should grow up without these experiences? If not this dance, when?

          Is there something else about the dance in particular that bothers him, that he hasn’t named (worries about boys, drinking)?

          I’d ask him all these questions and make sure you are on the same page about A) what is reasonable academic performance to demand of ANY kid, and B) what ADD looks like in your child and the APPROPRIATE strategies recommended by a professional to cope. Good luck SSC and your daughter, too.

        3. Mm*

          I have severe ADHD growing up and my parents acting much like your husband wants to. My relationship with them is very poor and it took years of therapy to get over the trauma of being punished for having a learning disability.

        4. neverjaunty*

          If he doesn’t understand, I suspect it’s because he doesn’t want to understand – he’s prioritizing his own feelings of frustration and need to lash out over making a sensible choice.

          Draw a line in the sand. You don’t need to approach this from the perspective of “his decision is right until I can talk him out of it”. It’s a consequence you don’t agree to impose, and therefore it’s not happening. Period. What’s he going to do – lock the door so she can’t leave? File for divorce? I doubt it. But if you make it clear to him that you do not agree with his decision and you are not going to simply go along with it, maybe that will snap him out of his snit enough to get him to listen to you.

      3. Mabel Pines*

        Commenting for the first time ever for this. I grew up with undiagnosed ADHD and did poorly in school because I rarely turned in homework. My parents and teachers focused on consequences and not the underlying issues. My childhood education years were grim. As an adult managing my ADHD I am thriving both professionally and personally, but not because of those consequences my parents and teachers thought were teaching me such Important Lessons. Now I have an 11 year old stepdaughter and she is starting to forget to turn in assignments so we are starting daily routines with her where she unloads her bag and briefs us on everything and clears the clutter and updates the homework tracker. It is sometimes laborious but we are trying to teach her to have a set routine every day just like we do at work and show her that everybody is accountable, just like I have to give my boss a daily status update. It sounds way more like a dictatorship than it is, in practice it is more like her time for show and tell with us after school. It is just one system that happens to work for us to keep her on top of her assignments every day and remind her that we are invested. Hugs to you and your family, this parenting stuff is harder than I imagined.

      4. popgoesthescaleagain*

        Oh I have so many feelings about this as someone who was raised this way. As the kid who was made to quit activities because of my grades/homework issues/undiagnosed ADHD, this parenting method gave me so many complexes that affect me both now and when I was a kid. I missed out on so much by only seeing classmates in school and not working in groups outside an academic setting. It’s also highly likely that she is feeling isolated. Unless she is actively working with a doctor to develop coping mechanisms for ADD, you are just punishing her for things she has a hard time controlling, and it’s no doubt making her feel worse than she does. Please rethink! Past me is advocating for future her in a way I never could.

    3. Washi*

      Is your question whether you should punish her for her homework issues by not letting her go to the dance?

      If that’s something you already established as a consequence, then maybe. But if your husband wants to retroactively declare that that is another consequence for the homework problem, then I would say no, mostly because that doesn’t feel fair to me! Especially if you get the sense that she’s genuinely trying to improve.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        He’s saying no dance, considering it part of the same “must keep up” that we’ve said for years.
        I think it’s a new level of social activity and telling her no is much more extreme than he realizes.
        I don’t know how to get him to understand that.

        1. fposte*

          What about this: this isn’t a one-off but likely something your daughter is going to struggle with for a long time. Is it his plan to keep her from ever doing anything social during her childhood if the struggle continues? Hopefully the answer isn’t yes. If it’s no, then what about a discussion as to what the policy is, what’s an infraction vs. what’s a struggle, and what punishments make sense to levy if you think of them as things you’ll be enacting for years and not just right now.

          And if the decision is she does need to be punished, I really, really encourage the two of you to find ways to do it that don’t cut off social possibilities for a kid who’s already lost a huge amount of them.

          1. Reba*

            well said, fposte! Locking down your kid’s social outlets is going to make her lonely and not necessarily a better student.

            Looking back, I lost touch with a friend in high school due to this kind of dynamic. At the time I wasn’t really equipped to see what was happening with her (aside from how it affected me) but she was under a lot of pressure and we just saw… less and less and less of her. Her parents became more and more controlling.

            1. Not a cat*

              In high school, I became a joke among my peers because I was always punished. I was even punished on my graduation day. I had to go home and go to my room. Teachers were annoyed because I had to ask them for “extra help” even when I didn’t need it (basically parents demanded that I ask teachers to give me extra homework and then make sure I did it). My guidance counselor had my parents come in several times, but it made things worse.
              OP, I am not trying to make you feel bad or call you names. I am trying to let you know how this may be perceived by your daughter. My parents were extreme but it all started with a C+ in AP Biology first semester freshman year.

          2. Thursday Next*

            fposte makes an extremely important point here.

            Social development is crucial and needs to be treated as another facet of adolescent growth and learning. Particularly if it turns out there is something larger underpinning a child’s executive functioning.

      2. Washi*

        Also I don’t know much about ADHD but in general I think punishments that are actually just natural consequences are better – like if she never had time to finish her homework with drama club, then it makes sense to skip drama club for a year. But not going to a dance doesn’t seem to connect with that – it’s a one-time chance to have fun with her friends and it’s not like being left out will improve her academic performance.

        1. Anona*

          Seconding this. A dance is a social milestone, rather than an academic one. I agree that skipping it would be more serious, since it’s a one time thing, and doesn’t seem like a natural consequence.

        3. Auntie Social*

          Yes, I agree. I’d allow her to go to the dance with her friends. Not letting her go is just overly punitive, IMO.

    4. Juiced*

      Poor academic performance already HAS consequences. What it does not need is punishment.

      If her “poor” academic performance is the consequence of ADHD, punishing her by preventing her attending a social event will do nothing to improve her academic performance, and will only make her feel worse about her situation, resentful of her parents, and frustrated by her additional support needs. Thus likely lowering her self-esteem, and damaging her relationships with her support network.

      What is your husband’s goal here? Why does he think this is a helpful and productive course of action? That will decide how to approach the discussion, I think.

    5. WellRed*

      She’s getting mostly As, despite the diagnosis and you all consider this poor academic performance? What am I missing here? Poor kid.

      1. only acting normal*

        I misread the original post and thought it was C- average in most classes (except one). But you’re right, it’s almost straight As (except one where it’s a C- average).
        Why the hell is husband bent on punishment for that?

        1. Stormfeather*

          It’s like he wants to punish her for being ill, or for not being perfect.

          Put your foot down. Let her go to the dance, and maybe even lighten up a bit to put some more social stuff back into her schedule if she enjoys it, even if she slips back down to *gasp* a B or something.

          It sounds more like people need to work more on getting her schedules or even meds she can cope with TBH. I hate suggesting meds when the usual thought is that kids are over medicated, but no kid should regularly be having to spend four hours a day on homework and missing out on their hobbies and social life. Obviously I can’t do any diagnosing and don’t know the whole situation but it seems like things aren’t working as they are.

        2. Not a cat*

          My parents were like this. It made my childhood a constant misery which has made for a miserable, depressed adult with a head full of negative self-talk and self-isolation. I haven’t talked to my mother in over 20 years. Please, please don’t continue down this path.

        3. Kat in VA*

          I had this also. Straight As in all classes but they honed in on the C (usually in Math) and whoops, you’re grounded again.

    6. Jean (just Jean)*

      Everyone else has made good comments (especially the ones about a dance being an important social milestone and a one-time experience, not ongoing like drama club). One more reason is that the dance is probably not scheduled for a time in which your daughter would otherwise be doing homework. I’m assuming that the event is scheduled for a Friday or Saturday evening and most students struggling with ADD have at least some time away from their homework on weekends. Plus if she goes she gets to feel just like everyone else which is a good experience for any kid otherwise learning to live with some aspect of being “different.”

    7. Laura H.*

      How is she doing right now?

      All of the other restrictions deal with the long term.

      How is she doing right now? Are her study habits good this past two weeks/ a certain amount of time? Has she turned in her homework more reliably in this amount of time?

      Rewards work too. Short term evaluations work.

      Don’t just let her go, but do evaluate her progress and factor that in (I’m hoping she gets to go though.)

    8. Competent Commenter*

      As someone with ADHD and a son also just diagnosed, it is so sad to me that your husband wants to impose consequences on your daughter for symptoms of a learning disorder. She’s already struggling and on top of it she’s got a parent who is reinforcing that it’s her fault. This is why people with ADHD suffer from lifelong feelings of shame. I highly recommend he/you listen to ADDitude podcasts for better parenting strategies and tools. There may also be local groups or workshops for parents. He needs to move from punishment focused to solution focused.

    9. Book Lover*

      My brilliant kid with ADHD is getting Bs and Cs. It is frustrating because part of me wants to say that he can do better. But he can’t do better, if he could he would. I encourage him to do his best and praise him, I haven’t restricted any activities based on his grades. I would be over the moon if he were getting As in most classes.

      Everyone is different, of course, but I have been working very hard on trying to be ok with my genius kid doing poorly in school, recognizing school rewards something he just isn’t good at. It is hard, but grades aren’t everything – our relationship and his happiness need to take a priority.

      So, congratulations on having a hardworking kid who is doing amazing despite having a brain that functions a bit differently, and please support her and I hope she has a wonderful time at the dance.

    10. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Thanks for the concerns.
      I too have ADD. Yes she has meds, schedules, routines, and an accommodation program with the school. Yes she’s appreciated for the good person she is and the good grades she does get.

      I think the most useful suggestion so far has been to point out to my husband that this is NOT on a school night so is NOT a time frame when she’d normally be expected to be doing homework and is therefore NOT in the same classification of removed activity as we’ve otherwise stated.
      I may not have a thick enough skin for being the OP.

      1. fposte*

        Sorry, SSC. You asked early in a busy thread about something people have a lot of feelings about, so the responses got intense. Take a break from the thread if you need to, but consider also showing it to your husband so he can hear from people who were hurt by parental responses like this. It sounds like you and he are figuring out how to be a team as she gets older while still supporting your kid; that’s pretty common, I think, and I know sometimes people find counseling useful for that.

        1. Villanelle*

          Perhaps the people commenting could also take a breath before posting potentially hurtful things. Works both ways, fposte.

          1. Ask a Manager* Post author

            I didn’t see people posting hurtful things; I saw people sharing their own experiences and, as requested, opinions and advice. It’s a really hard and personal issue so it makes sense that reading through people’s thoughts on it can be difficult, but that doesn’t mean people posted hurtful comments.

            1. Ann O.*

              I see people making assumptions about what actions have/haven’t been taken and then writing based on those assumptions. That then has the result of giving advice that’s not needed/mildly condescending and not giving the advice that’s been sought, which can feel quite hurtful.

              1. fposte*

                I don’t know if there’s a solution to that in an asychronous conversation like this, though–there isn’t time for people to ask followup questions to clarify, so they’re going to hit what seems to be the most important point based on what’s been presented. But I’d be interested in hearing your thoughts on that too–maybe there’s a suggestion for how people could ask questions that would give that information up front? (I confess I’m not a big fan of telling prospective answerers what the questioner *doesn’t* want to hear about, but I respond pretty well to “we’ve got this info, and I’m especially interested in that other info.” What do you think?

                1. Ann O.*

                  IMHO, we would go a long way if answerers followed a protocol of only giving advice to the specific question and using questions to clarify broader issues. But that requires answerers to take a breath and really ask themselves about whether their response is on topic or off topic before clicking Submit.

          2. fposte*

            Villanelle, you seem to think I was reproving SSC. I wasn’t. I was sorry that she’d felt piled on and I was explaining why I thought it had happened.

            SSC, if you thought I was reproving you, I definitely apologize; I wasn’t.

      2. ket*

        For the discussion with your husband, here’s a site on natural and logical consequences: https://extension.umn.edu/encouraging-respectful-behavior/using-natural-and-logical-consequences It might give you some wording to work with to explain to your husband why you think the dance isn’t the thing to take away.

        It sounds like you’re trying to be thoughtful and advocate for your kid. That’s good! Yay SSC!

        Last, I’ll point out all the research that shows ADDers are over-represented among entrepreneurs, etc., partly because many developed their strengths in making relationships, keeping a lot of projects in the air concurrently, and seeking paths to success that didn’t go through a high GPA. Sometimes a good ‘story’ can really help a kid/adult through things, and the ‘story’ of ADD success even with spotty grades is definitely there.

    11. C Baker*

      I’ve always been told that consequencing doesn’t help kids (or adults) with ADHD even a little.

      If her trouble is primarily that the homework is getting done but not handed in, I’d want to see if there is a structural way to fix this, which might be as simple as having her teacher ask for it explicitly at the end of class every day. (Actually, I’d seriously consider asking to have ‘no homework’ put in the IEP, or at least requiring that it can only be a small percentage of her grade.)

    12. Anonymo*

      Are our husbands related?? He is SO STRICT with our ADD girl (despite also being ADD, and having a pretty crappy relationship with his parents over the “punish it out of him” approach) Its helped to understand she does worse in classes she doesnt like- usually due to personality conflicts with the teachers or the method of teaching. That was a big revelation for Husband, because I could point to very specific examples where he did/does do a crappier job when he didnt like his boss (or my sister or that guy in his service group he really hates gets paired up with him occasionally) and hes able to guide her in ways to deal with whatever it is (Which is still my big husband problem, that he feels he MUST fix problems and turns towards his upbringing when he cant figure out how to fix it otherwise). Heres hoping you and Husband can figure out the right way for your girl, whether its off the wall or old school, yall are doing your best!

    13. LilySparrow*

      Maybe this will help your husband:

      ADHD brains do not respond to the “carrot & stick” the way typical brains do. They are wired differently. Negative reinforcement backfires.

      An ADHD brain lacks dopamine (among other issues). The most common ADHD meds work because they release dopamine, which helps the brain function normally.

      Dopamine is the chemical reward, it makes the brain happy, focused, and motivated. The feeling, “Sure, I can do that! It’s a lot of work, so I better get started right away!” That’s dopamine talking.

      The feeling, “I just can’t even, it’s too hard, it’s too complicated, it’ll never get better”: That’s lack of dopamine talking.

      If you remove all rewards and fun, you will starve her brain of its natural dopamine sources. You will increase her dependency on medication. And you risk her just giving up. If she has mostly A’s, she is working damn hard.

      Fun will actually help her in a practical way. Discouragement will undermine her and make it harder for her to succeed.

      It’s like telling a kid with Type I diabetes she can’t have any insulin until she puts on some weight.

    14. Not So NewReader*

      She’s getting mostly As? Tell your husband that many parents would give their right arm to be in his shoes with a good student like your daughter.

      She reminds me of me. I had that one course I did not do well in. I told my parents the reasons, x, y and z. They just told me to get out of the course. On another occasion I had to finish the course to fill requirements. They said, “Do the best you can and learn what you can.”

      While my father was strict and old fashioned, he did know for a fact that different people learn differently and letter grades do not necessarily reflect what a student has learned. If I got a D the worst thing he would say is “see what you can do to bump that up to even a low C.” I knew from experience with him that Cs were fine, he would say, “I see you working at your studies every night. You work hard for your grades.”

      I don’t know her setting but my grades were very subject based. You could count on me to do okay in English but my grades were always lower in math and science than they were in English. I was consistent like that.

      Since the problem seems to be with that one course, I think I would talk with her about what is going on with that class. How’s the teacher and the students? Does she sit up front or near the back? (I did better when I sat up front.) Does she like the text book? (I had a text book for calc whose authors should have been banned from ever writing a book again. And that teacher came to class stoned every day. I explained to my father that he did not make sense because of being stoned and I was using the text book to get the meat and potatoes of the course. Yeah, the crappy text book. My father saw the problems.)

      Remind your husband that a student does not have to get straight As to be successful in life. Conversely just because a student gets straight As does not guaranty that they will be successful in life. Many things go into being a successful adult.

    15. Girl friday*

      Section off the little spot of her homework like the bottom inch and a half. Write please sign and return to parents and make a big line for a signature and the dotted line for cutting. Send a letter to her teachers asking them to sign at the bottom and tear or cut it off when she turns in her homework. Collect all of those for a week and then give her a reward on Saturday, every Saturday that she turns them into you. That will help everybody. Give a little daily rewards you if she brings them home every day. Get her a little cute sparkly envelope to keep them in or something.

    16. Smarty Boots*

      I’m not going to comment on the learning issues — it sounds like you have already had her tested and I’m guessing have an IEP or 504 for her. If you don’t, you should do that. If you could talk with a learning specialist, that person could help you figure out new strategies for your daughter and also could have suggestions on how to revise the IEP or 504.

      I’m sorry some of the other commenters are calling you names or accusing you or your husband of not caring or being bad or oblivious parents. Really, folks, how is this helpful?

      Since all but one class is an A, she’s actually doing quite well, and you should help her figure out how to address the problem with the A/F class. Talk with her about the A classes — is she turning work in for those? If so, what makes those classes different for her from the A/F class? (Kind of work? How it’s turned in? When it’s turned in? Teacher expectations or personality? Something going on in that class? Something going on right before that class? Etc). For instance, does she have to turn in the work on paper in class, or could she turn it in online as soon as she finishes it? That could be something you get into the IEP or 504– I’d start by asking the teacher if that would be ok, and then move to getting the accommodation plan revised.

      Punishments— I really don’t think these are effective ways of addressing your daughters learning issues. It’s reasonable to identify activities that suck up large amounts of time and put those on hold, or to allow just one activity that’s time intensive. Figure out with your daughter how much free time she has each week with just school, homework, home chores, eating, sleeping, etc. — then figure out with her what extracurriculars are reasonable for that amount of time.

      I’m sorry you and your hubs are at odds on this. I’d get him to agree to try a non punitive approach for say 6 weeks to see if it makes a difference. You know best how to talk with him, although perhaps talking with a school counselor or learning specialist may be more helpful.

      Good luck! Even kids without learning disabilities have to learn these skills, it’s just amped up for kids with LDs. You got this, mom!

    17. Koala dreams*

      I’m not sure I’m reading this correctly, I thought A was the best grade and F the worst? Since she has A in all classes but one, that sounds to me like academic success. Oh well, school is confusing.

      As for the school dance, I’m not sure which sides you and your husband is on, but I think you should let her go if she wants to. This kind of thing is often very popular with teenagers, and she risks feeling left out if all her best friends go and she doesn’t. It’s a small sacrifice on the side of parents compared to a regular activity where you need to drive every week and pay fees every semester, but it’s a big thing in the life of your child. Good luck!

    18. Imtheone*

      There are lots of good interventions to help students with ADHD. Taking away things that the student enjoys is just more likely to make her angry and depressed. She needs to be allowed to go to the dance.
      For a start, she needs a system t remember to turn in homework, including a personal check-in with her teacher. This should be part of the accommodations for her ADHD. And then when she does turn in her homework, she needs some kind of reward/acknowledgement. That which is easy for other people is hard for her, and if she does it, even with reminders, that is great.
      When she has homework, try to sit with her. We would all work at the dining room table. A recognized and effective strategy for kids with ADHD is to have someone nearby keeping an eye on them. Then the child doesn’t have to use up so much energy making herself work and can use that energy in actually working.
      You might look for programs that focus on improving executive function and improving study skills.
      (I’m speaking as someone with a masters in special education and experience teaching and tutoring students with issues such as ADHD.)

  10. Loopy*

    All! I won my bake-off :) It turned out I was mostly the only entused one as there were only four other entries in a division of well over 100, but still. Yay. I beat out a buttermilk pie, blueberry cobbler, smoked peach cobbler, and oreo cheesecake bites.

    In other news, this morning I discovered a funny quirk. Apparently three scrambled eggs is too much. I cannot handle the egg to toast ratio and will not touch eggs alone on a plate (must be on toast. Must). So when some fell off on to the plate, I was like ew, no. Those eggs are not being eaten.

    Anyone else have extremely particular quirks a la eggs-must-be-on-toast?

    1. Waiting for the Sun*

      Prefer eggs on toast as well. Cottage cheese must be on something else- cracker or slice of fruit.

    3. Seeking Second Childhood*

      No butter or margarine on my toast if im making it into an egg sandwich. Apparently that’s not restaurant standard because it took years for my restaurant-trained husband to remember. Mornings are hard, we all run on rote.)

    4. Overeducated*

      Eggs must be hot. Beware ordering at restaurants, because if they sit out waiting while other people’s food is prepared, they will not be worth eating.

    5. Serenity*

      My eggs have to be scrambled and eaten with hash browns! Very very tasty. Now I want to go out for breakfast.

      Congrats on the bake off! What did you make? I’m not a regular commenter and don’t always read the weekend threads so if you said something previously I probably missed it.

      1. Loopy*

        I only eat scrambled eggs as well (no idea why omelets feel so different).

        I made s’mores cupcakes” chocolate cupcake with a marshmallow creme filling, topped with super creamy, rich milk chocolate buttermilk frosting and a dusting of graham cracker crumbs and some of the marshmallow creme drizzle on top. AND apple spice cupcakes with a caramel frosting. The apple spice cupcakes were simpler but better- the cinnamon and nutmeg spices really came through and having chunks of apple in there pushed them over into heaven territory!!!

        2. NACSACJACK*

          I am with you. I dont like omlets. I want my eggs scrambled. Yet half the time, when I order an omlet scrambled, I get the omlet. :(

      2. Windchime*

        I will only eat scrambled eggs, or eggs that have been otherwise beaten before being cooked, like in an omelet. I hate the texture of egg yolks like in a hard boiled egg, and would absolutely NEVER eat a gooey yolk from a fried egg. When I go to a restaurant, I make sure to ask for my eggs to be scrambled dry, because I won’t eat them if they are goopy and half-cooked.

        Yes, I’m picky. But I make a damned fine scrambled egg.

    6. Villanelle*

      I like my eggs next to my toast but not on because I don’t like soggy toast.

      Well done on the win!

      1. Loopy*

        Ooooo my scrambled eggs are quite well done and I avoid the soggy toast. Mostly. I think. I may have to report back next week to confirm.

    7. A.N. O'Nyme*

      I am very particular about which foods can touch each other and which can’t. Meatballs in tomato sauce with fries? Tomato sauce CANNOT touch fries (turns them soggy, blech).

      2. Parenthetically*

        I’m FASCINATED. Dying to know where you’re from that meatballs in tomato sauce are served with… fries!

        1. A bit of a saga*

          I live in Belgium and meatballs in tomato sauce with fries is on pretty much every menu. I’ve come to really like it

        2. A.N. O'Nyme*

          Yep, it’s Belgium. We’ll have just about everything with french fries.
          I’ve been told by an American friend it never occurred to you to have them with mayonaise? But you do have them with vinegar????

          3. Someone Else*

            Fries with vinegar in the US is generally a Rhode Island thing, notsomuch the rest of the country.

    8. Red Reader*

      I can only eat eggs if they are hard-boiled with mayo involved. I love egg salad and will eat deviled eggs by the dozen, and apparently I make fantastic omelets, scrambles and fried eggs at any level, but I can’t eat them, they turn my stomach.

      2. Anonymouse for this*

        I can’t eat hard boiled eggs on their own – the texture of the egg white makes me gag. But I love the egg salad sandwiches a friend makes for picnics.

    9. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      Congrats on winning the bake-off! Now I’m curious to try what you made that won!

      1. Loopy*

        I made s’mores cupcakes which are chocolate cupcake with a marshmallow creme filling, topped with super creamy, rich milk chocolate buttermilk frosting and a dusting of graham cracker crumbs and some of the marshmallow creme drizzle on top. AND apple spice cupcakes with a caramel frosting. The apple spice cupcakes were simpler but better- the cinnamon and nutmeg spices really came through and having chunks of apple in there pushed them over into heaven territory!!! The apples ones actually won!

    10. CAA*

      Congrats on the win! So what did you end up making? You told us about the losing dishes, but please, tell us about the winner!

    11. Not a cat*

      About a year ago I discovered eggs and rice with furikaki, kimchi and soy sauce. Now I can’t eat eggs any other way! Soooo good!

        1. Not a cat*

          I dump 2 eggs into hot rice and mix them really fast. Sometimes I microwave it for 30 seconds to be sure the rice is hot enough to cook the eggs.

          SO GOOD! :)

        2. Not a cat*

          Have you tried it on french fries w/ parmesan cheese? A restaurant ’round here does it that way and it is amazing.

      1. ElspethGC*

        Ditto. My eggs need to be nonexistent. Texture issues, mostly. Eggy bread (French toast to me is thinner bread and with fruit, eggy bread is just good ol’ carbs) is good, though, but I can’t breathe through my nose while it’s cooking because the smell makes me faintly nauseous.

      2. Loopy*

        Thats how I usually am but lately I’ve been able to handle eggs with cheese and toast because mmmm cheese and carbs

  11. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Apparently our next door neighbour has THE BEST tree for sitting in, according to one of our cats. We knew he spent time up in that tree but now that it’s autumn he stands out quite a bit. It’s rather funny watching that branch bopping around in the wind, him sitting on it without a care in the world…

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        Sadly, no. He tends to sit in spots that are difficult to photograph from our own backyard or in such a way the lighting is bad (right now, for example, it’s rather sunny over here, but the sun is coming from behind him so if you try to take a picture he looks like a shadowy blob)

    2. nonegiven*

      The house next door apparently has the best roof and once in a while a cat will discover it. There is a railing around the covered patio. From the railing to the roof of a small storage building, then across the roof over the patio and to the top of the roof of the house.

  12. LGC*

    Morning guys! How’ve you been? How’s your running been?

    First of all, I want to shout out The Librarian for running the Philadelphia Marathon tomorrow! Good luck, man – I’ve heard it’s a pretty good course. It looks like it’ll be a bit on the cool side, which could be good and bad. (For me, I’ve run decently well in cold weather, but it hurts to race in that kind of weather!)

    Speaking of races: anyone else planning on doing a turkey trot? (Thanksgiving Day race.) I’m planning on doing one, I’m just not sure which one! My club’s putting a smallish 5k on…not too far from me (like, the start is literally within walking distance of my house). There’s a larger 8k further out from me (NJ people might know this one – it’s Ashenfelter) that’s…pretty competitive! I’m kind of on the fence – the 8k has better race souvenirs (better shirts, mugs for the top 100 male and female finishers), but again, it’s pretty competitive and a trip. But then again, a few of my friends might be doing the 8k. But my club is unable to field a team (we’re small, most of us did NYC, and also it’s Thanksgiving and some of us are traveling), which would be the real reason I’d do it.

    1. acmx*

      Morning! I’m sitting in my car waiting for a 5k to start. It’s too cold to go stand outside and wait (cold is relative).
      I’m thinking of doing a turkey trot. But they’re both a small trip for me.
      I think I’d do the one outside my door instead of the long haul. Except you could place at the 8k, right? You’re fast.

      1. LGC*

        Good luck today – and hopefully Thursday! I’m hoping your race goes awesome!

        (And yeah, that’s the other thing. I know I can probably get in the top 100, since I did last year and I’ve gotten better since. But then I opened my cabinets and realized they were pretty full already!)

    2. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      Thanks so much, LGC! But…with three days to go before the race, I decided to pull out. On my next-to-last run before the race Monday, I felt pain in my left knee about three miles in, and even after getting five days of rest, I couldn’t imagine any scenario in which a 26.2 mile race would go well. I thought about going to Philly anyway and switching to the half, which I know I could get through, but decided my body was telling me the game was over. And after wallowing in a bit of self-pity for a few days and being reluctant to make the decision, I’m cool with this now. I got in all of my training runs, which is what I really wanted. If I did gut my way through a marathon somehow, I’d risk being sidelined for months, and I really want to recover for next year and be able to run some good half-marathons. I’m hoping one of them is the NYC Half, which I entered the lottery for (probably a long shot).

      As for turkey trots: I love them, but as my family has gotten larger over the years, they’ve become more logistically difficult. I’ve only done one in my life. How is your recovery from the marathon going, LGC? Unless you’re certain you’re back to 100 percent strength, honestly I’d probably do the shorter race that’s closer to home.

      1. LGC*

        Aw man! Sorry to hear that! Good luck with the NYC Half lottery – I didn’t enter this year because my best friend is getting married that day. (If you could transfer entries, I totally would have entered and done so.)

        As for my recovery: I’m lacing up my shoes to jog 2 miles and then do a 10-mile run, so…I’m feeling pretty good. I’m being cautious, though.

        1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

          10 miles less than two weeks after a marathon! I can’t even. Good for you.

          Thanks for the kind words re: the NYC Half. You’re more well versed in NYRR than I am; how much of a long shot is getting into a big race via lottery? I’m imagining it’s something like a 1 in 5 chance, but it could just as easily be 1 in 100 for all I know. I’m not realistically expecting to get in, and maybe it’s in my best interest if I don’t anyway, but I’m curious to know just how unrealistic it is.

          1. LGC*

            For the NYC Marathon, it’s 1 in 6. I think the chance for NYC Half would be higher – it’s a smaller race (22k last year), but lower profile. So I’d guess closer to 50/50?

            It’s certainly possible to be turned down – my teammate got turned down last year, but I got in (granted, he had a rough stretch of racing for the past few years, but my ONLY race at that time was a 1:30 half marathon that fall). But again – New York is famously difficult and the odds aren’t that low!

    3. First 5K*

      I posted before about getting ready for my first 5K – it’s in two weeks!!! I’m hoping the weather actually changes from what it says it’s going to be – RAIN! I mean it’s New England – it will change … hopefully not to snow but whatever I’m still running it …. or fast walking… or something….

      I can’t wait until spring when it’s light out at 5am and I can get more running done during the week. Then I’ll be in even better shape for the next 5K. Because no matter how this one goes I’m doing another 5K in 2019! Just maybe not the same one.

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        They can’t forecast weather that far out. If you notice the long range forecasts, they will ALWAYS call for rain or snow two weeks out… that’s to cover themselves. No one will be upset if a rain forecast changes to sunshine, but plenty of people will be angry the other way.

        Anyhow, all the best of luck in the 5K!

        1. First 5K*

          Thanks for the good wishes!

          I was mostly joking around :) I know it’s going to change and I won’t really know the weather until that morning!

      2. LGC*

        Good luck! I’m actually running a 5k on that weekend as well! (I totally forgot because I signed up for it in September.)

        So, anyway, you didn’t ask for this, but…if it does rain, I’d still go race. I’d just come prepared – with a change of clothes (including socks and shoes!) for afterwards, towels, that sort of stuff. A lot of people will put plastic bags on their feet – I’ve never done so, but it’s an option. It’s also why I really recommend training when the weather isn’t perfect, unless the weather is especially terrible (like thunder). My opinion is that you can’t predict what the weather will be like on race day, so you might as well prepare for everything.

        Also…still continue running during the week, if possible! Get a headlight and reflective gear, and that should help a lot. You don’t need anything fancy – the headlight I use was $10 on Amazon, and I have shoe clips that were about $10 as well. This does depend on where you live – if there are other safety concerns (like wildlife, traffic, crime, other things), you might need to consider those as well. (For example, the park trail by me closes half an hour after sunset and is not really lit at all.)

        1. First 5K*

          Thanks!

          And also thanks for the suggestions! I’m going to plan for the worst and hope fur the best ;) I put a hat with a brim under my winter hat to keep the rain out of my eyes if I have to.

          As for running during the week – we have at I’m actually able to use a treadmill at work a few nights a week so I’m okay there – I just really prefer running outside – it’s not as boring and easier in general.

          I know I haven’t pushed myself as much as I should have in preparation for this 5K but I do want to improve so I’m definitely keeping all of your suggestions in mind!

          1. LGC*

            To be honest, you’re probably fine! I’m a little crazy in that weather doesn’t usually discourage me from running, and I’ve had to learn to run at night (although I much prefer running during the day). But it’s something I just recently got used to doing.

            My philosophy is that I can’t control the weather, but I can control my response. And a lot of the time, the best stories are from races in the worst conditions. (Ask Sarah Sellers.)

      3. CoffeeOnMyMind*

        I recommend a hat with a visor to help keep rain out of your eyes. I’ve run in rain and snow, and a visor does wonders. Good luck on your race!

        1. First 5K*

          Thank you!
          Yes – I’ve got a hat that should work under my winter hat so I think I’m set there.

      4. Jane of All Trades*

        Good luck! How exciting! I ran my first 5k about 11 months ago, and have done 2 longer races since then. I was supposed to do another 10k a few weeks back but work got in the way, both of training and on race day. Today I did another 5k to prepare for a longer run in 2 or 3 weeks. It was harder than I would have liked (due to not being able to run as regularly), but I bested my time from 10 months ago by 4 minutes.
        I hope you enjoy your race in two weeks. If possible try running the course before race day, so you know what to expect.

        1. First 5K*

          Thanks! Unfortunately, I can’t run the course ahead of time in this case because it’s in the middle of a city on streets that they close for the race.

    4. CoffeeOnMyMind*

      I’m volunteering at a 5K & 10K turkey trot this weekend. I’m manning the water stations. It’s going to be freezing but fun!

      1. LGC*

        Good luck and try to stay dry! (And warm!)

        (Just be glad I’m not going to be there. I think on one water stop at NYC I had to reach for three cups before I managed to grab one!)

        1. CoffeeOnMyMind*

          Hoo boy, just got back from volunteering at the race and it was a doozy. I’m not sure if all races are like this, but it was crazy chaotic: 20 volunteers’ shifts ended before the race started so there wasn’t enough people to hand out medals, remove timing chips, or man gear check. Some of the race vendors stepped in so the rest of us wouldn’t get crushed by the onslaught of runners at the finish line. And then they ran out of medals. Turns out the shipment was short a couple hundred medals, and they won’t be in for 2 weeks. The race organizers “forgot” to tell us this, and so we ended up having to deal with many unhappy runners. It was crazy town. And my thighs are burning from squatting for 90 minutes, removing timing chips. Great unintentional workout, but ouch!

    5. Junior Dev*

      I’m off running or any kind of exercise these last few weeks but I want to go for a jog I think.

      I saw a physical therapist and she gave me some goals for core and hip strength before I can run much. So I’ve got to be better at doing those exercises.

      The weather is really nice today so it’ll be good to get out there.

    6. SG*

      My family switches which side we do Thanksgiving with every other year, and when in Nashville we do a 5 mile run. It’s been SUCH a fun thing to do every time we’re down there. It’s also nice if you’re a more frequent runner to push yourself a little bit – the extra mile or two doesn’t really add much time past the 5k time and I always feel really proud of myself after for making myself do a little more.

      1. LGC*

        THAT EXTRA 2 MILES HURTS, THOUGH.

        (At least it did for me at the time. Actually, what REALLY hurt was the first mile because it was literally freezing and I ran a 5:45 first mile. My 5k PR at the time was…17:47, which roughly works out to 5:43/mile. It hurt to breathe after half a mile.)

    7. CheeryO*

      My brother and I will be running an 8K Trot here in Buffalo. It’s supposedly the oldest road race in America, older than the Boston Marathon. I’m in no way recovered from NYC, so it’ll be just for fun!

    8. A bit of a saga*

      I did a local 9 km race this morning. Good fun and it went well – my average pace was higher than the last 10 km I ran so an improvement. As we don’t have Thanksgiving here we also don’t have the Turkey trots – I’m a bit envious I must admit, sounds like fun! I am planning on a Christmas race, though, which should also be good.

      1. LGC*

        Congrats! I’m glad you did so well!

        If I remember correctly, Thanksgiving is actually now the biggest running day of the year in the US. (I think the 4th of July is the second biggest.) A lot of towns in my area run their own races, and I’m pretty settled on the 5k just because I don’t want to stress too much about things. One of the things I like about holiday races is that a lot of them become a bit like parties – you have people showing up in costumes, things like that. The 8k I mentioned is a little like that, since it’s open to the general public. It’s also highly competitive at the top end, because it’s a USATF-NJ Championship race. (Which sounds fancy, but basically means it’s…kind of like F1 or NASCAR, where the races are part of a series.)

        I’ve never done a Christmas-time race, actually – but it sounds interesting! Part of what’s put me off is…I’m going to be a bit of a hypocrite, but while I run year-round, I usually avoid winter races because of snow. (Last winter was…pretty bad for that, by my area’s standards.)

        1. A bit of a saga*

          Thanks:-) We don’t tend to get much snow here at all so I will brave the Christmas race – I think it should be similar in spirit to how you describe the Thanksgiving one with people dressed up, music etc. Good luck on the 5k – and have FUN!

    9. Clumsy Ninja*

      Just ran a 5K a week ago – had my best time in 3 years. My kid ran “with me” – as in did the same race – and he PRed. We’re both running a 3 mile turkey trot on Thursday. Should be fun, but it’s our first time on this particular one, so no idea how the set up is and whether we’ll make good time. I’ve tried three other local turkey trots before, and they all tend to be pretty jammed up for most of it, so just hoping it’s better than those. Then I have another 5K on the 1st and another on the 9th. Then that’s it for me until it hits spring time.

  13. Washi*

    Any book recommendations about anxiety specifically around perfectionism? There are so many out there! (Also I have read Brene Brown’s books and love them, but I’m looking for something that tackles anxiety more explicitly.)

    3. Jillociraptor*

      When Perfect Isn’t Good Enough by Martin Antony and Richard Swinton really helped me. It’s a workbook with a combination of some good writing explaining perfectionism, a few exercises to help you connect your own experience to the literature, and some concrete strategies to try, step by step, to develop coping mechanisms and re-route some of your perfectionist trenches. I went through the book one chapter every week or two to really dig into each idea and while this is still a major struggle for me, I have gotten much better at dealing with it!

  14. Rachel the Moderate*

    Anyone else struggle to explain depression to their spouse? We have a very complicated family life (newly blended family, lots of kids) and with his support I’ve been able to do things like stop working FT from an office and start consulting from home, I’ve got more time with my kids, but also more kids to spend time with, and I’m overwhelmed. I think I’ve been fighting the depression label for a while (this is my MO, and usually my mom is the one to point it out because I get really irritable). It just hit me the other day that this is what is going on, and I need treatment. But I think he’s confused about why I could possibly be depressed when I’ve basically changed my schedule to remove that stressor. I am almost ashamed that I told him, because I feel like he’s looking at me funny now. He’s a really good person and I think could understand, but I don’t know whether I should just treat it and get better and hope he reacts to me normally, or try to explain what this is and why it’s not a reflection on us? TIA

    1. Red Reader*

      As a spouse of someone who has struggled to explain depression and anxiety to me (because I am fortunate enough to have never really experienced either at a clinical level), I just need him to -a- realize that I don’t really get it, and knock wood never will, and -b- remember that he and I are on the same team and that I can’t control what his brain weasels tell him, but that the brain weasels are not on Team Us. So I need him to do his best not to flip out at me because of the brain weasels, and I need not to get exasperated with him when they’re chewing on his common sense. But I also need him to be honest with me when they’re chewing on him, and not just start acting weird and trying (and failing) to pretend everything is fine, because I’m not stupid, I can tell everything is not fine, and that just sends us both into a bad spiral.

      1. Rachel the Moderate*

        Thank you. I think this is what was happening. I have been trying, trying, trying to hold everything together, and then just kind of explode in a ball or either irritability or sadness, or a weird mix of both over something that seems small to everyone else. I like “brain weasels” and I think that is a great way to describe it! It must be really frustrating to see what looks like irrational behavior. I think my husband is constantly wondering “is this the thing that’s going to make her happy,” and then being disappointed and confused when it’s not.

        Can I also just say that it is constantly amazing to me to know there are people who never have these feelings? I am both envious and happy that not everyone has to experience this beyond the sadness that one would expect as part of life! Brains are amazing.

        1. B*

          I think it’s not so much “never have these feelings” and more “there is a specific environmental cause to the feelings when they happen” – i have experienced feelings that seem consistent with how depression is described, but in the context of being lonely, or maybe some seasonal affective disorder. Being with family/finding an so helped the former, getting good sleep, exercise, and getting outside some every day (even in the winter) helped the latter for me. What’s probably perplexing to those without experience in clinical depression is sometimes there is no fixable external “cause” (but sometimes meds/clinical tx help). Although I don’t think I have that sort of depression, I’ve done enough psych that I’m somewhat familiar with various types of depression, and there’s clearly types that seem driven by to internal biology, and some overlap, etc. So that’s my best guess.

          1. Red Reader*

            YES. I’m a fixer. Problems that don’t have solutions or even causes drive me bananacrackers, and that was the hardest part for me, realizing that there’s really not a whole lot I can do to help my husband with his brain weasels.

        2. Red Reader*

          I get anxiety type issues every once in a while – like, if I have to have a conversation with someone that will potentially be unpleasant, I’ll spend ages getting myself spun up about making up all the worst case scenarios and replaying the possible conversation in my head. But for me, that lasts a couple hours if I’m not doing something else that distracts me, then I have the conversation and I’m fine. The last time it happened, I was mumbling about it to my husband and I was like “Is that what it’s like, all the time?” And he goes “well, when I’m not properly medicated, yeah.” I can’t even imagine.

          I use the “brain weasels” term as a reference to the weasels from Who Framed Roger Rabbit, if that helps too – because they’re sleazy jerks who are out to cause trouble, screw up as much as they possibly can, and – in some cases – have less power over you if you can identify them as what they really are and get yourself to laugh them stupid. (That maybe sounds more flip than I mean it to; I hope you take my meaning.)

      2. Owler*

        My husband says the same. It’s so much better when (a) *I* can recognize I’m sliding and (b) I tell him. But putting those two puzzle pieces together has taken about ten years.

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      You can share my anecdote with him:

      Many years back I went to the ER with an asthma attack and was prescribed steroids without a taper. I asked about it, because the one previous time they had emphasized tapering off the dose, and the doc assured me they didn’t do that any more. Turns out, yes, they do, because that abrupt drop off the steroids can cause some alarming switches to flip in your brain. I was in a really dark spot for about a week, started to emerge, and only then was I able to look back and say “Oh, whoa, that wasn’t getting up on the wrong side of bed–that was biochemical.” More than a decade later I went into a similar mood, but gradually so I didn’t notice the shift for a long time. I didn’t have a ‘reason’ like some new external difficulty I couldn’t deal with–for quite illogical reasons some switches in my brain flipped, and it was not until I had spent much of a day crying about something that hadn’t happened, but would be very stressful if it did, that I connected how Not Normal this was and got help. Even though it took a bit to find the right drug, the immediate switch to my mood was really helpful in terms of resetting my baseline so it was easier to notice that I was slipping into “I should do X, but that requires some minimal effort which right now looks like a brick wall.”

      I’ve been off drugs and fine for some time, and while some things are different in my life–to degree rather than kind, and due to the passage of time–there is no “here is the external stressful thing that changed, thereby fixing/causing the depression.”

      1. Rachel the Moderate*

        Yes, thank you! I think that it’s a really hard leap for people who have sadness related to actual events (makes sense, follows logical progression) and what looks like a really nice life but the person doesn’t appreciate it. Which just feeds into the whole depressed thinking again, because you aren’t doing/reacting the way you are supposed to. I am glad you are doing better!

      2. fposte*

        I gave a relative Allie’s book and her therapist said it was the best depiction of depression she’d ever seen.

    4. Dr. Anonymous*

      Maybe he can listen to a few episodes of the Hilarious Wprld is Depression podcasts. They’re great interviews with celebrities he has heard of and their experience with depression. I think it helps people see how the inside doesn’t match the outside and how someone with a “great life” can still be trapped in a dark brain.

      1. Rachel the Moderate*

        I’ve not heard of that podcast so thank you. That is exactly what I’ve been trying and failing to articulate.

    5. Competent Commenter*

      Just want to point out that depression isn’t just linked to stressors. You seem almost apologetic that you’re depressed despite having reduced stress. You might be depressed for biochemical rather than situational reasons. It’s not your fault.

      You might consider whether it might be seasonal depression (try a lightbox), and also consider medication.

      1. Rachel the Moderate*

        Yes, I definitely feel guilty even though I know it’s chemical. The apologetic thing is really a problem…I am trying to be up front about this, and practical. I will look into a lightbox! Medication already started so I am hopeful this well resolve quickly. But it would be good to have a way to explain this so that he doesn’t feel like this is a reflection on him. It’s hard to try to manage someone else’s feelings while wading out of your own disordered thinking.

        1. Parenthetically*

          Guilty feelings are a symptom of depression for a LOT of people (myself included)!

          I deal with anxiety more than depression now, but my husband struggles with depression, and even having walked my own similar road, it is HARD sometimes not to take his Black Dog moods personally. One thing I’d heartily recommend — ask him to educate himself about emotional labor (maybe send him that metafilter thread as a start?). It’s really unfair and counterproductive, as I’m 100% sure you know, for you to have to try to manage his emotions or worry about how he’s going to react to things in addition to trying to manage your own, and for him to be on board with coping with his own emotional stuff rather than offloading it to you as men are often socialized to do. I think it can be really helpful to just tell him that. “Hey, I find myself even in really bleak moments ALSO worrying about how you’re going to respond to my bleakness and how it will affect you. It would be helpful if I didn’t have to do that. Even if you don’t ‘get’ depression conceptually, can you please relieve me of that responsibility?”

          Best of luck to you!

    6. Dance-y Reagan*

      The two-part article on depression from Hyperbole and a Half is the best explanation I’ve ever seen. I’d share that with him.

    7. Washi*

      I’ve successfully explained to others what it’s like when I’m depressed…but not when I’m depressed. Being in the dark swirly brain fog makes it pretty much impossible to articulate what’s happening, why I’m suddenly crying, why buying a bus ticket is too difficult, why being startled by the toaster sent me into a tailspin.

      My husband saw a therapist himself for a couple months (we’re really lucky that his work offers a bunch of sessions for free) and that was really helpful because he had someone to talk/vent to who could also offer constructive strategies. But an easier option, if you’re able, would be to maybe google “how to support someone with depression” and send him one of the articles that resonates most with you. Plus the Hyperbole and a Half comic, which is pure gold!

      1. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

        I’ve had depression off and on for years, medicated. Turns out that I’m allergic to wheat and soy and side effects can be depression. It’s a pain in the butt to go wheat and soy free (and add in the egg whites allergy and SHEESH!), but the change in my health is amazing. I’ve had fatigue my entire life – which of course got me labeled as lazy as a kid – it’s gone. The brain fog is gone. The aches and pains are pretty much gone. I do more now in a day that I did in a month.

        1. ket*

          Yes, this can be really significant. I’m not celiac but also seem to react to wheat; if I decide to eat a bit of fabulous croissant or something I just time it so that I can be depressed & useless in 2 days because it really does make me sad and hopeless. (It’s gotta be an amazing croissant to make it worth it!)

          But it’s important to remember — I’m not sad because of the events around me per se, I’m sad because I’m reacting to chemicals my gut made upon ingesting this substance. And that’s really interesting.

    8. Rezia*

      Hi Rachel!
      I can really relate to your post because I’ve gone through much of the same in the past year. First, please realize that (1) depression can’t necessarily be pinned to specific stressors – so yes, you can be depressed for “no reason”, don’t feel guilty if you don’t know why. (2) Stress can linger a long time and in weird ways. I got through a very intense year of work stress + friend passing mostly fine, and only when that was all over did depression rear its head in earnest. I kept thinking, things are better now, why do I feel this way?

      My husband has never experienced anything like depression, but he loves me and I think what has helped us is a mix of the following.
      – I’ve taken time to try and explain to him my brain loops, e.g. how my brain can easily jump from Mundane Thing X to “I’m a terrible person”. I acknowledge that this is not rational, and that I’m working on breaking these misguided conclusions with my therapist, but in the meantime, I ask him to just realize my brain really believes this nonsense in the moment, and for him not to dismiss it out of hand – “well that’s obviously not true” – but rather if he can, to help me get to a better place. (Btw, I’ve had to explain my jerkbrain to him multiple times, it may take a while if it’s very un-relatable for your spouse, as it was for mine)
      – My husband is a “fixer” and he has gotten frustrated in the past because he loves me so much, hates seeing me this way and wants to just know the right thing to say or do. For my part, I try to help him help me, whether by telling him what he can say that will be helpful (not expecting him to read my mind), or by reassuring him that even though he can’t fix it, just having him in my life/sitting on the couch with me is something I really appreciate.
      – If I have a really bad moment and can’t articulate well then, I revisit it later on with him to help him understand what happened (and sometimes to apologize if I pushed him away then)
      – I think it helps him to know that I have a therapist, so there’s an external person helping with the situation. Sometimes, I share with him a bit of what came out of therapy, and I think that helps him both understand me better/feel involved in helping. As an example, I’ve come to realize that my mental health depends a ton on getting regular and good sleep. He now hustles me off to bed when it gets late, even if that means taking over certain chores. We’re both happier for it.
      – When I’m feeling good, I revel in it with him. Depression is awful, but the good times are sweeter in some ways, because we celebrate together as I improve. On days when I’m out of the fog, I go out of my way to take care of him, as well.

      All this to say, please don’t “just treat it and get better and hope he reacts to me normally” — depression is wily and excels at isolating you and making you feel alone. Don’t let it. If you can face it as a team, that’s definitely the better option. Lots of encouragement to you. Hope things get better soon!

      1. Rachel the Moderate*

        This made me teary. Thank you! If you don’t mind, I’d like to show him this response because this hits exactly what I’m trying to get across. (As do the other comments! This one just covers everything.) He is exactly that fixer and his frustration is just because this isn’t fixable, and he hates watching me so unhappy. Also, because of the nature of our newly blended family, I’ve taken on an additional workload that is emotional and hard and hectic, and I think part of him feels responsible for “adding on” to my load with this, even though I would handle it no problem if it were not for my brain sometimes.

        I appreciate all of the really thoughtful comments I have gotten here. I’ve been reading AAM for years but this is the first time I’ve posted, and I am so glad I did!

    9. Koala dreams*

      I also tried to find the reason when I first got diagnosed with depression. It’s quite natural, I think, to try to find a reason why this horrible illness is happening, but sadly the world doesn’t work like that, some people get ill and some doesn’t and it’s just unfair. If I could give some advice to your husband, it would be to find a therapist to talk with about his worries and anxiety. You really don’t have the brain space to work on your own depression and then take up your husband’s worries on top of that.
      I wish you get well soon! Good luck!

    1. Trouble*

      I never thought I would find anyone with more cat trees than me but in one picture Alison has proved me wrong. Mine are bigger-two of my cats are also huge-but in pure quantity Alison wins hands down :D.

      These are both very lovely cats. I’m broody for cat five by my husband says absolutely no way on earth. Kilo for kilo my two NFCs likely count as three cats though, so maybe he’s right. I’ll say that here but not to his face :’D.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I need to buy another cat tree soon. I have a few (I have 11 cats), but they wear out quickly. I have one cat who is very paranoid and seems to attract attacks from several other cats in the house, so I want to get a high tree that has some cubby holes for her to hide in.

  16. Anon for this*

    This is going to sound like a weird question, but can I get some ideas for self care?
    My therapist pointed out to me that I don’t ever have down time for myself and has assigned me to scheduling down time. I’m trying to think of what to do then that will be actually relaxing. I’d love some indoor ideas if possible (I get anxious in crowds and live in a big city). Also, I don’t really watch TV.
    Thank you in advance!

    1. Dr. Anonymous*

      Go to the library and look for something to read: biographies, hobbies, fiction, something you don’t know about. You won’t hurt the book’s feelings if you put it down because you don’t like it. Home manicure, hot bath while eating ice cream, drawing, buying a stack of silly magazines at a used bookstore, sitting in your own room cleaning out a drawer so you will feel happy the next time you open it, getting a massage or haircut, walking in a pretty park by yourself with or without a podcast.

      1. Lena Clare*

        Everything that everyone has said, I second.

        If you have a yard, sitting out in the sun (or even wrapping up in the rain) for a few minutes a day, feel the light in your face – that’ll improve your mood.

        Talk to someone on the phone, but only if they’ll understand you.

        A few drops of essential oil in a spritz bottle with water is nice to spray on your skin every now and then.
        I like lavender too relax, and also orange to revitalise me.

        Deep breathing is helpful to me, mindfulness meditations help with that. I particularly like Prof Mark Williams and Danny Penman guided sessions on YouTube. They always help me.

        I love the suggestion of sound…I can’t remember what it’s called or who said it without going back a page and losing what I’m writing! But I love listening to the sounds of rain on a car roof, or thunderstorm sounds just in my earphones when I’m relaxing doing nothing, or reading. It’s incredibly calming.

        And finally, I like to plan my meals and make sure I get at least one nourishing meal a day, today is lentil and potato soup with granary bread. They don’t have to be expensive, but just the act of planning and writing a list helps me feel more cared for.

        Good luck!

    2. Yorkshire Rose*

      Free guided meditations on YouTube. Click around until you find a narrator whose voice doesn’t annoy you. :-)

      Yoga with Adriene on YouTube (great for beginners).

      Libraries have displays that the librarians arrange according to interests (bestsellers, mystery, historical, etc.).

      Take a bath.

      Bake.

    3. DLC*

      For me, when I get time on my own, I like reading, baking, cooking or crafting, catching up on podcasts.
      I think also depends on what you personally find relaxing- my husband finds cleaning the basement relaxing and and satisfying. Mess creates anxiety for him, so making sure he has time for household management is a big part of his self care.

    4. anon24*

      Seconding everything that Yorkshire Rose wrote – I do all of those.

      Get a massage. Seriously. I hate being touched by strangers. Earlier this year I was dealing with such chronic pain that I scheduled one on a whim. I had such horrible anxiety about going but my massage therapist is seriously amazing and I now go to her once a month as a gift to myself for working a job that takes a physical and emotional toll on a person. Afterwards I feel so calm, relaxed, and less stressed out.

    5. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Exercise is good for my mood though I don’t always like it. If there was something active you liked, I would do that. Could be indoor swimming, walking in a park, stationary bike w a podcast.

    6. Amy*

      Do you happen to know if you respond to ASMR? If you don’t know what it is you can Google it, but it’s basically the phenomenon in which certain sounds can trigger deep relaxation and a pleasant tingling sensation on your scalp and down your neck. It’s hard to explain to someone who doesn’t feel it, like my husband! I’ve experienced it since I was a child in response to certain sounds or voices. Watching ASMR videos on YouTube before bed is my self-care. I have a small child, a long commute, and I’m in a stressful grad school program, so it really helps me relax.

      Try it out if you’re not sure – if you “get it” you’ll likely feel it right away, and if you don’t, it will just seem really silly and strange. No harm done. My favorite ASMR YouTubers are Gentle Whispering ASMR and WhispersRed ASMR. They do different a variety of video styles, some with speaking and some without. Some work better for me than others.

      1. fposte*

        I also like “double-dipping” my ASMR with something I’d like to know more about. Soothing cooking videos, for instance, where I might actually learn something; they don’t always give me the tingles but they still put me in a calmer, more relaxed frame of mind.

      2. Basia, also a Fed*

        Just reading your post caused that sensation along my scalp! I’ll have to check these out – thanks!

      3. Canadian Natasha*

        Okay that is weirdly addictive and relaxing. Apparently I’m in the AMSR club too: crinkly and tapping sounds are nice! (Although the whispering mostly skeeves me out.)

    7. Mehhhh*

      Crafts if you’re in to it. Crochet, knit, coloring, embroidery, cross stitch. I find legos to be way more fun now than when I was a kid. For me it helps to have something to do with my hands because it makes me put the phone down. Also, listening to things — new music, old faves, podcasts.

      1. Windchime*

        This is me. I was so excited for the weekend because I had a craft project in mind; this afternoon I worked on it and it was just so satisfying. I rarely watch TV unless I am knitting or sewing; there is something about being creative that just makes me feel better.

      2. Claire*

        I was just going to suggest crafts. A number of my friends knit, and they talk about how the texture of the yarn, and the act of creating, fills the emotional well. (And you can knit while you watch movies or TV.)

        1. Teach*

          This is so true for me – an engaging knitting project, cup of tea, and a book on audio that I’m really into are my trifecta of self-care. Add comfy clothes, a tidy-ish room, a warm blanket, and a snoozing cat and I am deeply content. It’s not really about the end product for me – colors and textures and finishing steps and getting into that flow state of mind are the enjoyable parts.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      Hydrate regularly. Set a goal to get in similar amounts of water every day.
      Get interested in eating salads, soups and other veggie dishes as part of your daily routine.
      Mediate or keep a gratitude journal.
      Learn a craft. The need to create is a basic human need. This could be needlework, stained glass, gardening, anything that is interesting to you.
      Read positive materials. This could be self-help materials or it could just be happy stories.
      Get interested in finding out what it will take for you to sleep well most nights.
      Teach yourself something. I like this one. Nothing says, “I think I am worth the effort” like trying to learn something new and developing ourselves.
      Self care can also be extended out to personal security, good locks on your doors, smoke detectors, protective programs for your computer, etc. Sick of your bank? Get a new one. Look around to make sure that your basics are in place and your basic needs are met.
      Self care can also mean planning for your future. If the best you can do is plan for next week, then do that, plan for next week. I know I have gone through points where I could only plan for tomorrow. That is fine, that is doing what we need to do to get ourselves through a rough patch.

      1. Anon for this*

        “Get interested in finding out what it will take for you to sleep well most nights.” –> this idea is kind of blowing my mind. I’ve always been a poor sleeper but just figured that was me and haven’t actively tried to improve things. Thank you.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          This crew here on AAM has a very long list of what they are doing to ensure good rest. You can ask them, they will tell you.

        2. Kuododi*

          Oh sweetie…. unfortunately when we were younger that really was the mindset about people who have sleep problems. Not much was known so a person was either a “good” sleeper or a “bad”. Now there are specialists in sleep disorders who are able to screen for and assist with a plethora of sleep problems. Looking back I’ve had TMJ and some form of sleep apnea even as a little kid. (No one knew what to do….it was just there waking up every body in the house.). I was finally in a situation with insurance where I could get the studies done after DH and I moved to where we are currently living. I would strongly encourage you to talk with your GP and your insurance about a referral for the studies. Depending on availability, if everything is approved and scheduled reasonably promptly you can look at a 6-8 week process to do the consultation, screening, follow up and getting established with any recommended equipment and/or supplies the Dr feels would be appropriate. Ive been very pleased with the quality of life improvements since beginning treatment using a CPaP device. It was one of those things where I had been so exhausted so long I almost didn’t recognize what having energy felt like!!! I’ve jabbered on for a bit, but bottom line is that a conversation with the GP is in order if sleep problems are an issue. There are oodles of non-medication interventions which are possible. Best wishes

    9. StellaBella*

      I have never owned a TV, so I relate to you in that sense! My self-care routine varies but I like to have an interesting book, in a hot bath – with maybe something that smells nice like lavender soap or scrubs. When I lived in a big city, I’d spend time in parks but I hear you on crowds, too. Now I walk in nature. If you can afford to, and would be interested, indulge in a spa for an hour-long massage with oils too that smell good to you. I’d also say that going out to a movie is good if it is a fun movie. Yoga, too maybe? Good luck!

    10. StellaBella*

      I have never owned a TV, so I relate to you in that sense! My self-care routine varies but I like to have an interesting book, in a hot bath – with maybe something that smells nice like lavender soap or scrubs. When I lived in a big city, I’d spend time in parks but I hear you on crowds, too. Now I walk in nature. If you can afford to, and would be interested, indulge in a spa for an hour-long massage with oils too that smell good to you. I’d also say that going out to a movie is good if it is a fun movie. Hydrate yourself. Eat something nice and healthy .Yoga, too maybe? Good luck!

    11. Koala dreams*

      In my experience, it takes a few tries before relaxing things actually become relaxing, so I suggest you try a couple of different things a few times each and then you can decide what to keep doing and what not.
      Some things to try:
      drawing/coloring
      listening to music
      reading
      watching the little birds from the balcony/the garden
      baking bread or a cake

    13. Pieismyreligion*

      Self care means doing things that help you stress less and accomplish what you want to. Sure pedicures are great, but could taking a class, learning a computer program, setting aside time to de-clutter, exploring the family tree, etc… also be beneficial for good mental health? Finally getting a Will in place to settle that stress?
      Honestly, my self care is carving out time to perform small house repairs/renos that allow me to feel more settled at home. And then get in some hot water. I really enjoy hot springs and soaking pools.

    14. DrTheLiz*

      Two mildly contradictory things: I try hard not to eat too much rubbish (chocolate, crisps etc) and I eat something I actually like for breakfast. At the moment, it’s waffles. Two pre-packaged waffles with frozen berries under the grill for a minute or so. If I’m looking forward to breakfast, it gets things off to a good start :)

      1. Anon for this*

        I kind of love this. I skimp on breakfast. It would be nice to actually sit down for it instead of rushing off to work.

  18. Lcsa99*

    Since we have lots of cat parents on this thread I was wondering what weird non-toys have other cats adopted as their favorite toys?

    Of our two cats, one is mostly a good little angel. He loves his catnip toys, but his one quirk is paintbrushes! I assume it’s because it smells like or reminds him of whatever animal the bristles are made of, but either way, I can’t keep my brushes out for any length of time. He’s even gotten good at tearing holes in ziplock bags to get at them.

    Our little devil kitty on the other hand, will play with anything that isn’t nailed down. His favorites are tape of any type (apparently a delicious treat), q-tips, which he has played with since he was a kitten, and his new favorite – nasal strips! I assume the strips give him the best of both worlds – adhesive and something stiff like q-tips. But he’s so obsessed with them we’ve had to start flushing them because he will happily go through both the bedroom and bathroom trash cans to find them. The first time I caught him playing with one he brought it on the bed and was throwing it in the air and pouncing on it. He didnt notice me take it away so he spent an hour after looking for it!

    So what do your little furry things love to play with?

    1. LenaClare*

      Mine are obsessed with pens, especially the ones with a push down nib. And they love scratching my emery boards – they like the texture I guess :)

      1. Red Reader*

        I used to know someone who had attached sandpaper to a board and taught her dog to file his own nails :)

    2. Red Reader*

      My husband’s cat steals the little cube-shaped USB power bricks. I THINK she only steals them if they’re not plugged in. I hope. :-P

      The real problem here is that she leaves them, invariably prongs-up, on the stairs. In the middle of the night. Thank god I haven’t stepped on one yet. :-P

    3. I Love Thrawn*

      Cats always like the non toys best. The boxes the toys come in – oh yessss. The very expensive item inside? Meh. One of mine is very partial to balled up paper that doesn’t quite make it into the wastebasket. Purrfect size and shape for whapping.

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        One of our cats is obsessed with boxes. The other day I needed to install a new printer, and… that box was just a bit too tall for the little guy. It took him,about four attempts to scale the side of the box and land inside. And then, once he made it in, I heard sheepish little meows. He couldn’t get out! But he did after a minute or two, and calmly looked like he’d planned the whole thing. I wish I had taken a video of it.

      2. A.N. O'Nyme*

        I once bought a cat tree that came in a box with a circle printed on it (in dotted lines). Inside the circle it said something like “cut this out to make your cat happy”.

        1. Annie Moose*

          I buy my cat’s food online from Chewy, and on the box they encourage you to take a picture of your cat in the box and tag them on Twitter!

    4. Max Kitty*

      One of our cats likes the black wires that come wrapped around electronics cords. You throw them and he runs after them, pounces, and brings them back to you. We have to be careful to hide them at the end of playtime (he doesn’t seem interested in eating them, just chasing, but we still worry!).

    5. Cruciatus*

      Unfortunately our 4 month old kitten has decided it loves my mom’s nose cannulas (for her oxygen machine) and will destroy them. He’s gotten 3 or 4 at this point. Don’t know what it is about them! Fortunately he does mostly play with this many, many, many toys.

      My older cat is the same regarding Q-tips! If I drop one in the bathroom, the older cat will go crazy and completely displace all of the bathroom rugs trying to play with it. And yes, to emery boards as well. The minute I get one out the cats are like “ooh, what’s that you’ve got there!?”

      We also have a basket on the stairs that we change for the seasons. The cats mostly ignore it except for fall’s decorations which has plastic gourds. They are constantly taking them out and playing with them elsewhere around the house. I don’t know why these gourds are so fun, but they must be.

      1. dawbs*

        I had that problem with a breast pump.
        Fail to latch the door and you’re trying to shoo away a cat while you’re firmly attached to an outlet. The noise and wiggle they gave didn’t help.

        Same cat bsteals and licks until disturbingly wet any make up brushes he finds

    6. Rebecca*

      One of my cats is partial to envelopes with those clear windows that are sort of crackly when you crumple them up? He will play with one of those endlessly until he’s completely shredded it. And he loves my elastic hair ties. He carries them around, chews on them, bats them (so far I don’t think he’s eaten any). I do try to keep them rounded up in a drawer in the bathroom, one that he can’t open, that is, because if he can get it open, I’ll come home from work to hair elastics everywhere.

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        We have to keep those window envelopes away from one of our cats. He’s so dumb that he will try to eat the plastic. He does the same thing with curling ribbon, so we can’t leave any gift-wrapping supplies lying around.

        1. Rebecca*

          That made me laugh. My cats aren’t the brightest bulbs in the pack, either, and it’s adorable to see them do things that are just plain weird and then look at me, as if to say, I meant that.

    7. A.N. O'Nyme*

      One of ours will very helpfully sit in front of my computer screen and bat at everything that moves in order to help me win my video game XD.
      He even sits still to watch the cutscenes.

      1. mreasy*

        I was working at home recently and my none-too-bright fella kept going face-first at the mouse arrow.

    8. MsChanandlerBong*

      One of my cats is constantly stealing my hair ties and blush brushes out of the bathroom. He also likes the sponges I use to apply/blend my foundation. I’ll go to put my hair in a ponytail and have to hunt under the couch to find a hair tie I can use.

    10. ElspethGC*

      – Hairties/bobbles – when she was a kitten, she’d just trot around the house with one dangling from her mouth.
      – The cardboard strips you tear off Amazon envelopes to open them – we still have one lying around from a delivery that was months ago, and she still loves it.
      – The computer – when she was tiny, she sat meerkat-style in front of the screen to play with the mouse as it moves.

    11. annakarina1*

      Mine plays with a costume wig that my roommate had. He loves kneading it and humping it, and always goes to it whenever I put out my mat to work out, like he’s got his own workout going on. He also like pens, balled up paper, his collar (he doesn’t like to wear it, just to bat it around), as well as his usual cat toys like toy mice.

    13. Melody Pond*

      Our younger cat goes nutso for hair ties and thick rubber bands. Like she will somehow manage to treat them like they are active prey, moving around, both trying to run away from her and also trying to chase her. It’s hilarious.

      1. tangerineRose*

        It’s a good idea to be careful with hair ties and rubber bands. Sometimes cats eat them, and dealing with that can require surgery.

        1. Sack of Benevolent Trash Marsupials*

          Yes! I am late but was coming here to say this. At my clinic we had to do an exploratory surgery on an anorexic kitty and found a huge mass of hair ties in her stomach. She did fine post-op but was an expensive lesson for the owner to keep the hair ties securely out of reach.

    14. Operational Chaos*

      Lighters, of all things. I keep a couple around the house for candles and such and without fail, if I don’t put it back in a draw, it won’t be long before it’s being batted around every room and I’ll have to hunt it down the next time I want to light a candle or burn some incense. It’s the only thing she does that with that isn’t an actual cat toy.

    15. Old Biddy*

      Both my Maine Coon mixes have been obsessed with those plastic rings from milk jugs.
      My current one became obsessed with one of those foam filled door draft shield. she would drag it around the house and periodically pull out the foam and shred it. When there was no more foam she still would drag the casing around the house. She also dragged my husband’s tent flap from the deck out into the woods. We though the wind had gotten it but there it was wedged under a shrub in such a way that something had to have pulled it under there.

      1. nonegiven*

        We took out an old gas heater and found about 90 of the milk jug rings so we stopped giving them to the cats.

    16. Tris Prior*

      Haha, literally everything in my house is a kitty toy to my brother and sister 5-month-old pair. Some favorites:

      Paper grocery bags – I snip the handles so they can’t strangle themselves. They love to destroy them.
      Any sort of crumpled up paper, really. The little girl will methodically destroy it – she rips off a piece with her teeth, spits it out, rips off another piece, spits, repeat until it’s dead and there are shreds of paper all over the room.
      Hoodie strings, or the drawstrings on pajama pants, are the Best Things Ever.
      The little strips for the adhesive on bubble mailers.
      Both of them greatly enjoyed the “I Voted, Did You?” wristbands that we get instead of stickers here in Chicago. (They did away with the stickers here years ago because apparently we are all a bunch of degenerates who cannot stop ourselves from sticking the stickers on polling place walls, and the polling places got tired of having to clean them off.)

      Who needs expensive kitty toys when all of these things result in hours of joy (and keep them occupied while I’m trying to get things done that do not require their “help”? )

    17. Square Root Of Minus One*

      Hahahahahahahahahahaha.
      Let’s see.
      Currently, a string ball. Cooking string I neglected to put back in the drawer, I have about a 10-foot long casualty.
      Earlier this week, a shoelace with a mascara plastic wrapper at the end. (Shoelaces are generally quite popular, especially on a shoe on somebody’s foot)
      Before that, a pair of ribbons I destined to reusable cloth bags.
      Regurlarly, I revive CD/DVD plastic wrapper rolled into a ball and held with tape. She also likes my hair bands.
      I have only one and not a kitten. I don’t buy cat toys, I don’t see the point :D
      (Other funny quirk: she only drinks water from a glass. The water in a bowl next to the food is either disdained or poured on the floor. I’d rather have her hydrated, so, well, she’s got a glass.)

    18. Trouble*

      Mine steals tweezers and carries them around if he can find them. He steals the other half’s stuffy nose sniffy thing and carries it around, hiding it when he’s tired. They all love boxes. Sometimes they’ll play with reusable bags as well.

      Horlicks, the stealer above, also chews on stuff he shouldn’t. Cardboard. Books. His cat tree. Packaging. Almost anything. But he sleeps on my bed, sometimes on me and begs for my dinner like no cat I’ve ever known, and he’s my favourite even though I know I shouldn’t admit to having one and I love him so much I let him get away with murder.

    19. Zona the Great*

      My used ear buds! She taught us to play fetch with her using them. She prefers them fresh out of my ear and has been known to wake me by trying to get them out of my head herself. Gross, hilarious, and odd.

    20. Arya Parya*

      Not really a toy, but my cat likes to lick clothing and sheets. Especially ones that have been in a whites only wash. So if you wear a white shirt of leave it somewhere he can get to, he will lick it.
      He has a ritual where he licks the sheets on the bed. He goes all around the bed, licking and purring. But he will only do that when my SO or I are with him. So one of us has to go to the bedroom and sit on the bed, and then he can do his thing.

      1. Anon, a moose!*

        Do you bleach the wash? Mine is a fiend for bleach, any time we use the hard cleaner in the bathroom we have to lock him out until it dissipates, the little junkie.

        1. Arya Parya*

          I checked, but no bleach. I think he likes the detergent and the fabric. He also likes to lick plastic bags, so we have to keep those under lock and key.

    22. nonegiven*

      A long time ago, we had a cat that stole a home made gold and white potholder off the counter. I found it on the floor one day and threw it in with a load of laundry and put it back on the counter. Found it on the floor again, not in the kitchen, thought why would a cat do this? After it happened several times, I gave up and let her keep it. She would carry it around and sing.

      I have a cat now that likes the longer twist ties that DH’s uniform shirt hangers come tied together with. I have another one that carries toys and sings but she does it with actual cat toys, the stuffed ones.

      1. Windchime*

        Ha, this is so cute! I used to come home and find skeins of yarn in the hallway. I couldn’t figure it out; I knew it must be one of the cats but I could never catch them. Then one day my calico came walking down the hall, carrying a skein of yarn as if it was a kitten. Mystery solved! She was getting into my yarn basket in the closet and taking “kittens” out of it.

    23. Ktelzbeth*

      Mine likes anything with a hollow ring shape. Designated kitty toys, milk jug rings, hair ties, elastic Alice bands, those rubber slogan bracelets, shower curtain rings, you name it. Also crinkly plastic. There are only a few of those things (designated kitty toys and shower curtain rings) that she can have unsupervised, because she also likes to eat things.

    24. Windchime*

      Emery boards, tissue paper, and pens. He loves them all separately, but if I combine them all into a hiding game, he loses his mind with happiness. I show him the items and then fold them up in the paper, and he has a ball trying to find the items in the tissue paper.

      He also loves string and yarn, but I never encourage him to play with yarn because I don’t want him getting into my knitting.

    25. Slartibartfast*

      I had a cat that reacted to strawberries like they were catnip. Head in the grocery bag before I could even set it down. Tin foil balls and the plastic ring off of milk jugs are some things all my cats have played with.

    26. Seal*

      One of mine just found a rubber wrist band and has been chasing it and carrying it around for a good half hour or so. He’s the reason I had to get a metal band for my Fitbit; he’d grab it when I was in the shower and run off with, leaving tooth marks all over the original rubber band. Interestingly, the Fitbit didn’t count steps when he was carrying it all over the house.

    27. Elvis Needs Boats*

      My new kitten discovered a ball of fluff–a pom-pom for crafts, that was missed when we cleaned up after my 2.5 year old niece emptied an entire gallon-size ziploc bag of them (“I put them in the air!”)–that has become his absolute favorite toy in the last couple of days. It’s about the same size as small soft ball toys I’d had for my cats in the past, so it’s perfect for him. He throws, pounces, chases, and carries it around in his mouth. SO CUTE.

      1. Buffay the Vampire Layer*

        No, they end up at sewage treatment plants where they’re fished out along with wipes and other things that don’t dissolve and are put in a landfill. If you’re somewhere with indoor plumbing odds are the raw sewage is not being dumped, untreated, into a body of water.

  19. Overeducated*

    I’m probably going to have to move in the next year, so I’ve been spending a lot of time looking at listings, mapping potential commutes, etc., but I can’t easily find good info on the mechanics of buying. (Currently a month to month renter.) I’m Googling terms that are getting me tips like “make a budget” and “get preapproved,” I’m definitely beyond that and into the shopping phase but not sure where to find more detailed next steps. So help me, AAM!

    Here are my particular constraints: I live in a very HCOL area and have a very average household income, my spouse and I now have jobs in different cities, and we have a kid. There are very, very few places we can afford to move in between without adding to my commute, which is already 40 min to 1.5 hours depending on a few factors. There are very, very few listings in our price range in areas where my commute would stay about the same and we wouldn’t have to get a second car and drive everywhere, so we’re willing to trade off a lot in terms of space for location. (Please trust me that we’re doing our best on the job front, it has taken us a long time to get here, we’re not going to double our pay or find two jobs in some amazing cheap small city any time soon, we’re ready to settle down.)

    So what I don’t know is, is it worth trying to find a real estate agent if you’re not going to be going on a bunch of different showings because there are so few listings that fit your needs, you just need to be ready to jump? I can imagine “hey I’m looking for one of the super cheap places that comes up every 2 months, please don’t bother showing me non-transit-accessible stuff the next town over” does not make for a desirable client. But if not, how do you learn about what goes into making an offer and how to not get screwed?

    Also, the hardest piece of the puzzle will be finding a new day care with an opening at the right time. So how long does the whole process, from offer to possession, tend to take?

    And

    1. Lcsa99*

      I would absolutely get an agent to help you. They have access to listings you won’t find by yourself (or can get to them faster than you) but you might have to try out a few to find one you like. Talk to them first to see if they really seem to get what you need or if they want to show you everything. When we were looking we talked with two – one is now known as the shark, while the agent we went with was sharp as a tack and a sweetheart. Don’t let the sharks you”ll come across scare you! Because they have to share the commission, some listing agents won’t want to play with you if you have your own agent, but it’s really in your best interest to have someone in your corner who knows what they are doing.

        1. Lcsa99*

          We only talked to two because we liked the second one so much but we would have talked to more if necessary. One we found online reviews, the other was a personal recommendation from a friend. I also read a lot of the threads on the chats on Street Easy and there were agents there in our area who gave me a good idea of their personality (but that only helps if you’re in the New York area). Definitely talk to people you know who have gone through the process cause they can give you an idea of their agent’s style.

    2. Overeducated*

      Also want to specify that due to the cost of living here, the affordability issue for us is not the down payment, it’s the monthly mortgage, taxes, etc. and possibly HOA fees (a lot of the lower end options are condos or townhomes with HOAs). A place with an affordable monthly payment is a place where we can afford a standard down payment. So I’m not sure if the first time home buyer programs where you can do 3-5% down are a good fit.

    3. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      Business librarian here: I was a first-time home buyer last year and I found the books by Ilyce Glink–particularly 100 Questions Every First-Time Home Buyer Should Ask–to be extremely helpful.

      I agree with Lcsa99 above. Definitely get an agent/broker. You probably can search properties on your own, but the further you get in the buying process, the more helpful they are, especially if you’ve never done it before! We absolutely can’t imagine going through this process without an agent.

      As for how long it takes? For us, from offer to moving in took six months, because we had an extremely recalcitrant seller. We were assured it’s normally much faster, but it can take that long. It also took us four months to find the right property, so we were very picky, too.

    4. Boo Hoo*

      Yes for sure you need an agent. Also you won’t be seeing most of these properties without them. They also can help you find listings before they hit which sounds like is exactly what you need in this situation.

    5. Asenath*

      On my first house purchase I didn’t do any of the things I’m going to suggest here – and it was the best financial decision I ever made, since I lived there for quite a while, very cheaply, and eventually sold it for enough to make a major down payment on a condo apartment all on one level with fewer maintenance issues which I hope to live in until they carry me out feet-first. I rented and then bought number 1 from my landlady, a woman I knew and respected. We agreed on a price, I had enough from a severance payment to make a down payment, and negotiated a mortgage with my bank. I was heading into a pretty low-income period of my life, but it was cheap to buy and as time went on, the difference between what I was paying on my mortgage and the higher rent for an equivalent (or possibly better) place grew.

      Second time –
      1. work out a good budget, taking into account everything, like all the taxes and fees that come both with a property purchase and subsequent ownership.

      2. get a good agent. I don’t know how to pick a good one – I lucked out a bit, I think. I found mine very helpful, with her only fault a tendency to suggest places outside the area of the city I had chosen. You do need to be very specific with your instructions to an agent to avoid getting useless suggestions – and public transportation was very high on my list. And she helped me sell the old place (which wasn’t terribly desirable, and I needed to sell it in winter, which isn’t good, fairly quickly.

      3. The length of time between the offer and possession can vary a lot depending on the seller, and how “motivated” they are (if they’re moving, if they’re having trouble financing their new place, etc etc). I started, oh, late summer, perhaps, thinking that because my requirement list was so specific I’d have a really hard time finding anything suitable, so maybe it would be the following spring or summer before I found anything. I didn’t want anything too expensive, it had to allow pets, it had to be in a particular part of town close to all kinds of things, including my work, and with good public transportation (which meant it was a bit of a more pricey area), and so on. When I found a place that fit most of my criteria, it was the last apartment a businessman who had been developing several had, and he wanted to get it off his hands – so things moved very fast, and I was in by Christmas. In general, it is NOT a good idea to have your closing just before the Christmas holidays if you live in an area noted for nasty winter weather, but it worked out OK in the end. I still haven’t quite forgiven the lawyer’s office involved for leaving it til the last minute to exchange the documents, and then call me to say that their courier couldn’t get across the city due to the weather, but my invaluable agent found someone to do the job.

    6. Reba*

      Yes, if you will need to move fast when a property comes up, you DEFINITELY need an agent already! The agent is just there to show you properties but will eventually shepherd you through the process. Agents get news and tips among themselves that you won’t see on online listings alone — in my experience, not necessarily like Ooh Secret Listings but hearing about when something’s likely to go on the market, and knowing about the reputations of certain buildings or what have you.

      Interview some, and find someone who gets what you’re after. Sure, some agents won’t make an effort for someone in your situation, but others are happy to work with someone for years to find the right place. I think knowing what you need actually DOES make you a nice client, so don’t feel bad about that!

      Ask your potential agents too about what market picture they are seeing for your kinds of properties. This is info gathering for you, even beyond the agent selecting. Are sellers getting offers over asking? Or are sellers offering sweeteners to buyers? How long are things staying on the market? In my area it seems to be cooling a bit and I hope that’s true for you, too.

      The agent will also be able to put you in touch with the other professionals you will need — lender, inspector, lawyers if you need that.

      In addition to the Glink book mentioned above, I found a NOLA book on homebuying to be really helpful.

      From offer to move in it can take as little as six weeks (in MA I was told that was fast) and as long as… rather a lot longer.

      I assume you’ve done the “rent vs. buy” calculator things — noting that many of those online calculators were made in the days of the mortgage tax break that is no more? And school districts are probably a consideration? There’s a lot to balance here, good luck!

    7. Yorkshire Rose*

      The house we live in now, we would not have found without an agent, as it wasn’t even on the MLS yet. Yes there are some bad agents but that’s the same in any industry. We sold our condo in 2 days and found our house shortly thereafter. Couldn’t have navigated the whole process without an agent. Don’t be afraid of listing out your requirements and if your agent doesn’t listen, find a new one!

      Our process took 2 months. We do not have kids however.

    8. Jane of All Trades*

      Never bought a house myself, but in my city (very high COL) there are organizations that offer first time home buyer info sessions. My friends who have / are in the process of purchasing have found them to be quite helpful. Maybe look into those?

    9. Smarty Boots*

      For sure use an agent. Ours was excellent. At the time we bought our house, it was really a sellers market and properties moved fast. For our house: the day it opened we were the third prospective buyers to walk through, at 10 am. We made an offer that day at 4 pm, and it was accepted at 7 pm. No kidding!
      Here’s what the agent did for us: talked with us about what we wanted and didn’t want, helped us figure out how much we wanted to spend, recommended several places for the mortgage (we got pre approved), showed us houses, listened while we talked about the houses we were viewing, showed us more houses, then, because she was so good at understanding what we wanted, at my request gave me lists of places that fit and I went around and previewed them. For the house we bought, she called us before it was officially listed to let us know about it. — said it was perfect for us and she was right! Then she helped us line up the inspector, lawyer, title search, hlped us find a structural engineer to inspect a possible problem, found a good home warranty company, helped set up the closing, and gave us a beautiful housewarming gift.

    10. Lynn Whitehat*

      My husband is a realtor. (Up yours, NAR. If “doctor”, “lawyer”, and “engineer” aren’t capitalized, “realtor” shouldn’t be either.) The difficult and time-consuming part about working with buyers is needing to accompany them to homes they may be interested. Typically at rush hour, since that’s when people have time to look, and often not in areas of town that are at all convenient for the realtor, because why would they be particularly?

      Being a client isn’t time-consuming at all for your realtor, in and of itself. They sign up for notifications on the Multiple Listing Service of homes that fit your criteria, as much as your criteria can be searched on. (“Feels cozy like my grandma’s house used to” is not searchable. But things like zip code, square footage, presence or absence of a swimming pool, absolutely can be.) You can be copied on these notifications. Since you’re looking for something unusual in your area, there won’t be hits every day or even every week. So when you get a hit, and it looks like something you would actually consider, then the realtor shows you the place.

      Being specific about what you want, and being serious of purpose, makes you a highly desirable client. You’d be shocked how many people just want to play “Let’s Pretend”, or cannot at all articulate what it is they are looking for. DH currently has some who can’t decide if they want 100 acres way out in the country, or a high-rise downtown, or something in between. And they’re family friends, so he is reluctant to cut them loose.

    12. Doc in a Box*

      I bought without an agent last year, for a long-distance move. It was stressful, but I’m here to tell you it’s do-able. I knew exactly what I wanted (smaller, Craftsman cottage or townhouse, in a walkable neighborhood, near a park/greenspace, within a 10 min drive or 20 min bike ride of my new work place) and what I was willing to compromise on (garage, master suite, schools as I’m child-free by choice) and spent a long time looking through listings on Zillow and Redfin. I did meet with a couple agents but was disappointed in what they were showing me — industrial loft conversions or McMansions bordering on a golfcourse (well I guess that was greenspace? but the house was tacky as hell), so I ended up going it alone.

      I was lucky in that I had a family member who was peripherally involved in real estate so could help guide me through the process and what to expect — in my opinion that’s the real value of an agent. There were also several listing agents who refused to work with me because I did not have an agent. (I found this bizarre, but shrugged and moved on.) This is a hot real estate market — I lost my first offer to someone who bid 50k above asking — but I found an adorable new construction infill house that checked off all my boxes. I’m 5 min drive from work, and within a mile (i.e. easy walking distance) or several restaurants, brewpubs, coffee shops, independent booksellers. A 10 min bike ride brings me to the core of downtown, where there are higher-end restaurants, bakeries, and a restored 1930s movie palace that shows retro classics as well as arthouse releases. If I’d stuck with the realtors, I don’t think I ever would have found my house, which I truly hope is a forever home.

      Good luck to you as you start the process, Overeducated!

    13. Ktelzbeth*

      A good agent stuck with me through a long and particular search. If I remember right, I started in September and found the place in May. I was housed in a month to month rental and ready to buy, but only if and only if certain criteria were met that were hard to combine. I felt like giving up and settling more than once. My agent was worth having. She knew what I wanted, but mostly hung in the background and waited for me to find listings and suggest showings. There was no pressure to look at things or random charging around town once she got to understand what I wanted. At times, I felt like she was too passive on the finding me listings front, but my point right now is that I had an agent who I think would have done what you wanted as well, so they are out there.

    1. Anona*

      I love Bigelow’s lemon ginger tea. I actually drink it all year round, and can typically only find it at food lion around here, but it’s smooth with just the tiniest bit of ginger spice. Perfection!

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      From Tea Pigs:
      • Chai–I like chai tea, and this one is a nicely balanced blend of black tea and spice
      • Lemon-ginger: An herbal tea, one of those things that feels healthy to drink, or just inhale the steam, and tastes good. Ginger gives it a kick.
      • Licorice-peppermint: I don’t like licorice in tea, but my husband and daughter love this one because it’s unusual and invigorating

      From Republic of Tea:
      • Cardamom/cinnamon: I love cardamom, and this is a pleasant warm wintry herbal tea
      • Comfort and Joy, a black tea with spices only available at the holiday. (Looking at the website they list licorice, which might be new and so reformulated? Or maybe I didn’t notice it in the past.)

      Where I live (wealthier suburb in New England), these are available at grocery stores and the specialty food shop; I’m sure you can also order them online.

    3. Llellayena*

      Stash chocolate hazelnut (decaf)
      Numi toasted rice
      Republic of tea vanilla almond
      Stash peach black (a taste of summer to me)
      Zhena’s Gypsy tea coconut chai

      If you can’t tell, I drink a lot of tea!

      1. Canadian Natasha*

        Ooh, I can’t get the Stash Peach Black tea around here anymore but I used to love that one!

    4. Kathenus*

      Tazo Sweet Cinnamon Spice tea – misnamed because the anise flavor is much stronger than the cinnamon, which is fine with me as I love anise. Also almost any lemon teas and chai spice (especially vanilla chai). I prefer stronger teas so tend to get black teas versus the green or other milder ones.

    5. Not a cat*

      Mariage Freres Imperial Wedding and Paris Breakfast
      Barry’s Tea Gold (my fav)
      Seven Smith Teamaker #47 Bungalow
      Ralph’s Brand Earl Gray

    7. Bluebell*

      Celestial Seasonings usually does a few special winter teas including a gingerbread spice one I love. I also like Yogi Tea honey lavender before bed.

    8. MostCake*

      Grew up drinking Lipton’s with a bit of sugar. When I started buying my own groceries, teas were still a bit limited (Lipton’s, Twinings, and Constant Comment were about the extent of it), but chose Earl Grey and Darjeeling on a whim. I didn’t like the Earl Grey at all but loved the Darjeeling with a bit of sugar and sometimes some milk. I don’t drink much tea anymore but a cup of Darjeeling brings me such great memories and a feeling of security.

    9. Weyrwoman*

      I’m very partial to Harney & Sons Hot Cinnamon Spice. It’s got both ground cinnamon types in it, plus something that tastes like cinnamon candy. And there’s hints of clove and orange too. It’s fab.

      1. stellaaaaa*

        Yes! I have about 6 bags of this in a cabinet right now. I am totally addicted to this tea – it needs no sugar, and is the perfect way to wake up on a chilly winter morning. Buy the sachets version.

        For non caffeinated tea, I particularly like the Trader Joe’s harvest tea, which is also a sweet-tasting tea, that’s kind of fruity/apple harvesty. I’m actually sad they don’t sell this year round, and I can’t stock up on it because I think it goes kind of funny after a few months.

    10. Tris Prior*

      I like Trader Joe’s Candy Cane Green Tea, which they usually have around the holidays.
      I don’t remember the brand, but there’s one called Sunny Orange Ginger that just tastes so bright and happy – great for a cold gray day. That one I found at just a normal grocery store.

    11. Earthwalker*

      Chais are all really different, so if you try one and don’t like it, try another. My favorite is Stash Double Spice, heavy on cloves. Good Earth’s original is very cinnamony and good too. And I second the Stash peach tea.

    12. NB*

      Fancy: Harney & Sons Rose-Scented Tea, loose (I’ve run out and I’m sad)
      Ordinary: Bigelow Vanilla Caramel or Vanilla Chai

      Both have caffeine.

    13. Canadian Natasha*

      I’ll stick to the more easily available brands and not specialty teas:

      Caffeinated:
      David’s Tea brand Buddha’s Blend white tea (has jasmine and white hibiscus blossoms)
      David’s Tea brand Ginger Pear white tea
      Gyokuro green tea (tastes like freshly cut grass smells if you like that.)
      India brand Masala chai
      Tetley brand Honey Lemon Ginseng green tea
      Tetley brand Earl Grey black tea

      Non-caffeinated:
      Celestial Seasonings brand Bengal Spice (basically an herbal version of chai)
      Celestial Seasonings brand Cranberry Apple Zinger
      Celestial Seasonings brand Black Cherry Berry
      David’s Tea brand Mother’s Little Helper (herbal blend including mint and lemongrass)
      Stash brand Licorice Spice tea
      Tetley brand Cleanse (Lemon Balm and Honey with Elderflower)

    14. Handy Nickname*

      I really want to be a tea drinker too, which mostly means I make cups of tea and don’t drink them, but I really like the Stash Chamomile Nights tea. It’s chamomile with spearmint & lotus (?). I don’t care for plain chamomile chamomile tea and most other blends have citrus, which I’m not a big fan of but the mint offsets the chamomile just enough in this one and I love it. Only downside is that I can only find it online in boxes of 100 bags, but maybe you have a tea drinking friend(s) who would want to split it?

      1. Handy Nickname*

        Ooh and seconding Good Earth sweet & spicy (also caffeine free). Lots of flavor and still tastes halfway decent at room temperature.

    15. HannahS*

      I like strong black teas. In Canada, my favourite daily (i.e. cheap!) tea is orange pekoe from President’s Choice. More expensive ones are Tazo and Yorkshire Gold. Great thing to wake up to, especially with milk and sugar.

      If you manage to find it online, Yamamoto Yama is hands down the best green tea I’ve ever had. Leaps and bounds above others; it’s what’s served in a lot of fancier Japanese restaurants.

      Any loose-leaf Cream Earl Grey is good; I usually would go for David’s Tea. I was very disappointed to hear that the “special something” is really just a bit of vanilla, but it tastes so luxurious!

    17. Chaordic One*

      I recommend Twinings Irish Breakfast Tea (caffeinated). And yes, it’s great for breakfast. As I get older coffee doesn’t seem to agree with me so much.

      Also Tazo Wild Sweet Orange (decaffeinated). Great in the afternoon and in evenings.

  21. Navigating Family Matters*

    Probably overthinking this but I still wanted to ask. My mom and I are very close. She raised me as a single-mom, so we were set from the start to have a close relationship, but we also have most of the same likes and hobbies, so it’s easy for us to hang out. Basically, we spend a lot of time together, even with me moved out several years ago.

    My mom’s sister, my aunt, has told my mom that she is envious of our relationship. Aunt has a daughter seven years younger than me, still in college and living at home. They were very close up until my cousin’s high school years. College saw my cousin going to a school far away, mostly following her boyfriend there (which we the family aren’t thrilled about but that’s a different post). Even the times when she should be back home from school, she skips, like this summer when she opted to stay at school for a summer internship. My aunt feels very cut off from my cousin, and told my mom that our relationship makes her even sadder because she wants what we have. (She’s also struggling with depression, a younger son with behavioral problems, and a marriage on the rocks, so this is likely the least of her worries, but it is bothering her enough that she mentioned it to my mom)

    With the holidays where we’ll be spending Thanksgiving and Christmas together, is there anything I should do to be less ‘in your face’ with my aunt while she is struggling? Maybe not talk about the plans my mom and I have for the upcoming year or something like that? This is my favorite aunt, my favorite person in my extended family actually, so I obviously don’t want to hurt her if I can avoid it, but I also think it’s unavoidable since even if I’m less buddy-buddy with my mom in front of her, she’ll see our stuff together through the year on social media. So probably nothing I can do but try to make her smile and laugh through the holiday season but I thought I’d ask for some perspective. Thanks!

    1. LenaClare*

      Oh my gosh, no, just be yourself and that’s your aunty’s stuff to deal with. Just give her lots of love too. But don’t change the relationship with your mum because of her.

      1. Quandong*

        I agree with LenaClare. It’s really not your responsibility to manage your aunt’s feelings!

        Honestly, I don’t know what your mother was hoping to achieve when she told you about your aunt’s feelings. This is very much not a problem for you to solve. You don’t need to take on extra emotional labour for your aunt.

        Ideally your aunt would get some support (such as counselling) to help with her situation. Many, many people feel grief over relationships that aren’t what they would wish for. It’s very unfortunate she took the approach of dumping her Feelings on to your mother who then passed them over to you too.

    2. PetticoatsandPincushions*

      Instead of minimizing your relationship with your mom, can you up the ante on your relationship with your aunt? Not in a fake way, but maybe trying to spend some quality time with just her during the holiday season, or even finding some way to express sincere gratitude for her presence in your life? Pretending you and your mom aren’t close will feel like an act, and you can’t fix your aunt’s relationship with your cousin, but you can strengthen the relationship you have with her. It might be extra meaningful to her right now to be reminded that she does has strong, healthy, loving family relationships in her life.

      2. Kathenus*

        Thirding this, focusing on spending time with aunt would be a great strategy versus trying to minimize or hide your closeness with mom.

      3. Navigating Family Matters*

        I feel a bit dumb for not getting to this conclusion on my own but I think you’re right! I need to do more stuff with my ain’t. It’s a bit of a struggle because we live several hours apart and she is tied to her family without much free time (for taking care of her son) but I do need to show her how important she is to me. Thank you for this revelation, this makes perfect sense! :)

        1. PetticoatsandPincushions*

          As a (probably fellow?) Fixer, I think it’s sometimes really easy to get bogged down in all the interactions and processes you observe in your daily life that you want to fix and can’t, rather than trying to see how you can improve those things using your own toolkit. Not exactly ‘be the change you wish to see in the world,’ more like ‘If I can’t solve that exact issue, what am I personally able to do that improves the circumstances surrounding the issue.’ I’ve found that a helpful perspective in a lot of areas of my life!!

        2. PetticoatsandPincushions*

          Also, Skype and texting and all that are nice easy ways to connect over distance. My husband and I were long distance for a few years, and even just sending him funny pictures I found on the internet a few times a day made us feel like we were sharing a lot together although we were physically several thousand miles and a few hours apart. And the back and forth of texting meant we didn’t have to be available at the same time in order to share a connection with each other.

    3. Glomarization, Esq.*

      Grief over the change in relationship when a child grows up and moves on/out is for real. Glomarization, Jr., decided to go to university on the other side of the damn continent and hoo, boy, was I more than a little whiny about empty-nesting for a while. Add it to the other stuff going on in your aunt’s life and it sounds like a really difficult time for her, certainly more than I had to deal with. It’s her difficult time, though, so remember that you’re not having your own relationship with your own mom “at” her.

      Your compassion for your aunt is very sweet. I like the suggestion from PetticoatsandPincushions to try to hang with her more if you can.

    4. WellRed*

      I like the advice to up the ante with your aunt. Your cousin’s behavior is so normal, and set against the chaos in her mother’s life ( depression, rocky marriage, son with issues) it’s healthy. Your aunt would see that if she could.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I really like how you framed this, WR. A good thought for the OP, too, your aunt would see it if she could.

        Some people who really impressed me the most in life were the ones whose actions said, “I dunno how to help with your concerns but I am not afraid to stand beside you while you sort it out.” More than a few times in life I have done this or had it done to me, “Yes. Terrible Thing is going on. But I am not frightened of it and I will talk with you and go through life with you anyway. And it’s okay that neither one of us sees any answers right now.”

        Encourage your mom, too, that it’s okay not to have the answers for your aunt’s concerns. There’s a person under that pile of worry and that person is all you need to focus on.

    5. Kathenus*

      Not sure the best way to do this, but if your aunt (and maybe you) can not think of college breaks as times when cousin ‘should be back home’. A summer internship is a good thing, and could be very important for future careers. Thinking of breaks spent doing things other than coming home as wrong are going to stress out aunt more and potentially add a divide in the relationship if cousin is made to feel she’s doing something wrong. Maybe aunt and cousin could pick one or two breaks a year and plan a short but special trip or experience. Something they both want to do at a time that works for cousin’s college/work/internship plans, that they can both look forward to. Always easier to try to find a concrete plan or solution – such as a joint adventure – versus trying to alter or change a more amorphous thing like ‘closer relationship’. Kind of you to care so much about your aunt.

      1. Navigating Family Matters*

        I was actually in favor of the internship, it’s something I didn’t do in college and I regret not having that experience before getting into my career. And my aunt does understand it’s a good thing, I think she was more looking forward to seeing her daughter over the summer and was really disappointed when the plans changed.

    6. Operational Chaos*

      It sounds like your cousin escaped a pretty chaotic home life and is doing really well with college and internships. Those are things that will build her future, coming home to a family that seems to be judging her motivations and lack of comparative engagement really don’t.

      I did something similar. My brother had severe behavioral and physical health problems growing up and my mother was entirely devoted to his support. It’s something I’m practical minded about, but a side effect was that I was left to fend for myself and my mother and I aren’t close. I moved out the day after my high school graduation and it was a great thing for me.

      My mom sometimes laments how far I’ve moved or how “unsentimental” I am about coming home, but that’s because she’s thinking of things from the perspective of how close she is to my brother due to effectively being his nurse our whole childhood.

      It all eventually came to a head several years back and I had to let her know if she kept pushing and attempting to guilt me into some sort of caricature of the relationship she’s imagining, I’m fine being more distant. Even more so when she complains to family members and they elect themselves to be torchbearers and attempt to guilt me into falling into line as well. It just forces me further away and makes me remember why I bounced in the first place.

      Blood is thicker than water is a misquote. It’s the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. No one owes anyone a relationship and your aunt should be celebrating how successful and independent her daughter has grown up to be. Not trying to chase a Gilmore Girls fantasy relationship.

      I’m sure there’s times your extremely close relationship with your mom has presented its own problems, that’s the nature of any relationship, but it’s likely your aunt isn’t thinking of that, she’s simply thinking of what she doesn’t have and not what it would take to maintain the relationship she thinks she craves. I’m sure a lot of the commentary here will be supportive of the aunt, but it might be worth reaching out to your cousin and trying to suss out if a close familial relationship is even something she wants.

      1. Girl friday*

        My kids are very independent and very loving. I think she just enjoys hearing how things are going. There’s so many different ways that things could be worse, people generally overestimate how affected other people are by the choices they make. In other words she’s probably or hopefully listening with one ear, and thinking about herself with the other.

    7. Koala dreams*

      I like the idea of spending more time with your aunt, whether in person or by skype/phone/postcards, but I also think you can push back a little when she laments her lack of closeness to her daughter. You can kindly ask her what she herself is doing to be more close. It sounds like your aunt is very busy and the not-close relationship with you cousin is as much a consequence of her actions as those of the cousin. Of course, this supposes you have this kind of equal relationship where you can be honest with your aunt. If not, maybe it’s better to make soothing noises and change the topic of conversation.

    8. matcha123*

      I grew up in a single-parent family and I also have an aunt who seems to struggle with some of the same things yours does. Honestly, I don’t think there’s much you can do aside from treating her kindly.
      From my view, they maybe feel jealous? because on the outside they have the ideal family unit: married with kids, and they struggle with the independence of the kids compared to the single-parent sibling.
      But, being a single-parent means a lot of struggle and loneliness. You can’t bounce ideas off of a spouse and many single-parents relay a lot on their kids. Your aunt probably would not go back in time and trade the stability of marriage for the stress of being a single parent just with the hopes of forming a closer bond to her child.

  22. I am still Furious!!*

    Not yet :( I heard from my attorney’s secretary, papers have been sent to the courthouse, and she said it would take a few days. So, it might be done but just not picked up in time for today’s newspaper, because last week they reported a divorce granted on Oct 31. Which means I’m still paying for health insurance premiums and fingers crossed my HR person can get at least some of it back for me. The bill for EXH’s legal fees came to $710.00, so I need to pay his attorney. I agreed to this when I left because he was unemployed and I didn’t want him to be able to come back later and contest everything because he had no legal representation. And yes, he’d do that.

    We had a snowstorm here, almost 10″ of snow and that’s with hours of rain and sleet mixed in Thursday night. I shoveled my Mom’s driveway, took me 3 hours, hair frozen to my head, my car got stuck and I had to park it down in town (and walk through 8″ of unplowed snow up hill to get home), since we live on a hill and the township didn’t plow before I got home from work, car got plowed in, had to call a friend for help at 9:30 at night to help me…OMG…my muscles still feel like I’ve been on the receiving end of a Vance McDonald stiff arm. And you know what? Mom never even said thank you. Not “glad the driveway is cleared so I can go to town tomorrow” or “thanks for taking care of that” or “I see your hair is frozen to your head, can I heat up water for tea?” Nothing. When I got home from work yesterday, I noticed someone pushed the snow back further with a plow. She said our neighbor came over and took a few minutes to plow the snow back, and she was upset with herself because she didn’t get a chance to thank him. I just looked at her. I said Mom, I worked really hard at that last night too, and she said “oh, I know”, and walked away. I’m didn’t expect her to shower me with gratitude, but a simple thanks for doing that would have been nice. One good thing that came out of this: the guy who helped me get my car free knows how to run the snowblower. Dad bought a monstrosity of a snowblower, I can’t find the manual, but…gonna get snowblower lessons so no more shoveling for me. At least not too much!

    So on to Thanksgiving next week, and I’m using up the rest of my vacation time from “W” so yesterday was the last Friday of “W” until January 4 for me. Plus, I’m on vacation starting Dec 21 and returning to “W” on Jan 2. Hope to visit my daughter out of state, and try to relax a bit, maybe hike if there isn’t too much snow, looking forward to it.

    Waiting impatiently…or trying to be a bit patient…as pacing around and being impatient isn’t helpful.

    2. chi chan*

      Moms who think courtesy is reserved for strangers and doesn’t apply to your own children. Grumble mumble

    3. Kathenus*

      Sorry this keeps dragging on. I’ve followed your story for a long time, and I have to say that you are doing a fantastic job of how you are handling the delays and things like your mom’s quirks with the snow. I really get the second one. Years back I flew to my mom’s at her request to help clear out parts of the house (she was somewhere between a packrat and a hoarder), spent a week of vacation to do so, and after she complained about what didn’t get done – so I feel your pain with this. I just tried to make myself remember that she was not in a good place emotionally and this was her unhappiness showing, that it wasn’t a reflection on me.

      And you gave me a smile with the Vance McDonald reference :) – Go Steelers!

      1. I am still Furious!!*

        Steeler Fan here! I wear my Terry Bradshaw NFL throwback jersey on game days, or tee shirts when it’s still in the 80’s and 90’s here. Loved that Vance McDonald stiff arm a few games back, like to watch TJ Watt and wow is James Conner doing great!

        I have to laugh – I just got back from our landfill. I had loaded up the truck a few weeks ago with junk from the basement (Mom is a packrat, and so was Dad, so the basement had a bunch of unused stuff piled up). I took one whole Sunday afternoon and sorted through things, loaded up the truck, and then it rained of course each Saturday, last Saturday was about 35 degrees with a stiff wind, and I didn’t want to go to the landfill and unload in the rain and wind. Now it snowed. Landfill is open when I’m at “W” and Saturday mornings. So I went to the landfill this morning, damp, cold, 36 degrees, unloaded all the stuff, got back to the house, and she asked “did you get the mail?” Yep. Here’s your junk mail Mom. Nothing about being cold, working outside, so I started making more coffee, and she grumbled about the weather. Oh. My. Gosh. Really. And like you, I know she is fundamentally unhappy and miserable, so it’s not a reflection on me, and I feel sorry for her.

    4. Competent Commenter*

      I wouldn’t shovel snow again for a parent who won’t say thank you but lets you know they thank others for doing less. I bet that behavior didn’t spring up out of nowhere. You deserve better.

      1. Forking great username*

        Well, is furious paying rent? If not then mom might just assume that helping out around the house is a given.

        1. I am still Furious!!*

          Well, if I don’t shovel or snowblow, I won’t be going anywhere either :) But it’s my job as the able bodied adult in the house (Mom is almost 83) to make sure the driveway is clear. I’m not paying rent, Mom let me move in after this whole divorce thing, dumping my house, and my contribution is helping to cook, clean, laundry, dishwashing, getting groceries, carrying things for her, just basically doing all the stuff she can’t do and making sure she’s OK. I take out the garbage, and do any other chores that need to be done, including driving her at night or when the weather is bad. What hurt my feelings is that she was so eager to thank the neighbor but never said anything to me. I was literally standing there, soaking wet, hair frozen to my head, and said, I’m done shoveling, I need to walk down into town to try to get my car up here, and it’s raining and sleeting. Gotta put on my ice cleats and get going, Mom. She grumbled about the weather.

          Had I been in Mom’s shoes, I would have at least offered a hot beverage, asked if I could make hot chocolate or fix something hot to eat for when that person got home, considering they had been up before 6 AM to go to work and it was already after 9 PM.

        2. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

          Ever if it’s Furious’ job to help mom in exchange for rent, it doesn’t make it less rude or infuriating not to at least acknowledge the effort. We thank waiters, taxi drivers, bartenders, and plenty of other people whose job it is to serve us, no?

    5. msroboto*

      There youtubes on how to use a snowblower as well. You should get the lessons and watch a couple of those too. Some will emphasis safety and you should be aware of safety when running a snowblower.

      1. I am still Furious!!*

        Found some YouTube videos, excellent suggestion, that’s my go to. I had to laugh – guys with hats and plaid shirt and work boots, so I figure they know what they’re doing :) :) Plus, neighbor man who helped me is going to give lessons. Today’s task is to check the oil, see what fuel mix it takes, make sure the tires are pumped up correctly, etc. It’s sort of a beast of a thing, thankfully it’s self propelled.

        1. I know it’s here somewhere....*

          If you search the exact make and model of your snowblower online, there is a good chance you will find a downloadable PDF of the owners manual, or a copy at a reasonable cost. (Have done this often for our power equipment, not sure where the manuals hide…)

          1. I am still Furious!!*

            I tried that, only found the one on the John Deere website, and they want $39.95 to download. Um, no. I can see a nominal fee but that’s ridiculous. So it’s YouTube and Neighbor Man.

    6. Dan*

      BTDT with paying for things we don’t want to, although my ex didn’t have representation… many people (not lawyers) told me that I shouldn’t have had to pay my ex a dime to go away. In my state, divorces can be done without a bunch of lawyers. I/we did the initial paperwork and then I paid a lawyer to actually handle the court processing. Best $250 I ever spent.

      But I paid my ex to go away because I didn’t want her to be able to contest the agreement. In my state, agreements can be contested on the grounds of fraud, duress, and/or they are just downright unfair. I figured if I made my ex sign an agreement saying she got nothing, she’d stand a good chance of finding a lawyer who would thing the agreement unfair and drag me into court. So I gave her enough money such that I didn’t think a reasonable person would buy that argument.

      The other thing I explained to people is that I basically paid a lot of money for overnight shipping. We could have let things drag out, we (I) could pay the lawyers instead, or I could just pay her to go away the next day. The later option had some appeal. So yes, there’s greater good in paying things we don’t want to or think we should have to.

      As for the snow, I can’t help you. I rent, and the snow just magically disappears. I don’t even call people. It’s wonderful

      1. fposte*

        As the saying goes, sometimes the cheapest way to pay for something is with money. It was true for you with divorce; it’s true for me with snow removal :-).

      2. I am still Furious!!*

        Agreed, Dan, his attorney proposed the settlement, I accepted it, and this is the best money I’ve ever spent. And even though it’s a lot of money for me, it’s a fraction of what it will cost me when he goes deep into gambling debt again, which will happen. Only this time, I won’t be there, my bank account won’t be drained, or credit cards maxed out, I won’t have the stress of debt collectors calling the house, etc. At least this debt will be manageable, and since I sold my house, even for the tiny amount I got for it, all of that money can go toward what I owe. I feel so free. And yes, I paid him to go away. And he can’t complain – his attorney, his proposal, his terms. Well, he can complain, but you know what I mean.

      3. Isotopes*

        This is what I’m currently trying to figure out – how much money is enough? It’s a very difficult process. But I’m the same way, I’d rather keep lawyers and agreements out of it as much as possible (for similar reasons to you), so it’s just a matter of the magic number. Ugh.

    7. Blue Eagle*

      Thank you very much for shoveling the snow for your Mom. I was very lucky to have a Mom who would thank me for every single little thing that I did for her. So I will thank you for doing that for your Mom in honor of my Mom.

      By the way, I wish you only extremely good financial things so that you are able to move out of your Mom’s house.
      Happy Thanksgiving!

    8. Woodswoman*

      That must be so frustrating to work that hard to help your mom and not get appreciated for it. It’s good to read that you addressed it directly with her and spoke up for yourself. That’s a great response to a crummy situation.

      Here’s hoping the paperwork for the divorce comes through soon, and that the HR person at your job can pull off the removal of your EXH to be retroactive and save you some money. The payment for EXH’s legal fees sounds like a sound decision to make sure the process doesn’t drag on further.

      As always, your journey is inspiring and impressive. I hope you have a terrific vacation!

      1. I am still Furious!!*

        Thank you! After 30+ years of footing the bill for health insurance I’m ready to have a paycheck to myself for once! It will get done. I understand our rural county has a busy schedule right now at the courthouse, we have a murder trial that just started, very unusual here, we don’t get many of those, plus a ton of probation stuff, preliminary hearings, etc. and I’m sure the judges are busy. I keep thinking back to the first meeting with my attorney, determining when the constable could serve papers, etc. and wow, how time has flown by and dragged at the same time.

        Once I get my vacation time in, and get back to W in January, I’m going to file my taxes as soon as humanly possible in case I owe money I changed my withholding some time ago but still, not sure if I did it correctly. That way I’ll have time to save up before April 15 rolls around.

  23. Can’t We All Get Along?*

    It’s so sad to see someone get hurt somewhere they thought would be a safe space. I volunteered at a sci-fi/alien convention over the weekend; though I didn’t see this for myself, the volunteer coordinator shared it with some of us.

    There were a lot of panels about life on other planets. Not fictional ones like Star Wars or Doctor Who, but discussions about the actual possibility of it being real. There was also a panel about alien abductions. During the Q&A portion of this panel, a gentleman went up to the microphone and started saying how he’d been addicted multiple times over his life. He started crying, explaining how this affected him and no one believed him, but he shared it here at this panel about alien abduction with like-minded people. Some of the audience laughed at him as he told his story and mocked him in their seats.

    I don’t care whether you think alien abductions are as likely as the Loch Ness Monster; this was a guy sharing something important to him at a place where he thought he would be accepted, and he ended up being ridiculed. The volunteer coordinator was pissed and so was I. I would have loved to tell those mockers to shut up, let him share this important thing without you making fun of him.

    Let’s all just try to remember that people can have different thoughts and beliefs, and as long they’re not hurting anyone around, let them enjoy their ideas without fear of ridicule.

    1. WellRed*

      Too bad the panel moderator fell down on the job. Maybe other people felt the way you do and dinged him on the evals, if there were any.

      2. MattKnifeNinja*

        The moderator really blew it.

        If everyone is sharing their personal stories, then that man got up and really overshared his experience, no one should be laughing. His experience is just a more extreme version of the others.

        If this was a general discussion, and the man morphed it into group therapy session, that’s not cool either. I’ve been to many many mental health meeting/support groups where one person gets up and way overshares their issues. The moderator gently says, “Personal stories are beyond the scope of this meeting. Feel free to share amongst yourselves afterwards.”

        If the session was advertised as personal experiences are welcomed to be discussed, the moderator should have jumped in and shut the kindergarten nonsense down.

        If this was a “general overview” discussion, the moderator should have gentlely moved that man along. Noone says the man couldn’t tell his story, that moment in time wasn’t it.

        Moderators need to step up the A game next year. Either explicitly state was is allowed for that panel, or the drop the hammer on the hecklers.

    3. StellaBella*

      Yikes that is terrible, the poor guy. I am thankful for your comment about letting others be free from fear of ridicule. And with the comment on how shocking it is that so many people chose to be cruel. I can’t imagine how much pain this poor man is in and how much more he now has because of the ridicule.

      A suggestion – the event likely had a website and likely has email lists or some way thru social media to reach out to the people who were on the panel and in that audience. Can those methods be leveraged for reaching out and saying this was wrong and not in the spirit of the organisation?

    4. Elizabeth West*

      Damn. That is really uncalled for. The poor guy could be having sleep disturbances and the suffering from that is very real. Making fun of him was mean and stupid. When someone is in pain, you show them kindness, not ridicule.

      Too bad I wasn’t there; I am NOT shy about telling idiots to shut the hell up.

      1. HannahS*

        Exactly. It doesn’t matter that you think he’s wrong about what happened to him! He’s expressing that he’s suffering; that part is indisputably true. Laughing at that is so unkind.

  24. Nervous Accountant*

    Any advice on parking w/o a rear view camera?

    I’m in Canada for the week visiting in-laws and since both our cars were totalled by a hit & run last week, we have a rental thru insurance. It’s a 2018 Nissan Versa which is very similar to my car (17 Sentra). Except there’s no rear view camera.

    I got my license pretty late (3 years ago at 30) and was driving a 2009 Versa for 2 years so I did actually learn to park without the camera—but just a few months with a rear view camera and I rely on it way too much -_- so while I’m ok driving, I’m not comfortable parking.

    If it matters I’m in Toronto and will be driving around in Brampton/Mississauga. It’s no issue if someone is with me but I may be driving alone here and there.

    1. Boo Hoo*

      I didn’t have one for most of my life but once I did it was hard to go back. I feel lost when I drive husbands car without it. No advice but it does become a crutch.

    2. WellRed*

      Honestly, the best yoi can probably hope for is to not need to back up parking. Move onto to another spot. It’s funny what we get used to. I have never used a camera in a car and frankly wonder how people do it.

    3. Kathenus*

      Park in larger, easier to access spots – even if it means a longer walk. I have a very small car, and when I end up driving a large car or truck, I park further away if needed to make sure I’m in a spot with lots of room to maneuver without stress.

      I’m the opposite, I can’t use the rear view camera, since I don’t have any experience with them and they make me nervous to use as my main visual view.

    4. Competent Commenter*

      Pull up parallel to the car in front of the spot, about half the length of your car or a little less. Turn the wheel pretty much all the way to the right. Gently reverse, looking in right side mirror to make sure you’re clearing the car in front. Reposition and restart if not. When you’re about halfway in and have cleared the car in front, turn steering wheel all or nearly all the way to the left and keep reversing until you’re into the spot. Starting at the right spot to begin with is crucial to a successful and elegant job. I lived for many years in San Francisco, never had a garage, parked up and down hills and on the left and right sides of one way streets. Probably have parallel parked thousands of times. If there is at least 6 inches of clearance front and back I can get in. You can do this ! :)

    5. Dan*

      I’m old enough now where I’ve been able to see technology outright replace at least a few things that we used to differently. A common theme with the early technology is that “oh, you can’t let the ‘fundamentals’ go to waste” so we’re going to teach you old-school. For me, I grew up in an era where you couldn’t use calculators on the math section of standardized tests. Except now, computers and calculators are so ubiquitous that I don’t see the point in penalizing people who can’t do math in their head or long form multiplication on paper. You need to know how to estimate so that if you fat finger the numbers, you have some clue that you screwed something up.

      I learned to drive before GPSs were a commodity. I learned to navigate and find directions using a paper map. Guess what? I don’t have a paper map anymore. If my GPS (er, cell phone) dies, and I’m in an unfamiliar place, I’m screwed.

      So, on to your problem. Yes, it’s an “issue” that you are so used to a rear view camera that you can’t park without one. But when that piece of technology is so central to your day-to-day activities, there’s not much you can do about not having one.

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        I hear you Dan. I’m just annoyed at myself bc I was driving w/o the camera for years yet just a few weeks/months with one seems to have undone all my learning. It is what it is.

        1. nonegiven*

          I’ve been driving for 46 years. The first time I parallel parked was the night before I took the test. The third time was some years later. I think I end up needing to do it once every few years. I do it slowly with my head on swivel, looking out all the windows and in all the mirrors, step by step.
          Just go through the steps Competent Commenter wrote and you will be fine.

          1. Dan*

            Since we’re on that subject… I live in suburbia. I grew up in the sticks. I can parallel park on the right just fine. However, the major city near where I live has lots of one ways streets with parking on both sides. I… just… have no idea how to parallel park on my left hand side. I tried it once and quickly gave up.

    6. LCL*

      I just looked up the versa and Sentra, those are some tiny cars. So, pretend your car is a big SUV or pickup and do what the smart drivers of those cars do. Park in lots, not on the street, park toward the back of the rows where there are empty spaces around, look for rows that face each other so you can drive through to leave instead of backing. If you have to back, walk all the way around the car first looking for hazards and pedal, roll your window down so you can hear people.

    7. Zona the Great*

      Backup cameras cause more backing accidents than turning your head and doing it the normal way. Practice with cones and never go back to using that thing. My drivers are written up for not using traditional means to backup.

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        How do they cause accidents?

        Sometimes I worry that the camera is wrong and I’m actually closer to the vehicle than far away as the camera suggests. But I thought that’s maybe my paranoia.

        1. Zona the Great*

          Because it actually cannot see what you can physically see yourself with most folks’ neck dexterity. Similar to side swipe warnings. They should not be used in lieu of checking your blind spot always.

        2. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

          I just finished taking driving lessons and getting a UK licence, and even though the car I was using had a camera I was forbidden from relying on it for parking. If I’d tried to back up without physically turning my head and looking it would be an automatic fail on the driving test because you can’t see all of the blind spots or people moving from the side to come up behind you. Also the perspective on those things can be really weird because the ones I’ve seen have a fish eye lens, which can distort distances.

          Perhaps find an empty parking lot or something and practice backing in while ignoring the camera?

    8. Girl friday*

      There are two schools of thought in Old School parking. Look out the driver side window and crane your neck to see if anyone’s coming in both directions. Turn your nose to the back window and keep it there while you back up is 1. Get those little circle mirrors that I think they still sell at Auto stores and stick them to your mirror and use them both when you back up. Use the side mirrors on both sides of the car to help you in other words. It’s so cute to have to explain this to people. Also, be really observant when you’re walking to your car to see what kind of structures are around you when you back up. That’s what we all used to do I think.

    9. Smarty Boots*

      Can you find someone who knows how to parallel park (I assume that’s what you’re asking about?) to go out with you and practice? It’s really the best way to learn how to do it.

      If you mean, back into or out of a pull in parking space, then my advice is: don’t back into the space, it’s hard to do. Drive in and then back out. For backing out, just go slowly and stop a lot. If you have enough room to back the car all the way out before turning, do that. Otherwise, get the car as far out as possible before turning to straighten in. You can always drive back into the space and start over if you think you’ve misjudged.

  25. The Curator*

    Still have post-big project hangover. The struggle is real. Made plans with friends. Went to an art opening last night and brought home three books to read prep for next week.
    Going to a play today and maybe music tonight. Tomorrow wide open. I am picturing wrapped in a blanket, fireplace, dog, cup of tea and a stack of books. There may be napping.

    1. Elizabeth West*

      Yay napping!

      It’s very nice out today but tomorrow is supposed to be cold and rainy. I may whip through the housecleaning and some writing and then take a nice cozy nap myself. :)

  26. TGI The Weekend*

    My partner and I love to travel together and we’ve discussed using our Christmas gifts to be geared more towards experiences for our travel wishes and less things that we don’t really need. The problem is that both of us also like giving and opening actual gifts under the Christmas tree. So we can do a few little things easy but I’d prefer to keep it geared more towards our travel plans.

    However, we don’t have any travel plans set in stone for next year. It’s not like ‘we’re going snorkeling so here’s a new bathing suit’ or something else that would be useful for our travel, since all our plans are still hypothetical right now. Thoughts on the what we can give for hypothetical trips?

    1. PetticoatsandPincushions*

      I’m sure this is obvious, but do either of you need luggage upgrades? Not even a full suitcase, but a nice carry-on bag or even toiletry organizer? It’s a gift that is very practical, you can find in a range of quality so you could even splurge on, say, a nice leather shaving bag or an indestructible duffle from LL Bean. Bags are also fun because after you open them you can sort of…explore them? Maybe it’s just the organizing nerd in me, but I love to go through a new backpack or piece of luggage and decide where everything fits and think about how I might pack it next time. Sort of a symbol of the next trip even if it isn’t planned yet.

    2. Boo Hoo*

      My ex traveled a lot so I’d get him Tumi items. A laptop bag once. A toiletry case. Always was a hit.

    3. Madge*

      Maybe travel gear? My husband has an inflatable camping pillow that he uses for travel. Its great because it packs small and can be partially inflated so you can smoosh it into whatever shape you need. You could also get good day packs, water bottles, geek lamps, etc.

    4. Ranon*

      If you don’t already own packing cubes, packing cubes are perfect- they’re so useful to have but feel a bit like an indulgence to buy. Portable battery packs are another good one.

    5. Kathenus*

      Do your big gifts travel-related, and for Christmas day focus on fun and interesting stocking-stuffer type small gifts. Finding neat, quirky, but inexpensive things can be a lot of fun, and just as much fun to open as the bigger stuff. Full disclosure, stockings were always one of my favorite parts of Christmas morning, and I’m not in a situation where I get one anymore as I live alone. I’ve told family how much I love them and that they could do this instead of a ‘real’ gift, but it doesn’t happen. They are very kind and generous with gifts, but don’t really get that I think the stocking stuff is just as good.

    6. Llellayena*

      Walk into any AAA travel and get ideas from their section of stuff. There’s a ton of stuff there that I didn’t think I’d ever need but that I now don’t travel without. Also, guidebooks! Easy to wrap, generates tons of ideas and takes time to go through!

    7. Parenthetically*

      Depending on how/where you travel: backpack, water bottle or camelbak, passport holder/document organizer, nice wheeled carry-on, a travel jacket with RFID blocking pockets, smart-looking compression socks, comfy walking shoes/hiking shoes.

    8. Overeducated*

      I’ve enjoyed receiving guidebooks to places i want to visit to fantasize and plan for future trips.

    9. HannahS*

      My favourite travel comforts:
      Tao-tronics noise-canceling earbuds. I recommend these for everyone; they make air travel much more comfortable.
      Wool socks. Don’t get grossed out, but wool stays much cleaner than other fibres; they genuinely don’t need to be washed every time you wear them, unless you’re very sweaty.
      A travel pillow that fastens in front.

    10. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      What about doing something kind of silly and buying shelf stable groceries that relate to a place you want to go? So a jar of spaghetti sauce if you’re dreaming about a trip to Italy, packets of dried seaweed if you’re thinking of Japan, cured chorizo for Spain, etc?

      Just a goofy idea but I love to give gifts that you can use up if there’s nothing you really need or want right now.

    11. pugs for all*

      how about travel magazines, if you don’t get them already? Wrap up a current issue for something to open, and then you get the fun of the magazine every month. They’re also not too $$$!

  27. Boo Hoo*

    Seriously struggling with my stepson lately. He’s lazy and disrespectful and I feel husband just lets it happen. He will finally step in and handle it but then it causes us to fight. Which makes me resent the kid. I hold that in and treat him well but deep down I’m screaming inside. Part of the problem is the kid never leaves the house. He doesn’t do things with friends, sports, any activities no matter how much we try or encourage him. He’s very lazy and just wants to lie around playing video games. In turn he is constantly under foot. I’ve never known a teenager to do nothing. Most I know are anxious to get out of the house. He will fight us on anything and everything, even bathing. He didn’t even brush his teeth for months. So gross. He’s not depressed or anything this is just how he is. He won’t turn in school work so then he gets punished but frankly it’s more like punishing ourselves with the arguing and tantrums. I don’t think husband should allow him to scream at us but he does and it’s makinh me miserable. In turn husband and i get into fights because I’ll tell son to not scream. I don’t think I should have to as husband should but I won’t be screamed at in my house. Especially over taking a damn shower. I’m so worn out over this. I dread kid coming home from school and literally count the days between when he visits mom, which is only a couple times a year. I really don’t want to feel that way but I do. Husband promised counseling but it hasn’t happened yet. I’ve researched a lot and the take away 100% of the time is husband disciplining and now allowing it but he doesn’t.

    1. Reba*

      That sounds hard. Please try to make family therapy–and individual therapy for the kid!–more of a priority. This is urgent.

      Where you see lazy, disrespectful, never leaves the house, gross — I see possibility of depression, other neuroatypical issue (sensory sensitivity), and anger that he doesn’t know how to cope with.

      1. Boo Hoo*

        No he is fine. I’m 10000% sure. He was this way with his mother too. He just has never been given any boundaries ever. Mom tried to enforce but dad will over ride and doesn’t follow through. And I’m always going to think not brushing your teeth for a month is gross. Sorry. He said and I quote “everyone has orange teeth”. Ya they aren’t yellow they are orange. He truly just doesn’t care. He won’t speak In counseling. Just sits there silent. We tried many times. He isn’t angry. He’s just a teenager being a teenager. Issue is husband not disciplining which any human let alone kid needs.

        1. Reba*

          I mean, regardless of whether he has a diagnosis or whatever, things are clearly not All Okay with your stepson, right?

          And constructive disciplining techniques and family communication are definitely things that a family counselor can help you with — it’s not just for mental illness as such. Sounds like you know you have a spouse problem just as much as a kid problem, so I just want to encourage you to go forward with counseling. You can even go by yourself if no one else will go at least to start with, and get some perspective and tips. Working with a neutral party who can evaluate what’s going on in your household and make suggestions for improvement looks like the only way forward.

        2. Rhymes with Mitochondria*

          You might feel 1000% sure, but you also could be 1000% wrong.
          I’ve raised several kids with depression to adulthood, and all this sounds VERY familiar for a depressed teen. So painfully familiar. Right down to not talking in therapy. With a good therapist, they can push past that point. I *so* wanted to give up on therapy at that point. We had no insurance coverage for mental health at that point, so it seemed ridiculous to pay $100 cash every week when he wouldn’t talk. But a friend convinced me to hang in there and trust the process, and by three weeks in he was past it, mostly.
          I’m concerned that you don’t really sound like you have much empathy for him. You say it’s “just him being a teenager” but you also say he’s not like any teenager you’ve ever known, because he doesn’t want to be with friends. That is not normal for a teen. You’ve made up your mind that he’s just lazy. You’re blaming him for problems in your marriage (not without reason, but it seems your husband is getting a pass and your son is not)
          You absolutely have a husband problem, too, but please don’t dismiss the idea that your stepson might need help.

        3. C Baker*

          He’s not fine. He’s not bathing. He’s not brushing his teeth. He’s not doing his schoolwork. He’s not socializing. None of this is fine. This is not a teenager being a teenager. There is something wrong – and he can’t be disciplined out of this.

          If he doesn’t like the counselor, find another. Consider looking into medications as well.

          1. Mehhhh*

            +1. And even if this is “just who he is,” he sounds miserable. And you are miserable. You can’t fight your way out of it. He knows you don’t like having him around, and he rarely sees his mom. So no one wants him and he’s stuck. I’m depressed reading about it. This isn’t healthy for any of you.

        4. This Daydreamer*

          Why are you so certain it’s not depression? Not wanting to spend time with friends and hygiene issues are huge red flags for depression. So is the anger and irritability. It sounds to me like he’s using video games to escape his unhappiness.

          Please don’t give up on therapy for him. Untreated depression is a deadly illness.

          1. Boo Hoo*

            Oh let me clarify. He doesn’t spend time with friends because he doesn’t have many and the ones he does have do exactly what he does. They talk on their video games. He’s a stereotypical nerd, weird kid.

        5. families!*

          I went to counseling as a teen and did not speak for at least 6-8 months because in fact despite appearances to the contrary speaking of my family with strangers was uber prohibited and the ultimate betrayal of the family, and that was just the tip of the iceberg. Not talking is not a symptom necessarily that all is well. To the contrary. Why would he even trust his therapist when he can’t trust his family?

          You describe your step son in such disparaging ways that I am not actually surprised he is behaving this way. He is behaving exactly how you (and perhaps others) expect him to – as a loser. You think he’s dirty, so by golly he’s going to be disgusting. And the 2 of you continue on this dance, you are more and more disgusted, he will become more and more disgusting [all of this is happening unconsciously, it’s not like he sat there and decided this]. You may say no words to this effect to him but your attitude is clearly readable. On top of that, it doesn’t sound like anyone likes him very much, his mother doesn’t see him, his father doesn’t seem to care [no boundaries], you don’t like him and think he’s disgusting. He’s just behaving exactly like you all taught him to, plus he gets some attention, even though it’s clearly negative.

          I second the family therapy suggestion but if that is not possible, therapy for you so you can approach him in a more neutral way and he can have space to find his way. You are the adult, I believe you have to initiate this change.

        6. Courageous cat*

          Dude, teenagers being teenagers don’t avoid brushing their teeth for 1 month. If they did then you probably wouldn’t be so upset by it. This sounds like mental illness and I can’t imagine you’re fully equipped to be so sure about it. You don’t think that if he were to see a counselor -> they recommend antidepressant -> he tries it, that he wouldn’t change even the slightest bit?

    3. Kathenus*

      Sounds like you have at least as much of a husband problem as a stepson one. I have no magical ideas. But you can stop doing things for stepson (and husband) to make this behavior easier. Don’t clean their stuff, don’t do their laundry, don’t wash their dishes (hoping this doesn’t all fall on you regardless, but given the descriptions in this, not confident that you aren’t viewed as the person expected to do these things).

      Since you can’t control them, control what you do and what you don’t. Don’t enable the bad behavior. And take care of yourself.

      1. Traffic_Spiral*

        Yeah, I’d say separate things into “your business” and “not your business.” “Your business” = he is not permitted to yell at you, he needs to clean up after himself in shared parts of the house and keep his room from stinking, etc. “Not your business” = his teeth, his relationship with his dad, his laundry, his hobbies, his homework, etc. Your husband can get off his ass and parent if he chooses to, but you can’t force this, so let him dig his own hole.

    4. Competent Commenter*

      Family therapy, yes. I know you say he’s not depressed but boy does he sound like it. I also wonder about ADHD.

      1. Nita*

        Me too. I have a relative with ADHD, or Asperger’s, or something (diagnosis has changed a few times) who behaves similarly and has a very fuzzy concept of personal hygiene. I’m glad you’re setting limits – no one did that for my relative, and the result was not pretty – but if it’s something like that, limits alone aren’t enough. It can take a few years to get the right diagnosis and the right treatment, but not looking into the possibility of something medical is not doing your family any favors.

    5. ThisIsNotWhoYouThinkItIs*

      I’d say this is a marital problem masquerading as a stepson problem. The stepson has issues that you don’t like, but the main problem is that your husband is either not handling things the way you agreed or that he doesn’t see them as a problem, yes?

      For sure, therapy (and schedule some alone if you can so you can work through how you feel and your frustrations with your hubby/stepson). Agreed with the above to just schedule yourself.

      A different perspective on the stepson: I am an avowed homebody and have been so most of my life. I could probably stay in my house for about a month before I’d even notice I’ve not been outside. I have mostly indoor hobbies (video games, home improvement, reading, etc.), too, which means even when I do have free time I’m usually inside. Some of my family does not get this AT ALL–they are the types that like to go out, do things, hang out with people, etc. That’s just not me. When it comes down to it, I’d rather be in my house. Not depression, just personal preference. My friends are the same way, so even when we hang out, it’s usually at someone’s home.

      To me, that issue is totally different from the yelling and tantrums. There are better ways to communicate and both of those are inappropriate in adults (I feel). If I wouldn’t tolerate it at work, where they pay me to listen to them, why would I tolerate it in my house?

      And finally, the hygiene issue (especially if he’s smelly, so it’s not just forgetfulness) could really be a signal for depression, so do see if you can get him to counseling. Hopefully the counselor can talk to him about expressing his frustrations, too.

      Might all be symptoms of a larger issue with you/his dad–rebellion in a different way. How long has the family been blended?

      1. StellaBella*

        This. ^^^. I have no idea, but I also think husband clearly did not respect former wife and does not respect you. I’d start therapy and think about your relationship with him first. If he’s refusing to be a parent and is ok with stepson railroading the family dynamic this is on the husband and he is the one that needs to see how his behaviour impacts you and the relationship.

    6. Auntie Social*

      A lack of self-care—bathing, tooth brushing—is an indicator of depression. Therapy should happen sooner rather than later.

      1. Boo Hoo*

        He’s fine. I’m sure. He just is lazy. I’m not being mean or not caring it just is a fact. His friends are all dirty too so to him it’s normal. If something was wrong I’d 1000% help him. He truly is just a lazy kid who wants to play games all day. Many teenagers are like this. Not everything is a diagnosis.

        1. C Baker*

          You said upthread that you’ve never known a teenager like this. Now you’re saying that many teenagers are like this. Which is it?

        2. Mehhhh*

          You don’t like this kid. Even your user name is taking a shot at him. Honestly, he was in your husband’s life first but it sounds like you resent him. Every child deserves to live in a home with adult(s) who care for them. If you can’t look at him with a little bit of compassion, perhaps you should consider whether this family is for you.

          1. Boo Hoo*

            Ive had the user name for a long time. It was Boo Hoo to the whiney snowflakes on her if you wish to recall way back.

            1. Ask a Manager* Post author

              I didn’t realize that but now that you’ve explained it… That’s going to make it difficult for people to assume good will from you, so could you please change it to something that’s not antagonistic? Thank you.

            2. Mehhhh*

              I’m curious as to why you’d want advice from a community you look at with disdain. I’m sorry that your son isn’t the child you wish he would be and I’m sorry that there’s so much discord at home. But I think your own attitude towards him and the people you turn to for help may require more introspection than is available here.

        3. Natalie*

          Okay? So let’s say he is fine – how does that change anything *for you*? Your anger and frustration don’t seem to be having any positive impact on his behavior. Is that likely to change somehow?

          I would see a counselor for you, not because you have some kind of diagnosis but because you sound unhappy and your current coping strategies don’t seem to be serving you well.

          1. C Baker*

            Yes, this is important to reiterate – you don’t need to have an illness or a diagnosis in order to seek counseling!

          2. ThatGirl*

            This, and also seeking help for him certainly couldn’t hurt. I don’t see how she can be so sure nothing is wrong when he’s acting like something definitely is. Why wouldn’t you want to find that out? Why wouldn’t you want to help him? But at least go for yourself.

        4. valentine*

          He’s not lazy. Remove that from your assessment and see what it does for you. What if you proceed as though he physically cannot bring himself to do what you want him to do? How does that change your attitude and actions? Maybe he’s exhausted. Is he getting enough sleep at the right times or does his school start too early? (Frankly, if he were lazy, so what? What decisions does he get to make about his life and has anyone asked him his goals without boxing him in or being judgmental and obviously wanting him to leave the home, for college or someplace else, someday soon?)

          If you haven’t already, see if he will agree to go to counseling alone, with a therapist who is not the one you see as a family. He knows you hate him. He knows you fight about him. His mother abandoned him (or his father’s stopping him seeing her). Your family is fragmented in part because you view it that way. Things will improve for you immediately if you accept him unconditionally as your son, no remove. If you don’t love him or know you never will, you should leave. He needs all the adults in his household to be on Team Him, on Team Family, without these weird rules where his dad has to boss him about because you obviously don’t want to deal with him or sexism rules. Go to couples counseling and maybe only talk about these problems there. He never leaves home and is underfoot. Does he want to spend time with you? Do you do family stuff, at least weekly? Let him tell you about his videogames. Don’t disparage his interests.

          Dial back to basics. I’ll assume he’s having a dental cleaning every six months. Have the dentist tell him what he needs to do to prevent cavities/extra appointments. Can he even do it? Physically, I mean. Can he rub toothpaste on his teeth, even if he can’t do a full brush? Get him floss picks, for portability and possible fun. Bathing: can he draw a bath and sit in it? Would he be willing to sit in the shower if you got him a bath chair? (Like a plastic patio chair.) If no, buy him disposable washcloths (pre-soapy, for sponge baths). At minimum, he needs to, what, not smell? Start there.

          This child needs lovingkindness everywhere, but especially at home, and you have the power to provide it, while he has little power to seek it elsewhere.

          1. Courageous cat*

            I dunno about some of this, like that last paragraph. I mean I definitely would suspect the kid has depression but I don’t think treating him like he’s 5 or has a mobility issue (I would assume BH would have mentioned that as context if it were part of it) is going to help anything other than broach the line from “encouragement” into “coddling”. If he can physically shower but isn’t, then I don’t think giving him the opportunity for sponge baths is going to change much.

            Overall, here’s my take: he can have depression and need help and *also* not be someone that OP has to love and be kind to always. He’s clearly pretty terrible to her in some regards, and seems old enough that he should be able to control his outward emotions to some degree. The issue is honestly that his dad needs to start setting boundaries and parenting him.

        5. Oops I forgot*

          This was my younger brother and his friends in high school, to a “t.” My brother was extremely depressed.

          I literally would drive 2 hours home from college and try to make personal hygiene “fun”. He fought with my parents constantly, in a rage. He ended up getting arrested at one point because he threw furniture at my parents and they didn’t know what else to do.

          Work on getting him help. My parents weee in just as much denial as you. It was my other siblings and I that convinced them and brother that this was Not Normal Or Okay.

          He’s now a happy, healthy 33 year old but that 3-5 year period was the darkest for our family.

        6. J*

          This does sound incredibly difficult to deal with, so I can understand your frustration —but the lack of tooth brushing is seriously, seriously not normal, and it sounds like your stepson does need help. I occassionally forget to brush my teeth in the morning before running out of the house, and by the end of the day my mouth feels disgusting and also ….it almost …hurts? Brushing my teeth becomes my most ardent desire. No matter how ‘lazy’ someone is, they’re going to become VERY motivated to brush their teeth long before the one month mark. The fact that your stepson let it go that long really does make this sound like an issue with depression and/or anxiety.

          A friend of mine once didn’t brush his teeth for several months when he was a child, because of OCD. He didn’t tell his parents about his OCD, though; he just let them think he was brushing his teeth.

          A final observation is that as a teenager my brother’s primary activitity was playing video games. He proudly described himself as “lazy.” His favorite animal was and is the sloth “because they’re so lazy.”But he didn’t have a hygiene problem or a lack of desire to spend time with friends. He did his school work. I’ve known plenty of stereotypical “lazy gamers” and the behavior you’re describing isn’t normal for them. Please seek a second (or third, or fourth) professional opinion. It sounds like all three of you are really hurting and things aren’t improving as they are. So if you enlist the help of a professional and things don’t improve — well, the current strategies weren’t improving things, either. And maybe things can get better.

    7. Middle School Teacher*

      As someone who has interacted with teenagers for 15 years, sorry but this is not “a teenager being a teenager”. This is something wrong.

    8. Gatomon*

      I’m confused, how are you going to discipline him into hygiene and having activities with friends? Are you going to find teenagers to hang out with him? Strap him down in the yard and hose him down? He is not a baby or small child, and it doesn’t sound like there’s much in his life to take away from him as discipline. If he’s always at home, being grounded is not a punishment. Are you going to kick him out instead?

      It doesn’t seem like you have much interest in the root cause of his behavior since you’ve decided that this is simply how he is. I don’t think your husband is the whole problem here.

    9. LibbyG*

      I’m struck by how you say he’s “constantly underfoot” and that you dread when he comes home from school. It sounds like maybe you’re home a lot too? Like part of your frustration is not having the house to yourself as much as you’d like?

      I agree with others that this kid can’t be happy with life. I dearly hope he gets real, empathetic help soon. But in the short run, you aren’t going to get him to change his behavior, so maybe focus on meeting your own needs so that you can cope better.

      Do you need more alone time? A tidy sitting area at home all to yourself? Do you need to get out and see friends more? I hope you can find something helpful that doesn’t rely on a radical change in behavior from your family members.

    10. Not So NewReader*

      Wait. So he only sees his mother a couple times a year???

      Okay this is reminding me of a few teen aged boys I know whose mothers point blank said they do not want their sons. The boys were DEVASTATED. Absolutely and completely devastated. I am not talking about mother-dependent teens, I am talking about otherwise average teens whose connection to their mother was reduced down to next to nothing.
      One of those boys is now thirty something and sitting in state prison. In a different example the boy ended up with a step-mom who would do anything for him. That boy also totally rebelled in every way he could think of. Which parallels what you are saying here, “nothing works”. The problems were constant. And as you are saying here, step-mom said “Dad needs to step up to the plate.” Well Dad couldn’t because he was working 80 hours or so a week.

      Like you are saying these boys all did NOTHING around the house. And their self-care was non-existent.

      The despair and hopelessness of the situation is very clear in your writing. You’re at your wits end dealing with all this apathy here. I think it’s time to put your foot down and tell these two that you are all going to counseling together, to get your lives back. What is going on now is not living, it merely surviving from one day to the next. Tell your family they deserve better than that. You guys are all losing parts of yourselves. Time to reclaim those parts.

    11. KR*

      I knew some young men growing up like this. Honestly what seemed to help is peer pressure over time from their friends. Soon enough they figured out, oh wait if I don’t brush my teeth or take showers no one will want to talk to me because I’ll smell. If I don’t hang out with my friends soon I won’t have any. So on. I saw a lot of guys glow up when they hit college or their last couple years of school. I would just make it clear to your step son that a)at least semi frequent bathing shows respect to other people because they don’t want to smell you. Figure out what you would be happy with – if he baths and brushes his teeth every third day will you not fight about it? Also can you enlist your dentist to scare him into taking care of his teeth? B)if he does poorly in school it will affect his future because he won’t learn what he needs for college and he will be limited in college selection. I don’t have techniques for this, sorry. My husband did not like to do school and the only thing that motivated him was classes he really liked and the fact that he had to graduate to join the military. Now that he’s older he is more responsible and knows he has to work hard to get what he wants. But it took time. I would just lay it out depending on how old teen is – if he’s 13 this is all a bit too soon and he will probably grow out of it, if he’s 17 it’s time to start saying for example, we will support you for x amount of months after high school and after that you must pay rent to live here. That includes bathing x amount of times or you have to find a spot to live. If you’re in college keeping up grades you can just live here but have to show us grades (or whatever you and husband agree on). Good luck. Note I have no kids but people I knew who were similar.

    12. Thursday Next*

      I’d say to start from a position of compassion for all three of you, and see how that helps you approach this situation.

      Bluntly, you have a stepson problem, a husband problem, and a you problem. All three of you seem to want something, to feel your needs aren’t being met in some way.

      You really control only yourself, so please start with therapy to help you unravel some of these issues, and work out ways of discussing this productively with your husband.

      I know you’re frustrated and fed up with this behavior. But perhaps if you could think of him as a child who needs the help of adults he lives with, it could help you see yourself as being someone in a position to make a positive intervention in his life.

      A lot of commenters have suggested underlying medical conditions, like ADHD and depression. I think these could well be the case and I hope you consult a professional again. But even if he’s “just lazy,” it’s neither typical nor constructive for an adolescent never to brush his teeth or shower, and you would benefit from professional advice on how to approach this.

      Best of luck to you.

    13. neverjaunty*

      You have a husband problem, not a stepson problem. Your stepson’s behavior is WAY outside the norm, but apparently your husband’s approach has been to let you (and previously the boy’s mother) do the heavy lifting, only stepping in when he has to, and promising counseling that doesn’t happen? No wonder you’re screaming inside – but your screaming should be pointed in a different direction here.

    14. LilySparrow*

      Look, the only thing you can do for yourself is find someone to talk to who can help you so you don’t feel like you’re screaming inside and dread a big section of your days. So I hope you go to therapy on your own, whether your husband follows up or not. Going to therapy isn’t about you being broken or wrong – you are under a terrible amount of stress and are living with people who scream at you and treat you with disrespect. Nobody can put up with that forever with no outlet. You need support. A therapist can help you come up with strategies to communicate with your husband and stepson, and take care of yourself.

      Obviously your stepson is not behaving in a way that’s healthy or constructive – you see that, and it’s part of what worries and exasperates you. But it need not be a medical issue like clinical depression or ADHD either.

      It’s really common for kids to be angry after a divorce, and resent their parents and their stepparents. It’s super common for teenagers to show their anger through irrational fights, withdrawal, opposition, passive-aggressive resistance, and self-sabotaging behavior. It’s really common for parents to get stuck in guilt and give up on appropriate boundaries. It’s sadly common for dads to allow their kids to be disrespectful to their wives.

      It’s dysfunctional. It’s unhappy and unhealthy – but it’s not a “medical problem” in the sense of having debilitating anxiety or executive function problems.

      Your husband needs to roll up his sleeves and invest some time in rebuilding his relationship with his son, because you can’t offer healthy discipline unless you have credibility, trust, and emotional authority in someone’s life. If he tries to come down hard on this behavior right now, he’ll just drive his son further away. He has to work at restoring some love and positive communication before his son is going to care what he thinks or listen to him about anything.

      Unfortunately, you can’t control that. So I hope you get some support for yourself. And maybe your therapist can also give you some ideas on how to break up this deadlock of the three of you pushing against each other. There may be something you can change in your responses that will start a domino effect of change in the household. Not magic-wand fixing everything, but some positive shifts over time.

      Good luck!

  28. Poké*

    Pokémon Go rant (smallish one, but I have to get over my frustrations :P )

    I’ve been playing the game since the beginning… the past week I found a golden magikarp: for the first time ever!
    I got it. but it is only 10 HP…. makes me want to cry, that is gonna take a long time to evolve and make it decent.

    1. LGC*

      Congrats! And I wish I could send candy, since I have about…800 candies stockpiled waiting for a shiny Magikarp. (I have a few Gyarados already, but I think almost all of them are pre-shiny.)

    2. Book Lover*

      I have a 10 cp one also :). It is just for cute and for dropping in gyms – just enjoy having a teeny gyarados. I kind of love the teeny tiny ones.

    5. Cruciatus*

      It might be low CP and HP but it could have 100% IV. I caught a magikarp (unfortunately still no golden ones) and it was 10CP but had 100% IV so I powered it up all the way to full and then evolved it to a 100% IV gyarados. All that powering up improved the CP and HP over time, though the IV can never change. So you might have a fantastic golden magikarp that just needs to be powered up (a whole bunch)! (It could also be terrible as it seems most of my shinies are).

      I use PokeGenie to test for IVs. It’s easier on an android I hear (which I have) and is more of a hassle on iPhones (though it still works). I have only caught one shiny that I know of on a non-event day (a Swablu). I accidentally deleted a shiny Natu once because I needed space during a community day and my hand just moved faster than my brain. I saw “Do you really want to delete shiny Natu?” and my finger said “yes” and my brain went “Noooooooooooooooooooooo”. Too late.

      1. Anonomo*

        Hahaha this is so true! I didnt know about IV calculators for about the first year I played so Im sure I threw tons of 100s away! My shiny magikarp is a 116HP but an 89IV (Im waiting to trade it with my husband because he has the snitch (shiny swablu) I want but we arnt “good enough friends” lol

  29. Anon Anon Anon*

    Rental situation here. I could use some advice.

    I’ve been renting my house for a few years. My landlord lives in another part of the U.S. She isn’t completely fluent in English and I don’t speak her native language. So we have a property manager, a former tenant who lives nearby.

    I’ve had mostly good experiences with the property manager, but he gives off a weird kind of vibe and can be unreliable at times and weirdly argumentative at other times. Gut-wise, he gives me the creeps. But I’ve had no good reason to complain about him. He’s usually nice and friendly.

    The other day, he stopped by with a repair person to get an estimate. I came outside to say hi and let them know I was there in case they needed anything. He gave me a weird look and said sternly, “I thought you weren’t home because your car isn’t in the driveway.” I just replied, “No, I’m here!” because I had this sudden instinct not to tell him that I no longer have a car. I’m an artist, I look young for my age, I dress a little unconventionally at times, and I have some minor physical quirks (and related limitations) that some people misunderstand. So I get a lot of judgment from certain people because of that. The “irresponsible, lazy young person,” stereotype. In reality, I’m about 40, I get up around sunrise every morning and I barely drink or anything. But that’s only tangentially relevant. I dismissed his weirdness as being part of that picture.

    Anyway, after they left, I went outside to do some gardening. A woman with two young kids approached me. The woman asked if the property manager lives there, identifying him by his car. I said, “No, he works for my landlord.” She said, “He was filming us! It scared me. I tried to ask him what he was doing and he quickly got in his car and drove away.” “That’s awful! Yeah, he’s a little weird. I’ll tell my landlord about it,” I said.

    So now I’m trying to figure out what to do. I realized that telling the landlord might or might not be the best course of action. The woman told me she lives down the street, but she didn’t say which house. I don’t remember her name.

    It seems like the most appropriate response would be for me to give her the property manager’s name and info so she can report it if she wants to. But I think my landlord would also want to know. I’m really dreading writing that email, and wondering what will happen as a result. I haven’t been a model tenant because of some other stuff that happened, and she and the property manager have been nice and understanding about it. I don’t want to jeopardize that, but filming random children and running away when approached is really not cool. I know there could be an innocent explanation, but it upset these people, so it’s really not ok.

    1. Middle School Teacher*

      Personally I would report it to the police. They can keep you anonymous and they really should be dealing with this anyway.

      1. Anon Anon Anon*

        So if you go to them and they tell you that they can’t keep you anonymous, what should you do? Look for a phone number for a unit that handles certain kinds of things?

        1. C Baker*

          Did they tell you that, or are you speaking hypothetically? If it’s the latter, I’d worry about that after it happens, not before.

          1. Anon Anon Anon*

            It happened with another situation. They told me that if I file a report, it would be part of the public record, including my name. That was for an attempted sexual assault sort of thing. They said an officer could talk to me without filing any paperwork, but then it wouldn’t be actionable.

    2. chi chan*

      Tell the woman who was filmed to report him to the police. You did your bit by identifying the man to the victim. And if questioned by the police you can point them towards your landlord.

    3. WellRed*

      I don’t usually “go there” but today I am gonna say, look around your apt for signs that he’s been in there unknown to you.

        1. Anon Anon Anon*

          I actually did! I had them on for a while. But I was having trouble paying my bills and as a result, sometimes my internet was shut off so they weren’t operational. Creepily, during those times, there were some signs that someone might have broken in. And there were a couple of break-ins before I got the cams. But the police won’t do anything because nothing of value was taken. It was stuff like clothing and photographs, not something like electronics that they can easily put a price on and look for in pawn shops. They said they’d keep an eye on my house, though. I had other suspicions about who had broken in, but I really have no idea.

            1. Anon Anon Anon*

              I know. I was pretty sure it was someone I’ve known for a long time. But the police just pointed out that it would be easy to misplace stuff and forget about it. They asked if I was sure I don’t have memory problems and they said they don’t make reports of stolen property unless its monetary value is above a certain amount. :-(

    4. MCL*

      Also why is he entering your home without notice? Whether your car is in the driveway or not, he should be giving you a warning about being in your house. I would ask him to do that.

    5. ThisIsNotWhoYouThinkItIs*

      He sounds sketchy. I like all the above recommendations.

      As for the rest–I wouldn’t want someone that gives me creep vibes to have access to my house. My brain went the same direction as WellRed–why would he care so much that you were or were not there?

      I’d probably invest in some cheap nanny cams to see what else might be going on when you aren’t there, and I’d for sure let the landlord know about that complaint. It may also protect you later if something happens and it becomes a he-said she-said.

    6. Anon Anon Anon*

      These are great comments! I need to clarify a few things:

      – I don’t have a way to contact the woman. I don’t know her name or which house she lives in. I would have to go door to door. It’s a pretty friendly neighborhood, but I don’t know if that would be a good idea or not.

      – The property manager told me he’d be coming by that day. He only needed to access the exterior of the house. There was nothing sketchy about the visit except for his peeved and judgmental-sounding tone when he told me he thought I wasn’t home. He’s always followed the rules and notified me about things. I can’t rule out any sketchiness, but I don’t have any hard evidence either.

      – The police in my city don’t allow you to remain anonymous, unless I’ve been given incorrect information by some of them. CPS does, and I could contact them because this involves children, but I think they refer you to the police if you’re not a direct care-giver (relative, teacher, babysitter, etc). Both are pretty reluctant to take reports about something someone else told you, in my experience. They want to hear from the person the thing happened to. But I might try.

      1. Jaid_Diah*

        I would check if he installed cameras in your house, because that’s the creepy I’d expect from a person you’re describing.

      2. Wishing You Well*

        As upsetting as it is for you, I wouldn’t make a police/CPS report on hearsay.
        It’s up to your neighbor to report it – she DOES have enough information for a police report. She knows how to get in contact with you and how to get your property manager’s information. Let her decide what she wants to do.
        Trust your gut. Keep your cameras up and running. Make police reports if you have more break-ins, even if there’s no followup by police. Actually, I hope your property manager starts behaving better, now that he knows he can’t predict when you’re home.
        Best Wishes for Peaceful Times.

          1. valentine*

            Given the way they’ve treated you, the police may double down and target you if you keep making reports.

            Move. You’re not safe. This sounds like a crime documentary: weirdo, stalker B&E, the police gaslighting you. Look for the guy to escalate. Filming kids is fairly bold.

            Assume the landlady’s email goes to Creepster. If you can call/text/chat with her, ask your library or look online for a translator.

            1. Anon Anon Anon*

              She only communicates by email. Which sounds sketchy, but I have met her in person. I am concerned that she might not understand the message and might forward it to him or copy him on the reply. I can’t afford to pay for any translating services, but I might try Google Translate and hope for the best. Unfortunately, I can’t afford to move right now.

        2. Officer Anonymous*

          I agree with Wishing You Well. I know a lot of people wish they could remain anonymous, but in order to follow the law and uphold the constitution, I have to have probable cause in order to investigate a crime. In a situation like this in my jurisdiction, a statement from the complainant is necessary to develop that probable cause. Without it, I would have to personally witness this subject filming someone and that, in and of itself, might not fit the criteria of a crime. You and I know it’s wrong and just plain gross, but I have to be able to prove it’s also illegal.

          Your own documentation can be very helpful, even if it’s just a notation in a notebook or calendar that you saw the property manager at a specific time/date at your residence, proving he was in the area. If your jurisdiction doesn’t have a heavy call volume, it might also be worth calling and asking for advice on what they need to have to pursue this type of complaint.

    1. ElspethGC*

      Ohh no, that’s always so annoying.

      A couple of years ago I had a group project that we had to do decently on to pass the year (first year of uni didn’t count grades-wise, but there was one module that had to average out at 50% across two group projects in order the pass the first year) and it wasn’t even that hard, but we got ghosted. 5,000 word essay and we were each writing a third, and we agreed to all get the parts together by Friday to hand it in on Monday for the deadline. He didn’t make that deadline and promised to get it to us by Saturday afternoon…and then didn’t get back in touch with us until 10pm Sunday. We wrote the last third ourselves with no prior research, and he didn’t get a grade, and he also didn’t come back to class for the rest of the year. In other words, he didn’t pass first year. But he still has his email registered with the university? I think he possibly got the chance to retake the first year. But *still*. It was super frustrating.

      1. Enough*

        Had one of those in college. Added to that presentation was after Thanksgiving and we had a bad snow storm and he missed both Monday and Wednesday classes so we had to do the presentation without him. The school gave everyone a pass for Monday and there was no reason he shouldn’t have been there.

    2. CoffeeOnMyMind*

      When I was a TA, a student tried to get into the exam room 30 minutes late! He pounded on the door, which disturbed the other students, and tried to explain that his alarm went off late. I admit I had little pity for him, in part because this was his second semester (ie he knew how uni exams work). I told him that he’d have to find the professor and talk to her about taking the exam. After 20 minutes or so I got a text from the professor, telling me that he could take the exam. So I let him in, but told him he had the remainder of the exam period to finish. The room was reserved next period for another exam, plus I personally refused to reward him for being so abysmally late. Project deadlines and exams were the two things I was pretty much unmoveable on (extreme circumstances aside). He was very lucky that the professor let him take the exam at all. Plus, from my POV, the experience should motivate him to make sure to never be late to an exam again.

    3. Asenath*

      I always hated group projects in university. There was always someone who coasted along on everyone else’s work. It’s really infuriating.

  31. Be the Change*

    Love of the week?

    Mine is ( laughs sheepishly) the Dr. Oz podcast. I found it last Saturday while painting my bathroom. He’s no great thinker but it’s entertaining and the guests are very interesting.

    1. Boo Hoo*

      After 3 plus years of my heart rate constantly being high for no reason, dozens of doctors, being told I just have anxiety when I knew that wasn’t the case…. I FINALLY am on beta blockers and was diagnosed officially. I am so relieved and one week into my meds my HR stays normal and I am starting to feel a lot better. I am working on figuring out the medication…it doesn’t mention taking it with food but lord help me if I don’t I will be sick in bed all day. It makes me a bit tired and not so hungry so I have to remind myself to eat, on top of having to eat before I take it. Doctor said it should take a few weeks to get past the initial side effects and if it isn’t working he will try something else, but so far it seems pretty good and I am having pretty minimal side effects. Just so relieved to have someone finally taking me seriously after years of feeling like I was going to pass out after running a marathon, every single day, constantly.

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        Is it metoprolol? I am having a heck of a time getting the dosage right. I was on 100 mg twice per day, but after about eight hours, I can feel my heart pounding, so my doctor told me to take 150 mg in the morning and 100 at night. Well, if I take 150 mg all at once in the morning, I am a slug who can’t stay awake for the rest of the day. I am thinking I am going to have to take 100 in the morning, 50 around lunchtime, and then my usual nighttime dose. It took me about two weeks to get used to my current dosage.

        1. Kuododi*

          I have been on Bystolic for a couple of years now due to a minor hear arrythmia. I’ve found it to be quite helpful, with negligible side effects. I’m aware it’s one of the newer ones on the market and I am very thankful my insurance hasn’t chosen to be ridiculous about coverage. It might be worth a chat next time you are in for a check up with your GP. Best regards. (PS. All standard disclaimers apply… I am still not a nurse, doctor or in any way qualified to make medical recommendations….. I additionally have no connection to the manufacturer of Bystolic. If you find it helpful…great!! If not…no sweat- certainly no bad feelings. )

        2. Not a cat*

          I didn’t do very well on metoprolol. Cardie switched me to DILT XR, 120 mg once and day and am much better. I’m a series case though, I need a valve replacement.

    2. Lore*

      Someone mentioned them above, but packing cubes. I never really got what they were for. But I just finished a 10-day trip where the super saver airfare meant checking a bag cost $60, so I needed a new suitcase and there was a deal where the cubes + suitcase cost less than the full price suitcase so why not? All of a sudden packing was simple geometry rather than fluid dynamics! I didn’t spend the whole we removing and replacing everything to get dressed. I didn’t forget which shirts I had because they were all together. (The new suitcasevhelped too of course.) Littlr square pouches. Who knew?

      1. Elizabeth West*

        OMG packing cubes are GREAT.

        You know what works really well for that? The clear plastic zipper thingys you get sheets in. You can put stuff in them like the cubes and if they have to search your bag, they don’t have to open everything because they’re see-through. I save those things and use them for all kinds of storage.

        1. Lore*

          Smart! I’ve mostly been buying sheets at Target and they pack them in fabric bags that always annoy me because I’ll never get the sheets back into them and yet somehow they feel wrong to throw away. The idea of extra packing cubes may be an incentive to buy sheets elsewhere!

    3. Monty and Millie's Mom*

      Sweater weather for dogs! Never thought I’d be the person who buys clothes for my pets, and yet here we are! A friend told me she was disappointed in me, but I’m not even sorry because it causes me such great delight!

      1. Elizabeth West*

        A friend of mine and her husband got one of those Cornish Rex cats, a white one, and they dress her up sometimes. She doesn’t mind. They take lots of pictures and videos of their baby and share them. <3

  32. catsaway*

    I am looking for vacation recommendations! I will be going to Italy for a conference in February. Since the most expensive part of a European vacation (plane tickets) is being paid by someone else and it’s the off season so there are a lot of good hotel deals I’m going to take a long weekend type vacation in Florence.
    I am looking for any recommendations/suggestions of what to do in and around Florence for 3-4 days. I’ve been to Florence before, but it was just for one day so I hit up the major sites but not much else. I don’t want to see ‘David’ again but I do want to go to the Uffizi Gallery. What else is good to see in Florence or what nearby city is best for a day trip? Any recommendations for good and reasonbly priced restaurants in Florence? Since it’ll be February I’m more looking for indoor sites since I know I can’t count on the weather to be good enough to spend all day outside. I’ve traveled to Italy, and on my own, before so I am comfortable navigating trains and old European cities by myself.

    1. Winter Squirrel*

      We spent 4 days in florence in April a few years back. I can’t remember the names of the restaurants for the life of me. I don’t remember disagreeing with tripadvisor’s assessment of restaurants though (we avoided the very touristic spots and had a 25-30€ per person budget per evening – with no wine-. At midday we snacked: focaccia, ice creams, ‘cakes assortment for lunch’ and the like) .

      Here are some suggestions for activities:
      We enjoyed just strolling around and visiting the churches, even those not listed in the top ten lists are pretty grandiose. Since there’s about a church every other street, it’s doable with an umbrella even in bad weather.^^
      If you haven’t been to the Duomo ( Santa Maria del Fiore – the Cathedral) it’s definitely worth the trip. The Basilica San Lorenzo and the adjacent chapels of the Medicis family (Cappelle Medecee) are also architectural wonders and have interesting history.
      If you like art and history, the national museum (Museo Nazionale del Bargello) is very interesting and beautiful. It’s a nice addition to the Uffizi.
      The Boboli garden (good weather required) is lovely and the museums nearby are worth a look (all in the large “Palazzo Pitti”) : there’s classical art, modern art,porcelain, silverware etc. You can keep busy for an afternoon easily.
      The library ‘biblioteca delle Oblate’ is also nice hideout if it’s raining.

      There’s Siena and Pisa about an hour’s bus away, there’s plenty to keep you busy for a day in each town. I found Siena to be more charming, but I was there in the spring and we mostly stayed outdoors admiring the architecture. For just one day, the tourist office will give you everything you need to know.

      Have fun!

    3. Hellanon*

      The Museum of the History of Science is fantastic, and is pretty much at the back of the Uffizi on the river. The Pazzi Chapel at Santa Croce is worth a visit as is the Medici Chapel. The Opificio, up near Accademia, is interesting if you are a fan of the Florentine stone-inlay work. Sienna, Volterra, Orvieto, San Gimignano are all fairly close; Bologna is about an hour by train, and the trip over the mountains is beautiful. Heck, Rome is not all that far and you can see a few of the major sights if you get an early start. Enjoy – Florence is beautiful!

      1. catsaway*

        Thanks for all the church and city recommendations. Bologna wasn’t even on my radar and it looks like its 35 minutes from Florence on the high speed train.

    4. DragoCucina*

      I second the Bargello. The Brancacci Chapel is small but Masaccio’s frescoes are breathtaking. There are also lots of good places to eat in the neighborhood. One of my favorite meals of all my trips to Florence was in a neighborhood filled with auto body shops. There was no formal menu, just what was made that day. The Certosa of Galluzzo is a beautiful monastery that’s a bus ride outside of Florence.

      1. catsaway*

        Thanks for the monastery recommendation – it looks very interesting and I don’t know if I would have found out about it myself.

    5. Traffic_Spiral*

      I’d spend a little time outside florence proper – go see a winery and have some good rustic tuscan food: bistecca alla Fiorentina, some boar pasta, definitely a truffle dish, and lots of nice chianti. Torre a Cona is my favorite winery – they all speak English, but it’s not one of the huge industrial wineries that they ship the busloads of tourists to. Then get recommendations for some good restaurants in the area from them.

      1. catsaway*

        Are any of theses things accessible via train or bus? My budget is more 2/3 star hotel off season, so I can’t rent a car.

    6. Bagpuss*

      I’d recommend booking in advance for the Uffizi. Even at low season it can be hugely busy with very long queues, so booking ahead for a timed ticket will save you a lot of queuing.
      Siena and Pisa are both easy to get to via public transport,and are interesting.
      I’d second or 3rd! the Bargello.

    7. Applesauced*

      Il Latini is a great restaurant in Florence! I went 10 years ago so I can’t remember the price, but I was a student so it couldn’t have been too dear. And it was SO GOOD

  33. MCL*

    Favorite vegetarian freezer meal resource? I have a friend with an infant who is experiencing a family emergency and could use some single serving meals that can easily be reheated. I’d like to make her something beyond soup/chili. She is vegetarian. I don’t really do make ahead cooking in my own life, so tips are helpful. Like, especially helpful would be resources with explicit instructions for how to freeze and heat, and recommendations for storage while frozen.

    2. ElspethGC*

      Pasta bakes can be portioned and frozen pretty easily. Sometimes the pasta goes a bit soggy, but it’s still tasty – I eat them as frozen leftovers pretty regularly. Lentil curries are also a good option. Very filling and full of good stuff, and fairly quick and easy for you to make as well. Toss some naans into the care pack (they can also be frozen and cooked from frozen) to go with the curries. A lot of recipes I’ve seen for lentil curry talk about adding rice, but we just eat them with naans and they work fine.

      I’m afraid I don’t have any specific recipes to link to – I tend to wing my own cooking with whatever I have in the house, but I know that the pasta bakes we freeze as leftovers are just cooked how you’d normally cook it to eat that night, then the leftovers put in some tupperware once we’ve finished eating and chucked in the freezer until we next want it.

    3. Glomarization, Esq.*

      If you don’t mind, or your friend won’t mind, commercial frozen dinners, there’s a line of vegetarian frozen entrees called Amy’s. They’re available in normal supermarkets (meaning, you don’t have to find a specialty organic shop for them).

      2. MCL*

        Thanks! Amy’s is pretty common here. I want to include some homemade stuff as well. I’m just not exactly sure how to store said homemade stuff. Do I wrap single servings in foil before freezing or something? I don’t want to show up with a whole pan that I’ll have to coordinate the return of…

        2. ElspethGC*

          When I batch-cook (I’m cooking for one; sometimes I do a big batch and freeze then reheat each serving as needed) this is what I do.

          Let’s say I’m cooking a big batch of pasta sauce with veggies. Cook as normal, ladle servings into takeaway containers (like those plastic containers you get with Thai or Chinese) or storebought containers (search for “disposable freezer containers”, your friend probably doesn’t want to do washing up). Leave lids off servings for half an hour or so for them to cool down. Put lids on, put in freezer. Sorted. That’s literally all it takes. Make food, put serving-sized portions of food in containers, put containers in freezer.

          When it’s time to eat them, take them out of the freezer, take the lids off, put the container in the microwave on the defrost setting, blast it for five minutes at a time with stirring in between until it’s melted, then usually stick it in the microwave for a few minutes on medium-high heat just to heat it through. Again, nothing complicated.

        3. Sam I Am*

          I made mini lasagnas and stuffed shells in disposable loaf pans. I used the next-to smallest ones at my store, they fit one lasagna noodle at the bottom of each pan perfectly. A little sturdier than foil, a lot easier to find room in the freezer than a large pan.

      1. Max Kitty*

        For the burritos, you can wrap in freezer paper or foil and then put them in a gallon plastic bag.
        For the casserole and the waffles, I just use the square Ziploc plastic containers.

  34. Bad Janet*

    Those of you who have done Toastmasters – what is your experience? how has it helped you? what’s a meeting like?

    I’m trying to gauge whether it’s a good fit for my needs. It seems to be geared toward public speaking which, funnily enough, I’m OK with. Public speaking doesn’t freak me out. My problems lie in 1-on-1 networking type speaking. I’ve seen raves about TM (online, don’t know anyone personally) that indicate the org helped the person in this way also, but their website seems pretty pretty focused on public speaking.

    Flipside, since I generally view public speaking as “prepared” speaking (hence, why it doesn’t bother me – I’m good at preparing!), I view 1-on-1 as more “improv” which is where I completely freeze. So, I’m looking at the local improv classes (and have a few friends who have done these to great success). Anyone here that can speak to that side of the equation?

    1. carrie heffernan*

      So I have done it and it has been a while, but every meeting had a section called Table Topics – someone comes up with a topic or theme and then calls on people and you have to stand up and speak for a minute – so it is very much on the fly and learning to be comfortable even if you are not familiar with the topic (faking it, etc) – I think this might help with 1:1 networking.

      1. tangerineRose*

        I was in Toastmasters for a while, and Table Topics gave me great practice for speaking on my feet, which was really helpful for a job interview.

        Different groups are different, so if you don’t click with a group, you might want to try another.

    2. Ainomiaka*

      I did a couple of Toastmasters groups. I am basically the same as you-giving a speech to a group is not my issue, particularly if I prepare. Even less so if they are strangers, actually. I don’t think it did a lot for one on one “improv” networking stuff at all. But I wasn’t coming from a place of total fear. I’d love to know if you think the classes help.

    3. Mimmy*

      I’ve thought of doing TM myself. I too am fine with prepared speaking (my main experience is with case conferences) but could definitely use some work with “on your feet” speaking – that’s where I sometimes freeze. I’d love to be able to have intelligent conversation with family, friends and networking contacts. I’m getting better, but there’s plenty of room for improvement.

      I’ll definitely be following this thread!

    4. Lissa*

      Oh this is relevant to my interests! I also have no problem public speaking, but am really bad at 1 on 1 stuff with people I don’t know well. I feel like I always always come off as awkward, and unfortunately have had enough feedback to know it’s not all in my head.

    5. Ann O.*

      I’ve known people whose lives were changed by improv, but in the sense that they fell in love with it, joined improv groups, and performed regularly. I wouldn’t say any of the people I know changed in terms of social conversation.

      Personally, I’ve tried improv a couple of times and do not love it. All it did was show me that my “yes, and” natural instincts are offbeat rather than funny.

    6. Kuododi*

      I haven’t done TM myself but my dear Dad participated back when the Earth’s crust was still cooling. He would be the first to admit if it weren’t for TM and Dale Carnegie he would probably still be squirrelled away in his engineering work room fixing and designing things. The only time he would have talked to anyone at work was the absolute necessary to maintain employment….presentations would have been impossible!!! Now he’s retired after a 30+ yr career in the industry and is very active in the community as a volunteer. He’s still introverted and needs alone time however communication both one-on-one or groups no longer puts him in a near panic.

    7. Just Sgt Pepper, Not the Band*

      Long-time Toastmaster here. I joined for similar reasons – prepared speeches didn’t bother me, but improvisational speaking did (and still does! but I’m better at composing my thoughts on the fly now).

      tl;dr – It’s helpful, but go in with specific goals you want to accomplish, and pick a club/environment that supports those goals.

      What’s a meeting like: Typically, clubs will have Table Topics (one person asks questions and the other members have to answer with no prep time); then a speaking program (1-2 or more speakers giving a prepared speech of 5-7 minutes); then evaluations (by other club members); then awards (best speaker, most improved, best table topics, best evaluator). Clubs may have a business meeting as well (to practice running a formal meeting that uses Robert’s Rules of Order – like the way a board meeting might run).

      Big thing here is that clubs are **highly** variable in their approach and culture. For example, my work club doesn’t have a formal business meeting, typically has 1-2 speakers each meeting, and they stick to a timed agenda and run 50 – 55 minutes. My home club has a 30 minute business meeting, spends 30 minutes on Table Topics, has 3-4 speakers each week, agenda timing is looser, and the meeting runs 2.5 hours – but most of our members have been in Toastmasters 10+ years and prefer a more flexible approach. My work club would never ask about things political or current events; my home club does it all the time and we get into debates. So finding the right fit is key and not every club culture will work for you personally. Many clubs have websites that will give you a glimpse into their personality, and I have yet to run across a club that isn’t looking for more members, so stopping by to listen in is always a good bet.

      Table Topics was the most helpful for me – you get asked a question or given a topic and have to speak to it, immediately, for 1-2 minutes. It helped me practice how to stop, think, and then respond and work around what I didn’t have answers for. I also found evaluating speeches helpful, because I had to listen, digest, and then meaningfully present on what I’d heard pretty quickly.

      But have your own agenda. For example, my home club is large enough that you only really speak once per Table Topics session, so I compose answers in my head even when I don’t have to speak for additional practice. Our long business meetings give me another opportunity to speak on my feet. For a while, I deliberately underprepared for speeches to give me more practice in ad hoc speaking (i.e, I would have a topic and generally know what points I wanted to hit, but I wouldn’t write out the full text of my speech or practice – not the end of the world in my home club but probably a no-no for the work club). Many clubs are big on “the manual” – i.e., the education program promoted by Toastmasters. That wasn’t my thing, so I found a club that really doesn’t care about the official program, and it works for me.

      Speaking of… there are definitely Toastmasters out there who are… how to say it… Extremely Into Promoting The Program. Toastmasters is a useful tool, but it’s just one of many options, and sometimes the folks can be a little die-hard for my taste. But overall, it’s been a good experience, and I’m getting what I want out of the system.

    8. librarygal30*

      With the new Pathways program, you will be able to do different projects than the old program. Table Topics are a great way to learn to think on your feet. I’m getting back into it after a break, and the being able to gather your thoughts quickly on a surprise topic is always a great skill to have!

  35. My MIL is writing a book*

    I know there are a fair amount of writers here so I’m curious to get your takes on this.

    This is going to be long so TL;DR:
    My MIL is writing a biography and it kind of sucks on a few levels. My husband and I would like tips on how to respond to her requests for feedback.

    My MIL plans to publish a biography detailing her experiences growing up on a farm, going to (and dropping out) of medical school, getting into the tech industry, making intercontinental moves every two years (and her experiences dealing with bigotry as a liberal atheist in the Deep South of the US), and clawing her way up through the ranks of a male-dominated industry to get where she is now (an executive at a multinational tech firm).

    Sounds pretty interesting, right? Well, she sent the first draft to my husband (out of the blue; he had no idea that she was writing one) and…

    …The book is pretty bad! For one thing, it’s boring. It reads like this: “I went to school but dropped out when I met (FIL). We got married and had (her son/my Husband). We moved to the US. I didn’t like it. After 2 years we moved to the UK. Then I got a new job in the US so we moved back.” Etc. Etc. She treats incidents where she dealt with extreme harassment and sexism with the same level of detail as a recounting of how FIL had to repaint a room in a house they bought. It’s just a dry retelling of statements of fact with no reflection.

    There are also times in the book where she specifically “names and shames” people she has worked with, who are very much still alive and active in the industry, and didn’t commit any actual misdeeds beyond personality clashes. Seems like a career-limiting move at the very least, especially since she still plans to work in the industry for at least the next decade. She also drops in random sentences about people that don’t go anywhere or otherwise contribute to the story. For example, she plops in one sentence in the book about how my husband’s college roommate has PTSD from his militar service. She never mentions the roommate again and it’s a jarring little detour from an otherwise mundane retelling of how they moved my husband into a new apartment. (Husband is still good friends with the roommate, who is a very private person and surely wouldn’t appreciate knowing that he’s mentioned by name in this way.)

    Last but not least the book spends a not-insignificant amount of time going into detail about how my husband is a brat who “guilt-tripped his unconditionally loving parents” into making choices that made them unhappy. To me it seems pretty obvious that moving between continents every 2 years is bound to be pretty upsetting and hard on a kid. But there’s no such introspection on her account – of course none of it is in any way the parents’ fault and it’s just that my husband is a selfish asshole who hated seeing his parents happy.

    She sent the draft manuscript last week and has been excitedly texting my husband for his “editing feedback”. We’re not entirely sure what to say. From a literary standpoint the book is boring and is probably asking for defamation lawsuits. From a personal standpoint, my husband is extremely hurt by his portrayal. I’m big mad on his behalf because my husband is the most kind, gentle and unselfish soul I’ve ever met and it took years to undo the guilt he felt about “holding his parents back”. He hasn’t responded to her yet. I don’t know what to do or say because I honestly just want to go off on my MIL but that’s not constructive or helpful. Thoughts/advice from the commentariat?

    1. Glomarization, Esq.*

      Wow, how to say “I’m not going to be an unconsented-to beta reader for your book where you badmouth me”!

      If it were me, I think I’d respond with something along the lines of, “That’s some book you’ve written. I’m no editor, so I’m not going to get into giving you editing feedback, but I hope you find an editor and agent soon. Truly, I wish you the best of luck.”

      1. My MIL is writing a book*

        You summed it up so well!

        Unfortunately one of the main reasons she sent it to my husband is specifically because he has a related degree and has editing experience (though admittedly not of the biography/long-form type).

        1. Glomarization, Esq.*

          “Don’t have time with my work commitments to give your book anywhere near full, professional attention. And even if I did, this kind of editing is outside my wheelhouse.”

        2. Traffic_Spiral*

          He can say that he’s too close to be objective about it – since obviously the experiences in the book touch on him, and point her to some online literary/editing communities.

    2. WellRed*

      Her story sounds so interesting! But! Not everyone with a story to tell is capable of doing so and alas, she’s one of them. Setting aside your husband’s hurt for now, what happens if you tell her it’s…not very interesting? That it needs details? “Mom, you are so full of life, but it’s not coming through on the page.” Cruel, I suppose, but she doesn’t sound overly sensitive to begin with.

      1. WellRed*

        Also, I assume she’s planning to self publish. If not, the book isn’t going anywhere with an agent or publisher.

        1. My MIL is writing a book*

          That is far less cruel than what I was going to come back with!

          Yeah, I can’t see this going anywhere with an agent, though I’m sure she’s going to try to shop it around. Ultimately she’s likely going to self-publish.

          1. tangerineRose*

            I think I’d start with how naming names could hurt her career and hurt others. Mention that your husband was hurt by what she wrote about him and that many kids don’t like moving so often.

            For the rest, it sounds like she needs an editor and maybe a ghostwriter or someone who can get her to talk about the stuff that should be interesting – details would help.

            1. Not So NewReader*

              I would tell her she should have an attorney review it and let her know if there are any legal complications with what she has said about people.

    3. Bad Janet*

      OMG. The most professional route I can think of is to try to redirect her to a professional editor who does this stuff for a living. But the impression I’m getting from your question is that she’s the type of woman who 1: feels she doesn’t need a professional editor (esp since you don’t mention heinous grammar – so many people just think editing is proofreading and it’s so much more than that) and 2: after shopping the manuscript around to no success will self-publish. (Or, worst-case scenario, a bad-actor publisher sees her status and the flaming hot mess and decides to publish and ride the publicity). Maybe the easiest deflection for your husband is “since I’m mentioned in the story/ too close to the story, I’m not qualified to give you fair/unbiased feedback. If publication of this manuscript is a serious pursuit of yours, I recommend finding a qualified editor for a fresh eye toward your story.” There’s a good argument to be made toward being too close/ unbiased / unqualified to provide useful feedback.

      How to recommend an editor: have her pick her 5-10-15 [however many] favorite autobiographies: contact the editor(s) listed in those books. (bonus points if she’s not read enough autobiographies to even manage this)

      1. Nita*

        Seconding that! I’d say that I don’t think I can give unbiased feedback, and it’s best if she works with an editor who can give a fresh perspective. And/or claim lack of time. Possibly give a quick suggestion about which parts of the story need more fleshing out, and which ones could be left out to focus on the good parts. And yeah, probably would suggest either leaving out names, or giving a lot of thought to how she’ll work with these people after.

      2. My MIL is writing a book*

        I like this tack, thank you! We’re really at a loss on how to respond without airing too much hurt, while still giving her some next steps that will lead away from us.

      3. My MIL is writing a book*

        Also, yes, the grammar is heinous. There are smiley faces in the text. Smiley faces. :) :) :)

    4. Laura H.*

      This isn’t helpful but I’d be so tempted to feed it to the shredder and send it back to her…

      But alas. That’s a fantasy.

      The industry tangents are concerning… it’s- pardon the pun- it’s kindling inviting a blaze of disaster to hit….

    5. fposte*

      I don’t think anybody is ever going to see this book, so I wouldn’t worry that much about the defamation part. No publisher is going to pick it up, and nobody’s going to pay any attention to it if she self-publishes.
      Just think of it as a really long blog post from somebody who isn’t ever going to figure out that it’s set to private.

      Options vary, depending on the relationships involved. A cheerful “I’ll read the parts where you say how great a son I am, Mom–let me know what pages they’re on!” A truth-tinged turndown of “Mom, these are times I don’t always want to think about, so I’m going to pass on using my free time to relive them.” An evasion of “Oh, I’ve got so much piled up that I won’t be able to get to it for a while, Mom, and I’m sure it’s fine.” A straight out truth of “Mom, I have some real problems with this project, and while I’m not going to stop you, I’m not going to spend time on it.” I’d choose based on whether I thought getting into the issues behind this would be fruitful or not.

    6. Operational Chaos*

      Has her husband read this book and know what she’s including in her autobiography? Especially the family portrayals and how meanspirited they are? Your FIL might be the better choice to deliver this bad news to her since he’s going to have to deal with the bulk of the consequences- especially the damage to her career she’s about to do.

      1. My MIL is writing a book*

        Yes! Her husband has been encouraging her to do this for years so I’m sure he’s had a pretty heavy hand in how it’s taken shape. Unfortunately that probably also means he’s aware of how his son is portrayed and didn’t have an issue with it.

    7. Sherm*

      Wow. I’d be so tempted to say “Mom, this book, frankly, is boring, choppy, and jarring in its emotional detachment. You’re asking for trouble by naming and shaming people you’ve had mere personality conflicts with. And most troubling for me, Mom, is your apparent need to tell the world that I’m a bratty son who caused you and Dad plenty of unhappiness.”

      I suspect, however, that it would be best for your husband to just remove himself from this as cleanly and quickly as possible. “I’m afraid I don’t have the time. I suggest a professional editor.” Will she think he’s selfish? She already does. And I bet her opinion wouldn’t change even if he edited and polished the whole thing.

    8. I edit books for a living*

      Hey, DIL. I edit books for a living, fiction and nonfiction. You’ve gotten some excellent advice from these awesome posters. I am happy to answer any questions I can about memoir-writing.

      It does sound like she has a cool story. I’ve seen people with less interesting stories write memoirs. What it sounds like she really needs is a ghostwriter. Because an editor is not going to turn someone into a riveting writer. All we can do is advise on prose, pace, character development, etc., and only if we’re hired to do that. There are different levels of editing, and we’re not going to spend our time on this type of review if we were hired for a copyedit (mechanical edits, like punctuation, consistency, etc.) In fact, you’re really not supposed to do more than one type of edit at a time. The rest is up to the author. Any more than that, we need to get paid as ghostwriters. And it’s a whole different skillset that not every every writer or editor has.

      As for the diciness of the names. It’s easier to use real names at this stage, then change them later. Trust me, you might think you’ll remember who’s Jennifer and who’s Joyce, but mixing them up could be pretty disastrous. Even if she does change names, I am a fan of hiring a lawyer. It can’t hurt.

      It’s pretty rich of your MIL to bad-mouth your husband, then turn around and ask him to edit her book. Gag. I agree with the posters above; he’s too close to give it a neutral read. I mean, this is not a dodge, it’s the truth!

    9. StellaBella*

      Agree with the advice and the comments here – all very well thought out. I think tho that you are correct in weighing the damage this will/has caused to the people in it she’s named. I think she needs to have a ‘come to jesus’ meeting about this. It is poorly written, and mean-spirited. Also – one cannot give ‘editing feedback’ on a rough draft, with no clear organisational structure or ‘story’. It cannot be an autobiography if it is just a recounting of a series of things she did/places she went/people she met – some of whom she reveals painful information about – there is no story there…this is just a ranting of a diary of honestly, a person whose stuck in their teens it sounds like.

      My advice? Your husband should say no, he has no time for this, and be honest – he does not appreciate the ‘outing’ of his friend, the naming and shaming of people she works/worked with, and that the whole thing is a terrible idea – and she should read a few autobiography/memoirs that are well written first, and think about why she wants to speak poorly of people if this is *her* story. I’d be tempted to redline it to hell and flag things in yellow that are just horrible things to say about outers, etc etc but …. I am not the DIL or the son here, so …. :/ I am so sorry. She also sounds a tad narcissistic TBH.

    10. LilySparrow*

      Turning your thoughts – much less your life – into an enjoyable book requires a level of detachment and perspective that is hard-won and does not happen in anyone’s first draft of anything.

      Your husband is in no position to exercise that detachment, either. That’s where I’d come from.

      “Mom, I’m way too close to this story to look at it with professional eyes. And in fact the things you said about me are pretty hurtful. If you want to talk about our relationship, I’m happy to do that. But I’m not the person to edit this manuscript.”

    11. Ann O.*

      What it really sounds like is your husband and MIL need some family therapy to address some deep hurts in the family unit! But that’s not likely to be productive feedback.

      If I were in his shoes, I would recommend shopping the manuscript to a full service vanity press. I don’t know of any by name, but I used to work for one. We had in-house editors. Authors paid a fee for various packages of services (that could include ghostwriting). The one I worked for actually had to accept the manuscript, but I think that was atypical. As I understand, it’s generally pay money for the level of service you want. At the very least, you get an eval of the manuscript. I’m not sure about this, but I think a full service press would also advise on the legal issues of naming.

      If you know for sure that she has no ego invested in her writing skills, he could advise that she hires a ghostwriter to help her. It does sound like she has a genuinely compelling story in her life! But if you don’t know 100% about that, I would keep things vaguer. Other people have given the good suggestion of your husband using his closeness to the story as a polite way to wiggle out.

      I do think if nothing else, that’s a question your husband should raise with his MIL. This is a draft, so it’s not unreasonable for her to use real names here. But if she self-publishes, she needs to obscure identifying details for her own protection. Of course at the end of the day, all you can do is advise.

        1. DragoCucina*

          Sorry my iPad refreshed and posted.

          She will probably flog her book. In the past year I have been invited to 3 BIG parties for self-published books. One person had bagpipers, food, and sold about 300 books. Another it was people in period costumes, champagne, and sold about 100. In OP’s husband’s case that’s more people than need to know his family business.

          Unless his mother loses interest the best thing the husband can do is distance himself.

    12. Elizabeth West*

      Eeep. I’m cringing at the naming and shaming. I agree with I edit books for a living; she’s gonna need a lawyer.

      About the writing itself—first drafts will suck, whether you’re a complete newbie or Stephen King (though King’s drafts probably suck a lot less than say, mine, because he’s had so much practice.) But a lot of folks don’t realize that a memoir, though technically non-fiction, needs to be written with engaging language and an eye toward storytelling.

      If this were my mother, I’d point her toward some books on writing memoir and some really good, well-written ones to read as examples and leave it at that. There is no way I’d edit for someone like this, especially if they dissed me IN the book, mother or not!

    13. LGC*

      Tell your husband to get you and a friend together so you can make a podcast out of it and clown the manuscript. You wouldn’t be the first. You could even call it, “My Mom Wrote A Tell-All.”

      (Tangentially related: The last Porno Day of 2018 (and possibly, ever) is in about 7 hours and who else is excited as hell about it?!)

      But yeah, your mom probably needs outside assistance if she wants to actually have it reviewed. But your MIL comes across as lacking in introspection, at the very least – she gave the manuscript to her son, not thinking that…hey, he’s actually a major player in this story so it’d be difficult for him to review this objectively. (And then there’s the entire character assassination of her bratty son who didn’t just go along with his globe-trotting parents when he was a kid, presumably because he as an 8-year-old couldn’t appreciate that his mom was a Great Woman who did Great Things.) Whether it’s an editor or a ghost writer (honestly, I’d suggest the latter), she probably shouldn’t publish it like that.

      I’d suggest your husband frames it as…he can’t edit it because he plays such a large role in the book (which is true if she spends a substantial amount of time assassinating his character in the book). I don’t know if I’d provide any criticism because it sounds like your MIL is possibly infested by evil bees not going to take it in.

  36. PenPal*

    I’ve been trying to find an e-mail penpal on the penpal subreddit. I messaged a guy recently who sounded super fun and friendly, and we exchanged one message. Then I told him I wouldn’t be able to respond for a couple to several days because some serious, stressful stuff had come up in my life, and I needed some time to calm down before being able to concentrate on writing again.

    He said it I sounded like I needed someone to talk to and did I want to talk about it on instant messenger? I said no, thanks, not comfortable unloading that kind of emotional burden on a stranger. He said it was no burden at all and he hoped it didn’t feel like he was pressuring me, he was just very concerned and wanted to help. Nope, not pressured, thank you. Then he wanted to know if I was suicidal. No, not suicidal. He’s very relieved! Etc.

    Thought it was kind of odd that a stranger would act so concerned. (If I got a message saying someone I just “met” couldn’t write for a few days, I would have just thanked them for letting me know and said I was fine with waiting for them to sort things out.) I’m not sure if it’s a sign that he’s going to be one of those guys that get inappropriate or weird a few messages in as has happened to me in the past. Am I over reacting?

    1. Forking great username*

      I think you are. You could have just said you were having a hectic couple of days – the fact that you opened up the subject of you having serious stressful stuff and an “emotional burden” going on…his response just sounds like him being a decent human being.

      1. PenPal*

        I should have worded it better than saying “serious, stressful stuff” (probably could have just said “some stuff” came up). I couldn’t really think straight at the time and wanted to make sure he knew I wasn’t ghosting him.

        I think it’s inappropriate to shove any sort of “emotional burden” on a stranger you just met. Like, if you go on a first date and the other person spends two hours venting about their landlord being a jerk, how they just got unfairly fired from their job, and their best friend is spreading lies about them, etc. that’s not good. I feel like there’s a term for it but I can’t think of it.

      1. PenPal*

        I agree. I realize I shared too much now. I think “a tad pushy” is a good way to view this. I specifically said I couldn’t talk, so it was a little pushy to then send a bunch of messages with questions that I might feel obligated to respond to.

    3. Anon Anon Anon*

      Yeah, giving that kind of a reason that early on probably sent some kind of signal. But you didn’t do anything wrong, or even unusual. Most people don’t use the best judgment when they’re upset.

      I think asking if you were suicidal is a little creepy, especially coming after you said you didn’t want to talk. I would proceed with caution.

      1. PenPal*

        He said he was asking about suicide because he’d found out one of his high school classmates committed suicide several years ago. But I didn’t give any indication that I was suicidal (I didn’t say I was hopeless or wanting to die or anything). I thought it was odd he would jump to that conclusion based on me being too stressed out to write to him.

    4. The Other Dawn*

      I’d say you shared a little too much, which is why he acted the way he did. That said, I don’t think you’re overreacting at all. If someone acted like this with me, I’d find it very suffocating and I’d be backing off a lot. But that’s how I am in general.

      1. PenPal*

        Yeah, it kind of felt like being smothered with concern and required a bunch of energy to keep responding to questions. I would have appreciated a “If you need to vent or anything, let me know” more.

  37. Marguerite*

    I have a group of friends that I see and they sometimes bring other friends. There is one guy, “Ian”, who is sometimes very funny, but can be rather touchy. Ian likes to joke around, but has trouble taking a joke and then gets defensive. The last time we met, our friend joked to Ian that he never says “good night.” So now every time we end the evening, Ian has to make it a point to say “Good night” and add, “See, Anneliese? I said, “Good night!” Every time! It’s rather awkward. Luckily she just laughs and plays it off, but why does he hang on to things like that?

    He also does it with other people, but it is draining because we all just want to have a fun and light hearted time. Does anyone know someone who does this? What is it with the person who does this?

    1. Forking great username*

      …honestly, I don’t really get what the issue is here. Someone pointed out that he never says goodnight. Which kind of seems like a weird thing to point out? You said she was joking, but it doesn’t sound like a joke. It sounds like her correcting him over something that doesn’t matter. So now he pointedly makes sure to say good night. And somehow that’s the problem/not getting the joke?

      Confused. Maybe it would make sense to me if I’d been there, but just from reading about it, it sure doesn’t sound like Ian is the only one who was being awkward or overthinking things. It sounds like you just don’t like Ian and are being annoyed by whatever he says.

    2. GhostWriter*

      I think if he just made it a point to go out of his way to always say good night to Anneliese, it might be like a cute inside joke thing, but I think saying good night and then pointing out to Anneliese that he said good night (and doing so repeatedly) does make it feel more passive aggressive.

      If Anneliese laughs and plays it off, it doesn’t seem like it’s a big deal to her. If it’s bothering you, could you tell him you’re getting tired of the joke and ask him to let it go?

    3. anon today and tomorrow*

      Well, your friend was awkward for pointing out that he never said “good night”, which is kind of a weird thing someone only brings up if they’re really bothered by it.

    4. Snoring Pup*

      I definitely have a friend who likes to joke at other’s expense but doesn’t like it about herself! Most recently, she keeps teasing me because I have the first birthday of the year in our friend group, and therefore am the “oldest” (hers is around this time of year so she’s the “youngest” of our group). She keeps joking that I’m the old lady of our group and whatnot. I’ve been getting real sick of talking birthdays with her because she constantly points it out.

      Next year is a milestone birthday for our group. So the last time she made the old comment, I said “Yeah but I get the first big party of the year so celebrate the milestone while you gotta wait til so late in year”. She did not like that I joked about that and got really huffy. But at least she’s stopped making the old comments since then.

    5. C Baker*

      Does Anneliese mind that he does this? Do the other people mind? Surely, if they have a problem with how he speaks to them, they need to bring it up to him themselves.

    6. Lissa*

      I think sometimes people don’t realize they are doing something every single time, and that it gets sort of irritating. It sounds like everyone has a fairly jokey relationship, which does mean that occasionally someone will take something badly, but I disagree with the people above who think Anneliese is the one in the wrong – she made a joke that didn’t work out, *once*. time for Ian to let it go.

      I have a friend who I once mentioned to that I don’t feel emotionally connected to celebrity deaths, and he took it weirdly badly. Now anytime there’s a death he’s affected by, he’ll make some comment like “But I know Lissa doesn’t give a F so…” One day I am seriously just going to be rude to him like “yup, you’re right, I’m not affected by the death of a 90 year old I never met! I’m a monster!”

      1. Marguerite*

        That’s it! Ian can joke about everyone else, but if someone makes a joke towards him, he gets defensive.

    7. ainomiaka*

      Without being there to hear tone, this reads to me as the original joke came across more hurtful than Anneliese intended and he is being a little passive aggressive, but trying to do what she wanted. Also that he can tell that there is some hostility towards him.
      Best advice I can come up with is be accepting and inviting for a while and then maybe say it isn’t necessary.

    8. Kuododi*

      My mother tends to fixate on what you or I would see as trivial stuff in dealing with interpersonal issues. However I have mentioned before that she’s in the mid stages of dementia following traumatic brain injury. Bottom line is that this is one of the many “quirky” things we are learning to breathe and accept about the new version of Mom. Best wishes.

  38. Bacon Pancakes*

    The Camp Fire in Northern California has been raging for nine days.
    Nine days and 71 lives lost.
    Nine days and 1,110 people still missing.
    Nine days and 9,700 homes destroyed.
    Nine days and 50% containment at 146,000 acres.
    Nine days and the worst air quality on earth.

    1. Competent Commenter*

      Yes.

      I’m 70 miles away and our air quality hit 328. Feels like the end of the world here and we are fortunate to not be otherwise personally affected. My God what those people in Paradise are going through. :(

    2. Mimmy*

      I’m amazed at how much the number of people missing keeps jumping up day by day. What accounts for that?

      The Camp fire is so heartbreaking – here’s hoping that conditions begin to improve soon. Please stay safe.

      1. MattKnifeNinja*

        There was one place that was mostly seniors. It was in Paradise, CA.

        Many seniors don’t have cell phones.

        Many seniors don’t have immediate family that checks on them.

        Many seniors have neighbors, but who knows when those neighbors left, and didn’t have time to say where they are going.

        Seniors went to one shelter, then wound up at another.

        If the trailer park was burned up, who knows where anyone is? Land lines and contact information is gone. People who were too sick, cognitively impaired, too stubborn might have perished in the inferno. If you don’t keep contact with someone, no one can report you missing.

        I think the increase of numbers, is people finally are able to figure out, “We haven’t heard from Roger down the street.” Figuring out, oh Aunt Sue moved to Paradise and we haven’t heard from her.

        When people don’t have routine contact with others, it’s hard to piece meal where they’ve been/are located.

      2. Undine*

        At this point, they’re publishing all names they have, which may include duplicates, names which were misspelled when taken down, names of people who have already been located. I guess they are casting as wide as net as possible so as not to miss anyone.

        1. Anon Anon Anon*

          I’ve been wondering about the undocumented immigrants and anyone else who would have been keeping a low profile (people with warrants, runaway youth, etc). Would anyone report those people as missing? Would people even know what their legal names are? Regardless of what you think about those groups of people, they have families and friends who would be left wondering.

    4. tangerineRose*

      I have friends who live in that area. It’s heartbreaking.

      I’m trying to think about the rescues, the kindness that people are showing to each other, the people who are reunited with their pets.

    5. Woodswoman*

      Those I know who were affected directly by the Camp Fire were lucky to get out with their lives and their pets. So many lives lost and lives turned upside down. The last estimate I heard was that 90% of Paradise was destroyed. So people are not only looking at losing their homes, but also their whole community–jobs, schools, neighbors. It’s heartbreaking.

      The air in the Bay Area is heinous. Even with my air purifiers which typically do the trick, this level of smoke is aggravating my asthma. It’s California’s worst air quality in recorded history. I’m staying indoors, using my inhalers, taking antihistamines and the lung herbs my acupuncturist gave me, and I still feel just barely ahead of a breathing episode. One of my neighbors has had pneumonia and with the intensity of the smoke yesterday, she passed out and went to the hospital in an ambulance (better now and back home fortunately).

      We really, really need rain.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        ARRRRRGHH
        I wish I could send ours to you. We’re supposed to get rain tomorrow. I also wish I were closer because people could come stay with me.

        Ima kick some climate deniers in the booty.

      2. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

        I think you recommended the “L” Hepa filter purifier last week? I ordered it from Amazon finally, and awoke – at last – with being able to breathe through my nose. Thank you!

    6. Ann O.*

      I’m in the Bay Area, choking on our horrible air and I still can’t really conceptualize the magnitude of the suffering and disaster.

      1. Anon Anon Anon*

        Me too. I’ve lived there at various times for a total of about 10 years. I couldn’t stand to see some unsavory politicians in the news coverage today. Still trying to come to terms with it all.

  39. Anon here again*

    Can anyone recommend any good shows to watch on Netflix? Just finished watching the new Sabrina series, but don’t know what to watch next.

    1. Rebecca*

      I admit getting a kick out of Norsemen, which I thought was a documentary until about 30 seconds into it! Started watching Lilyhammer again, now with subtitles…admitting here in a safe place that I had no idea about subtitles and watched the first 2 episodes without them, thinking, this seems to be a good show, but would be better if I understood what was being said. Um, yeah. Also watching Broadchurch and Monty Python’s Flying Circus.

      2. Asenath*

        Norsemen is hysterically funny – a bit raw in places, but still I loved it. One of my sisters put me on to it – her husband, an artist, loves it too – especially Rufus.

      3. Earthwalker*

        I read that every scene in Norsemen was filmed twice, once with actors speaking Norse and once English.

      1. Lily Evans*

        Those shows are both so good! I still can’t understand how Sense8 flew under the radar for so many people, it was one of the best put together shows I’ve ever seen.

      2. merp*

        (Two days later but) omg I get so excited when I see other people recommend Sense8. I love it so much! I wish more people other than us had loved it (partly so that we could had a less rushed ending and partly so I had more people in my life to gush about it with, haha).

    4. Anon here again*

      I was watching “Shetland”, but I just can’t get into it. The scenery is beautiful though…

    5. Anonymous Educator*

      Black Mirror (Intense)
      Glow (Dramedy)
      The Great British Baking Show (Food Fun)
      Kim’s Convenience (Funny)
      Marvel’s Luke Cage (Drama—watch season 1 only)
      Rita (Dramedy)
      Salt Fat Acid Heat (Food Fun)
      Somebody Feed Phil (Food Fun)

          1. Lily Evans*

            I’ve only watched a few episodes that were recommended to me, they were Nosedive, San Junipero, and Hang the DJ and they were all really good! I just haven’t gotten around to watching the whole series yet.

          2. Anonymous Educator*

            I’d recommend these (especially the ones in bold if you’re put off by super disturbing ones):
            “Be Right Back”
            “San Junipero”
            “The Entire History of You”
            “Nosedive”
            “USS Callister”
            “The Waldo Moment”
            “Hang the DJ”
            “Fifteen Million Merits”
            “Arkangel”
            “White Christmas”
            “Crocodile”
            “Black Museum”
            “White Bear”

            1. Kuododi*

              Oooh…. I haven’t seen lots of the Black Mirror series. However I specifically started watching bc of the ArkAngel episode. (Intense, mind bending, thought provoking) I had read a brief description on one of the entertainment websites and was intrigued. Definitely not one to watch if you are looking for something while you kick back and turn your brain off for a bit. ;). Don’t want to say more….(“Spoilers sweetie!”)

    6. ThatGirl*

      The Haunting of Hill House
      American Vandal (juvenile topic but a great sendup of things like Making a Murderer)
      Nailed It!
      Queer Eye

      1. Lily Evans*

        I’ve been so obsessed with The Haunting of Hill House for the past couple weeks. It so exceeded my expectations for a show that was marketed as horror.

  40. The Other Dawn*

    Ideas for freezer meals? Something other than chili.

    I’m struggling mightily with eating right, as is my husband. We’re both so far off track–he gained back 20 pounds he’d lost when he found out he’s diabetic, and I haven’t lost the 15 or so I gained last year. He’s on second shift now, which means we’re both left to our own devices to feed ourselves and it’s…not going well. My workouts are on point, though, which keeps me from gaining.

    I need to get some freezer meal cooking sessions going and I just don’t know what I want to do. I find that plain old chicken breasts are so boring. When I see them cooked and packed up for meals, they look yummy. But when I bring a meal to work and I know that a chicken breast is waiting for me in the cafeteria fridge, I have to urge to either not eat it and just snack (also a bad habit now), or buy something from the cold case.

    I’m not feeling inspired at all. While I would eat most types of cuisine (Indian, Japanese, etc.), as well as things like riced cauliflower, my husband won’t. He’s fairly plan vanilla.

    I’m also not feeling motivated and pretty much feel like a big lump of blah. The chronic back pain contributes to that feeling, even though moving around is what helps me. And not eating well makes me sluggish. Then I get down on myself for not doing better: “I can work out five days a week, but why can’t I manage to eat right?!” It’s a vicious cycle.

    1. Middle School Teacher*

      Soups? There’s a good recipe for golden borscht that freezes well, and budget bytes has a good coconut lentil soup that also freezes well.

    2. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      I made a good “taco lasagne” recently. Ground turkey plus taco seasoning plus peppers/onions, can of beans if you want, salsa or chopped tomato, topped with mashed sweet potato. Finish w cheese or sour cream optional. Pretty complete meal and fairly healthy.

    3. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      I know you said no soups, but it might be worth trying stew instead. My husband generally eschews soups too, but a hearty beef stew chock full of vegetables and barley can be pretty satisfying. Especially with some dense bread or a grilled cheese for dipping.
      As for non-soup/stew suggestions: baked pasta dishes like lasagna, ziti, and tuna casserole freeze well. You can use whole wheat pastas and add lots of vegetables to make them healthier. I’ve also had success freezing cottage/shepherd’s pie. Legume + rice combos are good too and you can change up the flavor profile to keep it from getting old. Cajun red beans, Cuban black beans, black eyed peas cooked with a ham hock and lots of peppers, etc.
      Barbecued pulled pork/onions/peppers/jackfruit freezes well. It’s not a completely ready-to-go meal, but it’s easy to put together a sandwich while you nuke one of those steam in the bag veggies medleys. Same goes for sloppy joe filling, and you can replace a portion of the meat with lentils to healthify it a bit. You can also make your own frozen burritos with whatever fillings you like. Just avoid watery stuff like lettuce, and cook the moisture out of stuff like mushrooms before you assemble and freeze them.

      1. MuttIsMyCopilot*

        I forgot to mention other versions of chili! You can rotate in white bean chicken chili, black bean and sweet potato chili, pork chile verde, etc. if chili is already in the realm of filling and likable.

    4. Anona*

      I like quiche! Budget bytes has a couple crustless quiche recipes- one with broccoli, bacon, and cheddar, and the other with mushrooms, spinach, and assorted cheese. Both delicious.

    5. Beatrice*

      You mentioned that you can’t bring yourself to eat the plain chicken breast meals, but also that your husband likes fairly vanilla stuff – since you guys are eating separately, can you make some plain chicken breast meals for him, and some other stuff for yourself? Do a couple of big batches over a weekend or two and portion them individually?

      And something I try, when I’m trying to break a bad habit, is break the habit down into smaller parts and break those if I’m struggling with one big one. So instead of breaking your snacking/cold case habit and switching to eating healthy home cooked food in one step, does it make sense to try to break the snacking/cold case habit and switching to home cooked food that’s a little less healthy, but things you’ll be tempted by, and once you’re in the habit of eating what you bring, start bringing healthier things?

    6. HannahS*

      Are fridge meals ok? I’ve been making a lot of hearty stews lately, but they feature potatoes and lentils and I don’t like how they freeze. Regardless, here’s what I tend to cook on Sunday and eat all week:
      Leek, potato, and white bean stew with kale (sometimes with sausage, too)
      Tomato lentil stew
      Wildly inauthentic posole verde
      A sheet pan of chicken, potato, and carrots
      A bowl of brown rice with roasted tofu, sweet potato, and broccoli
      Hard boiled eggs with bread, cheese, and fruit

    7. AcademiaNut*

      Moroccan style stew with chickpeas, tomatoes and lamb (or beef). Filling, tasty, healthy, freezes well. You can make it in the crockpot if you start with cooked or canned chickpeas.

      Make tandoori chicken with the chicken breasts – marinate in a mix of yoghurt, lemon juice, garlic, ginger and tandoori spices and then grill. Serve with basmatic rice.

      Beef vindaloo with rice – use a cheap cut like beef shanks.

      Roasted meat and vegetables. Cut up some combination of carrots, onions, beets, kohlrabi, daikon, turnip etc, toss with olive oil, spread on a sheet pan and roast, stirring occasionally until they are browning and have shrunk a bit. I like to add some cumin seeds or caraway for flavour. At the same time roast some meat – a pork shoulder, for example. Let the meat cool, slice it, and drizzle a bit fo stock or pan juices on it to keep it most when freezing.

      Soups might not work as main courses, but can be good freezeable vegetable sides. Make a simple tomato vegetable soup (onions, canned diced tomatoes, fresh basil), or a pureed vegetable soup (carrot and ginger, squash, asparagus, broccoli, curried cauliflower, etc.). They freeze well and work as a good side dish.

    8. Rezia*

      Check out the cooking blog Pinch of Yum! It’s healthy but yummy, and the author has done posts specifically on freezer meals.

    9. Kuododi*

      I use a recipe site called The Endless Meal. (Type it all one word and a dot com to get the link. Trying not to be hung in moderation.). I signed up and I am sent 2-3recipes/ week. I have road tested a number of the recipes and they are quick, 3-4 ingredients, what we call in my family…”dump and stir” recipes. They are very low sugar, high veggies, a variety of lean proteins which is great to keep DH and I from getting into a rut with chicken only. Most of the receipes either are or can be made gluten free with minimal distress. They additionally will fit in with either Paleo, low carb, type meal plans and they are clearly labeled for those purposes. Hope this helps!!!

    10. The Other Dawn*

      Thanks for all the ideas! I see lots of things here I can try. And they reminded me of a few things I used make all the time and I slacked off lately: crust-less mini quiches and batches of hard-boiled eggs. I eat better when I have those in the fridge ready to grab. Husband won’t eat them, but I will.

      I started yesterday with making a huge batch of seasoned brown rice in the Instant Pot. (It’s a knock-off of Rice-a-Roni.) I put some in individual Pyrex bowls, threw in some leftover chicken and some frozen veggies and then stuck them in the freezer. Normally I just vacuum seal the cooked rice in small batches and pull them out when I want a side dish. Not sure why I never thought of making them the actual meal.

      I like the idea of finding stews that don’t use potatoes. I think that’s why I don’t make beef stew very often. It makes so much and there’s only two of us, so we can’t always finish it before it’s time to toss it. And I don’t freeze it because I’ve heard potatoes don’t freeze well.

      1. MuttIsMyCopilot*

        I’ve never had a problem freezing/thawing things that include potatoes. I generally use waxier varieties though. Maybe that makes a difference? You could also try subbing sweet potatoes.

      2. DrTheLiz*

        Something i have found really helpful against the “mealtime blahs” is a spreadsheet/list of everything i like and can cook. I’ve sorted it into “high effort and fancy”, “medium effort” “low effort” and “glorified snack” and tagged things just for me or just for Spouse. Then, on those all-too-frequent days when I just cannot think of what I want to eat I can look at my list and say “ohhh, I haven’t had (say) broccoli-haloumi wraps in a month! Those sound great!” and dinner is sorted.

  42. ScotKat*

    Hello! For anyone who saw my post here last week, I ran the 5k in the dark on Sunday. I very much dialled it in, so I didn’t warm up properly, as I usually do, and it was a lot tougher than it should have been. But I still managed my fastest time (partly because my friend was speeding off and I refused to let her beat me, haha), and it was lovely to see the lights on and everyone’s head torches illuminating.

    I thought I’d have a casual run this weekend to break in my new trainers, but ended up doing 5.5 miles this morning! I basically ran to a point where I had no choice but to run home, and it tallied up quite more than I’d expected. I’m pretty pleased but tired. I haven’t run that far since May. Maybe I can manage a 10k in April after all (tentative plan!).

    Runners: how’s your weekend going?

    1. CoffeeOnMyMind*

      Oh how awesome! I’m glad you enjoyed your race. I’m doing a short run today, and tomorrow I’m volunteering at a combined 5K/10K. You should totally do a 10K! Think of it this way: with a 5K you’re already halfway there, so it’s all downhill from here. :)

      1. ScotKat*

        I did a 10k in May, so I know I CAN do one, it’s just whether I want to do it again… haha! It doesn’t help that the last one involved a lot of hills (grr, Edinburgh) so it’s probably not a great one for the first time. But this morning I almost did run 10k just without really planning it so maybe I will enter one… for many months in the future!

        1. CoffeeOnMyMind*

          Ugh, hills. The bane of every runners existence. Why is it that race organizers ALWAYS put a hill at the very end? I did a half marathon with a final hill that was absolutely brutal – it was so steep that you couldn’t even see the finish line, which was just past the top. A lady running next to me swore loudly and viciously when she saw it. I’ve yet to encounter its equal (and I hope I never do).

    2. LGC*

      Congrats on the PR! And I’m glad you had an awesome time!

      And good luck on training for you next 10k – April’s still a ways off, so you have a lot of time to get in shape for it.

  43. Lady Jay*

    Sitting here listening to Irish music as I grade papers, and it’s got me wondering . . . What interests from your childhood carried over to your adult life? What childhood interests dropped by the wayside?

    I loved Celtic music as a kid. In fact, it was about the only kind of music I did actually like (I never went to concerts, kept up with recent releases, etc.) And now, when I’ve been an adult much longer than I’ve been a kid, I still love Celtic music.

    An interest of mine which thankfully fell by the wayside was my love of Christian romance novels, especially the “bonnet ripper” Amish stories. No offense to the people on this board who enjoy them, but those books just . . . did not do anything good for me. And when I finally laid them aside, I started picking up fantasy/science fiction novels (Lord of the Rings, etc), which have been one of the joys of my adult life.

    1. Rhymes with Mitochondria*

      Amish bonnet rippers? I had no idea there was such a thing and the concept is making me laugh!

      1. Reba*

        There are so many! Here is an interesting essay about the genre (note I’m not Amish so can’t comment on whether it represents that well) https://lareviewofbooks.org/article/bonnet-rippers-the-rise-of-the-amish-romance-novel/
        and another because of its excellent title https://thebaffler.com/salvos/titillated-thou

        Yeah, when I was growing up I read many kinds of “extremely specific social world” teen novels: ice skating teens, teens dealing with terminal illnesses… the Celtic fantasy phase… Mercifully I also got into the better fantasy titles too!

        1. ThatGirl*

          I’m Mennonite and quite sure they are not accurate but, I’ve also rarely seen conservative Anabaptists portrayed accurately, so…

          1. Elizabeth West*

            I guess it’s really hard to do that–most writers don’t get to spend enough time with them to gain real depth of understanding. And of course, books and movies will always take some dramatic license.

            I used to live in an extremely rural area north of where I live now and nearly all our neighbors were Amish. I liked them a lot, especially one family I got to know a little bit. I’m really sad we didn’t stay in touch after I moved.

            1. ThatGirl*

              Yeah, and there are so many subgroups and slight variations due to local autonomy. Lancaster Amish, Michiana Amish and Ohio Amish are all a bit different. I don’t honestly expect anyone to get it right, even writers like Rhoda Janzen who were raised Mennonite make bad generalizations and don’t seem to realize their experience was not universal.

              I’m glad you got to know your neighbors, and I’m sure you got fed well :)

              1. Elizabeth West*

                I only visited them at home once, and regrettably, not for dinner! :P
                But you know how I met them? They were selling baked goods by the side of the road. THE BEST MOLASSES COOKIES I HAVE EVER EATEN EVER

                SORRY GRANDMA

                The kids probably have kids of their own now. :P

                1. ThatGirl*

                  I enjoy baking but lemme tell you my cookies have never tasted like the sugar cookies from my favorite tiny Amish bakery. So I believe you.

        1. Lady Jay*

          Sadly, I can’t claim credit for it! Heard it somewhere and it struck me as *perfect* for describing that kind of story, so I use it whenever I can. :)

      3. DragoCucina*

        I could spend the library’s entire book budget on these books. The demand is huge. The cult following for Karen Kingsbury puts my Trekkie mania to shame.

    2. fposte*

      Oh, fun question! Let’s see–I still love Renaissance music (I saw Elizabeth R as a kid and it left a big musical mark), Christmas choral music, crispy chocolate chip cookies, the color royal blue (I still remember with pleasure a royal blue velveteen dress from when I was about 5, nooks in houses . . .

      What don’t I like any more? I have to say that I overread fantasy in my youth and don’t respond well to most of it now, kind of like if you overate a dessert once and can’t face it now. I don’t like much animation. I don’t like getting phone calls (though I think that’s a change in how phones work culturally). I no longer think “I Am Woman” is a pinnacle of feminism worthy of dancing around the room to.

      In the third category you didn’t name, things you didn’t like as a kid and like now, I’m going to put cheese. I don’t like *all* cheese now, but my childhood experience was all crap cheese and it was a revelation to me as an adult just how good cheese is.

    3. Mimmy*

      I had a lot of weird interests when I was little. One of them was weather. I was so fascinated by storms, especially thunderstorms, snow storms, etc. I’m not as interested now as an adult, although if you asked my dad, he’d probably tell you I’m still very interested haha.

      One that’s stayed with me is 80s music. When I was little, I’d practically memorize the top 10 / top 40 hit songs each week. Even now, I could tell you what song was popular when – not the exact WEEK, but at least the time of year.

        1. Basia, also a Fed*

          On New Year’s Day in the 80s, my best friend and I would listen to Casey all day and write down the top 100 songs of the previous year. We had to take turns going to the bathroom so we didn’t miss anything. It was so much fun! The internet has changed things so much.

    4. Asenath*

      I still love folk music, including Celtic music, some other similar types of music. My musical taste has broadened – but I still don’t like popular music other than the very earliest rock and roll. I like some kinds of classical music now, and even learned to like opera.

      Some books don’t stand up. I adored Barbara Michaels/Elizabeth Peters book, and recently tried to re-read some of her earliest novels. They didn’t stand up well, although it was clear from re-reading them how much she improved over her career!

      News, oddly enough. I grew up in a home where we religiously watched the evening news and read newspapers and news magazines. I still check out headlines online, but don’t routinely follow and argue over political issues.

      I don’t think I got into specifically Christian romance novels, except for that one time a friend of my grandmother suggested I read something by Grace Livingstone Hill. I read lots and lots of Harlequins (probably partly because my mother thought they were bad for young girls because they taught them to wait for Prince Charming (or, if you got a job as a nurse, you were sure to marry a handsome young doctor). Not any more, I don’t. I still love historical romances, but the recent authors I’ve tried have too many anachronisms and I’m back to re-reading Heyer or Lofts. It’s similar thing with detective stories – I read old ones, but not new ones.

      Diet coke. I have a weakness for diet coke which stretches back to my childhood. Also for salty (but not usually sweet) snacks.

    5. BugSwallowersAnonymous*

      I always used to bake with my mom when I was a little kid and I still love that! I also still love fantasy/sf books, adventure movies, and that moment in every mystery where the villain and/or detective reveals the whole truth. I don’t own a horse farm though, which was my biggest aspiration as a middle schooler!

      1. fposte*

        I feel like this is heresy, but I was a horse girl myself, and I don’t feel the pull I used to. I still like them, but not in the same way I did for so many decades.

    6. Elizabeth West*

      What interests from your childhood carried over to your adult life?
      Horror fiction!
      I used to read all those Boris Karloff story collections (for kids), monster stuff and ghost stuff both fiction and non-fiction, and anything else spooky or scary I could get my hands on.

      I read Stephen King for the first time as a teenager (The Dead Zone) and loved him. He’s my favorite writer ever. I used to read John Saul, but his books are really terrible; I only saved one because it had a crazy kid who had tea parties with a dead cat and it was absolutely over-the-top hilarious.

      I have an entire bookshelf that’s mostly horror and a little fantasy. All my Stephen King books are in another shelf. I’ve only recently been reading science fiction. My favorite SF writer so far is Robert J. Sawyer–I LOVE him. I also have a great fondness for John Wyndham’s stuff, especially The Midwich Cuckoos and Out of the Deeps, probably because of the horror elements in them.

      What childhood interests dropped by the wayside?
      I had a real interest in cryptozoology and UFOs, haha. I wanted to see the Loch Ness Monster, a Bigfoot, an alien, etc. I was convinced those things existed.

      I wanted to go to Loch Ness so badly. Finally in 2014 I did, but by then, it had finally penetrated my brain that if animals that large existed anywhere but the sea, we’d know about them. Even the visitor’s center at Drumnadrochit is basically like, “Hey, here are the facts; this thing probably doesn’t exist, but we’ll leave it for you to decide.”

      Instead, I just enjoyed it for what it was, an indescribably beautiful lake overlooked by a really cool ruined castle. However, looking at the loch itself, you really can see the weird currents and how wakes travel in such a way that they kinda do look like an undulating creature. :)

      We also read VC Andrews in high school (the Flowers in the Attic books). They are SO BAD, but I can’t bring myself to get rid of them. I re-read them every once in a while and think how can these be so terrible yet so compelling at the same time? I think because the writing was so descriptive. But good lawd, the dialogue is the worst I’ve ever read.

      1. Asenath*

        Oh, I forgot the cryptozoology and UFOs! When I was a kid in school I read every book I could get my hands on them – I liked UFOs more that the monsters. I think I more than half -believed – why, some people said they saw strange lights in the sky that must have be UFOs in my little hometown! But my parents were always skeptical, although they didn’t stop me reading about them. And of course, I read science fiction and later fantasy – back then, yes, Wyndham was great, and I read all the other stuff going around – Andre Norton, Ray Bradbury, Asimov… I still read Bujold and Cherryh. I didn’t get into horror in a big way. Well, I read Lovecraft and some Stephen King. I was an omnivorous and indiscriminate reader. True crime – I went off that eventually, but still pick up a book now and again.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          Haha, I wanted not only to see a crypto creature, but to discover one. I dreamed of being an explorer who would stumble upon a lost population of dinos or something.

          Bradbury, yes, him too. And Lovecraft. The John Saul book (it was called Suffer the Children was one that made the rounds at school–people would pass it to their friends with “You gotta read this, oh maaaaaaan.” There’s a book out called Paperbacks from Hell about all those crazy old horror novels from the 1970s and 1980s. I am both proud and embarrassed to say I’ve read most of them!

      2. Lady Jay*

        Weirdly, you remind me that as a kid, I had an obsession with borders. I loved the idea of stepping over an invisible line and moving states, or even countries, and for a long time I REALLY wanted to go to Four Corners. And surprisingly, this is an interest that carried through to my adult life. I visited Four Corners–finally!–when I was 30, a couple years back; and for 7 years I lived in an area of the country where I lived/worked in one state, and went to church in another, so at least once a week I was “out of state”. Loved it.

    7. Dance-y Reagan*

      I was really into the idea of treasure hunting as a kid, mostly due to Goonies. I would make fake treasure maps and hide random plastic junk in the flowerbeds.

      I’m probably the only person who regularly rewatches the National Treasure movies. You’d think I would get into geocaching and the like, but nah.

    8. DragoCucina*

      Mysteries remain my favorite genre. From Nancy Drew to J.T. Ellison I still love a good who-done-it. Star Trek: TOS. I recently rewatched the series and setting aside some over acting the storytelling is still good.

  44. Melody Pond*

    Help me, AAM community, you’re my only hope!

    I’ve really been enjoying wearing longer skirts for both work and casual occasions, but with the colder weather, I really do need something warmer on my legs underneath the skirts. I don’t care much for tights and would prefer some sturdy, mostly cotton leggings – but it seems like I have such a hard time finding leggings that actually fit!

    These are the issues I normally seem to have:
    – if they fit my thighs, they’re often really big in the waist
    – the waist is often not high enough, I’d prefer high waisted leggings that actually come up to about my navel (and if they actually fit my waist properly, then sitting at my natural waist will reduce likelihood of them slipping down as I walk everywhere)
    – often, the calves and ankles are WAY too tight (even when the thighs fit)! I do a lot of walking, but still!

    Depending on the brand/store, I could wear anything from a US size 10 to maybe a 14. Normally, I try to shop only at thrift stores, but would be willing to make an exception for this, if it would be for something fairly high quality (I’d rather not go to places like Old Navy, H&M, or Wal-Mart).

    Does anybody have any suggestions for brands/styles to try? Anything you’ve tried and really liked?

    1. The curator*

      Forget leggings. Go with long underwear or what I think they call them base layer. probably won’t get them in a thrift store. So brands that I like that often have sales are cuddle duds or jockey. When its really cold, I wear Smartwool bottoms. They work great on less than thirty degree days and don’t overheat when you are inside.

    2. Reba*

      I’m really happy with my Loft ponte leggings, and the Lou and Grey ones are great, although I can’t speak to their fit in larger sizes. Both are thicker and hold their shape well, and have actual shape to the waist. They aren’t cheap but are actually on sale at the moment! Loft seems to have sales every other minute.

      For warmth, you probably want something at least partly synthetic or wool.

    3. Mehhhh*

      Patagonia makes really lightweight and warm long underwear. They aren’t cheap but last forever. Uniqlo’s heattech line is more tights style but they have some high waisted versions that I really like. They’ve gotten better in sizing in the last few years.

    5. SignalLost*

      I like Lane Bryant’s leggings, under the Livi Active brand. The caveat is that they only go as small as 14. They’re high-waisted and very stretchy. They come in multiple lengths, so if you wear tall boots in winter, you may have luck with the Capri length.

    6. Woodswoman*

      I suggest checking out REI for long underwear. If there isn’t a store near you, you can order online and there are lots of customer reviews to give you a sense of what could work. REI also has a terrific return policy. If you don’t like what you purchased, you have a full year to return it regardless of what condition it’s in.

    7. Alice*

      Try Uniqlo leggings – they have different weights. I swear by them for layering while bike commuting in winter.

    8. DragoCucina*

      I often wear my Fabletics leggings. They have a high waisted style I really like. I also have a couple of Maiden Form leggings bought on Amazon that are comfy. I have a pear figure with full thighs.

    9. mreasy*

      They are high end, but the leggings from Girlfriend Collective are the best I’ve ever worn, and they come in a wide range of sizes. They don’t fall down, ever, and are high-waisted. Incredibly comfortable.

    10. moql*

      I made fun of these lululemon crowd for years until I actually tried on a pair. They are expensive, but so comfortable I bought two pairs that I wear multiple times a week. Try the wunder under style. I have similar problems with waist bagging and they really do stay put. I only ever wear dresses because I can never find pants that fit.

  45. Rhymes with Mitochondria*

    College aged son moved off campus this year and his place is infested with roaches and bedbugs! Can’t find another place he can afford yet. He’s been the squeaky wheel, involved the health department, and has got management spraying weekly now and while it’s getting better, he’s coming home for Thanksgiving this week. Anything I can do to avoid hitchhikers invading my home?
    (He’s hoping to be back on campus at the semester break – on a waiting list.)

    1. CoffeeOnMyMind*

      Ugh, bed bugs … I had those in my old apartment when I was in college, and they are not fun. They’re hard to get of too. The EPA has some suggestions on how to protect your home, but I’d at least get mattress covers to encapsulate all mattresses and box springs in your home. They will keep the bed bugs from getting into the mattress. The EPA’s guidelines are here: https://www.epa.gov/bedbugs/protecting-your-home-bed-bugs

    2. Reba*

      Bring in his stuff in garbage bags, keep it in tightly sealed bags (including shoes, suitcase) until you can treat it with the dryer, if you have one or can go to a laundromat. Run the clothes, linens for an hour on high heat for those things that can handle it. Steam can also be used. You will want to get a bug proof mattress cover and pillow covers for the bed he’ll stay in at your home. Inspect his car, if he has one, for signs.

      He should use diatomaceous earth (not the kind for pools) in his apartment. This is truly what works. Bed bugs are horrible but he can get through it! There are some guides to home treatment published by universities or extensions, so look for those.

    3. CoffeeOnMyMind*

      I had the same problem when I was in college. The EPA has suggestions on how to protect your home, but I recommend getting mattress protectors for all mattresses and box springs in your home. They will prevent bed bugs from getting inside the bed.

    4. fposte*

      When he comes home, have a change of clothes for him ready at the door; have him drop his bags and what he’s wearing on a solid non-carpeted surface or, better yet, directly to the laundry room. Wash everything and then dry it for at least 30 minutes on continuous medium to high heat.

    5. Jaid_Diah*

      Just for the day or a couple of days? If he has clothes and stuff at home, just have him strip and wash the stuff he’s wearing in hot water and run the dryer at its hottest for sixty minutes. That includes jacket, sneakers, etc.

    6. Earthwalker*

      Anything that can’t go in the dryer – like non-washable luggage – should be quarantined in plastic bags and left outside. Watch out for car seats too.

    7. Close Bracket*

      At his place- he can also try thoroughly dusting with food grade diatomaceous earth (he should wear a mask). It’s effective against bugs with exoskeletons, which includes both roaches and bedbugs. In fact if he does it before he leaves, he will probably come home to insect carnage. He wants a thin layer of dust, and with the food grade, he can do every surface in the house.

  46. Sunflower*

    Has anyone tried Zipcar or another car sharing service?

    I just moved to Manhattan and am finding I’m missing my car for doing 1-2 hour trips. I used to love buying smaller pieces of used furniture off Craigslist but am finding if a piece is in Brooklyn, it’s not worth the hassle or Uber price to get there and back. Aldi is 100 blocks away and while the subway is doable for it, it would be great to have the option of driving

    These programs seem like a great deal and then I read mixed reviews- some people say it’s terrible and super expensive, others say it’s only okay if you plan on doing the small trips. I don’t plan on using the car for extended trips- really nothing longer than a few hours.

    1. CatCat*

      I had a Zipcar membership years ago when I lived in DC and I thought it was great overall. My only frustrations were:

      (1) The prior user not returning the car on time so it wasn’t there when I went to get the car. Not much to be done there. Zipcar had pricey overtime charges to help prevent this. Only happened to me a couple times.

      (2) No spots left when you go to return the car. This happened to me once. All the Zipcar spots in the garage where I picked up the car were taken. I ended up parking it on the street, calling Zipcar, an telling them the car was parked in a 2 hour spot. Idk what happened after that, but I didn’t get dinged.

    2. Red*

      I used Zipcar for a while. I thought it was kind of expensive compared to just using my unlimited bus pass, but that’s to be expected. I had an issue with a car once and customer service immediately moved my reservation to another car in the lot and gave me a $50 credit, so that was nice. The only part that frustrated me was how long it took to get to and from the Zipcar’s home lot – there weren’t any on any of the bus routes my apartment is on, so it was a PITA. That’s why I bought a car of my own. However, I am in Buffalo NY, not Manhattan, so I bet you’ll have it easier.

    3. Anonymous Educator*

      I loved Zipcar when my spouse and I were without a car for a few years. It works internationally, too. It’s expensive for what it is, but it’s not nearly as expensive as owning a car (especially in New York City), and it’s a lot less hassle than a traditional car rental.

    4. Jillociraptor*

      We have Zipcar and use it maybe 5-6 times a year. I got a membership when I was a student and somehow have been permanently grandfathered in so it’s only like $25 a year. If you went to college and still have a .edu email address you might try to get that reduced rate!

      I like Zipcar for the most part. I’ve rarely had any issues and I’ve found the customer support to be pretty good. I also like getting to try out different vehicles. But even when it’s cheaper to Zipcar, I often prefer to take a Lyft to avoid parking, so we don’t use the account all that often.

    5. LilySparrow*

      It’s been years since we left Manhattan, but we had Zipcar for a while and really liked it.

      There was a garage a few blocks from our apartment, never any problem scheduling a car when we wanted it, and the customer service was good.

      Would recommend.

    6. Jane of All Trades*

      I use zipcar in Manhattan. I find it very helpful to get to places that are not easy to reach with public transportation, like if I venture into NJ for hiking or similar. Haven’t head any problems with the car not being available for me at pickup, or similar. Because of traffic you would need to keep a close eye on your watch though – I generally prefer to book for half an hour longer than I think it will take.
      TBH, if you are travelling 100 blocks in the city I’d probably take a lyft or an uber, that way you don’t have to deal with parking. In my experience, zipcar only makes sense when leaving Manhattan.
      The other thing it does for me though is give me a sense of autonomy. I can go wherever, by myself, and have my own space. You don’t get that using uber or the subway, and every so often I really enjoy it (as a person who needs her space and didn’t grow up in a big city)

    7. Tris Prior*

      I use it here in Chicago and like it a lot. I haven’t had any bad experiences (which was not the case with Enterprise Carshare, which doesn’t operate here any more).

      It’s expensive, but less so than owning a car full-time. I pretty much only use it if I need to go way out into the suburbs where getting a Lyft or a cab would be hard, or if I need to haul something heavy that I don’t want to put in a Lyft (like my annual load of potting soil and compost). They give you a gas card to pay for gas if you need it.

    8. Owler*

      Husband and I have tried Zipcar, Car2Go, and ReachNow. It’s a great option for us for short trips and to supplement our one-car family in which the car usually stays with the adult who is responsible for our child. I think ReachNow is the one we use most. We can park it anywhere when we are done with it, and the monthly fees are the least in our area.

      If there’s a pattern to when you think you’ll use the car, you might download the various apps and just see how many cars are available near you for driving, or even look on Google maps for Zipcar locations. Think about whether you want it for a block of time or for one-way trips. See what the rules are for ending your trip and dropping off the car. If you want to go to national or state parks, see if they offer passes (I think I read that one of companies was starting this).

      I do think it’s worth trying for a month or two to see if you like it. You may feel so nickle&dimed by thinking about the cost of each trip that it isn’t worth it. Or you may enjoy the freedom of having a car for just the right amount of time.

    9. Natalie*

      I used car2go in Minneapolis extensively, and I loved it so much I get wistful when I see Smart Cars because they remind me of the car2go. (They left this market for profitability reasons.) Individual trips sometimes seemed expensive, but when I compare it to the cost of cabs/rideshare or the time cost of public transport to somewhere far away it was totally worth it.

      That said, it can definitely be helpful to stack your trips. Car2go had a daily rate, and if I had a ton of errands to run (like Christmas shopping) I’d just suck it up and pay for that daily rate and knock everything out at once.

  47. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

    Anyone have a delicious and festive recipe for broccoli? I have some that is probably going to appear on the thanksgiving table. I love roast broccoli, but that’s what we make when it’s a random Tuesday and nobody’s feeling any inspiration.

      2. Nita*

        Mmm. My great-aunt’s broccoli salad recipe: cooked broccoli, black olives, canned mushrooms (preferably straw mushrooms), chopped egg, onions, salt and mayo. So good.

    2. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Roast it with mixins! This could be pancetta or walnuts. Toss with a little balsamic vinegar or maybe pomegranate seeds or Parmesan at the end.

    4. HannahS*

      Maybe like a broccoli almandine? Like green beans almandine but with broccoli instead? You can also jazz up roasted broccoli with a miso or tahini sauce.

  48. Flabbergasted*

    I’m wondering what to say…
    I was in a meeting with 10 guys and one other women for an organization that recently decided to accept girls as members. One of the guys asked “What’s in it for the boys?”, another guy answered “Eye candy!” and all the guys laughed. I was speechless. But what do I say next month when I meet with them again?

    1. Reba*

      “I Quit?”

      Sorry, that’s not helpful. Members of my family are long time scout people and I’d like to think they would shut this down. But I’m not a huge fan of scouting as an organization (sorry if leaping to conclusions here!).

      I’d try something like, “Last week there was a joke about girl members being eye candy. I was a little taken aback and didn’t say anything then, but I’ve thought about it this week and I want to say that–I know it was meant as a joke for adults–but this is really not the kind of values that we want to impart to our with this organization! And, if we are going to welcome girls, we have to ACTUALLY do that, not treat them as jokes.”

      It’s distressing that they sexualized potential CHILD members like that! But I don’t feel like bringing that aspect of it up would necessarily be productive.

      I hope speaking up helps!

      1. fposte*

        Oh, this is very good, Reba.

        And to be honest, I find even the initial question troubling. Really? You can’t figure out what’s in it for you to expand the work of your organization to include new talented young people with different experiences? Or you think your boys are too stupid to figure that out?

        1. neverjaunty*

          Right? How creepy and immature.

          Another technique that sometimes works with jackasses is to play dumb. “Say, Fergus, I was a little confused last week when you said that the girls would be ‘eye candy’ for the boys. What did you mean by that?” in a genuine, questioning tone.

          If he tries some variant of ‘it was just a joke’, you can earnestly say you don’t get the joke and could he explain it to you.

          Usually they mumble and change the subject because somehow it’s not as funny to come out and explain the shitty thing they thought was so hilarious.

    2. Jean (just Jean)*

      Honest reaction:What a bunch of jackasses!

      Sarcastic fantasy (too rude and self-effacing to live out): Don’t say a thing. Show up to the next meeting in a miniskirt or low-cut blouse.

      Real-life revenge: Figure out a way to be obviously the best at whatever they are doing. Then do it.

      Real life minus the revenge: Recruit more women for the next meeting. Aim to outnumber the guys. (When asked why, resist the urge to tell them that the new women all wanted to come view the cute guys.)

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        P.S. Recruit women who are also capable of running circles around these dim-witted men. It might not be much of a challenge.
        Grrr.

    3. Anonymous Educator*

      I wish I had good advice here. That’s seriously disgusting not just that the first two guys said those things but that the rest of the guys laughed in response. I don’t know if I could ever trust those guys again with anything.

    4. Courageous cat*

      Probably nothing as it’s been too long, but next time something like that happens and I’m sure it will, I would just be like, “why did you say that? That’s pretty fucked up.”

      I had a male boss once talk about women in his exercise class and how they should just form a knitting club instead and I just stood there and paused and said “Wow, yeah, that’s a pretty fucked up thing to say actually.” and he was like “Yeah I know”. Ha. So sometimes just being matter of fact about it works.

  49. D.W.*

    Currently on my first roadtrip while pregnant. Husband and I are driving to be with my family for Thanksgiving and leaving early because, well, we’re driving and I’m pregnant. I don’t think I could handle the 15hr drive overnight right now.

  50. rogue axolotl*

    This is a bit of a weird one, but I’m curious and this seems like the right kind of venue for it. I’ve never been attractive in my life, except for maybe when I was a little kid. I don’t have a problem with this anymore, but I’ve always been curious to know what it’s like to be conventionally attractive. For those out there who are good looking and know it, is this something you ever spend time thinking about?

    1. Zona the Great*

      No. I don’t think about it. Do you mean, do I think about maintenance and ensuring I stay looking good? Or do you mean, do I wish to look in the mirror a lot?

      1. Zona the Great*

        I should mention that I was not attractive until my late twenties. I was not a child who looked cute and I was very plain as a teen. That could have something to do with my development.

      2. rogue axolotl*

        I guess I just mean I wonder if there’s anyone out there contemplating this question from the other side. But maybe it would only apply to people who have only ever been one way or the other.

        1. Zona the Great*

          Well, all my life I wondered what it’s like to be pretty. Now that I’m told that I am, I don’t think about it much. My life didn’t change much if at all. I just don’t think about my skin anymore, for example.

      1. jolene*

        Really beautiful women are very insecure as they are close to being perfect but aren’t. They are harder on themselves than anyone and can be very easily exploited by men. They are extremely concerned about aging.
        Really beautiful men own the world and know it. They are quite concerned about aging.
        Those of us, like me, who are very good-looking and charming, really enjoy it but we know that we don’t attract everyone, just people who like our type. We don’t like aging but we have never put our entire value on our looks and are pretty phlegmatic. But we are keenly aware of decline and fighting it hard because we like being attractive to others.

        1. Close Bracket*

          That’s a huge generalization. The actual human beings who are attractive who answered this question report completely different feelings on the matter. I think you should listen to what people are actually saying about their experiences.

    3. KatieKate*

      So, I didn’t start life as a conventionally attractive person. I like to fondly call years 2-15 my time as a “goblin,” and it’s still hard to consider myself “attractive” most of the time because I spent so many formative years thinking I wasn’t.
      But.
      I am constantly being told I should model by family friends and my dry cleaner and strangers on the street (though those might be scams, I never looked into it.) I started a new job this week and during introductions a new coworker called me an ingenue. Strangers stop me to compliment my hair. I’m an ace lesbian and I am always fielding off men and it’s turned me into a bit of a hermit because I hate that kind of attention from men.
      It’s weird. It’s really, really weird. Sometimes I’ll catch myself in a mirror and go “oh damn” because something about the light and angle made me actually recognize myself as attractive, but most of the time I don’t see it, and most of the time I don’t care. I wear clothes that are comfortable but polished. I wear very little makeup. I used it to my advantage when I was a teen/in college (because people will let you get away with things because you are attractive, that is not a myth) but nowadays stuff like that makes me uncomfortable.
      Is this the kind of thing you were thinking of? Happy to answer more questions

      1. rogue axolotl*

        Yes, that’s it! Thanks very much–it’s fascinating to get this perspective. Part of my curiosity is about whether all of the supposed benefits of being good-looking are true–like if you get complimented a lot, get stopped on the street, notice people treating you better, get more opportunities, and so on. But I can also see how there would be downsides (one reason I kind of like being unattractive is that I really hate unwanted attention). I realize it must be kind of a weird thing to talk about since it’s a bit of a taboo subject! In “real life” I can never talk about being unattractive because other people feel so weird about me admitting it.

        1. Sparkly Lady*

          I debated answering earlier because I wasn’t quite sure of your question. But with this clarification, I can answer.

          I’m not sure if I would have been accurately described as conventionally attractive, but in my 20s and early 30s, I was definitely considered attractive. I was more on the Betty Page side of things than the girl next door if that makes sense… hence the not exactly conventional.

          In my experience, no, the upsides aren’t really true. (They may have been more true if I had been girl next door type.) I had more negative experiences with female friends explicitly telling me they were too jealous to stay friends and a lot of problems with male friendships. But I also did have opportunities to get things with my looks (e.g. doorpeople offering to let me into clubs), but I passed on them because it felt weird and also, I didn’t really understand what I was being asked. Even as an adult, I still don’t. I wasn’t being overtly propositioned, but I was being requested to flirt. However, a friend of mine who was very attractive but due to size, non-conventionally so, could work people. She just had a natural comfort with sweet talking that I don’t.

          I did get complimented a lot and I did get stopped on the street. So that part is true in my experience. But it was also creepy most of the time. I don’t miss it at all!

    4. Anony Mouse*

      It feels weird even answering this, as though you’re bragging, but yeah: I honestly feel like being attractive is like someone giving you a completely impractical gift that you’re not allowed to sell, like a vintage Porsche. Some people are car people and would be thrilled.

      I am not a car person. But you feel weirdly protective about it — and after years of living with your luxury car, you find yourself becoming weirdly attached to your Porsche. It’s really strange. And with any finicky luxury automobile, you gotta do maintenance and upkeep to maintain, right?

      And then there are all the small but significant advantages that being attractive gives one (particularly if you’re a woman). Beauty is a privilege.

      1. rogue axolotl*

        Thanks, I find your perspective really fascinating! I think one thing I’ve always wondered is how conscious attractive people are of how they look, if that makes sense. Like, if you’re walking down the street on a regular day, does it make you feel better to know that you look good? Sorry, I’m sure this is kind of impossible to answer without sounding like a jerk, but I just feel like if I could magically become good-looking overnight, I’d find it pretty satisfying to be aesthetically pleasing. Kind of like how I find it satisfying when I make something that turns out well. Although maybe that’s not really realistic.

        1. Anony Mouse*

          Like, if you’re walking down the street on a regular day, does it make you feel better to know that you look good.

          Not really. If I’m dressed up nice (I like clothes but don’t really do make up or jewelry) for a special occasion, it does make me feel good to look aesthetically pleasing. But you know –I guess your face is just your face. Most of the time, your mind isn’t occupied with how you look; sometimes I’ll catch a reflection of myself in passing and the only things that jump out are the bad things: a pimple, dark under-eye circles, etc.

          I’m approaching my 40s and I’m well aware that my “pretty” years ago ending, and it’s a weird mixed feeling. I will miss being pretty, but I am also looking forward to being looked at less (especially by random men). Not all attention is neutral.

        2. Anonning Myself*

          I’m now a nice looking older woman, but when I was in my late teens til my late 40s I was very good looking. (Time has been kind to me but I’m not one of those stunning older women.) For me the problem was that men were obnoxious —lots of street harassment.

          I didn’t myself think about my looks — my family put huge emphasis on smarts and treating people kindly, so it was not my main concern. It’s nice to be good looking, I think it makes choosing clothes easier, but for me I always cared more about having nice friends and being a good person. (Thanks mom and dad!)

    5. Loopy*

      I didn’t realize or appreciate I was attractive at all…until I started aging and seeing myself lose it to a degree. If you had asked me six or so years ago I probably wouldn’t have felt comfortable enough to even say, yes, I am attractive. Now that aging has started actually showing signs, I realize I was. It’s odd and I almost dislike how it’s happened because I feel vain missing my slightly younger face and worry about aging when I really wish I didn’t care.

      1. Ellie*

        Thanks to some negative things from my youth, I was under the impression I was phenomenally hideous. As I got older, I realized I might not be preparing for my career as a model, but I’m appealing. Children who get lost in malls come to me for help, adults in need come right up to start chatting, etc. I hadn’t really thought about it much, UNTIL! I got a facial peel, and as it was healing, I couldn’t smile. I couldn’t put people at ease by sitting down to chat. My face wasn’t open and friendly, I wasn’t able to glide into a room and make a joke- ugh. So what’s my take away? When you’re appealing to others, either because of a conventional attractiveness or something else, it makes interacting with them much easier.

    6. SkinnyMinnyIsntFunny*

      Eeep I really hate it tbh. Internally, Im not particularly graceful and feel like a cretin most days but then I get the “But your so [pretty, skinny, tall, insert other random body part] you shouldnt feel that way!” or have other women be genuinely nasty because the assume Im a b****. Also, I rarely get hit on, normal guys think they wont appeal to someone like me and dont try while guys who KNOW theyre attractive dont want to ‘date on their level’. Theres also a large amount of men who think I must be ‘easy’ and feel entitled to touch me inappropriately (seriously, dont touch anyone you dont know!) The flip side is I empathize really well because of how cruel people have been towards me based on a superficial thing I cant control, my kids are absolutely beautiful, and one of my favorite things in life will always be the moment someone new is astonished I have a brain inside my head (second best is when they dont and the sarcasm can be laid on). And last thing, dont get yourself down over how you see yourself. My husband never feels attractive but hes EXACTLY the man of my dreams, same goes for all of my attractive friends’ spouses feeling ugly but the attractive one is head over heels for the one feeling unattractive.

    7. The Original K.*

      I don’t walk around feeling pretty. I went through a very awkward phase as a kid in which people called me ugly to my face, and that has stayed with me (though really, it was for a very small window of time, maybe five years). I’m also Black, and there’s a lot wrapped up in being a Black woman in a racist society that extends to standards of beauty. But enough things happen to me that I associate with happening to pretty people that I recognize that I am attractive. I turned a head during a run yesterday, I get stopped on the street and complimented, and I’ve been given things. People approach me. Babies and kids will smile at me and/or talk to me, and I read somewhere that babies respond to symmetrical faces. (I’m fine with this, as I like kids. Having funny conversations with random kids is fun to me.)

      However, what I have noticed re: the opposite sex is that while men do approach me, they do not respond to me in a “let me take care of you” way. They never have. I’ve been told I’m “too independent” by men before, which … I mean, I have bills to pay. What am I supposed to do?

      I do take good care of myself – eat well, drink water, exercise daily, good grooming – but that’s more to preserve good health than it is to preserve beauty, if that makes sense. We should all be eating healthfully and moving our bodies because it’s good for our bodies, whatever they look like. But I don’t walk around thinking, like, “What should I, Attractive Woman, do today?” I don’t sit around looking at myself. And I for sure have days where I think “Ugh, GROSS” about myself.

    8. Traffic_Spiral*

      Honestly, I think it evens out. Yes, you’re prettier, but what does that actually gain you? Maybe you get a point in the job interview because you just look more “professional” but others will think you’re just a face with no talent, some women will resent you, and the men creep on you.

      Maybe you get asked out more, but half the guys just like the “status points” of having a hot babe more than they like you as a person, and they actually resent you because they’re constantly thinking “I only put up with you and your stupid shit because you’re hot – how dare you make me pretend to like you as a person and pay attention to all the stupid shit you say, just because you’re hot.” It really sucks when you figure that one out.

      Is it enjoyable to look in a mirror and think “yes, that’s very nice” the same way you would appreciate a good painting? Sure. But you could get that same aesthetic enjoyment from your reflection by putting effort into your hair, clothes, and accessories. Also, attractiveness is relative, and there’s always someone hotter, plus you’re always gonna have some flaws.

      Basically, as a woman, you’re seen as more “womanly” if you’re attractive, but that means that everyone dumps every sexist and misogynistic impulse they have on you, because you are seen as the appropriate receptacle for them. So… meh. six of one, half a dozen of the other.

    9. NACSACJACK*

      From the gay guy’s perspective – Some can be really narcissistic about their looks, but I asked one guy who at the time I thought was pretty attractive. As someone above said, they don’t think about it. As others have said, they themselves don’t think they are beautiful. He works out and stresses nutrition a lot because it is what helps him get through his life. He needs the exercise and the feedback. That said, we have a lot in he comunity that are stuck on looks and other objects. But some of the not so beautiful people have the best relationships or have really hot partners and some of the really beautiful people are really nice people too. Just keep in mind you dont know the whole story of someone else’s life.

    10. deesse877*

      The word “conventionally” in your original question is important. I think the few people who really do fit the ideal one sees in mass media probably have a unique experience, and (from what I know of the lives of friends) mostly live out a “vintage Porsche” sort of story, as someone said.
      For myself, about 12 years ago I moved to a place where my body type–pretty heavy, “thick” in local slang–was valued. This isn’t something you see in media images, but day-to-day I got treated as attractive by people on the street, work colleagues, whomever. Previously, I’d only lived in places where thinness was the main prerequisite of a woman’s attractiveness. The change was nice, if subtle. A layer of stress went away, sort of like getting a raise or a better commute or a nicer apartment. I didn’t ever get overtly offered free stuff or anything–you have to actually play along with them, or be .01% gorgeous, for that to happen–but clearly I was getting an unearned benefit. I also didn’t notice any difference, positive or negative, in overt sexism (whether that means getting hollered at, or treated as stupid, or whatever). I just…counted a little more, to most people, most of the time. It didn’t even have to do with actual attraction–on the contrary, the most vocal approval came from straight women, who seemed to see me as more worthy of respect. It’s a weird thing, appearance.

    11. NeonFireworks*

      I was a cute kid but very much a tomboy, and then I suddenly became what beauty standards would describe as an unfortunate-looking teenage girl. In early adulthood, I gradually acquired some “girly” skills. I figured out what to do with my hair and eyebrows and face in general, and learned how to dress myself beyond a T-shirt and pair of track pants. And then a couple of years ago I abruptly got good treatment for my hormonal disorder, which was a surprise. My awful skin cleared up and within about two months I lost 40 pounds without even trying, going from average to much less than.

      The amount of attention from random men is about the same, honestly, though never welcome (I am basically straight but have never met anyone that way that I have wanted to date). My work is highly numerical and specialized, and I’ve noticed I get questioned more, as if there is a trade off between conventional attractiveness and brainpower. But most noticeable is a LOT of overt envy from other women and stares and gossip. It breaks my heart! One woman at my workplace suddenly started treating me WAY BETTER because she so respected my weight loss (never mind that it was an ACCIDENT), and now she wants to talk about that and nothing but that all the time. Other women are avoiding me or maybe even resenting me for inadvertently getting what so many of them want. I’m still astonished when I look in the mirror sometimes. But the main effect is that I used to dislike beauty standards fervently and now I UTTERLY DESPISE them. I want EVERY PERSON, of whatever size/shape/color/gender/type of plumbing/level of conventional attractiveness, to be treated equally and warmly. So I’ve been reading about the manifestations of fatphobia and some visible-disability stuff where relevant, and I want to do more. Taking suggestions.

    12. Anon Anon Anon*

      I have been conventionally attractive and unattractive. Being attractive opens doors if you’re doing things that are considered feminine and not threatening to anyone. If you’re using your mind or doing something that isn’t considered traditionally feminine, it works against you to some extent. People don’t believe you could actually be smart and attractive. Men see you as a means to an end and women see you as competition to be taken out. That goes for single women as well as women in relationships – they see you as a threat to their relationship. I’ve been stalked and harassed by women because of this – about the same amount as by men, if not more. You get free stuff, but there’s usually something in it for someone else. They want an attractive woman to be seen at their establishment, seen wearing their t-shirt, etc. And if you do anything unconventional, they get angry and want the free stuff back. People assume you have it easy and that everything in your life must be good. If you talk about things that are going wrong in your life, people don’t take you seriously. Some men do weird things, like telling you they just want to be friends and then telling other people, behind your back, that you’re an item, and then going farther with the backstabbing if you stand up for yourself. You get stalked. People act mean because they want to “take you down a notch”. You get attacked in a lot of weird ways. However, it is possible to mitigate some of this by being really nice and genuine and straight forward with people. Overall, people who are considered conventionally attractive probably do have it easier.

      When I was considered less attractive, people were mean too, but in different ways and for different reasons. And I think my work was taken more seriously and I wasn’t thought to have an easy life. But although my work was taken more seriously, fewer doors opened. Fewer people wanted me around. However, the ones who did liked me for me.

      But there are always other factors at play too. It’s hard to say whether this stuff would apply to other people or not.

  51. Free Meerkats*

    I’m going down to a hospital to visit with a friend today. And I’m pissed at the world. She was diagnosed with Hodgkins when she was pregnant; now her son is 4 yo and she’s on her third go ’round of chemo and second marrow transplant pending.

    This is the woman I mentioned before here who’s boyfriend and kid’ s dad told her not to come home after her last transplant. Since then, she’s found love with a good man, married, and raising her son and his together.

    So it was all looking good, and now the relapse. Cue the Endless Screaming Into the Void.

    1. fposte*

      Ah, crap, Gene. An acquaintance of mine, just getting back to reasonable functioning after being hit by a car as a pedestrian a couple of years ago, has been diagnosed with terminal, highly aggressive cancer (not sure what kind–they initially thought it was breast cancer because that’s where the first tumor was found but it isn’t). Cancer seems to be co-morbid with can’t-catch-a-break disease.

      1. StellaBella*

        Hugs to both you, fposte and to you, free meerkats (if you want them). A dear friend of mine has been battling bone cancer for two years (after 5 years bring free from breast cancer), and is in the hospital again….screaming into the void is what I have been doing too, today… as this woman is an angel and so is her husband and the lack of fairness in life sometimes really gets to me and I don’t know how to square this. I hope for both of you that your friends know that you care for them and that the world is kind to them in the coming stressful time.

      2. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

        Hug for both of you, fposte and Gene. I don’t have adequate words… but know I understand a little. IT IS UNFAIR. (shouting into the void with you). I won’t mention my story, not helpful except that we did have more time than anticipated. Again, thinking of both of you.

    2. MattKnifeNinja*

      As horrible as it sounds, that ex boyfriend did her a huge favor.

      For every cancer story that has everyone rallying around supporting the patient, I’ve seen divorce paper serviced while the person is hooked up to chemo. Worse yet, the spouse or SO has completely checked out, so the person is there, but not really.

      Praying your friend hits remission soon.

      1. London Calling*

        Yes, my ex H decided that the best way to deal with my condition that turned out not to be cancer was to sleep with his secretary. Did I mention that he’s an ex?

    3. Not So NewReader*

      The longer we go the more of this unfairness we see. There seems to be the constant reminder that life is not only fragile but it’s also finite. Like we really need those reminders.

      This week my friend called. “Can you come over right now?” Of course, I can. When I got there she said, “He’s fallen before. But this time it’s different. I don’t know why. Something is very wrong.” He could not smile, he could not speak clearly when he ordinarily does speak clearly. We called 911.
      Because of my friend’s quick action in pulling in other people her husband is still alive.

      PSA time:
      Questions to ask the check for a possible stroke:
      1) Can they smile?
      2) Can they speak clearly?
      3) Can they raise BOTH (not just one) arm above their heads?
      4) Can they repeat any simple sentence?
      5) If they stick out their tongue is it curled to one side or the other?

      If the answer to any ONE of these questions is NO, call 911 immediately. He had 3 NOs.

      I read the questions years ago. I did not think I would remember them. When it happens to some one and you can see it, it’s much easier to remember than it seems at first glance. If you tell the 911 operator that you think the person had a stroke, the operator will go over the questions with you on the phone, also.

      My thoughts go out to those who have people who are ill and suffering tonight.

  52. FD*

    I want to learn to sew and I’ve just acquired a heavy old secondhand sewing machine from Goodwill.

    I’ve wanted to learn how to sew for years but I have kind of a mental block about it for various reasons that mostly boil down to feeling embarrassed that I don’t know how to read ‘simple’ patterns, etc. Even the simplest patterns from the shop seem overwhelming to me.

    Can anyone recommend resources for learning to sew from the very, very beginning? Especially things that teach you the fundamentals and don’t assume you already know all the terms?

    1. Free Meerkats*

      There’s a book called “complete dressmaking skills” by Lorna Knight. It assumes zero knowledge, has very clear illustrations and text, and has QR codes and urls that link to videos. I picked it up at Half Price Books to relearn some basics that were giving me trouble when making costumes.

      https://www.amazon.com/Complete-Dressmaking-Skills-Exclusive-Teaching/dp/1438003560/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1542479409&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&keywords=complete+dressmaking+skills&dpPl=1&dpID=51S51ohXR6L&ref=plSrch/

    2. Glomarization, Esq.*

      The only reason I know how to make a besom pocket is Saint Nancy Zieman. Link to videos in my handle; you may have to dig for the very, very basics. Otherwise google for her “Sewing with Nancy” books for some Sewing 101 stuff.

    3. CurrentlyLooking*

      I took a class at the local JoAnn fabrics. It was a beginners class and included how to read patterns (which is not easy to do!)

      2. Not So NewReader*

        The nice people at JoAnn’s will also help you find the beginner’s patterns. They want you to succeed so you will come back and buy more materials to make stuff.
        Get on their mailing (email?) list. You will get coupons, usually they have a coupon for x % off regular priced merchandise. This is how you can cost effectively build up your collection of sewing tools.

        If you want to start in the privacy of your own home, you can try this: When I learned to sew they gave us paper with lines or circles on it. Some one had drawn the lines/circles for us. We did NOT use thread. We just ran the paper through the machine and tried to follow the predrawn lines with the needle of the machine. This gave us the opportunity to feel the machine run- get used to the pedal, get used to guiding the fabric (paper at that point) through the machine and get used to the sound and vibration of the machine.
        You do not have to thread the machine to do this. You do have to figure out how to plug it in and where you would like to set it up.

        What is the brand of your machine? Did you get an owner’s manual with it? If no, you may be able to find it for free online.

        1. FD*

          I found a heavy old Kenmore 1340. I don’t know how old it is, but it feels like it’s about 50 lbs. It came with a manual. (I wanted to find a used but older machine because I feel the new ones are too complicated. We’ll see if that’s famous last words.)

          It actually came with a manual and there seems to be a lot of documentation about them online.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            I just got into a big discussion with the guy who sold me my current machine. He runs a biz so he has seen a lot. A heavy machine is what you want. That means that the parts are metal not plastic, as the plastic ones break in a heart beat and it costs all kinds of money to get them repaired constantly. So heavy is very good.

    4. Reba*

      Is a class an option for you? There are seeing instructors who teach privately and through stores. I’ve only ever had two in person lessons, but a lot of stuff with sewing is just hard to explain it words, so it helps!

      Also it’s worth noting that not all patterns are created equal! Some pattern designers do a lot more teaching, with step by step instructions, well labeled pattern pieces etc. Many independent pattern designers produce detailed sew-along guides and videos! So that’s what I’d look for–in fact what I do look for when I plan projects for myself. I recently did the Patti Pocket Skirt from Amy Nicole, (not totally beginner) and I learned a lot from her methods.

      I have also heard good things about Seamwork, although a lot of their learning materials are through subscription.

      When I’m trying to figure something out, for example recently it was an exposed zipper, I usually watch several video and blog tutorials to see different methods and kind of triangulate my own.

      I hope you have fun! Let us know what you make! My next project (after a bunch of alterations) is a kimono type jacket with some hand woven fabric.

      1. FD*

        Classes would be logical, but I can’t work it right now due to scheduling and transportation issues. I’ll check out the others though!

      2. Free Meerkats*

        Yes, avoid Burda patterns like the plague. They are nightmares for beginners and even some experienced sewers. The Safety Monitor costume was originally going to be from a Burda pattern, but the woman who was making it for me, who has been sewing for over 50 years, refused to continue with it after 4 hours making a pocket.

        1. TheTallestOneEver*

          Wish I’d seen this post weeks ago. I’m trying to re-learn (after getting a sewing badge in Girl Scouts, taking Home Ec in high school and recently taking a class at a local fabric store, it still hasn’t stuck). I bought a beginners Burda pattern and have spent the better part of the afternoon watching Youtube videos trying to learn how to do a pleat.

    5. Mehhhh*

      YouTube. Starting simple… sew squares together. Good scissors. Measure twice cut once. Don’t be embarrassed! There’s no “should know” these days. It should be fun and it’s only fabric and string. When you’re frustrated remind yourself of that. :)

    7. Notthemomma*

      I just want to throw out there to have your sewing machine tuned up by a professional- any sewer or craft store in your area can recommend one. A well running machine will make a world of difference

    9. HannahS*

      If you can afford it, take a beginner class–the kind where you make a pillowcase or a pencil case or basic gathered skirt (if you’d like one, of course). I learned the very, very basics (how to sew a seam) from my mom, but my garment sewing was learned from the internet and books. It was terribly inefficient; I wasted a lot of fabric making mistakes that I would not have made if I’d had a kindly person looking over my shoulder and saying things like, “Those measurements are the size of the finished piece.” Or, “That unlabeled circle on the pattern is the bust apex.”

    10. Windchime*

      I have been watching tons of videos from The Crafty Gemini on youtube, and she is amazing. This particular series (link below) walks you through all steps of sewing a simple top. Even if you don’t want to sew this particular top, the videos are super helpful. She spends an entire episode showing how to read the pattern envelope! Check her out; I’m absolutely hooked on her teaching style and love her videos.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ydb70aMP1IM&t=6s

    11. SignalLost*

      I can’t help with the fundamentals – I’ve been sewing far too long – but once you do get to patterns, get one for a messenger bag or a sewing tote. The pattern pieces for those are basically just big squares. Also, smaller squares. Possibly some medium squares.

      If you aren’t sure what your pieces look like, take the instructions out of the pattern envelope. The front page will have line art of whatever the pattern is for, and then when you unfold it, you’ll see all the pieces with a key to explain what’s what. Unless you are the kind of person who can refold maps on the fly, make sure you’re in the booklet, not the pattern here. The booklet is newsprint; the pattern is brownish tissue.

      It’s a mug’s game buying patterns full price. Watch for sales and stock up. I keep lists of patterns I want by brand and supplies I need in my phone. In an ideal world, this will mean I never wind up at the grocery store after midnight because I need six inches of black thread again.

      Use good scissors for fabric. Everyday scissors will get dull quick and may damage your fabric.

      Know that everyone has an opinion and just because they do X doesn’t mean it’s better than what you do or more right or whatever.

    12. Colette*

      What do you want to sew? If it’s clothes, patterns are important, but if it’s just sewing in general, you can start with something simpler – for example, a cup holder that wraps around a takeout coffee cup so your hand doesn’t get hot, or a small cosmetic bag.

      Quick tips on patterns:
      – there are triangles on the pattern pieces – cut those away from the piece, not into. (They are notches to help you match pieces.
      – many pieces have a line with an arrow on each end. Put a pin through the piece and fabric along one end, then measure from the line straight to the edge of your fabric. Remember the measurement, then move the pattern piece so that the other end of that arrow is the same distance away from the corresponding spot on the edge of the fabric.
      – on that note, most of the time, you should be cutting your pieces out with the selvedges together. (The selvedges are the edges of your fabric, not the end they cut when you bought the fabric.)
      – the pattern will tell you what you need to buy, as well as what kind of fabric will work.
      – when you’re starting, something like polar fleece is easy to work with; knits, chiffons, silk, are harder.
      – back stick a couple of stitches at the beginning and end of each seam.

    13. Dr. Anonymous*

      I love an older book called Painless Sewing from Palmer Pletsch. The McCall’s Learn to Sew patterns are reasonably basic as well. Check to see if there is a beginner book or video series from the late Nancy Zieman, a very approachable teacher who had a PBS series for many years. I found David Paige Coffin pretty complicated even though his instructions are clear.

      You can use old sheets from the thrift store to make a test version of a garment to practice on so you won’t be worried about messing up your good fabric.

      Change your needles often, clean and oil your sewing machine regularly, and thread your machine with the presser foot (the little foot the fabric goes under) UP. You may enjoy the Sewing Out Loud podcasts even though they are not completely for beginners, and they have a pretty supportive Facebook group as well.

      You will have fun, and also there is totally crying in sewing. There is also great joy and madness. I’m excited for you!

  53. Zona the Great*

    I’ve been racking my brain trying to recall the name of something and need your help. Sarah Richardson had a show where she renovated a house in the woods near a lake. She built a small little out-building that was essentially a tiny little cabin big enough for only a bed and folks could sleep out there in nature. It had a very specific name. I believe it was named for a lake in Canada. A something-house or something-room. I cannot find it inline. Anyone know?

    1. fposte*

      I’m not finding it (I’m finding lots on Sarah’s Rental Cottage, which I believe is the show you’re referring to, but like you nothing about an outbuilding), but maybe it’s an established Canadian term that some of our Canadian posters might know?

      1. Zona the Great*

        I actually once successfully googled it. I could’ve sworn the name started with a W but I had no luck. Canada! This American needs you!

    2. GoryDetails*

      I don’t know the answer, but it reminded me of the “Getaway” business that appeared on a Shark Tank episode; they rent tiny little cabins for getaway purposes, and the buildings sound like what you’re describing. Doesn’t help with terminology, but at least Richardson isn’t the only person who’s made buildings like that!

    3. Winter Red*

      I found a website for Sarah’s Cottage which talks about renovating a cottage which includes a section titled Bunkie, in which the photos look like what you describe. Could that be it?

      2. Zona the Great*

        OMSqueee….thats it, Winter! A Muskoka Room! Thank you thank you!! Don’t they just seem so flipping cool?

    4. HannahS*

      I’m glad you found it! I was about to regretfully inform you that Ontario alone has 250 000 lakes.

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Sophie is on the left and Wallace is on the right. Wallace is Sophie’s kitten. (Although Sophie is basically a kitten herself; she’s only 11 or 12 months old.)

        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          Ha, last week’s picture was taken when they were still in their foster home — they hadn’t sat still long enough for me to get one of them together at that point! So it was older. But today’s is from this week. He is growing really rapidly though — he’s already bigger than he was when we adopted them two weeks ago.

          1. JamieS*

            Oh, I was wondering. I thought maybe the angle of the pic and not being directly by Sophie made him look significantly bigger on this one. Are they almost the same size yet? Looks like he’s getting close.

            1. Ask a Manager* Post author

              He’s still smaller. When he stretches out, he can make himself really long, but his frame is much smaller than hers. I can pick him up in one hand because he’s so narrow. But she’s a really small cat, so I think he’ll overtake her soon.

              Oh, and I see I didn’t answer the earlier question about total number of cats now, which may have been intentional on some level. We … have five now. We never intended to have more than two and I told my husband (who would have 10 if he could) a couple of weeks ago that we absolutely were not getting a pair, so I don’t know how this happened.

              1. Red*

                It just happens like that! I didn’t think I’d get a cat when I moved to an apartment that allowed them, but a cat chose my husband to be her person, so we had to adopt her. Then, a year later, a different cat chose me. We no longer associate with adoptable cats, for fear of this happening again. We’re at max capacity :)

                1. Anon Anon Anon*

                  I was planning on getting a small dog after finding a good job in my new city. A pit/lab mix puppy found me before I found a job. It was love at first sight. Two years later, he’s snuggled up beside me and I’m still job hunting!

              2. atexit8*

                So, I had a good laugh.

                Usually it is the wife who is the cat mom, but it sounds like in your household, it’s a cat dad!
                :-D

                I live vicariously through other people’s pets and my once a week volunteering at a no-kill rescue.

                2. SignalLost*

                  Tell Bast to send the next one my way! I’m super indecisive about pets – as in I’ve been planning to maybe sort of fosterdopt an adult cat for a couple of years (foster if it doesn’t get on with my current cat, adopt if it does) and there have been a couple of close calls, but I think I need a cat to find me.

              4. Red Reader*

                I told my guys (in my household, I’m the dog person, my husband is a cat person who loves my dogs, and my brother is a sucker for anything animal) no more critters. We had my two dogs and brother’s cat when we moved in. Somehow now husband has two cats and brother has two cats and a ball python. I don’t even know. (And they glower at ME when I look at the list of adoptable dogs at the Humane Society.)

              5. Elizabeth West*

                Well you have a bigger house now. When people move into a bigger house, they tend to fill it up with more stuff. In your case, you’ll have to fill it up with more cats. :)

  55. Nervous Accountant*

    Exactly 5 years ago I shared a post called 5 years back, 5 years forward. I had a rough time in my 20s, and was at the brink of change that year). I worked hard and achieved the goals I set out to achieve. Every year this post shows up in my Memories on Facebook, and I have been planning for years to write something for today. Except. What can I say? Anything that happened, good or bad, is eclipsed by the loss of my father this year and whatever the hell it is I’m going through now.

    2. HannahS*

      I’m sorry. The day is running out, I know, but I think if you still wanted to share something, you could share that sentiment. Or you can think of how in five years, you’ll be both ten years past the setting of those goals and five years past where you are now. At that point you may feel you can share your pride in who you were in 2018; that you accomplished the goals you’d set for yourself and then weathered a tragic loss.

    3. Anono-me*

      I think that you are an amazingly strong person.

      -You achieved impressive goals.
      -You are not only surviving an incredibly difficult experience, but actually struggling forward with grace and kindness. (It is easy to be kind when life is easy. It takes a special type of emotional strength to be kind when life is hard and you are hurting.)

      I say write about the goals you have accomplished. Write about your father. Then write about the emotional journey you are on and where you hope to be in the future.

    4. Traffic_Spiral*

      It’ll be better once you get away from your mother. Focus on getting her out of your house and into your brother’s – or hell, anywhere! Literally anything would be better than what you have now. Deceive if you have to. Have her visit your brother and then just have her stuff delivered with an “I need a break for a bit” and just never let her back in.

      “Oh, but she’ll be angry with me” – she’s angry with you now! Seriously, this shit is like reading an epistolary horror novel! You’re watching the patterns in the yellow wallpaper while Mrs. Danvers keeps giving you shit and you’re starting to see a woman in white out of the corners of your eye.

      Ruuuun!

    5. Anon Anon Anon*

      I think you could say what you said here – that you accomplished everything but you’re currently going through a tough time because of the loss of your father. I think a lot of people would find that relatable, including finding it harder than usual to think of things to say. I used to be more reluctant to post personal things online, but I’ve realized that it makes a positive difference for anyone who’s going through something similar – at minimum, it lets them know they’re not alone, and it can offer a fresh perspective. And sometimes people surprise you by reaching out and being really nice. That’s just my take on it. You could also wait until later to share the post and then explain why you waited. Don’t worry about it too much.

  56. No Green No Haze*

    Can anyone recommend some fingerless gloves for a cold workplace?

    I’ve got an upcoming project that will require long stretches of fast accurate typing in an chilly room. Lightweight, plain black preferably. I’ll be websurfing of course, but if someone swears by a particular brand or make, I’d love to hear about it.

    1. Zona the Great*

      I used to work QA in a FedEx warehouse. Always got my light weight fingerless gloves at Target.

    2. Red*

      It sounds ridiculous, but I love those cheap stretchy knit ones you can buy at places like Target. At least, I think I got mine from Target last year… Anyway, they get the job done, and you can just throw them out when they get gross-looking because they’re so cheap. They’re also way more comfortable than you’d think, because there are absolutely no seams.

    3. HannahS*

      I used to buy the thin, cheap knitted ones at the dollar store or Wal-mart-like stores and cut off the finger tips.

    5. GhostWriter*

      In the past, I’ve searched for black knitted “magic” fingerless gloves (they’re the one-size stretchy ones) on Amazon and eBay. I was always able to find packs or lots of 6 or 12, and buying in bulk made them cheap. It was nice to have a lot of them because I’d be able to put on a fresh pair every few days and then I’d throw them all in the wash.

  57. Earthwalker*

    My dad got in internal infection and chose to forego treatment two weeks ago. Hospice was called in immediately and they were wonderful for the three days that followed before his death. I drove out of state to spend those last few days in his room with him. Then I raced through the funeral home matters to get on the road back home to get my husband off on his flight for out of state medical care. My husband came back and we drove to Dad’s place to clear out his apartment. As soon as we can get both cars loaded and driven home my husband will be scheduled for an additional medical procedure for which we both need to fly out east. When we get home after all that I want some serious hygge. Does anybody have a good idea for what a worn out person might do for some coziness in early winter? I need something to look forward to.

    1. fposte*

      Oh, Earthwalker, what a hard time; I’m so sorry. Food, media (TV/movies/music), small house purchase that would feel like a treat? Fluffy socks and excellent slippers (I like the L. L. Bean Wicked Good slippers)?

      1. Earthwalker*

        Thank you! Yes indeed. Dad left me a delightful collection of thick woolly socks that I am already enjoying, and remembering how when Dumbledore saw his reflection in the mirror of Erised, he saw himself wearing warm socks.

    2. CAA*

      I am sorry for the loss of your father. This sounds like an incredibly stressful time. For winter coziness, I think nothing beats a good book, a fuzzy blanket, and a warm sweet drink — hot chocolate, spiced cider, fancy coffee or tea — your choice if you spike it with alcohol. Take care of yourself.

    3. Jean (just Jean)*

      Couch, tea in a teapot, favorite mug, stack of cozy mysteries or whatever you like to read…or a stack of available movies via electronic pipeline or in your preferred physical media format (DVD, video cassettes, 16mm film cans, or your own personal theatre troupe :-) ). Oh, and some pillows, a footstool, and lap blankets. And a relatively clean and tidy home surrounding all of the above.

      I’m sorry about your Dad. I hope the intervening time is kind to you and your husband.

    4. Washi*

      This sounds so stressful. I like candles and strings of twinkly lights and putting bunches of pine branches in to vases for some color. (I just find them on the ground, not sure if you live somewhere that’s doable.)

    5. This Daydreamer*

      I just got a weighted blanket and freaking love it. I’d there a craft that you love or would love to learn? Maybe you could knit yourself a soft scarf or shawl.

      I am so sorry for your loss.

    6. Jaid_Diah*

      A bunch of battery powered remote control candles (Amazon sells a set of nine for $26), an electric throw or chenille-something warm and soft. Chai tea, maybe with a slug of liquor. A documentary on whatever, maybe narrated by David Attenborough.
      My sympathies. Earthwalker

      1. Parenthetically*

        Yes! Nature documentaries are so cozy. There’s also the wonderful SlowTV train trip across Norway in real time. Glorious.

      1. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

        Hug and my sympathy too. Don’t forget scent… and warm water. Hot bath, lavender or other crystals in it… buy a new (or dig out that one you’ve been “saving”) rich body lotion and do a foot rub. Sound… the background instrumentals you find most soothing. (or nature sounds). And yes to the heated throw or heated mattress pad, mug of cocoa, and maybe even new flannel jammies. (LL Bean…)

    8. Harriet J*

      My deepest sympathies.
      In addition to all the wonderful suggestions, do you have pets who can curl up with you? If not, and you do like animals, can you borrow one? One friend had a regular routine where she would come to our house after chemo treatments and nap with our cats (her husband was allergic).
      Best wishes to your husband – I hope his treatments go well.

    9. Woodswoman*

      I’m so sorry to hear this painful news. Nature documentaries work well for me. I think it’s important to remember that there’s beauty in the world. Watch them witha comfy blanket and a sweet warm drink like apple cider or hot chocolate. I also find hot baths in low light–candles, a flashlight, etc.–are soothing. I wish you and your husband the best.

  58. Aurora Leigh*

    How do you guys get your caffeine fix?

    My boyfriend and aren’t coffee drinkers and we’d like to cut back on soda. (He likes Mt. Dew and I like Cherry Pepsi).

    Are there high caffeine teas we should try?

    1. Red*

      Black teas are typically the highest-caffeine teas out there. If you’re used to Mountain Dew and Pepsi, it may still take multiple cups for you to get the amount of tea that you’re used to, though. You can look up the caffeine content of different types of tea online, if that would be helpful for you.

    2. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Based on a quick search, home brewed black tea can be 30-70 mcg of caffeine. Sodas average about 30 mcg for the same volume.

      If you are looking to replace caffeinated plus cold (I find hot beverages to be a different experience personally), you can make your own ice tea. We have a Mr Coffee drip brewer for ice tea that’s pretty good. Or you can do a French press (for loose) or sun tea (basically just leave it on your counter) then refigerate in a pitcher.

      Roobios or herbal won’t usually have caffeine. Green tea does though maybe less than black.

      1. LilySparrow*

        When I make iced tea, I use a quart-sized Pyrex measuring cup. I put 6-8 tea bags in, along with some sugar. Then I fill with boiling water and steep about 5 minutes. I put a quart of cold water in the pitcher and then add the steeped tea. It steeps and chills quicker that way.

        If you like it strong, you add less cold water.

    5. Buu*

      Try Matcha lattes buy proper matcha and not the cheapo green tea bags. You’ll also get a more even buzz than coffee or soda.

      1. stellaaaaa*

        Yes, this. I drink tea (not matcha) all the time, all hours, and the caffeine doesn’t seem to affect me, but I once ordered an iced matcha latte at 4pm because I was hot, and I was all jittery and could but sleep all night. It was delicious though, so I will get another some hot day whenI can get to the place to drink it down before 10am.

    6. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      This seems incredibly strange to some people, but I buy caffeine pills. When my caffeine intake varies it can trigger migraines, and this way I know exactly how much I’m getting. Obviously not a great idea if you’re going to be drinking teas with notable caffeine content on top of that, but if you find you prefer white and herbal teas (or fruit infused water!) it’s a reliable way to get that extra kick when you need it.

  59. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

    After coming back from desert hiking, I got a bad eczema/dry skin raw rash on shoulder blades.

    Before that, my eyes took forever to heal and are ok only after I gave up contacts and took copious antibiotics. (Right eye still has a corneal scar from lens wearing with dry skin, and I never wear contacts more than 8hrs/d.

    Basically, my body’s falling apart and trying to fix itself. I drink plenty of water, have nutritious noms, get copious sleep.

    Anybody else feel like their body has a vendetta? Any self-care ideas? I tried an oatmeal bath, but my skin didn’t like it…

    (Also: got a new apt 2019, new glasses, new objay pending background check…)

    So much fun exciting stuff, and I’m so exhausted trying to fight every chronic condition off. #endrant

    1. Girl friday*

      Sounds like you still may not be drinking enough water? Try 3/4 of a gallon a day for a month or so and see if that helps. Everything dehydrates everybody in the winter- indoors and out.

    2. GhostWriter*

      What’s an objay?

      Do you have trouble getting lotion on your shoulder blades? If so, I would recommend a backstroker lotion applicator (it comes up if you google it). It’s basically a long strip of neoprene-like material. You put lotion in the middle, hold each end, and rub it back and forth across your back. I’ve been using one for a year and I can’t imagine getting lotion on my back without it.

      I visited a relative in a desert state recently and the extreme low humidity wreaked havoc on my skin. I returned to my high humidity home a few weeks ago, but it was starting to get cold, which normally makes my skin more sensitive. So struggling to get my skin to stop peeling/flaking. I’m going to try to use more heavy duty products. (Go from using a gel to a lotion on my face, and from lotion to cream on my body.)

    3. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

      ….and neck/lower back of head spasms that feel like muscles scrunching then releasing 2 sec later. On couch with heating patch…:((((

    4. Wishing You Well*

      The rash should be diagnosed if you’ve had it for too long. Maybe it’s time for a checkup – a blood workup might be a good idea. Review any meds you’re taking for side effects; dry skin/dry eyes/dry mouth is a common one. Those “copious antibiotics” probably did a number on your gut bacteria which affects your immune system. Ask your medical person to recommend a really good probiotic – don’t buy any old probiotic off the shelf. Nobody likes going to the doctor, but sometimes you just have to.
      My best non-medical recommendation is “Working Hands” lotion. It’s for “extremely dry, cracked” skin. I use it to keep my fingers from cracking and bleeding in the winter. Get the tub, NOT the squeeze tube. The tube is too hard to squeeze and a lot of lotion is left behind when the tube is “empty”.
      Best Wishes for a MUCH Better 2019!

      1. Woodswoman*

        First, hello from another desert hiker! I’m hoping to visit Joshua Tree National Park in February. When I’m in the desert, my skin gets so dry that I slather on lotion a few times a day.

        You might still be dehydrated especially if you’re in a cold climate with indoor heat. There’s an adage in wilderness medicine about knowing if you’re drinking enough water. Basically if your urine is clear, you’re in good shape. If it’s faintly yellow you’re okay. But if it’s bright yellow or brown, you are definitely dehydrated and need to drink more water. A caveat–if you’re taking vitamins that can mess with the color.

        I second the suggestion to see a doctor in case there is more going on that you may need to address. Also, when I had taken multiple antibiotics, my doctor recommended the probiotic PB-8, manufactured by Nutrition Now. I have since shared it with someone else with the same problem who found other probiotics didn’t work for her and she had success. You may want to check it out.

        Hope you feel better soon, and look forward to hearing about the new place-we-don’t-talk-about-on-weekends.

  60. Woodswoman*

    This is an update to my post a couple weeks ago about the dog in the apartment upstairs from me that regularly cries and barks when his person is away. As it turned out, I didn’t have to initiative a conversation with my new neighbor because she brought it up herself. She wants her dog to be happier and doesn’t want to disturb me, and she is actively looking for a dog trainer. She also is considering installing a camera in her place to can see for herself what the dog is doing when she’s at work.

    I shared some of the things that people here had suggested and she appreciated the ideas. A positive that has come out of this is talking more with my neighbor and getting to know her. She’s a cool person. Thanks to everyone for your help.

    1. Rebecca*

      Thanks for posting the positive update. One of my coworkers has some sort of camera so they can keep an eye on their dog via smartphone. It’s pretty cool.

  61. LK03*

    Looking for German-language winter holiday music CD recommendations!

    Someone here recommended Rolf Zuckowski’s “Liederbuechermaus” album of (mostly) traditional kid’s music a while back — we found a copy, and our toddler *loves* it and (crucially, ha) so do we. We’d love to find something similar for Christmas or holiday music: traditional-ish songs (rather than, say, Christmas pop), but not necessarily only religious in theme, with vocals (maybe by kids?) to encourage vocabulary-learning. And enjoyable musical settings so as not to drive the adults bonkers. Any suggestions? Vielen Dank!

    1. Parenthetically*

      I am SO EXCITED that I can help with this one! A parent sang with both of these groups in the 70s and I have them on vinyl.

      Der Klingende Adventskalender by Die Shaumburger Marchensanger (sorry, no umlauts on my keyboard) — all German songs
      Christmas Songs by The Obernkirchen Children’s Choir — mostly German, the occasional English song.

      I grew up listening to both of these records and can attest to their charm. Adventskalender is particularly sweet. They’re both children’s choirs and not all sacred music but all wintery/holiday-y.

      1. LK03*

        Oh, these sound wonderful! Thank you for the recommendations. And how neat that you have a family connection.

        1. Souris anonyme*

          Hello LKo3,
          I hope that I can help, too.
          You can look up “Bald nun ist Weihnachtszeit” – those are Christmas songs from East Germany. They were recorded in former GDR, so there are not many religious songs on it. The songs themselves are sung by different children’s choirs.
          (I grew up in East Germany just after the fall of the Berlin wall, so these songs accompanied me during my childhood.)

    2. An Elephant Never Baguettes*

      Zuckowski has winter/holiday songs as well! I think if you ask someone of my generation to name a Christmas song off the top of their head, chances are it’s going to be ‘In der Weihnachtsbäckerei’. They’re (often, but not always) Christmas-y but not overly religious.

      A quick google search for Zuckowski Weihnachtslieder should yield results – there’s been a lot of albums over the years! Winterkinder, Dezemberträume, Es schneit, Weihnachtsbäckerei….

      1. LK03*

        Ha, I actually just disencountered covered “In der Weihnachtsbäckerei” online tonight, and ordered a copy. Glad to know you’d recommend it too! Thanks for the suggestions.

  62. Sparkly Lady*

    tl;dr: How do people come to acceptance with mildly painful situations that they’ve given up on changing?

    Longer version: I live in a place that I do not like because of family reasons that are unlikely to change within the next 5 years. I’ve never been able to find a solid community here. Every time I seem to make a positive improvement in my life situation, external changes happen resulting in being set back to square 1. For whatever reason, I just don’t fit. I’ve spent a LOT of time and energy trying to create the change I want, and I’m now really, really tired of that. I don’t want to keep tilting at that windmill.

    Meanwhile, one of my hobbies keeps me in contact with a community that I am actively excluded from. I can’t avoid this contact without giving up the hobby. The hobby gives me a lot of pleasure. Right now, the balance of the pleasure from the hobby/pain from being excluded is still in favor of doing the hobby, so I don’t want to quit.

    Given that I don’t want to try and change the external situation anymore, I want to try to care less about the exclusion. But how do you get yourself to care less about something that’s a real loss?

    1. fposte*

      Sorry, Sparkly, that’s a tough question, and I think a lot of us have wrestled with versions of it. I think you grieve the loss, but I also think you make an effort to fill your life with unrelated gains–you hike, or garden, or knit, or run, or take classes, or other things that can be satisfying without finding a community outside of the activity. Can you list some new things you might like to explore and that you’d genuinely look forward to doing?

    2. FD*

      I think for me, the thing that helps is to stop trying NOT to think about it. A lot of times, trying not to focus on something just makes you focus on it more (e.g. when you’re trying not to think about something that hurts, it’s basically all you can think about).

      I think it can help to acknowledge the things that suck and not try to pretend they don’t suck. But then, you can also frame it as, “Hey, it sucks that the [hobby] community is a jerk to me. But, I’m really proud of how I’m improving in [hobby], so I choose to keep going anyway.” It’s sort of a mix of acknowledging what hurts but also paying attention to the good parts.

      1. Asenath*

        I’m with this idea. I work on accepting whatever it is and that I have done what I can/am willing to do about it, and turn my mind to something else. And then I do it again and again, because sometimes I obsess a bit, and my mind keeps going back to whatever it is. I’ve found, in time, I need to do this less and less until someone mentions it or something brings it to mind, and I realize it’s nothing to me any more, just something in the past that I’ve gotten over.

        And something else – of course, I’ve had close friends and relations who have dealt with painful situations they can’t change. Sometimes, I admire and emulate the way they do it. Sometimes, I take the way they do it as a dire warning to find a different way. And sometimes, people being complicated like they are, the same person is sometimes someone I emulate, sometimes someone I use as a bad example.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      ugh. One exercise that has worked in the past for me is to say, “Okay, I am stuck with these givens. What opportunities are here that I may have missed and/or never had before in my life?”

      A stupid example. I had a very warm apartment. We were first off the steam boiler and it was 90 degrees all winter. We had two windows in our living room. One was a normal window. The other was a 12 foot by 8 foot monstrosity with a southern exposure. It dawned on me that I can think of hell fires with all this heat or I can think of greenhouses. I found some cheap tropical plants from Hawaii and I ordered a bunch. One of them was a vine that grew at the rate of greater than 8 inches a day. I would come home from work and pull it out of the blinds as it wove itself in between the blinds each day.

      In this kind of silly example, I had the opportunity to grow tropical plants in my own home with great success. I am skipping huge parts of the story about this apartment that were not good parts. The crazy plant story does help to balance the rest of the story and looking back on that apartment I can laugh about the crazy plants. I am glad I figured out that opportunity and took advantage of it. I will never have such ideal growing conditions again.
      Take a look with fresh eyes, what unique things are available to you right now that may not be available to you again in life? It does not have to be show-stopping or fantastic, it just has to be interesting to you.

    4. Sparkly Lady*

      Thanks all. This is some good stuff to think about.

      I think even though I’m so burnt out on trying to change the external situation, this makes me realize that one thing I do need to find a way is to get some kind of alternative benchmarks for progress on the hobby. The exclusion has shaken my confidence in my skills, and I’m in a bad feedback loop as a result where I’m nervous about showing what I do to other people, but this then demotivates me to work on improving. I have to resolve my current job situation, but once I do that, I should be able to pay for some private coaching.

  63. Dr. KMnO4*

    A few months back, someone I’ve been friends with for almost 20 years (we are in our early- to mid- 30’s) visited my husband and I. She was very self-centered during the visit- if it didn’t directly concern her she was disinterested and on her phone. She also teased me in a mean-spirited way a few times, which I was surprised and hurt by. The last day of her visit I had to go to work for a few hours; she went sight-seeing. When she got back to my house she made some extremely classist remarks about something she’d witnessed. I was stunned, especially since it seemed she believed I would agree with her. We argued, civilly I thought, but then she made some comments that were designed to be hurtful. We dropped it and she left the next morning. After her visit I realized that she hasn’t treated me well for a while, and that she only contacts me when she wants something. I decided to pull back from the friendship, and I realized that I don’t want to continue it. I’ve been trying to figure out how to tell her I don’t want to be friends anymore, but things have gotten complicated.

    She tried calling me a few times over the past couple of days. I just got a new phone and not all of my contacts were transferred so I didn’t recognize her number and I didn’t answer. She didn’t leave a message any of the times she called, but she finally texted me yesterday. She had a stroke. I texted her back, saying that it must be scary and that I hope she recovers quickly. She lives with her parents, so I know she has people who can help her with her medical needs.

    But now I don’t know what to do. I am (was?) one of her only friends, so I think she’ll try to keep reaching out to me. I wish her well, I feel terrible that she had a stroke, but I don’t feel like we really are friends anymore. It feels wrong to just ignore her calls/texts, but I just don’t want to get involved.

    Do I keep dodging her calls and just send surface level, polite texts? At some point, do I come out and say that I don’t want to be friends? Do I try to hash out the issues and see if there’s anything to salvage?

    1. Asenath*

      There’s a third option. You could visit her as you might any acquaintance who might need a bit of companionship at a scary time without actually labeling the relationship as a friendship, and without committing yourself to anything more. Eventually, when the immediate health crisis is over, you can find out if there’s a comfortable level to maintain the relationship – close friend and no connection aren’t the only options.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      She texted you so that gives you a small insight as to the extent of injury she may have had.

      Is there anyway that her jabs could have been health related? In other words was she having other symptoms that did not show as clearly as a stroke would? Some people have a high level of agitation just before a big health event.

      Can you do a fade out, where you just have less and less contact as opposed to just telling her good bye?

      Rehashes are not worth it unless someone is truly interested in salvaging the relationships. Rehashes are a lot of work. It sounds like you have had enough of this relationship.

      I am leaning toward a fade out, where it takes longer and longer for you to return calls/emails/texts. You can sprinkle in comments such as, “things are picking up at work, boy, it’s really busy” or “we are doing major renovations here and I just have so much going on..” Then after a bit you just don’t answer her.

      I do believe that with the way she was snipping at you, she probably won’t let you be of any major help to her anyway. So it’s not like “oh you should stay and help her”. She probably won’t let you. Just my guess, though.

    3. GhostWriter*

      If she hasn’t treated you well for awhile, only contacts you when she wants something, and was hurtful while visiting, it doesn’t sound like she was much of a friend anymore, so you don’t owe her anything. It’s not your problem that you’re one of her only friends and I don’t think her having a stroke should “complicate” things. If she hadn’t had the stroke and had plenty of friends, how would you have proceeded?

      I understand how it feels wrong to just ignore her (I myself feel guilty over things I shouldn’t feel guilty over), so, if it makes you feel better, I’d continue to ignore calls and just send polite texts as you’ve been doing, but take longer and longer to answer until you just stop. You’ve already decided you don’t want to be friends, so I don’t think attempting to hash out issues will do any good.

      2. neverjaunty*

        Yes. That she had something awful happen in her life doesn’t obligate you to be her friend or respond to her calls. A stroke is not something that gives her the right to command you to stay in her life.

        You know she’s got support, you already wished her well, there’s nothing whatsoever wrong with blocking her number.

  64. Anon anonymouse*

    What are some healthy snacks to have at the place we don’t talk about here? I try to have an apple or banana, but sometimes I reach for chips or crackers, which isn’t that healthy.

    1. WellRed*

      I like a bit of cheese to liven up that fruit. I also don’t think a few crackers once in awhile is unhealthy, or chips and salsa.

      1. GhostWriter*

        I try to “liven up” fruit too. Sometimes I put peanut butter on banana or apple slices, or get a cup of apple sauce and use flat pretzels to scoop it out. I’ve been eating dried fruit, fresh fruit or different flavors of apple sauce mixed with plain oatmeal recently.

      1. Kuododi*

        I love banana chips as well. The only wrinkle in the plan is the darn things are a very high sugar food. End result being, if a person is needing to monitor sugar intake for whatever reason, take that into account and try prebatching small snack amounts in baggies to keep in the desk at work. I personally try to keep something with protein on hand for the munchies time. ( Cheese sticks, almonds, beef jerky.). I find it keeps my sugars more effectively in check for a longer amount of time.

    4. Kathenus*

      Cut up raw veggies can be great because they are filling and crunchy which can satisfy some of the hunger urges. Can dip in hummus or low-fat dip if desired. Rice cakes in moderation. Baked chips in moderation. Yogurt.

      1. Woodswoman*

        This is my go-to as well, and the veggies I dip in hummus don’t need to be cut in advance. Baby carrots and green beans can be used whole. Crackers can be fine. In addition to hummus, I like crackers with low-fat cottage cheese.

    5. Lcsa99*

      I found that I did better with snacking when I kept a jar of peanuts in my desk. I could snack at them anytime rather than buying crackers or cheese.

    6. Jaid_Diah*

      I’ve been seeing seaweed snacks at the supermarkets. Basically, it’s a small package of sheets of nori. I eat them plain, others use them to make tiny little rice rolls. Ask at the help desk.

      Or kale chips. Look in the produce section. I like getting the “Vampire Killer” ones.

      Popcorn can be healthy, eaten in moderation.

    7. The New Wanderer*

      I have a giant bag of almonds to get rid of, so I bring a small container of those to work. I forget what an actual serving of almonds is, but it’s something that seems ridiculously small like 12 almonds, so I mix them with goldfish crackers so it feels more substantive (and salty!).

      I also like to make a trail mix of cheerios, mini-M&M’s or chocolate chips, and honey roasted peanuts. I don’t like dried fruit in general but craisins kind of work with that.

      1. blaise zamboni*

        It might depend on how they’re prepared (raw vs roasted) but iirc a serving of almonds is closer to 25. But it’s still not very much, so I do something similar to you and create a ‘trail mix’ of almonds, goldfish crackers, and raspberries or blackberries. It’s a great combination of crunchy, salty, and sweet.

    8. MuttIsMyCopilot*

      Dried veggies and veggie chips! I crave savory/salty/crispy/crunchy snacks and love veggie chips (usually sweet potato, beet, plantain) and veggies like green beans and okra. They’re fun to eat, stable at room temp, and not very calorie dense compared to things like nuts.

    9. Harriet J*

      I keep the snack size boxes of raisins in my drawer, along with almonds. Not sure if you have easy access to a fridge – I try to keep a stock of yogurt and apples. Of course, there is also an emergency supply of chocolate ;-)

  65. Tris Prior*

    Oof. You know, before we adopted kittens, I laughingly said to my boyfriend, “you do realize that we’re never going to sleep again.” Not laughing any more. Have been awake since 4 a.m. and I don’t think I’ve gotten more than 4-5 hours of sleep in a night since August. :(

    I’ve reached the age where if I’m awakened for any reason in the middle of the night, I can’t get back to sleep. If we shut the kittens out of the bedroom, there is howling, which also wakes me up, so that’s not really a solution. No room in our apartment with a door that shuts, that’s far enough away from the bedroom that we wouldn’t hear the howling. And we have a downstairs neighbor who complains about noise. And one of the kittens figured out how to open the bedroom door anyway. :/

    I love them so much but this has been rough. I really need a good 10 hours of sleep a night to feel OK (runs in my family, have been that way since childhood). The lack of sleep is making me stupid and slow and crabby.

    1. Trouble*

      My four are all between 18 months and 12 years now (1 at 18 months, 2 litter mates at 28 months and 1 at 12 years) and they mostly leave us alone at night now. My 28 month old male sleeps in our bed most nights, these days at my feet, used to be on me, but they don’t make noise or bother us most nights any more. They may well grow out of being noisy at night. My husband would have locked ours out of the bedroom at night but they clawed at the door/carpet to be let in which as you say was just as disruptive as just letting them in. But in our case, it got better. Fingers crossed for you.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Get a spritzer of water. Tell them “bed time”. Yes, they can learn this. When they tear across your bed, scratching you in the process, squirt the water just over their bodies. Droplets will fall and it’s the end of the world. After a bit all you have to do is pick up the spritzer. A while longer all you have to do is say, “bed time”.

      I have also gone the waterless route and kicked them out of the bedroom, shut the door and turned on some music.
      The worst offenders only required two nights of this and the change in behavior was dramatic.

      I will say, at one point I had two cats about the same age. Cats are nocturnal and they did love to chase each other through the house while we slept. Even the dog ignored their antics. So they just may need to run and burn off steam for a while.

      1. Tris Prior*

        I will try this, but so far the spray bottle has not been a deterrent for other things, like them getting on the kitchen counters. They don’t seem to mind getting sprayed, and 2 minutes later they’re back at it. They both seem to love water in general? Weirdoes!

        1. Slartibartfast*

          A can of computer air duster to ruffle the fur was the only thing that worked on my adorable asshole orange male. He liked to play with water, and the can full of pennies did nothing.

    3. GhostWriter*

      I’m not a cat owner so this might be stupid/obvious, but couldn’t you put them in a crate/cage in a room far away from your bedroom? Is it necessary for cats to have a whole room’s worth of space at night?

      I can’t get back to sleep after being woken at night either, and I’m a very light sleeper so I wake up a lot. I feel you there. :/

      1. Tris Prior*

        One of them hates being confined or having a door closed to him and he will HOWL until it is opened. I don’t have a crate, but I imagine the same thing would happen if I put him in there – and I can’t risk him disturbing the neighbor – who already complains a lot – so much that she complains to our landlord. (The pet rule in our building is, up to 2 cats are fine as long as they don’t disturb the other tenants.)

      2. ElspethGC*

        That’s not really workable given that cats are crepuscular – most active at dawn and dusk. If you watch a couple of Cole and Marmalade videos on YouTube, I think the most relevant one is called “What your cats do at night”, you’ll see that crating cats *really* isn’t feasible unless absolutely necessary. The reason they sleep so much during the day is that they wear themselves out at night. Given how much the average cat hates being confined even for ten minutes, confining them every night all night would honestly verge on cruel depending on the cat. Mine would probably just up sticks and leave in search of a more forgiving home if I even attempted it!

      3. Sylvan*

        Young cats tend to get the crazies and run about in the middle of the night. Trying to crate them would probably just get you the same kitty energy rush plus frustration at being crated, which would make a racket. :(

    4. Extra Vitamins*

      Play with them vigorously before bedtime. Keep them up during they day if you’re home. Yes they are nocturnal, but you can temporarily shift them. The suggestions for shutting them out, water and music also good.

      1. Tris Prior*

        Yeah, we try and keep them awake as much as we can on the weekends, and every night we give them a long play session. They love to chase toys up and down the stairs, and chase each other. When we’re gone at work all day though, I know they are sleeping (my landlord has told me so when he had to come in for repairs and I was afraid they would rush the door and get out – nope, out cold the entire time.)

    5. Sylvan*

      I’ve been trying to solve this problem with my own cats, who are very much not kittens. Someone explained online that they can have what looks like a hunt-eat-sleep pattern. So if you play with them and then feed them, they go to sleep. Just getting my cats on a meal schedule and not letting them free-feed has been helping a little bit. Could something like that work with kittens? Or could you leave a little food out at all times (growing kittens, after all) and give them most of their food in scheduled meals?

      1. Tris Prior*

        Yeah, I’m still trying to get the hang of how much to feed them. We adopted them pretty young (10 weeks!) and their little bellies couldn’t hold that much food at once so we free-fed them on our vet’s recommendation. Now they are 5 months and we still have dry food out all the time, but they probably could do with less of that. I think they are filling up on that, and then not being as into their wet food at mealtimes. And I’d rather them be on mostly wet, since it’s better for them. They still don’t eat a ton at once, though. They do well with small helpings of wet food throughout the day on weekends but I can’t do that while I’m gone for 10 hours a day at my job.

        I think I am going to start putting out less dry at a time, because when they’re grown I definitely want them on a schedule. So I’ll need to transition them to more regular mealtimes at some point. I can already tell that the boy is a little piggy who is likely to have portion control issues when he grows up! But I feel like since they are growing kittens, I don’t want to restrict their food intake just yet. Their growth has been on target according to our vet and she says they are at a healthy weight.

  66. AnonForNow*

    TL;DR: Am I the a**hole because my toddler makes noise?

    Going anonymous to avoid doxing myself. I live in an apartment that I own in A Major City. I had my first child two years ago. Only a few days after I came home from giving birth, I got a letter from my downstairs neighbor complaining about the noise of us walking above her bedroom at night. The baby wasn’t sleeping up there, but it was his room and we’d go in to change him. It was literally just the sound of footsteps. Despite being exhausted and still physically recovering from a traumatic labor, I wrote her a polite letter back and told her we’d try to limit walking there at night for the time being and we’d get a bigger rug and thick pad. We followed through on all of this.

    Fast forward a few months, the baby is now sleeping in his room, but wakes several times a night for feeding. Each time he’d wake, I’d go over immediately to feed him, so he was never crying for more than a minute. I’d sit on the bed in his room to nurse, put him back down, and leave. I get another letter from the neighbor. She claims emphatically is is NOT the sound of crying, but the sound of footsteps that wakes her. I am puzzled, since she is talking about someone walking barefoot over a thick wool rug in a simple there-and-back trip; there’s no pacing involved. It’s not any more sound than someone who’d need to get up to pee a few times a night. She acknowledged herself that there are structural issues with the building and strongly suggests wall-to-wall (I have objections to this for several health reasons) and even offers to split the costs. I apologetically informed her that we had already bought a larger, thicker rug that covered the whole floor and put a thick pad under it. The rug is so thick the bottom of the door sweeps against it when we open and close the door. She writes back that it is insufficient. I don’t really understand how wall to wall carpeting is going to muffle creaky floorboards any better than a thick rug that covers the whole floor. At this point I don’t really know what to do and I’ve been sleep deprived for months. I let communication lapse.

    Flash forward still further. My kid is now sleeping through the night, but wakes up at 4:30/5am, ready to go for the day. Yes, this is ungodly early. We tried everything to get him to sleep later. Nothing worked. Now we get another letter complaining about the early morning. We agree to take him out of his room as soon as he wakes up. A second version of this exchange happened some months later, when, immediately after having some medical issues, I was temporarily incapacitated and my husband was doing ALL the childcare. He slipped up and played with the baby in his room when he woke up instead of taking him to the living room. Again, in response to a letter she wrote, I was deeply apologetic and promised to keep him out of his room before 8am.

    We mostly adhere to this. However, it’s difficult. He wakes up early and sometimes by the time 8am rolls around he’s been wanting to go in his own room for three hours. It’s too early to take him outside this time of year at that hour of the morning. Today she thumped on the ceiling because he was playing somewhat noisily in his room at 8:15am. I’m anticipating another letter.

    Here’s how it is: he DOES wake up early, and he is a noisy person. He has the classic toddler heavy walk, he loves to run and jump and requires CONSTANT reminders to not do so, and sometimes he grabs something and throws it or bangs it on something before we can run over to take it away. I fully acknowledge that living downstairs from him must be tough. But he is not home 7:30-6:15 on weekdays, and he goes to bed at 8 and mostly sleeps till 5:30/6 these days. On weekends, he takes a three hour nap in the middle of the day, and one weekend day per week we are not home from mid-morning till after he falls asleep.

    We have many plush carpets with pads.

    What else can we be doing? I now live with a constant low-level dread of receiving another message from her.

    1. AnonForThis*

      Did I mention this is all taking place in A Major City, where midnight car alarms, 5am garbage trucks, sirens, people shouting in the street, etc are all part of daily life?

      1. Jaid_Diah*

        Ask Real Estate from the New York Times has columns discussing noisy children. It sounds like you’ve done all you can and your neighbor is going to have to put up with it. She could look to acoustic ceiling tiles, white noise machines, or sleep headphones for relief.

      2. Buona Forchetta*

        It sounds like you are already doing way more than most people would, and at the same time significantly compromising your and your family’s lives to try to appease your neighbor. And you own the place! If it were me I’d inform Neighbor that I was doing everything possible to minimize noise but this is the way it is with a small child, and I’d let her know that I would not be responding to any additional letters from her because there is literally nothing more to say. Honestly you sound like a dream neighbor. This is her problem.

        1. Kuododi*

          Oh my goodness….when DH and I were Apt dwellers in large Downtown Tourist City, we would have paid bribe $$ to have upstairs neighbors as considerate as OP! I won’t bore y’all with the story… suffice it to say a toddler who was a morning person would have been sweet blessed relief!!!

      3. Belle*

        Seems to me pretty normal noise for an apartment. You mentioned you own the apartments, could you not renew the downstairs lease and try to find someone who is more accepting of normal noise?

    2. exy*

      I’m on the opposite side of this. I too live in “A Very Major City” and the floors in my newly-constructed building seem like they’re made of cardboard, or something. We can hear every freaking footstep our upstairs neighbors take, and yes, it’s not fun. We know when they come home, when they have friends visiting, what time they wake up, whenever they have a party, or have friends over to watch a game (that’s the worst one). We’ve tried nicely asking them to walk softly (I know, it sounds terrible but what other option do we have? Besides “grit and bear it”? Which we do, for 90% of the time. The rest 10% of the time is when we cautiously, politely, kindly talk to them about it). We’ve tried talking to the building management too (we’re all renters) but to no avail. So I sympathize with your neighbor.

      That being said, you’re in an awful position. I’m sorry about your traumatic childbirth and the trouble putting the baby to sleep. It sounds like you’re doing what you can with getting the heavy rug, etc, which is extremely kind of you, and much more than our neighbors have done — we even offered to pay for carpeting their living room area (where they seemed to spend most of their time walking back and forth, for some godforsaken reason) but they declined the offer. So, I do appreciate your effort. I don’t know what more you can do, to be honest. I just wanted to chime in to say that having been on the other side of this, you are NOT an a*hole. Your neighbor is not an a*hole. It’s just a shitty situation.

      1. AnonForNow*

        I’m sorry about your neighbors. We hear a lot of (normal, non-exceptional) noise from our upstairs neighbors, so it really is at least in part just due to construction issues. I guess I’m often bothered by the tone of her letters, which are presumptuous (“I work long hours and don’t have the luxury of turning in early” …as if we DON’T both work full time and go to bed at ten because we have to be up at five or even earlier and don’t have the option of going back to sleep once we’re up, or moving to another room, or getting earplugs, etc). She also implies that we’re not doing anything and are inconsiderate, which feels unfair since we’ve actually invested time and hundreds of dollars in this situation. She says she can “tell” our floors aren’t adequately covered and has threatened to go to the co-op board. I’m not sure what she’d say to them, since we are more than compliant with house rules, but her letters have become antagonistic to me. It’s helpful to hear that even as someone suffering from neighbor noise, you have some sympathy, so thanks. As I said before, I really do understand that it’s noisy for her and that it’s hard.

        1. PetticoatsandPincushions*

          It seems like maybe YOU should be the one going to the coop board at this point. You’ve repeatedly taken steps beyond what most people would do in order to minimize a completely normal part of apartment living. It sounds like she is bordering on harassment at this point, you shouldn’t feel like you are living in the Quiet Place in your own home. Talk to the board, show them the communication you’ve had with her and the changed you’ve made in the house, and ask them to speak with the woman about options to soundproof her OWN apartment. I’ve lived in apartments almost my entire adult life. Part of living on a lower floor is the reality that you will hear other people and that, absent of people making obscene amounts of noise on a regular basis, it’s something you put up with.

          Caveat: I’m particularly sensitive to this because my first introduction to a downstairs neighbor once was them knocking on our door asking us to keep it down when we were LITERALLY moving furniture in on the day we arrived. He then told us we should tiptoe around the apartment since that’s part of living on a higher floor (so not true). All this before introducing himself/welcoming us to the house/any normal pleasantries. Best part was that he and his girlfriend used to get into screaming matches that drifted right up through our floors.

        2. Former Uran Resident, Current Rural Dweller*

          Can you preemptively document what you’ve done and submit it to the co-op board? It would put them on notice that you’re aware of the problem, have worked hard to mitigate it, and might be able to head off any unpleasantness if she were to complain. (I do not know at all how co-op boards work, so maybe this isn’t possible, but she’s basically already low-key accusing you of lying, so it seems like taking a proactive approach might help alleviate your concerns of a complaint being filed.)

          Also, it sounds to me like you’ve done everything reasonable and maybe she needs to sleep in a room that isn’t under the kid’s room or change something she’s doing. A certain amount of noise is baked into urban life, particularly apartment life.

      2. nonegiven*

        You couldn’t actually pay me to allow carpet to be installed in my house. I don’t like living with it and I don’t want to have to clean it.

        1. London Calling*

          Not having carpet installed in a flat is usually a breach of the lease terms, in the UK at least

    3. Woodswoman*

      You sound like terrific neighbors, responding thoughtfully to your downstairs neighbor’s requests. I’d be thrilled to have such considerate neighbors. At this point, you’ve done everything you can and it’s not your fault that you live in a building with creaky floorboards above her unit.

      You have a young child, and this is just how it’s going to be. It’s not reasonable to constrain his activities in his own room. At this point, I would tell her that you’ve done everything you can and it’s just the nature of the building. And you say that just once, and that’s that. I would ignore her letters and stop engaging in a dialogue that won’t go anywhere. She is the one being unreasonable here. If living in the building is so difficult for her, she can decide to move.

      1. AnonForNow*

        This is more or less where I am now. It’s just hard to feel like YOU are the villain in a story, you know? I really strive to be considerate in most situations. Maybe I’m making too much of it.

        1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

          Right and if she keeps it up, YOU could report HER to the co-op board for harassment. She has to deal with an remaining noise on her end using any of several methods or move.

          If I were you, I would actually talk to the board, show them what steps you have taken, and ask them to tell her to stop contacting you.

          1. Anona*

            Yes, if you’re up to it, some way to have the board intervene to have her stop contacting you sounds lovely. It’s crazy that you can’t use certain parts of your house for hours.

    4. Kage*

      I think you’ve done more than enough. Major City and apartment-living should make it clear that there might be noises she’ll encounter. Since you have taken steps to minimize your potential to generate noise, at this point she should also be looking at things she can do from her side: earplugs, adding blankets/acoustical treatments to her ceiling to help deaden the sound, a white noise machine, etc. There’s no reason that all of the onus should be on you to fix the full issue as you are already behaving reasonably.

    5. nonegiven*

      Nobody should expect you to not walk on a rug in your own apartment. These are normal noises of living, you aren’t actually rolling bowling balls in there.

      For the kid, have you tried covering the windows better? Mom had trouble with my nephew getting up too early when he stayed over and it turned out a street light was shining in the window and making him think it was morning. Maybe some kind of shutters making it darker in his room in the early morning could help with that.

      1. AnonForNow*

        He has blackout shades in his room. He is just a hardwired early riser as far as we can tell. I have read over 15 books on baby/toddler sleep. Thanks though, it was a good thought.

        1. Anona*

          Yeah, my experience with baby/toddler sleep is that their little bodies just do what they will. There’s only so much you can do to influence it. At some point it’s just… they’re young!

    6. LCL*

      Can she easily get you kicked out of your place that you own? If not, explain and apologize and keep doing what you are doing. You are trying to be courteous and are managing the situation, there isn’t much else you can do.

      At the end of your second paragraph you said you let communication lapse. Go back to that state of mind, and don’t engage.

    7. The curator*

      This might make you feel better. Former Coop owner from Brooklyn. One day our upstairs neighbor was in my apartment. She said OMG. Does it always sound like this? Like what? Oh. Her husband’s bass guitar, the sound of the kids running, a ball bouncing, a cat jumping. I said yes, isn’t it nice not to feel alone?

      Fast forward to our next apartment. 150 years old. Thick walls, no sounds, and I was totally creeped out.

      Your downstairs neighbor needs to chill, wear earplugs, get a white noise machine. You have done enough. You, your husband and your child are permitted to walk and enjoy your own apartment. No rollerskating or playing fetch with a Labrador retriever. Let the board know about the complaints and what you have done to remediate the issues.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yeah, this neighbor could reframe. The sounds of life and people going about their activities can be comforting if we allow it. I love to hear a lawn mower running as I lay down to nap. It’s nice to know that people are around and going about their day. And it’s nice to know *I* am not the one who has to mow.

        If you think she is going to escalate, then I would escalate first. Go to TPTB before she does. Bring a list of all the things you have done, including things like black out shades. Bring copies of her letters and copies of your responses.

        To me this sounds like a building problem. Buildings that are properly insulated can be scary quiet. Additionally floor boards that are properly supported do not squeak. I have no idea where the noise could be coming from otherwise.

        What strikes me here is that you do not mention or know of anything she has done on her end to lessen the impact of all this so-called noise. She needs to participate in solving her own problem rather than just whining about it.
        She may not be cut out for apartment life and may need to find different living arrangements.

    8. BRR*

      So it sucks for everyone involved. That’s apartment living. You have to live really close to your neighbors. If you can limit walking over a certain space before like 9 am maybe offer that as the only other option but there’s only a certain amount of things that can be done.

    9. Anona*

      You keep your toddler out of his room until 8am? You’re being SO accommodating to her! I second everyone else- you’ve done what you can. You can’t change that you have a small child and are living in your apartment. At this point she needs to make her own accommodations, whether they be earplugs, or moving. Seconding others- you can start ignoring her now, with a clear conscience. I’m sorry, since I know it’s stressful.

    10. LilySparrow*

      I used to live in A Major City, and I have a few opinions about this:

      1) You have already gone way beyond what is reasonable, and no amount of appeasement is going to make her stop harassing you over your and your child’s normal existence. Soon she will be complaining that she can hear you walking at 9am, or 10 am. You have the right to use all the rooms in your home on your own schedule.

      2) People like your neighbor always conveniently forget that they also have someone living below them who can hear them walking around normally. The people below them just don’t whine about it.

      3) People like your neighbor who can’t tolerate normal, routine reminders that they live in A Very Big City surrounded by Other Humans, need to move out of A Big City and live in a remote cabin. Or at least get an apartment on the top floor.

      Read your bylaws and/or lease. If you have complied with the terms, let her take it up with management. They are the only ones who can deal with structural issues.

    11. matcha123*

      I rent an apartment in a city of over 10 mil and lived in a city of over 1 mil previously.
      In my current place, I rarely ever hear my neighbors. In my previous place, I could hear my neighbors having early morning relations in their squeaky bed. Nothing worse than the sound of bed gymnastics at 4am on a Wednesday.
      It is possible that your neighbor is hearing someone else’s movement and it sounds like it’s coming from your place. I think that if you have thick carpeting down, unless your floorboard also creak, then they probably wouldn’t be able to hear you??
      Maybe try to get all the other tenants together or send a notice to everyone about noise? Or have her over to yours and you to hers so you can do noise tests?

    12. The Other Dawn*

      I agree with others, that you should go to the board before your neighbor does. Let them know what you’ve done, show them the correspondence, maybe even ask one of them to visit your apartment so they can actually see that you’ve done all these things. You’ve already let communication lapse–leave it that way.

      The only other thing I can think of is switching the two bedrooms so that your son isn’t above her bedroom. Is that a possibility? I’m not saying you should have to do that–you absolutely shouldn’t–but if you feel like you want to try one more thing, you could try that.

      I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. No one should have to feel like a prisoner in their own home.

    13. LibbyG*

      I agree with others that you’re being exceedingly considerate.

      Would it help your state of mind to write her a letter, acknowledging that your child is growing and getting more active and letting her know that, beyond the measures you’re already taking, there really isn’t anything different you can do to minimize the noise. Suggest acoustic ceiling tiles and a white noise machine. Recap the whole saga (“You first got in touch a couple days after Flufferton came home … we purchased a thick pad and carpet …” Write the letter like the co-op board is going to read it.

      That might preempt a complaint letter from her, and if not, you might feel more comfortable ignoring her next letter because you already addressed whatever she says.

      This is just an idea. Good luck!

    14. Cautious Newbie*

      I’m in a similar situation. My downstairs neighbors keep complaining to our property manager that we’re slamming doors and stomping at all hours of the day and night (my roommates and I all work during the day and go to bed at 11PM, so we are not slamming doors at 3AM as one of the complaints described). They’ll bang on the ceiling at seemingly random moments (ie, we weren’t moving furniture or doing anything else particularly loud) and have filed countless complaints. We’re not tapdancing or rearranging our furniture here, just normal living. Our property manager did a walkthrough and determined that the floor/ceiling was no worse than any other in the complex (the complex does have poor soundproofing between floors, this is a known issue) and she has no idea what to do since we’re not doing anything out of the ordinary. We’re quiet people who rarely have parties.

      What finally seems to have gotten the ceiling banging to stop is when I, ironically, filed a noise complaint against our downstairs neighbors because they banged on the ceiling hard enough that they woke me up at 2AM. The apartment was dead silent except for the sound of them banging. They’ve still banged on the ceiling occasionally, but it at least hasn’t been while I’ve been trying to sleep, and it’s an improvement over the months that passed where they’d bang at least 4 times a week.

      1. LilySparrow*

        Bear in mind, your neighbor may be hearing noises that aren’t there at all. We had an upstairs neighbor for years who had dementia and was convinced that people (possibly us) were breaking into her apartment and stealing her stuff, having loud parties, all kinds of things.

    15. Nita*

      I think you’ve done more than enough, and should just start ignoring her. It’s also a very good idea to go to the board first with all the documentation, as a few people suggest. She lives in a city and is surrounded by other people, most of whom will not bend over backwards to make sure she’s happy. If she has serious insomnia or something, that’s terrible, but it still doesn’t give her the right to make her problem your problem to this extent.

      The only thing that could trip you up, in the legal sense, is that some buildings actually have leases that require wall-to-wall carpet. If you’re in a co-op, your lease could have similar terms. Not sure how it works with condos. I’ve lived in all kinds of buildings, and have seen this on leases many many times – but have also never seen it enforced, even in cases of neighbors having a long dispute about noise.

      1. Anon Anon Anon*

        This seems to be such a common issue in apartment buildings. And sound insulation is not expensive. Why aren’t apartment complexes investing in it and advertising it as a feature? It seems like more people would want sound dampening floors and walls than tennis courts, conference rooms and all that other extra stuff.

    16. Llellayena*

      You might recommend getting a post-occupancy acoustic evaluation on the whole building. Someone comes in and tests for ambient and impact sound levels and then makes recommendations for how to mitigate sound transfer in each apartment. The initial evaluation is by the condo board, but any changes are by the individual owners. Solutions might be that she adds an insulation layer to her ceiling or you could add a sound mat under the hard flooring you have. But an evaluation will let you know if it’s actually more noise than there should be or if she’s just more sensitive to noise.

    17. StellaBella*

      In Switzerland there are a lot of noise regulations because of all the high-density living situations. The ONE rule that exists is that IF you have a baby/child you are allowed to have noise in your apartment 24/7/holidays. I am sorry you have to deal with this neighbour issue and with your overall stress level. Can you shorten his naps so he sleeps longer thru the morning?

      1. AnonForNow*

        Wow, thanks everyone, for the supportive comments. I feel so bad about the trouble we’ve caused our neighbor, and she’s so insistent that we accommodate her, that I really worried there was more we should be doing— just couldn’t think of what!

        To answer a few questions:

        -I don’t worry about her getting us kicked out, more about her making trouble with the board and getting us branded as Bad Neighbors in our building. I also just sincerely hate feeling like I’m affecting a neighbor’s quality of life.

        -There are rules about covering the floors in our building and we are in compliance with them. There is no rule about wall-to-wall. I also doubt it would be effective anyway, since any floor covering typically only muffles normal adult walking noises, not the sound of a lead-footed toddler who sometimes runs, jumps, and drops things.

        -NO ONE wants my son to sleep later in the morning more than I do. I have tried everything short of drugging him. He has an infallible internal clock.

        —The two bedrooms in our house are significantly different sizes and we could not fit our bed and other furniture in our son’s room were we to switch. Why she did not make her room in the master bedroom I don’t know.

        -I think the idea of presenting my documentation to the co-op board is a good one. I have all her letters and copies of my own. I will write out the whole story and keep it to present to the board if I get another letter from her.

        -I don’t really want to go to the trouble of having an inspector in my son’s room and then potentially opening myself up to having my apartment structurally modified. I live below people as well, so I have an idea of how much sound transfers through the floors here, and it seems pretty normal to me. If she escalates I can suggest it to the board.

        I guess for now we both just have to suck it up. Thanks everyone, for your input.

    18. MsChanandlerBong*

      Your neighbor sounds like a jerk. You have gone above and beyond in your attempts to be quiet. If she wants total quiet, then she needs to buy a house that isn’t attached to other people’s living spaces. It would be one thing if you had loud parties every week or purposely took up clog dancing, but you’re feeding and soothing your kid, for crying out loud!

    19. Anon Anon Anon*

      This is a structural issue. It’s not your fault. I would ask her to take it up with the building’s management and see what they can do. It should be between her and them. You don’t need to be involved. I would point that out nicely, then start copying them on any replies to her and eventually stop responding.

  67. ScotKat*

    I started talking to a guy via online dating, and I like him. He lives 3000 miles away from me pretty much. WHY does this happen to me?! Can’t I just find a nice guy here who isn’t totally bizarre (or turns out to be when you think it’s all going well)? It’s not even worth pursing because of the distance, but I enjoy talking to him (so far at least). Which I suppose is something.

    The last time I tried a distance thing, it was with a guy who, after we’d met and been intimate and he’d gone home again, basically told me I ‘didn’t do anything’ during sex and he was ‘way more involved’ in it. I don’t think I am overreacting to think that’s just a really unkind thing to say to someone when you’ve only just started to get to know them (even if it was true, which in this case I really don’t think it was and I have no idea what he’s referring to, really). I’ve been burnt a lot with terrible dating this year… and I am not sure I have it in me for any more, to be honest.

    1. Sparrow*

      Ouch, that’s a rough blow. I’m sorry ScotKat. I had a nostalgic conversation with my ex today, who lives 6000 miles away, and would not be my ex except for the fact that I moved for the school/career opportunity of a lifetime. It’s sad when the person you click with is far away.
      If you’re feeling burned out from dating, take a break! 1 month, 2 months, 4 months, however long it takes until the idea of dating sounds more like possibilities and less like dread. I dated through the summer and am taking a break now, being kind to myself and leaning into my other friendships and professional things. It will all be ok!

      1. ScotKat*

        Thank you :) Yes, I do need to do that. I’m always anxious about the fact I’m 35 and I worry that the longer I leave it the less attractive people will find me… Because that’s how it seems to be often for women over 35! (I don’t believe it, but society’s messages still get in my brain.) I miss when dating was fun and not fraught with silly nonsense about ghosting and bad communication. I’m thinking of taking a dance class in January maybe… I’m not good at dancing, but I want to give it a go!

    2. Traffic_Spiral*

      “I started talking to a guy… He lives 3000 miles away from me pretty much. WHY does this happen to me?! ”

      I’m not sure that your choice to strike up a relationship with someone 3,000 miles away counts as something “happening to you.” Now, why you choose to do things like this… hell if I know, ask a shrink.

      1. Book Lover*

        That seems kind of mean? I was on a dating site once and matched with someone and it ended up he was in another state. I don’t know if he put in the wrong zip code or if the site ignored my distance requirements, but it happened. It is pretty easy now to meet online and then realize you are in different countries, for that matter.

        1. Traffic_Spiral*

          It takes you about .05 seconds after the match to see the location though. That means she chose to keep talking. Now, there’s nothing wrong with that – sometimes penpals are good, and sometimes any flirting helps you to stay in the game. However, it is most definitely not a “thing that’s happening to her.” Everyone gets a few far out matches, but she’s the one that chose to follow up on it.

        2. NeonFireworks*

          I agree. It’s judgmental and callous enough that I cringed, and plus all that dismissiveness relies on an unnaturally literal interpretation of a rhetorical question.

          1. GhostWriter*

            Yeah, it’s just a exclamation of frustration. It’s crappy to take it literally, say it’s her fault and that she should see a shrink. Sounds like Traffic_Spiral is the one that needs to see a shrink to work out whatever their issues are.

      2. Sparrow*

        He also could have been in ScotKat’s city for work, school or a trip, and she wouldn’t have known at the start.

    3. GhostWriter*

      I don’t do online dating, but I do end up talking to and becoming friends with really cool people online because of hobby-related stuff. Seems like the ones I become closest to happen to be the farthest away. Totally sucks to meet someone cool that you can’t actually hang out with!

      Sorry dating’s been going to horribly this year. Sounds like the dancing class might be a nice way to get some fun social time in while taking a break from dating pressures. :) Maybe you’d meet a cool dancing guy.

      Anonymous Again started a thread a bit further up about people who thought they’d be alone forever but found love anyway that you might want to read.

  68. exy*

    Oops, I meant to post this above but the page refreshed and it ended up as a separate comment in its own thread. Sorry for the double-post!

  69. Anonymous Again*

    I am in desperate need of stories of people who thought they’d end up alone for the rest of their lives, but ended up finding love. I’ve actually given up a long time ago, but that doesn’t keep it from hurting. It doesn’t have to be you. Maybe it’s a friend or a cousin or a neighbor. Just tell me stories. Please.

    1. Lcsa99*

      I was painfully shy as a child. Horribly tealsed so I kept to myself for most of my childhood, and to make it worse, in high school my mother had us in a pretty strict church group so I kept getting a lot of bad information that made even the idea of dating impossible. So through all the years people are normally exploring themselves and relationships I was completely isolated and kinda hated myself. It wasn’t until I moved across the country and was actually on my own that I started taking something for the anxiety that helped me relax enough to try. But even then I was convinced I was undesirable and boring. Then online I met the man who would eventually become my husband. It was incredible how easy it was to just relax and be myself with him. Even from the first date, which was only supposed to be a couple hours, and turned into a 9 hour exploration of the city together. It was like the entire world had changed and love was not just a myth or a theory but possible.

      I went 27 years without a single date or anyone showing even an inkling of interest. If it can happen to me, it’ll happen for you! You just have to be patient.

    2. Call me St. Vincent*

      Before I met my husband, I would lay alone in bed at night and cry thinking I would never meet anyone. In fact, pretty sure I did that the week before I met him. I also tried to just be my best self and be okay. I focused on my own hobbies and interests and tried to come to terms with being whole on my own. Obviously I didn’t feel great about it every minute (see above me crying in my bed) but overall it helped. I was pretty shocked when I met my husband and how it happened when I least expected it.

      Also, my cousin was 40 and decided that, although he wanted to meet someone, he felt like it would probably never happen and had come to terms with being alone. Maybe six months to a year later, he met his wife.

      We all feel alone sometimes! You are enough on your own and I hope you know that, but I hope you meet someone soon who loves and appreciates you.

    3. Lissa*

      How about some historical ones? Agatha Christie’s first husband couldn’t handle her success, left her for a younger woman (that she was supposed to chaperoning), by all accounts she did NOT take it well. She pulled it together, became a world traveller (including going on the Orient Express, the inspiration for one of her most famous novels), and met an archaeologist over 10 years younger than her. They got married and by all accounts had a happy, supportive marriage that lasted till her death.

      Beatrix Potter lived with restrictive parents well into adulthood and had no courtships until her late 30s. Her first fiance tragically died, but she used that to finally grasp some independence, and married her husband when she was 48.

    4. NicoleK*

      I didn’t date much and only had two semi serious relationships. I’m not beautiful and always had a difficult time attracting guys. They just weren’t that interested in me. It would frustrate me when I heard or read about women who’d been married 2-3 times when I had a hard time landing a date. I tried several online dating services before I met my husband. I’m fairly sure that if I hadn’t met my husband, I’d be single today.

    5. Harriet J*

      I’m sitting at the dining room table in the house I share with my husband of 8 years and our 3 cats. We didn’t meet until I was almost 50 (he’s almost a decade older).
      Around 35 I gave up trying to find dates, it was just too exhausting. Then for some reason I decided to try what was then the new world of E-Harmony. I developed the philosophy of “every bad date is a good story” and I have some great stories!
      Eventually we were matched up and from the first email I knew this was special. Then we met in person – he has the best smile! A year later we moved in together and were married a year after that. I cannot imagine my life without him. He’s not perfect, but he is wonderful.
      It does hurt to be alone, but whenever possible, focus on how you are not alone. I worked to develop strong friendships, good relationships with my nieces & nephews, etc. Be kind to yourself.

    6. Aurora Leigh*

      For various reasons, I did not date (or have romantic/physical relationships) in high school or college.

      When I moved out of my parents house (at 24) I decided to try online dating. I got exactly one meh date in about 9 months.

      Decided I was done with trying that. I turned 25 and decided that would be the year I moved out of my crappy apartment and got a dog and lived the life I wanted, rather than waiting for a man.

      In the mean time, I kept getting a lot of promotional emails from Match. So I decided to log back into the site one more time to see if I could find a way to remove my email from their lists. Thought I might as well look to see who was out there now (this was almost a year after I signed up).

      And reader, I met him! We’ve been together almost 2 years now, moved in with him this summer, and we have a dog (also 3 cats). We’re actively discussing marriage.

      He, too, had pretty much given up on meeting anyone. He’d been single almost 4 years, and his previous (college) relationships never lasted more than 6-9 months. He jokes I got him off the boyfriend clearance rack!

      For historical examples — I love the romance of Elizabeth Barrett and Robert Browning!

    7. Nita*

      Me! I didn’t even date till my 20s. Seriously messed up family – I was terrified of a date meeting them, running away from me, AND telling my classmates I’m related to these people. Once I saved up enough for my own place and moved out for real, I did start going on dates, but it was a pretty miserable experience. Lots of boring one-dates, a few funny ones (not in a good way, more in a laugh or you’ll cry way), too much running away from people who decided I’m The One and didn’t care I don’t share those feelings, some ghosting, and only one halfway worthwhile relationship.

      So when I was in my late 20s, I decided the stress wasn’t worth it and started making plans to stay single for life, and keep my mental health. Yup. That didn’t work out. Met my husband at the last party I was going to attend before I would have quit doing social stuff for good. Guess there’s a reason I hadn’t met him earlier – we knew a lot of the same people, and even considered moving to the same different state at one point, but while I was going on those ridiculous dates, he was busy working two jobs and putting himself through college.

      My biggest regret? I should have used those single years to sleep more. My life right now is full of sleep deprivation. I could have been going to bed early and waking up late for almost 30 years, instead of giving myself insomnia stressing about the future.

    8. Traffic_Spiral*

      My parents had 8 kids and lived as expats for 30 years. Then when they came back to the states, they divorced. My mom was a chubby lady in her late 40’s with 7 kids – 5 of whom still lived at home. She remarried to my stepdad, who’s a pretty awesome guy. Tall, a college professor, great cook, and loves her. They’re really happy together. My dad’s remarried as well, and they’re both happy too.

    9. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      I didn’t have anyone the least bit interested in me for years. I had two high school boyfriends who dumped me because I was too fat, and that was the end of my love life. There were a few painful rejections and experiences in the subsequent years which just served to solidify my view that I was utterly unattractive and unwanted. I didn’t even have many friends.

      So I decided to go ahead and go overseas to study, as I figured I had very little to keep me in my home country. After about 15 years of being single I thought that maybe my foreign-ness would be exotic enough that I might get laid once or twice but that was the extent of it. The very first day I was here I met a man who I thought was cute but too young (and too skinny) to be interested in me except as friendly acquaintances. We’ve been together for 14 years, married for 10. We got married when I was 34.

    10. NACSACJACK*

      I met my current beau at a pool party. Funny thing is I had seen him over the years in the community, but we had never met until that moment. He wasn’t supposed to be at that pool party but decided to come. He works days and evenings, whereas I work days only. He had decided to get more social recently. I’m not sure if we hadn’t met at the pool, that if I had seen him at a bar, that I would have talked to him. He admits he never would have talked to me first, socially awkward he is.

    11. AnonNDmous*

      I have always been shy and introverted and felt invisible to the world. It was very hard and lonely. I didn’t date much in my 20s and didn’t have a boyfriend until my late 30s. Then, after a few short relationships, I met my current boyfriend at work. We’ve been together 4 1/2 yrs. It can happen for you too. One thing I’ve had to do is let myself do things I never thought I would do. I never thought I’d date someone at work. I never thought I’d date a smoker. I thought I would be married and have kids but now I know I don’t want kids and we may never marry or live together because we are both set in our ways and he’s even more introverted than I am, meaning he really likes his alone time. Sometimes I think it’s kind of dumb to be with someone that I don’t want to live with but every situation is different and we’re happy, so I have learned to (and am still learning) to let go of the idea of marriage, because we don’t have to do what many others are doing and live together/marry. I wish you happiness in whatever form that is for you.

    12. Lore*

      I was almost 40 when I met my partner. After a bunch of bad experiences and stupid decisions on my part, I’d given up online dating, but instead made a deal with myself to stay more open to non dating social invitations. One of my college friends was going through a bad divorce that meant she’d be alone on Valentines Day for the first time in her adult life, so we went together to an anti-VD party held by a high school friend I’d randomly run into and gotten back in touch with. Most of the people there were also high school folks and after a certain point I was desperate to talk to someone about anything other than our youth so I introduced myself to the least familiar looking guy there. We’re going on 10 years.

    13. Sylvan*

      My adopted grandmother came into the family when she befriended another relative, who introduced her to my grandfather. Both in their 60s, having lost their spouses, and just trying to make friends to host dinner parties with because they liked to cook.

      1. Sylvan*

        I’d like to add that my grandfather was a quiet, reserved person, and that his most social hobby was taking his dog to the dog park. He was often a loner by nature.

        My grandmother is extremely gregarious. I have no idea how she managed not to frighten away my grandfather or my entire shy family, but she made it work.

        (I hid behind my mom’s skirt for a while but obviously came around to her, too. :P )

    14. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

      A bit of variation….but:
      My cousin lost his first wife to cancer diagnosed when she was 8m pregnant. She didn’t live to see the child’s 1st birthday. Years later, said child was in kindergarten, and cousin met child’s friend, whose mother was a single mom (had kid at 25, bf wouldn’t marry her/they broke up). Two years later, cousin married his second wife (child’s friend’s mom) and the kids are stepsiblings and classmates. Their baby sister was born shortly after the wife turned 34.

    15. UtOh!*

      I married at 38 after having met my husband in a chat room back in ’99. It was truly one of those situations were we chatting for a long time before meeting, but when we met it was just meant to be. We dated long distance for a year before I moved to his state. I was not even looking for marriage or kids, but ended up getting married, to someone else who also did not want kids. :)

    16. NiceOrc*

      My aunt was first married in the 1970s and divorced in the 1980s. A few relationships since then. In 2010, when she was around 55, she met a lovely man online and they connected immediately. They married the next year and are very happy together. He’s really nice and we (the rest of the extended family) think they are perfect together. She said she wasn’t even looking seriously, just liked having options for a night out if she wanted.

      Hang in there and look after yourself while the universe sorts itself out and the right person for you comes along xx.

    17. Arya Parya*

      Bit late, but maybe you’ll still read this. I always thought I was going to end up. I never dated much, I’m very introverted. I’m also not very attactive to a lot of guys. I might be somewhere on the autism spectrum, though I’ve never been tested. But all in all I’m pretty happy with who I am and was never that bothered by being single.

      I had one serious relationship ages 21 till 24. After that I dated a little, but not much happened. I didn’t really click with anyone. So in 2012 (4 years single then) I decided I was going to buy my own appartement and just make a good life for myself. I moved to a new town in 2013, got a new job there, made some new friends and traveled by myself. It was a good year and I would still have been fine if my life had continued on like that.

      In 2014 I decided to volunteer at the local filmtheatre, which was (and still is) a lot of fun. Met people with similar interests and made more friends. Then on the annual volunteer day/outing I got talking to a guy I knew a little. He was a lot of fun and it turned out we had a lot in common. We exchanged phone numbers and got together a few times after, then a lot of times. Now we are living together and have a (nearly) 6 month old daughter.

  70. Tara R.*

    Y’all, how do I get over a haircut I’m not feeling? I went in with the intention of slashing my almost-hip-length hair to more chest level. They asked if I wanted to go shorter so I could donate, and I decided to go for it, but it ended up as shorter than she had said. It’s now not quite at my shoulders and I just don’t like this length. It gets in my face and it makes me look even younger (I’m 21, frequently get read as 15-18). I can’t even put it in a ponytail :/

    I’m trying to tell myself that it’s just hair and it will grow back, but I’m still kind of sad about it. I’m thinking I’ll buy some nicer makeup and make a bigger effort with clothes and makeup, so I can feel good about something about my appearance. Any other wisdom?

    1. kc89*

      this sounds dramatic but if it really bothers you just stop looking in the mirror for a while

      like if you are putting on makeup look at your face but don’t look at your face and hair as a whole

    2. Monty and Millie's Mom*

      Could you maybe Google some images of styles for your current length to see if there’s something that resonates for you? Otherwise, yes, it’ll grow out, so just be patient. Or extensions?!

      1. Tara R.*

        This is embarrassing, but I’ve never done anything with my hair besides washing it and brushing it. I mean, I would braid it or put it in a ponytail to get it out of my face, but I’m genuinely not sure how to go about “styling” it.

    3. Close Bracket*

      Very long hair tends to shrink a little after it’s cut. I’m sorry it ended up so much shorter than you wanted. I went from very long hair to very short hair on purpose, but I do understand the frustration of thinking about how long it takes to grow back. I’ve been growing it out from a pixie for a few years now. It’s so exciting when you realize you have hit a milestone. Long enough to pull the top part back! Long enough to wear a low ponytail! Long enough to braid! So long that you feel it on your back when you shower! I’m at long enough to stay in my shirts when I pull them over my head. It’s such a thrill. So at least there is that to look forward to!

      Did they tell you how to style the cut and suggest products to put in it to keep it in that style? You can book an appointment at a salon just for styling. Maybe you should try a different place.

      1. Tara R.*

        That’s a good point about milestones! I remember how excited I was when I could do the “mermaid” thing (have it cover my chest while I was topless) hahaha. I’ll try to look forward to those moments! It shouldn’t take too long to be long enough for a ponytail so that’s one I should be able to anticipate.

        No, they didn’t give me any advice. I don’t really have the $$$ for a styling appointment, but I’ll be going to a different salon next time.

        1. Red Or Dead*

          Do you have any friends who are into doing their hair and could give you a lesson in styling? Or if not, there are tons of videos on YouTube – could you make it a project to find and watch videos on styling hair like yours, and then practice? Take it as an opportunity to learn to style it? Buy a couple of nice styling products and brushes?

          1. Tara R.*

            I think this is the approach I’m going to take! I need to figure out enough of the terminology to find some of those videos, but I like the idea of owning it instead of moping about it.

    4. the.kat*

      You might try looking online for some styling guides. Or, if you really hate it, contact the place where you got it cut, go in, and see what they can do for you. I’ve done this a few times, and it generally helps. My hair always looks awesome when I leave the salon, but when I’m in charge of the washing and drying, it doesn’t always work out. The stylist has always been great about making changes… whether that’s cutting a little more, shaping the style, or just removing some of the weight. There are things you can do, and if you’re unhappy, they don’t normally charge you. Good luck!

    5. Red Reader*

      As someone with butt-length hair who had an Unfortunate Bleaching Incident and lost almost as much as it sounds like you did – Man, I bawled. Yes, it’s just hair, and yes, it’ll grow back, but it’s also an outcome that isn’t what you were expecting and a major change all at the same time, so if taking a minute to mourn and kick dirt and eat a pint of ice cream for dinner makes you feel better, do it.

      Then embrace the power of the scarf. ;) When mine was growing back, I spent a lot of time wearing Alice bands or those wide tubular scarf-bandana things that can either be scrunched into a headband or worn full-out as a head wrap, because the wider they are, the better they do at keeping unruly hair back out of your face. And amazon sells them in like 12-packs for $6-8, all kinds of fun colors and patterns. I still wear mine even though my hair is back to butt-length; they’re great for frizzy days. :-P

      1. ElspethGC*

        I cringed so much at that. I have hip-length with no plans to cut it shorter, and I avoid heat-styling and have never bleached – for exactly that reason. I’m terrified of having to cut it all off.

      2. Tara R.*

        Oh no!! I feel like I’m not in anywhere near as bad of a spot, because I did want to cut a lot of it off– just not so much. I was also not super attached to the length in the first place, I just got lazy about cutting it, and after like 2 trims in 3 years… all of a sudden it was Ridiculously Long. So so far I haven’t cried, just been pretty sulky. I’m trying to remind myself that because of the aforementioned laziness, the last 6 inches or so was in pretty awful condition, and it looks much healthier now. I feel awful for you though– I had similar length hair as a kid and I was incredibly, incredibly attached to it. Deciding to cut it up to my shoulders was a months-long process with lots of tears and if it had happened against my will I would have been completely inconsolable.

        Oh, I’ll have to look into some headbands/scarf-bandana things. I’m a bit insecure about having my hair pulled back for the same reason I don’t like this length of hair– I have a really round face, and I feel like it draws attention to it.

    7. Dr. Anonymous*

      That is just miserable! A French braid (Youtube) may get your hair off your face, and you can probably pull the top section back with a barrette. Definitely wear a hairband to brush your teeth. The worst part of growing it out is the first time you spit on it. I agree it is okay to call the stylist and say this is much shorter than you agreed to and ask if you can come by and have them show you how to manage this length a try no charge. And have a little hair party for yourself when you get it into a ponytail. You’ll feel a lot better!
      Hang in there.

    8. ThatGirl*

      If you feel comfortable maybe go back and say you’re not thrilled and can it be styled a bit differently? Most hairdressers/salons want you to be happy, and some minor tweaks (new part, layers) could make it look more sophisticated or better suited for you. Yes, it might require a little more hair get cut, but if you’re happier with the style as it grows out that could really help. (I have chin length hair and how it’s styled makes a big difference for me)

    9. Anon Anon Anon*

      I wound up with.a hair cut that was too short once. In hindsight, I wish I had worn wigs. I later had a friend who was into wigs. She’d mix them up – different colors and styles, and not wearing one every day. I realized they can be fun and can look good even if they’re not expensive or realistic looking. It’s more the spirit of the thing.

  71. Nervous Accountant*

    Ummm…Any tips on staying in a house with cats while allergic? I love cats. And I hate that I’m allergic. But I can’t be in a space w one for too long sadly. I have my Zyrtec but idk if that’ll do the job. Can’t stay anywhere else for the time being.

    1. Extra Vitamins*

      Is there a cat- free room in the house? Or a room that can be made cat- free. It would still have some allergens, but a pArtial refuge worked ok for my very allergic aunt. Can you get an air purifier ( put it near your head when sleeping)? Also, there are cat allergy wipes that work for some people, depending on your specific reaction ( you wipe the cat with them).
      I can tell you some things to avoid: do not vacuum, and go away for an hour when vacuuming is happening.

    2. AcademiaNut*

      If you have a separate bedroom, get the hosts to give it a thorough vacuuming (including the mattress), and wash all the bedding. Then keep the door closed all the time so the cats can’t get in. That way you’ve got a relatively dander free place to sleep.

      Other than that, spend as much time out of the house as possible – hang out in a local library, or a coffee shop, or go for healthy walks.

      1. Windchime*

        This is what I do for my sister. I keep the guest bedroom door closed and the cat is never, ever allowed in there. Before she comes over, I vacuum (carpet and furniture) and sweep thoroughly. When her allergies are really fired up, I will also cover the furniture with a clean sheet so she’s not sitting on cat hair.

        It’s hard. Most of the time it’s OK, but there are times when her allergies are super bad and she can’t really be around my house during those times.

    3. GhostWriter*

      Can you use some of those disposable dust or surgical masks for when you have to be in the same room as the cat?

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        I’ll try that. Night went OK bc they did clean. The cat is actually a kitten, a few weeks old and doesn’t shed hair yet? so they said it shouldn’t be too big of an issue. He’s orange and fluffy and so cute and friendly.. got to pet him last night. Hubby slept in living room and the cat slept on him.

    4. Penguin*

      If it’s a short-term stay you might try chloropheniramine maleate; it’s a non-drowsy, fast-acting, short-term antihistamine (i.e. you take it every six hours instead of every 24). It’s helped me (with cat allergies in particular) when the longer-term Claritins and Zyrtecs haven’t, and it’s available in a bunch of generic, over-the-counter versions. (You will need to check the ingredients label rather than rely on a particular branding; CVS just calls it “Allergy Relief”… such a /helpful/ name, that.)
      (Caveats: I am not a doctor, talk with yours first, check for drug interactions with anything you’re taking, be wary of medical advice from strangers on the internet, etc.)

    5. Dr. Anonymous*

      Wash your hands a lot because you will touch dander-covered surfaces. Start a nasal steroid spray like Flonase a week in advance if you can and continue until a day or two post-cat. If it’s really bad you can add Nasacrom, a cromylin sodium nose spray. Try to sit on non-upholstered furniture like a wooden kitchen chair when you can.

      Good luck!

    6. MattKnifeNinja*

      How allergic? I’m anaphylactic to cat dander. My lungs swell and shut down.

      I love cats. They are beautiful animls. I would own one if I wasn’t f*ck on the immune side.

      It’s a balance of how much misery to how much is it worth to go/stay. Cat dander is small and jagged. It works it’s way into carpet padding. You can’t carpet clean the stuff out. Cloth furniture is the same deal. The dander works it’s way into the foam padding.

      I had to stay with an out of state cousin with two cats for a funeral. I medicated with a Medrol dose pack, Bendryl and Zantac (H2 blocker). I was able to breathe without my face swelling for 5 days. Those are harsh medication, and not used too often for maintenance.

      My allergist prescribes Singulair (a lomg term asthma/allergy preventive) for people in your situation. It works for some.

      I’m on Xolair injections for my severe asthma. Able to now go into a house with cats and not have to premedicate. By the end of the night my eyes are blood shot, and nose a little sniffly, but nothing like the Epi-pen and 911 calls before.

      Have you tried Allegra? It’s the most benign of antihistamines. It might be worth visiting an allergist to see what your options are. They can tweak and fine tune different medications, so you aren’t zombied out all the time.

    7. MissDisplaced*

      Can your host keep kitties contained to one area of the house for a day or two? Like a finished basement, attic, etc? This can be better anyway if there are many guests around for both cats and humans.

      Otherwise, I think trying to keep pre-cleaned & scrubbed guest bedroom cat free (door closed while you are there) is the way to go if you are not *too* horribly allergic, along with Zyrtec, etc. That and trying to avoid places kitties love. The problem is that said kitties just LOVE to invade closed door spaces and investigate suitcases. They seem more drawn to those who are seeking to avoid them.
      If you are too allergic to stay in the house, save yourself and get a motel room. You still might experience some effects, but sleeping away from the cats will ultimately be worth the price.

    8. SemiRetired*

      I’m cleaning in prep for my allergic brother’s visit right now. In addition to other suggestions, I vacuum the day before so particulates have time to settle, change the furnace filter, remove all optional fabrics or cushions in the room and cover those that can’t be removed. Any of those things might help.
      For you, I recommend having optional out of the house activities you can do to take a break. Last holiday my family took some board games to the local brewpub and played there instead of here in my cathouse. Long walks, movies, shopping, sledding, etc.
      good luck!

    9. Courageous cat*

      I’ve known lots of people who were allergic to cats that eventually didn’t have any symptoms if they were around the same cat long enough.

  72. Just want to vent*

    Met old friends from OOT for dinner, and heard all about their fabulous travels. I’m so happy that they’re doing well and having those experiences, but also insanely jealous. My husband and I have been caregiving non-stop for over a decade (two different parents, back to back incurable diseases) and I could just about murder someone for the opportunity to go on a vacation. I’m so tired of having to wait for people to die so I can have a chance to enjoy my life.

    1. Buu*

      Sorry to hear that, have you looked into any carers support groups? I don’t think you’re alone in this.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I so get this. Ten years plus, and three deaths. One would pass and then next one would get sick. It’s like I went to bed one night and I was 2o something got up the next day and I was 40.
      I cannot recommend strongly enough, stop! build a plan! get on vacation! Figure out what it will take to go and just go.
      After a bit I did figure out that crap is naturally occurring. We will always have crap going on in some aspect of our lives. If we want nice things to happen then we have to stop and deliberately create those nice things. Why aren’t nice things naturally occurring, too, I have NO clue. But at least realizing we have to deliberately create those nice moments is of some help, it’s tells us how to proceed.

      A person in their final illness usually requires a crew of people. Start by building your crew, find sitters, find neighbors who are willing to check in, whatever the needs are. Perhaps the parent can go to a nearby assisted living place for respite for a week. Ask around and see if there are respite places or respite care workers in your area. Your local hospital might have resources or the local government department for the aging may have lists.

      Join a support group related to your parent’s diagnosis. They can be another source to find out what is available out there.

      We never got the fabulous trips. For some odd reason, I ended up okay with that. I can’t fully explain why or how I made peace. But I think part of it is just that for all the problems it’s still the life I have had and I would not trade it for someone else’s life and THEIR problems.

      Plan your trip. As you go along let us know how the plans are going.

  73. Jessen*

    Anyone else planning on avoiding their family for Thanksgiving? I’m going to announce that I’m sick (close enough) and spend the day in my pj’s overindulging in potato chips.

    1. EvilQueenRegina*

      I am in the UK where we don’t celebrate it but I would be so tempted to do that if we did as my family are only tolerable in small doses (well, specific people – I have vented about them here before) and have joked in the past that I’m thankful we don’t have to do Thanksgiving too. Maybe I would be used to it if I grew up with it, but right now it feels to me like having to do Thanksgiving and Christmas so close together would be too much family.

      1. Jessen*

        Growing up wasn’t so bad – everyone was nicer around the holidays, especially with extended family around. But I realize that’s somewhat relative, and adult me doesn’t have a lot of motivation to go put on the happy family face and go be around people who only seem to be nice around the holidays.

      1. sharkBite*

        Doing exactly this—out sick. I need a break from the crazy that’s been on a sharp crescendo since Labor Day.

        I’m quite pleased.

    3. Wishing You Well*

      Pj’s and potato chips sound FANTASTIC! I’m planning something similar!
      (I’ve always been suspicious of gravy anyway.)

      1. Jessen*

        I really hate turkey to begin with. I finally started adding up…a family meal that I don’t want to go to in order to eat food I don’t want to eat and a drive in traffic I don’t want to deal with…so I can make people happy who obviously can’t be bothered to consider me?

    4. LuJessMin*

      I’m headed to my cousin’s house, where I’ll be the lone liberal. Hopefully we can keep the small talk to football.

    5. Beatrice*

      I can’t be with my family this year for either holiday, and I’m stuck with the in-laws for both. I can’t fake sick because my husband is the worst liar in the history of lying, bless him, and can’t cover for me.

      They’re lovely people, they’re just like getting together too often all year – weekly or more – and during the holidays it’s…just even more togetherness. And every holiday get-together involves a potluck, preferably with homemade food, and I stress myself out, thinking I need to be Martha Stewart about it, but also deeply resent the amount of time and effort required to be Martha Stewart.

      We had an event today, and I got overwhelmed by it. Planning and making a dish (and of course I didn’t pick something simple), planning travel so we arrived on time, trying to remember the names and relationships of relatives I only see every few years, finding safe conversation topics with people I don’t know well, negotiating strange foods with my picky child, making sure he behaves despite being bored, etc. I was so stressed out making the pie I brought, because it wasn’t perfect, and in the end they had too many pies and literally no one tried mine, and the biggest food hit was the pepperoni pizza brought by an uncle who doesn’t cook. It made me realize that most of the stress I was feeling was self-inflicted and I need to figure out how to let go and stop caring about things that don’t matter. Easier said than done.

    6. UtOh!*

      Hubs and I will be home on Thanksgiving, I even tried to get out of doing a traditional dinner but no, hubby wants turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, vegetable, and pie! I was happy with a freaking chicken pot pie (turkey for him). At least the only thing I have to cook is a *small* turkey breast and the crescent rolls. He’s picking up the mashed, gravy, and stuffing from Boston Market on Wed. It’s going to be FREEZING here, so we’ll make a fire, drink some wine (well, I will), and have a feast. I’ve traveled so often to so many people’s homes (have only invited people here a handful of times, as we only have small condo), but I’m no longer making the effort, it’s just not worth the stress of traveling on the holidays (traveling meaning at least 2 hours each way…no thanks!).

  74. the.kat*

    How does anyone go about finding roommates? I currently live by myself in a very expensive city with a large dog in an apartment that’s really not great and likely to get worse. I’d like to have a roommate… well, actually I’d like to have a lot more money and not need a roommate, but I probably need a roommate. The problem is, I don’t know where to find one. I don’t know anyone at work who needs someone to live with and my church is full of old married couples. Anyone have any luck?

    1. WellRed*

      How is Craigslist in your area? That’s what I use. I set parameters of what sort if person I am looking for and interview them like as seriously as I would for a job.

      1. WellRed*

        Also, the church might be full of old married couples but that doesn’t mean they don’t know of someone.

      2. SG*

        I found my last apartment on Craigslist and I lived with my roommate for 3 years – seconding the treat it like a job interview and have your dealbreakers in mind.

      1. Red Reader*

        I think the point there was less “ugh old married people” and more that, commonly, married folks, especially older married folks, aren’t the general demographic one expects to be looking for or interested in having roommates, so a social circle full of old married folks isn’t where one thinks to start looking for them.

        In fact, when my now-husband and I got married, our housemate’s mom was absolutely POSITIVE that we were gonna be like “welp, we’re married now, get out,” because in her world, Married People Don’t Want Roommates, it’s just the way things are, like grass is green and rain falls down. The idea that no, we actually do still want him to live with us, floors her to this day, a year and a half later, and I think she’s kept his old bedroom mostly empty in case we change our mind :-P

      2. MattKnifeNinja*

        How about empty nesters instead for short hand?

        The area I live has a greying population. That 4K sq ft home with 5 bedrooms and 3 baths doesn’t pay for itself. Few people I know can keep up on expensives through retirement funds only.

        So… that empty nester (couple/or not) rents out two rooms. My BFF is renting a room in a large home. He has one of the master bedrooms. Own bath. Use of other rooms. The couple does take many vacations. There is a lot of alone time in that house.

        I’ve seen the term “older married couple” used in rooms to rent ads. It’s a screening tool. We are sort of low key people looking for low key renters.

        Party hearty types usually aren’t firing up to rent a room from an older married couple.

        Older and married isn’t awful. It sets the tone of the advertising.

        OP think long and hard what are your absolute deal breakers. Over night guests? How many and how long? Use of essential oils, glade plug ins, cigarettes, cigars and weed (old school smoking kind)? Quiet hours? Shared spaces. Parking spaces. Pets? Yay or nay? Can you roommate get a pet later on? What type? You’d think people would know enough not to purchase a Cockatoo for an apartment.

        Your single roommate has 50/50 custody and gets the kids every other weekend. There you are.

        Some people think they pay rent and are entitled to roast a goat in the living room. Don’t assume common sense or courtesy

        There are websites that deal with roommate contracts. Research your state and locality for renters/tennants rights. If you need to broom the roommate, you want to know BEFORE, not scrambling during a horrible situation trying to figure it out.

        Good luck finding someone compatible and gives the rent on time.

        1. Jessen*

          Often that’s a legal advantage of renting a room in someone’s house, rather than going with roommates. The warning I’d give on roommate contracts is often what happens is that YOU are (jointly) liable to the landlord for unpaid rent or damages to the property – if everything isn’t paid up all tenants get evicted. You may then try to recover your costs from your roommate. This can be a lot of work and you may still end up having to front a good deal of money or ending up with an eviction on your record.

          If you’re renting a room in someone’s house, you’re generally only going to be liable for your personal share of the rent and any damages you personally cause. The flip side is you often have fewer protections and it’s easier for the landlord to be overly involved in your life. Sometimes it’s a temptation for empty nesters to try to parent younger tenants.

          1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

            The disadvantage of renting a room is use of the common spaces. If the couple already live in the home, it is likely full of their stuff, and they have routines already.

            Do you get empty cabinets in the kitchen? Shelves in the fridge? Can you change any decorations in the living room/keep your books on a shelf in there? Can you have friends over to watch movies in the living room?

            Those things can be easier to negotiate with two or more people moving into a new “blank” space. But you may have the problems of partying/noisy roommates or SOs sleeping over all the time in a younger demographic.

      3. Parenthetically*

        Huh? OP was just stating a fact — the implication being that most older married folks aren’t on the hunt for a housemate. Why are you looking for criticism where there is none?

      4. the.kat*

        Oh geesh, I didn’t mean it to be old and awful. I mostly meant that most older married couples I know aren’t looking to take on a renter. Trust me when I tell you that I’d much rather be an old married couple than a singleton trying to make it on my own.

    4. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      If you live in a big city, you could look into the local schools to see if there is a bulletin board type service for grad students – physical board or virtual. You might be more likely to find the roommate Holy Grail of “pays money, never home.”

    5. Scooper26*

      I just moved to a new city and found a roommate, so I got this down.

      There are A LOT of roommate websites. Most of them are like dating sites in where you make a profile: are you looking for a room or offering, habits, etc. and then you can look for matches. Roommates.com is probably one of the best
      You might like roomiematch, rather than having a public profile, you fill out a survey and they send you matches through email then you can reach out to them.

      Oddly, I ended up finding my current roommate through Facebook. I joined a group that was basically Current Area Housing and Roommates and found her through there. Maybe there’s something like that in your area?

    6. Sunflower*

      Try the app Roomi- I used it during my last roommate search and found it very useful. It’s great because you can search via a map and also filter out things aka must be ok pets. I also used Diggz, spareroom and roomzoom. I think it was Diggz that you could rate your feelings on certain roommate preferences from 1-10- was awesome but those sites didn’t have as many people as Roomi did. Craigslist is also still a pretty good bet but you have to dig through more fake listings. Keep in mind if it’s too good to be true, it probably is.

      Facebook isn’t a bad place to post either- they have a marketplace for roommates but I found it a little confusing. Check local groups or alumni groups on there for postings as well.

  75. anon24*

    We lost power for a few hours tonight. It was fine, we had candles for warmth and light. Power came back on and my cat frantically ran around checking all the appliances and anything that runs off power. I do not know why he does this or how on earth he is smart enough to make the connection. He didn’t learn it from us, but he did it the only other time we lost power and didn’t relax until he was sure everything was working and ok. It’s super adorable.

    2. The New Wanderer*

      We had kind of the opposite – came home Friday to a colder than usual house. Turns out our kitten had just barely dislodged a furnace-related cord during one of his freak-out running around sessions and it shut down. He’s fine, furnace is back up and running, and now we need a way to keep an active 7 mo old very large kitten from tearing around in such a way that cords are dislodged!

  76. Courageous cat*

    Anyone wear Solstice Scents perfume? Tell me your favorite ones! I just ordered my second sample pack.

    1. foolofgrace*

      Never heard of it but it sounds interesting. I am always looking for a “fresh” scent, like Rain, but I only know of one company, I Hate Perfume, that makes scents like this. I love their scents but they don’t last long and they aren’t cheap (worth the money, I just can’t really afford them right now).

      1. Courageous cat*

        I’m reading the Harry Potter series for the first time in my life at age 31 (never seen the movies either). I’m about to finish the first book and it’s definitely better than I expected – I thought maybe I’d missed the boat and it wouldn’t live up to expectations. It’s cool to finally understand references I see all over the internet though!

  77. Boutlaw*

    I’ve been running around in high gear trying to help my parents navigate the loss of their home due to Hurricane Michael, which seems to have fallen out of conversation at a national level.

    https://www.gofundme.com/pc-hurricane-relief-fund?sharetype=teams&member=1004094&rcid=r01-15425449758-b44c393524e84e4f&pc=ot_co_campmgmt_m

    If anyone wants to/can help, that is a link to the GoFundMe we are running for them. More than a month later, there has been little world from their insurance company and no help at all from FEMA.

  78. Be the Change*

    Family question. My father died rather suddenly earlier this year. He married a very nice woman 17 years ago, I was in my 30s and my siblings were adults as well. We were not close to Dad’s wife but there was no tension. We didn’t call or visit much, and when I did call she would immediately hand the phone to dad.

    There is no property or anything to discuss, in fact if anything we sibs want to make sure that dad’s debts do not cause trouble for his widow.

    The question is, what is the decent relationship now? Cards, calls on holidays, invites to major family events like weddings, or… let it go?

    2. CAA*

      Definitely cards on holidays, especially this first year when she is grieving deeply. If you feel warmly towards her and happen to be in the area some time, it would be very nice to visit her or invite her to lunch and just tell her that you are glad your Dad had her in his life.

    3. Suzette*

      I think any of those options is fine, depending on how you feel. As a baseline I’d probably do holiday and birthday cards, and invites to weddings if the event is on the medium-large side (so not if the idea is to have a small wedding, for example). But if you feel like that’s too much it’s perfectly OK to let things fade – it doesn’t sound like she has sought a closer relationship over those 17 years. If you want to keep her in your life, maybe think of it as you would a distant aunt or cousin, and calibrate accordingly. If not, you can let things taper off gradually over the next couple of years – I’d say it’s probably kindest to send holiday cards this year, at least.

    4. Parenthetically*

      Cards — the anniversary of your dad’s passing and/or his birthday might be nice to commemorate with a card. Maybe a newsy email/update letter a couple times a year letting her know how you all are. I think over time if she responds eagerly, casually, or not at all, you can take further cues and go from there.

    5. Sylvan*

      Cards and low-pressure invitations, if that is what you and your siblings would like. See where it goes.

      My family “adopted” my late grandfather’s best friend/girlfriend as another grandmother, but we were all close to her before my grandfather’s death. This was what all of us wanted. Go for what works for you and your siblings.

    6. Be the Change*

      Thank you everyone, and Harriet J below as well. This sounds very much like my inclination. I’ll send flowers at Thanksgiving and Xmas, and ask my sibs if they want their names on them. A card on Dad’s birthday is a very nice idea indeed.

  79. Harriet J*

    A dear friend is widow in your step-mother’s situation. She really appreciated being kept in the loop with cards, emails, and texts. It is very important to her that she follow through with her husband’s wishes for his grandchildren – helping to fund college, weddings, etc. It sounds like your financial situation is different.
    In general, I think it is easier to have a lot of contact at first and then pull back if she doesn’t seem interested (keeping in mind that she is also in mourning) then do to the reverse.

  80. The Other Dawn*

    Tomorrow I’m going for a lumbar medial branch block to see if I would be a candidate for nerve ablation. I’m so nervous. I know that the pain level will likely be about the same as the cortisone shots I had earlier this year (last one was a little rough) and it will be over quickly, but I’m still nervous. Doctor’s office said I could take Tylenol or Percocet before I come to the office, but that’s it. They don’t do sedation for this. My rational mind knows that I need to do it in order to know if I would be able to try the ablation for longer-term pain relief, and I’m tired of waking up around 3-4 am and starting to toss and turn (even with Tylenol PM or Percocet, I still wake up). But my irrational mind just wants to sit and worry about it today. I’m headed out to see “Bohemian Rhapsody” in an hour, so that will keep me occupied for a bit. Although sitting through a movie is tough these days, so I’ll probably have to get up a few times.

    No question, just thinking out loud.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      I will keep you in my thoughts tomorrow. You will have to let us know how it went and how you are doing.

    2. Enough*

      Good thoughts. I’m starting down your road. Finishing up PT which has been very helpful. Shots have been recommended. See how it goes.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Good luck! I tried PT and it helped to a point, but then it just leveled off. Shots didn’t work much for me. Lasted about three weeks each time. But everyone is different. Some get much longer term relief.

    5. The Other Dawn*

      Thanks, all! At this point, “success” for me would be being able to sleep through the night and not have to get up for the day within five minutes of waking up. I SO wish I could just lay in bed and read a book the way I did when I was younger.

      I was supposed to see Bohemian Rhapsody, but when I went online before I left I noticed that only the first two rows of seats were still open so my friend and I said we’ll try it next week. (Probably better off since it’s hard for me to sit through a movie.) Instead, husband and I went to the local discount store where we got our couch last and found out that it’s now 90.00 cheaper than what we paid. I showed them my receipt and they refunded us the difference, so that was a nice little surprise. :)

      Now I’ll have some leftover pepperoni pizza, change back into the flannel and hang with the kitties for a bit.

  81. NACSACJACK*

    Hello all,

    Until I started reading today’s list, I didnt think of this as a place to put this issue, but here it is.

    My mom and I went to a neighbor’s funeral yesterday. We decided not to stay for the luncheon. So, my thought is, get out before everyone sits down to eat. My mom instead decides to engage an old neighbor and good friend of the other neighbor in a long conversation that made sure they were the last to get food and then decides to stop in the office right off the main room to discuss some details of her funeral arrangements. I was frustrated! I’m starving. She’s the one that didnt want to stay for lunch. I consider it rude to discuss your own funeral arrangements, even small details, with the funeral home staff during someone else’s funeral. How do I bring this up with her? Your thoughts? Some background first – This is a small town/city. This is the only funeral home in town. She has previously set some arrangements. She can driver herself to town, schedule an appointment, or even call later.

    1. Parenthetically*

      Let it goooooooooooooo. What good outcome are you hoping for from giving your mother a talking-to for being “rude”? (Also, FYI, I wouldn’t consider that rude. If the office was open and no one was busy, why shouldn’t she take the opportunity to firm some things up with the staff there?) Are you hoping for an apology? For her to feel chastened or guilty? To get her to agree with you that she was being rude? Answering that question might help you decide it’s just not worth it, or at least give you some insight into your own emotional state and relationship with her.

      I think in the moment, you could have said, “Mom, I’m starting to get a little shaky and I really need to eat. Can you schedule a time to come in and chat with them another time?” But now that it’s passed, it’s seriously not worth wasting any more of your emotional energy, and certainly not worth re-hashing the whole scenario for the small payoff of getting your mother to admit that she inconvenienced you and did something you considered rude — if that even were the outcome.

      1. NACSACJACK*

        Actually the part I consider rude is discussing her funeral arrangements in the middle of someone else’s funeral.

        1. Parenthetically*

          Yes, that’s what I mean, I don’t consider it to be particularly rude — but didn’t you say the service was over at that point, since it was after she stopped to talk to her friend? So after the funeral, while the office staff were around and available, she saw the chance and took it. You believe that’s rude. I don’t, she didn’t, the funeral staff didn’t think it was rude enough to refuse to do business with her then. But in any case, even granting that it was rude by some objective standard, what do you hope to gain by bringing it up?

        2. Not So NewReader*

          I think the discussion was subtracting from the focus of the moment. But the funeral home people did not redirect her such as, “Okay, give me a call on Tuesday and I will help you.” So they must have been okay with it. For that reason, I’d let it go.

          I do think it’s rude to cut people off from food when they are hungry, though. That was pretty thoughtless to me.

        3. Courageous cat*

          Well if she stood up during the services, beckoned for a staff member and asked right then and there, then yes that would be “in the middle of someone else’s funeral” and rude, but if she asked them away from where the services are and no one else was listening to her, then I don’t see the problem at all.

    2. Wishing You Well*

      One super power (which I’m still working on) is to notice in the moment that an agreement made ahead of time has become null and void. That’s the time to renegotiate. “Mom, if you’re going to talk awhile, I’m going to go eat.” or “I’ve changed my mind – I’m eating.”
      Being hangry (hungry-angry) is hard to deal with. If this was a one-time event with your mother, I’d let it go. If breaking agreements is her pattern, you’ll need a coping strategy that works best for you.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I have often thought presence of mind is a cultivated thing. It’s not totally in us at birth, we have to grow it.

    3. LilySparrow*

      The funeral home staff are not emotionally invested in the funeral. They are at work, and part of their job is to sell funeral services to new customers. Asking people at their job to do business with you and sell you things is not rude. Most likely, they get some of their best commissions from the after-funeral crowd.

      Telling your daughter not to eat because you’re leaving, and then hanging around talking with people, is inconsiderate. Telling your mother “Mom, I’m starving. If you’re staying to talk, I’m going to eat.” is not rude, it’s a reasonable way to meet your own needs.

  82. Epsilon Delta*

    So my kid is having a birthday party in a week and I am struggling to get her friends’ contact info to send the invites. I am looking for two pieces of advice.

    Kid’s elementary school has an online family directory which, quite frankly, sucks. Out of nearly 60 kids in her grade, only 17 have contact info in the directory. The kids are not supposed to pass out invites at school, so I sent Kid to school with a list of her friends that were invited and told her to ask for their phone numbers. This is a list of like 10 kids and I am sure she will not be able to get each kid’s contact info. Gah – what else can I do?

    Second question – why does the directory suck, and what are some ways to increase the number of people in it? I can think of a few possible reasons but I wonder if anyone else has thoughts. I’d really like to bring this to the school to see if they can improve the directory for next year.

    First, since the directory is online, people may be concerned about privacy. The directory is password-protected so only other members of the school who signed up to be in the directory can see it, and parents are told this when they sign up. Still, I can see how it would concern some people.

    Another thought I have is that people don’t realize they can sign up for the directory because it’s one of many things they have to do during back-to-school orientation, and they have to it on a Chromebook at the school, rather than through a paper form or during the rest of the online registration. So it’s not obvious, and it’s not easy to sign up (people really struggle to use the Chromebook).

    Are there any other obvious barriers to signing up for a school directory?

    1. Koala dreams*

      Do you meet the other parents when you pick up/drop off your kid from school? It might be easier to ask the parents directly than going through the kids and risk details getting lost in the process. It’s probably too late now, but for next year you can make an effort to connect with the families at parents’ meetings, and invite friends for playdates so you know them a bit better before the party.

    3. Owler*

      You can reach out to the teacher and ask for advice. Sometimes teachers are willing to forward email in lieu of dealing with the aftermath of paper invite issues.

      Also, the directories are the bane of most schools. For privacy reasons, they can’t make it an opt-out, and it’s only useful if there’s majority participation happens. My kid’s school did a weird go-around where the room parent coordinated a class list so teacher didn’t have to. And we are a school in a high tech area, where you’d think we could do it online. Sigh.

    4. Wishing You Well*

      Ask your kid’s teacher/staff for advice. Search Facebook for parents’ groups. Ask other parents for advice.
      Hire a detective? :)

    5. Nita*

      Most likely, giving the invites to the teacher is the way to go. They can put them in the kids’ bags.

    6. LilySparrow*

      Is there a “room mom” aka room parent? Ours coordinates all the bringing-in of snacks and special decorations, or teacher gifts, or volunteer coverage for duty-free lunch, that kind of thing. She has her own email list that people opt-in for on orientation day, it’s just a paper signup sheet. I can usually cull needed emails off of her distribution list.

      There are a lot of reasons parents may not want to use an online directory: The first one I can think of is that sometimes you have problems with people in your own community, that may have legitimate access to the directory! Just because the kids all go to the same school doesn’t mean the parents all get along (or are necessarily good people to communicate with.) There may also be serious safety issues with noncustodial parents or toxic family members who have a history of social-engineering access to contact info you didn’t give them.

      There are parents who misuse school directories to solicit business, beg for charity sponsorships, proselytize for their religion, or ask for donations to their personal gofundme’s. I’ve had this happen to me enough times that I wouldn’t want the whole school to have my email address, for sure.

      And there are parents who just want to minimize the amount of email they get, so they only give it out on an individual basis.

      In your situation, the best way is probably to give your daughter separate notes for each kid, with your phone number and/or email. If they want to come to the party, somebody has to get in touch with you.

  83. MattKnifeNinja*

    Reasons not barriers…

    Divorce, restraining orders, depending where you live dodging immigration, bill collectors, and the warrant officer. I’ve heard all these reasons why parents don’t sign up. Also some parents don’t want to be bugged.

    My niece’s school makes you opt in to opt out of the school directory or having images used in school newsletters etc.

    This means the default is everyone is on the directory, and okay for media use. People who don’t want that must bring a paper form to opt out. The school does a paper blast and email blast to opt out. You can revoke consent at any time.

    As for contact information, my sister has stalked through Twitter, Instagram and Facebook to get a hold of parents. You can google stalk them. Take a spin on White Pages online.

    To get around handing out “invites” I know people who have handed a photo with a QR code on it, and a link to Sign Up Genius (party planning website). Sort of the “put this in your back pack and give it to mom”. The school has no clue what the QR square is for, and the link can be vague.

    Yeah. I know. It’s still an invite and you need a kid who won’t screech here’s an invitation to my birthday. It can be done.

  84. Lcsa99*

    I just finished watching the 1945 film The Picture of Dorian Gray, and once again I am stuck by how much more artistic films were back then. The effort they put into making films suspenseful, and how they manage to depict murders without needing a single drop of blood is just awesome. Don’t get me wrong, this one is no Hitchcock, but it always seems like they used to try so much harder to get films right.

    1. Panda Bandit*

      They had subtlety and class. :) There might have been regulations against showing certain things in movies then – comic books definitely had strict regulations for quite a while – but I think it’s better filmmaking to leave the act to your imagination. Unfortunately it’s like everyone is trying to outdo each other with gore lately.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      So agree. Comparatively, today’s movies assume people are empty-headed and need to be shown everything in order to understand what just happened. And the films had interesting concepts that left the audience thinking. Dorian Gray: What if we were ageless? The movie shows people reacting to how weird it is that the man never ages.
      It’s A Wonderful Life: Well, what would people around me be doing if I had never been born?

      Interesting stuff.

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