the come-hither pirate and other stories of office holiday mayhem

by Alison Green on December 25, 2018

Earlier this month, I asked you to share your funniest office holiday stories. Here are eight of my favorites.

1. The come-hither pirate

“This wasn’t a White Elephant gift, but one a coworker who didn’t last so long gave to all the unpartnered women under 40: A studio portrait of himself, semi-80s background, with lasers, soft focus,, standing, with his hand on his chin, a ‘come hither’ look, and his parrot on his shoulder.”

2. The wrapped ears of corn

“White elephant gifts from holidays 2017:
1) A crumpled Starbucks bag with a mug purchased 5 minutes after the exchange stated.
2) A mug and a notebook featuring the photo of an employee. The employee pictured was not the employee that brought this gift.
3) A vacuum-sealed bag containing two fully cooked, intact ears of corn.”

Also, a photo of the corn was submitted.

3. The rescue by mom

“Last year was the first time since 1994 my company had hard alcohol as a part of their open bar. It will probably also be the last. To set the stage: We are already a pretty hard drinking crowd (work hard, play hard), the only food they had was sushi, servers were walking around with trays of margaritas to immediately replace any drink getting low.

Events that took place: someone’s fiance threw up on a bouncer’s shoes, someone got into an argument with a bartender because they made the wrong drink, someone got stoned in the bathroom, someone passed out in the non-smokey bathroom making it unavailable, I apparently found french fries somewhere and took the whole bowl and hid under a curtained table with them all until my mom – we work for the same company – saw my shoes sticking out and made me crawl out and put the bowl back (I have no memory of this). I also apparently tried to get into the wrong car to go home and my SO had to steer me away while I kept trying to go back to ‘the car’ – the driver apparently found this funny (again zero memories).

A large group of people were individually called up to the CFO’s office for a ‘chat’ about their behavior. I somehow avoided this, but that was probably because taking the fries isn’t that big compared to the rest!”

4. The Grief Poinsettia

“It was one of those lunchtime holiday parties where people sat in groups around round tables. At the center of each table was a poinsettia. The big boss/emcee announced that she realized that some in the crowd must have experienced hard times that year. She invited people to share their tales of woe, and whoever told the saddest story at each table would win the poinsettia. No one volunteered.”

5. The bald spot cake attack

“At the company party at the job before last, one of the senior VPs was clearly fighting with his wife. They mostly mingled with different groups, but their time together was marked by a series of tense, whispered conversations… which must have been a lot tenser than I thought, because the last one culminated in her mashing a slice of cake into his bald spot and storming out the door.”

6. The rescued rib

“My office had a fancy holiday party that had a huge table of sushi and other fancy finger-food appetizers. Enough to feed an army, and constantly replenished by the catering staff. Well…

Someone dropped a barbecue short rib appetizer on the floor, sauce-side down. That person walked away and grabbed a fresh one from the table. A different coworker came along, saw the floor-food, picked it up AND ATE IT like it was the most normal thing in the world.”

7. The flush

“It was my first holiday party at my office fresh out of undergrad, and with my hearty Irish heritage I am prone to 1) generally ferocious rosacea and 2) an especially vivid red flush after my first drink. I arrived to the party late because I’d walked form work (it was at a hotel conference room area), met with friends, and grabbed a glass of wine. Pretty much immediately after finishing the glass I got my customary alcohol flush.

One of my coworkers (the office front desk manager, so she’d been involved with the whole party, like ordering food, etc) had been drinking way too much at this point, and was already pretty drunk. We wound up in the bathroom washing our hands at the same time. ‘Oh my god, you’re so red,’ she said. I tried to play it off (‘haha yeah, this happens all the time, definitely not something I spend literal hundreds of dollars at dermatologists before I found out it was genetic’), and she goes, ‘Are you allergic to something? Are you having a reaction?’

I tried to tell her it was just my face but she lost her mind. She was positive I was allergic to something. I finally escaped but she kept finding me periodically over the span of probably the next half hour or so, and every time she got more freaked out that I was having an allergic reaction. Her reactions went from slightly worried but having too much fun to think about it to grabbing my cheeks and feeling my pulse. Finally I thought I lost her by hiding with some friends in a corner.

NOT SO. Fifteen minutes later I’m over at the table pondering which cake slice to take when this woman appears with an epi-pen clutched precariously in her fist, pulls me around by my shoulder, and tries to LIFT MY DRESS UP to get to my thigh!! I’m scrambling away, she’s too drunk (thank god) to actually be effective at stabbing me with adrenaline I DON’T NEED, and worst of all because she got me by surprise she hoisted a decent bit of my dress up and all my colleagues saw least a good portion of my cheeks, framed tastefully by the the red velvet and vanilla cake options on the dessert table behind me.

My company handled it really well – called a car for her to go home, followed up with me then and there, and had separate meetings with us on Monday, as the party was on a Friday evening. Her intentions were honestly good (if not soaked in alcohol) and given the weekend I was beginning to find it funny that I’d effectively mooned all the higher ups and they had to be professional about it, so in the end I think she just went through some sensitivity training. She was also MORTIFIED, apologized nonstop for the next week, etc. I’m no longer at that job but what an intro to the world of Corporate Christmas Parties.”

8. The stolen Jesus

“We had our office Christmas party in the upstairs of a nearby bar ~5 or 6 years ago. We thought it went really well, only one person who had to be sent home in a cab, good times and no drama… And then we received a call from the bar that someone had stolen the baby Jesus out of their almost-life-sized nativity scene and we were not welcome back.

An email went out to all the staff asking for His return, but I don’t think the mystery was ever solved. I had another Christmas party for a different office at that bar a couple years later and they no longer had a nativity scene on display.”

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  1. Augusta Sugarbean*

    Ye gods. I’m sudden totally happy that we never have parties of any kind at my severely dysfunctional workplace. The Epi-Pen woman is terrifying!

  2. Alucius*

    Re #8: The Bible says that Jesus’s return will be like a thief in the night. I guess someone decided that his departure should follow suit.

    3. Traffic_Spiral*

      Yeah, someone should have responded to that email with “he will be returned some day. But of that day and hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels of heaven, but the Father only.”

      1. FD*

        With the news of upcoming layoffs, this would lead to a lengthy email debate about whether the figure would be returned before, during, or afterwards…

    4. ElspethGC*

      My favourite part of that one is the Biblically-correct capitalisation of “Him”. I don’t know why, but I can just hear the capitalised letters dropped in as the staff discuss the stolen bar nativity Jesus.

    1. FD*

      Yeah, honestly, I kind of agree. It would be nice if everyone was polite but it seems to me like they’re lucky it hasn’t been vandalized before now.

    2. Liane*

      I don’t know. He did enjoy a few parties–weddings, dinners–and invited Himself to some. Anyone recall Zaccheus the tax collector?
      Also, a couple members of my Sunday school class were talking about visiting a friend’s church downtown for a special Christmas season service, then going to a nearby pub for its Beer and Carols event.

    3. I Wrote This in the Bathroom*

      As someone whose child has once fallen into a nativity scene and broke a figurine, I agree. If a two-year-old was able to do damage to a nativity scene, a drunken adult at a bar could totally destroy all of it by stumbling and falling. Does not even have to be ill-intentioned.

  4. Observer*

    #3 is a bit scary. I hope they are getting some help for what sounds like problem drinking – getting so drunk that you don’t remember is a problem, even if you don’t do something incredibly inappropriate.

    1. WellRed*

      Eh, if you don’t typically drink liquor and they keep refilling ya, this isn’t all that surprising. Especially with tequila. No need to enroll in the 12 steps yet.

      1. PhyllisB*

        Amen!! Years ago when my sister and he husband were stationed in Japan my mother and I visited her. She gave a luncheon to welcome us and then later that evening we were to go to the Officer’s Club for Mongolian BBQ. Well, champagne was being served and there I was sipping along on what I thought was one glass while socializing and not paying attention to how much was in my glass. Everything was okay then, but later when we were at the Officer’s Club it all hit me like a ton of bricks. I excused myself to the ladies room and was so weak and sick I was laying in the floor. My sister came to check on me and saw my feet sticking out from under the stall. She had to take me home and put me to bed and return to her guests. Later she admitted she had been topping my glass off all day and had no idea it would affect me that way.

    2. ElspethGC*

      It happened to me once. Four mixed drinks (single vodka-and-cokes, interspersed with glasses of water) is all it takes when you don’t realise that you’re drinking on enough of an empty stomach for it to go straight to your head. I have two hours of my life missing, thankfully fully accounted for. That’s not a drinking problem, that’s a stupid mistake. It wasn’t an enjoyable feeling in the slightest and I don’t plan on repeating it.

      A drinking problem is “I deliberately plan on drinking so much that I black out and I enjoy doing this on a regular basis”, not “We had constant top-ups and didn’t get given any substantial food.”

      1. Observer*

        True. But the OP says that heavy drinking is typical in their environment. People who can be described as “already a pretty hard drinking crowd (work hard, play hard)” can be expected to have a bit of awareness of this stuff.

        1. MicrobioChic*

          Eh, just because it is a hard drinking environment doesn’t mean the LW is used to hard drinking. It’s definitely possible to be around people who work hard and play hard and not drink much yourself.

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        My now-husband’s restaurant background means he used to top off drinks for me & others. I repeatedly asked him not to do that because it meant I had no way to judge my intake. He ‘got it’ at last when dinner with guests took longer than planned and I left our party unannounced to go to bed. I thought I’d been nursing one mixed drink, but he’d topped it off from the pitcher more than once. Usually I do cleanup because he’s cooked
        …that time he had to do cleanup too. He taps me to get my attention now before pouring AND watches out that other do the same. He’s a keeper.

    3. Ann Furthermore*

      It happens. Our neighbors throw a pretty wild Halloween party every year. This year was the first time we were able to attend (we used to go to an annual party, but the couple broke up and both moved to different states). I was talking to one of our neighbors, who lives right next door to them, and he said, “Yeah, I always seem to get really drunk at this party. One year I didn’t even make it home.” I said, “Dude, you live right there (pointing to his house)!” He laughed and said, “Yeah, I know.”

      Later in the evening, I was, all of a sudden, completely smashed, and my husband and one of the neighbors walked me home, and my husband got me inside, upstairs, and into bed. I have a vague recollection of walking home, but nothing after that. I can’t remember the last time I drank so much that I didn’t remember something. My husband and I are not big drinkers as a rule. Maybe 2-3 times a year, we’ll tie one on, but other than that we don’t drink much.

      If I had a story like that from every weekend, yeah, that would be a problem. Once every few years is a good story.

      1. Observer*

        If I had a story like that from every weekend, yeah, that would be a problem. Once every few years is a good story.

        That’s really the key.While this is not something that happens at the company party, that’s apparently because the company doesn’t provide alcohol. But the OP says that these ARE people who drink fairly heavily on a regular basis – heavily enough that you would expect them to have a clue.

        1. Jennifer Juniper*

          And even when people don’t drink that much, it becomes a problem if they drink while:

          1. Pregnant / breast-feeding
          2. Driving
          3. Operating machinery

          2. Akcipitrokulo*

            Drinking while breastfeeding is fine.

            Don’t get drunk so that you can’t care for the baby safely unless there is another responsible adult there, and don’t bedshare after a drink, but there is not enough in the milk to avoid having a social drink and breastfeeding.

            1. Seeking Second Childhood*

              A drink while breastfeeding is fine, but the same amount of alcohol that makes it to the bloodstream makes it into breastmilk. CDC has numbers–no need to overstressed an infant’s tiny liver!

    4. Ra94*

      I think it’s making a huge and judgmental leap to accuse OP of ‘problem drinking’. Apart from the excellent points others have made, there are also some people whose memory is affected more strongly by alcohol than others. I can get very, very drunk and still remember absolutely every detail the next day. My best friend, however, starts to get hazy after a glass of wine, and will forget entire events after two or three. It’s not because his tolerance is lower, but alcohol just affects his memory very strongly.

      1. Observer*

        It’s true that some people are more affected than others. But if you happen to be one of those people who are more quickly affected, then you have less leeway. It doesn’t make you a worse person, but it does mean that a smaller amount of alcohol is a problem for you.

        Getting blackout drunk one time is not “problem drinking”. Getting blackout drunk as part of an ongoing pattern IS, regardless of whether you actually need to drink a lot for that to happen. It sounds like the latter is happening, based on the original description.

        1. Ra94*

          I still think you’re reaching a bit in saying it’s part of an ongoing pattern- we really don’t know enough to say that. Also, my point is that for someone like my friend (who is a bit of an extreme example, admittedly), ‘getting blackout drunk’ is something of a misnomer, because he doesn’t need to be drunk to lose entire chunks of memory. In fact, he’s a big guy, and will be far less inebriated than me after 3 glasses of wine. But he’ll still forget an hour or two afterwards, while I would remember absolutely everything.

    5. LGC*

      As someone who is VERY well versed in terrible life choices…maybe. I mean, I’ve blacked out before (when I was younger and more stupid with alcohol). And it’s not impossible to end up drinking more than you should unintentionally (on occasion).

      The concerning part is the context where it happened – a work party their mom was at. But then that’s my read on it. (And on top of that the company sounds dysfunctional around alcohol.)

    6. JulieCanCan*

      I don’t know? I’m usually the party planner and I’m embarrassed to admit that I’ve gotten blitzed to the point of a blackout a few times at open bar holiday parties. Not professional or appropriate, but it’s happened.

    7. nodramalama*

      This is a reach. It’s a christmas party with free flowing hard liquor. It happens. It doesn’t mean there’s a problem.

    8. GoingAnonAsTheWriter*

      Wow. Didn’t expect that much of a a reaction! So, just to clear this up real quick. While I’m sure I do have coworkers who refuraly drink hard alcohol to the point of blackout I do not -at least not since college 5 years ago. I don’t even drink hard liquor that much, which was where the problem was. It was really hard to keep track of how much you’d had bc of the set up and I don’t eat fish so my stomach was completly empty. Based on what happened I think the set up made it really hard for people who do drink a lot of hard liqor to keep track as well. I do think ur heart was in the right place but assuming I have a drinking problem based on the description of an extraordinary holiday party was taking it too far

      2. Rebecca in Dallas*

        I just love the visual of your mom seeing your shoes and catching you with a bowl of french fries! It seems like something I would do.

    9. I Wrote This in the Bathroom*

      I have never blacked out in my life, but I’m told that I am more of an exception to the rule.

      If it happens on a regular basis, then yes, I would agree that the person probably needs this looked into. Every once in a while appears to be common.

    2. chi type*

      It does say tasteful right there on the package. I’m imagining an email saying “Let’s keep the gift exchange nice and tasteful this year everyone.”

      1. zaracat*

        I can totally see that happening. You’re out shopping for a gift and see the label on the corn, remember the email and mentally go “tasteful? I’ll give you tasteful LOL”. Spoken as the person who entered a “carving” competition with a short documentary I’d made about meat carving at the medieval table.

    4. irritable vowel*

      “A photo of the corn was submitted” may be the funniest thing I’ve read here all (y)ear.

  6. SusanIvanova*

    I’d shut down #4 by saying that if I took a poinsettia home, the cats would eat it and I’d have a grief story for the next year.

    1. Jennifer Juniper*

      Here. Have an internet. You earned it. Merry Christmas.

      Also, that boss from #4 had to be related to Mr. O’Neill on Daria.

    2. Mookie*

      In a sense, that’d also be mine, in that I’d be griefstricken, too, if one of my black-thumb, philistine colleagues were awarded something I’d take better care of. I’ve seen their astroturf front lawns (we live in a mild climate where ‘phorbs thrive in the ground and on the porch).

      I bet there’d’be a millennial throwdown if it were (admittedly season-neutral) monstera on offer. When o when will this revival die its final and natural death?

  7. Traffic_Spiral*

    Gotta admit, if you had to be known for some stupid drunk incident, hiding under the table with all the stolen fries would be a decent story. Trying to stab someone in the ass with an epipen because you were sure they were in danger… not so much. Still funny, though.

    1. Observer*

      True. I was laughing at the image of the Mom seeing shoes sticking out from under the table.

      The epipen one is a bit different. I also wonder whose epi-pen she stole and what that person did about it.

      1. JaneB*

        My sisters boyfriend was easy to find at teenage parties after a certain time – alcohol made him anxious and hungry, and he always took up residence under the kitchen table with a box of dry cereal…

      2. Partly Cloudy*

        The shoes: me too, and it reminds me of when Dorothy’s house lands on the Wicked Witch of the West.

        3. GoingAnonAsTheWriter*

          THEY WERE RED TOO (if only sparkley)! Thank you for pointing out the wizard of Oz bit! Love that movie!!

      3. Nancie*

        If I remember correctly, the OP commented that the Epipen-wielder regularly carried a spare Epipen because her son had serious allergies.

        1. JessaB*

          Which would be worse because an under dose would not help if the OP was actually having trouble. Kid epi pens have a different dose than adult ones. AND sometimes you need two. They sell em in pairs for a reason.

  8. jcarnall*

    The party LW3 describes sounds like one I would have left early as politely as I could (say one plate of vegetarian sushi and half a margarita).

    (No blame to LW3 – if you don’t usually drink and you don’t much like sushi, hiding under a table with a bowl of fries seems to me a perfectly logical response…. and not exactly a “chat in my office” offence, either.)

    Both LW3’s and LW7’s parties are exactly why I massively prefer works parties where there is either no booze or extremely limited booze.

    1. I Wrote This in the Bathroom*

      LW3’s party reminded me of one party an OldJob had. It was the first year after we’d been bought by a larger company. Previous owner did dinner parties at a nice venue with plus ones for our holiday party. New owners decided to cut down on the costs and have the party right after work, at a party center across the street, no plus ones, appetizers only for the food, and two drink tickets per person. But I work in IT, and the guys in our infrastructure support group knew everyone in the company, since they had at some point fixed all of their computers. Including the woman who was in charge of giving out the drink tickets. I had five drinks at that party, and I’m guessing a couple of appetizers, cannot speak for everyone else. At seven PM the party ended and we all walked out of the party center completely trashed. No one had anticipated it happening. A today’s older and wiser me would’ve stopped after a drink or two, but the past me was all about the free booze. At least I do not have any wild stories to tell. Everyone somehow behaved. No one hid under the table with the fries, because there weren’t any fries.

    2. Indie*

      I would leave early too. But I would know to do that because of my ‘no one is counting the drinks or the drink to food ratio’ experiences of yore. Also, I dont drink any more. If I were still a drinker and the margaritas and sushi were delicious, it is plausible I could have ended up with under table fries myself.

      Which, I have to say are some stellar drunken instincts. Getting salt and food into oneself while screening yourself away is about as sensible as it gets.

  9. Lola*

    In my old office Halloween was the wild party. They banned hard alcohol after my first year but someone always got sick. I never stayed past 4 but a lot of ppl did. The worst Christmas party was us awkwardly sitting around a conference room with no alcohol and the boss suggesting we sing carols.

    1. Jennifer Juniper*

      If I worked in that office, that would be the last time they suggested that particular activity! I have a singing voice like a Siamese in a blender.

      1. I'm just here for the comments*

        Jennifer thank you for that description:) it made me picture my 2 siamese caterwauling together at midnight as they are wont to do (one has a pretty but loud voice, the other sounds mournful and dying).

        I guess the best Christmas/ holiday party story I have is one year I went to a large multi-company party held at a casino, and the dj/ host was at another table doing his shtick and kept referring to someone as “sir”. The person responded “i’m a woman” . This was in front of what felt like 1000 people.

  10. AlexandrinaVictoria*

    As someone else with a perpetually red face, I feel No. 7 so hard! (Irish heritage here, too.) No one has ever come at me with an injectable, but I have had people following me around convinced I was about to drop dead from a heart attack. No folks, just rosacea, nothing to see here!!!

    1. Loose Seal*

      I have rosecea and take an antibiotic for it every day, which helps a bunch with the breakouts. But the redness can break through even if I’m being careful about avoiding triggers. Once I was in truancy court (while I worked for CPS in case the judge wanted to refer a case to us (education neglect is a thing in our state and sometimes it takes CPS to make sure a kid gets the education they are entitled to)) and the judge kept stopping between cases to check on me because she thought I was having a reaction to something. She even made the deputy that was stationed there go get his first aid kit to check my blood pressure. No amount of my saying I was fine and it was just rosecea would stop her from doing this. I was so embarrassed.

  12. Anaphylexit*

    Sorry I missed the call for stories, but here’s mine: In my mid 20s, I worked for a large, old, uptight engineering firm. So I was surprised when a fellow accountant warned me that our mutual (late 50s) co-worker liked to “party a little differently”. We decided avoid them and sat a different table, but the woman and her spouse followed us. When they learned my husband owned a welding company, they asked him to make large, heavy cages… People-sized cages. Flabbergasted, he didn’t say “no” fast enough – and during his shocked silence they took the opportunity to invite us over for a post-party swinging sleepover.

    I said no as politely as I could, waited 15 minutes, and faked a food allergy to make an escape.

    1. Jennifer Juniper*

      EEEEEEEWWWWWW!!!!!!! Glad you got away from those creeps!

      And put the tomatoes down, people. I’m calling out those creeps as creepy because they followed Analphylexit and their husband around the party – and propositioned them at said party! Not because of what said creeps do in their bedroom.

    2. Perpal*

      I would have been way too curious not to take up that invite. I mean, maybe not the full sleepover, but I just want to understand more what a “Swinging sleepover” with cages actually is

  13. CatCat*

    #2 the corn just kills me! So glad we got the photo!

    #4 omg this sounds like something an exBoss of mine would have done. SMH.

    1. SheLooksFamiliar*

      A former boss of mine did! ‘Let’s talk about our favorite family members who have passed on, and how we keep their memories alive at Christmas. I’ll go first…’ The women had ugly-cry make up damage, a lot of choked up guys simply stared at their shoes…it was brutal. At least the food and music were good.

      1. Jennifer Juniper*

        Yikes! Sounds like some kind of creepy vampire who feeds on sadness is making the rounds…

        1. SheLooksFamiliar*

          She had good intentions, and I know she had a loss in her family earlier in the year. But yeah, it was hard to get back to a festive mood after that!

  15. Bowserkitty*

    The epi-pen coworker has me ROLLING. Oh my goodness.

    These are all so wonderful honestly. My parties have always been so boring!!

  16. kittymommy*

    I an’t gonna lie:
    #2. I’d eat he corn. Without an ounce of shame. I’d probably trade for it as well.

    #3 I would totally steal a bowl of fried and hide under table, Completely sober. Especially if I can avoid crazy-ass people.

    #7. I would have probably hit the c-worker. And knowing myself, it would have been with something hard and within easy reach.

    #8 If you’re stealing bay jesus, you have made some extremely poor decisions in your life. Seriously.

    3. Jennifer Juniper*

      #7 – I would have screamed and bitten the co-worker and called the police. I would think the co-worker was trying to inject me with fentanyl or something else so they could drag me home to the basement and rape/kill me. But then, I have a morbid streak and am rather paranoid.

        1. Anonny*

          To be fair, it’s rarely a good sign when a drunk co-worker hikes up your skirt and tries to stick an unsolicited needle in your leg…

  17. Miaw*

    A company wide email asking for the return of Jesus totally killed me. Hahahahhahaha please tell me the one sending the message took the once in a lifetime chance to make a pun out of it.

    1. Pomona Sprout*

      Sorry about this. I’ve been trying to post something and it disappears into cyberspace every time, so I was testing whether pisting was working. I guess there must be something wrong with what I’m trying to post *SIGH*

      1. (Different) Rebecca, PhD*

        If it’s got a link, it’ll go to moderation. Certain other things will too, but I am certain about the link.

  20. Anony Mouse*

    OP #7

    Speaking as an Asian person, that flush you get from drinking alcohol sounds like alcohol flush reaction. It’s very common among people of East Asian descent, so it’s often known as the Asian flush, but all kinds of people get it.

    After consuming alcohol, an enzyme called alcohol dehydrogenases (ADH) converts alcohol into acetaldehyde, a toxin that is the byproduct of metabolized alcohol, which another enzyme called aldehyde dehydrogenase 2 (ALDH2) then metabolizes into a less harmful substance called acetate.

    Facial flushing is a reaction that occurs in people with a deficiency in ALDH2, where alcohol is metabolized and processed up to 100 times faster than the average human. A deficiency in the ALDH2 enzyme means that acetaldehyde builds up in the body, causing flushing and other symptoms such as increased heart rate and nausea.

    I just wanted to post because it’s an entirely benign phenomenon:

    ALDH2-deficient individuals are at a much higher risk of developing esophageal cancer (specifically squamous cell carcinoma) from drinking alcohol than individuals with fully active ALDH2 enzymes.

    1. A Very Smart Airhead*

      Did you mean *not* an entirely benign phenomenon? And thank you… this happens to my husband and I’m showing him that last part!

  21. Mookie*

    My primary objection, beyond the obvious, to GlamourPirate is his cruelty in preventing everyone else (from crone to confirmed bachelor)
    from storing his photo in their wallet to share with strangers when stranded / inconvenienced in public / asked to mingle at parties they didn’t want to attend in the first place full of wankers they’ve never met.

    It’s not every day you can provide visual exhibits to enhance the realism of your Christ, What an Asshole bonding exercise. So, he’s cheap and a Luddite*, on top of everything else.

    *post it on instagram like a normal human being in search of attention

  22. Indie*

    Can we all just bask in the beautiful awkward silence that followed the offer to win a grief poinsettia?

    Also, I have a relative who loves to complain and I am going to amuse myself by giving her poinsettias now….

  23. Rae*

    Because I’m me I would have responded to the grief contest with something like “I got a paper cut from wrapping paper this one time”. But I am well known for refusing to take anything seriously or airing any type of dirty laundry in public.

    2. Anonny*

      I’d be tempted to do a dramatic synopsis of a TV episode or something. See how long it takes for them to realise I’m actually just recounting the plot of a Doctor Who serial and replacing the character names with those of my co-workers.

  24. SpaceySteph*

    Re #3: You expect me to believe the combination of the least-filling food and the most-likely-to-get-you-trashed liquor was a mistake? Methinks someone on the party planning committee was looking for trouble.

    1. GoingAnonAsTheWriter*

      I actually don’t really think any planning /direction really happened. The receptionist who normally does that stuff had retired a little b4 reservations were made. Rumor has it that the c-suite just had the venue/bar/restraunt handle everything. Somehow we were at the same place this year. A reminder that it is a work party & there was only beer and wine went out the day of. There was food literally everywhere, so either they remember us or someone took the reigns

  25. Canadian Natasha*

    Wait, am I the only one who misread the last sentence of #7 (the epi pen mooning) which actually says “…but what an intro to the world of Corporate Christmas Parties.” as “…but what an intro to the world of Corporate Christmas PANTIES.”?
    ROFL

  27. Diane Lockhart*

    Where’s Mr. Burt Reynolds? Or was that one too mean/too mean at the expense of someone other than the commenter?

  28. nnn*

    “The employee pictured was not the employee that brought this gift.”

    This is my new favourite detail of anything ever

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