weekend free-for-all – December 1-2, 2018

by Alison Green on December 1, 2018

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: Nine Perfect Strangers, by Liane Moriarty. Well, I’m recommending the first half of this book, but then it went off the rails. In an interesting way, but still off the rails.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. Anna Banana*

    What’s everyone reading? I just finished Nine Perfect Strangers too and agree it went off the rails toward the end.

    1. The Goldfinch*

      I’m reading Tana French’s new one, The Witch Elm. I really like it–the reviews on GoodReads seem a bit mixed, but IMO it builds a feeling of claustrophobia and psychological dread very effectively.

      1. Akcipitrokulo*

        Carpet Diem by Justin Lee Anderson. Rereading actually… it’s so good and with lots of nice little touches.

      2. alex*

        Oooh I’m in a queue for this book on my library app; how is it related to “Who put Bella in the Wych Elm?”? (no spoilers, please!)

      3. neverjaunty*

        How does it compare to IN THE WOODS? I like her writing but I was very annoyed at “characters act like complete dumbasses so we can get a plot twist”.

        2. Lily Evans*

          If that’s the primary reason you disliked In The Woods, you might not enjoy The Witch Elm. ITW’s protaganist was my least favorite Tana French POV character, until The Witch Elm came out.

          1. LCL*

            I loved the Witch Elm. The ending is shocking, but after thinking about it awhile I realized it made sense and fits what we know can happen to people with brain injuries. It is definitely melancholy, like the end of the Golden Compass trilogy. I was wrecked for days after I finished reading that. I think many people are having trouble with the Witch Elm because the main characters all start from a position of relative privilege, which has caused some readers to dislike them from the start.

        3. The Goldfinch*

          I haven’t read In The Woods but The Witch Elm was quite different from the other Tana French I’ve read (The Trespasser).

          I have finished The Witch Elm now, and while I still think it was really good, it fell apart for me a bit at the end. Unlike lots of the GoodReads reviewers, I thought the beginning was great, and kept enjoying it until there was only maybe 5% of the book left. Then I was like WHAT. SERIOUSLY??

          1. Lily Evans*

            Oh my god, the ending. Like I definitely felt like it took me longer to get into than her other books, but I did get into it, and I would not feel so strongly about disliking it were it not for that ending. It was so much, and way too rushed, and the moral of the story would have stayed intact without how OTT it got.

      4. SparklingStars*

        I love Tana French! I didn’t enjoy the last couple of books in her Dublin Murder series, but I really enjoyed The Witch Elm.

    2. TL -*

      The Role of Emotions in Preventative Health Communication…sigh. I’ve reached the point where I’m reading so much for school that it’s hard to read for pleasure.

      But I did just finish Julia Quinn’s new romance, The Other Miss Bridgerton, and I loved it. I think it’s the best book she’s put out in a while!

      1. ElspethGC*

        Ditto! Mid-essay and cycling between seven different books related to fifteenth-century politics and Henry VI. Good period, but god it gets dry after a while. Also, very heavy to carry around.

        Storey’s The End of the House of Lancaster, Gross’ The Dissolution of the Lancastrian Kingship, Lander’s Conflict and Stability in Fifteenth-Century England, Keen’s England in the Later Middle Ages, Horrox’s Fifteenth-Century Attitudes, Harriss’ Shaping the Nation 1360-1461, Castor’s The King, the Crown and the Dutchy of Lancaster. Oh, and Sir John Fortescue’s Governance of England.

        Reading for pleasure isn’t going to be happening for a while.

        But once it is, I have Caitlin Doughty’s From Here to Eternity lined up, which I’m excited about.

        1. curly sue*

          Solidarity. I’ve got Homelands and Empires, We Were Not the Savages, and Three Centuries and an Island on the go right now. It’s ‘rewrite my lit review’ time, but next week it will be a huge pile of student term papers and quizzes for marking. I’m not sure what the first thing I’ll grab off my TBR pile will be once my life is actually my own again. I need to find a good classical Brit-style mystery writer to follow up my PD James fixation, since I’ve read everything of hers.

      3. Ginger ale for all*

        The new Julia Quinn book is on my holiday wish list. I am glad it is one of her better efforts. I was wondering if she would shine again like she did years ago. I wasn’t impressed with her last one, it just went through the motions for me.

        1. TL -*

          Yeah, I’ve been feeling that way too but I really enjoyed this one! It was a bit of a departure from her normal set up and I wonder if that helped.

    4. Jack Be Nimble*

      I’m reading Wolf Hall by Hilary Mantel! I like it so far, but the prose is very ornamented and sometimes hard to follow. I keep checking Wikipedia to read about the actual people and events, just to make sure I understand what’s going on.

      1. Cruciatus*

        This was one of the first books I gave myself permission to not finish! I gave it to my mom who loves historical fiction and she gave up about where I did. There would be 20 men in a room and it would just say “He said blah blah and then he said blah blah blah” and I had no idea who was speaking and I wasn’t willing to work it out. However, the TV mini-series was pretty great! Claire Foy as Anne Boleyn, Damian Lewis as Henry VIII.

      2. ScotKat*

        I think it’s actually quite straightforward, but it’s a unique style. My advice is to flow with it (and with her) as much as possible, as then it starts to make sense. That’s how I found it, anyway!

    5. Foreign Octopus*

      I’ve just started reading The Surgeon of Crawthorne by Simon Winchester, which seems to be the story behind the Oxford English dictionary.

    6. Lcsa99*

      I am reading The Butterfly Garden by Dot Hutchison, about a man who kidnaps young woman and intricately tattoos them, then keeps them in his garden. It’s essentially a retelling from one of his victims after the FBI gets involved. I am only about 100 pages in but it’s definitely drawn me in.

    8. Asenath*

      “The Library Book” by Susan Orlean. It’s a fascinating combination of memoir, history, and the roles libraries have and had in society – plus lots about fires and arson.

    9. Rebecca*

      9 Perfect Strangers is on my list, my first book by Liane was Big Little Lies; slowly making my way through the others.

    10. Lady Jay*

      Over Thanksgiving (a loooong drive home) I read Tara Westover’s Educated–and I can’t recommend it highly enough. Westover is raised in essentially a Mormon version of a prepper cult, way out in rural Idaho, helping her unlicensed midwife mom deliver babies and prepare essential oils, and dodging junk as she helps in her father’s scrapyard. She doesn’t even have a birth certificate. Despite these challenges, she passes the ACT, enrolls in Brigham Young, then goes on to Cambridge, where she eventually earns a PhD in history. Educated is the story of how she got there. I couldn’t put it down.

      Currently, I’m still working through Who Fears Death? (Nnedi Okorafor)–it’s good, but not what I was expecting.

      2. Beaded Librarian*

        I haven’t read it yet. Keep thinking it looks interesting but my sister warned that it might have triggered for people who had to deal with a bipolar/schizophrenic mother growing up. So that makes me hesitant.

      4. mistressfluffybutt*

        I just started the audiobook of this for my work commute and it’s so good that it is now my background music too! Seriously it’s amazing, I may have to get a physical copy of it too.

    11. Falling Diphthong*

      Mycroft and Sherlock by Kareem Abdul Jabbar and Anna Waterhouse. (Since this surprises people: Jabbar is a huge Holmesian, has written a number of books, and writes on cultural topics.) Follows on the very good Mycroft which focused on Sherlock’s brother in a mystery set in Trinidad, this one focuses on London’s slums, opium dens, and power centers, and gives a back story for the Baker Street irregulars.

      1. Tort-ally HareBrained*

        I’m on the second Mary Russell book by Laurie King. These are also Holmes-adjacent stories. They seem to be taking me longer to get through than my usual read but I am enjoying them and the slightly different prose.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          I couldn’t get into those, but really liked Carol Nelson Douglas’s series focused on Irene Adler, which starts with Good Night Mr Holmes. (Check your library.)

          1. Someone Else*

            The first few aren’t as good as the middle ones (but lay important groundwork). I’ve read, I think, 12 at this point?

        2. PhyllisB*

          I have read and enjoyed several of the Mary Russell novels. I read the first by accident. I was looking for a book that my book club was reading and couldn’t remember the name. I just knew it was something with Bees in the title. Very fortuitous mistake!! I always love Sherlock Holmes and loved the idea of him having a spunky female sidekick. BTW: the book I was SUPPOSED to read was The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd. Also very good.

        3. SparklingStars*

          Laurie King is one of my favorite authors! Like Someone Else said, the middle ones in the series are actually the most fun to read.

        5. swingbattabatta*

          These are my hands down favorite books ever. The first eight (through Locked Rooms) are the best, IMO, and then they drop off a bit in terms of quality, but that’s just my feeling. You are in for a treat! I love them so much.

          1. Tort-ally HareBrained*

            Good to hear. I’m used to zooming through books so was worried I wouldn’t feel motivated to keep going. But my library has them all, and I do love reading series so will keep going along.

        6. Pam*

          I could never get into those, but love Laurie King’s modern police procedurals set in San Francisco.

          1. Violet Strange*

            Me too, I wish Laurie King would write more of the procedurals. Can you recommend another similar writer, one yone/character richness?

            2. Someone Else*

              She wrote a one-off called Folly that I thought was pretty good. It’s not in the Russell or Matinelli series(es?), but I very much enjoyed that book.

      2. Middle School Teacher*

        I just finished this last night. The plot was ok (I preferred the plot of the first one) but I find the writing a bit juvenile. Too many adjectives (reminds me of middle schoolers being told to add elaborating detail to their work).

      3. Database Developer Dude*

        Holy frijoles!!! The second one is out???!?!?!?!? I was over the MOON for the first one…thank you for posting this…

      4. Hiring Mgr*

        For those who like Holmes, you should check out Anthony Horowitz if you haven’t already.. (not only his Holmes novels, the others too..)

        1. aa*

          Horowitz is a fantastic writer. I highly recommend not only his Sherlock books (which are great) but his thrillers in general.

      5. gmg22*

        These sound amazing — I always avidly read Kareem’s essays/op-eds in the NYT and elsewhere, but did not know he wrote fiction as well!

    12. Book Lover*

      Dragging myself through what used to be a guilty pleasures series – the latest archangel book by Nalini Singh. I think may just be done with them :(

      Next the first wayward children book by Seanan McGuire and the latest Rivers of London, which I am avoiding reading because then it will be done for a year, sigh.

      1. Buzzbattlecat*

        Oh YES to the Rivers of London!
        Sorry I didn’t see this earlier and posted about them way down thread.
        And yes while we have to wait a year, at least the author posts his daily word count, so you know he’s still hard at work haha!

    13. The Cosmic Avenger*

      I just finished Redshirts by John Scalzi; I’ve got a lot of his ebooks on hold through the library, and I’m specifically waiting for the first book in the Old Man’s War series so I can continue bingeing on his works. :D I finished the Locked In series and found that one was available to check out. Very well done, very meta, that’s all I’ll say to avoid spoilers.

      I just checked out Bad Monkey by Carl Hiaasen, whose work I have enjoyed, both mainstream and YA, but I haven’t started it yet. I thought I’d start on it yesterday, but I was busier than I expected.

    14. ScotKat*

      Milkman by Anna Burns. It’s great. Very funny (darkly), interesting, inventive. I love that more experimental, literary fiction by women is getting attention.

      2. Foreign Octopus*

        Never! I’ve just written a stupidly long piece of Doctor Who fanfiction so you enjoy yourself!!!!

        (And honestly, I’ve read some fanfiction that is leagues better than published books).

        1. Jaid_Diah*

          You’re so right. And sometimes you come across something that just sparks your imagination.
          What’s your favorite AU/trope?

          I like the Golden Compass/daemons one.

          1. Foreign Octopus*

            I’m really into Everybody Lives! at the moment. If it’s written well, it really changes the story – think Harry Potter where James and Lily are alive, or Game of Thrones where Ned didn’t die.

    16. ATX Language Learner*

      El Invierno en Lisboa – a beautifully written novel about a jazz piano player in Spain. Poetic writing with detailed descriptions of what’s happening in the story.

    17. Amy Miller*

      I just finished Where the Crawdads Sing by Delia Owens. It was excellent! One of my top picks of the year. Reading Nine Perfect Strangers right now, but I’m about 100 pages in and it hasn’t hooked me yet like her books usually do.

    18. Sparkly Librarian*

      I’m trying to catch up on my hundred-book challenge, and I’m way behind, so I’ve read a number of shorter titles recently. Stephen King’s Elevation was… nothing special, really. I would have liked to see it get more into the reasons behind the protagonist’s strange dis/ability (his weight gets less and less while his appearance/mass remains the same). I rather enjoyed the WWI scenery in Love to Everyone (children’s novel). Running on Empty is another children’s book, with a UK teen whose parents have learning difficulties; they all are trying to cope with the death of his grandfather. Interesting family study.

    19. Free Meerkats*

      At work I’m reading “The Tears of the Sun”, the 8th book of SM Stirling’s Emberverse series. At home in reading Relic” by Alan Dean Foster. And in the car, I’m listening to a BBC dramatization of “Neverwhere” by Neil Gaiman.

    20. Luisa*

      About to start Holes (re-read), Long Way Down (Jason Reynolds), and The Crossover (Kwame Alexander). Why yes, I do teach middle school.

      For me, I just picked up Nicole Chung’s memoir All You Can Ever Know.

    21. Anu*

      I’m reading Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott. Honestly, though I like individual sentences, the book as a whole is leaving me cold. I previously read Operating Instructions, also by her, which is about her son’s first year, which I thought would be perfect since I have a 15 month old but felt similarly. I can only conclude that she’s one of those authors who are Good but Not For Me. I have the latest installment of Louise Penny’s Gamache series on loan from the library as well as Nine Perfect Strangers and cannot wait to get into those.

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        I felt this way about Idaho by Emily Ruskovich. It was such a beautiful constructed book and it was clear that she knew what she was doing but I was left feeling cold at the end of it.

    22. Canadian Natasha*

      I just started Make Time by Jake Knapp and John Zeratsky. It’s basically a couple of tech guys trying to hack time management. I thought I’d see if they came up with anything new/useful.

      1. Rebecca*

        I listened to it (Audible) and there was another short story included called “Laurie”, I rather enjoyed that too. Agreed on the strange part, and I wasn’t sure what to think about the ending.

    24. Mrs. Fenris*

      I just finished Nine Perfect Strangers too. Definitely weirder than her other books…I thought it was about to veer into truly disturbing, and I kept reminding myself that her books don’t really do that…but I liked it pretty well.

    25. The Original K.*

      “Becoming” by Michelle Obama. I’m about 3/4 of the way through. A lot of what she says resonates with me, as a woman of color – the age-old refrain that many Black people grew up hearing (I know I did): “You have to be twice as good to get half as much” and how she wrestles with self-doubt in all these new situations she finds herself in. I come from a more economically advantaged background than she does, but some things are universal. I like how she gave herself permission to “swerve,” as she puts it – to veer off her chosen path as she realized she was unhappy in corporate law. And of course, the inside info on life in the White House is interesting – I had no idea First Families had to pay for the food!

      1. FalafalBella*

        The Book That Matters Most by Ann Hood. I love books about bookstores, libraries and books, and this one was just great.

    26. danr*

      I’m reading two by Evan Currie. Into the Black: Odyssey 1 and An Empire Asunder (The Scourwind Legacy, 2).

    27. Teapot Translator*

      Still Life by Louise Penny. I liked it overall, but it really annoyed me that the few French sentences included for verisimilitude were not proofread. There’s a whole province of French speakers and the publisher couldn’t find one person to quickly proofread?
      Anyway, enjoyable read nonetheless.
      Anyone have any recommendations for cozy mystery novels?

    28. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Rereading Garth Nix’s “Abhorsen” with my daughter…except we’ve come to a dark section filled with the undead, and she hasn’t wanted to press on for several days now! She’s instead reading Shannon Hale’s “Princess Academy”–a fantastic twisteroo where the main characters are almost ALL female, and the strongest doesn’t even want the prince–just to help her community.
      I’m probably going to hit the library and look for a WWI oral history.

    29. Nacho*

      I finished Ciaphas Cain: Hero of the Imperium today. There was more action and less humor than I’d expected after reading the reviews, but then I suppose the cover image of a man standing heroically over a dead orc, bloody chain sword at hip and gun in hand should have clued me in on that. Still a great read.

    30. Jackie*

      I’m reading Parable of the Sower by Octavia E. Butler. I think this author was a time traveler…

      1. Sparkly Librarian*

        That’s a scarier story than most of the supernatural horror I run across… talk about books that keep you up at night!

    31. Buzzbattlecat*

      The Rivers London urban fantasy series by Ben Aaronovich. The seventh, Lies Sleeping, has just been released.
      This is one of my favourite series ever! A young police constable in the London Metropolitan police learns that magic is real (but difficult and dangerous) and there’s an Inspector who is a practitioner. PC Peter Grant has a West African Mum and a heroin addict, jazz player Dad, and he’s smart and funny without being a maverick hero. He has a unique voice.
      The characters are diverse in culture, sexuality, faith and body type, without being stereotypes, which is refreshing. The magic is well thought out and internally consistent, there are long and short story arcs, and the supporting characters’ motivations are not always simple or clear.
      I also love the frequent references to various geek cultures and the clear love of London that shines through.
      Aaronovich has written for, among other things, Doctor Who, and spends time promoting libraries. He also writes graphic novels.

    32. Jaid_Diah*

      Oh, I forgot. I just finished reading “Lies Sleeping” by Ben Aaronovitch, part of the Rivers of London series. Urban magic, police procedural.

    33. MissDisplaced*

      I’m reading Mortal Engines. I love steampunk and this is a good escape thus far.
      I recently finished a contemporary adventure/scifi series called Breakthrough by Michael Grumley that was pretty good too. It involved speaking with dolphins, which was pretty interesting. My only issue is that while each book could stand alone, the overall theme wasn’t finished in 4 books, and I’d really like things to wrap up by that point.

    34. Annie Moose*

      Ahhhh I just got into the Stormlight Archive series by Brandon Sanderson and I can’t put them down. Despite my best efforts to hold off, I read the first two books in four days each and I’m half a second from buying the third on Kindle so I don’t have to wait until it’s back in my library! WHAT TERRIBLE DISASTER WILL BEFALL THEM NEXT???

      (also how will the love triangle be resolved?? I can’t decide which configuration I want to win out!)

    36. Claire*

      I’ve been binge-reading a number of favorites. Courtney Milan’s Brothers Sinister series. (Romance, obscure law points, and puppy cannons.) Heather Rose Jones’s Alpennia series, historical fantasy with women as scholars, scientists, friends, and lovers.

    37. WhiteWalkerFromTheWall*

      A Storm of Swords by George R.R. Martin and Anna Karenina by Tolstoy….both in French. Because I don’t torture myself enough by reading them in English, I have to be the type to want to keep my 2nd language up by reading Russian literature in it!
      Plus ‘The Nazi Seizureu of Power’ an oddly interesting read about one town from 1922-1945 and how the Nazi rise to power and the Third Reich played out in one town/small city.

    38. Marion Ravenwood*

      I just finished The Bear And The Nightingale by Katherine Arden. It’s a YA fantasy set in medieval Russia and modelled after Russian folk tales. I’ve read it before but it’s one of my book clubs’ picks for December (at my suggestion, so I really hope other people liked it!) so wanted to refresh my memory beforehand.

      I’ve also just restarted A Million Years In A Day by Greg Jenner, which is a lighthearted non-fiction book about the history of everyday life – think Bill Bryson’s Home but a little more wide-ranging. I’ve had it on my Kindle for ages but needed to fill a book gap before. I get back from Paris and can start my Christmas books (please say I’m not the only one who has books they only read around Christmas!). So far it’s good though – an informative yet easy and humorous read.

    39. Dr. Glowcat Twinklepuff*

      Ugh, I’m reading children’s books in a language I’m learning and it’s… demoralizing. I don’t understand a hoot!

        1. Dr. Glowcat Twinklepuff*

          I don’t know, good suggestion… so far I’m trying with books I have already read in my own language, but parallel edition would be a smart move. I shall look for them! Thanks!

          1. AdAgencyChick*

            Yes! Penguin does some parallel editions of short stories. I’ve used the German ones a few times.

            I’ve also had good luck recently reading a German detective novel on the Kindle. The Kindle is great for foreign-language reading because you can touch a word and see the definition right away*, and detective novels are written at a lower grade level than some of the other stuff I’ve tried to read in German, so I didn’t have to use the dictionary as often.

            *For the most part. It has trouble with conjugations and compound words, which means that sometimes you have to exit the book, look up the word in the dictionary, and come back to the book. But still easier than a paper book and a dictionary.

      2. Foreign Octopus*

        I had this problem. Alice in Wonderland in Spanish took me six months to finish because I had to stop and check every other word, but it’s worth it. I learnt words from that that I still use today. Maybe give yourself permission to only read a paragraph at a time – that’s how I started and it’s got easier now.

        Good luck!

          1. Foreign Octopus*

            I’m actually an ESL teacher and I always recommend to my students that they start with a book they know well. For most people that’s Harry Potter; because most people know the story well, they find it easier to read than something like Alice or even Peppa Pig (which I hate. I tried watching the show to learn Spanish and I was near ready to kill those pigs).

    41. Caregiver fatigue*

      I’ve been procrastinating on Carl Jung’s Red Book, to the point that I had to renew from the library after being overdue for a few weeks (!), but I’m starting on it now, and damn, the art is amazing.

    42. JustAnotherAnalyst*

      I am reading Circe by Madeline Miller which need to finish tomorrow and return to the library. As a classics nerd, I like the book. Also, I find the main character relatable.

  2. BeingMoreConfident*

    Does anyone have advice for being more confident in myself and my abilities? I am very capable, but I just have trouble believing in myself.

    1. Lena Clare*

      One thing that made me more confident was getting to know myself and what I thought and believed. I could be confident that I was behaving in a way that was authentic for me, and not really care what others thought about that.

    2. SherSher*

      I know Lena says to essentially “know yourself” but I also don’t think there’s anything wrong with a little “fake it til you make it” thrown in. I have been told for a long time that I come across as very confident, but I didn’t used to be. Through a process of learning who I am and believing in myself, and adding a little “pretending to be confident”… I have become pretty confident in my abilities and strengths. And, as Lena said, not worrying about what others say or think.

    3. Dr. Anonymous*

      Sometimes it helps to keep a little happy notebook to jot down your successes and compliments you get (large and small).

      1. Asenath*

        I definitely agree with all the the above posters. I’d add, when that little voice in the back of your head starts saying things like “I can’t do this, I’m really hopeless”, stop it, remind yourself that the little voice often lies, and that you did exactly this (or something similar) before, and you did a good job. Add in positive memories of what others said about it.

        1. The Cosmic Avenger*

          Also, every time you hear the voice in your head, don’t just ignore it, counter it with what everyone else says about you. I’ll bet that it’s almost universally complimentary; those of us who are this hard on ourselves tend to try really hard, and I’ll bet others usually recognize that, and they are often very encouraging, too. (This wouldn’t work if you’re in an abusive, isolating relationship, or have a narcissistic person in your life, who will often act like they’re helping you when they’re undermining you.)

    4. sequined histories*

      I strongly recommend the book Feeling Good by David M. Burns.
      I suffer a lot from depression and anxiety. The simple, practical exercises in this book were key to helping me become more functional. I don’t mean to assume that you are coping with the same mental health challenges as I do, but I would strongly recommend this book to anyone who feels stuck in negative patterns of thinking. The book helps you label and categorize certain types of thoughts that make it more difficult for you to take positive actions. It then gives you concrete, pencil-and-paper exercises to engage in to disrupt the pattern. Doing one of these exercises for 15 minutes would often get me “unstuck” and able to take action when I had been despairing and demoralized by self-doubt for hours, days, or . . . much longer.
      It’s cheap, easy, and worth a try.

      1. The Original K.*

        Thank you for this – I’m going to look into this book. A lot of my therapy sessions center around my negative patterns of thinking (for example, when I turn in a piece of work, I don’t think “I worked really hard on that and it feels good to have it done” or “I hope they like it;” it’s often “Oh God, what if they hate it?” which can spiral very quickly) and it would be nice to have another tool in my arsenal to battle them.

      2. BeingMoreConfident*

        Thanks for the book suggestion! Do you think it’d be helpful for confidence and self-esteem, as well? I don’t really have any anxiety or depression about it, luckily. Also would it matter if it was a used copy (as in, are there places you write in the book?)

        1. sequined histories*

          A used copy of the book would work just fine. A copy from a library would be fine. It’s not a workbook. The exercises are very simple—he just kind of illustrates how you would approach countering a negative thought, and it’s easy to see how you could apply the techniques using any random sheet of paper. For some reason, the act of writing things down rather than just thinking them through seems to be a key to making the system work, though.
          I think it’s worth a try if your issues are just confidence and self-esteem. At the time when I was using these techniques most actively, I had a part-time job that eventually led me down the path to my current full-time job. I had a hard time initiating certain tasks, and the difficulty with getting started had to do with a lot of negative self-talk: “I didn’t do a good enough job of that because the outcome was not X . . . If I were better at Y, Z would be worth trying, but since I’m not, there’s no point,” etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.
          It sounds like you’re saying you have reason to believe that your self-assessment is UNREALISTICALLY negative. In my experience, this system was really helpful to me in reducing the intensity and frequency of unrealistically negative thoughts I was having.

        2. WhiteWalkerFromTheWall*

          I do have the workbook companion to Feeling Good, called ‘The Feeling Good Handbook.’ It’s helped…and I need to get back to it. If I don’t work it, then I lose the benefits of it. *sighs*

    5. neverjaunty*

      Ask yourself: What Would Chad Do?

      I don’t remember which AAM commented pointed this out, but it’s a riff on “give me the confidence of a mediocre white man”. Chad Chaddington the Third doesn’t feel out of place or wonder if he’s good enough. He just applies for that promotion. He knows his friends want to hang with him. If the job doesn’t pan out or the potential date says no thanks, he shrugs and moves on. And it’s not because Chad is a jerk, or is unusually handsome or talented; he just doesn’t ever think about whether he’s “qualified” or “good enough” to do things.

      1. BeingMoreConfident*

        Is that actually how people are? I spend SO much time wondering if I’m good enough, I would love to just feel like I am! I’ll keep this in mind…

    6. Just A Little TeaPot, With Soda*

      I’m in the same boat. I’m working on it, sloooowly. I also got anxiety meds which have helped a lot.

    7. LilySparrow*

      One thing that has helped me a lot is trying and learning a lot of different things. Some personal, like different fitness, cooking or artistic/hobby techniques. Some career related, like a software program or aspirational skill.

      When you are used to engaging and mastering new things, and enjoy it, it gives you a baseline expectation that you can learn to handle whatever might come up. It also makes you more comfortable with the messy beginning part of trial & error. It changes your perspective from “I failed therefore I suck” to “Oh, I need to figure out what went wrong there.”

      Confidence isn’t believing you can’t fail. It’s knowing failure is necessary, temporary and correctable.

      Obviously, some things like bomb disposal or heart surgery have no margin for error. But most of life isn’t like that.

      1. BeingMoreConfident*

        “Confidence isn’t believing you can’t fail. It’s knowing failure is necessary, temporary and correctable.”

        Wow, this really speaks to me. I think I take setbacks too much as an indication of my ability, I really like the idea of looking at failure that way.

      2. Minocho*

        I get comfortable and complacent – I get scared when stepping out of my comfort zone – and sometimes I talk myself out of trying things because of this.

        I realized this when I was near finishing up college – and the thought of graduating and going out there on my own WITHOUT A ROADMAP was terrifying. Everything up until then had been outlined for me, but now I was going to be for serious responsible for making my own decisions, not just executing the decisions of others.

        The emotions weren’t under my control very much, but my brain was able to recognize that this fear could become paralyzing and seriously hamper me forever, so I made a radical decision to jump really far outside my comfort zone. I was studying Japanese, and my Japanese professor had suggested applying for a Japanese government program to teach English to Japanese public school students. As a Computer Science and Engineering major, this had never been part of the original plan, but I decided that right after college was the only time I could do something so outlandish, and it would be the perfect way to metaphorically jump into the deep end of stepping outside my comfort zone.

        The flight to Japan was 14 hours of agonized “What have I done?!?”, and it was terrifying – and it turned out to be one of the best decisions I could have made for personal growth. Do I need to move across the country for a new job? No problem, it’s not as far as Japan! Am I worried about taking on a project that requires a new skill I’ll have to get up to speed on? No worries, it’s gotta be easier to learn this new computing language than it was to pick up Japanese! Etc…

        Find that thing you’ve done before – and remind yourself you can do things like it again!

    8. Wishing You Well*

      Lots of great advice above.
      I’ll add a physical aspect to confidence: Be well-groomed and stand up straight. Have a confident look on your face and look people in the eye. Keep your shoulders down where they naturally rest. Speak confidently. A sense of humor will help. Remember to breathe.
      You CAN fake it ’til you make it!

    9. Anon Anon Anon*

      I find it makes all the difference to share those abilities with people who will appreciate them – people who will give you genuine, positive feedback.

    10. Buzzbattlecat*

      All good advice here!
      Although it SEEMS we should change our thinking first and our behaviour/action will follow, one of the big pillars of managing anxiety is to change behaviour first and eventually thinking/feeling changes.

  3. Lena Clare*

    What self care things have you got going on this weekend?
    I’m going swimming, tidying up, and ‘noticing my thoughts’! :)

    Have a good weekend!

    1. Loopy*

      I had a crap Friday and decided to spend the weekend doing EXACTLY what I want: baking a cake! I will have to find people to eat it and I really shouldn’t spend so much on ingredients but gosh darn it I want to! Sometimes self care for me is just letting myself to what appeals to me and trying not to feel guilty.

      1. pugs for all*

        I love this! I too had a crap Friday and was thinking that making a nice festive bunch of holiday cookies would cheer me up. :) Have fun baking!

        1. Bulbasaur*

          I parsed both of these wrong the first time I read them, and was wondering why I needed to know on what date each of you had moved your bowels, and why it seemed to be such a source of ideas.

      2. Sparrow*

        I’m also baking a cake–lemon raspberry! I also went to a yoga class and I have some library books to read and podcasts to listen to.

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      Working on an art quilt. Since the kittens have decided to help, this has gotten complicated.

    4. rubyrose*

      Taking my dog to a nursing home with a group of other dogs, to see if she is interested in doing this on a regular basis. To do this, had to give her a bath last night, which she does not enjoy!

      1. Nines*

        I definitely read that as if you were going to check out a doggy nursing home with your dog. You know, to see if the dog was ready for that transition. =D

          1. rubyrose*

            Oh my goodness – that will teach me to post early on a Saturday morning (I’m two hours behind what is actually posted as the time on the post)!

            So we went yesterday, to see how she would react to going to a nursing home and interacting with the residents; thinking about having us do therapy dog training. She did great. The event was held in the dining room. When we got in, she went straight to the middle of the room and started rolling around. This is her was of saying she really really likes where she is at and what is going on. Signing up for January classes today.

    5. WellRed*

      Getting my Christmas on! Getting the tree, decorating the mantle. Might even watch Love actually even though I think it’s overly long.

    8. Alex the Alchemist*

      I have a class today and work tomorrow, so not too much time, but I’m going to take some time this evening to knit and I’m going to the local diner with my SO this weekend. Hopefully more self-care will come post-finals :)

      1. Lena Clare*

        Good luck with the exams. I haven’t knitted since I was a child, and I’ve just thought on – a friend of mine bought me a ‘knit your cat their own toys’ book which I think would be an excellent way to relax and do something fun!

    9. Amerdale*

      Cleaning all the windows (I think it has been six months since they were last cleaned….) and then putting up Christmas decorations. Maybe baking some cookies, too.

    10. Seal*

      Putting up outdoor Christmas lights for the first time ever. My previous place was a condo that didn’t allow outdoor decorations. Now that I own a house I can do what I want outside. I’m not going crazy with the lights (just a few well-placed strings) but I’m quite excited about my latest project!

    11. Elizabeth West*

      I had a hair appointment yesterday so self-care / pampering then. Today, probably a nap. Everyone is all bluuuuh because of the tornado sirens last night. Of course it had to wait until one in the morning. :P

    12. Canadian Natasha*

      I decorated my bookshelf for Christmas and now I can sit on my couch and look at pretty lights, poinsettas, and red and green themed art. :) It makes me smile.

      I’ve also going to hang out with a friend tomorrow for a much anticipated and delayed get-together. We’re watching a movie called Les Emotifs Anonymes. (Social self care in the winter is making sure I have enough human contact so I don’t turn into a wild hermit)

      I’m making a point to notice beautiful things around me so I’ve been taking lots of quick photos of the snow and frost.

  4. Sc@rlettNZ*

    In the spirit of a recent post about how North Americans don’t use the word ‘fortnight’ here is another example of cross-cultural miscommunication. To set the scene, I’m a kiwi and my partner is a Canadian who has lived in New Zealand for the past 20 years.

    My boots are starting to look a little shabby and really need a polish so I poked my head into the lounge and asked Michael “do we have any black nugget?”. He looked at me blankly, I assumed he just hadn’t heard me so I repeated the question. Same blank look. I’m like, “do we have any nugget, you know, shoe polish?” Finally the penny drops. We laugh and I say to him, you’ve never heard the word nugget before, have you”? Apparently he has not.

    I’m pretty sure he didn’t believe me it was a word but Mr Google told him it’s a UK brand of shoe polish. And I obviously don’t polish my shoes nearly enough because we’ve been together almost 11 years and it was the first time I had accosted him with the strange nugget word :-)

    2. TL -*

      I constantly get caught by Kiwi slang – durry (cigarette) in particular gets me; it always takes me a second to remember what people are saying when they say they’re about to step outside for a durry. (durie?)

    3. SherSher*

      Speaking of slang… my US boss recently went to the UK on vacation (holiday!) and recently she has been sending me instant messages when she wants to talk to me and asking me to “chat her up” when I get a chance. I guess i should have told her by now that chatting someone up isn’t exactly what it sounds like. For those unaware… it essentially means “hit on.”

      3. Marion Ravenwood*

        That reminds me of a friend at university who used the phrase ‘knocked her up’ to mean ‘knocked on another friend’s door in halls’ and wasn’t aware of the other meaning (ie ‘got her pregnant’). Both of them were from the UK as well – good old regional variations…

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Well hello there I was about to add that story. He does get around doesn’t he!?

    4. Waiting for the Sun*

      I’m an American who’s heard the word “nugget,” but not as a shoe polish. Here, it means a little clump or chunk of something.

      3. FaintlyMacabre*

        Yeah, when I worked in a vet clinic we would refer to poop as nuggets a lot. I would not have thought of shoe polish!

        1. Auntie Social*

          Yeah, we call them nuggets. I’ve also called cat poop Almond Roca (you know, mixed with litter….). My niece says she hasn’t had a bite of Roca since.

    5. Mrs. Fenris*

      I’m from the rural South, and occasionally I heard people say someone “doesn’t know shit from Shinola.” Imagine how everything became clear when I finally learned that Shinola used to be a brand of shoe polish.

      2. The Cosmic Avenger*

        Having grown up in NYC in the 70s and 80s, I feel like “doesn’t know shit from Shinola” was a popular saying in NYC in the generation before mine, so maybe 40s-60s. I didn’t hear it said much among my peers, but my parents’ generation seemed to know it from their youth.

      3. MissDisplaced*

        I’ve heard this saying many times from parents & grandparents (PA so northern) but I never knew what Shinola was. Guess that brand disappeared a long time ago.

    6. Nerdgal*

      I am from Chicago and my husband is a native Texan. There are several words and pronunciations that still confuse us. Dinner vs lunch/supper, icebox vs frig, and my favorite, saying “pin” when he means “pen.”
      – honey, do you have a pin?
      – safety or straight?
      – (blank look)

      1. Linguistics Major*

        Depending on regional dialect and where vowels are placed, “pen” and “pin” might not be pronounced any differently. The “pin/pen” merger is a common feature of the US southern dialect. In some cases the person might be able to hear the difference in comparison (like if you say both words together) but in isolation can’t hear the vowel difference and will produce them the same.

        1. Turtlewings*

          Yeah, I’m from the South and it bewildered me the first time I saw a reference to “pin” and “pen” being pronounced differently. Like… do “cat” and “hat” not rhyme in your world, either? I still don’t hear (or pronounce) any difference, though intellectually I understand that apparently there is one, in other regional pronunciations.

        2. Nerdgal*

          Yes, that’s exactly what he says. He heard the difference when I say the two words but he can’t say them differently.

          1. Kat in VA*

            I’m saying it in a Southern accent and to the uninitiated or unfamiliar, they would both sound like pey-en. Pin is slightly more pih-yin and pen is pey-yen but said at normal conversational speed, yeah, they sound the same.

            I enjoy accents and languages – being from California means my flattish accent places me precisely nowhere left of the Continental Divide*, but folks on the East Coast (except for the DC area) can definitely determine “you’re not from ’round here, are you?”

            *could be Utah, could be New Mexico, could be Montana, could be Oregon…

        3. Operational Chaos*

          I worked a long time to scrub my accent into being as neutral and non-regional as possible but pin/pen is the one evidence of my Southern upbringing I’ve never been able to master and it also seems to be the one that non-Southerners just love to gawk at and comment on. It’s surreal the amount of attention it gets.

        4. Courageous cat*

          Yep, lifelong Southerner and this is how it is for me. Always blows my mind that people distinguish between the two. Pin and pen are said exactly the same (“pin”).

      2. Emily*

        I grew up in a relatively cosmopolitan area of the US South and came away with a neutral US accent – for the most part. I say “pen”/”pin” and “ten”/”tin” the same way and didn’t even realize until college that there was supposed to be a difference. (I can say them differently if I focus hard enough, but I usually don’t feel the need.)

        I also found out very recently that many people say “lawyer” differently than I do. I pronounce it like it’s spelled (“law-yer”); apparently lots of people say “loy-er”? Wikipedia informs me this is another Southern thing.

    7. Worked in IT forever*

      How do you refer to a soft drink, like Coke or Pepsi? In my part of Canada, you might say soft drink, but people typically say pop. In parts of the U.S., I typically hear soda, but someone from California told me that where he is from, they say Coke to mean any type of soft drink, like ginger ale or actual Coke. I think I’ve heard fizzy drink in the U.K.

      1. ScotKat*

        In Scotland, you’ll often hear ‘fizzy juice’ or just ‘juice’ depending where you are! It gets a bit confusing if you’re not sure if someone means a fizzy drink or a squash-type drink. I would say ‘Coke’ to mean cola/Coke, and refer to most of them by their actual name, but I might go for ‘fizzy drink’ or ‘fizzy juice’ for a generic term.

        1. Canadian Natasha*

          Lol, and in Canada I would think “You want a drink made of pumpkin?” when I hear squash-type drink. (Though I know what you mean from reading it in novels).

        1. Merci Dee*

          Southerner here, too. We tend to do that for lots of stuff – take the most popular brand name for an item and make it the reference for the general item. Like “clorox” for bleach, “ziploc” for zip-top bag, “band-aid” for adhesive bandage.

        2. Emily*

          I wonder if that varies across different areas within the region? I’m also from the South (North Carolina) and have only ever called it/heard it called “soft drink” or “soda”.

        3. Clisby Williams*

          I’ve heard the “it’s all coke here” before, but I’ve lived most of my life in the South and have never actually heard anyone use “coke” as a synonym for “soft drink.”

      5. OhNo*

        North midwest, here, and it’s all pop all the time. Definitely got me a few weird looks when I was in college out east, but I refuse to be swayed!

        1. L.A.*

          Pop all the time where I from too.

          I remember being a teen in Disney World (Orlando, Fl) once asking for a “regular pop.” Not only did the poor guy working had no clue 1) what kind of beverage we asked for and 2) what size of said beverage. At the time, we didn’t realize that this was not the typical way of asking for a medium soft drink.

          That memory also sticks out to me because it’s been a while since I’ve ordered a “regular” pop.

      6. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

        I usually say coke to mean any kind of fizzy beverage, or else soda, and I grew up in the west. My grandmother (Midwest) used to say “sodee” but at some point she started saying coke.

      7. TL -*

        One time I was in a movie theater in Australia and I ordered a Coke and a water. The cashier kept on repeating my order back to me as “You want a soda water and an ice cream?” and I kept on saying, “yes, and a water please.”

        We went through three rounds of this before she (with exaggerated pointing) got me to understand she was saying, “Soda, water, and an ice cream” not “soda water” the term some people in Texas use to refer to sodas.

        1. Harvey P. Carr*

          To me “soda water” is seltzer… which, if you’ve never heard of “seltzer,” is basically unflavored soda, or carbonated water.

      8. Marion Ravenwood*

        Brit here. I’d use fizzy drink or soft drink, but fizzy pop was also a common term where I grew up in the North West of England, particularly amongst my oarents’ and grandparents’ generation. Squash would be a concentrated fruit cordial that you mix with water, and juice is just fruit juice.

    9. fposte*

      My favorite NZ-related language story is a colleague who moved to Australia from NZ, and asked, in her NZ accent and using standard NZ terminology, asked in a shop for “chilly bins” (what in the US we’d call “coolers”). The shopkeeper led her to the jelly beans :-).

    10. JxB*

      My British friend tells the story of working in an office in the United States as a young woman and calling out “does anyone have a spare rubber?” to her teammates. From her perspective, she was asking for an eraser. But it apparently stopped all conversations cold and she received good-natured teasing about it the entire time she worked there.

      1. Jenifer Crawford*

        Yup, this exactly, tho in the version I heard, the new UK employee on the first day of the job was invited out to lunch. He and another employee both remained in the office to finish the projects they were working on, and he turned to her and requested a rubber. Can’t even begin to imagine how embarrassing that would be in either case.

      2. TL -*

        This happened to an Irish friend of mine, but it was the day after he’d told his new boss that he had ‘great crack’ the weekend before (he meant great fun)…his boss sent him to language sensitivity training. (Which was basically an intro to American cultural norms and slang for international employees, but the boss had okay’ed him skipping it because she didn’t think an Irish person would need it. She was wrong.)

      3. Swordspoint*

        This happened to my mother, who came to Canada from Scotland in her mid-twenties to teach. She asked for a rubber in the staff room and apparently there was quite the silence. Much laughter once things had been sorted out, and it was an ongoing joke for some time.

      4. Earthwalker*

        Travelling in winter in New Mexico, my shoes were getting soaked in seasonal rain and I had nothing waterproof to pull on over them. So I went to the shoe store and asked if they had those boots that might be called “wellies” in Britain but in my part of California I knew them as “rubbers.” The clerk blushed bright red and said, “I think you have to go to the drug store for those.”

    11. JxB*

      Then again, not all miscommunications are cross-cultural. Years ago when my brother was graduating high school, my mom was organizing a party for him. His only request food-wise was a cake. This was mentioned between them several times. Who would order it? He would. What size? Large. Was he sure it would be large enough to serve everyone? Yes. Was he sure he didn’t want her to get it? No, he knew just what kind he wanted. Did he want to specify any of the other refreshments? No, just the cake. Anything else she did was fine.

      The miscommunication didn’t become clear until the day of the party when he was leaving to pick the “cake” and she suggested taking her car but he responded, no – he’d just throw it in the back of his truck. After protesting that the cake wouldn’t make it home intact, mom learned – all along – brother had been saying KEG but she had been hearing CAKE. The look on her face was priceless. (Note, drinking age was 18 then.)

      1. Auntie Social*

        That’s okay—I yelled at the man at Logan Airport for having luggage cats. Cats!!! What a terrible thing to do to a nice kitty, to make it haul your suitcase!

    12. Anon for this*

      Here in the US Midwest, I’ve never heard the term despite having been a “bootblack” in the local kink scene for some years. I once amused some friends referring to the volatile “Lincoln vs. Kiwi” debate in bootblacking circles. (I prefer Lincoln for black, although Kiwi has many more colors available.) Kiwi in this context is polish, not a New Zeland reference.) But interesting you should identify yourself with the term! Just curious, is this polish brand or type particularly chunky and that’s why it’s called nugget?

      1. Sc@rlettNZ*

        Nope, it’s just completely normal shoe polish. I wasn’t aware until recently that there is a brand of nugget/polish called Kiwi.

        My partner hears my accent as pin when I say pen, and Australians like to try and get kiwis to say the word six as they hear it as sex.

      2. Sc@rlettNZ*

        Nope, it’s just completely normal shoe polish. I wasn’t aware until recently that there is a brand of nugget/polish called Kiwi.

        My partner hears my accent as pin when I say pezn, and Australians like to try and get kiwis to say the word six as they hear it as sex.

    13. Anon Anon Anon*

      When I first arrived in Australia, I asked, “What’s a CBD?” and everyone laughed.

      When I first dated an Australian (in the US), he said, “I’ll give you a ring tomorrow,” and I thought, “Woah, it’s a little early for that!”

      He thought it was funny that Americans talk about rooting for a sports team.

      Oh, and that’s just the beginning. There is so much to say about all of that. I was surprised by the number of words and expressions that exist in one country but not the other. And I did think paying rent by the fortnight was a joke at first, like the landlord was into Ren Faires. But no.

    14. The Cosmic Avenger*

      OH! I can’t believe I forgot about the funniest language mix-ups I’ve seen.

      First, one time I was in England, we were out doing touristy things and it was a warm day out, so I was wearing one of my give-away tee shirts. So another tourist asks with an English accent about my tee shirt, which is from the National Marrow Donor Program. For those who don’t know, NMDP is about registering your tissue type so you can donate bone marrow, usually to people with leukemia, but “marrow” in the UK means what we in the US call a zucchini. So they assumed it was some kind of food bank, and the zucchini reference was maybe symbolic of food in general?

      Not quite as germaine, but still funny: one year in college I roomed with a guy who had grown up in France, but spoke English pretty fluently, as he had lived in NYC for many years. One day he was in bed and I was at my desk, and I hear him mumble something at me, and I said “What?” and he said it louder, and it still didn’t make any sense, so I said kind of slowly “[roommate], what are you saying?” and he took a couple of seconds and said “What time is it?” Turns out he was saying “Quelle heure est-il?”, or “What time is it?” in French. :D

      1. Jenny F. Scientist*

        My host mother in France once said something to me (in French) which I heard as “my son used to be a pedophile” but I think she was actually saying “my son used to sleep with men” (pédéraste). I couldn’t quite bring myself to say “WHAAAAAT???”. Turns out that unless you read a lot of de Sade, an academic vocabulary has a LOT of holes in it.

    15. ..Kat..*

      If you had asked me for black nugget, I would have wondered if you were asking for black tar (heroin)!

  5. Frustrated!*

    ARGH. So. Frustrated.

    So back in March I booked my holiday leave, including flights etc. Then due to various issues from both my work and personal life throughout the year, I had to change my schedule and re-book my itinerary multiple times. Just had to put in yet ANOTHER change this morning, and now my flights are a lot closer to Christmas/New Year’s than I wanted. Between the switching fees and more expensive flights I’m paying about £1.5K more than I’d originally planned. It’s insane, and I’m not even certain this is the last change.

    I know I should count myself lucky that at least I /can/ afford this, but it’s SO frustrating to have all this uncertainty, not to mention the fact I have to keep changing plans with people (even though all the changes were beyond my control, I’m sure they’re starting to get annoyed with me). It’s getting really hard to get into the ‘holiday spirit’ right now because I’m just so anxious all the time!

    ARGH.

    1. HBucket*

      Oh my! I can’t imagine. Once I book my plans I would be so hard pressed to change them! I’m not rigid… but I am .. let’s say.. frugal! And I would not want to spend the extra money on changes! Plus once I decide when and where I am going, my brain is really anticipating that date!

    2. Loopy*

      Sending my sympathies! I’m a planner and have struggled with being flexible once something is set in my mind and planned out in the real world. But also the money aspect would be especially hard on me too. I really hope this can be your last change!!! It will be a well deserved holiday and hopefully once it all happens this effort will all make it even more enjoyable to finally be there!

    3. Michaela Westen*

      Could you just stand firm and say “no more changes”?
      Or maybe find a more flexible way to travel, like driving?

      1. WellRed*

        If you really can’t avoid making further changes, at least stop making plans with friends until your itinerary is final. But really, can you adopt the “no more changes” mindset?

      2. Observer*

        Well, maybe “frustrated” is correct when they say that it REALLY was out of their control. If the roof of your house falls in, you can’t say “well, it’s not on the schedule.” Same for someone calling a strike, a weather event, someone getting sick, etc.

  6. Anchorage*

    Sleepless in Anchorage. The aftershocks just keep coming. They are impossible to get used to. We’re about 16 hours post-quake now and have had hundreds of smaller ones, including 60+ over M3.1 and a half dozen over M5.0. I’m safe, have power and heat, no major damage… but I’m exhausted.

    1. SherSher*

      Watching the videos online have been …. I don’t even have a word for it! I cannot imagine the terror. I have been in three earthquakes, all of them much more minor than what I saw in videos and pictures coming out of Anchorage. Praying for safety!!

    2. Mimmy*

      The news said that you had TWO major earthquakes?? I knew there have been aftershocks, but yikes!! Yes, the footage has been unreal to see. Please stay safe!

    3. Hellanon*

      Commiserations from a Californian – once you’re already rattled, those aftershocks are terrifying. Stay safe… after the 1994 Northridge quake, I felt like it was months before I really got my equilibrium back.

      1. Kat in VA*

        Came here to say the same thing. We were roughly ten miles from the epicenter (east end of Simi Valley) and every time I visit California (I’m in the DC area now), I’m always afraid that The Big One™ is going to hit and I’ll be stuck.

        I will never ever forget waking up to a small quake, going, hmm, small jiggly quake, that’s cute. Then the room picked up and dropped and I had enough time to think, “Oh, shi—” and the lights went out. It was like being strapped to the world’s biggest pogo stick with a train roaring right in your ear in pitch blackness for the better part of a minute. I was screaming, my husband was screaming, we were in contact with the bed for maybe a second at a time between jolts. I had a sore neck the next time because my husband was holding me down – apparently in my absolute blind unreasoning panic, I was trying to climb over the railing of our loft apartment to get out.

        When it ended, we scrabbled for clothes (and that was the last night we ever slept buck-naked) and went flying downstairs, through broken glass and tripping over books and detritus in our destroyed apartment.
        Made it outside…and were immediately thrown to the ground by the first aftershock as transformers were cutting loose everywhere in showers of blue and purple and white sparks. Car alarms blaring, people screaming, dust flying, and everything overlaid with that awful grinding roaring groaning noise as the ground heaved.

        It was the embodiment of pure chaos.

        It was the most unadulterated terror I have ever been in…and hope to never ever be in again. The fact that my memory of it was so vivid – and it happened in 1994 – means it was a definite event for me.

        1. VictorianCowgirl*

          You’re a gifted writer, I feel like I was with you for that roller coaster. Thanks for the exceptional description.

    4. CAA*

      We’re thinking of you here in California. It is exhausting to be always on edge and waiting for the next one. Hang in there and stay safe.

    5. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      Sending comforting thoughts from N. Cal. Do you have pets? Mine seem to know when shocks/aftershocks are coming and shake in fear in advance, so there’s the double whammy of worrying about me and them. BIG HUG but glad to hear you are safe

    6. The Other Dawn*

      My sister in law’s son is an Alaska state trooper and he posted some of the pictures. Thankfully his family is safe but the pictures are so scary. Glad you’re ok.

    8. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I hear you. I was in Palo Alto CA for Loma Prieta in 1989. One thing that helped me was collecting the (at least somewhat) humorous stories. Here for your amusement… The student who was holding onto something to help him stand up only to be told that lamp post had been swaying 35° back&forth. The swim team who had kids splashed out of the pool as they went to turn and swim back the other way. The biker who thought he’d blown a tire until he realized acorns were hitting him and car alarms were going off.
      I had to pack away a few jingly things in my bedroom, like a classic old windup toy, because the sound was waking me up for aftershocks I wouldn’t otherwise have felt.
      We also started estimating the rating of an aftershock and looking it up to see how we did …that got to be fun.
      The hard part for me was moving back to the east coast and feeling subway rumbles as earthquakes. This too has passed. Hang in there!

    10. Anchorage*

      Thanks everyone. It’s gotten better today — aftershocks are less frequent and not as strong. And dealing with some logistics of the thing we don’t talk about has been a good distraction. Going to venture out — def learned a lesson about leaving my gas tank close to E and minimal food in the house!

      1. Kat in VA*

        They can last for up to a year after the initial quake. I won’t say that you get to the point where you can exactly them, but you become inured over time.

        I live relatively near Quantico, and they have a habit of blowing stuff up on the regular for training exercises. The first time the windows rattled from some higher-order explosive boom out in the woods, I was up and off the couch – and out the front door – in a flash before I could even think!

  7. NZHoney*

    My husband thinks that people ignore and he gets quite offended by it, often saying something to me afterwards. Most of the time these are people that know me well, and while they might have met him a few times, they generally talk to me. The problem I have is that he never actually talks to them, maybe just a hello that gets missed, but never any follow up communication.
    How do I broach this without hurting his feelings or him getting defensive??

    1. Cosette*

      Maybe in the moment, when he brings it up, just say matter of factly, well, to be fair you didn’t really talk to them either. Depends on him as to how you say it.. but it probably has to be when he brings it up,

      1. valentine*

        You don’t need to take this on, NZHoney. Let him be hurt and get defensive. Even if you’ve not pointed out they may not have heard his hello, is he appointing you social director or just stating his perspective and you’re rushing in to make it all better for him?

        When things are peaceful, though, maybe address his defensiveness, if it’s his go-to or common response.

    2. Loopy*

      I’d approach it less as a criticism of him and more of a “Well, lets figure out what we can do to avoid this in the future,” type of proactive conversation. I know it can be really hard to break into a conversation without it being awkward and/or feeling rude, so maybe you could tell him you’ll help get him engaged in the conversation or pleasantries next time but he has to be ready for it (meaning, he should be expecting it).

      I know I’m always so appreciative when someone throws me a line like “Gosh I can’t believe everyone here hates Marvel! Loopy, do you think the latest Marvel movie sucks too?” It’s just something to give me an opening to speak and it really helps me feel included and seen.

    3. Michaela Westen*

      I’ve known several men who say hello and then keep quiet. This gives the impression they don’t want to chat, and I respect that.
      Is there a way he could show more that he’d like to chat?

    4. Jane of All Trades*

      In addition to the suggestions others have made, maybe you can come up with strategies that will help him be in situations where he can talk more easily – eg, is it easier for him to socialize in smaller groups? Could you do a game night, go bowling, or do other activities where you have a bit of a structure around the interaction that can help with the conversation?

    5. Cee*

      You can probably also help by involving him in the conversation actively, giving him places to break in our tell a story. I’ve been in his position before, sometimes a little help goes a long way!!

    6. LilySparrow*

      I think when he brings him up, you could ask, “do you mean they ignored something you said? Or did you want them to try to draw you out?”

      Because if he expects other people who don’t know him well to invest a lot of emotional labor to entice him into the conversation, that’s not really reasonable. You don’t necessarily need to tell him that, because it would put him on the defensive. But the question might get him to consider his own approach.

      You mentioned hellos that get missed. It could be something as simple as raising his voice or making eye contact. If it’s more general that he feels left out of the conversation, you could ask him how he might want you to adjust your conversation style to include him more.

      It could be body language, like keeping him in everyone’s eyeline instead of off to the side. He might want you to ask his opinion (but some people might not want to be put on the spot so directly).

      But asking him what kind of support he wants is probably the best way to go, because it acknowledges his feelings and gives him agency in changing the dynamic.

      1. Ann O.*

        I think this is full of really good and useful advice, but I disagree with the framing that it’s emotional labor to draw someone into conversation. IMHO, that’s politeness and being a good conversationalist. Groups certainly can be better and worse about this. (personally, I am not very good at this, but I would never describe myself as a good conversationalist!)

        1. LilySparrow*

          It depends how withdrawn he is or appears to be.

          Some quiet people, if you make general remarks to the group and include them in eye contact, will start responding, at least nonverbally. And they will give nonverbal cues that they have something to contribute, so you can make space.

          But I’ve also encountered people who seem to actively avoid engagement and inclusion. Or who are so withdrawn you can’t get any response out of them without stopping the whole conversation to “pump” them for their opinion. That is emotional labor, and to expect that level of effort from everyone you meet socially is unreasonable.

      2. NZHoney*

        Thank you! That’s excellent advice.

        I’m normally the gregarious one, especially around people I know, and my husband is the quiet one.

    7. Paris-Berlin-Seoul Express*

      Why are you managing this for him? He’s an adult and should be managing his social interactions on his own. Next time he complains, ask him what he intends to do about it.

      1. Traffic_Spiral*

        On the one hand, spouses do a lot of each other. On the other hand, managing someone else’s social skills is real tough – especially if she’s got to find a way to hint at it because straight up saying “they aren’t ignoring you, you’re not talking to them,” hurts his feelings.

    8. Marion Ravenwood*

      I agree with the suggestion to try and bring him into the conversation. I’ve been the person who’s been on the edge of the discussion (usually with groups I don’t know very well and when it gets into in-jokes etc) and I would have found something like that massively helpful. Also if you want him to make more of an effort, then I’d encourage him to ask questions – even saying ‘how are you?’ when he says hello (if he doesn’t already) could make a big difference.

  8. Boketto*

    Period question!

    Do you have pain at the beginning of your period and has it changed for you over time? Do you take painkillers?

    The reason for asking this is that, in talking to a friend, I’ve once again realized how much the stories that we hear influence our perception of what is “normal” and common. And even doctors have their own biases and different approaches. Which is also why I think that places like these, while not a substitute for expert help, are very important for exchanging experiences!

    Anyway, I figured that my pain is somewhere around average or slightly above average at times (I’m completely fine if I take 1-2 ibuprofen pills early enough, if I’m late with it I’m usually stuck with an hour or two of fairly disruptive pain until the ibuprofen kicks in), because I have friends that need to take maximum dosage of painkillers and sometimes even that isn’t enough. However, this friend asked me if anyone has ever checked me for endometriosis, because that pain doesn’t seem normal to her – her own periods are most of the time completely pain-free, and she knows only one person other than me that needs to take a painkiller at all.

    So, I know that this can be highly individual, but I’m curious – what has been your experience?

    (For what it’s worth, when I brought up this pain with my doctors so far, no one has been worried or mentioned that it seems out of the ordinary, but I still plan to bring it up with my gynecologist on my next visit soon.)

    1. TL -*

      If I’m off birth control, the pain can get debilitating enough that I can’t function. On birth control, there will be some periods that it’s annoyingly persistant and will have little 5 minute waves of cramps bad enough that I’ll need to stop and take a breath – maybe every 1 out of 4 periods will be painful, though? The rest aren’t.

    2. Coleen*

      When I was young (still in school) it could be so bad I’d miss a day of school. As I got older I learned (as you have) to pre-medicate with some Ibuprofen. That helped a lot! But even through all that, endometriosis was never brought up nor a problem. I am 60 now and those years are behind me. I would mention it but I wouldn’t worry about it. Also, a lot of the women in my family were like me, but my daughter has much lighter and mostly pain free periods… so there ya go!

    3. Hermione Langstrumpf*

      I’m 29 and off birth-control. My periods are super painful, I take a special painkiller (max. dosage 1/24hrs) on the first two days as soon as I can feel the pain start. Otherwise it’s debilitating and nothing stops it for a few hours. This pill is not available in my country (went through all the options in the last 15 years and lately nothing helped), I get the current pill from the Netherlands (I swear it’s not marijuana!).
      I also need to take a pill when I ovulate. It’s not as painful as my period but especially my lower back hurts so much I can barely move.
      With the painkillers I am absolutely fine. My doctor says I have nothing to worry about.
      My mom used to have the same cramps during her period (not when ovulating though) and they stopped completely with her first kid.
      I wish the best of luck in finding medication to everyone who is experiencig period or ovulation pain. I’ve been very lucky that my boyfriends, roommates and colleagues have been super understanding if it occurred (and it was never a big deal to anyone).

    4. Red Reader*

      I’ve been on depo for yonks so I don’t have a monthly anymore, but when I did, a day or so of mild cramps was it. I don’t think you have anything to worry about, from your description.

    5. Christy*

      I occasionally have cramps that require a few ibuprofen but not every cycle and usually only on day 2. My wife, on the other hand, has back pain (radiating to her leg) so bad that she uses a heating pad and regular strong doses of ibuprofen for several days every cycle.

      1. Curly sue*

        I’m like your wife – back cramps, leg pain, my mobility takes a hit and even with high doses of ibuprofen I’m occasionally couch-bound. Thankfully it usually only lasts the first 12 hours or so. It’s very similar to my back labour pains from childbirth.

    6. Nicole76*

      I’m pretty much like you – as long as I get my ibuprofen at the start I’m good. Otherwise it’s cramping for a good half a day and then it gets better. Some sort of pain makes sense to me – you are shedding the lining of your uterus after all. If it was intense pain throughout that over the counter meds didn’t help then I’d be more concerned about endometriosis.

    7. Anon for this*

      In my teens and twenties about one in three periods would result in aching cramps that were unpleasant but not debilitating – like you, I’d be fine if I took painkillers in time, but if I didn’t have them it was unpleasant (thank-you high school sick leave policies – at 17 I couldn’t leave without a parent’s permission, or go to the store to be a pack of Advil) As I got older, it tapered off, and now it’s very mild sometimes at the beginning of the period, and sometimes near the end, but not enough to require pain killers. My flow is also lighter than it used to be and has changed in pattern (I’m hoping for menopause to kick in soon – one it became apparent my reproductive system wasn’t producing kids, I was so ready for this to be over).

    8. Jack Be Nimble*

      My cramps are generally bad but not overwhelming, but I also tend to have flu-like symptoms during my period, which is no fun.

      I also had a pelvic exam recently and asked tje doc about menstrual cups – I have one, but have never managed to use it correctly. It was either in securely with debilitating cramps or not secure and very leaky (I had similar issues with tampons).

      Turns out my cervix is shaped unusually and I’ll never be able to comfortably use a cup :/

      1. Ranon*

        Have you looked at the discs? They’re not as reusable as cups but they’ve gotten rave reviews from friends.

    9. Ranon*

      Pre-pregnancy, absolutely nothing in the way of cramps, at ovulation or any point in my period. Postpartum, a little cramping but nothing I’d even bother taking a painkiller for.

      Like your friend, I’ve wondered if I should mention endometriosis to my sister just because her cramps are so much worse than mine, although apparently middle of the road between mine and “completely debilitating for the entire week”

    10. Anon for this as well*

      I used to have periods that were much more debilitating than they are now. Once, in HS, I passed out from the pain. My pediatrician and my aunt (a gynecologist) both were not concerned and said it would get better. This was in the 90s and early 2000s, I don’t think there was as much awareness of endometriosis as there is now.

      When I was about 25, I had ovarian torsion — a cyst that had grown too large and twisted the ovary around itself until it cut off the blood supply. That was terrible pain; I thought I had appendicitis except that it hurt on the wrong side. Unfortunately they were not able to save the ovary, so I just have one now. But it’s a trooper and I still have regular periods, so….

      Now, in my 30s, I take 400 mg of ibuprofen with every meal for the first two days of my period. If I miss a dose, cramps are terrible, but not so bad as to miss work or anything. In the last few years, I get mild flu-like symptoms (generalized achiness, fatigue, chills, sometimes nausea) which is new but not debilitating. The interval between my periods has also gradually shortened, from every 5 weeks when I was a teen to every 25 days now.

      1. Kj*

        Hi five, fellow one-ovary haver! Same thing happened to me, except the torsion happened when I was 21 (and, worse, when I was one a backpacking trip. I had to be helicoptered out!)

    11. Blossom*

      32, no children. Usually no pain at all. Some months, a little cramping on day 1, but not bad enough to require a painkiller.

      I do recommend seeing a doctor if you have any concerns. I’ve always had long-ish slightly irregular cycles, but since it wasn’t causing any problems and it fell within the range considered normal, it was never considered worth looking into. Recently I’ve been paying for a course of private medical treatment for something kind of related, and this involved tests and scans that explained my cycle in much more detail. There’s still nothing concerning about it in my case, but I’m a “why” person so I like understanding the detail. There’s also a fair amount you can learn from tracking apps, measuring different symptoms.

    12. ElspethGC*

      I tend to get somewhat painful periods for the first 24 hours or so. It feels a bit like growing pains (or if anyone has varicose veins and gets achy legs, that sort of ache. I hate that I’m twenty and already have to talk about my damn varicose veins). It’s distracting and makes it hard to concentrate until the ibuprofen kicks in.

      Definitely not endo, though! I had a friend with endo and she literally vomited from the pain every month so had to be on anti-emetics every time her period came around. I’ve had one or two really bad periods in my late teens, where my mum came into my room to ask why I wasn’t getting ready for school and…well, let’s just say that apparently, I looked vaguely green. Took the day off school and I was fine twelve hours later.

      To put into context how little it bothers me, a side effect from my pill is that my periods have become more painful – I get cramps every month now rather than only occasionally – but I’ve decided that it’s a reasonable compromise for regular periods. Yeah, they don’t really bother me.

      I think it’s more surprising when people *don’t* get cramps. Your uterus is contracting! You’re literally going through a tiny mini labour! Your uterine muscle is doing the exact thing that it does to get a baby out, and it’s basically muscle spasms. It would be surprising if you *didn’t* feel any discomfort from that.

    13. Lehigh*

      On birth control I don’t get a period. When I did, though, it was debilitating without meds. Occasionally threw up from the pain, more often thought I was going to, would end up lying on the floor near the toilet or lying in bed with a heating pad for hours just wishing and wishing for sleep. Once I had to call a ride home from work because the pain was interfering with my eyesight (making me lightheaded, I suppose) so I wasn’t sure I could drive.

      Ibuprofen and tylenol were both completely useless, didn’t touch the pain. I didn’t grow up with Aleve but finally found that it is the one painkiller that helps me. If I took it at the very first hint of pain, Aleve could usually manage it for me. If I didn’t take it in time, it could still mitigate the pain eventually but it was too late to have a good day.

      At one point I was in really good shape with a very strong core. That helped a LOT–it made it so that maybe only two or three periods a year were debilitating instead of all of them. The only downside was I got out of the habit of taking painkillers and then would be taken by surprise when it got bad.

      From what I heard growing up, I don’t think my pain level is unusual.

      I did get a lot of side-eye for not handling it more gracefully from people who thought I was exaggerating, until I had a kidney stone and could confirm that the pain was very similar. I sometimes think about going off of BC and hope that I will be able to handle the pain better with more life experience…but that may be wishful thinking.

      1. Lehigh*

        Just to add: the debilitating cramps only lasted a day or two, from what I can remember. With periods of relief. So, not like a week straight or anything.

    14. Agnodike*

      It’s so normal to need painkillers for period cramps that an entire brand of medication was developed to address this market niche. Your friend is being weird. I have essentially the same period experience as you describe and my uterus is perfectly normal.

      I could go on a long rant here about our cultural relationship to women’s pain, but I won’t. Suffice it to say that there’s never any harm in mentioning something to a doctor, but that I’m side eyeing your friend hard right now for suggesting a long and invasive course of investigations to you because your experience of your body doesn’t match up with her experience of her body.

      1. LilySparrow*

        Yeah, I agree. If your friend isn’t on BC I think her experience is the exception, not yours.

      2. Boketto*

        Her comment came really from a place of caring, as in “ugh, that sounds painful, maybe you don’t need to suffer this much?” (from her perspective). We talk a lot about our reproductive health and symptoms lately, so I definitely didn’t read any ill or judgy intention into it.

        1. Agnodike*

          It’s definitely possible to send someone a harmful or hurtful message thoughtlessly rather than from a place of deliberate malice. Your original comment definitely didn’t imply malice on your friend’s part! But it’s still pretty rough for her to say, no matter how much from a place of caring, “Your body is different than mine so I assume something is wrong with you.”

          1. Alice*

            “Maybe you should talk to your doctor about a condition that might explain your painful symptoms” is not the same as “Something is wrong with you.”

          2. Myrin*

            I think that’s a very unkind reading of Boketto’s friend.

            Her reaction doesn’t seem unusual to me at all – both she and Boketto share a bodily phenomenon, but it’s painful for Boketto and not at all painful for her. I don’t think it’s “rough” to think “Huh, I don’t have any pain during my periods and I have only one other friend who does; I figure from that that usually, people don’t experience much pain from their periods; but if Boketto experiences pain like that, maybe she has a condition which could be treated and allow her to be pain-free, too!”.
            (Whether she’s statistically right about it being more “normal” to not feel pain than to feel pain I have no idea, but I can easily see someone extrapolating from their personal anecdotes.)

            (I also think it’s a bit unfair to characterise this as an issue of “your body is different than mine”. We’re not talking about someone with a flat stomach urging their friend with a lot of body fat to get surgery. This is someone feeling bad about the pain her friend experiences and thinking of a possible way to lessen that pain.)

            1. Boketto*

              Thank you, this is exactly the way I see it as well, and you’ve managed to put it into words so nicely.

    15. Anon for this question*

      Until about 5 years ago they used to be manageable with Advil, but if I didn’t take it early enough it would be bad enough that I’d be unable to sleep, and would occasionally throw up.
      When I tried the copper IUD things got so bad that I’d have to take several Alleve throughout the day. I’ve gotten rid of the IUD, and right now it’s easy enough that I’ll take one or two in the first day, and then I’m mostly fine.

    16. Anon who has periods*

      I used to get awful cramps on day 1 or 2 and then be fine the rest of the week with an upset stomach here and there. Also bad back and leg pain (this was on the pill and before I went on birth control).
      On IUD #1 I got cramps sometimes, but usually a week before I got my period which was a great warning sign. However I started getting more and more muscle and joint pain and getting flu like symptoms when I had my period. Again this was only for a day or two at the beginning.
      Now on IUD #2 I rarely get bad cramps like I did before IUDs. An acetaminophen usually takes care of it. Still get back and leg pain.

    17. Myrin*

      I have something ranging from slightly painful uncomfortableness to slight pain on the first day of my period for about… two hours? Accompanied by diarrhoea, yay! But that’s really the extent of it.

    18. ScotKat*

      I have bad pain the first day, sometimes into the second, although some months it can be OK. I usually take a co-codamol painkiller because they are bad pains. I am 35 and I’ve always have bad pains, and they sound worse than yours, and it isn’t anything ‘serious’, so I think you sound fine if you’re able to manage yours with ibuprofen (and it isn’t messing too much with your life). Ibuprofen does nothing for mine, unfortunately. I need the prescriptions!

      I think it’s very individual and might even be genetic, as my mum and grandma both had bad pains too. I mean, sounds like you’ll be reassured by speaking to your gynaecologist, but to me it doesn’t sound like something you should be actually worried about. I don’t think ‘armchair’ diagnoses are massively helpful, especially if the other person has no experience of what you’re feeling. Hope you get it sorted soon!

    19. DCR*

      I generally have no pain at all. In fact, before i started tracking, I wouldn’t realize I was having my period until I went to the restroom. Maybe once or twice a year I’ll get back pain. But I have back pain at other times of the month, so I’m not sure that is actually associated with my period.

      I will add that I’m almost always on birth control. During at least one time when I was off birth control, I would always get migraines when my period started

    20. Chocamole?*

      Severe pain, yes. Without medication my cramps will leave me lying curled up on my side, whimpering and making unvoluntary pain noises. I can’t walk upright and may vomit (projectile style) from the waves of cramps. I will be unable to eat or drink normally, and cannot concentrate on anything but riding the cramps. This will be about two days, and then milder but still nauseating cramps on day 4-5.
      This runs in the family, and I’ve been told the cramps are birth cramp levels. Every month.

      I’ve had 28 years of this so far, and have plenty of experience in managing it. I don’t aim for pain free days, but I want to be able to walk and sit upright, not make unvoluntary pain noises, and be able to think (aka go to work and function somewhat normally). Some months I get migraines accompanying the first days, those are strictly bed ridden days.

      The most important factor for me is taking pain meds before the first major cramps. I have a 30 min window from realising it’s starting till I’m crawling on the floor. If it happens while I’m sleeping, that day is fucked. If I know it will happen at work, I will need to take preventive pain meds if I’m going to a meeting etc.
      I just take 3 ibuprofen for the first wave, and then refill with 2-3 more every 90-120 min, depending on the demands of the day. I just take the edge off, and still need to have little breaks («birth breathing» and stomach rubbing, e.g.) to acknowledge and mentally «put away» the pain during the day.

      I also eat chocolate for the pain, which genuinely helps (good to take before the pills start working, and as food substitute). It’s the cocoa that somehow work, so cocoa powder mashed with avocado also help, if sugar is no-go). Jasmine green tea is good as well, water can be difficult to drink during the cramps. Heat is also good for both the cramps and the back ache that comes during the day. Wool, water bottles and baths.

      1. Jane of All Trades*

        That sounds terrible. As others on this thread suggest, I have had really good experiences taking Alleve on days where the normal Advil is not enough. Maybe that could help you too?

      2. MissDisplaced*

        I used to have luck with muscle relaxers for cramp pain along with Advil. Also, a heating pad can work wonders with bad cramps. Getting a massage can help with the back ache.

    21. NicoleK*

      I use to get cramps the first couple days of my period. Some months, it wasn’t too bad. But sometimes the cramps were terrible. The last 10 years or so, it changed. I don’t get cramps anymore, but backaches.

    22. Amerdale*

      I always have some mild (well I consoder them that) on my first and second day. More annoying than anyhing else, no need for any kind of painkillers, just enough that I forgo exercising for those days. Once or twice in a year the cramps are stronger and I take 1 or 2 ibuprofen.

      But like Coleen and others, mine was a lot worse, when I was a teen. I regularly missed school because I just couldn’t sit and concentrate for hours. It got continually better during my twenties.

    23. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

      Day 1: 1 midol, an ice pack to fight off icky cramps. Day 2: less cramps, but 1 midol. Both days 1 & 2 require dark chocolate and pb to satiate me, plus meat/tiny not-large meals. Days 3/after are manageable without meds.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        FWIW, I just learned this year that Midol has caffeine. That suddenly answered my question of how I ended up with a caffeine jones even before I learned to LIKE coffee.

        1. Annie Moose*

          Ha, I almost never consume caffeine, so Midol has a VERY strong effect on me. I’ll just be sitting at work vibrating and suddenly go “oh… that’s the caffeine, how weird.”

    24. Turtlewings*

      I’m curious what pain you mean? Like, what is it that’s hurting? Like cramps, or migraines, or what? Surely you don’t just… hurt all over your body for no reason. That’s definitely not normal.

      It’s not uncommon for me to have migraines and cramps the first few days of/around the beginning of my period. Both usually respond to 2-3 ibuprofen. My cramps rarely actually hurt, they just feel very uncomfortable and twisty in my middle. I didn’t even know actual *pain* with cramps was a thing until my best friend told me how much worse hers are. In recent years I’ve had cramps that hurt a couple of times but it’s very rare for me.

      Other common pre/peri-menstrual symptoms for me include fatigue, mood swings, acne, dizziness, and Endless Hunger. I have definitely felt my body’s reactions to my period shifting around a bit as I get older (I’m 34) — the dizziness, migraines and hunger are worse, the acne and mood swings are better. I feel like on the whole I have a much lighter and less awful period experience than many women I know, including my two best friends and my sisters (3 of which have PCOS).

      1. Boketto*

        I meant abdomen pain, sorry. :D I typed “cramps” first, but that didn’t seem right, since the feeling is more just general pain in the abdomen area, not a cramp that comes and goes in waves.

        1. Turtlewings*

          Ah, okay. That might have made perfect sense to me if it was something I experience, but like I said, I get cramps that are distinctly unpleasant without being exactly painful (usually). Bummer that you do!

    25. ThatGirl*

      Doctors just do not seem to take women’s pain seriously, especially related to periods. It sucks.

      I have an IUD now, but when I had regular periods, even on the pill, the first day was often the worst and I required a steady stream of ibuprofen to get through.

      1. Auntie Social*

        I went to a new GYN and he said during my exam how my uterus was badly tipped, fibroids, etc, and then he said “your periods must be hell. Just literal hell”. And I cried for 10 minutes because somebody finally GOT IT. My mom was wrong, I’m not a wuss, all the advice from friends was crap, etc. I’d have married him if he’d asked me.

      2. Kat in VA*

        My periods were never a big deal, a day or so of cramping, the usual period sh*ts, that kind of thing.

        My daughter, on the other hand – pain debilitating enough for an Honors student to miss two days or more of school a month, wild mood swings, and general misery.

        I took her to my OB/GYN and even though she’s not sexually active and was 14 at the time, agreed immediately that putting her on a lower dose pill to help get her hormones under control was a great idea. I was so grateful I didn’t have to beg or plead to get her some relief.

        Me? I have had four kids and am nearly 50 – I take the pill continuously so as to avoid the whole mess entirely and I’m thrilled with not having to go through all the mess, cramping, diarrhea, headaches, and general shenanigans that accompany a period every month!

        1. Tiny Soprano*

          Gosh I’m so glad times have changed! I was in a similar boat to your daughter at the same age (except I had dysfunctional uterine disorder as well which meant I had a heavy period for a whole year straight) and they wouldn’t put me on the pill because I was 13. Ugh.

          As for cramps though the pill works really well for me to minimise them. Without it I’m in a ball on days 2 and 3 because paracetamol and ibuprofen don’t really work. Naprogesics take the edge off but the dull back ache is still there. The doc prefers it if I skip them altogether, and much like you I prefer it that way!

    26. Jessi*

      Please see a nutritionist with a degree in human nutrition! Often times painful periods are hormonally caused and a proper decent nutritionist can look at your bloodwork and see what you are deficient in and then use nutrition and supplements to help right the hormones that are causing the pain. My friend is a nutritionist and she swears that periods shouldn’t be painful!

      1. LilySparrow*

        Your friend is being hyperbolic, or is very inexperienced. There is no magic nutrient or perfect eating plan that fixes everything for everyone.

        Yes, good nutrition and fitness help. But making wild claims like “no woman should have any period pain if she’s eating properly” is body-shaming and encourages magical thinking and disordered eating behaviors. A health professional should know better than to say something so irresponsible.

        Women don’t have cramps because they’re doing it wrong. They have cramps because the strongest muscle in their body is in spasms and is forcing their cervix open.

        1. Boketto*

          Yes, this is sort of what I’ve been wondering about, especially because I’ve been experimenting with removing/reducing wheat, dairy, sugar, caffeine and alcohol from my diet for the past 3 months, partly in hope that it might help with breast tenderness/pain and period pain, as suggested by some sources. I was a bit disappointed that it does not seem to help so far, so thank you for the reminder about no magic solutions.

      2. Agnodike*

        “Nutritionist” is not a registered health profession and there are no restrictions on who can call themselves a nutritionist or on the quality of the knowledge such a person might possess. A registered dietitian can advise someone on nutrition and is a valuable part of a healthcare team, but RDs don’t – at least in my jurisdiction – order or interpret bloodwork, which is the purview of people with medical training only. Please don’t recommend that people see unlicensed service providers about their health, and please don’t spread unscientific misinformation about the human body.

      3. Courageous cat*

        I don’t think this is a thing – also, from my understanding, look for a registered dietician. Anyone can be a nutritionist (as evidenced). This sounds more like “fasting is good because it eliminates toxins” science.

    27. Ghost Writer*

      I’m on birth control. I generally have bad cramps for one day (I need to take 2 extra strength Advil every few hours and use a heating pad if home and still feel crappy), and will have annoying cramps for one or two days after (I might just take 2 Advil in the morning or might take 1 Advil every few hours the whole day to keep the pain at a manageable level).

      I briefly tried a different birth control that my doctor thought would help with hormonal acne, but I had to stop after three months because I’d get debilitating cramps for a few days (it was so bad I would have to stop what I was doing and curl up at times).

    28. I'm A Little Teapot*

      I will get cramps the first day or so, it’s actually an early warning for me so I don’t ruin my clothes. The severity has varied over time. As a teen, these could last 2-3 days and be completely debilitating, even with painkillers and heating pads. Eventually it stabilized into what I have now, and I often don’t take painkillers (unless I’m trying to sleep)

      I have a copper IUD, and when that was new I had HORRIBLE cramps and REALLY REALLY heavy periods (like soaking through super tampon and overnight pads in an hour or 2), but it gradually has normalized.

    29. Beatrice*

      Has anyone else’s periods changed over time? It seems like mine evolve every few years, with changes in bleeding level, clots, duration, and pain. Nowadays, I have super heavy bleeding, lots of clots, around 5 days duration, and minimal pain. The heavy bleeding and clots are new in the last couple of years, but were also a thing when I was in my teens – in between, my bleeding was moderate and relatively clot-free but the duration was longer. There was a time when pain would warn me it was coming, and that stopped happening, so I had to chart it. There was about a year when my breasts would get a little sore, but that doesn’t happen anymore, etc.

      I’ve talked to my doctor about it, and he says it’s nothing to worry about, and attributes it to going on and off birth control, having a child, losing a couple of pregnancies, weight changes, activity level changes, age, etc. I’m interested in hearing what other women experience, though!

      2. Enough*

        My periods got very heavy with clots after I had a miscarriage and lasted till menopause. Pain varied over the years. Nothing in my teens. 2 years of intense pain that lasted 1 1/2 hours in my early 20s. Yes hours. It was weird. Then mostly rare stabbing pain in lower left abdomen during ovulation after second child was born.

    30. Grapey*

      I’ve never had any pain with mine, just mild “reminding you I’m here” cramps the first day and I don’t notice anything else for the remaining 3 or 4 days.

      Also my cycle is naturally longer at about 45 days.

      Sometimes my body skips the downstairs murder scene but I always get mild symptoms like breast tenderness and at least one honking zit a few days beforehand.

      1. Enough*

        My cycle was never regular till child 2 (needed a little medical I intervention to get pregnant). Appeared I never ovulated regularly. I had a period go 64 days once. Periods also varied from almost non-existent to a normal amount. Was regular after child 2 at 28-30 and knew the exact moment I got pregnant with child 3. Stayed that way till menopause. My sister was always regular at 6 weeks. And my mother was 28 days and an hour.

      2. Owler*

        Mine was a similar 45-ish days (emphasis on the -ish) and skipping, and it turns out, I was anemic. If you ever have problems with fatigue or bruising (like getting a big bruise on your hip even though you thought you only the doorway), ask your doctor for a blood test to see how your iron looks. I felt so much better once we treated my iron deficiency.

        (If everything else feels fine, then ignore my comment and continue to enjoy the fewer visits from Aunt Flo!)

    31. LilySparrow*

      One thing I think is important to note is that the prevalence of hormonal birth control has changed a lot of women’s concept of what a normal period is. I tried different formulations of the pill and the Depo shot, and had wicked scary/health-risky side effects to all of them. So most of my life I have not been on any.

      I have not had any other reproductive health problems, and was able to get pregnant easily in my late 30’s. So the levels of pain you describe sound very normal to me.

      I had very painful periods frequently for the first couple of years (like skip a day of school and stay in bed with Motrin & a heating pad). By my late teens – 20’s it usually ranged from an annoyance to an inconvenience – take Ibuprofen and reduce my workout or possibly skip the gym, but still go to work and perform at about 70- 80% normal. I’d call it nagging discomfort rather than pain. I did have very noticeable PMS symptoms, like breakouts, bloating, and mood swings.

      In my late 20’s – mid 30’s severe cramps were rare (or I was just used to them), but I would be aware of them. The PMS was less, but still noticeable, and a couple times a year I’d get a migraine along with it (usually if I was under a lot of stress).

      Late 30’s were pregnancy/breastfeeding time, all haywire.

      In my early 40’s I wouldn’t get cramps, but sometimes nausea and flulike fatigue/aching through my lower back and legs, along with a couple of years of frequent monthly migraines with a couple of days of aura around them. That was also stress related, because those migranes stopped the month I quit that job.

      Around that time was when I started having “stealth periods”, with no noticable cramps or PMS symptoms at all. My gyno said it was because of perimenopause, and those were the months I didn’t ovulate.

      Now I still have regular cycles, but never have cramps or PMS to speak of, other than a sudden pimple and some water retention. But I take a lot of anti-inflammatories now for other reasons, so that might be masking some of it. The main problem now is that the stealth periods are sometimes very heavy and very sudden.

      You know those giant maxi-pads that look like second-cousin to a Depends? I keep those with me now, sometimes it’s that bad.

      I get all my annual checks and talk to my gyno about all of it – it’s all perfectly normal.

    32. Snow Drift*

      Mine were so bad in my teen years that my teachers/parents would find me unconscious in the bathroom. My brain just whited out from the pain. They also lasted forever (usually 9 to 11 days).

      Years of tests by multiple doctors came up with no cause. I supposedly do not have endo, PCOS, cysts, tumors, or anything else that would explain the extreme pain. I ended up just taking BCP with no off week (this was before Seasonale existed) and now I have a Mirena.

      Hiding the symptoms isn’t a cure, but nobody was willing to give me a tubal/ablation because they insisted I would change my mind about not wanting children.

      1. Doc in a Box*

        A tubal ligation does not stop your periods. It just cuts the fallopian tubes. As long as your ovaries are functional and your uterus is intact, you’ll have periods.

        That said, denying a highly effective form of BC because you might change your mind is terribly paternalistic! Hope you find another gyn

        1. Snow Drift*

          I know. The ablation would (hopefully) have made them less severe, and the tubal goes hand-in-hand with that procedure.

    33. 24 year old*

      never any pain! just get stuck in the restroom for a while with an active stomach ache the day beforehand.

    35. Vic tower*

      Obgyn here. Very broad range of symptoms can be normal. Also, unfortunately, severity of pain =/= severity of endometriosis. So some women have one tiny deposit and severe pain and others have extensive disease with no symptoms. However there is some correlation usually.
      As people have mentioned, the combined OCP can be very useful in controlling symptoms, as can paracetamol and NSAIDs (ibuprofen etc). Some women will always need to take analgesia on their period or during ovulation. HOWEVER, if pain (or heaviness) is having an impact on your life (unable to work, missing events, iron deficiency, avoiding sex etc) then you should definitely get it checked out. Mirena can be very effective against pain and heaviness if the COCP doesn’t help.
      Finally, my periods are fine when on the pill or mirena but without it I get a few cramps and occasionally take a couple of simple analgesics. I also get stronger pain with ovulation than I do on my period that can last a couple of days intermittently but again very manageable with paracetamol or ibuprofen.

    36. Annie Moose*

      It varies. I’d say a quarter of my periods, I only have minor, easily overlooked cramps that I don’t take anything for (or perhaps I take painkillers once); half the time, I have stronger cramps that require painkillers multiple times; and a quarter of my periods I have cramps strong enough to take multiple kinds of painkillers at once, and often don’t leave the house/leave work early/etc. However, this will generally only be one day out of the whole period.

      So to sum it up: in a given year, there are perhaps 3-4 days of debilitating pain, 10-15 where I take painkillers but am otherwise fine, and maybe about that many where I have mild cramping/backache that’s too minor to take anything for.

      26, not on birth control

    37. MissDisplaced*

      When I was in teens/20s I used to get really bad cramps, often to the point of doubling over/missing work.
      In 30s the cramps weren’t too bad, more like back ache and medium cramps first day, but nothing Advil wouldn’t fix. But then came the debilitating migraines! They almost always hit 1-2 days post-period.
      50s: I’m happy to report I seem to be full-on menopause, and it really hasn’t been so bad. I’m now at least 6 months period-free YAY! and as such, no more migraines. I do tend to ‘run a bit warm,’ and get some occasional hot flashes/night sweats, but nothing so bad as I’ve been told happens. So far, I seem to be easing into this without too much fuss.
      Strange how it changes through life. Personally, I’m glad it’s stopping. No more migraines or tampon/pad buying is a win in my book.

    38. Emily*

      I’m 27, never been on birth control. I usually feel gross on the first day of my period (I don’t know how to describe it accurately, but I would assume it’s mild-to-moderate pain – enough to make me feel bad, not enough to stop me from getting out of bed). One or two ibuprofen helps, when I remember to take it. Occasionally I will have some cramping on the second day, but often I don’t, and by the third day I’m fine.

      Other (potentially relevant?) information:
      – I have noticed that eating and exercise in the weeks leading up to my period have an effect on how bad I feel on the first day/how heavy my period is, even though my weight rarely fluctuates more than a pound or two.
      – I think I have a heavier-than-average flow (I have overflowed my DivaCup before). I take a daily iron supplement to ensure that my iron levels stay healthy.

    39. Anonomo*

      I have pretty light pain with periods. Im likely to have a migraine, maybe some zits but no real cramping. My cycles about 35ish days and Ill get a twinge or 2 of ovulation pain in there. My pain tolerance is also a bit higher than average as well, that may play into my experience too. As for your friend, Ive always heard periods shouldnt hurt more than a bit of aspirin can take care of and if the pain is stronger then to get checked for endo so I understand where she’s coming from, but after all the replies I dont know how true that is.

    40. JewelryLover*

      I’m in my later 40’s and have started getting ocular migraines in the week before my period. I also pop Alleve like candy so I can move and so I don’t vomit. My periods have been that painful for my whole entire life.

      But, I’m mostly regular still (28 days), bleed heavily for 2 days, then spot for 2 and it’s done. So I”m luckier than my sister who is irregular and can have a period that lasts for 2 weeks normally, with extremely heavy bleeding.

    41. Blue_eyes*

      I’m in my early 30s. Since I was a teenager I’ve gotten severe cramps with every period. I usually need to take the max dose of Aleve every day for the first 2-3 days of each period. Sometimes I’ve even needed to take more than the max recommended dose of Aleve, or alternate Aleve (naproxen) with Tylenol (acetaminophen). When I’m on hormonal birth control (most recently a Mirena IUD) my period flow and cramps are both significantly reduced and I rarely need to take pain killers. I had a copper IUD for a while, but it made my cramps worse, or at least not better, so I switched to Mirena.

    42. MonkeySeeMonkeyDo*

      When I’m not on birth control my period cramping is bad enough that I have frequently vomited from the pain. With birth control I’m usually okay with a couple of over the counter painkillers, but without it I straight up need prescription pain killers and to sleep through the first day.

      Only one of my doctors has ever not written this off and the only thing she did was put me on birth control and recommend that I consider getting an IUD.

    43. Observer*

      It’s the very rare doctor that gets it- I don’t know how often I’ve heard “oh, this can be normal for some women and there is often no cause” even for ridiculously debilitating pain. And it’s just not true. Yes, some women have a harder time than others without an underlying problem, but I simply can’t take a doctor’s lack of concern as any sort of indicator.

      It sounds to me like you’re on a border. Besides endo, which can actually be hard to check for, things that are worth checking for are uterine fibroids (especially if the problem has gotten worse over time), thyroid and Vitamin D.

    44. Francine*

      For me, it went from really bad periods in my teens to manageable in my twenties (by discovering ibuprofen – I’d tried Aspirin all the years before and it did zilch). I’d still get pain so bad it made me throw up about every three months or so – but throwing up always made the pain go away. Go figure.
      Then, in my thirties, things got manageable on just ibuprofen, later just heating pad (when my body decided painkillers should make it break out in hives).
      Had my first kid at 36, two years ago, and my periods have not been painful since. Lets see whether that changes once I’ll be done nursing.
      Bodies are strange.

  9. TL -*

    One of the more interesting talks I’ve had about cross-cultural differences lately – both NZ and Australia are dramatically hiking cigarette prices in an effort to lower smoking rates further and a Kiwi friend and I were discussing.
    Cigarettes here start at $21 NZD (15 USD) per pack and in Australia it’s $28 AUD ($20 USD) and they have plain packaging laws. (Both countries are set to nearly double prices in the next few years.)
    But the smoking rates in both countries are about the same as they are in the USA, where the average price of cigarettes is $5.51 and we don’t have plain packaging laws.

    My Kiwi friend was shocked – his position was people would of course smoke more if it was cheaper, so he thought the USA would have much higher smoking rates. But cigarette smoking is heavily socially shamed in the USA and it’s rare to see people smoking openly in public. Whereas I see more people smoking very casually out on the sidewalk here and it’s pretty rude to make faces or cough pointedly if someone is getting cigarette smoke ‘on’ you.

    I thought it was really fascinating the different ways societies have of achieving public health goals. And how much we default into ‘our way is the right way’ because it works – there’s usually more than one way to skin a cat!

    1. Shaze*

      And we aren’t happy about our $5 a pack either! I quit 20 years ago… and prices had just started to edge over $1 a pack. I can’t imagine paying $5. Certainly not $15!!

    2. Jack Be Nimble*

      Smoking in the US has a lot of age and regional variation, too! I live in a big city on the east coast, and I see a lot of people smoking, but hardly anyone my own age. When I lived in a big city in the midwest, there were almost no smokers of any age, but when I lived in a small town in the same state, everybody smoked.

      The people I know who smoke have an occasional cigarette at a party, or smoke a couple times a day. I don’t think I know anyone who’s a pack a day smoker, unless they’re very good about hiding it!

      1. Lilo*

        It varies between cities too. I have lived in DC, Chicago, and Seattle and not much smoking there, but saw a ton more of it in NYC. That may have just been a population density thing.

        In my own (large) family my more rural cousins smoke while the suburban/urban ones do not.

    3. Loopy*

      I had no idea! That’s fascinating.

      Not to make this about Work, but I have sensed negativity around smoking in regards to unequal treatment to go take breaks. I know I’ve heard lots of muttering at multiple jobs about smokers getting unfair leeway to take numerous breaks while the rest of the team would be seen as slacking being away from their desk so often and for the same periods of time. I think Japan even rewards non-smokers because they don’t “waste time” (phrasing is mine, I’m grappling for how it was put) on smoke breaks?

      1. Lilo*

        I do remember in my terrible fast food job as a teenager, the smokers ended up with regular breaks, while I never, ever got a break (the place was a huge bag of labor violations). I would get crap for using The bathroom while smokers would go out hourly. The store manager, unsurprisingly, was a smoker.

        1. hermit crab*

          You’re not alone – people have been annoyed about that for a long time! When my grandma was a teenager in the 1940s, she worked summers as a camp counselor. She got so fed up with the smoke break situation that she temporarily took up smoking (or pretending to smoke, depending on how she tells the story).

        2. MassMatt*

          I know several people that started smoking while working in restaurants precisely because it got them excuses for breaks. For some reason saying “I’m going to go have a cigarette “ was ok but just saying “I’m going to stop working for 5 minutes and go stand in the alley” was not.

          1. Iain C*

            I got annoyed about this once, so started taking fag breaks too. I don’t start smoking, but I took the break!

      2. Rebecca*

        This is a bone of contention at my workplace. Smokers go outside about once per hour! It’s ridiculous. If you can’t make it to break time (2 hours into shift), then another 2 hours to lunch, another 2 hours to the next break, and then another 2 hours until quitting time, you have a problem. I assume they sleep more than one hour at a time, after all. And I’m a former smoker!

        I truly believe they should have to clock out and in every single time, except the actual paid break times. And yes, we are all tired of walking through the haze of smoke outside the door and having to go through them when it rains as they huddle right at the door under the awning. None of us like the smell. I’ve had people ask me, have you started smoking again? Your car/coat/whatever smells like cigarette smoke, but no, it’s because I’m exposed to second hand smoke every work day. But it’s only an extra 15 or so minutes a day, they say, OK, then – 240 working days per year x 15 minutes “extra” = 3600 minutes = 7.5 days of extra paid time off during the year. That’s why non smokers grouse about this.

        1. tangerineRose*

          In some places, smokers have to stay 50 feet (or something like that) away from the business door when they smoke. But even when that’s the law, that doesn’t always happen.

          I get annoyed at the smell that comes inside with the smoker.

      3. Kat in VA*

        I figure the hour of lunch I “donate” to work every day offsets the three breaks I take (one at 10:00, one at noon, the last at 2:00). I work through my lunch and take a lunch hour once a month to see the doctor. I also get to work around 15 minutes early most days. I’m conscious of the smell as much as I can be (wear a coat & scarf, wash hands, mouthwash, etc.) and I don’t abuse the privilege.

        Yes, I need to quit smoking. No one has said anything (other than the usual “We gotta get you to quit, Kat”).

      4. In Japan*

        I’m in Japan and haven’t heard of anything regarding limits on smoke breaks. In cities fewer people smoke than in the countryside but the smoking rate is still quite high, mostly among men (who are most of the workforce) so while companies may feel smoke breaks are a waste of time, punishing workers who smoke would really anger their main workforce.

    4. TIFTP*

      Pity the same tactics of social shaming have been useless in tackling the overwhelming obesity rates in the US.

      1. TIFTP*

        Note – not saying that shaming /should/ be used as a tactic, just that there’s significant social stigma there as well but it doesn’t seem to have any effect on the end results. (Not trying to start diet talks either, after the thread yesterday where people are quite sensitive to that kind of thing).

        1. Peacemaker*

          I wonder if the difference is about outcomes versus process? Obesity is an outcome of overeating (the process by which one becomes obese), and eating isn’t really shamed the way obesity is. On the other hand, smoking (the process) is shamed, while of course cancer and various other illnesses (the outcome) are not. Maybe we should be shaming the process more than the outcome.

          1. Peacemaker*

            I should mention, of course I know it’s more complicated than that, and there are multiple causes for both outcomes. Still, the difference seems striking to me.

          2. Lehigh*

            Yeah, that’s what bothers me when people say things like, “Well, being fat is just as dangerous as smoking” as a justification for body-shaming.

            (I understand neither of you is advocating for this.)

            It would be similarly horrible to have a mean or callous attitude toward someone who has lung cancer or has very wrinkled skin. Yeah, maybe they smoked, but there are other possible causes and also what’s the point of shaming the outcome? It’s too far removed from the behavior to be an effective deterrent for the average person, and it’s cruel.

          3. catsaway*

            The other issue, of course, is that everyone needs to eat to survive and no one needs to smoke to survive. Add to that the fact that, while there’s a certain range, people do have different caloric and nutritional needs, allergies, food preferences, the cultural importance of food to many folks etc, you end up with a very different reality of the process of becoming obese vs the process of smoking.

          4. HannahS*

            Lung cancer is pretty shamed, actually. It’s often seen as being just deserts for smoking, to the point that the response to “So-and-so has lung cancer” isn’t “Oh no, that’s terrible” but is instead “Mmhmm, well, did they smoke?” They also have quite a hard time with campaigns for funding because of it.

      2. SemiRetired*

        Nobody chooses to be obese but people choose to smoke. Even addicts have the option to just stop. No one can “just stop’ being obese. The situations are not at all analogous. Plus, no one else is affected by being in the vicinity of an obese person, while smoking persons stink and their second-hand smoke affects anyone in proximity.

        Social shaming probably adds to the obesity problem more than it helps. Frankly, “shaming” the obese sounds to me more like bigotry than an effective public health technique. I am somewhat appalled that you have even suggested it as something that could be beneficial.

        1. SemiRetired*

          TIFTP, I just saw your followup comment that you are not advocating this. I apologize for jumping the gun. (Now, where did that expression come from? Another one that doesn’t make sense.)

          1. Qosanchia*

            Derailing a bit, but I always understood “jumping the gun” to be related to racing, where a starting gun is used to signal the start of the race. “Jumping the gun” would be jumping to start before the gun has fired off.

          2. Ann O.*

            It makes a lot of sense if you’ve been a sprinter. :) Sprinters start races from starting blocks, with a hands on the track/feet against the block position. They push off the blocks to the upright running position. They have to hold the start until the gun goes off. Coming off the blocks early is a violation and “jumping the gun”.

        2. ..Kat..*

          Just ask anyone who is overweight. They are routinely fat-shamed. (And it does not change anyone’s weight.) Some studies suggest that this lifelong shaming is what causes the most health issues for the overweight. For more information, and maybe a bit of compassion, check out the Dances with Fat blog.

      3. tangerineRose*

        Shaming probably makes things worse – at least it would for me. When I feel sad, I want my chocolate.

      4. TL -*

        Obesity rates have actually stopped rising in the USA and in some sectors have started falling (children).

        But smoking also had more media campaigns with a clearer message. Stop smoking is much easier to obtain than eat calories equal to or less than your output.

      5. LilySparrow*

        I should think that encouraging physical fitness and the growing popularity of charity run/walks, extreme challenge sports, bikesharing services, para-athletics, lifelong fitness, body-positive gyms, etc, would be helpful in reducing both smoking and obesity.

    5. Rebecca*

      Here in Pennsylvania, (I had to look it up online) average price per pack is $6.85 and about $10 in Philadelphia due to taxes. I knew dedicated smokers who got around the $70+ per carton cost by going to Indian reservations in NY State, or by getting them from other states at lower costs, like from a truck driver friend. I think there will be a breaking point – the price will get so high that it will open up a huge black market, tax revenues will plummet, etc.

      And let’s face it – as much as the government carries on about cancer, death, etc., they won’t ban it outright. I believe they simply won’t give up the tax revenue. And if they did, what would they tax to bring in the same amount of money?

      1. 653-CXK*

        That’s exactly it…governments will not ban smoking because vice taxes (not just smoking, but gambling and alcohol) are much easier to collect and are much more profitable than income taxes – and they are very much regressive.

        Here in MA, we have a $3.51 excise tax on top of a 6.25% sales tax. For a $10 name-brand pack of cigarettes, 41% of the price is tax. For an $8.50 generic pack of cigarettes, it’s 56% of the price.

      2. tangerineRose*

        To be fair, I understand smoking is horribly addictive – maybe they don’t want to add nicotine to the war on drugs.

        I don’t smoke, never have, hate the smell. But I know a few ex-smokers who still sound wistful about smoking.

        1. TL -*

          I think it’s less that then how ingrained smoking is to the culture. Cultural norms play a huge role in what societies view as an appropriate risk.

        2. 653-CXK*

          My mother quit smoking 27 years ago – cigarette prices had gone up to $2 a pack (!) and she got fed up spending the money. She quit gradually with nicotine gum, but one time she was pissed off at my father and tried to light up – only to engage in a huge coughing fit.

        1. Rebecca*

          Philadelphia instituted a tax, I know as a shopper, if I wanted a 2 liter bottle of soda, and it cost roughly an extra 96 cents (1.5 cents per ounce), I’d just go outside the city limits and stock up when it was 99 cents on sale and take it home. As far as I know, it’s still in place.

    6. Asenath*

      I’ve read analyses about stuff like that – how some initiatives, which make perfect sense to the people proposing them, have no effect, or sometimes even an effect quite contrary to the intended ones. I think myself that although smoking rates are very low in my area of North America, the reason they’ve been dropping steadily through my lifetime is partly because of wider awareness of the health risks and very largely because smoking is no longer fashionable or even widely socially acceptable. The cost has had less effect – although if it gets high enough, it makes smuggling very profitable and commonplace. Many smokers now are poorer people, some of whom have mental issues such as anxiety which they use nicotine to deal with, and if they need the nicotine badly enough, they’ll manage to get it, and I can’t really blame them even if I celebrated more than most when I could go on public transportation without enduring the smell of cigarette smoke. It’s also hard to connect a particular outcome with a particular action – are, say, NZ smoking rates low because of the cost, the attitude towards smoking, health risks or something else? And if, as seems likely, a lot of factors come into play, how do you figure out which is the most influential?

      1. TL -*

        With smoking, it’s actually easier than most to connect public health initiatives to outcome. The outcome is fairly quick to happen (versus a chronic disease risk, which can take decades to manifest) and we have a very clear timeline of when smoking became known as unhealthy.

        We know, for instance, that the USA’s media campaigns against smoking have been successful and you can plot prices against smoking rates in countries that raise them significantly and get a good indication of impact.

        1. Asenath*

          But there are multiple causes of changing smoking rates. They’ve been decreasing for decades. It’s not really possible to say that a recent decrease is due to a recent initiative like price rises when it’s probably just a continuation of an existing decreased, caused by changes in fashion and awareness of health risks.

          1. TL -*

            Well, you look at changes that deviate from the norm – you’re looking more for a change in the degree of change. If things are decreasing steadily but then there’s a sudden drop, that usually indicates an outside factor and often that factor can be identified.

            You can also look at smaller groups exposed to a particular antismoking campaign and track them versus peers, compare states with different initiatives (states with higher cigarette taxes versus states without, for instance, especially since most major antismoking campaigns are national), and if you stratify and control for things like socioeconomic factors, you often end up with useful but not perfect data.

            1. Asenath*

              I just posted a second response – sorry about that, I thought the first hadn’t gone through.

              But in general there isn’t a sudden drop in smoking rates at the time higher prices were introduced to cut smoking!

              Sure, there are lots of ways to study the influence of various factors on smoking rates. Some of them can produce some useful data – although it’s remarkably difficult to do such studies well. I don’t know of any that actually prove that the recent initiatives such as raising prices, restricting display, controlling packaging etc. have decreased the smoking rate anywhere. I have seem claims that it does, but on closer examination, they don’t seem to take into account the fact that rates were declining long before such interventions, and didn’t suddenly decline more than would be expected if nothing had been done.

          2. Someone Else*

            At least here, the goal of the price increases is not specifically to reduce smoking rates. The goal is to increase public health. So the theory is (I’m oversimplifying) “Let’s add a special 60% tax to cigarettes and other tobacco products. Some people will be priced out of smoking and that is good for the public health. Others will gladly continue paying, regardless of cost. Now we’ve got more tax revenue to fund XYZ.”

            1. TL -*

              I’m not sure about where here is, but NZ’s stated purpose is to get the smoking rates under 5% and I think Australia’s goals are similar.

              1. Someone Else*

                Right, I understood that the original question was citing something in Aus and NZ. I was adding another data point for comparison (which is what I thought you were after?), that while NZ’s stated purpose is as you indicate, other countries/states/cities have instituted tobacco-specific taxes, but not with the same specific sort of goal in mind.

                I don’t know what studies NZ is using to back the outcome they’re anticipating, and it’s entirely possible the behavior in NZ in general is different enough that you could chose a policy, any policy, enact it in NZ and get a totally different outcome than in pick-a-US-city.

                My point was more that, according to the public policy analysts I know (which I realize isn’t a huge sample size), their expected outcome from taxing the crap out of cigarettes is a mix of behaviors. It is possible that it might eventually get priced so high nearly everyone will be priced out (and that’d still be considered a success), and it’s also possible very few would feel priced out and would thus pay the gigantic tax (and that would also be considered success), but what they’re really anticipating is something much more in the middle. They expect the threshold for price-alone causing people to drop out of the pool of smokers to be fairly high, and thus the strategy to get people to stop smoking isn’t as focused on price or packaging. The people whose primary job is reducing smoking rates are trying to convince people mostly before they’d reach the point of having the package in-hand. Once a consumer has got it in-hand, the price is going to be a larger factor than any health-related or emotional-pull to get them not to purchase. That’s the theory as I’ve heard it presented anyway.

        2. Asenath*

          Well, actually it isn’t easy to connect, say, price rises to smoking rates. There are a number of factors that affect smoking rates, and in the countries which have increased prices to reduce smoking, smoking rates have been declining for decades. It’s therefore impossible to say that the decrease in smoking since the price went up is caused by the price increase, since smoking was declining even before the new initiative was put into place, and there’s no reason to assume that its continued decline can be attributed to the price increase. It’s quite likely due to other factors that were already in play – I’d bet, personally, on education about the health risks and, probably more than anything, the increasing stigma.

          1. TL -*

            I don’t agree with planned price hike proposals – I think smaller price raises are reasonable but they reach a point of diminishing return and increased harm to vulnerable populations – however, there is plenty of evidence that increasing the price of cigarettes does lead to a drop in cigarette consumption unexplained by other factors.
            The WHO states that every 10% increase in price is responsible for a 4% decrease in smoking.

            The data is complicated, but there are ways to tease it out analyse it.

    7. CVS Warrior*

      Woah, woah, woah. Wait. I’ve never seen social stigma against smokers as a thing in America! Well, at least not in Wisconsin, Illinois, and Pennsylvania. Maybe it’s a coast thing? I live in Milwaukee, WI right now and whenever I mention that I can’t be around a smoker (serious health reason, I could legit end up in the ER) people literally tell me I’m being rude and that I don’t have to make them feel ashamed, I could just remove myself from the area without talking about it etc. Even when ME removing myself is meaning not being at work.

      1. Lady Jay*

        Really? I lived in the Midwest much of my life (Kansas and northeast Iowa) and would agree that there was a strong social stigma against smoking–not that we’d *say* anything publicly about it, but social spaces were constructed to prohibit and discourage smoking. “Smoking sections” of restaurants, for instance, went away in the early aughts where I lived, and even though smoking was technically permitted, I rarely encountered it. Now that I’ve moved to the Appalachian South, it’s much more common for me to run into smokers on public sidewalks, outside of grocery stories, etc.

        Now that I type all this out, it occurs to me that one reason the US may have lower smoking rates is quite simply that (in true American fashion) we legislate against it.

        1. KayEss*

          This. It’s less a social stigma in the sense of people shooting smokers dirty looks, and more that society has systematically removed places where it is acceptable to smoke. My local PARK is a labeled no-smoking zone, though I have no idea how that’s enforced. I’ve never smoked, but I assume it’s a lot harder to have as a casual habit when literally the only places you can do it are in your own home (and probably not most apartments) or car, or standing out on the street.

        1. OhNo*

          Agreed, although I’ll echo other below in saying that it does seem to be tied to class as well. The folks I know who work restaurant or manual labor jobs are more likely to smoke. It doesn’t seem to be as common among office workers.

          1. TL -*

            Fposte is right below – smoking rates rise as income drops. The restaurant industry definitely has higher smoking rates than average (as does the medical industry, though that’s changing due to hospital policies becoming more strict.)

          2. Auntie Social*

            We are a boutique law firm and were about to hire an associate who smoked. Partner said “Our clients don’t smoke. Rich people don’t smoke. Rich people see a smoker and assume you’re the kitchen staff. So when are you quitting??” He gulped and threw his Marlboros in the trash and said “today, sir!”

      3. Asenath*

        Maybe it is regional – or at least class based. In my area, in many social circles and workplaces, even the small number of people who do smoke tend to be very apologetic about it. And it’s become associated with the poor and possibly the working poor. I can remember when smoking was associated with fashion and sophistication – and even liberation for women, whose mothers generally didn’t smoke at all, since it was something respectable women simply didn’t do, like wearing slacks. The change in attitudes towards smoking and the groups in society who do it has changed dramatically – within my area, anyway – and the changes largely pre-dated changes in legislation, packaging and display regulations and some of the more drastic price increases, that is, the ones aimed at changing smokers’ behaviour rather than raising more tax revenue. We did have lots of educational initiatives – I can’t remember my high school classmates being much impressed by them since at the time they saw smoking as a sign of adulthood and sophistication. But by now, most of that generation, particularly the ones working at middle-class type jobs, have quit, and I think it’s largely because of the stigma. They don’t want to be seen as smelly, addicted, and poor.

        1. MattKnifeNinja*

          Smelly, addicted (mental health issues) and poor is what drives the no smoking attitude where I live. Except substitute “poor decision making skills” for poor.

          If you’re eye balling a C level job around here, you better not smoke or be overweight, and drink with extreme moderation.

          My BIL was with me at an municipal sponsored family event hosted by my city. He asked around if anyone had a light. People treated him like he ask if they had child porn on their phones he could view. Then people told him the whole outdoor event was smoke free. I got to hear him rant all evening about the quashing of personal freedoms for a legal substance.

      4. fposte*

        I’m in Illinois and in my circles you’d be the norm. Any smoker who did the defensive lashout would get “the hell? Get your butt outside” from the rest of the crowd.

        There’s a big class element here, too; smoking rates rise as income rates go down, and Milwaukee is traditionally a very blue-collar town. In my university regions, smoking doesn’t read well as a social behavior. Most smokers I’ve known either have quit or are trying.

      5. MattKnifeNinja*

        It’s the immediate area more what a chunk of the country that determines how people view smoking, I found.

        I live in Metro Detroit. It’s a huge social stigma for a woman, especially if you have kids to smoke.

        The higher the income, the more “WTH? I guess you don’t care about yourself or you kids.” OR it gets bundled into do you have a low level mental illness thing going on.

        “Buffy has to have a sparky treat because she can’t cope.” (eye roll)

        I literally know only one person who smokes. I don’t live a twig and wild berries life style.

        For people who would fit the demographics for this website (white collar, BA/BS degree and beyond), they don’t smoke around here in public. They don’t some at business parties. If they are smoking cigs, they are doing it on the real down low.

        The hospital I used to work at is a nicotine free work place. They hire no smokers. My current work place is nicotine free.

        Where my sister lives, it skews blue collar and alot less college educated. They smoke and really drink. If you have more than three drinks where I live, people are planning an intervention. My sister’s area, people wonder if you are in AA or sick.

        It’s probably the socioeconomic area you are in determines what peoples attitudes are about smoking. I have Christians, Muslims, Hindus, and Buddhists in my immediate area. Those houses of worship push hard on no alcohol/no smokes. I’m sure that contributes to the no smoking vibe.

      6. Kat in VA*

        Wow! If I found out me smoking could put you in the ER, I would remove myself immediately, make certain I am NEVER smoking around you, and take steps to mitigate the lingering second hand smoke/smell as much as I could!

        It’s my crappy habit and there’s no reason to make you endure it – and if you want to judge me for having a crappy habit, that’s totally your prerogative.

        A health reason to not be around smoke isn’t being “rude”, it’s something that you accommodate. :(

    8. foolofgrace*

      In Chicago proper, thanks to taxes the price of a pack of cigs is about $16.00 — considerably less in the suburbs that are in a different county, much like gasoline prices. And it’s been my experience that it is very much shamed in Chicago. I quit last Thanksgiving — I like smoking, couldn’t afford it, I was between those things we cannot name here — and vape instead, which is treated not quite as badly as smoking. But still can only vape where smoking is permitted.

      1. MassMatt*

        Vaping is a whole new and different trend and it’s difficult to tell who is vaping and what substance it is. Lots of kids do it in schools it’s much easier to get away with and they make devices that are tiny and easily concealed looking like thumb drives for example. Products don’t seem to be nearly as regulated or taxed as cigarettes and are definitely designed to appeal to children with candy and fruit flavors. Many if not most kids doing it seem to think it’s perfectly safe, sadly.

    9. Superman's Wife*

      I live in NYC and cigarettes are $15/pack and have been for some time. It hasn’t deterred people. You still see a lot of people smoking outside in the street (we’re not allowed to smoke indoors).

      1. TL -*

        Boston has more casual outdoor smokers than Texas but I think part of that is Boston has a higher rate of immigrants from countries where smoking is socially permissible and is a more walkable city than pretty much all of Texas.

        Both are still pretty low in terms of public smoking – and in Boston, a lot of smokers shame smoked hiding in an alley or corner outside, especially in the medical center.

    10. LCL*

      I loved the Witch Elm. And I love the protagonist. He seemed very real. I think a lot of readers are having trouble with this story because most of the characters come from a privileged background. The book does end on a melancholy note. If you are looking for a cheerful mystery story, stay away from this one.

    12. PurpleMonster*

      And hiking the tax has also led to an explosion in aggravated robbery of convenience stores (we call them dairies). Our local is now practically a prison, with automatic locks, because the owner got attacked with a machete a few months ago by some young thugs. They normally sell them on the black market. Dairy owners can’t stop selling them because it’s where most of their profit comes from – people grabbing a pack of smokes, and at the same time deciding to get some milk or chocolate or whatever.

      It’s a very big problem, but I don’t know how they can fix it. The last government should have thought it through.

      1. TL -*

        And since New Zealand’s smokers are disporportionately lower-income people and Maori – 35% of Maori adults smoke – the new prices are going to harshly impact the most vulnerable Kiwis.

        Australia’s laws will have a similar impact – nearly 40% of Aboriginals smoke.

        Both governments provide or cover smoking cessation help, but both Aboriginals and Maori are less likely to seek out health services in general or live in areas with less access to medical services. I don’t know if either government is addressing these concerns as part of their overall plan.

    13. Anon Anon Anon*

      Well, you all also have better tobacco. I didn’t get really hooked on smoking until I lived in Australia. American cigarettes are full of weird additives and even the higher end “natural” ones just don’t taste as good. Just not as fresh or something.

    14. KayEss*

      I think the US (or at least parts of it) has also spent several decades really trying to reduce the smoking adoption rate for youth, both through PSA-style “here’s what your lungs look like on cigarettes” health education and through elimination of media avenues that are able to promote smoking as “cool” to minors. Cigarette advertising is heavily restricted at this point, and there’s been a significant shift away from showing movie characters smoking. (Sometimes to the point of dissonance: I remember seeing “Hidden Figures” and thinking “so in real life, literally everyone in that calculation room would have been smoking non-stop, ESPECIALLY the guy ostentatiously chewing gum.” It’s supposed to be the 1960s, and there isn’t a cigarette in sight for the entire movie.)

      I read recently that a new study has shown that kids in the US are now most likely to have their first illicit drug experience be with marijuana, rather than cigarettes or even alcohol. Cigarette use will probably continue to trend downwards in areas where it’s already down, because kids aren’t being exposed to it. (Communities where there’s still a lot of smoking are trickier, since kids will pick it up from parents/relatives.)

      1. TL -*

        New Zealand’s anti-advertising laws are stricter than the US’s – they have plain packaging laws, so all their cigarette packages have are a large yellow warning, an image of a body part damaged by smoking, and the brand name in small, standardized font. Australia’s are very similar. I’m not sure either country allows tobacco countries to advertise.

        I don’t know if they’ve done the massive media campaigns like the USA has done (and continues to do – the most recent one I can remember was shown as a preview for movies and it was brutal.)

        1. KayEss*

          I don’t know that I’d expect plain packaging to have a huge effect… it seems to me like something that is combating the issue at too late of a point in the process? I don’t know if cigarettes are sold differently in NZ but most times I’ve happened to see someone buying them, you don’t even see the pack until they’ve asked the clerk for it. It may be targeted more at preventing kids from taking up smoking when someone in their family smokes and therefore has packs lying around the house, but at that point you’re fighting an uphill battle against cultural/environmental pressures. I’m curious as to what the studied effects are, in terms of whether it’s reduced smoking adoption rates for children with a parent who smokes.

          But mostly I agree with what a lot of other people are saying that yeah, it’s very class- and regional culture-based in the US. Even when I was a kid, before indoor smoking was all but eliminated, the impression I got from my parents/family was that smoking was a “dirty” habit, smelly and reckless. My family was very well-off, living in a well-off white-collar suburb, and smoking was just something that “we” didn’t do (no one in my extended family or my friends’ immediate families smoked). It’s a social nuance development that’s probably pretty difficult to artificially trigger in a different national culture.

          1. PurpleMonster*

            No, in NZ they have to be stored in a plain cabinet behind a counter. No advertising allowed and R18 purchase.

  10. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Writing thread!
    How did NaNoWriMo go for the participants?
    And for the others: do you ever just write something and then wish you could draw it because it sounds so cool-looking in your head?

    1. Thanks For Nothing*

      Preface by saying I’m a NaNoRebel – I write scripts, not novels.

      November went very well for me.

      Goal 1) Finish a specific project that had been hanging out in my files for well over two years. Checked that off in the first 5 days!
      Goal 2) Develop a short one act I wrote last spring into a full length script. Got the first act done and a solid outline for the second act.
      Goal 3) Try something new. Did research on a particularly dramatic historical event, wrote about 20 pages towards that end and have an outline for the rest of that script.

      We have a pay by the minute coffee shop in town that ran a NaNoWriMo special where, if we came in and wrote for 30 minutes 6 days in a row, we’d get a free day. Earned two of those free days, baby.

      1. RemingtonTypeType*

        Pay by the minute? Like an Internet cafe, or like pay-for-each-minute-you-sit-in-the-chair? I’m curious.

        1. Thanks For Nothing*

          The nice ladies at the front desk start a timer on your name when you walk in. You get all the coffee/tea/snacks/wifi/games/books/etc you want while you’re there, and pay for your time when you leave. An hour is charged at a rate equivilant to buying a medium size coffee and snack at any of the nicer coffee shops in town.

          It’s helped me learn to think about my **time** being valuable.

    2. Nynaeve*

      I was also a Nano Rebel and just did a bunch of vignettes to try to get back in the writing habit. I got less than 17,000 words, but on the upside, I also wrote every single day of the month! I’ve never managed to do that before, so I was proud of myself.

    3. Just A Little TeaPot, With Soda*

      It went great! I finished with my wordiest year, 178k. That doubled my last year’s Nanowrimo. I have two books to publish and edit. I’m excited.

    4. Elizabeth West*

      YES
      I want to draw my characters, maps, settings, etc. I need to get back on the drawing lessons (I was teaching myself from a book but it fell by the wayside with other happenings).

      I finished with more than 50K words, but I’m not done yet. Hoping to be done by Christmas at the latest.

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        THIS! THISTHISTHISTHIS!
        Also I have a character who draws and I kinda wish I could draw the things he draws. Sadly, my skills are about up to par with a four-year-old and I honestly don’t enjoy drawing enough to practice and become better (at the moment, at least). So…I’ll just stick to describing it, I guess.
        I really need to get off my lazy butt and get more serious about drawing as well.

      2. Dr. Glowcat Twinklepuff*

        I DO draw my characters, settings, maps, fantastic beasts….. high five to you!

    5. Snow Drift*

      I did not come close to making word count, but I finished a short poem. I’m calling a completed work a success, despite it not meeting the formal criteria.

    6. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      I don’t believe in NaNoWriMo, to be honest, but I wrote about 20,000 words in November and my latest project is shaping up fairly well. So I’m happy.

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        Tbh I’m not a fan either, but whatever floats your boat and gets you doing something you love is okay in my book.

      2. Thanks For Nothing*

        I’m not a gigantic fan of the concept. I’m not convinced that quantity of words is more valuable than quality but I fully confess to taking advantage of “everyone” writing to find other writers in my community, and take advantage of “lab” hours at the library, the special running at the coffee shop, and so on.

    7. LizB*

      I won NaNo this year! And my draft actually isn’t all the way finished, I still have some fun climactic stuff to write, so I’ll get to keep going.

      Yes, definitely. Also I had an idea that I think would make a better graphic novel/webcomic than plain old story. I keep trying to convince my sister the artist to work with me on it but so far no dice.

    8. Dr. Glowcat Twinklepuff*

      I’m not sure if I know what NaNoWriMo, but I’m figuring it out from the context… well, this month mine went awful :c too many things to do, and brain that feels like mashed horseradish: useless and disgusting.

  11. DanaScully*

    How can I deal with that one friend who lets other people buy them drinks, but manages to never buy anybody else one?

    I’m not sure how it works in other places, but where I live it’s customary to buy drinks in “rounds”. That is, we all take turns buying drinks within a group. It works well on the most part providing people acknowledge when it’s their round and go to the bar.

    Unfortunately there is one person in the group, Geoff, who always manages to get out of buying the drinks when it’s his turn. He will suddenly claim to feel unwell and will leave or will disappear to somewhere else in the venue, only reappearing when someone else has been to the bar and replenished the drinks for the group.

    I wondered whether this could be a financial issues thing, but I think it might just be an issue with social cues/him being a tightwad.

    I (and others) have bought him countless drinks over the years but have not once had a drink from Geoff in return. I don’t give to receive but it’s starting to wear thin now.

    If Geoff ducked out of being in the round in the first place and said he would get his own drinks then that would be fine, but to accept around five drinks on average and then not reciprocate is total arsehole behaviour to me.

    Does anyone have any advice on how I can deal with this? I see a few options:

    1. Stop including Geoff in the round altogether. Allow him to buy his own drinks.

    2. Include Geoff in the round but speak up when he tries to cry off and tell him it’s his round (difficult if he says he’s feeling “unwell” and leaves).

    3. Speak to Geoff privately in a different setting and ask what’s up with him not participating in the rounds when it’s his turn.

    4. Something else?

    Thanks for any replies.

    1. Shaze*

      I’d start with 3 but approach it as though he isn’t doing this intentionally (although he probably is). Not sure of the verbiage, but I’m sure someone else will chime in on this!! If you do 3 and that doesn’t work then I’d go with 2 and then 1, in that order.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Yeah, start with 3 and proffer the fig leaf of “My heavens I never noticed that I do that, it sure is unintentional and a coincidence.” I would wager he has been figuring it’s a little life hack he does to save money that no one even notices.

      2. zyx*

        I agree with taking approach #3 to start, especially if you think there’s a chance Geoff might have some financial difficulties. When I was younger, there were times when I wanted to see my friends for drinks and could afford *one* drink at the place we were meeting. Luckily my friend group doesn’t do rounds, because I definitely could not have afforded a drink for each of us.

        The culture of buying rounds has some lovely things about it—it feels good to be included in the group. I can see how it might feel awkward or unfriendly to remove oneself from the group that way, plus a lot of people feel shame about not being able to afford things. Those two things together can make it hard to speak up.

        It’s not okay for Geoff to continue to freeload, but there might be more going on than him just being a jerk.

        1. TootsNYC*

          yeah, but if you can’t afford to buy a round, you don’t accept multiple drinks from everyone else. You say, “No, I’m good, thanks,” and you just don’t drink as much.

    2. Jack Be Nimble*

      What if you suggest that he buys the first or second round?

      I think it’s worth speaking to him privately and asking if there’s a reason that he isn’t able to contribute to the drinks-buying. The suggestion of asking rather than accusing is a good one, you don’t want him to get immediately defensive (although he might end up there, anyway).

      I’d also be asking myself whether I thought his company was worth the aggravation of always being the one to buy drinks. It might be be better to find non-drinking activities to do with him, or just to phase out the friendship entirely.

      1. Anonymous Educator*

        I would second speaking to him privately about it. Do you know what his financial situation is? He could be a horrible moocher, but it’s also possible that he’s in ridiculous amounts of debt and still wants to hang with friends but honestly can’t afford to buy rounds of drinks for people but feels ashamed to admit it?

          1. Anonymous Educator*

            I’m not saying he’s doing the right thing by not paying. I’m just saying he may not be as callously freeloading as may first appears. Talking to him privately, you may find out what’s going on instead of just assuming.

    3. Lizabeth*

      If you really want to know …#3 but don’t be surprised if he gaslights about it, given his behavior. The easy way is for everybody to buy their own drinks, no rounds. My uncle did a variation of this going out to dinner with the parents. He’d order up extras then want to just split the check evenly when it came. Dad always said separate checks after the first time and didn’t say anything else. And the amount of extras went down after that…

      1. valentine*

        They shouldn’t have to stop rounds just to avoid this missing stair.

        3, then 4: Discuss with group whether to not offer to buy for Geoff or whether to accept that this is a literal price of his company.

    4. Falling Diphthong*

      I don’t give to receive but it’s starting to wear thin now.

      This is one of those inherent human things–bean counting is exhausting but we do notice and resent when the balance of favors shifts heavily one-way only because one person always dodges when they could pour back into the communal pot of mutual aid.

    5. Grapey*

      3, but he knows what he’s doing. Have your other regular round buyers noticed this too? Like some of Alison’s advice, you could push back as a group and say “Hey Geoff, I think you’re due to buy the first round.” and make sure nobody else offers until he does.

      1. Jessi*

        This! “Hey Geoff, you didn’t buy a round last time its your turn today!” said in a very friendly manner and then just wait the awkward out.

    6. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      If everyone is equally annoyed, you could just have a group convo to get rid of the buying rounds. Honestly, if it’s a big group, rounds get hard to carry/deal with and it’s a lot of drinks. If I accepted 5 drinks in one night, I would be sick too – puking or passed out.

      If it’s at a bar where you walk up, just let everyone get their own drinks. In addition to avoiding the freeloaders, people who don’t want to drink that much can sip their drink instead of being pressured by a new round appearing.

      I wouldn’t have a Big Deal convo with Geoff about it but that’s just me. Likely he’s just cheap.

      I had this problem in grad school with group checks being shorted – people would get a burger and 2 beers then throw in cash only for the burger and leave. It got annoying. I just started getting my own check. Though mostly the problem goes away as people get older and big drinking gatherings happen less.

      1. Ali G*

        Yeah I would just start buying my own drinks, and encourage others to do so. You can say something like “It seems we all tend to come/leave at different times, so it’s easier if we just do our own thing.” If some people keep buying rounds, it will be more obvious with a smaller group that Geoff isn’t contributing.

      2. DCR*

        I agree with this approach. My friends and I don’t do rounds because 1) we generally arrive and leave at different times, 2) we don’t all have the same number, and 3) we drink different things, which vary in price.

        If someone’s going to bar, a friend me ask them to pick up a drink. But then the receiver either gets the next for that person or gives them cash/venmo

    7. SignalLost*

      Straight to number 1 for me. The next stop is to cease socializing with him altogether. The round is a whole thing, and freeloading off of it for as long as it sounds like this has been going on is ridiculous.

      Or make him buy the first round and if he refuses, straight to number 1.

    8. Shelby Johnston*

      Ugh, what a freeloader. Why are you guys still including him in the round of drinks you buy after he disappears? Anyway, I think you sh say something to him because his bad behavior needs to be pointed out and maybe hell feel some shame. And then I’d probably do what others have suggested and stop buying rounds and let everyone buy their own drinks. I don’t understand why you’ve let this jerk get away with this for years??

    10. Not A Manager*

      If the cultural expectation is that people buy in rounds, it will be very hard to change that for your group. I think the easiest thing is if a few of you agree that, first round, you’re just going to cheerfully tell Geoff that it’s his turn. Sometimes these things are easiest if you state them plainly but jokingly – “Hey Geoff, first round’s on you!” “Geoff, you get this one, I think you’re behind!” The key is not to sound annoyed, but like you think it’s mildly funny and this will clear everything up.

      If he complains or demurs, you can speak the truth but in a kind and cheerful way. “No, you need to get the first round, because goodness knows where you’ll be when your turn rolls around later.”

      I like this approach because it shouldn’t shame Geoff if he’s willing to play along with it. It tells him that all will be well if he just buys some rounds. But if he gets angry or stubborn, I would take him aside right then and say, “Dude, no one wants to make you feel bad, but you need to participate fairly. Buy a round when it’s your turn, or don’t drink when other people are buying.”

      While talking behind someone’s back feels a bit icky, I would coordinate this approach with a few other people. If most people are very conflict-averse and you just institute this on your own, you could be left with no support and other people insisting that it’s FINE to buy rounds for Geoff.

      1. Qosanchia*

        I second this advice. I’ll note that I’m not from a culture that shouts drinks or stands rounds, but my understanding from observing culture commentators is that this is exactly the right way to go about it, assuming you don’t want to simply drop Geoff from the group.
        It’s possible that there is some underlying reason why Geoff can’t buy, but approaching it with the jocular attitude you propose will give everyone the opportunity to avoid being too confrontational or accusative.

    11. SemiRetired*

      Perhaps stop drinking so much? I don’t know how many friends are involved and how many rounds, but from my old person perspective, I don’t know any grown adult who regularly drinks more than one or two drinks, except alcoholics. Either all your friends are alcoholics, or you’re all still young and in that teenage drink-til-you-can’t-anymore stage.
      I guess I would pick 3 – speak to Geoff – or otherwise limit yourself to one drink and buy it yourself, opting out of the “rounds” method with the explanation that you are trying to cut back.

      1. Bhean Sidhe*

        Wow. They didn’t ask for advice on their drinking habit. Or for your judgmental old person nonsense, frankly!

        If you don’t know any adults who have more than two drinks on a night out, that’s just your experience. It’s certainly not universal – I’m 42, and all my friend will have five or six drinks on a might out, easy, and none of us are alcoholics. It doesn’t make them alcoholics, either.

        If you don’t have advice on the actual question, maybe you don’t need to post at all.

        1. SemiRetired*

          I did have advice on the question – I went with #3 of the choices listed – and I also suggested another option, i.e., opting out of the whole thing. I mentioned my “old person” perspective because it might mean that my advice wouldn’t be useful or relevant. However, I stand by my judgment that regularly drinking 5-6 drinks a night is unhealthy, wherever and whatever culture you may be in, and could very well be a sign of a drinking problem. (Part of my perspective is that at my age, a “night out” is likely from 8-10 or so, whereas a younger person (or older person with more stamina) might be out from 5-midnight… 7 drinks in 7 hours is not too much, unless done frequently. 7 drinks in 2 hours amounts to an excessively drunk person.) Again, my experience is that no one that I know who is not an alcoholic drinks that much regularly. So that’s my advice to get out of this “buying rounds” situation – just don’t drink that much, opt out of the rounds buying, and then this is no longer a problem for you.
          I posted to offer another option besides the ones listed. I generally don’t post unless I have something to add that wasn’t already mentioned. I’m sorry about appearing judgmental – adults can certainly make whatever choices they like around alcohol – but if a person is regularly drinking that much, this is probably not the first or last time someone might suggest that person may have a drinking problem. I have no stake in whether this OP or their friends do – but if someone is prompted to stop and consider it, I will accept the condemnation of being considered judgmental. Sometimes when you’re in a situation in which unhealthy habits are seen as normal or even good, it can help to have someone outside the situation mention how toxic it really is.

          1. Alice*

            You’re assuming the rounds are all being bought and drunk during the same night. Did it say that in the post? In my circles it’s perfectly acceptable for the rounds to even out long term.

      2. OhNo*

        Well that’s jumping straight into some judgement that has no place here. How about we just assume that DanaScully is an adult who knows their own limits?

        By the way, drinking culture is different all around the world. Only one or two drinks may seem the norm for your crowd in your region, but it would be very odd in other places, or with other groups.

        1. ..Kat..*

          I am assuming that SemiRetired is simply explaining his demographic – and therefore why he does not have a Geoff problem. I am not getting a shame vibe.

      3. Trouble*

        Wow! That’s pretty judgy on the basis of the information the poster gave us.

        I often drink several pints of cider or glasses of wine on a night out, depending on who I’m out with. Over a night of 7pm until 2am five drinks isn’t that many. If they’re out for a longer period on a ‘night out’ then this seems pretty average to me. It’s not indicated they all tossed down five drinks in an hour!

        And the whole rounds thing is pretty normal in the UK and I’m sure some other places. Most people who weren’t going to buy a drink for everyone in return would count themselves out of the round, it’s pretty easy. When asked what you want, you say ‘oh no thanks, I’m going home early tonight so I’ll just get my own.’ Or if you’re close enough with the people ‘oh, I can’t afford to buy rounds this month so I’ll just sort myself out tonight.’

        Adults get to decide how many drinks they can handle. I have had three medium large glasses of wine tonight sat at home with my husband and I don’t even feel tipsy never mind intoxicated. Clearly my tolerance is different from yours and that’s ok. And no, I’m not an alcoholic as I don’t need alcohol to function all day nor do I crave drinks. I just enjoy a few when I want to. I am also long since passed my teenage drink til I’m drunk years.

    12. Beatrice*

      I did this for a while with my drinking group, and I have always wondered if anyone noticed or cares. In my case, I work with everyone in the group, they were literally all senior to me at the time, and it was always one or two drinks, not five. I would show up for after-work drinks, someone would buy me one as soon as I walked in, and I would nurse that one until it was time to go, or accept a second if someone offered to buy me one. It wasn’t about not wanting to spend my money, it was more about not wanting to drink more than one or two, a little bit of social awkwardness, and not being sure if it was okay/normal to buy drinks for people senior to me at work. (I’ve been promoted now and I’m equal to some of them, and I’ve switched to grabbing a drink from the bar before I join them. I’ve tried buying a couple of times…one time no one wanted anything and I pushed too hard and it was awkward, and another time I misheard and accidentally ordered someone the wrong drink and she couldn’t drink what I got her. Just remembering makes me anxious. If they weren’t such awesome people and I didn’t enjoy their company so much, I would have stopped trying to socialize in shame long ago.)

    13. LilySparrow*

      Tell Geoff it’s his turn to go first next time.

      Reciprocity and turn-taking are the basis of all human society. Squirrelling out of your turn repeatedly is being a mooch.

      His response will tell you if you want to keep socializing with him or not.

      Financial issues or not wanting to drink much are absolutely no excuse for mooching off others without reciprocation.

      If he’s old enough to drink, then he’s old enough to use his words. Or decline to go out when he can’t afford it.

      Or offer to reciprocate in some other way, like inviting people over for coffee or making them a dinner at home. You can make a vat of spaghetti marinara for way less than the cost of a round of drinks, but the social value of personal hospitality is much higher.

    14. Paris-Berlin-Seoul Express*

      Always make him buy the first round. He might disappear at that point which will save everyone from paying for his drinks the rest of the evening.

      1. T. Boone Pickens*

        Yeah, I’m always making Geoff buy the first round from here on out. Or, when it’s time to order another round I’m asking Geoff to give me a hand at the bar and then telling the bartender that Geoff has got this round while patting Geoff on the back thanking him for grabbing the round. I would make sure to let the group know that Geoff picked up the round so he could be thanked appropriately. If it’s a scenario where you have a dedicated cocktail server/waitress I’d point to Geoff and tell he/she that Geoff has got this round.

        I’m not a fan of freeloaders/moochers so unless Geoff provided some other form of social currency to my group, I’d be looking for him to start picking up the slack ASAP.

    15. DanaScully*

      Thanks so much to everyone who took the time to reply to my quandary. There are so many useful suggestions which I really appreciate.

      A few clarifications:
      1. Geoff is overall a pretty good guy, and a good friend on the most part. This isn’t something I would end our friendship over as although it’s annoying that he does this, it’s not a friendship “hill to die on” for me. I would rather try to address it with him than cut him out of my life completely.

      2. The rest of the friend group are aware of Geoff’s ducking and diving when it comes to buying drinks. Last time we were out, we did smaller rounds in pairs which worked well. Geoff arrived later and went to the bar and bought his own drink, then left once he had finished it. I’m not sure if this was because it was clear we wouldn’t be buying his drinks that night or for another reason.

      3. I accept that we’re not all in the same financial boat which is why I mentioned it in my OP. Geoff has never mentioned struggling financially, but I agree with the replies which said that Geoff shouldn’t partake in the rounds if he can’t afford to reciprocate.

      4. With regards to the comment which queried whether I’m an alcoholic: thank you, I needed a laugh today! Drinking culture is different all over the world and I try not to judge the choices of other consenting adults – particularly people I don’t know. I’m not dependent on alcohol, nor are my friends, and we are all responsible adults aged 30-50 in professional roles. I also didn’t state that these were all alcoholic drinks, for the record! :)

      Thanks again, I’ll take all of your comments on board for the next time Geoff and I meet.

  12. Jack Be Nimble*

    A good friend of mine is considering breaking up with their terrible, freeloading boyfriend and I’m crossing all my fingers and toes that they do it.

    Said boyfriend puts them down in front of other people to make himself look better, told them he expects them to financially support him (because he grew up in a single income household and expects it) gave some of their things away without asking, doesn’t do chores ever, and mentioned in passing recently that he doesn’t know anything about them because they “never talk about themself.” (They do, he just doesn’t listen.)

    He’s the worst, and our entire friend group is holding their breath, hoping he gets dumped.

    1. Thursday Next*

      Boyfriend sounds terrible, and I hope Friend goes through with the breakup. It’s hard to be a bystander to such a lopsided relationship.

    2. WellRed*

      You would think someone who grew ip in a single income household would understand the value of work. Please update us on how the dumping goes.

      1. The Original K.*

        My friend dated a guy who grew up in poverty (he experienced homelessness) and as a result, he thought poverty was noble and refused to work on principle. Thank God he’s out of her life. That was just the tip of the iceberg.

    3. Anon101*

      Do we have the same friend?! My best friend is also in a long drawn out process of breaking up with her boyfriend. This guy’s MO is to constantly insult her & continually trying to “open up their relationship”, amongst other manipulations. Here’s hoping it sticks for both of our friends; I’ll cross some fingers for you.

  13. Loopy*

    Has anyone else found a hobby they have dabbled in for years suddenly is so much more appealing and they get really into it? I’ve a self proclaimed dabbler and have never found my one Thing. For years it made me sad that I was never driven to stick with anything but I came to peace with it. But lately, I’ve been naturally getting really, REALLY into baking. I follow bakers, I watch baking shows, I research techniques, I plan bakes, all I want to do is BAKE.

    I’ve always liked baking very casually but have never gotten into it this much, not even close.It’s absolutely wonderful and has brought so much excitement into my life but I’m also kind of wondering if it’ll naturally stay this (effortlessly!) engaging and fulfilling. I’m really feeling motivated to take it to the next level and am baking a three tier gingerbread cake with cream cheese frosting this weekend and am super excited to try out chocolate work for the decorations. This is an example of something I never would have done years ago: I researched all about cream cheese frosting and found a version that “crusts” or hardens so you can get closer to the smooth look of a buttercream. Apparently most hate it because it makes decorating hard (I found many a post from panicked people who realized this late into the night when they had a cake for an event the next day). So I looked up a hybrid cream cheese buttercream that had decent reviews for being smoothable. It didn’t feel like a chore at all and I’m hoping the footwork pays off.

    I also made a baking Instagram to see my progress over the next month and beyond (I have about 4 different bakes I’m aiming for this month and a few things I’ve done recently up). If anyone actually wants to see what I’ve been up to (it’s only a few things up so far), let me know and I’ll share it (and feel free to follow, it’ll only be baking, nothing personal).

    1. Nicole76*

      That’s great that you found something that makes you so happy! I enjoy baking as well but only do it around the holidays lest I eat my creations (trying to cut back on sugar). :(

      That being said, I would love to follow your Instagram!

      1. Loopy*

        I’m worried about eating my creations too! Hoping I can have the willpower to gift them away! I can’t not eat it if it’s in my house so that something I need to make sure happens!

        I’m @thedoughboydaughter :) Should be about four posts there.

      1. Loopy*

        It’s like this magical gift of interest and inspiration and motivation, isn’t it? I feel that way anyway (it might be a bit over the top description after years of wondering how other people loved things SO MUCH for so long and got so into/good at them and I just…didn’t).

    3. Tau*

      It’s great that you found something that gives you enjoyment!

      I possibly have an unusual perspective on this… my interest patterns work such that I get super into a certain thing to the point of outright obsession, it stays at that level for a few weeks then dies down slowly over the course of the next few months, eventually my brain finds something else to latch onto, rinse and repeat. This is almost certainly because I’m autistic as intense/obsessive interests are an autistic thing, although I generally hear of them sticking around for a little longer. Anyway, I went through so much angst thanks to the ever-changing interests when I was younger and would try to fight off new interests and keep hold of old ones (which was always painful and always unsuccessful). These days, I try to simply take my interests as they come, enjoy picking up new skills and exploring new activities, and gracefully let go once it’s over.

      Which is to say that from my perspective, I wouldn’t worry too much about “is this a long-term interest? what if it fades?”: it will or it won’t and chances are there’s little you can do to influence that, but worrying about it may cast a shadow over your enjoyment. Live in the moment and enjoy your hobby while it lasts! And even if the intense interest does fade, you’ll likely still be able to benefit from the skills you learned from it later – like, my interest in chocolate-making is now quite a few years in the past, but I can still whip up some truffles or filled chocolates as a cool gift for someone if an occasion arises.

      1. Qosanchia*

        I’m finally getting to this point with my own interests. I’ve always been a dabbler, and like you mention, had (and still have) a fair amount of harsh feelings about how flighty I am with my enthusiasm. I really like your framing, and I’ll try to take it to heart!

      2. Loopy*

        This is helpful! I don’t think I have the exact same experience but I have had the trying to force myself to stick to something part. I do still struggle a little with wanting things to stick and need to keep this in mind. I said I came to terms with being a dabbler, but that’s probably denial!

    4. ThatGirl*

      I don’t know where you live but I work for a well known baking and decorating supply and education company, you should consider a fun class or two! We also have a ton of tutorials. Have fun!!

      1. Loopy*

        I definitely looked up classes! Sadly the local community college had a weird spread out schedule for non-credit courses. There’s a bootcamp I’m considering but it’s not until June!

    5. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      Wonderful. And enjoy for as long as you love it! You don’t have to have a lifetime “thing” – just some “thing” you truly love “right now” and for as long as you want. It sounds like you found that. So don’t look back on all the other “sorta things” – but live mindfully in the bliss of this great thing for right now. And don’t look forward to when it might not be your thing any longer. Who knows, might never happen – or you might find you bridge into something else.
      Just great joy that you have it now and are obviously GREAT at it. (Beautiful pictures – and I’ll bet they are as yummy as they look)

      1. Loopy*

        Ahhhh I so WANT to have this mindset. I used to struggle more util a few people who were *those* people, who had their Absolute Thing even burned out and switched to other hobbies. It gave much needed perspective. I still like the idea of being really good at something though.

    6. LilySparrow*

      I have several loves that I cycle through, seasonally or for a few months or years at a time. I think that’s normal, but people are just on different rhythms.

      1. Loopy*

        I think I may be falling into cycling rather than dabbling now that you put it that way. I’ll be super into reading for a while, then fall off for months at a time. This is an interesting way to reevaluate it!

      2. Blue_eyes*

        This. I’ve been knitting for 20-ish years (and I’m only in my early 30s!) and crocheting for about 10 years and it definitely comes and goes in cycles. There was a year or two recently where I didn’t do any knitting or crocheting really, and now I’m excited about it again and have two different projects I’m working on. I also bake, and I’m learning calligraphy and those things go in waves too.

        Hobbies should be enjoyable and it’s fine to “follow the psych” aka, do whatever is inspiring to you right now and not worry about it when you’re feeling it.

    7. rogue axolotl*

      Sounds great! I have a few hobbies and usually tend to latch onto one for a while, then switch to another. Right now I’m really into improving my craft fair game. Usually it helps if I have a kind of project or outlet to focus on–I don’t usually make things just for the sake of making them. My baking output is low at the moment because I don’t have anyone to eat the baked goods. I used to bring them into the office mostly.

      1. Loopy*

        I guess more people do this than I realized! I didn’t expect so many people to say they do it too!

    8. Ginger Sheep*

      Hi! I’ve recently had a very similar experience: I’ve always kind of liked to bake, and I’ve dabbled in many artistic-craftsy types of things over the years, but with nothing ever sticking or becoming a real hobby. Last year around Christmastime, I accidentally discovered cookie decorating, and I fell for it head over heels. Like you describe, I have spent the last year thinking cookies, researching cookies, planning cookies, decorating cookies and dreaming of cookies. I never thought I would keep that level of interest for a full year, but it happened. I really don’t know how long I’ll continue (I feel like I’m the only person in my country with this hobby so it feels a bit lonely sometimes), but as of now, I’m still 100% in. I even registered for an international cookie convention in the US – it’ll be my first transatlantic flight as an adult, will cost me over a month of salary for four days, and I’m still doing it – because this is what I actually want. I sometimes really feel like an addict (and my cookie obsession does have a minor impact on my work – I no longer work at home nights and weekends because I have cookies to do!), but I figure there are worse things to be addicted to.
      I’ll follow you on Instagram, and if you want, you can have a look at my account as well: @le_bois_mesle !
      And by the way, I really want to thank here the many wonderful commenters of this blog who follow me on Instagram for their likes and their encouragements – I really appreciate it, you folks are great!

  14. Dragonfly*

    How about arranging it with everyone else in the group beforehand to let Geoff get the first round? And if he demurs just say it is a group decision, taken to ensure he does the decent thing and make up for the time before when he took ill.

    1. Auntie Social*

      Yeah, wouldn’t it be great to hear six people say in unison, “The first round is on GEOFF!!!”

      1. valentine*

        No. Don’t gang up on him. He’s your friend, after all.

        And he can just claim illness and leave again, leaving at least some people feeling bad.

  15. Lcsa99*

    So the english language has a lot of sayings that when you think about them too hard, they actually don’t make sense. Like “under the weather.” That was used in a post earlier this week, and of course we know what it means, but when you think about it, aren’t we all technically under the weather? I mean, it comes from the sky, which is above us, so we’re all actually under it.

    And “happy as a clam”. How can you tell a clam is happy or sad? They don’t have faces, so they can’t smile. Do they actually have emotions? How would a sad clam look different from the average happy clam?

    So what are some other sayings that don’t actually make sense?

    1. Cruciatus*

      I think a lot of phrases we have in English made more sense once upon a time, but over time we have lost the connection. I think the “happy as a clam” phrase actually has more to it–“happy as a clam at high water”. It’s still a weird saying, but it makes a little more sense. I looked up “under the weather” and it has nautical roots. When a sailor was feeling seasick he’d go below deck to get away from the weather.

      But I bet the list of English sayings that make no sense will still be a big one!

      1. NiceOrc*

        Yes, bits of the original full phrase get lost so we are left with a snappy but nonsensical saying! My (now ex-)husband says “You’d complain if I pissed on you” to which the only answer is well, yes, of course I would! But the full phrase is apparently “You’d complain if you were on fire and I pissed on you to put it out.” Which makes a bit more sense (but is still aggravating!)

    2. Foreign Octopus*

      The straw that broke the camel’s back = we all know what it means but a straw can’t break a camel’s back so it’s an odd saying, definitely.

      Tonsil tennis has just come to mind as well.

      1. Cruciatus*

        Tonsil tennis for sure–ick. But it’s not that there’s only one straw that breaks the camel’s back, it’s that adding one more piece becomes too much–I’ve always assumed there are already a lot of straws and the camel could just not handle one more on his back.

      3. Bagpuss*

        I think the long version of that one is “It’s the last straw that breaks the camel’s back”, which does make sense.- adding even a small extra weight to an already overloaded animal my cause it to collapse..

      4. Anon Anon Anon*

        If you’re loading straw onto a camel’s back one straw at a time, without regard for the safety of the camel, eventually, there will be one straw that causes its back to break. Awful to think about, but I think that’s the idea behind the expression.

      5. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Grammarist refers to it as a proverb, and there was a precursor “the feather that broke the horse’s back.”
        To me it seems situationally related to the “frog in slowly heating water” image.

    3. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      “A stitch in time saves nine.” What? How do you stitch time? That sounds like something out of either a Doctor Who episode or a David Bowie song.

      “A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.” EWW. I don’t want a bird… doing its business in my hand. I’d MUCH rather admire the birds from a distance in their bushes.

      1. Inge*

        How did you get pooping from ‘a bird in the hand’? I always figured it was a dead bird you could eventually eat instead of two birds you hadn’t caught yet.

        1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

          I have incredibly bad luck with birds. Every time I see one, I end up with bird do all over me. It’s kind of uncanny.

          1. acmx*

            When a bird crapped on me, I was told it meant good luck. So, you should be incredibly lucky. Do you feel lucky? (I refrained from adding ‘punk’).

            On topic: neck of the woods.
            I was going to add head over heels and saw fposte addressed it.

      2. Ainomiaka*

        The stitch in time thing isn’t about stitching time, but early enough- like “just in the nick of time.” Jobs get bigger if you delay.

      3. ElspethGC*

        “A stitch in time saves nine” is saying that if you fix things as soon as you notice they’re breaking (aka in time) it saves time in the long run when you’d have to spend much more time fixing it. See also: going to the doctor as soon as you notice something rather than leaving it so long it’s harder to treat.

        1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

          I know what the expression means, but the way it’s worded is awkward. But now that I read your reading of it, I’m realizing now that I’ve literally heard the saying wrong my entire life.

          1. Qosanchia*

            It’s definitely a weird construction, it relies pretty heavily on assumed words. “A [single] stitch [added] in time [i.e. before something bad happens] saves [you from adding] nine [after the bad thing happens].”

            As someone who enjoys getting super literal at inappropriate moments, I’ve always enjoyed squaring that one with “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.” So are preventative measures 1:16 with restorative measures, or are they 1:9? And anyway, I thought it was “better to ask forgiveness than seek permission?”

            Aphorisms. Can’t live with ’em, can’t live without ’em.

            1. SignalLost*

              Neither, really, as ounce and pound are dry measures and stitches are length measures. Plus, stitches for small repairs are often artisanal and there is no federal standard for stitch length under artisanal conditions, so it’s a variable distance measure to boot. You would have to convert using hogsheads per maid x 9/5.

      4. JanetM*

        “A stitch in time saves nine.” — I think (but could be wrong; I didn’t look it up) that “in time” here sort of means “at the appropriate time,” as in, “I thought we were running late but we still arrived in time to see Santa before he left the mall.”

        So the phrase would be suggesting that an action taken at the right time saves more reparative action later.

        Or I could be wrong.

      5. Beatrice*

        ‘A stitch in time saves nine’ refers to how a small repair done quickly can avoid a more difficult repair later.

      6. Wishing You Well*

        “A stitch in time saves nine” came from the clothing industry before sewing machines were invented. A quick single-stitch repair could save a tailor from fixing an even bigger tear later. 9 stitches/inch was the standard for hand-stitching clothing seams.

      7. Slartibartfast*

        A stitch that’s places in time saves you from having to put 10 stitches in later, if fix the small hole quickly you won’t have to fix a big one later

    4. Inge*

      I’ve never understood ‘raining cats and dogs’. But then we say ‘raining shoemaker boys’ in Denmark which makes even less sense.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        I’m betting the boys is the same origin as the cats and dogs–they would huddle up near the structurally dubious roof for warmth (heat rises) and when it rained hard, couldn’t keep their grip and fell down with the rest of the family.

      3. dawbs*

        I remember learning (not saying i’s right, just that I was taught it) that in Victorian London, a hard rain would flood things and the result was a lot of drowned strays that would be found in gutters.
        So the rain kinda looked like raining cats and dogs.

      4. Seeking Second Childhood*

        How is that written på Dansk? I’m trying to learn, and we chat with friends overseas quite regularly.

    7. New Bee*

      Idioms FTW! I notice I can more readily think of examples in my first language (English) than in my others, but one interesting similarity is “pulling one’s leg” and “tomar el pelo” (pulling one’s hair”) in Spanish. Both mean to tell a lie, play a trick on, etc.

      1. tangerineRose*

        I understand that “fits like a ring” in Spanish is the equivalent of “fits like a glove” in English.

      2. Qosanchia*

        I don’t know the actual phrase, but I’m told there’s a Spanish idiom that translates as “don’t stick a fork in your ear” or some such, which is closer in meaning to “don’t let it drive your crazy.”
        On second thought, it might be a noodle, not a fork. Either way. Idiomatic language is great

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          There’s a fun book of idioms from all over the world…”I’m not hanging noodles from your ears.” By Jag Balls (sp?)
          It disappeared into my daughter’s room a while ago…much giggling ensued.

      3. TootsNYC*

        I want to know what “pull the other one, it’s got bells on” is from.

        I guess, “pull the other leg,” meaning, I already know you’re pulling my leg, or telling me an obvious lie (which is its own odd idiom), so you might as well go on and tell me another whopper.

    8. The Cosmic Avenger*

      I always thought that if you’re looking down at a clam (which we almost always are), the seam of the shells kind of looks like a smile, especially if it’s open a crack, and that’s where the saying “happy as a clam” might have come from.

    9. fposte*

      I’m always intrigued by the ones that morph. Like “head over heels,” which used to be, more reasonable, “heels over head.” Or “sucks,” which didn’t use to be sexual but then picked up a sexual meaning.

      1. Turtlewings*

        Did it really used to be “heels over head”?! I’m so glad to know that, because that always bothered me so much. Of course you’re “head over heels”! Your head is always over your heels unless you’re upside down!

        1. fposte*

          Yup. It morphed back. I think it was basically a hypercorrection, like a linguistic equivalent of spinning out completely on ice when you try to turn.

          1. tangerineRose*

            Sounds like what happened with the phrase ‘I could care less”. It used to be “I could care less… but not much less”. Of course, that made more sense :)

            Heels over head makes more sense too.

            1. fposte*

              Yup. When people talk about “could care less,” I always bring up “head over heels.” Which is why I’m so in demand at parties.

            2. Kat in VA*

              I thought the correct version was “I couldn’t care less”?

              “I could care less” implies you could care less but actually do care, whereas “I couldn’t care less” means you don’t care at all (can’t care less than zero)?

              I love language with all its idiosyncrasies!

              (and now the word “care” looks weird to me…)

              1. Someone Else*

                Both are used to mean “not really caring”. I’m not sure if one of these origins might be urban legend, but the way it’s been explained to me is the “could care less” version means “I care a bit, but could care even less, but we’re dealing with small amounts of caring here”. Whereas “couldn’t care less” implies caring such a small amount that if one cared less one wouldn’t care at all, or in other readings, it already means you don’t care at all, hence unable to care less.

    10. Forking great username*

      As a parent with young kids, the phrase “slept like a baby” immediately comes to mind. Generally used to mean you got an awesome, restful night of sleep. Which is completely not how babies actually sleep. This phrase made me furious during the hormonal days of sleep deprivation, haha.

        1. All Caught Up On Sleep Now*

          None of mine ever did.

          But it’s a useful fallback when the sleep deprivation feels like deliberate torture, and someone asks “so how does Fergus sleep?” and you can reply, “like a baby” which they’ll understand means “often, but not for long, and in a cactus position”.

    11. rogue axolotl*

      This is slightly off track, but I am particularly fond of the many horse-related idioms–don’t look a gift horse in the mouth, you can lead a horse to water, putting the cart before the horse, from the horse’s mouth, etc etc. I like the fact that the days when horses had much more relevance to our daily lives are enshrined in language.

      1. Lcsa99*

        At least the horse related idioms are better than the cat ones. Who would put a cat in a bag?! Poor kitty.

      2. Buzzbattlecat*

        There’s a band from Sydney, Australia, The Whitlams, who used the following lyric: “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it enjoy the view…”
        I love how they pivoted from the familiar saying to a different place. In Sydney, the harbour view is much prized:)

    13. Dr. Glowcat Twinklepuff*

      Actually, “under the weather” makes me think of a kitten/puppy in the rain, so… it sort of makes sense to me :) but I’m not a native English speaker.

      1. Earthwalker*

        Doesn’t “under the weather” refer to a ship rolling in stormy seas and making its landlubber passengers seasick?

        1. Cara*

          I heard it as sick seamen (those unable to work) used to be recorded in the ship’s log and their numbers exceeding the space in the relevant column, so the overspill were recorded in the adjacent column which was for recording the weather. So the names of the sick were literally under the weather.

          No idea if there’s any truth to that!

  16. Lora*

    Ugh. Today I have to tell my mother that I can’t take care of her, she can’t live here anymore.

    I had to travel for work and while I was away there were not one, not two but THREE caretakers to manage things and she still had a major meltdown.

    This is a woman who has been emotionally abusive all my life and neglected me as a child to the point where Social Services was repeatedly called, so I didn’t have much love for her to begin with. We’re not talking about a sweet old lady who bakes cookies or even a raunchy amusing old bat who drinks whiskey all day – we’re talking about Regina George as an old lady who never learned to be kind to people and spews constant racist / sexist / homophobic / anti-Semitic crap at everyone within shouting distance.

    Came home to find half the house empty. Like, clothes and blankets from the bedroom and furniture missing, computer missing, doors unlocked. I asked what the hell happened, was it robbers (the security camera was broken too). Oh no, she had a temper tantrum and broke / ruined a bunch of stuff and it had to be thrown away.

    Half my clothes. A bunch of electronics. Hand sewn quilts off the bed. Some food, small appliances, tools in the garage, small craft projects. She went on a rampage. I can’t handle this kind of destruction. Talked to her brother, we are arranging for her to be in some kind of appropriate housing near him, he’s going to find out what’s available in the homes where their parents lived several years but I know only one of those can handle dementia and they are usually booked solid. Plus she doesn’t have long term care insurance, so it’s on the state.

    This sucks. I just needed to vent. She’s with it enough to mostly understand and she will likely have another tantrum and I will have something thrown at me before the end of the day. I can only hope whatever she throws is small, soft, and inanimate.

    1. pugs for all*

      Oh, I am so sorry you are going through this. You were very kind to have taken her in in the first place. I’m hoping all goes well (or as well as can be expected) in the process of getting her moved out and you are on the other side of this soon.

    2. rubyrose*

      I’m so sorry. By her going somewhere else, you are also taking care of yourself.

      It’s good you can work with her brother and that he can help with the arrangements. Could he physically be there for the discussion? Or be on the phone? In the long run, it may make a difference that she understands it is not just you being mean.

      Since this is on the State – is he taking that into account when talking with these facilities, as in telling them this upfront? It can make a difference. Any access to social workers, or other professionals that can help with this?

      1. Lora*

        He is a few states away, so has to be on the phone. Yes, he is aware of her financial situation, he helped her several years ago setting up some automatic payment things so she wouldn’t have to manage money. Since then she ran up over 100,000 in credit card debt.

        I don’t care if she thinks I’m being mean. I just want this whole chapter of misery and firefighting over with. She won’t have any therapist or social worker or anyone like that because she thinks that would mean she is crazy and she isn’t crazy, (insert name here) is the crazy one! She thinks social workers and therapists and anyone in that field is an agent of Big Pharma trying to hook her on The Drugs.

        We pointed out repeatedly that this is the same way her mother started going downhill and how poorly Grandma’s quality of life was when she treated the nursing staff badly and refused treatment. No luck. It’s just going to suck. I’m running around trying to get things set up so it will be a fait accompli – only a few more things to do today to set up packing and organizing and then I’ll tell her later today.

        1. rubyrose*

          Actually, I meant the social worker/therapist that could provide you with easy information/guidance on getting this done the best way possible. My concern is more for you than her. I have had to deal with crazies in life.
          I found that proactively thinking some about what might happen and how to handle it if it did helped me be more effective in the moment. So if she totally loses it when you speak to her (be it today, or another time), have you considered calling the police if she becomes physically violent?

          Please be sure to update us.

          1. LilySparrow*

            Yes, in our area the elder care branch of the state social services department can help you identify resources and plan a transition like this.

        2. ..Kat..*

          Googling “elder services “ in your area (or your brother’s area) might provide you with assistance in taking care of this. I suggest you get a good lock for your bedroom door, have good smoke detectors, and can exit out your window in case of emergency. Also, can you keep important stuff (documents, electronics, a computer backup, jewelry, etc) at a friend’s house? Safe deposit box? Please keep yourself safe while you deal with this.

    3. The Cosmic Avenger*

      I’m sorry for your having to grow up with someone like that, and it was very generous of you to even talk to her, much less try to care for her. While I feel you have no moral or ethical obligation, I encourage you to Google “filial responsibility laws” and your state and the state your brother lives in, if it’s different. Because when I read “Plus she doesn’t have long term care insurance, so it’s on the state.”, the first thing I wondered is if you or your brother could legally be held responsible. Probably not, as even states with such laws on the books often don’t enforce them, and they usually only apply to state spending, not private care facilities, but it is probably worth researching before you find a permanent place for her, as if you and your brother are in different states, one state might be much better legally for the two of you.

      1. Rebecca*

        This is a really good point. PA where I live is one of those Filial Responsibility states, and has dusted it off. Look up John Pittas and what happened to him. Ridiculous.

        1. rubyrose*

          WOW!
          I work in the Medicaid world and had never encountered this. But I saw the list of states where this applies, and I’ve never lived or worked on Medicaid in any of those states.
          John Pittas – unbelievable.

    4. fposte*

      Oh, Lora, I’m so sorry this has gone so badly. You are absolutely doing a reasonable thing by saying “Enough.”

      I wouldn’t spend a lot of time worrying about filial responsibility laws, especially if you’re not in Pennsylvania–the Pittas case is an outlier, and there are something like 4 million people in nursing homes on Medicaid without getting such laws involved. What I would do, if you think you can, is find an elder law attorney to discuss the legalities and logistics of a move into nursing care. You may already be familiar with her coverage via Medicare and Medicaid and whether she has any assets; if not, check those out to have a clearer idea of the terminology and her status for meeting with a lawyer.

      I hope it goes as smoothly for you as possible.

    5. Ms. Ann Thropy*

      Take care of yourself. Biological relationship notwithstanding, nobody has the right to treat you the way she is. And you deserve to live in peace and security.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      I am so very sorry. And I am amazed that you let her stay with you to begin with. You are just an incredible, awesome person.

      When someone lets us live with them that is a privilege for us not an obligation on their part. With that privilege comes responsibilities to contribute to the household as much as possible and as often as possible. Your mother is doing the exact opposite. If you chose to continue to allow her to live with you she would bring your ship down with her own sinking ship. Yes, so this is very close to a battle for life or death, where you are trying to stay afloat and she has the torpedoes lined up and is firing them. You have come to the only conclusion there is, really.

      I am so sorry you are going through this. You tried so hard. I hope things go peacefully for you or at least go along a little quicker than you expected.

    7. Not A Manager*

      I had to move my mother to a care facility due to dementia. I don’t know your own circumstance, but it’s not at all clear to me why you need to tell her this TODAY. She’s not going to learn a lesson and change her behavior, even if she could. The strong likelihood is that her behavior will get much worse while she’s still with you, AND she’ll turn on as much manipulation and guilt as possible as well.

      Even if she’s not legally incompetent – or hasn’t been declared incompetent – the fact is that she has limited resources to resist you once you actually get this set up. My STRONG advice, from personal experience, is not to have a Big Talk with her now. Get everything set up with her brother, get your ducks in a row, and then deal with looping her in.

      In the case of many people with dementia, the easiest thing is literally to get them in the car and take them to their new residence. This sounds harsh, but depending on how bad their memory is, they might not remember any prior conversations about it anyway, and those conversations can be very traumatic to both of you at the time. Many people at my mother’s facility believe that they are “visiting” in a “hotel.” Telling a little white lie such as, the home needs some repairs, or this is a short vacation to stay near her brother, etc. might be helpful.

      If she’s more intact, but angry and hostile, then it might still make sense to postpone the conversation until she’s in the car, or at least until a day or two before the move. Again, if you’re going to tell her while she’s still living with you, have a support person there with you at the time.

      If I were you, I would certainly NOT have this conversation with her now until I’d at least talked to a geriatric social worker and gotten some good scripts.

      1. Not A Manager*

        ALSO – Do not be afraid to lie to someone with dementia. What you both need is for them to feel safe and secure, and to experience as little emotional upset as possible. Resist the urge to give them distressing truths that will upset them and that they will not internalize or even remember.

        It’s hard for my mother to part from me after I visit her. I’ve found that it’s best to reassure her that I’ll come back in time for dinner (because she thinks she’s at a hotel and is vaguely “vacationing” near me). I tell her to have a nap or watch TV while I run some errands, and then I’ll be back. In reality, I visit her twice a week. But what’s the point of having that upsetting conversation? She forgets that I’ve been there literally when I’m out of sight.

        So think about what will best sit with your mother regarding her move. “The roof is leaking and it will take some time to get it repaired, so I want you in a quiet environment.” “Winter here is cold and icy so you should vacation someplace warmer until spring.” “My job is requiring me to travel a lot for the next few months, so now’s a good time to visit near your brother.”

        And, as I said before, think about when is the best time for her AND FOR YOU for you to share this information. With previously-autonomous, previously-intact adults, there is the urge to continue treating them as autonomous, intact adults. But if that’s no longer the reality, then you need to time your disclosures based on what’s actually best and easiest for her.

        2. Lora*

          This is incredibly helpful. I think you are right, but basically I want her out of my house starting now and I’m changing the locks. I think you are right about fibbing to her and this has been something I’ve really struggled with trying to care for her – she yells and screams and makes up stories in her head that have nothing to do with reality and it’s all I can do just to hold my tongue and shrug and let it roll off me, without contradicting her and saying no, that’s not how it happened. I’m sure it’s extra difficult just because of my history with her, too. You’re not the first person to say that by far, but somehow I have a real mental block about lying to her. I’m not good at thinking up something she would find plausible on the spot.

          She still has good days, they are just fewer and further between, and on a good day she does understand what’s going on. It’s that the bad days are REALLY bad and getting worse all the time. If I try to put her in the car and “hey, we’re going to Dave’s house for Xmas!” on a good day, she will be very suspicious and refuse to go. But I never know what day it’s going to be.

          And partly because I feel like it won’t be so easy to get her moved into care – her doctors have been pretty unhelpful. Her oncologist was actually more helpful than her regular doctor because he saw her all the time for chemo and saw her on good days, bad days and horrible days, and I think he was the first of her medical team to see how bad it really was. But her primary care doctor is useless. I kind of feel like I don’t have any help with anything, like they’re going to shrug and say, “oh she loves you deep down underneath it all, you’re exaggerating and it’s not really that bad, it’s your job to take care of your mother!” Because I have heard that nearly all my life.

          Thank you. I need to think about this a bit, how to get from point A to point B.

          1. fposte*

            Lora, do check out the laws in your area before you do something like locking her out today with notice (I wasn’t sure if you mean that literally); that could be an illegal eviction. It would be in a lot of U.S. states. That’s a much likelier issue than a filial responsibility case, so I’d consider consulting a lawyer before I took any action.

            1. Lora*

              She’s in a little granny cottage, so she wouldn’t be locked out of her little apartment – just the main house.

              She tore up the seat covers on my car. The seat covers on my friggin car. Just… what??? I can’t deal with this.

              1. fposte*

                Aha, okay. That’s good both for legal and personal reasons; you can keep up some barriers between you in the mean time.

                But yeah. Somebody who tears up the seat covers on your car is beyond logical reach, and I would totally want her out of my life.

              2. Auntie Social*

                Do you need photos of the damage for the courts and for the nursing homes, to see what they’re up against? I just wonder if you’re going to have to be her guardian (I so hope not). She will get medication in a SNF, a friend’s mom was hell on earth and they gave her a medication for paranoia and she’s much more pleasant. She’s never going to be a sweet old lady, mind you, but there is a huge difference. I’m so sorry, I know it wore my friend out. She will be gone soon, I promise.

                2. Seeking Second Childhood*

                  Statements from the caregivers in this most recent episode would also have an impact.

          2. Wishing You Well*

            I am very, very sorry you’re dealing with this.
            Say and do whatever you need to at whatever time you need to deal with this.
            If you need to convince someone of Mom’s behavior, a video would be your best witness. Videos tend to silence doubters very quickly. (Don’t post to social media, just to be clear. Show it to the individual doctors, lawyers, etc.)
            Even Glen Campbell, with all his money, had to be put in a care facility because he was too violent to be at home anymore. Your mom now needs more help than you can provide.
            Jedi Hugs, if you want them.

          3. Observer*

            That stinks, but that’s all the more reason to not talk to her until you actually have someplace to take her.

            Please document as much as you can, including pictures and statements from people like the care givers who had to throw out thousands of dollars of stuff. This kind of stuff is important, but at that point you can make the point that is doesn’t matter whether she loves under it all or not – she just NOT SAFE. She’s a danger to you and herself.

    9. LilySparrow*

      I’m so sorry!

      I think what you’re describing would be much better for her, because consistency of environment and caregivers is really important in dementia. She won’t like the change, and it may be a rough transition, but once she’s settled it will be safer and calmer for her to be in a properly equipped place with 24-hour staff. A rampage that violent is going to get her and/or someone else badly hurt at some point, in a normal home with breakables and kitchen equipment at hand.

      My relative had different health issues, but it was still emotionally difficult when we transferred her to a facility. I didn’t feel guilty for doing it, I was relieved.

      And then I felt guilty for feeling relieved, and questioned whether I was just being selfish (and got accused of selfishness).

      But it’s just the practical reality that she needs more care than you are able to do on your own. Getting her the best possible care is a very kind and loving thing to do. Particularly when your relationship is so difficult.

      Best wishes, I hope the conversation and the process go smoothly!

      1. LilySparrow*

        I just read NotaManager’s good advice. I hear you about not wanting to lie to her, but it does sound like it would be good to postpone the conversation as long as possible. And have backup with you when it happens.

      1. Buffay the Vampire Layer*

        Not from what’s described here. She sounds like a pain in the ass and a danger to property, but not a danger to the safety of herself or others.

    11. Woodswoman*

      I am so sorry you’re having to deal with this, and you an amazing person to have invited her to live with you in the first place after growing up with her abuse. With her brother being far away, I can’t imagine dealing with such a horrible situation by yourself. I echo what others are saying about finding more support for YOU through a social worker and or a therapist. I hope you’ll post an update.

    12. Lora*

      Well. Crap.

      Her brother found out how much work it would be and how much it would cost, because the state payments don’t kick in until she is MUCH worse (I mentioned that her primary care doctor is useless, wasn’t kidding) and basically not having good days at all ever. He bailed. AGAIN. He’s moving out of the country and won’t help. Don’t have any other family who can step in. I guess he thought he could just talk to her nicely and tell her we are all very concerned about her and she would be cool with that? And was shocked when that didn’t work. And it sounds like he has his own Issues with her and doesn’t want to help for that reason too.

      Apparently my only legal option if she won’t voluntarily go is to evict her and get a restraining order. Which I guess I will do. I can’t live with this.

      Why am I so fking all alone in this crap? There is seriously no help.

      1. Traffic_Spiral*

        It’s not fair, but people are often more than happy to dump all the work on whomever they think will do it. I’m sorry it’s so tough.

      2. ronda*

        when she goes on a rant, call the police and have her arrested because she is assaulting you (from one of your comments it sound like that has happened), or whatever she is doing this time.

        refuse to let her come back because it is un-safe.

        They will find somewhere to put her.

        1. rubyrose*

          Seconding this.
          You need to take care of yourself and your possessions first.
          The authorities will find a place to put her. Hopefully, it will be where she will get an objective evaluation (because it does not sound like her primary care provider is being objective or engaged).

      3. rubyrose*

        I hope that you will have been able to have the locks changed on your place by the end of today. My guess is that she will become enraged when she figures that out. Be prepared to call the police if she does anything illegal when she has another tantrum, be it against you or your possessions. Don’t give her anymore slack or leeway on anything. Actually, can you still report today getting home and finding a good portion of your things gone/destroyed?

        It sounds to me like the best thing would be for her to immediately be in an institutional facility, be it jail or the hospital. I don’t think either of those places are going to put up with what you have had to deal with. They can gather the evidence of her mental state. I’ve never been in the jail system, but I have dealt some with acute care behavioral health settings. If she is not put on an involuntary hold, they are required to come up with a plan for someone leaving the hospital. They have social workers. Since they want their money, they will get Medicaid involved.

        If I were in your shoes, I would be contacting your state elder services first thing tomorrow. Maybe they have a web presence and you can get some information online today? Maybe a 24 hour help line? Also, start the restraining order/eviction process tomorrow. I just don’t know which order I would do them in.

        I know it feels really lonely, Lora. I think there is help, but it is help you will need to reach out for to from agencies that you have hoped you would not need to contact.

        One other thing – those folks who try to guilt trip you into staying involved because she’s your mother and she really loves you – ignore them. Feel free to tell them no.

      4. Not A Manager*

        I have no idea what the legal situation is in your state, but when I moved my mother, I didn’t need to have “her primary care doctor” specifically sign stuff. It could be any doctor who had examined her.

        If you have some resources, I would suggest tracking down the best geriatric unit/practice in your area, and consulting with them. If you can’t do that, try elder services, social services, and the social worker at your local hospital. You need someone to give you general information and set you on the right path.

        Worst-case scenario, next time your mother goes on a rampage, call 911.

        Best of luck. This is a terrible situation.

      5. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

        Wait, yesterday your uncle wanted to have your mom move out near him, but today he’s moving out of the country?!

        Ok, maybe not exactly that, but I like the idea of your uncle fleeing the country to get out of taking care of his sister.

      6. valentine*

        Lora, you can absolutely prioritize your safety, including keeping your property intact because letting her destroy things isn’t good for anyone. (I don’t know why she has access, anyway. Couldn’t the carers have called the police if she tried to break into your house or car?) As she has carers, can’t you stay in your house and she in the cottage without that being neglect? I don’t see why you have to interact with her, but if she throws something at you, what about reporting it as assault and asking the police to remove her immediately and to bar her from your property? Doesn’t her assaulting you and vandalizing your property trump her tenant’s rights? With her causing harm to herself or others, can you get a psychiatric hold?

        If you’re going to suffer her longer, maybe have the carers photograph the destruction (Why is it your stuff? Can you remove anything of yours from the cottage?) and keep the items for you to peruse and to present as proof.

    13. not Lynn Davis*

      You may want to google ‘office for the aging mystate ‘ and her brother’s state, to get to each state’s elder info. From what I’ve seen there are often central state resources plus links to each county. The folks at the referral lines (if you decide to call in addition to googling) have lots of experience with what services are available….which might include talking with someone (social wkr etc as suggested above) who can help you plan. If they list a caregiver support group near you, that might be worth trying. That’s usually not my thing…but it really helped; several attendees had stories similar to yours, and the group gave us a safe place to say I’m overwhelmed/angry/need help and get commiseration and suggestions instead of judgment. Contacting the state/country where your uncle (and soon mother!) live may provide info on the suggested process there. Bravo on taking care of yourself, and I’m so glad your uncle is willing to help. (Also, I don’t remember the details, but if ‘the state’ is paying, that’s probably Medicaid, and there’s a bunch of paperwork — gathering old bank statements etc – to prove financial need/lack of assets. Hopefully the facility uncle is looking at can provide a list of required docs, so you/he can get started. )

  17. Bibliovore*

    I am planning to go to a sketching night at the natural history museum. Part of the “have something in my life that isn’t the thing that shall not be named” super nervous. I haven’t made art in 25 years. What do I bring? Pad? Recommendations, ? Pencil? That’s it?

    1. Overeducated*

      That sounds so fun! I have a friend who does stuff like that and it sounds very relaxed, quiet, noncompetitive. Enjoy!

    3. Dr. KMnO4*

      One thing I find is that people who haven’t made art in a long time can be very self-critical. I was like that until I took some art classes. Just be kind to yourself and don’t get too caught up in how things “should” look. My best art has all come when I stopped worrying about making it look perfect/photorealistic and just focused on making it look the way I felt it.

      2. Tiny Soprano*

        Something really great for circumventing perfectionist urges is using something permanent like markers or crayons so you don’t spend lots of time being self-critical with an eraser. It can make it easier to embrace the chaotic nature of art. Have fun!

    4. Lizabeth*

      Instead of doing one big drawing, use your credit card to outline a bunch of smaller frames to draw in. One of my old profs had us do that for landscape drawing so we wouldn’t get bogged down by size.

    5. redbug34*

      I bet it will be a great time! I did a drawing class at our local natural history society, and everyone was so gracious and enthused, and at all different skill levels. It was a very good, calming experience. I’d say bring a simple sketch pad and whatever media you used to work with – pencil, pen, watercolor – and enjoy yourself!

    6. Anonymous Educator*

      Yeah, I would just bring a pad and pencil and that’s it.

      I do a regular drawing thing (not at a museum, though that sounds fun!), and there’s a real variety. Some people bring a small sketchpad or notebook. Others have giant sheets of newsprint with charcoal. Still others paint. I saw someone sketching on an iPad! It’s really just whatever works for you. Have a blast!

      1. Bibliovore*

        I just blew the bank on the iPad Pro. I will bring that along. My favorite drawing app didn’t update. sigh.

  18. LuJessMin*

    I’m up at 6:30 am on Saturday morning due to my infernal coughing. I had a cold on Monday and all that’s left is the coughing. I wish I had some of the good cough syrup with codeine.

    1. Overeducated*

      Right there with you. My cold was worst yesterday and Thursday, I was looking forward to sleeping in but also up at 6:30 today. Hope you feel better soon!

    2. Kuododi*

      Oh Sweetie… I am wide awake in my corner of Paradise having all kinds of sympathy pains for you. ( Cough, drainage, sore throat and the like) Unfortunately I am allergic to the whole Codiene class of meds so I can’t have any of the fun cough syrup! :(. I’m making do with OTC products and feeling a bit whiny. Hang in there! It will get better!!!

    3. Ali G*

      My homemade “cure” for sore throat/cough is to take my french press (if you don’t have one, you can just strain this manually), add a sprig of rosemary, a lemon halved and juiced (but throw it in too), add boiling water and then honey. Steep for ~5 min. Push the press down/strain and drink! It feels really good.

    4. Anona*

      One point against the codeine syrup- we had some and gave some to my husband when he got the flu last winter. It helped with the coughing, and he got pneumonia! They told him if he didn’t rest he was very close to having a tube put in his lung to drain it! They blamed the cough syrup at least in part, since he wasn’t clearing his lungs. It was scary and surprising.

    5. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      Couldn’t add the codiene last winter during the cough season to hubby’s routine (lung issue), but highly recommend “Traditional Medicinals” (or comparable quality herbal) “Throat Coat” and “Breathe Easy” teas. (The first one is slippery elm bark… ) I bought the sampler and then a shipment of Throat Coat from the place that has Prime. (I gave bags to friends as needed to winnow the supply down!).

      Throat coat – for me, adding honey to the tea – plus the Burt’s Bees cough drops with honey (for some reason, they use the real stuff, and their cough drops work, unlike the sugar bag stuff at the drug store).

      Helped SO MUCH. I keep it now, along with the generic good cough syrup, in the medicine cabinet.

      1. Anono-me*

        Seconding the Traditional Medicine Tea. I really like how thethe Gypsy Cold Care tea works for me (Although I am uncomfortable about the name. ). I drink it with honey and lemon.

    6. Ha2*

      Ugh, I also get persistent coughs after colds, and it sucks. I’m sorry. For me the only thing that ever works is cough drops with high menthol content.

    7. AnonNDmous*

      I’ve had great luck with slowly eating a spoon of honey and then trying not to drink anything for a while (let it coat your throat.)

    8. Not A Manager*

      I also find that codeine is by far the best cough suppressant. Without getting into the pros and cons of cough suppressants in general or codeine in particular, just FYI that it doesn’t have to be delivered in a cough syrup formula. If you have any, say, Tylenol 3 leftover from a procedure or whatever, you can take that.

      I don’t want to sound like I’m giving medical advice. What I do is, I carefully google the med that I have to see how it compares to the active ingredient in a codeine cough syrup, and I try to deliver a similar quantity of codeine.

  19. pugs for all*

    Financial advice please!

    DH has been pushed into involuntary semi-retirement (well, almost fully pushed, but he does still work a little bit) and this obviously has negatively impacted out finances. (It’s also not been great on our relationship in other ways, but that is another post!)

    We have been arguing about money and I am at my wit’s end. We just go on circles and never get anywhere and get more in debt (I found out a few months ago he has run up $35k in credit card debt on his own cards, and just learned he may owe $20k to pay back a line of credit his now-failing company took out).

    Are there financial advisors out there that can help? All the ones I’ve met with seem to deal with retirement savings and so forth, not how to get out of a hole. Has anyone used one in this sort of situation and what “type” was it? How do you find one? Thank you.

    1. Asenath*

      Many places have non-profit credit counsellors. These are NOT the ones who are in it for profit and want to sell you financial services or handle your bankruptcy; they’re often run by a non-profit group, the local government, maybe a church or similar group. I can’t recommend them highly enough for anyone in financial difficulty. They will help with budgeting and negotiating credit payments, and if necessary refer their clients to someone who handles bankruptcy, but that isn’t by any means the first thing they suggest. They aren’t infallible – money management is a difficult and personal issue, and some people can’t accept or stick with the kinds of budgets and payment plans they recommend. How you find one? Googling should turn up some, but read their sites carefully to make sure they’re not the for profit kind, which are generally more interested in selling some financial product that teaching you to handle your money longterm. They may be listed among government or non-profit program organization sites – if you were in Canada, I’d suggest https://creditcounsellingcanada.ca/

    2. Gala apple*

      Check out the Financial Gym; they seem like a neat org that coaches people through things like this. Good luck!

    3. Missouri Girl in Louisiana*

      Go to http://www.daveramsey.com and look for endorsed local providers in your area. They won’t give you bad advice. It’s hard finding good financial people you can trust. Dave Ramsey saved us when I got laid off many moons ago.

    4. The Cosmic Avenger*

      To be blunt, he might need therapy first to stop the financial self-harm he keeps inflicting on both of you before you work on healing those financial wounds. Or both at the same time, but working on that debt won’t do much if he keeps overspending money that you don’t have. Is this something new, or something he’s always done? The former might be easier to deal with, since it might be partially due to depression and avoidance about his work situation.

    5. fposte*

      This seems like less of a financial problem than a marital problem. You’re married to somebody who’s running up debt without telling you. A financial advisor isn’t going to change that. (And you’re right that they’re not generally getting-out-of-debt advisors anyway.)

      What it might be worth doing is checking out a nonprofit credit counseling service. I’ll append an FTC link about finding a reputable one. However, I also think I’d consider couples counseling here–$55k of debt that you weren’t told about is a big deal. Does he still have access to any credit cards, and is there a balance on any of them?

      2. A different anonymous today*

        Nesting, because fposte is right and also I don’t want to scare you… reading this in context of the recognition that this isn’t really about the money only… hopefully sets the stage for what I’m going to warn you about and recommend? I know I am going to react strongly here, but please know that I see warning flags I missed, and I’m concerned for you. Ignore or use it…. I’ve posted in the past about my troubles, so I’m coming from a very painful place.

        You are of an age where you don’t have recovery time if he doesn’t straighten up, stop, and immediately pay these off (with what?).

        The marital issues are actually the iceberg here (debt is the tip). Whether or not he agrees, you need to take a step back, get into counseling, and look at how you might be enabling him to do this “to you.” Seriously. Because if you are legally married, these become your debts if he dies (you are executor? Are there marital assets they can come after? What if you do get divorced?).

        I was (much more than afraid) so I get it… you try to fix the symptom, not the cause. What is really going on? Not just debt… but his behavior, communication, your marriage. The debt is a symptom.

        I held on, tried to fix (because of many reasons). My brain refused to look at the big picture, and dealt with the trees at the edge of the forest. (ie, things like “we owe $50,000 in defaulted judgements…” rather than the whole debt PLUS the reality of the non-communicative, disrespectful marriage and my supporting him).

        My brain only dealt with tiny pieces and trying to fix him/ the edges of the marriage/ pay the bills “today.” Why? I would give myself excuses / logic on why I had to stay in the marriage/ with him / keep beating my head against the wall. Things like I had “>20 yrs” in the relationship… he wasn’t physically well (depression takes many forms)… “I” would look like a jerk if I left him… “I” would be alone at (old age.).

        Turns out none of those were as bad as the reality of losing ALL of our retirement savings (he’d actually managed to tap into those secretly, and spent over X00,000 in inheritance I didn’t even know about to boot – which generates a tax hit as well), and being > X00,000 in debt when he died that I didn’t know about in total. And now I am unable to retire and probably having to go bankrupt myself (still waiting on the details for this… one of the big debts is not dis-chargeable).

        All because I stuck my head in the sand and thought I’d just deal with “what I could” and “owed it to him” to help him through the physical illness/underemployment (really severely compounded un-diagnosed depression and mental illness).

        Is it harsh to say divorce and put it on him? No. Not in retrospect. I look back now at every fork in the road and have to NOT beat myself up. At every red flag and wish I’d paid attention.

        What I was doing was black and white. I could have done a better middle ground (if I’d had counseling which I STRONGLY recommend). I could have divorced him, not had responsibility for his debt and STILL supported him as a friend and loved one through the mental illness – had I taken stock and been realistic.

        I should have done an agreement/ plan with him. Yes, you shouldn’t have to parent him. But you are. They are not a partner if they are not holding up their half the bargain. Set down a plan and agreement, not just for the repayment, but for the “no more usage.” (and check up on it) For the communication and weekly review of spending. For the going to the financial and (marriage) counselor. For the employment seeking/ second holiday job to pay off those bills. AND give deadlines for each step… this by “X” date. And hold to it. (Look up tough love for teenagers). You are enabling him… you may need to hold to the plan and cut him loose.

        What happens? Worst case? You are single and divorced. Trust me, from my perspective, it WOULD have been better to have cut him loose, put his debt in with his settlement, and kept a cordial as possible relationship. In retrospect, I should have learned to live with the (possibility of ) people thinking I’m a jerk for divorcing such a sweet, charming, ill man. Offer to him, to move back in AFTER he cleans up his act and proves it. You are still his friend of many years. You are just not financially owning his mistakes, and you don’t want to get stuck with them if he is hit by a car this weekend. (Sorry, but be realistic).

        You learn to draw boundaries, you stand up for yourself… and when he gets through learning his lessons, you are still on your own two feet. If he doesn’t, you are still on your own two feet and not drowning in debt and feeling guilty for not doing more. (and not contemplating having to move to the back side of beyond and living out of a 1970 double wide driving a $1000 car because you can’t afford to survive otherwise… or worse, throwing yourself on the mercy of friends or relatives because you CANNOT stand on your own two feet).

        The important steps are between here and the nuclear divorce, and how he takes responsibility. Not a bad idea to help him see the plan options, but he has to OWN his responsibility and take the steps. And you have to give firm deadlines and be prepared (and DO) take the actions if he doesn’t.

        I completely understand… but there’s a lot more here than a debt counselor. There’s dysfunction and as one who is suffering – deeply – remorse and pain from a situation… I just wish someone had pointed these things out to me.

        I was MORE wrong to stay and prop up, than I would have been to go and let him fall. It’s like a bad employee. Do you do their work for them… or let them get fired? I pulled in all kinds of cultural, family, emotional filters and never protected myself or my values of standing on my own two feet and having financial integrity.

        What would your future self say to your current self if this doesn’t get better ? Visualize… you are pushing 75 and having to work as a fast food cashier (as I may have to, seriously) to pay for a rented room and supplement social security while paying on that debt? (Debt collectors can mercifully only take X amount of your social security pay but it doesn’t leave much)…

        Don’t let pride or “shoulds” keep you from protecting yourself and doing what you will wish you’d done.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Well said. Thank you for sharing this, I am sure more than just the OP are reading and thinking, “wait. this is FOR me, too.” I am sorry life has been so harsh for you.

          OP, Different’s comment here is reaching me as my friend just lost her hubby. Nice guy but lots of health issues and lots of emotional baggage. Now that he is gone, she finds that they had 15 credit cards she did not know about with balances she was never aware of. Some of the cards are in her name. He lost the house before he passed because he failed to pay the mortgage for seven months in a row. The cars quit working a while back and he was unable to get them fixed for whatever reason. DMV pulled his license and she was never sure why. He said there was life insurance somewhere, but they haven’t found it yet.
          Fortunately, people are helping her a lot. I think she will be okay but it could be a year or two before we find out. And, yeah, lots of tears, too.

          Please bring in your own people to advise you as to what YOU should do. Put your own oxygen mask on first.

          1. A different anonymous today*

            Thank you – NSNR. You have given me many thoughtful supportive comments during my struggle these last few months, and I do look up to you and the others on this list who are wise and helpful. I feel for your friend.
            Forgery and identify theft is real, even in spouses. Forgery happened a lot. It is hard to believe, but they do have your SSN, they do have your signature, they can lay their hands on those credit card offers… and they have not the qualms you do. (and did do it to others, too).
            The pattern can be missed if they are charming and a good liar.
            Hard to say, but assume the worst until investigated. Use his ss# and identity, and get that credit karma or whatever report, etc. The truth needs to be known.

            1. A different anonymous today*

              Last point? I am not an advocate of sneaking and spying, but…. You have to. Log onto his laptop (most folks do save their passwords). Look at his main email, and online bill pays/statements, for email from companies or institutions or multiple accounts. write down the passwords. You know (probably) his mother’s maiden name, and most of the favorite pet, etc… you can do password resets. Don’t let the red herring of “why are you snooping” deter you from full discovery. They have already proved themselves not trustworthy. If your employee is doing drugs, as part of the rehab, you get to get that drug screen run. As part of this “rehab” you need to have all the info and discovery to know if they are running up or opening new accounts, and EVERY account they have.

              You can’t have a level playing field. And you can consider it a red flag if you’ve already “had the talk” and yet he’s opened up another account or borrowed money from family and / or friends (if there are any left who will loan it) without telling you…

              1. A different anonymous today*

                yeah, re-reading the better comments below… I know the snooping advice is bad. Don’t do it. In my defense… it is because I am so damaged by the lies and in agony this week in particular. (would-have-been-big-number-anniversary weekend).
                I will say, though, that if you have any niggling doubt that he is still hiding his financial issues/ borrowing/ debt (friends being borrowed from. other tiny flags…)… run, don’t walk to have the conversation. AND be aware that if it comes back to complete defensiveness and they won’t meet your eyes, there’s signs of lying… you need to protect yourself. Don’t be diverted by his defensiveness.
                I apologize, it’s a horrible, horrible place to be in and I’m not the first or last. Because I’m usually so nice, I’m particularly blindsided.

                1. valentine*

                  Please stop being so hard on yourself. What’s done is done and you’re unlikely to repeat it. What you did is perfectly human and I’m not sure it’s physically possible for you to fight your brain to both see and tackle the big picture at once. Your brain protected you by looking at a piece at a time and here you are now, on the other side. Be kind to yourself. You deserve it.

                  Pugs, I would start with a divorce lawyer and a PI. Even if you preserve the marriage, you’ll know at what real risk and cost you’re doing so.

        2. Clisby Williams*

          It’s worth checking with a lawyer on how this affects/could affect your finances. This may vary from state to state, but in mine, I have zero responsibility for my husband’s credit card debts, and he has zero responsibility for mine. The only joint debt we have ever had was our mortgage, which is paid off.

      3. neverjaunty*

        This, this, this. What the hell is he spending $35K on that you didn’t know about it until just now?

        Absolutely get credit counseling – but that is a stopgap. You cannot fix this as a couple unless he is fully transparent and on board with you. And if you are going around in circles on this it seems like he is not.

    6. Operational Chaos*

      I agree with the advise already given, but I would encourage you to pull a full credit history for both of you to make sure there aren’t any more surprises to contend with later on. You can also put freezes on credit checks, etc to prevent things getting even worse.

      2. Auntie Social*

        Um, that’s illegal. Seriously illegal. I say just go to a bankruptcy lawyer and each of you run your credit while you’re in his office. Nowhere to run, you know? It’s time to tell the absolute truth in a lawyer’s office.

        1. fposte*

          Sorry, good clarification. Run your own, but I wouldn’t try to run his or snoop in his stuff at this point. You don’t need more evidence on his side than the $55k of surprise debt you already know about to take whatever actions you’re going to take.

    7. pugs for all*

      Thank you all for the advice and your personal stories. I am so floored by some of these experiences and I really appreciate sharing these very difficult situations.

      We just spent 2 hours going over all our finances. I hope I am not being too “ostrichy” but I really do believe that now everything is out in the open. We logged onto the credit card accounts, our retirement accounts, and the kids 529 accounts. There are no aberrations – except for the credit card debt, which really is just normal living expenses. Groceries, gas, etc etc. The credit cards have been used to bridge the gap between income and expenses (we are each responsible for different bills, so I didn’t realize how big the credit card bills were getting). So it was more a sin of omission than running up all sorts of crazy purchases.

      The 20k line fof credit for his company – well, that is a separate problem that we are still untangling.

      And therapy would certainly help, I don’t doubt that. I’m hoping that taking this hard and realistic look at our financial world was a big first step in getting us to a better place.

      1. MindOverMoneyChick*

        I do exactly this – help people pull themselves out of debt. Not sure if you are still working or not. If you are, there’s hope. I find that if there is a halfway decent income to work with, and a commitment to change, most people can get on stable ground. But as everyone else is saying, it is absolutely a martial issue if you husband is not on board and no financial planner can fix it.

        If you just want to talk to or email somebody who can evaluate the situation and maybe give you some ideas I’d be happy to do that. (you can find my email and my site by clicking on my name) Other suggestions on Dave Ramsey and credit counselors are good too.

      2. Cowgirlinhiding*

        Awesome free website: powerpay.org it is a program that helps you figure out how to pay off your debts, figure out your spending etc. It give you the tools. Good luck.

  20. Questioner*

    Anyone here a fan of Gretchen Rubin and her 4 Tendencies framework? I just read the book and started listening to her Podcast and think it is wonderfully insightful and super useful for self development and dealing with people ay work.

    Go take the quiz on her webaite to see your tendency. But basically it categorizes you based on how you fespond to expectation. Upholders readily reapond to inner (new years resolutions, goals etc) and outer expectation (boss delegating to you, traffic laws etc). Obligers do well with outer but struggle with commiting to inner expectations. Questioners struggle with outer and only respond to inner. And then Rebels reject all expectation.

    The quiz originally gave me Obliger and the one in the bool gave me Upholder. I struggled with what I was because I saw really strong examples of myself as an Upholder (I’m very rigid about rules, doing things right, and super organized and methodical), an Obliger (I will often do anything someone asks at the expense of my own goals), and a Rebel (I also often reject the expectations of things and think “you cannot make me.”

    I’ve come to realize I’m actually a Questioner. I didn’t recognize that at first because I don’t ACTUALLY ask too many questions! I ask one. Do I trust the source of the expectation? And if I do, and they ask me to do something, I react like an Upholder/Obliger. I do it without question, at the expense of my own time, and I treat it with the utmost responsibility. But if I don’t trust the source, I refuse to do even reasonable things asked of me. What’s really confusing is that for inner expectations, I’m only good at fullfilling them if I am 100% confident in my abilities. Lose weight and work out? Yes! I’m an organic farmer and farm to school teacher! I know all about food and am comfy with labor! But tell myself I need to socialize and attend meetups and I find ways to back out because I lack confidence in myself socially.

    Ugh. Sorry for the long winded story. I’m a Questioner, so I needed you to have the facts!

    2. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      I’ve been reading her column a little… haven’t taken the quiz or her course. (there’s a whole course you can take). I learned a lot 30 years ago from the Myers-Briggs ( in theory its not that scientific – but I am so INTP in many regards…). It helped me a lot as I prepared for grad school and my career change. Very interested in following this thread and seeing how many find the 4 tendencies apply… I may go do it!

    3. Boketto*

      Hah, I had similar results to yours! At first, I identified strongly with being an Obliger, to the point that I started a Meetup group on the topic of habits while I was still reading the book, because I hoped that the external accountability would help me with establishing some healthy habits I was interested in. (Spoiler alert: I met some nice people, but nope, it didn’t help. :P)

      Then I thought I might be a Rebel, because I really value freedom and feel resistance in regards to many expectations.

      But, like you, I think the Questioner description might fit me quite well in the end. I find your different reactions related to trusting the source of the expectation quite interesting, thank you for sharing!

    4. LilySparrow*

      I tried to read it, because I read nearly everything I can get my hands on about habits and self-hacking. And because Cap recommended it.

      But I got turned off (and pissed off) quickly, because (and I can’t remember the exact words) whatever profile seemed to fit me best was described as “resisting habits” because they don’t like them or don’t want to create them.

      I very much want to form good habits. It’s worked for me in some areas sometimes, and I know positive habits will help with many of the things I struggle with. But I find it incredibly difficult, no matter what system or approach I try. I can do all the recommended things for the recommended length of time (or longer) with intense enthusiasm and the right attitude, and the second I let off the pressure even slightly, poof. Gone. There’s no autopilot kicking in, no habituation to take over for the will power. It’s like the previous six weeks or three months (or whatever) never happened. And will power just isn’t sustainable indefinitely.

      So I read that and was like, “Oh gee thanks. It’s my fault because I’m not really trying? I *could* do it if I just *wanted to* badly enough? Boy, where have I heard that before?”

    5. MissDisplaced*

      I just took it and I’m a Rebel. This does not really surprise me, but I would say I’m really somewhere in-between Rebel and Questioner because I actually CAN be made to do something I don’t want to do, or go along with expectations IF the thing can be made to appeal to my logical/rational side. Go on, persuade me!
      As a side note, my Myers-Briggs is a INTJ Rational Mastermind so Rubin’s Tendencies does seem to also corroborate this.

      INTJ Hobbies:
      1. Planning world domination
      2. Reading books
      3. Learning all kinds of stuff
      4. Staying home
      5. Overthinking

  21. Rosie M. Banks*

    Also inspired by the “fortnight” discussion. Friends of mine are having a baby soon, and have chosen not to find out the baby’s sex in advance. So I went shopping and was looking at baby clothes, blankets, etc. Baby stuff in the U.S. seems to be intensely gendered. I would say at least 90% of items were either pink/purple (for girls) or blue/gray (for boys). I found a few things in green or yellow, but it was hard! I was just wondering if this pink/blue divide was equally prominent in the UK and other parts of the world.

    1. ElspethGC*

      A lot of things are still super gendered here, but there’s an increasing backlash.

      We’ve got two new babies in the family (two of my mum’s cousins; one was planning to announce their pregnancy on the day the other went into labour) and we’ve unanimously not got them anything gendered. They’re both little girls, but we’ve gone for cute colourful things with wildlife patterns and so on. What I’ve found is that cheaper (but still good quality) clothes tend to be more gendered than if you go to somewhere with a dedicated children’s department. We were looking for baby clothes in the clothing bit of our local supermarket (Nutmeg at Morrisons) – nice clothes, but intensely gendered. Poster child for the identical t-shirts with polar opposite sayings on them. Went to Debenhams (here’s hoping they stick around for a bit longer) which has a huge children and baby section, and things were less gendered.

      My parents chose not to find out my sex (20 years ago) and got everything in neutrals. A lot of yellow. I had jaundice when I was born, so that wasn’t a good look.

      1. Auntie Social*

        My kid was jaundiced, and we had done her room in yellow and green—poor thing looked like a banana.

        1. valentine*

          No one knows the baby’s sex until baby tells you.

          The needless gendering is so bad, TV shows are putting brown plaid on male baby characters (I don’t say male babies because some AFAB babies play boys). It reminds me of the study where a research assistant sat in public with a baby she claimed she was watching while the parent went to the bathroom. She said she didn’t know if they were a boy or a girl and some people who admired the baby offered to check.

          We don’t even need different colors, store sections, or prices for children.

    2. Amerdale*

      It is the same in Germany and it is so awful (and according to my mum it is way worse now than it was in the 70s and 80s…). Nearly everything is gendered, clothes, toys, even stuff like books.

      1. Anon for this*

        It’s gotten a lot worse for marketing reasons – if everything is intensely gendered, you have to buy separate girls and boys clothing and toys and furniture, rather than passing down even the infant stuff. So they make more money.

    3. That's Not My Job*

      I don’t have any insight but a funny aside: my friends are also not revealing the gender, or at least they’ve never mentioned it. But they have a ultrasound picture on their fridge and I noticed it seemed to be labeled “girl” in really tiny print on the picture. I was so worried I had ruined the surprise, were they not actually keeping it a secret? Did they not notice it was there? Is it rude to read someone’s fridge pictures? I kept my mouth shut and I’m so glad I did because this week, while they were out of the room I took a closer look. It doesn’t say girl, it’s just some capital letters stuck together that look like girl without the glasses I never wear.

    4. Overeducated*

      I’ve found the more gender neutral, primary color stuff is there but it’s from more expensive brands. My better-off friends’ kids definitely wore cuter clothes in more varied colors than my stuff from hand me downs, Carter’s, and Target because that was something the parents cared about AND had the money to choose.

      1. LilySparrow*

        Or indie brands, which can be more expensive but not always. Amazon & consignment stores were my friend.

        We did a lot of primary colors, even after the babies were born. Because I’m just not a huge fan of pink and frills. My kids were on the wiry/muscular side. They were well into the upper percentiles on the growth charts, but they got longer, not wider. So they didn’t really have chub rolls or Gerber cheeks, and frilly pink stuff just looked in them…kinda like a creepy postapocalyptic movie.

        Bright colored knits in mod styles just looked healthier and happier on them.

    5. Buzzbattlecat*

      It’s varied here in Australia, very dependent on where you live and shop.
      The funny thing is though, as kids grow their own preferences come to the fore and the choices you made for them early on have less impact. My daughter is 13, wears athletic gear most of the time, and likes colours I’d never guess or choose (like mustard yellow and navy).

      1. Why not both?*

        We just bought both pink/purple and blue for my brother’s baby, just steering clear of the clothes that literally had ‘boy/girl’ on it. Baby ended up being a boy who wore both colors.
        People definitely though the baby in the unicorns onesie was a girl when the parents took him out in it, but they were good with the ‘we didn’t want to know the sex so we bought a bit of everything, ain’t he cute?’ speech.kiddo’s quite fine and now loves red and orange above all else. With complete strangers ‘yup, adorable’ and not bothering to correct the gender was also a heavily used option because who gives a flick.
        Another couple of friends also dress their daughters in both pink and blue.

    6. ..Kat..*

      Babies outgrow most of the cute clothes they get as gifts within a few months. And what baby really needs an $80 pair of designer overalls that they are just going to spit up on? $80 worth of diapers (or diaper cleaning services), now that’s a great gift!

    7. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Just had this conversation last weekend with my mom at a kids clothing store in Stockholm. My brother is having another kid and I thought it would be fun for mom to take something back from Sweden for them. But even there the clothes are still pretty gendered (they don’t know the sex either) – if not by color then by pattern. Some really cute stuff… would have a dinosaur on it or woodland animals while the girl version would have balloons or something like that. A lot of purple and grey along with the pink and blue, some light greens too.

      In the end she didn’t get anything, but I was rather surprised at how hard it was to find something truly neutral.

    8. Friday*

      We dress our 11mo boy in mostly gender-neutral Cloud Island clothes from Target. So darling! Sure, sometimes he gets girl-gendered but that’s easy to politely correct.

  22. Falling Diphthong*

    Seeking book recommendations.

    • Popular science for very science literate family dipping a toe outside their specialties.
    • Adventure for teen into video games. (e.g. he liked Hunger Games and Maze Runners in their times.)
    • Third category of “I picked it up on a whim and it was great.”

    1. Grapey*

      For categories 1 and 3, “Standards and Their Stories: How Quantifying, Classifying, and Formalizing Practices Shape Everyday Life” by Martha Lampland and Susan Leigh Star is awesome non fiction reading. It’s a smidge drier than outright pop science books, but it’s still for a lay audience and perfect for science literate people.

    2. Middle School Teacher*

      For the second, try Mortal Enginea. Dystopia about cities that roam the world and consume other cities (they’re called urbivores), plus some cool steampunk elements with flying machines, a good adventure story, strong teenage heroes. Plus there’s a movie coming out soon, directed by Peter Jackson.

        1. Ali G*

          Has he read the Ender’s Game series? Or if you are comfortable with something a little darker, the Wool series.

      3. Bagpuss*

        Yes, Mortal Engines is good (and has sequels is he likes it) And Philip Reeve is a lively bloke so your money will be going to a nice person!

        You could also try China Mieville’s ‘Railsea’ or UnLunDun, or Rhiannon Lassiter’s ‘Hex’ trilogy.

    4. StarHunter*

      A couple of recent science books I enjoyed:
      Chasing New Horizons: Inside the Epic First Mission to Pluto by Alan Stern & David Grinspoon
      The Big Ones: Natural Disasters that Have Shaped Us by Dr. Lucy Jones
      Storm Kings: America’s First Tornado Chasers by Lee Sandlin

    5. hermit crab*

      For the first category, maybe The Emperor of All Maladies? I think I may have learned more from that book than from my entire public health degree, and it’s gorgeously written.

      1. TL -*

        Seconding this one! By far my favorite pop sci book, though it is a commitment. The science is spot on, too.

        A shorter, also excellent, totally different one is The Poisoner’s Handbook.

        And finally, anything by Mary Roach will be funny, well written, and informative.

    7. Maya Elena*

      “Antifragile” or “Skin in the Game” by Nassim Taleb. Talks about how the “shape” of risks in a particular domain has to shape – and how frequently we assume something is “familiar” risk, when in fact it isn’t.
      Added a lot of depth to how I think about risks and interpreting evidence, especially in medicine.
      Also changed my mind on a number of issues.

    9. Jerry Vandesic*

      For the science category, I’d recommend “The Perfectionists: How Precision Engineers Created the Modern World” by Simon Winchester. It’s all about how scientists and engineers became much more accurate in making things, from the first attempt at precision cannon boring to the challenges with the Hubble telescope. When I was reading it, I would often come back to the thought that this would have been a great book to share with my father (a scientist) when he was alive.

    10. Llellayena*

      For the teen:
      Invitation to the game, by Monica Hughes
      Ender’s Game, by Orson Scott Card
      The Worthing Saga, by Orson Scott Card
      Www: Wake, by Robert J Sawyer (first in a series)
      The Divergent series (similar to Hunger Games but SO much better written)

      Randomly picked up: Stories of your life, by Ted Chiang

    11. Seeking Second Childhood*

      For the teen–
      By Garth Nix: Sabriel. Lirael. Abhorsen. By John Flanagan: The Ranger’s Apprentice series (book 1 Ruins of Gorlan)
      World War Z. (The book is world’s better than the movie.)
      Follow that with a chaser of Studs Terkel “The Good War” to see where the format came from

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Some older non-fiction that has aged well…
        Why Buildings Fall Down. Accessible architectural analysis of catastrophic failures.
        The man who mistook his wife for a hat, by Oliver Sacks. A dive into brain disorders such as aphasia.
        Salt: A World History, by Mark Kurlansky. Not science, but fascinating.

    12. Minocho*

      1. I loved Black Holes and Time Warps by Kip Thorne in high school – good physics discussion up through general relativity, with a lot of history and personalities of physicists thrown in (Kip Thorn did his graduate studies with Stephen Hawking, they were friends, and he was the physics consult for the movie Interstellar).
      1. I also love Brian Greene’s physics books – they go beyond general relativity into string theory. There were some analogies he used in the general relativity area that spoke to me better than Kip Thorne’s.
      2. I found Ready Player One very fun. The book was more fun for me than the movie, though I did enjoy the movie.
      2. They’re long books, but I love the Expanse series. The TV show is AMAZING too.

  23. I am still Furious!! (Rebecca)*

    Final Divorce Update – Divorce is final. The final decree was signed on Nov 27, 2018. From now on…I’ll post under my normal posting name, Rebecca.

    I called the courthouse on Nov 27 and talked to a nice person in the Prothonotary’s office, explained the situation, and she said she’d check on it and call me back. About 10 minutes till 5 PM, she called, said it was done, and even though she was leaving soon, she’d stamp and notarize it so my attorney could get it to me as soon as possible. I was able to get the front page scanned and emailed to my HR team on Thursday, so I’ll be off the hook for employee/spouse insurance costs from now on. My 401K and life insurance paperwork is filled out, dated, and signed, so I’ll be sending it to HR on Monday.

    I took yesterday off from work and stopped by my attorney’s office, picked up the actual paperwork, and here we are.
    I feel relieved, scared, happy, sad, anxious, etc. all at the same time. I thought I would feel differently, but I don’t. So time to take stock, figure out how I’m going to pay the second half of the settlement next June 30, and deal with my mother. I could write a blog about her.

    I have a happy update about my old house, I stopped by last night to pick up a few stray pieces of mail and to drop off paperwork about homeowner’s insurance, and the new owners have so much done, new windows, drywall, ceilings, it looks totally different. My Black Cat is so good! He’s taken to them, and they have him spoiled. It was so great to see him, and I was able to hold and pet him for a while. It’s weird, out of all the things that happened, I was most worried about him and what would happen to him when I couldn’t bring him with me to Mom’s, and he’s just fine. So glad about that.

    I also spoke to my sister in law, and asked if she saw her brother/EXH at Thanksgiving, and she said she didn’t even invite him, so no. That sort of says a lot right there. I haven’t heard anything for a while, and hope not to. I’m done. I called his attorney’s office and told them not to send paperwork to the old address any longer, as it wasn’t being forwarded, and he won’t give me his new address, so they need to call their client and get his new address for their records. I didn’t have to do that, but I don’t want to have to go pick up stray mail, and I told the new owners to feel free to mark “return to sender” on any first class mail that still appears for him.

    I have to pass on a funny story! Thursday at work, I found a men’s wallet today while I was walking during break time, called the police department, and they dispatched one of our neighborhood officers to get it from me. Officer was very nice, asked a lot of questions, thanked me for helping, and then I walked him out to the door. After he left, one of my coworkers asked “was that guy married?” And I said, I have no idea, why? And she said, well, he looked to be about your age, and you’re divorced now, so you should see if he’s married. I said yes, he was a pleasant enough soul, but I’ve been divorced for less than 48 hours, so let’s give it a few minutes more at least, and if he wants to ask me out, he has my name, address, phone number, date of birth, and knows where I work. I guess I hadn’t thought about the matchmaking aspect of this by well meaning coworkers and friends :)

    Now I’ll be able to start a new year with a new life and a new outlook. Moving forward! Thank you ALL for all your kind words, suggestions, support, and just listening to me, I can’t tell you how helpful it was. I am very grateful to have this place to discuss things like this. It really means a lot.

    2. Nerdgal*

      Great update. I’m so happy for you!
      Had to Google “prothonotary” so thanks for the new word too!

    3. Falling Diphthong*

      Congratulations. Especially glad the cat has landed on all four feet and is ready for a refreshing nap.

    4. Max Kitty*

      So glad the paperwork is complete and you can move forward. Especially glad to hear about Black Cat, too.

    5. Hermione Langstrumpf*

      I’m so happy for you! I’ve been following your story and just want to say how great it is to have such a positive update.
      You have handled everything which such grace. Wish you all the best in your new life. Internet hugs from across the ocean.

      1. Jessi*

        Me too! Your ex was such a d*ck and I’m so glad you are free of him now and can move on with your life!

    10. Villanelle*

      I am very happy it is all final now Rebecca and wish you all the best on this new chapter of your life going forward.

    11. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      SO thrilled for you!!!! Amazing how much more stable your life already feels knowing you now have your adjusted paycheck safely ‘in hand.’ It’s more than symbolic – your financial decisions are your own to make. (no surprise atm withdrawals…). Woo hoo. You’ve been an inspiration!

    15. Rahera*

      I’m so happy for you. (Normally lurk but this is worth delurking for.) I’m very glad your cat is so settled, and you can set your mind at rest about him. All the best to you, and congratulations on your freedom :).

    16. Jenifer Crawford*

      Woo hoo, congratulations! Went through a divorce myself a few years back, and definitely in a much better place now.

    17. Not So NewReader*

      I am so happy for you. You sound great. I love the part about “let’s give it a few more minutes at least”. Your humor is working, that’s terrific. So glad to hear about your cat and your house. I read stuff like this as little signs, “Keep going forward, don’t be afraid, try! and it will be okay.”

      You were mentioning the mixed bag of emotions. That’s pretty normal for many things, very little is all happy or all sad or all whatever. So much is just a mix of emotions. It means that you are a human being and you are thinking with your head AND your heart. And it also means that you have a bigger picture focus here. And probably he does not have such a focus, which is sad, predictable and maddening all at once.

      Well done on calling the court on Tuesday. ;)

      Life, bring on the next chapter, Rebecca is ready.

      1. Rebecca*

        Today I laid on my bed and cried for a while, then got up and ate lunch, went to town for a few groceries, etc. (my Smother tagged along and made it infinitely more stressful than it needed to be and I didn’t have time to shop or browse, as she “didn’t want to hurry me” but when she’s standing at the door pointing at the car, well, you get the picture). Back in my childhood room now, feel like crying again, so I guess I just have to work through all of these emotions that I’ve kept at bay for the last 14.5 months. Trying to focus on the positive things, though.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          She’s a version of him all over again. NO doubt in my mind you’re crying. One day at a time, right? You got blindsided with him but this is not blindsiding you. You got your eyes wide open. This will be different, some times just being different can be a form of small relief. Build yourself a small but key group of people (including professionals) who know/see where mom is at.

          FWIW, I called mine a smother, too.

        2. Ali G*

          This sounds akin to when I hit a stressful time at work, lots of travel, etc. and I just hit autopilot for like 6 weeks, and then as soon as I can stop, I get sick. You’ve been pushing yourself to get this sh!t done, and now that it is, everything is hitting you at once. It’s normal, give into it when you need to and just continue to take care of yourself.
          Sorry about your Smother.

        3. Rogue*

          It’s okay to cry. Don’t beat yourself up about it and let yourself feel free to feel whatever mix of emotions you need to. You will be just fine. I want to thank you, you inspired me and helped give me courage to leave an abusive relationship. Unfortunately, I too am back home. It’s hard. I left years ago to get away from this and now I’m back. It’s frustrating. I’m looking for work, but it’s been tough. I’m running out of money and although I won’t go hungry, I have pets counting on me. As stressful as it is, look at what we’ve already overcome! We’ve got this! It WILL be okay!

    23. Sparrow*

      Oh congratulations! I can hear the relief/freedom in your writing, it’s so good to hear after such a saga! Thank you for sharing with us and I hope you enjoy your new set of possibilities!

    26. Woodswoman*

      This update is fabulous–I did a happy dance for you!

      I’m happy for so much good news–your contented kitty, not having to pay EXH expenses anymore, the kind people who have your former house. And I’m thrilled to hear that you contacted EXH’s attorney and got yourself out of the loop for the logistics of his life once and for all.

      The mixed bag of emotions you shared makes a lot of sense. You’ve gone through an intense journey over many years and it’s natural to feel sad even while you’re relieved. I hope you can be kind to yourself and not judge any of these feelings as right or wrong, and just accept that they’re all part of being human.

      I wish I could take you out for dinner to celebrate in person–sending my best to you from the West Coast for the next steps of your journey!

      1. Rebecca*

        Thank you so much! One of my friends offered to take me to lunch on Friday, we were both off work, to celebrate, but that got sidelined by Mom’s elderly cat needing emergency vet care. Turns out cat’s thyroid is overactive. That’s a whole other bucket o’ drama.

        I’m sure to post updates moving forward! So many encouraging words from everyone, it’s helped so much.

    27. Close Bracket*

      Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

      Go ahead and feel whatever you are feeling. There is no right way to feel.

    28. AnonAndOn*

      I am so happy for you, Rebecca! That’s a huge burden off your shoulders. Glad to hear that it’s over and done with.

    30. Dan*

      Congrats.

      Even if you don’t feel much, it’s still nice to know that you’re legally free from these leeches. There’s a peace of mind, even if you don’t have a rush of feelings. My biggest worry was that after I signed over the car to my ex, was that if she were to have gotten in a bad accident and wasn’t insured, and my name was still on the title, that I’d have the paperwork nightmare from hell proving I had no responsibility.

      Dating advice: Give yourself some time to do whatever the heck you want and spend your own money on whatever the heck you want and not have to worry about what other people need or want. Or cleaning up after their irresponsibility. It’s kinda nice. I’m five years into it, and it hasn’t gotten old. In fact, it keeps getting better.

      Date advice #2: It’s going to take some time to get back into the game and get comfortable with it. While you’re getting back on your feet, realize that hitting on people at their job is a no-no. I realize the rules could be different with the gender roles reversed, but for guys it’s a huge no-no unless you know what you’re doing. Even still, it’s a safe bet that if someone is in a position such that they’re being paid to be nice to you, they’re being paid to be nice to you. Along those lines, I would think it would be highly inappropriate for a cop to use information he learned from the job (e.g., your contact info) for his personal use. I just don’t see a situation how that ends up working well for him, and all kinds of ways that gets him in real trouble.

      1. Rebecca*

        All sage advice! My female coworkers are thinking way to hard about this – and I was joking when I said that he has my info and knows where I live, etc. That would be way inappropriate. If we met at a baseball game or at the grocery store, went for coffee, etc. that would be a lot different. This would be creepy. Right now I want friends that I can do things with, like hiking or biking, watching football, going to a movie, fun things, and people I can actually talk to and have an adult conversation with. I miss that about living at my friend’s house. She was there, people came to visit, I could talk to people in the neighborhood, it wasn’t so isolated. I was still sort of lonely, but not like this. I’ve been getting out and about in my childhood neighborhood, stopping and talking to people, fussing over their dogs, renewing connections, etc. It’s going to take time. Plus, I’m looking into a volunteer organization after the holidays are over.

        Right now you’re right – I need to focus on doing things for myself, chief among them getting money around for the last half of the settlement. And finding ways not to be isolated in my old room like Rapunzel.

    31. ..Kat..*

      Congratulations, and best wishes moving forward.

      As for crying, this is like grieving over a death. You will mourn what could have been. It will get better. But sometimes, seemingly out of the blue, you will be hit with great sadness. This will also get better, happening less and less, at greater intervals, with less intensity. Be kind to yourself. You deserve it. And just like after a death, the recommendation is that you don’t rush into anything (a whirlwind romance and marriage, a big financial decision, joining the monastery, you get the idea!). And we at AAM are here for you whenever you need us. You are strong and brave and smart and beautiful and resourceful.

    32. Jean (just Jean)*

      One more congratulations! (I was completely unable to post yesterday.) Enjoy your newfound peace of mind and feel proud of yourself for surmounting the many logistical, financial, and emotional challenges of improving your life to this point. Also, thank you for sharing your story. I think your determination rubbed off in the sense of “(Grumble) I don’t want to slay my own particular multi-headed monster, but I could follow Rebecca’s example of methodically attacking one head at a time.”

    33. Kathenus*

      Rebecca – this may be too late for you to see, but a big congratulations from me too. So many of us have followed your journey and marveled at your resilience. You have and are dealing with the ups and downs of difficult circumstances and your strength shows through it all. I know that this doesn’t suddenly wipe away all of life’s challenges but you’ve done so much to get to this place and I wish you the best going forward.

  24. Quagga*

    I recently had a baby (yay!) and have developed something of a platonic crush on one of the nurses who works at the clinic I attend for pre- and post-natal care. She was not my OB or midwife, but I did see her on a weekly basis for several weeks where she would do stuff like run basic tests and make notes in my chart. She was a lovely reassuring presence and made me feel better about various concerns I was dealing with both during the pregancy and post-birth. I intend to write her a gushy thank you note, and part of me wants to add a “PS – Call me maybe!” to the end of it. So I figure my options are as follows: 1) Write the note and mention that I hope we keep in touch and drop my contact info, 2) Write the note and mention that I hope we keep in touch and let her reach out to me, as she would have access to my contact info via my records (but possibly a breach of patient info?), 3) Write the note and keep it warm and appreciative but professional and privately get over this crush like any other hormonal teenager.

    1. foolofgrace*

      I am very doubtful she would look up your personal info (#2). I would go with #3 unless you had various intense conversations on topics that were not pregnancy-related, like baking or football or something, and you definitely clicked that way. Then I’d go with #1.

    2. Wild Bluebell*

      Aw, this is cute, but I’d say option 3 is the best choice.
      There’s no particular reason for her to keep in touch with a patient. She might even think this is unprofessional.

      Congrats on the new baby!

    3. Midwife*

      I’m a midwife and it’s really common for patients to want to stay in touch after their care with us is finished. Lots of midwives do stay in touch with clients, and some become friends with clients – there’s nothing in our professional guidelines that says we can’t, as long as the relationship isn’t romantic and the patient has left our care. I personally don’t usually become friends with clients because I really enjoy being part of their care and love that the work that I do lets me participate in people’s lives in the way that it does, but that’s all I really want to have. My relationship with my patients is founded on the principle that I’m always available to them and that their needs are the basis of the relationship – it’s tough to make the transition from that into a friendship, and I’m just not very motivated to because I don’t really feel a lack in my private life as it is. I know that lots of my colleagues feel differently, though.

      It’s worth examining whether you think that you and your nurse hit it off on a personal level (like, you found out that your interests are similar or that you do lots of the same stuff, you share a sense of humour, etc.) in a way that might make a continuing relationship reciprocal for her, or whether you’re really happy with the care she gave you and enjoyed having her as a resource and a support, and you’re sad about letting that go. (Which is totally OK! We love it when patients feel that way! It’s just not a good basis for a friendship.)

      It would DEFINITELY be a privacy breach for her to use your private information to reach out for personal reasons, so she won’t do that. If you feel like you want to pursue being in touch outside of a work context, put your email address in the thank-you note. Regardless of whether or not you decide to do that bit, she will for sure immensely appreciate your heartfelt thanks – it’s one of the best parts of the job.

      1. hermit crab*

        Seconding that this is super common and can absolutely end well, if handled appropriately. I’m the child of a super-friendly OB/GYN who “lost” a lot of patients to friendship over the years – that is, they became real friends of our family so they had to get their medical care elsewhere. I think Midwife’s comment is spot on.

      2. Quaggaquagga*

        Wow, thanks so much for your perspective, much appreciated. Also, thank you for the work you do! To be clear, my midwife will also be getting a gushy thank-you note. The work you guys do is amazing.

        1. Midwife*

          I feel very lucky to be able to do it! Best job in the world, as far as I’m concerned. :) And a big congratulations on your new baby; I hope you enjoy this challenging and unique moment!

    4. Asenath*

      Send a nice note and let it go. I don’t want to rain on your parade, but it’s not unusual for people to feel strong (but usually temporary) attachments to medical caregivers, and for exactly that reason there are usually strong rules against medical professionals contacting patients for social purposes – ESPECIALLY if they use contact information gained through their work to do so.

      1. Book Lover*

        Yes – I found out that a patient’s husband died tragically (it was in the national news). I cared for her and had met him so I looked into whether I could pull her records to send her a sympathy note. I was told that this was not permissible (though I could use public sources to find her contact information).

    6. ..Kat..*

      Go with #3. As a nurse myself, I can tell you that her getting into a relationship with you is unprofessional and unethical. She could lose her nursing license. As nurses, we can become very close with our patients – we often see patients at their worst and most vulnerable. We care deeply for our patients and do our best for them. To go from this to a romantic relationship would be taking advantage of a patient. Please do write her a note telling her that you appreciate the wonderful nursing care you received (an example or two is always nice), but don’t try to take it any further. I have notes from decades ago that I still treasure.

  25. Alice*

    Have you ever used an online cobbler? You send them your shoes, they repair them, then send them back.
    My local cobblers are not good, and I have a big bag of shoes waiting for me to find a decent cobbler somewhere.

  26. Ali G*

    Warning! Food/diet/weight loss below!

    Hi – has anyone done Whole30? I want to do it, and am in the process of recruiting my husband (no kids). I think he will go for it, but my problem is the start date. I originally wanted to start after the new year, because we will be home and not working for 4 days so we will have time to prep and address last minute details (do we lock the wine fridge??).
    But now I am thinking January isn’t a good time. I know there will never be a good time, but in January, there are football playoffs (we are big fans), I have a Board meeting (2 nights of dinner/drinks out), Hubs has a bit of work travel, and I just found out that my (thing we don’t talk about today) Holiday party will be in January. So I am OK with not starting until February (because really, nothing happens in February and March anyway), but I am worried that delaying it so long will put it off indefinitely. Also I won’t have the luxury of more than a weekend off to prep food and the house.
    Any advice?
    Should I start testing recipes out in January (or now) even without being formally “on Whole30?” I’m a pretty good home chef already, so I am not so worried about the cooking part, I think it’s more of a mental thing in not having the prep time I was initially thinking about.
    Thoughts?

    1. ATX Language Learner*

      I’m always a fan of balance with limitations. My diet is mostly whole 30 but I enjoy the fun meals and wine within reason. I would say it’s 80% whole 30 and 20% cheese + wine + fun meals :)

      If I know I’m going out to eat with friends on a Friday or Saturday night, I’ll do mostly clean eating throughout the week. If I know I’m going to have my normal sweet treat Wednesday indulgence, then I won’t eat the cookies someone brought to work.

      Perhaps a lifestyle of whole 30 + fun meals within reason would be better?

      1. Ali G*

        That was pretty much my lifestyle before the last 2 years. They were pretty hard on us and we didn’t deal with it well. Also, I didn’t mention this previously, but my husband is probably lactose intolerant, but keeps drinking milk. He’s also a sugar addict. I wish it was as easy as just going back to the way we were before, but I think we need a little tough love instead.

        1. ATX Language Learner*

          Good habits take some time to set in and bad habits take time to go away. After a few weeks of healthy eating it will feel normal to you again!

          As for the curbing sugar, I’ve done several sugar detoxes and after a week of zero sugar (including most fruits), you stop craving it.

          I love tough love and I have friends who need to be babied and supported when they go off the rails. In reality, you are in charge of whether or not you meet your goals and making excuses to not achieve them doesn’t get you anywhere. I’m a pretty productive person and have a lot of self control in my eating habits as well as exercising and when friends ask me how I do it, I always respond with something along the lines of “if you look back at the last year on what you’ve done to achieve your goals and the answer is nothing, then that should be your motivation.” It’s hard to get started and hard to stay consistent but it’s the only way it works. Skip the trendy diets, food blogs, forums, and focus on healthy eating, low sugar, portion control, and exercise and that will create habits that will last a long time.

          I like the idea someone posted about myfitnesspal. Entering in all the food you eat can really be eye opening.

    2. Kristina88*

      Is there a reason why you want to do Whole30 in particular? Like eating healthier or weight loss? You might want to check out the MyFitnessPal forums- lots of great information. And if weight loss is the goal, it is by far the best app for calorie tracking.

      1. Ali G*

        Hubs and I have really gone off the rails, health-wise. We drink too much, too much take-out, and generally just not taking care of ourselves. Weight loss would be great (and needed), but mostly we really need the physical and mental reset.

        1. Kristina88*

          I’ve been there! I used to have fast food or take-out literally every day for dinner. What helped for me personally was to start by logging what I was eating. That in turn made me more cognizant of my food/meal choices, which led to better decisions about taking care of myself. If you don’t want to start any real changes until the new year, it wouldn’t hurt to start keeping track of what you eat now if that is important to you. You may find yourself organically morphing into a better way of eating or at least being extra cognizant of portion size, etc.

    3. WellRed*

      A friend recently lost 10 pounds on what she called the Whole29 ; ) I see no reason not to start incorporating a few recipes now, ahead of your start day. I think February seems a little far off.

    4. Jessi*

      There will never be a good time!

      Start in January.
      You have a couple of options: a) let these dates happen as normally while telling yourself life happens, b) put a plan in place to stick to the whole 30 while these events happen.

    5. Theguvnah*

      I’ve done two rounds of whole30 and plan on the next in January.

      While there is never a good time, January is better than usual because there is a huge #januarywhole30 movement so lots of ideas and support to be found online. Plus so many people do drynuary (dry January) and other diets so people get it

      For me, I could find a reason every single week to not do it so I just plunge ahead anyway (I travel at least twice a month for work). That said you have to set yourself up for success. Have you read the book and other blogs or resources

      I don’t think you need to test recipes just make sure you buy the food and do whatever you can to kick it off like roasting tons of vegetable and chicken

      Good luck. It really did change my life and let me uncover some food related health problems and I feel so much better

      1. Ali G*

        Yeah I know there is never a “good time.” I’m reading the book now and I want to commit. I need my husband to read the first part (I’ll do most of the cooking so he only needs to read the first part), and agree to commit with me. We really need a shake up, and he likes meat so I hope he gets into it too.
        That’s interesting about the all the stuff going on in January. I hadn’t thought about it that way. I wonder if I can recruit some other football loving friends to get together for Whole30 game-watching (or at least booze free!).
        Thanks!

    6. TootsNYC*

      “But now I am thinking January isn’t a good time.”

      What is it that the Whole30 folks say?

      “It is not hard. Don’t you dare tell us this is hard. Quitting heroin is hard. Beating cancer is hard. Drinking your coffee black. Is. Not. Hard.

      So, just pick a time and do it.

      Figure that you’ll fumble your way into it at first, and stop being a perfectionist.
      Go! Fight! Win!

      1. ..Kat..*

        Interesting perspective. I think the hardest thing is to just start. And if you have four days in January where you know you aren’t going to Whole 30, that is still 27 days where you do Whole 30. Which is vastly better than zero days of Whole 30. Don’t wait to start until you feel you can be perfect. An imperfect start is better than no start. And yes, recruit some friends to join you. The support of friends is amazing .

        To paraphrase General Patton: an imperfect health improvement plan executed vigorously now is better than a perfect health improvement plan executed later.

    7. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      W30 can actually be pretty forgiving once you get past the first week and get some coping mechanisms/systems in place and find some recipes you like. Also, once you dry out from the booze/sugar/wheat its incredible how fast you just don’t feel like eating anything containing them, and your appetite starts to change (for me its a few days). So you could very well have gotten over the hump, so to speak, before some of these events and will then likely make decent choices based on not wanting to break your streak or just not feeling it (or feeling so good you don’t want to mess it up).

      There are a lot of websites and recipes out there now that can help with making on-plan dishes for things like tailgating and the like. You may want to use December to start trying out recipes and/or making double recipes (and freezing half now) to eliminate extensive prep-work in January.

    8. Thursday Next*

      FWIW I started an elimination diet two days after I decided to do it. I had been thinking about it for a long time, but the more I tried to plan and schedule, the less any start date looked right.

      One morning I got up and decided to start that weekend, which would give me enough time to shop but not enough time to back out. It was during my birthday month, during which I usually take myself out for some fun meals; I had a couple of social events then; and it was also the time my brother’s family was visiting from out of the country, so there were several large family get-togethers, as well as planning meals for them (that I couldn’t eat) when they were our houseguests.

      But I made it work. I told myself it was time limited, and there would be other parties, and that spending time with my brother’s family was fun in itself.

      I suppose my point is that in my case, waiting for “the right time” meant I spent a couple of years not doing it. YMMV.

    2. MissDisplaced*

      Take a granola bar along with you. As soon as they finish sticking me, I start eating it. Otherwise, I get a headache.

    3. nonegiven*

      You know what? No. I am not fasting. I’m not driving over here fasting! I will never be fasting again! Deal!

      1. Jaid_Diah*

        LOL, they’re just down the street from me. And I did eat some pumpkin seed cookies afterwards. It’s just that I can only go on Saturdays and they don’t open until 8.30. I had to schedule for 10.30, they’re so crowded.

  28. Handy Nickname*

    Thanks for the answers to this one last week, folks! I’m throwing it out here again earlier in hopes of catching a few more.

    What are your favorite easy recipes? I’m a big fan of things with short ingredient lists and minimal prep time and like a mix of ready in 20 minutes and longer oven meals.

    1. Ali G*

      Oven-baked quesadilla – it’s also a great way to use up leftover meat (if you eat it). The basics are:
      2 large tortillas (I use whole wheat but whatever you like is fine)
      Shredded cheese
      Veggies – I typically use spinach, onion, mushroom, and anything else I have laying around
      Cooked meat
      Olive oil in a mister, or cooking spray
      Parchment paper
      Preheat oven to 425, and put in a metal broiling pan while it heats. Spray one side of one tortilla and put sprayed side down on parchment. Layer cheese, then veggies (season with salt and pepper), then meat, then more cheese. Top with other tortilla and spray top.
      Once oven is heated and pan has been in there about 5 min, put quesadilla (with parchment) on the pan and cook for 20 min. Let sit 5-10 min before cutting (I cut into 6 wedges). I top with greek yogurt, salsa and chopped scallion.
      You can sub the bottom layer of cheese with avocado or refried beans (just be sure to season it!), and if you like heat, add some pickled jalepenos to the veg layer.

      1. Handy Nickname*

        Ooh that sounds great! I love quesadillas, but it’s been a while, and I’ve never tried them in the oven. Thanks!

    2. Turtlewings*

      Mexicorn Casserole!

      Cook one packet of yellow rice according to directions on packet. Frankly this is the hardest part.

      Add 1 can Mexicorn (drain the water from the can first) and 1 can cream of chicken soup, mix thoroughly. Put in casserole dish. Layer 1 cup shredded cheddar cheese on top (or more if you want).

      Bake… hmm, this is from memory, but I think it’s at 350 degrees for 20-30 minutes. You want the cheese on top to get nice and crispy, or at least I do.

      It’s one of my favorite dishes in the world!

      1. Handy Nickname*

        I love this! I started making it after you shared it in an open thread a while back and it’s actually what prompted me to come back and see if anyone had any similarly easy and delicious recipes I could adopt.

      2. ..Kat..*

        Rice can be cooked ahead of time! I cook up a great big batch once in a while. Then put what I consider a dinner’s amount into ziplock baggies, gently press them flat and get the air out. Then freeze. The flat, thin freezer shape thaws quickly for use. Also works well with quinoa.

      3. curly sue*

        I found out what mexicorn is, but what is ‘yellow rice’? Google is turning up a bunch of different recipes, but nothing that involves packets.

        1. Turtlewings*

          It’s also called saffron rice, the yellow comes from saffron. The most popular company that makes it is Mahatma. Googling “mahatma yellow rice” brought me tons of the correct result.

    3. Not A Manager*

      Easy chicken breasts: Boneless breasts, some kind of onion thing, some kind of herb, some kind of flavorful liquid, butter, oil, lemon juice, S&P.

      Set your oven to a temperature between 350 – 425 degrees F. (You don’t have to wait for it to pre-heat, just turn it on before you start anything else.). Liberally salt and pepper boneless breasts. Saute in oil over medium heat in a heavy-bottomed frying pan just until they are a little bit brown on each side. Remove to an oven-safe plate and put them into the warm oven.

      Chop up something like an onion and some kind of herb. (Oniony thing could be onion, shallot, leek, or even garlic; herb could be dill, basil, thyme, cilantro, etc. If you don’t have a fresh herb, use about 1/2 tsp. of a dry herb.) Adding more oil if necessary, saute the oniony thing until it’s quite soft. If necessary, put a cover over your pan and let it steam a little bit.

      Pour a flavorful liquid into the pan. It could be leftover red or white wine, low sodium chicken broth, or a splash of brandy. Let it simmer while you scrape up any brown bits stuck to the pan.

      Now check your chicken. It should register about 155-160 degrees F with an instant read thermometer, OR you can poke it and see if the juices come out mostly clear, OR you can cut it in half and look at it. Put the chicken and any juices back into the pan, increase heat to medium-high, add a generous knob of cold butter and your herbs, and cook until the butter has melted. Add a good squeeze of lemon juice and taste to correct seasonings.

      If you start a pot of rice when you start the chicken, it will all be done at about the same time. If you’re making pasta, bring the water to a boil before you start the chicken. Green beans or broccoli are quick and easy with this.

      You can adapt this recipe in many ways. Add some chopped tomatoes and/or capers and/or olives. Saute some mushrooms. Add chopped greens such as spinach, kale or arugula. Grate some parmesan on top. Add some red pepper flakes at the beginning, or use ginger and soy sauce.

    4. Alpha Bravo*

      Chicken and biscuits. Mix up a can of condensed cream of mushroom soup in a baking dish, throw in any veggies you like (I often just use sliced mushrooms, because I love them) and some chicken breast cutlets (I like to season with garlic, pepper and a little smoked paprika). Bake at 350 for about an hour. Pull pan out of the oven and increase oven temp to 450. Mix up a batch of baking powder biscuits (I use a Betty Crocker recipe but there are also instant mixes) and top the mixture in the pan, leaving a little space between each biscuit. Bake for 12 minutes or until brown. Yummy.

    6. neverjaunty*

      This may sound weird but I swear it is good:

      2-4 boneless chicken breasts or thighs
      1 12 oz can of frozen orange juice
      1 envelope onion soup mix

      Thaw the juice or run under warm water until you can dump it out of the can. Mix well with the onion soup. Put the chicken in a baking dish, pour the orange-onion mix over it, and bake at 350 for 30-45 minutes until the chicken is done.

        1. neverjaunty*

          You can also use 2 envelopes of soup mix if you want it to have more of a ‘browned onion’ and less citrus flavor.

    7. Qosanchia*

      My actual favorite recipes take 1-1.5 hours, but prep enough that I go on leftovers for the week. For a super quick meal, I go with fish and something salad-like.
      I get a filet of salmon or something from the grocery store, heat a frying pan on a medium to medium-high heat with a bit of oil (usually olive, but I use avocado if there’s been some on sale recently). Once the oil moves pretty freely, I just put the fish in, skin down.
      Move the pan around a bit so the skin doesn’t stick while it’s heating up, then salt and pepper the top side, and put some slices of lemon on top. Cover the pan and let it cook until it’s pale on top.
      Ideally, the skin gets real crispy and the fish is somewhere around the medium range of cookedness.
      Then I just eat with a small pile of spinach or other greens with a dressing or oil, salt, and pepper.

    8. Margali*

      Eggroll Skillet
      ★★★★★
      Servings: Serves 6-8

      Ingredients:

      1 tablespoon olive or vegetable oil
      1 pound ground pork
      1 medium yellow onion, diced
      1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
      Freshly ground black pepper
      3 cloves garlic, minced
      1 tablespoon minced peeled fresh ginger
      2 (14-ounce) bags coleslaw mix
      2 tablespoons tamari or soy sauce
      2 teaspoons chili garlic sauce
      2 teaspoons hoisin sauce
      1/4 cup thinly sliced scallions
      1 teaspoon toasted (Asian) sesame oil
      2 teaspoons rice vinegar

      Directions:

      Heat the oil in a large frying pan over medium-high heat until shimmering. Add the pork and onion, and season with the salt and pepper. Cook, breaking up the meat into small pieces with a wooden spoon, until the meat is cooked through and the onion is tender, about 8 minutes.

      Add the garlic and ginger and cook until fragrant, about 1 minute. Add the coleslaw mix, hoisin sauce, chili garlic sauce and soy sauce and cook, stirring occasionally, until the cabbage is crisp-tender, about 3 minutes. Remove from the heat, add the scallions, sesame oil, and vinegar, and stir to combine. Taste and season with salt and pepper as needed.

    9. HannahS*

      Scrambled eggs with buttered toast. Or throw some spinach and/or mushrooms in the pan before adding the eggs and sprinkle on some cheese, and ta-dah, you’ve got you’re vegetable, protein, and carb.

      Roasted vegetables: Cut up some mix of vegetables (eggplant, zucchini, mushrooms, onion, pepper), toss with olive oil and salt and pepper, roast in a 400 degree oven until browned and delicious (crank up to 450 if your oven sucks like mine). Serve with goat cheese and bread.
      Or, do the above but add a can of diced tomatoes (drained) and some chunks/shreds of cheddar and serve over brown rice.

      Cut up some potatoes and carrots, and have some chicken thighs. Sprinkle everything with salt, pepper, paprika, and garlic powder. Toss with some oil. Put it on a pan so that the chicken is resting on top of the vegetables. Roast until the chicken is done and the vegetables are soft (figuring out how small to cut the vegetables is a matter of trial and error). Possibly serve with something green.

    10. Kuododi*

      I actually have signed up for the free email service on theendlessmeal dot com. They will send recipes two or three times/week. They are very easy, two or three steps at most. Lots of veggies and lean meats, most are either gluten free or easy to convert without needing a quick degree from C. I.A. They are also labeled if they are whole food, Paleo etc compatible. Enjoy!!!

    12. Ginger ale for all*

      Mike Modano had a recipe in the Dallas Stars cookbook that came out about 20 years ago. I don’t use the exact measurements he had but I am sure they are on the net somewhere. He called it Chicken Diablo.

      You take a baking pan and butter or spray Pam on the bottom. Then take honey and yellow mustard and squirt it in the pan until you have enough to make as much sauce as you want. A fifty fifty mix is good to try first, you may want sixty forty the next time, flex it as much as you want. Shake some powdered curry on top and mix until blended. He gave precise measurements but I just put in as much of each ingredient that I want. Put raw chicken in and toss to coat evenly. You can use chicken breast or thighs. Thighs are cheaper. Bake at whatever time and temp you would for plain chicken.

      If you make too much sauce and know this before you bake it, toss in a few handfuls of white rice and it will cook when you bake the chicken. If you think there is too much sauce after you make it, you can serve it over pasta.

      I have toyed with the idea of using Dijon mustard for this but I usually can get almost free yellow mustard with double coupons from the Sunday paper printed before Memorial Day and using them for the July 4th sales so I use the cheap stuff. This recipe is pretty good to use when you cook with kids because you don’t dirty up too many pans and you just only have to be careful about the raw chicken. I have served it to young kids and they had no complaints. I imagine you could add chopped onion if you have any you need to use up.

    13. Gingerblue*

      Hominy and tomatoes. All you need is a can of hominy, a pint of cherry tomatoes, and some oil or butter. Drain and rinse the hominy and wash the tomatoes and heat your oil in a large skillet. Saute the hominy in the oil, and after a minute or two add the cherry tomatoes. Saute until the hominy is heated through and the tomatoes char a little and split. Season them with salt and pepper. This is usually all I do, but some herbs or a can of green chilies or some melted cheese at the end wouldn’t go amiss.

      Easy greens and bacon: Take a bunch of hardy greens, wash them and tear them into pieces. (I like mustard greens for this, but kale, etc. are fine.) Put them into a slow cooker or a large stockpot with a little water. When I use my slow cooker, the water clinging to the leaves from washing them is enough. Add a splash of apple cider vinegar to the pot. Chop a few slices of bacon into bite-sized pieces and scatter them over the greens. Cook on low heat until the greens wilt and the fat has rendered from the bacon to season them. To reheat, fry them; the bacon pieces get nice and crispy this way.

  29. Mimmy*

    Looking for purse recommendations –

    I need something that can hold not only the usual things a woman may carry, but also my assistive devices (I am visually impaired). I carry a hand-held magnifier, a monocular and a white cane (for unfamiliar settings). But I also want to be safe, especially if I’m in a large setting like New York City. I am also on the small side, so something bulky would be a challenge to manage.

    Thanks!

    1. fposte*

      Do you have a materials preference? I love leather but I’ve given up on it–the lighter weight and durability of nylon bags make them winners for me, and they’re much more compressible than leather. I like the Baggallini bags, which come in many different sizes and pockety considerations; they’re sold on Amazon and ebags dot com, among other places. You may want to play with configurations–I suspect the cane would be easier to manage in a tote style bag, but that starts running a bulk risk, so maybe a smaller tote or a more vertically oriented regular bag?

      1. Blue_eyes*

        Agree on nylon bags from baggallini or ebags. I have an eBags brand purse that I got for travel a few years ago for like $35 and it’s been really durable and surprisingly spacious considering that it doesn’t look large at all.

    2. ElspethGC*

      If you want things with a surprising amount of space and a lot of handy pockets, Kipling bags are fantastic. So many pockets. I have a bag that looks like a cute casual bag for maybe a phone and a makeup bag, but it can fit an entire paperback book.

    3. Ranon*

      I’d look at purses designed for travel and agree that nylon is probably a good bet- Ebags has a house brand (also Ebags) that tends to be a bit more affordable than other brands like Travelon. I have one of their relatively modest sized cross body bags and it currently has my bike water bottle in it and so many pockets I have a pocket devoted entirely to napkins. It also has a padded soft sunglasses pocket which is great for stashing fragile things.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Does the cane fold or collapse in some manner?

      Do the magnifier and the monocular have hard shell cases that you keep them in?

    5. Jenna Bee*

      Hi Mimmy- I highly recommend Pacsafe (www.pacsafe.com) bags and purses. I do a lot of international travelling and these have never let me down! They might be a good fit for what you’re looking for. The bags/purses have a lot of built in safety features (like the ability to hook your purse on to a chair/shopping wagon and “lock” the strap, cut-resistant straps, RFID blocking, and more). Most also seem to have a light layer of padding which I appreciate as someone who carries a lot of stuff all the time! Good luck on your search.

    7. ..Kat..*

      AmeriBag Microfiber healthy back bag. The microfiber makes it more lightweight than other materials but is very durable. Teardrop shaped, comes in many sizes. I love mine!

  30. Myrin*

    We found a new flat!

    I actually purposely haven’t talked about this at all on here yet because everything was still a bit up in the air, but I finalised the agreement with our future landlords on Wednesday.

    I don’t quite know the proper English terms for this kind of stuff, so I hope this doesn’t come out all wrong, but here goes: our current landlady canceled our lease in August (? I think). Since we’ve been living here for over ten years now, we have a notice period of nine months, meaning we’d have to be out by June. However, we were blessed by fate and when I talked about it at work at the inn literally three days after we got the notice, my boss went “Hey, how about [married couple who are regular guests]? Aren’t they looking for a new tenant?”

    My boss can be a bit overzealous and apparently called the prospective landlord the very next day to enquire and the guy himself called me the day after that and promptly invited me to have a first look at the flat. And guys, oh my, you guys, it’s so beautiful! It’s slightly smaller than our current flat but such high quality! The couple renovated everything, they’re very friendly and agreeable, it’s on the very edge of town basically in the middle of the woods with no neighbours, and we get to keep the garden and a garage and a basement and so far, it just seems really, really awesome. (I’ve moved often enough in my life to know that of course stuff will crop up over time. I’m not unrealistic, but I can basically say for certain that this will at least be a glow-up.)

    That was back in September. My family finally got to take a look at it as well ten days ago and were excited and loved it just as much as I did. I signed a pre-contract on Wednesday so yay, I’ll be making a big move away for our penny-pincher landlady and our annoying neighbours and the non-funcitoning heater (the new place has a fireplace!) and we’ll finally have a dishwasher again! Our first month there will be March but the landlords were glad to let us already bring stuff over starting in mid-February so that we won’t just have like one weekend where we have to cart everything over at once.

    I’m so happy and, above all, so relieved!

    1. fposte*

      That sounds like a beautiful outcome. When you’re settled, you could send your prior landlady a nice passive-aggressive thank you note :-).

    2. Lissa*

      Yeah, that’s awesome!! What a relief too, to have a potentially really bad thing turn into what looks like an improvement.

    3. Gingerblue*

      Wooooooooo! Apartment hunting is the absolute worst, and I am so very happy you found something great with minimal looking. (I have a fireplace this year for the first time ever, and it’s awesome.)

    4. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      That’s awesome – flat hunting is a pain in the ass, especially to find something decent and quiet!

      We have to start looking soon as I am Fed Up with our neighbors, not to mention all the little niggly things in this place starting to drive me nuts. The phrase “pennywise and pound foolish” springs to mind – while our landlords are decent, they also haven’t put money into this place in a LONG time and its really starting to show. I could put up with the 15-yr old bathroom and the marks on the walls if the neighbors weren’t a bunch of partying 20-somethings, or vice versa. But now its just worn me down after two years (along with other things like commute, neighborhood, etc) and for what we are paying I suspect we could do better somewhere else.

      I’ve often found the best places through word of mouth (even this place.. before next door moved in last October), you had an excellent result!

  31. Rhymes with Mitochondria*

    Did you relocate to another city/state/country while pregnant? What things did you do before the move to prepare, and after the move to make friends/get settled? Won’t have family or friends in the new place.

    1. Madge*

      I didn’t. I actually had baby fever really bad when we were talking about relocating but I counted forward and realized I didn’t want to risk being pregnant while moving so we decided to wait until post move and by then I was over it.

      But I did move with a toddler so I can offer some tips on meeting people. Check and see if your new town has any newcomers clubs and mother’s groups. There’s Mom’s club international and also MOPS. Also look for Music Together classes and see if your local health clubs offer baby gym or swim classes. Some places have organizations that offer early childhood classes for parents.

    2. Amy*

      When I got pregnant I was living in a new city where I had no friends or family (we had recently moved). One of the nice things about having a baby is that it gives you a really good avenue for making new friends. I looked up and joined a local mother’s group and also signed up for some post-partum mother/baby groups. Often there is a free one run by the hospital where you deliver, and I also attended a paid one run by a social worker at a local nonprofit dedicated to supporting new moms. I met some awesome people there, who I still keep in touch with even though we have moved away. Obviously you won’t click with everyone – it’s basically a group bound only by the fact you have a baby the same age – but the emotional support is so important as you come to terms with such a major life and identity shift. It’s also really nice to just go chill with your newborn in a place that’s not your house, but also not somewhere where you have to worry about keeping the baby quiet or covering up while breastfeeding.

      Many of these groups allow you to attend when you’re late in your pregnancy, and there are other classes (like prenatal yoga, which I was terrible at but enjoyed nonetheless) where you can meet other pregnant ladies.

      Good luck, and congratulations!

    3. Overeducated*

      Yes. Didn’t do much before the move to prepare. Physically couldn’t help much with moving at 8 months pregnant, so we hired some helpand i worked on deep cleaning while others carried furniture. Also had to line up a pediatrician in new area ASAP.

      My saving grace after the move was finding a local new parents’ group that met weekly with newborns. I made a lot of local acquiantances and friends with kids the same age in the new area and it was so so helpful. It was through a local nonprofit called the City Family Network, I think other local cities had them through Jewish community centers and in my current city they’re basically private parent-run groups, so it’s worth looking around a bit to see what is in your area.

    4. kittypurry*

      Moved countries at 7.5 months. Didn’t do much to prepare -but didn’t buy any baby stuff till after the move. As others have noted, joined a baby play group, but I didn’t really meet anyone there. Tried to join post-natal yoga but got kicked out before I could meet anyone. (they said “babies 4 months to a year”, but they meant “babies 4 months till crawling”. So .. my baby crawled at 5 months, and I only got to go twice before being invited to not return). Otherwise babytime at the pool or library or hanging around playgrounds. I didn’t meet any friends till my kid was 18 months, but at least it gave me adults to talk to.

    5. Anon for this*

      I know a few people who deliberately didn’t move countries during a pregnancy (as in their spouse put off starting a new job for months, or they moved separately) because of issues with health insurance coverage, so that’s something to check. The problem was that the national health insurance in the new country took a while to kick in, but any temporary insurance you could get to cover the gap didn’t cover existing pregnancies.

    7. Cambridge Comma*

      I was supposed to but was told to never be more than 20 minutes from a hospital owing to serious complications seen on an early scan. This made moving impossible. So bear in mind that you can only plan so much.

  32. Fellow Traveler*

    Any suggestions for board games to play with a group of 7 adults? Our family is getting together for the holidays and I’d love to have a game to pass the time. My parents don’t speak English very well, so a game which is not dependent on clever linguistics or pop culture references, would be best.
    Happy December, everyone!

      2. tangerineRose*

        Jigsaw puzzles are fun, and they don’t commit people to the whole game, the way board games do.

      3. JxB*

        2nd vote for this. We had an extended family get together at a beach house and took a jigsaw puzzle. Everyone really enjoyed it. We did a fairly complex 1000 piece and it took 2-3 days with different ones working on it pretty consistently. I knew we’d need to clear the dining table for meals so took a large piece of foam board – creased/folded so it fit in my car. That’s what we assembled on. As we started organizing loose pieces by color or someone working on a particular part of the pictures, we used a couple of plastic IKEA trays (and also a cookie sheet or two from the kitchen). So when dinner time came we were able to carefully relocate it all to the coffee table with little effort.

    2. Tort-ally HareBrained*

      One of my favorite blogs, Love & Renovations just posted a list of their top 40 recommended board games yesterday. You may check it out to see if any for your needs. They have a huge personal collection of games so should know about group sizes too!

    3. heckofabecca*

      Exploding Kittens?

      One Night Ultimate Werewolf doesn’t have clever linguistics or anything, but it does involve a lot of communication, so that may or may not work. Other than that most of the games I know only go up to five or six players… Good luck!

    4. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      Don’t rule out games with die/dice. Played some a couple years ago in a group of 12 (2 groups of six, etc), with quarters? And / or spoons? There are some ways to do lots of things that don’t involve reading a language…

      Also look up icebreaker games.

      Depending upon the generations you can get involved… it may be that you want to try having a sheet /list to sign and complete for each person with “unique fact” (find someone who has lived in / been in more than # countries; who knows 2 languages + X). And no using the same person for all the slots. Or have each person interview someone they don’t know well, who is more than 10 years different from them in age… and summarize to the whole group one thing they learned about the other they didn’t know (a pair game).

      Lastly, for many years we had a multi-generational bingo game after the big dinner, with small prizes wrapped and handed out by great-grandma. (deck of cards, etc) . I actually gave a bingo-ball cage / game setup to my sister in law for a gift before her big family descended, so she could continue the tradition. As soon as little ones recognize numbers, they can play. Only works if there isn’t so much dysfunction that it disintegrates from competitiveness or sore losers. YMMV.

      1. Anona*

        Though with settlers of Catan you’d need an expansion pack and even then I think it only goes up to 6. Not sure about ticket to ride.

    7. Overeducated*

      Bang is a good group game that plays seven. Seven Wonders does as well, Coup is fun for a party game but only plays six.

    8. LizB*

      Seven is a tricky number for board games (most of my biggest ones only go up to 6). Sushi Go Party! is probably a good bet — it doesn’t depend on language, and is quick to learn and play. You could also do something cooperative, like Forbidden Island or Pandemic, where there might only be a certain number of people “playing” but since everyone is working towards the same goal, you can all discuss moves. Not exactly a board game, but jigsaw puzzles can also be good for a big group, especially if you’re together for a longer amount of time and can put pieces in sporadically when you feel like it.

    10. Colette*

      We didn’t play test this at all is a good, very random game – good for filling in 5 minutes here or there.

      Codenames works for up to 8 people.

      Taboo, charades, and Pictionary are good group games.

      1. Aealias*

        Code names also has a purely pictorial version – better for your language restrictions, and I actually find it a better game overall.

      1. Auntie Social*

        It’s not a board game, and it’s kind of an industry thing, but we play “Recast”. You have to recast a classic movie using actors from today. Or you can narrow it down, like “Gone With the Wind” with the cast from Big Bang Theory. There aren’t any winners, which is good, and people are always laughing throughout.

    13. gecko*

      Options:

      Pit Crew—high stakes real-time board game about racing some cars. It’s a little stressful and might be tough to explain to people who haven’t played any board games before.

      Bohnanza—game about trading and negotiating. The theme is beans! You plant beans, and can engage in cutthroat economics.

      Bunny Bunny Moose Moose—very light game, good for kids. You have to put your hands by your head to imitate ears or antlers as cards appear on the table, everyone ends up looking goofy :)

      Sushi Go Party — a bigger version of the great game Sushi Go, where you collect sets of adorable sushi cards.

      I’d put Sushi Go Party at the top, and then in second Bohnanza if your family likes to argue or Bunny Bunny Moose Moose if you’ve got younger children playing. You can look these up on shutupandsitdown dot com (board game review site) or boardgamegeek (database) for more info. Shut Up and Sit Down would be a great resource!

      Have fun!

    14. Fellow Traveler*

      Thanks for the suggestions! I’m having a great time procrastinating by looking these up.
      For those who have done puzzles- what would be the suggestion for puzzle size (number of pieces)? I have done them casually but am by no means terribly experienced and I feel perhaps the rest of my family is the same. We’ll be together for 2-3 days.

      1. Ali G*

        I would do 1000 min. But if you are worried about finishing, look for one with a lot of contrasting colors so it’s a little easier to separate out the pieces and work in sections.

      2. TootsNYC*

        we do a jigsaw puzzle at work (there’s always one in progress), and we find that it’s hard for more than 3 people to work on it at once.

        It can, however, be worked on by SOMEone at ANY time, which means everyone feels a little bit invested, etc.

        1. TootsNYC*

          also–I would say that since you aren’t there for a week, go for two 500-piece puzzles. Then if people love the activity, they’ll finish one, and do a second. And the first one has a better chance of actually being finished.

    16. Haru*

      How about Mysterium? It plays up to 7 people and it’s language independent once you explain the short, simples rules.

    17. Ginger ale for all*

      If you have toddlers, my niece knew how to play Uno before she was potty trained so if you want to have a deck around for those times when the young ones need to be occupied, this would be a cheap option. It helped her learn her numbers.

    18. WannabeBoardGameAficionado*

      Seven players is tough, but there are some decent options. In rough order of rules complexity.

      Tsuro
      (More of a “we’ll play a few rounds while we decide what we’re actually going to do” game. It will probably take longer to explain the rules than to play).

      Once Upon a Time
      (Card-based competitive story telling. Not everyone’s cup of tea, natch.)

      Codenames
      (Requires a knowledge of English words, but you don’t have to be a living thesaurus.)

      Formula D
      (Race cars around a track. Dice-based.)

      PitchCar
      (Race cars around a track. Dexterity-based — your ‘car’ is a disc that you flick around the track.)

      Citadels
      (The second place my mind goes when asked for a seven-player game.)

      7 Wonders
      (The first place my mind goes to when asked for a seven-player game.)

      Diplomacy
      (A classic game, and one that arguably should only be played with seven players. It’s pure negotiation; a side effect of that is that one may find oneself lying to ones opponents. Some families can handle this, some can’t; be certain which yours is before playing. Also, it’s about the major powers dividing up Europe in the years before the First World War. Topical, as we’ve just passed the 100th anniversary of the end of that dismal event, but perhaps not for everyone. Longish, at 6+ hours.)

      Sidereal Confluence
      (Trading game with asymmetric player factions. Unlike many trading games, deals are binding in this one. Each of the factions does have a half page of text explaining how they’re different and offering advice on basic play. Don’t know if your family will want to spend 1.5 to 3 hours (depending on how much talking happens) talking and trading.)

      1841
      (There aren’t many people who really like a 6-hour (or more) game of stock manipulation set against the backdrop of mid 19th century Italian railroad development. I happen to be one such; perhaps your family are as well. Expensive and often has a production delay, so it’s probably unavailable in a timely manner. Seriously though, this is way up there on complexity curve. It does, however, match the criteria you specified.)

      1. Koala dreams*

        Tsuro is a lot of fun! It’s short so people can leave or join easily, and it doesn’t require any language skills.

    19. ..Kat..*

      Many libraries in the USA have board games and jigsaw puzzles that you can check out! Just make sure the box contains all the pieces before game night.

    20. ..Kat..*

      Many libraries in the USA have board games and jigsaw puzzles that you can check out! Just make sure the box contains all the pieces before game night..

    21. Seeking Second Childhood*

      PigMania– dice…but the dice are little plastic pigs and the score combinations are jokes. (If the dice are touching it’s called Makin’ Bacon.)

      Cosmic Wimpout. Strategy AND randomness.

      Munchkin from Steve Jackson Games usually caps out at 6, but I bet you could find a way to make it work…maybe let your parents be a team?

    22. MattKnifeNinja*

      We played Uno with the English language learners at my elementary school. For seven people you use two decks.

      What is nice is you don’t need a whole lot of explaining, and you can modify the rules. We never played for points.

      We also played a lot of Bingo. A Bingo set isn’t pricey. You can print cards off online. You can use chips, dabbers, scratch off the numbers with a crayon…

      I know you asked specifically for board games, but 7 is a little to big for most. Uno and Bingo can expand to that number easily. People can talk or not talk. Neither are hard to learn. And neither are uber competitive.

      For Bingo, you could have little ornaments or things like small tubes of lotion, soap, small bottles (airline size) of alcohol as prizes. Have a prize table and let the winners pick.

  33. Myrin*

    I wanted to give a big Thank You to the crowd of AAM for really teaching me how to stand your ground online while staying diplomatic, polite, and personable. I’ve used it very successfully just yesterday and promptly stunned the other person into silence (I mean, I’d like to think that my argument convinced them but from some other previous interaction, I honestly just think that they don’t know how to handle anything that is disagreeing with them but not in an aggressive manner).

    What I mean specifically is stuff like “I promise I’m not being sarcastic when I ask this” or “Wait, re-reading that, I realise it might come across like I’m scolding you, which isn’t the intent”, stuff like this. I’ve never before encountered that on any other website and it’s honestly given me a lot of confidence in my online interactions. I’d especially like to credit Alison herself with that, as well as the excellent fposte, PCBH and Natalie, who all were and continue to be fantastic rolemodels when it comes to this!

    1. fposte*

      I’ve learned from some really good people, so I’m glad I could pass it along, and I’m honored to be in a group with Alison, PCBH, and Natalie!

    2. ..Kat..*

      I agree. AAM, with Alison and the wisdom of too many commenters to mention, has made me a more effective communicator (and therefore a happier person who gets what she wants more often in a nicer way) and a better person. Alison sometimes says she doesn’t know why this blog is so popular or why it has lasted so long. I think the answer is that many of the questions are not just work based. They are dealing-with-people based. And life, inside and outside of work, is about dealing with people. Most of us just want to effectively talk with other people in a way to maximize getting along without being door mats. And this is hard. Even if you grew up in a semi-normal family. Even harder if your family took the ‘fun’ out of dysfunctional. Which my family certainly did. And, not only do I get my needs met more often by using Alison’s advice, my coworkers and other people get a nicer, more reasonable me to deal with. Win win. Thanks Alison. And thank you to all the kind, insightful commenters who have helped me be a better version of me. And who have been understanding and forgiving when I don’t express myself well and come across as an a$$hole.

  34. Michaela Westen*

    Does anyone have suggestions for how to meet people in a neighborhood where the only social venue for adults is neighborhood bars? No music venues, no social clubs, all the organized activities are for children and families.
    I live here for the good commute to work and it’s an excellent building. I have one friend one neighborhood over, and the rest of my social life is in a different part of the city.
    I’m a little particular in who I want to be friends with. There has *never* been any shortage of needy people who want to spend all their time with me, but I don’t want to spend all my time with them. My friend in the next neighborhood is like that, but she’s good about being patient and respecting boundaries.
    I want to meet friends nearby who are competent in life, not messed up on drugs, to hang out and share with a few times a month, without giving up time with my other friends.
    What do you all think?

    1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Meetup? Local hiking group? Group biking or running? Softball team? Adult Ed classes? Meeting people for sporty activities seems easier but if that’s not your thing, there’s Meetup or volunteering or maybe local gardening/crafting groups or work with a local theater or performing arts group as a volunteer or player depending.

      Or you could do one of the dating apps that has friend options like Bumble (I think).

      1. Michaela Westen*

        Thanks! No, I’m not into sports. There are meetups, but none in the neighborhood last time I checked. I’ll look again.
        The thing about a dating situation is men *say* they’re ok with being friends, then put moves on me anyway! That’s what happened when I tried the neighborhood bar. :'(

        1. Jessi*

          You could create your own meetup based around something you like to do?

          Is there a restaurant in your area? You could eat apps and knit if thats your thing? Then you could be there from 6-8 and if no one joins you you still had nice food and made progress on your craft.

        2. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

          I think you can put in that you want to meet other women for friends. I haven’t tried it but I think it’s called Bumble BFF. There was a refinery 29 article about someone’s experiences. It’s not for dating at all as far as I can tell.

          1. The Grammarian*

            Bumble BFF is for finding friends only and can limit the gender of your potential friend matches.

    2. Michaela Westen*

      It’s like this: During the week I work and do all my cooking and errands, except I sometimes do errands on Sat. afternoon. Therapy every Tuesday after work.
      On the weekend, usually Saturday night, I travel to see my friends in a different part of the city. That runs very late.
      Sundays I stay home and rest and prepare for the work week.
      I can’t really take on a regular commitment like a class… or something where I have to be out early on Saturday – maybe once but not regularly.
      I’m looking for a less intense way to meet and get to know solid people that doesn’t involve a commitment…
      Do I have unrealistic expectations?

      1. Kristina88*

        I’m not sure what your neighborhood is like, but is there perhaps an HOA or condo board or any building-sponsored events? If so, maybe you could go to those meetings and meet neighbors that way.

        1. Michaela Westen*

          Thanks! I live in a rental in a very diverse inner-city neighborhood.
          I tried one block club and got no answer. I’ll try the other one.

      3. Michaela Westen*

        Thanks everyone for the suggestions!
        “I enjoy meeting people who weren’t actively trying to get their meat hooks into me.” – lol! Me too!!!
        I’ve been wondering why I feel the need for more friends when I actually have a pretty good social life (though it’s not nearby).
        I think it’s because I lived in a 7-flat building for 21 years and got to be friends with several of my neighbors because we would always meet on the stairs. We would chat, hang out in each others apartments, trade cat-sitting.
        Now I live in a bigger building and it’s not like that. My neighbors are cordial, but there haven’t been opportunities to really get to know them.
        I’m going to save this link so I can revisit it for all the suggestions! Right now volunteering with a community organization for fair housing sounds good. I’ve been to one meeting. Their volunteer night is the same night as my therapy, but I’ll see if they have weekend activities.
        If that doesn’t work, maybe the coffee shop or Bumble.
        My local library and park district only have adult activities during business hours! It’s like they’re unaware there might be non-parent adults around in evenings and weekends. Oh well, their loss, I’ll find something else.

    3. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      Have you thought about your full range of interests?
      Think about volunteering?
      Example.. going down to the shelter and socializing with the cats, or walking with the dogs, on a regular basis… you do need to build a habit where you are exposed to people enough so you are approachable, and you get to know them over time with a regular, somewhat predictable rhythm.
      I have a single friend who volunteers at the local shelter for the dog walking – stops on her way home, switches into her sneakers, and walks dogs for her exercise. Win/win.
      Another joined the Sierra club, and volunteered to be the “new member” person (greets, offers info, those kind of things. ) She eventually met the guy who became her husband. Now she genuinely loves the outdoors… so it was a (+). But she was not there to meet him, but to contribute. She was her authentic self, pursuing an interest.
      Alternative two – look at other areas of your life you want to build, and leverage those.
      Example – (younger friend – under 40 widow)… Just joined the gym that some other friends belong to. She doesn’t wait for them… sets her own schedule, takes classes. She does go with various friends TOO when she can… but in the meantime, she is building her own fitness and her own life, without looking to others. She’s becoming the person she wants to be.
      Becoming more knowledgeable on financial topics… take that night class.
      Reading more… You might also look into book discussion groups at the local library. Personally, I did turn off the TV and start reading. (new widow, not helping me to see happy romantic Christmas movies).
      Learning a hobby… take a painting or drawing class or whatever you are interested in doing “more” of or doing better….my former SIL started doing water color painting and now spends quite a bit of time with a fellow group of painters doing painting together. (or quilting, or knitting as others have mentioned).

      YMMV, but growing into new friendships sometimes means you have to give a little on “your” schedule… a small time commitment…. you may need to also look at the options. (I can’t go every week, but it is okay to go 2x a month… I can’t take a semester class, but I can swing a 2 week class… I can’t do the university, but can take the adult night school to learn a new skill).

      Frankly, met (was not looking) a very nice man taking an econ class at the night school at the university. He was just expanding his interests. Looking back, I missed an opportunity there. Knowing yourself and your genuine interests… will help you find ways to grow your life. Just dabble… until you find some thing(s) that work for you!

    4. Loopy*

      My best experience meeting people has been volunteering. I’m not best friends with anyone there but I do feel much more socially fulfilled and it’s very low stress/fun type work. I highly recommend it if you can find something that’s very not-like-work.

    5. Ginger ale for all*

      Look at what lectures, classes, and events your local public library has going on. Also try the local coffee shop and linger with a cup of coffee, making sure to read their bulletin board since so many will have unique things pinned on it.

      1. LilySparrow*

        Libraries often have book clubs that meet once a month or so, on different topics or general interest. That sounds like a pretty good time scale for you.

        Worship communities often have different low-commitment activities for the community as well, like concerts, speakers, making things for charity, Habitat for Humanity, etc. You could check out their online calendars to see if there’s anything interesting. Even if it’s a one-off, you might see some local faces and have the opportunity to chat.

        1. MattKnifeNinja*

          OP, My library has an absolutely huge social calendar for everything under the sun.

          What is nice is you meet low drama people OR the high drama people keep themselves in check.

          I laffed when you wrote

          “I want to meet friends nearby who are competent in life, not messed up on drugs, to hang out and share with a few times a month, without giving up time with my other friends.”

          That’s when I hit the library origami club. I enjoy meeting people who weren’t actively trying to get their meat hooks into me.

    6. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I found my local stitch-n-bitch by sitting in a public place knitting. Someone asked me about what I was doing we talked I said I was looking for a group and she pointed me towards one. Admittedly, that’s easiest in summertime. But it could also work at a diner or coffee shop.

      1. jolene*

        I made two really good friends and a ton of extra contacts from charity volunteering, and got to feel very virtuous along the way!

  35. Still in love*

    I think my relationship is over. How do you know when to stay and went to go? I want this so badly, but I think partner is on the way out.

    1. Turtlewings*

      At the risk of sounding obvious… talk to them? Don’t try to guess what they’re feeling and make huge decisions based on those guesses. Tell them “I want this to work, but I feel like you’re already on your way out, am I right about that?” And maybe they’ll say “I’m so sorry but yes,” and you’ll know it’s over, or maybe they’ll say “No, I want to stay with you, I’m just [dealing with whatever] and I never meant for you to feel that way!” You just never know unless you actually talk about it.

    2. Dr. Anonymous*

      This is so sad! When you feel that you’re doing all the work to save the thing, that’s a bad sign. Having a talk about why you think partner is on the way out may help you both figure things out. Rooting for you!

    3. Michaela Westen*

      I’m so sorry you’re going through this! I don’t have much experience with romantic relationships, but in others I’ve reached a point where I felt like I’d done everything I could and it didn’t help, so it was time to go.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yeah. It takes two wanting to work at it. If one wants to work at it and the other one doesn’t that makes it too hard on the working partner because they do everything.

        I guess I would ask partner if they remember a time when…. and recall some moments where the relationship meant everything in the world to the both of you. Then I would ask if they wanted to give it one more shot just because at some point the relationship was your universe for the both of you. If that appeal does not work, then I guess you just say, “I love you enough to put what you want ahead of what I want.”

        That sucks.

        I will keep my fingers crossed that they say they want to give it one more good shot.

    4. Anonymous Educator*

      I’m sorry you’re going through this. Unfortunately, if your partner is on the way out, there’s really not much you can do. (I’m thinking of the Seinfeld episode in which George wants to break up with his girlfriend, and she just listens to his reasons and decides they aren’t breaking up, and he frustratingly says “Turn your key, Moira. Turn your key!”)

      Would it be weird to bring up with your partner?

    5. Basia, also a fed*

      I agree with the others – talk to him. A friend of mine went through this last year. Her husband was distant and they didn’t have sex for months. She was terrified to bring it up, but when she did, she said she felt like he didn’t want her anymore. He was surprised and said it was because of stress at work (his boss was arrested for embezzlement and he was worried about losing his job). She knew he was upset about work, but thought there might be more. Turns out it was just about work, and once he realized how he was treating her, he started working on changing it. Now they’re back on track and she’s very happy (with an active sex life). This may or may or not be your outcome, but it’s worth asking about before giving up.

      1. StellaBella*

        Sadly, I agree with Don … talk to them nut if they want out, and are not willing to work on things, then there is not much you can do. I was here in Jan 2017. Boyfriend of 3 years said I’d changed and was unwilling to work things out. Turns out, he’d changed and wanted to spend more time with his female colleague, not me. It still hurts sometimes but in many ways I am glad I am single now.

  36. Notthemomma*

    Weather reports had us gearing up for 10+ inches of snow, hoards descended on stores for milk and bread; I got all psyched to be snowed in for a glorious housebound weekend with the hubby; movies, reading, naps.
    No snow.
    Grrrr.
    Guess we’ll carry on with regular errands.

    1. Loopy*

      I hate when that happens!! Happened to me today with rain! I love being able to stay inside during bad weather- it’s such a luxury to know you don’t have to go out and fight weather!

    2. Mimmy*

      That happened a few years ago in the NY/NJ area. We were gearing up for a blizzard but ended up with almost nothing.

      Careful what you wish for though lol! The opposite also sometimes happens…only a couple of inches are expected which then later becomes 6+ inches! Happened here earlier this month.

      1. Ali G*

        Last year in the DC area we were gearing up for a hug snow storm. So much so, that no one thought about the impending ice/snow storm that hit 3 days before – during evening rush hour. It took my husband 2 hours to get home (normally about 30 min), because there was a hill on his route that people were basically sliding back down. It was ridic. Luckily he has 4-wheel drive and was able to finally get away from everyone that was stuck and got over the icy hill.

        1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

          I know it’s a typo but I absolutely LOVE the image of a “hug snowstorm”!

  37. overcaffeinatedandqueer*

    Wife finally got her personal injury settlement from when she badly broke her leg in May 2016. And because the insurance adjuster is
    retiring and wanted the case over with, and the medical bills were also reduced, we are getting *sixty four thousand dollars!*

    We haven’t told our families because mine is too judgy and hers is too poor, so they would always be asking us for help.

    I haven’t been happy like this in a long time. I mean, with my work being slow around the holidays and having to do other things, we have really been paycheck to paycheck and sometimes not able to pay rent on time or just walk into a store whenever and buy a food.

    We have a financial advisor, but mostly we’ll pay off debt that’s unsecured, stuff we owe friends and family, and save some. But, we’ll also put money for rent and car stuff in separate accounts for a few months so as to be able to keep more of our pay and save and/or use it to improve our standard of living. And we’ll finally have a cushion to allow me to take some time off for my anxiety! Previously, I have had little to no PTO and have worked through almost anything. Now, I plan on a week off around Christmas to relax, apply for jobs, and spend time with my good friend who will be in town.

    And due to my incessant begging ever since we went to Kauai, we are going back to Hawaii for two weeks!!! We have also planned some smaller trips- wife is sending me up to Duluth for a night or two by myself, because we both want a bit of alone time, we’re also planning a full weekend there together, she wants to visit her family and alma mater, we want to fly, not drive, to see my parents on the Gulf Coast, and I want to drag wife (kicking and screaming if necessary, lol) to Bemidji, Minnesota for either family camp or the public “international day” that all 16 language immersion camps from that area put on. This is at my old German immersion camp. I just want to show her one of my favorite places in the world and for her to share a taste of that immersion experience so we might later send our niece/nephews or future kids.

    5. TootsNYC*

      would it be better to pay off debt that IS secured?

      Your financial advisor will tell you, I’m sure.

      Congrats, and best of luck–I hope your family can use this money to set yourselves up for a much calmer financial future!

      My folks met at the Paul Bunyan Playhouse in Bemidji–wave hello to the town for my family.

      I spent my summers in college at a church camp in the Okoboji, Iowa, region, and it was a joy to take me husband and kids there for a visit a couple of years ago.

      1. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

        From near there… midwestern girl. Grew up in a town with a lake… just south of there. Great aunt had a cabin on Spirit Lake… and I worked at a church camp at Twin Lakes.

    7. Overeducated*

      I’m so happy for you! I know things have been really tough with the injury and finances and hope this really does help make things right and give you breathing room.

    8. LilySparrow*

      What a wonderful opportunity! I’m happy for you, and glad she is well enough that you can enjoy it together.

  38. Foreign Octopus*

    So I’m currently housesitting for my parents but the issue is that although they’re gone from anywhere between 6-8 months, they are back for the rest of it and we’re living on top of each other.

    Normally that’s fine but I’m having trouble with dealing with how my dad reacts to things. I’m usually okay because it’s trivial stuff most of the time and I can ignore it but, today, I did do something wrong through just a lack of understanding about the issue – I didn’t mean any harm etc., etc., – but he’s just gone off on one and I’ve been banished upstairs like I’m five (I’m 30).

    In any other situation, I’d stand my ground but since I realise that I am wrong here, I’m having trouble with how to deal with that (I can’t apologise until he calms down – he won’t hear a damn thing) whilst also telling him that I don’t appreciate being yelled at like I’m five again.

    Has anyone else experienced this situation? Maybe not the living together, but a parent who still reacts to missteps as though you’re a child all over again?

    1. fposte*

      So he put you in a timeout? Wow.

      I think your options depend on how badly you need this place to stay and what the responses are likely to be on pushback. They could range from “I understand you’re unhappy, Dad, and I said I’m sorry” while you’re wherever you want to be in the house, to waiting until his anger blows over and finding a time where things are going well to talk about some ground rules and policies about living together. Adult children sharing households with parents are all over the cultural map in practices both financial and emotional, ranging from mortgage-share roommates to it’s-just-like-being-sixteen-still arrangements. Think about what you want and what you’re likely to get given the personalities involved.

      Also, IME, telling somebody what you don’t appreciate about their behavior may be true, but it’s not a great way of eliciting change and tends to result in escalation. I might be being overgranular here, since this might be in translation, but in general things that sound like “You’re behaving in a substandard fashion” don’t work as well as “Let’s work toward something better for both of us.”

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        Yeah, the timeout is not fantastic. I feel like I’m tiptoeing on eggshells here.

        Right now, I do need this place badly. My savings have been depleted because of a number of health issues (both cat and human) and we all normally get along well but I can never predict when he’s going to take something well or react as he did today. I do want my own place, I miss living by myself and not having to talk to my parents every day; they’ll be off again full time in April or May but it’s a lot of time, and although they’ll be back and forth, it’s still a bit much.

        It’s just him yelling today brought back very unpleasant memories of my childhood. He was a constant yeller and it’s made my chest tight and I feel sick now that it’s happened again. I thought we were over that because he has mellowed in his old age but those memories are still there, and they’re interfering now.

        I’m trying to tell myself that when I get back from my holiday (a week away) everything will be back to normal but it’s the passive-aggressive ignoring and sniping that I know will happen tomorrow that bothers me. Because of what my parents were like when I was younger, I’ve always (as an adult) resolved conflicts when they occur. I think the ignoring it and letting it simmer away is just cruel but there’s nothing I can do about it.

        I guess I’m just going to have to keep my head down for the rest of the weekend and hope that it’s blown over when I get back but I still hate that I’m doing this at 30.

        1. Jessi*

          Could you do something like house sitting or pet sitting? That would trade you a place to stay and not cost you any money? Even if its not longer term it would get you away from your parents house and give you a bit of space. I’ve never used it but trustedisitters seems like a good site

          1. Foreign Octopus*

            Unfortunately, I live in a country that’s not my native one. This is there home away from home (they split their time but have animals here that need looking after) but I like the idea if I could do it.

        2. fposte*

          Yeah, unfortunately right now you’re not so much housesitting as living with your parents out of necessity. I agree that you’re not going to convert your dad after 30 years to more reasonable problem-solving, but if you think there might be room for movement, it still might be worth opening a discussion. I’d do it when you’re doing something vaguely enjoyable together, preferably not eye to eye, and, if you think you could do it successfully and it would go well, consider leading with vulnerability. “Dad, sometimes it’s really hard for me these days. Would you be willing to talk to me about some things that would be helpful?” Some dads who’ll yell at being lectured will respond to requests for help.

          1. Foreign Octopus*

            I think that’s a good idea. Thanks for your advice. It’s been useful just to talk about it with someone else.

            I’ll probably do that when I get back from my holiday. Fortunately, I’ve just got tomorrow to get through and then I’m off.

        3. TootsNYC*

          but it’s the passive-aggressive ignoring and sniping that I know will happen tomorrow that bothers me.

          If you predict that something like this is coming, can you arrange to just be out of the house? The library, errands, maybe even ask a friend if you can couch surf for just the night.

          1. Foreign Octopus*

            I left the house earlier for a couple of hours but I need to prepare for my trip tomorrow so I’m back.

            I was right about the passive-aggressiveness. He’s just been ignoring me all day and it’s so frustrating. I know he gets this from how his dad behaved but he’s nearly sixty. He really should have better ways to handle conflict that this.

            It’s making feel awful. I’m just waiting for tomorrow and I’ll be gone for a week. My mum seems to think he’ll be over it by the time I get back but, right now, it’s awful.

    2. bunniferous*

      Honestly that would be the end of my housesitting. If you have somewhere to go I would go. You are an adult. And unless you exiled yourself upstairs I would nope right out of there.

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        I agree, and if I had the finances I’d do it but I’ve had some surprises bills this year that have left me without savings and I can’t even pay for a deposit on a flat let alone anything else. I am getting away for a week starting Monday (pre-planned) and it can’t come soon enough for my liking.

        1. valentine*

          Is there no option to live with almost literally anyone else? Would your parents give or lend you a deposit or the cost of a flight to your original country? Is there no one on the planet who could help you escape your parents? They are enjoying kicking you around. Your mom shouldn’t be letting your dad mistreat you. Just because you think you were wrong (I’m not so sure; maybe you’re going by your parents’ definitions) doesn’t mean you deserve to be shunned. If they’re “This is my house and you own nothing” types, they should treat you like a guest, and you don’t banish guests to their quarters.

  39. Anon anony*

    Health question. Apologies if TMI.

    My ENT prescribed prednisone for a sinus infection and I asked for Diflucan because I always get a yeast infection from the prednisone. My doctor argues that it can’t give me one because it is a steroid. I’ve checked online and read that prednisone can cause yeast infections…. Is my doctor correct? Who is right?

    1. Book Lover*

      Yes, of course you can take diflucan if you are on prednisone. I would suggest you talk to your pcp though.

    2. Ali G*

      I have the same problem with antibiotics. I find, for me, the OTC yeast infection stuff works better so I usually just pick that up when I get the RX filled.
      And it might not be that you can’t take it, but maybe that the pred interferes with it, so it won’t work.

    3. TheMonkey*

      Prednisone can suppress the immune system at certain higher doses, so hypothetically speaking, if you’re prone to yeast infections and/or sensitive to steroids, it could increase your susceptibility and leave you less able to fight off/prevent a yeast infection. (Not an MD, but am a veterinarian, ;) )

    4. neverjaunty*

      Funny, but I’m finding statements on reliable websites like the CDC and Mayo Clinic staring that oral steroids can increase your susceptibility to fungal infections (which is what a yeast infection is).

  41. Anon here again*

    I’m too embarrassed to ask at the post office, but for priority shipping, how does it work? Do you just take the boxes from the post office and pay once you send the stuff? Do you pay for them first?

    1. Rebecca*

      I just get the box I need from the lobby area, then take it home, cram as much as possible into it (LOL) and then take it back and pay for shipping. You’ll also get your tracking number at that time.

    2. FD*

      I’m assuming you are in the US? If not, this advice is not relevant.

      Firstly, in the US, there’s three levels of domestic shipping speed for packages (though they can also be used on envelopes).

      1. Ground Shipping (2-8 business days)
      2. Priority Mail (1-3 business days)
      3. Priority Mail Express (1 day guaranteed)

      These are in order of expense, roughly speaking, with Ground being the cheapest and Priority Mail Express being the most expensive.

      In addition, Priority Mail and Priority Mail Express both let you either choose your own envelope/box or use a flat rate envelope/box. If you choose your own, pricing is based on weight; if you use one of their flat rate envelopes/boxes, the price is fixed, regardless of the weight. In most cases, it’s cheaper to use a flat rate envelope/box.

      If you want a flat rate box, you pick up what you need from the post office, take it home, and pack it. Then, you will need to buy a shipping label. You can do that at the counter, at an automated kiosk in a Post Office station, or online. It’s cheapest to buy it online–you get a slight discount, usually about 5% off. You simply buy it on the USPS website, print out the label on normal paper, and tape it to your package. Then you can drop it off at the Post Office or leave it out for pickup.

      In addition, Priority Mail and Priority Mail Express come with free tracking number, so you can tell when and if your package has been delivered. It’s also possible to add additional services, like requiring that someone sign for the package. (This is commonly used when sending notices where you have to prove delivery.)

    3. Morning Dew*

      Make sure the boxes say “Priority Flat Rate” and get the size you need, fill it to the max and take it to the post office. (The boxes are free so just grab whatever you need.) Each priority flat rate box – small, medium, large – has a set price no matter how much the box weighs as long as it’s under 70 lbs. So pack your box and you pay the price at the post office depending on which size you used!

    5. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      * bring home a variety of the flat rate boxes. So you can see which one works best.
      * be creative. It might be that two of their flat rates is less than one of the ground rate/your package. (I paid $50 for my one package… in retrospect, would have been 28 using 2 of their flat rate.. it’s okay to send two to one address… LOL. My brain is too linear).
      * use zip locks and squeeze the air out of soft goods. Roll up, etc. Wrinkles hang out. (I usually put things in a plastic bag overall and seal, in case it gets left in a torrential downpour on a porch/ side yard…).
      * Put an extra label inside, so if the outside label gets torn off, the box still finds it’s way. (Trust me on this).
      * Their box tape is excellent. IF you don’t have any, buy it when you pick up the boxes. (boxes free, tape not). Do not use scotch tape to affix your mailing label.
      HTH!

    6. Anon Anon Anon*

      You don’t have to ask questions at the post office anymore! They have mail kiosks where you weigh your package and choose between all the options. They also have all the basic info available online. And if you can’t find it there, at least you know you have a good reason to ask about it.

    7. TootsNYC*

      and yes, you can just take the boxes without asking anyone. You don’t even have to use them. You only pay when you bring it back to ship stuff.

    8. Anono-me*

      You can ask questions that you feel uncomfortable about asking in person on the USPS website or by calling 800 ASK USPS.

      1. Anon here again*

        The one by me is usually very busy, so I feel bad making people wait. Plus they are sometimes very crabby, so I don’t really want to ask. :-/

        1. valentine*

          If you want to do everything at home and just drop it off or have your carrier pick it up (schedule a pickup online (mine picks up the day after it’s scheduled) or leave it for them), buy a small scale. Order the boxes online (the price will say $0) and your carrier will deliver them for no charge. The USPS site lets you calculate postage, so you can compare whether regular priority is cheaper than flat-rate. If so, cover the “flat rate” wording on the box. You can also use any box you like and order stickers that read “priority”, if you like. When you print the Click-N-Ship postage, it says it’s priority. Don’t worry about getting it out on the date you printed it for. It’s not a deadline/clock and it’ll still arrive within two days.

  42. That's Not My Job*

    I think the holiday spirit has finally hit me. I have a lot of things to be happy about and a lot to look forward to. For the first time ever, we successfully hosted Thanksgiving this year (last year we invited people but no one took us up on it). And even the person I passive aggressively invited (who I thought had moved without saying goodbye and was looking forward to saying “oh, you can’t come because you’re in a different state now? I had no idea!” But actually they’re still around until they sell their house at the end of the month) came and had a blast (are Thanksgiving miracles a thing?). I ordered a Black Friday deal tablecloth for the meet and greet I run and, despite being totally lost due to no graphic design experience, it came out pretty much perfect. I think what really got me in the spirit though, was finally meeting with my mentor yesterday, laying out my concerns, and eventually saying yes to becoming an adoption counselor for greyhound adoption. I didn’t realize how much that was hanging over my head, but now I can relax, enjoy walking in the parade tonight, enjoy becoming a church member on Sunday, and take on whatever the holiday season wants to give me next!

  43. The Cosmic Avenger*

    Has anyone opened or researched a personal donor-advised charitable fund? I’m looking at opening one because it looks easier to donate appreciated stock to a DAF than to try to donate it directly to a few charities. Plus, some smaller charities probably won’t be able to accept stock, that’s probably also a plus in favor of DAFs.

    1. fposte*

      Yup. Did it last year (in a race to get in by the 31st for the 2017 deduction, which I won). I have a lot of assets at Vanguard but opened mine at Fidelity, as a lot of people do because they have a lower minimum for opening a fund and a lower minimum gift. AFAIK they’re the two main players–even on a forum where a lot of people like Schwab I haven’t heard if they even offer the service. And yes, I funded it with appreciated stock. It’s been great–they seem to have every charity I want to donate to listed (I did investigate one possible donation they didn’t have, but I don’t think that was registered) and it’s super-easy. Doing the initial transfer was a little more complicated, so I wouldn’t wait as late as I did to start if you were moving assets from one holder to another, but once that was done it’s been a breeze. I’m now figuring out how much to use per year and how often I want to replenish.

      You’re probably aware of the change on the personal tax exemption that means charitable deductions aren’t generally worth taking until they’re pretty big; that’s definitely factoring into my replenishment plans, since if I can give the same amount in a way that offers a tax advantage, I might as well.

      1. The Cosmic Avenger*

        Hm, I hadn’t realized there’s a minimum, and for Fidelity it’s $50. (We have most of our money there anyway, including the taxable investments that we’d be looking to donate.) But, I did look over our donations from last year, and only 4 were less than $50, so we can just do $100 or so outside of the DAF, or up those 4 donations. I’m not crazy about the 0.6% in fees, but we’re going to be donating around the same amount every year no matter what (well, with a little growth to outpace inflation, generally), so as long as the donated funds make more than bank rate interest it’ll probably work out to be more money for charity in the long run.

        I mostly want to use this to donate stock, since we might as well reset our cost basis anyway while we’re donating money anyway. We’re not looking to bunch yet, although after I do our 2018 taxes we might change our minds.

        1. fposte*

          I just found a chart (in the Bogleheads wiki, of course; I’ll append the link), and it looks like .6 is pretty standard. To be fair, these are fairly high admin vehicles. And it also looks like Fidelity’s $50 minimum is about as low as it goes.

          And yeah, they’re generally a win-win as far as I’m concerned when you’ve got appreciated assets. They’re basically the equivalent of QCDs for the under 70 1/2 crowd :-).

          2. The Cosmic Avenger*

            Ugh…the fee for Fidelity is 0.6% OR $100/year, whichever is higher. So they’re kind of boosting the fees on people who donate less than $16,667, and while we are aiming for something in that area we’re still short of it, so the fee is higher for us.

            1. fposte*

              Right, but technically it’s not your money anymore, really (or at least that’s how I think of it), and for me that’s still less than I’d pay on the capital gains. Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good here.

              1. The Cosmic Avenger*

                OK, it’s done! :D

                I funded it with a bit more than the minimum, which was about what we had left on our yearly giving, and put in an order to purchase that amount of the stock we donated, using the money we had set aside to donate. It feels kind of like money laundering! All of our charitable giving funds next year will come from stock and go through the DAF.

  44. Overeducated*

    My local library has a flyer up for “death cafes” in early 2019, which my husband pointed to and said “that looks like it’s for you.” I find it crazy how little we talk about death as something that we all have to face, not just something that comes up briefly when someone is sick or dies and then we get to ignore for as long as possible. I read memoirs by people with terminal illnesses because I don’t feel like there’s a space for this in everyday life, even church.

    The flyer said it was not a grief support group, but i don’t know if it is more of a space for people struggling with something in particular, like health issues. So has anyone been to a death cafe? What was it like?

    2. ElspethGC*

      Look up Caitlin Doughty/Ask A Mortician/The Order of the Good Death/the Death in the Afternoon podcast – they run death cafes and death salons all over the place. I think Caitlin has an entire video that’s a vlog-style thing from a recent death salon, so check that out and see if it looks like something you’d be interested in. (Just checked; yes, she does it’s the one entitled “Cemetery Turkeys, Psychedelics, & Edward Gorey’s Ashes (DEATH SALON!)” That’s a multi-day event, but it’s a similar thing.)

      But I do know that no, it’s not for terminal illnesses or health problems or grief support or anything like that! It’s kind of an anthropological thing, talking about how death and dying are handled, different burial practices, embalming vs natural burial, how death is treated in the media, things like that. Obviously some people going through problems will find comfort in that sort of thing, but that’s not the primary purpose, other than in the sense that living is terminal and death is something we’ve all got to start thinking about more.

      1. Overeducated*

        Sounds interesting, thanks, I’ll look them up! I loved studying anthropology so if it really is that approach I’d probably get a lot out of it.

        1. ElspethGC*

          All of the recommendations I gave are kind of interlinked – Caitlin is a mortician, runs the Ask A Mortician YouTube channel (aka ‘the other AAM’) and co-hosts the podcast, and is a member of the Order of the Good Death – the latter two also involve a bunch of cool death-y people who are trying to change the way that death and dying is seen and treated in the West. It’s all very interesting stuff, as are Caitlin’s two books. It’s definitely worth checking them out, especially since you’ll get an idea of the sort of conversations that will be going on. The cafe might have speakers, in which case they may have local morticians, death advocates, things like that, or it might just be a ‘have a chat with like-minded people who won’t actually be freaked out when you start talking about death’ – if it’s the latter, most people will probably have watched AAM!

  45. Jessi*

    List of things to do before moving countries?

    I’ve moved countries so many times now I barely need to think about the steps. I’ve a friend who is moving though and I can’t come up with a list of things he might need to do before he moves. Any suggestions as to what should go on the list?

    Or things you forgot to do and desperately wish you had? Things you didn’t think you would need and now do?

    1. International Mover*

      The list must vary quite a bit depending on which country you’re leaving, which country you’re moving to, the reason for the move, what country you’re a citizen of (meaning, are you ex-patting yourself, or returning home, or something else), and whether the move is permanent, long-term, or short-term.

      My spouse and I moved from the U.S. to Canada in 2017. Our to-do list included:

      – Get rid of stuff
      – Put Spouse’s immigration paperwork in order (I’m a citizen, he’s not)
      – Get rid of stuff
      – Engage a Realtor to find a house to rent, so we wouldn’t have to make an extra trip before the move to try to buy a house or condo
      – Did I mention get rid of stuff

      There are also questions of booking your moving company, selling your house, finding a job, and everything, but it’s hard to advise about what kind of timing is best because there can be so many variables.

    2. Sarah G*

      Depending on the country your friend is moving to, there is a great series of books called “Culture Shock” that introduce foreigners to cultural norms, what to expect, etc. when moving to or traveling to specific countries. Someone gave me “Culture Shock: The Czech Republic” before I moved to Prague, and it was really helpful, interesting, and turned out to be accurate! The books are written by different authors, obviously, so their quality varies pretty widely I think, but there are other similar series as well. It also depends on how recent the book was written, and how much has changed since then, but it’s worth looking up the Culture Shock book or similar for the country he is moving to!

    3. Anon for this*

      – forwarding mail. The usual post office forwarding does not apply to international moves, so you need to arrange something else (like having it sent to a friend who will then send it to you).

      – talk to your bank about things like transferring money or maintaining credit cards while living abroad. Talk to a tax person about taxes the transition year, and what to do if you have savings/investments in your non-resident country.

      – check health insurance and related stuff – is there a wait period for local insurance? What can you get to tide you over until it kicks in? Are there visa requirements for the type of insurance you need to have? If you have prescription medications, get a couple months supply before you go, and write down the generic (chemical) name of any over the counter stuff you take. Keep in mind that you might not be able to get some specific medications/supplements in the new country, and there may regulations about how much you can carry in your luggage.

      – figure out how what you’re going to ship and how. Do this in advance, to prevent unpleasant surprises about cost. Check what paperwork you need to ship stuff for customs and any exemptions for moving. Check the electricity in the new country – no point to ship small appliances that won’t run. Stock up on a few plug adaptors for chargers (laptop, cellphone, camera etc) in advance.

      – research cell phone stuff for the new country. In particular, can you get a cheap plan at the the airport to tide you over until you can get a local plan.

      – figure out accommodation. If you aren’t going with an agent or something like that, find some temporary accommodation that will tide you over until you get a place. Check out local expat boards for ideas about what to look for and how much it will cost.

      – in the new country, the first step is usually to get your local ID so you can start doing local transactions like opening a bank account, getting a cellphone, renting an apartment and so on.

      – find a local expat board to ask some of these questions, because it varies widely by country. In Japan, for example, you need to front 6 months rent to get a place to live, which can be an unpleasant surprise, and in Taiwan it used to be really hard to get a cellphone contract if you weren’t married to a local.

      1. Catherine*

        The six months’ rent thing in Japan varies by location, whether you use a local realtor vs one who specifically services foreigners, whether you have a local guarantor, etc. If you have someone local to act as a guarantor and use a Japanese realtor you can get away with paying just first/last month plus key money in a lot of neighborhoods.

        1. Moved 4 times in Japan*

          Yeah this really varies. There are guarantor companies you can also use, though in my experience if this is an option they’ll require you to use that so they can get your fee (your local guarantor person can be rejected due to salary, etc). Key money/deposit can sometimes be negotiated down. I’ve never had to pay last month’s rent up front but key money/deposit is usually about 1mo so it’s basically the same thing. Don’t forget money for your actual key, realtor’s fee, renter’s insurance, fire insurance, building usage fees, parking for your car/bike and cleaning costs you may have to pay as well (not counting mover’s fees!), which they usually don’t quote you until you get to the contract stage. So even if you’re told first month & security deposit & key money (=3 month’s rent), it might be another 2-3 month’s rent for everything else.

    4. kittypurry*

      if you have investment assets, get a list, and their values very close to moving date. You don’t have to sell everything, but you do need to keep track for capital gains/ tax purposes. Figure out what to do with reitrement accounts: what you do will be different if you’re moving temporarily or permanently. In worst case – you think it’s a temporary move, but it’s permanent, you can likely deal with it later, but it helps to have the paperwork in the same place. Find out how to close your bank accounts once you’re away, you may need this. Closing them before you go is best, but is not always possible.

  46. Lissa*

    I need skin care help! So I have noticed that it seems like everyone has a “routine”. I do not have a routine. Do I need one? Ok, a few more details. I don’t wear makeup, except for very special occasions once or twice a year when I can get someone to do it for me. I don’t plan on changing that for multiple reasons – resenting the fact that it’s expected for women, have a vision issue that makes it hard so am not very good at it, etc. I mean none, just to clarify, since some people say they don’t wear makeup then are like “oh except lip gloss and mascara” or “just tinted cream”. So there’s never anything to remove at the end of the night.

    I’m also lucky in that I’ve always had good skin and don’t get breakouts. Buuut, I’m 35 now and wondering if this is something I need to change, and if so, what do? All these things seem like things no men do, so this doesn’t seem to fall under basic hygiene – but even the most no-maintenance women seem to at least moisturize. And many women talk of having massive step routines to me. I … wash my face in the shower. And put on sunscreen if it’s sunny or I’m going to be outside for long. I mean I wouldn’t mind my face looking better, if this is something skin care routines do. I don’t have dry skin so what does moisturizing do for me? Anything? I know these are probably all basic questions that make me sound like an alien.

    Heeeelp! What do I need and why? Do I need toner, night cream, eye cream etc? Do these things actually make a real noticeable difference, or do they just feel nice on your skin and smell good? Do people really see and notice a change? And, is there a big difference between me getting a random drugstore product that’s on sale vs. super expensive stuff? I did a bit of googling and got SO overwhelmed. I can’t afford to try 20 different products to see what works best for me, especially when I don’t even know how I would tell if it “worked for me” in the first place?

    1. Luisa*

      I love my basic moisturizer and gentle skin cleanser; currently I have the Up&Up (Target) oil-free facial moisturizer (SPF 15) and gentle skin cleanser, but you could probably get similar generics from your preferred store. I also just invested in an AHA/BHA/PHA solution from Glossier (the Solution) that I use 2-3 times per week as an exfoliant. (It says it can be used daily but I opt not to/I often forget to use it daily anyway.) I do feel that my skin looks better since I started using the solution; it feels smoother and looks a little more even, at least to my eye.

      I’d suggest starting with a basic cleanser and moisturizer with SPF. In my opinion, anything more than that is totally optional.

    2. fposte*

      1) No, you don’t need a routine. The main thing you can do for your skin that will have longterm effects is protect it from the sun, which it sounds like you’re doing. The rest of it is largely temporary and a matter of personal taste and aesthetics. A lot of people really like it; if you don’t think you would and don’t have any particular problems you want to address, I think you’d get a better ROI from spending your time and money on things that you like instead.

      2) beautypedia dot com is a decent site for getting a combination of expert and customer use reviews of product; just take their reviews of their own brand products with a grain of salt. Expensive beauty products are often made by the same company that makes the cheap products but just under a different badge; the particular market tranche drives the price more than ingredients in most cases. Beautypedia at least has some decent research and science behind some ingredients that can be irritating or valueless for the stated purpose.

      1. Minta*

        +1 for the Beautypedia site. I’ve learned so much from Paula Begoun’s work, the woman who started Beautypedia. She also wrote the book “Don’t Go To the Cosmetics Counter without Me.”

        I do use her products (Paula’s Choice) and others, but that’s second to the fact that I feel very well-informed about how to take care of my skin. I don’t have a single routine that I swear by; I change things up a lot. What I use or do depends on the condition of my skin, if I’m having any specific concerns at the moment, and my energy level. Some nights, I just go to bed (providing I don’t have any makeup on).

        If you wanted to start doing something/s, I’d start with addressing specific concerns–that is if you have any. If you don’t, then it’s probably just fine to simply carry on!

    3. ElspethGC*

      I really think it depends on what you want. Most people that have skincare routines of more than one or two products are actively aiming for something in particular, usually reducing/preventing wrinkles but also related to things like melasma (dark patches of skin; a common problem if you take artificial hormones, have been pregnant or are going through menopause), sun damage, dark circles, spots, acne, dry skin, oily skin, and so on. If you have a specific goal, then you can start looking at things that relate to it. I do wear makeup, and my routine is an eye-safe oil cleanser for eye and lip stuff (because I like wearing glitter on my eyes, and that stuff is hell to get off without oil), a tea tree cleanser for the rest of my face, then a toner, then moisturise. The last two steps are also repeated in the morning before I do my makeup, because my face gets super oily overnight.

      Answering a few of your questions – honestly, I think moisturiser is never going to be *bad* for your skin. A lot of people find night creams too heavy, but a lightweight SPF moisturiser is only going to do good things. Don’t bother spending a ton of money unless your skin has special needs – mine is Olay Featherweight, which is SPF 15 and super comfortable and packed full of things that are good for your skin, and it’s only £15 (I got it on offer for £10).

      It might also be worth getting some sort of exfoliant to get rid of dead skin – I have Body Shop’s Drops of Youth peel, which is a chemical exfoliant that I use in the shower a couple of times a week. Also not horrendously expensive. Use on wet skin, massage into the face, and all the dead skin lifts right off. It’s very satisfying, and really makes your skin nice and soft and even. It’s an easy way to make your face look like you put effort into it. Since lots of exfoliants can be used in the shower, it should be quite easy to add into your “wash face in shower” routine.

      Toner – it’s only really necessary if you use a cleanser with alcohol in it, because alcohol dries your skin out. My tea tree cleanser has alcohol, so I use an alcohol-free toner afterwards to make sure I don’t dry my skin out, because that would trigger it to produce even more oil. (Moisturise even if you have oily skin! It makes it less oily!) Eye cream is for if you want to target that area (dark cirlces, wrinkles) but normal moisturiser honestly works just as well.

      The thing is, there’s *so many* products out there. Retinoids, retinols, vitamin-infused, collagen-infused. But if you don’t want to do what they claim to do, there’s no point in buying them! (Also, don’t buy topical collagen creams anyway. Your skin makes its own collagen. Putting collagen on top of your skin isn’t going to do anything because it’s not absorbable.) But like, retinol creams (Vitamin A) are proven to help reduce fine lines. But what’s the point in buying them if you don’t care about reducing fine lines?

    4. GhostWriter*

      I’ve never worn make-up before and don’t have a complex routine since my goal is just to look clean. I use drugstore products since I can’t imagine spending a lot of money on what I imagine is equivalent quality in many cases.

      I use Cerave’s hydrating cleanser and PM facial moisturizer in the morning and at night through the winter since my skin gets dry. In the spring through fall when my skin is oily I use Cerave’s salicylic acid cleanser (morning) and foaming cleanser (night) with Neutrogena’s hydro boost gel. Year round I use Neutrogena’s hydroboost sunscreen in the morning.

      I like these two brands because I can often get them at Bed Bath and Beyond with coupons and find additional printable coupons for them. (I can sometimes even get store brand equivalents of the Cervave at Walmart.) It’s pretty affordable overall. They’re also fragrance free (except the sunscreen). It seems unnecessary to have a bunch of different scents on me.

      Sunscreen is probably the most important thing to do (everyday, even if you’re just driving to work and even if it’s not sunny), since damage from UV rays causes skin damage that builds up over time and contributes to wrinkles and aging.

      I think moisturizer is important even if you don’t have dry skin. Your skin loses elasticity as you age, and as far as I know, keeping it hydrated and protected before it gets dried out and wrinkly helps more than waiting until it’s a problem. (My aunt and mom are both in their mid-sixties. My aunt only started using moisturizer a few years ago and has horribly wrinkly skin now, while my mom always used moisturizer and has fairly smooth skin. People mistake my aunt for my mom’s mother sometimes.)

      1. fposte*

        There’s not much support for long-term effects of moisturizer scientifically. Not saying it’s impossible, just that the studies don’t seem to find much across the board. (And it’s worth noting that retinol can peel the hell out of your skin in the meantime, so it might not be worth the tradeoff.) A lot of this stuff is also so dependent on individual skin reactions to different substances that it’s hard to predict, too.

          1. fposte*

            Sorry, you’re right; I was conflating Elspeth’s comment, which does mention retinol, with yours.

            Generally the loss of elasticity isn’t related to the hydration factor. Moisturizing can be more significant if your skin is especially thin from medication, aging, or medical conditions (or if it’s just so dry that you tend to crack); there’s also both environmental and genetic and genomic issues that can make a big difference in how sisters’ faces look. Or maybe your mom found a product that works better for her than her aunt’s works for her–who knows?

    5. The New Wanderer*

      I don’t have much of a routine. I found out the hard way that most cleansers and exfoliants cause me to break out, whereas when my skin is left alone it stays pretty clear. My routine, such as it is:
      Wash face with washcloth and water (no soap or cleanser).
      Apply moisturizer*.
      Apply makeup on the five days I’m out of the house all day (powder, sometimes blush, eye shadow).
      I always wash off the makeup at night, but again with just a washcloth and water unless I put on mascara or eyeliner that needs a removal liquid.

      I have a gel that’s good for when my eyes are puffy, it’s very soothing, but I don’t use it regularly.

      The only moisturizer I ever thought made an instant difference was from a sample of some brand that Sephora carried. It was amazing and I planned to buy a bottle next time I was in but it was over $100! So, no. But I did start looking for things with Vitamin C in them after that, since that seemed to be the main differentiator.

      * I do make a fancy moisturizer blend for myself from various drugstore products. I like tinted moisturizer and want at least SPF 15-30, but found BB creams to be too thick. So, I mix my own with plain moisturizer (Nivea), tinted BB cream (Maybelline), and face sunscreen (can’t remember but some drugstore brand, also very thick on its own).

    6. purple otter*

      I would recommend moisturizing daily and facial exfoliation weekly at the very least. The moisturizer protects/adds to your skin’s natural barrier, and also helps with keeping pores look smaller. Exfoliation helps with dead skin cell turnover so your skin looks fresher and younger. I haven’t had much luck with toner, but I’ve found that pricey eye cream does help with my under-eye circles… It’s too expensive for me to use on a daily basis though…

      As to quality, it really depends. You can buy some pretty decent stuff at drugstores or Target, but if you have allergies (like me), you’d probably have to splurge for higher quality stuff. A general rule of thumb I’ve heard is that it takes 2 weeks to know if a product has really worked for you. If you can, I would recommend getting some small samples from Sephora or asking any friends to give you

    7. Canadian Natasha*

      Hi from a fellow no makeup gal! (well, almost. I occcasionally put a teeny bit on for special occasions but on regular days I’m bare-faced.) Here are my tips:

      Don’t moisturise if you don’t need to fix dry skin- unless you do it for the sake of massaging your face (which does have health benefits). Don’t use a heavy cream or night cream if you are at all prone to breakouts because it will almost certainly make them worse.

      Toner is useless: it is basically an alcohol- or acetone- based product that dries out your skin and then people put lotion on to put the moisture back in. Waste of time.

      If you do want to use a moisturiser, don’t bother paying for some expensive brand. They mostly all have the same active ingredients.

      Watch out for cleansers or creams that contain things like walnut shells or apricot kernels as exfoliants. They are very rough on skin (especially delicate facial skin).

      As others have mentioned, it’s all about personal preference. I sometimes use face masks because I find it relaxing (even though it makes no real difference in my skin health). But I don’t use a cleanser because water works well enough when I don’t need to worry about removing makeup. Some people might be horrified by that but, meh, it works for me.

    8. Marguerite*

      I don’t think that you need a routine. If you’re happy with what you’re doing now, feel free to stick with it. (“If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”) If you’re interested in trying new products, I know that you can ask for (free) sample sizes from Sephora and Ulta. I don’t have a routine. I wash my face and put on acne medicine if I need it. If you’re so concerned, you might consider seeing a dermatologist, but that costs money and why load up on products that you don’t need/won’t use. (Though they can give you samples of products and discount cards for prescription medicine, or at least my derm does.)

      1. Ali G*

        I was going to recommend Ulta. I go there monthly for a quick facial and the technician there turned me onto the Dermalociga brand of skin care products. They do a consultation for you, listen to your needs, and recommend certain products. I was just there today for my 3rd facial and my technician was so happy with the improvement of my skin condition. I had noticed already that my skin was a lot more even-toned, less red, and so healthy looking/feeling. I was glad she noticed too.
        I have a bit of a “regimen” but I have skin issues. At 35, you may want to consider what you could be doing to help your skin as it starts aging, but other than that, if you are happy where you are, don’t worry about it!

    9. HannahS*

      I also don’t wear any makeup, so I’ll just share what I do. I’m not particularly interested in skincare as a hobby, and my personal bias is that…I kind of think a lot of it’s just bull trying to convince you that not only can you stop the passage of time, you should avoid any sign of age on your face. And I’m secretly convinced that a lot of products work against each other. My skin isn’t dry, so if I buy and use moisturizer I get greasy…which might lead me to use a toner, which might have irritating ingredients, so now I’m red, so then I wear makeup which irritates my skin and clogs my pores and then I get acne so now I’m using some acne cream…and now I’m using moisturizer, toner, makeup, and makeup remover and acne cream when I might have just left well enough alone. So. My view is that if your skin is generally without issue, all you need is good hygiene and sunscreen.
      At night I:
      1) Wash my face with water and Spectrojel and a washcloth to remove sweat, dirt, air pollution, and sunscreen.
      2) Smear on a medicated cream for rosacea.

      In the morning I:
      1) Wash my face with water and Spectrojel and a washcloth to remove sweat, drool, hair grease, and my medicated cream.
      2) Apply sunscreen. I use the fancy Urban Protect from Shiseido because it’s very matte and I hate the greasy feel of most sunscreens.

    10. Sparrow*

      I’m also a no/minimal makeup person. I don’t break out any more but my skin tends toward oily so I use a face wash every night in the shower (Drug store version of the Neutrogena oil-free face wash, it’s orange and the active ingredient is salicylic acid).
      Otherwise, I just try to be really good with sunscreen, but I don’t believe you need anything else!

    11. anonagain*

      My face routine is washing my face in the shower with water (I ran out of face soap a few years ago and never bothered to replace it) and putting sunscreen on before I go outside.

      My face hasn’t fallen off yet.

    12. MissDisplaced*

      You don’t need a “routine” per se, and washing your face in the shower with a mild soap or cleanser is fine (been using Dove for years). I skip toner. Even if you’re no-makup, most people still do need to moisturize morning and night, even if you have oily or combination skin (they make mattifying serums and balms for oily skin).
      As you get older, you may want a different retinol-based evening moisturizer to help keep wrinkles at bay, so it might be that you’ll end up with different day and evening products. That’s kind of a pain, but it can be hard to find a do-it-all product.
      Eye cream: It’s optional. Depends on need and dryness/wrinkles around eyes. Essentially eye cream is just thicker version of the moisturizer products.

      If you’re not totally opposed to a ‘touch’ of makeup I’d suggest starting with a good quality multipurpose BB cream or tinted moisturizer for daytime with built-in SPF, which can give a hint of color, but is still super-easy and quick to apply and not over makeupy.

    13. Lissa*

      Thank you for all the advice!! I think part of my issue was that all the stuff I read was written by people who, of course, write about skin care so they care about it, like trying new things etc. so my impression was getting skewed that basically everyone but me was doing a 10 step routine. Nice to hear some other no-low makeup people’s habits, and I LOL’d at the comment that was like “my face hasn’t fallen off yet” cause that’s basically me.

      I decided to try moisturizing regularly and see if it makes any sort of difference, so I bought Garnier SPF 15 moisturizer (on sale for $10!), and plan on using that daily. It’ll also help remind me I should really wear sunscreen every day even if it’s December and I’m in Canada! I will see if it does anything. I also might look around and see if there’s something that’s supposed to help dark undereye circles as that’s the only skin issue I really ever think about. I’m still in the mildly skeptical category about how much difference things will make, but I’m willing to give it a shot as long as it doesn’t break the bank!

      People are so right about there just being so much stuff out there, and with the general idea being “try for 2 weeks before you know if you like it” it’s like, ok I need somewhere to start because that’s way too involved/expensive to experiment like I would when trying new food. It’s great to hear different opinions and experiences with even basic stuff like moisturizing, cleanser vs. soap etc cause even trying to google was making me start to get anxious as hell, lol.

      1. Blue_eyes*

        I’m early 30s and just started doing any kind of regular skin care in the past year or two. Like you, I don’t tend to break out and my skin is “normal” as in, not oily and not dry. I mainly do 3 things for my skincare “routine”.
        1. I wash my face with a gentle cleanser like dove white bar soap or Cetaphil face wash in the morning.
        2. Then apply a face cream with SPF – I like Cerave AM face cream or Aveeno Positively Radiant because they are both SPF 30 and I get burned easily. I use the SPF face cream every day even if it’s winter/cloudy/I’m not going to be outside much. One of the biggest things you can do now to keep your skin looking good as you age is to prevent sun damage.
        3. At night, I rinse my face with water (or wash again with face wash if my face feels dirty/greasy/sweaty) then apply a night cream. The Cerave night cream is nice – unscented and not too heavy or greasy like some night creams. In the summer I will often skip the night cream since it’s so humid out, I definitely don’t need more moisture anywhere!

        It sounds like for you gentle cleanser + SPF face cream is a good place to start. Maybe stick to that for a while and then see if you want to add any other products. You don’t have to go from nothing to a 10 step routine overnight!

    14. kittypurry*

      I’m mid-50’s and .. sometimes put a little cream on the dry spots, but that’s it. Maybe I’d look 20 years younger if I had a “routine”, but I could take 10 years off by dyeing the gray, so clearly I don’t care too much. As you say, men don’t do it, so clearly it’s not strictly necessary

    15. Ginger ale for all*

      In addition to everyone else’s great advice, I would consider looking at beautypedia for a good lip balm with spf. My lips get dry and flaky fast without one and I think it would be worth trying for everyone.

    16. Piano Girl*

      I am in my late 50’s. I use a Clinique line because my skin can get finicky. If you go to Nordstrom’s they will give you samples so you can try stuff out. I mostly use a serum, day cream, and night cream.

    17. Red*

      Here’s my “routine”. I don’t wear makeup, and I don’t like buying expensive products, but my face still looks like a face so I think I’m doing something right.

      Morning:
      Wash face in the shower
      Apply sunscreen

      Night:
      Maybe apply moisturizer if my face looks like the cold windy air got to it

      I’m kind of lazy, but it works well for me! No need to do things your face doesn’t require.

    18. LilySparrow*

      I have extremely sensitive skin & have had a lot of issues with breakouts and painful rashes from the ingredients in many skincare products. I used to be only and acne-prone, and now my skin is dry/combination.

      I currently use a non-sudsing mild cleanser morning and evening, a lightweight spf moisturizer with SPF for day, and a midweight night cream before bed.

      I only wear makeup for certain situations, maybe 2-3 times a week.

      I have never been able to figure out a consistent pattern to my reactions, except that heavy fragrances and aggressive cosmeceuticals that are supposed to “refresh” or “renew” are always bad. I will also be fine with a product for a few months and then suddenly start reacting. So I just trial and error products. That gets expensive, so I usually stick to drugstore stuff in case I have to throw away three or four.

      Currently, I’m doing well with a line from Aldi’s called Lacura. Their cleanser comes in a pump, and you can either rinse it off or wipe it off waterless. It’s not good on mascara/eyeliner, so I take that off with a baby wipe and/or Vaseline or coconut oil.

      I also like the Lacura night cream. It’s not too heavy.

      For daytime, I use a store-brand knockoff of Oil of Olay for sensitive skin with SPF. Target has one called Up & Up, and Walmart’s is called Equate.

      Occasionally I’ll use an apricot & salycilic acid scrub – that’s good in the summer when I’m wearing a lot of extra-goopy sunscreen. And to zap the occasional pimple I’ll slap on some salycilic acid spot cream or gel.

      I routinely get mistaken for 5-10 years younger than I am. Not that I worry about that, but it tells me the sunscreen is working, at least!

      1. T. Boone Pickens*

        Some good stuff here. The only thing I would add is to make sure you are sufficiently hydrated, it’s an easy thing to overlook but at the end of the day…our skin is an organ and requires water to work optimally. I also make sure to apply a minimum of SPF 15 daily before I go out.

    19. NPM*

      I am in my early 50s and I have simplified my routine as I have gotten older. Oh, and my skin looks better now. In the evening, I use a cleansing oil and lift/firm cream (see comment about neck below). In the morning, I rinse with water and apply a good-quality sunscreen. When the weather is dry, I will add additional moisture both evening and morning, because I like the way it feels.

      The only thing I wish I had done was to better protect my neck from the sun. My commute for the past 12 years has had me driving right into the sun both directions (thanks goodness for standard time and shorter days, so right now it’s only one direction). It was only a couple of years ago that I started to notice less elasticity in my neck from sun damage and now I put an SPF wrap around my neck when I drive to/from work. I wish I had started doing that 12 years ago.

    1. Foreign Octopus*

      I think this might fall under the work thread, not weekend thread. That might be why your previous comment was removed.

    2. Ask a Manager* Post author

      It actually went to moderation because of the link to the shop, but in general I ask that people not promote their businesses here (otherwise we’d probably get flooded by it).

  48. anon today and tomorrow*

    Sometimes I feel like my emotions are wired wrong.

    I get really uncomfortable with praise. I’m fine with the quick “good job” or “you look nice today!” type of praise, but anything really effusive makes me very uncomfortable. It doesn’t matter if it’s at work or in my personal life, but I really, really don’t like when people compliment me. But I have no problem complimenting other people.

    I have the same reaction when family or friends talk about sentimental moments from our relationship. Over Thanksgiving, my parents were talking about cute things I did when I was maybe 4 or 5 and I was SO uncomfortable with it. I’ve always been really uncomfortable with extreme sentimentality or sappiness directed at me in a romantic relationship, too.

    That’s not to say I don’t have emotions because I tend to feel really strongly about other people. I get intense secondhand embarrassment more for other people while I’m rarely embarrassed about something I did myself. I have a hard time watching movies or TV shows where someone is doing something awkward because I feel so embarrassed for them. And I get really emotional when there’s extreme sentimentality between other people, like to the point that it warms my heart or I want to cry because something is so sweet or emotional. But I’d recoil if those same things were something directed towards me.

    So, I hate all this stuff directed at me because it makes me uncomfortable but I totally get into it when it’s other people. I just…sometimes feel like this is a wrong way to feel because so many people seem to love this type of stuff and I don’t.

    1. fposte*

      I think it’s okay not to like it, but I think there are a couple of things worth exploring more. 1) Even if you’re uncomfortable being complimented, can you accept a compliment graciously? 2) Is there a larger pattern of you feeling uncomfortable about being the center of attention, and is there a risk that that will be an obstacle in getting to some things in life that you want?

      If the answer to 2) is yes, it may be worth thinking about why that is. Is it an impostor syndrome thing where you think you haven’t earned this level of attention? Do you feel like something bad will happen when people are focused on you? How do you feel when somebody flirts with you or shows you romantic attention, or when somebody makes overtures of friendship–does that feel similarly uncomfortable?

      I’m not suggesting any kind of major pathology here–I’m a sucker for flying below radar in a lot of situations myself–but that this kind of pattern can be related to things that have potential to bite you in the butt, so it might be worth thinking about whether they do.

      1. anon today and tomorrow*

        1. Yes, I have no problem accepting it, but internally I’m just waiting for it to be over but I will start to get fidgety if the praise goes on too long.

        2. I definitely don’t like being the center of attention, but I think it’s because I know what I’m good at, so I feel uncomfortable being praised for something I already know? For example, I won some awards for my master’s thesis and it was nice to have that acknowledged, but I already knew I was smart and that my research was unique and worth pursuing, so having people praise me for it felt like overkill? The same thing goes for jobs – I know I’m good at my job I’ve been in, so I feel awkward when someone spends five to ten minutes telling me how good I am at my job.

        I’m fine with friendships, but I do get uncomfortable with intense flirting (I’m good with lowkey and casual flirting, but I get super uncomfortable with the type of flirting where it’s a barrage of “you’re so pretty/etc” and I can’t stop blushing).

        I think if I look at it more closely, it’s because I grew up in the “everyone gets an award!” generation, so effusive praise sometimes feels false. I was always the smart kid in the classroom, and was often stuck with the kids on a less advanced learning path to even out classrooms, so everyone was given the same type of praise. I pretty much grew up pursuing things I wanted and not things that would make others proud of me (because while their pride might be nice, I didn’t do it for recognition. I did it for myself or because it was an issue/event/person I cared about).

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Feel the feeling, whatever that feeling may be?

      It’s true that there are some people who love praise and there are other people who love praise to the point that it’s a mental health issue.
      You don’t have to love praise if you don’t want to.
      But since you are indicating discomfort perhaps a good goal is to not feel discomfort in the future. I’d recommend having some go-to sentences lined up:
      Aww. Thanks.
      Gee, that is really nice of you to say that.

      Other times you can send a similar compliment back:
      Well, I like working with you also.
      Thanks for the compliments on my salad but I was really busy totally enjoying that cake you made.

      Oddly sometimes the way out of some discomfort is to do the very thing to other people that causes us discomfort. Compliment other people. Watch how they react to your compliment. Take the best reactions and find your own version of those reactions.

      Embarrassing stuff happening to tv characters. My husband and I both would feel discomfort for the character involved. Interestingly, my husband never blushed but he could still feel embarrassment for a tv character. We gave up on shows that routinely made people look foolish because we were not feeling entertained by other people’s embarrassment. (My husband and I eventually considered it low comedy. It’s not funny to watch people in awkward situations all the time. There are more ways to develop humorous story lines without showing people as being stupid/awkward/klutzy.)

      As far as secondhand embarrassment in real life, you can remind yourself over and over that it’s not your emotion to wear. And there are times where you can help the person to feel better, take advantage of those times. For example, someone dumps a coffee on your carpet. You can kneel right down with them and mop it up. But you don’t HAVE to. I used to use this technique to help myself to stop being so keenly aware of what other people felt/thought. Mopping up the spilled coffee seemed to minimize their embarrassment and my own secondhand embarrassment at the same time. It did not take long and that second hand embarrassment dialed back.

      You are wise to figure out what to do here. You don’t *have to* feel discomfort about these types of things. And you can frame a lot of this stuff as “crap happens but life goes on anyway”.

    3. Jenna Bee*

      Have you ever considered that you might be an empath? Empathic people are especially susceptible to other people’s emotions. An internet search on the topic will yield you lots of information.

      Also, you are not alone with the second-hand embarrassment or emotion!

      A long time ago I mentioned to my therapist that I would mute the television during particularly cringe-y or emotional charged scenes in shows like Greys Anatomy (don’t get me started on how many times that show has broken my heart!). She was fascinated by this, and had me start doing experiments where I’d try to see how long I could stand the second-hand embarrassment or emotion. I found the more I forced myself to endure the emotion, the less affected I was. The goal was to sort of “inoculate” myself against emotion that wasn’t mine, and also to learn that all emotion, even second-hand, passes eventually.

      I hope this helps somewhat! Best of luck to you.

    4. LilySparrow*

      I have very similar feelings, you aren’t alone at all!

      For me, I like to have my work or accomplishments or outfit, or whatever, acknowledged and complimented briefly. And I very much appreciate written praise.

      But effusive compliments in person make me uncomfortable because I feel that the speaker wants me to perform some emotive response beyond, “thank you so much!” And I don’t like that pressure to perform my feelings for someone else’s gratification. The transaction of “compliment = thank you” should be enough, so let’s move on.

      That reaction, at least in my case, makes perfect sense because I had several important people in my life growing up who were very emotionally needy, and their praise or compliments would quickly turn to visible disappointment or outright coaching if I didn’t put on a good enough show of overwhelmed breathless gratutude.

      And I have met a lot of similar people in my life, so I’m wary of any kind of gushing. To me, gushing and flattery (especially if it seems disproportionate to the situation) are warning flags for manipulation.

      When I was dating, I enjoyed the bantering style of flirting, but again, not just flattery. I always felt like, “Okay, you think I’m attractive. …And what? Is that supposed to thrill me?” (I did not say this out loud.)

      I also get intense vicarious cringes for fictional characters, and tear up at sentimental stories. I think that’s just part of enjoying pretend. I mean, I love thrilling action movies too, but I don’t want to experience those situations in real life! Or I enjoy watching a good love scene on a beach, but I don’t want salt and sand all up in my business.

      Pretend is…pretend, and it’s fun exactly because it is less complicated than real life.

      I have very warm & affectionate relationships with my family & close friends. I just think talk is cheap and treat it accordingly.

  49. MattKnifeNinja*

    My library has one.

    What it is not for….

    Anything for someone in the middle of a crisis situation regarding death and dying. It’s not group therapy, grief support, questions about probate, estates or wills. It’s not providing information for services need in the near future or now. It’s wasn’t about coping with dying and death.

    This one is very similar to a death and dying class taught by the anthropology department in my university. How are coffins made? What happens when you get embalmed? History of burial customs. It has a huge smorgasbord of topics.

    More college class than providing information/support to clients.

    Mine is on hiatus until March. I enjoyed it.

    1. Overeducated*

      Cool, thanks. I am literally a person who appreciated learning about death in anthropology classes so sounds at least worth checking out.

  50. Arrrgh*

    So I finished NaNoWriMo with 54,475 words!

    I have this situation and I’m not sure what to do about it. My neighbor’s husband’s carer is having some kind of thing where she’s had to stay in a motel (I’m assuming a domestic situation). She has had to bring her dogs to work with her. This would be no big deal, except the dogs apparently don’t like this situation and when she lets them outside, they bark.

    I’m not talking about just a couple of yaps and then they go in. I’m talking huge, loud, apocalyptic barking, very close to me. At. Every. Thing. It’s completely unpredictable so I’ll just start to relax or hit my stride writing and think they’re inside, and then BORK BORK BORK BORK BORK. And of course when they bark, every other dog in the neighborhood starts barking–or at least, they did. It seems like the other dogs are like “Oh god not again,” as much as me now.

    It’s so loud I can’t block it out even with headphones (my house is poorly insulated and has single-pane windows, so all outside noise is inside). You can imagine what it’s been like trying to write, and believe me when I say I wish I were at a job all day instead of here, but now it’s happening on Saturday too, and I am so stressed out I can’t even. If it’s warmer out, they stay out longer, and of course they bark even more. This has been going on for a month. I’m trying to be like, sensitive and all to her situation, but I cannot take much more of this.

    I don’t even know what to suggest she do. But it’s absolutely ruining my ability to enjoy my own home, if I’m here during the day. Noise ordinances don’t apply before 11:30 pm, either. I keep thinking I should bring it up with my neighbor at least to ask how much longer this situation is going to go on. I’m scared to death she’s gonna say, “Well Valentina is staying here now, and sorry but the dogs are here for the duration.” It’s been a month. A MONTH. I don’t know what to say. What do I say?!

    1. Not So NewReader*

      This can’t be good for the ill husband. Can you talk to your neighbor?
      How many dogs are there?

      1. Arrgh*

        Two, I think. I don’t know what kind they are (probably pitties from the sound). They’re barking incessantly right now and I cannot stand it.

        My question was can I, and what do I say. Apparently she’s given permission for this to happen, I guess.

    2. fposte*

      Ohhh, this is a bit of a pet peeve for me, if you’ll pardon the pun. I don’t think you can prevent the barking entirely, but could you ask them to be more responsive in bringing the dogs back in when the barking starts? I know there are neighborhoods where dogs default to being out and this would be a hard sell, but I think it’s the best room for movement in the situation.

    3. tangerineRose*

      Something like this happened to me once, and when I let my neighbor know, she was very apologetic and figured out a way to keep the dog happy. I hope that works for you too.

      1. Arrgh*

        They’re not her dogs–they belong to her husband’s carer. Who is here when she isn’t here, so I don’t know if she has any idea how fooking loud they are. They’re like chainsaws. She herself has a small dog–I haven’t seen her or her dog for a while now; she may be working overtime and that’s why the carer is here on Saturday. The other day, she was running up and down the street looking for her parrot, which got out. I’m wondering what the f*ck is going on and hoping like mad she hasn’t moved in.

        I like dogs, and I like pitties (if that’s what they are) but this situation is untenable even if I were at work all day. And working from home (which is what writing is, even if I’m not actually getting paid for it) would be out of the question.

      1. Arrgh*

        She is probably not home. The carer comes to take care of her husband when she’s working. I wonder if she even knows how bad it is.

    5. Jaid_Diah*

      Jeebus, if that’s what they’re like when they’re with the carer, what where they like when they weren’t with her full time?
      The neighbor’s employee can’t be causing a disruption in the neighborhood, she should be bringing them in the house ASAP.

    6. Anono-me*

      Because not all dog people intervene immediately if their dog is outside barking excessively, many cities do have barking dog noise ordinances that apply 24 hours a day.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      Can you record them on your phone and show her? I’d say something like, “I want to show you this before someone else tells you about it in a not so nice way.” This would only work if she is a reasonable person. I would work into the discussion that perhaps her husband is not getting the rest he should have. Perhaps the carer can bring something for the dogs that would help them settle. Notice the use of a suggestion to solve the problem. It makes the conversation sound less witchy and more like a thinking person’s conversation.

      You could also open with, “This doesn’t fit with what I see and know about you. So I thought you would want to know here’s what’s going on while you are at work. It doesn’t seem to match with the way you do things or want things handled.” This works if she has a history of doing things that decent neighbors do.

      You can also work in that you realize this is a rough time for the two of them and most certainly you would not say anything if the situation were minor.

      1. Arrgh*

        This is good. I could try it.

        I only hear them bark when they’re outside; I don’t know about when they’re in the house. I can’t hear anything that goes on in there. But what I think is happening is she’s letting them out multiple times a day to pee or because maybe they’re bounding around, and there’s no real schedule to it. So I have no idea when they’re going to be outside. And the entire time they’re out, they’re just making these chainsaw seal noises and It’s So Damn Loud. And what the f*ck was with the PARROT, OMG!? That was so bizarre!

        I’m guessing she’ll just say “Get a job and they won’t bother you.” I HAVE BEEN TRYING FOR F*CK’S SAKE. And yes, they will–on Saturday, when you’re not here, Neighbor.

        I have never felt more trapped in my life. It’s like being in prison with really sadistic guards who blast an air horn at you multiple times a day.

        1. Jaid_Diah*

          You could say that you work from home and your clients don’t appreciate hearing the dogs when you’re facetiming them. How would she know otherwise?

          1. valentine*

            You can keep to the truth: you work at home. She doesn’t need to know anything else. And it shouldn’t matter. You might work nights or, for whatever reason, sleep during the day. If she suggests a million ways for you to stop hearing, don’t address that. Insist that she needs to reduce the noise.

            She’s responsible, regardless of her location. Even if she blows you off, at least you’ll know she’s no help. You’re letting the possible reason for the dogs’ presence overwhelm a reasonable desire for them to stop barking all the time. If it all goes pear-shaped, ask your neighbor to create a schedule for the dogs to be outside, so you don’t feel constantly under siege.

            1. Elizabeth West*

              The dogs belong to the carer, not the neighbor. The carer looks after her husband when she’s at work. But you’re right about the reasonable desire. I should not have to leave my own home to write because of someone else’s dogs.

          2. Elizabeth West*

            Well Neighbor does know I don’t have a job.

            It’s been dead quiet over there today, so perhaps the situation has cleared itself up? One can hope. Whatever, I hope the carer found a better option than staying in a motel. That’s not fun regardless. And I hope she can have her pets wherever that is.

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      They are good! They still haven’t fully integrated with the other cats in terms of playing, although they want to! Eve still needs to slow her roll; she’s still freaking them out with how aggressively she wants to chase and play. Olive is starting to tentatively try to play with them, but very slowly. And Lucy ignores them unless it’s time to make irritated noises at them. But Sophie and Wallace happily play with each other, and everyone is co-existing peacefully. And Wallace’s nursing continues!

  52. SemiRetired*

    I have an etiquette question that I remembered after reading a previous day’s thread about deflecting questions about one’s name.
    At a place where I volunteer, I am often doing a task where I check in people from a list of names. One of the other volunteers seems to have a habit of engaging people in conversation about their names, especially if it appears to have an interesting ethnic background. So people who have an Indian or Japanese or African or otherwise “uncommon” name are more often singled out for this. I haven’t noticed anyone taking dramatic offense but it always rubs me the wrong way, and I have noticed people curtailing the conversation on this point. (On the other hand, some people seem to enjoy it, especially if they are Visitors From Afar – a couple of Irish guys had fun it with it, it seemed – although I’ve heard of Irish people who don’t enjoy the frequent American claim of also being Irish.)
    Anyway, the last time this happened, he not only had conversations with people about their names, after some of them left, he wanted to engage with the other volunteers about some of the names left on the list – like when these people turn up, will they be Japanese, Indian, or other? At this point I told him that some people might take offense to being questioned about the origin of their names, and that generally, it is impolite to do so, especially if it’s not a social situation where you are being introduced.
    Admittedly, part of what bothers me is that this other volunteer has an obviously German name, which is on his name tag. This is my own prejudices showing, but having some German guy questioning people about their ethnicity feels like one step away from asking them for their papers. To be less dramatic, I think it could make people whose names are different feel singled out and “othered,” and less than welcomed. When the whole point of this volunteer position (besides checking in) is to make people feel welcomed.
    I realize I committed an etiquette violation myself by correcting the other volunteer, when I have no supervisory standing over him. But now I wonder if I am correct – is it considered rude to ask – oh, I see your name looks “X”, where are your people from? And if it is, why do so many people keep doing it?
    Also, are there particular kinds of name questions that are more rude? In a W context, I met someone recently named Robert Johnson, and when I noticed his name, I asked him if he was also a fan of the famous blues musician, and then when he left, I told him to look both ways at the crossroads. He said he gets that all the time but didn’t seem to mind it.
    Followup question: should I apologize to the other volunteer for overstepping? My inclination is to leave it alone, since he may not even remember, and it might just dig my hole deeper.

    1. fposte*

      I don’t think you dug a hole; I think you raised a reasonable issue, and I wouldn’t actually construe it as correcting him. I wouldn’t put more weight on it for his having a German name, though.

      A lot of people don’t run into the kind of stuff we talk about on AAM all the time. I was at the grocery store and the clerk said to the customer in front of me, “What did you do to your eye?!” The woman (who turned out to have a mild black eye that I hadn’t seen) cheerfully said she fell and smashed her hand in the same incident, and seemingly didn’t mind, but I was really startled to hear somebody ask the kind of question that gets discouraged pretty early on in life and that could be really unpleasant. I think it’s NBD to say “Hey, maybe don’t do that.”

    2. neverjaunty*

      Genuinely curious why you are beating yourself up here? You aren’t being rude by pointing out to a co-volunteer that he is failing at his job of making people welcome. And it is super crappy for him to grill people about their “unusual” names.

    3. LCL*

      This is a generational thing in the US. It used to be considered a legitimate way to make polite conversation. It was also, sometimes, a polite way to be a jerk. Now it is considered less than polite. Nicely point this out to him. The German aspect of it is, as you correctly identified, about your own biases.

      To me, your concern about him ‘othering’ people is a little bit over the top. I know you mean well. There’s no need to go any deeper than ‘asking strangers about the origin of their name is now considered impolite in the US.’

      1. Close Bracket*

        > To me, your concern about him ‘othering’ people is a little bit over the top.

        Part of the reason it’s considered less polite is due to the othering aspects. Singling someone out bc they have an unusual name is othering them, not to mention begging the question of what is unusual: Patel, for example, isn’t unusual at all in India. Given the population difference between India and the U.S., there are probably more Patels in the world than Joneses. So which name is the unusual one?

    4. Anoncorporate*

      Ooh – I’m glad you brought up this topic. I am of Asian descent, and I get these questions often (along with the ‘where are you from???’) What makes the situation complicated is that different people do react differently, as you pointed out. I personally don’t like these questions (for context, I live in the U.S.) It makes me feel othered/exotified, plus I don’t actually know what my name means or its significance. I also feel that I get these questions commonly because I am visibly non-white. By my observations, white people – even if they’re immigrants – don’t get these questions as often unless their name is really unusual. (I could be wrong about this though.)

      On a different note, I did have a white friend who shared a name with a celebrity, and got really annoyed with comments about it. But other people just take these things in stride. It depends.

      1. Anoncorporate*

        FTR I don’t think you were rude for correcting the volunteer. I agree with you. Also, asking “where are your people from” is rude as it is based on a lot of assumptions and judgments.

      2. HannahS*

        I’m convinced that there’s no fun follow-up conversation when you ask people stuff like that. As a pale person who isn’t an immigrant with an obviously foreign name (real name not Hannah) I get a lot of, “What kind of name is THAT” and I hate it because, oh great, now I get to hear about The Jews You Have Known or your opinion on politics in the Middle East. Actually, I correct myself. The only fun follow-up convo is with other people with foreign names, and in my case with Arabic-speakers whose names are the Arabic version of mine–then we get the “Hey, twinsies!” convo. But other than that, it’s just an awkward dead-end in the best case scenario, and actually offensive frequently.

        1. Anoncorporate*

          Yeah – and in my experience, I honestly believe when people ask these questions, they are trying to answer the real question: How did someone who looks like you end up in America?? It usually feels like they are pointing out that I look out of place. I know that sometimes, sharing origin stories is a part of getting to know someone, but normally it happens at a later stage when it’s not tied to intention of sizing someone up.

          2. neverjaunty*

            That’s exactly what it is, whether they’re aware they’re doing so or not; they see you as out of place and out of the norm.

          3. Thursday Next*

            Yes, this exactly. Especially if the follow up questions to “where are you from?” include words such as “really” or “originally.”

            I don’t mind when other South Asians ask me, because they’re looking for language or regional connections.

      3. anon today and tomorrow*

        My family is from Poland, I speak Polish, and I have a very Polish last name and a first name that is a common name in English but spelled differently in Polish, and somewhere along the way my family was Jewish before converting to Christianity before everyone just sort of gave up on religion. I’m white, but I’ve had a lot of people look at me and assume that I’m Jewish or have some type of Slavic background because of my features. This tends to happen a lot more in Europe or with European visitors to the US than native US citizens.

        But it is really tiring to hear people get weird about how my first name is spelled or ask why it’s spelled that way, and even worse to constantly have people make a fuss about how my last name is “hard to pronounce” or ask me questions about it. I honestly don’t mind people who say, “oh, that’s a pretty way to spell your name!” or “that’s a nice name!” but anything further than that and I’m done with the conversation.

        My family ended up going with an Anglicized pronunciations of everything just to try and stop all the questions. And also all the stupidly common times someone would say something like, “oh, you’re Polish? I love pierogi/kielbasa/some other Polish food”.

    5. Wishing You Well*

      Don’t apologize because you did nothing wrong. It was correct to inform him that his questions had racist undertones, even if he didn’t mean it that way. If he doesn’t stop asking people about their origins, he needs a different volunteer job.

    6. Ann O.*

      I don’t think you need to apologize. My name is ethnic, and I used to get asked about it a lot. It’s annoying. I get the curiosity, but the problem is that it makes me have the same boring conversations over and over.

      Fortunately for me, as cities have diversified, people are more familiar with my name and I haven’t been asked about it in multiple years. I do not miss that at all.

    7. anon today and tomorrow*

      I think you’re smart for figuring out that part of your issue stems from your own prejudices about your co-volunteer being German. I don’t think that really has anything to do with it because it’d be just as annoying if someone with any other type of name was doing it.

      I don’t think you did anything wrong with the other volunteer. I think people sometimes forget that if they make conversation about someone’s name, it’s probably a conversation they’ve had many, many times before and are tired of. Same goes for conversations with people who share names with celebrities. Your celeb joke/story/comment is not the first time they’ve heard it, and they’re probably just being polite by saying they don’t mind it because it’s easier to be polite and move on than potentially get into an argument with someone who’ll say they were just being friendly with their initial comment about someone’s name.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      I do admire your candor about what you thought with the German surname. And yeah, please work on that. I grew up with a German surname and the shame surrounding it.

      I remember a dear family member who was from Germany had a problem with her computer. The email had been hijacked and it started sending out propaganda under the name of a certain group. I emailed her immediately. I said “Do you know your computer has taken on a life of it’s own? Here’s what it’s doing…..” She died a thousand deaths in embarrassment, “That is nothing I believe, nothing I stand for, nothing I want in my life or even near my life or the lives of anyone around me!” She said she was going off line and taking the computer to a shop to deal with this. And she did. I am sure this guy in your story would have almost died from embarrassment/upset also to know that someone saw him in that light.

    9. TootsNYC*

      He said he gets that all the time but didn’t seem to mind it.

      He minds it. People who get that all the time, they get REALLY tired of it. I try to avoid the obvious jokes. They’re new to you, but not to him.

      I wouldn’t apologize–I think your comment was actually NOT out of line. Maybe he’ll watch for cues more in the future.

    10. Anon for this*

      I think you are right in telling the person that their behaviour can be very othering. As a person with an unusual last name I would not appreciate people having a conversation about where they think my ethnicity will be from based on my name, and it seems that this volunteer genuinely may not have recognised that their behaviour can make people feel othered. So I don’t think you need to apologise, and hopefully they will take your words to heart.
      With regard to the unease you experienced, while I applaud you for recognising and addressing your own bias, please reassess your prejudice here. Germans by no means have a monopoly on racism and on atrocities in their national history, but more importantly nobody that you encounter today in any way participated in them, just like people you encounter throughout the USA today did not participate in the terrible things committed against native Americans and did not enslave people, and so on. I’m sure different people have had different experiences with this, but as a German who grew up abroad I can tell you that I grew up learning a lot of shame, guilt and helplessness about things that even my grandparents would have been too young to actively participate in.

      1. Anoncorporate*

        Yeah – even the Nazi sentiments in Europe during WWII were definitely not just espoused by Germans. Anti-Semitism and racism pervaded multiple parts of Europe long before Hitler rose to power (and he was Austrian!)

    11. LilySparrow*

      It’s not an etiquette problem to discuss an issue with how your fellow volunteer is doing the work and affecting the clients.

    12. Observer*

      Pointing out that some people may not like being questioned about their names is a good thing. Making it about his German name is a bit over the top. And your comparison is WAY over the top – the point that people who have actually lived under regimes where being asked to show their papers is a real thing might see this as trivializing.

      Also, as someone who has been asked about the origins of my name AND has had “obvious” jokes related to my name, I can say that the questions are no more rude, and often less tiresome, than the jokes. Especially when the joke may have implications that are on the negative side.

  53. FaintlyMacabre*

    Tips to keep people (men) from urinating in inappropriate places?

    Where I live, between the apartments next door, the carport for our apartment block, the mailboxes, and my fence, there is a semi-secluded area that people pee and occasionally poop in. It seems to have increased in frequency lately and while the pooping is probably homeless people, I suspect most of the urination is not.

    A lot of this is done during the day- I have a light on at night, too, but obviously that is not discouraging anyone. My one thought is to get some cacti in pots to take up some of the space and maybe discourage men from exposing their tender bits? I don’t know.

    1. Lily Evans*

      You can put up a security camera (real or fake) and a sign saying there’s cameras monitoring the area (even if you don’t get a camera, you could do this). For nighttime, get a much brighter flood light installed that’s motion-activated so it’s like a spotlight on them. If it’s men doing the gross urinating onto the wall thing, I’m pretty sure there’s hydrophobic paint out there that you can paint the wall with and it makes the pee bounce back onto them.

      1. FaintlyMacabre*

        Some of the urine goes on the fence, some doesn’t, but I might look into the paint. The security camera idea is good, I could put up one in my yard pointing at the area.

    2. fposte*

      I kind of like the cacti idea–it might have a psychological effect that’s the reverse of the “picture of a waterfall” thing, too. Visible cameras would be another possibility if it was property you owned, but it doesn’t sound like you do. Do you know who does own it, and why it’s untended? If you’re feeling super-energized, you could consider working with the owners and interested neighbors to turn it into something nice that doesn’t seem quite as urinatable.

      All that being said, humans are mammals, and once mammals have found a pee spot, they’re likely to return to it. It sounds like the human equivalent of leaving out a sandbox in cat territory.

      1. FaintlyMacabre*

        It’s not a unattended space- it’s just the corner that is formed by the two properties. The apartment block next door extends out further than our area, and there’s a little walkway to our mailbox, which is where the behaviors occur. It affects me the most out of the neighbors, because my parking spot and yard are next to the mailboxes, so they pee on my fence and where I walk to get home. But I like the idea of the security cameras.

        1. Gingerblue*

          If you get cameras and can print out pictures of the guilty parties with any naughty bits suitably pixelated, I’d consider taping them up in the area temporarily to get the point across.

          1. valentine*

            It might be better to use those to report them to the police, even if that goes nowhere. Posting the pictures could lead to escalated vandalism. Have you asked the police for advice? Could an officer walk through at random times, if you’d be comfortable with that?

    3. GhostWriter*

      Would you be able to put a motion activated sprinkler in the area? You hook them up to a garden hose and they’re mounted on a stake that you push into the ground. My brother had issues with birds constantly gathering around his pool and pooping everywhere, so I got him one and it worked great (until he got a dog and couldn’t use it anymore). If anyone complains, you can just point out that you have problems with “animals” pooping and peeing there.

      1. FaintlyMacabre*

        Unfortunately, my neighbors and I walk through the area. As much as I like the idea, it would not work well!

    4. Not A Manager*

      Is this your own property, or does it belong to someone else? The easiest solution might be to ask the owner to put up a cyclone fence.

      1. FaintlyMacabre*

        It’s a space that I and my neighbors walk through, so just blocking it off is not an option, unfortunately. It wouldn’t bother me so much if I didn’t have to pass through there. I hate having to navigate around fresh urine to get home!

        1. valentine*

          Cover the accosted fence area with something you think they wouldn’t want to pee on, like a child’s drawing. If large lights are too costly, use motion-activated night lights. Call the local shelters(s), in case they can tell you whether it’s more likely your neighbors who have homes are doing this.

    5. JB*

      Architects and security planners pay a lot of attention to how secluded spaces basically promote crime. If human waste is your only problem, you’re actually lucky. These kinds of hidey-holes become magnets for drug deals and other sordid goings-on. The only way to deal with it is to eliminate the secluded area. Filling the space with decorative cacti might work, if you have the budget for it. It might be easier to install a chain-link fence. You can also install more powerful lights, motion-sensitive lights, or lights with unusual colors. (There is some evidence that people get creeped out by non-standard lights. Most people are accustomed to white and amber lights, but some evidence suggests they will avoid blue or green lights because the novelty makes them uncomfortable or suggests someone has taken an active interest in the area.)

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Put up a sign, “no loitering, police take notice”.
      You might check with your police department to see if they have seen ideas that are working anywhere else.

    7. Close Bracket*

      > get some cacti in pots to take up some of the space and maybe discourage men from exposing their tender bits?

      That won’t work. I live in the Southwest, and I once watched a guy outside the building I was in step behind a cactus to pee (spoiler alert: the cactus didn’t provide any cover).

    8. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I don’t suppose you have a big enough dog that you could justify an electric fence, do you? My husband’s a country kid, and has some stories of city visitors picking the wrong fence post to pee on. (“What is AHH going on, there AAH is this pain keeps AHH coming back and AHH and why are you guys laughing? AAH”)

  54. Free Meerkats*

    Watching “Botched.” What the fuck is wrong with people? “Yeah, I have giant fake boobs the size of Massachusetts, but I want them the size of Wisconsin.” “I want to look exactly like [full in the blank].” “I’ve had 6 butt lifts in back alley clinics and now my ass is falling off!”

    Yes, I’m judging them.

      1. Trouble*

        My judging is deffo tinged with sympathy though. Some of those people must have dysmorphia. They have skin that is literally rotting off because it can’t heal after so many surgeries and continuing to surgically mutilate themselves to look “perfect” against some standard in their head no one else sees is more important than their health, healing and even life sometimes.

        Tl;dr I judge but feel bad in case mental health issues in play.

  55. Snow Drift*

    I think my husband and I need gift-giving rules this year. Does your household have any that work well?

    (For context, we’re overwhelmed with family problems and also trying to cut down on clutter to prepare for an upcoming move.)

    I was thinking of limiting ourselves to 1-2 gifts, and they should be consumable, like candles or food. Other ideas?

    1. Not A Manager*

      I like experiences. My husband and I will jointly gift each other dinner at a really fabulous restaurant, or a night away. That’s the only gift, except for a card or a small trinket.

    2. BRR*

      My husband and I do no gifts for each other. We only do birthdays and possibly one anniversary gift together depending on what the theme is that year.

    3. Perpetua*

      My partner and I don’t do gifts for Christmas or anniversaries, just birthdays, and we’re both quite happy with this arrangement. For Christmas, the general idea is that we take a short trip together in late December (which we did the past 2 years), but this year we moved very recently which means we’ve had enough expenses (and we’ve also traveled enough during the year), so it’s most likely we’ll just stay home and enjoy it.

      So my suggestion is similar to the ones above – experiences, especially if there’s something relaxing you’d both enjoy in preparation for your move (spa, massage, a day trip to the nature if you’re into it).

    4. Weekend Warrior*

      Since we truly have everything and want to reduce clutter, we’ve started just filling stockings for each other. My husband REALLY likes having something to open Xmas morning and I enjoy it too.

      We have a lot of fun with this! Stocking items for him from me might include a new toothbrush, nasal decongestant (he loves that stuff), a paperback book, a small toy or other to assemble, pickled herring (!), small jar of paté, maybe a gift card, AA batteries, a “certificate” for a massage from me, etc, etc. And always gold coin candy and a mandarin orange in the toe. His stocking stuffers for me will be similarly “eclectic”. The point is to pay attention to the small things your partner likes/needs.

    5. Jerry Vandesic*

      My wife and I are going to stocking gifts between the two of us. The kids get packages under the tree, but if it doesn’t fit in a stocking, we won’t be giving it to each other. But we do buy things jointly for the family like a new TV.

    6. Falling Diphthong*

      We do one big gift per person.

      Response to war on clutter, and to a parent who (in the past) would give each person 20$5 items (so there’s lots to unwrap, yet it counts as”economical” because no one part cost a lot), rather than one $50 item the giftee actually wanted.

      Echoing Not A’s note about experiences–one cool thing you will remember doing.

    7. HannahS*

      I like to give consumables. Cookies, usually. I’m giving my brother my time to help with a project for his birthday, and helping him with a task he hates (shopping). It’s going to be many hours of time and frankly I’d rather give a monetary gift but it’s a landmark birthday, so oh well. An experience can be nice–dinner at a nice restaurant with a card. Splurging on something you wouldn’t otherwise do can be nice, like if you’re a dedicated bring-coffee-from-home kind of person, a gift card for a coffee shop can be nice, or planning to order takeout, or hire a cleaning service. Not super romantic, I guess, but I know it’s a gift I’d appreciate!

    8. The Original Stellaaaaa*

      If you don’t do gifts, maybe try to go to a holiday food truck festival or farmers market or something. Even if you’re not super religious and/or don’t care about the holidays, it can be bit of a downer to not do anything at all when everyone else you know is talking about plans and parties.

    9. Not So NewReader*

      How about items that would help with the move? Markers, tape, labels, cartons for special items? Gift certificates for snacks/sandwiches the day of the move or the day after.
      Or how about items that help to relieve family problems in some small way? This could be like a calendar organizer, a bill organizer, or other small items that tend to assist with on-going stuff.

      FWIW, I used to challenge myself by trying to pick out items that would make our lives easier in the upcoming year. These were practical items mostly. Maybe the kitchen broom was shot and we needed a new one. My husband always asked for socks and underwear thinking that is a recurring expense and it’s good to get it taken care of.

    10. SigneL*

      My husband and I are retired and trying to downsize. The last few years we have given each other gifts like a flock of geese to a 3rd world village (from Heifer International, although there are other charities that do the same thing). We don’t need anything, and we hope we are bringing something to people who need help.

    11. Ali G*

      We don’t do gifts to each other – we usually buy one or two things for us/the house. This year we bought our selves a Roomba and we plan to buy new luggage. It works better than trying to figure out what we want and buying stuff for gift giving’s sake. Now, if I could only get my mom on board with not buying us stuff…

    12. Llellayena*

      Experiences that have wrappable components:
      Tickets/season tickets to a play, concert, sports game, etc.
      Gift cards to restaurants
      A planned trip (wrap the guidebook)
      A balloon or prop plane ride

      I also like the stocking idea: consumables, rolled up magazine editions, travel size bits and pieces (best when a trip is planned too)

    13. TootsNYC*

      There’s a little rhyme that is often suggested for parents to follow when buying for children:

      Something they want, something they need; something to wear, and something to read.

      You could try that!

      (substitute “something to eat” instead of “wear,” maybe? Or as an option?)

      The “need” and the “wear/eat” won’t become clutter, but there’s room for the fun and indulgence of a “want,” and everybody could use a book (and they can be given away).
      But yet, it means the festivity of 4 gifts.

      Or maybe institute a “shoe box” rule, that all of the gifts must gift in a shoe box?

    14. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      We agreed that the fabulous traveling backpacks we got for our Asia trip were our “gifts” to each other this year. I don’t have the energy/time to shop in the next few weeks, nor does he, and frankly we have too much stuff and food as it is. I may get him one or two small things he can definitely use/likes (his favorite bubble bath/shower gel, a charger), and told him of one or two things I would like/can use (a new kitty calendar for my desk like he got last year) but that is it.

      Unfortunately it looks like my parents have left a huge bag of “santa” gifts :/ I found a bunch from what they sent last year I still haven’t managed to “process” into the flow of life or just don’t have space to put out.

    15. Madge*

      I like the idea of exchanging books. You could even limit it to paperbacks only to keep the cost down. You could also create some non gift traditions. We get a chocolate orange every year and my family used to have a Danish pastry for breakfast. You could make an advent calendar that has mostly activities instead of treats. Stockings can also be fun, but filling one can still be expensive. I’ve found the secret to making a stocking exciting is to get bulky things that almost don’t fit and place them at odd angles so the corners stick out.

    16. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Wee reached a point where our gifts are things we’ve been putting off getting for the house.

    17. Kj*

      We just had a baby and are doing “something you want, something you need, something to wear, something to read.” It is fun to find things in each category. Two of the categories are fairly inexpensive by default (unless you like designer clothes) which is nice. We like it becuase it emphases one of our family values, which is reading and intellectual engagement.

    18. Wishing You Well*

      We don’t exchange gifts, but we buy for family and friends. Consumables are a good choice.
      Frankly, at this point, I consider the year a success if more stuff LEAVES the house than comes in!
      Holidays can be different every year and very memorable in a good way.
      Whatever you do, I hope you make the holidays workable and do-able for you and allow change as needed.

  56. atexit8*

    Wish Tree at local mall asks for new unwrapped toys.

    I had already wrapped the toys very nicely before I realized that the request is — unwrapped.

    I was thinking of putting a big sticky note saying that I have put a lot of care into wrapping the tablet and accessories.

    Thoughts?

    1. Lily Evans*

      If they want them unwrapped it’s probably for a reason and they’ll likely just unwrap them themselves if you don’t.

      1. ElspethGC*

        Yeah, they’ll most likely just unwrap them.

        I vaguely know people who are involved with this sort of thing, and they point out that you need to know what the gifts actually are. Are they relevant for the person being given the gift? Are they actually good gifts? There are lots of terrible people out there who take this sort of thing as an opportunity to off-load things they don’t want rather than new things, presents that don’t work or where the packaging is damaged, and so on. They need to see the presents to make sure that they’re actually suitable for gifting.

    2. JB*

      Unwrap them. They do this because (1) the event might give parents the option of picking from among the donated gifts and (2) there are a lot of evil people in the world.

      1. atexit8*

        (1) isn’t the case
        but I suppose (2)

        I am not sure how to secure everything together when all they give us is a small tag 1″ x 1″ on a string to “attach” to the gift. I want the tablet + ear buds + microSD card to go together.
        I can see them making a mess of everything with that by losing it or whatever.

        I am of the mind if they want to unwrap and re-wrap, they can.
        I am not going to spend anymore time on this.
        Next year, I don’t think I want to participate.

          1. Falling Diphthong*

            Tape. Large rubber bands. Or put them all in one easy to open container, like a 1 gallon ziploc.

        2. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

          Clear velcro envelope like you can use for documents? (I bought a set at an organizer store). You can see what’s in it – they can remove it and wrap the stuff inside easily, but it goes in together. Kind of reboxing it but in a clear box/envelope.
          Depending upon the size of the tablet, you could alternatively use one of those clear plastic shoe boxes and rubber band the lid on. They can remove and rewrap as necessary.
          Don’t let the discouragement of this one step stop a wonderful gift and thoughtful heart-felt desire to help others….. hug.

        3. ElspethGC*

          Why are you not going to participate? Because they asked for things to be unwrapped and you didn’t realise? There are plenty of very good reasons for that to be part of their process, as people have said.

          Not meaning to be accusatory, just confused.

          1. Forking great username*

            This. If you’re trying to put some good out there in the world, I don’t get being deterred from that because you’re so offended that about accidentally wasting a bit of time and wrapping paper.

        4. WellRed*

          I kinda think you’re losing sight of why you wanted to participate in the first place. This isn’t supposed to be about you or your fancy paper.

        5. GhostWriter*

          Not sure how big the tablet box is, but you could put everything in a gallon/2 gallon/jumbo size ziplock bag if you have them laying around.

          Or use cling/plastic wrap (maybe 2 layers depending on how thick yours is) to “wrap” the gifts together.

        6. neverjaunty*

          Why are you so upset? You’re treating your own ‘didn’t notice it had to be unwrapped’ as some kind of personal affront, and creating a whole fantasy in which they are incompetent and will inevitably screw up your gift.

        7. Someone Else*

          Is this the type of thing where they had a wishlist of items from people and you chose existing stuff from the list to supply? If so, and if the tablet ear buds and sd card were intended to go together in the request, then tape them together. If the org didn’t request those items be bundled, it doesn’t matter if you want them to go together. They won’t necessarily be distributed that way.
          It sounds like you want to punish the org because you put in effort your needn’t have and which isn’t useful to them, and it turns out was a waste of your time?

        9. atexit8*

          **** ultimate solution ****

          Place everything together in the cardboard box that I had everything in.
          Tape box top flaps together with just one piece of tap to keep the flaps flat/down.
          Very easy to remove the piece of tape to see the contents of the box.
          In addition, they can re-use the box.

          Put box with its contents into a store plastic shopping bag.

          Take both “handles” of the plastic bag together and tie one knot with it.
          This big knot is easy to undo so they can inspect the contents.
          But secure.

          Tie the string with the paper name tag to the knot.

          1. valentine*

            Unpack it all and follow the directions. You’ve created extra work for people and you won’t be the only one who does, because so many people appoint themselves the exception. You’re oddly pouting about it, as though it’s a massive chore, but you could have stopped at any time.

        11. Observer*

          I was going to say that a note about how you put all this care into wrapping would come off a bit precious, to say the least. I’m glad I waited to read the comments first because it’s clear that you need to reset your attitude.

          You’re not obligated to participate, of course. But this sounds like a tantrum because you didn’t read the instructions and are upset because the organizers might actually have thought of something that you didn’t think about and don’t want to acknowledge the reality of. And because you’re upset that your specialness and purity of motive and behavior aren’t going to exempt you from the rules.

          I know I could easily be mis-reading this. And I see that you did find a reasonable solution. At minimum, though, I think it’s worth thinking about why you reacted this strongly and unreasonably initially.

    3. Gina*

      Don’t do it. They’re asking for them unwrapped for a reason. They either won’t accept them if wrapped, or will unwrap them (in which case you are making them do extra work and probably irritating whoever has to deal with it). It’s not their fault you made the mistake, don’t force them to deal with it.

    4. Anono-me*

      A friend of mine worked at a casino that give vouchers to people who brought in toys to donate. Originally they accepted wrapped gifts. The gifts were later unwrapped and sorted. Unfortunately they discovered a lot of people donating cruddy stuff to get the vouchers. She said the weirdest was the 3 boxes of generic lime gelatin that were taped together.

      So that is why the casino at least, requires donated gifts to be unwrapped

    5. Ribbon Queen*

      Any chance you could volunteer to be a wrapper? I agree with other posters that the few mean/oblivious people have spoiled things for others so it’s important your gift is given unwrapped, but if wrapping is important to you (and by goodness it’s important to me) then you could offer it in a different way.

      I’m not familiar with Wish Tree so I don’t know what scale they’re working to. They might be desperate for help, or already sorted. Either way, you don’t know until you ask.

    6. Someone Else*

      They’re going to need to catalog and sort them before they distribute them, so contributing wrapped is useless to them. Even if you tag it with what it is…they’re going to need to unwrap it to work with it to ensure it actually meets their specifications (specifically that it’s something they can actually distribute and is, in fact, new). They don’t care about the effort it took to wrap them, since they asked for unwrapped gifts in the first place.

    7. Tmarie*

      I used to work in a place that gathered gifts for the needy. You would have the most beautifully wrapped presents, with a dollar store gift inside. Some really awful people would put trash inside wrapped boxes.

      But, above and beyond that, when you have multiple children from one family, and one person gets the dollar store gift, and the other child gets a new gaming system, then the system that is meant to bring joy to families does not work.

      I’m sorry you wrapped it, and I know that often the wrapping can be very expensive, but they will have to unwrap it anyway.

      1. Clisby Williams*

        This. Plus, when we did Angel Tree gifts through our local Catholic church, we had no idea who was in what family – just the age/sex of the child. There were no guidelines besides “no toy weapons” and maybe “don’t give a computer.” I always gave 3-4 gifts in the $50 and under category, figuring that one or two might be repurposed for a similar-aged child who hadn’t gotten much. It’s not like I had a personal commitment to these individual children – I was just giving gifts appropriate to, say, an 8-year-old girl.

    8. Temperance*

      They ask for them unwrapped because some people will wrap up things that are inappropriate.

      A note for next time: I wouldn’t buy a big-ticket/electronic item for one of these trees. A friend is a social worker, and all too often, the parents would hock any electronic item or gift that could have had value. I stick to books, games, makeup, and those grooming gift sets for the teenagers.

  57. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

    Barely/sorta recovering from exhaustion/cold. Cleaned the apt, and sitting down to a mini Harry Potter movie marathon and apple cinnamon tea.

    What do you do for fun to relax when it’s rainy?
    How do you give yourself permission to relax?
    What noncaffeine drinks are out there? I’m hooked on grapefruit sparkling water, decaf coffee, & apple cinnamon tea…

    1. Hooker*

      I crochet for a charity (blankets go to women and children with cancer, looked-after children, Angel babies, etc). It’s busy enough that I don’t get Presbyterian guilt, but still enough that I get a rest. Very mindful and great for the soul.

      I drink mostly chamomile tea, though Turkish apple is an old favourite and I also enjoy peppermint.

    2. Llellayena*

      There are many herbal teas out there, including mint tea and ginger tea, both of which would probably help the cold too. I like the flavored waters, not the bubbly kind (Hint pomegranate is probably my favorite). Warm or mulled apple cider maybe?

    3. Seeking Second Childhood*

      My daughter is s fan of Mia Water drops. I like European style fruit flavor syrups.

    4. Overeducated*

      That sounds SO nice. It’s almost noon and my apartment is a mess – I got to sleep in because my husband pitied me being sick, I’m skipping church for same reason, and now I’m just watching him and kid play with Legos…wondering if I can tidy a little and fit in a mini version of your day later, that sounds lovely!

      I don’t get the question about giving yourself permission to relax. Why shouldn’t you? Hope you feel better soon!

      Currently I have peppermint and maple ginger teas, but apple cinnamon is pretty delicious too. I’m drinking regular coffee now, as it’s still morning and I’m definitely a caffeine addict.

  58. dumblewald*

    I’ve finally budgeted enough to start donating to charity! Does anyone have advice/best practices on researching charities and selecting which ones to give to? A couple of causes I’m looking into are environmental causes and eradicating homelessness.

      1. Natalie*

        I don’t know, just because something is well known doesn’t make it a good place to send your money. The American Red Cross has suffered from serious mismanagement over the last decade or so, plenty of people have valid problems with big established groups like Komen and Salvation Army, etc.

    3. fposte*

      givewell dot org and philanthropedia are also worth a look. Givewell has some interesting discussion about the problems with Charity Navigator’s ratings protocols, too–not that you necessarily need to dismiss it outright, just that the situation is more complicated than their quantifications suggest.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Givewell is the one I was trying to think of.

        Paying competitive salaries to attract qualified people with more than passion and burnout is a good thing, not a failure to squeeze every dollar.

        1. dawbs*

          yeah, as someone who is considered ‘overhead’ by charity navigator, I find the rating systems problematic.

          Accountability is good, but, man, I took a tremendous pay cut to go from education to my current nonprofit (do you know what that means I make? Ludicrous.) and I cringe at them trying to squeeze us farther.

  59. Nacho*

    How often do you guys visit out of state relatives? I haven’t seen my grandparents on either side in a few years because they live half way across the country and I hate traveling, but I was thinking of visiting them sometime this spring.

    2. GhostWriter*

      I visit an out-of-state brother about once every year or two (and they visit me about the same). Kinda just depends on schedules and when someone last visited. We try to avoid major holidays or crazy-weather periods when the airport is going to be extra crowded.

    3. LizB*

      All my relatives are out of state. I see my parents and siblings at least once a year, and try to catch one set of grandparents at least every other year. My partner’s parents also live out of state but actually come out to visit us (what a concept!), so I see them multiple times a year. I haven’t seen my other grandparents in a number of years, nor most of my aunts/uncles/cousins, but I’m not super close with them. No drama, just not much connection either.

    4. LilySparrow*

      We have relatives in several different areas. We see those in driving distance between 1-3 times a year each, but that’s counting the times they come here. We see the flying-distance set about once a year on average. Again, that’s counting the times they come to us.

      Overall, we make 2-3 trips a year.

  60. Miss Fisher*

    Is anyone watching the new Season of Leah Remini’s show? I just wonder why the FBI can’t get a warrant to go in and search the base for all of the people trapped in the hole.

    Also, really bummed new season of Murphy Brown has been cancelled. The show was so relevant. My guess is the more liberal crowd are mostly younger and don’t watch network tv.

    2. Cruciatus*

      I haven’t seen anything that said Murphy Brown has been cancelled (yet). It was only meant to air a short season. I don’t think it has the numbers they want–but there is hope yet!

  61. Jackie*

    Anyone here suffer from cough-variant asthma ? With the cold and flu season here my cough becomes non stop. I have been to several doctors over the years but no meds have stopped the cough. Any suggestions ?

    1. Miss Fisher*

      I used to just drink some hot peppermint tea. Last year, I got one of those my pure mist machines and it seems to help some. I don’t use an inhaler often and they don’t work as well as they used to anyways.

    2. Nerdgal*

      I have that kind of asthma. When it gets really bad, my doc gives me a steroid injection. Lasts for several months. I have an albuterol inhaler for acute epidodes.

    3. Lcsa99*

      I also have this. Like the poster above, I have an albuterol inhaler with me at all times, which makes a difference. Last year I also used fluticasone along with the inhaler at the first sign of a cold and it made a huge difference in the strength and duration of the coughing. It’s a sucky condition so I hope you find something that works for you.

    4. Anono-me*

      Albuterol and nebulizers help. We’re home remedies I really like the Traditional Medicines brand teas. (Notyoungerbutlotswiser mentioned them earlier.)

    5. LCL*

      What works for me is, at the first sign of an actual cold, I take mucinex 12 hour extended and Sudafed 12 or 24 hour extended. At the first sign of an endless coughing cycle I take Delsym cough syrup. If I have a sore throat I take cepacol or sucrets lozenges. Get the advice of your pharmacist if you take any of these OTC medicines, as they are available in different formulations and you don’t want to inadvertently double up on some ingredients.

    6. The Other CC*

      Asthma kid here. Mine is triggered by the tiniest little baby cold. After 6+ months of coughing (asthma + working at a daycare = very very sick all of the time) I finally got my asthma under control a couple years ago by 1) using a rescue albuterol inhaler during active attacks and 2) taking Xyzal and Flonase daily to reduce my chronic allergies, all prescribed by my pulmonologist. I have to stay on top of the maintenance medications or my cough comes back. It’s still not perfect but between quitting the daycare and taking my meds daily, I mostly do okay. Lots of tea helps with the symptoms too :(

    7. Jackie*

      Thanks for all the suggestions. Some I will be able to try. I wish I could use an inhaler but I was never able to inhale with enough force to use it successfully. With the spirometer I can only get to 270 ! Once I actually got to 320, that was my top record ! Never could exhale forcefully enough to clear a snorkel hence no scuba diving for me. It’s just hard to live with this cough but I know there are worst things.

    8. Doctor is In*

      I have that. Singular (montelukast) 10 mg daily can work well for prevention. I have taken it for years. Rarely I use rescue albuteril inhaler.

      1. Jackie*

        I was on Singular for 2 years but it stopped working after a few months so I discontinued it. Maybe I will try it again. Thanks !

  62. anon for this*

    Anyone been to Greece in April versus July/August? Is one time substantially better than the other? I know summer tends to be hotter and there are a lot more tourists, but just how awful is the tourist crush then? Would it be hideous (like waiting in line for 3 hours to see the Acropolis)? I’m also seeing some sites say that April would be a lot cheaper than July/August but am not seeing any actual numbers.

    1. Miss Fisher*

      Look on Groupon. I was just on there looking at vacation sites and there were a couple Greece tours with prices listed by dates. The ones I looked at in Japan got more expensive the closer into summer it got.

    2. Perpetua*

      I’m interested in this as well, as I have tentative plans to go to Santorini in April with a friend, both to avoid the heat and the crowds, but also get cheaper accommodation hopefully.

    3. Lucy*

      Yes, though years ago. It was pleasantly warm (could swim in the sea comfortably) and most tourist attractions were lively but not crowded.

      1. ElspethGC*

        I comfortably swam in the sea on New Year’s Day off the coast of Cyprus about a decade ago! I would never dare go in summer, though. My body just isn’t made for those temperatures.

    4. Catherine from Canada*

      I admit Italy (Rome) is not Greece but maybe my perspective will help. I have been to Italy several times in September/October, once in May, and once July/August .
      I will never, ever, go to Italy in July/August again if I can help it. It was brutally hot (and I like heat!) ridiculously, hideously crowded, and worse than that, crowded with hot, cranky people. Everything, everywhere. And the Italians were hot and cranky too and fed up with tourists.

    5. Lady Kelvin*

      We went to Greece in July for our honeymoon (um 4 years ago) and it wasn’t very crowded at all. The biggest tip I got (and we took advantage of) was to go to the acropolis first thing when it opens in the morning. As we left the place was starting to fill up with lots of bus/tour groups, but we were pretty light on the people when we were there checking things out. I even have some photos with no people at all. We spent 3 days in Athens and then a week on Crete in a couple of different locations, so I can’t speak to some of the other islands (I know Santorini and Milos can be crazy) but we never felt crowded while we were there.

    6. Tailored*

      I went to Greece this year in late May. Most of the trip was on Naxos. The weather was great, warm but not too hot. Maybe 25C most days. It was pretty quiet there, just before the first major influx of tourist season, but enough people to not feel deserted. Went swimming too, although few others were in the water. Costs for accomodation were very reasonable too in the off season.
      Spent a few days in Athens. Warm, humid, even had a thunderstorm. Busy but not as overwhelming as it probably gets in July or August.
      We got up early to walk up the Acropolis, no line up first thing in the am, but by the time we were walking down around noon, the lines to get in were stretched down the street, and it was getting really crowded.
      Ferries were not full at all and we were able to sit in the big recliners that are usually extra $$.
      We enjoyed our trip and wished we had more time there.

    7. Ann Non*

      How well do you do with heat? Personally I do not do well with heat, so any sightseeing that is done outdoors (visiting a city; hiking; etc) needs to be done at temperatures below 25C – since it gets REALLY hot in Greece in the summer, I would try not to visit then unless it was to lie around on some beach. (I wouldn’t even be worried about the lines – even with no lines I would not be able to enjoy the experience if it’s too hot/my skin burns/…)

    8. Bagpuss*

      I went some years ago in early Sept – Athens was REALLY hot and the air quality was pretty poor, I am asthmatic so tend to be affected by that, but perhaps something to consider. I don’t remember massive queues.
      I would chose April over August if I were going, but I am also not big on sun or heat, so that would influence me a lot. It is a dry heat, if that makes a difference for you. .

  63. Kristina88*

    I live in a non-smoking apartment complex. New neighbors just moved in across from me. They smoke outside their front door in the outdoor landing area (where all 4 apartments on this floor have their entrances). I am super sensitive to smoke and the non-smoking aspect was one of the reasons I chose to live here! Should I leave a nicely worded anonymous note on their door? Or is it better to just call the apartment office about this? I obviously do not want to make an enemy of my neighbors, but don’t enjoy the smoke or the fact that they are constantly hanging out in the landing area.

    1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      I’d introduce myself and try to speak to them first. Not all smokers are inconsiderate, though the fact that they moved into a non-smoking complex when they are smokers wouldn’t necessarily give me a lot of hope in this case. In either case, I’ve found its far less likely you’ll make an enemy of someone if you politely try to talk to them directly before calling a higher authority on them. Good luck!

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      Don’t do the anonymous note. They never come across well, and it’s not like there’s a whole lot of you to suspect. Either talk to them directly or talk to management directly.

  64. Say cheese*

    Anyone with experience with Smile Direct instead of invisilign? There must be a catch with that price difference right?

    1. Miss Fisher*

      My cousin works in the dental industry. She said that those things can actually make your teeth worse, because they can straighten your teeth but don’t take anything else into account (overbite, etc). If you look on facebook reviews there are a ton of people explaining the dangers of this better than I can.

    2. J*

      I haven’t used either one, but my dentist bf recommends against Smile Direct Club — says you can end up with issues with root resorption and teeth moving around (and not in the ways you want them to). And he’s a dentist, not an ortho, so he doesn’t have a vested interest in how people choose to straighten their teeth.

      So yeah, sadly, there is a catch.

    3. Invisalign user*

      Don’t do it. I recently finished invisalign and had a lot of bumps in the road and revisions that wouldn’t have worked out without having a trusted, experienced dentist to examine and advise in person. It took much longer than anticipated and my teeth didn’t always move as expected. I also had a (uncommon but not unheard of) allergic reaction to invisalign and had to have my trays re-made out of a different material. That was stressful enough without having to rely on an online company. I know they can also do revisions, etc. to some extent, but I really wouldn’t advise using them. It’s still a lot of money and will likely not have the outcome you are hoping for.

    4. Librarian person*

      Just getting around to reading the open thread today!

      I did use Smile Direct (finished up about a year and a half ago) and had really great results and no problems BUT I had braces for three years when I was a kid (I’m 38 now). So basically all the tough stuff was taken care of back then, I was just using the trays to realign what had already been done, but had shifted slightly over the years (probably from not wearing my retainer as a kid).

  65. Miss Fisher*

    My living situation isn’t ideal. I moved back home a while ago to get out of debt. This turned into guilt trips because my parents just needed my money and now I am still here to help pay bills and take care of my grandmother. Most of the time, things are okay, but I can’t have people over etc, because I deal with a father who does not do anything but sit in his recliner and watch tv. I really want to get out and have a place of my own, money is somewhat an issue just because my city is so expensive to buy a house in right now. I could afford a place though if I had to. But, every time I mention moving, I get so much of “oh we don’t know what we would do without you” etc that I feel like I can’t go. I feel stuck and also feel like by the time I actually do go, it won’t be long before I am expected to turn around and take care of my parents. My sister lives across the country, so that isn’t an option. I don’t mind helping to take care of my grandmother, but it frustrates me that she has multiple other children who don’t do anything but stop by once every 2 weeks for 30 minutes.

    Sorry, just venting, because I am currently sitting here watching football that I don’t want to watch because I don’t want to stay isolated in my bedroom watching tv of my own.

    1. Not A Manager*

      You might check out Captain Awkward.

      My advice is to stop talking to your folks about it. It’s more convenient for them to have you at home. You already know this, so there’s no point in talking about it.

      Make a plan, make a budget, find a place, get a roommate if you need to, put down a deposit – and then, cheerfully and with every expectation that they will be happy for you – tell them your good news!

      If they have specific concerns that you can specifically help them with, that’s fine – you can come over once a week to help with heavy chores, or you can drive your grandmother to the doctor, or whatever. You can also point them to resources such as social workers or elder care that IS NOT YOU. But it’s not your job to solve every problem for them, or to respond to every concern, before you’re allowed to leave. A reasonable response is, “Yes, that’s an issue. Let’s think about it and talk next week about ways that you can address that.”

      1. Turtlewings*

        Seconding all of this. You’re a grownup and you have every right to move out, you have your own life to live. No matter what they say, that does not make you a terrible person. You can still help out while carrying on with your own life. (And frankly it’s not like the cops will come get you if you DON’T help out. But I certainly wouldn’t discourage you from helping, they’re your family etc. etc.) Make your plan, get everything set up, say NOTHING until you’re maybe 2-4 weeks from move-out date. Then move out. They’ll be upset. Let ’em be upset. Being upset won’t kill them.

        As far as feeling like it won’t be long before you’re pulled back in to take care of your parents — well, maybe. But say, five years from now, you have to move back in and take care of your parents. Would you rather have spent those five years watching football in their living room? Or living in your place, having your friends over and living your own life the way you want? I know what I’d pick.

        1. valentine*

          Move, even if into an apartment with roommates or literally anywhere where the people aren’t emotionally extorting you. If possible, move slowly and say nothing or deny deny deny until after you’re gone. Don’t take care of your parents or grandmother. The price is too high. The buck doesn’t have to stop with you. You can absolutely prioritize yourself.

      2. Ali G*

        YES. You deserve your own life – and it’s not like you would abandon your family. So just silently make your plan and inform everyone when necessary.

        1. Ginger ale for all*

          They could also take in a college student and have that student provide care for x hours a week in exchange for rent. There are more solutions to the problem than the one they have right now.

    2. neverjaunty*

      “Oh what will we do without you” – exactly what they’re doing now, except they won’t be using your money to do it.

      1. MattKnifeNinja*

        If you dropped dead tomorrow, they’d figure it out.

        Start making plans/goals to get out. I let my parents manipulate me like that from 21-26. Biggest mistake I ever made.

    3. Bagpuss*

      Go ahead and make plans to move out.
      I would agree with the suggestions that you don’t share too much information with your parents until you are ready to go.
      If they make comments about ‘how will they cope?’ then may think ahead of time about how to answer? perhaps comments like “Well, what did you do before I moved in?” or “I’m happy to help you research ******” whether that is home carers, cleaning services, respite care, etc. You could also consider suggesting that they look into down sizing or getting a lodger if they will struggle to pay the bills without your financial support.
      Don’t assume that you will, or should, move back in at a later stage to care for your parents, it’s OK for you to say no – perhaps think about what help or support you might be comfortable to provide them with and stick to that. Thinking about what you could or would do if you lived in a different city to them might help.
      In terms of other family, have you, or could you, ask them to help more? Maybe something like sending an email to them saying ‘grandmother really needs x, can you do that for her next week when you visit?’ or even suggest that the family as a whole arrange a rota or other pattern to cover what she needs.

  66. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

    Runners of AAM: How are you dealing with the quiet time of the year (running-wise)? Any winter races coming up?

    I found out this week that I got selected for the NYC Half in March. Ordinarily I’d be shouting from the rooftops. But I was so convinced I wouldn’t get selected from the lottery (I forgot the drawing was even taking place Wednesday!) that I’d mentally figured I’d use the winter to rest my knee, which hasn’t recovered yet from training for the marathon I didn’t run. Oops! This race sounds incredible, though, and I’m going to take it as easy as I possibly can the next few weeks and hope I’m ready when the bell rings March 17.

    1. LGC*

      Congrats! And good luck!

      The new course is…an experience. Probably the roughest part physically is the FDR (which I think is miles 5 through 7 or so), since there are no spectators, you’re completely exposed, and it’s March. It’s scenic. But it can get WINDY.

      (Oh yeah and Central Park. You’re going counterclockwise and through the hillier northern section. The last half mile is downhill though – as in, I sped up MASSIVELY when I hit the 800m sign after barely holding on for 10-12.)

      If I remember correctly, the first mile is downhill from Prospect Park, the Manhattan Bridge is 2-3, then Chinatown, the FDR, Midtown/5th (up to mile 9), and the last 4 are in Central Park. I think it’s one of the hilliest races that NYRR does – the elevation gain per mile is slightly more than the NYC Marathon! (I had to look it up but according to the data it’s 835 total feet of gain for the full and 429 for NYC Half.)

      If they use the same start as last year, it’s two waves, and I think the break point is about 2 hours.
      One cool thing about the setup is that the corrals are next to each other for both waves. So Wave 2 corral A is set up next to the pro/elite field.

      I’d do it again because I’m a masochist it’s a decent race and it’s perfectly timed as a Boston tuneup, but since my best friend is getting married that day…I can run it next year. (Although it was SUPER frustrating in November when I literally could not open a website without seeing, “HEY LGC DID YOU SIGN UP YET” and half my emails were from NYRR reminding me to sign up.)

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        Thanks for all the course info! I’m actually really looking forward to doing the FDR section once. We’ll see if it’s a 20 degree day.

        Stupid question – what does “the break point is 2 hours” mean? Might just be trying to post at 7:25 am before my brain has throttled up, but… thought “break point” was a surfing term. Thanks!

        1. LGC*

          The way the start was set up last year (and again, this was the first year they did this course, so I’m not sure if they’ll keep it this year just because things are new) was that the first wave and second wave were side-by-side coming out of the park. So, the Wave 2 Corral A is set up next to the elite field, which might be nice (but then I enjoy pro-watching, so YMMV). They seed runners by expected finishing time, and I think that Wave 1 was basically runners under 2:00 and Wave 2 was basically runners at or over 2:00. (I might be off, though.)

          I’ll also note – again, last year was cold and windy! (It was at about freezing at the start.) Probably the bigger concern was the wind, but that depends on the weather that day. For me, that has a huge effect on how I do and how much I enjoy the race.

    2. CheeryO*

      Congrats on getting in! Hope the knee cooperates for you.

      I honestly hate this time of year because I get insanely lazy without a goal race on the horizon! I signed up for a few races starting in February, so I’ll probably give myself one more lazy week then get back to it.

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        Thanks! Good luck with your February races. Nothing wrong with taking it a little easier this time of the year, I think.

    3. First 5K*

      I survived my first 5K! I didn’t go as fast as my actual best time (which is still pretty slow since I walk more than run right now) but I finished! And I wasn’t last either! I’m really glad I did it though – it was fun!

      Next goal is to keep exercising and push myself to run more and more until I’m running the whole time.

      Hope everything works out for your NYC Half in March, The Librarian!

    4. Justin*

      Running Corbitt next week. Basically working out the areas of weakness and focusing more on speed than endurance.

      NYC Half is great. I’ve run the last five, taking a year off this year. I’ll be out there cheering. When it gets close, put your bib# in the previous open thread if you want me to track/follow/cheer!

    5. Bulbasaur*

      Entering busy season for me (southern hemisphere). I’m scaling my distance up gradually with the goal of completing the 10k distance in the annual February event here. Once this would have been routine for me, but I’ve missed the last two due to persistent injury problems and I’ve completely changed my running style to address underlying biomechanical issues, so… not routine this time. If I manage, it will be the first 10k I’ve completed in four years.

      I did 6k last week and that went OK. My plan is to push it up by about half a km each week from now on.

      1. LGC*

        Damn, the busy season is the summer for y’all?! I’d have almost imagined winter (so…that’s like June through September, right?).

        Good luck with your training, and I’ll know you’ll get back to being able to do a 10k! You have a pretty good plan with bumping up the distance a little bit.

        1. Bulbasaur*

          Thanks. First 10k with the new (and hopefully more sustainable) running action would be a nice milestone. I should be OK as I was doing 8-9k fairly comfortably before the last injury, which wasn’t actually connected with the running (although it was related to the same underlying issues).

          Summer is busy season for running at least. It depends on local climates, but round here (New Zealand) summer is usually pretty nice and not too hot – high 70s is often enough to get people complaining about the heat. Winters are usually OK for running too and a fair amount happens then, but you have to be prepared to deal with rain a lot of the time.

    6. LGC*

      So, I also forgot to mention:

      -I’m doing Fred Lebow in January. It happens to be the 50th birthday of one of my good friends – in fact, he’s one of the guys that got me into my current running group! This is literally the only reason I’m running a half marathon in January in New York. I’m probably going to try and stay with him – he’s still pretty fast, but he had to take a year off because of surgery last year and I can probably beat him at this point.

      -I really need to respond to the BAA already because I had a bit of a name situation that I want to sort out. They emailed me two weeks ago at this point and I just forgot.

      -I also want to find a half marathon that’s in March but…like, not the 17th. I like having tune-ups, sue me.

      -And I have a 5k next week!

      I don’t really like racing that much in the winter, but there were a couple of compelling races this year. I’m probably going to regret signing up for Boston (or…you know, living in New Jersey) sometime around February, though.

  67. Miss Fisher*

    Does anyone have recommendations for groups to join in Cincinnati Metro area?

    I need to start getting out and doing more, but I really don’t know where to look.

    3. Foreign Octopus*

      Your local library will normally have something like this. Even if they don’t do groups themselves, I’m willing to bet one chicken that they know how to find such things.

  68. Gaia*

    Ok, I am hoping someone here can help me.

    Years ago I read this book told from the perspective of a woman, recounting her past. She met this hippie in England and lived with her in a large abandoned house along with the hippie’s brother. The brother ended up shooting someone, and at the end you find out the narrator was pregnant with his child and now she has a young daughter by him.

    Anyway, I am dying to remember the name of this book (I gave so many clues, I know!). I believe it had a tree on the cover. Does this sound even vaguely familiar to anyone?

      1. jolene*

        Haha, it’s actually The Poison Tree by Erin Kelly, but there is certainly a VERY strong Vine influence to it!

  69. Lonely Guy*

    After the reaction I got last week when I shared the story of my online breakup with “Kitty,” a girl I had briefly chatted with after connecting through the dating site OK Cupid, I was hesitant to write back. The TL;DR recap for those of you who missed it: Girl contacts me through OK Cupid, we chat, turns out she has kids, I don’t want kids, I politely tell her – the end.

    In sharing the story here, I got slammed for expressing (not with her, just here) my disappointment that she didn’t thank me for letting her know, and I also got slammed, big time, for sharing thoughts (again, just here and not to her) that maybe she might have wanted to pursue a friendship anyway, one that could have possibly led to a friends with benefits thing.

    I was also criticized by the way I told her I wasn’t interested. Many of you said my message to her was too long, and that I was wrong for making presumptions so soon about the possibility of something evolving into a long term/permanent thing. I accept that. A lot of this is new to me. I suppose I could have just said “I’m not interested in a relationship with someone who has kids,” and left it at that.

    I was really surprised by how some of you were getting on me for the other two things, the ‘why didn’t she thank me’ and ‘maybe we could have become FWB’ things. Only because these were just private thoughts that I was sharing with you, the Ask A Manager community. I would never have said these things to her, especially not the FWB. Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything here.

    Anyway, there’s a follow-up to the story. The original conversation was Friday 11/23, and on Sunday 11/25 she texted me again. I’m just as surprised as you are. Here’s the transcript:

    Kitty: Hope you’re doing ok? Just checking up on you!

    Me: Hi! Yes, I’m doing fine. How about you?

    Kitty: I’m good

    Me: That’s good. To be honest, I’m surprised to be hearing from you again, but that’s okay.

    Kitty: Checking up on you doesn’t mean anything tho.

    Me: That’s okay.

    End of chat – and I’m baffled. Why did she text back again? Checking up has to mean something, even it’s just “let’s be friends,” otherwise she wouldn’t have done it. And I certainly didn’t say anything bad. Or do you think I shouldn’t have said I was surprised to hear from her again? If that’s how you feel, what should I have said? Should I have just ignored her?

    It doesn’t end here. Tuesday 11/27 she texted a quick “Good morning there!!!” and I responded with “Good morning.” And then it ended. Nothing since.

    To make myself clear with you at Ask A Manager – I’m not pining for her, I’m not staring at the phone longingly waiting for another text, nothing like that. That having been said: what do I make of this?

    1. Anon Anon Anon*

      It sounds like she likes you as a friend. I would take that at face value and text her like you would a friend. Or, if you don’t want to be friends, it’s ok to just stop responding.

    2. KayEss*

      No one except Kitty is going to be able to tell you what she means by the continued contact. If she texts you again, I’d say you’d be okay to respond with an invitation to get coffee or lunch as friends. (Don’t do that if even part of you is secretly angling for FWB, though.) I personally think it’s a bit late to try for that as a response to the 11/27 text, but your mileage may vary on that. If she doesn’t text you again, or if you don’t get a response to a text you send… let it go. Forever.

      And I realize this is easy for an outside party to say, but… try to obsess less over what individual messages or moments “mean.” There’s no way to divine the secret intent behind a message, if there even is one. There usually isn’t. Focus on communicating in a clear and friendly manner about what you would like to have happen, yourself: if you want to meet up, make the offer/invite. If she just wants to text occasionally and you’re not interested in exchanging empty pleasantries every week or so, stop responding. It’s easy to get caught up in this sort of thing as an attempt to “hack” other people’s reactions, like if we could just understand what they REALLY meant, we’d be able to formulate the perfect approach/response… that’s not real. What’s real is that you gotta ask for what you want, and accept and move on if you don’t get it.

      1. fposte*

        Yup. This is the relationship version of “What does that email from the hiring manager *mean*?” This can mean anything from she couldn’t remember who you were to she’s having second thoughts to she gets uncomfortable when she thinks people are unhappy with her. My guess is that it’s the last.

        The difference is that if you want to know what it means, you can ask Kitty. “Hey, what’s up? Want to get coffee that doesn’t mean anything?”

    3. soupmonger*

      You are overthinking all of this. It means nothing at all – a text or two is nothing. Your whole post last week was overthought and overwrought- please, just relax a bit!

      1. Zona the Great*

        I think it’s bizarre to text someone to check up on them if she declared he’s coming on too strongly. Sounds like a weird game OP should not participate in.

      2. AcademiaNut*

        Also – go to Dr Nerdlove! He writes a great relationship advice column that I think would help you a lot, particularly with the overthinking thing part.

    4. Close Bracket*

      Heck if I know. If you liked her company enough to be friends, you could ask her to do something as friends. I feel like if she wants something from you, though, it’s up to her to put that into words and just tell you what’s up.

      One thing I have found, and this is just the personal experience of one woman who is on the spectrum and doesn’t understand people anyway, is that friendships that form from thwarted romances tend to die out when the more romantically inclined party finds a significant other. YMMV.

      Don’t take the words of people chastising you for not wanting to date people with kids to heart. A lot of people who date, with or without kids, fall in love and get married, and you just have to wonder how exactly those people think a marriage without introducing their kids to their new spouse is going to work, or whether they truly believe that someone would marry them without being introduced to their kids.

    5. GhostWriter*

      I always assumed that people who send vague texts (or e-mails or DMs or whatever) are bored or lonely. Back in college, anytime a guy I don’t know well sent me a vague text, I’d bring up something interesting I was doing or thinking about and we’d talk for a while, but then it’d die off when I turned the discussion to them, or I’d gave a vague response and the discussion died there. So basically the conversations died unless I put effort into them (so presumably they were bored or lonely and not genuinely interested in me).

      If Kitty’s not asking specific questions or bringing up interesting things in an effort to draw you into a conversation, I can’t imagine it meaning much and wouldn’t worry about it.

    6. Basia, also a fed*

      Some of us were supportive of the way you handled it last week! Just pointing that out because it is easy to see all of the criticism and think “they all had bad things to say” and forget that some of us were fine with the way you handled it. I agree with the others – don’t read too much into this. And the right girl will be lucky to have you!

      1. Ktelzbeth*

        Dating is hard. Aside from worrying a little too much (maybe not, but that’s what your posts make me think of), I think you’re muddling along at least as well as I ever do. Hang in there and try not to plan too far ahead or let your worries get the best of you.

    7. lychee*

      I was really surprised by how some of you were getting on me for the other two things, the ‘why didn’t she thank me’ and ‘maybe we could have become FWB’ things. Only because these were just private thoughts that I was sharing with you, the Ask A Manager community. I would never have said these things to her, especially not the FWB. Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything here.

      The whole point was that you should not be feeling that you were owed thanks for being frank !!!!!! You still havent grasped the point – whether you tell her or not is irrelevant, you being honest did not necessarily merit a grateful response from Kitty!

      And as your question this week – if you are not pining for her, why brood about why she pinged you? Just ignore her & her messages …perhaps she was feeling bored, perhaps she saw you name on the app and pinged you on an impulse, perhaps she liked you as a person and wanted to remain in touch, prehaps she likes drama and felt like stirrin up some! Just ignore

      1. GhostWriter*

        Yes–being “polite” doesn’t mean you’re entitled to anything (like a gracious thank you). It’s really bad to get into the mindset that women (especially those you barely know) owe you anything. There’s a lot of “nice guys” out there who think simply being nice or doing the bare minimum required to not be a horrible human means they’re owed sex, a date, affection, attention, etc.

        1. Ktelzbeth*

          I’m having trouble with this comment because I think a polite action should be answered with thanks. Is telling someone you don’t think it’s going to work out a polite action? It’s better than ghosting or stringing along, so from that perspective it seems polite and therefore deserving of thanks. But I think it’s simply being a decent person, which should be expected and does not necessarily require special thanks or other notice. It’s just what one should do. It can hurt not to be noticed for doing the right thing, even if it’s a small and commonplace thing and even if you know it is small and commonplace. Hopes and emotions don’t always follow logic.

          1. Jasnah*

            True, it’s not “doing the right thing” to express a preference or a boundary. You’re not “doing them a favor” by telling them you’re not interested in them for X reason. Yes it would be jerky to string them along, but just saying, “Sorry, I can’t do this because X” doesn’t really require gratitude on behalf of the other person… usually people respond “Thanks for telling me” just to buy time as they process the fact that they’ve just been rejected, not to express actual gratitude.

    8. Dan*

      Hey dude…

      So the thing with this place is you’ll get “straight talk” advice. It can be blunt, and you may not like it, but it’s honest. Most of the time it’s accurate. Sometimes it’s unnecessarily rude, but that’s not all that often.

      I missed your thread last week, so didn’t post on the more general dating topic. But dude to dude, you’re making this way hard on yourself. Some advice: In the early days of a relationship (if I had to guess, maybe the first three months or so of actually seeing each other face to face) you’re just doing the tango of “do I like this person *as they are* and do I want to see more of them?” If the answers are “yes” and “yes”, then you keep it up. If the answer is no to either, then either one of you should peace out.

      Now here’s the kicker: In those early days, if things don’t work out, *it doesn’t matter why*. Neither one of you is owed an explanation, and TBH, I don’t think either one of you really wants one. You might think you do, but I’m guessing you really don’t. Why do I think that? Because rejections can be (and often are) painful. If someone is rejecting you because of something you can’t (or don’t want) to change about yourself, how badly do you want to know that? And who do they think they are, deciding that thing about you isn’t “good enough” for them? You two may not be right for each other, but *as you are* you may be right for someone else. Put your energy into finding that someone, not in convincing the person in front of you that you really are what they want and they just don’t know it.

      That means in the early days, when you decide to peace out, no long letters. A brief “sorry, not my jam” is all that’s required. You don’t even need a reason. Does it really matter *to her* that you don’t want to date someone with kids? No. All that matters (and all that she needs to know) is that you aren’t for each other at this moment in time. BTW, the others are correct — to your intended audience, you aren’t using the right language to convey you are not interested in dating a woman with children. Your wording indicates that you have no intention of procreating, and that’s it. We can quibble, but what’s important is that your intended audience properly understand your intentions, and your expressed wording doesn’t get your message across the way you want.

      As to the current exchange… she may or may not be up for FWB. There’s no way to know without meeting for coffee or whatever. She may not even know herself yet. Here’s the kicker: You won’t know unless you unwind and be chill about the whole thing. You really have to get into an “I don’t care what happens, let’s just enjoy the ride” mindset. You might get an long term girlfriend. You might not. You might get an FWB. You might not. But the tighter you wrap yourself around the axle, the harder it’s going to be to get either. Why? Because the early days of a relationship are supposed to be fund an easy. The more work it is, the faster people should bail. Desperate people have a way of letting it show (see long email breaking things off) even if they don’t think they are desperate or are letting it show.

      Piece of advice, coming from a divorced guy. I may or may not want to get married again. I’m totally cool with doing my own thing, so if I don’t, no biggie. I may or may not want kids. I lean toward no, but I could meet someone who could change my mind. I may or may not want an FWB (ok, what dude doesn’t want an FWB?). Here’s the real kicker: I can’t negotiate these things ahead of time. I can’t expect others to know what they want. All you can do is go with the flow and see what happens. I’ve dated women who are great on paper, and who would make excellent long term partners… and then it turns out I’m not sexually attracted to them. I’ve dated women who I’m sexually attracted to but who probably aren’t right for me long term. One of them ended up FWB, and has been for quite awhile.

      With this girl? She likes you enough to give you the time of day. If you’re interested, get back to her. People may say it might be too late, but you won’t know unless you try. But you gotta be chill, and if FWB doesn’t materialize, you can’t write back and express your frustration.

    9. AvonLady Barksdale*

      There is nothing to make of this beyond the fact that it happened. That’s it. Spending time trying to figure out her motives and trying to parse out every phrase is an exercise– a wasted one– in frustration. She said hello. You responded the way you responded. She responded. That’s all you have. If you want to meet her in person, you can say, “Good to hear from you! Any interest in coffee later this week?” or whatever. But you should not spend your time trying to create words or motives that may or may not be there. If you would rather not hear from her ever again, then it’s on you to say as much (at this stage, anyway, because this certainly hasn’t reached harassment levels). Just chalk it up to, “Huh, that’s odd” and either answer or ignore.

    10. Maya Elena*

      1) You were the Rejector in this scenario, it seems, so the ball is in your court. Stick to your decision and cut her loose, don’t string her along with your own texts. Or else use this as an opening to gracefully apologize and ask her out anyway, and then give her an opportunity to accept or reject you, so that SHE doesn’t zteinf you along with texts.

      2) Building on 1, texts are low effort and, as such, meaningless. Usually it is girls, not guys, who need to be told this.
      Her specific reason for the text can be whatever she felt in the moment – actual concern, boredom, attempt to get your attention back because ahe likes you, who the heck knows. Doesn’t change your responsibility to figure out what you want and acting on it forthrightly. (Also this is a habit that generally makes you more attractive.)

    11. Courageous cat*

      Just went back and read the original thread. You seem to be placing a lot of emphasis on the fact that you told all your secret thoughts to AAM and not her. People are getting onto you for having the thoughts in the first place, not where you put them. Honestly you should read about how incels treat women, because that will give you some insight on why you don’t owe being thanked, or anything else.

      Agree with everyone else that you’re overthinking this in general, and like Alison says with jobs, you should just assume nothing will ever come of it and proceed accordingly as if that were the case.

      1. valentine*

        Lonely Guy, regardless of whether you keep your thoughts secret, they affect the way you interact with women. You can ask Kitty what, if anything, she wants; wait and see; or block her and spare yourself further agony if you can’t stop wondering what it all means.

        Don’t be this guy: https://captainawkward.com/…/296-how-do-i-start-to-date-a-counter-intuitive-primer/

    13. LilySparrow*

      I am getting to be an old married lady, and when I read or hear anything about the current dating scene, I feel even older. But for what it’s worth, here’s one fat old Gen X lady’s take:

      You said you have no intention of dealing with her kids or welcoming them into your heart, or assuming any financial or emotional support of them. And you understand that your stance might be a deal breaker for her, and if so, no hard feelings.

      She’s still texting you.

      It’s not a deal breaker.

      Now, as far as my personal opinion, I don’t like coyness. It’s a big turnoff to me. “I’m checking up on you but it doesn’t mean anything?” Gag me, as we used to say in the 80’s, with a spork.

      And if the roles were reversed and a dude were texting me these kind of drive-by nothingburgers, I’d block him for being a feckless twit.

      But you’re the dude. And you may enjoy coy hinting. De gustibus.

      So just ask her out to meet in person. She’ll either say yes or no. And so forth. Just ask if she wants to do whatever it is you want to do.

      But I’d caution you to be prepared for a lot of unclear, conflicted communication. Her whole approach to this situation reads to me as either game playing or a hot mess. Possibly both. I doubt she will become easier to read as time goes on.

  70. MsChanandlerBong*

    I am feeling very festive this year. Had my decorations up the week before Thanksgiving, and all my shopping is done as of this morning. I went a little overboard, but I have my reasons. My LAD artery has an 80% blockage, but it’s in a spot they can’t reach to put in a stent, so I’m a bit concerned that I’ll have another heart attack in the near future. If I don’t make it to next Christmas, I want to leave everybody with a good impression! We’re also making it a priority to do all the Christmas-y stuff we always say we want to do and then never manage to do when it comes around. We got matching shirts with a quote from “Christmas Vacation” and plan to wear them to see the movie in the theater next week. We are also going to see The Messiah, heading to the festival of lights put on by our city, and going to the symphony’s holiday concert, which features the symphony along with local choirs and a special visit from Santa.

    Anyone else feeling extra-festive this year?

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        I don’t know. On October 4, my cardiologist said he wanted to refer me to a specialist in chronic total occlusion (my LAD is only 80% blocked, but my right coronary artery is 100% blocked). He said I’d probably hear back from him the next Monday. I didn’t hear back, so I sent a message via the patient portal…no response. I called the office, and they said that they responded to me on the portal, so I guess the portal isn’t working right. Anyway, she said they’d call me back the next day. No phone call. So finally, about five weeks after my appointment, they called and said the doctor reviewed my cardiac cath report and is not referring me for any additional procedures at this time. He plans to discuss it with me at my appt. on January 8. So I don’t know if he talked to the specialist and they decided I am not a candidate for a CTO procedure, or if he just changed his mind, or what happened. I’ll find out in five weeks!

    2. fposte*

      Ms. C! Have yourself a big congratulations on finishing the shopping. Bummer on the LAD, though. Is a bypass in the cards?

      I’m doing more long-distance shopping and need to get my rear in gear for a few people, but I’ve put up my decorations.

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        No mention of a bypass yet (I’m only 37–I sure hope not!). Right now, I’m on high-dose Lipitor, beta blockers, blood thinners (Plavix and aspirin), amlodipine, and Lasix. I’m also waiting to get the results of some blood tests. My rheumatologist is positive I don’t have lupus and thinks that maybe my monoclonal gammopathy is causing an autoimmune response (monoclonal gammopathy = I have a protein in my blood that isn’t supposed to be there). He also thinks there is a small chance I have a rare blood disorder called POEMS syndrome. I meet pretty much all of the criteria. There is no definitive test for it, but he sent me for some labs that could support such a diagnosis if they are abnormally high. People with POEMS tend to have heart issues, so once I get the lab tests back, maybe my rheum and my cardiologist can coordinate.

        1. fposte*

          If you’re going to have syndrome, might as well have one with an artistic name. I hope that leads to sorting things out a bit for you–it’d be nice for you to get a physical break (but not a literal one).

          1. MsChanandlerBong*

            If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard that a doctor is stymied, or that I have some kind of unusual or odd situation, I’d be a rich woman! Might as well add a rare syndrome (seriously, only a few hundred people have been diagnosed with it) to the list.

    3. Always Anon*

      Regarding the artery blockage, please consider looking on YouTube for videos by Dr. Caldwell Esselstyn. And get his book on preventing and reversing heart disease. Also Google The Engine 2 Seven-Day Rescue Diet, sign up on the website so you can get into their Facebook group (you can’t do it directly from FB because they had too many scammers) and lurk there for awhile. Also if you have Netflix watch the documentary Forks Over Knives. All of this is about healing with plant based nutrition and there’s evidence based medicine (research) behind it.

    4. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      Late to say this, but thinking of you. Please keep us posted? The heart stuff is scary. (Sister doesn’t have that, but something caused her to lose 80% of her pumping function). A shock. So glad that you are enjoying the season..

  71. Car Accident Update*

    Towards the end of October, I posted about having been in a car accident, having been injured, and not being able to get to the doctor. I never made it to the doctor, but I’m happy to say that I’ve completely recovered. Thank you to everyone who commented and urged me to seek medical care. I really appreciate it.

  72. SigneL*

    Is anyone out there a picky eater as an adult? There are lots of things that have a very strong taste that I just don’t like (asparagus comes to mind), or have a texture that is unpleasant to me (bananas – too mushy!). People don’t understand when I try to explain that I don’t like X food. Like, you’re an adult, get over it. Anyone else have this problem? How do you cope?

    1. Lcsa99*

      I have this problem. I get so much anxiety over new restaurants or eating with strangers. I have coworkers who have invited me to lunch several times and I would love to hang with them, but it’s always thai food, which gives me literally nothing I can eat. I basically eat like a toddler. So many smells and textures turn me off. Even thinking about some foods can make me nauseous. And most people don’t understand. I have had so many people try to get me to try things or purposely not tell me about an ingredient in something they are serving and it’s just made me so much more anxious about food.

      I am honestly blessed that my husband understands and helps protect me a bit and his parents are great too, always letting us check out menus before going out. It’s not quite as stress free when my mother in law is cooking for us, but they have never once asked why there is so little I am putting on my plate or try to get me to try new things.

      Other than that I honestly think what I do would be considered more avoiding than coping. Like my coworkers mentioned above I don’t go out to lunch with people who don’t know. I eat a full sized meal before going to weddings or parties. I know it’s not healthy, but it’s worked for me so far.

      1. KayEss*

        I have a broader range of things I can eat than it sounds like you do, but boy do I feel all of those situational feelings. /fist bump of commiseration

        Normal eaters gripe about “picky” people sometimes, and I get that people do exist who are rude about their preferences and restrictions, but I really feel like most of us experience a lot of shame and anxiety about this and go out of our way to not be perceived as a problem, even if it means isolating ourselves. I’ve had food-related social situations that were borderline-traumatic… usually because I genuinely tried to eat something that I thought I’d be able to handle, only to find that my body physically would not allow me to swallow it. One light-hearted tease about how “KayEss didn’t clean her plate” when I’m sitting there hating myself for being unable to do this thing that literally everyone else in the world is able to do is enough to make me break down in tears at the table.

      2. Courageous cat*

        There’s a name for this, it’s some type of eating disorder apparently – I have a friend with it as well.

    2. heckofabecca*

      YES. Boy do I. There are so many things that I can’t eat but wish I could. It’d be so much easier for me AND everyone else if I didn’t have these limitations! GAH.

      Anyway, I deal by:
      – It’s not ‘I’m a picky eater,’ it’s ‘I have sensory issues.’ Reframing the language like that works much better on the whole
      – inviting people to my house for dinner so I can cater to my own tastes first and foremost
      – if I’m going to someone else’s for dinner, I let people know that I have sensory issues and ask them to keep the MOST offensive ones off-limits—and when possible, I offer to bring something I *can* eat just in case
      – make sure I have a say in restaurant :)
      – whenever someone else says they don’t like X food, I either say “me neither!” or “yay, more for me!” rather than “how can you not like X!?”

    3. Not A Manager*

      Maybe don’t say what foods you don’t like? Intrusive people are gonna intrude, but I think it’s easier to maintain boundaries if you simply decline what you don’t want, and eat what you do want. “Asparagus soup? No thank you, but I will have some of that delicious bread.” “Oh, I don’t care for any bananas flambe, but please give me a scoop of the vanilla ice cream.”

      Polite people won’t make comments about your food choices. Responses to other people include, “no thank you, I don’t care for any,” “I prefer the white rice, thanks,” and “I’m fine with this.”

      If you feel that you MUST respond to questions, I think you’ll get better results from “it doesn’t sit right with me,” or “I have a delicate stomach” than you will by saying that you just don’t like it.

    4. Enough*

      Daughter doesn’t like bananas either. Never have figured out what it was about them as she likes banana flavored candies and would eat baby food bananas. Also doesn’t like tomatoes, like slices on sandwiches or even little chunks on salads but will eat salsa. And while she can be picky she also up to trying new things and re-trying old.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        This is how I felt about tomatoes for a very long time. I’m 44 and I just started really liking them these last three years or so. For me it was a texture thing with raw tomatoes. Meaning that goopy slime inside. I’d eat them chopped for tacos or fresh salsa, tomato sauce (cooked and fresh), ketchup, sliced and cooked on a pizza or focaccia bread, etc. But there was no way I’d eat a sliced raw tomato or those cherry tomatoes. So gross. But then I actually tried grape tomatoes and they taste so much better than cherry tomatoes and are smaller, so I got used to them. Now I use them for tomato and mozzarella salad in the summer, and grow my own and really like them. But I still won’t eat a sliced raw tomato.

      2. Miss Fisher*

        These are two of the main things I cannot eat. Tomatoes have that gross squishy center. Bananas just gross me out because they leach onto everything. Want a banana packed with lunch? Better prepare to have your sandwich taste and smell like bananas. All the healthy recipes I have seen lately substitute bananas for so much. Besides that, I won’t do pork, can do ham etc, but pork chops or spare ribs just taste too porky. What I cannot tolerate is spice on any level. My body cannot take the heat.

    5. KayEss*

      I cope by… literally just avoiding any situation where I don’t have sufficient control over the food to ensure I can eat without being questioned, basically. I go out to eat with my friends, rather than having a culture of hosting each other for homemade dinners. I host my in-laws and prepare food myself, rather than stay with them and endure multiple meals where I have to cover my gagging as I try to choke down food that I OUGHT to be able to eat, but physically CAN’T. (Fun tip: back when I used to stay with them, I would bring a secret stash of granola bars in my luggage to ensure I wouldn’t go hungry. It was a good strategy, but I’m glad I don’t have to do it anymore.) And my own parents have dealt with me for 30 years so I’m at the point where I feel comfortable being like, “I see you are having [thing I don’t like] for dinner so I’m just gonna head home and let you enjoy that, byeeeeee.”

      I’m also fortunate in that pretty much everyone I know is kind and polite enough that they don’t ask questions about what I’m eating or not eating, beyond whether I feel I’ve had enough to fill me up sufficiently. For people who won’t take “I don’t like bananas” as an answer, it might be better to offer even less explanation? Like the answer to “do you want a banana” can be just “oh, no thanks, but you go ahead” and repeat as necessary… and if things get weird, feel free to deploy the “dude, why are you making this weird, I just don’t want a banana” option.

    6. msroboto*

      I eat what I want. I also dislike most cooked vegetables and bananas (yup texture is an issue). I don’t talk to people about it. Who cares if there is asparagus on my plate I leave it no explanation needed. If it’s a restaurant no broccoli or mixed veg for me thanks.

      It’s not anyone’s business why I eat what I eat.
      I will eat salads so I’m not totally not eating veg but again that’s on me.

    7. Anonymous Educator*

      Is anyone out there a picky eater as an adult?

      I’ve been what people “picky” pretty much entire life. And, despite what some self-righteous jerks think, this has nothing to do with how my parents raised me. I was actually force-fed meat as I was growing up and vomited on the regular because of it. Being forced to eat food I hated didn’t (surprise, surprise) magically turn me into some future food travel show host. My sibling, raised with the same food, developed completely different tastes from mine. I don’t know if it’s genetic or decided in utero or whatever, but for some of us it’s definitely not a choice, and framing it as “being picky” just makes it sound as if you’re being difficult or close-minded instead of literally being at the point of vomiting if you eat disgusting food. Maybe others aren’t quite at the vomit point, but it’s definitely far from “Oh, that’s not my absolute favorite food.”

      Anyone else have this problem? How do you cope?

      I just own it. I tell people there are lots of foods I don’t eat. My friends even have a term for foods I do eat, which is Anonymous Educator–friendly. It’s just a known thing.

      And I am not fussy. I’ll really eat anywhere as long as there’s literally one thing I can eat on the menu, even if it’s not my favorite, and even if others wouldn’t consider it a proper meal. If I go to a steakhouse that has a vegetable side, I’ll get it, even if it’s just mashed potatoes. If I go to a seafood restaurant that has zero non-seafood options, I’ll order a pasta with shrimp and just not eat the shrimp.

      I think owning it has really helped me to make things less awkward. The more you let people think you’re “normal” as far as eating goes, the more awkward it gets when you suddenly aren’t.

      P.S. It sounds as if we have completely different things that turn us off (I actually love asparagus and bananas, just not together), but I’m sure we’ve been in similar weird food social situations.

      1. tangerineRose*

        I’m a picky eater as an adult and was a picky eater as a kid. Some foods and smells and textures just make me feel nauseated if I think of eating the foods – I’m usually OK with the smells as long as I don’t have to try eating them.

        I’m not fond of bananas either – they usually are so mushy and don’t usually seem to have a lot of taste to me. Most restaurants usually have a few things I can eat. It does get tricky sometimes. At family gatherings, it’s gotten accepted that I’m like that, sometimes I get teased a little, but not much and only nicely.

    8. Lissa*

      I’m coming from the other side of this, so feel free to skip this if you only wanted to hear from fellow picky eaters! I eat pretty much anything but have multiple family/friends with extreme pickiness going on, and I know for one I prefer to know in advance what’s going on, and only get frustrated when people do things like call my food disgusting, or tell me about how what I am eating makes them “want to gag” or whatever. I’m never sure if it’s a passive-aggressive way of telling me too late they wish I hadn’t ordered something, or what! But as one of the only people in my social circle without food restrictions I never mind hearing “oh could we do Japanese instead, there’s more things I can eat”, it’s seriously SO much better than being made to feel like I keep having to toss out suggestions to be rejected. Maybe you taking control of food-related activities would be helpful, too?

      1. WellRed*

        I hate when people say, oh, that’s gross. No, it’s not gross. You just don’t like it and that’s Ok! No need to be insulting.

      2. The Other Dawn*

        Yes, I agree with this completely. I have no problem with someone being a picky eater or just not liking a certain food I’m making. There’s no need to tell me how gross it is, or looks, or smells. No need to make weird faces or pretend to be gagging. It’s feels insulting sometimes. Just say you don’t care for whatever it is and will have something else. (Not saying OP does this, just saying in general.)

    9. Wicked Witch of the West*

      I love asparagus if it isn’t cooked to mush. I’m with you on bananas, although I do like banana bread. Also dislike oranges in any fashion. Don’t like milkshakes or smoothies of any kind. I’m sure it’s a texture thing. Not fond of oysters, clams, mussels etc either. Used to have a friend who wouldn’t eat fruit of any kind.

      Just eat what you like and avoid what you don’t. If people have a problem with that, it’s their problem, not yours.

    10. Bagpuss*

      I would try explaining less. Just stick to “I don’t eat asparagus” or “I don’t eat bananas, thanks”
      In situations where you are eating out, if you don’t want to go to a particular restaurant, then it’s really helpful if you can suggest an alternative, and if you are visiting someone’s home, it depends how well you know them, and how restrictive your food needs are, but again, offering a solution can be helpful (depending on circumstances and how many and what sorts of things you can and can’t eat, this might include offering to bring something, or letting them know that you would be happy to have a cheese sandwich, or something similarly simple, if their menu is a no-go area. If you can eat come of what is serves but not all, then just pass on the element you don’t want )
      For people you know well, you could explain which things you can’t eat, and they may be able to accommodate it. For instance, my dad doesn’t eat raw tomato, so if we I am making a mixed salad when he is visiting, I’ll make it without tomatoes and have them on the side, everyone else can add tomato to their portion of salad once it is on their plate. Similarly, my sister doesn’t eat mushrooms, so I would either leave them out of a dish altogether, or set aside part of the dish before adding the mushrooms, or serve them on the side, depending wht I’m making.

      I’m not a picky eater, but I have a family member who has a lot of things they avoid, and normally they will just say ‘I don’t eat x’

    11. Mobuy*

      My friend once told me that he realized being an adult didn’t mean he had to like things — it meant he didn’t have to eat things he doesn’t like! I immediately stopped trying to like olives and pickles, and I’m very happy about my decision.

    12. Kat in VA*

      Seconded. There are many things that most folks love (bananas, avocados, etc.) that I do not like. I’m an adventurous eater, but there are a few basic staples that I’m just not fond of…like pizza. I’ll eat it but meh.

      When I get static for not eating the way other people do or whatever, my response is something along the lines of, “It’s so awesome I’m an adult – I can eat cake for breakfast and NOT eat avocado whenever I want!”

  73. CreativeUserName*

    My mom’s been acting really out of left field lately, causing fights and stirring up drama, which is completely unlike her. I’m been really baffled by her actions lately, I’ve been keeping the kiddos away from grandma since she kept talking over me when I was parenting and then when I finally yelled (simply to be heard, since she was talking over me and we were at a ChuckeCheese type place) “Mom!!! Stop he wasn’t !!“ she lost it on me and swore at me and then stormed off. To give context my mom is Uber Christian and Does Not use foul language. She’s been picking fights with my brother, accusing me of turning siblings against her, trying to control her, just weird stuff.

    So I was worried she was having early onset dementia or brain cancer. Turns out her boyfriend broke up with her. Go figure. So now I’m kinda like, I know why you are being nutter butters but you don’t see why you’re being nutter butters and I can’t really be around you BECAUSE you’re being nutter butters, so there’s no one around to support you when you need it. Is this what it’s like having a teenager? Cause if so my kids aren’t allowed to grow up.

    1. Not A Manager*

      Yick. Is this how she’s always handled stress? Because if not, she really might be ill. Not that it will be easy to get her to a doctor. But keep an eye on it.

      Otherwise, I’d reach out, once, and speak to her the way I used to speak to my teens. “Mom, I know that you’re in a lot of distress right now. Of course you feel bad after a big breakup. I’m sorry and I want to support you. But you can’t take it out on me, you can’t take it out on the kids, and you can’t undermine my parenting. Tell me how I can be helpful to you. Would it be better for us to hang out one-on-one for a while, so that the kids don’t get rowdy? Do you want to come over here, so that they can go play after a little while?”

      See if she can agree to control herself. But if she can’t, then you need to limit your contact, or at least severely limit the kids’ contact.

    2. Madge*

      Urinary tract infections can also cause odd behavior in older adult. Perhaps also a change in medications. And her break up could also be a result of her behavior. I’d encourage her to see her doctor.

      1. Miss Fisher*

        This! My grandmother went completely banana crackers at one point after my grandfather had passed. It was to the point that we had her put into a 72 hour eval. It was a Uti. She is going through a lot of the same stuff now but has Alzheimer’s which causes some similar and very odd symptoms. She doesn’t remember my mom. It’s only my mom, the one who mostly takes care of her. She keeps telling her friend my dad has some woman living with him. They have been married for 45 yrs.

    3. Wishing You Well*

      Yes, a doctor’s visit would be very wise, if she’ll go.
      Also, if you find that Harry Potter spell that skips the teenage years, PLEASE share!

  74. The Other Dawn*

    I’m so shocked I have half my Christmas shopping done already and it’s only December 1. And today we got our trees (we do one in the living room and one in the family room). We decided to cut our own this year, because we need them to last an extra week or two. We went to a little family-owned tree farm and all their trees are 30.00, which is very cheap here (most start at 50.00 and up). One of the workers called us aside while we were looking and offered us a tree for 10.00. Apparently someone cut it down yesterday and just left it in the field and didn’t tell anyone. They wanted to make sure it didn’t get wasted. It’s beautiful, too: 7 feet tall, nice shape, and very fat and full. Right place, right time!

    Usually we’re trying to squeeze in time to get a tree due to my husband’s work schedule and the fact that all the cut-your-own places close before we get home, and typically don’t get around to decorating and putting the tree up until the second week of December. Even if we get a pre-cut one or just put up the artificial one, it still takes us awhile, which makes the season seem all that much shorter.

    I feel so accomplished. :)

    2. The Other CC*

      That sounds so lovely! I so wish I wasn’t allergic to real Christmas trees. Nice how things work out sometimes :)

  75. Junior Dev*

    Mental health thread! How are you doing? What are you struggling with? What are you proud of?

    Sorry I’m late on this one, had a busy early part of the day.

    I am struggling with energy levels and eating and sleeping the proper amount to maintain them. It’s winter and there are about 4 hours of daylight. I have a SAD lamp I should be using but keep forgetting.

    I’m proud of really relaxing these last couple weeks, I’ve been on vacation and my stress levels are way down.

    How are you doing?

    1. GhostWriter*

      I’ve been a lip-picker since I was a kid. I associate it with anxiety, and I apparently only do it while alone (I tell people to scold me if they see me picking my lips, but everyone always says they never see me doing it). I realized today that I often do it while I’m on the computer. I guess since my mind is focused on the computer it’s easier for me to mindlessly rip my lips apart? Anyway, I’m going to try to wear gloves whenever I’m on the computer now and see if that helps me stop. I’ve only ever typed with fingerless gloves before, so using full fingered gloves is a bit awkward so far.

      1. StellaBella*

        good luck. I do this too – was doing it when I read this – mindless habit. I also scratch my skin if I get a pimple, so end up with sometimes big spots of red. it is definitely anxiety related for me. good luck with the gloves and mindfulness.

        1. GhostWriter*

          Thanks! I pick pimples too. I can only resist for about a day. I know it’s going to look worse afterwards but I just can’t stop because it feels great for the 5 or 10 seconds I’m doing it. :/

      2. Not So NewReader*

        This is going to sound a little weird, bear with me. I used to pick at my lips for a long time. One thing that seemed to help was getting more water into me. I used the dry lips to remind myself, “time for more water!”
        I also bought nice chap stick that actually works as opposed to the chap stick that just sits on top of the skin and does nothing. My current fav is Dr. Bronner’s chap stick.
        Make sure you are getting healthy oils in your meals. The body needs oils same as it needs regular hydration.
        This is a two pronged approach, internal helpers and external helpers. If your lips are less dry it will be easier to stop picking.
        For me I was sure there was some psychological component to my habit. However, even if I did figure out the psychology of it, I would still have to deal with the physical habit. So I cut to the chase and just dealt with the physical habit.
        You can keep your nails trimmed also so that it’s harder to pick.

        1. GhostWriter*

          My current favorite lip balm is Cococare Cocoa Butter lip balm. A good lip balm makes such a difference! I used various Chapstick and Blistex ones until like a year ago when I found out they had drying ingredients (like menthol) in them. My lips would be a flaky mess every morning. No flakes anymore even if I picked my lips the night before. :)

          What healthy oils do you mean? I use a lot of olive oil while cooking, but I’m not sure if I eat any other oils.

          I did start drinking a lot more water about a year ago. I carry around a 32 ounce bottle now.

      3. Red*

        I do that, too. I’ve found a few things that help:

        – Good lip balm. I like Burt’s Bees. If my lips aren’t dry and peel-y, I’m less likely to find things to pick at.
        – Lots of water. Same thing as above, plus water is good for you. We’re basically houseplants with messy emotions.
        – Odd tip that I discovered completely by accident, but I found thick nail polish helps me because I can’t get as good a grip on the peelies. Gel nails were good, but I switched to dip powder to avoid the UV lamps.

        1. GhostWriter*

          I like the description of us as “houseplants with messy emotions.” :) Very good way to look at it.

          Nail polish isn’t really my thing, though I do try to keep my nails short as Not So New Reader said above. That’s interesting though since I usually associate the nail polish tip with nail biting prevention. (Luckily I just have skin picking issues.)

      4. Mimmy*

        I too am a lifelong lip-picker. I think I’m better than I was when I was younger, but I still do it occasionally. I will definitely consider the ideas given in this thread. I try to get water whenever I can if at a cafeteria or just at home.

        The lip balm I use is ChapStick brand, but it works pretty well. It’s called “Total Hydration” and says “3 in 1 lip care”, though I’m not seeing what that means exactly (it was probably on the packaging, which I threw away).

    2. Chi chan*

      I am living with my parents and desperately want to move out. I can’t find a job that will allow me to afford that. And I hate life living here. I hate that after working hard in college and at entry level jobs I can’t make a decision about my life that I am satisfied with. I hate my parents knowing what I am doing all the time and thinking they know best when they are out of touch.

      1. StellaBella*

        Oh Chi chan this is a hard one. Can you afford to rent a room or get a roommate? In terms of social stuff can you get out more, which may lead to more networking, which may lead to better work? Best of luck.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        Decision making. It’s daunting that is for sure. Perhaps it would help to reframe. Look at things in terms of “can I do this for 2 years or 3 years?”. That may be easier than, “Can I do this for the REST OF MY LIFE?”. (ugh)

    3. StellaBella*

      Yikes, 4 hrs daylight you are very far north. I interviewed for a job in a very northern city recently, and was not too keen on that aspect. Stay strong, Junior Dev and use your SAD light. :) Am glad you are enjoying your vacation too.

      Today (Sunday morning here), I am doing OK. I have mostly moved (from UK back to mainland Europe), have a short last trip to move last stuff soon. I graduated and got a very good mark for my thesis. I managed to cope with getting my cat into a travel box, onto the plane in the cabin, and home. She’s coping too, fairly well. I slept well two days this week so am feeling pretty good. Am a bit stressed about a few things related to finding a new *place we don’t mention*. But overall am coping pretty well. I am looking forward to a calm few weeks and to planning next steps. Trying to be mindful, too.

    4. Dr. Glowcat Twinklepuff*

      Re: 4 hours of daylight; are you taking your daily spoon of fish oil? It’s an habit that still amuses me, after one year since moving to a very northern country :) I never tried a SAD lamp, it’s one of those things I keep saying I should get and never do…
      Anyway, enjoy your holiday! Relaxing and decompressing will also help!

      I am also trying to keep calm after a long series of workplace mishaps, all very close to a big conference…

    5. Foreign Octopus*

      I’m struggling with my dad overreacting (loud yelling and name calling) to something I did wrong (NB: I’m 30). It’s completely shattered my weekend and I’m having trouble thinking about other things and not what he called me.

      I’m proud that some writing I’ve put online has been receiving positive feedback. I got a review late last night after the situation with my dad and it was a helpful, soothing balm.

    6. Red*

      I picked up a DBT skills workbook and I’m slowly working my way through it, so I’m hoping that will be of use to me. Seems good so far.

      In other news, I probably have lupus. It’s rough, emotionally speaking. I already have a lifelong mental illness, so part of me is like – why do I have to have a physical one, too? Have I not been given enough struggles? I think it’s time for a therapist appointment.

    7. 653-CXK*

      – I’m fed up with all the rain we’ve been having. In the winter of 2015 it was snow; now it’s constant rain. I should be glad, however, that it IS rain rather than snow.

      – I’ve been dealing with the time changes better than I expected. The earliest the sun will come down in Boston is 4:11 on December 8, but I’ve gotten used to it. I put my shades down at around 4:30. A little after New Years, the sun will set at 4:30ish again so twilight will last until 5pm. My moods tend to be better when the sun sets later, but at certain points, walking out in complete darkness at 5pm doesn’t bother me all that much.

      – The browbeating from Black Friday’s onslaught of “buy me now!” ads have diminished. I’ve already gotten my nieces their gifts and I just need to get them for my other niece and nephew. Any time a Christmas ad comes on, however, I either mute it or just ignore it.

    8. Mimmy*

      Glad to hear your vacation is helping with your stress levels! I’m taking the week of Christmas off and maybe New Years Eve too…can’t wait!

      Struggling with not letting everything at the place we don’t discuss on weekends get to me. I am always annoyed about something and I feel trapped.

      I’m proud of myself for going into NYC by myself yesterday and for accepting help when people saw me with my cane and could tell I was a bit disoriented.

    9. Alpha Bravo*

      Good for you for really relaxing! That is so hard to do, and so good for you.

      I am oddly finding the second holiday season after my spouse’s death to be more difficult than the first year. Since he died in late October, I think maybe this time last year I was still in shock and not able to really wrap my brain around what had happened and how it would affect my life. This year I’m struggling with motivation. I don’t feel very celebratory. Daughter and I went and got our Christmas tree yesterday, like we always did, but it’s just sitting in a bucket of water by the front porch. Maybe I’ll have the energy to put it up today. I’m just … really, really sad.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yep, somehow the second year is harder. I think it’s because people have returned to life (they have to get caught up with their stuff) and a lot of the paperwork/other busyness is done. As always be gentle with you, don’t be hard on yourself. And as always taking down time is fine but falling into isolation is not good. Gently move yourself along to do one or two small things. Congratulate yourself for doing them. Yes, it matters, congratulate yourself.
        I kind of went into robot mode. I knew in years to come I would actually want a life of some sort. So I roboticly ate my meals each day. I roboticly went to bed on time. I worked on doing the basics. And I worked on keeping the finances in some sort of order. Go with friends/trustworthy people and see an event or two. I coat-tailed other people for quite a while, until I found things that I actually connected with. (The event did not really matter, I was more or less just following friends around and seeing what they were doing.)

        I’m not a doc, but you might benefit from some B vitamins if you have not checked that out yet. Vitamin D is good if you think you have some SAD going on.

        I went to see my friend who lost her husband last Sunday. She said, “It’s been a week. It feels so much longer than that.” Yep, we tend to lose time frames when drowning in grief. Keep a calendar handy, keep a clock handy so you can help yourself get your time frame back. I bought one of those clocks that works on radio waves. It has the day/date/time/weather/temp and a few other things. I still really like it. I got a little personal planner to plan out my week. The one thing that I kept saying is “this will get better”. I held on to that thought for dear life.
        It will get better. It will stop being merely surviving from one day to the next. When you need company or help with something call a friend or family member, don’t force yourself to be alone when you don’t want to be alone. (ie; don’t let Negative Nancy run all around in your brain and take over.)

      2. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

        Hug. This is my first year… I’m still on overdrive. I cried a bit on Thanksgiving (our wedding was 25 years ago the weekend after thanksgiving…). But… good to know about next year. I’m still in the logical/tactical mode, not emotionally dealing at all right now.
        Big hug.

    10. Wishing You Well*

      Make your SAD lamp a habit. Then you’ll just do it every day without a thought process. It works! Good Luck!

  76. Anonymous Educator*

    I periodically go to a free figure drawing class. It’s someone who’s paid by the local art school to model for a few hours, usually nude. This week, the model just didn’t show up. There was a monitor (who usually keeps time on poses) calling up potential last-minute substitutes, but no one could sub in.

    Then one of the drawers just got up in the middle and started doing poses (fully clothed), and then when that person was done, someone else went in to pose for a bit, and then another person. It was really cool to see people stepping up and making a little spontaneous community (we don’t know each other). Everyone clapped after each volunteer was done posing.

    I was all set to jump in myself if there was a lull, but surprisingly people were itching to get in there and pose. Who knew?

    In any case, that was a nice thing to have witnessed / been a part of.

  77. fposte*

    I have online glasses ordering questions. I have a small face, apparently (I did not know this), so a lot of glasses that would fit me widthwise have temple arms that are up to 15 mm shorter than I currently have. What’s up with that, and is that going to be a huge problem? And any favorite venues? (I know a lot of people like Warby Parker but it doesn’t have much selection in my size.)

    1. GhostWriter*

      I’ve only ever bought one pair of glasses, which I use only when my contacts are bothering me, but I had a good experience with Zenni Optical. They were cheap, quick to ship and included a nice case and cleaning cloth. You can filter the glasses by various sizes/dimensions (such as filtering by the the temple arm length and frame width at the same time). If nothing good is in the adult section, maybe try the kids section?

      2. Lore*

        I’ve had good experiences with Zenni also. If your prescription is complex (mine was before cataract surgery), they’re probably 90% as good as super expensive custom optician ones at 20% of the price, which makes their not-foolproof return policies easier to work around. And they’re good when something goes wrong.

    2. BRR*

      I only have bought from warby Parker so I’m going to talk about the place you said doesn’t have your size :P. Would kids glasses be a better fit? My husband has done that before. If it’s just temples length, they will provide reimbursement (maybe under a certain amount) for adjustments. I have to get mine adjusted because the temple length is never long enough.

      1. fposte*

        Thanks. I suspect some of the frames I’m looking at are for kids and that’s why the temples are shorter. Maybe?

        Some of them have descriptions of using a hair dryer to bend the temples yourself. I’m intrigued but a little daunted.

        Anyway, thanks, all, for the notes that people have been fine from several sources.

    3. Miss Fisher*

      I bought mine from eyebuydirect.com
      The glasses fit well and came in pretty quickly. This is also where I bought prescription sunglasses which are amazing. This site has most of the name brand and designer frames.

      1. Miss Fisher*

        Sorry eyebuydirect is all generic. I have a pair from there as well because they were so cheap. Framesdirect.com are the designer glasses

    4. Nicole76*

      Are the temples on the pair you currently wear in a good spot or do they go pretty far back? I was wearing a pair where they were technically too long but I didn’t realize it at the time. Now I have a pair where the length is correct for me. It took some adjustment but they fit better now than my old pair, which may be the case for you as well. Might I suggest checking out some pairs in person with the same temple length of the pair you’re considering ordering first? I did some of my own research at the chain stores to narrow things down a bit.

      The brand I ended up with after trying two pairs that did not work for me (I too have a small face, and a small head) were Nifties Eyewear. It was such a relief after MONTHS of trying to find a suitable pair that didn’t cause pain and discomfort (first pair were too heavy, second pair wouldn’t let me adjust the nose pads to a comfortable position). Warning: They are an expensive brand. But for me totally worth it to find a pair that checks all the boxes – fits comfortably and actually looks flattering on my face.

      1. fposte*

        I think your notion of checking the shorter temples in person is a good idea. I was hoping to commit today without leaving the house, but it’s really not that urgent.

        1. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

          I was going to try online ordering but have a similar problem. (The kids frames all fit fine across, it’s the length…). I went to a BIG place and tried on lots, took selfies with them – and of the numbers on the inside of the frame… so I could see the range of sizes I was comfortable with. I finally found a person my age who was interested in helping me really find the right pair. I paid a bit more than online, but… wearing them now, and so very happy. My face looks SO MUCH better than when I was wearing the giant oversized ones (not on purpose)…

    5. ..Kat..*

      If you are ordering online, you are responsible for measuring the distance between your pupils. This is a very important measurement.

      Online glasses places also can be prone to putting the clinical part of the lenses where you don’t want them. Think of it this way. One person likes to wear their glasses lower on their nose. A different person likes to wear their glasses high on their nose. The part of the lens that focuses would go in a very different place for these two people.

      Another complication that makes it harder to get glasses you will be happy with online: needing bifocals or trifocals.

      I also have a small face. I get my glasses at the optical shop in my optometrists’ office. These are not glasses in an hour – they take about two weeks and do a really good job. And they are professionals who have been fitting glasses to peoples’ faces/heads for years. The people working at the volume discount glasses stores are very hit or miss. The extra money I pay for glasses where I get mine is well worth the money. And it actually isn’t that much more. My glasses have the focus in the exact right place for me, my glasses are comfortable to wear, and I like the way I look in them.

      Not trying to tell you what to do fposte, just wanted to help you make an informed decision about where you get your glasses. Obviously, a lot of people are happy with the glasses they get online. Otherwise, online places would go out of business.

  78. MsChanandlerBong*

    I know I already posted once this weekend, but I didn’t think to ask this earlier, and I’d love some suggestions. Has anyone successfully dealt with trigger points? I am practically crippled with pain today, and I have been like that for most of the week. I get these painful “rocks” in my muscles, mostly my upper arms, shoulders, and neck. I have tried ice, the heating pad, Tylenol, muscle rubs (like Ben-gay), sitting in different positions (using a lumbar support cushion, changing the way I sit at my computer, etc.), taking hot baths, professional massages, and several muscle relaxers (Flexeril, Tizanidine, and one other one I can’t remember). Sometimes a short course of Prednisone works, but not all the time. I can’t take ibuprofen or get certain shots (e.g. Toradol) because of my heart/kidney issues. Any other suggestions? My husband can often work the “rocks” out (it hurts like hell when he touches them, but eventually they “melt” away), but he works all week, so it’s not like he’s home 24/7 to work on them when they first crop up.

    It’s really starting to affect my quality of life. I had to go lie in bed at 8:00 tonight because sitting up is too painful.

    1. Middle School Teacher*

      Tennis ball. Put it in a pillowcase (that way you have something to hang onto), put the tennis ball between you and the wall, and lean on it, and sort of scootch up and down. Basically you’re rolling around on it and using it to hit the trigger points, but vertically instead of lying on the floor. I’m dealing with a shoulder injury that is stressing my back and neck muscles and this is saving me. (And was recommended by my physiotherapist.)

      1. WG*

        Using a long sock instead of a pillowcase can work too. I took one of my husband’s socks when it was still new and use that, as it’s less fabric to deal with than a pillowcase. But I like the tennis ball to work out those knots in my back. A couple of days of muscle relaxers also work for me, but when I’m taking those prescriptions I spend all my time sleeping and can’t function. So I prefer the non-prescription ways that allow me to continue to function somewhat normally until the knots are fully worked out.

        1. Enough*

          In place of muscle relaxers try valium. My orthopedist say the muscle relaxers like flexeral work on the brain while the valium works on the muscle. And I don’t get sleepy.

          1. Ktelzbeth*

            Diazepam (generic name for Valium) also has its mechanism of action in the brain, affecting neurotransmitters through GABA receptors. Cyclobenzaprine affects neurotransmitters as well. Neither the mechanism of action of cyclobenzaprine (Flexeril) nor diazepam is actually completely understood.

            Different medications affect people differently, so I’m glad you found your best bet, Enough. Sometimes it can be tough.

    2. fposte*

      I think yours might be more complicated than mine, but for me, the issue is often weakness and underuse; my muscles tighten like crazy to stabilize things, which can be painful in its own right, put pressure directly on nerves, or pull the bones just enough to pinch nerves. So my upper back sucks because I’m tight in the chest and weak in all the muscles that rotate the scapula, and my neck and muscles around the collarbone, chest, and sternum tighten up and it starts to creep down my arm.

      Repeated, ongoing stretches can help me, though I have to go beyond the basic doorway stretch and lean to involve twists and such. But really it’s doing stuff that strengthens the back of the shoulder. Scapular squeezes, face pulls, side plank dips, Y exercises (those are my favorite). There’s just something about getting those muscles to fire that takes the burden off the overtight ones.

      1. Madge*

        This! When I was struggling with piriformis syndrome the magic exercise was a glute bridge at the end of all my morning exercises. It woke up the muscles that were supposed to be working instead of the piriformis.

        Tennis balls are great for trigger points but lacross balls are better: slightly smaller and bald with the right amount of give. I’ve also read that kong dog toys are really good. And if you have a foam roller, it’s very easy to roll-out the muscles of the back. You won’t get very deep, but it’s still helpful.

        1. fposte*

          Yup, exactly. There are some long-term strengthening benefits, but the “getting weak stuff to fire” benefit can happen immediately.

      2. Madge*

        This! Glute bridges worked like magic when I was recovering from piriformis syndrome. Tennis balls are good and lacross balls are even better: smaller, bald and just the right level of firmness. Those Kong dog toys are also supposed to be good. Once your muscles get going into knots they can take a while to release. Find the stretches that help and do them throughout your day as little breaks. Rest is another important piece. And take a look at how you’re creating those knots to begin with. Can you make some changes there? A physical therapist can also be very helpful.

        *Sorry if this is a duplicate.

    3. lychee*

      I have been dealing with upper back pain for several years and now hip pain added to it. I have no spouse/family most days to help. Here is how I deal with it.

      I usually identify the trigger points(they need not be the same as where it hurts) – the best resource for it is triggerpoints [dot] net. Next up, take some medicinal oil (or coconut oil or cream) and find the trigger point and release it using my thumb-this is usually putting pressure on the point 5 times clockwise and 5 times anti clockwise(there are tons of youtube vidoes that teach you this). This is usually insanely painful.
      If I cant reach it, I use a tennis ball to do the same. Can also use foam roller for bigger muscle groups. Once done, I have a hot shower to ease the stiffness. Finally I close the session by applying a pain relieving ointment (my fave is one having Diclofenac Diethylammonium )

      I do this atleast 2-3 times a week, helps to keep the muscles from becoming strained

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        Thanks for the tip! Yes, it is extremely painful to touch them. When my husband is working on them, sometimes the cat runs in and stands on the bed looking at us as if to say, “What are you doing to Mom?!” because I am whimpering. If I can grit my teeth and get through it, though, the pain eventually lessens and the knot will go away.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      My top two go-tos for rocks in the muscles are regular hydration and veggies. Lack of veggies can really mess up the body in weird ways. Raw veggies and fruits daily are also important because of enzymes. Fresh veggies are better than frozen.

      My next thing that I love is collagen. That seems to knock out some weird misbehavior with my muscles also. You can get it at health food stores. You mix it with water and it kind of tastes like flour and water. But if it actually helps you, it’s much easier to get over the taste and just drink it down.

      Then I would start looking at minerals. Perhaps a drink with electrolytes in it would be helpful. There’s bananas or cantaloupe for potassium. You can consider calcium, too. When looking at calcium you may need some vitamin D to help absorb the calcium properly.

      But all this can be put to one side if your bowels are not working. I know when my body is not eliminating correctly all kinds of stuff happens. If your bowels are not working right, you can use organic apple juice not from concentrate. I cut mine in half with water to make the bottle last longer and to cut down on sugars. I told a friend this one and now she buys four bottles at a time to make sure she had some on hand. ha!

    5. Junior Dev*

      Have you been to a physical therapist? I have found them way more helpful than regular doctors in actually understanding and finding specific solutions. The first one I saw was with a medical clinic and gave really generic advice like “try to be less stressed”–I have had best results going to a dedicated physical therapy clinic. Someone else mentioned muscle weakness as causing these issues and they are great at finding the tiny muscles you didn’t even know you had and giving you exercises to stretch and strengthen them.

    6. HannahS*

      Have you tried physio? I was having sciatic pain from piriformis syndrome and it was causing trigger points all over my low back and bum, and a course of stretching and strengthening is really helping me. I’ve also been thinking of buying one of those massage tools that looks like a multi-branched shepherd’s crook with balls on the ends that look like it would make self-massage easier–my hands aren’t strong enough to massage myself with the force I need for as long as I need it. If you use a tennis ball against a wall or on the floor, make sure you don’t run across your spine. I was using it on the long muscles that run along side the spine and rolled side-to-side a couple times and I really regretted it!

      1. ..Kat..*

        Medications tend to treat the symptoms – knots, pain, etc. Physical therapy helps treat the cause. Each treatment has it’s place.

    8. Ranon*

      Have you been able to work them out yourself ever? Tools like hard foam rollers, lacrosse balls, and various trigger point massagers (Thera Cane is one brand but there are others, I found it most useful to skim through pictures of various models until I saw one that looked like what I needed) are all out there, and most are relatively inexpensive.

      In the high resource options, I’d be tempted to try physical therapy, too, if it’s an available option for you (and assuming you haven’t already)- it’s counterintuitive but sometimes more muscle in the right places is the best pain treatment.

      I’m so sorry, I hope you find some relief soon!

    9. AnonAcademic*

      In my case I had to figure out the postural issues causing the knot. I raise/tighten my shoulders from stress, with a touch of “tech neck” from being on my phone a lot. Figure out why you get the knots and you can work on preventing it. Everything else is just treating symptoms rather than causes.

  79. StudentA*

    In what way is your life better than you imagined it would be? In what way is it worse or a disappointment?

    1. The Other CC*

      Better:
      – In hindsight this is silly, but for years I felt like no one would ever love me because I had zero luck dating in college or for the few years after. And now I am married to a wonderful person and we share goals and values and make each other laugh and it’s just nice.
      – I am actually friends with my sisters (and my parents, for that matter) and think they are cool, interesting people I want to hang out with. I was so awful to them when I was younger and they annoyed me so much that I never thought we could actually, you know, get along! I’m so grateful for them.
      – As someone who grew up knowing I wanted to work in the arts, I was always paranoid for the day I’d be unemployed and living in a van down by the river. I’ve never been rolling in dough, but I’ve been lucky enough to almost always be employed and consequently have a decent savings account (knock on wood).

      Less/Disappointment/Different:
      – I got to the goal I wanted (a leadership position in the field I’ve been volunteering/training/working in for half my life), realized it was as far as I realistically wanted to go in that field, and now am pivoting to something completely different and way less fun. It’s interesting, stable, and important work, and I’ll be able to actually retire and buy a house, but it doesn’t grab my soul the way the old job did. And that’s fine, because the old job had a lot of problems I realized I couldn’t deal with anymore. Still. It makes me sad sometimes.
      – Being an adult doesn’t actually get easier? You figure out how to do one task, like doing your taxes, and then you turn around and have to do something more complicated, like navigating a medical bill your insurance didn’t cover for some arcane reason.

    2. MsChanandlerBong*

      Better: I make a lot more money than I ever thought possible. Not nearly as much as a lot of people, but more than I ever knew I would. I come from a family that still thinks $10/hour is a “big job” with a “lot of money,” so it is surprising to me.

      Worse: My health problems have robbed me of a lot. My dream was always to be a doctor (because I had a lot of medical issues as a kid and wanted to help other kids like me). I got into a really good pre-med program, but that’s when my health issues started worsening. I would never be able to get through an 80-hour-per-week residency or spend a lot of time on my feet, so I gave it up. I have a good job now, but it’s not what I really wanted to do with my life.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Interesting question.
      I guess my biggest disappointment is I thought me and my hubby would grow old together.
      I think my biggest surprise is that life on my own does not suck and there are times where I enjoy my life more than I ever have.
      The money part of the story has always been a bit dicey. But I do marvel at paying off all college debt, all medical debt and I only have four more years on the house. I live on a shoe string to do all this, which is not good but it’s a real eye opener to see how far a person can go on limited resources. We really don’t need most of what we buy and I am so surprised by to what degree this is true.

    4. fposte*

      Better: I’m more contented, level, and generally at peace than I ever thought. Worse: I apparently thought only other people’s bodies would break down, and I was wrong there.

    5. Overeducated*

      I think I had very high expectations for my life so I’m not sure I’ve exceeded them. But I did really doubt whether I’d actually be able to meet someone as a young adult (as probably many do), and have family history of infertility, so being married with a kid now has worked out fortunately for me. As for disappointments, I will not be able to have the number of children, standard of living, or age of retirement that my parents did/do because I’m in a high COL city, but also the generationl trends around wages vs health care, child care, housing, etc.

    6. Junior Dev*

      Better:

      * I make a lot of money compared to my friends, in an industry that’s interesting to me.
      * I have a lot of friends. I was pretty bad at social stuff as a kid. Didn’t really make friends until highschool.
      * I actually enjoy exercising most of the time. I’m trying to get back into a routine that works but at various times i have been running, biking, weight lifting, and roller skating.

      Worse:
      * I am pretty limited by anxiety in ways that I wasn’t when I was younger.
      * I don’t really cook for myself anymore. I enjoy cooking and I volunteer every week doing it. But at home i often don’t have the energy.
      * I am terrified of dating after having some very bad relationships and have been basically celibate for the last 5 years.
      * I’m ok with it now but i think my teen self would be horrified that I don’t dedicate my life to saving the world, I own a car, eat meat, have a job at a corporation, etc.

    7. Lore*

      Better: Throughout my 20s and 30s, I had really unsatisfying romantic relationships, and although I wanted the sex and the companionship, I couldn’t quite imagine the partner I’d be compatible enough with and trust enough to get through the inevitable challenges of any relationship. It took me years with my current partner to get past my own issues of thinking every fight = imminent breakup. It’s not even that being partnered is better than being single, but I feel like I’ve proved to myself that I’m capable of that kind of commitment and relationship, and even if it ended tomorrow that’s a source of positive accomplishment I never thought I’d have.
      —I mostly like the work that I do even when the day to day is annoying. It’s got concrete outputs and I’ve found that’s really important to me.
      Worse: despite making a reasonable salary (good for my industry; not quite good enough for my high COL area), I’m always anxious about money. Some of this is inherited from my parents’ anxieties, but a lot is just never feeling like I can have enough savings for a real health/housing/life emergency, even though by all reasonable standards I know I do.
      —High COL area means the trade off for excellent location/transit is that my area (which I moved to 15+ years ago) has gentrified to the point where I have little in common with new neighbors and would love to have more space, but can’t figure out how to do that without major downsides on commute, amenities, etc. I feel like maybe a midsize city would suit those needs better but uprooting seems overwhelming.
      —middle age is tough on friendships. A lot of friends have moved away in real estate/job/child having transitions, and it seems constantly challenging to see the ones who remain.

    8. Kat in VA*

      Better. I’m still with my husband of 30 years, and we’re in a good place financially with the possibility of building real wealth for our kids. I went back to work after 20 years off to raise four kids and have the most unbelievably awesome job and boss. We have a nice big house that holds all of us + my son’s best friend. I love my newish sports car after driving a shot-out beater Ram truck for ten years.

      Worse? I live in the DC area and the traffic is insane. I broke my neck sometime back while snowboarding and have had a slew of cervical fusions that aren’t working – meaning more fusions in the future. I can no longer snowboard, rock climb, ride my dirtbike (or any bike), or do most of the intensely physical sports we both did as we were younger. Living life in sometimes crippling pain starting at age 42 really sucks, as does having a (low dose) opioid prescription that I’m reliant on to function halfway normally that’s becoming ever more difficult to obtain.

      So some good, some bad, but overall, I’m happy to be where I am right now.

      1. ..Kat..*

        I know some patients with similar neck problems who have gotten some relief with the Danmar Hensinger collar.

    9. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

      Better:
      -My childhood eczema my nmom (narcissist mom) refused to medicate, fixed itself in adulthood (allergy/anxiety-based, potentially)
      -My nmom doesn’t scream in my face through various communications channels anymore
      -I have an amazing husband. Nmom always used to say I was too nerdy and too icy to find a guy. Ha ha…

      Worse/Different:
      -As a kid, my parents made a high combined salary with very steady jobs. Nmom thought anyone making less than $100k was poorer. She made $100k/similar…Now, I make less than $100k. I have a great salary but my childhood was filled with people who made $100k+ and I feel like no matter how hard this generation works, we may never see that level of wealth, or coupled to that, home ownership or choice of education (eg. Going to a costly school and not being able to afford it for future kids). Silver lining: public schools here are the best in the state.
      -My body falling apart in 30s: back pain, eye problems, skin rashes……ugh

    10. Janeitenoir*

      Better: Since the mere thought of dating used to give me anxiety, I pretty much assumed that marriage wasn’t for me and I’d be the cool single friend for life. Now, I’m engaged to a wonderful, patient, loving man who makes me laugh and brings out the silly in me, along with an ADORABLE dog. I’m working in my field and while money isn’t abundant, I can handle emergencies. I look forward to a life with him.

      Worse: I have OCD and anxiety in a way I didn’t when I was younger, though looking back I can see possible early warning signs. It’s a struggle every day to remember that my brain is effectively lying to me.

  80. Fa la la la AUGH*

    Three words: In-law. Holiday. DRAMA. Help!

    My husband’s obnoxious cousin will unexpectedly be at his family’s big Christmas get-together this year. Without getting toooo far into the weeds on the whole situation, husband is basically worried he will be unable to be in the same room as her and her married-with-two-kids* boyfriend without saying something he’ll regret. The whole situation just brings up a lot of painful memories from growing up with a stepdad who cheated *a lot*. We would just skip out, except that it will probably be his only chance to see Grandma this Christmas, and the rest of his family is on board with accepting this new relationship, so we might piss them off if we don’t go.

    *I* think he should try and suck it up for a couple hours while we go and catch up with the extended family we want to see, and just be polite to his cousin and her guy if he shows up. He’s not sure he’s up to the task with Christmas being only three weeks away. What would you do in this situation?:

    1) Make an excuse? (my mom would be THRILLED if we spent Christmas Day with them, even though they’ve already got Christmas Eve and Boxing Day)
    2) Tell the truth, at least to his immediate family, which is that he doesn’t want to bring down the day and will step out this year?
    3) Go, and try to keep all his angry/sad feelings inside, and probably listen to some calming music on the drive over, and maybe schedule something fun just for us after?
    4) Some other option we haven’t considered?

    Sigh. Next year we’re running away to Tahiti.

    *(maybe he’s finally divorced now, who knows)

    1. Traffic_Spiral*

      I’d just focus on not speaking to her and staying in another room whenever possible. Maybe get an ally in the family to help run interference and warn when she’s nearby.

    2. Dan*

      His family, his call.

      Serious question: when you say he might say something he could regret, why would he regret it? If other family heard it, would they be upset? It sounds like they’ll be upset if he doesn’t go, and it sound like they might be upset if he speaks what’s on his mind. Doesn’t seem like much of a choice, so he should do what’s easiest on himself.

      The corollary is that we’re all responsible for our own happiness. If the rest of the fam is going to turn this into WWIII for skipping out on a holiday, that tells me that WWIII is happening at some point in the future, it’s just a matter of when.

      FWIW, if you skip this, you can make plans to see granny some other time.

      On a related note, my mother has social attitudes from the 1960’s. My SIL’s cousin leads a lifestyle my mother doesn’t approve of, and when we get together for Thanksgiving, she’s told ahead of time that if she can’t keep her mouth shut, she’s welcome to stay home and there won’t be any hard feelings.

    3. WellRed*

      Is it because she’s truly obnoxious or is it because of the married boyfriend? If the latter, it’s wrong but really none if his business. Either way, unless she’s abusive to him in some way, I think he should suck it up and go.

      1. WellRed*

        Maybe employ Alison’s advice about pretending to be an anthroplogist and view her through that lens ; )

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          Yeah. Treat them as an interesting anthropological experiment–think “Hmm!” and go get some more cheese dip.

          1. Fa la la la AUGH*

            Mm, cheese dip! I basically adopt that approach anytime I’m with extended family or in-laws!

      2. Traffic_Spiral*

        Not sure why you think it’s none of his business. You are allowed to think someone’s a bad person because they do bad things – even if said bad things don’t negatively affect you. It’s sorta sociopathic to think otherwise.

        1. WellRed*

          But he can keep his thoughts to himself for a few hours. What’s ultimately more important? Seeing everyone else or letting this one person take up so much space in his head?

            1. fposte*

              Well, we all have to decide everything for ourselves, ultimately.

              I think if the risk is that he’ll respond to something the obnoxious cousin says or does at the get-together, that may be a risk worth running, because I think it’s okay not to let a holiday talk you into accepting stuff like violence or abuse or even trash-talking people not there (obviously the strength of the response can differ). If it’s that he hates the cousin’s guts because she’s seeing somebody married (or the boyfriend’s guts for seeing somebody married) and wants to tell one or both of them how terrible they are for behavior outside of the event, though, then I don’t think that’s okay. I understand when it happens, but no, not when we’re talking fully grown adults with plenty of options. You knew who they were when you accepted the invitation to join them, this isn’t a moment for referendum on anybody’s life whether it be yours or theirs, and this isn’t about you and your chance to fight your own psychological demons.

              So I’d say it’s one thing if hubs can’t keep himself from responding to “Yeah, his wife’s so unfair about not letting him have the children this holiday,” and it’s another thing if he responds to “Please pass the potatoes” with “Not for you, you adulterous jack-monkey.”

              1. Traffic_Spiral*

                “Not for you, you adulterous jack-monkey” is how I’m answering 100% of my relatives this Christmas!

              2. Dan*

                fposte,

                I’m trying not to read too much into this sentence you wrote: “You knew who they were when you accepted the invitation to join them”, but…

                The first sentence in the second paragraph indicates that the problematic cousin + BF were a late add, as they will “unexpectedly” be joining the larger family. I read that as meaning husband thought they would NOT be attending when the invitation was accepted.

                This topic kinda gets my interest because I’ve got a judgy mother with social attitudes stuck in the 1960’s. She very apt to express her displeasure of other people’s lifestyles, and when that can be an issue, is informed ahead of time that if she can’t zip it, she’s welcome to stay home and there’s no hard feelings. (This particular situation involves transgendered people and their choices in significant others).

                From my own experience, several years ago I was trying to date someone who was on the fence about the whole thing. Shen then decided that she was going to be FWB with a married guy. I told her I wanted nothing to do with that, and if that’s the choice she was going to make, to let it run its course and call me back when she figured things out. In the mean time, I told her, its best that we go our separate ways.

                Her response to me was that it was none of my business what she did because we weren’t in a committed relationship. I was pretty much like, “What are you going to do, stop talking to me?”

                I can guess I can really relate to husband here.

                1. fposte*

                  You’re right that I whiffed it on the invitation, but they still know in advance that they’ll be there, and they still have the option of not going–they’re not being surprised on the day.

                  My take is basically that your mother shouldn’t use get togethers to tell people how she feels about their sexual practices, and nor should Fa la’s husband. An intermediate move would be to, as suggested, go and avoid the the Sinners, if that’s a possibility. Even just snubbing them would be slightly better than busting out lecturedom.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      This could be basically an anger at stepdad issue. If he did not have that history behind him then perhaps it would be easier to deal with cous’ and bf?
      Perhaps his nasty cousin reminds him of his nasty stepfather and everything comes flooding back to him. The married bf might be the last straw on this whole pile of “stuff”.

      Honestly, tell him to do as he wishes. And add that you think it might be good for next year for him to seek counseling about his step dad. He might only need a few sessions to collect his thoughts on things. But it sounds like that relationship is clouding his judgement (not able to keep his temper in check) and interfering with his life today (doesn’t want Christmas with his fam).

      I am kind of biased on this one. My friend just lost her hubby of fifty something years. He had a problem growing up with his mother that he never resolved. My friend wonders how much of that problem drove his choices through out his life. Hubby ended up making a long string of bad financial choices that my friend must clean up. As far as she can tell the choices came from his resentment for what his mother did. It’s too bad, because her hubby probably could have worked the whole thing through in a few sessions with a counselor. Her hubby could have had a better quality of life, it was so within reach for him.

      Tell your hubby that stories like his can really eat at a person as they go through life and it can take away from their quality of life. Tell him that you think he should go for counseling to get his thoughts collected on what happened to him with his step dad.

      1. Fa la la la AUGH*

        Oh, I think it all 100% comes down to the former stepdad and how their families have interacted over the years and just ages of baggage, and this dude coming along is just throwing a match into the whole dumpster. He does see a great therapist regularly and he’s planning to bring this up at his next session. You are absolutely right about that old baggage clouding his judgment on all this. I’m sorry about your friend and her husband :(

        1. ..Kat..*

          Captain Awkward has some wonderful advice about situations like this. Also, you don’t have to stay for the whole event. Go, enjoy a visit with the relatives he likes, and then, oops, family emergency/my gout is acting up/my back injury is flaring up I’m going back to the hotel to lie down.

    5. Utoh!*

      Husband should just say hello and then move on to the other family members, and focus on his grandmother if that is the main reason he wants to go. We can’t choose who our family members (and their family members) are, but we can choose how we respond to them.

    6. Not A Manager*

      This might be a really good opportunity for your husband to explore some of his feelings about his family of origin. If I understand your post, his cousin’s relationship is a divorce-in-progress and not an ongoing-secret-cheating relationship. If he’s triggered to the point where he might be “UNABLE” to “be in the same room” without “saying something he’ll regret” – I mean, like, seriously UNABLE to control himself – then this is a Husband issue and not really a Cousin issue.

  81. Anonymouse would be marathoner*

    Hi
    Anyone want to share any pointers on training for their first marathon as a beginner. I want to run a marathon in 2019 – either Marine Corps in DC or NY Marathon. I live abroad so I’ll combine it with catching up with friends in US. Is 10-11 months long enough to train? I run quite slowly and am currently working on losing weight and getting my speed/mileage up. I think it’s achievable – I don’t want to set records but hopefully finish under 5 hrs.
    Thanks

    1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      10-11 months is more than ample time to train, even if you have minimal distance running experience. Most training plans I’ve seen last about 6 months for beginners and 16-18 weeks for experienced distance runners. The two biggest things, in my mind, are: (1) build up your mileage slowly — add one mile to your long run per week and also build your mid-week mileage slowly; (2) rest days are critically important, and listen to your body if it’s telling you it needs an extra day off.

      NYC is a difficult marathon to get into. You may want to start researching registration for 2019 now (!). There’s a lottery system that is a 1 in 3 chance at best, though there may be other options that give international runners a somewhat better shot. Not sure. Marine Corps, if I recall correctly, is open registration but sells out REALLY fast. (Other marathoners on AAM, please jump in if I got it wrong!) I highly recommend NYC; I’ve never run a race in DC, mainly because of fear of hot weather since their marathon is in mid-October.

      I’ve run five marathons and it’s a great experience. It’s not easy, though. Good luck!

    2. Dr. Anonymous*

      I loved the John Galloway walk-run method, and he has a nice training plan. I’m slow as well, and ran my first marathon in five and a half hours in weather so hot they stopped the lock and almost closed the course. You definitely have time to train and get faster. See if the race you choose has pace groups you can run with.

    3. Junior Dev*

      I haven’t run a marathon but a couple of tips as someone who’s run shorter distances:

      * Work on core strength to avoid running injuries. My PT recommends a mix of front planks, side planks, and modified back bridges. If you run 3 days a week you can do these on the off days.
      * Also make sure you stretch. You can look up “stretches for runners” online.
      * Couch to 5k is a pretty good beginner program.

    4. Anonymouse would be marathoner*

      Great – thank you so much. I’m English but currently live and work in the Middle East so hopefully the weather here will actually work in my favour during training. I’m going to do the lottery for both marathons but if I don’t get lucky there are a couple of travel companies that offer guaranteed hotel/marathon entry packages. I’ve heard DC is good for beginners because it’s mostly flat but NY is a classic. I’d love to run Big Sur in 2020 – the thought of running by the ocean really appeals though it looks a tad hilly.

      I’ve just downloaded the Jeff Galloway bundle – 5k/10k/half marathon/full marathon – will start tomorrow morning!

    5. HeatherB*

      You absolutely have enough time to train! And for your first marathon – go out and enjoy every second of it. Both of those marathons are amazing. The New York Marathon lottery is open from January 14 – February 14 with the drawing on Feb 27th. If you don’t get in you can book through the “International Runners” and buy a package for guaranteed entry through a travel agent in your country. I don’t know a lot about it but you can check on the NYRR or TCS New York Marathon website. If you don’t get into NY the Marine Corps Marathon is now a lottery which takes place in March (exact dates aren’t available yet). It’s such a fun marathon and you get to run around all the sites in DC plus the medals are the BEST. I’ll be entering both lotteries as well. Good luck :)

    6. Anona*

      I used the Hal Higdon training schedule (the easy one) for my first marathon. I think it’s a few month training plan, and it seemed to work well. Before training I think the longest I had run was 5 miles, maybe?

    7. LGC*

      Good luck! I was going to give some entry pointers, but I’ve already been beaten to the punch. (I didn’t know MCM went to lottery for 2019, though!) Hopefully, I’ll see you at the start next November – New York is an incredible race to run, and I’m pretty sure I’ll do it again next year.

      Actually, New York was my second marathon – and I’m a relatively new marathoner myself. So I can give you pointers on what I’ve learned:

      -As a lot of people noted, you are fine! You have nearly a year to get in shape. A marathon is a really long distance…but it’s not impossibly long!

      -Be prepared for a significant time commitment – during your peak weeks, you’ll probably spend 7-10 hours per week running. (You might peak around 50 to 60 km weekly.)

      -Don’t be afraid of things not going according to plan. And be willing to adjust. And don’t get discouraged!

      -On that note, NYC’s cutoff is 6:30 after the final gun. I think MCM is in the same neighborhood.

      -Schedule a half marathon as a practice run. I’m not just saying this because I like half marathons. I’ve also found that having that practice gives me confidence. (You probably want to have this about a month to a month and a half before the big race – so in mid to late September.)

      -Finally, find your motivation to keep training. I’ll be honest, it’s a huge grind to run for the sake of it – what keeps me motivated is seeing my team three times a week (especially for long runs), and also trying to outrun my teammates. You don’t have to join a formal club – but if you can find a group, that might help a lot!

      New York-specific things:

      The hills might be a little overstated. The major ones are:
      -The Verrazzano at the start. It depends on what start you get – New York uses both sides of the upper deck (blue/orange) and the SI-bound side of the lower deck (green), and I think the green start is less steep. On the other hand, you’re on the lower deck, which is a bit less scenic.
      -The Queensboro at around 25k (miles 15-16).
      -5th Avenue after about 35k (mile 22).

      Other than that, there’s a lot of bridges (New York City is an archipelago), but it’s manageable. And you get insane amounts of crowd support throughout. Don’t be too scared of the rumors!

      Also, yes, there are three separate starting routes! They mostly merge together around the 5k mark, and fully merge at the 8 mile mark.

      Depending on where you’re staying, you have multiple complimentary modes to get to the start. From what I’ve heard, the SI Ferry is really nice, but given my location (northern New Jersey), it was best for me to take the bus from the Meadowlands (which also worked out well). Prepare to wait a LONG time – I got to the start at 6 and I didn’t start until almost 10. (And I was in Wave 1! The last wave is at 11 AM.)

      New York’s fall weather is…extremely unpredictable. This year was picture perfect. The marathon was cancelled in 2012 due to Hurricane Sandy (and also there was a literal snowstorm). Be prepared for cold.

      There are definitely pacers – and I believe for every 5 minutes, starting with 3:00 all the way back to 6:00 or 6:30. NYRR posts what corrals there will be pacers in, and they’re usually wearing distinctive singlets and holding signs.

      I’m probably leaving out a ton of stuff, but feel free to ask anything else!

  82. aa*

    A question about voice.

    I’m an introvert, and tend to speak in a low voice (i.e. at a low volume). I can shout all right if needed, but I seem to find it very hard to speak up audibly on a regular basis – my voice sounds very forced and taut when I force myself to speak more loudly. (As a former music teacher of mine put it, “I swallow my voice”.)

    I’ve been looking for books / videos / online resources / anything to work on this, but I can only find stuff for public speaking, which does not really work because it doesn’t really focus on what I need. (And yes, I know about diaphragmatic breathing and so on).

    Can anyone recommend any resources for this?

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Stand in front of a mirror and practice speaking. Stand up straight so it is easier to breathe. Breathe in before you start to speak. Do it as often as possible but keep the time short such as a max of five minutes. My thought here is that you might not be used to the sound of your own voice. This happens to a lot of people. Get used to hearing yourself at a higher volume.
      If you can’t think of scripts to use in front of the mirror, just read a short article out loud.

      2. chi chan*

        It’s actually a technique from Dale Carnegie response. He said when people are angry they are not self conscious. So take a moment to pretend your audience has pissed you off. Here is a quote.
        “Just knock any man down on the street, and he will give you a surprisingly empathetic response. “

    3. HannahS*

      Some ideas: speak more slowly to give yourself time to practice diaphragmatic breathing and good articulation (i.e. getting your mouth open), maybe try reading aloud at home or talking to yourself in the car? Sometimes I rehearse conversations in the car and I find it helpful, both in terms of word choice and in picking an appropriate tone.

      1. Rahera*

        I would recommend looking up ‘Ingo Titze straw exercise’ on YouTube. He has great, very simple vocal exercises that really help with vocal health, voice placement, and resonance.

  83. ScotKat*

    Been texting a guy I met online dating. We haven’t met yet. He’s not my usual type: he’s older than me and is divorced and I’m not sure if we’d really be a match. But he seems into me and he really wants to meet. I am feeling nervous in case we meet and it’s bad and then yet again it all goes wrong. I should meet him, right? How else will I know? It’s just the online dating pattern… it can get you down.

    1. Hermione Langstrumpf*

      If it’s a gut feeling that something isn’t right, don’t meet him. From your post it looks like you’re worried about not being a good match but not about safety, so I say go meet him.
      Schedule it before an appointment/gym class etc. so you do need to leave after about 30 minutes. That’s not awfully long for something boring but should be enough for you to see whether you’d actually want to get to know him better.
      Online dating can be so exhausting. Any kind of dating actually.
      Best of luck to you and let us know how it went if you decide to meet him.

    2. WellRed*

      If your usual type hasn’t worked for you, then why not give it a try? Don’t put so much pressure on it by worrying if “it all goes wrong.” It’s one date.

      1. ScotKat*

        You’re right. But I’m a bit exhausted by it all so I think that’s worn me down. I used to look forward to dates and I miss that.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Are you sure you want to date at all? Maybe that exhaustion is telling you that you need a time out from dating. I don’t date. I don’t plan on dating any time soon. I am good with that for [reasons].

          1. ScotKat*

            I’m not sure, but I’m 35 and I have to keep going. I don’t want to be single forever if I can help it (not that there is *anything* wrong with being single).

    4. fposte*

      Seconding the meet for coffee.

      The point of dating is to find out if you like somebody or not. It’s okay to find out you don’t like them, and it’s okay for them to find out they don’tlike you. That’s not “all goes wrong”–it’s just trying something on and not buying it. Dan upthread has a really good comment about the early days of dating and how acceptable it is to stop investigating somebody because you’re not feeling it.

      1. ScotKat*

        I mean, I know, I’ve dated quite a lot, but I am at the point where I’m tired and I can’t seem to tell any more if I have actual interest or not. I guess finding out is better than not.

        1. Foreign Octopus*

          Maybe after this date, if it doesn’t work out, you take a break for a little bit. It’s always nice to recharge your batteries but I second what’s said upthread that since dating your usual type hasn’t worked out, maybe someone different will.

          Good luck.

        2. Dan*

          I agree with Foreign Octopus’s advice about taking a break. If you’re so worn out that you’re just going through the motions, you’re just wasting everybody’s time.

          The vibe I get from your posts is that you’re at a point where you’re just going through the motions, and I don’t see how that’s going to serve you well.

          I haven’t done much online dating in the last couple of years, but my experience was that very few people I met were complete duds. I went into the evening expecting a pleasant conversation, and I was rarely disappointed. Most people I could be friends with, but yeah, the ones that create that “spark” don’t come around that often. Looking for that spark gets draining.

    5. Lulubell*

      As someone who’s also been online dating, seemingly forever, I completely understand the exhaustion and disillusionment around it. I have it too. It’s never only 30 minutes because that doesn’t take into account the time I spend getting ready (shower, hair, makeup), and driving/parking to wherever the date is, which is all somewhat of a mental investment for someone I’ve never met, especially if it’s someone I’m not that excited about and just going because I feel obligated to keep an open mind about it. (Eye roll). Honestly, if you are not that excited or only going because he seems into you, don’t go. If you are on the fence, get really clear in your own mind what you would need to know/hear from him to be excited about it, and ask those questions/float that conversation over text. Does he like the same things you like? Have the same values? Looking for the same things? I used to hesitate to ask too many questions up front because it seemed too serious, but now I value my time too much not to. (Of course, I’m still single, so what do I know?) Good luck.

      1. Dan*

        I think there’s a middle ground. Going on a date where one knows they are just “going through the motions” for “appearances” or whatever is a complete waste of time.

        I will say, though, that as a guy, I try to get to an in-person date ASAP. I really need to know if there’s “chemistry” and that’s not something that can be ascertained from online interaction only. If there are too many back-and-forth messages (usually after 3-4 exchanges) and things don’t look like they’re getting to an “in person” date quick, I’m out. While there *is* over head in date prep, there’s also the time spent messaging people too. I put thought into my messages, and that takes awhile. So to me, it’s not like “in person” dates bear all of the “cost”, and message-exchanging is completely free.

        I think you can get a few deal breakers out of the way, but I’d limit it to 3-4. Much more than that, and it does feel like an inquisition, and leaves me wondering if the person is high maintenance, difficult to please, or what. The early days are supposed to be relaxing and fun… if they’re too stressful, something’s being done wrong.

        For me, I think another reason why I want to get to “in person” sooner rather than later is that I spend my work day in front of a computer. When I’m not at work, and am trying to be social, I really don’t want to do it via computer.

        1. Lulubell*

          I like to get to the date fairly quickly too. But I’ve what I’ve seen happen over the past few years, as swiping apps have replaced the more traditional websites where you fill out a full profile, is that guys write two lines of text about themselves (if that) that tell me very little about who they are, and then the messages aren’t any deeper (understandably, I don’t want to spend a lot of time messaging back and forth either), so I really have very little to go by. Also, I am kind of high maintenance with my time… I ‘m pretty selective in how I spend it. Anyone who dates me will learn that fairly quickly, so might as well be clear about it up front!

          1. Dan*

            I’ll be honest and admit that my experience is limited to the more traditional OKC types of things. I never got into the app swiping.

            I get the time thing… when I was active on OKC, I think I usually set aside Sunday evening as “go find dates” night. Between being a bit selective about who I message and actually putting in effort to do something more than a form letter for first contact, that was usually good for an hour or two. Since I actually put some thought into the messages, I ended doing alright with responses — but I have to say I still had like a 10% response rate, and I could convert about 80% of that into a live date. Which is great by OLD standards, but still adds up to a time suck though. TBH, I’d rather play video games than go fishing for first dates. So after awhile, that kind of thing gets tiring.

        2. ScotKat*

          It’s really unlikely I’m going on a date with a guy I’ve had three or four exchanges with. It’s fine to meet soon (and I have done that), but I need to feel good and safe about the person I’m meeting before I do it, and sometimes that takes a while and a bit of chat. If that’s not what the other person wants, that’s fair enough. But I have to also go at the pace that suits me sometimes, because rushing into meeting isn’t always a good idea. It depends, a lot of the time.

          I spend my day in front of the computer too but if I want to be social I have friends for that. Online dating to me isn’t the same and doesn’t necessarily go by the same rules.

    6. PlatypusOo*

      I would advise that you should meet in person soon rather than continue texting without having met. I say this because once upon a time I wasted several months (he was long distance) texting someone that if I had just met him in person I’d have known it would never work. To this day I am still annoyed with myself for putting off meeting him in person and wasting the time and energy but I am an extreme introvert and procrastinator…anyway I say lean in a bit and if your inner voice says no then listen. Best of luck!

    7. LilySparrow*

      You don’t have to do anything. If you just aren’t feeling like going out this week, or this month, or with this guy, you can just… not.

      You aren’t letting yourself down or giving up on life just because you are tired and fed up with the process right now.

      If you need a break, take a break. If just meeting him feels like a chore, that’s not a good way to start off. And he’d have to do a lot to overcome that.

      Give yourself a timeframe – maybe just a week or 2, even – to not have to think about it at all. And then if meeting somebody new starts to sound like fun again, go for it.

      1. jolene*

        Schedule a phone call before you meet in person. That will give you a good sense about whether you want to meet up.

  84. Yayyy*

    Soooooo…. what advice do people have for marketing their artwork on etsy? I feel like people on instagram only like your posts so that you’ll look at their profile. Nobody actually looks at your stuff on instagram. I know this because I’ll have 15 likes on a video and only 1 view!

    Anyway, any advice is appreciated. Thanks!

    1. Miss Fisher*

      My friend sold on there for a while, but was pulling out because they were changing policy and fees to push out smaller artists and rely more on the bigger sellers. I don’t know what exactly he said, but they were less than thrilled.

    2. ElspethGC*

      I don’t know personally because I’ve never sold via Etsy, but I know a bunch of people who have spotted things they want to buy via Pinterest and Tumblr, so those are probably avenues worth trying. Tag the hell out of everything so that it shows up in searches.

  85. Overeducated*

    Posting again because I’m having a sick cold weekend at home…two questions!

    1. How much do you think having a single family home is the “American dream” vs an albatross of endless maintenance? The main benefits I can think of are space for hosting and potentially yard space.

    2. When choosing a place to live, what is the point at which you trade off space of your home for commute? (This is a pretty universal tradeoff in cities, so let’s just ignore schools, safety, proximity to family, etc.) In my case we’re somewhat constrained to the point that it’s a fairly clear choice between a closer-in 2 bedroom condo, possibly basement, vs a further out 3-4 bedroom single family home, but there’s no ideal choice – we’re not talking “walk to work” vs “hour drive”, more differences in access to and length of public transit trips. So what are the *marginal* issues that make the differences to you (e.g. number of rooms/closets, yard, extra .5 mile to train)?

    1. Enough*

      Now I’ve lived in the same house for 35 years. Whether house or condo I believe it breaks down on privacy and possible noise. Then do you need space for guests to sleep over and how much entertaining do you do and how much space that needs. Obviously the more land or house you have the more work there is. I like my house and it worked for newlywed years, children years, and now retirement. Never had commute issues as almost everything was within 10 miles.

      1. Enough*

        Our decision was based on buying a house that would accommodate children that we could afford. Interest rates were at 13 1/2 %. We did not want to have to buy a new house when we had kids.

      2. Enough*

        Me again. It boils down to lifestyle in the end. My son spent more money to get a house that would allow guests and be within walking distance to the college football stadium. This gave him at least a 45 minute commute where before he was in an apartment about 15 minutes away from work.

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      I think you left out how annoying you find neighbors. Depends on the actual details of the actual neighbors you draw, of course, but the single family home with space on all four sides and no one above or below insulates you more. (Cue sidetrack onto related rural vs urban voting habits.)

      1. Overeducated*

        Haha, I’ve lived in apartments in several cities for over a decade and never had issues with neighbors, so it didn’t occur to me! I guess I’ve been lucky. Outdoor noise carries more in my experience so the general environment and how people use it makes a difference.

        1. WellRed*

          Apartment dweller here. I have good neighbors but I wouldn’t give for no overhead noise and not sharing a driveway.

    3. Wicked Witch of the West*

      We’ve been in our house for 43 years. When we bought it we each had roughly a 45 minute each way commute. We only have overnight guests once a year, and next year they are going to be informed the “bed and breakfast” is closed. We only entertain once a year, a Thanksgiving blowout for all my relatives. We have a large yard, and yes, the house and yard are a lot of work. But we always joke that they will carry us out feet first.

      Short answer: live where you want to live, in the kind of dwelling you want. Commutes can change.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Homes are a money pit, absolutely. I do wonder how much longer having a home will be an American dream. Between the costs of materials and more and more regulations I can see people just giving up.
      Basically home ownership probably works into a financial loss for most people. But. There is no way to put a dollar value on some intangibles, such as being a part of a community, knowing your neighbors, having someone near by who will help if there is a problem. There is an illusion of having more control over one’s surroundings. But some of that control is real, also.
      I think that our society has a bias toward property owners that seems to telegraph responsibility, adulthood, stability, etc.
      Like any other decision, marriage, pets, kids, jobs, one has to factor in how owning a home satisfies a personal goal in life. If it feels like an anchor around your neck then it’s probably not for you. There are many advantages to other life choices.

      1. Dan*

        I actually find this topic a bit fascinating. I live in the suburbs of a major metro area where housing prices are just atrocious. My family is all back in the midwest, where housing prices are significantly cheaper. Right now, my plan is “save money” and if gets to the point where I have a down payment scraped together and I can find something I like, then so be it. If I don’t, I’ve still got almost $100,000 in the bank.

        I actually like where I live and what I have. I’m well aware of some limitations of renting (hey, I’d like my dream kitchen, you know?) but there are pluses as well. I don’t have to worry about structural maintenance (e.g., new roof) nor do I have to worry about mowing the lawn and shoveling snow. Also, I travel overseas for extended periods of time, and I really don’t have to worry about the place when I’m gone.

        So for me, if I ever own a place then great, and if not, oh well.

    5. Traffic_Spiral*

      As someone who currently works in a country with lots of people from various cultures that traditionally don’t do single-family homes, I gotta tell you, it’s not that popular. It’s kinda like polyamory: there’s a small sliver of the population that enjoys living like that it, but when it’s the cultural norm, there’s just a lot of people praying that their sister-wife ( or mother-in-law, or cousin) will die soon.

      People need space, and when you get too many people living together in a family unit, there’s a lot of power-struggling going on, and a lot of the biggest asshole getting everything his/her way, while everyone else is miserable.

    6. Sparrow*

      A single family home is not necessarily my American dream, and I would definitely trade off space for commute. I’m a single 20 something still living with roommates and shooting for a pretty intense career that may involve multiple moves, so this informs a lot of my motivations. I’d like to have less stuff, and curate/pick things that I really like rather than just I need a [blank] for the [blank] room. I dislike driving and parking, and value public transit/biking and short commutes. I’d like to have a partner and a kid someday, but I think I could make that work in a condo, and I have no desire to do yard work or host elaborate gatherings. I’d love the security of knowing I owned a place and was really settled there, I just don’t think I need a large house for that. And I’d love if society as a whole shifted toward “small footprints.” Not to get preachy but I just think people don’t need as much space and as much stuff as our culture tells us we should.

    7. Asenath*

      This sort of thing is so dependent on personal preferences! I’d say that it’s better to buy than rent – but of course I know in some areas housing is extremely expensive – or maybe likely to go down in price, or not keep or increase its value before the owner needs to move on. But paying rent and not building up equity didn’t make sense to me. Personally, I always go for convenient location and would take a smaller place closer to the area that’s convenient for living and work over a larger one, especially if it didn’t have good public transportation. In fact, although I have lived in a single family home, I’d go for a condo apartment instead if that’s all I could afford in a location I wanted.

    8. Wishing You Well*

      A single family home has been the American Dream for decades. It was sometimes the only wealth builder middle class people had and the biggest financial asset they owned. Yes, there’s maintenance, but the biggest obstacle to home ownership now is the purchase price. If you can afford a house, look into it and decide for yourself. (I own and it really worked out!)

      Commuting is a huge consideration, but I wouldn’t buy a condo. If your condo association can raise fees indefinitely and charge you for unexpected repairs, that can kill any financial advantage of owning. (A relative was billed thousands of dollars to replace an improperly installed condo roof. The roofer can’t/won’t pay.) I also wouldn’t own a building where I didn’t own the land under it.

      My best advice: research home ownership and home buying heavily. Buy what you can afford at the time. Don’t assume raises and inflation will ease your payments. Have a lawyer review all your documents before signing. Best of Luck!

    9. Rhymes with Mitochondria*

      I think buying a home can be AN American Dream, but it’s not THE American Dream. Who says all Americans have to have the same dream? (Something tells me it was a marketer somewhere…)
      I love owning my own home. I like knowing that no one can take that away from me. (My home is paid off, through a lot of hard work, intentionally buying much less than the banks were willing to loan us, and a lot of good luck with jobs.)
      I love having enough money (since there’s no house payment) to help my grown kids with college and getting started in life. I love that since we paid it off we have been able to save a ton for retirement.
      For me, owning my home was part of my dream. So was having kids. So was owning my own business. And having a cat or three.
      Your dreams probably look different than mine, and they may or may not include home ownership. Chase YOUR dreams, whatever they are.
      Dreams are not one-size-fits-all.

  86. Call me St. Vincent*

    So I need a reality check here about kids gymnastics! My 3 year old daughter expressed interest in being signed up for gymnastics classes. I looked at the local studio and they only have classes on Mondays at 11 (that’s the subject of another post on wtf studio, working parents want their kids to do activities too). So I went to look at the local park and rec class list. They have gymnastics starting in January–bingo! Then I read the description and I got REALLY irritated. It said “Attire: Girls MUST wear leotards. Boys must wear shorts and tee shirts.”

    I’m sorry, 1977 called and wants its sexist required attire back? I get if you have to wear a leotard but I totally googled men’s gymnastics and they ALSO wear leotards (with pants but still). If it’s a safety issue, everyone should have to wear leotards. If boys are allowed to wear shorts and a tee, why can’t my little girl? We have to sexualize 3 year old girls? In the era of #metoo, really? Also I live in a super progressive Northeast town. What the what? Am I taking crazy pills here?

    Give me a reality check, people.

    1. kc89*

      maybe call and ask what the reasoning is? if they can’t give you an answer that makes sense then I would be pissed too

    3. KR*

      Could you put her in a leotard and put shorts over it? A lot of little girls in my gymnastics class as a kid did this. I agree it’s sexist.

    4. Fellow Traveler*

      These are the same requirements we ran into when my daughter started taking ballet. The ballet school had dress codes because it saw it as part of creating a disciplined learning environment, particularly if the children wanted to peruse dance log term. Also, I think that for girls form and line are important which is why the leotard is preferred, while boys are more about strength and power, so it isn’t as important that the clothes be tight. Perhaps the attire requirement seems sexist because the actual skill sets are sexist? Though honestly, at that age it seems unlikely.
      For what it’s worth, my daughter took some recreational gymnastics through our county between the ages of 2 and 4 and she only ever wore tshirts and leggings/ shorts. Towards the end she wanted to wear a leotard because that’s what the real gymnasts wore.
      It might be worth calling the Rec department and asking how strict they are; if it your first time and you are still trying things out, it seems perfectly reasonable to not want to invest in special attire.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        My nephew is a professional dancer; he got into it by taking his sister to practice and saying “Well I could do that” and being called on to prove it. With dance I suspect it’s also what I cited for gymnastics below–for the school ideally students would all wear leotards to every class, but for young boys that’s a steep barrier to entry because that’s a “girl thing.” (And I’ll argue a boy breaking gender norms by wearing a dress gets a lot of harsh judgment while a girl in a football uniform gets a lot of high fives. Some people will approve of both, some disapprove of both, but there’s a lot of “it’s okay for girls to challenge gender roles because boy things are cool and boyish; it’s bad for boys to push gender roles because girl things are lower status and we don’t want our kids seeking to be lower status.”) So at the entry levels boys can wear casual play clothes in which they can move; once they are more invested, and going to be practicing with other boys wearing leotards, then the school starts requiring leotards.

    5. Miss Fisher*

      Not just gymnastics, have you seen what they have girls wear for cheerleading at a young age. It’s like booty shorts and sports bras. Throw onto that a ton of makeup. It’s insane. I remember someone blog posted about going to a store and measurIn inseems on girls vs boys shorts and the difference was so ridiculous.

    6. Falling Diphthong*

      (sigh–lost long comment to Safari bugging out)

      My son did competitive gymnastics.

      We ordered his uniforms online–girls you can easily pick up cheap ones at various spots, boys it’s a specialty item. That raises the barrier for them trying the sport.

      A larger barrier: in an ideal world, the school would make everyone wear leotards at every age so that they can judge form. In the actual world, wearing a “girl” outfit puts off too many boys from trying. My son didn’t wear a uniform to practice until he was on the team, at which point you aren’t “a boy in a leotard in a sea of girls” (which requires some reserves of nerve a lot of little boys don’t have, especially around age 4 when fitting in with their peers becomes very important to kids) but “a boy dressed like two dozen other boys on the team, some of whom are older boys doing handstand push-ups and clearly cool.”

      Somewhere between infancy and adolescence, topless girls become sexualized and considered inappropriate. I can’t blame the school for declining to decide the exact age where that happens. So this is the compromise they’ve come up with to encourage boys to give the sport a try, even though it’s a “girl thing”–let them wear normal play clothes in the preschool classes.

      1. acmx*

        Then girls shouldn’t be required to wear a leotard until they are on the team. This makes the girls’ family have to pay for something boys’ don’t. At 3 years old, it’s hard to determine how long their interest will last.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          The difference is also that one gender is not scorned for wearing the leotard, and for that gender the leotard is also cheap and readily available. That’s a real-life difference that is getting weirdly overlooked in this thread–For example, I will defend boys who want painted toenails (superhero stickers are popular), and tell their parents to just chill out and let the kid decide if there’s any negative feedback (varies by group) and if it’s too much (varies by kid). But I will protest if they are trying to force the boy to get that pedicure because they’ve decided to bash down barriers using the kids’ body, over his protests. The prejudice against “doing girl things” arises out of good old-fashioned sexism, but that doesn’t mean it’s not something boys anticipate being punished for by their peers in a way girls don’t.

          My experience of kids’ gymnastics classes is that the girls are not protesting wearing leotards, and in most cases if a three year old girl didn’t like leotards and wanted to wear shorts and T the reaction would be “Okay.” Some coaches are probably hard-asses about it, and they wouldn’t be a good match for that little girl.

          1. acmx*

            I’m just commenting on “must”. OP said the girls must wear the leotard. It should be optional. The three year old girl isn’t reading the attire requirements, the parents are. Really, how much “line” and “form” is being evaluated at 3 years of age? Why can’t the boys change into leotards while in the class? Who is seeing “a boy in a leotard in a sea of girls” to make fun?
            I’m not arguing for the boys to wear leotards just that it be optional for the girls, too.
            And don’t males wear pants anyways?
            Also, wrestling. Boys were those outfits OK.

    7. Wishing You Well*

      That rule is sexist. Shorts and tees for everyone. They’re 3 years old, for cryin’ out loud!

    8. The New Wanderer*

      I just checked over my kids’ gymnastics place and they don’t have any clothing requirements listed for any of their various types of classes (gymnastics, ninja, and various dance types), at least on the website. I think there are signs up around the building about how they need to wear clothes they can move around in.

      I would call and clarify that they’re really requiring a specific item of clothing that only girls have to buy for the class. That’s pretty much the definition of “pink tax.”

    9. Awkward Interviewee*

      Eh, I think you’re probably overreacting. I am pretty liberal and feminist and also a former gymnast. It’s not a sexualized thing – leotards are so much more comfortable and practical for doing gymnastics. Loose clothing like shirts can get caught on the equipment. And leotards are actually more modest because keeping a shirt tucked in while flipping around is difficult! I’m guessing the boys don’t have to wear leotards because boys’ leotards are hard to find or expensive for a casual class? Most gyms are fine with shorts over the leotard for a bit more modesty if you’d prefer that. Most female gymnasts prefer the leotard and shorts combo.

      1. Gingerblue*

        If it’s a safety or modesty issue serious enough to worry about for half the children, it’s a safety or modesty issue serious enough to worry about for all the children.

        1. Awkward Interviewee*

          But it’s not a modesty issue for boys? I don’t think anyone would argue that it’s inappropriate for boys to wear trunks and girls to wear one piece swimsuits for swim lessons?

          1. fposte*

            But it’s not a safety issue if it’s okay for one gender to wear it. And people do yoga in t-shirts without flashing the world.

            I don’t see it as early sexualizing myself, but I dislike the separate requirements, and I don’t see any logical reason for it.

            1. Falling Diphthong*

              I’ve actually seen people complain about other people doing yoga in T-shirt and loose shorts, because the person behind them in class–who really wasn’t interested in this information–could tell that the person in front of them wasn’t wearing any underwear. Top and bottom.

          2. Gingerblue*

            The fact that it’s considered a modesty issue for half the toddlers and not for the other half is part of the problem, not a response to it.

            1. Falling Diphthong*

              But… toplessness in males and females is viewed differently. Here in reality. “Trunks for boys, tank or tankini for girls” would be considered a banal requirement for a swim class. With “speedo for boys, tank for girls” only when they were at competitive level.

    10. LilySparrow*

      Leotards aren’t sexual. They allow teachers to see body alignment and form.

      Little boys need either support or coverage because they are built differently. Since they don’t really make tiny leotards with proper support for little boys (or at least, they don’t mass-market them), it is more practical for gyms to choose coverage.

      If you have some philosophical objection to your daughter wearing normal sportswear for her sport, just ask the school.

      They probably say “leotards required” so the girls don’t show up in swimsuits or jeans. My girls have worn tees and shorts to gymnastics before when we were behind on laundry. As long as they can move in it and there are no hard buttons or anything, nobody really cares.

    11. ..Kat..*

      Three years old? Their requirements for the little girls are ridiculous. I say this as a former gymnast.

  87. Amber Rose*

    Well, I may be too late for anyone to see this, but I need some input, hopefully without too much judgement.

    I had eye surgery so I go for regular checkups. The last couple times the doctor I’ve seen has smelled like hot garbage. Just, the worst body odor I’ve ever encountered. And it’s a tiny closet sized room and she’s in my face looking at my eyes, and I’m pretty sure she’s not getting accurate results since I pull away from her almost reflexively and have to battle my gag reflex.

    It’s so disgusting. I want to request anyone but her next time I go in, but since they’ll probably want to know why, is there a reasonable way to do this without seeming like an asshole?

    1. Call me St. Vincent*

      I think you can just say I would prefer not to see Dr. Soandso, can you please make sure my appointment is with someone else? If they press, just say I’d prefer not to see her, I hope that you can work around that. Thanks!

      1. HannahS*

        Yeah, this should be enough! The admins shouldn’t push you, and the likelihood that the doc herself will ask is extremely low. Plus the admins will know that she smells.

    2. KR*

      Could you say something like, “for some reason the perfume or shampoo she uses really triggers my sense of smell!” So it’s clear it’s about odor but you’re saying it in a kind way?

    3. Jaid_Diah*

      If you’re having that problem, other patients might be too. She may need counseling and won’t get it if you don’t be clear on the issue.

    4. Foreign Octopus*

      I like Call Me St Vincent’s idea of just request another doctor and then saying you’d just prefer it.

      However, it might be useful to say something like “I’m sensitive to certain fragrances and I’m afraid the doctor is setting off that sensitivity.” My guess is that the people who work with her are aware of her bad odour as well; they’ll be able to read between the lines.

  88. Anna*

    Any german speaking that could point me towards Something like AAM weekend free for all in German? Neither English nor German native speaking but would like to follow Some german blogs too. Thank you

    1. ElspethGC*

      It’s not a blog, but the Q&A site Quora has a German version, among other languages. I think a lot of language learners follow multiple languages on there so that they can read colloquial language, and there’s always some pretty interesting stuff on there.

  89. Caregiver fatigue*

    Thanks everybody for your suggestions a while back! I’m going to look for a therapist after signing onto my state’s insurance plan (old insurance about to expire, moved here some time back and can get cheaper rates).

    In thinking about who to look for, I realized that I have a lot of problems getting going with and keeping commitment to mundane, everyday tasks, like cleaning my apartment. I know that this has come from the “life sucks, why bother?” that I’ve had for the last couple years. I thought about looking for a life coach (a profession of whom my psychiatrist thinks highly), to help me get my butt into gear. But I’m wondering about whether I should go to tharpy first, and spend a bit of time there, to see if that helps.

    Thoughts?

    1. Madge*

      I’d start with therapy. The life coach seems like a distraction. Fixing the “life sucks” attitude can go a long way towards being more productive and you can probably make progress on life management stuff as one of your therapy goals.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      It’s good to know what will click with you. For me, I think I have my own weird ideas going on. I did not want to sit and talk about the parents problems. I wanted to see me moving toward something better. I wanted to build a full life for myself. I believed that moving through my burnout required me to find something that I was genuinely excited about moving toward.

    3. Close Bracket*

      I have read interviews with life coaches who say they see a lot of clients who they tell to go to therapy instead. That tells me that starting with therapy is a good idea. :) If you decide to try life coaching, see if your psychiatrist will give you a rec. It’s not that well regulated as a profession, so you don’t want to end up with some fruit loop. The latter part applies to therapists, as well.

    4. ..Kat..*

      There are no requirements for being a life coach. Quality varies widely. An cleaning/organizing specialist (still no requirements) could help you have a cleaner, more organized space that can help you feel better in your home.

  90. Rachel the Moderate*

    Anyone ever try medical marijuana for anxiety/depression? I live in a state where it’s legal and a friend shared some info about her own use and suggested I give it a shot. I have no interest in getting high or feeling buzzed, but it would be great to be able to treat terrible anxiety with something a little more natural. Is this just a crazy idea? My previous marijuana experiences were all high school related (many eons ago).

    1. Close Bracket*

      If you don’t want to be high, think about CBD oil. It’s supposed to have the benefits of marijuana without the intoxicating effects.

      A friend of mine who uses mmj says she sleeps better, for what that’s worth.

    2. Red*

      I like the CBD oil for my anxiety. Helps with my chronic pain, too. It comes in a little bottle and you just put a dropperful of it under your tongue or in your food. Doesn’t get you high because there’s no THC in it. This is not to say that THC doesn’t help (I find that it’s 50/50 whether it helps me), just that there are options aplenty if you’re not into that.

    3. Anonymous weed smoker*

      I smoke mainly for anxiety but I also enjoy getting high. Just know there are tons of products and strains out there to try and if you walk into a reputable dispensary and tell the bud tenders what effect you are going for or what you are trying to help they will be able to help you out. These people love weed and learn lots about it. They want to help you out.

  91. Jaid_Diah*

    ….My Dad just called and asked me to order the things I wanted for Hanukah and have them sent to his house. Welp, I can’t complain, ‘cos I’m getting what I want, LOL. But I still don’t know what to get Mom. She doesn’t like Amazon and won’t keep a list.
    Sigh.

  92. Bowserkitty*

    I received three photos this week of my baby kitty! That is kind of a record as my friend hasn’t really been sending me any lately. He looks like himself, super comfortable. I’m warmed. <3 I wish I could call him and let him know I am still coming back for him, but I don't even want to video chat because it would confuse him.

    I always get in on these posts too late because of the time difference. -_-

    1. Turtlewings*

      It’s so hard leaving pets because you can’t explain to them that you’re coming back! I’m glad he’s doing well while you’re gone.

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