weekend free-for-all – December 8-9, 2018

by Alison Green on December 8, 2018

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book Recommendation of the Week: 99 Glimpses of Princess Margaret, by Craig Brown. I love  a good malcontent, and she was that. This book is gossipy and fascinating (for example: she made even close friends call her “ma’am,” and her husband once left a note in her desk headed “24 reasons I hate you”). I am only reading things about the royal family now.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. Anonymouse - piano lessons*

    Hi
    As an early Christmas present to myself I just bought a Yamaha keyboard. Does anyone have recommendations for online piano lessons or books/dvd? I’m too far away from anyone who offers piano lessons in person.
    Thanks

    1. Thanks For Nothing*

      Great Courses Plus ($20/mo) has an excellent piano lesson course, as well as several excellent programs on music history that might be interesting.

      My kids like Hoffman Academy. The lessons are free and can be found on the website or on youtube. If you want the sheet music and music theory packets, there’s costs that works out to about $100 for about a semester’s worth of lessons.

      1. Anonymouse - piano lessons*

        Great – thank you. Yes I forgot to mention I also need to learn how to read music!

      2. Thanks For Nothing*

        You might like Hoffman Academy a little more in that case. Although it’s designed for kids and is a little bit overly cutsie for my personal tastes, he does a good job of teaching piano skills and theory skills

      3. BunnyWatsonToo*

        A few years ago I bought a keyboard even though I had my last piano lesson almost 40 years ago. I can recommend Alfred’s Basic Adult Piano Course series of books. The level 1 book starts off with absolute beginner information – how to sit at keyboard, where to place your hands. It assumes you know nothing. The series books and supplemental books of just music are all available on Amazon and very reasonably priced.

        1. J Kate*

          I second Alfred’s basics adult course. After going through the first book I could actually play some songs (though I never did go further).

        2. Imprudence*

          Another vote for trhe Alfred course — you can see all the pieces on youtube as well as on the CD that comes with the book

        3. Kendra*

          Seconding the Alfred seires! I learned piano from the Alfred series for Young Beginners and subsequently the standard All-In-One course. They have a lot of books that are graded appropriately and it makes you better at sightreading music because you can learn a large volume of songs, each of which are only slightly harder than the last one you learned.

          1. Susan Miller-Coulter*

            As a 76 year old who started just a couple of years ago, in addition to the other suggestions, I think it would be useful to have in person lessons even if only once a month. While the books do tell you how to place your hands and hold your body, most students need in person corrections. I also recommend looking up The Virtuoso Pianist by Charles-Louis Hanon, is a compilation of sixty exercises meant to train the pianist in speed, precision, agility, and strength of all of the fingers and flexibility in the wrists. It is the bane of most students’ lives, but I love seeing how I am progressing and gaining though pretty darn slowly. Good luck, and welcome to the fray.

        4. Everdene*

          I n’th the Alfred Series. My Dr og music uncle recommend it to me when I wanted to take up piano again as an adult.

    2. FOWG*

      Check out /piano on Reddit. They have a lot of good info in that forum and have a very good signal to noise ratio.

    3. ArtsNerd*

      Yay! Congrats and welcome! I love hearing about adult’s learning new instruments. It opens up new worlds and I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

  2. Anonicat*

    Ok ladies, after 20 decent years my period is being a bitch again. I’ll be having a chat with my doctor this week about what hormonal birth control options migh deal with the pain and nausea (bonus points for acne control), but what are you all using and what are its pro and cons?

    1. Lena Clare*

      Ugh same. I actually came off the pill because migraines, so I’ll be interested in others’ suggestions.

      Giving up caffeine helps me (sorry).

    2. Amberlyn*

      I use the progestin-only pill. After the first couple of moths I stopped having periods altogether. I do have mild nausea occasionally, but overall I don’t have many side effects. The schedule is very delicate, though—if you’re more than three hours late, even once, the effectiveness plummets for a few days and its as if you’re taking it for the first time again.

      I should mention, though, that because I have estrogen sensitive epilepsy, progestin-only is my only option for hormonal birth control.

      1. Julia*

        Same! Progesterone only was recommended specifically for my endometriosis, and I haven’t had a period in almost three years. No side effects so far, but that doesn’t mean it will be the same for you.

      2. Not All*

        That’s what I’m doing too these days…I hate it compared to the combo pill. I still get pretty heavy periods, but a lot less pain than with nothing at all. Combo pills were the only thing that stopped them entirely but they won’t prescribe them for me anymore (joys of being over 40 with a chronic health issue that means taking my blood pressure with an arm cuff is so painful it shoots up as soon as they try…it’s fine if they do it with a wrist cuff but most doctors won’t use them). Depo is exactly the same for me but then I have to get to the clinic for a shot.

        My first doctor that prescribed the progesterone-only pill told me to be sure to stay within the 2-3 hour window. But when I went to Planned Parenthood to see if there were other options for me, the doctor there said she’s consistently seen drop in effectiveness with people who vary by as little as 30 minutes. I thought maybe she was exaggerating so I had some friends ask their OBGYNs and most of them also said it starts to get less effective at the 30 min to 1 hr window. That is just TOO narrow for me to trust as birth control. So I’m using the minipill for convenience while birth control itself isn’t relevant, and when I think sex is on the table then I switch to Depo.

        I cannot WAIT for menopause! 7 more years if family history holds true (how many bottles of ibuprofen is that?)

        1. CatMintCat*

          Menopause was one of the best things to happen to me. Years of misery and dreading every month just went away; I had reached the point where I was begging the doctors for a hysterectomy just to make it all stop but they wouldn’t because I was “healthy”. It’s fantastic.

          1. Deep Purple Dream*

            I had to fight my insurance to get my hysterectomy. I countered all their arguments with research. Had another procedure that simply made things worse. Life improved 100% after my hysterectomy. My little patch keeps my hormones even. It was the first time in my life since 14.

      3. Jennifer85*

        +1 – I’m on progesterone only specially because of migraines but not getting periods is IMO a massive plus as a side effect..

      4. SR*

        I would be VERY careful with progestin-only if you’re concerned about acne, though, Anonicat. I was on a progestin-only pill because of nausea from the combination pill for three months. The cystic acne I got from it lasted almost a year. (Happy and healthy on Levora now!)

        1. Julia*

          FWIW, I’ve always had mild to moderate acne and didn’t see any change (neither for the better nor for the worse) with my pill.

    4. Anona*

      I have a hormonal iud (mirena) and last time I had it my period almost went away completely (after like a month of spotting when it was initially installed). But if you get an IUD, just be aware that the non hormonal one, paraguard, is actually said to increase your bleeding!

    5. Red Reader*

      I’ve been on Depo for nigh 15 years and change and I love it. (Yes, that is longer than commonly recommended, my doc and I are paying attention and both comfortable with my health status, no lectures please.) But people either love it or hate it, I’ve never met anyone who’d tried it and was neutral. I haven’t had a monthly but three times in the last ten years, and those because I was delayed on getting my shot. People who hate it have had weight gain, mood issues, and acne issues most commonly; I have had none of those. There are also some studies that show bone loss while on it, again, not a problem I have displayed personally.

      1. Amberlyn*

        Another important symptom to watch for with the shot is anemia—I had no idea what was making me so sick at first, when I was on it!

      2. Amber Rose*

        My doctor threw a fit when he learned I’d been on the birth control patch for 15 years, so now I’m on Depo as of yesterday.

        Does it always hurt so much? My whole left arm is screaming at me. :(

        1. Red Reader*

          I remember it hurt for a day or so when I was getting it in my arm, but it doesn’t hurt at all since I switched to getting it in my hip/glut. Bigger muscle helps, I think? See if that’s an option for next time maybe.

        2. Someone Else*

          If you ice it right away, like as soon as you get home after the appointment, an take ibuprofen (or OTC pain med of your choice) right away that can help a lot with the soreness. If you wait long enough that it’s bugging you, neither help as much in my experience. It’ll still hurt in the moment of the shot, but if you ice and take something as soon as possible, the lingering ouch will be significantly decreased.
          That said, I had the shot for years and they never did it in the arm, always the hip.

        3. Nines*

          I’ll third getting the shot in the gluteus only. I got to a point where I was passing out every time I got a shot until a nurse offered to do it in my hip and I never had a problem again! And overall I really loved it! I’m on the mirena IUD now for similar reasons above. Doctors freaking out that I had been on it so long. But I was a smoker at the time so the bone loss was apparently more concerning etc, so I gave in. And I just got my second five year IUD last summer. It’s pretty great.

      3. KAO*

        Same, I’ve been on depo for 20+ years. My doctor has only mentioned coming off it once and I’ve had no side effects. Zero periods, which is fantastic.

    6. Ranon*

      I’m on the hormonal IUD (mirena) as well, and after a few months of random spotting my period has settled down to ~5 days of basically spotting with one day in there of what you might call “flow”. No other noticeable side effects but my body has always played well with hormonal bc.

    8. esra*

      Like others, I’m on the mirena iud. It changed my liiiiife. Also I like not really having to think about it until like, 2022-23.

    9. Dr. KMnO4*

      I just got Mirena 3 weeks ago.

      Cons: Insertion was deeply unpleasant. Actual quote from the doctor, “Don’t let anyone tell you that you don’t have good pain tolerance”. But that’s mostly because my biology is weird, as it turns out. I had a couple days of cramps and still have minor spotting, which I believe is normal.

      Pros: The doctor said my period may go away after a while (huge pro for me). I don’t have to worry about remembering to take the pill at the same time every day, or getting my Rx filled on time or scheduling my doctor appointment so that my Rx doesn’t run out. I don’t have to think about BC for the next 5ish years if I don’t want to. If I do want to have kids then it’s easily removed.

      If you go for an IUD definitely take ibuprofen before your appointment.

    10. Ali G*

      I use generic Jolessa. I take the 90-day packs. If that’s an option for you I suggest it. If your periods are a pain (mine are now very light), at least you only have to do it 4x a year. Downside is I am pretty sure it’s partly to blame for my lack of libido. Also has your diet changed? Dairy and soy are known to wreak havoc on your hormones, so if you are eating a lot of those, that could be part of the problem. Also sh!t just gets weird as we get older. It sucks.

      1. Epsilon Delta*

        I also use the 90-day Jolessa and highly recommend it. It is awesome to only have a period every three months.

      3. Merci Dee*

        I’m on the generic Jolesa, as well, and I love that my periods have gotten much lighter and only come quarterly.

        Main reason I looked into birth control was for symptom management instead of actual prevention of pregnancy. The Jolesa has gotten rid of the pain, volume of bleeding, etc. But it hasn’t stopped the restless legs syndrome that was bundled in with my other PMS symptoms. Oddly enough, even though my period is only every 3 months, I still get RLS every month when my period would have been if not for the pills.

        Anyone else have problems with that?

        1. Ali G*

          oh that’s interesting. I don’t have RLS but I have another nerve issue in my right thigh. It definitely picks up when I have my period. I attribute it to bloating, dehydration, and other symptoms. I think there are links between these things and nerve issues.

    11. moss boss*

      I am also on the Mirena train – three years now and I’m so happy I did it. After beinggiven the runaround on treatment for excessive bleeding and extreme symptoms by my regular doctor, I got a referral to a gyno who said that this was fixable! Today! And if Mirena didn’t work then we would try something else! (Doctors who care! And listen! Amazing!)

      I went in with the knowledge that after insertion, things would get worse before they got better and that I shouldn’t make any decisions about taking it out until I’d reached the 6 month mark. By 4 months, my period had effectively stopped, and I no longer had to take multiple days off every month. And bonus: no ruined underwear! No bleeding through a tampon plus a pad during a movie!

      I can say that for me, it has definitely not stopped ovulation. I still get achy, tired, and hungry for the three days prior to when my “period” (i.e. occasional light spotting) starts. But it is no longer debilitating, I can function normally, and I no longer wish to carve out my uterus every new moon.

      I am extremely pleased with the results and it was totally worth the 3 months of cramping and bleeding after insertion. I have been told by my gyno that we can just keep replacing the IUD until my blood work shows that menopause is done and I will never again be required to go through one of my crazy periods. I still have overwhelming feelings of gratitude for this.

    12. PB*

      This is a tough one, because there isn’t a universal right answer. Everyone’s body is different, and will react differently. I used to take the progestin-only pill, and it was absolute hell for me. Everything went wrong, including heavier, painful, irregular periods and hair falling out in clumps. Other people love it and don’t experience any of those side effects. I’m on the lowest dose estrogen birth control, and it’s great for me. My periods are very regular and much lighter, with only minimal cramping.

      The best advice I can give you is to listen to your body. It can take a couple months to know exactly how you’ll respond to the bill, but if you think something has changed, for better or worse, pay attention. It actually took me a long time to notice the hair loss, because it happens over time, and took me even longer to link it to the pill. Also, find a sympathetic doctor. The doctor I had while on the progestin-only pill was honestly kind of a dick to me and, despite these symptoms, wouldn’t prescribe me anything different. I just had to stop taking it and damn the consequences.

      1. Anonicat*

        I feel so lucky to have my current doctor. Checking that my period isn’t giving me too much trouble is something she always makes time for during my annual checkup, so I’m confident that I’ll come away from the appointment this week with something to try straight away.

    13. TheMonkey*

      I never had very tough periods, so not sure how to advise on that point, but I’ll put in a vote for Nexplanon. Insert a matchstick-sized implant under your skin and don’t worry again for 3 years. My period is essentially non existent–after insertion in May, I’ve had a day of super light bleeding in August and one again just this week. No side effects for me–weight is the same, etc. If anything, I think my moods have evened out compared to being on NuvaRing previously (which I also loved as a “set it and forget it” type of BC each month)

    14. Randa Palfy*

      I went on a plant-based diet and those symptoms disappeared. I drink a little tea but no coffee.

      1. Julia*

        That didn’t work for me at all. I tried going vegan (was already a vegetarian) and even gluten-free to help with my endometriosis, and it did absolutely nothing. Great if it worked for you, though.

        1. Anonicat*

          It’s weird isn’t it? I know someone who saw improvement on a plant-based diet, 2 friends who say the plant-based diet made it worse, and one person who swears avoiding sugar does the trick for her.

    15. Putting Out Fires, Esq.*

      I’m just watching this because I was banished from all hormonal birth control after I developed vulvadynia and tissue atrophy (an excellent birth control solution though- no sex no babies). But now that I’ve just had second child and we want some space before 3, I’m pondering giving it another shot. Maybe there are new pills from five years abo, maybe my hormone profile has changed. I do know I want a pill so I can stop the instant symptoms return…

    16. misspiggy*

      I use a progesterone only pill, Desogestrel (Cerazette is the main brand name). You don’t have to take it at the same time every day and it completely removes my periods. Very few side effects for me other than sore boobs for the first couple of weeks of taking it. Also much less chance of thrombosis than the combined pill, which is why it was prescribed to me (I get migraines).

    17. StarHen*

      I take a generic, continuous-for-a-year regimen, Amethyst. Combined monophasic pills work for me: I never have to deal with bleeding, and the continuous dosing makes it more effective than pill regimens with planned placebo/no pill days.

      Mirena did not work for me; I don’t know if it was the physical IUD, the progesterone without estrogen, or both, but I bled for constantly with terrible cramps, and finally gave up after almost a year. I don’t think that’s typical, though.

      Good luck!

    19. ArtsNerd*

      Unfortunately, it’s basically a game of roulette. I’ve tried a few different options over the years.

      My roommate’s lifesaver (Nuvaring) left me with depression so crippling I couldn’t even form a grammatically coherent sentence on the phone with my doctor when I was trying to ask to switch back. Everyone reacts SO differently, and it’s nigh-impossible to say which version is going to work for you and which is going the be a nightmare.

      That crapshoot has been worth it for me, and I hope you hit jackpot on the first try! (I don’t know how casinos work, fwiw.)

    20. Salamander*

      I’ve been on the pill for going on 25 years. For the last twelve or so, I’ve been on Junel Fe 24 or similar (Minastrin 24, Lomedia Fe 24) . It has four days of dummy pills and causes me to have no periods whatsoever. Haven’t had a period in ten years. No spotting, nothing. I used to have nine-day periods that were extremely heavy (think needing to use both pads and tampons, and changing every couple of hours), so this pill will be pried out of my cold, dead hands.

    21. Cheshire Cat*

      Is anyone else reading through this thread thinking of the short story “Even the Queen” by Connie Willis?

      I am postmenopausal now and loving it. Best wishes to you, Anonicat!

  4. Chocolate Teapot*

    On the subject of this week’s book recommendation, I always enjoy Craig Brown’s spoof columns in Private Eye (UK satirical magazine). There was a funny one by Gwyneth Paltrow recently.

    It is horrible windy rainy weather here at the moment, the sort where you would be best off staying indoors, but shopping for groceries is required.

  5. Tonya*

    My mom mentioned that she’s bored. She’s 59 and fairly active with friends, outdoor interests, tutoring and book club etc so this comment kind of surprised me. She’s been divorced for 31 years and mentioned wanting someone to cook for and wait on… In the past, she’s worked multiple jobs but now she has a decent paying job and doesn’t need to. She’s a recent breast care survivor and battles occasional anxiety so idle time does worry me. Any thoughts on a good hobby or activity? I live five hours away but was even trying to think of things we could “do together” virtually.

    1. Amberlyn*

      Have you thought about writing a personal history for her? When we did one with my grandparents, my mom set it up as a sort of weekly interview. She would mail them a list of questions, like, “Who was your favorite teacher?” or, “What happened the first day you met your spouse?” and they would record their answers on a small tape recorder. It was fun for them, and it’s great to have those tapes now.

    4. StellaBella*

      If she likes to cook for people and wait on folks, maybe suggest that she makes baked goods for the end of the year to give to food centres/places that feed homeless folks? I would also ask her if she knows about old folks’ care homes that need volunteers to help with activities and perhaps in those roles maybe there is room to cook for others? Not sure but seems like there may be centres in her town that could use a volunteer to do something like this?

      1. Peacemaker*

        This. There is nothing better than involving yourself in service to others (whatever the time of year) to make you stop thinking of your own concerns.

      2. Natalie*

        Shelters often need volunteers to cook and serve meals. If she doesn’t work they’ll love her schedule.

    5. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Does she want to date? Men in her age bracket are typically into being cooked for and waited on, if that’s her thing.

      2. Reba*

        Ha. Tonya, maybe you could draw her out more on what the “cooking and waiting on” means to her — could this mean she is lonely or wants companionship?

    6. Handy Nickname*

      My grandma is also alone, and retired, so lots of free time. She is very involved in her church, so lots of quilting, ladies aid groups, etc. She also does deliveries for Meal on Wheels, which is delivering hot meals to mostly home bound seniors who sign up for the program. She really enjoys that one, because she always goes in to visit for a while when she drops off the food, and the people she’s delivering to usually appreciate that too, since they’re often lonely. I’m not sure if it’s a nation-wide program, but maybe she could even get involved in the making meals side of things, depending on how it’s set up. I hope you are able to find something for her!

      1. CrazyPlantLady*

        Meals on Wheels is nationwide and always looking for volunteers. Also, look for organizations in your community who deliver meals to HIV or cancer patients. I don’t know of a national organization that does this but know of local organizations in a couple of major metro areas. Some of these allow food that you’ve prepared at home, but others require the food to be cooked in their commercial kitchens, which she could also volunteer to do.

      1. Lis*

        Rev.com. If she is used to working a lot, maybe she would like transcribing in spare time. I do NOT get a referral bonus or anything, I just work for them in my spare time and I like it. My day job bores me a bit too

        1. Handy Nickname*

          Ooh I’m interested in this! How do you get started transcribing for them? I poked around their website, but I’m just seeing ways to submit work to them. What kind of time commitment do they require?

          1. Anonomo*

            I checked it out too, this is neat! For Handy Nickname- click the menu, then login and underneath is a “become a freelancer” button for more info.

    8. boots the long haired cat*

      Is she bored or lonely? Having lots of activities doesn’t give you time to be bored, so I wonder if she doesn’t have that many. By comparison, I’m mid-50’s have activities that keep me busy 3-4 nights per week + full-time job, and I’m mostly exhausted. So, if she’s not doing something many nights a week, time to do something there. Sports? Dance? cooking at a food bank/homeless shelter? Volunteering somewhere where she is depended upon and needed?

    9. JxB*

      A couple ideas…

      1) My daughter was in a long-distance relationship and always seemed to be on the phone with him. After constantly feeling shut out when it was just the two of us. I made the rule that if she was with ME one-on-one, she could only be on the phone with him on speaker. Amazingly, it became a ritual and he often “joined” us for food prep, dinner, car rides and more. We didn’t do Facetime, only audio but the phone would sit in the middle of the table on speaker and he’d eat his dinner (also on speaker – no obnoxious chewing noises) and chat with us while we ate ours. They did a lot of things together over the phone, even watching TV. The point is, you don’t have to be on the phone simply to engage in a call. You can actually use it to spend time together remotely while you do your regular stuff. It could be as simple as “let’s have dinner by phone Tuesday night” or customized like “let’s both try this recipe and have dinner by phone to discuss the results”.

      2) Have her check out MeetUp. I’m married, have a nice family and a good group of extended friends. But sometimes I’m bored and just spontaneously want to do something without having to organize a lot schedules. I joined a handful of MeetUp groups with interests similar to mine. (These are interest-based, not dating.) At any time I can simply look at what is available today. One group was smaller and involved ladies who wanted to meet for coffee at interesting places. Another was generation based and had hundreds of users. There were standard items like Tuesday evening walk and imprompu like “who wants to go to XZY movie at 2:00”. If you RSVP’d yes, then expected to show up. But otherwise, very casual – no expectations. Didn’t even need to reply.

    10. anonagain*

      Did your mom ask for suggestions? Or was she just telling you how she’s doing? If it wasn’t clear from your conversation, I would try to figure out first if she was looking for advice/solutions or if she wanted to be heard and to connect with you in that moment. Boredom and loneliness are just part of life, I think. Sometimes you’re working through it already and it’s just nice to be able to talk about it.

      If she was definitely looking for suggestions, there are lots of good ones here. Perhaps she would benefit from a support group or therapy if she is not already doing that.

      I hope you have a good support system in place for yourself too. It’s so hard to have a parent go through a major illness.

      1. Jane of All Trades*

        100% this. Didn’t think of that, but this is such a thoughtful message. Sometimes we just need people to listen, and not to shoulder the burden of our situation.

    11. Seeking Second Childhood*

      My mom had an ongoing policy of letting friends or family who were moving to NYC stay with her for a couple of weeks while they looked for apartments. She loved her visitors…AND she loved getting her house back to herself when they found a new place to live.

    12. Chi chan*

      She could check out big brother big sister for sometime with a child. Maybe cook a picnic lunch for them sometime.

    14. Tonya*

      Thanks everyone. Good things to consider. She mentioned it in passing that she finally has a decent paying job and is considering dating so she could cook for someone. She hasn’t had the best luck dating but it’s been awhile since she’s had anything serious. She does volunteer once a week but I like the ideas above – a new cause to spark her interest. You all are wonderful, as always.

  6. TL -*

    I have a tiny little book review blog (that I update very inconsistently.) It’s mostly for the enjoyment of talking about the books that I’ve read, but I usually tweet a link when I post.

    I was scrolling through Instagram a few nights ago and I saw the name of my blog and a quote from my latest review! Julia Quinn read my review and liked it so much she posted a quote on IG! It was so very cool! And she was super great about it in the comments -I popped in to thank her and she said she’d looked for an IG account connected to the blog and offered to tag the account I commented with. It was such a cool experience!

    (Link in my name to my blog with the screenshot if you’d like.)

    1. The Other Dawn*

      That’s so cool! Congrats!

      I’ve had dreams of that happening to me, but mine is just a personal blog and I don’t put a ton of effort into it, so what can I really expect? I’ve tried to get more enthusiastic and post more, but the desire just isn’t there most of the time.

  7. Marion Ravenwood*

    My sister asked for that Princess Margaret book for Christmas, so I’m very pleased to see it’s one of Alison’s recommendations!

    Also, Wallace is SO CUTE. *heart eyes emoji*

  8. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Writing thread!
    How’s everyone’s writing going?
    How do you deal with writing during the upcoming holiday season?

    1. Julia*

      I ended up being offered a new job and spent some time at home with family before it started, so I got maybe a few hundred words down in November, instead of the 50.000 I had planned. Now I’m getting used to my job and commuting and can’t focus on writing at all…

    2. Sapphire*

      I tried NaNoWriMo for the first time this year, but tech rehearsals and a show and production meetings killed it. I did get about 6,000 words of a new novel, an excerpt of which I’m going to present at an open mic night in February.

      I’m also trying to work on two plays and a stand-up set, but the stand-up only has to be five minutes, so I just need to tweak it.

    3. Thanks For Nothing*

      I had to delete half my script (put it into a redacted file on the off chance something comes up and I want to refer back). The external tensions in my head did not match watch came out in words. Spent three days sulking and watching movies, lol. Back at it this morning though!

    4. Bookslinger*

      Great! I finished NaNo with over 62K (my first win in years). Pretty sure a quarter of them were editing notes to self. The novel isn’t complete, but I’m still plugging away. We live far away from family, so the Holidays are more manageable for me. How did you do? You asked but didn’t say.

    6. CanadaTag*

      Oooh, there are others who do NaNo on here? Yay! Didn’t realize that. :)

      My first year MLing, and I was semi-astonished I managed to reach 55K. And the end of the novel! Still have to get those pesky Chp. 6 & 7 written, but 8 & 9 (the end) are done! (Plus about 1/4 of the first chapter of the sequel….) Also planning to start self-publishing in 2019 with my 2009 NaNoWriMo novel, so there’s that….

    7. Liane*

      I have one more of my weekly articles to finish by Monday deadline for all publishing between 12/17 & 1/7 plus I already finished most January articles too. My last article won’t take long as it’s on a specific set of game mechanics and I know what I am going to write, just have to settle in and do it.
      Several of the ones I have completed are stats of some well-know Christmas characters, ready to use for some roleplaying game systems, and I am finishing up some artwork for one of those articles, which is keeping my graphics card occupied rendering the piece.

      (And then I can spend the next week or so grumbling about a couple of my fellow Staff Writers (there are 5 of us), who may have forgotten about the Monday deadline. Which means I will have at least 16 to do my part of the editing on, possibly at once, instead of being able to get them as they trickle in.)

  9. Anon for this one*

    Yesterday I was informed that texting my mom means I cannot possibly be a literature and linguistics student.
    Okay then.

      1. Anon for this one*

        I was waiting for my train and texting my mom to tell her which train I’m taking when this elderly man with a cane comes up to mek and goes “Ugh, how is that even POSSIBLE?” (bad translation but not sure how to translate it otherwise). I was thinking he meant no one being polite enough to get up from one of the few seats for him so I just looked up all confused.
        “It’s even been in the news this very morning how you’re all addicted to those things!”
        At this point, I’m unimpressed and respond that people do the same things with books too.
        “Pfff, books. How about you read a book maybe?”
        “I’m a LITERATURE student.”
        He just scoffed disbelievingly but I ignored him. Kinda proud of myself for not engaging further, tbh.

        1. Anon for this one*

          And frankly even if I was playing games on my phone wth would’ve been wrong with that?! At least I’m not going around bothering random strangers about things I don’t actually understand.

        2. NeverNicky*

          Literature grad here. I read “books” on my phone – maybe Mr Curmudgeon needs to learn about Kindle!

          1. Anon for this one*

            THIS!
            Hell, our European Literature professor even described some classics as “You need to have these on your phone and take them with you wherever you go”.

        3. Jaid_Diah*

          I read my books on my phone and my tablet. I can change the fonts and switch between books depending on my mood without carrying multiple volumes. I can borrow from the library without traveling and request books from different places.

          That old man can pound sand.

    2. Middle School Teacher*

      Ah yes, the attack of the curmudgeon. I got harshly told off by one in the parking lot after church one day because I have one of those little Darwin fish on my car. Apparently real Catholics don’t believe in evolution?? I never went back to that church :/

      2. sleepwakehopeandthen*

        Ugh, Catholics who don’t believe in evolution make me so mad (as a fellow Catholic and also scientist). There’s no reason not to! The pope said it was fine! In 1950!

        1. sleepwakehopeandthen*

          (Also, like the overwhelming scientific evidence, but it is something that we have also been told explicitly does not contradict our beliefs).

          1. sleepwakehopeandthen*

            I mean, my opinions on science are also not based on what the pope says, but I feel like most of the Catholics who disagree with evolution are way more into what the pope says (and it’s been multiple ones, so they don’t even have the excuse of really not liking this pope, because IME those two populations often overlap), so I feel like it is an argument that should work with them.

        3. Deep Purple Dream*

          Yep. Two different questions. Why not how. The method is God’s business. One of our former bishops took a parent to task on this when she challenged why evolution was being taught at our parish school.

        4. blackcat*

          It’s my understanding that the official Catholic stance on the bible is much more “inspired by god and full of allegory and important lessons” rather than “the word of god.” So evolution is consistent with Genesis, b/c Genesis isn’t meant to be taken literally in their view (which is good, given that Genesis is self-contradictory! Multiple, conflicting versions of the same events!)

          In fact, my study bible is endorsed by the Catholic church. And it has cool stuff like analysis of who people think wrote what books and when they were edited. So neat! And definitely taking the “this is a book written by real, fallible” humans approach to the bible.

    3. HannahS*

      What?! You mean you don’t write your mother letters by candlelight, bundling them week by week, and then sending a bunch whenever you can scrape together the money for a stamp, not knowing whether or not they’ll even reach her distant shores? Disgraceful.

      1. Observer*

        LOL!

        Of course, she shouldn’t wait to send those handwritten (with a QUILL) letters – she should prioritize finding postage over what ever nonsense these young whippersnappers waste their money on!

  10. Heisnearly30*

    This is kind of a strange one, but if anyone has any advice or insights about my brother’s behaviour, I would appreciate it. We went for dinner out with our parents. My dad started to tell a very long and complex story (hate to say that it was boring, but…) After a while, my mam gently asked him to stop because no one was following the story. A few days later, my brother was visiting our parents with his girlfriend. He asked our dad to tell the story again, and giggled with his girlfriend during it. Basically he asked with the intention of laughing at dad with his girlfriend. What sort of childish ass behaviour is this

    1. Waiting for the Sun*

      Immature and off-putting behavior. Also a warning sign for the girlfriend – if he treats his family like a joke, how will he treat her?

    2. Loopy*

      This is really off-putting to me. I know it’s super important that my S/O respects and at least has a decent relationship with my dad. I’d never poke fun at him and specifically cause him to seem like a joke front of a S/O. It’s also really hurtful behavior and it doesn’t reflect well on your brother at all. If I were the girlfriend I’d be fairly judgmental or at least uncomfortable in the situation. It certainly doesn’t foster a healthy relationship.

      I’m not sure I have have great advice but I’d be sorely tempted to say something to him about how hurtful that type of behavior is and how it’s a terrible habit to form, poking fun at people you care about (or anyone of course). I’d definitely be tempted to mention it casts him in a childish and cruel hearted light and he should seriously rethink his actions but that may depend on your brother and the relationship between you both.

    4. Aphrodite*

      It was downright mean, the kind of mean behavior that immature childish people believe is humor. If the girlfriend went alone with his laughing then she is as vicious as he is. If she seemed uncomfortable and uncertain then she might be okay. But I agree that it portends what she can expect in their relationship as it goes forward.

      I’d personally get him alone (or with her if she seemed to be approving of it) and explain in detail why it is wrong and what it says about him. I’d ask him if that’s the kind of person he wants to be. If it is, he’d be out of my life and I’d keep him as far away as I could from my parents.

    5. LCL*

      None of us know your brother. Is it normal for him, to find the most amusement mocking others? Is it normal for your family? Or is this something new he started when he started keeping company with girlfriend? Had they been drinking?

    6. nonegiven*

      My mom can’t quite pronounce Shamu, a whale that used to be at Seaworld, so I would try to get her to say it because it was funny.

      1. Nines*

        I mean… that doesn’t sound like the nicest thing to do, but I think teasing someone about a word is much different than how they tell story/the stories they tell. And I’m assuming she was in on the fact that you were teasing her. There is a part of Nearly30’s story that seems like dad might have genuinely thought his son wanted to hear the story at first. Which I think makes it that much more nasty.

    7. Nines*

      Is it at all possible that he is so self involved he really thought he was just being funny? It would still be problematic behavior. But immaturity in a self-centered way, not a vicious way.

  11. StellaBella*

    Good afternoon, today is the first real day off I have had in 4 weeks – moving countries, etc. I have one more week of chores for the move in the next week, then can spent a lot more time doing things related to ending the year and finding some new (stuff we don’t talk about on weekends). I am hoping for a really great 2019.

    It may be a bit early to discuss the end of the year, but do you have end of year rituals – for your mental health, physical health, etc? Mine for several years has been to do a sorting of clothes I have not work in a while for donating them, and a snow walk on 25 December, and a quiet night in at the end of the year, with a women’s retreat in January to kick off a new year.

    For the past week I am baby sitting a doggo and my own cat, and enjoying the routine of dog walking and feeding rituals and such. They are having a detente of sorts but do tolerate each other some times. :)

    1. Waiting for the Sun*

      I need to do a clothes-sorting (and “”stuff”-sorting myself. The rest of your plans sound wonderful.

  12. Loopy*

    What makes you feel comfortable in someone else’s home? Assume its a first time visit and you’re very casual friends. I never host friends for anything and am having a newish friend over for a movie afternoon. Tips appreciated!

    1. Lcsa99*

      For me, I think its when the host is comfortable themselves. Rather than falling all over themselves. Asking if I want this or that, just chill and sit down and hang out like we would when we’re out doing something.

      1. Loopy*

        I will try and keep this in mind. It’s a super casual visit but I do want her to not be like omg that was awful.

    2. Anona*

      The availability of snacks, drinks, and blankets, and being shown where they are/told to help myself.

      1. Loopy*

        Thats interesting, I get really uncomfortable when people tell me to help myself (I never feel comfortable enough to do so). It’s good to know other are put MORE at ease by the offer, I’ll be sure to make it.

        1. Epsilon Delta*

          Me too, if I have to like dig in the pantry/fridge to get them. But I also feel bad asking the host to get me something or if I can have something after the initial offer, which I know is silly, but there you have it! If the snacks are set out on the table or a dedicated corner of the fridge/counter, then I would feel more comfortable helping myself.

          1. kc89*

            yeah I don’t typically have guests long term but I once had a couple stay with me for a week so I made a big basket with snacks and several 1 liter bottles of water and told them it was theirs for the taking.

            We also had like three meals out a day the entire trip so that wasn’t the only food available to them obviously lol but I thought it was a nice option in case they wanted something to snack on

    3. TL -*

      Having the place clean (but not sterile), offering food and water, and just being pleasant all help. Put a few blankets on the couch in case your friend gets cold and make sure there’s toilet paper and hand soap and a hand towel in the bathroom.

      If you’re in the South, “Can I get you anything?” followed by “help yourself to anything in the kitchen” is often welcoming. In the North, more specific options and maybe a snack platter is generally more culturally normal.

      1. Loopy*

        This explains my own feelings perfectly, I’m so glad you pointed out the differentiation. I’m from the North but living in the South. Friend is also from the North though so perhaps I’ll identify some specific snackage to have out. We’re doing Harry Potter movies and making butterbeer hot cocoa. What on earth complements butterbeer hot cocoa (think butterscotch for non-fans).

        5. Loopy*

          The cocoa was amazing (VERY sweet) and turns out she loves popcorn like nothing else, so we did that!

      2. The Other Dawn*

        Yes to having a clean place! It’s not that I care if someone is messy, but it’s really awkward when you get to someone’s house and you’re searching for a place to sit that isn’t covered in clutter. Or you’re nervously eyeing the bathroom, wondering when it was last cleaned.

        And yes to making sure there are enough supplies, like toilet paper. There’s been a few times where the paper has run out and I have to search through all the bathroom cabinets to find it. And at least once there hasn’t been extra.

        Also, try to make sure the house is at a comfortable temperature. This one is difficult since some people like it warmer or cooler. Maybe aim for 70 degrees? I find that’s usually a good temp. Or like others have said, keep some blankets around.

        1. SigneL*

          A clean bathroom. Seriously. I don’t mean the floor has to be surgically clean, but maybe run a sponge over the toilet?

          1. The Other Dawn*

            Exactly. And the sink. I won’t use my SIL’s bathroom because it looks like a tornado hit with all the clothing and such laying around, plus it’s dirty. Nope, I’ll hold it until I get home, which is 45 minutes away.

          2. Falling Diphthong*

            Noticed this morning there are kitten paw prints atop my toilet. If you don’t know what they are, it just looks weirdly dirty…

          3. Autumnheart*

            If snacks are being prepared, clean hand towels in the kitchen. For the designated bathroom, clean guest towels and soap in an obvious place. I hate it when I go to someone’s house and use the bathroom, then have to wash my hands and dry them on their questionable bath towel. Yuck.

        2. Loopy*

          Oh gosh, I didn’t think to check toilet paper (just got lucky on that) but I did some light cleaning beforehand. Made sure nothing was too cluttered, vaccuumed, wiped down kitchen and bathroom. Made sure all dishes were away and all counters were clear, etc. Wasn’t a deep clean but the house was tidy and there was no obvious grossness I think! Sounds like I was already on track with most suggestions (whew).

          1. The Other Dawn*

            I think “no obvious grossness” is actually a good goal when having someone over for the first time (or anytime depending how close you are and how much you care about it). Of course, everyone’s idea of what “obvious grossness” means is different. I once had a new friend over the first time (friend through work) and I knocked myself out for days before with deep cleaning (cats!). When we got together at another friend’s house (also from work), we were all talking about cleaning our houses, vacuums we like. etc. (we were a wild bunch LOL). She commented that my house was “pretty clean.” But it was said more like, “Eh, it was kind of clean but nowhere as clean as mine.” Everyone just kind of stared at her for a minute and then changed the subject. And at this person’s house later than night, apparently she ran her finger over the dresser in the bedroom and then told the hostess that she “missed a spot” while showing her her dusty finger. Her defense when she was called out on it at work the next day was that she was trying to help the hostess have a clean house.

            1. Loopy*

              People like that can’t come to my house. I just can’t stress myself out cleaning to that level. It’s a lived in house. I won’t have sticky counters with crumbs on them but I’m also not on my knees scrubbing the floors.

    4. SigneL*

      This may be just me, but I have a friend who has a cat and cat gets up on the kitchen counters, licks dishes, etc….cat hair in food…and if you have a big dog, maybe keep the dog from jumping on people?

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Agreed. I have multiple cats and I make a huge effort when people come over to make sure the cat hair has been removed as much as possible and that the cats aren’t doing embarrassing (to me) things. Mine are good about not getting on counters, but they’re not so great when there’s a table full of food (buffet style). I tend to put them in the bedrooms when I have holiday dinners or things like that, just until the eating part is over with, at least.

      2. Loopy*

        No cats but pet behavior is tricky. Fortunately, we both have very lovable pits/pit mixes. We are both dog people and I checked several times if mine was being obnoxious (I thought he was but she seemed to enjoy him). I got lucky that she thought he was adorable and loved him but his immediate, undying love of all guests can be a bit much. His absolute adoration of new people is both good and bad. I’ll have to find some ideas if I have people over who are not as in love with him back!

        1. The Other Dawn*

          I would say to check with people before they come over as to how they feel about dogs. If they’re afraid of dogs, you might need to put them in the bedroom or crate them (not sure how big your dog is), or move the party to their house. You also don’t want to surprise them if that’s the case and they didn’t know you have a dog. When I’m having new people over I always make sure to tell them I have 11 cats, that way they can opt out, or come and not wear black clothing (cat hair!).

          I’m not a dog person, but I’m also not afraid of them and I like well-behaved dogs, so I don’t mind when someone’s dog wants to play or be pet. I just hate when they won’t leave me alone. There have been a few times where someone’s dog jumped all over me the minute I walked in and wouldn’t stop trying to lick my hands and stuff like that (they smell my cats). I’ve had pants torn or dirtied up because the dog was jumping up so much.

          1. Salamander*

            I hear you on the cat hair; we have six and I do not own anything black any more.

            I love all animals and love to make new furry, scaly, or feathered friends. The only thing I ever really found off-putting was a friend’s dog who really liked to jump up and wasn’t deterred very much, and his claws put a hole in my shirt. I didn’t mention it, since it was an accident, and doggo is very sweet. But if jumping is a possibility, it’s a good idea to keep an eye on the doggos.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Having a couple of house rules is fine. Tell people right away: “We take our shoes off at the door.” Best idea is to tell them before they come to bring slippers. A bad idea is waiting until they have broken the house rules to tell them it’s not allowed in your house. We went to see family member and we got screamed at for wearing our shoes in the house. Well, duh. You could have said that at the door, Family Member, instead of waiting for us to walk all the way in….

      Some things are not so much house rules but just quirks of the house. I do not have a lock for my bathroom door. So I explain this and then I explain what I tell everyone is to close the door then OPEN the top drawer of a cabinet. When the drawer is pulled out , the drawer blocks the bathroom door from opening. Which basically locks the user in the bathroom while they are using it. Most of my animals will open the bathroom door. Not a problem when it was just the two of us, or me here on my own. However, company does not find this as funny as I do.

      In either case, rules or quirks, it’s best to speak up BEFORE anything happens. Most people are fine with this stuff and appreciate being told in advance so they don’t “make a mistake”.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Another reason for telling people the “no shoes in the house” rule: so they can make sure they have clean, hole-free socks. Happened to me once and I was really embarrassed because my friend didn’t tell me ahead of time. And of course I had my worst pair of socks on.

      2. Liz in a Library*

        Please tell people the shoe thing in advance! I have some nerve issues that mean I either wear high-arched shoes 100% of the time or I have hours of pain at the end of the day. Nothing is worse than trying to decide at the door whether to leave and look foolish or deal with the consequences and be unable to sleep later.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Ditto to this…and decide if people who do the same at home can being their “indoors only” shoes.

          Oh and Liz, have you seen the orthotics-compatible slippers being sold at last?

      3. Loopy*

        I missed this but will keep it in mind for the future. We are a no shoes house but I wasn’t going to make her take them off. She endedup asking and I was like well we usually dont but it’s completely fine to keep yours on if you prefer. Which I realize in hindsight isn’t ideal. She seemed fine with taking them off but I am also a person who has socks that are less pretty and those I would have opted for if people had to see them so I wish I had done this ahead of time!

      4. Jasnah*

        Ideally the host should provide the slippers. A couple of pairs of guest slippers should be default for all hosts who require shoes to come off.

    6. HannahS*

      Food and drink being easily available. I always clear off a space and have glasses with a pitcher of water and the kettle with tea bags and sugar + milk handy (I’m from a hot drink culture). Whatever snack I made is also there. That way, people don’t have to go into another room without me to get what they want. When people come in, I tell them what to do: “Hi, please come in! I’ll take your coat. Yes, shoes there are fine. Have a seat! Drinks are on that table; go ahead. How are you? etc.” That way, there’s no awkward standing around.

    7. just trying to help*

      I have usually worked with the idea that the first visit, people are our guests. All subsequent visits, they are family. Show them where things like dishware and glasses are and invite them to help themselves to food and drink if the visit warrants it. Also, point out the bathrooms.

    1. Loopy*

      Are you referring to the game company/Fallout debacle? If so I’ve been following via fiance (who was a fallout fan….) Oof. So sad to see them mess up at every turn and have it get worse (data breach?!?!!) and worse.

      If you mean something else- oops!

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        Yep, that’s what I mean.
        Years of goodwill just…Poof.
        Also to my knowledge even EA never messed up THIS badly so…Congratulations, in a few weeks time you became even worse than EA (although EA still sucks)

        1. Loopy*

          I don’t game but being engaged to a gamer makes me perk up and take notice of reputations for gift buying purposes. When I buy him game gifts in the future this company will be on my blacklist (I never really paid attention to companies but now…I’m going to start!!!)

    2. Torrance*

      It’s been a clusterfudge from start to finish. I’m not a fan of studios pivoting to multiplayer so I’ve been enjoying a bit of schadenfreude, to be honest.

      This has done wonders for The Outer Worlds hype though.

    3. Gingerblue*

      Seriously. How much bad PR can one company possibly rack up in a week? That data breech is hair-raising.

  14. Waiting for the Sun*

    MUSIC THREAD: Christmas songs you’re not sick of yet

    What are some enjoyable Christmas/winter songs that aren’t in heavy rotation this time of year? They can be underplayed carols, or really outstanding versions of common holiday songs that do something fresh with it. Other religious traditions welcome.

    “Fum, Fum, Fum” carol to kick things off.

    1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      Anything that’s not “Winter Wonderland” or that Mariah Carey song, which unfortunately seems to have become a standard. Both songs make me want to set my hair on fire. “Winter Wonderland” just has such a droning melody. I’ve been pretty fortunate and haven’t heard many others over and over, yet, besides those two.

      1. Brightlights*

        “All I Want For Christmas Is the Black Parade” is a good mash-up to make you smile, if you’re an alt-rock fan who hasn’t heard that yet.

    2. Laura H.*

      I like the song “The Gift” by Aselin Denison.

      Also you can’t go wrong with some Bing Crosby, Nat King Cole, and Frank Sinatra. (But those are more typical/ standard so they don’t exactly fit your question)

      And I don’t care for that Mariah Carey song either. I like the covers I’ve heard a little better in the past years.

    3. J9*

      I LOVE Springsteen’s Santa Claus is Coming to Town. And Bing Crosby/David Bowies’s Little Drummer Boy is pretty amazing too.

      1. kc89*

        a lot of people hate her style of music fair warning, but if you haven’t listened yet you might want to listen to zooey deschanel’s version of silver bells

        makes me feel like I’m in an vintage holiday movie from the seventies set in los angeles in the best way possible lol

    5. Auntie Social*

      Patapan–don’t hear that a lot and the tempo is nice. For something slower, Mel Torme’ Christmas Song. For something trashier, Santa Baby–only Eartha will do.

    6. Amberlyn*

      I really enjoy “Candlelight Carol” and “Star of Bethlehem.” Also, “Lonely Pup” by Adam Faith is adorable.

    7. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      I always like “Carol of the Bells” and it seems to be a less commonly played song.

      1. WellRed*

        Love “Carol of the Bells,” especially a full-on choir version. Also love “Christmas Eve in Sarajevo” which is basically an amped up musical version.

      2. Wishing You Well*

        I love “Carol of the Bells”, but my S/O thinks the melody is aggressive/threatening, as in “Gonna, gonna, gonna, gonna getcha!”

      2. Brightlights*

        Likewise- I listen to the stage show every year and the narration for Christmas Eve/Sarajevo never fails to make me bawl.

    9. Book Lover*

      Pop culture happy hour did a nice podcast on this last week. I don’t do xmas, but there was a pretty song by the weepies – All that I want.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Aaah not for me.
        I’m glad someone likes it because it sure gets played enough here.

        I’m more about “Bring a torch Jeanette Isabella” and some of old English Wassail tines.

        And Transiberian Orchestre…

    12. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      To actually answer the prompt this time instead of giving a snide response (sorry) — Christmas Festival by Leroy Anderson. As a former high school band geek, I can listen to this spectacular orchestral piece all day.

      1. Reba*

        Oh man, Do You Hear What I Hear is one of my least favorites! I think only Mary Did You Know is worse to me.

        What does it say about me that it’s easier to think of the ones I dislike than ones I like? ;)

        But I agree that O Holy Night can be lovely. I think I prefer arrangements of that one (and other songs) that are on the simpler side. The melody is beautiful on its own, it doesn’t need to be all swelling strings and children’s choir and reverb!

    14. Rebecca*

      Pretty much anything EXCEPT Holly Jolly Christmas with Burl Ives. Honestly that makes me want to stab someone or myself or something, I loathe it and for the life of me cannot figure out how it ever got recorded.

      2. fposte*

        I’m generally okay with Sleigh Ride, but I heard a cover so freaking annoying this week that I almost left the supermarket to avoid it.

    15. StarHunter*

      Nat King Cole’s “The Christmas Song.” It’s not Christmas until I hear that song. And it’s great it’s part of the music for the original Yule Log so I’m guaranteed to hear it Xmas morning.

    16. Kathryn K*

      It is not Christmas for me until John Berry gets played. He is considered a country artist, but he has the voice of a Christmas angel. He puts different but yet traditional spins on some classics as Let it Snow and Winter Wonderland and also writes his own beautiful Christmas music. In my opinion, he sings the best version O Holy Night ever made. If you don’t have a tear in your eye when he hits the high note at the end, you have no soul! You can find his music on Amazon and You Tube. Enjoy and Merry Christmas!

      1. TurtleIScream*

        John Berry’s Christmas album is my favorite!

        My tastes run more traditional/religious. Nicole C Mullen is another of my favorites.

        But my absolute favorite Christmas song performance of all time is Andrea Bocelli with Mary J. Blige on “What Child is This?”

    17. WellRed*

      At ( ) this week we played “name that christmas song.” A lyric or two was read out and we called out titles. I generally hate games but this was ridiculously fun. Of course, it works best with a small group, but I recommend it if you ever get tasked with any planning. I didn’t win, but made a good showing ; )

      1. Waiting for the Sun*

        Sounds like fun. I ‘ve been jotting down bits and pieces from the all-Christmas soundtrack to create a trivia game. I have secondary characters, such as a seasick crocodile and Pastor Brown.

    18. Lady Alys*

      Annie Lennox did a Christmas album (“A Christmas Cornucopia”), all of which is great, but the “God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen” track is PHENOMENAL. I have watched the video approximately 1,000,000 times.

      There is a Spotify playlist called “Renaissance Christmas,” put together by David Meindl, that has over 500 pieces in it that runs for 24+ hours. I used to play that on my work computer (former church secretary here) in December. It is also wonderful.

        2. TootsNYC*

          Christmas albums sell; they’re a simple moneymaker

          Also, no work writing the songs, just arranging them.

    19. Kathenus*

      I never seem to get tired of White Christmas by Bing Crosby, Rockin Around the Christmas Tree by Brenda Lee, Feliz Navidad by Jose Feliciano, and I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas by Gayla Peevey. Oh yeah, and Do They Know It’s Christmas by Band Aid.

      1. Femme D'Afrique*

        Oh dear, I LOATHE “Do they know it’s Christmas!” The lyrics (“and there’ll be no snow in Africa this Christmastime”) as well as the song’s general premise… argh. That’s one song that generally makes me feel stabby.

        I’m finding all these different answers really interesting though. And now I simply must find “Dominic the Christmas donkey.” I wonder if it’s anything like “Grandma got run over by a reindeer.” :)

        1. JenC*

          I’m born in Zimbabwe and hate hate hate Do they know it’s Christmas? as well. The absolute freaking worst.

          1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

            Ugh, me too! It’s so patronizing. Not to mention that it does in fact snow in some places in Africa, and plenty of things grow, there are lots of rivers and rain…

            1. sorbus*

              And my Orthodox friends would always point out that Ethiopia, as a majority Orthodox country, doesn’t even celebrate Christmas on December 25th!

              1. Femme D'Afrique*

                Exactly! Which made the “Do they know it’s Christmas” question even more ridiculous and out of touch.

                For some reason, though, the “there will be no snow” line irks me the most. Yeah, it snows in some parts of the *continent* but what does snow have to do with Christmas? And why say “THIS” Christmastime? Was there snow in Ethiopia the previous Christmas? Is the lack of snow adding to their misery? I clearly overthought this song, hating it more each time, so yeah :)

                1. Emily*

                  I don’t know this song (which seems like a good thing, from the way you’re all describing it), but the line about snow does seem weird and patronizing. I grew up in the United States in a place that rarely snows on Christmas and have never had songs (that I know of) written about our lack of snow.

      2. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

        Apparently Africa was used in place of Ethiopia specifically due to lyrics scanning properly – I mean the song was more or less written over night. That bit about snow doesn’t bother me so much, its when Bono belts out about being thankful its someone else and not you that gets me (amongst other god awful lines that are beyond ethnocentric). Its definitely a piece of its time, and I seriously hate Bob Geldof in general, but I do still love the tune- have a used copy on 12″ even!

    20. Girl friday*

      I like, “I Saw Three Ships Come Sailing In;” it throws all the centuries together in one song.

    22. NeverNicky*

      Solstice Bells (Jethro Tull). And my “Christmas/Yule/Solstice) album is The Day Dawn by Boys of the Lough but it’s quite downbeat.

      Santa Claus is Coming to Town by Bruce Springsteen is also a favourite and so is Stop the Cavalry by Jona Lewie.

    24. Sled dog mama*

      Carol of the bells is my favorite real Christmas song always and forever especially in ukranian.
      The one song I never tire of is Weird Al’s “the night santa went crazy” totally not appropriate for children but absolutely hilarious and a good break from regular Christmas music.

    26. Asenath*

      This Christmastide (Jessye’s Carol) – there are several versions on Youtube
      For really obscure ones:
      The Cat Carol (sung by Meryn Cadel; warning – very sad).
      More cheerful:
      At Last I’m Ready for Christmas (Stan Rogers)
      And
      The Sleigh (google it as “The Sleigh (a la Russe)”, which is how it’s listed on the album I have, but I could swear somewhere I heard an Estonian version.

    27. Amber Rose*

      There’s this local band called the Heebee Jeebees and they do acapella versions of God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen and Carol of the Bells that I LOVE.

      Also a big fan of Christmas Canon and Do You Hear What I hear by Transylvanian Orchestra. So pretty.

      Silent Night is my favorite but I’ve yet to hear a recorded version I like that much.

    30. Valancy Snaith*

      I really love Light of the Stable by Emmylou Harris, which I have honestly never heard in any rotation anywhere ever. I also like Hard Candy Christmas by Dolly Parton, which is close enough to a Christmas song for me.

      There was also an album called Christmas Songs released in 2000 that is damn near impossible to find anymore, but it was the best album I’ve ever had. It included the Barenaked Ladies and Sarah McLachlan doing a version of We Three Kings/God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen which was fantastic, Gaudete by the Medieval Babes, Christmas Day by Dido (one of my favourite Christmas songs of all time), and a few others–The Cat Carol, Skating on the River, a really nice version of O Come O Come Emmanuel, etc. It was lovely.

      My Christmas music preference is either Sad Songs or Religious Music with very little anything else. Please Come Home For Christmas by the Eagles, Pretty Paper by Roy Orbison, Silver Bells (melancholy versions only please), and non-flamboyant versions of Adeste Fideles are my favourites.

      I also really like non-English Christmas music! Most of the time it has the same Christmas-y feel as Christmas music without feeling so tired and overdone. There are some highly entertaining playlists on Spotify and Youtube.

      1. Reba*

        Yes, I love sad-sounding wintry holiday songs, too!

        Last year I got into Carol of the Birds (El cant dels ocells), an old Catalan song made famous by Pau Casals, and there are several versions recorded (including Joan Baez, though that’s not my favorite).

    31. kc89*

      I love Kelly Clarkson’s christmas album, the original tracks are great (normally I prefer the classics)

    32. Waiting for the Sun*

      Figured we’d have some “Anything but ___” responses :-) Some more I like are:

      “What Child Is This” – I like Ricky Martin’s version.

      “O Little Town of Bethlehem”

      Barenaked Ladies and Sarah McLachlan’s version of “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen “

      “Go Tell It On The Mountain”

      “Wait for the Wagon”

    33. Middle School Teacher*

      The Barenaked Ladies/Sarah McLachlan version of God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen. I’m also a classical / choral person so Lo How a Rose E’re Blooming and Handel’s Messiah (yes I know it wasn’t originally Christmas). I grew up catholic so I have a soft spot for more religious music. Hark the Herald Angels and all that. A french song called Il est né le divin enfant. Older Christmas music. I don’t really get into the more pop Christmas music, although I admit I love that Mariah Carey song :p

      1. Dara*

        Seconding the God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen version!

        I also love anything by TSO and the John Denver and the Muppets Christmas album. I grew up listening to that last one every year on LP.

      2. CanadaTag*

        Oooh, I’m actually fond of Il est né, le divin enfant – maybe because it was a song that we listened to a lot (and sang in choir) when I was in French Immersion.

    34. Waiting for the Sun*

      Not Christmas related, but I want to note that today, December 8, is important in rock music history. Jim Morrison was born in 1943 and John Lennon was murdered in 1980.
      Rest in Power.

    35. LCL*

      Drop kick Murphys-The Season’s upon us.
      Father Christmas-the Kinks
      A Fairytale of New York by the Pogues.

    36. Elizabeth West*

      I’m sick of all of them. I got permanently turned off from skating for fifteen years and having to listen to Christmas songs from about Halloween on, thanks to people choosing program music early for the Christmas ice show.

    37. vonlowe*

      I often sung the Hallelujah chorus by Messiah in school for Christmas concerts.

      My favourite Xmas song (merry Xmas everybody by Slade) doesn’t played much on radio until really close to the day.

      One that gets played a lot is last Christmas by wham so BBC radio 1 take part in wham-addegeon and warn people when they are going to play the song so you don’t have to listen to it if you want to stay in the game.

      1. Jingle*

        I was out on 1st December this year – blooming YouTube’s Christmas recommendations playlist STARTS with it!!

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        I got Whammed at the mall last weekend.
        Haven’t been Drummed out of the drummer boy challenge yet though.

    38. Kendra*

      I love the silly ones!
      “I want a Hippopotamus for Christmas”
      “Dominic the Donkey”
      “Feliz Navidad” (although it’s not that silly, I like songs that mix languages).

      I also like “Still, Still, Still” and the Mannheim Steamroller version of anything.

    39. Damn it, Hardison!*

      The Phil Spector Christmas album and Wham’s Last Christmas. My tastes are…..unconventional.

    41. Torrance*

      I’ve been listening to Peter Hollens a lot– Grown Up Christmas List is my favourite but, because I’m a fan of his, I can even listen to his more religious Christmas songs and enjoy them.

      And I always have to mention The Christians & The Pagans by Dar Williams; as the sole pagan in a family of Christians, it’s probably the most heartwarming holiday song I know.

    42. Small-town dr*

      White Wine in the Sun by Tomorrow Michin. Best athiest Christmas song ever. And The Hanakah Song by Adam Sandler. As long as I don’t have to hear The Little Drummer Boy I’m ok.

    43. CanadaTag*

      To me, it’s not Christmas until I listen to Boney M’s The 20 Greatest Christmas Songs, especially Zion’s Daughter, because that was the album my aunt always had playing when we went over there for Christmas Eve (a tradition until I was well into my twenties).

      The Latin full version of Adeste Fideles. I can remember the first two verses, but always have problems remembering the whole of the third – and the versions that are on the radio and most pop-rock-type albums generally have only the first verse in Latin. (*pouts*)

      Will have to check out that White Wine in the Sun song!

    44. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      I hate them all! ;-)

      Actually, living in the UK I now get a completely different set of songs to get sick of. It would be a bit of a novelty to hear a fun cover of something like Rudolph. I used to enjoy the silly holiday songs and covers, like the Squirrel Nut Zippers version of Sleigh Ride or Grandma got run over by a Reindeer.

      I would love to hear seasonal songs from other regions or religions as appropriate though!

    45. Merci Dee*

      I love “Fum, Fum, Fum”! We sang that in college choir one year, and my best friend and I still text each other the lyrics every December, even 18 years later. Along with “The 7 Joys of Mary” lyrics.

      So, I also love Charlotte Church’s version of “The Angel Gabriel”, because she’s only accompanied by a harp. Simple and beautiful.

      “In the Bleak Midwinter”, arranged by Gustav Holst, is lovely. There’s a particular version for choir with an absolutely beautiful piano accompaniment, but I can’t find a video with that particular arrangement.

      I’ve been singing “Somewhere in My Memory” for the past 4 days.

      “A Baby Changes Everything” by Faith Hill is so pretty, too.

      There’s more, but I can’t think of them.

      1. Middle School Teacher*

        Oh yes, I forgot The Angel Gabriel! Did that in choir one year; I remember struggling with it. But it’s so beautiful. Benjamin Britten also has some lovely choral Christmas pieces.

        If you like Holst, you might enjoy is arrangement of Let All Mortal Flesh Keep Silence. It’s incredible.

    46. Snow Drift*

      I never get sick of Somewhere In My Memory. I think people forget about it because it’s a soundtrack song.

    48. Deep Purple Dream*

      My must listen to every year is John Michael Talbot’s Advent Suite.
      People at work are playing Whamageddon. So, far a George Michael free season.

    49. Gingerblue*

      Steeleye Span’s album “Winter” has become one of my favorites in recent years, and the album “A Victorian Christmas Revels”. Both have some refreshingly different material on them, and some really nice renditions of familiar songs (including Steeleye Span’s breakneck “King Wenceslaus”). “Winter” gets beyond strictly Christmas music; one of my favorites on it is “Unconquered Sun.” The Victorian Revels is mostly Christmas, but also includes some non-holiday Victorian popular pieces. I will say that their “Twelve Days of Christmas” is stab-inspiring.

      I have a soft spot for the Cherry Tree Carol, which is both pretty and has a touch of humor to it. All the renditions I can think of are from the 60’s, and it seems to have largely fallen off the map after that.

      Christmas-adjacent: if you Youtube “Tempus Adest Floridum”, you’ll get a really pretty medieval Latin carol about the coming of spring (the title means “The time of flowers is here”), set to the same music we now know as “King Wenceslaus.”

      Heather Dale’s album “This Endris Night” has some nice things on it, including a mashup of King Wenceslaus and the aforementioned spring carol.

      Also, my local radio station has played this every year since I can remember: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DD34J0uO5QU

    50. Waiting for the Sun*

      You won’t hear it on a “listen at w*rk” radio station, unless you w*rk someplace much cooler than I ever have, but the Sex Pistols’ version of “Jingle Bells” riotous fun. A tonic for too much saccharine pop.

    53. Smarty Boots*

      Anything on the Bruce Cockburn Christmas album. Really, any of the songs. Listen to the whole album, that’s even better.

    54. Because no one needs to know how I relax*

      haha, Cheech and Chong, Santa and His Old Lady. Not a song, but fun. Especially if you’re, um, loose.

  15. annakarina1*

    What have been people’s favorite films this year? I usually like compiling a list of new films I saw in theaters or streaming, and these are my top ten choices:

    Let the Sunshine In, directed by Claire Denis: A fun and light French romantic comedy about a middle-aged woman trying to find love and facing frustrating disappointments in screwball situations.

    Sorry to Bother You, directed by Boots Riley: A darkly satirical look at race relations, assimilation, big business, labor unions, and corporations in a sci-fi world of heightened reality a la Michel Gondry.

    Disobedience, directed by Sebastian Lelio: An intimate drama about grief and complicated love relationships among the tight-knit Orthodox Jewish community of London, with standout performances by Rachel Weisz, Rachel McAdams, and Alessandro Nivola.

    You Were Never Really Here, directed by Lynne Ramsay: A stark indie film in which the hero (Joaquin Phoenix) carries out solo rescue missions as a mercenary through brute violence while struggling with PTSD and trauma. A fantastic film that says so much more through dialogue-free scenes thanks to its blunt editing style.

    The Favourite, directed by Yorgos Lanthimos: A fun costume comedy-drama about women rivaling each other for power and favoritism from the Queen, shot in fish-eye lens a la 90’s Busta Rhymes videos, with fantastic performances by Rachel Weisz, Emma Stone, and Olivia Colman.

    Shoplifters, directed by Hirokazu Kore-eda: A bittersweet Japanese family drama about a family of thieves and con artists supporting one another while living under deceptions and running various schemes. It’s a warm and touching character drama about likable and complicated people.

    Widows, directed by Steve McQueen: A solid heist thriller with a lot of layered characters, exciting pacing, and a series of complicated women trying to pull off a heist while juggling real-life responsibilities, like their jobs and kids. The filmmaking style reminded me of Michael Mann’s Heat at times, as a heist film with great actors, some really creative camera work, and deep character studies.

    A Quiet Place, directed by John Krasinski: A fantastic suspense thriller with a very effective use of both sound and the lack of sound, and it was eerily quiet in the theater when I saw it. I found it totally captivating, and an immersive experience.

    Private Life, directed by Tamara Jenkins: A really heartfelt and intimate drama about a longtime couple struggling with fertility issues, and the pressure that it takes on their relationships with each other and their families. I really dug this film a lot, and felt a lot of well-worn warmth with the characters, especially the leads by Kathryn Hahn and Paul Giamiatti.

    The Bookshop, directed by Isabel Coixet: A quiet little British drama about a 1950s widow (Emily Mortimer), who opens a bookshop in a seaside village, and faces a lot of unnecessary pushback by residents who are resistant to change. I adored this little film, and especially loved her pen-pal friendship with the town recluse (Bill Nighy), a solitary old man who adores Ray Bradbury novels and specifically requests them from the bookshop.

    1. Anona*

      I enjoyed black panther! It was cool that it was so ground breaking. And I saw it opening weekend, which was a great experience.

      1. Annie Moose*

        Ahhh, me too! It was awesome. So many people were there and everyone was so excited for it! I went by myself, but everyone was so happy to be there that it was like we were all friends immediately. Honestly one of the best movie experiences of my life.

      2. annakarina1*

        I liked it a lot too! I also saw it opening weekend. It didn’t stick with me enough to be a favorite, but I’d put it in honorable mentions.

      3. anon today and tomorrow*

        Same. I’ve seen it three times already and I’ll probably see it a few more times before it leaves theatres.

        It wasn’t a perfect movie, but it’s the one that touched me the most and made me remember why I love music. Also it doesn’t hurt that Queen is one of my favorite bands and that Rami Malek has been one of my favorite actors since I saw him in The Pacific back in 2010. I’m so glad they cast him as Freddie (10 years ago Hollywood totally would have cast a white dude to play Freddie and would have never even considered showing his sexuality seriously).

    3. Koala dreams*

      I would like to see The Bookshop.

      Best films I have actually seen:
      Coco (not new!)
      The Raft – documentary of a weird scientific experiment in the 70s, very well dramatized and great music/sound
      Isle of Dogs – animated drama where dogs and humans fight against the evil humans (and cats) who want the dogs gone. Weird and cute and dramatic!

      1. Deep Purple Dream*

        Agreed. A good ol’ rom-com where the unsuitable “girl” is an economics professor. I laughed, I cried, I felt it did the book justice.

        I also enjoyed Black Panther and Bohemian Rhapsody. I enjoy going to see Fathom Events re-releases of older films.

    5. sorbus*

      Ruben Brandt, Collector was one of my favorite films of the year. Unfortunately it was a very limited run, just for awards season eligibility, but I think it will go into wide release sometime next year.

      It’s a Hungarian made animated film with a very unique cubist visual style about a psychiatrist who is tormented by nightmares of famous artworks and how his patients plan many elaborate art heists to help him out.

      1. sorbus*

        Oh! I also forgot Can You Ever Forgive Me, my other favorite film of the year. Really loved Melissa McCarthy’s performance and also nearly everything else about it.

    6. anon today and tomorrow*

      Bohemian Rhapsody is the standout for me. I’ve cried every single time I’ve seen it, and it’s stuck with me more and more each time. It’s not a perfect movie and definitely has some flaws, and I really wish it had been a miniseries (there’s so much I wanted to see!), but I think it was a great love letter to Queen and Freddie’s musical legacy. BoRhap had a hard job of condensing 20 years into two and a half hours and delving into the life of someone who tried to keep his personal life private and didn’t want to be the poster boy for any causes, but they managed to put a bit of everything in for all the different types of audiences, and they cast it perfectly. It’s definitely going to be the movie from 2018 that I rewatch the most. I want Rami Malek to win all the awards for this movie.

      Aside from that, I also cried my eyes out at Love, Simon because I’ve been waiting years for a LGBT romcom and would have loved this movie when I was growing up. I had to leave the theatre I was sobbing so hard during the scene where Simon talks to his parents about his sexuality, and then again at the end because it’s so, so, SO nice to see a happy ending for a queer couple where the biggest drama in the film is something you’d have in any straight romcom.

      I also liked Colette and how it played with sexuality and gender conventions. It doesn’t hurt that Keira Knightly kissing other women is all I’ve ever wanted from a movie. She’s the reason I figured out I was bisexual way back when the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie came out.

      It was a really good year for LGBTQA+ movies, and I’m glad we’re inching towards the point where we can have LGBTQA+ movies that aren’t made for straight people instead of LGBTQA+ people or aren’t depressing tragedies.

      1. Forking great username*

        +1 to Love, Simon! I teach HS lit, so I pay special attention to ya novels/movies, and I thought it was really well done!

        1. anon today and tomorrow*

          I’ve been reading so much YA over the past year because it’s so inclusive in a way that literature aimed at adults often isn’t. Sometimes all I really want is to read/watch happy endings for people who don’t usually get happy endings because society thinks their stories only hold weight if they’re serious and tragic/bittersweet.

          1. Julia*

            Thank you for expressing (and explaining to me lol) why I like YA so much! And I agree, Love, Simon was a lovely movie.

    8. kc89*

      I was hoping to love the favourite but the queen grossed me out (I did feel bad for her after hearing what she went through, but hated her personality) and I’m not sure I really got the ending. Great acting, though

      my faves were a star is born, crazy rich asians, and love simon

    9. Elizabeth West*

      Some I liked include:
      Rented/streamed:
      –A Quiet Place
      –Rememory
      –The Killing of a Sacred Deer (I’m not sure I liked this one; it was very weird)
      –Call Me By Your Name (2017 but I saw it this year)

      Saw at cinema:
      –Black Panther
      –Infinity War (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
      –Ant-Man and the Wasp
      –Deadpool 2 (on my birthday; I laughed so hard at this I literally cried)
      –Won’t You Be My Neighbor? (sob)
      –Three Identical Brothers
      –Overlord (advance screening before it came out)
      –Hereditary
      –Strait-Jacket (an old one with Joan Crawford that Alamo Drafthouse screened as a freebie for Victory Club members; I had never seen it; it was awesome)

      Three Identical Brothers made me cry and also pissed me off ROYALLY. It’s a documentary about triplets who were separated at birth; I vaguely remember when they became famous. I think it’s on streaming now.

      I went to the cinema a lot more than I usually do. :)

    10. Anchorage*

      To all the boys I’ve loved before. Netflix. I think the word that sums it up best is “delightful.” Oh, and the RBG documentary. Actually saw that at the theater. On my birthday. :)

    11. Bluebell*

      I’m not sure if I made it to ten movies in the theater but here’s what stood out:
      RBG – loved it
      Crazy Rich Asians- not quite as enjoyable as the book but still awesome
      Infinity War- silly but fun
      A Star is Born
      Shape of Water- saw it New Years Day.

    12. Waiting for the Sun*

      Bohemian Rhapsody, A Star Is Born, Crazy Rich Asians, Sorry To Bother You.

      I didn’t see Widows or Can You Ever Forgive Me, but heard good things about them.

  16. Laura H.*

    Kittys tosies are so cuuute.

    Off to the thing that’s not discussed on weekends for me today.

    Also (and gosh I better not jynx it) I think my writers block is FINALLY abating. I’ve missed putting hours into my fics and actually seeing results.

    1. MissDisplaced*

      Kitty toes = adorable!
      Truly, the mechanics of cats in general are fascinating.
      I used to have a kitty who enjoyed ‘holding paws’ with me. He’d doze off that way and seemed to enjoy the contact.

  17. The Other Dawn*

    This is just a little rant because I feel like it.

    Why do cable companies continue to sell products they no longer offer, or rather that installers no longer install because the product sucks?

    I bought a smart TV during the Cyber Monday sale, a Toshiba 32 inch. My plan was to use it in the upstairs bedroom to stream cable (Xfinity). I didn’t want to run a cable box, because my house is 280 years old, which means a lot of work and running the wiring pretty far, plus drilling through very thick petrified wood. For probably three years now I’ve been checking with Xfinity to see if their wireless set top boxes are available in my area. I’ve been told no every time, and they don’t know when they’ll be available. So that’s why I got a smart TV, my first one.

    I set the TV up, connect to the internet and then try to install the Xfinity streaming app…and it’s not compatible with the TV. The reason being is that the app needs Adobe Flash Player to run, and Flash Player isn’t compatible with the TV. Of course. I was going to return the TV, but that’s a pain so I thought maybe I’ll put it in another room and get an antenna or something, for guests, and then get another one that’s compatible. Sister suggested checking for the wireless boxes one more time, so I did–and they now have them in my area! I made the appointment for them to come out.

    Install day arrives and the installer calls to say there’s a cancellation and he can come two hours early. Awesome! BUT. Wireless boxes are no longer being installed, and he’s not even able to get one. Hmm, OK. Offers to come anyway and check out the house to see if he can run wiring. When he gets here he says that installers can’t get the boxes anymore, and they’ve been removing them from people’s houses because they’re so defective. He then checks the house and plans out a wired install. It took him almost three hours between running the wiring and then trying to get all the boxes talking to each other (that was half the time he spent here!). At one point I heard him talking to the service center, telling them that they need to tell the sales people to stop selling the wireless boxes because they no longer install them and it’s misleading people.

    It’s done and I have cable up there, so yay. I’m glad he was able to do the installation, especially because I had to leave work so early to be home for it, but it’s so annoying when companies aren’t on the same page. I’d be more upset if it turned out he couldn’t do the install, though.

    1. HBucket*

      Just another rant about cable companies…. when we finally got cable (I put it off as long as i could), the set up didn’t go well. Very long story short, I finally got my friend who works for the competitor to troubleshoot it and he did in 15 mins what my cable company hadn’t done in two days…. Ugh.

    2. Lady Alys*

      It isn’t just cable companies – AT&T used to send us weekly (or it seemed like it…) letters saying we could now sign up for their premium DSL service, yay! Except EVERY TIME I called, it was more like, “oh….yeah….we’re not *actually* in your neighborhood yet….” Oh it made me so mad. I can’t believe I’m even typing these words, but MediaCom was infinitely easier to work with when we eventually gave up on DSL and switched to cable.

      2. BunnyWatsonToo*

        Or companies that send their subscribers offers of special rates and/or faster speeds — that turn out not to be for current subscribers.

        1. HBucket*

          When they tell us that offers are only for new subscribers we say, okay we’d like to cancel. They have always given us the better rate. Try that!!

        2. Smarty Boots*

          Or, when a certain company comes around to sell a dish service to work with our existing wireless and phone service, great deal and lots of additional channels, the installer arrives a few days later and stands by his truck laughing…because we have so many trees there is no place to get a clear signal (insert eye roll emoji here). The installer was nice, called the company and yelled at them for us.

      3. Asenath*

        When I moved, it took a couple visits to get cable set up because the company didn’t know that my building wasn’t wired with fibre op, but with copper, so they gave the tech the wrong information and equipment. Of course, they have other customers in the building, and an online app showing what features they have available where, but somehow didn’t connect the dots.

      4. strangebuttrue*

        Verizon did this for years where I live when Fios hit the market. Don’t know how long before they put fiber optics in the neighborhood. The only reason I have the fiber optics now is because they are no longer supporting the copper and I would have lost my landline.

    3. strangebuttrue*

      I have Xfinity and it’s even current equipment. My box that I had had since they converted everyone to boxes died. I took it to one of their stores and exchanged it. The new box did not work. Went back and swapped it out. They gave me the voice controlled remote one which I did not want. So this time I told them to send out an installer. Interesting conversation. Apparently they are not making new boxes (at least not the one I got). They just refurbish and reuse the ones that are returned. Also he left me with an extra power cord as apparently they go bad faster then the box.

    4. Elizabeth West*

      UGH. That makes me mad. AT&T did that with U-verse; they kept promising it would come into my neighborhood and that was just lies. Glad to be shut of them.

      I cut the cord when they bought DirecTV and went back to Mediacom for internet only, and both my TVs have Rokus. My smart TV is sort of dumb and slow with wireless.

      Someone might have hacked my old router, because I had an enormous overage charge and when we checked, there was a HUGE surge in downloading for two days on the first weekend in November. Well, that was the beginning of NaNoWriMo, and there is NO WAY it was me, because I barely had the TV on all month. Mediacom gave me a new XStream modem with a router built in. I got put in at a lower new-customer price for a year–hopefully by the time this pricing expires, I’ll be out of here.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        My computer guy husband says that many wifi routers had huge vulnerabilities exploited this year, so hopefully your cable company didn’t charge you for that upgrade.
        It’s way past neighbors figuring out your Wi-Fi password by the way–now it’s hackers from overseas. (Why yes, Russia is on the list.) He’s heard of someone who had a terabyte downloaded on his data plan before it was discovered.
        (Great coverage on Ars Technica by the way, search on router.)

    5. Rebecca (I am still Furious!!)*

      When I moved from my friend’s house to my Mom’s, I took my Xfinity service with me. I had the package for 11 months, having signed on for a 24 month deal. I arranged the move, thought I’d have the same channels on Sunday as I had the day before…NOPE!! I called that same afternoon, after the tech left, because I was blocked from certain channels. Customer service told me that package expired, you have to pay more to watch the same 3 channels you had before…and all these other channels that you don’t watch? Sorry, you get those too. So, I had signed up for a 24 month deal, that if I canceled prior to that, they would charge me a fee for each month early, but THEY canceled it instead and stuck me with a bigger monthly bill. I am not happy with them at all.

      Now that I’m more settled, I’m going to look into other options. I know Verizon pretty much bites, but Mom has it for her phone service. If they have a decent TV service, I may just cancel Xfinity all together.

    6. C*

      You can get a roku stick to stream Xfinity wirelessly. No cablebox required. Too late if they already ran the wires though.

  18. SigneL*

    I got my husband a Christmas gift that I hope he will like – a kit to keep in the car in case we ever get stranded in bad weather. What did you get that you think was a great gift (I need ideas for next year!)

    1. Laura H.*

      I think that’s a great gift.

      I usually get my mom a pair of the corded Apple earbuds- because she uses hers and wears them out- and it’s a nice thing for her to have a pair on hand, so that when they go kaput, she’s not left without a set.

      Gift cards are always nice but ymmv on that one.

      1. SigneL*

        yes, I give our (adult) kids gift cards – since they live far away, we have no idea what they really need, and frankly, it’s very hard for me to mail packages, although if I see something online that I can have shipped, that works.

        I buy my own presents (the first year we were married, in 1983, husband bought me potholders – “we need potholders!”) – so ever since I have purchased my own gift, which is more lavish than something he would get for me. I do let him wrap it, however.

    2. Red Reader*

      In past years, practical gifts have included a battery pack like a USB backup, that also had a special attachment that was jumper cables so one could jump a car from the battery pack. It takes about half the pack’s full charge to jump my SUV, but you don’t have to look for someone with a car and cables and then maneuver the cars into alignment and all that jazz; upon finding my battery dead it was literally two minutes to get the pack set and get the engine going. Plus it has a USB port and can be used to charge a phone or whatnot too. (Disclaimer: my housemate tried to use hers to jump when her battery wasn’t actually dead, the problem in her car was the starter/alternator, and trying to jump a non-dead battery actually damaged the pack to death. So be careful.)

      2. TootsNYC*

        I -just this very day- ordered one of those for my aunt. I hope I got an OK brand!

        I also ordered one of those cone windshield scrapers to go with it.

    3. Anona*

      I love fuzzy Wicked Good slippers from llbean. They’re pricey for slippers but well made and sooo fuzzy.

      I’d like to get my husband a chain mail scrubber for our cast iron pans. Super useful and cool!

      1. fposte*

        Oh, the Wicked Good slippers are the best. I bought a new pair the day *after* the 25% off sale; I was bitter, but I still bought.

      2. The Other Dawn*

        Yes, I love these slippers! My husband and I each have a pair and we love them. Very warm, comfy and also good when you need to run outside to grab wood or bring the garbage out.

    4. Lady Alys*

      My husband travels occasionally, so this year I got him a little leather valet to keep in his suitcase – it lies flat but the corners snap up to make a little shallow tray to hold keys/hotel card/phone. Bonus – made by a local crafty guy. For other ideas, if you have hours to kill and don’t mind wandering down a rabbit hole, just Google “everyday carry” or “EDC” and you will find ideas galore. I’ve been getting my (semi-adult) kids keychain tools for the past few years.

    5. Sled dog mama*

      My mom is clearing/cleaning a lot of the stuff that my siblings and I left there, in October she brought us each a portfolio of our artwork and told us to pick which one we want her to frame for Christmas ( I love this gift)
      We recently switched from an electric stove to gas (2years ago) and have realized that our pans are a little light for the gas. So i got hubby a nice pan that I found half off, i know it’s something he wanted but totally couldn’t justify spending the money on full price. We’re also more on the get me something practical that I want with out gifts. I asked for everyone to get me flower bulbs for Christmas to landscape around our house.

    6. JxB*

      My family is so hard to buy for. Struggling with ideas for my adult children. One thing will be gift cards for Uber. They both use that car service when out for festive evenings, and I like the idea of a specific gift card/service I know they will use rather than something more generic like a Visa or Amazon gift card.

      1. Arjay*

        My mom got me a AAA membership for Christmas every year from the time I got my driver’s license until she passed away. She always felt better knowing that I’d be safer on the road, and it got me out of a lot of jams. I renew it myself now, and I get a little teary-eyed every time, remembering her.

    7. Jack be Nimble*

      I replaced our (crummy) pots and pans with a nicer set! Right now, we have castoffs from former roommates, so it’ll be nice to have nice, new pieces!

      1. AnotherAlison*

        Ha! I was going to write the same thing. I have been married 20 yrs, and my original service was done. My sister bought me a new set for my birthday. Best gift ever.

    8. Wishing You Well*

      One gift that was and is still very useful is a kid-sized folding table. Not only was it WONDERFUL for the little kids, but it’s still useful at tax time or any time a lot of papers have to be spread out. The small size is really convenient.

    9. Detective Amy Santiago*

      The most useful gift I have ever given was a small shovel to keep in the trunk of a car. My best friend lives in BC and nearly got stuck at work one day a month or so before Christmas 3 or 4 years ago, so I went on Amazon and found one. She uses it all the time.

    10. LizB*

      I just finished up my shopping, and my proudest find was a set of pens for my aunt that let you write your name on your wine glass (or any other drinking glass) and then wash it off easily after. She loves to host dinner parties, game nights, etc. and I’m hoping this will make that easier and more fun if everyone can label/decorate their glasses.

    11. Lcsa99*

      I think my favorite of the gifts I’ve put together for my husband was the year I got him a bunch of vinyl records. I didn’t want to make it obvious when he looked under the tree, so I got the same amount of mini records off etsy (I think they were supposed to be greeting cards or something), then I printed the images of the covers for the albums I actually got him so they looked like tiny versions of the records, and wrote notes on the mini card albums telling him where to find them (I’m under the bed, I’m in the hall closet, etc) so he spent the morning giggling and looking all over the apartment. It was pretty awesome.

    13. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Im getting Other Half something to start the grill faster/easier like a Looftlighter or a charcoal chimney. Also, some grill gloves.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        I asked for hearing-protection with Bluetooth & AM/FM in it. I like yardwork & snowblowing, but not having my ears ring after running the mower. Add audiobooks and I’ll be able to work longer at one time. (We have a long driveway!)

        The cook suggests a diamond stone knife sharpener.

        My 7th grader suggests one of the faux fur jackets that is as soft as a Ty Baby stuffie. I giggled and called it a Muppet coat and she says she’d wear it anyway.

        All of us say books books books!

    14. JewelryLover*

      I got my husband a seat heater for his car (my car has heated seats, his doesn’t, and it’s really nice at -40).

      I gift most of the adults in my life food baskets. I buy my dad really expensive blue cheese, I buy my brother and his wife a variety of things so they have a “date night” with my gift.

      This year, everyone’s present is going to be a little less – I decided that everyone is giving chickens through Heifer International with me.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Project Night-Night is a good charity gift if you’re going that route.
        They give comfort tote bags to kids in foster care and homeless shelters– each with a book & a stuffie. So many of these kids have had to leave everything behind, or have no way to carry what little they do have.

    15. Loopy*

      I just got my very first experience gift and I’m over the moon with it. Fiance got me VIP tickets to see Lindsey Stirling Dec 22 after I made a comment about how I’d love to see her but was shocked at the ticket prices and decided this just wasn’t the year to splurge. AND I never would have splurged on the VIP experience. I highly recommend tickets to something, especially if you can afford an upgrade they’d never get themselves.

      I’m not worried about not opening anything on Xmas morning at all. I think I’ll still be over the moon from the concert experience.

    16. Lemon Whirl*

      I’m getting flashlights for our stockings – because with an 8-year old in the house, we can never manage to put our hands on a flashlight when we need one!

      I got my husband tickets to a comedy group he loves, so I’m looking forward to surprising him, because he thinks that his present is tickets to see a band with our kid. (He’s getting those tickets as well, but he’s very particular about seats for rock shows, so I needed to check with him before I bought them.)

      I also got some expansion packs for a game we enjoy – he doesn’t know about those either.

  19. Jeff has two tvs*

    US Colleges for introverts – what worked for other introverts -big college with lots of groups, or smaller colleges where participation is more encouraged?a

    1. Dear liza dear liza*

      I was very shy at 18 and a small liberal arts college was ideal for me. Lots of community support, lots of opportunities and encouragement to socialize. Even as a freshman I had a single room, so I could get away as needed. I think in a big university it would’ve been too easy to stay in my room and never go out.

    2. MeganTea*

      For me, small college was better for my bachelor’s. Small class sizes (even for 101s), easier to get to know people due to running into the same people in classes/dorms/cafeteria.
      For my master’s, I went to a big R1, but the program itself was rather small, so it was easy to get to know everyone and feel comfortable in the program.

    3. Doc in a Box*

      I went to my state’s flagship university, but lived in a residential college, where we had theme movie nights and semesterly banquets and our own dining room in the dining hall. It was a great balance between a small and welcome community of quirks and weirdos, while also having the educational might and research resources of a large public R1.

      1. Luisa*

        I also chose a residential college within a huge state school, but in retrospect I wish I would have explored more small-school options. I think the problem in my case boiled down to hyper-competitive majors within the residential college, so even though there were lots of activities and opportunities to engage with that (relatively) smaller group within the huge university community, it never really had the relaxed, welcoming community atmosphere I’d hoped for. I felt like I was always “on.”

    4. Epsilon Delta*

      I was painfully shy at 18, and I went to a big state college. I loved it, and made some good friends there who I still consider close today. It helped that I also had a few friends from high school going to the same college (although I didn’t spend a lot of time with them after the first two years).

    5. PlatypusOo*

      I am a parent not a student (but for sure I am an introvert). We just visited Grinnell and despite the fact that it’s a small school in a small town it seemed like it could work out for introverts and extroverts both.

    6. Emily*

      I really liked my (less than 1000 students) liberal arts college – the size gave me some great opportunities to get to know professors and other students, and participate in campus activities and academic opportunities that probably would have been available but harder to find at a bigger school.

      That said, I had a lot of friends go to my state’s flagship university, and I think they were happy with their choice as well. As far as I can tell, most of them found friends in smaller groups within the larger university, through things like shared hobbies and majors.

    8. LondonBridges*

      Currently enrolled at a smaller liberal arts school, and I’m fairly happy with it. I’m getting a lot of opportunities outside of my major that I likely wouldn’t at a larger school (scholarship for playing bassoon! paid work in the theatre costume shop! chill sports!), and having smaller class sizes is great for really getting to know professors and making friends with the other students who ended up with a similar schedule. I’m seconding dear liza, if I was at a giant school, I would have just burrowed into my room and never come out. If you’re currently looking at schools, keep an eye on what kind of food options there are very close to small campuses. All the outside food options on our campus now are being bought out by the company that runs the cafeteria, so to escape the caf food you pretty much have to have a car or spend the delivery fees from UberEats or GrubHub.

    9. Not So NewReader*

      I went to tiny branch of Big State U. I loved it there. The largest classes were about 50 people and that was only the first day. We had less and less each time we met.
      From there I went to a community college to finish my associates and that CC was the best of the three colleges I attended. What made it great was they taught things I was actually going to use in real life/real work. This CC enjoyed a great reputation with 4 year colleges because they made the students work for their grades and it showed in the individual student. When I went there it was a fairly small campus, it has now tripled in size. So the experience now might be different.
      The common thread was classes were pretty small and I could meet friends and learn people’s names. I always had study partners for the difficult courses.
      But with the second school, I also changed something else I was doing. I went to bed at 11 pm every night without fail. No more all-nighters. I learned something, even though I had not review the material for the test to suit my own standards, but by having enough rest I was able to piece together the correct answer out of the materials I did cover. The rest helped my mind to function and my average test was 10 points higher than at the previous school. Introverts absolutely must have their rest.

    10. gecko*

      You could absolutely go either way. If you’re a city introvert maybe a bigger college would be better—easier to walk around without recognizing anyone; if you’re a suburbs/country introvert maybe a smaller one so there’s less density of other faces.

    11. Hannah*

      I am a vehement introvert, and I attended both kinds of colleges.

      I started out at a small, liberal arts college. I HATED IT. It felt really small and closed in, like I couldn’t be anonymous. The selection of courses was also really small and the good ones were hard to get into. It was also in a location that didn’t allow much off-campus interaction, so I couldn’t really go for a walk to someplace by myself–I had to find someone to give me a ride (I didn’t have my own car). I could never have a break from my friends. I was miserable there.

      Then I transferred to a really big college. I didn’t love it, but I liked it a lot more. I felt more free, more like I was living in the world. I could be very independent and didn’t have to interact with anyone if I didn’t want to. There were huge varieties of courses and activities to do. Lots more choices of classes. It was in a big city so I could go places on my own.

      I had been told by my mother and my high school college counselor that a small college was better for “someone like me” because small colleges give more individual attention (LIES they did no such thing) and I would get lost in the bustle of a big school. I NEED to be lost in the bustle. Otherwise I feel suffocated.

    12. Overeducated*

      I think what matters isn’t the size of the college, it’s finding your people in it. I went to a small college but there were still 2000 people! The factors that did make a difference in an introvert-friendly culture were that there were no fraternities, so campus social life wasn’t as centered on them as at some schools, and there were fairly visible subcultures where I could picture myself. The first part is more common at liberal arts colleges, the second you could look into at any type of school.

    13. noahwynn*

      My only experience is with a smaller college where most classes were 20 students or so. I loved it but it was also similar to my smaller private high school, so it wasn’t a huge change. I like the interaction in smaller classes.

      I think introverts can thrive in either situation. For me, I did much better once I moved to a single room instead of a double. When I had my own space to retreat to I was actually more involved with groups and activities.

    14. Anonomo*

      Ive done both, and I liked my small community college better than the big university. The community school wasnt really better academically, but all the people stayed in the same classes so I got used to them (along w the same 25 staff in my main department) and excelled in my coursework. When I went back to university, I didnt have a single person the same in any two classes so the awkward meeting new people just kept happening. Bonus of the university was having a larger city, which meant I could grab McDs at 3 am or walk places instead of driving everywhere.

    15. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Beyond the college, look into smaller residence hall style dorms. My university had interest theme community housing–international students with students who love travel & language, cultural ones, arts & performance, etc. Many of my friends breathed a sigh of relief when they moved out of the freshman dorms to a place where they knew they had interests in common with their dormmates.

  20. Bicycle?*

    So I’m thinking about buying a bicycle … but I don’t want to spend hundreds of dollars on something I might not use that often (depends on how much I like it when I get started really). Are the bicycles from say Walmart that are about $100 decent bikes? I’m not sure how to tell the quality of a bike and what I want out of it….(I realize besides the bicycle I’ll need a helmet and other supplies for upkeep so I’m thinking about the overall cost and if it’s worth it).

    1. HBucket*

      I would start with one of those. They’re fine, especially for occasional use. If you decide you like it and want to upgrade, you can easily sell the cheap one. I started with a Trek hybrid (about $400) but there’s no reason you can’t get a Walmart special… just make sure it has some gears. Unless you live at the beach or where it’s extremely flat, a cruiser is too much work.

    2. Ranon*

      I would see if there is a local bike shop around you that sells used bikes at your preferred price point. The problem with Walmart bikes is not only the quality, but that they also tend to be put together poorly, so you might wind up hating the experience of riding just because the person who put yours together didn’t know what they were doing. My local shop also lets you test ride so you can get a feel for what you’re buying, so you can try out different features and configurations and see what works for you. They also have free beginner maintenance classes and group rides- basically a whole lot more support than you’ll get from Walmart.

      The other thing to look into is whether there’s a local bike advocacy group near you- they may be able to point you to specific stores and resources in your area that meet your budget but will get you something you’ll actually enjoy riding. That’s where I started when I wanted to start bicycling this year and it was super helpful.

      1. RunnerGirl*

        +1 to Ranon’s comment.

        Used from a local bike shop is your best value. If you have a cycling savvy friend, enlist their help. Bikes are one place where a savvy shopper can really take advantage of our disposable consumer culture. If cared for and not crashed, a bike really doesn’t wear out, though components need replaced from time to time. (My frame is 12 years old and I know several people – good, competitive riders – who are riding Ti frames from the late 90’s)

        $300-500 is a sweet spot for a used bike where you can get something quite good, that is comfortable and will last. If you find a ‘nice’ used bike for $100, chances are high you’ll be throwing a couple of hundred at it in short order replacing worn out components.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        I am agreeing with going to a bike shop. This will give you trained folks who can help you with questions or problems. And they will make sure the bike is set up to fit you. For example, when you push down on the pedal, your leg should be like straight down when the pedal is at the bottom of the rotation. This means adjusting the seat to suit your leg length. Now you can skip this part if you like, and what might happen is that you have to pedal really hard up hill and exhaust yourself quickly. There is no need to exhaust yourself that fast. There are other points that should be adjusted to suit you.

        My husband kept adding to his bike as he rode it more and more. He added a gel seat for his sore/tired butt. He added air horns because of drivers who are oblivious to bicyclists and dogs that chase bikes. He added lights for night time riding. Then he got padded, fingerless gloves as his hands were sore from leaning on the handle bars.As you go along things come up and it’s good to have a place to go for advice and additional accessories. This will help keep you riding.

      3. Washi*

        I agree. I got a Walmart bike, but it was so clunky and heavy that I avoided using it, which defeated the point. My current bike I got from a friend of a friend for free, but I spent around $200 fixing it since it was in pretty bad shape. I use it so much more that it was worth every penny!

    3. Anonyme*

      Read up on helmet fit & accreditation. Do not cheap out. Do not get a hockey or snowboarding helmet. Keep it buckled!

      1. foolofgrace*

        Don’t get a used helmet. They can be in an accident and the cracks are on the inside of the plastic where you can’t see them, and it affects the protectability of the helmet. Not to mention it being on someone else’s sweaty head and hair, ew.

    4. Sapphire*

      If you intend to use it for transportation or commuting, I wouldn’t get a department store bike. Agree with the folks down thread who recommend a used bike from a local shop, they’ll definitely be cheaper than a new bike. You could also see if any friends of yours would lend you a bike so you can try it out.

    5. LilySparrow*

      I did some research and wound up ordering a last-years or 2-yeaes-ago model Diamondback online for about $250. When I took it to my bike shop for tune-up, they mentioned it is a nice bike.

      From what I can see, bikes are like running shoes. The high-end companies bring out a new model every year. So you can find the older models new-in-box at a big discount.

    6. Annie Moose*

      Another benefit of a local bike shop is that good ones can be extremely helpful in helping you pin down what kind of bike you really want/need/fits you. (for example, my sister recently bought a bike, and the bike shop folks got her on a men’s bike because she’s so tall, women’s bikes just don’t fit her. She’d never even thought about that before!) But they are definitely going to be a lot pricier unless you’re buying used.

      So I’d say–start with the cheap bike and see how you like it; if you find you enjoy biking, then go to a local bike shop and see what they have at your price point.

    7. Notthemomma*

      I got one a Walmart bike a few years ago and ended up giving it away- it rode ‘rough’ for me, extra effort to get the brake to engage, not a smooth ride, even after adjustments and a good oiling. This spring I’m going to the local bike shop and get a cheap refurbished; if you’re biking a mile or two the Walmart one will be fine, but more than that it may put you off.

    8. sleepwakehopeandthen*

      I bought a nice used bike from a bike shop for about $100. I use it for daily (short) commuting and running errands, and it is nice to have somewhere to take it for repairs (I’ve had it for 6 years, and I think I’ve had to take it in 3 times, but it gets pretty heavy use).

    9. Trixie*

      I’ve been spoiled by living in areas with wonderful selection of used bike stores but now, not so much. Next time I look for a used a bike, I will check local FB pages and CL. Many times, folks are looking to upgrade and need to unload an often perfectly good bike first.
      I would also see if you can test ride a few bikes to get an idea what size you need. Seat heights and handle bars can be adjusted to an extent to make it perfect.

    10. Bicycle?*

      Thanks everyone! Looks like a visit to a bike shop is in order at some point soon! And don’t worry the helmet is the one thing I would absolutely not goo cheep on (my mother, a nurse who did a rotation or two in ER, would have a fit if she heard of me doing otherwise).

      2. Alice*

        To be honest, a helmet can protect you from skull fractures, but most people who die in bike-car or bike-truck accidents are injured in the trunk as well as or instead of the head.
        I do not mean to discourage you! I just don’t want you to have a false sense of security. Have fun, stay safe – and get a good lock.

    11. Nita*

      Yes, I got a $100 bike from Toys R Us years ago. It was a big one (for teenagers) so I kept using it as an adult. It did the job for commuting around the city, was reliable, and the only things that needed fixing in 10+ years was the tires. Extra bonus – because it wasn’t a fancy bike, I could chain it up anywhere and know it’ll be there when I come back. It did get stolen eventually… no idea who wanted such a beat-up specimen, I guess they needed it more than I did…

      I suppose Walmart has similar basic bikes, but wouldn’t want to pick one online, only in person.

      1. Overeducated*

        I second this. I was pretty happy with a used Wal-Mart mountain bike for a long time, and then upgraded to a next-step-up hybrid from a bike shop after almost 2 years of commuting 7 miles each way because by that time I felt like I could justify the cost. If you might not use it that much, a cheap bike is just fine.

  21. Lcsa99*

    So I have an unusual problem. We have two different cookie presses. One is the standard OXO Good grips cookie press, the other is a Norpro, all stainless steel. Both use the same size discs, but the Norpro is slightly different in that the middle is slightly raised. But since the discs themselves are the same size and the OXO has nicer designs we usually use them interchangeably. The problem is that this year one of the discs got stuck in the Norpro press. It went in as smoothly as it always does but it’s completely jammed in there. Any ideas on now to get it out??? I would really rather not toss the press, since it’s a nice one and the OXO works worse every year.

    HELP!

    1. gecko*

      It sounds like a matter of oiling/soaping it and gently jiggling it out. You could also wet a towel in really hot water and apply it to the outside of the press to expand the outer walls a bit.

      How annoying! Good luck!

    2. HBucket*

      If it normally goes in and out easily, it may be just a little crooked. Perhaps try gently tapping where it (hopefully) appears to be crooked and see if that helps?!

    3. RunnerGirl*

      It’ll probably leave a mark, but if it’s truly stuck, heat the area around the disk with a torch then poke the disk out. You’ll want access to a workbench with a vise to hold the press, along with some gloves.

    4. Dr. Anonymous*

      Soak the whole thing in hot water nd then touch an ice cube to the disc. It’s probably aluminum and expands and contacts more with heat and cold than the press does.

      1. fposte*

        What I’ve done with bowls is just to put the whole thing in the freezer. The contraction-in-cold effect means that the walls get thinner and the concavity gets bigger, even though it may seem like expansion is what you’d want.

    5. Glomarization, Esq.*

      I’d try submersing it in simmering water for half a minute or so to see if the outer housing might expand enough to get the disc out.

    6. Girl friday*

      Have you tried taking a plastic or wooden spoon and pushing it out from the other side? I would try removing it from the opposite way it entered, rather than expanding or contracting the outside. The other discs might not fit then.

    8. Lcsa99*

      Thanks everyone! A combination of all the suggestions finally worked. I had it a little wet and put it in the freezer for an hour, then started some water in a small saucepan (enough to go just under but not touching the disk) and when that started boiling I dropped the thing in and started pushing the disk until the outside expanded enough that it finally moved.

      Phew!

  22. The Other Dawn*

    Anyone have a recommendation for a nearly-indestructible teaser toy for cats?

    One of my cats LOVES the teaser toys that have the feather attached. She’s a really high jumper so she gets some significant height when playing with this toy and it tires her out, which is good. I’ve tried several different ones–Da Bird, Jackson Galaxy, and a couple others–and she stills breaks the wand, usually within a short time after buying it. I’m at the point where I think I should just buy a children’s fishing pole and attach the feather toy to it.

    1. Lena Clare*

      A fishing rod is a good idea. You could also reinforce the rod with masking tape – it’ll last longer.

    3. TheFacelessOldWomanWhoSecretlyLivesinYour House*

      If you can find a long buggy whip or lung whip for horses, they work great.

      1. Lizabeth*

        Those may be too long for inside use but take a look at a dressage length riding crop. My ex-cats LOVE it.

    4. The New Wanderer*

      Our big kitten chewed the ends off the plastic wands, so anything plastic and thin is probably a no-go. We’ve used old shoelaces, both the knit kind and the cord kind, and tied a toy to the end (optional). There’s no pole so you can’t flick the toy but dragging along the ground works fine too.

    6. louise*

      We made a dog teaser toy using pvc pipe with rope through it and wave it around like a fishing rod for our high energy dog. That might be a little overkill for a cat, but it’s proven indestructible for us so far.

    7. Seeking Second Childhood*

      When I was owned by my housemate’s cats, we got a dowel and cotton yarn at a craft store and made our own. We did it because we were all on tight budgets… but it lasted longer than the fancy one received as a gift.

  23. Washi*

    How do people handle card-writing and present-buying with their significant other?

    I enjoy doing cards/emails/calls/presents for my friends and family on special occasions, but I think if I had to do it for everyone, it would become a huge chore. But my husband is not naturally good at stuff like that – he calls his family on their birthdays, but for example, never initiates plans to do something for his mom on Mother’s day, doesn’t do birthday cards for his grandparents, etc. We’ve been together a while and married a year, and I’m starting to feel like I’m implicated in how bad he is at this, especially since we live quite near his family. But I’m also hesitant to take it on since I know it would quickly become my sole responsibility.

    Am I being ungenerous by not wanting to take this on? Is it ok if my family gets more cards/presents/plans made? How does this work in your family? (I’m especially curious for those in non-heterosexual relationships if one person naturally tends to take this on, or if you split it, since there is a strong gendered aspect to this dynamic.)

    1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      I would let him do his family and you do yours. If they are unhappy, they can talk to him about it.

      You are right that you would be taking on a huge amount of emotional and actual labor without any benefit or likely recognition. And it’s hugely gendered so it’s worth not doing for that reason alone.

      If you eventually have kids, you could decide if you want to help facilitate a relationship by planning things with his side of the family. That would be a kindness. But a hard pass to the gifts/cards/birthday phone calls.

    2. The Other Dawn*

      I agree with letting him do his family and you do yours.

      My husband’s family isn’t good about remembering birthdays, much less buying cards or things like that. He’s lucky if his parents call him to wish him happy birthday. It’s just the way they are. He’s better about it–he gets me a card on my birthday and our anniversary, and remembers to wish me a happy birthday/anniversary. My family always remembers birthdays, although with both my parents gone now it’s usually an email and maybe a card. When my mom was around we tended to exchange gifts. It just kind of fell by the wayside when she died. Maybe because she was the one that usually mentioned that she bought X to send to the grandkids/kids.

      You don’t need to do all that work if his family is the type that doesn’t really care much about this stuff. I mean, you may get some satisfaction out of it, but they’re probably unlikely to be so moved that they reciprocate. I guess if you’re OK with never having your efforts acknowledge and you want to do it just to do it, then that’s fine, too.

    3. Dr. Anonymous*

      You are definitely not being ungenerous. My SO and I each do our own, or sometimes we each do something for his parents if we both have good ideas. We honestly both suck a bit at cards and being on time for the actual birthday.

      But if it’s something you would otherwise like to do and there’s something in an unrelated realm of chores you hate that your husband could do, that’s another option. I try not to worry too much about gender roles if there’s a division of labor in my own private relationships that works for me. If you worry he wouldn’t pull his weight at the other task, that’s a more systemic problem to tackle for your future happiness.

    4. Traffic_Spiral*

      I would definitely refuse to take it on – unless it’s offered like a chore that you do in exchange for him doing more dishes or something. Maybe I’d suggest it to him every now and then: “btw, I’m taking my mom out for mother’s day – what are you planning for yours?” but that’s it. If his family starts to mention that they’re neglected, just say “you’d have to ask [Mr. Washi] about that.”

      Does that mean your side of the family will get more time? Probably, but if his mom wanted him to send more cards, she probably should have raised him like that, shouldn’t she?

    5. fposte*

      It sounds like maybe you’re the only one of the two of you who thinks this needs to be done with his family, though. Now, as you note, this is gendered enough that you’re the one who might get the blowback if you don’t, but I’m inclined to say screw the blowback–I really wouldn’t want to become the family relationship technician just because I’m female. You do your side, he does his side, or he doesn’t.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yep. This is where I went to. Almost predictably he did nothing and no one cared. I could have put a lot of energy into that and it would have been for nothing.

      2. Washi*

        Yeah, I think you’ve nailed a lot of it – he’s not concerned (which is partly why he’s bad at it, he doesn’t feel the need to try) but since in both our families the wife is responsible for this stuff, I’m worried that it will reflect on me more than him. We also have this weird cycle going where he doesn’t initiate any plans with his parents, so they flood us with invitations because they think that’s the only way to see us, but because they are constantly emailing us (I’m talking multiple times a week) there’s no need for him to initiate anything because they’ve already invited us to a million things.

        I think I need to take everyone’s advice and just not try to change this and let them talk to Mr. Washi if they don’t like how things are!

      3. Natalie*

        Agreed, ignore any possible blowback. If it bothers your in laws enough they’ll mention it sometime and then they can take it up with *their* son.

        Or you’ll get lucky and it will come up somehow naturally. Right after I got married we visited my spouse’s family around his mom’s birthday. He had brought a gift and she made some kind of joke about how now he had a wife to remind him. I just said (brightly, not snarky) “nope! He can manage his own calendar. I have enough family to keep track of.” It’s never come up since.

    6. Putting Out Fires, Esq.*

      I am aggressively you do your side I do mine. My in-laws buy things for me and my parents buy things for my husband, but I buy “couple” gifts for my brother and sister in law, they do the same for us. It makes more sense to me, but husband’s family is all about individual gifts.1

    7. sleepwakehopeandthen*

      I do nothing with maintaining how my husband manages his relationships with his family. I don’t buy presents or send cards or organize get togethers. (Sometimes I will help with the logistics for things that have already been planned, like if I am buying gifts and he asks me to pick up a specific, already identified present for his mom, I would, as long as I didn’t have to choose, and I usually make the desserts we bring to family gatherings). For Christmas cards, I order enough of them for him to send out, but I only send them to my people, and if he wants to send them to his people, he can do that. He’s an adult and managed to have a relationship with his family before we got married, he can continue to manage it after.

    8. NeverNicky*

      Mr Never does his side of the family, I do mine. In the early years I made an effort and made handmade gifts for Christmas for his siblings/ siblings in law and got no thanks so not even going to try anymore. They aren’t big on gifts and cards apparently – which I should have known from the lack on my birthday…

      It does mean I spend more on my family than Mr N does on his but it’s just how it is.

    9. Family Business*

      My ex would never do anything for his family, but they were big on gifts, and he said ‘we’ had to do something for them. We always became me. One year, I did the usual shopping and wrapping for Christmas, but only signed my name on the tags.

      It was quite clear to all that he hadn’t even LOOKED at the gifts because he was surprised that there were no gifts from him.

      So that’s the passive aggressive approach.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        You know, some people only dream of doing this but you actually lived it. I have to applaud this one.

    10. Red Reader*

      I solved it by marrying someone who is estranged from the remaining living members of his family, barring his twin brother who doesn’t like me anyway. Heh. But if that hadn’t been the case, like everyone else is saying, he would handle his family and I would handle mine. As it is, I handle mine, he’s probably forgotten to get anything for his brother and I don’t care, and he asks me if I think we should go see my parents more often because he adores them.

    11. Washi*

      I’m reassured to see that so many people are each in charge of their own sides of the family! I don’t have a lot of married friends, and my one closest friend who is married does all the connection-tending for both of them, so I was feeling pretty guilty about my stance.

    12. Gay in the city*

      In our relationship my wife is definitely more into stuff like writing thoughtful cards than I am, but in general I take care of my family and she does hers. However we get big and thoughtful presents from my parents and I don’t tend to get anything from hers (she does, though typically something smaller) so bearing that in mind I do expect some help coming up with stuff for my parents!

    13. EvilQueenRegina*

      My uncle is just like your husband. Before he met his wife, it used to be a running joke in the family about whether Uncle Robert’s birthday card would be late or arrive at all. Once he married Cersei, she took over with all our birthdays. One year she happened to be out of the country on my cousin Jon’s birthday, Uncle Robert sent nothing and then later said he didn’t see why he should given that Jon was 22 that year. But the age thing is a whole different issue so I won’t derail the thread with it.

      1. EvilQueenRegina*

        The joke of it is the amount of fuss that Uncle Robert expects us all to make of his birthday. I call him Dudley Dursley to his face.

    14. Everdene*

      Oak and I tend to jointly so both our families; ie ‘what should we get our mums for Mothers Day this year’. I tend to wrap (I initially insisted on doing it together but now I usually wrap while he’s doing the ironing and he’ll lend a finger when required) and write cards (better handwriting) but he dictates the message (better ar being nice!). However we both have a love language of gift giving so I don’t feel like this is a burden on me OR his family judge me for his failures.

    15. Olive Hornby*

      I’m a woman married to another woman, and my wife takes on most of this responsibility–partly, I think, because it’s just a bigger deal in her close-knit family than it is in mine. So she’ll remind me that it’s my brother’s birthday to make sure that I remember to call him, or she’ll bring home Mother’s Day cards for both of us to sign for each of our moms, or she’ll wrap the Christmas gifts.

      It works for us, but only because 1) my wife likes picking out cards and gifts and 2) I take on more work in other areas (like keeping track of our finances.) If you feel burdened by the responsibility, or if your husband isn’t taking on his fair share of work when it comes to other tasks, you’d be totally within your rights to not take this on. But before you make that decision, it would be worth having a conversation with him–I have a sense that straight men don’t always view this kind of thing as work on par with cleaning the house or getting the oil changed, so a little reframing might help him understand that he needs to contribute more–even if it means putting a reminder on his calendar to plan something for Mother’s Day, etc.

  24. Auntie Social*

    Party question—when you go up to a group or a couple in a conversation to join the group, and no one acknowledges you, what then? I’ve been on the other end of this, and have never not said hello to someone coming up to us. Maybe with an explanation to get the new person caught up—“Gordon was telling us about his recent appearance in court”. So after a few minutes of being invisible do you just slink off? There doesn’t seem to be an opening or even a “Really? Me, too!” moment.

    3. Koala dreams*

      I say “Hello, my name is X” and stretch out my hand. Usually people shake hands and tell me their names in return. If people are so into their conversation that they won’t even do that, I go find another group, but that doesn’t happen very often.

    4. fposte*

      I’m with Koala–it’s not something to leave to the group if you want officially to connect. You’re standing at the door, so ring the doorbell :-).

      And if they’re so engrossed in conversation that there’s not an opening, that’s probably not a good conversation to happen onto–try another one. But while it’s nice if they notice you and reach out, it’s not a situation where they’re obliged to do so.

    5. ExTexan*

      Funny! My engineer husband was the same way – “What do philosophy majors actually DO?”

      And then we went to our homecoming last month and attended a talk on politics, ethics, and moral philosophy and he skipped the next lecture just so he could stay to talk with the philosopher.

      I was an English major who took Phil 101 and pretty much any other class that seemed cool (Nationalism and Imperialism in the Middle East, Existentialist Literature, Latin American History). I really liked the book “The Story of Philosophy: The Lives and Opinions of the World’s Greatest Philosophers” by Will Durant. It’s a good overview that gives you context, like, one of the reasons Schopenhauer was so down on women is his mom was really successful in her field and he was not.

    6. kc89*

      I avoid tightly cornered off groups who don’t seem to want to be interrupted, but if people at least look open to new people joining their little group or conversation I will usually just do a kind of obnoxious “HELLOOOOO” and then make sure I know everybody’s name and see if the conversation gels from there. If we aren’t vibing I will bow out after a minute or two.

      If the problem is you say hello and nobody says anything back, well that is rude of them!

    7. Anon Anon Anon*

      Group conversations can be hard. Sometimes people mean to be exclusive. Other times, they’re just caught up in the conversation, or they feel shy and awkward themselves. I honestly avoid them to some extent. I avoid that kind of social situation altogether. Or if I have to be part of something like that, I find something I can do. Help out with things, take pictures – something solo. Sometimes I approach someone who’s alone and introduce myself. But I don’t do the group thing.

    8. gecko*

      If it’s a couple and they ignore you, they don’t want you there and are being rude. If it’s a group, they’re still being a little rude, but if you don’t get the sense it’s a private conversation, you can abide with a smile until a conversational opening.

  25. Needs More Aladeen*

    I’m a recovering neckbeardy asshole of the type who used to look down on humanities majors just because I was getting a physics undergrad. Now I’m almost done with an engineering master’s, and in the years since, I’ve been shoved out of my neckbeardy phase.

    Partly because a few life events happened that made me see that life is more than just whatever narrow sliver I want to cut it up into (or anyone, of any discipline, wants to cut it into, if they’re being narrowminded). Part of it was having really good humanities courses near the end of my undergrad that really spoke to me. Partly because I’ve been binge-listening to YouTube philosophy channels. Like Yale courses, and stuff done by notable contemporary figures (Zizek, Zero Books) and philosophy grad students. I am staying away from Jordan Peterson and other alt-lite/right twits like the plague.

    I’m getting really interested in continental philosophy, critical theory, deep ecology, and intellectual Christian theology. I realize if I’m going to pursue this interest, I’m going to have to ramp things up a bit. I don’t have the confidence to pursue further academic studies in these areas at this point, but I’d be more than eager to grab an introductory book or two or three.

    What sorts of next steps would you recommend for a guy like me?

    Thanks!

    2. Laura H.*

      History is a great conduit for learning. As an English major, I found that pairing World Civilizations with the corresponding World Lit class (both split into two classes at the renascence iirc) was incredibly helpful.

      It doesn’t work as well with American Lit because the movements don’t feel as “defined”

      But you can also look at the evolution of the sciences too, and that’s kinda up your alley, I assume.

      No real material suggestions, sorry.

    4. Lady Jay*

      Hurrah! Humanities are so fun, whenever you discover them. I have a bachelor’s and master’s in English Lit, with a focus on religious literature; here’s a bunch of things I love; pick & choose from among them to suit your taste:

      Poetry: The Divine Comedy, without question; Esolen translation is best. T.S. Eliot’s Four Quartets (his post-conversion poetry, which blends historic Christian theology with medieval mysticism and Buddhism). If you’re at all interested in mysticism, I’d throw Lady Julian of Norwich in here.

      Nonfiction: Wendell Berry, Marilynne Robinson, Lauren Winner, some C.S. Lewis (later works are better than earlier; Reflections on the Psalms was outside the box & very good, though I also recommend his novel Till We Have Faces). Augustine’s Confessions. For philosophy/hyperrealism, read Baudrillard and Lyotard if you haven’t already.

      Fiction George MacDonald’s fantasy for adults: especially Phantastes and Lilith. Don DeLillo is a good postmodern American writer; White Noise and Underworld are his best, though if you can find his short story Esmerelda, that’s excellent too.

    6. Trot*

      Anne Carson’s stuff is really interesting. She’s a professor in classics but also does a lot of artistic stuff that kind of translates those ancient myths into postmodern lit. For you I’d recommend her translation of Sappho (If Not, Winter) and Autobiography of Red.

    7. Detective Amy Santiago*

      Watch The Good Place and listen to their official podcast.

      I know that might sound flippant, but the show delves deep into various philosophies and they actually do the research and present the theories accurately. On the official podcast, they frequently talk about the sources they used for different episodes/story lines.

    8. Anchorage*

      Coursera and the like. You don’t have to pay for stuff if you don’t want the certificate. But you get reading lists, online lectures, peer review of papers in some classes, etc. I’ve done several that were outside my areas of work/study and it was great! Low stakes since you aren’t being graded but with some structure and context beyond just reading and thinking on your own.

    9. gecko*

      I’d look up syllabi, maybe from your alma mater (or current school :) ). That may give you an OK mix of original texts and more introductory explanations of them, especially if you look toward first-year sociology, theology, etc classes.

      I also wouldn’t underestimate the value of writing and discussing this stuff along with reading it. Especially as you get into the really dense stuff it can be so helpful to have someone to guide a discussion about it, or challenge your interpretation of the text—or, have to write a paper that forces you to think really deeply about it.

      To that end, you said you weren’t interested in further formal education, but a class that’s not degree-oriented might help and be fun! And honestly, being interested and willing to say “teach me I don’t understand this” puts you way ahead of lots of young students in intro classes ;)

    10. deesse877*

      The “Very Short Introductions” series from Oxford University Press is inexpensive and high-quality, and covers many topics in theory and philosophy (and some major figures too). You won’t know everything there is to know once you finish one, but you will have a better-than-Wikipedia foundation in terms, context, and bibliography. I have recommended them to college students with good results.

    11. Birch*

      I don’t have any book recommendations, but instead a life recommendation. Listen more than you talk. No education or “debate” is more important than someone’s lived experiences. Learn how to tell when you’ve hurt someone with what you say, and how to apologize gracefully. People who know less than you or believe in things you don’t are not worth less than you.

      I’m not saying that because I think you’re a terrible person from this short description, but because I’ve had a lot of experience interacting with people who match that description who tend to focus on the books and the theory when all they really needed to do was to figure out how to be a better friend.

    12. Seeking Second Childhood*

      As a techie with an interest in philosophy you may enjoy “Gödel, Escher, Bach: An Eternal Golden Braid” by Douglas Hofstadter. Philosophy and recursion intertwined.

    14. Olive Hornby*

      Liz Bruenig (of the Washington Post) has an excellent list of reading on Christian theology and political philosophy–google her name + reading list and it should come right up.

      For critical theory, the Norton anthology is very solid and comprehensive.

  26. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

    Thursday night, got bad gastroenteritis from boxed vegetable pumpkin chili BIL’s girlfriend gave us. Had to miss 1 day of work, am able to eat toast/drink ginger ale, but my stomach feels sore. I heard kefir’s good for repairing the gut. Anything else?

    Also, am rather annoyed at getting food poisoning twice in the past 7 months..past items: grocery store sausage, meat in a puffy Saran Wrap. Apart from eating organic meat from pricey stores, any tips to avoid food poisoning?

    1. Valancy Snaith*

      You can get just as whopping a case of food poisoning from organic food from expensive stores as Wal-Mart. Best bet to avoid food poisoning is to keep an eye out for food recalls (we just had a big one here for romaine), wash your vegetables well, thaw food correctly and safely, and cook your meat out of the danger zone. Sadly there’s no magic way to keep it away.

    2. Dr. Anonymous*

      The CDC food safety page has a lot of tips. It’s mostly about cooking and storage. There can still be batches of raw lettuce that are contaminated in a way washing won’t fix (so I guess advocating for better working conditions and hand washing facilities for farm workers is a long term fix), but much of the time what causes actual food poisoning happens in the kitchen (yours or the store’s) or your own lunchbox.

      1. Observer*

        Actually, no that won’t help this kind of problem. Not that better conditions are a bad idea, but dirty hands are generally not the issue in this type of scenario. In the case of the Arizona outbreak the problem apparently was that proximity of the fields and their water source(s) to ranches with lots of animal excrement that was affecting said water supply.

    3. Ali G*

      I don’t think you need to only buy food from pricey stores. It’s not only quality – but how it’s been stored and handled. Check dates, keep frozen things frozen until use, etc. “Puffy saran wrap” sounds fishy to me. If something is shrink wrapped, or on one of those styrofoam bases with plastic wrap around it, it shouldn’t be puffy.
      Other things to eat – egg whites, bananas, applesauce (no sugar added), bone broth.

      1. SignalLost*

        Yeah, “puffy Saran Wrap” makes me think whatever’s under there has gone bad and is outgassing.

    5. Girl friday*

      Haven’t gotten food poisoning lately myself. I like to feel the containers when they hand them to me. If they’re cold or hot enough at the time, that’s a good sign. Don’t eat anything that’s not either pink and very cold or hot enough to feel on your hands. Nothing gray, not even sausages should be gray. Nothing lukewarm. Personally, I would stay away from dairy (kefir) and focus on rehydrating and clear broth and toast. Maybe bananas! Then once better, kefir and yogurt a couple times a week. But I have a very strong stomach and you’ll probably develop one too, eventually. Could be also a hidden food allergy. Smell, color, temp are your guides.

    6. Courageous cat*

      Well, I think part of the problem is that you A: probably can’t say with any certainty which food caused it, as food poisoning can hit any number of hours later, and B: could have had something that wasn’t food poisoning (a stomach bug of some sort). So there’s probably no way to tell or no pattern to look for – just bad luck!

    7. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Aside from food storage and prep, once you’ve had food poisoning a couple times, I think you become susceptible to it for a while. So, pass on anything that you’re not sure about, avoid foods that are more risky, etc. No sushi, etc. Spend 6 months or a year just sticking to safer foods.

    8. misspiggy*

      After poisoning ourselves with a pie that had inaccurate cooking instructions, we bought a digital food thermometer that you stick in to check the temperature. Comfortably over 70 degrees C is the aim.

      Daily probiotic capsules help with repairing the gut situation.

      1. Lemon Whirl*

        Yes +1 for probiotic. When I traveled to Malaysia, we were advised to take probiotics. And the one time I got sick, our on-site manager gave me this amazing probiotic that had something like 30 million good bacteria in it. I was better in nearly no time.

        As for what to eat while recovering – apples, bananas, rice, or toast.

        1. JxB*

          Good advice but note BRAT diet for nausea usually means applesauce, not raw apples. You can cook the apples until soft but avoid eating raw, hard fruit – which is hard to digest.

          BRAT = Bananas, Rice, Applesauce, and Toast. You aren’t limited to these 4 things but keep it to bland foods and these 4 are a good base.

    9. Observer*

      I’m going to agree with everyone who says that neither organic nor expensive will help you with avoiding food poisoning.

      NEVER eat anything it packaging that’s “puffy”. If a can is even a bit rounded out toss it. These indicate that the food is going bad or has gone bad. Also if it’s, deeply dented, because then it highly probably that the seal has been broken, even though you don’t see it.

    10. Jersey's mom*

      Once I am past the active vomiting and nausea that makes me curl into a ball, I will do the broth, tea, bananas, rice, maybe toast for a day. If I feel OK the following day, I usually crave hot food. I don’t know why. I’ll eat rice with tons of lousiana hot sauce, or baked chicken with tons of hot sauce. My husband of 30+ years thinks I’m nuts but tried it the last time he had nausea, and it seemed to work for him. Definitely a ymmv situation, tho.

    11. wingcolor*

      Another thing that I find really helpful for post-food poisoning lingering stomachaches is water with slices of lemon and cucumber in it. Make up a big pitcher to keep in your fridge and drink for a few days. I don’t know why it helps, but it really does!

    12. Venus*

      From a buddy who works with the CDC on food safety:
      Kill step: if you want to be healthy, cook the food. He does not eat lettuce / greens or packaged / cut fruit (especially berries – apples and bananas unpeeled are okay).

      They think that part of the lettuce problem is that when the plants are cut, the water wicks up into the plant (think of celery in a glass of water with food colouring – the leaves take on the colour of the water). So if the field has any e-coli from fertilizer or nearby animals (which can happen very easily with organic produce as they encourage fertilizer from manure rather than chemicals), then the bacteria get into the leaves and no amount of washing will make a difference.

      It sounds weird as a term, but I say it quite often now when discussing food:
      Kill Step

  27. Alex Di Marco*

    Reading the 99 glimpses. Loving it. Some PM’s repartees – as reported – are such that I have to read them twice to make sure that I read it right the first time.

  28. Be the Change*

    Update on my friend who got the $9000 out of network bill for pathology services during surgery – his surgeon called and barked at someone, so it was reduced to <$500. So, good.

    Not so good – he will be out of work for at least 16 weeks total and his company will let him go because FMLA is 12 weeks. He's a very skilled person with unusual credentials but they would rather shoot their operations in the foot than pay someone expensive to do the job. I'll bring this up on Friday and ask for input.

    Our non-health non-care system should burn in hell.

    1. Rebecca*

      I’m glad that got reduced. My ex husband was admitted to the hospital about 5 years ago with a blood clot the entire length of his leg. His doctor felt it was life threatening, and my employer had Empire Blue Cross/Blue Shield under Anthem. As per their instructions, I reported the hospitalization. They ordered an MRI (after the doctor had done scans on his own). Long story short, after 2 days in the hospital, and seeing that the MRI showed the clot from ankle to hip, but not protruding into the abdominal cavity, determined (A) hospitalization was not necessary and (B) he should have been sent home from the doctor’s office when the clot was discovered, a nurse sent to the house to administer intravenous drugs each day to break up the clot and (C) they weren’t paying for the hospital stay or any of the other costs, except the MRI they ordered. I wish I was joking. The whole point of being in the hospital was in case a large chunk of this thing broke loose, and they would at least have a shot at life saving procedures. We’re in a rural area. Had that happened at home, it could take anywhere from 40 minutes to an hour to get an ambulance crew to the house and back to a hospital.

      So began the disputes, letters, etc. Empire/Anthem stood firm. I was now facing a hospital bill that exceeded half my yearly take home pay, even after it was reduced. The hospital eventually wrote it off, saying this was not an infrequent occurrence, and I was so grateful.

      Long story short – the way we handle health care in the USA needs to change. Having decent affordable insurance should not be dependent on whether you have a good job or not. Insurance companies should not be able to stick people with bills, especially when your physician says “oh hey, you might die from this, so I’m putting you in the hospital”. It’s not like people get up one morning and say, I think I’ll check myself into the local hospital for a few days for kicks and giggles. The physician is the one with boots on the ground, standing there, evaluating the situation, not some bean counter looking at data somewhere far away. And don’t get me started on the 10’s of millions of dollars the insurance company CEO’s rake in. At that time, the CEO of Anthem made more money in 1 day than I made in a year. The bill they stuck the hospital with was maybe 1/4 day’s pay for him, based on 365 days per year. Unacceptable. And you know what? I bet if was him with the blood clot, he’d have the best treatment available, and his bean counters wouldn’t have tried to force home care on him.

      1. fposte*

        I also think what you describe and what Change describes is pretty common–initially there’s an unreasonably sized bill, and then there’s pushback, and it drops down or disappears. There’s a really unsavory car-dealership flavor to it, like only mugs pay the first price billed. And if you know that and you have the energy, that’s one thing, but a lot of sick people don’t have the wherewithal to argue like that.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          We have lemon laws for cars but we don’t protect people’s health in a similar manner. Imagine going to a car repair place and they always say, “Let’s TRY this or TRY that.” Guessing is not acceptable at a car repair shop, but it’s okay in health care. I don’t get it. I can only assume they know insurance will pay whether the outcome is good or bad.

        2. Natalie*

          I’m not sure it even occurs to a lot of people that they could complain, or that kind of weird pride of not asking for help. Particularly in the that lower-middle area of people of who have some real access to health care, don’t qualify for any formal programs, but actually can’t easily manage a thousand dollars or whatever.

      2. Mimmy*

        Oh that’s just awful :( A blood clot down the ENTIRE LEG?! I hope he had a good recovery.

        Adding to what fposte says – I think it was my husband who says that doctors will charge a lot to see what they can get for their services, but then gets bargained down. I may not be remembering that correctly, but it wouldn’t surprise me.

        1. I'm A Little Teapot*

          fyi, there’s 30+ companies behind the Blue Cross brand. So there is a huge variety, way more than any of the other big insurers. Some of them are much better than others.

      4. strangebuttrue*

        That’s insane. My husband had blood clots travel to the lungs twice. The first time there was no clots found in the legs. The second time they found a nice large one. This could have killed him.

        I went to the ER once when what I thought was a pimple on my face became a very large swollen area. This was 2 days before Christmas. The first thing the doctor said when she walked into the room was that they normally admit patients to the hospital for this. Swelling near the brain – not good. I explained that I had out of town Christmas plans and they called in the doctor on call to look at me. I was allowed to go home but with one of the strongest oral antibiotics available and all the normal warnings. Got a statement from insurance that they weren’t paying for it and a bill from the hospital. The insurance then was they would pay for the emergency room if you were admitted or it was prudent to go, like a broken arm or potential heart attack. Otherwise you had to have gone to your doctor first. Problem with going to the doctor was while it was a work day it was the Friday before Christmas so of course the office was closed. And this was before urgent care sites became so prevalent. Don’t know exactly what happened but I sent them a letter pointing out what the original doctor had said and I never heard from either the insurance company or the hospital again. Thankfully the insurance changed so there was a copay for emergency room visits. I think about $150 but better than a surprise big bill.

        1. blackcat*

          My student insurance classifies “simple fractures” as non-emergency events. So they do not cover ER bills for non-compound fractures. It’s bonkers.

      5. Elizabeth West*

        That’s INSANE.
        When I had a DVT, the same thing happened–the insurance company and the hospital wouldn’t work together even though my doctor pushed for it. The sonogram tech was even concerned, though it wasn’t as big as your ex’s. So I had to go home and stay off my feet (completely off) for a whole week. I did get up to feed my ex’s dogs and when my doctor found out, he was upset.

        He was so pissed off at the hospital system for other reasons but that was a last-straw factor for him and he ended up quitting and going somewhere else. I was pissed because he was awesome.

    2. Gatomon*

      I’m glad the bill was reduced, but I’m so sorry your friend is losing his job. No one should be let go because they became ill. His company is monstrous. FMLA is better than absolutely nothing, but it really feels like a token effort on the part of our government to avoid actually solving the problem, at least to me. “See, we gave you this bill, you have ‘protections’!”

      Curious to hear how other countries handle this. Or maybe it is a non-issue since healthcare isn’t tied to employment? But do people still have job protection?

      1. Rebecca (I am still Furious!!)*

        A few years ago, a coworker fell and badly broke her leg, at her own home, and had several surgeries, blood clots, complications, etc. At the 12 week mark, HR sent a message to our manager at the time, asking whether she was going to sign termination papers at that time. She said no because it wasn’t right, employee would be back, and had a lot of experience, and it was stupid to let someone go like that for something they had no control over, only to have to hire and train someone new.

        My take on almost anything anymore is the spirit of the law and the letter of the law don’t have much to do with each other.

      2. Observer*

        This is not about healthcare – it’s about protecting jobs for people who need a leave of absence.

      3. Jasnah*

        In my country (not Europe) people can take a leave of absence for medical reasons and their job is protected, I think for 6 months or a year or something? Also they can subscribe to national or company health insurance, pick one but it’s mandatory for everyone. So sad that someone can have a medical emergency through no fault of their own, be saddled with impossibly high medical bills, then be fired because they need time to recover. Then they can’t pay those medical bills and might even become homeless.

    3. Zuisho*

      I work in Human Resources. Since he is disabled for that time, he should be eligible for protection under the ADA. The ADA considers it a reasonable accommodation to have time off to deal with a disability after FMLA is the ends. The company would have to prove it would be an undue hardship. He should be explain that to HR and get a lawyer if they don’t see the light. Good luck!

    4. Anon for this*

      I have a likely torn acl in my knee. I never knew just how painful it could be. Went to walk in clinic, who gave me anti inflammatories, and got me an appointment with an orthopadist a week later. After the fort couple of questions, he wanted to know if I’m in organized sports, and when I said no, said I probably won’t need surgery! Without even taking an MRI. My fury has no bounds. A month later I demanded an MRI and will have the results this week, along with another appt with him.

      My work and play are highly active, and I’ve shown him photos of conditions I work and list of personal activities. I dunno if this is his personal sports hangup or a female hangup, but this is insane. I haven’t blown up yet-I’ll wait for the results of the MRI, but I feel like a ticking time bomb right now. I hate our health care system.

      1. Observer*

        If you’re right about a “female” hangup, that’s not a US thing. If you look at studies outside of the US, the issues women have to deal with are mind-blowing. And I’m talking about Western Democracies, not third world or Moslem fundamentalist countries.

  29. LGC*

    So to get the running thread started this week: I’m actually going to address this to the person who posted last week about planning on running NYC or MCM next year as their first marathon.

    I figure that since I’m 1) a newbie (NJ 2018 and NYC 2018), 2) pretty fast, and 3) most importantly, pretty vocal around these parts…what are things you guys have learned when running (at basically…any distance)?

    Since I’m about to write a novel I’m going to comment with my stuff. I posted a bit (…okay, another novel) in the thread last week but it’s fairly far down.

    1. Bulbasaur*

      Looks like that wasn’t one of your more successful intros. I’ll chip in as a long-time runner who has done mostly casual stuff with one or two longer ones, and target it to people new to the sport.

      1. Have the right shoes. You can get away with this for a while, but once you start running regularly or doing anything over a few km, it’s worth going to one of the stores that can do a running style analysis and recommend a shoe specifically for you.

      2. Know when to seek help. Having a session with a physio before problems get really serious can often save you a ton of effort in fixing them. Some pain/stiffness after a run is normal, but if it lasts longer than a day or so, becomes chronic and reoccurs in the same place(s) every time, or starts restricting your motion in any way then it’s a good idea to see a physio about it. Procrastinate for six months until it becomes really unpleasant and you’ll have a much longer and harder road to get back to full health.

      3. Get a training program for anything over 10km. I found that it was pretty easy to just muddle through up to that distance, but I ran into a lot of setbacks training for a half marathon. Things that you can get away with ignoring over 10km, like hydration, suddenly become very important for the longer distances, and you can get yourself into trouble if you don’t take that into account. YMMV – I know a guy that can roll out of bed and run half marathons with no training (admittedly not very quickly) and there are probably others who will need careful planning to make it to 10k.

    1. Elizabeth West*

      ARE YOU SERIOUS I AM SCREAMING

      I can’t wait, but at the same time, I’m dreading it. I imagine we’ll get at least one more trailer before the film comes out.

      1. matcha123*

        I hope so! I think I was hoping for more action :p
        At least the Thor side story online was pretty interesting. Where he gets a roommate and lives in Australia.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I used to do that, but when the Thor: Ragnarok trailer dropped, I couldn’t resist–I watched it eleventy zillion times and now I NEEEEEEED to see the trailers. I won’t read any reviews, though, until after I’ve seen a film.

        Of course, A4 has been the topic of intense nerd conversation with my friends and me since Infinity War, so we’ve probably figured out half of it by now anyway, LOL.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          This was supposed to be my marathon Thor #1-3 day but my daughter was so tired after dance (and husband so pissy still) that no homework got done. It doesn’t feel fair for me to be watching movies while she’s slogging through a science project.

  31. Iclock*

    Best book read this year: “The Boys on the Boat.” Best movie I saw: “Won’t You Be My Neighbor.”

  32. Mimmy*

    Anyone ever flown Jet Blue? It was one of the few options we could find for a conference in Orlando that I’m attending that was a direct flight and fit my timing preferences. Got a “let’s get to know each other” email from them this morning and it’s a little corny. Also, in order to avoid extra fees, I’m only bringing a carry-on – no checked bags. Oh this will be fun…. :/

      1. Bluebell*

        I like JetBlue a lot. Yes they can be silly with marketing but customer service is good an for awhile they seemed to put me in tsa precheck more often than not. And the tv options are good too.

    2. Annie Moose*

      If you’re used to checking bags and aren’t sure how to get everything down to a carry-on, a packing list is your best friend. Onebag.com is probably more extensive than you need for a short trip, but it has a good overall packing list that can get you thinking about the kinds of things you need to bring and avoid that last-minute “throw things in because maybe I’ll need them” panic. Once you have a list, STICK TO IT. A packing list only helps if you keep yourself from adding more things anyway!

      Some general tips on packing lighter, some of which might be obvious but are my guiding principles:
      – Bring things that can be worn multiple times, when possible. If you’re concerned about people noticing, bring stuff in neutral colors/patterns instead of bold and colorful. If you have items that can be dressed up/down, they’ll be particularly useful. (e.g. a shirt that looks good both with dress pants and with jeans, cutting out the need to bring two separate shirts)
      – This should be easy because you’re going to a warm place, but avoid bringing bulky clothing. If you have to bring some, try to wear it on the flight so it doesn’t take up room in your bag.
      – Remember that you have a personal item too! You can pack clothes or toiletries in a large laptop bag or backpack. If you use a purse, bring a small one that fits inside your larger personal item.
      – Bring fewer shoes!! I always want to pack tons and tons of shoes, but if you pick your outfits carefully, you can probably get by with just one pair of casual shoes (tennis shoes?) and one pair of nice shoes. (and maybe a pair of flipflops if you’re going swimming?) Wear your biggest shoes on the plane.

      And remember that Orlando has plenty of stores, so if you do forget something important, you can always just pick it up down there. (flashback to me forgetting my entire liquids bag at the airport the last time I flew… thankfully Connecticut has as many drugstores as Michigan does!)

      1. Annie Moose*

        Oh, I forgot to mention–pack compactly! A lot of people like packing cubes, but folding everything neatly or rolling your clothes will do just fine in most cases (and doesn’t require you to buy something). I’m a big fan of the “Army roll” technique, but it’s not like you need a special method. Just don’t throw things in willy-nilly.

        1. fposte*

          Packing cubes are more of an advantage, IMHO, on a multi-stop trip or if you’re sharing the bag with somebody. If it’s only one person per bag and just one stop, usually bag pockets are going to be more than sufficient for dividing stuff up for in-transit grabs.

          (I love the idea, but I also want to keep things as light as possible, so I’m not going to add them to my packing on trips where I don’t need them.)

          1. Claire*

            I never travel without mine these days, they make packing and staying organised when travelling so much easier. They weigh basically nothing anyway, but they have eliminated so much of the thinking involved that I’d put up with a little extra weight for the sheer convenience of them.

        2. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Cheap way to try out the concept… ziplock bags. I’ve been using them since a high school canoe camp. Everyone tips a time or three going through rapids… and my socks&all stayed dry.

    3. Thursday Next*

      JetBlue is my preferred domestic airline. I’ve found their service to be great, especially when traveling with my daughter with disabilities. (United was the worst for that and I have avoided that airline for the last 5 years.)

      2. Mimmy*

        Oh good, I was wondering how their disability services were. I have some sensory disabilities; they aren’t severe but I do need a little extra help navigating large or unfamiliar places, especially the security section! I won’t need baggage claim, so that takes out one step :)

        1. Thursday Next*

          For airport security, there is a program called TSA Cares for passengers with special needs. I have contacted them to make arrangements regarding airport security (which is an airport thing, not an individual airline thing).

          It made getting back home (from Orlando, in fact) sooo much easier.

        2. Reba*

          Sorry if this is telling you something you already know: airlines are required (at least in the US) to help you through the airport if you identify yourself to them as needing assistance. Most airlines have a form somewhere in the online booking to indicate what help you need, but they also have to provide it if you ask them when you arrive. It’s not just wheelchairs, they can also have a staff member escort you all the way to the gate, if that’s what you want–or if you have a family member or friend that can help, provide a pass for them to go back to the gate with you.

          Here is information about the rules https://www.transportation.gov/individuals/aviation-consumer-protection/wheelchair-and-guided-assistance

          Hope you have a great trip!

    4. LilySparrow*

      It’s been several years since I’ve flown JetBlue, because we moved. But I always had good experiences and was sorry to have to switch carriers.

    5. Llellayena*

      Double check the carry on requirements for JetBlue. Some budget airlines are now charging for carry on or have reduced the allowed size. Not sure if JetBlue was one of them but it’s worth the effort to make sure.

      1. blackcat*

        JetBlue does not, but they can
        1) be persnickety about size (though it is not too small)
        and
        2) force people in the later boarding groups to check their bags (but at no cost)

        As others have said, JetBlue is my favorite domestic airline. I once canceled travel because my cat was sick, and they waived the change fee, coding it as a “family emergency.” For a cat.

        I have always found their customer service folks to be genuinely helpful and nice.

  33. Ali G*

    I’m procrastinating. I have to clean our bedroom/bathroom today. It’s been too long. I’ve also been putting off finding a cleaning person, so it’s my own fault, LOL.

  34. Shelby Johnston*

    I was wondering something about the movie “Vertigo”. (I’ll give a warning that there are spoilers ahead, even though the movie is from 1958). So Madeleine runs to the top of the bell tower, and when she gets there, Elster throws the already dead body of his wife out the window to make it look like a suicide. How then did Madeleine and Elster get out of there without anyone seeing them? I assume Scotty stayed around until the police showed up, I don’t see how they could have snuck away.
    Also, later, when Scotty sees Judy- was it purely by chance, or did she want him to find her, since she’d fallen in love with him when she was pretending to be Madeleine?
    Something else just occurred to me as I was typing this. When Scotty is following “Madeleine” around town, surely other people knew that wasn’t really her? Especially when she and Elster were at the restaurant – people would have known it wasn’t her, they couldn’t have looked so much alike as to be mistaken for each other. And where was the real Madeleine all those weeks when Scotty was following the fake Madeleine around town? She looked newly-killed when Elster threw her body from the tower. I have to give this movie a re-watch, maybe some of these questions were answered but I just don’t remember.

    1. fposte*

      I don’t remember these specifically, but that movie is notorious for massive plot holes, and I suspect those are what you’re falling through there.

      See also: The Big Sleep, where the initial murder of the chauffeur never actually gets solved, and nobody seems to notice.

    2. Girl friday*

      I think it’s all about erotomania and paranoia and not really meant to be taken seriously in that way. But, bell towers are notoriously easy to sneak around in? It’s part suspension of belief, and part that the public will run with whatever they’re presented with, for movie purposes.

      1. Girl friday*

        No spoilers, but if you watch the movie you could kind of forgive the townspeople for thinking it. And they don’t really do rigor mortis in movies, because ick. With certain notable exceptions.

    3. FuzzFrogs*

      I think your questioning of the bell tower belies that you *know* she was murdered, when Scotty has all the reason to believe she committed suicide and lots of phobia to prevent him from climbing all the way up the tower. He probably walked down, told whoever came running that his girlfriend just committed suicide. Even if they suspected foul play, he would be the obvious suspect since he just came out of that very tower–they could’ve also been like “let’s call the cops and let them sort it out”. As a nun I wouldn’t be very incentivized to inspect the suicide location of a young woman, just on the off-chance that an unknown murderer could’ve been present when I have no reason to think there was an unknown murderer. In the meantime Elster and Madeleine book it out of the tower and sneak out the back of the church.

      I think the meeting is ultimately by chance but if Judy had used common sense, she would’ve left town for a while. I feel like she’s willing to tempt fate a little bit to see if she does run into Scotty again, because she does seem to love him–I don’t know that I’d go along with his creepy makeover if I didn’t love him.

      I think your last point is the biggest plot hole. This film doesn’t really think out what Madeleine’s life, and the consequences of that life. Where is she? Where are her friends to ask why her husband is supping with strange women?

    4. Anonymous Educator*

      Slightly off-topic, but I recently re-watched L’Appartement after more than 20 years to see if it holds up, and it does. Young Monica Bellucci, young Vincent Cassel. Very much a Vertigo vibe (though the plot lines are completely different). I’d highly recommend it.

    5. JxB*

      Sorry, I don’t remember the specifics of that movie. However, I’m pretty obsessed that as soon as I see a movie (e.g., on the way home) I start pulling up the notes on imdb.com and looking at triva, goofs, and discussions. You might check that out.

  35. CurrentlyLooking*

    Gift Ideas

    I was wondering if anyone had gift ideas for older relatives (slowing down physically and doesn’t need more stuff.)

    We have been doing theatre tickets and/or taking them out to a restaurant for the past few years. Any other good ideas out there?

    1. Lady Alys*

      Can you make a donation to a cause that they support? (Assuming it’s one that you are comfortable supporting…)

      1. Blue Eagle*

        No, no, no. A donation to a charity is NOT a gift (unless it is specifically requested). I have been giving gift certificates to a local handywoman to my elderly relatives and while the husband complains that he can fix things himself, the wife is greatly appreciative because then things actually get fixed.

    2. Kate*

      Grocery delivery or a month of house cleaning service? I love anything that gets me out of a chore. Also when’s the last time they replaced their winter coats? That’s always a thoughtful option.

      1. Trixie*

        +1 to housecleaning service or take care of exterior items if they own a house. I would love to do this for my mom at some point.

      2. Thursday Next*

        Especially if you’re accompanying them—it’s the gift of the experience plus your company.

    4. Ruby*

      Spa or salon treatment gift cards? Paid time for their media streaming service of choice? Subscription box for nice teas/cheeses/foodstuff of preference?

    5. epi*

      Warm clothes. A lot of older people get cold! My uncle used to give everyone socks every year. It sounds weird, but he went out of his way to get unique, extra warm ones and they’re always the best ones I own.

      My husband and I exchange gifts that are meant to facilitate having a good Christmas day. Pajamas, slippers, or a sweater to laze around in, a treat to eat, and an activity such as a new book or a game.

    6. Anona*

      Maybe a cozy blanket or slippers (I love the wicked good ones from llbean and I think they may be having a 25% off sale right now?)? Or I’ve gotten preprepared food from a gourmet grocery store before, or stuff from Omaha Steaks.

    7. Amerdale*

      If you live close enough to a river, maybe you could go on a one day cruise / trip. We did this last year as a whole family inclusing my grandmother and she loved it. She just had to walk on the ship and than could sit down for the trip so it wasn’t physically demanding but she could spend the whole day with her beloved great-grandchildren and saw some fancy castles and stuff (it was a trip on the Rhine and there’s an abundance of castles).

      And for Christmas she is always getting a snow clearing service for her external stairs and the sidewalk in front of her house. She loves that she doesn’t have to do it herself anymore.

    8. LilySparrow*

      Books and magazine subscriptions, and consumables like wine or fancy jams or coffee/tea.

      Depending on your budget, a subscription box might be nice.

    9. Small-town dr*

      My folks are in their 80’s. They still like to go out to high school band performances and Christmas parades for the grandkids. They also get cold easily. I got them battery powered heated down wraps that they can take anywhere.

    10. CurrentlyLooking*

      Thanks for all of the great ideas!

      (I am looking beyond the theatre tickets because as the parents get older it is harder for them to access – especially in the winter)

      1. fposte*

        Ah, I can see that. Definitely a dicey time of year for people with less mobility and physical stability.

    11. natty gann*

      Driveway plowing service subscription.
      If they like going to the theater, get them car service – nobody likes driving at night.

    12. Seeking Second Childhood*

      If your budget allows…my brother used to get an extra oil delivery for our elderly mom. She was a Great Depression baby, and hated the thought of turning up the heat. But she was old enough she really needed that extra warmth. So with per tank topped off by her son, she would turn up the heat and appreciate it as a gift. (And she stayed healthier in winter after that too!)

      If they use a woodstove, another thought is one of those cast-iron stovetop humidifiers. (I covet the dragon who steams out his nostrils LOL.)

    13. Jackie*

      A gift card to their favorite restaurant or a gas card would be nice but I think you should just keep taking them out to dinner. The gift of time and a free meal is a real treat for anyone.

  36. JxB*

    VENTING: THE OBNOXIOUS DINER
    My husband and I went to lunch to try out a local place always packed with cars. The food was good but the dining experience miserable. It’s a pretty loud place – all hard surfaces and a bar area on one end fairly open into the dining area. Most of the conversations blend into a general roar, except this one guy who SCREAMED every single comment. It was like when you are at a football game and someone calling across the crowd to get a friend’s attention. Every. Single. Word. I can’t believe he didn’t have a sore throat after awhile.

    He was two tables down and sitting with 2 other guys who spoke at a normal volume for the crowd, blending into the crowd. And he was a “talker” who dominated the conversation with his friends. Perhaps this guy was hard of hearing. I know my mom (who is) has difficult times in a noisy place. But being in the same area and enduring his non-stop screaming was horrible.

    He must be a regular as the waitresses just sort of smiled indulgently even during his monologue about how much the folks at the local strip club just love him and how often he goes. At one point he and his friends seemed to finish up and I sighed with relief, thinking we could finish our lunch in relative piece. But they simply moved a few steps away to the bar and started ordering drinks. Really, I tried to block it out, be charitable. But it was like an icepick to the brain every time he spoke/yelled.

    On the bright side, I don’t know this person and only had to survive an hour in his company. But it was frustrating.

    2. TurtleIScream*

      Was he also complaining about a recent date that didn’t go anywhere, even though he’s a “damn good catch”? He was two tables away from us at dinner the other night. He was even more jarring than the toddler who kept throwing toys at my head during my kid’s Christmas concert.

  37. LuJessMin*

    On Monday, weather forecasters in my area were forecasting Snowmageddon for Saturday. By Wednesday, Winter Weather Watches were issued and the populace goes nuts buying out stores. By Friday, all watches are cancelled and all of the precipitation is going to be south of my town. It’s fun watching the forecasters still trying to spin this in their favor. You were wrong, guys, just own up to it already.

    1. Rebecca (I am still Furious!!)*

      I got bitten by this a few weeks ago! They always call for Snow-ma-geddon here in Central PA, mostly, it doesn’t happen, like the times school is shut down the day before and we get a few flurries. I really didn’t believe we’d get more than 8″ of snow…but we got more than that. Ugh. I love the memes that show what weather we will probably get, like zero to 160″ of snow, anywhere from 30 to 60 degrees, maybe wind, maybe sun, it makes me smile. You’re right – just say, we didn’t forecast correctly. And stop naming storms when it snows in the winter! It’s winter! That’s what happens!

        1. fposte*

          I know–it seems like such a self-promoting thing. Like it’s one step away from stadium naming rights for storms.

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        If they’d just use ONE set of names I could deal better. But nooo we get competing nicknames!

    2. Elizabeth West*

      I always like to remind people that predicting the weather, even with science, is not an exact science. And LOL, that happened here too. We were supposed to get three or four inches and it’s not even raining. But hey, I was out of bread and milk anyway! ;)

  38. Detective Amy Santiago*

    Hi everyone! I haven’t been around on the weekend threads for a few weeks. Hope you are all well.

    Saw a new PCP a couple of weeks ago. Really liked her. The intake paperwork was very LGBT inclusive and she took the time to get to know me.

    She suggested cutting back my carbs to help me lose some weight and also wants me to lower my cholesterol, so I’m looking for low carb/low cholesterol meal/snack ideas. I’m also planning to start going swimming in January when I can buy a pool pass for the year because I need to exercise.

    1. StellaBella*

      Good on the pool! For low carb meals you can always do stir fry of like 10 green/red/yellow veggies and maybe a meat or tofu in a big pan. Plus easy to snack on veggies like snap peas and things like celery… try also to look up recipes online on sites like Delish or AllRecipes.

    2. fposte*

      For non-vegetable snacks: cheese is a deeply partisan issue, but it fills the bill. Less partisan are nuts, which get a lot of medical approval.

    3. Mimmy*

      No advice – just wanted to say hey! Good seeing you posting :)

      Although I too need to lose weight and improve my diet as my morning glucose numbers are horrible :( So I’ll be following this thread. I find it really hard to change habits, so hopefully you’ll have better luck.

      1. Detective Amy Santiago*

        I’m basically working on it in small steps. Like, my goal this week was to replace my breakfast sandwiches. I got egg whites, laughing cow cheese wedges, ready cooked bacon, and a bag of baby spinach and I’m going to make scrambled egg cups.

    4. cat socks*

      I recently found the blog kalynskitchen dot com that is all low carb recipes. Haven’t tried any recipes yet.

      I like chili without beans. Or ground beef for tacos on salad instead of taco shells. Blackened tilapia – I use the recipe from Once Upon a Chef. Also baked salmon with some olive oil, herbs and lemon juice. I’ll make roasted veggies as a side.

      In warmer weather I’ll grill chicken, pork chops, steak and serve with a salad or grilled veggies.

      Is hummus considered low carb? I like to take hummus and carrots to work for a snack. Not sure what the verdict is for eggs with regard to cholesterol, but I also like boiled eggs.

      1. cat socks*

        Also wanted to mention the site Skinnytaste. The recipes are labeled as low carb, keto, Whole30, etc.

      2. Detective Amy Santiago*

        The cholesterol in eggs is mostly in the yolk, so I picked up a carton of egg whites to use for breakfast.

        1. NattyGann*

          The yolk has most of the nutrients of an egg. The whole egg is only 70calories so eat the whole egg.

        2. ThatGirl*

          Dietary cholesterol doesn’t contribute to blood cholesterol. Saturated fat does. And eggs are pretty healthy as a whole, a complete protein and pretty low in calories. Just go easy on cheese.

      3. WellRed*

        Hummus is very high carb, though the fiber content offsets some of it (from a blood sugar perspective).

    5. Blue hair, don’t care*

      You don’t lower your cholesterol by eating lower cholesterol.
      Your body makes cholesterol from saturated fats. So you want to avoid the bad saturated fats. Also your body will use the ch9lesterol it makes to make bile to break down food. So eat high fiber and you will be reducing your body’s cholesterol.

      TL:DR. Eat Cheerios, avoid fried foods.

      1. Detective Amy Santiago*

        That is very helpful! New PCP did not mention that and I thought if I paid attention to labels, I’d be okay. Thank you.

        1. Blue hair, don’t care*

          Try using a food tracking app. – I like the my fitness pal o new baby, cause it has almost every food you can buy in its database, plus you can add your recipes and it figures out the values per serving.

          Don’t try to make a lot of big changes to your diet at once, just track what’s you normally eat and see what’s up with your normal intake of sugar, carbs, fats, proteins, etc. once you can see where you are, you can figure out which tweaks will get you on the road to where you want to be.

          For me the best changes turned out to be walking 20min a day and switching breakfast from cereal to one egg over easy with a small glass of homemade green juice, and a calcium supplement. I was able to eat my usual lunch/dinner with the exception being ratio change – now the veg takes up 1/2 the plate, the protein 1/3 and the grain 1/6.

      2. nonegiven*

        I did a test for myself once, my doctor told me that what I ate during the week before the blood draw affected my cholesterol results.

        So for a solid month before my blood draw, I ate low carb/high fat, probably 25% of my calories from just the saturated fat. I ate at least 3, sometimes 4 whole eggs a day, sometimes just the 4th yolk, bacon, sausage, the fatty parts of chops and roasts that I usually trimmed away, the skin from my chicken and from DH’s chicken, cream, butter, cheese on veggies, etc. My triglycerides were low, LDL still low, my HDL was 95. My doctor took one look at my results and said “you must be eating very, very low fat.”
        HA!

    6. NattyGann*

      Start walking. Nothing big, just walk 5 minutes a day. Every week add 5 minutes. Once you get up to 30 minutes, ever week walk a little faster. It’s okay to split the walking into two 15 minute sessions – just remember to keep the speed up.

      Avoid foods with added sugar (ie cookies, cakes, sauces, candy, drinks).

      That’s it.

    7. Jaid_Diah*

      Try switching up the grains. Teff has higher fiber, protein, minerals and a lower GI than most grains.

    9. Surrogate Tongue Pop*

      I used to swim laps (in my younger days) and without fail, found myself famished after a swim every time. So be aware of how your body is reacting to this type of exercise (it’s GREAT exercise…for joints, muscles, etc.). Plan your snacking accordingly, etc. post-exercise, if needed. And most of all, enjoy the benefits!

  39. Anonymouse for this*

    How do you get rid of a nuisance cat. There is another cat that keeps coming round my house, trying to get into the catflap and freaking out my cat – its a microchipped catflap so it can’t get in. They also fight if they’re both outside at the same time. It isn’t a stray – it’s one of the neighbours cats. I don’t think there is anything I can do but thought I’d ask. I have a tiny concrete yard and no way to put out anything like a motion activated sprinkler to deter him.

    1. fposte*

      There are air sprays for the same purpose–you just put the can out. You might put a few around the perimeter in your case.

    2. StellaBella*

      OMG I just left a house where this was a problem. The neighbour’s two cats were an issue for my indoor cat. I one time had a bucket of water out to clean off the patio and gently shook out the mop near one cat – never even got him wet but told him to go away. He steered clear after that. Also – I placed paper on the lower window areas so my cat could not see them – my cat flipped out twice and attacked me so I resorted to hiding the other cats from her as best as possible. Now we live in another place and it is much much better for my kitty.

    3. Ali G*

      You can buy synthetic predator urine. Put it where they are getting into your yard. Bonus: It will keep your kitty in your yard where it is safer :)

    4. Asenath*

      I was told rue is a cat-repellent, so I planted it outside the appropriate window. (This was back when I lived in a house with ground-level windows). It didn’t repel the cat that was annoying mine, but on the bright side, it appeared to be a tough plant because it survived my very basic gardening skills. I found a better solution, but it looked and smelled rather disgusting and washed away in the rain. It’s very rainy here. Take a liter (a quart will do; this isn’t a recipe where accuracy matters much) of water, an onion, a head (not a clove) of garlic, and some red pepper or cayenne or something similar. Puree in a blender. Sprinkle in the area frequented by the annoying cat. It’s very repellent.

    5. Wishing You Well*

      I put orange peels by the front door to get neighborhood cats from spraying there. It worked.
      Anything citrus might work.

    6. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I’ve read that lemon juice will keep cats from using a particular garden as their litter box.
      But before we did that we loaded up the supersoaker with vinegar water, kep the screen up, and got in a few stealthy bursts. That cat found another litter box.

    7. Anonymouse for this*

      Thanks for all the suggestions. This cat has no fear. I’ve tried waving it off with my arms or the broom and spraying the hose at it and it ran off to a safe distance and then comes back again a day or two later.

  40. Thanks For Nothing*

    I don’t always listen to Christmas music but when I do, I listen to parodies and humorous cover versions.

    Current favorite is Santa Baby sung by the Gay Men’s Chorus of Los Angeles. It adorable – sincere and silly all at once.

    1. Lcsa99*

      Parodies and cover versions of christmas songs are awesome. My husband went on and on again about how much he hates Winter Wonderland (he gets annoyed with it earlier every year) so I found him a death metal version on YouTube and now he doesn’t hate it quite so much.

      1. ExTexan*

        I am tired of the same old versions, but I do really like Flaco Jimenez and Freddy Fender’s version of “Frosty the Snowman” and their “gordito en su sombrerito!”

      2. LizB*

        My boyfriend is a big prog rock fan, so his play-on-repeat Xmas music is all prog covers, and I loooove them. I linked one of my faves in my name in this comment – it’s a rock mashup of Sleigh Ride / Winter Wonderland, and it’s amazing.

    2. moss boss*

      The Arrogant Worms had a holiday parody album. I remember it being quite palatable and also had the advantage of pissing off my mother (I was a teen when I picked that one up).

  41. Rebecca (I am still Furious!!)*

    The first thing I checked this morning was the Courthouse Roundup, and my divorce announcement wasn’t there, but there were 6 others from the same time frame :( I know it might seem silly, but I really wanted to see it in the newspaper. I’m going to check the printed version just in case it wasn’t picked up somehow online.

    I had a great day off from “W” yesterday, and rescued an ancient 1970’s era Fisher AM/FM stereo receiver/cassette tape recorder/turntable from Mom’s storage area, found the speakers, and by afternoon, had everything hooked up and working, and played a Pink Floyd album. Then I found the local classic rock station, and jammed out to 70’s and 80’s rock for the rest of the day. Had dinner with one of my friends at a new restaurant. Watched Fargo on Hulu. It was a great day. Mom was impressed that the old stereo still worked, and wasn’t happy about the loud music, but I figure, it drowns out cable news downstairs so we’re even. My ex pawned my albums years ago for gambling money, so I’m on the hunt to find replacements. Thrift stores around here have some, but not great ones, although I did score a Carpenters greatest hits, and it’s awesome. Just one of the things along the years that went missing, I’m convinced my wedding rings went the same route, and what really bothers me was my great Aunt’s gold wedding band, gone forever, so he could gamble for a few hours or minutes. I’m so glad to be finally rid of him.

    Funny story about the stereo – I couldn’t find the speaker wires, so I looked in the built in cabinet in the living room where it used to be, and discovered they were still in there. The TV was right there, so I muted it. Mom had it on cable news, and they were arguing about something, and I didn’t want to hear it. While I was half in the cabinet pulling wires, she asked what happened to her show, I told her I muted it for a few minutes while I fished out the speaker wire, as it was annoying, and she started in about the Russians, the book of Revelations in the bible, how I needed to read it, it’s happening, etc. Sighs. I said, right now, I’m just trying to pull out this old speaker wire, so that’s what I’m focused on. And now I’m on a mission to block certain shows on cable, and wish I could limit her choices to Hallmark movies and QVC, but she’d probably notice and fuss about that. I truly believe a week or so without cable news would do her a world of good.

    Today is traditionally laundry and grocery day. I need some groceries, and I know Mom will want to come along, so I’m laying down ground rules before we leave. I’ll let her come along, but she has to not rush me and if she’s done, she can sit on the bench at the front of the store for a few minutes until I’m done. I don’t lollygag in the store, I’m pretty efficient, but she likes to walk in, pick out one banana, and say “I’m done now” and it usually takes me 10 or 15 minutes to gather my items. If she can’t abide by that, I’ll take her, and then go back to town on my own. And I have to talk to her about yelling at me in the store. She’s fond of yelling “REBECCA” at the top of her lungs, waving her hand at me, and yelling, “I’m going down this aisle”. OK, Mom. Other people my age give me sympathetic looks. As far as other people who give me that “what is wrong with her” look, your time will come, LOL!!

    Also, my daughter introduced me to Brandless, and I placed an initial order in October. Very pleased with the selections and quality, and for someone who lives in a rural area with very few grocery buying options (aside from driving 45 minutes one way to get to what you all would consider normal stores), it’s a really great option. Plus there was a Groupon today for $20 for two $20 vouchers. So, I got free shipping and a nice discount on my second order. I’m trying to expand my food choices, and while I eat real food, and not too much pre-processed foods, I want to try new things and get out of the meat, vegetable, potato rut. I made salmon with their teriyaki sauce, and it was quite good.

    I’m still reading The Chronicles of Narnia, now on book 4, and started “What Alice Forgot” by Liane Moriarty. What an interesting premise!

    So all in all, things are OK. Christmas is coming. I put up a Christmas tree last Sunday with items scrounged from storage, found a 6 1/2′ artificial tree, it’s all decorated, lights are on a timer so they come on when it gets dark out and go off at 10:30 PM, and so far the cats have batted off one plastic ornament, so that’s a win. I haven’t had a Christmas tree for years, and now I want one. It really makes me feel good to look at it. Mom thought it should be thrown away because it’s so old, from the late 1970’s, but it’s actually a nice looking tree!

    On the Mom front, she got her prescription filled for .5 mg of lorazepam, but refuses to take it unless she’s been awake for hours and hours, because she doesn’t want to become addicted. She will be 83 next week. She has insomnia. She is miserable, and a retired RN, so I can’t sneak it to her, tell her it’s for something else, etc. like my friends do with their parents. No amount of me talking to her about this makes any difference. So I just smile and listen to her ramble on about her health problems, and gently remind her from time to time she has the tools to help herself.

    Off to get on with my day. I’m sleeping better, feel better, and generally have a good outlook. Working toward getting Mom settled in some sort of senior housing so I can get out of rural PA. That’s my goal for 2019.

    1. Ali G*

      What Alice Forgot – is that the one where she passes out, wakes up and thinks it’s 10 years earlier? If so – I liked that book! If not, I’ll have to figure out which one that was. If you like Liane Moriarty, you will like it.

      1. Rebecca (I am still Furious!!)*

        Yes! She falls off her spin cycle @ spin class, wakes up, and she has forgotten the past 1o years. I like Liane Moriarty books, have listened to several of them since “Big Little Lies”. That was a book group selection last summer, I went with my friend while I was staying at her house, in hopes it would help me meet people.

        2. Detective Amy Santiago*

          Oooh, I have a fondness for memory loss stories so I will have to add that one to my list.

      2. Nita*

        I just re-read that book a couple of weeks ago! Very interesting. Ever since I read it, I keep reminding myself to look at the people in my life with “young Alice” eyes once in a while.

    3. Wishing You Well*

      Wow. I hope 2019 is a great year for you.
      Would melatonin be appropriate for your mom for sleep? 1.5 mg might work wonders (half a pill).
      Be sure you understand Pennsylvania’s filial responsibility law BEFORE your mom is in senior housing. You could be responsible for her bill. Just a heads up.
      Really cheering for you!

    4. AnonyNurse*

      Benzos like lorazepam can be … not great … for elders, and they really aren’t sleep aides even though they cause some people to become drowsy. They can cause paradoxical effects, make falls more likely, etc. Her hesitance may be warranted. 5 mg is a low dose, but lorazepam is a stronger drug in the class. Our elders often need less sleep, so in almost armchair un-diagnosing, does she have insomnia or a reduced need for sleep and boredom?

      Sorry if you weren’t really asking for advice but rather sympathy — you have that, too. It’s frustrating to watch a loved one age and not be able to “fix” things or be able to help in the ways you wish you could. And I know one day I’ll be the retired nurse whose old tricks don’t work anymore.

      1. Rebecca (I am still Furious!!)*

        Mom’s had insomnia for years. She has a lot of anxiety, and feels stressed and anxious about things that many people don’t give another thought about. She won’t take meds. She won’t go to counseling. She won’t do anything but watch cable news and scary televangelists. Me, I’d take whatever I had to in order to get some sleep. I simply couldn’t function, but she doesn’t have to work, so if she doesn’t sleep, then sleeps off and on during the next day, it’s not a problem for her. I just keep an eye on her and hope for the best!

      2. Observer*

        Lorazepam may not be a sleep aid, but for people with high anxiety it can work wonders. Because the REAL problem for them (or at least one of them) is that their anxiety keeps them from sleeping.

    5. Gatomon*

      Been following your updates for a while, and every week I check back hoping you’ve gotten your divorce announcement — hopefully next week is the week!

      Also thanks for the Brandless plug… I’m excited to try their GF pizza crust!

      1. Rebecca (I am still Furious!!)*

        My divorce is final, I have the paperwork, but am somehow fixated on seeing in the newspaper! Sighs. I really wanted it to be in the paper. Maybe next week. If not then, they probably will have missed it, and I’m really tempted to call the newspaper and make sure the reporter picks it up at some point!!

        1. nonegiven*

          Is it possible that someone putting a rush on getting it signed put it off of the list that the newspaper gets?

        2. Chi chan*

          If it is important to you, call the newspaper and put in an announcement yourself. Buy it. I don’t think it will be very costly.

    6. Best cat in the world*

      I missed your update last week so I’m really glad everything’s finally sorted! You sound really upbeat (to me at least) in this one, I hope you have a great end to 2018 and that 2019 is the year you want it to be and deserve :)

  42. Ali G*

    Oh and a question. Any ideas for over ripe bananas that isn’t banana bread or smoothies? I have 2. I don’t eat them once they are really ripe. I could compost them, but I’d rather use them for something.

    1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Faux ice cream with frozen overripe bananas plus other ingredients of your choice (fruit, chocolate, etc). Put in blender and it’s the consistency of soft serve.

    4. JxB*

      You can peel, wrap in foil and place in the freezer to save until you have a need or eat the frozen banana. I have one of those Yonanas machines that shaves pure frozen fruit into a delicious ice cream-like dessert. Loud to make, but delicious! And bananas tend to be the base for a lot of the recipes/combinations.

      You can mash the banana and mix with a beaten egg and vanilla. Either cook like scrambled eggs or like silver dollar pancakes (may need to thin with a bit of milk). Makes a yummy oatmeal-like substitute or flourless pancake substitute.

    6. An Elephant Never Baguettes*

      Pancakes! Mashed bananas, flour, milk, eggs. I like to eat them savoury with sour cream and pepper, but they work sweet as well.

      1. Jasnah*

        You can even skip flour and milk, just 2 eggs and a ripe banana to make a pancake that’s mostly omelettey and you don’t feel like death after.

    7. epi*

      They can be added to oatmeal to thicken it up and sweeten it. My husband likes it that way in overnight oats.

      A friend once made some into a dessert dip, with sprinkles. (You could do fruit instead and skip the candy if you want.)

      1. JxB*

        Yes, baked oatmeal is delicious. There are a ton of recipes and the result can have the consistency of anything from a soft granola bar to bread pudding. Note many of the recipes are high fat, high sugar. Others are more healthful and substitute mashed banana or applesauce for the fat so look for on of those to use up your banana. Mashed banana can often be substitutes for oil (like 1 cup = 1 cup) in baking recipes.

    10. bananarama*

      My fav is to cook the bananas, just put them in a pan on low, and they’ll caramelize naturally and so yummy.

        1. bananarama*

          No, maybe a bit of water on the pan. Bananas have a lot of sugar and they get all soft and warm and gooey. I suppose you could add some brown sugar but I find them sweet enough without it.

  43. Anonymooseketeer*

    Anonymous confession thread.

    I’m not nearly as hard of hearing as my spouse thinks I am. The tinnitus comes and goes, so I can “hear” important things, but can safely ignore the constant stream of consciousness.

    1. t.i.a.s.p.*

      HA HA HA — I have a touch of hearing loss, and I definitely ignore my spouse sometimes and pretend it’s because I didn’t hear him.

    2. Foreign Octopus*

      I do that as well. I’m not at all hard of hearing but I always take a book with me wherever I go and if I have to wait for more than 30 seconds, I whip it out; it comes with me on public transport journeys and the works, even if I’m travelling with other people. Because everyone is so used to me having my nose in a book, they assume that I’m just engrossed in the story and forget that I can actually hear what they’re saying. I never repeat it but the amount of personal information that’s given out around me is astonishing.

      I’ve learned that my grandfather was cheating on my grandmother; my sister-in-law got an abortion; a friend was stealing money from another friend; and the various ins and outs of one person’s sex life.

    3. Snow Drift*

      My husband likes to pull the “wait until you’re walking away and then start monologuing” thing, as if I’m supposed to run back into the room and fawn over every word that falls from his lips. I just keep going and pretend I didn’t hear him. I don’t have time for that sheet.

  44. Jessen*

    Had to put down a very sweet kitty this week. I’ve been really impressed with how everyone who’s not my family has been supportive and helpful. I’m really annoyed that I was thinking “how do I manage my mother’s feelings about this” at the time.

    I foresee much more limited contact in our future. This is just ridiculous.

      1. Jessen*

        It’s not. She was a very good kitty. I still look for her behind the door coming home. She’d always wait for me behind the door so she could get all the love and scratches right then.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      That seems to be an indicator when they can’t handle our pet’s passing. I had a relative scream into the phone then hang up when I mentioned I lost a pet. Relative’s meltdown was in some ways worse than losing the pet. I think because I understood the pet was old and not healthy verses I thought the relative was fairly young and in reasonable health. So her meltdown surprised me. Noooo, it shocked me. I did not expect such a poor reaction from an adult. I can deal with a teary eye, I can deal with reminiscing about their own pets but I cannot deal with being screamed at and having the phone slammed down in my ear.

      Very sorry about your kitty. And I am even sorrier about your mother. Some people just don’t have it in them. You are correct in sticking with the supportive, proactive folks.

      1. Jessen*

        Yeah – my mother is the sort that would make all the right noises but it would just somehow end up being all about her. She has a history of trying to force “support” on me without any regard at all for whether it’s actually helping and in contradiction to any requests I make (and treating those requests as somehow selfish/hurtful to her). And I know all that “support” will be a reason for guilt tripping later.

        It looks nice, but the whole thing makes me feel like a bit player in her drama of being the good mommy.

    3. Wishing You Well*

      Very sorry about your kitty. It was so hard to lose mine.
      It’s also sad when one has to put a relative on an “information diet”. However, it’s a good, solid technique and can actually make life easier.
      Best of Luck going forward!

    4. LondonBridges*

      So sorry about your kitty. My parents had to put down our sweet old girl last month while I was four hours away and couldn’t come home to say goodbye. Wishing all the best for you moving forward.

  45. Free Meerkats*

    I probably shouldn’t be as annoyed with my cable provider as I am over a minor change. They changed the fonts on the menus and info pages and it’s harder to read. Why do user interface people feel the need to change things for the sake of change? I see this on a lot of things; works great, then an update rolls out and things are changed with no change in functionality. Maybe you should all get off my lawn while I yell at a cloud… :-)

    1. Rebecca (I am still Furious!!)*

      Sympathy!! I need to figure out in Hulu how to make the font bigger! I realize I’m at the older end of the spectrum, and need bifocals, but geez, I have to practically stand on the TV set to read the descriptions! It’s not like I can hit Ctrl + to make it bigger (well, I haven’t actually tried…sooo…)

    3. LCL*

      One of my crank topics that once I get on I won’t stop is how the visual part of the user interface for modern tech is mostly absolute sh@#. It’s not designed from a user point of view at all. The need of the technology has driven the design instead of the needs of the end user. Consumer tech or specific to a trade, cheap ass displays are the default. I made this point at a tech show of specialized equipment. The rep laughed and said we do offer a bigger more readable display, tell your company to buy it. He showed me the example. I told our engineers and they laughed at me. End user techs telling engineers what to buy amuses them.

      That’s why it can be impossible to teach people of my mom’s generation to use modern tech. They can’t read the displays. Now get off my lawn!

    4. Ktelzbeth*

      Make functional changes, not cosmetic ones! And specifically functional changes that make the function better, not just different! Now get off my lawn!

  46. sorbus*

    As I mentioned in the Friday open thread, I thought I had a bad UTI for the past two weeks but it turns out all cultures have been negative and it’s not a UTI. I’m seeing my primary care doctor on Monday but I don’t have an appointment with a urologist yet; everyone seems to be booked up for the holidays until January.

    I haven’t been able to sleep through the night or work through a whole day since Tuesday because of the pain.

    Does anyone have any words of encouragement that this condition, whatever it might be, will get better?

    1. AnonaLady*

      I once thought I had a UTI and it was not; it was a weak bladder that I had to do kegals (I think that’s what they were) for. I’ve had an overactive bladder all my life I think. I don’t think starting kegals will harm anything until you can see a doc so I’d suggest those. And I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.

      1. Jen Erik*

        Randomly – and I think it’s a reasonably rare thing – my daughter was told last week by her gynecological physio that she must never do Kegels because her pain comes from overworked pelvic floor muscles that are trying hard to compensate for a wonky spine. (It’s the exception that proves the rule.) If there’s any chance that there might be muscular issues, it might be worth checking with a physio first.

        Other daughter has essentially an irritable bladder, and as everyone else has said, cutting out things like coffee and cola make a huge difference. She can’t have anything with artificial sweeteners. (And drinking lots, because that dilutes the urine in the bladder, making it less likely to cause irritation.)

        I hope you feel better soon.

    2. fposte*

      In my 40s, I developed an incredibly food-sensitive bladder that was initially diagnosed as a bad UTI. It took a while to settle down, but now it’s fine as long as I’m careful with intake. OTC Pyridium was helpful as well.

    3. Parenthetically*

      Are you pregnant? At the end of my pregnancy I had horrible pain that the doctors initially thought was a raging UTI but turned out to be a serious pregnancy complication.

    4. OperaArt*

      My similar symptoms were ultimately diagnosed as interstitial cystitis. I keep it under control through dietary restrictions. You may have another problem, but since you’re going to have to wait to see a urologist, it might be useful for you to try the same diet.

      Look up “interstitial cystitis diet” and limit yourself to the “safe for most people” column since you might be in the middle of a flare up.
      I’m at a point where I can—carefully—eat a little of almost anything. But any hint of symptoms, I’m back to the safe zone.

      Good luck.

      1. OperaArt*

        Adding to say, in mid flare-up, I avoid coffee, tea, chocolate, anything acidic (citris, vinegar, tomatoes, onions, and products containg those), anything spicy (even pepper). I also keep salt and soy to a minimum. Drink lots of water, which might sound counterintuitive when one is already running to the toilet every 15 minutes. Avoid the more acidic apples and berries.
        I don’t know if this will help you, but it might.

    5. Anon IC*

      This was how I was eventually diagnosed with Severe Interstitial Cystitis, which is basically tears in the lining of your bladder. Not saying this is what you have, but if it is you want to avoid foods that irritate your bladder and drink LOTS of water, like so much your pee is always clear. When I was having my initial symptoms and thought I had a really bad UTI, I loaded up on cranberry juice which is very acidic and made my symptoms way worse. For short term, temporary relief you may want to try those AZO Urinary Pain Relief pills that turn your pee orange, but be aware these only mask your symptoms and you need to continue seeing a doctor to find out what’s going on.

    6. Wishing You Well*

      I am so sorry you’re going through this!
      Try drinking only water (no coffee, tea, soda, alcohol) for 3 days. If it helps, keep it up. Also, try bland food – eliminate all types of peppers, herbs and spices for 3 days. See if that helps.
      It’s possible you have Interstitial Cystitis. MANY foods and drinks can cause flairs. There are prescriptions and therapies for this condition, including pelvic floor physical therapy.
      However, you need a real diagnosis from a urologist.
      Godspeed.

    7. WG*

      As some of the others have mentioned, interstitial cystitis is one possible condition that mimics UTIs. Some research over the years has indicated there could be several subtypes of IC, each with different symptoms and treatments. You may want to research a bit in your own prior to the appointment with the urologist. While IC is more well known than it used to be, there are still some urologists that aren’t as familiar as they should be. The IC Association and IC Network are reputable resources.

      But the diet noted above can help reduce symptoms if you do have IC. There is a dietitian with a Facebook page (Confident Choices) that seems to have reasonable dietary information related to the IC diet.

      Hope your symptoms subside soon and the urologist can quickly determine the actual cause.

    8. I’m tired*

      I had endometriosis landing on my bladder causing a UTI type response. Once the endometriosis was lasered away, the “UTI” was cured!

    9. StrikingFalcon*

      I weirdly enough turned out to have Crohn’s disease when this happened to me – the inflammation in my bowel was irritating my bladder (but not producing typical digestive symptoms). Not a typical cause, but a possible one. I hope it is nothing chronic for you and it gets better soon! And I hope you get in to see a good doc, the urologist I saw was absolutely terrible.

      1. sorbus*

        Oh yikes, I have Crohn’s (currently in remission) and it would be crazy if this was another flare.

    10. Annony*

      I thought I had a UTI, but the dip test in the office came out negative. However, they sent it out to culture and a week later the dr called and said I did have a uTI . So it could still be the case. I hope you feel better soon

  47. AvonLady Barksdale*

    We are expecting snow in my city late tonight and into tomorrow, turning to rain/ice. I live in a city where this happens so little we don’t really have the infrastructure to manage it, so the entire city shuts down, basically. This means my plans for tomorrow are cancelled and I will likely work from home on Monday. And you know what? I am looking very forward to it. If my power stays on, I will get to spend most of the day playing with the new pasta roller and cutter attachments my SIL gave me for Chanukah.

    There will be ravioli. There will be fettucine. There may even be homemade ramen!

    1. Detective Amy Santiago*

      Are you in NC? I heard they were expecting snow this weekend.

      Homemade pasta sounds awesome!

    3. Emily*

      Your plans sound delightful! Have fun and stay safe!

      I grew up in Raleigh and my parents are still there, so I’ll be curious to hear from them tonight about how things look in their neighborhood.

  48. I'm A Little Teapot*

    I have plans for this weekend. I need to finish the ceiling painting, paint the stripes in the living room, put the house back together, and put up the Christmas tree.
    I am currently sitting on the couch under a blanket. Send motivation please?

    1. Ali G*

      If I can clean my absolutely embarrassingly disgusting bathroom, you can do this! It took me 2 hours. Yeah it was bad.

    2. Wishing You Well*

      There’s the 5-minute technique – work on a chore for 5 minutes. It’ll get you started and you might voluntarily keep going longer. Set up your favorite tunes, too.
      Other than that, lots of coffee maybe?

      1. I'm A Little Teapot*

        Problem is these aren’t 5 minute things, and you can’t just put it down. I spent an hour painting the ceiling, and will probably spend 1.5-2 hours on the walls. I did get the ceiling painted though! at least one coat, probably need to do another.

  49. Foreign Octopus*

    Book thread!

    What’s everyone reading this week?

    I’m on the last 100 pages of A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara – a gift from my brother last Christmas that I’ve just got around to as I had a long train journey yesterday – and it has delivered emotional punch after emotional punch. I haven’t been this captivated by a book in years. It’s really hard reading (particularly around the middle), not because her writing is bad but what she is writing about is so awful; I was on the train when I actually felt myself start to cry and I never cry at books.

    I’m glad I’m reading it but this is going to be a book that stays with me for a very long time, and I’ll definitely be recommending it to everyone (so go out and read it!).

    1. Villanelle*

      Whilst I didn’t actively dislike A Little Life, I wouldn’t re-read it or it be one I particularly recommend to others either. It’s just relentless. It’s a rather marmite book.

      To answer your question: I just finished reading “Five Days of Fog” by Anna Freeman, which is a novel set in the Great Smog in London in 1952 about Florrie who is part of a female gang (based on the Forty Elephant Gang).

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        I can definitely see your point on it being marmite for people. I loved it though, although the middle of the book where Caleb makes his appearance: that was hard for me to read and does make me more cautious about recommending it. I think “relentless” is a perfect descriptor of it.

        I’ve just finished it and I was relieved with the conclusion to Jude’s story. I think I actually breathed a sigh of relief that it was over.

    2. HannahS*

      I read One Thousand Beginnings and Endings, I think it’s called. It’s an anthology of short stories inspired by East and South Asian myths. It included blurbs at the end of each story from each author explaining the original myth and their process in re-imagining it, which I appreciated. The quality of the stories was uneven but it was refreshing to read instead of yet another re-imagining of Greek myth where Persephone chooses to stay because Hades is so, so sexy. I got it from the library and thought it was worth reading.

    3. Reba*

      I’ve been reading The Sparrow by Mary Doria Russell for several weeks. It’s SO good but also SO, SO SAD that I’ve been taking breaks :) Technically a space novel, it’s really about faith and love.

      Some of my best break reading has been The Ladies of Grace Adieu, short stories by Susanna Clarke of Jonathan Strange and Mister Norrell; and the Comet Seekers by Helen Sedgwick, also very sad but sweet, interesting historical bits, unconventional but easy read.

      1. Sparrow*

        The Sparrow is one of my all-time favorite books and part of the inspiration for my commenting name :)

        1. Reba*

          Aw, hi! I’m so glad that I found it browsing in the bookstore recently. I was totally unaware of it and the author.

    4. ScotKat*

      Unfortunately, I didn’t like A Little Life. It’s like modern-day Jude the Obscure but even more depressing. I’m still not sure what the point of the story was. I did enjoy when she wrote about the other characters, and felt she could have expanded on them a lot more.

      I’m in the midst of picking my next book to read… I’ll keep an eye here for suggestions!

        1. Merci Dee*

          I had to read Jude the Obscure in high school, and good lord …… it was all I could do not to burn that book half way through. Jude’s life made the book of Job look like a walk in the park. At least Job kept a good attitude about his adversity!

      2. Foreign Octopus*

        I’ve never read Jude the Obscure as I’m not a huge Hardy fan, but this was a depressing book. I’m really impressed with the author though (her writing is amazing, but she also has 12,0000 books in her flat and that just makes me like a person).

        If you haven’t read anything by Donna Tartt, I really recommend The Goldfinch – it’s a big book that I couldn’t put down; a little heavy though.

        If you fancy something lighter, The Bone Clocks by David Mitchell – so far it’s the only one of his that I’ve really enjoyed; Cloud Atlas was incomprehensible to me.

        And good luck. Now that I’ve finished with A Little Life I have no idea what I’m going to read next either.

        1. ScotKat*

          I think we have opposite book tastes! I’ve read most of The Goldfinch but I put it down and never finished it. I didn’t dislike it, but it wasn’t interesting enough for me to remember to finish it, which hardly ever happens. Her writing is lovely, but I much preferred The Secret History. And I loved Cloud Atlas, but I found The Bone Clocks a bit ‘jumping the shark’. Number9dream is a great Mitchell book too, very Murakami-esque.

          1. Foreign Octopus*

            I think we do as well!

            I’ve actually just read The Secret History this week as I’d been saving it for my holiday, and whilst I liked it, I felt that The Goldfinch was better. Having read the latter one, I could see that The Secret History was her first book and it felt less polished. Although I still enjoyed it. I never quite got the point of Julian though: judging from the blurb on the back, I had thought he would have been a bigger and more influential character than he was.

            For me, The Bone Clocks was the first of his that I read so maybe it’s coloured the rest of them for me but, and here our tastes differ again, I’ve never been able to get on with Murakami despite owning all of his books.

            1. rogue axolotl*

              Just sticking my oar in here as The Secret History is one of my all-time favourites. I think maybe you have to be able to sympathize with Richard to a certain extent to fully get into it (which is probably not really a great thing–but I find something about his mix of pretension and insecurity very understandable). Personally I totally got the appeal of Julian and I think he’s an interesting, enigmatic and slightly sinister figure. He makes perfect sense to me in the context of the book as a whole. But I still think Henry is the most interesting character.

    5. Tort-ally HareBrained*

      Thanks to whomever encouraged me to stick with Laurie King’s Mary Russell series. It took me almost a week to read #2 but I read #3 in just two days. Using a cool rainy Saturday to read #4 and maybe 5.

    6. Book Lover*

      Down among the sticks and bones by Seanan McGuire. I don’t like it as much as the first, but of course it isn’t a sequel, it is a prequel if anything….

      1. Someone Else*

        I’m about to start the third one. I have no idea if it’s also a prequel or if it goes forward this time.

    7. Llellayena*

      I have to start a 1000 page monstrosity called “The big book of science fiction: the ultimate collection” this weekend so I can finish it in time for my book club in a week and a half. Fortunately it’s short stories and we have a selected list, so not the whole book. But if I get interested, I might end up reading it all!

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        Oh my god, right?

        It was just relentless suffering for Jude with occasional patches of brightness. Even “The Happy Years” were tinged with unhappiness. But you’re right, it felt so real – particularly his friendship with JB. I thought that was expertly done.

        1. Someone Else*

          One of my favourite things about that book is that all four of the main four (and frankly most of the characters) all feel like fully fleshed out real humans.

    9. catsaway*

      I read a good new fantasy book called City of Brass. It takes place across the Middle East but where genies etc are real. The sequel is coming out in early 2019 and I’ve very excited.
      I also finally got out from the library Tana French’s new book. I really liked it but I can see why I’ve seen some mixed reviews. The protagonists is pretty unlike-able but I found the story about someone who’s inability to see outside of his own point of view lead to trail of destruction behind him, while he still see himself as a perfectly nice guy who did nothing wrong.

    10. Julia*

      I finally started Uprooted by Naomi Novik (thank you, long commute) and so far, I don’t like it too much, but I’ll see if it gets better. Before that, I finished Starfish by Akemi Dawn Bowman and really liked it, although the writing style took some getting used to.

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        I actually enjoyed Uprooted because it was a standalone fantasy book that I thought was well-written. It’s not one that’s really stayed with me though, although I have always remembered the author’s name.

        1. Julia*

          I guess at this point I’m wondering, why does he lock her in the tower and make her wear fancy clothes?

    11. Overeducated*

      I’m reading Blackfish City by Sam Miller. Picking up a lot of climate change dystopia sci fi lately. This is a decent read, not amazingly memorable.

    12. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I’m in need of comfort so I’m rereading christmas themed short stories & novellas by Connie Willis and Janet Kagan. (From separate books. Looking at my sentence I now imagine an alternate reality where they collaborated…that I would have loved to have read.) I have a collection with “Just like the ones we used to know”, “Inn”, and “Epiphany” by Connie Willis. Can’t find the volume with her “All Seated on the Ground.”
      And my great favorite “Butterfly Wingding” by Janet Kagan. I’m again debating whether this is the year I let myself read “The Nutcracker Coup” …it’s the last piece published by Janet Kagan that I haven’t read.

  50. Rebecca (I am still Furious!!)*

    Second post – Mom thing – so Mom is the Health Police, Food Police, and generally every other kill joy police rolled into one person, truly, a buzz kill. Always has been. This week, she was the victim of her own health policing. She opened a can of tuna to try to tempt her cat to eat, didn’t work, so she had a partial can of tuna left over. She boiled noodles, added the tuna, and half a can of healthy choice cream of chicken soup, and called it tuna noodle casserole. It was awful, dry, bland and tasteless, well, except for the fishy tuna flavor. I asked her how she made it, she finally admitted it, and I said, well, that’s why it doesn’t taste good. She got snippy with me, as in “I don’t eat all that fat” and “My food is very healthy”. Yep, keep telling yourself that. She threw it out, after she tried to get me to eat it. Uh, no thanks. Life’s too short to eat non-comforting comfort food.

    1. Nerdgal*

      I really think some people just have underactive taste buds. I used to know someone like that. Swore that regular and fat free ranch dressing tasted the same, etc.

    2. strangebuttrue*

      Of course it wasn’t that good. You use cream of mushroom soup. Heat tuna and soup together and put over cooked noodles. And only use tuna in water.

    3. Wishing You Well*

      An in-law used huge amounts of crushed potato chips instead of noodles for her tuna casserole. It was good but deadly!

    4. ..Kat..*

      And now she has a half can of cream of chicken soup left over! What is she going to make to use that up? Shudder.

      1. Rebecca (I am still Furious!!)*

        I don’t eat anything she cooks, unless I’m standing right there and see what goes into it. I’ve been deceived too many times, like the time I thought I was biting into what looked like an awesome chocolate chip cookie. It looked like a chocolate chip cookie, but she substituted so much stuff it was basically tasteless and awful. Carob chips, prune paste (instead of butter), egg white, whole wheat flour, Splenda, and not much of that at all, oh it was terrible. I could barely choke down the bite I took, and flatly refused to eat the rest of the “cookie” I took. She actually defended this by saying it was healthy, and she didn’t eat “all those bad things”. Oh. My. God. It’s a cookie! It’s supposed to taste good!

        I’ve come to the conclusion she feel so morally superior to everyone that she is a terrible food taste martyr. Not me. If I’m going to eat a cookie, or have a piece of cake, I want to enjoy it!

  51. GhostWriter*

    I have a medical/health related question.

    A small patch of skin in front of one of my ears gets super scaly/flaky and sometimes itchy. It’s been there for about a year. My dermatologist gave me a steroid cream that I used for two months to no avail. My mom gave me an expired but stronger steroid and that cleared it up to the point that it wasn’t scaly anymore and was just red skin. When I stopped using the stronger steroid the scaly/flaky skin came back, so now I use the steroid for a while, then stop, then go back to it, stop, etc. The dermatologist did a biopsy recently because she thought it might be a fungal infection, but the results say it’s not so she thinks it’s probably just a pimple or lesion. It’s obviously not a pimple and I don’t know how to treat a “lesion” that won’t go away.

    Anyone have any suggestions on what it could be or how to treat it?

    1. fposte*

      I’d go to see a different dermatologist, for one.

      But lots of dermatitis is chronic. Skin’s gonna skin. This may be eczema/seborrheic dermatitis that your skin’s prone to, so you may want to ask about a maintenance regimen rather than thinking in terms of a cure.

    2. Myrin*

      This sounds exactly like the patch of skin I have between my eye – eyebrow – nose. Like, exactly. Small patch of skin, scaly/flaky, sometimes itchy, often red. In my case, it’s a chronic eczema. I’ve had it for three years now and it’s highly unlikely it’ll ever go away. Thankfully, I don’t really feel it usually other than the occasional itchiness (in the winter more often than in the summer, but that’s apparently typical for people who live in my area), in which case I use a thin layer of hydro-cortisone ointment, which helps basically instantly.
      I’m not a fan of internet-diagnosing but from what you’ve described, I’d honestly bet that this is the same thing you have.

    3. Free Meerkats*

      I have something similar. I use coal tar shampoo (T-Gel or generic) for it. Also for the scaly patches I get in my beard. My dermatologist is totally on board with this treatment, her view is that it’s cheap and effective. I use it a couple of times a week.

      1. BRR*

        It sounds like my psoriasis but I think a lot of dermatological conditions have similar sounding symptoms. I second fposte in see a different dermatologist. Also be careful about using too strong of a steroid on your ear since it’s thinner skin.

      2. Everdene*

        I have a psoriasis patch behind one ear, it has been there for about 25 years. The only thing that have significantly helped was a morphine IV (not for the psoriasis). Any prescription I wa given had a minimal short term impact so the last 5 or so years I’ve just used Clinique Moisture Surge, I thoroughly recommend it as a management tool. I even keep a mini pot in my car as traffic jams make it worse. Good luck.

    5. Gigglemesh*

      Give Cetaphil lotions a try, they’re my go-to because of how gentle they are. Since it’s so severe, I’d recommend trying the more heavy duty face night creme. If Myrin is right and it’s eczema related, it’s likely to help! [I too have eczema]

    6. Foreign Octopus*

      When I was about 11 or 12, I had a severe allergic reaction to some cheap gold earrings I wore after I had my ears pierced. All of the skin behind my ear when red, sticky, itchy, and flaky: the doctor prescribed Betnovate cream and it worked brilliantly for my condition.

    7. AnonyNurse*

      Be careful with steroids around the face. They can permanently lighten your skin. I’ve had psoriasis since I was a child (lucky kid…), and the skin above my wrist is an entirely different color than the rest of my arm, in the shape of my first patches of it. That spot largely resolved, so now I have psoriasis in other places AND a weirdly colored inner forearm. And I agree with the advice to go to a different derm, or even a PCP who likes derm. The biopsy should have had provided an answer!! And sometimes specialists want to make it more complicated than it has to be (the “don’t look for zebras” metaphor).

    9. Observer*

      See another dermatologist. But you can also try chamomile cream and aloe gel. The real stuff (with minimal or no other stuff) can be shockingly useful.

  52. Persephone Mulberry*

    Hardwood floors: how do you keep them clean? I have two cats and an 11-year-old and I feel like I am constantly sweeping. All my previous homes have been wall to wall carpet except for kitchens/bathrooms/foyers, and I vacuumed regularly but I feel like bare floors look bad so much faster.

    1. Asenath*

      I love hard floors – mine are actually laminate, but the principle is the same. I got a roomba and run it regularly, and it gets them clean enough to suit me. I am not a meticulous housewife, so YMMV.

    2. I'm A Little Teapot*

      I run the vacuum in floor mode (no beater bar), it picks up a lot of it. But yes, wood floors show all the dust so much more. The darker the finish, the more it shows. I will periodically use a damp mop to go over all of it, just with plain water. (Wring out the mop really well.) It’ll pick up a ton of the dust, and since it’s plain water it’s not adding any buildup on the floors.

      1. Luisa*

        I try to vacuum my hardwood floors weekly as well, and I’ll sweep particularly dirt-attracting areas (ex. near the front and back doors) as often as needed. I like the idea of mopping with just water and might try that out for dirt/dust/pet hair reduction. I need to get a dry mop (we used to use a Swiffer but I’d like to switch to something with a washable pad/head).

        Our last place with carpet was 3 residences ago, and it was this cheap, scratchy, ugly stuff that made me swear off carpet – but man, I noticed so much less dirt and grime then compared to my wood floors.

        1. fposte*

          It’s the tradeoff, isn’t it? Is it better to have the dirt but not see it, or to clean it up more often and have less dirt? Most of the time I’m in the first camp, but for some reason with floors I’m in the second.

          I use reusable bamboo cloths on my Swiffer head; they last through a few washings and then I recycle them. You could probably use microfiber cloths and they’d last even longer.

        3. Valancy Snaith*

          Yes! There are microfiber duster heads available that fit a Swiffer, they pop up frequently at craft shows, dollar stores, buy-and-sell groups, etc., and they’re very handy and collect a job lot of dirt.

    3. Ali G*

      I just got a Roomba and it is life changing. I found it on super sale ($150 off) on Amazon during cyber Monday week (actually the Sunday before). If you can pony up for it, I highly recommend it. I can control mine with my phone. It just finished sweeping my bedroom!

    4. Koala dreams*

      Your are supposed to get some kind of polish to make them look better and more clean. So maybe you can look for that? You can also put in some rugs to break up the colour of the floor. I just vacuum, but I have a big rug that covers half the floor.

    5. Ranon*

      Our vaccuum just blows fuzz around, so we have a reusable dust mop (a nice big one- swiffers are not sized for whole house dusting). That plus an every so often damp mop (I just use an old washcloth on a Swiffer head) seems to mostly do the trick- along with a no shoes policy and a giant entry rug

    6. Lemon Whirl*

      We have a super Dyson dust-buster type deal that we use to spot-clean dog hair. Our cleaner comes once a week. And if there’s mud or mess in the meantime, we run a mop over it.

      I much prefer hardwood floors over carpet – the wet stains are so much easier to clean up off hardwood floors (and dogs and a kid can produce a wide variety of wet stains)!

    7. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Sweep outside the doors regularly, have a good mat outside the doors and make people use them, and have a throw rug just inside. That helps a lot.

      Also a boot-scraper outside if you’re in a snowy or muddy area.

      And robo-vac to save wear&tear on the humans.

  53. Jaid_Diah*

    For Foreign Octopus and hir love for Everybody Lives!Harry Potter:

    A Black Comedy-Slightly AU Harry Potter falls thru the Veil and meets up with Sirus in a world where mostly everybody lived. Except the original Harry and Sirus. Wacky hijinks, some sexing (mostly mutually agreed upon hook-ups, no heaving breasts or throbbing members mentioned for the most part, but the guys are actively trying to get Remus laid and it’s…not with Tonks. That does get a little graphic.).

    I thought it was pretty funny. I hope you do too!

      2. Foreign Octopus*

        I love the image of you staring at this comment and trying to figure it out!

        Last week there was a really long book thread and Jaid_Diah mentioned, somewhat embarrassedly, that they were reading fanfiction. I jumped in and said that some fanfiction is better than actual published books and we got to talking about what sort we enjoyed: I said I like Everbody Lives! and this is a rec based off that.

  54. Sam Sepiol*

    Shitty week. A family member died and it’s just not fair. I wasnt close to her any more but I keep thinking about her husband and parents and crying for the pain they are going through, losing such a genuinely lovely person.

    On a much more mundane note, just dropped the kid off to my ex. Ex, who HATES cats, was stroking a cat that came into his garden and playing with it. So that messed with my head.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Very sorry for your loss and your family’s pain.

      Cats. Some times people pull back from our lives but they keep some of the things we showed them about life. Or they rethink it later, whatever. We don’t know how much we impact other people’s lives. And it’s probably good that we don’t fully understand.

  55. KatieKate*

    What do I do with old jewelry? Most of it is costume, but some of it is nice stuff (no gems, but better than something I just picked up at a shop) I just don’t wear anymore. I’m trying to pare down, but I don’t know what to do with it. Drop it at a charity shop and let them deal with it?

    1. Asenath*

      Sure, if you’ve no one who would like it as a gift. I’ve occasionally picked up bits of costume jewelry in charity shops, so the jewelry will get re-used, and the charity will get a bit of money.

    2. HannahS*

      You certainly could! You could also try selling to a consignment shop, but they tend to give very little money. You could offer it on your local buy-and-sell or free giveaway group on Facebook or Craigslist, if you wanted to be more sure it’d go to a person rather than be wasted. Charity shop’s the easiest option, though.

    3. Detective Amy Santiago*

      For the costume stuff, a local theater (or your high school’s theater department) might be a good option.

      1. LondonBridges*

        Seconding this as a former theatre kid! A lot of our costumes and nicer costume pieces were some much-appreciated donations.

    4. Wishing You Well*

      Check your jewelry for brand names (might need a magnifier) and research its worth online before giving it away. Some costume jewelry is very highly prized. In fact, it’s best to know the resale value of anything before giving it away. You can still decide to give it away, if you like, with no regrets.

    5. Thanks For Nothing*

      Depending on age and studio, costume jewelry can be very collectible and quite expensive. If pieces are 70’s or older and marked with a designer’s name, mark, or a studio, it’s worth doing some research on possible value.

    6. Laura H.*

      Get the non costume stuff cleaned and polished-either find a jeweler that does it or google and DYI. Also if it’s Sterling silver, bag it in ziplocks and squeeze the air out once pieces are clean and dry- that slows tarnishing considerably.

  56. anon today and tomorrow*

    I’ve been looking into getting a puppy. I’ve tried adopting for about five years, but have been denied because I live in an apartment and work full-time. I grew up with dogs, so I know what I’m getting into. The only thing I’m slightly worried about it a puppy barking and annoying the neighbors.

    What’s been really annoying me is that whenever I mention it, I have so many people trying to talk me out of getting a puppy because it’s such a big responsibility and costs so much money and time. Yet, these same people keep asking me when I, a single queer woman, am going to settle down and have/adopt a kid.

    I want dogs, not kids. But apparently to a lot of people a dog is a waste of time and money and they think I’m not responsible enough to raise a puppy, but they think differently when it comes to having kids.

    I’m not looking for advice on how to reply to these people – I have that handled – but I just want to vent about how absolutely annoying this is.

    1. I'm A Little Teapot*

      It is annoying. More practically – you might have an easier time adopting an adult/older dog, because they probably won’t have all the concerns about puppy training. And depending on the dog, they’ll be perfectly happy to stay and home and sleep all day.

      1. anon today and tomorrow*

        I’ve tried that and have also been denied on the basis that I work full-time and live in an apartment. All the dogs I’ve put adoption applications in for have been adult dogs. I’ve given up on rescues to be honest.

        I’d go for a shelter dog but 95% of the dogs in shelters near me are bully breeds, which I can’t have in my apartment, or tiny dogs and I know I couldn’t give a tiny dog a good home because I’ve only ever had giant dogs (Newfies, specifically) and don’t think I could adjust to a dog I can pick up in one hand. The the other 5% of medium sized labs or mutts tend to go very quickly (I put an application in for a retriever mix and the shelter said they had 20 applications within an hour of the posting going online).

        1. Reba*

          Yeah, overly stringent rescue/adoption groups are so frustrating!

          Have look considered greyhound rescue groups? Not puppies, but lots of animals available it seems. Although they are large, supposedly they make good small home pets because they’re lazy most of the time.

          If you can buy from a good breeder, that’s always an option. I don’t think it’s like morally reprobate to do that.

          1. anon today and tomorrow*

            I have! I’ve been on a lot of waitlists for rescue groups, but nothing so far. I’ve found for certain breeds they want prior experience with that breed, which I get. Growing up with Newfies, I’d totally get why there’d be a requirement to own a giant breed before letting someone adopt one since there are certain things you wouldn’t expect.

            I’ve been researching good breeders, and I know how to spot a bad breeder or puppy mill, so I think I’m going down this path when I finally get my dog. I know people act like it’s a sin to buy from a breeder, but there are so many stringent rescue groups out there that some people are forced to go to breeders to even get dogs.

            1. Seeking Second Childhood*

              I learned recently that Newfies share ancestry with Poodles and Portuguese Water Dogs. Haven’t seen many PWDs on Petfinder since the Obama got Beau…. but plenty of people seem to be surprised that Anerican Standard Poodles are big.

              1. Asenath*

                A relative got an adult dog said to be (and looked like) a cross between a Portuguese water dog and a poodle. Lovely animal, although she doesn’t like water or swimming – I guess biology isn’t destiny! I think they found her through a contact who knew about a dog whose family was finding life a bit hectic or something and looking to give up their dog. They did live in a house rather than apartment, but everyone worked full time, so that wasn’t a deal-breaker. One of my more extended family had a small poodle when I was a child, but it was another relative’s big black standard poodle who forever set the “poodle” idea in my mind. He was another great dog, smart as a whip and so friendly and well-behaved. I’ve had a weakness for big poodles even since.

            2. blackcat*

              One thing to keep an eye out–since Florida voted to outlaw greyhound racing, greyhound rescues are going to be FLOODED with dogs in the new year. Something like 8,000 will need homes. So I would keep an eye on greyhound rescues! They make great apartment dogs.

        2. kc89*

          I was going to suggest a shelter/pound dog but I’ve seen you’ve already looked into it

          I don’t think I would ever adopt from a rescue group tbh, they are just too particular and in my experience they view the dogs as theirs and you are just borrowing it.

          My sister and her husband have a large house with a fence in back yard and have someone to walk the dog for half an hour when they are at work, but apparently that’s not good enough? The rescue they went to required someone in the house who was full time stay at home

          1. anon today and tomorrow*

            Shelters would be my best bet to adopt, but it just hasn’t worked out. I feel bad for all the bully breeds still in the pounds, but I have a great apartment and it’s so hard to find good apartments in my city.

            And yes, there’s definitely some rescue groups I looked at who have a point in their adoption application that says they officially own the dog and can decide to take it from you after adoption at any point in the dog’s lifetime. Most of them seem to be looking for a stay-at-home adult who lives in the suburbs with 2.5 kids and a house with a white picket fence.

            1. Natalie*

              For what it’s wortb, those rescue contracts have not been tested in court but it is real questionable that they would hold up. I’ve never heard of anyone having their dog seized.

          2. ThatGirl*

            Depends on the rescue. The one we got ours from is a combo shelter/rescue and they were great, very realistic, and we love our pup.

        3. Courageous cat*

          I feel your pain so much, it makes me so fucking mad that rescues/some shelters put people through the absolute most stringent home checks and refuse on the most ridiculous basises. Like – the whole point is to save as many dogs’ lives as you can, not to hoard them in your building until the Absolute Most Perfect Dog Owner comes along. Many people work all day, and live in apartments, and don’t have fenced in yards, but their dogs are happy and *still better off* than sitting in a shelter homeless all day.

          Sorry, just a vent. Drives me up the wall. These places prioritize the dumbest things.

          1. anon today and tomorrow*

            Yes! On one hand, I get the point about a fenced yard, but I’ve seen too many dogs just tied up all day in fenced yards and that’s not cool either.

    2. Bookslinger*

      I’m so happy you’re considering adoption. I’d urge you to buy a grown dog for a couple of reasons. One, the dog has already developed its personality. If you go through a rescue, you’ll have a great idea of what you can expect. Two, a grown dog is more likely to be housebroken. Three, many animals are abandoned in shelters because owners don’t make the commitment to the animal. You’d be amazed how often shelter workers hear, “He’s too old” (of a three-year-old pet) or “We’re moving and it’s too much hassle to take her with us” or “The pet belonged to my deceased relative and is scared and alone but we don’t want it” or “My new boyfriend/girlfriend doesn’t like the pet.”

      Animal adoption agencies seem strict, but they look at the big picture. Too often adoptions haven’t worked out in certain situations and result in the animal being returned or even set loose. Sometimes they’re dumped at a kill shelter instead of returned to the original agency. It’s tough for people on their own. They might be more willing to adopt if you went with an adult dog. I’d definitely let them know how you plan to handle your work schedule (run home at lunch to walk the dog, hire a service or neighbor to take it out during the day while you’re at work, etc.).

      I’m big on adoption and rescue be it dogs or cats. Rescues often charge more than your local human society, but they aren’t making money. They foster their rescues in an actual home and provide needed medical services and retraining. Foster families even train the animals a little. They can steer you to a dog who doesn’t suffer from separation anxiety or that doesn’t bark a lot. That said, it’s tough on a dog to be cooped up for 8+ hours a day while you work, puppies especially. Cats are easier apartment animals, but that doesn’t mean thousands of people don’t live in apartments and also have dogs.

      Could you volunteer if they still won’t adopt? A lot of places need people to help socialize the animals, attend adoption fairs, care for the pets. It can be a lot of fun!

        1. Ali G*

          Not all rescues deny people that live in apartments, but people lie. They say they have landlord’s permission to have a pet, then they get caught, and want to return the pet or dump it somewhere else. So some rescues just deny them because they don’t have the resources to find out if the person who wants a pet actually has permission to do so.

          1. anon today and tomorrow*

            My lease has a section in there about being approved for a dog, and I had a few rescues who denied me actually contact my landlord, and they still ended up saying no because I lived in an apartment.

          2. Natalie*

            Some rescues also just have silly ideas about what’s universally needed to have a dog. There’s a rescue in my area that won’t adopt to any family that doesn’t have an adult home all day. That’s just idiotic.

            1. Ali G*

              Totally. The ridiculous rescues actually do a disservice to all homeless pets. Someone who gets denied for stupid reasons will immediately turn around and buy a pet from an unscrupulous breeder/puppy mill. I wish someone would knock some sense into them.
              Anon T&T has done everything right to adopt a dog and now they are giving up and going to buy a puppy because of no other options (at these Anon T&T knows how to find a good breeder). If those rescues really cared about saving animals’ lives this would not be the situation! It’s so frustrating.

          3. The Other Dawn*

            Yes, I volunteer with a cat rescue and this is why rescues and shelters are so particular about letting renters adopt. I wasn’t around when the rescue started, but the president said that when she first started out she would let renters adopt as long as they said they were allowed to have a cat. Well, many people lied and ended up having to return the cat once the landlord found out, which of course caused overflow in the foster homes (we don’t have an actual shelter). She then started requiring that the adopter show her a copy of the lease stating that pets are allowed. She will only deny a renter if they refuse to show her proof pets are allowed.

            Also, although our contracts have a lot of the same language about vet references, home visits and all that, it’s very rarely enforced (at least in our rescue). The people running the adoptions are really good with matching people to cats based on their respective personalities, home situation, etc. so they don’t typically ask for all that stuff.

      2. Reba*

        Anon T&T is not considering adoption. They make it clear they have already tried adoption/rescue for several years!

      3. anon today and tomorrow*

        I’m not actually considering adoption.

        I’ve tried to adopt adult dogs for five years and have been denied every time because I work and live in a city apartment, or for some other inane reason (like I won’t let them look at my credit card statements or let them vet any partner I may have in the future after I adopt the dog).

        I know they do good work, but I’m honestly done with them over the ridiculous requirements I’ve faced. I tried to do the right thing, but the right thing led to me never getting to bring home an adult dog, so.

        1. Courageous cat*

          Oooh myyy goood that is so ridiculous. Vet any partner you may have in the future? I can’t. Please do not feel bad with doing what you have to do to get a dog who will be perfectly happy with you. I would personally try Craigslist if you haven’t already, as it’s a good middle ground between shelter and outright buying.

          1. Gerald*

            Craigslist:
            Please know that many puppymills and backyard breeders now sell via Craigslist.

            There are honest people out there, and good breeders and rescues also advertise on these sites, so the most important thing is to visit the home where the dog lives. No meeting in a parking lot, or dog park, or… See the actual home. Because puppy mills used to sell to pet stores but now that most stores banned them the breeders use online ads.

            1. anon today and tomorrow*

              Yes, this! Craigslist is full of puppy mill and backyard breeders. My family got one of our Newfies from Craigslist years ago, but it was a clear case of accidental dog pregnancy and we visited the home and everything, so it was obvious they weren’t backyard breeders (just first time male dog owners who didn’t get the dog fixed and were clearly overwhelmed with a litter of puppies and just wanted them to go to good homes).

        2. Anona*

          Yeah, I’ve had similar experiences with rescues. They’re so frustrating.
          I know you said you didn’t have luck at the city’s SPCA. One additional thing to try is seeing if suburbs have SPCAs- they may have better non-pitbull selections. I live near a city, and it seems like that’s the case here. I follow a ton of local SPCAs and rescues on Facebook, in search of our next dog :). After having several failed rescue applications I was able to easily adopt from an SPCA. Much less invasive, no home visit, etc. Good luck!

        3. Temperance*

          One of my friends was turned down because he and his husband wouldn’t be raising the dog in a “Christian home”. My friend is Jewish, and he is gay, so I guess the dog would somehow be disadvantaged.

          2. anon today and tomorrow*

            I’ve definitely had pointed comments when I attempted to adopt a few years back with my then girlfriend, which makes me 99% positive that I was turned down because of my sexuality.

            I had a friend who was turned down in another state because she and her boyfriend weren’t married and the cat they wanted “needed stability”.

          3. Jean (just Jean)*

            But the dog would be celebrating Passover! And Chanukah! And Purim!
            (I’m Jewish myself, hence the sarcasm.)
            In other words, what the what…

      4. Gerald*

        I work with rescue dogs and cats. I am a big advocate of adopting cats rather than breeders (although I accept that some cat breeds are better for allergens).

        With dogs… the rescue gets 30-50 applications for healthy dogs. There are often multiple good applications for old, sick, asshole little dogs. Adopting a rescue dog is competitive. So rescues can afford to be picky and can favour people who work from home or have a yard. Our group does adopt out to those in apartments, but dogs can be noisy so I suggest that new adopters have a plan (some dogs do well with crating, others need to go to daycare).

        Based on my experience I totally support getting a dog from a breeder. Do your research (essentially visit the place) and don’t let anyone make you feel guilty.

        The one thing which may be a consideration…
        I volunteer with my rescue group. They give us priority on adoptions. If you want to help with fundraising, fostering, or anything else then you are much more likely to be successful. If you don’t, then it’s likely a random luck thing, competing with 50 people every time. I have a family member who was looking for a second dog, and my foster was a perfect match. Family Member wouldn’t have had a hope if it wasn’t for me, because it was a stunning dog and had a huge amount of interest from strangers on the street, so I put in a good word and she was chosen. I think they made the best choice because the dog needed work and she could see beyond his beauty, but if it hadn’t been her there were 20-70 homes which would have been more than good enough and willing to do the training.

        1. Natalie*

          Although demand is going to vary widely depending on location. Shelters and rescues in my metro turn dogs so quickly we import homeless dogs from elsewhere, but if you go a couple of hours into the country or to the rural state next door, it’s a completely different story.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Dog person here. I think you should go get your pup and not listen to your Negative Nancies– er– friends. Look for ads from people who have a litter of mutts. (I prefer mutts, however, you might not?)
      Does it have to be a pup? Sometimes people need to rehome a pet. A friend picked up a middle age basset hound this way. It was the perfect dog for Friend.
      How’s your grapevine? Maybe other dog people could help you find a pup?
      My friend wants a dog but she is older and she gets static about that. So she went through her dog people friends to find a pup.

      I know that I want a dog for as long as I can manage one. So I hope you find a little buddy soon.

      1. Bibliovore*

        I am on my third dog. First one was a puppy. She was fabulous, well-trained, good with kids and other animal, the queen of the dog park, came like a bullet. The second was a re-home- many issues, didn’t get along with other dogs no matter what we did. Could never be off-leash. The third adopted as an elder. Took a year to get her to even come out from under the bed.
        Get the puppy. or as they say, “go get your dog”

        1. Gerald*

          I foster many dogs, and some rescue mutts have problems whereas others are perfection. I adopted one who had been a street dog, and I had to teach him Sit but he was house-trained and had the best manners. He learned about life on the streets and was forever grateful for his new home.

          The key is likely honesty of the rescue. The one I volunteer with takes at least a couple weeks to get to know the dog, and are totally honest about faults and issues. They provide support and trainers if needed. They do a lot of training with any troubled dogs and euthanise if the aggression cannot be fixed. In your case it sounds like your rescue wasn’t honest and you didn’t know what to do – this is the fault of the rescue and not the dog.

          1. Bibliovore*

            I would have to agree here. The rescue organization was not honest. They lied about her health and age but…after having the dog for twelve hours, that was that. There was no way I was going to give her back. What I am saying to OP is that having a puppy IS a different experience. Each dog is different and if you want a puppy that is a different experience .

      2. Anon Anon Anon*

        Vets might also be a good resource. Sometimes they’re the first to find out about an unplanned litter.

    4. Natalie*

      This might sound extreme, but what about traveling out of state and adopting a dog? Southern shelters basically give their dogs away because the supply vastly outstrips the demand. It would be expensive to travel, but if you’re thinking of getting a puppy from a breeder you’re already talking $1,000 or more.

      We are one week into a puppy and the barking is unreal. I’ve also lived in apartment buildings with puppies and heard it from the other side of the walls.

      If you do end up buying a puppy, I’d strongly suggest making sure it stays with its mom and littermates until 12 weeks old, and plan on taking some time off work. You want to have some time for puppy to feel at home and acclimate him to a crate or pen so he doesn’t freak out when you leave.

      2. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

        Or just out to the country, if your state is big enough to have country. We wanted an actual puppy, and the city shelters just had grown dogs, and not very many at that. With just two or three hours drive, we got to pick the one we wanted out of a couple litters.

    5. Ops manager*

      I had similar problems with a rescue, I had a terrible time adopting a dog. Rejected for not being married (am now, not when we got dog), living in apt (has landlord permission), no yard (live next to park), having a job (lolz). I ended up going through a ton of rescues and finding a less strict one. I agree they want stay at home parents. One rescue rejected cause I won’t make my own dog food.

      I also didn’t want a puppy, so I wanted to rescue an older dog because I saw very few older dogs from breeders. We ended up just lying. I told them the dog would be in daycare daily or we would come home for lunch. Both are false.

      1. Anon Anon Anon*

        It’s sad that rescues are turning people down for reasons like that when there are so many dogs in need of homes.

    6. Llellayena*

      If you’re near California and would be interested in huskies/malamutes, check out NorSled. My aunt fosters for them and I know she isn’t home all day. I don’t know the specifics on adoption though. Good luck!

    7. Anon Anon Anon*

      That’s super annoying. I say get a puppy. If you’re having a hard time getting approved by rescue groups in your area, you could check the classified ads or adopt from a city shelter in an area where there are more dogs in need of homes. In my area (southern US), the application process is pretty easy – you just need your landlord to sign off on it – and there are always puppies available.

    8. Pommette!*

      Animal rescue places serve an important purpose, but some are impossibly picky about who is “good enough” to have a pet. I remember applying to adopt a cat while I was a student, and being made to feel guilty for even considering adoption while in my lowly condition (poor + single). The hard part wasn’t being denied (I mean, it’s a good thing that there are more people looking for pets than pets looking for homes): it was the demeaning way the denial was presented. And the idea that only wealthy suburban families with a stay at home parent can care for a pet.

      Anyways. It is annoying! Your family/friends/peers’ reactions are annoying and bizarre and bizarrely common.

      Good luck with the dog.

  57. KL*

    …. Did robo call people get data that people are more likely to answer their dumb call after 10am on Sat? Because I’ve just got like seven in a row, all different numbers.
    Aaaaaand it’s ringing again right now.

    JUST MAKE IT STOP.

    1. Rebecca (I am still Furious!!)*

      I don’t have a landline, but my Mom does (it’s the same number from when I was teenager!) and I notice she gets a lot of spam calls. You would think with all the technology we have, the NSA spying, etc. that someone could track down these spammers and arrest them or somehow put them out of business. They are worse than cockroaches. At least we can spray for those!

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        There is a strong sense of justice when scammers are caught… the IRS phone scam has seen many arrests and long prison sentences.

      1. nonegiven*

        I checked, my local phone co doesn’t have simultaneous ring and neither does my cell carrier (not a lot of choice in a rural area because we need coverage when DH is out hunting.)

        My sister has nomorobo, though. When she gets one, it only rings once. If she forwards her home phone to her cell, it rings twice when she gets a robocall.

    3. Jersey's mom*

      I have been getting the occasional human spam calls (donate to our not-really-a-charity, your Microsoft will be turned off, the is is out for you.

      I put together a list if sentences, starting with “hello, who are you”, and about 15 sentences later, the last sentence is a horrifically rude sentence about bodily parts and farm animals. Then I translated it into German (thanks google!)

      So, when I answer the phone with a generic “yah”. If it’s a human telemarketer, I answer everything they say with my German sentences. Its hysterical listening to them trying to cope. After a few months now, the number of human telemarketers has really dropped. That makes me a little sad.

  58. HannahS*

    What are people doing for Chanukah? I’ve been to two parties so far and had the best latkes I’d had in years made by a random local kosher caterer. If you’ve experienced kosher catering, you know that good food unfortunately comes as a surprise a lot of the time. It’s been really nice, although I do always feel a bit glum coming home at night and lighting candles by myself, especially because I’ve been in an environment with zero Jews the last two weeks, so no one’s even aware that it’s Chanukah. My local Chabad is having a party on the final night, so I think I’ll go to that, which should cheer me up.

    1. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Congrats on good latkes! I know exactly what you mean. For our part, we haven’t done much. We were supposed to have two Chanukah parties tomorrow but it’s supposed to snow tomorrow (in the South where no one can manage it well, plus it gets icy) so one was moved to today and the other will probably be cancelled. We completely forgot to light candles on Tuesday because we got home so late. I made latkes last Sunday, though, so I feel like I did something.

      I think it’s just a low-key holiday all around. Have fun at the Chabad party!

    2. Sparkly Librarian*

      My friends throw a Chanukah party every year with latkes (and kugel, brisket, chopped liver, various fried potluck items — I bring lumpia most years and this year sufganiyot) and a White Elephant swap. Always very crowded but fun! No shame: the latkes are the frozen kind from Trader Joe’s, which is so much easier when you’re feeding a crowd from a small kitchen.

    3. Jaid_Diah*

      My parents Synagogue had a Hannukah dinner last night after services. Chicken “parm”, pasta, latkas, and salad. It was pretty good! Next weekend, Mom will make matzo brie and we’ll have donuts and exchange presents then.

    4. Bluebell*

      We went to friends on night one– they had a party with excellent latkes and sufganiyot, and on Thursday night I went to a fun Chanukah pop up bar. We had latkes at home Monday night, and last night was a potluck at synagogue. More latkes. Tonight is our open house. Lots of chocolate felt and dreidels but no latkes. Still we will see lots of awesome friends. Hag Sameach!

    5. LizB*

      Boyfriend & I are celebrating tonight with my best friend and her wife — heading over to their house, I’m making the latkes, her wife is making the brisket. I’m so excited. Other than that, just enjoying my candles at home and opening presents. (My boyfriend’s parents sent me 8 presents, one for each night, which I never even had as a kid, lol. They’re amazing people.) I live in an apartment with no windows that face the street, and therefore can’t easily put my chanukiah in the window to display it; my nontraditional millenial workaround is instagramming it every night. :)

    7. Ann O.*

      I’ve had a really nice Channukah this year with a lot of latkes and sufganiyot.

      The local Chabad menorah lighting is in a different, much better location than previous year’s. It got a nice turnout and the non-Jewish mayor even managed to begin her welcome with a well-pronounced “chag sameach”.

      In addition to that, I got invited to an acquaintance’s small gathering that also ended up being really lovely. It was a small group that consisted of people I only know in passing and some people I’d never met before. I don’t tend to do well in that type of grouping because I really, really don’t small talk well. But it all worked and was mainly non-awkward. And there were suganiyot.

  59. AnotherAlison*

    I am looking for thoughts/experience on otoplasty.

    My 14 year old boy has one ear that sticks out a lot. The other one sticks out, but not nearly as much. He also has cartilage bumps on top of each ear. I really noticed how much they were sticking out a couple years ago, but I never said anything to him. I mentioned to my husband that I thought we should let him have surgery if he wanted it. My husband thought that was ridiculous and that he would grow into the ears, etc.

    My son mentioned something about his ear a couple weeks ago, and I offhandedly mentioned surgery. He was interested, my husband said he did not think he needed it, and the conversation moved on to something else. That’s the only time he ever said anything about being bothered by it.

    I think it would be good timing to do it in May after school is out while he still is not old enough to get a job, but I am not sure if I should bring it back up or see if he does.

    My left ear also had the cartilage bump, and while I had that removed when I was 14, the cartilage is still very slightly deformed and very slightly sticks out (not like my son’s). I have always been self conscious about my ear anyway. One of my older cousins teased me about it all the time, back when families thought that type of thing was funny, and kids would ask why I had a bump or call me Spock. Because of that, I don’t know if I am projecting my feelings onto my son, or if my opinion is perfectly normal.

    Would you bring it up? Let him have the surgery now? Let him wait until he is an adult to choose?

    Also worth noting – he is a redhead with pale skin and freckles and small for his age (5′-1″, 95 lbs), so he already stands out.

    1. FuzzFrogs*

      Let him bring it up–you’ve put it on the table. If he wants it, he knows he can ask you for it.

      For what it’s worth, it doesn’t seem like you’re projecting–you’re worrying that the outcome you experienced, teasing, will happen to your son. You have evidence that this can happen–that’s not unreasonable to worry about. (This is what my therapist always tells me.)

      But in the same token, your son hasn’t been teased about his ears, and you haven’t mentioned any systematic self esteem issues. He’s also got a lot of growing left to do–your husband’s right, he could still grow into the ears. I’d err on the side of waiting until he’s an adult to discuss this in more depth.

    2. FuzzFrogs*

      Let him bring it up. He’s fourteen, he’s going to look awkward for a while. I’d personally say it’s worth letting him grow into his adult face before exploring surgery, but if he brings it up, I’d tackle it then. You put the possibility on the table already, and if it’s something he really wants to do, he’s not going to forget that you mentioned it.

      1. Valancy Snaith*

        Yes, this. My ears stuck out as a kid quite a lot, and my mother told me starting at the age of eleven that she would happily pay for surgery to have them fixed. She may have meant well, but all it did was fix the idea in my preteen (and early teens) head that something was wrong with me that was bad enough to need surgery to fix. They had never bothered me. Now, as an adult, I look fine and normal, having grown out of the awkward stage. But it hasn’t stopped me from thinking that my mom was so hyper-focused on my appearance that she would have gladly gotten me surgery to fix a minor flaw.

        Leave it. Your kid can speak up if it bothers him, since it’s already on the table. But I’d avoid actively offering it.

    3. Ali G*

      My brother was very self conscious of his ears growing up. He wore his hair long for the entirety of his high school to hide them. The best gift my parents gave him for graduation was to get his ears done. My brother paid them back by finally cutting his hair :) Make sure you choose an experienced surgeon. This was actually his second procedure. The first one didn’t take well I think for 2 reasons – the surgeon and he was not finished growing. So I would at least do some research, get a consultation and go from there.

    4. LilySparrow*

      As long as you have a family culture where he feels comfortable asking for things and talking about his feelings or preferences, wait for him to bring it up. Most kids aren’t going to take “Meh, I don’t think you need it” as a final pronouncement if something is really important to them.

      I think if it were causing issues for him, you would have heard about it before now, and you’ll hear about it more later. Especially now that he knows the surgery exists.

      I think permanent cosmetic alterations should be led by the person whose body it is. The conversation you described seems very minor for you to already be scheduling the surgery in your mind.

      I think probably you are projecting from your own experience. Which is a normal reaction for someone who went through that to have. But not, I think, a proportionate reaction. Because he is not you and does not have your same feelings.

      And, as a mom, we do have to be very careful about our own impact on our kids’ self-esteem. I mean, if other kids think you look wierd, they are jerks. But if your own mom thinks you need fixing, that’s pretty devastating.

      Just hold off and be supportive of what he feels. If he’s fine with himself the way he is, support that. And if he wants to talk more about surgery, support that.

    5. ..Kat..*

      Well, your child already brought it up. So I would not wait for him to bring it up again. I suggest asking if he is interested in looking into what it would take to correct this. If he is interested, take him to the kind of surgeon who would do the repair (plastic surgeon?) and have a talk with you, your son, and the surgeon about the surgery, what it can (and cannot) do, recovery time, side effects etc. Also, what kind of care is required after surgery. And, if he is still interested, go from there.

      1. Ellie*

        If he wants it, do it!!! My mom wanted it, but her mom said no- well, my mom is about to turn 70, she’s still bothered by her ears, and she’s still resentful of my grandmother. (There’s no point in saying “You could have done that as an adult if you wanted it.” Logic doesn’t work here.)

  60. Kathenus*

    Neighbor vent – I had a package stolen off my porch yesterday (luckily something inexpensive), so when I got a delivery notice today for another one, I texted neighbor 1 to see if she was home and could check for it and take it inside to her place for safekeeping. Neighbor 1 wouldn’t be home for several hours, said she texted her daughter too, but didn’t connect with her directly. I then texted Neighbor 2 for the same favor, she was available in a half hour, so I texted Neighbor 1 to let her know Neighbor 2 would check.

    Neighbor 2 went to check, saw someone with a box coming off my porch and yelled at them. Turns out it was Neighbor 1’s daughter. Now Neighbor 2 is sending me reams of nasty texts that I should have warned her someone else had been asked, etc. I responded to the first (a series of three texts ending in a thumbs down emoji…) saying I had let Neighbor 1 know but the daughter must not have gotten the message and apologizing for the confusion. I’ve seen about six more texts coming through in my previews, not in the mood to read them right now, but they don’t seem happy.

    It’s the second time this neighbor has reacted disproportionately to something and I find myself doing a basic apology but not falling all over myself to apologize because I don’t want to condone the overreaction either.

    There was a situation a few months back where she texted asking if I could feed the dog when they were running late, and I said I’d be happy to. They had shown me where the food was previously, but that day the food container was empty and it took me about 10 minutes hunting in the basement to find the rest of the food. I just filled the container, fed the dog, and moved on. I could have gotten annoyed and left a note or text but there seemed no reason for an innocent mistake/situation. Wish she’d give me the same courtesy.

    Part of me wants to call her out, but it seems that other than momentary satisfaction for me it has no useful purpose. So venting here instead so I hold my tongue.

    1. fposte*

      Yeah, I think that there’s a risk here of overreacting to the overreaction. But I also think that in Neighbor 1’s eyes you made her feel stupid and may have impaired her relationship with a neighbor, so she’s being defensive about an awkward situation she was in as a result of doing a favor. I’d stop asking her for favors at this point, since it sounds like she has a pretty thin skin.

      1. FuzzFrogs*

        Yeah, it seems worth trying to backpedal this relationship into more of a “wave if I pass you on the street” sort of neighbor relationship.

        2. Kathenus*

          That’s definitely the direction my mind has been going too. I’m still happy to help her and her husband out with dog care or whatever, but I’ll be more careful with asking for things. We generally have a pretty good relationship, although as I’ve learned she can be a bit prickly at times, so I’d rather work a little harder to keep the friendly neighbor thing going by making smart choices. Thanks for the input.

      2. Kathenus*

        Thanks for the additional perspective. I’ve also apologized to neighbor 1 and her daughter who both seemed pretty chill about the situation.

    1. Foreign Octopus*

      A library but a really nice cosy one with warm red walls and nice orangey lights and lots of books lining the walls with the comfiest armchair ever made and a blanket to snuggle under, and no clock.

    2. L-cJ*

      all of them! my ideal house has only the entrance/exit doors unconcealed :) (sort of like some of the houses in Dangerous Liaisons, but even more so…and less fancy :) )

    3. Snow Drift*

      Dawn Schafer’s secret passage, in an old Victorian home. The kind with turrets and random rooms on their own floors.

    4. gecko*

      I would have a small room that is furnished exclusively with miniature furniture. Something like 1/6 scale or slightly larger. I think it would be funny for three reasons: one, sitting on a miniature couch like it’s an uncomfortable chair; two, seeing a big cat sit on a tiny desk; three, bringing my friends in to hang out there for the first time and witness them try to figure out if it’s incredibly stupid or kind of funny. It’s basically the best idea I’ve ever had and 100% the biggest reason I want to own a home.

    5. Notthemomma*

      We have a large back yard, so mine would be under there. It would have a bathroom, Library and a place to sleep; I’m not a prepper, but like the idea of being able to hide out from the world ;-)

    6. Seeking Second Childhood*

      We have a T shaped basement and my husband really wanted to make one end into a hidden gaming room…until we had pipes freeze on that end of the unheated basement last year. We still might do it, but it will involve a future heating system upgrade first. Alas.

    7. Isotopes*

      Oh my gosh that’s amazing. Definitely makes me wish I were staying in my house instead of moving. I’d probably change out the door to the under-stairs storage because it would look so clean and nice, and then I could make it a cool wine cellar/storage area. I just really like this idea a lot. And I had no idea this sort of thing actually existed for the regular consumer (I mean, the “regular” consumer who has an extra few thousand dollars sitting around…haha).

  62. Arrrgh*

    Sitting here listening to the Hounds of Hell. The sun is out and they’ve been barking for forty minutes now. I looked, and there is now a big “BEWARE OF THE DOG” sign on the gate. I’m guessing since they’re here that Neighbor is at work or gone and Carer (I’ll call her Ethel) has let them out to get a bit of fresh f*cking air.

    I texted Neighbor, “Hi Sue, it’s Arrrgh next door. We gotta have a chat about the barking.” Waiting to see if she texts me back, calls, or comes over.

    I cannot take much more of this. Seriously, I can’t be the only person they’re annoying–they’re in the back of her yard right now and there are houses behind us. If it’s going to be into the weekend too, then getting out of the house during the week when I find a job is not going to solve the problem. The sign is probably to keep Sue’s insurance happy, since there were kids in her yard without permission one day, but I’m just dreading her saying “WELL ETHEL IS HERE ALL THE TIME NOW.”

    I looked, and the barking dog noise ordinance applies in OurCity during the day as well as at night. You’re supposed to call Animal Control about it. Which means, if someone doesn’t talk to her and instead just calls, Ethel risks losing those dogs.

    I don’t want to pack up my computer and go somewhere else to write but I feel like I’m going to have to. And now I’m completely stressed out; so much for having meditation today.

    1. fposte*

      Can you go over and ask Ethel to bring the dogs in? If they’re under Ethel’s care and control anyway, it makes more sense to me to talk to her than to talk to Neighbor.

          1. Elizabeth West*

            Well apparently the situation is more nuanced; Sue WAS home, and she did put them up when I asked, but she would not come to the door when I knocked afterward and has not answered my text. This may be a family situation (I don’t know who Ethel actually is; I thought she was a home health worker but that may not be the case). I literally do not care about the details; I just want the noise to STOP.

            Regardless, if she won’t talk to me about it, I’ll have to call Animal Control on Monday and say something about it. They ARE pitties, or at least they look like them, and while the attempted ban didn’t pass during midterms (I actually voted against it) if they’re unregistered, they will be taken away.

    2. Earthwalker*

      Has anyone tried those electronic bark-stop boxes, the ones that run on a 9-volt battery, sense barking, and emit a super-high frequency sound to disrupt the dog’s barking habit? Are they effective through a standard suburban fence? I was tempted to try one in the back yard and aim it at the yappy dogs’ yard. We’ve asked the neighbors to keep them quiet and they try, but the little buggers have to go outside some time. They just seem to be stuck in always-on mode.

  63. Junior Dev*

    Mental health thread! How are you doing? What are you struggling with? What are you proud of?

    I just started a new (thing we don’t talk about) and it’s going well but completely exhausting. Everyone is telling me it’s normal and I’ll feel better in a few weeks so I’m trying to get through that. My psychiatrist suggested i take half an Ativan in the mornings even though i normally don’t take them preemptively like that, because I was panicking for no particular reason. It’s been helping with the panic but I’m even more tired.

    I am proud of baking a big salmon fillet that turned out delicious. I’ve been eating a lot of frozen food and takeout and making food from scratch feels like an assertion that I am worthy of nice things that make me happy.

    How are you doing?

    1. Alpha Bravo*

      Salmon is wonderful and so is your last sentence. I wish we could all internalize that and do more things that feel like an assertion that we are worthy of nice things that make us happy. Because we are. Thank you for that!

    2. Anon for This*

      I’ve been doing fertility treatments and I’ve really been struggling. I had been coping pretty well, to be honest, but then my IVF cycle got delayed because my hormone levels were too high and that thrust me into some kind of depression. I’m okay when I’m with people doing things, but I work at home by myself and that’s been a huge struggle. I just can’t focus. I saw a therapist associated with my clinic last week, and it did help to have someone who understood to talk to, but she’s out of network for my insurance and I’m already broke due to said fertility treatments. She referred me to someone who’s in-network but I haven’t heard back frmo her yet.

    3. StellaBella*

      hi again Junior Dev, thanks for this! Your salmon sounds great and I agree with Alpha Bravo that you are worthy, this is a great point! Hang in there on the anxiety, you just had a vacation so it takes a while to get back into things. :)

      I am doing pretty OK. Had a rest day today that has been good. The doggo I am babysitting is snoring near my feet and my cat is sleeping too (not near us but still). It’s been a nice day overall, and I made lemonade out of some virtual (mild) lemons – the dog stepped in her water bowl and spilled water all over so the kitchen floor is very clean now! Listening to podcasts all day and puttering, sorting, cleaning. Have a good weekend!

    4. 653-CXK*

      This week, it was sunny (but cold), and I got out of the house. I need to get out more often because it makes me feel better to get away from the idiot box of a laptop I’m chained to every day. When I have a set goal (“I want to do X”) and I’ve accomplished it, I feel great. When I say “I want to do X” and then the lazy part of my brain says, “Nah, stay home, wait for more responses” I get anxious.

      Each time I walk into a store, I feel that the spirit of Christmas has been overwhelmed by men in three piece suits rubbing their hands in glee each time a perverse permutation of a traditional Christmas song comes on, because it means money in their pockets. F’rinstance, Bing Crosby’s “White Christmas” is standard. “White Christmas” sung by a flavor of the month singer? Next, please. (And aren’t the Jingle Balls supposed to be coming to cities and towns soon?) I remember the Christmases when the whole hype lasted one week, not nearly two months (and certainly not the second after Halloween).

    5. Handy Nickname*

      This week has been a little better, but I’ve been struggling a lot with feeling lonely and unable/not motivated enough to do really simple stuff. Saw a doctor this week to maybe get some blood work done since I’ve been so tired recently, and she said she’d test me for a couple things but also to eat really clean (lean meats, veggies, no takeout, etc), exercise at least 30 minutes 4 days a week, and drink half my body weight in ozs of water every day. And it’s like- I get that those things would help a lot, but I can’t go from 0 to 60 here (and honestly, if I had the energy and brain function to do those things right now- I probably wouldn’t feel this crappy or been at the doctor to begin with, so kinda a chicken and egg thing there). Argh, just frustrating.

      But I’ve been getting better about finding things that will help and finding ways to lean on my friends when I need them without wearing them out. I’ve found that when I’m super lonely, it might help to call and cry on a friend’s shoulder, but it also helps to text a friend about something unrelated or just chatting- just to kinda go, hey people do care about me! That’s definitely helped me feel less helpless when I just want to curl up in a ball and cry since there’s a way to my Team Me help without making my struggles a constant emotional stress for them, and I’m really thankful for realizing that and for those friends.

    6. Red*

      I’m anxious. I went for bloodwork on Monday to hopefully determine once and for all what is happening with my body, but the followup appointment isn’t until the 20th. My doctor is leaning towards lupus for the diagnosis, and the idea of having lupus sucks, but there’s a big part of me that would want to celebrate that diagnosis. I’ve been dealing with these issues for almost 5 years now, and I want some f’ing answers!

    7. Going anon*

      I worry that I’m getting depressed again. It’s been almost 20 years since I last was, but I’m feeling apathetic, keep randomly bursting into tears, and just don’t want to do anything. (Note I’m in the southern hemisphere so this isn’t a light issue.) I tried to make an appointment with my GP but can’t get in for 8 weeks. 8 weeks! May as well be a lifetime.

      1. Asenath*

        Take care of yourself while you’re waiting. Yeah, it’s not easy, but it really does help – for me, making a good routine (not too restrictive, but with time for the good distractions that tend to go by the wayside) and reminding myself that this too will pass, I got through worse before and will again helps. And if it gets really bad, call your local mental heath crisis line.

  64. Kendra*

    Cat question!

    I’m graduating college and starting a new job cross-country on the 7th of next month, and I’ll be moving into the new apartment less than a week before starting the job. I’ve been dreaming about getting a cat just as soon as I’m in my own apartment and not student housing, but I’m not sure if adopting a cat right as I start a new job would be a good idea. I’ve never had a pet before, but I’ve had roommates with cats and I was planning to adopt a chill young adult cat rather than a kitten. Would it be a reasonable plan to get the cat just as soon as I move in, even before I’m finished getting all my new furniture? Or would it be a better idea to wait until I’ve settled into the new job and apartment a little bit?

    1. StellaBella*

      OK, this is a long reply….Alison has 5 cats too so she may be able to offer advice (as others here too probably will do)….

      1. WAIT. Get the house set up, your routines in place and figure out how long your hours will be each day. Check to see how the neighbourhood is. Is there a vet nearby? Can you ask them for advice as it will be your first pet? DO you know what shots the cat will need? Do you know basic care things like if they get crystals (urinary issues) or otherwise get sick – how to put them in a crate and get them to a vet or ER vet?
      2. BROWSE. Are there shelters nearby? Adopting a bonded pair may be better as they will not be lonely during the day if you are gone a lot of the day. Also good to look at the non-kittens as you noted – they need a LOT of care and are a lot of the time up all night being kittens. Ask advice at the shelter you visit. They may have brochures or resources for new pet companions.
      3. READ. There is a lot of advice online and just a simple google brought this up:
      Basic supplies:
      A litterbox, preferably one with a removable lid. Some cats like privacy in the toilet, others don’t care.
      Litter. Know when and how to clean it well. Don’t use harsh chemicals esp bleach (pee is ammonia, of course – mixing these two substances is a bad idea).
      Food bowls – one for water, one for food.
      Food. Dry and wet and diet needs …. Cat grass and plants in your house need to be considered….
      A cat carrier. How to handle a cat safely for both of you.
      Toys. Collar. Brush. Scratching post(s), as cats need something to claw. If you buy furniture you don’t want them to scratch do you know ways to prevent that?
      Places to sit in the sun, look at birds out the window (bird feeders?)
      Babysitter. What do you do when you are gone or if you get a boyfriend/girlfriend who is allergic/wants you to stay at their house etc? What happens to the cat/cats?
      How to read their body language and what things they do mean (swishing tails, purring, big pupils, puffed up fur/fear signals, etc.)

      Also good luck. I’d wait a couple of months to get yourself sorted and to have the place stable (not unpacking a lot, etc) before introducing a cat/cats.

      2. tangerineRose*

        Good suggestion to wait, and a lot of other good suggestions here. I especially second the idea to get a bonded pair – one cat can get lonely being by him/herself while you work. Young adult kitties are SO much easier than kittens!

          1. Ali G*

            Vet costs will be more (think annual shots, etc.) and food costs (it’s very important that cats have a high quality diet), but most people find they are not more work. They entertain each other and wear each other out. This is important, because if you don’t have time to spend 30 min or so after you get home from work playing to wear the kitty out, it will keep you up all night!

            1. tangerineRose*

              I agree with Ali G – it will cost more in food and vet costs, but they’ll probably be less work.

          2. StellaBella*

            Would also recommend insurance – for emergencies and for overall care over their long lives. Animals can be very expensive if they have an accident (eat/drink something, hurt themseles, fighting).

    2. SparklingStars*

      I’d say give yourself some time to settle into your new job / apartment. Moving across the country and starting a new job are both pretty stressful events, and adding a new pet to your life might prove to be a bit much. But of course, you need to do what works for you.

    3. Anona*

      I would settle in to your new life first. That way you’ll know things like what your budget is for vet stuff, and can have things set up, so the cat won’t have to adjust to a lot of changes along the way. Just my $0.02 :). BeforeI moved into my first apartment i strongly considered getting a dog. I’m really glad I waited, since apartment setup & utilities and such ended up being more expensive than I anticipated. Congrats on graduating!

    4. Natalie*

      I guess I’ll be a bit of a contrarian and say I don’t think you’ll need to settle all that much. Lots of cats are very easy going, and as long as you don’t rush out and adopt the first cat you find regardless of its personality/activity level, you could start adoption-shopping once you’re moved in. It might be easier to incorporate the cat and it’s needs into your routine when everything is new, rather than a few months in when you’re finally feeling like you can relax.

      If you can, I second the bird feeder recommendation. Our cat loves it, she sits at the window and makes murder chirp noises basically all day.

        1. Natalie*

          They are, and it entertains her when we’re busy or not home. You can get small cheap feeders that hold nijer seed or finch mix and suction to your window. Finches are cute for you to look at and also everywhere.

    5. JxB*

      Once you get settled, perhaps consider signing up to foster a cat/kitten. That would give you taste of life with a pet with only short term commitment. (Warning, it is entirely possible to fall in love with foster kitties. So if you aren’t ready to make a permanent commitment, prepare your heart and steel your resolve.)

      1. Venus*

        I agree with this suggestion!
        I foster. I adopted one of mine, but continue to take in a variety of them. I started fostering as a student because I couldn’t afford any vet bills. Now I continue because I am addicted (saving lives is pretty awesome :)

        It’s not for everyone (mostly because the cats often have some sort of medical problem (very typically a cat cold) so it’s often a lesson in pet health as I know more about worms, parasites, and sneezing than the average pet owner), but if anyone is interested in the concept then feel free to ask questions.

    6. Asenath*

      I’d wait till I was settled a bit. You can take the time checking out cats in need of a home and getting ready. Also, one thing I did was to open a savings account and get in the habit of putting a bit aside out of every paycheck as a Cat Emergency Vet Fees Plan. I looked into pet insurance, but they all had limitations on what they covered.

  65. Sparkly Librarian*

    I went to a new place to donate blood (platelets) last week. My experience of this is kind of like a dental appointment — you’re stuck in a chair for a couple hours and people make small talk with you and sometimes they have to cause you a small amount of pain to make it work. I don’t mind the donation, but the phlebotomist I got this time made me pretty uncomfortable. He managed to include religion, race (with disparaging comments about native language), and lots of personal work drama in his small talk… all the stuff that you shouldn’t talk about with patients, to my mind. But I was stuck. I did make some attempt to divert or correct him (i.e., the last time I was in, I didn’t understand something, but that was NOT because the other staff was Asian and “didn’t speak English” well enough. He wasn’t, and he did. It was possibly because he didn’t understand the procedure well enough to explain it to me. But what a weird assumption to make! And the new guy didn’t know enough to answer me either.), but mostly I felt stuck until after the needles were out and I could get up from the chair (and pee).

    I asked at the front desk for a way to leave feedback, and the shift supervisor overheard me and brought me into his office. I explained that the topics/comments had made me uncomfortable, and that I would prefer not to have this phlebotomist again. He offered the names of others on the same shift, so that I could request them for my next appointment, which was helpful, and said he would talk to the guy. I still think it’s going to be awkward when I come back in a couple weeks (I don’t want to switch to another shift because it’s my day off) and I’m in the same room with him but he knows I don’t want to be treated by him.

    I could have done more to stop him in the moment, I suppose. I do polite redirection and occasional confrontation of inappropriate/offensive language at work fairly often, but that’s when I have sufficient power/agency in the situation. Is there anything I can do when I return to maybe make this less uncomfortable?

    1. Reba*

      Sorry that happened, but I am enjoying the unintentional (?) pun of “stuck”!

      I think just remind yourself that the tech created the awkwardness, not you! The tech was out of line (and apparently very comfortable being so), and your response was totally reasonable.

      2. Sparkly Librarian*

        Entirely unintentional! But now that you’ve called my attention to it, I also enjoy the pun. :)

    2. Wishing You Well*

      Sorry this happened. I’m very impressed you did what you could in the moment, then asked to leave feedback immediately. Good for you! A+
      Any awkwardness is all on him, not you. Try these thoughts: Assume he doesn’t know you left feedback. Did he even get the feedback? And you can’t possibly be the only one who complained about him! He might not be there next time.
      I had trouble with an offensive phlebotomist, too. After my complaint, he was never there again. Maybe he was transferred to a non-patient job.
      Your request for someone else can be seen as a personal preference, not a slight on him. He should not make any uncomfortable comments to you again. If so, report those also.
      Best of Luck! You’re doing such an important service to others, you ought to be treated like royalty!

      1. Sparkly Librarian*

        That’s right — some people do have personal preferences for particular staff, and as I’ll be seeing them a couple times a month it makes sense to want to be comfortable with them. Don’t need the royal treatment, just a warm blanket and Netflix. :) That chair is just about the only place I felt warm, before I purchased a heated mattress pad for home! I got the idea that the manager was a little more inclined to respond because of my rarer, and thus highly desired, blood type. Guess I don’t mind.

    5. Dr. Anonymous*

      Let it be awkward; you’re not the one who made it weird. I sometimes feel free to say to people in the moment, “Oh, you don’t have to entertain me right now. I’m exhausted and I’d really like to just zone out for a bit. But I agree it’s hard to do when they’re touching you with sharp things.”

    6. Observer*

      Either he won’t know what you said and why he isn’t taking your blood, in which case it won’t be awkward. And if it is awkward, it’s because he knows that he messed up – at least enough that his bosses take it seriously enough to accommodate you. And, regardless of what he thinks about that, that’s a GOOD thing – he knows that someone cares that strongly about it and his bosses will NOT back him.

  66. Courageous cat*

    My boyfriend is out of town for the weekend, leaving me to myself in our 650-sq-ft apartment on a rainy and cold weekend. I don’t have much money. What should I do?! Is there anywhere to get a good bath bomb from that’s NOT Lush?

    3. BRR*

      Target had some the last time I was there. I love eating the food my husband doesn’t like when he’s gone. I get take out and delivery and just enjoy the quiet time.

      1. louise*

        I adore Dr Teals, particularly the eucalyptus spearmint salt blend. Usually I get them at Walgreens. Bonus: 3-5 baths instead of just one like a bath bomb.

    6. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I tried making them recently… I didn’t get them to mold together well, but they fizzed nicely anyway.
      I need some flavor other than lavender to try it again.

  67. Fellow Traveler*

    Thanks for all the board game suggestions last week! I think we are going to go with CodeNames the picture version, and a jigsaw puzzle. I have the other games bookmarked for future!
    Next challenge: we will be staying at an Airbnb, and I would still love to cook Christmas dinner for everyone. What are your favorite simple yet celebratory recipes? Something that does not demand specialty ingredients or equipment. I’m thinking roasted salmon, a couple sides and dessert. We do have vegetarians so a hearty side/ grain would be good.
    Thanks for your collective brains!

    2. Koala dreams*

      For the vegetarian dish I suggest a brussel sprouts stew with white beans and safron powder. It’s very easy to make since it’s a stew, but make sure to bring the safron. Cookies and ice-cream is great for dessert. Good luck!

    3. Llellayena*

      Roasted vegetables are easy and always a hit. Squash, carrots, asparagus, zucchini, cauliflower, and potatoes are all great choices. You can even take some of them after and purée them to make an amazing pasta sauce.

    4. Someone Else*

      I think you should check with your vegetarians what they like. For me personally, when the only options available to me are sides, even if they’re hearty, it feels like making food I can eat is an afterthought. That’s not necessarily true of your crew, but it’s worth to it make sure you’re not inadvertently making them feel bad with the meal.

    5. Seeking Second Childhood*

      We’re mighty fond of crockpot versions of Indian classics like chana masala. As a bonus, many of these stewed dishes can be cooked ahead & frozen for easy reheat. My Indian housemate’s mom used to bring her freezer bags of dishes that way. If you have fresh chopped peppers for topping, your guests can adjust spicing at table.

    6. JxB*

      You’ve hit on a great idea of roasted salmon with vegetables. That’s one of our family go-to dinners. We use a cake sheet pan that’s 13″ x 19″. We like the large pieces of salmon from Sam’s club, like 3 pounds. Put it in the middle with spices and lemon slices on top. Surround with vegetables sprayed with olive oil and some some all-purpose season salt spices. Cook 425 degrees for 25 minutes and you’ve got a great dinner. Rice goes well with this.

      Sometimes I’ll use a disposable pan or extra large heavy duty cookie tray pan with rim. But I actually prefer the simple aluminum sheet pan best and will even carry it with us on trips if traveling by car and we expect to cook.

      We do many variations of that same one-pan dish. Chunks of chicken or beef in the center instead of fish. With beef you may need a rack because of the juices. I cut the tenderloin in various size chunks, smaller for me as I like well done; larger for my husband who likes medium rare.

      You may want to consider a mushroom or pasta dish for the vegetarians.

  68. Lcsa99*

    Still working on the solutions given for my other problem, but I have a new one that I need help on. Just received a pair of pants I ordered online from Lane Bryant and unfortunately they forgot to remove the anti-theft alarm/ink thing. I am assuming I am screwed. I am worried that even if I bring it into a store with the packing slip they will assume that I just picked up one there, but I wanted to check with the aam hive mind first. Is there anything I can do?

    1. Kathenus*

      I’d call or email via contact info on the website and ask them. My guess is they’ll want to resolve it since it’s their mistake and they’ll have one or more options for you.

      1. valentine*

        Take a photo of it (showing the device, receipt, and some obvious thing in your home) to the store with you. If they act suspicious, brightly chat as you show them the photo and, when you have the device-free pants back, make a complaint about the suspicion.

        If you’d feel better, exchange them by mail, with the device as the reason.

    2. Courageous cat*

      As long as you have the packing slip, they’ll be happy to fix it for you. Do not worry about it!

    3. Nervous Accountant*

      This happened to me but I bought the item at the store and somehow it didn’t set off alarms (or if it did, it was pretty crowded and went unnoticed by all of us). I just went back to the store with the receipt and they fixed it, no questions asked.

      1. Gatomon*

        Often times those things stop working and no one notices because they are avoiding the alarms with them!

        I used to work at a big box with a layaway department, and the key rings had those alarm tags on them to stop you from walking out the door with the keys. Well I walked right out the door with them during a rush helping someone with a large item, no beeping at all! I swapped them out for working ones right away, but I had to go through quite a pile until I found a couple that still alarmed.

    4. Ranon*

      Just go to the store! When I worked retail if you had showed up with a receipt and the pants I totally would have taken it off without thinking twice, mistakes happen, no big deal. Especially if you come straight up to the register I doubt anyone would bat an eye.

    5. Red Reader*

      Put it in a bag and be holding the bag where it is visible when you walk into the store, and go straight to the customer service desk first thing instead of browsing around. (You can do that after.) Especially if you have the receipt/packing slip, they won’t even bat an eyelash.

    6. Not A Manager*

      I agree that if you show up with the receipt you won’t have a problem, BUT if it still worries you, call and speak to the manager first. Get his or her name, tell them approximately when you’ll be coming in.

  69. Here's Something Awkward*

    Awkward topic for anyone interested in that kind of thing. After filming myself for a project, I noticed that some of my physical quirks – which I have zero control over – come across as sexually suggestive if you don’t know what the underlying issue is. Things like slightly heavy breathing (lung problems), droopy and unfocused looking eyes, sort of exaggerated looking movements, looking kind of limp and “submissive,” and more. I have some muscle issues – that’s the main cause. It’s subtle enough that it’s usually read as nonverbal communication, not a disability thing.

    So this explains why I get so much of the, “You’re only here for sex,” type of yucky attitude and random lectures about not being interested. So at least I partially get what’s behind that.

    I know my body’s weird and it leads to misunderstandings. I’ve been trying to be more open about it to avoid confusion. Unfortunately, that often leads to more misunderstandings. Because yes, I kind of look normal and do normal things but not entirely. Gray areas can be hard to communicate about. Not everyone gets it. So I’m working on communicating about it more effectively.

    I need a broad strategy to cover this. Maybe I should make a documentary about it. I have no idea. It isn’t easy to quickly explain when I first meet someone because there are too many seemingly unrelated things, and a lot of people seem to think I do look normal. Maybe.

    I don’t know how easy this would be to solve with advice. I think I’m on my own path, so to speak. But I’m throwing it out there for discussion because it sure is awkward and weird.

    1. Reba*

      That does sound awkward, and hard! It seems like there would be different strategies depending on the situation. Like, some of your examples sound like dating or socializing contexts, yes? Do you think that a breezy, “please excuse my face, I have a medical thing that affects the way my eyes look” would work for you? I always advise people to practice saying awkward things, because that helps me to actually get them out of my mouth when the time comes! For you that might also include deflection of follow up questions, like “what medical condition,” “Oh, it’s boring! Did you try the bean dip?”

      But for a work situation, or people that you’re going to see frequently, I could see having a little bit more detailed conversation just to try to set a tone with people not to read into things that are your normal.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      People who are good with cameras might have a better idea but my thought is to film yourself at a slight angle. Perhaps that would make a bit of a difference?
      As far as in person, you can use your words rather than relying on your body language. I have a friend who has Turrets and my friend just matter-of-factly says, “I have Turrets so sometimes I do x or y or z. I have no control over these things.”

  70. ScotKat*

    Has anyone learned how to make jewellery? I am thinking I’d like to try, or take classes, but I am not sure what it’s like in practice. I miss being creative and it’s a kind of creation I’ve never done, so I’m interested in exploring.

    1. Kendra*

      I used to make earrings and I did some beadweaving things! If you are any kind of aptitude for crafts you probably don’t need a class. I would recommend getting some kind of kit that has a book and comes with supplies, and then you’ll know enough of the basics that you can pick out your own beads and supplies and design your own stuff.

    2. Comet and cupid*

      YOU CAN find basic books at your public library. Also ask the librarian if s/he knows of a crafting group. My library often has beadwork/jewelry displaysrom on a local regional crafting society. And i’ve Seen guilds in other states that promote home crafts. Your town or local votec may offer adult extension classes

    3. CanadaTag*

      I do wire beading; I did do a class, but I could have just as easily learned how to from the internet or from a book (wire beading is easier than bead weaving or the like). Um…. You could probably find a good kit. In terms of ordering stuff, I like Fire Mountain Gems – they have equipment of all kinds, book of the week specials, designs of all kinds, etc, and reasonably cheap shipping. Not sure what (in-person) stores to recommend, though, given I’m in Canada. (If you’re also in Canada, Michael’s is reputable but can be expensive.)

    4. Llellayena*

      If you’re looking for beaded jewelry, many craft stores have supplies, books and classes available. If you have a Joann fabric near you check that out. If you’re thinking constructed metal jewelry (with sheet and wire metal and torches) check out community colleges for metal and jewelry art classes. (Minor in metal and jewelry arts in college speaking…)

    5. Kuododi*

      I am self taught as far as bead work/weaving. I had some dear friends ages ago who were very talented bead weavers. They taught me a couple of tricks but I checked out books from the library and taught myself the rest. Have fun!!!

    6. Seeking Second Childhood*

      When I was a teen I had lapidary lessons. I loved it and wish my teacher hadn’t retired. Starting back up is on my wishlist.

  71. Anchorage*

    Getting out of dark, chilly, quake-city and heading to Kona for a long weekend next week. Recs for dive shops? I’m a stickler for safety (no desire to push limits on depth, air, etc) and not harassing marine life. Thanks!

  72. Cherry*

    I have a spending problem. Spending, shopping hoarding, whatever you want to call it. I do’nt even know where to begin to unpack this.

    I like buying new things. Being able to buy (almost) whatever I want makes me happy.

    But I’m running out of room and I never have any money.

    I don’t consider myself materialistic b/c I don’t equate affection or love with material things. I always say, I have enough THINGS and would rather have someone’s time & company.

    I hate that I’m so attached to THINGS. I tend to over pack for trips b/c I think I will need everything. I get anxiety over thinking that I may need to ask someone for something..I HATE asking to borrow things or if going to a new place, having to find something there. It’s a weird sense of independence that I have all my own stuff.

    Anyway, my credit score is sh*t. I have way too many clothes, makeup, shoes, jewelry etc. I’m not giving it away but I need to stop shopping.

    Last year this wasone of my New Year resolutions but a lot of unexpected awful things happened this year (death, loss, sick etc). But I’m hoping to get back on this now.

    1. kc89*

      Maybe try packing up most of your clothes, makeup, jewelry, etc. and the once a month you get to pick out something new from your stash, that way you are shopping what you already own

      1. Villanelle*

        Relatedly, a friend of mine does a fashion challenge. Perhaps you could follow it?
        bemorewithless(dot)com/project-333/

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Sometimes owning too many things gets in the way of our relationships. Instead of visiting with friends and family we are at home taking care of our things or we are out shopping for new things instead.

      I have a couple family members who shop daily. With one person the cash equivalent of what she has in unopened stuff laying around her house would be enough to pay off my house. She is trying to fill a void in her life. Shopping is an escape. When she is shopping her real problems melt away and vanish. I am not saying this is you, but I am saying this is how these stories go. Shopping is a symptom of something else, an underlying cause.

      I think that probably people here will tell you to start therapy, which is wise advice. I will add one more thought. Figure out what you will do to fill the time up that you used to spend shopping. You say that shopping makes you happy, so with this in mind, I suggest that you pick something that is under the heading of good self-care. This could be good home cooked meals, a soak in a hot bathtub or reading a good book, etc. It can be anything that lifts you up.

      I quit going to bars, period, cold hard stop when I was in my early 20s. I was surprised to find that I had extra time and it had never occurred to me that I would have to plan what to do with that time. So suddenly I needed a new plan. Thinking quickly I grabbed a second job. Probably not the best plan but it had some wisdom to it given my setting at that time. (Now if I had only chosen a less crappy company….sigh.)

      Your question is actually a two part question. Part one is moving away from Old Thing. And part two is moving toward New Thing. What would you like to move toward?

      1. Cherry*

        No therapy for reasons I don’t want to get in to here. I think you’re right though, there is a n underlying void. I can think of many things I”d like to do with my extra time but I still somehow default to shopping. I don’t have a lot of serious interests. I don’t like to spend time with my family, and I don’t see my friends very often for other reasons not related to shopping.

        I would just like to free up my bank account and improve my credit score. and let go of this mindset of “new things = happiness.”

        1. Comet and cupid*

          And if new things equal happiness, maybe stop to think about what your current mood is that is driving you to shop/make yourself happy. Presumably you are not in a state of happiness before you start shopping. Why? What are you treating/avoiding when you shop? IF you know the problem you can create a better solution.

          1. valentine*

            If it’s the newness alone, can you return a lot of it after a week or so?

            Can you sell a ton of it now?

            You can set barriers by activating a credit card alert for purchases over $x, assuming the bank contacting you to confirm is enough to deter you.

        2. fposte*

          What about support groups–are they an option? There are some subreddits, for instance, on decluttering and hoarding that might be useful.

    3. Jeff has two tvs*

      When something becomes more than a habit, where it is a need, and it has a negative impact on your life – if you can’t stop, then you should perhaps go to a therapist. This might not be a buying problem – it may indicate an underlying issue, one that you are treating with the instant gratification of buying.
      Short term though – If it’s the buying you enjoy & you don’t mind selling the things – sell them. Make a pile of anything that is over six months old nwt and sell it. Make a pile of anything that has not been used or worn in 18 months and sell it.

    4. Koala dreams*

      I think you are on a good path with the stop shopping things. There are quite a number of bloggers who have made a shopping free year and wrote about it, maybe you can get inspiration from them. Or maybe make it a habit to read The minimalists?

      For the things you already have, try selling them online or at a yard sale. Save the money for a restaurant trip, a good movie or maybe even paying of some of those credit cards.

      I also agree with the advice above about finding a new hobby. Cooking or baking is good because then you can eat the things, if you have a library nearby maybe reading more books, or if you are into socializing maybe something like dancing or board games.

    5. fposte*

      I really like things. I definitely buy more of them when I’m under stress, too. So I get you.

      A couple of possibilities here. On the practical side, make your access to money more difficult. If you shop online, pull your credit cards off of every site you like. Sit down when you’re feeling at your most contented, delete them off of everything including PayPal and ApplePay/Venmo etc. If brick and mortar shopping is a factor, cut the cards up, or at least take them out of your purse and wallet so you don’t have them on you all the time.

      More importantly, make a budget. It doesn’t matter if you use Mint, YNAB, or Excel; you’re going to track your expenditures and create limits. That’s not to punish you–it’s so you know what you *can* spend. My guess is that you’ve been operating only on shame vs. satisfaction as the poles without making affordability a clear and relevant concept.

      Overall, consider how you should take care of Cherry–it might be helpful to frame this as caretaking rather than deprivation. Sure, Cherry in the moment may be feeling low, but tomorrow’s Cherry is going to feel like crap tomorrow after buying something today, and 85-year-old Cherry doesn’t want to have to still be working. What can you to take care of the you you’re going to be?

      1. Villanelle*

        This is such a nice way of framing it. I’m going to look at the last para and use it (my version of shopping is eating out…as a way of life rather than the treat it should be because I’m spending way too much money otherwise.)

        1. Kuododi*

          One of the things I do to help me slow down and really think if the shiny thing I want to buy is a true need vs a want I’m just trying to convince myself is a good plan is that I keep my credit card in a block of ice in the freezer. It doesn’t damage the plastic and going home to get my card thawed out gives me time to calm down and really think about what I’m about to do. Best regards

    6. Snow Drift*

      My issue with cutting back on spending is that you want to actively DO something, but not shopping is by nature NOT doing anything. My solution is to document it actively in a spending journal, and attaching a useful behavior to it. For example:

      11/25: Did not buy $139.95 boots I wanted from Nordstrom. Spent 45 minutes scrubbing and polishing current shoes. Scheduled re-heeling at cobbler for two pairs that need it.
      11/30: Did not buy $19.95 exfoliating lip polish I wanted from Sephora. Spent 30 minutes on YouTube watching organic beauty bloggers; made own lip scrub from brown sugar.

    7. matcha123*

      Oh man, I really get what you are feeling.
      I do not have a huge salary to being with and I am trying to save money, but since I rarely go out with people, have no boyfriend, and feel like I dunno…I tend to spend on things I really don’t need. But I want because I spent the majority of my life holding back on things for myself.

      One thing that has helped is window shopping. When I window shop, I mentally run through the things I already have to see if that “omg, so cute sweater!!11” is similar to one I have at home.
      I make it a habit to check clothes that I have packed away. Just a week or so ago I was thinking that I didn’t have any winter sweaters, which didn’t make sense. As I was opening up one clothing box, I saw a bunch of winter sweaters that I’d bought on sale earlier this year!

      The same with makeup, which I don’t really use. So, I am on a mission to use up what I have and only replace what I need. In my case that means eyebrow stuff is the only thing I buy regularly. I’ve got more than enough lipstick and gloss.

      Really, I think you have to rediscover what you already have. And also continue to push yourself to make saving a priority.

    8. misspiggy*

      You could rework the urge to shop into productive activities that still result in a tangible ‘gift’ to yourself. Like going for a walk with the intention of taking one or two nice photos to use as wallpaper. Or baking, or preparing some food for the week in advance so you’ll have meals waiting when you’re tired and hungry. Things like revamping your room with fabrics you might have had sitting in a cupboard. Also drawing, crafting, journalling and so on.

      If you feel too shattered, indulging in a treat like 30 mins of gaming, rereading a well-loved novel or firing up a trashy TV programme can be a nice substitute for online shopping. It’s the idea of stopping and saying yes, I’m going to do a Nice Thing for myself now.

    10. MindOverMoneyChick*

      So weird this came up. I’m reading this because I’m procrastinating prepping for a presentation on the science of spending and happiness that I’m giving on Tuesday. Here are a couple of suggestions from the talk. I agree with what people said about replacing the old habit with a new one. If your not quite ready to cut spending yet, start spending in ways that work better for creating lasting happiness that stuff. Ironically experiences help our mood long term so much more then things. I know you don’t have a lot of interests but see if you can “buy” yourself some new ones. Make it a mission to shop for some travel experiences you would like to have, course you would like to take or even a gym membership. These things will fill the void more effectively than “stuff” and the research may help you fill the time.

      Also an exercise I give my clients who love to shop is to pick a “buy” day or two each month. They can window shop all month long, but not actually purchase until the buy day . If they like to shop online, I have them use pinterest and amazon wish lists to keep track of what they find. If they like to shop in stores I have them take pics with their phones and then keep them in a list. Then on buy day they can actually purchase anything from the list they want within a set dollar amount. I also encourage them spend on items they found they actually thought about when they weren’t looking at the list. You’ll find most items don’t come into your head at all during the month when you aren’t shopping, so you won’t miss them if you don’t have them.

  73. Nervous Accountant*

    I went to a Dr on Monday and at the end of the visit they handed me a copy of a summary for the follow up visit. I usually don’t look at it and it’s always available on my portal as well.

    Except this time, I looked it over 2-3 days later and I see that they gave me 2 different peoples summaries!

    Not to mention, when I was at the counter, there was an intake sheet with someones SS# and insurance info and the receptionist didn’t seem too concerned that it was there.

    When I was checking in @ the receptionist, another one had called another patient over and he was talking over me–the receptionist attending to me saw I was uncomfortable and told her to tell the patient to go around the other side…. like WTH?

    This is a major hospital system/network.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Sometimes I think HIPAA rules only apply to the family members of the patient. Everyone else does whatever.

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        Oh that’s interesting, I didn’t realize that. I’ve been going to various drs/departments at this medical center over the last fewyears and either I never noticed it or this never happened.

        1. Dr. Anonymous*

          Oh, that’s not okay! HIPAA rules certainly do apply to not handing out other people’s patient information all over the place. A phone call to the clinic manager or patient advocate would certainly be helpful to other patients and the clinic. Medical care is provided by humans, who get sloppy sometimes and may need a wake up call to tighten up their procedures and do the right thing.

      2. Mimmy*

        Ugh I think my primary’s office ignores HIPAA entirely. There is no real barrier between the waiting area and where the two assistants work and, because the room is small, there really isn’t much privacy. The girls have what would think are sensitive phone conversations with patients or other providers right there where those seated closest to the desk may be able to hear some details.

    2. Wishing You Well*

      Wow. Do you want to inform the administration about this? Your personal information isn’t safe here.
      If you want to have any impact, put your observations in writing – names, date, etc. If you don’t want to say anything, that is your choice. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.

    3. Red Reader*

      Contact their customer service hotline and let them know. Provide as much detail as you can about whoever gave you the paperwork. They’ll almost certainly apologize profusely and ask you to shred or tear up the other person’s documentation.

      If you’re feeling good-Samaritan, you could snail-mail the documentation to the other person instead (assuming their address is on it) along with a note so they can file a complaint themselves. I personally didn’t bother with that when I was in your shoes, which is a decision I’m obviously comfortable with.

    4. bananarama*

      One time I was in a waiting area with a bunch of people and the receptionist called out my name and personal information…and without thinking I also said out loud “thank you for sharing my personal information with everyone here” (I am in general a very quiet person so this was very out of character for me) …. and she got red and apologized and it didn’t happen again.

      1. Rebecca (I am still Furious!!)*

        I’m glad my doctor’s office just calls out our first names, and then the nurse waits until we’re actually in the exam room to ask detailed questions.

  74. Natalie*

    Well, our long search for a second dog has ended and we are exactly one week into puppydom. The older dog is doing amazing, miles above what I expected. Apparently he’s not remotely territorial – he is sharing all of his toys and considers the food bowls open invitation.

    Puppy is… fine. I mean, he’s a week in and annoying the bejesus out of all of us but realistically doing very well with separation, housebreaking, etc. Our biggest hurdle at this point seems to be that he was separated from his mother too early – the litter was found without mom, so it couldn’t be helped – but his denning instinct and bite inhibition aren’t great.

    I’ll link some pictures in a reply

      1. Ali G*

        He’s adorable! And your big one is so handsome. You might look into single puppy syndrome. I know he had siblings, but if he didn’t learn the “etiquette” mom’s teach their pups, it pretty similar and could be helpful in your training.
        Good luck!

        1. Natalie*

          Oh, thanks! That might be the search term I need. A lot of the “standard” advice for biting and so forth just isn’t working.

          (Oops, imgur gave the links backwards.)

          1. rogue axolotl*

            This might be obvious advice, but I really recommend looking into puppy socialization classes, facilitated by someone who understands dog behaviour. They are great for pairing up dogs with compatible personalities and reinforcing good dog etiquette. One of my local pet shops was running these weekly by donation, and it was really helpful.

    2. Avalon Angel*

      Good luck!

      I’m looking forward to getting my service dog next year. She will either be a Bernese Mountain Dog or an Australian Shepherd. The type of dog I need needs to be big, and I am not terribly fond of Great Danes, Saint Bernards, and Standard Poodles.

      1. Greymalk*

        Oh, that’s a hard wait! But it is so good to hear it’s pending… kind of like waiting for a baby due date, you keep thinking of all the growing they are doing while you are waiting for them!

  75. Avalon Angel*

    Thanks for the book suggestion! I’m currently reading Allison Weir’s book on England’s medieval queens, but am happy to follow that with a more recent royal lady!

  76. Marguerite*

    Help! My bra straps keep sliding down! Even if I adjust the strap, it still slides! Any advice?

    1. Reba*

      You likely need a smaller band size. A fitting might be in order. If you can’t get to a store with competent people (Nordstrom comes to mind), Bra Fittings By Court has a downloadable guide for $20. A Bra That Fits and the reddit A Bra That Fits beginner’s guide has a highly regarded, free online measuring tool.

      If you just have sloping shoulders and this happens with all your bras, you might need to change over to styles with straps set closer to the center of the back (away from your arms), or even full racerback style. I’ve never had success with the clips and things that are supposed to hold bra straps up, I find them really uncomfortable. Good luck!

      1. Lcsa99*

        I actually think it might be the cup size. This is a problem I had forever and realized that the cup size all the fitting guides gave me was too big. When I did a smaller cup they stopped moving.

        Either way it’s probably the size of the bra itself. Whoever invented bras should be strung up by their toes.

    2. Wishing You Well*

      Re-sew the ends of the back straps to the middle of the back of the bra – racer-style. Check Youtube for other bra hacks. You can also try one-piece sports bras or go to a bra department for a professional fitting for the right brand for you. Hope this helps.

      1. The New Wanderer*

        I had to reattach the straps for YEARS to get them not to slide down. I even had the spaghetti straps on my wedding dress attached in a V-shape in the back. The trick is to find straps that are separate from the band itself (most of mine now have straps that are all of one piece with the band and cups, but they don’t slide down somehow!). Racer-backs were hard to find for a while but that’s the style I like best.

    3. Nervous Accountant*

      I have the same issue. I can’t size down bc it would be too tight and leave indentation marks. Racer backs/adjustable strap ones are really helpful.

      Tbh I’ve given up on wearing nice bras. I’ve been wearing bralettes this year and if they sag they sag.

    4. Dr. Anonymous*

      You can also pull the bra straps closer together halfway up the back with by sewing a loop of ribbon or elastic around them. Or you can get lingerie guides that pin into the shoulder seams of your shirt to keep the straps from slipping down.

    5. The Other Dawn*

      I’d love to know the magical answer to this one, too! It’s so annoying. I’ve never found a bra where the right shoulder strap doesn’t slide down. I’ve adjusted each strap so they’re tight, I’ve tried different sizes. It must just be sloping shoulders for me.

      And bras just suck for me in general. It’s even worse now that I’ve lost a lot of weight because of the extra skin under my arms, plus I lost weight in my breasts, too, and I sag a bit. Getting the right fit is hard. I now buy the plunge push-up bras from Lane Bryant and they fit well, but the straps still slide down! Also, those bras are really difficult to make fit into my dresser drawers because of the molded cup. They’re often laying around in the bedroom since they don’t all fit into the drawer, and my husband tells me to “put [my] t!ts away.” LOL

  77. MsChanandlerBong*

    If I believed in reincarnation, I would think I had been a serial killer in a past life or something. I can’t get a break with my medical maladies. In 2017, I was diagnosed with monoclonal gammopathy. Basically, I have a protein in my blood that isn’t supposed to be there. My bone-marrow biopsy showed that my marrow has some plasma cells, but not enough for a diagnosis of multiple myeloma, which is a good thing. A few weeks ago, I had blood drawn for a panel of tests ordered by my rheumatologist. He called me early this week and said the results aren’t great. My ESR and CRP (both markers of inflammation) are extremely high. In fact, they are the highest they’ve ever been. My ESR is almost double what it was when I had the heart attack, and it’s over four times the highest normal value. My CRP is 12 times the normal value. My anti-SSA and anti-SSB antibody tests were also “high positive.” My rheumatologist is concerned that my monoclonal protein level is spiking, as an elevation in ESR can correspond to an increase in M-protein. So now I have to go back to the oncologist and go through the whole rigamarole again and just hope and pray I do not have multiple myeloma now.

    I am trying to focus on the positive (I have decent insurance; I’ve already met my out-of-pocket max, so now is a great time to need more medical care, as I won’t have to pay anything, etc.), but I am also somewhat worried.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Bence Jones test?

      Prayers, well wishes, good vibes, whatever your preferences are, I will do.

      My husband had MM.
      MM incubates in the body for years and years. I would be very surprised if you had it. It seems to me that they would have identified markers and had you set for routine tests. Even if a person has markers they can go on for quite a while, holding down jobs and going about life.

      Please keep us posted as you go along… if you wish, that is.

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        I’ve had the Bence-Jones test done (although they call it the UPEP at my lab). My serum M-protein level was fairly low, but my hematologist/oncologist was surprised by the UPEP result. He expected that there would be no M-protein in the urine, but the result was 67 (I forget the unit of measurement). My kappa/lambda free light chains are both abnormal, as is my kappa/lambda ratio. They identified the M-protein as IgA kappa, so my kappa FLC is much more abnormal than the lambda FLC (about 15 times higher than normal). I had a skeletal survey done to see if I have any bone lesions. They didn’t find any, but that was over a year ago. My calcium was also normal the last time it was tested, so I don’t think I have multiple myeloma, either, but I have a bad feeling. Every time I start feeling better, the rug gets pulled out from under me. Even if I don’t have it, it’s more money down the drain, more potentially invasive testing (my nephrologist wants to do a kidney biopsy if the M-protein level increases to 5.0 or higher), and so forth.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Calcium is normal, no bone lesions. See, this to me sounds like a huge plus in your favor. I am no doc, of course, but from what I have read it takes years and years for MM to go big. This is NOT something that blows up in one year. And def you would have calcium loss symptoms because that is MM’s big goal to “chew up bone”.

          I do want to be sure to say, that I don’t doubt the part about something bothering you. Generally people are fairly intuitive and reliable, that is my belief. Because of this I believe that there are very, very few people who are true hypochondriacs. It’s possible for us to discern tiny differences in our bodies that docs don’t pick up on. So I hope they find what is going on that is sending you warning signals.

          1. MsChanandlerBong*

            Thank you so much. My main problem is that I have too many problems. It’s not like I am a generally healthy person who happened to develop symptoms and then have an abnormal test result. I already have kidney disease, so the kidney issues I have are not from MGUS/MM. Same thing with neuropathy. That can be a sign of MM, but it can also be associated with kidney disease. I also have spina bifida, which can cause nerve issues. So it’s difficult to make an accurate diagnosis, and then it’s difficult to find a treatment, as I can’t take a lot of meds due to their effects on the kidneys.

    7. Bluebell*

      So sorry to hear this, but it’s good to hear you have specialists already and not just a PCP not sure of what’s going on. Do your oncologist and rheumatologist talk to each other? And since you’ve met minimums maybe see if you should be hooked up with a nutritionist or any other supportive care. Sending you good thoughts and internet hugs.

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        I think the oncologist probably sent the rheum a consultation note since the rheum is the one who referred me to him, but there is no coordination of care between them. The oncology center actually has a rheumatologist on staff. I was thinking of switching so everything would be in one place, but I am not sure I want to start over with someone new.

    8. It’s all good*

      Ugh. I too hope it’s not MM. but I can tell you that there are so many treatments available that work fast for most (my dad has MM). Hope for a diagnosis soon.

  78. Wishing You Well*

    I am sorry you’re going through all this. Please treat yourself well and do what you can for your physical comfort.
    My Best Thoughts to you and Jedi Hugs, if you want them.

    2. ThatGirl*

      I think Pandemic is better with at least three…

      We have a lot, let’s see… Hive, Love Letter, Arboretum, Qwirkle, Ingenious… for starters.

    3. LizB*

      7 Wonders Duel, Star Realms, Lords of Waterdeep, Carcasonne are some of my fave higher-strategy ones that are good for 2 players.

    5. Ktelzbeth*

      Cat below mentioned Splendor, but it didn’t thread, so I’m adding it here because I heartily agree. One of the Ticket to Rides is geared toward 2-3 people, though I haven’t tried it specifically.

      1. Ginger Sheep*

        I’ve found Ticket to ride (Europe) not great for two persons (though it definitely can be played), but I loved playing Carcassonne with my ex!

        1. Ktelzbeth*

          I checked my games. The one geared for small groups (2-3) is Ticket to Ride Nordic Countries.

          Also, I’m glad someone else still games with their ex.

    6. WannabeBoardGameAfficionado*

      Well, both Chess and Go would qualify and are great, but I’m guessing you’re asking about more modern games with slightly lower mastery levels and better theming.

      So, an unorganized list of what comes to mind:

      Hive
      (Has an insect theme (includes spiders), which some people have problems with.)

      Through the Ages: A New Story of Civilization
      (Can get a bit cutthroat; the “taking you down is as good as building myself up” is often strong in this one.)

      High Frontier
      (This is a ‘left-field’ suggestion, so definitely do your research on this one. Not 100% sure that it’s actually a game in the sense most people mean. It’s got points and victory conditions, but may be better played as “did I achieve the goal I set for myself” experience. I think it may currently be OOP, which will mean the secondary market’s prices will be insane, but a new release may happen in 2019.)

      Clank! In! Space!
      (Main mechanics are deck-building and push-your-luck; strategy comes from the combination of the two. The precursor game, Clank!, isn’t bad, but this re-implementation fixes a couple of edge cases and tightens the theming. Competion is somewhat indirect here.)

      Spirit Island
      (A cooperative game. Currently my go-to game for co-op in the 2 to 4 player range. Definitely worth checking out.)

      Race for the Galaxy
      (A card game, so possibly not technically what you’re looking for. Currently what I play most often when playing 2 player. Unfortunately, my copy has the first three expansions mixed in, so I can’t really say what it’s like without them. I bought them as they came out, so there was enough in the base game to cause me to want to play and expand the game.)

    7. Overeducated*

      Agricola and Castles of Mad King Ludwig. Race for the Galaxy and Dominion, if you’re open to card games.

    8. gecko*

      Seconding Race for the Galaxy.

      Targi is a really interesting one that’s about worker placement, so you’re setting meeples down to use action spaces, but you’re also strategically lining up your meeples to use additional action spaces in the unreachable parts of the board.

      Patchwork and Indian Summer are similar spatial-relations games, where you place down little jigsaw-like pieces to try and fill in a board of blank space. I’d recommend Indian Summer over Patchwork especially for a strategy lover but both are great!

      If you’re looking for a heavy game that’s still good with two people, two are A Feast For Odin (VERY heavy, very fun) and Village (awesome awesome game).

      Finally the escape room games in the Exit series are GREAT with 2 players but one use only.

    9. heckofabecca*

      – Ticket to Ride (I’ve only played the Rails and Sails version)
      – Twilight Struggle (long, very strategic: Cold War strategizing based on real events)
      – as others have mentioned, Splendor and Pandemic
      – Innovation
      – Forbidden Island (cooperative)
      – my husband and I are slightly crazy, so we play Sentinels of the Multiverse by ourselves with two heroes each (cooperative)

    10. Lemon Whirl*

      I can +1 on the Race for the Galaxy rec – and I don’t have the expansions.

      I also really love Port Royal, which is simple and fun but involves some strategic thinking.

      Also a big fan of Citadels and also Small World.

      1. jolene*

        Lost Cities the card game.

        Battlelines.

        Caesar and Cleopatra.

        Balloon Cup, though it’s lighter.

  81. fposte*

    Ugh. USPS. I just want my package! I’m two different apps and a website that doesn’t allow you to use apostrophes along and all I’ve managed to do is ask them to deliver it on two different days simultaneously because the QR code and number aren’t matched up. I’m just hovering by the door in case I can just buttonhole the carrier and be done with it.

    1. Lcsa99*

      I hate USPS sometimes. And even if you manage to be there when the guy comes, he might not have your second package. I’ve found they have one person for the mail, one for just bigger packages, and one for later stuff, then this time of year they have other random people delivering so there is no way to know where the one you want will be. It’s just so frustrating.

      1. fposte*

        Fortunately, I did manage to stop her and get it. But it was just one package with two different records attached to it. Don’t know how that even happened!

      2. Enough*

        Also where I am they are short staffed. So when my mailman was out one day they just didn’t deliver that day. And my route is the largest by volume.

    2. MsChanandlerBong*

      USPS is driving me nuts this year. Their tracking info is always wildly out of whack. “Your package was delivered.” Check porch, no package. Check around the yard, no package. Call them. “Oh, the original status was wrong. It will be delivered tomorrow.” I ordered a gift card for my in-laws, and USPS said it was delivered Wednesday. No delivery (and we have a locking mail box; the only people who can get into it are us and the carrier, so no one stole it). So I call Amazon and tell them the gift card is lost. The rep says he’ll replace it. Three days later (Saturday), the original gift card shows up…no idea why it said it was delivered Wed. when it was really delivered Saturday.

    3. Gatomon*

      USPS is on my last nerve. I ordered a small item from Amazon. It said it was delivered to my mailbox, which is a locking box in a large complex. You can fit mail and smallish flexible packages inside. They love to shove stuff in there instead of the parcel lockers.

      Well my item wasn’t anywhere to be found. Not in the box where they said it was, no key to any parcel locker and not on my doorstep. I immediately filed a report online, and the postmaster left me a message where he outright laughed at my report in the voicemail. Package never arrived, so Amazon sent me a replacement, which the mailman marked as unable to deliver because there wasn’t a safe place to deliver it. So then I had to go through their online process to tell them to just leave it in the right *(#@%! mailbox, and it arrived fine. I guess whoever does my mail on Mondays is a real gem. I assume this person either actually took my package or stuck it in the wrong box (and whoever got it kept it.)

      If I could pay extra to have everything come UPS I would. They have mucked up before but their customer service is miles better.

  82. LizB*

    I got a super generous gift of Chanukah money from my boyfriend’s parents this year, so of course I just went and dropped almost the whole thing on new bras. On the plus side, I have a whole new set of bras, which I’ve desperately needed for a while! And they’re all cute and they fit properly! On the minus side, WHY is it so expensive to buy a very normal piece of clothing. Yeah, I’m a “weird” size, but I honestly think if more people got measured properly it wouldn’t be that uncommon a size… and yet only fancy European brands sell it. Sigh.

    1. Bluebell*

      New bras are the best! Enjoy. I also have a slightly different bra size that is hard to find so every few years I’m at the lingerie place in the schmancy mall in town with beautiful lighting in the dressing rooms. But it’s always so nice afterwards.

    2. NACSACJACK*

      We had this very same discussion after Morris Dancing practice re: Sports Bras. It should be noted it’s my boyfriend’s Morris Dancing group and we were the only two guys at the table. we have less than 0% interest in bras. but o my G, the cost!! We dont spend nearly that much on underwear, my limit is $26 and its got to be special.

    3. Isotopes*

      I actually just ordered a bunch from Freshpair. I have a slightly less common size as well so can’t really shop in the cheaper stores. I always scope out the sales. And then I tend to buy 4 or 5 all at once. This time I got 6…hoo boy. And then wear them until they’re literally falling apart, which is the point I’m at now. I bought them all but they haven’t shipped yet…hopefully they’ll get here before Christmas though, and then they’ll be my present to myself! $164 for 6 bras…I remember the first time I went to a specialty store, the one bra that was amazing and fit perfectly was…$214. I went home and cried! Thank goodness for the internet.

  83. Lady Jay*

    I swear, every day (or so) for about an hour, my downstairs neighbour sounds as though he’s fixing his sink. There’s a lot of grinding and scraping and occasional bumping coming from the general area of the kitchen floor.

    Anybody want to make a guess at what he’s been doing? I’m going to wager . . . . building a scale model of Michaelangelo’s David out of nothing but plastic piping!

    1. Lcsa99*

      I think he’s building a time machine from discarded electronics, cardboard boxes and duck tape.

      1. Lady Jay*

        Love this idea! Maybe I should make friends with him-I’ve always wanted to see what the Roaring 20s were like! ;)

    2. Lcsa99*

      Or maybe he is auditioning for a play based on Christmas Story so he’s practicing the basement scenes.

    4. Crystal Smith*

      I had a downstairs neighbor who sounded like they would open and then slam a cupboard door, over and over and over for hours. It turned out he was a (terrible) amateur juggler, and the sound was him dropping his practice balls. He was incensed when I asked if he could practice on a rug! Having neighbors is really weird sometimes

  84. Red*

    Anyone here have lupus? My rheumatologist thinks I might and I am curious what your experiences are.

  85. Autumnheart*

    I am very pleased about a successful social gathering earlier today! I have a good friend who’s a colleague of mine at work. And then I have another good friend whom I met in the context of a different social group. All three of us like doing similar things and get along for largely the same reasons, so I decided to “cross the streams”, and the three of us got together for the afternoon to check out a local holiday event. My friends hit it off, and we spent an enjoyable afternoon hanging out like we’d been doing it for ages. It’s always nice when that works out.

  86. Nacho*

    Are home warranties worth it? I bought a condo in March along with a year long home warranty. the year’s almost up, and I’m trying to decide if it’s worth it to buy another year or not.

    The condo’s previous owners were an old couple who used it as a holiday home, so the appliances are all ancient and pretty much no work has been done on anything in a long time. I’ve already had an issue with my shower breaking where the plumber told me it was probably because of how old it is. On the other hand, it’s a small condo, and the only appliances are a stove, a fridge, and a washing machine. The plan only really starts to pay for itself after the second thing breaks, so I’d need to call an electrician/plumber/mechanic at least 3 times a year to see any benefit, and this year I only called once.

    Anybody else have a home warranty? Do you like it?

    1. Ali G*

      We just renewed ours for the second time. Our appliances are nearing the 20 year mark. In the last 2 years we have had the following fixed for a $150 deductible:
      Multiple water leaks in a bath tub (3 visits to fix)
      A 6-month long saga in getting our oven fixed (while this was so annoying, there is only one model of oven that can replace ours, and it costs over $3k and we would have to do minor construction to replace it which we are not ready for)
      Fixing a bad exhaust for our furnace that could kill us (carbon monoxide).
      Now the vent broke on the oven – not sure what we are going to do about that. Bottom line – if it’s not too expensive (ours is a few hundred dollars a year), if you have older appliances, etc. it can be worth it. I look at it like car insurance. You don’t get the money back if you don’t use it, but it’s awesome when you do.
      Also, in the condo I owned previously you need to know what you are responsible for. If it’s a pipe that only feeds your unit and it fails, you are likely responsible. If that is something your warranty covers, that could be more useful.

      1. Red Reader*

        I’ve been advised though that they only cover appliances up to a certain age, like if your fridge craps out just because it’s a 20 year old fridge, they will likely claim it’s not covered because a warranty doesn’t protect against natural aging or some such. Mine didn’t do anything toward my heat pump replacement partly because the previous owner didn’t leave any maintenance records and partly because it was 4 years past its expected life span, and the furnace guy I ended up going with told me that in his experience they are really good at finding excuses not to cover things. I’ve had mine for two years and never successfully used it; I’m thinking about just scrapping it but it’s hard to pull the plug Just In Case. :-P

    2. Book Lover*

      Yes, really depends on the cost of what could go wrong. I got a new water heater and air conditioner and then a new air handler, so worth it for me. If you have a new house and appliances then not so much.

    3. Rhymes with Mitochondria*

      Not through Landmark!
      They really stunk. Sent us a “repairman” who, within 5 minutes of arriving, asked me for the wifi password because he was out of data and wanted to see if there was a YouTube video on how to fix the problem. Even with the help of YouTube, he couldn’t figure it out and they refused to send anyone else. We ended up paying for that repair ourselves.
      When you do need a replacement, they replace with the cheapest piece of crap they can. Replaced my oiled bronze shower head with white plastic. They do not replace with equal value. We ended up paying for an equal value replacement ourselves.
      And the worst of it, when our water heater exploded and flooded the main floor of our house on a weekend, they told us to shut off the water to the whole house and call them next week to start the 4-6 week process of getting it replaced. And no, they weren’t going to put us up in a hotel or cover the water damage. We ended up paying for a new one ourselves, because 4-6 weeks without water in the house is unacceptable.
      Thank goodness the seller paid for it. And they pushed HARD for us to renew it.
      Absolutely do not use Landmark!!!

    4. ..Kat..*

      You probably have a heating (or HVAC) system and a waterfall heater. Does it cover electrical wiring?

          1. Seeking Second Childhood*

            In a greenhouse. Wouldn’t that be a good use of a PowerBall windfall? Now I just need to win PowerBall.

    5. ThatGirl*

      We had one when we bought our house and it was not worth it. Our AC broke and all they did was put some coolant in, said a new one wouldn’t be covered because of previous improper repairs. Which happened way before us. Very frustrating.

    6. Dan*

      As a rule, any insurance or warranty is a “bad” value if you can otherwise afford the expense yourself.

      From a math standpoint, it’s easy to calculate the probabilities of something breaking and the expected costs of repair. So there’s a “break even” point where in the long run it doesn’t matter what you do, the cost is the same. But the warranty or insurance company is going to add a profit margin on top that, meaning you are expected to get the short end of the math stick.

      But some things can be catastrophic, in which case, insurance or a warranty can be worthwhile. The good news is that those types of things are usually rare, and therefore will have relatively cheap policies.

    7. Anono-me*

      A lot of utility companies offer a warranty /repair service. Since you’re in a condo, you might want see if that is available to you.

  87. Overeducated*

    Do you have any favorite home organization/decoration sites for inspiration? Or any little things you did in your home that made a big difference in how you feel? My apartment still looks like a broke grad student’s, and I am no longer one, even if I’m not buying a house and filling it up with all new stuff either. I’m just looking for simple ways to spruce it up by moving things around, decluttering, rearranging pictures, and maybe adding or replacing a few pieces of furniture. You are a practical bunch, I’d love suggestions!

    1. Notthemomma*

      Replace all your photo frames with the same color/style or repaint them to be the same color; it will look like an intentional decorative choose and not a mush-mash.

      Decide on a color family for rooms and bring in different items within that family- again, don’t have to be matchy-matchy. Decide on what you like for wood-natural? Painted? And invest in a good quality bookcase for your books; deciding on colors and textures now will make it easier to complement in the future.

      I would also suggest you start a binder with room dimensions and measurements of where windows, doors, and vents are. Also include, paint colors, furniture color, styles, fabric swatches- take that with you when you shop so you have a handy reference.

      1. Snow Drift*

        Related to the picture frame idea: I extrapolate that into a more general rule. Have everything tie together in either shape, color, or material. There should always be one aspect of every like item that meets one of those criteria, but more overlap creates even more cohesion.

        So, I would do all black picture frames in a variety of shapes, or all plain wooden frames in one color family, or all patterned picture frames in metallic tones.

    2. Llellayena*

      I get too many ideas from HGTV magazine. In general though, get good area rugs for under furniture groupings and if you have obviously mismatched furniture do something to make them relate to each other. Like paint all the mismatched dining chairs the same color. Replace key, cheap pieces (like an ikea lack coffee table) with something you like that works with the finishes that are staying in the room. You don’t have to spend a ton, sales and second hand are fine if they’re in good shape. Group artwork by theme, either color or subject, multiple pieces in one area look planned while solo pieces on large expanses of wall look like you’re just trying to fill space. Think about different heights, some low furniture and some taller pieces. Same with lighting, some table lamps mixed with taller floor lamps and decorative ceiling fixtures (think small chandelier or grouping of pendants or something artistic). Have fun and let your personality and personal interests shine through!

    3. fposte*

      Surfaces: If you like tchotchkes, group them rather than just putting them around evenly or willy-nilly. You can put them on a tray or even a scarf or other fabric to emphasize the group. If you like dumping stuff on surfaces, find something for paper (an IKEA basket can work great) and something for odds and ends like pins and leftover screws–a nice little bowl or saucer that you’re not using much will do. That corrals them for the great Putting Away Time, and they don’t look bad in a nice little bowl.

      If you wear glasses and misplace them, have an official glasses place that you like. I find the bottom plate of butter dishes to be perfect, so I have a couple of nice ones from places like T J Maxx/Tuesday Morning in my bedroom and living room.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Pockets of clutter. yessss! I do themes for each pocket of knickknacky stuff. So one shelf has all weather type stuff, barometer, Galileo thermo, etc Another shelf has all the penguins and so on. I try to put the pockets in the room that makes the most sense. I have a lot of sea shells so the bathroom got a sea theme. I added shelves over the toilet and I used an existing shelf on top of the bathroom linen cabinet. Then I thinned the group to fit the area. Basically, I had to get rid of the duplication.

        1. fposte*

          I went backwards into this–I really like ceramics, and it finally dawned on me it would be a lot more fun to use the nice pottery I have than to keep it in a cabinet, and plus it means my things are corralled.

          I did a more downmarket version of that in my medicine cabinet with small plastic kids’ cups–they hold tubes of things and are easier to wash than the cabinet itself.

          1. Not So NewReader*

            I have those vintage porcelain covered tins in my medicine chest. yeahhhh. I put the tubes of stuff in them.
            But you probably knew that.
            LOL

      2. Overeducated*

        Sadly, I managed to lose my glasses a few weeks ago, i think between the bedside table (my usual spot) and the bathroom! Yesterday was a big cleaning and rearranging day to fit the Christmas tree, and they didn’t turn up like I was hoping. I don’t know how this happens in a small apartment.

        Surfaces are always a struggle, especially the kitchen table. I did get a basket for papers but it overflows fast. Maybe the great Putting Away Time needs to happen more often.

    4. Reba*

      I really like design sponge.

      Apartment therapy used to do these really handy pieces like “how to style a [kind of room]” and “how to figure out what size rug and where to put it.”

      I will say that getting a really nice shelf, i.e. it’s beautiful in itself, has actually helped me keep all the stuff on it in a nice state of order.

      Hope you have fun with the process!

    5. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Apartment Therapy… especially the older posts before they moved away from DIY to designers.

  88. Junior Dev*

    Has anyone used a personal shopper service? I just made an appointment at Nordstrom. How does it work?

    2. Madge*

      It’s fun. Your stylist will have a short conversation with you about sizes, what you’re looking for and your price range. And then they’ll bring a few things to the dressing room to see if they’re on the right track. Then while you try things on they’ll find more things. You are not obligated to buy any of it. My SIL used to go 4 times a year as her seasonal wardrobe refresher.

    3. catsaway*

      I have used Nordstrom twice; I had a mixed experience. My first appointment was not a success, I think she didn’t get exactly what I was looking for. I said that I wanted to get some workwear pieces and she tried to tell me that a grey jersey pencil skit with a zipper all along one side was business casual, and she tried to sell me a blazer that I thought was too constricting around the shoulders (I couldn’t lift my arms in front of me) by saying that since I’d just take my blazer off in the car not being able to lift my arms doesn’t matter. The second appointment I had was much more successful – I found a nice pair of slacks (with pockets!) and comfortable black flats.
      I’m not 100% sure why there was such a difference between the two appointments; it was probably a combination of stylist and the fact that the second time I has a better idea of what I wanted and what to ask for.
      Have fun!

  89. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

    We are in the midst of planning for our trip to SC/Georgia next April (Masters tickets!) and were thinking of getting in some beach time in south Georgia/north Florida. This will be the week before Easter – how rammed is it going to be with people? If we were to go to the barrier islands of Georgia I imagine it will be warm to walk along the water but not get into the water, correct? Any good recommendations for destinations off the tripadvisor-beaten path?

    I’m also an Early Space nerd – is going to Canaveral a zoo or totally worth it? We will likely fly home through Houston so may make a quick overnight stop there to see space stuff too.

    1. Wicked Witch of the West*

      No advice to offer, just saying I’m jealous! I’ve applied for Masters tickets for years, and have never been chosen.

      I did get to go to Antiques Roadshow with my brother (he got the tickets) two years ago and it was fab.

      Have a great trip, and enjoy the golf.

    2. Mrs. Fenris*

      Most places’ spring break is the week after Easter, but there still will be a lot of people. More so in Florida than GA…the barrier islands aren’t quite as well known. The water is (IMO) FREEZING. I don’t get in the water before Memorial Day any further north than Miami.

      My family grew up going to Jekyll Island (GA). It’s a very interesting, pretty little island that is really nice for a family vacation. Look at the website to see if it’s your thing. If you do decide to go, post back here because I know the place VERY well. Tybee Island is not quite as interesting, but it’s a pretty fun place, and it has the advantage of being next to Savannah. Jekyll is next to Brunswick, which is…not the greatest city. Disclaimer: some people don’t like the beach on the GA barrier islands. The sand is flat and gray and the water is brownish because of the plant tannins from the marsh side.

    3. acmx*

      OK I typed the below about the other Space center before I saw you said Houston (Canaveral is central FL). *Im leaving it anyways lol. I went to JSC last year and it wasn’t a zoo. Depending on the airport, it’s either about two hours (from IAH) or 30 from HOU.

      When I went to the KSC, it was not a zoo. FYI ticket is at least $50 (I’m a FL resident so I don’t know if i paid the local price) and parking is $10. Also, people like Playa Linda for the beach (Orlando people who have to drive far regardless). Its a park/preserve and costs $10 to park for the day. It’s part of the Cape if I understand correctly (I frequent a different beach closer to me).

      Also Orlando is ridiculous with tolls. Use the avoid tolls option on your GPS if you don’t mind slightly longer travel time (surface streets vs highway)

      Regarding water – it depends where you are from. Canadians and other tourists brave it when I stick to the summer months. (this is for Florida I imagine GA might be cooler?)

  90. buildings buildings*

    My building has a bunch of staff (doormen, porters, etc) and I am always unsure when to give them their gifts (typically money in a card). I’ve made the mistake of waiting until Christmas day/eve but then I miss many because they are out/on vacation then I leave the stack of cards with whoever was there but now I do enjoy giving it to them in person. But when should I start giving them?

    1. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I used to give all of my cards and gifts by the 23rd. But I don’t think they’ll mind if they come back from vacation and find a card/tip from you, so don’t sweat it too much.

  91. more gifts*

    What is a good gift for a personal trainer? Would a gift card be appropriate? And if so how much? I see them twice a week. We’ve been working together for about a year. They’re a great trainer but we are very different people in our lifestyles not related to athletics/fitness.

    1. Not A Manager*

      Do you work with the trainer through another employer, like a gym, or do you contract with them privately? If you’re paying a gym for the training time, I would think a gift card for something like Starbucks or a smoothie/juice place would be nice, especially if you put it into a thoughtful card.

      If you contract with them privately, and they come and meet you in your building or something like that, I think it’s nice to give them a check (or cash) for at least the cost of one session, if you can afford it.

  92. IntoTheSarchasm*

    Going to IKEA NEXT week! Have been there several times and have a few favorites but wondering if anyone would care to share any items they like it find more useful than they thought it would be, especially small items that are easy to miss.

    The only furniture I am scoping out is a new desk as I work at home (docked laptop, two 22 inch monitors, phone, writing/reference book space) that has to be lightweight as it is going upstairs. Interested in hacks for an L-desk that can be about 5 ft one arm and 6ft the other, 29-30 inches deep or more. Comfortable with a monitor shelf or can get an appropriate stand. Drawers are a plus. TIA for your creativity!

    1. Red Reader*

      Mine is the house that IKEA built. If I could only pick one item they carry, it would be a Kallax. 2×4, if we’re being really restrictive :) I have 7 in my home office and four in my dining room for appliance storage. they can go upright or sideways, you can put legs on them to raise them up a bit, you can add cupboard doors or shelves or drawers. My “computer desk” is two of them put at right angles to each other. They work either up against a wall or out in the middle of the room, look fine from all sides. The cubes are big enough for storage and small enough to organize. My husband’s computer desk is a tabletop that clips onto a Kallax in lieu of one set of legs, so he has the cubes to his left and the desk in front of him.

      1. IntoTheSarchasm*

        I have some Kallax but hadn’t thought of using one as a desk alone, though I have admired the clip on desk. Thanks!

    2. JxB*

      My number one moving tip is to go to Ikea and buy a stack of their big blue checkout bags. (Used to be 69 cents, then 99, now $1.29 – I think.) But still – these are so much better than boxes for anything not fragile if you are moving yourself. I learned this having two college-age kids who seemed to move every year, often to 3rd floor walk-ups.

      I keep a stack on hand and if I hear a friend or close work colleague is moving, I’ll take them some. Often recipients nod politely, offering thanks. But they always seek me out later that that was the BEST IDEA EVER!

      Each bag has handles and can hold up to 50 pounds. Makes it really easy to grab one in each hand for carrying up stairs. Reusable; just fold up when done.

      Plus – there are plenty of other uses. Most of my family keep at least one in the trunk of their car.

      And then if you go online, there are a lot of fun hacks to look up. Like dresses and other things made out of the bags.

      1. Anono-me*

        The blue bags are the best.

        I also love their sheepskin dusters and I have gotten some really nice rugs from Ikea.

    3. Red Sky*

      I’ve found the Bekvam spice racks very useful for storing/organizing small items all over the house. I’ve got them mounted inside closet and cabinet doors, but there’s tons of different ways to use them. Google bekvam spice rack hack and you’ll get a lot of interesting results.

    4. Llellayena*

      I’ve been wanting to have a reason to buy their 3-tier rolling cart in blue! But I’ve run out of room. I try to not walk through the lighting section because I want to bring it all home with me, I only have so many outlets! For a desk, be careful about the type of desktop you get. The pressboard/mdf table and desktops sag over time, especially with weight on them (like my sewing machine…). But I like that you can mix and match desk surface, legs and storage. Ooo…mirrors! They’ve done some fun things with mirrors, though I don’t know what they have right now. And I have a ton of their wooden magazine holders.

    5. Koala dreams*

      The most useful things I got from IKEA besides my bed and my bookcases are my spice tins. They are in glass with a plastic cover and very useful in the kitchen. Easy to use and easy to clean.
      Like Red I find the Kallax very useful, I use mine as a tv bench but you can use them as shelfes or whatever.

    6. Madge*

      I don’t know what they’re called, but they’re white plastic open boxes. Probably about 5x8x4 with a divot on one side. You’ll find them upstairs in the kitchen accessories area with the recycling bins. I have 5 or 6 now and they’re just so handy for holding papers that need to be sorted or a project or bedside items. I think they come in a larger size as well.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      I was just thinking that within the last week or so, too. Ditto from me, nep, I hope all is well and you are just working more at that other gig now.

  94. Bumpjumper*

    Warning: this is a post about weight loss

    I just need to celebrate and other than my spouse (who is very supportive and wonderful), I don’t really have anyone in meatspace I can comfortably share this with: As of this morning, I have lost exactly 9 lbs since October 28th! I am so pleased, not only because my clothes are fitting me more comfortably, but because I’ve been able to lose this weight in a way that hasn’t felt punishing, and I THINK *I hope* a lifetime of unhealthy all or nothing attitudes toward food might be fading away. I’ve enjoyed exercise for many years, but food has been the monkey on my back for such a long time. Ive still got 25-30 lbs to go, but I’m feeling very optimistic and excited about things.

    1. The Other Dawn*

      That’s fabulous! Keep up the great work!

      Yeah, the “all or nothing attitude towards food” is a really tough one for me. I’ve lost a lot through weight loss surgery, and even though workouts are on point now for almost three years, I struggle so much with eating right. I still have that all or nothing attitude. It’s as if I think the item, whatever it is, won’t be made anymore so I have to eat it all now before that happens. Like they’re going to stop manufacturing peanut butter cups or something, or McDonald’s is going to close up shop. Unfortunately that’s how my mind works when it comes to food, even after five years.

      1. Bumpjumper*

        This time of year, there are so many opportunities to indulge, so I’m trying to really make my indulgences count. Last night my husband and I went out for dinner and to a long awaited concert. Pork belly meatballs with butternut squash and carmelized Brussels sprouts and a really REALLY good sea salt gingersnap for dessert was SO much more satisfying than the junk I said no to all week. Next weekend we are going to a play and two Christmas parties, so I’m going to keep it as clean as possible this week, so I can thoroughly enjoy myself, guilt free. That’s the plan, anyhow!! :)

    3. JxB*

      This is so great. You definitely should be feeling proud of yourself. Losing weight seems like such a simple thing, right? You “just” eat sensibly and exercise. Ha! It’s soooo hard. Millions of us struggle with this. So, YES, celebrate your achievement!! Let that sense of pride and accomplishment carry you forward. Way to go!

  95. families!*

    I was so looking forward to meeting a new-ish friend later this afternoon but they just cancelled because they had things to do and I am feeling now so blah. It’s hard not to generalize to how few friends I have and how this is yet again not going to become the closer friendship I was hoping. This is probably aggravated by another friend not responding to my various emails of late, so who knows what’s going on there. Except, well if we never talk or see each other, it’s not a close friendship. And then I feel like everyone has their close friends/partners so they can “dabble” with me because I’m just extra but I came to friendships late and have no one to fall back on, so to speak.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Yeah, it’s really hard not to link this stuff together in our minds and draw larger conclusions that are usually pretty negative.

      However, it is true that people do value some friends more than others. And there is a variety of reasons why that happens, many of those reasons have absolutely nothing to do with us at all. One thing that helped me was to practice seeing their perspective. Of course they are going to want to see favorite family member or best friend from grammar school rather than see me. However, on a different day when these folks are not around, we could do something together. Check it out, if you told either of your friends that a special friend/family member was going to be around, they would probably cut you slack and say, “Okay well we can do X on a different day.”

      My suggestion is to add more people to your circle. Take your time and pick people carefully. It’s a good life habit anyway. As far as your email friend that won’t answer, I’d let that go and let her make the next attempt to connect. Some people just don’t read their emails often. Or if they are like me, yahoo does not always send the email through to me. I had the darnedest time getting emails to the vet for my dog. I have missed other important emails too. Email does not seem to be as reliable as people think, just my opinion.

  96. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

    Ugh. Was off for two weeks because my parents came to visit (yay!) and almost as soon as they got on the plane I came down with a nasty cold. Bleurgh. Now I am going to miss yet more work.

  98. Ali G*

    I need help! My niece and nephew (8 and 6) want Pokemon cards for Christmas. Apparently there are a lot of options. Does anyone have any suggestions of “themes” or specific packs that would be good for kids? I have no clue when it comes to this stuff. TIA – I am heading out for a couple hours.

    1. nacho*

      Are they already playing? If yes, buy the latest packs, none of them are especially good for kids, but the latest one is always the best. If they’re asking to get started, the latest theme decks are what you want.

    2. Book Lover*

      You can also get large quantities on eBay – people buy packs and sell the commons as lots. If they are starting out, that is a great way to get a bunch of cards.

  99. Snoring Pup*

    Late to ask but wanted to throw it out there: tips on getting the family into the Christmas spirit?

    It’s been a long hard year and I want to bring my family some Christmas cheer. Not that I want to force stuff on them but I think it would be far to easy to let the season slip by without a thought, simply because we want to take it easy. I want to give them reason to smile this year, beyond material gifts. What brings you and your loved ones Christmas spirit?

    1. misspiggy*

      Decorating the tree together with mince pies and music; lighting the stove and wrapping presents/writing cards together; going for wintry walks against an afternoon sunset; listening to cheesy Christmas music and playing Trivial Pursuit with the telly off.

    2. Anono-me*

      Decorating for the holidays, and shopping for the ‘mitten tree’. (Or toys for tots or your local equivalent.)

    3. Adele*

      I live about 45 minutes from two different zoos. Each have holiday lights displays in December. Walking to see the lights and to visit the buildings that are open has become a favorite holiday tradition. There is also a long road through a park with lights displays and a drive though there is fun, too, although I really love the group night bike ride that happens st the start of lights season.

      At home, if you have young children, an advent calendar is a fun tradition. Cookie decorating, ornament kits or diy options are also fun.

    4. LilySparrow*

      Music! We especially like the “crackling Yule Log” video on Netflix. It’s cheesy, but we don’t have a real fireplace and the cheesiness is part of the fun.

      Put on the musical fire and heat up some cocoa or cider, and we’re full of seasonal hygge.

    5. Ranon*

      We always like a lights display- whether it’s a formal one at a botanic garden or zoo or just wandering through the street/ neighborhood with the good lights.

      Throw in a really good/ bad ABC family holiday movie, ideally with gratuitous golden retrievers, and I’m good

  100. Nervous Accountant*

    A bitlate today so I may post next weekend aswell.

    any input/advice on buying a new laptop? I’m looking for a new one. I currently have an Acer, I bought it in Jan 2015 so it’s almost 4 years.

    Problem with thisone is that IT FREEZES and the awful space key. It’s not just internet, but every damn thing on this thing freezes/lags. No idea why.

    Idk if this is user error or what? I can’t remember when it started.. myhusband says its damaged from leaving it out in extremely cold spaces for too long (I leave it in kitchen, no central heating in my hmoe)

    Budget is $600. I don’t do much. During the week, I just usemy phone for almost everything, and use this on weekends. I think I’m using this at like 5010% capacity.
    Mostly use it to update my music, backup my pictures and browse the internet. so not looking for fancy.

    PS I’m looking to buy in January, so it’s not hugely urgent.

    1. 653-CXK*

      About three years ago, I was in the market to replace my outdated Acer pad, so I got an ASUS netbook at MicroCenter (www.microcenter.com) in Cambridge, MA – for $299 (before taxes). I use the netbook as a backup to my laptop (five years old), and it’s very much portable. Where your use is not that frequent, that may be the best bet; otherwise, Asus does have 15-17″ laptops at good prices.

      HP has a Green Monday sale with many laptops on sale (https://store.hp.com/app/slp/green-monday-2018/laptops) – I saw a couple that are within your price range. I’ve had good success with HP.

      Since you’re waiting until January, you may get very good deals at the stores once the Christmas hype is over. One thing I strongly recommend – do not let the retailer upsell you on stuff you don’t need.. Get the basic anti-virus and anti-malware software, but if they start pitching stuff you’re not familiar with and they dodge your questions, find a better retailer. That jacks up a reasonably-priced laptop beyond your budget.

    2. Observer*

      Look at some good chromebooks. You can get decent hardware in your price range and don’t have to worry about updates, etc.

    3. ..Kat..*

      Do you use an antivirus software? If so, when did you last run it? Have you defragged your hard drive lately? It could just be a space problem.

      Definitely get in the habit of bringing it into the bedroom at night.

    4. 653-CXK*

      I think my original comment went to the moderation box because I put in links to other websites (and it sounded overly promotional – sorry, Allison!)

      My current laptop is a Lenovo touchscreen I bought five years ago when my old Compaq laptop crashed. I also have a touchscreen netbook from Asus I bought three years ago from a local computer store. It cost me $299 and it runs on Windows 10; it has 64GB solid state memory, but you can add Micro SD cards for extra storage.

      1. 653-CXK*

        For my own reference, I looked at the “how to comment” section and yes, links go to into moderation, so this is a summary of the one that was just released.

  101. anon holidays*

    Why do friends ask you if you have plans for the holidays? I know it comes from a place of kindness but if I say no I feel I’m gunning for an invite, and if I say yes, then I suppose I won’t get invited. Why don’t they just invite you (or not)? I know it comes from kindness but it makes me bristle so.

    1. Lcsa99*

      I think it’s most likely people just trying to be polite. Most likely they aren’t even thinking “if she says no we can invite her.” It just doesn’t occur to some people that you might not have plans.

    2. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Usually it’s just small talk. “So, what are you doing over the holidays?” and if they’re friends, you either say, “Oh, I’m going to X” or, “No plans so far.” Then you return the question. You’re not “gunning for an invite” if they have no invite to give, and if they do want to invite you to something, then this conversation is a way to figure out if you’re available. There’s no need to lie to your friends, if they’re actually friends. I’ve had some wonderful Thanksgiving and pre-Christmas dinners that have come from this conversation.

    4. Not A Manager*

      Do you want to be invited, if you knew that it came from them genuinely wanting to share the holiday with you? If so, I would say something like, “I’m not quite sure yet,” or “things are a bit up in the air.”

      I agree that responding NO I DON’T HAVE PLANS SADFACE is sort of gunning for an invite, but I don’t think it’s wrong to signal that you might be open to an invitation if it were forthcoming. For me personally, I know lots of people that I’d be very happy to share the holidays with. I don’t have the space (or the inclination) to share the holidays with ALL of them, but I’d be happy to share with ANY of them, if that makes sense. So I don’t tend to offer an invitation to everyone right up front. I’m much more likely to just generally discuss holiday plans, and if it seems like they might be available, then I’ll ask them to drop by.

      In fact, that’s how we had one of our favorite families over for Thanksgiving this year. They have lots of friends and places to be, so honestly it never occurred to me that they might not have plans. It turns out they were “up in the air,” maybe this maybe that, so we invited them and they came and we were delighted.

      On the other hand, if you DON’T want to be invited, I’d be a bit more specific, like “I’m really looking forward to a quiet day with a few friends,” even if those friends are all on Netflix. I think if you say that you’re spending the holidays alone – even if you really want to and you’re looking forward to it – people might put pressure on you that you don’t really need.

    5. Rhymes with Mitochondria*

      Literally just asked a friend that today. She’s newly single and her kids will be with their dad this year. Honestly, I didn’t want to assume she would not have plans, as she’s sensitive to any tiny *hint* that she might be struggling right now. And yet, I would love to have her join in my holiday plans this year, too. I didn’t want it to come off as “You poor thing, without me, you’ll be all alone!”
      So I simply asked if she had plans. She does. Her plans involve Netflix and some fancy baking for herself.
      It’s a simple question. And it might not have ANYTHING to do with an invitation, it’s also a common way to make conversation.
      Your friends are not responsible for your bristling reaction.

  102. Bowserkitty*

    For the first time(?) in my life it has snowed several inches and I remain happy. Tentatively so, but happy nonetheless!

    Where I lived before I moved to Japan was a state that frequently goes negative fahrenheit in winter and can be for days or even weeks at a time. From what I hear here it hardly goes below freezing and everyone is already complaining about how cold it is (it is just above freezing right now). Meanwhile, my hardened midwestern body layered on a thick sweater and undershirt, some knee length socks and after my short winter coat I was ready to head out this morning! Even if it continues to snow, if it stays around this temperature I will be set.

    Hope it is nice and sunny wherever everyone else is.

  103. MysteryFan*

    I love your book recommendation about Princess Margaret. It reminded me of a book I read several years ago, a sorta satire by Marilyn Schwartz called “Why Princess Margaret Will Never be a Kappa Kappa Gamma”. I may try to find BOTH of them now!

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