I’m uncomfortable with my coworkers’ names, crying when laying someone off, and more

by Alison Green on January 3, 2019

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. I’m uncomfortable with my coworkers’ names

I work in the healthcare industry which is very diverse and have had this issue in several jobs, which is coworkers having names I feel uncomfortable about saying. Some examples of these names are: Princess, Honey, Sir, King.

I don’t feel comfortable calling a grown woman “Princess.” I feel bad because these people did not choose their names but it makes me feel so uncomfortable to refer to a coworker as “King.” Is there anyway around this without being rude? I’m bad at using humor in these situations and am always tempted to demand that they call me Empress Sweetie Boo or something equally ridiculous, but have to rein myself in before I offend someone. I find myself just avoiding people with names that are titles or pet names because I can’t face using them. Advice on how to handle this better would be very much appreciated!

It’s easy to feel uncomfortable when something is unfamiliar, but letting that make you avoid it altogether — or worse, making fun of it — is going to get you uncomfortably close to people you probably don’t want to be associated with.

It might help to know some context here: Names like King and Princess are pretty common in black communities, where there’s a long tradition of giving children names denoting respect as a way to get around racists’ historical refusal to use honorifics (like Mr. or Ma’am) with black people at all.

Use the names — and respect the names. The more you use them, the more they’ll feel like just names to you.

2. HR director cried while laying someone off

I understand HR has to be empathetic. Our admin for nine months had to be laid off in a RIF. The HR director cried during the separation. The employee handled it with class and professionalism. She was not misty eyed or on the verge of tears. What are your thoughts?

Your HR director messed up. It can indeed be really hard to lay someone off or fire them, but it’s far, far worse for the person who’s losing their job, and it’s really not nice to make the person who’s losing their job feel like you don’t get that or — worse — that they have to console you.

3. My boss makes me drive back to work if I forget to lock our cabinets — even when he’s still there

I’m an hourly employee at a medium-sized affiliate of a large, national not-for-profit. When I took this position about two years ago, I received written instructions from my predecessor that the last person out of the office was to ensure that a particular bank of cabinets was to be securely locked. While my shift starts at 8 am, my boss gets to the office around noon and stays well into the evening after I’ve gone home. Other employees also stay later than I. At my two-month review, I learned that, contrary to my instructions, it was actually my responsibility to ensure that the cabinets were locked and I’d been shirking my duties. I apologized and explained but was told point-blank that I should have known the instructions were incorrect and that “obviously” it was my duty to lock them.

I’ve tried to do so, but have forgotten at least five times in the past 24 months. In each case, my boss has called me at home after 6 pm and made me come back to the office (unpaid) to lock the cabinets. I live nearly 40 minutes away, and it can be a dangerous drive in the winter. All but one time he was in the office the entire time, and the one time he wasn’t, someone else was going to be pulling an all-nighter there. The one time I couldn’t make it back to the office because a friend had borrowed my car for an emergency, I tried unsuccessfully to hitch-hike/find another ride and was written up as a consequence. Again, there was someone in the office. I don’t hold the keys; they hang on a magnet on the side of a cabinet. Anyone can lock or unlock them them at any time, and they contain mostly personal files, organizational records, and petty cash. There have also been a couple of times when, while I was out of the office, my boss left them unlocked. It’s easy to do.

My boss has told that, other than the cabinets, I’m an outstanding employee who often goes above and beyond my job description. I possess an essential skill set, but the cabinets are holding me back. When I tried to suggest that maybe the most effective way of ensuring the cabinets were locked was to return to the idea of the last person out of the office doing the task, he told me that I just needed to learn to do my job, which was why he was making me come back to the office. I felt like a reprimanded child. I’ve been a manager myself and found that usually getting something done was more important that who does it. In fact, I often shifted tasks around to find the best person for a particular job.

I fully understand the importance of the cabinets being locked, I just don’t understand his methods. My coworkers say he’s abusive. Is he? What can I do?

At a minimum, he’s an asshole. Abusive? Eh, maybe. But I’m not sure that distinction really matters. He’s being a jerk, regardless.

To be clear, he might have good reason for not wanting to just have the last person to leave be the one who locks the cabinets. (For example, people are more likely to forget to do it when it’s not always their responsibility, and people may not always realize they’re the last one to leave, etc.). And it would be entirely reasonable for him to tell you that neglecting to lock the cabinets is a serious performance issue and for him to treat it as such. But making you drive 40 minutes back so he can prove a point is treating you like a child, not a professional adult — and that’s not something a good manager does to anyone, let alone repeatedly, and let alone to an “outstanding employee” with a history of going above and beyond.

What he should be doing is working with you to find a more reliable way of ensuring that cabinets are locked.

Is he a jerk in other ways, or is this an aberration? I’d take this as a flag to look pretty rigorously at how he treats you and others more broadly.

4. My office is moving a party to accommodate my due date – and I don’t plan to attend

I’m pregnant and due at the beginning of January. My office does a Christmas party in January every year, and this year it was scheduled it for my due date. Let me be clear that I was by no means offended by this. I didn’t expect to be able to go in the first place.

When we were asked to RSVP, I declined since I don’t want them to plan on my husband and I attending in case I go into labor early or on that day. Instead of accepting this, the party planner has moved the Christmas party back to the end of January so that I can attend.

The problem? I don’t want to go. I would either have to bring my newborn to the holiday party where we have a strict no-children-allowed policy that most parents are bitter about (but for some reason I’ve been assured that bringing my newborn would be OK and “nobody would care” because they’ll all want to meet him/her) or I would have to find someone to watch the baby and get dressed up and go to this party two weeks (maximum) postpartum. I’m usually pretty social and would go to the Christmas party, but I kind of just wanted to let this year slip by and enjoy the time at home with my newborn.

So, how do I gracefully say that I’m not going to be attending when the entire office has had to reschedule the party because of me (even though I didn’t ask for this)?

“Thanks so much for trying to accommodate me, but I’ll have just given birth and will have a newborn so I won’t be able to attend this year at all. I hope you have a great time though!”

If the party planner is so committed to your presence that she then offers to move it even further back, then you can say, “Please don’t plan around me. It’ll be a while before we’ll be ready to leave the baby with a sitter, so the plans should go on without me.”

5. How should I use a letter of recommendation?

I’m about to move states and so I’m also changing jobs and industries for the first time in 12 years — and the first time in my professional career. My current manager is very supportive and has written a general recommendation letter. My question is, how and when is it appropriate to include this letter in my application materials? If they don’t explicitly ask for one, do I disregard it entirely? Or is it like a cover letter — should I include it anyway?

Don’t include it. Letters of recommendation don’t actually carry much weight because (a) no one expects to find critical information in those letters, since the person they’re written about will read them, (b) when things get to the point that a hiring manager wants to talk to your references, they’ll want to ask their own questions about the specific areas they care about — and generally will want a phone conversation, because hearing things like tone, hesitations, and enthusiasm level can convey a great deal that most letters can’t.

So skip the letter and instead have your manager lined up as someone reference-checkers can call.

(Academia and law are exceptions to this, as they inexplicably continue to use recommendation letters — but they’ll explicitly ask for them.)

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{ 1,319 comments }

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    1. Pomona Sprout*

      How do you propose they do that? I’m not being snarky, honest. I just don’t see any way o.p. CAN make sure they’re getting paid, when Jerkface McBoss has made it clear that he is not going to do so. I just don’t see how it’s in o.p.’s power to make Jerkface McBoss pay them if he doesn’t want to.

      Maybe I’m missing something here, in which case, please educate me.

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        I think the bigger problem is that commute time isn’t paid, and I’m 99% sure that the drive would count as commuting, not working. (Presumably the time running in to lock the cabinets is de minimis.)

        1. Aaron*

          I know in some jurisdictions an employee needs to be paid for a minimum amount of time. Where I live in Canada if you show up for work and get sent home right away you need to be paid for 2 hours.

          1. JamieS*

            Would that apply in this situation though since OP is presumably being paid for the day they’d already worked so > 2 hours?

            1. Kathlynn*

              depends on when their shift ends. there has to be a minimum of 8 hours between shifts, and split shifts need to end a certain amount of time after the first starts. iirc that’s 12 hours after the shift starts. So if they start at 8am it would be considered a split shift and it would only be over time, assuming the LW got there by 8pm. Otherwise it would be a separate shift and they would be entitled to the 2 hours pay.

            2. Aaron*

              In my province of British Columbia, maybe. If not, the employee is entitled to be paid for travel time to cover this exact situation, as well as travel expenses. I’d imagine that some other places have their own rules, so probably a good thing for OP to dig into.

          2. AKchic*

            A lot of blue-collar work (union and non-union) that would be considered an after-hours call-out, and can be billed as 2 hours of pay (overtime pay).
            In some of my office jobs, I’ve used the metric of texts/phone calls billed at the 15 minute, anything where I’ve had to travel billed by the hour (minimum 1 hour). All overtime pay. Some places will say that even a phone call or text should be counted as an hour’s pay (overtime, of course). But, each company/industry is different.

        2. Jessie the First (or second)*

          In some cases the commuting time would in fact have to be paid.

          FLSA mandates that an employee who is called back to work after a shift ends and who must travel a significant distance to the worksite must be paid for that travel time.

          In addition, some states have more stringent laws.

          The issue would be whether the OP’s 40 minute commute counts as a significant distance. But the fact that it occurs after her shift is over is what could turn otherwise normal commuting time into paid time.

        3. Businessy Business Man*

          I think the boss is trying to prove a point and to use it as a punishment for forgetting. If it is the worker’s job to lock the cabinets and they didn’t, well, they still have to be the ones to lock the cabinets. I think the boss is saying “it’s not my responsibility to lock the cabinets.” I think this one is leaving some info out – I assume any reasonable boss would have told this person not to forget locking the cabinets after the first time or two. The fact that this person is being made to go all the way back to do it makes me think this process has happened already.

          1. Anna*

            That doesn’t change the fact that it’s shitty and kind of paternalistic to have the OP drive back to lock the cabinets. It’s the kind of thing your parents do to prove how you should have done the job properly in the first place. I don’t want anything to do with a boss who pulls the same sort of lesson-teaching my dad did when I was a teen.

      2. Alton Brown's Evil Twin*

        The bigger question is: if the keys hang on a magnet on the side of the cabinets, what’s the point of locking them at all?

          1. valentine*

            Yes. Alter the cabinet so it locks upon closing. It’s useless to lock them at all when you trust everyone who enters with the money, but this guy’s illogical all round. OP locking them doesn’t mean they’ll stay locked until the next time the business opens, so what use is it? Unless they switch to a system requiring credentials, there’s no way to even know OP3 forgot and I wouldn’t be surprised if the boss is gaslighting her.

            1. valentine*

              OP3: Photograph yourself locking the cabinet every day. Set your phone to do not disturb for your boss’ number from shift end to shift start. When next he chastises you, send him the relevant photo(s). If this isn’t a business he owns, maybe it’s worth getting his boss’ perspective.

        4. Hekko*

          Yes! Seriously!

          We also have a cabinet with personal files that gets locked and the key is kept in the office – but it’s kept in the safe in another room. As in you need to know where it is to find it (the key itself is not labeled).

        5. Antilles*

          Honestly, from a security perspective, there’s an argument that not even bothering to lock the cabinet is better than locking it with the keys right there.
          If you leave the cabinet unlocked, there’s a chance a thief would just open the cabinet, quickly glance in, then move on…whereas the (uselessly) locked cabinet implies that there’s something worth locking up, so it ensures that the theoretical thief would actually search the cabinet.

          1. whingedrinking*

            My father once worked in a government building where 90% of what was going on was totally mundane, but there was one project that the military was tangentially interested in and so it was considered classified. Everybody knew which set of offices were the classified ones – they had “TOP SECRET, NO ADMITTANCE WITHOUT APPROPRIATE CLEARANCE” or something similar all over the doors, whereas most people working there didn’t have a clue what was going on in other people’s departments.

            1. Loud Noises*

              That actually might not have been something the company had any control over, due to the extremely specific and strict set of guidelines that the military has for anything even tangentially related to things of that nature. Counter-intuitive? Possibly. Mandated anyways? Absolutely.

        6. katelyn*

          The only thing I can think of is that if the records are required to be stored in a fire-proof cabinet (since finance and health records are) that those are not certified to work if they aren’t locked (becuase heat can warp things and jiggle the handle loose in a fall I think?) so the only way they pass audit is if they are locked, irrespective of where the key is.

          I worked with fire proof cabinets in a locked file room, the door to the room was considered the restricted access, and the keys to the cabinets were in an obvious key hanger on the wall inside.

          2. Glitsy Gus*

            This was my thought. We used to have fire cabinets for case files, which were required to be locked, but the keys were all in a box next the the cabinets. Because the locks weren’t to keep people out, but to keep fire and water out.

            That said, OP, could you maybe give yourself a reminder alarm on you phone or computer to pop up five minutes before you leave to lock the cabinets? That’s what I do for my closedown stuff and it helps me a lot, especially on busy days.

        8. TootsNYC*

          this was my immediate thought!

          Do those keys get moved somewhere else once the cabinets are locked?

          Otherwise, I think the OP’s best move is to create a routine that means she locks the cabinets before she leaves the office.

          Maybe she puts a tag on her car keys to remind her, so that before she starts her car, she can go back in.
          Or some other reminder (a post-it on her steering wheel, her monitor, something that she’ll see and remember).

    2. Blarg*

      OP is non-exempt, so must be paid. I’m surprised Allison didn’t mention it, but I think some of her languaging would be appropriate: I don’t want us to get in trouble for not paying me for hours worked. And since this is a national org, asking HR might stop the whole thing: “Fergus requires that I return to the office last night. How should I document this time on my time sheet?” Since OP has already been written up over this nonsense, there’s not really anything to lose by escalating it.

      Also, based on the contents of the cabinet, why is it being unlocked daily? It seems unlikely it is needed every day. Responsibility should lie with anyone who accesses it to immediately relock it. And who is being kept out of it, if staff is there nearly 24/7 and everyone knows where the keys are?

      1. Flash Bristow*

        > Responsibility should lie with anyone who accesses it to immediately relock it. And who is being kept out of it, if staff is there nearly 24/7 and everyone knows where the keys are?

        Absolutely this.

        Hopefully OP can use this kind of logic to show boss / HR how silly the situation is at present.

        1. delta cat*

          Yes yes yes on relocking immediately.

          I work in a therapy clinic where it is important that files be kept locked up whenever there is no one with a sight line to the cabinet. We used to have a last-one-out-locks-the-cabinet policy. It worked great — until a bunch of changes came in. We moved to a bigger space with a lot of tucked away back rooms, we brought on a couple of new managers, and a lot of staff came on who work mostly offsite and don’t store their files in the cabinet. It simply didn’t occur to people who didn’t use the cabinet to check and see whether it was locked before they left, and their managers didn’t want to impose the task on them of remembering to lock a cabinet they never used. But the staff who did use the cabinet couldn’t exactly be expected to know, when there were three people left in the clinic when they left, that none of those three could be counted on to lock up.

          Asking people to relock the cabinet immediately has pretty much solved that problem. It also took care of the related problem of working alone in a back room, unable to see or even really hear anything happening in the space around either the cabinet or the front door. There was some griping at first about the inconvenience of having to go and get they keys every single time, but that has passed.

        1. Ego Chamber*

          It’s not about the money, it’s about how stupid this is. If your boss is acting like a child and punishing you by making your life difficult for no valid reason, and you have the option to do the same in turn, you do it.

          DISCLAIMER: Lessons From Call Center Hell should not be applied to reasonable workplaces and/or reasonable managers (but they generally don’t have to be).

      3. CaliUKExpat*

        I work where this is a common practice. It’s a therapy clinic, and the practice itself is a ways away from the office. Since the office is rarely if ever unmanned, cabinets are opened as needed and not usually locked again until the end of the day when the last person leaves. It’s not the employees that need to be kept out, it’s about keeping everyone not an employee out. In my office it’s the job of whoever is last out, but if it was one individual’s duty, I can actually imagine my boss pulling them back from home out of sheer annoyance.

        The fact it took 2 months for them to address the issue in the first place makes me think it doesn’t need to be as secure as therapy files, but still a not insignificant need for things to be locked.

        1. SunshineOH*

          In your case it makes sense. But OP said that the keys are hanging next to or near the cabinet, so there us nothing secure about this whole set up. Boss is a nutbag.

          1. Rebecca*

            Exactly! “they hang on a magnet on the side of a cabinet. Anyone can lock or unlock them them at any time”

            So, what is the point of locking a cabinet when the keys are hanging right there? Presumably if someone breaks in, and wants to steal something from the cabinet, they could just unlock it and access the contents.

            What is especially egregious is that the boss would make some drive back to the office, 40 minutes one way, not pay them for their time, just to lock something that’s accessible anyway for [reasons].

            I have 2 pieces of advice for the OP: lock the cabinet and look for a new job.

            1. EventPlannerGal*

              Not just drive back – the OP said that one one occasion she ended up trying to hitch-hike. Putting an employee in a position where they felt like they had to try to hitch-hike back to the office, presumably at night, to lock a cabinet is… something.

          2. CaliUKExpat*

            Oh I missed that bit. Yeah, boss is a nutter. Or is valuing the appearance of security over actual security.

          3. Falling Diphthong*

            That’s where the letter truly went off the rails for me. If the keys hand on a hook on the cabinet, then nothing is being secured.

          4. The Other Dawn*

            This is what I’m hung up on. What the hell is the point if the keys are RIGHT THERE?! I work in a bank with confidential records all around me, especially in my department. Someone is assigned the keys and the spares are in a dual control key cabinet. If that person went on vacation and forgot to hand the keys over, I’d grab someone and get the spares from the key cabinet. I wouldn’t call them back from Hawaii just to prove a point that they should have left the keys.

          5. Salyan*

            The OP said ‘a’ cabinet, not necessarily the cabinet. The keys could be around the corner hanging on a completely unrelated shelf.

      4. Yorick*

        That’s what I thought: if the keys are hanging on the side of the cabinet, who cares if the cabinet door is sometimes left unlocked?

        1. Anne Elliot*

          In my office, it’s a compliance issue. We store files that contain personal health information (PHI) and there is no room for the file cabinets in any one person’s office or in the file room, so the file cabinets are located in the hall. If the files were kept in a person’s office, they could be left unlocked so long as the person was there and the office itself was otherwise kept locked. But since we can’t do that, since the cabinets are located in an unmonitored common area, they have to be locked. Since the rule is “if you can’t maintain line-of-sight on these confidential materials, they must be kept in a locked cabinet,” but since we also use these files repeatedly throughout the day, the rule is that every person accessing the cabinet is to relock it, every single time. The key is kept in a bowl on top of the file cabinet itself. It may seem ridiculous to keep the key right on top of the very cabinet it opens, but that’s the only efficient way to keep the cabinet locked but maintain access to it by multiple users. It also reinforces to all users that these are confidential files, because they have to unlock and relock the cabinet every time they want to get one. Just pointing out that while “the key is right there!” seems silly, it may not be. For what it’s worth, I would also say that our office is otherwise secure (restricted access) and is not accessible to the public unless they are guests.

          1. Katie*

            But in this case, it’s not locked during the day. It’s left unlocked all day, and then the OP is supposed to lock it at the end of the day.

        2. JustaTech*

          Depending on how the cabinet latches it could be an earthquake safety issue. But since the OP said it was files and not say, heavy glass stuff, I think it’s unlikely in this case.

      5. LQ*

        Strong agree on the unlock/relock immediately plan.

        Alternatively could the cabinet be stored somewhere that has a badge reader or some such to cover the lock?

        If this is really the only issue with the job (the boss is actually otherwise fine but has gone off the deep end about this for some unknown reason, though I suspect that’s unlikely if coworkers are saying abusive) then proposing alternative ways of handling this to eliminate human error which is absolutely inevitable, may be helpful.
        (And finally storing your keys in the file or hanging them with the rest of the keys when you get in might help you until you can get boss do agree to a decent solution.)

    3. Talbot*

      Maybe find a few friendly coworkers who can discreetly check the cabinets after you leave, but before your boss does (or who you can call if you suddenly remember on your own that you forgot). Since the keys are available, have them lock up if you forget. But discretion is key since it seems your boss would be pissed if he found out.

      1. UDR*

        OP3,

        To be honest, it reads to me like your boss just doesn’t like you. He knows you’re good at your job, so he secretly changed the rules to have something to hold over your head.

        If I had an employee who I wanted to get into the habit of doing a daily task before they left, I would remind them before they left. To me, the timing of this sounds like he’s going out of his way to cause you inconvenience. He’s making sure you’re at the end of your long commute and having to come back in, rather than calling shortly after you left so you could head back (or just locking the dang cabinet himself and leaving a note on your desk!)

        I would recommend setting an alarm on your phone or through Outlook for 1 minute before you leave each day that reminds you to lock the cabinets, and if you’re caught up in anything else when it goes off, interrupt yourself and lock the cabinets.

        But I would also recommend looking for a different job, because once you have this down, I wouldn’t be surprised if you get lectured about another job duty that you weren’t told about but should have just known about anyway.

        2. Grey*

          Or maybe the boss likes the OP and really doesn’t want to file a write-up every four months and get them fired.

        3. Rachael*

          While I don’t agree with having someone come *back* to lock the file cabinet when others are around, I do agree that not locking them is a big deal. I worked at a bank where it was a very bad thing if it was found out that we didn’t lock up our file cabinets due to sensitive information. And heaven forbid if one of the internal auditors walked over and checked as a random check. I can understand the dust-up about it (minus the surprise of the OP finding out she was the one supposed to be doing it).

          Nobody wants to be the person to go and check everyday to make sure she locked the cabinets. She should remember and put more accountability on herself to do it. However, I agree that her boss is a jerk and is not going about the situation correctly in order to get her to do her job duties.

          OP, write a check list or something to help you remember. I don’t know what kind of information is in those cabinets, but the bottom line is that they want the cabinets locked and your boss is going to be a jerk about it until you stop forgetting. Forgetting 5 times can be a big deal depending on the circumstances.

            1. Rachael*

              Haha…no. It was in an unlocked drawer in the managers desk. I always laughed at that. But, we needed to keep away those pesky auditors and regulators…lol

            2. Stormfeather*

              Not to mention the OP even stated that when she’s not working, the boss himself leaves them unlocked at times.

        4. Jennifer Juniper*

          I wouldn’t be surprised if the OP has really locked the cabinet, but the boss makes them come back because someone else has unlocked it.

  2. Gaia*

    OP 1: you need to use their names and you need to respect them the way you would respect someone named Jane, Sarah, Raj, Chen, or Karl. As Alison mentioned the names you listed are often found in the black community in the US and there is a history in these names closely related to racism and slavery and communities bestowing their next generation with names seen as having dignity, respect, and power.

    While that is all very important to understand, outside of that context we should all practice respect and appreciation for the names of everyone. Certainly we shouldn’t mock them by making up our own exaggerated names to mimic theirs, nor should we refuse to use their names.

    1. Sami*

      Absolutely. The more you use a person’s name the more you’ll get used it and hopefully it’ll become a nonissue.

    2. Afiendishthingy*

      All of this. Your discomfort around calling a grown woman “Princess” is irrelevant. Call people what they ask to be called, not what you feel comfortable calling them.

      1. Artemesia*

        I lived in a state where important political wives and female politicians had names like Tipper, Honey, Cookie and Peaches — all white women. And there are a lot of people from latin backgrounds called Jesus. Get over ‘being uncomfortable’; laughing or ridiculing people for their names.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          Worked somewhere with a top salesperson named Peaches. And the elevator inspector in my parents’ town (where I stay in hotels and so ride a lot of elevators) is named Cherry. Fawn, Cookie, etc–all white women.

          The reaction to names should be a private “Huh, that’s unusual” which you don’t share aloud. Most people are doing this and a few minutes later thinking nothing about how the elevator person is Cherry rather than Sherry.

          Also, most of us have names that mean something flattering, and that was a consideration for our parents when choosing them.

          1. Jasmine*

            Are you referring to Cherie Berry? She is the North Carolina Commissioner of Labor, though, not an elevator inspector.

            3. Falling Diphthong*

              Well, darn. But that’s who I was thinking of. I could swear her photo was in the elevators–I googled and she matches my mental image–which I assumed was so the staff knew the person inspecting them was legit and no one tried to make the copier repair guy do elevators.

                1. I NC You There*

                  My favorite t-shirt of all time: “Cherie Berry Lifts Me Up”. I also had the pleasure of drinking a cocktail called the Elevator Queen, made with cherry heering (I think) and some fizzy deliciousness.

              2. J*

                Commissioner of Labor in NC oversees the elevator inspections. So they all (somehow) roll up to Cherie but she is not an actual inspector herself. Her photo in the elevators is actually one of the best election campaigns I’ve ever seen. I think the photo plus her unusual name makes people vote for her just because of recognition.

                One of my fondest memories of people noticing her photo was in a parking garage elevator when I was leaving work late. I work in a big city and ride a ton of elevators so I’m used to seeing her photo- but the parking garage I was in has room for a lot of tourists. When I was leaving later one evening a tipsy couple joins me in the elevator. Guy blinks at the elevator in section sign then chuckles and whispers loudly to his girlfriend “her name is Cherie Berry”.

                But yeah, OP, use their names and keep the comments to yourself.

            5. Else*

              Me, too! I swear; she gets re-elected just based upon how familiar and friendly her name seems after seeing it SO many times in elevators. World’s best govt-funded campaign literature.

            1. MCMonkeyBean*

              Whoops sorry, should have scrolled lol. You were not far off though. Her name and picture is indeed in all the elevators, signing off on their safety. But she doesn’t inspect them personally, she oversees the “Elevator and Amusement Device Bureau.”

              And now I just learned from google some mind blowing information while googling the exact name of that bureau. I assumed every state had their labor commissioner in the elevators. She apparently made a rule requiring her picture in all elevators in 2005 to boost her name recognition and help future re-elections. Jeez that’s absurd that she could do that! I’ve linked to this very fascinating Washington Post article on the topic in my name.

              But also, I’m pretty sure her name is supposed to be pronounced like Sherry but because of her last name we all pronounce it Cherry Berry.

              1. Jessica*

                The traditional pronunciation of her name (Cherie) would not be Sherry, it would be like “Sha-REE.” (Think of Stevie Wonder singing “My Cherie Amour.”) I’ve also heard people call her cherryberry, and wondered if Berry was a married name for her. I did not know that about her inventing that requirement to have her picture in all the elevators!

                1. Allornone*

                  Still, maybe it’s not the most traditional one, byt my mother is named Cherie, pronounced Sherry, so I assume it’s a common enough pronunciation.

              2. Sarah*

                I heard somebody say it’s Sher-IE.

                Also, true story: if you get her autograph, she’ll write “May your life have more ups than downs” and I gotta tell you, her branding is on point.

              3. Meredith*

                Her wikipedia page confirms it is pronounced She-REE (French pronunciation, like the Stevie Wonder song) and her maiden name is Killian.

          3. Oxford Comma*

            There was a whole series of mystery books about a nurse named Cherry Ames that were published in the 50s and 60s.

            Names go in and out of style.

            Also, Fawn Hall.

            1. darsynia*

              I LOVED those books.

              When I was about 5 there was an 8 year old who disappeared in my state named Cherrie Mayhan. My dad and I were at a little dinky local county airport watching the prop planes take off and a policeman approached us. I was apparently wearing an outfit way too small for me (I was stubborn AF as a kid), and needed a haircut, and they thought I might be Cherrie. Somehow, my charismatic dad convinced the police to let us drive home about a half mile away on the same road, to show them my birth certificate and stuff. On the way, we passed my cat, which had been hit by a car, and it was clearly my cat, too.

              Dad couldn’t stop, because at the time, he knew what it would look like to be accused of kidnapping and then stop the car on the side of the road to let a hysterically crying child rush out screaming. By the time we pulled into our really long driveway (not rich, just big front yard), there were 5 police cars all following us, lights flashing, no sirens. My parents showed pictures, my birth certificate, and my mom’s face which is identical to mine, our genes are really ridiculous, lol. They left us after thanking us for our time.

              It was a really, really traumatic day. My dad made an offhand comment about how lucky we were they didn’t just take him down and take us all to the station, and for years and years afterwards I had nightmares that Cherrie’s real family would be presented me and lie and say I belonged to them. This was in 1984, before DNA. And, it was my cat :(

              That’s my Cherry/Cherrie story, hah.

              1. darsynia*

                Crap I got carried away and left out the part where I was going to comment on the actual letter, I’m sorry!

                I just wanted to say, I have a really boring common name–Jessica. I quite literally hate it, but made choices not to change it, and those choices were based on valuable things, so I deal with my name as I see fit. If I ever came across someone who told me they were upset about my name or the way my parents had chosen it, even though I HATE it, I would be crushed. It’s possible that these co-workers may not even really like their names that much, but like me, they’ve kept them because of their meaning to other loved ones. To compound on that by letting them in on how you feel about their names will be so hurtful. Even though I dislike my name, I love the people who named me, after all. It’s not really my fault how I was named!

                I appreciate your taking the time to write about it. Please don’t feel that any of us are trying to offend by offering our perspectives on this, because you did the right thing, Letter Writer #1. Our context can help you in your job, and help your coworkers from having to know how their names make you feel :)

              2. dawbs*

                That sounds like a horrid day.
                ANd I get why your dad had to do what he did, but, man, kids and their pets, all of that sucks so much.
                I’m sorry.

            2. LizEnFrance*

              The Cherry Ames books are a big reason my mom (who grew up in that era) decided to become a nurse! She still owns a bunch of the hardbacks.

          4. beckysuz*

            As a child we had a family friend who’s daughter was named Cookie Cherrie. As a kid I thought that was the coolest but as an adult I’m not sure I would appreciate my parents saddling me with that name. Her parents were pretty cool though the way I remember it

            1. beckysuz*

              To the writer letter I would say that your discomfort doesn’t trump the basic respect of calling someone by their given name. You can have all the opinions you want about it but please don’t share them. Your unwillingness to call someone by the name they use is frankly unkind and just plain rude. Even if that’s not your intention I’d wager that’s the result. Perhaps you should think about how you would feel to be on the receiving end of that.

              1. Jen S. 2.0*

                +1. Just because you are uncomfortable with something that is not “normal” to you doesn’t create an emergency, or cause a problem that needs someone else to find a resolution that makes you comfortable. You need to call people by their names and / or the names they wish to be called, even if you think the name is odd, and even if you feel silly. Your feeling silly is your own issue.

          6. Loud Noises*

            I remember even in the Northeast there was someone running for a town council position that had signs everywhere urging people to vote for Candy Barr. Could only imagine that her parents saw the opportunity and took it.

        2. The Original K.*

          I’ve known two women named Peach (one white, one Black). I also used to work with a white woman who holds a very high-ranking position who goes by a very childish-sounding childhood nickname. It’s very specific so I won’t use it here, but it’s like Tootsie. Her business cards have her government name but absolutely no one calls her that – she introduces herself with her nickname.

          1. CommanderBanana*

            Awww, my puppy’s name is Tootsie! We introduce her to people as “Tootsie as in Tootsie Roll” but her nicknames are Toots, Schnootzie, Schnootzl and Tootzl Dootz.

            I love the name Cherry and we had a neighbor who went by Cookie – her last name was Krumm so the same everyone knew her by was Cookie Krumm!

          3. Artemesia*

            In the US south it is also common for men to go by their baby names all their life. I always found it odd that my husband’s very dignified, ivy league educated, law partner went by ‘Bobby’ and there were lots of men who went by Billy, Jimmy, Bubba, and Binky.

        3. Lynn Marie*

          Please be fair – OP is not laughing or ridiculing people for their names – she’s acknowledging her discomfort and owning it by asking for help dealing with it.

          1. Myrna M*

            It seemed that she was absolutely mocking them and judging them, if internally – the temptation to introduce herself as Empress Sweetie Boo as one example. She’s highly disrespectful.

            2. Blerpborp*

              Well, it would be highly disrespectful if she actually introduced herself as Empress Sweetie Boo, as far as we know she hasn’t behaved disrespectfully to anyone. OP is an interesting combo of self aware enough to know she should ask AMA about this but also out of touch enough to not realize how offensive her thought process comes off. I truly hope she’s open to what people have to say and is able to reflect and change.

            3. ChimericalOne*

              I agree with Lynn Marie that she’s not mocking or judging them. She’s dealing with discomfort by turning (internally) to humor, humor that she doesn’t seem to realize would offend. She explicitly acknowledges that the person(s) in question didn’t choose their own names and ergo, even if she thinks the names are ridiculous, that that’s not a reflection on the person. (She also explicitly acknowledges that she doesn’t have a good feel for humor!) However, I do think that Gaia is also being fair — regardless of intent, the OP needs to understand that humor in this situation would read as mockery.

              You could make an argument that she is mocking their parents, I suppose, but lots of people make fun of people they don’t know for giving their kids silly names (e.g., Gwyneth Paltrow’s “Apple”) without meaning to be hurtful. What becomes an issue here is 1) she doesn’t seem to realize how personally attached many/most people are to their names; and 2) she doesn’t understand the context of the particular naming convention she describes (a demand for respect in the face of racism), a context that makes her reaction seem both racially charged & particularly inappropriate in a way it otherwise wouldn’t be.

        4. Drago Cucina*

          In my state we have an elected official whose first name is Twinkle. Middle aged white woman who has held various state offices.

      2. GermanCoffeeGirl*

        Additionally, popular US puritanical names were of virtues, like Prudence, Charity, Chastity, Justice, Mercy, Grace, Hope, Temperance, or Patience. Some aren’t used as much today (but are making a comeback), and others are still very popular.

        1. The Grammarian*

          Exactly, and some people come to the US and use the literal translation of their name as their “American” name, or choose an English word that is pleasing and has a nice meaning as their “American” name (I’ve met numerous ladies named Flower, Rose, Honey, etc.).

          1. The Grammarian*

            Adding also that “Faith” seems to be a popular name among religious folks too, and I know numerous women named Chastity/Charity/Chasity.

          2. Alexis Rose*

            I knew someone who’s chosen English name was Cake! After an initial “huh, never seen that before” you just get on with it. “would a rose by any other name smell as sweet?” Yes. Yes it will.

            Alison’s advice is spot on, names are names and if you treat them as such the “weird” factor will wear off.

            1. Ms. Meow*

              When I was in grad school I knew an Ice and a friend of mine has a colleague named Echo because those are the literal English translations of their names.

            3. Joe in Frederick*

              Opposite reaction, I immediately embrace and appreciate Cake for their diversity, positivity, and beautiful name.

              Who doesn’t want to have a friend named Cake?

              1. Alexis Rose*

                My reaction was also really positive, I didn’t mean for it to sound like it was bad in any way! I was going through a stack of resumes and it just made me pause for a second. I also thought it was really awesome. My “real” name is really generic and common, so I was enamoured by the idea of having a unique and awesome name.

                1. Joe in Frederick*

                  Didn’t assume, I meant opposite reaction from the OP. :) Nobody gets that excited to meet a Joe the way they feel when they uncover a glorious person like Cake.

            4. Lighthearted Musical Numbers*

              I had a friend in High School named China Love, went by Love. Won’t lie, it took me some time to get used to calling “Love!” across a parking lot, but it got normal quick!

              Had another friend who was Vietnamese who got fed up with Teachers (mostly subs) refusing to even try to say his 4-syllable name correctly (it wasn’t that hard, but the difference in vowel pronunciation tripped everyone up), so he started going by the first syllable – Vu.

            5. Aurora Borealis*

              I met someone whose name was Placenta. And one of our towns deputies was named Barney Fife.

            6. GreenDoor*

              I work in public education and you would not believe the names some kids have: Teflon, Cinderella, Akkurate, Righton, Marvel, and my personal favorite Alpachino. Names can be weird, confusing, appalling, embarassing, and just plan eye-roll inducing (ESPN or ABCD anyone?) to others. But the OP is right – it is not the fault of an individual the name their parents gave them. And these people are adults who are obviously choosing to go by a name that others might find objectionalble. So I agree with other posters. You call people by what they prefer to be called by. That’s it. The more you address Teflon or Cinderella, the more it just becomes another sound coming out of your mouth.

              1. Robin Bobbin*

                About 20 years ago there was child at a local school named Snow White. At 8 she loved her name, but I always wondered how she felt about it by middle school. You’re right, you just get used to “Snow.”

                Then there was the child named Vagina (because that’s where she came from). The kindergarten teacher had a really hard time with that one. I would have a hard time with that one.

                1. Jaz*

                  When I worked at a high school, we had one student named Babe. That was a tough one for her male teachers, just because they worried someone visiting the school might be alarmed to hear them addressing a 16-year-old student as “Babe.”

                2. Ellex*

                  It’s one of those “friend of a friend” stories, but a friend of mine went to school with a girl named Vagina. Her mother didn’t know how to spell Virginia.

                  There’s also the semi-apocryphal story of “Femily”, spelled “Female” – because that’s what the nurse wrote on the birth certificate.

                3. The Gollux (Not a Mere Device)*

                  I went to summer camp, many years ago, with a girl named Mona Lisa {surname}. I hope she was okay with it, rather than having counselors insisting on calling her that after she said “Hi, I’m Mona” or “just Mona, please.”

          3. GermanCoffeeGirl*

            @The Grammarian: I used to live in a student dormitory and we had quite a few students from Asia who used the literal English translation of their name (we were in Germany). For example, my next door neighbor’s name was Moon-Sun and another girl who lived down the hall went by Flower.

            1. The Green Lawintern*

              I knew a Chinese girl in college who went by “Fire” (it was and still sounds super badass) and another guy who ALMOST went with Wing but went with Cliff in the end.

            2. Artemesia*

              When I worked in China I noticed that most of the young women who worked with English speakers has flower or jewel names; I assumed they chose them because they were beautiful and they assumed common in English speaking countries. Lots of Rubies, Roses, Lilies, Flowers etc etc.

              1. Nerfmobile*

                Many traditional Chinese names are nature names (Lotus Flower, River, etc), treasure names (Gold, Jade), or Virtue names (Wise, Strong, Gentle). I suspect most of those girls named after flowers or jewels were using the English translations of their Chinese names.

                1. Mike*

                  In Korean culture, there was a tradition in many families where names of newborns were formed from a set of Chinese characters that cycled around by birth order or generation; I forget the details. Under Japanese occupation, it became very common for women’s names to end in -ja ‘child = girl’, the equivalent of Japanese -ko. And so, there was one young woman I was friends with when I studied in Seoul whose name through such a tradition ended up Jeongja, where jeong meant “respectful.” Unfortunately, that is homophonous with the word for “semen” (also a Chinese word, jingzi, same pronunciation as the characters in her name except for a different tone). She was introduced to me as “Jeongja,” and knowing I knew Korean immediately said, “No, my name is Jeong.”

          4. JustaTech*

            I went to school with the Millennial children of hippies, so I was friends with a Sunshine-Mountain LastName, and Sylvan-Willow and her brother Aspen.

            I also went to a college with a culture of weird nicknames, so for me it was learning *not* to shout out “Hey Bastard, Chainmail, Red Rocket” outside of school. (And figuring out what their real names were.)

            1. Cactus*

              I once knew a family where the girls had the Sunshine Daydream-style hippie names but the brother had a name like William or Robert or something completely average. That was funny to me.

            2. Starbuck*

              I went to high school with a girl named Jasmine Meadows – she went by Jazzy. I always thought it was an awesome name, either way.

            3. Mari*

              I went to high school with a Sunshine. In college, I knew a set of siblings named Athena, Aphrodite, and Spartacus. My son has a friend named Savage and another named Vallor. You get used to the names after a while.

          5. Maggie*

            Parents are increasingly calling their children ridiculous names, in part because of stupid celebrities. We have to get used to it. Because everyone’s YouNeek you know!

            But I live in Hong Kong where people often pick an “English name”, but many times it’s not a name; it’s a word they like the sound of.

            I’ve come across a Nausea, a Pubic, a Mosquito, a Tree, a Porky (he was doctor)… So while it’s seems stupid having to call a grown woman “Princess”, imagine having to call a colleague Pubic or Cream. And remembering to greet someone called Kitty without saying “Hello” first.

            2. katherine*

              Kitty was a very common nickname for Katherine, particularly in the late 1800s/early 1900s — Kitty Wells, Kitty Genovese, etc.

              1. Vicky Austin*

                If you’re old enough to remember the 1988 presidential election, you’ll remember Kitty Dukakis, the wife of the Democratic nominee Mike Dukakis. If he had won the election, we’d have had a First Lady named Kitty for four or eight years!

          6. Sciencer*

            I know someone who chose the name “Best” as her American name. It was awkward for about five minutes, then just “okay that’s her name.” (Actually I will admit it never stopped being mildly awkward via email, because I usually sign my emails “Best, Sciencer” and I felt I had to change that when writing to her :))

          1. katelyn*

            but is that kill-sin, or kills-in? because depending on the last name, the second reading is ominous!

            1. TychaBrahe*

              I think you mean Praise-God Barebone, the Fifth Monarchist and City of London Nominee to the Barebone’s Parliament.

              If you think that’s awesome, his actual birth name is supposed to have been Unless-Jesus-Christ-Had-Died-For-Thee-Thou-Hadst-Been-Damned Barebone

          3. SignalLost*

            The famous one is Praise-God Barebone, an English leather seller and preacher, who is said to have been named Unless-Jesus-Christ-Had-Died-For-Thee-Thou-Hadst-Been-Damned Barebone. He may have had a brother named Fear-God, but we don’t know for sure because the parish registry with that family in has been lost. His eldest (or possibly only) son was named Nicholas.

            1. TootsNYC*

              And of course this was all lampooned by Terry Pratchett with Corporal Visit-The-Infidel-With-Explanatory-Pamphlets and his friend Smite-the-Unbeliever-With-Cunning-Arguments.

            2. Jyrgen N*

              The given name “Fürchtegott” (literal translation of Fear-God) was once, maybe not common, but also not too unusual in German-speaking countries. Also “Gottlieb” (Love-God) and “Amadeus” (latin Love-God), e.g. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, and others.

            3. katherine*

              And coming full circle, these Puritan names had their own set of people making fun of their names, and a lot of what ends up in lists of “weird Puritan names” were actually from contemporary satires, then copied by later writers without realizing they were satires, and now they’re on the Internet. (A footnote in William Godwin’s History of the Commonwealth of England mentions a couple. Apologies for the tangent, but names are a subject I could go on about…)

        3. Loux*

          And a lot of regular names also have old meanings! For example, mine apparently means “famous warrior”. :)

          1. Ancestry*

            There are a lot of Eliphalets in my family tree. Also a Melzar. (All white protestant early American colonists.)

        5. AK*

          Exactly! Those names are just as grandiose, but they seem normal because they are presumably part of the letter writer’s cultural tradition (or at least part of one they’re more comfortable with). The real thing that’s ridiculous here is not these names but a grown ass adult shunning people and feeling the urge to make fun of them because of their names. If your behaviour is similar to that of a grade school bully odds are it’s not the other people who are being silly. And I get that the letter writer might realise this, but framing it as “I’m being far more ridiculously grandiose than these names are” might help them reign in their impulses.

      3. Formerly Arlington*

        Agree. And the name “Sarah” means Princess. Reginald means royalty/king. I don’t see much difference.

        1. Nic*

          Ooh, good catch!

          Yeah, we do have a cultural (class? race?) problem with laughing at some people’s names because they’re more openly named after a flower/gem/cultural role/virtue than other names are, but when you translate all the “traditional” names from their original languages, they have those meanings too. If “Princess” and “King” are funny, then “Victory of the People”, “Fame-Spear” and “Elf-Counsel” should be hilarious.

          1. BaronessGodivaDelicousVonPants*

            I’ve always wished I was called Victory of People instead of (name of this meaning, feminized version).
            It is so empowering. When I remember that is what my name means, I feel strong and smart and destined to make a difference.
            But then I remember I am just (name of this meaning, feminized version) and I literally feel nothing.

            I am curious, do you feel the same?
            What about others, what does your name make you feel?

            2. ChimericalOne*

              My name just means “virgin” (or “maiden”), so, uh… I can’t say much about it. Amusingly, my older sister’s name translates to “woman” (it’s a feminization of Charles, “man” / “free man”) and my mom’s name translates to “lady” in Italian. So, we’re all just basically named some variation of “female.” ROFL

    3. Engineer Girl*

      I feel bad because these people did not choose their names

      And if they truly hated their names they would have given you a nickname or even made a legal name change. If they give you their name then there is a expectation that you’ll use it.

      1. L.*

        This. I’ve worked with someone who’s legal name was say “Princess” and choose to go by her middle name “Jennifer”.

        It was a solid six months to a year before I realized what her legal name was, and that was only because we received paperwork from corporate I was in charge of getting everyone to sign.

        And the conversation with my boss was:
        Me: Um… This paperwork lists ‘Princess Smith,’ but we only have a ‘Jennifer Smith’
        Boss: Same person, she goes by her middle name
        Me: Oh ok.

        If they’re bothered by it, they will either go by a middle name or a nickname.

        1. Solidus Pilcrow*

          I had a very similar situation once. There was an employee named something like Sam Smythe and then I get a list with someone named Thederon S. Smythe and it took me a minute to realize Sam went by his middle name.

          1. pleaset*

            I have a friend who is the opposite – his first name is John, while his middle name is very rare (a very old New England WASP name that few have ever heard of). He goes by his middle name – he wants to be a bit more distinctive.

            I also have a super common first name, and go by initials in most contexts to be a bit distinctive.

            1. SimonTheGreyWarden*

              We basically did this with my son. Old family traditional first name (say John), but gave him a unique and special literary middle name (so, Achilles, for purpose of this example). It’s a zest. Hubs and I have the whitest of white names ever so this was our chance to shine.

      2. Screenwriter/Mom*

        Also, OP saying she “feels bad bc they didn’t choose their names,” tells us that she even think THEY don’t like their names, just because SHE sits in judgment on them. These are, as Alison says, very common names in the black community, for the reasons she says. By mocking them or “being uncomfortable” or even trying to rationalize not using them, OP is showing them the exact disrespect that’s the reason some of the names exist to begin with. They’re the names these people love.
        OP: ask yourself how you’d feel if one of your colleagues felt really “uncomfortable” with YOUR name, and pitied you for having it. Not a very nice feeling, is it?
        “King” also used to be a more common man’s name in the 1920s. There was a famous Hollywood director named King Vidor.

        1. Mookie*

          Yes! For me, this is near-to-equivalent to the ignorant but benevolent “they didn’t CHOOSE to be gay.” I’m gay; it’s great; I’d do it again if I had the opportunity to reincarnate.

          It’s so important for people to recognize that their values, sensibilities, and aesthetic preferences are not universal, not the default, and are very much a product of time, history, upbringing, culture, class, and personal idiosyncracy. Some people sincerely, thoughtfully, and ecstatically love the things you hate, find tacky, etc. Get over it. This is someone’s NAME. It’s non-negotiable. And working in healthcare, you should know better. This kind of WASP-y intolerance, however benign, actively harms people, colleagues and patients alike.

          1. Indigo a la mode*

            I would like a bumper sticker of “I’m gay; it’s great; I’d do it again should I reincarnate.”

        2. The Original K.*

          I actually bristled reading the OP’s letter because as a Black woman, I know exactly why those names have meaning. (I’ve known a Prince and a Princess, no relation. Prince was a lawyer; I’m not sure what became of Princess, as I knew her as a kid.) I was glad Alison mentioned it. It’s very common in the Black community to give names that connote respect because we were and are so often denied it (calling grown men “boy,” etc.). It’s also why, within the Black community, a younger person calling a Black person of a certain age by his or her first name is Not Done. The OP’s letter read as condescending and intolerant to me.

          1. Joe in Frederick*

            I’m still just getting used to it, a year into working for the Army (one of our nation’s first integrated employers!) I had to explain why we use Mr. and Ms. in the office to a new employee, and mentioned that it’s a great chance to show that we’re assuming respect and dignity as the baseline for all of our interactions.

            It’s still crazy to me to be called Mr. anything, but I can always just say “Call me Joe, please.” This is about more than my comfort zone as a white middle-aged male, I’m not the whole story here. Nobody here should have to bargain up for basic courtesy.

            1. Liet-Kinda*

              Same thing in the DoD branch I work for. Among peer civilians in my office, I get called Liet, but if someone doesn’t know me well or is active duty military, it’s “Dr. Kynes,” basically without fail. Even if I ask, they’re not that comfortable with Liet.

          2. Mr. X*

            I’ll admit to thinking the same thing as OP. I’m white and had no idea why those names were given. Your comment was really informative and I’ll work on not being judgemental about the parents of people with names like that.

            1. hmmm*

              I feel the same way as you. I mean, I get the intent to make their children feel respected or loved, but it just doesn’t work out that way outside of that community. Slaveholders may have said “ma’am” or “sir” but they didn’t call themselves “your majesty” or something. And using a pet name like Precious or Princess feels infantilizing.

              I guess the closest corollary is the uber hippies on the white side. I went to school with a girl named Spice; my cousin worked with a girl named Passion. It’s just feels like their parents weren’t doing them any favors.

              1. Budgie Lover*

                Yeah… unfortunately I don’t think the average reaction to a name like “Princess” would be “Wow, I guess I’d better respect this person now!” Polite people will respect a given name no matter what, but a name that sounds unusually twee will just give jerks an excuse for mockery.

                1. Typhoid Mary*

                  “Polite people will respect a given name no matter what, but a name that sounds unusually twee will just give jerks an excuse for mockery.”

                  If marginalized people abandoned their culture for fear of mockery, they’d never create anything.

                  Let’s us non-Black folks assume Black people understand the impact of their choices. Maybe our discomfort with these names is, I dunno, part of the deal of deconstructing white supremacy. Anti-racist work is going to protests and voting and stuff, but it’s also the quiet moments of “Huh, maybe my discomfort around [this practice] is actually informed by a white supremacist culture, and not some arbitrarily objective measure of professionalism.”

                3. Jessie the First (or second)*

                  A “a name that sounds unusually twee ” to *you* perhaps, but clearly not to the people who named their child that name. Which is half the point you seemed to have missed.

                  What is a typical name, what names sound good, what names are considered lovely/beautiful/powerful – are really entirely cultural and varied. There is not The One And Only Encyclopedia Of Totally Normal Names because different countries, cultures, regions, backgrounds, etc all have their own version of that mythical encyclopedia. Deciding a name is “unusually twee” means you are looking at a name only from the vantage of your own experience. But other people have different experiences.

                  Also, jerks don’t need an excuse for mockery, so avoiding raising their ire or notice is a bad way to go about life, actually.

                4. Nephron*

                  Reading the letter I immediately recognized the likely group these names were coming from, but did not know the history of the names. Given the way names from the African-American community are treated I am now afraid we might consider Princess and such “twee” for some very disturbing reasons.

                5. AMT*

                  @Jessie – yes! As a trans person who chose what I considered to be a Totally Normal Name, I had to get over the instinct to cringe at what I perceived as “hipster” or “special” names that other trans people chose. What right did I have to say which names were on the Acceptable Trans Names List? What did it say about me and my insecurities that I felt comfortable making fun of those names?

              2. Bagpuss*

                I think the point is that if you live in a culture where you are routinely referred to my your first name due to your colour, then having a first name which is a term of respect reclaims some of the courtesy you’re being denied.

                e.g. if you are always called ‘Joe’, not ‘Mr Smith’ then maybe calling your son ‘Prince’ or ‘Earl’ so that anyone condescending in that way has to chose between calling him ‘Prince’ and sounding as though they are speaking to a social superior, or calling him ‘Mr Smith’ as they would if they were speaking to someone they saw as a social equal.

                And then over time, you have names which have become common names in your family or community.

                1. TychaBrahe*

                  My mother is a doctor, and as a child I often did paperwork for her. I still remember the thrill of encountering lab results for “President Hill” and thinking oneifmg mother’s patients was an actual former President.

                  My mother explained about how some people would call whites by their last names and blacks by their first names, and how these important sounding names were chosen to force at least the appearance of respect. It made me a bit sad, but then I thought the name was even cooler for forcing “mean people” to be “nice.”

              3. AKchic*

                “weren’t doing them any favors”…
                That is a phrase I see a lot in regards to unique, non-white, not bog-standard biblical names, and I live in a very diverse community. No, really… Alaska is more diverse than you’d imagine, but it still has it’s (for lack of a better phrase) old fashioned purist holdouts (I outright call them racists to their faces, which doesn’t make me popular at family gatherings).

                The problem tends to be with internalized biases. We see certain names and automatically assume that it is a certain heritage or comes from a certain area with a specific race attached to it. Those assumptions and biases form opinions before we’ve even met a person, which can influence our opinion of them long before we have any right to make any judgements.
                We need to look at our biases and actively work towards eliminating them. Studies have shown that generic Caucasian names have a better chance at being interviewed than other names in the US. Even when their resumes aren’t *quite* as good as the foreign or unique sounding names. All because of our internalized biases.

                We need to confront our prejudices. Both in ourselves personally, and when we see them elsewhere.

              4. Meredith Brooks*

                I’m having a hard time reading this thread. There’s literally no need to justify or validate what jerks will say in response to a unique name. .. whether they understand the intent or not. I’m confused why folks would feel the need to devalue the reasons behind someone’s name because they don’t fit some preconceived personal cultural norm. It’s a name for goodness sakes and doesn’t belong to anyone but the person using it. As Mr. X. said we should all work on not being judgemental …

              5. Nic*

                Well, I guess no-one had better ever call their kids Sarah or Roy, then, right? Because if those guys ever go to Israel or France, someone’s going to think their parents were idiots and it’ll be justified, right?!

                It’s not a pet name, and it’s not infantilising. All names mean things. All names started out as things that parents felt for their kids, expressions of ambition for their future, or wishes of good luck. Fame-Bright. Victory of the People. Precious. God’s gift. Joy. Blessing. Noble-Stone.

                People who live in English-speaking countries within a (broadly) English-originating culture have the dubious luxury of pretending that names are merely decorative collections of consonants and vowels – but they aren’t. Plain English or inherited from an older culture (Norman, Anglo-Saxon, Viking, Welsh, Scottish or Irish, not to mention Biblical names from Greek, Roman, Hebrew and Aramaic origins), they are all words that would have been in conversation within their own language.

              6. Geoffrey B*

                It might feel infantilising *to you*, but one thing that white people often forget is that we’re not always the target audience and such decisions are not always made for the sake of our sensibilities.

                Black Americans get far more exposure to white-people culture than vice versa. When a Black American names their child “Princess”, it’s a pretty safe bet that they *know* white people often sneer at such names. Maybe they have decided that it’s more important for their daughter to view herself as a “Princess” than for her name to win the approval of folks like us.

                Also, slaves were often expected to address slaveholders as “Master”, which is pretty close to “Your Majesty” in connotations.

              7. Mary*

                Assuming that Black parents should name their kids for people outside their community is one hell of a thing. How much time does the average white middle-class parent think about giving their child a name that works “outside their community”?

              8. R*

                In those days, it was an expectation to be called Mr./Ms. (last name). But blacks were often called by their first name, as a way to “keep them in their place.” But, if the first name was King, or Queen, the irony of having to call a black man or woman that served to make a point.

          3. Teapot Tester*

            I learned recently that Mr. T uses the Mr. in his stage name because he was tired of seeing his older relatives disrespected, and by forcing people to call him Mr. he was going against that direct racism.

          4. GL127*

            Eeshhh. Should I call my landlady by Ms. Her-Last-Name, then? She’s an elderly Black woman, and I am in my mid-thirties. I’ve been calling her by her first name but don’t want to be disrespectful.

            (Also, obviously do not answer if you don’t feel like doing this type of education, of course!)

            1. Bagpuss*

              Could you ask her?
              e.g. “I’ve been calling you Miranda because you introduced yourself to me as Miranda Jones, and I’m used to calling everyone by their first names, but do you prefer Ms Jones?”
              (I think it’s quite a good idea with any new acquaintance, if it isn’t obvious from how they introduce themselves, to ask their preference.
              Or start using Ms Last name and let her correct you if she prefers something less formal

            2. Typhoid Mary*

              I mean, for what it’s worth, I would never, ever, ever, ever, ever call a Black person over 50 by their first name without an honorific (grew up/live in rural United States, approx. a third of my life in the South, for reference.) Like, unless they have specifically told me to. But that’s also my personal rule, not something somebody told me to do, and of course ymmv with the individuals in your life depending on your relationship.

              But yeah, I have to be pretty close and have explicit permission before I dropped the honorific from a Black elder’s name.

              1. The Original K.*

                If a Black person who is, say, my parents’ age or older introduces him or herself to me just with their first name, I will call them Mr. or Miss Firstname. “Hi, I’m Dorothy.” “Hi Miss Dorothy, nice to meet you.” My friends’ kids call me Miss K. or Aunt K. (that’s really just my best friend’s kids).

                My grandparents used to introduce their friends to us as Mr. or Mrs. Lastname. I don’t even KNOW some of their first names. My parents use honorifics with their parents’ friends.

                1. Jen S. 2.0*

                  This. Honorifics are so critical in the Black community. I am in my 40s and my parents have friends where I still call them Aunt or Uncle, or, increasingly common, where I seldom call them by name at all because it’s just way too weird without an honorific, even though I’m a grown woman and now have my own friendly relationship with that person. I often call my childhood friends’ mothers “Mom” because calling them by just their first names was So Not Done for so long that adjusting is terrifying. My own mother is in her 70s and still refers to the now-long-dead women she knew growing up as “Miss Mary” and “Miss Georgia.”

                2. GreenDoor*

                  I’m white and I’m not from the South and I’m not “of a certain age” but I absolutely cringe when children address me as GreenDoor. I’m not your friend. I’m certainly not your peer. I am Mrs. GreenDoor to you. Same with my kids. I am teaching them to address adults as Miss, Mr., Mrs., etc *unless* that person specifically says to call them something else.

                3. dawbs*

                  THe only hangup I end up with on doing this is people who are genderqueer.
                  I’m an ‘old’ by my work standards (many of my work peers are in their 20’s), and, working in education, I use honorifics. So Ms. Jen, Mr. Todd, etc.
                  But I have 2 coworkers who are non-cis, and I’m having to find workarounds. One prefers I use their (<also hard for me. The singular 'they/their'. Working on it. But man, I got dinged on SO many term papers, it's 2nd nature) presenting gender. The other would like me to try to drop their honorific.
                  I'm trying hard on this (and my coworkers rock, and know that I screw up but I"m trying), but, man, a gender neutral honorific would help a lot.

                4. Else*

                  @dawbs, some people use Mx for a genderqueer honorific, pronounced “mix”. You could ask them if they’d like to use those. I am also one of those people who gets that blinking not-grammatically-correct! twinge when using recently created pronouns (though not they/their), but you gotta do what you gotta do. Courtesy is more important than correctness. After a while, they do feel natural – it just takes practice and use.

                5. Typhoid Mary*

                  Out of nesting! Replying to dawbs and Else: Thanks for bringing this up! I’m non-binary so honorifics for ::me personally:: stress me the fuck out. (“Mx.” is actually my current favorite, but I feel like I’m gonna throw up any time I ask people to use it because: transphobia.)

                  Also, if it helps re: singular “they,” it has actually been in use for hundreds of years! Not only did Shakespeare use it, you probably do to. For instance: “If anybody comes into the store, be sure to great them with a friendly smile.” Maybe that will help soothe some of the incongruity for you! (;

              2. KimberlyR*

                I am a white woman in the south and I wouldn’t either. I wouldn’t call a black man of the same age range as his first name without the Mr. Culturally, this is how my community refers to these people and it isn’t on me to change. It just feels more respectful. Obviously, if I’m told otherwise, I go with their preferred name.

              3. WonderCootie*

                This is a really interesting conversation. I had no idea the reasoning behind names like Princess, so thank you for that. I grew up with many friends with names like this so it never occurred to me until I was an adult that some other melanin-challenged people considered them weird (or worse).
                Typhoid Mary, I’m curious. Do you use honorifics only for elder black people or for all elders? If it’s only for black elders, may I ask your reasoning? Please forgive me if this sounds confrontational. I truly don’t mean it to be. This is one of the conversations we’ve been having in my office for several years now because my urban/northern-raised boss has had some culture shock coming into our southern small town (and he caused some culture shock for us, too!). It never occurred to me to call ANY elder by their first name without an honorific until he challenged it. He insists that it is infantilizing, so he calls everyone from the president of the university to the custodians by their first name and insists that they do they same for him.

                1. Typhoid Mary*

                  Hi WonderCootie, I’m happy to respond to your questions here and appreciate your good-faith approach. Just a heads-up: I’m probably not up for an extended back-and-forth.

                  My parents raised me to use honorifics for all elders; however, that was an anomoly where I grew up, and as I entered my 20s it became awkward and incongruous to address white elders with honorifics. More than half the white elders I met seemed strongly to prefer being addressed only by their first name.

                  With Black elders, I am unlikely to drop the honorific unless the person themself explicitly requests it, and that’s for a couple reason. The very first reason is: That’s what Black folks around me did. I didn’t have the full context, but I sensed there was a cultural difference, because Black folks addressed their elders with honorifics without fail, unlike the white communities I was a part of.

                  The second reason has been addressed elsewhere in the thread with regards to historical (and contemporary) disrespect to Black folks from white folks in terms of address.

                  If it seems like a double standard that I have different “rules” for white vs Black elders, I’ll freely admit to viewing it as a case of different cultures having different traditions for showing respect. (Incidentally, there is no single homogenous Black American culture, and I would absolutely defer to a Black elder asking me to address them without an honorific.)

                  If this conversation is interesting to you, I hope you will take some time to read Black authors and historians. Ijeoma Oluo recently published “So You Want To Talk About Race;” I haven’t read it, but I like her other work and people have said good things about it.

                  I won’t comment too much on your situation at work, but I will note that your boss may indeed be challenging conceptions of hierarchy; he is also, whether or not he intends it, using the power of his position to strip a custodian of their honorific. That does not feel particularly respectful or progressive to me; hopefully, he has a warm enough relationship with all of you that nobody feels disrespected.

                2. WonderCootie*

                  Typhoid Mary, thanks so much for the kind response. I have much the same experience with black vs. white culture (and I agree that that is really too wide a brush to paint with). The way you explain it makes a lot of sense. It really is on a case by case basis for me. Even with work, it still makes me uncomfortable to call the dean by his first name, and I refer to my department chair to people outside the college as Dr. Smith (not his real name). As for my boss, thankfully, our custodian is very patient, and they’ve had long discussions about the merits for and against honorifics. We’re still working on polishing some of his rough edges. Thanks for the author recommendation. I’ll definitely check her out.

                3. WonderCootie*

                  A quick edit to my last comment:
                  Typhoid Mary, no worries if you don’t respond to me. We’ve all got work to do, and I appreciate you taking the time you already have. :)

            3. Janie*

              A lot of people also like going by “Ms. (FirstName)” or the like. Not everyone, but it is an option for some people.

          5. TrainerGirl*

            I had the same thought, and I do wonder if, somewhere deep down, the OP is uncomfortable with these names because she subconsciously feels that these people don’t deserve the respect that these names connote. I hope that’s not the case.

            1. K*

              That seems a bit harsh to me. I think its more likely to be the reverse. One does not call actual royalty “princess” or “king,” one calls them “your highness,” “your majesty” or some variant thereof. Calling them princess or king to their face as a title would actually be disrespectful. Calling somebody princess can be seen as infantilising or mildly insulting, so while I certainly agree that OP needs to get over their discomfort and just use whatever people’s names actually are, I think their discomfort comes more from a feeling of not wanting to show disrespect rather than the reverse.

          6. Natatat*

            I really appreciate your comment. As a non-American, I have noticed names like Princess in American news, names of celebrities etc but didn’t know the background behind those names. Knowing the reason behind the names gives me a whole new appreciation for the names.

        3. Kathleen_A*

          I actually don’t think this was the OP’s intended meaning (though I can see how it could be interpreted that way – and of course this interpretation could be correct for all I know). I think the OP’s point is that she dislikes the names, but realizes that she shouldn’t judge people for having those names because they, after all, probably didn’t choose them.

          But then, I am personally related to people with first names such as “Colonel” and “Bay,” so WDIK?

          1. Le Sigh*

            But even if that’s not her intention, the effect of her statements and thought process are the same. It’s clearly seeping in to how she works with others–avoiding them, etc.

            I’m also having a hard time being charitable here, because of OP’s statements like this: “I’m bad at using humor in these situations and am always tempted to demand that they call me Empress Sweetie Boo or something equally ridiculous.” Why is she tempted to do this at all? OP has a specific definition of what constitutes a respectable name, and implies anything outside that is up for mockery. As if there isn’t a real person with different opinions, culture, life, and view point behind the name.

            And the whole “I realize they didn’t choose their names” still has the OP assuming they don’t like their names, that they’re unduly saddled with them. That’s awful presumptuous. They might like them, after all. And OP’s opinion on it doesn’t matter one lick. They need to just call them by the name they want to be called by, work with them as they would someone named “Jack” or “Jane” and get on with it.

            1. Kathleen_A*

              Oh, God, yes – the sample mockery, even if the OP never actually says it aloud, is just AWful. The OP really needs to find a way to just shut down that line of thinking – not just for these names but for any names that, for whatever reason, are outside her comfort zone. I expect my Great Uncle Colonel heard allllllll the jokes possible.

            3. Working Mom Having It All*

              Also, like… so what? I have a colleague who has a common enough name that I personally don’t like that much. Of course I’m still going to associate with her and use her name. Her name is none of my business, and honestly the fact that it’s not a name I’d pick for myself or bestow on a child is barely worth remarking on. Who cares?

            4. BluntBunny*

              Yes agree with this it shows a lack of respect and immaturity it reads that they are biting a smile whenever they hear their names.
              Also the “I realise they don’t choose their names” sounds like she pities the people she works with and looks down on them because of their name which is also not ok.

        4. Safety Dance*

          Many of the examples of “King” as a name are Biblical, with the first and middle names being King David.
          I’ve found it hilarious in old records that parents 150 years ago named their kids after celebrities, too. A distant relative of mine is George Washington Lastname. There were children named after Millard Fillmore.
          I wonder if she has the same problem using the names Glenda, Vanessa, Jayden, Norma or Lucinda. All of which are, says the website Behind the Name, completely made up.

      3. aebhel*

        Yep. I have an unusual name that’s not pronounced the way most people read it; I still expect to be called by it. People’s names are their names, OP. You use them and keep any negative opinions to yourself.

        1. CommanderBanana*

          Same – I have a fairly uncommon name, as in it’s not that popular, AND my parents pronounce it differently than everyone else with the same name, so it is ALWAYS mispronounced and I think people get frustrated trying to get it right, but it’s my name, I don’t have a nickname or useable middle name so I expect people to, you know, use my name, and if we’re going to be interacting on a regular basis I expect you to at least try to pronounce it correctly.

        2. Alianne*

          Yep. My name is a variant of a common name, and people who will not do me the common courtesy of checking to ensure they spelled it correctly, or who consistently mispronounce it because it’s apparently just too hard to ask me, are incredibly frustrating. A past client worked with my company for almost three years, and never once in that time did he ever spell my name correctly in emails–despite the fact that my name IS my email address. And I will never forget the well-meaning teacher who had to be reprimanded because she kept crossing out my name and writing the “correct” spelling on everything I did.

          If you have pronunciation questions, ask. If you want to know the history of a name, ask. Otherwise, be respectful of your coworkers’ names.

          1. CommanderBanana*

            I really wish my parents had checked with pronunciation before they named me – but the technically incorrect pronunciation is my actual name. And it’s not that complicated of a name, it’s basically just pronouncing one of the vowels differently, and it’s still phonetic.

          2. Susie*

            Someone tweeted this alternate lyrics for Destiny Child’s “Say My Name” once and it always stuck with me:

            Spell my name, spell my name
            It’s right there in the email
            It’s not a hidden detail
            The spelling doesn’t change…

          3. clunker*

            What do you MEAN a teacher “corrected” your name’s spelling? How old were you? How big was the class? What possible combination of factors leads to a teacher thinking “ah, yes, I should correct this students name, without checking against the attendance sheet or anything, because they clearly spelled their own name wrong.”??

            1. Leilani*

              FWIW, I’ve had two teachers tell me I got my own name wrong. Both in elementary. Usually subs just ignored my corrections or have me a nickname or tried to avoid calling on me, but two of them did actively tell me I was wrong. About my own name.

              I also had a coworker who added random ‘y’s for three years, despite corrections from my boss and peers and y’know, it being my email. (There’s no y in Leilani, weirdly! Always in different places somehow.)

            2. Alianne*

              I was in second grade, in a class of 20+ students, back in the 80s. This was a long-term substitute (she was there for at least three weeks while my usual teacher was in the hospital), and she just could not comprehend the spelling of my name. I could not convince her that I knew how to spell my own name. The roll sheet must be an error. She very nicely “corrected” every instance of my name, even the name label on my desk that I had handwritten and decorated myself.

              After a couple of weeks of this, I apparently had a panic attack in front of my parents and demanded to know why they gave me the “wrong” name because the new teacher said my name was wrong and now I was going to fail second grade…(ah, academic anxiety). I learned later that my parents called the principal, the principal spoke to the substitute, and ended up having to show her my enrollment paperwork to prove that yes, this was my legal name, I was not spelling it incorrectly, stop giving this tiny child an identity crisis. I don’t remember if she ever apologized directly to me; just one day the corrections of my name stopped.

              1. Sabina*

                I had a first grade teacher try to teach me to spell my name incorrectly because they way it was actually spelled did not look “right” to her. When my mother found out she was livid and quickly put an end to that noise.

          4. aquar1an*

            THE WORST. Also, people making a face before attempting to read your name… I get this often (at Starbucks), and it’s frankly worse than hearing my name mispronounced with confidence.

        3. Presidential Name*

          I have a fairly common first name that people can spell multiple ways, and I find it IRRITATING when people spell my name wrong. I can’t imagine someone calling me outside of my name.

          By the way, I’m a black woman and my parents’ gave both my brother and I very white sounding names because of the attitudes of people like OP 1. If you ask them, they will say they gave us these names so we can “fit in”. Check yourself before your wreck yourself, OP.

          1. Ice and Indigo*

            And more broadly, most names mean something good when you go into their etymology. Parents like to give their kids names that mean good things. Even people who choose the most common names very possibly looked them up in a baby book and thought, ‘Hey, it means something nice. That’s good.’

            Most names mean something more than just a random collection of syllables; English-speakers are just used to names that come from othe languages. Think of it like someone being called Faith or Joy: it’s just a name from your own language, and once you’re used to it it’s just a name.

            And even if someone has a truly weird name, then they’ve doubtless been given grief about it before you met them and will already be sick of remarks, so don’t add to that. Not saying King or Princess are weird, for the record; they seem pretty natural choices if you’re taking English as your language of origin. But really weird name havers, you can be sure, already know people think their name is weird.

            1. Rebecca*

              Heh. Rebecca (in the UK a very unremarkable name that I’m sure the letter write would have no trouble with at all) gets variously translated as a tie, a trap, a snare or a “noosed cord”. The nicest definition I’ve seen is “beautifully ensnaring”. It doesn’t really matter, I’m fairly sure my parents picked it because they liked it, possibly because it was biblical, possibly because they thought it wasn’t too common or too unusual and sounded OK with their surname rather than for the meaning.

              Names are hugely cultural and names from other cultures may be strange and surprising to us and difficult to spell or pronounce but it’s basic politeness to make your best attempt at addressing a person in the way they want to be addressed.

              2. Observer*

                it’s basic politeness to make your best attempt at addressing a person in the way they want to be addressed.

                This reminds me of a book title “Everything I needed to know I learned in kindergarten”

                This is just so basic that it makes me sad that it needs to be said to adults.

                1. Nessun*

                  It drives me BANANAS that people cannot figure that out. I had a half hour conversation once with someone who insisted it was fine that his coworker got to choose other people’s nicknames based on ‘what she wanted/remembered to call them’. No. That is disrespectful, you don’t do it!!

            2. Pocket Wench*

              My name means a “settlement of huts” in Gaelic. Don’t get me wrong, I love my name. But my parents definitely picked it for the sound and not the meaning.

            3. Mike*

              And some that might seem odd at first usually have a good reason. Many Mongolian men’s names include togoo ‘cooking pan’ or tulga ‘trivet’ (tripod to support a pot in a fire); they are meant to ensure that the young man will be a good provider for his wife and children.

        4. SC*

          +1. Also, many names including “ric” or “rick” stem from the German for “ruler”–Richard, Fredrick, Derick, Cedrick, Roderick, etc.

        1. Artemesia*

          This argument strikes me as disingenuous. No one knows or cares about the ‘meaning’ of names except people combing over baby name books and even then, no one chooses the name for that reason. I think my name ‘mean’ God’s grace or something like that according to these books, but no one cares, no one knows and it is not read that way — it is just a common name in the western tradition. It is quite different to experience than what a child named Precious or Princess or King will experience.

          People get to name their own kids and everyone should respect the names others have and call them what they want to be called, but that a common name supposedly ‘means’ king or ‘beloved of God’ has nothing to do with the hazards kids face if they get named ‘Precious, Prince or King.’ On the other hand, the assertiveness of minority communities in using the names they love has dramatically changed the acceptability of those names. My young grandchildren find nothing odd about names that in my day would have evoked ridicule in school; they have all sorts of classmates with once uncommon names; this is progress.

    5. many bells down*

      I saw an interview with Mr. T where he said he chose that name specifically because he saw his father addressed as “boy” or worse, and he wanted the first word people said to him to be “mister.”

        4. Liet-Kinda*

          I am psychologically incapable of reading the phrase “I pity the fool” in any mental voice but Mr. T’s.

        5. Mr. X*

          Much as some names drive me nuts, I can’t help but remember a Star Trek: TNG episode where Data is kidnapped and made into an unwilling museum piece. The guy who kidnapped him asks him his name, and he says, “Data.” (pronounced day-tuh). Later on, the guy calls him “Data”. (pronounced dah-tuh). Then he says, “Dah-tuh, day-tuh, what’s the difference?” Data replies, “One is my name. The other is not.” That always stuck with me for people’s names, no matter how silly they seem.

          1. JennyFair*

            Wasn’t that convo with Dr. Polaski? It took her some time to come around to recognizing his sentience.

          2. A Tax NERD*

            I LOVE THIS. Using it from now on when someone mispronounces my name which fairly common but with 2 slightly different pronunciations.

      3. OhNo*

        Watching that interview as a young teen was how I finally caught on to the reason that some of my classmates were named King, Queen, Princess, and so on. It was a lightbulb moment for me, and it might help re-frame the issue for the OP, too.

    6. Phoenix Programmer*

      It’s OK to feel I uncomfortable and it was right of OP to write in for advice vs expressing those feeling using any of her examples.

      I can’t say the discomfort will neccasrilly fade though. I have a coworker named Honey and although I have worked worth her door 2 years I still get side eye for phone conversations with her .. and we’ll .. that’s uncomfortable! But it is what is and I handle the odd looks and explain to folks that that is her name.

      1. Traffic_Spiral*

        Yeah, some people just have weird names (Dick, Abcde, Pipi, etc.). Some people have names that you personally are uncomfortable with for your own reasons (Jesus for some religions, someone with the name of your sibling/lover/ex/whatever). At the end of the day, it’s their name, and if they want to be called by it, you call them by it.

        If it makes you feel any better, you know that thing where you repeat a word so much it stops sounding like a word and just like a weird sound (semantic satiation, FYI)? Well, it sorta works for names too. Eventually, it’ll just start sounding like the bit of sounds you use to call them.

        1. TiredLady*

          Right. My husband has the same name as my ex. I’ve felt uncomfortable when I worked with someone who had a name from another culture that was difficult for my English-speaking tongue to pronounce at first. But in the interest of basic respect of others of course I got over it quickly and called them by their name.

          In addition to the racial aspect of this, a big issue here is that the OP is making someone else’s name about HER when it’s really not. Your feelings about someone else’s name are irrelevant unless you’re a parent naming their own child. Otherwise it really should not cause you more than mild discomfort that you easily get over because it’s not about you.

          1. Sapphire*

            Even if you are a parent naming a kid, that kid may later decide to change that name for gender reasons, or just because they’d prefer to be known as something else. In that case, you may feel disappointed or sad about it, but your child likely isn’t doing it to spite you.

            1. TiredLady*

              Yes, you’re totally right. I was thinking during the pregnancy when you’re choosing the name but didn’t specify that (my mistake). After the kid is born the name is *theirs* and theirs alone to keep or change.

          2. stitchinthyme*

            My husband has the same first name as the uncle who molested me in my teens. He has said many times that he wishes he didn’t share a name with that guy, but he has done a lot to take away the bad associations I have with the name. (Aside from the name, they are nothing at all alike.) I would never ask him to change his name for me.

            Anyway, we rarely call each other by our names regardless; we usually use terms of endearment when addressing each other.

          3. RobertRobert*

            “It’s not about you.”

            That’s the long and the short of it.

            As someone who has a very unusual name IRL, let me also say: OP anything that you might say to Princess about her name, she has heard dozens (if not hundreds) of times already in her life. Her name none of your business, just like your name is none of her business.

        2. Sharon*

          The only name I’ve ever been uncomfortable with was two different people (at different times) named Bich. I think they were Vietnamese. I respect people’s names but this one I always felt like a passerby would think I was abusing them if they heard me call them that!

          1. Seifer*

            It is indeed Vietnamese! It’s one of my aunt’s names. I’ve just always told my friends that it sounds more like ‘beak’ than ‘bitch without a t’ and that usually helps.

            1. Rose*

              The “ch” in Bich is like the “ch” in the Scottish word “loch”. I expect there are other words the same, but I can’t think of them right now.

        3. LQ*

          I’m deeply personally uncomfortable with the name of my abusive ex who had an extremely common name for men and women. If you were to list names that are common for both men and women, it would be in the top 5, maybe #1. One of my best friends has this name. It still makes me shiver a little to say it. Do I avoid saying the actual name when I’m having a bad day? Sometimes. But I never avoid those people! That is a bridge way to far. You can do a lot of communicating with someone without having to say their name. I know I’m better off talking TO the person than about them.

          I’d rather say go talk to them to get what I need myself than ask someone else to do it for me because if I do it I don’t have to say the name, if I ask someone else, I do. Start using the names and start going to those coworkers when they are the right coworkers!

        4. Database Developer Dude*

          It would make me uncomfortable to work with someone with the name of my lover/ex/whatever, but I’m not sure why it would be uncomfortable to work with someone with the name of a sibling…. could you shed some light on that please?

          1. ChimericalOne*

            Some people don’t have good relationships with their siblings — they could be bullies, etc. Perhaps that was what was meant?
            Or maybe it was just “I have very strong associations with this name.” My own sister’s name is fairly uncommon, and people used to mix us up as kids, so I always do a bit of a double-take when I hear someone say her name — I think of her, and I half-think they’re talking to me (because of accidentally being called her name as a child).

          2. OhNo*

            ChimericalOne has a good point about negative associations, but my first thought was the temptation to use a nickname. My sibling and I pretty much never used full names for each other growing up, and I’ve had slip-ups in the past where I accidentally addressed someone with the same name as a nickname instead when I’m out of it. (Doesn’t happen often, luckily, but it’s happened at least three times that I can remember off hand.)

            1. Database Developer Dude*

              Ah, that makes sense. I also do not have good relationships with siblings, but I’ve long since ceased to care. That’s probably why I was confused at first.

          3. Erin W*

            It wasn’t a discomfort thing necessarily, but years ago I worked briefly with a woman whose name was very close to my sister’s (relatively rare) name, but with a slightly altered pronunciation. So for weeks I had to correct myself when addressing my co-worker. Then later when I got together with my family, I mispronounced my sister’s name. Nobody particularly minded obviously.

            I can see other situations where the sibling thing would be a setback–I’m complaining to a coworker about my annoying sister Kathy and her misadventures, and someone assumes I meant Kathy in HR and then rumors start. Just a situation that calls for specificity, probably. Or limited gossiping about your sister.

            I also worked in an office where the director had a husband with the same name as the deputy director’s DOG. The deputy director was like, “yes, we’ve had some hilarious misunderstandings.”

      2. EventPlannerGal*

        It was right of the OP to ask, but I don’t know what other answer they could have expected to get. “Don’t make fun of other people’s names” is, frankly, the type of thing that you ought to learn as a child, and the likely racial aspect makes the question particularly loaded. Perhaps I’m particularly sensitive about this as someone with an unusual name that gets mocked frequently, but I do find it hard to sympathise with the mindset of the LW. Just don’t make fun of other people’s names.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          I was once overhearing some phone training where the trainer had to spell out “Do NOT make fun of people’s names. There is no way you just came up with an original joke on their name that they never heard before.” So some people do need it spelled out.

          1. shep*

            So much this. It shouldn’t have to be spelled out, but some people do need such a straightforward directive. OP, it’s fine of you to ask in this forum and I’m glad you felt comfortable writing in to Allison, but yes, please call your colleagues by the names they go by.

            I have a unique name my parents picked out from my dad’s home country that can be shortened to a more common name in the US, and have had an alarming amount of people suggest that I go by that instead. My dad Anglicized his name to make it easier for people to say (and by Anglicized, I mean he literally just chose a short, common name that shared some letters with his actual name), and I feel like he totally shouldn’t have had to do that.

            I’ve had people (usually older and male) make what I imagine they thought was gentle, good-natured fun of my name. It’s over the phone so luckily no one can see me roll my eyes.

            What takes the utter cake, though, was (yet again) an older man over the phone who asked for my name.

            Me: Shepard (except my actual name, of course)
            Him: What??
            Me: Shepard.
            Him: WHAT???!!
            Me: SHEP. ARD.
            Him: WHATEVER.

            Whatever??? Seriously?? (I know you wouldn’t do this, OP, but I doubt you’re the first person your colleagues have met who have reservations about calling them by their names–and it gets very tiresome to those of us saddled with unique names. Being sensitive to that, if nothing else, is a huge help to us.)

          2. Armchair Analyst*

            As someone whose given name rhymes with a common brand name, that is an excellent point.
            The joke is old and not funny and the audience is not receptive. Move along, please.

        2. Queen Anon*

          I knew someone whose own mother mocked her newborn daughter’s name (unusual and pretty) to such a degree that the newborn’s parents legally changed it to a cute but very bland and common name in a matter of weeks. Some people never learn good manners and empathy.

          1. Former Employee*

            I would have banned mom instead. I can’t believe that “mother” wasn’t horrible in a multitude of other ways.

        3. Data Miner*

          Don’t lampoon me for this, but I didn’t know the background reason for choosing these names is to garner respect and OP may not have either. Alison, and this community, provides context and perspectives to everyday situations that may not be as simple as “get over it and don’t make fun of people’s names”.

          1. TootsNYC*

            well, this situation *IS* as simple as “get over it and don’t make fun of people’s names.”

            But I agree, it’s extra powerful to hear some of these deeper reasons.

          2. Typhoid Mary*

            It can be hard to know all the ins and outs of historic (and contemporary!) marginalizations, especially if you’re not a member of those communities, it’s true.

            This is a lovely opportunity to reflect on why mockery is so often a bad choice–we often don’t know the histories we’re stepping into.

          3. EventPlannerGal*

            I absolutely agree that not everybody will be aware of the context of these specific names – I didn’t know it until quite recently – and I’m glad Alison provided it! But I find it difficult to think of many situations where the answer *wouldn’t* boil down to “get over it and don’t make fun of people names”. The racial element here is an additional layer of complexity that not everyone will know about immediately, but to me it would remain unacceptable for the LW to avoid people and mock their names if it was because she thought they were old-fashioned or childish or spelled stupidly or whatever. It’s their name.

            1. Safetykats*

              Unfortunately, once you know about the racial back story, it just gets worse. I’ve worked with several older, white men named Earl, and I can’t help but wonder if OP would have the same reaction to any of the Earls that she has to Princess and King.

              I’ve also worked with older, white men named Alison, Jan, and Julie. A lot of people (mostly other men) were uncomfortable with those names, but they were all management, and if anyone was tempted to be mocking, they kept it to themselves. I also can’t help but wonder if OP would have the same impulse if Princess was her grandboss.

      3. Kimmybear*

        I had a roommate once whose first name roughly translated to “look” in the country we lived in. I got a call from the maintenance office that kept starting with “Look, I need you to…” and I kept replying “Look isn’t here.” Took a couple rounds for us to figure out what was going on.

        2. SarahTheEntwife*

          Yeah, for a while we had an employee whose name was a homophone to “me”, which lead to one or two Who’s On First moments.

          1. Sabina*

            I worked with a woman who after marriage had a first and last name that were spelled differently but pronounced the same (think “Sandy Sandee”). We were required to answer incoming calls from the public with both our first and last names. This made for some hilarious conversations. She was a good sport and could have, I suppose, used a different version of her name, but she enjoyed this unique thing about herself as a conversations starter. None of her co-workers thought it was a problem, because, you know, it wasn’t.

          2. Joielle*

            My cousin has a close friend named “Ai,” which is pronounced like “I,” which leads to the same thing… “Ai got engaged over the weekend!” “You what??” “No, AI… AI got engaged.” “I’m sorry, you what now??”

            We usually figure it out pretty quickly… Even with the confusion, though, nobody’s been tempted to assign her a different nickname!

            1. Former Employee*

              The only way around this is to use the person’s whole name. Instead of: “Ai got engaged this weekend.”, it would be said as” “Ai Smith got engaged this weekend.”

      4. RandomusernamebecauseIwasboredwiththelastone*

        Agree with this. Honestly I kind of think the race aspect is a bit of a red herring in this situation. There have been many times in my life I’ve been introduced to someone that I’m uncomfortable using their name for one reason or another. Examples:
        -Calling people the diminutive version of my own name because I have a deep seated hate for it. Think calling someone Sam, when my name is Samantha.
        -HS student teacher named Mr. Bigot -he was a very nice man and it seemed wrong to refer to him as a derogatory term, even if it was his name
        -I once worked with a person in college named Sunshine, why yes I felt like an idiot every time I greeted her with “Good Morning, Sunshine”
        -I was friends with and Ursula during the time frame that the Little Mermaid was popular.
        -Again in college, I knew a Brandy Alexander… that awkwardness was mostly for her having to go through life being named after a cocktail

        Yes, race can be a component to this mostly because there are different naming conventions in different cultures, but assuming the OP is of a dominant culture there are just as many opportunities for unique names.

        This is just one of those times in life where you acknowledge quietly to yourself “hmm this seems awkward” and get on with it.

        1. RandomusernamebecauseIwasboredwiththelastone*

          Replying to myself because I forgot to add this bit, which was the point I was trying to make.

          All of the examples I gave above were people/names of the same race as me. (Including this one… a boyfriend of one of my friend’s in HS who was named King).

      5. Jessen*

        I admit I’d have a pretty hard time with “Princess.” Outside of historical discussions, I’ve always heard “princess” be used as a gendered insult. I’d still get over it, but I feel like I’d be looking over my shoulder the whole time to make sure no one takes it the wrong way.

        1. Observer*

          I have some sympathy for that. That’s VERY different from the OP’s reaction of mockery and judgement, though. And, even this is something you need to get over – as you clearly understand.

        2. Works in IT*

          I would also have trouble with “Princess” specifically, and for the same reason. To me the word “princess” is at least mildly derogatory and refers to someone who is acting like pre 18th century royalty, regardless of gender. I would feel horribly uncomfortable calling someone “Princess”, just like I would feel horribly uncomfortable calling someone “Dick”. But if it’s someone’s name it’s someone’s name.

      6. Michaela Westen*

        I’m a little stressed thinking of being named Honey. I can just imagine all the creepy men who will use it as an excuse for trying to hit on me.

    7. Engineer Girl*

      I also think it’s important to note that feelings don’t get the last word. You need to do what is right in spite of feelings. That’s how We grow as adults. You don’t want to be ruled by your emotions.

    8. Princess Consuela Banana Hammock*

      Alison’s response is bang on, but I’m really struggling with OP’s comment that they’re tempted to construct elaborate names as a “joke” response to their coworkers’ names. I don’t understand the desire to mock when there are literally dozens of everyday names that literally mean Princess, Sir, Honey, etc. Their names are not ridiculous. If they’re uncomfortable to use, practice will help (although OP may never be fully comfortable with those names). But at a minimum, it’s important to show people respect by calling them by the name they wish to be called.

      1. Annastasia von Beaverhausen*

        Yes, exactly. And no matter how clever or original the OP feels their joke is, I can guarantee it’s been heard at least 1,000 times before.

        Avoid it OP – you will only make yourself look VERY bad.

      2. StellaBella*

        Bingo. +1000 to all of these replies. I was going to add another comment, but will instead contribute to this thread.

        In many African countries and in African American communities in the USA, names have meanings behind them whether it is from the time of day the baby was born, or ancestral names, or religious links, or day-born names (Tuesday for ex), or if the baby is a twin (special names for first and second babies), etc etc. The Afrocentrism movement in the USA in the 70’s saw many changes to naming cultures and conventions. Many names come from French, Arabic, or other cultures, too, and of course from the bible. The Civil Rights movement also meant a recovery of heritage and names were a part of this, too – as slaves were given European names and taking names back meant a political and cultural shift.

        I have worked with women and men from all over the world, both in a US software firm where I worked with an amazing Saudi developer on a multi-cultural team of 40 ppl from Europe, USA, Asia, and in Europe I have worked with women and men from literally 48 countries. I would never dream of mocking a person’s given name, whether it was Moez or Elodie or Joy or Goodluck Ebele Azikiwe Jonathan (former President of Nigeria, with whom I did not work, but one of my former interns did).

        Also – this attitude of the OP is …. unfortunate for many reasons. It is a closed-minded manner of going about the world and is a reflection on them that is just …. sad. I read the phrase, “…am always tempted to demand that they call me Empress Sweetie Boo or something equally ridiculous, ” and am offended – because their colleague’s name IS NOT ridiculous, it is THEIR NAME, Fer Cryin Out Loud. Respect people, please, and please, if you can, learn from the comments here.

        1. The Grammarian*

          StellaBella, yes. I agree with everything that you say. Learning to say someone’s name is a sign of respect. I have a name that is hard for people unfamiliar with French names to say and I appreciate when people take the time to learn how to say it properly. It’s respectful to me and to my heritage.

        2. EPLawyer*

          It’s their name, not a made up one. So making up a name is doubling insulting. You are acting as if their name is not their real name but something they made up.

          Use the name AND pronouns people prefer to be called. Do not impose your sensibilities on the subject on that person.

          1. Elsajeni*

            Also, some people did make up their names — maybe they chose an English/Western name to go by, or changed their name as part of a gender transition, or just felt like picking a new name as adults — and those names still aren’t jokes and should be respected! If it’s how they’re introducing themselves at work, then they didn’t make it up just to be funny or to get attention, like you would be if you said “okay, but only if you call me Empress Sweetie Boo” — they made it up because that’s what they actually want to be called, even if it sounds exactly as silly to you as Empress Sweetie Boo would.

        3. Rusty Shackelford*

          I read the phrase, “…am always tempted to demand that they call me Empress Sweetie Boo or something equally ridiculous, ” and am offended – because their colleague’s name IS NOT ridiculous, it is THEIR NAME, Fer Cryin Out Loud.

          This. I find even the IDEA that you might refuse to use a colleague’s name because it makes you “uncomfortable” to be pretty bad in and of itself, but this solution? It’s awful, OP. It’s their name. It’s not a name that’s offensive in your culture. It’s just a name you’re not used to. So get used to it.

          (I have a relative whose name is one of the names you use as an example of a “ridiculous” name. Your attitude offends me.)

          1. Jen S. 2.0*

            Right. I even could understand a wee bit more the poster a few months back whose Asian colleague’s name was something like Pissporn, but even that poster was strongly encouraged to get over it.

      3. Jen*

        I also think you’d get in serious trouble at work for doing so (and deserve it, frankly). Call people by their names. Making fun of someone’s name is middle school level behavior.

        1. Liane*

          There have already been posts where people have gotten in trouble over (non) use of others’ name:
          The manager who had to repeatedly discipline most of her team because they insisted on calling a coworker Polly instead of Parvati and playing the “Ooopsie, I forgot again” game instead of following the manager’s direction (& common decency) & using Parvati.
          King, the job candidate who finally decided to decline an offer because he was told he couldn’t use his actual name because a current employee objected on religious grounds. (Am pretty sure that “running off our top candidate over something stupid” doesn’t make a hiring manager look good to their bosses)

          1. Michaela Westen*

            “he was told he couldn’t use his actual name because a current employee objected on religious grounds.”
            Isn’t there some kind of law about religion in the workplace???
            Glad I didn’t see that one. Just the reference here is making me furious.

        2. Strawmeatloaf*

          I think we all remember the recent incident with the child whose name was made fun of for being named Abcde (pronounced Ab-city).

      5. aebhel*

        Yes. OP, do not do this. It won’t break the ‘tension’, it’ll just make you look like an ass.

      6. Michaela Westen*

        ” OP’s comment that they’re tempted to construct elaborate names as a “joke” response to their coworkers’ names.”
        I expect this is something OP learned as a child, a coping mechanism. We all have them. Some withdraw, some placate, some fight, some perform. I imagine as a child OP entertained and made friends by doing this, and got in the habit. It’s good she knows it’s not appropriate here, and with practice she will overcome the impulse.

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        Perhaps it is, but let’s also remember that OP has written to Alison for advice, which is a good thing because it means these thoughts will hopefully not become vocalised.

      2. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

        It does rather, but hopefully the OP is coming from an environment where they are unfamiliar with such naming practices and will, with Alison’s advice, quickly realise that their reaction is inadvertently racist. I certainly did a double take the first time I met someone with a name like Sir because I had not encountered it before, but I soon realised that it was just the way some people do things and no more silly than any of the names people in my ethnic and cultural group have.

      3. Czhorat*

        You aren’t alone in that.

        At the very least, it is culturally insensitive to treat familiar names as “normal” and names which might be typical of other cultures as literally worthy of mocking.

        “Jokes” such as “call me empress” remind me if the “attack helicopter” jokes trans people get. It’s offensive enough that if OP did make a joke like that they cores and likely should be fired.

        1. Aveline*

          It’s not a “joke.” It’s mockery.

          It’s punching down and stamping on the person with the heel of your boot.

          She might not realize that. She might not mean it. But that’s the impact it will have.

          1. Czhorat*

            That is exactly my point, phrased more clearly and succinctly. It’s why I put the word “joke” in quotes – because I agree that it’s more than that. That’s why I gave the example of the “attack helicopter” “joke” — both are an attack disguised as humor.

            Again, if OP made such a “joke” and was fired for it, it would not be undeserved.

            1. Database Developer Dude*

              I’ve seen the “attack helicopter” “joke” passed around mainly in military circles, and sadly, I’ve seen this attack doubled-down on when challenged. It’s sad.

        2. Former Employee*

          I had never heard of this before and had to look it up. That is just as strange as the fake issues people brought up in connection with same sex marriage, such as that if we make ssm legal, the next thing will be that people will want to marry their dog/cat/parakeet, etc. I wonder what these people missed in biology class regarding taxonomy.

          My favorite was the fear that legalizing ssm would lead to the legalization of polygamy. Given that most of the people who objected to ssm did so on religious grounds, I wondered why they seemed so ignorant of the fact that polygamy was legal and common in Biblical times.

      4. Aveline*

        OP, if you read the comments, please remember that the posters here are concerned about racism and they don’t know you. Imagine how it will play if you do any mocking (bc that’s what your “joke” actually is). Especially if the target is someone who is a stranger to you or with whom you have any tension or disagreement.

        You WILL look racist. Your intent doesn’t matter.

        The only time – only time – I ever refused to call someone by their given name was a child I knew whose parents named her something akin to “Jennifer Pocahontas Fitzimmons.” They wanted to call her Pochahontas. I refused. Because two pasty white rich Southerners with no connection to Pocohontas using the name “because they liked the Disney” movie was not ok. They were the sort of people who thought racism was dead and POCs and First Nations folk needed to “get over it” and “move on.”

        Now, I honestly don’t know what I’d do if I ran into a white adult American woman who had that name or something similar. I’d be torn between “call people what they want” and “don’t allow white people to perpetuate further colonization of First Nations’ cultures by appropriating their narrative and names.”

        DH also had an issue once where a colleague from Asia had a name that was a very sexual, derogatory term in some Spanish-speaking countries. Think “Puta.” He took the colleague aside and said “your name means X” in this culture. So we can either use it and I’ll tamp down any bs from your colleagues from that culture or, if you’d rather not deal, you can choose a nickname. The woman chose a nickname. But that was her choice. Had she insisted on using her name, DH would have dealt with it and had her back.

        I don’t care if it’s race, gender, etc. Call people what they ask to be called. Even if it is difficult for you. Even if it is embarrassing to you.

        Mocking names as weird or inferior is wrong. Dead wrong. It makes you look callous and juvenile at best and racist and judgmental at worst. It’s also culturally myopic in the extreme. What is “weird” to you is normal elsewhere.

        Don’t mock the names black America has chosen to adapt. Particularly those names borne out of oppression and a yearning for respect.

        Don’t deadname trans individuals.

        Don’t call women by their husband’s last name (0r entire name) unless you know they prefer to be addressed that way.

        If someone has a name that is “foreign” to you, make every effort to pronounce and spell it properly. Even if you aren’t 100% successful, even if it’s embarrassing to you, even if it makes you feel uncomfortable.

        Don’t use nicknames, diminutives, or terms of affection unless you know the person wants it and welcomes it. Don’t just assume you “know.” You have to ask and listen.

        Some day the shoe might be on the other foot. I have a first name that isn’t unusual for the English or French speaking world. But there are parts of Europe where people really can’t wrap their head around it. They constantly try and shift it to an English name they know. Think something like saying Ann instead of Amy.

        What is “odd” or “wired” or “wrong” to you isn’t objectively so. It’s only your opinion. And if you are American of any race, it’s an opinion that’s been formed in a cultural context that prioritizes and normalizes and defaults to a white Anglo-German culture. Not just “white European” but a very narrow slice of white European.

        1. Mimi Me*

          Very well said.
          TBH, I’ve always wondered what might happen if someone moved to a country and realized their given name meant something completely offensive in the language of the new country. I’ve seen comedy sketches to that fact, but have always wondered if it was a real thing. Good on your DH for offering to explain that to his colleague.

          1. TheOperaGhost*

            I was once processing paperwork for a family that had just moved to the US from India. The youngest daughter’s name was Swastika. She was too young to understand (I think maybe 4), but I really hoped somebody pulled aside her parents’ and explained the issues of her name within a US/western context.

          2. Natatat*

            I used to work at a ESL school in Canada. There was a Korean student whose name was Si Min. And another Korean student named Hye Min. Both women. I don’t know if either were aware of the English (sexual) meaning of their names at that time, as they were beginner English learners. Normal names in their home countries, very different meaning in English speaking countries. I did wonder at the time if they might have occasional uncomfortable interactions in English speaking countries. A creepy type of person could behave weirdly towards them using their names.

        2. GMN*

          My mom is a teacher and had a student whose family came to our country as refugees. His name means “crap” in our language, so she decided to talk to his parents and check if they wanted to use a nickname, like your DH did. When she explained that his name (think Shitor) had an unfortunate meaning in our language, they thanked her and suggested an even worse nickname (Shit) so she had to double back and suggest the last part of the name instead (Tor)! They understood and chose the nickname:)

        3. Works in IT*

          My department had a problem with an employee with a rather long, complicated, first and last name of (Indian? Definitely a southern Asian last name) origin. We spent a week talking about her before she came in to meet with us, and she was shocked that I knew how to spell her name.
          My coworker still can’t spell it, and we’ve been discussing this for two weeks now.

        4. Jamey*

          Yes to all of this. Also, the comment about wanting to come up with something “equally ridiculous” grated on me super hard because I’m nonbinary and youd be amazed how many people find out how I identify and immediately say things like “well I identify as an attack helicopter and i expect you to refer to me as such.”

          It’s pretty much the same joke as OP is suggesting. It’s extremely bigoted and extremely hurtful. Making up a name that you think is ridiculous to compare to peoples real names is bigoted and hurtful.

        6. aebhel*

          I’ve known three separate (white) women named ‘Gypsy’, so. Yeah.

          (They mostly went by nicknames, but still.)

        7. Choux*

          I wonder if you would use my name. I’m a pasty white woman from Appalachia with a name that’s typically only found in the Black community. My mom read it in a magazine and failed to do any further research. She just thought it sounded nice, she certainly wasn’t attempting to appropriate another culture.

          1. Aveline*

            I would. It’s a different scenario.

            You are an adult and capable of knowing and understanding the source of the name.

            Also, there’s a huge difference between “typically black name” and Pocahontas chosen after a Disney princess.

            I would probably even call a white kid Sacagawea if the parents had chosen the name in honor of the great woman.

            There’s a huge difference between borrowing a name from another culture and borrowing the one name most associated with the exploitation of First Nations women b/c you liked a Disney movie that is one long erasing trope-filled horror.

            1. Observer*

              You still don’t get to refuse to call someone by their name, whatever you may think of their parent(s). As everyone keeps saying, THAT’S THEIR NAME.

              1. Aveline*

                Well, we disagree.

                I think if you are a member of a community that was wronged by white people in the USA and someone is appropriating a name and using it b/c “Disney Princess” you can do so.

                This isn’t as black and white as you are making it.

                While I’m not a member of a band, tribe, or nation myself, I am eligible, my family are members, and I’ve done a lot of activism.

                I will not mock the kid’s name to the kid, but I won’t use it.

                It’s offensive.

                If you can’t see that and think names trump cultural appropriation, erasure, and genocide of entire nations of people, then we have nothing further to discuss.

                Also, this is derailing, so I’m going to detach.

                1. AnnaBananaFofana*

                  For Pete’s sake, what community did the “pasty white” rich Pocahontas girl wrong, that you are so indignant about her chosen name?

                  You know what’s offensive? Self-righteous people who think little rich white girls should be guilted by the sins of her past generations.

                2. Close Bracket*

                  The offspring didn’t appropriate the name. Her parents did. Don’t punish the offspring for her parents’ sins.

              2. CommanderBanana*

                ^^ Agree. If the kid decides they want to use a nickname later, fine, but it’s not my job to interrogate the origins of other people’s names. My name comes from a culture that I have no particular connection to either.

              3. ....*

                Yeah, what the heck? You’re basically saying that we should 100% respect and call people the name they were given unless you personally disagree with it! The Pocahontas girl wouldn’t have even chosen their name, the parents did.

                1. JD*

                  I think it’s interesting at this point that people are jumping on Aveline at least as hard as the OP if not harder, even though Aveline’s reasons for taking objection to a name are dramatically different and better informed and do not involve mockery or shaming (or saying that the girl should feel bad, in spite of how other commenters are reading it.) One thing that I try to do myself is if I haven’t specifically thought about a thing much (in this case, white people naming a daughter Pocahontas because they liked the Disney movie) and I get a strong emotional reaction (which I’m not in this case, actually), I try to sit on it a while before commenting. Because, unfortunately, some oppression-related discussions consistently get taken over by the knee-jerk reactions of people who haven’t ever really *thought* about a thing but have strong initial feelings about it. So people who *have* thought about it end up having the same highly-charged, yet highly unconstructive, discussion over, and over, and over again. (In my case that was influenced by one time someone brought up the idea that white people wearing dreadlocks is problematic on Facebook — I still have pretty conflicted feelings about it, but my first reaction (people’s hair is their own business!!!!) was…kind of lacking in nuance.) I want people to be able to *have* discussions about oppression without giving up because they always get pounced on.

        8. Phoenix Programmer*

          I just want to push back on their that you could tell pochantas’ family had nibcinnectiin to the culture. Some very white passing folks are legally Cherokee – which I know from growing up next to the Eastern Band reservation.

          1. Aveline*

            Yep, but these people were not Cherokee or any other tribal affiliation. They admitted they had zero connection. They chose it for the Disney princess.Full stop. So there’s no “what if’s…” in this scenario.

            FWIW, I have close relatives I love who are enrolled Dine and I myself am eligible to join two other (different) tribal entities, but haven’t b/c I’m culturally white and there would be no benefit to them in my joining. (If it were a benefit to them, I’d join).

            So I know a bit about white-passing people who are still tribal. More than most.

            These people were not that. They were not even really appropriating. They were viewing a real person with a tragic backstory as a Disney princess. Nothing More. They were reducing and erasing the history of the woman who bore the name to a Disney trope.

            Had they had a connection or even named her in honor, it would have been different.

            Funny how none of these types of people ever dress their daughters as Sacagawea.

            1. theletter*

              sooooooo, I get that Disney is a corporation and they are rather reductive with their stories, but they do put a lot of effort into looking at their past portrayals of women, and tease out values and accomplishments of these characters. The characters that become ‘princesses’ become so because their movies did well, among other criteria.

              This means a lot of people saw Pocahontas, and appreciated that marketing, which . .. yeah, it’s not the best movie they’ve done, it’s very problematic. But there were people who loved it enough to name their daughter after that character, who is portrayed as a heroine, in a world where we are desperately short of heroines. For all the young women who ate this stuff up as children and bought “respect the Earth” as a part of their value system along with the offensive costumes, Pocahontas is not the villain here. Even before the movie came out, the reductive version of her story was in a lot of old textbooks, essentially becoming a ‘first American hero’ by virtue of occupying the opening chapters. Are we adding more value to these stories by sneering at those who would continue to hold her up as a woman who valued humanity over the death sentence?

              The point I’m trying to make is that a company that provides a lot of lore for our society is saying “We value this character, sticking her up there with the classics as a character of noted accomplishments” . . . . . . that might be worth respecting at least on a person-to-person level.

              1. Karyn*

                I’m not sure I agree with you, theletter. This take is erasing a lot of nasty stuff colonizers did to natives. It’s a whitewashing of history; it’s faking a Noble Savage story in the name of a real person who lived a tragic life. The tragedy was due to the actions of white folks, and the repackaging and selling of this new story is for the benefit of white folks.
                I’d call the kid Jennifer, or Ms. Fitzsimmons, or JP, before I’d call her Pocahontas.

                1. Sabina*

                  And how would you explain to a 4-year old that you refuse to call her the name her parents gave her and that she is known by in her family/preschool, etc.? I tend to err on the side of not making small children cry unless absolutely necessary.

            1. Aveline*

              Please read what I just wrote. I KNOW they had no connection.

              It wasn’t an assumption.

              Please don’t white knight on a subject where I actually have a lot of personal experience.

              While that may sometimes be the case, it wasn’t here. And I clearly stated that above.

              If I didn’t know 100% no connection, I would have said that.

              You may have grown up next to the band, but this is something I personally have experience with.

              Please don’t assume I don’t know.

              1. Phoenix Programmer*

                Aveline you should know this site doesn’t auto refresh. Your comment did not appear to me until after I posted my typo correction.

                1. Aveline*

                  Oh, sorry, I think our computers were bad today.

                  My sincere apologies.

                  I should not have assumed ill intent. It’s been really raw on here lately!

                  Again, my apologies.

                  I don’t think we really disagree on the underlying points and I dont’ want to derail, so I’ll leave it here.

                2. Phoenix Programmer*

                  No apologies needed. I was letting you know because if you engage here and don’t remember the lack of refresh it can be easy to take personally misunderstandings caused by tech.

                  Ask me how I know! I’ve been reading and commenting here for just shy of a decade so have spun my wheels on this many a times.

        9. Ace in the Hole*

          Well put. The only thing I would add is don’t make fun of name spelling either. I see a lot of people mocking names with unusual spelling, like Kristal.

          My name is a common, traditional English name spelled in an unusual way. I don’t expect people to spell it correctly, but I do expect them to take the correct spelling in stride. I’m really really not interested in a discussion about how unique it is, why my parents didn’t use the “normal” spelling, or how I’m ignorant and can’t spell my own name right. Bonus: I’m white and middle class. The mockery gets a lot worse if you’re poor and/or not white.

        10. AnnaBananaFofana*

          So you think it’s ok to refuse to call a “pasty white” girl (as you tastefully put it) Pocahontas, but it’s insensitive to refuse to call a minority by their uncommon name? I thought we agreed, the courteous thing to do is to address someone as they wish to be addressed.

          I am a racially mixed Latina, and I find your attitude utterly offensive. How hypocritical.

          1. Karyn*

            She’s of the culture being stolen. She knows the parents aren’t connected to the culture. This is a ‘play stupid games, win stupid prizes’ moment. They chose to be so disrespectful of Native culture, there’s gonna be some pushback.

            I hope that kid changes her name the second she’s allowed to.

            1. AnnaBananaFofana*

              Cultures can’t be “stolen.” And if someone names their white kid by any nonwhite name, I guess you’re going to have to deal with it. Push back all you want, but the name remains.

              New level of crazy, I’m out.

              1. Karyn*

                I disagree that cultures cannot be stolen. Tribal schools here, and in Canada, actively removed Native culture from young Natives. They explicitly attempted to ‘kill the Indian to save the man’. Land, artifacts, language, cultural markers of all kinds were taken from Natives–individually and tribally–and now white folks want to co-opt some of those markers.
                The name can remain, but I wouldn’t call a kid I know to have no Native heritage ‘Pocahontas’. I’ll settle on a nickname first.

            2. Artemesia*

              My daughter went to school with a girl whose family claimed to be actual descendants of Pochahontas and who named the oldest girl in each generation that. No idea if it is true or a family myth, but she was called ‘Hontas’ at school. I can think of quite a few ways to devote political energy to make this a better world that don’t involve denying a person their name.

              1. Halle*

                I presume it to be a family myth, since her real name wasn’t Pocahontas, and I would hope any of her descendants would be aware of that fact.

                Also, you’re deriding the ongoing systematic genocide and erasure of an entire people as “political energy”. It may not have been what you intended, but… it is cruel to do that.

              2. Cactus*

                There are a lot of Pocahontas’ descendants out there. Since she was married to an Englishman before her death, many of these descendants are people we would consider white, and their families go way back to before the founding of the US. There’s an organization called the First Families of Virginia, many of whom trace their roots to Pocahontas. When the one-drop rule against miscegenation went into effect in the 1920s, Virginia ruled that they would only judge people as Native American if they had more than 1/16 Native ancestry–due mainly to how many of their elite families traced some of their lineage to Pocahontas.

                So this kid’s family might have been related to Pocahontas–or it might have just been family legend. But at this point claiming her ancestry is just as much about claiming to be part of the “white elite” as it is claiming to be Native.

        11. DaniCalifornia*

          Isn’t it a bit hypocritical to not call someone by their given name because you think the parents are dumb. That is what OP1 is describing. If that girl is called Pocahontas her entire life and she asks you to call her that, you should respect that. Even if you roll your eyes when you’re at home alone.

          Also you state “Mocking names as weird or inferior is wrong. Dead wrong. It makes you look callous and juvenile at best and racist and judgmental at worst. It’s also culturally myopic in the extreme. What is “weird” to you is normal elsewhere” but you did just that when you keep on describing people as “pasty white Southerners” in several of your comments. Why can’t’ you just describe people as white?

          1. AnnaBananaFofana*

            Because, since they are privileged white people, common courtesy and respect aren’t deserved. No need to treat little white girls with decency, since they had evil ancestors.

            (I’m kidding. I can’t get over the shocking attitude of people who claim they want humans to treat each other better, but say stuff like this)

            1. Karyn*

              No, they deserve some disrespect because of their actions. That’s not particularly shocking.

              I’d treat the kid decently, but I wouldn’t call her Pocahontas.

              1. AnnaBananaFofana*

                They deserve disrespect because of some of their actions? What specific action does 5-year-old white Pocahontas take that you speak of?

                There is zero rationale for disrespecting someone based on their heritage. If you think so Karyn, you are the problem.

              2. Observer*

                That, by definition is treating the kid disrespectfully.

                And you lose any standing to objecting to other people doing the same thing.

                Same, by the way for using derogatory language about the kid for the crime of being white.

        12. Hrovitnir*

          Thank you for this comment, it’s really well written. This part actually made me emotional (I hope my tags work!):

          Don’t mock the names black America has chosen to adapt. Particularly those names borne out of oppression and a yearning for respect.

          Don’t deadname trans individuals.

          Don’t call women by their husband’s last name (0r entire name) unless you know they prefer to be addressed that way.

          If someone has a name that is “foreign” to you, make every effort to pronounce and spell it properly. Even if you aren’t 100% successful, even if it’s embarrassing to you, even if it makes you feel uncomfortable.

          Don’t use nicknames, diminutives, or terms of affection unless you know the person wants it and welcomes it. Don’t just assume you “know.” You have to ask and listen.

      5. Roscoe*

        I think that is a bit harsh. I’m black. I know PLENTY of black people who joke about what other black people name their kids. I don’t think that makes them all racist, just acknowledging that some names are, in your opinion, a bit much. My mom is one of the most pr0-black people I know, and even she does it.

        1. Aveline*

          Well, that’s one of those things that people within the culture get to joke about in private or within their own cultural spheres.

          The OP is not within the culture. She’s an outsider. (That’s inferred by how she writes and what she says, but I’d be shocked if she were a black woman or even a WOC).
          She’s also not talking about joking in private. She’s proffering a public mocking of the names.

          That’s apples and oranges.

          And it will blow up in her face big time.

          We are not doing her any service by failing to point that out.

          I understand your post, but it’s minimizing what will be a real landline if OP doesn’t hear the potential implications.

          It doesn’t mattter at all if OP is racist or if any and all criticisms of names are racist. It matters that she will be perceived as racist if she follows her proposed course of action.

          And she will be perceived as racist. Her intent or the fact that Princess’s cousin Jane mocks her behind her back don’t matter.

          1. Roscoe*

            So, I actually agree with you to a point. I think Allison’s advice to her is spot on. You should respect someone’s name and call them whatever they want to be called. However, I guess my point is, I know plenty of people who have made fun of names and its not necessarily a “racist” thing. My point is, I made fun of Gwyneth Paltrow naming her kid Apple, just like I made fun of Kanye West naming his kid North. But I do agree that she shouldn’t mock her co-workers names in public

        2. Nephron*

          My mom kept her maiden name and kids got hyphenated names with first names long enough to “balance” the long last name. Substitute teachers would stop dead when they reached my name for attendance and the entire class snickered because we all knew what happened. Among family and friends there are many jokes made about long names, how we know we are family, and I generally accept any nickname given to accommodate those that are trying. A nice ice breaker for me is about the time an email scam try to get me to wire money because “someone with my name died in Nigeria.” This is different than a comedian I stumbled upon once that was driven to profanity complaining about hyphenated names because “pick a name lady” or the airlines that do not accept special characters so my ticket has to be different from my government issued ID ( a lovely experience with TSA).

          1. Blueberry*

            I hyphenated my last name when I got married. At the social security office, the guy handling my paperwork said, “Do you really want that little dash thingy in there?” And I said, “Yes.” And he said, “I don’t think the system can handle it…” And I just stared at him. I’m pretty sure the system can handle a friggin’ hyphen, my dude, you just think it’s silly that I’m hyphenating my name.

            Going to vote is always a lot of fun because people have no idea what letter my last name should be under. How about the first letter of the last name, why is that so difficult?

            1. NotAnotherManager!*

              The social security office was pretty much the ONLY place that didn’t do something weird with my hyphenated name. The “other names” section of my credit report is hilarious.

            2. ChimericalOne*

              Some old systems actually CAN’T handle hyphens, so he’s not necessarily off base to imagine that. When I got married in Arkansas, I was told (apologetically) that the computer system in the SS building couldn’t handle hyphens and that they’d have to either use a space or jam the two names together. I chose a space. (As did my husband.)

              My mom works in a hospital and sighs a little every time she comes across someone with an apostrophe in their name because their computer system can’t handle that (programmed by old white guys, I’m guessing).

              Also… while I likewise find it a little exasperating that people don’t know whether to look for me under X or Y, I’m guessing they’re probably just stumbling over the question of whether you (we) have 1 or 2 last names. They don’t see Xxx-Yyyy as one name — they see 2 names combined with a hyphen, and they think they should choose the “very last” last name as being the “proper” surname.

            3. katherine*

              I imagine you’ve seen this but for those who haven’t, this was a major scandal in the last Georgia election — a new “exact match” law required that the names on residents’ government IDs matched exactly the names on the voter rolls. Something like an omitted “little dash thingy”? No longer an exact match, and the voting process becomes more arduous for you, as well as over 50,000 others whose registration applications were placed on hold because of it. About 80% of those applications were for African American, Latino, and Asian American voters, according to the lawsuit that was filed over this.

          2. Cactus*

            I have an apostrophe in my last name (thanks to my husband) and so many computer systems cannot handle it. It’s one of the reasons why I didn’t hyphenate when we got married, and instead just went with a space between my last name and his–having multiple punctuation marks would have confused EVERYONE.

      6. Mynona*

        I am an American and I assumed the OP is not because I’ve heard this kind of sentiment openly expressed by educated white Europeans in Europe without any awareness of the racist implications. And AAM has alot of international readers. But if OP is American, then yes most Americans would think the sentiment was racist.

        2. Bennett*

          I’m from the UK, and have never encountered anyone with those names. Though I do know one woman (thirtysomething, blonde, white) who calls herself ‘Princess’ as a sort of secondary name, though her name is something else. She’s never actually asked anyone else to call her that, I think she’s just sort of hoping it’ll catch on. It probably won’t.

          I’d be a little uncomfortable using those names, I think. But if it’s someone’s name, it’s their name. I don’t think we get to opt out.

          1. BluntBunny*

            I’m from the UK also and had someone named Precious at my high school. She was mixed race (black and white)

      7. Jen*

        To be clear, racism isn’t an either or thing. The action or sentiment here being racist itself doesn’t mean OP is someone who would, say, refuse to hire someone based on race. OP may not even be conscious of the racial component of this action, though it does exist. I doubt there is a single person here who, existing in a society as we do, does not themselves exhibit some kind of racist behavior. For instance, when I was a kid, one Halloween I dressed up as an “Indian”. My parents and I definitely weren’t trying to be mean or insensitive, but knowing what I know now, that action was racist and I would definitely not do it again.

        Because people sometimes view racism as a binary “I am not a bad racist person” people can shut down mentally when called out on this.

        But we should all instead understand that, when called out on racist action, this is an opening to correct behaviors we have been fed, and improve ourselves and society.

        1. Nah*

          I would disagree here; OP obviously does not respect those who have these names, and is suggesting open mocking of their names. There’s no way they’d get hired if OP was the hiring manager.

          1. ChimericalOne*

            OP explicitly acknowledges that the persons in question did not choose their own names and that their names thus reflect in no way on them as people. If OP didn’t actually respect them, if OP didn’t actually care about treating them well, OP wouldn’t have bothered writing in to AAM to ask what to do to not be rude.

      9. Observer*

        Does it really matter?

        The attitude of the letter is fundamentally disrespectful. It doesn’t matter why the OP is being so disrespectful. It is just fundamentally wrong.

    10. Seeking Second Childhood*

      For what its worth, I used to work for a white guy named King. A lot of Southerners use last names for children’s given names.

      1. Eliza*

        It’s not unheard of in the rest of the US, either, especially historically. The founder of the Gillette razor company was named King Camp Gillette and born in Wisconsin.

      2. PhyllisB*

        There was a letter from a reader several years ago who went by King. (I think this person was female?) One of the office workers refused to address her as such because “there is only one King” (Lord and Savior.) Now I am Christian and all that, but to me THAT was ridiculous. (Her refusing to use the name, not the name itself.) As has been stated, no one has the right to decide your name is inappropriate and call you something else.

      3. Aveline*

        There are a lot of noteworthy Americans with objectively unsususal names by our cultural standards.

        Judge Learned Hand
        Dankwort Rustow

        Both, um, not typical names. Both men made a real impact on our country and on the world.

        Maybe Princess Johnson would be equally as important if we just got out of her way and stopped judging.

        1. Meghan*

          Hilariously, the reason I knew this was because Martha Kent was Martha Clark before she married Jonathan.

        3. Liz T*

          I often wish my parents had done this! Almost changed my first name to Quinn in college.

          (My mom kept her last name, but my sister and I have our dad’s last name. I love my last name and would never change it, but “Quinn” is a boss first name.)

    11. Femme D'Afrique*

      I think OP1 should think this through a little bit (I’m going to be extra generous here): If she *does* go through with the “call me Empress Sweetie Boo or something equally ridiculous,” how is she expecting the other person to respond? Does she think they’ll have a lightbulb moment and think, “You’re right! My name is stupid! Call me Jane!”

      This is one of those letters where I wondered what she thought Alison’s advice would be.

      2. Czhorat*

        Bias is one heck of a drug.

        From the comment that “I feel bad because they didn’t choose their names” it appears to me that OP thinks that the co-workers think the same and dislike having “unusual” names.

      3. aebhel*

        I think it’s one of those ‘oh no this is a terribly awkward situation I’ll make a joke to defuse the tension’ kind of deals. Thing is, OP is likely the only one experiencing it as a terribly awkward situation. She’s assuming that her coworkers must be embarrassed by their names, when that’s unlikely to actually be the case–if they were, they’d be using nicknames.

      4. Liet-Kinda*

        I think she’s hoping the target will burst into peals of self-deprecating laughter as they revel in the now-shared recognition of the name’s notional ridiculousness, thereby relieving her of the discomfort of being the only one who wants to laugh at it and making her feel like less of a bad person.

      5. chi type*

        I, too, question OP’s sincerity since you really don’t need to avoid speaking to people because you don’t like saying their name. You actually very very rarely need to say someone’s name in conversation with them! I know this because I spend all day talking to people who I have no idea what there names are. Often the same person multiple days a week for years! This is not difficult just say “hi how are you today?” and take it from there. O_O

        1. Akcipitrokulo*

          So… for various reasons, my mother doesn’t get the title “mum”, “mummy” or anything similar because she doesn’t deserve them… but it would be rude/awkward to call her by anything else… so for 30+ years I’ve manages with pronoins only around her…

          Not ideal, and the co-workers absolutely deserve the basic, foundation level respect of using their names… but you also don’t get to avoid the peraon either!!!

    12. Anon for this*

      I volunteer as a princess for sick children, and I absolutely LOVE it when kids are named King or Princess. The other princesses and I call children “prince” or “princess” anyway, so when something similar is their actual name, we go NUTS with enthusiasm and the kids are so happy.

      1. Hmmm*

        This sounds amazing and I want to do this! Did you set it up yourself, or is there a group one could join?

        1. Anon for this*

          It’s through an organization in Florida! Link is in my username. :) They love new volunteers! If you’re not local, they encourage long-term visitors.

          I’m an original character princess, but if you have a Disney-ish look and a decent costume, you can do it in most hospitals anywhere. Generally you would offer an appearance as “Rose Princess” or “New Orleans Princess” to avoid legal issues, but once you’re actually in the hospital the kids would call you Belle or Tiana and Disney doesn’t go after it too hard.

    13. Ryan*

      This!!! Cultures and traditions are not up for interpretation by those that are not a part of it, but they are open to acceptance by everyone even if it’s not understood!

    14. wittyrepartee*

      Also, all of these names are kind of lovely when you think about it. The nobility of King and Princess. The sweetness of the name Honey.

    15. kittymommy*

      This actually reminds me of a letter last year where LW wanted the colleague to change her name plate from her actual name to a nickname because it embarrassed the LW (the name was of Asian descent and sounded improper in the English language). You don’t get to dictate other people’s names!! How is that confusing.

    16. Justin*

      Yeah Alison made the relevant point that thinking these names are silly but not, I dunno, Abcde is… well…. it’s not a good look.

      1. Jules the 3rd*

        If it’s pronounceable, and not ‘Bobby /DropTables,’ or something referring to a crime that harms people (eg, Adolf Hitler Jones, referral to genocide), it’s fine by me. Abcde is ‘Ah-be-cee-dee’, no longer than ‘Penelope’, and has an anglicized nickname (Abby) built in if the kid wants it later.

        While society has some right to limits on names, I prefer those limits to be very generous. If everyone did that, there’s be less of the racist hiring problems we see in the US, where people with non-English names get fewer call-backs and interviews for the same resumes.

        If we were all the same, life would be boring. Enjoy the rich pageantry.

        1. The Original K.*

          In the story that recently went viral about the TSA people who made fun of a child with the name Abcde, I believe the mother said it was pronounced “AB-city.”

        2. PSB*

          Even if it IS something that refers to a crime you still mostly have to just adapt. I once had a distant professional connection to someone whose last name was Raper. He had a common first name, so we frequently had to use his full name to refer to him around the office for clarity’s sake. I cringed every time for the first year and never became comfortable with it, but it was the guy’s name.

          To make matters worse, he worked in a correctional facility.

          1. Vicky Austin*

            Well, to be fair, people who commit rape aren’t called rapers. They are called rapists. I can still see how that would be awkward, especially if he worked in a correctional facility.

      2. Observer*

        That’s on the parents. You still don’t get to tell someone that they can’t use their name. As for the gate agent? They deserved to be fired.

        That said, I *am* side eyeing the parents pretty hard.

        1. Justin*

          Yes, basically this.

          I wasn’t saying to make fun of that poor girl, just that if OP1 is saying these names are silly but that one isn’t, there’s a bias at play here (point being, not to see any name as beneath us).

    17. Joe in Frederick*

      #1 – Saul, the progressive voice of the My-T-Sharp Barber Shop in Coming to America said it best: “A man has the right to change his name to whatever he wants to change it to. And if a man wants to be called Muhammad Ali, godammit this is a free country, you should respect his wishes, and call the man Muhammad Ali!”

      1. ThisIshRightHere*

        I absolutely read that in his voice. Coming to America is the only movie that I can literally quote word for word.

    18. NotTheSameAaron*

      I would be uncomfortable using those names because those are also common pet names.

      Maybe they have middle names that could be used instead?

      1. Nanani*

        Your discomfort doesn’t matter. Maybe your name is a pet name in another language – it’s still your name. Same applies.

        Call people by their names.

      2. aebhel*

        Maybe they do, but if they want to be called by their first names, you call them by their first names.

      3. neverjaunty*

        “Could be used” is an interesting use of the passive to avoid saying “Maybe they could let me call them something else?”

      4. Liane*

        So, you’d be totally okay if I don’t want to use your name because I think:
        Your parents misspelled it
        It means (Something good) and you aren’t
        It is too long/short
        Names starting with L are anti-My Religion
        It is the name of my high school’s rival and reminds me they won the championship when I was captain

        1. krysb*

          I have a dog named Gregory.

          After Dr. Gregory House, M.D. because they both have gimpy right legs.

        3. Liz T*

          My parents have a dog named Jasper. A friend, who has met said dog, just named her baby Jasper. When I met (human) Jasper, my friend told me he was named after the dog, and I wasn’t sure she was joking. He’s a really great dog, after all.

          1. Joielle*

            My dog is named Jasper! No joke, my husband and I have a long-running list of potential baby names just in case we have a kid someday, and when we adopted the dog, we looked at that list and picked out one that seemed a liiiiiiittle too twee to name an actual human child. Of course, I don’t tell that story to most people since you never know whose dad/kid/uncle/best friend has the name.

          2. Tiny Soprano*

            Omg my first dog was called Jasper! But I’ve since heard more people than dogs called Jasper, and it never strikes me as weird. Maybe because I like human names for pets?

        4. AvonLady Barksdale*

          Number 1, hands down, favorite dog name I have ever encountered is Rachel. She’s a dachshund. And her name is RACHEL. I love it so much.

      6. Liet-Kinda*

        If they actually wanted their middle names to be used, they’d have introduced themselves as such, but what really strikes me as fascinating about this post is the inherent assumption that it’s your discomfort that should be centered and assuaged in this situation – not the person who would be made uncomfortable if you suggested their preferred and given name were unacceptable to you and proposed using their middle name for your comfort.

      8. Observer*

        Why should they change their name to suit you? What makes you the arbiter of what is “proper”?

      9. Kaybee*

        But do you feel that way when you interact with people named Toby, Jack, Cooper, Duke, Max, Sadie, and Lucy? Everyone’s mileage varies of course, but I’ve met way more pets with those names than I have pets named Princess, King, or Honey.

        1. The Original K.*

          Literally all the pets that belong to people I know personally have people names (as opposed to, like, Spot or or Champ), and among those there are two Lucys and two Maxes.

      11. SheLooksFamiliar*

        NotTheSameAaron, I don’t mean to be unkind but your comfort is irrelevant here. If someone tells you their name is Snowball or Fluffy or Spot or Bootsie or Sparkles or Precious Widdle Diddums, you can roll your eyes in private – but you use the name they provided, and you do so respectfully.

        Also, I knew a great German Shepherd named George, so George is a pet’s name to me.

        1. NotTheSameAaron*

          I was just trying to suggest a middle ground. I thought that people would get my point, that some people initalize their first name and use the middle name, especially in a professional setting. I wasn’t suggesting that I would deliberately give offence to anyone.

        2. PhyllisB*

          My dog’s name is George. He was named that when we adopted him, and several people asked me if I was going to change it, but I liked it. Besides, he was a year old and I would think it would be confusing.

          1. Cactus*

            I love the name George, and I’m not planning on having kids, so I will more than likely be naming a pet George at some point in the future.

      12. Maggie*

        My name is also commonly a name given to pets. I’ve met MANY people with dogs named Maggie. I would be irate if someone asked me to go by a nickname because that is their dogs name. This situation is absolutely no different.

        1. Maggie #2*

          Other Maggie here! Not to derail, but isn’t it funny that it’s such a common dog name? (My mom always says it’s for people who wanted to name their kids Maggie but weren’t brave enough, whatever that means).

          1. Original Maggie*

            Yes! I even had relatives with dogs named Maggie. Everyone either has, had or knows a dog named Maggie. It doesn’t bother me, but it is super common.

        2. KTB*

          At my last job, a colleague joked that since she and my dog shared a name, I had to change my dog’s name. Which of course I didn’t do, but it was a vastly more appropriate joke than if I told her she needed to change her name!!

      14. BluntBunny*

        I think you and the LW mean awkward rather than uncomfortable. Uncomfortable suggests that someone or something is causing you to feel discomfort. Whereas awkwardness is often just an individual internal response. I would understand if LW felt uncomfortable calling someone what felt like a vulgar term in their language or was offensive in some other way eg Adolf

        1. ChimericalOne*

          There’s nothing wrong with “uncomfortable” here. Something *is* causing OP to feel discomfort. That something is a combination of things (the names themselves, OP’s lack of knowledge of the context around their origins, OP’s socialization / lack thereof, lack of diverse cultural competence, etc.).

          “Uncomfortable” doesn’t imply fault, vulgarity, or offensiveness. And something can cause you discomfort without that thing itself being bad. For example, I can be “uncomfortable” calling my MIL “Mom” without it either being her fault or a vulgar/offensive term. (Maybe it’s just a personal hangup on my part, etc.)

      15. Sabina*

        Yeah, no. How would you even approach doing this? “Hey, what’s your middle name ’cause I’m not comfortable calling you “Bob” ’cause I had a dog named “Bob” and he used to pee on the rug and then ran away and got hit by a car”.

      16. Hrovitnir*

        I’m not sure why everyone’s being so harsh today! I agree, use their name, but where “pet name” means the name you will call someone you’re very close to – and thus is commonly used by boundary pushers and creeps – it has potential to be genuinely awkward.

        As I said, I absolutely agree that you just need to suck it up, and you’ll get over it. But calling someone “Honey” does feel a bit harass-y, can be perceived that way if people don’t know, and will take extra getting used to over the likes of King.

    19. Nanani*

      This.

      Use. People’s. Names. This is not hard; your discomfort is NOT more important then respecting them as fellow human beings.

      Would you write the same letter about “discomfort” if the names were from another culture than yours but DIDN’T sound like English words? It shouldn’t be difficult to grasp the problem with refusing to call someone by their name because it sounds “foreign”, so surely you can grasp the problem with refusing to call someone by their name in this situation as well.

      1. Czhorat*

        Yes. And by “names”, we should mean “what they tell us to call them”, whether or not it’s the exact words on their birth certificate or drivers’ license.

        Ones name is a fundamental descriptor of ones identity. It’s everyone’s right to define that for themselves, and our responsibility to accept and respect it.

        This should not be at all controversial.

        1. Database Developer Dude*

          Should not be at all controversial, but it is. Case in point: my family. That’s one of the reasons I live 500 miles away from them.

      2. CommanderBanana*

        Seriously, and also, if someone is THIS uncomfortable because someone else’s name happens to be King or whatever, I kind of wonder how they get through life.

    20. Sally*

      A few years back, I worked with a (white) woman called Sunshine. At first I was like, “huh…” But then as I got to know her, I grew to love her name! I mean, who wouldn’t want to hang out with Sunshine?! She matched her name perfectly. :)

    21. t.i.a.s.p.*

      I actually didn’t know some of this stuff about names, so this is interesting.

      I relate to the awkward feeling because I used to get that when girls were named boy names and vice versa, because it used to be that THESE NAMES ARE FOR BOYS and THESE NAMES ARE FOR GIRLS. But you live, learn and grow. I distinctly remember the time I had to speak to an older guy who had what I thought of as a girl’s name and having a moment of huh, I guess names do change genders and that’s normal.

    22. beepboopin*

      Years ago when I was training as a Guardian ad litem, we were told that it was crucial to make sure we knew how to correctly say our client’s (children’s) names. The reasoning they gave “because sometimes their name is all they may have.” I know a different situation but a powerful reminder of how important names are and calling someone by their correct name as a way to confer respect, no matter their position in life. That advice has always stuck with me as I meet new (and diverse) people with names that are different than what I am used to.

    23. AshK413*

      Absolutely, agree with you!

      Although I’m sure it’s unintentional, I read the first letter as being a bit racist (because these names are associated primarily with the black community) . I wanted to call that out in particular because I’m sure the OP wouldn’t want to come across that way.

    24. Essess*

      Do you avoid using the name “John” because it is a word for a toilet, or if a coworker’s name was “Dick” (whether his preferred nickname for Richard or legally named the short version), or “Pat” because it involves a word for touching, or “Sue” because it also means a vindictive court case, “Willie”, etc….? Many names that we consider “normal” also have other language meanings but no one usually even thinks to pause over saying them because they are JUST NAMES to them. As other people have said, use the person’t actual name and treat it as their name instead of focusing on alternative meanings. Practice at home saying them out loud while think of the person if you need to get comfortable using the name in normal conversation without tripping on it.

    25. Ann Perkins*

      I had a colleague who would just straight up refuse to say any name that she perceived as “foreign.” She’d say, “I can’t pronounce that,” to names like “Chavez” and “Santiago.” When she was forced, she’d struggle and giggle her way through it. It was so embarrassing and disrespectful.

    26. Curiouser and Curiouser*

      My first name is difficult to pronounce – there’s more than one pronunciation, and people usually default to one different from my actual name. I politely correct them when it happens, and usually give them a rhyme to jog peoples’ memories. Most people are polite, but you wouldn’t believe the other responses I’ve gotten…

      “But [mispronounced name] is so much prettier.” (Thanks, I like the name “Julie” but it’s also not my name.)
      “Oh it’s just my accent.” (There’s no accent that comes into play here, and generally the people saying this don’t have an accent).
      “So sorry! You’re going to have to remind me of that every time, probably.” (But…why? I reminded you now)
      “Oh, man, it must suck that your parents named you something so difficult!” (My name is 4 letters. It’s not that difficult)

      And I don’t even have the added racial piece that’s in play with OP. It sucks to have your name insulted or diminished. I don’t care if you don’t like my name. It’s mine. Don’t be that person.

    27. LCH*

      i had an intern with the given first name Baby but luckily she went by a shortened form of her middle name. going through life as a ‘baby’ isn’t as dignified as Princess, King, etc. buuut i guess i would have called her Baby if that is what she used.

    28. MystikSpiral*

      I worked with a woman named Princess about 20 years ago, when I was pretty new to the working world. In my naiveté, I thought it really odd and felt weird using that name. But Alison is correct, once you start using it it becomes just another name.

      I’m sure there are plenty of people who think Bob is a strange thing to call someone.

    29. Barney Stinson*

      Um, I work with people named “Princess” and “King” and they are not people of color. I still call them the names that are given to me to use.

    30. Lynn Marie*

      OP is not “mock(ing) them by making up our own exaggerated names to mimic theirs, nor s . . . refus(ing) to use their names”. She is acknowledging her own problem and asking for help.

    31. BaronessGodivaDelicousVonPants*

      It is surprising the amount of people you are already referring to as King or Princess.

      From Gaia’s examples
      Jane: Gift from God (Hebrew)
      Sarah: Means lady, princess, noblewoman (Hebrew)
      Raj: Means Royalty (Indian)
      Chen: Old (Mandarin surname)
      Karl: Manly (Danish)

      Others
      Leroy: The King (French)
      Frederick: A peaceful Ruler or King (German)
      Harry:House Ruler (English)
      Regis: Ruler (Latin)
      Erica: Eternal Ruler
      Candace: Queen Mother

    32. epi*

      This is really good advice. Lots has been said in this thread about this topic, but I wanted to add one thing I didn’t see addressed too much, which is *how* to better handle the discomfort. The OP knows her instinctive response isn’t appropriate, so I read her as not wanting to know what to do instead, so much as how to rise above those impulses.

      I used to work in research in a children’s hospital, so I was seeing names that were new, unusual, or “weird baby name” list fodder pretty regularly. Then meeting those children and their parents, during their day at the hospital. Usually to be treated for either a brain tumor or a congenital heart disease. Let me tell you, there is nothing funny about a name like Miracle, Princess, or Precious on a child when you and their parents know they are lucky to be alive. I never had a real problem with these names to begin with, but that experience forever changed my perception of these names to something that is overwhelmingly loving and positive, that always warms my heart.

      Health care isn’t just diverse in terms of workforce– it’s even more diverse in terms of the patients and clients you will serve. I’m guessing that the OP is not dealing with patients by mocking them or just not seeing them if she doesn’t like their names. She needs to think about how she manages to do that, and try to translate those strategies to her colleagues. For example, are there values that guide the OP in her daily work, or her decision to be a health care provider, that could apply more broadly to everyone? While we have special obligations to our patients, the values on which those obligations are based are usually more universal. Examples might be the need to treat others with respect, to care for others, to soothe or guide someone going through something stressful, or to help others live up to their potential by removing obstacles in their lives. How does the OP speak to patients when she has to do something she knows might be uncomfortable or annoying? That tone, those phrases, might be good ones to adapt when the OP wants to convey that she knows she is not quite being natural about this, but wants to do better. (And in both situations, the only acceptable humor is self-deprecating humor! It is also more than OK to just not use humor at all.)

      Another thing that helped me in health care, when you often need to put aside strong feelings to do your job, is to consciously work on changing how you think about a person or situation. What if the OP tried taking these names at face value when she notices herself thinking negatively about them? Interrupt that thought process once you notice it, and sub in the positive judgment that is implied by the plain meaning of the name. I would often get excited to meet these amazing children who inspired such lofty, beautiful names. Who doesn’t want to meet a princess, a king, or a miracle? Or to get to deal with parents whose first act was one of such love, protection, and dignity for their child.

      The OP might also want to read more general advice on how to break bad habits and build good ones, and how to manage or tolerate strong emotions to avoid acting impulsively. These reactions to unusual names are habits of mind that can be changed, if the OP wants to.

      1. EventPlannerGal*

        “Who doesn’t want to meet a princess, a king, or a miracle? Or to get to deal with parents whose first act was one of such love, protection, and dignity for their child.”

        I love this. This is a really thoughtful, lovely response.

      3. Former Employee*

        What a beautiful post and I believe it gives the OP an entirely new and thoughtful perspective on the situation.

        I wouldn’t be surprised if it turned out that some of these parents had planned to name their baby something more traditional such as Robert or Jane until the baby was born with a life threatening medical condition, which made them feel that a more appropriate name for this particular child would be something like “Miracle”.

    33. Reluctant Manager*

      1. I think this was in Freakonomics (which had a chapter on name trends): Father decided to be cute and name his first son Winner; later he named another son Loser. Did it affect them? IIRC, Winner went to prison and “Lou” became a cop.

      2. A political candidate had some ads a few years back. She explained that she was a serious person with lots of accomplishments unrelated to the fact that her father, Mr. Ball, thought it would be great to name his daughter Krystal. (Don’t know if she won.)

    1. Princess Cimorene*

      This spot on advice is why I am always so enthusiastic to recommend Alison’s blog to people. I know even when I haven’t been here for a while because of life’s whatevers, that I can trust her sound judgment, her respect of others, and her honesty.

    2. Blue Cup*

      Its very good advice but I remember learning this in my first job at a grocery store at 15. My Co-workers name was Jesus and being 15 I thought that was so funny for that to be on his name tag and sadly called him Jesus the first time I talked to him as in same name as Christ the Lord. He quickly corrected me and let me know to pronounce it Hey-Seuss. We have heard of celebrities naming their kids very different names for years Satchel, Apple, and pilot inspector, which is what I was looking for OP to say an different name was not Queen, Princess, or Prince because Prince has been around for a while. So even living in an all white bubble if OP has internet access or TV names different than hers should not be that odd. It just seems odd that OP has had several jobs and hasn’t learned this.

      2. Hey Karma, Over Here*

        I thought the letter was going to be about names of foreign employees that sound well, obscene in English, or could appear obscene phonetically.

        1. sheworkshardforthemoney*

          I work with international students, one name was Fart, yes, pronounced that way even though it wasn’t spelled that way. No one ever mocked him.

          1. Gabriela*

            I work on a very diverse college campus with a large international student group as well. I’ve never heard students make fun of each others’ names (and I am not in a particularly liberal part of the country). There have been names that have creative spellings that I have rolled my eyes at before (not anymore!), but seeing that the students accept each other’s different “weird” names without exception highlighted some of my own inherent bias. OP, I’m glad you wrote in and I hope you are addressing your own bias.

        2. Joielle*

          I went to college with a guy whose last name was Cooch. Professors were always a little weird about saying it, but he always seemed to get called on less in Socratic-style lectures, so I guess it worked out for him?

      3. hbc*

        If it makes you feel better, it wasn’t an off-the-wall wrong pronunciation. I remember a teacher not known for patience or tolerance doing attendance on the first day of school resulting in:
        Teacher: “Jeezus? There’s someone here called Jeezus?”
        Jesus: “Um, it’s HaySeuss.”
        Teacher: “But it says Jeezus. J-E-S-U-S.”
        Jesus: “…My family says it HaySeuss.”
        Teacher: gives some major side-eye, continues on, then later: “Jee…I mean, HaySeuss.”
        Jesus 2, in the quietest voice possible: “Um, actually, it’s Jeezus.”
        Teacher: head explodes

        1. Hobbert*

          I work with a Jorge in an area with a large Hispanic population. I only see him a couple times a year but I cannot keep it in my head that he prefers “George”, not “Hor-Hay”…I try to just think of him as George, not Jorge.

          1. Bennett*

            Aaand that was literally the first time I’ve realised that Jorge is not pronounced George.

            Give me a break, I’m a Brit, I’ve only ever seen it written down…

            1. EvilQueenRegina*

              I think I first learned that after hearing the actor Jorge Garcia on a DVD commentary in the extras on my Lost box set (fellow Brit who had also only ever seen it written down).

          2. Teapot Tester*

            My son played soccer with a Joaquin*. He had only heard the name and never seen it written, so one day he was looking at the roster and said, “who’s Joa-quin?” When I said that’s how you spell Joaquin he was shocked.

            *and yes I realize the humor here with Wakeen a common pseudonym on AMA

            1. Hobbert*

              We hired a Joaquin and, before I met him, I mentally said his name as “Joa-kwin”! One of those names that I’ve seen written but never pronounced. We also have a Joachim but he goes by Joe so I have no idea how to say his name. I like interesting names, though. Wouldn’t life be boring if we were all Jane and Johns?

          3. Alli525*

            I have a friend who dated a “George” Jorge, then a year or so later dated a “Hor-hay” Jorge. THAT was confusing.

          4. JB*

            The first time I encountered this was during a military exercise. I ran into someone whose name was “Jorge” and I thought it was incorrect because the guy’s name was clearly “Horhay.” I made a big deal about the ‘mistake.’ In front of a dozen people. All of whom knew perfectly well how Jorge is pronounced.

      4. Dragoning*

        When I was in high school, a kid I assumed was white introduced himself as Tomas (To-MAS, the Spanish pronunciation), and I kinda laughed it off and assumed he was being a pretentious high school boy and asked “Do you mean ‘Thomas’ ” and he shut me down hard.

        Turns out, his legal name actually WAS Thomas, but Tomas was what his beloved, dead Spanish grandmother called him. YIKES.

    3. Beancounter*

      I had no idea that’s why some in the black community give those names to children (or use titles as nicknames). I worked with a woman who went by Queen. I had no idea it was to garner respect. Knowing that now, I can see how she worked hard to prove herself to others. I will keep this in mind. Thanks for the lesson Alison.

    4. KAW*

      Agreed. I’m a teacher, and have had kids in my class named:
      Queenie
      Princess
      Princesstiffany (all one word, do not call her just princess or just Tiffany)
      Commander
      Sir
      Heavenly
      West (long before North West!)

      …and a whole other host of names I find interesting. It’s absolutely on me to use their accurate names, as they deserve that basic respect. They might find OP’s name weird. Oh well.

      1. JB*

        Good luck. I don’t know that I could say “Princesstiffany” with a straight face. She would very quickly become “Ms. Smith”

  4. Avid reader infrequent commenter*

    OP 5 here – Thank you for answering my question. That makes total sense, so I’ll just set it aside for jobs that explicitly ask for it. I actually stumbled upon a job in academia just today that requires 3 letters of recommendation, so at least it’ll come in handy there!

    1. Fizzchick*

      Although even then I would be careful – academia often expects the letters to be confidential, and the recommenders submit their letters separately (or that you use a service like Interfolio, who basically holds the letters until you tell the company where to send them). This doesn’t mean that the letters are confidential, but it does mean that in certain corners of academia, you will be frowned at if you upload all your own letters.

      1. Avid reader infrequent commenter*

        Ahh, I had no idea, so thank you for that tip. I’ll definjtely take a close look at the posting to see what they expect.

      2. Smarty Boots*

        Correct, or your grad school will have its own service for letters of recommendation. Very handy to use these services, btw, because people retire, become unable to write a letter, pass away…

    2. FabTag*

      I DO recommend including a reference letter if it is spectacular. I have been involved in hiring several hundred people over the past three decades and found an excellent reference letter can help your application stand out from the crowd, especially if it’s a position attracting many applicants.

      1. Avid reader infrequent commenter*

        Can I ask how they submitted it to you? Was it simply included with all the other materials, did they mention it in the cover letter…?

      2. BRR*

        Do people just send it in with their cover letter and resume? Ive never had it happen but I think I’d be turned off if someone included one. At the very least I’d be indifferent if I didn’t ask for one.

      3. EPLawyer*

        How can a generic recommendation letter really help? It is not like the letter is tailored to the person’s skills relating to the job they are applying for. Sure they might have been awesome at their previous job and everyone loved them, but does that transfer to the job for which the person is looking to hire?

        As Alison said, hiring folks have the questions specific to the job they want to ask. A generic recommendation that can go with any application can’t help that. Just like a generic cover letter doesn’t help.

        1. Michaela Westen*

          I had a recommendation letter that talked about my skill with detail work and gifts with research and analysis, and it definitely helped!

      4. Rusty Shackelford*

        We actually chose to interview (and eventually hired) a candidate whose skill set was marginal, but she enclosed a cover letter from a known entity raving about her skills, her attitude, and her ability to pick up anything. So yes, there’s a possibility it can weigh in your favor if it’s truly outstanding. (She was a good hire, too!)

    3. MusicWithRocksInIt*

      Back when I was beginning my career, coming out of a PR internship (a.k.a the bad place) I had a portfolio of some projects and articles I had worked on which I included several letters of recommendation in. I know that it impressed the boss enough to get me my first job, but I also know he was super old fashioned and when that company closed down he gave me a letter of recommendation to use instead of letting me use him as a reference, and it was not at all helpful while looking for my next job. At that point I was no longer using the portfolio because I wasn’t doing that type of work anymore and had no place to put it, and no one who asked for it. He also made me write most of the thing myself, which at that point in my life was one of the most awkward things I had ever done.

    4. SheLooksFamiliar*

      Hi, OP – I think LOR are more impressive in some fields (academia) than others (corporate America), so know your audience! After 30+ years in corporate staffing, I can tell you a LOR won’t help much. I don’t know who wrote it (too many self-written letters to count), it’s usually too generic to be helpful, and it’s quite often used in hopes I will forget the candidate is not a good fit in part or whole.

      But it sounds like you’re set if the employer asks for one. Good luck to you, please keep us posted!

      1. Avid reader infrequent commenter*

        That’s what I’m learning from this question, so I’m glad I asked, and I’m so glad to have extra input from others! It’s true, so far the only posting I’ve come across that asks for LORs is a position (admin) at a university.

        Thank you! It’s a huge change. I love my job here and what I do, but I can’t imagine not following my family to this new home. To make it extra challenging, my industry has an extremely limited foot print in my new home, so the chances of me carrying on in the industry I love and have thrived in are pretty much zero at this point. I’m trying to stay positive and look at this as an exciting new challenge, however.

        1. SheLooksFamiliar*

          I hear you! Changing your location AND your industry can be challenging, but I bet you have a lot more to offer your next employer than you might think. Your previous successes are due to your skills and personal traits, and employers will appreciate hearing about your transferable experience. And if your boss is willing to be a reference (in addition to the letter!), you have a lot going for you. Please update Alison when you land, you know how we love success stories here!

    5. Michaela Westen*

      I meant to say I don’t agree with Alison’s advice this time. I was laid off several years ago and given a letter of recommendation.
      I included it in my applications for staff jobs and it really seemed to make a difference! I ended up with the best job I’ve ever had by far.
      Of course it depends on your industry, if there are norms you should be following.

  6. Nobody Here by That Name*

    OP#1: Presumably you’d be comfortable with people named Regina, Jesus, or Lily, right? Just because King or Honey aren’t the versions of names you’re used to doesn’t mean they’re weird names, meaning-wise. Maybe thinking of it that way can help you get past your discomfort. (In addition to AAM’s excellent point about culture.)

    1. Geoffrey B*

      Yep. So many familiar names are based on a royal/noble title or something similar.

      Alison mentioned reasons why royal names are common for Black people; Sikhism does something similar, where it’s standard for Sikh women to use the surname Kaur (“Princess”) as a social leveller.

      1. Princess Consuela Banana Hammock*

        Kaur doesn’t mean “princess”! It translates as “prince.” There’s a long explanation of why women are given an explicitly male-gendered surname, but it boils down to gender inequality and the significance of saying that women should be valued at least as much as men.

        (But I agree with your larger point.)

    2. Lady Blerd*

      Exactly. Many traditional European names had original meanings that mean king, queen etc. I understand OP’s hesitation to call it those names but at the end of the day, it’s their legal name. I know a Princess who switched to her middle name as an adult but that wad her choice.

      1. ssssssssssssssssssssssss*

        My neighbour had two daughters with “normal” names and a son who was named Dieudonné, which translates as “god-given.” I had never heard that name before. (and I thought that was unfair to his sisters but it turns out it’s not that uncommon from where the mother was from (I fail to remember which African country)). Here in Canada, the son decided in his teens to have people call him Diego.

        And I worked with someone who’s name was Mama (she was North African). It felt odd to me the first time I called her by her name as she was not my mama! Then I got over it.

        It’s good to acknowledge that these names feel odd to you as your feelings are real. But then take those feelings, and grow a little, grow up a little and then call them by their names. There’s no way around it.

        1. Femme D'Afrique*

          Dieudonné is a fairly common name for boys/men in Francophone Africa. I’ve met men with that name from Cameroon, DRC and Congo. I posted a link below (probably still in moderation) about names from Zimbabwe too. I also get that hearing an unusual name can be startling but yeah, get over it and move on.

        2. Constanze*

          It is quite common in France as well.

          There is a stand up comic very well known with that name (he goes by his first name as a whole stage name), but got infamous lately for really antisemitic comments and behaviours. So, now, this particular first name is associated with this in France…

      2. OlympiasEpiriot*

        Yup. My (very common, broadly accepted, European) name means Princess in its original language.

        Lots of names in their original languages have meanings that would feel odd to say translated. For instance, Alexander is our version of a Greek name that meant Defender. Or Duncan…nice Scottish name, right? Just means Dark Battle.

        Soooooo, Duncan Hines…cake mix and frosting company…means Dark Battle Home Power. (Hines is an americanization of Heinz, which is a nickname for Heinrich, which means Home Power or Rule.)

        I like the varieties of names families use nowadays for their children. No matter what, people may decide to change their name as they age, or not. My mother was named Judith, but hated being called Judy, so changed her name to something she liked.

        To OP1, maybe thinking about the meanings of all the names of your family would help? Also, if someone tells me to call them by a name, I’ll use it no matter what. It is their name.

        1. Hope*

          Dark Battle Home Power is kind of an awesome name for a cake mix company, when you think about it. Like a home chef who’s ready to throw down in Kitchen Stadium.

    3. nom de plume*

      I was going to say the exact same: Rex = king in Latin; Augustus = august; Amy = beloved (quite literally – it’s from the French “aimée”)… the examples go on and on.

      Please, whatever you do, do NOT joke about wanting to be called Empress Sweetie. It’s not funny, and it’s just wrong. This is your discomfort, and while understandable to a point, the onus is on you to overcome it.

    4. MuseumChick*

      I agree Nobody Here. To add to that, names like Sarah for example, mean princess/noblewoman in Hebrew. I doubt the OP feels uncomfortable calling someone Sarah even though it’s basically calling them Princess.

  7. Yvette*

    #3, Your boss is a jerk. That being said if it is your responsibility, maybe you could attach a note to your car keys, or, if you feel comfortable doing so, leave your car key with the cabinet keys.

    #1 I totally agree with Alison, the only (slight, slight) issue I have is with someone named Honey, and that is only because I would be concerned that patients, the general public etc. might not know that was her name and might think I was being inappropriate or overly familiar or condescending.

    1. lyonite*

      But if they’re in healthcare and dealing with patients, they’re probably wearing nametags, right? Regardless, I think that treating your colleagues with respect is worth the risk of the occasional misunderstanding. (“Did you just call her honey?” “Oh, that’s her name. Now hold still; this’ll just sting a little.”)

    2. The Man, Becky Lynch*

      The general public can get over it. Same goes for saying Princess or Precious, those could be misconstrued as well. Then if they complain they can pick their pride up off the floor when told the woman’s name is indeed Honey.

      1. Phoenix Programmer*

        Well the thing is a lot of people don’t speak up in the moment. Instead they complain to your boss that you are being inappropriate and using “pet names” when it is actually the person’s name!

        Something similar happened to me. Someone I work with exclusively via phone is named Honey. I had a a lot of calls with her one week and after a particularly long one my boss asked me sarcastically what honey was making for dinner.

        After some confused back and forth it came out that Honey was her name and my boss admitted to me he thought I was on calls with my husband all week! His dinner joke was his ice breaker to reprimand me I guess.

        I poked around the office some and it turns out a lot of people thought I was on personal calls. It was irritating. :/

        That said I still call her Honey. Yes I am uncomfortable using that name on the phone but oh well. It’s her name.

        1. Goya de la Mancha*

          This was my thoughts when reading that post.

          It’s their name, and I will call them by it, but names that lean toward the “pet name” side of things will forever make me uncomfortable.

    3. zaracat*

      I’ve found that people tend to say an actual name like Honey differently from the way they would say it as a nickname or generic gendered reference; I’m not sure how to explain it exactly except that it’s to do with the way you stress the word (eg when people are mocking they’ll tend to draw the word out longer), that usually makes it obvious which one is intended.

      1. Laura H.*

        Also maybe the words you use around it or the placement in the sentence in addition to inflections. I know a Precious and a Lovely- I cant exactly put my finger on how
        the proper names differ from the adjective forms when speaking them but they do!

        As a side note, the two aforementioned people are wonderful and also fit their names very well!

        1. Nanani*

          I went to school with a Precious and she pronounced her name more like “Preshees” – different final vowel. We all had the same language background so it wasn’t an accent thing.

          1. Le’Veon Bell is seizing the means of production*

            And that’s really close to the name Precis, which I think is pronounced “pray-see” and is French maybe? Not usual in my cultural context, but not hard to learn and get used to!

    5. LQ*

      I’ve worked with Honey’s and as soon as you stop using it with familiar or condescending tones people know it’s a name and not a term of endearment. People often call people’s names with a slight tone of endearment when they are asking a favor, but if you just use it like you would a name in a normal conversation and not that tinge of endearment you’ll be fine and people will hear name rather than endearment. This is really WAY more about tone than word.

    6. Barbara*

      I recommend using a pop up reminder on Outlook, or your phone. I used to have one reminding me every day at 3:30 to pick up the mail, and it took months before I stopped needing it.

  8. Engineer Girl*

    #3 Checklists!!!!!
    Create a checklist that you will look at every night before you go home. Pilots use checklists. Engineers use checklists. They are a wonderful thing. They save so much aggravation.

    1. Engineer Girl*

      Also – put an open/closed list on the cabinet. It would have date, time, initials. That way if someone opens the cabinet after you leave you have proof that you did indeed lock it for the day.

      1. Lynca*

        This is what we do for our cabinets. I think this combined with the checklist will give the OP more tools for dealing with this situation.

        1. valentine*

          Are you expecting others to fill out the list when they’re not even locking the cabinet, or for OP3 to note when she last locked it? Neither is proof.

          1. Engineer Girl*

            There is proof OP closed it for the day if there is a date-time note and initials.

            If the cabinet is being opened by others after that then OP has proof and can ask to keep the keys secure.

      2. BluntBunny*

        I think a sign in/our sheet is good idea especially if the contents of the safe are really important. But I wonder if the people still left in the office still need to access the documents after OP has left whether it is practical/reasonable to expect the OP to always lock it. This could maybe give the OP some standing to say that maybe the last person would be better placed.

    2. Startup HR*

      Good idea. You could also add a “lock the cabinet” phone alarm that goes off 10 minutes before you leave everyday, if you always leave at the same time. Either way your boss still sucks.

      1. Cambridge Comma*

        You could probably find a way to set an alarm that goes off when you leave a defined location.

      3. Kes*

        This is the obvious solution to me. Set a regular alarm shortly before you normally leave to remind you to lock the cabinet

    3. Thanks! Wait what...*

      Oh come on. That comes across so demeaning.

      5 times in 2 years. Given the 80minute round trip commute, if they were going to exaggerate they would have.

      While i dont know OPs methods, I think its safe to say they have a very reasonable set up to remember their duties.

      OP is not the issue.

      2. Ask a Manager* Post author

        The OP’s boss is a jerk, but it’s also true that the OP is sometimes forgetting something she needs to do, and it’s becoming an issue at work. There’s nothing wrong with suggesting a way to handle that.

      3. Engineer Girl*

        BTW I worked at a facility that had a three strikes and you’re out on security. First offense, a write up. Second offense, three days suspension without pay. Third offense, walked out.
        There was no annual reset.

        I realize that OP is not in that situation. But some folks are. And we have to learn how to deal. So keys in the safe, checklists, signout sheets, etc.

        1. Database Developer Dude*

          Not the point, Engineer Girl. The keys to the cabinet are hanging on a hook on the outside of the cabinet. Security’s not an issue here for this OP.

            1. Database Developer Dude*

              It’s a meaningless job requirement. Not to mention, part of the OP’s training said that the last person in the office locks the cabinet, and gaslighting boss told the new employee they should have known that wasn’t correct. There’s no wiggle room here.

              2. Engineer Girl*

                We don’t know why boss wants cabinet locked. OP does state that it contains “personal files, organizational records, and petty cash.” All if these should be locked up at night.

                The OP will have a much harder time finding another job if they have been fired from this one. It is in their best long-term interest to lock the cabinet while they search for a job with a boss who isn’t a jerk.

      4. Princess Consuela Banana Hammock*

        Checklists are not demeaning if OP creates one for themselves? It might not even be demeaning if it came from OP’s boss. To be sure, the boss is behaving in a jerk way—I don’t like his methods at all. But helping OP coming up with strategies to prevent the situation from occurring, again, can be helpful.

        1. LQ*

          Checklists shouldn’t be demeaning at all. They save lives and send people to the moon. Checklists save lives. They aren’t demeaning. If they can save lives they can help you with something less important than saving a life.

          1. Antilles*

            Correct. And interestingly, many of the items on the checklist usually have a story behind them – there are 17 items on the checklist is because when we previously had 16, people kept forgetting ___.

          2. pentamom*

            Hidden Brain podcast has a fascinating episode about this, dated October 30, 2017. I just listened to it the other day.

            1. Teach*

              Atul Gawande’s book “The Checklist Manifesto” is the basis for that episode and a very interesting read!

      5. Jen*

        I train (and was trained myself) with checklists for my job and we also used them in our grad level lab. There is nothing inherently demeaning about checklists.

      6. EPLawyer*

        I wonder if OP is not the issue too. If the key is right there, did OP really forget? Or did someone who was still there re-open the cabinet after she left and then didn’t re-lock it?

        That’s the problem with the whole system. No one has the responsbility of unlocking it. It just hangs open unlocked until OP has to leave. But if OP locks it and someone else is still working and needs something, they go unlock it. And may or may not lock it back up. Because the key is hanging right there.

        If they are going to make it OP’s responsibility then she gets to keep the key. She unlocks it in the morning and locks it at night. If anyone needs it when OP is not there, oh well.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          THIS.
          There is NO WAY that OP can be sure the cabinet stays locked overnight if the keys are right there.

          1. Rusty Shackelford*

            It does make you wonder what would happen if she said “No, I locked the cabinet. Someone must have opened it afterward and left it unlocked.”

        2. Antilles*

          That was my thought too. It seems like OP has realized that in these particular cases it was just forgetting, but given that other employees work later and may need something for the cabinets, it’s entirely possible that OP locks it and someone else goes in and forgets to re-lock it.

        3. OlympiasEpiriot*

          THANK YOU!

          I was wondering the same thing.

          Having the keys “right there” makes no sense if the cabinet is supposed to be locked.

          [Also, if the cabinet has to be open every day all day when the office is open, that makes me think more than just one person needs access to it and there’s free access to everyone in the office. There might be a need for people staying late in the office to get in there. Having one person with the keys changes people’s ability to do their jobs.]

        4. Glitsy Gus*

          I do wonder if the OP could make herself a sign off for locking the cabinet (so she is sure she did it) and then if the Boss finds it open she can know that it was someone else would be helpful.

          As I and a few others mentioned, sometimes things needs to be locked for regulatory/safety reasons and not for security reasons (even if they sounds stupid, sometimes regulations sound stupid even though they exist for a reason), so her keeping the keys may not be a viable alternative. What she can do, however, is double check herself so she can 1. know for a fact that she did lock it, and 2. find out if the issue is someone else needing something from the cabinet after she left.

          It may or may not fix her jerk of a Boss’s reaction, but it may go a ways to saving her own sanity and give her the next step- finding the person unlocking them and making sure they know to re-lock if she’s gone (if that is the case).

      7. RandomusernamebecauseIwasboredwiththelastone*

        I think they are the problem here.

        Yes the boss is being a jerk about this, but obviously it’s a hot button for them.
        Locking the cabinet is the OP’s responsibility whether it makes sense to them or not. I’ve never had much luck picking and choosing what job responsibilities I’m going to do, but individual results may vary.

        I think this one of those situations where the reality isn’t going to change and it’s going to fall on the OP to manage. I don’t see how giving advice to help them do it is demeaning in any way.

    4. Engineer Girl*

      I suggested below too –
      Put your car keys in the open cabinet. You’re not getting far without them.
      I had to do that with my safe.

      2. Traffic_Spiral*

        This is a good idea. I mean, yeah, the boss is a jerk, but he’s being a jerk within his authority, so LW is just going to have to deal for now.

      4. PhyllisB*

        This reminds me of my mother!! Her trick (at home) is to put the car keys in the fridge or freezer; even if you’re not taking something cold with you. When you go get your keys out of the freezer, it reminds you of what you’re supposed to be doing/taking with you. Works like a charm!! However, with new computerized keys I don’t do this anymore because I’m afraid the cold will not be good for them. Instead I lay them on top the the fridge. The point is to do something that jogs your memory. Yes, your boss is an ass; but if it’s your job to do it, then you must find a way to remember it.

      5. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Yes! After leaving my laptop home twice, I started latching my car keys to my laptop case on the times when I brought it home.

        1. Dragoning*

          I did that twice, and now there is an alarm on my phone that goes off five minutes before I walk out the door that says “BRING YOUR F****** COMPUTER” with no snooze option.

    5. L.*

      Even as a sales person, I am constantly evaluating and adjusting the checklist I use for my sales. I’m in the process of currently revamping mine, as my boss and I determined that the two we have available are insufficient. So we are combining the best of both.

      Having a checklist has saved our butts many times.

    6. nom de plume*

      This misses an important point, which I’m surprised that Alison also brushed aside: this boss’s behavior is *absolutely* abusive. The gaslighting (telling OP they should have known it was their task when they were told otherwise); the humiliating (forcing them to come back for no reason); the denigrating and warping of reality (the cabinets are holding back OP’s career?!?! for real?!?!) — all this is more than “jerk” behavior.

      I really want to emphasize this bc this isn’t behavior worth accommodating – checklist or no checklists. When someone is this far out in the land of irrational assholery, the thing to do is GTFO of there. If it’s not the cabinets, it’ll be something else.

      Please remember, OP – it’s not you, it’s (asshole) him.

      1. Loose Seal*

        I agree that the boss is definitely on the asshole spectrum but that doesn’t absolve the OP from doing everything she can to correct this performance issue. He hasn’t asked her to do anything illegal or immoral. He’s just asked her to lock a cabinet.

        Frankly, once I had the conversation with OP about it being her responsibility to lock that cabinet before she left, I’d be irritated* to have to address it again. Because at that point, it’s not just an unlocked cabinet. It’s whether OP can follow directions she doesn’t necessarily see the need for. And possessing an essential skill set doesn’t eliminate the need for following direction.

        *I don’t know if I would have made her drive back to work to lock the cabinet but I don’t think it’s “abusive” that OP’s boss did so.

        1. Tiny Soprano*

          Plus what’s the bet if he’s an arse about the cabinet, he’s probably an arse about other things too. Eliminating the cabinet locking problem just gives the OP more high ground if they need to go to HR about further arsery later.

          1. valentine*

            Loose Seal, even if no one else locks the cabinet, how would you know OP3 left it unlocked? Maybe OP3 locked the cabinet at 5:00 and left, boss unlocked the cabinet at 6:00, found it unlocked at 9:00, and called her back to lock it.

            1. Engineer Girl*

              That’s why you have an open/closed sign in sheet. OP would have proof that they had closed it for the day.

        2. Database Developer Dude*

          I dispute that this is an *actual* performance issue. The keys are kept hanging next to the cabinet. What’s the purpose of locking it, especially when OP isn’t the last one to leave the office? It’s basically giving a pass to a boss who wants a person doing a meaningless task.

          1. Colette*

            Bosses are allowed to want their employees to do meaningless tasks. No pass required.

            (It’s not a great idea, but they do have that authority.)

            1. Database Developer Dude*

              Yes, pass required. It’s called making sense and not being an asshole for no reason. There is no mission-related reason for the OP to have to lock the cabinets every time THEY leave, if they’re not the last one there, and if THE KEYS ARE HANGING ON THE SIDE OF THE CABINET!!!

              This makes my blood boil. Required meaningless tasks are an abuse of authority. It’s not mission related, it’s just a dick measuring contest. There is no moral justification for this sort of thing.

              1. Colette*

                Maybe there is a reason we – and the OP – don’t know. Maybe it’s just a preference. What it comes down to is that the OP is literally getting paid to do it – the boss gets to make the call.

              2. Joielle*

                I mean, sure, but when it comes down to it, the options are remember to lock the cabinet, or run the risk of getting fired for not locking it. Is it a totally useless task and a ridiculous reason for OP to get in trouble? Yeah, probably. Can the boss fire her for it? Yep.

                If OP wants to die on this hill and see if she’ll be fired, she can do that and she’d be morally in the clear! But if she doesn’t want to risk it, she should come up with a system for remembering to lock the cabinet. She can try suggesting alternative ideas, but if the boss doesn’t go for that, we’re back to square one.

                No matter how irritating this situation is, it doesn’t change the facts at hand.

              3. LJay*

                There is if locking the cabinet is their job, not somebody else’s job.

                We had a similar issue where I work. There is a gate that needs to be locked when the last warehouse clerk scheduled to leave leaves for the day (and this is a specific person who is responsible for it who is scheduled to leave 30 minutes later than the others and perform duties like this, shutting off the lights, ensuring all UPS and FedEx packages have been picked up, etc).

                Sometimes the last warehouse clerk scheduled out is not the last person to actually leave. Sometimes I am still there when they leave. Sometimes the inventory manager is still there when they leave.

                Both the inventory manager and I could lock the gate. And there could be an instance where the inventory manager or I might open the already locked gate.

                But the occasions where we would open the gate would be very rare. In most instances we would n0t. I don’t think I’ve ever opened the gate after the employee has left for the day.

                And it doesn’t make sense for me or the inventory manager to be responsible for locking the gate. It’s not related to either of our job duties. I travel for business at least 60% of the time and so am not there to lock the gates for weeks on end. The inventory manager is scheduled to be out 30 minutes before the assigned person, even if he stays later than that.

                If the gate isn’t locked overnight, it’s probably not the end of the world. But we’re in a not-great part of town, and the gate remaining open makes it more likely that someone will come onto the property and rob us than if the gate is locked.

                And, having one person assigned to the task makes it easier to have accountability. If the rule is just “last one out” then there can be arguments over who exactly was the last one out for the day. Someone could think that someone else was still in the building but in the bathroom or something and so not realize that they were in fact the last one out. Someone who was the actual last one out one day might never really be the last one out and not remember that this is a task that needs to be done.

                We had a new person in the role, who was struggling to remember to lock the gate (and do other things like turn off the lights and make sure the packages were all picked up), and I did consider it to be a performance issue. If part of your tasks are to close the gate, and you’re not closing the gate, you need to come up with some method to remember how to do it.

                I wouldn’t call someone back from home to make them close the gate, but I would consider writing them up if it continued to be a problem.

                As it is, the person turned out to be not a fit in a bunch of ways and quit shortly after hiring.

                (In the OPs case, yeah, the keys hanging on the side of the cabinet is stupid because then anyone, authorized or unauthorized could get into the cabinet. At this point I don’t know why they bother locking it at all and it makes me wonder if there was a training issue where the key was supposed to be left by the cabinet during the day when there is someone there to monitor who is using it but the key is supposed to be moved at night or something. Or this is a case where people are valuing compliance over common sense, in which case any auditor worth their salt should write them up anyway – if the rule is that the cabinets have to be locked because they contain personal information, locking them but having the key right there is not really protecting the personal information. Or maybe it does make sense – someone above mentioned that maybe they are fireproof and need to be locked to maintain fireproofness. Or maybe they have to be locked to prevent someone from inadvertent opening it but someone accessing them maliciously is not a concern for some reason. In our case it’s a combo lock and only authorized people can open it.)

                But the larger point stands – even if someone else in the place could lock the cabinet, if the OP is the one that is assigned to lock the cabinet and they’re not doing it, it’s a performance problem.

              4. ChachkisGalore*

                THANK YOU. This is absolutely abuse of authority and nothing more.

                Yes – realistically speaking if this is a matter of being homeless or doing a completely pointless task consistently, then yeah, hands are tied and playing along with this bafoonery is the only actionable option.

                However… I really hope that we can all agree that the boss is not just a jerk for making the OP drive 40 min back to the office as punishment, but is just as much a jerk for requiring such a completely pointless and illogical task in the first place.

      2. LawBee*

        But in the meantime, OP still has to deal with jerkboss (I hesitate to call him abusive based solely on this letter), so GTFO sure if she wants but in the meantime – checklists, leave the cabinet locked during the day, store the car keys in it, set an alarm on the phone, whatever it takes.

        1. New Job So Much Better*

          If OP isn’t the last to leave, how can she be sure someone else isn’t re-unlocking the cabinet again?

          1. LawBee*

            Take the keys with her. Tell people not to unlock the cabinet after she leaves, as JerkBoss wants it locked after she leaves. As suggested upthread, put up a chart saying what time the cabinet was locked.

            There are things she can do, this part isn’t hard. It’s annoying, sure but I’m sure there are harder aspects of her job than something she forgot to do a few times.

      3. Colette*

        I don’t read that as gaslighting. The boss could legitimately have thought the OP knew, because he wasn’t the one who trained her.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          The part that bugs me is him saying “obviously you should have known that was wrong” about the written materials her predecessor gave her.

          1. Colette*

            It’s possible that the boss was legitimately surprised that the OP wasn’t trained properly. It’s also possible that he said something that wasn’t phrased well. I’m not inclined to give a great deal of significance to one sentence (unless it was something truly abusive or awful, which this is not).

            1. aebhel*

              Eh, he might just be a jerk. I had a couple of moments like that with a coworker when I started at my current job; it was so ‘obvious’ to her that things had to be done a certain way that the fact that I had been told to do the opposite was irrelevant and I should have known better.

              It happens sometimes when people have worked somewhere for ages. They forget what is and is not common knowledge.

              1. Colette*

                Maybe – but every one of us has said something jerky at one point or another. Maybe the boss is truly terrible – but maybe he’s just a flawed human like everyone else.

      4. Rusty Shackelford*

        I really want to emphasize this bc this isn’t behavior worth accommodating – checklist or no checklists. When someone is this far out in the land of irrational assholery, the thing to do is GTFO of there. If it’s not the cabinets, it’ll be something else.

        But assuming the OP wants to keep her job in the meanwhile, suggestions for how to best meet the boss’s irrational demands are appropriate.

        1. Colette*

          And it’s possible that when the OP considers this job (pay, commute, benefits, work, etc.) against other jobs she could get, taking steps to make sure she remembers to lock the cabinets is still her best option.

      5. hbc*

        “…this isn’t behavior worth accommodating.” But the accommodation isn’t for the boss’s crappy behavior, it’s adjusting to meet the needs of the job. Accommodating his behavior would be clearing her schedule for 3 hours past her normal leaving time so she can always be ready to run back if he demands it. Accommodating a stated job duty that is a relatively easy (though of dubious necessity) daily task is a pretty minimal requirement for holding down a job.

        This is not a hill to die on.

    7. Liane*

      The checklist would be great for a reminder–I use them for many things. However, OP also needs a solution for the “Key is right there so anyone can unlock it later” portion of the problem that others have identified.
      Should OP include a checklist item to page/group email 15 minutes before leaving, “You have 5 minutes to get stuff from cabinet”? Lock the key in her desk? Call her boss to come watch her lock up? Text her boss a time and date stamped picture of the cabinet with the locked lock clearly visible? All of the above?

      1. Engineer Girl*

        That’s why I suggested the open/closed sign in sheet taped to the cabinet. OP date-time stamps the time and then initials it (in ink) when things are opened/closed. If the cabinet is opened after leaving then there is proof that OP had locked it.

        If the cabinet is getting opened after OP has signed off in it then OP can present an argument for keeping the key in a secure location.

      2. Observer*

        Unless we get an update where it turns out that, as someone put it in a comment on another update, the “the molehill is a METAPHOR for this mountain underneath it!”

    3. namelesscommentator*

      This feels like one of those letters where the real dram happens in the update. Where there’s smoke there’s fire and all.

      I’m also highly WTFing why a boss is so fixated on cabinets. Doesn’t he have is own job to do? If it’s so important these cabinets be locked at the end of the night why aren’t they only opened when you need access?

      1. Rusty Shackelford*

        I’m also highly WTFing why a boss is so fixated on cabinets.

        Especially since the key is literally ON THE CABINETS. It’s not like locking the cabinets is a security issue.

        1. LCL*

          Yes. The whole locking up something while leaving the key out is just weird monkey motion and accomplishes nothing. Except to emphasize that he is the boss. I believe if OP wanted to, she could make a very long post detailing boss’ controlling and demeaning behavior towards her and other workers.

      2. Princess Sarah*

        Also, if the boss is waiting for op3 to come back and lock the cabinets, doesn’t the boss have somewhere to be? Why are you waiting for upwards of 40 minutes after work for op3 to get back to the office? Go home!

    4. JamieS*

      I’m more jaded. My outlook for 2019 is there’s going to be a letter where a boss does something like punch an employee on purpose and still won’t make the contenders cut. Y’all heard it here first.

      2. MatKnifeNinja*

        Yeah, for cabinet boss to be a contender, he’d take the tip off of one finger, and make OP drive home with no bandages.

        I’ve worker for some bosses that would totally do this as a punishment. Like if I make it miserable enough, you’ll remember to do your job.

        As, it doesn’t matter if the boss is hands width from the keys and cabinets. The boss calls the shots. He’s not a worker bee.

        (It would be wonderful if he wasn’t a DBag, but yah know…)

        1. Sick of excuses*

          So, maybe OP should be fired instead? I’m unclear why a simple, and truly it is simple, job expectation cannot be met by the OP. Make a note, a list, an alarm on the phone, and do the deed. It doesn’t sound like you are getting in trouble for others behaviors-or that others are unlocking the cabinet behind you-just being held responsible for your own failure to complete a simple task. I’m guessing boss is trying negative reinforcement to get compliance because simple discussion isn’t working to his/her satisfaction. IMO the person being childish is the OP.

          1. JD*

            I mean…it depends on how important it is to keep the cabinet locked. Like, if it’s critically important that those cabinets get locked at the end of the day 100% of the time and the boss has assigned OP to be in charge of that, then yes OP should be expected to remember it every time, and not just nearly every time. But, if it’s that important for the cabinet to be locked at the end of the day, then as other people are pointing out…why is this something that anyone else can just unlock after OP has left, and do we even know that OP did forget every time? Like either it’s important enough to make a big deal out of, in which case the key *should not be available at all* after OP leaves (or there should be some way to hold other people responsible if someone else unlocks it and doesn’t re-lock it), or else it’s a very minor aspect of the job, in which case forgetting two or three times out of a couple hundred workdays a year shouldn’t be a big issue. It can’t be so minor that someone else could leave it unlocked by mistake with zero consequences, but simultaneously so major that it’s a huge deal when OP leaves it unlocked by mistake. OP’s boss is handling this badly.

            I previously worked at an aquarium where something vaguely like this was going on. Basically, docents like myself were supposed to tell visitors to not take flash photos of an octopus that was a considerable distance away from where we were telling them that. There was also a dimly-lit, hard to see sign next to the octopus tank. This was clearly not sufficient to keep visitors from taking flash photos of the octopus and it happened all the time. Usually the visitors didn’t even know an octopus was in there, since they tend to hole up during the day. And yet we’d get in trouble (verbally reprimanded — I don’t think anyone got written up) if we didn’t do our wildly-insufficient part of keeping this thing that happened all the time from happening. (I always did, but my coworkers didn’t always and I can’t really blame them, it felt like an exercise in futility.) Whereas people with far more authority than I had could have, I don’t know, put the octopus somewhere else or at least bought a bigger sign.

      3. Database Developer Dude*

        JamieS – any boss who would physically assault an employee is Just. Effing. Stupid ™. You never know who you’re stepping to.

    5. Tysons in NE*

      I bet that even if the OP does lock the files up, the boss would unlock it and still blame it on her.

    6. Le Sigh*

      An early contender who will quickly be eclipsed by the boss who insists their assistant constantly babysit their beloved dog, who sheds all over the office, despite the assistant being very allergic. Said boss will get mad at assistant for not being a cultural fit and being dramatic by wheezing all the time, then illegally dock assistant’s pay and write them up for not getting their work done and taking time to go to the doctor but failing to get a note.

      And then, said boss will demand their assistant donate a kidney to his dying dog or be fired. Said boss will also make the assistant stay with the dog post-surgery since boss is out of town for work, then call at 3am demanding to be picked up from the airport, and then get mad at the assistant for leaving the dog alone to pick the boss up and wearing jeans. To deal with the tension caused by all of this, said boss will insist they all go to group therapy together, dog included.

      To cap it off, said boss will write to Alison wondering how to write a kind but firm email expressing disappointment that said assistant quit, choosing to visit their dying grandmother in the hospital instead of take beloved dog to doggy day care, and how the assistant really needs to learn about responsibility.

  10. Mike C.*

    What’s the problem with calling a grown woman a princess, is that is her name or title? “Princess” isn’t even a diminutive term. The title itself doesn’t mean that someone is young or childish, it means their parents are still ruling. There are lots of adult princes and princesses throughout nations which still have these systems going.

    The crown prince of England is an elderly man for goodness sakes.

    2. Edith*

      “Princess isn’t even a diminutive term.”

      It absolutely is. It’s not relevant to LW’s situation since that’s a person’s actual given name, but we shouldn’t pretend there’s nothing condescending about directing it toward a grown woman who isn’t 1) actual royalty or 2) named Princess.

      1. Approval is optional*

        Well, diminutive in this context actually means a shortened form of a name (eg Jenny for Jennifer) so Mike C is correct. And he said ‘[if] that is her name or title’; he wasn’t addressing the use of the word in other situations.

        1. Edith*

          His stated use of the term was young or childish. There was nothing in there about shortened names.

          1. Approval is optional*

            I’m not trying to be argumentative, but I was responding to your statement: ‘“Princess isn’t even a diminutive term.” It absolutely is.’ The context I was referring to, was how the term is used in reference to names. So Mike C’s statement is correct. And even if he is ‘mis-defining’ it as ‘young or childish’ he was talking about the ‘title itself’, not the use of the word as a ‘nickname’ (for want of a better word), so he is, again, correct that the title ‘Princess’ is not only used by royal children.
            I totally agree that calling someone ‘Princess’ when it’s not their name or their title is condescending, but it isn’t fair to suggest that Mike C was ‘pretend[ing] there’s nothing condescending about directing it toward a grown woman who isn’t 1) actual royalty or 2) named Princess’, when he was only addressing circumstances when it *was* a royal title or a name.

            1. Mike C.*

              Yes, specifically this from the OP:

              I don’t feel comfortable calling a grown woman “Princess.”

      2. Princess Consuela Banana Hammock*

        Princess doesn’t refer to youth or a childlike status—it refers to a familial relationship. There are plenty of grown women who are named Princess, and it’s not condescending to call a grown woman whose name is Princess by her name.

        1. WS*

          I think they mean calling a girl or woman “princess” as a demeaning term to indicate she is fussy or demanding – “Here you go, princess,” for example.

        2. Ruth (UK)*

          When Princess is not an actual given name of a person, I would say there are two main uses, those being when it is the actual title of the person (based on the familial relationship as you state) and when it’s used as a pet name, usually for a child.

          Where I live it’s a very common pet name that a parent might affectionately call their (especially young) daughter. They may also talk about them as their ‘little Princess’ etc. (However it’s not really common though not unheard of for boys to be called prince in the same way). It’s also sometimes a term I have heard men call adult women whose name they don’t know is in the same way they might say ‘love’ ‘duck’ ‘doll’ etc. While some of the others I’ve compared to may also be used by women on women or even on men, I would say this one I only hear used by men on women.

          So I think despite the actual meaning of the word when used as the title falls secondary to how it is often used when addressing people with the pet name being more common as most people are not actual princesses using it as a title. I also think that outside of discussing real royalty people tend to think of the Disney Princess type of princess (ie. A child) rather than a person who carries that title particularly. This is why it seems like a diminutive and therefore feels weird to say for people who aren’t used to it being the given name.

          I have never come across it as a given name though I’ve heard of it being one. As for when it’s a person’s given name, a agree you need to just get comfortable with saying it. While I haven’t come across that one, I have come across other names that seem weird to say at first for similar reasons.

      3. Traffic_Spiral*

        I think it depends on where you’re from, but where I’m from, if you’re calling someone “Princess,” you might as well be calling them “Princess Useless Bitchy-Pants.” Or it’s your cat – and you still mean “Princess Useless Bitchy-Pants,” but you mean it affectionately. Still, if it’s their name you just gotta roll with it – like if there was someone named Dick.

        1. Rusty Shackelford*

          Yes, this. Princess can, and often does, have its own unpleasant connotations. But still. If it’s her name, and she hasn’t asked you to call her anything else, use her name.

        2. Database Developer Dude*

          I am well acquainted with a cat that has been nicknamed “Little Lord Rotten-ass” by its owner

      4. Nonsensical*

        Someone at Google, where they allow you to make up your own titles as long as it is not misleading, calls herself the Security Princess.

    3. Jen*

      I Don’t think put of context meaning matters at all. We have a guy at work who goes by “Trip” because he’s His name III. One of my uncle’s was commonly called “June”, which is a woman’s name more typically, because he was a Junior. Everyone knows we aren’t using the noun form of those.

    4. Not Australian*

      “The crown prince of England is an elderly man for goodness sakes.”

      There is no such individual; you’re referring to the Prince of Wales.

        1. London Calling*

          Well technically there is no such title in the UK as ‘Crown Prince,’ but if there were it wouldn’t be the Duke of Edinburgh – crown prince is the male heir apparent. It’s just much more usual in Britain to refer to the Prince of Wales or Prince Charles.

        2. Fiorinda*

          Well, given that the Prince of Wales is seventy and the Duke of Edinburgh is in his nineties, he could be talking about either. Or both! But the Duke of Edinburgh is the Prince Consort, not the crown prince.

      2. Constanze*

        Actually, on the birth certificate of his chilren, Prince William wrote “Princess of England” for Kate Middleton’s job. I can’t remember what he wrote for himself, it might have been “Prince of England” or “helicopter pilot”.

        1. Sick of people saying England when they mean UK*

          Actually, he put “Princess of the United Kingdom”. And he put his as “Prince of the United Kingdom”.

      3. RUKiddingMe*

        Most Americans don’t keep up with all the minutae of specific titles but I assumed they meant the POW.

        1. Sandy*

          I think they very clearly did and I’m not sure what the commenter is responding to— that they said the crown prince of *England* or the *crown prince* of England. If the former, they are correct and if the latter..well, the Prince of Wales is the crown prince; it’s just that he has a more specific associated title he is known by, unlike other royals.

  11. False Security*

    Why is no one else weirded out that #3 boss is making such a big deal of locking a cabinet with a key that *hangs on the side of that cabinet*?

    1. lyonite*

      OMG. Maybe the key goes somewhere else once it’s locked? (The only reasonable explanation I can think of.)

      1. Approval is optional*

        That would give it a whiff of sanity! But if ‘Anyone can lock or unlock them them at any time..’ then it doesn’t seem this is the system.

        1. Psyche*

          Yeah. I think they should just leave it locked by default then. No remembering required! Anyone who needs it can unlock it since the key is right there. Of course leaving it unlocked at all times is easier but this guy does not seem rational.

      2. Llamalawyer*

        Came here to say this! That was my first reaction. There are a lot of privacy requirements to have certain info locked up in various industries, but I don’t think that having the key right there in the open is compliant- defeats the purpose.

        1. LJay*

          Yeah, at least in my industry, any auditor worth their salt would consider that to be the same as “unlocked” and deem it a violation if the requirement was for it to be locked. (Though generally they use the term “secured”, maybe for this reason?)

      1. only acting normal*

        Given anyone can unlock it at any time, and at least two people work later than the OP… how does the boss know for sure that the OP didn’t lock it before they left, but it was then reopened? I’d be willing to bet that is exactly what happened at least one of the times the OP has been called back to work.

        1. Sarah M*

          This is exactly what I came here to say. There is nothing secure about locking a cabinet and then leaving the key next to it on a hook. If other people are still in the office, how exactly does Boss know the cabinet wasn’t locked by OP and then unlocked by another employee? The whole situation is ridiculous.

    3. Yvette*

      Maybe we were all so angered at the outrageous act of making her come all the way back, that very common sense detail escaped us. But yeah, good point. Then again nothing else the boss did was logical. “All but one time he was in the office the entire time, and the one time he wasn’t, someone else was going to be pulling an all-nighter there. “

    4. t.i.a.s.p.*

      Right?! I’d be awfully tempted to lock the cabinet and take the keys home every night since cabinet security is so important.

      1. only acting normal*

        It’s one way to help remember – keep the cabinet keys on you car-key-keyring. OP doesn’t lose anything, because they currently have to drive back if they forget (because boss is a loon), but it would prevent anyone reopening the cabinet after the OP leaves (whether innocently or maliciously).

        1. valentine*

          I wouldn’t steal the keys, but I also wouldn’t stay in this job because who is tracking the cash?

    5. thankful for AAM.*

      This. But I got stuck at, “you have to drive 40 minutes back in the snow so I can make a point and show how awful I am” so I had nothing to spare for the key is on the cabinet part.

    7. SS Express*

      I read it as the keys are on the side of A cabinet – i.e. a different cabinet. But I did still wonder why it’s so important to lock it when the keys are presumably accessible to anyone who’s inside the building anyway. I’d bet a good amount of money this is just a power trip.

      3. Falling Diphthong*

        … And suddenly this letter is the most interesting letter.

        If this is the sole barrier that keeps the brain sucking aliens out of our world…

        1. Marthooh*

          …and here we’re being so cruel to the boss! When he’s the only thing standing between us and the Suck-Brain Apocalypse!

    9. Bella*

      Came here to say this! Not that this helps the OP deal with the boss, but I’m so confused as to why it’s a big deal if the cabinet is locked when the keys are right on the side of it, and anyone can access it?

    10. Guacamole Bob*

      Yeah, this got me, too. I can understand it being a big deal to forget to lock a cabinet, but only in cases where security is important enough that you don’t keep the keys hanging on the side of the cabinet!

    11. kittymommy*

      The boss is a jackass and I would be very tempted to lock the cabinets and pocket the key and go home (don’t actually do this though!!), because how does the boss know who left the cabinet unlocked. I’m also not sure how the LW was supposed to intuit that she was supposed to lock it before going home since 1.) other people are using the cabinet (ostensibly) and 2.) she was told exactly not this!!

      1. Smarty Boots*

        “I’m also not sure how the LW was supposed to intuit that she was supposed to lock it before going home since 1.) other people are using the cabinet (ostensibly) and 2.) she was told exactly not this!!”

        That was true initially, but now she knows and she’s still forgetting (= not making it a priority and finding a way to ensure she remembers). It doesn’t matter what she was told before. What he has told her since, is to lock the cabinet. So she needs to lock the cabinet. Really, why would anyone want to die on this hill? It is so not worth making a fuss about it. It’s an easy task, the boss wants her to do it, so the OP needs to do it. Every day without fail.

        1. jack*

          Honestly, about 5x in 24 months is a pretty good success rate. It seems like she remembers 99% of the time.

          1. a1*

            Right! I’m not sure why people keep overlooking this. She doesn’t need strategies to remember. She doesn’t need to get over herself to do her job, and not die on this hill. She is remembering, and doing her job. The real question is what to do on the rare occasions she does forget and boss insists she drives back to lock it even when there are several other people there that can lock it. The answer may be just to do it, and accept boss is a jerk. But she wasn’t asking if she should ever do it, or slack off, or anything like that. Not sure where the assumption is coming from that she keeps forgetting.

          2. LJay*

            No, it’s not.

            If I had an employee who was forgetting to do one of their tasks once every couple of months, when the task was a simple as locking something up, I would consider that to be a performance issue.

      2. Peter the Bubblehead*

        If the WRITTEN INSTRUCTIONS the OP received when she started the job state “The cabinet is locked by the last person in the office” but the boss insists this WRITTEN INSTRUCTION was not true, couldn’t the OP go to HR and get clarification? I think it is entirely possible the boss has taken it on his own initiative to change policy and put the responsibility for this cabinet on the shoulders of the OP. Will HR or the Grand Boss agree with this assessment?

    12. Smarty Boots*

      It doesn’t have to make sense. It’s an easy task, he wants it done, OP needs to do it.

    13. RUKiddingMe*

      Since the key is in an easily accessible (by anyone) place, what stops others from unlocking it, and leaving it unlocked after OP leaves?

      1. zora*

        Also, if someone is breaking in to steal something, the key is Right. There. These cabinets are not ‘Secure’ at all. This was my first reaction and I am super annoyed with this boss.

    14. hbc*

      I’m not weirded out because I know far, far too many people who follow the letter of the law with either complete ignorance of its spirit, or even who delight in undermining the intent.

      The rule says the cabinet has to be locked at the end of the day. Mission accomplished.

      1. Arjay*

        It reminds me of Sir Didymus in Labyrinth when he strongly insists no one can cross the bridge without his permission. After going back and forth a little, Sarah asks him for his permission to cross, and he’s very amenable to that.

  12. Annastasia von Beaverhausen*

    OP 1, as someone with a…peculiar IRL name, please get over yourself.

    Using your coworkers’ names, even if they aren’t what you would choose for your own child is being professional. All your listed options are not.

    Also, ‘royal’ names are common in lots of non-English languages – Fatima means ‘queen’ for instance.

    Your lack of exposure to names such as these is really no excuse to treat your coworkers poorly. Which is what mocking their names, or refusing to interact with them would be.

    1. PollyQ*

      It’s the extra “n” in Annastasia that throws people off, right?

      But seriously, OP1, this is very, very simple: someone tells you their name, and then you call them by that name. No muss, no fuss, no second-hand embarrassment (?) — just do it. (See also: pronouns).

    2. Blarg*

      +1. And please avoid asking about their name origins, stories, etc. This is the perfect example of people who ask about unusual names (including my own) because they think they are owed an explanation.

      It can also be helpful to remember that many mainstream names could be considered odd if we weren’t used to them: Brandy is a booze. Christian and Christina are a religion. Virginias aren’t all virgins. Etc.

      1. L.*

        Asking about the orgins of someone’s name can also bring up some unpleasant family history that you may not be privvy to otherwise. I have two fisrt names. The second have of my name is from my mother’s country of origin. But it’s spelled with the American spelling. Without context, it sounds southern (think “Mary Ann” for example). But asking for context, I then feel like I have to explain (as someone who looks 100% white) that 1. Yes I am a fair part [nationality]… 25% to be exact, 2. No I don’t speak the language 3. No I’ve never been to that country and 4. Yes my mother was really born in another country, I am part that nationality and no I’m not close to that side of the family.

        1. Lynca*

          Exactly. My full name is a combination of a beloved deceased relative of my mom’s and a traditional Irish family name from my mom’s side. I didn’t really get the full implication of it until I was an adult so there was a lot to unpack emotionally. I’m fine with it (in fact I really like my name now) but I don’t like having to go through the explanation. It’s personal.

        2. Shamy*

          Definite yes to this. My fiance comverted to Islam and then changed his last name. People often ask about its origins since it is an Arabic name, and my fiance tells them he changed it because his previous birth name belonged to the slave owners of his ancestors. This seems to make people extremely uncomfortable. I personally think it is a fantastic eff you and love that he wanted to shed the ties to them.

          1. Jules the 3rd*

            Yeah, seriously, I love this. Iirc, this was part of Cassius Clay’s decision to rename himself Mohammed Ali.

        3. NYer, the Upstate Kind*

          For the record Mary Ann is my first name. I don’t have 2 first names. I’m not from the south but am an ethnic NY’er. I have come to accept that at every job there will be one person who calls me Mary but at 62 am still annoyed when in a formal setting someone shortens my name to Mary.

        4. Rikki Tikki Tarantula*

          My last name is somewhat unusual. Occasionally a client will ask about it, and I’m happy to tell them: my husband’s grandfather emigrated from Lebanon, and the surname was modified to be less “foreign” when he went through Ellis Island. This helped me bond with one client, who’d changed his name from something like “Pascowitz” to “Parker” when he went into business.

      2. JamieS*

        I find it odd that people assume there’s some story behind a name. Sometimes the parents just saw/heard the name and liked it.

        1. Anoncorporate*

          This is my case. Every time people ask me what my name means, I just shrug and say “idk”. It’s kind of a lie, I do know what it means, but I don’t have to divulge the history of my name with every rando I meet.

        2. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

          Yes. I had a great aunt named Juanita, but my family has no Hispanic heritage. My great grandparents just liked it. Just as my own name is neither Scottish nor German which are the two main ethnic groups I am descended from. It’s a bit odd to assume that every name has some interesting story. Sometimes they do but that seems more unusual to me than the other way around.

          1. Serin*

            Just as my own name is neither Scottish nor German which are the two main ethnic groups I am descended from.

            Think about how many “normal” “traditional” first names are Hebrew. (Two of my three names are Hebrew in origin.)

          2. Clisby Williams*

            I’ve known three white southern women roughly the age of my mother (so born mid-1920s to mid-1930s, say) who were named Juanita. No Hispanic background. I suspect it was related to popular culture – maybe there was a song, or book, or movie that featured the name and people just liked it.

          3. Dust Bunny*

            Juanita was very popular there for awhile in the . . . about the second quarter of the 20th century. Sometimes spelled Waneta. I run across it pretty often in (nursing yearbooks, in my case). We also have some stuff donated by a woman named Senorita. It actually says in her biographical blurb that her parents saw it somewhere and just thought it was pretty.

        3. Submerged Tenths*

          Yeah, my first name was my grandmother’s middle name. When I asked her where it came from (was there a family history with that name) she said, “My mother must have been reading a book.”

        4. Rusty Shackelford*

          I think Blarg is referring to people who have decided your name is unusual enough that no one would pick it unless there was a Good Reason.

          1. Jules the 3rd*

            Or someone who knows meanings for a lot of names.

            I love names and their meanings. When I run across one I don’t know, I’ll memorize it to look up later. I used to ask, but realized it was intrusive / othering a decade ago. However, if I say ‘I love your name’ and someone *volunteers* the meaning, we usually go to town. One neighbor explained all five of her children’s names (Arabic and French) and we spent most of the party talking about that and languages and living in a new country and…

            1. Rusty Shackelford*

              Yes, there’s a difference between “Oooh, what a cool name” and getting the story behind it and “Hmmm, that’s an unusual name, and you wouldn’t have it unless there was a Good Reason, so explain the Good Reason to me.”

        5. Alli525*

          Some people (me and my brother) were raised to know the meaning of our names. We had little wallet-sized cards stuck on our bedroom mirrors that showed our name, its Biblical meaning, and a short Bible verse related to our name/its meaning. So it’s very easy for me to assume there’s a story or meaning behind someone’s name, especially if it wasn’t particularly trendy around the time of their birth.

          Now, mind, I don’t usually ask. But I still wonder.

    3. namenamename*

      seconded, a fellow person with a weird name. And to add, LW1, I can TELL when people avoid talking to me because their uncomfortable with my name, it’s not subtle and it’s a real hassle.

    4. McWhadden*

      Titles as names aren’t even that uncommon in English. Duke and Earl are old fashioned now but are known names in English speaking countries.
      It’s a rather arbitrary aversion.

      1. WS*

        Depending where the OP is from, they might not be common names – in the UK and some Commonwealth countries, it’s illegal to give a child a title as a name. Judge, Princess, Sir, Baron etc. are all banned. I agree that it’s an arbitrary aversion (since they include “Honey”), but the names are genuinely unusual to some of us, and it was very interesting to me to understand a bit more about the history of such names in a US setting.

        1. Not Australian*

          “in the UK and some Commonwealth countries, it’s illegal to give a child a title as a name”

          Maybe, but the point is that the person is legally named in the place they come from and therefore there is no excuse not to address them properly.

        2. media monkey*

          that doesn’t appear to be true for the UK at least – according to the bbc, the UK permits any name aside from those deemed offensive. it lists several Supermans, Gazzas and Arsenals as examples. presumably you might struggle with Hitler or BinLaden or a swear word, but seems like the examples you gave would be OK.

        3. Bagpuss*

          I cant speak for other parts f the commonwealth, but in the UK it isn’t illegal to give a child any of those names.
          A registrar can refuse to to register a name if they consider it is offensive, but this is very rare.
          As a general rule, in England you can call yourself whatever you like, as long as you are not doing so with any fraudulent intent. I’m personally aware of someone’s whose legal name is King Arthur Pendragon, and ‘King’ is part of his legal name.

        4. RUKiddingMe*

          Racism in the US is pretty historically, and contemporarily complex. It is in other places as well (Brasil for ex) and kind of unique to each place that had African/Black slaves.

          If you aren’t from here…there’s lots of things we kind of take as a given that others dont.

          Husband has lived here almost 12 years and I find that on occasion he says something and though it seems innocuous on the surface has racist foundations and so I have to explain it to him.

          I think it’s like that everywhere though. Those from X just *know* ABC and those if us not from X need it explained.

        5. Observer*

          That’s clearly not the issue, though. The OP is specific that they don’t think that Princess is appropriate for a “grown woman”. And that they are “ridiculous”.

      2. Gen*

        Most names have a meaning somewhere in their history- Rory is ‘red king’, Orla is ‘golden princess’, William is ‘resolute protector’, Harold is ‘army leader’, etc etc. Like when surnames used to relate to people’s jobs – Cooper, Fuller, Faulkner, Wright. Most folks can say ‘Mr Harold Cooper’ without feeling awkward because he doesn’t have an army or a barrel repair business.

    5. Phoenix Programmer*

      There’s no need to be rude to OP. They wrote in for advice. It’s a good thing they did because what they were thinking was not the way to go but that doesn’t mean they need to get over themselves.

      This is an advice column. People will write in with bad ideas. We still need to be nice to them as we advise per the commenting rules.

    6. Pippa*

      I agree with you, Anastasia, but cannot keep myself from adding one admittedly trivial thing: ‘Fatima’ means ‘one who weans a baby’, rather than ‘queen’. (But it’s popular as a name because it was the name of the Prophet Muhammad’s daughter, not because of the literal meaning, of course).

      Names are interesting because they’re so very socially important and can convey so many different things about ethnic identity, aesthetics, genealogy, religion…. Mocking someone’s name is egregiously ignorant, and it’s nice to see pretty much the entire AAM commentariat agree on this!

      1. Constanze*

        Yep about mocking someone.

        I had a coworker who was really shocked when we had a new intern called Islam. “Why do people insist on calling attention to their religion like that, nobody needs that etc…”.

        This coworker’s name was Christian.

        1. Nervous Accountant*

          Pls pls tell me someone pointed the irony out to him?

          I admit I bristled so hard @ reading letter 1… like ugh.

        2. Hey Karma, Over Here*

          I don’t care if this story is true, but oh my god please let this story be true!!! Did he ever catch on to the irony?

          1. Constanze*

            This is absolutely true.
            And although on the whole, this story is quite sad and representative of the way muslims can be treated, I really like telling it. The irony is just too good.

            I did call out my colleague on it. He did not seem to think there was any irony in it because “Christianity is really different” or some other malarkey.

      2. NYer, the Upstate Kind*

        I think that most names have a story behind them even if it is just my mom liked it. I have the blandest of American names and even I have a back story.

    7. RUKiddingMe*

      I know several males named Angel and one woman, though most people assume and call her Angela until she corrects them. It’s pretty common-ish name for males in some latino/hispanic cultures. FTR the one woman just ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ and says “it’s Angel actually.”

      No one seems to have an issue with them bring named after “heavenly/divine” beings. I don’t see why anyone would get all knotted up over royal names. I mean I think “Angel” beats up “Princess” in the hierarchy. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

    8. Michaela Westen*

      I’ve known 3 people named Queenie. Two in real life, one was a character in a book.

    9. Dust Bunny*

      I’m as white as they come but have an obscure, faintly “ethnic”-sounding name that people frequently misspell, mispronounce, and misinterpret. And, frankly, I suspect a lot of people are just too lazy to learn it.

      Suck it up and call them by their proper names. Stop making this All About You. It’s not. There is zero reason for you to be uncomfortable with this.

  13. EllaHCP*

    OP1 – Alyson’s advice is spot on. Beyond that, having served several healthcare institutions across the US I would hazard a guess that this might be in reference to Filipino coworkers, as they tend to be heavily recruited as nurses in US hospitals. I’ve had a number of Filipino colleagues, with the exact names you spoke of. It’s a cultural convention, one which sounds initially funny to English-speakers not familiar with the culture, but is very common. This article has a lot more detail if you’re interested: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/programmes/from_our_own_correspondent/9435751.stm

    2. Mystery Bookworm*

      Yup. My first thought was also that these are not uncommon names in Filipino communities.

      But regardless of any historical background or context, we should still strive to call people what they want to be called.

    3. Tiny Soprano*

      The only time it’d be a problem was if it was indeed a common name in a certain place and you then had multiples of the same name you needed to differentiate between. But even then you still might have Princess from Radiology and Princess from A&E without having to do away with someone’s first name at all, the same as if you had two or three Matts.

    4. Femme D'Afrique*

      Zimbabwe (and, to a certain extent, many other Southern African countries) also have names that come across as unusual to outsiders. I do get the initial startled response to names one hasn’t heard before, or names that are phrases or titles, but making fun of them is not the way to go, obviously. It’s someone’s name. Call them that.

      Here’s an article about Zimbabwean names:
      https://www.csmonitor.com/World/Africa/2015/0512/What-s-in-a-name-For-Zimbabweans-it-s-Obvious

    6. CoveredInBees*

      Also common in many parts of English-speaking Africa. I worked with a woman named Princess who was born in Ghana. It is actually pretty common worldwide but if you’re not a native speaker of the language they are naming in, you won’t notice.

  14. Zelocity*

    OP 1 – As a fellow member of the healthcare field, my firm opinion is that you have to call your colleagues by their chosen name. There is no way for you to dispute their chosen name without appearing insensitive, racist, and unprofessional. The baseline rule that I subscribe to is that jokes about an individual’s name or body (expand on this list as you see fit) are not appropriate in a professional setting. Please apply the spirit of this rule to your situation.

    2. Sleepytime Tea*

      I get prickly when people call me by a nickname I don’t like after specifically introducing myself as something and then even specifying that I DO NOT go by that nickname. I don’t care if you don’t like someone’s name. And feeling bad for them that they have it? For all you know they love their name. Maybe they were named after someone special in their family. Maybe they just like the way it sounds. You’re right that they didn’t choose it, but if you hate your name you can easily ask people to call you by a nickname or a middle name or something. Don’t assume that someone with a name like Princess or whatever else is secretly ashamed or embarrassed by it. If they wanted to be called something different, they would likely go by that.

  15. Flash Bristow*

    OP1: my real first name is Flash. As you can imagine it gets a lot of attention on first meeting (from people who aren’t polite enough to just accept it, anyway) and as I always say, it’s just a name! Start using it and in a few days’ time it’ll be as significant (or otherwise) as Sarah or Jane.

    Also, you don’t get any say in someone’s name! Would you really say “I find your name, Princess, hard to process – so I’ll be calling you Priscilla from here on”?

    Bear in mind, too, that it might work both ways. Suppose that your own name reminded a colleague of a school bully or an abuser. Or perhaps your name is shared with a loved one who died. Names have all kinds of connections, but I think the best you can do is to be courteous, not make a fuss – and in return expect others to call you by your name without issue too.

    1. Edith*

      This. I’ve been accused of forgetting an acquaintance’s name by third parties who thought I was saying “hey you!” instead of “hey Yu!” It’s a thing that happens with names sometimes. But the risk that a bystander might misconstrue things is far outweighed by every person’s right to the dignity of being called by their name.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Apologies for a humorous side track: A friend went to school with a guy named Acar. In the grand tradition of college students, he was quickly nicknamed Truck. Friend says when someone tried to get his attention outside, passersby would look around for an approaching vehicle…in the grand tradition of college students, this was hilarious. ;)

    2. Phoenix Programmer*

      That’s a really good point about name connections. Even names like John can carry baggage for some.

      1. Story Nurse*

        For me it’s Bob, to the point where I had a calligraphed button made that said “BOB-FREE ZONE”.

        I’ve been very fortunate not to have to work with too many Bobs. When I do, I cope. It’s not their fault that I have a particularly lousy Bob in my history.

        1. Flash Bristow*

          I know the feeling. I had an abuser with the same first name as my mother’s maiden name. Doesn’t come up very often but yesterday I was on the phone to my bank, they asked the question and I had an “…oh” *gulp* moment, from being unexpectedly triggered.

          But that’s nobody’s fault, so you deal and move on. You have to, tbh.

          1. Bagpuss*

            Can you change the security question? (I mean, your answer to it) – the purpose of those questions is to have something which is easy for you to remember and hard for other people to guess – perhaps you could switch and use your grandmother’s maiden name, or father’s middle name , instead.
            I don’t use my Mum’s maiden name (in my case, partly for increased security but mostly because I got bored with the fact that people would argue with me about the pronunciation/spelling)

            1. Strawmeatloaf*

              Or don’t use a name at all. All they’re looking for is the answer that was put down, not the correct one.

              So you do this: What’s your mother’s maiden name?
              mounteverest

              Where would you like to visit?
              Orange

              What street did you live on?
              Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
              *don’t do this one, would probably be too long

      2. Rusty Shackelford*

        I remember, many years ago when I was an admin, helping a new employee get set up. I told her it would take a while for her personalized note pads to be ready, but in the meanwhile, she was welcome to use the ones left behind by her predecessor, Robert Andrew*. She flinched and said “my ex husband’s name is Robert and my ex boyfriend’s name is Andrew, so I’d rather not, thanks.”

        *Not his real name

      3. The Original K.*

        I have a terrible ex named Mike. This isn’t a big deal – I have a lot of distance from the relationship, lots of people are named Mike, and I know more good Mikes than bad ones – but when I started at a previous job, I was looking over a vendor list and saw that one of the vendors had the same first and last name of my terrible ex and I thought “OH NO.” A quick LinkedIn check assured me that it was a different person and I breathed a huge sigh of relief.

        (Logically I realized that the odds were against it being the same guy – the vendor didn’t do the same kind of work my ex did and I had moved states by then – but still, there was a brief flash of panic.)

      4. Rikki Tikki Tarantula*

        My high school frenemies were Victoria and Stephanie. I have no issues with the names in real life, but I’ve retaliated against them in my fiction by giving those names to mean girl characters.

      5. EvilQueenRegina*

        My horrible ex from university was called Andrew, but went by Astro to his friends because he studied astrophysics and there was another Andrew in his friendship group so they both had nicknames to differentiate them. In the job where I had two coworkers called Andrew, it wasn’t an issue because it’s a common name that I’m always going to keep coming across in different contexts, these guys are nothing to do with my ex and just happened to share the same name, I saw them as different people and didn’t connect them to him.

        However, I did have some gritting teeth moments regarding the nickname Astro – I used to watch the TV show Fringe, and for anyone who doesn’t know it, there was a character called Astrid, and another character, Walter, had a real mental block over her name and was always calling her things like Asterisk, Asteroid etc. Quite a few times, Walter called Astrid Astro. It bugged me when he used that one, and I gritted my teeth, but I knew it was coincidence and it didn’t bother me enough to actually quit watching over it.

        I only really started thinking of it as an issue when my SO warned me that a character in the book I was about to start reading was called Kris (without getting into that whole saga, Kris is the name of someone he had history with and isn’t exactly my favourite person). At the time, I didn’t understand it – as far as I was concerned it was just a coincidence, the character shared the name but was nothing to do with that person, and it bothered me more that he’d made an issue out of it and thought it would be a big deal to me than that the character had the name in the first place.

        Later I realised, actually I could see how I might have given him the impression that it would be an issue. Not long before we got together, he’d thought he was going to get together with someone called Gordon who had then abruptly ended it. I’d inadvertently upset him in a conversation about Gotham by referring to the character Jim Gordon as “Gordon” without thinking, and felt so guilty about it that I’d vowed that if I was ever talking about that character again I’d call him Jim. Even long after we got together and Gordon the Moron was ancient history, I still found myself only using Jim to refer to that character. I’d tried not to draw attention to it, but then realised that maybe I’d been more obvious than I’d thought, and he thought the name bothered me.

    3. Not Australian*

      The most you can do is ask if they have a nickname you can use. Otherwise, yes, I’m afraid it’s a case of getting over yourself as quickly as possible.

    4. StellaBella*

      I had a high school biology teacher who named her son Flash (this was in the 70s, I think – not sure when he was born) but she got to pick the name if the baby was a boy and her husband got to pick it if it was a girl. It was awesome as their last name was that of the super hero and I was always jealous of that kid. :) I love your name.

    5. EventPlannerGal*

      “You don’t get any say in someone’s name!”

      +1 to this paragraph especially! OP – even aside from your impulse to mock these people’s names, which has been covered extensively here, think about this logically. What other option do you think you have here?

      Refusing to use their names at all is both rude and impractical, especially if there are many people in your workplace with names like this – you can’t call them all “hey you” forever. You cannot ask them to go by a different name. If you start calling them all “Ms. Jones” or something, that will only draw attention to your refusal to use their given names. At most you could ask if they have a nickname, but that – or any of these options – will not really do anything to lessen your discomfort in the long run. You really don’t have any polite or acceptable way to avoid using people’s names simply because you don’t like them, and the reason for that is that it’s not an acceptable thing to do.

      The best way to deal with this is exactly as Alison says: just use the names. They will become more “normal”-feeling to you the more you use them, and it’s just basic respect.

    6. RUKiddingMe*

      Exactly. My neighbors, a couple have names that remind me of other people.

      His is the same as my abusive step-dad’s and hers is that of my deceased son (a female version, but the nick name is the same…think something like “Chris”).

      I deal with it and them. They are lovely oeople and I consider them friends. Their names belong to them not my step-dad and son.

    7. Serin*

      I once knew a woman named Krista whose in-laws said, “Krista doesn’t seem like a real name to us. We’re going to call you Kristin.” So disrespectful! I would have really hesitated to marry into that family, honestly.

      1. RUKiddingMe*

        OMG! Who the hell did they think they were? Did she correct them? As in “no, my name is Krista and thst’s what I answer to.” What about her fiancé/husband? Sorry this just pisses me off all the way through the other side of the internet.

    8. Ciela*

      hey Flash, that’s a great name. :)
      I once knew someone named “Justice Powers”. When we first met, I did tell him that his name was awesome. Internally, I thought it would be a great super hero name.

  16. Karyn*

    “My boss has told that, other than the cabinets, I’m an outstanding employee who often goes above and beyond my job description. I possess an essential skill set, but the cabinets are holding me back.”

    Your boss is gaslighting you. He’s using the cabinets as an excuse to not promote you or give you a raise, when the task itself is trivial. “Oh, I’d absolutely give you a better performance review, except that you keep forgetting this one piece!” When there’s apparently no reason for the cabinet to be locked in the first place. If there were, the key wouldn’t hang on the side of the durn thing!

    You’ve been there two years, you’re a go-getter. Look for a new job.

    1. nom de plume*

      Yes, thank you – I said the exact same thing above. Boss *IS* abusive, and this is absolutely gaslighting. There is no rational reason for his demands that can’t be accommodated with a better system.

      If not the cabinets, it would be something else. OP, GTFO of there. Your boss is abusive.

      1. Loose Seal*

        Would it be something else though? OP has been there two years. She says they were instructed it was her responsibility to lock up the cabinets two months into the job. OP has had plenty of time to see if the boss is unreasonable or overly demanding or abusive about anything else. She doesn’t mention any other issue. Surely if the boss got his rocks off on abusing his employees, there would have been another example in that time frame.

        Boss is handling this poorly, no doubt. But there isn’t any evidence to show (at least from the letter) that if OP successfully locks the cabinets every day from now on, that the boss will move on to some other method of torturing her.

        1. Hey Karma, Over Here*

          Building on this, though, the boss can be using OPs willingness to come in as a test to see if she, well, will put up with his shit. How much of his shit she will put up with. And how closely she is willing to look at his shit and call it shit. Boss found himself a good, steady worker and and easy way to keep her right there.

    2. Dr Wizard, PhD*

      I agree. It’s all about control. If it wasn’t the cabinet it would be something else.

      What’s the clue: ‘You should have *obviously known* the written instructions were wrong and that it was your job.’

      I’d go so far as to say OP should make plans to get out and get something better, because this won’t stop. She shouldn’t have to feel hounded about this ridiculous cabinet all the time.

    3. Loose Seal*

      I thought gaslighting was making you believe that something else happened when you know it did not. Perhaps I have the definition wrong but I fail to see what the boss is doing is gaslighting. He told her two months into her employment that locking the cabinets is her responsibility. She admits that she has forgotten numerous times. He has told her this is a serious performance issue. Just because she (and most of the commentariat, it seems) believe it’s trivial, doesn’t change the fact that it is clearly now part of her job duties.

      In most jobs, if you don’t perform your duties satisfactorily at minimum, you don’t get promoted. In fact, at many jobs, if you fail to meet expectations repeatedly, you are let go. It does not matter if you think those duties are trivial. If you stay there and take the paycheck, then you have to do those duties (if they aren’t illegal or immoral, as is unlikely when it comes to cabinet-locking).

      1. Zweisatz*

        Yeah it’s not. Gaslighting would be e.g. if he opened the cabinet repeatedly after the LW left and would then tell her she left it open and make her responsible for it.

        To head off any fanfiction: I do NOT believe this is what’s happening judging by what the LW described.

        But it’s fine. We can acknowledge that what the boss is asking (driving 40 minutes back to work when there’s a person present who could close the cabinet) is unreasonable even when it’s not a concerted campaign.
        We can further acknowledge that this procedure is at best quite ineffective, if everybody in the company knows where the keys are.

        LW, seeing as you’re an outstanding employee if it wasn’t for this Terrible Cabinet Issue I concur with Alison that you could benefit from looking closely if this is the only weird issue with your boss or if signs point to a general mistreatment, which could be better resolved by looking for a different job (easier said than done, as usual).

        1. Colette*

          Agreed. Making the OP drive back is ridiculous (particularly to lock a cabinet where the keys are readily available) – but there’s no sign that the boss is gaslighting her, or even a terrible boss. Maybe he is, but maybe he just really wants the OP to remember to lock the cabinet. Bosses have idiosyncrasies. A different boss may not want the OP to wear headphones, or not allow eating at her desk, or require her to call in and talk to a person when she’s sick. This boss cares about the cabinet.

          If the boss cares about everything being done exactly how he wants, maybe the OP should consider whether it’s time to move on. If it’s just the cabinet, she should throw her car keys in the cabinet when she gets to work so that she doesn’t forget to lock it when she leaves.

      2. Super dee duper anon*

        I wouldn’t say it’s the best term to use in this situation (gaslighting), however I do believe it’s somewhat applicable to the fact that the boss is trying to making the OP believe that this is a legitimately critical task, that having an employee drive 40min back to the office is an appropriate form of punishment (and management technique) and that the cabinets alone are holding her back in her career. The boss is trying to gaslight the OP into not trusting their own (completely reasonable) assessment of the situation as a whole.

        That all said, I do believe term gets thrown around inappropriately quite often

      3. Karyn*

        Here’s why I say that it’s gaslighting: Boss says that remembering to lock the cabinet is such an important task that it’s this one thing holding back an otherwise stellar employee. But it can’t actually be so all-fired important that the cabinet be locked if the keys are kept right next to it, and anyone can lock or unlock it as needed.

        It’s not that he’s pretending a *fact*–unlocking the cabinet and saying she never locked it–it’s that he’s pretending an importance that isn’t accurate.

        If it is, as suggested above, important that the cabinet be locked after hours because of possible break-ins or that it’s a fire safe that needs to be locked to ensure effectiveness, then there are other solutions. Everyone unlocks it and re-locks it at every use, and after hours the key goes somewhere else. Or last one out locks it, and moves the key somewhere else. Or OP locks it at 6 pm, and the key is handed off to the manager, who leaves it somewhere else when he leaves.

        If this task was really super-important, and it was a huge problem that OP (otherwise a stellar employee) had missed it fewer than half a dozen times in two years, then a good boss would help figure out a better system. This is why I say that if it weren’t this task, there would be some other reason he’s not giving you a raise or promoting you. There’s be something else ‘holding you back’.

        1. LJay*

          But why does there need to be other solutions/a better system when the OP has been told that their responsibility is to lock the cabinet, and they’re not doing that?

          The OP was told to lock the cabinet before they leave. Why does it matter where the key is going after that? Whether it is handed off to a manager, or locked in a drawer, or hanging on the side of the cabinet? They would still need to remember to lock the cabinet, which they are not doing right now. They presumably would forget to hand it off or lock it in the drawer or do whatever else to it as well.

          (And likely the reason for not having an “everyone unlocks it and relocks it when they get what they need” or “last one out locks it” method for dealing with it is accountability. It’s easier to ensure that something important gets done if one person is responsible for it and can be held accountable for it rather than if the person responsible shifts constantly and could fall to someone who might not even realize that they are responsible. Or when everyone swears, “but I didn’t use the cabinet today,” or “Well I used it but I know I locked it afterwards,” but clearly someone didn’t.)

          And missing it fewer than half a dozen times in two years is still missing it, and missing it enough that if it were for compliance or safety issues that in most places I’ve worked a person would be fired by now.

          If the payroll clerk misses processing someone’s payroll once every two months would that just be okay because they did most of it right most of the time? Or would you expect them to have a method of double checking in place to ensure that everyone got paid on time?

          Why is it the bosses responsibility to come up with a better system rather than the OP’s responsibility to come up with a way to stop forgetting to do one of their assigned tasks? Why would I want to promote someone that foists responsibility for completing one of their simple tasks back on me rather than making sure that it’s done? How could I know that they are going to be responsible enough for taking on increased and higher level duties when they can’t do the ones they have now?

          1. EventPlannerGal*

            “If the payroll clerk misses processing someone’s payroll once every two months would that just be okay because they did most of it right most of the time? Or would you expect them to have a method of double checking in place to ensure that everyone got paid on time?”

            You’re talking about somebody failing to perform a function that is objectively a central part of their job; a payroll clerk processes payroll, and if they don’t do that they are failing at the main point of their job. The OP, however, is not employed as the One And Only Ordained Locker Of The Cabinet with that being the main purpose of her job; locking the cabinet is a minor task that has been assigned to her role alongside whatever other tasks and projects she is employed to do.

            In an ideal world, yes, every employee would perform every task perfectly every time, no matter how minor, but in reality people will occasionally make mistakes or forget something and it’s important to maintain a sense of perspective. If you worked with me and told me that you had a high-performing employee with key skills who often went above and beyond their role, but you would never promote them because they occasionally forgot to lock a cabinet, I would seriously question your judgement.

          2. JD*

            IDK, I had a part time job where I had, hang on, 6 or 7 paychecks during my time there and every. single. one. was late or short in some way. And my boss seemed to think I should be OK with that because I always got paid the right amount eventually. I didn’t think it was OK, and left the job. But no one got in trouble over it. (But also, apart from the central/incidental issue EventPlannerGal pointed out, OP is messing up about 1% of the time, and missing payroll once every two months is about 25% of the time, assuming once every two weeks or twice a month payrolls. Really the two situations are so different I’m having trouble assuming that you’re arguing in good faith.)

            Why would you promote someone failing to do an assigned task 1% of the time? Because that person is otherwise a “stellar employee”, that’s why. And it’s on the boss to come up with a better system because even if OP was doing the assigned task 100% of the time without error, the system is still failing *because the keys are right there.*

  17. mythbri*

    OP1, happily there is no reason for you to try to deal with any of your coworkers’ names with humor or give yourself any nicknames as a joke. Because there isn’t anything funny about their names, and by avoiding those coworkers you’re actually deepening your level of discomfort rather than reducing it. The more you address your coworkers with respect, with their names, the less strange it will seem to you.

  18. Holly*

    Just want to note for #1 that names like these I’ve seen in Chinese communities (Happy or Queenie come to mind personally). It’s not as weird as you think – just call them by their name!

        1. LawBee*

          Or the girl I went to college with whose middle name was Sunshine – and she went by Sunshine instead of her very common first name. It was unusual for the first few minutes as I made up the crap for her door, but then it was just her name.

    2. DaniCalifornia*

      I’ve also seen this with some Chinese grad students we mentored. They sometimes pick an English name if they know people will have a hard time saying their real name and it can be a word they find interesting or beautiful or something they’ve read but don’t quite know the history of in America. We had lots of Summers, Autumns, Mays, month and season names. That and we had several semesters with lots of Rachels, Joeys, Monicas and Ross’ (That group really liked a certain 90s sitcom)

  19. Lady Blerd*

    LW3, you have my sympathy because I’m notorious for leaving cabinets unlocked, is like I get tunnel vision when I leave work. But it’s a security breach when that happens so my direct reports lock things up and I don’t open anything when I work alone if I didn’t have to. I’ve turned back on my way home because I was certain I left things open. The initial write up is dumb but you need to find a system.

    2. anonagain*

      The car keys idea is brilliant.

      I was wondering, too, if there aren’t locks that automatically engage when the door is closed and you just use a key or code or whatever to open them. In other words, as long as the cabinet is closed, it’s locked.

      I don’t think that would help the letter writer, because they would need to persuade the boss, but it sounds like you’re the boss and maybe something like that would be useful for you (if it met security requirements).

      1. The Man, Becky Lynch*

        They sound like personnel files. Sadly the rule is it needs to be behind double locks, even though it defeats the whole purpose to have the keys being communal. I’ve got a desk drawer for that and I leave my regular keys in there too.

  20. Someone Else*

    OP1 does this help?
    Are you comfortable calling someone Rex or Regis? If you are, then King is no different. If the same word in Latin feels name-ey enough then using it in English should be name enough as well.

    1. AcademiaNut*

      I don’t think that’s really true. Sure, the names have the same root meaning, but the first one is mostly associated with a name to English speakers, while the second is not for a large fraction of them. The discomfort comes from using a word that you automatically associate with a word in your native language, rather than a given name.

      It’s the same way that when you meet someone whose first name is John, you don’t automatically thing “toilet” and have to stifle giggles, because it’s a familiar name, but if you encounter someone named Table your brain automatically goes “wait – what?”.

      You do need to learn to stifle your reactions and call people by their name with a straight face, however, particularly if you work in an international or multi-cultural environment. It does get easier with practice.

      1. Someone Else*

        Yes, I understand all of that, but I was trying to help OP reframe it in their mind. Iwas intentionally giving examples that are not an issue of “root meaning” (like for example Michael means “like g-d” but I’m not suggesting that as an example for being comfortable for a person whose name is literally Godlike). Take words that are a literal translation, not associated as “names” in one language but just regular words.
        I suppose we could even go another direction:
        Cooper, Hunter, Parker – both words and names. It shouldn’t feel weird. It doesn’t matter if it’s “familiar” or not. The end goal is person says my name is XXX, then that’s their name. If OP is in the US, we’re not a country where you need to register a name or a name needs to be governmentally sanctioned as “a name”. So the mindset of deciding “gee this word is a name but that other one isn’t” isn’t helpful. Someone says “that’s my name” you call them that. Does it feel weird? Well here are examples that probably don’t. so use those to try to stop feeling weird before offending someone over their name.

  21. nnn*

    A self-psychology idea for #1:

    Do a LinkedIn search for people with the same given names you feel awkward about, and look at all their accomplishments. Just spend some time immersed in the profiles of skilled professionals named Princess. Read highlights out loud to yourself, using the name every time. “Princess graduated summa cum laude.” “Princess was recently appointed Chief Teapot Officer.”

    You can also work on making sure your internal monologue about work includes your colleagues’ names, factually and neutrally. “I’m working Friday and Princess is working Saturday.” “Princess is taking care of the patient in room 305.” The habit should form quickly enough, and then it won’t feel awkward any more.

  22. PurpleMonster*

    Hopefully not derailing, but I found #1 interesting, because in New Zealand where I live you aren’t allowed to register names that are also titles. So Sir, Princess, King, etc. are out. There have been quite a few cases of people trying to find ways around not being able to name their kid Justice (title for a judge) and being denied.

    What about those names makes you uncomfortable? It’s just a name, even though it seems a bit peculiar to you. Maybe it’s worth examining that, and if you can figure that out you might feel easier about it. But there’s no other way round it – you have to call people by their correct names.

    1. Approval is optional*

      Sort of makes sense in a country that has a monarch, and that perhaps still confers knighthoods, or at least has some living knights/dames.

      1. Teapot PR consultant*

        Exactly. Australia has a similar rule that says you can’t give a baby a name that corresponds to a title recognised in Australia — so Sir, Princess, Majesty and Captain would be out.

    2. Mia_Mia*

      OP1: call them by the name they ask you to call them. No inserting humor into a situation that isn’t humorous, just say their name when you need to and you won’t be rude. Those names really aren’t unusual. As others said, there are plenty of title names in use. For example, Prince’s first name was, in fact, Prince.

      1. AFPM*

        This was my first thought too – and you wouldn’t think of calling him anything but that (even though he famously changed his name to the symbol for a while). I also heard an interview with Chris Martin (from Coldplay) on Howard Stern, and Howard was making fun of his daughter Apple’s name, and Chris said that every name started somewhere, and should be respected. It’s perfectly normal.

    3. Phoenix Programmer*

      I know for me I find pet names uncomfortable because it’s an intimate nickname and I’m a private person.

      But I still use their names and don’t avoid them or anything. My discomfort is simply something to deal with.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        But the names we’re discussing are not pet names. “Pet” names are nicknames. These are people’s given names.

        1. Hmmm*

          I think Phoenix Programmer’s point is that “Princess” and “Honey” are frequently used as pet names. Even if it is someone’s name, it doesn’t change the fact that some people use the same words for pet names. I can see how that would make someone uncomfortable, but agree that using someone’s name is the only course.

      1. WS*

        (Australian – we have the same rules here): King as a surname is fine. This law only applies to people choosing a name in NZ or Australia – so Jane King can’t change her name to Justice King or call her child Princess King, but Baron King can move here from the US with no problems.

      2. GermanCoffeeGirl*

        Naming laws/restrictions usually only apply to babies born in that country. Germany has strict naming laws for babies born in Germany – for example, you can’t name your child Jesus if you or your partner aren’t from a Spanish/Hispanic country (if one or both parents were from Spain (for example), naming their child Jesús would be allowed).
        If somebody from Argentina named Jesús Schmidt moved to Germany and worked here, they wouldn’t have to change their name.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          I’m curious – are there exceptions for naming a child after a beloved family friend? I knew someone named after his mother’s best friend’s husband who died young & childless. It did lead to a mismatched name-ethnicity.

          1. GermanCoffeeGirl*

            You have to register your child’s birth and their name at the birth registry of your city/town (usually at town hall) and the registrar decides if the name is allowed or not. The decision is based on different factors, e.g if the name forbidden/against the law, has a court ruled that the name is allowed/forbidden, does it match the child’s assigned gender at birth, etc.). If a registrar refuses the name (for example due to a mismatched name-ethnicity) it’s possible to contest the decision and go to court. So depending on the registrar is might be possible to get an exception.

            But depending on the name mismatched name-ethnicity isn’t always a problem – French or English names can be used without the parents being from a French or English speaking country.

    5. OlympiasEpiriot*

      In Spain, if you wanted to name a child by a name that wasn’t officially Spanish, you had to prove (in a legal context) that (a) the name is an “accepted” name and not “just made up”; (b) there was no equivalent name in Spanish (like the Swedish Katerina would be named Catalina in Spain); and, (c) you had a specific reason for naming your kid this. I recall a family from the UK who wanted to name their daughter Samantha, I think. I was bewildered because I knew Samanthas from more than one Hispanic country. Spain was on a whole other level.

      1. DaniCalifornia*

        That seems a bit too high maintenance. Was the UK family successful in naming their daughter Samantha? If not,, remind me to never have a baby in Spain!

        1. OlympiasEpiriot*

          I can’t recall. It was around the time I was moving away and I only knew them slightly. I’ll ask a friend who knew them better and post something next w/e open thread.

    6. Strawmeatloaf*

      There are some names that they have ruled that you can’t name your children here too though.

      Adolf Hitler for one.

      There aren’t a lot of restrictions, but there are some.

  23. L.*

    OP 1. Please address people by their name, or the name they introduce themselves (or are introduced) as.

    While not on the same level as far as name origins go, my name is something akin to “Mary Beth”. If I introduce myself as such, that’s what I expect to be called. Only people I’m fairly familiar with get to call me “Mary”. And only people I’m close to get to call me “Mar”.

    I was once in a two day meeting lead by one of the VPs of the company (about 4 levels above me). Day one, he called me “Mary Beth.” Day two, he jumped all the way up to “Mar” and it made me uncomfortable because it implied a level of close-ness that I was uncomfortable with after only knowing him a day. However, because he was one of the VPs, and I’d only have another 8 hours or so of interaction, I just rolled with it.

    1. sheworkshardforthemoney*

      I really dislike nicknames for that reason. It implies a level of closeness which I don’t have with my co-workers or people I don’t know.

      1. Quoth the Raven*

        I’m the opposite — I don’t really like people calling me by my full name instead of my nickname because, with the exception of a handful of people out there, it makes me feel they’re mad at me. I introduce myself as “Jess”, not “Jessica”, and I would want that honoured.

        It feels really patronising when people insist on calling me “Jessica” because “Jess”, to them, sounds childish/immature/unprofessional — and it’s not even a name that carries a strong cultural/family background, as might be the case for OP1’s coworkers. Personal opinions about someone’s name do not trump their right and desire to be addressed as they choose to present themselves.

        1. SarahTheEntwife*

          This might be hair-splitting, but to me “Jess” then isn’t quite a nickname — it’s your name, which happens to be a shortened form of your full legal name. I’m also vaguely uncomfortable with nicknames among coworkers, but the two Jenn’s at my workplace are just…Jenn. Calling them Jennifer would make me feel like I was their mother and they hadn’t cleaned their room. But I would never call Matthew Matt because that’s not the usual name he uses at work and it would feel weird and over-familiar since we’re not outside-of-work friends.

          1. londonedit*

            I use a shortened version of my name because I really don’t like my full first name. I don’t feel that it suits me. To the extent that most people I’ve met in the last 18 years, since I went to university, aren’t even sure what the full version of my first name is. I’d change my name legally to the shortened version that I use all the time, if it wasn’t for the fact that I know it upsets my mother that I’m not keen on the full name my parents gave me.

            Yet some people I’ve only just met will still insist on asking ‘Oh, is it short for [say] Alexandra?’ and then calling me Alexandra. Which I find quite rude. If I tell someone what my name is, that’s the name I expect them to use. I don’t expect them to find a different name that they decide they’d rather call me.

        2. Constanze*

          Most of the time, especially in a work context, I will not call someone by a diminutive of their first name, even if I hear people around using it, until specifically asked by the person.

          It is not because I think it is not professional, but I don’t want to assume anything about their name. As far as I know, they are called William, not Bill. Until they tell me Bill is fine, I will call them William.

            1. londonedit*

              Yeah, I’m always very careful to make sure that HR and IT use my preferred name whenever I start a new job. At my first ever job, I didn’t know you could do that, so everything was set up with my full first name, and even though I had my preferred name on my email signature people would still use the ‘wrong’ version. So now I have my preferred name on my CV (back in the olden days I didn’t realise you could do that, either – I thought it was an ‘official document’ so you had to use your ‘full name’, i.e. the one on your birth certificate) and I make sure that before I start a new job, I let them know that I want my shortened name to appear in the company directory, my email address, etc.

        3. DaniCalifornia*

          I get this. So many people ask my why I don’t go by Danielle and if I hate it. Nope. I’ve just never been called that in my 30 plus years of living! It’s not so much that I don’t like it, it’s more that when someone said Danielle it wasn’t directed at me. When they call me by my full first name I often won’t answer because it doesn’t register in my head.

          I know this is one of the reasons that people will just name their kid Dani in the future and not have it be a nick name but I’m sure that kid will then spend the rest of their life explaining that ‘No my name is just Dani, and it’s not short for anything.’ as I’m sure do many a kid now named Will.

    2. aebhel*

      Yep. I have a long name that lends itself to nicknames, but I don’t use a nickname at work and I find it really off-putting when people apply nicknames to me without asking.

  24. Mommy MD*

    Cabinet Boss is a massive jerk. Set an alarm on your phone for 15 minutes before you usually leave to remind yourself. Your boss is a controlling piece of work.

    1. Corky's Wife Bonnie*

      Right, I actually do this. I leave at 5:00 so I set a reminder on my Outlook to go off at 4:45. It gets locked then and I never forget since I’ve set this alarm. I agree, he is a controlling piece of work.

  25. KT*

    Re: OP1 – I work with someone named Princess (who goes by Princess), and it’s never been awkward to use her name, because no one makes it awkward. The only reason it’s still awkward for you is because you’re dwelling on it. A name is a name and the less energy you spend on worrying about what your coworkers call themselves, the happier you’ll be.

    1. Not Alison*

      My boss’s mother-in-law was hired at our company and because she addressed the new hire as “Mom” we all called her “Mom” as well. And Mom became just a name, rather than a title (i.e. no one got all worked up by using the same pronunciation for her that they used for their own mother).

      I also worked with a woman nicknamed “Blah” and although that name seemed to have a negative connotation to me at first, after a while it just became her name and no one who worked with her thought anything of it.

  26. sheworkshardforthemoney*

    LW#1 Please address your co-workers’ with their correct name. Their name is their own and should be used in a professional setting. You can’t change it or bestow a nickname that makes you feel more comfortable. My name is fairly common but people often change it another variation of it because they “like” it better. It is beyond irritating.

  27. Tela*

    The only time I’ve skirted around a name was with a similar title to “King” and it was a very awkward relationship where “King” was a sexist toadhead who used his name to make women uncomfortable. Even then I felt so torn because I mean, its his name. But eventually his behavior was so bad that I was addressed him with “pardon me” to his face and used his name neutrally in discussion.

    I highly doubt any of the Princesses you work with are insisting you curtsey or making you feel awkward for breaking some royal protocol so I’d just move past it.

    1. PurpleMonster*

      Suddenly I’m reminded of the lady who wanted all her coworkers to refer to her partner as her ‘master’…can you imagine having a dick boss whose actual name was Master?!

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        And then there are all the Richards I have known & worked with who used the nickname you just used as an adjective. THAT made me uncomfortable — but I got over it and addressed them with a name that would be an insult in another context.

        1. EvilQueenRegina*

          I can remember a time when one headteacher of a local school said to another that even though he had introduced himself as Dick she couldn’t use that because it made him…Dick Aird.

          (He did use his full name professionally.)

  28. nnn*

    For #4, if you’re getting a lot of recurring pressure, the “don’t plan around me” script could be enhanced with “I just can’t commit to anything at this point.”

    Because you literally can’t. There are too many unknowns at this point, all of which you could elaborate on if you get pushback.

    Or you can say “If you need a definitive RSVP, I’ll have to decline, because I can’t commit to anything at this point.” And if they give you the “Well, stop by if you can,” you can say “If I can, but I can’t promise anything.” And then cheerfully stay home and enjoy your time with your baby, content in the fact that you’ve given them fair warning.

    1. Foreign Octopus*

      Yeah, I agree with this.

      It’s nice of the person to remember you and schedule around you but you’re going to have a new born and will probably be exhausted; use nnn’s scripts to thank her and get out of it. If I were you, I wouldn’t want the hassle of dressing up and heading out after having birthed a human.

    2. MLB*

      +1, and also OP, they CHOSE to re-schedule the party so don’t feel bad for declining. Your first priority is to yourself and your new baby. You really owe them nothing, including a guilty conscience.

    3. Consuela Schlepkiss*

      Yeah. I mean, this is so unreasonable an expectation by Planner that you can just respond with a shocked air using these lines, like no sensible person would ask this of you. And then promptly forget this party exists because you have way more important things to attend to.

    4. Ginger ale for all*

      I am not a parent but I have heard that you have to be very careful about taking young infants out in public because their immunity systems are not strong enough yet. If this true, just let your office know that you are going to do what is best for you and your baby by staying home.

      1. aebhel*

        Yeah–I mean, healthy newborns can go out in public, but a crowded holiday party, which will probably be inside, where they’re liable to have loads of people pawing over them? Not a great plan.

    5. OP 4*

      I particularly like this non-committal addition to the script. I live in the midwest, and any softening language when saying ‘no’ is always helpful.

      1. agmat*

        It’ll be flu season with the potential for bad weather. The first month is a hazy blur and you’ll most likely not know what day it is (not in a terrible way…this was just 6 months ago for me and I loved it, for the most part, but committing to anything that first month(s) should be 100% off limits).

        Be soft at first if you must, but be totally firm after that. What they are asking of you is completely ridiculous.

    7. Lucille2*

      Came here to say the same thing. There are so many unknowns before baby is born that it’s really difficult to make definitive social plans around that time. And even if you want to go, there’s always the possibility that baby will keep you up all that night or baby is not easily left in the care of others for more than a very short amount of time. And taking a young infant to a social event is not really a good idea. They are pretty vulnerable to viruses at that age, and people will want to coo over baby and ask to hold him/her. Some babies don’t like to be passed around or be around lots of new people so social situations can make them fussier than normal. Most people will understand why you’re not there.

  29. Shoe on My Cat*

    OP#3 I feel for you! I mean, if the keys are right next to the cabinets. What is even the point of locking them? And considering your boss is such a jerk about explaining your locking responsibities during the not-training …for 2 months?!! I would not be surprised if he made this up as a THING he could complain about since you were so good at everything else. Finally, again with regard to your coworkers claiming he’s a jerk, I would also not be surprised if HE unlocked the cabinets on purpose then called you in. For an hourly job, do not pick up the phone! He can leave a voicemail, you check it and answer at your leisure. If it’s a drive back here in bad weather, so sorry, voicemail messaging system went map looney with the icy weather. Get out!! Look for a new job ASAP

  30. Princess Cimorene*

    #1 – It’s not only professional to use your coworkers names and to get over how you feel about it, it also makes you a decent human being. Things are only “weird” because we say so. Once we normalize anything, it is no longer “unconventional” or weird and who truly is the key holder to convention anyway? If we stop allowing things to continue one way just because that’s the way it’s been done (always ask yourself, “and by whom?” Because who is being left out of, marginalized or hurt by “what’s always been done?”) then the things one group says aren’t right will no longer be not right, right?

    People’s names are what they are. Any supposed “rule” book about what people should be named is pretty arbitrary and subjective. Call people by their names (or what they want to be called. period) because surely you want to be a good person, no?

    1. Anoncorporate*

      I’m wondering if this person grew up I a very homogenous community and has trouble processing things that are remotely different from what they’re used to. Where I’m from, names like Princess and King would be unusual but people wouldn’t think twice about calling someone by their actual name. I’m really not a fan of LW1’s attitude is what I’m trying to say.

      1. Harper the Other One*

        Yes, I wanted to be sympathetic to the LW but it feels a bit mean spirited to suggest that you’ll sarcastically ask to be called an exaggerated mockery of someone’s actual name. It feels like those old, ugly jokes featuring “names” like Wanahockaloogee or Sum Hung Gai. OP, I don’t think you’re a terrible person but I do think you should examine your assumptions about what is “normal.”

    2. KC*

      +1000. I appreciate OP1 writing in to ask. It’s a learning experience, But when the letter mentioned diversity and what OP1 felt were odd names, it reminds me of the majority culture being uncomfortable, not understanding, anything “other”. As a society this has to stop.
      Incidentally I was married to a white guy named King and later a black woman named Shanika. Many awful assumptions were made about both people. It’s not ok.

  31. Talia*

    Not just academia and law; there’s one town government around here that for whatever reason insists on *three* letters of recommendation in your application materials for every position. I have thus only ever applied for one job there, when I was desperate. They’re the only ones in my field that do this and it *baffles* me every time I see a posting.

  32. Anoncorporate*

    I don’t understand LW1s discomfort. The only time I feel uncomfortable with someone’s name is if it has a bad/silly sound in it, like “Butt” or “Pupula”

    2. londonedit*

      We had a teacher at school whose first name was Richard, but he always went by Dick. It’s a fairly common, though slightly outdated, name in the UK. You can imagine the hilarity that ensued among the students every year when each new batch of kids arriving at the school discovered what that teacher’s first name was, yet he stuck with it, because it was his name.

        1. The Original K.*

          I know several Richards who go by Dick. They’re all my parents’ contemporaries (over 60). I would be surprised to meet a 25-year-old who went by Dick, but I think it’s a common nickname for that generation. (Dick Cheney, anyone?)

      2. Middle School Teacher*

        There’s a part in A Christmas Carol where Scrooge is with the ghost of Christmas past and sees his fellow apprentice, Dick Wilkins. There’s a lot of “oh, Dick! Dear Dick Wilkins! He was very attached to me, was Dick!” You can imagine how that went over with my grade 7s. (Small wonder that in the version of the play we saw, the apprentice’s name was changed to “Will”.)

    3. Delphine*

      Butt is a common last name in my parents’ country. It was funny to me as a child, when I moved back there after growing up in the US, but the more I heard it the more my brain realized that it’s a word that has two meanings. Familiarity and exposure are great ways to get past discomfort, I think. I’d advise the OP to use their coworkers’ names and use them freely! It’ll help change their mindset.

      1. Aitch Arr*

        There is an attorney in a nearby town who is named Richard J. Butts. The name is prominently displayed on the shingle outside his office. I giggle every time I drive by.

  33. Black Targaryen*

    Wow honestly OP1, as a black woman with a *very* non-white name that was/is often on the receiving end of comments, I implore you to resist all urges to “joke” around about people’s names. It’s not funny. It’s never funny. And I guarantee you anything you think is funny, they’ve already heard two hundred times. I don’t even know what my response would be if a coworker said call me “Empress Sweetie Boo” (or whatever “equally ridiculous” thing you think is witty, but know deep down actually isn’t). Sadly you’ll have to keep reining it in so as not to affend us PC snowflakes.

    Also, Alison was gracious in her answer by explaining cultural context. But I’m pretty sure you didn’t need it since you prefaced your dilemma by noting you work in a diverse environment.

    My comment might seem harsh but I’m not buying any naïveté you’re selling. Call us by our names, ridicule in your own time, and keep it moving.

      1. Lynca*

        It’s unfortunately not uncommon either. It’s baffling to see grown adults get twisted up over a name.

        1. Jules the 3rd*

          Except it’s not baffling, if you put it in context. Name-shaming is a tool to ‘other’ people, and maintain social and economic hierarchies. Think about all the studies that show resumes in the US with ‘non-white’ names get fewer call-backs and interviews than the same resume with a ‘white’ name.

          OP1 is at least *questioning* her discomfort, which is a start. Hopefully she’ll take all this as a push to examine her preconceptions, instead of shutting down.

    3. Princesa Lina Carabina*

      *Completely* agree.
      The whole “I work for a diverse place but don’t like calling people by their names because they’re not names in my culture” is the equivalent of “I’m not racist but…”

      I thought Alison was way nicer than the OP deserved frankly.

      OP1 -they’re people’s names, use them and stop being racist. It’s really simple.

      1. Black Targaryen*

        Exactly. And the whole “Is there anyway around this without being rude? I’m bad at using humor…” really set me off. Like, really? What are you going to do, make a joke every single time you have to interact with one of them?? Even on a practical level, that will get old *quick.* Which brings me to OP’s second solution. I can’t process the rationalization that our names are just sooo hilariously ridiculous that they’ll rather avoid the coworkers altogether. I’m eyerolling so hard.

        1. The Original K.*

          Yeah, the whole “is there any way to get around this without being rude?” question bugged me because it implies that OP knows it’s rude but wanted Alison’s permission to do it anyway.

          1. KC*

            No, not at all. Allison explained the history of the names. OP1’s question was coming from a place of racism, just because OP1 didn’t realize and has hopefully learned something, doesn’t make it any less racist. I think that kindly should’ve been explained.

            1. anony*

              What exactly do you think “is going to get you uncomfortably close to people you probably don’t want to be associated with” means? Read it again….

              1. Rice cakes*

                It sounds like she’s saying, “You’re going to be associated with racists” instead of “You are being racist.”

                1. Ask a Manager* Post author

                  It’s far more effective for me to be polite to letter-writers and still deliver the core message than to not. (See, for an illustration of this, the OP’s comment much further down this page.) And I want to be effective more than I want the satisfaction of taking someone to task (most of the time, at least).

            2. Foreign Octopus*

              I second what anony says here in response. I believe that Alison did kindly explain that by holding onto this “problem” with names, she’s skirting dangerously close to being associated with racists.

              1. Not All*

                She’s not “dangerously close”…she IS being associated with racists because she is acting racist. I’d bet my house that most of her coworkers are well aware of her feelings and believe her to be racist. Since she says she’s encountered this in every workplace it’s not like she just moved to a new area and doesn’t know how common it is.

                1. KC*

                  Alison my comment wasn’t trying to disparage you or your advice. As a faithful reader this is the only time I wish more was said. And I completely agree that being kind is necessary. IMO giving the history of something helps, but more context should be given. Giving OP1 the benefit of the doubt, I would’ve added that although she might innocently have no clue that what she is saying is racist, because of the history you explained, it is.

      3. Ice and Indigo*

        The thing that worries me is that OP says they’ve ‘had this issue in several jobs’ – meaning they’ve had ample time to get used to it. And they’re still ‘uncomfortable’.

        OP, it’s time to make an effort. Maybe you don’t feel you’re being racist, classist or anything else. But whatever is going in in your heart and mind, what is certain is that any responsible boss would consider you to be acting unprofessionally if you don’t keep this discomfort 100% to yourself and just call people by their literal names – and if you start joking about them or refusing to use them, you may find yourself in violation of anti-discrimination laws. If you won’t do it for Sir and Princess, do it for yourself, because if you don’t cut this out, you could get in very serious trouble.

    4. Pomona Sprout*

      I agree about the condescension. That “Empress Sweetie Boo” thing REALLY grated on me. At the risk of sounding mean, I think this o.p. needs to grow up a bit. Making fun of people’s names ( or even joking about doing it) is grade school level behavior, imo.

      As an aside, I once worked with a young woman named Duchess. I thought it was a lovely name, and nobody in that workplace ever batted an eyelash about calling her by her name.

      1. Pomona Sprout*

        P.S. The above was meant to be posted in response to Anoncorporate saying that the LW’s comments were condescending. Looks like I clicked on the wrong “reply” link!

    6. Jen*

      Yeah, I think calling a spade a spade inappropriate here. Every name OP mentions is a definitely a non-white coded name and most women I have encountered named “Princess” are blavk. If OP makes a deal over these names, they will come across as racially motivated. This is not being mean to OP, this is just plain truth. OP may not intend this but othering of names is a very common racial and socioeconomic microaggression (or overt aggression). Studies have shown people with non-white coded names receive discrimination in hiring and employment decisions.

      2. Flash Bristow*

        Very good point about the discrimination – I’ve seen examples where the same cv was submitted for jobs, once with a “white” name for the candidate, another time with a typically non-white name. The “white” candidate was progressed further than the other.

        That strikes me as sad. OP1, please don’t add to this discrimination, deliberately or otherwise.

        1. Jen*

          This is exactly what I was talking about above. Every single poster here is likely to do something that we don’t realize has a negative racial connotation. The way, I think, to react, isn’t to bluster and double down (I definitely wasn’t aware of that but that doesn’t mean it isn’t potentially something to avoid saying). I am going to look into it and consider dropping the phrase from my vocabulary.

          1. Jules the 3rd*

            yeah, do drop it. I’m an avid card player and came to that phrase through bridge, but I still avoid it now. Whether or not it started as a racial reference, it has become one over the years. Similar to the way that you shouldn’t use the word that means ‘slowly’ that is a close parallel to the n-word. Context has changed.

            1. Jen*

              Yep. Did some research. (I speak another language where the same kind of phrase is used but you refer to bread as bread, I wonder if there is another version in English, it has no such connotation in my other language). I think this is my point. Everyone may innocently commit microaggression, but the evil exists in your reaction and doubling down. If I were to choose to double down, my reaction would be inappropriate.

              1. Labradoodle Daddy*

                Another way of saying it that’s not offensive is “if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s a duck.” Hope that helps!

            2. Laura*

              I don’t think there’s a word that means slowly that sounds like the n-word. Do you mean a word that means stingy?

        2. Snarl Trolley*

          I had no idea this phrase had evolved racist tones – thank you for the heads-up! That’s a no-go from now on.

      4. Jennifer Juniper*

        Thank you, Alison, for giving context about certain names. I learned something today.

    7. Consuela Schlepkiss*

      All of this. All of it. OP 1’s question was all about how to make herself feel better for her inability to see her coworkers as humans fully due their humanity. Address them as people deserving their dignity. End of story.

      1. Consuela Schlepkiss*

        BTW my IRL name is a Romance-language word that indicates my father’s love for me. If I went by the English form, people like you would look askance and sneer. The reason people don’t do that now is because of the prestige of the original language. That is bound up in a lot of racist language politics. I have no patience for that.

    8. bloody mary bar*

      Agreed. I know Allison likes us to give letter writers the benefit of the doubt but I think she was too kind to LW1. White names are not inherently better or more appropriate than any other name, and it is racist to act otherwise.

      I don’t know what answer LW1 was expecting, since “use your coworker’s given name” has been an answer to many different letters over the years. Use your coworkers’ names–not pronouns or “hey you” or a made up name–and conduct yourself like a professional adult. It’s that simple.

      1. Black Targaryen*

        Yes, OP1 just wanted permission to behave like an arse. They know better, and hopefully will be better.

        2. Princess America*

          I wonder if LW appreciates the USA freedom to name our children what we want. In apartheid South Africa, black people were required to give children European first names. In some European countries, there are restrictions on given names.

          Celebrate the freedom, diversity, and creativity of given names in the USA.

          I hope that you are never a hiring manager.

    9. Justin*

      Thank you for all this.

      My best friend from college has a very African name (he’s not African, but is black), and my name is… well, you see what it is. I am sure there are other reasons, but I always wonder if his name has been a hindrance in his career, and it’s because of people who laugh at these sorts of things or dismiss them as non-serious.

  34. Natalie*

    #1…I used to be a teacher, and I had TONS of students with names that at first seemed kind of unusual to me, but usually within a week, they would simply have become that student’s name to me. The discomfort will pass, especially if you just start using the name.

    1. Foreign Octopus*

      Same! I’m an ESL teacher and I get this all the time but it’s not weird because it’s their name and I know that different cultures have different names. For example, Anna is a common name in most Western countries but in Asia I think it would be significantly less common and something that would stand out.

      OP, their names are their names and I think the only way you can move forward is just by accepting that. The more you use them, the less awkward it will sound but you can’t name them something else because that’s rude and racist, and you definitely can’t call yourself Emperor Sweetie Boo because, again, that’s rude and racist. Just try and embrace the cultural diversity you’re working in and, if you can’t do that, remember that if you have nothing nice to say, best not to say anything.

      Silence, in this case, will be your friend.

    2. Forking great username*

      Same. I actually have a student named King this year! I did think it was strange at first, but that quickly wore off just from regularly using it. And it doesn’t sound like an honorific or confusing thing because I say it with the same tone I would any other student’s name. (Actually, I often say it in a frustrated tone as he really likes to be out of his seat, start asking me about dabbing in the middle of a lesson, etc, haha. But that is neither here nor there. Teenagers.)

    3. CanuckCat*

      I have a teacher friend who says she only blinked at a student’s name once and that was more because she knew what the English-as-a-first-language kids might do when they heard it, so wanted to prepare herself to correct them if they did tease the other child (the name in question was Anass, pronounced by the child as Ah-nass, but easily rendered as An Ass.)

      1. Mystery Bookworm*

        I think CastIrony is referring to the history Alison mentioned, that there are people who refuse to use honorifics for black people. Or indeed, treat them with basic respect.

  36. sam*

    #3 – Your boss is a deadset bonehead, but just set a reminder on your calendar and spare yourself the drama.
    Also if you’re getting written up even after getting called back to lock the damn cabinet, ignore your boss’ calls. Why trek back and lock it if you’re gonna get in trouble either way? Hitch-hiking or driving in dangerous weather is not worth it.

  37. Ginger*

    #4 – what moron thinks a newly postpartum mom wants to drag herself and a newborn to a party?? And during flu season??

    Party planner doesn’t get it. Just keep saying no.

    1. 653-CXK*

      I figure Party Planner is a perfectionist and is deadset on having this party for personal satisfaction. I think a few people stepping in and saying, “Look, OP#4 is on maternity leave – keep (date) and do not reschedule the party” will cool their jets.

      1. BadWolf*

        Or Party Planner doesn’t want new mom to be left out (Mommy Track) and isn’t really familiar with the realities of new baby time. I have definitely tried overly hard to include someone thinking it was just a matter of timing/coordination until they were like, “Uh, I just don’t really want to go.”

    2. Alexis Rose*

      I was also going to comment on the flu season aspect. Those little immune systems need time to develop! At a party like this I can really see the parents not being totally able to control hand-washing or no kissing the baby to help a baby not contract something that could be really dangerous at that very young age. Even if it wasn’t flu season, I still wouldn’t want that many people around/touching my baby. The “we’re so excited to meet the baby” line is what made me go down this route.

    3. ErinAnn*

      Yes. Most mothers would still be healing, and RSV season is no joke. The co-workers do not get to meet tiny baby at the party. There is no problem declining the invitation. No maybes about it unless it makes the OP more comfortable to not give a hard decline.

      1. One legged stray cat*

        Yeah, recovery from child birth is no joke. I had a regular vaginal birth with minimal tears and thought I was having an easy recovery. Then at two weeks I went to a church potluck. Oh my gosh. Event chairs hurt! And trying to stand and walk hurts. I kept trying to sneak to a couch in the foyer but people get nosy when you are sitting alone. Plus hauling along a bag of the hospital adult diapers, Peri bottle, witch hazel, and perennial spray with the baby’s stuff is a pain in the butt (literally). Stand your ground and say no. Tell them you can show them the baby at a later date.

      2. Jennifer Juniper*

        Who would think bringing a baby to an office party is appropriate? The baby certainly would hate it!

    4. an infinite number of monkeys*

      I think the party planner is genuinely trying to be kind and inclusive, but it doesn’t change the answer.

    5. Four lights*

      Yup. And what if a C-section is necessary? That will prolong recovery even more.

      Although, even being aware that postpartum might be difficult and getting into the nitygritty are two different things. I’m having a baby soon, and I knew if would take a while to recover. But when I watched a YouTube fashion blogger talk about wearing depends for a month to soak up the blood…

    6. OP 4*

      This was my initial reaction as well. It wouldn’t be fun for me or my family to go through an entire ordeal.

      1. Ann Perkins*

        I had my first at 41 weeks + 5 days. I was still in the hospital two weeks after my due date! Even if the planner’s intentions are good, just keep saying no and letting them know you cannot commit to attending and to proceed without you. Best of luck!!

  38. Anon for this*

    OP 1 you feel uncomfortable with the names. Your internal feeling is yours, but you cannot let this feeling show itself at work in any way. That would be completely unprofessional (and I’m not even going to get into the ethics or the various ways you may be able to change your feelings, since others here already have).

    But trust me the more you say the word, the less your original connotation to it will come to mind first.

    I’m a woman and work in the wind turbine industry which is dominated by men. We talk about (turbine) erections all the time. “Hey Joe, how the erection going at your site”? Believe me, it didn’t take very long for that word to lose the initial connotation that everyone has for it.

  39. Princess Johnson*

    “tempted to demand they call me Empress Sweetie Boo”

    WHAT!? How can a grown adult even think this way?

    You really need to do some deep self-reflection here, OP1. Names are literally just different phonetic sounds we use to refsr to one another, there is nothing “ridiculous” about any of them.

  40. Anancy*

    OP 1 Those are your hangups, and while I come from a background that helps me understand your hangups (and might possibly share some) I also think you are going to have to get over them. Use people’s names. The more you use them, the easier it will be.

    Or just think of the white people named Penny (money) Brandy (booze) Fanny (ummmm) Dick (same) and current toddlers called Bella (beautiful) Grace, Cash, and so on. At the end of the day, all names are weird.

    1. SAS*

      You’re totally right about names from many cultures being “weird” if viewed literally. The OP definitely needs to do some self-reflection around what factors in her life has caused her to have these issues ESPECIALLY if they are relating solely to names of non-white colleagues.

      If she’s never felt the urge to make a joke about names like Faith, Hope, Constance, Brooklyn, Dallas, Paris or any other variations, there is a clear logical fallacy and she needs to get over herself, frankly.

    2. Foreign Octopus*

      There are weird names everywhere that only appear weird to outsiders and it’s 100% not on outsiders to comment on that.

      I live in Spain where a common name is Inmaculada Concepcion (immaculate conception), which is often shortened to Inma; then there’s also Covadonga, a female name after a church where Don Pelayo fought off the Moors in the early centuries before the Catholic Kings. To be, these are really strange names to burden a child with but they love them in Spain and I’ve grown to love them as well because of how different they are to the Jennys, Michaels, Rebeccas, and Peters that are spread throughout Britain.

      Embrace the differences. Life is so much better when you do.

        1. Lora*

          I thought I knew a reasonable amount of Spanish slang, and then I went to Argentina where my name is slang for “prostitute”. In every other country, it just means Parrot.

          I was constantly asked for ID to prove that was my actual name, which doesn’t translate any better: “shrimpy whore”. Nobody told me why for a few days. When I asked my Porteno friends at home why they didn’t warn me, they said they thought I spelled it differently…

          1. londonedit*

            There’s a British horse rider whose name is Pippa Funnell. When she competed in the Athens Olympics in 2004, she competed under the name Philippa (which is her full name, but not the one she usually uses for competitions) because in Greek ‘Pipa’ is slang for some sort of sexual act.

  41. Little Mermaid*

    Can I ask a question that is somewhat related to #1? Over the past 7-8 years I worked in companies that had offices in China, so I’ve always had a bunch of Chinese colleagues and they pick western sounding names for themselves that they go by, when they deal with their non-Chinese colleagues (and actually, already in my dorm at uni I was the only non-Chinese person on my floor, and it was the same there).
    At first I thought “don’t care, they pick a name, I use it”. But they only pick these names, because non-Chinese people struggle to pronounce them (can’t be bothered to make an effort?) – so now I’m a bit more uncomfortable with it.
    I live abroad and my name is unusual here, but I expect people to use it – because it’s my name.
    What do you guys think?

    1. Engineer Girl*

      Some of my friends have taught me how to say their name. I try and try and yet still can’t get certain sounds (that’s what an accent is). Sometimes I get “close enough” which means I still didn’t get it exactly.
      The reality is that you’re not going to get all the sounds right unless you grew up around that language. Or you’ve been immersed in that culture for years. You say their name with an accent.
      Some people don’t like having their name murdered so they choose a nickname.
      In the end you do what they ask.

      1. Jen*

        That was the case with a friend of mine who was born in a European country. His name included a vowel that we just don’t have in English and he said, despite his close friends trying, we just didn’t get it right. So he preferred a shortened “Nick” instead.

      2. Ceiswyn*

        It’s more than an accent; if you don’t grow up around certain sounds, you literally lose the ability to hear the distinctions between them. That is why, for example, many Japanese people struggle to differentiate between ‘l’ and ‘r’ in Western languages.

        So sometimes it’s an issue of laziness, but sometimes it’s an issue of inability. I had a boyfriend once who had an unusual name from a language that wasn’t mine, and I tried REALLY HARD to pronounce it correctly; and watched him wince every single time…

        So yes, agree that the solution is to ask the person themselves whether they’d prefer you to try to say their original name (and possibly mangle it horribly) or to use a chosen nickname. If the situation were reversed I think I’d quite enjoy choosing what name to be known by, but then I’m not greatly attached to my name to start with and the cultural context would be rather different.

      3. Serin*

        I used to have a co-worker from Vietnam. His name, in Roman letters, was spelled Phan. His brother’s name, in Roman letters, was also spelled Phan. There was a difference in the vowel sound that our alphabet doesn’t have a letter for.

    2. Approval is optional*

      Could you ask them if they’d prefer you to call them ‘western name’ or ‘actual name’? If they opt for ‘western name’, perhaps you’ll feel less uncomfortable using it than you do now. Or, as it’s probably related to them either having experience of non-Chinese people genuinely struggling with pronunciation or them being used to non-Chinese people being too lazy to learn it, perhaps as an alternative to just asking their preference, saying something along the lines of wanting to learn how to pronounce names correctly and could they ‘teach’ you how theirs is pronounced, then asking if they’d prefer you use it?

      1. Approval is optional*

        Sorry, grammar and sentence structure completely fell apart! Hope it makes sense. :)

    3. Sam Sepiol*

      Yeah we’ve recently had a team member join who goes by an Anglicised version of her name. I am torn as to whether to all if she wants me to use he real name.

      1. LawBee*

        You can ask, but honestly – she gave a name for you to use. Use it, she won’t be offended.

      2. Lily Rowan*

        On the flip side, I realized I’m happy to have people use a hispanicized (??) version of my name when they are speaking Spanish, because it does make more sense! The English sounds of my name just seem weird in the middle of a Spanish sentence, never mind the difficulty that Spanish-speakers might have. It makes me feel better about calling Manuel “man-well.”

    4. Reliquary*

      I’m a professor, and I am glad to say that this practice, which used to be quite common, is fast disappearing in many U.S. universities. In the past, many of my current Chinese students were advised by family members or academic coaches to choose an American-sounding name to use while in the United States, but fewer Chinese students are doing that these days. I don’t know exactly why this is changing, but I suspect a number of factors are in play. I’m personally glad to see it happening.

      2. thankful for AAM.*

        My spouse is from Hong Kong and lived there when it was still a British territory. His sister told me they were required to have “British” names so she choose his for him when he was a child (not at birth). It is his middle name.

        There was some confusion when we first came to the US, some docs had his first and middle names reversed. There was a memorable moment when I was on the phone with the hospital and they askede his name. I could not remember the order the insurance had so I turned to him and said, “honey, what is your name?” He knew I meant, what does the insurance think your name is. But I have always wondered what the woman on tje other end of the phone thought.

      3. pleaset*

        I don’t like people feeling pressured to change their name and hide their identity.

        That said, I’m an American with a “Western” name and when I lived in China a few decades ago was advised to get a Chinese name, which I did. It’s not a Sinicization of my name, but rather an actual Chinese name. In my case, it’s just two characters, with a surname that sounds like my Western given name, which made it easy for me to respond to people calling my name. And the Chinese given name has the meaning of my actual middle name, so that’s a nice touch.

        Chinese relatives call me by this name even now.

        My son has both a Chinese name (three characters, with the surname being his mom’s surname) which we use sometimes.

      4. MarsJenkar*

        At a previous workplace, this was a common practice with the company’s office in China. This was phased out before I came to work there, with the only remaining sign of it being one Chinese worker who decided he liked his American-sounding name and kept it. (I know both his given name and his American name, and they are night-and-day different.) All the other Chinese workers went by their given names when I worked there.

    5. Foreign Octopus*

      It depends on how much of a relationship you have with them. If you speak to them once in a blue moon, use the name they give you. If you’re speaking to them every day, ask them if they would prefer you to use their Chinese name and, if they say yes, make a concerted effort to learn how to pronounce it properly.

    6. Traffic_Spiral*

      Well, I’m a Westerner who moved to Japan as a kid – and it was pretty standard for adults and kids to change their names. See, (as anyone who’s watched a dubbed anime will know) there’s a lot of sounds that just don’t exist in the Japanese language (more or less anything with a consonant at the end, or too many consonants together). So you were either stuck teaching everyone you met to make a whole brand new set of sounds with their mouth, or you switched up your name.

      Allan (“Arran”) became Andy.
      Grace (“Gu-ray-su”) changed her name to Megumi (Japanese name meaning ‘Grace’).
      Dorcas (“Do-ru-ka-su”) had a Mom who didn’t approve of name-changing, especially because she had chosen the name for religious reasons, but her kid finally negotiated a change to ‘Naomi’ (another old testament bible name her mom had considered).
      Virginia Grace (“bur-gee-ni-ya”) changed her name to “Nina” because there was a well-loved character in a book called “Nina Virginia” – she kept the name once she left Japan, because she didn’t much like “Virginia” or “Grace.”

      We also had two kids with the Japanese names “Ai” and “Yu.” So to avoid a ‘Who’s on first” routine every time they were mentioned, we called them “Ai-kun” and “Yu-kun” (-kun is kinda like “Mr.” but for a young boy in Japanese).

      In all of these cases, people chose a name they liked, and were actually pretty excited to be able to pick their own name. In several cases, they hadn’t liked their old names much, but even if they did, picking new names is fun. Several of them still use their other-language name back home for things like Starbucks orders, because it’s simpler to get right (Andy, for instance – Also I know a Molly who goes by “Bob” for all that starbucks stuff because she was sick of all the “Holly’s, “Nolly’s” “Polly’s” and “Dolly’s” – no one fucks up ‘Bob.’).

      Now, while a Chinese student in the States isn’t the same thing as a Western student in Japan, they do share one main similarity when it comes to the language. Your English-speaking ass can’t pronounce the names right (no matter how well-meaning or socially sensitive you are) because your mouth and vocal chords just don’t know how to make those sounds. Further, they’ve probably chosen a name they like, that is either an acceptable variation of their actual name, or has some other significance for them. What’s more, even if you can pronounce their name right (you probably can’t) you’re still going to confuse the shit out of everyone around them if you refer to them by their original name.

      So all that to say, while you mean well, they’re probably going to want you to use the name they picked. Also, unless you actually speak the language, they’re probably wincing a bit every time you use their original name, because you’re butchering it.

    7. LGC*

      I think it’s slightly different because it’s an identity they chose for themselves. Like, if you tell me your name is Ellen but your birth name is Chinese, I’ll…just assume you like to go by Ellen. There’s a lot of systemic racism behind it, and it should be questioned, but I don’t think it negates the immediate wish.

      I also think that it’s good you’re questioning your own perspective! For what it’s worth, don’t expect people to get it right all the time – like, if you’re named Ellen and you live in Japan, for example. (Clearly, Ellens get around.) But it seems like you might already know that.

    8. Kimmybear*

      My MIL is from another country with a non-Latin alphabet and I’ve seen first hand how her name is butchered in both pronunciation and writing. It actually causes problems when you try to match your drivers license, passport, airline ticket, etc when someone has misspelled or misplaced the space or switched given and family names. Switching to an “American” name reduces some hassle.

      1. TechWorker*

        I have a friend who is from a Slavic company and everyone butchers his name.. at uni he mostly went by an anglicised version of his name, but his now wife decided to pronounce it properly and that rubbed off on me so I mostly do now too (it’s not even that difficult). His surname however is fairly difficult to say, to the extent that when they got married he was in stitches at how badly the registrar screwed it up.

        On the other side, my name is consistently pronounced wrongly by some friends/colleagues (one from Malaysia, colleagues in Bangalore), where a ‘z’ sound gets replaced with a ‘j’. My friend tried repeatedly and just couldn’t make the noise. It doesn’t exactly bother me.

        1. londonedit*

          I know a woman who is in her fifties and of Chinese descent, but she and her parents moved to the UK when she was about six years old. She says that as a child, her family used the Chinese pronunciation of her name, but no-one in Britain could get their heads around making the proper sounds. Everyone pronounced it in a slightly different way that fit more easily with English language sounds, the pronunciation stuck, and that’s what she’s used for the last 45 or so years.

          Similarly, my sister has a name that’s originally French but is quite common in the UK, but she spent some time living in a different European country where people could not get the pronunciation right. So to make things easier all round, she just went by a shortened version of her name that people were able to pronounce easily.

          I think those examples are probably a little different from someone deciding that they don’t want to use a person’s name because it makes them uncomfortable, but it does show that different names can cause problems depending on where you are in the world.

    9. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Twenty years ago, I worked closely with a woman from Hong Kong. She had the most beautiful old-fashioned English name, and when I told her how much I loved it, she told me her English teacher gave it to her. At that point– I was pretty young– I had never encountered someone who used their “foreign language” name during quotidian business. As in, I had a “French name” in French class and I have a Hebrew name, but I’ve never used either in any context outside of French class or synagogue. Any people from an Asian country I had met before used their Chinese/Malaysian/Indonesian names. She told me this was very, very common and designed to make things easier in English-speaking countries. I asked her to help me pronounce her Chinese name, and she was very pleased that I tried and didn’t screw it up too badly, but she always signed her emails with her English name and introduced herself with her English name. It’s how she preferred to do business in the States.

      She would be in her 50s now; I think this practice has kind of gone out of fashion. But it was my understanding that my co-worker, at least, preferred using her English name and if I had been visibly uncomfortable with it, I would have made her uncomfortable too. The basic rule is just call people what they ask you to call them.

    10. Jennifer*

      It would be kind to try and learn how to pronounce their real names. Usually they aren’t that difficult to say, just different.

      1. fposte*

        I think it’s more complicated than that, though. I prefer my name be pronounced according to the language that’s being spoken, not according to the language in which I was given it, and I’ve heard other people say similar things–I certainly don’t prefer somebody struggling to say an American “fposte” and messing it up to just saying it according to their language’s phonology, and honestly, it makes me feel exoticized and weird generally if they try. It’s not that they’re not saying my real name; it’s that my name isn’t dependent on one language’s (and region’s) pronunciation.

        I think unless you know the person pretty well you accept they name they gave you to use and not try to look past that, same as if they gave you “Liz” you don’t ask if they’d really prefer Elizabeth.

        1. Jennifer*

          I get your point. I guess I was getting at people who refuse to even try to pronounce a foreign name even when the person introduces themselves that way. That drives me crazy! But that’s not really the issue here.

          I totally understand what you mean about being exoticized. I don’t have a foreign name but I have been made to feel like an “other” many times.

          1. JD*

            And, like, if someone has a surname of Zhao or Xiang or whatever, people don’t usually change their surnames so you still have to figure out how to pronounce it approximately right.

    11. McWhadden*

      I think you should call people what they introduce themselves as. If you have some level of closeness you can ask if they’d prefer their Chinese name (as long as you make sure their Americanized name isn’t their actual name.)

    12. BadWolf*

      I think the reason for a Western name and who should use it varies by person and subculture. So some people might enjoy you learning their Chinese name. Some people might think it rude and not for you to use (a tiny bit like family can use a nickname, but not the rest of the world).

      For me personally, if I were to start working with a lot of native Japanese speakers, I would probably offer them some nicknames that would be easier for them to pronounce. But that would come back to the choice aspect.

    13. Behind the Scenes*

      I spent years in a Chinese-majority country. There are three main reasons Chinese people from China use English names when interacting with Westerners. Firstly, as others have mentioned, they don’t want to go through the hassle of teaching their non-Chinese colleagues how to pronounce their names. Secondly and more importantly, it’s because a lot of electronic systems, forms etc are simply not set up to properly parse the syntax of Chinese names. Chinese names put the family name first and the given name (usually two words, together, a single name) second. E.g. “Doe Jane Anonymous”, and you’d address them as “Ms Doe”. Or if you wanted to call them by their given name, you’d say “Jane Anonymous”. Just “Jane” or “Anonymous” would come off as overly familiar and a bit rude. Many forms mangle that syntax very badly. So it’s easier all around for them to adopt an English name and use that with the family name Western-style. Just call them by their English names. They picked it for everyone’s convenience , theirs as well as yours: it’s only polite to reciprocate the courtesy.

      I’ll also give honourable mention to the third reason, which is that among Chinese people from China and other Chinese-majority countries, it’s actually fashionable in some quarters to have a Western-style name. They’re not uncomfortable with it and they’re using it because they like it, not just to pander to you. Don’t make the mistake of assuming that Chinese people from China will view the adoption of Western names the same way you do. As above – just return the courtesy and call them what they ask you to call them.

    14. The Other Geyn*

      Naturalized American who immigrated from China when I was 9 — I have an “Western” and a Chinese name. My parents picked out the Western name when we first came here and that’s the name I’ve gone by for past 20 years. Technically my Chinese name is still my legal name but that’s more to do with laziness than anything else.

      Anyhow, I would say go by whatever the name your Chinese colleagues tell you. In my experience those who really wanted to go by their Chinese name will introduce themselves to foreigners with their Chinese name. Also, calling people by their first names in China is riddled with honorific and societal implications — I was taught to never just call someone older than I am by their first name (without an honorific) and to refer to someone just by their first name denotes a level of intimacy — so picking an English or Western name might be their way of navigating their cultural norms.

      1. Traffic_Spiral*

        Ooh, yeah, that’s another good point – calling someone by their first “English” name just means that you’re being Western, while calling someone by their first name in several other languages implies a level of familiarity that is often not work-appropriate.

  42. Tinker*

    Side note to the general yikes of #1:

    My name is a relatively ordinary one in the US, but it’s associated with a set of fairly iconic media phrases that people like to repeat. By the time I was in third grade I was very over hearing about the particular show involved, and I still kind of hate it even though it’s not quite as pervasive as it was when I was a kid.

    Even just on that basis alone — making a joke that is relatively obvious about a person’s name isn’t likely to score well for mutual humor, which is the kind you want to be having with virtually everyone and particularly people that you want to work amicably with.

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Same. I’m Ginger. No one is making a Gilligan’s Island joke I haven’t heard, and the year I worked with a woman named Mary Ann was so painful that we started avoiding each other as much as possible two months in.

    2. Sara without an H*

      +1. My name is not especially unusual, but there was a pop song a while back that used it. Fewer people remember it now, but when I was in college, people brought it up all the time. You have no idea how much I hated that song.

        1. Perse's Mom*

          I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone mentally make the connection between my name and a major pop culture touchstone and NOT say something.

    3. Darrell*

      My name is Darrell and I still get questions about “your other brother Darrell” often. (That’s a reference to the Newhart Show).
      My last name is very similar to the main character in “The Water Boy,” and not only is it often mispronounced, which I don’t understand but try to accept, I am often greeted with the catchphrase from that move “You can do it!” These don’t bother me at all, but it would be nice every once in a while to hear something original. But, people are just trying to break the ice or go for a laugh, so it’s not a big deal (to me, anyway).
      I have a friend whose name is Tommy, and he routinely corrects people who want to call him “Thomas.” Tommy is the name on his birth certificate. It’s his name!
      My father-in-law answered to “Ken,” which was a shortening of his middle name. His first name was Robert. However, often people would refer to him as “Kenneth,” even though his middle was was actually “Kenwood.”
      While these stories are barely related to OP1’s question, I hope they are illustrative to the larger point that people tend to be presumptuous with others’ names. Sometimes, it’s well-intentioned and benign. Other times, there’s something nefarious going on.
      Across the spectrum, though, this is a fascinating discussion about how people deal with names they can’t/ won’t pronounce. My overriding thought on all this is, “Please call me by the name I asked you to call me by. (and make an effort to pronounce it correctly)”
      It shouldn’t be that hard.

  43. ..Kat..*

    I have two problems with #3 that Alison did not address.
    1) LW tells boss she was told by coworker that the last one to leave locks the cabinets. Boss tells LW she should have known that information was wrong! Really? How?

    2) Locking the cabinets does NOT secure the cabinets. The key is hanging on the side of a cabinet. So why the insistence that the cabinets get locked, much less by LW?

    Okay, three problems.
    3) Cabinets contain personal files. If they contain personal files, why are they not securely locked all the time? And, having the key hanging on the outside of another cabinet is not secure.

    However, if your boss insists that the job is one you must do, use any of the wonderful suggestions of the AAM brethren to just do it.

    1. M from NY*

      The response also doesn’t address fact that with boss working different hours, OP can lock cabinet, leave office then boss unlocks and leaves unopen for the night.

      The entire setup is not secure. If I’m responsible for the cabinet then I leave and take keys with me or lock in another secure spot in office. Keys hanging on side of cabinet is NOT secure and I would never drive back to do so.

      1. Flash Bristow*

        There could be a chart next to the cabinet, where OP can sign each day with the time they locked up, to prove it was done, sort of like the inspection sheets in toilets.

        I suppose that could be doctored, but it’s unlikely and makes the point that OP is trying hard to remember the cabinet lock up…and covers their back a bit.

    2. Strawmeatloaf*

      4) (which other people have already stated) how do we know that one of OP3s coworkers didn’t go in, unlock the cabinets for something, and then leave it unlocked themselves?

    3. LJay*

      Yeah. I don’t have any problem with the expectation that OP lock the cabinets every night. I don’t have a problem with the boss not promoting the OP or even writing the OP up if cabinet security is really important and the OP continues to leave it unlocked.

      But I do agree that I have an issue with points 1 and 3 listed above.

      There is no way the OP “should have known” that the way they were trained is wrong. Especially because this whole setup is so illogical to begin with. Blaming them for not somehow psychically knowing that the way they were told isn’t correct makes me a lot less inclined to give the boss the benefit of the doubt.

      And, no matter what these cabinets contain, if the setup is supposed to secure the files, it’s not doing that. Locking it and having the key hanging right there is not secure. And even if it hitting the letter of the law for security, it’s not fulfilling the spirit of the requirement. And if this is something that gets audited, sooner or later this is going to get called out and someone is going to take the fall for it and in this situation right now it’s probably going to be the OP getting hung out to dry.

      And, making the OP drive back to resecure it is in no way appropriate. It’s condescending, and a poor use of everyone’s time, and clearly only being used as punishment. And there are more appropriate ways to handle this if it’s really a problem.

      1. Jennifer Juniper*

        Maybe the boss is trying to save money by coming up with something stupid, like the cabinet issue, to deny OP raises/bonuses/promotions.

  44. WG*

    #3: since the keys are easily accessible, can the cabinet just be left locked as the standard and people can use the key if they need to get into the cabinet? Where I work, we have a few cabinets that are locked all day. The keys are hidden where those of us that need it have access and we unlock the cabinet when we need to, locking it as soon as we have what we need. No one needs to remember to lock up at the end of the day as the cabinet is always locked.

    1. LJay*

      Someone would still need to double check to ensure that it was locked before the end of the day though, if it being locked is really important.

  45. Lexi Kate*

    #2 My manager cried when he laid me off a few years ago, and I mean he cried so hard HR was on the phone and had to stop and walk 2 building over to finish the layoff because he couldn’t get out the words. I was afraid for being laid off but had been looking for a little bit since we were having a bad year and there had been layoffs in the other departments. We had a decent severance package and I was excited to move on from the job I was in that was going no where. It was very awkward to have to tell my manager that it was ok, and things were going to be fine, and I wasn’t upset so he shouldn’t be either. Especially after job searching and finding out how underpaid I was.

    1. Magenta*

      I’m sorry that happened, managers need to be as professional as possible when they need to break bad news like this.

      I’ve been fired and I’ve fired someone, the second was genuinely harder and more painful for me and made me think differently about the former. I realise now that the person who told me was being as kind and professional as she could and her asking me to let her know I got home ok was probably out of actual concern.

      When I needed to fire I sucked it up and got on with it, firing someone has a huge impact on their life, there are huge implications for them and their future. The situation is about them, it is incredibly disrespectful to make it about you by getting emotional about it.

      1. Scott M.*

        From personal experience, I know that it is possible to unintentionally say something that is racially insensitive. I recently was severely criticized online for using the word ‘oriental’ to describe people of Asian descent. I truly had no idea that word was considered derogatory these days. So, lesson learned, I’ll never use it again in that context, but I really didn’t know.

        Another example that came to mind, was a news story involving flight attendants and a nursery rhyme. A flight attendant tried to be funny and told passengers “Eenie meenie minie moe. Take a seat we gotta go!”. It turned out that 2 of the passengers out of their seats were black women and they took great offense to the joke. However, the attendant, as well as myself and a great many other people (like myself) had no idea that the original form of this rhyme was incredibly racist (it included the ‘N’ word). Most of us had only heard the sanatized version and thought that was the original one (“catch a tiger by the toe”).

        So while the OP was wrong to dismiss unusual names, I don’t think it rises to the level of actual racism.

        1. JOA*

          “Actual racism”? What’s the alternative, fake racism? Speaking of unintentional statements that are racially insensitive…

    2. Embarrassed*

      My first reduction in hours, which I knew would end up with this stellar employee finding new work. I was teary eyed, but not crying. We both were. I was genuinely upset for a lot of reasons. One being that I did not agree with that particular employee receiving the reduction. But I was overruled and had to deliver the news.
      I have not gotten teared eyed since.

  46. LGC*

    This is Not Helpful, but…LW3, I’m glad you got the competition for Worst Boss Of 2019 started!

    IME (which is limited), I’m very skeptical he thinks you’re really a stellar employee. You don’t make people drive an hour and a half round trip to do a simple task you can do yourself if you respect them. It sounds like he’s flattering you because he knows he’s treating you like garbage, and thinks you won’t realize that if he makes the right mouth noises.

    But if it is just the cabinets…your predecessor and your boss might both be right to a degree. That is, you’re in charge of making sure they’re locked (your boss), BUT you just have to work out a system for doing so (like your predecessor did). Is there a coworker that can lock up after you leave and before your terrible boss checks? If I’m guessing right, you leave around 4-4:30 and Bosszilla checks around 6.

    (And yeah, I’m actually kind of angry for you, LW3. Your boss at minimum doesn’t care about your time, and he should be aware that it takes you a long time to get to the office (although even if it were just five minutes it’d still be bad).

  47. Ceiswyn*

    LW3 – If the keys are easily accessible to anyone, maybe you’re not actually forgetting to lock the cabinets.

    Maybe someone else is opening them after you go home, and leaving them unlocked, and you’re then getting the blame for it.

    I’d suggest taking the keys with you when you go home. That way they’re DEFINITELY locked. It may also be worth having a conversation with your (crazy) boss about what the aim is here; if the cabinets are meant to be secure, then there really needs to be a root-and-branch reform of the current process, because leaving the keys on the side all day… is not that.

    1. Mary Connell*

      Problem is the first time you forget the keys at home.

      (I oversee volunteers who use keys from a certain desk and every so often they get put in a pocket and taken home. Fortunately I have duplicates, as does administration and building maintenance, and fortunately it’s rare enough that it isn’t worth putting them on a key ring that doesn’t fit in a pocket.)

      1. Ceiswyn*

        That should be part of the discussion that needs to be had about the security of the cabinets; what to do when the OP isn’t available because of illness, holiday etc.

    2. an infinite number of monkeys*

      I’m also concerned that if OP is the Official Locker of the Cabinets, but they are accessible to anyone, would OP be scapegoated if important files went missing?

      1. LJay*

        Or the money in the petty cash drawer.

        Or what happens if auditing in a thing that happens in their industry and an auditor comes and writes the company up because this whole method is in no way actually securing the files? I feel like at this point the OP would be set up for the fall.

  48. Traffic_Spiral*

    Man, so much weirdness with the locked cabinets and the names that no one is bothering to address the crying HR lady! A shame, because that’s actually pretty weird as well.

    I mean, can you imagine the awkwardness of getting fired by someone who’s crying? Does it make you feel better? Worse? Just plain weird? I think I’d just sit there, frozen, like if they started flapping their arms and squawking or something.

    1. Kathleen_A*

      Yes, so, so weird. I mean, I’d hope anybody firing me would manage to at least look regretful, but the last thing I’d want to worry about if I were being fired or laid off was comforting the person doing the firing/laying off – you know, the person who, after all, gets to keep his/her job.

    2. Nessun*

      Upon reflection, it rather reminds me of the circle of grief. The bad thing happening here is “I’m being fired”, therefore any negative emotion needs to flow away from me, and only positive flows towards me…. If the only positive HR can find to say is, “I’m sure you can do well elsewhere”, so be it. But the negative, boo-hoo it sucks to fire you, I feel so bad for you, I feel bad for me having to do this to you, whatever vibe – that goes outward from the centre of the circle (ME), towards your spouse, your boss, whoever you feel like crying to WHO ISN’T ME.

  49. G.H.*

    Once I read #1, I assumed the whole comment section would be a pileon to #1, and then I got to #3…

    #1, they’re just the people’s names. If someone’s name is King, he’s not asking you to address him as if he were royalty. If someone’s name is Lily, she’s not asking you to address her as if she were a flower. If someone’s name were Cooper, you probably wouldn’t say, “I don’t feel comfortable calling you that – I’ve never seen you make any barrels!” They’re just names. A name isn’t a description of someone’s status in life – it’s just some sounds. If you saw a dog and found out his name was Sprinkles, you wouldn’t say, “This dog doesn’t go on top of a cupcake. He’s just a dog with a face. I should call him by a name that’s more descriptive of him, like ‘Dogface’. Good dog, Dogface.” That would be ridiculous, right? Names aren’t descriptors.

    1. Micromanagered*

      If someone’s name were Cooper, you probably wouldn’t say, “I don’t feel comfortable calling you that – I’ve never seen you make any barrels!” If you saw a dog and found out his name was Sprinkles,

      LOL Now THAT was a good use of humor!! I realize now I have a bone to pick with a friend whose son is named Hunter and cat named Oreo…

      1. G.H.*

        Unless the cat is two cookies with some cream filling in the middle, which most cats aren’t, even.

        1. Micromanagered*

          Then you’d have an Oreo named Cat. And that is ridiculous. Wait a minute. I’ve met women named Cat before… I’m going to start insisting that women named Cat call me Hamster.

      1. CommanderBanana*

        Hehehe our dog’s name is Tootsie (she came with it) and we kept it because it’s cute, it lends itself well to ridiculous nicknames like Tootzl Schnootzl Doootzl, and honestly she doesn’t answer to it anyway so who cares.

  50. LGC*

    So…ouch at Letter 1.

    I’ve actually seen some Names in my time. I have a young woman on my team with a rather unique name that made me do a double take at first – not so much because of the name but because of the spelling. I’ve also worked with a woman who is actually named Princess. She’s great. She does awesome work and if I could get her on my team I would.

    Are they ridiculous to my (suburban American) ears? Well, yeah. I’m not going to lie, I’ve been a little disbelieving when a Name comes across my desk. (“Did we REALLY just hire Jim Bob Ghostkeeper?”) But the trick I’ve found is to 1) keep a straight face in public, 2) apologize if and when I mess up, and 3) practice until the name sounds normal. (Repetition does wonders for me.)

    I mean, it’s 2019. If a woman you’re working with is asking you to call her “Honey,” chances are that’s because it’s her given name.

    1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      I can identify with privately thinking it’s ridiculous. My cousin gave both of us children unusual names with convoluted spelling and I secretly think it’s absurd. But I would never say anything or make fun of their names.

      1. Delta Delta*

        I work with a lot of children and I see a lot of names with complicated spellings. Think multiple x’s and y’s in the same name. I find it absurd, as well, but I move on and do my job.

        1. Nessun*

          My sisters & cousins named their kids from old baby books, and came up with names that are just as complicated to say and spell. (Some of the best are Isla, Ailsa, Kai and Saoirse.) I’ve just given up – teach me how to say it, spell it in an email, and I’ll just try to keep up.

          1. CommanderBanana*

            Saoirse (Seer-sha) is a beautiful name – and like a lot of Gaelic names, super duper hard to figure out for non-Gaelic speakers because the phonetics in English are totally different.

            I love the name Aoife, it’s pronounced Eee-fa, and I would never name my kid that because it would mean and entire lifetime of correcting everyone all the time unless they moved to Ireland, and as someone with a slightly oddly pronounced name, it’s exhausting.

            1. Nessun*

              Completely agree – my sisters and I have Gaelic or otherwise Scottish names, and I’d thought she’d remember her own struggles getting people to say or spell her name properly. Instead she seems to have doubled down! Saoirse is a lovely name, and she’s a lovely girl, but she’ll spend her life doing the same as we did, which seems a waste of time. Even her own father can’t spell it properly every time!

      2. LGC*

        Certainly! I’m trying to extend the letter writer some grace, but you really CAN’T make fun of people because of their given name.

    2. Jennifer*

      Many people with unusual sounding names love in suburbia. “Suburban” was code for white in your comment. And that’s okay. We can’t really confront our biases or change them until we talk about them honestly.

      2. LGC*

        There was one other detail I left out – I’m black. (Okay, yes, I did grow up in a predominantly white suburb.)

        You are right that I was using code (because if you read below, OP1 was feeling piled on and I didn’t want to go in with guns blazing), but it’s not just a white/black thing. (The Princess I mentioned is of Asian descent.) It’s actually something I should have mentioned in the topline – it’s not just a black thing (as it seemed like Alison presented it).

        1. Jennifer*

          I’m black too, lol. I see red sometimes when people use coded terms like that but I see your point. I do a fair amount of code switching myself.

    3. pleaset*

      I can’t help but mention I had an actual princess as an intern some years ago. That is to to say, the daughter of the kind of a country. She was in grad school in my country.

      I was worried about how to address her and asked, and she replied with “Just call me [simple given name]!”

    4. Stained Glass Cannon*

      I used to know someone whose parents attempted to name him after a top school (maybe hoping that he’d enter it?) But they got a little too enthusiastic, added some flourishes to the spelling that resulted in him being named in a way that was still recognizably related to the school but now sounded borderline X-rated. And to top it off, he later got into that school. And the thing is, everyone – principal, teachers, other students – called him by his given name, without making fun of him (much) until he himself asked them to call him by a nickname instead. Then they called him by the nickname. It took a while for people to stop teasing him, but the point is, they still called him by the name he wanted.

      However unfamiliar/inappropriate/absurd someone’s name may look to the rest of us, it’s their name, and we owe them the courtesy of addressing them by it until they tell us otherwise. Refusing to do so is simply a form of schoolyard bullying.

  51. Delta Delta*

    #3 – Ok, so, what if Boss needs something from the cabinet – which has now been locked – after OP leaves for the day? Does he make her drive back to unlock it, or does he do it himself?

    I once worked somewhere with a locked cabinet, which contained the same things mentioned here. The key stayed in the lock during the day (yeah! Really secure!) until the designated person left for the day and put it in its designated spot… on top of another cabinet right next to it. Made me wonder why we locked the thing at all.

  52. Anonaonaba*

    The fact that op1 also says she avoids people with those names is upsetting to me. Categorically avoiding people in the workplace often leads to those people being excluded from opportunities and networking – an issue people of color in the workplace have dealt with for a long time.

  53. Legalchef*

    Re #4, you can always say your pediatrician said you can’t bring the baby. Because I *guarantee* that your pediatrician would advise against bringing a couple-week-old baby to a huge party full of people carrying who-knows-what germs.

  54. Elsa*

    I just wanted to thank Alison for her comments on 1.

    My name is an unusual one, but it appeared in a popular children’s movie (think Elsa from Frozen). I’ve had people asking me if my name is real, or if I was named after the character (of a movie that clearly came out years after I was born).

    1. Approval is optional*

      I hear you. I ‘share’ my name with a current ‘celebrity’. I am at least 20 years older, and look, I think, my age, but I get asked if I was named after her on a regular basis!

      1. Constanze*

        I know a Rihanna. Until now, I have managed not to ask her anything about the singer or if she has any tips on get free Fenty Beauty products.
        I will say though that I met her at the same time as a looot of other people, and I forgot a lot of names, but not hers.

    2. roisin54*

      When I was in grad school and living in the dorm, I lived across the hall from a girl named Arwen. I wondered but never asked her if she was named after the character in Lord of the Rings. At some point in a larger group conversation about names, she did say that her parents were huge LotR geeks and had indeed named her after the character. I got the sense that she wasn’t all that thrilled about it. This was shortly after the last of the LotR movies had come out so instead of only LotR geeks knowing the name and asking her about it, suddenly everyone and their mother knew where it came from and asked her about it.

      1. JD*

        I know two different sets of parents who named their daughter Arwen. I also know an Ariel — born before The Little Mermaid.

    3. The New Wanderer*

      (deadpan) “Yes, my parents loved that character/celebrity and retroactively renamed me after them when I was twenty years old.”

  55. Naomi*

    I see another red flag with #3: the part where OP was expected to just know, possibly by telepathy, that the instructions were wrong, when OP had just started working there and had no reason not to take them in good faith. And the boss seems to have blamed OP for not knowing, rather than saying “oh whoops, my bad, we should correct the instructions then.” Between that and making OP return to the office when someone else is already there, I’d be pretty surprised if the boss didn’t have other problems with being overly rigid or expecting employees to read his mind.

    1. Smarty Boots*

      OP has been there at least 2 years by now, however, per the letter. That issue is in the past. She needs to let that go and just. lock. the. cabinet.

      1. Bostonian*

        Nope. I think we’re still allowed to reflect upon how ludicrous it is to expect someone to know something like that without being told.

    2. LJay*

      Yeah, I don’t have a problem with the boss expecting her to lock the cabinet.

      I do have a big problem with the two things you mentioned and they do seem like big red flags that the boss might not be treating the employees well in other ways as well.

  57. Sneaky Ninja for this one*

    #3. The keys hang on the side of the cabinet? So what’s the point of locking it? Presumably anyone could reopen it. If it was a security thing and someone was taking the keys with them, then yes, it HAS to be locked. I wouldn’t lock my house and leave the keys taped to the front door.

    Either way, your boss is out of line.

  58. 2early4this*

    OP#1 “I feel bad because these people did not choose their names” implies that you assune the people are uncomfortable with their own names, when it’s more likely they’re very happy with or even proud of them! They would probably be baffled/dismayed/hurt to know that you think their given name is silly.

  59. Op1*

    Op 1 here… the reason I wrote is because I felt uncomfortable, I identified that myself and wanted to deal with the situation better. I was honest in my question and Allison gave me a straightforward respectful answer I can work with. I really wasn’t expecting the comments you all left though, many were helpful but many were accusing me of being a bad human being, racist, in need of deep reflection etc… what’s the point in trying to improve myself if people on here respond to it like this? I’ve clearly written in and asked how to handle this better?!

    I’m not sure why I even bothered! And as for the race factor, I wouldn’t feel any more comfortable about calling a white person these names then I would of any race, I’m really not that interested in what race people are. What I was interested in was dealing with other people’s names that I find unconfortable to say in a better way than what I was.

    1. LawBee*

      Just use the names, OP1 and don’t make jokes about them, even in your head. There isn’t any way other than that.

      “What’s in a name? that which we call a rose
      By any other name would smell as sweet…”

          1. Lady Phoenix*

            I think this case, it kinda sides with OP because “Hey, I can call you by [Americanized or some other name that is NOT person’s name]. It’s totally the same, right?”

            Not to mention the context isn’t right. The context is that Juliet is morning that their love is forbidden based on their family name, so she wants him and ber to toss out their names since she loves Romeo hinself.

            1. LawBee*

              Ok, I can see that. Not my intent – OP is deffo as wrong as it gets here. My intent was more along the lines of why is OP making such a big deal out of being “uncomfortable” about calling people by their names when Princess is just as lovely a person as she would have been had her name been Sally.

              I hated R&J (and all versions and iterations of it) so I should probably not quote from it, haha.

    2. Consuela Schlepkiss*

      So the point actually is for you to take a beat and think about the implications of your discomfort. The fact that people like me had such a visceral reaction means that whether you realized it or not, what you said in your letter pinged some serious problems for people. Sometimes we don’t realize how our own perspectives come across, or that they arise out of particular conditions we are not fully aware of.

      Look, we all have baggage from our cultural settings. When someone points it out, we may feel defensive. But that is on us, and we may need to put that aside and do the self-reflection.

      1. Scarlet*

        +1000. Everyone gets defensive when called on, that’s a rather natural reaction. But whether you ultimately choose to get over your defensiveness and critically examine your own prejudices or choose to double down and keep thinking that everyone else is mean/overly PC/etc tells a lot about what kind of person you are.

      2. Wintermute*

        Bingo! this is basically the essence of “white fragility” the tendency for white folks (myself included) to turn someone saying “hey, uh, what you just said, you probably didn’t realize it’s caused by racism…” into all about US (“I’m not racist, words can’t be racist, how dare you call me a racist, I have black friends”, etc) because to a lot of people we’ve always been taught racism means you’re a bad, evil, mean person.

        Well good news is that’s not true, being really racist CAN mean you’re a bad person, but only if the way you react is like a jerk– We are ALL racist because we were raised in a system that is racist, some people have the benefit of having been raised in multicultural environments where implicit racism was addressed and talked about (note that just being multicultural does not mean you don’t have implicit race biases or racist traits, even being a minority yourself does not mean you have not been acculturated into racist ideas!). A ton of our everyday language comes from racist origins, a lot of our cultural traditions and common touchpoints do too. Not having rooted out every vestige of implicit bias does not make you a bad person, it just means you have work to do.

        But it also means this is not all about you, don’t make this a referendum on your character, or a personal attack. It’s just a “so you know, because this is a process we are all, as a culture and each individual, going through together.”

        To the OP: we’re not saying you’re a bad person, we’re saying you didn’t know but this is something you need to work on ASAP because it’s a big deal. How you react will determine whether or not you’re actually a racist as opposed to just having been raised in a society that’s screwed up.

    3. Constanze*

      Well… I think we all get how hurtful and upsetting these comments can be.

      It is not agreable to have one’s behaviours called to one’s attention as being problematic or racist and the human reaction is generally “f*** you”. I know mine was.

      However, if you are really interested in handling it better, there might be something there. Maybe all your coworkers named Princess or King are white, and maybe this is not a racial issue at all. But this seems unlikely. Statistically, these are names really used in Black communities (and others, I don’t know all of them, but some commenters have named them and I’m sure you can find a lot online if you are interested).

      Alison and other commenters have pointed how historically significant they are, and why they are especially used in marginalised communities. So yes, if your only instinct is to mock them, and if you stay defensive even after being called out on it and having all the information… this is a racist behaviour.

      Recognizing and getting past our first instincts make us better people ; this is what being anti-racist is. Not being perfect or “colour blind” in the first place.

    4. Approval is optional*

      It has to be hard to read the negative comments OP, but please don’t think you shouldn’t have bothered to write in. As you said, Alison’s answer gave you a good strategy to try, and there were other good ones in the comments, so I hope when the immediate sting of the negative eases, you feel it was worth the effort and are able to use some of the suggestions.

    5. Sandy*

      While I understand that it’s not easy to see people react strongly to something you said, there IS something to consider here, OP1. You cannot react to something( frankly innocuous) about a coworker’s person to the extent that you avoid them. And sometimes behavior that was free of bias in your head has a very different connotation in the real world. Because some of these names are much more common in minority racial groups in the US, avoiding people or making fun of the names have a different outcome than, say, thinking Dick is an awkward name. I think most of the commenters on this one are trying to help, not trying to perform outrage.

    6. kate*

      Hi OP, I don’t want to pile on here, but I would gently encourage you to consider that “I’m really not that interested in what race people are” is an attitude you are only able to hold because your race is not something that affects how people and institutions view you and treat you on a daily basis. Something to think about.

        1. The Original K.*

          In fact, “I don’t see race” is a damaging position to take. It’s dismissive. I am Black; if you’re choosing not to acknowledge that you’re choosing not to acknowledge me as a whole person, and I’m not going to think well of you for it.

          1. Justin*

            And not acknowledging the full, different lived experiences of us POCs (or whatever race) is going to lead to possible issues.

            Example: the white lady who laughed at me when I said I didn’t know where my ancestors were from before a certain time. Well, there’s a reason for that, you know…

            1. Constanze*

              Wow… that is so oblivious of her… In what world is that funny ?

              I am white and European, but my ancestors are from Armenia. There is a reason why we can’t further than 1915 in the records… lol.

                1. Arielle*

                  I am Jewish and I went to Germany this summer. I mentioned to my coworker that one of the reasons I was looking forward to the trip was because my family was originally from that country. Her response was, “Oh! Will you be visiting any family while you’re there?” …no. No, I will not, and there’s a reason for that.

              2. I Wrote This in the Bathroom*

                Right? I haven’t studied American history in school, at least not in any depth that I remember, and I gasped at that woman’s reaction… of all possible ways to respond, laughing was what she went with?

                I have not done the ancestry thing, either, because I think there’s no point. Every ancestor I have on three out of four sides of my family, lived in a shtetl (and the fourth side cut contact with my family way back in the 1940s because they did not approve of our heritage). I suspect the records weren’t super thorough. There are also no records of my mom’s birth, they were destroyed in a fire, with the rest of the archives in her city of birth, when the city was being bombed into the ground by the German air force on June 22, 1941. And so on. It really is quite a bit of a privilege to have family records going back to whenever. It is by far not the default setting.

            2. pleaset*

              “What’s so funny? Oh wait, maybe you know? Maybe there’s info in a will or record-of-sale or contract or something your family still has? Tell me! Tell me!”

            3. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

              What??? People laughed at these situations?? My mouth actually dropped open.

              Wow.

            4. overcaffeinatedandqueer*

              Not funny. Of course, it’s a bit different than these more systemic things…but I have had people call me a Nazi for my origins. SO many records were destroyed postwar, so I can’t prove my ancestors were or weren’t.

              I laugh about the fact that they may exterminate me should I ever time travel back. It’s to keep from being really depressed at what happened to LGBT people then.

              1. I Wrote This in the Bathroom*

                I have had people call me a Nazi for my origins.

                WTH is wrong with people. I’m sorry.

          2. Constanze*

            And I am pretty sure it comes from a position of awkwardness (and not the cute kind). Like not wanting to mention the fact that someone is fat, or blind etc… when you know… it is right there.
            The fact that you don’t want to mention probably means you think it is a problem, hurtful or abnormal, and ignoring it will make it easier. I think – but I could be wrong, as I am not a POC – it actually makes the person in front of you more alone.

            1. I Wrote This in the Bathroom*

              Yeah, speaking as someone who immigrated to the US from a different culture, I think that, while ignoring the racial/ethnic differences is still better than being oddly fixated on these differences and seeing only that part of the whole person (I’ve had well-meaning coworkers commend me for being able to hold down a job in the US… smh), it’s still 1) pretending that part of the person and their family history does not exist, and 2) treating the person as the default. Because I suspect that, when someone says “I don’t see race”, they are not really treating everyone as raceless. They are treating everyone as if they are all the default race/culture. Typically Anglo-Saxon here in the US. No wonder any name that isn’t a default one, like Bill or Karen, is seen as weird and “not normal”. When in reality, there is no such thing as a not-normal name*. It’s a name.

              * the jury is still out for ABCDE.

        2. Curious Cat*

          Indeed. My favorite quote from Trevor Noah: “There is nothing wrong with seeing color. It is how you treat color that is more important.”

      2. aebhel*

        ^ this.

        The idea that we can just ignore race means that a lot of unintentionally racist things (like having an issue with ‘black’-sounding names) slip under the radar. Something doesn’t have to be intentionally racist to have racist connotations; that’s the culture we’re all swimming in. It’s better to just acknowledge it.

      4. Foreign Octopus*

        God, yes. I’m trying to get my mother to understand this right now. She says that she doesn’t see colour and it drives me mad.

    7. LQ*

      I’d say the best way to deal with this is just practice saying the names. In normal sentences that you’d say at work. Do it at in your car on the way to work alone so you can get the feelings of discomfort out of the way. “Can you pass the chart please Honey?” “I need an extra blanket Sir.” “Hey King, did you see the game last night?” “Princess, I need to switch shifts, would you trade me for next week Wednesday?”

      Loop through and practice them. Seriously. Think of this as really boring. It’ll be uncomfortable to start, but practice will help tremendously. “I appreciate the help last night Honey.” Should be a dull sentence and it is (kind, but dull). The more you practice this and get comfortable, not just with the word, but the word as a name (which is different) the more comfortable you’ll be with, “Oh, yeah that’s just the name, no the honorific or endearment is a different word…oh I guess it’s exactly the same…hm.”

      And go talk to them directly. You’re less likely to need to use their names and will get more comfortable hearing other people say it if you are talking with and working with them directly. In conversation with people you use their names less than you would if you were talking about them. But you’ll get to hear other people catch their attention or need something from them so you’ll get normalized to it and it will be less uncomfortable for it.

    9. Tinybutfierce*

      OP, you literally admitted to avoiding coworkers with “ridiculous” names; that’s some pretty gross behavior and I’m honestly not sure how you could expect anyone to not react strongly to that, regardless of your reasoning. And “improving” yourself to just be able to interact with other people like a professional, mature human shouldn’t be contingent on whether or not people will respond positively to it; you should behave that way because that’s the right way to be a decent human being. If nothing else, this response shows you honestly do need to do some self-reflecting on why you’re reacting this strongly to people CORRECTLY pointing out your thinking and behavior is rude and deeply unkind, and historically rooted in racist/classist behavior; you may not be a racist, but the logic you’ve admittedly applied to your discomfort absolutely is, and it’s no surprise others are upset by and responding strongly to it.

    10. londonedit*

      I’m sorry, OP – I can imagine it isn’t too pleasant to have a fairly unanimous ‘Oooooh heck no, you are WRONG’ way.

      But, really…you don’t get to decide whether someone’s name is ridiculous or not. As many people in the comments have pointed out, different names have different meanings depending on the country and culture you’re in. That means that when there’s a cultural crossover, sometimes people will encounter names that sound strange to their ears. Dick and Fanny are two slightly outdated, yet for many years quite common, names in Britain, for example. Would I privately do a little cringe if I met someone whose name was Fanny? Possibly. Would it in any way affect the way I spoke to them? Would I go out of my way to avoid them so I wouldn’t have to say their name out loud? Absolutely not in a million years.

      People get to choose what they want other people to call them. If your name is Victoria, you get to choose whether you ask people to call you Vicky or Tori or Victoria or even Sarah because that’s your middle name. If your name is Princess or Sir, or even Dick or Fanny, then yes, you get to ask people to call you by your name, and you have the right to have that wish respected rather than made a joke of.

      1. londonedit*

        *that first sentence should end in ‘response’. I was writing two different things and never joined them up.

      2. Victoria Nonprofit (USA)*

        … and, of course, “Victoria” (or “Vittoria”) just means “Victory.” Not too far off from “Princess” in the land of status-naming.

        1. TaffetaDarling*

          Yep. My first name literally means Beautiful Victory which sounds super weird, but because it’s an Anglicized name no one bats an eye.

    11. MLB*

      The fact that saying certain people’s names makes you uncomfortable to the point that you avoid interacting with them says a lot of your character. Yes it stings to be piled on with negativity, but instead of being defensive, you may want to do some internal reflection to figure out WHY it makes you uncomfortable and do better.

    12. CommanderBanana*

      Well, I think you could start by using people’s actual names and working on your ‘discomfort’ on your own.

    13. LGC*

      So, yeah. I’ll admit that my initial reaction wasn’t very charitable towards you, and I should give you some credit for actually checking in. Don’t think it’s a mistake to have written in, even if you’re getting criticized by a lot of people, though!

      A lot of people have already addressed your question directly, so here’s some advice from a guy who takes L’s on the regular here: take a break from the comments. We’ll still be here and likely moved on to the next outrage.

    14. Sylvan*

      Why do you need to be comfortable with other people’s names? Serious question. Why do people’s names matter to you?

      Just as you’re uncomfortable with the names you wrote in about, I’m sure some people are uncomfortable with your own name. They get over it and move on like normal people.

      I wouldn’t feel any more comfortable about calling a white person these names then I would of any race, I’m really not that interested in what race people are.

      And yet the names you dislike so much that you’ll avoid coworkers over them, are names that have racial connotations.

    15. Middle School Teacher*

      Can I just ask, what were you expecting to hear, from Alison and/or commenters? Were you expecting strategies? Were you expecting a bunch of us to say something like “hahaha yes, I knew a person named Princess and it was soooooo ridiculous I just cannot so I just called her Sissy because it’s easier for me”? I guess I’m just confused by what you were expecting to happen here.

      1. londonedit*

        100% this. My cousin and her husband called their baby something that I, personally, find a little ridiculous (it’s a very obvious reference to a popular TV show). Privately, yes, I think the name they chose is a little silly. But I would never, ever express that opinion to them, nor would I ever insist I couldn’t possibly use the child’s actual name because it bothered me. It’s no business of mine what they chose to call their child, and I need to respect their choice. If the child grows up and asks me to call them something different, then I will, but until then I’ll carry on using the name they were given.

        1. pleaset*

          I’m like you. Judgey in my mind for stuff like this (which I’m not proud of and hope I can change), but have to put it aside in how I act.

      2. Consuela Schlepkiss*

        Yeah. I mean, when people tell us things we don’t want to hear, they can be doing us a mercy. If people think we are already lost, they don’t waste their time. And when people, especially minoritized groups, take the time and emotional energy to tell us something, we need to pay that mercy back by listening.

    16. Tedious Cat*

      OP #1, I get it. It doesn’t feel good to be told you’re exhibiting racist behavior. I know because I’m white and I’ve been called out for it and it sucked. But I’m grateful to the people who called me out and got me thinking about how the racism baked into our society had influenced me and how I could try to do better.

      Please don’t jump to “I don’t know why I even bothered asking.” That’s an example of white fragility, which is where white people become defensive in conversations about race and derail them by making them all about their feelings. This is something I have done myself and it’s helped to learn more about it, especially because I am also in a diverse workplace. Please ask yourself which is worse: having your feelings bruised by a bunch of strangers on the internet, or actually using “Empress Sweetie Boo” with a coworker, hurting their feelings and damaging your working relationships and your reputation?

      1. Liet-Kinda*

        And, like, you’re in good company. I’m a white American. That basically means my default setting is nonviolent, serenely ignorant white supremacy. We’re all racist, because that’s what American culture is. You are going to get called out for being racist – you have, I have, most white people have been or should be – because it’s unavoidable. I try to fight those attitudes inside myself every day and I STILL cruise along as the basically unapologetic beneficiary of centuries of white supremacy. We should feel bad about it, because it’s bad. Our feeling bad about that is not central to the problem or its resolution, except insofar as it motivates us to not suck quite as much this year as we did last year.

    17. Jessen*

      Here’s the thing to understand with race and racism. It’s not just about deliberately going out of your way to say “I don’t like people who aren’t white.” It can also be about learning to accept that different people’s backgrounds are different – sometimes even if they grew up in the same country – and working around that. So not caring about race often amounts to expecting (even subconsciously) that non-white people will live up to the standards that white society and culture sets for them.

      A lot of people here are coming from the perspective that you can act in ways that perpetuate racism without intending to be racist. It’s often in our cultural background and you pick things up without understanding why they could be hurtful to people who aren’t like you. And you have to consciously unlearn those habits. A lot of us have had to learn that. Making mistakes or asking for help or feeling uncomfortable doesn’t make you bad, but it’s a call to learn how to be a better person.

      From the way you wrote in the letter, it comes across as these people’s names are somehow bad or inherently awkward. That’s going to have racial overtones, since these sorts of names are common in black communities (and there’s a lot of overlap between making fun of black names and nasty stereotypes about black mothers as well). You may not have been aware of that, but it is there and it’s the sort of thing that does perpetuate the idea that black culture is inferior.

      So take it as “this is something to work on, because you’re acting in a way that dismisses other peoples’ cultures and experiences.” It’s not like doing something racist is a brand on you as a perpetually bad person. That only comes in if you then refuse to work on anything because it makes you uncomfortable.

      1. Sylvan*

        +1

        This is stated well, and it’s something that was hard for me to learn growing up. “Colorblindness” elides differences that are important (and actually really interesting and fun to learn about, too).

    18. Czhorat*

      Part of it for me is that the one thought you DID have – using “humor” to attack the names you don’t like – is highly, highly offensive. If you actually did that, it would not be unsurprising to find yourself in a disciplinary discussion with your boss; it’s the kind of thing for which you could lose your job.

      You say you work in a diverse field. Part of diversity is that *different people are different*. That’s what diversity means. That you can’t handle something simple like an unfamiliar-sounding name is, to be quite honest, surprising at best.

    19. BlueWolf*

      You just have to make a conscious effort to use their names just like you would anyone else’s. The more you use them, the less strange they will seem. Like someone else said, resist the urge to make jokes even in your head. I have met people with many different types of names, and sometimes they feel strange to say at first, but eventually you just get used to it. For example, I have a coworker whose name is foreign but is a homophone of a pronoun in English, so it can sound strange in conversation. Sometimes when talking to other people I add her last name to avoid confusion, but other than that I just call her by her name.

    20. sourgold*

      I’m really not that interested in what race people are

      But you can’t overlook race in a context like this. Allison pointed out in her answer that those names can be given among Black communities as a way to mark the integrity and value of the person — laughing in the face of that, calling those names ‘ridiculous’, and actively avoiding using them is, in fact, offensive. Pointing this out isn’t calling you a terrible person. It’s asking you to reflect on your own judgement.

      Here’s an example that might put things in another perspective: I’m a high school teacher. One of my students, who’s Black, is called Sheikh*. Do you think it would be appropriate for me, as his teacher, to make fun of him for it behind his back, or to avoid calling him by his name entirely, or even to start ignoring him? Or would that be immensely painful for him?

      (* for anon’s sake, this is not actually his name, but it’s a similar one.)

      You need to get over it before you hurt someone.

    21. Liet-Kinda*

      “what’s the point in trying to improve myself if people on here respond to it like this?”

      Because you can’t really be better if you’re not willing to constructively engage with the ways you’re not being good. And your discomfort with their names, and urge to trivialize them and joke about them? Sorry if it makes you feel bad, but those reactions are bad. You should feel bad about them. Feeling bad is not a bad thing we have done to you. Feeling bad about that is how you learn to do better, because you have no real reason to improve yourself if you don’t feel bad about the current status quo. And, not to put too fine a point on it, your current status quo is a certain flavor of “oh, I don’t pay much attention to race” blinkered white racism that is very common and very hard for a white American person to avoid falling into. It’s not a blanket condemnation of your entire personality and character, but white American culture is inherently white supremacist, and we can fall into some racist habits and reactions just by dint of the culture we’re marinated in. So stop whining and start fighting it.

      1. Le Sigh*

        “what’s the point in trying to improve myself if people on here respond to it like this?”

        Well, I’d hope your motivation is to improve yourself with the goal of being a better person, even if it stings. To be kinder and better to others, even if it isn’t easy and sometimes hurts. Self-improvement doesn’t always feel good, but if you really, truly want to do better, take a breather from the comments, reflect on some of the feedback you’re getting, and take your lumps.

        I’m white, I’ve been called out, it sucks. But not as much as it sucks for people who are on the receiving end of this behavior, and have to deal with it frequently. And it’s usually not just one person or one incident–it happens repeatedly, over a lifetime, sometimes overt, often subtle, and piles up and can have serious, real-world effects (sexism is similar in that sense). I suspect those coworkers you are avoiding–and anyone else in the world on the receiving end of this stuff in general–also felt hurt and bruised, too.

        I know it feels crappy, but I really do encourage you to take a step back and try to realize what people are saying.

    22. Delphine*

      I’m guessing from your comment that your coworkers with these names are not, in fact, white…and that does make a difference.

    23. Victoria Nonprofit (USA)*

      what’s the point in trying to improve myself if people on here respond to it like this?

      The point of improving yourself (in this way) is to minimize the harm that you cause to others. It isn’t about you, or how you feel, at all.

      It feels bad to be told that your actions or beliefs are racist. But that bad feeling is actually really, really valuable. First, it suggests that you don’t want to hold racist believes; you abhor that, and want to distance yourself from those ideas. And the crappy way you’re feeling right now is a useful signal to make a change. What can you do to stop feeling so attacked?

      Right in the moment, you could engage with commenters with humility and an openness to considering that what you said or have done is wrong or hurtful. You could ask people on here whether they’re willing to have a vulnerable conversation with you, and ask them questions about their comments.

      If nobody is game for having that conversation with you, or if you’d rather learn more privately, you could google things like “black naming traditions” and “white fragility.”

    24. Curiouser and Curiouser*

      One issue I see here – “I wouldn’t feel any more comfortable about calling a white person these names” implies that the coworkers in question, as expected, are black. So you are currently treating a select number of black coworkers differently because of something they cannot control (you said you were avoiding them and not using their names). Outside of the obvious disrespect, you’re opening yourself up to a host of problems here. I don’t necessarily think that you are knowingly racist…but what you’re doing has severe racial connotations, whether intentional or not, and you need to stop immediately. THAT’S what requires reflection. That you can’t see how harmful what you’re doing is – to both your coworkers and yourself.

    25. Observer*

      Please read both the comments you have gotten all along the thread and the responses to this response carefully. Yes, you are getting a bit piled on, but you are also being given some really important feedback. You are not a racist monster. But your behavior is deeply problematic, and your response here doesn’t do much to garner sympathy, although I understand that the pile on really feels bad.

      In general, as others have exhaustively noted, responding to legitimate criticism of poor behavior by effectively saying “If you’re going to be mean, I’m not going to change my behavior to all of the other people I’ve been misbehaving to” is not going to engender too much sympathy. At best, it comes off as childish.

      You may not care about the race of the people you are talking to. That doesn’t make the EFFECT of your behavior less racist. Because it’s clearly having a disproportionately negative effect on non-whites in your environment. And, it’s not the case that non-whites just disproportionately have a characteristic that is objectively problematic, but that they disproportionately ping you personal hangups. Which means that your disrespectful behavior and attitude is disproportionately affecting people who are already generally the victims of racism.

      Also, understand that all of the people who are saying that your behavior is racist are not saying that it would be ok for you to do this if the women in question were white. It would most definitely NOT be ok. It’s just that this issue adds a layer of problems. Also, it’s worth closely examining where your discomfort comes from – whether you realize it or not, it could be (or not, but worth interrogating) that it comes from racist assumptions about naming conventions.

      Lastly, the strong response should tell you just how problematic your behavior is and how important it is for you to change it. What you are seeing should make it clear to you just how deeply you are disrespecting and hurting others. Also, if you work for good bosses and organizations, this will have a negative impact on your career. Because good employers recognize the potential toxicity of what you are describing . Behavior like freezing out people whose names you don’t like is NOT something any good employer is going to take well – ESPECIALLY since these are all women of color.

    26. EventPlannerGal*

      “what’s the point in trying to improve myself if people on here respond to it like this? I’ve clearly written in and asked how to handle this better?!”

      The thing about self-improvement is that it is often uncomfortable. I’m glad that you’ve found some of the advice here useful, and I do realise that you probably didn’t expect this volume or intensity of responses. But I think that it would be really useful for you to maybe go away for a bit and come back to the comments when this defensive response that I’ve quoted above has settled down a little, because there is a lot of valuable stuff being said here.

      My two cents: the thing that I think many people here are reacting to is not just your question itself but also the way in which your letter is framed. Yes, you are trying to improve by asking the question – but your letter as a whole still seems to take it as a given that these names are indeed inherently “ridiculous” and they are something problematic which you need to find a way to “deal with”. You mention your impulse to avoid your colleagues and respond to their names with mockery as though this is something people will naturally relate to. To me it’s those assumptions that are the most unsympathetic and which need improvement – and they will also probably the most uncomfortable for you to confront as they’re deep assumptions rather than simple actions that you can resolve to just stop doing.

      Ultimately I think you were right to recognise that this is an issue for you and to ask the question, but the thing about asking questions is that sometimes you will get answers that you don’t like. (That goes double when it’s regarding something so deeply personal as a person’s name.) If you truly want to improve, the important thing is how you take those answers on board.

      1. EventPlannerGal*

        PS. And in terms of simple actions that you *can* take:
        – stop avoiding your colleagues, for goodness sake!
        – start using their names, like you would use anyone else’s name.
        – resist the compulsion to make jokes about their names to them or about them.
        – if other people at your workplace joke about your colleague’s names, don’t join in.
        – if there is any aspect of yourself that people comment on – your height or your hair colour or your accent or anything like that – consider how many times you’ve heard the same comments about that and whether you still find those funny.

    27. I Have A Weird Name*

      I made an account just to reply to you.

      Your response is pretty defensive and disappointing. You are hearing from people of color who have been marginalized by their names for generations and I think our input is worth a lil something. It is NOT okay to make fun of people’s names. It is NOT okay to avoid them because you are uncomfortable calling them by their name. Your attitude needs to change and I do agree that you need some deep reflection.

      Just say their names. It’s not hard, OP.

    28. Middle School Teacher*

      By the way, perhaps some role reversal would be helpful here:

      “Dear Alison, I work in a diverse environment in the health care industry. My first name could be considered very unusual where I am, but it’s specific to my culture and my history and I am proud of it. However, I have a manager who refuses to use it and actively avoids me because she says my name makes her “uncomfortable”. Should I just change it to “Cathy” so it’s easier for her to say? Am I just being too sensitive here?”

      What kind of answer do you think that letter would get? As a manager, how would you deal with an employee who came to you, upset, because her colleague wouldn’t use her actual name? Think carefully before you answer.

  60. Constanze*

    OP#1
    I won’t add anything on the fact that you are so uncomfortable with other people’s names that you avoid them or want to make jokes, because a lot has been said already.

    Other commenters have good advice that will help you get more used to them.
    I will say though… do you really punctuate every sentence with the first names of your coworkers ? Except when I call my coworkers in order to get their attention (and even then, sometimes, just a change in attitude – turning towards them, saying “Excuse me, do you have info on xxx…” – is enough), I don’t use their first names that often.

    Even if you stay uncomfortable, you won’t be uncomfortable for too long !

    1. t.i.a.s.p.*

      I was wondering this as well. I am THE KING of not saying people’s names, I think because I was SUPER SHY when I was a kid and not that great at remembering names anyway so consequently there are a lot of people I interact with whose names I don’t know but should know. So I very rarely say someone’s name at them unless I need to get their attention. But I’ve noticed some people are very name use-y. Good morning Tia. Happy New Year Tia. Thank you Tia. Did you have a good weekend Tia? How are you today Tia? Tia, do you know if we have this form? Where I would say all of those things to someone but without saying their name.

  61. LKW*

    I had a job where I was in charge of the locked cabinet. It held supplies and the like. I just kept it locked. Anyone who wanted anything in it had to go through me. My predecessor set that up, but you can do the same. Can you do that? If the need is so great to keep that locked at night, then it should be locked during the day too. It may require a little more of your time, but likely a lot less than over an hour of commute time.

  62. Sara without an H*

    OP#2: I hope your HR director was just having a bad day, but if she does this with any frequency, she really needs to consider another field. The most successful HR people I’ve known could best be described as unflappable.

    And I know you said this was an RIF, rather than a firing for cause, but why was the HR director doing it, rather than the manager?

  63. bloody mary bar*

    OP3 – If your boss is really trying saying that the only thing you don’t do well in your job is remembering to lock the cabinets–which, based on your boss’s general jerkiness, implies that you may not be getting promotions or pay raises you deserve–I think you need to move into CYA gear.

    Set an alarm on your phone for the end of your shift or put a big post it note reminder on your steering wheel–whichever works for you–so that you remember to check every single day whether you locked the cabinet. Better yet, take a picture with your phone of the locked cabinet every single day.

    Every. Single. Day.

    That way you will be absolutely sure that no one is unlocking the cabinet after you leave, as some of the other commenters suggest, and have documentation to back it up. If your boss calls, send him that day’s photo of the locked cabinet and go back to bed. And next review season, you have plenty of proof to back up how seriously you took your boss’s feedback and how you took steps to improve.

    1. Grey*

      I keep a small magnet next to my light switch. No note or anything, just the magnet. It looks a little out of place. I can’t turn off the light at the end of my day without seeing it, and seeing it reminds me that I need to do something.

    2. Bostonian*

      Yeah, in all honesty, OP, forgetting to do a minor task twice a year is not that big of a deal. But if that’s what your boss wants to focus on, then you may have to play along and set up a system so that you don’t forget again.

      And then see what happens. I’d like to think that this won’t give him an excuse to continue to not promote you, but with the evidence provided so far, it may just be a case of moving goalposts and nothing you do will be good enough. If that’s the case, only you can decide if you’re OK with that.

  64. Lalitah28*

    I have to agree with all the comments on OP#1’s discomfort with names he/she deems ridiculous.

    I think we all have that perception because of this sentence: “I’m bad at using humor in these situations and am always tempted to demand that they call me Empress Sweetie Boo or something equally ridiculous, but have to rein myself in before I offend someone. ”

    You’ve gone on record as ***judging these names as ridiculous; hence the comments that you deem unkind and/or biased.

    We all have unconscious biases and the very first step in overcoming them is in fact, learning to be uncomfortable, confronting the bias, and getting over our need to be comfortable when that comfort is damaging, and in as we’ve seen on the news, dangerous to historically oppressed communities.

  65. First Time*

    Kudos on answer to #1!!!!

    I’ve never felt the desire to comment on any posts here, but that answer was so respectful to both the writer and their coworkers with those names. I had to just say Great Response!

  66. SigneL*

    #1 – it seems to me that LW could lock the cabinet before she leaves, and someone else could unlock it after, since the keys are right there. I mean, it would be strange, but there’s no way of knowing that LW is the one who left it unlocked, right? I guess it makes no sense to me to be so worried about whether or not the cabinet is locked if the key is right there.

  67. Amethystmoon*

    This reminds me of Hitchhiker’s Guide. The elderly man who designed planets was named Slartibartfast. He even said his name wasn’t important. It’s not the name that matters, it’s what the person does.

    1. an infinite number of monkeys*

      Yes! I was also thinking of Monty Python’s Mr. Smoketoomuch, who was taken aback at the joke that he’d better cut down a little then as he’d genuinely never heard it.

    2. Nessun*

      The other Hitchhiker’s reference that comes to mind is Ford Prefect – “he chose the name because he thought it would be nicely inconspicuous”…after a little research into a completely foreign world and culture. AFAIK, no one ever told him it wasn’t a good name – they just rolled with it.

      1. LawBee*

        That joke went over my American head for years and years until someone told me “It’s like if he named himself Honda Civic”.

        Oooooooooooooh.

        1. Nessun*

          There’s a similar issue with a joke in the movie Shirley Valentine, which I’ve actually seen dubbed so that it’s comprehensible to the audience on American TV – Ford Cortina was changed to Ford Escort or some such. I remember seeing it in that dubbed version and wondering why that had to be done; then someone explained that car names are different in different countries, so it wouldn’t make sense if they left it in!

          1. LawBee*

            Yes! While it annoys me that the Harry Potter books were “Americanized” (jumpers to sweaters, philosopher’s stone to sorcerer’s stone, etc.), this kind of change makes total sense and saves the joke.

  68. What's with Today, today?*

    #1) I knew a (white) man named King Solomon. He’s deceased now. His nephew is named Coke, after the drink. Both very successful. Unusual names are okay.

  70. DCompliance*

    #3- Your boss is saying your a great employee, but the cabinets are “holding you back”? Back from what? A promotion? A raise? Maybe locking the cabinets is an essential function of the job, but do you want to be held back for something so pointless?

  71. Justin*

    I spent 8 years as an ESL teacher for adults. I had quite some names (because they were usually choosing western names themselves and often choose… ones that stood out because of lack of familiarity). But these were adults, and they wanted to be called X so X is what they were called. Some went with their given names, some didn’t. You call people what they ask to be called.

    My parents actually gave me a very common name (it’s exactly what my username is, obviously). But as a black guy, many of my friends and relatives have names you might find odd or whatever, and frankly, I am sometimes sad because I know that there’s always a possibility that my own resume/application has moved farther in a process than those of some folks I know because Justin is an old, standard name and others might not be seen that way (and by “that way,” in the US, I mean “white,” even though I’m not).

    So we need to cool it on this name condescension (and it’s not just OP1, I see it from my colleagues, because we have gov’t data, which includes names, and they definitely joke about the “weird” ones). I am glad you wrote in, though, and don’t want to be unkind. Hopefully you heed the advice given.

  72. Namey McNameface*

    OP1: Your discomfort about other cultures’ names speaks much more about you than anyone else here.

    Just call people by their names (legal or preferred). This is not about you.

  73. Observer*

    ? I’m bad at using humor in these situations and am always tempted to demand that they call me Empress Sweetie Boo or something equally ridiculous, but have to rein myself in before I offend someone.

    This made me cringe SO hard. The idea that you get to decide whose name is “ridiculous” is what is really ridiculous. And the fact that you even think seriously enough about “demanding” that you actually have to rein yourself in, really speaks to a terrible level of disrespect for people who don’t fit your box.

    The reason you are “bad at using humor in these situations” is because there is no way to use humor in the way you want to that is minimally respectful.

    This is not about women’s (or anyone’s) dignity or anything like it. Because if you recognized people’s dignity, you wouldn’t be so contemptuous of their names.

    2. Liet-Kinda*

      Yeah. OP, the reason you’re bad at using humor in this situation is that humor is bad in this situation, and attempts at humor mean you’re bad. There is no way to use humor in this situation that is not bad. Just don’t do the thing, please.

    3. Sylvan*

      +1

      Also, they aren’t “demanding” that OP call them some silly thing they picked. They’re just being normal at work, wearing a nametag or introducing themselves, while having the name their parents chose.

  74. Snow Drift*

    #1 you get used to it with repetition. I work with someone whose name is a racial slur in my country.

    1. I agree with everything you say*

      There’s a student at my institution whose name looks on paper like a sweary insult in English. (It’s pronounced differently though.)

      Like you say, you get used to it with repetition.

    2. Goya de la Mancha*

      I assume they were not native to your country?! Because I can’t imagine a parent knowingly choose that for their child!

        1. Raven*

          Can I ask what part of Europe? There are a lot of Vietnamese names that sound profane in English (Phuc, Bich, Dong, etc.) but I don’t know about other cultures.

  75. Smarty Boots*

    #3: Is your boss kind of a pill in how he’s handling this? Yes. But you are not being very reasonable or professional, either, because you’re not doing a task he explicitly told you to do.

    Put a note on or next to your door on the inside that says: LOCK CABINETS. Set a notification on your personal phone for your leaving time to LOCK CABINETS. Then lock the cabinets. If I were your boss and I explained to you that it is your responsibility to lock the cabinets before you leave, and then you didn’t lock the cabinets **multiple times**, I’d be pretty annoyed, at a minimum. It’s not like the boss is asking you to do something onerous or unreasonable.

    Find a way to remember to lock the cabinets. It’s your job.

    1. Approval is optional*

      Well, 1. the key is hung on the cabinet so anyone can unlock it whenever they want and 2. given the OP isn’t always the last to leave and 1. is in play, it’s possible that sometimes she hasn’t forgotten (rather someone unlocked it once she’d left for the day). So I think the boss is being unreasonable by being so gung ho about actually locking it and making her drive in to lock it when he’s still in the office. But I agree the OP needs a strategy to make sure she doesn’t forget and that her compliance is recorded (because of 2, and because her manager is an ass).

      1. Smarty Boots*

        As you say, it doesn’t matter how stupid or pointless it is — and I totally agree, it is completely ridiculous that OP has to lock a cabinet whose keys are hanging on the cabinet (makes me want to whack my head on the wall just picturing it!). I myself have several stupid work tasks I’m required to do, and I just do them. They are astoundingly pointless but easy and quick and the powers-that-be care about them, so, no point in wasting energy or political capital squawking about it.

        1. Observer*

          Yes, but it’s not like the OP is forgetting all that often. 5 times in 24 months is not that high of a frequency for something like this. It really, really does not come off as the OP refusing to do the task.

    2. jack*

      She is doing her job. Forgetting 5x in 24 months is, what, once every 5 months she forgets to do it?

      1. Bostonian*

        Right. There’s nothing “unprofessional” here: OP isn’t deciding deliberately to not do it.

      2. EventPlannerGal*

        Agreed. If she was forgetting to do it multiple times a week, or deliberately refusing to do it, that would be a problem. Forgetting 5 times in two years, to me, does not sound like that big a deal. Humans make mistakes, and good managers should have a sense of proportion in dealing with those mistakes.

  76. Jennifer*

    OP1 I think this has been pretty well covered. I just want to say that many minorities are dealing with a lot right now in the US. Being treated with respect at work is the least we deserve. I hope you follow Alison’s advice.

  77. Lady Phoenix*

    LW #1: Get over it and show them some respect by calling them by the name they asked you to call them.

  78. Billie the Goat*

    #1 – I’ve had a lot of weird resistance to people calling me by my given name simply because they don’t like it (or they think it is in some way ‘incorrect’). A few things NOT to do when faced with a name that you don’t want to say:

    -Use another name that starts with the same letter.
    -Demand to know the person’s middle name (or whichever name they didn’t introduce themselves with) so you can use that. For many people, this is private, and furthermore, if you try to address them with this name, they will not have any idea who you are talking to.
    -Interrogate them (or their parents) on the origins of their name until you gain some satisfaction and closure and can then go forth and use the name in peace.

  79. Rusty Shackelford*

    I hate to pile on to #1, but if anybody talked about this part, I missed it…

    I find myself just avoiding people with names that are titles or pet names because I can’t face using them.

    How are you avoiding these people? And is your avoidance harming them in any way?

    1. Justin*

      (I know she’s reading, but…)

      Maybe avoiding them is helping them since they don’t have to deal with being judged for their names.

      (But yeah, don’t do that.)

  80. Theresa*

    I’m a little confused. And new to posting a comment here. In question 1, why was it assumed that the uncommon names belonged to black employees? I don’t think the person who asked the question said they were black.

    1. Murphy*

      I think because OP mentioned working in a diverse industry and also some of the example names OP used are more common in African-American communities.

      Even if the people OP mentioned weren’t black, that these names can be more common in that culture may not be something OP realized, and they may want to be mindful of it in the future in case they encounter black people with those names, either as co-workers or patients.

    2. Crooked Bird*

      Allison herself didn’t make a statement that the coworkers were black, just pointed out that names like Princess and King were more common in the African-American community (which is true) plus the history behind it which is an extra reason to give people the appropriate respect of using their names etc. (Which is why it was relevant.) Of course as you read on down the comments you’ll find people straight-up assuming the coworkers are black–we commenters always jump more easily to conclusions, it’s our place to go a little off-the-cuff. :)

  81. janon*

    #1: There isn’t any way to “handle” this. These are those people’s names! Just like if their names were Michael or Rebecca. This is really insensitive and something you need to get over. And it is not the equivalent of asking them to call you Empress Sweetie Boo. That is not your name (at least I assume it is not) and you wouldn’t like it someone refused to call you by your first name because they didn’t like it.

    1. Call me America Africa*

      I think the LW and Alison were a bit off-base here.
      LW: Call people by their names! Your discomfort with another human’s name is not important here. Your letter reeks of assumed privilege. I hope that your next manager is named Pleasure, Sugar, Earl, or Mister. You need to do some self-examination: would you consciously or unconsciously pass over a resume from Princess, Honey, or King?
      Alison: Princess, Honey, and King are used in many communities as given names. My Latino family has two women named Princess. Honey is a reasonable name for a Latino male. (Jonadab as pronounced in Spanish quickly becomes Honey.)

  82. Jam Today*

    Dear OP #1:

    William is derived from words that mean “strong helmet”, i.e. “warrior”
    Mark is derived from the Latin name of a god (Mars)
    Margaret is derived from the Greek word for “pearl”

    Get over it.

  83. OlympiasEpiriot*

    #2…Argh. I would be really annoyed if the person laying me off or firing me was crying. I think I’d be thinking it was a tactic they thought would forestall me from being angry about being let go because they’d be engaging my sympathy.

    Yuck.

    1. I Wrote This in the Bathroom*

      Not laid off, but I had a then-partner of two years dump me out of the blue, at the end of an otherwise normal evening together (unbeknownst to me, he’d shown up with all my things packed in his trunk, went through with the whole evening like always, and then dropped the bomb as I was saying good-bye for the evening). He cried. With actual tears. It was years ago and I’m still angry at him for that, because by doing it, he made the whole thing about himself, and about how terrible it was for him to end things with me. And yes, like Alison said, I felt like I had to console him, so I did. That’s emotional blackmail, to be honest. So much worse when done in a professional setting, by an HR director, who should know better. Argh, indeed.

    2. The Original K.*

      When I was laid off, the VP didn’t cry but he DID talk about how hard it was for him to lay off my team and how hard it had been when he had to lay off teams and people in the past. I was so annoyed – I kept thinking “My dude, YOU STILL HAVE A JOB.” A VP-level, very-well-paying job! These layoffs came during one team member’s maternity leave – she had a three-week-old and now no job. I promise it was harder for us than it was for him.

      And then I had to go to HR to go over a few things and the HR person was like “Yeah, it was really hard for [VP] to let you guys go,” and I couldn’t take it anymore (and I mean, what were they going to do, fire me?) and I said to her “Well, he still has a job.” She shut up.

  84. AnonTransMom*

    “and am always tempted to demand that they call me Empress Sweetie Boo or something equally ridiculous”

    This reminds of the BS my son dealt with when transitioning. However someone introduces themselves, call them THAT. If *they* don’t like their name, *they* can use a derivative or a nickname or even legally change it. But it isn’t a community project and you don’t get a vote. And if you tell me you want to be called “Empress Sweetie Boo” as a way of making fun of someone else’s chosen name, I’m going to call you that every chance I get until you feel ridiculous.

  87. SleepyHollowGirl*

    Letters in academia are usually sent directly from the sender to the employer (or via a letter service) so the candidate didn’t see them. They are not always 100% positive.

    Also, usually the readers of the letters are familiar with the writers by reputation, at least. And it matters who the writers are.

  88. NotADJ*

    OP1, I work in an industry — radio — where on-air names are common, and were far more common when I started 20-some years ago. And yes, for a little bit it gave me pause to call people Kid, Skip, Stormy, Dusty, etc. But those were the names they chose to use professionally, and soon I didn’t give it a thought.

    Just relax about it, and call people what they ask you to call them. If you see people as individuals, their names will soon be so naturally associated with those people that you won’t give it a thought either.

    1. I Wrote This in the Bathroom*

      Good point. I worked with a Skip and a Dusty. They were both nearing retirement when I was at early stages in my career, so these are old-school names. I just called them Skip and Dusty, what else do you do? that’s what they wanted to be called. (Not their given names in both cases.)

  89. Smiling*

    #3 is something that I could use advice on. I have had several employees over the past few years who have been chronic forgetters. I realize that OP says it has only happened only 5 times, but in the situations I’ve dealt with it’s been much more frequent.
    First, I don’t condone what OP’s boss is doing. However, I don’t know how to get people to do their jobs without becoming a nag and I’ve said as much to the forgetters.
    Some of the things are as simple as “don’t forget to lock the door”, but at least once a week the door is left unlocked overnight (it’s an exterior door and I have no control over the fact that it doesn’t automatically lock behind you).
    Other things are more serious like, “please check the backup logs every day to make sure that all files are getting backed up”. (The computer tech went months without looking at the logs or properly checking the backup and it turned out crucial files were not getting backed up.)
    I’m only giving 2 examples to keep this brief but there’s a long list.
    I have tried discussing this with the employees. I have encourage them to write a daily task list, or use Outlook reminders, but short of me forcing them to do it I’m not sure how to make people remember their assignments.

    1. Approval is optional*

      Have you given them consequences?
      Put people on PIPs, remove them from consideration for desirable projects/chances to ‘act’ in senior roles etc. Do a risk analysis and use it to make the consequence fit the ‘crime’.
      Have to say I’d have fired the computer tech without a PIP- not backing up could kill a business!

      1. Smiling*

        Sorry if I wasn’t clear about my discussions. I did not say to the forgetters that I didn’t know how, only that I didn’t care to be a nag about the situation(s).
        I’m not sure what consequences are available. I have no firing power. I can make suggestions but the ultimate decision is not mine. (small business)
        I begged to fire the computer tech but was denied.
        Apologize for not saying more but gotta get back to the pile on my desk. Will try to detail more at the end of the day.

    2. Approval is optional*

      Part 2! I was on my phone and hate the tiny keyboard.
      You say you told the forgetters you don’t know how to get people to do their jobs – you kind of gave them free rein to not do them by saying that.
      I would make a decision about consequences – see part 1 – and then meet with the offenders and tell them that you expect X to be done, (how, when, how often etc) and that if it isn’t done by [date] or to [standard] etc consequence A will be put in place. Tell them that you won’t be reminding them to do X, but if they want to run strategies they come up with to ensure they remember by you then of course you’re happy to do that. But they need to come up with the strategies – this is part of having a job and you shouldn’t be doing it for them. Ask them to tell you, (if appropriate, within [time frame]) about any problems that will prevent them doing X.
      If X isn’t done on time, to standard etc, meet with them, and tell them consequence A will now be applied. And follow through.
      Caveat – they may have a genuine reason for it not being done, and for not coming to you earlier to tell you why (masked intruder stole the server this morning – or, less flippantly, something like a death in the family) but be firm about what is a reasonable ‘excuse’ and what isn’t.

      1. Approval is optional*

        part 3 – this one is due to forgetfulness though!
        Forgot to say that at the meeting to give the ‘ultimatum’ discuss how X will be monitored – memo to you [frequency], meeting with you [frequency], you will monitor without requiring their input by [method]. Locking the door perhaps you’re first in and you’ll notice in the morning, back up perhaps a sign off sheet that is sent to you daily/weekly and so on.
        Good luck.

    3. RandomusernamebecauseIwasboredwiththelastone*

      I think you have to come up with different plans depending on the situation. For the two examples you gave I think I would have a different approach.

      Door locking: IMO this is a pretty big thing. I would give one blanket warning to all that details the reason, requirements, and consequences. If there are multiple people who are responsible for locking the door I would address as a group in a meeting and follow up with written communication.

      Meeting:

      “For the past 2 months I have found the door unlocked in the morning at least once per week. Is there something going on that is causing this that we need to discuss or solve? (wait for responses) Ok, this is unacceptable for obvious reasons, but I will state them anyway. If the building is not secured we are open to theft, data breaches, vandalism, and perhaps even threats to the person who opens in the morning if someone were to be inside waiting for them. From this day forward, I want everyone clear that the last person to leave is required to lock and secure the building. Failure to do so will result in disciplinary action. After the meeting I’ll be sending out the security policy and requirements. Please read through them and acknowledge via email that you understand them. ”

      For the things like the backups where there’s one person not doing the task, then you can become a bit creative. If it’s a blatant omission by the person you can be pretty blunt with it.

      “Bob, I went looking for the backups of the TPS reports and found that we haven’t had a backup in 4 months. I looked through the log and the job has been throwing an error every day during this time period. Can you tell me why you didn’t address this? (wait for response) This task is a requirement of your job and needs to be completed daily. I’d like you to start a log of your daily tasks, please note next to each one the time that you completed it and we’ll review in our weekly 1:1. If you aren’t able to complete something on a particular day make a note why.

      If it’s something else that is not necessarily an intentional oversight or forgetfulness then I’d open up the conversation with “Task A needs to be completed weekly, I’ve noticed that it doesn’t get done unless I mention it. Going forward I need you do this without my reminder. Is there something going on that is preventing this or making it difficult to complete?” (wait for response)
      -common fixes here are going to be you suggesting things like checklists, calendar reminders, logs, whiteboards, different organization methods. etc. IME, people get used to you reminding them to do things, but are pretty good about taking the responsibility on once you shift it back to them and clearly state the expectation.

      The thing that is key here is to not remind them after you set the expectation. You do need to follow up to make sure it’s happening and then either way have a follow up with them. “I’ve noticed that the Elephant cleaning has been completed on time every day for the last week. Did that calendar reminder help or did you try something else? (wait for response) Great, I’m glad to hear that helped. Are you trying the same thing for the daily Antelope brushing?”

      If things haven’t gone well you need to be clear on that as well. “I noticed the Elephant didn’t get cleaned on Tuesday or Wednesday, what happened?” (wait for response) Did you set the reminder, write the list on your whiteboard, etc.? (wait for response) We’ve discussed that this is part of your job and it needs to be done daily. Starting today there will be a log in the Elephant pen and once it’s scrubbed you’ll write down time and initial. I’ll need that log sent to me by COB each Friday.

      In other words… you are the manager, if the the suggestion doesn’t work you need to force them. It’s OK to institute things if you don’t feel like the work is getting done. Sometimes you have to force and it’s your job to do that.

    4. RandomusernamebecauseIwasboredwiththelastone*

      Well crud… lost a really long post. I’ll summarize in case it doesn’t show up…

      You are the boss. If they aren’t getting there themselves then yes you force them. You are the boss and it’s your job to make sure they are doing their jobs and to remove obstacles for the work being done. I’ll give you an really stupid analogy. If you noticed that your employee wasn’t doing a task. Let’s say unplugging the break room toaster. You ask them about it and they tell you, I would do it, but I have to stand in that great big puddle that’s left on the floor after it’s been washed and the last time I did it I got a shock. Would you remove the obstacle/barrier for them by telling the floor crew to wait until after the toaster is unplugged before washing the floor? Sure you would. So an employee ‘forgetting’ is just another obstacle or barrier to be removed and it’s your job to do that. You remove the ‘forgetting’ obstacle by forcing them to ‘remember’. (I’m putting those words in quotes because I’m calling BS on things like ‘forgetting’ to check a backup log for months… that’s plain old not doing your job).

      So if Billy Backup isn’t doing his job you require him to send you a log with backup timestamps for each critical job or some other thing that will give you evidence that Billy is doing his job. (It’s less about your review of the work and more a signal to Billy that he doesn’t have the option not to do the work).

      If people are leaving the door open, you warn them all of the consequences and start disciplinary action for non-compliance with security policy.

      2. Smiling*

        I’ve had these same discussions. Ever try to talk to a brick wall? “I dunno” is generally the answer I get to the questions “why didn’t you do it”, “why couldn’t you do it” or “what can be done to help you remember to do it next time”. (Of course the questions were phrased much better than that).

        I had the computer guy write up a daily task list of all the things he had to do the next day and present the list to me at the end of every day. However, instead of writing what he needed to do, he would present a list of what was already done. I explained that I needed to know that he knew what was needed the next day (multiple conversations on the same theme). It was still a frequent discussion.

        I have had the “this is your task and I need you to take the responsibility” discussions.

        I’m not asking anyone to do anything out of the ordinary or difficult. Because it’s a small business, if any of these people are out, the responsibility to complete their daily tasks often falls on me.

        I guess the question boils down to how to make them do it if I’ve already taken all of the suggested steps and they’re still forgetful. If they have 5 daily tasks and 3 weekly tasks that they forget do I make them come back to me every day to report that each thing is done? Do I make myself a checklist to say that Fergus has reported in on items A, C & D, but hasn’t gotten back to me on B & E?

        I want to do this right and not be the overbearing boss.

    5. LQ*

      Checklists, checklists, checklists.
      Also be accountable for those checklists. It might even include something like. Lock the door. Text Smiling that the door was locked. or Review backup logs and enter the time the backup log was completed into this spreadsheet that you’ll then bring and review at our weekly checkins.

      I’m currently working on a process to get myself and eventually someone else to do a check on something every day thing. I’m totally making a slightly redundant process because it’s easy to skip it and if the process isn’t just “check this thing” but more actioney, “enter this number into this spreadsheet” and then the spreadsheet will light up nice and red if it’s off. And then when the process gets handed off I’m going to suggest that reviewing that spreadsheet become a weekly thing for a while then monthly on an ongoing basis.

      Also? You’re the boss it’s kind of your job to force them to do it. It’s their job to do the thing, it’s your job to hold them accountable. And yes, you can absolutely hold people accountable for doing their job. You should work with them to find a way to do it. Ask them what would help them remember, try different things. But yeah, it’s your job to hold them accountable (force) to doing that part of their job if it is important.

  90. StressedButOkay*

    OP1, you say that you feel bad since they didn’t pick the name but, at the same time, you’re having to bite your tongue to demand that they call me Empress Sweetie Boo or something equally ridiculous (though you preface it by saying it would be done in jest). This does come across like you carry some kind of issue with the person you’re speaking with even though they didn’t pick the name – maybe because they haven’t picked a nickname to go by that you feel more comfortable with, even if you don’t realize it?

    As many have said, the issue is absolutely not with those with the names you aren’t comfortable with and you need to take steps to make it less of an issue that’s not outright avoidance (because that will get noticed).

    OP3, ouch, your boss is a jerk, alright. I also work for a nonprofit that has a locked cabinet where one person is responsible for but I have never heard of their direct manager making them come back if the cabinet was ever left unlock. Unfortunately, since your boss is not likely to turn a new leaf, I recommend following the advice of the other folks on this thread, start a checklist, etc.

    I actually have something I need to do every day right as I’m leaving for the day and, after a few times that I forgot, I set a daily reminder on my phone that goes off 5 minutes before I generally head home. It was a HUGE help to make sure I always did the end of day thing I needed to do.

  91. lkjlksjdlaksd*

    Um I’m absolutely not buying that OP1 is completely unaware that her question is racist. It looks like she’s asking for tacit white approval to continue to be racist. Don’t do that.

          1. Jo*

            That isn’t what gaslighting means. People really, REALLY need to stop overusing that word where it doesn’t apply. She’s upset, she’s defensive, fine, but she’s NOT gaslighting. I’m so SICK of everyone trying to make that word mean, “anything that pushes back on something I say.”

            And, yes, I think OP1 is being unintentionally racist and her response is the perfect example of white fragility, so please, no one @ me about being an “apologist” or “tone policer” (another FAR too overused term) or whatever other fun rhetoric/buzzword folks like to co-opt/appropriate from social justice that don’t even remotely describe what’s actually happening, just because you think it gives you the upper hand in an interaction/automatically makes you sound correct.

            Alison’s response to her was perfect, and I was actually sad upon reading it, because I knew it would get lost in a slew of exactly these types of comments – self-righteous, smug people who are more concerned about scoring points, dehumanizing the “offender” and out-woking each other than actually engaging with the question and situation in a productive, kind, SINCERE, and realistic way – which is NOT the same thing as “coddling,” by the way.

            This is all just so insincere. Everyone is supposed to be perfect, and anyone who isn’t perfect deserves the harshest condemnation possible, including completely inaccurate accusations like this, because this is a zero-sum game, after all. If you argue for kindness towards someone like OP1, for example, that just means you’re “tone policing” or “silencing the oppressed.” There’s no room for nuance, no middle ground, and no understanding whatsoever that you can BOTH find her views extremely problematic/believe that the voices/feelings of the POC here should carry more weight, AND think that marginalized identity or ally status doesn’t give you a get out of jail free card to be disingenuous and blatantly unkind in your responses to her. Nope, it’s one or the other, and you have to pick one. It’s just ludicrous and totally contrary to how human nature works, and no, pointing that out is not “derailing.”

            And with that, I am done reading comments on Ask A Manager. I’ve been a loyal reader for over 10 years, and always loved the commentariat, because it was so different from the rest of the internet. But it’s devolved so much in the last few years, and now it’s just a bunch of people shouting over each other and making every letter all about themselves in some gross version of Ally Theatre. “Look at ME and how WOKE I am! Watch me CHECK this person! Watch me tell them off and call them out in front of everyone and show that I’m not like those *other* racist/oppressive people! Watch me throw around buzzwords inaccurately so that I can manipulate anyone who challenges me into looking like they’re not checking their privilege!” For Pete’s sake, Alison has had to actually close comments sections more and more frequently because you all are more concerned about pumping up your own egos and BLATANTLY IGNORING her commenting rules than you are about actually helping letter writers (see: the recent childcare thread, the ENTIRE Henry/Beth debacle, the jealous manager, the former bully, and many, many others), because you’ve taken it upon yourselves to decide that certain LWs deserve nothing but scorn and contempt, even when they write in in good faith looking for help, much like LW1 did here.

            It’s exhausting, transparent, and frustrating to read – and I am FAR from the only one who has expressed similar loss of patience with it. I will continue to read Alison’s responses, as well as comments that she herself posts, but I’ve had it with the rest.

            Yes, I know that probably none of you care. No, I don’t care that you don’t.

            Peace out.

            1. Phoenix Programmer*

              I wish this could be highlighted blue and put at the top.

              This attitude has driven out or drowned out the reasonable sincere discussions that use to take place here. So many commenters from even 5 years ago are gone because of this upwokemanship.

              Is it a problem that a few people responded by saying – ick this feels racist? No. Is it a problem that there are 200 replies to that message being essentially – yes and my two cents of how un-woke this is reminds me of – terrible anecdote which you op are just as bad as? Yes it is.

            2. Czhorat*

              I’ll gently note that for someone ostensibly concerned about the tone of the comment section yours isn’t great; I see the “piling on” as mostly a case in which the audience has grown to the point that this style forum is a touch unwieldy. There are now over a thousand comments on this post; at midday there were hundreds. You’ll get duplicate comments and ideas because there are lots of people with opinions and not all of them have the time to read through hundreds of comments before adding their own. Nature of the beast.

              That this is some kind of insincere performative wokeness is an idea in your head, and both unkind and unfair.

              1. Phoenix Programmer*

                Except a lot of commenters who should know better by now do indeed come here and be rude to the op in the name of woke educating and they clearly know it’s an issue as they have been told by Alison before that theit comments are rude. Yetthey still crop up here when there are already 400 comments to state their case. That comes across as wokeupmanship. It’s a problem on this thread but in the comments in general lately.

                1. Czhorat*

                  Alison warns people when she feels that they overstep.

                  I don’t think that derailing for vigilante moderation is in the spirit of the forum rules either, yet here we are.

              2. Tinybutfierce*

                Yeah, it’s a bit ridiculous to expect every commenter to read upwards of 500+ comments before they post themselves to make sure they’re not repeating something, especially when it comes to a topic like this. I’m not going to be upset about X amount of people reacting strongly to a question that involves a real, unfair, and outright bigoted situation that countless folks have experienced their entire lives and have every right to be deeply upset about.

            3. Black Targaryen*

              @Jo

              I didn’t read your response in it’s entirety (I counted that it was seven paragraphs long – I read the first two), but I saw a lot of CAPS LOCKS yelling.

              It is gaslighting. Just because it might not be the most egregious form of it you’ve ever seen doesn’t negate the fact that it is. The OP’s original letter was rife with condescension and was derogatory in tone, then their response in the comment was a manipulative “huh? What?! RaCiSm WhEre?” designed to make them look innocent and that tried to make the rest of us seem nuts for reading racism into it.

              That’s gaslighting. What you’re not gonna do is tone police me, the black woman with one of these “ridiculous” names that cannot be uttered.

              1. Phoenix Programmer*

                The OP comments was defensive. That’s not the same as gas lighting.

                The op expressed being hurt by the comments. That’s not gaslighting. It’s a completely understandable reaction to a hundred voices calling you racist and comparing you to their worst real world name related anecdotes when you asked for advice.

                Also Jo is pointing out that the comments here are violating the commenting rules to be kind ti letter writers and take them at their world. If you find that to be unbearable tone policing then don’t comment here – those are the forums rules.

                1. Black Targaryen*

                  “Jo is pointing out that the comments here are violating the commenting rules to be kind ti letter writers and take them at their world. If you find that to be unbearable tone policing then don’t comment here – those are the forums rules.”

                  Alison is the moderator, not you. I’ll comment as I wish, which has been within the rules this far, or else Alison would’ve stepped in.

                  Ps – I did take OP1 “at their word”….that my name is ridiculous, that they have to hold themselves back from making offensive “jokes” about it, that they suppose they won’t hold it against these people since they didn’t choose these absurd names themselves, and that they avoid speaking to them. I responded accordingly. Be blessed and have the day you deserve.

      3. Observer*

        Oh, come on! I wasn’t impressed by the comment – and actually responded. But calling it gaslighting is way overboard.

        1. Black Targaryen*

          It’s not overboard, gaslighting is exactly what that was. My comment directly above to Jo applies to you as well. Gaslighting is not a dirty word and I’ll call it like I see it. I’m not here for it becoming one of those “calling out racism is just as bad as being racist” things. Be well.

          1. Phoenix Programmer*

            Gaslighting is an extreme thing to call someone. It’s essentially accusing them of a form of verbal and mental abuse meant to allow them to keep their ability to abuse the gaslit victim. It should not be tossed out every time someone says – I am hurt by this accusation.

            You can do that if you want but 1) it’s against the comment rules here
            2) it will make gaslighting become meanless which is arguable horrible.

      4. Phoenix Programmer*

        To quote many here – what did you expect?

        That’s how humans react to hundreds of strangers all saying the same thing and assuming the worst possible interpretation when you ask for advice.

  92. Rae*

    On the topic of names, husband almost got in trouble a few times when he was working with two college students (sisters) named Princess and Precious. He was in alumni relations and when someone heard him say “talk to you later Precious” or “hi Princess” on the phone they were concerned he was having an illicit relationship. It was obviously easily resolved, but he quickly learned that people will take whatever they hear the wrong way and run with it.

  93. Maris Crane*

    #1 reminds me of a first aid/CPR course I took a few years ago. The instructor (white, middle-aged, Canadian, for context) introduced himself as Precious. You could almost see all the students think “Huh, that’s different”, then shrug and get on with it. Everyone called him Precious for the 2-day course. At the end, someone noticed that out certificates were signed John LastName. When someone asked about it, the instructor said “Oh yeah, I just like to pick a different name for these courses every few weeks. Last week I was Rocket, last month I used was Sunshine, Flower, and Metal. It’s fun.” All names are “made up”, really, and as Alison and many commenters have pointed out, there can also be cultural/historical/etc significance. Just…use the name people ask you to use. Facile!

  94. Celaena Sardothien*

    OP#1– Like Alison said, giving royal names to black children is an old way of combatting racism, so if you can keep that in mind, I think it would make you feel less silly when you think of what these people have been through. Other than that, just use their names and I promise you’ll get used to it. I used to have a coworker that went by the (nick)name of “Pumpkin.” And, yeah, it felt weird, but no one called her by her real name so it became very normal.

    OP#3– Your boss is being churlish, for sure, but it’s not super out of range for him to want you to lock the cabinets if it’s in your job description. The best thing I can say is set up a little reminder for yourself five minutes before you leave every day–an alert on your phone or something. Or put it on a post-it note somewhere near your work station, whatever works for you.

  95. voyager1*

    LW3:
    I have read most of the comments for you. At previous job I worked at I was responsible for locking up everything 4 days out of the week. I worked in banking with a secure room. I would have never gotten to 5 times in 24 months of forgetting, I would have been long fired by then. I do think your boss is being a jerk about driving back and hanging the keys.

    I used a checklist (which Engineer Girl suggested up thread) to ensure I wouldn’t forget. Right before I left to take this job, the new manager took the responsibility for locking everything up for about 6 weeks. During that time she left things unlocked, this included personal information and files, one of which was 5-10 years worth of annual reviews. Also left unsecured were computer access items that could have brought down the whole bank.

    So while emphaize, you need to lock up everything if it is your job. And no I don’t think your boss has it out for you or is gaslighting you.

    1. Observer*

      Come on, what you are describing is a TOTALLY different situation. There are many differences, the most important being that the key is hanging by the cabinet Which means that the cabinet is not secure, regardless of who locks it.

      The fact that not once in the 5 times that the OP forgot was she the last one to leave, thus truly leaving the cabinet unlocked, also makes a huge difference.

  96. beth*

    Letters of recommendation are a little different in academia in that they are actually expected to be mostly confidential (from the person they’re about) and they can be critical. I’ve never actually seen any of the letters I’ve had written on my behalf; if the application is online, I might get a confirmation notification when it’s submitted, but that’s the extent of it. Even if I had access to them, I wouldn’t expect them to be fully positive; I expect that they focus on my strengths (I try hard to pick recommenders who know me well and can speak to my strong points, after all!), but also acknowledge the, uh, areas where I’m still growing at least enough to show that the recommender knows me in a well-rounded way and is giving a trustworthy account.

    2. Scarlet*

      But… what kind of help was she looking for, exactly? The only possible answer is pretty much “get over it, call people by their names and be polite”. It’s up to her to deal with her own emotions or discomfort. And honestly, unless someone has a name that’s actually offensive, I don’t see why anyone should be so disturbed that they would go out of their way to avoid saying it. I guess you can be surprised the first time you hear it if it’s really unusual to you, but that’s about it really. That’s what being a professional adult is about.

  98. Narise*

    OP 1 My teacher in middle school was named Mr. Pugh. He addressed it right off the bat- it’s okay to say it that’s my name. After a day or two we were all used to it. Practice picturing everyone around a conference table and calling on them out loud using their name. ‘Now Princess will provide an update on the Teapot designs.’ ‘King can you share your thoughts on our plan?’ Once you do this a few times you will be at ease and when you are in that situation for real you won’t be as likely to hesitate before saying their name.

    1. londonedit*

      See…I’m struggling to see how people would have found this one funny or inappropriate! Unless he pronounced it to sound like ‘Poo’?? Pugh is reasonably common in the UK as a surname, but it’s pronounced ‘Pyoo’, like the first name ‘Hugh’, and I don’t think I’ve ever encountered anyone who’s found it strange as far as names go. In fact, the only reaction someone called Pugh is likely to get in the UK is if someone’s old enough to remember a children’s TV programme called Trumpton, where there was a group of firefighter characters whose names were always read out in a sing-song voice – ‘Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble, Grubb’.

      1. Narise*

        It was pronounced similar to pew but sounded a bit like P.U. which means something stinks in the US. We should not have minded but we were in middle school and not very mature.

  99. Anon from the Bronx*

    #3-what is the point of locking a cabinet & leaving the key hanging on the side? Your boss is a jerk.

  100. EvanMax*

    OP1: It’s worth considering that other names you are perfectly comfortable with mean these same things in other languages. You probably wouldn’t bat an eye at calling a coworker “Sarah”, but that is actually the Hebrew word for a noblewoman or other woman holding a high position in society (so not far off from “Princess”). Additionally “Melissa” is Greek for “bee” (“Meli-” is honey) and “Rex” and Malik both mean “king”, in Latin and Arabic respectively.

    While I don’t think that it makes some one a horrible person to occasionally be amused by a name that sounds odd in your own vernacular (Goodluck Jonathan and Batman bin Suparman are both names that I’ve giggled about in private) it’s a completely different thing to be amused by an unintended amusing name and move on, versus actively refusing to call an individual by their given name. To be clear, amusing unintended names don’t even have to come from a different culture, such as how I learned today that Albert Brooks was actually born with the name Albert Einstein, which he changed for the obvious reason.

    1. Rae*

      I spent an entire summer in college filing depositions, filing as in putting them in file cabinets. There was much giggling to be had over many, many names. To myself. And boy do I have some doozies.

    2. Becky*

      There’s a great scene in a Discworld book where Vimes is introduced to a person named “Cheery Littlebottom.” Cheery is obviously expecting ridicule and has experienced it before but Vimes doesn’t do that. Vimes has one private laugh after but then it becomes normal.

  101. Jyrgen N*

    About #2: you write “it’s far, far worse for the person who’s losing their job” — but that is not necessarily the case. I was laid off once; we had botched a large project, and the company, a small one of less than 50 people, had to lay off people to survive. I not only understood that, but also due to the stress in said project I had already tried to find another job a while earlier.

    When the head of the company (also one of the owners) pronounced that decision in front of us seven who were let go, he was *grey* in the face. Until then I had always thought this was just a figure of speech, but his face was really grey. He managed to get through his small speech, but I found it quite clear that he suffered from this more than any of us; certainly more than me. It was in part compassion, but I think also hurt pride, and the feeling of having failed us and the company. He took it really personally.

    1. Colette*

      I think caring managers do find it really hard to let people go and, if the person being laid off/fired has other job options and has seen it coming, it can be harder on the manager. I’ve been laid off 3 times, and the last time was definitely harder on the person who told me than it was on me.

      But regardless, it’s not OK for that person to cry or complain about it. It’s just not. The impact of not having a job is higher than the impact of having to do something horrible – maybe not at the moment, but over the coming weeks and months.

      1. fposte*

        Yup. I think it can feel like you’re being more sympathetic if you’re clearly sad too, as with job rejections, but 1) you’re not and 2) it’s not about you anyway.

  102. mark132*

    In regards to OP1 I wouldn’t have any problems with the names in this case, but at some point I can think of some names that would give me pause. There are for example rare cases of people who have named their child stuff like ‘hitler’ as a first name or ‘Adolph Hitler Smith’. I’m not going to likely ever be comfortable calling someone “Hitler”.

    1. Czhorat*

      Yes, but that is clearly, CLEARLY different.

      If you ask to be called “Hitler” or similar then you deserve ostracism. If you choose to be called “Prince” or “King” then you deserve to be called “Prince” or “King”.

    2. DoctorateStrange*

      This is quite a false equivalence. Being called “Princess” is not the same as someone being called after a horrible man.

      1. mark132*

        It’s a good thing I didn’t make that comparison then. My point is there are some names that would be a problem, not the examples given above. And my point is there really are some (fortunately rare) names people have that would give me issues with using.

  103. Anonnie Annie*

    #1: If you’re uncomfortable using people’s names, just…….. don’t. I don’t mean give them a nickname or anything demeaning like that- and definitely do not demand they call you something you find ridiculous. That is incredibly demeaning. Just don’t use anyone’s name unless you have to. This might be an unpopular opinion, but sometimes it’s okay to just accept that you’re uncomfortable with something and work around it, as long as it’s not at the expense of anyone else. Maybe I just got spooked using names as a child- it seemed like I never could pronounce people’s names right or remember if someone’s mom was Mrs. Smith or Ms. Jones or Mrs. Smith-Jones, so it was generally much safer not to use names. Whatever the reason, you often don’t actually need to use people’s names all that much. Yes, when you’re talking about them with a third party, you do need to use names, but in regular conversation, not using someone’s name isn’t odd. Or using a person’s name once, then substituting it for pronouns instead. I know I’m weird about this, and have given it a lot of thought. If you do this, though, do it across the board. Don’t use Sally’s name all the time but never use King’s or Cloud’s name, for example. I think this works well for me because I rarely use anybody’s name- even family members.

    At the end of the day, however, they are just names. To some cultures *your* name is weird, and very often, “ordinary” names are derived from a word in a different language that literally means “princess” or “king” or something you find peculiar when the person’s name is the English word.

  104. Katherine*

    A few years ago, as I packed up my office after getting laid off from a job, my grandboss walked by- at like 4 pm, when I’d been notified at 10 am. She said “You ok?” I said “Yes” and she said “Oh ok [dramatic sigh]…I have to go get drunk now.” Apparently *witnessing* a mass layoff was the real struggle, not *being part of* it. I wasn’t even upset to lose that job, but I remain super annoyed by that conversation.

  105. Amber Rose*

    I’m reminded of an old letter (I’m a little vague on details) where a man named King was told to change his actual name because it made his coworker uncomfortable. :/

    It wasn’t OK then, it’s still not OK.

  106. ShokoTheCat*

    OP #4 – I wasn’t comfortable getting out of the house to go somewhere public with my baby even 2-3 months after she was born, especially with my first. I had some issues with healing and was in a lot of pain for months after wards, and then add to the fact that I just didn’t want to expose my new baby to the general public. So if the party planner keeps pushing or trying to accommodate you, you can let them know it might be MONTHS before the baby is able to make a public appearance, or you feel up to going to a social event. This is provided you even deliver on time and not two weeks late! Babies come when they come, and it’s totally unpredictable how you will feel afterwards and what you might be capable of doing. I was okay with sitting at work, but just didn’t have the energy to go to an (optional) social event when I could be at home resting.

    *I can’t imagine bringing a 2 week old to a work party. The most socializing I did at 2 weeks postpartum was chill on the couch at my parents’ house in my milk-stained sweats.

  107. overcaffeinatedandqueer*

    The only time I refused to use someone’s real name was when I once had a speech team meet. Ran into a competitor from another school who was a tall, blonde, blue eyed, pretty girl named “Firstname Hitler.”

    Young, just-out-to-myself queer me, who had just learned how people like me were persecuted by Hitler, just couldn’t stomach it. But she was nice enough and as far as I know, did not hold Nazi views.

    Speech and debate, especially in a state with a lot of international students and a large Indian/Pakistani population led to some interesting name encounters. I once laughed super hard at the name “Boat” for a girl I was going against, until I saw the judge’s note (“she is from Thailand, THAT IS HER NAME!”) Another opponent was this guy I often saw, called Krishna. Invariably, a judge would pronounce it as “Kristina” during award time because of lack of knowledge and not seeing him beforehand and knowing he was a guy.

    Finally, at the end of the season, he got frustrated and yelled “THANKS BUT I’M NOT A GIRL!” at the emcee.

    1. CommanderBanana*

      I knew a man named Adolph who understandably went by the nickname AJ. Unless someone is actually naming their kid Adolph Hitler (which some people in the US have done!), Adolph and Hitler are just names that have a terrible association (I am Jewish FWIW). If I met someone with the last name Hitler I would just assume it was a very unfortunate coincidence. Like your last name being Pot or Ceaușescu.

      A friend of mine married a man who has a terrible last name – it’s an Anglicization of a Dutch name that now has a really unfortunate connotation (think TinyPenis) and half of his family has changed it back to the original spelling and half hasn’t.

      1. Belle8bete*

        I think it’s kind of sucky not to avoid saying “Hitler” if that is her last name. That’s giving a name Voldemort level power. Also, she probably didn’t choose it for herself.

  108. Employment Lawyer*

    3. My boss makes me drive back to work if I forget to lock our cabinets — even when he’s still there
    Yeah, this is on you.

    Look: He’s the boss. He’s telling you “do this task, and do it this way, it’s important to me.” He’s calling you in because he’s (properly) pissed off that you refuse to prioritize something that your boss repeatedly says is important.

    It doesn’t matter if YOU think it’s important or not. He does. Do it or get fired.

    1. Czhorat*

      This is not only unkind, but simplistic in that it completely ignores context. OP’s forgot about five times in two years, so once every several months. This is not ideal, but hardly the derelection of duty you seem to be making it out to be. You’re also ignoring the fact that having an employee drive a forty-minute round trip just so you can prove a point to them is, at best, cruel. It’s petty-tyrant behavior which you should not be encouraging.

      1. a1*

        Yes, exactly. A lot of people are missing this, but most are still being kind about it. She IS locking the cabinet every day. 5 misses in 2 years is hardly shirking her job duties. What is asinine is on the occasions where it’s been missed, and there is someone else there, he makes her drive back to work to lock it. Sure, go ahead and ding her for missing it, but really 5 times in 2 years is a great track record.

        1. LJay*

          I’m going to push back on the idea that 5 times in 2 years is a great track record.

          There are plenty of tasks where you just can’t screw up that much. Would it be okay if the payroll processor screwed up processing someone’s payroll once every two months? Would it be okay if someone shipping hazardous materials forgot to declare the items as hazardous once every two months?

          If this was an outside door to a shop or a bank would it be okay to leave it unlocked every two months?

          If this was a compliance related concern, leaving it unlocked could be just as big as a concern as any one of those things. (Though, leaving the key right next to the damn cabinets kind of makes the whole thing ridiculous).

          If something is part of your job, you come up with a way to do it consistently all the time.

          (But making her drive back to lock it, when the boss could just as easily lock it, is deeply uncool. Write her up if it’s that big of a deal, but don’t make her drive back to lock it.)

          1. a1*

            There are plenty of tasks where you just can’t screw up that much.

            Of course, but this isn’t one of them. And none of your scenarios apply here. If they did, then yes, missing even once would be bad. But this is not one of those cases.

    2. Sandy*

      I think you are not answering the question the LW asked. She is seeking some external validation(hey, I’m not overreacting, right?) and the answer is no, she is not. Her employer certainly can prioritize locking the cabinets and ‘teaching’ her that it’s such a priority that she has to drive back 40 minutes from home to lock the cabinets, even if he is there and can do it himself. He is, however, absolutely being a jerk about it, starting with the moment he told her she magically should have known it was her responsibility. Now she knows that for sure, she can take the rest of Allison’s advice and assess his other behavior towards her. Then she can decide whether it’s a deal-breaker.

    3. LJay*

      Calling them back in to make them relock the cabinet, when the boss is able to lock it himself, is not an appropriate response.

      It’s a bit like rubbing the dog’s nose in it’s mess to punish it for going to the bathroom on the floor, which isn’t even appropriate treatment for a dog.

      If it is important, then write the OP up for missing it. Fire them if they miss it enough. Don’t make them drive 40 minutes (while presumably the boss sits around for 40 minutes) to come relock a thing that you could just as easily relock.

    4. EventPlannerGal*

      Completely disagree.

      “He’s calling you in because he’s (properly) pissed off” – that’s not how this should work. He is telling the OP to drive in, at night, on a sometimes dangerous drive, for 40 minutes each way, unpaid, in order to lock the cabinet. On the occasion that she had no car, she felt so pressured to do this that she tried to hitch-hike. That is not reasonable behaviour. If the cabinets are this important then the priority should be on getting somebody, anybody, who is still in the office to lock them – not inflicting some kind of bizarre punishment exercise on the OP to teach her a lesson, especially when doing so will actually *delay* getting the cabinets locked.

      And “he’s the boss” is not some kind of word of God handed down from heaven on tablets of stone. Employees are allowed to question if the systems in place in their workplaces make sense, and from the OP’s description it sounds as though this one does not.

  109. Liz T*

    TANGENT TIME

    When I was a temp in a finance big shot’s office, he was at one point visited by the Prince of Greece. I assumed there was some sort of family name, like Romanov or Windsor, so I looked him up.

    The man has no last name.

    There is, technically, a house name, but his official name is just “Pavlos, Crown Prince of Greece.” We were in a huge building with an online guest registration system, and you had to present photo ID to get in, and I had no idea whether this man had an ID that said “Pavlos Glucksburg” or what. We had to call down to plaza reception to warn them, and let them know he was in the system under the surname “Ofgreece.” They were amused and he got in without incident.

    I got to escort him to the conference room so I’ve technically spoken to a crown prince!

      1. Rusty Shackelford*

        Yes, but don’t they usually have a name they use for situations where a last name is required? Like Prince William going by William Wales at school?

          1. Rusty Shackelford*

            According to Wikipedia (link in my username):

            “Although the name of the Royal House is Windsor, the surname Mountbatten-Windsor belongs to all the children and male-line descendants of Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Philip, and is used, if needed, by those who do not have the style of Royal Highness and the title Prince or Princess;[135] when a female descendant marries, she traditionally takes her husband’s surname from that point onward, and their children take their father’s.

            Both Princes William and Harry used Wales as their surname for military purposes; this continues to be the case for William since his creation as Duke of Cambridge.[136]”

          2. Rusty Shackelford*

            And a Scottish newspaper article (link in username) about his graduation from St. Andrews says:

            “The prince was listed as “William Wales, Tetbury, Gloucestershire – geography”.

  110. Mae West*

    I have so many feelings re: #1!
    Personally, I really dislike names such as Bob, Art, Sissy, Pat, but never felt the urge to ridicule anyone because of their name. I definitely don’t want to live in a world full of Jens and Johns.

    OP #1, you seem to have an insular life. Please expand your horizons.

  111. AKchic*

    Letter 1: I’m thinking that these are either health or financial records that require two-lock security. The cabinet is the first set of locks, and the door to the room/building is the second set of locks.

    This is all well and good, except that the execution really isn’t helping in regards to the whole “come back and DO YOUR JOB” when that is only one small component of your job. By your description, you are a model employee except for 5 instances in 24 months once you found out that your instructions were wrong.
    If your boss isn’t problematic about anything else, it would be worthwhile to discuss this issue with him and another supervisor (grandboss?) when you aren’t arguing about the cabinet because it was forgotten in the last week. If he has micromanaging issues about other things too (which, it seems like it since other coworkers call him abusive?) then it may seem like a good time to start looking for other work, and make sure to highlight all of his issues in the exit interview. And maybe Glassdoor.

  112. Kitty*

    The keys are hanging next to the cabinet! Am I missing something? Couldn’t anyone open them at any time regardless of whether or not they have been locked? Ridiculous.

  113. Mother of Cats*

    OP 1: My name is Princess, and I’m Filipino. Only my family calls me Princess, and everyone else calls me by my nickname. I personally find it hard to be taken seriously with my name.

    THAT SAID, if someone introduces herself as Princess, Prince, Queen, or King, that’s the name they’re comfortable using. As a coworker you should respect that and keep jokes to yourself.

  114. Observer*

    #1 – I haven’t been able to plow through all of the posts, but something that I have not seen covered yet. As Allison and others have noted, most of the names you mention sound like they are most common in either the Black or other minority communities.

    It’s bad enough that you are refusing to interact with people because you disapprove of their names. (Really!) As far as anyone can see, you are refusing to interact with non-white colleagues. If anyone notices that pattern, your employer is going to HAVE to take that very seriously.

    The other problem here is how you are dealing with people who are not coworkers. Are you in any decision making capacity regarding vendors? Are you penalizing vendors or salespeople who have “inappropriate” names? I really hope that you have ZERO interaction with patients. I would not want anyone with your attitude dealing with a patient or family member who has a name you deem “improper”. Your contempt is just too much of a problem there.

    1. nne*

      Thank you. I once worked for an American company that made their foreign employees take American (read White) names for work. It’s not fair that you would feel uncomfortable saying someone’s name simply because its a different culture from yours. Please expand your horizons, step out of your comfort zone, its bad enough that many HR staff reject qualified people because of their non-white names, don’t join those ranks. Please.

  115. Observer*

    #4 – I think that the best thing you can do is tell the coworker that they need to NOT schedule the party around you due date. You are not going to be able to attend any parties for at least 4 weeks after the baby is born, with or without the kid. And you DO NOT KNOW WHEN THE KID WILL ARRIVE. Even a pushy doctor will not induce ON your due date, unless there is something specific going on (eg loss of fluid)

    Yes, some women are up to stuff like parties much sooner, but it’s common enough that it’s a useful planning metric. If you feel better and WANT to party sooner, that’s great. But if you plan on it not happening, you’re better off. And it takes stupid pressure like this off of you.

  116. Workfromhome*

    #1 -I experienced this working in a Canadian office (where names like Princess would bet extremely uncommon) but often speaking with a US emplyeee namded Princess. I didn’t think much of it until I realized my conversations could be heard by others. “Ok Princess, Thanks Princess or I’ll make sure to do that right away princess”. Apparently some coworkers assumed I was talking to my wife and referring to her by some pet name ! The same as if I was saying “Ok Sweetiepie or Honey Bun etc.

    I actually found it quite funny and did mention to people around me and we all had a good laugh (not at the person’s name but at the perception).

  117. Book recommendation*

    I have a book rec for anyone interested in covert or color-blind racism, white fragility, and why it is a bigger sin in our society to call someone a racist than to be one: Jane Hill’s “Everyday Language of White Racism” (Wiley-Blackwell). She is a foremother of my field, and recently departed. Her work is available open access at some anthropology journals in memorial and in testimony to the rigor and influence of her work.

  118. That One Person*

    For #1 it’s not all that different from dealing with foreign names either. Sure it’s uncomfortable to say as its not a customary name for you, but eventually with enough repetition (and likely coaching from the owner in this example) it becomes a nonissue. Granted some might have nicknames easier to say, but not all of them. So yes, it’ll be uncomfortable at first, but it’ll normalize eventually.

    Meanwhile I enjoyed the little history factoid attached to the answer! Never personally questioned it, but I’ve known people named Precious, Grace, Preeti (but when I first heard it, it sounded like Pretty), and various others that gave a moment’s pause for one reason or another.

  119. Suzy*

    OP1 – Honestly, my impression of that letter is that it is racism doctored up to look like “discomfort.” The fact that the names that were singled out are all names popular in black or other minority communities, that the letter writer made fun of the names as ridiculous (which shows his/her real feelings), and the “its not their fault” that they have the name (which is a veiled way of blaming the parents as ignorant). This all seemed racially biased…

    To me this stance is not much different than all of the white people who call 911 about black people doing regular activities (e.g., BBQ Betty, Permit Patty, etc. ). They all use the same defense. “I was confused. I was uncomfortable.” “Something didnt seem right… I wasnt sure if that person should be here.” They all deny that they are motivated by race and instead claim some other discomfort. Come on.

    Other commentators are saying that they are glad the letter writer wrote in, but I cant help but wonder if this wasn’t a veiled attempt to shame a group of people over their names. Does this adult really need to be told “You call people by the name they want to be called?” I wonder if one some level the letter writer really just wanted to make the point that he/she thinks these names are ridiculous.

    I did like Alison’s no nonsense response and her direct but polite calling out of the letter writer that possibly race is playing a role, as well as the reference to historical factors about why some names are more popular in some communities.

    But I feel that we cant tip toe about the racist aspect of this letter. Its shameful.

    1. EvanMax*

      One of my better past bosses taught me to “assume positive intent”. I had been in retail for almost a decade at that point, getting jaded about interactions with customers who thought they were getting one over on me, but my boss at the time drilled in to me that as long as one is doing what is right, it doesn’t matter what the intent of the other party is, and the outcome will always be better (or at least never be worse) if you treat them as though they are coming to you honestly, not harboring secret ill intentions.

      It’s just like Alison has said in the past, regarding questions about whether some letter writers might be fabricating their stories for some kind of weird attention, rather than asking real questions: It doesn’t matter. As long as the answer given is appropriate to the question, then it may eventually help someone else in that situation, even if the letter writer wasn’t 100% truthful in their own case.

  120. Database Developer Dude*

    I’m absolutely gobsmacked at the number of people who are giving the boss a pass on thinking a brand new employee should have known that training he/she was given was incorrect. I’m also gobsmacked at the number of people who are okay with the OP required to do a meaningless task just because, when even if she did it right, someone could come along after and undo it, and she’d still have the responsibility for it.

    Just because someone’s the boss doesn’t make them right. Making excuses for them leaves you suspect.

    2. Colette*

      Suspect of what?

      Based on the OP’s letter, the boss is being overly picky about this one thing. Is there a reason we don’t know about? Maybe. Is the boss a jerk? Maybe. Is the OP falling down on the job in other areas that are less easy to measure/pinpoint? Maybe.

      But the OP has the following options:
      – put processes into place to make sure she always locks the cabinet
      – tell her boss it’s a meaningless task, refuse to do it, and take the consequences to her career
      – quit (possibly for a job where a different boss requires her to do a different meaningless task)

  121. The Gollux (Not a Mere Device)*

    OP3:

    One way to be sure you’d locked up would be to make a checklist item that said something like “lock the cabinet, put the keys on the magnet, and say ‘goodnight, Boss, I just locked the cabinet’ on your way out.” That might also give you a better idea of whether your boss actually thinks that you locking the cabinet is important or is looking for an excuse to criticize you.

    That would be a particularly good idea if there’s any possibility that, at any of the times that he called and demanded you come back to lock up, you had locked up and then someone else unlocked the cabinet.

    “OP must lock the cabinet on her way out, even if other people are still there and might open it again” is a stupid requirement, but one you can fulfill. “OP must lock the cabinet on her way out, and then come back to lock it again if anyone else unlocks it that night” is unreasonable; adding “and will not be paid for the time it takes her to drive back” is doubly so. I suspect that “may be called at any hour, regardless of weather or other conditions, to perform a trivial task” doesn’t count as “on call” for FLSA purposes–but it has all the disadvantages of being on call, in terms of interference with the rest of your life.

  122. Raven*

    Don’t know if this was already pointed out, but OP1, you should look up the origin of Mr. T’s name to underscore Alison’s point about royal names in black communities.

  123. peachie*

    I know I’m late on this, but the discussion on #1 reminded me of an Allusionist podcast I listened to recently about folks with ‘noun’ names (like Princess or Tiger). She has a few people on to discuss their relationship with their name, and I think it’s very relevant to the discussion. (One of the guests is named Princess!) I linked the episode in my name, and there’s a link on that page to the transcript.

  124. Plain Jane*

    I’m late to the party, but when I had a job function that had to be done at the end of the day per my company’s SLA I set an outlook reminder with an alarm and a pop-up I had to address in order to log out, and after that reminder I never forgot to do it.

  125. Oaktree*

    My partner had a teacher in grade 3 who refused to call certain students by their real names if the names were “too ethnic”. She wouldn’t call him by his given name, Jose, and would insist on calling him Josh (not his actual name or the replacement, just by way of example). He’s 31 and this still really bothers him.

    OP, these things stick with people. It’s really disrespectful to refuse to call someone by their given or chosen name, no matter what you think of it. Honestly, grow up and deal with it- call them by their names. It’s not that hard.

    1. The Man, Becky Lynch*

      Arggggh and the teacher/student power dynamic is so much bigger too. I don’t blame him for still being upset.

      At least if a coworker acted a mess, I would drag them to the depths of HR and back until they got themselves fixed up right or I would be making life otherwise uncomfortable for the bigot.

    2. Else*

      This seems so common! It’s so weird – why would someone be so disrespectful??? If you can’t pronounce something, you practice until you can. Just yesterday, some people who are supposedly professionals were going on about names in this way in a prenatal class I was attending. They were SO pleased when people with these supposedly unpronounceable/unspellable names picked out “basic American names” in self defense. Though they seemed mocking about the ones they picked. >:(

  126. Ali in London*

    Calling people by other names is just rude. I remember getting chatted up on a holiday to Italy a few years ago – it ended badly.
    Hot Italian Dude. ‘I do not understand this name, Alison. I have a better name, I will call you Alessandra!’
    Me: ‘Not if you want me to answer you, you won’t.’
    And that was the end of that…

  127. Asperger Hare*

    I used to have a co-worker called ‘Anyway’. It was an unfamiliar name for me at first, so I felt awkward and a bit self-conscious for the first couple of times using it. Then I got used to it, and in the end it was just his name. I would encourage you to approach this with the same kind of attitude.

  128. hericane*

    Props to Alison for dropping some black history knowledge before someone else could. Thank you for that.

  129. River Walker*

    #1 , as a teacher I’ve had students named Jezebel, Messiah, Lourdes, Jesus and Mohammad. I’m an atheist and yes, I found (still find) the names uncomfortable but it doesn’t matter. I’m a teacher, not the Judger of Names.

    I will be honest, I’ve struggled the most with students named Abcde, Love and M’Lord, but again, my place is to teach my students to read, not judge them (or their parents) based on their names.

  130. Database Developer Dude*

    The whole point of the meaningless task issue is this:
    1. The key hangs on the side of the cabinet, so it’s not like locking the cabinet secures it anyway
    2. Regardless of #1, someone else could unlock the cabinet after OP is gone, to include the boss

    This whole thing smacks of OP being set up for failure, and it really shocks me how many people here are okay with this. Being the boss doesn’t mean personal whim is law. Dumb requirements are no less dumb simply because they are requirements. My boss could insist that I hop up and down on one leg and cluck like a chicken five times before I’m allowed to leave for the day…

  131. Anon for this*

    #1 – I worked with someone with a common Indian name that also happens to sound like a swear word in English. This person was born & raised in India, so it’s not like his parents were insensitive. Everyone at work called him by his full name, though he had come up with an Americanized short version of it. In short time, the name normalized for us and no one at work thought twice about using it. Use their names out of respect for the people behind the names. It won’t be long before it becomes very natural to you. If you don’t, it will come off as very insulting. Consider how it might feel to you to have to see or hear someone’s reaction in hearing your name every time you give it.

  133. I Have A Weird Name*

    Really glad to see no one else is putting up a lot of tolerance for OP1’s issue. Ignoring someone and treating them differently because of their name is just wrong.

  134. fogharty*

    A lot of the comments on OP#1’s letter reminded me of one of my Toxic Work Places where my coworker would file paperwork for seasonal workers and felt the need to mock any name that wasn’t similar to “John” or “Mary”..

    One day she was fixated on a particular name that is popular in the black community, and kept asking everyone “What kind of name is that? Who gives a kid that name?” She was doing this not only to me but to all the managers and directors, who were just fine with her behavior.

    I said it was a toxic job.

    I’m glad this isn’t you, OP#1 and it’s good you wrote in. The discussion has been very interesting.

    1. londonedit*

      Reminds me of a friend’s husband…I live in a multicultural city but grew up in a rural area that, historically, hasn’t seen much immigration. I was back there visiting family at Christmas and went for a walk with some old school friends. A couple of women passed us speaking an Eastern European language, and my friend’s husband commented: ‘Ah, that must be a [local town] accent’. No one responded, so he made his ‘joke’ again. He’s the sort of bloke who claims he’s ‘not racist’ but then moans about the fact that you ‘never hear English being spoken these days’ and about the fact that there’s a Polish food section in the local supermarket.

  136. cheluzal*

    1: I just hope all you commenters advocating (appropriately) acceptance of names outside of OP’s “norm” aren’t hypocrites and would grant the same courtesy to the lily white mom who names her kid Apple or Cotton…or Abcde (Ab-sed-ee).

    1. Lady Phoenix*

      I would unless the child asked me otherwise.

      Kids have it bad enough when their own peers make fun of their names, but To have adults do it to can cause some serious eff ups with the poor child.

      I would also respectfully call any trans or nonbinary child by their preferred name, and never their dead name.

      1. overcaffeinatedandqueer*

        Thanks for the latter! I am non-binary and don’t change my name, and only my wife calls me by my initial, which is far less gendered than my actual name. I just hope people don’t think my keeping my female sort of name is too unusual as I change. Truth is, I don’t like many of the sort of “modern” non-binary name options, nor the gender neutral names there are like Taylor/Jordan.

        1. The Gollux (Not a Mere Device)*

          It’s your name, and people seem to accept non-binary people using names that are generally coded male. (If they’re accepting at all, but that’s a larger issue, unfortunately.)

    2. EventPlannerGal*

      I would. I’m as white as it gets, but had my name relentlessly mocked as a child because it was considered old-fashioned and too posh for my social class – think, like, Ermintrude in a class full of Britneys and Taylors. Now that older names are back in style I actually get compliments on it all the time, but for years I felt really ashamed and self-conscious about it. It’s a cruel thing to do regardless of the nane’s origin.

    3. Observer*

      100%

      For some of us, the understanding of the need to be respectful of names comes from personal experience within our own communities.

      If you read the comments most of the people are pretty explicit that respecting names needs to be universal – in fact the Abcde fiasco.

  137. overcaffeinatedandqueer*

    OP1, if you’re still reading, some real advice, not out-woking or piling on:

    Read some of the book series “The No. 1 Ladies’ Detective Agency.” They all take place in Botswana, Africa, and the main character is called Precious. It’s a neat way to become more comfortable with similar names, reading about this character with such a name. Plus, the books are good, light fun.

  138. Mr M*

    Having been laid-off from three different companies in the past six years, if the next person who lays me off gets emotional, I’m going to laugh in their face…

  139. Green Square*

    (Anonymizing my name for this post) I have a coworker named Baby. It made me feel really awkward to say “Hey Baby, can you check if the server has been rebooted?” … But that’s his name, so that’s what I said!

  140. katherine*

    Alison, would it be possible to have a comment stickied up top linking to the Snopes piece about how no, a friend of a friend didn’t know a kindergarten teacher with a kid named Placenta or Vagina or whatever, particularly because urban legends like that tend to be racially charged in a similar way to what’s mentioned in the response to the LW (and certainly were in their oldest form, the Snopes article reproduces a few particularly gruesome examples)?

  141. Avatre*

    @#1: I actually know someone named Honey. Her email signature includes the line “Yes, that actually is my name” (though she has a pretty unusual last name as well). But I adjusted pretty fast. It would be a little weirder to call someone Princess, I think (at least at first), but trust me, after a while it’s just their name.

  142. Casey*

    Dunno about other fields but in academia you most certainly cannot read your recommendation letter.

  143. Ben*

    #1 Would you find it easier to imagine their names were pronounced this way, but spelt differently?

    For example, Honey > Huhnee, Sir > Sair, King > Kehng.

  144. uniquely named*

    Regarding #1, I have an unusual first name also. I can definitely tell when people avoid addressing me because they are unsure of the pronunciation. It’s annoying, and sometimes I worry it causes me to miss out on connections with others. I’m proud of my unique name, but it’s not always easy to wear.

    Keep in mind that the Princesses and Sirs of the world have a similar struggle, and will have more respect and appreciation for you if you can learn to address them as you would anyone with a more typical name.

    When you encounter names that are difficult to pronounce, don’t be afraid to ask. It’s not rude, and most of us take it as a sign of respect and caring.

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