my coworker doesn’t want me to have a communal candy dish because of temptation

by Alison Green on January 31, 2019

A reader writes:

I keep a candy dish on my desk – have done so for years. It’s communal. I often fill it. Others contribute. It sits alongside some Aleeve and Tums that are also communal. Lots of people express happiness that it is there. Many people say they enjoy the candy. It can go long stretches being empty. The last few weeks it’s been filled with chocolate kisses.

Twice in the last week I have come in to find the candy dish removed from my desk and placed in one of my desk drawers. Last time it was placed in there empty. This time it still had a few remaining pieces of candy in it.

Annoyed, I removed it from the drawer and placed it back on my desk where others can access it. I said, out loud (it’s an open floor plan, you can easily be heard), that people needed to stop removing things from my desk and hiding them in my drawer.

One coworker then turned and joked, “That’s for fat people like me.” And I responded, being sure to remove any hint of jest from my voice, “Seriously, it’s not okay to keep removing things from my desk.”

At that point, another coworker who sits two desks over, walks over and says, “I moved it because you weren’t here and I’m trying to not eat unhealthy things and I can’t when I can see it.” To which I responded that it wasn’t okay to keep removing things off of someone else’s desk — that they’re not just there for me, that they’re for the community and I would appreciate if she stopped removing my candy dish from my desk.

She then said that she couldn’t refrain from eating unhealthy things and that seeing them made her want to eat them and therefore she needed to hide them. And that if they were out while I was at my desk, she would leave them because I may want to eat them, but if I wasn’t at my desk (and I do go stretches without being at my desk for a few days) that she needed them hidden and would continue to remove them.

I said that was unacceptable, and that it just wasn’t okay to go moving things around on someone else’s desk. And furthermore, you can’t remove all temptation. She can’t just move the vending machine or the snack store in the building. To which she responded, “Well, if they’re for the community, how about I just throw them all away instead when you leave them out.” To which I said, “I think you should reconsider going onto someone else’s desk and removing items intended for the community, including throwing them away.” And she said, “I think you should reconsider keeping them out.” Then she sat back down.

I will concede that perhaps I was quick to get annoyed that someone kept removing/moving things on my desk. But it’s my desk and it felt like a bit of an invasion to have someone moving items around — it’s the opening the desk drawer part that I think actually bothered me (even though there is nothing secret or of value inside).

Second, given some extenuating circumstances, I would be willing to be cooperative about displaying food items. For example, if you just developed a peanut allergy, I would refrain from including peanut M&Ms anymore since they would be a temptation for someone dealing with a serious health issue.

In a previous complaint about the candy, she brought nuts and filled the dish with nuts. I — a person who doesn’t like nuts — was happy to have the dish to host nuts for a period of time.

But it just strikes me — and this where I might be wrong so please tell me if so — that one person’s inability to deal with temptation doesn’t justify denying everyone access to my candy dish or that someone should feel free to move things on my desk as they please. They’re not presenting any harm. They don’t smell (which is a problem with another coworkers desk). This strikes me as a not my problem, your problem, situation that I shouldn’t be expected to accommodate. And escalating to threaten to throw my candy away seems childish and petty, and makes me want to make clear to her that such action would be out of line.

Am I being unreasonable by demanding that my candy dish be left alone on my desk? Or am I being unreasonable by insisting my coworker continue to work two desks over from a bowl of candy of which she could partake? Should I say something to her making clear it’s not okay to throw my candy away? Would I just escalate further if go buy more candy and ensure it’s never empty?

Some people might think this is a lot of words to devote to a small problem, but I think it touches on big issues in interesting ways: how we coexist in a shared space where we’re captive audiences to other people and their stuff, what we can and can’t ask of people sharing that space with us, and what battles are worth fighting with colleagues, even when we’re right.

And to be clear, you are in the right. It’s perfectly okay for you to put communal candy out on your desk, just like it would be okay to leave baked goods in the kitchen with a “please help yourself” note or, as you noted, for your company to stock vending machines with snacks for whoever wants them. Not everyone will want your candy, or those baked goods, or the offerings in the vending machine, and the solution is for them to pass those items by, not to insist on removing them from their sight and depriving others of them.

That said, I suspect you might have responded differently to your coworker’s request if she had made it in a different way. What if she had come to you and said, “I’m sorry to ask this because I know a lot of people enjoy the communal candy, but I’m really trying to avoid temptation right now and for some reason that candy dish breaks my will power like nothing else. Would you be open to keeping it in your drawer instead, and letting people know they can go in there to get candy if they want it? Or moving it to the kitchen, so it’s not right in my line of sight all day?” You still might have been a little annoyed, and it’s still a bit high-maintenance, but I bet you would have been way more sympathetic to her — and more inclined to work with her to come up with a solution.

So your coworker is in the wrong in two ways here: first, in thinking she can insist you not have a communal candy dish and second, in the way she’s handling it.

But it doesn’t necessarily follow that because she’s wrong and you’re right, you should dig in your heels. This is work and you need to get along with people, and entering a battle with her over candy may not be the wisest course — and in particular, may look like a questionable way to spend energy to other people who happen to witness it.

One different option is to say to your coworker, “I’m sorry it’s tough to see it! But so many other people enjoy it that I don’t want to get rid of it entirely. How about I block it from your view by putting it behind these hanging folders in the corner of my desk instead, so you’d have to go out of your way to see it?”

If that doesn’t work … well, you don’t have to do anything more to accommodate her. But it sounds like she’s going to keep putting it in your desk, or possibly outright throw away the candy, so the smartest move (that avoids you getting sucked into a massive battle over candy) might be to just start keeping it in your drawer instead, and let people know that’s where it is. (And I know you said you felt weird about her opening your drawer, but you’ll probably feel differently if you establish that as the candy drawer.) Or you can stop bringing in candy and when people ask, you can let them know that you had to stop because of Jane.

But don’t escalate by increasing how much candy you’re buying — that’s entering into a battle you don’t want to be in at work. You want people to see you as “our awesome graphic designer” (or whatever), not as “the person so invested in providing candy at work that she went to war with a coworker over it.”

You can be right, and still not be in a situation where it’s worth fighting.

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  1. Ask a Manager* Post author

    Y’all, the question here is not simply “is the coworker right or wrong?” (I believe she’s wrong, as I wrote above.) It’s “what is the best way for the OP to navigate this, given that she needs to have reasonably harmonious relationships at work and presumably also cares about how she’s perceived by others at work, including her manager?”

    Someone can be wrong, and it can still be the wrong move to dig your heels in when dealing with them. Being right isn’t the only thing that matters in this scenario.

    2. YNot*

      The OP could also ask the coworker what candies she finds most tempting and try to steer clear of those. If kisses are the thing she finds the hardest to resist try to limit those and buy other candies. At least then the coworker will feel OP is being somewhat sensitive to the issue.

      1. Lily B*

        This is a great idea. Although there’s a chance OP could then get stuck buying Werther’s original or something no one is temted by.

        2. Common Welsh Green*

          If anyone has a problem with Werthers, I’ll be happy to take them off your hands. Purely as a public service, of course ;)

          1. J*

            Yeah, that literally is my favorite candy and I had to stop buying them because I sometimes ate enought to induce a stomach ache!

            So who knows, maybe she hates kitkats and whoopers and snickers, etc…

            1. Avalon Angel*

              The sugar-free ones are good, too (I’m a diabetic).

              In fact…is that a solution that could work here? Putting sugar-free candy in the dish? Given how many of us are diabetics, putting sugar-free candy out both lessens the temptation for the Unhealthy Eater and maybe gives a little happiness to people who may not want to broadcast their diagnosis but would enjoy getting some guilt-free candy every now and again. They are more expensive, however, so I would suggest the LW use them when on those 2-3 days away from the desk.

              In case you were wondering which ones are good (apart from the Werther’s), I personally love the Russell Stover products (especially the coconut, toffee, and pecan delights), and the sugar-free Jolly Ranchers are good, too. But avoid gummy bears and mints, as they can have an unpleasant laxative effect if you overindulge.

        3. SteamedBuns*

          Werthers (both hard and chewy) are my weakness. I can clear out a bag like it’s nothing.

          Also love Imperial Hearts so February is always rough for me when I near the candy aisle in a store; I’ll eat handfuls of them until I am crying from the cinamonny-heat.

          I’m glad coworkers around me fill their communal dishes with reeses, kitkats, and snickers. Those are easy for me to avoid.

      2. Anony123*

        This is similar to what I was going to suggest. I used to keep a dish filled with candy that I didn’t like so that I wasn’t tempted to eat them but others were excited about them.

      3. Retired Accountant*

        That’s good. If it were me, I could ask the OP to put out Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. Not only would I not eat them, I would not eat anything else from the dish because it would have peanut butter smell on it. (I still shudder about jelly that was invectified with peanut butter by my siblings.)

        1. TardyTardis*

          Putting anything out with peanuts in it could be questionable, though you’d think anyone with a peanut problem would steer clear.

      4. NB*

        This is what I used to do when I had a candy dish on my desk. I don’t like starlight mints, so that’s what I kept in the dish–generous and non-tempting for me.

    3. Zombeyonce*

      It reminds me of the idea that a pedestrian has the right of way but being in the right doesn’t mean that they should just walk across the street without looking. Being right doesn’t mean they won’t get hit by a car in that situation. There’s just more to it than that, and there’s way more to this situation than OP being right or wrong.

      1. CmdrShepard4ever*

        I agree. I had a coworker who was really weird about where they sat in the conference room during meetings. They always wanted to sit in the same spot/chair, they would even go so far as to move people’s stuff over if they had not sat down yet and take the spot. A lot of us rolled our eyes at this coworker about this. In the beginning I was really tempted to purposely sit in “their spot” to prove the point they couldn’t reserve a spot, but I knew that if I did that I would look even more petty.

          1. anon to praise the ducks*

            But it depends why they like that spot. Reasons I’ve encountered:

            I have preferred spots because it’s part of my anxiety management strategy – every small thing I CAN control really helps me manage my out of all proportion terror about everything on bad days.

            A colleague has a chronic neck problem. They have a very limited range of preferred seats – indeed will find a reason to leave a meeting when they don’t get their preferred seat – from which they can without too much pain see the screen, meeting leader, rest of the table etc.

            Students who have sight/hearing issues will often also be really defensive about their preferred seats; it matters to them.

            One colleague was like this when pregnant – she got very stressed about needing to run to the bathroom a lot and managed that partly by identifying the seat(s) in meeting rooms which allowed the most discrete exit route (shortest walk, least need to squeeze past other chairs, near the quieter door, whatever).

            When people do weird things, I find it’s much nicer to assume they have a reason that makes sense to them and that they feel awkward about sharing, and just add it to my list of “people are all unique” observations.

            If there was a whoopie cushion on “my” chair on a bad anxiety day I may not be able to come back to work for a week. I feel sick with adrenaline rush and humiliation just thinking about it. It would be funny – even to me – in about 10 years time, or for the audience. But it would feel very cruel in the moment…

            1. Pandop*

              Yes, and I inadvertenty got a bad seat in a meeting the other day, as once the cloud cleared, the sun was hitting the back of my glasses (I had my back to a window) – and I will avoid sitting on that side of that meeting room again if can help it. I also get irritated by the pressure to move down to the front in large presentations. I am long sighted, if I sit at the back I can see the screen without my glasses. Nearer the front I am too close to see it without, and either too far away to see it with my glasses on, or have to tilt my head back uncomfortably to see the whole screen through my glasses, rather than over/under them.

            2. CmdrShepard4ever*

              I agree with your approach and generally try to take that outlook. But for some reason this particular time the way they went about saying something like “this is my seat, I always want to sit here, so no one else should sit here.” and moving people’s stuff irked me. The particular coworker has since alluded to potential anxiety and other mental health issues that I think might play a part in the choice of seat.

      2. Marthooh*

        In my state, at least, nobody actually has the right of way; it’s just that in certain circumstances, one person is obliged to yield the right of way to someone else. But nobody is allowed to intentionally drive in a way that endangers others; for instance, if a pedestrian dawdles in a crosswalk until the light turns, cross traffic still doesn’t have the right to knock them down.

        I’m not sure exactly how this applies to the candy dish sitch, except that the point of traffic laws is to avoid traffic jams and injuries, not to prove who’s right.

        1. Just Employed Here*

          I think that’s how the concept of the right of way works in general.

          At least I don’t know of any jurisdictions (not being a lawyer probably helps with that, by the way) where anyone is allowed to intentionally drive in a way that endangers others.

          1. Sacred Ground*

            On streets and roads, yes. Interestingly, in maritime navigation rules, while one vessel will be obliged to yield, i.e. change course or speed to avoid a collision, the other vessel with the right of way, called the “stand on” vessel, will be obliged to maintain their current course and speed. So one vessel not only does have the right of way, that right comes with an obligation.

            Navigation rules can be pretty complex when there are no signs, roads, or markings.

    4. Anonymousaurus Rex*

      Allison – please feel free to remove if this is too political–I’m not trying to make a political point.

      This reminds me of the incident during the Obama campaign where Obama didn’t want to wear an American flag pin. Cable news and his opponents got really up-in-arms about something that seemed pretty trivial and wasn’t actually impacting them. Obama’s response (eventually) was just to wear the pin. He didn’t really want to, and felt his rivals were being ridiculous, but it was much easier to just go with the flow and give in, given that it was something relatively low-stakes. In fact, he did a lot of reputational damage by not giving in sooner. Digging in your heels over these kinds of relatively trivial issues is just not always the right move when you have bigger goals like overall office harmony to achieve.

        1. in the air*

          This really was a surprisingly big thing during the campaign. If you do a google search for Obama flag pin, a Politifact article from 2008 should come up that explains the whole thing.

        2. wittyrepartee*

          I can imagine this. You have to remember to move the pin, the back occasionally falls off, you like sleek lines and neutral colors and feel like the pin is garish. Then people complain and complain about the pin, so you wear it and just glare as you put it on every day. “Stupid pin, I hate this pin”.

        3. Sacred Ground*

          I remember that kerfuffle. I agreed with him, that nobody should be obligated to display flags, certainly no civilian should be obligated to wear any kind of insignia, and a coerced display of patriotism is both false and counter to American ideals of freedom. I really, really despise the idea that showing a flag means one loves their country MORE than someone who doesn’t. Its led to all kinds of actually disrespectful
          and over-the-top displays: worn, dirty, tattered flags flying on cars, or people wearing the flag as a shirt. His surrender on that small issue was understandable but disappointing. I guess a presidential campaign isn’t the right context for a debate on that.

    5. ReluctantManager*

      Being kind and not right is so difficult for me that I made it one of my wedding vows, and it’s the hardest one by far! Because I am petty and this showdown happened in a loud, open space, I would stop having the candy dish and say nothing. Let her colleagues be mad at her for ruining a good thing. It wouldn’t be with kindness in my heart–it would be with the understanding that other people will draw their own conclusions.

      And then I would get a jack-in-the-box or glitter bomb and put it in the desk drawer. (In fact, you could continue with the candy dish and put a glitter bomb in your desk drawer.)

      And BTW, OP–I have to congratulate you. You didn’t attack her (in your conversation or your letter), and you stuck with your reasonable boundaries over and over. “That may be, but it is not acceptable to go into my desk or destroy my property.” “I understand that you feel that way, but this is my desk, and I need you not to throw away my things or open my desk drawers.”

    6. Jeanine*

      OH no no no no no no. Time to stop with the “it’s not ok” bit and just flat out tell the person to leave things on YOUR desk alone. Period. No one has the right to move things on other’s desks, ever.

      1. ReluctantManager*

        I understand that may not work for you, but my experience is that assertively but not aggressively reiterating makes the other person wear themselves out on their own unreasonableness.

      2. ReluctantManager*

        And of course people have the “right” to move things on others’ desks in some situations. This is obviously not one of them.

      3. Traffic_Spiral*

        Heh. Personally, I’d go “Oh, so we get to throw each other’s stuff out now?” Then I’d walk over to her desk, and , keeping eye contact the whole time, pick up something personal of hers and throw it in the trash. Then I’d say “I don’t like ugly things where I can see them. You really should reconsider having this out.”

        Bonus points if it’s a picture of her family.

        Okay, so I wouldn’t actually do that. But I’d want to.

        1. GreenDoor*

          Actually I think if you said the first line in a pointed tone you might make the point that, no, professional adults don’t just go around throwing out each other’s things.

        2. Putting tbe Fun in Dysfuntional*

          “Bonus points if it’s a picture of her family.”

          I laughed so hard at this!

      4. elizabeth frantes*

        I agree. She has no right to touch and move things on your desk. Her emotional problems are not and should not be OP’s problem. And yes, this is worth fighting about, what’s next? Will she demand further accommodations for her lack of will power? We live in a society where junk food is everywhere and she needs to take responsibility for herself and her own behavior.

        I suspect this coworkers has more issues than her lack of willpower, this sounds like some sort of passive aggressive power struggle.

        She could always take the stairs, take a walk during lunch, lots of ways to work of a piece of candy.

    7. Ellen N.*

      I disagree with the view that the coworker is wrong, although I believe the coworker should have talked to the original poster instead of hiding the candy dish.

      The original poster minimizes struggles with unhealty food. He/she stated that if allergies were a consideration he/she would be willing to put the candy dish in a drawer. There is plenty of evidence that sugar creates cravings. The original poster must have a poor sense of smell to assert that candy doesn’t smell. The comparison to vending machines demonstrates a misunderstanding of the issue. Plenty of people have advocated for the junk food in vending machines to be replaced with healthy food.

      Many people struggle with healthy eating, weight and temptation. If the candy dish was a bottle of bourbon, would your answer be the same?

      I bake all the time. When I worked in an office I used to bring baked goods in often. If anyone had told me that I was inadvertently sabotaging their attempts at healthy eating I would have stopped.

      1. AgathaFan*

        I would just like to point out that OP said (s)he would stop stocking peanut M&M’s if someone developed a peanut allergy- she did not say she would then put the candy in her drawer.

        As to your comparison of bourbon to a communal candy dish: reasonable people don’t bring a communal bottle of alcohol to work. Candy dishes are apparently pretty normal in US offices. So I don’t think that is a fair, or even good, comparison. It does not strengthen your point at all.

        And the coworker isn’t advocating for healthy food/snacks. (S)he is going to another person’s desk and REMOVING things from it and PUTTING it somewhere else. That is unacceptable and a bit of a boundary violation.

        1. Ellen N.*

          In some fields it’s common to have alcohol at work. I know a journalist and an academic who keep bourbon in their desks.

          When I worked in finance the occasional cocktail party at work was permitted. Also, clients often send bottles of alcohol as gifts. These gifts were often imbibed communally at work. A far greater percentage of the population struggles with unhealthy eating than with alcohol addiction.

          https://abcnews.go.com/Business/drinking-alcohol-wine-booze-beer-work/story?id=16150294

          1. AgathaFan*

            Gifts aren’t relevant here.

            Also, is the bourbon communal? Because if not, it is not relevant to this discussion.

            1. Elizabeth*

              Agatha, you seem disinclined toward flexible use of imperfect analogies as a mode of reasoning, but I found Ellen’s argument interesting.

              2. Anna*

                That’s because imperfect analogies tend to require large leaps of faith to see the connection. But sure, let’s go with the alcohol analogy. Literally yesterday there was a question from someone about a work whisky tasting they wanted to avoid because they are an alcoholic. Almost universally the advice was sometimes drinking and work overlap and as long as the drinking isn’t the focus, people should attend the events and participate in other activities. But, as in that case, it is alcohol focused, then it’s on the person to mention they don’t drink (without saying why because MYOB) and would it be okay to not attend. So, going from there, can we agree a communal candy dish is not being done AT the coworker and it’s really on them to participate in work that doesn’t involve eating the candy?

      2. Been There, Done That*

        Now, that’s just not nice or professional…tee hee…but it is brilliant.

        I’m going to be ashamed of myself for the whole weekend.

      3. Sunshine*

        I have struggled with my weight in the past and I completely disagree. My weight and health are my problem. There was a letter about alcohol the other day. Even if you are an addict, which is far more dangerous to your health than over-eating, you have to accept that alcohol exists in the world and other people are going to consume it. And the pre-emptory, rude way the co-worker is behaving is enough reason to push back imo.

      4. Lizzzo*

        I’m a recovering alcoholic. My coworker 3 desks down has a bottle of scotch on their desk as I type this, in my life of sight. We also have wine in the kitchen. I do not think it would be reasonable for me to ask to hide any of this alcohol.

        The truth is, people who are avoiding unhealthy food or alcohol or smoking cigarettes or whatever else MUST come up with a plan that does not involve cooperation from anyone else, except members of your own household *temporarily* (I asked my husband to stop buying alcohol for 1 month only at the beginning of my sobriety). Otherwise the plan is simply not sustainable. If your plan requires you modifying every environment to avoid “temptation” it’s not a workable plan, for you or anyone around you.

        2. GreenDoor*

          I came to say what Lizzzo said. Trying to recover from addition of any kind – or even just strong temptation – has to come from within. If the addict/over-consumer isn’t working to get to the root of what compels them to give in to addictive behavior (stress, grief, anxiety, etc) then no amount of removing temptation will help.

          It is not on adults to babysit the temptations and compulsions of other adults. It’s also an adults to, you know, have an actual conversation with other adults about this kind of stuff rather than arbitrarily hiding or throwing away things that don’t belong to them.

          1. Kat in VA*

            I am, unfortunately, an inveterate smoker. Were I to once again try to quit my nasty habit, I know every smoker in my company and where they keep their cigarettes. We all run out occasionally, and all of us have helped each other out with, “Ya, grab one from the pack, it’s in the second drawer” or whatever.

            It’s not on them to move their smokes out of their pockets / desk drawers / wherever I know they’re at to keep me from grabbing one. It’s on ME to not grab one.

      5. LiveAndLetDie*

        There is plenty of candy out there that comes individually wrapped and which you cannot smell until it has been opened, I think that the OP is fine in saying that candy having a smell is not a major concern. I doubt they’re stocking the stinky stuff for a communal bowl.

        That said, I think the OP’s in the right, here. If people who are struggling with healthy eating and temptation don’t learn the self-control required to pass by a candy bowl without partaking, they need to work harder on their goals and not expect others to bend over backwards to eliminate the temptation. Being able to live with temptation is what makes a goal like that sustainable long-term.

    8. staceyizme*

      The problem is that the candy dish has sucked up too much energy. However, the fundamental issue is less about collaboration and successful co-dwelling and more about a desk, and the reasonable expectation of non-interference with one’s possessions. The candy dish should disappear, for a time at least. When it reappears, it should be stocked with some healthy and some tasty items. Those who want healthy can “go there”. But I’d push back on someone asserting some sort of “right” to a candy-free zone. She’s essentially saying that her executive function isn’t up to the task of navigating a miniature Kit-kat. Okay. But the “eemover” has waaay to much time on her hands. Does she also insist on only healthy option ‘s for team lunches/ pot-lucks? No. Her actions are weird, hostile and petty.

      1. Been There, Done That*

        Finding it too easy to succumb to goodies, I can sympathize w/ coworker. I’m extremely challenged by candy dishes, doughnut boxes, etc. But my behavior is MY responsibility. You don’t blame the boutique for putting sweaters and skirts and jewelry in the window if the sight makes you lose control of your credit card. That’s not a perfect analogy because the purpose of the shoe store is to sell the shoes, but it’s not the purpose of the workplace to provide free candy.

        It would be nice to put the candy dish someplace less visible and help the coworker out, but come on already. Going through someone’s desk and moving their things is just wrong. That struck a sour note with me because I’ve experienced it at my job, and I didn’t like it one bit.

    9. Traffic_Spiral*

      “Someone can be wrong, and it can still be the wrong move to dig your heels in when dealing with them.”

      This is very true. However, there is a larger, more basic issue of Not Taking Other People’s Stuff at work here. Regardless of the reason, that’s a pretty large boundary violation, and I’d say that needs to be shut down right now before this lady starts thinking she can just waltz around changing other people’s desks whenever it bothers her internal sense of feng shui.

      I’d be pretty line-in-the-sand about it “the things on my desk are mine, and you do not touch them. They. Are. Not. Yours. You can talk to me if you have a problem, but if you try this again, I’m talking to the manager.”

    10. Safsaf*

      This reminds of a time at my previous work place where I used to bring baked goods fairly regularly and some coworkers decided they would like to contribute as well so that I am not bearing ‘the burden’ ( i never forced anyone, and i enjoy baking) anyways it was decided we would call it “Cake Monday” because mondays are hard and it would be something to look forward to and most people do their baking on the weekend. Then certain coworkers complained to the manager that it should be moved to a different day as they wanted to start their week off healthy. I know I was offended since I was doing this voluntarily and I was not about to inconvenience myself and bake during the week. So I just stopped doing it and eventually no one did it and it ruined it for everyone.

    11. Database Developer Dude*

      There’s another, larger question here. At what price do you continue to try to maintain a harmonious relationship when the other person is clearly, objectively in the wrong, and doubles down? This leaves one open to abuse by co-workers.

        1. Database Developer Dude*

          That’s not an answer. I’m going to leave it here, though, because of other comments both pro and con, I’m clearly seeing that this is not going to be resolved.

    12. Jess*

      Allison, you’re an angel for this advice because I would have told them to put a gigantic fruit basket in front of the candy dish and then they’d be in a really weird battle of the wills which I can only imagine would end in a food fight and dismissal

  2. JamieS*

    In school we learn the sun doesn’t revolve around the earth. Unfortunately, OP’s coworker never learned it doesn’t revolve around them either.

      1. A Penguin of Harmony*

        I don’t think I’ve ever run into someone else who uses “Sofa King” before. Internet high five!

        1. Flash Bristow*

          Aaaaaaaaand now I’ve spent time looking for a comment by Sofa King, to which MommyMD was responding.

          I feel old.

    3. Important Moi*

      I’ve read the replies below. It appears we are on the minority. I am surprised at how many feel that LW is under some sort of obligation.

      Where is the line?

      1. Roscoe*

        I know. I’m shocked that people are framing OP as having no compassion, like its her responsibility to handle someone else’s lack of self control.

        1. TootsNYC*

          compassion and responsibility are on different scales.
          In fact, compassion is almost the opposite of responsibility.

        2. CurlywhirlyCanuck*

          I totally agree. In fact I would go one further, and suggest that the coworker’s diet is doomed to failure if she doesn’t realize that she is capable and strong enough to resist temptation. I say this as someone who is in a perpetual struggle to not eat All The Things, but who still has to do social things like go to coffee, and eat at holidays. One possible modification that MIGHT help the coworker is to add some sugar free hard candies or suckers, that can provide a lot of reward for very little caloric expenditure. It would be a nice gesture of support, without rewarding the behaviour of someone who stepped over boundaries.

          1. Elle*

            The addition of SF candy would be a good one, I think. Gotta be careful with that, though, because a lot of SF candy is sweetened with malitol, which wreaks absolute havoc on the digestive system (read the Amazon reviews for the sugar-free Haribo bears if you’re curious, yikes!).

            1. MM*

              I still burst out laughing just at the MEMORY of those reviews! The first time I read through them I laughed so hard I almost suffocated.

              2. Flash Bristow*

                I had no idea so looked it up. First clue: Google very quickly auto-completed from harib…. to Haribo bears review.

                I click on the link to Amazon. Second clue: over 250 reviews! Where to start, which to choose…?

                3rd clue came at the beginning of the reviews themselves:
                “Read reviews that mention:
                sugar free / gummy bears / gummi bears / nothing happened / bowel movements / side effects / taste good / year old / like the real / next day / next morning / half the bag / couple hours / bad boys”

                *snork*

                Don’t think I need to read the reviews after all; it’s probably funnier in my head working out which keywords go together to make a story! (Oh, if only primary school English lessons’d had that kind of entertaining content!)

            3. CurlywhirlyCanuck*

              As soon as I replied I remembered the glory of the sugar-free gummy bears review! Maybe add just a couple of suckers per day, just in case the follow up letter is that OP tried to kill her coworker with relentless diarrhea….

        3. Czhorat*

          I think that the OP has a very natural reaction to having their stuff moved and tampered with.

          I *also* agree that this isn’t the battle to fight. Removing the candy dish may feel like rewarding bad behavior, but it is the one way to end what is quickly becoming a senseless conflict.

          This kind of petty fighting is the sort of thing that makes going into work a miserable experience for everyone. Retreating is not only smart, it keeps your powder dry for the next – and likely bigger – fight. If OP won a righteous battle over the candy dish, then what happens when someone did something that really WAS egregious? It’s very easy to be perceived as always fighting. That’s a bad plac e to be.

          1. What?*

            OP is not responsible for this “senseless” fight. I would change nothing. If coworker proceeded to throw out candy or go in my desk, I would speak to my manager. It s not good to reward petty tyrants.

              1. WomanFromItaly*

                I might split the difference and start filling it with healthier snacks. Because OP is certainly in the right but as a person of dubious willpower in the face of chocolate I have some sympathy with not wanting to see it. But mostly I want to form a five-headed-dragon based coalition of evil with TheFacelessOldWomanWhoSecretlyLivesInYourHouse

            2. Anne Elliott*

              But the next question is how your manager is going to feel about that. One of my personal philosophies for success in my own workplace is that I always want to be a solution for my boss and not a problem for my boss. So is your manager going to be all, “ALLOW ME to strike a blow against petty tyrants!!” Or is he or she going to be thinking (if not actually saying), “Jeezy Creezy, can’t these two so-called adults negotiate a effing candy dish?”

              The other thing for me, speaking now as a manager, is that if the candy dish creates distress, tension, or distraction in the work place FOR ANY REASON, then out it goes. I don’t give a rat’s butt if anyone has access to Kit Kats on demand, nor am I interested in considering whether the distress is defensible and justified, or irrational and ridiculous. So the first peep about conflict regarding something so wholly unrelated to the business, would mean that the problem is removed forevermore. For this reason, I think the OP’er would do well to consider how the issue is likely to play out if the manager has to become involved. Would I tell the overstepping coworker to keep her mitts of other people’s stuff and out of other people’s desks? Yes, I would. But I’d also tell the OP’er to take her candy dish home, and I would think less of both of them.

              1. Database Developer Dude*

                And if you would think less of *both* of them, Anne Elliott, then you’re setting up your reasonable report to get abused, by a co-worker who digs his or her heels in to their unreasonableness… If OP and the coworker can’t negotiate because the coworker isn’t WILLING to negotiate, what is OP supposed to do? Surrender? One individual person does not get to dictate conditions for an entire office.

                1. Anne Elliott*

                  I’m not sure I see the connection between “expecting two people to work out a minor problem” to “setting up an employee to be abused,” but I’m pretty sure that connection is not a straight line. It’s not as if the only two choices are “manager must mediate every single workplace conflict” and “manager tolerates abuse.” And with respect, I find this an oddly paternalistic position to take, that you would feel that your direct report — another adult — was incapable of avoiding or appropriately reporting actual abuse if he or she encountered it, and that your role was to prevent him or her from the potential of being abused by a coworker who, though disrespecting personal boundaries, has not done anything amounting to abuse thus far. To answer your question: If the coworker is not willing to negotiate, the OP is supposed to realize they can’t have a candy jar out because said coworker is a big honking selfish jerkface. So they internalize that opinion and deal with the coworker accordingly in the future, maintaining professionalism. And they put the candy jar away. You can’t make people be reasonable and you can’t make people be nice. The larger question is at what point their unreasonableness and meanness impacts your job performance in a real and meaningful way, such that you cannot negotiate or solve the problem and your manager needs to be involved. “Abuse” is absolutely that point. The candy dish is not. I realize your opinion differs, and that’s okay. But this is mine.

            3. Anita Brayke*

              Me too! I don’t reward the behaviour of control freaks or bullies. Coworker is presumably an adult, and should be able to control herself. Why must the OP be the one to change over the (frankly, pretty obviously) obnoxious coworker who thinks it’s their right to throw away or permanently change ANYthing on OP’s (her coworker!) desk.

          2. Genny*

            I definitely agree with your point, but I think in LW’s shoes, I’d still struggle with resentment (both at rewarding bad behavior and at intermittently taking away this thing I and the rest of the office likes). I’d find it tough to work with that woman without said resentment coming through. I don’t know what the solution to that is though.

          3. Been There, Done That*

            My mom used to stop squabbles and tiffs with “Maybe they started it, but you be the one to finish it.” In other words, stop this right now. It was hard if Sansa was the one to start something and Cersi was sticking up for herself. Petty is a good word in this case. Coworker was wrong to move LW’s things and interfere with their desk, but LW doesn’t need to get sucked into a widening tornado of drama over a candy dish. You need to preserve your own sanity.

            1. SeluciaMD*

              Well said. I think this is exactly what Allison is trying to convey – the “battle” here isn’t worth fighting and there are ways to preserve what you want (the candy dish) without it escalating things into a war.

              I think the OP was well within her rights to be upset about how her co-worker handled things, and I think the co-worker is being really unrealistic about how much she gets to control in her environment around this issue, but I think there’s a compromise here that can restore a bit of harmony. And that makes everyone’s lives at work better.

              Honestly? If this were happening at my office I wouldn’t care one bit about whether the candy dish stayed or went – but I’d get aggravated if it escalated into a battle of wills that ended up impacting the general vibe of the office in a negative way.

          4. aebhel*

            Same. If I was in her shoes and the coworker had just asked politely, I would have found it a little weird but I probably would have made an effort to work things out. Coworker shot herself in the foot by being aggressive and entitled.

            To be clear, I don’t think this is a hill that the OP needs to die on, but I don’t blame them at all for being annoyed.

        4. Seifer*

          Yeah, like. My roommate is on weight watchers right now. I am riding the fast metabolism train until it crashes, so I’m not on weight watchers. I’ve offered to pare down some of the junk food that I keep around the house, but he’s insisted that I not change any of my regular habits just for him because he’s the one on weight watchers, not me, and it’s his temptation to contend with. So I really don’t understand LW’s coworker here. You can’t expect the world to stop for you.

          1. PVR*

            I agree! I don’t eat gluten or shellfish and at times have cut calories and always find it odd when people apologize to me for eating bread or crab or dessert in front of me.

            1. Free now (and forever)*

              I’m gluten free and have no problems with people eating gluten in front of me. Eating a couple of bites of gluten will give me major joint pain for a couple of weeks, so I’m not tempted. But I also have a weight problem. Please don’t put chocolate in front of me all day. Studies have shown that we have a limited amount of willpower to exercise each day. Every time I look at that chocolate, I have to exercise that willpower to say no. Sometime around the 176th time that day, I could falter and give in. This is different from food left in the lunchroom, which is in view for a limited amount of time. It’s true that we’re all responsible for ourselves and I think that the person with the issue handled it wrong. I think a good compromise would simply be to place the bowl where’s it’s not visible to the person with the issue.

              1. Kat in VA*

                But the issue isn’t so much as “Hey, can you move that bowl where it’s less easy to see” but “I’m gonna move your stuff without your permission and/or threaten to throw it all out because I can’t control myself.”

                How does this person manage out in the world? Shutter every Au Bon Pain? Blow up every Starbucks because of their sugary coffee desserts? (mmm, sugary coffee desserts)

                My husband is a Type II diabetic who recently got out of the CCU due to bad luck with a DKA episode and poor management of diet (and, by extension, his diabetes). He hasn’t insisted that I toss every high carb thing in the house (to which the five kids here would revolt), nor has he demanded we all stay on his strict 20-carb-per-meal diet to which he ascribes.

                He sometimes will eat a somewhat altered or completely different meal than we are are having, but he’s not draconian enough to demand that ALL TEMPTATION BE REMOVED. That’s totally unrealistic and we are his *family*, not even his coworkers.

          2. Kat in VA*

            I love the “I’m riding the fast metabolism train until it crashes” comment and I’m gonna steal it!

            This is totally off-topic, but I’m surrounded by a lot of people who are very health-conscious, refer to certain foods as “bad” or eating not-healthy things as “being bad”, monitor every bite, or are constantly on cleanses or different diets (Lord, do I hate Whole 30)…and then there’s me, almost 50, who eats like a trash dumpster on fire rolling down a hill toward a cliff. I’m the repository for all the unwanted Potbelly cookies and leftover desserts and surprise french fries.

            My secret is I have a wildly fast metabolism, I’m an ex-athlete mesomorph, I don’t eat all that often, and I smoke a ton of cigarettes and drink a ton of caffeine to compensate. But the level of IT’S NOT FAIR, YOU’RE SO SKINNY and HOW CAN YOU EAT THAT CRAP AND BE THIN is deafening.

            Like, I get it that you get a vicarious thrill out of stuffing cookies down my throat, but could you not make me feel bad about it while you do it? Honestly this ain’t a humblebrag and I’m sure it’ll eventually catch up to me, but I’d like to be able to cram down a huge cookie that I’m HANDED without someone clucking disapprovingly – when they’re the one who gave it to me in the first place!

            /OT rant off

          3. LiveAndLetDie*

            I agree completely with your roommate, Seifer. Learning to deal with the temptation is part of making the change last long-term. If folks want to change their habits they have to actually confront the things that make them weak. Hiding them just means they won’t be able to stand strong when they are inevitably, eventually faced with the temptations.

        5. Sunshine*

          Compassion would be appropriate if the the co-worker had privately approached OP and asked politely. You aren’t entitled to compassion when you act the way co-worker is acting.

            1. Anne Elliott*

              Except that sometimes it is. People act in sub-optimal ways when they are under pressure or in distress, and to me it’s dangerous to use that as justification to withhold compassion that you would otherwise offer. You’ll be happier helping the drowning man who asks for a rescue that you will be helping the drowning man who imperiously demands one, but hopefully you’ll pull him out either way.

              2. Traffic_Spiral*

                Hm. A little late in replying, but I’d say one should differentiate “difficult” from “dickish.” “Difficult,” = sure, but “difficult” here is if she had asked LW to hide the the candy. It’s kinda a PITA, but yeah, I’d pull up the compassion and be like, “sure.” However, moving the dish without permission and then straight-up telling her “I’m going to keep moving it, even though you don’t want me to,” that’s Dickish. It’s incredibly entitled and boundary-violating. Dickish doesn’t get compassion; dickish gets shut down hard.

      2. Drew*

        To be clear, I don’t think OP has done anything wrong here. Unless her boss tells her otherwise, she’s totally within her rights to have a candy dish on her desk and Jane was totally wrong to remove it from her desk.

        I also think that now that OP she knows Jane is bothered enough by the candy to violate norms of decency (didn’t we all learn “don’t touch stuff that’s not yours” in kindergarten?), it is kind of her to include Jane in finding a solution that doesn’t deprive OP and her other coworkers of treats they enjoy. Getting hostile with Jane doesn’t do anything to solve the problem, nor does it improve the atmosphere in the office, and it seems silly to let something that was meant to bring people a small joy in their day turn into a big, unpleasant fight.

        Is that letting Jane “get away” with moving the dish? Maybe – but maybe you can fix the candy issue first and then address the larger issue with Jane of not moving stuff on other people’s desks once the small issue isn’t obscuring it.

          2. Tiny Soprano*

            In my old office we had a lolly cupboard. It looked like an ordinary stationary cupboard, but it was full of chocolate bars. It definitely saved my concentration levels (and thus my productivity…) on multiple occasions.

          3. Been There, Done That*

            Cookie jars shaped like cartoon animals were popular at one place I worked. Half the place had a jar, and if it was out on the desk, you were welcome to look inside and help yourself, and the goodies weren’t visible if you just walked by.

          4. Flash Bristow*

            That’s exactly what I was thinking! Just checking to see if anyone else had suggested it before I posted. Yep, get an opaque jar and a lid. Maybe even a “sugar” jar (like you’d have with tea and coffee) if nobody has made one labelled “candy, please take one!”

        2. pony tailed wonder*

          I sort of wish that all of her co-workers would bring in their own community candy dish but it would only escalate the problem.

          2. Glitsy Gus*

            If this were me it would take ALL of my self control to not put out the empty dish with a note in it reading “Jane has decreed none of us can have candy because she cannot control herself.” That or remove the dish and anytime anyone asked I would roll my eyes and tell them Jane made me get rid of it because she’s incapable of self control.

            I mean, I probably could stop myself from doing that. But at least a few people would get the story if they asked. I’m only human.

      3. MattKnifeNinja*

        As a fellow fat person, my eyes spun so far back I can see the back of my skull.

        The coworker needs to own her issue and not fob it off on everyone else to keep her safe. Back track with your therapist how to deescalate your emotions on triggers. No therapist would suggest you hiding stuff at work that isn’t yours. Go to OA and get a sponsor to text. Press an ice cube in your wrist when the trigger hits. Learn square breathing. Walk to the bathroom and wait 60 seconds. Hiding a candy jar that isn’t yours isn’t a coping skill.

        OP tell the coworker you’ll use an opaque candy dish with a lid. You’ll keep it on your desk while you are there, and move it to a hidey hole drawer when you leave. Leave a note that where the dish so others can get a quick treat. Like “Hey! Went to 2nd drawer on the left.”

        I work with a person who wanted all snacks banned from the lunch room due to will power issues. Don’t be surprised if the candy gets tossed. Mine started throwing out food even after concessions were made.

        You have a right to have a dish on your table. For peace in the office, I would do what I suggest. You don’t mind helping her out, but your not willing to cotton ball her universe.

        I have food triggers. Salty stuff. It’s on me to get a grip. I get the coworker’s problem, but hiding stuff that isn’t yours solves nothing

        1. What?*

          I’m fat. I do not expect the world to arrange edible things around my weaknesses. It’s arrogant and insensitive to everyone else.

          1. Blerpborp*

            Also a fatty and I can’t blame a communal candy bowl for it. It’s interesting to me because in a very well meaning way thoughtful people have started to really examine how their behavior may affect someone else’s comfort and/or mental health and that is obviously excellent and should make for a more inclusive workforce but sometimes people get it twisted and expect a level adaptation to their personal comfort levels that far exceeds what is appropriate such as insisting that a candy bowl can’t be in their line of sight.

            1. Sabina*

              My problem is not food but coffee: I love it! And, I can no longer drink it…it gives me heart palpitations (even decaf) and gastritis. Sometimes I can’t resist temptation and I’m miserable for a few hours afterwards. However, I would never, NEVER, expect an office to be coffee-free, or take the communal coffee pot and hide it, or dump out coffee prepared for the group. LW’s co-worker is completely out of line and this IS a hill I would die on if I was in her position.

              1. Jennifer Juniper*

                I can’t drink coffee. The first and only time I drank a tiny amount (half a cup) resulted in three hours of dry heaves followed by vomiting. I’m used to people looking at me like a three-eyed mutant or pitying me for this. I’m actually grateful for this, because it saves me from spending money on overpriced caloric froo-froo drinks (and endless waiting in line for same).

        2. No Mas Pantalones*

          I’m a fat too. I don’t expect people to hide their desserts in restaurants because they may tempt me to get one. Screw this coworker. I would confront her openly. “If you want to eat healthy, you’re going to have to learn self control. Consider this your first lesson. You move it again, I’m going up-chain.”

      4. Mrs. Wednesday*

        Oh I have an answer for that one: The line is a “boundary” and the crossing guard’s name is Consent.

        The person who’s invading another person’s space because they want something — in this case, to get rid of candy — is saying, “Your consent doesn’t matter because I can’t control myself when I’m tempted by something.”

        Sound familiar? It’s how harassers think.

        I agree the LW, as part of a shared work space, has the responsibility to, for example, talk with the group if a problem has come up. Negotiate.

        But that has nothing to do with this situation because having a coworker claim they can’t help what they put their hands on is a WHOLE other thing.

        4. Jennifer*

          Very extreme take. Now this woman is a potential sexual harasser? This candy we’re talking about here. Candy.

          1. TheFacelessOldWomanWhoSecretlyLivesinYour House*

            If she can’t leave candy alone, what’s the difference between that and someone saying I couldn’t help myself from touching your hair, stealing your stuff, etc.?

                1. Jennifer*

                  Ask any survivor if they feel that what happened to them is the same as having a Hershey’s kiss taken off their desk.

              2. Carrie*

                There’s a difference, yes, but it’s one of degree, not kind. In both cases, it boils down to Person A wanting something that involves Person B’s stuff, and not being willing to take no for an answer. “I want to ____ your ____, and I don’t care that you don’t want ____.”

                “I want to remove your candy dish from your desk, and I don’t care that you don’t want your stuff being moved.”
                “I want to touch your hair, and I don’t care that you don’t want random people to touch you.”

            2. This conversation makes me sad*

              As someone with an eating disorder who would have a really hard time with a bowl of candy in my sight all day long at work…… I would say the answer is “a lot”.

              1. Traffic_Spiral*

                Yeah, it’s an eating disorder today, but it’ll be some other problem tomorrow. The issue is that she thinks her problems somehow mean the basic rules of personal property don’t belong to her.

          2. Siaynoq*

            Why are you conflating consent with only sexual harassment? There are all kinds of harassment that can occur without them being sexual in nature.

            1. Jennifer*

              Using the terms consent and harassment gives a certain implication. Let’s be real here. Anytime someone says or does something that is annoying it’s not harassment. That hurts victims of real harassment.

          3. aebhel*

            Who said anything about sexual harassment? OP’s coworker has boundary issues, that much is clear.

        5. Jasnah*

          This is an extreme escalation. LW agreeing to move the candy is not the same as agreeing to let her body be violated, and coworker moving the candy on someone’s desk is not the same as sexual assault.

          If we interpret this broadly then literally anything can be harassment.

      5. Hills to Die on*

        ooh, I am not even scrolling down. People need to stop thinking that others are responsible for their feelings. You can’t hide from the world so it’s a skill the coworker will have to learn anyway. Silliness.

        2. Hills to Die on*

          Also, I’d freaking put a giant candy dispenser – a big heavy one that dispenses jelly beans one handfull at a time, then I’d super-superglue it onto my desktop. Shit would get real if people thought they could throw out my things and remove them from my personal space. grr….

      6. Zombeyonce*

        My comment are likely some of the ones you’re talking about, however, I don’t feel that OP is under any sort of obligation. It’s more about how the OP wants to be perceived and what’s worth it in this situation. Do they really want to let this turn into some sort of office feud where coworkers end up taking sides and a toxic workplace is created over a stupid candy bowl?

        That’s exactly where this is going, when all it would take to diffuse the situation is to move a candy bowl once in a while. OP may win the battle but they’ve started a war in the process. If I had two employees fighting over a candy bowl, I wouldn’t care which was correct but I’d be livid because they’d be acting like children, and I employ adults. There’s an easy fix here and a candy bowl is not worth such drama. OP can be the bigger person with no actual effects to their work life. They still have candy; their coworkers still have candy when they’re in the office.

        The line is where employees start behaving like children and this situation is just about there.

        1. A bee*

          Really? You’d be livid at both, even one when staff member explained that another had gone onto her desk, moved her private possessions more than once without permission, and hadn’t expressed remorse or agreed not to do it again? You’d just hear ‘candy bowl’ and equally condemn both workers? With respect, that’s appealing management.

          1. Zombeyonce*

            I’d be livid that a situation so trivial and so easily fixed was causing such big problems between 2 adults and likely causing the rest of the office to get involved with such ridiculous behavior. I’d definitely have some thing to say to the coworker for starting it, but they’d both be in the wrong if it escalated the way OP’s situation appears to be heading.

            1. aebhel*

              I guess my problem with this is that when one person is behaving in a clearly unreasonable way, the onus always ends up on the other person to smooth things over–especially when it’s a petty issue. It’s trivial and easily fixable, so the person who is not being a weird boundary-crossing jerk about something really minor is responsible for fixing it, and the person who is being a weird, boundary-crossing jerk gets validated in their behavior.

              Like I said, I don’t think this is a hill for the LW to die on, but my solution would be to get rid of the candy dish entirely and, if anyone asks, tell them why. That’s not making a big deal out of it unless LW’s coworker wants to make a big deal out of it, but I draw the line at bending over backwards to graciously accommodate people who can’t behave like civil adults.

              1. Kat in VA*

                Yes, there’s a lot of “be the better person” in this one. It’s hard to be the better person when the initial argument is someone acting like an unreasonable jackass.

            2. Traffic_Spiral*

              Then you’re a pretty crap boss. When you have one person being reasonable, and one person being unreasonable, you should side with the reasonable person and tell the unreasonable person to knock that shit off – not tell the reasonable person to bend over and take it because you can’t be bothered to do your job and oversee your people.

              1. Anne Elliott*

                I think it’s interesting that your level of emotional investment in a discussion of what must be for you a purely hypothetical scenario, would lead you to call someone you presumably don’t even know “a pretty crap boss” who “can’t be bothered to do [their] job.” The level of frothing outrage this question has caused is remarkable.

              2. Ask a Manager* Post author

                The point is that they’d both be being unreasonable at that point; the OP would have lost the high ground.

                Don’t call people here who you don’t know “crap bosses,” please.

                1. Database Developer Dude*

                  I’m thinking a better way to address this is to address the actions. In the comments above, I laid out how I felt Anne Elliot, had she been the manager of ‘OP’ and ‘Jane’, was setting up OP to be abused by ‘Jane’. I didn’t call Anne Elliot a name.

        2. Emily K*

          Yes. This is exactly the situation the adage “be the bigger person” was coined for. For those times when you understand it’s better to just. let. it. go.

          Another perspective – if anyone here is a fan of Curb Your Enthusiasm, one of the pretty brilliant things about Larry’s character is that he’s almost always, technically speaking, in the right. He has a very strict sense of what the rules of society are and he can’t bear to let someone else get away with bending or breaking them. But he ends up alienating everyone around him and causing himself all kinds of trouble because he can never. let. anything. go.

          There’s one episode where his take-out order gets picked up by someone else who eats a shrimp or two from his shrimp fried rice before taking it back to the restaurant. It’s someone Larry needs to work with to get his new television project off the ground. Larry knows how many shrimp there should have been, he knows this other guy ate it, but the other guy won’t admit it. And instead of just letting it go, Larry keeps bringing it up, trying to get the guy to admit it, and eventually the television deal falls apart – over two shrimp.

          Was he right? Absolutely. Was it worth blowing up an important business relationship over? Most people who aren’t fictionalized Larry David would say no. Just let the man get away with stealing two shrimp, it’d be better in the long run.

        3. Sunshine*

          Only the co-worker is behaving like a child. You don’t throw away other people’s things because they are tempting.

        4. JS*

          100% agree with you.
          It’s not a big issue at all. It’s one thing to steal or throw away items on someone else’s desk but removing something distracting when the person isn’t even there shouldn’t be a big deal at all.

        1. BethRA*

          It means that while coworker was wrong to hide the stupid thing (several times) and should have tried talking to the OP, digging your heels in about how doing something as simple as moving the candy dish out of sight would somehow be robbing everyone around them of job might be overstating it’s importance a bit. Which seems to be happening a lot in the comments.

      2. JamieS*

        The candy dish is an inanimate object and is thus incapable of sentient behavior such as behaving as though it’s the center of the universe.

    5. Zennish*

      This. IMHO, it’s basically saying “Can you please sanitize the environment for me so I don’t have to manage my own thoughts, actions and emotions?”

      I am kind of worried by how increasingly acceptable this sort of request seems to otherwise reasonable people.

      1. Maggie*

        Zennish, UGH yes. Learn to cope with the world. (Spoken as a lifetime Weight Watchers member who has been to meetings where the entire topic was “how to get self control to face the communal candy dish at work”!)

      2. Name Required*

        Yes. Judging from this comments section, unless you see past Jane’s incredibly rude and thoughtless behavior to the crux of her struggle and choose to amend your behavior without thought to your own needs or pleasure, you are disgustingly lacking in empathy or compassion. It seems you need to be kind to everyone but yourself.

        Stay strong, OP. I would totally die on this hill, because it certainly isn’t about a damn candy dish … it’s about people treating you however they want without consequence. Not on my watch.

        3. R.D.*

          Would you really want to be known at work as the person who got into a fight about the candy dish?

          Jane sounds like a complete ass, but I would not want to be anywhere near this train wreck.

          When people remember the Great Candy Dish Fight of 2018 they are not going to remember that Jane went into your desk. They will only remember that Jane and OP had a massive fight about a candy dish. OP gets painted with the same brush as Jane. That’s not good.

          I wouldn’t frame this as giving in to a tantrum or condoning best behavior because Jane is not a toddler and OP is not her parent. It isn’t OPs job to teach Jane to be reasonable, mature, and half self control.

          OP needs to focus on what is best for OP, and despite the fact that Jane shouldn’t be rifling through her desk, what’s best for OP is probably not to get into a huge public fight about a candy dish at work.

          1. Jennifer*

            +1000
            Whether or not removing the candy dish is “rewarding bad behavior” or not should not be the OP’s concern. Her concern should be peace in the workplace. And you’re absolutely right that most people at work probably went home to friends and spouses and said that two people got into a fight about a candy bowl. No one cared who was “right.”

          2. aebhel*

            I don’t really see how ignoring Jane’s unreasonable behavior is getting into a huge public fight, though. If OP is perfectly pleasant and leaves the candy dish out and Jane starts throwing candy out or acting like a huge weirdo about it, that’s on Jane.

            …I mean, I’d just get rid of it, because I object to spending money on treats that are just going to go in the garbage, but that’s me.

            1. Strawmeatloaf*

              Yeah I’m not understanding these thoughts. If anything, it would be candy-dish-remover worker who would be the one getting into the fight. Why would people think candy-dish worker would be getting into a fight? Remover is the one who decided it needed to be something. LW was dragged into it.

              I really don’t agree with other people saying “oh you should substitute it for healthy snacks!” unless Remover is paying for those healthy snacks. Candy is a whole lot cheaper than… I don’t even know what would be considered a healthy snack that would last that long. Apples? Oranges? Bananas? Those are more expensive than a bag of candy and I wouldn’t want to be spending more of my “fun” money for just one person.

              I would either say if LW has to concede to “I have no self control” coworker, then either move it out of the line of sight or get rid of it completely and spend some of that extra money on stuff the LW wants for themselves.

              1. aebhel*

                Also, apples and bananas aren’t exactly shelf-stable. Fruit flies seem like they’d be a lot more disruptive to the office than a candy dish!

            2. R.D.*

              The thing is, OP isn’t ignoring Jane’s behavior. She’s calling it out.

              Which is a completely legitimate thing to do when people are acting like jerks.

              From the letter:
              Am I being unreasonable by demanding that my candy dish be left alone on my desk? No

              Or am I being unreasonable by insisting my coworker continue to work two desks over from a bowl of candy of which she could partake? No

              Should I say something to her making clear it’s not okay to throw my candy away? You already did. Saying it again, after the fact is escalating the situation into a fight that I would not want to be in.

              Would I just escalate further if go buy more candy and ensure it’s never empty? That depends. I you proposing that you just put out candy, that she will then throw away? What is your end game? To get her to stop? You cannot do that without escalating, and you probably can’t do that even if you escalate. To keep a constant supply of candy in a dish on your desk? I suppose if you just keep buying candy and replacing it when she throws it out, then sure, that can be done with out escalating, but it seems like you would be spending a lot of money on candy just to have it thrown in the trash.

              1. aebhel*

                Sorry, I was referring to the individual I was replying to, not the OP. I think that OP SHOULD probably ignore the unreasonable behavior, and my response would probably be to quit doing the candy entirely.

          3. Name Required*

            I wouldn’t be known at work as the person who got into a fight about the candy dish, because I wouldn’t escalate the way OP has nor would I act the way Alison is suggesting.

            This is prime grey rock territory — leave the candy dish out, keep filling it up, don’t confront OP, and give limited, calm responses when confronted by OP. But the answer isn’t “just do whatever Jane demands.”

            There’s two parts of this conversation, regardless of Alison’s attempt to corral: 1) How should OP react in a way that benefits them the most? The answer to which is entirely dependent on the results OP is going for. 2) Is it moral or ethical to leave the candy dish out or not respond to Jane’s plea, because she is clearly struggling with some sort of disordered eating or impulse control issue that is negatively effecting her life? I disagree strongly with the people who think it is unsympathetic to respond to Jane’s delivery versus her message. You don’t have to be kind to assholes just because they are struggling; we’re all struggling.

            1. R.D.*

              “I wouldn’t be known at work as the person who got into a fight about the candy dish, because I wouldn’t escalate the way OP.”

              This is my point.

        5. Marthooh*

          Yes it IS about a damn candy dish. It’s also about the OP insisting on their right to act just as idiotically as Jane. This is the hill you want to die on? I just sprained both my eyeballs, I rolled ’em so hard.

          1. Name Required*

            I have no idea where this false dichotomy of “OP behaves exactly like Jane” or “OP does exactly what Jane asks” popped up, but it’s ridiculous. There are other options on the table; you just might not be able to see them with all the self-righteous eye-rolling.

          2. Anna*

            OP hasn’t acted idiotically, though…? They were forthright and insisted Jane not touch the stuff on their desk and that’s about it. Now they’re wondering if it needs to go any further.

            1. elizabeth frantes*

              Exactly. Cow-worker had NO business touching anything on OP’s desk. There is NO justification for her conduct, and this is this issue, not a candy dish. I am so tired of “I don’t like it so you can’t have it” mentality that has so corroded our society. This is NOT about the candy, it’s a person who has serious control issues and has to learn boundaries. Believe me, this is just an opening salvo on a person who feels that her feelings are so important that she doesn’t have to obey basic manners. You do NOT mess with other people’s stuff. Ever. I’d go so far as disciplinary action, including termination. I don’t want to work with someone who goes through other people’s desks. Who knows what else she’ll be removing next? Or what demands she will make? “No more desserts in the break room, no more real sugar at the coffee machine” etc

          4. Eirene*

            So you’re cool with me moving your coat because I have a problem with credit cards and I can’t sit there and look at it all day without wanting to spend money on one of my own?

            1. Sabina*

              Or maybe I can remove the pictures of your kids from your desk ’cause they make me sad because I can’t have kids? Or your dog’s picture scares me so it’s going in the trash?

      3. MJ*

        “Can you please sanitize the environment for me so I don’t have to manage my own thoughts, actions and emotions?”

        “Make this place a safe place according to my eating habits.” Not going to work.

      4. Sunshine*

        Yes. Like when an OP wrote in about that poor woman who took biscuits around. I recall the commenters calling her an evil, mentally ill harpy who was trying to sabotage her co-workers diets. This letter is the flipside of this. Only for some reason, people seem to be landing on the other side.

    6. RUKidding*

      Right?

      “I moved it because you weren’t here and I’m trying to not eat unhealthy things and I can’t when I can see it.”

      OP: “That’s your hangup, not mine. Deal with it.”

      2. Zombeyonce*

        I think OP should only say that if they want to sound like a asshole to half the office. Often you have to work civilly with people of varying levels of boorishness to preserve a good reputation, and being snarky in this situation would not make it better, it would just make OP look bad.

    7. Annie*

      These comments are so ableist. Really disturbed by the ignorant and cruel attitude towards eating disorders.

      The OP isn’t even there, she admits she’s away for days at a time. Not a big deal to shift something to a different part of the desk in order to avoid triggering a mental health issue.

      1. Siaynoq*

        As someone with an eating disorder, I found coworker’s actions to be insanely out of line. Why? Because instead of communicating and ASKING and trying to work towards a compromise, she invaded someone else’s space and moved their stuff without consent.

        It has nothing to do with the candy dish.

        1. SteamedBuns*

          Yes. This is the issue I see as well.

          Rather than being the bigger person and speaking with OP before violating her privacy and touching her personal possessions, coworker acted childish and put her grubby hands on someone else property.

          I have an office, which I lock when I leave. My boss doesn’t work on Fridays. Sometimes she’ll stay after I leave on Thursdays and enter my office with her key to leave me a note or a to do list. She NEVER goes through my drawers or even any papers I leave out on my desk without first calling me to ask if it’s okay. That’s my boss. I would be so disturbed if I ever neglected to lock my office and an employee went in, even if just to grab a pen or a Clorox wipe…even if just to grab an M&M I keep in bowl on my desk.

          Also, even if OP starts keeping the candy in her drawer, or even on her desk in an opaque and hinged container….does coworker not think that once others are made aware that their stopping at OP’s desk, opening the drawer or the candy container won’t trigger those same temptations? The only reason the drawer seems like a viable solution now is probably because the other employees don’t know that the candy is in the drawer and still up for grabs.

          Coworker should have politely asked OP if she could remove the dish, if she could place it elsewhere, or if she could fill it with healthier or at the very least less tempting snacks.

          I had a coworker who didn’t like the smell of the hand sanitizer I used. He politely came to me and asked that I use a different scent or scent-free kinds. I happily obliged. Had he just sneaked into my office and thrown the hand sanitizer away without telling me that he did it or why he did it without provocation, my reaction probably would’ve been much different.

        2. Anon for today*

          She may not be in a place yet where she’s able to do that (ask), or she may have been going through a particularly bad stretch. I would consider it in the context of candy-mover’s other behaviors (is she generally reasonable?)

          1. Vicky Austin*

            Even if she’s not comfortable disclosing that she has an eating disorder, she could have just said, “I’m trying to eat healthy, and I’m finding that having free candy out in the workplace is too tempting. Would you mind putting it away/moving it to the kitchen/some other option that doesn’t involve taking someone else’s stuff?”

        4. JS*

          It’s not that serious. She has a right to be annoyed sure, but not mad over something so trivial where you would have to dig in your heels and no compromises could be made.

  3. restingbutchface*

    I love the response to this one. Someone once told me that I needed to spend more time doing the right thing and less time trying to be right – hurt at the time but now it’s something I think of you every time I have a situation that presses my buttons.

    That doesn’t mean you can’t vent away from your coworker though and for the record, my eye is twitching at the idea of someone touching your stuff and then arguing about it. So yes, you are so in the right. But Allison’s advice of doing the right thing is perfect.

    (Still twitching. SO RUDE)

    1. Dragoning*

      Yes. Sometimes I know I’m right, but pushing the issue just doesn’t have any value and simply stresses me out. It’s not worth it.

    2. fposte*

      Yes, this is a beautiful response that deals with the complexities of this issue. It’s not as simple as wrong and right–we’re all trying to get along with each other here.

      1. What?*

        Yeah, it is. Going into other people’s desk is wrong. I’m not giving in to a boundary-less, pushy, argumentative person just so we can have fake harmony. What a way to make an office monster. I’m surprised that the commentariat is so passive about this. This is no different than if we were kids at the lunch table and the fat kid said I can’t bring cookies because they want to eat them. Huh? I’m fat, BTW.

        1. restingbutchface*

          Well, I think the difference in your analogy is that we aren’t kids. I don’t disagree, it is wrong but the OP can’t force change on her co-worker so what does the OP do next?

        2. Princess Consuela Banana Hammock*

          I think the coworker’s behavior is totally out of line, but I also agree with fposte. I think offering to move it to the kitchen or out of the coworker’s line of sight are reasonable accommodations to make out of a desire to all get along.

          I personally wouldn’t be ok with putting it in a drawer and telling people to feel free to go into my drawer. (There is nothing private in any of my drawers, but it would still feel invasive to me.) And honestly, I’d react the same way OP did because the idea that a grown-ass adult would burden everyone else because they cannot control themselves—absent a medical condition—gets on a very specific nerve of mine. But I do think that at least trying to find a compromise is more reasonable.

          That said, if no compromise is possible and coworker starts throwing things out, I would likely retrench. I’m not saying that’s the most mature or peacemaking way to behave, but once someone start throwing away other people’s things (especially on their desk!), all bets are off for me.

          1. Stormfeather*

            Yeah, this is about where I would be on it. I wouldn’t want to put it in a drawer and have people rummaging around in my desk, but I’d maybe put it behind something so there are things in the way between the coworker’s desk and mine, to break the line-of-sight, and at least stake out a LITTLE of the high ground.

            But yeah, it’s still all on Jane to have enough freaking self-control to not constantly eat candy. I mean, if a little kid tried to use the excuse “it was there and I just COULDN’T HELP IT and ate some anyway” when they were told not to eat candy, they’d get in trouble for it. A grown, working adult should be expected to have a little more self-control than a little kid.

            (And FFS it’s not the end of the world if she DOES slip and eat a piece of candy now and then. We’re not talking about huge slices of cheesecake or something, or something that someone is actually allergic to. Eesh.)

            1. TheFacelessOldWomanWhoSecretlyLivesinYour House*

              Actually, it’s up to an alcoholic to control themselves as well. If someone has liqour, they don’t ned to hide it away because X is an alcoholic.

            2. Yorick*

              The coworker didn’t say she had an eating disorder, and we can’t diagnose her with one over the internet

            3. Traffic_Spiral*

              “Would you say all those things to an alcoholic?”

              If the alcoholic went around throwing OTHER people’s booze away? Yes. Yes, there’d be a similar conversation of “your problem does not entitle you to other people’s things.”

            4. Strawmeatloaf*

              Yes? Unless a drink is literally being shoved into their hands or they’re pinned somehow and it’s forced down their throat, then yes, alcoholics do have to use their own self-control to stop it.

              There are examples of people having dry weddings, but usually more than one person in their family is an alcoholic. Most people don’t have dry weddings to accommodate one person.

              And as said above, we don’t know if this person has an ED, only that they’re most likely trying to diet and perhaps aren’t that good at it.

          2. Tiny Soprano*

            Speaking of medical conditions, OP’s candy dish could be a lifesaver for a diabetic client or contractor. It’s an outside chance, sure, but it could be a pushback OP could use for putting the candy dish on her desk. If the issue is that coworker can see it, it could go in an opaque container labeled ‘candy’ or something.

            I agree that I probably wouldn’t have reacted much more charitably in the moment either, bad as that is. But an opaque/hidden candy dish would be enough of an olive branch to hopefully salvage the situation (and if it doesn’t, OP’s coworker is truly being an asshat.)

            1. aebhel*

              It’s not really that much of an outside chance. I work with the public and I can think of half a dozen times over the last couple of years that having juice or soda in the fridge (or, on one occasion, blueberry muffins) has been really useful for a diabetic patron.

              1. Kat in VA*

                Also this. Last night, the husband (who’s still adjusting to a new regimen of insulin) had a very low carb dinner and crashed. Things got very weird, very fast – and when I say “things”, I mean HE got very weird, very fast. He wasn’t making sense, he was being combative as hell, and his sugars, when he finally gave in and tested, were at 64 (diabetics know what that means).

                I gave him the only thing I had on hand at the moment, which was my Red Bull. Poured it down his throat and told him give it five minutes, just relax, stop freaking out, sit down. I didn’t want to risk the time it took to head downstairs and scavenge up juice or whatever because he was behaving so irrationally. Having a quick candy fix for him at work could be invaluable (in this case, it happened to be my Red Bull).

                It’s a slim chance a crashing diabetic would need a fast glucose bump in the office, but it’s also a slim bolstering counter against THERE SHALL BE NO CANDY NEAR ME EVER argument…if we’re going to slip into ridiculous counterarguments at this point.

        3. B*

          I think “slippery slope” arguments only come into play if there is a pattern of ecalating behavior, not one issue. It can be OK to indulge one low stakes thing for the sake of peace; but yeah if there’s a next time it’s “i will throw your (fresh, that day) lunch out of the fridge” or “now remove all vending machines” etc it can be time to dig in

        4. Mellow*

          >I’m not giving in to a boundary-less, pushy, argumentative person just so we can have fake harmony. What a way to make an office monster. I’m surprised that the commentariat is so passive about this.

          Precisely. Good call, What?

        5. SomeDude*

          That’s the biggest hang-up for me. If coworker had asked nicely that would be one thing but the fact she has demonstrated she is willing to violate a personal workspace makes me a little concerned. I know people will call this a slippery slope but how far will the office need to go to manage the coworker’s impulses? If Bobby heats up some left over pizza will that be too tempting?

        6. Ask a Manager* Post author

          That’s not at all what happened in the exchange you’re referencing. In that exchange, you took issue with the idea that any individual person might decide entirely on their own to change what they were eating to be sensitive to a coworker. (And you were pretty aggressive to people during that exchange as well.)

      2. Lissa*

        Yeah – I am one who had an instinctive GRR reaction to what the coworker did – so out of line! But – what benefit would digging in one’s heels have here, really? I absolutely think the coworker was super out of line but I think it’s worth asking for what one would want here – to see her punished/reprimanded? I mean, that might be reasonable. But getting into a candy dish war over this seems like it’s gonna be really unhelpful overall.

        When I’m in this situation I go to my partner or a friend and am basically like “please tell me I’m right” and then I baks in my own rightness for awhile, which helps when I know the other person is never, sadly, going to suddenly change their ways and acknowledge my correct opinion. Darn.

        1. fposte*

          That’s not her priority, anyway. That’s not the same thing as it not mattering to her.

          And even if they’re not trying to get along with you, if you let that lead you into who can get along with each other the least and she-started-it, that’s not a good direction anywhere, especially not in a workplace.

    4. MRM*

      Once I was telling my brother about a fight with my boyfriend in which I was totally completely right and he asked me “would you rather be right or be happy?” And now I think about that all the time.

      1. Tin Cormorant*

        It’s something I struggle with too. My husband and I get into really heated arguments sometimes about the stupidest little minor things. (I think the last one was about how game cartridges back in the 16-bit era used to be measured in megaBITS where today they would never use that to measure storage space because it was confusing to consumers.)

        I know I’m right but I don’t have the in-depth evidence to back up my claims and after a while I just have to say “You know what, this is a stupid thing to argue about. I’m sorry I ever let it get this far. Let’s go do something fun instead.”

      2. MM*

        Our family version of this is, “Do you want to complain, or do you want dressing on your salad?” Comes from a time my grandpa was being ornery in a restaurant.

      3. Busy*

        I tell this to my son who has opposition defiance disorder. He always answers that he wants to be right no matter the misery. And then I get mad because that is the wrong answer because I always like to be right too! (BTW he gets it and does tone it down when necessary, except when the ODD rears its ugly head.)

        With that said, I think it is okay This One Time to let this go. That does not mean forget it. This woman has, whether we think it is petty or not (and let’s be honest, boundary crossers always start with the petty stuff), has done something that no reasonable person would do unless they wanted conflict. That is plain and simple. What OP can do is take any of the compromises mentioned here, but add in a heaping caveat to the woman who did this that OP didn’t find it okay and will have to escalate it in the future if the woman does something similar again. That is setting a boundary. I think that is the thing Alison is missing from her advice above and why people are bristling about “giving in”.

        Offer the compromise AND set the boundary.

      4. Princess Consuela Banana Hammock*

        I say this to my sister (and to my clients) all the time. Sometimes being right matters less than being happy, especially when being happy doesn’t require you to cross any personal boundaries/lines.

      5. Strawmeatloaf*

        Well that would depend. If you know you’re right, but you’re BF is insisting you’re wrong in every situation, then I would definitely be looking at that. I don’t understand how someone could be happy in that situation. I could never be happy always being “wrong” for the sake of pleasing my SO so that they could feel better about themselves.

        I’m sure that’s not your relationship but I would watch out.

    5. Memyselfandi*

      I am so grateful for those comments that make me rethink my behavior. As you say, hurts at the time, but so valuable in the long-run.

    6. MusicWithRocksInIt*

      One suggestion – maybe she could get a candy jar? Something that is not see through? That way people who want candy can open it to see what is inside, and someone who wants to avoid candy can just not look in the jar. I agree coworker is being super high maintenance and going around everything wrong.

      1. Indigo a la mode*

        I really like this solution. It looks like you’re being nice and accomodating, and people will back you up on that, but you also haven’t lost anything except the $15 on a ceramic jar.

    7. EPLawyer*

      This where I HEAVILY disagree with Alison. It’s a candy dish, not a anything obscene or not work appropriate. One way everyone gets along in a shared space is NOT TO TOUCH OTHER PEOPLE’S DESKS.

      I’m sorry but at the point she threatened to keep moving things, she crossed the line. She crossed the line into alert the manager when she threatened to destroy my property (throw away the candy). You know how you learn to resist tempatation? You grow the hell up.

      I would tell the co-worker in no uncertain terms to not touch anything on my desk. If she did it again, I would tell the boss. Yeah it’s petty. But it is also boundary crossing.

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        The problem is that while the OP is in the right, going to war with a coworker over candy is going to make her look bad. It’s not worth it. (And this is not boss-worthy.)

        1. Essess*

          I have to respectfully disagree. When a coworker says they will start destroying your belongings on your desk if you don’t do what they say, it’s manager-time.

          2. Thursday*

            Sure, a manager might deal with it. But wasting their time on this will also make them see OP as someone who can’t even deal with co-workers over minor grievances, and had to escalate a fight about CANDY. Managers aren’t kindergarten teachers.

              1. Thursday*

                There are so many issues on this blog that boil down to basic interpersonal skills, and it makes me wonder how people get so far without having any.

              3. Wing Leader*

                Yeah, I think Alison is right. Manager COULD step in and resolve an issue like this, but it isn’t going to look great if she has to do that. This is the kind of minor thing that should be resolved without the need for a manager.

                That said, I also think the coworker is out of line and needs to back off. She needs to learn self-control and to realize that she can’t remove every temptation. However, I’m not sure how far OP should push this. I like the suggestion of getting a candy jar where the candy is still available but unseen. If coworker can’t agree to that, she’s definitely being the unreasonable one.

                1. Blerpborp*

                  If I were the supervisor and they came to me about this issue -even if it was just OP insisting on her right to a public candy dish- I would be so annoyed that they were behaving childishly and now I have to deal with something so absurd. I know some people think opening a desk drawer was a deep violation but the OP said nothing personal or valuable was in there, obviously the intent was just to have a place to hide the stupid candy jar and unless she started poking around desks on a regular basis it doesn’t rise to boss involvement level to me.

              4. Princess Consuela Banana Hammock*

                Absolutely co-signed. As Czhorat notes, this is not a hill to die on, and OP risks making themselves look immature (even though I think the coworker is in the wrong) if they escalate the candy war to a manager.

            2. Kitty*

              So Jane just gets to bully and manipulate people into doing what she wants? When you give in to a boundary pusher over a small thing, they learn that they can escalate it to bigger things. I suspect this question would get a completely different answer if it were sent to the Queen of boundaries, Captain Awkward.

              People keep saying “why fight over candy”, it’s not about candy, it’s about violation of personal space and property.

              1. Marthooh*

                When Jane escalates to the next thing is when OP can go to the boss about it. At that point, she looks like the reasonable one who tried to keep the peace.

                1. Lucky Jazz Cosmos*

                  ^^^This is key – lose the battle but win the ‘war’.

                  Demonstrate that you’re the sensible, professional person but accommodating Jane’s OTT request – I like the suggestion from someone above of using an opaque container. You’re respecting Jane’s request while also trying to keep the treats going for everyone else! If it’s ends there, it’s all good. But if she escalates, go to the boss and (sensibly, professionally) highlight how ridiculous Jane’s demands are. Does that mean no one can eat cheese sandwiches at this workplace if there are vegan / gluten-intolerant employees?

                  I’m a (fat, hungry) person I’d stop with the candy jar but then passive-aggressively make the effort to eat delicious and amazing diet-violating things at my desk at every opportunity. >:D

              2. Jasnah*

                “it’s not about candy, it’s about violation of personal space and property.”
                The thing is, there is also the question of scale.

                If someone pokes me in the shoulder, and I punch them in the face, my response is pretty out of line with the level of offense. My personal space was violated, but that doesn’t give me carte blanche to do anything I see fit, just because I was harmed once in any way.

                At the point that this becomes not about the candy, but about the “principle” of the thing, I would say both people have lost sight of the issue and need to calm down.

              3. Been There, Done That*

                This makes me wonder where the boss person is in all this, if they’re involved at all (maybe they’re taking the high road and opting out of the playground candy war), because my office has a Monster who holds sway because she’s the boss’s favorite and anyone who speaks up about her horrible behavior gets slapped down, accused of being a whiner, or blamed themselves for causing problems for the poor little Monster.

              4. Annie*

                EDs can be fatal.

                Jane is doing what is essential to manage her own wellbeing.

                Can’t believe people really think Jane should potentially endanger her own life because apparently shifting something a few inches on a desk (belonging to a person who doesn’t even work there much and abandons her personal property for days at a time) is “bullying” “vile” “rude” and the hundred other slur terms thrown at this woman.

                1. Gadget Hackwrench*

                  EDs can indeed be fatal, however everyone making this argument is missing two things: Firstly, Jane has not claimed to have an ED, merely a problem resisting sweets, which many people who don’t have ED also have difficulty with, and Secondly, if she needs the candy moved as an accommodation for her illness, then she needs to state that formally to her boss, rather than go messing with other people’s things without asking.

                2. aebhel*

                  You are internet diagnosing a stranger based on a second-hand account of her hiding a candy dish. If Jane’s life is genuinely in danger because of the presence of candy in her vicinity, then it’s on her to go through the appropriate channels to request accommodations, not to go through her coworker’s desk and threaten to throw out candy from a communal dish and generally behave like a giant boundary-crossing weirdo about it, which is what she’s done.

                3. CarolynM*

                  “Jane is doing what is essential to manage her own wellbeing.”

                  No she isn’t – she is demanding other people manage her well-being for her. If she does have an ED and is in mortal peril as you have internet-diagnosed her, she should be working with professionals who can give her the tools and support she needs, not threatening to throw away OP’s property. Jane is out of line.

                4. Actual Doctor*

                  Stop. Seriously. Right now. Stop diagnosing strangers, and stop doing it in order to push shame-on-all-of-you whataboutisms. Knock. It. Off.

                  Nobody is ‘abandoning’ their personal property when they are away from their desk for any stretch of time; to think otherwise is beyond absurd. My officemates know better than to use my headphones or keyboard in my absence.

                  You are also more or less stating that Jane’s life is in constant danger: how does she survive walking down the street past open air restaurants? Bakeries? If she has roommates, does she force them to only eat what she may safely ingest? Do you see how far down this preposterous rabbithole of yours can go? Again, stop.

                5. Kat in VA*

                  As a recovered(ing) bulimic turned anorexic, I disagree with you, Annie. I never made my demons other people’s problems. They were my demons to manage, not theirs. It wasn’t on them if I gobbled up ten pieces of candy and had to purge, or had to fight the candy since I hadn’t eaten in two days straight. My demons, not their demons. It’s not on coworkers to manage my illness, it’s on me.

          3. Public Sector Manager*

            “I’m going to start destroying belongings on your desk unless you sign this fraudulent reimbursement request” = manager time.

            “I destroyed stuff on your desk because I’m petty” = manager time.

            “There is no compromise in CANDY WARS! Arrrrrrgh!” = not even close to manager time.

            Both the OP and coworker would look way out of touch and I’d be wondering whether they had enough work to do if they escalated that kind of issue.

              1. Tiny Soprano*

                Yeah, I could be wrong, but the way I read the letter was that the co-worker had thrown the candy in the bin before putting the bowl in OP’s drawer. It’s a small distinction, but I’d be much more annoyed if someone threw out my lollies than if they had just put the full bowl in a drawer.

                1. Claire*

                  I’d assumed that the co-worker had put the bowl in the drawer after eating all the candy, which is kind of an illustration of what she was talking about, to be honest.

                2. Yorick*

                  At first I assumed it was empty and she put it away anyway (which I didn’t get), because OP said sometimes it will be empty for a while. But Claire might be right that she ate it first.

              2. Yorick*

                But it isn’t at all, because nothing was destroyed, it was moved from on top of the desk to a drawer.

              3. Not a Morning Person*

                Throwing out candy is a boundary violation, but not to the extent that it seems many people are arguing. I would be really annoyed and irritated by the coworker and the way she handled this situation, but I believe that no matter how much I was irritated that I wouldn’t go to the extent of making things worse by asking everyone else to bring in a candy dish or some other equally mean-spirited behavior. I might ponder that and some other over the top revenge fantasies, but that would be as far as it went. Let it go and use it in your memoir.

          4. Courageous cat*

            “Destroying your belongings” is such an overblown way of looking at it though, come on. There’s a difference between throwing away candy and, like, vandalizing someones files – I’m sorry, but there just is. There are nuances involved here as in every situation.

        2. Czhorat*

          Yeah. We often talk here about hills on which to die.

          The candy dish is not a hill on which to die. TO be perfectly honest, I’d put it away in a drawer if it bothered the coworker that much.

          3. cx*

            Evidence that a MH disorder is in play here, please? Or do you just like to catastrophise instead of making actual arguments?

          4. Blerpborp*

            I just have a drawer full of candy (and other snacks) for myself and I never have to worry about anyone else being bothered by it! The other day a coworker was leaving but knew I didn’t feel well and he told me all the places he stashes snacks in his office in case I wanted any and I’m like damn, I’ve never been so generous sharing my work snack locations! Not being a sharer has protected me from getting into candy bowl war and I am grateful for that.

        3. Mrs. Wednesday*

          I’m afraid I just don’t agree. The OP could say, in front of everyone, “Look, this is not about candy at this point. I can’t just let it go when my coworker tells me they can’t control where they put their hands because of temptation. Are you going to respect my boundaries from now on?”

          This isn’t war. It’s communication.

          1. Ask a Manager* Post author

            We can agree to disagree, but if I’m a coworker or manager watching that, I’m going to think, “Pick your battles. It’s candy. You could put it in a drawer, problem solved.”

            1. What?*

              The problem is not solved, because someone threatened to throw away another person’s property. It’s not about the candy, but appropriate office behavior. It’s managerial blindness to overlook this.

              1. Ask a Manager* Post author

                I mean, I might talk to the coworker about that. I’m still going to think less of the other person too for picking their battles poorly. It’s candy. I promise you that manager has better things to be spending her time on, and is going to think both of these two do as well.

                1. AnnaB*

                  The thing is, LW shouldn’t have to ‘pick her battle’. It isn’t her battle to pick. In fact, she actually has no battle. She’s living her working life and minding her own business. The coworker needs to pick her own battle with self-control. Since it’s an open office, LW should stand up and loudly ask if anyone has an issue with her having the communal candy dish out and available. If the majority of people answer “No” – that should be end of it.

                2. Jennifer*

                  @Anna B If the OP worked with me and stood up and loudly asked if anyone had a problem with the candy dish being out, after the little snit with the other coworker, I’d just sigh loudly and roll my eyes. This is elementary school-level petty. I’d imagine some of the other coworkers are already starting to get annoyed. None of this is worth one peppermint or Werther’s Original a day.

              2. Hills to Die on*

                It’s absolutely nobody’s perogative to throw another person’s things away, no matter what it is. But especially when it’s someone in a snit about not being able to control themselves around candy to the point that they throw away others’ belongings. One person is absolutely wrong, and the other is in a grey area at best. You have to consider whose behavior is truly worse.

                1. Jennifer*

                  It reminds me of when I was a kid and my brother and I would have a petty argument and our mom would tell us to work it out ourselves. Maybe one person was slightly more wrong than the other but at the end of the day it wasn’t a big deal and we didn’t need to tattle on each other to resolve it. Fighting over a candy dish is childish.

                2. Sloan Kittering*

                  But if I’m a manager, even if one is worse, I’m going to think they’re both being childish and silly, and it’s not going to reflect at all well on OP either. There was an easy way to end this and instead they dug in on something that is not work related and escalated the situation unnecessarily.

                3. Mk*

                  It is shocking to me how so many people on here have no compassion “has no control” “ can’t resist temptation” etc. I used to think how you think but being addicted to food is a disease like being addicted alcohol. Would you spew this none sense to someone who was an alcoholic? Or a hoarder? Yikes. Candy is crap for you and this country loves to put sugar in everything which gets many people hooked because what it does to your brain. Have some compassion for people! I think what the coworker did was out of line and she should have talked to the LW first, but the way you are talking about the coworker is why so many people treat obese people a certain way and why these issues aren’t addressed in America. There’s a reason we are one of the most obese countries in the world and until we have compassion and deal with the crux of the problems it will continue.

                4. Wing Leader*

                  Wait, wait, wait. What kind of candy are we talking about here? Is it like Jolly Ranchers and peppermints (blech), or more like mini Snickers, Mr. Goodbars, and M&Ms? That seems like vital information and it’s going to color my opinion on this matter. Just kidding. (sort of)

                5. Hills to Die on*

                  MK, I am a recovering alcoholic of 27 years and the answer is still the same. It’s probably why I came to this conclusion on the candy thing. I take responsibility for myself and I do not expect the world to change to suit my dysfunction. I change myself and let the world do what it needs to do.

                  The OP isn’t fighting over a candy dish. She is standing up for herself because a person is throwing away her things and taking person items out of a personal space because they cannot control their own behavior. Very screwy, very dysfunctional.

                6. CarolynM*

                  @Hills to Die On

                  Maybe that is why I so strongly agree with you – Al-Anon was a lifeline to me and I learned a lot about how my best-hearted intentions in helping the addict in my life were really fixing/managing/enabling and were actually harmful. I had to learn that their addiction was none of my business and to keep my own side of the street clean. The only thing I can hope to control is my own behaviour and it is not on others to change theirs or the environment to suit me.

                  Honestly, in terms of addiction and recovery, hiding the candy dish is not helping Jane. Jane needs to make her peace with the fact that there is candy in the world and the choices she makes regarding what she eats are on her.

                  Congratulations on your sobriety!

              3. Courageous cat*

                I think the problem is that you’re equating all “property” as equal here. Throwing away someone’s candy vs throwing away someone’s office equipment or files is just not the same thing. It sounds like it is on paper, but it’s just not. It’s still shitty and dumb, but it’s CANDY.

            2. Mrs. Wednesday*

              I get where you’re coming from, truly. Part of it, no doubt, is office culture. I’ve always had to supervise people in, for lack of better term, touchy-feely orgs. That’s likely why I immediately slotted this as a boundary/consent conflict, which, yeah, I know sounds like overkill and not helpful.

              But here’s the thing: As a manager, I’d much rather help resolve this situation than dismiss it as trivial specifically because it’s a low-stakes example of a big-deal problem (candy, harassment/consent). Dealing with it — establishing that negotiation is good, not respecting boundaries is bad — shows everybody that you will. shut. stuff. down. when necessary. Helping prevent high-stakes versions of the conflict, like your office’s guy who tells you somebody’s clothing made him grope her.

              Anyhoo. YMMV.

              1. Hills to Die on*

                “Dealing with it — establishing that negotiation is good, not respecting boundaries is bad — shows everybody that you will. shut. stuff. down. when necessary.”

                THAT.

              2. Kitty*

                YUUUUUP. If my manager dismissed me as “petty” over a smaller boundary violation, I would not trust her with a bigger problem in the future.

        4. What?*

          I don’t think it will. I don’t think it’s going to war to enforce boundaries. This coworker seems arrogant and entitled. What else will they want to control that is not theirs? OP may be doing everyone a favor by sticking to her guns on this.

          I would love to see a follow-up.

        5. JamieS*

          The big issue isn’t the candy, it’s the coworker opening OP’s desk and messing with their property. Framing it as just a “war over candy” is trivializing a major breach.

            1. Hills to Die on*

              Maybe….I would see it as a war over whether Jane should be throwing away people’s things and re-arranging their desks. I’m not sure I’d be alone on that.

              1. R.D.*

                maybe… if you knew. Most people who aren’t in the immediate vicinity of the initial confrontation aren’t going to pick up on the details. Or care about them, for that matter.

                1. Hills to Die on*

                  Take a quick look around the comments. You can make a pretty good assumption on where things will fall.

                2. MRM*

                  Are we reading the same comments? Many many people have reiterated this isn’t the hill to die on. Not everyone or maybe even most people but enough that you’d defiantly look bad. The coworker is also going to be pedaling their own side of the story.

              2. Not So NewReader*

                Yeah, I’m not happy about that part myself. And personally I don’t care if someone goes through my desk. But rearranging my things or throwing my things away is Not Good.
                Since OP does not want anyone in her desk, then OP can draw that boundary line. “Next time you need to open my desk for something, you need to ask first. I don’t rummage through your desk and I expected to be treated the same way in return.” Many times the logic of the statement, “I don’t do X because I expect X in return” hits people right between the eyes. “Oh yeah. That’s right.”

            2. Courageous cat*

              I agree, I’m sorry, but people are human and candy is different from other things one might keep on one’s desk.

          2. Princess Consuela Banana Hammock*

            The problem is that most people are not going to see this as a major breach. They’re going to see it as a war on candy (or on snacks), even if the underlying transgression is a bigger issue.

            This is analogous, in my opinion, to the chorus of people who tell OPs to call the police on a coworker for assault, when the “assault” is extremely problematic and wrong but not necessarily police-worthy (e.g., pushpins on someone’s chair, or the tickling episode). It escalates the problem in a way that blows back on OP, and then OP loses the high ground in the fight (and likely loses the fight itself).

            1. Mk*

              I must have missed the comments telling the LW to call the police!

              I direct/ manage over 100 people and if anyone on the team called the police over this situation I would seriously challenge their judgement and probably let them go or closely monitor them.

              What the coworker did was wrong, but this LW should talk with the coworker and try to come up with a compromise as it will show them as the bigger person. I think digging in your heels will just make you look petty and again probably make your coworkers question your judgement.

              And as a manager if I was brought into this I would probably say no candy dish since the sugar high also has a crash which I have found negatively impacts work product. If you want candy bring it in for yourself and keep it in your desk.

              You are two adults, start acting like it!!

            2. JamieS*

              Really? Go ask your coworkers if they’d consider a coworker going through their things and moving them around a breach and report back how many say no. Quite frankly anyone who thinks the issue here is the candy would be displaying an extraordinary lack of intellect.

              1. Jasnah*

                “anyone who thinks the issue here is the candy would be displaying an extraordinary lack of intellect”
                This is pretty insulting and not warranted.

                Some people are blowing this up into an issue of principle, and some people are focusing on the level of scale (this is over a jar of candy!). Both are relevant so there’s no need to insult people just because they don’t agree with you.

              2. Princess Consuela Banana Hammock*

                The comments indicate that a pretty wide swathe of people with intellect get the bigger issue but still believe escalation will appear disproportionate in light of the specific conduct and context. You feel strongly otherwise. Imo, it seems like people with intellect can fairly disagree. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

              3. Yorick*

                If someone took something that I display on my desk and put it in a drawer, I would find it super annoying, but I would not at all consider it a massive breach and throw around words like consent, nor would I think a manager who didn’t want to deal with this petty disagreement would allow sexual harassment.

        6. Lanon*

          Taking candy without permission is theft. I would expect the coworker to be summarily fired the second time this happened after a final warning.

          1. SarahTheEntwife*

            It’s communal candy. Taking the entire bowl would be greedy and obnoxious, and here is clearly not in the spirit of the communal candy dish, but once you put something out for everyone to share, firing someone for taking it is ludicrously overkill.

        7. Beth*

          I’m not sure that I agree this isn’t boss-worthy. It might not be yet–but if the coworker continues to mess around with OP’s desk, or starts throwing out OP’s candy as they threatened to, I don’t think it would be that out of line for OP to tell their manager something like “(Coworker) keeps moving stuff from my desk and has thrown out some of my things. I’ve told her to stop but she has refused to listen to me. Do you have any advice on what I can try next?” Those aren’t acceptable behaviors, and the fact that OP lets others have candy from their dish doesn’t change that.

        8. elizabeth frantes*

          The problem is not the candy dish. the problem is a person who feels that it’s acceptable to go through another’s person’s desk and touch her personal property. I am surprised you can’t see that. Unless you think it’s OK to rummage through other people’s desk and move their property around? I wouldn’t want to work in such an environment. The problem is a worker who feels entitled to just do what she wants, without even the courtesy of asking first. THAT is the problem.

    8. Falling Diphthong*

      There was a guy who returned on Top Chef after going to an anger management class between seasons, and he was an incredible advertisement for whatever program it was. A huge shift from “I am RIGHT about this” to “… okay, this is not worth expending energy to defend.”

      1. CynicallySweet*

        I loved that season! And would get so mad when another contestant tried to make him turn into the person he was before!!!

    9. Just Elle*

      Yes. My dad’s favorite line growing up was “you’re right, but you aren’t correct”
      (aka, technically you’re in the right here, but no one likes an inflexible know it all)

      Don’t get me wrong, I’d be supremely annoyed with candy hiding coworker. But its not a hill to die on.

    10. JessaBee*

      Playing off this idea, OP I would ask that you consider the optics to the rest of your coworkers if you continue to engage with Jane over the candy dish. To be clear, I’m not disputing that her going into your desk was a violation and I think Alison and the rest of the commentators have come up with some really great, workable solutions.

      But, and this is purely my personal view so please take or disregard as you choose, if I had been sitting in the cube farm when this exchange took place it probably would have lowered my opinion of both of you. That’s why, if you do decide to remove the dish altogether, I’d really stress you not take Alison’s advice to essentially blame it on Jane. If I were one of the bystander co-workers it would make me think that both of you were behaving very petty.

      All of this to circle back rbf’s wonderful advice to do the right thing, something I freely admit to struggling with myself. Good luck, OP! If you do find the magic pill to letting go of people who have crossed or vexed you, please let me know. I’m still looking for myself.

      1. Thursday*

        “if I had been sitting in the cube farm when this exchange took place it probably would have lowered my opinion of both of you.”

        Yuuuuup.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Yeah, I would scanning my desk to see what Cohort might move or toss out.

          I have lost six sizes myself, it would strike me that the candy dish next to her is NOT the problem. I had to build coping tools for driving past McDonalds and walking past the cookie aisle, etc. It was a journey for me. And most certainly, it was my own private journey and not any one else’s.

          Poor eating habits can erode willpower in some people. Lack of proper nutrition weakens the mind AND the body. I told myself that I did this to me. It was a devastating sentence and an empowering sentence all in the same stroke.

    11. BlackLodge*

      I think to myself, do I want to be on my high horse or do I want to move forward? Having the moral high ground feels good but it doesn’t do much for progress.

  5. A D Collins*

    Since seeing the candy seems to be the problem, put it in an opaque container and let everyone know this is the new candy “dish”

      1. valentine*

        She hid the empty dish, though. (Unless someone went in the drawer and took the candy from it.)

        1. Rachel*

          I think it’s more likely that the coworker ate all the candy from the dish before hiding it. Weird to hide an empty dish, but quite possibly she hid the dish while it was still full, but knowing the dish was there, she kept going into the drawer to grab candy until it was all gone. I think coworker just wants the dish gone altogether.

          1. Yvette*

            From the post:
            “Twice in the last week I have come in to find the candy dish removed from my desk and placed in one of my desk drawers. Last time it was placed in there empty. This time it still had a few remaining pieces of candy in it.”
            I also had the thought that it was the coworker who “emptied” it?

          2. Tiny Soprano*

            Oh, I’d read it as coworker binning the candy, but your point makes a lot more sense as a contributor to her reaction!

          3. Pommette!*

            This was my assumption as well.

            It would also explain (but not justify) the coworkers aggressive and emotionally charged approach to what could have been more productively framed as a request for a favour. Realizing that you emptied the communal candy bowl (again!), and feeling that you won’t be able not to do it (again!) as soon as its refilled would bring up some pretty complicated and unpleasant emotions.

      2. Falling Diphthong*

        My daughter STILL remembers the M&M dispenser on a coworker’s desk from when she was a toddler and we would go into my work to pick stuff up.

        1. Justme, The OG*

          I just put that in my wish list, I love it. And maybe not for candy, it could be good for my kiddo to corral her earrings in the bathroom.

    3. LCL*

      I like this solution. I think you should also remove it when you will be gone for a few days. Explain the temporary removals as ‘I only want to provide this when I am around to make sure the dish is clean and ready.’

      FWIW, when Costco first opened near our office, we discovered the bulk size jars of wrapped candy. Someone brought one in with a suggested contribution cup, and we were in candy heaven. Until one day the jar was empty and the manager told us not to bring in bulk candy any more, because he couldn’t help himself. There was a bit of grumbling, but we complied with the order.

      1. Database Developer Dude*

        And the instant that manager said that would be the instant I opened up my resume on the job boards. That manager probably expected compliance with the unreasonable demand *because* he was the manager. That’s not a place I want to work.

        1. Eukomos*

          It’s an obnoxious demand, but unreasonable seems like a stretch. And you’d really quit over that? C’mon, that’s a “bitch about the manager in the break room for a few days” level issue, not a “summarily quit” level issue, unless the manager has been unreasonable in other ways and this is part of a pattern. We don’t have a god-given right to put candy on our desks.

    5. Sara, A Lurker*

      I think this is a good idea, possibly better than the one I came to suggest, which was a transparent container with clasps on the lid. We have a mouse problem in my building and we are not permitted to keep candy in open containers and ESPECIALLY not in our desk drawers. We can keep them in overhead cabinets if they are in locking or clasping containers.

      LW has a coworker problem, not a mouse problem or even a candy problem, but since the coworker says that the LW’s presence helps dissuade her from taking the candy, I wondered if the extra step of having to noisily open the container might have a similar effect.

    7. Shannon*

      I like this. I think the OP can even approach the coworker and kindly and directly say “I want to discuss what happened the other day and find a compromise. While I appreciate that you’re trying to avoid sweets, not everyone in the office is, but I understand the constant sight of the candy can be an impulse control issue. So, my compromise is to put this in an opaque box. You won’t see the candy inside, can pretend it’s holding office supplies, and keep walking by it. However, with this, I’d like to say that I do not find it acceptable that you removed items from my desk and put it in my drawer, not do I find it acceptable that you were willing to throw away items on my desk. Please understand that I expect you to respect my personal property and in the future if there is a problem with my workspace, please speak to me before you move my desk around.”

      1. CynicallySweet*

        +1,000,000! I think the communication is really important too! If the manager ends up having to get involved having had this conversation will do a lot to help the OP save face!

        1. Catalina*

          This right here is the solution that makes the most sense to me. It’s okay to compromise, but it is not okay to continually violate boundaries by removing things from someone else’s desk AFTER they’ve asked for that boundary and then threaten to throw things away. That’s the part that cannot be ignored when dealing with this. It’s not about choosing the candy dish as a hill to die on but a boundary issue that should be discussed.

      3. Canadian Public Servant*

        Shannon, I think you’ve hit on exactly the right script.

        I am wicked stubborn and a wee bit self-righteous, and would be SO TEMPTED to dig in hard, and in an overly dramatic manner (supergluing the dish to a cinder block and tying it to my desk, making a point of noisily unwrapping and enjoying candy in front of the co-worker, giving every other colleague a candy dish and giant bag of candy, etc.) But I am also an adult, and in a leadership position, and while just giving in would make me steam and seethe and be continually BEC with regards to the co-worker because she bullied me and “won”, I could see myself having the conversation that comes from your script, and hopefully finding a satisfactory resolution as a result.

          1. Siaynoq*

            I am sorry for your loss, but you have gotten tremendously out of line with your comments. Sociopath, really?

            Having the desire to dig in and then not doing it is exactly what she’s saying here.

            It has nothing to do with the candy dish.

          2. Canadian Public Servant*

            Annie: your assumption that the co-worker has an eating disorder and her life is endangered by the visible presence of the candy dish is supported by exactly no facts.

            But were the local rehab centre to start marching into liquor stores and smashing alcohol bottles on the floor because clients found it tempting that alcohol existed, sure, maybe I’d consider drinking in front of it. I find the co-worker example much more similar to my reaction to the old men who parade with graphic photos in front of the reproductive health clinic in my city, in which I usually take a few minutes to stop and cheerfully and loudly share some pro-choice chants.

    9. TheBurgermeister*

      I like this idea, but would that be enough? She hid an empty dish which is leading me, and I know it’s an assumption, that the sight of the dish itself is the problem and not what’s in it? Sure she can’t SEE the candy but she knows the purpose of the dish.

      1. Ananas*

        Every bit helps. Bariatric specialist Yonni Freedhoff has a similar suggestion for dining out: when you feel full, cover anything that remains on your plate with your napkin. It is easier to resist things when they are not right in your face. Similarly, someone else’s suggestion of a jar with latches makes it that little bit harder to get a candy than just reaching in. It might not be enough for OP’s coworker (I have to hide my leftover Christmas chocolate in the bottom of my chest freezer, and some days that still isn’t good enough) but at least OP will have visibly tried to help.

        1. TheBurgermeister*

          Makes sense, if we don’t know what her trigger is physical effort, even minor, requires some thinking and realization.

  6. AdAgencyChick*

    I feel like everybody in this post needs a little empathy.

    OP’s coworker should not have moved the stuff without asking first. Coworker ought to have said something like, “Can I please ask that you not have these out in the open? It’s really hard for me to resist a trigger like that, and I’m really trying to watch what I eat.” Coworker should realize that she’s asking OP to forgo something OP has a right to do, and therefore approach politely and in terms of asking a favor, rather than just fixing things to suit herself.

    But I think OP should empathize a bit with how hard of a struggle it is, even with people whose eating is far from disordered, to resist certain triggers. We all have our “red-light” foods — the ones for which a habit is so strongly ingrained that seeing them means eating them without thinking about it, or that it is nearly impossible to eat just one of. I know if a coworker kept a bag of tortilla chips out, I would actively avoid that person’s desk because I just…don’t…have…self-control with those things.

    Maybe a covered, opaque jar might be enough of a “welcome to treats!” for those who like them, and a visual barrier for those who don’t want them?

    1. female peter gibbons*

      I agree, it’s not just triggers, it’s weight control in general. Yes, some people can eat candy all day every day and not gain weight. Some of us are constantly struggling 24/7 and haven’t let ourselves eat a piece of candy in a decade.

      1. Snark*

        No question! That’s real and hard and it’s a cross to bear. But it’s really not on anybody else to manage that for you. You avoid the bowl of tortilla chips or candy or whatever, you don’t steal it or demand it be removed from everyone’s presence on your behalf.

        1. fposte*

          I think the OP’s co-worker is definitely approaching it as if it were on others to manage, and that’s wrong. But that doesn’t mean it’s optimal to reject any mitigation either–it doesn’t have to be your obligation for you to be helpful.

          1. Falling Diphthong*

            Yeah, I think the coworker is out of line, but OP’s response is not optimal, especially if your goal is peaceful coexistence rather than the right to wear the TOTALLY RIGHT beer hat this week.

          2. Allison*

            Right. I don’t think it’s ridiculous to say “hey, I’m having trouble resisting this, is it possible to make it a little less visible?” OP is free to refuse, or try to find a solution, but there shouldn’t be any harm in asking.

            In fact, I’d rather people ask “can these be kept somewhere else?” than comment on how tempting it is every time they see it. I got so tired of the constant “ohhhh I want to, but I can’t! oh maybe I can be bad just this once, no one judge me okay” comments when I worked at my old cube which always had snacks outside of it – that I did NOT put there, mind you! When people acted like taking a donut would be sooooo bad and sooooo shameful and would make them soooooo fat, how do you think I felt for also having a donut?

            1. Greyjoyous*

              Except that OP isn’t free to refuse, because if she does then her coworker will hide or destroy her possessions.

              1. Catalina*

                This! The coworker crossed the line, and I think that’s the part that the OP is going to have to talk to her about. It’s not the candy dish; it’s the boundary violation and threat if they don’t comply with the cowoeker’s wishes.

            2. Blerpborp*

              I am sure OP would have more sympathy for Jane if Jane had approached the situation differently. And perhaps Jane just didn’t think putting the bowl away was that big a deal (there seems to be a pretty big divide here on how big a violation opening another person’s desk drawer/throwing a way a little candy is…some see it is a huge deal and others see it as rather minor.) If Jane came to the OP and said “these little candies make me over eat and it sucks for me could you conceal them in some way” then a solution could have been found before it became Candy Bowl War. But ultimately, Jane is asking for a favor and despite all the comments about how bad sugar is for people and how ED is very serious (both true, of course) a communal candy bowl is such a common part of US office culture that it’s going to be a difficult road to hoe expecting the office to change for them unless they learn a much less passive aggressive (verging on regular ol’ aggressive) way to ask for this accommodation.

            1. Parenthetically*

              Knock it off, please. Anti-candy moralizing is boring, and I got enough of it in bad videos in elementary school. Adults are allowed to choose what to eat.

              1. Grace*

                Of course they are, no one is arguing for making candy illegal. I would just like it not being constantly in plain view, every day, while people are working.

                1. Shannon*

                  The idea that OP is worsening coworkers health is not correct. The individuals taking candy are. They have choice. They don’t have to eat the candy. As a sugar addict would I prefer losing office candy dishes? YES. But, that problem is on me, not my coworkers who don’t have a sugar addiction/binge eating history.

                2. Cassie*

                  And I’d like not to have to work with sanctimonious moralising jerks trying to dictate what I eat. I’m sure your colleagues would too!

    2. MLB*

      It’s not OP’s problem that her co-worker has no willpower. I’ve struggled with weight all of my life, and have a huge sweet tooth. I would never have the audacity to insist that someone remove something from their desk because I can’t control myself. Is it difficult? Of course, but that’s life. It’s your responsibility to figure out ways to avoid the temptations in your life. It’s nobody else’s fault that I’m overweight, and it’s up to me – and ONLY me – to figure out how to fix it.

      2. MP*

        I don’t think I would have the audacity to ask someone to remove a candy jar either. I just wanted to say as someone who also struggles with her weight, and also feels VERY ALONE in solving this – I feel you. I’ll be thinking about you and hoping for your success!

      3. LKW*

        Another overweight person seconding this. This is my problem. It’s my struggle, no one else’s. When there is a communal snack drawer or candy dish, I have asked that certain types of candy not be purchased because they are harder to resist (damn you tiny square Snickers!). But if someone forgets and buys Snickers, I don’t get angry. I may get a little nauseous and sticky from eating too many, but I don’t get angry (ok, maybe a little angry with myself).

      4. AnotherAlison*

        Here’s the thing that’s weird to me. . .and I am a candy indulger. How is the fact that it’s not YOUR candy not somehow controlling your urge to over-indulge?

        There are community candy dishes within 20 ft of me. I just consider them NOT communal. Pretend you were not offered any candy and don’t help yourself. I might go to the vending machine and give into temptation, but I’m not going to eat 8 of my coworker’s candies in a day. I would consider that rude. (Not that I don’t see others here doing exactly that, but I think didn’t your mom tell you to not be greedy?)

        1. Allison*

          I’m a candy indulger as well, but a very shy one, which I think helps. Especially if the dish is on someone’s desk, it would be rude to just go and take a candy without at least saying “hi,” and that alone can be a deterrent, but regardless of where it is, I know someone is bound to notice if I take an excessive amount. And some people loooove to playfully schold young ladies like me for taking candy, like we’re little children who aught not to have any candy lest mommy and daddy say it’s okay!

      5. AdAgencyChick*

        I am a formerly obese person who stays in shape through a variety of elaborate coping mechanisms.

        A huge part of the “willpower” that has gotten me from 208 lbs. to 145 lbs. over the years is identifying certain trigger foods and doing everything I can not to be around those foods, or at least not to see them.

        So, although I would never do what OP’s coworker did and go straight to taking something off of a colleague’s desk, I very likely would ask someone “can you hide those from me while we’re having this meeting?”, ask that person to meet away from her office, or offer to buy an opaque jar.

        1. Fern*

          I wonder if the problem of the candy dish is that people stand around unwrapping candy, talking, laughing, saying how nice it is. This would add to the temptation too. I don’t agree with many posts on this forum. I would ditch the candy dish or keep it in a drawer. There’s is no need for it since there’s so many options everywhere to purchase candy and obesity rates are climbing dangerously. I think trying to be healthy should be supported.

          1. Elspeth*

            Nothing wrong with eating healthy, however, the coworkers can make their own choices whether to eat the candy or not.

            I think the best way is, as others have said, to get an opaque lidded container for the candy. Certainly, no one should just be removing items from the desk. I really don’t understand why the coworker couldn’t have just asked OP if she could either put the candy in the desk drawer or otherwise hide it.

        2. Not that into candy*

          We have a candy dish that is kept at the front desk. It’s paid for by work. Like you, I would never ever think to ask them to remove that because *I* can’t resist the candy.

          Also, wouldn’t seeing the same candy over and over make you tired of it anyways? We always buy the same candy over and over!

          1. alienor*

            It would me! There’s a vending machine in my office that’s had the same continually restocked options for 3+ years. I never buy anything from it anymore because at this point I’ve had all the Red Vines and peanut M&Ms I ever want to have.

          2. So long and thanks for all the fish*

            Maybe this is part of coworker’s problem- OP says they buy different things every time!

        3. What?*

          Coworker should buy the opaque jar since she is the one with the problem. And the moralizing about adult consumption of candy? Ugh.

      6. BethRA*

        And it wasn’t anyone else’s problem when I was on crutches and had trouble navigating doors to offices/buildings/etc. But, dang, it sure was appreciated when people decided to help me, anyway.

        Coworker was absolutely out of line to move the dish rather than talk to the OP, but it’s not like moving the dish is going to cost the OP anything, either.

          1. BethRA*

            Not as much as you’d think.

            Regardless, if you know someone is struggling, why would you be unwilling to take a simple step like moving the candy out of the person’s line of sight?

            2. Quake Johnson*

              Because they aren’t entitled to my help. If they want my help, they can earn it by being nice to me, not rearranging my desk on the sly.

          2. Princess Consuela Banana Hammock*

            Trigger foods and weight loss are not always about a lack of willpower or self-control. It’s harmful to frame it this way.

      7. Grace*

        People are wired to be weak around junk food. You can’t fault them for that. Junk food is engineered to be addictive and hard to resist.

        1. Tehmorp*

          Glad you mentioned this.

          I’m see a lot of comments about “complete lack of willpower”, but everything I know about willpower suggests that we are probably at our willpower-weakest at work because we have to use willpower to stay on task throughout the day. More so now than ever because *everything* is engineered to be addictive and hard to resist.

          I don’t quite understand why people are so willing to accept companies influencing our behavior by specifically designing unhealthy things to be hard to resist, and yet so unwilling to accept that maybe we should design our systems to influence us in healthy directions instead.

          2. Pommette!*

            Yeah.

            Resisting candy does not require the same amount of willpower for all. For some, it requires a lot of willpower not to eat the whole jar. Exerting that kind of willpower is exhausting. Feeling guilty over your struggles with willpower is exhausting and demoralizing. For some people, seeing a candy jar all day is going to mean thinking about the candy jar all day.

            The OP’s coworker framed her request poorly, and I fully understand why the OP bristled at it!

            But in the end, we know that small environmental modification can work to support or undermine people’s willpower. It would be easy, and kind, for the OP to make small changes (e.g. opaque jar with lid; moving jar to a different office) that would make her colleague’s day-to-day a lot more pleasant.

        2. So long and thanks for all the fish*

          And there was some new line of thinking not too long ago that basically said that nobody actually had willpower- people had different things they just couldn’t resist, and the only way to manage something that you couldn’t resist was to not have it near you. I don’t think coworker was right in how they approached it, but I have a lot of sympathy for them.

      8. MLB*

        Who said she had an eating disorder? You’re making assumptions here, and there’s really no need to scream about it.

    3. Murphy*

      I think OP would have been more inclined to empathize if their co-worker had just talked to them about it instead of immediately messing with their stuff.

      1. Justme, The OG*

        Yes, exactly. Asking if they would move the dish to another part of the desk (or inside) is totally different than the co-irker doing it themselves.

      2. myswtghst*

        I think this is true, and I think, in the interest of minimizing conflict at work, it might be a good exercise for the OP to think about what they would have done if the coworker had approached them in a less obnoxious way. That might give OP some good ideas on how to proceed, with the satisfaction that they are both right and the bigger person in this scenario.

      3. Lissa*

        I think this is two different issues, yeah. There’s the anger at the coworker for moving OP’s stuff, totally justified. Plus question of whether it’s a good move to indulge the coworker and move the dish, or insist on keeping it out. I think that a lot of commenters here have the view of “well, the coworker behaved super inappropriately, so I’m going to refuse to help them out” which I totally get on an emotional level but I don’t think is really productive long-term.

        IMO, separate the issues. If OP would like to talk to management about the coworker moving their stuff, that could be done. But I think it should be separate with whether OP is willing to work out a solution with the dish. Again I tooootally get the “screw you too” reaction but at work it seems like it’s better to not do that. (if this were not work I’d totally be leaving the dish out though.)

    4. EMW*

      Seconding getting a covered jar. I’m torn between whether I would tell the coworker or just replace the dish with a jar.

      I personally can’t resist candy that’s out in the open. I just make a point to never use anyone’s communal candy dish – in my mind it’s their candy not to share. But if you put candy in front of me during a conference, I always ask my neighbors if they want any before moving it out of my reach. I will just eat the entire thing due to boredom.

      1. TheBurgermeister*

        I pointed this out above but the coworker did hide an empty dish. Without knowing how it became empty we don’t know how effective the covered dish would be. If she had eaten the candy THEN hid the dish it may be helpful to do so, but if she hid a dish that was already empty it may not be all that effective. She may not be able to see the candy, but she knows what the dish is for.

    5. Zip Silver*

      Yeah I feel for the coworker. I lost over 80lbs 7 years ago and I *still* have problems with temptation. I can’t keep snacks in the house or I’d go right back to where I was, my wife has her own hidey hole for snacks.

      I agree with the commenter a few posts up, OP. Get an opaque candy dish with a lid, you keep the candy out, and you’re helping your coworker out.

        1. Zip Silver*

          The coworker didn’t write in to AAM, so we aren’t giving the coworker advice now, are we?

    6. The Other Dawn*

      I agree with using an opaque jar if possible. I struggle all the time with communal candy, treats, etc. at work and I hate it, but it’s on ME to control myself; it’s no one else’s responsibility but my own. It definitely helps when there’s a bag or jar or whatever and I can’t see what’s in it.

    7. Countess Boochie Flagrante*

      I agree with this.

      The coworker definitely handled this in a really bad way, as Alison pointed out, in multiple dimensions — she was rude, demanding, and messed with someone else’s desk, that’s all incredibly uncool! At the same time, I do have some empathy for her.

      I struggled with an eating disorder for a long time, one that carried a lot of food hoarding tendencies, and free access food sitting out at work was one of my absolute worst triggers — not coincidentally, there was a time in my life when communal food at work was how I survived. The habits that got me through a difficult year took more like five or six years to subsequently break.

      A huge dimension of food problems, whether they rise to the level of an eating disorder or not, is shame — and shame can make people act out in really unfortunate and self-destructive ways.

    8. Engineer Girl*

      The issue isn’t about the candy. It’s about violating boundaries.
      – Jane couldn’t be bothered to have the discussion
      – Jane decided on her own to move candy that belonged to another (who cares what OP thinks!!)
      – Jane went into OPs desk
      – Jane doubled down and refused to look at compromise.

      Then there’s the issue of the person that thought OP was talking about her.

      Your office is filled with passive agressive children.

      That said, doubling down under these conditions makes OP look bad. Because passive aggressive people will gossip and complain behind her back and make themselves into the pooooor victim.

      1. Mockingjay*

        Violating boundaries is the exact phrase I came to use.

        This is a petty power struggle by Jane. Unfortunately, for the sake of office harmony, the OP is going to have to give in with some sort of compromise. Never mind the dish was there for years before it became an issue. Never mind that the small sweet pleasure enjoyed by many will be reduced or eliminated due to one.

        I guarantee Jane will take this ‘victory’ as proof that she is ‘right.’ And having won this battle, she’ll be looking to win another.

      2. EventPlannerGal*

        Agreed. The fact that the item that’s being moved around is candy is pretty trivial; the issue is that the coworker can’t or hasn’t dealt with the candy in a reasonable, professional matter and now it’s turned into a Thing.

        FWIW, however this might affect my answer, I do have an eating disorder that is still ongoing. I empathise deeply with the coworker. My personal view of this is that there are many things in my office that I don’t like or wish weren’t there, including communal food, but I don’t have the right to just go and remove them if they belong to someone else.

      3. Aspiring Chicken Lady*

        Absolutely. We can get distracted by the types of jars and candy, but my desk is my personal zone.

        Moving and removing objects is not OK unless previously authorized. Just common courtesy in shared space.

        Perhaps a small candy-dish free respite, and then return as if there’s clean slate and possibly a new snackies strategy, after a casual poll of your co-workers about what would be pleasant for everyone involved. (Like maybe stocking mostly things Jane hates.) Pretend that there are no winners.

      4. myswtghst*

        Agreed. It makes sense for OP to be the bigger person here and find a solution, but I also would not think poorly of the OP if they decide to also have some (polite and measured) words with Jane about respecting personal space and asking next time.

    9. CupcakeCounter*

      While I like the idea of the opaque jar something tells me the coworker is still going to have an issue with it. She knows what is in the jar even though she can’t see the actual contents.
      I could also just be incredibly pessimistic

      1. Tin Cormorant*

        The same would apply to a candy drawer in the desk, though. She was fine with the candy being hidden in there even though she knew it was there, so a decorative jar on the desktop might accomplish the same thing?

        1. Yorick*

          I think she’s hoping that a candy drawer will be used less and the candy dish will eventually die out.

    10. AnonyMouse*

      Yep. The coworker was 100% out of line but I think the OP may have let the removal of the candy dish color her reaction a bit disproportionately. A lot of people have lifelong struggles w food and weight, and a lot of those struggles are very emotional and deep-rooted. OP would do well to separate the incident itself from the coworker’s struggles w such trigger food. 2 wrongs don’t make a right.

      1. Observer*

        Except that until this point, the OP has actually NOT done anything wrong. Keeping candy on her desk is NOT wrong.

        1. TheFacelessOldWomanWhoSecretlyLivesinYour House*

          Exactly. L’m amazed at how many people are ok with a grown adult throwing a tantrum, moving other people’s stuff, threatening destruction and the’re all “Poor Jane.”

        2. SarahTheEntwife*

          I assume it’s wrapped candy. Keeping snacks at your desk (usually in a drawer, but those are hardly vermin-proof) is almost ubiquitous everywhere I’ve worked.

    11. Observer*

      I don’t think it’s necessarily a lack of empathy. It’s more that the empathy is more for the LW than the coworker.

      I have great sympathy for the coworker as someone who is struggling to lose weight. But her behavior and attitude is waaaay out of line. I think that it’s important to acknowledge that.

      Having said that I fully agree with everyone who said that the OP should most definitely not go to war over this, and should try to obscure the candy to some extent.

      1. Crivens!*

        This post is awful and fatphobic.

        I also urge you to Google orthorexia.

        Candy in moderation is not harmful.

        1. Grace*

          Fatphobic I’m not. And candy in moderation becomes a challenge when you have access to it daily at work. Eating candy several times a week is not moderation and it will ruin your teeth.

          1. Crivens!*

            I eat some form of dessert every day and have a clean bill of health from both my doctor and dentist. Your fear of candy is irrational.

          2. Jadelyn*

            Fatphobic you are, actually. It’s like homophobia or any other -ism – if people who are in the group affected tell you you’re doing something harmful, you don’t have any standing to just say “Nuh uh!” and expect that to help your case any.

            I mean, have you considered just…like…not policing other people’s food choices and letting them handle their own diets like adults?

            1. Grace*

              I have nothing against fat people. I don’t want to police anyone’s behavior. But what I would like to see is us making changes to the environment that make it easier for people to make healthy choices (candy is not healthy in any way whatsoever, it’s bad for your teeth and your skin and your heart). This doesn’t mean policing individual people’s choices, it means making healthy choices easier.

              I have a lot of compassion for fat people who have temptations all around them and the system is rigged against them.

              1. Crivens!*

                This is fatphobic. Feeling pity for people because they have a different body type than you isn’t kind, either.

                And again, candy is fine in moderation. Your attitude towards it is unhealthy.

      2. Jadelyn*

        Wow, I almost don’t know where to start with this one.

        I guess I’ll start with, no, Americans are not “too fat”. Secondly, fat does not equal unhealthy – do some looking into the “health at every size” movement and the actual science that shows it’s far more effective than weight-loss programs have ever been, if your actual goal is people being healthy.

        All of that, though, I could have rolled my eyes and ignored. Not like you’re the first person I’ve heard doing this in my life. Not even the first this week.

        But you literally finish by implying to the OP that she’s a *bad person* because she’s providing candy instead of snacks YOU personally approve of? And trying to make it some kind of moral obligation? No. That’s where you crossed the line. This entire comment is deeply unkind to a lot of people, but that ending is very personally unkind to the OP. Not okay.

        1. Grace*

          Yes, Americans are one of the leading nations when it comes to obesity and that’s a problem.

          It’s not about what I personally approve of, candy is objectively not healthy.

          2. The PhD Is Purely Decorative*

            I think what people are trying to communicate is that while many things can be perceived as not optimally healthy (e.g., reading AAM when a fully abled person could instead spend that time running), each of us is capable of managing our own health. Please trust us to do so.
            p.s. I love fruits and vegetables, too! :)

          3. Sugarplum Fatty*

            Nothing is “objectively” not healthy. People are different. Bodies are different.

            I’m sorry you have drunk the Kool-aid (oh, sorry, does that have too much sugar for your delicate constitution? It’s OK, it’s just a metaphor, don’t run to your overworked dentist), but your fatphobic crap is awful, horrible and completely ignorant. You need to do some actual learning and not just buy into what the media tells you, sweetie (sorry, is that too sugary? Honey? Guess you’d find that bad too. Oh well!)

    13. Free Meerkats*

      While I agree with AAM’s advice here, this falls under “Your triggers aren’t my problem.”

      I think EPLawyer had it right. Grow up. This is the mindset of a toddler – if it’s there I must eat it.

      1. Jadelyn*

        Agreed. While I have sympathy for folks struggling with that urge (which, by the way, is often caused by restrictive dieting and moralizing of food choices, and the best way to unlearn that impulse is to, counterintuitively, give in to it until you’ve recalibrated your sense of food desires to something healthier), getting past that is a lot of You Work that nobody else can or should be responsible for.

  7. Owler*

    It sounds like she has more of an issue when it’s unguarded, and you say it’s not unusual for you to be out of the office a bit. Why not have it out when you’re there, but also try to put it away when you leave? You still get the joy of sharing, but she gets some time without the temptation?

    2. Rusty Shackelford*

      I think this is a good compromise. Now, the coworker hiding my dish instead of politely discussing the situation would *really* get my hackles up, and I wouldn’t be inclined at all to compromise with her, nor do I think the LW *needs* to. But when you’re in a forced-sharing-of-space situation, it’s often in your best interest to compromise even when you have the right of way, so to speak. I also think the opaque dish is a good idea.

    3. Snark*

      I mean, that would be nice, and if she’d led with that it would have been great, but she didn’t.

      1. fposte*

        Sure, but the fact that she didn’t lead with that doesn’t remove it as a possibility. It’s not a privilege that she’s lost. This is where the Carolyn Hax “put down your dukes” advice fits–what would you do if this wasn’t a fight? Why not try that now?

        1. Snark*

          I mean, that’d be the low-conflict way to go. But I do think there’s a certain amount of consideration and collegiality one forfeits when one takes such a confrontational approach. It’s not really on OP to do anything. Coworker is totally free to suggest a compromise.

          1. fposte*

            I’m just rejecting the whole “on” construction; I think it’s a framing that hurts everybody. What would be good to do? What would be useful to do? What would get the best outcome?

              1. fposte*

                Yup.

                If I were the OP, here’s what I think I’d do. I’d sleep on it for a few days to let my indignation ebb a little, and then I’d approach the co-worker. “I understand having the candy out is difficult for you. What I’ve done is move it to this side of my desk so my monitor is between you and the dish, and switched to an opaque dish [assuming that’s helpful or doable]. That seems like a good balance so that you don’t see it but it’s still available for the people who enjoy it in the office; I hope that helps.” I wouldn’t go into what I can’t or won’t do; just outline the steps I’ve taken and move on.

                3. Snark*

                  I think we’re basically on the same page, but I’d be a little clearer about boundaries. “Hey, I moved the candy jar so it’s behind my stuffed llama. I hope that’s an okay compromise between you and those of us who like the candy jar to be available, but please don’t take it on yourself to move it or stash it in my desk drawer, because that’s not okay with me.”

                4. myswtghst*

                  Yes to everything you’ve said in this comment thread. It can be satisfying to pat oneself on the back about how right we are, but it’s rarely helpful in moving forward with the situation. I really like this framing of “here’s what I’ve done” as a statement of fact, rather than an invitation for suggestions.

                5. Jules the 3rd*

                  +1 Though I think you may have to repeat the boundary of ‘if that’s not enough, come talk to me. Don’t touch my stuff on my desk, I find that very offensive.’

          2. Dragoning*

            Sure, but Coworker didn’t write in and we can’t give coworker suggestions. We can only advise OP, and “They should do it” doesn’t get us anywhere in resolving the problem.

        2. Someone Else*

          My concern in this scenario would be if OP forgets, she’s still going to end up with a coworker touching her stuff, which I would be very very annoyed by. So now OP has to remember every time she gets up for work reasons to do this not-work thing to keep the coworker pacified. If she forgets because she’s busy or needed to go somewhere quickly, will the coworker get all grumpy and “we agreed you do X” and it escalates again? The whole thing is already SO confrontational, and I get it, being right is not the thing that will necessarily be best for the situation but I’m really not down with the notion that it’s now OP’s responsibility to save coworker from temptation.

          1. Yorick*

            I don’t think she needs to move it every time she gets up – that’d be too much. But she could move it when she leaves for the day.

    4. kittymommy*

      I think this becomes tricky when other people are contributing to it as well, as the LW says they sometimes do. Then you may have a bunch of colleagues in and out of the desk.

      1. Hey Karma, Over here.*

        This. Bob or Mary may stop by once a day, or every Wednesday at 2:30 and take a piece of candy. So if OP is out, nobody can have candy. Because one person doesn’t want to see it.
        If they were to tell OP that not having candy messed with their schedule, we’d say “buy your own.”
        I swear the first letter I read on this site was a man who wanted to contact his wife’s coworker and tell her to get rid of the candy dish because it tempted his wife. Was that here?

        3. Qwerty123*

          OP says the candy dish sometimes remains empty for a while and no one is upset by that. So I don’t think hiding it would cause issues from that perspective.

          I agree that by promising to hide it, OP would leave herself exposed to vetching about “you said you’d put it away and didn’t on Tuesday” and that would be annoying.

    5. MLB*

      I mean that would work, but I’m not always going to remember when I’m rushing to a meeting to put the temptation away. The bigger issue to me is the co-worker putting the dish in her desk. She’s violating some major boundaries here.

    6. LKW*

      If she puts it away -doesn’t that mean everyone else is denied the candy? That doesn’t sound like a compromise.

        1. Parenthetically*

          Does anyone really NEED to have people smile at them? Or wear clothing that isn’t purely utilitarian? Or eat anything besides the exact macros to precisely meet their nutritional needs? Beep boop!

          Her coworkers all (but one) like the candy dish and express appreciation for it.

          1. Grace*

            Yes, positive social interaction is a need, candy is not. There’s a lot of delicious food that’s not candy.

            1. Jadelyn*

              Yes, Food Police, we get it. No fun allowed. Veggies only. Not sure why this seems to be your hill, but it’s really not contributing to the conversation.

              1. Grace*

                Removed. Grace, I’ve asked you to stop and now I’m putting your comments on moderation. – Alison

            2. Parenthetically*

              I eat so many delicious things that aren’t candy. AND ALSO CANDY.

              Sweet treats have been around since people first discovered that those Ouch Bugs made something REALLY TASTY in their weird Ouch Houses. Give up this crusade.

            3. Snark*

              I don’t believe this conversation is moved forward by your personal views on candy consumption, so let’s move on, shall we.

    1. Parenthetically*

      This is also my immediate impulse, particularly as someone who has spent a good portion learning to tune into my body’s signals and cues and break free from the diet-culture mindset. Here’s the science, from the studies I’ve read: food restriction doesn’t solve the “problem,” in fact it exacerbates it and creates a situation exactly like the one OP is in, because it creates a scarcity/hoarding cycle that’s laden with guilt. Radical permission is the solution, because it breaks that cycle.

      My kinder take though is that, unfortunately, OP can’t magically zap that into her coworker’s head, and a lifelong habit of restricting (and then bingeing on) some foods as naughty or bad or too tempting can’t be broken overnight. So I’d make the effort to keep it out of her line of sight, but not hide it or put it away, because I reject the whole assertion that sweets are “bad” and have to be hidden. There’s concessions to a very understandable unhealthy mindset, and then there’s enabling straight-up disordered though processes. I’ll do the former, but not the latter.

      1. Detective Amy Santiago*

        I’ve been doing a lot of reading lately on binge-eating disorder and intuitive eating and everything in your first paragraph is spot on.

        If there was a reasonable ask to keep the dish out of her line of sight, I’d happily comply with that. But coworker’s attitude here is a big problem and she’s expecting other people to manage her issues.

        1. Parenthetically*

          I think Snark is absolutely right in his comments below. And ultimately I agree with you! And had a pretty pissy response ready to fire up that I redacted.

          I’m just thinking about a) having compassion on someone who’s still trapped in that restriction/diet-culture mindset, and b) ensuring that my actions in this situation would be productive to a healthy working relationship going forward. I suggested some wording below to put the ball in the coworker’s court about coming up with a solution.

      2. CheeseNurse*

        That’s great that works for you, but it doesn’t work for everyone. I am not as easily distracted as OP’s co-worker by candy, but I’ve learned that if I eat sweets (especially baked goods) it can trigger weeks of binge eating. I am happier, and without cravings and disordered eating, if I forgo them. So for me the mentally and physically healthy choice is food restriction.

      3. Jadelyn*

        Beautifully said. And I’d add that it can take literal years of “radical permission” – love that phrase, btw – before your sense of food desires gets reset to a healthy baseline. It took probably three or four years of improvement to get where I am now, with the ability to base my food choices solely on “what do I actually want and need right now?” instead of feeling “tempted” by things.

        My coworkers literally marvel that I can keep candy sitting on my desk for weeks without eating it. I’ve tried to explain that it’s because I refuse to moralize the candy as “good” or “bad”, I see the candy as entirely morally neutral, which removes the entire “temptation” aspect of it. “Aren’t you tempted?” Well, no. There’s nothing to tempt me, because there’s nothing stopping me. If I want the candy, I’ll eat it. If I’m not experiencing a genuine desire for candy at the moment, there’s no reason to eat it, so I don’t.

        1. Parenthetically*

          Yep, I’m about 6 months into an intuitive eating/anti-diet/anti-restriction journey and it’s really a hard mindset shift, but worth it, to confront food when I have radical permission to eat whatever I want, and however much I want of it. I have ice cream in my fridge that’s been there for days untouched. It hasn’t sounded good, so I haven’t had it. I love how you phrase it — I’m not tempted, because there’s nothing stopping me. I’m still working on getting to that same place with chips… ;)

          1. Jadelyn*

            You’ll get there! It just takes time, and patience with yourself. Wishing you the best with your journey! :)

        2. PlainJane*

          This is such a wonderfully healthy approach. I’m getting better at this as I get older. If I want it, I eat it, but I also try to invest in my health, because I want to age well so I can keep doing active things I enjoy. When I frame my eating as a kind thing I do for myself (whether it’s eating veggies to nourish my body or candy just because I want to), I find I don’t obsess about food. Food is neither good nor bad, and I can eat what I want.

      4. aNameGoesHere*

        I read this and immediately felt a huge amount of empathy for this coworker. She’s not acting reasonably, but I can really see why she wouldn’t be, given the scenario. That’s not an excuse, but it does inform how I’d want to respond. I don’t think of her as “a fat person without self control trying to remove things for everyone because she can’t handle it”– I see “Someone in a calorie deficit, trying to stay in that, even in the face of her self preservation instincts which tell her to eat this food, and when her self-preservation wins, she feels intense shame about it.”

        I also suspect that what she’s been doing is eating the whole bowl, or near it, and feeling ashamed and hiding it because of that. So the bowl was probably found while her emotions were still running very high. None of this is an excuse, but it might be useful to know. Addressing something in the moment is normally a good strategy, and one you should generally follow, but I think it may have gotten a poorer outcome than a more delayed response would have gotten. I also suspect that if this happens again– or if the bowl disappears or anything like that where it MAY have been thrown away or it MAY have been eaten– would probably best be addressed later, after the emotions have had a chance to die down.

    2. MRM*

      This comment is neither helpful nor kind nor insightful. Obviously it’s not, but the problem still needs to be solved.

      1. Just Employed Here*

        I don’t think there is unanimous agreement here that the problem needs to be solved *by the OP*. I mean, it would be nice and helpful of the OP to be part of the solution, but the OP is not really the one with the problem.

        1. MRM*

          OP is very much the one with the problem, to the point that OP wrote into an advice column for help dealing with said problem. You will encounter people who are not reasonable or polite your whole life, and you’ll have to deal with them in a reasonable and polite way. Telling OP that they’re in the right isn’t helpful. They still need to deal with the situation. Trying to find a solution while maintaining boundaries (ie don’t touch my s%#*) will make life easier for everyone. Retaliating with pettiness will damage your own reputation, especially given that everyone will be hearing two sides of the story. It absolutely doesn’t matter that Coworker started it or is at fault. Saying that over and over solves nothing.

          1. Jasnah*

            I totally agree with this. We can sit here and debate how much the coworker was wrong, but ultimately OP has to decide “well I don’t like how she asked, but I understand what she wants. How can I get what I want while upsetting the fewest people?”

          2. Just Employed Here*

            AFAIU, there is only one person in the office (out of many coworkers) who has problem with the candy dish. The OP does have a problem, but that problem is having an unreasonable coworker.

            It’s usually not particularly helpful to be “reasonable and polite” when peers are making unreasonable demands. The OP doesn’t have to reward that behaviour.

            I don’t know where you got “retaliating with pettiness” from, but I’m certainly not advocating that, either. Standing your ground, which can certainly be done politely, is not retaliation.

    3. Zombeyonce*

      This is a really non-compassionate response. While I agree that this is not OP’s problem, blaming people for “lack of willpower” isn’t quite fair. It’s mostly agreed that people have a limit to the amount of willpower available each day (studies have put it better, but you get what I’m saying). If someone is trying to lose weight and candy is a really hard thing to resist, she’s using up that amount of willpower every single time she has to walk by OP’s desk. She may not be able to avoid the desk and if she’s trying to lose weight, she’s having to make these willpower decisions probably a hundred times each day.

      It’s telling that the coworker mentioned that it was easier to not take the candy when OP is at the desk because it’s a social construct to not just help yourself to all the candy in a dish when someone is there to observe, but when no one is around and the candy is there, the amount of willpower needed to not do that is much higher and bingeing is much harder to avoid.

      The coworker didn’t do a good job asking nicely for this, but OP would be doing a huge kindness to this person if they just put the dish in their desk when they were going to be away for a period of time. OP can be both right and kind in this situation with one small change.

      2. Detective Amy Santiago*

        Look, I’m over 100 pounds overweight thanks to a binge eating disorder. It’s still not anyone else’s problem but my own to deal with temptations.

        1. Zombeyonce*

          I don’t see how that means it wouldn’t be kind for OP to put the dish away when they leave the office. It would take them literally 5 seconds max to be a more compassionate human and engender good will with a coworker while also making them look nice to the rest of the office. There are only benefits for OP here.

          1. VelociraptorAttack*

            Based on what I’ve seen happen around communal candy dishes, there may very well just be annoyance amongst the rest of the office that the candy jar is now hidden away while OP isn’t there.

      3. MLB*

        But it’s true. Why is it the OP’s job to remove all temptations for others? That’s not realistic at all, nor should it be the expectation.

        1. Zombeyonce*

          Of course it’s not their job, but a teeny tiny effort on their part would make someone else’s life easier. It’s like letting someone merge in front of you on the highway. It may get you to work .4 seconds later, but it’s kind and could make a much bigger difference to the other person. Isn’t that what we want for ourselves, to have an easier life? Why not do something incredibly small to give that to other people?

          1. Aurion*

            You are a much nicer person than me (I say that in all sincerity). I would’ve been inclined to compromise and help, but soon as the coworker doubled down and threatened to rifle through OP’s desk and throw away the candy, my helpfulness vanished.

            It is a small kindness, perhaps. But my interest in doing such kindnesses vapourize when it is demanded from me with the coworker’s attitude.

            1. Jadelyn*

              Once someone gets aggressive and demanding about a thing, it’s no longer kindness, it’s capitulation, and in my experience it trains the person to expect you to capitulate on other things.

              2. Spencer Hastings*

                This!

                “I didn’t do that just because you told me to” is a sentence I have had occasion to utter many times in my life (but have only rarely been brave enough to say it outright).

          2. coffee cup*

            I totally agree. It doesn’t have to be someone’s ‘job’ for them to help another person by doing it. Even just making a small adjustment to improve someone else’s day.

            1. Jadelyn*

              I disagree. She’s not asking for help. She’s demanding to be catered to. There’s a big, big difference there.

              1. Anon for today*

                You don’t really know that without knowing if she’s otherwise reasonable. This may be a particularly difficult subject for her.

        2. Sloan Kittering*

          I think to me, the crux is that it’s not OP’s job nor responsibility to bring candy, either. It’s an extra, optional thing she’s doing voluntarily, presumably because she hopes it will make people happy. Now she knows it’s making at least one person extremely unhappy, it seems reasonable to stop doing it or change how she’s going about it.

          1. TheFacelessOldWomanWhoSecretlyLivesinYour House*

            99 people are happy, one isn’t and threw a tantrum. Ignore that one.

      4. Cube Ninja*

        Any sympathy I had diminished substantially at the point the coworker threatened to throw out the candy. She was directly asked not to move things from OP’s desk without asking, escalated to indicate she could continue to do so despite that request, and threatened to throw out the candy after that. I don’t think we need to make excuses for the coworker being a bit unreasonable.

        With that said, I agree wholeheartedly it’s probably best to be both right and kind. Drop the thing in a drawer, cover, whatever, or just stop with the candy altogether if alternate arrangements don’t work.

    4. Ginger*

      Agreed.

      I’m having a really hard time here trying to understand, let alone, empathize with the coworker. She’s an adult, leave the darn dish alone.

      1. Zombeyonce*

        I definitely empathize with the coworker (though not the way she responded to OP). I love sweets and constantly crave them and seeing sweets I like in an open candy dish is incredibly difficult for me to turn down. I’m always relieved when people put candy I don’t like in those dishes so the temptation is removed. I wouldn’t blame the person for having the dish, but it’s not fair to pretend that it’s easy for the dieting coworker to ignore the dish.

        1. valentine*

          It doesn’t matter if it’s easy to ignore the dish. Why doesn’t this fall under “Mind your business and ignore it”? She’s not trying to get the vending machines removed, but this dish is such a bridge too far, she’s threatened to steal/trash her colleagues’ candy (and hide the empty dish again, I guess).

    5. Kitty*

      Yup. She’s asking OP to take on a bunch of emotional labour to manage her feelings about food, and in a really rude way. You can have empathy for someone’s situation and still not take on their emotional labour.

      Remember the LW who was on the other side of this, with a huge snack spread for all in the communal area, and they were recovering from an eating disorder? Even they recognised that it wasn’t others’ responsibility to change the company culture to suit them, so they looked for other solutions like changing desks.

      I’m also concerned that giving in to these kind of passive aggressive demands will set a precedent that she can get her way with this rude behaviour and it will continue or escalate.

      That said, probably the easiest solution would be to leave the dish in the kitchen. Still easily accessible to all, without the discomfort for OP of people going through their drawers. If co-worker isn’t satisfied with that it’s time to stop trying to accommodate her because she’s being super unreasonable.

      1. Archaeopteryx*

        I agree; the fact that Coworker started with “hide someone else’s property” instead of “talk to the OP”, combined with the solipsism of her demands, would make me worried that giving in to her request might provoke some other kind of power tripping or boundary violating. It’s an oddly childish sequence of events, so would getting rid of the dish lead to even more unreasonable behavior?

      2. TheFacelessOldWomanWhoSecretlyLivesinYour House*

        So you’re ok with people going through your drawers and tossing your stuff?

      3. aebhel*

        …she hid it in a drawer and then threatened to throw it away if it was left out again. That’s a lot more than moving it a couple of inches.

    6. Not A Manager*

      Assuming that this is a person who is generally well-socialized, imagine how much distress this candy must cause her in order for her to act this way. This is a grown woman making threats, violating boundaries and generally having a tantrum. Again, unless she’s a horrible person and this is her MO, the candy MUST be a super big deal to her.

      My guess is that she is binge eating the candy when OP isn’t around, and it makes her feel shame and anger at herself, and that leads to her blaming the OP and acting inappropriately to her. I do think the OP can find some room in herself to empathize with her co-worker’s distress.

      Whatever the compromise turns out to be, “not my circus, not my monkeys” is a very harsh response.

      1. TheFacelessOldWomanWhoSecretlyLivesinYour House*

        I don’t see it as harsh at all. Co worker messed around with LW’s desk, threatened her property and never once asked. Jane can grow up. I might start buying more candy and leaving a camera on the desk.

        1. MHP*

          Where’s your evidence of mental illness in this letter? Or are you just assuming that anyone this demanding and rude is mentally ill? Because THAT’s alarming!

          1. aebhel*

            You can tell when someone is mentally ill because they’re acting like a jerk! That’s not ableist at all!

  9. Temperance*

    I would lock the desk drawers so she can’t do it again. If she does, I would then get rid of it altogether and tell people it’s because of Jane’s complaints.

    1. Over candy?*

      Alienating an entire group of people over candy. As rude as the complaining is, being this aggressive is petty and not a great way to act at work.

      1. Sloan Kittering*

        Yeah, what was OP’s purpose in putting out the candy? It was probably to create a pleasant atmosphere and give her coworkers a treat. Instigating World War Four is probably the opposite of that …

      2. Temperance*

        I mean, it would just be that one person who is going out of her way to make LW miserable and is fighting with her. People who appreciate and enjoy the candy are going to be annoyed, so it’s fine for LW to direct people to fob their annoyance at the source of the problem.

        1. ket*

          You’re right…

          …and at the same time, “Take your complaints to Jane! She’s why we can’t have candy!” or even a prettied-up version sounds petty and unprofessional. That’s fine if that’s the effect the OP is after, but it sounded like she was interested in other options.

      3. Les G*

        This. OP won’t be in the right for much longer if she startd escalating and stooping to the coworker’s level.

        1. CupcakeCounter*

          OP would not be stooping to coworkers level. She has every right to lock her drawers when away – I 100% would be doing that if I found out anyone had been in my drawers. It is not on OP or any other employee to manage Jane’s eating.
          Eliminate the candy aspect and you have one employee getting into another employee’s desk. Most people would automatically start locking their drawer.
          Jane’s threat to throw away the candy that other people have purchased is the unreasonable action. It is not Jane’s right to dispose of other people’s property simply because she cannot help herself eating it.

          1. Tin Cormorant*

            Probably different workplace norms, but everywhere I’ve ever worked that had locking desk drawers, it was 100% expected that you’d always have them locked when away from day 1 of starting the job there. Just like you’d lock your computer when away so nobody could come look at your files. Seriously, people would play pranks on anyone who forgot (stuff like changing your desktop background to feature a popular teen idol), and they learned in short order.

            1. Colette*

              I’ve always had locking desk drawers and that has never been the expectation for me unless I had something valuable/sensitive in the drawers. I currently have 4 sets of locking drawers/cabinets and lock one.

      4. aebhel*

        But it’s not LW’s responsibility to bring in candy? I’d get rid of it, too. It just seems like it’s become a massive unnecessary headache. If other people in the office want to have a communal candy dish, they can figure out a way to work around Jane. I would just wash my hands of the whole issue.

        1. elizabeth frantes*

          It would appear only one person has a problem with the candy, due to her personal inability to control herself. And feels it’s acceptable to go through another worker’s desk. She is the problem, she created the conflict, and backing down will only encourage her behavior. Move the candy to the break room? She’ll still be unable to control herself. This is not some ADA issue, it’s a woman who is a jerk, likes to be large and in charge and is probably an office thief.

    2. Magenta Sky*

      I’d be more inclined to epoxy the dish to the top of the desk. Or maybe a different dish, with a combination lock, and tell everyone but here the combination.

      But the company may object to the permanent alteration of the desk.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        I used double-sided tape when I finally located my always-disappearing-calculator. That cured that problem. After that I always had my calculator. However, my desk was old and it was in an environment where it was expected that the desk would get some bumps and scratches. Context is everything here.

        I do think in OP’s case this would be a less preferred reply to the problem. It would have OP operating on a similar level as the cohort. OP can insist that coworker use her words for communication and not take actions herself in lieu of using words.

    3. The New Wanderer*

      This was the part of the advice I didn’t agree with. It doesn’t solve anything to explicitly name Jane as the source of the non-problem, and it can cause bad feelings where none are really warranted. Communal candy is great (to at least some of us) but if it’s not provided by the company, it’s not like people are losing a company perk over this.

      I totally don’t agree with Jane’s methods, she was being a real jerk about this. But the solution should not involve saying explicitly “Jane was a jerk about this, therefore no more totally optional candy.”

      1. Temperance*

        If Jane could find a workable solution that didn’t involve going into LW’s desk, sure, I’d agree. If the candy has to go, though, I don’t think LW should take the blame when people ask what happened.

        1. aebhel*

          Yeah, I don’t the LW should proactively name and shame, but if people get upset about it I don’t think it makes sense for them to take the hit, either.

      2. fposte*

        Yeah, that seems like being deliberately punitive. The publicness of the dish moving is an easy reason, and if you just say “That whole dish removal thing was weird, and it turns out some people aren’t comfortable with the candy” it’s clear it’s not because of cheaping out.

        And I think if Jane is this much of a pill about candy, it’s not likely her co-workers have found her to be an angel in every other respect.

        2. Not So NewReader*

          Right on. I wondered what else this cohort is doing.

          OP, is this the first time you have bumped heads with this person or is this part of a larger story? If it is part of a larger story, then focus on solid issues that can be addressed such as substandard work or missed deadlines. Many times OPs will say, “I really like this person, I am so upset that we argued. We work well together. [etc]” I don’t see any hint of this in your letter.

          It’s not lost on me that YOU wrote in and she did NOT. You are looking for that peaceful co-existence (big picture focus) and she is looking in your desk drawer (me-me-me focus). IF (big IF because this may not apply) this is part of a larger pattern and she is impacting your work then that is the focus point to use.

    4. LiveAndLetDie*

      Honestly I agree. OP has every right to throw in the towel on the candy dish altogether now that Jane has made it such a pain in the rear. If Jane’s going to keep touching OP’s stuff and even throwing the candy in the garbage (?!) rather than accepting that it’s not her right to go messing with things on OP’s desk no matter how much she dislikes them being there, I think OP no longer having a shared bowl is a reasonable way to solve the problem.

      I also think it’s totally fair of OP to be honest if asked about it and say that Jane caused a headache and a half about it so she gave it up altogether. Insisting that OP just take it on the chin to save Jane’s feelings is a bridge too far. I think in an office where folks are social enough that OP has a well-liked candy drawer, it’s highly likely everyone already knows Jane’s being an asshole about it.

  10. female peter gibbons*

    I see that there is an article linked “the psychology of the candy dish”. I guess I have to read it. I’ll never understand why the workplace MUST be associated with sweets. I think it’s awful, personally. It’s always sugar, sweets, baked goods, unhealthy things. It’s never like, “Enjoy this bowl of carrots” or “I left out some kale for people to eat”. I’m not a vegetarian, I just think it’s weird that people think workplace should equal there should always be sugar nearby. Like can’t people go 9-5 without sweets? On Saturday and Sunday we do it all the time – I hope. I personally would never, ever, ever, ever let myself be around sweets, so I sympathize with the coworker. I wouldn’t have approached it like the coworker did, but I can’t help but empathize.

    It reminds me of that old Ellen standup bit where she said a movie is only two hours – why do people stock up on popcorn and hot dogs like they’re crossing the Sahara desert? It’s two hours. It’s weird that people have associated workplace = sweets and movie = popcorn. There’s no need to actually eat popcorn during a movie. LOL. (Not that I mind that people do it. That’s fine. I don’t, personally. I watched like 200 movies last year.)

      1. valentine*

        I’m going without privacy 9-5+commute and tolerating all manner of insult from the human noise on my frequency. Sugar sweetens the deal.

        2. Tiny Soprano*

          Yeah I’m on the opposite end of the scale from coworker in that I’m an underweight person with a stupidly fast metabolism. My old manager was weirdly thingy about ducking out to get a snack or bringing my own snacks to eat at the desk, so any and all sugary work snacks, birthday cakes, lolly cupboards, etc were crucial to me not having a blood sugar crash and literally falling asleep on the phone. It’s a case of YMMV.

    2. Temperance*

      Popcorn is delicious, though? It’s really not that deep.

      I also really don’t understand the entire point of your comment here other than to shame people for eating sugar. GASP PEOPLE SOMETIMES EAT CAKE ON THE WEEKENDS.

          1. Just Employed Here*

            I am a vegetarian, and I also love popcorn and candy! And kale! I’m confused now…

      2. female peter gibbons*

        The entire point of my comment is the questioning and amusement of how the workplace became associated with sweets. I thought i made that really clear.

        1. female peter gibbons*

          no intent to shame whatsoever. if i say i didn’t intend to, i hope that people will be kind enough to believe it.

          1. Courageous cat*

            Yeah but intent =/= actually having something. Intent isn’t even half the battle. If you say something racist (obviously not comparable situation but the structuring is similar) but didn’t intend to, does it really make that much of a difference? You still said something racist and it was still fucked up, right?

            My point being is that I’m sick of the “didn’t intend to” argument as a way to completely negate personal responsibility. Ok I’m done.

        2. Sled dog mama*

          In the case of my work place itis associated with sugar because our clients bring in sweets like no one in the history of the world has ever thought of it.
          Tip for anyone who wants to thank a doctors office: those cookies will last weeks and go stale (especially at the holidays) but some fruit might last half an hour and will be GONE!

        3. Seacalliope*

          The thing is, it’s not associated with candy. You are starting from a premise that people have some preconception that needs to be dismantled for them to be happier and healthier. But work doesn’t equal candy. These people, as adults, chose to have it in their workplace and they don’t need saving from their “bad” habits.

    4. JKP*

      I think it’s similar to why coffee is always associated with work. It’s a way to self-medicate your energy levels. I don’t like coffee or pop or anything that has caffeine it in, so a little sugar rush is how I get an energy boost the same as someone would pour themselves a cup of coffee.

      Also, at work it’s easier to have just a little sugar and get that fix, to bring in cookies and just have one and share the rest, whereas at home you end up eating all the cookies because no one else is finishing them off.

      1. female peter gibbons*

        That’s a thoughtful response and well appreciated. I certainly need caffeine in the morning. I’ve tested it, tried going without coffee and couldn’t bear it. I have it black, before Temperance comes here and says something to me. LOL

    5. Nobby Nobbs*

      I just typed and deleted three nasty responses to this comment, so I’m going to ask whether someone smarter and less emotional about food than me can explain why it’s so upsetting. Because this food-shaming attitude is really upsetting.

      1. Temperance*

        I’m neither, but this comment made me pretty angry, so you aren’t alone. Monitoring what other adults eat and their habits is a jerky thing to do when it has literally no impact on your life. You aren’t better than anyone else because you snack on kale or whatever, and it’s fine if other adults aren’t health nuts.

        I feel like buying an eating an entire box of Peanut Butter Sandwiches on (gasp) Saturday and Sunday just because of this comment.

        1. Parenthetically*

          I feel that feel. Someone telling me SUGAR IS BAD makes me want to eat handfuls of Skittles and chug a coke while making super awkward, intense eye contact with them.

          I like kale. I like broccoli. I like cake. I like chips. I like kombucha. I like Coke. None of those preferences is moral in any way.

            1. female peter gibbons*

              I think that you are confusing me saying sugar is bad for me = sugar is bad for anyone else…….

              1. IndoorCat*

                You literally wrote, “I just think it’s weird that people think workplace should equal there should always be sugar nearby.” And, ” I think it’s awful, personally. It’s always sugar, sweets, baked goods, unhealthy things.”

                So, all the judgement words you used (“weird,” “awful,” “unhealthy”) are really ignorant and insulting. It’d be different if you said, “I prefer if there wasn’t sugar nearby” or “baked good are unhealthy for people trying to lose weight.” But you just made sweeping judgements of a whole swath of people just based on your own personal preference. So, right, people are going to push back on that.

                1. I don’t know why you think it’s weird. I think it’s normal. Work can sometimes be unpleasant; dessert makes people happy, and it tastes good, so why not? There are few things in the world that make someone’s day more pleasant that are also easy to do. Food is one of them.

                2. Awful? Really? Violence is awful. Disrespecting or demeaning people is awful. This is…a small happy-making thing that just happens to not make you, personally, happy.

                3. Everyone’s health needs are different. I personally need to consume a lot of calories per day (around 3000) to maintain a normal weight, due to a health condition (damage to my small intestine). Other people need to eat a small snack every hour or so for blood sugar reasons. Some people have celiac disease and can’t eat gluten at all, which means they can wind up on an a low-carb diet unintentionally, and they need to make up the short-term energy loss with sugar.

                I don’t mean to harp on you too intensely. I just think it’s important to unpack things to put more understanding in the world. I know I have said things out of ignorance before; it happens to everyone. So, hopefully in the future, we can all speak from a place of understanding, and try not to pass on ignorance by accident.

      3. LCL*

        I don’t see it as food shaming. FPG includes that they would never let themselves be around sweets and sympathized with the coworker. My only objection to the post is it sounds exactly like something my mother would say, but that’s my problem. Some people are just that way about food-work/leisure is for work/leisure and home is for eating, and stopping whatever you are doing whether fun or work to eat is weird and unnecessary. That’s not my attitude, but I never considered it shaming when my mother said it.

            1. Temperance*

              What would you call the remark about how you “hope” people don’t eat sugar on weekends, then?

              1. female peter gibbons*

                I just hope that humans have the capacity to go 8 hours without eating candy, and I’m wondering if most have tested that capacity, instead of mindlessly eating stuff at work, simply because it’s there and it’s offered. I find the tradition weird enough to question. We don’t NEED sweets at work, we don’t NEED popcorn at the movies, we don’t NEED dessert after dinner, they’re just common traditions.

                1. Colette*

                  People don’t need to watch movies, or TV, and some have never tested their capacity to go without. People don’t need to drive, or smoke, or drink.

                2. Jules the 3rd*

                  Sorry, fpg, I was kinda sympathetic because I understand the urge to anthropologically view our environment, but the emotional descriptors you attached to food here made me go, ‘nope, that’s food shaming.’ If it helps you understand the reaction, here’s the specific things that hit me:

                  “hope” humans can go 8 hrs without eating candy
                  “mindlessly”

                  If you’re just exploring the tradition, you might use phrases more like ‘I’ve seen people go 8 hrs without candy’ and ‘regularly’ or ‘enthusiastically’ instead of ‘mindlessly’.

                3. Parenthetically*

                  Great Aunt Mildred announcing to whoever is listening, “Oh, I hope adults can get through this whole family gathering without drinking! I think it’s awful to be surrounded by beer all the time. Can’t adults just go without?” isn’t saying she thinks beer is ok for others but not for her, she’s saying there’s something bad or wrong or icky or unpleasant or un-self-controlled or your-preferred-negative-descriptor-here about beer and she sees it as a sign of maturity not to.

                  You are doing the same.

                4. female peter gibbons*

                  I’ve definitely questioned my need to drive! So much so that i do not own a car. I mean that’s why there’s walking and public transportation in general. Just because some things aren’t questioned often doesn’t mean we never question anything. Personal opinion. And I’ve never smoked so surely, there are people who question it out there.

                5. Kms1025*

                  We just WANT those things…and that’s perfectly ok. Just like you apparently do NOT want them…that’s ok too. Just NOT OK to tell someone else what they should want.

      4. MP*

        Hi Nobby Nobbs, I’ll give it a shot. Imagine that a significant amount of your value to society is tied up in how thin you are (what social groups you can be in, what mates you can attract, even what jobs you can get), and now imagine that millions of years of evolution has structured your body to survive in famine situations, and then on top of that all, throw in a food industry and culture that tries to maximize your calories, and well . . . So you don’t need to jump on her for making a simple request to start disassociating food and random non-food events like work and movies. She’s not food shaming, she is just bringing up a valid point. I think our newly sedentary culture needs to reimagine certain food traditions for our current situation.

        1. No food police*

          Oh piss off. Id rather be happy and eat skittles now and then instead of miserable, surviving off only spinach.

      1. Just Employed Here*

        I had the same reaction as you… But! An awful lot of the nicest kinds of candy have gelatine in them. That’s where I draw the line, personally: I eat it without reading the fine print, although I never eat actual meat. So sue me! :-p

        1. female peter gibbons*

          Sigh. I was just clarifying that I’m not one, because my two suggestions of healthy food happened to be vegetables. Not stating that they do or do not like candy. THat is it.

          1. Just Employed Here*

            But omnivores eat vegetables, too. (Although I did know one who only ate tomatoes, and only because they reminded him of ketchup.)

          2. Free Meerkats*

            Since you seem to be in an anthropological mindset, conduct an experiment. Set out a bowl of candy next to a bowl of kale and carrots and a bowl of assorted fruit. Monitor which gets eaten from most.

            I’m looking forward to the paper.

            These two sentences made your entire post food shaming, “I think it’s awful, personally. It’s always sugar, sweets, baked goods, unhealthy things.”

            1. female peter gibbons*

              I think a lot of things about the workplace are unhealthy. Another one is the idea that people should sit at a computer for 7-10 hours. Lack of breaks is another. Lack of physical mobility. Lack of fresh air. So, it’s funny that baked goods, desserts, and sugar are often piled onto that.

              1. Not So NewReader*

                I worked one place where we were not allowed to have water. You had to get a doctor’s note for…. water. And these things here cover the physical aspects of a job, we haven’t even started on the psychological aspects.

    7. CaliCali*

      It’s because they’re cheap, non-perishable, conveniently sized for snacking, and often individually wrapped so you can grab them from a bowl. I don’t think this is some sort of Pavlovian workplace conditioning; people just like snacks, and those are the easiest sorts of snacks to buy and keep at an office.

      1. Former Retail Manager*

        YES! This precisely. For meetings I have brought in large fruit trays, which were well received, as well as veggie trays, which went largely uneaten. I’ve even tried small individual bags of pretzels and trail mix, which I know aren’t the best for you, but aren’t as bad as some snacks. The overwhelming response was “where’s the freakin’ sugar?” The fact is that most items that are healthy for you, are not in convenient packaging and don’t stay good for very long.

      2. fposte*

        It’s also that high fat and high carb consumption are much more satisfying–we’re evolutionarily optimized to like that shizz.

      3. Jules the 3rd*

        My employer just put into place a ‘free snack variety bar’. It’s got salted nuts in a tall dispenser, peanut mnms (ditto), 3 kinds of chips, apples and bananas (in small baskets). The bananas (mostly) get eaten but any not eaten have to be tossed every three days; the apples are being eaten less. The mnms go *fast*, the nuts less so.

        The dispensers look… not cheap – I’d guess they spent $100 or so on the set up, not including ongoing costs. Individually wrapped non-perishables in a bowl is way easier, especially if it’s being done by an individual like OP, not the company.

        Whatever the source / structure, the 3pm snack break helps my mental focus a lot.

        1. Tiny Soprano*

          Plus fresh fruit can be expensive and offices are notorious for cheapskatery. I tried to see if we could get the fruit bowls re-filled more often at work because people LOVED them and would ambush the fruit delivery man to secure the coveted mandarins before they even got to the bowls. But my manager noped it because it was ‘too expensive.’ Seriously. Everyone in that office would’ve been super happy to get more fruit. But one cheapskate is all it takes…

      4. SarahTheEntwife*

        And even baked goods, while perishable, usually hold up better than produce. I love fresh fruit, but chances are a work-provided fruit bowl would be full of red delicious apples and sad crunchy oranges.

    8. Ashley*

      Parts of my desk job can be so mind-numbingly boring and knowing that I can go to my coworker’s desk and pick up a little treat can make a not so fun situation just a little bit more tolerable. I think as long as there’s isn’t a parade of cakes and cookies coming through the office every day, there’s nothing wrong with having a little treat to make the day a bit better.

    9. Alfonzo Mango*

      I love candy. It’s delicious. Life is short, work is awful, I will continue to enjoy this cherry Valentine’s tootsie pop I brought in for the team.

    10. Sarah N*

      Dude, if you don’t want it, don’t eat it! And yes, I do eat sweets on the weekend too, sorry/not sorry.

      1. Dankar*

        I think I eat MORE sweets on the weekend! Sunday is for baking and no one can convince me otherwise.

    11. Alfonzo Mango*

      Consider the fact that humans are mammals that enjoy sweet foods and eating together is a communal way to build positive relationships. Both evolutionary traits that have helped us reach this point today.

        1. probably not great advice for most*

          Very true, but our body responds to fruit and vegetables differently than processed white sugar.

        2. Just Employed Here*

          Well… then it really has to be lots of tons of carrots, to be honest. Carrots don’t have a lot of sugar in them compared to M&M’s. And it takes a lot longer and more chewing to wolf down x amount of sugar in the form of carrots than in the form of candy…

              1. Parenthetically*

                I reject that categorization too, because it moralizes food. Food is food. Eat what you like and what makes you feel good (and that is available to you and that you can afford and prepare).

                Guilt, shame, fear, and ostracism are unhealthy too.

                1. kittymommy*

                  This like a million times. I don’t want to get too much into this thread, but I had to pop in and thank you for this comment.

        3. ElspethGC*

          I mean, I know someone who had to have a full root canal situation because of eating too many grapes. Yeah, they have a *lot* of sugar.

          1. Just Employed Here*

            Grapes are not carrots… There’s a pretty big difference nutritionally. Which I’m sure you know already, but which is also why it’s not a good argument for the claim “carrots contain tons of sugar”.

    12. Parenthetically*

      “I personally would never, ever, ever, ever let myself be around sweets” wow, how do you go to the grocery store, there’s like a whole aisle of just sugar *eyeroll*

      Food is food, and orthorexia is just as disordered as anorexia and bulimia. Eat what you want and what makes you feel good. I had spinach, chickpeas, spiced chicken, and an Almond Joy for lunch. I don’t put any of those things into moral categories because food does not have a moral component to it.

        1. Parenthetically*

          Ha! :D

          I actually agree that there IS a moral component to how food is grown/raised/sourced but a) not everyone is able to consider that in how they choose food, and b) the food itself is just food.

    13. Hey Karma, Over here.*

      I read the article. The results show that more people take more candy more often when the desk owner is away. When the person is there, the candy taker feels a need to say hi, or thanks, or some empty version of “I shouldn’t be doing this/I’m so bad, hee hee.” And people typically won’t go into a private office for it, much less open a candy drawer.

    14. your favorite person*

      I have a huge sweet tooth. It’s my guilty pleasure. I don’t drink much, but I understand why people do, and often at social events. You asking this very patronizing question would be like me saying, “I don’t see why everyone has to drink at a superbowl party. Why can’t you just drink water?!”

    15. Delphine*

      People…like to eat food. There’s nothing mysterious about it. Lots of people *will* munch on carrots or apples or oranges. My office has a fruit basket. We also have donuts and bagels and whatever other treats people decide to bring in. We have a cabinet full of granola.

      The workplace isn’t associated with sweets anywhere but in your own head. It’s associated with the availability of food to help you keep your energy up while you spend the majority of your day there.

    16. Crivens!*

      There is nothing wrong with people eating and enjoying candy. I urge you to reconsider thinking of food as having some sort of moral value, because that makes you part of the problem here.

    17. RebeccaNoraBunch*

      First of all, this comment feels very shame-y to people who may on occasion enjoy sugar. Not cool.

      However, to talk about why: I’m a sales trainer at a tech company, which means I have people in a gray-walled windowless classroom for 8 hours a day for 2-3 weeks at a time learning about complex technology and sales techniques. When I first became a trainer, a more experienced sales trainer told me to bring in two things: something to keep their hands busy (Play-Dough, fidget spinners, slinkies, etc) and sugar.

      I’ve been at my company for a year now. Every new class (every 3 weeks) I go to Target and by bags of candy and have a huge bowl of it in the training room. Very often, I ask the trainees for input and I get what they like/ask for. Every single time, they are delighted and the little sugar rush helps them get through the day. It’s often a bonding experience with the class telling me what they want and enjoying each others’ candy preferences. Also, former students know I have candy and they pop in for some, say hi to the newbies, and give them some advice now that they’ve “graduated” and are on the sales floor. Every single class, people profusely thank me for getting candy and say it really helps keep them engaged.

      Meanwhile, I personally am trying to eat healthier and often bring in snacks like raw veggies, sliced apples, berries, etc. I don’t believe in eating in front of other people without offering, so in the afternoons I sometimes will munch on my healthy snacks and offer them to others. Only about 3 times has anyone ever taken me up on a cucumber slice over a Reese’s miniature. They won’t be in training forever, and our company allows them to work out at lunch. I don’t get the sanctimony over a little bit of sugar. It’s really helped everyone I’ve ever brought through training. (And every once in awhile I have 1-2 pieces of candy too!)

    18. probably not great advice for most*

      On this… “I just think it’s weird that people think workplace should equal there should always be sugar nearby.”

      Yup. Perhaps I’ve been too influenced by Gary Taubes The Case Against Sugar. It’s like keeping a jar of free cigarettes on your desk. Workplaces should not shame anyone for their eating habits or even make eating habits a topic of discussion, but would it be so bad if the new norm was not putting substances on offer that are known to cause health serious problems?

      I like the idea of an opaque box as a compromise for this situation but to frame this more broadly we as a society have to question our ceaseless celebration of an inflammation agent that is known to cause and accelerate many diseases.

      1. Crivens!*

        Except sugar is fine in moderation and cigarettes are not. This is orthorexia. Sugar is not poison.

        2. probably not great advice for most*

          Sugar is fine in moderation is actually a subject of some scientific debate right now.

          And how do we become moderate when sugar is everywhere? It’s present in surprising quantities in many foods that we don’t even think of as sweet (ketchup, BBQ sauce, mayo, chips, crackers, salad dressing, spiced nuts).

          One take on this topic that I have read (in articles and books written by scientists and journalists who research science) is that large food companies have long added more sugar than necessary to all sorts of snack foods because they understand its addictive properties and want the consumer to be addicted (you can see why I made the tobacco analogy). We get trapped by our cravings and when we need to cut back due to a health problem, we find it very difficult to do so.

          I blame neoliberalism.

          1. fposte*

            I can’t tell if that last sentence is satire or not. If it’s a very dry sense of humor, try soaking it in a little sugar syrup :-).

            Sugar is added to stuff because it’s legal and it makes it sell better. I’m old enough to remember when the same was true of oat bran. Making people want more is marketing’s raison d’etre. Yes, our physiologies respond differently to different foods, but wanting more ≠ addiction.

          2. Parenthetically*

            Sugar is “addictive” in the same way that pleasure of all kinds — hanging out with friends, sex, a baby’s laughter — is “addictive.” All those things light up our pleasure centers (like cocaine and heroin) because of course they do. The recent Westwater/Fletcher/Ziauddeen survey of research and literature on the subject concludes that there’s no reason to believe sugar is uniquely addictive, any more than playing with your dog or hugging your kid are addictive. The research that shows sugar has addictive properties is done on stressed-out lab rats with limited access to sugar — of course they’re going to binge on quick-acting, tasty energy sources.

            Sugar “addiction” IS like smoking, though, in that some people seem to “get addicted to” (or rather, have compulsive behaviors around) the actions of eating, and it’s addressed like other behavioral compulsions.

            1. probably not great advice for most*

              “Sugar “addiction” IS like smoking, though, in that some people seem to “get addicted to” (or rather, have compulsive behaviors around) the actions of eating, and it’s addressed like other behavioral compulsions.”

              That’s exactly what I was getting at. If the behavior is repetitive and unwanted and a great deal of stress is expended on making moves to terminate the unwanted behavior without much movement forward, you could say it’s addictive.

              I am not someone who can quote research on this, but your gut microflora rearranges itself over time if you eat a sugary, high carb diet. This can create a feeling of physical dependence. People report headaches, irritability, and all sorts of physical symptoms when they terminate sugar from their diets (not so with the kid hugging), so that can be considered another dimension.

              1. CynicallySweet*

                I haven’t commented on this much but I’m gonna here. People have negative side effects when chemicals – ex dopamine and oxytocin – that are normally provided get deprived. Meaning if you hug your kid every day and then one day don’t you will have the same negative side effects. The brain doesn’t differentiate the sources, it just wants its fix.

                While I do find the language and time of the og comment problematic I don’t think it was coming from a mean spirited place, which I think is more important than some commenters are giving credit for… I am learning a lot tho. Shout out to Paranthetically for that!

          3. The PhD Is Purely Decorative*

            “Sugar is fine in moderation is actually a subject of some scientific debate right now.”

            No. No, it’s not a subject of scientific debate. At least, respected biomedical scientists don’t debate this. A few crackpots do, but they just want to sell books and Solve The World’s Problems With One Answer.

        1. probably not great advice for most*

          Haha. I think nutritional science is extremely complicated and therefore it’s hard to definitively *know* anything, but I’m glad that his ideas are out there for us to consider.

    19. Gumby*

      Ignoring the fact that fruit and vegetables and full on salads *do* show up in our work kitchen, part of the reason is that when you make food at home and bring it to work part of what you are sharing is your effort. Throwing a handful of baby carrots into a bowl is not making something in any reasonable sense. It also is not providing a treat – something special that people might not otherwise get for themselves. And… those salads in our kitchen last at most a few hours before being wilted and gross whereas individually wrapped candy lasts significantly longer.

      Some live performance venues near me have started allowing drinks into the theater which I just do not get. I can definitely live through 3 hours of ballet w/o drinking wine from a sippy cup. I guess I can see the flip-side, but as someone who had half a bag of popcorn poured down my back at the last sporting event I attended, I would prefer to skip the beverages inside the seating area of the opera house.

      1. Temperance*

        So for me, I like and enjoy wine, so getting to like and enjoy wine while doing something else I enjoy (the ballet) is part of it. Do I need wine? Of course not. Do I like and enjoy it? Yes, so I’m going to drink it.

      2. Vermonter*

        It’s an accessibility issue. Some people can go three hours without a drink, some can’t. This way, someone who needs to stay hydrated, keep electrolytes balanced, etc. can enjoy it instead of getting up, bothering everyone, and missing part of the show.

        1. Gumby*

          Water bottles with lids have always been allowed. I dare say if you absolutely needed a sports drink to balance electrolytes and could not take care of it during intermission, an accommodation would have been made requiring only a short conversation with patron services.

          Since the new policy applies only to drinks purchased at the concession stand (mostly coffee and wine) it is pretty blatantly coming from a profit motive. Which, again, is up to the venue. But it was in no way, in the 2 venues at which I usher, an accessibility issue.

      3. Database Developer Dude*

        Uh, if someone at my job threw some baby carrots into a bowl and brought them in to share, I would most DEFINITELY consider it a treat, even if I could do it for myself….

      1. female peter gibbons*

        thanks for the one of the very few positive replies! I have no idea how people took this so wrong and like i have some crazy evil malicious intent. I actually LOVE sugar, sweets, and incidentally i’m a big drinker too! I never meant to judge anyone or shame anyone geez. I just don’t allow myself to be around sweets personally so it’s weird that the place that I go to 9-5 everyday always has baked goods , desserts, sweets, and treats nearby.

        Somehow this turned into I’m some kind of fascist because I don’t get it?

        1. Rocky*

          You literally wrote “I’ll never understand why the workplace MUST be associated with sweets. I think it’s awful, personally.” You think it’s awful, personally. That’s the judging, right there in black and white.

      1. probably not great advice for most*

        Nope. I do not enjoy a bowl of carrots all that much, but I enjoy knowing that the joint inflammation issues that I was experiencing have lessened since I gave up sugar. I can also say that palates recalibrate when you commit to excluding certain foods for health reasons so it’s not so bad. I jog with my dog pain-free and his smile (he really does smile) is reward enough for me.

        I’m also genuinely excited to see where nutritional research is going next. If I can increase the chance that I will be a sharp as a tack 80 year-old by eating carefully, I’m going to give it a shot.

        I promise, though, I also support not discussing food at work so that NO ONE feels shamed or judged. It works both ways. Healthy eaters are often framed as “no fun,” “judgmental,” “rigid,” and “anti-celebration.” I have a chronic illness that I never discuss at work. I feel 100x better if I manage my diet so having someone roll their eyes/comment on my “boring” salad and smoothie is tiresome.

        1. Parenthetically*

          I don’t judge anyone for anything they eat, because my food choices are my own and no one else’s, and vice versa. I DO judge people for framing what they eat as “healthy/unhealthy” vs. “this is what I’ve found works best for my body/other foods work less well for my body (with a side note of recognizing that being able to find, purchase, prepare, and eat whole, unprocessed foods is a product of lots of kinds of privilege)”

          1. probably not great advice for most*

            “I DO judge people for framing what they eat as ‘healthy/unhealthy’ vs. “this is what I’ve found works best for my body/other foods work less well for my body”

            That’s a really good point and important framing.

            I honestly loathe discussing food choices at work so I have never had this conversation aloud with coworkers, thank goodness. When speaking to someone in person, I would never want to set up a healthy/unhealthy paradigm based around what works for me. But I don’t think it’s entirely relative either. For most, organic spinach is healthier than a Snickers bar because of vitamin content, how it interacts with our intestinal flora and so on…

            “…with a side note of recognizing that being able to find, purchase, prepare, and eat whole, unprocessed foods is a product of lots of kinds of privilege”

            Agree so strongly with this point. But that gets back to my ask that workplaces make the commitment to put out less processed, slightly more expensive foods for snacking like fruits and veggies.

            1. Parenthetically*

              There are SO MANY factors that go into why I might choose a Snickers over a bowl of organic spinach, and hundreds of other factors that go into why other people might choose the Snickers too — in which that Snickers might be a healthier choice than the spinach (salicylate or histamine intolerances, kidney stones, spinach makes them vomit but the Snickers stays down and they’re on chemo or pregnant, etc.), and that’s not even mentioning the fact that we need calories to survive and living on the cusp of poverty is exhausting and sometimes you just really DO need the snickers because you lack the mental energy to try to find the “best” option at the convenience store. So many factors, in fact, that I think classing foods in that way goes beyond useless and into harmful.

              1. probably not great advice for most*

                I absolutely understand that it’s all relative and that daily choices are driven by many factors including how much $ we have in our pockets on a given day/our energy level/what is available in our neighborhoods/what works for our bodies. We don’t need to interrogate people on individual choices.

                But I’ll still argue that we should collectively lobby for better grocery stores and veggie markets in low-income areas (which means we have to categorize/prioritize what’s needed somewhat). My vote would be for increasing the availability and affordability of produce.

                1. Parenthetically*

                  And I would disagree with none of that. I think all the energy that people pour into heaping scorn on people for their food choices would be far better used in lobbying for food access.

        2. processed sugar blues*

          I am with you on sugar. I also have a chronic illness that I am able to manage by following a few food guidelines that, to me, are well worth the effort.

          One extra bonus I observed, as a menopausal woman, is the direct correlation between processed sugar consumption and hot flashes. Significant reduction of hot flashes and the ability to sleep through the night are well worth removing most processed sugar from my diet. When I choose to indulge, it’s planned and I know to expect a poor night’s sleep and a few days of frequent and intense hot flashes. But it’s my choice.

        1. Tiny Soprano*

          Personally if someone offered me a bowl of fresh home-grown carrots at work I would probably cry with joy. They’re pretty g-dang good. And fresh peas! So nice! And Tim Tams! Maybe I just like food in general though…..

      3. The Gollux (Not a Mere Device)*

        Carrots, not especially–but I’d have been one of the three people who chose a cucumber slice over a Reese’s miniature. That’s not virtue, that’s actual preference; I like some candy, and I like some vegetables (roast sweet potatoes are inconvenient for snacking at work, though).

        But my preference for cucumber or cherry tomatoes over either raw carrots or some candy shouldn’t determine what other people eat.

      4. SarahTheEntwife*

        I love carrots! But I also love my coworkers and they don’t want to hear me eating carrots at my desk all day ;-)

        1. probably not great advice for most*

          That’s an Ask a Manager letter I would like to read (my coworker’s carrot munching is too loud!)

    22. Koala dreams*

      The movie thing is easy – cinemas get a lot of money by selling snacks. Sure, people can do without, I went to a movie showing with no snack bar just the other day, and it went fine (only a few people brought in snacks from outside). It’s easier for the cinema to stock candy compared to fruits and vegetables, which would need more food prep and more work from the employees.

      The workplace thing I don’t know, in my experience workplace snacks can be sweet, salty or fruit/vegetables. I’m not sure the sweet snacks are more popular than the other snacks. In my experience fruit is quite popular.

      1. female peter gibbons*

        Yes, theatres make the majority of their money on concessions. I was a movie theatre manager for 3 years. I am not a huge popcorn fan, but obviously, I’ve seen enough in my life to understand that others are.

    23. Kelly L.*

      When people get large amounts of food at the movie theater, that’s usually dinner. Movies are often closer to 3 hours long these days, and you sometimes don’t want to eat before the movie because what if service is slow and you miss the beginning of the movie, but you also don’t want to eat dinner at 10:30pm, so you eat at the movies.

    24. Tin Cormorant*

      Candy lasts pretty much indefinitely as long as it’s wrapped, so you can easily buy a bag and leave it in a little bowl on your desk. Fresh vegetables have a very limited shelf life, especially after being prepared in a way that makes them tasty to snack on, so if you’re just kinda… leaving them out there at room temperature for people to take, they’re going to get gross pretty quick and lead to lots of food waste. I’m not sure why this comparison is even a thing.

      The second issue is size. It’s hard for me to think of a non-candy shelf-stable snack that comes in similarly small packaging that it would work well in a small bowl that would take up minimum desk space. Maybe those little oranges you can buy in bags? That’s about the biggest I would put in a bowl like that. If it were my desk, I’d probably have a bowl of individually-wrapped teabags of a bunch of different flavors, but that’s just because I drink so much tea! It’s not really a snack though.

    25. EventPlannerGal*

      At my workplace, whenever we have visitors in for more than an hour or two we put out a bowl of mixed fruit (red and green apples, oranges, bananas) and a plate of cookies for them. Both get consumed pretty quickly, and we often have to tell the staff to stop eating all the fruit before the visitors get anything. So if both are available, my anecdata is that people will happily eat either fruit/veggies or candy.

      However, this works because there is a person whose job duties include ordering the snacks, keeping track of what’s in date, filling up the bowls and so on, which is something you obviously have to do with much greater regularity with perishable things like fruit. The cookies are ordered 20 packs at a time and will keep for months if unopened. So in terms of what things are easiest to provide for an office, most people will go with the candy because it’s just easier. It’s not really a mystery or a terrible addiction to sugar.

    26. Grace*

      Yep, that’s really unhealthy, especially now that we know just how bad sugar is for you, it does more than make you fat. Before Christmas, my office was full of junk food and high calorie food and some of it just appeared without any notice. It was terrible. Thankfully, several people jokingly complained to the boss that there’s too much unhealthy food and now it’s all gone. Life is so much better now, I can enjoy my fruit snacks and there’s no chocolate or popcorn temptation. My weight loss efforts are finally working.

      1. Sugar Sugar*

        I am so sorry for you. Your life experiences have done you a grave disservice in teaching you these appaling, unhealthy, outdated foolish messages about weight, health and diet. It must be so unpleasant and unhappy to try to live like that. You deserved better.

        You need to stop inflicting this crap on others though. You are becoming part of the problem!

    28. Jadelyn*

      It’s a self-soothing mechanism, I think. Most people would rather be at home than at work. Having treats available makes being somewhere you don’t want to be more palatable. Plus humans are genuinely not meant to focus their energy and attention on one thing for 8 hours at a stretch, and resort to artificial boosts to energy and focus like sugar.

      1. smoke tree*

        I believe that in Britain, factory workers used to be provided tea and sugar because it was a cheap way to give them enough energy that they could work long hours without passing out from exhaustion. I remember discussing this in an ecology class years ago but I can’t remember the source. I think the reason contemporary office workers drink a lot of coffee and eat a lot of sweets are probably similar, although now self-administered.

    30. ARCH*

      “I personally would never, ever, ever, ever let myself be around sweets, so I sympathize with the coworker.”

      I’m confused about this statement. Unless you never leave your home, you cannot control whether you are around sweets or not, because you are not entitled to control other people’s behavior.

      the idea that someone can choose to “never, ever, ever, ever let myself be around sweets” is exactly what makes the coworker’s behavior problematic. Its just entirely unreasonable.

    31. biobotb*

      It’s funny how worked up you are at the thought of people doing two enjoyable things at once (popcorn + movie). Why is it somehow morally superior to only do one enjoyable thing at a time?

      1. female peter gibbons*

        I didn’t even act the tiniest bit worked up, and I never once mentioned issues of morality.

        My exact words were: “There’s no need to actually eat popcorn during a movie. LOL. (Not that I mind that people do it. That’s fine. I don’t, personally.)”

        That sounds worked up to you?

    32. aebhel*

      People like snacks? I don’t know, this seems like a weirdly catastrophic approach. The fact that there are brownies in the break-room doesn’t obligate me to eat them, but it is nice when I forget to bring lunch.

    33. Sue*

      I think it’s boredom a lot. I eat things at work that I would never even think to buy for myself. I don’t even like donuts that much, but I’ll eat them at work sometimes.

  11. Anne Bonny*

    Ask her if there’s a candy she doesn’t like. Stock that for a couple of weeks. Hopefully, the temptation will be lower if she hates the offering.

    1. Sloan Kittering*

      That’s a really good thought! Maybe you can ask, as a peace offering, if there’s something you can keep that won’t be tempting. Nuts worked, right? (When my roommate couldn’t keep herself from snacking on my food, I made the switch to all licorice and grapefruit snacks for a while, and it worked like a charm :)

    2. Cordelia Vorkosigan*

      This is a great point. I was also wondering if maybe this co-worker just really loves Hersey’s Kisses or something. Because the candy dish doesn’t sound like it’s a new addition — it’s something OP has been doing all along. So why is the co-worker only just getting worked up about it now?

      I keep a candy dish on my desk, too, and I try to keep it stocked with candy I don’t particularly like, because if my favorites are in there, I will eat candy all. Day. Long. But if it’s candy I don’t like, I just ignore it and forget it’s there half the time.

      1. Tin Cormorant*

        I like using a candy dish to get rid of all the stuff from variety packs that I don’t like. I sort out all the ones I really like and put them on a high shelf in my pantry in case of cravings, then put all the rest of the stuff I don’t really care about in the dish for other people.

    3. league.*

      This, THIS is a terrific idea. Remove the temptation for just the person who’s complaining about it. Lovely compromise.

    4. CoveredInBees*

      That was my thought as well. Although I don’t have much of a sweet tooth to begin with, you would have to pay me to eat candies with whole peanuts in them. Peanut M&Ms, snickers, paydays, etc do nothing for me and I wonder if she has things she can more easily skip by.

    5. Colette*

      Back in the day when I had a candy dish, I exclusively stocked hard candies because they are enjoyable, but they take time – you’re not going to eat 10 of them. Something like that might also work.

    6. JM*

      That reminds me of something I did to stop myself from snacking – in college I majored in Elementary Education, and after graduating I worked as a substitute teacher for a while (I’m now in a different field). As part of my “kit” of supplies/activities/time-fillers that I used as a sub, I had a bag of candy that could be used for rewards or as part of a game. I generally try to eat healthy, but have a hard time resisting candy that’s right in front of me. So, I used only tootsie rolls and other chewy candy, which I couldn’t eat because I had braces at the time. It worked great!

    7. myswtghst*

      Oh, I like this idea. It allows OP to acknowledge the issue (and maybe even ask Jane to please not meddle with things on her desk/go into her desk drawers) but also to offer a compromise.

    8. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Ha, yes. Fill a bowl with Skittles and Starburst and I will avoid it. Fill it with chocolate or Werther’s Originals and I will be in your face every day. (OK, not every day. I play “I will not be tempted” games with myself.)

    9. CynicallySweet*

      This! It’s actually something I do. I have a candy dish at my desk (it was a way to get people to come over and talk to me when I was new), but I know I don’t have a ton of self control, so I purposely stock it with candy I’m not a big fan of!

  12. KHB*

    This is a theme I see come up in letters here all the time: how expressing yourself in a flawed way can detract from a perfectly valid point. For example, someone writes in saying that their coworker is trying to push them to do something differently, but they’re doing it in an obnoxious or annoying way, so the question becomes all about “Why does my obnoxious/annoying coworker think she gets to tell me what to do?” when maybe it really should be “Do I actually need to be doing this thing differently?”

    Yes, OP, you’re right that you coworker should not have moved things on your desk. But now that she’s gotten her actual concern out in the open, it’s not really about that anymore. And now that you know her actual concern, the kind thing for you to do would be to find a different place to keep the candy bowl where it’s not in her line of sight all day – whether that’s a designated candy drawer in your desk, a corner of your desk that’s behind some file folders, someone else’s desk, the break room, or wherever.

    1. Snark*

      But it’s not a perfectly valid point. OP does not need to be involved in managing this person’s temptation to eat candy.

      I like french fries. Just crave the crap out of them. I have only to walk across the street and I can get them, hot and crispy, for less than a dollar. Nobody needs to hide the fries, or bar me from entering the cafeteria, or otherwise do anything to manage my currently very strong temptation to go get a clamshell full of them and go to town.

      1. KHB*

        Good for you. But OP’s coworker is not you, and her relationship to candy is not the same as your relationship to french fries.

        I guess I don’t see why you wouldn’t look for a solution that’s acceptable to all parties here, assuming that one exists.

        1. Snark*

          I think Coworker should definitely do so! But I don’t think it’s on OP to proactively come up with the compromise, because it’s not her temptation to manage.

          2. KHB*

            And if Coworker had been the one to write in, that would be good advice for her, but she wasn’t. “The solution to your problem is for other people to be different” is not really actionable advice.

            I don’t think OP is obligated to help Coworker manage her temptation, but I do, as I said, think it would be a kind thing to do, if can be done with minimal inconvenience to everyone else. And performing that kindness gives her all the more leverage to say, “OK, I’ve done this thing for you, and in exchange I need to ask you to agree to never, ever go poking around in my desk again.”

            1. Snark*

              That’s a fair point re: the leverage, but my point for OP is, she actually doesn’t need to feel obligated or expected to do anything but be open to a reasonable compromise here.

              1. ket*

                I think we all agree OP doesn’t need to, isn’t obligated to.

                The question is how she *wants* to behave. There is a range of choices, and it’s worth being able to consider them all without the rush of righteous anger that comes along with arguments and power struggles. That’s what AAM is for.

            2. Ellie*

              The thing is, poking around in someone’s desk without permission is a violation of boundaries and personal space. Not doing that should be the baseline for any normal adult, not something granted “in exchange” for something. It’s dangerous to allow cessation of inappropriate behaviour to be seen as a concession or something the person is able to grant you or negotiate with.

          3. MRM*

            I mean in an ideal everything is fair world, no. But in the world we live in we sometimes have to deal with things that aren’t our fault. Continuing to fight publicly with a coworker about something trivial doesn’t serve anyone and doesn’t look good. Saying “she started it” won’t make it look better. This isn’t a hill to die on, so OP needs to resolve it. Which is why she wrote in for advice. “You’re right she’s wrong” isn’t helpful advice. Why keep repeating it?

            1. Snark*

              Because that’s not what I’m saying. My advice is, be open to a reasonable compromise, but this is not your problem to solve or your compromise to come up with. That is actionable and reasonable. It’s not particularly proactive in making everything better for the coworker, but guess what? It doesn’t need to be.

        2. AnyoneAnywhere*

          I really agree with KHB. I don’t think that people get, sometimes, how complicated people’s relationship with food can be. Maybe the reason that she was so aggressive about it was because she is dealing with an eating disorder/ food addiction that is triggered by candy. I know people think those are conditions of “willpower,” but it seriously is more complicated than that. Try to be compassionate, too. It’s not like having a candy dish is a God-given right or a human rights violation if it is removed.

      2. Ampersand*

        But what if, instead of being across the street, the fries were right outside your office, and they were free for the taking, and you had to walk by them every time you went to the copy machine, or the bathroom, or to ask someone a question, and every time you passed by, there was an internal struggle you had to fight, and every time you lost that battle, you then felt a little bit bad about that? Yes, it’s still your battle to fight, of course, but it seems that the person with fries on their desk could feel a bit of compassion.

        1. Perse's Mom*

          I mean, unless my coworker has a deep fryer under their desk, I have no issues at all with resisting cold soggy fries.

        2. Tiny Soprano*

          And that job is called hospitality. Fries EVERYWHERE. Leftover arancini balls and crispy pork belly! Sliced raw radish that didn’t make it into the salad! (God I really was a hobbit in a previous life…)

      4. Annie*

        You liking french fries =/= a person with a potentially life threatening eating disorder.

        (I’m not saying Jane definitely does have an ED but all the comments suggesting that EDs are just a case of poor will power are really shockingly ableist. It’s an illness!!)

        1. Yorick*

          You have said all over that this is an eating disorder, and you need to understand that some people overeat without having an eating disorder. People without eating disorders might also feel entitled to do whatever they want with other people’s stuff.

        2. sourgold*

          It is an illness. I should know — I live with it. Every day of my life. It’s an enormous, awful burden and I struggle with it constantly.

          You know what I don’t do? Tell people they’re not allowed to have snacks in my line of sight. Or put moral values on specific foods — in fact the entire focus of my ongoing recovery is in dissociating food from notions of good or evil. Or try to force my disorder on anybody else.

          No one here is saying that EDs are a case of poor willpower; they’re saying that OP’s coworker has no right to project their own issues on everyone else. Could a compromise be reached? Sure! But there is nothing to indicate that Jane’s life is threatened by an ED, and I sure would appreciate it if you stopped using people like me to push whatever point you’re trying to make.

        3. Snark*

          You’re way off base assuming this is an eating disorder. That’s my point. We have no idea if this is an ED or if this is just like me with fries. It could be, it most likely is not. And it really doesn’t matter either way.

    2. Sloan Kittering*

      I agree, I think OP is a little fixated on the violation of someone opening one of her drawers and/or moving her property, and that’s distracting her here. While I agree that it’s not cool to do that, I think it also varies by office culture and personal feelings about private spaces at work, and it’s not worth creating a war to get an apology over. It sounds like there are some reasonable compromises available but this Privacy issue is holding OP back from seeing them.

      3. Jasnah*

        I agree. I know it varies by workplace, but in most of my offices, my boss/coworkers are allowed to go through my desk if they need something. My office at work is not truly private. If they went through my purse or my pockets, that would be different.

        For example, if OP left the candy/food in or on her desk and it rotted, and coworker threw it out, I think that would be an acceptable reason to touch her stuff.

        So while I agree that in this instance, the coworker crossed a line, to me this is the perfect opportunity to “what would Michelle Obama do” and “go high” even as others go low.

    3. INeedANap*

      I agree that the co-worker’s real concern, now being in the open, deserves consideration. But I disagree that it’s not about moving things on OP’s desk anymore.

      Going on to OP’s desk, removing an item, opening a drawer to hide said item – and doing it multiple times – is a really inappropriate boundary violation. Not only, she doubled down on her right to interfere with OP’s personal items and workspace.

      So I think that is something that still needs to be handled, no matter what happens with the candy dish. The way that this person felt free to rearrange, and rummage around in, OP’s workspace is it’s own issue, separate from how the candy dish is handled.

      1. Sloan Kittering*

        Oh, I don’t know about this. There are many offices I’ve worked where it’s not considered that your desk is really your inviolable personal space – definitely your employer doesn’t hold that you have reasonable expectation of privacy. I’ve had bosses go through my drawers to find files, etc., or coworkers who dig through my stuff to find a pen or white out or whatever. I sympathize that OP doesn’t like the feeling and I think it’d be fair to bring it up, but I don’t think it’s such a universal violation of rules that it completely precludes OP from trying to be reasonable on the issue of the candy jar.

        1. INeedANap*

          Oh I definitely think OP should be reasonable about the candy jar – I see that as a separate issue from the desk thing. I just don’t think she should completely dismiss the desk thing either.

          I think the big difference between the violation vs. non-violation part (to me, anyways) is the reason. Looking for a file, or grabbing a pen, those feel like legitimate reasons to pop into someone’s desk. But hiding someone’s personal belongings feels like a very non-legitimate reason to be in a desk.

          Like, if you’re grabbing a pen, go for it. But if you’re rummaging in there without a good reason, then I see that as the violation part.

          Add that to the fact that the co-worker wasn’t going for “work” property (like a file or a pen) but for personal property, and that’s why to me this seems like it’s own separate issue to address.

        2. TootsNYC*

          if you’re out of the office all day today and tomorrow, and your phone is set to ring really loudly, would a colleague be OK to go and turn the volume down so it doesn’t disturb them?

          If your colleagues throw a shrieking monkey around the office, and it annoys you, is it OK for you to take it and hide it? or break it?

        3. Colette*

          I agree that a desk isn’t really private – but I also don’t think that coworkers should be rooting through it without a valid, work-related reason. It’s like if someone leaves their phone in the kitchen. It’s reasonable to check to see if you can figure out who it belongs to. It’s not reasonable to go through it and transfer their contacts to your phone, read their text messages, and send an email to a mutual colleague.

          1. TootsNYC*

            But setting a bowl in a drawer is just not that invasive–it’s not at all akin to transfering contacts or reading their text messages.

      2. I Wrote This in the Bathroom*

        This. I keep my purse, with my wallet, meds, car keys, etc in it, in a drawer in my desk. I would freak way out if I found out a coworker was going into my drawers while I was away.

        I would also start locking the drawers anytime I’m away from my desk; regardless of whether I’d choose to continue the candy dish tradition or not.

    4. Observer*

      I think it’s a bit more complicated than that. Because CW seems to have made it clear that she feels that it’s on the OP to manage her temptations and that she can enforce this expectation on the OP. So, while I do think that it would both kind and sensible for the OP to make some changes, it is not really just about the coworker sating a valid complaint in a bad way, part of her expectation really is NOT reasonable.

      1. KHB*

        I think this is actually an example of exactly what I was talking about. Your assessment of the situation is so overwhelmed by your perception that CW thinks she can tell OP what to do, that the central question – “Can we maybe find someplace to put the candy dish where people who want candy can get it, but people who don’t want to look at candy don’t have to look at it?” (which is a reasonable question, even if the answer turns out to be “no”) – is getting lost.

        1. Observer*

          I disagree that that is the central question. I think it is *A* question – and a reasonable one. But it is NOT the only one.

    5. Yorick*

      OP could find someone who seemed enthusiastic about the candy whose desk isn’t near Jane and ask if they can keep it on their desk. You could cheerfully say “people over by me are trying not to eat candy.”

  13. Snark*

    This notion that there is an onus on everyone around us to manage our persona baggage, idiosyncracies, and triggers is getting increasingly abrasive and annoying. I’m of course on board with avoiding obvious offenses, insults, and omissions, such as those against entire classes of people or which significant subsets of people may be reasonably assumed to be affected by. But if you can’t suppress your urge to graze out of a community candy jar, that’s your problem to manage yourself.

    1. Anonandon*

      I have to agree with you – especially when co-worker OPENED THE DESK DRAWER and put the candy inside. That is so not cool. I’m probably in the minority here, but I’d also be inclined to say “Your problem is your problem to manage, not mine. And by the way, go p*ss up a rope.” No one is forcing her to walk over to someone else’s desk and take some candy. I’m not feeling very adult-y today, I guess.

      1. IndoorCat*

        Yes. The desk-drawer thing crosses a line.

        I know there is wisdom in compromise. But, there is also wisdom in standing up for yourself and defending your boundaries. I keeping trying to figure out a way to say, in better words, “If you apologize to me for violating my desk space, offer a way to make it up to me, and promise to never open my desk drawers or move my stuff again, then I will forgive you / accept your apology. At which point, I’m open for talking about compromise.”

        The refusal to apologize and change her ways means, to me, that an offer to compromise is cowotwing to an insult and disrespect. Maybe that is a cultural viewpoint that isn’t mainstream. Still, to me, I will not consent to a compromise where I must sacrifice some of my self-respect for the good of group harmony. There is a lot I would be willing to sacrifice, but self-respect just isn’t one of those things.

    2. Sloan Kittering*

      On the other hand, I think putting a file in front of the candy dish or something is a reasonable compromise in the Small Things That Will Make Other’s Lives Easier department. I don’t think there’s a moral onus, but if a coworker asked me for almost an minor compromise, I’d probably at least try in the spirit of working together – even if I thought the request was kind of silly or whatever.

      1. Snark*

        Sure! And if Coworker had led with that, it would have been a lot more reasonable. And Coworker can certainly request that now. But I don’t think the onus was on OP to proactively manage this, or that it is on her now.

      2. Lily Rowan*

        Yes! The reasonable thing to do, in a collegial office, is to say something like, “I know it’s not your job to manage my candy consumption, but is there any way you could (put a file in front the the bowl/use a covered dish/not have Kisses because they are my favorite/some other reasonable idea)? I would really appreciate it!”

      3. Tiny Soprano*

        I think I should get a job at their office. I’m very good at helping people save themselves from food. Because I eat the food. Problem solved.

    3. I liked my name til someone took it*

      Agreed. This person’s lack of willpower to walk by the candy dish without noshing is not the LW’s problem.

    4. MLB*

      Thank you. I was trying to put my thoughts into words and it wasn’t coming out right, but this right here is spot on. A large majority of people these days think everything is someone else’s fault instead taking responsibility for themselves and their actions. It’s not Jane’s problem that I have a sweet tooth and lack of willpower when chocolate is laid out in front of me to eat. It’s my problem. This co-worker needs some boundaries set.

    5. MuseumChick*

      Yup. There is a find line between have a Sensitive and Supportive work environment and whatever the heck this co-worker is asking for.

    6. pleaset*

      Not “manage” but have some empathy to them, and help if we can. Is that really too much to ask?

      2. Parenthetically*

        You can have empathy while also saying, “Hey, you have to come up with a solution that isn’t to take the candy dish and hide it somewhere.”

      3. MLB*

        But why? She’s not dancing around the co-worker, candy dish in hand and singing about it’s contents. It’s on her desk. Which means co-worker has to get up to see the candy dish. It’s no different than putting leftover cake in the break room and letting everyone know it’s in there. I’m not dragging the lady by the hair and forcing her to eat the cake. It’s up to her to avoid the temptation.

      4. MuseumChick*

        Having empathy is a world away from what this co-worker is asking for. She doesn’t get to dictate what food others bring into the office just because she struggles with self control (as most of us do).

        She doesn’t get the violate her co-workers space. She doesn’t get to make unilateral decisions.

        What she does get to do is go to her the OP and say, “Hey, I have something awkward to ask you. I’ve been trying to get better with healthy eating. I’ve found that the candy dish is a huge temptation for me. It’s much worse when you are not at your desk. I know this is a strange thing to ask but could we place is X location when you are away from your desk? Or would you be open to stocking it with nuts or other healthy option instead?”

      5. Nervous Accountant*

        touching someone else’s property isn’t empathy?
        I’m finding it strange that it’s the OP’s responsibility to be kind and compassionate, and nothing about the person making the unreasonable demands.

      6. Ann O.*

        These things need to be two way flows. Other people in the office gets pleasure out of the candy dish, the co-worker is taking that away. She is placing her needs above everyone else’s, even though her self-control is really her own issue to manage.

        I also agree with IndoorCat that it does matter that the co-worker crossed a line and not only hasn’t apologized for it but said she’d do it again. I understand Alison’s point about not getting drawn into a war about it, but I’m pretty bristly at the idea that the reasonable person always ends up the one compromising or changing behavior.

        That said, I do think it’s worth seeing if there is a way to compromise that puts the onus back on the unreasonable co-worker (like perhaps having her desk moved to be out of sight of the candy dish).

    7. JKP*

      Totally agree! Also, this is more than just OP vs Coworkers preferences. It sounds like many other people in the office were enjoying the candy dish and bringing in candy to refill it, which is probably why OP left it out even when she wasn’t in the office. Basically the Coworker wants to deny all of those people the communal candy dish also. The Coworker needs to learn her own coping skills to deal with temptation and not expect everyone around her to remove temptation on her behalf.

    8. Les G*

      This coworker would have found a way to act unreasonably and center herself in any time period. Let’s not draw “kids these days with their trigger warnings”-type conclusions based on an edge case.

    9. Nervous Accountant*

      Thank you. I agree 100% with you and I don’t find this unkind or mean at all.
      Look I personally have my struggles, my issues. But I would never expect the world to cater to my issues….. my issues are mine to deal with.

      It’s one thing to be nice and go out of your way, but it shouldn’t turn into an expectation and that if you do NOT do it, you’re an unkind or nasty person and that’s kind of the vibe I’m getting here.

      You’re not an asshole if you dn’t bend over backwards for someone demanding you to manage their issues.

    10. Lynn Marie*

      But why is it on the co-worker to manage the OP’s emotional need to keep candy on her desk?

    11. Aurion*

      Thank you for putting my reaction into words. I freely admit I am very protective of my space and things, so my immediate reaction to the coworker’s boundary violation and doubling down was “oh, f*** off”. Is that mature? No. Is that resolving the problem? Also no. If Coworker had approached OP with “hey, can you do me a favour…” my reaction would be much more accommodating, but at this point Coworker has forfeited any proactive helpfulness OP might’ve been inclined to.

      My boss and coworkers can feel free to dig around my desk for work purposes. Candy dish ain’t it. I would’ve been very hard pressed to not retort “so, are your desk drawers open season now too?”

      After I’d calmed down a bit, I’d probably change the candy dish to something opaque and hide it behind a file folder…but if Coworker has a problem with that still, then she’s going out of her way to have a problem, and I’d escalate the desk-rummaging and attitude to management.

      1. Aurion*

        Okay, now that I’ve calmed down a bit from my immediate “OH HELL NO”

        I think the easiest way to do this would be to have the candy dish on someone else’s desk when OP is out. OP still enjoys the community aspect when they’re in. When OP is out, John a few desks over (who also enjoys the candy dish) can hold onto the dish. John gets the community aspect, OP isn’t missing out on the community aspect because they are literally not in the office, having the dish on someone else’s desk is enough to deter Coworker from eating the candy or otherwise violating OP’s desk. Add opaque containers as needed.

      3. TootsNYC*

        Does it matter that she didn’t “dig around” in the desk? She opened a drawer and set the bowl in it.

        1. Anxious*

          Someone breaks into your house and rearranges your furniture. Why are you calling the police if they didn’t steal anything?

    13. smoke tree*

      Sure, but on the other hand, I think the coworker’s mishandling of this situation is lending it a lot more righteous indignation than it really deserves. Her position is clearly ridiculous, but it’s sucking the LW into treating the whole thing as a referendum on personal responsibility and privacy, when at the end of the day, this is someone she barely knows and has to deal with every day. It’s not her responsibility to manage the coworker’s temptations, but it’s also not her responsibility to inspire the coworker to change her perspective, ridiculous as it is.

      1. Marthooh*

        “…the coworker’s mishandling of this situation is lending it a lot more righteous indignation than it really deserves.”

        Thank you for putting it so well. OP is completely in the right the candy-dish-in-the-drawer business, but she made the tactical mistake if letting Jane drag her into a dramatic showdown, and now they both look silly.

    14. Arya Snark*

      Exactly. As someone who could use to lose more than a few pounds, I empathize with Jane but I draw the line at being responsible for her inability to manage her own issues around someone else’s candy dish. I would never have one on my own desk because I would stock it with things I like and eat them to excess but it’s not up to me to dictate what someone else can or cannot put on their own desk. I had a work lunch recently scheduled by someone who knew I am dieting but I didn’t put the onus of finding an acceptable restaurant on her any more than I made her responsible for my choice to eat any of the amazing bread they put on the table.

  14. WellRed*

    I think the coworker is being ridiculous, and she had ZERO right to move your dish, etc etc. But, I also get sick of passing by tempting food stuffs all the time. Although a candy dish on somone’s desk wouldn’t bother me, constant cookies or what have you in communal areas might, so I sympathize a teeny bit with her.
    I’d file this under not a hill to die on.

    1. Hmmm*

      Not a hill to die was my exact thought. There are so many other battles to have in life, this is not one of them. I understand the LW’s knee-jerk reaction to the co-worker’s rude actions and statements, but now it needs to be let go. In a war over a candy dish there will be no winners. Especially if management needs to get involved.

  15. Home Based Worker FTW!*

    My husband and I like to use this phrase on each other, (mostly) in jest: Do you want to be right, or happy?

    Sometimes you just can’t have both.

      1. Drew*

        That’s why it’s a question, not a directive. You get to decide which is more important in the moment.

    2. KHB*

      Interesting that you bring this up. I have a close friend who long ago decided that he’d rather be right than happy, and occasionally he uses that to justify some oddly self-destructive behaviors. For example, he’ll declare that he just has a feeling that Goal X is not going to work out for him, then sabotage his own efforts to achieve Goal X, and declare victory, because he just knew that he wasn’t going to achieve Goal X.

      I’m seeing some of that in the replies here. Yes, you have the option of going scorched-earth on Coworker to punish her for her momentary lapse in judgement in opening your desk drawer. And you can even take it to the point of harming others (e.g., getting rid of the candy bowl and letting everyone know it’s all Coworker’s fault) in a grand display of “Look what you made me do!” Or you can choose not to do that.

      1. VelociraptorAttack*

        It’s not a momentary lapse in judgment though. It’s repeated and they have threatened to continue doing it.

        Why are we not applying concerns over going scorched earth on this to the coworker in question who doubled down on what they were doing and their right to do it?

        1. KHB*

          Because the coworker is not the one who wrote in asking for advice. The only person’s behavior that OP can directly control is her own.

          1. biobotb*

            Right? Does the LW want to dig her heels in, and have the coworker escalate as promised, or decide to give a little because it’s not worth being part of a candy war at work?

            1. TheFacelessOldWomanWhoSecretlyLivesinYour House*

              For this, I think OP should dig heels in. Because co worker has threatened to escalate and destroy.

              1. Jasnah*

                If I was a manager and OP came to me with “..and then she threatened to desTROY MY CANDY! Out of my pERSONAL DESK SPACE” I would think she lost her marbles. That’s like red-stapler-from-Office-Space levels of going ballistic over a tiny tiny thing.

                1. TheFacelessOldWomanWhoSecretlyLivesinYour House*

                  How about X told me she was going in and out of my desk, into my personal things, and threatened to destroy them? This isn’t about candy at all.

                2. Yorick*

                  But it is about candy. She isn’t going through OP’s stuff, she isn’t destroying anything. She’s moving a candy dish into a drawer. She did threaten to throw candy away, but hasn’t done it, and the threat was in the middle of a big argument so she might not even intend to do it.

                3. Jasnah*

                  If someone said “coworker was going through my things and threatened to destroy them” I would be concerned. Then when I found out it was about the communal candy dish, I’d be confused. Going through her things=her purse, her valuables, not a communal candy drawer. I agree the coworker overstepped and shouldn’t have moved anything or thrown it out but I don’t get why OP can’t roll her eyes and put the candy somewhere else or stop bringing it in. Candy is not worth fighting with coworkers over; if bringing it buys goodwill, then why is it wrong to remove it for the same reason? OP doesn’t need to “win” this.

    3. Statler von Waldorf*

      That’s a valid thing to say in a partnership between two equals. The workplace is more, “Would you like to happy, or would you like to be employed?”

  16. Shutdown and Out*

    I too have struggled with the temptation of Office Candy Dishes. (Along with the temptations of vending machines and my current office’s self-service snack bar/store. AND with buying snacks or sandwiches on my breaks from a grocery store job.) My relationship to candy and other food at work is my problem. Dealing with my problem by puting away the office candy dish behind someone’s back is not the way to solve it. Neither is starting a war with a coworker.

  17. trying to slim down a bit!*

    I’m not the candy dish hater in this letter but I do hate the one that is in my office. It is on the desk right outside my office and I have to walk by it a dozen times each day. The person who owns the candy dish actually places it at the very far end of her reception space because she doesn’t want to have to look at temptation all day. It’s closer to me than it is to her. The thought has actually entered my mind to simply throw out the candy every morning since I’m the first one in, but I’ve so far refrained. A candy dish isn’t the same as a vending machine (I’d have to make an effort to find money and walk upstairs to the vending machine) or pastries in the kitchen (I can avoid the kitchen and never see them). But I walk by the candy dish throughout the day and so I have to have an idiotic internal battle with myself a dozen times each day. I can mostly refrain but I resent that I have to have an internal struggle each and every time. The Candy Dish person at my job is leaving soon and my only real input for the committee searching for the new person will be, “No candy dish!”

    1. valentine*

      As they’re reception, is it really that they’re a candy-dish person or that your colleagues, possibly including her supervisor or another higher-up, wants reception to have a candy dish? You’re focusing on the person when she’s not the enemy.

      2. MSK*

        I used to be that receptionist- I honestly didn’t even want to talk to my coworkers all day, but now I had no choice! Candy dish was not my decision hah

      3. Tiny Soprano*

        Yes, to me it sounds like if she’s putting it far away from her, maybe she doesn’t want it but has been directed to have it there?

    2. MP*

      Exactly – that’s a lot of temptation management that she’s forcing on you. When it could just not exist at all if she removed the candy dish!

      1. TootsNYC*

        and interestingly, she’s managing her own temptation by making yours worse. She probably doesn’t know that, of course.

    3. Jules the 3rd*

      So, um, have you ever talked to her about getting rid of it?

      If not, why not? This is a serious question, because I don’t understand enduring this level of frustration (putting ‘no candy dish’ as a job requirement?!) without a really good reason. If she looooovveed the candy, ok, but she’s put it far away too – that signals something other than love to me?

      Could she maybe do flowers instead? There’s some very nice silk flowers out there now…

    4. Anabella*

      strong recommendation: tell yourself you are never allowed candy from the dish. the argument is over. there is no internal struggle, because the answer is always no. it takes a couple of weeks, but eventually, you will stop caring, I promise.
      [source: stopped eating sugar, therefore, no cake at work ever. used to be eternally plagued with the homer simpson ‘eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding’ voice, and now i don’t even think about it.]

  18. SallyF*

    There’s an interesting article about the social dynamics in play of the communal candy dish. I won’t post a link because I’m not sure it’s okay to do so (?) but it can be found by Googling “office candy dish” and it’s posted on Newsobserver.com.

    1. fposte*

      I think that’s taken from the Washington Post article that’s quoted in the linked “You may also like” post.

        1. fposte*

          It really is, isn’t it? I would love to see some kind of sped up time-lapse overhead image of people’s behavior around the candy jar.

    2. Database Developer Dude*

      I’d say since you told us what it is, post the link if you like.

      Unless, of course, someone complains because they can’t resist clicking on links, and someone else posted a NSFW link that got them in trouble at work (for the humor-impaired, that last was a joke)

  19. Bend & Snap*

    Well, now you have some good information about how your coworker collaborates/negotiates (or doesn’t).

    This kind of unreasonable behavior is something I usually file away because it usually becomes relevant later in a different way.

    I don’t think you should escalate. I do like the idea of only having the dish out when you’re in the office.

  20. HereKittyKitty*

    You could also welcome her to add a snack to the rotation since you say sometimes other people refill the dish. Maybe some healthy snacks can be added to the rotation? You mentioned nuts before- maybe that can be added every now and again to keep the peace?

    1. valentine*

      Coworker could keep her own dish of nuts and try focusing or filling up on that to help her ignore the candy dish.

          1. Jules the 3rd*

            The recommendation is 1 oz nuts / day, because while the fat is unsaturated (and usually mono-unsaturated), it’s a lot, and recommendation-makers are still very focused on the overall number of calories. Nuts are more calories per oz than candy (fat = 9 cal/gram vs sugar / protein = 4 cal/gram), so people who are focused only on ‘calories per weight’ consider them ‘fattening’.

            The description ‘fattening’ is in question. People who eat 1 oz nuts/day do tend to have lower body fat %s than people who don’t, but there’s a lot of correlation options, with the most obvious being ‘nuts are expensive; body fat in the US decreases with income’. OTOH, some studies show fat triggers ghrelin production, causing your brain to feel satiated, and there’s a ton of fascinating research going on now with human gut flora (microbiomes). The fat/ghrelin and microbiome changes are hinting at possible causation routes, but nutrition and weight are much to complex for simple ‘healthy fats’ or ‘fattening’ descriptions.

            (no, I haven’t looked into why I can’t lose those 30 post-baby pounds, nope…)

  21. Alfonzo Mango*

    This would drive me crazy. I would stand firm and not allow my candy dish to be moved, and escalate it to her manager so she’s reminded not to move other people’s stuff. She needs to grow up a bit.

    And I don’t mean escalate like make a huge deal, but it’s worth a conversation.

    1. KP*

      What I find upsetting is that the coworker thinks it’s also reasonable TO THROW AWAY treats someond else has bought on the notion why not? It’s communal, so … that means it’s 100% hers to throw away?

      It’s such a sign of disrespect for a fellow coworker. I guess that in itself seems to me to be … hell, not grounds for firing but in some workplaces absolutely part of what goes into consideration regarding raises and promotions. I don’t know that I’d advise the OP any differently — Alison’s advice is probably the wisest, I could see how this could also backfire if OP doesn’t let it go. But I just wanted to put it out there because there are multiple aspects of the interaction that are so … wrong, I can understand why any normal person would be seething for far longer than such a situation deserves.

  22. kittymommy*

    This letter is a great example of sometimes it’s all in the delivery (aka, if you put some honey on it, it’ll gone down easier).

  23. Triplestep*

    This is the part that struck me:

    And that if they were out while I was at my desk, she would leave them because I may want to eat them, but if I wasn’t at my desk (and I do go stretches without being at my desk for a few days) that she needed them hidden and would continue to remove them.

    LW, I agree with you that she should not touch your stuff, and I agree with Alison that if she’d asked differently, you might have responded differently.

    But I think you should examine your motivation for having a candy dish on your desk for days at a time when you’re not there. Especially now that you know it bothers her. Arguably, she’s having to deal with it for more hours a week than you’re getting pleasure from sharing candy with the community. (Unless you’re thinking about candy-sharing when you are not there.) To me, this makes your response even more regrettable.

    1. Temperance*

      Other people in the office like and eat the candy, though, also presumably when LW isn’t at her desk.

        1. valentine*

          this makes your response even more regrettable
          I’m impressed by OP’s ability to respond well and in the moment, especially with the vending-machine comparison.

        2. Gadget Hackwrench*

          I think she mentioned it because you have it in there as a parenthetical, and the rest of the paragraph seems to be structured as if she were not thinking about sharing when she wasn’t there, when there’s a very high likelyhood that she is. People who put out candy dishes don’t expect other to only enjoy them when they’re around to see it. The “sharing when you aren’t there” is an implicit part of putting out a candy dish.

    2. Sarah N*

      I mean, let’s say 10 people in the office enjoy and like the candy dish (regardless of whether the OP is there at her desk or not). Why do all of those 10 people have to miss out on a little tradition that they all enjoy, just because one coworker is being a pain?

      1. Triplestep*

        I think point of the communal candy dish is being missed here. It’s pretty well accepted that office candy dishes bring people to the candy-sharer’s desk. The reasons someone might want the added traffic are varied, but there is little point in bringing people to your desk if you are not there!

        If her co-workers still want candy when she’s not there, let one of them be the keeper of the candy dish on those days. Problem solved.

        1. Alfonzo Mango*

          I disagree. The point of the candy dish is the candy. You don’t have to exchange pleasantries.

          1. valentine*

            let one of them be the keeper of the candy dish on those days
            That’s too much work. Why does one (astoundingly entitled) person get to cause multiple people to host and schedule the (sometimes empty!) candy dish?

        2. skunklet*

          Any place I’ve ever worked, the candy dish stays out while the candy dish inhabitant is not there – including where I am now.

        3. LizB*

          I’ve never even considered that the point of the candy dish would be to attract people to my desk. I see the point as… to make candy available? In case people sometimes want candy? And that might happen even if I’m not in the office.

        4. Dankar*

          Meh. Our admin keeps a candy dish on her desk. She told everyone in the building that the candy was always there if we wanted it, even if she was out. Since this is academia and EVERYONE has a master key, we let ourselves into her office if we’re working late or she’s on vacation. It’s definitely not about bringing people to her desk–we’re all there for the sugar, for better or worse.

        5. Gadget Hackwrench*

          I think you’re assuming facts not in evidence. It is FAR from universally accepted that the point of a candy dish is to get people to visit your desk.

  24. JeanB in NC*

    I literally asked a coworker just last week to not keep candy stocked in our offices, or to keep it on her desk so I didn’t see it most of the time. She was fine with it! But we are in an office with only three people. I don’t say no candy anywhere, just please not where I see it every time I walk in the door. But I do realize that’s my issue.

    2. Snark*

      And you asked nicely, offered a reasonable compromise, and weren’t passive-aggressive and boundary-crossing.

      1. JeanB in NC*

        Reading this column has really reduced my boundary-crossing, that’s for sure. I only wish it had been around when I was in my 20s b/c man, I did some stupid stuff!

    3. TheMonkey*

      And… you asked her rather than taking it upon yourself to move her stuff. Two entirely different situations, in my opinion.

      1. fposte*

        I’m going to hairsplit here :-). It’s actually a very similar situation; it’s the approach that made it go so differently. I think if the OP can get past her understandable annoyance at the approach and look at just the situation, that’ll simplify her response.

  25. Celeste*

    It isn’t just thin people who can have disordered eating issues. I think it may not have been easy for her to admit that she feels powerless around candy sitting out in the open to take. I think I would treat it like it’s a serious problem for her, and make it not so visible when you’re there, and put away when you’re not.

    FYI about your nut allergy example–people who are allergic to nuts are not tempted to eat them, because the reaction makes them truly ill. My daughter has only a sensitivity, and her lips and tongue will itch and swell up. With a true allergy, people go into anaphylactic shock and can’t breathe. Those people will need an EpiPen and a trip to Emergency.

    I agree with AAM that your focus needs to be on getting along so that any attention you get is for being a top performer.

    1. caryatis*

      It is a mental health issue. Food addiction and binge eating are incredibly common. OP should consider how her candy habit is contributing to others’ problems.

      1. Delphine*

        This seems…unnecessarily judgemental. Her “candy habit”? She has a bowl of candy at her desk–she’s well within her rights to eat whatever she likes and she doesn’t need to modify her diet because other people struggle with binge eating.

      2. CristinaMariaCalabrese (do the mambo like-a crazy)*

        Uh, no, it’s the exact opposite, in fact. I have a food addiction and suffer from BED, for which I take medicine and receive treatment. In therapy it is stressed how the onus is on NO ONE ELSE BUT ME to take responsibility for my thoughts and actions. Sure, my friends and family are thoughtful and helpful, but that is their choice. The world will never cater to me, and nor would I ask it to. I need to learn how to deal with my issues myself, and if I can’t, then that is my problem. It is my job to take my meds, go to therapy, and learn the techniques that allow me to healthily function in the world. The OP’s co-worker is approaching her issue in an immature and mentally unhealthy way, so I totally understand why the OP is so irritated.

        1. skunklet*

          I am a diagnosed COE and yes, I completely agree with you, it’s completely up to the coworker to manage whatever their issue is, not the OP.

      3. Observer*

        If you put in those terms, then you have it backwards. The OP is not the one responsible for CW’s problem. An the *demand* that OP makes changes means that CW hasn’t taken the most important first step in dealing with her problem, which is taking responsibility for it. It’s like OCD or Anxiety disorder. Any competent therapist will tell you that it’s not useful to give in to requests that come from these places because it just feeds the disorder.

    2. Master Bean Counter*

      The nut example is a instance of being more inclusive. She’s making it so more people can enjoy the perk, with out much inconvenience. Taking away the candy dish is quite the opposite of that.

      1. Celeste*

        “Second, given some extenuating circumstances, I would be willing to be cooperative about displaying food items. For example, if you just developed a peanut allergy, I would refrain from including peanut M&Ms anymore since they would be a temptation for someone dealing with a serious health issue.”

        This is what the OP thinks about nut allergy. I’m saying that’s a case of a person who mustn’t eat it, because bad things happen to them fast. In the case of Jane, she totally can eat the items, but she realizes that she shouldn’t. I know she did it badly, but she is asking for help.

        I can tell that the OP is upset that Jane took matters into her own hands by moving the bowl instead of asking, but from the general tone of the OP’s letter, I think she should ask herself if she really is someone who can be approached and asked for help. Some people just are not safe to ask because of how they will respond.

        1. Aurion*

          I think it’s unfair to judge OP as an unapproachable and unhelpful person when the Coworker started with a bad delivery, boundary violation, and doubling down. Reasonable, approachable people can absolutely raise their hackles at such an adversarial approach.

          1. Celeste*

            Disagree strongly, based on the way she says she dug in over the dish being moved. It sounded haughty, and not like she was looking to co-exist when somebody said it was a problem for them.

            1. Aurion*

              Considering the Coworker declared open season on OP’s desk and drawer contents, I can’t say I’d be as helpful as I could be too were I in OP’s position.

              1. Celeste*

                The candy is for taking. What the person does with it when they take it is up to them.

                Both parties have control issues here. I almost wonder if it would be better if they didn’t sit near each other, if that’s a possible way to resolve this.

        2. TootsNYC*

          I think she should ask herself if she really is someone who can be approached and asked for help. Some people just are not safe to ask because of how they will respond.

          I think if I had been in the OP’s shoes, I wouldn’t be so mad. Or doubled down on the “don’t touch my stuff” point without actually listening to my colleague.

          After all, the dish was just moved to within my desk; my colleague didn’t rummage around and read everything. My desk belongs to my employer, and it’s my “turf” while I’m there, but it’s not my private, personal property.

          I would probably say, “Oh, well, I’ll forget to put it in there, so you’ll have to do it, and I’ll get it out again when I’m back in the office.”

          I get that the coworker was defensive and annoyed, but it’s important to get past all of that and focus on the core issues, and focus on what is best for all people, not JUST what people’s “rights” are.

          It’s one of the problems in our country–people focus on the snarky comments and not the substance behind them. And they focus on points that people didn’t make, or are secondary.

    3. EH*

      Aanaphylaxis is not the only “true allergy” reaction, please do not spread misinformation.

      I come from a family with a long list of allergies (an aunt of mine was a case study in child allergy treatment), and only some of them cause an ahaphylactic reaction. Hives, asthma, headaches, rashes, migraines, brain fog, “milk circles” (dark patches around/under the eye caused by dairy allergies), et al are also legit allergic reactions. One can be allergic to almost anything, and with a wide variety of allergic reactions.

        1. JB (not in Houston)*

          Seriously, this is medically inaccurate. You can have a “true” IgE-mediated allergic reaction that does not rise to the level of anaphylaxis. Anaphylaxis is defined by the number or degree of signs and symptoms.

  26. Roscoe*

    I often am a keep the peace person, but I think OP is totally right here. Her lack of willpower isn’t someone else’s problem. That isn’t to say there can’t be compromise. Maybe you could offer to put it in the kitchen if you know you’ll be gone a few days, and then put it back when you are at your desk.

    But I think you are well within your right to keep it at your desk and escalate this to your manager if she keeps moving things that are in your workspace.

      1. valentine*

        I think the kitchen would be like a bigger version of the desk. Coworker needs someone close to the dish to stop herself hiding it. If OP moves it to the kitchen, I expect Coworker to find various places there to hide it.

  27. Anon for today*

    While the person hiding the candy dish should have asked, I think some empathy is called for. She told the person the candy dish is a temptation, but what if there’s more going on that she wasn’t comfortable sharing? What if she has an eating disorder and the candy triggers her to binge? Hopefully they can arrive at a compromise.

    2. Anon For This*

      I understand this reaction that but I have to agree with what appears to be the minority here that unfortunately, this is not OP’s problem to handle.

      It feels super harsh to me even as I say that it is on her to handle it in the workplace but I have a history of disordered eating that multiple times has escalated into bulimia and I feel the same way about how I handle it. I ask my husband to help keep me accountable and I talk about it with my therapist because of where those issues come from for me but that is it.

      It’s no one else’s responsibility to ensure that I don’t gorge on the office candy dish. There are days when someone brings in croissants and I eat more than I’m willing to admit. It’s not their fault for bringing them and having them in my sight, I still have to get up and go get them.

      The OP says this coworker sits two desks away from them. That certainly makes it seem like this is not something where they can see the candy dish from their desk and a lot of responses are acting like that’s the case. I’m not a child, I don’t need someone to hide their candy from me, it’s 100% on me to manage my own disordered eating.

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        To be clear, I agree that it shouldn’t be the OP’s to handle. But the way this has played out, she’s going to have to go to war with the coworker over a candy dish. That’s not worth it, and it’s not going to reflect well on the OP professionally.

        1. Database Developer Dude*

          While I agree that going to war over a candy dish is not worth it, where do you draw the line? If the OP completely surrenders now, what’s the next unreasonable demand that’s going to come down the line?

  28. not your coworker*

    Yes, moving a person’s stuff is rude. And being passive about it just makes it worse.

    I have waited what feels like forever for someone to ask a version of this. THANK YOU ALISON! As someone with a compulsive eating disorder (read: diagnosed as a Disability, not merely a will power/temptation issue) I have a physiological response to “Candy Dishes” like this. But I would never say it. And you would never know.

    LW, I am sorry this has happened to you. From someone Like Me, please know your generosity is genuinely appreciated. If I could get out of my own head, please know that I would. Any patience you can volunteer means the world to me. I am sorry I won’t bring myself to go to HR to have this be an “ADA Thing”. I wish I could just Be Normal.

    1. valentine*

      What would you do in this scenario and what would you want your colleagues to do? Is there a way for both food to be communal and you to be at peace?

    2. montescristo1985*

      I’m not the kind of person to have a candy dish (beyond maybe a few days at Halloween) because I don’t want the extra visitors, lol. But if I did, and it was causing you this much problem, I hope you would talk to me so we could work out something that works for everyone. We all live in the world together, and if we just talk to each other we can work out almost any problem. Please don’t just suffer in silence (or snap and be crazy, lol).

  29. Frogsandturtles*

    OP, you are in the right and your coworker is being obnoxious, but. Can I just say I hate the piles of junk food that are normal in so many offices? I don’t get why so many adults seem to require candy, cookies, donuts, etc. on a daily basis. Once a month or so, fine. But almost every day? (Friends in education tell me that teachers’ lounges are the worst — just heaps of garbage food sitting there all day long.) Usually I just ignore it and nobody cares, but I have worked in offices where people thought it was weird that I didn’t really participate. Since it is usually part of office social life I’ll take a bite sometimes, but it bugs me that in order to be part of the group I’m supposed to eat food I would never normally eat. I don’t want to fill my body with crap, sugar is terrible for you, and for me it’s kind of like being pressured to smoke or drink. In a small office where I had a temp job long ago, there was one woman — a nurse! — who just wouldn’t stop talking about how I never ate much of the garbage food and that I often went for a walk on my lunch break. I never said anything about it, I just don’t like a lot of sugar (even when I was kid I didn’t really like candy) and I like to go for walks! I mean I had an entire hour to kill every day and I wasn’t going to spend it in that tiny office. But she acted like I was some kind of alien freak for not gobbling down three jelly donuts every time someone brought in a box.

    1. WellRed*

      I am the person who will, after looking at piles of all the food stuff nobody wants in their house (like, after Christmas), give it a certain amount of time, and then toss it. By the end of the week, I figure, if anyone actually liked that stale popcorn and cookies, they’d have eaten it. This year, I sent fair warning over email and a coworker took it all home to her chickens. A win-win!

    2. Delphine*

      Your preferences are your own and no one should pressure you to participate, but this kind of judgemental thinking around food and the language you use (“garbage food” “gobbling down three jelly donuts”) all perpetuate the idea that there is shame in eating and in how much you eat and in what you eat. Do you think that is helpful to people with disordered eating?

      1. ElspethGC*

        Also “filling my body with crap”. Food has nothing to do with morality, and no food is inherently bad.

        There is a thin line between orthorexia and other sorts of disordered eating, and one can often trigger the other. There’s a reason that a huge part of anorexia recovery is refusing to restrict and refusing to assign values and morals to food.

      2. aebhel*

        ^ this. Disordered eating is all about shame and obsession and control, and perpetuating that attitude helps nobody.

    3. stitchinthyme*

      The world would be a way nicer place if more people minded their own damn business and stopped paying so much attention to other people’s looks, eating habits, etc. The question this morning from the recovering alcoholic who didn’t want to go to a whiskey-tasting comes down to the same thing: why should that OP have to justify not wanting to attend an alcohol-related event? “Sorry, I can’t attend” should be all the response they need. And if they did go and chose not to partake, “No, thanks” should be sufficient. But no, some people have to nitpick other people’s preferences and choices, as if your own choices are a judgment on others’.

      That said, I do hope you keep your opinions on sugar and all that to yourself. Yes, we all know it’s bad for you. But some of us enjoy it anyway. I’d never insult anyone else’s food preferences (especially as I’m a picky eater myself!), so I expect the same courtesy in return.

      1. Hooray College Football*

        Thanks for this. I have weird food habits and aversions, and my office is extremely food oriented (pot lucks, bagel day every week, someone bringing in treats nearly every week, afternoon tea with cookies) but I am lucky. If they judge, they don’t say anything. Of course, about the only food item I have zero control around is chips, so I am rarely in danger.

    5. Crivens!*

      Allowing yourself sweets is normal though. I have dessert every single day. There is nothing unhealthy about that.

      1. Susan*

        Yup. I wonder where I fall on some folks virtue scales. I am thin (formerly overweight) but still eat sweets. Where do I fall on the “good” scale?

    6. madge*

      To each their own, but it sounds truly dreadful to go through life with such an austere and antagonistic view towards food.

      1. PlainJane*

        This. Life is about more than dragging out your existence as long as possible. We all have to find the balance between “fun” and “might maximize our time on this planet,” that suits us.

    7. stitchinthyme*

      Frogsandturtles, you’re talking about two separate issues here, one legitimate and one not. You’re all self-righteous about the “piles” of “junk food” in offices, and you don’t like when people try to force you to partake of them. The second point is completely valid — a polite “no, thanks” should be all you need when someone offers you something you don’t want. But you’re also complaining about the mere presence of things you don’t want, which is pretty much the same thing the coworker in the original letter is doing.

      If you don’t want to eat sweets, that’s your prerogative, and anyone who gives you crap about it is rude. But you’re being pretty rude yourself if you’re sitting there judging people by what they eat.

  30. dovidbawie*

    I used to have terrible dialogues in my head that Soandso at work was deliberately trying to sabotage my health with their candy dish. In reality their candy dish had nothing to do with me. Maybe coworker is having that kind of internal rage to mess with OP’s stuff without first talking about it.

    However, I trained myself out of that & out of eating from the candy dish because, hello, it’s my own problem to deal with & if I am gainfully employed I probably have enough agency to figure it out somehow. It is, in fact, how to grow as a person.

  31. Green*

    I feel like this is the opposite of the screaming monkey question from a day or so ago. Except the person in that questipn had asked politely first. Asking politely first still doesn’t make it professional to hide other people’s things.

    1. Drew*

      I like this parallel a lot. Hiding other people’s stuff is Not Cool, even if the reason is because it’s legitimately disruptive, which a candy dish is not.

    2. Nervous Accountant*

      heh that’s exactly what I thought.

      I have a report whos phone goes off 20 times a day, despite repeated warnings to TURN IT OFF. (a whole other issue altogehter). As tempted as I’d be to just grab it and turn it off myself, touching another person’s property is a NO GO. (also he keeps it in his pants pocket so..).

      The only time that really happens in this office is if someone’s phone call or alarm goes off and they don’t shut it off b/c the’re away. Even then it’s just a matter of putting it on silent, not taking the phone away or anything else. That’s reasonable. Other examples are not.

      1. michelenyc*

        If your phone is going off constantly and you are note at your desk I have no problem putting it on silent. I would never turn it off. I also tell the person when they come back to their desk hey your phone was blowing up so I put it on silent.

        1. Nervous Accountant*

          Yes, I think that is appropriate.

          But the worker I am talking about above, he keeps his phone in his pants pocket so I can’t/won’t reach over and turn it off. I’ve clearly communicated to him many times to turn it off. There are way larger issues there, but that’s just one of them.

          I’ve had it done to me when I stepped away and my alarm went off/someone called, and someone informed me they did it–I apologized and tried to make a better effort. That’s what normal, non-asshole people do.

    3. smoke tree*

      I noticed some similarities in the responses to both scenarios. I have to say, I found responses to both seemed disproportionate to the scale of the issue–lots of language about theft, damaging of personal property, willpower and whatnot. At the end of the day, we’re all just trying to get our work done, and we’re talking about candy and irritating toys. I don’t see any great moral imperative to avoid putting a toy out of sight if people are being rude and disruptive about it and aren’t responding to reasonable requests. I also don’t see why it’s worth getting into a drawn-out argument about a dish of candy–either put it out of sight or get rid of it. I don’t think standing on principle in either case is really worth the time or energy.

  32. Lena Clare*

    I actually disagree with part of the response here.

    I *don’t* think that the LW should move the dish to the drawer and I definitely think it’s out of order that the coworker is going in the LW’s drawer without permission – that’s not on!

    Moving it behind some folders or putting something in the way to block coworker’s vision is an acceptable compromise imo.

    If coworker doesn’t like it, I’m afraid I’d get rid of the goodies entirely and let everyone know it’s coworker’s fault.
    I know that seems petty but omg if coworker can’t resist temptation then she’s acting like a spoilt child and everyone needs to know that!

    1. Sarah N*

      Yeah, honestly I might put up a little sign saying “The candy is gone at the request of Jane.” Suuuuuuuuuuuper petty but honestly no more petty than Jane.

      1. Scribbles*

        If the OP decided to get rid of the candy dish and anyone asked what happened, I think it’d be fine to explain they got rid of it because of the coworker. There’s no reason to lie about it.

        But proactively “letting everyone know” or leaving a sign to say it’s coworker’s fault would make me think the OP was immature and spiteful even if I knew they were reacting to the coworker handling things badly. Someone behaving like a child doesn’t make acting childish in return okay.

        1. JessaBee*

          I think this is a case of “know thyself.” Yes, it’s perfectly factual that Jane is the reason that the candy dish is gone if OP removes it. But if OP can’t relay that information in a completely neutral manner she runs the risk of also seeming petty. For example, I know myself and I wouldn’t be able to keep it 100% out of my voice how silly I think Jane is behaving which is why I’d probably come up with some minimizing excuse as to why the dish is gone.

          Because I think if you do blame Jane in a manner that indicates you’re still having an emotional response to the candy dish (and don’t get me wrong, were I OP I very much would be), you run the risk of seeming as petty and lacking of perspective as Jane.

        2. Flash*

          Remove the candy aspect altogether. Remove the dish and if anyone asks what happened to it, say “I was really uncomfortable that it was taken off my desk and put in my drawer.” Which – given OP’s response to it happening several times – isn’t inaccurate.

  33. caryatis*

    Removed. I gave you a final warning yesterday, so I’m now putting your comments on moderation.

    1. Roscoe*

      Even if its destructive, how about treating people as adults who can decide what they want that goes into their body

    2. Detective Amy Santiago*

      The best way to get Alison’s attention is to toss a link in your comment so it goes to moderation.

    3. MLB*

      It has nothing to do with candy. It has to do with a boundary pushing asshole who has no willpower and expects others to prevent her from eating unhealthy. And your comment is unnecessary and ignorant.

    4. Person from the Resume*

      Wow! You are advocating an extreme view. Are you the co-worker in this letter?

      Human beings like sweets. They even do need some sugar and fat in their diet. (Shocking, I know.) There nothing wrong with a small amount of “unhealthy” food everyday.

      Sharing sweets are not a destructive social norm. You’re comment just crazy to the extreme. (I was going to try to use logic on you but decided that it’s not worth my time.)

  34. Master Bean Counter*

    I’m in the camp of don’t ever rearrange the stuff on my desk. EVER. I get how annoying it can be to come back and have your candy dish missing, and to find it in your desk drawer. I can into work one morning to find most of my stuff had been packed up and moved into my new office by people who thought they were “helping” me. They really all just wanted their new desks and I was the obstacle because I didn’t move the minute the minute my office was ready. I actually had work to do and was just too busy to jump on it.
    Did I want to kill them all? Absolutely. Would I have been in the right to yell at them? Absolutely. Did I do anything of the kind? No. I went and made a cup of tea and made them all wait on moving anything further until I was caffeinated.
    Then I moved the rest of my stuff. Told them I appreciated that they were trying to be helpful, but I would take care of my own stuff. Would they try that move again? Probably not, partially because I was calm and explained how I prefer things to be handled. Partially because they are all officially my direct reports now.

    Anyway the point is, try to remain calm and figure out a better solution. OP would someone be willing to babysit the candy dish while you are away? They can take over filling it and have it on their desk for everybody to enjoy. Or you could just make a sign to put on the side of the dish “Karen don’t touch this!”

    1. Dave H*

      I like this solution. MBC, I’m the same way and don’t like having my stuff rearranged or moved. At the same time, I’ve never been what I consider a “candy dish” personality type, i.e. extrovert who loves engaging with people randomly throughout the day. If I want to socialize, I’ll go to the break room. If I’m at my desk, I’m working.

      However, if someone is truly struggling with self-control, would moving the candy dish or having a sign really help the LW’s co-worker? I’m not saying this to be critical because I like your idea in theory, just thinking if maybe that isn’t enough. While sympathetic to the co-worker, I also agree that ultimately LW is not responsible for the temptations of any of her co-workers. That being said, I do think it would show some decency to try and come to some sort of agreement.

      1. Master Bean Counter*

        The coworker isn’t tempted if somebody is watching the dish–thus “hiring” a babysitter for it would solve both problems.
        As for the sign, I was mostly kidding.

  35. Drew*

    I did not realize I had Feelings about this until I read the letter and the responses.

    First off, Jane putting your candy dish in your desk drawer: Hard no. Absolutely not on. You have every right to be annoyed by that. Jane should have used her words, not her actions.

    However: I also have some sympathy for her position. If someone is struggling with temptation, it can be very disturbing to have that temptation right there all the time. Jane’s struggle is not yours to manage, but if you can reasonably mitigate it (by moving the dish to another location, by using an opaque dish, by filling it with things that Jane doesn’t like or with items that Jane provides, etc.), it might be kind to everyone to pretend Jane had approached you and asked if y’all could find a solution, rather than taking it on herself to relocate your treats.

    You’re totally correct to be annoyed by her approach, and IMO even to say, “You know, if you’d just asked me, I would have been happy to figure this out with you,” but in the end, you have to work with Jane and I think finding a solution that you can both live with is a better answer than sticking to your guns because Jane pissed you off.

    1. Sloan Kittering*

      Thank you! I’m surprised how many comments here are basically saying “stand your ground, this is the hill to die on.” Just because the coworker approached this badly doesn’t mean OP should escalate it!

      1. 1.0*

        as someone who has chosen some really weird hills to die on, my dad was fond of asking me, “would you rather be right, or happy?” and I think it’s a question that applies here

        Coworker needs to learn how to keep her hands to herself, but digging in your heels purely on principle is not likely to get the results you like, in my experience.

      2. CheeseNurse*

        It’s such a petty thing to fight with someone about, too. A lot of people take note of that kind of thing and think less of you professionally. I’ve worked with people who went nuclear over small things like someone touching their stuff, or the office temperature being changed, or someone using the hot water in the kettle, and in the long run it hurt their reputations and their careers.

    2. WakeRed*

      I appreciate the empathy here. I’m not great at regulating what I eat, to the point where I can’t keep too many snacks or second breakfasts in my work drawer because I will eat them all in the space of a week; I keep those snacks in a colleague’s desk about as far away from mine as you can get. They’re a lovely friend for letting me store food in their space, it’s a gift. And I’ve replaced our office chocolate with cough drops and peppermints, because I am not good at summoning the willpower to resist chocolate. Even the stuff I don’t like or whose contents hurt my stomach. OP’s coworker crossed a line in touching your stuff, but it sounds like this is an old conversation the two have been having. I hope they can find a way to make peace, but of course the coworker has to meet OP somewhere.

  36. Rosa Diaz*

    The candy dish hater is in the wrong. And things don’t change for the better if you always give in to the wrong person when you’re right. That’s ridiculous. It’s on her to control herself. Everyone else enjoys it and she shouldn’t be moving, hiding, or throwing away another person’s property, unless she wants OP to start throwing away stuff on her desk.

      1. CheeseNurse*

        I would be so incredibly annoyed if a direct report came to me to complain about a candy dish and on-going, ridiculous argument about candy.

          1. smoke tree*

            But at the same time, it’s candy and this is work. If she throws away the candy, the LW can stop bringing in candy and know in her heart that the coworker is a ridiculous and rude person. But this isn’t worth bothering anyone else about.

            1. alienor*

              Really to me, threatening to throw the candy away is a big red line–think how angry people would be if an employer decided to make an “only healthy food in the office rule” and threw away anything they saw on someone’s desk and deemed “unhealthy.” Not only is it no one’s business if I choose to have candy on my desk or not, but candy costs money (not a lot, but it does) and I would have a big, big problem with someone throwing away something I’d spent my money on

              1. smoke tree*

                I mean, the LW would be totally justified in being pissed off about it and thinking less of her coworker. But I don’t think escalating to management would really get any meaningful resolution and would probably just annoy her manager.

        3. a1*

          I would internally roll my eyes if someone came to me to complain about someone else having candy out on their desk and refusing to keep it in a drawer.

          I would be very concerned if someone came to me because someone else was moving their things, opening drawers, etc or throwing things out. “Just because it’s candy” is such an odd argument for not taking seriously the fact that there is someone in the office that has no problem taking other people’s things. What if it was OPs lunch instead of candy? what if it’s the candy dish? where is this arbitrary line drawn? at what point is it no longer a “just” a whatever and an actual problem. What happens the next time CW sees something unattended – maybe a dessert tray with lunch – decides the temptation is too much and hides it all. It worked with the candy, so apparently it’s OK to move stuff that’s not yours.

          1. Kevlar*

            +1

            Coworker opted to violate boundaries rather than directly and respectfully ask OP about an alternative. When OP tried to establish boundary, coworker doubled down and threatened to violate it by throwing the candy away. Now if OP wants to try and maintain the boundary regardless of accommodating coworker, she’ll be thought of as equally childish and petty? Why? Why is wanting to calmly and firmly hold a boundary about something that potentially makes OP uncomfortable so “petty”? If coworker escalates by continuing to test boundaries, what is OP to do?

            I guess my question is the same as yours a1. Where is the line when a manager should become involved who won’t just casually dismiss both parties? This seems like a good opportunity to set a precedent and reality check both employees. If it continues afterwards, sure, that’s fair to then question both parties’ judgement. However, to question their judgement without full context or information and reduce it to “just candy” seems rudely dismissive.

      2. LiveAndLetDie*

        You’d have to be an absolute Gandalf of words to make that complaint to management without coming across as a ridiculous person who cannot manage petty interpersonal drama.

        I do think that if OP makes an effort with Jane to come to some sort of compromise and Jane keeps hard-lining (to the point of throwing things away and repeatedly going into OP’s desk), it may POSSIBLY, MAYBE be something you could bring to a manager in terms of “I have tried to handle this on my own, but Jane is being persistent, and has actually thrown away things off my desk while I haven’t been here,” but even then unless your boss is extremely patient you’re putting your own reputation on the line as well.

  37. Kailia*

    So, I teach. It’s hard for me to not dig my heels in with students sometimes, when they come at me with things like “because *totally dumb excuse* I didn’t *do something worth points* so you need to *let me/give me whatever**”. I’ve trained myself to reframe these questions/requests, so I can be fair and equitable to all my students. If a student came at me with honesty and humility about something, I’d probably be fine doing what they asked or at least working out a compromise. When a student comes at me with the script above, I really, really want to dig in and teach them some sort of lesson, rooted in “nope nope nopity nopity nope.” When I take a step back, avoid reacting, and think about, the lesson is usually telling them to rephrase, but not getting offended/insulted/stuck on the principle of “your inability to do something on time is not my problem and I don’t need to do anything.” It’s hard to separate problems sometimes, and, for me, my problem with a student being rude isn’t the same as my problem with a student turning work in late. I have to focus on the problem I want to fix.

    So. Is this a hill to die on? For me, someone tampering with my desk multiple times and then arguing about how they were justified to do so might be, to be honest. But the candy dish itself? No. I’d move it, change the container, whatever. Because if she’d come at it with respect and humility, it probably wouldn’t be an issue. The issue is the desk tampering and boundary stomping, which may need to be addressed separately.

    2. VivaL*

      I was just chiming in to say this. Compromise on the candy dish sure, because yes, sometimes Being Right (TM) is not as important as practicing empathy.

      BUT her complete denial of her boundary crossing behavior and her *doubling down* on it would aggravate me right the heck off. I’m not sure how I would address it though bc to me there’s only one answer: Thou Shalt Not Touch My Stuff and I have a feeling that to her there’s only I Have A Right and the two are mutually exclusive.

      Will have to think about this bc my first instinct is the same as yours! Good thread.

  38. alllisson*

    I would glue the dish to my desk or replace it with a really heavy or big one that won’t fit in a drawer

    1. Guava*

      Honestly, this is the best application I’ve ever seen for one of those Halloween bowls with the creepy hand on the motion sensor that grasps at you and unleashes evil laughter every time someone reaches for a piece of candy.

    2. Anon E. Mouse*

      I came here just for the super glue comments so I wouldn’t feel so alone in the temptation to do so.

    2. I Wrote This in the Bathroom*

      My first thought was “a dish full of kale”.

      (would totally snack on it, by the way.)

      (Still would be passive-aggressive. Don’t actually bring in a kale dish, OP.)

      2. The Guacamolier*

        I need you to know right now that my office candy dish (which is a storm trooper head) is full of these pink/lavender/white marshmallow twists. They were 49 cents for like 300 of them. They were clearance Halloween candy. I didn’t realize that there’s a very small image of a silhouetted witch on a broom on the wrapper. I have had so. Many. People. Complain about the free candy I bought for them! (My candy dish is public-facing.) They demand to know what it is. Confusingly, several people have asked me if they’re dog treats. (?????) Multiple people have said “Yuck” and put the candy back. I have a huge bag of Hershey’s kisses ready to go but I’m not putting them out till all the unicorn tails are gone. I feel like this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GzfwsjEpWtM

  40. MommyMD*

    I’d get an opaque candy bowl and lock my desk drawers and call it a day. Going into your private desk is a big boundary violation. We are all responsible for our actions. Everyday I have to look at candy, doughnuts, chips. I want it so bad. I would never say don’t bring it in. It’s for everyone. I have to make a conscious decision to walk away. That’s being an adult. There is temptation all around and it’s up to us personally to manage it.

  41. Currently Bill*

    Would it help to just tell her she wasn’t allowed to take anything from the candy dish? Perhaps some temptation comes from knowing candy is an option. If it’s prohibited and requires her to break a rule and “steal” candy, maybe that makes it easier to resist.

      1. Free Meerkats*

        Sort of like the problem gamblers who have themselves trespassed from casinos? They can literally be arrested for being in the casino.

    2. Student*

      Yes! With a steely look: “Jane, let me make myself perfectly clear. What’s on my desk is my personal property, and I don’t want you touching my candy or candy bowl for any reason. You aren’t invited to eat any and you are certainly not authorized to handle or disturb it.”

      Obviously, don’t actually do this unless you want to start a war. But feel free to imagine it in your heart of hearts.

    3. TootsNYC*

      I have offered to do that for people, if I brought baked goods in and they said, “I’m trying not to eat treats.” I’ve said, “Oh, then these aren’t for you; they’re for everyone else.” or, “would it help if I forbid you from eating them?”

  42. Former Retail Manager*

    I’d personally be inclined to keep the candy dish, as is. I don’t err on the side of compromise with Jane because I’d be concerned it would set a precedent/open the door for Jane to make additional demands regarding food in the future. Where do you draw the line? If Jane gets her way this time, what’s to stop her from then saying she just can’t help herself around cake, cookies, cupcakes, etc and would like for office celebrations to not include those items in the future? Perhaps this isn’t an issue at OP’s office, but in my office there is usually some type of baked good at least weekly. Also, is food present at meetings? Can Jane also not help herself around bagels, donuts, croissants, etc.? Again, maybe OP’s office isn’t like that and it’s just the candy dish, but if that isn’t the case, I would be concerned that she’d view concessions as a door to allow her to make additional requests of others in the future.

    To be clear, I fully understand where Jane is coming from. We all have our struggles. But they’re her struggles. And it’s on her to deal with them, not to ask her co-workers to deal with them.

  43. Delphine*

    OP, it seems like your coworker struggles with impulse control in general. The impulse to eat the candy, the impulse to mess with other people’s possessions without permission… The easiest way to resolve this would be to meet her in the middle. Get an opaque jar so that she can’t see it and shield it with something else on your desk. Your coworker was rude, entitled, and approached this poorly, but it’s not worth stressing yourself out over.

  44. Misha*

    I have nothing to add to Allison’s answer, as it’s spot on, but wanted to share my anecdote of this same scenario with …different… results:

    I worked at a charity with front-line services and a sponsorship from a major candy company. One of their gifts-in-kind was (surprise!) boxes and boxes of their candy to use at events, have out for clients, staff, etc. One coworker was VERY bothered by this and complained constantly that the candy set out was unhealthy, made it difficult for her to resist temptation, etc etc. Not necessarily unreasonable, but it became excessive and someone eventually commented that she needed to address this with a supervisor or other manager if it was this serious of an issue.

    …So she booked a meeting with the CEO and requested that CEO install locked cabinetry for all the candy, of which only our office manager could access when someone made a written request, and that requesters be informed they were not allowed to leave candy out in visible sight (unless it was in a client room, in which case it needed to be removed in between sessions). To do otherwise would be discrimination against her mental illness (an impulse control disorder).

    1. Important Moi*

      Was this implemented? If so, how? How was this received by your co-workers? How long did this last? We need details …

      1. Misha*

        CEO was not impressed because the employee requested the meeting by being intentionally vague (more or less gave the implication that it was something very serious/sensitive, ie. harassment or a legal issue). It was not implemented – the CEO asked to involve HR to more formally “assess” the situation and the employee totally balked and said that wasn’t necessary, this request was all that should be needed, otherwise she’d leave… so she left!

        Found out after the fact there were a lot of other issues going on behind the scenes with her (bullying, very poor performance with repeated interventions, etc.) so I think they would have honestly started making moves to fire her otherwise.

  45. Agent J*

    This might be an escalation but can you have a quick “I’m going to keep it 100 with you” conversation with her about the candy?

    “Hey Jane. I understand that you’re trying to avoid eating candy and the candy jar is a temptation for you. I want to be supportive of that but moving items off my desk is a strong issue for me. Can we compromise here? If I [move the candy jar when I’m not at my desk / fill it with a candy you don’t like / some other compromise], can you please stop removing the candy jar from my desk? Cool? kthanksbye.”

    I think it addresses her needs while also letting her know that her behavior is Not Okay.

  46. Anon for this*

    While I agree with Alison’s advice and that the LW is in the right, I think it’s strange and contradictory that LW says she would leave peanut candy out of the dish in consideration of a hypothetical coworker’s peanut allergy, but is pretty unsympathetic to her actual coworker’s unnamed struggles with eating healthy. They could be related to an eating disorder or a serious health issue, and I would think the same logic should inform the LW’s decision as to leave candy in this person’s line of sight or not.

    1. valentine*

      Most chocolate I buy warns that it’s produced in a plant and on machinery that also produces nut-containing products. Changing the contents to nut-allergy-safe candy doesn’t stop it being a candy dish. Should several people assign themselves the task of designated disher so Coworker doesn’t have to obsess?

  47. Root Causes*

    Your co-worker may not have expressed it well but have you considered that a majority of your community may agree with her and are just too nice to say something about it? What I’m trying to say is that you seem to believe you are offering a community service that may not actually be a service. Most people won’t come out and say it (or hide the dish) but I highly doubt she is the only person who dislikes the readily available candy or would simply just prefer it not being there. In fact, I would argue that she could very well be in the majority.

    Don’t let people “expressing happiness” make you think they appreciate the service you are providing. Just because you express that you are happy in the moment to grab a piece of candy does not mean you are *actually* happy about having eaten the candy and having it readily available. People could just be saying a sweet nothing to alleviate the awkwardness of just silently taking a piece of candy from your desk.

    Also, having a vending machine in the office does not equal a candy dish. A candy dish is something you can grab from on a walk-by without much thinking or conscious action. A vending machine requires that you get out your wallet, walk purposefully to the machine, insert payment and make a selection about the treat you are eating. Those are two very different processes even if the outcome is the same.

    So, as a person who does not struggle with my weight/disordered eating and expresses happiness when I grab candy from the candy dish, I would still vote overwhelmingly for no candy dish.

      1. valentine*

        OP is not a candy pusher. If the coworkers would be happier candy-free, they can stop contributing, leaving OP the only one doing so, leaving the dish empty for days at a time.

    2. INeedANap*

      I’m not entirely sure I understand your comment; are you saying that OP should not assume that just because people SAY they’re happy the candy is there, that they are actually not happy it is there?That OP should try and interpret someone’s statement to discover whether they actually mean the exact opposite of that statement?

      That seems… like an enormous amount of emotional labor to ask someone to do, especially at work.

      1. WellRed*

        I think what Root is saying is like, all those letters that say things like ” no one has ever complained about me bringing my dog to the office” doesn’t mean that they aren’t bothered by it.

        1. SarahTheEntwife*

          But if all your coworkers said “thanks for bringing in Fido; I love seeing his snuffly little nose!”, would we be saying to consider that they might secretly be resentful? The OP’s coworkers expressed happiness at the candy.

    3. Just Employed Here*

      I think it’s a bit infantilizing to suggest that people expressing happiness aren’t happy. The OP isn’t shoving their hands into the candy dish or anything. If they don’t want candy, they can just “walk purposefully” past the dish.

      I think Alison’s advice is spot on, but the more comments I read making this OP’s problem (when it’s really coworker’s problem), the less I feel OP is obliged to change anything in this setup.

    4. Roscoe*

      Lets say its 50/50. Then what? No one is being forced to take candy. Its not disruptive. So if half the people don’t like it, and half do, well too bad for the ones who don’t.

    5. Gadget Hackwrench*

      “Don’t let people “expressing happiness” make you think they appreciate the service you are providing.”

      This is a ridiculous statement. Is it POSSIBLE that the majority of people don’t want a candy dish, but express happiness about it anyway: yes. Is it OP’s responsibility then to assume all happiness expressed is false? NO! These are adults, and the reasonable thing to do is to assume unless given darn good reason otherwise that your co-workers are being honest with you, NOT to assume that they are lying and discard a candy dish that they also may very will ACTUALLY be happy about.

  49. Countess Boochie Flagrante*

    I feel like this is one of the letters where the advice that is helpful is hugely dependent on who is writing in.

    The coworker was absolutely, 100% the one behaving badly in this scenario, and if she’d been the one to write in, I think that “hey, that is super uncool, you need to not do that ever again and also not make your behavior into someone else’s problem” is the right answer. But I don’t think that’s good advice to give the OP, because that isn’t actionable.

    I’m seeing a lot of focus in the responses on what is right, what the OP is or isn’t obligated to do, where responsibility lies, and I think this focus is not quite right for the situation. It’s within the OP’s power to escalate, de-escalate, or leave the situation where it is, and I think it’s more helpful, in terms of what will present a long-term improvement to the situation, to look at things in those terms rather than to talk about where the justification falls.

    Obviously, the ideal solution would be if the coworker apologized to the OP and took whatever steps were needed to better manage her ability to resist this particular temptation — and if the coworker had written in, that’s what I’d tell her to do. But she’s not here.

    For the OP, I would encourage doing the thoughtful, de-escalating thing by looking for a way to reduce the accessibility of the candy jar, or at least its visibility. An opaque candy jar is a good suggestion. One I’ve seen in my office as well has been to move communal candy jars so they’re a little ways back from the main aisles of the office — for the people who aren’t sitting right next to them, you have to take a few steps out of the way to get to the candy jar rather than dipping a hand in as you walk past, and that has made a huge difference in utilization as well, while keeping the candy itself obviously available to anyone who wants some.

    I might also encourage another talk with the coworker, at a moment that’s less obviously heated. Emphasize that messing with other people’s stuff, including going into desk drawers, is Extremely Not Okay and you do want to make sure that never happens again — I would personally lean quite hard on this point, because that’s where she crossed the line from rude into appalling.

    1. The Very Worst Wolf*

      Well put! We all seem to want to confirm that Coworker was out of line, while many still feel that OP should certainly consider modifying her candy dish approach as well.

    6. Kevlar*

      Thanks for this comment. I think it’s possible to both accommodate and still establish the boundary.

    7. Electric Sheep*

      “It’s within the OP’s power to escalate, de-escalate, or leave the situation where it is, and I think it’s more helpful, in terms of what will present a long-term improvement to the situation, to look at things in those terms rather than to talk about where the justification falls.”

      So well put, as well as the advice about the later follow up.

  50. MP*

    Random story about a candy dish. I worked with/for this horror show of a woman many years ago – extremely into fitness/dieting and would often give me a once over and scowl. I *think* because I was pretty fat at the time, but maybe that was my imagination or she didn’t like my clothes (which were awesome, that can’t be it!). So she took dieting to a new level – she did intermittent fasting. So nothing – no water, coffee, food, anything – during the day.
    She then had a three hour window in the evening where she would eat. She talked about this a lot and would do odd things like skip holiday parties to avoid food. Yet – SHE KEPT A CANDY DISH ON HER DESK. Mind-blowing, how did she do that? WHY did she do that? Crazy pants. Mind you, I never took a piece because I would be terrified of the sure judgement that would follow.

    Also, remembering more about this office. One guy kept a scale in his office and talked about weighing himself every morning. What kind of weird disordered-eating place was I in?

    1. irene adler*

      No water???? Too many calories, I guess. **wink!**

      I’m guessing here, but the candy dish on Ms. Ultra Fit’s desk is designed for her to watch those who would indulge and then think to herself “Ha! I’m better than you are for I do not consume the candy.”

      I don’t get why one would share one’s diet, scale, exercise, etc. practices with office mates.
      (not that I don’t struggle with these things myself. I do. But not gonna share that!)

      1. valentine*

        I don’t get why one would share one’s diet, scale, exercise, etc. practices with office mates
        Captive audience.

    2. Not that into candy*

      I’ve looked into intermittent fasting and her version is EXTREME. You are allowed water and coffee on non-feeding hours.

      I also wonder how much she would actually eat in the three hour feeding window because this sounds unhealthy. Did you work for a company in the fitness industry?

  51. HS Teacher*

    I work with a wonderful group of people, but one of the things they do that drives me crazy is bring in a ton of junk food. I mean it’s everywhere. That’s fine for people who have self control. I have none. I really wish I could ask that people stop bringing in so much junk without being seen as a spoil-sport. As of yet I haven’t figured out a way to do it.
    I don’t begrudge people bringing in treats; I just wish people were more cognizant of the fact that not everyone handles temptation well.

    1. valentine*

      You have enough self-control not to consume it all. Why not bring in something you enjoy more, as an alternative? Your body, your rules. I can’t be policing people, especially at work.

    2. starsaphire*

      On the other hand, for some of us, bringing in treats IS a form of self-control.

      I have two friends who, like me, love to bake. Love the creative expression, love the tactile rituals of baking, love the lizard-brain rush at the aromas.

      However, none of us should be eating entire cakes/entire batches of cookies. But one of us lives alone, and one of us lives with someone who can’t have any of these sweet treats at all.

      The solution is not to bake an entire cake, eat one piece, and then throw it away. The solution is to bake an entire cake, wrap it up and take it to work, eat one piece with your morning coffee, and watch the engineers’ eyes light up and listen to them tell you how awesome you are as they descend like locusts on your lovely cake.

      That’s self-control, for some of us.

      1. Tisiphone*

        Oh yes! I loves me some homemade chocolate chip cookies. I love the smell, I love the raw cookie dough. I love the extra gooeyness of slightly undercooked cookies – I watch the oven like a hawk when I bake so that they’re just at the point of gooey perfection.

        But there’s only one of me. Therefore, I take them to work.

  52. Annie*

    I am probably not a nice person. But, my desk is my space. I know where everything is and people digging through my stuff for no reason tends to make me dig my heels in.

    I might just be inclined to stop the communal dish and tell everyone that Jane could no control herself, so it has to go.

    1. The Very Worst Wolf*

      No doubt Jane should never have moved the dish or gone into OP’s drawer. However, announcing that Jane couldn’t control herself would be horrid optics for the person who said it. In a healthy work environment, that type of comment would come off as reactionary and unprofessional at best, and petty and immature to most. It skips the actual problem (Jane went into my desk without my knowledge or permission) and makes cruel fun of a coworker’s genuine struggle (to establish and maintain a healthy diet).

  53. Consuela Schlepkiss*

    This read like a problem with compulsive behavior more generally to me. The coworker has compulsions to eat the candy (this is so much more than a willpower problem!), and clearly feels compelled to move the dish even against the OP’s wishes. I am reading this as a person who has had some seriously disordered compulsive eating problems in the past.

    That makes this feel much different to me. The OP is in a bad position here – any response she chooses may feed into one of the compulsive aspects of coworker’s behavior – having the candy out will feed into her compulsion to want it, while hiding may reward her sense that her compulsive desire to move the dish is actually a proper response.

    I don’t really know what to do with this, except that I think OP should not give in to her, at least not completely. This seems like so much more than a go-along-to-get-along issue. If I were OP, I might actually chat with my manager about how they wanted me to handle it just to protect myself.

    1. valentine*

      hiding may reward her sense that her compulsive desire to move the dish is actually a proper response
      Now that you mention this, it reminds me of the office where TPTB accommodate someone by insisting on no patterned clothing, balanced (if not matching) jewelry, and employees lining up at the bus stop according to assumed gender.

      1. Consuela Schlepkiss*

        Yeah, this was twigging my memory of that situation. I know I could be completely off about the motivations here, but coworker seems so driven to have her way. I’d just want to have a little coverage if I were OP, honestly. If the boss said to make a compromise of some specific type, I would as a sign I am making a good faith effort, and she then can respond however and it becomes boss’s problem.

  54. Rikki Tikki Tarantula*

    Compromise by filling the bowl with nasty candy no one in their right mind would want, like Necco Wafers.

    1. animaniactoo*

      I would eat every last one of them. Except that one flavor. I’ll let others have the joy of it. Somebody’s gotta like em.

    3. Episkey*

      HA ha! I was going to say something similar. How about black jelly beans?? I would eat them all though!

    4. Not All*

      Hahahahaha

      When I found out Necco was going under I immediately went to the store & bought out the entire supply (about a case) which I then carefully rationed my consumption of until I was assured they had been bought & would be back into production!

  55. The Very Worst Wolf*

    I’m going to bypass the general consensus that a) OP’s coworker has handled this poorly; and b) we don’t all agree about whether candy dishes belong at work. Instead, I’ll assume the dish (in some format) is going to stay and offer a few alternatives that may be a bit more considerate to those who want to avoid sugar – whether for personal or medical reasons.

    OP could: Fill the dish with mints instead of candy; Place mini water bottles out for coworkers instead of food; Offer sugar-free candy in the dish; Replace candy with dried fruit and/or nuts; Replace the dish with a jar & lid (the mere act of opening a jar can help a person stick to their dietary goals); Fill the dish with a type of candy that OP’s coworker doesn’t like; Tuck away the jar when coworker is away (I don’t like the last two as much as they put the burden on OP and/or don’t help others in the office who may quietly agree with coworker).

    It seems to me that there are many options that will make your snack-happy coworkers content without triggering your diet-conscious coworker(s). Either way, what is meant to be a kind gesture to the crowd shouldn’t become a point of angst for a few – and while OP is certainly not responsible for her coworker’s diet, her coworker’s plight is common enough that she is probably not alone.

    1. The Gollux (Not a Mere Device)*

      If you decide to offer sugar-free candies, please have a list of ingredients handy; people have allergies and sensitivities to all sorts of things. Aspartame/neutrasweet is a known issue, but I know someone who can’t have most of the sugar alcohols, including xylitol, and I may be allergic to stevia. So that plan might make the dish-moving coworker happy because she could have candy, and the cost of a non-complainer who will now have to avoid the candy dish.

      Providing foods that are suitable for a variety of diets and sensitivities is good, but there is no food that is the right choice for everyone, and sometimes the believed-“healthy” choice is worse for someone than what it’s replacing.

      1. Emily*

        Yeah, or at least note somewhere (visible and hard to miss!) that the candy is sugar-free, so that people with issues with any of the artificial sweeteners can avoid it.

  56. LaDeeDa*

    I have read this letter 5 times and have read a majority of the comments. My reaction is 1. I don’t care if you have an issue with X kind of food, unless it is an allergy- I have ZERO responsibility to keep you from consuming that food. And 2. You have no right to touch anything, remove anything, or alter anything on anyone’s desk.
    The admins in my office all have candy dishes on their desks, at 3:00, whenever I am on site, I go cruising to see who has some candy I want to eat…. it isn’t their fault that I have gained 5 lbs… and it isn’t their JOB to restrict my candy consumption.

    2. Brandy*

      Well said. I wish there was a like button on here. Some people place their own Keuring on their desks with pods or tea packs. Would anyone have the right to sweep all that off a coworkers desk if they were trying to give up coffee or tea? Its the same with anything. Anything can replace candy. My desk is my desk.

      1. Roscoe*

        According to most of these comments, yes, it would be totally fine to do that. And if you DIDN’T than you lack compassion. Its absurd.

      2. Sabina*

        I made a comment about my problem with coffee above. I LOVES it, it HATES me (kills my stomach, makes my heart flip-flop). It is COMPLETELY my problem to avoid something I know is bad for me…no one else’s.

    3. Latecomer*

      This.

      I can’t believe all the expense and emotional labor so many people here are expecting LW to put out just to accommodate this person. Buy a new candy jar! Buy healthy food! Provide a list of the ingredients! Sod off. I wonder how many people would expect this of a male employee? I’m not your damn mommy.

  57. PersonCommentingonthis*

    Wow. I don’t even know. I wish the OP could ask her coworker if she was stupid? She got the job, somebody hired her… she’s sitting there doing something for money and she will go and remove and throw away CANDY from her co-worker’s desk??? SMH.

  58. Candy*

    This may be more appropriate for the Friday open post, but what should you do if a coworker like this does start throwing your things away? It’s shocking to me that Jane would even suggest it and escalating over a candy dish feels foolish but it also feels like a boundary violation that shouldn’t have to be tolerated.

    1. fposte*

      Depending on the situation, it’s either a statement not to do that again or I’ll need to loop the manager in, or I just go to the manager. “I threw out your pencil”–TF, dude? Don’t do that again. “I threw out your lovely glass candy dish/desk decor I loathed”–I go to the manager.

    2. Not Australian*

      Someone did throw away something of mine once, and I found out about it. I left her a note saying “Look out, there’s a thief stealing stuff from our desks – I had something taken only yesterday.” My stuff was never touched again.

  59. Hmmmmm*

    OP, it’s your right to put the candy on your desk. Yet you are doing so, presumably, to foster a more cordial workplace. Although lots of people have told you how happy they are with the candy dish, is it really likely that anyone who was NOT happy would walk by your desk and say how much they hate it?

    But if you’re so sure your candy dish is a social good, why not put your conviction to the test and ask your coworkers in a *neutral* tone how they feel about it? Work cultures can change.

  60. Observer*

    OP, I haven’t read all of the comments yet, but I do want to say something very strongly.

    Your coworker was wrong and handled the situation very badly. But for you to deliberately make it a point to make sure that the dish is always full just to spite her is worse that what she did.

    It wold be ok for you to just not change anything, although ideally you’d make a small effort to obscure the candy a bit. But when you go from there to specifically keeping it full BECAUSE of her you go to spiteful and childish.

    Also, if you really want to keep providing the candy, realize that a reasonable boss is unlikely to tell you to remove the dish if you’re just doing what you’ve always been doing. But when you go over to getting actually spiteful, the same reasonable manager is far more likely to tell you to get rid of it.

    As others have noted, you are basically right. But you can still do the right thing and that’s trying to accommodate your coworker a bit.

    1. fposte*

      Yeah, I’m not a fan of spite actions myself. This is not Co-Worker Deathmatch here, complete with stirring music. It’s two people who’ve annoyed each other. Ironically, the person who thinks of it in terms of winning and losing has lost just by doing that.

    2. Roscoe*

      Where are you getting that filling the bowl is spiteful? If she was always keeping the bowl full, how is it any different now?

      1. Observer*

        Because the OP specifically asks if it’s ok to respond by making sure that the bowl is never empty, unlike in the past. (Read the letter – the OP specifically states that the bowl is sometimes empty.)

      2. Eliza*

        The OP wasn’t always keeping the bowl full, though. From the first paragraph: “It can go long stretches being empty.” Purposely changing one’s behaviour to keep the bowl full at all times out of spite would indeed be kind of a weird thing to do.

  61. animaniactoo*

    “Jane, I’m not happy with how you’ve approached this, because you’ve taken something that’s mine, on my desk, and shared with the office and unilaterally without discussion decided how it should be managed. That’s just… more rights over this than you have.

    That said, I get that you’re having a struggle and I’m not trying to contribute to it. If you’re open to it, I’m willing to talk to you about what other options we might be able to agree on – but please note that you simply removing the dish from my desk when I’m out of the office for a bit is not going to be one of them. Okay?”

    And then get down to brass tacks. What makes the temptation too much? Is it line of sight? Is it knowing that it’s there? Is it that it’s always candy when you fill it? Are there other treats available that you guys can agree on from time to time to rotate what snack is in it? Will a different kind of “candy dish” where the contents are not so visible help?

    If she won’t discuss it and work with you, I suggest not going to war… but not giving in either. Find a nearby co-worker (in the other direction from Jane), and ask if they’d be willing to be the designated keeper of the candy dish when you’re out of the office so that it can be left out without Jane putting it away.

    If that doesn’t work, that’s the point at which I would just give up. Only because you’re going to want to pick your battles and this is not one you want to choose when at some point in the future it could be about something much more serious and you are not going to want the rep as the person who has a history of fighting about dumb stuff. It will make them take you much less seriously. Which, if you really need it – is the downside for Jane to what she’s doing. At some point in the future, this and other stuff like this that she handles badly is going to come back and bite her in the ass. Hard.

    1. TootsNYC*

      I’ll tell you this–if I were the manager and found out the OP and Jane were having a fight about the candy dish, I’d simply say, “No more candy dish. Problem solved.”

      So that’s the motive for figuring something out.

      And moving the candy dish to a “partner” when the OP is out will probably work pretty well for Jane, because again, it’ll be “attended” and therefore easier to walk past.

      1. a1*

        But they wouldn’t be fighting over a candy dish. They’d be fighting over someone repeatedly violating OPs personal stuff, moving things around, opening drawers, threatening to continue to do so even after being asked not to, and then escalating to throwing things out. How would you feel if someone else did that to you? No matter what the item was – it could be a picture, your pens, your lunch, your coffee mug, etc – that’s just wrong. We see people get really upset about people moving or taking their coffee mugs all the time, even when it was completely innocent (like thinking it was a company mug). This is not different. Just because CW says it’s about candy doesn’t change this at all. And then, if she does actually follow through and throws out someone else’s belongings, that’s a HUGE violation. As a manager I’d certainly want to know if one of my employees was doing this. And as a coworker I wouldn’t want to work with someone that throws out other people’s things – even if it is *just* candy and a candy dish that they’re throwing out. What would they throw of mine, if the urge hit them?

        Also, unrelated to all that. CW sits 2 desks away. Even in an open office plan I can’t imagine how the candy dish could be in her sight all the time. There’d be at least other people, computers, etc in the way. (And I don’t think OP said this was an open office plan).

        1. animaniactoo*

          It is an open office plan, however while yes the fight is over the repeatedly violating the OP’s stuff, having that fight over the candy dish is the kind of “wrong time to push the issue” thing. Because those of us who are really clear about boundaries understand that and those of us who aren’t really clear about boundaries not only DON’T get that, we’re not going to get it during this particular fight. Where there is sympathy for a co-worker trying to manage a temptation problem and candy is “bad”. Which makes it a fight about a candy dish, no matter what the underlying issues are.

          In your personal relationships, when the stakes are high, you go find and solve the underlying issues. In the office when you’re just there to get along and get the job done? You just may not have time for that beyond some initial attempts at it. Can’t do it without poisoning the perception of you.

        2. TootsNYC*

          the coworker is not repeatedly going into the OP’s desk and moving stuff around. She put the candy dish in a drawer; that’s it.

          They are too fighting about the candy dish.
          If you remove the candy dish, there is NOTHING to fight about, because the coworker will have no desire to move anything around on the OP’s desk.

          1. Jasnah*

            This! I don’t understand why people are jumping to “what else will she throw out” like she’s a compulsive desk-stealer-and-destroyer. The candy was the trigger, the candy is what is being fought over. I see no reason why the issue would continue if the candy was removed (except for the animosity coworker and OP now feel towards each other).

          2. a1*

            She did it twice! That’s a repeat. Then instead of apologizing, she threatened to do it again. And then pushed further and said she’d throw things out. Seriously, how are people glossing over this? I can’t believe so many people would be OK having someone threaten to keep doing something when asked not to, and then to double down on top of it. I’d have more sympathy, and I bet OP would too, if CW had apologized, agreed to stop moving her things, and then asked about a compromise. Or agreed that moving things was a boundary violation and then asked for a change or compromise. But to act like she was doing nothing wrong and getting angry over it? That’s odd. I can’t even get mad, I’d just be in disbelief. CW is the one that weirdly escalated this.

  62. JCB*

    Oh man, clearly most of you have never had an issue with feeling powerless around a certain food. I also have the candy addiction thing, and one of the worst periods of my life was when I was a receptionist required to keep a candy bowl on my desk (I begged my boss to let me get rid of it). Even on days I would try my hardest to avoid the candy, every time someone else came up and I could hear them rustling the wrappers, I would start salivating- it literally got to be a pavlovian response. I ate so much candy I had to actually remind myself that there were times I didn’t used to be eating the majority of my daily calories in mini snickers because I could no longer figure out how I lived without candy all the time. I worked there for a year and a half and was unable to kick the candy habit, I would last a day and a half at most. Then I left and went to a new job with no candy dish, and guess what, like magic- once it wasn’t in front of my face, I just never found myself eating it, and it wasn’t hard to avoid. If the coworker’s desk is within sight or hearing distance of everyone else’s little candy conversations, this means she’s having to use her willpower like a billion times a day. I encourage you guys to think about all the research studies that have been done about willpower and food environment, and how much they’ve concluded about environment making a huge difference. The vending machine is a completely different thing- down a hall she may not have to see 10-15 times a day, requires money, etc. And maybe think if this was any other addiction trigger, like a shelf of whiskey 8ft away from an alcoholic all day long, with people casually stopping by to make drinks all day, think about if your reaction would be different. It’s really snarky to just say “your willpower issue is your own to manage” if you wouldn’t say that to an addict of a different substance. You’d probably tell an alcoholic to avoid a party with booze if they felt it would be too triggering, and this is the same- except she *has* to go to work. I don’t agree with her antagonistic approach, but I think that the stress of sugar addiction is a very real thing and that her days are maybe substantially harder with it around, and that the people who like the candy dish (but apparently don’t like candy enough to want more than like a single piece on occasion) aren’t getting *that* big of a benefit from it, or maybe not enough to outweigh making her life harder- something to think about.

      1. valentine*

        She doesn’t have to go to that work. She can seek solutions that don’t convert coworkers to caregivers. The candy dish and OP are not the enemy. The phone call is coming from inside the house.

        1. JCB*

          Are you seriously suggesting it’s easier or more reasonable to ask one person to switch jobs to avoid this than to ask a different person to modify an optional treat? I mean, would her boss or the company even want that outcome if they like her work?
          It’s not a right to ask coworkers to factor your preferences into their environment, but it’s also not a right to have candy at work. They’re both just “nice” things when they work for everyone, and it’d be great if people could compromise on them.

    2. Lynn Marie*

      Yes. The letter writer has an opportunity to show some kindness and compassion here. If others in the office can take or leave the candy, why would they not show the co-worker some support for her problem and get rid of it? Be nice!

    3. Agent J*

      Admittedly, I’m on the “her willpower, her problem” side of this issue. But after reading the comments, I have a little more sympathy for the Coworker.

      It really comes down to Coworker handling this poorly. Whether it was a bad day or she was at her wit’s end about the candy, she lost a lot of goodwill with OP by not only removing the dish from her desk but also threatening to throw it away. It feels like an uncalled-for escalation.

      So I agree that OP’s best choice is to find a compromise and try to be more understanding of Coworker’s position. It’s hard to be the bigger person when someone doesn’t know how to communicate their needs without being aggressive or violating boundaries. I sympathize with her impulse control and her need to stand up for herself and her needs. But I understand why it’s hard for OP to sympathize with Coworker.

    4. Countess Boochie Flagrante*

      This is all very true.

      Something I’ve seen floating around the internet a few times:

      Addiction is a tiger.
      Alcohol addiction? Lock the tiger up and never let it out.
      Nicotine addiction? Lock the tiger up and never let it out.
      Food addiction? Take the tiger for walkies three times a day and hope it doesn’t eat you.

      This stuff is savage.

      1. Observer*

        Well, neither action makes any sense.

        The main reason that I think there is such a dichotomy on the response, though, I think, is because it IS possible for un-addicted people to survive without either alcohol or nicotine, whereas it is not possible to survive without food. And people with lesser levels of addiction can go fairly long periods without having nicotine or alcohol. So, it’s completely possible to ban nicotine or alcohol from the workplace etc. without making even the addict crazy. But you simply cannot do that with food.

        To make it worse, you also get the reverse as well – so much disorder around food comes out in judgement about other people’s food choices. And even people without formal disorders are incredibly judgemental about other people’s food choices. Look at how many people on this thread alone lambasted the OP for her choice to have a candy dish, aside from its effect on the CW. So, people tend to get a it defensive. Especially when the judgement is used to defend really inappropriate behavior, as in this case.

    5. fposte*

      Yeah, I know about this one personally myself; it’s an annoying side problem of my Crohn’s. But the thing is, it’s still generally on those of us with the problem to manage it.

      1. JCB*

        I mean totally, which is why I do things like use my willpower in the checkout aisle of the grocery store, have a mental rule of never using vending machines, etc. But I also do things to handle the problem like control my environment by not keeping it around me- which frankly is by far the most effective. And I would like to think that something that is a really big deal for me but optional for someone else (having occasional candy out, in sight when they could have candy in almost any other fashion that wouldn’t affect me as directly) would be something we could find a compromise. (Which is why I would never have gone about it like the coworker in this letter- I would have asked as a favor).

    6. Adam Ruins Everything*

      Uh, actually, *clearly* you have no idea what problems the commenters have and have not struggled with.

      1. JCB*

        Haha what? I mean, obviously, of course I don’t know what every commenter has dealt with.
        Are you telling me that you’re reading the majority of comments above mine and getting the sense that a lot of those commenters have personally dealt with this particular issue? Because I am not. It’s not supposed to be an insult, it’s just clear that most of the commenters don’t know how much work goes into fighting a food addiction.

        1. Adam Ruins Everything*

          I’m saying a sentence that basically boils down to “if you disagree with me, then you don’t know what you’re talking about” is a really rude opener, especially when you have no idea what the people you’re talking to have been through. Also, the phrase “food addiction” does not appear in the letter and might not even be the issue behind the conflict.

    7. MuseumChick*

      None of this gives her a pass on how she handled this. You don’t get to violate your co-worker’s desk just because you have addiction. You don’t get to dictate what foods others bring into the office. You don’t get to just make decisions about something communal just because you are having a struggle with something.

      If she had simply had one discussion with the OP it’s likely she would have gotten what she wanted. Instead she behaved inappropriately (as many addicts do). Addiction does not equal a free pass for behavior.

      1. JCB*

        Of course not! I totally agree. Which is why I said I don’t agree with her behavior. My response was more to the sentiment I was getting that was like, what’s the big deal? Just be a grownup and handle your shit around candy, it’s not that hard…. which is definitely not true for everyone and I wanted to point that out.

        1. MuseumChick*

          I just think people (on both sides) are getting to caught up on the detail that it’s a candy dish when the actually issue is one employee moving/taking things from another employee’s desk and then having an attitude when asked to stop.

          1. JCB*

            Ooh I actually disagree, because there’s no history of her doing this with any of OP’s other possessions. I think it is specifically the candy dish that is so difficult for her (and partly because it is meant to be communal, unlike OP’s lunch or something). She definitely shouldn’t have moved it and she definitely shouldn’t have had an attitude but honestly, I think if the candy dish wasn’t there tomorrow you wouldn’t find her touching anything else of OP’s.

            1. Someone Else*

              The fact that coworkers response was “if you don’t do what I said instead of hiding it I’ll throw it out” does say to me this is mostly a boundary issue. Coworker has decided that, however difficult this is for her, which I’m not unsympathetic to, she is entitled to both move and take OP’s stuff. That’s where this landed. And that’s what’s very very not OK. That OP thinks that in the first place is a problem. She didn’t do it with other belongings because she didn’t have an objection to other belongings, but the fact that her impulse was “I can do as I please with OP’s stuff” is very much the problem. Sure maybe tomorrow she won’t touch anything else…until/unless she has a problem with the something else.
              I’m thinking back to howler monkey toy letter earlier this week. That OP wanted to remove the monkey and there was a roaring chorus of “no! theft! understandable but petty impulse! you can be fired for that!” but because here it’s candy, coworker’s threatened to do this but OP’s sort of stuck not escalating it or else she’s dragged down with the coworker.

    8. Roscoe*

      I used to work at a place with beer fridays. If a recovering alcoholic decided to get rid of all the beer each week, that wouldn’t be cool either.

      I can sympathize and also say the co-worker is 100% in the wrong. If she is an addict (which she didn’t say, just that she has willpower issues) that doesn’t give her the right to be a jerk about it. If someone was a food addict, and someone brought in donuts, and they sat near the kitchen, that wouldn’t give that person a right to go toss out all the donuts.

    9. Observer*

      It’s not the OP’s job to manage her co-worker’s mental health. Yes, it’s good to be compassionate and some reasonable accommodations make sense. But DEMANDING that your coworkers change perfectly reasonable habits after you’ve already crossed a boundary and trying to essentially enforce your solution on them is not reasonable. It’s also ultimately not a solution to the problem. The minute you make someone else responsible for solving your problem, you’ve lost the battle.

      Your situation at the prior job is quite different, I would say.

    10. In recovery*

      I’m not sure if you know this, but that level of fixation on food is often a symptom of starvation. The urge to binge is the body’s way of trying to counteract restriction. You don’t have to be thin to be underfed—many people’s bodies just shut down more and more processes rather than catabolizing (using fat/muscle/etc. got energy). It might be worth bringing up with your doctor if you’re still struggling with this.

  63. Lynn Marie*

    I think it’s bizarre the letter writer has such an emotional need to keep a candy dish on her desk she’s willing to tussle like this with someone over it. Why the heck is this so important to her? Very weird.

      1. Adam Ruins Everything*

        I think it’s more about the fact that the coworker handled the situation really poorly. It’s not “i must have a candy dish on my desk,” it’s “if I take the candy dish off my desk, the rude, disrespectful, boundary-crossing coworker wins.” Yes, that’s juvenile, but it happens. If the coworker had asked nicely – or at all- about moving the dish, the letter writer would probably feel very differently.

    2. Celeste*

      That’s really the crux of it. There’s something she’s getting from it emotionally that she doesn’t discuss. It’s not about “everyone enjoying the candy”, it’s about her enjoyment of providing it. Why though?

    3. MuseumChick*

      I think this is very much not about the candy dish. The candy dish is just the “topic” the issue is the co-worker moving/taking things from the OP’s desk with out permission and then having an attitude when asked not to do that.

    4. Rusty Shackelford*

      Okay, picture this tug-of-war over literally anything else on your desk. Maybe you have one of those “magic eye” posters and they find they can’t stop staring at it. Maybe they’re trying to kick a coffee habit, and yours smells really good. Maybe every time they walk by your desk they see that Deadpool Funko Pop and it triggers them to get on reddit and argue about Deadpool vs Spiderman. And picture them hiding this item of yours because it influences them do to things they don’t want to do. Picture them threatening to throw it away if you don’t hide it when you’re gone. And now picture coming here to complain about that, and us saying “why the heck is it so important to have Deadpool on your desk; that’s so weird!”

      Bottom line… it’s not the candy that’s upsetting, it’s the coworker overstepping.

      1. Adam Ruins Everything*

        YEP. IT’s like when you’re a kid, and your sister borrows your sweater without asking. You would definitely have said “yes” had she asked, but because she didn’t ask, you’re enraged.

    5. Colette*

      I used to have a candy dish, and it gave me a chance to have brief conversations with coworkers I wouldn’t otherwise have seen much. I didn’t chat with them every time they came by, but sometimes I did, and it helped me build relationships.

    6. Name Required*

      You think it’s bizarre that adults want autonomy for their spaces at work, and to be treated with respect by their coworkers? (Because their emotional attachment isn’t to the candy dish.)

      1. Lynn Marie*

        To me, the letter writer is the one who is violating boundaries by bringing the candy in and refusing to let the co worker have any control over their shared environment.

        1. Rusty Shackelford*

          I’m all about courtesy in a shared environment, but my desk is not a part of the environment that is shared. As long as it’s not making noise, emitting an odor, flashing, or inappropriate for an office setting, you can ignore whatever’s on my desk, just like I’ll ignore whatever’s on your desk.

          1. Name Required*

            For real. OP doesn’t have nudie pictures on their desk, or a plaque with vulgar language. It’s candy! And OP isn’t refusing to let coworker have “any” control over their shared environment; just the specific area of OP’s desk. Coworker still has the right to control her own desk and her own eyeballs. Coworker doesn’t get to control ALL of their shared environment.

            I sympathize that it is hard to resist temptation (I’ve ate four of the communal cookies by the water cooler today), but it isn’t any less Coworker’s responsibility to find a solution that works for her. The idea that OP is violating boundaries by keeping candy on her own desk … I can’t. That’s so silly. Am I violating boundaries if I choose to eat pizza for lunch at my desk? What about drink soda? I have a shaker of grated cheese in the communal fridge right now; I guess I should count my blessings that a coworker hasn’t thrown it away since cheese is such a common temptation.

        2. Kevlar*

          Coworker doesn’t need control over their environment. She needs control of her own issues so they don’t affect their environment.

    7. Decima Dewey*

      For me it would be the personal space issue. I’m territorial. If I were to go on vacation and came back to find the mug I keep in a desk drawer soaking in the breakroom sink after someone else used it, I wouldn’t be happy.

    8. smoke tree*

      I think she’s just annoyed by the way her coworker is behaving, which is fair. The coworker took a completely counterproductive approach and she is trying to make the LW responsible for her diet. But I think the LW has to take a step back and decide whether she really wants the candy more than she wants her boss and coworkers to think she has a reasonable sense of proportion.

  64. Lindsay gee*

    Genuine question. What if the issue weren’t something edible on the desk, but some other item? I dunno, a tchatchky (no idea how to spell that lol) or a family picture and it bothered someone. To me it’s more about the violation of boundaries and the lack of dealing with it properly. I think people are getting relaly focused on the food/disordered eating/willpower thing when it ultimately is about someone going into someone else’s personal space and making modifications to that personal space. That’s not okay.

    1. The Very Worst Wolf*

      Well…it sort of is both. It’s a boundary issue, because OP deserves to hear that Jane was NOT okay in throwing away and hiding an item on OP’s desk. But OP is asking about how to handling things moving forward.

      Once you get past the initial shock of Jane’s boundary crossing behavior, you are left with a genuine question about personal autonomy vs professional courtesy to coworkers. When to plant one’s flag and when to keep the peace. What is an unreasonable accommodation and what is a thoughtful consideration? Etc. Because it’s related to issues of diet and ‘willpower’, people fall all over the map on this one.

    2. Scribbles*

      I think it’s important to keep in mind that it’s a communal candy dish. The intent isn’t “it’s something I have on my desk for my own benefit,” but “it’s something I have on my desk because I’m trying to do a nice thing for my coworkers.” Since the OP is trying to do something nice for others, it would also be nice of them to try to accommodate the coworker by putting it somewhere accessible but out of obvious view or by using a non-clear container as suggested by other posters. (I agree that the coworker has boundary issues though.)

    3. Database Developer Dude*

      Here’s a scenario, Lindsay:

      As a background to the scenario, I’m the OP from the ‘change my ringtone’ letter. I had a very dysfunctional workplace, and my ringtone was at 20-25% volume, with the theme from Beverly Hills Cop, while others in the office had much more jarring ringtones (like Release the Hounds) that they had at full blast. I was the only one asked to change because someone didn’t like it….

      What if someone in that scenario had been of a certain religion that has objections to Freemasonry, and they took my coffee mug with the Square and Compass off my desk and threw it out? Would that be different than a communal candy dish on my desk?

      This has actually happened to one of my Brothers at his workplace..which is why for me, this is not about candy.

      1. Sabina*

        I worked with a lady who had a co-worker complain about her desk calendar because it featured pictures by the Sierra Club. That was weird.

  65. Falling Diphthong*

    I just want to note that for people trying to moderate their intake of something easy to overdo, one valid method is to try and avoid the mindset that it is this grand forbidden thing and having one piece means you’re so so bad and you might as well eat the whole bag. So the office could have competing philosophies of what constitutes messing with your coworkers’ attempts to eat healthier.

    I think of it as the skinny pastry chef rule, people who are always surrounded by enough chocolate ganache to sculpt a life-size federal reserve chairman and so it loses its forbidden indulgence allure.

  66. square toes*

    Don’t know if this has been mentioned, but coworker can leave sugarless gum or snack of her choice on your desk, so that when she feels tempted by candy she can retrain herself to grab gum.

  67. Adalind*

    I don’t think OP is wrong in wanting items on her desk not to be touched and for having a community snack dish; however coworker is not wrong in trying to avoid temptation . They didn’t go about things in the correct manner.

    How I handle my candy jar on my desk – it’s out when I’m here. When I close up for the day or I’m off it’s locked in my drawer (mostly because things tend to go missing when left out). No one has complained and if they REALLY wanted a chocolate fix they could get my key and go in and get it, but it’s never happened. I don’t think it’s worth the aggravation and stress this is causing. I have a sibling who would probably devour the whole candy dish because that’s their weakness. I do not have that issue but certainly understand it. (a la JCB’s comments about willpower and addiction)

    Just talk to your coworker and I’m sure a compromise can be reached.

  68. lobsterp0t*

    This seems like an opportune time to remind everyone that no, NO ONE cares about your diet/weight loss journey/efforts to starve yourself in a totally healthy way amirite into a different physical shape.

    1. fposte*

      I think that’s a different hobby horse. There’s no indication that this is about shape, and weight loss isn’t even mentioned.

      1. valentine*

        NO ONE cares about your diet/weight loss journey/efforts
        There are people so obsessed, it’s a common form of abuse.

      2. Lobsterp0t*

        I mean, yes and no? I do understand this is about boundaries and violating them, but this specific issue is part and parcel of a pretty common tendency to try and get people to engage in group monitoring or ask for diet solidarity in the workplace. This happens a lot, especially this time of year, in explicit and implicit ways. It’s exhausting, harmful to a ton of people, and annoying as well as being totally irrelevant to work.

  69. AKchic*

    I’ve been the office candy dealer… for 8 years. I know how weird people can get around food.

    Was your coworker in the right? No.
    Can you be helpful? Sure. Do you want to be? Probably not considering how the coworker went about things. However, do you want to spend any office capital on this issue? Also probably not.

    So – get a different container. I used to have seasonal containers, some with lids, some without, that I would rotate. Fill the candy containers as you normally would. When you’re not in the office – put the container in a LOCKED drawer (lock your drawers whenever you’re out of the office). When asked (because you will be), be vaguely honest. You were told that by an officemate that they would throw your candy and your container away if you didn’t start hiding it from them because they didn’t feel they could control themselves without the appearance of a monitor looking over them to keep them on track, and you didn’t want to waste the money on the candy or the containers. Refuse to name names for the employee’s sake and say that you respect their commitment to their health and understand their concerns and feelings of helplessness with willpower, so you are acquiescing. You just wish they’d spoken to you prior to their pettiness and confrontation.

    Is my method petty? Oh, certainly. Is it passive aggressive? For sure. But, it still gives the coworker what they demanded, so they can’t say they didn’t “win”.

    1. Aurion*

      Or rotate who has the candy container. It’s on OP’s desk when they’re in. When OP’s out, John two desks over can hold onto the candy dish.

      Coworker doesn’t get to throw it out if John is watching, everyone else still gets their candy.

      And if Coworker still wants to rummage OP’s desk to insist the candy dish be stored away…well, that’s an entirely different problem.

      1. TootsNYC*

        I like this one–designate a candy-dish “partner.”
        And if you forget to move it to John’s desk and you’re out, tell Jane it’s OK to move the candy dish over to John.

        1. AKchic*

          The Janes of the world will not move the candy to secondary candy dealers. If they have to see/smell/touch the candy, it will go in the trash (I’ve dealt with these types). It is both power play / control and an exercise in willpower. If they can’t trust themselves not to abstain from candy without the “watchful eye” mentality keeping them from picking any from the dish, then picking up the dish at all is too much of a temptation. They will take some (and they probably did when they moved the dish to the drawer, and mentally beat themselves up for it afterward).

          I would, however, offer to be nice and buy some sugar-free candy specifically for them, and keep it aside. Maybe once a week, offer a piece and be specific and say “these are sugar free, I made sure for anyone with dietary limitations” (trust me, the diabetics in the office will appreciate this too).

  70. RPL*

    I’m a struggling binge-and-purger, and so I ended up sympathizing with the coworker in this question more than the LW. There are some foods that I genuinely cannot have near me or I will backslide hard, including a couple particular brands of candy. When I worked in an office where a coworker (sitting right next to me) had a candy dish and her favorite brand was one of the ones I struggle with, I had so. much. trouble. One memorable day, I was the only person in my department who was not at lunch, in a meeting, or just generally away from my desk–and I was already in a mentally bad place that day–so I grabbed a huge handful of candy, ate it all in a rush at my desk, and then spent part of my afternoon in the bathroom. It was…bad. I was so ashamed of myself afterward.

    So I understand the LW’s coworker’s impulse to just get the candy out of sight at all costs.

    That said, I never, ever would have tried to dictate what my coworker did with her candy dish. It was my problem, not hers, just like the LW’s coworker’s problem is hers alone, not LW’s. There’s also not much indication here that LW’s coworker has an eating disorder like mine, so I’m probably projecting needlessly.

    Still, LW, I think it’d be better to try finding a compromise instead of digging your heels in and buying more candy just to spite her. I like others’ suggestion of using an opaque dish or asking if there’s candy that isn’t as tempting. Your coworker went about it in pretty much the worst way possible, but that doesn’t change the reality of what she’s communicating, which is that your candy dish is causing her some degree of stress. Is it really worth upsetting her even more just to make a point?

  71. MoopySwarpet*

    I have my own private candy stash that I leave 3 floors down in a cupboard in a bowl inside a bag . . . because I will absent-mindedly plow through an entire bag of candy in a day, but still like an occasional sweet treat at work. This way I have to make a conscious effort to get candy. I have to really want it. I also keep healthier snacks right by the candy so if it’s more that I need a snack and less that I actually want sugar, I can make a healthier choice in the moment.

    I totally get where the co-worker is coming from. I think a good compromise would be a closed kind of container you can see through. If you have to go through the effort of twisting a lid off to even see if there’s anything in there, you’re less likely to just grab and go.

    While I think the co-worker is out of line in a lot of ways, I’d probably try to err on the side of compassion and find a compromise that works for you both.

  72. GivePeasaChance*

    If the candy dish is truly communal, then why not relocate it to someone else’s desk?
    It would still exist/be available to the community.

  73. Lana Kane*

    I do sympathize with the coworker’s larger issue, I really do. I hate candy dishes foe a similar reason.

    But what she did was Not Cool. She shouldn’t mess with people’s personal items, she shouldn’t have messed with OP’s desk, and she absolutely should not be threatening to throw it all away. The way she went about it is so entitled and rude that I would have dug in my heels in the heat of the moment too. If you let people treat you that way, they will keep it up.

    I would suggest this: offering some sort of compromise (I like the idea of some kind of container that hides the contents), and once it’s agreed upon, letting her know – very clearly – that she should never move OP’s stuff again, and to talk to her in the future. Because, again, that was Not Cool.

  74. Orange You Glad*

    I would compromise by hiding the bowl away when you are not at your desk (like put it away when you leave, take it out in the morning) and possible shifting the position so it’s not in coworker’s line of sight. That’s about it.

    I struggle with impulsively eating any food left out for free but I’m aware it’s not my problem. My company only rewards it’s employees for milestones with food related events (pizza, ice cream sundae parties, out to lunch for an anniversary, etc) and it’s a struggle for me to stay on my diet, but I don’t complain to anyone in charge because it’s not their problem I don’t have the self control to say ‘no’ to free pizza. Everyone else enjoys the free pizza so it’s not my place to make them change the policy. I just have to be aware of my problem and take steps to prevent eating poorly.

  75. irene adler*

    The OP has had the candy dish on the desk for YEARS.
    Twice in the last WEEK it has been tampered with.
    So why now is it removed from the OP’s desk? Why not months before this? Why not, before this last week, ask the OP to, in some way, remove the temptation?
    This doesn’t add up for me. There’s something going on here that isn’t in the OP’s narrative. Something the OP is not aware of. Is this co-worker harboring a whole lot of anger or other emotion over this?

    1. KHB*

      My guess: Coworker’s resolve to eat better is a New Year’s resolution, and a few weeks in (or not, depending on how old this letter is), her willpower is starting to break down.

      Or maybe she’s just singularly swayed by the power of chocolate kisses. It could be any number of things.

      1. AKchic*

        This is my thought, too. That this was a NY resolution and the coworker is starting to backslide and wants to put some of the onus of keeping them “on track” on other people, which won’t help in the long run. But, it will give the coworker that excuse in 6 months when they haven’t lost any weight and are completely off the diet/exercise regimen and they can blame “that damned candy bowl” and “my sister Sophie’s treats at the weekly family get together!” rather than true, meaningful change.

    2. Agent J*

      That’s what strikes me as well. The whole situation feels like an overreaction from Coworker. That’s why I can understand folks calling for OP’s compassion. We don’t know what’s going on with Coworker and a strong reaction from OP could escalate a situation that has little to do with OP.

    3. Scribbles*

      It could be that the idea to put the candy in the OP’s drawer just occurred to the coworker this past week.

      Or maybe the coworker only recently decided to try to stop eating candy.

      Or maybe the coworker has a new task or responsibility that requires them to pass by the OP’s desk now.

  76. Just An Old Furblob*

    Thank you for posting this letter; AAM to the rescue just when I need it! My job description has recently changed and I’m now responsible for compiling and recording information for calendar deadlines and leave boards. When I was out for a week, the employee formerly responsible for this wrote each person’s name at the bottom of the calendar in different colors. The fact that she went behind me and redid my assigned job duties–or that management told her to do that and didn’t tell me they wanted it done that way–is what sucks. Part of me is so pissed she did that while I was out. Let ’em do whatever they want with the darn thing, I’ll just write the month and days on the calendar and leave it at that.

  77. MissFisher*

    Ha! I had a coworker who DID throw out the candy I brought to share with the office because of her diet! We don’t keep a regular candy dish, we just occasionally bring things in to share. And she threw it out because she just couldn’t resist. It was not even near her desk and certainly not visible; in fact, she has to go out of her way to get to where it was. Why are people jerks?

  78. Bday Girl*

    I don’t know. I think I’d go to the mattresses about this one. What the girl did was galling and that kind of entitled behavior just escalates if it’s not nipped in the bud.

  79. tangerineRose*

    “Or you can stop bringing in candy and when people ask, you can let them know that you had to stop because of Jane.” This is what I’d probably do. That would mean no one rummaging through my desk (I hope). Someone else might start bringing in a candy dish too.

    Jane might not appreciate you letting them know that this is because of her. Especially if you mention “I decided to take the candy dish home because Jane threatened to throw away the candy.”

    But whatever you say about it, try to sound nice about it. The sweeter you sound, the more Jane will look like a jerk if she tries to escalate anything.

    I just typed this all out, and now I think I sound terribly passive aggressive. I guess Jane’s technique to get candy out of her sight is really irritating me.

    2. SpicySpice*

      Yeah, I think removing the candy and blaming Jane is totally the passive aggressive way of “winning” this. I’m kinda surprised Alison suggested it.

      1. AKchic*

        I’m not. We’re dealing with someone who was irrational and isn’t looking at the bigger picture. Have you ever stopped an office’s candy supply? They go a little… off. Deprived. To all of the sudden stop their treat supply because one person has suddenly decided that they not only don’t like it, but cannot be around it and will actively sabotage the supply for all, regardless of the supplier’s financial stake in it, would anger the people formerly being supplied.
        Why should LW be the one bearing the brunt of their ire when she is not the one who wanted the ire in the first place? She is not the cause of it. Put the onus of the problem back on the person who started it. She didn’t approach it right, she didn’t handle it right, and she wanted to “win”. Well, she’s “winning”, now she gets to be the big winner and handle the reward.

        1. tangerineRose*

          Yeah, this. And I think there’s probably a non-passive aggressive way to say it. I’m just not sure I’d be mature enough to do it that way :)

        2. LiveAndLetDie*

          Yeah, same. If Jane’s the one that bullies OP into getting rid of the candy dish altogether, I think it’s fair of OP to be truthful when she’s asked where the candy went. Because if she doesn’t then everyone’s just going to think OP decided to “kill the fun” and the brunt of the candy dispute fallout will fall on OP’s shoulders, when it is Jane’s fault. Say, “Jane kept throwing away the candy and moving the bowl, so I took it home.”

  80. Kill ItWithFIre*

    I feel for OP’s co-worker, but don’t touch other people’s things. If its not your, mitts off. How hard is that?

    IF the co-worker had asked instead of presumed, and IF the co-worker had then been apologetic and owned their behavior instead of being defensive I could see trying to accommodate them. But really, why reward repeat crappy behavior?

    1. Roscoe*

      I think that is why I’m so on OPs side here. By doing anything, she is really rewarding horrible behavior. She will think she can keep demanding people take things off their desk she doesn’t approve of.

    2. Kailia*

      Because we’re adults who hopefully have learned conflict resolution by now and someone should probably step up and be the bigger, better person. Otherwise, a month from now, there’s going to be a letter from someone else, asking how to handle their two coworkers who have started a passive aggressive cold war over a candy dish.

  81. MK*

    Obesity is a disease like alcoholism and a host of other things. Although the coo worker was wrong in touching/ moving stuff on the desk I think it would be better to empathize in this situation. Sugar is just as deadly as alcohol and smoking and in my opinion sugar needs to be cut out of all the food in America. Sugar is behind why people get addicted to food. But that’s another discussion.

    I also find it interesting that the LW blames the coworker because they “can’t resist temptation.” This rang alarm bells for me in that maybe the LW is someone who likes to have junk around because it’s a control issue for them, “look I won’t eat all this candy at my desk because I have control.” I say this as someone who had these types of issues for years. Candy isn’t good for anyone really and I find it makes people less productive in the office!

    I say my last statement because some of my team had a similar issue, but brought it up with me instead of moving things. I direct a team where candy was all over. Two people came to me and asked that we get rid of the candy (it was candy in their space but they felt like they needed to have it for visitors). We cut the candy and their work product is so much better! If you walk down the hall there’s another open candy dish, but outta sight outta mind for these people. It wasn’t an entire office ban, but some people on my team had food sensitivities. Not saying you should do what we did, but having empathy for someone struggling with something you don’t understand is important. Maybe ask the coworker what candy she doesn’t like and put those on there? Talk it out like grown ups and try and compromise.

      1. Kailia*

        My board certified internist and multiple other doctors have told me that sugar is, in fact, much like a poison. Every piece of candy damages your arteries, which then repair themselves with scar tissue – rinse repeat. Many food studies have been funded by sugar companies, and most of what we think we know about food is complete trash. If it’s not found naturally, and if you can’t make it at home, it’s generally not worth eating. Many countries know this; the US refuses to accept it. The impact on the environment ALONE to burn all those sugar cane fields (….poor Florida) to make that candy is atrocious.

        For whatever it’s worth.

        1. Observer*

          What it’s worth is exactly zero. Most of what most doctors say about food is just wrong. This certainly is.

          To start with, most of the get no decent training to speak with about nutrition. If you start looking at the studies on things like calorie restriction and the stuff that gets handed my medical practitioners, you begin to realize that it’s just as much trash as the stuff funded by the sugar companies.

          Sure, too much sugar etc is bad for you, but making up scare stories is a large part of why we get so much nonsense from people who won’t listen to doctors when they should.

            1. Observer*

              If you had actually done the research yourself you wouldn’t have had to cite your board certified internist (who actually may have never learned much about nutrition because it’s only relatively recently that it’s become a subject that’s been covered in any reasonable fashion).

              Being a scientist and knowing that studies paid for by the sugar industry are obviously going to have bias doesn’t mean that you follow the research. I challenge you to name on solid study that actually show that each piece of candy physically scars the arteries. (Tip: don’t waste your time. You won’t find one.)

        2. Crivens!*

          This is so full of faulty science I don’t know where to even begin.

          But hey, I can’t make carrots at home so I guess I’d better stop eating those obvious death traps.

    2. Celeste*

      Yes indeed. Your approach is excellent. People don’t understand that there is a big difference between nutrition (what’s in a food) and metabolism (what happens to the person when they eat it). If sugar makes you feel out of control (and it does for sooooo many people) then you should avoid it because for you, it is so not a healthy food.

      1. Agent J*

        But we’re derailing here. The issue isn’t the food itself. The issue is the Coworker violated OP’s boundaries to help her avoid eating candy. She infringed upon OP’s space to help her avoid temptation. And then had the nerve to be aggressive about it.

        You can have compassion for someone’s food preferences and believe in whatever you think is healthy. But there’s a way to ask someone to support you without being rude and forcing someone to change their behavior for you.

    3. Gadget Hackwrench*

      Eh… I think it’s a stretch to assume that OP keeps candy around as a way to boast about their control. It’s far more likely that they have simply been blessed to have a mentally healthy relationship with food, and so are not overly preoccupied with it one way or the other. It just seemed like a nice thing to do because they like a bit of candy now and then, and maybe their co-workers would too.

    4. Fat but not a sugar addict*

      Just no. My body size is not a sign of an uncontrollable compulsion to eat sugar and it is not a disease in itself. It may be a symptom of various things, but this view reduces all of the variation and actual issues behind obesity into a single, rigid, moralistic view of what is good to eat. Removing all the sugar from the food available in the country is highly controlling and infantilising.

    5. In recovery*

      This is an incredibly unhealthy and fatphobic way to look at food. “Obesity” is natural variation in body size, somewhat mediated by stressors such as poverty and food insecurity. Sugar does not produce chemical addiction or harm the body like tobacco and alcohol. Food is not evil.

  82. Rebecca1*

    I haven’t read the comments, so I’m sorry if this has been said: find out some candies she actively dislikes. Then use only those for a while. I’ve encountered these kinds of situations before, and that’s usually the solution that makes everyone happiest.

        1. Jennifer*

          People are already at her desk all day getting candies, meds, and Tums. That would drive me insane but she seems to enjoy it. What’s the big deal?

          If people going in and out of her desk all day starts to get annoying, then get rid of the dish. Be like my mom when my brother and I misbehaved in the car when we were on our way to McDonald’s. “I’m turning this car around and nobody gets McDonald’s!!!” This is the second time I’ve referenced my mom’s parenting on a thread about the behavior of two adults, which is sad.

      2. Rebecca1*

        Sometimes the solution that makes the maximum number of people happy requires a little extra work. Up to LW’s judgment whether she thinks that (1) this solution really would be the best one, and (2) any extra work would be worthwhile.

  83. Essess*

    I learned from a consultant co-worker a trick for training co-workers to answer questions… He would keep really good quality (pricey!) chocolate bars in his desk. If he called someone and needed them to come to his desk to help him with anything, he would offer them some of his good chocolate when they arrived. He never had trouble with people ignoring him or his requests after they discovered this.

    I started doing something similar. I’d offer people gourmet chocolate if they were at my desk helping me when I asked for assistance. I did learn quickly to keep my desk always locked. I caught a couple of busy-bodies trying to open my (locked) chocolate drawer when they thought I wasn’t around.

    1. AKchic*

      Yup. Always keep the food stash locked.

      I would buy a 20lb bag of bite-sized candy a week and a box of variety pack chocolate bars for my IT and maintenance needs. The 20lbs of candy would go in a week thanks to various admin folk stopping by for different things (being admin, I was constantly needed). With the candy, I got people to stop and talk for a few seconds, and I got to know more, got them to relax a few seconds, and it generally made my work easier (because I was able to better know what was needed) and whenever I needed something lifted, fixed, or had an IT problem, I had those two departments almost instantly because they got full sized candy bars for helping me with things.

  84. TH*

    I haven’t taken the time to read all of the questions so apologies if it’s been already said…

    I definitely agree with offering to change it to opaque or arranging the file folders, or another solution could be to have two dishes! one for candy and one for nuts/something else ‘healthy’ so everyone could be happy

  85. Lady Phoenix*

    She is incredibly rude.

    But maybe anconpromise might be in order? Maybe keep the candy bowl out when you are in the office, and take it off when you are not.

    If she sill acts like a shady b1tch over it… well… you can’t help a shady b1tch. The obly good thing shade is for is hot summer days and hilarious drag queens.

  86. agnes*

    Sometimes when stuff like this happens to me I think about how to model the type of behavior I want from other people. I understand both parties here–I am not happy when I come back and someone has been reorganizing my desk AND I understand the compulsion that some of us have to engage in behaviors that are not good for us. It can feel pretty desperate to be out of control.
    Sometimes people are doing the best they can, and sometimes they just don’t know how to do something differently until someone compassionately shows them how. The LW sounds in my opinion that he/she has better interpersonal skills than the candy dish mover. Maybe this is a chance to help somebody else improve theirs.

    1. blaise zamboni*

      Yes — this is exactly how I feel as well, and I’m surprised that I had to come this deep into the comments to find this perspective. I’m astounded at the number of people openly advocating less empathy and compassion. What the hell, you guys?

      What the coworker did was not cool and she badly mishandled the resulting conflict. That has been well-established. And sure, OP has no responsibility to “manage” the coworker’s problems or impulses. But how about talking to her and saying something to the effect of, “Hey, it upset me to have my things moved without my knowledge or permission. If you had asked me about it, we could have worked out a solution for both of us. Can we take that approach going forward?” Yeah, maybe that conversation is a little uncomfortable, and yeah, maybe OP shouldn’t “have” to do that in an ideal world…but the other option is having a permanently tense relationship with a coworker who sits two desks away, and potentially escalating drama over candy which doesn’t reflect well on either party.

      Also, I want to mention for the people in the “manage your own idiosyncrasies” camp: feeling possessive over a desk that is provided by your employer, which you have no actual ownership over, is kind of your own idiosyncrasy. It’s obviously common and I honestly feel the same way, but if we’re all managing our own feelings and never letting them seep into work, that shouldn’t factor into OP’s response. Clearly that’s not realistic, so maybe y’all can extend that desire to be understood and respected to this person whose crime is essentially just being in an emotional state during a conflict. OP doesn’t lose anything by trying to be compassionate, but stands to gain a lot by modeling appropriate behavior and being the bigger person here.

      1. Gadget Hackwrench*

        You’re stretching with the desk thing. An idiosyncrasy by definition is something peculiar to an individual, and as you say, territorialism over one’s assigned workspace is incredibly common. So common in fact that habitually going into your peers desks, or entering their office/cube without permission could get you into trouble in many workplaces if it is not a part of your duties and you cannot provide a work-relevent reason you were doing so.

  87. Lady Phoenix*

    Also, my only response to this would be,
    “Are you seriously trying to pick a fight over a f@cking bowl of candy? Because right now, you look like an entitled brat, and I will not entertain your shenigans. Leave me and my candy dish alone.”

      1. Roscoe*

        No. Only one side moved something into someone’s desk and demanded they get rid of it. THAT is the entitlement.

      2. Jennifer*

        I agree. They both behaved like children. The OP originally had the high ground, but when she stooped to the coworker’s level and lost it on her instead of letting it go, she lost credibility in my eyes. It’s just candy.

        1. Lady Phoenix*

          Could you really blame OP? Coworker was acting like a huge jerk and invaded OP’s space for a problem THEY need to deal with on their own.

          1. Jennifer*

            Yes. We can’t control the actions of others but we can control how we react to them. People are going to behave poorly sometimes. That’s just reality. It’s not right or fair. It’s just how it is. It’s fair to judge how people handle the poor behavior of others, imo. She escalated this needlessly. If I’d witnessed this exchange, my opinion of both of them would have taken a big hit.

  88. LowerLevelLawyer*

    I clicked in expecting this to be a divisive one and I was not disappointed!

    I tend to be with the Candy Avoider here. I think both of them could’ve handled this differently, though. Instead it seems like they’re having some Middle Earth battle over something which is otherwise silly. More than anything OP’s tone here just really rubbed me the wrong way and maybe that’s what pushed me to the side of the dear candy hater.

  89. HW*

    I have to say, I’m really disappointed with the responses of OP, Alison, and seemingly a majority of people commenting. Even without venturing into disordered eating territory, just the tone of the original post seemed off-the-charts rude and self-righteous. And I completely get being creeped out that someone touched your stuff and moved it. But to go to the mats over a candy bowl and to consider escalating when someone’s told you how it affects them negatively seems very cold, and, generally, the “your lack of will power isn’t my issue,” seems so self-centered and arrogant. I read about how some people can manage just to have a little of something and how some people have to be total abstainers because they don’t have that ability to modulate, and it seems like that break down may be evident here. Just a pitch to say that will power is a lot tougher for some of us, and asking someone to relocate a candy bowl from his/her desk (where he/she is only present part of the time!!) seems like a pretty easy thing to do.

    Regardless, Alison is certainly right that doubling down will (further) weaken your credibility.

    1. Roscoe*

      Its true though. Your lack of will power isn’t my issue. If you are dieting, that doesn’t mean you should expect me to not bring in pizza for lunch. I think its MORE arrogant for the person with the issue to expect to control other people’s behaviors because of their desires. If we are having a team dinner, its not on me to not have a beer because you are a recovering alcoholic.

      1. Adam Ruins Everything*

        How is “your lack of willpower isn’t my issue” self-centered and arrogant, but not “it is your responsibility to accommodate my needs, and I’m not even going to ask nicely. Screw that, I’m not going to ask at all!”

        1. Adam Ruins Everything*

          “asking someone to relocate a candy bowl from his/her desk (where he/she is only present part of the time!!) seems like a pretty easy thing to do.”

          It sure does. And if it had happened in this scenario, maybe the OP wouldn’t have written this letter.

    2. Toomgis*

      I agree with you. I think a lot of commenters are really lacking empathy for the coworker. The focus seems to be on the boundary violations, but most folks haven’t acknowledged that maybe coworker acted in a really irrational way because this is a BIG DEAL for her. Food and eating is clearly an incredibly emotionally charged issue, and I think it would help the OP to reframe the situation as “this is clearly a really big deal for CW” and away from “how rude of her to touch my stuff”

      1. Hilary Flammond*

        Agree. I was honestly amazed at how many words were spilled by OP in describing a very simple situation. I’m also surprised by the territorial feelings towards a desk in a place of work. Would I go into a coworker’s desk? No, unless it was an emergency. Do I expect other people to feel the same way about my desk? No, because it’s not a private space, it’s a workspace in an office rented by my employer.
        Compromise and flexibility are the watchwords here. It’s easy to accommodate everyone’s needs and preferences – opaque jar, only out when OP is at her desk for the day.
        Also if either OP or Jane brought this “issue” to me, I would step in and fix it, but taking mental notes about both parties and their lack of basic getting-along-with-others skills.

      2. Name Required*

        ” The focus seems to be on the boundary violations, but most folks haven’t acknowledged that maybe coworker acted in a really irrational way because this is a BIG DEAL for her.”

        Focusing on the boundary violation doesn’t exclude acknowledging that her behavior reflect a deep and painful issue for her. I would recognize that her behavior is a reflection of her inner battles and demons, but I don’t think that circumvents her responsibility to behave respectfully in the work place. Many people manage to have “big deals” without behaving like this … for instance, the recent letter with the OP that was struggling with miscarriage. Note that she didn’t rip down pictures of children from her coworkers desks, ask that they stop discussing pregnancy, or huffily demand that her coworkers at nearby desks stop getting pregnant because it was hard for her.

  90. Knitting Cat Lady*

    Ya know what helped me eat less candy?

    ALWAYS HAVING SOME AT HOME.

    I know it’s there. I know I can eat it if I want to. I know it’s not going anywhere. So I can take one piece and be content.

    1. twig*

      Same! I’ve somehow managed to no longer ascribe moral value to food and let nothing be off limits.

      It’s crazy how little I need to “control myself” around food when it’s on hand and I’ m “allowed” to eat it.

    3. LiveAndLetDie*

      This is me as well! My roommate and I kept a whole damn pantry shelf of sweets when we lived together and neither of us really ate much of it at all, but the knowledge that it was there if we wanted it was great. If there wasn’t any in the house we would both start craving madly and end up binging on a whole bag of candy when we bought it again.

      I understand 100% that doesn’t work for everyone, but for me it’s important to have candy available, or else I’m more likely to stop by the store and make some terrible choices.

  91. Ginger Snap*

    I feel like I would just put low-cal/low-sugar options in rotation and call it a day. There is way too much outrage for either side here. Why not just put out some really good mints/gum/hard candies. Baskin Robbins has a sugar free ice cream hard candy that takes like ten mins to dissolve in your mouth and comes in good flavors. Then people get their damn candy fix and those on a diet can enjoy without guilt – I’m sure there are others in the office that would appreciate healthier options if they were presented.

    1. The Man, Becky Lynch*

      Except the fake sugars used in that kind of candy can attribute to headaches in certain individuals and increases your over-indulgence centers to go haywire if you have weight issues.

      This is why doctors often tell you if you drink soda, just drink the sugared variety and moderation is still king.

  92. t.i.a.s.p.*

    Don’t know if anyone else suggested this as a solution, but if OP is going to be away from her desk most of the day, could the candy dish go on someone else’s desk? That is if you are willing to try to accomodate the boundary crossing co-worker.

  93. The Doctor*

    One of my coworkers keeps a “munchie file” in one of his overhead cabinets, plus a separate “file” for Passover in a communal cabinet. We all know it’s there and can access it at any time (although I prefer to do so when he’s away from his cube just to avoid disturbing him).

    And yes, I donate to the file, sometimes with munchies but usually with money.

  94. ManderGimlet*

    I’d be pissed that someone touched my stuff but the second you stood up and loudly pronounced your displeasure to the office at large is the point where you lost the battle and the war. You’re mad that someone moved your stuff because it felt demeaning and intrusive, but you doubled down on that treatment by acting childish. Involving the whole office makes me think that your coworker had very good reason for not approaching you directly about this.

    You have such a twisted logic about this “communal” candy dish that you would only deign to exclude nuts if someone was allergic to them, but not because of the allergy itself, but because of the temptation that would present an allergic person. But apparently weight, blood sugar, cardiovascular health, etc are not enough reasons for someone not to be able to overcome “temptation”. (“Second, given some extenuating circumstances, I would be willing to be cooperative about displaying food items. For example, if you just developed a peanut allergy, I would refrain from including peanut M&Ms anymore since they would be a temptation for someone dealing with a serious health issue.”)

    1. Kai*

      +1 about the touching stuff thing. I was suprised no one else had mentioned it. Honestly the fact that she went into OP’s desk would have most made me go to HR once I found out who it was because of the invasion of privacy. I would also like to clarify that I’ve been diagnosed with OCD and a huge trigger for me is when people invade my privacy. Like someone going into my desk like that without my permission would 100% set me into a panic. Like someone messing with stuff on my desk is no big deal it’s the fact she went into the desk is what upsets me.

  95. WillyNilly*

    Where you lost me OP is when you said “I would refrain from including peanut M&Ms anymore since they would be a temptation for someone dealing with a serious health issue.” But you refuse to acknowledge that binge eating is a very real, very difficult, and very serious health issue. Eating disorders are real.

    Many addictions can be managed by totally refraining from participating – many alcoholics for example take the stance of never drinking again, because that is the best way to manage their addiction. But people cannot quit eating. People with food addictions have to learn to manage their issue via moderation instead of elimination.

    Compassion is a virtue. I do understand the annoyance over your personal space. But actually two co-workers of yours responded when you asked about the dish, not just one (although only one had the back & forth, but it seems the first responder agreed at least a bit.) Please consider doing *something* other than digging your heels in; people are more important than candy. Someone is asking for help.

    1. ManderGimlet*

      That part tripped me up too, because the reason wasn’t that proximity to nuts could kill an allergic person, it was that it was an unfair temptation for someone who could, you know, die if they eat one. Which is crazy to me because a highly allergic person isn’t going to go within 10 feet of a candy dish filled with unverified treats, but because this coworker isn’t at risk of immediately going into shock then she doesn’t deserve any support?

  96. cwhfstl*

    I find it strange that the LW gives a nut allergy designation as “a serious health issue” while the coworker may be struggling with obesity, diabetes, cardiovascular disease, etc and that candy (which she may have poor willpower over eating) is actually bad for her. It might not kill her immediately as a nut allergy would, but it’s still a health issue of concern, but oddly LW is willing to avoid nuts for the allergic co-worker but not willing to give consideration/support to the coworker here.

    Why is the the LW so invested in being the candy lady? I agree with relocating the dish, making a candy drawer so not on display, making it opaque or whatever it takes to help coworker beat temptation. I am very struck with how vigorous this argument was. Yes coworker should never have touched her stuff/desk; I wonder if she had voiced her concerns previously and she certainly did not go about this is a diplomatic way for sure. That said, why just as a good coworker does LW not want to try to help? If someone were struggling with sobriety, no one would put out a bottle of whiskey but obesity and will power over food are always seen as “personal weakness” and “their problem.” Food can be a powerful and damaging agent as well and is all the harder because it is everywhere and unlike alcohol, you can’t survive without consuming it. Now it’d be great if everyone had perfect will power (wish I did) but that’s not the case; so why not help the community (I’m betting coworker is not the only one feeling this; communal food and candy give me dread in the office) by lessening temptation? Everyone wins—folks who want candy still get it, and those trying to resist have one less obstacle in their day.

    1. Ruthie*

      I maintain the office candy bowl and can totally understand why LW is so invested. People really like the candy, and I like providing it. It’s also a personal expense, but it makes me and others happy, so it’s well worth it. I’m totally invested myself in being the candy lady, and it would sting if someone removed it and threatened to toss the candy. I’m a reasonable person and would absolutely turn my bowl into a drawer if asked, but I can understand why LW is on the defensive given the way it was handled.

      1. Shoes On My Cat*

        Ruthie, I LOVED our office Candy Person! She is a really neat no-nonsense compassionate person and when my miniature open office (4 desks in a small room/office with door permanently open to all passerby) got a bit too much I’d excuse myself ‘to get chocolate’. It was more “to take 5 minutes away from you people so I don’t kill you dead & if the phone rings one more time & none of you answer it I won’t be held responsible.” Then I’d either grab and go or if she wasn’t busy, decompress. Either way, everyone lived to love & laugh again. So thanks!

        1. Shoes On My Cat*

          Oh! And, yes I also bought bags of on sale candy to subsidize her. We eventually talked HR into also subsidizing her because it helped her keep a feel for the pulse of the employees

    2. LNLN*

      Thank you for putting into words what I was feeling about this situation. The AAM commentariat usually displays a great deal of support for people with all sorts of issues. But apparently, if you don’t have will power about candy under your nose 40 hours a weeks, you are pathetic and unworthy of compassion. The struggle is real, people!

      1. WellRed*

        I’ve been surprised by all the willpower comments. If willpower was all it took, there’d be far fewer smokers, drinkers, cell phone addicts and more. Got an anxiety disorder? Just will yourself not to be anxious.

      2. Observer*

        Except that that’s not what most people have been saying.

        I think that this kind of exaggeration is what gets a lot of people to double down.

  97. Phil*

    If it was me, I’d probably double down and superglue it to the desk or something. Or start eating sizzling hot bacon at my desk. Maybe with a fan to blow the scent over to her desk…

  98. btdubbs*

    I used to have a small ceramic jar on my desk (with a lid) filled with candy. One day when I was out of the office, my officemate moved it from my desk into a communal space because the sound of people removing the lid was enough to trigger her desire to eat candy. Did I like that she moved my things without asking? Not at all. I had to suppress rolling my eyes when people asked why it got moved. (And everyone asked). But the small upshot was that once it was out of my office, I felt no responsibility to maintain the jar — in the common area it now belonged to everyone. It also cuts down on the amount of times people swing by my office (everyone felt the need to say something to me when the grabbed candy), so it wasn’t all bad.

  99. Mary*

    Am super confused that it’s OK to confiscate a colleague’s annoying toy but not OK to take something off a colleague’s desk and put it in a drawer.

    I don’t think I’ve ever worked in a office where “I took X off your desk and put it in your drawer” would have been a big deal. I get wanting to have a bit of your own space and stuff, but I really don’t know how you can manage this level of “your desk drawers are your super sanctum”. Does nobody enter need to borrow a stapler??!

    1. Roscoe*

      I think if you are borrowing something, and putting it back where you got it, that is different than just moving something because of your own selfish whims

    2. LQ*

      I’m with you on this. I really don’t have that kind of attachment to my office. Earlier today I told someone while I was at a meeting they were free to use my office while I wasn’t there. I’ve fairly casually told people that before. People have had to go into my desk drawers. I’ve told people the top drawer is were the snacks are, the bottom is for the emergency kit (sewing, shout wipes etc). I know people have gone hunting for candy in my drawer. I’ve had to go looking for files on someone else’s desk. Or postits or staplers. (I used one so rarely I’d just borrow when I needed it.)

      It’s not MY office or my desk or my space. If I came in tomorrow and it was all trashed…one I’d be worried I’d be fired. But I wouldn’t feel like I’d been invaded.

      It’s not a sanctum. I lock what needs to be locked, but if it’s out, eh.
      (I’m actually a really private person so I feel like this is extra odd because I’m usually the one going too personal too personal! But on this one, I just don’t invest “personal” in my work space so it doesn’t become an extension of me. And it’s not like I’m not here 12 hours a day…)

  100. Jennifer*

    It is a lot of words and I think both the OP and the coworker may be taking this a bit too seriously. It’s petty and not worth the fight. Get rid of the candy dish. Bring treats for yourself if you like and keep them in the drawer. Wish your coworker well on her journey to changing her life. This is the world we live in now.

    1. Anoncorporate*

      Yeah – I think a good compromise could be if the OP brings candy for themselves and quietly offers it to other coworkers when Jane is not around. This way, they can still create the pleasant camraderie I think they were hoping the communal dish would do, but was not well received by one or two of the team members.

  101. Agent Diane*

    If OP does start putting the dish away, please don’t pointedly blame Jane for it.

    The OP has put lots of emphasis on the dish being for “the community”. Jane is part of the community. If OP gets lots of informal office status as provider of candy, she also has the power to ostracise Jane from “the community”. Be the better person and don’t do that. Don’t let your (reasonable) outrage turn you into a bullying queen bee. And sure as hell don’t escalate it by overfilling the dish because that is being mean.

    PS: as a boss, if I had witnessed this display of escalating pass-agg, I’d tell you both to pack it in.

      2. Eleanora (UK)*

        Retelling it as “Jane won’t let you have the nice things,” isn’t a fair retelling, though, and would be bullying.

        1. Roscoe*

          Retelling it as “Jane demanded that I remove the candy dish” Is a true statement of the facts. it is fair. Its is not bullying. People throw that term around WAY too much

          1. Eleanora (UK)*

            That’s not actually true, though. Jane asked that the candy dish be moved – not that it be removed.

            There’s a one-sided way of telling the story that effectively ostracizes the colleague – over candy, I might add – and Agent Diane is quite rightly saying that would be unduly cruel and calling on the OP not to stoop to that level.

            1. Roscoe*

              Look, this is how I see it. If its “cruel” to tell people what happened, and someone is ostracized because of it, maybe they shouldn’t have done that thing.

              Its like if one person cheated on another, and then got mad that the cheated partner told their friends that its why they broke up. If you look bad because of your actions, that’s on you.

    3. Courageous cat*

      I do disagree with Alison’s advice on that point, too. Don’t pointedly blame Jane for it. She may deserve it, but it won’t look professional.

  102. That Girl From Quinn's House*

    I would get rid of the candy dish, but because her behavior, not her complaints.

    By having a communal candy dish on your desk, you’re communicating to other people that your desk is shared property, and it is OK to touch things on your desk if they want. You’ve invited them to do so, by putting out candy for them. And that’s fine, as long as everyone abides by the social contract of only touching the candy, and taking a respectful/moderate amount of candy from the candy dish.

    However, in moving your candy dish, this coworker is showing you that she interprets the invitation to touch the candy to mean she can touch things on her desk, in a way you did not intend, to suit her needs. She’s not abiding by the social contract, she is a) removing your items and b) opening your drawers (!) to suit her own preference.

    She has shown no respect for your boundaries, and thus you need to establish ones that are more absolutist as long as you work with her. No touching anything on my desk, no exceptions. Today it is candy, tomorrow it could be anything else.

  103. Annastasia-von-Beaverhausen*

    OP, you are right, coworker is wrong; however, in the spirt of cooperation, I think an opaque candy dish that you put in your drawer when you are away is a good solution.

    Your coworker is ridiculous, but sometimes its OK to be the bigger person, and I think this is one of those times.

    I would make it clear that if you are away and she touches/removes items in your desk, you will escalate though. I get what Allison is saying about your manager having different things to do, but a coworker stealing your items really does seem like it’s worth a flag with the boss at the very least.

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      But she’s “stealing” something that she’s free to take and eat. It’s not the same as stealing something no one else was ever intended to have. I’m not saying she’s not in the wrong — she is — but the “stealing” thing is just not going to be as big of a deal when the item being stolen is one anyone is welcome to take. (There is some nuance here, in that she’s taking it for purposes it wasn’t intended for. And it’s not okay to take communal candy to throw it out. But I don’t think “stealing” is the way to argue this.)

      1. Annastasia-von-Beaverhausen*

        Yah, I was thinking more like she threw out the whole dish, which I thought was the threat. If she takes all the candy and eats it or gives it to pigeons or throws it out, the OP will never know. However, if she throws out the dish all together that seems like a bridge too far.

  104. Indie*

    I think I would go with: “Hey you caught me off guard and I want to say that if I do anything in the office in future which is distracting to you, could you maybe talk to me directly about it? I would totally have worked with you if I had been asked to move it myself. I hope I am making myself approachable here.
    “I can do options a, b or c (like have the candy hidden in a box, putting the dish in the kitchen cupboard or emptying the dish before a few days absence from the office). In return, I myself have a thing about my stuff not being touched….so….. Deal?”

  105. RoadsLady*

    This one really has me thinking. Oh, I think Coworker is unreasonable in moving the dish, but I have no idea what I would do in this situation.

    I get it, it’s a candy dish and nothing more, but I’ve seen drama over candy dish-level issues before.

  106. IndyMischa*

    Chiming in here – after almost a year of daily reading and never commenting – because this one is giving me so much cognitive dissonance. I managed a retail store for almost a decade, and would 100% (++) have wanted to know if something like this was going on, so I could address it with the employee displaying *bananapants*-level boundary issues. I’ve also worked for a couple of dozen managers in my career, and I can’t imagine a single one of them not feeling the same way, or judging me negatively for bringing it to them. Alison, I believe you when you say that you would (and the other commenters that agree), but I seriously can’t imagine.

  107. Interviewer*

    In OP’s letter, after she made her general announcement, she indicated that not one, but two coworkers commented on the absence of the candy dish. It was unclear if the first one was in support of it or not, but I assumed the latter.

    If so – OP, please consider there may be others who agree with the one who spoke up, but did not feel comfortable speaking up after overhearing your conversation. Is it worth digging in, if more than one person feels this way?

  108. Master Bean Counter*

    Okay after some of these responses I got to thinking if I were the boss here what would I do?
    First I’d be super annoyed that a candy dish issue was brought to my attention in the first place.

    I’d tell the OP that she needs to make other arraignments for the dish when she’s out of the office if she doesn’t want anybody touching it. Also basically calling out your coworkers like you did had better not happen in the future. You should have asked around about the candy dish and not made a spectacle in the middle of the office.

    I’d tell the candy dish hider that moving other peoples stuff and getting into their desks for non-business purposes is absolutely not acceptable. If I have to talk to her about it again there will be consequences. If she has concerns about something she needs to figure out how to respectfully deal with her coworkers.

  109. That One Person*

    Really glad my drawers have locks on them, though I guess I don’t really leave anything out either that’s worth messing with? Not unless someone has an aversion to hand sanitizer or pens or something. I would feel uncomfortable if people started messing with them while I was away, even if it was just some of the supplies in them.

    I could see trying to reach some sort of resolution/middle ground be it the opaque candy dish people have suggested, trying to hide it a little more from her view (though I guess even knowing its still there could be problematic?), or potentially just doing something else like the nuts you mentioned (or maybe trying something like mints, or lower cal candy?).

    The candy dish isn’t a hill worth dying on I feel even if it stinks to lose a nice little thing like that, but I would reiterate that to her that if there’s a problem to discuss it first with whoever’s involved. There are times where trying to solve an issue by one’s self may produce more problems, or unnecessary problems. As Allison pointed out the response may have been different if she’d just come to you about it first and it would’ve been easier to be sympathetic about it rather than feeling attacked. I know some people also want to try and avoid potential confrontation, but actions like that are more likely to produce that kind of reaction in people. Open floor plan or not, various spots on that floor are people’s “territory” whether she likes it or not, and as animals we prefer knowing what people are doing in our territory.

  111. LV426*

    As a former candy dish owner I have a similar story. I had a big plastic bowl that I would stock with candy and that others around holidays would fill with leftover candy. Halloween, Christmas, Valentine’s Day it would over flow and I always bought discounted candy to keep it stocked as well. I used it when I first started the job because candy dishes have a way of drawing people in and I met most of the people in my company within a few weeks just because it got out that I had a candy dish. It was also a way for people to socialize, kind of like water cooler talk. A few minutes to stop by, have a quick chat, with me or others. I formed a really good network all because of a candy dish AND managers of other departments got exposed to how much I really know and could do because they would stop by and see what I was working on.

    I was basically my own department because I was the only one on my team in this state and my manager was in a different state so when people would see the new processes and procedures I had created and implemented when they would stop by it got a lot more visibility than if I hadn’t had a candy dish.

    Then a new person started and where before I was sitting alone in a 6 cubicle space they put her right next to me. She wasn’t even part of my department she was part of another division but since there was room where I was sitting, there she was put. It was fine with me but she HATED the candy dish. She started passive aggressively saying that candy wasn’t good for my health to which I replied that I don’t actually eat the candy I just bring it for others. Then she said she didn’t want to eat candy and I was tempting her. Mind you she couldn’t see the candy dish from her desk and would have had to come into my cubicle to even see the candy. But I moved the candy to another spot behind a file folder organizer so she couldn’t see the candy unless she stood right behind my chair and she had no reason to do so. Then, she said she could smell the candy and it made her sick so I moved the candy to the opposite wall on the far corner and had another coworker verify that no candy smell permeated the other cubicle. Then she complained that the people stopping by to chat were disrupting her and she couldn’t work. So I asked people to please speak softly when they came by so as not to disturb her. (And really these were short 2-3 min visits not hours long conversations and most people would just pop in say hi, grab a candy bar and leave.)

    Then I would come in and the candy bowl that had been full the night before was empty. So I stopped keeping it full at night and I would only keep candy in it during the day and empty it into my drawer at night. I thought the cleaning crew was just filling their pockets which had happened before and I didn’t mind them eating some but taking the whole bowl was a bit much. Finally one day I came in and went to fill it and my entire drawer full of candy (we’re talking 20 lbs of candy here) was gone. So I went to the front desk admin and asked her to pull the video because I thought someone had come in and stolen the candy and if it was after hours the only people that have access are the cleaning crew. Nothing was seen on the cameras in the hallways so an email was sent out company wide about stealing and whoever took the candy needed to reimburse me.

    New employee came to me and told me she took the candy out of my drawer because she didn’t want me to put candy out and she thought if she threw it away then I would stop buying candy. This was probably $60 worth of chocolate bars and other assorted candy. Seriously the drawer was a bottom file cabinet drawer and it was full almost to the top with candy. She said she threw it all in the trash. I asked her to reimburse me for the candy because it was a lot of candy and she refused and said I deserved to lose the candy because she told me she didn’t like having the candy there. So I ended up filing a complaint against her with her manager and asked that she reimburse me for all of the candy she had thrown away and not only that I wanted to make sure she stayed out of my things. I mean who actually goes into someone’s desk drawers and steals 20 lbs of candy to throw away!?

    There was a mediation meeting and HR got involved and she tried to say that I was trying to kill her by having a candy dish and that I just wanted her to be fat. I SO wanted to agree that I was trying to kill her because I was really fed up with her being a self absorbed ass and stealing my stuff. In the end she was told to reimburse me for the candy and was told that if she stole anything ever again then she would be terminated and her behavior was unacceptable. The downside is that HR decided the candy dish was a liability and now no one was allowed to have a candy dish at their desk and all candy had to be kept in the lunchroom where the snack machines were and the other food items people would bring in. The rest of the company just loved that. Then when candy thief was supposed to pay me back for the candy she revealed that she didn’t actually throw it away, she had just hidden it in another cabinet in the office and she brought the whole lot back to my desk whole I was gone and just left it spread out all over the place. So I put all the candy back into my desk and put the candy dish away and then hung a sign outside my cubicle that said “Ask me about Candy”. She tried to get that taken down too but HR said there was nothing wrong with people keeping candy in their desks, they wouldn’t be policing what food people brought into the office unless there was a health hazard. Then candy thief tried to say she had a peanut allergy and HR required a doctor’s note and an Epi Pen to be kept on site in the Emergency Medical kit for her and of course she lied about the peanut allergy and so my candy was fine.

    I should have just removed the candy and let it go but to be honest I was too blinded by the fury of someone violating my space and taking something that had no impact on them at all. I didn’t blatantly hawk candy in the hallways and she didn’t see the candy but because she knew there was candy it must be banned. So I can see the fury of someone going into your desk and moving things around but you really have to determine what candy hill to die on. Eventually I switched to working from home and the candy dish was filled for the last time and left in the break room for any and all to partake of and candy was never spoken of again.

    I don’t think Candy Thief ever learned her lesson though because then she started a campaign against Friday Morning breakfasts that the company provided. Meats, cheeses, veggie trays, donuts, and bagels were all delivered on Friday mornings and she wanted them to stop ordered donuts and bagels because she didn’t want to be tempted to eat bad things. She did the same on Pizza Wednesdays when managers would buy the office pizzas and put them in the break room for everyone. But those are whole other crazy stories.

    1. AKchic*

      Oh my goodness!
      I had someone kind of like that! She hated the candy bowl and would bring apples and veggies to put next to my candy bowl for “those who obviously want it and are starving for nature’s candy”. Nobody ever took any and I’d end up throwing it away because it would go bad. She lasted all of 6 months. She even tried to start a petition to have a vegan holiday party (she was the only vegan in the company that I knew of at the time, and we had about 150 people working there).

    3. Shoes On My Cat*

      So, exactly like my comment below predicted. The Ridiculousness Hit The Fan! These types are consistent anyway. The candy jar is for much more than candy and you used it well! Bravo!

    4. Ann O.*

      Yes, that’s exactly the type of ridiculous escalations that I think happen once we accept the notion that it’s not our job to manage ourselves but other people’s jobs to manage environments for us! It becomes this total one way flow.

  112. JSPA*

    Presumably the point of the candy dish is as a kindness to others.
    You now know that for at least one person, it’s instead an unkindness.
    It could even be a danger to her (we don’t know her medical issues).

    I’d choose to presume that someone has to be pretty desperate to muck with other people’s desk drawers, and proceed accordingly.

    As a thought experiment: say she’s binging on your chocolates. If so, it does others no good (the chocolates are not available to them) and it does actual harm to her. Is it, then, adding to the greater good to make sure they’re stocked in your absence?

    If she’s diabetic, should she have to disclose? Should she have to disclose an eating disorder? She’s disclosed that it’s a “big problem.” (It actually is possible for one person’s cost from a situation to be larger than the collective benefit that everyone else derives. I don’t like the argument that every “yes” carries the same weight as every “no.”)

    So, thinking practically: Is there some reason that you (rather than someone a few desks further along) must host the communal bowl? And must do so every day, even when you’re not there?

    (I’m guessing she can smell them from where she sits, or else that she must pass your desk to get to hers, or that she goes to your desk for the tums, and ends up eating the chocs.)

    Basically, if this is a “common good” thing, rather than an ego thing, you’d be free to refill a bowl on someone else’s desk, or pass them from desk to desk based on who’s going to be in, that day. It removes the problem of “unmonitored temptation near at hand” and preserves the “yummies for those who want” benefits.

    And frankly, I’m more worried about the communal aleve. Yes, it’s OTC. But no painkiller is harmless–and having it out like candy can make it easy for someone to ignore safe dosing limits.

    1. Anoncorporate*

      The difference btwn the LW and coworker is that the coworker *perceives* the LW as violating boundaries, but the coworker actually is violating the LW’s boundaries. If I were to interpret the coworker in a charitable manner, I would say that the coworker has an unusual psychological issue to feel targeted by someone putting out a communal candy dish on their own desk. Like, I tend to resent my company for putting jars of candy all over the office, but I accept that I can’t control it outside of suggesting replacement snacks to the office manager. It would be whole other thing if I felt that the logical step was to go on a spree to steal all the candy jars and hide them/throw them in the trash.

      That all being said, the LW has no obligation to work around their coworker’s personal issue. I think she should both confront the coworker and escalate the problem to a manager/HR, mostly from the angle that her coworker is invading her workspace and violating boundaries.

      1. JSPA*

        You’re talking about rights. And you’re right, she has the right. If her goal is to clarify her rights, she’s already done that. She has the right to put things on her desk, no matter how painful they may be for someone else. Someone else has no right to remove those things, no matter how horrible the situation is for her. Unless it’s an actual accommodation for a diagnosed medical issue. Which OP has the right to require, to change her pattern.

        But if OP’s goal is to be a kind person (and I’m assuming that’s why she has a communal candy dish) then the equation is different. It isn’t kind to insist that someone can’t really be suffering to the point where it should matter to you, when they tell you they’re suffering from your actions.

        OP’s candy dish is creating misery for someone. We know because they said so. It’s also creating pleasure for other people. But other people can… get the same pleasure in other ways. The miserable person apparently has no other viable solution for their misery. Why, in that situation, would you continue to cause known misery, in the name of “doing something nice for everyone”? Well actually, make that, “everyone except the person who’s miserable.”

        1. Anoncorporate*

          Someone being miserable from a candy dish is extremely arbitrary, in my opinion. Like, it’s no different from getting offended by a purple sweater or something else that is innocuous. I’m not necessarily saying the OP shouldn’t compromise. If were the OP, I probably would for the sake of peace (to Alison’s point). But I think it is just as appropriate for the OP to make a formal complaint against their coworker. The coworker is also being disruptive, and their behavior could justify them eventually getting fired later.

        2. animaniactoo*

          Because someone is always miserable about something, somewhere. Sometimes reasonably, sometimes not so reasonably. And we can sympathize and we can accommodate to a certain extent. But if we just full bore accommodate every time, we’ll end up contorting ourselves into pretzels to avoid creating misery… and being miserable ourselves.

    3. Gadget Hackwrench*

      Yes, she does need to disclose if she has an eating disorder, at the very least to her boss, if she wants accommodations in the workplace. That’s how that works. I say this as a person who does have a disability in the workplace. I can’t keep that a secret AND demand accommodations. If Jane truly needs the candy to not be there for a medical reason, then Jane should either have said so to OP, or if she wants to keep it secret, have gone to the boss and disclosed to them, so that the boss could put out a blanket ruling on candy dishes without implicating Jane.

  113. your vegan coworker*

    What do folks think about the fact that the first time the dish was put in the drawer it was EMPTY?

    Since the dish was empty, then the intent of the dish-mover that time was not to protect herself from temptation. What was her intent in moving an empty dish into a drawer? It seems to me that the answer to that question might illuminate how much grace OP is obliged to extend her.

    If she ate all the candy in an uncontrolled way and then felt ashamed and then hid the dish… well, then my heart hurts for her and I hope we can all agree that eating disorders are no joke and ought to be accommodated like any other medical condition. But if she flung the candy into the trash in a fit of pique and then shoved the dish in a drawer for good measure, my emotional calculus changes. My heart still kind of hurts for her, but I’m not inclined to extend a lot of leeway to someone prone to angry acts in the workplace. In other words, if this isn’t about an eating disorder but, instead, about a person who throws temper tantrums to get what she wants, regardless of the impact on anyone else, that’s troubling.

    1. TootsNYC*

      It was empty when it was taken back OUT.

      The coworker may have put it in the drawer when it was full, and other colleagues may have known that she did so, and they may have taken candy out of the bowl while it was in the drawer.

      1. Marthooh*

        I assumed Jane was the one who got into the drawer and emptied it. Maybe at a slightly slower rate than if the dish was out on the desk.

  114. Cali*

    I didn’t read all of the comments, so this could have been discussed already, but it’s obvious the coworker that is in the wrong here however, it sounds like two coworkers expressed they didn’t like the candy dish (the one that made the fat joke also) and it sounds like this has been brought up before and the LW brought nuts in for awhile instead since there was a complaint about the candy.

    I don’t think the LW should have to stop bringing candy into the office, but perhaps the coworker was so weirdly combative because she’s tried to address it differently plus if the other coworker also said they liked the candy in the drawer, then maybe more people in the office aren’t into the candy dish either?

    I don’t think this is a hill anybody should be dying on, if I were the LW I’d probably keep bringing in candy because it’s so weird this is an issue – but for the sake of getting along, I’d probably also bring in some nuts or fruit or something else at the desk that is healthier as well so there is less of an argument around I’m too tempted by candy.

  115. Belle8bete*

    Welcome to the real world. If your coworker acts like a child, you need to act like an adult. Figure out a way to show you aren’t going to start the great candy war of 2019. It isn’t worth it!

  117. Close Bracket*

    I said, out loud (it’s an open floor plan, you can easily be heard), that people needed to stop removing things from my desk and hiding them in my drawer.

    One coworker then turned and joked, “That’s for fat people like me.”

    Will somebody give me some help reading subtext? LW has made clear that their intent was to address whoever was moving the candy dish. What is it about their wording that might cause a fat person to think they were being addressed? The person who answered was not even the person who moved it, and the weight of the person who moved it has not been mentioned. LW didn’t even mention the candy dish—they just said “things.” If somebody could spell out for me what might lead someone to draw the connection between the announcement and fat people, it would be very helpful to me because the sub text is not at all obvious to me.

    1. Cali*

      My guess is that it was known that the candy dish was what was moved to the drawer – either it was obvious or other coworkers had already said something about it beforehand – the LW says she’s gone for days at a time so it could have been said while she was out. And I think the coworker who made the fat comment was making a self-deprecating joke and/or passive aggressive statement about wanting the candy in the drawer so they weren’t eating it. That was my assumption anyway, but no way to know for sure without clarification from the LW.

    2. nonegiven*

      Because the person who called herself fat is the one that moved the candy. She knows she is the one that moved it.

      1. LQ*

        No. The self-identified coworker and the candy jar moving coworker are 2 different coworkers. Not the same one.
        “At that point, another coworker”

    3. WillyNilly*

      The far comment I believe meant to casually convey the message “that [moving the candy] was done because people such as myself have self control issues* around sweets. Out of sight is out of mind.”

      *As hundreds of comments in this thread alone have confirmed, the overwhelming popular opinion is that consuming/not consuming sweets is seen as a “self control” issue, not a medical issue (such as an eating disorder). This mentality is so pervasive, just about all overweight or self perceived overweight have internalized the message, regardless of the truth behind it. (And to be fair, for some folks it might be true. It’s just far from universally true.)

  118. WHERE DO YOU FALL???*

    I have no substantive commentary to add to this rich, nuanced discussion, but after I discussed this post with my friend they made a chart. Click the post name/link to place yourself on it. This is very important.

  120. Noah*

    I was totally with OP’s approach until she said this: “For example, if you just developed a peanut allergy, I would refrain from including peanut M&Ms anymore since they would be a temptation for someone dealing with a serious health issue.”

    She is willing to remove candy if the reason it “temptation” related to a “serious health issue.” First, we don’t know that the co-worker isn’t dealing with a serious health issue, so maybe by OP’s standards she should be removing the dish. But, even if we did have that info, once you’re willing to bend to temptation, it seems oddly capricious to distinguish between the reason the temptation is bad. In my opinion, OP lost her right to make this argument when she took this position.

    So, how should she handle it? By removing the dish.

    I would note, this is specific to OP and her personal views as stated here. I don’t care about other people’s temptation problems, so I would be free to leave the dish on my desk. Because I am not being capricious. You don’t get to arbitrarily treat some coworker requests different from others, and that’s exactly what OP is doing.

  121. Anoncorporate*

    This is not the point of the letter, but if I were the coworker and were that desperate, I would just dump the chocolates into the trash (and hide the trash) when no one was looking. Then it would look like they all got eaten, rather than suspiciously moved to the drawer.

    Basically, everything about this letter is bizarre.

    1. TheFacelessOldWomanWhoSecretlyLivesinYour House*

      SO you would destroy other people’s stuff? Why not just keep your hands to yourself?

      1. Anoncorporate*

        I just meant the coworker would have been less likely to get caught by doing that. The candies would get eaten anyways. But no, *I* wouldn’t do this.

  122. Shoes On My Cat*

    OP, your co-worker is an ass. Your feelings are totally correct and legit in this situation!!! However, as Alison mentions above, spend your political capital elsewhere. Be The Person Who Creatively Dealt With “Jane’s BS” (put candy & meds in a drawer that is easily accessible and leave it open when you are working. Be the bigger person. NOT SATISFYING! ….YET. This is probably her first salvo in trying to get her co-workers to police her calories for her. She will escalate, just not with you since you have been reasonable. It will escalate more until the ridiculouseness hits the fan. Be patient and hide those smirks. Someone with that type of personality will very likely also have work productivity/responsibility issues. Let those not be masked by The Great Candy Dish War of 2019. As they say in New Orleans, “Let [that PIP] roll”! ( Have been there a few times myself with similar petty BS. I used to fight the good fight. And got burned. Eventually I stepped away from that pile of Doo-Doo to keep my job and watched in pleased surprise as the perp tanked him/herself without my interventions to smokes red the actual core issues. Ooooh. The happy dances and absolute glee! And I got credit for being professional! And reasonable! And when the next character eventually came along, I had so much cachet with management as being “The Reasonable One” that the splatter pattern stayed farther away from me, as they also tanked themselves. Hardest to do the first time. Seriously hard!!!! But try. Save your political capital for getting included on projects, not getting laid off because easy to get along with, etc.

    1. Rocky*

      I am genuinely confused by the idiom in this post. “The perp tanked him/herself without my interventions to smokes red the actual core issues” doesn’t mean anything to me. I’m not criticising you, I’m from the Antipodes, so I’m just amused by how far one person’s (native) English can be from another’s :-)

  124. Not An Intern Any More*

    How about putting the candy in an opaque container? Have one that fits on the desk so people know where to find it. The dieter doesn’t have to see it.

  125. thelettermegan*

    I’m going to throw out a dissenting opinion.

    Sugar is addictive. You shouldn’t leave it out for people to graze, no matter how much ‘fun’ it is. And if anything is ever ‘for the community’ you’re going to have deal with some blow black. You don’t get to decide what’s best for the community. The community gets to decide what it needs, and if it decides it doesn’t need to look at candy that’s been left out for days, someone is going to act on it. Many people manage their diet by keeping it out of their general vicinity, and no, you don’t manage their temptations, but you don’t have to bring in candy either. Why are you doing that? What’s the point? Do you think it’s nice? People are telling you it’s not nice. You’re supposed to figure it out so that they don’t have to have this awkward conversation with you.

    And technically, though it is ‘your’ desk, the company owns it. Your cubicle is just like a school locker, there’s more than a few people who can go through it at anytime with or without your consent.

    Leaving out candy and medicine for everyone, to me, sounds like you are more interested in being ‘helpful’ and ‘pleasing’ rather than focusing on your work. If you were in my office, I would have tossed the candy after you left and told you that treats are only for special occasions when you asked where you bowl had gone.

    So how do you navigate this? Stop bringing in candy for grazing and focus on actually being a good coworker by getting your work done.

    1. Agent J*

      This feels…unnecessarily hostile.

      And as a quick point of clarification, only two people thus far have spoken up about the bowl. I don’t think we can for sure say “the community” doesn’t want this candy or infer that OP is not a good worker because she feels strongly about it.

      1. Eleanora (UK)*

        But we also don’t know that the community do want it.

        What we do know is that OP believes she is doing this for the community – and seems to feel righteous anger on behalf of them. I’d be curious to understand whether the rest of the office would actually mind at all if it was in a drawer instead of out on the desk…

    2. A-non-nee-Na*

      Not everyone who works in the vicinity of a candy dish “grazes” at it regularly. I’m not siding with one employee or the other here, but many, many people can have one piece and walk away.

      1. Katherine*

        A few things:

        ” People are telling you it’s not nice.”
        One person. Not “people.”

        “And technically, though it is ‘your’ desk, the company owns it. Your cubicle is just like a school locker, there’s more than a few people who can go through it at anytime with or without your consent. ”
        – This analogy makes absolutely no sense. Yes, some people might be allowed to open your desk drawer without your consent, but there’s no indication that the coworker is one of those people. The principal of my high school could go into my locker, but my classmate would get in pretty big trouble for doing the same thing.

        “Leaving out candy and medicine for everyone, to me, sounds like you are more interested in being ‘helpful’ and ‘pleasing’ rather than focusing on your work. ”
        Not sure how long it takes *you* to fill a bowl with candy, but providing treats and focusing on your work are not mutually exclusive. Your comment is really unkind, judgmental, and condescending.

        1. Ginger Ninja*

          I provide candy at my work place.

          I also know how productive at work I am, because my company does monthly catch ups and show you the metrics for your formal end of year review.

          So, I know that providing candy to the office AND being a good worker are not mutually exclusive.

          In fact, it’s helped. For instance, I’ve talked to the accounting team whenever they wander over. I now know more about how they operate and how it impacts my department. Same with IT.

          We also have a puzzle on the table near us, because our boss understands that people can’t work at 100% efficiency for 8 hours a day. When people need time to recharge or just clear their head, they’re more than welcome to take 5 mins on the puzzle or grab a snack.

          Assuming that people need to develop their work ethic or aren’t contributing at work over the minutes these things take is, well, completely ludicrous. It’s so ludicrous it comes off as if you’re just trying to use an additional argument to shame the OP.

          You may have also missed the OPs update, there’s been considerable disappointment from multiple people that the candy is now gone. The community may be saying something, but it’s not what you stated.

  126. Hiring Mgr*

    As a boss, I would be really disappointed if my employees couldn’t work this out among themselves

    2. Sunshine*

      As a boss I’d want to know if one employee was attempting to domineer and bully other colleagues.

      1. Eleanora (UK)*

        None of this rises to that, from either side. I’m with Hiring Mgr – I’d be very disappointed if I was asked to get involved in this.

        1. Sunshine*

          Co-worker is definitely bullying her colleagues. “Do as I say or i’ll throw away your stuff.” You really don’t see that as bullying?

          1. Eleanora (UK)*

            In a public argument in which the OP put the colleague on the spot? No. Everyone just needs to calm down and move on here, we’ve all said stupid things in the heat of the moment when feeling frustrated and embarrassed in front of a crowd.

            If this came to a manager, neither employee comes out looking good, but no one is a bully – this is two colleagues who need to work out how to resolve this in a way that works for everyone, and really isn’t a manager’s concern.

            1. Sunshine*

              Co-worker put OP on the spot and was 100% in the wrong. If you take someone else’s stuff without asking you are putting *yourself* on the spot.

    3. Traffic_Spiral*

      If it had started as a request to keep the candy out of sight? Yes, I’d expect them to handle it. But when it starts as one person moving or throwing away someone else’s stuff? That is where I’d expect to step in and be like “no, we don’t do that. Use Your Words and find a compromise, but you don’t get to touch someone else’s stuff.

      But personally I take a *very* hard line on taking other people’s food/drinks/stuff because I find that escalates like woah. People get snarly when you take their stuff- especially food, so there’s a pretty solid “no” on that.

      1. Eleanora (UK)*

        I genuinely cannot imagine asking my manager to get involved because someone moved something from my desk into my drawer. He’d be beyond unimpressed. As would I, if one of my team asked me to get involved.

        1. Sunshine*

          “Jane is hiding my stuff and threatening to dispose of it if I don’t obey her arbitrary and bizarre demands.” – yeah, I’d want to hear about that.

  127. CastIrony*

    I am wondering if there is another healthy option OP could add, such as packets of craisins or packets of trail mix. At Walmart in December, a pack of thirty packets of trail mix was around ten dollars in my state.

  128. Anon to avoid sounding hyperbolic and silly*

    I’d be nervous about the character of the co-worker, given her thievish and encroaching behavior. In other words, I’d be expecting something worse from her at any moment after this. So my empathy would be tempered with fear, and I don’t feel that is hyperbolic. As an example, when a man tried to take my aisle seat on a transatlantic flight, and it took several minutes of insistence to get my seat back, I felt nervous for the rest of the flight with him sitting next to me, for me and my possessions.

    Does it change anything if you look at this as dealing with a co-worker who frightens you? For me, I don’t know if I would report it because again, I’d fear worse consequences. Maybe this is from having experienced bullying. But the OP has just as much, or more, “right” to feel aggrieved as her co-worker does, and more reason to feel afraid.

  129. Argh!*

    I agree with Alison’s main take-away: choose your battles. Is this a “hill to die on?”

    I’m on a low-carb diet, and our candy dish coworker has a separate one with sugar-free candies. I contribute to it, and it’s actually part of my solution to temptation — I can have a few treats without having them on my own desk (which would be horrible temptation!). I keep nuts in my desk drawer for my afternoon snack, so I am taking care of myself. Our candy dish desk is near the main entrance to cubeville, so it does present a temptation, but there’s also another entrance, so if it was too much for me I’d have an option.

    If your candy-eaters include someone with a desk where the candy dish can be moved to, that could be a win-win. If your main reason for having a candy dish is to be visited by coworkers, you would just have to be their visitor instead. You could still contribute to it.

    Your coworker’s happiness really depends on her ownership of her problems, but until she gets to that point, helping her out a bit won’t cost you a lot.

    This is definitely one where I hope for an update letter!

  130. Scooper26*

    So, I might be totally off-base here. But looking at this from a different angle, it seems like the best solution is for
    either OP or her coworker should move desks. I don’t know how difficult that may be, but if the temptation moves further away where the coworker is less likely to come across it that seems like it will save a lot of problems.

    (I know it can be difficult to move desks and this might not be reasonable. I’m just throwing it out as a solution

  131. Another Side*

    I’m team Jane on this one.

    First, it isn’t OP’s desk. It is the employer’s property. Jane didn’t go through OP’s purse or look through her personal property.

    Second, there are many work cultures in which Jane’s actions would not be out of the norm. I’ve certainly worked in places in which a relatively minor move of something like that to a drawer would have been commonplace and acceptable.

    Third, Jane owned what she did and proposed a compromise (only having it at OP’s desk when OP is there). OP responded by biting her head off. I don’t think that OP’s response was warranted.

    Finally, the idea that OP feels entitled to control what occupies space on her employer’s property while she is out of the office for several days at a time is a bit jarring to me.

    OP’s letter reminds me of a former coworker who felt entitled to have flowers on her desk every day, even though those flowers cause me debilitating and severe migraines and she only worked in the office 25-30% of the time the flowers were there.

    1. LGC*

      Generally? Yes, people are allowed to bring personal possessions into their assigned work area (within reason) and set them up as they see fit. And generally, it’s expected that if you’re using someone else’s workspace, you try to keep things close to where they were (and not to hide or misplace them). I mean, yeah, I’ve had to go through employees’ stuff and I’ve moved stuff on coworkers’ desks. The thing is, I’ve tried to remember to put stuff back where I found it, and if I forget and someone gets mad at me about it, I apologize because I understand that even though they don’t legally own that space, they do feel ownership over it.

      On that note, I’m inclined to cut the letter writer some slack for “biting her head off” – Jane repeatedly violated a common boundary and wasn’t sorry about it! Even if you think sugar is the deadliest toxin known to man, I’d still think that’s a far worse offense than leaving a dish of Hershey’s Kisses out for Fergus and the crew.

      Also, I’m really sorry that you had to deal with the flowers. (Correct me if I’m wrong, though, but if they’re literally causing migraines, that would actually fall under ADA if you’re in the US, right?)

    2. Lehigh*

      Yeah, I’m not vibing with the “violation” talk happening in the comments. Apparently OP has big boundaries around anyone touching her desk, even when she’s out for days at a time, but…how was the coworker supposed to intuit that? Maybe it’s part of their office culture, but I’ve never worked somewhere where I had a reasonable expectation that no one would open a desk drawer while I was gone! Does no one else have coworkers occasionally use their desks? Or need to look for a file or piece of documentation?

      Since I don’t see the big deal about the desk drawer, I just see a conversation where two people had about the same level of dug-in-ness. I agree that the coworker really can’t dictate what the OP brings or doesn’t bring to work. I don’t agree that the OP can dictate that the candy stay out for days at a time while she’s gone. I think whichever one of them give a bit is going to come out looking the better to the rest of the office.

  132. Seeking Second Childhood*

    I’m kind of sick at all the bickering.
    How about a closed lidded container instead of an open or clear bowl?

  134. LGC*

    …this post is an experience, y’all. Honestly, at least 75% of the reason I’m posting is just so I can say I was here when Alison does the end-of-year wrap-up and this letter is at the top of the most commented on posts.

    So anyway. I’m probably repeating what other people have said, but:

    1) The read I’m getting is that at least a few people in LW’s office have a pretty unhealthy relationship with food and weight. (Starting with the coworker that joked that LW was addressing fat people like themselves.)

    2) And that includes Candy Mover. That especially includes Candy Mover, who I actually…at first I thought she was being a jerk, but now I feel bad for her. Framed another way, she’s so compelled to eat candy that she can’t even look at it, and if she does eat it she feels extremely guilty about it. The real solution is for Candy Mover to see a therapist and evaluate her relationship with food so she can hopefully get to a healthier place with it. It’s a lower-stakes version of the short-answer LW3 from this morning, from the coworker’s perspective – she’s in an environment where she’s constantly surrounded by a substance she has a disordered relationship with.

    Honestly, though – reading the letter again (I read it on the commute home and read it again), it sounded like the LW had a conversation with Candy Mover and both of them dug in their heels because they both had somewhat valid points. (I’m in agreement with the masses that LW is way more right here, though.) Why not…like, speak to her again? It seems like the issue is that it’s in her line of sight, not that the dish is out per se. If the LW got a plant or something and put the dish behind it, that might work.

    (Or I could be wrong and she could be even more bonkers than I assumed, in which case this doesn’t apply.)

    1. wittyrepartee*

      She was probably really embarrassed about the letter writer trying to figure out who had moved the bowl too. Then she lashed out.

  135. crookedfinger*

    I wonder… If she’s willing to forgo it while you’re there because you might want some, maybe she’d also do it if you just… told her she’s not allowed to have any.

  136. Mellow*

    The situation reminds me of an older cousin I have who, when we were kids, would pick on me mercilessly, out of the blue and when we were alone. Of course, I would defend myself, and, from the next room, we’d hear “Knock it off, you two!” from our mothers.

    It drove me nuts to be be chastised for handling something I didn’t bring onto myself in the first place.

    I’m with the OP. This is about principle, not about candy, and it begs the question: which other boundaries is the coworker ignoring?

  137. Catalina*

    I sympathize with the candy-hider because I struggle with binge eating. If there was chocolate in my office, I’d think about it so much that I wouldn’t be able to focus on anything else. A covered lid would make no difference if I knew the chocolate was there. I would probably cave around 10 am, and go back for a second piece at 10:15, vowing not to have any more. At lunch time I would drive to the store and buy my own bag of kisses or M & Ms so I could eat as much as I want and no one would know. I would probably eat half of it. If it was a good day, I’d throw the other half in the trash. If it was a bad day, I’d tell myself that I’d add it to the candy jar, knowing full well that I’d eat the rest around 3:00. I know that candy is bad for me, but I’d get so tired of thinking about the candy that it’d actually be such a relief to focus on something else, even if I felt sick after eating it. (I’m not saying all binge eaters do this–this is just me.)

    And who knows what might happen after that…one binge can set off a whole cluster of binges for the next few weeks. I feel terrible and ashamed of myself for doing it, and that just makes me want to do it more because the sugar is so addictive.
    So yeah, candy is not a joyful thing for everyone. Binge eaters tend to hide their binges out of shame, so you may never know if someone in your office has that problem. (But I would never presume to move something from a coworker’s desk, or even ask other people not to enjoy candy in the office. My illness is my own problem.)

    Maybe the candy dish owner could offer a compromise, like the candy dish will only come out on Fridays and holidays? It seems like it would make it more special and reduce the days of temptation for the candy-hider.

    1. Candy Was The Worst*

      I sympathize too! This comparison might be useful for OP:

      I used to binge-eat candy, too — one miserable night with insomnia, I got through easily two dozen Hershey’s chocolate bars, one square at a time (and these were the big bars too). A few days later, I realized something had to change, and asked my roommates to help me give up sugar. I knew the only way I could do it was if there was no sugar in the entire house, period, at least for several months while I adjusted.

      One of my roommates agreed easily — the other dug in her heels, hard, and didn’t want to do it. And I got ticked at her … but only because when she moved in, at *her* insistence, we’d removed all alcohol from the house, because she came from a family of alcoholics and was terrified of becoming an alcoholic herself. She couldn’t handle herself around alcohol; I couldn’t handle myself around sugar. And when I made that argument to her, she relented, and out all the sugar went.

      There are two important differences, though, in my situation vs. OP’s:

      – Home isn’t like work. I knew I couldn’t live with sugar at home, and I didn’t (and still don’t) see that as a failure of self-control. Some people can reduce things; others have to cut them out completely, and I’m one of those and I knew it. You have more rights to comfort and emotional safety in your home than you do at work, and I think OP’s coworker is a little miscalibrated there.

      – Reciprocity. My reluctant roommate would’ve had much more of a leg to stand on that my request was unfair if she hadn’t made a similar request herself. OP’s coworker asking for a concession for her that makes things less good for everyone else is a real strain on the unspoken sense of reciprocity that governs all healthy long-term relationships. If I were advising the coworker, I’d suggest she offer to maintain something nice for the office in lieu of the candy dish she was asking them to give up (a health food dish? a bowl of fiddles and toys? whatever works!).

      I know none of this is actionable advice for OP, but I thought it might help to have my perspective about where and how an ask like this comes from.

      1. I don't understand*

        I don’t understand how you would be tempted to eat food that is not yours, nor did she offer it to you. If your roommate had it and purchased it with her own money, how would you be encouraged or tempted to eat that? Same with the alcohol. If you purchased alcohol, how would she feel like she should have some of it?

        Signed,
        Someone also living with a roommate and we each buy our own food. I never feel like “helping myself” to anything she purchased because it does not belong to me.

    2. wittyrepartee*

      This is what I thought too. I’ve had close friends with eating disorders. They’re the worst.

    3. Observer*

      So, the CW gets to go into the OP’s desk, take / move their stuff and then demand that the OP makes changes because they MIGHT have a condition.

      If you expect someone to make changes for you, you need to ask like a decent person (ie the basics of politeness). AND you need to explain why you are asking that. You also need to indicate that you are doing something about your problem. So, for example, you would come to your coworker and say “I have an issue where just knowing that that bowl of candy is sitting there creates major distraction and sometimes even physical problems. I’m in therapy to deal with this, but in the meantime would you mind not having that bowl out all week?” Hopefully your coworker will be willing to do something like that.

      You don’t get to start taking things off your coworker’s desk though, and when called on it, tell them that they are a terrible person and that if they don’t stop having the candy you are going to keep throwing it out because “I have a self control problem.”

      1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

        Agreed. The coworker may have a legit issue but they have gone about asking for help in dealing with it in a really hostile and childish way. The OP might have also been a bit childish but that doesn’t mean they are obligated to acquiesce to unreasonable demands and behaviour without some kind of polite discussion with the coworker.

  138. Owler*

    As I’m reading these comments, I realize I HATE when there’s a candy dish on a co-worker’s desk. The increased foot traffic; the weird, makeshift filler comments—”oh, don’t mind if I do!”, or “oh, I really shouldn’t” or “hmm, what should I choose today?”—and the crinkly wrappers all drive me bananas. I don’t mind snacks, especially where people gather naturally (be it on the front desk or in a communal spot like the kitchen), but I guess I’m getting curmudgeonly about a candy dish in the work area. I’m realizing it’s a bit like hearing a cough drop wrapper being opened in a symphony performance, in that once you notice the sound, that’s all you notice.

    And now I’m grumpily imagining the crreeraaakkking sound of cellophane being unwound ’round a peppermint candy. *Shudder*

    1. Lynn Marie*

      Yes, to me the insistence on having the candy in an environment where it is not needed is the aggressive action. The co worker’s response might not be optimal, but the OP’s emotional attachment to the “institution” of the candy dish is way out of proportion.

      1. Agent J*

        I guess this is where it comes down to personal preferences/opinions because to me, Coworker’s threat of throwing it away is the thing that’s way out of proportion. Maybe this is one of those situations where regardless of where you fall on Coworker vs. OP, the best advice is to communicate and de-escalate.

  139. CM*

    Office politics are weird, man. I read the letter and I was like “Wow. That’s a lot of anger to hold about moving a dish two feet from where it was.” And then I scrolled through the comments and saw how many people are pissed about this – from one side or the other – just by hearing it described. I’m even a little bit pissed about it, now, because I don’t think it should be a big deal and I’m flashing back to all the times a coworker made a big deal out of something I didn’t think was a big deal and vice versa.

    I feel like this shouldn’t be the way. What would need to change about our offices for us to not get mad about the candy bowl?

    1. Sunshine*

      We would need co-workers to keep their hands to themselves and not violate other people’s boundaries.

    2. Anoncorporate*

      As a dieter, I actually sympthized with the coworkers resentment/frustration with seeing the candy bowl and having the stress of having to exercise willpower where there was none. However, the coworker also lacks basic self awareness and manners. You can feel resentment while knowing that the OP isn’t intentionally trying to torment you by offering candy. If I were the coworker, I would have politely asked “hey, I know this is a weird ask, but…” because it’s weird and real at the same time.

  140. Lady Ariel Ponyweather*

    Late, but the issue is that she can’t just do what she wants to your desk. If it were me, I’d take her aside privately after my anger faded. I’d tell her I understood but to please come to me directly the next time there’s an issue and not touch my things. I’d then say I’m happy to work with her as long as she communicates with me first.

    Based on my past experiences, this has nothing to do with candy but her testing the boundaries. Addressing that issue head on could stop this from escalating.

    1. Lady Ariel Ponyweather*

      And yes, if she is serious that temptation is a genuine problem, you can then work something out with her (keeping the candy in the drawer, starting a healthy snack bowl, etc).

      1. Sunshine*

        I seriously cannot fathom having the brass neck to do this. Let alone threaten to throw the candy away. Throwing away other people’s stuff because it’s annoying is the action of a toddler or an abuser. This behaviour is seriously abnormal.

        1. I Wrote This in the Bathroom*

          Right? What kind of inane slippery slope is that? What if someone finds my family photos offensive to their aesthetic taste? Maybe my family isn’t good-looking enough and coworker cannot stand the photos being in their line of vision, that doesn’t make it okay for them to throw the photos away. My desk is off-limits.

        2. wittyrepartee*

          I think this was a frustrated tell on her part. I think part of it is that she’s having trouble not eating all the candy when she’s alone with it. “it’s going to be gone anyway, I might as well just throw it away!”.

          Not great behavior, but I think that’s what’s going on here.

          1. Sunshine*

            Most ‘bad’ behaviour has a ‘good’ reason behind it. I just think it’s really important not to reward behaviour like this and I’m a bit confused that so many people are suggesting mollifying ‘Jane’. For whatever reason, she’s being ridiculous.

            Askamanager gets so many letters along the lines of:

            ‘I’m having to stand on my head twice a week and log all my PTO with the mail clerk. And beg permission to go to lunch, because otherwise Jane will pitch a fit and my manager doesn’t want to deal with it.”

            This is exactly how seemingly mad situations like that get started – you give in on one outrageous demand and it escalates.

    2. T*

      I agree, I was surprised at the 1000+ comments over an issue with a candy dish, but it’s really about more than that. I think it strikes a nerve because we’ve all dealt with coworkers who did things that crossed boundaries and were annoying.

      1. Lady Ariel Ponyweather*

        Yes, exactly. A person crossing a boundary is annoying at best and a warning sign at worst. It might not be, since some people are just weird but harmless. But whatever the reason, the coworker should have spoken up first and OP has the right to be angry. I hope the coworker drops the whole thing and leaves OP alone about it.

  141. Eleanora (UK)*

    I think I’m hugely in the minority here, but I think it’s a fair request to ask that candy not be front and central at all times.

    The colleague was wrong to move the candy dish herself, rather than speak to the OP about it, but I can’t see much wrong with making the request. She’s not asked for people not to have candy, or for the candy dish to stop being available, she’s just asked if it can be out of sight so it’s easier to ignore for those who don’t want the temptation.

    If the OP can work with the colleague on this – i.e. find somewhere that isn’t quite so visible, explaining that it’s quite upsetting when people move your stuff, so this immediately started off on a less friendly note, but surely they can figure out a way to resolve it together – then I think everyone comes away getting what they want.

    1. Sunshine*

      And she’s said that if she doesn’t get her way she’s going to throw it out.

      If Jane had politely approached OP and asked her to remove the dish, fine. What she actually did was hide the dish, be rude to OP, and tell OP that if she didn’t do as she was told, Jane was going to throw her stuff away. That’s toddler / bully behaviour and is why I think Jane is 100% in the wrong.

      1. Eleanora (UK)*

        Said, but hasn’t, that we know of. Saying something dumb isn’t bullying. We’ve all said silly things in heated arguments, especially when essentially asking for a favour and having a colleague tell you they don’t care – the colleague didn’t have anything to bargain with, meanwhile the OP just stubbornly refuses to even consider an alternative.

        Threatening to throw the candy away is pathetic, but it’s clutching at straws because she’s not getting anywhere another way. I imagine the conversation would have gone quite differently if they’d both just had a calm conversation away from the audience, instead of having it out in front of a crowd and letting it get heated. The OP puts a lot of weight on being the nice one here who just wants to provide nice candy to her nice colleagues – she may want to stop cherry picking and apply the being nice thing a little more generally.

        Simply find somewhere less line-of-sight, or a drawer. It’s not The End of the Candy Dish, it’s just a very simple way to make a colleague’s life significantly easier.

  142. Lanon*

    I don’t quite get the dismissiveness on display here. Taking personal items from a desk without permission is straight up theft. Report it to HR, expect the coworker to be fired or heavily disciplined, if it happens again report again right away.

    2. Lehigh*

      That’s not how desk drawers work anywhere where I have worked. Usually there were work items stored there, as well as possibly some non-secret personal items. Maybe at your office you have a total expectation of privacy around your desk, but that’s not universally applicable. She didn’t take anything, of course, but even if she had gone into someone else’s drawer for a post-it or a pen I wouldn’t see the problem unless it became habitual.

    3. Yorick*

      This is not theft in any way. The coworker didn’t take the dish away from OP (the candy is communal, so taking those wouldn’t be theft anyway).

  143. 2horseygirls*

    Whatever happened to personal responsibility?

    I am no more responsible for my co-worker’s reaction to the irrestible temptation of candy than I am if I have the same name as their grade school bully, or drive the same car as the one that hit them 10 years ago. I am not going to change my name or buy a new car.

    Does CoWorker walk into random candy stores and demand that they shut down or paper over their windows because they walk past the store once a week while running errands? Bless their heart.

    Beyond the basic hygiene issue of unwrapped nuts vs. individually wrapped candies, there is a higher possibility of a visitor or staffer being allergic to nuts or even nut dust than of CoWorker not being able to walk by without having a candy.

    Re: moving the candy dish. I did not read all 1,025 (!!) comments, but I think what needs to be addressed is CoWorker’s lack of conversation about the candy dish before deciding to move it out of sight into a closed drawer of someone else’s desk. Yes, most workplaces state somewhere in the handbook that there is no expectation of privacy in regards to company equipment, furniture, materials, etc. – at the same time, I cannot help but feel like CoWorker would be the first one screeching at the top of their lungs if OP decided to move something from CW’s desk top to a drawer without saying anything first.

    1. Sunshine*

      Yes. This is absolutely bizarre. I’ve seen people argue that it was on an employee to manage her own *rape induced PTSD* and not expect accommodations. But OP is expected to manage Jane’s *candy cravings* for her??? WTF?

      1. 2horseygirls*

        OMG! The first incident is utterly horrific and should be managed as kindly and discreetly as possible.

        Jane not being able to walk past a candy dish is not even remotely on the same PLANET! Not to mention it does not speak well of the employee – if an innocuous candy dish is such a significant trigger, how will this employee act when at a company dinner and faced with alcohol? Or at a convention in Las Vegas? Or when she is given a company credit card?

        I do not think Jane thoroughly thought through her response.

        1. Sunshine*

          No. The specific situation was one where the employee had asked for a male employee to be moved because she had her back to him. Half suggested a reasonable accommodation might be shifting her desk so she had her back against a wall. The other half were accusing her of being a terrible person / snowflake / misandrist. And most were saying her request was unreasonable – which I’m mainly mad at in the context of “Diets should be accommodated at all costs! But PTSD accommodations are unreasonable.”

  144. Big Red*

    I have a friend who posted the question “What is an oddly specific hill you would choose to die on,” meaning, the Oxford comma, the right kind of bbq sauce (mustard), Han shot first in Star Wars, etc. This may be that hill for me. I would totally make a stand on this. It’s about personal space and respect for people’s belongings, not just the co-worker’s lack of will power.

    Stand strong and keep the candy dish full OP!

  145. Kathenus*

    I haven’t had time to read all the comments, over 1000 already, and I’m a bit late to the party. Sorry if this was already suggested. How about a candy box instead of a candy dish? People who want candy know that they can open the box and get it, but for coworker or others struggling with temptation the candy itself is out of sight in the box? I agree that OP is in the right in the grand scheme, but making compromises in an office environment can be really important to an enjoyable workplace.

  146. wittyrepartee*

    Is it in a glass dish? You might be able to do the google offices fix for this, and put it in something opaque.

    If it helps, OP, assume she has a binge eating disorder of some kind. It sounds like the problem is that when she’s alone with the bowl, she’s likely to eat the whole thing. That’s how I’m interpreting the “what if I throw it all away” frustrated comment. She’s not in the right, but I bet she’s struggling with something hard.

    1. Eleanora (UK)*

      This – I think it would be wise to extend a bit of niceness to the colleague and assume there’s more going on/the colleague is really struggling. Yes, it’s an odd request and perhaps we should all be able to moderate our eating, but if it’s got this far, I imagine it’s really very important to the colleague, and it almost doesn’t matter whether she’s right – it’s a small cost for the ‘community’ (opening a drawer to access the candy) and a huge benefit to the colleague. Seems like a no-brainer to me. I don’t think kindness needs to be earned by being right.

  147. Mr. Bob Dobalina*

    This was interesting. The conundrum of the communal candy bowl. The co-worker was wrong in hiding the candy bowl. That was inappropriate. But I have mixed feelings about communal candy bowls in general, which are a common sight in my own office. I would prefer that my co-workers and my employer not provide free junk food temptation, but I know that some people like it, and there is nothing inherently wrong with the concept. I would never complain about.

    So, why do people have candy bowls? Is it as simple and altruistic as wanting to do something nice for your co-workers? Do you put out free candy to get other people to like you? Is it a way to get other people to feel beholden to you? (There are psychological studies about this technique–giving gifts to make the recipients feel obligated to you. When you get those cute free return address labels in the mail from charities, that’s the idea.) I once asked a candy giver about whether all the people stopping by her desk to get the candy was too distracting/disruptive, and she said this: “That’s why I do it–I like to be social and this gives me a chance to talk to people.” So in her case, the candy created opportunity (a lure) for social interaction.

    1. Mr. Bob Dobalina*

      Adding: I am trying to imagine myself in the OP’s situation, where I am taking some personal action at work, voluntarily (like putting out a candy bowl), that is objectionable to a co-worker and making that co-worker uncomfortable. I believe that, in most cases, I would stop doing that thing, to be considerate. I know that is not the popular response among these comments!

      1. Sunshine*

        If Jane had asked OP, or spoken to her about the candy dish, then being considerate would be perfectly appropriate. Caving to a hissy fit / threat is not appropriate or considerate.

        1. Mr. Bob Dobalina*

          But it’s not about caving to a hissy fit. I’m sure I would be pissed about her actions, but it’s not a pissing contest. In the end, despite the co-worker’s inappropriate behavior, I would like to believe that I would put the bowl away for the same reason that I would have put the bowl away if she had asked nicely. Even just reading about this incident, I was thinking that the candy-hider must have felt really strongly about this issue, to go to such lengths and be confrontational about it, even threaten to throw out the candy. That doesn’t excuse the bad behavior, but does speak to how important the issue is for her.

        2. Eleanora (UK)*

          There wasn’t a hissy fit, originally, though – the colleague moved the dish (and I agree they should have asked) and then got on with things.

          I think the OP made a serious error of judgement in having it out in front of a crowd, and they both ended up having a shared hissy fit, which has made this whole situation so much more extreme than it needed to be.

          I’m with Bob – if I knew a colleague was this unhappy about it, I’d reconsider/try to find a way for it not to cause inadvertent unhappiness.

    2. Lehigh*

      I’ve seen them on receptionists’ desks, often to mollify cranky clients. Seems somewhat effective.

      In a back office maybe it works similarly: making coworkers more favorably inclined toward the candy provider. Maybe there are also people who just love candy and sharing as well.

  148. T*

    It’s a minor issue made larger by the fact that the dieting coworker took it upon herself to move someone else’s things and threaten to throw out food that isn’t hers. I get the OP may need to be the bigger person here, but it’s really selfish and self-centered to expect an entire office to adhere to the dieting coworker’s no-candy-in-sight diet. This is so…..unrealistic….should the entire office stop eating candy to satisfy her? She sounds very childish and the best way to handle it may be being the better person for something so absurd like Alison mentioned.

  149. Janie*

    Wow. Lot of people in these comments acting like a bowl of candy is going to jump up and fling itself own your throat.

    You know what I do when I don’t want to eat candy? I don’t eat it. It’s easy, because I don’t act like a snickers is a freaking bomb or something.

  150. Percival*

    I just remembered something somewhat similar. A co-worker got a beautiful and expensive flower arrangement at work for her birthday and it was sitting on her desk. As the flowers opened, the perfume-flower scent was strong that it could be smelled outside of her office. She came back to her office to find the flower arrangement gone. It was later discovered that someone had put it outside on the terrace (despite the cold weather). Eventually we found out that the CEO, who sat nearby, had put the flowers outside–he said that he was allergic. He didn’t bother to ask or tell her, or even leave a note. I remember thinking that it was remarkably rude of him to do that–passive aggressive and rude.

    1. Observer*

      That’s just ridiculous. I mean, as the CEO all he needed to do was TELL her “I’m allergic. Please get rod of them.”

      Unless the co-worker was the kind of person who always argued everything, went into rules lawyering and “is that legal? Can my boss really make me do that?” mode over every stupid thing, that ALL is would have taken to deal with the problem.

    2. Anoncorporate*

      It’s possible he put them outside immediately so he didn’t get an allergic reaction (though in this situation, he should have written an apology note/email or something tell her why he did it.)

  151. montescristo1985*

    I think a kind thing to do could be to ask your coworker if there is any particular candies that she doesn’t find appealing, and try stocking the dish with those. I’ve done that before, although it was for a co-worker that I was friends with and she didn’t ask, I volunteered.

  152. Sue*

    Russell Stover makes very good sugar-free chocolate. The fact that she put peanuts in your dish sounds like she’s on a low-carb diet. If you really want to be the bigger person, you could put some of the sugar free candy in there, but I can understand if you don’t.

  153. Todd*

    If I put a candy dish on my desk and you have a problem with that, that’s a you problem, not a me problem.

    If I was the manager, I’d tell the offended person “that’s her desk, go back to yours and leave hers alone”.

  155. OP*

    Hello! OP here.

    Wish I had been able to respond to all these great comments sooner – got snowed under with work just as this was posting. But here I am!

    Let me start by saying that several days after The Candy Incident, I still have not refilled the dish. This was in part – as some of you suggested – to give myself time to process and calm down and determine a better path forward. It also was because, I wasn’t actually interested in escalating (the question was a bit academic as to whether it would be an escalation to just refill it.)

    I think that many people, including Allison, hit the nail on the head – that I would have been happy to be accommodating had it not been broached in such an inappropriate manner. I think I balked because she was so rude. In seeking advice on moving forward, I was trying to ensure I wasn’t answering childishness with childishness. And that I also wasn’t being overly accommodating to demands that no one should have to accommodate. There was clearly a lot of disagreement on that last point – and frankly, I remain undecided on just how much accommodation I am socially obligated to make even after reading so many passionate responses.

    That said, let me address a few things above.

    First, yes, I’m sure others enjoy the candy dish. In fact, in the days since I’ve left it empty, I’ve received multiple requests from people to refill it. Including from several of the bosses in the offices – I refrained from going into detail about why.

    Second, fascinating discussion about whether I have some compulsive need to please people. If I’m the real problem. Or it gives me some perverse joy in being the candy pusher. Or that this is all about my hang ups. The candy dish was added to my desk during a particularly tense and stressful period in my job when me and a lot of my coworkers were under a ton of stress. The candy was meant to be a nice way to break from the stress. (I can only assume now someone is going to diagnose me with an eating disorder myself.)

    It’s remained because the line of work that I’m in is one that should be pretty collaborative. But even in our open office plan, we often fail to talk to each other. The candy dish has proven to be a good way to get people to talk to me and to others in the office – which is a net positive. It’s a bit of our proverbial water machine. And I have found in the time that its been on my desk has helped me do my job better. People I might not otherwise talk to come over to get a piece of candy and I can say, “Hey, what are you working on.”

    Also, there was some admonishment of my saying loud enough for others to hear that they shouldn’t touch stuff on my desk. First, I didn’t actually know who had moved it. And, we have an office culture where that’s 100 percent acceptable. Frequently, we turn and say things loud enough for others to hear as to get someone to respond.

    Third, there were a lot of suggestions about my coworker having an eating disorder that I was unaware of. Or that she was trying to tell me this because she does. The coworker has a lot eating and diet quirks – a vegetarian who thinks no one should eat meat and makes that opinion vocally known. That may have been an interesting detail to include – and upon reflection I think may have predisposed me to think this was within her character to try to dictate the food access of others.

    Fourth, Alison and others suggested putting the dish away where others could go into my drawer to get it. It’s kind of not a feasible option – which I think maybe made it more annoying that she had gone into my desk to hide it, because of the way our desks are set up. Also, its with a bunch of other communal items, as I said. Some medicine. But also a zen garden that was added during the really stressful period so that people could go and rake it. And a bottle of Jack Daniels that was left there once in protest when I ran out of candy and was on vacation and has remained unopened since then.

    Finally, there were a lot of suggestions to otherwise hide it. A couple of my coworkers suggested building a paper wall around it – which given all the talk of walks in an America right now would likely produce lots of jokes. But I did worry that would actually be more incendiary than an effort to de-escalate.

    I liked the suggestions to get a bowl that isn’t see-through. And I think that’s the route I’m going to try to take first.

    1. OP*

      Also – really liked the idea of asking what kind of candy she doesn’t like. Honestly, it’s normally filled with whats on sale regardless of anyone’s particular preference. But I may also be willing to try that approach as a sort of compromise.

      And – I’m surprised no one (or I missed) picked up on the hiding of the dish when it was empty, which happened as well. So I have wondered if the dish itself is a trigger – regardless of the presence of candy, and therefore may not be solved by these wonderful suggestions.

      1. montescristo1985*

        I missed the detail of hiding the dish when empty. This combined with some of the things you noted in your response (as well as a lot of other comments here) this is sounding more like a community policing of eating candy then a personal will power situation. But I doubt that changes how you’d need to handle this to move forward.

      2. Anoncorporate*

        Someone talked about the hiding of the dish when it was empty upthread. I think most people assumed that the binge eating coworker ate all the candy before hiding the dish.

      3. Name Required*

        Thanks for replying, OP! I would like to jokingly suggest that you add a sign by the candy dish that says “And none for Gretchen Weiners”

      4. Electric Sheep*

        I expect they saw it being empty as the best time to try and make changes/ a time for preventative measures (eg they wanted to avoid it being refilled on the desk, so they took it off the desk before it could be filled again) rather than being worries about the dish itself.

        Having said that, now they’ve decided what course of action they want (dish in draw), they may dig their heels in about it. Time will tell I guess.

      5. Anon this post*

        Thanks for the additional details. I’m coming late to the post but I sympathize with the co-worker because I have VERY low resistance to the candy dishes in the office. I can’t resist anything containing chocolate but I can easily resist the fruit-based candies (Starburst) or the hard candies (butterscotches, peppermints). I think that changing what’s in the dish could go a long way toward solving the problem.

    2. Triplestep*

      The candy dish has proven to be a good way to get people to talk to me and to others in the office – which is a net positive. It’s a bit of our proverbial water machine. And I have found in the time that its been on my desk has helped me do my job better. People I might not otherwise talk to come over to get a piece of candy and I can say, “Hey, what are you working on.”

      This why I asked bout your motivation for the candy dish. Don’t get me wrong – what you say here is valid, and you’re hardly the fist person to find that having candy at their desk brings traffic and beneficial conversation. (I believe many posted links to an article about just this.) But you’re not enjoying the benefits of traffic and conversation when you are not there! And your co-worker still has to deal with the dish then.

      You could still be known as the candy provider (and enjoy all that extra interaction with bosses asking you to buy candy) if you let someone else host the candy dish when you’re not there. You’d still get to identify as the go-to person for candy, which seems important to you.

    3. sourgold*

      Stick to your guns, OP. A non-see through dish/bowl/jar is a nice compromise, but you shouldn’t have to nix a working environment technique that allows for communication and overall good feeling.

      Not to mention that the intrusion on your social space is horrendeous!

  156. Leslie*

    I’m someone who wouldn’t feel comfortable with taking candy from a candy dish, so I may be weird, but–I don’t get why it’s so important to have a candy dish. I mean, yeah, the co-worker shouldn’t have taken it and put it in the drawer, but why does it matter so much to have it that you want to find ways to keep it?

    I would also wonder if keeping a desk candy dish might be affecting how you’re perceived, separate from the whole issue with your co-worker. I can’t think of a single middle- or senior-level person at places I’ve worked who kept a candy dish. Assuming you want to be promoted upwards, it may be worth looking at what the people around and above you are doing at your company. I imagine that this is something that varies from office culture to office culture, so it’s possible that it’s no big deal. But if candy dishes aren’t a thing at the next level above you and you want to be promoted to that level, you might want to consider getting rid of the candy dish. It’s a little enough thing, but it’s a signal that people are going to read, one way or another.

    And while I think it’s unfair that this situation is being visited upon you by someone else, I think how you handle things now could also be something that people judge you on, too. Since you made a point of speaking so loudly that many people could hear it when you saw that the dish had been moved, the people in your office probably know that there’s now a conflict about it. How do you want your colleagues to think of how you handle conflict situations? You may also want to factor that into how you choose your next move.

    1. JPlummer*

      Really appreciate what you said and how you said it, Leslie. My knee jerk reaction to the initial post was that the candy dish provider and the saboteur will both be wondering sometime in the future why they were denied promotions. The presence of the candy dish and the turf war it inspired have led to some juvenile attitudes and behavior.

    2. Elspeth*

      OP replied just above you (at 2:31 pm) –

      “Second, fascinating discussion about whether I have some compulsive need to please people. If I’m the real problem. Or it gives me some perverse joy in being the candy pusher. Or that this is all about my hang ups. The candy dish was added to my desk during a particularly tense and stressful period in my job when me and a lot of my coworkers were under a ton of stress. The candy was meant to be a nice way to break from the stress. (I can only assume now someone is going to diagnose me with an eating disorder myself.)

      It’s remained because the line of work that I’m in is one that should be pretty collaborative. But even in our open office plan, we often fail to talk to each other. The candy dish has proven to be a good way to get people to talk to me and to others in the office – which is a net positive. It’s a bit of our proverbial water machine. And I have found in the time that its been on my desk has helped me do my job better. People I might not otherwise talk to come over to get a piece of candy and I can say, “Hey, what are you working on.”

    3. Anoncorporate*

      I know the LW didn’t explicitly state their role in the letter, but for some reason, I assumed they worked at a front desk! Most front desks have candy for people to take. I think it’s weird to just have candy at your cubicle, but it could be because no one in my office does this.

    4. Heart*

      See right above your comment. OPs bosses specifically enjoy their candy dish. Your whole comment is weirdly specific about a perception that I think is very personal to you and perhaps not relevant here.

  157. mcr-red*

    I’m the type that after all of that, I’d get rid of the communal candy/dish on my desk and if someone asked, say, “Oh Jane couldn’t handle seeing it, so I got rid of it.”

    Oh, I’d bring in candy for myself to enjoy. No more for anyone else.

  158. Database Developer Dude*

    So what’s the difference between a candy dish and something else?

    If everyone else’s ringtone on their cell phones is at full blast, and mine’s at 20%, but you don’t like my ringtone, is it okay to come touch my cell phone?

    If I’m a Freemason and have a coffee mug with the Square and Compasses on my desk, is it okay for you to throw it out because your religion doesn’t abide freemasonry?

    I realize I’m spitting into the wind here, but it’s not about the candy.

  159. Barney Stinson*

    The person who cannot tolerate the candy dish can stop themselves from wanting candy dish candy by remembering how many people don’t wash their hands and then root around in the candy dish.

    Instant turn off, and I don’t go near them any longer. Wrapped candy is no help. NO ONE WASHES THEIR HANDS.

  160. Amethystmoon*

    As a woman who grew up with a fat phobic mother, wasn’t really heavy growing up but was treated like I was anyway, and now has a great deal of issues revolving around eating in public in general, I will say that I am sympathetic to OP’s co-worker. However, I work in an environment where food is always around, and it’s usually not healthy. At some point, you have to learn how to say no without punishing other people for enjoying that which you won’t let yourself enjoy.

    Once in a great while, I let myself have dark chocolate (the good kind), but never eat candy otherwise.

    We live in a society which sadly, tends to cause a lot of people to have food issues. But that doesn’t mean we get to control what everyone else eats.

  161. LadyHawkeye*

    I have to partially disagree with you on this one.

    Yes, the coworker was wrong to move the candy dish from OP’s desk to the drawer. But refusing to acknowledge that some members of the community have issues with the presence of the candy dish (I’m including the coworker who tried to play it off as a joke with the “that’s for fat people like me” comment) and the temptation of it. The fact that the candy dish was empty of kisses the first time and nearly so the second time makes me think coworker is probably the one who was indulging and the second time she realized she needed to get it out of sight before she ate everything again. In this way she may be struggling with some form of disordered eating.

    People who deal with disordered eating have immense difficulty mitigating it because they still have to eat to be able to live. Food is a daily necessity. People who binge or otherwise overeat still have to eat. Alcohol is not a necessity and alcoholics can get sober. There is no getting sober from disordered eating.

    OP, your coworker admitted something to you that is incredibly difficult to own up to and your reaction was to remain mad that she wronged you by moving a candy dish into your desk drawer. Your secondary reaction was to consider making sure the dish is always full and easily accessible to someone who struggles with their eating habits. OP, please think about WHY you have this candy dish out for the community. I’d hazard that you want to be kind and provide some small joy to your coworkers. But this joy is a trap for some people. Your coworker said she can avoid indulging when you are at your desk. She looks at it as ‘your’ candy then and can likely psych herself out of going to grab a piece. The issue is when you aren’t at your desk, which you admit can be for days at a time.

    Here is my suggestion: Take this coworker aside and talk to her privately, compassionately, and listen to her. Tell her you want to move past this but you still want to provide other people with candy. Tell her that the candy dish is not for her, even when you’re not at your desk (say this with a smile). Tell her you want her to regard the candy dish as not for her! Ask her if that would help her to avoid the temptation. Ask her if there’s a particular candy that is her absolute weakness and do your best to avoid putting that in the dish.

    She owned up to moving the dish and explained why she did it. You now have the option to be kind to this particular coworker. I hope you will do so.

    1. boop the first*

      This is a good idea. I’m someone who is addicted to sugar/chocolate, and my husband is only lukewarm about it. So when we have snacks, I will probably eat most of it! But if I purchase a good snack FOR him, it’s so much easier not to eat it because suddenly it would be considered “unkind” or “selfish” in my own mind. This could work for coworker!

    2. Anoncorporate*

      I hope workplace cultures change to realize that putting out abundant amounts of unhealthy food is not always a good thing.

    3. TheFacelessOldWomanWhoSecretlyLivesinYour House*

      Actually, people fast all the time and go without eating for more than a day, so it’s not technically a daily necessity. And we have no idea if Jane has an eating disorder–only that Jane feels entitle. OP said she’s try the covered dish. Maybe Jane will learn from that.

      1. WellRed*

        It doesn’t matter what other people do, though. What matters is what’s happening here. You’re right that we don’t know one way or the other.

  162. boop the first*

    On one hand, you could switch it to a ceramic lidded dish so the contents are secret and therefore less tempting. Done.

    On the other hand, I wonder what is the source of this passion that makes one so adamant about providing snacks for others. Is it a charming excuse for social interaction? Or is it a weird pride thing? Do you just like having snacks around and don’t mind sharing? Or does it make you feel like a Provider who now has something small to hold over other people?
    Do you actually care about it, or are you just looking to annoy your intrusive coworker?

    1. Elspeth*

      You obviously didn’t read OP’s update further up the page:

      “Second, fascinating discussion about whether I have some compulsive need to please people. If I’m the real problem. Or it gives me some perverse joy in being the candy pusher. Or that this is all about my hang ups. The candy dish was added to my desk during a particularly tense and stressful period in my job when me and a lot of my coworkers were under a ton of stress. The candy was meant to be a nice way to break from the stress. (I can only assume now someone is going to diagnose me with an eating disorder myself.)

      It’s remained because the line of work that I’m in is one that should be pretty collaborative. But even in our open office plan, we often fail to talk to each other. The candy dish has proven to be a good way to get people to talk to me and to others in the office – which is a net positive. It’s a bit of our proverbial water machine. And I have found in the time that its been on my desk has helped me do my job better. People I might not otherwise talk to come over to get a piece of candy and I can say, “Hey, what are you working on.”

  163. Nicole*

    I’m not entirely on board with Alison’s response but for only 1 reason: it’s not okay for your coworker to be going into your desk. If you choose to acquiesce you should (again) make it clear that she has no right to go into your desk without an appropriate reason, because I worry that this could potentially be the beginning of her not respecting your privacy/personal space and things. I also truly hope this isn’t the beginning of her forcing her own view of things onto others. I think she’s insane, good luck.

  165. WarriorPrincess*

    I have had this situation. I treated it as a petty issue and removed the candy. My colleague has a diagnosis. And my giving in to keep the peace allowed it to escalate. She stole my lunches, yelled at me to try to get me to do things she wanted, blocked my office door to try to force me to agree with her, etc. I tried de-escalation, bought management books (I am in academe, so the chair was not going to help.)

    Eventually, she escalated out of my department. Management had to get involved. It turns out this person had terrorized everyone in my department. I had to literally be rude to stop her behavior. Once I was able to set boundaries, other began to do so.

    If this is mental illness ( the OP’s update is ringingbells), nothing the OP can do will stop this person from trying to control everyone in the office. Nothing. Controlling people feel entitled to all sorts of bad behavior. It is the illness. Remove the dish, and it will be something.

    Pick your battle. This co-worker is going to create more serious problems. Let them see this person do it. Don’t complain to the boss about it. Wait. This kind of controlling entitlement will manifest again. You will need goodwill for when the person goes overboard. It is sad that the victim will get blamed for setting a boundary. This letter section makes me sad. We judge the victim of some ridiculous behavior for defending the boundary. This blaming is what office bullies count on to get away with this kind of thing.

    Talk to your coworkers. I’ll bet the person has also pulled stuff on them. You probably are not alone. They probably all realize how crazy this person is.

    1. Sabina*

      Well stated and reflects my experience and fears for the LW. “We judge the victim of some ridiculous behavior for defending the boundary. This blaming is what office bullies count on to get away with this kind of thing.” Bully pokes victim with a tiny little stick, once, twice, repeatedly, and when the victim is finally fed up and complains or lashes out, other people are all “why are you so upset about a tiny little stick?”

  166. Picker of Nits*

    Honestly, I feel like the bigger issue here is that your co-worker felt entitled to move things around on your desk because they displeased her and made her uncomfortable. At that point you’re not defending the candy dish, you’re defending your right to something that resembles privacy.

  167. LiveAndLetDie*

    I managed a team for a long time that had some occasional very-petty interpersonal problems and almost every time, it was something like this–where one person didn’t like or coveted something on another person’s desk and went and did something about it while the other one wasn’t there. People going into each other’s office supplies because “I liked her post it notes color better,” or “She has a nicer set of headphones than me.”

    Every. Damn. Time. the lesson is “You don’t go into someone else’s things without asking first.” It’s basic courtesy. It’s a simple expectation that if you leave something on a Monday that it is there still on a Tuesday. It’s a work station, not a lost and found.

  168. Elliot Fleming*

    I kept a cut glass candy dish on my desk for about 6 months. There are several hours my store is open when I don’t work, so it wasn’t under my gaze all the time. I found little foil bits on my desk, and thought my co-workers were being greedy and untidy. Then I found a piece with little rodent bites out of it left in the dish. I switched to a covered bowl with a ‘Hi, Neighbor!” sticker on it. Opaque, and rodent resistant. My colleagues can still indulge, but it won’t tempt unwelcome attention. (Or passive-aggressive sweet shaming.)

  169. Althea*

    I’m actually really sad at the reactions to this post, both from Alison and the commentariat. There is plenty of research about how your environment can make addiction harder or easier to deal with – e.g. people who come out of rehab doing fine but go back to the home/people they used around and being much more likely to go back to the substance in questions.

    There’s also plenty of evidence that willpower is finite. When you have a hard day, temptations are more difficult to resist. It’s one of the many reasons being poor is so exhausting and so likely to be a trap. If you sap your willpower every day by having to make difficult choices, you won’t have the willpower to keep doing it, to make the sacrifices, to do what you need to TRY to get ahead.

    I read some people who are years sober talking about how it’s 100% personal choice… I haven’t been through it myself, but I think the research disagrees with you. Your own experience may hold it true, but in general for most people I think that removing temptations from the environment is actually quite helpful.

    Life is also full of times we needed to amend what we do in private spaces because of a public requirement – ordinances in our towns, and noise/smoke issues in our homes, and even laws about wearing clothing because nudity can be an issue to others.

    I get why people are debating simple candy so hard – because it’s a negotiation between what we consider private and what we consider public. It’s actually really hard to navigate! I don’t actually think the coworker was wrong to hide the candy. She didn’t steal it or even remove it from the space. She relocated it within the woman’s work space. It’s work, and I actually would expect people to go in or on my desk if they needed to. I don’t really expect privacy in a work space.

    Even if we take the tempted coworker as in the wrong, the OP was incredibly mean about it! Neither of them reacted well to the other and both were inappropriate in their tone and stance, from my perspective. I wish OP had just said, “Oh, I’m sorry it was bothering you so much. What would be helpful?” Now that this point has been reached, I hope OP still says something like that. The advice from Alison is still great.

  170. Vanessa*

    How about only having the dish out when you are there? Put it out in the morning, put it away at 5. The days you’re not in the office it’s not out to tempt her. (She did say she’s not tempted when you are there) I suspect part of the issue is you feel good about sharing and are insulted and hurt that she finds fault with it.

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