weekend free-for-all – February 16-17, 2019

by Alison Green on February 16, 2019

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: Seven Days of Us, by Francesca Hornak. A family is forced to spend a week in quarantine together at Christmas. It’s tense, it’s funny, and it does not go quite smoothly.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. BRR*

    I’m really interested in getting a stand mixer (specifically a kitchen aid) but I’m not sure I’m going to use it enough. While I would like to have constant baked goods in the house, I try to avoid sweets. I think I would use fairly often for homemade breads. If I’m not baking desserts that often, do people think it’s worth it?

    1. Sara Sunshine*

      Honestly, my roommate has one and she never uses it. It’s in a cabinet that is not easy to reach and she prefers to go for my hand mixer when she’s baking if only because she doesn’t want to take it down. Maybe she’ll get more use out of it when she moves out and has a kitchen all to herself to set it up in but at the moment, she sees it as too much hassle to take it down and set it up.

      1. Ed*

        I got a Thermomix instead of a Kitchen Aid mixter. It pretty much does everything the Kitchen Aid will do and more as you can cook in it.i steam my rice, make risotto, soup, milk different kind of flour, and lots of other things. This way my mixer gets used at least 2 to 3 times a week if not more.

    2. LDN Layabout*

      I am still in the craving but can’t afford stage, but there are so many uses beyond sweet baking for a kitchenaid. And that’s even before looking at attachments.

    3. CoffeeforLife*

      You can use to easily shred cooked chicken, make dips, whip fresh cream, make butter from cream. I guess my personal savory list is limited but! she looks so pretty when I use her. I find that when I am faced with a recipe that calls for constant mixing I am happy I have one.

    4. Book Lover*

      We have one for pizza dough and so on. I use it for baking rarely. But we have a big kitchen so it just sits quietly in a corner. I think you would not expect to use it daily, so need to think about space?

      1. BRR*

        Space is probabaly the biggest con. I’m short on counter space and I’m worried I would bet too lazy to take it out.

        1. only acting normal*

          They are *heavy* so if they’re not on the counter I’ll bet getting them in and out of a cupboard becomes too much trouble.

          1. I’m actually a squid*

            Honestly, that’s the reason I’ve stuck with hand-held mixers. Our appliance storage is in the dining room and I’ve learned that unless that appliance can justify being on the counter full-time or fits in our tiny upper cabinets, it won’t get used.

          2. zaracat*

            There are some really excellent appliance shelves you can get which fit inside an under-bench cupboard and lift out and up so the mixer is level with the bench for use (eg rev-a-shelf). Solves the benchspace problem, but they are quite expensive.

          3. pentamom*

            I actually put off getting one until I had counter space on which to keep it. They really are too bulky to take in and out frequently. I mean a reasonably able person can do it, but it’s hard enough that it would be a discouragement from using it.

            I really wanted one, though, so I got creative about making room for it and keeping other things off the counters.

        2. Parenthetically*

          I keep mine on the bottom shelf of an étagère in my kitchen, so it’s only a very small pain to get out. If I had to go to another room to get it, or god forbid take it down out of an upper cupboard? Forget it. They’re SO heavy.

    5. Lilysparrow*

      If you like kneading dough by hand and don’t mind investing the time, you don’t need one.

      OTOH, I make a lot more homemade pizza crust with it than I would without it, because it cuts the time way down.

    6. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I waited a long time to get mine and finally did for my birthday a few years ago. For me, it is SO worth it. I bake bread as a hobby (though I haven’t for a while; right now I have a starter bubbling for my first loaf in a couple of months) and I love using my stand mixer. I just got the pasta roller and cutter attachments for Chanukah and I’ve made homemade pasta, homemade ramen, homemade potstickers…

      If you enjoy the process of cooking and you do it often, the Kitchen Aid is totally worth it. I wouldn’t get it if you’re only an occasional cook or if you find the process of baking tedious.

    7. School Psych*

      If you are going to use mainly for bread, maybe a bread maker instead? My sunshine bread maker was around 100 bucks on amazon, doesn’t take up much counter space and I use it all the time. It can also be used as a rice cooker, to make jams and yogurt and to make pizza dough.

      3. Ead01s*

        Agreed; stand mixers are great for cakes, cookies and such, but if bread is your main goal, a bread machine is the way to go. I had a Kitchen Aid mixer for years, but burned it out using it to knead bread dough. The motor is just not made for that. We got a Zojirushi bread machine a few years ago and it’s still going strong. It’s great because all you have to do is dump the ingredients in and it kneads and bakes the bread for you. Or use the dough setting for pizza, rolls, etc. The best is using the timer setting and waking up to fresh bread in the morning

      4. pentamom*

        I’m going to dissent here — stand mixer bread is much better than bread machine bread. I had a bread machine for a while and the product that comes out of that is, IMO, inferior. If you bake bread frequently, it is worth having a stand mixer just for that.

    8. Wicked Witch of the West*

      I got one at least seven years ago with credit card points. I had coveted one for decades. I’ve never used it. Space is not really an issue, so it is part of my kitchen decor. Would I do the same again, probably (it’s just so pretty).

    9. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      If you have the space, they last forever and don’t wear out, so consider it a long-term investment. I got one for a wedding gift in 1993 and it is still going strong.
      Consider buying it off Craigslist/local market place (new in box) either post-Christmas / have to raise money to pay taxes, or right after wedding season. I saw a much nicer one than mine, for $100 new-in-box. Clearly someone got it as a gift and didn’t know what to do with it.
      I’ve also picked up a few attachments over time on the black Friday sales and other places. Or if you have a circle of friends and want to “try” an attachment (make sure it fits) like the noodles, etc, try before you buy.
      My sister made me a cute cover for it, and I had it (for a long time) on a rolling cart, so I didn’t have to get it out, but could roll it to my “baking corner” in my last place.

      1. Marika*

        Yes… UNLESS you get a Costco model… I got one as a wedding gift – it lasted 3 years and burned out. Turns out, the ones sold at cheaper places have plastic gears, not metal – they don’t last, ESPECIALLY with bread dough.
        Check your model numbers carefully before you buy!

        For the record, I’ve now got a top-of-the-line one that lives on my counter, gets used all the time even though I’m basically medically banned from most things containing flour or sugar, and will be all but the last thing that gets packed when I move at the end of next month!

        2. BRR*

          Interesting. I was looking at one from Costco so I’ll need to imvestigate further. From what I’ve learned so far they switched to plastic gears at one point in the early or mid 2000s but after a huge hit to their reputation switched back.

          1. Natalie*

            If you bake a lot of bread, I’d really recommend avoid the tilt-head models (which is what’s usually available at Target, etc) and get one of the bowl lift models. The tilt head just isn’t that strong and lots of heavy duty work like bread wears on it.

        3. pentamom*

          There are different grades. Do not get the lowest end one, which is probably what the Costco version is. Get at least the Artisan model, or one above that if you want to spend more and have more capacity.

    10. Lost in the Woods*

      Depends on what you like to bake. If you’re just planning on making basic breads most often, then you probably don’t need one, but they are an absolute necessity for enriched doughs (not just sweet breads, but anything like Challah or Brioche). I love mine, but I also love bread. I don’t buy bread at all, and I really enjoy trying out new recipes. If you’re just tipping your toes into baking, there’s a lot you can do without a stand mixer. If you start finding there are a lot of things you’d like to make which require it, then you could get one and know you’d use it. (I really recommend the America’s Test Kitchen “Bread Illustrated” book; it takes you through the science of bread and offers a lot of options at various skill levels. It’s written with a stand mixer in mind, but they always indicate when a recipe really requires the stand mixer versus using it out of convenience).

      If you get one, don’t keep it in an upper cabinet; it’s impossible to get down. Mine is inherited (c. 1975) and it’s probably 30lbs. I’ve not worked with a more recent model, but I would guess that they’d be a tad lighter. I keep mine in a lower cabinet, and I pull it out to do things in batches. You can keep all the basic heads (paddle, whisk, and dough hook) in the bowl, so it doesn’t take up more room than the footprint.

    11. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I use my kitchenaid less than I’d like, and more than I will. I find I prefer kneading my own bread–but my hands are starting to ache at night so that may end soon. I love the sausage grinder/stuffer attachment. I’ve also heard if you use a lot of kale, the bread paddle does a faster job kneading/breaking it than hands.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        I just bumped into my comment and notice that I reversed a key phrase– less than I will use it in future, because I’m afraid I’m developing arthritis.

    12. Bye Academia*

      I have one of the mini 3.5 quart ones and I really like it. I don’t use it that often but it’s small enough it can go in a lower cabinet pretty easily. Still somewhat heavy, but not as heavy as the normal size. I’m always glad to have it when I do use it. If the small one would fit your bread recipes, it’s something to consider if space is an issue for you.

    13. kneadmeseymour*

      I think a stand mixer is a slightly odd kitchen appliance in that there isn’t much you can’t make without one, but it does make many things easier. If you only like to make pretty standard breads and very rarely make desserts, I’m not sure it would be worth it. But if you see yourself making a lot of brioche or cinnamon buns, or make things like meringue or buttercream with any regularity, you could get a fair amount of use out of it. Also, mine has a pasta making attachment which I really like.

    14. Koala dreams*

      I’m not sure why you would need a stand mixer for desserts, they seem more useful for making bread. Especially if you make big batches of bread, since it cuts down on the work of mixing and kneading.

      1. Doreen*

        It really depends on what “desserts” you’re making and how much of them. I can use a hand mixer for most cake batters – but they don’t work for a lot of cookie doughs. I can mix those by hand if I’m making a couple of dozen – but not if I’m baking in large quantities. I didn’t start baking bread until I had my Kitchen Aid for nearly 15 years – until then, I used it mostly for cookies, whipped cream, pastry fillings etc.

      2. Parenthetically*

        It gets through cookie dough like a dream, and can whip up giant batches of meringue or frosting. Obviously not many people are hauling it out for a crumble.

    15. The Other Dawn*

      It really depends what you’ll be using it for and how often. I’ve had mine for probably 10 years. I use it a few times a year. I would say it’s worth it to me since what I use it for is typically making buttercream frosting. The kind with a pound of butter, egg yolks and a hot corn syrup and sugar mixture. That takes a lot of mixing so a stand mixer is great for that. I also use it for making brownies and cakes, and sometimes cookies. There’s also the occasional batch of homemade whipped cream. Luckily I can store it out of the way so it’s no big deal to pull it out when I need it.

      I would say if you’ll use it often, it’s worth it. If you’ll use it only a few times a year, but it will greatly cut down on manual work like kneading, long mixing times, or mixing very thick batter, then it’s worth it. If it’s just to mix up boxed cake mix a few times a year, probably not worth it.

    16. Traveler*

      No. I got one 7 years ago and I’ve used it maybe 20 times. It’s great for baking, but if you’re not doing it all the time… I don’t think its worth it. Its one of those things, for me at least, that sounded better than it was. For most jobs I just get my little hand mixer out.

    17. Genevieve shickley*

      I have a KitchenAid. It was wonderful while I was a house/duplex renter.

      Now I am in a two bedroom apt and the kitchen is really dinky. The only place to store it is on the washer in my laundry room. It is heavy and a pain to move, but because the kitchen is so small, the mixer has to be stored as soon as I am finished with it.

      BUT if you have room, it can be wonderful. I have a pasta attachment, 3 shredding blades, two bowls and 2 whisk beaters so I don’t have to stop to wash attachments as often. I also have a neat grinder, so I can get decent cuts if meat on sale, and grind my own meat fir hamburgers, spaghetti, meatloaf etc.

    18. Autumnheart*

      If you want to make homemade bread and aren’t sure you will put a KA stand mixer to enough use to justify the cost, I would recommend buying a bread machine instead. I would recommend the Zojirushi brand. They do a wonderful job and can also be used to bake quickbreads and to make dough (e.g. pizza dough).

    19. dawbs*

      I have a bosch (which is, IMO, a bit of an upgrade from my past kitchenaid) and I don’t use it all the time–but it has definitely been worth it for me.
      THe ability to have something that’s not ME stir up a double batch of buckeye dough while I prep the chocolate, the ability to turn on the frosting and come back 3 minutes later and have it be perfectly fluffy buttercream, etc. All worth it. BUT, I can easily go a month or 2 without using it.
      THey’re definitely, IMO, something to consider getting refurbished w/ warranty or used.

      That said, if it’s mostly for breads, I’d consider a good breadmaker instead (I got one last year and, sometimes it goes a while between uses, but, also totally worth it. I use it to make jam too)

    20. noahwynn*

      I had one that I found at Goodwill for $50. I used it occasionally for bread dough and it was awesome. However, when I moved I got rid of everything that wouldn’t fit in my car and so it was given away on Nextdoor.

      I’d buy one again if I found a good deal. However for the moment I’m getting by with a bread maker I bought at the thrift store for $10. Does what I need and I rarely make other baked goods.

    21. Call me St. Vincent*

      I actually JUST got one and I LOVE IT! I got it on sale at Kohl’s for around $250, which is a pretty good deal, but I wish I got it sooner. Just go for it :). (I got it in white to match my kitchen!)

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Have you seen the stickers made to fit them? I’m seriously tempted to bling mine up….

          1. Seeking Second Childhood*

            Well worth a google search…join me down the rabbithole! The Wonder Woman decal sets make me wish for a red mixer. My daughter wants a Harry Potter potions theme. But I’m picturing where it currently sits and really that space could use some folk art color… let the dithering commence.

    22. Where’s my coffee?*

      Do it.

      I held off for years because I’m not a huge baker. But now that I have one, it makes things easier and I wished I’d splurged sooner. Potatoes, whipped cream, meatloaf, cakes. Not that these were difficult without the mixer, but nicer with.

    23. Everdene*

      My KitchenAid is one of my favourite things. Sometimes it goes weeks without being used and then other times (Christmas) it just never stops. Remember they can be used for things like mashed potatoes and pulled pork as well was cakes and doughs.

    24. Parenthetically*

      I have one, got it 15 years or so ago, and use it once or twice a month, probably. Say you’re using it to bake homemade bread a couple times a month, plus for other now-and-then tasks (it’s great for holiday baking, and big batches of things for larger gatherings) — does that seem like “enough” usage over the 20+ year lifetime of the appliance to justify its purchase? The answer is for sure going to depend on your budget, storage space, and preferences. I definitely use my stick blender and my hand mixer more often, but the KitchenAid sure comes in handy, and it is a major effort-saver for bread!

      1. M&Ms fix lots of Problems*

        Have to echo the “other sometimes tasks” comment. My family makes laundry soap from scratch, and it got so much easier to do that when we got our mixer and the shredding attachments. Huge batches of mashed veggies (potatoes, squash, etc) or cookie cakes are so much easier with a stand mixer too.
        Plus, CHEESECAKE!!! I don’t think my hubby would make as many cheesecakes as he does if I didn’t have a stand mixer. My hubby makes a really good New York style cheesecake.

    25. Floating Shift*

      I love my KitchenAid, although I would echo the statement someone else made about how sometimes, it doesn’t get used much and then all of a sudden, it’s in heavy rotation. My advice is, especially if you’re able to get one for a good price via Craigslist, etc., is to treat yourself to a cover for it — it helps keep it clean and dust-free and also can give you an extra place to store the different accessories. Target and Kohl’s both have these. Also, I found it made using my Kitchen-Aid 100% better when I purchased a scraper blade (also known as a scraper bowl attachment) — it has a rubber edge so that as the blade/thing goes around and around, it scrapes the bowl. Makes it much easier for using with cake batter and cookie dough so you’re not constantly stopping it and scraping it down manually.
      It is heavy, so I have mine on a kitchen towel on the counter, pushed under the corner so it’s out of the way — and that way, I can slide it forward when I want to use it.

    26. Floating Shift*

      Maybe one of these would work? https://slate.com/human-interest/2019/02/best-stand-mixer-kitchenaid-artisan-mini-millennials.html
      Per the article: ” It’s 25 percent lighter and 20 percent smaller than a regular KitchenAid mixer, and clearly targeted toward millennials who live in cities. The mixer can handle all the same attachments as its predecessor (minus the ice-cream maker) and comes in a rainbow of colors . . . ”

      I love my big KitchenAid but it does take up room on the counter and it’s heavy.

      1. Jaid*

        I’ve seen the attachment that works like a sprializer, except it creates sheets of veggies instead of strips, like for lasagna. That said, I don’t really have room for even the Mini on my counter and definitely no room to store it..

    27. Loopy*

      I’ve been baking A LOT and I don’t have one, I find myself wishing for one most often for large quantities, mainly doubling frosting, doing huge batches of cupcakes, cookies, etc. I absolutely CAN do everything with a hand mixer but often I have to do it twice to double things.

      My ONLY reason for not getting one was the space issue, we have zero counter space for it. I’d say if you plan on making big batches of anything, it sure makes it easier (I’ve used them with others who have them).

    28. Phoenix Programmer*

      The paddle shreds meat like a boss. I’ll toss cooked chicken in and a min of med-high its perfectly shredded.

    30. Bookslinger*

      I love my KitchenAid mixer. It’s an investment. You can buy meat grinding (sausage), pasta-making and ice cream attachments. There are more, but that’s what comes to mind. I don’t bake as much as I used to, but I don’t for a moment regret buying one, especially now that arthritis makes it painful to knead dough the way I used to.

    31. The Doctor is In*

      I grew up with a Kitchenaid in the home as a child, and have had one for 30 years. Even though I don’t use it often, I would not be without one.

    32. foolofgrace*

      The trick with a stand mixer is you have to leave it on the counter. If it’s on a shelf somewhere, you won’t be motivated to pull it down off the shelf to use it. It’s very heavy. That being said, I love mine; I got it on clearance (box missing) and it was one of the best kitchen purchases I ever made. It makes making bread so easy.

    33. Anonymous Poster*

      I’d suggest the book flour salt yeast flour… Or some combination of those words. No need for a stand mixer, and fantastic bread recipes, if that’s what you want the mixer for.

      We use ours a lot, but mostly for sweets.

    34. JLS82*

      It is for a TON more than baking. I use mine all the time, and do not keep any appliances on the counter as I find that very cluttered and sloppy looking. It is heavy, but I mean, whatever, I pick it up and place it on the counter, whatever, no big deal.

      I just made some squash noodles this morning. I have had mine for 15 years and use it constantly.

    35. JediSquirrel*

      There are a lot of attachments available for them: meat grinder, pasta maker, etc. Would you use any of those? If so, it really tips the balance in favor of getting one.

      They are really heavy, though.

    36. Alli*

      I got one last year and I love it! I bake fairly frequently, though I haven’t mustered up the baking courage/time to try bread yet. But for cakes, cookie dough, etc, it’s awesome. I love getting to do everything in one bowl, and it seems to mix much better than me using a hand mixer. Also it makes me feel like an Official Baker, which is a helpful feeling when I completely screw up recipes.

    37. t.i.a.s.p.*

      I love mine AND I NEVER THOUGHT TO USE IT TO SHRED MEAT! So happy I read this thread!

      Usually for a runny batter like cake, I just mix it with a whisk by hand. Some smaller batch things I use my hand held mixer. But for anything thick or in a larger batch (muffins, cookie dough), I use the kitchenaid. I also use it to make whipped cream, butter cream icing, angel food cake, dough (pizza and bread). I don’t have any of the attachments – just the stand mixer, paddle, dough hook and whisk thing for whipping stuff.

      Like others have said, sometimes there will be a stretch where it doesn’t get used much but then there will be a stretch where I use it daily.

      1. I Wrote This in the Bathroom*

        I have a mini one. It lives in the basement (we have a finished basement with a lot of storage) on a counter where I keep my other not-often-used kitchen appliances (mandolin slicer, a wok, rice maker, something else I forget). I had no idea it could be used for shredding meat! Really want to try it now!

    38. pcake*

      You might consider a Bosch Compact if you want to do bread and want a small mixer. It’s stronger and has more torque than a lot of mixers, and while it’s possibly not the best for cakes and such, it’s better for tough bread and bagels, stuff like that. I love mine! Btw, it doesn’t come with a standard paddle, but I use the dough hook to cream and stuff like that – it works great.

    39. Environmental Compliance*

      I have both a KitchenAid and a bread maker.

      I use the KA for primarily desserts, though I’ll use it to mix nearly anything (sauces especially). But I’ve never used it to knead bread – I’ll do that by hand if I’m not using my bread maker, because I rarely *don’t* use my bread maker to make bread.

      My KA is really absurdly heavy, and you’re not supposed to drag it across a counter (ruins the mechanism, supposedly), so I when I had little to no counter space, it wasn’t even unpacked. Now that I have ooooodles of counter, I have all the gadgets out. I think by far my most used gadgety thing is the KA, followed very closely by the Ninja. But I make a lot of dessert type things, or sauces. I use the general paddle thing and the whisk the most often.

    40. pentamom*

      One word of advice — invest in the aftermarket silicone-edged beater if you do get the KitchenAid. It completely eliminates bowl scraping for most things.

  2. Sara Sunshine*

    As a guest in someone’s house, is there a polite way to ask they turn off the news?

    I often visit with my father and stepmother for weeknight dinners or weekend afternoon hang-outs. My stepmom is retired and my father is halfway retired. They love to keep the news on the TV 24-7. When they’re eating, exercising, crafting, reading; whatever they’re doing, they have the TV turned onto the news.

    I can’t stand the constant cycle of depressing news; I filter the news I do get very carefully for my own anxiety so it’s getting to the point that I dread visiting them because I know I’ll hear things that upset me. I’m quick to ask if they want to rent a movie just to have anything else on in the background. I have pointedly asked how they can stand to listen to it so often but they’ve said they like to know what’s going on in the world. Given that it’s their home and I’m a guest, do you think I have any standing to ask them to turn it off for the few hours I’m there? When I visited with them yesterday evening, I had to listen to details of a mass shooting, a pending government shutdown, and other such things that made me hurry to leave.

    1. Foreign Octopus*

      This is difficult because, like you say, you’re a guest in their home.

      If it was anyone other than your dad and stepmom, I’d say leave it but since this is a familial relationship, you might be able to bring it up with them in a manner such as:

      “Dad, Stepmom, I love visiting you guys but I find the news distracting. Do you mind if we turn it off/turn it down so that we can speak?”

    2. Book Lover*

      It sounds like you have come at it sideways? Suggesting another option, asking if it is bothering them. Have you tried saying that you find it upsetting and you love to visit them but need to cut back if the news stays on? You know the personalities involved – would that evoke sympathy and a more positive response?

      1. Anastasia Beaverhousen*

        Seconded – being direct will often get you better results. Asking to rent a movie doesn’t get your point across as well as just telling them you don’t want to listen to the news constantly. I wouldn’t push about it, but it’s worth asking directly.

      2. Natalie*

        Alternatively, if you think they wouldn’t respond well to saying it’s upsetting – how about just saying that it’s distracting? I would find this immensely distracting, I have a hard time focusing on two different voices talking. If the silence is uncomfortable, there’s always music.

    3. Victoria Nonprofit (USA)*

      I think you can ask once, directly. If they refuse, I don’t think you should push — they get to decide how to use their house.

      1. JediSquirrel*

        That said, you are also a guest, and you have the choice to not be a guest. If you are direct and they don’t stop it, you can reduce your visits to once a week. If they notice and ask about this, you can and should tell them exactly why.

        They will get the point.

    4. Not A Manager*

      What’s your relationship like with them? As a parent of adult children, I would never want to upset them for no good reason, or have them feel uncomfortable visiting in my home. I think my mother would have felt the same way about me.

      Do you have a relationship where you have to walk on eggshells with them, or can you be pretty straightforward? I agree that as a “guest” in someone’s home, it’s hard to ask them to change what they do in their own house – (although even as a host to someone, I’d certainly turn off the news if it upset them). But are you merely a guest? I hope that you can say, “this really distresses me and makes it hard for me to focus on both of you and our conversations,” and they would respect that.

    6. Lilysparrow*

      Absolutely! This is your dad, it sounds like you’re very close.

      Even if it was a new acquaintance, it’s perfectly polite to say, “Do you mind if we watch something else? I find this very upsetting.” Particularly if it’s a really awful story.

      Since you are close, there’s nothing wrong with saying, “Hey, can we not do the constant news? It really gets under my skin with all the negativity, and I have a hard time shaking it off. It would be a big favor to me if we could put on music or something pleasant instead.”

      Obviously they love spending time with you and you’re important to them. I can’t imagine they’d prefer news noise if they realized it was bugging you so much.

      1. Koala dreams*

        Yes, I think this is the best way! Politely yet direct.

        Don’t do like my mother does it! She stands with her back to the tv and blocks the view while looking annoyed. So rude!

    7. Rebecca*

      My mom does this (I live with her now). Constant Fox News, if not that, religious shows (one was talking about Revelations, complete with fake flames on the screen, when I said, hey, that’s sort of upsetting, Mom said she found it comforting!). Other times at least it’s QVC or Hallmark movies. That’s about all she watches. I go to another room.

      But, if you’re visiting, you can’t do that, and their house, their TV, so – what about suggesting an activity in another room, like looking at photos, playing a board game, going outside for a walk, or going to the kitchen for a cup of tea, something to get them out of the room?

      1. The Cosmic Avenger*

        Actually, I was thinking she CAN do that — if I was there to visit with family, I would stay in a room away from the TV (assuming we weren’t trying to watch something together, like a movie). After all, it’s hard to talk to someone with a TV on in the background, so if they don’t want to talk to you, there’s no reason to be in the same room. I think with her father and stepmother she can ask for some time to talk to them either away from the TV or with the TV off. And if they can’t do that, then I might let them know that I feel like I would rather call then visit, because during visits I feel like I get little to no social interaction with them because of the TV. But then, I also sometimes cannot verbalize if I can hear other conversation. It doesn’t happen often, but once a voice catches my attention, I sometimes find it very hard to stop following it. (Although ironically it doesn’t usually happen in large crowds or at parties, as there’s enough background noise to be selective. It’s usually when there are only two or maybe three sources of speech.)

    8. Asenath*

      I don’t think you can do anything as a guest. I do sympathize, because I’ve cut off most upsetting news in my own life, although I grew up with the assumption that of course everyone sat through the TV evening news together after supper, and some of my relatives liked doing that until they died. Maybe you can find another room to sit in to read or something, or use that time to go for a walk (I know, bad time of year)? You might try getting absorbed in a book or a hobby while in the same room, but it can be difficult to concentrate (or it would be for me), and some people who love watching TV communally also love discussing what they watch, and it bothers them to see someone opting out.

    9. Not So NewReader*

      If true, you could say, “I am having a hard time hearing you over the tv.” This could also include the reason you can’t hear is because the tv is just plain distracting.
      You could pick activities outside their home such as going for lunch or grabbing an ice cream.
      Or you could just walk in, notice the tv on and say, “Oh I see you are busy watching tv. I will come back a different time.”

      For us we had to have a chat with parents. We got “shhhhh’ed” because they were watching tv. When the program was over we got lectured on how we never come over. (We were over every couple days.) Then we got our list of current chores.
      Yeah, may things wrong with the picture. Because there were so many parts to this story we simply said, “It’s rude/hurtful to leave the tv when company comes.” Parents honestly did not know it was rude/hurtful. (I forgot to mention the tv was so loud it precluded conversation pretty much. They did not think the tv was loud.)

      Many people leave their tv on all day for company or for background noise, whatever. But now I see that most people invite their company to another room to visit, so the tv does not interfere with the visit. And the sound is no where near as loud.

      I relate to what you are doing, I tend to think 15 minutes of news is enough for me each day. I can’t fix all that is wrong and I don’t need more stress. Perhaps at some point you can find it to say, “I have had my USRDA of gloom and doom, can we visit in the [kitchen/other room away from tv]?”

    10. Indie*

      I dont see what is impolite about expressing a preference to hosts? “Would you mind” or “How would you feel about” are good phrases. Insistence would be rude, but asking? No.

    11. LCL*

      Since it’s close relatives you have more leeway. Just say please turn off the news, it makes me angry and upset and I’d rather have a nice visit with you. My sister, who never yells at anyone, will bark at me to turn that stuff off if I have the news on longer than 5 minutes.

    12. The Man, Becky Lynch*

      I’m floored by the relationship dynamics being spoken about in this thread. It’s your parents. Not your friend or some further placed relative where you bring in a lot more etiquette and “guest” manners…it’s your parents.

      I just turn the channel at my parents house. If they’re not readily sitting there, engaged, watching the news, if it’s just background noise, I change the background noise. We usually listen to Food Network when I’m around. They’re my parents, we’re on a different level than friends, so the idea of “it’s their TV”, seriously blows my mind to pieces.

      Granted, my parents are my best friends and we lived together for over 30 years. Now that I don’t live with them, they are too excited to see me to ever be bothered that I turned the channel. They’d look at me like I was off my rocker if I “asked” them to change the channel. All I do is say “Duuuuuuuude, dad we have been listening to the same news story for an hour, are you actually watching this?” and then I ask for the remote or go collect it myself.

      1. Parenthetically*

        Hey, look, you’ve done this a couple times now. You obviously have a really close, low-key, healthy relationship with your parents, but it’s not cool for you to shame or berate people for not having that same kind of relationship with their parents. Your vocal incredulity that some people might not feel comfortable just doing whatever they want around their parents comes off really hurtful here.

      2. Asenath*

        Well, that works for you and for your family. When my parents were alive, I tried to be at least as courteous to them as I would to a stranger, and while I could and did ask if we could watch something else (or nothing), changing the channel on a show they were watching (without even asking!) would have been considered very rude. I would never have done it.

      3. Lilysparrow*

        OP also mentions a stepmom. My dad remarried after I was an adult, so I do not have a “parent” level of familiarity with my stepmom, and their home was never my home.

        At my mom & dad’s house, I would have said, “Hey, come on, do we need this garbage on all the time?” Or “Oh, more bad news!” and switched the channel or turned it off.

        But my stepmom isn’t my mom. She is a nice lady who likes me and makes my dad happy, so we’re very lucky that way. But no way would I do stuff in her house without asking.

      4. pentamom*

        I had a good relationship with my parents, but I was taught (by them) that it is very rude to change a channel or radio station, or turn off a TV or radio, that was turned on by someone else (parents cutting something off that kids are doing, being the exception.) You may ask, but the other person is completely entitled, without being rude, to continue to watch/listen to what they turned on for themselves.

        Not only do family dynamics differ, family cultures differ. You can have a “good relationship” and still have a difficult time navigating certain matters of family culture and etiquette.

    13. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      I’m fortunate to have the kind of relationship where I just turn it off if we are talking. All of my family has the TV on constantly and I never have. No idea why but I just find the noise of TV annoying unless I’m deliberately watching something.

      Which is not very helpful for you! But maybe the best way is to just ask if you can turn it off because it’s distracting you from visiting with them. If your dad is anything like mine, saying that the news is upsetting would invite even more upsetting comments about my world view, so I don’t think I’d take that approach. But saying that the constant babbling drives me nuts and makes it hard to talk would be fine.

    14. RunnerGirl*

      In my case, it’s 100% true that I can’t follow their conversation when there is TV/radio noise in the background. Even if you’re not HOH, there’s enough plausible deniability if you take the “background noise” excuse.

    15. Thursday Next*

      I just ask my parents whether we can turn it off. They’re fine with it, since the purpose of my visit is to visit *with* them.

      Honestly, a lot of the time they don’t even realize it’s on; it’s just background noise to them. MSNBC in their case.

      1. Cat Wrangler*

        Your Dad and Stepmother probably don’t even notice the actual news, just the silence when it goes off. I think it woul be good to be direct and ask if you can compromise less news programmes whilst you’re visiting as it makes you feel bad. My Dad loves watching the news but now he gets to see one complete bulletin a day- usually lunch time – and the headlines the rest of the time. Given that the ‘news’ is a lot of speculation or analysis for each headline, he doesn’t miss much. At ny boyfriends house, I just turn it over or off if he leaves it on the 24-news channel. You’ll know if your Dad will be offended or not.

    16. Phrunicus*

      Uggh, I sympathize. We live 1000 miles away from both my parents and my in-laws, so I only see them in person once a year at Christmas, when we spend about a week or so with each. My in-laws are news junkies, to the point where I was longing for previous years’ all-NCAA Bowl Games, All the time (although not one year’s all Family Feud, all the time after dinner – there’s only so much Steve Harvey I can take). So that was bad enough, and then my family doesn’t have the TV on all the time, but kept discussing stuff, and I was just like “I come here for Christmas to GET AWAY from things and enjoy time together, not listen to more rants about politics and how everything’s going to hell”. Sadly, this last point was not received at all :/

  3. ATX Language Learner*

    Happy Saturday everyone! I’ve had some very strong coffee this morning and am feeling jazzed/energized and wanted to share a bit about my language learning journey since so many people want to learn a foreign language or have been for years and do not have the confidence to speak with native people. Since I was about 17 (I am now 31), I have always wanted to speak both Spanish and Portuguese fluently. You know when life passes you by and you have literally done nothing to achieve your personal goals? Well this is how I felt a few years ago and in August 2016 I finally decided to take the plunge and start learning Spanish. I took over 150 hours of one on one classes with 2 native speakers, both from Colombia where every class since the beginning had been in Spanish as well as studying on my own. Vocab lists. Grammar. Conjugations. Sentence structure. I also had language partners from all over the world where I would send text/voice messages through whatsapp and do video calls (30 min English, 30 min Spanish). By September 2018, I was able to speak to anyone from any Spanish speaking country, just about any topic, and for any amount of time (excluding really scientific/tech related topics – I don’t even know how to speak about those in English ha).

    From September 2018 to today, I have focused on perfecting my Spanish with reading/writing/watching shows/speaking and 2019 is the year that I start my journey to Portuguese. I found an amazing teacher on http://www.italki.com who has done over 3,000 classes all with glowing reviews and some of her students have taken over 200 classes with her. I had my first class this past Thursday and she is AMAZING! My main goal was to find a teacher much like my favorite Spanish teacher, who has a master’s degree in teaching Spanish as a foreign language and is a linguistic fanatic. From my experience, it is very difficult to find someone who can take you from an intermediate level to an advanced level because at that point, you’re not focusing on learning the grammar, sentence structures, or conjugations but rather perfecting your fluency through speaking.

    My biggest tip to anyone learning a language is to speak and listen to native people from day one. I recommend learning from someone who has been trained in teaching their native language or who has taught it for many years vs someone who teaches it as a hobby. I have friends who have been learning English for 5-7 years and do not speak well because all they have focused on is learning English from books. They write, read, and listen very well but cannot hold a fluid conversation. Learning a second language takes a lot of practice, time, motivation, dedication, failing + advancing, etc. (especially when you still live in your native country speaking your native language 100% of the time).

    End rant! Hope everyone has a great weekend

    1. CoffeeforLife*

      Wow! Congrats on accomplishing a personal goal – that’s inspiring as I keep telling myself I want to learn Japanese but I just stall out. Thanks for the push!

      1. ATX Language Learner*

        I highly recommend italki.com! There are so many professors from all over the world. I imagine you’d have no problem finding a great one that teaches Japanese :)

    3. Little Bean*

      This is so impressive! I am jealous. I have taken French classes for YEARS and even did a minor in college but it was always classroom French, like your friends – so I could read and write pretty well but never spoke or understood anything like a native speaker. And now it’s been so long that I’ve forgotten a lot. I’m in the middle of a free online class in data science but maybe when I finish that, I’ll try to regain some French!

      1. ATX Language Learner*

        Thank you!! You should totally do it after your data science class! I bet you’d pick it up quickly. I highly recommend italki.com, there are tons of French teachers. Each one has a video and bio so you can hear them speak, as well as learn about their teaching style. Good luck!!

      2. JediSquirrel*

        David Sedaris has a hilarious story about all the students in his French class living in the present tense, commenting on the nice weather, eating wonderful sandwiches in the delightful cafe, all because they are in a basic course. It’s hilarious.

    5. Koala dreams*

      Congratulations!

      I find youtube and similar services to be a great help when learning languages, you can listen to a variety of topics and often there are subtitles. The video helps you follow along even when you don’t understand every word and as a bonus, you get plenty of ideas for small talk.

      1. Karen from Finance*

        I agree, the main way I became very fluent in English was through consuming a lot of media. I suggest looking into films and TV shows in the language of your interest as you pick up a lot of the casual phrases and usage, and improve your listening comprehension greatly.

    7. KP*

      In the early 2000s I worked in a diner right outside a large metro area. We had a lot of immigrants on staff. We had a juke box that had mostly either pop hits of the moment or classic rock that people especially listen to after they come from in after the bars close.

      And the staff liked all of it — but it was country music they kept punching in at slow times. A cook explained that there is something about country songs that made it so much easier for the staff to learn English. I don’t know what it was precisely. But it did seem to work surprisingly well.

    8. Rebecca*

      I am living in Paris, and I have a Parisian ‘belle-famille’ (in laws) but my language is stalling. I am pretty functional but in big groups I get lost and I am stuck at ‘very literal’. Being funny/sarcastic/ironic is a huge block for me and my in-laws often have to explain that they weren’t being serious/offensive, and it makes me feel either stupid for not getting the joke or like a delicate flower that’s constantly offended. And it’s not just language – vocab lists won’t help the fact that I feel like my entire personality is different in French. I keep wanting to yell ‘I am funny and smart!’ when I’m with French people.

      1. ATX Language Learner*

        I totally feel you! Vocab lists are awful and it takes a long time for the words to get in your long term memory but it does work if you review them daily for about a week in addition to using them when you speak. Here is my method, maybe it would work for you!

        Day 1
        Write down word + translation in English (no more than 15/words per day)
        Find example of word in sentence using the Word Reference app, I write down the sentence so I can see it in context
        Write my own examples of the word in sentences
        On the next page, I write the English translation and translate it to the language I’m learning (I do this 2 separate times)

        Day 2
        I write the English translation and translate it again, doing this 2 times
        I speak out loud to myself or send a recording to friends, using the word. It can be a random story or something made up, the most important thing is that you use it

        Day 4/5
        I repeat what I did on day 2

        By then it’s pretty stuck in your long term memory :)

        If you do this 4 times a week with 15/words each day and 6 months later only remember 50% of the words, well that is 720 new words learned :)

    9. Carrotstick21*

      Oh my gosh – you’ve accomplished my dream! I’m planning to really focus on my Spanish after I complete my masters degree – I have just enough Spanish now to understand when people tell me how in Spanish how terrible my Spanish is. :) It’s a life goal to get better at it.

  4. Anonymous404*

    Hello! Hopefully this is in the right thread. I am going to an industry awards gala for the first time ever (I graduated 1 year ago so I’m still new to all of this) and the dress code is formal- black tie optional. So what kind of dress should I wear? Would it be more like a cocktail dress or should I do a long gown? And it’s an Hollywood theme that said ladies don’t forget your gloves, so what kind of dress would be cute? My mom has no idea, she hasn’t worked in 20+ years and dress codes have changed since then, and I don’t want to look out of place. Thank you!

    1. LibbyG*

      Sounds fun! Are there photos of past years of the event available online that you could consult? “Formal-black tie optional” seems to cover a wide range.

    2. Beth*

      A black sheath (LBD) with a Breakfast at Tiffany’s vibe would work theme-wise, and then when you get tired of wearing the gloves you would still be dressed appropriately.

    3. Sammie*

      If it were me, I would go long gown, since they mentioned the gloves. Or you could channel your inner Hepburn – check out vintage styles. The dress may not necessarily be long but vintage glamour, to me, always wins.

      Have fun!

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        I’m a fan of Katharine, the “other” Hepburn. Especially “Woman of the Year”……oh the tuxedo jacket with slacks! Also a black lace floor length gown of my teenaged dreams.

    5. Marion Ravenwood*

      My go-to for this would be a cocktail length dress, but that’s because I’m short and have a mental block that anything much past my knees makes me look like someone’s hammered me into the floor. But because they mentioned gloves, I’d be more inclined to go for a long dress. Although a vintage cocktail-type dress could be really cute with short gloves (I’d go elbow length for a long dress) – think Jackie Kennedy.

    6. Traffic_Spiral*

      Honestly, you could do either the gown or a nice cocktail dress, so wear whichever one you feel the most comfortable/glamorous in. Go to some nice consignment shops if you have them (and see if anything jumps out at you).

    7. Need a Beach*

      This sounds like the kind of occasion to rent a dress! You can go more formal than is practical for everyday life without that “when TF will I ever use this again?” feeling. I would go for something long and flowy.

      I’m going to reply to myself with some rental links, since it’ll go to mod.

      1. Need a Beach*

        https://www.renttherunway.com/shop/designers/ml_monique_lhuillier/navy_odyssey_gown

        https://www.renttherunway.com/shop/designers/la_petite_robe_di_chiara_boni/red_tally_gown

        https://www.renttherunway.com/shop/designers/badgley_mischka/blush_constellation_gown

        https://www.renttherunway.com/shop/designers/la_petite_robe_di_chiara_boni/black_luce_illusion_gown

        If you want more coverage, this is long-sleeved with a nifty back detail: https://www.renttherunway.com/shop/designers/la_petite_robe_di_chiara_boni/black_cage_back_gown

    9. Kuododi*

      DH and I get invited to hospital galas and Make-a-Wish foundation parties on occasion as a part of his job. I haven’t had one that was “old Hollywood” themed however the I did attend one that was formal, black tie optional. I went to my local David’s Bridal and bought a floor length gown that was a classic design I was able to reuse at other hospital events. Otherwise, I stuck with cocktail dresses. All that to say, I would go with the floor length dress. (Disclaimer being I’m no fashion influencer!). It sounds like you’re going to a fun event. Enjoy!!! Post pictures of the dress you pick if possible. Best regards.

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        I buy all of my black-tie gowns on clearance from David’s Bridal. I haven’t paid more than $40 for a gown. Occasionally, I can also get a David’s Bridal gown in my size from Poshmark, too. I did this for events with themes such as “Oscar Night” and “Rio: Carnivale.”

    10. only acting normal*

      “Formal, black tie optional” would normally suggest cocktail dress. But for a Hollywood theme go long, red-carpet style. Personally I hate the long gloves, so I’d skip those despite what the invite says, but that’s entirely up to you. :)

    11. Anonymous404*

      Thank you everyone for your advice! I’m thinking about renting a gown, or checking out some of the consignment stores in the rich area of my city. I also looked at last year’s pictures and it seems like a long gown is the way to go!

      Thank you again all!

    13. Jane*

      If you’re a bit hard to fit (like I am), also check out eshakti. I’ve never ordered formal dresses from them, but I have ordered dresses for work or casual dresses from them, and they are AWESOME. A lot of the dresses you can pick the length and other style elements, so you can have some control over how formal they look. They have more full skirt kind of gowns than body hugging gowns, which may or may not work for your body, but the price is probably about the same as renting from rent a runway–most of their dresses are under $100, and they give a nice discount on your first order. Just make sure you order a few weeks before you need it, since they make each dress to order.

      1. JeanB in NC*

        I was looking at eShakti dresses the other day, and was just wishing I had some formal event to go to – they have some gorgeous long gowns!

  5. OyHiOh*

    My spouse passed away Monday morning just before 8 am. In the end, their heart simply couldn’t keep going.

    3. Bibliovore*

      Oh, I am so sorry for your loss. There are no words. I hope you are surrounded by friends and family who can give you comfort in the sorrowful time.

      1. OyHiOh*

        Both their family and mine poured into town as fast as Midwest weather allowed and we have many local friends who have been a text message away any time I’ve needed anything.

    4. Foreign Octopus*

      I’m so very sorry for your loss.

      I can’t imagine what you’re going through right now and I hope you’re surrounded by love and compassion.

      This stranger in Spain is thinking of you.

    5. lychee*

      I am so so sorry to hear that. I have been following your updates for past few days – particularly because I lost my father few months ago after a sudden heart attack, and all of us particularly my mother are still reeling. I was really hoping your husband will pull through. That time in hospital worrying about a loved one is among the most traumatic experiences.

      I cant imagine how tough this must be – for you and for your kids. It is going to take time but it gets better, somewhat. You are strong and never ever look back in doubt at what steps you took

      The following is a beautiful comment by a user called GSnow on reddit that has helped me. Perhaps it will help you too. Good luck
      ====
      Alright, here goes. I’m old. What that means is that I’ve survived (so far) and a lot of people I’ve known and loved did not. I’ve lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can’t imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here’s my two cents.

      I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don’t want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don’t want it to “not matter”. I don’t want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can’t see.

      As for grief, you’ll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you’re drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it’s some physical thing. Maybe it’s a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it’s a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

      In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don’t even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you’ll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what’s going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything…and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

      Somewhere down the line, and it’s different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O’Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you’ll come out.

      Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don’t really want them to. But you learn that you’ll survive them. And other waves will come. And you’ll survive them too. If you’re lucky, you’ll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.

    7. lychee*

      I am so so sorry to hear that. I have been following your updates for past few days – particularly because I lost my father few months ago after a sudden heart attack, and all of us particularly my mother are still reeling. I was really hoping your husband will pull through. That time in hospital worrying about a loved one is among the most traumatic experiences.

      I cant imagine how tough this must be – for you and for your kids. It is going to take time but it gets better, somewhat. You are strong and never ever look back in doubt at what steps you took
      Good luck

    12. Not So NewReader*

      Different lyrics jump at me at different times. When my husband passed I found these lines just drew me in almost like a magnet.
      “Endings always come to fast but they past to slow… when the singer’s gone let the song roll on, there’s a fine line between the darkness and the dawn. They say the darkest night, there’s a light beyond….” [Simon and Garfunkel.]

      This can mean what ever you want it to mean. To me, I thought about hope in the middle of despair.

      My condolences to you and yours.

    19. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      My deepest sympathy to you and your children. You were brave, and strong for him… and words fail me at how hard this must be for you all.
      Please know that you have my thoughts and prayers (My husband died a few months ago).
      Internet hug if welcomed. Please continue to come here – lots of ongoing coping wisdom here, many have helped me. Well meaning family and friends sometimes are not objective.

    21. Alpha Bravo*

      I’m so sorry OyHiOh. I lost my spouse a little over a year ago and your posts have taken me back to one of the hardest times in my life. I tried and failed to find anything to say in the face of the pain you were and are enduring. For myself, I found it got easier once I knew he at least was free from the pain. I could put down that part of the burden. Please know there are others here who are walking this path. I have found we take care of one another. You’re in my thoughts and prayers.

    23. Thursday Next*

      My sympathies to you and your children. I’ve been thinking of you, and hope you’re able to get some support during this difficult time. I’m so very sorry for your loss.

    24. DrTheLiz*

      Oh, that’s awful. Wishing you and all your family peace and respite from any other troubles. May his memory be a blessing.

    25. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I’m so very sorry for you & yours. Give the children extra hugs, it will help you both. (I lost my dad to cancer at aged ten.)

    28. Jean (just Jean)*

      So sorry to hear this. May you find comfort in good memories and continuing the parts of life your spouse found meaningful. I am glad that you have sympathetic companionship both in cyberspace and brick-and-mortar space. Give yourself/yourselves time and space to grieve. Don’t be surprised or upset with yourself if normal life and mourning sometimes get mixed up together. These are meant as observations not orders! Feel free to ignore any unhelpful comments including these.

    32. Crylo Ren*

      I’m so, so sorry for your loss. I’ve been following your posts over the last month and I can’t even imagine.

    37. StellaBella*

      My sincere condolences. I have followed your story throughout and am glad you have family and friends to lean on. May you and your family find peace in the good memories you have shared with your spouse.

    39. The Man, Becky Lynch*

      I’m thankful to see that your family is pouring in to support you. I’m so sorry for your loss and hope that you have all the love, support and assistance in this time of grieving and transition.

    40. Basia, also a fed*

      I am so very sorry. I’ve been following your posts and hoping for a different outcome. I’m glad you and your children have an extensive support network.

    41. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      I am so very sorry. I know it has been a hard time and I was hoping that things would improve. Virtual hugs for you and your family.

    43. Violet Strange*

      I am so sorry. I have followed your story. Bless you and your children and the friends and family supporting you.

    44. Sam Sepiol*

      I am so very sorry. Thinking of you and your family. I read your post last weekend and I am so sad to hear this news.

    48. Quandong*

      I’m so sorry for your loss, and am thinking of you and your children at this very difficult time.

    55. Anono-me*

      I’m so sorry. What a terrible loss to you and your children. It is good to know that you have loved ones nearby.

    57. Sybil Fawlty*

      I’m so sorry for your loss. May you feel the support of friends and family as you go through this difficult time.

  6. The Curator*

    Working this weekend but
    Joyfully wearing woolie comfort clothes. Planning a trip to Trader Joes, my happy place, and spending time with one of my favorite illustrators Brian Collier. Yes I do love my job. Tomorrow there will be much sleeping, much friend time.And maybe watching of movies.

    2. The Other Dawn*

      Ah, Trader Joe’s. I love that place…for all the things I really don’t need to be eating. So much yummy stuff there. I’ve recently discovered their salad kits. I found the Southwest one to be delicious. If I’m not a pig about it I can get two meals out of one kit and add some rolled up lunch meat to bulk it up.

    3. NB*

      My teen daughter works at TJs! It seems like a great company. I’m happy she’s there. And I’m happy about her employee discount.

  7. Blue Eagle*

    Wondering where Lyme disease came from? This week’s book is “Lab 257: The disturbing story of the government’s (USDA’s) secret Plum Island germ laboratory”. Plum Island is located off the tip of Long Island and about 2 miles south of Lyme, Connecticut.

    The lab collected all kinds of viruses from all over the world and stored them there. They did work to try to develop vaccines for these diseases (for livestock purposes), which included infecting livestock with the viruses.

    Unfortunately their maintenance procedures were lax and insects could get into the buildings where the infected livestock were, could bite the livestock to pick up the disease, could then bite birds stopping on the island and the birds could take the viruses whereever and spread them. There is definite evidence that foot and mouth disease got out of the confined buildings and infected the livestock outside the buildings that were on the island. Unfortunately no definitive evidence (but definitely circumstantial evidence) that Lyme disease was picked up there and spread to Lyme, Connecticut – where it has spread through the United States from there. Also West Nile virus and Dutch duck disease that wiped out the duck farms that used to exist in the Hamptons. Of course, the USDA’s position is that these diseases came from somewhere else and you have to prove that they originated from Plum Island. But there is proof that they lied about other safety issues related to Plum Island so it is likely that they were the source of these diseases, but good luck proving it.

    Hopefully next week’s book will be more uplifting.

    1. Bad Janet*

      Luck isn’t needed to prove it. This book is being sensational and alarmist. Scientists and museums have been tracking evidence of lyme through mammalian specimens (both human and animal) they have in their collections. Lyme has a historical record going back centuries. We just finally managed to name it in the mid-1900s. There’s an in-depth longform article out there I’ve tried to find to link here but my google-fu is weak (b/c every news station has an article about lyme and I can’t remember the researchers names). The info is out there, though.

      1. Glomarization, Esq.*

        Yeah, the first citation in the History subsection of Wikipedia’s article on Lyme disease discusses the evidence that the disease has been present on the continent for centuries:

        One study has found that prior to the reforestation that accompanied post-colonial farm abandonment in New England and the wholesale migration into the mid-west that occurred during the early 19th century, Lyme disease was present for thousands of years in America and had spread along with its tick hosts from the Northeast to the Midwest. Citation is to: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2727481/

    2. Vampire Manager*

      Just a factual point of note: Lyme disease is caused by Borrelia burgdorferi bacteria, not a virus.

  8. Pack Your Bags*

    I’m brainstorming vacation ideas so I want to hear about yours! What are you favorite vacation spots, lesser known vacation locations, vacation choices for cheap, and your bucket list vacation of time and money weren’t an issue? Just looking for any and all vacation ideas!

    Mother and I have started a yearly tradition of taking a long weekend in October to travel to one specific area and check out the Halloween activities there: haunted houses, ghost walks, costume parades, and the like. We love going to Philadelphia because there were lots of haunted houses (Fright Factory was my favorite) and we crashed a fun costume party at Xfinity Live. One year we went to Texas and went to the TX Renaissance Festival on Halloween weekend. It’s always a trip I look forward to!

    Least favorite trip would be cruise ships. Though I love all the stops they take you too, I always seem to get sea-sick, no matter the meds I try, on the three cruises I’ve done. On the last cruise I went on, I got my friends to agree to a cruise that had more stops on shore than days at sea. But a hurricane cancelled two of our stops and kept us at sea those days, so I’ve just given up on cruises.

    Dream vacation would be a photo Safari in Africa. It’s something my mother and I have always wanted to do together; a real bucket list item for the both of us.

    Anyway, give me any and all ideas and stories you have of vacations! Would love hear some!

    1. SarahK*

      Definitely recommend anything in Africa. I’m American but lived in Tanzania for two years, and a few months each in Zimbabwe and South Africa. Happy to offer any advice or assistance :)

      1. coffee cup*

        Sorry, not the OP, but I’d love to hear about your experience living in Tanzania. What did you do there?

        1. SarahK*

          I was in the Peace Corps, so I worked as a high school science teacher in a small village. Amazing experience, I’d love to go back permanently.

          1. coffee cup*

            Ah I see. I think teaching is the best way of moving to another country, but I’m really not cut out to be a teacher. :(

            2. Pack Your Bags*

              There are lots of other ways to stay long term in another country! In 2012, I spent three months in Peru at a rain forest conservation center with Projects Abroad. The program has all sorts of options besides teaching, including archeology, medical assistance, sports training, and more. Trust me, I’m not cut out for teaching either, so I was really excited to find non-teaching options. They’re out there, some online research should flesh them out.

              1. Marion Ravenwood*

                Agreed. I worked in Melbourne for six months (in two different offices, doing admin/marketing and comms as that was my background at home) and in hostels in New Zealand for another six months as part of my Working Holiday Visas when I was backpacking. If I’d wanted to, I could have swapped one of the office stints in Melbourne for three months of ‘rural’ work – which could have been as much as working in a hostel in a small town in Queensland, it doesn’t have to be super-rural like ranch work or fruit picking (though it can be if that’s what you want!) – and stayed for another year. Sadly the programme is only open to those under 30 (or 35 if you’re a Canadian/Irish citizen), but if you want to experience working out there it’s definitely worth looking at.

    3. LDN Layabout*

      I’m lucky enough that for me Paris is a 2.5 hour train away so I tend to do at least one weekend a year on cheap tickets and a hotel deal. I’ve done all the tourist-y things so I might repeat one thing a trip and then do foodie things/walking around the rest of the time.

      Places people are always shocked about: Marseille and Turin. There’s a snobbery re: Marseille that it’s a big ugly port city where the rest of the south of France is some idyllic dream and to that I say *blows raspberry*. It’s a city, people live in it, it’s wonderful and warm and vibrant. Turin is also an industrial town so people write it off but there’s still so much history and great little pockets of great architecture and those moments where you see a completely normal building and it’s over the top and Italian and it’s quite frankly upsettingly pretty. Also the car museum is amazing even if you don’t care about cars, me and my friend thought it would just be a warehouse full of cars and we were wrong. It’s wonderfully curated.

      Also both the places above have some mindblowing food, from street food to the fancy.

      Strategies for cheap: Figure out your travel style and exploit it. That’s from points on hotel/flights/credit cards, to knowing what’s important to you. I care about food, so I do my research, book anything essential and make a google map of all the places we could hit up on the way (it means no fixed planning to stress over but we know where the good stuff is instead of falling into a tourist trap).

      I also know I like doing at least one fancy meal a trip, so I tend to budget around it so I can really go out for that one meal (usually tasting menu/somewhere with michelin stars) and not panic about argh look how much I’ve spent.

      If I went on a beach holiday with nothing else to do I’m probably end up screaming into the void after three days.

      Dream Vacation: Year to travel, round the world tickets with a break in that to do the ship between the UK and NYC. Also would want to do some luxury trains in there, I’d probably focus more on places I haven’t explored at all, Asia, Australasia, South America and Africa.

      1. Kate*

        My spouse had a conference in Turin once and I tagged along. I was pleasantly surprised! One of the biggest Ancient Egypt collections in the world, and an-almost Versailles right outside town that you can basically have the run of— unlike the real Versailles.

        1. LDN Layabout*

          The Venaria? It was SO beautiful. I was there at the ‘wrong’ time of year (we went to go watch Juventus lmao) but the palace was amazing. I imagine in spring/summer the gardens are superb.

          1. Kate*

            That’s the one! The Galleria Grande is the stuff dreams are made of, and we had the place entirely to ourselves.

      2. TechWorker*

        I went to Marseille a couple of summers ago – the National Park just to the south is beautiful (sea still cold though!) and easy to get to on buses. Also did a scuba dive taster which was awesome :)

        1. Equestrian Attorney*

          Parc des Calanques! It’s a gorgeous area with beautiful hikes, especially great in the off-season (gets crowded in the summer and frequently closes due to fire risks).

    4. Lilysparrow*

      We had our honeymoon in Charleston, SC and there is a plethora of haunted historical places and ghost walks there. I don’t know about specific Halloween stuff, but if they don’t, they are missing prime opportunities. So I’d bet they do.

    5. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      We love Santa Barbara, but on our trip down the coast we thought Cambria was a cute little town for a few days, although a bit tricky to get to. Some great food, off the beaten path, near the sea lion spots and the Hearst Castle (which we didn’t even see in the end!)

      We have also really enjoyed Vancouver (the Canadian one) and Seattle. I was in Seattle one year at Halloween with a friend and we stumbled on lots of goings on at the Museum so we joined in! they had the Thriller flash mob anyone could join in, different videos and music in different rooms, and some burlesque performances. It was a lot of fun.

      We re also big fans of planning little weekend trips around shows we want to see. We’ve had some whirlwind tours of quite a few cities that way an some good surprises – I thought Liverpool was a lot of fun but Berlin was just weird. San Sebastian, Spain up in the far NW coast is really quite cool, and you can combine that with a trip to Biarritz and Bordeaux in France.

      Dream vacation would probably be all the time and money to travel first class to some of the best beaches on the planet.

    6. Marion Ravenwood*

      OK… (warning, this might be long!)

      Favourites – Australia (particularly Tasmania, although Melbourne is my absolute favourite city in the world and I’d move there tomorrow if I could), New Zealand, New York. I like a big city with lots to do – particularly museums/history and good food – but I also really like being outdoors with beautiful scenery and good hiking.

      Lesser known (but also favourites) – Vietnam and Bolivia, because they’re both so different (particularly Vietnam – if you go from one end of the country to the other there are so many different types of scenery etc).

      Favourite cheaper spots – Budapest, Bolivia (although that might have been ‘cheaper’ in the context of having come from Brazil which is/was quite expensive), South East Asia. But I think as LDN Layabout says most places can be done on a budget if you plan for the things you want to do and split your spending accordingly.

      Bucket list – for years it’s been Nashville, but I’m finally going in November and am ridiculously excited! So now the only ones left on the list for me are Japan, Scandinavia and Canada. I’d love to do Antarctica as well to see the penguins, but realistically that won’t happen until you can teleport there.

    7. The Messy Headed Momma*

      New Orleans! I have been a few ties at Halloween &
      a.) the weather is perfect
      b.) tourists are at an all time low because it’s Halloween
      c.) the freak flags are still flying
      It is my favorite place to be in late October!!

      1. Bluebell*

        I went there last April and loved it! The weather was perfect, the people were really friendly, and the food was delicious!

    8. Apollo Warbucks*

      I love travelling and have quite a few ideas for trips I want to take, in no particular order:

      The trans Siberian train from Moscow to Beijing and to travel more of China from there.

      Two or theee weeks travelling in South Africa, including a Safari.

      A few months backpacking in South America with a trip to Easter island.

      Some of the old skill road through Tajikistan, Turkmenistan and on Azerbaijan.

      A week in Iceland.

      A month in India.

      A month in the USA.

      I’ve had some good long weekends in Europe from the UK, which is pretty cheap flying with easyjet or Ryan air. Edinburgh is one of my favourite places to visit and I miss living there.

      My favourite trips were to Fiji and Malta.

      I’ve never had a truly awful trip but I didn’t think much of Milan when I visited.

    9. Forking great username*

      My favorite place to vacation is Disney World – I realize it’s cliche, but I don’t care. Even before we had kids, my husband and I loved it. It’s not just another theme park – it had way more details, theming, and magic to it. They have some absolutely amazing restaurants, attractions that totally transport you to another world, etc. Disclaimer: Since it is our favorite place, we’ve pretty much perfected trip planning for it. Most people I know who hated it didn’t really plan/research (meaning long lines and the good restaurants are already booked solid) or they try to push through from park open to close (which is hot, tiring, and unnecessary.)

      My dream vacation destinations for when we’re more established and not doing kid-centric trips are Bora Bora and Paris.

      1. Anonyby*

        I love Disney! Disneyland edges out Disney World for me just because of preferred travel style, but I did a WDW trip last year and loved it! (It was my first time at EPCOT, and second time for the other three parks.)

        A dream thing for me would be to go to ALL of the Disney parks, and stay at high end hotels for each of them. Probably not going to happen without a major windfall (at least not on that scale), but fun to dream about!

        Another trip idea I’ve had that I want to do is a tour (in the old “grand tour” sense) of the Cedar Fair parks. Partly because I live near (and worked for one summer!) one of their parks. lol

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I’m with you. I’m an annual passholder and go several times a year. My husband and I went there for our -1st anniversary, our honeymoon and our first anniversary, and we decided that for our second anniversary this year we’re gonna change it up and go to DisneyLAND. :) (Probably planning three days at Disneyland and three days in San Francisco, actually.)

    10. Llellayena*

      Morocco. The dollar goes far there so overall it’s fairly cheap, if you work on saying no to the rug sellers. The atmosphere is amazing and there’s a lot to do and explore. I want to go back for the jazz festival in Tangiers!

    11. CAA*

      California’s seaside towns and cities are great for long weekends, or pick a few and tie them together into a road trip full of amazing scenery: Coronado, San Diego, Del Mar, San Clemente, San Juan Capistrano, Dana Point, Huntington Beach, Los Angeles, Santa Monica, Ventura, Santa Barbara, Morro Bay, Big Sur area, Monterey, Santa Cruz, San Francisco, Point Reyes, Mendocino, Ferndale.

      I also love our national parks. This summer I’m hoping to spend some time in the southern Colorado and Utah parks.

      If you’re willing to give cruising one more try, an Alaska Inside Passage cruise is just amazing. If you go between Vancouver and Anchorage/Whittier/Seward you’ll have land on both sides of the ship for most of the trip, so there’s very little motion. When money’s no object, tack on a land tour and get to Denali National Park or further north.

      1. M&Ms fix lots of Problems*

        As someone who lives in UT, let me recommend going in April and May to the parks in the southern part of the state. If you go later than that it is very hot and very crowded. Also, pack lots and lots of drinking water.

    12. PlatypusOo*

      I haven’t travelled a lot but I have travelled to Hawaii (Big Island) numerous times and I have done most of the things you are “supposed” to do there. Plus a ton of off the beaten path stuff as well.
      I’ve always wanted to go to New Orleans, the California coast and the Gulf area of Florida. Hopefully I can do those trips someday!

      1. That Girl From Quinn's House*

        Yes, I love Big Island too! Except unfortunately, a lot of the sights around the volcano were decimated during the latest eruption and I think Volcano National Park is still partially closed from seismic damage.

    13. KayEss*

      I don’t really like to travel much at all, but my one dream trip that I hope to take in my life is to go to Rome and see all the Bernini and Caravaggio I fell in love with in my art history classes. Second place would be either Istanbul or a return trip to Jerusalem (I went 10-15 years ago, I’d like to go back with new eyes). I like places that are really rich in art or western religious history from the Baroque/Renaissance era and earlier, because those are topics I have a lot of interest in and some knowledge of.

      There are places I’d go in a situation like “you don’t have to do any planning or logistics at all, just show up and have a great time”–Paris, Iceland, Australia, Egypt, Disney World–but unless someone’s like “yo I’ve got this trip all planned out down to the minute but I need a buddy to go with me for moral support,” that probably won’t happen.

      1. The New Wanderer*

        I went on a 12 day tour of Egypt with my mom, through a tour agency. We were the only two on the tour for more than half the days, so effectively ha d a private guide and driver. The other half was the cruise up the Nile, and the tour group became six people (plus maybe another twenty tourists on the cruise doing different tours).
        10/10 would go again, skip Cairo and spend more time in Luxor and south by cruising again.

        I want to do a safari one day. Next really big trip will be that or somewhere in Europe.

    14. HeatherB*

      Let me just say Africa was my dream trip and we were planning on only going once. Went for my 40th birthday to Tanzania. We’ve been back every year since :) South Africa (least favorite but still awesome), Zambia, Botswana and Uganda to see the chimpanzees and gorillas. Seeing a silver back male gorilla in the wild playing with the babies is life changing. My next trip is to Bhutan and Nepal in the fall and we also have Borneo to see orangutans either this year or next. For cheap vacations I love southern Utah national parks. Zion, Moab, Arches, Bryce – all of them are amazing and they have small, quaint towns, surprisingly good restaurants, and affordable lodging.

      1. Borneo is amazing!*

        I was lucky enough to be able to go to Borneo for work last year for a month and then have an extended vacation for two weeks. I heartily recommend the Kinabatangan Wildlife Resort. We saw an orangatun and it was amazing.

        one thing I wanted to do but was too scared to is go snorkelling on the islands off the east coast of Sabah. We were too worried about kidnapping, which has happened there sporadically over the last 10 years. I would really love to see the sea turtles.

        1. The New Wanderer*

          My favorite thing about Hawaii is snorkeling. On a bad trip you still see 20+ colorful fish species, and usually an eel or small shark. The turtles are around, best chance to see them are the boat tours but totally worth it.

          My other favorite thing about Hawaii is everything else. I love it there (mostly Maui but Kauai is growing on me).

    15. Everdene*

      For a dream holiday I’d love to explore South Africa, Tanzinia, Botswana and Zimbabwe – not something you can just do in a fortnight! We tend to enjoy more city/active breaks and in the last 12 months have been to several European cities (Edinburgh, Paris, London, Budapest, Vienna, Hamburg, Prague Dublin…) as there is always so much to see and do.

      At the moment we’re planning 2 longer trips, firstly a cruise with the parents and secondly Toronto and Niagra Falls with a lay over in New York. I can’t wait!

    16. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      A few years ago we bought Eurail (Eurorail?) passes and went all around Scandinavia, Germany, and Belgium where we left to come back to the UK. It was fun, especially since we took two overnight sleeper trains, stayed in a hotel that was a boat (still in the water!) and met with a couple of old friends.

    17. Ranon*

      Best road trip- Pacific Northwest through mountain west to Texas, if you’re not actually moving to Texas I’d probably suggest skipping the Texas part- but Bruneau Dunes/ Craters of the Moon/ Antelope State Park/ Arches/ Carlsbad Caverns/ Bottomless Lake State Park- all amazing. I’ve never been to a national park that wasn’t worth going to.

      Underappreciated- I feel like the locals appreciate it plenty, but Ouachita National Forest is beautiful and there are tons of lovely cabins and places to stay.

      Bucket list/ dream vacation- full tour of all the national parks in the Continental US, mix of train and driving, cabin lodgings every night, stops at some awesome restaurants on transit days.

    18. Sarah G*

      Just a little free association on favorite places:
      Others mentioned Bolivia, and I second that. I *loved* La Paz. It has an aerial subway (La Teleferico) that is really a wonder. I did pick up the first stomach bug of my life there , from eating something I knew I shouldn’t have (grapes from a street vendor) since I thought I had an invincible stomach, but apparently I don’t. Although I had a very mild reaction. I’d go back in a second and just avoid the street vendor produce.
      I’ve lived in Prague, and no city I’ve visited is more beautiful. Some are *as* beautiful, but not more. The Charles River/castle view at night, and Old Town Square at night are both places that remind me I am happy to be alive.
      The National Parks in southern Utah (especially Arches and Canyonlands) are true Wonders of the World. Arches has a ton you can see with hardly leaving your car, or just short, easy hikes that my (spry) 80-yr-old dad could do, but also has challenging, longer hikes that are well worth the effort.
      The North Bay Area near San Francisco (Marin and Sonoma Counties) are paradise, especially if you like to hike. Or if you like wine. The coastal areas are breathtaking.

    20. Seeking Second Childhood*

      If you’re a Halloween fan, look up Denmark’s Fastelavn. Cross Halloween with Carneval.

    21. Chi chan*

      Dude ranching is a thing. Living in cabins and going on trail rides or driving cattle would be an adventure. There are other activities often included like camping and rock climbing or watching wildlife.

    22. Elizabeth West*

      Favorite vacation spots
      So far, Wales and Scotland have been the most favorite I’ve visited. I can’t travel much because poor. I love London too.
      I also like going to the beach. Not picky about which beach. :)

      Lesser known vacation locations
      Jeez, I don’t know. Just random places in more well-known spots I’ve been to, I guess.

      Vacation choices for cheap
      Staying home, LOL. As far as details, I stayed in a B&B in Cardiff and loved it. I hadn’t done B&B before that. It’s not always cheaper, though; it depends on where you are. I’d like to try one of the hostels that has private rooms sometime. Some of those are really nice, if you can find one that doesn’t have an age restriction.

      You can eat very cheaply in expensive destinations if you do a little research beforehand. TripAdvisor has tons of threads on this. Thanks to them, I learned how to feed myself when out and about in London for practically nothing.

      Bucket list vacation of time and money weren’t an issue
      New Zealand! All over the country, but especially the nerdiest and most comprehensive Lord of the Rings tour I can find. :)

    23. CoffeeOnMyMind*

      I like to do day-cations, where I visit a new place for one day. I’ve been to: Victoria, BC; Juneau, Alaska; Toronto, Canada; and Crater Lake National Park to name a few.

      Pluses: it’s cheap, you don’t have to worry about luggage, and you get to visit some really fun places.

      Minuses: not really a true vacation.

      But I highly recommend taking a day-cation if you’re short on time and just need to get away for a day. It’s kept my sanity in tact every time. Plus it’s lots of fun!

    24. M&Ms fix lots of Problems*

      If you like Rennaissance Faires, can I recommend the Colorado Renaissance Festival? It runs for eight weekends in June and July and is a total favorite for our family. We have a tradition of going every other year and all dress up (my hubby is Squire Pleanty Pockets, as a total gag; but the girls and I are full on Middle Ages).
      We also love going on driving trips through the Rocky Mountains and touring all the old mining towns out here.

  9. Foreign Octopus*

    GREY’S ANATOMY SPOILERS

    I’ll keep this vague so anyone can collapse the replies if they don’t want any spoilers for Grey’s Anatomy.

    I missed the series when it came out the first time as I was a teenager living in the UK and I don’t think it aired on terrestrial channels there but I’ve heard about it from friends who loved it, and clips occasionally pop up on YouTube. I decided to buy the first season (why, oh, why is it not on Netflix Spain?) and the early episodes have not aged well at all.

    The whole Meredith/Derek and Cristina/Burke relationships would never happen these days because of the imbalance of power. Derek very aggressively pursued Meredith even after she said no a number of times (and don’t get me wrong, I love Derek but if he were doing that to me in real life, I’d nope out of there so quickly).

    I know it was only fourteen years ago that the series started but watching it has highlighted how much we’ve changed.

    I’m going to finish season one because I’ve bought it but is it worth continuing all the way through?

    1. CoffeeforLife*

      My 20 year old sister has watch it *in it’s entirety* no fewer than 4 times. I don’t understand it. But, she says it’s the best show ever…so there’s that endorsement.

    3. WellRed*

      Yes. It’s worth watching. Just watched last night at a friend’s. I do agree the early seasons haven’t aged well.

    4. Anon4This*

      I disagree those relationships would never happen today. I work in healthcare, specifically graduate medical education (training residents) and there is still a lot of harassment, sexual or otherwise. And a lot of inappropriate relationships.

      As for the watchability of the show, live liked it up to the last couple of seasons. I’m barely hanging in anymore, it’s gotten pretty boring.but the first 10-12 seasons were good.

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        I’ve heard the same about the last few seasons. A lot of my friends turned off after Derek died and haven’t gone back.

        And when I said those relationships wouldn’t happen, I meant they wouldn’t be portrayed the same way on TV any more. Sorry I wasn’t clear.

        (Super disturbing that it’s still happening in real life though).

    5. Tmarie*

      I started watching Grey’s Anatomy a couple of years ago, during season 12 or 13. This last Christmas, I had almost two weeks off work and started binge watching. I’ve now watched watched 11 or 12 seasons on Netflix. And enjoyed them all, the good, the bad, the horribly unlikely ones.

      About whether or not you should continue, I can just tell you that people come and go throughout the series, and lots of stuff happens. I still watch because I like Meredith and Richard and Bailey.

    6. Agent J*

      I still watch Grey’s and love it. There are high and low seasons but some of the patient and main character storylines are what you want in a good TV drama: heartbreaking, victorious, realistic enough but sometimes I-can’t-believe-they-did-that, entertainment.

      If you can make it to the season after Derek dies, I think you’ll watch it up to the current season.

    7. Everdene*

      In the last 18 months I have watched the entire thing for the first time and got hooked. It’s not perfect but good tv to relax with and now I’m up to date I’m still keen to watch the next episode when it comes out.

    8. Nervous Accountant*

      I know you said no spoilers, but I want to make sure are you aware that a lot of the original cast is gone now?

      I’ve been watching GA fairly regularly since the beginning, but I don’t think I could watch it starting now. I esp can’t watch anything prior to season 8 or 12.

  10. Lilysparrow*

    I discovered some interesting facts in the garden this week!

    1) Apparently the best way in my climate to grow a bumper crop of hearty carrots, is to plant them in March and forget them until the next February.

    2) Not so with black-eyed peas. They weren’t rotted on the vine as I expected. They were just *gone*. Ghostly branches without a pic in sight, nor any dry peas on the ground beneath. This may be connected to the very fat chipmunks living under the shed.

    3) Interplanting with green onions to repel insect pests seems to also discourage moles and voles.

    4) If you have four beds weeded and turned, a neighborhood cat will choose the only one with tiny lettuce seedlings to dig a hole and poop in. Said cat has made no discernable impact on the chipmunk population, so there’s not even a trade-off.

    5) Collecting dry seed heads of purple opal basil is aromatherapy.

    Anybody else doing garden prep – or planning? What are you planting this year?

    1. CoffeeforLife*

      We just bought a house with a gently sloping backyard. I want to plant something but I’m not sure the best way to do it. The lower end flattens out along a fence with a green belt beyond. I’m thinking berries along the fence (and hope there aren’t deer). Should I just contact a landscaper? Maybe terrace it?

      1. Blue Eagle*

        Raspberries are understory plants, so if you are planting raspberries, they will do best with more shade than sun. Blueberries, on the other hand, like full sun.

      2. Lilysparrow*

        We built a small terraced area for a couple of raised beds. Our slope is gentle enough that the bottom retaining wall is less than knee-high. We built and filled it with rubble we found on Craigslist, with a layer of fill dirt and mulch on top. Then built the beds. The drainage is great!

        You could always do something in the flatter area. Or if your slope is gentle enough, you could make a raised bed itself with the bottom deeper than the top.

        Berries on the fence are always great!

      3. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

        My hubby & I recently got a plot at the local community garden. The plot that we got has raised beds with screens under the soil, and said soil is very good! We’ve been digging out the weeds and grasses and found a whole lot of onions, which I replanted. Have no idea if they took – with the rain I haven’t been in days and hubby has been out of town.
        We plan to do a lot of earthbox type buckets, and scored on a bunch of free pallets to raise them up. Pretty excited!
        So far today is gorgeous,so we will probably go today. Yay!

    2. That Girl From Quinn's House*

      This winter, I discovered that Italian parsley in a 4″ pot can continue growing despite a few weeks of below-freezing weather. The basil and mint are long deceased.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        My indoors mint didn’t make it. I’m still watering it lightly in case it’s just dormant. The oregano & chives are straggling along, but no parsley here.

    3. Pieismyreligion*

      I kind of lost my mind during our snowmaggedon last week and ordered a whole lot of vegetable seeds, including 7 types of tomatoes. So I guess this year is the year I get better at starting seeds indoors. I also got 3 types of radishes and multiple greens, a couple new beans. My garden isn’t that big so I’ll have to be better at layout.

    4. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      I’ve really got to do some work on mine this year. The nettles have moved in in earnest. Most of what I grew last year was in pots, which worked OK but I’d get more stuff if I planted things in the ground.

      The front yard is a perennial disaster and really needs an overhaul but I’m lazy and it overwhelms me to look at it. I’d like to have a deliberately ramshackle cottage garden effect but it is mostly in shade so it’s been tough to get things growing besides weeds.

    5. lapgiraffe*

      My Johnny’s Seeds catalogue arrived today, yay!! It’s still far too cold and frozen to actually get into the garden, but I really really dread the day I do because I let it go wild at the end of last year. Between moving during my usual seed starting season, scorching hot/otherwise monsoon summer, and am overabundance of abnormal life stuff that needing tending to, it was a bad year for me and my community garden plot. But I did get one pumpkin plant that produced, and I’m not so secretly hoping that it will pop up on it’s own again somehow. (Kakai pumpkins, so-so flesh but AMAZING seeds and just pretty in general.)

      I really enjoy growing fairytale eggplant. Since I’m usually cooking for one, sometimes two, it’s nice to be able to cook only as much as I need at a time. I usually really love garlic but I missed that window this fall. I did manage to plant a few perennial native plants and will be curious to see how they fair this year, but I’ll also put in some cut flower varieties, the gift that keeps on giving.

    6. The Doctor is In*

      Bought seeds for kale, spinach, and 4 kinds of lettuce. Hope to plant my 4 garden boxes soon. Tomato plants but not till May.

    7. Elizabeth West*

      I don’t know if I’ll have a yard by then, but even if I move to an apartment, I WILL be growing heirloom tomatoes in pots again. I’ll try to get a balcony, patio, or at least a very sunny window spot.

    8. Tiny Soprano*

      I have such ridiculous amounts of rosemary at the moment that the restaurant over the back fence has an open invitation to just climb over and take some whenever they need it. Tomato season is also progressing so excellently that I’m thinking of extending the invitation to the roma tomatoes too…

    9. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Last winter I brought two large planters of geraniums in for winter as an experiment. One made it through so healthily that this winter I decided to try with all of mine. So far I think I’ll have a better % survival…but I just spotted white fly so I’m reading up on using soap against insects. These are in my living room so nothing toxic.

    10. Natalie*

      Just being terribly jealous over here. We have 2 feet of snow on the ground and I expect we’ll have snow on the ground for the next two-three months. :(

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        It’s all pipe dreaming for me and keeping indoor plants well lit with grow lights… 2-6 inches of snow coming in the next 24 hours, with freezing rain as the icing on the cake. :(

    11. Environmental Compliance*

      We have several pots of lupine, lavender, dill, parsley, fennel, and butterfly weed starting – so far, the lupine’s sprouted. Several grapefruit seedlings started too. Next weekend is starting the sensitive veggies. Too cold out to outdoors plant, but once it unfreezes we’ll do some digging & compost-applying.

      Veggies to plant include a variety of tomatoes, peppers, potatoes, kale, broccoli, cucumber, zucchini, and radishes. I think that’s it. But we’re also redoing all of the landscaping this spring – a pollinator garden, rose garden, planting some shady areas, putting in dogwoods, redbuds, and lilacs, and redoing the pathways and the pond. We’re going to have a busy spring!

  11. Lena Clare*

    Hey How is everyone doing this wkend and what have you got planned?
    I’m feeling well, I’ve just been swimming, I’m now watching comedy shows online and trying to keep my feet warm! I may have to venture back downstairs to get a hot water bottle.
    Also doing some online dating and trying to keep my spirits up!

    1. Rebecca*

      I’m going to a picture painting fundraiser of some sort for our local high school band. I have no idea what I’m doing but I’m going anyway. Hope to get in a walk, did laundry already, and need to vacuum and unfark my habitat a bit. And weekend, Yay!!

    3. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      I got a really good swim in, and just got home with pizzas from our favorite place. I’m planning on taking a few hours to doze/read a book (whoever noted that Deadly Mountain book last week – nice call! Enjoying it a lot) and at 7 pm reconvening with Mr. Sprechen to fix his resume so he can start applying to new jobs from tomorrow.

      Sunday, not sure yet, I wanted to go to the ethnic food shop, but i may go swimming again too.

      1. Lena Clare*

        Oh I got a vegan pizza from ASDA after my swim. Kudos to ASDA stocking vegan produce but it really wasn’t very nice at all so I ended up throwing out away >.<

        Your weekend sounds lovely.

    4. Need a Beach*

      I am inspired by the unseasonably warm weather to get sh!t done…but I injured my back earlier this week. My motivation is boxing outside its weight class, so I have to watch myself.

    5. Little Bean*

      A long list of home improvement projects. This is what my life is now – I realized it was a 3-day weekend and my first thought was, yay, I can paint the living room! Also, I will be doing these projects with my fiance, who I met through online dating 3 years ago so it does work!

    6. Have dragon, will quest in exchange for hummus*

      Currently procrastinating on practicing a presentation for an adult-ed painting class. Second of four weeklong intensives throughout the year.

    7. NeverNicky*

      I had to work in the morning (presenting on research in my field) in nearest University city. Mr Never then took me into the city where we had a splurge at our favourite sushi place to celebrate my 50th birthday, as I will be working away on the day.
      Tomorrow we need to tidy the garden, and we’re going to set a fire in our fire pit for the first time.

    8. Loopy*

      I have no plans these weekend but enjoying a long awaited book (liesurely!), and playing online guilt-free (meaning browsing forums, “wasting” time, etc.).

      I am pleased as punch with this.

    9. Ginger ale for all*

      My sweetheart and I are going to a burlesque show. We had fun at one before and I am excited about seeing any possible acrobatic acts. He just loved seeing the almost bare naked women.

    10. Jaid*

      I left work early yesterday and went to Reading Terminal, then the Amish Market. Today, I drove around, to the Asian market and then Quakerstown Farmer’s market.

      Tomorrow, I’ll be organizing my refrigerator and food prepping for the next week. I’ve got Monday off, yay!

    11. Anonyby*

      I took Thurs & Fri off to make a 5-day weekend and the relaxation has been glorious! I’m planning on doing some batch cooking today and tomorrow… I need to wash out my brand new blender so I can start making smoothies again too. And then tomorrow night I have my weekly game night with friends. Monday I’m thinking I’ll head out to the boardwalk to get in some fun before I have to get back to the grindstone. :D

    12. Marion Ravenwood*

      Yesterday was parkrun, side hustle work, tidying up at home and then a friend’s housewarming party. Today I’m taking myself to a museum this morning, then need to do a bit of shopping for replacement bits and pieces, and then get ready for work again tomorrow.

  12. Half a Bookworm*

    I am in the terrible habit of starting a book, reading about half, putting it down “for a while” and never picking it up again. I have many, many half-read books, fiction and non-fiction, most of which haven’t been picked up for so long that I’ve forgotten the first half, which makes picking up where I left off extra difficult. It’s frustrating because I love reading, but I struggle to finish a single book, even if I’m really enjoying it. There isn’t really any reason for doing it, either. I just start a book, put it down, start another one, repeat.
    Does anyone else do this? Have any ideas on how to make myself focus and finish a book?

    1. misspiggy*

      On what basis do you choose books? Ideally you’d want to read books you can’t wait to finish because they’re that gripping/interesting.

      I find I only experience that with quite a limited spectrum of books these days, and I’m fine with that.

    2. CatCat*

      I do this! I switched to primarily audio books from the library (I download them using the Overdrive app). I find myself more engaged with the story with audio books and since they’re from the library, I’ve got some time pressure to finish them.

      I still occasionally read books, but mostly when I’m on vacation.

      1. The Doctor is In*

        Try the Libby app- if you don’t already have it. Basically like Overdrive but easier to use.

    4. Marion Ravenwood*

      If I have a book I’m struggling with, assuming I like it in the first place (it took me YEARS to work out that I didn’t have to finish books I didn’t like any more!), then I often find some focused reading can be really useful. I really like Silent Book Club for this – essentially it’s a group of people who meet at a cafe, talk about what they’re reading, then read in silence together for an hour. It sounds odd but is actually really companionable, and I find that not having anything else to distract me can be a massive help to make a dent in a book. But if there isn’t one near you, is it possible to maybe shut yourself off for half an hour or an hour – no phone, no internet – and just read without anything else going on? If so you might find that helpful for focus and making a bit more of a way through the book, and sometimes feeling like you’ve ‘broken the back’ of it can help you to get to the end.

    5. Sara Sunshine*

      What’s the reason that you’re putting down the books halfway through them? Is there something else you’d rather read or are they just not holding your attention?

    6. Little Bean*

      I only do this with books that don’t grab me. When I’m really into a book, then nothing can make me put it down. I’ll be staying up hours past my bedtime, reading during my lunch break at work, walking around reading on my phone… Do you finish some books and not others? If so, I say don’t blame yourself. I’ve lost count of the books I started and didn’t finish – I just assume that book wasn’t for me, and keep searching for something I’ll like better.

    7. Half a Bookworm*

      Thanks for all the replies! I generally do like the books I’m reading. I just seem to lose focus halfway through, somehow. I really can’t think of a tangible reason.

        1. Half a Bookworm*

          I tend to pick through them and just read the stories I like. Somehow I don’t feel guilty about that – just due to the sense of having “finished” one!

    8. Mimmy*

      I do this too, although my preferred genre is nonfiction. Like you, I can’t think of a tangible reason I do this…sometimes maybe if a book is repetitive I’ll lose interest. Or perhaps I come across a book that grabs my interest, thus making me lose interest in previous books.

    9. Undine*

      Maybe that’s just the way you like to read. You don’t have to finish them. I’d say I only finish about ten percent of the books I start. Those are the standout ones. I don’t see anything wrong with that.

      1. Dr. Anonymous*

        I agree with this. It’s a book. You won’t hurt its feelings. Maybe you just like the exciting feeling of starting a new one.

    10. Koala dreams*

      Nothing wrong with reading half the books. Lifes too short to spend on books you don’t want to finish. If you want to know how they end, maybe skip to reading the end before you start another book?

      Since you asked about how to change though, my suggestion is borrowing books from the library one at a time and make a goal of reading at least 15 minutes a day. Since you have pressure to return the book, you need to keep reading it, and 15 minutes is short enough to keep on reading even though you are not super entusiastic for the book.

        1. Khlovia*

          Get your eyes checked. I’m serious. Half the fun of reading vanished for me when I started getting floaters. If you have a vision problem you’re not conscious of, reading can become work.

    11. LaurenB*

      I give myself permission to rarely finish non-fiction books. Unless it’s a narrative, I figure that when I get bored, I’ve probably gotten everything out of the book that I wanted, and I’m definitely better informed than when I started. In fact, my time might well be better spent reading bits of lots of books.

    12. DataGirl*

      I am the same way, in fact I’ve given up on ‘reading’ and just do audio books now. I just can’t sit there doing one thing. With audio books I can knit, cook, or drive while I listen.

    13. Floating Shift*

      Weighing in as a friendly librarian, I agree that perhaps an audiobook might be more enjoyable? I also agree with the 15-minutes (or more) of dedicated reading time. I sometimes find I can get distracted by outside noises, the urge to check Twitter, the fact that my husband is playing a game on his phone . . . but if I find a quiet place to read and either listen to a little music or just get comfy (which yes, can involve a beverage and maybe a soft throw), then 15 minutes or more of time to myself to read feels absolutely luxurious.

      Also — have you tried short stories? Maybe a collection by one author, or a collection by different authors in one volume would keep your interest. I find short stories in a collection by different authors can make for some interesting reads (and if I don’t like one story, I just skip to another).

      Definitely take advantage of your local library — it’s way cheaper than buying books you don’t enjoy, and you can also get suggestions from them on things you might enjoy. And if you don’t enjoy something they suggest, let them know!! We won’t get offended — it’s our job to help find you something you enjoy, so feedback is a part of that. Also, we don’t write the books, so we won’t take it personally if you don’t like something that’s suggested. :)

    14. Coder von Frankenstein*

      I have the same thing going on. What I suggest is to make a note of which books you enjoy, and go ahead and put them down. Then, when you feel like starting another book, see if one of those set-aside books appeals to you. I often do 1-2 false starts before I finish something.

    15. Loopy*

      I use the Goodreads reading challenge. I can update my progress on all my books as I read and it turns page count into a percentage, which I find fun for some odd reason. This was done generally to have a place where all my read books were stored because I was forgetting authors and titles and wanted to easily recommend them. I ended up motivated to finish because I wanted to move them from to “t-read” list to my “read” list so I’d have a list of all the books I’ve been reading.

      It’s super handy a few years down the road especially!

    16. Ranon*

      I just skip to the end- I figure if it was really work slogging through I wouldn’t have put it down, so I skim to see if there’s anything else good and then move on. There’s so much to read out there, no need to slog through stuff you’re clearly not interested in.

    17. Book Lover*

      I can’t imagine doing this with a book that I am enjoying, because I just keep reading until I am finished or wait desperately to get back to it if I absolutely have to pause. But if there is a book I don’t like, I won’t finish it. So maybe you need to choose different books?

  13. ENFP*

    Does anyone have a recommendation for a self-cleaning litter box? We recently rescued a very old cat and already have two of our own, so our cup runneth over – literally. We have two standard ones now but it’s messy.

    I know some of them are expensive but we are ready to shell out! The main thing I want to avoid is the smell. I take medication that causes nausea, so the smell and the cleaning are too much for this dog and cat lover!

    1. CoffeeforLife*

      I tried the kind that scrapes it into a bin and it was just a total nightmare. The take constantly needed cleaning, or would get stuck because she peed, A LOT and the clump would be too heavy to move. I always wanted the one you hooked up to a waterline and it “flushed” the special litter pellets clean.

      I recently saw a cat door that connected to the garage and on the other side was an enclosed litter box pen. Kept the smell from being inside, and the cats had a much larger litter area in the garage (fully enclosed so they couldn’t run off)

    2. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      I have a good friend with three cats who swears by the robot litter box. Spendy, but for her …it works. She’s bought a second one for an elderly family member who also is enjoying the change.

      1. Ring ring*

        I have owned the litter robot since 2016 and love it! The cats use the litter box, it senses activity, and spins to dispose of the waste in a drawer. When we had 2 cats, we would empty the drawer twice a week on trash day and didn’t need to think about it other than that. Now with 3 cats, it’s getting full more often but I think the newer models have a feature that alerts you when it is full if you don’t want to have to physically check.

      2. Cedrus Libani*

        I also have a Litter Robot. Yeah, not cheap. But also possibly the best $450 I’ve ever spent. The capacity is roughly 1 cat-week…I have two cats, so I empty the collection bin twice a week. But that’s all the maintenance I have to do, besides dumping more litter in periodically. And my apartment doesn’t smell like used cat food.

    3. Marzipan*

      My friend has one of those ones that you roll upside-down and then back the right way up, and then you just have to pull out a little drawer and dispose of the contents. You do still have to have that level of engagement with the contents, though! And you also have to use clumping cat litter.

      I did find it quite entertaining to use when I was cat-sitting for them. Mainly it seemed like something you wouldn’t have to completely empty and clean as much as with a regular one, and thus a bit more restrained in terms of how much cat litter you’d go through. (My cat users the woodchip stuff, though, so it wouldn’t be any use for me.) You do also need enough space to be able to roll it over. And I’m not sure how well it would handle, erm, digestive issues, if that’s ever a problem for your cats.

    4. Mimmy*

      When we had cats, we tried self-cleaning ones similar to what CoffeeForLife describes but had similar issues. What we ended up sticking with was the Cat Genie (I think that was the name?). It is essentially a toilet for cats. It uses a special type of litter that you didn’t have to replenish too often. Then it would flush the….ick, then wash and dry the litter. The drawbacks were the maintenance and whenever it got clogged (which would cause it to stiiiiiiink). In both instances, you have to take the thing apart. It was a big project each time.

    5. Penguin*

      There is one (blanking on the name, sorry) that hooks into the outflow of a washing machine and uses the already-dirty water to flush the waste into one’s sewage/septic pipe. (Presumably this is not for use if one’s washing machine empties into a laundry sink!) If I recall right, it’s both $$$ and very enthusiastically touted by users.

    6. SAHM*

      We have the PetSafe brand and we get the litter boxes every month from Amazon. I change mine weekly, every Sunday so that’s what I’m going to do later today. It’s super easy, just lift up the whole thing, pull out the litter tray, pop a new litter tray in its place and drop the whole thing back down. We have two kittens who use it, our adult cats are outdoorsy so they just meow to be let out . The one irritant for me is that the boxes come in a 3 pack monthly and really you go through 4 in a month so every so often I have to order an extra 3 pack. Otherwise I love it, it really makes having indoor cats sustainable since hubs would never clean the litter box with any regularity and when I would do it the smell of cat litter makes me dry heave. I just can’t handle it, it’s worse than stinky diapers or dog poop. So this thing took care of that aspect. I still wrap the old tray in a garbage bag the minute I pop it out of the machine bc carrying it out to the bin makes me dry heave otherwise. Also, if some of the pieces fall out I don’t want to be dripping crap everywhere. But, yea, I love it.

  14. Emily*

    Hi everyone,

    I’ve been reading AAM for awhile but haven’t commented before. I was hoping for some encouragement that everything will be ok.

    I’m 25 and have been with my boyfriend about 2 years. We moved in together about 6 months ago. There’s so much about him that is great! And then, there are the horrible feelings I get when I think about marrying him. I’m not afraid of commitment; marriage and kids are very important to me. There was a time I could imagine marrying my college boyfriend. But current boyfriend – it’s like I can’t even picture it.

    Objectively, he’s great. Close with his family and friends, likes to volunteer, funny and charming, professionally successful, financially well-off… but he’s so emotionally restrained, I honestly don’t feel an emotional connection with him. He doesn’t share feelings or vulnerabilities. I know he is well-off, but he won’t tell me how much he makes (2 years into the relationship). He doesn’t really have further ambitions; all he wants at this point is to have kids and lead a peaceful life. It feels like he always has to be right in disagreements.

    These are things that I can’t see myself living with for the next 40-60 years. Let alone the next 1-2 years. I think breaking up (or at least moving out and giving each other some space) is the right move, but of course, that always come with its own challenges. I would really appreciate any encouragement or advice. Thanks <3

    1. CatCat*

      I would find it difficult to be in a long-term relationship with someone who didn’t share feelings, was secretive about money, and always had to be right.

      Also, even if he were The Greatest, if it doesn’t work for you then it doesn’t work for you. That’s okay.

      1. StellaBella*

        +1 to this. I would also find it difficult, because I have been there, and I did.

        I was in a relationship with a man for 3.5 years and we never talked money. I vaguely knew his salary as he worked for the local University observatory in the Physics department and salaries are public, but he was never open about anything money related. You cannot marry a man who will not be open about money. You assume he’s well off but maybe he also has tens of thousands in credit card debt – you don’t know. And you don’t want to take on that burden if it is the case.

        This man also was unable to share or express feelings. He could not being himself to hold my hand in public, much less think about a cheek kiss. I don’t do tonsil hockey in public, but I would have liked to hold his hand more often. I am an affectionate person by nature and I struggled with this for the whole time we dated. In private he was a lot more touchy feely and kept saying how important it felt to have touch – but just never in public. We also could not communicate well with each other – he lacked empathy, I am very empathic. He had other issues too, but the gist of it is that he was not a very nice person and while I tired to make it work in the end we had to split up because we were just not well matched or compatible.

        Agree that if it is not working for you, that is fine. You want kids, so does he – but how do you communicate around the boundaries of having and raising a family? I’d honestly move out, and take some notes from this thread to share with him and see what happens. You deserve to be happy, with a partner who can communicate feelings and frustrations and joys, and tell you he makes X $ per year, etc. Also, men who always have to be right are not nice men.

    2. Nita*

      I hate to say it, but you’re right, this relationship seems doomed… If you get horrible feelings at the thought of marrying him, there’s no long-term potential here. I was in a (much shorter) relationship like that just before I met my husband, and nearly wrecked my health trying to convince myself to ignore the inner voice that was telling me to walk away. In hindsight, glad I couldn’t ignore it.
      I think with someone like your boyfriend, deep inside you may not feel 100% safe because he’s not sharing important information with you and you don’t know how he feels about things, and that means you can’t quite trust him. It’s an understandable fear, because when you marry someone, and especially if you have kids with them, you become very vulnerable to them and if you don’t know what they’re thinking, that’s not good… And of course, you want to feel loved too. If you don’t, that’s not a good way to spend the rest of your life.
      I hope everything works out for you.

    3. WellRed*

      Move out and move on. Even if it was all hearts and flowers in other aspects, NEVER marry someone you can’t have even a basic money convo. Oh, and thrn there’s that pesky lack of emotional connection. You deserve better.

    4. Not A Manager*

      I’m over twice your age, and I encourage you to break up. An ended relationship isn’t a failed relationship. It succeeded for the time you were together – you enjoyed being together, you grew together and separately, you learned important things about yourself and the other person. End it now before the incompatibilities grow to overshadow the good things.

      This is what you need, because you (correctly) can’t be with someone whose instincts for emotional intimacy are so different from your own, but it’s what he needs too. He deserves time and space to find the future parent of his children, who wants nothing different than to create a nest with him.

    5. Ellie*

      Pick up your purse and go. If the person you’re partnered with doesn’t meet the needs you have/deem important, then you will be better off moving along. Never settle for ‘good enough’ – pursue happiness in all its forms.

    6. Traffic_Spiral*

      Listen to your gut. I mean, if you haven’t already, you could try one Come-To-Jesus talk where you say that you need more communication and stuff from him, but generally if your gut says “nope,” then it’s a nope.

    7. SciDiver*

      My advice is start putting together funds to move out. At a minimum, this is someone you said you can’t live with for the next year or two, so you need to start planning for that now. Start browsing apartment listings, find other housing options, and get a place of your own. The sooner you can be out, the better it will be for both of you to move on with your lives. It will be so much easier to make it a clean break if you aren’t living together.

      If you two had talked about commitment to each other and had seriously discussed getting married/starting a family, I’d suggest going to counseling together to hash out the issues. But the sense I’m getting is that you’re both aware of these goals but there’s been no talk of marrying each other, plus the “horrible feeling” you get when you think about spending your life together. That’s not a good sign! If your goal with dating and relationships is to find a life partner and co-parent, this is not a relationship that brings you closer to those goals, and you shouldn’t continue to stay in it.

    8. Bobbi*

      Break up with him. If you cant see yourself living with him for the next 1-2 years its definitely time for it to end. As others have said, if it doesnt work for you – it doesnt work for you, it doesnt matter how objectively great he is.

      And being with someone who doesnt share feelings/vulnerabilities is very hard – even as someone who is pretty closed off myself! For me – if I’m not thinking about/starting to open up after ~3-6 months, then this clearly isnt going to work long term.

    9. Lilysparrow*

      If you or he want to get married and have kids, and you realize you don’t want to marry this person, then the kind thing to do is break up so you can both find a better match.

      Two years (six months of which you were living together) is more than enough time to know your own mind.

      Being single is much, much better than to be in a relationship that isn’t going where you want to go, and where you don’t feel emotional intimacy and mutual trust.

      There’s going to be disappointment and hurt feelings and hassle, but that is inevitable whenever something – not just relationships, anything – doesn’t work out. But it’s a lot less hurt and hassle than if you prolong it. Or got married or had kids.

    10. Annie*

      Living together and not even sharing how much he makes is odd at the very least. How are you supposed to have children and family together and not share what the situation of your finances are? Is he hiding how much he is making because he doesn’t want to share it? Is he hiding it because he secretly has tons of debt? It’s a pretty big thing to keep as a secret, especially after 2 years. At this point, I wouldn’t even trust him that he would be honest about finances in the future ( like keeping another private account secret).

      1. Wishing You Well*

        Yes to this. A bad habit (or relationship) is harder to break the longer you keep it up. Life is very short. I hope you get moving.

    12. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      You are surrounded by red flag waving bees and you should be running like your heels are on fire and your butt is catching.

      But I will reassure you – everything can turn out okay for you. Partnered-and-unhappy is not a good way to spend your time, and the more time you spend that way, the longer you delay your ability to actually find a good partner who makes you happy and wants to actually partner with you. This guy isn’t a partner, he’s a roommate. (And it sounds like I have more of an emotional connection with my roommate, to be honest.)

    13. Marzipan*

      You know, though, relationships aren’t objective. They’re about the most subjective things imaginable. And what you’re describing didn’t sound like a relationship you want to be in. If that’s the case, you don’t have to justify that to anyone – not even to your boyfriend. You just get to decide that it’s over, if that’s what’s right for you.

      And yes, it will be OK. Maybe not immediately, maybe not every minute of every day. But you’ll get there. When I was about your age, I fell into a relationship that got to the engagement-and-home-purchase stage – largely, I think, because it seemed like the sort of thing I was supposed to be doing. In hindsight, the thing I regret is that I was in that relationship in the first place, not that it ended!

    14. Anastasia Beaverhousen*

      Listen to your own words:
      “the horrible feelings I get when I think about marrying him…” ” I honestly don’t feel an emotional connection with him…” “It feels like he always has to be right in disagreements…”

      Sounds like the “Objectively, he’s great” part is less true – or at least, he’s not “great” for YOU. You can’t reason your way into loving someone, and you shouldn’t try. Someone could be a fantastic human being, with no flaws or faults, and still not be the right person FOR YOU. The secretiveness is a red flag, as is the lack of emotional connection. But honestly, the deeper issue is that you are not happy. You are not happy in your relationship, and it doesn’t seem likely to change.

      Assuming it did not change – assuming he remained secretive (which, being secretive about money is a problem – is he in massive debt? Does he have a gambling problem? Does he just not trust you? You can’t build a life with someone without having an honest conversation about finances, for a myriad of practical realities.), and assuming you continued feeling the way you do – how long could you go on like that? 6 months? A year? 10 years? If you can’t see yourself continuing for 10 years like this, and it seems unlikely to change… well, the kindest thing for both of you might be to end it sooner rather than later. You’re the only person who can decide that, though.

      Personal story time: I was once engaged to an “objectively great” guy. (Well, at the time that was how I thought of it – he was romantic, funny, had a lot of close friends, a decent career plan… later I realized his career plan was horribly unrealistic, he was more controlling than romantic and his friends were all @ssholes. But that’s not the point right now…) But, it just didn’t feel right – I dreaded the thought of marrying him. He had proposed to me in public, and I’d felt pressured to agree, but as soon as I did it just felt.. wrong. I couldn’t put my finger on why, but never made any actual wedding plans because I felt sick every time I tried. Eventually, I left him. It was hard. We had lived together, so I had to move. We had friends in common, so I was cut off from many of them, and isolated. But it was also oddly freeing – as soon as the initial, horrible, telling-everyone-you-called-off-the-engagement part was over, it felt like a weight had been lifted. Being single made me far, FAR happier than I had been with him. (Years later, I met someone else; he was perhaps less stereotypically romantic, but more genuinely kind. Less funny to other people, but his sense of humor meshed better with mine. Fewer friends, but his friends were better people. I am SO much happier being married to this man.) I have never once regretted my decision to leave an “objectively, just fine” relationship.

    15. Koala dreams*

      I’m not sure where you get the idea that don’t talking about a money is a great quality in a prospective marriage partner. Usually marriage and having children is quite a big financial undertaking, and not talking about money is objectively a bad quality in that respect. It seems like he has a lof of subjectively nice qualities, but not so much if you look at it from a factual stand-point. It’s okay to let feelings AND fact influence the big decisions. Listen to your gut and you reason!

    16. Not So NewReader*

      Oh boy.
      My friend was married for around 50 years. Her husband never showed much emotion, he missed opportunities to emotionally connect with her repeatedly over the decades. Annnnnd he did not discuss budgeting and money with her. Their kids never connected with the dad.

      He died suddenly.
      She found:
      Over a dozen credit cards with at least a thousand dollars or more on each.
      After 30 years the mortgage is still not paid off.
      There was a loan with her signature on it. (It had been forged.)
      No savings. Very little insurance.

      Please think this through very carefully. I have heard it said and I subscribe to this thought: If couples cannot talk with each other then they have nothing. Life is loaded with surprises, usually not good surprises, couples have to be able to talk it through and connect emotionally.

      Twenty years from now you could get up one morning and realize you are married to a stranger. Your gut is on track here.

    17. Autumnheart*

      I think that if you know that a relationship isn’t meeting your needs, it’s time to break up. After being with someone for 2 years, living with him, and you still don’t have vital information about him like his income or his own feelings, then that’s solid evidence that he’s not interested in seeing the two of you as a team, but himself as an individual and you as supporting cast. I wouldn’t stick around for that either.

      It doesn’t mean he’s a bad guy, but if this situation isn’t happy now, there’s no reason to subject yourself to further unhappiness. I know it’s hard to make a decision that seems like “I’m going to hurt you so I can be happy” but that isn’t what you’re doing. (I’m sure you know that, but just in case you need to hear it from an objective source.)

    18. dawbs*

      SOmebody being good on paper is not the same as somebody being good WITH you.
      I was with an ex-bf who was good on-paper. ANd…I did NOT like who I was with him. Or who he was with me. Neither of us are bad people, ti’s just, together we brought out the worst in e/o. Other people didn’t think so, but, I sure did.
      And then I met my now husband, who, on paper is no ‘better’ than the ex. In some ways, on paper, he’s objectively worse. And 15 years later, I can safely say that marrying the ex would have been disastrous, and I am pretty damn happy in that decision.
      And always having to be right is not a small thing. Can I ask how he is at apologies?
      And secretive and controlling about money (IMO, secretive is, by definition, somewhat controlling)

      I”m going to throw out one more thing here, several people have mentioned inertia, and it’s a real thing w/ relationships–you take the next step because you’re supposed to. You stay because moving out is hard (REALLY hard). And you care about someone and breaking their heart seems awful.
      But there’s nothing stopping you. And you don’t need a ‘good enough’ reason to break up with someone. There doesn’t have to be a fight or a epiphany or anything, it can just seem like time to go.
      And that’s hard (it can, from the other side, feel like blindsiding and lack of closure), but it’s better than drifting into something even harder to get out of–like marriage.
      You don’t need him to be a monster to break up, you just need to not want to be there. If you don’t want to be there, don’t try to wait for reason enough–rip off that bandaid and go. It’ll hurt, but, stayng will hurt more.

    20. Need a Beach*

      Honestly, the way you describe him sounds like Dexter. He mimics surface-level appropriate social behaviors, but can’t manage to cultivate deeper emotional abilities. If I couldn’t talk about my guy without evoking the stereotype of a benevolent serial killer, I’d start planning an exit strategy.

      (I’m being maybe 50% facetious here. Your description really does come across like a character study of someone with those behaviors.)

    21. Annette*

      I have no time for men who are hiding something. They dig a burrow and hide more and more until you can’t get into the hole. Thank u next

    22. PlatypusOo*

      I am very impressed with your level of self awareness. When I was 25 I wouldn’t have allowed myself to even have these thoughts-and I definitely should have had them.
      I would listen to your inner voice about this situation and allow yourself to move on if that’s what it’s telling you to do. Best of luck to you.

    23. only acting normal*

      Aside from you not wanting to spend even another year or two with him, which is plenty enough on its own! And the emotional distance which may be simple reserve or something else…
      The refusal to talk finances with you is a HUGE f**king red flag to me. I grew up in a climate of financial abuse: it is pernicious and nasty, and not even knowing what he earns is a stong symptom. So on that basis alone, this internet stranger is telling you to get out sooner rather than later.

    24. Alex*

      Don’t logic yourself into staying with him. You don’t have to have an air-tight, rational reason to break up. “I just don’t feel the right way about you” is 100% enough reason to break up.

      If he doesn’t do it for you, he doesn’t do it for you…and he probably won’t ever.

    25. Parenthetically*

      Hey, moving in together did what it was supposed to do, then! :)

      Someone can be AMAZING, objectively, and still not the right person for you. I know many truly upstanding guys who are smart, thoughtful, kind, generous… but who I could never marry. You’re allowed to break up with Awesome Guys, and you don’t have to have a reason beyond, “I don’t want to be in a romantic relationship with you any more.” You do have lots of other reasons, but bottom line is that you’re allowed to decide you don’t want to be with him any more.

      I think the right time to break up with someone is as soon as is feasible when you realize you want to. You can let him go, so you can find someone who makes you feel excited to spend the next 40 years with them, and he can do the same.

      Just a note that I do NOT recommend “moving out and giving each other some space.” A clean break is faster to heal. If you feel “horrible” thinking about spending your life with him, no amount of space is going to fix that. It’s a fundamental incompatibility.

      1. Lucy*

        This is a great comment. And it’s why I think it’s unwise to marry someone without living with them first (even if not necessarily just you two but in a larger houseshare). People are different when you see them All The Time.

        I thought I was happy with my ex. Then it got to the stage (and apparently the weekend) when he was ready to propose, and I suddenly realised I wasn’t forever-happy. We split up that day and are now each happily married to other people.

    26. Khlovia*

      Don’t ask me how I know this: After a few years with a man who by an amazing coincidence is 100% always 100% right about 100% of everything, you just kind of stop bothering to think your own thoughts. You certainly don’t waste effort saying them out loud.

      I shall now channel the excellent Captain Awkward: You don’t have to have a “good” or “good enough” reason to break up with someone. You don’t have to earn that right; you don’t have to identify an unmistakable dealkiller that everyone will agree with and approve of. You just have to realize you want, or need, to break up.

      He wants to have kids and lead a peaceful life not talking to you about anything important, so until you are out of the house and not accepting his visits, please make sure you are using birth control that YOU control and to which he does not have access. Thank you.

    27. Marthooh*

      He sounds like a terrific roommate and a lousy boyfriend. Well, a terrific roommate aside from always having to win the arguments. Okay, so, a lousy boyfriend and an iffy roommate.

    28. Jean (just Jean)*

      There’s nothing wrong with ending a relationship if it isn’t working out for you. You sound conscientious and kind. I trust you’ll communicate the difficult news as constructively as possible.

      Relationship math is not like normal math. Somebody can be 98% a good match, 2% a bad match…and that 2% can end up outweighing the 98%. But even with “only 2%” mismatch, it’s permissible to end it.

      Your circumstances are close to ideal in that you have not invested years and years in each other and will be able to part completely instead of having to continue as co-parents. (and + a million to the commenter(s) who advised you to keep up with the failproof birth control.)

    29. dumblewald*

      There is no such thing as a perfect person, but the people you date long term/marry need to be people you are comfortable with. This means you won’t feel uneasy with them being your primary source of communication, socialization, and someone you share physical space with. It’s good that you recognize this. I would also have trouble with dating someone who is emotionally distant. I considered dating someone like this and decided against it for this very reason. He’s a good person, but sometime I feel like he values keeping the peace over having any opinions or stances on anything.

    30. Maya Elena*

      I wanted to push back against the financial red flag others have brought up. Have you ever actually discussed your finances together, have you explicitly asked, or are you upset that he hasn’t proactively shared? Do you harbor resentment over this that could be coloring your perceptions of him more generally? I’m not trying to invalidate your feelings about THIS guy. But if *in the future* you find yourself attracted to introverted guys who don’t share, and that triggers or aggravates you in some way, it is worthwhile to examine whether it’s *you* taking their introversion personally, and figuring out different communication patterns.

      THAT SAID: to paraphrase from a dating advice guy I used to read: relationships are supposed to be easy; herculean effort to convince yourself into happiness won’t work. Also, if you don’t want to marry someone, the kind and respectful thing to do is to end it and let them find someone else.

      1. Parenthetically*

        I struggle with the whole “relationships are supposed to be easy” thing, because in a very real sense, you’re right, but I think any worthwhile relationship is going to require upkeep, effort, struggle, and just plain work, but I think it should also… I dunno, maybe feel like home, and always, definitely, be a place where you can be your authentic self. I absolutely agree with the second part of that — you should never, ever convince yourself into happiness. My husband and I are VERY different people and so it’s taken us a lot of hard work, including lots of counseling and therapy to get to where we are communication-wise, but that’s all felt like GOOD work, because we were in the same foxhole even when things were really hard.

        I think it’s better phrased as “any work you do in a relationship should be work you do TOGETHER, not work one of you is doing to or on the other” or “ongoing, unreciprocated, un-honored emotional labor sucks; don’t stay in a relationship where you’re doing all of it” or something.

      2. Anastasia Beaverhousen*

        Ah, but if they’re living together, there really should have been at least a surface-level conversation about finances there (how much can we afford? what percentage of our income do we want to spend on rent, and how much is that figure?) so if she still doesn’t have at least a baseline idea, that does sound like a red flag.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Seriously. My husband and I have very adamantly separated finances via prenup, but we still at least know what each other make, at least in a ballpark, and what our individual debt loads look like (again, at least in a general sense).

    31. fposte*

      Another road to the same Rome: people deserve to have someone really love them. It’s fairer to him, not just to you, to move on so he can find somebody really enthusiastic about him.

      And then you can find someone you’re really enthusiastic about.

    32. NB*

      You asked for encouragement, and even though I agree with the other commenters that this isn’t the relationship you want, I want to encourage you that everything will be OK. Break ups hurt a lot. They are a huge disruption in your life, and it takes time to put the pieces back together. I went through a broken engagement when I was about your age, and I thought I would never recover, but little by little, life got better. Over time, I was happy again, and I had a much better sense of what I wanted from a life partner. Now, I feel like I dodged a bullet. It’s okay to feel uncertain and even sad for a while. It will get better. {hugs}

    33. Quandong*

      Hi Emily,

      It’s very possible to break up with your boyfriend just because you want to break up, and for everything to be okay.

      It really sounds like you know your bf is not meeting your needs in the relationship, and that there are some red flags showing. You deserve to be in a relationship with a partner who meets you in the ways that you need – emotional connection, availability, reciprocation, honesty, willingness to talk about crucial aspects of relationships, ability to compromise and be on equal footing.

      As a person who married very young, I didn’t listen to my gut, and it’s something I regret. My marriage was really not good and took a huge toll on me. It should have been a short learning relationship but I made a lot of mistakes and it was a Very Long and Unpleasant learning experience. (I divorced in my early 30s.)

      Please follow your instincts and break up with your boyfriend. It may be hard at first but you will be so much better off in the long term!

      If you want more encouragement and advice I highly recommend Captain Awkward and also this Dear Sugar column:
      https://therumpus.net/2011/06/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-77-the-truth-that-lives-there/

      Best wishes!

    35. Indie*

      My financially-and-emotionally secretive ex was a great guy. Still is! If you needed help, even if he hardly knew you, he would volunteer faster than any boy scout. It came out of a genuine concern and love of people too. I let that trait confuse me. Great guy doesn’t mean great partner. It took an affair and a lot of financial infidelity and debt to get me to see that people are complex and sometimes they hide sides of themselved. It is possible for people to compartmentalise and be amazing at x and sucky at y. Some people find it easier to be fulfilled by a community than privately vulnerable in a partnership.
      Even if this is nothing more than his being somewhat more reserved, or possibly just reserved with you; you know this is not what you want. This is the interview stage for the job of marriage. This is where his best and most impressive behaviour is on show. I don’t think it is a goer.

  15. Johanna*

    Mental Health thread. I’m depressed and unemployed. It’s 1030, I’ve been to the gym and two 12 step meetings. What makes you feel better in times like these? Obvious or unexpected, please share.

    1. WellRed*

      An unexpected invitation from a friend? Some sun and fresh air, if possible. More practically, accomplishing some task, be it cleaning, weeding out the closet or doing taxes.

    2. Chicago anon*

      Congratulations, you’ve done three things already and it’s not even noon! Give yourself some credit and a nice break, like fancy coffee or tea, or read something fun (go to the library?), or a show you like.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        And three difficult things at that. I’d have to go take a nap at very least.
        How did you reward yourself for keeping this commitments, OP?

    3. DrTheLiz*

      I’ve been trying to sort of Konmari my routine. Find things that “spark joy” and put them in my day.

      Example: have breakfast be a meal I’m enthusiastic about so I can get out of bed. For a while it was waffles with frozen berries (toastinbthe waffle thaws the berry), now it’s oatmeal with frozen berries.

      Similarly, I have fancy tea that I look forward to drinking and I can use it to “do something nice” for myself almost whenever.

    4. Autumnheart*

      I think of all the hobbies I enjoy, and I try to spend some time each day doing them. When I was unemployed, I also started using a whiteboard to write down small tasks that I could accomplish each day, e.g. “Vacuum the stairs” or “Take trash out”. When I could look at the board and see that I was doing productive things, and when I could reflect on my day and know that I spent at least some time doing things I loved, then I had evidence that I was still moving forward and it made me feel better. (It also gave me something to show unhelpful people who were like “What do you do all day?” like I was malingering.)

      Unemployment is so stressful! I hope you have success in your job search soon.

    5. DataGirl*

      I struggle a lot with depression too. In the past couple years I have started some exercise classes (dance, barre, and most recently krav maga). The people are great and it makes me feel better to be in those spaces, plus of course the benefits of exercise.

    6. Alex*

      Things that make me feel good:

      Cooking a healthy meal.
      Listening to or playing music.
      Writing to a friend I haven’t talked to in a while.
      Having a clean house (I would say “cleaning my house” but that’s not really the part I like…lol).

    7. Jean (just Jean)*

      Taking a walk outside, with more emphasis on journey than destination. (Am about to do this right now! According to one weather forecast, after today we have no sunshine for at least a week.)

    8. CheeseNurse*

      I feel for you. Unemployment is crushing and horrible, and you’re dealing with that while depressed.

      I’m in a similar situation. I start my new job on Monday, but I went through 9 months of depressed unemployment. Here’s what helps me a little:
      – Time with supportive friends. I have to arrange Skype dates with mine because they’re far away, but I’ve learned that I need it.
      – Weight lifting. Body weight exercises at home if I don’t want to show my face at the gym.
      – Doing physically strenuous tasks like shoveling, scrubbing the bathtub, etc.
      – Forcing myself to do tasks I hate, but that are hanging over my head. Banging out a bunch of cover letters, hemming some pants, that kind of thing.
      – Volunteering. I’m super shy so I don’t like interacting with strangers all that much, but I figured out how to volunteer remotely (I knit blankets for a geriatric department at a local hospital).

    9. Depression suuuucks*

      Stopping to smell the roses – literally. Nature and looking at nature is good for you – your brain responds to stuff like the colour green and fibonacci sequences in leaf patterns and stuff like that, as well as the smells and sounds.

      I can’t always manage a walk, so if I’m in a store that sells flowers, herbs or houseplants, I stop and look at them, smell the flowers, and touch and smell the herbs. On really bad days, I’ll do an image search for stuff I like – ‘woodland paths’ or ‘fields of flowers’ or ‘roses’ – then change my background screen to images of nature that cheers me up.

      I also have a ‘happy videos’ playlist on Youtube, and several music playlists – some cheer me up, some that make me feel energetic, some that are calming, etc. And several boards on Pinterest – cute cats, funny dogs, jokes and humour.

      I also made a mental health journal, with coping tips and print outs of articles, and a happiness art journal/scrapbook, which is just full of art and stuff that looks pretty and poems and song lyrics and whatever else I like. (It’s a very low-key style, like a basic scrapbook, not anything fancy; I want it to be low pressure and easy to add to even on bad days.)

      I hope there’s at least one idea in here that helps you.

    10. Chi chan*

      I would escape into books or seasons. One chapter or episode a day kept me looking forward to tomorrow.

  16. Nita*

    Mini roses. Has anyone grown them indoors? How? I’ve got a lovely one and want to take good care of it. I know they do well outdoors, but I don’t have a garden right now – my options are to try keeping it indoors, or to plant it in my parents’ garden an hour away.
    FWIW, my windows have southern exposure – a few hours of direct light in winter, lots of indirect light in summer. Very dry air in the winter, which probably isn’t great, but I have a fish tank which acts as a sort of humidifier.

  17. LGC*

    Might as well get the running post up! I have a couple of things that are ongoing (I’ll put the super nerdy stuff in a comment):

    1) I mentioned last week that I’m going to be pacing a half marathon in April. (First time doing it.) I know running wise what I need to do but…what should I do during the race? Normally I’m not that talkative on the run, but should I change that? What else do I need to look out for?

    2) Boston training is…going okay. I’m able to run decently most of the time, although my plans (and nearly myself) kind of went sideways this week.

    1. LGC*

      The promised Nerd Stuff:

      So I got a Forerunner 235 a couple of months ago. It’s…weird! Specifically, I noticed it reporting really low heart rates (as in, it would say that my heart rate was in the 150s maximum when I was running sub 6:00 miles – which is crazy, since that’s faster than my pace for a half marathon), and dropping as I got further in to tempos. (I was not slowing down that much.)

      I’ve found that restarting the watch resets it to be more accurate (or at least closer to what I expected – 160s/low 170s), but it’s a little frustrating that I need to do this every time I go for a run. At this point should I send it back to Garmin? Or is this normal?

      (Relevant: I usually run outside in cold weather.)

      1. sports tech*

        DC Rainmaker (a sports tech review site, basically) may have some information on the low HR numbers, as may the Garmin forums. A possibility involving less research (assuming you’re currently using the 235’s optical HR sensor) is to get an HR monitor external to the watch that will record in lieu of the watch’s integrated monitor. There are a bunch of possibilities for those–DC Rainmaker might have good guidance there; I know he’s historically liked the Scosche monitor–though I can say personally, I use one of the Garmin monitors on a Polar chest strap (the Garmin strap is generally fine and I’d recommend it to most folks; I imply have some kind of bizarre personal body chemistry issue with it that doesn’t see to be an issue with the Polar) and have been happy with it.

      2. sports tech*

        One item I forgot originally: DC Rainmaker (the site should be easy to turn up with a search) also has good advice on where/how to wear your watch-with-an-integrated-optical-HR-monitor to make sure it can get good HR data. That might be an easy first troubleshooting step.

    2. Marion Ravenwood*

      On the pacing, whenever I’ve run with pacers at parkrun I haven’t noticed them being particularly chatty, but then I’ve never been right up next to them so it might be different if you’ve got people either side of you. I guess it’ll depend on who you’ve got running with you and how fast they’re going. (Also, good on you for being a pacer!) And glad marathon training is going all right :)

      This week I did a treadmill run for the first times in ages (and remembered how much I loathe intervals – walking is so boring and I just want to run!), and then parkrun this morning. Annoyingly 27 seconds slower than last time, but I’m chalking that up to having to break in my new shoes.

      Also, for the AAM runners, I have a question: would it be a bad idea to do two 5k races three days apart? I’m not planning to go flat-out on either of them and they’re both in the same location, though not necessarily the same course (they’re being run by two different organisers). It’s very much not definite at the moment – I’ve only paid race fees for one as I don’t know yet if I can do the other one due to work – but I’m keen to hear from more experienced runners about whether it’s something I should even be considering.

      1. LGC*

        It’s a little difficult to race that close together if you’ve never done it, but it’s definitely possible. I guess the best way to think about it is as one 10k. So it depends on what you feel like your fitness levels are!

        What makes it a little more complicated is that one is during the week, so if you’re working and then racing that might take a little bit more out of you than a standard weekend race.

      2. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        If you typically run 3 miles or more in a shot, I think you’ll be perfectly fine doing two 5Ks three days apart, especially if you’re not going to run either one at max speed.

      3. Marion Ravenwood*

        Thanks LGC and The Librarian! I do normally do three miles plus when I go out, but equally I know I’m definitely not up to 10k level yet, so am still in two minds about doing both races. (The one I’ve already paid for is on a Saturday, so would replace parkrun that week.) As I say it might well be that work means I can’t do the midweek event anyway, but that one’s repeated later in the year so I’m happy to hold out until then once I’ve got a few more miles under my belt. I might also see if there’s one in a week when I’m volunteering at parkrun and aim for that instead.

    3. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      I’ve tried a couple of pacing groups in the marathons I’ve run… Everyone has different taste for this, I’m sure, but I think not being talkative will be better than talking too much. I had to leave one pacing group in a marathon because the pacer’s chatter was relentless, complete with near-constant singing. He was trying much too hard and giving me a headache. Not my cup of tea. My feeling is… just be yourself!

      Good luck with your Boston training! I’m kind of thankful, personally, that I’m training for a half marathon and not a full. My long runs have been really nice as a stress reliever after a couple of rough weeks at work, but they’ve been super sluggish. I’m prepared to run a very slow half marathon next month, and honestly, that’s fine with me.

      1. LGC*

        Thanks for your blessing! I’m normally not very chatty on the run but if you ask me when we should finish I’ll give you an answer down to the second. (Okay. Maybe not THAT precise, but I’ll definitely know what your finishing time should be if we continue on at pace.

        I’m hoping that I can finally break 2:50 at Boston (which sounds insane but I ran 2:54 at New York, so…if Boston decides not to be Boston, maybe?). I haven’t had any runs where I felt bad – it’s mostly been just external factors (like me cutting a tempo in half because of black ice, or the actual temperature being 5 degrees F). So, it’s just the standard hazards of living in the NE US but not so much my own fitness.

    4. Jayess*

      I’m pacing a couple events this year. I haven’t done it before, so I’m not an expert. But to me, you have to know your racer. I don’t think I would pace for someone I didn’t know, or if I did, I’d take it pretty easy on the chatter. Some people are really into it, but it’s easy to get more talkative than less talkative.

      My first pacing event of the year is coming up on the 15th of March. It’s one part pacing, and one part setting my own record. I’m simultaneously looking forward to it and ready for it to be done. Training for the effort has got me repeating the same 3.5 km of trail 10+ times a week and I’m starting to get dizzy from the loops.

      1. LGC*

        So, I’ll provide a lot of background (I’ve already outed my RL info previously so yeah):

        I’m actually leading a pace group officially! (1:45, NJ Half Marathon.) So I’m “officially” a part of the race. So I know exactly what I have to run (8:00), but not exactly who I’m running with.

        1. LGC*

          It’s also my first time leading a pace group! (I did run with a friend last month but that was just one (old as hell) guy who I volunteered myself for.)

    5. Bulbasaur*

      Got my 10k event done! (The one I’d tried to enter for three years running but had to pull out due to injuries etc.) It went well. Time was nothing to write home about, but pretty good considering my training. My body also held up well and I didn’t have any of my warning aches and pains.

      If all goes well I might be able to manage the half next year.

      1. LGC*

        Congrats! (And to be honest, like…dude, don’t judge your finishing times. In the end, if it’s good for you, then it’s good period.)

        1. Bulbasaur*

          Sorry, I didn’t mean to imply that there is such a thing as good or bad times in absolute terms (except maybe for the Olympic athletes among us, if any). The phrase in my case meant “almost 10% off my personal best”. I was still happy with it, because (a) the PB was set by an earlier me from several years ago whose biomechanical problems hadn’t caught up with him yet and whose injury worries were still in the future and (b) it was at the quicker end of the range that I had targeted as being reasonable for me at the moment. However if all continues to go well I would definitely expect to improve on it next year (if I do the 10k at least).

          This race now publishes a 5k split and I discovered that mine were within a couple of seconds of each other – which is amusing, if misleading. A 10k for me usually has the following stages:

          0-2k: This is fun! I have no idea how fast I am going though.
          2k marker: Crap, I’m going too fast/slow, I need to slow down/speed up!
          4k: End of the adrenalin rush. Find a sustainable pace that can eat up the distance.
          8-9k: Hanging on desperately if I went out too fast. If I have something still in the tank, time to push the pace a bit!
          Last 100m: Time to finish in style, unless I am completely wiped, in which case I am on the lookout for a soft patch of grass beyond the finish line.

          1. LGC*

            Your description of 10ks is kind of like how I ran…my last 10k. I think I actually chased the lead pack for the first half mile/800m – in a race where the winners run 30 minutes! I’m no slouch – I ran about 36 minutes in that race – but 30 is way outside my range.

            There’s also a picture floating around from a rival club (okay, not really rivals but they’re the big club in my area) of one of their guys finishing a 5k. I’m in the foreground of it looking absolutely destroyed. (As I should have since I ran a 1 minute PR.) I was actually in a better state than I was when I ran that race the year before, when I just crossed the line and laid down on the grass for 15 minutes. (Or the first time I ran that race, when I ran through the line into the field house – it finished on a HS track – collapsed on a bench in the locker room, and was so drained a paramedic asked if I was okay.)

      2. A bit of a saga*

        I’m with LGC, well done for reaching your goal – and re: time, there’s always time to improve (I’m not a fast runner at all and I think I calculated I came something like top 90 percent in my last race. But I did a very good time for me that I was happy with and that’s all that matters)

  18. LDN Layabout*

    Tipping…

    Luckily most of my trip is with a US resident but for when I’m on my lonesome:

    – 20% for good service, 25% for very good in restaurants?
    – Taxis/Lyfts/Ubers, 10%?
    – Bartenders, a few dollars per drink?
    – Hotel housekeeping, $3-5 a night?

    Please tell me if I’m missing something obvious a tourist would run across.

    1. CatCat*

      Restaurant and bar, I do 15-20%. This is the standard custom. 25% would require truly exceptional service.

      If you use a bellman’s services at the hotel, I generally tip $1-$2 per bag.

      Parking valets $3-$5

      For taxi/uber/lyft, I’d do 10-20%

      If you use the hotel concierge to find and book you reservations or tickets, I’d do $5-$20.

      1. Christy*

        I hate to break it to you but the restaurant tipping standards have changed in the past ten or so years. 15% is now considered a bad tip. 20% is standard.

    2. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Bartenders will usually give you change in $1 bills so its customary to leave a buck a drink on the bar when you get your drinks. Just leave it there, everyone knows not to touch it :)

      Hotel housekeeping – as a former maid once in a former life, for a VERY short time, it was much appreciated but not expected, and I worked at a five star resort. That range sounds fine if you wish to leave it, although to be honest, half the time I forget.

      Taxi – maybe 15%. Restaurant is 15% with 20% for good service.

      Dont feel like you need to always tip in the tip jar, I dont unless its been excellent service. If the bellhop at the hotel takes your bags up, its a few bucks per bag tip would be expected.

      You aren’t going to Las Vegas, right? That has some of its own ‘other’ rules on tipping.

      1. WellRed*

        Vegas has different rules? Do tell. I go every year, again later this spring and would hate to be out of step.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I dunno about different, but additional? I don’t have to tip my blackjack dealer (I don’t usually tip them directly until I get up, but about every 8-10 hands in at the table I place a small bet for them in addition to my own) or roving cocktail waitresses bringing me free booze ($1 chip for water, $2 for a cocktail) when in Indianapolis. :)

    3. kc89*

      those all look decent to me!

      with bartenders, I often tip $5 for the first drink as a show of good will and then $1 for the rest of the drinks for the night, if you start off with a bigger tip like that they will often pay more attention to you which can be helpful in a busy bar

    4. Groot*

      I tip 20% at most at restaurants. usually between 18-20. I think the 25% is ridiculous. Next what? move it to 30%?

      1. valentine*

        They get paid like $1/hour, Groot, so, yes, 30%, until we crumble capitalism, change the law, or people act right.

    5. Sammie*

      In CA, especially in the expensive cities, I believe 20% in restaurants is pretty much standard now. At least that’s what I’ve been told after moving here a couple years ago, and it’s the general rule I follow.

      1. Penguin*

        When I lived in the Boston (another expensive city!) area several years ago, 20% was also considered standard restaurant tip level.

    6. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Actually, 20% should be the average tip in a restaurant because it has been almost 30 years (1991) since the tipped minimum wage was raised to $2.13 per hour. So unless we agree that wait staff deserve a hefty pay cut due to inflation, we need to tip more than we used to back then. (Until we can abolish the tipped minimum wage and just force employers to pay waitstaff a living wage like everyone else, rather than put them at the mercy of the customer, which has been shown to lead to racial and gender pay inequality.)

      So yes, I tip 20% minimum for passable service, and 25-30%+ for exceptional service. It’s only a difference of a few dollars, generally, and I used to wait tables, so I know it’s not easy.

        1. The Cosmic Avenger*

          Probably. I’ve only lived in high cost of living cities and suburbs on the east coast, where the economic disparity is probably more stark.

          Oh, and LDN Layabout, the rest of your tips seemed fine to me. If someone takes your luggage to your hotel room, tip them a few dollars ($5-20, depending on how many bags, how helpful they are, and the price of the room). If a concierge is really helpful and does a lot of work for you or really makes your trip, you can tip them once, usually at checkout, but it’s not expected, and may even be refused, depending on the hotel. (I don’t know if you’re staying at a hotel, but those were the only other things I could think of that you didn’t mention.)

      2. lammmm*

        If I’m tipping cash, I round up to whatever cash I have. So standard, decent service on $40 bill may get a $10 tip if all I have is a $1, $5, and $10. They’d of have to be truly terrible for me to leave the $6 in this case.

      3. TL -*

        You tip off food prices, though, which have kept pace with inflation and comprise the majority of a server’s paycheck. In lower cost of living areas, 15% is fine. 20% in HCOL if they follow federal tipped wages (some don’t).

        1. The Cosmic Avenger*

          Yes, the portion of server’s wages paid directly by customers should be keeping pace with inflation, but the portion paid by their actual employers has not, as I explained. So they have suffered a decrease in wages relative to inflation, if tipping stayed the same.

    7. Parenthetically*

      For bartenders, it VERY MUCH depends what I’m drinking. I’m not going to tip a few dollars per drink on a $5 pint of Guinness. A fancy, multi-step, $14 cocktail, sure.

    8. Alex*

      All looks good, although in some cases you can use some discretion. For bars, I leave $1 for a beer and $2 for a cocktail, usually.

      If you are just vacationing, you may not run into this, but we also tend to tip other service providers, like hair stylists, manicurists, massage therapists, etc. If you go to a spa you may want to tip the person who provided the service, and 15-20% is appropriate.

  19. Anon anony*

    When you are listening to someone speak, is it okay to nod your head while listening? I do this and I have one friend who will ask, “Did I already tell you?” When I asked why she would ask that, she replied, “Because you were shaking your head.”

    I’m just being an “active listener” but now I’m confused if I should just not move or what’s going on…

    1. Lilysparrow*

      No, you’re fine. That’s just her.

      She may have a habit of repeating stories and be a bit paranoid about trying not to.

    2. Not A Manager*

      If it’s just the one person, I’d ignore it.

      Your question did make me think, though, that I nod my head BOTH to indicate “I am listening/I hear you” AND to indicate “I’ve heard this before from you or someone else and I’d like you to wrap this up.” The only difference I can think of (and I’m sitting on my couch nodding to myself as I type), is that the “let’s wrap this up” nod is faster and involves more direct eye contact than the “I am listening” nod, which is slower and more thoughtful.

      It’s *possible* that you’re somehow giving the “move along now” nod when you intend the “I feel you” nod.

    3. Marion Ravenwood*

      I do a lot of interviews for my side hustle, and I nod all the time when I’m listening in those. It’s generally code for ‘yes I’m paying attention’ in a way that means I’m still paying attention to the story and giving the interviewee time to speak – sometimes in that scenario ‘mmm’ or ‘yeah’ can put people off, so nodding indicates ‘I’m still interested in what you’re telling me’.

      That said, I know I sometimes do the insistent ‘double nod’ in a way that’s meant to be encouraging, but can sometimes feel like hurrying along, so maybe you’re doing that unintentionally and that’s what your friend picked up on?

    4. Iron Chef Boyardee*

      I’ve always thought of nodding as a non-verbal “uh-huh” or acknowedgement that I’m listening, a kind of social thing like the way “how are you?” is used as an expression and not as an actual indication of concern about the other person’s welfare.

      But I have Asperger’s Syndrome so I’m not always up on the proper social cues; take my comments with however many grains of salt as you wish.

    5. fposte*

      It’s fine. It’s not crucial that you do it–a lot of people, especially male people, don’t do a lot of nodding–and it’s possible to overdo it to the point it may be distracting. Feel free to ask that one friend what’s going on, though.

  20. PX*

    Roommate rant.

    I usually sublet the second room in the flat where I live (with the landlords blessing), and was perhaps a bit too hasty when choosing my last tenant. When she came over for a viewing, I noticed some things which gave me pause, but there werent a lot of other good candidates so I went with her. Alas, she doesnt seem to have the same kind of boundaries I do, but have no idea how to raise that.

    There are 2 main things which bug me:
    1. Moving my stuff around. I probably just need to suck it up and have a clear conversation with her about this, but it drives me nuts that she doesnt seem to understand that I dont want her re-arranging furniture or re-organising the kitchen and making it impossible to find anything every 3 weeks because…she thinks they look better that way.

    2. She wants to talk/interact with me way more than I want. My roommate preference is someone who pays their rent, is quiet and reasonably clean/tidy. I’m not looking to make friends and am perfectly happy to only have hi/bye/I’m away next week type conversations. She on the other hand always wants to know how my day was, what I’m up to, tells me what she’s up to, what her sister is up to, how her work is etc etc etc. The other week she came up behind me while I was cooking in the kitchen to peek over my shoulder to see what I was cooking and tell me it seemed nice. Ack. I had no words but shuddered so much. This – I have no idea how to approach.

    How do you tell someone to just…stop interacting so much with you? I’ve ranted to all my friends about this but no one has had any suggestions on how (or if) this is something that can be done without coming across as massively…mean/rude.

    1. Traffic_Spiral*

      Well, for #1 you need to learn how to Use Your Words, and for #2… I dunno. Most people do want to feel sorta friendly and familiar with a person they live with, and yeah, there’s not really a way to be like “I want you to just pay rent and not to talk to me” that isn’t… unfriendly. Not sure how you’re gonna get around that, other than obviously next time you need to be clear up front that you want your roommate not to talk to you and generally act like you don’t exist.

      1. valentine*

        there’s not really a way to be like “I want you to just pay rent and not to talk to me” that isn’t… unfriendly
        Sure there is. Ideally, it would’ve been in the ad and discussed during the interview, but it’s never too late to (re)set terms. PX, it sounds like she signed up for companionship (or assumes that’s what you want; ideally, she will be relieved to hear it’s not), so, it’d be kind to offer to let her out of the lease. Maybe she doesn’t know she only has permission to do whatever with her kitchen spaces. If necessary, put Post-Its or something on her cabinets, so she can see she needs to leave everything else alone.

    2. Not A Manager*

      Possibly silly question – is she renting a room from you, or is she sharing the flat with you? Is she supposed to have equal access to the living space and kitchen? I think she shouldn’t move your stuff either way, but if she’s really renting a room and the rest of the apartment is yours, I think it’s a different conversation than if you’re sharing the whole space.

      1. PX*

        No, its a good question! I typically advertise it as just the room plus obviously access to the kitchen and bathroom. When it comes to the living room, I usually say I’m happy for them to use it if I’m away or if they let me know in advance – for example if they want to have people over. But I would say its generally mine.

        But for instance in the kitchen, the spaces are clearly defined – shelves and cupboards for me, shelves and cupboards for the roommate. And thats a clear conversation when they move in. So coming back and finding stuff re-arranged there really boggles me. Like, there is a space for your things. Why are you re-arranging my things too? Plus I find her use of space really inefficient too so I’m like – this makes no sense even from a practical perspective!

        To be honest I’ve probably had the soft version of the conversation where I address the individual instances when it happens, but I’ve not quite mustered the courage to have the big picture conversation of ‘you keep doing this and it keeps bugging me so please stop it’. Mainly because I keep hoping she’ll stop eventually I guess?

        1. Anastasia Beaverhousen*

          Ohhhh, that’s really different – my initial thought was “Well, it’s a roommate, it’s her kitchen too, it’s not really fair to say she doesn’t have a say in the arrangement of shared spaces” but… rearranging *your* shelf is certainly a step too far. Definitely requires a big-picture conversation of “Hey, I want to be clear that I’d prefer you not rearrange my things in the kitchen – do whatever your like with your own space, but, I have mine organized the way I like, please leave it as-is!” Which might be a good tie-in for the “can we not rearrange the furniture unilaterally please” conversation.

          I’m not sure you can ask her to talk to you less, though – not without alienating her to the point she wants to move out. It’s not weird that she’d want to get to know the person she’s living with, nor that she’d think she has equal right to be in the kitchen; she presumably thought commenting on your food was just being friendly. Probably all you can do there is say things like, “When I get home from work I’m often really tired and need to have some quiet time, thanks for understanding” and from their just model the behaviour you want her to display – politely ending conversations to go do something else (even if just “Oh, there’s a TV show on I want to watch” or “Oh, I have some emails to catch up on!”) and minimize engaging in conversation with her.

          1. PX*

            Oh man, to be clear, shes free to be in the kitchen whenever. And the food commenting would have been fine, except that she literally came up super close, right behind me to look over my shoulder at what I was chopping. All up in my personal bubble.

            Its that kind of interaction which makes me be like…!!! And then it clouds everything else because I cant fathom why you would do that.

            1. Not So NewReader*

              Eh, you don’t have to know why. Probably she just couldn’t see what you were chopping. You can just say that you prefer people don’t stand close to you or that people don’t stand close to you while you are chopping. And you will do the same in return.

            2. Canadian Natasha*

              Ooh, I feel you on the personal space invasion. I have someone at the place we don’t talk about on weekends who does that along with grabbing and leaning onto the back of my chair and it drives me bonkers! But it is definitely a culture/personality difference that isn’t meant to be rude so I try to be nice about it. (I still politely ask her to stop, but I maturely refrain from biting her chair-leaning hands. Lol)

              As unpleasant as it feels, I think it is time for you to have a direct conversation with your housemate about their inappropriate patterns of behaviour in moving your stuff. I’d save the excessive talking conversation for a separate time so they don’t feel like you are finding *everything* wrong with them.
              Good luck!

        2. Asenath*

          I think, if the arrangement was that “these are your kitchen shelves, those are mine”, and she re-arranged mine to suit her taste, she’d be under no illusions that this wasn’t part of the rental agreement! I still remember the time one of my aunts visited my mother and rearranged my mother’s kitchen shelves “so they were organized in a way that made sense”! But some of the things you mention – the friendliness – seem to be mainly a personality difference. I understand it’s annoying – I tend to be self-contained, which is partly why I like living alone!, but many for many people that sort of behaviour is on the basic courtesy level. I think I’d speak up on things that weren’t part of the rental arrangement, like moving your things in your space, and put up with the chitchat. And giving reminders if it happens again, possibly escalating to the “I’ve asked you not to reorganize my things, but you’re still doing it”.

          1. PX*

            Ah self contained. Such a good way to phrase it. When I had the ad up, there was someone who responded and described themselves that way and I was like: You! Please come live with me!

            Alas, they had already found somewhere to live by the time I had the viewing.

            But yes, I think a big picture conversation about some of the other things will probably give me more patience to put up with the chitchat to be honest. So weekend goal it is!

        3. Someone Else*

          You might be able to avoid this in the future if you make a point of having this conversation up front when interviewing potential renters. Not in an adversarial way, but in a “this is what you’re signing up for/ this is the deal I am offering” way. Then you’ll be on the same page from the get-go. From what you describe it sounds like either she’s just super inconsiderate (possible, but I’m thinking less probable based on your not yet having a super direct discussion with her) or the two of you are just not at all on the same page about what this living arrangement was intended to be.

          1. PX*

            Yup, I will be making it clearer in the ad and bringing it up during the viewing more explicitly for sure. Unfortunately in this case, I only realised after she moved in that she was looking for more of a ‘lets be friends and hang out!’ type arrangement I think…

        4. BPT*

          I will say that the arrangement that she only gets a room, “access” to the kitchen, and inability to really use the living room is an unusual arrangement in a lot of places. Everywhere I’ve lived, advertising a room just denotes that you’re looking for a roommate to share an apartment/house, and that the whole apartment isn’t for rent. I’ve rarely heard of advertising a room meaning “you only get to use the room but the common spaces are not shared equally.” Was this spelled out clearly in the ad? Because if not, she probably came in thinking that it was an apartment share/roommate situation.

          If it was spelled out very clearly before she signed a lease and she’s paying considerably less than you are, then I get your annoyance about the living room. The kitchen: I would share your annoyance (because I got to the place where just living with roommates annoyed me, no matter what they did), but access to the kitchen probably to her means you have equal say over how things are done there. So moving things on your shelves – absolutely not ok. Moving common items – probably a little more understandable, even if they’re not in what you think are the best places.

          The best thing is probably just to sit down and have a conversation to ensure you’re on the same page, and realize that you’re not going to be able to control everything she does.

    3. WellRed*

      Well, I get not wanting the kitchen rearranged ( fantasies here about my own kitchen arranged just so) but if you are sharing equally, she’s…not supposed to make a single change? I’ve had roommates ocassionally change things for the better, other times, it’s a big no for me. Mostly, I try to adjust my thinking or meet in the middle. Flex.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Eh, I’ve lived with housemates for the last seven years, and we’ve all operated under the idea that rearranging communal spaces was a communal decision – that is, I don’t come home and find that someone else did it without at least asking me what I think first, unless they have a really good reason. Especially if it’s my stuff they’re rearranging. Now, if new roommate has a favorite chair they’d like to find room for or something, there’s room for a discussion about that, but it sounds like they’re literally just rearranging PX’s stuff without so much as a by-your-leave, which is a little weird.

        1. PX*

          This. If at any point she would tell me before just doing stuff (or even after doing stuff!), it would absolutely be much less of an issue. But I typically just come in to find things have been moved – and like I mentioned above often in a way that is just..impractical! When she did it in the living room, I had to move everything back to where it was because given the layout we have, what she did was literally make the room have like, 75% less usable space.

          In the kitchen I try to be flexible – some of it is fine, some of it is..eh. But then its things like taking common items we both use, and moving them to the back of a cupboard under the sink. And not telling me, so I go looking for an item which has now disappeared and I’m like…where is it? Why isnt it where it was before? (This was the second time she had moved them from where they first were when she moved in…)

          1. WellRed*

            Oh, I totally sympathize. My big current irritation: stacking large pots or dishes on top of smaller ones. It’s completely illogical and takes up so much space! Also, just put the measuring cups back together instead of tossing in drawer.

            1. PX*

              Oh my god stacking! She’s not guilty of it, but previous roommates had me wondering whether I was the crazy one for believing that the small thing should go in the big thing instead of vice versa :D

              1. Canadian Natasha*

                Wait, how does this work? People actually put big plates on top of small ones? But, why….?

    4. Ex-flatmate*

      I think you just have to be clear and direct with her. There’s nothing inherently mean or rude in saying any of that, as long as your tone is appropriate. Keep it friendly and warm, but professional-sounding rather than how you’d chat to a friend. Treat it like a business conversation, because that’s pretty much what it is.

      Ideally this is stuff you’d address when someone first moved in, or preferably even when choosing someone. But you can still do it now. Sit down with her and just be honest. “Hey, Roommate, there’s a couple of things I’d like to clarify about the living situation here. Firstly, I’m finding it frustrating that you keep reorganising things in the flat. Please don’t move furniture or rearrange stuff that belongs to me. If you think there’s an issue that needs addressing, please speak to me first. Secondly, I like my space and quiet at home. I prefer not to chat and hang out with roommates. I like you fine, I’m just not up for a lot of socialising at home. Thanks for understanding.” And then just keep being friendly in passing but not engaging in conversation etc when in the flat and set the tone for what you want.

      It sounds like she’s not a great fit for you, but she doesn’t sound malicious or unkind, maybe just a bit thoughtless. But be prepared that she may not be comfortable with the type of roommate relationship you want, so she may not stick around. That’s not a bad thing, if you both get to live in situations that suit you better.

      1. PX*

        Good phrasing! There’s some stuff that came up this week which actually makes it a good time for a conversation like this I think, so I will try and do it this weekend.

        Like you say, I think it was just a bad fit. Really I think she’s just..a bit too young/immature for me. She’s reasonably fresh out of university and I think she is still very much in the mindset of a student house/dorm environment where people are much more social and share a lot vs grumpy old me who has been out of that for a long time and just wants peace and quiet!

        1. Traffic_Spiral*

          Most people don’t grow out of friendliness, you know. If you want a Ghost Roommate, you need to specifically advertise for one.

          1. WellRed*

            I use the phrase friendly but independent. I also prefer roommates over the age of 30. It screens out a lot of lifestyle conflicts. My current self would not live well with my 25 yo self.

            1. Traffic_Spiral*

              Yeah, but “came up behind me while I was cooking in the kitchen to peek over my shoulder to see what I was cooking and tell me it seemed nice?” That’s not really age-specific. Neither is “I’m not looking to make friends.” I mean, there’s nothing objectively wrong with it, but it’s sorta like trying to get a regular NSA sex partner who understands that this is purely an arrangement of convenience and you don’t ever want to just hang out or have a non-sex conversation with them. If you don’t clear that up at the beginning you very well might end up with one who asks you how your day was.

        2. Koala dreams*

          Well, the social thing I can accept as more dorm-y, but the taking things from other people’s cabinets was a big no-no in any dorm I have lived in.

    6. Iron Chef Boyardee*

      Is there a roommate agreement? Maybe there should be one.

      Not trying to be snarky or funny or anything like that.

      Obviously it doesn’t have to be as extreme as something Sheldon Cooper would write, but still… it may be a good thing to have.

      1. PX*

        No, you’re right. I typically have a conversation when people move in about expectations and practical things, but I suppose its a bit of trial and error what goes into that conversation. None of these things are issues I’ve had with previous renters, so its not something I would have thought I need to bring up.

        However as with so many things in life, you learn from experience, so I’ve definitely made some mental notes on things to discuss the next time I’m looking for someone!

      2. Wishing You Well*

        Put the house rules in writing – seriously. Say “I think we have a misunderstanding and I’d like to clarify things for both our benefits.” One page, bullet items. Include what is hers to control – cabinet, frig space, etc. Don’t make it a contract to sign. That would make it negotiable. Hand her a copy after talking about it. Written rules are tougher to misunderstand or forget.
        Be prepared if she wants to move, no matter how gently you present the issue. Be gracious.
        Give the written rules to the next tenant (if there is one) before they move in.
        Best of Luck.

        1. PX*

          Absolutely doing this for next time. The first place I lived in when I moved to my current city was this kind of set up, and they had the same thing – a list of house rules handed to me when I first moved in. It also had some of the practical bits (eg garbage collection days etc) so it wasnt just a list of do’s and dont’s, but it definitely made it clear what was/wasnt acceptable.

          And I’m very flexible on leaving dates/notice periods etc so that wouldnt be an issue on my end.

    7. Koala dreams*

      1. I think you need to be really clear that re-arranging furniture in the kitchen / living room is off-bounds, and that she shouldn’t peek into you shelves or move around stuff. Is she stealing also? Because in that case maybe it’s time to find another tenant.

      2. It’s fine to say that you are not a touchy-feely person or that you don’t appreciate her sneaking up on you. The other things are difficult because she probably feel that being social and chatty is both polite and a part of her personality. Sorry!

      1. PX*

        Oh gosh, definitely no stealing! That would definitely be end of tenancy behaviour. Just (minor) annoyances which have unfortunately built up over time.

        And I think some of the points and scripts people have proposed here have been good for me to think about! Its difficult because its not that I whole-heartedly hate being social or chatty, its just that she is the first roommate I’ve had who doesnt seem to get a lot of the social cues about when to be social or what are safe topics to discuss with someone who is basically still a stranger to you (I dont need a detailed breakdown of your sisters mental health thanks!). That combined with the other things have all just rubbed me the wrong way basically, so trying to find my zen in order to focus on the things that I can actually raise with her has been a challenge!

    8. Lilysparrow*

      Ex-flatmate makes some great points.

      I think it’s important to distinguish in your conversation between discussing things and social chitchat. Because otherwise it could come out sounding like, “Don’t touch anything without talking to me, but never talk to me!”

      Which is going to be confusing and sound unreasonably controlling, while your concerns here are in fact perfectly reasonable.

      Also, make sure you’re in a good mood and not actively irritated when you have this talk. Reduces the risk of piling on with “you’re always…” Or “and another thing…”

      Those are never helpful or productive.

      1. PX*

        Hah. Its funny your comment about not being actively irritated when I talk to her – thats kind of the problem. I’m a procrastinator at heart so what happens is she does something (usually the moving stuff)–> I am annoyed. I realise its not good to have a discussion about it when I’m annoyed as it wont be productive, so I stew for a bit while I try to find the perfect phrasing for when I do talk to her about it. Time passes and I decide its not that big of a deal/the moment has passed/it would be too awkward now.

        She does something else –> cycle begins again – with added bonus that I then remember I was annoyed previously and actually this is a pattern that should stop.

        However I am determined to do something about it because its been a couple of months now, and me stewing is no good for anyone, so I am going to use some of the suggestions here and make the conversation happen!

  21. CatCat*

    I just finished watching Diablero on Netflix. It’s set in Mexico and follows the story of a demon hunter and his associates as they try to track down missing children that have been kidnapped by a demon.

    If you like shows like Supernatural or Constantine, you would like this show.

  22. Voracious Reader*

    I would like some book suggestions please. I liked Gone Girl, The Girl in Cabin 10, An Anonymous Girl, and similar books. I’d prefer ones with great mysteries that are hard to figure out (they don’t have to have Girl in the title, ;) ). Please tell me some of your favorites.

    3. WellRed*

      Jessica knoll, Mary Kubricka are in that vein. Don’t love them, but they are certainly page turners. Didn’t love Girl on the Train either but couldn’t put it down.

    5. kneadmeseymour*

      I notice the conspicuous absence of The Girl on the Train…

      Anyway, if you like well-crafted mysteries that are hard to guess, I highly recommend Keigo Higashino. I don’t speak/read Japanese but a few of his books have been translated into English–I really enjoyed The Devotion of Suspect X. I’m a picky mystery reader who always tries to guess the ending and I could not figure this one out (in a good way).

    6. Mystery Reader*

      I enjoy the Coromon Strike series by Robert Galbraith (JK Rowling). I feel the stories are interesting and difficult to figure out. I will qualify my response with it seems that I am one of the few people out there who was pretty “meh” about Gone Girl and I haven’t read the other two you listed although I have immediately put them on my list to read. ;)

      1. Traffic_Spiral*

        Eh, I’m getting really annoyed with the whole “Robin” situation. It just seems to get too into the old cliche of “obviously the female character has to be the love interest so if she has a boyfriend who seems better than the protagonist on paper, he has to actually be a jerk and she’s just too dumb to get it.”

        But other than that, yeah, they’re good.

        1. Mystery Reader*

          Yeah, that’s true. I haven’t read the latest one yet (currently on the library waitlist) and I think the first two books didn’t have so much of that, mostly the 3rd one, so there hasn’t been enough of it yet to really bother me. But agree that is an annoying trend.

    10. Lily Evans*

      My favorite mystery writer is Tana French (though I didn’t love her most recent book, The Witch Elm). Her books always keep me guessing!

      2. Lemonwhirl*

        Was coming here to suggest Tana French. I loved “The Witch Elm” though. I think my favourite might be “Broken Harbor”. Or “The Tresspasser”.

    11. Extra vitamins*

      Hmm. How about “The Thirteenth Tale”. Pretty good mystery. It is in the gothic category, in case you don’t like that.

      1. eleanor rigby*

        I thought the adaptation (by the BBC a few years ago, well, 6 years ago, actually) was of a high standard. Plus Olivia Colman!

        1. Kate Daniels*

          Oh my gosh, I had no idea there was a movie adaptation! This has always been one of my favorite books. I’ll have to definitely check it out!

    15. Kuododi*

      I have been working on the ” Girl with a Dragon Tattoo” series.
      (Keeping with the title theme!). ;) It’s a very well done series imho. Have fun!!!

  23. Little Bean*

    Ok, please tell me if I am overreacting or just being a grouch here. I feel like my partner’s family friends are terrible hosts. Whenever they invite us for a holiday or someone’s birthday, they always ask all guests to chip in toward the food AND they also ask people to bring specific things. Like, my partner volunteered that we would bring a baked good, and was asked to bring chips and salsa instead. Neither of us even like salsa. Also, if you don’t offer enough money toward the food, they will tell you how much it cost and ask for more. I feel like, if you want to host an event, then you are responsible for the primary hosting costs OR you just make it a potluck and ask everyone to bring what they want/can. Everyone in this group does this, so it’s all the major holidays and several birthdays a year. It’s to the point where my partner and I don’t even want to go to these events anymore – at the last one, we pretended to have other plans so that we could just show up at the end and not eat or pay.

    1. Traffic_Spiral*

      Eeeh… are they from another culture? Maybe it’s a thing that’s ok in their culture. Personally, if I want to pay for a meal I’ll go to a restaurant, thank you, but I guess it’s different for them. Yeah, I’d stop going and find some other way to hang out with them, if you even want to hang out with them at all.

      1. Little Bean*

        I think they just have their own culture, from decades of events together. I am Asian American, my partner and his family are white, but we’re all from the US. I agree, if we’re going to pay $20 each for dinner, I’d rather pick a restaurant I like and order what I want from the menu.

        1. Traffic_Spiral*

          Hm. Well, I don’t think that makes them bad people, but they are sorta bad hosts, in the traditional sense. Also, even if they’re not objectively “bad” I think it’s fair to just not like how they do things and not go. Like, if you had some people that loved hosting board game nights and you hated board games. It’s not wrong, but also, it’s perfectly ok to not want to go.

          1. valentine*

            Don’t go anymore. They’re exhausting. They remind me of the woman shamed for having a super-long, extremely detailed list telling people what to do or bring.

    2. WellRed*

      They aren’t hosts if everyone else is doing all the work and and they are issuing edicts on top of that. Call it a potluck if you want, but so called hosts shouldn’t be asking for money and certainly not shaming you for it. Throw your own shin dig and show em how it’s done.

      1. Little Bean*

        We did, actually! We hosted a party at our house and we bought and prepared all of the food (the guests were people from this group as well as others, and there was no way I was going to ask people to pay to come to a party at my house). The guests raved about how much food there was and how good it was, but it definitely didn’t change anything about how they have hosted their parties since then. If anything, it just made me a little more bitter. In my family, the huge costs of hosting even out because everyone takes a turn – so I might spend several hundred dollars at once to host but then I’ll get a free/cheap meal at a dozen other events when other people take their turn hosting. But it’s not really about the money anyway – it’s more just that it feels…. ungenerous.

    3. Anastasia Beaverhousen*

      I could see one or the other (of ‘chip in toward the food’ OR ‘bring some food’), but not both. I don’t think it’s necessarily wrong to suggest what people bring, if people are bringing food – you don’t want four cakes and no salad, for example – but usually it’d be more of a vague category, like, ‘bring a side dish’ or ‘bring an appetizer’ rather than ‘bring chips & salsa’; having other people bring the food necessitates letting go of controlling the menu.
      If you want to have tight control of the menu, then you’ll have to supply the food yourself. If supplying the food yourself, it’s not unreasonable to ask others to chip in, especially if you genuinely can’t afford the expense yourself… but unless previously-agreed upon by the whole group, asking for a specific amount is a bit much.

      I don’t think you’re overreacting; but it seems like your choices are 1) decide that you like the people enough to put up with their weird habit; 2) politely explain that you’re happy to chip in, or happy to bring something, but you don’t feel like it’s fair to ask for both; or 3) don’t go to events hosted by these people any more – which will mean either hosting events yourself (possibly allowing you to model how YOU think these things should be done) or only meeting at neutral locations (like a restaurant or something). Probably comes down to how much you actually like these people – are they just ‘family friends’, or *actual* friends?

      1. Merci Dee*

        That’s a weird point of view to me, saying that it’s not unreasonable to ask people to chip in if you can’t afford the food. If you can’t afford the food, you don’t host a party. At the very least, you scale back the type of party you want to have (from dinner back to cocktail, from cocktail back to tea/coffee, etc.). Your budgetary issues should not be your guests’ problem.

        1. Washi*

          I don’t know, I think if there’s a group of people, especially family, that wants to get together regularly, but only one person’s house is big enough, that person is doing the group a favor by hosting. So in those circumstances, it’s not as much not being able to afford food as not having to be on the hook to feed everyone for every gathering. (Potlucks can work well, but sometimes having a bunch of people descend into the kitchen with their various dishes and 3 things need to go in the oven at different temperatures and someone else forgot a serving dish and stuff doesn’t super go together..I could see it just being easier to make all the food yourself and having everyone chip in.)

          But the both thing IS weird to me – if it’s a potluck, what are you paying for anyway??

        2. Indie*

          I can see that happening when people are so very close that they can dispense with a lot of formal ettiquette and get together on a ‘lets all pitch in basis’ – especially if people are young and/or broke.
          But by very close I mean you would be able to easily say back ‘No that doesnt work for me, I hate Salsa’ or ‘I can bring a host’s gift but I don’t want to do pot luck at all, actually’. I think because these people are parent’s friends the partner doesn’t feel able to do that and the friends are not considering that they are not dealing with super close peers here, even if that was how the tradition started.

          1. Indie*

            You know, scratch that, I didnt realise they were asking for actual money; WTAF.
            I think I’d dispense with make believe excuses and go straight to speaking about the invitation like it is soliciting money with things like “We can’t afford to eat out that much around the holidays actually, it’s cheaper to just feed ourselves” Or “Most of our eating out budget is being taken up with this amazing new restaurant we’ve found” or “We are actually splashing out on food ingredients right now, but it’s for the kind of menu we like to prepare at home alone together. Because we are in charge of it that way” Or ” I haven’t really been enjoying the meals you’ve asked us to pay for” or “I’d love to pay for your menu but I have been invited to a friend’s house for a free meal so they win” (but I am bloody minded enough to say that).
            Wow. A laconic ‘cant afford it’ would work but maybe discretion is the better part of valour. With my partner’s pushy family we just say we aren’t free. I dont care but they would make him suffer.

    4. kneadmeseymour*

      So you’re saying that they expect you to contribute a dish and they also expect you to chip in toward the costs of what they make? So they’re making the guests pay for everything and not paying themselves? This sounds like anti-hosting to me.

      1. Little Bean*

        It’s usually everyone contributing money toward ordering take-out from a restaurant, and then bringing an appetizer, dessert or beverage. I assume the hosts are paying a “share” of the take-out costs.

        1. Autumnheart*

          In my opinion, if one is having a party–let’s say a board game night, and there’s a decision like “Should we order pizza?” then it makes sense to have everyone chip in their share. The host would be especially nice to pay for the pizza, but it wouldn’t be rude to ask people to pay for themselves. But if someone is throwing a party for the purpose of having a meal, it IS rude to ask guests to pay.

          I might be a hypocrite, because I don’t feel that it’s rude to invite people out for dinner at a restaurant, with the expectation that each party pays for their own meal (as long as you make it clear when issuing the invitation–don’t surprise people with the bill). But I feel like it is rude if you’re hosting at home and you expect people to chip in on your party costs.

          1. Thursday Next*

            My husband was once sent a printed invitation for the two of us to a birthday party at a restaurant. IME, formal invitations=the hosts are paying.

            As we were leaving, the hosts asked us to chip in $30 pp. For a set menu that they’d decided on, which was not vegetarian (so I hadn’t eaten anything, which meant I hadn’t had any alcohol, either). It was truly tacky.

            Little Bean, at least you know the rules by which this group plays. It does seem kind of bizarre to me too, asking for money *and* food. But I think asking for money for an event at your own home is tacky, unless it’s something like a group order where everyone picks food off the menu, possibly to share, and splits the cost. If I’m paying, I want to make sure there’s something I can eat!

            Potlucks are different—they spread the costs and create variety, and they’re great for low-key gatherings. They seem more communal, rather than a party with putative hosts who are offloading so many hosting responsibilities.

              1. Thursday Next*

                My husband did—he’s too nice about things like that. But I never interacted with them again.

    5. Asenath*

      I’ve never encountered such a thing in a family setting – although there may be a tradition that Aunt Sally always brings her special apple pie for desert. Potlucks are stated ahead of time as being potlucks, not “We’re hosting a birthday party for Sam, please bring $20 and salsa”, and can be organized in different ways, ranging from complete free choice of guests as to what to bring to assigned/volunteered items, possibly with a small cash contribution to cover drinks. Potlucks might also be hosted in an individual’s house, but that’s different from that individual gicing the party. I don’t think you’re over-reacting; that’s odd.

    6. Koala dreams*

      Well, it sounds fair but strange if everybody does this. If you had shared their tradition, you would have gotten the money back when you were “hosting”. Since it doesn’t work for you, you can just decline the invitations. Offer to meet them for something not-food related on another date close to the holiday or birthday instead, to make it clear that you value them. You can go for a walk, play board games or cards, or watch a tv show for example. “Thanks for the invitation, I can’t come to the party unfortunately. I would love to spend some time with you though! What about going for a walk on *nearby date*?

    7. Autumnheart*

      I live in Potluck Country, and I would consider this bad hosting. A host should provide most of the food and beverages for their own party. Potluck etiquette also dictates that the host may say, “We’ll have plenty of food, but if you’d like to bring a dish or a beverage to share, that would be fine.”

      If the party is a true potluck with assigned dishes, that is also appropriate in Potluck Country, but it has to be agreed upon by all participants. The host can’t just be like, “I’m throwing a party and you’re invited! Please buy the chips.”

      Asking for money is really beyond the pale. That’s incredibly crass. I wouldn’t go to these parties anymore.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      Ask your partner for backstory. How did these folks arrive at this method of hosting?
      If they consistently operate this way then you are forewarned because of the consistency.

      People who are close to each other can have different boundaries with money than people who are casual acquaintances.
      My friend and I help each other out at random intervals. With larger projects we pay each other for the help. To outsiders this might seem strange. For me and my friend, it works. We pay each other in recognition and out of respect for each other’s time/specialized knowledge/etc. My point is that people do things that seem strange at first glance but it is happening for a reason. With my friend and me, what people don’t see is there are times one of us will try to pay the other one and the money gets waived, it’s just a helping hand that is all.

      If you guys don’t like it then don’t go. That is what it boils down to. Yeah, I’d be kind of upset to get hit up for money like that. I’d want to know before I went to the event how much money was expected from me. I would also tend to think , “here are some people living beyond their means and getting others to subsidize it.” Again, it depends on what everyone has agreed to in the past.

    9. Lilysparrow*

      My in-laws are a really big family and none of them are rich, though a couple have larger homes that can fit everyone.

      If any one family had to bear the brunt of feeding the whole crew, it would be so expensive they would rarely get together all at once. Which is what they like to do.

      So family events are seen as collaborative, with one or the other of the folks who have larger homes as the nominal “hosts.” But everyone chips in money or a dish. It’s not seen as an invitation, but as a communal effort because we want to see everybody.

      And yes, the nominal hostess co-ordinates the dishes to make sure all the bases are covered.

      If we’re vacationing together, each family provides one meal.

      It all works out. And there is no doubt that the host families are putting in a LOT more effort than the rest of us, because they have all the work of setup, cleanup, and a million incidental details of hosting a very large group.

      It sounds to me like there’s a conflict in expectations or communication styles about these arrangements in your situation. But ultimately, if you don’t enjoy their company enough to participate in family events, don’t go.

      But “I don’t enjoy being around my/your family enough to deal with a minor annoyance” is a different conversation than “my/your family are bad hosts.”

    10. Not All*

      It sounds like that family culture has evolved to have “hosting” mean “we provide the physical space for everyone to get together and the group jointly provides everything else”. As long as everyone is on board, I don’t really see an issue with it. My family did this for awhile when my house was both centrally located and the only one remotely large enough to hold everyone at the same time that I was pretty financially strapped. (Not because all my money was going to a house…it was actually a super affordable fixer upper). Everyone was happy with this (except possibly me because I’m a bit introverted & loathe a couple relatives)…it was still much more affordable than going to a neutral location for the same gathering. It sounds like the problem is more you’d rather spend more money to go to a neutral spot than just having family provide the space. Can you suggest that as an occasional option? But it may just be that everyone else is happy and considers it a fair trade.

    11. The Man, Becky Lynch*

      If they’re supposedly thinking this is how traditional hosted events work, then they’re completely wrong, that’s for sure! If you’re hosting a gathering, you shouldn’t be asking for contributions like that.

      However if it’s just a gathering, where you’re offering your home for movie night or a game night, then it’s totally cool to say “We’re going to get a couple platters of nibbles and soda!” and then others are free to bring their own contributions. I know that if I’m told that, I then grab a case of beer and some chips at Costco, etc. I don’t need to be instructed to do so, that’s just rude. Or a guest will often say “Hey can I bring anything?” and then it’s proper to respond either “no, that’s okay we want it lowkey” or you can say “If you want to bring more nibbles, that would be great.”

      For our BBQ, everyone knows we’re going to have all the BBQ food and the basic sides plus soda and beers. However of course the beers are limited, so most others are going to bring a six pack of their favorite to put in the cooler to share as well, etc. They’re not ever asked to do so or expected. You’ll also get people who ask what we need, then we can say ‘Can you bring a sweet, we’ve got so much salty sides, dessert is where we’re lacking!”

      But again, that’s a “gathering” and billed as such. A hosted event like a party celebrating our milestones or something, nope nope nope nope. That’s all on the host to provide for.

      You’re doing the right thing by not going to their events if you hate their style! You still care for them, you still love them, you don’t have to go to their events if they stress you our or you don’t enjoy their setup.

    12. Alex*

      It is a bit strange, but it seems to be just “how they do things.” Yes, it is a bit tacky in the realm of hospitality etiquette.

      This was the custom when I was very young–like, during college or just after–that if someone threw a party, people coming to the party would chip in some money to offset the costs. This was done because we were all students with no money and it was tough to absorb hosting costs for any individual. Once everyone got more grown up though, this wasn’t done anymore.

      But maybe your partner’s family isn’t in a position to really put up money to host, and this is how they manage to have get togethers?

    13. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      This does sound terrible — I wonder if they got burned in the past somehow. I know my mom is getting fed up with being the one person in the family to ever host anything, because the costs add up. For her to ever ask people to chip in money AND bring food though, that would never happen on her watch. So she just hosts less parties.

      I have been to some large dinner parties in Sweden where each person pays the host the split cost of the ingredients for the evening, but host prepares. Food can be very expensive there, and while it seemed a little strange to me, it was considered perfectly acceptable to everyone else. We all also showed up with the obligatory bag of chips and a bottle or two of something to share around. But that was all arranged beforehand and accepted, no one was dictated to like this crew above!

      I would stop going too and not even feel guilty about it.

      1. Koala dreams*

        Even in Sweden, this is usally for cooking together or if the ingredients are unusually expensive. And it would then be odd to assign the guests a dish to bring in addition to the money paid.

    14. New Bee*

      I have one particular couple among my in-laws who is like this, and I find it pretty annoying. I chalk it up to “cultural differences” (though they are the only people I know who do this) and the fact that my mom and grandma have ingrained in me unspoken hosting rules, foremost that you need to be upfront about the extent of your hosting (i.e., saying when you invite me that it’s 100% potluck is cool; inviting me to dinner at your house and sending me a Venmo request the next day is not).

      Our solution is to only invite them over (and we do actually host/provide) or meet up at restaurants and buy our own food. (I refuse to rely on other folks’ food when we have fundamentally different understandings of what proper seasoning is, but that’s another story.) Of course, that’s easy to do when you’re only talking about 2 other people–do you think you’re the only person in the group who feels this way?

    15. HannahS*

      This sounds odd to me. In my daily life, I encounter three modes of hosting:
      1) Host buys/makes everything, guests make a pro forma offer to bring something and are denied.
      3) Host makes/buys the main part of the meal, guests sign up to bring sides/salads/fruit/dessert.
      4) Host invites guests, everyone chips in five bucks to order pizza.

      All I can imagine is that they started out with point 4 and then kept doing it, forever, because everyone hates cooking, or something, and then expanded to more expensive food. My friends and I (students) will often go for scenario 3, because the host can make a cheap hearty main, like chili. Being invited somewhere and being asked to bring 10 bucks AND a specific food would bother me, because I have dietary restrictions and often the thing that I brought is what I can eat; I would be annoyed to chip in for a main that’s not what I want/can eat.

      I guess, to me, it’s the fact that they’re being so prescriptive. The bargain of hosting is that you, the host, pays and you get to choose the whole meal, or I pay (by buying food or making it) and I get to choose my part of the meal. “You pay but we choose the meal AND you buy food but we choose what” is a violation of that. Also, wow, $20 per person is ridiculous. What are they even buying that it costs that much?

    16. KL*

      Reading this, I think you’re looking at it wrong. You’re looking at these gatherings and thinking about hosting. I’m reading about it and thinking about cost. Maybe they have the space, and they want people to come around, but just don’t have the money. Sure it’s a little tacky, but they just wanna have a good time.
      Food aside, do you actually like these people? Do you have a good time with them? Or is there more things you don’t like about these gatherings, and the food is just on a long list of things you don’t like about them? If so, what if you… Just stopped going?
      I’ve been to parties that work like your expectations do, and I’ve been to ones that work like your partner’s family friends. I’ll suck it up play by their requests if I can afford it and am in good company.

      1. Loves Libraries*

        I agree that thiyis a strange way to get together. Seconding that you ask the tradition behind this.

  24. PX*

    Happy news: The Great British Sewing Bee is back on TV! For those who do not know, after the success of the Great British Bake Off, there were a whole slew of similar shows created. My favourite of those is Sewing Bee, which has had a fairly long hiatus – I managed to catch the last season which I think aired in 2017, but the new one just started on Tuesday.

    Its soft, calm and very gently competitive like GBBO, and more focused on sewing skills rather than design (I just finished binging last season of Project Runway All Stars, so the contrast is interesting). So if anyone wants something warm and comforting to watch – thats my top tip!

    1. Marzipan*

      I’m sad that they didn’t make more than two seasons of the Pottery Throw Down, which was in the same vein but with ceramics. And one of the judges was awesome because he was constantly being moved to tears by, like, a glaze, or a really nice teapot, or whatever.

      1. Marion Ravenwood*

        It might be on hold – I think it’s the same production company that makes Pottery Throwdown, GBBO and GBSB, and IIRC when GBBO moved to a rival channel there was a thing in the contract that said the BBC couldn’t make any of those programmes for a certain period of time. Hence why GBSB is back now after a break. So fingers crossed!

      2. PX*

        Oooh, I think I might have just missed this because it sounds familiar but I definitely never watched it. Might have a hunt when GBSB is over and see what the internets has to offer. It sounds lovely :)

      3. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

        My dad is a ceramist and adored pottery throwdown. He also sat and critiqued everyone’s technique. :)

        Didn’t they have to make a toilet in the second series?

    2. Ewesername*

      Oh Yay! I love that show. It takes awhile to air in Canada though, so will have to see if we can find it online.

      1. Lilith*

        I watched the pottery ones even tho I know nothing about clay etc. I just admire the skill. Didn’t like making one’s own toilet, tho. Dumb.
        I liked the Great knitting something or other but it was only subtitled for 2 years out of maybe 7?

      1. Dr. Anonymous*

        GBSB is not streaming in the US. It is possible to watch it with a VPN connected to a server in the UK. I’ve even tried to buy CDs when the previous seasons were on and for licensing reasons it just wasn’t possible, even when I was vacationing in the UK. There was an abortive attempt to produce a version in the US, but it didn’t get past the late auditioning stage.

      2. PX*

        Alas, its a BBC show so probably not. As Dr. Anonymous said, if you have some tech savvy though, or know where to look, there are generally unofficial sources…

    5. Stacia*

      I’ll definitely have to see if I can find it (on US TV). I am leaving in a week on a mission trip to teach machine sewing skills in Central America. I am so excited!!!

      1. PX*

        Your trip sounds amazing! I saw you post about it below, have a great time and please update us on it when you get back! Between this, Project Runway and a fabric design company I follow on instagram, I’m fascinated and curious as to what kind of amazing clothes could come out of giving more people access to ‘fashion’.

    6. Ron McDon*

      The first series is also currently being repeated on ‘Really’ on Thursday evenings!

      I am extremely clumsy and unable to do anything artistic or delicate with my hands, and really admire those that can, so I love watching these sorts of shows.

      I also enjoyed the pottery throwdown, but think low viewing figures were the reason it was not renewed for another series.

      I used to love ‘watercolour challenge’ back in the 90s (?), which I remember as being one of the first such gentle programmes where you would just watch someone do something artistic for an hour. I watch the big painting challenge when that’s on, but don’t like how they force painters to do something completely opposed to their normal style then tell them how rubbish what they’ve produced is!

      1. Lucy*

        Did you watch the programme on Sky last year which was a portrait challenge? They qualified with self-portraits then competed with five-hour portraits of interesting famous people. Different media and very different treatments. Fascinating.

        Google tells me it’s Portrait Artist of the Year and there will be a 2019 series.

      2. Chocolate Teapot*

        I have the books from the first 2 series of Sewing Bee, which are a combination of introduction to sewing techniques (e.g. what is a zip and how you attach it), and some of the projects made during the programme.

      3. PX*

        Oooh I will have a hunt for that!

        I’ve vaguely been taught how to sew, knit and crochet – but I’ve never really gotten into them. Strangely enough just this week I was wishing I had something I could do with my hands that would allow me to listen to a podcast in bed while still being productive so perhaps I might take up one of them again! But yes, I love seeing other people be creative.

        And as Lucy mentioned, Sky have Portrait Artist of the Year which I saw a clip of and also seemed like it would be fascinating to watch, so I will probably get on that too :)

    7. Lucy*

      “Very gently competitive” is right – in ep1 the high scorer is shown helping another competitor with a complicated, fiddly sleeve. You want to win, but you want everyone else to win as well.

      It is funny watching that as well as Project Runway because the pattern-matching on PR is generally terrible

      1. PX*

        Oooh see I feel like they always just skim over the pattern stuff on PR. For instance on GBSB I noticed they liked that Riccardo created his own pattern for the challenge, but as someone who doesnt sew – I’m like – is that really hard? Is it the equivalent of creating your own recipe? What kind of skills are involved? For PR if they are always creating their own patterns (I assume as the designs are always unique) – how can you tell the pattern matching is bad? (Is that when things dont fit properly?!) So many questions :D

        1. Lucy*

          Pattern matching is where you are using a patterned fabric and the pattern continues flawlessly across a seam. It’s monstrously difficult!

          As for pattern making, any garment has basic shapes like say a shirt has two front pieces, one back piece, two sleeves, a yoke, a collar, two cuffs. Creating your own pattern means building the garment from scratch on to the dress form or model, then deconstructing that prototype to work out what shape the individual parts need to be. Again, incredibly difficult. People spend literally years at college learning how to do this.

          It’s likely though that he meant he took the collar from this pattern and the pants from that pattern and the body from that pattern and the craftsmanship was in getting the pieces to join together. Still very difficult, but not reinventing the wheel at every step.

  25. Iron Chef Boyardee*

    If I may be so bold as to take the liberty: the following public service announcement is presented as a friendly reminder.

    For those of you who may not know, it IS okay to use the word “work” in the weekend thread. Euphemisms and allusions like “the ‘w’ word” and “the place we dare not mention” are not necessary.

    Alison herself has said so.

    It is my opinion that it’s also fine to mention your job in the weekend thread as long as it’s not the main focus of your post. For example, I’m sure this would be acceptable:

    “I like to read comics at my desk during lunch hour. Can anyone recommend a good bookstand that will allow me to have both hands free as I eat?”

    On the other hand, this would have to wait until Friday:

    “I like to read comics at my desk during lunch hour. However, my boss gets on my case about it because he thinks comics are for kids and adults shouldn’t be reading them at all. How can I politely tell him to leave me alone without getting fired for insubordination?”

    Comment as you see fit.

    3. Bow Belle*

      Removed. Do not be rude to other commenters here (the “I thought it’d be X” reference). And no, there are not mods, other than me. – Alison

      1. L’il Sebastian*

        Yep, this and what Anonerson said. There is nothing really wrong with these phrases. They bug you? Okay. Lots of people have certain words and phrases hang annoy them. That doesn’t mean they get to tell others to stop using them.

          1. Middle School Teacher*

            I’ve seen it. I can’t remember names but I have seen someone mention a thing that includes the word “work” but is not explicitly about work, and someone else comes along with their “gentle reminder” that this is the non-work thread and maybe repost next week and also their question might get deleted. It’s happened several times.

            1. Someone Else*

              I think that’s a bit different, although you may have seem examples I didn’t. I don’t think Alison has ever objected to users self-policing kindly when someone posts an obviously work-topic in the non-work thread. I’ve never seen someone tell someone to repost in the work thread just because they used the word “work” when it’s not the primary point of the post.
              On the flipside, I regularly see people avoid using the word “work”, then someone else says “what’s ‘the thing we cannot name’ mean?” and then someone else replies saying Alison has a rule about not using the word “work” on the weekend, and then Alison inevitably pops up clarifying “no there’s no rule against saying the word” and that’s about the content. So I think there’s ample evidence of confusion caused by people cutely avoiding saying “work”. I mean, I get it, if you’re avoiding it for your own reasons and to destress, OK fine, whatever. But when dozens of people use the same avoidance technique/phrasing it starts to seem like it’s required rather than all in good fun, especially when other people pop up saying it’s required when that is not the case.

              1. Middle School Teacher*

                But as I mentioned, they post about something not work-related but it includes the word. Eg. I have friends I met at work, I’d like to be more social with them on weekends, how can I do that? And someone polices them. It seems like some people see the word, miss the rest of the post, and just jumps in to comment.

                1. Ask a Manager* Post author

                  I’ve never actually seen that happen (which doesn’t mean it’s never happened; I don’t see everything) but I’ve seen a ton of the other scenario. Which is why my preference/request is for people to stop with the euphemisms!

    4. Anonerson*

      I’ve always enjoyed the euphemisms like “the place we dare not mention”, “that things we don’t talk about on weekends”, etc. It’s always seemed to me like a good-natured way of celebrating the weekend, enjoying the fact that, at least for those who work only on weekdays, any worries or stress about work can be set aside, if only temporarily. It’s like a self-enforcing stress-free zone.

      1. Iron Chef Boyardee*

        A valid point.

        If this were an in-person gathering where we could hear each others’ voices and tones and inflections, it might be obvious that a euphemism is being said in a lighthearted manner.

        If we could use emojis here, that would also help.

        But phrases like “the place we dare not mention”, combined with Alison’s deleting contextually inappropriate posts and replacing them with a reminder that this is the weekend thread, may cause newer readers to think any mention of work/employment, and even the mere use of the word in a non-vocational context, is forbidden (“I’m dating a woman who is perfect for me in every way except one: she’s a strict vegetarian and I love hamburgers and won’t give them up. Can this relationship work?”).

      3. Ask a Manager* Post author

        I get that, but the problem with it is that it makes other readers think there’s actually a rule against the word, and then they say things that reinforce that to others … and I’d rather people not think there are rules that don’t really exist here!

        1. Canadian Natasha*

          Oops, sorry and of course I just did it on another comment before I scrolled this far. In the future I’ll avoid the euphemism.

      4. Melody Pond*

        I’m with you (@Anonerson). I’ve always enjoyed the phrases like, “the place we do not speak of on weekends” even though I know it’s perfectly acceptable to use the word “work”. I find it goofy and fun, and like you said, a good-natured way of celebrating the weekend.

        And as for Alison’s concern about other readers thinking there’s a rule against the word “work”… hmm, that doesn’t seem like a huge worry to me. The actual content of the rules can always be very easily and quickly cleared up by, uh, consulting the link for the commenting rules. (If you haven’t consulted the actual source material for the rules, how can you possibly speak authoritatively about what you think the rules are? That type of thing always boggles my mind.)

        The ironic thing is that this whole line of thinking now makes me wonder whether Alison is considering implementing a rule against these euphemisms, out of concern that others will think a rule exists when there actually is no such rule… and now my head is spinning. Rule-ception? :)

        1. Sam Sepiol*

          You may like it but I hate it and often find it confusing, so personally I’d vote for the largest amount of clarity. Obviously your mileage varies!

          1. The Other Dawn*

            Same here. Just say “work.” That’s what it is. Just because it’s said, doesn’t meant the post is actually work-related.

    5. kneadmeseymour*

      You say that now, but you’ll come to regret this stance after you utter the word-that-shall-not-be-named and a horde of Microwaved Fish Eaters descend upon your home and TPS report you into oblivion.

    6. eleanor rigby*

      Thank you for saying this! Sometimes, if a poster has been particularly creative about *not* mentioning the work word, it takes me a little while to figure it out what exactly they mean…

  26. annakarina1*

    I feel happy that I’ve been so much busier in the past couple of months with social stuff. My habits are to be a homebody outside of work, with kickboxing and trivia as two of my social interests, but I’ve been pushing myself more lately to be more social and busy. So recently I’ve been out on dates, went to a Super Bowl party, a Lunar New Year dinner, two industry events, a book club meeting, a storytelling show, two of a friend’s show performances, etc. It feels like an interesting change to be much more social and not just cocooned in my own world outside of work.

    1. PX*

      Nice! I tend to have periods of more social-ness and then less, and I’m definitely in the latter at the moment. I’ve had very few plans the last few months and…am probably not quite ready to be social again for a while. Basically I’m still hibernating, but I can definitely feel that now that the days are getting slightly longer, I can see myself wanting to get social again on the horizon.

  27. Marzipan*

    Thanks to everyone for the kind words last week. This round of donor egg IVF is now officially another failure (as opposed to last weekend when it was only unofficially a failure). Feeling pretty rough now I’ve stopped the meds and my hormones are hastily adjusting back to normal.

    (Two weeks ago when I went for my embryo transfer I had some time to kill before my appointment, so I walked all the way round a sort of wharf/lake thing nearby. I keep having weird memories of it, almost flashbacks. It feels as though what I’m supposed to be doing with my weekends is going for embryo transfer. It’s just weird and incomprehensible not to be doing that. Like, why can’t I just keep going back every weekend, until it works?)

    I am currently coping by frantically planning next steps. WTF appointment with my clinic. Second opinion from another clinic. Looking into options for donor embryos in Europe. At some point I need to stop and actually think things through properly. But not just yet.

    1. dawbs*

      I”m sorry.
      ANd thinking later is an appropriate response, sometimes not stopping to think and just pattering ahead on the treadmill, knowing you’ll jump off soon is a way to be.
      But I”m sorry. ANd hormones make it harder.

    3. Ivy F.*

      So sorry to hear that. I had multiple failed cycles and I can remember how it dominates your life and your thoughts.
      Best of luck with your next steps and take care of yourself.

    6. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      Sending hug. Thought I did so earlier but do not see it… my heartfelt warmest thoughts.

  28. Twisted Knickers*

    My sister and I are thinking of taking a short trip to St. Augustine, Florida in March. We’re wondering if we might run into lots of “spring breakers” there, or if it’s not a real popular place for college students. Appreciate any advice…thanks!

    1. StellaBella*

      Can you verify with a few local hotels on dates of spring break there in town? it may span 2+ weeks depending on timing, and you may run into them. I just did a google for st augustine spring break and got over 3 million hits on the phrase including ‘top 10 reasons to go for spring break’ lists …. so … call a few places and ask but yeah it may be that you do. But if you go to more upscale places maybe not?

    3. M&Ms fix lots of Problems*

      Having grown up just outside of Daytona Beach, St Augustine was not normally very busy in March, but I haven’t lived in the region for 14 years. I will second calling a few hotels, but will also add check for a visitors office, when I left they were talking about setting up a visitors office for Old St Augustine.

  29. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

    My BIL/gf are dropping by today. I have coffee on hand to offer them (if they’re hungry, frozen bakeable fries). What easy recipes do you use when folks drop by on short notice?

    1. Not A Manager*

      I have a brownie recipe that I bake in an 8×8 pan. It makes about nine brownies, which looks pretty on a plate with some powdered sugar on top, but it’s not a HUGE batch of treats. They also freeze well, so whatever’s left I pop in the freezer. The recipe takes 10 minutes to mix up and about 20 minutes to bake, and I try to serve them warm but not hot.

      People love it, and I almost always have the ingredients on hand. If you’d like the recipe, I’ll post it.

        1. Not A Manager*

          Oooh, I love sharing recipes. This is an adaptation of a recipe by Craig Claiborne.

          4 oz. unsweetened chocolate
          1/3 cup unsalted butter
          2 eggs
          1 cup sugar
          scant 1/2 cup all purpose flour
          1/2 cup chopped nuts, optional
          1 teaspoon vanilla extract
          1/4 tsp. salt (omit if you’re using salted butter)

          Preheat oven to 350° F. Grease an 8×8″ pan. (If you need to, line the bottom with parchment paper and grease the paper. My pan is fairly non-stick, so I don’t bother.)

          Melt chocolate and butter together over low heat, or on half power in microwave. Let cool slightly. Beat eggs and sugar together. I do this using a whisk and a large bowl. You are supposed to do it until they are “fluffy,” but I just do it until I’m sick of it. If you use the standing mixer, then beat for about 3 minutes until they are light and fluffy. Combine the egg mixture with the chocolate mixture.

          If you are using nuts, scoop about 2 tablespoons of the flour into the nuts and toss to coat the nuts. Add the flour to the chocolate mixture and use a rubber spatula to combine. Add the optional nuts, vanilla and salt. Stir just until combined.

          Spread the batter in the pan, even the top with a rubber spatula, and bang the pan gently on the counter a few times to eliminate any air bubbles. Bake in the middle of the oven for 18-25 minutes until the brownies shrink slightly from the sides of the pan, and a toothpick or skewer inserted into the center comes out with only a few moist crumbs on it. Do not over-bake.

          Cool in the pan on a cooling rack for at least 15 minutes. Serve garnished with sifted confectioners sugar.

          ** If you’re making this as a dessert for guests, you can prep all your ingredients, melt the chocolate, and even beat the eggs and sugar in advance. It’s very easy then to combine the ingredients and bake the brownies in time for them to be warm for dessert.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Peanut butter chocolate chip cookies. (As a bonus, they’re also gluten free.) whiz together a cup of PB, a cup of sugar and an egg, mix in a handful of chocolate chips, wad them up and bake for 10 minutes at 350.

      I also pretty regularly have frozen preportioned cookie dough in my freezer of other varieties. Right now I think I have lemon, Bailey’s mint chip, and butterscotch brickle? Also usually brownie mix in my pantry.

      1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

        This is what my mom does re: cookie dough in freezer. She also keeps mini-loaves of banana, lemon, etc because they are fairly close to cake and can be thawed and glazed ahead of guests.Its not a lot of food, but its a nice nibble and they look adorable sliced up.

    3. WellRed*

      Chips and salsa, crackers and cheese. Or wine in the evening. I don’t want to cook while I have guests.

      1. Little Bean*

        Haha, I went through a very brief phase where I thought I would keep fancy cheese and nice crackers and good wine in the house in case of surprise guests. Turns out that fiance and I will eat/drink anything delicious within a day or two, far sooner than any surprise guests can arrive…

    4. Marzipan*

      Scones are quick, good as an afternoon tea-y thing, made from stuff you probably have (flour, butter, milk, maybe a bit of jam to serve with them), and best when they’re really fresh anyway. Go scones!

      1. Pippa*

        Yes! Mary Berry’s scones recipe is great, and if you’re at all comfortable with baking, they’re done and on your plate in about 20 minutes.

    5. Autumnheart*

      I have a few pasta recipes that take about 20-30 minutes to make, but I almost always have some kind of cookie or cake handy. (This does terrible things to my diet, but it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make. j/k)

      If I had someone say they were coming by in an hour, I would probably dash to the grocery store and pick up a little cheese tray and some crackers.

    6. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      My mom’s go to is pepper jelly plus Brie with crackers although pepper jelly plus cream cheese works too.

    7. Parenthetically*

      Cream scones are super quick to throw together, and you can buy shelf-stable cream at TJ’s to keep on hand. If you keep bisquick around, you can put together all manner of baked goods in no time. For savory things, hummus is quick and simple to make from pantry ingredients, and we always have crackers and veggies around.

    8. Loopy*

      It’s not really a recipe but I always have some sort of produce+cheese+hummus I can arrange into a nice platter. The cheese helps it not be the dreaded veggie tray and I always have fruits to go with the veggies. Not dissing veggie trays, I just always hear people groan about them at potlucks as a cop out/lame.

      It looks nice if I arrange it on the right platter with a little care and really is no effort cooking wise. Sometimes I’ll put grape tomatoes and mozz. cheese on toothpicks and some balsamic in a little dippings cups or drizzle it over them if I’m feeling fancy. Most things on toothpicks add some minor level of fancy.

      1. Lucy*

        If you put balsamic into an almost-empty pesto jar, replace the lid and shake, you get a divine and authentic Caprese dressing for your mozz/tom skewers. It’s a party staple now and always disappears fast.

        1. Loopy*

          This sounds amazing… I wish I used pesto more often though I’m sure I can use a very small amount put in another container and do the same!

    9. Kuododi*

      I will take a block of cream cheese, wrap it until fully covered with crescent rolls dough. Then, I brush the outside of this cream cheese/dough creation with an egg wash, sprinkle the top with a little season salt and whatever dry herbs/spices which happen to be on hand. Bake in the oven at 375 degrees for 8-10 minutes. (I have to tinker with the bake time and temp as my stove has “issues.”
      The goal is for the crust to be lightly browned and cheese to be warm and softened. ) Serve warm with crackers (no particular type of cracker. Whatever you have available.). Makes a gooey warm spread and is delightful.

      In writing this, it occurs to me that one might be able to use phyllo dough or some other type of refrigerator roll out pastry dough. Worth it to play around with the idea. Enjoy!!!

  30. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

    I posted a while back about beloved doggie having kidney disease and congestive heart failure. She was my “keep walking” lifeline, through the difficult time in the last few months after my husband died.
    I had to bid her a temporary farewell at the rainbow bridge yesterday morning. She simply could not go on the way she was (things had gone significantly downhill).
    I thank the person(s) here who had posted about “better a day too early than a day too late.” I didn’t quite keep the balance (had a long long night with her to get into the vet yesterday), but I held onto that saying as it was so helpful.
    Just so quiet here now. I am glad mom is here staying with me (so the house is not completely empty). It deeply affected her as well – both of us spent hours cleaning yesterday (our family dysfunctional coping mechanism). Better, a friend had us over to watch “Pride and Prejudice” with tea and fresh shortbread cookies to end the day. It helped.

    1. Sammie*

      I am so sorry for your loss – both of them. I am glad your mother and you have each other right now. I would find the sudden emptyness of a house very hard to bear as well.

    2. Little Bean*

      I’m so sorry about your doggie. Pride and Prejudice with tea and fresh shortbread cookies sounds delightful!

    3. Bye Academia*

      I’m so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you took wonderful care of her. It’s always awful to say goodbye to pets, even though we are meant to outlive them.

    4. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I’m so sorry for your loss. I said goodbye to my 22 year old cat in October for similar reasons, and the “better a day too early than a day too late” really helped me to make peace with the decision. I hope your happy memories of your beloved dog comfort you during this difficult time.

    5. Autumnheart*

      I read a similar thing when I had to put my cat to sleep several years ago, and I thought it was helpful as well.

      I’m sorry about your dog. No matter how much time they spend with us, it’s never long enough.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      The hubby then the dog. This so sucks, I am so very sorry. It’s hard not to shake the fist at the sky and say, “OK, that’s ENOUGH!!” Shake your fist at the sky if that helps. It’s okay to be angry and weepy. I remember saying, “here, honey, CATCH! and picturing my dog finding my husband waiting for him.

      This is the dog that wagged at an empty room. Perhaps the room was not empty.

      My dog lasted a while after my husband died. He was The Dog of my life. We bonded so hard, he was always with me. Then one day his body was just too worn out.

      Well, I talked to various friends about random things. It did not take long and I concluded, dogs are not like husbands. I can run out tomorrow and get another dog. [This was a good move for me.]
      I prayed/threw it out to the universe that I find a new pup that did not remind me of my old dog. [This was NOT a good move for me.]

      I brought home this adorable pup. [Gosh I was so naive.] I ended up with a Husky pup who was smarter than me. I have never had such a clever animal. And his on switch was on 24/7, he never stopped. I googled to try to figure out how best to help this pup. I fell into a blog where a guy was talking about huskies. He said, “Huskies and wolves are not dogs.” And so my new little guy became my Not Dog.

      Not Dog just turned 10. He has changed my life and changed my days entirely. Because he is so clever, he has sharpened me. I have learned so much with him.
      I thought I would never “get over” Dog of My Life. And that was true. I probably never will.
      But it is also true that I love Not Dog for a whole bunch of different reasons. Each dog seems to serve in its own way and somehow that service can be just what we need for our current chapter in life. Those we love pass on, but our ability to love remains. My suggestion here is your next step might be to figure out what you might like to do with your ability to love. There are all different ways of sharing love.

      1. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

        thank you… all of you… this is super helpful. It sucks, it really does. I knew she was going to go sometime in the not too distant future, but she went very quickly despite my every effort (and major vet bills) to try to keep her here and healthy. It was just too much for her.

    7. Another academic librarian*

      I’m so sorry. When I let my sweet dog go last year, I mentally framed it as, not gone, just gone ahead.

    9. cat socks*

      I’m so sorry for your loss. Went through this a week ago with my kitty. I’ve found it does help having some distractions. It is tough adjusting to the house being different.

  31. Anonymouse for this*

    Hi
    Has anyone tried the type of dna tests that are supposed to provide genetic based diet info? A flyer was sent round at work but when I googled it there are mixed reviews about the tests. Also because I live abroad the company that does the testing here charges at least double what they would if I was in the UK or US.
    Thanks

    1. catsaway*

      I would take the results of any commercial based DNA test with a huge grain of salt. (Even for ancestry, especially if you’re not of European ancestry and especially for disease risk or presence/absence of mutations related to diseases) I don’t know about any tests claiming to provide genetic based diet info but as someone who has heard many talks from scientists who study human genetics and human complex diseases I don’t think there’s anything that could be called genetic based diet info that’s better than an educated guess (unless you are already diagnosed with a disease, in which case you’re probably already talking with a medical professional about your care).

      1. SignalLost*

        An entire pillar of salt, actually. DNA appears to be both mosaic and chimeric. I have firsthand knowledge of two sets of siblings (one identical twins) who don’t have similar DNA. There’s a known situation where a man who was definitively the father of his child (conceived through IVF) genetically has an uncle relationship (the story is amazing). Women are known to have male cells in their body post having sons; they probably also get alien DNA from daughters, but we can’t spot it yet.

        We don’t know enough to make commercial DNA tests worth doodly.

    2. Lily Evans*

      You’d be much better off spending that money on meeting with a nutritionist to come up with a diet that works well for you since there doesn’t seem to be much strong proof about the accuracy of diet recommendations for those tests.

      2. Nye*

        Agreed. If you have a genetic disorder or other health issue requiring a special diet, you’d likely already know. Commercial genetic testing is interesting for lots of reasons, but specific dietary suggestions aren’t really one of them. (Like that bogus blood type diet, I’d be very sceptical of anyone shilling a genetics-based diet.)

        I say this as a biologist who did 23andMe nearly 10 years ago, when they could still give you all sorts of medical info. It was fascinating and I got some genuinely useful health info (I’m a carrier for a serious recessive disorder), but it’s not a prescription for how to live your life.

    3. Anonymouse for this*

      Thanks for the responses – yes my initial reaction was this would be a waste of money. I already have appt with dietician next week – I thought this might be a way to supplement that.

    4. WS*

      Some commercial genetic tests are worthwhile – the one that analyses the ways you process particular medications was useful for me in looking for way to prevent migraines, for example. But the science just isn’t there yet on the genes & nutrition ones in a useful way for someone who isn’t suffering particular major health issues.

  32. Scrumtrillescent*

    Hi,

    I am going to write this as fast as I can because the writing of this post is giving me terrible anxiety.

    Last March, there was a knowledge swap thread and I shared tips and tricks for being a single parent of 5 kids with very little money. Some people emailed me at that time and asked if they could help us out financially. I had just started a new job and told them things were fine right then.

    Well, my van is now rapidly dying. I probably have to replace it this weekend. I was hoping to at least make it until we get our tax return (which is somehow only 10% of what it usually is, so all of my plans were terrible) but it is probably going to die, like cracked engine die, well, really at any time. Theres an environmental program in my state where I can get $3k for the dying van but only if it drives to the dealership under its own power. So, my timeline is really, really small.

    Anyway, my friends started a Go Fund me for the car purchase. I don’t remember all the people who emailed but I thought I’d come here and say that if people still wanted to help, we are in pretty dire need of help at this point.

    I am bad at asking for help so I am going to post this and flee and maybe never come back. Heh. But you can email me if you’d like. Thank you.

    https://www.gofundme.com/guvgsc-jessica-needs-our-help?sharetype=teams&member=1704056&rcid=r01-155033474437-dccb270009c64b5c&pc=ot_co_campmgmt_m

    1. Christy*

      Please don’t feel bad or blame yourself for your unexpectedly low tax return. The Treasury Department specifically decreased withholding in 2018 following the Tax Cuts and Jobs Act so that (1) people would see more money in their paychecks and be happy they had more money (a big political win, in theory) and (2) so that withholding was closer to tax owed, since that’s better for the tax system as a whole since it’s less to administer.

      This year, lots of people owe more taxes, but even more people have a lower or the same tax burden as in past years, but because their withholding was lowered, their refunds are lower. It’s theoretically good because you’re not giving an interest-free loan to the government (and the government has ten years to collect a tax debt but you only have three years to collect a tax refund) but since so many people use taxes as forced savings, it means people are often saving less.

      So! Please know that your tax refund is lower by the government’s design this year, and that it’s very very much not your fault. I’ll be thinking of you and your family.

    2. Ruffingit*

      Please know that you’re in a place so many have been in. I get the anxiety about asking for help, but were it not for the help of others at various times in my life, I don’t know where I’d be. There are seasons to life – sometimes we’re in a season of giving and sometimes we’re in the season of receiving. This is your season of receiving. Just wanted you to know there’s no shame in asking for help. It’s actually a gift to others to let them help us. It allows them to feel those positive feelings that come with giving to others.

      HANG IN THERE!

    4. Red Sky*

      I remember you’re post last year and was really impressed. I also know what it’s like to find yourself one financial emergency away from complete and utter disaster. Late to donating, but hope it helps.

  33. StarHunter*

    Book writing thread: I know a bunch of you here write books and short stories on the side. I am recently retired with some time on my hands and would like to try writing a book. I wrote a lot for work, but I know book writing is totally different, especially fiction. I’ve been trying to read more recommended fiction as most of my reading is non fiction/science fiction. Can anyone recommend any online resources or books about how to write books? What’s your process – outline? go with the flow? Do you sketch out your characters? Etc. (PS – I have no illusions of grandeur about being a published author unless I publish it myself. Same reason why I have a travel blog – just like sharing my adventures.) TIA!

    1. Marzipan*

      Google ‘Couch to 80k’ for a podcast that’s basically a writing boot camp with daily exercises to help you get in the swing of it and find what works for you.

    2. Foreign Octopus*

      I can’t recommend any websites as I’ve been sort of trial by error but my process is as follows:

      1. Daydream: I know that sounds silly but I like to lie in bed or sit somewhere comfortable and just daydream about the story I want to write. A lot of what actually ends up in the first draft comes from this daydreaming session.

      2. Story outline: I write a story outline chapter by chapter i.e. chapter one: Vernon Dursely goes to work and notices something strange is happening. There’s a cat outside his house that is suspiciously intelligent. He wonders if something has happened to his wife’s family (Etc.) I do that for each chapter until I’ve told myself the story in paragraphs.

      3. Write the first draft: this is where I just sit and write by following the chapter outline although I find that once I start writing, I deviate but that doesn’t matter because words are going on the page and that is the only thing I care about at this point. Words. On. Page.

      3a. Dialogue first: I always write the dialogue first because it’s easier to get through and it moves the story on quicker than getting stuck in the minutiae of what colour the leaves on the trees are.

      3b. Chapter review: at the end of each chapter, before moving onto the next, I go back and fill in the description but not so detailed that I get bogged down in it. That’s for letter.

      4. Rest period: once I finish a manuscript, I let it rest for about a month before I come back to it with fresh eyes.

      Unfortunately, I can’t tell you what I do next because I haven’t got to this stage but this is just how I do it. Everyone is different and unique.

      I do recommend going onto YouTube though and searching for Neil Gaiman and Stephen King. They are both very generous with their advice and it’s a good place to start.

    3. kneadmeseymour*

      I like the podcast “Writing Excuses” although it can be a little repetitive (and rather white-dude-centric at times). Often the guests have some interesting insights, though, and Mary Robinette Kowal is very wise. I also liked Stephen King’s “On Writing” although I don’t always agree with his advice–it’s an interesting read, though. I’m enjoying Neil Gaiman’s MasterClass course, although so far none of the advice has really jumped out at me as new and exciting. I just like to hear him talk.

      As someone who struggled to make the jump from non-fiction into fiction, I want to back up that age-old wisdom that it’s helpful to start with short fiction to get used to those elements of creative writing that don’t come up in other contexts–developing your plot, characters, pacing, tension and so on. You’ll learn a lot more from finishing 5 short stories than from writing the first chapter of 5 novels.

      1. Claire*

        I will gently disagree with the comment that it’s helpful to start with short fiction. Some writers don’t find short stories easier or faster to writer. And no, the pacing and plot and other elements are VERY different from novels to short stories.

        If it works for you, great. But it’s not for everyone.

    4. Lilysparrow*

      I find the Snowflake Method (easily googleable) extremely helpful. As was the book Wired for Story.

      I do a lot of “pre-writing” of scene snippets, dialogue, and some descriptions, until I know what the story is about and what the tone is like. Then I outline, then fill in scenes from notes to full narrative. I need the outline because I write out of order.

      Some people are “pantsers,” who can drop into narrative flow quickly and move forward through the story without knowing what happens next. I am amazed by that and think it’s very cool, but the only times I’ve tried it I got a complete mess of gobbledygook that took three times as long to rewrite and edit.

      Jump in and give it a try! You will soon discover whether plotting or pantsing works better for you.

    5. Claire*

      A really great (free) online resource is Absolute Write. Link: https://www.absolutewrite.com/forums

      It has forums and subforums for everything about writing and publishing. Short stories, poetry, novels, screenplays, agents, and so on. This can seem daunting at first, but you can dip your toes into a few forums and ignore all the rest. Once you have 50 posts, you can get feedback on your writing too.

    6. StarHunter*

      Thanks for the replies. There’s so much info out there and it’s helpful to get recommendations.

      1. Khlovia*

        Take this advice cautiously: Find a really good writers’ group. I advise caution because it can be strictly a matter of luck whether you latch onto a good one or find yourself mired in a bad one. As a noob, you might not be able to tell right away. A couple of red flags to watch out for: (1) A group wherein one person is the only published author, and it is the function of the other members to be his fan club, and the only advice he gives boils down to “Be exactly like me, wonderful me.” And (2) it’s a mutual admiration society populated entirely by amateurs; nobody provides any actual crit because they’re afraid of receiving it.

        1. Claire*

          Truth. I’ve been lucky with my beta readers and my critique groups, but you do need to watch out for those red flags. And do be careful about critique groups that get targeted by scam/vanity publishers.

        2. MissDisplaced*

          I would say there’s actually a third type of writing groupie: the ones that offer critique to the point of making your story “their” story.
          This often starts with a valid critique of maybe a small part of your story (“Consider making character X was male and not female?”) but escalates to “What if Character X has a special power and lives in New York and the city is overrun with giant spiders, etc., etc.”
          It’s so annoying.

          1. Khlovia*

            Yep. We’ve currently got a difficult-to-train noob who keeps trying to deal himself in as co-author. “And then you could have him do [this] and she reacts like [that] and you could introduce a new character who is [noob avatar Gary Stu]….” Weeks of observing how the rest of us crit do not seem to have made an impression.

    7. only acting normal*

      This used to be a paid course (1st year undergrad), but is now free:
      https://www.open.edu/openlearn/history-the-arts/start-writing-fiction-characters-and-stories/content-section-overview?active-tab=description-tab

      The course book for the 2nd year undergrad course is excellent – “Creative Writing” by Linda Anderson (aka the big red book). The course itself is £££ these days, was only ££ when I did it!
      The 3rd year book is also available but I didn’t find it as useful: “A Creative Writing Handbook” by Bill Greenwell

    8. Lilysparrow*

      By the way, indie publishing is a very viable business model these days, particularly for genre fiction series that don’t command big advances or much marketing budget from legacy houses. “Publishing it yourself” isn’t failure – it could work out better economically, if you like wearing multiple hats.

      I know of a number of “hybrid” authors who were originally published by traditional houses, and have gone indie on their new books because they make more money that way.

      1. Claire*

        Legacy publishers?

        If you mean trade publishers, whether small press or medium or the Big Five, they are still around. Though yes, self-publishing and hybrid publishing are great options.

    9. Coder von Frankenstein*

      The hardest thing about writing is that you have to write. A lot. A typical novel is ~100K words (though that can vary a lot by genre). It takes a long time to write that many words, and the initial inspiration that fires you to start the book is never enough to carry you through to the end. There is always a point in the middle where it becomes a slog. You’ll need to set a schedule for yourself and stick to it; “X words/day” is pretty common, but it can be anything, as long as it keeps you coming back to make progress.

      As for the rest, it’s very specific to the individual writer. I used to write with no outline at all, just seeing where the story took me. I’ve started doing outlines, because I find it helps to have something to remind me “Oh, yeah, this is where I was going with this scene.” The outline is very loose, though, and always mutating as I come up with new ideas or run into unforeseen issues. I deal with characters much the same way; a quick sketch at the start, then fill in the details as I go.

      One question: If most of the fiction you read is science fiction, why aren’t you writing science fiction? I would never want to write in a genre that I didn’t enjoy reading. Writing is too much work to do it if you’re neither getting paid nor having fun.

    10. Elizabeth West*

      Everything Coder von Frankenstein said! A whole book can be intimidating, but you’re basically writing it one word at a time. That’s very doable. :)

      I can’t pants it. I start with notes—lots and lots and lots of notes. I jot down everything I’m thinking about the book. Characters, settings, time periods, etc. Sometimes, in the notes, I’ll end up writing a snippet or two or even a whole scene. I try really hard to think about the characters most of all–everything hinges on them and their actions and reactions.

      Next would be an outline, very roughly divided into chapters or scenes. Then I just start putting down what happens.

      I don’t always start at the beginning I set, either. Sometimes it’s easier to start on something I want to write and skip around and save the most fun stuff to write last (that gets me through the slog in the middle). It depends on the project. You can smooth everything out in editing. I wrote Tunerville that way, but I wrote Book 2 straight through. Also, sometimes you’ll find that the story really needs to start further along than you think.

      I write on computer, since it makes editing and moving stuff around easier. I like Atomic Scribbler a lot–you can export into Word, and you can move scenes around by themselves and reorder everything. It’s free from Bad Wolf Software. I’m not a shill; I just really like their stuff.

      The number one thing to remember is this: your first draft will suck. It will ABSOLUTELY SUCK. And that’s okay. Writing is rewriting, and editing, and polishing. First drafts are just for getting the thing down on *paper* and out of your head.

      It also may not go the exact way you pictured or outlined, and that’s okay too–you’ll kind of know if you’re getting way off track. You can always backtrack, cut stuff, or rewrite it. Sometimes the story will take over and go its own way and that can be fun.

      Chuck Wendig’s Damn Fine Story is a great writing book. It’s a bit irreverent and he uses a lot of curse words, but he’s very funny and gives great practical advice. He also has a blog, Terrible Minds, where he talks a lot about writing and other things. (He also invented a sandwich that is amazeballs, haha.)

  34. kneadmeseymour*

    I finally started an instagram account for my sourdough starter named Audrey II, which I’ve been meaning to do for ages. Since my building doesn’t allow pets this is the best I can do for a pet instagram.

    Although this may be my weirdest project to date, I’ve really been having a good time with it so far. Although it’s kind of hard to explain what I’m doing when someone catches me taking photos of a jar of sourdough starter at the beach…

    If anyone’s interested, my handle here is the same as my instagram handle! https://www.instagram.com/kneadmeseymour/

      1. kneadmeseymour*

        Thank you! We have already made many beautiful breads together, but I think she’s appreciating the chance to get out more. I’ve already bought her a mini inner tube for the summer.

      1. kneadmeseymour*

        Nice! You should get Igor an account, and it can be friends with Audrey II. They seem like they would have similar interests. Audrey doesn’t have any sourdough friends her own age :( Just her many spawn.

        1. Katefish*

          My husband and I follow dogs on Instagram. I recommend Dean the Bassett and Fluffy Chelsea, but the adorable dogs are legion. And we both love sourdough.

      1. kneadmeseymour*

        Thank you!! If you’re wondering how my sourdough starter came to be called Audrey II, I’m not sure I have any good answer for that. Just a product of my twisted brain.

  35. Two Dog Night*

    Cambria, CA is one of my favorite places to visit–we always stay in one of the little inns on the ocean and have wine on the balcony at sunset, and it’s only half an hour from some terrific wineries in the Paso Robles area. And it’s an easy drive up to Hearst Castle and the sea lions.

    Other suggestions: We’ve stayed at a ranch in southwestern Montana twice, and that’s a gorgeous area. It’s in the mountains, but they’re not as high as the Rockies, so it’s a little easier to be active for those of us who don’t live at altitude.

    Edinburgh, Scotland is my absolute favorite place to visit. I’ve been there four times now, including twice over Christmas, and I’ve loved it every time. It’s a great city to hang out in, and you can easily take day trips by train (e.g. to Stirling, which is totally worth seeing). You could also take a train up to Inverness to see the Highlands, but I’ve found it easier to rent a car and drive.

  36. Earthwalker*

    A vent about Real ID and heads-up for anyone who hasn’t heard about it yet. It’s a new ID that will be needed to pass the TSA gate at the airport for people who don’t use a passport. Regular drivers license won’t be acceptable soon. I didn’t know about it until I happened to hear a loudspeaker announcement at the DMV that time was running out. I went right away to the driver’s license counter to get my license upgraded to a Real ID “star card.” “Do you have your papers?” What? “Current passport, original social security card, and two recent proofs of residency.” My passport wasn’t current. “That’s okay, bring your birth certificate and all your marriage licenses showing change of name along with your social and utility bills.” My old state had withheld my marriage license (long story). I filled out forms to update my almost-too-old passport (new photos) and beg the court yet again for that marriage cert (notarized signature.) Got the marriage cert at last, yay! Went back to DMV with it, birth cert, social, and bills. Now they’re okay with …part of my name. When I married 30+ years ago, I debated whether to use middle name, maiden name, husband’s name, hyphenated … women restyled their married names in so many ways, no right or wrong. Yes right or wrong, and I had guessed wrong. “Go to Social Security to get papers.” My social security number is matched to both my maiden and married names. Problem solved, right? But no, she took my social security card and was ready to rip it up and rename me on the spot. Wait! Stop! So off to the courthouse. Now I have a court date to “change my name” to what’s on my social security card, driver’s license, bank account, passport, and every legal document I’ve signed for decades. Off to the newspaper to run a legal notice about my “name change.” All those forms, fees, errands, hours waiting for my number to be called to the counter! All this for a normal American born, once-married woman to prove to the DMV that I am who they have always said I was. If you haven’t heard about Real ID, don’t wait to check into your state’s requirements and deadline. It might be easy or it might not.

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I had to go back to the BMV six times to get mine sorted out, though two of those were due to computer systems being down. The last time I went in, it took two managers to authorize. In my case, it was because I went from Firstname OldMarriedName to Firstname Maidenname-NewMarried and they weren’t sure if the paper trail was sufficient :-P but it’s done now.

    2. WellRed*

      Never married but tjis sort of thing drives me crazy! Yes. Women may have name changes. Get over it! I suspect it’s worse under the current administration.

      1. That Girl From Quinn's House*

        I don’t think this has anything to do with the current administration. Driver’s Licenses are issued by the individual states DMVs, and passports are issued by the federal government, the US State Department. She had no problem renewing her passport, but the DL was the issue, so the issue was at the state level.

        1. Earthwalker*

          Real ID is a federal mandate that followed 9/11 (pre-Trump, as you say) and that is implemented on a state by state basis. Your state has to provide enough vetting of your Real ID license to satisfy federal requirements for picture ID at federal checkpoints, like TSA. A Real ID license is optional. If you only want it to drive and not to use as picture ID at federal checkpoints, state DMV still offers a fuss-free regular license, and you can fly with a passport or not at all. Strangely, the DMV (state) and Social Security (federal) insist that they can no longer accept the name on my license and social security card, but the passport agency is not (so far) balking at renewing a passport with that name. I’d expect that someone will eventually notice that mismatch and put the same document requirements in front of passport renewal.

          1. fposte*

            My state doesn’t provide a non-real ID option at this point; I suspect that’s a state by state call.

        2. WellRed*

          I realize the mandate pre dates trump. I was thinking more of the overzealousness described, but realize that was unclear.

    3. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

      I feel your pain…I moved just after getting married with a name change. Even with all the right documents, they got so confused with my 2 middle names and that I moved back to someplace I used to live under a different last name that I spent 5 hours at the DMV (2 consecutive Saturdays). Not. Fun.

    4. Bye Academia*

      Ugh, the Real ID was a nightmare for me too. I’ve never changed my name, and they still hassled me about the documents I brought because they didn’t exactly match whatever format they had in mind. I’m like…you said a bank statement was okay! This is what my bank statements look like! Take it up with my bank!!

      Luckily the DMV worker approved it in the end, but she made me feel like she was doing me a gigantic favor accepting the proofs of residency that were listed on their website.

      1. M&Ms fix lots of Problems*

        Ughhhh, don’t get me started on UT and their games with regards to RealID. I moved here from AL via CO, and I’d never had so much trouble getting a liscense. UT actually tried to declare my marriage liscense from FL invalid because it didn’t look like theirs…….
        Took me four trips and ten hours and a threat to not transfer my liscense from CO (which was valid for another four years) to a manager for them to finally accept my marriage liscense. In the end I had to show them: birth certificate, SS card, passport, marriage liscense, apartment lease, two pay stubs, a bank statement, and my liscense from Colorado.
        Then I had to do a drivers test…….

    5. Splash*

      I currently live with my parents so I don’t have any utility bills. Would something like health insurance bills or cell phone bills suffice? (Though I pay both online so I’m not sure if I could get a copy.)

      1. Lilith*

        Some of us get bills online. Does this RealID only affect women? I haven’t read enough about it I guess.

        1. Splash*

          It affects everyone (all genders). It sounds like it’s more of a hassle if you’ve had any name changes (which I guess is probably most common with women if they change their last name after they get married).

        2. CAA*

          RealID is for everyone, but since men are much less likely to change their names it’s a whole lot easier for them to get one.

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Our utilities are all in my name, but my husband was able to use his W2, bank statement, credit card statement, car insurance declaration page, and I think voter registration? As proofs of address. (He didn’t need them all, but after my hassle, he took extra documentation just in case, and of course had no problems at all. :P )

      3. The Man, Becky Lynch*

        Your online billing still has your address on them. You can print them off and take them in, that’s enough. A credit card statement works too, they suggest utility bill in passing only because it’s an easy one to rattle off.

        1. Someone Else*

          And because your name is unlikely to be on the utility bill of a place where you don’t live, but it’s true generally any bill with your name an address can/will be accepted as proof of residency if it’s recent enough.

    6. Rebecca*

      It’s a giant pain. I am opting out by just having a passport (PA allows us to do this) as I don’t want to go through yet another round of nonsense. It’s especially burdensome for women. And the documents have to be just so, originals, raised seals, certified copies, etc. Everything has to match. All to get on a plane or enter a federal building, like we have been doing for decades.

      1. CAA*

        I’m also just planning to use my passport for domestic flights after Real ID goes into effect for Californians in October 2020.

        1. blaise zamboni*

          Me too. I’ve never had a passport before now, but my current license expires at the end of May, and my DMV is booked up until the end of May, so I’d have ~2 days grace period to make sure my Real ID paperwork went through or risk not having an active valid license. So I’m getting a passport because that’s somehow less hassle.

      2. Autumnheart*

        Same here. I have both the passport booklet and the ID card. I’ll just have to make a point of renewing in plenty of time.

      4. Earthwalker*

        I thought about that. Barring bureaucratic snafus my renewed passport with my right name – the one DMV and Social no longer accept – is on its way. But I worried about when the government would decide that they never vetted my passport name well enough and demand a Real ID. So I’m getting the whole thing ironed out now.

    7. The Cosmic Avenger*

      I’m very sympathetic with the trouble your DMV put you through, but the REAL ID act passed in 2005, and implementation started in 2013, so states have had plenty of warning and it sounds like your state DMV hasn’t been putting out the word the way ours has. They also sound like they’re just not very helpful in general.

      1. Lilith*

        I’m a widow & I still have a couple of bills that come snail mail under my husband’s name. Should I change them to my name? They are cable & electric.

        1. I'm A Little Teapot*

          I would, but that’s generally a good idea. Comcast cable hassles my mom sometimes because it’s my dad’s name on the account, and they’re both alive and still married.

          And sorry for your loss.

        2. Widow, too*

          I would recommend you change the electric bill to your own name. I finally did it after about 10 yearns because (1) I wanted to get a rebate for buying energy efficient washer and dryer and (2) it only took a phone call. I haven’t changed the cable bill because I am worried that my unscrupulous cable company will hit me with a “new subscriber” fee just for changing the name.

      2. fposte*

        I think what’s happened is that the state extensions are running out. My state’s extension runs out this year and they only just got a plan out last year.

        However, I’m wondering about the differences. My state is doing central issuance–the licenses are mailed to you in about 3 weeks after application so they have time to do fraud checks–and I see no indication of extra paperwork required. You bring in your old DL, you get a temporary paper one, and eventually you get your fancy new one.

        1. CandyCorn*

          Are you in IL? That’s how it seems to work here. My mom in IN had to take a bunch of paperwork in for hers though.

          1. fposte*

            Yes! And I just checked the IN site for comparison and saw that they require all those docs. Is it possible our state has for once managed to do things better than others? I’ll need some time to absorb that notion.

            1. CandyCorn*

              And…….no. I did some research last night, and we (IL) are not yet 100% compliant with REAL ID. Which means they’re not even issuing REAL ID licenses yet. It seems like it was supposed to start in January, but there is nothing about it at all on the SOS website. I thought that since we had switched to central processing that meant REAL ID but it doesn’t. It’s just a step in the right direction. When they do start issuing, we will have to present the same boatload of information as everyone else.

              1. fposte*

                Oof. Well, I guess that makes more sense, and it also explains why Illinois hasn’t been doing much messaging on this. Thanks for checking and reporting back.

      3. Rebecca*

        PA had passed a law in 2012 preventing PennDOT from issuing Real ID! “Until May 2017, Pennsylvania law prohibited PennDOT from complying with the federal REAL ID Act. Act 3 of 2017 repealed this prior legislation and allowed PennDOT to seek REAL ID compliance.”

        And the DMV site says it’s optional, so OK, if you don’t plan to fly anywhere, fine, but what happens if you get called for Federal Jury Duty, at a federal building? Will they let you in?

    8. lapgiraffe*

      I had the opposite experience, dare I say best trip to the RMV I’ve had in my life other than maybe that beautiful day on my 16th birthday when I received FREEDOM! But in all seriousness, perhaps because I live in state that will not allow you to renew anything if you have a $15 parking ticket in a nowhere town at the other side of the state or an outstanding $3 toll (yes, both real examples), I approach anything to do with my car with the utmost in research and prep and the expectation that THIS WILL SUCK. Yet with Real ID I was pleasantly surprised! I was able to start my application online, with drop down menus listing all the various types of verification documentation allowed and pick which ones I plan to bring. I had a little folder with all the things, I gave them to the clerk, she typed and scanned documents for maybe three minutes total, eye exam, picture, then pay. The whole process didn’t even take ten minutes. I don’t know that every state is going to have that online pre-check option, but it’s worth looking into and there is tons of info online to figure out requirements beforehand.

    9. Someone Else*

      Just quick clarification. (I’m not unsympathetic to what a pain this has been for you, but to anyone out there who might be reading and freaking out)
      If you have a renewable passport, ie it expired less than 5 years ago, and your driver’s license or other state ID is not Real ID, a valid passport is. Renew your passport, ASAP. Especially if you meet the criteria to renew it by mail.
      If you have a valid passport, A) you can fly with that, regardless of what kind of driver’s license you have B)having a valid passport makes it much easier to get a Real ID DL later.

      This whole process will inevitably be more difficult for anyone who has had name changes in the past, be it due to marrirage, divorce, adoption or just because you felt like it. But if you’ve always had the same name, and have a passport that can be renewed, this will probably not be a giant headache.

    12. California Real ID*

      I spent 9+ hours at my local California DMV in July renewing my expiring driver’s license and switching to a Real ID. My old license and social security card had firstname+middlename+lastname. My passport had firstname+maidenname+lastname. Other required documents were had one or the other or no middle name at all. The clerk that entered my name for the Real ID put it in however I wanted. I opted to match my passport.

      I understand that the US Government has issues with the lackadaisical way California is issuing their Real IDs. I hope mine is considered to be valid.

      Of course, they took my photo for the ID at the end of my 9+ hour ordeal. It looks like a police booking photo.

      1. M&Ms fix lots of Problems*

        I have an uncle who is a police officer – he said all ID photos are generally mug shots because that’s what you are going to look like when the police officers gets it after pulling you over.
        He was a school resource officer, then a night shift officer, and had the sense of humor to be expected from dealing with teenagers all day long.

  37. Laura H.*

    Binged all of season 2 of The Dragon Prince… I kinda wish that Netflix would break up seasons into smaller releases- more than the typical 1/ week tv format, but not dropping the whole season at once…

    Season was pretty good tho.

    1. Asenath*

      I didn’t like it quite as much as the first season, and then there was that cliffhanger! How long am I supposed to wait for Season 3??

  38. coffee cup*

    I was supposed to be going out with my friend tonight, and her friends whom I haven’t met yet, but I have a thing going on ‘down below’ that is really uncomfortable and bothering me. I feel such a flake cancelling, because she’s a really good friend and (to be honest) I don’t want to miss out (I have an innate, though mostly quelled, fear of people having a great time without me and getting to know each other better when I’m not there). But I have to sit in the car to get to work and then all day at my desk, so I think I need time this weekend to let things calm down.

    How do I stop beating myself up about something that isn’t my fault? I already told my friend and she’s fine with it. But I always feel terribly guilty when something like this happens, in a way that’s often out of proportion to what’s happened.

    1. Splash*

      I feel guilty about things I shouldn’t feel guilty about too. :/

      Would it make you feel better to think about how if your friend had been the one to cancel plans, you’d be fine with it too and wouldn’t expect them to feel guilty? Why should you feel guilty about things you wouldn’t expect other people to feel guilty about?

      Hope your other problem clears up fast!

    3. Autumnheart*

      Would you give your friend a break if she had to cancel due to TMI issues? I bet you would. I would follow up in another week or so with an offer to get together again.

      1. coffee cup*

        Totally. And she knows that. I see her every day at work and we always catch up, so I can chat with her on Monday. I just have pointless guilt.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Feel the feeling? This looks like saying to yourself or out loud, “Yes, I feel guilt” or “yeah I feel fear”. These things are feelings not actions. It’s not a crime to have feelings. Cry, punch a pillow, etc if that helps, too.

      Feelings grow exponentially when we deny or smoother those feelings. Drag it out into the light of day and acknowledge the feelings.

      You know it’s one type of problem if others ignore our feelings. It’s a much bigger problem when we ourselves ignore or deny our feelings. While your friend is probably very concerned about you, you might be so busy beating yourself up that you don’t notice her concern. Deal with your own feelings first (and your physical discomfort) and on a better day check in with your friend.

    5. Ron McDon*

      If the cause of your discomfort is a spot or swelling at the *ahem* base of your spine please do go to see your doctor. I had that once, mentioned to my boss that I didn’t want to walk far for lunch as it was painful and she told me her sister had a similar thing and ended up having it surgically removed.

      As did I… cue 6 weeks off work with a huge hole in my back.

      Google pilonidal sinus – but some of the images are a bit gross!

      Apologies if this isn’t relevant for you, but lots of people haven’t heard about this, so whenever someone mentions discomfort and sitting my antenna goes up!

  39. Splash*

    Has anyone ever gotten a rash on their hands or wrists? If so, did you figure out what it was from?

    I got a small rash on the back of both hands and part of my wrist recently. The only new product I’ve used that I can think of is a new body wash. I switched to my old body wash for two weeks and used Cortizone 10 to clear up the rash, then tried the new body wash again and the rash started coming back. It’s weird that it’s just a small patch on the back of my hands and wrists instead of all over my body though. I’m wondering if the rash is from something else and came back because I stopped using the Cortizone 10.

    1. WellRed*

      My first inclination is to say don’t look for zebras ; ) However, given it’s your hands, seems like it could be anything from dish detergent to new soap in the dispenser at work to irritation from a sleeve. Is it winter where you are? That could be a factor, even if nothing else has changed.

      1. Splash*

        It is winter where I live. My hands can get dried out, flaky and cracked if I don’t use lotion enough. The rash is more so just a slight welt with a lot of small bumps, and it’s itchy.

        I usually use a store brand hand soap from my local grocery store, but grabbed a bottle of store brand hand soap from Walmart recently a few weeks ago. I’ve gotten the soap from Walmart before, but I think the one I got before was clear, whereas this one has a pink color to it, so maybe it’s a different formula?

    2. Asenath*

      I used to, many years ago. Once, a doctor said I was allergic to dish detergent – my mother (I was a teenager living at home then) commented that she didn’t believe it because I so rarely washed dishes! It went away, and it, or something like it, recurred years later. That doctor said it was due to skin irritation caused by the cold damp climate and wearing damp mittens. Then, it too went away – I think I had cream and also tried to keep my hands warm and dry. That doesn’t seem helpful, I know, but if you’re getting the rash when you use the new bodywash, try stopping both the bodywash and the Cortizone 10 for a while. Or see a doctor.

      1. Splash*

        I haven’t changed dish detergents. I hope I haven’t developed an allergy to it.

        I saw a dermatologist for something totally unrelated and showed them the rash while I was there. They said it’s contact dermatitis and to use the Cortizone 10.

        I actually got a new pair of winter gloves this year, but I’ve only worn them two or three times. Can’t remember if wearing them coincides with the rash so I have to pay attention if I wear them again.

        Good idea to stop the bodywash and the Cortizone 10 (after it clears up again) for a while and see what happens. Need to make it like a controlled experiment.

      2. Lilysparrow*

        I once had a mystery rash, mostly on my hands, that got worse when I was driving or out in the sun. It was intensely itchy red bumps that would sometimes turn into tiny, painless water blisters. It drove me crazy for months, and my doctor shrugged.

        It went away when I moved and had a few lifestyle changes. After researching, I believe I had mild photosensitivity from either a) Depo-Provera, b) toxic levels of mold in the constantly damp, ill-maintained rental house I was living in, c) high levels of stress, or d) some interaction between them all.

        I always wore sunscreen on my face and in my makeup. Not necessarily on my hands.

    3. Koala dreams*

      I always get very dry hands in the winter. I get rashes more often on my watch hand, so I’m trying not wearing the watch every day. Also, I use hand cream to get my hands in better shape as often as I remember. If you do hand wash the dishes, I recommend getting gloves, or trying a different brand if you already use gloves.

    4. Sylvan*

      What does the rash look like? Painful, itchy, or both? Does the skin crack or split?

      I’m totally not a medical expert and shouldn’t give medical advice, but I wanted to ask because I recognize the location. That’s exactly where my skin itches, hurts, and cracks if I wash my hands too much, especially if I use hot water.

    5. CAA*

      Any kind of skin product I’m allergic to shows up on the insides of my wrists even if I’ve used it on my whole hands or other parts of my body as well. I don’t know why that skin is more sensitive on me, but it is. (Truth be told, I don’t use unknown soap in public restrooms any more, just rinse and rub then Purell after drying.)

    7. LCL*

      It’s just on your hands and wrists because we wash those parts more often, so the natural protective oils are stripped off them. Cheap mystery soap is fun to buy and try, but my experience is that in general it is more dermatitis inducing. I think there are a few people that make soap that read this blog, maybe one of them could explain why the cheap stuff is more irritating.

    8. only acting normal*

      The backs of my hands are like canaries in the coal mine of my skin allergies.
      It’s probably the new body wash if nothing else you use has changed.

    9. Wishing You Well*

      Go to the doctor. You might need a prescription. There’s psoriasis, hand and mouth disease, hives, etc. You can’t keep using cortisone indefinitely. Please go find out what you have. I’m hoping there’s a simple answer and cure.

    10. Anonnnnnnn*

      Given the issue is on the back of your hands, this is probably not it, but it’s not uncommon for some folks to be allergic to the plastic that is most commonly used in computer mice. If your job (or just life in general) involves lots of using a mouse, or even if you recently increased the amount of usage significantly, and the rash were primarily on the parts of your hand that touches the mouse, it may be worth ruling that out as the source.

    11. Ron McDon*

      It sounds similar to my eczema, but I get it on the sides of my fingers and soles of my feet. It seems to flare up when I’m stressed.

      Might be worth talking to a dermatologist?

      1. Elizabeth West*

        That’s what it sounded like to me. I have eczema on my hands also and certain body wash products aggravate it.

    12. Marion Ravenwood*

      I’v had that a few times before. I’ve usually chalked it up to a change of shower gel/body wash/detergent.

  40. Jessen*

    Whelp, a 13-day migraine pretty well derailed whatever organizational plans I’ve had. It’s hard to tell yourself to keep going, especially when so many different things just seem to pop up. Still feel like my new methods have been having some success, although it’s taking a bit of work to adapt things. Studio apartments are an organizational challenge, and there are a few things that I definitely need but don’t have a place for, especially if I don’t need them very often.

    1. Foreign Octopus*

      A 13-day migraine?!

      I’m so sorry. That sounds hideous. I hope you’re feeling better now.

      1. Jessen*

        Definitely. Getting frustrated with medical care though. It seems impossible to get any sort of coordinated care. So if I’m experiencing headaches, ear pain/stuffiness, and upset stomach, I get sent to three different specialists to patch up each symptom. But there’s nowhere to go that’ll look at what’s going on overall.

  41. Athousandeyesandone*

    Was looking back at a relationship that ended a couple of months ago and was wondering if a 2 day hotel stay for a second in person meeting is weird for a long distance relationship. Some background is that we met on World of Warcraft, found out that we were 2 hours away from each other. We decided to date and he wanted to be exclusive pretty quickly. He decided to move to a bigger city 7 hours away from me out of the blue, though his reasons were decent. We still hadn’t met in person at that point though he kept saying he wanted to see me, but wasn’t taking any of the opportunities available to see me. I ended up organizing a lunch and movie date at a town in between our areas before he moved and he seemed to like it. After he moved, he started saying that he loved me, which was a bit much for me. I said I liked him but I felt that I didn’t know him enough to love him yet. He then got busy so we stopped talking as much, though he said he wanted to stay at a hotel with me in the future. A month later he books the hotel in a coastal tourist town that he wanted to go to. I was unsure about going but ended up doing it. I felt it went ok, but then 2 weeks later he breaks up with me, he says because he wanted to see me more but the distance was too far and also because it was expensive to see me, even though he would only let me pay for one dinner.

    1. Autumnheart*

      I think the whole string of events was weird, and that you dodged a bullet. His decision-making leaves a lot to be desired. He moved away, then he loves you, thenhe’s too busy to talk to you, then he expects you to show up at a hotel somewhere, then he breaks up with you because you cost too much? Guy sounds nuts.

      2. Athousandeyesandone*

        Thanks, I needed to hear that! At first I dismissed some of my feelings because he was kinda socially awkward and I kind of understand that since I have asperger’s syndrome and social anxiety, but as time went on things didn’t really make sense. He was doing all this but then telling his friends and his family about me, so I don’t know.

        1. valentine*

          He was stringing you along. Your feelings aren’t less important and there’s no objective way to be kind or coupled. I wouldn’t stay anywhere with someone without a successful relationship summit, basically, to know we were on the same page and path. But how do you feel about it? You don’t have to go along with neurotypicals and feel free to resist anyone who dismisses your feelings, tramples your boundaries, or tries to gaslight or guilt you with claims that what they want is “normal” or that most people would agree with them.

          Find someone who wants to help you get what you want, delights in knowing you, and looks forward to interacting with you.

    2. Not All*

      well, as a serious MMORPG player since vanilla WoW who has seen a LOT of people “fall in love” online, I can say that it very very rarely works out. It’s so, so easy to have the mental image of a person & feel like you know them well from talking every day, but in person everything from appearance (even if you’ve exchanged photos) to mannerisms is totally different. Plus there is the reality of brushing teeth, taking out trash, whatever. We’re playing a fantasy and we can all be whatever we want to be. Plus, some people have just have sexy voices (ahem, my raid leader!) but no personal compatibility in real life.

      (I might be a little biased since I got a divorce this summer after my now-ex decided he was in love with someone he met in game. I’ve heard their relationship didn’t last past the first in-person meeting either. His sister also nearly tanked her marriage over someone she met in-game…her husband did the math & decided staying married was cheaper than the divorce, poor guy.)

      1. Athousandeyesandone*

        That’s true, I kind of think that he liked the fantasy of me though I try to not mislead people. Other people might not do that. I’m sorry you went through that with your ex, that sounded rough.

      2. HEA*

        I met my husband online through a shared interest (not gaming!) quite by accident. Neither of us was looking for a relationship that way. I’m from North America he’s from Europe. I moved to him, we moved in together right away, we got married a year later and it’s 10 years married this summer. We were ‘together’ online for like 2 years while I saved the money to move though. I think you need to be careful but it very much depends on how honest the person is being about themselves offline.

    3. Lilysparrow*

      If you were both super-enthusiastic about the hotel stay with zero reservations, then it’s not weird. Some people would find that too soon, others not. If it was too soon FOR YOU, then it was too soon, period.

      FWIW, I think your instinct about wanting to know him better is completely wise and sensible, and you should listen to yourself because you seem to give yourself excellent advice.

      The weird part is that he seems to have pressured you into things you didn’t really want to do. He seems to have had no problem turning you down for other meetups that didn’t suit him. But you didn’t feel secure about turning this down, even though you weren’t entirely happy about it.

      That’s not a healthy dynamic at all.

      It sounds very retro Dear Abby, but it’s true: if someone really loves you, they are willing to wait until you are ready for more intimacy. When the words “I love you” are used to pressure or persuade you into going against your own feelings or better judgement, that’s not love. That’s manipulation.

      Having been in somewhat parallel situations before, my guess is that he broke up with you because he was looking for a fantasy encounter completely separate from his real life, and you wanted to treat it like a real relationship between real people. And if so, you definitely dodged a bullet.

    4. Christy*

      The red flags here, as I see them:

      He wanted to be exclusive before you’d ever met in person. And it sounds like he wanted to move way faster than you on that.

      He wanted to be exclusive but didn’t take available opportunities to meet you.

      You’d met in person once and he moved away and then started saying I love you, again, earlier than you were ready for it.

      All three of these are like, walk-away items. If your goal is to be in an in-person relationship, then don’t stay with someone who is specifically avoiding seeing you in person. (I mean, if you want an exclusively-online relationship, that’s fine, but it doesn’t sound like that’s what you wanted.) And if your boyfriend (any boyfriend) wants to move way faster than you want to, then he’s probably not a good match for you.

      1. Athousandeyesandone*

        Yeah was definitely not dealing with it in the best way. I was struggling with my self confidence previously and have trouble making friends, so I think that was why I stayed. Started seeing a therapist so hopefully that will help me figure out things.

  42. Myrin*

    You probably will be hearing less from me in the next two to three weeks – we’ll be moving into our new flat on Thursday! However, official moving-in date is on 1st March, so in the week inbetween, we’ll have time to really deep-clean and tidy up the old flat (and hope our soon-to-be-former landlady won’t literally crouch on the floors with a magnifying glass to find scratches – she’s totally the type to do that). We’re excited!

  43. Myrin*

    In other news, after three days of being on the phone all the time with people regarding moving our telephone and internet connection to the new place, I finally got ahold of an absolutely amazing and extremely competent young lady today and she sorted everything out.

    (The problem was that the house we’re moving to has stood vacant for three years before our future landlords bought it in 2014. And since then, they’ve naturally only used one… port, I guess (this is really awkward for me to say in English, please bear with me), because they’re only one household and only need one line. So the other cables/phone lines exist (so it’s not like the street would have to be dug up to put new cables into place) but have been barren and unused for seven years. I’d assumed from the beginning that a technician would have to come by to re-connect the cables and check up on everything so that we could have an internet connection, too. It turns out that that’s exactly what has to happen but somehow none of the people I talked to on the phone over the last couple of days had any idea about that. (One of the reasons I’m not a huge fan of these big service call centre type thingies – the people are always infallibly polite and friendly but of course they don’t have as intimate of knowledge of the subject matter as an actual electrician working for the cable company.) But in any case, it finally got sorted out today and a technician will be calling me on Tuesday at the latest to discuss our next steps, set a timetable, etc. I hope everything will be going smoothly, then!
    Also, I totally gushed about the lady on the phone and she got very flustered, the way you do when you’re surprisingly flattered. I’ve long made it a point to explicitly name when I’m very satisfied with an exchange and you could totally tell that I made her day with my honest thanks. She really deserved it, though!)

  44. Red Lipstick and a Book*

    My 30th birthday is this year and my grandma would like to buy me something that I will wear for a very long time. I adore her and am so grateful she’s still around and in a position to offer me a gift. I’d like to give her suggestions but I barely wear any jewellery so I’m looking for recommendations.
    I like watches, my style is classic with a little bit of boho chic. I have ordered vintage watches from Etsy that I really liked so that’s one option. I don’t know where to start looking online. Do you have any suggestions for brands? (I’m in Europe but happy to see all ideas.)
    I know this is a very happy ‘problem’ to have and I really want to find something that I wouldn’t buy for myself but would love to have as a gift from gran.
    Happy weekend, everyone!

    2. Koala dreams*

      The Citizen eco-drive watches are very nice. Some of them have more of jewellery feel, but they have very nice classical watches too.

    3. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      I’m probably old school, but I have “one” good set of pearls (got it for grad school graduation gift) and they have proven to be a treasure – 25+ years of special occasion and “Dressing up” the slightly casual as needed. When they are a family gift, they are an extra treasure. And it is not something you’d ever get yourself.
      For college graduation, I got a very nice watch (at the time) and recently discovered that it (not a rolex, not in my family) is basically dying and beyond redemption… so YMMV. Had it been a Cartier tank or other super classic watch, I’d be okay but my tastes weren’t that refined (or parents’ budget that strong) at the time.
      For future, if she does want to continue in this vein, think if she offers you something of hers that you can wear and treasure. My mom has shared with me a few great pieces of costume jewelry from Gran (solid classics). I don’t wear them often but mix them in and lovingly wear them when possible.

      1. That Girl From Quinn's House*

        If you like pearls but want something less classic, how about a string of black pearls? They’re gorgeous but a little different.

      1. Marion Ravenwood*

        Seconding the bag. I got given an incredibly generous amount of money from various relatives for my 30th birthday, and spent it on a Kate Spade Sam (not a super-fancy bag I know, but I like classic styles that go with everything and am a big fan of their stuff). It’s now my everyday bag for work, as well as a ‘posh’ bag for weddings/nice dinners out etc and I like the fact that I’m using my birthday gift almost all the time rather than it just gathering dust, which is what tends to happen with posh jewellery I’ve been given. But YMMV.

        If you’re set on the watch, I second Olivia Burton and would also look at Daniel Wellington depending on budget. Kate Spade (yes I know) have some really nice classic but quirky watches too. I have a Storm watch my husband bought me a few years ago which I love, but they’re quite a modern, ‘chunky’ style so may not be your thing.

        Also, if there’s nothing you like at the moment, would it be worth seeing if your grandmother would either give you the money she’d have spent on the watch or to put it aside for you until you see something you do? That way you don’t have to feel pressured to get something immediately and can shop around a little bit beforehand.

        1. OyHiOh*

          I also went with the Kate Spade bag, with leather wallet as well. Years later, its still my favorite bag – simple, classic, good color that goes with nearly everything but is still a color other than brown/black, enough pockets but not too many pockets.

    6. Shirazee*

      Personally I’d go with a classic piece, like pearls (as someone else mentioned). Even if you rarely wear jewelry and don’t dress up a lot, a string of pearls and the LBD will be all you need on those occasions when you do!

    7. Kuododi*

      I saw you aren’t a big jewelry person. Your post reminded me of my darling grandmother (rest her soul). She was a proper well-mannered Southern lady and believed that “young ladies” should have one pair of diamond earrings. She bought my sister and I each a classic pair of diamond solitaire earrings as a high school graduation gift. They have been absolutely wonderful when I needed to dress up an outfit for a special occasion. (I too am not a hard core jewelry wearer.). Your grandma sounds like an absolute treasure! Best wishes.

    8. Red Lipstick and a Book*

      Thank you everyone for the wonderful ideas and also the nice wishes.
      And yes, my gran is a treasure, may she be with us for a long time.

  45. Asenath*

    I’m more of a cat person myself, but I’ve started watching dog videos on Youtube – one of my sisters is very fond of dogs. There’s a great one of a bulldog doing agility – google something like “bulldog agility” or “Rudy the Bulldog” to see it. I’ve never been a big fan of bulldogs (sorry, bulldog fanciers, I think they’re ugly), but that one is cute. And fast. He’s much better than the mastiffs doing agility that you can also find online. Another, older video, featuring a retriever doing a much simpler course can be found by googling “Hilarious Golden Retriever Really Wants To Race But.. First Things First.”.

    I’ve found another way to waste time online!

      1. anonymouse for this*

        Oh for an edit button – make that the golden retriever video – but reminds me of my friend’s lab who cannot pass by a bowl of food – even when there is a cat eating from it. It never ends well for him.

  46. Myrin*

    Oh, and in yet other news, I’ll probably need to have my gallbladder removed.

    Warning for medical discussion ahead if you don’t wanna read anything of that kind!

    I’ve had flatulence almost every evening for about a month now without really thinking much about it – I’ve always been kind of gassy, even though the frequency has never been quite like that. However, my mum took a look at the small bump I had in my stomach the day before yesterday and almost had a spontaneous aneurysm because she thought it might be a hernia. She urged me to go to the doctor immediately and well, I did so yesterday morning.

    The doctor was bewildered. She did an ultrasound and thought it was some kind of cyst, but she couldn’t determine which organ it could possibly belong to. Then she moved the ultrasound just right and found out that… well, the “cyst” was actually the upper part of my gallbladder, which is not only very enlarged (i. e. the bump I felt) but also in the completely wrong spot in my body; that’s why she didn’t even think of gallbladder before, because she hadn’t exptected to see it there. She fetched her coworker, who used to be surgeon, and she confirmed that it’s indeed the gallbladder (with two stones, yay). They then fetched their boss (my primary care physician) whose eyebrows almost left his face so astounded was he by my misplaced gallbladder.

    They’ve determined that while mysterious, this isn’t a case where immediate action absolutely has to be taken – the stones are small and not in the way and all the organs are healthy, there’s no inflammation or suspicious masses or anything anywhere. I need to come in on Tuesday for a blood test to see if there’s some kind of backlog of fluid which causes the enlargement, but other than that, I need to have a gastro-specialised surgeon have a look at it. They say I can have it taken out but at the moment I don’t have to but man, I’ve absolutely already decided that it needs to go.

    Now of course all of this happens during the two weeks in the last decase where we moves flats. The doctors said I can do the move without problems but afterwards, I should make the appointment with a surgeon at the hospital, and I’ll absolutely make sure to get it done as soon as our old flat’s keys are in our lanlady’s hands. I have an exciting few weeks ahead of me, folks!

    1. Not So NewReader*

      I am sorry to hear about the uncomfortable gall bladder but I am glad they found what it was.
      It’s interesting about the GB being in the wrong spot. A long time ago I met someone who was mirror image on the inside. Everything that was supposed to be on the right was on the left and visa versa. (There is a scientific term for this.) He was totally fine healthwise, just mirror image built. He had a medic alert for it.

      1. Myrin*

        Oh yeah, I’ve heard of this phenomenon – it’s called “mirror twin” in German (because apparently it’s something that identical twins can have, where one is “right” and the other is “reverse”) but IDK about the English scientific term.

        It’s super strange and I’m curious to see if the gastro surgeon is going to have any insights; I’ve had ultrasounds and even xrays of my stomach done before and I’m quite sure at least one of them would’ve noticed if the gallbladder had been in the wrong spot, so I’m guessing there was something to cause this. I do think I had a colic sometime last year and… no one realised what it was? My mum had one when I was little and the way she (and others on the net) describe it, it matches my experience (I really thought I was going to die, for example) but it happened during the night and I was fine the next day and then somehow… forgot about it, apparently; I honestly feel like my brain tried to block it out or something. I only remembered yesterday when I actively thought about it. So maybe something happened there?

        In any case, “I am sorry to hear about the uncomfortable gall bladder but I am glad they found what it was.” is exactly how I feel – I hope it’ll keep going for two more weeks and then I’ll be able to get it taken care of.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Oh wow. I thought it was rare but maybe not.

          It was in the 70s maybe a bit earlier that Friend went to the doctor and had to have xrays. He knew something was up because he could hear them saying to each other, “Hey, Bob, come here, look at this!” Then seconds later, “Hey Joe, check this out.” Finally his doc came in and explained that he was reversed, he was fine but reversed. The doc was careful to explain that Friend would always have to inform medical providers.

          I think it was a situation like this, where they were looking for x organ and found it on the opposite side, so they did a larger xray and were able to see every thing was mirror image.

      3. AliceBD*

        There’s a Lord Peter Wimsy short story and one of the characters (victim? suspect? It’s been a decade+ so I can’t remember) has it, which is where I learned about it.

    2. Surrogate Tongue Pop*

      I’m sorry to hear your gallbladder migrated to an undisclosed location and is giving you troubles! I had mine out in late 2017. You can temper your symptoms now until surgery by eating a “gallbladder safe diet” and perhaps using a gas relief medication (in the US, something similar to Gas X). I waited 6 weeks from ultimate diagnosis until surgery due to some things I had going on and the fact that my surgeon was going on holiday. It was fine as long as I was careful to eat things that wouldn’t cause symptoms and take the medication to give some relief to the symptoms. Don’t be alarmed if there is a bit of a wait to remove it, unless it’s about to burst open from stones or you have a stone stuck in one of the bile ducts, it’s not an emergency and you can do the things you NEED to do before the removal. Best wishes from the US!

      1. Myrin*

        Thanks so much for the well-wishes!
        That’s basically exactly what the doctors said. I’m already being very careful with eating right now (small portions, gallbladder-friendly, …) and it’s working well right now; still gassy, but nobody’s exploded yet, it’s definitely manageable. We’ll see what else this has in store for me.

    3. zaracat*

      I’d be a little cautious about doing any heavy lifting too soon after the procedure, even if it is keyhole surgery – it’s possible to develop a hernia in the spot where the largest “port” site is (the one used for the camera and also where the gallbladder is pulled out from after it’s dissected free.) But light packing/unpacking should be fine.

    4. Cherry Sours*

      Ah, the joys of gallbladder surgery! I had been sick with what appeared to be a stomach bug for 2 1/2 days before I had any pain worth mentioning, and eventually called my nurse practitioner for an appointment the following morning. In the next hour the pain increased so much I drove myself to the hospital. Even backed into a parking spot so I would not have to turn around and look behind me when I drove myself home, lol. Little did I know…
      Had fun in the e.r., where I was diagnosed with an inflamed gallbladder. I was a bit surprised, since I’d never had issues with it before, but they pumped me full of pain meds and antibiotics. The next morning I had surgery, and afterwards was told by my surgeon that I won the “gangrenous gallbladder of the day award”. See, always a silver lining! lol
      Remained in the hospital for a few days due to bladder issues, but recovered at home with no serious problems. Hope your recovery is as easy.

  47. Complete gaming n00b*

    I’m approaching 30 and I haven’t played video games since a Pokemon binge in 5th grade. I stopped because I was getting distracted from homework. I never went back, and now realize that I threw the baby out with the bathwater and missed out on something that’s genuinely fun.

    I’ve been watching a lot of YouTube game reviews (mostly hbomberguy and Jim %&$#ing Sterling, Son), and now I really wanna get in. Problem is I don’t know where to start.

    What sorts of beginners’ games would you suggest for someone with a Windows PC?

    1. Autumnheart*

      Well, the games I play are The Sims 3 and Civilization–I started with Civ 5, which was pretty easy to learn, and branched out to Civ: Beyond Earth and Civ 6 (less easy to learn, I’m still figuring it out).

      It really depends on what kind of games you like. I like these because I really like simulation games, and because you can stop the game and pick it up later without detriment.

      Not to be a shill, but Steam is selling a bundle right now where you get the complete editions of Civ 3, Civ 4, Civ 5, and Civ: Beyond Earth (and expansion pack) for $37.65. That’s a pretty great deal.

    2. Where’s my coffee?*

      Stardew Valley for an engaging but peaceful time. Kentucky Route Zero for a novel-sequel journey. World of Warcraft if you like goofing off with others while killing mobs.

      1. BugSwallowersAnonymous*

        + to Stardew Valley! I also loved, loved Undertale, if you like story-based role playing games. Undertale is also kind of an homage to Pokemon in its art style and gameplay.

        1. Jasnah*

          I agree with starting with Stardew Valley and Undertale. I also recommend the unfortunately-named “walking simulator” genre–this will get you navigating in a 3D environment without any combat. My faves are the Stanley Parable, Edith Finch, and Firewatch.

      3. Kristen*

        Yes, Stardew Valley is great! There’s so much to it too. You’ll need to have the wiki page open to read about various aspects of the game while you play.

    3. Myrin*

      What types of games do you like/are you looking for? A relaxing, farming-kind of game? A realistic-looking FPS? A platformer? A rhythm game? Something casual, often with user-made levels? Something story-driven? RPGs? Something puzzle-y?
      I’m asking so you can answer here for us to suggest something, but also because when you’ve thought about this more, you can easily search for these tags on Steam.

    4. Yams*

      If you are in position to get a switch why don’t you play let’s go Pikachu/eevee? They are pretty fun, easy to learn and the switch has a ton of cool games. Do you have an idea of what you’d like?

      1. Jasnah*

        I agree with this, very easy to pick up and play. Just enough nostalgia for former pokemon players too.

    5. Dr. KMnO4*

      I second Stardew Valley. I would also suggest Slime Rancher, which is SO CUTE (start with Casual mode). Skyrim is a lot of fun, and you have a lot of freedom in what build/style you play and how much or how little of the story line you do. Diablo III is fun too, especially if you want to run around killing demons.

    6. NPC of convient exposition*

      Where to start really depends on your genre interests and what sort of platform you have, can borrow or are interested in getting. However I Highly recommend “Journey” and “Abzu” both which you can play on PC or PS4. Not only are they Beautiful, but they are Very intuitive, and easy to learn. Both focus on exploration.
      There are amazing games out there, games that have quite literally brought me to tears. Games that I go back to again and again because they make me happy and warm. Games that have scared my pants off.
      But recommending some of those would be a bit like throwing you into the deep end before you can float. Or giving you War and Peace before you can read. Abzu and Journey, are beautiful, lovely, relaxing and a bit like Run Spot Run. They’ll help you gain Video game literacy so that other games will be easier to transition to.

    7. Roja*

      Watch the Steam sales. My husband is an avid gamer and gets screaming deals from Steam all. the. time. Like, $30 games for $1 or $2. If you like building/designing things you might like Minecraft, City Skylines, or Sims.

    8. Cuddles Chatterji*

      Ark: Survival Evolved. DINOSAURS and EXPLORING. You should make a local server with “easy” settings. It’s SO MUCH FUN and I’m completely hooked.

  48. Rebecca*

    I’ve been listening to the “Cold” podcast, about the disappearance of Susan Powell in Dec 2009. I just listened to episode 3, Faith and Finances. I’m glad that the producers tell listeners if they know of anyone in a situation like this, or if the listeners themselves are in a similar situation, to get help. I have to admit this is very hard for me to listen to.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      I haven’t listened to the podcast but I have read some on the case. That poor woman, omg. My impression of her setting was that she never stood a chance. May she RIP.

      1. Rebecca*

        The podcast is so fascinating, Josh and Susan Powell kept audio journals, so some of it is in their own words. And her friends speak, too, and I just thought oh my goodness, that poor woman :(

    2. Teach*

      I am caught up on that one, am issuing the warning I wish I’d had: if you do not know how this situation ends, you might want to look that up before you keep listening. It’s very bad, in ways that are sad beyond belief. (Not that it’s a happy-fest so far, but it’s much worse than I expected.)

      1. Rebecca*

        Oh, I know – it is a very sad ending, and it makes it even worse knowing as I listen what’s going to happen, especially when I hear her words and what she’s describing. I listened to the second episode while out on a walk yesterday, and said out loud a few times, oh just get out! Go! Please, why are you thinking/saying this?? It’s heart wrenching.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I have now been listening to this podcast for the last like five hours straight. It’s horrifying.

    4. LCL*

      The Wikipedia entry on this is pretty thorough. One of Josh’ sisters, Jennifer Graves, wrote a book about their family life growing up. If you read her news accounts you might end up with a speck of sympathy for the boy Josh was, though not the man he became. The patriarch Steve was a piece of work and many think he was involved in Susan’s death.

  49. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Writing thread! How’s everyone’s writing going?
    If all the loose plots in my head would kindly wait their turn, that’d be great thanks.
    Never been so grateful for the existence of A6 notebooks…

    1. Claire*

      I had to throw out three chapters for the current novel project and start over. Which…was painful at first, but now I have a *much* better angle on my characters, and the plot is filling out nicely. Turns out I needed to add three dangerous and troublesome sisters.

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        When I get in trouble I often end up killing people for the fun of it.
        (To the government agent watching me: I mean fictional people. I am not a serial killer. Although I suppose my characters would beg to differ.)

        1. Claire*

          Hahah! Same here. Last week, spouse and I were at a restaurant where I babbled on about a different novel in progress. “I need to kill off the president,” I said. Then, in case anyone else had overheard, I quickly added, “In the novel, I mean.”

          Also: My Google search history is so damning.

            1. A.N. O'Nyme*

              Like the time I had an ad for hunting knives and an ad for vegan food directly below it.
              I laughed way too hard when that happened. Honestly wish I had taken a screenshot.

            1. Claire*

              Once for the dayjob, I had to meet with one of our clients who had connections to the military. One of the standard questions was, “Have you ever plotted against our government?” (Seriously.) I said no, of course. But inside, I was thinking, Only in my books.

    2. Cindy Parker*

      I haven’t been writing for some years now but today I found some of my old writing and you know what: I was good. Not great. But not bad. Something to work with. And that felt good. Like I know I am not good today but with some practice I could get back to that level. And I want to. I have been lurking in this thread and one day I want to add something! The spark is back. This is such a nice feeling I just had to share it. I hope you don’t mind.

      2. A.N. O'Nyme*

        I don’t mind at all! That’s one of the reasons I started doing this thread, tbh! I had the same situation a few years ago so I know exactly what feeling you’re talking about, too.

    2. Amber Rose*

      Me too! XD
      Gotta love a birthday on a holiday.

      We’re doing an escape room. Got anything special planned?

  51. Junior Dev*

    Mental health thread! How are you doing? What are you struggling with? What are you proud of?

    I’m struggling with sleep and avoiding doctors for the health problems I know I need to deal with. I’m just so burned out on having the same conversations over and over and being talked down to. I just wanna live my life. But eventually I have to deal with it, I know. Luckily my PCP is pretty great. But I think I need to see a specialist and I’m just dreading it.

    Proud of making social plans this weekend, and of going to the gym 3 times this week. It really does help with my sleep and my mood.

    How are you doing?

    1. Lynne879*

      I’m definitely doing better this week than last week. I’m finally starting to get the hang of doing deep breathing exercises when I’m starting to feel upset about something, but it definitely needs more work. I’ve been keeping a small notebook in my purse where I write down any moments of anxiety I feel & I’ve expanded it to writing down positive things I’ve down to help my depression for the day.

      I’m still struggling on the whole making friends thing, though. I do nothing but work, so I feel like every time I find a social event on meetup or on Facebook group that I’d like to attend I can’t do it because I’m working :/

    2. 653-CXK*

      I’m still waiting for a response back from the job I applied to. They contacted me because they wanted a second supervisor as a reference; I gave them one and it turned out the extension I gave had the numbers switched (dumb error). Hopefully I will hear from them; since Monday is a holiday I probably won’t hear from them until Tuesday. I think they are serious about bringing me onboard, and it all depends on the references.

      I’m proud of finishing my taxes. Each year it was extremely easy (just me) and I did it as soon as I got the paperwork in late January; this year, I procrastinated by a month because I thought with the health insurance change, the unemployment insurance, and other things, I would be paying through the nose, but thank blessed (insert deity, crush or talisman here) for withholding ahead of time and the new tax laws – I owed a lot less than I thought I would. Uncle Sam has his money and I have my sanity back. I was really keyed up last night and this was probably why I had a hard time falling asleep and staying asleep last night; I woke up this morning and dozed off mid-morning.

    3. CheeseNurse*

      I’m doing OK, mainly because my life situation has improved. I’m proud of myself for doggedly pushing through a toxic contract job followed by a long period of unemployment, despite how incredibly difficult and stressful it was.

      Lately I’ve been going through finances and paperwork and trying to get my life back on track. I keep getting surprised that I neglected certain things and then working on not feeling ashamed or overwhelmed about it. For example, I didn’t file taxes in 2016 or 2017. I thought I had, but nope. I also found a bunch of correspondence from a collection agency that I never opened (somehow that resolved itself, despite me not even being aware of it). My cognitive abilities are really negatively affected by high stress and anxiety, but I never realize it when I’m in it.

      I’m also avoiding going to the doctor for the same reasons as you. I’ll deal with that eventually :)

      I’m managing things by exercising regularly and cutting way back on sugar. I don’t think sugar is the devil or anything, but I personally find it makes my mental and physical health worse and I feel better when I’m avoiding it.

    4. StellaBella*

      Hi and thanks for this thread as usual, J.D. Well done on gym and social plans.

      I am doing well – have a verbal/email offer for a job, waiting on contract. :)

      On Saturday I went thrifting, and after walking and shopping for 3 hours, I found 4 work dresses (have a couple of suit jackets to pair with these, as I like simple, modern, classic sleeveless, zip up back dresses to mix and match and now, I have a full work wardrobe yay!) and 3 cashmere sweaters – all for under 120$. The thrift/charity shops where I live have some really nice things in them, and to be honest, a second-hand cashmere sweater for about 18$ (made by a fancy designer) is so worth it. I kind of freaked out I was so excited to find these, and found a pair of pants made by Ted Baker London for 18$ (retail tag on these said 150$) – so now I have literally 2 ‘new to me’ suits and enough work-appropriate clothes for 3 full weeks, so for that I am happy.

      And – it’s been two years this past week since my life went pear-shaped: in Feb 2017, I got made redundant (loss of funding for non profit meant 90% of the worker bees got laid off but boss kept her 6 figure salary, yes it was a toxic place on many levels), I got dumped by boyfriend of 3+ years, and began to get very ill with pancreatitis and gall bladder issues, which landed my in hospital for 10 days with 2 surgeries. Since then – I was thinking about this last night – I have done therapy for work-stress issues, learned some new coping mechanisms, took 18 months off and did an intensive MSc, and moved countries twice. Now, with the job offer I am settling back into my life and am happy and ready to take on the challenges ahead – because I have a strong network of friends and family that I love and am grateful for, every day.

      I hope everyone has a good Sunday and that next week is a really amazing week for all of us. :)

      1. NoLongerYoung*

        Sounds like you are in a good place, and wonderful forward momentum through what must have been a tough time. High five!

    5. Catherine*

      For the last week I’ve had an increasingly difficult time getting myself out of bed in the morning. I eventually do it and I’m mostly on time to things but it’s a struggle to get up and go.

    6. Red*

      I’m struggling with my agoraphobia. I had a panic attack in Target and had to sit in the car while my husband finished the shopping, and I’ve avoided doing a couple other errands for a bit too long. I don’t know what my deal is, there’s nothing wrong with Target or the gym or taking a dang walk. I know that. And yet, I can’t seem to convince my body of it. It just insists on panicking of I try to go somewhere I don’t know well (like work or the library).

  52. Sleepless' Spouse*

    TLDR: My husband’s sleep is erratic. He’s up all night and sleeps all day, which is a big problem because we have a toddler and baby. I’m starting to lose it and need some advice, sympathy, and perspective.

    My husband’s sleep is erratic. He gets severe insomnia, often not falling asleep until 3 or 4 am. He’s usually able to get himself up in time for work, but on weekends he generally sleeps until about noon, although it’s sometimes 3 or 4 in the afternoon (I sometimes try to wake him up earlier, unsuccessfully). Other times, he is so overwhelmed with fatigue that he falls asleep at inappropriate times and places. After work, it is not uncommon for him to fall asleep in his parked car, the closet, the shower, or on the bedroom or office floor. It seems that the sleep he does get isn’t restful. He might sleep from 3 to 11am, and then want to take a nap at 2 or 3pm. He has also experienced occasional sleep paralysis, where he’s awake but can’t move. (I do think it’s noteworthy that he’s in the tech industry, whereI know that late schedules are common. I think this goes beyond that, although I don’t think all that time in front of a computer screen is helping anything.)

    When it was just the two of us, these things were a bit irritating, but I figured he’d eventually outgrow it. But it’s only gotten worse. We now have two small children, and I am quickly losing my patience. I can’t count on him for anything before noon on the weekends. By the time he is awake, I’ve already been up with the kids for 5+ hours and they are nearly ready for afternoon naps. Neither of them sleep through the night yet, so I am up at least twice a night and I would like a chance to sleep in occasionally. I’d like to go to the zoo or church as a family, or have him make pancakes or run out for donuts and coffee. I’d also like to go away for a couple days by myself in the next year, but I don’t think it’s safe to leave the kids with him. It’s embarrassing when we have out-of-town visitors or go stay with family and he sleeps all morning. I know he looks lazy, but he doesn’t talk about it or give any explanation to people, and I’m not sure if it’s appropriate for me to share on his behalf.

    He’s a good dad and I know he loves me, so I am finally beginning to realize that this is not laziness or a personality quirk, but some kind of sleep disorder that’s not going to go away on its own. A few months ago, we got in a fight and I told him he had to get a sleep study done. He had previously seen two different counselors, who worked with him on sleep hygiene, but he hadn’t seen a medical doctor. He went to talk to a sleep specialist, who said it’s probably just stress, but ordered a test for sleep apnea as well as bloodwork. Both tests came back fine. He was supposed to go in for a follow-up appointment, but he needed to cancel and is dragging his feet on rescheduling. He doesn’t talk to me about it, but I think he feels that they aren’t going to be able to help him. I asked if he told the doctor that he falls asleep in weird places and gets muscle paralysis, and he said no, that never came up. It annoys me that they dismissed it as “stress” (although I agree that stress significantly worsens it.) I want to go with him to the next appointment and share my perspective of what’s going on, but I’m not sure that’s really appropriate.

    So my questions are: does anyone have any ideas of what this disorder could be or suggestions of questions to ask the doctor? How much should I push him to reschedule his sleep specialist appointment? He doesn’t want to talk about it when I bring him up, and part of me doesn’t see a point in forcing him into treatment before he is ready.

    Most importantly for me, how can I reframe this in a way that makes me less resentful? On a rational level I think it’s a sleep disorder, but on an emotional level I feel resentful, abandoned, powerless, and angry. A little part of me still thinks he’s lazy and wonders if I’m enabling him. I don’t know whether to be sympathetic and supportive (keep the kids quiet, wait until he wakes up to do family things, make excuses for him to family, let him seek treatment in his own time) or if I need to draw some hard lines (let the kids be noisy, try to force him to wake up in the morning, stage an “intervention” where I tell him how this is affecting me, insist he sees the doctor). Any advice would be much appreciated.

    1. LibbyG*

      It sounds maddening! A baby and a toddler is hard!

      Your entreaties haven’t worked to prompt him to follow through, and maybe, in his mind, he’s managing the problem by catching up on sleep on the weekends. Though sleeping until noon on Sat doesn’t help him go to sleep on time Sat night.

      So I think you might do well to frame it in terms of the unusually demanding period your family is in and that you need to work together to make sure that you’re both getting enough rest. And “rest” instead of “sleep” because you deserve some downtime beyond sleeping.

      Maybe start with proposing that you each get 2 hours off from parenting each weekend day. If he needs his between 6 & 8 am, maybe that’s ok with you if you know you’ll have both of you on duty 8-10 and you’ll have 10-noon to snooze or read or make phone calls or whatever. And focusing on working out a fair arrangement that meets both your needs may quiet the frustrated feeling that he’s not acting his age.

    2. Claire*

      He’s not lazy. As you said, he has insomnia, which leads to all the other issues you’ve described. I know when I have a bout of insomnia, waking me up early doesn’t help at all. My doctor prescribed medication to help me 1) get to sleep, and 2) stay asleep.

      But that’s me, not your husband.

      If I were in your situation, I’d suggest that he see his regular doctor, and tell him that it’s affecting your health as well as his. (And when he does go to his doctor, he needs to share the results from the sleep studies plus the info about falling asleep at odd times, in odd places.)

      Best of luck!

    3. Autumnheart*

      I think that it’s time to be clear to him what this issue is costing you. It’s not just costing him sleep, it’s costing him his relationship with his family, his ability and responsibility to back you up as a partner, and it’s costing YOU sleep. Every time he sleeps until noon, misses things with family members, and puts you in the position of having to go without sleep, tell others to be quiet, or make explanations to other people, he is costing you. He doesn’t get to just decide that his convenience and need for sleep is more important than anything else. He doesn’t get to make you carry his water until he feels “ready” to address this. It’s causing real and continuing problems for other people. He needs to get on it.

      So I would be like, “here’s the phone, make the appointment now. Here are the things you need to be doing on a regular basis (waking up with the kids, making his own explanations to his own family, becoming a competent co-parent). Get a plan together for how you’re going to address these things, and then we’ll talk this evening about it.” He’s not giving you a choice about having to do all the parenting and relationship management while he spends the whole day in bed. You don’t need to give him a choice about how long you’ll be willing to continue doing it. He’s had enough time, time is up.

      You don’t mention if he spends a lot of time on screens (watching TV, looking at phone, playing videogames) but as someone whose circadian rhythm is easily disrupted by screens, I would highly recommend starting with some strict screen discipline to see if it helps. For me, if I have to get up at 6am, it’s best if I turn off all screens by 8pm so that I can go to sleep by 10pm. I have an e-ink e-reader that isn’t backlit, that doesn’t have the same effect, so I allow myself to read on it. Between 8 and 10pm, I listen to audiobooks, do chores around the house, that sort of thing. Of course, I don’t have a baby and a toddler, and your husband does! So he should certainly be interacting with his family and taking care of parenting and home responsibilities.

      Late schedules might be common in the tech industry, but you know who else works late hours? Tons of people, fathers AND mothers, and they don’t get to just abdicate their other responsibilities and do nothing else but sleep and go to work. That’s not fair, it’s fixable, and your husband needs to fix it yesterday.

    4. Alex*

      Long term, I definitely think you need to share with him that this problem is affecting you and you need him to try to get some treatment for it. Just because it may be a medical issue doesn’t absolve him of the responsibilities he has to you and his family, and it’s OK to frame it like that to him. If he’s open to it, maybe try going to the appointment with him so that you can both share what you observe about his symptoms?

      Short term, can you both sit down and agree on a schedule for when you or him is in charge of the kids–one that he can stick to? If he is always up until 4, maybe he can handle middle of the night kid responsibilities between 10pm and 4am so you can get a chunk of uninterrupted sleep, maybe on weekends he can make a commitment to taking the kids from post naptime through bedtime so you can go out and see a friend, or take a solo trip to the store, or whatever you need to do? At least this way it gives some structure and routine to your day that you can depend on instead of spending your life waiting around for him to wake up.

    5. Call me St. Vincent*

      I have an ex who would do the same thing, although we were not married and didn’t have children. I have children now and I cannot imagine what you are going through. It is both awful and also not okay!! It may not be his fault he has insomnia but he needs to try to get help. In my ex’s case it was actually severe anxiety and getting on meds for that helped significantly. So agreeing with everyone else, he needs to see his doctor and explain the full effect this is having on his life and yours. What if he fell asleep behind the wheel? This is dangerous! I wish you and your family all the best in figuring this out!

    6. Not All*

      Look up Delayed Sleep Phase Disorder. (I think that’s the name they seem to be settling on)

      I sympathize with your husband. He is NOT lazy (or not based this anyway). And it is only very, very recently that science is catching up to what those of us who are “night owls” have always known…there is no way to just will away what your natural sleep cycle is. It isn’t because we’re lazy, stubborn, not practicing good sleep hygiene, whatever…it’s just the way we’re wired and they are learning more & more that there seems to be a strong genetic component to it. (Most likely true in my case…I’m told my biological father was the same way but since I can count on one hand the number of times I saw him he certainly wasn’t influencing my daily habits.)

      Imagine (or even try as an experiment) that you must sleep from 10AM to 6PM, always. That is the only time you are allowed to sleep and you must be at work, taking care of kids, whatever 6PM to 10AM. How is your quality of sleep? How easy is it to fall asleep? How hard is it to go back to sleep if something wakes you up? That is what people like your husband and I live ALL THE TIME, with the added fun of society telling us we’re lazy, quoting early bird crap at us, saying we’re just not trying, etc.

      Unfortunately, there are very few well-paying jobs where you can be nocturnal. Though the couple of times I was able to pull graveyard shift was AMAZING!!!! I have never been so well rested, had so much energy, and so little pain from a chronic health condition in my life. (I actually believe at this point that the chronic condition may well go away when I retire and can be nocturnal again)

      I know there is at least one other person on this board who has had success with medications for Delayed Sleep Phase Disorder. (I admit, I haven’t spent the effort to doctor-hunt for one with experience treating it…I got frustrated with ones who viewed it as just insomnia or personal preference, which it’s not). I hope s/he will chime in.

      I’m sorry I don’t have a lot of solutions to offer for your husband. I know that I have to keep a really set schedule even on weekends no matter how exhausted I am, I do much better if I get a fair amount of physical exercise, I have some habits like re-reading a chapter of books I’ve read many times right at bedtime. But I also flatly refused to have kids in large part because I knew there was no way I would survive (or they would survive) that degree of sleep interruption unless I found a way to work swing/graveyard shifts. And I’m exhausted and operating at probably 60% mental & emotional capacity at all times.

      1. Sleepless' Spouse*

        Thank you, this is exactly the sort of perspective I was hoping to get. I know I used the word “lazy” a few times, mostly to show how it appears, but I know in my head that he’s not lazy. He went to a prestigious school (where the academic pressure wreaked havoc on his sleep, but he managed to make it through) and has a good job. He’s the smartest person I’ve ever met and I wonder what he could accomplish if he were at full capacity.

        I know you said you won’t have kids, but have you had partners and how did you work out this issue with them? What did they do that was helpful or unhelpful?

        1. Not All*

          I’ve been married twice for about a decade each time. Both my spouses had the same natural rhythm as me so our issue was more making sure we didn’t feed into each other.

          Things that have made a big difference for me:
          -accepting this is who I am (like Klovia I really resent this being labeled a disorder…we kept the tribe alive back when AND are useful now in a host of professions including medical, people who drive at night, etc)
          -my sleep is sacred. Unless someone is actually bleeding to death, waking me up when I have finally managed to sleep in the desired time slot may result in justifiable homicide. (In thr case of pets, I throw money at the problem and have someone exercise them to exhaustion during the day, perhaps some form of childcare would be your equivalent)
          -I have done a lot of careful journaling on what makes it harder/easier for me to sleep. One key one for me is my triggers for sleep/wake are reversed…darkness wakes me up & bright light makes me sleepy. So I have a SADs light I put on right beside me an hour or so before bed.
          -I have adjusted my schedule to the maximum extent I can to my natural level. I live close to work, have the latest allowed start time, I do as much as possible the night before (shower, set coffee pot, lay out clothes, etc) so even with having to take care of dogs & put on a minimum of makeup I’m out the door 15 min after the alarm goes off. This is the opposite of the conventional wisdom that says get up even earlier so you have time to wake up. I’m not going to fall asleep earlier so I’m better off getting every minute of available sleep in the mornings.

          It might be worth trying having your husband do more of the evening load so he can get a bit more sleep in the mornings.

          This is a really hard thing to live with for most people…the best analogy I’ve heard is that it’s like being nearsighted in a place they didn’t have eyeglasses and being told if only you were a good enough person/prayed enough/took proper care of your eyes you’d be able to see like everyone else.

      2. Khlovia*

        This this this.

        And I don’t think it’s even necessarily a disorder. At least, I think there may well be a very good evolutionary reason for it, as with a lot of things that are considered problematical now that have a genetic component: Which proto-human tribe is going to have the better chance of survival, the one that has one or two individuals who find it relatively easy to stay awake all night and watch and listen, or the one where everyone gets a good solid eight hours of sleep–at least until something large and fangy pounces?

        Once upon a time, *all* our tiny little primate ancestors were nocturnal. But we throwbacks continued to serve our tribes even after everybody else got day jobs. I would like to think that your and my and Sleepless’ Spouse’s spouse’s ancestors got served breakfast in bed when the sun was high, by their tribemates who very sensibly appreciated their vigilance.

        Too bad it doesn’t map well onto a clock-bound culture.

        I like to think that your and my

      3. Diagnosed with DSPS*

        I have DSPS–my “normal” sleeping pattern is to fall asleep around 10am and wake up around 6pm. I do not work nights, so I have not been able to have that sleeping schedule since college! Instead, I have a very good sleep doctor who I like, and I take medication to help normalize my sleep schedule (not melatonin, which just makes me feel gross, and definitely not a sedative like Ambien). I also have a light box for the morning, which really helped me when I was first starting out with managing my sleep. I have a strict bedtime–I go to bed at the same time every night, with some variation on the weekends. I am still tired a lot, and I have to be REALLY careful not to let myself stay up later and later, but it is a lot better than it used to be. I was recently diagnosed with sleep apnea as well, so now I also use a CPAP.

        It sounds to me that your husband is past due for a visit to a sleep specialist– that is, a medical doctor. He should have an in-lab sleep study, not one of the ones they send you home with. The in-lab studies monitor a lot more, including sleep positions, leg movements, and brain waves, and they are more accurate because they basically strip out all of the time you spend in bed but not asleep. They can also chart the amount of time you spend in each stage of sleep, which allows the doctors to see if you’re, for example, not actually making it to REM sleep for enough time to feel rested.

        Sleep studies cannot diagnose DSPS, but they can rule out a lot of other sleep disorders. If your husband falls asleep a lot during the day, including at work or in the car, he might also need to be screened for narcolepsy. I believe sleep paralysis can be an associated symptom of narcolepsy. People with narcolepsy are sometimes given stimulants to help them stay awake during the day, or some kinds of antidepressants to help with the sleepiness.

    7. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      I assume you’ve done most of the obvious with sleep hygiene specialists:
      1. Bed is for sleep and sex, no reading or screens
      2. No caffeine after lunch
      3. Melatonin around dinnetime
      4. No eating after 8 pm
      5. Bedroom is quiet/dark/not too hot (temp is eaiest to overlook)
      6. No more than one alcoholic drink/day

      Sounds like you had the obvious medical things looked at (sleep apnea, restless legs). Worth forcing the issue and you going with him as the bed partner is a good idea.

      Otherwise, he may have to sleep train himself like you would with a kid.
      1. Go to bed same time everyday – he can lay there but no screens
      2. Wake up same time every day even weekends – he may need an alarm
      3. Total time in bed should not be less than 7 hours
      4. No naps

      Other things to think about: is he doing problematic things in the time after you go to sleep? This could run the gamut from video games to porn to online gambling to excessive Netflix to text/chatting to binge eating. If anything he’s doing is of the compulsive variety even if it’s not bad per se, its excessive use could be part of his sleep issue.

    8. blaise zamboni*

      “does anyone have any ideas of what this disorder could be or suggestions of questions to ask the doctor?”

      Honestly, it just sounds like insomnia to me. Really severe insomnia, but insomnia nonetheless. I think he needs some kind of sleep aid in addition to good sleep hygiene–obviously he needs to see the doc for this, but my suggestion would be Trazodone, which (from my understanding) used to be a common antidepressant but is now generally considered more useful for sleep problems. I had pretty serious insomnia in the past, like life-altering unable-to-do-my-normal-routine insomnia, and after being on Trazodone for a few months I felt like a completely new person. In case it matters to either of you, once I got my sleep schedule back on track with the meds, I was able to go off them with no problem at all. I still sometimes have sleep issues but I use melatonin instead, which is super benign in comparison. So going on meds for insomnia is not a life sentence of being on medication.

      As far as your part in this — yes, draw hard lines. It might feel cruel but you deserve his support in the mornings, and if he’s allowed to sleep until 3 or 4 pm, then of course he won’t be waking up at 6am with the kiddos like you are. Part of him resetting his schedule involves waking up earlier than he’d like to so he’s tired and can sleep at the appropriate times. It sounds like he has a more insidious underlying condition so of course you can show sympathy towards that, but that doesn’t absolve him from his responsibility as a parent or husband. I might cut him some slack if he is actively trying to solve the issue by going to doctors and trying medication, but that’s really dependent on the attitude and actions you see from him.

      I wouldn’t necessarily stage an “intervention” at this point but I think you have every right to let him know how this is affecting you, and that this is a common (albeit really shitty) condition which can usually be managed with medication. I would ask him if he’s comfortable having you along for the next doctor’s appointment–it’s only inappropriate if he feels strongly that he should be there alone. No medical professional will think your presence is inappropriate as long as he’s cool with it, and you may be able to offer a valuable perspective that he doesn’t have.

      If he’s already gone the medication route (because I’d be surprised if a doctor did sleep apnea testing before trying to rule out insomnia) and that hasn’t worked–be very stringent with sleep hygiene. Like, no screens for an hour beforehand, find some books to read, get his butt into bed at a reasonable time even if he’s feeling awake, etc. Obviously this needs to be a collaboration between the two of you, but let him know that you’re serious about it and that you’re coming from a place of concern for his well-being. He may also benefit from therapy, depending on what his mindset is like while he’s awake all night (stress? trauma? worries about daily life? go see a therapist).

      I hope you two are able to work out a good solution for your family! Sending you both good vibes.

      1. Claire*

        Trazadone is magic, for me. I take a couple Melatonin to get me started, but I need Trazadone to keep me asleep. Otherwise I wake up at 2am, then I’m awake until morning.

        1. Jane*

          Thirding Trazodone. I had insomnia so bad that I was actually hallucinating due to lack of sleep. My roommate almost took me to the emergency room (I refused but did go to my regular doc immediately). That stuff gave me my life back.

    9. Wishing You Well*

      Just a note: really bad sleep isn’t harmless. It can result in heart attacks, diabetes, etc. (My father was an example of this.) So delaying medical help is a very bad idea.
      I hope he gets going.

    10. anonagain*

      One thought is that your husband could be on nighttime childcare duty since he is awake until the early morning anyway. Depending on your children’s needs and your setup, he might not be able to do everything, but he could always be the one to check on the kids if they wake up at night.

      I think that might be an adjustment for everyone, but I think one of the perks of having a nocturnal spouse should be that you get to sleep through the night.

      I hope you have other sources of support. Counseling, individually and as a couple, probably wouldn’t hurt. Stay connected with your friends and family. This sounds hard and I hope you are taking care of yourself and letting the people who love you take care of you, too.

      As far as re-framing, I don’t have any great ideas. I think your husband’s medical situation sounds quite serious and I am frustrated for both of you that his doctors have been blase about it. I am extra frustrated for you that he didn’t volunteer the information that might have helped the doctors see how serious this is.

      One thing I do hear from you is that there are a lot of aspects of family life that you feel you have lost because of this. Are there ways that you can try to build some of that into your life as it is now? If going to church is important to you, can you go at a different time or on a different day? Can you turn your kids’ bedtime into a family bonding time? Can you do breakfast for dinner and your husband can make pancakes in the evening instead?

      To be clear, I think the situation is serious and needs to be addressed. I just hope you won’t delay doing the other things that are important to you until your husband’s medical condition is addressed. It might always require some adjustments, but that doesn’t mean the two of you can’t find ways to work together and to have a fulfilling and mutually supportive relationship.

      For what it’s worth, I have delayed sleep phase syndrome, which is different from ordinary insomnia, and mild sleep apnea. I’ve had some truly terrible sleep specialists and some really great ones who gave me life changing advice and treatment. It’s not just stress (though saying “just stress” seems silly, when stress is so significant in and of itself) and your husband deserves to have his concerns taken seriously.

      1. Ainomiaka*

        Yes!!! I was wondering about why he can’t do evening childcare and let the OP get some sleep if he isn’t sleeping. I only have one 5 week old and taking some advantage where you can of different sleep schedules has already really helped.

        OP, don’t try to “re-frame” into telling yourself you are okay with something that you are not and shouldn’t have to be. Do try to figure it out what can let you get some sleep.

        1. Sleepless' Spouse*

          During his paternity leave he took night waking with our toddler (I breastfeed the baby) and it seemed to make things worse. He’d then not be able to sleep because he was anxious about hearing the kids, or he’d fall asleep in the other room for a couple hours, get woken up by the monitor, and then not be able to go back to sleep. Or he’d fall into a deep sleep and not hear the kids at all, and I’d eventually wake up to one of them screaming. But it might be worth a try again. Maybe I could pump a bottle, and then he could feed the baby the first time she wakes up (usually around 1 am), then bring me the monitor immediately so he doesn’t fall asleep with it in the other room.

          1. valentine*

            You need help with the kids, he’s not doing enough, and he’s not doing anything to progress to where he can do enough. If you were on bedrest or had a broken bone, who would care for the children? Is he doing enough housework? He’s had a long time to take this by the horns and go at it like it’s his job to solve, because it is, and also to outsource childcare and housework until he can reliably sleep.

            You know him best and I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but it looks to me like he doesn’t want to step up and do what you need a partner doing for your family. You shouldn’t have to run the family and coddle or manage him so he’ll get treatment, much less to brainstorm how to do so in a way he finds palatable.

    11. Mary Connell*

      Didn’t read all the comments, so perhaps someone already suggested this, but that sounds like narcolepsy.

      Diagnostic tools include the polysomnogram (PSG), multiple sleep latency test (MSLT), and Epworth Sleepiness Scale, which measures daytime sleepiness.

      1. Fish Girl*

        Yep agreed! Real-life Narcolepsy looks pretty different than the stereotype you might see on TV. There’s no cure but there are drugs that can help. He really needs to see a sleep specialist again and mention the sleep paralysis, since that is a huge indicator for narcolepsy. Also he needs to see a sleep specialist that is more of a neurologist rather than a pulmonologist. Pulmonologists are more specialized for dealing with sleep apnea versus neurologists are more familiar with narcolepsy and insomnia.

        My husband has terrible insomnia too. But he still does his share of morning childcare. We each get one morning on the weekend to sleep in until 9 am and the other parent gets up with the toddler (and sometimes its just throw a show on the TV and snooze on the couch with her until other parent gets up). I usually still have to wake him up for “his” morning with toddler (lots of literal shoving to get him awake) but I fall back asleep easily, so I don’t mind that.

        Also he usually puts the toddler down for her nap on weekends and ends up napping with her too, to catch up on sleep. So instead of your husband sleeping until naptime, he could get up earlier and then put the kids down for a nap and nap himself.

    12. Ann O.*

      I am a lifelong insomniac. In my experience, doctors are bizarrely blithe about insomnia and do not take it seriously enough. It is horrible and hugely life altering and rigid sleep hygiene is just NOT a feasible solution for the majority of us. (it does actually work, though. I was able to do it for two wonderful years, and it was as though I did not have insomnia. But then my schedule changed.)

      Based on your description, your husband’s insomnia is health-alteringly severe. He is probably functioning in survival mode every day, which means it’s going to be hard for him to be a medical advocate for himself. But what he needs is a proper sleep study to rule out narcolepsy or other sleep disorders. I am so angry that a sleep specialist would brush him off by saying it’s probably just stress-induced insomnia instead of getting him into a sleep study immediately. If you can go with him to the next appointment, yes, you should go and advocate for him.

      I don’t know what your insurance options are, but if you can switch sleep specialists or help him get to a sleep study himself, that would be good. It’s so horrible dealing with this that it can just be crushing dealing with a non-sympathetic doctor. I don’t know how to explain it, but it just compounds the feeling of hopelessness.

      He’s also not going to like this, but he NEEDS prescription meds to get him on track in the short term. If he’s falling asleep in a parked car, he is in a very dangerous place right now above and beyond the impact on your marriage. But he also needs to break the sleeping in on the weekend trap because it’s not fair to you or the kids AND it is the worst thing to do for insomnia-prone individuals. It would be much better for him to have a consistent wake up time and take naps in the afternoon.

      1. Hola!*

        The falling asleep in a parked car anecdote frightens me. He is driving with children in the car when he falls asleep like this? He’s a hazard to himself and anyone on the road.

        1. Thursday Next*

          Yes, I flagged that too. And as a sleep specialist told my husband, if you’re aware of sleep issues, don’t treat them, and you cause an accident…it’s really bad.

          TBH this is part of the leverage I used to get my husband to see a sleep specialist.

    13. Koala dreams*

      My mother needed many visits to find out why she was tired all the time despite sleeping every night. I have visited a round of doctors and other medical providers for my insomnia, but it doesn’t help that much. What I’m trying to say is, sleep isn’t easy and it takes time to solve. Your husband needs to be motivated to get help. As for you, I think you need to focus on what to do in the meantime. If your husband is awake at night, can he take all nights and you take days? He gets up at noon, you say, so can he take the afternoons until it’s time for the kids to go to sleep?

      It can be difficult for couples being awake the opposite schedule. The good thing is that this is a relatively common problem, so I think you can solve it with some couple’s therapy. Maybe you can do date nights once a week?

      1. Koala dreams*

        Also, I know you said you wanted to have ideas about illnesses and treatments, but I feel personally that’s putting the cart before the horse. You as a couple and family need to solve your immediate problems first, then you will be able to start for the necessary health journey ahead.

    14. Sungold*

      The sleep medicine specialist absolutely needs to know about the sleep paralysis and excessive daytime sleepiness. And make sure the specialist is a physician, not a nurse practitioner, as the physician will have a broader fund of knowledge. No-one should diagnose over the internet but look up the symptoms for narcolepsy (they can include sleep paralysis, sleeping in inappropriate locations, and insomnia.) This is one of the conditions that should be ruled in or out by careful history and/or testing. It is not unusual for a family member to accompany a patient to a doctor’s appointment in this sort of situation – especially in a sleep clinic where the bed partner may observe symptoms that the patient is not aware of.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I was going to say, if he forgets (or “forgets”) to tell the provider all his symptoms, maybe you could go with him and help make sure all the details are included. Or if he’s not comfortable with that for some reason, at the very least make a list for him to take along.

    15. Dr. Anonymous*

      It is absolutely reasonable to tell him how this affects you and go to the doctor with him and schedule the appointment together. It’s not uncommon for one more little piece of information to make a big difference in diagnosis and treatment. You can give what you’ve seen about the history of the problem and by all means offer to leave after that so he can have some time alone with his doctor. People with delayed sleep phase disorder can train themselves to have a more compliant sleep schedule, but it’s very hard and requires a lot of work and consistency and good medical support.
      A lot of times people with chronic health problems do get fed up with going to doctors and I get that. But you need some kind of plan that you make together for how you’ll both live if this is as good as his sleep gets, and it is very fair to want to see that he’s trying AS HARD AS HE CAN to get the best evaluation and treatment available. And don’t be afraid to push to go to more than one doctor. Some sleep specialists are more thorough than others.

    16. Need a Beach*

      Has he been tested for adult ADHD? The symptoms you’re describing are a huge part of my husband’s ADD issues (being able to sleep only at unusual times, sleep paralysis, non-restful and sudden misplaced sleep).

      Unfortunately, a LOT of the stereotypical “sleep hygiene” suggestions are contraindicated for people with ADD. Example: avoiding screen time at night. Surprise! The sound/sight stimulation actually helps a person with ADD settle down and get tired, because darkness and quiet just gives their brains room to run. They need the distraction of outside stimuli.

      What has helped my guy: Having his own, separate bedroom that he can set up to meet his own needs. (I need it warm, dark, and quiet. I sleep with earplugs and an eye mask. He wants the room to be freezing, with music and TV blasting. There is no feasible compromise.)

      Also, figuring out what ADD meds actually work was a huge help. Instant-acting and time-released methylphenidates, combined, help to sync his cycle a bit better. His doc actually thinks that part of his problem is a lengthened cycle–if left to his own devices, his body reverts to a 26- or 28-hour day.

      I’m not saying your guy absolutely needs to go this route, but your description stuck a chord with me, so I wanted to point out that his issues may be part of a larger puzzle.

      1. Lilysparrow*

        I have ADHD. Screen time at night absolutely ruins my ability to fall asleep, and often gets me so engrossed that I stay up hours too late because I can’t transition out of it.

        That’s the thing about ADHD: it’s only consistent in its inconsistency. The same stuff doesn’t work for everyone.

        1. Need a Beach*

          Interesting! I have literally never met someone with ADHD who benefited from less outside stimulus rather than more. What a difficult disorder.

      2. Khlovia*

        Whoa, me too with the ADD & 26-hour natural cycle. What the heck is up with that? Are your husband and I descended from aliens? Because how does one manage to get out of sync with one’s own native planet?!

        1. Someone Else*

          There have been a number of studies suggesting most people’s circadian rhythms are actually closer to a 26-hour day.

    17. Lilysparrow*

      I am not saying this to scare you, but so that you can maybe use it to light a fire under him.

      He is at the point that this sleep disorder is life-threatening, because one of these days very soon he’s going to fall asleep in the car BEFORE he gets home.

      Please, please do not allow him to drive you or the kids anywhere, even if he says he’s fine. Sleep deprivation is cumulative, and it affects your perceptions & reflexes exactly the same as if you were drunk. You can’t make him go to the doctor, and you can’t make him tell the doctor the truth, but you can keep him from killing the rest of you until he does.

      Any chance he has ADHD? About 30 percent of the general population has a sleep disorder. About 75 percent of ADHDers do. Mine is sleep apnea, but you said he tested negative for that.

      Sleep problems can occur alongside other physical or mental health issues, too, like anxiety & depression. And of course lack of sleep also makes those problems worse. It’s a vicious cycle.

      There’s no way to diagnose this remotely, and even hard to diagnose in person, because at a certain point it’s just all about the exhaustion, and there’s no way to distinguish other symptoms from the effects of the sleep loss.

      I know it’s brutal on you. As a mom of 2 less than 2 years apart, my best advice is:

      Tell your husband that he is a danger on the road and you & the kids aren’t riding with him anywhere for any reason until he gets it sorted out.

      And tell him you need help and support from family, friends, and/or paid help. You are going to get all the help for yourself and the kids that you can. You aren’t going to cover for him anymore – you’re going to tell anybody anything you need to in order to get help and have integrity with your loved ones. For example, that he is having a health crisis and can’t drive, or that he is in bed all day because he has a sleep disorder, or whatever works for you.

      Then do it. This is not an ultimatum to get him to do anything. It’s just informing him of your own completely reasonable needs for safety, integrity, and practical help. And informing him how you are planning to meet these needs for yourself, since he cannot.

      And he will put on his big-boy pants & figure out what he needs to do.

      1. LilySparrow*

        I re-read this today and wanted to clarify: this is about reducing your resentment, overwhelm, and feelings of helplessness. I’d urge you to center your own needs, not to be selfish but because addressing your own needs is inside your control, while “fixing” his sleep problem is outside your control. Getting yourself help and rest, and getting emotional & practical support is going to ease your own burnout so you can be emotionally generous toward him without the frustration, exasperation, and resentment.

        You can’t pour out of an empty pitcher.

        Also, when you’re under a lot of stress (like having a baby & a toddler while dealing with a serious health situation), we use magical thinking as a coping mechanism, but it’s not helpful in the long-term. Right now, you are focused on fixing his sleep, because if you can “just” fix his sleep, then everything will go back to “normal”.

        But this may not be an easy fix. It’s been going on a long time and it’s getting worse. It might be something he can recover from and start functioning more normally. It might be something that gets a little better but is never “normal” compared to other people, or it may cycle up & down for the rest of his life.

        So if he were permanently disabled by a chronic health condition, how would you adjust your expectations? How would you cope with your own self-care and giving your children a safe and healthy childhood?

        You’d make sure his condition didn’t harm them or warp their experiences (like by trying to keep a baby and toddler unnaturally quiet for most of the day). You’d make arrangements for outside help to pick up the slack that he can’t. And you’d seek bonding and emotional support for yourself.

        So do that stuff anyway, because you need it.

        1. Thursday Next*

          This is thoughtful and wise advice. LilySparrow is right: you need to figure out how address your needs independently of “solving” his sleep issues. And the point about making sure your children don’t have to compensate for his issues is crucial. They should not bear any responsibility for meeting his needs.

    18. Thursday Next*

      Your resentment is legit! It sounds like you’ve been shielding “Sleepless” from the true cost of their sleep habits.

      Sleepless has a propensity, let’s call it, that is not helping you and your children. So far, Sleepless has seemed to focus on what works for them, but it is not working for the rest of you. You sound very sympathetic to Sleepless, but you need sleep too, and this is being sacrificed for “Sleepless,” who honestly sounds like they’re getting more sleep! I think you can be honest in your framing. Yes, you are concerned about Sleepless, but you need sleep too, and your children need more involvement with their other parent.

      With very young children, there’s only so much that can be off-loaded to their sleeping hours. At the very least, Sleepless should be doing all of these things—laundry, advance meal prep, dishes, restocking baby supplies.

      You should be sleeping when the kids nap.

      For different reasons, both my husband and I have seen sleep specialists. I’m an anxiety insomniac and a night owl…left to my own devices in grad school, I found going to bed at 2 or 3 am and waking at 10 or 11 am was most natural for me, and lent itself to the greatest productivity. That’s a difficult schedule to accommodate with most jobs, and with kids. Forcing myself awake now at 6 to get the kids ready for school is painful, because I still have a hard time sleeping before 2 am without prescription meds. I do take medication most weeknights as a result.

      If you choose to investigate medication, I hope you will speak to a sleep specialist who is knowledgeable about medications that weren’t developed as sleep aids but have turned out to be good ones. Someone upthread mentioned trazadone; there’s also neurontin. I’d ask the doctor about effective medications that are (1) non-habit-forming and (2) maintain normal sleep “architecture.”

      Best of luck to all of you!

    19. Christy*

      Here’s the thing. You absolutely need to tell him how this infects you and insist he see the doctor. It’s horrible that he is dragging his feet on getting the help he needs (and that your entire family needs) when you are picking up MAJOR slack with two young kids. The illness/disorder isn’t his fault, sure, but the lack of diligence in trying to treat it is his fault. You are suffering. I really hope that it’s just that he doesn’t know how much you’re suffering, not that he doesn’t care.

      And like, don’t feel bad about your negative feelings towards him about this. Straight-up, if I had two young kids and I couldn’t count on my wife to be left alone with them, and I knew I was essentially solely responsible for their nighttime care, and I knew my wife wasn’t working to treat the medical condition causing all this? I’d seriously consider leaving her. I’m not in this marriage to be the only one responsible for our kids. I’m not here to be married to someone I can’t count on for the big things.

          2. Christy*

            Hey, Alison has a rule about not correcting people’s grammar for a reason. I made my (admittedly, wrong) correction late at night to try to increase understanding, since “infect” is not the meaning I was trying to convey. E/affect is the meaning I was trying to convey, and I apparently did it successfully enough that you could correct me. And what did your correction do? It didn’t increase anyone’s understanding. It made me feel embarrassed (because I know better than to make this mistake) and defensive. If I didn’t write this response to you, I’d have been stewing about it all day. So next time, please follow Alison’s site rules so you don’t hurt someone’s feelings so you can feel briefly superior.

    20. Sam Carter*

      Great suggestions from everyone here, so I’m not going to repeat those, but I noticed one thing that’s missing. Sleep trackers! As a tech person, I’m sure he’d be on board to try them out. I’m currently using the Oura Ring and Fitbit Charge 3, which both have sleep tracking functions. They’re not medical devices, so there’s variability and occasional errors, but they’ve really helped me identify some patterns that disturb my sleep. I have major sleep problems with sleep paralysis as well, and it’s validating to see the numbers showing what’s happening to me. I have some weird heart rate and skin temp changes when I’m sleep paralysis. Don’t bother with the Motiv ring, it doesn’t live up to its hype.

    21. LCL*

      It’s worth getting a medical checkup if he will tell the physicians the truth. But there might not be anything wrong with him, other than he is a night owl trying to keep a day schedule and doing it poorly. What might happen if he took the approach of owning it and being a responsible shift worker? Here’s what that could like.

      1. He finds a new job or works it with his current job to work 12-8, 1-9, 2-10, 3-11pm kind of hours.
      2. When he gets home from work, at night, any childcare is his. You posted below that you are still nursing. He can pick up the child, soothe the child, bring the child to you and change and clean the kid after feeding.
      3. Morning childcare is yours. You are doing this already anyway.
      4. When he rolls out of bed at 10-11am, he gets kid duty again until he goes to work. Since he’s working evening shift he will be able to get enough sleep.

      Everything you posted about him just sounds like someone who isn’t getting enough sleep. He’s not lazy because he is nodding off. He is lazy in the sense he has outsourced the management of this to you and isn’t looking for any solutions. That’s great that he doesn’t have sleep apnea. There is a prevailing attitude with some people that sleep is unnecessary and you should do it as little as possible. Maybe take an informal poll about how many hours per night is necessary.

  53. Hooray for Hollywood*

    We’re going to Los Angeles for a long weekend in April. Recommendations for vegetarian-friendly (but not completely vegetarian as my partner is a carnivore) places to eat and fun things to do, specifically in the Santa Monica and Hollywood areas? Or things to avoid?

    We are hoping to get by without renting a car – I’m told by a couple friends who live in the area that this will be something of a PITA but not impossible. I see there is a train system that appears to go at least near some places we were planning on – we’re very comfortable with public transport and understand that our trips will be longer than we’re used to at home, and there’s always Uber and Lyft, right?

    Also – tips on how to get comfortable leaving our kittens for a long weekend, other than “it gets easier with time”? They’ll be 10 months by the time we’re leaving. We’ve already left them for an overnight trip, with a trusted friend looking in on them, but my stomach was in knots the entire time! (They were fine and, I’m told, on their very best behavior. Good kitties!)

    1. The Man, Becky Lynch*

      It doesn’t get easier to leave your kittens behind, my boy is going to be 2 in a few months and after a day, I’m anxious and want to be back with him. :[

      It’s actually more of a PITA to drive in LA than to navigate the transportation systems! Now with Uber/Lyft it’s so unnecessary to try to drive there yourself, as out of towners especially, it takes longer to acclimate to feeling comfortable driving and finding parking!! So I’m glad you’re going that route.

      I wish I had recommendations for you, it’s been so long since I’ve spent real time down there though. I can say that good restaurants that offer great vegetarian options on their menus is easy, so you can rely pretty easily on Yelp to help you out with trying out spots by your hotel wherever that may be.

      1. More Anonymous Than Usual*

        It’s actually more of a PITA to drive in LA than to navigate the transportation systems!

        Interesting perspective. Any tips for public transit in LA?

        1. AvonLady Barksdale*

          We got around using the Metro, buses, and Uber. We stayed in Hollywood for two days and didn’t venture too far afield. We even took the bus to Beverly Hills. I much preferred that to the hassle of renting a car and paying for valet parking everywhere. We ended up doing this because a friend of mine, who lives in Anaheim and lives in LA, recommended it. We’re city people and very comfortable with public transportation, so we found it pretty simple.

          1. Hooray for Hollywood*

            This is good to hear. We too are city people who don’t own a car and take public transport daily. Honestly, from what I’ve heard about LA traffic and parking, renting a car there sonds like hell! I saw there’s a train line that goes through Hollywood, where we’ll likely be staying.

            (BTW, did you like your hotel in Hollywood? We still need to book that.)

            1. AvonLady Barksdale*

              Our hotel in Hollywood was only OK but the price and location were great. We stayed at Mama Shelter on Selma. Then I went back for a work trip and stayed at the W, which is much nicer and only a few blocks away, plus it’s right above the Metro station. Very “happening” hotel bar and a nice pool area. There are some great little restaurants and bars nearby, within walking distance, with plenty of veggie options. My work colleagues and I walked over to Mel’s Diner both mornings we were there simply for the kitsch factor and the decent breakfast, but there are other options.

              One thing I dislike about Hollywood is that Hollywood Blvd is kind of gross. No matter how clean they try to keep it. One morning, one of my co-workers was really badly hungover and I suggested we walk on Sunset to avoid the stench. Weed is legal in LA, and walking down Hollywood, you are well aware of it.

              We didn’t do a whole lot in LA except see a few friends and go out for a very fancy dinner, but we did go to the La Brea tar pits. I think we took the bus there but I know we Uber-ed back because we stopped at Tatsu for ramen. It’s a chain, I believe, but that ramen was gooood. My partner is a vegetarian and I’m not, and we did just fine.

              Unfortunately, we had to skip LACMA (LA County Museum of Art) because it was closed (I think we just tried to hit it on the wrong day), but I’ve heard nothing but great things about it.

              1. Hooray for Hollywood*

                Thanks for the tips! We don’t need a fancy hotel room, just want it to be clean and safe and reasonably priced. I’ve gotten a bit of sticker shock during my preliminary research. Maybe we’ll do AirBNB.

                Weed isn’t legal where I live and I STILL walk through clouds of it regularly, so that’s not all that different from home, haha.

                I definitely want to hit La Brea Tar Pits if we have time!

    2. More Anonymous Than Usual*

      My spouse is a major meat eater, but she still liked Real Food Daily, which I think may even be vegan. Honestly, most restaurants (apart from steakhouses or seafood restaurants) I’ve found to be vegetarian-friendly.

      In terms not renting a car… ugh, I wouldn’t recommend it. But, yeah, you can always Lyft is absolutely necessary.

      We also hate leaving our cats behind, but we take small comfort in setting up kitty cams to watch them remotely. Turns out they do nothing fun while we’re gone (a lot of sleeping, changing positions, and then sleeping more). I like the Nest Dropcams, but they’re very expensive, so I’ve mainly gotten Zencams, which are a lot cheaper.

      1. Hooray for Hollywood*

        Haha, I’ve considered kitty cams just to look in on them when I am at work! Then my partner pointed out that I’d spend all day yelling at the camera, “NOOOOO! Get down! Don’t eat that!” ;)

        My partner is one of those who absolutely must have meat at every meal so an all-veg restaurant is out for him. But, good to know that the area’s veg friendly in general! I expected as much.

    3. Autumnheart*

      What about hiring a cat sitter? I found mine on Angie’s List, and they do a great job. There’s even an app that pet sitters can use, that stores all kinds of information: vet info, vaccination documents, security codes to get in the house, instructions on how to feed appropriately, medications, etc. Notes about pet quirks and behaviors to keep in mind. Just all kinds of stuff! The app also lets the pet sitter send you a text when they’ve completed their visit, along with any updates they have, and they can attach photos. It’s pretty great.

      You could also consider an indoor security camera, so you can look in on them while you’re away.

      1. Hooray for Hollywood*

        We’re trying to keep costs down – I really have no business whatsoever spending money on travel to begin with right now, but, well, I’m tired of putting it off. We have a friend who lives just around the corner and the kitties know her and I trust her. She sent us MANY pictures.

        Honestly, I’d be just as nervous with a paid petsitter, having come home from a day at work several times to find destruction in the house!

    4. CAA*

      It does take patience to use public transit in L.A. It takes about 1.25 hrs to go from Hollywood to Santa Monica by bus (it’s longer by metro), but only 30 to 40 minutes if you drive. So be prepared for that.

      For things to do in Hollywood, the obvious ones are the walk of fame and Chinese theater courtyard. You can get a photo of the Hollywood sign from the Hollywood & Highland mall. They also have behind the scenes tours at the Dolby Theater (where the Oscars are held), which is fun. You can eat at Musso & Frank or Pig ‘N Whistle for a taste of old Hollywood. Vegetarianism is not exactly exotic in Hollywood, so they should have multiple choices for you, but do check the menus first. If you want to do something a little unusual, check and see if Watson Adventures is doing one of their events in the area while you’re there. We’ve done a couple of them and had a lot of fun exploring the area and learning about places while solving some not-too-difficult puzzles.

      1. Hooray for Hollywood*

        Meh, long transport rides don’t bother me. Just the fact that we won’t have to stand there and wait for the bus/train while getting pummeled by snow/ice/below-zero windchills like at home is very exciting to us!

  54. Amber Rose*

    I injured my [expletive] back again and got an emergency appointment with a physiotherapist place near home because mine was booked. Now, I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I tried not to be too dismayed to learn she’s so new, they couldn’t even submit my insurance because her name isn’t registered yet.

    But she asked me the same questions repeatedly, argued with me about what hurt, and gave me a heat pad without a towel on it. If you’ve never used one before, those industrial heat pads sit in boiling water all day. The result of not wrapping a towel around it? My back is burned. Looks like a rectangular sunburn. And she cranked the TENS machine up too fast and all my muscles spasmed painfully hard.

    And doctors get so offended when I say I have white coat syndrome because I’m scared of doctors. :|

    1. Wishing You Well*

      Wow. I think you need to make an official complaint. (and take a photo of your burn, just in case)
      Sorry.

    3. Thursday Next*

      Thirding the advice to document and report. Start with the senior person at the practice.

      Also, see an independent doctor ASAP if you can, to document the injury. This will give you some leverage, if you turn out to need it.

    4. Christy*

      Oh my god what a nightmare!! Also, for any back injury I’ve ever had, heat is contraindicated anyway!!! You’re supposed to use ice for most things. I’d make a complaint to the practice.

      1. November Ring*

        I’m sorry this happened to you. Where do you live that medical personnel can treat you without being registered?

        1. Amber Rose*

          She’s registered as a medical professional, but is so new that she’s not registered with the insurance companies yet.

    6. Thursday Next*

      One follow up question—do you say “I have white coat syndrome” to doctors? Because sometimes I think it’s better to identify your feelings, and say “I’m really nervous at doctor’s visits,” than to name a syndrome. I think some doctors have reactions to what they perceive as self diagnosis.

      If possible, you could consider changing doctors. There are compassionate ones!

      1. Sam Sepiol*

        Haha I only found out that I have white coat syndrome because a doctor told me. I’m presuming that Amber is diagnosed but even if not, I’d be even more anxious if a doctor was annoyed by me saying this.

        I mean, I suspect your advice is right, it just annoys me that it is.

        1. Thursday Next*

          I suspect the doctor that gave you the dx was more patient-friendly than most!

          My comment was intended solely as practical advice. I agree that a doctor dismissive of this statement would deserve some side eye. Unfortunately, sometimes it’s more effective to frame our self-presentation in a doctor-friendly way…

      2. Amber Rose*

        It’s an actual thing on my file though. They haven’t been able to get a real blood pressure reading off me in years. I have to do it myself at home. So when they ask if I have high blood pressure, I have to tell them.

        I have a good doctor but this was the only physiotherapist available that day. Gonna go see my usual one next week.

    7. M&Ms fix lots of Problems*

      Document document doccument! And file a factual complaint with their liscense board/doctor board ASAP!

  55. Call me St. Vincent*

    Peloton bike update. Some of you had asked me to update on use and enjoyment of the Peloton bike after some of the newness wore off. Well it’s been 1.5 months and we still love it! I have ridden about 27 times since we got it. It’s hard with full time work and kids, but I am trying to ride 4 times per week (2x during the week and 2x on the weekend). I still love it so much. I get itchy palms wanting to ride when I can’t! I can update again in a couple of months as well.

    1. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      Was wondering how it was going! I think we are going to dip a toe into this by trying the app first at the gym and then maybe going for the cheap route if it works for us by getting a used spin bike or something. We have little room to park a bit of gym equipment, so I want to make sure its right and will get used before we take the plunge.

      1. Call me St. Vincent*

        I hope you like it! Let me know if you want teacher recommendations :) Apparently they also let you take free trial classes at their showrooms. I wish I knew that before because I think we might have jumped in sooner if we could try it out.

    2. stellaaaaa*

      I’ve been thinking about getting an exercise machine. But my space is a bit limited, especially if it has to be set up near the tv. Is the peloton bigger than a regular exercise bike, and did you have to set it up in a separate room? With any exercise machine, i can’t figure out how to place it so i can see the tv, but still leave space for the couch where we normally sit to watch tv…

      1. Call me St. Vincent*

        It’s actually only 4×6! You will need a little extra space for arm workouts if you do them but it’s actually smaller than many regular exercise bikes. We have ours in the kids playroom. Peloton has a tv sized screen on it so no tv necessary :)

  56. More Anonymous Than Usual*

    Due to a variety of factors, my spouse and I have decided we’re going to be moving from No Cal to So Cal this year. Anyone ever made the San Francisco–to–Los Angeles move? Any tips, either for the moving process itself (Should we use PODS? What are apartment hunting tips?) or for the moving adjustment (cultural differences to be aware of or prepared for)?

    1. CAA*

      Yes, and we welcome you to the dark side! :-)

      More seriously, I do think that there’s less of a cultural difference nowadays than there used to be when we made the move over 30 years ago. We still have family in SF and the surrounding areas, so we’re there several times a year, and I find that the Bay Area has become a lot more like So Cal during the past couple of decades. If you like it there, I think you’ll get comfortable here pretty quickly. It’s still an outdoorsy lifestyle, just that the weather’s a little warmer and usually a little dryer (though this year’s been plenty wet). Most of your neighbors will still be from somewhere else, and there’s just as much ethnic and cultural diversity as you find up north.

      My best advice for apartment hunting is to live near where you work, and before you settle on a place, make sure to test drive the commute both ways during the times you’ll actually be doing it. If this is impossible for some reason, at least look at Google maps during commute times and pinpoint the red areas so you can avoid them. If the two of you work far apart, don’t just decide to split the distance and live halfway between or one of you will probably end up spending three times as long as the other sitting in traffic.

      2. Hellanon*

        Yes, try to live within a reasonable distance of work, but also keep in mind that LA is very neighborhood-y and that you’ll see big differences from place to place (like in the Bay Area as a whole). Do you know where work will be yet?

        1. More Anonymous Than Usual*

          No, not yet. Hoping to secure work for at least one of us before we pick a place to live. Then that may inform where the other tries to find a job.

  57. Where’s my coffee?*

    What do you do when you feel…not depressed but kind of flat? Bored of reading, of travel, of friends, of hobbies. It is a luxurious problem to have, the absence of real problems, and I am certainly grateful. But also somewhat restless or meh.

    1. Call me St. Vincent*

      Can you get back into listening to music that moves you? Sometimes that helps me remember who I am in the face of all the grind of life.

    2. Autumnheart*

      Would it be accurate to say you’re in a rut? I would use that as an excuse to go explore some new things. I basically like to get in the car and get lost on purpose. “Where does this road go?” Just explore an area, maybe eat lunch or dinner somewhere, then drive back.

      1. BugSwallowersAnonymous*

        Seconded! When I’m feeling low-key blah, trying to shake up my routine in whatever way I can helps a lot. Also, this may not be possible right now or even something you want to do, but I know getting a pet sometimes helps people feel more energized and happy, because it makes them feel needed and gives them a reason to get up, go outside, etc.

    3. Not A Manager*

      For me, that feeling usually means that I need more exercise, and that I need a new challenge. Depending on what the rest of my life is like, I’ll try to pick up an old skill (I’m doing needlework again, which I haven’t done in a long time), learn a new skill, or go to a new place.

  58. kc89*

    saw a deal on hellofresh so I signed up for just two meals for one week..can’t hurt and I’m forcing myself to try some new food

    1. Pippa*

      We’ve liked it a lot – a bit more variety and balance in our diet, the meals have been really good, and it’s even a bit of help with calorie and portion control. Also, we don’t throw out as much unused food. Definitely works well for us!

  59. Hosta*

    I’m moving! In May, I’ll be packing up everything I own and going six hours away so I can be closer to my family. The only problem is that I’ve never really moved! Seriously, all my previous apartments (and childhood home) are within walking distance of each other.

    So, please, give me your moving tips and tricks? And share stories of moves that went smoothly, too? People keep telling me about disasters, and I’d be grateful for some reassurance that everything I own won’t end up in a ditch, covered in opossums and fire.

    1. eleanor rigby*

      Have a box called box one or something similar with everything you may need immediately – for me this is toilet roll, my kettle, a mug and a tea bag (I’m in the UK), cat food bowl, cat food itself etc.
      Also – you will need more boxes, more tape and more newspaper/bubble wrap than you think.
      I personally hate packing so I did one or two boxes a week until I moved which made it less of a chore. Sort as you go through – do you really need that thing you bought 5 years ago as a joke? What about those clothes you haven’t worn in a while? etc. Question everything before it goes in a box to be moved and donate/throw away the rest.

      1. That Girl From Quinn's House*

        Yes, this. You’ll also want to pack your valuables and essential papers separately (jewelry, passports, small electronics, banking information) so you can carry them with you, in case the movers lose a box or the truck gets broken into.

        If you and your stuff won’t be traveling together, you’ll need to pack towels, toiletries, bedding/air mattress, and a shower curtain/curtain rings in with your personal stuff so you can sleep and shower after your stuff leaves or before it arrives.

      2. Marion Ravenwood*

        Agree with this. I’d also start by packing up unseasonal stuff first (so for May, assuming it’s winter where you are now that’d be things like heavy jumpers and winter coats) – if you know you won’t want it soon after you move, then it makes sense to pack it away sooner rather than later and make the job of packing feel a bit smaller.

    2. Occasional Baker*

      Seconding the Box One idea, also add any meds or animal needs, and paper plates, cups. Maybe it goes to two boxes, or a box and a duffle. Keep them right with you, don’t pack in a truck. Also, plan to put the bed back together, all the way made with linens as the First thing to do on move in day. Pack at least one towel per person with the bedlinens. This way, at the end of the day when you’re exhausted, the bed is ready to fall into, after you shower using the towels you didn’t have to dig for.

    3. Loopy*

      Cull before you start packing! Dedicate a time to do it or do it over time BEFORE you start packing anything. Even if you feel like you don’t have a lot of unnecessary items around, seeing all your belongings in perspective of someone who has to move helps big time. I threw away so many things I’ve never once missed, years after my moves!

      Having less stuff to move really makes a difference when you can’t go back and forth at your leisure.

      1. lapgiraffe*

        Yes to this! If you have the time, do it thoroughly, get to know the drop off guy at your goodwill by his first name level of purging.

        The other thing I did and was worth every penny was pay someone to pack for me. I only had so much money I could budget to this, so I hired a woman who was starting up her professional organizer business pack up the kitchen (after the great purge, sans Box One items which were either set aside in the another room or label with a post it, like the coffee maker or something) WORTH IT. Not only did it take a huge amount of stress off my shoulders, she did such a great job with the actual packing. I am a big time cook so there was a lot to do, many expensive things in there, and a lot of breakable things. Everything arrived in one piece and masterfully packed.

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Don’t do any boxes labeled “miscellaneous.” Those are the boxes that end up not getting opened for five years. :)

    4. HannahS*

      Oh, my moves have gone ok! More expensive than expected (ugh) I’ve never done long distance like that, though, just an hour away. Some things that I think will apply:
      1) If you’re shipping your stuff separately from you, anything that you can’t stand to lose or have damaged has to come with you in your suitcase. Medication, jewelry, documents, precious knick-knacks, etc.
      2) If you’re selling furniture, start now. If you’re giving it away, start soon.
      3) Cull before you pack. If you’ve ever dreamed of Marie Kondo-ing your place, now’s the time. On a lesser scale, a basic clean-out is a good idea, and good to start now. So, maybe once a week, go through one part of the house more critically. Do you need all of your old textbooks? How much cookware do you have that you don’t use, or have been looking to replace? Do you have a chair that just kind of takes up space?
      4) Similarly, try to stop accumulating stuff between now and then. Anything you buy has to be packed and carried.
      5) Think about the pantry. You’re not going to want to transfer the Costco-quantities of brown rice, lentils, and tomato cans you bought optimistically a year and a half ago (I’m talking to myself, here), so start using them up.

    5. Extra Vitamins*

      Do not label any box “miscellaneous.” If you do, there will somehow be 47 of them at the other end.

      Remember books are heavy. Use small boxes and don’t fill them with books (put cushions or other light things for the rest of the box.)
      Canned goods are heavy – the cost of moving them might not be worth it.

    6. gecko*

      It’s going to be stressful, but that doesn’t mean it’s going wrong!

      Using a pod can be helpful, but the permits can be some trouble—and they’re often not much cheaper than an actual moving truck/company. But, if you have a big gap between move-out and move-in it could be worth it.

      If you’re looking at a moving company, make sure to read a bunch of yelp reviews, and make sure to tip :) Make sure your timing is a little flexible, too; if you have to absolutely move out 10AM Sunday, don’t schedule them for 9AM Sunday.

      All my moves have gone quite smoothly. I’ve used Pods, moving companies, etc. I’ve also rented a truck and driven it! It’s all been completely stressful and it’s all turned out fine with enough advance planning.

    7. Anono-me*

      Always choose the first appointment of the day, whether you are hiring movers, loaders or just renting a truck. You don’t want to be stuck waiting around if someone else has a delay.

      1. Anono-me*

        And make sure you have a roll of TP and several light bulbs easily available as soon as you get to your new home.

        Previous homeowners not only packed up the TP and the TP roller, they also packed up the light bulbs, so in the dark, I didn’t realize that there was no TP. (Thankfully I had tissues in my purse.)

    8. Jane*

      Seconding all the “important stuff” advice. But here is my moving tip: gather belongings that can also function as packing material. Think linens, pillows, towels, etc. Don’t pack these in separate boxes–use them to cushion boxes of other stuff. I definitely packed my pillows and framed pictures in the same box last time I moved. Also works to pack oddly shaped stuff–put the strangely shaped thing in the box, and tuck the blanket around it. I even wrapped my electric piano in several blankets, then placed cardboard on the bottom and top, and wrapped the whole thing in my under rug pad!

      This saves on bubble wrap AND boxes.

      Good luck! I’m a weirdo who actually enjoys moving….

    9. Llellayena*

      Free boxes:
      Barnes and noble: obviously good for books and in general are a good size for “easy” carrying. Talk to a manager about a week ahead of when you need them so they can tell you when they’ll have the empties.
      Michael’s arts and crafts: the framing department has boxes that are designed/shaped for framed art, again ask ahead so they set some aside before they’re crushed.
      Liquor stores: kitchen packing! The divided boxes are great for glasses, utensils, tall narrow things that can break.

      Invest in good packing tape.

      1. Cindy Featherbottom*

        +1
        Also, your local grocery store. Give them a bit of notice because their naturally going to flatten all of the boxes and send them back to be recycled. If you let a manager know, you’ll end up with more boxes than you know what to do with. Let them know if you want some that haven’t been broken down already though and what sizes you are looking for. The one kind you dont want is paper towel boxes. They always have weird gaps in the top/bottom and dont really close. You may be able to get some free bubble wrap too if youre lucky.

    10. Reba*

      My moving tips are:

      It is worth it to get the good boxes. Not the liquor store boxes. U-haul boxes. Used once is fine, and many rental places (presuming US) have free used boxes. More smaller boxes is better.

      If you have renter’s insurance, see if your policy will cover your stuff while it’s being moved.

      Pay for movers at your destination if you can.

      The purging advice is key. Let me tell you how glad I was to discover that I had moved a box of decade old Wired magazines across several time zones.

      If you are packing a truck or pod yourself, do a little research on tying stuff down. Get help and take breaks while loading! I find that part of packing mentally fun (Tetris!) But beware physical exhaustion especially since you’re also traveling pretty far.

      I have moved many times, crossing the country 3.5 times total! I’ve done just me in my station wagon, pods, rental trucks. You can do this!

    11. Mail Carrier*

      Set an alarm on your phone to go off about the time you go to bed so you can find the phone at least once a day, and to be sure it hasn’t ended up in a box.

      Put your keys and wallet in the same place every time you go home (like a kitchen drawer you’ve already emptied). On the day of the move, if you’re driving, put your wallet under the seat and attach keys to your belt loop with a carabiner.

      Most moves go smoothly. There will be a bump or two but nothing insurmountable. Mostly you’ll be running out to buy packing tape – again! – at 10:00 PM, because that’s always when it runs out. You got this!

    12. M&Ms fix lots of Problems*

      Make a master list that lives with you. Number each box or furniture piece and write a label/discription on your list. Label each box with what room at your new place it will be going to.
      When you get to your new place have labeled signs for the name of each room. Put the furniture on one wall, boxes on the other wall and unpack one room at a time. A little organization goes a very long way when you move.
      Personally I unpack my kitchen, then my bedroom/bathroom. Food and sleep are my two top priorities. Once I had kids, it went kids rooms, kitchen, my bedroom.

  60. Loopy*

    So, I made a cupcake bouquet! It was a really great first attempt and I was quite proud (yes, I did show it off, yes it is on my baking Instagram if anyone would like the name, haha). But people are starting to say I should start selling stuff. Now this is NOT a question about going into business/start my own business because I 100% do not want to. BUT, has anyone ever done a kind of super informal word of mouth selling of things?

    I like the idea of having a way to bake without feeling like I need to figure out how to get rid of what I bake (the main draw), and to be honest, I’m flattered as all get out people would even consider paying for something I made and it’s going to my head. But it also sounds like a potential recipe for trouble if I don’t have insurance, licensing, certifications- and at that point it seems like a lot of work for not wanting to actually go into business.

    Has anyone managed to do this casually/informally? Or with food making is it all or nothing? I’d really just like the occasional way to bake for others and I don’t have a huge social circle/local family to bake for.

    1. Shirazee*

      Doing it informally is less stressful and also you don’t need to comply with codes and regulations. I’d leave it with doing it for friends and family if and when you want to, but be able to say no if you don’t. My niece’s friend does that… mostly for moms who want to take stuff to the school but don’t have time. It’s a good gig for a little extra money.

      1. Loopy*

        My problem is I don’t have close friends and family-or I’d agree, that’s the ideal situation. For example, it’s been people asking if I seel like someone at work asking about it for someone they know, or my fiance’s coworker asking, so at least so far it’s always been people a few levels removed who are interested :( I just don’t have closer friends and family near me where it’s easy to do it casually.

    2. Occasional Baker*

      I have, cakes most usually. It’s only word of mouth, and many times if people ask if the should suggest me, I say, thanks anyway. I have no issues declining things that are too involved or don’t fit my schedule. That’s the thing, people often want fabulous involved stuff, but don’t actually want to pay for it, having no concept of how much time the thing they are asking for. So, basically, there are a few people whose requests I find a way to do, and some I do for referred strangers because it seems like a fun project I’d like to try. But I can’t quite get over the stress that my execution won’t be someone’s vision, and all the fallout from that. So, no more wedding cakes, ever!

      1. Loopy*

        Yes, I’m torn about that too. I’m years away from being able to do wedding cakes but I feel like doing themes things for a kids birthday is a chance to have some fun with baking. But yeah, it’s hard to be like “I want to bake things for people because fun projects!” And of course, “oh my gosh I dont want to deal with it if this doesn’t come out right!”

        1. Occasional Baker*

          My two wedding cakes were 1) a subtle two layer six inches wide buttercup am and minimal deco plus about 100 cupcakes with royal icing flowers (2002) and 2) a “naked” fruit topped five tiers of two layers in 2017. It stressed me out so badly I said never again. I have done a fair few kids birthday cakes, and baby showers. Kids cakes are a bit more forgiving, but the Internet has made it a double edged sword….so many cool ideas for us to try to copy! And for people to compare to. :(
          That’s why I limit what I’ll do. I either have to know the person well enough to know they’ll accept what I produce, or for more distant connections, the cake concept needs to be something I know I can nail, spot on. Also, if you OFFER the cake, like as your gift, it removes most of that stress, as well ( still have a little “hope the bake is good!” stress)
          If you just want to practice up techniques, check if your local fire dept. would accept donated baked goods. Then you can pass it off to people who deserve a nice treat!

    3. Wishing You Well*

      Make sure you know what the laws are for operating a “casual” food business in your area. Also, would your personal insurance cover you if someone claims you made them sick? Food is heavily regulated and your liability could be very high. Consider growing your Instagram following and selling recipes or baking techniques online. That would avoid a lot of the pitfalls of selling food directly.
      Regardless of your decision, I hope you have a brilliant 2019!

      1. Loopy*

        This is exactly my concern. If I’m not providing food to family and friends, the thought of issues like these scares the bejeebus out of me.

    4. Vancouver Reader*

      I saw it and it’s beautiful!

      I don’t know about where you live, but where I am, people have been selling foodstuffs on FB’s marketplace, and most of them don’t say anything about making their food in regulated kitchens or anything. I don’t know how their sales are, but would that be a possibility?

  61. A.N. O'Nyme*

    The last transmission to Opportunity was Billie Holiday’s “I’ll be seeing you”. I am unable to handle this information due to the presence of onion ninjas.

    1. Call me St. Vincent*

      I heard that Opportunity’s last words back to NASA were “my battery is low and it is getting dark.” So many onions….

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        There’s also an adorable comic of Death coming for Oppy (yes, they nicknamed it “Oppy”) and Oppy asking “Was I a good Rover?”
        Death responds “No. I am told you were the best.”

      2. The Ginger Ginger*

        I think it was actually a data read out of battery levels and environmental light readings. So the quote is more of a poetic interpretation of that information and not a direct quotation of what transmission said. So it’s both accurate and inaccurate at the same time :)

        1. A.N. O'Nyme*

          Yeah, if I understand it correctly Opportunity went into “hibernation” due to an upcoming sandstorm and when it no longer responded when the storm was over (November last year, I believe) they thought maybe sand was covering its solar panels, but when it didn’t respond even after wind would’ve blown the sand off is when they decided to formally end the mission.

    2. Jean (just Jean)*

      Yup. Thinking of that itty bitty rover all alone in the dark in outer space (well, on another planet but a gazillion miles away from the rest of us)…
      sniff. sniff.

    5. Environmental Compliance*

      My husband was very, very confused on why I was curled up in my chair, wrapped in a blanket, bawling my eyes out. Then very entertained. “It’s a robot, EC! Just a robot!” “BUT THEY’RE CUTE AND HAVE LITTLE PERSONALITIES AND IT WAS GOING DARK AND THEY PLAYED HIM A SONG! *sobs*”

      I both hugely want and don’t want a movie bringing in the little robits and also Wall-E where him and Eva go on a mission to find them and bring them back for a hero’s welcome because oh my gawd it’d be so damn cute but also I’d cry the entire damn movie.

  62. Sparkly Librarian*

    It’s Dumpster Weekend! (Technically, I was unable to rent a roll-off dumpster, without an annual contract, BUT I have a folding Bagster and a junk pickup scheduled. They can move furniture and say they’ll even empty out the Bagster so I can reuse it.) 4-day weekend to clear out at least the house. Might get to the garage as well, but more likely that’ll wait for a couple months.

    2. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      You go! I’m listing things as cheaply as I can on craigslist and marketplace (FB) so that people will come take them. Bagster/Dumpster is last stop. Feel so good, doesn’t it?

  63. Call me St. Vincent*

    Does anyone have experience with European baby formula? My babe is approaching 9 months and I would like to increase my flexibility by supplementing with formula so I can stop pumping 5x a day (you read that right…..sigh). I am ordering some Hipp UK brand. I understand from all the mommy blogs that the “best” one is generally considered to be the Dutch Hipp but my husband and I are not comfortable having the instructions on the box be in a language we don’t understand. Baby formula has to be mixed just right or you can really do some damage so I am too nervous having it be on the box in a different language. I’m interested to hear people’s experiences. I am based in the US.

      1. Call me St. Vincent*

        Thanks! it’s honestly more of a concern that it isn’t from the company directly and even so not on the actual packaging. It might be silly but just makes us nervous!

    2. Lilysparrow*

      Just curious, because this is something I never heard of, what is the appeal of ordering formula internationally over the formula available in the US?

      1. Call me St. Vincent*

        The EU regulations mean they can’t use a lot of stuff that’s in US formula. A lot of stuff that is banned in Europe is actually in even organic formula in the US. I don’t think either market is perfect, but it’s a little better in Europe from what I have read. I used organic US formula when I supplemented with my daughter who is now almost 4, but now it’s much easier to get European formula. There are a lot of wholesalers in the US and it’s much easier to find. Even a couple of years ago, you had to go through an importer and deal with the possibility you could run out and have serious delays getting more (or you could have also used eBay which I wouldn’t do).

        1. Lilysparrow*

          Oh good lord. Buying baby formula from eBay? People do that?

          For *safety*?

          I’m leery of buying electronics on eBay, much less food.

          1. Call me St. Vincent*

            Yeah talk about cognitive dissonance on that one (insert crying face from laughing emoji)!

    3. Lemonwhirl*

      Hello! I’m in Ireland and fed my baby Aptamil. I had to supplement him from the beginning because my milk supply was never fantastic. The lactation consultant in the maternity hospital recommended Aptamil because she said it was the easiest to digest/closest to breastmilk. My lil guy did great with it and is now an active, healthy, and happy 8 years old. :)

      I don’t know what the criteria for “the best” is, but my advice is try not to worry about it too much. I mean, of course, follow the directions on the box. But try not stress about every ingredient or whether the thing is “the best”. You love your kid and you’re doing everything you can for them – that’s got to be the best.

      1. Call me St. Vincent*

        Thanks! That doesn’t seem to be one of the ones available here in the US. We seem to have only Hipp, Holle and Leibenswert (might be spelling that wrong…) and then some goat milk formulas like NannyGoat.

  64. HannahS*

    Balcony gardeners:
    I dream of growing tomatoes in a pot on my balcony, and I need advice. Here are some variables I need to juggle:
    -I’m a medical student (read: unpredictable schedule) and while I can always water early in the morning, I can’t always water in the afternoon. What can I do to keep my plants hydrated in a hot summer?
    -I have zero supplies and am willing to throw money into getting the best (i.e. least amount of work for me) soil. What should I look for? I have no issues buying inorganic/pre-fertilized.
    -I prefer small fruits (cherry-sized or thereabouts), but no preference as to colour.
    -I will have to take my plant with me on elective in other cities over the course of the summer, and I think a plant that doesn’t need staking will be easiest to transport, but I could be wrong. Thoughts?

    1. Not All*

      -Buy SoilMoist Water Holding Crystals (yes, they really really do expand as much as they say in the label! pre-soak them before mixing into your potting mix rather than mixing dry…it’s hard to get the ratio right if you mix them dry)
      -any good quality potting soil is fine. I usually get the all purpose MiracleGrow bag at Costco
      -a foam-walled pot will provide insulation from the heat of the sun on the roots through pot walls…bonus they are cheaper & lighter if you do need to move it. Get something bigger than you think you need though!
      -pretty much anything that will produce all summer long (indeterminate types) will need to be staked/caged…most of the “patio” varieties are determinates that produce in a single flush & then are done for the season. “Patio Paste” is one exception I know of…it’s a nice size fruit too; small enough to ripen quickly & be good for salads but big enough you can slice one for a sandwich.I personally like Sungolds for a cherry, but the plants do get pretty big! Your best bet will probably be to read tags at local nurseries and look for “indeterminate” with “patio”
      -Tomatoes actually produce much better flavor when they aren’t overwatered so you’re good there!

      (and dangit…I’ve got total spring fever…I know in my head I need to wait another 2-3 weeks before starting my seeds but I’m ready NOW!)

      1. HannahS*

        Aha, that’s good to know! I didn’t know that only indeterminate types produce all summer, because I definitely want to be kept in tomatoes all summer long. Hm. Maybe I’ll just deal with the inconvenience.

      2. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

        Look up global buckets or earthbox systems on YouTube. We get fab results from our tomatoes. There is a water reservoir and no weeding!
        We’ve grown 3 kinds of tomatoes, cucumbers, eggplant, chilies, etc, on our tiny patio. We’ve just gotten a plot in the community garden and it will be mostly the buckets.

    2. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      How long will you be away each time? I’m not sure moving your plants will be all that successful, but if it’s for a week or so at a time wick watering might be sufficient. Basically all you need is a large container of water and some soft, absorbent string to use as a wick for the plant to draw in water. I haven’t tried it myself since we get a lot of rain here but I’ve heard good things about this method.

      1. HannahS*

        Unfortunately it’ll likely three two-weeks placements, all in a row, in different places in August. I certainly could see myself wick watering if I’m away at other points over a weekend, though!

    3. Tris Prior*

      Honestly, I usually only water my tomatoes once a day and they’ve done fine.

      Transporting plants is going to be difficult – in my experience even the determinate (supposedly smaller) dwarf varieties can get bigger than expected, though not as big as indeterminate bigger plants. Last summer I grew a variety called “Little Bites” in a container and it stayed pretty small, like maybe 2 feet?

      1. HannahS*

        Hm, it’s sounding like I’m going to end up with larger plants that I imagined! I’m trying to imagine how on Earth I’m going to transport them.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      You might like to check out Gardener’s Supply out of Burlington Vt.
      They have tomato kits for patios and the set up includes self watering.
      I see one kit that has a planter on wheels.
      I went to the site, clicked on planters and raised beds. Then pots and planter then tomato planters.

    5. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

      Ohh, almost forgot! If you’re in So Cal check out Tomatomania. We try to get our plants from them every year. They grow, it seems, hundreds of varieties and take them to nurseries all over SO Cal. We have never been disappointed.
      Tomatomnia dot com for a listing of events. <3

    6. Extra Vitamins*

      Tomato plants can be pruned, although you have to pay attention to where the flowers are. Also, if you break off a branch in transport, you can often grow that into a new plant.

      1. HannahS*

        Pruned? You mean so that they’ll grow less tall? Would they then spend their energy growing me more tomatoes? Because I’d be fine with that :)

        1. Extra vitamins*

          I don’t actually know. I’ve just cut them back if they are getting unwieldy. I usually get a good amount of tomatoes.

    7. Khlovia*

      Google “growing tomatoes upside down” and see whether this might adapt to the needs of a traveling tomato.

      Try a semi-indeterminate cultivar like Litt’l Bites Tiny Cherries (don’t ask me why they spelled it with an apostrophe) or Stupice; less likely to get all viney and leggy.

  65. Crystal Smith*

    I posted a few months ago about moving to be closer to work, and I just got an application approved on a new apartment! My commute is going to be less than 20 minutes on public transit, compared to 75-90 minutes right now. I’m not moving for a couple months, but one of the things I’m enjoying right now is trying to imaging what I’m even going to DO with all that extra time! So, if you were to suddenly find yourself with an extra 1.5-2 hours a day, what would you do with them?

          1. Cindy Featherbottom*

            Seconding this. Grab an awesome cup of tea and enjoy being outside for a while (both of my jobs are very much inside all. dang. day.). Plus the weather is *starting* to slowly get nicer and more enjoyable. Also, a good read of some kind.

        2. Marion Ravenwood*

          Thirding sleep. I recently cut half an hour off my commute by moving jobs, and whilst it’s not much it’s lovely to have an extra hour in bed most mornings!

    2. Loopy*

      That’s AMAZING. Sometimes just having the flexibility to make plans that is a huge improvement. You could start a gym routine or take after work classes in literally anything- but first I’d just enjoy having the free time and see how much of it you actually feel the need to formally fill.

  66. Holy thumping Hanukkah balls*

    Unbelievable.

    1. My computer refused to function last night and this morning. It’s getting old; whatever; it’s past time to replace it (or at least turn it into a backup). I panic, call my mom, who agrees to help me out (of course I will pay her back as soon as I’m working). She suggests Office Depot. Fine; first I have my Buddhist group. Everything is so icy because of the storm yesterday that I’m late. -_-

    2. One of my wipers froze to the windshield and broke COMPLETELY off. Of course it was the driver’s side. -_-

    3. After group, no one wants to go to coffee because everything is still solid ice. So I go to Office Depot to look for a computer. I find a laptop that isn’t too expensive (HP, meh)–they only have one, the display model. Fine, that will do. Call mum. She does it by phone.

    4.I go to the deli for *crappy* food while I’m waiting for the transaction to go through. On the way there, I fall on the ice and re-injure the hamstring I previously pulled the last time I skated. -_-

    5. I get home with a new computer in the box and guess what? The demon spawn laptop is working again. -_-

    A friend who lives in England is visiting her family and invited me to a pizza party later. I will be present at this party; nothing is going to stop me; this will literally be the highlight of my day.

    1. Jean (just Jean)*

      Hey, at least now you have two computers!
      Enjoy the pizza party. Walk carefully on the (^&%$@ deleted) ice.
      I’m gonna ask the universe to send you some better experiences (not counting the pizza party, or your mom’s help w/ the computer). In the meantime, good vibes. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      1. Holy thumping Hanukkah balls*

        Thank you! Just tell it to give me everything I asked for, all at once. LOL

        I had a lovely time at my friend’s. I got lost twice on the way there; it’s a bit tricky, as her parents live in the boonies, and I’ve only been there once. Also, I managed to snap the wiper back on (it was the squeegee part that broke off). It won’t stay forever, but it functioned well enough to get me back home, which was fortunate since it started drizzling again.

        The other good thing is that I didn’t break anything when I fell. I’ve dealt with a pulled hamstring before. I’ll be fine. The same thing happened to my dad, but he’s 82 and a tweaked hamstring is more difficult for him (he’s doing okay). I, on the other hand, have Wolverine-like healing powers, haha.

    2. LibbyG*

      It strikes me as funny that this exceedingly aggravating series of events kind of centered around a Buddhist group meeting.

      But, seriously, I hope you heal quickly and that your road smooths out soon.

  67. StudentA*

    Losing weight from walking.
    How realistic is it? Anyone on here been successful with it?
    Running and jogging are not in the cards for me.

    1. Shirazee*

      For me, it’s more about what I am eating. I have walked a min of 10K steps a day on average 5 times a week for a long time and see little difference. When I cut out sugar though.. I did see a difference. Then I cut out grains and saw an even bigger difference. I think you need to move, so walking is good. But to lose weight, it will likely take more than that.

      1. StudentA*

        Yeah, when I’ve lost weight in the past, it’s been through calorie reduction. But everyone is telling me to pair that with exercise and walking is the only thing I don’t hate.

        1. valentine*

          It can work, especially if you have a near-daily routine. (If you do it under the Mediterranean sun, that will help.) If you can swim or walk in a pool, that might be a good place to start.

    2. blaise zamboni*

      It can’t hurt! I agree with Shirazee that it’s more about your diet. I suggest, in addition to cutting out the obvious “bad” stuff from your diet, that you look into Intermittent Fasting as that did a lot of good for me. It can be a rough transition but once you’ve got the routine established, it is really effective.

      But walking is great! If nothing else, it helps combat bloating and muscle atrophy. If your choices are “sit until work and eat the same diet” or “walk before/after work and eat the same diet”, the latter will be much, much better for you. Plus, depending on where you live, going for walks can be extremely mentally fulfilling. Lately I’ve been walking in the local park near my office and feeling good about seeing and recognizing all of the bird species–it’s a silly thing, but it reminds me that most people see my worth in my knowledge and passion, instead of in my body. So I’m getting exercise that is definitely good for my body, but also absorbing the idea that my passions are valid and worthwhile regardless of what I look like.

      I am also an avid hiker, but my hikes are ultimately just “walking, but less conveniently.” And that does a world of good for my body and self-esteem. Bottom line is, yes, if you’re comfortable and able to walk, it will help you—you might need to do other things to lose weight, but walking is never bad for you. So maybe make it a habit and see how you’re feeling in a month?

      I hope this form of exercise gets you to where you want to be–you can do it! Good luck!

    3. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I agree with Shirazee. I also think a lot depends on your current situation; if at the moment you’re pretty stationary and don’t walk more than a thousand steps a day or so, then increasing walking will be a great step in the right direction. If, however, you’re already fairly active, increasing your steps will be great for your health but won’t necessarily lead to weight loss. You have to make diet adjustments too.

      I know some people who started walking from doing nothing and lost a bunch of weight at first but then plateaued pretty quickly. For me personally, I walk a ton (at least two miles of exercise walking every day since I have a dog), and while it’s probably kept my weight in check, I have definitely struggled because of diet.

    4. The Other Dawn*

      Losing weight is more about diet and nutrition than it is exercise. Exercise is more for keeping the body fit and being able to move easier. I’d say do the walking in order to move, but pay much more attention to diet.

      1. TL -*

        Exercise has all kinds of health benefits besides being fit, especially if you’re overweight or obese. It can lower the chances of diabetes, heart disease, metabolic disorder, and certain types of cancer, helps the immune system and circulatory system, and of course the musculoskeletal system as well as enhancing mood. Exercise, plain old mild to moderate go for a walk every day or so exercise, is really, really good for you.

        That’s without any diet or weight change (or even with weight gain!).

        But yes, losing weight is mostly a dietary thing.

        1. The Other Dawn*

          Oh, I know. It’s helped me quite a but with my back pain. If I wasn’t working out, I’d be in a lot more pain than I’m in now.

    5. Wishing You Well*

      Great comments above. Whatever you do, keep walking. Everyone needs to keep moving – and Good Luck!

    6. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I read an article recently that pointed out – exercise is good for many health factors, but barring medical issues and looking strictly at a calories in vs calories out perspective, an individual can control 100% of their calories in but only a portion of their calories out. Also, I can go out and walk a mile and burn 90 calories, but that’s two Hershey kisses, a tablespoon of salad dressing, or less than an ounce of cheese. It’s not impossible – I lost 35 pounds using walking as my only exercise – but I was also on a strict calorie monitoring eating plan and walking 2 hours a day because I was training for a long-distance multi-day fundraising walk. Walking by itself will give you some health benefits, but isn’t a one-shot wonder for weight loss.

    7. Mephyle*

      Realistic, if in turn, you are realistic about the fact that intake counts for much more than output in weight loss. This is because if you rely on exercise to lose weight you can get off track in just seconds because you can undo all the calorie burn of a long exercise session with a few mouthfuls of a calorie-dense food.
      It’s a common mistake to think that you can eat a little more because you’re compensating it with exercise. This goes for intense exercise as well as with walking. But the calorie consumption from walking is lower per unit time than a more intense exercise, so you have to be even more careful. Exercise is good for you, and walking is great. But it’s better to concentrate on the effects on your fitness level than to depend on it for weight loss.

    8. HannahS*

      Maybe. Here are some (very) approximate numbers. If I want to lose one pound a week, I have to have a calorie deficit of 3500. That’s 500 calories less a day, either not consumed, or consumed through exercise. I burn about 250 calories in an hour-long brisk walk. So, personally, I’d have to take a two hour brisk walk, daily, to lose one pound a week. That’s not realistic for me, but if I wanted to lose half a pound a week, a daily hour-long brisk walk would do it. And that’s nothing to sneeze at, because it’s 25 pounds a year. If I cut that down to half an hour, it’s 12 pounds a year. You’d put on muscle, though, so it’ll be in actually less of a numbers loss, but it’s still fat loss.

      On top of that, it is certainly possible to have a big impact on your fitness level with just walking. Moving from zero exercise, to 20 minute leisurely strolls, to hour-long power walks (with hills!) over time would make a difference to your overall health. So it’s worth a try.

    9. lapgiraffe*

      Depending on how much weight you have to lose and how active you are now, you might have some minimal luck in the beginning just from the change from sedentary to not so sedentary. And I’ll agree with the others here that I see results from diet, much much less from working out. HOWEVER I’ve read before and can personally attest that you’re more likely to make healthy food choices after exercising. I started purposefully walking more probably four years ago and it was definitely a gateway drug to better eating, better mood, and getting me into more and more exercise. If you get out there and put in enough walking to feel accomplished, it really does change the way you see food, you want to do right by you body, and you want to start fueling yourself better. You’ll also feel it if you eat really poorly and then go for a walk and feel like crap, the activity changes your relationship with food (hopefully!) in a good way, which eventually leads to weight loss and better overall health.

    10. Lilysparrow*

      Can you walk hills?

      A couple of friends each lost a noticeable amount of weight after changing their walking routes to hilly terrain. It creates an “interval training” experience without having to speed up.

    11. Elizabeth West*

      I have done it–but you cannot out-exercise a bad diet. So you’ll need to make sure you’re eating healthy foods and not overeating.

      I have a cookie habit so it’s hard, LOL.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        “you cannot out-exercise a bad diet”

        This is a great way to put it. I work out five days a week, but my eating is garbage right now so all it’s doing is helping me not gain weight, and I’m definitely starting to lean towards a little weight gain. I’m hoping to get my eating back on track in the next few weeks.

        1. anony*

          That IS a good way to put it. I’ll add it to my other mantra of “lose weight in the kitchen, gain weight (muscle) in the gym”.

    12. KR*

      Not just walking but hiking is exercise I really enjoy. It uses lots of different muscles in your body and you have to use your mind. It is satisfying and you come back from it a little dirty in my experience which is nice.

    13. Asenath*

      I think both watching what you eat and exercise are important. A friend of mine lost a lot of weight, and has been keeping it off for some years, with that method – and the exercise she does is walking. She does it outdoors, every day (barring really horrific weather; for ordinary nasty weather, she dresses appropriately).

      I don’t do as well, but then, I don’t watch my intake or exercise as carefully as she does. I do feel that I do better if I do some regular exercise – walking in warm weather (OK, I’m a bit of a wimp and don’t walk in bad weather, and walking tracks bore me to tears), or water aerobics. I don’t do anything that’s tough on the joints.

    14. Slartibartfast*

      I’m going to be the contrary one. I only lose weight when I exercise, and walking 3 miles a day is the best way for me to lose. But I already eat fairly healthy and cutting back beyond 1500 calories triggers headaches and other issues.

      1. Lilysparrow*

        I’m with you. Without exercise, my body goes into hibernation mode no matter what I eat or don’t eat.

    15. Marion Ravenwood*

      I walk home from work a lot in the summer, and whilst I don’t think it necessarily helps with weight loss I do think it helps me feel ‘better’ in myself – I sleep better, have more energy, and it does wonders for my IBS in terms of feeling less bloated etc. So I’d say it’s definitely better than nothing.

    16. MissDisplaced*

      Yes. But remember walking is just a part of an overall weight loss plan. You need to include some type of weight/resistance exercises (to build muscle tone) and have a realistic eating plan.
      The walking is a great way to start though!

      If you need a low-impact exercise, I’d also suggest swimming or water aerobics.

    17. MindOverMoneyChick*

      Easting really does make the biggest difference. Exercise has to be pretty significant to produce results without a diet change. But walking will make you feel better and has health benefits.

    18. Marthooh*

      Walking has three benefits, as I see it: you burn up some calories ( just a few); you get the health benefits of exercise; and if you ever eat out of boredom, walking gives you an alternative to that.

    19. The Man, Becky Lynch*

      I took off over 60lbs by walking.

      But you have to measure your steps and make sure you’re really into it. I was doing 15,000 steps a day.

  68. HarveyW*

    Glad to have a good (thing we don’t talk about today) but seriously annoyed about my taxes this year. In the past, I usually get some back. Not a lot… I plan it that way. This year, even taking into consideration the $2200 less they took out during the year, I owe a net of $2500 to the fed.

    1. StellaBella*

      I am so sorry. There are a number of personal stories like this on various news and political blog sites online and one comment ore more I have seen here too on AAM). One of the things I read recently was this explainer on tax rates vs tax refunds and the issues here:
      “There are two things going on here, and it’s important to separate them out. Yes, a great many people are getting smaller refunds this year… In the rush to implement the bill mid-year … the IRS withholding rates were changed after the old withholding guidelines had already gone out to employers. The new rates were lower…and … the net result is that millions of Americans are going to get noticeably lower tax refunds—because they’ve already gotten their “refund” spread out through the last year. So …. These taxpayers aren’t actually losing any money. They’re just losing the lottery-style payout of a refund caused by their employers holding back too much of their paychecks throughout the rest of the year. The fiscally ideal tax refund would, for each taxpayer, be very close to zero. You don’t want to hand over extra money to the government in the form of an interest-free loan, after all—better to keep it in your own pocket. The psychological effects of losing those expected refunds, however, are at this point quite famous. Americans resent not getting that lottery-style payment each year; many Americans budget with the expectation they will be getting between a few hundred and a few thousand dollars back as a lump-sum payment, something that they can then use as “forced savings” to go out and do home repairs, car repairs, or other pricy one-offs. Losing it unexpectedly makes them steamed. That’s part one. But part two, what millions of Americans are now facing as cold reality, is that they are indeed going to owe a lot more in taxes this year….”

      1. HarveyW*

        Yes, I saw that and so I deducted the difference in withholding for 2018. Because I had about $2200 less withheld and in my pocket across the year, the amount I have to pay nets out to about $2500 (I am actually writing a check for $4700)… But yeah ugh…

        1. CAA*

          Sounds like you are in the 5% of taxpayers who got hit with a tax increase from the “Tax Cuts & Jobs Act”. I am in that group with you. I calculated this out at the end of 2017 and figured we’d pay about $4K more in tax for 2018. It ended up that our income and investments changed a bit and we were able to contribute to HSAs, so the total increase is more like $2K, and we paid it throughout the year so we’re not facing a big bill now. It’s still annoying when something called a tax cut ends up being a tax increase though.

      2. anony*

        “The psychological effects of losing those expected refunds”

        Sounds similar to the ‘psychological effects’ of not getting a well paying job when everyone told you college was the way. Maybe we need to add “You’ll always get a tax refund” to the list of bad advice well-meaning parents tell their kids, along with unusable education/job seeking advice for today’s world.

    2. Wishing You Well*

      I read the AVERAGE tax refund will be 8% smaller than last year. That doesn’t sound like good news to me.

      1. fposte*

        That’s mostly because withholdings were rejigged, though, not because people paid more tax overall.

    3. Rebecca*

      I’m going to get my taxes done sooner rather than later, since I got divorced, I did increase withholding during late summer last year. I’m probably going to owe, it’s just a matter of how much. Sighs. I just want to know sooner rather than later to I can get the money together.

      2. Dan*

        I set things up so I owe. My ex didn’t want to work, and on my income, the difference in tax owed as married filing jointly and single is about $5k. The year I got married, I was withholding as a single, and my divorce took longer than expected, so there was a year I withheld as single but could file married filing jointly.

        The last year, ex decided to default on her student loans, so my $5k refund got snagged. I eventually got it, but damn that was stressful. So now I always plan to owe. I budget for this, so it’s not a shocker.

    4. Melody Pond*

      This thread inspired me – I got my taxes done tonight! First time filing jointly with Mr. Pond!

      Like you, HarveyW, we also owed money, where previously (when we were each filing individually) we’d normally get refunds. So, solidarity. :(

      Also, it was annoyingly difficult to deal with TurboTax’s set up, when it came to entering last year’s *state* tax refund. I had to search for help on how to enter it – TurboTax is not at all set up to deal with the fact that last year Mr. Pond and I would have both filed single, and he itemized where I had taken the standard deduction. :-/

    5. Maya Elena*

      So we’ve always had issues with TurboTax not giving as big a refund as other softwares. Aybe we’ve been using it wrong, but it may be worth trying another one?

      1. M&Ms fix lots of Problems*

        DH and I have done turbo tax two times (never connected) and had problems both times. Last year was problem two and got our state return audited…..never again. We went to a (insert name here) store on Wednesday and got our taxes done because between new laws and job changes things were complicated. We will get a small refund on both sides.

  69. Lynne879*

    I’m almost done with my Game of Thrones audiobook! Only 3 more hours to go!

    What audiobooks do you guys recommend? I’m very picky with the narrator’s voice. I really like Roy Dotrice as the narrator in Game of Thrones. I’m open to both fiction & non-fiction books.

    1. CatCat*

      I really loved the narrator for Ken Follett’s historical novels. Check out The Pillars of the Earth, World Without End, and the Century Trilogy.

    2. Cruciatus*

      Trevor Noah’s Born a Crime. He reads his own book and it’s amazing. You get to hear him speak multiple languages, use multiple accents. It’s a great book and even better as an audiobook.

    3. Lady Jay*

      I second Born a Crime; Noah is a fantastic narrator! I recently finished Michelle Obama’s Becoming; she does the audio herself, and while long, it was a great read. The Disappearing Spoon is a fun science-oriented read as well, though I have no memory of how well the reader narrated.

    6. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I really enjoy audiobooks narrated by George Guidall. (I think he’s passed now, the stuff of his that I have is all older.) My first experience with him was in Stephen King’s Dark Tower series; he also reads Harry Turtledove’s Timeline 191 series (which I’m slowly working through), and I was absolutely tickled pink in the first book to hear that he uses the same voice for Abraham Lincoln as for Roland Deschain.

  70. Stacia*

    Mentioned it up-thread in response to another post but also just want to say… I am leaving in a week on a mission trip to teach machine sewing in Central America (very poor, rural area but a bunch of machines were donated to the town.. they just need to learn to use them)! I am so excited!!

    3. Occasional Baker*

      That sounds great!
      Also, I had a thought, which most probably your trip organizers have already – any chance of taking along some machine maintenance items and spare parts? I think I’d fret about the learners after I’d gone!
      Many wishes for smooth teaching and learning! Travel safely.

      1. Stacia*

        Ah! It’s like you know me, OB! Yes! We are planning for ongoing maintenance, etc. This will be part of an ongoing training center. And thanks for the good wishes!

    5. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      How wonderful and fun! Sounds like the ideal time away from work, with both a purpose and an opportunity to share your passion for sewing with others.
      I have supplies…. hmmm…

  71. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

    Home exercise gear: motivator or waste of money?

    I really want to improve the strength in my legs and lower body, but I find it hard to stick with typical body weight exercises. A shop near me has inexpensive stair stepper gadgets for sale and I’m wondering if I should get one. Has anyone found it helpful to have a little machine at home or should I save the £20?

    1. Earthwalker*

      If it’s new and it’s cheap it’s probably a poor deal. It is likely to be low quality or ineffective or both. If you want something inexpensive and good check the second hand stores and boot sales. People often get rid of quality exercise gear that’s gathering dust and you can have it for a song. You can try it, decide if it motivates, and probably sell it for what you paid if you decide it doesn’t suit you after all.

      1. Wishing You Well*

        This.
        Whatever you get, make sure it’s small. Every big exercise item I’ve bought went to charity. It took up too much room and I never used it. I do have weights that hide under furniture and I go to the gym for the treadmill. This works for me.

    2. Kathenus*

      I need things that are convenient for me to use them consistently, and I’ve definitely invested in several inexpensive home exercise options that help me work out more consistently. The ability to exercise at home while watching tv or reading is great. I’ve had different levels of success with different options, but for the ones that I end up enjoying and using more consistently they are absolutely worth the money to me.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I have one that I paid $70 for on Amazon and since I got it in early December, I’ve consistently used it for 25-30 minutes a day, every single day, except for six days I was on vacation (when I walked ten miles a day anyway so I still count it :-P ). I set it up in my living room and every day after work I put on an episode of a TV show and jog while I watch. So really, it depends on whether you can make it part of a habit.

  72. Little Paws*

    My mother died on Wednesday. I’m still in shock. Thankfully I was able to be there with her at the end and I held her hand as she let go of this world. Her heart went into ventricular fibrillation and they just couldn’t bring her back. My mother has been sick for a long time, she’s been on dialysis for 9 years and has had two major Strokes over the last 20 years. She’s had a few close calls and I always knew this day would come, but one is never ready for these types of things. I’m just doing the best I can, taking it one day at a time. She handled all the finances and my stepfather is totally lost right now. I’ve been at the house every day trying to track down all the bills and get everything organized so he and I can come up with a plan as far as whether or not he can afford to keep the house. I knew I would eventually lose my mother but I still can’t believe she’s gone. The only thing keeping me going right now is the outpouring of positive support from family and friends. Even my parents neighbors have been bringing over food and cooking for us and checking in on us asking if they can help with grocery shopping or anything else. It’s going to be a long road, because we really need to go through the house and get rid of a lot of things and there’s just so much baggage to unpack. But the outpouring of positive support is really keeping me going. My father died in 2012, so I’ve been through this before. It doesn’t make it any easier though. I turned 31 last year and it’s just so surreal realizing that neither of my parents will be there when I get married or have kids someday.

    4. Agent J*

      I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope that the care and attention of your loved ones brings you some comfort at this difficult time.

    5. Kathenus*

      Adding my condolences. I lost my mom almost 9 years ago and it was tough, still is sometimes. She also had struggled with many health issues before that. I wasn’t with her at the end but had been a few weeks prior, and she called me the night before she passed – I think she knew because it was a different type of conversation that we usually had. That’s brought me a lot of peace, as I’m guessing the fact you were with her will to you. I’m glad you have a lot of support, add internet strangers to those sending you best wishes.

    7. Valancy Snaith*

      I’m so very sorry. My mother is extremely ill right now and I’m so deeply afraid of what is coming. My condolences.

    11. fposte*

      I’m so sorry. I don’t think we as a culture are very good at talking about this kind of orphaning. It’s a common step in life, but it’s a hard, lurching step.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yep. We don’t even consider it as being orphaned because the losses happen in adult age.

        I read an interesting article years ago. It said that doctors know that the passing of our parents hits us so hard that we begin our own health issues that will eventually cause our own demise. That is a pretty powerful hit.
        But at least it’s the beginning of acknowledging that losing one’s parent is a major portal in life. We cross through that portal, surprised and unwillingly for the most part. It’s foisted on us, we don’t have a choice. We find ourselves in a new world, somehow it looks bigger, lonelier, scarier, whatever. Our parents can tend to anchor us, shield us, reassure us in ways that we don’t always see. The world definitely seems different without them.

    13. Jean (just Jean)*

      Sympathies. Good wishes for you and your stepfather. It’s good that you have supportive family and friends nearby. I’m sorry for your losses.

    18. MommaCat*

      My mom is in hospice, and I’m 33. I’m both dreading and looking forward to when she passes, because I know she won’t be in pain anymore, and she already doesn’t remember me when I visit. But the whole thing sucks, and I feel your pain. Hugs coming your way if you want them.

    21. OyHiOh*

      Many good thoughts. Be gentle on yourself. Remember that processing happens in waves – you’ll find yourself tremendously capable and unemotional at times and hit emotional walls you didn’t know existed hours later.

      I lost my spouse suddenly, in the full vigor of life at the beginning of the week. Right now, I’m ok-ish. Tomorrow, who knows.

    1. lammmm*

      Best – I’m super excited about the meal prep I’m going to do for next week. It’s been such a long week, that’s the only thing that has gotten much of a reaction this week.

      Worst – I work 6 days this week, and our one big weekly event occured two days earlier than normal. Between the two, I didn’t even know what day it was this morning when I woke up (late for work, but really couldn’t be bothered to care…)

    2. Ruffingit*

      BEST: Realizing I can let go of something instead of fighting against it to no avail.

      WORST: Not feeling my best due to lack of sleep.

    4. Cute Li'l UFO*

      BEST: Free from a terrible job and loved ones tell me I have my sanity back. It opens the door for moving on.

      WORST: Filing for unemployment. I am benefitted by having kept very good records of where/when I worked but I’m still tracking a couple of my details.

    5. Jules the First*

      Best: my sister and her partner are here visiting for two weeks and yesterday we did the super tourist thing which was surprisingly fun.

      Worst: today I am working in a vain attempt to get ahead of things. My sister has only been here three days and has already said three times that I’m working too hard.

  74. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

    Someone on one of the groups that I follow on FB posted the link absolutely delightful audio book. It is nonfiction and about the history of embroidery. Episode 1 was about the Bayeux Tapestry. I’m currently on Episode 5, which is about ‘how the feminist artists of the 60s and 70s reclaimed the potency of needlework to celebrate women’s achievement’. Fascinating!
    I am, appropriately, listening while I prepare for an embroidery. I’ve gotten the gridding done and now I am winding my floss. Boring stuff that is flying by!
    http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m0002bbd
    Enjoy!

    2. Parenthetically*

      This sounds wonderful and I thank you for sharing it!! I always need stuff to listen to while I do chores!

  75. DisgruntledDaughter*

    Going anonymous for this one.

    My mother called this morning to say she was in trouble with “bad people” because she owed them money for pain meds. She’s struggled with chronic pain for years from a variety of issues (genetic + accidents/injuries). But she announced this out of the blue…while also saying she needs money to pay off debts and overdue bills.

    I’m sympathetic to her issues but also…WTF? She’s been borrowing money from me for years. I just found the courage in the past couple years to take her off my bank account (we got a joint account when I started college out of state) and tell her no when she asks for money if I know it means paying my rent late. It feels like I’m stuck in a time loop where she makes poor decisions and I wind up bailing her out. I’ve been in therapy and it’s help with the boundary issues. But I always feel stuck between feeling sorry for her and wanting to help her and being royally pissed off (and then feeling guilty for being angry).

    I’m not necessarily looking for advice moreso than just venting and looking for folks who understand what it’s like to have parents who rely on you too much and make crappy decisions.

    1. Not A Manager*

      So sorry you’re going through this. Could your mother have an addiction issue? I totally understand the very real chronic pain, and I also understand that pain control in the US is horrible, but going into debt to “bad people” sounds… concerning?… to me.

      Not that this should become your issue, as well, even if she does have an addiction problem. I guess I feel like you can and should say no to your mother if you can’t afford to help her out, or if you think that the “help” won’t be meaningfully helpful. If this is more than “merely” being in debt, then I think that makes it more likely that your “help” won’t make much of a difference to her ongoing problems.

      Say no if you need to. If you want to soften the blow, give her a small amount and tell her that’s all you can afford.

      1. DisgruntledDaughter*

        Thank you for your kind words. I do think there is an addiction issue as well. I hate to see her suffering but I feel like I’m sacrificing myself to keep her going. It can be draining and anxiety-inducing.

        1. fposte*

          It’s really hard when it’s a mother, of all people. But just because somebody has (or claims) a need, it doesn’t mean they’re the most important person in the equation.

          You can be a decent person and daughter and still not give your mother everything she wants, and your mother’s pleasure is not the measure of your success as a human.

          1. Thursday Next*

            And, to be blunt, even her wellbeing is not the measure of your success or character. We can try to help our parents, but they are adults with agency who do things outside of our control, like borrow from unscrupulous people, or refuse appropriate medical care. This is my situation with my mother. It’s frustrating and sometimes painful to be a bystander, but ultimately there are some things people can do only for themselves.

            You have a responsibility to manage your own life competently, and as independently as possible. This means marshaling your resources toward your life expenses, and saving for contingencies. Consider that financial advisors often tell people to prioritize saving for their own retirement over their children’s college educations. You shouldn’t feel guilty about putting your financial needs ahead of your mother’s.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Stick by your guns here. If you want to help her insist on non-monetary methods. She is well positioned to go through every dime you have, which you are very much aware. Basically your help is like band aids, you can tell her she needs to get real help instead of band aids from you.
      I think that feeling guilty is part of the process but it’s just a feeling and you do not need to take action based on that feeling. At some point it maybe that you get tired enough of all of it that the guilty feeling does not happen anymore. I am sorry you are going through this. It’s tough to have to parent a parent.

      1. DisgruntledDaughter*

        I appreciate that. My greatest fear is that one day I’m completely broke and unable to take care of myself because I kept rescuing her. You’re so right—I know if I never say no, she would take everything I have and then “feel guilty” for not being a better parent…and then ask me for more money a month later. It’s hard to say no but I’m trying to think of my future and hers.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          My heart goes out to you, it really does.

          My elderly friend has been giving her adult daughter money. For DECADES. Time has passed and my friend’s finances are winding down. We chatted about the people helping her. I bluntly said, if you keep giving money to X then Y and Z won’t be able to give you money. Persons Y and Z cannot afford to support TWO people.
          My friend is sharp. She knew exactly what I meant. We talked about the expression “putting your own oxygen mask on first” and why that expression exists and what it means in general terms.

          The advice I received that worked for me with my own stuff was, “Do not turn yourself into a basket case that others have to take care of. This is something that is avoidable. And it takes them away from what they need to do in life.” I was hugely motivated by this advice. And I realized “basket case” can mean anything- it can mean giving to much physical help, giving too much financial help and so on. Don’t allow your own boat to sink.

        2. ket*

          I’m a pretty new mom, so I don’t know so much… but from my perspective as a mom, you absolutely don’t need to/should not have to/have ‘permission’ not to subsidize your mom’s problems.

          As a mom, of course I want my kid to do nice things for me sometimes, because I want her to be a person who does nice things for a variety of people, because it will mean something about her being happy, well-adjusted, able to give, etc.

          But that’s very different from what your mom has been doing. She’s been flipping the roles. I, as mom, am the adult to start with. I need to continue being an adult and let my kid grow into being an adult without squelching her growth. Between adults, the money situation you’re describing is not cool. From your mom, the squelching is not cool.

          Your situation sucks. Good luck, & internet hugs if you want. If you cut your mom off monetarily, she’ll be pissed… and a small part of her may also be proud and happy, thinking, “Look what my grown-up daughter can do!”

    3. Wishing You Well*

      An alcoholic relative used the “I owe money to bad people” plea when no one would give him any more money. It was a lie to get money for his habit. I don’t know if your mom is lying or not.
      It’s best not to give money at all, but if you can’t help yourself, pay a bill directly. Another beggar in my family never paid the bill he was so worried about. He just spent the money on a new piercing or video game.
      I know too many nice people in this predicament with relatives chronically asking for money. NO is probably the best answer.
      I hope this resolves soon.

      1. DisgruntledDaughter*

        You’re so right. No matter how much money I give her, it never seems to help. Thank you for the reassurance that I’m not crazy or a terrible person. :/

        1. Not So NewReader*

          “I know, mom. I have to clip coupons and turn the heat way down, too. We all have to do these things, it’s part of life sometimes.”
          Think about how hard you work to stay afloat. No one just hands you money. This is the realities of life.

        2. WellRed*

          You’re not terrible. My brother has struggled with addiction and therefore $. He’s a bottomless black hole where $ is concerned.

    4. Bluebell*

      Totally understand. You have my sympathy. Years ago I made the decision to never give my mom money. She makes some bad choices and is pretty addicted to shopping. She always has new clothes when I visit her and since her longtime boyfriend passed away 7 years ago, I pay for her electric, dental work, and bought her a car years ago. My sisters cover other expenses. It frustrates all of us, but she’s in her 80s and we know she will never change. I do love her in spite of it all. Wishing you the best.

      1. DisgruntledDaughter*

        I’m sorry you’re going through this too. Paying for bills instead of giving my mom cash might be the best way to move forward. Thanks.

        1. Bluebell*

          DD – do you have any siblings? If so, make sure that everything is consistent. With my mom, we know she changes her stories for each of us.

          1. DisgruntledDaughter*

            I have a sibling. I’m not sure if my mom gives us different stories but she does try to keep us in the dark. She’ll ask me for money for one bill this month and she’ll ask my sibling for another expense the next month and tell my sibling not to tell me that she asked. I’ve told her to stop doing this because it creates secrets and dysfunction and often times, my sibling and I will compare notes and stories.

            1. Bluebell*

              In way, we have sort of trained my mother. Nowadays if she has a big request, she sends a group email to my sisters and me. Most of the time we say yes, but a few months ago her big need was new blinds. We all nicely told her no. She was very upset, but in the end she didn’t buy them. Just this weekend she told us she needs about $3500 of dental work. So we will take this request seriously because she mailed us the dental bills estimates. but one thing we know is that she will never change. In the past she always asked for money from her older brother, but he is now over 85 and doesn’t have much savings.

    5. Asenath*

      Well, in my case it isn’t a parent – but I send small amounts every few months as a gift, not a loan. I turned down a request to buy a car (!!!) on the grounds that I don’t have any savings except a retirement plan I can’t touch (not actually true, and a felt a bit guilty, but really, I didn’t want to do that. I knew damn well I’d never see a penny again even though it was spoken of as a loan, and had deep reservations about the proposed recipient’s alleged job plans). And in response to other problems, I suggested that they look into subsidized housing in their city. Or contact a non-profit debt counselling service – I’m sure every province has a reputable one. People don’t often change, and keeping in touch with some of the ones who lurch from one crisis to another requires understanding your own limits and boundaries.

      1. Marthooh*

        “I don’t want to dip into my retirement savings because that’s reserved for retirement or at the very least for a real and horrid emergency” can be truthfully boiled down to “Untouchable retirement plan, sorry” in the expert opinion of me, an internet stranger. Don’t feel guilty about making a reasonable decision.

    6. Anona*

      That’s really rough. It’s not fair of your mom to keep asking you for money. It sounds like she has an addiction issue.
      You can love your mom, and still not give her money. It honestly sounds like she’s a black hole, and she’ll keep asking forever unless you draw a hard line. Which is so not fair! But the fact that you had to decide to not give her money if it was going to impact your rent is really illuminating. She’s a grown woman! She should not be asking her child for so much money that if you gave it to her, you wouldn’t be able to pay rent!
      It doesn’t sound like the money actually helps your mom. It sounds like it just gets her to the next crisis.
      If it makes you feel better, can you basically give her $x (not whatever amount she wants just an amount that you decide on), and tell her that unfortunately this will be the last time you can help her in this way, so she’ll need to take that into her plan. Which she won’t. But at least you’ll have warned her before cutting her off.

      I strongly recommend writing in to Captain Awkward, and/or reading her archives. She has excellent scripts for drawing boundaries.
      I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. It’s not your fault.

      2. DisgruntledDaughter*

        Thank you for your kind advice and perspective. I’m going to check out Captain Awkward’s archives for sure.

        1. valentine*

          What if you remove the option of helping her financially, or of helping her in general? Take it off the table. Reprogram yourself so you don’t experience her words as an emergency or react as her personal first responder. What would you have then? Can you reset the relationship so you are mother-daughter or acquaintances? She tells you the sky is falling and you carry on with your life.

          A neighbor told me there is always help for takers. It sounded mean, but I can see it now. It’s because a taker will always find someone to take from.

    7. Anono-me*

      This sounds very difficult for you.

      You mentioned that your mother may have an addiction issue. If this is the case, please consider reaching out to some sort of support group for people with parents who are addicted. There can be real comfort (and useful advice) in groups of people that are walking a path similar to yours.

    8. Kuododi*

      Ouch!!! DH and I have been dealing with his side of the family the duration of our marriage. I don’t think there’s addiction going on….what has been happening is his mother, and siblings live from crisis to crisis. ( Mostly self- inflicted). They fritter money away on the impulse of the moment. Then “surprise!!!” they’ve got rent payment, utilities etc and to a person will hit up DH for $$$ to keep from eviction, lights turned off blah…blah. They’re convinced because DH has finished college, grad school and we own our home that we must be rolling in $$. ( Frankly, we’re one bad cold away from medical bankruptcy due to my complex health issues.). To add insult to injury, one of his siblings has no shame in using their special needs child to try and guilt him into yet another bailout. He and I had to have a few serious talks about his family patterns but we now are on the same page about the problem. After all, you can’t solve money problems with money. We feel your pain. Hang in there!!! Best wishes.

      1. DisgruntledDaughter*

        Thank you for your kind words. It helps to know I’m not the only one who struggles with this (which seems obvious, but when you’re going through it—it feels lonely).

        you can’t solve money problems with money

        I’ll remember this every time she asks for money. It’s a powerful statement.

    9. My Brain is Exploding*

      You got this!! You are in therapy and it’s helping, you have learned to say no. It’s uncomfortable. It will get easier with practice. One of the things Dave Ramsey mentioned to a caller in a similar situation was to do the following: make your own budget – bills, retirement, savings, etc. IF (and only if) you have extra money (IF you are in debt other than your house, you DO NOT have extra money), then you can budget a certain amount monthly to PAY FOR (v. GIVE TO) something your mom truly NEEDS. Or set that budgeted money aside, and if something comes up that she NEEDS (like medical care) you can pay for it directly. No is a complete sentence, but if you think it will be helpful (it is for some folks) you can tell her your financial advisor says you can’t. (Hi. I’m your new financial advisor. You can’t.) Another thing he mentions is that if you give someone money you can ABSOLUTELY have strings attached. (As in, yes, I will pay for X IF you will do Y, where Y is go to a financial counselor, or show you that she can stay on a budget.)

      1. DisgruntledDaughter*

        This is great advice. I’ve always felt weird putting stipulations on money I give her because of guilt: she’s my mom and gave me life, right? But it’s also not how the world works. Thank you for sharing.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          She gave you life, but she does not have the right to take your life back. We have laws about taking people’s lives. Granted, she probably won’t murder you, but she will kill your soul eventually if left unchecked. A slower dying process to be sure, but just as real as actual death.
          There is love and then there is indentured servant. She has created an unhealthy relationship for the two of you and she has no plan to restore health to the relationship any time soon.

    10. matcha123*

      I totally understand you. I have been there…spending my youth working to bring extra income into the home, giving up any fun time with friends, always worrying about bills. As an adult, I have no savings because of the years spent trying to keep my parent from becoming homeless. And this is someone that had a desire to work and applied to tons of jobs.
      Keep your account separate and good luck with saying “no.” If you feel like there are other ways you can help that you feel comfortable with, feel free to try those. Keep putting aside money for your own savings, too!

  76. Sunflower*

    So I’ve been in NYC now about 5 months and haven’t met any friends yet. I have a few casual acquaintances from before I moved here but no one I feel comfortable enough to text on the regular to hang out. I got free tickets to a sporting event the other night and could only think of 3 people to ask to go with me. I’m on a few apps- bumble bff, meetup, hey vina, greet. I’ve never used them before so I’m not sure if I should expect it to be similar to dating with the flakiness of meeting up and not clicking. I have 2 roommates who I get along with but I don’t see myself becoming especially close with and I may potentially be moving out to move in with my one friend who is moving here but I’m on the fence over how that would impact our future friendship.

    I’m a really social person but I feel like I’m just not clicking with anyone here. I’m trying to do more IRL stuff but it’s been impossible to get out of work on time recently and I’m so exhausted by the weekend that all I want to do is lay in bed. I know this is unhealthy especially with my lack of outside life so I’m trying to make an effort to get out of work earlier and do something social.

    I feel like a loser because I don’t have any friends here. I keep reading and hearing ‘oh it’s NYC! It’s so easy to make friends, there’s so many people!’ and I just don’t feel that way. I was walking home from the drug store around 9pm last Saturday and saw so many people at bars, restaurants with their friends having fun. It made me really sad. I had so many friends in my old city and that’s been the only real tough adjustment. I feel like I 100% made the right choice moving here and I don’t want to move back but this is the one thing really bothering me. Not sure if I’m looking for advice or just sympathy. I know it’s not true but I feel like I’m the only person here who can’t find their group or place :(

    1. AvonLady Barksdale*

      It takes time in NYC, just like it does anywhere else. I recall being pretty lonely for my first year or so there. I joined a performing group that met once a week, and even then, it took a while to meet real friends to hang out with. However, I eventually made my very best friends in that group. I would suggest using those apps but also, try to find an activity. A lot of people I know met friends through ZogSports, if kickball is your thing. If you belong to a religious group, places of worship are great for social stuff and most tend to be really welcoming.

      Once you have an established social circle, it really is easy to meet people in New York. The hard part is getting established. I made one friend, he introduced me to some of his friends, I met more friends through those people even without that first friend. The reason I met people all the time was because I was expanding my circle. One of my closest friends is someone I met because I got a random invitation to dim sum from a mutual friend. Another close friend is someone I met because she went to graduate school with a friend of a friend and we met at a friend’s birthday brunch.

      If you have an alumni network from your college or university, see if they have NYC events (a lot of east coast and larger midwest/west coast schools have them, and if your school was sports-y there will likely be an unofficial bar for your school). Go out with your roommates; even if you don’t love them, they might hang out with people you like. I made some good friends– and met some guys to date– by going to random parties where I knew one or two people.

      Also, don’t discount the benefits of sitting at a bar and striking up a conversation with someone. I live in the south now and I still talk to random people at bars, and pretty often, it turns out… those people are from New York. New York is a wonderful place to enjoy your own company while being surrounded by other people.

    2. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

      I’d suggest Meetup groups or the Couchsurfing community—there’s one in every major city and they helped me a lot when I was living internationally plus now locally

    3. gecko*

      It takes so much time to put down roots and you can really feel it when you move from one place where you have roots in the community to one where you don’t. It really blows. But it sounds like you’re doing the right things—you just need more time.

      Remember that people become friends when you see them in more than one context. A gentle way to try to guide an activity acquaintance toward friendship for instance is to go out for coffee after your activity—you have another context there.

      Good luck—I know it seems like it’s taking SO long but I think five months isn’t so long in the scheme of establishing yourself. You’ll get there—one day soon you’re going to travel away, and on your way back home to New York you’ll get texts from your friends there, “has your plane landed yet?” and “when do you get back?” And you’ll realize you’ve got people there.

      Good luck, and best wishes in a temporary, lonely time.

    4. Marion Ravenwood*

      I’ve only used Meetup out of the groups you mentioned, but I will say it did take me a few months to find people that I clicked with, and about a year before I was socialising with people from a (different) group outside of events. So don’t be disheartened if it’s taking a while. You’re doing all the right things in regard to sticking with it, trying different activities etc so I think it might just be a case of sticking with it for a bit longer.

    5. Honeycrisp*

      I think it’s Carolyn Hax who says as adults, in order to make friends, you have to keep showing up at the same place, over and over- and it can take years. Not the happiest advice, but IME, true. So it will happen, but it takes longer than we want.

      And you have mt sympathy. I moved to New City 18 months ago and I’m still looking for actual friends.

    6. Nuan Cee*

      I’m really late to this so you may not see it but I’ve moved countries a couple of times so have some experience trying to create a social circle from scratch. If you have Facebook, GirlGoneInternational have a New York group and they’ve been an amazing social network for me in London (and despite how it sounds you don’t have to be a foreigner to join). In general I’d look to Facebook a bit too, here in London there are other expat groups like London New Girl, Aussies in London (since I’m an Aussie) etc that hold a varied mix of social events, both large and small, that help you meet people but also generally help fill your evenings/weekends even if you don’t immediately find a best friend from the group.

      Secondly I’d recommend joining a group of some sort. I started playing in a sport league (Dodgeball for me since I figured no-one would care if I didn’t know what I was doing) and through that I’ve made some really good friends, one in particular I’m very close to now but even my other team mates and I get together fairly frequently for social events.

      I should also clarify this by saying I’m not really the most outgoing person so making friends ‘naturally’ is a bit of a challenge for me. I had to actively put myself out there. I have one friend who comments that I try the weirdest things and never seem to feel uncomfortable in social situations (which is pure ‘fake it till you make it’). I’ve done a 3 month acting course, a swing dancing course, I go to weird and wonderful talks, see musicals and theatre a lot and I even hosted an ‘orphans’ Christmas dinner last year with 5 strangers coming over since I didn’t want to spend Christmas alone. There’s often a brief moment of awkwardness when you first get to know people but also a lot of fun to be had along the way. I refuse to stop living my life and having a social life just because I don’t have a huge social circle.

      Now if only I found it as easy to sort out my dating life because that’s an area I fail at miserably.

  77. Aurora Leigh*

    What would you put in your dream home?

    My boyfriend and I have had a lot fun lately playing with floor pans and designing a house to build in a few years, and I’d love to hear others ideas.

    Be as practical or outrageous as you like!

    Personally, I want a library and a mudroom and he wants a finished basement to be his “nerd den”.

    What about you guys?

    1. Wicked Witch of the West*

      A walk through pantry between the garage and the kitchen. That way extra canned and dry goods can be shelved there on their way in. With shelves for those small appliances and large pots you only use once or twice a year. And an extra freezer for shopping the sales and having plenty of ice. I can see it in my mind. But will never have it unless I win the PowerBall and we build a new house.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Walk in closet, maybe with a little dressing area. It will never, ever happen IRL.
        Heated floors.
        Attached greenhouse.
        Big, sunny windows.

        1. Anonyme*

          Agreed on the greenhouse. And a second attached greenhouse solely for the cats. Because they would kill the plants in the first greenhouse.

          1. Lcsa99*

            I love the idea of a greenhouse with a second greenhouse just for the kitties. They would love to play kitty of the jungle every once in a while!

            1. StellaBella*

              I love this idea! Kitty play house with lots of kitty safe plants and things for them and me to eat too!

        2. lammmm*

          I’ve told my BF if we ever buy a house, I want a bedroom turned into a closet, complete with a sitting area (ie a love seat/couch), a vanity for doing my makeup, and a wall just for shoes.

          I got him to agree to it, but buying a house is something for way in the future, if ever at this point.

    3. Alex*

      Outrageous? I want an indoor/outdoor pool–the kind where it is indoors, or you can pull up the wall and have it outdoors. Connected to that I want a steam room and luxury spa bathroom. Of course, this all has to come with someone to clean and maintain it for me! Haha.

      In real life, all I really want is a dishwasher and my own washer dryer (I live in a small apartment now….)

      1. Thursday Next*

        This this this! I am all about water.

        Right now I don’t have a bathtub deep enough for a sufficiently immersive bath, so in reality, a soaking tub would be an incredible luxury.

      2. Lemonwhirl*

        I so want an indoor lap pool, a whirlpool, and a sauna. I love the idea of being able to open the wall of the pool room.

    4. TL -*

      A big ol’ Texas McMansion style kitchen with tons of marble counter space, a double and a half sink, cabinets out the wazoo, a big island (no sink there; I want it for food prep space) and enough leftover space to fit 7 mortal enemies or 15 best friends.
      And a big double door fridge with water and ice in the door.

    5. Overeducated*

      A round or octagonal tower room. Why give up on my eight year old dreams?

      A really nice porch.

      Definitely a library, preferably with fireplace and/or windowseat, and built in bookshelves.

      A steeply pitched roof with a cozy attic type room.

      (I’m house hunting right now, and pretty much all I can afford to put on the list right now are “not a ranch” and “no obvious structural issues.” So it’s fun to fantasize.)

        1. Overeducated*

          I wasn’t thinking practically at all…seeing your post below, yes, I’d like a dishwasher and in unit laundry, too!

    6. Asenath*

      I’m pretty satisfied with what I have, but a balcony and nice view would be good – if I didn’t have to be too high off the ground. A walk-in shower. Someone to magically dust and clean and patch the walls where the cats scratched them.

    7. Lady Jay*

      * Huge windows and sliding glass doors, especially on the western/eastern side. I LOVE natural lighting.
      * A porch to stand/sit on late into the evenings on summer nights.
      * Open cabinets (display all my pretty Polish pottery mugs!)
      * Hardwood floors because they’re gorgeous.
      * Flat-top stove because I’ve spent my life dealing with crappy apartment ovens & food getting under the coils and I am OVER it.
      * One of those refrigerators with the freezer on the bottom.

    8. HannahS*

      A husband! Erm, maybe not what you meant, but as long as we’re dreaming…anyway, a nice small yard that could be half turned into a vegetable garden, and half hung with string lights into my own personal outdoor seating area. A sewing room, a kitchen with more counter space, a better stove, and a dishwasher, and a laundry room on the same floor as the bedroom. Any laundry facilities would be nice, actually. I am so over dragging my laundry to the apartment’s facilities. Oh, and floors instead of wall to wall carpet. And a fireplace!

    9. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I want a kitchen with plenty of storage, including a pantry big enough to store barrels of flour. I also want a separate pickling kitchen, or at least a place to prep and store things while they ferment, with room for extra large fermentation crocks.

      I have always wanted an conservatory, though I have the very worst thumb. I would fill my conservatory with fake plants if I had to.

      Practically speaking, I really want a separate dining area. Right now we don’t have room for a dining table and it really limits my ability to entertain. Even if we end up in an apartment when we move, I will insist on a dining area.

      I would love to have an actual laundry room with shelves and a built in drying rack. Right now we have the washer and dryer in a separate space but it’s not a designated laundry room. I also want a walk-in closet and/or a closet with shelves, and a dang linen closet. I lived in a studio apartment for eight years that had better closets than my current house.

    10. Not A Manager*

      On-demand hot water. Steam shower. Heated floors. Wood burning fireplace. Walk-in pantry. Farmhouse kitchen. Dedicated guest room.

    11. Lcsa99*

      -A maid
      -A kitchen with professional equipment, lots of marble, tons of cabinets and pantry space
      -A library
      -A music room/theater with theater quality sound, tons of hidden storage, comfortable couches and chairs
      -An indoor pool
      -Bay windows with a view of the water

        1. Marthooh*

          Bookcase-door to Rivendell. Since we’re just fantasizing here, it doesn’t have to be a portal-fantasy world.

    13. SignalLost*

      A tower with a library and my bedroom in it. With skylights. And huge trees. And mostly library.

      A larger kitchen I can enjoy cooking in.

      A crafting room with windows on all four sides, multiple worksurfaces, and enough outlets to make Solomon blush.

      A walk-in closet with really fantastic shelving. I collect shoes, purses, and jewelry, and I do cosplay, so I always have trouble figuring out where to store a new wig or pair of earrings.

      A stream running through the house a la Fallingwater.

      Built-in cat furniture.

    14. Anonyby*

      A kitchen with plenty of counter space and space for the gadgets I want/use.

      A dedicated craft room with space for my sewing machines, a cutting table, my knitting & crochet supplies and yarn stash…

      Different themed rooms, including one for my Transformers collection.

      A game room that’s totally themed out like a castle or dungeon or a Ye Olde Pub…

      A huuuuge garden with lots of raised bed for food plants, and an attached greenhouse to supplement it and a space for several kinds of fruit trees.

    15. Not All*

      Underfloor heat
      Natural slate floor in at least one room; stained/stamped concrete the rest
      all doors a minimum of 36″ for ease of furniture moving
      attached solarium (preferably with hot tub)
      attached dog/cat run going to a ‘doggie room’ that could be gated off of rest of the house as necessary
      So. Many. Closets.
      attached true 3 car garage (not 3 sub-compact garage)
      Acreage & NO NEIGHBORS :)

    16. Anono-me*

      Universal Design and ground floor livability. (My friends are starting to need to move to new homes due to health issues. )

    17. Ginger ale for all*

      This is one of my favorite day dreams.

      A reptile and pet room with a dog door that leads to a fenced in backyard. A dogwashing station.

      A room for a table and comfortable chairs for jigsaw puzzles and games. Library shelves for books, games, and puzzles.

      A big kitchen with a gas stove. An island.

      A utility room with a sink, extra freezer that can flip between a refrigerator or freezer (my parents had one and it was wonderful for entertaining), room for a ironing board, the kind of washer and dryers that sit on mini stands. An area to have cabinets for cleaning supplies, vacuums, brooms, etc.

      A master bedroom with two walk in closets, with his and her sinks and vanities. A whirlpool tub, walk in/wheel in shower. A king sized bed with one side that can have a heated mattress pad.

      Single storied, each hallway and doorway wide enough for wheel chairs.

      A side home connected by a long hallway for my mother in law.

      A media room with a huge tv. And a sleeper sofa and lazy boy furniture. A mini fridge that is dorm size and counter and sink for a keurig so I have hot tea.

      Decorated throughout in blues, greens, purples, and silver. Dark hardwood floors or the kind of tile that looks like hardwood.

      A dining room table that seats 8. A kitchen nook table for four.

      One guest bedroom and one bedroom for my stepson that has it’s own en suite bathroom and a small nook area so he can have a couch and little bit of living area in case he wants to have an almost his own place kind of space.

      Three and a half car garage. The half car space for lawn mower and yard tools, bikes.

      Solar energy set up on the roof.

      A neighborhood with walkable sidewalks and nice trees.

    18. WellRed*

      My tastes have changed so ad I’ve matured. Gimme a pantry, a cookable kitchen and a covered porch for hosting. Space, light, quiet lot.

    19. Parenthetically*

      Hay bale construction! Lots of solar and wind power. A solar water heater. A greenhouse bathroom with tropical plants in it. A converted attic master suite. Kids’ rooms with a jack-and-jill bathroom. An outdoor kitchen. A woodstove, for cozy winter crackling fires that can also be used for a pot of soup.

      Full rant ahead:

      FREAKING FACING THE SUN, FOR FCKS’ SAKE. This is my #1 biggest deal, honestly. I live in the US and have a fully north-facing house and it is a freaking NIGHTMARE. If you live in the northern hemisphere, BUY A SOUTH-FACING HOUSE!! The way homes are just built with no regard to the NATURAL LIGHT absolutely MYSTIFIES me.

      1. Nita*

        Yes! Solar exposure is a big deal. It makes such a difference in heating/cooling needs, and whether you can grow plants without going all high-tech with special lighting.

    21. Llellayena*

      Two story library with spiral stairs and library ladders, think Disney’s Beauty and the Beast. And a large quilting studio with a wall of fabric storage, design wall, long arm quilting machine…I could go on for a while on that room.

    22. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      I want an indoor/outdoor room real bad – the kind where you can just open up one side of the living room with full sliding doors onto a lovely patio space with fabulous grill/fire pit etc. And just beyond that would be a fantastic long rectangular pool with an endless pool attachment at the end (like a treadmill for swimmers). One side of the house I would like raised gardening beds and some fruit trees.

      I would also like a fantastic catio for the cats, and a master bedroom large enough to have a sitting area and french doors opening to its own (largish) balcony.

    23. StellaBella*

      Oooh. This is fun.

      A small cabin/chalet with acreage. With many sustainable things: rain barrels, small windmill and solar for hot water and power, internet maybe, but for sure a wood burning Gnome pellet stove, a greenhouse for me and for the kitties (one kitty now, maybe more later), a way to run the power from solar and wind via batteries to have some nice twinkly lights, an eco washer, a plot for veggies and some fruit trees, chickens and a big coop for them to run around free but safe from kitties, and southern exposure. And a place to have all this be organic to welcome bugs, birds, butterflies, and the like.

    24. The Other Dawn*

      A huge play room for my 11 cats. Seriously. It would have huge floor to ceiling windows, perches, cat trees, and all the things that cats dream about. I’d also have those cat walks through all the rooms so my one high-strung, bottom-of-the-pecking-order kitty can get around without having to walk past the other cats.

      Also, I’d remodel my current home. It was built in 1735. I’d completely restore it to it’s original condition–wide plank flooring, exposed beams, restore all the fireplaces–but install all the modern behind-the-scenes stuff to make it energy-efficient, like a new boiler, get ALL the steam radiators serviced so they all work just as well as the next one, new windows, etc. I’d also remove the aluminum siding, restore the clapboards and then paint the house.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I meant to say that we have those wide plank floors, but they’re all covered by 1920s hardwood, and then on top of that is very cheap carpeting the sellers slapped down to sell the house. We’ve only ripped up the carpeting in two rooms so far. In the dining room we decided to refinish the 1920s hardwood. We didn’t have the money at the time to deal with any issues that might arise from exposing the planks. In the family room, it’s a mix of 1920s hardwood and plywood, so we just threw down vinyl planks for now. It’s a high traffic area and the back door is there, so I actually don’t want hardwood back there.

    25. Ranon*

      Fully wheelchair accessible bottom floor, including bedroom and bathroom.

      Enough insulation, solar collection, rainwater collection and water treatment to be, not off the grid, but in a friends with benefits relationship with the grid. Ideally net zero energy and water, maybe passive house rated.

      Enough food and water storage to keep full shelter in place supplies incorporated as part of our day to day living- ideally monster pantry wall o’ shallow cabinets (love a shallow pantry)

      Shared family bathroom along the lines of the “Japanese” bathroom in the Compact Houses book

      Vestibules at the front and back doors (back door vestibule can be a laundry/ mud room too) so that the weather and mud stays out of the rest of the house

      Oh, and not very big, since I probably still have to clean the darn thing.

    26. cat socks*

      This is kind of a weird one, but I want a “cat bathroom”. Right now the litter boxes are in the laundry room, but I would like a dedicated room for them. It would also have some kind of cleaning area where I could wash the boxes. I’m using very large storage boxes so deep cleaning them involves taking them outside and hosing them off. Some way to easily do that inside would be great.

      On the outrageous side, a slide that goes from the second to first floors. You know, in case I don’t feel like taking the stairs.

    27. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      Self-cleaning floors! Sauna. Maybe a hot tub. Walled garden. Near the coast but maybe not right on the beach because it can get way too cold here! Library with a collection of various kinds of audio equipment ranging from old hand-cranked record players to mini disc. Conservatory.

      1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

        Oh I forgot about the solar power, water butt, etc. All the green features that would make it more self-sufficient. And my dream house would be fully detached, not the “semi-detached” duplex sort of thing that is common in the UK.

        In reality I just want to majorly renovate my own house. Some kind of magical sound insulation between us and the neighbors, fix all the warped floor boards, new carpet and proper tile in the bathroom and kitchen, new roof, re-point all of the brickwork and replace the cracked concrete door lintels, renew the insulation, new boiler, new bathroom, finish the loft so that it is a more useable storage space (maybe with some kind of nifty storage system), install lights in all the closets and on the porch, totally re-do the garden, repaint everything, replace the cheap fake fireplace with something more attractive and energy efficient. I like my house but it needs work!

    28. Fellow Traveler*

      This is totally indulgent, but my uncle and aunt have two kitchens- they have an open floor plan, so the main kitchen opens into the living room, but then they also have a smaller kitchen off to the side of their main kitchen with a really powerful exhaust fan so that when they prepare fried or smoky food, the smell and smoke won’t get into the rest of the house. I think it’s brilliant because I love open floor plans, but I also don’t want the house smelling constantly of grease.

    29. Marion Ravenwood*

      Walk in closet with vanity area.
      A library.
      Separate sewing room.
      Separate office/music room (ideally with soundproof walls), decorated like the Hufflepuff common room in the Harry Potter books.
      ‘Man cave’ for my husband to play video games/watch Star Trek etc.
      A playroom for the cats.
      Herringbone flooring throughout.
      A separate dining room.
      A real wood fire/stove.
      Black and white diner-style tiles in the kitchen.
      One of those ovens with the foldaway doors like they have on The Great British Bake Off.

      (But in real life I’d settle for a utility/laundry room and/or a small porch between the doorstep and front door.)

    32. Chaordic One*

      I’d like to have at least a 4-car garage, and maybe an 8-car garage (for my fleet of motorcars). A really pretty garage that would look more like a car sales showroom with actual walls and a shiny tiled floor, rather than a run of the mill garage with exposed 2x4s and plain concrete on the floor. Although, even having a garage is a bit of a luxury and you’re better off having one than having to park outside.

    33. Dream House*

      A periscope! I want to pop up the periscope and see what is going on in my neighborhood. “To the Batscope, Robin!”

  78. CanadianUniversityReader*

    Hi Everyone,
    I’ve recently started volunteering with a group that promotes STEM activities for kids. At my first event, attendance was a bit low. I’ve been doing flyers in schools, libraries, some businesses and some online advertisements. Does anyone have any suggestions to increase attendance? Or, where do you look for events for your kids? Thanks everyone for your help!

    1. Approval is optional*

      When my children were young, I was in a similar group. Our early sessions had low attendance, but it gradually grew- through word of mouth mostly: after our initial promotion, we had a few regular members and after that we got a few new attendees through flyers etc, but mostly through Jane bringing her friend Mary and so on. To encourage this we did ‘bring a friend and you both get a science/maths thing’, promotions a couple of times a year. I can’t remember all the ‘things’ now, but one was a pack of cards with instructions on how to do a trick using a Si Stebbins Stack. We went for low/no cost things – some were donations or sold to us at reduced cost (the business got a ‘Thank you’ in our newsletter, some were made by committee members who were ‘handy’.

    2. fposte*

      Churches and youth centers are other possibilities; also promote on social media, including local parent pages.

    3. Parenthetically*

      Homeschool co-ops! Almost every town will have at least a group or two, and cities can have huge networks of homeschool families — one local homeschool co-op runs a supplemental program that has literally a thousand kids in it. Google Yourtown + “homeschool co-op” or “homeschool meetup” or “Classical Conversations.”

      Also, our city has a website with an ongoing sort of master list of kid-focused or kid-friendly activities — check with your Chamber of Commerce or similar community outreach?

  79. Sam Sepiol*

    The abusive ex picked our kid up before and told me he’s engaged.

    Last weekend he was sending me melodramatic messages implying he’d been dumped, which turned out to be a huge exaggeration (I didn’t ask, he told me anyway, rolling-eyes-emoji). One of my friends said he’s only proposed because I didn’t give him any attention last week, to try and get a rise from me. I don’t think that’s WHY he proposed but I absolutely think messing with me was a side benefit.

    I largely feel sad for the kid, because the only way I see this going is ex moving to near where she lives, which will be more upheaval for Kid.

        1. Sam Sepiol*

          Neither Kid nor ex would agree to that :(
          Ex’s gf only lives about 20 minute away but that’s far enough for it to be disruptive. It’s been really hard on Kid and we’ve got an equilibrium going. I don’t like it as it involves me seeing Ex more than I want to, but I suck it up because of the child. And it’s gonna be really rough supporting Kid through this because God knows Ex isn’t capable of emotional support our empathy. If he was maybe we wouldn’t have ended up here.

  80. Khlovia*

    Oh, man, do I relate. Don’t tell me, let me guess: It’s as if she thinks, “Okay, I’ve done my part (creating the problem); now it’s time for you to do your fair share (fixing the problem).” And not just about money. Right?

    There are all sorts of hidden and overt motivations for her bad relationship with money; but one of them is definitely that she uses it to force you to interact with her, and prove, yet again, just how much you love her, measured concretely in dollars and no sense.

    I used to hate it when people would say to me, “And you know she’ll never change.” Because damn it, she needed to change! She should have changed! Surely she wanted to change; surely she saw how necessary and desirable it was for her to change!

    Nope. The truth is, she was quite contented with the status quo. She had no problems, because one or the other of her children would solve them for her, no matter how shabbily she treated them. And if for some unfathomable reason they failed to jump through the latest hoop, why, that was fine, because that provided the theme for the next episode of Poor Sweet Dear performed with maximum melodrama for all the relatives, neighbors, and friends. So why would she ever want to change? She was quite happy with her self-generated misery.

    No advice, sorry. I never did get mine fixed.

    1. fposte*

      Oh, I really recognize that determination that this situation is just too stupid to continue the way it is, so surely the other person will change.

      Nope. Other people can keep doing what they do no matter how ridiculous it is. It’s a hard realization.

      1. valentine*

        Okay, I’ve done my part (creating the problem); now it’s time for you to do your fair share (fixing the problem)
        This makes no much sense explained like this. I could never see the first part, so I didn’t understand why the aggressor saw their mess as being their target’s mess to clean.

    2. DisgruntledDaughter*

      I think you’re replying to my comment and if so, you nailed it.

      and prove, yet again, just how much you love her

      So much this. I’ve recently decided to get off the merry-go-round that is I’m Sorry I’m So Messed Up, Do You Love Me?

      It hurts to know that she’ll never change but it also gives me some motivation to be the change I want in my life because I can stop being disappointed that she won’t do it.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I think to some point we have to decide that we feel loved and/or make it a point to notice loving gestures.

        If a person cannot do that, then they will need something else such as money on a regular basis.

        If someone believes they are not lovable, then we will never love them hard enough. Not all addicts but many addicts believe that they are not lovable, hence the addiction.

  81. Jaded*

    I have recently discovered the Interestingasf*ck page on reddit! I know reddit is, well reddit, but this small part of it is amazing! Everyday I see something on there that I hadn’t known existed. Quadruple rainbows, blue mammoth tusks… I’m in heaven! What other sites on the internetz have I been missing all this time? What are your must-read sites?

    1. Kate Daniels*

      Thank you so much for sharing this! I loved him in all of his costumes. One of my favorite things about the Tidying Up show is how more than half of the homes had cats in them. Cats spark joy!

  83. Anon740*

    Anyone know what might cause a sudden increase in speaking volume? I love my SO dearly but over the past 1-2 months their speaking voice has gotten to the point of uncomfortably loud and I’m starting to worry. We’ve talked about it and they always try to lower their voice whenever I ask or happen to wince a bit, but I feel like they get loud again within a few minutes. I genuinely don’t think they realize its happening and they definitely aren’t yelling at me (in an abusive or angry way). I’m just kind of worried about this and have considered that it’s me being too/more sensitive, but they are the only person I’ve noticed who’s voice has increased.

    1. Middle School Teacher*

      Possible hearing loss? My dad got a lot louder, and then he got hearing aids. Problem solved, because he could hear himself again.

      1. Anon740*

        That’s my worry :/ they wear headphones with music playing all day due to ridiculously distracting coworkers (a topic for a non-work-free thread!) and I’m wondering if its starting to take a toll. Maybe I’ll discuss that with them. Thanks!

    2. Glomarization, Esq.*

      There is no non-awkward way to approach this, but maybe their ears need cleaned out. Use the search phrase “how to safely clean your ears” and/or see your GP about it.

      1. Anon740*

        That’s less scary and more fixable, than a health problem! I’ll suggest it to them, and they’re due for a yearly physical anyway. Thanks!

      2. The Other Dawn*

        Yes to this! I’m someone whose ears make too much wax. Been that way since I was a kid. What that means is I need to go to the doctor every year and a half or so and have them cleaned out; those home kits do nothing for me. The wax builds up slowly and the hearing loss isn’t noticeable to me until it’s at the point where my ear is actually completely clogged. When I go to have them cleaned, I have the doctor do both ears since if one is clogged, it’s only a matter of time before the other one is. Lo and behold, once the non-clogged ear is cleaned, I realize that I’d lost some hearing in that ear due to the wax buildup and hadn’t noticed it until the wax was gone. And when the clogged ear is cleaned, I swear I can hear a pin drop a mile away. So, it’s possible that they have a similar issue. There might be some wax buildup that’s partially blocking the ear drum and they haven’t noticed a drop is hearing ability.

        Also, maybe they just need a hearing test. It’s possible that the constant exposure to noise via their headphones is causing a minor hearing loss.

          1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            Just a regular primary care doc will do it. In fact, they’ll probably have a nurse or MA do it even, rather than the actual doc — it generally just includes irrigation with warm water and maybe hydrogen peroxide, they “blast” it in there with a pressure bulb and it essentially power-washes the ear canal. But it’s something you shouldn’t try on your own just because you can’t see what you’re doing in your own ear and it’d be easy to push too deep or some such. (I have the same problem as Dawn.)

            1. Jaid*

              I watch Audiology Associates UK’s videos on YouTube…it’s very interesting watching the earwax removal, especially after people tried doing it on their own. A long scooper, crocodile forceps, and a tiny vacuum in various combinations does the trick.

              Rhys Barber does say that olive oil will help soften the wax to make it easier to remove.

          2. Someone Else*

            I’m going to disagree slightly here and suggest you go to a pharmacy and purchase a plastic ear clearing syringe on your own, and some peroxide, and maybe some dubrox. Follow the instructions on the boxes and try to clean the ears at home before going to the doctor. If it’s really severe it may not help, but it’s worth trying it yourself first. If you go to the doctor and the doc says it’s tons of waxy build up, they will very likely send in a nurse to do the same thing (and it may be more effective in the office) but you’ll most likely get charged for the “procedure” on top of whatever copay you pay for the appointment itself. Depends on your insurnace whether said “procedure” is super cheap or something more pricey, but it will have its own billing code. So you may save yourself some money by attempting the cleaning at home first. You’ll be no worse off if you try it at home and it doesn’t help.

            I had to have this done a number of years ago and afterward the nurse was basically like “you should clean your own ears this way every couple of months so it doesn’t get this bad again”.

    3. AAM Regular with Temporary Name*

      If they have a public speaking job, such as teaching, they may just be using their “work voice”. Not all teachers and not all public speakers but some folks do have an at work voice and they forget to dial it back at home. I worked in a very noisy environment. If I came home super tired sometimes I would still be trying to talk over the machines…. that are NOT in my house.

    4. MissDisplaced*

      I seen this and it is often related to their hearing. Could be a cleaning/wax issue or more permanent hearing loss. Do they also tend to turn the TV up really loud and then “yell” over it?

  84. Victoria, Please*

    Turning to the AAM community for information I can’t seem to find in a more expected place… I need to replace the, ah, throne in my bathroom. I should get one with a 10-inch rough-in, but those don’t seem to be much available any more. Is it possible to convert to a 12-inch with offsets or other — I don’t know, plumbing stuff?

    Also, does anyone have a recommendation for a good potty?

    1. Wishing You Well*

      I’m happy with my Gerber Avalanche toilets. If you want more recommendations, ask plumbers what they like. They have a lot to say about toilets. :)

      1. Victoria, Please*

        That’s a great idea, why didn’t I think of that!

        It seems that some toilets are more flexible than others when it comes to rough in, and the one I really wanted is definitely 12. Plumber would know.

        Thanks!!

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        At least where I live, Home Depot employees are completely miserable and knowledgeless. I’ve literally never had an acceptable, let alone good, experience with one. I’d say to get a plumber’s opinion if you know one.

        1. Parenthetically*

          “I’ve literally never had an acceptable, let alone good, experience with one.”

          Hahahaha oh man this is the truth. I also watched an old white Home Depot employee wearing about 8 American flag pins walk past a young black man who was in the process of asking him a question and simper up to me to ask me if I needed anything. I was… not pleased.

          We have a great locally-owned hardware/garden center near us and we just go there now if we need anything but lumber. If you’re lucky enough to have that kind of gem, it’s worth asking there for SURE.

    3. Ranon*

      I’d ask a plumber about the 10/12 inch issue. As for the toilet itself, anything with the EPA watersense lable has been tested for effectiveness and will conserve water- I wouldn’t go low-flow without that lable but I’d absolutely go low flow with it.

    4. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      My area has stores that specifically sell toilets and bathroom fixtures so they’d be more knowledgeable. I think HD also lets you search online by rough in.

    5. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Yes, you can get a plumbing piece that will bridge the gap between the 10 and 12 inch, however it may cause problems with the floor height. Your best bet is to either find a 10 inch you’re happy with, or get a good plumber involved.

      Gerber is a good brand. I replaced a toilet and bought it myself. My plumber friend said I did good getting a Gerber. (My mom now calls it the baby food toilet.)

  85. Overwhelmedand underdone*

    I’m in about the same boat you Disgruntled.I’ve been guilted into “helping” a parent with chronic pain and the dealing with “bad people”. Caught between not paying the rent or watching them suffer from their pain and withdrawel.In my situation,I found out that they were draining any savings my parents had without the others knowledge while coming to me playing on my guilt and sympathy,with claims that “they’re broke”and ” someone stole my medicine and I just can’t make it without your help”.Some days,I can’t help but to hope not to wake in the morning.You have all the good thoughts I can muster,if you want them.

    1. Wishing You Well*

      I’m sending you good thoughts, too.
      There are opioid hotlines for families of addicts to get help and advice. A sympathetic and expert voice might help a lot. There’s also Narc Anon for friends and family of addicts. You’re not alone on this.
      Godspeed.

    2. DisgruntledDaughter*

      I’m sorry you’re going through this too. I hope the advice and perspectives from the other commenters bring you some comfort. It is so hard but please try to prioritize yourself. Your needs and feelings are important too. I’m sending many positive thoughts your way.

  86. Merci Dee*

    Y’all.

    Alita: Battle Angel in 3D.

    Oh. My. Gah.

    Just got out of this movie, and it was =awesome=. Granted, Alita has the enormous manga eyes that lots of people have commented on leading up to the release, but you don’t even pay attention to it after a few minutes. Other than to notice that her eyes are extraordinarily expressive for CGI.

    The action was amazing, the back story of Alita’s forgotten history sucks you in, and I wanted to throw something at the screen when the movie ended right before a major motor ball competition. They’ve got to have another movie in the works, and I would be ecstatic if it came out tomorrow.

    Lots of previews for movies I would like to see now. The preview for the live action Lion King looked really nice — fuzzy baby Simba!!!

  87. lammmm*

    Does anyone else have an odd hobby that you’re not ashamed of, but are fully aware that those around you would think is kinda weird?

    I like looking at Google Maps of places and save places that, if I ever end up in that city, I’d want to go to. And we’re not even really talking big touristy cities (though there are a few)… Most recent additions include Milwaukee, Grand Rapids, MI, and Charlotte, NC. Some of the places I’ve traveled for work (not that I’ve had time to do anything as it’s fly in, sleep, work, fly home), but some are just randomly selected.

    I also very much enjoy reading bad reviews on places as I enjoy the ridiculousness and how over the top some of them are.

      1. lammmm*

        It feels a bit odd when you know there is a 99% chance that you will either 1) never go to that city or 2) never have time to venture out and visit whatever place is saved.

        But I still enjoy it very much, so neither will stop me for planning for “some day.”

    2. Rhymes with Mitochondria*

      I do a similar thing with Google Maps. I also like to play Geoguessr and when I watch shows like Househunters, I try and find them on Google Maps. I can about 80% of the time! It’s how I find lots of the places I save just in case i ever go there.

      1. lammmm*

        I tried GeoGuesser, but would get too frustrated too quickly.

        I’ve never played that game with house hunters, but considering HDTV is my guilty pleasure while traveling (I don’t let myself watch it otherwise cuz I’ll become addicted) I may have to try it out!

      1. lammmm*

        Reading TripAdvisor reviews is like the guilty pleasure to my guilty pleasure. I typically stick with Google and Facebook reviews, but if I stumble upon TripAdvisor? Don’t talk to me for the rest of the night. At that point I am waaaay too invested in how the pool was closed and/or how the free breakfast wasn’t up to par.

        1. fposte*

          I love comparing the indignant high flyers who didn’t get the premium sleeve for their keycard to the poor innocents who ended up in a dump where their ceiling was five feet high because they split the rooms in half horizontally.

          1. lammmm*

            Yes! Just the other night I was reading reviews for a hotel. And while one person was complaining about not having extra washcloths, which was a common theme of the hotel, but I’ve never needed extras so was kinda confused, someone else was like “uh, there was blood on the walls so…”

    4. AAM Regular with Temporary Name*

      My husband used to “read” atlases the way the rest of us read books. He would take an atlas and sit with it for hours. He also read anatomy text books cover to cover as a kid, so this must of been more of that inquiring mind stuff?
      It’s not weird to me, FWIW.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I like reading cookbooks. I don’t cook from them much, but I like reading them! I like reading about the techniques and the ingredients.

        I also like making fun of online recipe reviews. If someone makes numerous changes to a recipe the first time they make it, are they truly making the same recipe? It’s ridiculous. I very rarely see someone say, “I made the recipe as written and here’s what I thought.”

        1. Parenthetically*

          Yes to both of these!! I actually prefer to check out cookbooks from the library because they’re fun reading material and inspiration but I almost never cook directly from one.

      2. 653-CXK*

        I did the same thing with road atlases when I was a kid…then I collected playing cards (still do) and math books. Hey, it keeps me off the streets ;-)

    5. Not My Money*

      I had a boss who liked to read Yelp reviews of strip clubs. Since we traveled for work there were always new places to discover.

    6. Roja*

      I do something similar. My biggest hobby is finding a place and learning everything about living there, finding a house, where the grocery stores are, everything. Or planning long and luxurious round the world trips. It’s perhaps a touch odd, but it basically makes me a geography trivia queen. And it can be useful; it’s actually how I found out about the city where I’ll be moving in the summer because I liked it THAT much (yes really). I also travel a lot so it comes in handy then too.

  88. Cherry Sours*

    How many folks out there have dealt with a broken leg that kept them out of work for three months?
    The first two weeks saw me at home with an Ace bandage and first crutches, then (thank goodness) a walker. Much more stable with this, and too old to care that it makes look older than I am.
    Now have a walking cast, hooray! On the down side, I have been told I am not allowed to walk in it. Can’t drive, either, since it’s the right leg. Have been spending way too much time online; also doing puzzle books and have jumped into my stash of books waiting to be consumed. Have been out the house only twice in more than three weeks, and beginning to go stir crazy. Looking at more than 6 weeks of “remaining home with leg elevated”, but suspect I will find a reason to sneak out for a bit when the weather is decent.
    So, finally to my question…how have you dealt with this situation? I am blessed with family who are generous with their time running errands & doing chores, and a couple of friends who have come by with food and good conversation. Have 2 upcoming doc appts, so at least those will be a bit of a reprieve, and the temp handicapped placard will come in handy.

      1. Cherry Sours*

        So looking forward to reading this, suspect it will be hilarious. Did find out the other day, FYI, that flying shortly after breaking a bone in foot, ankle or leg is a horrendous idea.

    2. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      Well, actually, I did drive, but it was an automatic. I practiced and adapted, throwing my right leg up onto the passenger seat (no high console) and accelerating and braking with my left. I was highly motivated – I wanted to go to my grandmother’s funeral. (I do not necessarily recommend this, but I had no recourse at the time and I was nearing the end of the aircast stage).
      I did spend the first 5 weeks with it up (almost toes above nose), but I worked from the recliner, using a lap board and the laptop.
      I should not be proud of this, but I’d worked six months on a major project, and the joint team of 3 presentation to our national stakeholders was that morning. Hubby drove me, helped me to the stage, and I presented my portion – on the way home from the ER and pre-pain med. I did go home and down for the count when the adrenaline wore off.
      I don’t know if I could have done it without work to distract me some. I had a lot of reading materials but somehow being told you have to be still, is so different from choosing to be still. And hubby was gone all day.

      1. valentine*

        throwing my right leg up onto the passenger seat (no high console) and accelerating and braking with my left. I was highly motivated – I wanted to go to my grandmother’s funeral.
        This sounds the intro scene for a movie hero.

        1. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

          And, if you want any detail…. I took off the air cast, hid it in my duffle, hobbled with a cane to the rental car counter, and then went into the bathroom and put air cast back on after getting the rental car. And it was December. In the snowy midwest, and a 120 miles from the airport to my home town. But yeah, motivated. (Song “I need a hero…” rings in my head)

      2. Cherry Sours*

        This is incredibly impressive. I’m not flexible enough to put my right leg on the seat next to me, but you certainly did have the proper motivation to do so. If found in the same situation, I suspect I would have done something just as desperate.
        Congrats on the successful completion of your work project! I had a recliner, but the sizing was wrong, so gave to one of my kids, and now the 3 year old grandaughter has claimed it as her own, lol.
        Laying on the couch with my leg on the arm is not as comfy as a recliner, but will work for the time being, especially as I have no work to attend to while healing at home.
        Your description of hiding the air cast, et al, is remarkable…you are my hero!

    3. Weegie*

      Became a podcast addict! And one of the podcasts I still listen to was started by someone laid up with a broken leg in order to counteract the boredom. Otherwise, I was determined to do as much for myself as I possibly could, so washing, dressing, cooking, minor shopping expeditions took up loads of each day. I also didn’t want to lose fitness/strength, so I invented and followed my own physio exercise regime: it was all fairly minor stuff, like stretching exercises or balancing beach balls on tennis rackets, but it created a sense of accomplishment.

      1. Cherry Sours*

        I have never listen to podcasts, (sorry, did not mean to shock anyone!) but sounds like this is the perfect time to begin. My daughter loves them, so she will likely have excellent recommendations.
        Washing & dressing I have done on my own since returning from the hospital, and it is a great boost to the self esteem. The washer & dryer are in the basement, so not reasonably accessible at the moment, but do taking from bedroom to living room, where I check for stains and pre-treat before a good friend attends to the washing-and-dry process. Have been told no weight bearing on broken leg, so real cooking is not working all that well, but I heat or reheat my meals in the microwave, then transfer to plasticware with a tight fitting lid for easy transport in a grocery bag. There is a coffee maker located next to the couch so I can make oatmeal, hot chocolate, and so forth.
        Coming up with an exercise routine sounds like an excellent plan, will look into developing something in the next day or two.

    4. Anono-me*

      You may want to see if you can have a physical therapy appointment now with the goal of retaining endurance, core strength and general fitness while you are laid up.

      You might also benefit from massage therapy. Currently you are using your muscles the ‘wrong’ way to compensate for the broken leg. This is going to make the rest of your body feel worse than it should.

      In your downtime, you could write a long letter to each of the important people in your life with your favorite shared experiences. You could also include photos.

      Wishing you good healing.

      1. Cherry Sours*

        Ah, looking into a physical therapy appointment, as well as massage therapy, sound like excellent ideas. Have written them down to check into later this morning. I like the idea of writing letters to the important people in my life, and that reminded me I need to get started on thank you notes to friends and family who have been lending me a hand in various ways during my recovery period.

    5. foolofgrace*

      I was in a combo of non-weight-bearing casts and moon-boot air casts for 2-1/2 years (first surgery had to be redone). I understand your predicament. I worked from home for part of the time but also put together scrapbooks and did needlepoint. And sometimes slept in a recliner because my ankle needed to be above my heart level. I also rented one of those things that are like a raised skateboard that you knelt on with your bad leg and propelled yourself with your good leg. Fun times.

  89. valentine*

    As required, I prepaid at a doctor’s office, but hospital billing applied the money to other charges. It’s a lot of money to me. I disputed the credit card charge and lost. The doctor’s office won’t put in writing that I paid for qrs service. Not even the receipt specifies. It looks like insurance covered qrs entirely, so I never owed. While I think that will help me with the dispute, I still need a document showing the payment was for qrs. I have emails out to the doctor and staff (but I think they will maintain radio silence) and my insurance (but I don’t know if they keep records of who asks for estimates) and a call in to hospital customer service. Is there another entity I could call upon? I can’t afford a lawyer.

    1. AAM Regular with Temporary Name*

      Send an email to your state attorney general’s office.
      Take your time to do a well written email. Line up dates, addresses, names and so on. The investment of time on your end laying out the specifics will make you sound very credible to the AG’s office and they might take it from there.

      1. The Cosmic Avenger*

        Or Google “[your state] insurance commissioner”. They may have a separate office, or may be under the state AG, but they may specifically handle health insurance disputes, and depending on your state, they may function as a consumer advocate. And the advice above on laying out specifics, in an objective way the way a court would want to hear them, should make it easier for you to get their support.

      2. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

        I don’t really understand the details here but it sounds like valentine owed the hospital money that the doctor’s office was affiliated with. When valentine paid for further treatment, it was applied to the overdue bill.

        Many US medical offices won’t provide additional care if you are overdue on a bill without settling up first.

        So it sounds like the use of the money was deceptive to valentine but owing it was not. I doubt there is any legal remedy with the state to get back money you paid that you did in fact owe.

        1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

          The only thing I can think of is if you had a payment plan with rhyour hospital already set up, you could call the hospital billing department and say you wanted to stick with the payment plan, not prepay with the fee to the doctor’s office. You still might not get your money back though.

        2. Mobuy*

          I agree. I don’t think there is any recourse to getting money back if you did, in fact, owe it to the organization you paid.

        3. fposte*

          I would agree. My health care provider did for a time allow patients to explicitly specify what the payment would be applied to at one point, but you had to clearly ask and to get extra paperwork, and I doubt that was something they were legally required to do. The default is that payment is applied to your account overall. It doesn’t sound like the provider has money they’re not entitled to.

    2. Someone Else*

      I’m a little confused. It sounds like you paid for something your insurance would’ve covered, and maybe that’s why they applied the payment toward other things? Or did you not owe for those other things they applied it toward either? It seems like it you prepaid for a thing that later turned out to be covered by insurance, it makes sense your payment would be applied to other charges that had a balance, rather than refunded.

      1. fposte*

        I think valentine didn’t realize that health facilities don’t handle payment on a per-service basis but rather apply payments to whatever is owed.

          1. valentine*

            When I paid for qrs with my credit card, I wasn’t agreeing to pay for anything else, and retainers are for the rich. I was waiting for financial aid to review the unrelated charges when billing made the unauthorized payments toward them. Billing said they don’t even handle qrs, that the doctor’s office should send me a bill. No one has said, “No, this is how it works. Sucks to be you.”

            It’s a con.

    3. The Man, Becky Lynch*

      They applied it to an old billing? As in a billing that you truly owed and not that your insurance company told them they had to write off? I only ask because there is an issue if you double paid for a service, that’s insurance fraud. However if you owed them for a procedure/visit/something from say May 2017 and that was sitting there, spinning on the books all this time. Then you had an appointment and you paid them a lump sum of say $300 thinking it was for the Current Services, then they are going to apply it to the old services. That’s because you owe them the money regardless.

      Sadly they’re in the right here. You owed them money. Maybe they were sneaky with how they recouped their fees from you by letting you think it was a pre-payment for Current Services but they didn’t break any laws as far it sounds with the post you’ve made.

      My coworker had to pre-pay awhile back and then when the insurance came back, it turned out they overcharged her a ton. As soon as she reached out and told them to look at the paperwork, they sent a check for the overpayment. If she had an outstanding bill though, they could have easily said that they were applying to that

      Another issue would be if you didn’t have a billing at all. They just need to show you where they applied your funds to prove that you owed them, which I’m sure they can.

      If someone cannot provide you with a detailed receipt at the time of payment, you should have a million flags being thrown. That’s sketch AF.

      1. valentine*

        Maybe they were sneaky with how they recouped their fees from you by letting you think it was a pre-payment for Current Services but they didn’t break any laws
        I get having an us-versus-them attitude, but why would the doctor’s office not just care, but be happy to act as a collection arm of the hospital to recoup an unrelated charge of less than $20? It at least breaks the credit card transaction agreement and I want to know why the bank’s okay with that.

        I was raised not to trust and it’s quite galling to learn I am still too trusting.

  90. Foreign Octopus*

    I’m having awful trouble with an order I made on Amazon through one of their suppliers.

    The delivery is over a week late and I’ve now had to purchase the product in the shop (I bought online because it was cheaper: Royal Canin food). I’ve told them I no longer want the product and I’m disappointed in the service because they said they delivered but I work from home and no one’s come a-knocking.

    They say that they will only refund my delivery when they receive the product back. They’ve accepted that I don’t have it but they won’t give me my money back until they get the product back from wherever the hell it is.

    This is my first time having any problems like this. Is this normal? And what should I do next?

    1. Rebecca*

      So porch pirates, or they delivered it to the wrong home and someone had a pet and thought, cool, free food!! I would start with the tracking number, and find out when exactly it was delivered. I know here UPS and FedEx scan the label when delivering, and when I picked up a package at my post office, the postmaster scanned it as well to show it was delivered. I’d escalate to Amazon – packages are stolen and go missing, this is not your doing, and you should not be the one tracking, filing claims, etc. The shipper should do so. Good luck!

    2. Weegie*

      It sounds like you’ve been dealing directly with the third-party vendor, who’s refusing to process the refund. Try triggering the refund request yourself via the Amazon platform (if you haven’t already done so). Not quite the same circumstances, but I did this when a seller sent the wrong goods and wouldn’t respond to multiple email requests. Amazon processed the refund immediately (and sent instructions for returning the incorrect order at no cost to me, which won’t apply in your case unless the order turns up eventually). I’ve never had a problem when I’ve had to invoke Amazon’s customer services concerning misdirected/lost/other weirdnesses with orders and third party sellers.

      1. valentine*

        I don’t recall how to access it, but you want help via the A to Z guarantee. Amazon will provide a refund and you won’t have to do anything else.

    3. Lcsa99*

      Contact Amazon directly through their chat option. They make it difficult to find but when you do, they can help and talk to the seller directly.

    4. Nita*

      No, this isn’t normal. I’ve had several Amazon deliveries vanish, and Amazon always refunded even though, for all I know, the packages never turned up anywhere. That’s kind of the point of refunds – if someone stole your package because the delivery people were careless, Amazon is never getting it back, but they’re still the ones responsible for either getting it to you or giving you a refund. If you’re talking directly to the seller, go to Amazon instead…

    5. Mobuy*

      Have you contacted the carrier? I had three straight issues with Amazon but all of them were FedEx’s fault.

    6. Not All*

      I’ve never ever had trouble with Amazon refusing to refund because of non-delivery (or stolen package). It’s actually one of the reasons I’ve kept using them. I don’t ever work through the third party though…I just go directly through Amazon’s refund/return.

    7. Mail Carrier*

      Most scanners have GPS. They can look up the tracking number and see where it was scanned. Will help determine if it was misdelivered or stolen.

    8. Tris Prior*

      Talk to Amazon directly. I sell on Amazon, and I have been held responsible by them when a customer’s package got lost in the mail. Amazon’s policies state that the seller is responsible for the package until it is in the customer’s hands, regardless of whose fault it is that it didn’t arrive. (Which, honestly, sucks for small handmade sellers like me, but is helpful when one is the customer.)

    9. HeatherB*

      Not sure about your amazon order but have you ever tried chewy.com? They are seriously the best, have the best customer service (a real human answers on the first ring) and the best prices for everything I buy. They carry royal canin. A while back I ordered the wrong food – totally my fault and I called them to explain. They said to donate the incorrect food and sent out an order that day with the correct food at no charge. I was so thrilled that I emailed them a photo of my dog saying thank you. They sent a hand painted canvas reproduction of the photo I sent. I LOVE them so much!!!

      1. Book Lover*

        I love chewy also. I have had a couple of glitches – one time food had opened and spilled (dry cat food) and they did replace the bag. Another time litter pellets had spilled and I just cleaned up and used the bag anyhow – I am sure they would have replaced if I had called but it was annoyance rather than a real problem.

  91. The Other Dawn*

    My sister-in-law put me in a dilemma last night. Not intentionally, and it’s really just me feeling obligated. She messaged me last night to say she’s going to be moving cross-country to be near her kids. Since my brother died in 2017 she’s had a rough time of it. She really can’t take care of a house by herself. She’s got many mental and physical health issues. Having to deal with the furnace breaking down multiple times (she’s in a northern New England state) this winter, among other house issues, and just being lost without my brother (he basically pulled her from the depths of her mental illness and kept her afloat), she’s decided she needs to be with her family, which is thousands of miles away on the northern West coast.

    In her message to me she said she’s not taking the two cats with her and should she bring them to a shelter. She didn’t ask me to take them, but I feel like I should. It’s mainly because they were my brother’s cats and having them is like having a piece of him. I missed about 30 years with him and had only the last 12 years. And then he got cancer and died. Also, I just can’t get over the idea of dropping these older cats at a shelter after their lives have already been upended; they were very close to my brother.

    The issue is I have 11 already and I had some big behavioral issues when I brought the last cat. Marty, in a couple years ago. That said, Marty is high-strung, and so is the cat that was having the issues, Leia. Basically these two are oil and water, but things have settled down a lot since then. I have the usual issues with multiple cats all living together, but nothing like I did two years ago. I worry that bringing in my brother’s cats will greatly upset the apple cart again. Although, these two are older and are pretty calm.

    I messaged my cousin, who was very close to my brother, to see if she wants them. She’s been wanting cats for years, ever since her’s passed away, but her husband keeps saying to wait until X happens, or we’re done dealing with Y. Basically he always has some reason that they need to wait, like they’re taking a couple weeks out of town, or a sick relative or something. If she takes them, I’d have to transport them about 2.5 hours to my house, and then 4.5 hours to her house. I don’t mind doing that, but I’ll definitely need to get the vet involved so they’re comfortable.

    I just don’t know what to do if she doesn’t take them. I just can’t stand the thought of bringing them to a shelter when I’m capable of taking them. My three siblings are not a viable option, otherwise I’d ask them first.

    1. cat socks*

      If I was in that situation, I would also feel awful about them ending up at a shelter. At the same time, it’s not always easy to add new cats to the family.

      Are you able to take them in and search for a new home for them in your area? I know that’s easier said than done. I’ve fostered a couple of strays in the past and was able to contact a local shelter to post them on Pet Finder and I got some interest that way.

      If you are driving the cats long distances, check with your vet about gabapentin. It’s a safe sedative for cats. I even used it on my cat with a heart condition because he got very stressed when going to the vet.

      Good luck. I hope the kitties are able to find a good home and it’s great that you are looking out for them.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Maybe you cousin can be persuaded because they were your bro’s cats. This might be the one exception for her??

      I think logically you know that these cats are not your brother. They were something he liked but they are not him.
      It’s good to hang on to these logical things. I have some sad stories about rehoming deceased people’s animals.

      [To those reading, please make a plan for your pet. Even a loosely constructed plan is better than no plan. If I can find someone willing to take my wild-child Not Dog, then there is hope for every pet. I am actually very happy, the person who would take this dog LOVES my dog. Who’d thunk.]

      You can try to advertise and hope for the best. But I think one-on-one conversations are the most persuasive tool. Who do you know who has a soft spot for pets? This does not have to be your BFF. It can be a coworker, neighbor, or the lady at the donut shop. Keep the story short but heart-grabbing. “My bro passed away. Now I need to find a home for his two older cats. Know anybody who might be interested in helping?”** People will speak up if they are willing to do it themselves. If not, they will indicate that they will keep an ear out.

      ** I had an aunt who was able to rehome two dogs, several cats, 8 parakeets and a tree frog using this method. Yeah, she moved a zoo. Use the back story to help motivate people to jump in here. The thing she did was ask someone every single day. She made a point of talking about it daily until all animals had a new home.

    3. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Ok, here’s my take, and you can dislike me if you want. No, you can’t take these cats. Very simple reason: you already have 11!!! cats. Yes, I know that you feel badly about the 2 cats, but your 11!!! cats have priority. They come first. You say that you’re capable of taking them, but I seriously question that. I have 2 cats, and my limit is 2. I am not capable of providing adequate attention to 3. If I had a shorter commute, that might be different. But 11? Not a chance.

      Hopefully your cousin will take them. If not, start looking into shelters in the area. There are no kill shelters (or ones that don’t kill for space, but may for other reasons), so you know that they would be able to be adopted out.

      1. valentine*

        I agree with I’m A Little Teapot’s first paragraph.

        But, The Other Dawn, do not take this on. You are not your SIL’s or the cats’ personal first responder. I hope it’s just the brother portion that is causing you to feel obliged, and that you don’t default to guilting yourself and assigning yourself far too much work. SIL hasn’t even asked this of you, though I understand you experiencing it as though she had. Just tell her yes, to take them to the shelter. I wouldn’t even suggest tweeting for homes for them because it leaves her carrying the burden longer.

        Do you really have the space, funds, and time for 11 cats? Can you cope if one or more of them need expensive surgery? Is there no senior cat shelter, like the Tennessee one for dogs? (I am thinking you’ve already taken on some older cats.)

    4. Someone Else*

      Where I live, it’s not legal for one person to have half as many cats as you do right now, let alone adding more. Before I’d even get to the emotional reasoning in this situation, I’d look up local regulations. If you’re already over the limit or this would put you over it, you have your answer already.

    5. ooffooClaire*

      Do you know of any local animal rescues (instead of the shelter) if your cousin can’t take them? I know they are generally also overwhelmed but if you start running out of options, you could try one before resorting to the shelter. Or set up so your SIL can take them to a rescue? Some rescues will also help with transport if your cousin does take them. It sounds like a pretty stressful task to take on, so sending you best wishes for a solution to come your way!

  92. Daphne*

    This is probably too late to be noticed – but spurred on by the message upthread about the fact that (usually) women go through name changes. I’ve never really liked my surname, not getting married anytime soon but would like to drop it in favour of my middle name (it’s technically another surname because my family is weird). Would I have to do anything official or just start using it? Anyone done this or know anyone who has?

    1. Not All*

      Assuming it’s in the US, yes there is a lot of paperwork involved. In Nebraska, total comes out to about $1500 for all the court, SS, DMV, etc fees. You also need to hang onto EVERYTHING because it can really glitch up things like retirement processing. Whether it’s worth it for you or not, I can’t say. I’m probably going to do mine when I move to a different state (Nebraska…as is the case for many things…is one of the worst in the country for this) since NE wouldn’t do mine to anything except exactly what it said on my birth certificate in my divorce and my biological father is such a dirtbag I wanted his name even less than my ex-husband’s.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Even in the US there’s a wide range. When I did mine in Washington state, I literally went in and filled out the form, wrote a check for $75, said “Yes sir, yes sir, no sir, no sir, yes sir,” and it was done within two hours.

    2. LNLN*

      Two women I worked with did this. They were unmarried and dropped their family surnames and started using their (traditionally feminine) middle names as their last names. They followed the local legal process for changing their names and and let us coworkers know when the process was complete. I am sure there were a few inconveniences, but the process seemed to go smoothly and the people we worked with respected the change. Good luck!

    3. Rebecca*

      My name change was relatively simple, because I was reverting back to my birth name after a divorce. Here in PA, it’s a little more complicated if you simply want to change your name:

      The Court of Common Pleas may issue an order changing the name of any person living in the county. An individual must start the procedure by filing a petition. The petition must contain the following information:
      The petitioner’s desire and intention to change his/her name;
      The reason for seeking the change of name;
      The petitioner’s current residence; and,
      The petitioner’s residence or residence for and during the five years before the time when the petition will be filed.
      A set of the petitioner’s fingerprints.

      Then there’s the publication in two newspapers, and something about financial standing, meaning you aren’t changing your name to avoid paying debts.

      So it can be done, but not just a one piece of paper, 5 minutes at the prothonotary’s office deal.

    4. Daphne*

      Interesting! Thanks all – I’m in Scotland but had a quick read and would probably need to pay for a ‘recorded change of name’ which is £40 then work my way through updating passport, bank details. It’s really just a daft idea at the moment!

      1. Parenthetically*

        The seemingly endless faff around updating the passport, driver’s license, bank accounts, and lord knows what all else is what kept me from changing my name when I got married.

    5. Aly_b*

      You may be able to do this professionally and in daily use without going through the full name change process if you prefer. My IDs all say Alexandra but day to day I’m Alex. You have to be a bit careful about filling the right one out on forms but since you’re proposing using part of your name already, not something totally new, this might fill your needs. Obviously might not scratch the itch but something to consider.

    6. EvilQueenRegina*

      My former coworker had some failed marriages and a few changes of name, and eventually decided to start using Firstname Middlename. I think she would have changed it by deed poll (UK), although she’d already done it before I knew her so I don’t know for sure.

    7. Aphrodite*

      I changed my entire name (first, middle and last) back in 1989. It isn’t that big of a deal though there are procedures and paperwork. There were two methods: the court petition method and the usage method. The court petition method can be done by yourself using the book from Nolo Press. You fill out the paperwork, name the reason you want the change (and it can be very simple), file the paperwork, run an ad for four weeks, and presto: the court orders the change. Using this method means that your birth certificate can be amended (which it cannot with the usage method) and your passport changed into your new name immediately.

      The usage method also has paperwork and other documentation but it takes a lot longer since you have to use the new name for a while before doing this. You cannot amend your birth certificate and it will take up to ten years to get your passport exclusively in your new name. Also, some places will refuse to change your name without an official court order.

      You will have to notify everyone regardless of what method you use. Government agencies are easy; they are used to name changes. But banks and investment firms and even utilities may require the court document. I ordered about 20 official copies in order to provide them to those that asked. Most were minor annoyances but one–Cox Cable–gave me a lot of trouble by claiming they could not change my name because other customers would try to get out of bills by changing their accounts into roommates’ names. The fact that I had never been late in more than ten years wasn’t convincing; I eventually had to go to the general manager who instituted the change immediately.

      I love the change. Personally, I’d recommend the court petition method. So quick and easy.

    8. Chaordic One*

      I once knew a young man who legally changed his last name to what had previously been his middle name. His given last name was a word that was commonly used as a term of disparagement, so I don’t blame him for changing it, although I guess his family was kind of hurt. He had to spend some money and had to go through a court though.

  93. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

    Any travel suggestions for places to visit around Dijon, France? We want to spend about two weeks kind of visiting the in-laws near there, but my other half doesn’t want to stay with them the entire time. We’re thinking of renting a car and going exploring but I don’t really want to spend all day driving anywhere. Some nice day hikes would be particularly good.

    1. Call me St. Vincent*

      Omg yes! Dijon is the start of the Cote d’Or So I suggest a tour of small burgundy wine towns. I had the pleasure of staying at an adorable inn in the village of Montagny les Beaune and used it as a base to explore all of the wonderful vineyards in the area. Beaune itself is a super foody town near Dijon but I recommend the small towns around it like Puligny Montrachet. Check out Olivier la Flaive which is a vineyard that has a beautiful inn attached in Puligny and they do amazing tasting dinners there.

  94. Nervous Accountant*

    Not much to share this week. Working today. My husband told my mom I work 7 days a week so she doesn’t expect me to take her around for errands all weekend. My husband is willing and does take her to her appts, grocery shopping etc. but she still seems to wait for my weekends to spring these things. I learned my lesson last week when I ended up spending 4 hours of a precious day off shopping.

    I had an appt booked for a psych consultation but the office cancelled it stating they no longer took my insurance. I got pretty upset about that and told them that they showed up in my providers’ list, they said they just made the change and in the process of updating it. Couldn’t argue wiht that. So now I’m trying to go through my hospital network but theres a million ph #s & unanswered emails, no one real person to speak to, etc.

    Something tells me it shouldn’t be so difficult to schedule an appt but maybe its not difficult and I’m just being lazy. idk.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      You are far from lazy. The real truth is our systems suck.
      Your mom is the one who needs a doc or two.

      Can you call your insurance for a list of providers in your area and call them directly?

      1. valentine*

        Your husband can give your mom chauffeur windows she can book and limit the time as needed, or she can budget for actual taxis.

        it shouldn’t be so difficult to schedule
        It really shouldn’t. It’s them, not you. It’s a pain, but try to find if the allegedly in-network providers have websites, so you can check they’re accepting new patients and with what insurance and hopefully save some calls.

    2. That Girl From Quinn's House*

      Re: Doctors on the insurance portal.

      I went through this last year when I was looking for a new doctor. It turns out that insurance companies do not update their list of in-network doctors/accepting new patients doctors all that often and they’re wildly incorrect. It’s faster to call the doctors directly and see if they accept your insurance and are accepting new patients, and what sort of referral they require- sometimes your insurance won’t require a referral but the doctor will not see you without one. I usually also call the insurance to double-check what their referral would be for that sort of doctor as well.

      I’ve mostly elected large sprawling medical/teaching hospital networks because it’s much easier to find doctors when everyone under the [University] Medical Center banner has centralized billing and thus accepts your insurance.

      I hope this helps, and I’m sorry this is so stressful for you!

      1. nonegiven*

        You don’t want ‘accept your insurance’ you want ‘are an in-network provider for your insurance.’

    3. Slimer*

      It is not you; it is them. A family member was involved in a traumatic event and I literally went through the insurance directory trying to get an appointment, and the only way for them to see someone sooner than 3 weeks was to have them admitted as an in-patient at a psychiatric facility, and that would be dependent on an ER assessment.

      The American healthcare system is in poor shape, and I find access to mental health care to be one of the most underserved areas.

      Be polite and persistent. Advocate for the care you deserve.

  95. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

    Trigger warning: tragedy

    I got the biggest shock of my life last week when I was about to post happy birthday on my cousin’s brother-in-law’s fb. He had a remembrance page indicating he’d passed. He was only 34; we’re not blood related but we’d say hi at reunions and we’d always say happy bday to each other.

    As it turns out, he ended his life in September. His friends had no idea until November when his conservative Asian parents had a memorial for him. He’d been engaged for a year at the time. His parents kept things so secret my parents and other extended family who knew him, had no idea he was gone. His older sister lives abroad and his brother is busy taking care of toddler twins.

    I wish I had the time to process this at the memorial instead of finding out on Facebook. Also, my parents offered their condolences and found out the deceased’s parents blame his grieving fiancée.

    It’s a terrible situation. And a horrible shock. He was the life of the party and I had no idea he was struggling. How do I process this and how do I help others who might be struggling in silence?

    1. Sam Sepiol*

      Oh my goodness. I’m so sorry. What a horrible way to find out. Sounds like an awful situation.

      If I can think of useful advice I’ll be back but couldn’t leave this unanswered.

    2. Sarah G*

      Sorry you are dealing with this. Suicide is a such a tough loss to process. I’ve experienced losing someone very close that way (serious boyfriend) and also more distant — people whom I wasn’t close with but still cared about, more similar to what you’re describing.
      As for the grieving parents blaming the son’s fiancée, try not to get emotionally wrapped up in that. They are processing the loss of their son to suicide, which may be even more complicated due to the cultural context (conservative Asian) which may increase their drive to find someone else to blame for their son’s death.
      When you ask how to process this, there is no one answer. Without the ability to attend a memorial, perhaps you can create your own ritual, which could include any of the following: light a candle, say a prayer, make a donation to a suicide hotline, and/or sign up for a local suicide prevention benefit run/walk in his memory. Also, could you reach out to your cousin (the one whose brother-in-law he was) and discuss and/or process this with her? Maybe she would even join you for an informal memorial, to discuss memories of him.
      You also ask how to help others who might be struggling in silence. There is no one answer, but you can remember to check in with friends and loved ones you know are having a hard time, or who may have struggled with job loss, break-ups, loss of loved ones, etc, or who have a history of struggling with depression. Don’t wait for people to reach out to you. But when someone is determined to end things, they are least likely to let others in or to ask for help, and more likely to hide their pain.

      1. Sarah G*

        Oddly enough, I *just* realized that today is the 10-yr-anniversary of my then-boyfriend’s suicide. Crazy. It is a relief to realize that what was once a horribly painful date is now only a sad memory. That I don’t wake up any more thinking, “Today was the day it happened.”
        As a friend once told me, “Eventually even the most painful loss, even the most unbearable grief, enters the realm of memory.” That has always been a comforting thought.

    3. Asenath*

      I so sorry to hear of your loss – and your shock at finding out that way. Try not to be too hard on his parents; after such a loss people often struggle and want someone or something to blame.

      Maybe you have a bereavement support group locally – here they’re offered for free through the health care, and I think there’s a special one for survivors of suicide. I found just the introductory session helpful – I think I needed to hear that I wasn’t going crazy and many people grieved as I was doing.

    4. NewNameTemporarily*

      My brother ended his life (seemingly abruptly) and sometimes, there is no warning. And sometimes, there is no blame, just someone’s pain becomes so great that they see no option.

      To echo what others have said, I have taken my own path to make peace. Donation to suicide causes, here in our area – we have a suicide awareness night/walk so supported via that, and volunteered to take special training in mental health issues at work. And learned to listen to my gut – any discomfort I might have in asking someone incorrectly if they “are okay” is more than outweighed now for me, by the discomfort of wishing I’d asked when I squelched it. (I subsequently had a boss also take their life, newly engaged and promoted, so theoretically had “everything.”).

      Sending hug if welcome.

  96. MsChanandlerBong*

    I tell you, I am really good at jinxing myself. My husband and I are going to Las Vegas in March. I’ve been feeling better since I started taking my new medication, so I thought, let’s book a tour to the Hoover Dam! They come right to the hotel to pick you up, stop at the Las Vegas sign for photos, and then take you right to the Hoover Dam. I joked, watch, I’ll book this, and something terrible will happen health-wise because I’m never allowed to have any fun. I kid you not, I was in the hospital four days later. I am home now, thankfully, but I would appreciate some good vibes for my upcoming trip. I want to feel well enough to enjoy myself! We got a Groupon deal on two nights at the Stratosphere, so I booked a dinner reservation at Top of the World for the first night of our trip. Saturday during the day is the Hoover Dam tour, and then we’re seeing a comedian perform at Caesar’s Palace Saturday night. We’ll drive back home on Sunday.

    1. Loopy*

      Sending all the good vibes. I get so antsy about things like this before trips/big events. I’m always worried about getting sick or injured right before something special, so I sympathize. Really hoping you have smooth sailing form now through the trip (and beyond of course!).

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        I paid for insurance on the tickets to the comedy show since they were so expensive. I can cancel the hotel up to 24 hours ahead and get my money back. I can also cancel my Hoover Dam tour within 24 hours of the departure time for a full refund. So I feel better knowing that if I have to cancel, I’ll only be out the $31 I paid for the ticket insurance.

    2. Zona the Great*

      Have you tried eliminating the depreciating jokes from your repitiore? I find those thoughts tend go come true.

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        That’s the way I cope without getting depressed, so no. Also pretty sure I didn’t joke my way into an uncontrollable infection while taking an immune suppressant.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Well I wanna look at this for a minute. Let’s say it’s true you did jinx yourself. Then affirmations would be your answer. Any time a negative thought about travel enters your mind, deliberately counter it with a positive thought.

      In my early years as a driver I got into four accidents over a period of ten years. (I was a passenger in two of the accidents.) These were decent accidents involving totaled vehicles. I said to my wise friend, “When will I stop having accidents?” To my annoyance, he said, “When you decide to stop.” Okay, I was pretty ticked at that response. How unscientific, how unfounded. I decided I was going to try this JUST to prove him wrong. Grr, I was really annoyed.

      It’s been 30 years and I have not had an accident since. It could be just an incredible coincidence. Or it could be that in the process of testing my wise friend’s idea, I became a more careful and more vigilant driver.
      So decide that you can and will go on vacation. Get really radical and decide you DESERVE vacations. Then take steps to take good care of you so you actually go.

      1. valentine*

        I agree with Not So NewReader. It’s like people who read their horoscope and make it happen.

        Are you afraid of travel, fun, or success? Do you not trust good feeling? Are you always waiting for the other shoe to drop?

  97. Ali G*

    Boring Tax Question (US):
    For a variety of reasons (mostly incompetence in the HR dept of my former employer), it looks like I will not have a Form 1095 for Jan-Mar 2018 – so I don’t have proof of health coverage for that time.
    I was on severance from OldJob and still on their health plan. Can I submit copies of my pay stubs that show I had medical insurance? Or is there another way? Why is this not on our W-2’s?? It would make life so much easier.
    Thanks for any ideas!

    1. Jane*

      Can you call your health insurance company and them to send you the form? I did that once when mine didn’t come one year.

    2. Nervous Accountant*

      Are you preparing your return yourself or having it prepared by someone?

      If the latter, I would inquire with the accountant preparing it. I know some practitioners will not hold up your tax return filing for this and just caution you to have some proof if you’re ever audited.

      If you’re preparing it on your own, you can still submit your tax return without having the form, and indicate you had insurance for the full year to not be penalized.

      Either way, just make sure you have some kind of proof if you ever end up audited.

      2. Ali G*

        Oh this is helpful. We get our taxes done through my husband’s work, so hopefully they will do it without a form for those 3 months. I think I’ll print out my pay stubs for those pay periods.
        Thanks!

    3. I'm A Little Teapot*

      You don’t need to submit the form to the IRS, so unless you get audited, you’ll be fine. Just save whatever evidence you do have that you had insurance.

  98. Loopy*

    This is late but hopefully some commenters are still around here! Help! I feel a cold sore coming on. I’m *always* so miserably self conscious with these, but this time, my wedding is next weekend!!!! So I’m living in ridiculous fear of having one with all eyes on me. I usually want to avoid even work and the grocery store so I really really have issues with these things. I just can’t stop how embarrassed I get.

    Right now I’m using a perscription from my doctor (Valtrex)that I started today
    Lysine
    OTC “Releeve” ointment.

    I *think * I see two tiny white dots at my lip line but not a formed sore yet- don’t feel a bump or have pain. Any advice out there for anything else I can do/success stories of preventing them at this stage??

    1. bibliovore*

      you are doing everything right. Stress is a trigger. So do what you can to mellow out. yeah, I know. make a checklist of wedding things and then let them go.

      1. Loopy*

        Luckily everything for the wedding is done so the *only* thing I have to stress about is this, ironically. I will try and calm down. Though I’m such an anxious person by nature!

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I did 3k of L-Lysine twice a day, when I had a cold sore. But with any luck, the meds will do the trick — I haven’t had a cold sore breakout since I started taking a daily Valtrex as a preventive. I used to get them like clockwork every vacation I went on, including my destination wedding, so of course there’s a big awful one in my wedding pictures :P

    3. foolofgrace*

      Oddly enough yogurt is good on cold sores, especially those inside your mouth. Just put a spoonful in your mouth and hold it on the cold sore. Actually, it might not be a good thing in conjunction with medicine, but it’s a fact to file away for the future.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Water. Please load up on water, make yourself pee, almost. We push so much garbage out when we eliminate, I think that if you add a regular daily amount of water to what you are already doing, you will be pleased with the results. Yes, you are going to run to the bathroom a couple extra times a day. Tell yourself, “This is what feeling better takes.”

    5. Anon IC*

      Are you taking the Valtrex every day as a preventative measure? If so I’d be really surprised if you had an outbreak. Both myself and my mother-in-law get cold sores. She’s super susceptible and even gets them from too much sun exposure so she was prescribed a daily preventative dose of valtrex (I think it’s around 500 mg) while I only get them a few times a year so I take a higher one-time dose (1.000 mg 2x day) when I start getting one. I also have a prescription for Zovirax cream that helps speed up healing, but can leave your skin dry and flaky. I’ve tried Lysine and OTC products, but honestly, the Valtrex and Zovirax are the only things I’ve noticed really help me in preventing them and/or shortening healing time.

      1. Anon IC*

        I should have said- Are you taking the Valtrex every day up thru the wedding as a preventative measure? If so I’d be really surprised if you had an outbreak.

        Also, congratulations!!!

    6. Mail Carrier*

      Put ice on the sore for a few minutes, then Abreva. Use it regularly for the next few days. I’m assuming you took the 4 pills for one day of the valtrex. Take one a day from now on for suppression. Best wishes! (Both on the wedding and the cold sore.)

  99. Junior Dev*

    I’m worried about this and I figure I might as well ask about it here. I’m wondering if I should offer to let a friend who’s having a hard time move in with me, and it seems like the right thing to do but I am wondering how to talk about and address some concerns I have.

    Friend is in his 40s, has a lot of mental health issues (PTSD and depression), and is currently in a living situation that exacerbates the PTSD a lot. He’s been unemployed for the past year and a half, though he’s done odd jobs and freelance work. He’s got a lot of anxiety around applying for jobs, and I don’t think he’s been doing it consistently, but he’s definitely got marketable skills and he has made a lot of money in the past.

    I am moving in a couple months, still looking at places. I could afford to pay his share of rent for a while as he gets things together but I don’t want a situation where he’s indefinitely depending on me, nor where I’m micromanaging aspects of his life I think he needs to fix.

    One thing I was thinking is telling him he can either pay rent or go to therapy (or a support group, or whatever). But then I get anxious because I have had an ex who I had to basically hold his hand and do all the work to get him to therapy and I don’t want that. I guess I’m anticipating that he’ll say “I can’t afford that” and instead of going into problem solving mode, I’ll have to say something like “I guess you’ll have to decide if doing the work to find a sliding scale therapist or free support group is something you’re able do in this circumstance.”

    I know talking about this it sounds like a bad idea in a lot of ways, but also, he’s a really good friend, and ultimately my moral and political values are that I should do what I can to help people.

    Has anyone done something like this? Has anyone given support to a friend or relative contingent on them addressing their mental health issues? I feel like it’s something I want to do but I don’t know how to have the conversation.

    1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      My gut feeling is that this could be a very bad idea. You might end up supporting him or needing to kick him out later. Is there another way you can support him? Drive him to therapy appointments, etc?

      1. valentine*

        Don’t take this on, Junior Dev. There doesn’t seem to be an option where you’re not providing medical aid and, if it became necessary, I doubt you’d evict him at his worst. I wouldn’t live with anyone I wasn’t prepared to evict or to call the police on at any time. Even without rent, he would have tenant’s rights at some point.

        Secure the housing option you need for yourself and don’t invite anyone else into it unless they can run their own lives and you’re willing to choose yourself over them.

    2. Loopy*

      I would agree that if you want to give support there are probably wiser and healthier options than having him move in- which has it’s risks. But also consider, if you let him move in and there are issues, it’s likely to actually ruin your friendship. I have seen this happen with friends who moved into together NOT during hard times. I know that sounds pessimistic, but he’d probably benefit more form having you in his life long-term than risking an uncomfortable situation that may arise and jeopardize the friendship.

      1. Overeducated*

        This is so true. One of my best friends and I had a really strained relationship for a while after being roommates, and there weren’t even financial support or mental health issues. Just common stuff like messy vs neat, early bird vs night owl, thermostat wars, etc. We got back to being good friends about a year AFTER we moved apart. Needed that much space to get over the roommate BEC feelings.

        Trying to save the friend this way could ruin the friendship, which would mean in the long run not being there for each other emotionally. A risk to consider.

    3. Jane*

      I once allowed a good friend of my roommate’s to move into our shared apartment while she was dealing with her own mental health and addiction issues.

      It was REALLY hard. More so for my friend even than for me, because I was better able to set boundaries and such because I wasn’t emotionally invested. Eventually, both of them came out on the other side OK, and this friend now has a decent life. But it was literally years of struggle (they weren’t living with me the whole time).

      There are a lot of ways to support your friend other than moving him in with you. But ultimately, HE needs to be the one to take steps to get out of his situation. Giving him a bigger cushion in which he can delay solving his problems isn’t really long term help, and setting yourself up as a caretaker of him may not be the best way to maintain your friendship.

    4. Theodoric of York*

      I have no direct experience with this, but I have seen a LOT of letters to advice columnists complaining about roommates with problems like the ones your friend has. Mostly, it seems that the writers are exhausted from trying to help and have no place to go to regroup. Many times, they don’t even like their friends any more. Letting him move in, on the condition that he “fix himself” is just another stress inducer for you.

      I think, if this is a friend you want to keep, help him move and support him, but keep your living space to yourself.

      As always, your particular situation might be different, but proceed with caution.

    5. LuckySophia*

      I understand your wish to “do what you can to help people.” But…I am not at all sure that letting this friend move in with you would actually help him. It sounds like you already realize that therapy is the only thing that would help him, and it sounds like you already know that he is going to resist getting therapy….whether the reason/excuse is the cost, or that he doesn’t feel up to “doing the work”.

      The main thing in your message I’m reacting to is your statement that: ” I could afford to pay his share of rent for a while as he gets things together…”

      But…given his track record, I don’t think it’s logical to assume he WILL get things together. Which will result in exactly what you don’t want: a situation where he’s indefinitely depending on you, or where you have to micromanage aspects of his life. I know you wish/hope/think that your “place to live” assistance would enable him to progress…. but honestly, I think it would just enable him to keep doing what he’s been doing.

      I think the best help you could give him would be to help him to identify a therapist or support group, and instead of subsidizing his rent, pay that amount of money directly to the therapist. (For whatever fixed period of time those dollars would cover; it’s important that you don’t take on that cost indefinitely/forever.) And be firm in letting your friend know that once your dollars run out, he will have to figure out how to continue the therapy on his own (whether via odd jobs, freelance work or getting a full-time job). But definitely, I would advise against letting him move in to your place; I am guessing that would end up being damaging to you, un-helpful to him, and potentially destructive to the friendship you now have.

    6. Zona the Great*

      I wouldn’t do this. It’s almost a sure way to lose this friendship. I would err on the side of helping people help themselves and I don’t think this is it. While it is a nice thing to do, the kinder thing to do would be to help friend find their own way forward outside of your home.

    7. Lilysparrow*

      I have only ever had terrible experiences with allowing struggling people to stay in my home “temporarily.” It turns into a serious lack of appropriate boundaries, dependence, resentment, and enmeshment. And it gets very very ugly when you finally have to make them leave.

      He is not going to leave his problems behind by moving into your home. He will just bring them along and make them your problems, too.

      If you are able and willing to subsidize Friend’s rent for a number of months, then have that conversation, set a hard limit on the amount and duration, and just give him the money.

      Under no circumstances should you move into a home you can’t afford on your own long-term, expecting that he will be able to share the rent later on.

    8. Not A Manager*

      Secure your own oxygen mask before assisting others.

      Seriously. There are better ways to help this person than to invite him into your home. Especially since apparently he hasn’t even asked? You might want to look a bit closer at your relationship with your ex, and why this even sounds like a good idea to you.

    9. Asenath*

      I don’t think it will work. In my limited and inexpert experience, it is nearly impossible to get someone into mental health treatment by making it contingent on something or other – and if you do, it might not work because they’re not working on their issues for their own reasons, but because they’re being pressured by someone else. It’s heartbreaking to watch, I know. Now, there may be cases where it will work – some conditions are treated fairly reliably by medication, so “you can stay as long as you’re on your meds” – maybe. But insisting on a room-mate working through complex issues as a condition of accommodations would, I suspect, be more problematical.

      And if you do decide to offer to have someone live with you, make sure that you have all the conditions set out in writing in advance. And if you know this person might not be able to contribute to rent for longer or shorter periods, ensure that you can afford the place on your own, and that only your name is on the lease.

      Sometimes, really, all you can do to help is offer short-term assistance – a listening ear, transportation to counselling or for shopping, if needed and maybe, just maybe, a little financial assistance or a few nights on the sofa.

    10. Koala dreams*

      I think it’s great that you can pay his share of the rent for a while, but save it for when he is moving out. Then you have time to find another room-mate. Him paying rent to you will help make your relationship more equal and will avoid resentment on both sides. Make clear from the beginning what happens if he’s late with rent, so you know what to do if that happens.

      It can be a lot of work to find treatment options, and if you have the energy you can put together a list of resources and how to reach them. Help-lines, clinics or things like that. Then after you give the list to him, let him do the work of contacting them. It’s no point in nagging someone to go to a therapist. Therapy requires the patient to be a willing participant, the risk is that he will be more and more against it the more he feels nagged by other people.

      Also, consider if low-key ways to help is better for both of you. Having a movie night or cook together now and then and talk about normal things can be great. Just because your friend is ill, doesn’t mean his whole life needs to centre around his illness. If you want to contribute monetarilly, giving him food now and then or treating him for a coffee could be nice.

    11. LibbyG*

      I think your struggle around framing this conversation comes from your recognition that the thing you want to offer (rent or therapy) would structurally change your relationship to this friend. You would go from being his peer to being his … I dunno, patron?

      There must be a way for you to leverage some of your own good fortune to help him take his next steps forward, but maybe another way for you to be generous and supportive *as a friend* will become clear?

    12. Indie*

      You’d have to go into this with a plan for both the best and worst case scenario. It doesn’t sound like you can (or should) be able to handle the worst case scenario, because that would involve kicking him out if he didnt hold up his end, and I don’t think the situation would be fair to either of you.

      Honestly it sounds awfully close to enabling. While your friend is this weak, it would be too tempting for him to just give up and lean on you if you were providing free living accommodation. Stay in front of him with encouraging words, not behind him encouraging him to drop into your safety net. The intention of the net won’t matter.

      It is hard to watch a friend struggle, but struggle is important for your friend’s sense of confidence. There are lots of ways you can help from the sidelines, and give practical help with job and flat hunting, without becoming his main support.

      My advice would be to encourage independence as an important goal. Let him know that you think he can do it with positive words and phrases, even if it is a long road. Definitely do not provide his living situation without giving him a chance to rise to the occasion.

    13. Jaid*

      Nooooo, don’t do it. My girlfriend has done this and it’s bitten her in the ass. It will backfire on you.

    14. Cartographical*

      My experience with this, with more than one family member, is that this is not a good idea. There are a lot of ways that you can help him that don’t involve him living with you. You can help with filling out forms, getting him what assistance he’s entitled to, you can make arrangements to pay for a certain number of sessions of therapy if and when he finds a therapist. You can help also with applying to jobs, not doing it for him but perhaps going out to a coffee shop with him and sitting with him while he applies — his therapist might be able to give you a script to use to help him deal with his anxiety as he does the work.

      Your moral and political values may want you to help people but you help is a wide category that does not involve you being in a position where you have to evict him from your home or go down with him. Tenancy laws are very specific and if he enters your home with even a verbal agreement that he can live there, if he gets his mail there, most local laws require a full eviction process if you need him to leave. Some states can take as long as five months, with a complete reset every time the process hits a snag. Living with someone in your immediate living space who is not well, not taking care of themselves, not contributing financially or practically, and who you are trying to evict is a disaster. I was fortunate that in both instances I knew other family members and health professionals would support me if I needed the person to leave but it sounds like you would be at the mercy of the local tenancy laws.

    15. The Man, Becky Lynch*

      I’ve seen this play out from an outside prospective, where my best friend’s family was dealing with their relative in the same situation. It was absolutely awful and created massive stress and horrific anxiety for everyone involved.

      He has to use this to find his own salvation, he cannot keep depending on the charity and goodness of his friends and family.

      It’s dangerous financially and emotionally for you to go down that pathway.

      If he had just recently lost a job and was feverishly looking, reaching out a hand to keep him above water is reasonable and goes over well usually. However given his track record, you just cannot take that risk.

      And I say this all as a huge risk taker. You have to weigh the cost of it all though and I worry because it’s also harder once he’s in your home. Think about what you’ll have to go through if you have to end up throwing him out.

  100. foolofgrace*

    It used to be that when you replied to a comment, the site would then take you to where you left the comment. But now it takes you back to the beginning. This is annoying.

    1. foolofgrace*

      When I added this new comment it took me back to where I left the comment (the end); but I’m betting that after I leave this reply it will take me to the beginning.

      1. foolofgrace*

        Yep, it did, back to the beginning. Maybe I’m imagining how it used to be (but I don’t think so).

    2. Loopy*

      I have it work both ways depending on which internet browser I’m using. I’ve found Chrome brings me back to my posted comment, but at least Safari definitely does not. Have you changed your browser?

    3. Someone Else*

      My experience has been that if the comment you just posted gets flagged for moderation (and thus isn’t showing up right this second) when the page reloads, you end up at the top. Otherwise, it puts you back where you were (at your now-posted comment). However, if you’re on a very slow connection (or just for other random reasons) the reloading is especially slow, it’ll sometimes go back to the top. I’m assuming this is essentially a timeout when it happens. If you’re consistently seeing different behavior, maybe clear your cache and cookies and see if that makes a difference? Also if you installed or enabled any new plugins recently, it could be the plugin changing the behavior on this site.

    4. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Nope, it should still take you back to your comment. If it’s not, it’s almost certainly because you have “set collapse all comments as default site-wide” checked at the top of the comment section (in which case it can’t take you back to your comment if it was a reply, because it’s collapsed). You can fix it by unchecking that box.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I have comments expanded and it does not take me back to my comment either. This happens randomly. Sometimes I think my comment is stuck in moderation. Other times I am not sure where it is. I scroll down and I can’t find it. Sometimes I can refresh the page and find it. And yet, other times, I finally remember to check on it the next day and there it is.
        I wondered if this happens when the site has a lot of people viewing it- as in there is just too much traffic and busyness. Or maybe it’s due to my region. I know there have been times where my internet was soooo slow and those were days when there was no school. Everyone was at home and on their computers. It seems better now, but I used to not even try to get online on a snow day.
        The vanishing comment doesn’t happen that often and it doesn’t bother me, it’s just odd.

        2. Ask a Manager* Post author

          If your comment is in moderation, it’ll take you back to the top (since the comment you just left isn’t there yet). Or if your internet connection is slow, it might go to the top of the comments while waiting for the rest to load.

  101. Dee-Nice*

    If you are estranged or partially estranged from family, what was your last straw? Is there anything the person/people could do to get you to change your mind?

    There’s been a small uptick in media awareness of the necessity for familial estrangement, but it’s still hard to find people IRL who know what it’s like. I myself have been no-contact with my mother for two years now and have no regrets, though it has sadly meant a partial estrangement from the rest of my family of origin because they are sympathetic to me, but aligned with her.

    My brother’s argument is that she is “not that bad,” and in comparison to many other people’s parents, she isn’t. But *I* couldn’t take it anymore.

    So how bad does it have to get for estrangement to be “justified,” in your opinion?

    1. Nita*

      I wish I knew. I’m not officially estranged – because it’s technically “not that bad” – but I spend my visits staring into space, pretending I’m at a boring but necessary work thing. My parents chat with my husband and kids, so my lack of presence isn’t that obvious. Honestly, I think I made a bit of a mistake letting things get to that point… I should have talked to some impartial third party years ago and made up my mind if I forgive them, or want to cut them out of my life. This partial estrangement is exhausting.

      But then again, years ago I was not in the position to cut them out, I was sticking around for the sake of other family members who have since passed away. I guess I made the only choice I had at the time…

      1. valentine*

        You don’t need a reason and all reasons are unreasonable. I know there’s an article like “She left me for leaving the dishes in the sink” or whatever and that was just the last straw, but it’s a perfectly fine reason. You can be one and done, no second chances or three strikes, and it’s possible no one will quite get it because only you have your particular relationship with that person. It was really hard for me to see that my siblings have completely different experiences with our FOO. It’s learning you’ve been programmed, gaslighted, and raised in a cult, because that’s what isolated nuclear families do and are.

        “Not that bad”? I hate to quote Hax, but she wrote, “Just because you can take the hit doesn’t mean you should stand in front of the fist,” and I think about that a lot.

    2. Someone Else*

      There was no one thing. At some point I just realized, I am an adult and I do not have to interact with people who 100% make me miserable every time I interact with them, even small interactions. It’s just not worth it at all. So I stopped.

    3. Not A Manager*

      For me, it was when the totality of benefits from remaining in contact was outweighed by the damage to me of remaining in contact.

      What I mean is, it wasn’t *just* “do I enjoy these interactions more than I dread them?” If that were the metric, I would have cut of contact a long time before. It was “what do I get out of these interactions” PLUS “how important is faaaaamily to me?” PLUS “what will this do to my other relationships?” PLUS “how guilty will I feel?” PLUS “do I have any good memories?” Etc. And when ALL of those benefits were outweighed by the dread and actual physical illness, that was when I cut contact.

      Later, that metric changed. My relative became terminally ill. “But family” and “how guilty will I feel” and “what will this do to my other relationships” all shifted a bit at that time. I didn’t make a personal visit to see the relative, but I did have occasional phone contact, and I sent care packages.

      It’s very sad for me, but I don’t regret my decisions.

    4. Britt*

      IT IS UP TO YOU. IT IS UP TO YOUR BOUNDARIES. YOU WILL CONTINUE TO GET WHAT YOU CONTINUE TO PUT UP WITH.

      You don’t need to think of it like a decision to estrange or not. It’s your decision what kind of environment you want. You get to say, “This is how I want to be treated.” If they don’t treat you like that, you leave. You can give them another chance. If they refuse to respect your boundaries, you enforce your boundaries. It’s really up to THEM if THEY are willing to respect your rules.

    5. Just because she is your mother is not a reason*

      Its not a contest. This is not a debate. I had to go through two therapists before I actually could hear the words, “do not have contact with your mother.” “do not dial pain” “do not go to the hardware store for oranges” Your relationship with the individual who gave birth to you is no one else business.
      You do not need to justify, list her behavior, list your responses, and enlist allies. I am the only girl with three brothers. Each of my brothers has a separate and different relationship and experience with my mother even though the 4 of us are within 4 years of each other. Therefore.
      My experience. The last straw was her behavior to me in reference to my wedding. Four months of manipulative phone calls led me to say, you are not invited to my wedding. Our estrangement began at that point.

      Questions to ask- would you accept her behavior from a co-worker, a spouse, another relative? Do you make excuses for her behavior to friends and family all the while wondering and obsessing about what you could have done better in X situation?

      I worried a lot about “what other people thought” for awhile but truly it was a relief. I did continue with therapy and examine my part. After three years we began a letter correspondence. I needed that distance. That was enough for the next 30 years.

      I hope this helps.

      1. Britt*

        This was such an amazing response. I also really appreciate this line that I feel like people don’t bring up enough: “do not go to the hardware store for oranges”

    6. Not So NewReader*

      My suggestion is to read some books about mother-daughter relationships. You will read some really bad stories but you will also see some less bad stories that have common threads with the really bad stories. It’s like you can picture the story turning really bad if the daughter had stayed active in the relationship. I started to see patterns after reading a few of these books and understanding how the patterns worked.

      Overall there are a few things I think about and this is just in general with relationships:
      -if conversation feels more like drowning than it does conversation.
      -if I have to become someone I am not to keep the relationship going (this can simply mean I have to be tough all the time).
      -if I am in danger of physical injury, psychological injury or financial injury.
      -if there are on-going head games such as gas-lighting, lying, etc. that preclude ever having a real relationship.

      And this is just some of the stuff I look at. In some cases all a person needs is one of these things, such as they do not feel physically safe around their person. That’s enough right there.

      I have only backed away from people a few times in my life. Usually it was because of a combination of things such as gaslighting, conversations that felt like drowning/suffocating and I found myself angry or crying more often than not. I have tried going back later to those few people and found they were pretty much unchanged. I saw that in the mother-daughter books also. Many times the mother did not change but the daughter aged enough so that she was able to have more coping tools and she built her own life totally independent of mom.

      This is something that is so uniquely yours that it’s really not right to compare what I or anyone else has done. You might have handled my mother and been okay. Differences in people. And it could be that your mother targets you with her worst stuff so other people never will totally understand what it is like to be you. Because she does not treat them the way she does you. None of this is fair of course, but just being able to have words to describe what is going on can be very helpful for your own peace of mind.

      I’d also recommend boundaries books. These books will also help you articulate where your lines are, what you will and will not put up with. I walked out on a family member who called my husband stupid. Yeah, there are nastier words they could have used. It was the intent behind the words, the huge negativity behind the remark and the intentionally cutting tone of voice. One would have to have been there to fully appreciate just how nasty that remark was. This is just like only you know how deep your mother’s words and actions cut you.

      Out of everything I read the most helpful piece of advice was to find out about mom’s early years. How did she get to be the way she is now. I never found out because no one really knew. I guess that alone is very informative for me. Why did NO ONE know.

      1. Britt*

        I saw your comment and thought it was really interesting because I feel like women are poorly portrayed in stories often. They learn to put down their boundaries rather than enforce them. I guess I just haven’t seen any examples of what you’re talking about in literature.

        Especially movies. In Ladybird, it totally blew my mind how not self-aware the movie was. The writer legitimately thought that that was a version of a loving relationship. I didn’t see any mainstream discussion about the emotional abuse the mother put the daughter through. Just something on a subreddit.

        2. Not So NewReader*

          Yeah, literature won’t help. A few English teachers I know are on anti-depressants. I can understand why, if I had to look at human suffering every day with a microscope, I don’t think I would be doing well either.
          Literature does serve a purpose. It won’t serve OP’s purpose for finding new ways for dealing with old problems. Enter self-help books, advice columns and so on.
          Years ago, I googled mother and daughter relationship books and I was floored by how much I found that is out there. There is a big need for this type of help. It’s not just a few people like OP here and there, it’s a LOT of people searching for new responses to old issues.

    7. noahwynn*

      My immediate family is great but my extended family is another story. The last straw for me was making comments about my sexuality and being openly hostile about it and saying my boyfriend wasn’t welcome at a family event where other spouses/partners were. I finally realized that there are way more people in the world besides my extended family and I’d rather spend time with people who accept me and who I enjoy being around.

      It wasn’t the only situation but it was the final straw for me. Honestly, I don’t miss them, at all.

    8. Red*

      My mom called me names, kicked me out of the house, and stole my money. That was an easy, clear-cut decision.

      My dad, however, wasn’t so easy. He was abusive to the whole family for the entirety of my childhood, and I didn’t decide I had enough of it until I was about 17. At the time, he and my mother were divorced, so I was staying with him on weekends and Wednesdays. He didn’t really feed my sister and I, we shared the couch as a sleeping area, and he mostly just did drugs (mostly pot, but a not-insignificant amount of cocaine) instead of actually being a parent. I realized I could take no more when I woke up from a PTSD dream of his violence, realized I was in his apartment, and found myself brainstorming ways to sneak out, fill my backpack with rocks, and jump off the nearby bridge. It wasn’t the first time I had thought like that, but it was the first time I realized just how awful his presence in my life was. It’s like getting in a bath and the water slowly cooling. The water will get really cold before you think of it, even though you’d have realized it was cold much sooner if you were just dipping a toe in, because you were sitting in it and slowly adjusted to that “normal” water temperature. Eventually I realized the water was f’ing freezing and my fingers were getting pruney. That’s when I decided it was time to get out of the tub, so to speak.

      So, my take on it is, estrangement is “justified” when you realize the water is too cold for you. Everyone has different temperature preferences, and what you might find awful might be nice and toasty for someone else, so you really can’t make this decision based on the experience of others. As hard as it is, you just have to trust yourself to choose right.

    9. Cartographical*

      I’m estranged from my family, voluntarily. I should have done it 20 years earlier, to be honest. If it’s bad enough for you to think “I would be better off never seeing these people again” then that’s enough for me. Estrangement does not have to be unkind or destructive, it can simply be: “I need to not see you, for my own health, I wish you the best.” That’s not unkind, even if it’s not well-received.

      Personally, I realized was going to therapy to try to be okay with and survive how dysfunctional they were instead of going to therapy to recover from how dysfunctional they were and how dysfunctional I was as a result. I had to pick one and I picked the latter, which necessitated estrangement.

    10. Slimer*

      It was realizing that the physical and emotional abuse wouldn’t stop, and that my young children were witnessing it. I kept thinking when “x” happens, it will change. But “x” would happen, nothing would change, and I’d move the goalposts again.

      An opportunity arose for us to live separately, and I took it. I’ve blocked the person’s cell phone and blocked them on all forms of social media. It’s hard because many mutual family members have maintained relationships with both of us. I find myself limiting the information I give them, because I think they will share. I kept the abuse hidden, so they can’t understand my need for privacy and absolute refusal to reconcile.

      You only get one life, and if yours is safer/calmer/happier without someone in it, you should make that change.

    11. Distant Daughter*

      I feel like, for various reasons, lots of families don’t work – in that ‘OMG we are all just so super close and AMAZING and like, wow, best friends!’ Or even the ‘you drive me to distraction but I would kill for you, because family is more important than ANYTHING.’ The narrative around family is always so dramatic. I feel like I see it even in ‘chosen families’ in communities that have often been ostracised by their birth families – that this unit must be the be all and end all, and I think it’s just too much pressure a lot of the times. Most human collectives do better I think with a hefty dose of reality and less pedestal posing.

      For me, it was when I realised that I did not feel close to my family members and, that wasn’t entirely my fault, because they did not in fact have my back. Kill for me? My family sometimes can’t manage to be basically polite to me. I realised that we were all telling ourselves lies about what this unit was capable of or willing to do for one another; and working so hard to make us something we’re not stopped being worth the effort. I also realised that it is not normal to get sick with nerves for six weeks before a visit home, every single time. I was preparing myself for battle because I’d been caught off guard too many times.

      My family are messed up, and they don’t treat me very well, except when it suits them. But they are not the worst people. They are very good to many others and are rightfully loved by plenty in their various communities. It doesn’t change my feelings and what I need to do to take care of myself. My family and I are a bad combination, except in very controlled situations. I make the choice to be in contact because of the nieces and nephews. I reserve the right to make a different choice at any time. And this helps me – a lot.

    12. Anypenny2312*

      Everyone gets to establish their own limits for what actions, behaviors, or events will necessitate an estrangement. The only person who gets to justify an estrangement is the person cutting off contact since they are the one receiving the negative, harmful feedback. My husband and I are in the process of establishing an estrangement with my parents but my estrangement level will be different than my husband’s to a minor degree. My husband will be completely cutoff while I might still keep their numbers. (I am quite honestly still in shock)

      That said. Our estrangement is the result of verbal and psychological hostility towards my husband directly stemming from his mental health in addition to unrealistic and outlandish expectations regarding our mutual living situation on top of other issues. (My parents were letting us live with them) Sometimes family members do or say things that immediately stand out as beyond forgivable. Other times it is a build up of smaller moments.

    13. Not All*

      I am estranged from both my aunt and uncle (siblings; my parent is the 3rd sibling & the only good human being of the 3). My uncle is every racist uncle joke you’ve ever heard…only it’s not a joke and I truly believe that the only thing that has stopped him from being a mass shooter in a MAGA hat is that he’s too drunk most of the time. The aunt is worse. Much worse. Pick every value I hold, and they are the opposite. I tried to just avoid them for years and years, but Trump has freed them to be openly what they were sneakily before and I can’t take it even for love of my wonderful grandma.

      For me, the threshold was “is this someone whose presence I would tolerate one word that comes out of their mouths if there was no genetic relationship?” Since the answer was no, I don’t expect to ever see or talk to either of them again unless they bother to show up at my grandma’s funeral (rest of the family is gone; they’re also banned from my parents’ life for the most part).

    14. Undine*

      I was backed into a corner. I went through a major depression and noticed that the suicidal ideation was much worse when I had contact with my mother. I tried to make a soft break and enforce some boundaries, but that didn’t work. I picked a hill to die on (don’t come over to my place unannounced), and asked her to apologize for doing it and promise never to do it again. She still hasn’t.

      The way I look at it now, it isn’t that this hill is the “right” hill, it’s that I have the right to say “no” and be heard. This was the no I picked, easy to define, definitely within her ability to comply with. There’s no point in second-guessing if it’s the right hill. The way she’s reacted would have played out the same no matter what chose. I stick to it because it’s a clear and simple message and that means *I* won’t forget.

    15. Dee-Nice*

      I posted this pretty late in the weekend, so not sure if anyone’s reading anymore, but I appreciate the comments. It’s interesting to me that one common thread is no one seems to have regrets. Maybe we wish things were different, but we’re at some measure of peace with not accepting things as they are.

    16. OtterB*

      Late response, but there have been 10 years of discussion of this and related issues on the “Dysfunctional Family Day” threads at Making Light. I’m including the link to the beginning of the most recent thread, which has backward links to the others. There’s less discussion there than there used to be, but there will still be welcoming responses to a newcomer. Making Light in general has discussions about all kinds of things, with a leaning toward science fiction and fantasy, and a deep commitment to civil discourse, meaning the comments are not toxic. The Dysfunctional Family Day threads goes even further in moderating as needed to make the discussion safe for people whose experience is decidedly not “but they’re FAMILY!”

      https://nielsenhayden.com/makinglight/archives/016519.html

      https://nielsenhayden.com/makinglight/archives/016519.html

  102. Britt*

    I can’t eat corn anymore!!! If I eat it, I get stomach cramps, and I can’t even sleep well! It’s so weird!

    Anyone know how this happens? Should I stay away from corn starch too? I honestly don’t know what triggers it, but it’s definitely corn!

    1. foolofgrace*

      Corn passes right thru the digestive tract and out the other end untouched unless you chew it well. I had colon hydrotherapy once and the attendant could see all the undigested corn go thru. Don’t know if this helps any but it’s an interesting factoid.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      For me corn and other stuff gets caught in my gall bladder. Fun stuff. (not). I don’t think corn breaks down that well. Not to be too gross but if I feed my dog corn, I can tell when I go to clean up the dog run. I have heard mothers comment similarly about their kid’s diaper. It just doesn’t break down well.
      I avoid all corn products now. I just don’t want to eat things that cause my body to work harder than it needs to.

    3. Anono-me*

      I’ve been told sometimes people have trouble digesting the outside ‘skin’ on a kernel of corn.

  104. Loux in Canada*

    Alison, how many cats do you actually have? (If the answer is 5 cats like in the picture, it may reinforce my decision to get a second cat… I shouldn’t… but I want to…)

  105. Finstagram*

    I just read Seven Days of Us a few weeks ago and I liked it, much more than I expected to. It was a great read and I’m planning to keep it around for holiday re-reading.

  106. Cherry Sours*

    I have never listen to podcasts, (sorry, did not mean to shock anyone!) but sounds like this is the perfect time to begin. My daughter loves them, so she will likely have excellent recommendations.
    Washing & dressing I have done on my own since returning from the hospital, and it is a great boost to the self esteem. The washer & dryer are in the basement, so not reasonably accessible at the moment, but do taking from bedroom to living room, where I check for stains and pre-treat before a good friend attends to the washing-and-dry process. Have been told no weight bearing on broken leg, so real cooking is not working all that well, but I heat or reheat my meals in the microwave, then transfer to plasticware with a tight fitting lid for easy transport in a grocery bag. There is a coffee maker located next to the couch so I can make oatmeal, hot chocolate, and so forth.
    Coming up with an exercise routine sounds like an excellent plan, will look into developing something in the next day or two.

Comments are closed.