weekend free-for-all – February 9-10, 2019

by Alison Green on February 9, 2019

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: Late in the Day, by Tessa Hadley. Two close-knit married couples unravel when one of the husbands dies unexpectedly. That sounds horribly depressing but somehow it’s not? The Washington Post called it “romantic comedy pulled by a hearse” and said, “The whole grief-steeped story should be as fun as a dirge, but instead it feels effervescent — lit not with mockery but with the energy of Hadley’s attention, her sensitivity to the abiding comedy of human desire.”

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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  1. LDN Layabout*

    Thanks to everyone last week who gave me advice on American chain restaurants/plus size shopping! (I didn’t have internet access unexpectedly after posting and came back too late to really comment :()

    And to put some minds at ease, definitely won’t be missing out on independent places along the way, but those are easier to judge with research (although at this point I feel like 99% of all my time in New Orleans needs to be spent eating…)

    1. MysteryFan*

      Oh yes on the eating emphasis! In fact, when most of our friends get back from a trip to NO, the first question is “What did’ya eat?” lol

      1. LDN Layabout*

        In my case, a lot of seafood. I’m ending the trip in Boston so I’ll be on shellfish overload by the time I’m done.

          1. Falling Diphthong*

            Seconding this. Great for any seafood you particularly like, cooked simply. I like their fish stews.

            For children, the ravioli are shaped like fish! Which clearly makes them good.

        2. Seeking Second Childhood*

          I’ve heard good things about their Chinatown.
          And my family likes the Faneuil Hall food court for sheer variety in a single destination.
          (Just do remember as you look around that one of the moneymakers sold there was *people*. I was glad to hear there was finally serious progress on a memorial acknowledging that part of New England’s history. But I’ve heard nothing since summer 2018. If you go, consider asking where it so businesses there see there would be interest.)

    2. Parenthetically*

      Hahaha! Yes, anyone who goes to New Orleans will definitely be quizzed on what they ate! Yummmmmm!

      1. LDN Layabout*

        I’m really looking forward to trying the sort of Cajun/Creole food we really don’t get at all in the UK.

        1. Parenthetically*

          Crawfish etoufee is my ultimate favorite Cajun/Creole dish. It’s… gorgeous. Oh I’m so jealous of all the amazing food you’re going to eat!

          1. The Dread Pirate Buttercup*

            Southern Candymakers. They are brilliant. Try one of everything, they just keep surprising.

    3. Llellayena*

      I recommend one of the food tours by Tastebud Tours. You get a good overview of the local cuisine so you know what to order later!

      1. LDN Layabout*

        At the moment we’re torn between doing a food tour and putting together the research I did into an epic Happy Hour food trawl XD

    4. ArtK*

      We’re going to NOLA in March for our 10th anniversary. You can bet that we already have a food plan. It’s a foody’s paradise. It’ll be a combination of old favorites (the Gumbo Shop for our first meal and Commander’s Palace for the official anniversary dinner) with some new places.

      1. LDN Layabout*

        Commander’s Palace is definitely my ‘I really want to go’ on my list (I…was a teenage goth who mainlined Poppy Z. Brite) along with Toups’ Meatery (because I’m a Top Chef junkie).

        1. ArtK*

          It’s an amazing restaurant. We’ve eaten there several times over the years, both brunch and dinner.

          That’s not to say that there aren’t a lot of restaurants that come very, very close. Brennan’s is one (run by Ralph Brennan — one of the cousins.) Galatoire and Antoine’s are both classic, old school restaurants.

          We also love the Court of Two Sisters for brunch.

        1. ArtK*

          It’s ours, too. Our favorite on the West Coast (where we live) is Napa Rose — it has the same old-school level of service and fantastic food.

      3. WhiteWalkerOnTheWall*

        MoPho right on the outskirts of City Park is amazing! Creole and Vietnamese fusion…..yummy.
        Cafe Degas is also good, on Esplanade.

    5. Anonapixie*

      Can confirm, you will eat your way through NOLA. Source: Have been there three times, still eat my way through it.
      Highly recommend Saba if you can get into it, for lunch or brunch– it’s near(ish) to the zoo, so you can combine the two. That was my favorite day of my most recent (sept 2018) trip!

      1. LDN Layabout*

        Saba’s on my (very overlong at this point) list, but I think the focus is going to be the kind of food we really don’t get in the UK vs. I know places I can get similar meals to Saba? Even though it looks /really/ good.

      1. LDN Layabout*

        Not a beer person but I find stuff like this fascinating! Food/Drink history and development is always so interesting.

    7. socentury*

      A New Orleans recommendation, if you get tired of super cajun/creole food – Vessel NOLA. It’s not in the French Quarter, and is a little more off the beaten path. It’s an old church that has been converted into a restaurant and it was probably my favorite meal in NOLA. (We stumbled onto it because it was walking distance from our AirBnB.) I had a salad with a crispy poached egg (like, the outside was fried but inside it was still a poached consistency) that I’ve been trying to replicate since, and some amazing cocktails.

      1. LDN Layabout*

        Ooh, I do love a restaurant in a re-purposed building, one of my favourites in London for good trashy food is in an old Christian mission.

    8. Drago Cucina*

      Let me put in a plug for my favorite NOLA bar—Back Space. Everything is literary themed, the food is good, it has big, leather club chairs. It’s more a neighborhood bar feel than a Bourbon Street get wasted on $5 drinks.

    9. Suekel*

      In Boston, you must visit the North End for amazing Italian food. My favorite is La Famiglia Giorgio.

  2. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Writing thread! How’s everyone’s writing going?
    My characters are such nerds and I love them but that won’t stop me from putting them through HELL.

    1. Lucy*

      A couple of weeks ago I asked the commentariat whether I should try converting a bit of writing that wasn’t working as a short story into a screenplay. Well, with your encouragement I asked a screenwriter friend for pointers, and now have The Best App. It’s flowing much better in this format and I’m excited to work on it now. Thanks everyone!

    2. Sapphire*

      Ugh, I have to write out my stand-up routine because I’m performing at an open mic this Tuesday. I’m very nervous that my jokes aren’t going to land, but I also know this is a kind crowd. I also got some new ideas for my Macbeth adaptation where no one will say his name, so I really want some free time to work on that, but stuff that has a deadline takes priority.

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        Oooooooh, do let us know how that went! I have no experience with open mics or stand-up comedy so can’t really offer advice there (anyone else wanting/able to weigh in here?)
        That Macbeth idea sounds pretty interesting!

        1. Sapphire*

          I’ll let you know during the next free-for-all how it went! It’s this Tuesday and my partner is coming to see it.

      2. WoodswomanWrites formerly Woodswoman*

        Sorry to hear you’re still in that situation. I’m rooting for you and hope the perfect job appears soon.

    4. Foreign Octopus*

      I’m starting the editing process on the very first draft of my very first novel this week and I’m both nervous and excited about it. At the moment, the manuscript stands at just over 50,000 words so I need to work on filling in the details and fleshing out the scenes and I know that one edit won’t do it, but I’m excited.

      How do you lot edit your work? Straight on the screen or do you print out and annotate?

      I’m thinking about printing out as it’ll be easier for my mind to focus on the overall story rather than chapter by chapter.

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        I usually annotate on a hard copy too. Then again, I do tend to write first drafts by hand, so I don’t really have another option.

      2. Elizabeth West*

        I do the big chunks onscreen. I don’t print it out until I’m ready to do a line edit and/or proofread.

      3. Bookslinger*

        I do very little editing as I write. If I can’t think of the word or phrase I want I put a note in brackets and fix it when I edit. The words won’t come if I agonize over each one. When it comes to editing, nothing works like reading aloud. A text to speech program helps, too. You’ll catch awkward phrasing that way. Some people swear by typing the entire novel word by word all over again, but I’ve never tried that. I like to do my first serious edit with a printout and pen. My mind works different once it’s away from the computer.

    5. The Brazilian Hobbit*

      I’m still in the ‘this is a huge mess’ outline process, and hoping it won’t make me fully insane by the time the outline is done.

      Happy writing, everyone!

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        Considering I use sticky notes stuck around my desk for outlining (seriously, my desk space looks like I’m either a conspiracy theorist or a serial killer) I never really get out of that “this is a huge mess” process ^^’.

        1. The Brazilian Hobbit*

          Depending on what you research, you might even be on a list somewhere. I’m pretty sure I am. XD

  3. WoodswomanWrites formerly Woodswoman*

    My family and I have been incredibly fortunate to have our wonderful mother going strong for so many years. She has defied time, dealing with the kinds of things that come with being 91–creaky joints including two that have been replaced, vision challenges, and being wobbly and using a walker. But in the big picture, she has been so physically and mentally healthy with none of the big challenges that accompany aging. Although she lives in a retirement facility with life care in case she ever needs greater physical or medical help, she still has her own apartment, has a solid group of friends, and enjoys volunteering in activities.

    Until now. In the last couple months, her mental acuity is slipping. She is also coming down to the last of her money in about a year and a half, and that is causing her anxiety because she has the classic issue of not wanting to burden her children to support her. With me, she is typically smiles and laughter most of the time. I am the only one of her four children who lives locally, but on the phone she tells my sister that she’s ready to die and doesn’t want to outlive her money. Going with her to medical appointments, her doctor suggested she go on an anti-anxiety medication but she has declined.

    A couple days ago, she called my sister to tell her about an experience we had together. Then she forgot she had already done so, and called her back the next day.

    While I know this journey of accompanying parents through the aging parents is universal, it is hard. While every medical check-up determines that physically she is strong and healthy, I think she’s mentally ready to leave.

    On a recent visit, I walked through her apartment and surreptitiously looked around for hazards, and there are none. She has no stove since she eats in the dining room mostly, just a microwave and no dangerous electrical appliances to accidentally leave on, no throw rugs she could slip on. She is diligent about using her walker outside of her apartment, but I think it’s time to suggest she get something she can wear around her neck in case she falls.

    My sister and I are a good team. She is terrific at logistics and navigating the labyrinth of finances andavailable services, and I am here to take care of things in person. Next week I’m going to see if I can set up a visit with the local government agency for aging and check in about what financial services might be available.

    I appreciate having this site to share–thank you, Alison–and I welcome hearing from those who have been on this journey.

    1. Asenath*

      Much sympathy – I know this is hard. Perhaps you could remind her of the plans you have for her care when the money runs out? She might not remember, and even without dementia, depression is common in the elderly, so she may continue to obsess on not outliving her money anyway, but it’s worth a try. It is very difficult to go through the path of trying to decide at what point you need to take over more responsibility for medical care, especially for someone who has always been very independent. And it’s invaluable that you have your sister helping – I couldn’t have done it without mine. One could offer moral support due to where she lived and the other did the same and visited when she could, spotting things I missed. I believed my mother when she assured me of course she was taking her medications as prescribed, my sister didn’t think so, and was right.

      1. WoodswomanWrites formerly Woodswoman*

        Yes, we’ve told her about how we’ll help her. My brother put up his house as collateral when she moved into her retirement community, and recently went through her finances with her so we all knew where things stood. This is all transparent and she’s involved in the process. Thanks for your sympathy, I appreciate it.

        1. The Cosmic Avenger*

          Depression can actually cause delirium or mild dementia. While I would hope her regular physician is doing screenings at her checkups, you might want to ask for a referral to a geriatric psychiatrist or neuropsychiatrist to see what might be causing her memory issues. Many causes of delirium and dementia are treatable or even reversible, and memory loss and cognitive impairment are not a normal part of healthy aging.

          1. Venus*

            A lot of dementia, memory loss, and cognitive impairment is related to drug interactions, incorrect doses (based on weight or slower metabolism), or bad luck. I’ve had several people in my life whose elderly relatives were being diagnosed with dementia and yet some of it resolved with changes to drugs. This won’t be true of everyone, but it should be considered as an option.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      There’s that role reversal where we become our parents’ parent. I know I have seen the older ones comforted by their younger generation. They wait for the kids to show up or call so they can talk over x or y. It does comfort them.
      It can be unsettling to hear them say they are fine with passing on. I can only conclude, this will also happen to me. I will decide enough is enough some time in the future. When I say it I hope others around me are able to respect my words. In thinking about my own setting it becomes my stepping stone to understanding other people’s setting. I am not sure what will be my threshold of tolerance. I do think people have slightly varying levels of tolerance. Who am I to judge how much is enough for someone else.

      My friend just lost her 99 year old father. We chatted about having a full life, etc. Then I said, “All the logic in the world does not stop the tears.” She said, “I have a hole in my life.” Yep. That’s right. People whose lives have meaning to us, leave holes when they go. I think it’s a side-effect of a life well lived.

      I do believe that love is eternal and only bodies die. Love manifests as grief. If we could stop loving them we could stop missing and grieving them. I also believe that the ultimate loving act is to let them go when they feel it’s their time. This is because we are putting their needs ahead of our own, that makes it the ultimate loving gesture.

      It’s hard. It’s very hard. To illustrate how hard it is, there was an article one time that said, doctors know that in the lose of our parents we begin our own downward spiral that eventually causes our own death. The loss of a parent hits us that hard. I am a big fan of supportive nutrition such as B vitamins and I am a big fan of eating a lot of veggies. Looking at these types of things provide the body with physical energy so that our minds can work better and we can process better. We do need to do things to help our bodies as well as our minds as we go through their process with them.

      I love how you continue to honor your mother. She is lucky to have you, just as you are lucky to have her.

      1. WoodswomanWrites formerly Woodswoman*

        I agree it’s a positive thing that my mother is okay with her upcoming death, and she has mentioned that to me. What’s difficult to watch is the anxiety she has around it, which tends to leave her easily stressed about small day to day to things and disrupts her quality of life now.

        Your suggestions about self-care and navigating grief are great, and appreciated.

    3. My Brain is Exploding*

      Just a thought… It sounds like the mental decline was rather sudden and rapid. If that’s the case, please double check her health status. Things like urinary tract infections can cause those same symptoms in the elderly; so can med changes. This is so difficult, and I’m sorry all of you are going through it.

      1. Asenath*

        I can second this. I had no idea that so many things can affect mental and emotional status in the elderly until my mother started going through them. I panicked the first time she had a UTI as an old woman and never dreamed that was the cause of her worsening condition because I didn’t know about the mental effects. The doctors spotted it and treated it successfully, and afterwards it was the first thing I suspected when her behavior changed suddenly.

        1. WoodswomanWrites formerly Woodswoman*

          Interesting. I had never heard about that connection with UTIs. I know she has had them in the past, and has been told by her doctor for years that she needs to drink more water. I’ll look into that. Thanks for the info.

          1. Blackcat*

            This has been a problem for my (91 year old) grandmother. Her bladder control is not what it once was, so she drinks less to avoid going to the bathroom ALL the time. Then she gets UTIs. It causes all sorts of cascading problems.

          2. Celeste*

            My MIL had this problem. They don’t present with pain, and toxins from the bacteria get in the blood and cause brain effects. It happened so frequently for her that they just kept her on prophylactic antibiotics because over time, the brain can become permanently affected by the bacterial toxins. It reminded me of how pediatrics is different from adult medicine; it turns out that geriatrics has its own issues.

        2. Cheshire Cat*

          Seconding this — my mother recently started getting frequent UTIs, and every time she gets confused and forgetful. Sometimes that is her only symptom. After a day or two on antibiotics my mother is always back to normal.

          Also, be aware that the standard test for UTIs isn’t always accurate for older women. The results can be “mixed” (whatever that means) or negative, even if your mother does have one. Doctors who aren’t geriatric specialists don’t always know this, either. The first time this happened to my mother, my sister strong-armed the doctor into giving Mom antibiotics. Another doctor in the practice does specialize in geriatrics, and my mom switched to seeing him after that incident.

    4. Sled dog mama*

      This is so tough, my grandfather is in a similar place (health and living situation). It’s so good that you have a sibling willing and able to do things from afar. I know that has been a tough thing for my parents, their siblings all assumed that since they were local and good with money they could handle everything. I’m too far away to help with the in person stuff but every time I talk to my parents I make sure I ask if I can do anything to help them. If you have children don’t be afraid to lean on them, they care about you and your mom too.

      1. WoodswomanWrites formerly Woodswoman*

        I also have two other siblings who are farther away and a less dialed in to the day to day. I called them a couple months ago when this pattern with my mother first appeared and encouraged them to visit. One of them did, and I think I need to call them again and let them know how things are going so they’re back in the loop. My other sibling is planning to visit in coming months.

    5. Blue Eagle*

      Went through a similar thing. It’s wonderful for your Mom that you are such a help and comfort to her.

      Only thing I have to add is that if your Mom is ready to go, please support her in that by validating her feelings and ask her what wisdom she would like to pass along to you before she goes. I’ve seen friends disregard those feelings and tell their older relatives that they have to hold on and keep living and it seems to just cause more stress for the older person.

      1. WoodswomanWrites formerly Woodswoman*

        That is such good advice. It is not my role to decide for her, and I respect that. What is tough to watch is her anxiety that tends to compromise her quality of life now as she stresses about small things, which is why her doctor recommended medication.

        I accompanied my father through the last days of his difficult medical journey, and it was a real gift to be able to be there and share it with him. He and my mother divorced when I was very young, and we were never close my entire life. It was those last days together that brought us together, a real gift that I’m grateful for.

      2. Christy*

        I will note that sometimes the person is ready to go before it’s their time to go. My great grandmother was ready in 1998 but didn’t pass until 2008. And watching her continue to decline after she was emotionally ready was its own grief.

        1. WoodswomanWrites formerly Woodswoman*

          That sounds really sad. There’s a history in my mother’s family of people dying suddenly or in a few days from when they aren’t feeling well, which she’s shared with me in the context of telling me not to feel bad if that’s what happens. It would certainly be a blessing rather than the difficult, lingering illnesses so many people suffer from.

    6. Llellayena*

      If she’s in a continuing care facility, check what they can do when her funds run low. Some places can just transition into Medicare/Medicaid without interruption of services.

      1. WoodswomanWrites formerly Woodswoman*

        Thanks. That’s the kind of thing my sister is checking into. She has gathered lots of information and I’m doing the legwork to contact the agencies in coming weeks.

    7. Anonapixie*

      You sound like you’re taking wonderful care of her– but are you also taking care of you? Can you see someone just to talk about it? Care giver burn out is a thing, and while you do have professional help, “parental slide” can be draining and upsetting. Seek out someone you trust, maybe, so you can get reassurance that you’re doing all the right things to the best of your ability?

      1. WoodswomanWrites formerly Woodswoman*

        This is a good suggestion. I am blessed with a wonderful community of friends and I’m talking with them. I’ve also been thinking for a while that it would be good for me to find a new therapist. I have utilized counseling in the past for other difficult situations, and I’m sure it would be helpful. Your comment is reminding me not to keep putting that off. I appreciate it.

    8. Jean (just Jean)*

      Good wisdom here. It’s not an easy path you’re on but you sound generally well equipped for the challenge– grounded and supported in your own life. How fortunate you are to have good sibling teamwork and a good relationship with your mom.

      I share your belief that love continues beyond this world. It’s never easy to lose people but it’s comforting if their departure concludes a long, constructive life. (It’s much harder when people die as children, adolescents, young adults, or in mid-life adulthood, and/or when the surviving family includes young/dependent children. Okay, I’ll stop with the gloom and doom. Not trying to preach, just sharing the perspective of having seen too many die IMO too soon.)

      May your mother be able to live and die as much as possible on her own terms and may your other family bonds and friendships be nourished by and continue to hold strong beyond your mother’s life.

    9. Rebecca*

      Sending good thoughts your way. This is tough, and I’m glad your sister is there for you both. My mom won’t take anti anxiety meds either, and she really needs them, so I hear you! I suggested the alert necklace to my mom, as she’s fallen several times since I moved in, but she won’t agree to it. I think it’s a great idea. Local agencies are very helpful. When my mother in law needed help, they came to the house for meetings, thoroughly explained all the paperwork, etc. and made the whole process easy. They were good, patient people.

      Wishing you well as I know this is hard.

      1. WoodswomanWrites formerly Woodswoman*

        I know you are in the thick of your own journey living with your mom. Thanks for sharing your experience.

    10. Need a Beach*

      If you plan to rope in your government agency for aging, please make sure you have all your ducks in a row first. Have all her legal paperwork up-to-date and her estate planning complete, without any holes or uncertainties.

      We had a terrible experience in that my father denied how bad he was doing and refused to designate a power of attorney before his dementia became too advanced. The agency became involved when he had to go to a care facility, and before I knew it there were social workers demanding to see bank statements and asking why we thought we had the right to spend his money (for his own care). They tried to take us to court and assign him a guardian from the state, who would have had carte blanche to spend down his pension and bank accounts. It was an absolutely miserable experience in how corrupt the government truly is.

      1. Wishing You Well*

        This is a very tough thing to go through.

        Just a reminder: some states have filial responsibility laws which make close relatives (sometimes, not just adult children) legally responsible for older relatives’ care bills. If you have a elderly relative needing or getting care, please educate yourself on your state’s laws.

        And good luck to everyone. These situations are heart-breaking.

        1. WoodswomanWrites formerly Woodswoman*

          This is something I hadn’t thought of, good to know. I’ll check into what the law says here.

      2. WoodswomanWrites formerly Woodswoman*

        I’m sorry to hear about your experience. How awful for your family. Fortunately, this is one area where my mother excels. Years ago, she set up her legal paperwork–a will, power of attorney, a document with all her passwords, an advanced care directive, a do not resuscitate document that’s included in both her purse and her door at home. I’m a co-signer on her bank account. She even set up her own cremation.

    11. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      I just wanted to lend a supportive ear, not much wisdom here. Mom is staying with me temporarily, and it is likely to eventually become permanent.
      Gram, her mother, lived to 99.9, and died just 3 weeks before her money ran out (she would have only had to move down the hall to a shared room, sigh). But mom’s 90th birthday is just 2 months off, and I can see her cognitive decline (which did not start for gram until 3 weeks before her death).
      Mom and I had the discussion of moving her into a lovely apartment in a building that’s part of a continuum of care. Many of her friends are there. Mom has done the math (former bookkeeper), and her money will run out if she goes too soon. I offered to subsidize…. but that would mean I’d have to stop my (newly started) retirement contributions myself.
      And her response was so negative – you’d think I proposed her running naked in the street.
      I absolutely would do it – worth it to me to have her safe and not living alone (which she will be when I send her home). I think I’m going to have to move her in with me “temporarily” for very LONG stretches (ie, send her to visit various relatives for short stints, calling it “going home” from here forward.).
      She’s very stubborn.
      It sounds like your mom perhaps needs to have someone to talk things through with, to reassure her… kind of a counselor of her own with some phrases to repeat (like CBT). My kids love me, and I will be okay….
      Sending a hug.

      1. WoodswomanWrites formerly Woodswoman*

        Yes, one of the things I found online yesterday is a local agency that specializes in counseling for seniors. I am familiar with them and they have an excellent reputation in the community. They will come to her home and their rate per visit is low. My mom had therapy many years ago, and did a one-time visit a few years ago for a specific fear issue, so she’s bought into the concept of counseling. Because she’s worried about spending money, she likely won’t do it and might kick up a fuss if any of her kids offer to pay for it. I’ll see what I can do on that front. Thanks for the hug. I can feel it.

    12. Miles' Mom*

      I’ve read that urinary tract infections in older people can cause confusion. It couldn’t hurt to have your mother checked for that just in case. You are so fortunate to still have your mother. I envy that.

    13. Cherry Sours*

      My dad has been in assisted living, then skilled nursing, going on 7 years now, and it’s difficult watching the decline. So good to year that your mother is better healthwise. Depending on what state she is in, and the actual facility, she may qualify for a Medicaid waiver when her money runs out. Now would be the time to reach out to the upper management (executive director, marketing director, etc…social worker if there is one) to get details on this. At the assisted living facility where I work, 10% of our rooms are open to residents on waiver…suspect this will vary from one place to the next. Good luck with this, hopefully knowing she will be (hopefully) able to remain where she is will take a nurden off her shoulders.

  4. A bit of a saga*

    Running thread early start! I’m on my way to Barcelona for the half marathon tomorrow. I haven’t put in quite as many miles as I would have liked to but I am in good spirits! For one, there should be sun and a few more degrees than where I live. What running plans do the rest of you have for the weekend?

    1. coffee cup*

      Where are you travelling from? I’ve been thinking about running a 10k in Madrid, but I’ve been told it’s a bit strange to go all the way from Scotland to do that… But it’d be a fun way to see the city!

      I was planning a Park Run this morning with my friend, but the rain looks a bit much. Just waiting for him to respond to see if he’s still up for it. I didn’t run last weekend, so I could do with getting out.

      1. A bit of a saga*

        Belgium. But I don’t think that’s weird at all – it’s a great excuse for a trip and Spain makes a nice and sunny change for what I have at home (which is grey and rainy too)

      2. Marion Ravenwood*

        Do the 10k! Agrer with ABOAS that it’s a good excuse for a weekend break if nothing else. I know loads of people who’ve travelled internationally for runs – everything from parkrun to a full marathon – so don’t think it’s that unusual. (However, I say this as someone who lives in London and is planning to do the Run Disney 10k in Paris in September, so I may be a little biased…)

        1. A bit of a saga*

          …I have also looked into the Disney run but it’s pretty expensive and not officially timed from what I understood so I think I’ll give it a miss. But definitely want to hear all about it if you do it!

      3. LGC*

        Go for it! Treat it like a trip to Madrid, and the race is secondary. (A bonus is that you’ll be able to enjoy your trip after the 10k!)

        I’ve heard similar things myself (that it’s not “worth it” to travel for shorter races for most people), but…that’s more if you’re traveling specifically for the race and that’s basically the only thing you’re doing. On the other hand, like I said you can enjoy yourself more around shorter races! I’m done for a couple of days after a full marathon, and maybe the entire day of a half marathon. But a 5k or 10k is much easier to recover from.

      4. londonedit*

        Plenty of people in my running club travel abroad for half-marathons and marathons! I never have because of money, but in my world it’s a very normal thing to go to Barcelona or Reykjavik or Berlin to run.

        I did my local parkrun this morning – it’s nice to be back there after January’s chest infection misery! Also managed to run under 30 minutes for the first time since last November. My PB is 25:54 but that was in 2016 and I’ve been rather lazy since, especially last year, so I’m just trying to make 28-something my usual parkrun time again, that used to be my comfortable pace.

        Tomorrow I’m meeting up with some friends to run a new route – they’re marathon training so they’re doing 16 miles, but I’m hoping to manage 8.

    3. Marion Ravenwood*

      Good luck for tomorrow!

      I haven’t done any running this week – today was my week to be a parkrun tourist but I had a hairdressers appointment that meant I couldn’t do it (I am actually typing this from the salon chair!). Back to it next week though.

      I’ve also signed up for two more races – the Zombies, Run! Train To Oban virtual race in April and Run With The Ancestors at the Olympic Park in March (both 5ks). I’ve got a target time in my head but it’s more just to see how I go (and add some more medals to the collection) than pushing myself too hard.

      Also I’m volunteering at the Olympic Park Half Marathon tomorrow in London, so good luck to any AAM commenters running that one!

    4. LGC*

      Good luck! I’m really excited for you! Remind me, is this your first time going to Barcelona? (I’ve never been, although it is one of the places I’d love to visit!)

      I’m going to Central Park this morning (I live just outside of New York City, so we do that fairly often), and then doing my usual weekend long run routine of going to The Place We Don’t Mention On Weekends. (I like $$$, okay? Plus, I work just outside of the city, so it’s not that hard.) Not looking forward to the actual long run since the weather’s been insane the past week or so. (The joke I’ve made is that it’s been the same temperature, it’s just the temperature scale has changed – which is not that far off from the truth! A week ago it was 5F, then it spiked up to 65F, and this morning it’s 25F.)

      Finally wrote my pacer bio, which…this is going to be interesting! I’ll be pacing the 1:45 group for a half marathon in April. I’m easily able to run that pace (it’s 8:00 per mile, and my normal 15+ mile long runs are around 7:20-7:30 on average), but I need to actually run 8 minutes exactly. Most of my issues tend to be me gunning out too quickly – I can run pretty much anything for a quarter mile to half a mile before my body catches up and realizes that actually, I’m running way faster than I intended to. (I’ve gotten much better about this!)

      1. A bit of a saga*

        Thanks. Yes it’s the first time I do the race though I’ve been to Barcelona before – I’m excited, it looks like a nice course and the weather is perfect for running. I can imagine it’s not so easy to be a pacer, you really need to be constant!

      2. JobHunter*

        I practiced my pace on a treadmill (8:15). After several short races, I had other runners come up to me at the finish line and compliment me on my even pace!

      3. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        It’s interesting to think that if you were pacing 8-9 years ago, you might have been my pacer if you’re doing a 1:45 group. That said, I never once successfully stayed with a pacing group and I really admire the pacers that can do it with military precision. I hope you let us know how the experience is!

      4. CheeryO*

        On behalf of the 1:45ish crowd, thanks for taking it so seriously! I know you can probably say this about any race pace, but it really is a fine line. Even 7:50 pace is blow-up city for me in a half (ask me how I know!).

      5. LGC*

        Thanks for the support (and the tip, JobHunter – which reminds me, I really should sign up for the gym that’s literally down the block from me)! I’m hoping I’ll do fine – I really do want to get this accurate, and I’m a little nervous since it’s actually a bit slower than what I usually run on my easy days. From what I’ve heard, it’s often harder to run slower than normal because it throws your normal motions out of sync. I’m notorious for my ability to calculate time, though, which is a plus.

        And I’ll definitely keep you guys posted! (Who knows, people in the area might actually see me.)

    5. Lady Jay*

      Oh, fun! Enjoy Barcelona for us!

      I took my long-ish run (7 miles, I’m not training for anything rn) yesterday, because yesterday it was 40 and this morning it’s 30 degrees! Running is so much more pleasant when I don’t have to wear three layers. I’m looking forward to the return of some spring-like weather.

      1. A bit of a saga*

        I will:-) And yes, I specifically picked this race because it was a chance to enjoy some early spring, it makes such a difference

    6. Emily*

      Ooh, that sounds exciting. Good luck!

      I want to do my usual Sunday long run, but am not sure if I will – my right calf has been weirdly sore this week, and while it doesn’t bother me much when I run, ignoring the problem doesn’t seem to be making it better.

    7. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      Good luck, A bit of a saga! That sounds pretty amazing.

      My running plan for this weekend was a 10 mile run this morning in Liberty State Park, which was spectacularly beautiful but COLD!! Upper 20s F with what must have been a 20-25 mph wind. Oof. I’m not really feeling long runs in this winter weather — I’m doing them because the NYC Half is on March 17 — but I have to admit that today’s was good, even if it felt like my face was going to freeze off.

    8. CheeryO*

      Hope it went well! A half marathon in Barcelona sounds amazing.

      My running plan for today is a very easy 5 mile recovery run in the sun. I did a 10 mile race yesterday in some nasty weather – single digits with a horrible headwind for the last half. Good for getting back into running and building mental toughness, not so good for running PRs. But I came close despite not running much for the last few months, so I’m happy.

    9. A bit of a saga*

      Hi all, all your ‘good lucks’ worked, I beat my 1/2 marathon record by almost 4 minutes so very happy with that! Hope you got the runs in you wanted this weekend

  5. lammmm*

    What are you cooking this week?

    I have one day off then six days on, so I’m using the leftover pizza sauce I have for pita + cheese + sauce + snacks (apples and/or carrots + soybutter, and a babybell). Then half way during the week I plan on a quick chicken salad + crackers and the previously mentioned snacks.

    I’m planning on spending as little time in the kitchen as possible on that one day off.

    1. Kate*

      Once or twice a year, we have something that’ll “The Feast of Saint Duck”.

      It always starts on a miserable Saturday morning.

      I roast a duck, and inevitably wind up eating at least half of the crispy skin right off the bird, burning my fingers in the process.

      Then I use half the meat to make this divine duck pasta from one of the Jamie Oliver cookbooks. That’s dinner #1.

      I reserve the other half of the meat plus whatever skin hasn’t been scavenged, and make Peking Duck pancakes with hoisin sauce and fresh cucumbers. That’s dinner #2.

      I save the fat in a glass jar to roast potatoes with later in the week, and turn the carcass into a stock/soup base for French Onion soup. That’s dinner #3.

      The duck, she is waiting on the counter. I am excited! (And the dog is licking his chops)

      1. Parenthetically*

        We did a big roast duck on Tuesday for Lunar New Year! First time ever roasting a duck and it was BEAUTIFUL, and so simple.

        I’m filing away your dinners #1 and #3 for us for future reference! Thank you!!

    2. Lucy*

      I have a beef stew in the oven at the moment, and in a minute I’ll be mixing cheese scone dough. Fluffy scones with rich gravy is absolute heaven.

      We had a Thai dish this week for the first time in absolutely ages, and I’d forgotten how much I enjoy it.

    3. HarveyW*

      I have been no (refined) sugar-no grains for a couple of months so I am trying a couple of new recipes this week to add to the repertoire:

      2-ingredient pot roast (instant pot)
      Peach bbq short ribs (slow cooker)

      Also some trusty favorites:
      Tomato basil soup (you can do it in an instant pot but it doesn’t take forever on the stove top either)
      Thai chicken (usually then top naan bread to make pizza but this week it will be over cauliflower rice)

    4. Sapphire*

      I have some chicken broth that I’d like to use to make Greek avgolemono soup, and I’m going to make Indian butter chicken as soon as I replenish my spices.

      1. The New Wanderer*

        I just made butter chicken last night! Big hit with the family (in that my husband loved it and kids didn’t immediately ask for cereal instead). Recipe was from yesterday ‘s Washington Post. Didn’t have fenugreek leaves so took the advice to add about a tsp of maple syrup to the sauce.

    5. What the What*

      Do you have a good chicken salad recipe? I make a menu at the start of each week and try to Instant Pot as much as possible to cut down on kitchen time. Turkey Sloppy joes, puff pastry chicken pot pie, teriyaki turkey meatballs and spiralized zucchini, Chicken enchiladas, minestrone this week.

      1. PhyllisB*

        Well, I don’t call it a “recipe” exactly, but I have several ways to fix chicken salad. First thing I do is mince or shred chicken (canned is fine if you don’t have any leftover chicken) and add mayo and a couple of minced boiled eggs. Not everyone likes boiled eggs with theirs, so don’t add if you don’t like it. Then when ready to serve, I add different things depending on the mood we’re in. #1 is add sweet (or dill) pickle relish, celery and minced onion (I don’t like onion in chicken salad so I don’t usually add it. But my hubby does so I’ll put some in his serving.) #2 Finely minced apple with the celery and relish. #3 Green or red grapes sliced in half and tossed with chicken/mayo and glazed pecans or walnuts. Sometimes I’ll add dried cranberries. Add mix-ins and let sit maybe an hour before serving. The reason for not mixing up a big batch of any of this except #1 is apples and grapes tend to break down in chicken salad and aren’t really good left-over. Another way to add chicken to a salad is shred and put over a bed of greens (we like raw spinach and romaine) with sliced strawberries and glazed pecans/walnuts and dressed with a strawberry or raspberry balsamic vinaigrette. This is my son’s favorite; I always get big hugs when I make this.

          1. PhyllisB*

            My pleasure!! We had a ladies’ night at our church a couple of years ago and I made the chicken salad with apple and one with green grapes and glazed walnuts. The ladies went nuts over both of them.

        2. Dr. Anonymous*

          I use chopped, defrosted frozan mango chunks instead of apple or grape and they seem to hold up for make-ahead.

    6. Parenthetically*

      Two meatball recipes this week — Poh Ling Yeow’s pork meatballs with rice noodles and herb salad, so flavorful and I want to be like Poh when I grow up. And buffalo wing meatballs — just ground turkey with garlic and chopped green onion and celery, browned then drenched in buffalo sauce.

      We haven’t done our meal plan yet but I want to do a beef massaman. Curries are perfect for this time of year when it’s cold and gray and stupid all the time.

    7. The Messy Headed Momma*

      Are you in the States? Trader Joe’s has a Southwestern Chopped Salad that is our go to for quick meals. Sometimes we add beans, sometimes we use it for tacos, sometimes I make soup & use the accoutrements for something else. It’s incredibly versatile!

    8. Midwest Engineer*

      I’m making a very Americanized version of Pad Thai, some tuneric curry sauce, and a salad of roasted root vegetables. And some chicken soup.

    9. londonedit*

      Tonight I’m making satay stir-fried veg with noodles. Then tomorrow I’m planning to make a batch of mushroom and spinach pasta for lunches, and a big pot of dhal for this week’s dinners.

    10. HannahS*

      Lunches this week will be breaded fish from the freezer section, with rice or barley or pasta (I’m using up ends of bags), green beans, and an apple. Dinners will be…ugh I don’t know. Scrambled eggs and toast, maybe. Feeling very uninspired. Breakfasts will be yogurt and granola and tea, as usual.

      1. lammmm*

        I’m feeling very uninspired as well as that’s why I don’t want to spend my one day off in the kitchen! Figured if I pack enough into the box, I can just graze on it all day

    11. Loopy*

      I have no idea but Aldi’s was practically giving away cauliflower and mushrooms so I will try something with those. For the mushrooms, I’ve got a mushroom marsala recipe I want to try but am hoping omitting wine won’t leave it too flat.

      Cauliflower leaves me a little more stumped to be honest. I’m trying of looking up some type of cauliflower bite recipe I can do in my air fryer. I’ so tired I dont want to take on anything complicated but omg, I have so much cauliflower to eat….

      Easy suggestions for either are welcome!

      1. I'm Just Staff*

        Cauliflower steaks! So simple. ..wash the cauliflower, then take a long heavy knife and slice right through the entire head to make slices about 1/2 inch thick. (as best you can; some will inevitably crumble off) Then fry the slices in olive oil in a heavy skillet on both sides until brown. Season however you like, with salt and pepper, herbs, curry powder, ground chile, whatever. You can add the crumbled bits to the pan or just eat them raw in a salad.

      2. lammmm*

        I just chop it up small, toss it with a bit of oil and a bunch of salt/pepper/garlic powder and roast the crap out of it til it’s brown and crispy.

      3. Jane*

        I made the “Spicy Buffalo Cauliflower Bites” on the skinnytaste website once. They were pretty good! I bet if you adapted the recipe to your air fryer they would be even better.

        That said I usually just roast cauliflower. I’ve also heard that it is good au gratin, like potatoes.

        1. Overeducated*

          I have done the lazy version of this and just roasted cauliflower and doused it with buffalo sauce. We eat it in buns as a buffalo chicken substitute and find one cauliflower feeds two adults!

    12. ThatGirl*

      I currently have stuffed shells in the oven for friends coming for lunch soon. Haven’t planned next week though :)

    13. Jane*

      I’m roasting a chicken and then making some chicken soup. I have a bit of a chest cold so I’m hoping that will help.

    15. Nervous Accountant*

      I’m working 60 hours/6 days a week too.
      This week’s menu is chicken burger patty with cheese and broccoli or bell pepper on teh side 2 days, beef burger patty with cheese and broccoli or bell pepper on the side the other 2 days. Eating out on Friday.

      Sunday I will steam broccoli and pan fry the chicken & beef patty. I’m keeping hte bell peppers at work to just cut and eat raw. For Wednesday & Thursday I’m lucky that my mom or husband can help out and make it for me, since it’s not very complicated and time consuming.

      Trying to do one-meal-a day/intermittent fasting and going light on carbs and not spend a lot of money.
      I’ll try to supplement with whatever is leftover in the office dinner (we order dinner every night and sometiems have leftovers).

      Keyword TRYING… i set up my meals and lose all motivation and will either order lunch or have last night’s. I can eat a healthy meal but then end up eating chocolates :( :(

    16. Nervous Accountant*

      I have no idea where my post went, I think I started typing but stopped and got busy.

      Menu is, chicken burger patty with cheese broccoli and cucumbers twice a week and beef burger patty with cheese broccoli and bell peppers the other two days. Friday, I will eat out.

      I work 60 hours a week too. My only day off is not going to be spent slaving over a stove. I’ll cook tomorrow for Monday & Tuesday, but luckily my husband & mom can help out by shoving the patties in to the tabletop oven and steam the broccoli (if they agree to it. If not, I can do it myself, its 10 min of prep work max).

      I’m also trying to do intermittent fasting & low carb. If i’m still hungry, II plan to supplement with leftovers. My office orders dinner every night and there’s usually leftovers of everything (here’s hoping I stick ot the salad/veggies/protein and avoid the pasta)

      I just hope I can stick to this :(

      1. lammmm*

        Yup. Normally I have two days, so one day is dedicated to meal prep/cooking. With one day off? I want to spend an hour in the kitchen max and I’m not very fast in there. Anything more complicated than throwing some ingredients together and mixing is going to get a hard pass. and I’m over regular and pasta salads.

    17. Mazzy*

      I tried pasta from edamame with pesto and some fried peppers and it was awesome. And that pasta is lighter than regular pasta, less carbs, very high in fiber, and kind of chewy, but in a good way. It was really good!

    18. Overeducated*

      Also uninspired. For dinners, last night I made a quick slaw, pineapple salsa, and guacamole to eat with tacos (using carnitas from the freezer). I’ll do black beans in the instant pot today, and picked up more tortillas, cheese, and sweet potatoes at the store, so we’ll mix and match those most of the week. Spouse will make meatballs tonight to split between spaghetti dinner(s) and the freezer.

      We are thinking of making something a little nicer for Valentine’s Day, maybe short ribs with port sauce, but haven’t settled on vegetable sides yet.

    19. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      I always need creative things to do with ground meat from my CSA.

      Last night I made Cuban-style beer Piccadillo with green olives, capers, and raisins. I served it over mashed sweet potato with sliced avocado on top. Yum.

    20. Elan Morin Tedronai*

      I cook my own lunch about 3-4 days a week. I normally do grocery shopping for the week on Sundays, but because we’ve just finished celebrating Chinese New Year celebrations over here, I have a variety of, shall we say, esoteric ingredients I can use instead. Now the challenge is putting them together in some form of coherence… ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

    21. Adminx2*

      Salisbury steaks and chicken chimichangas. There’s just two of us so I’ve found two full size type meals carries us through a lot of the week and then I’ll do eggs or mix frozen stuffs together the other days. Plus Thur is always frozen pizza night.

  6. Jemima Bond*

    Morning all! OH and I are just having s bacon sandwich then going orienteering. On Horsell Common – vintage science fiction fans will know why I shall be keeping an eye out for any large metal cylinders slowly unscrewing themselves…

      1. London Calling*

        My ex had a tape (yes, it was that long ago) of the Jeff Wayne version of War of the Worlds and the one place I always needed a tissue and a handhold was listening to the fate of Thunderchild.

        1. GoryDetails*

          I listened to an audiobook of War of the Worlds recently, narrated by Simon Vance; the Thunderchild segment always makes me a bit teary too! (Did you know there’s a novel, The Last Days of Thunder Child by C. A. Powell? I haven’t read it yet, but was pleased at the idea of giving more page-time to the ship and its crew – even though we know how it’s going to end…)

        2. The Dread Pirate Buttercup*

          I think the Thunderchild is one of the best-written bits in the western canon, no joke. If a recounting of a battle can reduce an old hippie like me to sobs…

  7. Less Bread More Taxes*

    This is kind of work/school-related, but my actual question isn’t so bear with me here: I recently graduated from my masters program. Over the summer, when I started applying for PhD programs, I emailed a professor of mine asking for advice. He seemed genuinely happy to hear from me and offered to meet me for a coffee. We exchanged numbers in case there were issues finding the place or each other. Almost immediately, I realised he thought it was a date. I kept having to steer the conversation back towards college and PhDs and work, but it was effort. After an hour, he asked me to dinner and I politely declined. I didn’t say anything to him about being caught so off guard by the situation. I also didn’t say anything to the university because I didn’t see the point since I was then establishing a firm boundary.

    Unfortunately, he kept texting me. They were never work or school related. Always about what he was doing, the music he listened to, food he was cooking, etc. It was incessant. I decided to keep the channel open because I needed a reference letter from him (he was one of the professors that I’d had a few classes with a project with). He did write me a stellar recommendation and I ended up getting into a great PhD program that I’m starting in a few weeks. I would send one or two sentences back to each of his daily rambles. I admit that I’m at fault for not nipping that in the bud, but after a couple of months, I just didn’t know what to do.

    A few weeks ago, I went to visit home for three weeks. I told him this with the expectation that he’d give me some space. He didn’t… and I just stopped responding. Yesterday, I opened up his messages. I realised that it wouldn’t be good to just ghost a contact in the industry like that, so I wrote him something short saying I’d been busy, that’s all. You guys, he wrote me 14 paragraphs updating me on what he’s been up for the past month. What on earth do I do here? Do I just call him out on this? Politely tell him I’m too busy? If this were just some guy I’d met, I’d have no problem doing that. But he’s doing the exact same research I am and is going to be in my tight-knit community for a while.

    1. The Curator*

      Wow, this is tricky and more than work issue because , yes small world and academia. Don’t beat yourself up but also. Do not be alone with him again. Also, share the situation just the way you have here with a trusted colleague. Print out all coorespondence and emails . Thank him for the recommendation and say that you are busy and as he can understand and that you won’t be responding to personal emails. Colleagues are not ghosting when they are out of touch. Be out of touch.

      2. NonnyNon*

        “Hey, I am realizing you want this relationship to be more friendly than I was expecting, but I contacted you with a professional relationship in mind. I am sorry if it seems I misled you, I have been unsure how to tell you that I am not interested in a dating type relationship or daily contact. I am sorry I didn’t speak up sooner.”

    2. Lady Jay*

      You’re not in *his* program, right? You have a different set of professors? Obviously, maintaining good relationships with the professors at your own institution, who you literally see every day, is more important. And if there’s a professor on the faculty who you trust/who serves as the head of graduate studies, I’d start by asking that person; a more senior graduate student could also be helpful. Whoever you ask, they can probably provide a strong script & help you workshop it, for getting this dude to back off.

      If it were me, I’d probably just ghost him again, though you could also frame this as starting your program–“I’m sorry, I don’t have time to text, I’m busy with classes/research.”

      1. Less Bread More Taxes*

        We are at different institutions now, which are pretty far from each other, but I foresee running into him again at conferences and whatnot. Thanks for the script!

      2. Asenath*

        “you could also frame this as starting your program–“I’m sorry, I don’t have time to text, I’m busy with classes/research.”

        That’s an excellent response. And stretch things out – take a day to respond to a text with something like that. If he responds, wait a few days or a week, don’t apologize this time, and just say “Too busy to keep up; am fine” or something similar. If he switches to email, do the same. He should get the message without being literally ghosted, although you can still to that if you need to.

        Conferences are less worrying. There are groups there. Practice saying things like “Oh it’s been ages, hasn’t it? I really have to leave now, I’m running late….” and walk away. At a conference, you could be attending or leading a seminar, or see someone across the room you have been trying to get in touch with for simply days – there are lots and lots of reasons you can’t speak to someone, much less accept an invitation to coffee or dinner or something from him.

      3. HarveyW*

        Treat him like a friend who is too needy. (We all have them.) Respond if and as you are able, and as you CHOOSE to. Yes, keep the lines open but don’t get crazy and don’t allow him to dictate it…. just as you do with that friend that feels the need to overshare and can’t just let a text or email chain end.

    3. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      I wouldn’t necessarily go off on him but you can politely cease contact. You’re just starting your PhD so I don’t think this guy is going to be necessary as a reference in the future since you will now have other, more significant references at your PhD program.

      And someone who wants to date you and has questionable judgement (hitting on a as good as student) isn’t the best professional contact anyway.

      Tell him you are too busy but thanks for the reference letter and work on your studies and contacts at your PhD program. Forget him.

      1. Less Bread More Taxes*

        You’re right, he can’t be that great of a contact if this is his idea of a professional relationship.

        1. Khlovia*

          Don’t professors get asked for advice and recommendations all the time? Wouldn’t that be his logical default assumption? He knew damn well you weren’t asking for a date. He’s playing fun games with your head. You have already spent more braintime on him than he deserves. Stop.

          1. dawbs*

            Yup. Pretending there’s plausible deniability when, really, it’s pretended obtuseness and take advantage of a position of power.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      You are probably not the first person he has done this to. You’re not the second person, either.
      Selectively talk to a few others. Someone will know and someone will be able to tell you how to cut loose here.

      1. Southern Ladybug*

        Agreed. And he knew it wasn’t a date. He manipulated that situation. And continues to do so. He knows what he’s doing. Don’t feel bad about doing what you need to do to protect yourself. And you don’t owe him ANYTHING for the positive recommendation.

    5. Reba*

      Ohhh noooooo

      I hope you have a great experience in your PhD program! While it’s true that you’ll keep running into this dude from time to time if you’re in the same field, keep in mind that soon enough, you’ll have lots more contacts and colleagues of your own, and this person does not have to loom large in your world. The future recommendations from your grad school profs will be more important than those associated with previous degrees, so don’t worry about needing to keep in his good graces indefinitely. (That is, in future you’ll be asking for letters from your PhD committee members or other faculty, because you’ll want people who know your current work and near term trajectory very well, not your past work. You won’t need to be reaching back to MA and undergrad people for recs.)

      1. Reba*

        meant to add, I know this kind of experience can be jarring emotionally and hit your confidence. I’m sorry this happened, it’s not your fault. You’re brilliant and this is already pretty much behind you!

    6. Alice*

      Yuck. He shouldn’t have put you in this situation.
      But – and of course it’s easy for me to say from the outside – I think that you would have been better off had you addressed it earlier.
      At this point, do you feel comfortable calling him and telling him that you value him as a professional contact but you’ve realized it’s inappropriate to have a personal relationship because of the power imbalance? I suggest calling rather than texting because that conveys that this is serious, and it’s harder for him to ruminate over exactly what you said. If you think that he’d be chagrined to realize that he was putting you in a difficult position, this could be a good way forward. Also, I used the word personal instead of romantic, so that you don’t get bogged down in an argument about him just wanting to be friends.
      If you think he would react inappropriately, you can also continue as you’ve been going. It’s just that he’ll probably keep going too, which is a hassle for you.
      If you think that he might harass you or that he would harass students, then you should consider reporting him to the title ix people at your institution. (Not necessarily do it, but consider the costs and benefits) Make sure you understand who is a mandated reporter and what would be private and what wouldn’t be private before you start talking to anyone official.
      There’s a lot of uncertainty in my advice…. From what you said I personally don’t get a predator vibe, just a lonely vibe, but you can make the best judgment knowing the situation.
      Congrats on starting your PhD.

      1. zaracat*

        “telling him that you value him as a professional contact but you’ve realized it’s inappropriate to have a personal relationship because of the power imbalance”

        I think that this is a really good approach, although I wouldn’t do it by phone – partly because I’d be too chicken but also because doing it in written form (text or email or even written letter sent by registered mail) provides proof that you’ve not only attempted to address the situation but done it in a way which isn’t accusatory or adversarial. Then you can go no contact and reserve the full-nuclear option for if he crosses the clearly set boundary after that.

      2. Doodle*

        NO, absolutely DO NOT call him. Send him an email (easier to keep a copy of it) in which you play dumb and say, Professor X (NO FIRST NAMES), I finally caught up with your recent messages and I think you may have gotten the wrong idea. I am very grateful for the recommendation letter you wrote and for your professional support, but I am not interested in a personal relationship. Please do not send me any more personal messages. Thanks so much for understanding! Signed, your name (first and last, it is more formal). [this is nicer than this turd deserves because he knows exactly what he’s doing, but if you’re concerned about him harming you professionally, it’s ok to give him a way to save face.]

        Block him on all social media and block his phone number [you don’t want any more texts from him]. Let all phone calls from him go to voicemail and then don’t open them. You can even just delete them, unless you think he’s stalker-y, in which case save them. If he emails, respond maybe once a month. Or less. Or never. You owe him NOTHING — you said thank you and that’s all you need to do. Writing recommendations is part of his job. It’s not because he’s an extra special swell guy.

        If he doesn’t stop, talk to a reliable faculty member in your current department. You can also talk to the folks in your current institution’s EEO or Title IX office.

        All this advice from many years’ experience as: a Ph D student, faculty member, University staff in student services offices.

        1. Doodle*

          Also, if you happen to run into him at a conference or other professional setting: Do not ever walk over to him to say hello. If he does speak to you, say something like, “Professor X! I hope you’re doing well!” or even just, “Hello, Professor X.” Nothing personal. Do not ask any questions. Do not say anything nice about his recent article in The Journal of Pointless Studies. I’d allow one or two sentences of pleasantries and then say, “Well, gotta go schmooze around. Good to see you!” and then walk away.

    7. Anoncorporate*

      This guy is taking advantage of the fact that you need him for professional purposes to continue harassing you. Don’t give him the benefit of the doubt, and it’s not your fault. From your accounts, you never said/did anything to suggest you were romantically interested in him. Asking former professors about PhD programs is a Normal Thing to Do, and I highly doubt when men do it, people don’t automatically construe it as an opportunity to flirt with them.

      I recommend ceasing all contact. You got what you needed from him (the reference letter), and you don’t owe him any personal favors in exchange. Don’t worry too much about the fact that your field is small. I know right now, you are dreading running into him and all, but the weight of the situation will fade with time. You will make contacts of your own, this guy will eventually age and retire. I want to reiterate that this behavior is Inappropriate. It is not okay to bombard a former student – or anyone! – with a ton of personal emails when they don’t reciprocate the interaction.

      1. Pippa*

        This is all good advice, and I’d also add that you should let a few trusted friends know about your discomfort with this guy. And keep an ear out for signs that he’s mischaracterised your relationship to others – suggesting that you and he “went out briefly” or anything like that. I’ve known some shady people in academia (as in any other profession, I suppose) and reputational costs can be real and unfairly distributed. If this situation continues, you might need to police that a bit.

    8. Lilysparrow*

      I am not in academia, but there is a relatively simple and polite way to clarify the issue that he might truly think you initiated a date with him. (He would be sorely misguided, and you certainly weren’t sending “mixed signals” or any nonsense like that, but I think you will feel more in control of the situation if you take that as a working theory).

      You can say, “Look, this is awkward, but I think we got on the wrong track and you misunderstood my intentions. I was hoping to get some professional advice. You have been giving me a lot more personal details than I’m comfortable with. Let’s stick to work only.

      “Good luck with (Project,) and I’ll see you at (Conference.)”

    9. deesse877*

      This sort of behavior is sadly common in the academy. But you don’t have to put up with it. Cut him loose. He is no real loss to you. Remember, also, that contacts go both ways, and he is missing out on knowing you as a colleague.

    10. Ann O.*

      If he’s just inappropriately chatty, I would ghost. He may think you’re interested in being friends, even if not a girlfriend, and have no conscious awareness of how weird his behavior comes across. It doesn’t sound like he was offended by your ghosting him for 3 weeks, so there’s some precedent for you doing that and being okay. Blame it on the Ph.D. program if asked about it, and it will probably be true.

      If these long messages are also inappropriately sexualized, though, you may need to proactively set boundaries. It is so, so hard to know what the right thing to do in those cases are because every personality is different and a lot depends on how much bandwidth you have for dealing with any negative fallout, as there’s likely to be at least some. But even if you still decide ghosting is the safest way forward, make sure you tell some friends… possibly even trusted colleagues. Save all messages–both text and email–so that you have documentation. If you have a good relationship with a mentor in the department who you trust enough to talk about what this professor is doing, talk to the mentor. The important thing is that you trust the mentor will guide you to making your own decision about reporting/not reporting and not force your hand one way or the other.

    11. BossAmy*

      First, good for you for settings boundaries. You should harden them even further as other commenters have said, with one last email saying thanks again for the recommendation and you’re starting your program so you’re sure you won’t have time for anything else.

      I’ve been in this situation and it’s fine to ghost him from them on. Once you start your PhD program your life will be completely separate from his and if you happen to run into him at a conference, you can make small talk for a minute and then peace out. Don’t be surprised if he tries again to make a move.

      Good luck with your new program!

    13. jamesriver & professor husband*

      My husband, a professor, says, “Just block his number.”

      If he’s a master’s level professor, you will have other professors and networking opportunities through your PhD, so we think ignoring his messages won’t hurt your future career at all. But at this point, there’s really nothing to report because he hasn’t propositioned you, or anything like that. And we don’t see what you gain by engaging or confronting him to explain that you just want a professional contact. We think it would burn that bridge, which you might find useful to you in the future. Whereas, being too busy to respond to his [inappropriate] overtures doesn’t burn the bridge in that same way.

    1. wingmaster*

      Almost 1am here, so I’m with you on being tired. I’m good though! I just did maybe 90% of packing for my Peru trip this Sunday.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        YESSSS
        I noticed a lot more birdsong in the morning the last two days, which is a sure sign. Haven’t seen any robins yet, but I’m watching for them. I don’t pay any attention to things like crocuses or trees budding since we’ve had so many warm-ups and they just get confused.

    3. anon24*

      I had off yesterday and it was a beautiful day, very warm for February. I walked to the park and couldn’t resist playing on the swings. For once the weather was stronger than my depression and I felt very happily peaceful all day. Today the cold has come back and I’m struggling a bit again, but I will be ok.

      I’ve been sleeping way too much the last year and initially I thought it was because of my new job but it’s been a year and I’m still constantly just falling over exhausted to the point that I have no energy for the things that I love so I think it’s time to get myself to my doctor.

      Anyway, this post sounds super down and depressing but I didn’t mean it that way! I’m still smiling and enjoying the beautiful things in life. May spring come early! Hope you all have a great weekend!

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        >I’m still smiling and enjoying the beautiful things in life.
        Back atcha and may you and your doctor find simple, effective solutions for your exhaustion.

    4. Jean (just Jean)*

      I’m tired but back in good spirits after feeling sorry for myself. I spent last weekend driving long distances. The reasons were happy (a friend of my young-adult child plans to graduate this spring from a nontraditional high school) but my lack of down time left me depleted for the week at [place not discussed here] plus the usual challenges of living with a spouse whose energy is blunted by chronic illness.

      Midweek I revived after attending a public event and shmoozing with people I knew through the sponsoring organization. For the program itself, a woman and her now-adult son discussed their experiences with raising their child/growing up with their sibling who had/has autism. The husband/dad wrote a book several years ago called “Life, Animated” and someone else did a documentary on their family (and possibly other families? I missed the introduction).

      The neurotypical son is launching an organization to support other siblings. He spoke about the benefits of “finding one’s tribe/others on the same journey.” It was fascinating and encouraging. The world needs more positive energy.

      Gaah…I always write a novel here! Maybe I should get my own darn blog instead of hogging the podium on other folks’ platforms?

    5. The Man, Becky Lynch*

      Stir-crazy over the snow storm we’re dealing with but otherwise pretty typical Saturday level of good. I slept well and still have power, so I’m staying busy enough!

    6. MsChanandlerBong*

      I’m having a tough time this week. I started a new medication, and I am having good results with it, but the side effects are getting bad. If I was just nauseous, that would be okay, but I will be fine and then all of a sudden feel like my guts are inside out. My skin also feels like I went outside and spent six hours in the sun with no sunscreen–an intense burning sensation, with some pinkness of the skin. And then I’ve spent the last few nights alternating between sweating to death and shaking with chills. I have plans tonight, and I spent big bucks on the tickets, so I better feel better before we go out!

  9. Lena Clare*

    I just went vegan! Finally.
    Been meaning to go it for ages. I’m really enjoying it.
    Anyone got any sandwich filling ideas? I can’t have cashews or peanuts.
    I’ve been eating tahini, tomatoes, and black olives on a whole wheat pitta (which is delicious btw) but that’ll get old pretty soon.

    1. Lena Clare*

      Also any creamy-type desserts that don’t use cashews would be good.
      I’m thinking I could substitute macadamias instead? Has anyone done this?
      I would LOVE a vegan tiramisu recipe :)

      1. Less Bread More Taxes*

        There are a lot of chocolate mousse things that are vegan. I think a lot of them use avocado instead of dairy. I love them and I’m not vegan.

      2. Emily*

        I haven’t tried this pie, but it looks and sounds good (uses avocado for the creaminess): https://www.autostraddle.com/femme-brulee-vegan-chocolate-icebox-pie-387775/
        (Depending on how strict you are, you might have to make sure to buy non-honey graham crackers and vegan chocolate chips, but that’s usually not too hard.)

        I’ve also heard of vegan cream pies that use silken tofu in the filling – no recipe suggestion for those, but I’m sure you can find a lot of options online.

        1. Lena Clare*

          This looks nice thanks :) I like the idea of silken tofu in place of cream and I am going to use it for other things for sure.

      3. Fellow Traveler*

        Have you tried chia pudding?
        A can of Coconut milk, 2 tablespoons chia seeds, 1/5 cup cocoa powder and some honey for sweetener. Shake well and put it in the ridge for a couple hours. The chia seeds make it gel to a pudding texture. Some people don’t like the texture of the chia seeds in it, but I like that it gives it a little crunchy

      4. PurpleMonster*

        I just made chocolate mousse yesterday with aquafaba (chickpea cookingwater)! You whip about 3/4cup of aquafaba for quite a few minutes until it’s thick and foamy, like when you do egg white. Gradually beat in 3tsp of caster sugar and keep beating until you get reasonably stiff peaks. Then melt 100g dark chocolate, carefully stir it in, and chill! It makes four small servings. I really didn’t know how it would go but it was surprisingly good and rich.

        There’s tons out there about aquafaba – I love that it’s a waste product you can put to great use.

    2. WoodswomanWrites formerly Woodswoman*

      Avocado and hummus is a good sandwich combo. Marinated tofu is good protein. If you prefer not to make your own and you’re in a relatively urban area, you can often find different flavored varieties in grocery stores.

      1. Lena Clare*

        Thank you! I made a really nice marinated tofu this week (based on a recipe someone posted last week on here!) so I’ll use that.

        1. Triumphant Fox*

          I love BLTs using “bacon” tofu – a tiny bit of liquid smoke, soy sauce, agave and sriracha if you want some spice.
          I find sandwiches to be the hardest – they take so much more work than slices of meat and cheese. I do a lot of hummus, cucumber, sprouts, tofu. Sometimes I do disks of sweet potato I crisp up on the stove or in the oven or spiced cauliflower. They do make vegan deli meats, but I’ve never tried them and don’t really feel a desire to.

    3. Nerdgal*

      Not a vegan, but I enjoy pureed Lima beans spread on cornbread. I assume it’s possible to make vegan cornbtead?

      1. The Messy Headed Momma*

        OMG….that sounds delish! And I am a carnivore through & through! @Lena Claire I also like tofu “egg salads”.

      2. Kittymommy*

        Huh, never thought I would have a vegan suggestion but this reminds me of a sandwich I make every new year: cornbread (vegan for op, of course), mashed up black eyed peas, and cooked cabbage. I cook the cabbage with butter or margarine. Salt and pepper for the l peas.

    4. anonagain*

      I’m excited for you! I know there’s a learning curve, but it is also a chance to try all sorts of new things.

      Do you like chickpeas? I like chickpea salad in sandwiches. There are many recipes that can be modified to suit your tastes and cooking preferences. One variation that I like is mashing avocado and chickpeas together with a fork, and adding lemon juice, salt, and pepper as the base. I don’t like onion, but I think the original recipe had that. You can really add whatever you think sounds nice.

      Are there other vegetables you like? Roasted peppers? Eggplant? Sauteed mushroom? Caramelized onions? Sweet potato? (I used to love this sandwich that was sweet potato and green apple.)

      I like the marinated tofu idea. Also, falafel or veggie burgers!

      I’ve not baked in years and the dessert references I have from back then were cashew heavy. So instead I’m going to suggest the blog and YouTube channel Gretchen’s Vegan Bakery, even though I haven’t personally tried any of the recipes. Gretchen used to own a traditional bakery, so you will notice that her desserts and photos have that old school look. (I love it, but it’s different from a lot of what you see on social media.)

      She has a tiramisu recipe that I think should be safe for you (apologies if I overlooked anything). She also has a lot of “building block” recipes — things like butter cream frostings and the like.

      I hope this helped!

      1. Lena Clare*

        So many great ideas thank you! And thanks so much for sending me to the Gretchen’s Vegan Bakery blog, it looks like something I will be able to dip into a lot! I really enjoy baking but for some reason I am nervous about vegan baking.

        I think some ingredients might be more difficult to source here (UK) unless I get them online, but I think I’m just going to spend some time getting the basics down before I try anything a bit more unusual.
        I tend to be ok cooking savoury recipes and have been trialling vegan things for weeks now. I’m also ok if I’m in work and can use the microwave (soup) or toaster (pitta breads) it’s just that sometimes I am out on visits all day and I have to take a sandwich with me to lunch otherwise I don’t eat and that is when I am more likely to lapse by buying something else (non-vegan) to eat!

        I have been kind of eating all kinds of unhealthy stuff too when I find it in the shops, going overboard like – “hey this is vegan I’m going to eat it!” so I’m hoping that’ll calm down soon lol. I mean, I had some vegan Rocky road this morning for my breakfast

        1. anonagain*

          Man, I wish I had rocky road for breakfast. :)
          It makes perfect sense to me that you’d want to try everything right now. You’re looking for your new favorite foods. I think finding foods you enjoy, including treats, is a big part of being able to stay vegan.

          I have a massive sweet tooth and so the first thing I did was learn to make a cake. This was in 2006 when the only way for me to get vegan cake was to make it myself. In those first few weeks, I made cake every few days. Then every week. Now I don’t bake at all. But at the time, I was overwhelmed at how much I was giving up, you know? If I thought I was looking at living the entire rest of my life without cake, I’m not sure I would’ve done it. That exercise was crucial for me to be able to envision being vegan forever.

          It sounds like you are doing really well so far!

    5. Reba*

      Seitan! if you can get wheat gluten (we ordered it online) it’s not hard to make at home. Great with barbecue sauce.

      1. Lena Clare*

        Yes I got something similar and made a kebab style pitta bread (I do eat other things apart from pitta lol) It was really nice.

    6. Ranon*

      I’ll second chickpea salad! I do chickpeas, lightly smashed, lemon juice, olive oil, salt, pepper, capers (or olives if you like olives better), something crunchy (usually radishes or celery), minced red onion/ shallot/ green onion, minced garlic, and tomato (if it’s tomato season). Pile that on bread with vegan mayo and lettuce and you’ve got a heck of a sandwich.

      We usually do this as tacos but it would make a good po-boy, too- blackened tofu w/ avocado crema. Crispy tofu planks cooked per the Cook’s illustrated salt water bath method, then fried a second time with the spices for blackened fish, with a vinegar cabbage slaw and avocado pureed with lime on top. It’s really incredibly good.

      1. LemonLyman*

        I third the mashed chickpea idea! Mixed with hummus, avocado, or a vegan mayo (Live the tang of vegan mayo!). And ins of your choice. There are some good suggestions here (I like a little shallots with mine).

        2. ..Kat..*

          The best vegan mayo that I have found is Just Mayo. It is also gluten free. And it comes in a few flavors, such as chipotle.

    7. Mephyle*

      You can make tofu “sausage” of many different kinds by varying the marinade. Look up recipes for homemade sausages and take just the herbs and spices, along with some vegetable broth. With this method, you can make Italian sausage tofu, Polish sausage tofu, chorizo tofu, frankfurter tofu, or many others.
      Fry the slices of tofu in a non-stick pan with a little bit of oil until golden, then add the marinade and cook until the marinade has boiled off.
      Another nice sandwich filling is leftover bean or lentil loaf of any kind, sliced.
      Another one would be chickpea cheese – there are a lot of recipes on the internet.

    9. The Gollux (Not a Mere Device)*

      Roast sweet potato, slices of apple, and greens. The cafe I go to makes that with goat cheese. so not vegan, but a bit of margarine should work to moisten it.

      1. Lena Clare*

        Is the sweet potato mashed and spread on the bread? And by greens do you mean green vegetables or green leaves for salad?

    10. Loopy*

      Most people have already mentioned my ideas but I’ll second avocado (mashed and creamy is really phenomenal), hummus, some carrots and veggies to give it some texture and YUM. I know there are some great chickpea salad recipes I’ve used and been thrilled to bits with. Those are my three go-tos for sandwiches. Avocado is most effortlessly filling, IMO.

      Instagram has so so so much good vegan food and recipes going on. If you use it I highly recommend following some vegan food bloggers there for both meals and desserts. I’m trying a recipe form elavegan myself this weekend and found her on Instagram!

    11. londonedit*

      I saw a recipe on Pinterest the other day for sweet potato and black bean burritos – they were vegan and sounded really nice. I’m sure there are plenty of similar recipes around!

    12. Annonymous*

      My Mom swore by cream cheese and green olive sandwiches. They’re delish. (There is vegan cream cheese, right?)

      1. Observer*

        Most of the vegan cream cheese is stuff I would go VERY light on – so much junk. But, the good ones really DO taste almost like real cream cheese.

    13. Mariella*

      the bbq place by us has a vegan “pulled pork” that uses jackfruit. not sure how easy it would be to make at home, but it’s really tasty!

    14. The Doctor is In*

      Jackfruit; pork-like consistency. You can get it already made into barbecue flavors. Good in wraps or on bread.

    16. Teach*

      At my house, crusty bread spread with pesto and topped with roasted or grilled veggie slices is a hit! Think red bell peppers, zucchini, eggplant, mushrooms. If vegan cheese is worth eating, something light and melty. If not, maybe a little vegan mayo for the creaminess?

      1. Lena Clare*

        I used to eat a version of this with halloumi from my local sandwich shop, I can ask then to just do the roasted veg and put vegan mayo on myself. Thanks :)

    17. Observer*

      Chumus (humus) is another good sandwich filling.

      Are you off all nuts or just cashews? Because there are lots of other nut butters to be had, if you can eat them. Mock chopped liver is often a good choice – and you can find ones that don’t use cashews, but you have to check carefully. (I see a lot that have eggplant and / or peas.)

      If you are ok with soy (doesn’t agree with everyone) it’s also very easy to make an egg salad look / feel alike filling.

      If you like sweet fillings, there are some good recipes for sweet tahini preparations. The one I use is whole tahini, a pinch of salt, carob powder (the original calls for cocoa, but my husband can’t eat chocolate in any form) and honey (about 2/3 the volume of the Tahini.)

  10. Marzipan*

    My official test date for my donor egg IVF isn’t for another few days but tests at this point should be 99% accurate and… yeah. Not pregnant. So everything is a bit rubbish really.

    2. Valancy Snaith*

      My beta was negative as well. I have one more in the freezer but it’s not great quality, so I’ve been down in the dumps all week. I feel you.

    6. Jemima Bond*

      I don’t know if it’s comforting or not (so sorry if not) but friends of mine went through a difficult time trying to get pregnant both in the old-school way and via IVF, but eventually it did work (the IVF) and now they have twin boys – as their dad says, it was literally “buy one get one free”! I hope it happens for you both soon x

      1. Valancy Snaith*

        I know you mean well and it is very kind, but it’s not a very comforting thought at all. We all know that IVF can work–that’s why we’re investing thousands of dollars, amazing amounts of time, and terrible amounts of stress on our body. To say that it worked for other people honestly just feels like rubbing salt in the wound.

      2. Quandong*

        Jemima, as a person for whom IVF did not succeed, please don’t retell this story in future to people who are having a really tough time with IVF or trying to conceive. It’s not comforting, it has the opposite effect, actually.

        1. Jemima Bond*

          Sincere apologies. I was thinking of a situation in my own life where hope helped but I should have been more sensitive to realise that wouldn’t necessarily be the case for others/other situations. Very sorry to have upset you and be reassured I won’t be making a mess of misplaced sympathy attempts in future.

    7. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      Hug . Take care of yourself and do something for “you” this weekend. Weary from this battle but not conceding the war.

  11. Cinnamon*

    If a child (around 11 or 12) goes from being fairly extroverted, confident and assertive to being very introverted, shy and insecure within a relatively short timeframe (less than a year), would you suspect something happened (or was still happening) or assume it’s them growing up and getting into typical teenager issues?

    1. T*

      A sudden change like that can be a big warning sign in a child. I wouldn’t make any assumptions, but it is not something to just ignore.

      It could be anything from bullying, to abuse, to developing mental health issues, to hormones and feeling uncomfortable in their own body, to something else entirely. It’s important to try and find out what’s going on, and make sure the kiddo has what support they need.

    2. WS*

      It could be normal teenage issues, but even normal teenage issues can be traumatic to some kids. And while getting more introverted around that time is normal, if people who see them frequently are noticing big changes (as opposed to people who see them every few months or so) it’s probably worth checking out.

    3. Asenath*

      It could be either – it’s worth asking if everything is OK, for sure, but not panic time. If the child is simply going through normal issues they might resent parental interference, but a check for trouble will make the parent feel better and cover that possibility.

    5. Thrown into the fire new manager*

      I would definitely keep an eye on it. Did they change to middle School? Friends change groups and jump ship around that age which can leave some behind and be really hard on a once confident kid.

    6. MattKnifeNinja*

      My niece did a turn like that and we all panicked.

      The transition to middle school is rough for almost all kids. Then she started her menses. Hormones plus a big change (middle school), made her a snippy, dodgy, less then sunny, I hate you mess.

      We checked for the usual suspects school bullying, internet history body cavity search, social media, friends, any drinking/drugging/boozing, self harm and depression.

      My niece has a GP who has known her since birth, and she adores him. Her mom took her for a physical. What the niece told him is not being a little kid anymore is hard, and being a teen is scary. It was a “new body” and new expectations at school that threw her. Mom stepped out of the room during the “Do you have anything you would like to ask?”. That’s when she told him. (Mom had told the GP about her worry with depression/anxiety before the visit.

      Her grades never dropped, but tween/teen girl drama is the worse!

      Watchful observing and more listening than talking. I wouldn’t panicked, but I wouldn’t write it off either.

      ETA: walking or talking in the car works with my niece. We have better conversation because we aren’t face to face. For her, it makes a difference.

      1. Parenthetically*

        Outstanding advice from start to finish. Cosigning on all of it as a teacher of kids this (very difficult) age.

      2. Anonapixie*

        Took a Tween/Teen Mental Health First Aide course for certification, and this is basically the playbook for it! Great advice!
        The only thing I would add is don’t pester– let them know that you are there and will listen. The biggest preventative for teen mental health crisis was having one adult that a child felt they could confide in. Be that adult, or know that adult in your child’s life and have the child in contact with them.

    7. Beth Jacobs*

      I went through basically the same thing in my early teens and looking back, I still can’t pinpoint what caused it. There wasn’t a single traumatic event. My home life had its issues, but that wasn’t a new development. I went from a happy extroverted eleven-year old to a socially phobic self-harming teen.

      I know what helped me get out of it was getting into a new social group that didn’t know about any of my issues and didn’t treat me any different for it. I joined a sports club outside of my school that really helped bring me out of my shell as I made some friends. Looking back, I really wish I had changed schools. Things didn’t really get completely better until college when I got a complete fresh start.

      The good news is that it probably will get better. I’m a well adjusted adult now and think my teenage depression has made me a stronger person.

      I would definitely recommend monitoring the situation closely and most importantly, try to give the kid some control over their life, as they probably feel like they have none. I’m not sure what the adults in my life could have done differently since I refused to tell anyone what was wrong (and didn’t really know myself), but I do remember that feeling of powerlessness and wouldn’t wish it upon anyone else.

    9. Teach*

      Our pediatrician screens for mental health stuff at well-kid visits. Maybe that’s an option? My son had the changes you describe at that age – he had undiagnosed ADHD (inattentive type) and OCD that had gone unnoticed because he was bright enough to keep up at school. When that tide started turning, he also became depressed and anxious from fighting his brain and feeling like a failure. And all of this with no words to express what was going on, just a great behavior change.
      If my blood pressure, weight, or vision changed rapidly, i’d Get a thorough evaluation. I’m now extending that thinking to mental health issues!

    11. Cartographical*

      As mentioned, even regular teenage issues can be really difficult. In my experience — outside of A Single Very Bad Incident — it’s been anything from grade anxieties (we started getting the Permanent Record/Good College threats in sixth grade), learning difficulties including change in eyesight or increased expectations illuminating existing problems, being in the closet (voluntarily or through ignorance) about sexuality/gender, not knowing how to navigate sexual harassment or just sexualized interactions, educational transitions are also where really bright kids flounder if they hit a rough spot due to poor coping and high expectations, poor reaction to alcohol or marijuana (especially the latter can exacerbate mood disorders even in intermittent use), and it turned out to be PMDD in my own kid which was totally off my radar until she was sixteen. These days, online angst is very real and worth discussing anyway, I’d expect.

      Kids are in a weird space at that age, with an ever-increasing imbalance between understanding and agency that can make them feel simultaneously overburdened and helpless. That alone is enough to make anyone withdrawn and anxious. Watchful waiting and demonstrated openness/flexibility is probably the right course.

    12. Adminx2*

      I think you’ve pinpointed the problem with stereotyping “typical teenagers” because it allows real issues to be ignored and wiped away. There’s so many amazing teenagers who are respectful, helpful, smart, attentive, trying their best- but why bother because the moment they try and assert any real independent thought, they just get tossed in the bin with anyone else?
      Yes I think there’s likely some real issue going on which deserves checking out.

  12. T*

    The spouse has been over in the US for about a fortnight now, not due back until June. So right now I’m living alone for the first time ever.

    Anyone have any tips for feeling comfortable in your own space when alone? Relatedly, we moved at the start of this year as well, so I’m feeling very dislocated.

    1. Lena Clare*

      Get to know your area – go on walking tours that you’ve arranged yourself and have a look around the local sites. Get to know the history. Walk round the parks. Say hi to people in coffee shops. Go to the local market.

      If you like volunteering and running join Goodgym in your area, get to know people. Or regular volunteering can help.

      Mindfulness meditation for acceptance of feelings in general is helpful for me – Google some guided ones or use YouTube. Jon Kabat Zinn is good but he talks too much for my liking ;) I prefer prof Mark Williams.

      And start up those hobbies you used to do on your own again, like reading, craft stuff (actually if you don’t want to be on your own you can join craft groups for crafting together, but I’m thinking of stiff you can do to help you feel more at home in your home), yoga, gardening, cooking… whatever you used to like in your old house that you can do in this one.
      Arranging your decor to make it more ‘you’ wool help the homey feeling.

      Routine always helps so it will get better over time.

      Sending you good vibes :)

      1. T*

        Thanks for the tips! I am heartened that a lot of them were things I had kind of planned anyway, so now I just have to actually do them.

        I keep hoping that things will just suddenly click into place, but in the end I guess you just have to do the things and wait for a new groove to form :).

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I love T’s idea of regular walks. The sooner the neighborhood feels familiar the better.
      Learn some of your neighbor’s names. If you like animals, learn their pets names.
      Lock up well at night. Have a routine of going around your house checking doors and window. You can also check the stove and coffee pot. Just do an all around safety check before turning in. I am not saying to be scared, I mean it in the context of take the steps necessary to remain safe and secure.
      Plan weekly activities. If you work, you don’t need to add a lot, perhaps have one day where you go to the library or something each week. Make that part of your weekly schedule.

      When I first moved away from home, my routines were very important to me. It gave me a sense of continuity for one thing, which I really wanted. So driving the same route to work, or shopping in the same grocery store were supportive activities for me because they started feeling familiar. Once I got used to those routines I started branching out, I would try a different store or a different route.
      Having family or friends you can check in with on a semi-regular basis is also good. One week you check with Cousin Sue, next week you check with best friend, Bob. It’s a good way to feel connected to others even though you are in the house alone.

    3. Earthwalker*

      Try scouting out fun places to go and things to do when your spouse is back. You could be his tour guide in the new place.

    6. Loopy*

      This is pretty specific to me, but nothing works like a routine to help me feel settled. Even if it’s something like: Monday night is Tea and TV night snuggled on the couch, Tuesday is gym night, Wednesday is cook a nice meal night, Thursdays stay open, and Friday is go out exploring night. the idea is pretty adaptable if you have a fair amount of control over your free time.

      1. JenRN*

        I agree. Whenever I’ve moved to a new area (alone or with a partner) I’ve found going to a local cafe at a regular time really grounding. You start to see familiar faces and the staff recognize you. It won’t turn into an episode of “Cheers” or anything, but just starting or finishing the day with friendly smiles or nods of recognition are helpful in getting settled and feeling like one belongs in a new community.

    2. Sad face*

      Yeahhhhh not a spoiler alert if you don’t mention what show you’re talking about before the spoiler… you just ruined the series for me :(

    3. Lena Clare*

      Why don’t you ask to have this removed then rewrite it as ‘spoiler alert for hell’s kitchen’… then put the spoiler in a reply to yourself so people don’t accidentally read what the spoiler is.

    5. Jean (just Jean)*

      The comment did begin with “SPOILER” but as a rapid reader I totally missed it.
      Not rude to me b/c I have no idea what Hell’s Kitchen is.
      I’m happy that Quake is happy, and sorry that for others the suspense just went slack.

    6. Need a Beach*

      That’s not how spoilers work. You say what they’re for, don’t just barf “spoiler!” into the universe. Otherwise anyone who cares about any show, movie, or book they haven’t finished will have to avoid what you wrote.

    7. The Man, Becky Lynch*

      This only works if you can write things in white text…there’s no way to avoid a spoiler if you just add a few lines to it. This is pretty tacky to say the least.

  14. Quake Johnson*

    Who are we rooting for on America’s Got Talent Champions? I’m a ride or die member of Team Shin Lim.

    2. Ann O.*

      Yes!

      Although I’d be happy with Kseniya Simonova as well. She has such a unique talent and she does it so well.

      1. Quake Johnson*

        Yes, she’s great too! I remember when her videos went viral the first time and was happy to see her again.

        Honestly just hope it’s not one of the many singers (except maybe Susan Boyle).

  15. Oxford Karma*

    I enjoyed the grammar discussion this week. I didn’t see any mention of my least favorite “incorrection” (as someone termed it), so I’ll mention it here. It’s the “good” vs. “well” debate. If you ask me how I am, I’ll usually say, “Good, and you?” It rolls off the tongue nicely, and it’s pleasant yet vague – maybe I’m in good spirits, or maybe good health, and I like not having to specify which of those is true.

    People usually say they’re “good” or “well” in response to the “and you?”, and I’m happy to hear either. What irks me is when someone decides to transform this exchange of pleasantries into a snotty-toned lesson about using an adverb to modify the verb “to be”.

    Next time it happens, I’m going to pretend that I’m soaking up their knowledge. “Oh, an adverb modifies ‘to be’, okay. How am I? I’m a little tiredly right now, but I’m cheerfully anyway — TGIF! Hey, your shirt is really cutely!”

    Adjectives are appropriate because I’m describing my condition (or the shirt’s condition), I’m not describing the way in which I’m performing an action (or the way the shirt performs an action). “Well” happens to be an adjective meaning “healthy” in addition to being the adverb form of “good”. So the adjective “well/healthy” is a great answer to the question, and the less-specific-but-it’s-nobody’s-business-anyway adjective “good” is also a great answer.

    Really, it’s just a pleasant greeting, and I don’t care whether either of us is grammatically correct or not – but I do care when someone gets preachy about grammar during a social interaction, especially if they’re the one who is wrong. Or maybe I should say: especially if they’re the one who is wrongly. :)

    1. only acting normal*

      English is defined by usage. It does not have a committee that determines “correct” like some languages (e.g. French IIRC?).
      New usage *does* take while to become mainstream enough that the majority of people understand, so you can’t go completely freestyle, and this evolution of language may lead to things that make me twitchy, such as “literally” now legitimately meaning “figuratively”. *twitch* But dem’s da roolz.
      Also formal written English is vastly different from spoken English (unless writing dialogue, obviously).
      Soz fellow grammar pedants, we’re on the wrong side.

      1. Asenath*

        Sure, usage eventually determined what is good English, but there’s a long period when many people will be comfortable with and use Usage A while Usage B slowly makes its way to the mainstream. So it’s useful to know that in formal situations, especially with acquaintances (eg at work), will use Usage A and to do the same, even if at home you use Usage B. So there’s still a role for pedants!

        A lot of my friends used to be essentially bilingual in English. They grew up in parts of the province where non-standard English was the norm. They learned standard English in school, and automatically switched to a more formal “standard” language and accent in school and other more formal situations, and spoke “normally” among friends and family. It’s not unusual at all to have access to more than one kind of English, to be used as needed and desired!

        1. All Stitched Up*

          Sure, people who know and can convey what the current grammar and usage in Standard English are useful, but I would disagree that “language pedants” specifically are useful. That may be because of the connotations I have with “pedant”—to me, it means someone who insists that the way they want to see language used is The One Correct Way. Someone who understands what the “rules” of Standard English are but also recognizes the validity of *other* dialects (because yes, Standard English is a dialect too! Just a higher status one than many others!) is not a pedant, and usually knows when it’s appropriate to “correct” “mistakes” (someone asked you to proofread for them, you’re a writing instructor, it’s your job) and when it’s not (a random stranger on the internet used a homophone or a non standard spelling or even a malapropism but their meaning is still clear, or you’re in casual conversation with them.)

          I have some strong feelings about this.

      2. Alucius*

        Slate’s language podcast Lexicon Valley had a pretty good discussion of the figurative use of “literally” a couple of weeks ago. I’m probably not remembering this exactly right, but I think the host suggested that literally is just the latest in a long line of words that started out signifying truth, but have morphed into emphasis. Real…becoming really, was another one he mentioned.

      3. ArtK*

        There’s a constant debate (war?) between the prescriptivists and the descriptivists. For a descriptivist — grammar describes what the language is. For a prescriptivist, grammar defines what the language is.

        Me, I’m a descriptivist. There are changes in the language that I don’t particularly like, but I recognize that change is inevitable.

        1. The Dread Pirate Buttercup*

          I waffle on the prescriptivist vs. descriptivist and issue and hence avoid the issue altogether by saying, “I’m happy to be here, thank you for asking! And you?” Which is true: I had some major health issues a few years back, and I am grateful to be alive and not in pain or physical misery, even if I’m in a situation that is generally considered tedious. (If the person to whom I am speaking is close enough to me to know that I had a close call, the answer is, “I am happy to see you!”)

          Which is to say, I am a craven, fence-sitting coward, but genuinely grateful to be alive and see my family and friends — none of whom would correct anyone regarding the “good” or “well” issue unless the target audience seemed genuinely interested in the nuts and bolts of language.

    3. MRK*

      I had a neighbor who would, to your face, correct you if you said “good” instead of “well.” Otherwise a nice woman but holy heck did that grate on my nerves.

    4. Hooptido*

      Who are these people? I have spent a lifetime around nit picky grammarians and have never heard anyone say that. I think I would just laugh and walk away.

    5. Marthooh*

      Thinking it over… when I say I’m well, I mean “healthy”; when I say “I’m good”, I mean something else: satisfied, cheerful, not in need of another piece of pizza, whatever.

    6. Mimmy*

      I had a teacher once chide me for that. I don’t remember if it was “I am good/well” or if it was “I did good/well on the test” but it was annoying nonetheless.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        The French have the Academie Francaise, which decides on whether a word is French or not. Its members are called “Immortels”.

  16. First Vacation*

    I’m turning a certain age this year, and I’ve decided to treat myself to my first vacation. Due to student loans and other expenses, I’ve never been able to afford a real vacation. I’ve got the hotel covered through points earned during business travel. I even know the particular hotel where I want to stay. I know where I’m going. I know the time of year I want to go. I have a good idea of what I want to do while there. Since last year, I’ve been saving money each week to cover expenses.

    But I haven’t booked my room yet because I don’t know how to pick dates! I know about how many days I can stay, but I’m completely frozen at choosing dates. I’ve narrowed it between a 2 month window. I shouldn’t have a problem getting the time off work (and of course I would do that before I book any travel). How do I do this? I’ve never had the financial ability to travel for leisure. The city I’m visiting is in a neighboring state, so I’m planning to drive. I was thinking a Wednesday-Sunday? I don’t know.

    There’s also the added complication that my mom will want to go. My dad had promised her that after he retired, they would do some traveling–but that hasn’t happened (it’s complicated). My mom really doesn’t have access to their money because he’s really controlling with it. If I book this trip and don’t invite her, she’ll have her feelings hurt and call me selfish. But if she goes on this trip with me, we’re likely to argue. She doesn’t have her own credit card and can’t afford her own hotel room, so she would be sharing mine and that would drive me crazy. I can’t afford to pay for her to have a separate room as well as cover my own expenses.

    I really want to do this for myself, but I’m frozen about booking the room because of the dates, but a big part of it too is do I book a room with 2 beds for the likelihood that my mom will be going with me (which I don’t want) or book a room with 1 bed (which is what I want), but face her hostility and jealousy later? She knows I’m planning this trip, which I get was dumb of me to mention to her in the first place.

    I’ve been dreaming of this particular trip for over 10 years, and I finally am able to make it a reality. I don’t want to screw it up.

    1. The Messy Headed Momma*

      You are NOT obligated to take your Mother. Take this one vacation, just for you! You earned it & you deserve it! Wednesday – Sunday is a great idea because you can spend the 1st few days checking out stuff while the rest of the city is working. Then, on the weekends, you’ll have a much better sense of the places you might like to return to. Also, try to pick one local restaurant/coffee shop/bar & go everyday at about the same time. It’s a fun way to see how a place lives & breathes without all of the touristy hype.
      Take your Mom on day trips instead. Get out there & have fun!!

    2. Elspeth McGillicuddy*

      Let me decide the mom thing for you: book a room with one bed. You are going on a glorious solo first vacation, and you are not taking your mom along. Deal with the fallout as you have to (I’m sure other people will have great advice), but go by your self.

      For dates, is there any events happening that you would want to go to? Look at the calenders for the city and anyplace else you want to go. If there’s anything that makes you go “oooh, fun”, go then. Otherwise… second week of the first month of your window sounds pretty good. No reason why not, anyway.

      I’m leaving on my first post-loan vacation in 8 days, and starting to dream of the next. May we both have a glorious time!

    3. Bibliovore*

      Do not take your mother into any consideration. She is not joining you on this vacation. This is your vacation. Detach with love. Be matter of fact. Make your plans. Get one bed. Nearer to the time say- I will be gone for these days in this city. No explanations needed. Your mothers’ reactions and feelings are none of your business. Focus on yourself. Have a lovely time.

      1. Doodle*

        Right, do NOT tell your mother (or anyone who might tell your mother) until much closer to the trip. Like Monday of the week you’re going. Or even better, Monday after you get back!

    4. Koala dreams*

      Don’t bring your mum and book the single bed room. If she asks why she can’t come, just say “It’s a solo trip”. Repeat as needed. Good luck!

      It’s good to choose the dates so that you have at least one day at home before you need to go to work. You’ll want to unpack and unwind after your trip.

    5. Leonardine*

      I think you should feel absolutely free to go on this long-dreamed-of trip alone, without a shred of guilt. I know that’s easier said than done, but I’m willing to bet that nobody reading your comment is thinking “How selfish of her to go on her first vacation without her mother.” If you read over what you wrote, I’m sure you’ll see how much you’re deeply dreading the idea of traveling together, and how much it would hijack your own dream of a nice solo vacation. Will that make for a nice trip for either of you?

      I’m sure your mother is a lovely person, and I don’t mean you should be callous toward her – her situation sounds difficult. If it helps, you could start planning a (short) trip or experience for the two of you to share in the future, including her in the planning from the get-go (which is sometimes half the fun). It will be much nicer for both of you to intentionally plan a trip together, rather than your mother guilting you into including her in a very special plan you made just for you!

      If she brings it up constantly, I would make my responses brief and cheerful: “Oh, I’m actually doing this trip all by myself – I’m so excited to finally have a chance to do that!” “This one’s just a solo vacation, but I’d love for us to plan a weekend together soon! What about this summer?” “I’m so sorry you feel left out, Mom. Like I said, I’ve been planning this as a trip just for me, but I can’t wait to share my photos with you/bring you back a souvenir. Should we plan to get coffee when I’m back?”

      The less you act apologetic or guilty about this totally reasonable thing, the less entitled she’ll feel to guilt you, in my experience. Remind yourself that you deserve this break, and you aren’t taking a vacation *at* your mother. She’ll be ok.

      I hope you have a wonderful, luxurious time all by yourself.

      1. First Vacation*

        Thank you for the thoughtful advice. I feel badly for her not having any money of her own, but I’ve dreamed of this trip for over 10 years and I’ve worked very hard and done without things to get where I am. I work with a lot of people who travel frequently, and it’s hard to listen to the details about their latest cruise or overseas trip and not feel sorry for myself.

        I like your idea of bringing her back a gift or making plans for us to do something else together.

    6. WellRed*

      If you don’t want to screw it u p, stop talking about it with your mother. Make a plan to do something with her when you get back.

    7. Loopy*

      For booking advice: check out if there are any annual fun events that fall in your location that you’d like to hit. Or even seasonal foods. Alternatively, you could look up big events to avoid those weekends due to extra crowds/traffic/difficulty of getting prime accommodations.

      To echo others, it wont be easy to go without your mother but I think it will be well worth whatever difficult mitigation or consolation you need to do to stand firm.

    8. Thursday Next*

      Chiming in to agree with the chorus of people who say this is a trip for you, and that you needn’t feel bad about not bringing your mother. If it helps, don’t tell her you’re going on the trip beforehand. What she doesn’t know about, she can’t complain about.

      This has been your dream for a long time, and if doing it solo is part of that dream, that’s very important. Please don’t feel bound by a sense of obligation. Sometimes we really do get to do things for ourselves

      Regarding picking dates, if you’re not constrained bye work, in my experience, there’s always a point at which I just have to make a choice. Once you’ve considered any important work deadlines, personal commitments, dates you absolutely wouldn’t want to travel because of festival/large crowds (or maybe those are the precise dates you would want to be in that destination!), and weather concerns, one date is pretty much the same as any other. I do tinker around a little bit when flights are involved, to see whether leaving or departing a few days before or after a date I’ve chosen makes a big difference in flight prices.

      But at a certain point, you’ve just got to commit, and know that you will have a great time!

      1. First Vacation*

        You’re right–I’m just going to have to take the plunge and pick the damn dates already. I’ve narrowed dates way down. Weather is a concern in this city–summer is a no go because of the heat/humidity, for example. I’ve got a window. I just need to book the time off at work, and I don’t think it will be an issue.

    9. Bluebell*

      Agreeing with the rest of the crowd–a vacation with your mom won’t be that much of a vacation. Choose the room with the small bed, enjoy yourself, and do something with your mom afterwards. This summer I treated myself to a trip alone without husband or daughter– it was so worth it!!

    10. Annonymous*

      As far as the date to choose, I always chose a week that included my ”extra” pay. (If you are paid every other week like I am, there are usually a couple of times a year with 3 pays to meet monthly expenses, not just 2, thus a few extra bucks for vacation fun. )

      1. First Vacation*

        I wish! We get paid twice a month, not every 2 weeks. Sometimes it’s just under 2 weeks, sometimes just over. But it’s always twice a month for a total of 24 pay checks annually.

        Last year, I set up an automatic weekly transfer of a certain amount of money from checking into a special savings account for this trip. It’s not a ton of money, but it will help.

    11. Jane*

      You have every right to go solo. Your mother’s lack of vacation in her life is not your responsibility, and it will not be fun or relaxing arguing with your mother the whole time!

      Going on vacation alone as an adult is a 100% normal thing to do and if your mother tries to guilt trip you about it, don’t listen.

      (My mother guilt trips me every single time I go on vacation AND every single time someone she knows goes on vacation with their own child…but if I went on vacation with my mother, I’d need a vacation even more than before I went.)

      1. First Vacation*

        And that’s the thing–I wanted to do this trip 10 years ago for a different milestone birthday, but real life took a different turn and I didn’t have the money. So I’ve dreamed about it all this time, and decided this was going to be the year. I’m turning an age that is famously dreaded, and I’ve decided to make it a great year instead. I want to treat myself and do what I want to do and at my own pace. I love my mom, but if she went with me, we would wind up arguing.

    12. The Man, Becky Lynch*

      She can’t even pay for her portion of the trip and bickers with you! That makes it even easier to say to detach and go it alone. If it was only a financial thing, I would be far more kind about it all but no way should you ever travel for leisure with someone who is going to be a burden {financially and emotionally!}, that defeats the purpose of the vacation.

      I’m also assuming you don’t live with her. So the unfortunate fall out only means she’ll whine at you during family time? That’s her own nonsense, not yours. Avoid talking to her and feel free to cut a conversation short if she tries to guilt you about it. You deserve happiness and the enjoyment of your life.

      1. First Vacation*

        Yep, that’s my mom! It’s hard to live with, but I’ve come to realize she’s jealous of my financial independence. She’s basically on an allowance from my dad. I don’t think she has any credit cards in her name. If she went on this trip, I would likely be expected to pay for everything and then my dad would write me a check later for her portion of the trip.

        Correct–I live on my own.

        1. Venus*

          > If she went on this trip, I would likely be expected to pay for everything and then my dad would write me a check later for her portion of the trip.

          I think that this makes it even easier (because your father can help alleviate financial burden) to ask your mother where *she* wants to go for your trip together. A trip taken *after* your own. It might be best to talk less about your current plans, and instead come up with 2-3 places the two of you could go together (even if it’s an overnight down the street), and let her choose. If finances are an issue then maybe provide a financial estimate for your father, and he can pay for her portion ahead of time, with a post-trip adjustment done when all the receipts are finalised?

        2. JPlummer*

          Why does dad have control of all the money/credit cards? All things considered and if dad reneged on his promise of post-retirement travel, I’d be looking for accommodations for two and picking up the tab without complaint.

          1. First Vacation*

            Because my dad is really bad with money. He spends too much, and doesn’t want my mom to know how bad it is. When he worked, he had credit card bills sent to his office so she wouldn’t see them. Although they have a joint bank account (and she even has her own solo account), he won’t let her access the joint account and she has to ask him for money to put in her own account. She doesn’t have a debit card or any credit cards. Part of it is that she chooses to remain ignorant of their finances. She prefers not knowing. It’s terrible and sad, but I can’t change it.

            1. JPlummer*

              I was convinced by everything you wrote not that YOU need a vacation but that your mother does. That is probably a function of age more than anything else.

              Of course you deserve a solo vacation, without having to justify it to or get permission from anyone. And maybe your mother doesn’t need a vacation as much as she needs an ally. I hope you can find a way to achieve a healthy level of detachment while not completely withdrawing from her. And that, I promise, is all I got. Peace.

    13. StellaBella*

      Chiming in too. It is your vacation dream. Yours. There is no reason to feel guilty. Take the days off, turn off your phone ringer, and other ways you can be contacted, disconnect, and enjoy the vacation you have earned. Setting boundaries is a part of getting older and maturing. Learn that too as part of this milestone birthday, and it will serve you well. The issues your parents have are not your problem to fix. Also you can do things and go places alone without telling them.

      1. ..Kat..*

        I second turning off the phone ringer thing. You might need to block your mom for the duration of the trip if she decides to harass you with whiny/blamy text messages and phone calls. I recommend preempting this type of thing by telling her you will not be calling her or checking your phone for the duration of the trip (just call it a technology holiday!). (you don’t have to go technology free, just set the expectation that you will not be in contact)

        Also, your mom chose her husband and her life. She can choose to get a job or change her life. To push these things onto you, her child, is gross.

        Sorry if I am reading more into the situation than is there. I have a mom like this and I may be projecting my experience onto yours.

        1. First Vacation*

          No, it’s okay. She regularly vents to me about my dad, and every time I have to stop her and say some variation of, “This is my dad, and I won’t be put in the middle of this. I can’t listen to you vent about your marriage because he’s my dad. You need to talk to a friend or a therapist about this.” Lather, rinse, and repeat.

          He’s not a great husband–he’s never cheated or been abusive, but he takes her for granted–but he’s always been a very good dad to me. I’m an only child, so I don’t have siblings to help.

    14. Not A Manager*

      If you’re looking for scripts to use with your mom, check out Captain Awkward. I would suggest, “Sorry, Mom, that’s not possible,” “No, that won’t work,” and “This is my own private trip.” There’s absolutely zero way that you can convince her that you have a right to this experience, so don’t try. It will just frustrate you both.

      1. ..Kat..*

        Captain Awkward also has good suggestions for how to end the conversation, so that you don’t feel stuck listening to your mom for hours (until you captitulate).

        1. JenRN*

          Id make it all about the milestone and going solo:

          “Mom, I’m turning x years old and so it is important for me to do this trip solo”. Then I would turn into a broken record on the “it is important for me to do this solo” part until she goes away (of course I can also play peek-a-boo with a baby for an hour so some may not have the endurance for the broken record style approach).

    15. Anonymouse for this*

      Have a fabulous vacation – on your own. You can bring your mum a present back – maybe do a daytrip together at a later date. I know its easier said than done but have one conversation where you explain you simply can’t afford to pay for her as well. After that if she tries guilt tripping you then just change the subject or find a reason to to hang up the phone/leave the house to get away from the pressure.

      Try the tourist board website for the city you’re going to – they should have a calendar with theatre/museums/festivals/markets etc that are happening and you can see what jumps out at you.

    16. Adminx2*

      “This birthday signifies my independence from my parents issues. My mother may decide I am the bad guy but I know I am not. I am not responsible for her vacations. I deserve this for myself and to enjoy fully.”

      Make sure mom either doesn’t know any details about the trip or you give her fake ones.

      I assure you parents who use their emotions to manipulate their kids only get WORSE in time. The sooner you start removing their influence, the much healthier everyone will be.

      1. Test*

        Nope, no links or bad language or anything else weird I can think of. I even checked the Friday thread to make sure I hadn’t posted in there by mistake. I can’t find my real post anywhere.

        I thought maybe they weren’t going through because the system recognized them as duplicate messages, even though I tried to change them up (i.e. “Apologies if this comes through more than once.”)

        1. Eleanor Rigby*

          Sometimes moderation is odd though, it doesn’t have to be links or swearing that makes it go into moderation. Am sure Alison will approve it when she gets to it

          1. Not So NewReader*

            Yeah, Alison has explained this before some times really random stuff gets hung up in moderation for no apparent reason. And yeah, she will let it out of moderation when she sees it. So there is probably nothing “wrong” with your posts, OP, it’s just moderation being quirky.

            1. CAA*

              It would be helpful if the commenting system could tell you that your post is in moderation and will appear after it’s approved. I have seen several systems that do that. I don’t know if it’s something Alison could have implemented here, but I think it would help people understand what’s happening.

              1. Ask a Manager* Post author

                For some reason it will only do that if you’ve entered an email address in the email field. No idea why or how to fix that, but you can enter even a fake email address there and that’ll fix it at the individual level.

                1. Test*

                  Thanks, Alison! I’m the poster with the name First Vacation above and it did show up eventually. So far, I don’t see any duplicate posts. Sorry in advance if duplicate First Vacation posts appear.

    3. Loopy*

      I think my posts my be having issues as well. I’m just replying as normal but not seeing anything appear when the page reloads. I will check back to see if they appear. If 6-8 replies got eaten though I will have wasted me time so maybe not the best advice, ha.

  18. Teatime is Goodtime*

    Hello Everyone!
    Longtime lurker here hoping to tap into the collective wisdom of the community.
    I am considering starting a blog with short, regular posts. I know many of you have blogs and the like, so I was hoping to ask for your opinions and advice on any or all of the following:
    – What platform do you use and are you happy with it? Any opinions about what I should pick?
    – How do you stay on top of posting regularly?
    – How do you interact with your readers? (And, if you feel like sharing, how big is your readership?)
    – What was your motivation for starting a blog? Have you fulfilled your goals?
    – Any other advice or things you want to share?
    Thank you so much in advance.

    1. Ange*

      I use WordPress (paid because I have my own domain). I’m pretty happy with it – it’s good if you don’t have any HTML skills.

      I have some posts that are on a regular basis (weekly/monthly) which I try to always stick to – what helps me there is to start the next one as soon as I finish the current one. Also, for some of them I can write them in advance and schedule them: that can give a little breathing space.

      I don’t have a lot of readers – partly I haven’t been doing this that long, and partly I don’t really make any effort to advertise. Also I guess my blog is not really themed, which doesn’t help.

      I mostly started mine to make me do more writing, and it’s definitely helped with that, so I’d call it a success.

    3. Louise*

      I use Blogger, which I think is a little less sophisticated than WordPress but I’m familiar with it and it’s free. I’ve also used WordPress and they are both decent platforms with fairly short learning curves. My blog is about my quilting, and I post when I finish a piece. My husband has a travel blog, and he posts every time he goes to a new place. I’m not sure how many readers I have; maybe 200? The quilting community is very chatty and interactive so I get about 15-20 comments on each post. I reply to each comment directly via email, unless they are a “no-reply” commenter, in which case I reply inline in the commenting section. I also make a point of visiting the blogs of my regular commenters, and leaving supportive comments there. (By contrast, my husband’s blog has twice as many readers, but almost no comments.) My initial motivation was to document my pieces with photos and descriptions, since I make charity and gift quilts and give them away. But after a few years, I’m more motivated by the community building aspect of interacting with my readers, so I try to post little tutorials and other helpful hints and tips. I can honestly say that my blog has deepened my commitment to my craft, and gotten me involved in some really rewarding charity projects. My online quilty friends are a fun and super supportive group. Best of luck in your blogging journey!

    4. Lilysparrow*

      I use WordPress for my own blogs and have used it for clients. I find it very straightforward, plus you can make it do nearly anything you can think of by adding free plugins.

      I do not stay on top of posting regularly for myself (see above: clients) and therefore my readership is fairly small.

      For my author blog that I use to drive book sales, I haven’t checked blog visitors in a while but I have about 2K readers on my email newsletter.

      I also have a niche topic blog linked to a YouTube channel that I am optimizing for ad revenue. I stupidly started it right before the holidays + flu season, so content and readership are teeny tiny.

      My motivation for both is financial. For the author blog, it’s indirect by cultivating a sense of relationship in my readers and giving potential book-buyers a feel for what to expect. I do see a bump in sales every time I publish.

      For the niche blog, it’s a topic I’m personally interested in and believe can be monetized.

      I have not fulfilled my goals with either one, but I am seeing reasonable results in proportion to the effort I’m putting in.

      The most important thing, I think, is to remember that writing stuff that’s worth reading is time-consuming. It has to be, because it requires clear, deep thinking about the point you’re making, plus the craft of getting that point across effectively.

      You will put in a significant amount of time before you see any results. Visitors can read a blog post in a tiny fraction of the time it took you to create it, and if they exhaust your content in one visit, you need to give them a reason to come back.

    5. Amerdale*

      I use wordpress (the free version) and I like it a lot. It’s very easy to configurate and has enough options for me.

      Posting regularly is sometimes a struggle. I try to write posts in advance and schedule them but sometimes I just don’t have the time and take a break from blogging (e.g. I didn’t post around Christmas last year).

      Not really that much interaction with readers – I blog reviews about books, movies and tv shows and most readers end on my blog after googling for reviews of a certain title. Most interaction is with other bloggers who talk about the same topics but that happens mostly over twitter and less directly on the blogs.

      My motivation was mostly to just have a space where I can easily write down my thoughts to the books I read (shows and movies came later), more or less like a digital journal.

    6. The Brazilian Hobbit*

      – I’m using free WordPress and considering going paid soon. Very happy with it;
      – I post on the weekends, and set up the themes for my posts in advance. Mine is a varied blog, so I don’t worry about fitting into a niche, that happens;
      – I always do my best to reply to comments, and always reply when someone hits up my contact page;
      – My motivation was part boredom part wanting to improve my English writing – it’s been a fun experience and I’ve met some really nice people during my time blogging;
      – I’d say always be interactive – your readership will be a great source of encouragement if you let them.

      Happy blogging!

    7. WoodswomanWrites formerly Woodswoman*

      As others have shared, I use WordPress for my blog. (It’s the same name as my handle if you want to see how it looks.) I had zero technical skills in setting it up and it’s really easy to use. I picked one of WordPress’s free themes and I’ve been using it since I started my blog years ago. Also, WordPress has a simple system for people to comment and follow your blog, and it’s easy to moderate comments. It’s also outstanding at filtering out spam comments.

      I posted regularly for a long time, because I enjoyed it, and then I took a hiatus for nearly a year with life going on. It was temporary, and I’m adding a new post this weekend. I’ve got a backlog of posts in my head, and now I’m getting excited about posting those.

      I interact with my readers when they comment. I don’t actively solicit a response and it’s no big deal if no one comments.

      My original goal was to share my nature photography from my travels because family and friends were asking me to share photos. I’m not on Facebook, so this seemed like a good way to stay connected. And to me, having a passion for the written word my entire life, I couldn’t just share photos without the accompanying stories. Over time, my blog evolved into an outlet for other writing beyond my travels.

      I figured no one would be interested in my blog who didn’t know me, and to my surprise over time I now have a bunch of followers who’ve found me on their own. I’ve never done any promotion and I have about 120 followers. I’m soon going to start linking my blog on Instagram, which I joined specifically to share more of my nature photography than can fit on my blog. Perhaps that will get me more blog followers, but that’s not my intention.

      My advice is to be clear about what your intention is for starting a blog. Is it for fun? For promoting a point of view? Finding like-minded people? Professional connections? Whatever you decide, I suggest you find a way to approach it that doesn’t make it feel like a chore.

      Hope that helps, and good luck!

    8. zaracat*

      I’ve used WordPress for multiple different blogs:
      (1) art/craft/historic research projects – this was originally a yahoo blog, but that didn’t have the features I wanted so I switched to WordPress and have been very happy with it. WP made it much easier to create tabbed pages with downloadable files of project documentation and notes from classes I taught (also, vast improvement over providing paper notes which always ended up being wasted by printing too many or people losing them). WordPress isn’t great for hosting large numbers of photos as there was no good way of organising them so I hosted them on Flickr, organised into albums, and provided a link from the WordPress site. This site was hugely popular but I have since taken it down after being bullied out of the group which was the original reason for creating the site – basically F.U. you don’t deserve this free stuff which is based on skills I’ve put huge amounts of time and money into learning, after the way you’ve treated me. I’m planning to eventually do a v2 of this site, personalised to my needs and stripped of the original context of the group.
      (2) one which was a place to write about contentious social issues without having to deal with trolling – comments were permanently disabled so I could write out my arguments, provide links to supporting information, and if people wanted to argue they could do it in their own space where I didn’t have to see it or deal with it. Way better than putting it out on FB or similar. Very few followers but did get a few things reposted by respectable people eg a post series discussing 1984 after I attended a series of festival events centred around the novel got reposted by a sociology professor
      (3) mental health blog, dealing with trauma including sexual assault – I’d found it immensely helpful myself to read about other people’s stories, and also to follow how things evolved over time – it’s a very different perspective from the tiny slice provided by a single article, or the “finished story” in a book. So I decided to start my own, and as I followed similar blogs and got my own followers it’s become a de fact support group. I write in quite a lot of detail, and it’s proved very useful to read back over my own stuff and see improvement, patterns etc. Because I have a health care background myself and like to have an intellectual understanding of things, similar to blog (1) I have fixed pages on the site (where I have book reviews, links to useful articles and other websites, support groups). This one is written under a pseudonym because of privacy concerns, and there is also content which is password protected – I only give out the password to people who I’ve interacted with enough to get a sense of who they are and why they’re interested in the blog content. Every now and again I’ll get a bit paranoid about vaguely creepy people following the blog and set the blog to private.

      I’ve never had a set schedule for posting – with blog (1) it was project-driven, blog (2) was whenever I felt the need to rant, and blog (3) has ended up being mostly around 2-3 posts per week mainly because I just love writing. I know other people deal with the issue of providing regular content in the face of varying enthusiasm is to have a reserve of content and schedule the posts to publish at fixed intervals.

      One thing I really like about WP is the ability to easily control access to content and commenting. I do also use Weebly for my business site, but it’s not really as well set up for blogging.

  19. Valancy Snaith*

    My mom has had severe abdominal pain since January, and tests have showed an unidentified mass on her liver and one on her lung. They are very carefully not saying cancer just yet, as they are sending the material off for testing, but she’s starting chemo on Monday regardless and hopefully it gives her some relief. She can’t walk or even sit up without being in pain, and the drugs are only just barely keeping the edge off. I’m worried and far away and can’t do much of anything. Did I mention my dad also has cancer and gets biweekly chemo as well? At least his is under control, but I am so helpless and far away that it’s killing me.

    1. Asenath*

      It is very hard being far away when your relatives are going through such situations. I think maybe you just have to do what you can and accept that you can’t do everything. If there is someone living near your parents you can liaise with, that can help you feel that you are making a contribution. I’m sure you’re in contact with your parents anyway, but what helped me enormously when I was going through cancer was that one of my sisters – they both live very far away and have lives and responsibilities that make it difficult to travel – decided on her own to call me every week at about the same time instead of waiting for updates. We didn’t always talk about my illness or her husband’s illness. A lot of the time, we chatted about normal things – work, hobbies (especially ones we share, like genealogy), our pets, books or shows we liked or didn’t like. That sort of contact was really helpful to me because it was normal life, and I wouldn’t have thought of asking for her to take the time to make the calls. I also told more people than I had initially planned to about my diagnosis and treatment, and their combination of enquiries about how things were going – and treatment of me as “normal” the rest of the time helped me. I was reminded of a good friend of mine whose cancer eventually killed her, who responded to urgings to use a wheelchair right after her diagnosis, when she thought she didn’t need it, with “I’m not dead yet”. Giving support that they want and need to sick people while remembering that they’re still the people they were and not their disease can be unbelievably helpful, and you don’t need to be there to do it. And you can get support for yourself that way too. Many people know what it’s like to be helpless and far away from sick relatives.

      1. Valancy Snaith*

        I’ve been in touch with my mom daily, whether on the phone or Facetime, and I try to chit chat with her about everything. It’s difficult, because she’s either in too much pain or too exhausted to really carry on much of a conversation, so I’m really just chattering on mostly to myself, but I wish there was something more I could do.

    3. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      Sending you a virtual hug. Is there someone locally going with her as a guide/support (take notes during visits, ask questions, remember details that your mom might be too overwhelmed to get the first time?). I know with my husband, he was not able to “drink from the fire hose” of information and so we always had someone (myself, stepdaughter) go to the major appointments to ensure he had support. If he glazed over, got overwhelmed, we’d slow the pace down. (He’d nod understanding just to not appear stupid, and then have not a clue what the doctor said later when asked).
      And lots more calls… facetime is good. Or set her up with Skype, so you can “see” how she is doing. (even my mom at 89 uses skype, nephew set it up for her).

      1. Valancy Snaith*

        My dad is well enough to be doing most of the legwork regarding insurance, doctors’ offices, etc., and he’s already very familiar with the oncologist, so he really has a leg up. Mostly I’ve just been calling or Facetiming every day just to check in, but it’s difficult when my mom is in too much pain or too exhausted to talk. Mostly just chatting and trying to check in daily.

    4. Not A Manager*

      You might think about collecting small things that your parents would enjoy, and sending them regularly. It could be a cute card, a photo of you and your pets, or a cute mug and some nice tea. My sister used to do that when my family was having a hard time, and we all appreciated getting actual items in the actual post.

      1. Valancy Snaith*

        I really like this idea, thank you. Some mail would definitely lift my mom’s spirits, I think.

      2. WoodswomanWrites formerly Woodswoman*

        I second this idea. When a relative had cancer, pre smartphone, she was too exhausted to talk on the phone. But she appreciated getting things in the mail. Sorry to hear about this and wishing healing for both of your parents.

  20. Part-Time Grinch*

    How do you guys feel about a mandatory shoes off policy for guests to your house? If you were a guest would you rather keep your shoes on or walk around sock footed? I ask because on roommate says she is uncomfortable with guys she doesn’t know well seeing her cocky feet. To her it is sort of like being in her underwear. Is this normal or part of her general anxiety?

    1. Navajo Rug*

      I appreciate a homeowners reason for no shoes in the house, or at least on the carpet… I hate walking around with freezing cold feet. I have adopted a friends trick of keeping a basket of clean socks for the guests next to where you take off your shoes. And there is another basket for you to put your used socks when done. I noticed people are far less hesitant to go shoeless when they can slip into something comfy, and clean!

    2. Aly_b*

      This is such a cultural thing. I’m from Canada, where I’d never been in a shoes on indoors household. It never even occurred to me that was a thing. Getting used to asking in the states was tough, and I can never feel comfortable keeping shoes on indoors. The opposite of your roomie but what I’m used to! I do know some people who keep guest slippers by the door in shoes off households so that those who would prefer not to just be in socks have an alternative.

      1. Valancy Snaith*

        Same. I don’t recall ever being to someone’s home where shoes were kept on. My boots are such a nightmare of slush and salt right now that I wouldn’t dare step out of the entryway with them on.

      2. Lissa*

        Yes, people get weirdly heated about this on both sides but it’s so cultural/regional. I’m a fellow Canadian and very used to the shoe pile when people come over! I didn’t realize for quite some time that Americans tend to keep them on. I don’t personally care one way or the other but I wish people would realize other people aren’t trying to be jerks.

        One thing I find absolutely fascinating though is every time this conversation comes up people from shoes-on places bring up how they HAVE to have shoes on for health reasons related to orthopedic issues. But surely that must also happen in shoes-off cultures too! I can’t imagine anybody who isn’t a jerk not being fine with “I gotta keep ’em on because of a bone issue” or whatnot. It’s weird though that I’ve never actually met in real life someone with this condition so I can’t say for sure.

    3. Nicole*

      I am very against shoes in the house, but I always inform new guests ahead of time so they can plan accordingly. My feet are always cold, so I bring slippers when visiting others in case they too have a no shoes policy. Maybe she can sweat slippers? I have a pair that almost look like boots.

      1. ..Kat..*

        I would love to know about a “no shoes” policy beforehand. I have a pair of shoes that I only wear in the house – like most people use slippers. I need these shoes for the support – otherwise I have severe foot pain. If you do not want me to wear these in-home-only shoes, I would like to know before I spend the time and effort to visit you. Because I will not be able to stay. So, please let people know in advance.

        For the Canadians and Scandinavians where this is common, do people in your countries just never have foot issues that need support?

        1. AcademiaNut*

          If the default is shoes off, then people know they should bring their house shoes with them if they’re visiting someone. This would only be a problem where the rules are variable, or mostly shoes on.

        2. Valancy Snaith*

          Everywhere is shoes off so if someone needs support they know what to do, whether it’s bring shoe covers or slippers or whatever. It’s not an issue because shoes off is the absolute standard. Someone who insisted on leaving their shoes on would be very much seen as rude and an outlier. To get into my house I have to either come through the garage (dirty, slushy) or the front door and the walk (ice, snow, salt) so no matter what, shoes coming into my house are going to be nasty. That is the absolute norm here.

        3. Curly Sue*

          Canadian with orthotics here – we have separate sets of indoor and outdoor shoes (They’re on the required list for school supplies for the kids as well – no snowy / salty boots allowed in classrooms or the gym floor.) I’m not at the point yet where I need the orthotics indoors, but my mother has a separate set of runners for indoors that she’ll bring with her.

          We’re all pretty much used to bringing shoes with us, though – it’s absolutely standard for fancy parties. You can get nice shoe bags for that, and my oldest made shoe bags for her sewing badge in Guides. It’s just the regional norm.

    4. Need a Beach*

      It’s your house, but it would be nice to be sensitive to peoples’ needs. Anyone with orthotics or foot pain that requires special shoes would be uncomfortable without them. Also, if you have pets or kids, keep their sharp toys up off the floor.

      We compromised by making the first floor all hardwood for ease of cleaning. Guests have no reason to go upstairs on the rugs.

      1. Pam*

        Yep, I wear custom shoes, which are difficult to put on/take off due to a bone disease in my feet. I even wear them to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

      2. Liz in a Library*

        Yep, thanks for thinking of this. Walking barefoot for even a short time can mean hours of pain for me later.

      3. WoodswomanWrites formerly Woodswoman*

        Another person here who wears shoes indoors because of a foot condition. And that’s after many years of having a shoes-off household.

        I also think it’s important to consider that if you have pets, some people may be allergic to them and it’s no fun to bring animal hair home with you on your socks. Plus I easily get cold feet. As others have suggested, I like the slippers idea. I either bring my own or borrow those that people offer for guests. That has worked well.

      1. Louise*

        Seconding this. I simply can’t walk without shoes on because of my chronic plantar fasciitis. I carry those shoe covers like they use in operating rooms to put over my shoes, but hate using them. Nothing like being the only person at a party with giant blue balloon shaped shoe covers on. If that’s my only choice, generally I’ll just stay home!

      2. Not So NewReader*

        Yep. The doc says I have to have shoes on my feet at all times. No bare feet, no sock feet. I would probably feel very bad about the whole thing, but I’d have to leave. People can do as they wish. And I have to do what I have to do.
        I just wish people would tell me before I drive all the way over. I am trying to remember to ask more often.

        1. Rovannen*

          I also have to wear shoes at all times. I’m considering purchasing washable shoe covers found on Amazon. I want to use them in my own house and keep a pair for other houses.

        2. Blackcat*

          How would you feel about being told to wipe down your shoes?

          I live in an area with a lot of lead in the soil, and I regularly have friends with toddlers/babies over, who get their hands all over the floor. I view the no-shoe rule as partly a reduce-lead exposure rule. I’d be totally fine if someone agreed to run a wet rag over the bottom of their shoes.

          1. Liz in a Library*

            I think this is a good solution. I also always have to wear shoes, and I’d be fine with wiping them at the door.

          2. Not So NewReader*

            I’d be fine with wiping my shoes, no prob. And I would be grateful for the solution. Depending on how my back is doing I might need to sit on a chair or bench to wipe my shoes, though. I live in a rural/farming area, it’s pretty common for folks to have something to sit on by the door. They also are dealing with boots and muddy shoes.

            1. Blackcat*

              Thanks for replying! I do have a bench right by the door–don’t most people have a chair or bench by the door if they are shoe-free houses? That’s always been my experience…

          3. WoodswomanWrites formerly Woodswoman*

            That seems like a reasonable request, and I’d be happy to wipe off the bottom of my shoes.

      3. Annette*

        Instead of leaving – why not simply explain the situation? No need to assume the worst in others.

        1. Louise*

          I usually do ask, and often am given the answer that of course I can leave my shoes on. But at least twice I was told I couldn’t enter, even with the shoe covers on. WTF?? After a few humiliations like that, it can be easier for an introvert to just go home.

          1. Louise*

            To be fair, these were open house sort of situations, not visiting friends. But still, it’s not fun to have one’s hidden handicap revealed and reviled :(

            1. valentine*

              I’ve never heard of a need for shoes 24/7. Perhaps the agents or homeowners haven’t either. You could tweet the agency or some sort of realty body so they can change their practice.

        2. Not So NewReader*

          Sorry, I could have used a few more words. I meant if the person is adamant and there does not seem to be any alternative solution then my only choice would be to go home. I won’t just walk in anyway, I mean, it’s their house. Some one suggested wiping my shoes which I would be happy to use that solution.

    6. Anoncorporate*

      You definitely have a right to require it, but you might want to consider if it’s worth making an exception for guests. I’m a no shoes off person generally for cleanliness reasons, but if guests come and they want to keep their shoes on (especially if it’s cold), I just let them keep it on. However, if you have carpet or something that would be an absolute pain to clean, you can definitely require people take their shoes off.

    7. The Gollux (Not a Mere Device)*

      I think that at minimum you should warn people ahead of time if that’s your policy, because it will be a problem for some people. My reasonable options are to dry my shoes off when I get to your house; bring a pair of sandals that I never wear outdoors (which means I’m not bringing dirt or mud in); or decline the invitation. So, I need to know whether to bring my indoor shoes. And if “no shoes in the house” is absolute, I’d like to know before I get there–missing a party isn’t fun, but traveling in the cold to miss a party and go right back out in the cold would be worse.

      In my experience, if the hosts’ shoes or boots are visible and they aren’t wearing shoes, most people who can go barefoot in the house will follow that lead.

      1. Lissa*

        I would say warn either way if you’re out of sync with the norms in your area. Where I’m from (Canada!) people don’t keep their shoes on inside, so warning would come off weirdly. I’m sure there are Canadians out there with foot problems that mean they need to keep them on, so I think because it’s out of sync with norms they would probably be the one to bring it up – but I don’t know because I haven’t ever seen this problem except online when shoes-on/off conversations come up. ;)
        I can’t imagine saying anything if a guest didn’t take them off, though. I’d honestly probably figure there was a reason because it’s just so uncommon here!

    8. Jemima Bond*

      If someone wanted me to take me shoes off visiting their house, I would. Their place, their rules. Also I spent a short time in Russia, and like the Canadians as mentioned ipthread, visitors always take off shoes (it’s a wet/muddy/snowy boot thing) and the Russians always have spare slippers. If casual visiting I’d probably take them off anyway for comfort but if it was a party and I had pretty heels on I’d leave them on unless asked.
      As a side question, what does “cocky” mean in terms of feet? To me it means over-confident, mouthy. But not for feet clearly – I’m guessing misshapen with bunions etc, or maybe sort of crusty/calloused?

    9. Maya Elena*

      If you don’t like shoes in the house and no carpets, consider stocking slippers in multiple sizes.

      1. Bigfeetz*

        I think the multiple sizes is extremely important. My in-laws insist on wearing slippers in the house, I am a no-shoes indoors Canadian, so honestly I hate wearing shoes indoors, and loathe slippers if they don’t fit properly. It’s also gross sharing unwashable slippers with people who use them barefooted.

        Add insult to injury, most of the out-law family has tiny feet, the largest is about size 8 men’s, most are closer to 5-6. I have size 10-11 mens feet. Yet they still insisted I wear their size 8 slippers and took personal affront complete with temper tantrums when I didn’t… 25 years later, they still haven’t bought slippers that actually fit me, and actually threw out a pair that I bought specifically for their house that do fit after I left them there one visit, because “they were ugly and too big”. I have never felt more like Cinderella’s stepsister than I did at that moment.

        I no longer go over to visit for many, many reasons.

    10. Aphrodite*

      My home has a “no shoes’ policy. And it’s strict. The reason is that while most of us wouldn’t think about walking barefoot on public streets or sidewalks I think that wearing the same shoes on those streets and sidewalks and then inside transfers whatever they picked up. And to me that is really, really gross.

      However, for people like your roommate who feel strongly about their shoes I keep disposable shoe covers ( https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01CRLCSOK/ref=s9_acsd_top_hd_bw_bQcDjn_c_x_1_w?pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_s=merchandised-search-3&pf_rd_r=34QTQ2EHEA7MC7FNTVNY&pf_rd_t=101&pf_rd_p=e3f3ea2c-10e5-5141-9980-906490df4d60&pf_rd_i=393294011 ). We can both be happy.

      1. Courageous cat*

        Man, what a way to feel self-conscious at a guest’s home – either wear no shoes at all, or have to wear this terribly ugly scrub-like covering on them. If I had planned my outfit with any degree of intention, this would kill me.

        I get your reasoning and respect that you can do whatever you want in your home, but my reasoning for letting guests leave them on still always comes back down to “stop being a germaphobe”. There’s literally human shit on everything y’all touch already. No one’s gonna die from bringing in the outside world (which is already coming in on your clothes and in the air and everything else) in.

        1. Valancy Snaith*

          For almost everyone I’ve ever met, it’s not about germs, it’s about the actual dirt coming into your house. Living in a climate that’s slushy, snowy, muddy, and just generally dirty for 6-7 months of the year will take a toll on your floors, no matter how much you wipe your shoes at the door.

    11. Shrunken Hippo*

      I know a few people who have guest slippers. They just bought some cotton ones that can be thrown in the laundry after they’re used. They don’t take up a lot of space, are easy to clean, comfy to wear, and makes indoor shoe wearing people feel a bit better.

    12. HannahS*

      That’s kind of a two-part question. I’m a 100% let me take these uncomfortable things off the moment I get in. I know people with foot issues who need to wear shoes indoors, but they generally have indoor shoes that are clean that they’ll bring into other people’s homes.

      As for your friend’s particular objection–it’s unusual, and not one I’ve heard before despite being in and having friends in communities where dressing modestly is a thing. But I, personally, am uncomfortable walking around in bare (not sock-ed) feet because I’m a permanently-cold person living in a cold place and I literally only have my socks off when I’m in bed, so when I very occasionally wear sandals in summer, I feel oddly vulnerable, like parts of my clothes are missing. So I maybe see where she’s coming from? But I don’t think anybody’s sexualizing my feet, and I don’t feel differently around men and women when I don’t have socks on.

      I wonder if your friend has “thing” for feet? It’s really common–I don’t mean it as a weird accusation. There’s a theory that says, since feet and genitals are next to each other on the sensory part of your brain, sometimes your brain basically takes feet and goes, “Ah yes, these, the other genitals.” I’m not saying this is something you should raise with her (DEFINITELY NOT) but maybe that’s why she feels kind of in her underwear when she’s in socks.

    13. Asenath*

      I grew up with the “take off your shoes at the door” system – possibly because I grew up in an area where it was often wet, muddy, or snowing, so no one wanted all that tracked into the house. Because of that, I have no discomfort at all going around in my socks or even my bare feet (although I know people who always have those folding slippers with them so they can put them on when visiting). I did discover much later when I knew more people from different areas that not everyone is comfortable with either the idea of asking all their guests to take their shoes off, or going barefoot or in stocking feet. I’m not sure how you and your roommate can compromise on this – maybe insist on slippers?

    14. Lilysparrow*

      I think not wanting to go around barefoot in front of company is well within the norms of mainstream personal preferences. It sounds to me as if you are trying to push something on her that she does not like. Anytime you press someone to give logical reasons for personal preferences, it’s going to wind up sounding wierd. But that’s only because you’re overanalyzing something that just isn’t that complicated.

      I think the people who live in a house get equal say in house rules, unless they are merely boarders or short-term tenants.

      If your roommate is otherwise a good one, pays on time, is quiet, clean and considerate, and so forth, then drop it.

      Making someone feel defensive or losing a good roommate over an arbitrary rule is infinitely more irrational than wanting to keep your feet covered.

      1. Lilysparrow*

        TLdr: Your roommate isn’t a guest. She gets to wear shoes in her own home if she wants to.

        1. Chocolate Teapot*

          I once went to somebody’s house and was told that I could keep my shoes on. Fair enough, but then another time I was told I had to remove my shoes. I said they would have to give me some slippers, which they did.

          Some other people arrived, and they were not asked to remove their shoes, which seemed a bit off to me.

    15. Hitori*

      Shoes off in the house is great IF there is somewhere to sit down right at the door. Some of us have trouble with balance, and being able to sit down to take your shoes off makes a huge difference.

    16. Paquita*

      I have a former professor who became a friend. His wife is Chinese. They have a no shoes policy. However, when DH and I have been to their house a few time, we were told please leave your shoes on. We usually removed them unless it was a quick visit. I think it was mostly just there own preference but not strictly enforced for visitors. I just always liked to conform to the house ‘rule’ to be polite.

    17. Jane*

      I always take off my shoes in my house, but I make it optional for guests. Not that I have a lot of guests, but when I do, it’s up to them. I take them off to prevent tracking dirt into my house, but I have guests infrequently enough that I can just clean up after they leave if needed and it isn’t going to make a big different in dirt in my house.

      I personally hate wearing shoes at all and am happy to take off my shoes anywhere and everywhere, but my mom is one of those people for whom shoes is a medical necessity so I get it that some people feel differently.

      1. Autumnheart*

        I have a similar policy. Shoes off for me. If a guest asks what I prefer, I’ll say something like, “I always take mine off, but you’re welcome to keep shoes on if you like”. I live in the North where there is frequently sloppy weather that leads to tracking, so it’s normal for people to take shoes off, but even shoe-wearers will typically be conscientious about not tracking crud in.

    18. AcademiaNut*

      I live in East Asia, so keeping shoes on in the house tends to make me uncomfortable (even repair people fixing stuff insist on taking their shoes off!). The key here, though, is that the hosts provide slippers so you aren’t walking around in your in your socks (unless you move onto tatami mat, which are socks only) and there are often separate slippers in the bathroom.

      Before that I lived in various parts of Canada, which were shoes off unless explicitly told otherwise – no one wanted dirty slush tracked across their carpets.

    19. Justme, The OG*

      I hate no-shoes policies but will abide by them if I am a guest in a house that has one. Your rommie’s quirk seems especially quirky to me.

    20. Courageous cat*

      It’s so, so regional. But I’m in the south and am a HEAVY advocate for letting guests keep their shoes on. I also tend to keep my shoes on in the house unless I’m in for the night. My arguments are:

      A: stop being a germaphobe
      B: shoes are part of an outfit, so this is especially egregious to me when I’m really intentionally dressed, like for a party, and
      C: yeah, having your feet out there (especially if unexpected) can feel kind of intimate, which is weird if you’re not around people you’re close with.

      Again though, this is heavily regional and seems to be a touchy subject for many, so there’s not going to be one right answer.

    21. KayEss*

      I grew up in a home culture of shoes-off indoors, but a “no shoes, ever” policy for guests still seems deeply weird to me. When I have guests over, I make sure to tell them that they can keep their shoes on if they prefer (unless they know their shoes are muddy/wet/etc.) because I will take mine off out of habit or they’ll see the pile of shoes by the door and wonder.

      I do kind of get the roommate’s position, though… there are situations that I wouldn’t want to have my shoes off in, or people I wouldn’t want to be without them in front of, because I would feel less put together. Like if I’m all dressed up and wearing my nice shoes I’ve probably got on a pair of those very shallow, thin socks designed to not be visible with most flats or pumps… and I don’t want to be seen walking around in just those, they’re ugly and fall off really easily.

    22. Roja*

      My husband and I are a mixed shoes on/shoes off household anyway, so our guests can do whatever they want. I do ask people to take off/clean their shoes if they’re muddy or really nasty, but that’s pretty rare. We live in an area with a lot of snow and salt/rain and mud, and I haven’t noticed anything on the floors. We do have anti-slip rugs so I think that takes off a lot of gunk.

      It’s really, really important to me as a host that my guests are comfortable. If they want to take off their shoes, they should! If they don’t, they shouldn’t! I’d HATE to know that my guests weren’t coming over or were here and unhappy because of a rule I’d put in place that wasn’t 100% necessary.

    23. Adminx2*

      I keep it optional. Which makes me cringe sometimes as they walk on the carpet with the messy shoes…but people feeling relaxed is more worth it to me.
      I prefer to keep them on because I tend to be cold and I don’t want to fish for them on the way out.

  21. The Curator*

    W thing today and tomorrow. Slept 9 hours last night. I am ready. Last big push for the big project. Taking care of myself and crew. Trader Joe’s for snacks and lunch. We can do this. Link in next post.

    2. The Curator*

      I guess what I wanted to say really was although this seems like a W post it is not. It is my reminder of the W/life balance. This is my life. This is my joy. Yesterday was my birthday. Growing up in a dysfunctional household, birthdays were not a celebration. They were violent, distressful days to keep your head down and get through it. I have no joyous memories of childhood. My birthday is a trigger. Yet, yesterday was a Good Day. We were crazy busy but seeing the fruits of our labors. I was surrounded by women and men who I trust and respect. Who model good sane relationships. They surprised me in a good way with snacks and a song. I realized that I am building good memories.
      And today- meeting friends for an early morning coffee.7:30 am my time. W. think at 10:00, a sane hour. Going to Trader Joes- some people like Disney World, I like Trader Joes.
      Today I feel confident and ready to face the day. What more can a newly minted 59-year-old ask for?

        1. Marthooh*

          (chimes in with a burst of hemidemisemiquavers)
          Happy day after your birthday to you!
          Happy Trader Joes day, dear the Curator,
          Happy new memories to you!
          (throws handfuls of internet confetti into the air)
          *.:; :*..:, ”*:;.. .’*’..; ::’*.

      2. Jean (just Jean)*

        May I steal your last line for birthday cards? It’s perfect!! –especially so because it can be adapted for any age.
        How do you want to be credited?

          1. Jean (just Jean)*

            >Today I feel confident and ready to face the day. What more can a newly minted 59-year-old ask for? [insert age of your choice]

            Thank you. I’ll probably credit with the current URL for AAM. Let the thievery begin!!

      1. The Curator*

        W. also know as “the thing that shall not be named” AKA the thing most people with jobs are doing Monday through Friday. On AAM “the thing that shall not be named” is not mentioned in posting because weekend thread is a “work free” zone. No school, no work. I find this helpful as a reminder that a healthy life has balance.

      2. Ask a Manager* Post author

        Work. It’s okay to say the word here, y’all; no need for the subterfuge. (In fact, I wish it would stop because it confuses other readers, as seen here.)

        1. The Curator*

          Work it is. I didn’t know where I got the idea that using “work” in a post causes it to be deleted.
          Sorry for being confusing.

        2. Someone Else*

          Alison, you have a FAQ that I’m missing? If not, have you considered one? Not the posting rules, but just the stuff that comes up all the time (although maybe this one could be added to the rules not to do that), people asking you to review their individual resumes, putting an email in if you want to be warned that your post went to moderation, other stuff…
          If there already is a FAQ maybe make it more prominent/as prominent as the rules page? I looked but didn’t see one. Thanks.

          1. Iron Chef Boyardee*

            I second the FAQ. A glossary would also be helpful. Some terms and abbreviations may be super obvious to most, but not everyone has had the same level of “w”– er, I mean, work experience. I, for example, am a college dropout with the bulk of my history (30+ years) being clerical/administrative support.

            1. The Curator*

              What if on the Friday thread we ask the commentariot to crowd source a FAQ and then you can link to that thread.
              Why Fergus?
              What are Hannukah Balls?
              Whats with the Tea Pot factory references?
              Why do we enjoy Game of Thrones so much?

              1. Iron Chef Boyardee*

                That’s a good idea. Perhaps submissions can be made via a wiki accessible only through this site (can that be done?), and Alison can vet the submissions, edit those that meet her approval so the finished entries all have “her” voice, and cut-and-paste those to an “official” AAM glossary.

                And it wouldn’t just be “fun” stuff like teapots, but serious things too. For example, it took me a while to figure out that “C-suite” refers to top-level executives. And I’m still not sure if “grandboss” refers to the person at the very top, Chief Executive Officer/Chairman of the Board, or just your boss’ boss (who might have people above him), or even if something like that would depend on the size and structure of the company.

                Please keep in mind that even if something is common knowledge to virtually everyone, that means there are still people who don’t know what it means, and I’m sure you don’t want to exclude anyone.

        3. Courageous cat*

          Yeah, this “thing that shall not be named” stuff has honestly gotten a bit ridiculous. Surely we’re all capable of understanding the nuances of the rule rather than following it to the absolute T.

  22. Loopy*

    A very quick but very grateful thank you to those with staying healthy tips in last week’s thread. It ended up being a craaaazy weekend and I couldn’t get back to comment but many of them were new to me! What a great resource to bookmark- literally forever.

    Unfortunately I need to be selfish and ask advice from the knowledgable people here AGAIN. For those who understand dresses/tulle fabric/alterations (apologies this is long and cross posted in one other place- is that okay? Are there rules against that?):

    So last night I went for my 7:30 fitting. The alterations guy (who I am obsessed with and think is amazing) said he had just left one minor seam to finish because he really felt he wanted to see the dress on me to be 150% sure before he closed it up. I’ve had excellent experience with him and trust him so I was fine with him being cautious. He also wanted to remove just a tiny bit of extra/long tulle in the front after seeing me in it.

    All minor adjustments and the dress looked great. He said he could finish it up in 30 minutes, put me back in it, and then steam it. Longer than we expected but fine.

    Well.

    My future mother in law is an amazing, lovely woman but when she gets hungry she can be more vocal about it than she probably realizes. She’ll repeat how hungry she is. She was with me to make sure she knows how to bustle the dress since no one on my side is local. I appreciated it and generally adore her.

    It was taking a little longer than usual and she is saying how hungry she is to me several times (within earshot of the alterations guy working) and the guy comes out and apologizes and says we can go and he can finish up and steam it or we can wait and 20 minutes. But I know he heard my FMIL and I’m tired and getting annoyed and afraid he will subconsciously maybe rush it if we stay and wait.

    So I say, okay I’ll come back. He says I can just pick it up if I want since it fit great and the finishing up touches were very minor.

    Here’s the dilemma:

    He’ll steam it so do I just take the dress straight home to keep it perfectly steamed or do I try it on again for peace of mind when I pick up and lose that final steamed perfection by taking it out, putting it on and then putting it back in the bag? I’m two weeks out and anxiety brain says I need to try it on when I pick up since he did do some work with cutting a bit of tulle and sewing up something. Rational brain says the work was minor and I shouldn’t risk fussing with it so much once it’s steamed.

    Help! I’m so anxious about whether I try on or not when I pick it up again. Steaming takes a solid 20 minutes so I don’t know if they’d do it again after a quick try on (it might be understandably unnecessary, I don’t know). Does anyone have experience or knowledge that’ll help me decide one way or the other?

    1. Bibliovore*

      There is no perfect but. Try it on. one less thing to obsess about. You trust the guy. tell him your anxiety. they may be able to just steam one part instead of the whole shebang.

    2. Victoria, Please*

      (Not a fabric expert) Will it matter much? If the steaming is so fragile that the moment you put the dress on, it won’t be perfect, that is going to happen no matter what. Can you get a little steamer to use in the ready room for any small ripples?

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Ask him what he thinks.
      I do some sewing. I am not great at it. But I have nailed something perfectly, I do know it. Likewise with him, he will probably know if he has nailed it perfectly.
      I would frame it as, “So what is your standard operating procedure here? Do I try it? Do you have to steam it again? I don’t want to make unnecessary work for you.”

    4. Lcsa99*

      Well just think about it, if you DON’T try it on and it sits in a bag for two weeks, do you really think it won’t need to be steamed again anyway? I would try it on and let your FMIL practice strapping you in and bustling at the same time so you can just stop obsessing about it. You have so much to think about besides this.

    5. Dr. Anonymous*

      Try it on so you can quit thinking about it. Put it carefully back in the bag. No one who sees you in the dress later will have thoughts about the steaming. If it gets a little crushed in one place you can run a cheap home steamer over the one spot; you don’t have to re steam the entire dress because you touched it. Or it can have a wrinkle someplace and maybe somebody who’s bored can amuse themselves looking for it. But if you don’t try on the dress you’ll probably keep worrying about it, because you are a human.

    6. LilySparrow*

      Unless you plan to roll on the floor or go to the beach when you try it on, it isn’t going to make a whit of difference to the way the dress looks at your wedding. The “just steamed perfection” is not going to be there for the wedding anyway. It only looks that way while it is literally hanging on the steamer.

      It gets handled when it goes in the bag. It gets handled when you pick it up and transport it home. It gets handled when you transport it to the venue. It gets handled when you get into it. You have to walk from the dressing room to the ceremony, possibly have pictures in between, get hugged, etc.

      This handling will not ruin it. It will still look wonderful, but it will not carry some magical aura of being untouched by human hands.

      On the other hand, stressing about it is going to wear you out. So just try it on and set your mind at rest!

    7. Loopy*

      Thanks to everyone for the sane perspective! I’m definitely irrational about the dress. It’s definitely out of my comfort zone to have such a special and expensive outfit. I’m very casual and my clothes are comfy and inexpensive- so I have been paranoid I’d be careless and somehow ruin the dress the entire time I’ve had it- which is the past year.

      Frankly, I’m just not used to taking such care of a clothing item so I’m over compensating.

      1. Lcsa99*

        You’re not alone in being paranoid about your dress! I was the exact same way. I was so worried about it being in the bag so long that I took it out of the bag and hung it in a closet in the hall with the skirt spread out as much as possible (we had TINY closets) the issue with that is that out cat loved to open that closet and hang out on the clothes there so I rigged up bungee cords to pull the door closed as soon as he managed to get it open. It only closed on his head once before he gave up.

        1. valentine*

          Definitely try it on. I don’t think the bag will preserve the steam, but can you rent a steamer for the day and no one touches you once you’re dressed?

      2. Curly Sue*

        It’s totally normal to stress! One thing that can get your ‘just steamed’ look back if anything does get a little crumpled is hanging the dress in the bathroom while you’re showering on the day-of. That little extra steam exposure can often be enough to refresh it without going to the hassle of renting a steamer.

      3. CheeryO*

        My mom has an alterations business, and a lot of her customers are the same way with their formal dresses and wedding dresses. You’re not being irrational at all, just careful and thoughtful! :)

        I will say that my mom always has customers try on one final time to make sure everything is perfect. If you requested that, it wouldn’t be weird at all. It would only take a minute to touch up the steaming. Remember that he probably takes great pride in his work and wants you to be 100 percent satisfied and not anxious about the final state of your dress!

    8. Doodle*

      Not what you asked, but I’d start doing the mom-thing and carrying some snacks for your MIL whenever you go out (really, she ought to do that for herself, she’s a grown woman and knows she gets hungry!). Whatever she likes that is ok stuck in your purse (granola bars, nabs, small bag of nuts, a couple of mandarins…) LOL, I’m totally serious.

  23. Be the Change*

    I am turning 49 on Monday! A “square” birthday. For fun, I am going to write a list of 49 things I have learned. Trivial or important, all together.

    Trivial: if you’re doing a little fixit job, put both the Phillips head and flathead screwdriver in your back pocket. Important: it is a very wise thing to realize that you could be wrong.

    What would be on your list?

    1. Lena Clare*

      Ooo that’s such a good question!
      – People behave in ways that make sense to them
      – I’m not responsible for other people’s feelings (well, I mean, within reason. Just me behaving normally is ok.)
      – Don’t clean up cat pee with an ammonia-based cleaning product cos they’ll do it again ;)
      – I learnt how to do some Excel stuff straight from CRM which has made my job easier, but definitely not interesting in this thread!

      Happy birthday!

    2. London Calling*

      Trivial : Always open a yoghurt so it’s facing away from you. Especially if you are wearing a clean blouse.

      Important: telling people you love them is priceless. It was the last thing I said to my mother and we weren’t the sort of people who normally said stuff like that. It has always been a source of comfort that those were the last words she heard from me.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      trivial: Having a specialty tool on hand insures I will never need it.

      important: Long term working relationships with small companies pays off over time, such as an oil company or a professional practice.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Trivial, similarly: the best way to find something you’ve lost is to replace it.

        I once lost a book mid-read. Looked for it for a couple days, finally bought a “new” copy off the clearance rack at the used bookstore. I came home and found my missing copy square on my pillow. I lived alone in a 250 sqft apartment.

        1. London Calling*

          How do inanimate objects DO that? do they have secret powers and they aren’t inanimate at all, just pretending? because that’s the only explanation.

    4. Nerdgal*

      Trivial: rotate things (dishes, towels, clothes) by putting the clean ones at the bottom of the pile.
      Important: your notebooks should be dated and have a table of contents!

      1. Daphne*

        !!!!!!! at the table of contents – I’ve started 3 different notebooks by accident and can’t never remember which pad had which handy prompt/info!

    5. Foreign Octopus*

      Trivial: always carry chapstick on my person because I hate dry lips.

      Important: no problem is a big problem when broken down into its component parts (basically, solve tiny problem after tiny problem and then voila! The big problem is solved).

    6. Jean (just Jean)*

      Trivial: Always keep canned tomato products on hand. (Decades later, my acid reflux nixes this one. Today I’d probably recommend pasta or fresh fruits & vegetables.)
      Important: Always be kind to other people. (This was my friend’s response during our long-ago “rules to live by” conversation. I was being flippant; she, serious. Her comment was humbling and memorable.)

    8. Thursday Next*

      Trivial: you don’t have to finish a book that you don’t like, simply because you started to read it.

      Important: you’re never too old to try something new.

    9. Annonymous*

      Trivial: If someone offers you gum or a mint, always accept and use it right away.
      Important: Things can always be worse than they are.

    10. CatCat*

      On the sides of boxes of things like cling wrap, foil, and parchment paper are perforations in the box that you poke in. This holds the rolls in place.

      I believe this is both trivial and important. Makes kitchen life so much easier!

    11. char*

      Trivial: It’s okay to buy pre-sliced, pre-cooked chicken for use in recipes instead of having to spend a bunch of time preparing raw chicken.

      Important: Be as forgiving with yourself as you would with a dear friend.

    12. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Many times you can fudge it and utilize an odd tool–hammer in a nail with the heel of a cowboy boot. But not always–don’t try to hammer in a screw. The difference is wisdom.

      1. LibbyG*

        Trivial: when you’re grilling or panfrying sonething relatively thin, it’s almost always 3 minutes per side.

        Important: if you act like a jerk, it’s unlikely that someone will call you out, but you’ll lose out on opportunities that you won’t even be aware of.

    13. Folkie*

      Trivial: don’t keep your deoderant bar and bamboo toothbrush in the same sponge bag without covering them, as the toothbrush will taste of deodorant.
      Important: it’s OK to find things hard, even seemingly trivial things. We are not automatically born with the skills to do everything.

  24. Be the Change*

    Also, could I get some advice? Maybe this is age related? I am waking up earlier and earlier. Today woke up at 4. This of course means I want to crash earlier. I’ve always been a morning person but this is ridiculous. I don’t want to go to bed at 8!

    1. Asenath*

      I think it’s normal to sleep less as you age, but I’m a morning person too, and don’t let it distress me much. I usually stay in bed until the alarm goes at 5:30 even if I am awake, which I very often am. I always have an audiobook on my phone to listen to. I haven’t found a solution to being sleeping in the early evening, though.

    2. Jean (just Jean)*

      Menopause? Peri-menopause? (No offense meant if this does not apply.)
      Stress? (No redundancy meant if the two above do apply.

      Nothing obvious, such as noisy neighbors or other sound-based rackets close to your bedroom?

      Can you get up for a few minutes and then go back to sleep?

    3. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Sometimes if I drop my body temperature I can go back to sleep when I get back into bed. Worth a try?

    4. deesse877*

      Early rising is a depression symptom for me, but it could be other things too.

      Best sleep advice I ever got was, set the alarm for your wake-up time, but if you wake before that, DON’T LOOK AT THE CLOCK. Don’t count down the time and worry about getting enough sleep. Just do something else till you feel sleepy again, like read a paper book (not a screen). You’ll lose some time, but the worrying can make you lose more time than you otherwise would.

    5. Autumnheart*

      I’ve become the kind of person who prefers to get ready for bed at 8. But I also tend to suffer from early awakening. I personally find that a melatonin tablet helps me stay asleep, and that my sleep is sounder and more refreshing. If you haven’t tried it, give it a whirl.

      1. Be the Change*

        Thank you! I may try that. Thanks to everyone else as well. Peri-menopause is probably approaching. Stress, noise, etc., are not the issues. If I get up, I’m kinda up, unfortunately, but I could try maybe uncovering to get cooler.

  25. AnonForThisPost*

    This is going to be a long one – warning for mention/discussion of suicide, mental health problems and related triggers.

    So. When I was just turned fourteen, a friend committed suicide. Our entire friendship group really struggled with it, especially because we felt as though it was somehow our fault for not preventing it, even though we’d done everything that kids were told to (reported it to teachers multiple times etc). The inquest actually found a bunch of failings in CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services) in our area, people highlighting concerns that weren’t escalated or passed on, and so on. In other words, it definitely wasn’t our fault. Hard to convince us of that, though, especially after the family put out an appeal for people to look out for their friends and notice things that were wrong so it wouldn’t happen again, as though we’d known it was going to happen and did nothing.

    I never actually had therapy or counselling afterwards (was offered it, chose otherwise) but I feel like seven years later, I’m…not over it, but fine. Don’t think about it on a daily basis or anything. No longer actually think it’s our fault.

    Thing is, I’m now housemates with someone who has pretty bad depression and anxiety, and I’ve kind of accidentally become her sounding board for pretty much everything. I’m the one that texts her going “That wasn’t a reasonable response to [you mispronouncing a word/dropping something on the floor/etc], have you taken your meds today?” and stuff like that. That’s fine.

    But somewhere along the line, I think I’ve become the impromptu therapist. If I’m the last one up to bed, I get cornered in the kitchen so she can vent about things and talk about her stress levels, which relatively often segues into her bringing up the fact that she was thinking over her suicide plan etc. (Sample conversation: we were mid-way through exams, I said something about her final exam being in a day or two so it wasn’t much longer, and her response was “Yeah, that’s why I was sat in the library coming up with seven different ways to kill myself today.”) She’s also struggled with disordered eating in the past, so there’s the occasional “Also I didn’t eat for five days over summer” dropped in there. She knows about my friend, and she’s said in the past “I hope you don’t think I’m joking or making fun when I talk about wanting to kill myself” (and I just want to scream “You telling me that you’re being serious is far worse than if you were joking!”)

    I know she was seeing a therapist at some point, and I’ve gently probed to find out whether she still is, and I don’t think that she is, not anymore. But I can’t do this. I can’t be a 2am kitchen therapist to someone. I help to the best of my ability, but I *know* that I’m not of any real help, I’m not a therapist, I’m not a psychologist. I’m the friend that reminds her to take her meds. I’m happy to be the friend that she vents to when something is particularly bad.

    But the suggestions I offer get turned down (pill boxes so she remembers her meds, going back to therapy, etc), and I just can’t keep doing this. It’s bringing back really painful memories and, frankly, some pretty damaging mindsets, where being the friend means that I’m single-handedly responsible for fixing this and it’s all my fault if anything, god forbid, goes wrong, because I should have done more. I’m not a professional. I’m happy to be here for her, but not to this extent.

    I just need some way to get across to her that I feel like I’m not equipped to be this sounding board that I’ve become and that I would feel a lot more comfortable if she could go back to a therapist and could talk this stuff out with someone who was actually qualified. But anxiety brain. And depression brain. I know that anything and everything I say will be twisted out of proportion by her anxieties. I’d rather not bring into it the fact that I’m not comfortable talking about this because of my friend, because then she’s going to start beating herself up over making things awful for me, but…it kind of *is* making things awful for me. But I don’t want her to start blaming herself.

    I don’t know. Help.

    TLDR; have accidentally become impromptu therapist for friend who really does need therapy, but I’m not emotionally equipped to deal with this given past experiences, but I can’t figure out how to say this without her anxiety brain telling her that I hate her etc and things spiralling .

    1. Jean (just Jean)*

      Can you say it very gently, not “go see a shrink pronto!” but “I think this would be more appropriate for you to discuss with a therapist” or “I’m not comfortable giving advice here?” When a friend said this to me years ago it stung, but she was correct. I diverted the topic to a therapist. It helped our friendship.

      Short-term: You can have objective reasons to head off or wind down the conversation, such as “I realized that I have to go to bed by 11 (or whatever works for you) so I can’t keep talking at 2 a.m.” You can quietly rearrange your life so that you’re not around as much when she’s looking for a listener.

      Long term: I’d think seriously about moving when your lease is up.

      Depression and anxiety can spiral into dysfunctionality (despair, self-blame, frantic attempts to find external ways to soothe oneself when the problem has to be resolved internally)…but you are not required to destroy yourself just because someone else is, on some level, not choosing to taking constructive steps herself. I don’t mean to be harsh; I’m just saying that at some point, if one’s efforts are not helpful, one has to choose self-preservation.

      1. AnonForThisPost*

        “Long term: I’d think seriously about moving when your lease is up.”

        Not really an option given the situation. We’re all students, living in a student house – the way it goes is that you arrange a lease with your landlord generally before February for housing the following academic year. This is our second year sharing a house with the four of us, and we’ve already confirmed the lease for next year. The year after that, we’ll all be graduating and going our separate ways.

        But I agree with the short-term ideas – I think that framing it in a way where it’s not me going “Stop talking to me” but rather “I don’t think this is helping either of us, can you talk to a therapist?” is more in line with something that won’t trigger her anxiety as badly. She already has her subconscious telling her that everyone in this house secretly hates her and wants her gone; I don’t want to add fuel to the fire.

    2. All Stitched Up*

      Not coming up with any specific advice, but oh I feel for you. That’s so hard. If you’re not familiar with the Captain Awkward blog, I know there are several posts in the archives on how to avoid/extricate oneself from being an unpaid therapist for friends and partners. Using “unpaid therapist” in the search box on the blog should get you a bunch of hits.

      2. Epiphyta*

        Since the good Captain has been brought up, I’m going to open with this from one of her posts:

        Remember: there are limits to what friends, even concerned friends, can personally absorb when someone is in a down cycle. Therapists have set office hours, with fifty-minute sessions, and they have structure and boundaries and limits around how they do their work. If trained carers don’t think listening to someone’s complaints/worries for hours at a time is a best practice, then how can the expectation be that y’all can absorb that on demand? Caring about someone and taking on the full load of their emotional well-being in real time, for as long as they need to talk about it, aren’t the same thing; you’re not a bad or selfish person if someone else’s struggles make you feel like you’re in over your head.

        Please hold on to that. I used the bits below, adapted from the same post, with a friend whose sole topic of conversation for months was the horrible things her ex had done that week, her children’s reactions to it, and the awful state of her job:

        Hey, I know you are very resistant to the idea of therapy, but since you’re already talking a lot about all the terrible stuff that is happening in your life, can’t you try sharing all this with someone who can suggest some different coping strategies and knows more about what kinds of support and resources are available to you?

        You’re the boss of you, and whether or not you seek professional help is ultimately your choice. But I am reaching my capacity for how much I can listen and help, especially since I’m dealing with my own issues, so I need to limit the time we spend on certain kinds of conversations before I get overwhelmed.

        I know you hate this – I feel awkward as hell right now, too! But when I don’t like someone, I don’t bother to have super-awkward conversations with them about mental health or tell them ‘hey, my ability to engage with this is pretty small right now, I’m sorry’, I just disengage. I’m talking to you about this because I care about you and I want to talk with you; I’m recommending a therapist both because you deserve the very best care and because I need to be honest with you about my own struggles and the limits of what I can do.

        She may well be hurt or angry; my friend was. Eventually she concluded that it was hers to manage, and our friendship is slowly rebuilding. No one can give you a way to handle it that will absolutely not lead to hurt feelings – being compassionate and honest about your own limits is the best you can do.

        I wish you luck.

        1. ..Kat..*

          Captain Awkward has some good referals that you can give to your roommate for in-the-moment (at any time) therapy (including telephone hotlines, texting therapy lines, etc).

          Is there family of hers that you can alert?

          If you think she will try suicide when you stop being her sounding board, you can call 911.

          Please don’t feel guilty for not wanting to do this anymore. She is dumping an extreme amount on you.

    3. Weegie*

      I’ve had friends like this in the past (not, thankfully, suicidal, but definitely suffering from depression /anxiety/ other issue) and what I learned eventually – it took me a very, very long time – is that some people with issues, when they find a sympathetic ear, think this will solve their problems and they can stop taking their meds or going to therapy.

      I really had to learn the hard way that I could not be responsible for ‘saving’ them. A combination of making myself unavailable (‘sorry I can’t chat right now, I have [this other thing] to do’; not responding to texts for hours or even days) and responding to vents, rants, depressive outbreaks, etc with ‘that sounds awful for you – what will you do about [thing you’ve just been venting over]?’, or ‘please believe me that I’m not unsympathetic, but I’m totally unqualified to help you with this – I really think you should find a therapist’, followed by leaving the room/ending the phone call/changing the subject. This helped to make it clear that I wasn’t going to continue being an unpaid, unqualified sounding board. Repeat as often as necessary.

      It sounds harsh, but it actually isn’t helping a person with severe issues if they keep turning to you rather than getting appropriate help. And of course, these are not the things to say the first, second or third times, but only after it’s clear it’s never going to stop.

      Good luck, and look after yourself first!

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Tell her that you will help her when she wants to build a plan. But you are not qualified to fill in for a therapist.
      Probably as long as you listen to her she has no pressing need for a therapist.

      1. Wishing You Well*

        Yes, this.
        Shut down the therapy sessions and get out of there. This is not for you to handle.
        Call the suicide hotline for advice – for you.
        Good luck.

    5. anon for this*

      I am sorry to hear about what you’ve been dealing with. I will give you my honest experience having had such a friend, whether it is ‘correct’ or not:

      I had to move out and decrease contact.

      As long as I was around to vent at, drop sentences like, “Yes, I only ate 24 M&Ms yesterday,” tell about the abusive boyfriend who nevertheless needed her, etc etc, nothing changed for her or for me. I started to resent my friend and eventually become afraid of what she might do. Leaving and seeing how she dealt with things was the best thing possible: we are still friends, she found more constructive ways of coping, we both realized we couldn’t make anything better for each other, and she has a much more robust support network than before.

      I guess my realization was this: my presence *didn’t* seem to make anything better. Sure, being a friend/having friends is important, but this friend seemed to hold a feeling that I could fix her/save her/be a sink for her emotions, and not only was that false, but it actually seemed to make her life worse. I think I fed into a savior drama that subconsciously led her to escalate her behavior. Leaving broke that.

    6. LGC*

      I just need some way to get across to her that I feel like I’m not equipped to be this sounding board that I’ve become and that I would feel a lot more comfortable if she could go back to a therapist and could talk this stuff out with someone who was actually qualified.

      I think the answer’s right there. Just saying that would be perfect.

      I was reading your post, and…I’m really impressed with how caring you’ve been. And I know you really want to help her out. But also – you’re doing a ton for her, uncompensated! You’re basically taking care of her mental health right now. And that’s a lot to ask of any friend.

      If it makes you feel better, you can say that you’re telling her this because you care about her, and you can’t be her therapist (as opposed to that you won’t, even though I think both are justified). I mean, you could even offer to go with her as support to her first therapy session if that what she wants. But right now, she needs professional help if she’s not getting it, or her therapist to be made aware of how serious her behavior is.

      There’s one thing that’s especially alarming to me, though: not only does it look like she’s weaponized the threat of suicide, she’s also using your friend’s suicide to do so. (And…okay, you know her better than I do, but the way you described it came off like she was using the threat of suicide to get what she wants from you.) I’m not sure whether she’s actually at risk of committing suicide or just engaging in abusive behavior (or, most likely, both at the same time), but the suicide threats are something other people (like…let’s say, her psychiatrist) need to be aware of. And it’s even more reason to pull away.

      Also, from the top – I’m pretty sure everyone else has suggested this, but you should also consider going to a therapist, since you yourself have unresolved trauma. From the details you’ve given, I’d bet that you’re in college/university right now, so you might be able to access mental health services on campus if that’s the case.

      1. AnonForThisPost*

        Re your second-to-last paragraph – no, that’s not really how it’s going. My post focused a lot more on my past as an explanation of my mindset, but I didn’t actually bring up my friend in conversation for over a year; she had no idea about it. It was a couple of days later that she said that stuff about hoping I didn’t see it as making fun etc, in light of what I’d told her.

        I think that she sees it very much like black humour to help deal with something that she’s been struggling with for years (anxiety and depression run in her family in a big way, along with other mental health issues, so I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s been literally life-long) but I find it hard to treat it the same way, y’know? That’s why she said that she hoped I hadn’t seen it as joking – because it often *is* joking, in a sense, but only inasmuch as any black humour in that vein is joking. It’s a common coping method amongst people dealing with mental health problems, I know, but I find it hard to treat it in that way.

        But yes, I do plan on telling her next time it comes up that I really think she would massively benefit from actual therapy and that I don’t feel comfortable providing that service for both our sakes.

    7. misspiggy*

      I think you’re in the UK, so you could suggest she join the Elefriends online community, set up so people going through this stuff can vent and share.

      1. Roja*

        Or something like 7 Cups might be something she finds helpful–even if (hopefully when) she does get into therapy, therapists aren’t available 24/7 so she might want someone to talk things through with.

    8. KayEss*

      It’s probable that anything you do to break this cycle will cool the friendship, possibly permanently. Do it anyway. I had to do this with an online friend, and sadly we don’t talk as much as we used to… but I’m also not staying up until four in the morning listening to her talk about how much she wanted to kill herself but also how terrified she was that she would, which was ruining my daily life and my own mental health.

      It sounds like you’re both at the same school, and there may be resources there that you can access in terms of alerting someone in charge of student welfare that she’s not doing well and needs help. Also counseling for yourself, as others mentioned. Both for dealing with the trauma in your past and with being able to let go of trying to help your friend now–I poured so much into trying to help my friend that eventually I burned out completely, and found myself thinking ugly (but human) things like that if she’d finally kill herself I’d at least get some closure on how helpless I felt about her situation, and also be able to get an actual night’s sleep. I wasn’t able to trust myself to talk to her anymore, and I felt like a monster. Our friendship did survive, in a subdued form, but only because I set an explicit boundary of “no suicide talk unless you are in a literal crisis situation right this instant and need moral support while you dial the number of the hotline/hospital” and was able to just… walk away from the IM window without answering her in order to reinforce it.

      Also: maybe start feeling around for alternate living situations. Definitely do not plan to renew a lease or living arrangement involving this friend for another term or year.

  26. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

    My very carnivorous anti-vegetable housemate just started dating a vegan lady, heh. I have my own set of hang-ups about Ways I Must Be Able To Treat Guests In My Home, and they include that if she is in my house at dinner time, she must be able to eat a reasonable portion of dinner and not go hungry. Collecting ideas for vegan dishes that are substantial enough as a main meal – I def don’t want to be like “we’re eating this big delicious cheesy meaty lasagne, your iceberg lettuce is over there,” or otherwise stick her with only a side dish as her option – but that will also be palatable to the omnivorous residents who actually pay for their food.

    2. GoryDetails*

      The Budget Bytes site just had a longish vegetarian thread, with lots of tasty recipes; that might give you some ideas. (I like the way the blogger posts step-by-step instructions, and have found some really simple but delicious recipes there.)

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        His rent includes meals and I do the cooking. If she starts being here at dinner time regularly, he and I will have that discussion – for now, I’m just trying to be prepared for an occasional thing, just in case.

        1. Move Over Thrawn - Florian Munteanu is BIGGER than you!*

          Meals for dates too? You are way nicer about it than I would be!!

          1. Traffic_Spiral*

            Yeah, I’d say if you want to pick up some vegan recipes just for general fun, go ahead (find a vegan online cooking community) but also his ladyfriend is sorta his business so don’t stress.

          2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

            No, I mean, his rent includes room and board (I’m technically the landlord), so generally I cook dinner at night. If she’s going to be here at dinnertime every once in a while, I’d like to be able to provide her a meal, the same way I would if I or my SO or anyone else in the house had a friend over once in a while. If she starts showing up regularly, like multiple times a week, then he and I will have a discussion about if his lady friend is eating here regularly then some combination of the two of them needs to start chipping in, but for now, I just want a couple of options in my pocket for a one-off situation. (Also, he’s one of my dearest friends, so I don’t want to be like NO I AM NOT LETTING YOUR GIRLFRIEND EAT IN MY HOUSE BECAUSE MEAT, GO AWAY.)

            Plus apparently she’s bringing us two cakes today, so I think we’re all in “impress the friends” mode, haha.

          3. Annette*

            Red Reader is being taken for a ride. Something is amiss with this setup. Not your guest = not your mouth to feed.

            1. Elizabeth West*

              That seems unnecessarily suspicious. RR just explained that if the guest will be coming regularly, they will make an arrangement about chipping in. It hasn’t reached that point yet.

              RR wants to have recipes available for hospitality purposes for an occasional visitor, that’s all. Besides, she herself might end up entertaining her own friends who are vegan. So it’s nice to have alternatives.

            3. Courageous cat*

              I think the lede was buried a bit here: the thing that changes everything is that the housemate in question is not just a housemate, but an actual dear friend.

    4. Reba*

      These days I’m into mixed roasted vegetables. Whatever looks good at the store, olive oil, salt/pep, and some kind of herb-spice endealment. We got a bunch of indian spice blends as a gift and those make it easy to create something really flavorful without needing to think.

      A dish like shukshuka without the eggs (substitute baked tofu chunks, maybe?) is great for guests, as it’s not hard but I think it looks impressive. Side of chickpeas and good bread, there’s a beautiful meal!

      Mashed or roasted potatoes with vegan gravy is easy comfort food — roux with olive oil, plus vegetable stock (Better than Boullion) and mushrooms.

      You’re thoughtful, I’m sure your guest will appreciate it!

      1. Bluebell*

        I was thinking of roasted veggies over quinoa. And there is a shakshuka with chickpeas recipe- maybe on the Kitchn blog?

    5. Sapphire*

      This is more of an autumn dish, but cubed sweet potatoes, beets, turnips, and red onions tossed with olive oil, salt, and pepper, and roasted in a baking dish makes a lovely vegan side. It’s usually called “beets and sweets” if you want to look up a recipe. Serve that alongside some vegan protein and that would be a great meal.

    6. Kimmybear*

      Big van of vegan chili. Lots of recipes online but I’ve had some great ones with quinoa and sweet potatoes. Check out the Kate and Cookie blog as they have lots of good vegan recipes.

    7. Emily*

      It depends a little bit on what the omnivores will and won’t want to eat, but honestly, a lot of non-American/non-Western European foods are vegetarian- or vegan-friendly. A lot of Indian food (dhal, channa masala, various other curries, etc), Thai curries (though you should be careful to avoid fish sauce or shrimp paste), Mediterranean food (I really like hummus, falafels, baba ganouj, etc.), and probably more cuisines that I’m forgetting are either naturally vegan or easy to make that way.

      If you or any of your residents has an aversion to some of the cuisines I listed above, maybe things like roasted veggies, vegan soups and stews (Budget Bytes has a recipe for African Peanut Stew that I like), tacos or burritos (whatever combination people want of rice, beans, peppers and other vegetables, salsa, and possible dairy/meat for the non-vegans), or vegan pasta dishes might all be options.

      1. Personal Best In Consecutive Days Lived*

        Just make sure to substitute vegetable oil for ghee (clarified butter) in Indian dishes.
        As an omnivore I find vegan and vegetarian Indian dishes tasty and satisfying.
        You can also make ratatouille vegan by substituting vegetable oil for butter. This is what I serve for dinner when vegans are over.

    8. Mephyle*

      Do some searches for “vegan dishes for meat-lovers”, “vegan dishes carnivores will love” – there are a lot of collections of recipes online under headings like these.
      The idea is to flip the paradigm; instead of having a meaty main dish and a side dish for her, you could have a hearty vegan main dish that the housemate might even also like (because it’s designed to appeal to meat eaters, too), and housemate can have, on the side, a steak or chicken breast or whatever makes them feel complete.

    9. Maya Elena*

      Look into vegan borscht or beet soup. You can add eggs and sour cream to it for non-vegans.

      Really any veggie soup, anything with heavy root vegetables can be filling, even if it’s a side, and you can have non,-vegan dishes too for a non-mixed company. If she’s a reasonable girl she won’t demand everyone pretend that they don’t eat what she chooses to avoid.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Nope, I’ve already clarified that part for sure. I think if she was unreasonable in that fashion, she and the carnivore probably wouldn’t have gotten so far :)

    10. Jaid*

      African peanut (sweet potatoes or butternut squash or variant of orange veggie) stew with naan. Toss in some kale, maybe some tofu? I prefer crunchy peanut butter plus the peanuts.

    11. JediSquirrel*

      Make-your-own-burritos. Set out a variety of fillings, let everyone make their own, roll them up, and pop them in the oven. A pinto bean and Mexican rice burrito is wonderful.

      Oh, and there are some vegan cheeses out there that are better than dairy cheese.

  27. Not So NewReader*

    I got into my 30s and I learned it was super important not to feed into the highs and lows of my days. This meant going to bed on time, even if I was not that tired. I decided to read in bed until I felt sleepy. Waking up early did not mean I should get up. I could read, doze, cuddle the dog etc.
    If I followed my energy I would be cleaning cupboards at 2 am. Nice in the moment, but it really impacts health if done as a habit. I made a schedule for myself and followed it.

    1. Thursday Next*

      This is really important! I also force myself to stay in bed if I’ve awakened too early. A lesson learned the hard way…

  28. pugs for all*

    As I sit here with my gently snoring pug, I just wanted to share with you all an epic twitter feed about the ridiculous things people say to their pets. As I have (ahem) been known to call Mr Pugglesworth some highly silly names, I got a kick out of it. Link in username

    2. anon or this will out me to everyone I know*

      Hahahahaha! Why do we humans do this? I call my cat by her name (Katie), but also Kitty, Titty, Nipple, Turd, Turdbear, Furbear, Lovebug, Furbutt, Mi Gatita Bonita, Queen of the Castle, Sweetie-pie, Chairman Meow, Sweet Cheeks, Whiskers, Lovebear, Love-a-Muffin, Muffin, Sweet Muffin, Face, Baby Butt, Baby Bear, and Sweet Little Kitty Kitty Kitty. In the vast majority of cases she appears to know I’m addressing her, I presume due to tone of voice.

    3. SAHM*

      Lol, me too! I have several animals
      Bart(cocker): Bart the Fart, Bunny Butt, Whose Mommies Teddy Bear
      Ducky (cocker): Ducky Doodle, Ducky Doodle Dandy, Polar Bear, Asshole, and GET OFF THE COUNTERS (he likes to climb onto the counters and eat out of the sink, which is bad because he’s on a special diet)
      Gibbs (tabby cat): Gibblet
      Dexter (part Ragdoll?): Pig, piggy, Fluff, Furball, Attention Whore, Mr. Pushy, Dex, Baby’s Pillow.
      It’s funny bc when I start calling Bart Bunny Butt he immediately starts to wiggle his hind quarters like a rabbit.

    4. CatCat*

      My cat has an actual name on his collar tag, but by now, he probably thinks his name is Cat Butt.

  29. KLChica*

    My baby’s sick with her first cold….boooo…
    I’m watching lots of tv and snuggling this weekend. Does anyone else love the show young Sheldon? I laugh so much every episode!

    1. Ron McDon*

      Ah, hope your baby feels better soon.

      I LOVE Young Sheldon! I watch it with my 13 yo son, and we roar with laughter.

      I tell him if I am ever a granny I’m going to be just like Mee-maw…

  30. cat socks*

    Thanks to everyone for the kind and supportive comments on my post last week. We said goodbye to my kitty yesterday.

    I opted to take her into the vet hospital so her wonderful doctor could be with us at the end. I made the appointment on Monday. I was worried about having so much time before taking her in, but in hindsight I appreciated having the time to prepare. I spent a lot of time with her during the week and cried a lot.

    I’m an emotional person, but on the day of I was strangely stoic. But once we got there and started walking up to the building, I started to break down. They immediately took us to a special room so we could have privacy.

    I held her in my arms, wrapped in a couple of blankets and she passed peacefully. My husband was also there petting her.

    I was upset, but also strangely relieved and calm. I had worried about it being the right time, but I don’t feel like I let her go too soon. She was so thin and was having problems with incontinence. Her bladder was fine, but I would find pieces of poop around the house. She spent a lot of time on the bed and I had to wash the sheets multiple times and clean up her fur.

    Afterwards I didn’t want to go home right away so we stopped for lunch. My husband was more upset than he expected and had to leave and sit in the car. He grew up in the country with farm animals and barn cats and has seen those animals pass. He said it was different with a cat of his own. He also had a view of her face and it affected him seeing her eyes as she passed. I just felt her go limp in my arms, so it wasn’t as traumatic for me.

    There are three other cats at home, but the house feels different without her. It will take time adjusting to the new normal.

    It was a tough decision, but the right one to make. I’m glad she is no longer in pain.

    1. Shortie*

      Aw, I’m so sorry for your loss. That must be so tough. So glad you had the weekend to say goodbye. Internet hugs to you.

      1. cat socks*

        Thank you. It’s a mixture of sadness and relief that she is no longer suffering. It is nice having a couple of days to myself before getting back to work.

    2. Foreign Octopus*

      I’m so sorry. I dread this day coming for my cat, but she got to pass away in the arms of the people who loved her the most and that’s the best thing you could have done for her.

      1. cat socks*

        Thank you for the kind words. I’m so glad I was able to be with her at the end. This was my first time experiencing this, but she went quickly and painlessly.

    3. Move Over Thrawn - Florian Munteanu is BIGGER than you!*

      I so can relate to your pain and sadness; my heart aches for what you are going through. I lost my cat Leia on Jan 5 and cat Toby passed on Jan. 22; I’m convinced the disruption was more than he could bear. They were both 15.

    4. Not All*

      I’m so sorry for your loss but I’m glad you were able to do the right thing for her and that it went smoothly.

      It’s amazing how long the house feels “wrong” when one is gone…the cat pile still looks too small to me every time I see it & I catch myself waiting for the other one to come running up at treat time even though he’s been gone for months.

      1. cat socks*

        Thank you for the kind words. She was a quiet kitty, but I miss looking at the couch and seeing her curled up there. I fed her and gave her meds a few times a day, so it’s been odd not having that routine. It will just take some time getting used to it. I keep remembering that she is no longer in pain.

    5. Anona*

      I’m so sorry about your sweet kitty. It sounds like it went about as well as it could have. I hope you and your husband have a calm and restorative weekend and are able to find peace.

      1. cat socks*

        Thank you so much. It has been nice to have a couple of days off before heading back to work. There is definitely some sadness, but we are trying to remember that she was not doing well at the end.

    6. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      oh, my…. tears. My heart goes out to you. You loved her to the complete end, and I am so glad she had such a wonderful home with you. How are the other kitties with her gone?

      1. cat socks*

        Thank you. The other kitties are okay. She spent a lot of her time by herself in the bedroom so they didn’t interact a lot. The two boys are spending more time snuggling on the bed with us, which is nice.

    7. DaffyDuck*

      Condolences on the loss of your kitty. It is the hardest, kindest decision us pet owners have to make.

      1. cat socks*

        Thank you. I’m glad I didn’t wait any longer to say goodbye. I am trying to remind myself that she is no longer in pain and that brings some comfort.

    8. ..Kat..*

      I am so sorry for your loss. You are a good kittie mommy. I hope you can take comfort in knowing you gave a good life and a comforting death.

      1. cat socks*

        Thank you so much. It does help that her passing was so peaceful. It felt like she was just going to sleep.

    9. Kate*

      I’m so sorry for your loss. We’re saying goodbye to my 19 year old kitkat on Wednesday and even though I know 100% that it is the right decision for very similar reasons to yours, it is still so, so hard to think about.

  31. Teapot Translator*

    Anyon have advice for GERD?

    I’m on two medications. I have read that dietary changes are not proven to help, but I still don’t eat much of or at all the not-recommended foods (e.g. tomatoes, citrus fruits, alcohol), but I have been drinking tea. I stopped chocolate for February. And still, I sometimes get pain.

    I don’t feel like going back to the doctors though it may be inevitable. Should I try a nutritionist?

    1. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I’m assuming those two meds are for the GERD? If they’re not, they might be contributing to your symptoms.

      It sounds like you should go back to the doctor. Sometimes it takes a while for GERD pain to subside, but if you’ve altered your diet AND you’re on meds, then there may be another issue. Have they ruled out a hiatal hernia?

      1. Teapot Translator*

        Yes, two medications for GERD (plus other medication for other stuff.)

        I’m not sure they’ve ruled out a hernia although we’ve ruled out ulcers.

        I’ve been on medication for years so this a new problem.

    2. My Brain is Exploding*

      Research online about taking melatonin at night for GERD. Sorry, can’t find a link right now.

    3. Kuododi*

      I’ve struggled long term with GERD as well. The one thing suggested to me by my MDs that I didn’t see you mention would be to sleep with your head elevated. I’ve found my nutritionist to be very helpful in managing food choices. ( I’ve been seeing my particular nutritionist for the past six months or so. She’s quite helpful.). Other than that, I would say go to the MD. It is time to get a consult by a specialist. Best wishes.

      1. BRR*

        Sleeping elevation helped my friend a lot. He said he placed something (I forgot what) between his mattress and box spring at the head of his bed.

        1. Jaid*

          I have an adjustable bed, and the head is elevated. Plenty of catalogs sell foam wedges for elevation purposes. Amazon has inflatables that go under the mattress and can be pumped up to elevate the mattress.

          My Mom has a hole in her esophagus that is too big now to be repaired. She eats some crackers and cheese when she gets up, something for dinner, and water/hot tea. She’s pretty cool with it, because her diabetes is gone with the resulting weight loss, but it’s a heck of a diet, not recommended 1/10.

    4. ArtK*

      Go back to the doctor. There may be some physical issues going on. When I was suffering from it, badly, my doctor ordered a barium swallow. That showed that there was a fibrous ring around my esophagus just above the stomach that was too narrow; this is related to the hiatal hernia mentioned by AvonLady. They went in with a gastroscope and stretched that ring wider and the symptoms dropped significantly. A proton-pump inhibitor is the only thing I take for it now.

      There are lots of other potential issues in that area, so a doctor that simply dismisses them with an antacid and no further investigation is not doing their job.

    5. fposte*

      I’m intrigued on the dietary changes–they make a huge difference to me. For me it’s not so much that I get GERD from chocolate as when I’m predisposed to GERD chocolate is going to tip me over. When things are settled it won’t.

      But dietary changes work *slowly*. It takes me a couple of weeks at least to see results. If you mean caffeinated tea, I’d definitely drop it.

      A dietician–not a nutritionist, which is an unlicensed term that could apply to anybody here–is a reasonable consideration in the meantime. A symptom diary might be worth trying until you get an appointment–it’ll give you a nice chartable pattern to work with.

      1. WellRed*

        I think also with the diet piece is that it can vary widely by person. There are obvious triggers, but also non obvious. I cannot eat cheddar cheese.

    6. Red Sky*

      I have GERD with a hiatal hernia and steadily had increasing pain over the years where they just kept upping the dosage of my GERD medicine, which did nothing to help. Unfortunately it turns out I also developed several different food intolerances which can mimic some of the symptoms of GERD. I only discovered this when I started having chronic diarrhea and it took a lot of testing and finally an elimination diet over several weeks to identify the main culprits (gluten, palm, anything in the allium family). Now, avoiding those foods has greatly decreased my GERD associated pain. I also no longer take proton pump inhibitors as I feel they might have been a factor in developing the food intolerances due to how they can inhibit/mess with gut bacteria. Now, when I have heartburn that isn’t due to inadvertantly eating one of these foods I drink baking soda water and that seems to help the most.

      1. Red Sky*

        Oh, I also found out that GERD can fluctuate in relation to my cycle. According to one GI doc I saw, apparently the increase in certain hormones can also cause an increase in stomach acid production, so I wind up drinking more baking soda water when I’m pms’ing.

      2. Business Librarian*

        It was only after I developed violent diarrhea in addition to GERD that I realized my problem was gluten sensitivity. I’d eliminated everything on the official GERD trigger list and still had pain so I eliminated dairy. I seemed to get better but then I started waking up 3 hours after dinner with awful …. symptoms. It turns out I thought it was dairy because I eat cheese with bread and crackers! Long painful story short, I’m thinking of going off the medicine now that I’m gluten-free.

    7. Mephyle*

      A lot of people say the Acid Watcher’s Diet helped them.
      Doctors tend to prescribe acid-reducing medicines, but in some cases GERD is caused or aggravated by too low stomach acid – a certain level of acid is necessary to stimulate the lower esophageal sphincter to close properly. In addition, insufficient acid can cause the food not to digest properly, also contributing to heartburn.
      Sleeping with the head and torso elevated (mentioned by Kuododi and subcomments) has helped me a lot. I have a wedge pillow.
      Two other mechanical things that can help: not to eat or drink within three hours before lying down, and to eat slowly: take small bites, chew them much longer than you would normally do, and space them out.

      1. WoodswomanWrites formerly Woodswoman*

        Echo a lot of this. I’m on medication and I have blocks under the posts at the head of my bed so the entire bed slopes a little. The recommendation is to make sure your head is elevated at least six inches. I also don’t eat too close to when I head to sleep. It’s definitely a good idea to talk with your doctor again. That said, my doctor told me that it could take a while for things to calm down. They have, and I’m not in pain anymore. I also take probiotics. For me, I find I can pretty much eat anything now, with only occasional minor discomfort if I use a heavy dose of butter on something I’m eating. Check back with your doctor, and I hope you feel better soon.

    8. Need a Beach*

      Typical GERD trigger foods are fine for me. My triggers are more unusual. I highly recommend a food diary to track what is causing issues. If that doesn’t help, escalate to a dietician.

      Also, while others already mentioned sleeping upright, I find it more important to stay upright within at least 3 hours after a meal–no gulping down a slice of pizza and flopping down on the couch. After a meal I have to stay standing up and moving, or sit in a chair that doesn’t recline.

      Maintenance medications for allergies or sinus issues give me flares–no Allegra, Zyrtec, etc. I muddle through with saline sprays and the like.

    9. ..Kat..*

      A registered dietitian (RD) has rigorous training (including a degree), has to pass a licensing exam, and must complete continuing education yearly. Anyone with any (or no) qualifications can call themselves a dietitian. I recommend consulting an RD.

      1. ..Kat..*

        Also, if you are being treated by a general practitioner doctor, I recommend a visit with a GI (gastrointestinal) specialist.

    10. StellaBella*

      My mom had GERD. A few things: do you smoke? If so, stop. Have you tried a diet that includes pre-biotics (vinegar, kim chi, sauer kraut etc – not pro-biotics, but the stuff that makes your gut habitable for the good bacteria)? Drinking decent amounts of water, eliminating caffeine helped my mom too. Also have your lipase levels checked for gall bladder and pancreas issues. Best of luck.

  33. Blue Eagle*

    Winter is a great time to read – forgetting the frigid weather outside with a warm snuggy and a fine glass of wine. I’m reading “A Bite-sized History of France: Gastronomic Tales of Revolution, War and Enlightenment” by Stephane Henaut & Jeni Mitchell. Chapters are 4-5 pages long and each delves into some type of food mixed in with a bit of French history. A fun read!

    1. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Want a silly one for when you finish that? Someone reminded me of “Cooking With Fernet Branca” this week. It’s a parody of the “Year in Provence” style of book.

      1. Blue Eagle*

        Thanks for the recommendation. I just checked the catalog for the local library and they have that book. I’ll put a request for it tomorrow.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          My husband said to add…if you buy a bottle to try, make it a small bottle…it’s, er, medicinal.

  34. PhyllisB*

    I shared this last week, but it was late Sunday and may have gotten buried. Just wanted to let y’all know my son in rehab is doing great, and is ready to go to stage III. We were concerned his girlfriend was upset because she didn’t want him to be gone so long, and he was sort of wavering because he didn’t want to upset her. Well, when we went to visit him he basically said she was going to have to like it or lump it because he knew that was what he needed to do. Talk about a prayer being answered!! We are going for Family Weekend next week and may be late before I can update, but will keep y’all posted. Side note: have any of you ever attended a family weekend for someone in rehab? We’re not sure exactly what to expect. We didn’t have that opportunity when our daughter was in rehab. Anything special we need to know before getting there?

    1. Shortie*

      That is great news! I haven’t attended a Family Weekend, so can’t address your specific question, but I have a close family member who has struggled mightily with drug addiction and so just wanted to reply and let you know that I’m rooting for your son (and you, his girlfriend, and the whole family).

    2. anon24*

      Good for your son! I am happy for your family and hoping this all works out. I have been following your posts but don’t remember what he is in rehab for, either way addiction is hard and shitty and good for him for realizing what he needs and sticking to it. May his sobriety be long and happy!

      1. PhyllisB*

        Thank you, anon24. Well, to everyone who has been so kind and encouraging. He’s addicted to Xanax, but will take other things, too. What triggered this was taking Fenabut. This is “legal” and can be bought on-line for treating anxiety, but can cause paranoia and panic attacks. He was also taking an opiate based thing that can also be purchased on-line. The name escapes me at the moment. We had no idea what he was taking, but we knew something was terribly wrong. He’s doing well so far and I will keep all of y’all updated.

        1. PhyllisB*

          Okay, my Southern is showing. I meant to say all of YOU updated. I realize all of y’all is not proper English in other parts of the country. :-)

    3. fposte*

      I’m so glad to hear that he’s doing well, and that he had the health to push back on his girlfriend.

      1. PhyllisB*

        Us too!! About pushing back on girlfriend. He’s a people pleaser and never wants to let anybody down, but we have reminded him that he needs to think of himself first this time and do what he needs to do to get and stay sober.
        She’s a really sweet person and we like her, but she’s a lot younger than him, and very needy. Also she’s never dealt with anything like this before, so I understood her initial reaction. However, I have had to kindly let her know this isn’t about her and if she wants to have a future with him, she has to be supportive of his decisions to get sober, and stay that way. Luckily, she likes me and is willing to listen to me so if needed I will keep reminding her of this.

    4. The Man, Becky Lynch*

      I’m so relived that he’s in rehab and progressing well! It still worries me that his girlfriend is so…hm. Yeah. If you love someone who needs help for substance abuse, you don’t get to whine and cry about them being away…she seems like a bad seed and I hope that this is the end to that nonsensical stuff. Praying that everything continues to go this upwards direction.

    5. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      Good for all of you, and sounds like a super next step. No advice, just encouragement.

    6. Loopy*

      So much kudos to you and your son for the journey. And you have been so much more patient with the girlfriend than I would have been. I’m honestly flabbergasted that she doesn’t get what a huge deal this is and had the gall to even make it about her to any degree whatsoever, young or not. But I grew up with a severe addict so I guess I can’t see it through her eyes at all.

      Again, just so much credit to you, I would have truly gone off on her I think, partially out of fear that she would truly jeopardize such an important endeavor/effort. And I’m so thrilled your son is putting himself first.

      Best of luck with the next steps!

    7. WoodswomanWrites formerly Woodswoman*

      I don’t have any personal experience to share, just posting to say I’m really glad to see things moving in such a positive direction.

    8. LizB*

      A few years ago, I went to a Family Weekend for my dad that actually occured a few months after he finished his inpatient program (I don’t remember why we didn’t go to one during his stay). Every person and family is different, obviously, but I would bring tissues. So many tissues. The nice soft lotion-y kind. Also any kind of comfort/stress relief things that help you — bath bombs, fidgets, journal, etc.

      At our weekend, we first got an overview of the kinds of internal/therapy work dad & his peers had been doing, then we learned about communication strategies we needed to use (I statements, naming feelings, etc.) and got a worksheet to fill out individually to prep for family conversations. On the second day, each family got a chance to talk in kind of a fishbowl setup with the other families observing. The worksheets were super helpful so we could remember what we wanted to say, because the idea of saying that stuff out loud was so bizarre and scary. The whole experience was grueling but definitely good for us as a family.

  35. Porto/Spain question*

    Happy Saturday everyone! My husband and I are looking to move to Europe within the next 4-5 years and will be spending 3 weeks in Spain this fall. We went to Portugal in 2017 and absolutely fell in love with Porto – the vibe, architecture, great food, great wine/sangria, picturesque city. I would literally pack up my things and move there tomorrow if given the opportunity (definitely recommend you add this place on your bucket list!)

    For those you that have been to Spain and Porto – what cities would you recommend we go to in Spain that have a similar vibe as Porto? We are definitely explore-er type people and prefer to walk around, take in the sights, and enjoy the city vs guided tours and outings with groups.

    1. Foreign Octopus*

      I live in Spain and can recommend the must-see cities but, having never been to Porto, it might be hit and miss so others can weigh in here.

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        Sorry, that posted without me wanting it too.

        1. Granada: this is at the top of the list because of the Alhambra but there is so much to see here as it has fascinating architecture, a rich history, and is close to the Sierra Nevada mountains with the city of Cordóba close as well so there’s lots to explore and loads of outings.

        2. Sevilla: larger than Porto and it’s got a slight desert feel from the architecture and, depending on the time of year, the weather. Super hot so be careful with that.

        3. San Sebastian: located in the Basque country and a very tourstic destination but it’s a must-see because of its excellent cuisine and old town. There are less guided tours here but, if you have a day to kill, this is the place to go.

        4. Santiago de Compostela: this is in Galicia in the north of Spain and famous for being the end of the Pilgram’s Walk that stretches from France to here. Very busy in peak seasons but loads to see and explore with guided tours as well.

        5. Burgos: also in the north of Spain with the best cathedral (after La Sagrada Familia) in Spain; great food and lots of cultural stuff to do.

        1. Porto/Spain question*

          Mil gracias!! Have you been to Nerja? It looks like a really cute beach town. Also looking into San Sebastian (not for the city Porto vibe but for beaches).

          Granada and Seville also look amazing.

          1. Foreign Octopus*

            I haven’t been to Nerja but I’ve heard good things about it.

            Most of my exploration of Spain has been limited to the big Southern cities and then all of the north where I live.

            Granada is honestly the best. The mixture of the religions and the history of it makes it my favourite city in Spain (plus the food of course!)

              1. Foreign Octopus*

                Never been and it hasn’t interested me but I think that’s more because of a snobbish reason than anything specific. I’ve always heard of Malaga as a place where people go, party, have lots of sex etc., and that doesn’t interest me. I’m sure it’s lovely but it’s not at the top of my list to visit.

        2. ..Kat..*

          My DH and I are also interested in Spain. One thing stopping us right now is food restrictions. Is it possible to eat vegan and gluten free in restaurants in Spain?

          1. Foreign Octopus*

            If you’re in the bigger cities, yes. Smaller, no.

            I live in the north of Spain and meat is the main ingredient here. My friend is a vegetarian and she’s always able to find something because she acts fish as well, but vegan and gluten free in my part is very difficult.

  36. Sapphire*

    Y’all, can I gush for a moment? I’ve been dating someone for two-ish weeks now, and it’s been going really well. He’s such a sweet person and wants to try all these new things with me, and it seems like most of the big deal breakers for us aren’t a problem. I’m so excited about this new relationship!

    1. Move Over Thrawn - Florian Munteanu is BIGGER than you!*

      Yaaayyy! All paws crossed that this continues to be a wonderful situation for you both.

    2. The Man, Becky Lynch*

      This warms my cold snowed in heart. I hope this is the start to a wonderful fairy tale and continues to bring you joy!

  37. NewMom*

    My baby is two weeks today, and boy, I do not feel on top of things. I go through at least three outfits a day ( he pees when being changed and my attempts to catch it do not always work). Baths are a struggle. I feel like I keep poking him accidentally. Everyone kept saying how spouse and i would be good parents and I swear I took classes and read books, but I feel totally lost some times.

    1. Foreign Octopus*

      Hey, this is completely normal!

      You’re a new mum and there’s a steep learning curve involved in getting things right. These things will become much easier once you’ve done them a thousand times but, right now, you’re new at it and sometimes your baby is going to pee whilst being changed or you’re going to put the diaper on wrong or anything else. None of this makes you a bad parent, it just makes you a new parent.

      Take it easy on yourself because I guarantee that any parent you think is judging you has had exactly the same experience that you’re having right now.

      You’re doing a good job.

    2. Parenthetically*

      Yes! That is how I too felt.

      Three outfits a day is fine and normal! Pretty much every newborn pees while being changed. My son screamed through every bath (so we did weekly baths only until he was about 1). I felt like I was constantly doing something wrong in how I was holding him.

      It’ll start to feel less strange, and more normal. The biggest thing that helped for me was SLOWING THE HELL DOWN and talking my son through things in a really soft voice. “Ok, it’s time for a change. Mumma’s going to unsnap your onesie, one, two, three! Oh, that was a big kick! You love kicking your legs don’t you. You’ve been doing it since you were in my belly! All right, let’s take your diaper off, and give you a good wipe down! Doesn’t it feel nice to be clean? Ahhh, a clean dry bottom. New diaper time! Yep, cold bottom means you need to pee sometimes doesn’t it! Silly billy. Ok, let’s snap you up. Pants on too, where are your toes? Oh there they are! All right, now I’m going to pick you up again! All done with the diaper change. Mumma loves to take care of you! Let’s have a snuggle for a minute. It’s hard to have your diaper changed, isn’t it! It feels strange and you don’t know what to do. Tell me all about it.” Etc. etc.

      The thing about classes and books is that they can’t prepare you for the actual born human being with feelings and preferences and a personality that you’re taking care of. They can give you good and helpful strategies for dealing with things, but it’s up to you to try them out and figure out if they work for you and your kid or not. That’s why slowing down and making those little moments as calm and connected as possible was the most helpful thing for me. I’m not trying to rush through things that way, I’m trying to use these difficult moments to connect with this real live human being in front of me who’s having a bit of a hard time. I didn’t do it perfectly but slowing down really helped me connect.

      1. LilySparrow*

        The talking through everything also helped me keep track of what the heck I was doing when I was completely sleep-deprived. And it’s good for their brain & social development anyway.

        1. Parenthetically*

          Talking through everything also helped me see him as a full human being, an actual person, and not just a lump I was trying to stuff into a onesie! Caring tasks became something we did TOGETHER, not just something I was doing TO him, if that makes sense.

    3. legalchef*

      So totally normal. Mine is 20 months (today!) and I still don’t feel like I know what I’m doing!

      One tip for diaper changes – after he painted the changing table… wall… bookcase… and me a few times, I started keeping a washcloth on the changing table and when I wasn’t actively putting a diaper on him I’d drape the diaper over the “danger zone” to catch any errant pee.

      2. LilySparrow*

        When all my friends were in baby-shower mode a few years back, there was a product called the “pee pee teepee”. Basically a cute little washable flannel cone. I have no idea if they were more effective than using a washcloth or a burp rag as a shield, but they made a hilarious gift.

        1. legalchef*

          I definitely saw those! I just thought they wouldn’t be as useful as a washcloth, since I was getting so many washcloths anyway.

    4. Ranon*

      That early on they change really really fast- you get a new baby every few days! So there’s lots and lots and lots of learning to do, on their part with the whole existing in the world challenge and on your part both in basic caretaking and in getting to know this new person who is living in your house! Even if you had a new adult housemate two weeks in you’d be ironing stuff out, and your new housemate needs a whole lot more from you than an adult would.

      Three outfits a day is pretty good! The pee reflex does eventually calm down. I’m also pretty impressed you’ve achieved multiple baths! We…did not bathe our child that frequently early on. You’re doing great! Parenting at this stage is mostly inputs, outputs, and snuggles, and it sounds like you’ve got all that covered. The details will get easier with more practice.

    5. Rhymes with Mitochondria*

      You sound like you ARE a good parent, you just haven’t developed your confidence yet. That will come. No one feels on top of things when a newborn comes into the family and upends everything. Be kind to yourself as you learn and find your way. The learning curve is steep at first, but it will flatten out some over time.
      Hang in there!

    6. Enough*

      My son didn’t like baths either. He w you’d scream from the moment he went till he got out. He did outgrow this fairly quickly. But it did show up later in that he was not one to want to get in the pool. He did take swim lessons without any problem though. In high school he worked a half day kids camp. The last day they always went to the pool and the counselors were all expected to get in the water. Well he never did go in for 3 years running. And really you need to make sure at least one person was watching the children who were not in the pool.

    7. Shrunken Hippo*

      As someone without children but an aunt to my friends’ kids I just want to say that it is okay not to know what you are doing. Also it’s okay to ask others for help! Even if you just need someone to pick up groceries for you, ask your family and friends to help. If someone offers to do something for you say yes (unless it’s something you don’t need/want). No one can do it all themselves, so assemble your village and let them help you through the tough patches.

    8. Kimmybear*

      This is normal. If you had it completely together with a two week old, something would be off. Three outfits per day is a minimum (especially with boys). You are tired, you are getting used to a new routine (set by an 8 pound dictator), and if you gave birth (as opposed to adoption or a spouse giving birth) your hormones are a mess. Do not judge your parenting skills based on 2 weeks.

    9. Thursday Next*

      Two weeks is way too early to expect yourself to feel on top of things! Please give yourself a break. Everything you say sounds completely par for the course. Basically if you are keeping your baby fed and clean, and yourself fed and (Relatively) clean, you’re doing great!

      So for diaper changes, I would put a clean diaper underneath my son, then make sure that he was always shielded either by the dirty diaper, or the clean diaper. (I don’t think I’m explaining this well – basically, I would on strap the dirty diaper, but still kind of hold it above him while wiping, then deftly remove said dirty diaper, and quickly put the clean diaper over him and fasten it.) there are also pee guards that are made specifically for this purpose.

    10. LilySparrow*

      Normal, normal, normal! Being a good parent doesn’t mean you magically have the physical skills to deftly handle a floppy slippery squirmy tiny human who spews body fluids without warning. It comes with practice, and you are getting lots of practice!

      Have you had the moment when you are so tired and don’t know what to do and you think, “I should ask Mom,” and then you realize in a dramatic focus-zoom that YOU.ARE.THE.MOM.

      It’s a head-trip.

      Hang in there and best wishes on the 3 of you.

    11. Anona*

      You are brand new at this! There’s no routine, and you’re in the thick of it. I have a 5 month old, and it gets better. Right now it’s just survival. Hang in there!

      And don’t feel like you have to do baths too often. Like of course wipe your baby down if they’re dirty, but my daughter hates baths. Our pediatrician said once a week is just fine- they don’t play in the dirt yet, so they don’t need it more often.
      If you’re talking about your own baths, I made it a priority to shower. Sometimes she’d be crying, so I’d make it quicker, but I tried to got one in every day.

      Newborns are hard! Hang in there! The beginning is just survival. I remember constantly being covered in various fluids. That improves with time too. Hang in there! This is very normal and you’re doing great.

      1. Parenthetically*

        I just showered when my husband was home, or when the kid was sleeping. Sometimes I’d have to squeeze one in when he was awake, but before he was mobile, it was easy-peasy — I took the pad from the changing table and put it on a towel in the bathroom and laid him on it, and left the shower curtain open enough so I could see him. He liked the sound of the running water, and when he got older (but still was too little to “escape”) I’d give him a toy to play with.

        Being showered and in clean clothes was VITAL to my mental health in those early weeks.

    12. Leukothea*

      I don’t think I bathed my kid in the first few months at all. They don’t really get that dirty until they’re crawling around.

    13. Belle*

      We have an 8 month little boy. One trick that was passed to use was to open the diaper quickly to let the air hit below and then bring it back up and wait a few moments. The cold air hitting is often what triggered him to pee, so this got him to pee in the diaper and then we finished changing him. It works about 95% of the time for us. And making sure his pee shooter is pointing down when putting on the diaper.

    14. Clever Name*

      I’ve been a parent for 12 years, and I still don’t know what the hell I’m doing…. And don’t listen to those people who tell you to “cherish every moment”. Like sometimes being a parent royally sucks. Like truly awful. It’s okay to acknowledge that it’s hard and you don’t love every second of it. You and kiddo will get through it. You can be a good parent and still struggle sometimes.

  38. writing classes*

    What are your thoughts on poetry/fiction writing classes? I took some classes last year and while I learned some, I also found they were a bit of a waste of time in that we would end up spending 8-10 min a week on the piece you prepared in a 2-3 h class. Now there online classes so that would probably solve the problem of having to be physically present but I don’t know if that affects the total feedback time. The main benefit was having to have something ready for the next class. I’m a beginner writer, I want/need feedback but also need to write more in general. I’m also middle aged so kind of want to get going with this new passion but have constraints of work/obligations/money etc. Am I overlooking other options? Is there a way to hire a private teacher (and how does one find them?)

    1. Foreign Octopus*

      I’m not a huge fan of writing classes because it’s never focused enough for what I need and you have to split the time with other students. It might be better if you’re taking specific classes such as Character Development, Editing Your Work, etc.

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        (This is so annoying! My comments keep sending before I finish them!)

        However, my brother did let me know about Masterclass. It’s an online course that seems to be more access to interviews, videos, recorded classes by authors such as Neil Gaiman and Margaret Atwood that seems more fitting to me. I don’t know if it is for you, but it might be worth checking out.

        It’s a little steep for me though ($100 for a class but $200 for a year’s full-access).

    2. Weegie*

      Look for a writers group instead! It might take a while to find one whose members will give good feedback and be patient while you learn to critique their work, but other than a small membership fee it won’t cost you anything.

    3. Loopy*

      Honestly I think this depends on the teacher, which isn’t super helpful. I was a creative writing minor in college and found one good teacher and stuck with him like glue. The actual helpful part of this was that in my setting I got one on one feedback and revision guidance over a period of time. That was the key part- that you can keep working with this person beyond a set class period of 1-3 months if desired. I think it really took regular work over a few years to really develop a sense of putting my finger on what wasn’t working and learn to revise like a professional.

      Not sure how feasible this is to attain outside of a traditional undergrad setting but if you do hunt for private teachers I’d find one that is open to longer on going arrangements if its desired.

  39. Allegra*

    I have a question for everyone! At the place-we-don’t-name, at the end of my weekly lecture to college students, I give them an “adulting tip.” Past examples have included “it’s your job to clean the lint trap AFTER your dryer load,” “here is how to register to vote online,” and sharing a link to an article about Ring Theory (comfort in, dump out.) This week might be how to peel ginger (with a spoon.)

    Do you have any other tips? What sorts of things did you need to be told about how to operate as a polite or efficient adult in the world?

    1. Traffic_Spiral*

      Hm… different laundry soap for front and top loading machines, and how to flip breaker switches?

      1. WellRed*

        Second the breaker switches. I have shown more 30 year olds that than I ever would have thought possible. Advantage of growing up in an old house, maybe.

          1. misspiggy*

            And when you go away for a few days – especially if you’re in a place where pipes might freeze and then burst….

      2. Not Alison*

        This is a new one on me. What laundry soaps are you supposed to use for top loaders vs. side loaders?

        2. Enough*

          And you want to use liquid not powder in front loaders. But that’s becoming more and more of a non issue.

        3. The Man, Becky Lynch*

          Mind blown…

          Thank God for pods because I cannot remember to check for symbols on the detergents!

        4. Traffic_Spiral*

          When you buy the box of detergent, check for a picture. It’ll have a picture of the type of washing machine it’s for (if it can be used for both, it’ll show both).

      3. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Old-fashioned fuses too. Still in some older places.
        How about check the oil in your car frequently so your can top it off and identify a problem before your car burns itself up.

        1. LilySparrow*

          Oh, and speaking of older homes/apartments with outdated equipment: how to safely light a manual pilot light. I had a roommate blow her eyebrows off because she just turned the gas oven on and then lit a match.

          We were both extremely lucky it was just her eyebrows.

    2. Middle School Teacher*

      How to see a button back on. Basics to be kept in a pantry all the time. How to hem pants. How to check the oil in your car. (My grade 8 classes asked how to file taxes, but that might be too in-depth for a tip.)

    3. Forking great username*

      Fundamental attribution error! The psych students will already know it, but I feel it’s worth discussing. It’s about how you process your own actions versus other peoples’ actions. The error is that many people see things like this:
      Something good happens to them: They’re such an awesome person, hard worker, deserved it, etc.
      Something good happens to someone else: That person got lucky.

      Something bad happens to them: That was just bad luck or someone else’s fault.
      Something bad happens to someone else: That person must have done something to deserve the bad thing.

      Obviously making these assumptions is a pretty unpleasant way to go through life. It can apply to other things too – like if someone is being grouchy towards you, do you assume that they must be having a bad morning, or that they’re a bad person?

      And also worth noting – some people do the opposite of this, always giving others the benefit of a doubt while looking down on themself. This is a warning sign for depression and of course also not a healthy outlook. Trying to find a healthy middle ground in how you view yourself and others is the key!

      2. Dr. Anonymous*

        I would note Marty seligman’s work on attribution error, though. People whose attribution errors put themselves in a more positive light are happier and more successful. And kinder, if I recall.

    4. Never*

      Since a lot of people apparently don’t know this: When you are a guest at someone’s house, leave things as you found them. For instance, if the toilet seat was down when you went to use their bathroom, put it down again when you leave.

    5. Parenthetically*

      Nobody thinks about you as much as you think about you, because they’re all thinking of THEMSELVES as much as you think of you. Most freeing revelation I ever had.

      How to name and organize computer files? “essay” is not a good filename, saving everything to your desktop or in one digital pile in your pre-existing documents folder is not a good strategy.

      The power of compounding interest? If you put $20/wk in a don’t-touch-it account starting now… etc.

      1. Allegra*

        This made me laugh, because college students absolutely name everything “essay”…or “essay classname” which does not help the professor one bit!

      1. Trixie*

        This, and keeping all financial matters front and center. Meaning, keeping track of loan papers, due dates, etc. Emergency funds. Paying off debts sooner vs purchasing non-required items.

      1. Parenthetically*

        See, I think this is an obsolete skill. My husband (age 35) has written one check in his life. I stopped balancing my checkbook when online banking became a thing. Budgeting, making sure your expenses don’t exceed your income, for sure, though.

        1. Asenath*

          I balance my accounts using my money management software. I haven’t actually caught the bank out when their balance and mine don’t agree, but balancing the account rather than simply taking their figures for granted gives me a kind of acceptance that, yes, I did make the mistake, and the satisfaction that now I know my figures and the bank’s are both the same and correct. I don’t do in manually in a checkbook. I do still have a checkbook, although I write very few cheques any more.

          1. Me75*

            Reviewing your bank statements is important as I did catch the bank making an error in the past 2 yrs or so. Reviewing medical bills and the such is also important, so you don’t end up paying for a test you never got for example.

            1. fposte*

              I think reviewing statements makes sense, but balancing isn’t likely to be worth the time it takes on monthly statements, whether they be bank accounts or credit cards or power bills.

        2. LilySparrow*

          I often hear this phrase used as shorthand for “reconciling your bank account and your budget.” Not just a literal reference to paper checks. Reconciling still needs to be done, no matter what the technology is.

    8. Koala dreams*

      You can eat the skin of the ginger! That has saved me a lot of time. How to peel pomegranate and how to clean windows are good topics. As well as phone numbers for the various emergency services and where you call about what. And what doesn’t constitute an emergency.

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        I was scrolling up and saw the first line and since I’m obsessed wiht Ed sheeran I really thought this meant “you can eat skin of gingers (the people).” and then I had to just stop and scroll and read this thread

        Thanks for the laugh.

      1. AcademiaNut*

        Also how to format a formal letter (snail mail or email) so that you know how when needed, like when corresponding with a potential employer.

    10. littlest raccoon*

      i love this! these kind of tips are little nuggets of gold, yet rarely taught (registering, cooking, ways of thinking/relating, general day-to-day stuff.) a recycling refresher? (or even composting? maybe not a full-on lesson but just “hey this is a thing that exists”), where to dispose batteries/electronics, alternatives to disposable items? ways to save money at home (drain catch = not having to call plumber, window plastic = lowering heating costs, etc?) also, now picturing professionals from non-academic fields popping to say one small tip and amazing everyone.

    11. Ranon*

      How to lift the lid of the toilet tank and make it flush if the mechanism is broken. Also where on the toilet to turn the water is off if it just keeps running.

      1. Ranon*

        Also, how to use a fire extinguisher, where to find resources on disaster preparedness in your area, first aid kits- a good idea!, how to write a thank you note and when, how to answer a phone professionally, how to leave a voicemail that sounds professional and contains the crucial information, renters insurance and why you might need it (kids living in dorms who also live with parents with homeowner’s insurance don’t generally)

    12. Ewesername*

      OMG – we’ve done this with new hires. (We hire a lot of at risk youth)
      Some of last year’s list was:
      1. How to use mass transit
      2. Budgets that let you have fun but pay all your bills
      3. Registration for voting
      4. Hemming pants
      5. Making rice that isn’t crunchy (that was a request)
      6. Simple stain removal
      7. How credit cards work
      8. (Which lead to) How bank accounts work
      9.(and then came) What do you mean, I should be saving for retirement.
      The financial ones were fun. They were genuinely dumbfounded by credit card interest.

    13. Asenath*

      Shopping skills. Is it cheaper to buy fresh, frozen or canned peas? Or how much something they are more interested in than they are peas varies in price from store to store, or season to season. Should you buy a winter jacket (if you need one) in the spring sales or wait until the new styles come out in the fall?

    14. Plain Jane*

      Wash/dry clothes with zippers zipped up inside out. I’ve had zippers come right off hoodies in the dryer when i dried them unzipped.

      1. Roja*

        Yes, this. My mom was adamant about this and now so am I, but I know SO few people who do it! It really is a good thing to do.

    15. Anono-me*

      How to use a tire pressure gauge and how to put air in your tires. And that it is especially important in cold weather.

      I would also second how to check all the fluids levels in a car. (Especially not to open a hot rad. cap.)

      Vacuum the bottom front of the fridge.

      WD40 every thing that should move but doesn’t. Duct tape everything that does move but shouldn’t.

      1. Loopy*

        Yes yes yes to the car things. Basic car knowledge is so crucial and often only discovered when you need it or it’s too late!

      2. Kuododi*

        Second on the car care! I would expand that to include actually changing a tire, how to jump start a vehicle, changing oil. I would also include a part on things such as how many miles to go between oil changes and other routine maintenance concerns.
        ie- Generally speaking how long will batteries, break pads and the like last before they succumb to the ravages of time. ( Rule of thumb in order to avoid being stranded at the side of the road. Additionally, knowing to keep up with the routine maintenance will save your students $$ in the long run. ( For example- the $75-$100 ish bill for replacing break pads would not turn into a $300-$400 job bc it was neglected, resulting in having to replace the drums as well…or ignoring the need for oil changes to the point the engine is ultimately destroyed.). Hope this helps!!!

        1. fposte*

          I’d amend/add a little to say “know how to find out that information for the car you’re driving.” The guidance on my fifteen-year-old gas car is very different from my friend’s new diesel.

    16. Kimmybear*

      Learn how to…
      – read a map
      – dial a landline (local and long distance)
      – call for a tow truck (what info do you need to know)
      – avoid pipes freezing (if a cold climate)

      2. Marion Ravenwood*

        Similar to #3 and #4, but how about what to do if your car gets stuck in snow/floodwater, what you should have in the boot for emergencies etc?

    17. LuJessMin*

      Learn how the Post Office operates! It amazes me the number of adults who apparently don’t know how the Post Office works and end up taking forever at the counter.

    20. Pippa*

      For people not from cold climates: How to drive in winter weather.
      For people not familiar with rural areas: Leave a gate the way you found it (Applies to both driving and walking).

      Never buy an iron that doesn’t have an auto-shut-off feature.

    21. JayneRayne*

      AC units have filters. You have to change the filters. I really really wish I’d known that one! How insurance deductibles work. That sometimes when you hang things on the wall you need an anchor screw. Lightbulbs come in different strengths and colors. A spare key with a trusted person can save you a fortune in locksmith charges. Oh man, I could go on!

    22. Iron Chef Boyardee*

      “At the place-we-don’t-name”

      You mean the bathroom?

      Sorry, it’s just that the supposed taboo of saying “work” in the weekend thread is one of my pet peeves. Alison herself has said it’s okay to use the word during the weekend. Although she didn’t say anything directly, I’m sure it’s also fine to refer to your place of employment if you need to, as long as the actual question or topic is not about a workplace issue.

      “During my lunch hour, I like to eat canned pasta straight out of the can without heating it up. Are there any medical or health reasons why I shouldn’t be doing that?” – okay for the weekend

      “My boss gets on my case because during lunch hour I like to eat canned pasta straight out of the can without heating it up. How can I tell him to mind his own business in a way that won’t cost me my job?” – not okay for the weekend

      1. Eleanor Rigby*

        + 1. Your post will not be moderated or deleted for mentioning the word work unless the post is supposed to be in the word thread.

    23. Natalie*

      Given that it’s tax season and you’re dealing with college students, here’s my tip: you almost certainly don’t need to pay someone to do your taxes. Either use IRS Free File or find a VITA volunteer near you and save your money. H&R Block and the like get rich off people that are eligible for better help for free.

    24. Sydney Bristow*

      One I never knew until last year that has become so useful as I rent cars is that the gas indicator light shows which side of the car has the tank. There’s either an arrow or it’s the side with the handle on the image.

    27. Dr. Doll*

      How to plan and execute a simple project consciously, with goals and intention. Students these days have so much more going on than I ever dreamed of that they need strategies that I didn’t need until I was an adult.

      I was well past both my PhD and my postdoc before I ran into “Getting Things Done” and I was like, damn, every academic mentor I ever had just let me muddle through. …but they probably didn’t know how themselves, they were just muddling through too, compensating for lack of planning and efficiency by working 80 hours a week.

    28. JobHunter*

      -How to care for good quality kitchen knives, and the different types of whetstones/sharpeners available. Sharp knives cut anything. Dull knives mostly cut _you_.
      -How to give a cat meds. May be extrapolated to small humans.
      -How coupons work.

    29. Teach*

      How visitations and funerals work and what is commonly said.
      How to break up with someone.
      When and how to write thank you notes.
      How to dress in various temperatures.
      Managing an email inbox.

      1. fposte*

        Oh, I think the visitations and funerals thing is really big. You don’t get a ton of practice on that one and it really matters–people feeling like they’ll do it wrong may stay away when they’re needed.

    30. Janet Snakehole*

      This is one of my favorite AAM threads ever. So much wisdom here.

      I’m not sure how much this would translate to your institution, but I make sure my students know the free campus services they can access. Things like our food bank, free used professional attire, campus counseling, free period products.

  40. lapgiraffe*

    Do I finally break up with an old friend?

    Long version, I’ve put some distance in between myself and a woman I was extremely close with, someone I used to see multiple times a week and shared a lot of hobbies and interests with, but who was also incredibly needy and dependent on me. When I first started pulling away it coincided with her relationship getting more serious, and some major disruptions in my life overall (work, home), so I took the easy way of letting “life” slow down our relationship without being honest with her that I was exhausted by her and what our friendship had become.

    I managed to only see her in person four times last year, and even that felt like too much. I thought having some space would help, but the thought of spending time with her makes me sick to my stomach. It’s not the actual time, because for the first half hour or so I’m always pleased to see her, there’s a reason we were friends in the first place. What makes me nauseous is the thought of getting sucked back into the drama vortex, and it’s a classic give an inch, take a mile scenario – if I open the door to her even just a smidge she comes crashing into the room with piles of emotional and mental problems.

    For instance, texting is a major problem. I’ve managed to pull back and not respond to many things, putting lots of time between responses, not indulging in trivial texts and only responding to important things, and even then keeping it short and to the point. But since I haven’t decided to just totally ghost her, I do occasionally respond to something and it unleashes an unending cascade of texts. It’s clear she’s lonely, and she needs therapy but stopped because she’s broke, she’s broke because she is comically bad at life, she’s bad at life and needs your help constantly, it never stops!!!

    I wanted to think I could just not be as close to her and we’d settle into an occasional catch up kind of friend, but this is clearly not working. To say she doesn’t handle criticism well is a giant understatement, so between that and other past relationships in her life I know that being direct is going to make her go scorched earth. What am I going to do with this woman???

    1. WellRed*

      Ouch. This is tough and yet you say the thought of spending time with her makes you sick to your stomach. Can you go back to the slow fade?

      1. lapgiraffe*

        I’ve begun to try again in earnest but she’s starting to ask to get together more often and it’s getting harder to dodge the question. Like she just started a short term project in a part of the city I used to cover (outside sales) but really don’t anymore (and let’s just add that to the pile of problems, she’s so dense and/or self involved that she doesn’t even remember that it’s been two years since I worked there at all, and it was exclusively at one company that completely dissolved and I was laid off from, get it together!) and she texts me about how much she likes this new gig and how I should meet her nearby (in the area I never work in) for an after work drink, and I just totally dodge it with some Olympic level conversation gymnastics where I never say yes or no I just say something totally unrelated (I’m a coward). But the asks keep coming, she’s not only not getting the hint, she’s doubling down on asking since we so rarely see each other.

        1. fposte*

          This is where a specific plan can be tactical (assuming, again, that you’d wish to do it). “I don’t see the drink happening, but let’s meet for lunch in May when I get a break from this project!” Then two things: first, you don’t have to respond to a text, even if it’s a suggestion for a meetup, just because she sends it; second, if you do, the litany is “No can do, but lunch in May!”

          My impression is she feels you slipping away so she’s trying to hold tighter. I don’t think you can change that, especially as you may indeed be slipping completely away, but you can at least take control over setting the kind of communication and socializing schedule that *you* want rather than just running away from the one she’s waving at you.

    2. Foreign Octopus*

      I’m having a similar situation in my life but the friend I’m pulling back on isn’t so much drama filled more the fact that she stomps across my boundaries but is a genuinely nice person.

      In my case, I’ve just pulled back on all communication. I misplaced my phone after Christmas and I haven’t bothered replacing it (I never used it anyway and prefer to communicate via email which isn’t a problem for my job/family) so I haven’t had to field the copious amounts of texts. I live in a very rural area so it’s difficult for me to get anyway and her to get to me without a minefield of problems so that solves that.

      However, she is very good friends with my parents, which is part of the reason I’ve pulled back on the friendship because I realised that she was gossiping with my mum about things I’d told her in confidence and things I’d told my mum in confidence and I really don’t like to cross streams like that; her friendship makes it difficult to pull back completely but I’m transitioning her to being my mum’s friend more than my friend and just not engaging when my mum talks about her.

      The problem I have is that she wants a different form of friendship than I do. I wanted to keep her completely separate from my family because I have my family in one column and my friends in another and that’s honestly how I prefer it, though I know not everyone is the same, but she invited herself over when my parents were visiting and the rest is history. It seems that the problem you have is that your friend wants a different type of friendship as well and it’s very, very difficult to redraw the lines of a friendship once they’ve been established.

      I would honestly just ghost her completely (and I know this isn’t for everyone) but you only saw her four times last year so it may not seem unusual to her if you don’t see her this year. I wouldn’t tell her why you’re pulling back on the friendship as you say she’s sensitive and you’ll get the scorched earth response but there isn’t any need to remain friends with someone who drains you and takes up a large amount of your time without giving anything back.

      In my case, I have felt guilty because Jill is a good person: friendly, funny, and helpful but she steamrolls over my boundaries of not coming to my house uninvited (I’ve asked multiple times for her to ask me first) and it just got to the point for me when I had to say enough was enough.

      Do what’s best for you. You can’t be responsible for managing her emotions.

      1. lapgiraffe*

        A lot of this resonated, I think you’re right that we want different relationships and it’s hard to rewire how we define our friendship. But sadly I am attached to my phone 24/7, she lives way too close for comfort, and we have enough mutual friends that it’s reasonable to assume we’ll see each other in the future. And I think she’s seeing last year as an anomaly driven by outside factors, and now that the chaotic life changes have settled thstbwe can resume our norms friendship activities, and this is why the texts and the requests to get together are coming more and more frequently. Le sigh…

        1. ..Kat..*

          You can just be slow to reply to texts. And, if you don’t want to get into details that will cause her to go scorched earth as you say, just tell her that you are really busy (with job or family or something – but you don’t have to be specific – in fact, vague can be better) and you don’t see yourself being able to get together for several months. And then just repeat this each time.

    3. fposte*

      Can you say “I’m not up for social texting these days, but let’s plan a lunch in May” and then ignore her texts until it’s time for setting up lunch?

      If that won’t work, or if that still makes you dread the thought of her, then I’d say it’s time to separate from her. I don’t think that friendship needs an exit interview, so I have no problem with a drift that doesn’t get spelled out or justified, but if you really feel you need to, I’d go with “I don’t have the time to give to this friendship the way you’d like.”

      1. lapgiraffe*

        I like all of your ideas, great suggestions! I’ve hesitated to put this question out there for weeks but it’s so great to get an objective perspective, thanks!

      2. Hello*

        I think that what had been close relationships, in any context, deserve an exit interview, as you phrase it. I had a friend ghost where I could not identify anything had done to offend her. It really bothered me. I understand that sometimes a person ghosting has nothing to do with the person being ghosted, things are happening in the ghosting persons life that may be causing them to step back from everyone. But unless you know that, and reasonably caring person will wonder what happened. I don’t think people are disposable and being sensitive to the feelings of someone you had been close to is a good thing.

    4. Aphrodite*

      Be honest with her; that’s the most respectful thing you can do. It will hurt her–there’s no way around that–but when a friend once did that to me for pretty much the same reason, she was direct and kind. She said she loved me but just couldn’t take the drama in my life. I was really, truly hurt and it was years before I could acknowledge that she actually did me a big favor because I started to look at my life. There was a lot of drama, and I was encouraging it and then dumping the emotional part of it on here. It was far from fair. Now, a couple of decades later, I realize how much effort it took for her to do this and I respect her for finding the courage to do it. It was not easy for either of us and ultimately it did break the friendship permanently but I can say today it was the best thing she ever did for me.
      (Note: Perhaps five years later she did call me but I didn’t return the call. I wasn’t angry but I also wasn’t sure where the line would be if we talked, that I wouldn’t know (yet) where I went from friendly chat to sharing drama. I just couldn’t trust myself at that point to understand that yet and I would always be on pins and needles, afraid of saying too much despite being on a good road to being a better person.)

      1. fposte*

        I think if lap feels she can do that, that’s a really kind thing to do. I just want to make sure she doesn’t feel that that’s the price of exit from the friendship; even if she doesn’t feel up to this, she can stop being friends.

          1. The Other Dawn*

            I agree. I think the best thing to do is be direct and end it. It’s not a kindness to pull back and not tell someone what’s going on. It usually makes the person try to hold on and engage even more. By OP not being direct, Friend just assumes that OP is just going through a busy time and they’ll eventually be able to hang out more.

            1. TL -*

              But this isn’t friendship drift, really. Friendship drift is when both parties invest less over time (sometimes as a response to the other’s lack of investment) but it’s generally slower and both parties drift away, maybe at different rates but both moving towards less contact. If OP had been initiating less and her friend responded by initiating less, then I’d say keep doing that. But that’s not what’s happening.

              I think this is more like…she wants the friendship to stop now and that’s a friendship break up. A conversation would be nice.

              1. fposte*

                Maybe I’m just more cold-blooded that you all, or maybe this is longer experience with a lot of friendships over the dam, or maybe it’s just that I’m thinking of this situation differently. But there have been lots of people in my life that I wanted to see more of than I did and now don’t see any more. And I vastly prefer to hear “Can’t do, but I’ll call you in spring when I’m available” and then not getting a call to “I’m sorry, I can’t be friends with you,” and I’m not at all convinced the latter is inherently kinder than the former.

                1. fposte*

                  Oh, I wonder if this is at all related to Guess vs. Ask? At work, I’m Ask, but in relationships I’m inference all the way.

                2. The Other Dawn*

                  I guess it depends on the person. I’d much rather someone tell me they no longer want to be friends, because then I’d have closure. I know the friendship is over and I can move on. Whereas if someone told me they’re not available now but they’ll call in a few months, that would lead me to believe that the person is just busy and will have more time for me in a few months.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        And sometimes, too, certain people feel like a link to a different time or mindset. Interaction with them can pull a person through a time warp and they are back where things used to be.

        I had a person who thrived on drama. I found myself getting to be a drama-monger. In the end, I concluded we fed each other’s issues but in different ways and not toward a good ends. The confusing part was initially I thought the relationship was helpful, time proved that wrong. I can’t go back to my person because I can’t go back to the mindset I was using when we were friends.

        OP, there is nothing wrong with saying, “I don’t think I can be the friend you need me to be. Meanwhile I am standing in the way of that person who might be able to be a better friend to you. I feel that I need to take some steps back to allow that process to happen.”

        And it is true. Sometimes we can unwittingly block other people from progressing forward in life with what they need to actually handle. We have to get out of the way. We can’t assume that no one will ever help your friend, OP, because we can’t prove that. All we can know is that you can’t help your friend for various reason including the fact that she won’t let you. Maybe she will let someone else.

    5. Annonymous*

      To me, ghosting doesn’t seem the right solution. Could you find a way to be honest about your feelings and let her know you’ll always care for her but can’t emotionally support her any longer? Being gentle and kind and breaking up with her the same way you would a non platonic friend? Friendships evolve throughout our lives. Let this one go with as much grace as you can. Then change your phone number and remove your social media for a while. Any friendship/relationship that makes you feel ill isn’t healthy for you. Or her. Good luck to you.

      1. Hello*

        I do agree with this. No one has to keep anyone in their life whom they no long love or care about, but there is no need to be unkind or cruel. Ghosting is both.

  41. Death sucks*

    Sad week. Found out about a death in the family of one of my few relatives who I actually like as much as I love if that makes sense. Really struggling both with grief and with anger and with awe at her strength: she was diagnosed with terminal cancer almost a year ago and she and her husband chose not to tell really anyone outside their kids as far as I know and just live her life till that became impossible (apparently about six weeks ago when she went on hospice care). We live in the same city and I’ve seen and spoken to both spouses many times over that time span. I know full well a) that I don’t get to be angry about the way someone I love and admire handled these impossible decisions and b) not being told had nothing to do with me. Nonetheless, there’s anger and hurt feelings mixed in with the grief and then I get annoyed with myself over that and round and round. But the question.

    The surviving spouse and I are pretty close plus I’m local which most other immediate family is not. Their kids are twenty-somethings and just went back to their respective schools and lives. I feel like this immediate period is going to be really rough—being alone for the first time really in adult life—and I want to be a good friend and support but I also really really don’t want to burden with my own emotions that come from grappling with news he had a year ago, or aforementioned hurt feelings etc. How do I navigate that?

      1. Death sucks*

        Yes, of course. I’m just not sure I’m holding it together well enough to compartmentalize my own reactions/emotions at this moment but I also don’t want to avoid the widowed spouse right now when I think need is acute. Plus I don’t know, given how private they’ve been, how much information is going to what other family members so I’m reluctant to say much elsewhere in the family without permission.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Anger is a part of grief. It can be one of the stages of grief. Anger can be legit, or anger can be a substitute for tears.
      I tend to believe that at the bottom of all anger is tears. Not everyone would agree.

      My suggestion is to do a few rounds with gloves and a punching bag. Or go out for long and HARD walks. Burn up that energy that comes with anger and see where that puts you.

      While I understand why the family kept it secret, I am not a fan of that approach. I say this a the adult child who had to keep serious illness of one parent and terminal illness of another parent a secret from most of my family. The burden it place on me was HUGE. It almost crushed me. Finally, I caved and started telling people. To my parents I said, “I. Can’t. Do.This!” [meaning keep it all secret]. I said it through clenched teeth, tears and shaking.
      You may find out that the husband realizes he made a huge mistake in agreeing to secrecy. OTH, what is done is done. And this is one of the thousand reasons death can end relationships and forge new relationships.
      Process the raw part of your anger and grief. Even taking regular walks for a short time each day will help you to gather your thoughts.
      Respect your own emotions. This means acknowledge them, as you are doing here. “Yes. I feel anger.” “Yes, I feel a huge sense of loss and heartbroken.” I know it sounds stupid to be saying this to yourself, but it’s important that we do not deny, or suppress which ever emotion we happen to have. It’s an emotion, it’s not an action.
      Go slowly and carefully. There are no right or wrong answers here. Your next choices are what they are, just as their choice to keep a secret is what it is.

      Personally, I feel bad for those kids, too. But that is my bias coming into play.

      Very sorry for your loss and very sorry to hear how this was handled.

    3. BuildMeUp*

      I think in regards to your question, it’s important to not take on more than you can handle. Some days you might not feel up to being their support, and that’s fine. If you get burnt out, you won’t be any help at all.

      Are you able to book a few sessions with a therapist, where you could talk through everything you’re feeling and get a chance to process it with someone outside of the situation?

      I do want to say that while I agree it was your relative’s choice to make, it’s totally normal and understandable for you to feel the way you’re feeling! I’m sure it was a shock, and it’s going to take time for those intense feelings to fade, especially since they’re intrinsically tied in with your grief. I think acknowledging and trying to accept those feelings might make it easier to move past them.

  42. Never*

    Has anyone bought birth control online? What kinds of questions do they ask? Do they ask for your medical records?

    1. Forking great username*

      I have. I used Lemonaid Health for birth control when I was having trouble finding a good doctor. They had me fill out a form about my medical history, did a two minute video consultation, and then sent the prescription to my pharmacy. It was very simple and inexpensive! They did not ask for any kind of records.

    2. The Man, Becky Lynch*

      Most places don’t ask for record any more, everything is electronic and most of the times a medical provider has access without the traditional “transfer” of records.

    3. CatCat*

      I use Nurx and I love it. There was a short health questionnaire and I had to give them a recent blood pressure reading (I did that at one of the free machines at Rite Aid). I didn’t have to send any medical records. Super simple and when I’ve had a medical question related to the birth control, I’ve been able to ask it online and get a response from a doctor or nurse. I’ve found it both convenient and supportive.

    4. ..Kat..*

      Another option in the USA (I think it varies by state), you can be prescribed birth control pills by a pharmacist. They need basic medical info: what medications are you taking, what medications are you allergic to, major medical problems (such as diabetes). Your pharmacist already knows this info about you if you have regular prescriptions.

  43. Anonadog*

    I could use some advice about my mother.

    My mother and father are still married but don’t have a great relationship. My mother has complained to me about him for years. She has validity for her complaints: He is addicted to painkillers and sometimes finds his own medicines outside of his prescriptions, which has drained nearly all their savings. He’s lazy. He rambles. He’s annoying.

    I get it. But he’s my father, and I think it crosses boundaries for her to complain about him to me. I’ve told her this, as far back as ten years ago when I moved out of their house – to which she said in response that I was abandoning her to him and that I must be “done” with her and ready for her to die.

    Have I mentioned she has zero close friends or family members she confides in?

    She and my father are staying with us for two weeks, and at dinner last night she made a snarky comment about how I sometimes fake interest in things when she’s taking. I asked her about it privately later and she was referring to my reactions when she complains about my father, and how it hurts her when I don’t seem to care and that makes it seem like I don’t believe her. She said that she knows how I don’t like to hear it, but don’t I realize how hurtful it is to HER that I don’t like to hear it because she has no one else to talk to and don’t I want to know he’s on drugs?

    TLDR: My mother complains to me about my father and gets upset when I tune it out. I just don’t know how to handle this with her, both in the near term (they are staying with us for two weeks) and long term (this has been going on for ten years),

    1. Parenthetically*

      to which she said in response that I was abandoning her to him and that I must be “done” with her and ready for her to die.

      OY.

      “Mom, I love you. I am the wrong person to talk to about this. I want you to have an outlet, I want you to be able to process this stuff, but I am not the right person to do that because I can’t be objective when you’re talking about my DAD, and because I have no expertise to guide you. I’ve made a list of online therapy options for you, and found some other therapist’s offices close to you (that will take your insurance, that operate on a sliding scale fee system, etc. if needed). I think having an objective listener who can hear you out without any skin in the game might be really helpful. I want to talk to you about anything else, and I think this topic is just taking up too much of our time together. So I’m happy to help you call these resources so you can actually DEAL with this stuff in a productive way.”

      Or, if you know she won’t respond well to that:

      “Mom, for my own mental health I have to put a time limit on this conversation. What if I gave you 15 minutes to vent freely, I’ll listen with all my energy, and then when the time’s up, we talk about literally anything else.”

    2. fposte*

      “Mom, I know it hurts you that I can’t help you with this. But it doesn’t change that I can’t help you with this. What I *can* help with is suggestions about meeting more people for social support or therapy.”

    3. Red Sky*

      I’m sorry you’re going thru this. It sounds like your mom is using you as a dumping ground for all her negative feelings about your father, and that’s not ok or healthy for any child, not matter their age. It’s not your job to be her therapist or best friend. Can you set a firm boundary where you tell her unequivocally that you’re not here for the trash talking of dad and if she starts to do it again you’ll have to end the conversation? It’ll be hard in the beginning because she’ll try to guilt you, but if you’re consistent in ending the conversation when she does it and if she truly wants to have a positive relationship with you she’ll eventually get it. Also, find a conversational subject you both enjoy so she has an attention reward for good behavior. Suggesting she seek out Al-Anon or counseling might be helpful too.

    4. Not Alison*

      Mom, I love you but I can’t listen to you talk negatively about Dad. You picked him to be my Dad – and it hurts me that you talk about him like that. I love him just as much as I love you. I don’t listen to anyone talk bad about you and starting today, I won’t listen to anyone talk bad about Dad. If you start talking about Dad I will hang up the phone and if we are in the same room, I will leave the room. I love you but it hurts me too much when you talk bad about the Dad that you picked for me.

      Best to say this on the phone to her before she comes for a 2-week visit.

    5. The Man, Becky Lynch*

      Woah…I’m glad you got some good scripts from others. If it’s really bothersome to you to that extent, you may need to distance yourself even more from her.

      I think it’s reasonably pretty upsetting that she has an addicted spouse and her children want to bury their heads in the sand though. She needs to be pointed in the right direction for assistance if you’re not even willing to be her shoulder to lean on.

      I guess my relationship with my parents is super different because I hear both of their problems and it doesn’t make me uncomfortable. We are a family unit and we love each other, talking to me is their way of working through their issues. You’re an adult now, adult children shouldn’t be shielded and treated like kids. That’s how you get “surprise, we’ve been miserable for years and now we’re divorcing” landslides.

      1. Parenthetically*

        I think it’s the broken record of complaint and then doing nothing about it, plus Anonadog being mom’s only outlet. She clearly wants to be supportive, but this has been going on for more than a decade. Anonadog has every right to draw a hard boundary here.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          I can see both points here.
          Unless mom wants to take a specific action to deal with dad’s addiction to scripts there is not much and adult child can do.

          OP, you might ask your mother what she thinks you should be doing. It’s okay to say, “I am not going to listen to endless venting. All I am doing is enabling the status quo.”

          1. ..Kat..*

            Even better, ask Mom what Mom is going to do about it. Just dumping all this on Anonadog (her adult child) is not appropriate.

      2. XB*

        Wow.

        It sucks that Mom is dealing with an addicted spouse. It sucks that she is unhappy and frustrated and upset. None of that makes it OK to dump that on their child who has expressly said they cannot handle it. That is unreasonable, unfair and unkind behaviour from Mom, who needs to seek appropriate support and stop hurting their child.

        Your family has one way to handle this stuff, and that’s fine if it works for all of you. It’s not innately healthier or better for a child to be their parents confidante in this stuff, though. Your comment has a whiff of superiority and dismissiveness to it that is rather unpleasant, and condescending, not to mention unhelpful to Anonadog.

      3. Anonadog*

        I struggle with this perspective too. I want to be there for her, but it’s not just just her telling me about his addiction. It’s saying loudly at the table (with him there) that he was so forgetful he forgot to pack ABC and then did a terrible job with the shirts he packed and she hung them for him and he didn’t even notice she hung them and it would be nice if someone were just GRATEFUL for dealing with all his problems like she does every day.

        It also doesn’t help that I have tried to make suggestions that don’t work out, including:
        – Going to Al-Anon. “I just don’t have time.”
        – Finding a therapist. “It’s just so awkward.”
        – Confiding in a friend. “We don’t have that kind of relationship.”
        – Taking more control of their finances. “He managed that for all our lives. How would I even get started?”
        – Going to a financial planner. They did. I paid for it. “It was good advice but we will never be able to follow all his rules.”

        At this point, she doesn’t want help and she doesn’t want to share updates on how he is doing. She wants to dump, have someone validate her and have empathy for her. And I do, so much. But I think it’s also unreasonable for her only dumping ground to be her child.

        1. Susan Ryan*

          Mom, we are very different. I am a problem solver and I can’t solve this problem for you. What is one thing you enjoy these days? How often do you do it? There is nothing you enjoy? Well, it is time you started with one thing you might enjoy. Just 15 minutes. Look at Pinterest and pick one thing to try. Shall we look at it together? How about now. Let’s Face time and I will help.

        2. Traffic_Spiral*

          Maybe respond to everything with “so what are you going to do about it?”

          Her: “complain, complain, complain.”
          You: “Sounds tough. What are you going to do about it?”
          Her: “But no one understands how tough it is, I’m just left to rot:
          You: “So what are you going to do about it?”
          Her: “How ungrateful! Can’t you just sympathize with me, your poor mother who bore you…”
          You: “Look, you’re in charge of your own life, and you can’t expect different results if you keep doing the same thing. So what are you going to do about it?”

          If you’re feeling extra snarky, you can add “so what do you want me to do about it?”

          1. Blackcat*

            This plus
            “Mom, I’m not your therapist. [change subject]”

            You can also say (if it’s true), “If he’s ever ready to go to rehab, I will be there to support you and him. But as things are now, I am neither qualified nor able to help you.” Then change the subject. And if she doesn’t, you leave. Or kick her out.

            And… I wouldn’t allow an active addict to stay in my home, no matter how close the relationship. That puts you in all sorts of legal jeopardy, particularly if there are children in your home. Either visit them or meet in the middle.

        3. Ann O.*

          Is it possible that it’s not so much that she doesn’t want suggestions, but that what she wants is very hand’s on help? It sounds like both your parents are in a deep hole and unpleasant to be around, so it’s hard to know if you can or should be that person. But maybe if you can sit down with her for a couple of sessions and hold her hand while she works on finances that can help push her out of the hole of feeling so overwhelmed by her life.

          Also, I know it sounds so obvious, but what about therapy for you? I have a lot of empathy for your parents, sounding like they feel trapped in a very unhappy marriage and unhappy existence, but that is definitely not a problem you can solve for them. So it may be helpful for you to work with a therapist to figure out what boundaries you feel good about drawing (like possibly saying no the next time they want to come for two weeks, which is a long time for house guests that you love having, or maybe having only one of them come).

          1. ..Kat..*

            Anonadog already paid for a financial consultant for her parents. Mom decided it was just too much work to follow the recommendations.

            I really like your therapy suggestions.

      4. Traffic_Spiral*

        The mom can divorce the dad if she doesn’t want to deal with him any more. She can also seek professional counseling. Endlessly ranting at her daughter is not an option.

      5. LilySparrow*

        OP doesn’t want to bury her head in the sand. She wants appropriate boundaries around the gory details of her parents’ toxic relationship. This is both healthy and normal.

        If you are in a family that lovingly discusses their feelings or money troubles and problem-solves in a constructive way, you are in a completely different situation to OP. Please don’t project your experience onto her obviously entirely opposite one.

        OTOH, if you are enmeshed in a hot mess of addiction, blameshifting, learned helplessness and verbal abuse like the OP is, and you think she should just suck it up and take it better because that is a child’s obligation? Then I’d gently suggest you should also seek out some IRL support to unpack that very problematic and unsustainable set of assumptions, before the wheels come off in your own life. Because they will.

    6. Anonadog*

      Thank you all for the advice and scripts. I wish I had this conversation before she came. Oh well. I’ll have it with her the next time we’re in private together on this visit. Wish me luck.

      2. ..Kat..*

        Good luck. Also, don’t feel bad if you stumble when you have these conversations. It is hard to get right – especially the first time. Mom has trained you to be her dumping ground. It will take work to untrain yourself.

        Also, please ignore the people who are calling you cold and unfeeling. People with normal relations with their families don’t get how bad dysfunctional families can get. Such people mean well, but just don’t understand. Such people will push you to reconcile, or just listen to your mother, or just do some other loving thing that a normal adult child from a normal acting family will do.

        Have you considered Al Anon for yourself? And/or therapy?

        Captain Awkward also has good ideas and scripts for how to set boundaries on this stuff.

    7. LilySparrow*

      You can’t make her have friends or understand appropriate emotional boundaries. You can’t make her feel okay about setting limits when she doesn’t want limits.

      But you can set them anyway, and I think you are quite right to want to.

      “Mom, it’s impossible for me to be an objective listener or your main source of support about your relationship with Dad. I’m too close to the situation, and I love you both. I know you’re having a hard time and I want you to get the support you need. I’m just not the right person.

      If you want, I can help you find a support group or a counselor who can be there for you in the ways that I can’t. I can find you a local Nar-Anon meeting (or whatever practical support you are willing and able to offer). ”

      The follow up to this is that you have to ignore all her snarky comments and not get dragged into arguments about them. (Like, “Oh, Mom, of course I don’t hate you and want you to die. See, here I am proving how much I love you!”) She will go on making these manipulative remarks until she gets tired of it and gives up (which might be never). You have to resist the urge to respond according to the script, and just let them wash over you or develop a boring standard non-reply (Captain Awkward is great for this stuff).

      Distancing yourself from her venting also means distancing yourself from her demands and criticism. You will probably need IRL support yourself for that transition. It isn’t easy.

    8. Asenath*

      I used to try to fix the “problems” when my mother complained about my siblings. Finally, I said that I wasn’t going to get in the middle of whatever the problem was, and she’d have to take it up with the sibling in question. Eventually, she accepted this – most of the time. I quit trying to play referee.

    9. Quandong*

      I’m sorry you’re in this pattern with your mother, and that your dad is addicted to painkillers, and that they are both visiting you for so long.

      Captain Awkward has very useful scripts as others have mentioned. I also encourage you to seek therapy for yourself, because you deserve support from a professional as you break out of old patterns of interaction with your parents. And in my experience, people who have been the beneficiaries of one’s emotional labour and attention can be reluctant to accept new boundaries. Having a therapist’s support has helped me enormously in working towards a healthy relationship with my parents (they are in a highly dysfunctional relationship and like to air all their grievances in front of bystanders).

  44. Rhymes with Mitochondria*

    Online therapy companies: BetterHelp or TalkSpace? (Or something else entirely, those are just the two I know about at this point) Distance and transportation is going to be a factor so that’s why we’re exploring online options.

    1. Jane of All Trades*

      I’ve only tried TalkSpace, but I like it a lot. You go through a very brief intake questionnaire, and are then matched with a counselor. You can text them or send voicemails, and depending on the plan you will also be able to do skype sessions. I really like my counsellor, and I like that I get more regular responses than I would in a weekly session with an IRL therapist. I would say though, that if you have a very acute situation, talking to somebody in person might be better. My therapist and I are more working on long-term mental health goals and check-ins, which works well for me.

      1. Rhymes with Mitochondria*

        Not really long term, I have a college age son who took a summer job leading rafting tours in a fairly remote place (several hours drive from any towns with populations in the 4+ digit range…) and I’m concerned about him going that long without the weekly sessions he does now. Would like to have another option to suggest to get him through the summer if he is struggling and comes to me for help. (In the past, he has come to me and I’m no therapist and cannot really help him the way his therapist does, plus it is hard on me.) Heard of these from various podcast apps and thought it might be a decent option to have on hand if he is struggling while up there.

      2. Natalie*

        You can also use a standard computer. My husband uses Talkspace and was able to download an app for his Windows laptop so he could use a full size keyboard sometimes.

    2. Roja*

      I tried BetterHelp, and I really wanted it to work. I liked the concept and the cost. Unfortunately, the therapist I was matched with no-showed both my first appointment AND the reschedule for said first appointment, and it didn’t really matter how bad she felt that her calendar didn’t show her our appointments (what, your memory doesn’t exist? We just booked the reschedule less than 24 hours ago!), I was done. I’m still really proud that in the midst of my issues I was able to stick up for myself–I told her our relationship was supposed to be based on trust, and she’d already lost too much to repair the relationship. All of the other therapists (like 10+) that was I was interested in were fully booked, so thus ended my week fling with BH. Thankfully, I eventually found an in-person therapist and am doing really well now. I told her the story early on and her eyes bugged out. Luckily she’s very reliable, lol.

      I still think you should try it if you want to though! BH does have a week free trial so that little hullabaloo didn’t cost me anything, and it was definitely worth a shot even if it didn’t work out for me personally. The ability to chat and write messages is such a good idea, and I wish I had that sometimes.

  45. TechWorker*

    Im in the US on business and working silly hours during the week but mostly avoiding the pressure to come in Sunday’s (why my company thinks this makes a productive or happy workforce idk). I don’t drive and where the office is is a little.. dead.. especially without a car. (There’s a few restaurants and stuff but not much to do on the weekend). Some colleagues/friends offered I could stay with them (in nearby city) for the weekend – and even better I worked out last night a school friend happens to be here at the same time. (From Europe, she is currently working in Canada so we don’t overlap much). Well needed break coming up! :)

    1. anon24*

      Worst: Had a truly odd migraine that lasted 3 days. 3 days of vertigo, fatigue, pain, blurry vision and nausea. For one of those days I also had difficulty talking, having moments when I either couldn’t talk at all or different words were coming out of my mouth than I meant to say. I also was having this difficulty typing, as different words were coming out. I also had zero reading comprehension. It was weird. I woke up Friday and it was pretty much gone but I still don’t feel right. My migraines have been getting worse lately and I scheduled an appointment with my doctor but unfortunately that’s not til the end of the month.

      Best:. Yesterday was almost 60 degrees! I walked to the park and couldn’t resist playing on the swing set. I felt so peaceful and content. I live for the simple moments. Life is hard and overwhelming and not what I planned but it is so so beautiful and I am so blessed.

      2. Pippa*

        I second what Wishing You Well says: that might not be a migraine. I don’t want to be alarmist, or break the good rule about not giving armchair medical diagnoses on the internet, and IANAD, etc., but … I once had that very specific symptom of trying to speak and write words and having different words come out of my mouth and onto the paper. I also suddenly lost the ability to read. In my case, it was brain injury caused by an accident. It healed quickly and I’m fine now, so I don’t mean to frighten you, but I’m glad you have that doctor’ appointment.

        1. anon24*

          Thanks all. I’ve had these type of headaches before and was told by the specialist that it was “normal”. Recently 2 different co-workers told me it sounds more like cancer or a tumor. Because of work I can’t go any sooner, but I’m definitely pushing for an MRI.

      3. RedBlueGreenYellow*

        I hope the doctor’s appointment is helpful, and you get good treatment options. I just wanted to say that my mom’s migraines give her aphasia that sounds a lot like what you experienced, and her neurologist said that it is a more common migraine symptom than many laypeople think! It’s scary to experience, but may not be a sign of anything seriously wrong.

    2. Mimmy*

      Worst: Been sick since coming back from Orlando, nearly 2 weeks. Still have lingering cough and laryngitis. Doctor follow-up this Tuesday.

      Best: Finished all required credits for a certification I’m pursuing! Now awaiting the instructions to sit for the exam. Eeeeeek, am I really doing this??!

    3. Elizabeth West*

      WORST: The job I really wanted rejected me. So much for getting out of here. The other one hasn’t contacted me so I’m assuming it’s also a no.

      BEST: Nothing, except I had my hair done yesterday and it looks really nice today.

    4. CatCat*

      Worst: Inflammation in my foot flared up this week and has been regularly for a few months. I know from this happening many years ago what causes it and that the remedy is surgical. I’m hoping it will go away eventually like it did years ago and I can avoid foot surgery.

      Best: Hit 30 lbs lost on my fat loss journey. It’s taken over a year and I’ve got a ways to go, but it made me feel optimistic about my path forward (and that it might help with my foot issue).

    5. LCL*

      Worst: this effin snow. We had tickets to the Reverend Horton Heat at the Tractor for Friday night. The boyfriend bought them in early December as a Christmas present. We had to stay home, the weather was so bad the authorities were asking people to stay in if possible.

      Best: old dog is coping OK with the snow. I dug a landing strip in the front yard for him, and did light snowscaping in the back, and he’s good. Of course he is an indoor dog, but he has to go outside sometimes.

    6. Liane*

      Best: A nice bit of money I was owed by State showed up, when I had decided it was never going to happen. (It wasn’t the State’s fault; a third party dropped a ball.) State Employee called Thursday to tell me she was ready to okay the payment, and they could send it on a debit card, which takes weeks. I asked about direct deposit, and she told me how to set it up and to call back when I was done. Next morning the money was there, way before business hours!

      Worst: My poor daughter’s wisdom teeth have started coming in and are a mess–1 or 2 at least impacted. She was in a lot of pain. She had an appointment last week and the dentist cleaned out some food that had gotten caught in the swelling gum tissue, which eased most of the pain. He also prescribed antibiotics and pain meds and gave her a referral to a specialist and she has an appointment tomorrow.

    7. Ruffingit*

      WORST: So much work to do.

      BEST: Spent last night snuggled under the covers, relaxing with my husband and our dogs on a cold night. Cozy and lovely evening.

  47. Mobuy*

    My poor 8-year-old got in a fight with the treadmill at a friend’s house last night and ended up with some minor abrasions on his face, a bunch of stitches on his lip, and two broken front permanent teeth. He’ll be fine, but it’s so sad! It’s hard for me to see my baby like this.

    1. Parenthetically*

      Oh man, that’s so rough, all my sympathies and best wishes for his speedy recovery!! That “my kid is sick/hurt” sadness is a whole unique thing, isn’t it!

    2. Book Lover*

      I am so so sorry! In the end, he will look like his old self and no one will be able to tell this happened but I know it is so incredibly upsetting. Teeth are a big deal, and an expensive thing, and just seeing your kid sad and hurting and not looking like himself is so incredibly hard. And it is difficult to smile and reassure and tell him it is fine when you are sad and trying not to show it.
      If he is upset, maybe show him pictures of cute hockey players – Sidney Crosby is pretty dreamy and he had his front teeth knocked out completely, if I recall correctly.
      And I wish I could hug you because we have had teeth stuff and it feels so devastating but it does get better.

    4. I'm A Little Teapot*

      I chipped a permanent tooth around that age doing something dumb on the playground. Please reassure him that the dentist is going to be able to fix it and it won’t show. They had to rebuild the chipped part, and it’s lasted just for 20 years. and it doesn’t show!

  48. Need a Beach*

    Possibly weird question: how do you increase your mental resiliency and tolerance for unpredictability/hectic-ness?

    The older I get, then more easily I feel thrown off by any change to a usual routine. If I know I have to rush to a doctor’s appointment after work, I can’t find the mental energy to also fit in a run to the grocery store even if the fridge is bare. If we’re planning to attend a Sunday football party, I absolutely cannot handle plans on Saturday other than being at home on the sofa.

    My brain seems to require ever-increasing periods of strict routine and solitude. It’s not a physical fatigue issue, I just find myself becoming ever more easily frazzled by any demands on my time that don’t fall within my normal daily life.

    Is there any cure for this? Meditating?

    1. Parenthetically*

      There are some excellent resources out there on building resilience, from pop-level (Rising Strong came to mind) to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I’m trying to think of the CBT workbook a friend recommended a while back. I’ll come back and drop a link here if I remember.

      It’s something a good therapist would help you explore, for sure.

      1. valentine*

        It’s not the routine; it’s rest versus activity. If I have to drive more than two places in a day, I weep. When you decide to do something the same day you would’ve otherwise bought groceries, make it a double decision: thing+food delivery. Maybe switch to ordering grocery delivery, so you’re splitting it up into ordering and accepting, ideally on different days. If you need a day alone to offset a day among people, go for it.

    2. The Curator*

      I don’t know. For me I can only do one thing a day and certainly not two big things on a weekend. Cupboard is bare syndrome. I always have eggs and milk, or frozen something so that if I cannot “swing by” the grocery store to pick up supplies there is something.

    3. The Man, Becky Lynch*

      This is also part of being an introvert, you need time to re-charge your mind batteries! So you may want to look at it like that, it’s very natural.

      Now to fight nature, that’s the rub. Sadly my only way of doing this is by forcing myself to “deal with it”. I don’t like back to back social activities either, like you say about the Saturday being a sofa day if you’re dealing with a football party on Sunday. Sometimes you don’t allow yourself the luxury of accepting that because you prefer to only do one thing in a two day span.

      It’s how I also deal with wanting to pig out on an entire bag of chips instead of just having a handful. I literally say out loud to myself “it’s not worth it” when I go for the bag. And drill it into my mind that the answer is ‘no’.

      When you start freaking out about having things piling up, you talk yourself through it. Sometimes you need to just self-talk through the maze.

      I’ve been praised for my ability to deal with life swerving around when I prefer routine. I’m also the one people run to when they need someone to talk them through this kind of stress that builds up for that reason. You have to reason with yourself and remind yourself the reward you get from doing thing thing you don’t want to.

      Such as saying “I have no food, the other option is to just grab food on the run, that’s expensive, that’s an unacceptable expense, I have to stop and grocery shop, regardless of the added stress, it’s worth the momentary discomfort!”

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Do you have life stuff going on that is draining your brain?
      How’s your diet? Do you drink plenty of water every day?
      How well do you sleep at night?
      Do you have goals for the week/month/year? You know lack of goals can kill our minds and our bodies. I do mean kill, too.
      Are you happy in your relationships and your work?
      Brain function and organ function go hand-in-hand. If one is tanking the other may follow soon after. I believe you when you say it’s not physical. I also know that can shift if we human beings are not careful.

    5. LilySparrow*

      I think this is a normal outcome not of aging per se, but of the increasing complexity and responsibility that comes as we go through different life changes. The less you have going on in general, the easier it is to add stuff in because you have margin. When your margin is already tight, you have less flexibility.

      If you want more mental/emotional energy for spontaneous activities or socializing, take a look at your daily & weekly routine, and see if you can outsource, delegate, or simplify some of those responsibilities (or just say no to other commitments) to free up some margin for contingencies.

      For example, you mentioned “we” attending a party. I’m assuming you mean a partner. So one easy step would be a conversation like, “Hey honey, I have a doctor’s appointment after work and the fridge is bare. Could you grab the list and do a grocery run after work?”

    6. Lissa*

      I get what you are saying and it worries me in myself, too. Because I feel like the more I “give in” to my anxiety/tiredness etc and decide to not push through, the worse it ends up getting. But if I do push through it often doesn’t feel great in the moment – I have a very hard time telling when I really should just take a day off and do nothing, and when it’s worth it for me to do something uncomfortable. No real advice, just sympathy.

    7. ..Kat..*

      It could be a medical problem, such as low thyroid, not enough B vitamins, not enough vitamin D, etc. I recommend getting a complete checkup.

    8. moql*

      I have pretty severe anxiety and when I’m not medicated properly (it took me two years to find a good combo!) I feel much like what you describe. My anxiety doesn’t feel like what TV shows anxiety to look like, so it took ages to realize that was the problem. Go talk to your doctor to see.

    9. Hello*

      Are you me? I don’t see a problem here. Nothing wrong with slowing down and living a simpler life. As an introvert, I’ve always had to ration my energy like this. Americans are too frantic anyway.

    10. Windchime*

      I know the grocery store thing was just an example, but I have started doing the “click list” thing where you build your grocery order online and then schedule a time to pick it up. If you’re already going to be out and about, you can just schedule the pickup for the same time. You just roll up to the store, call to let them know you are there, and they bring the order out to the car. I love it and it’s well worth the $5 service charge to not have to roam the aisles and fight the crowd.

  49. OyHiOh*

    The sunny keep my family in the loop, don’t reveal emotions because OyHiOh has always been the dramatic, over emotional one of the family FB update version of how things are going with my spouse amounts to we decided to move their ventilator to a tracheostomy so the doctors can bring them out of sedation over the next week or two; spouse is on continuous dialysis for the weekend to relieve pressure on their kidneys; and spouse has maintained ok-ish stats off paralytic medication for an entire week.

    The wailing with friends, public break down in the lobby of the hospital, swearing at a useless case manager version is that we have no idea if my spouse is still “in there” or not, will not know until doctors are ready to lift sedation, and I’m really struggling with how much is too much. I don’t want this person to be in pain. The way they’re hooked up to machines is literally their worst nightmare. I’ve managed to convince myself that a series of things that happened in the twelves hours before anesthesia put them on ventilator means they were tired and just wanted to go peacefully and all of what we’ve done since is in defiance of what my spouse actually wants. I’m scared that when I can ask them questions, and ask if I did the right thing, they’re going to say no and there will be a massive breach of trust between us.

    Three weeks ago, I could honestly say I wasn’t feeling much. It all came crashing down yesterday, provoked by yet another non medical person at the hospital telling me “oh, we don’t really do that,” in response to questions about how they can help **me.** Hospital is overworked and understaffed and doesn’t offer as much help to families as I and mine need right now.

    2. fposte*

      I’m so sorry, Oy. This is not an easy one.

      I hope this isn’t going in too deep, but in case it helps: I don’t know what your personal experience is of medical interventions, but many that seem really drastic the first time you encounter the concept are really common rehabilitative measures that by no means indicate a permanent need. Severe illness makes people very tired; that doesn’t mean they won’t be happy to find themselves alive after the crisis has passed.

      Of course, the anxiety comes from not knowing whether that’s the situation or not, and I certainly don’t know if nobody there does. But I wanted to say that from what you’ve described there’s a pretty good chance that you’re making really good decisions, and even if your fondest hope isn’t realized, that doesn’t mean they were bad decisions, just that no decision is 100% perfect.

      In the meantime, feel free to wail. I’m really sorry.

    3. anon24*

      I’m so sorry. This is hard. I keep thinking of you and wishing for the best. I’m sorry better help isn’t available to you and I am hoping for the best possible outcome.

    4. Thursday Next*

      I’ve been thinking of you, and wishing you the best in this difficult time.

      It makes perfect sense to me that the emotions and struggles are catching up to you now, in a way that wasn’t apparent when you first had to undertake these decisions. We can only stay in crisis management mode for so long before we’ve tapped our reserves.

      I’m wondering if there are any resources that your children’s school might be able to help with? Perhaps the school social worker might be aware of something available to children who are coping with trauma?

      Are there any other local hospitals that might have a more robust social support network? Perhaps their social workers could direct you to caregiver support?

      I’m at a loss for any actionable advice. Whatever comfort I can offer, please know that I am extending it to you.

      1. OyHiOh*

        Children’s school has been notified and will be marshalling resources tomorrow.

        I updated further down about the issue with kids – it turned out the hospital thought I was many years older than I actually am and that I was trying to get help for adult children, not preteens. Two of our children wanted to see their parent this morning and the shift in resources available when a 7 and a 9 year old showed up was pretty astonishing. I now have a social worker calling a couple sites for me tomorrow to arrange for grief counseling for our children, which will be very helpful.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      Don’t ask the family if you did the right thing. It’s nice to have their validation but it’s not a necessity. I think you have a stronger handle on things that you may realize.
      Honestly, if they think you did/are doing the right things they will just come tell you. You don’t need to ask.

      A spouse pulled life support on a Family Member (FM). She was young- early middle age. She had numerous arteries that were 75% clogged. He never asked family. While I felt sad and I will never be totally certain that was the right answer, this is my normal in these situations. I have signed DNRs myself and not been totally certain. I do reach a point where there are too many machines, too many doctors, too much medicine and I do not think that this is living a life. I think it’s prolonging a death. That is as certain as I get. So I understand my family having questions. But I also understand that sometimes the decision falls to just one person.

    6. CAA*

      I’m so sorry you’re going through this and that it’s been difficult to get the emotional support you need. I’ve been thinking about you and your children this week and hoping for the best. I know you have made, and are making, the best possible decisions with the information you have. It’s so hard not to second guess yourself, but you can’t read your spouse’s mind or know whether you did exactly what they would have done if they could have spoken for themself. You are doing your best in a very difficult situation and you have to trust that your spouse, who loves you, will understand that when they regain consciousness.

      Do you or your spouse have access to an EAP at work? If so, it might be beneficial to give them a call and see if they can help you find someone to talk through your feelings. Even an hour with someone who is an outsider could make a big difference.

    8. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      Hug, hug, hug. Stood there while brother was removed from ventilator, and he peacefully passed while we held his hand.
      Most recently, authorized the removal of the tubes from husband (and the palliative care increasing pain med drip continuously as needed…). Had all the paperwork and clear directions written out, signed and notarized by him months earlier.
      Both were very, very difficult, but understanding my husband’s wishes for a quality, pain-free life… I knew that “I” had to be the one with the backbone to make the call.
      In both cases, there was no “coming back” realistically, only making them hang on here for just a bit longer in discomfort.

    9. LilySparrow*

      You have not breached trust.
      You have not breached trust.
      You have not breached trust.

      You are doing the best you can with limited information. It’s horrible and scary and wrenching and awful, but you are doing the best you can. There is no perfect way for this to go.

      The doctors don’t want to torture your spouse either. They want to make ethical decisions, and the treatment plan to reduce sedation will give them the information they and you need.

      I’m going to tell you want the social worker told me when we were deciding to unplug my mom, because I really needed to hear it:

      “You are very brave and very kind. You love this person very much. And you are doing the right thing.”

      For you right now, the right thing is waiting, and helplessly waiting is SO HARD. SO HARD.

      Take care and best wishes to you and the kids. I hope you have some dear friends who can give you the hugs and emotional support you need, and that you can find a counselor or support group very quickly and easily.

      1. Anona*

        Yep, very much this. It’s a stressful situation, and you’ve very much done the best you can. Would you have made different decisions in a theoretical, textbook version of your life? Maybe.

        But instead you’ve had to make real decisions, in real time, with limited information, under stress, and with a lack of sleep.

        Please be gentle with yourself. You’ve done the best you can. That’s really all you can expect of yourself. You’re not a robot. You’re just someone who loves your spouse, and is trying to do their best, in a shitty situation.

    10. DrTheLiz*

      Be kind to yourself! Wanting your spouse to still be alive is not a sin. You are doing the best you can in just about the worst situation. If it helps any, I believe you made a good-faith decision, which is all anybody can ever do. I can only hope that you get the chance to have a long talk with your spouse about what to do next time… many, many years from now.

    11. Not A Manager*

      “I’ve managed to convince myself that a series of things that happened in the twelves hours before anesthesia put them on ventilator means they were tired and just wanted to go peacefully and all of what we’ve done since is in defiance of what my spouse actually wants.”

      If I recall correctly, this whole ordeal has only taken a few weeks. I hope and pray that your spouse will make a full recovery, in which case all of this intervention was necessary and for the best. If your spouse should find themself in a place in the future where they wish that everything would end, then there are ways to address that. In no way did you err by taking steps that were meant to promote a reasonable recovery.

      Last week I sent Alison my email information and asked her to give it to you if you would like it. I’ve been through a similar experience with my husband and young children, and am available if I can provide any support.

      1. OyHiOh*

        I appreciate the thought but Saturday night, his kidneys stopped working. There’s no coming back at this point.

        1. Not A Manager*

          I’m so terribly sorry to hear this. So very sorry. All my sympathies to you and to your children.

    12. Quandong*

      Thinking of you at this tremendously difficult time. It sounds like you have not breached your partner’s trust, you are making the best choices you can with the information you have at any given time.

    13. ..Kat..*

      As a nurse, I want to tell you that you are doing the best you can with the information that you have at the time. All under extreme stress. Can the unit (or hospital) social worker give you contacts for support groups of people who are going through similar situations? That can be very helpful.

      The tracheostomy is a good idea. It will allow the staff to wean off the paralytic and then start weaning the sedation and pain medicine. This will decrease the stresses on his body. At some point, you will know whether your husband is still in there. If he is not, you have the option to decide to continue care or not. You can also limit to how much care and what care. It is not an all or nothing choice. If your husband is still there, then he can make these decisions for himself. You and/or your husband can ask about palliative care (also known as comfort care). You can also ask about a hospice care consult.

      I am so sorry that this is happening in your life. I wish you the best.

      1. OyHiOh*

        I’m not sure if it’s an actual state law thing or a our state’s medicaid thing but I’ve been rebuffed multiple times and told they can’t do anything. The most my hospital can apparently do is hand me a phone number and hope I can call it.

        Side note, telephones and I have not gotten along well for the last month. I can mostly hold it together face to face but over a line, forget about it.

        1. OyHiOh*

          Update on this comment as well. So, it turns out that the entire ICU staff has been laboring under the impression that I’m a well preserved 50 something, pretty close to my spouse’s age, with adult children (there’s actually an 18 year age difference between us). So for the past two weeks while I’ve been begging for resources to help me and our children, they were trying to understand why I was asking for help with grown children. Two of our our **young** children wanted to see their parent this morning and when I showed up with elementary age children, a mad scramble to get the resources I’ve been pleading for ensued.

          So note to those in the medical and caring professions: If someone is repeatedly pleading for help with an issue that doesn’t fit your assumptions about that person (one doctor in this process told me to sit down and not move until he was done talking, SIGH), please quietly challenge your assumptions about that person and ask them why.

    14. OyHiOh*

      Update to the update:

      To honor my mother in law, I am waiting one more day before pulling spouse’s life support. My gut says do it today but she wants one more and won’t be here until tomorrow.

      Spouse has taken a dramatic turn for the worse, their lungs are scarring, there’s evidence of brain damage, and they wanted to put in a central line today for additional meds related to blood pressure.

      Said no to the new lines, told our kids, signed a DNR, and am just sitting with them. It is *so weird* to know this will be over in a day.

      “ALL THINGS THAT ARE, ARE OURS. BUT WE MUST CARE. FOR IF WE DO NOT CARE, WE DO NOT EXIST. IF WE DO NOT EXIST, THEN THERE IS NOTHING BUT BLIND OBLIVION. AND EVEN OBLIVION MUST END SOMEDAY. LORD, WILL YOU GRANT ME JUST A LITTLE TIME? FOR THE PROPER BALANCE OF THINGS. TO RETURN WHAT WAS GIVEN. FOR THE SAKE OF PRISONERS AND THE FLIGHT OF BIRDS.” ~~ Pratchett, Reaper Man

        1. OyHiOh*

          Thank you Allison.

          It is horrid.

          My spouse had a lot of positives going for them health wise – active, clean living. But they had a serious combat injury that involved resection of lower lobe in right lung. If you have any Army medical people reading this blog, I just outed my spouse because there are case studies done. But the scar tissue makes a person more susceptible to respiratory illness and makes recovery harder still. The scars can’t flex as well

          We have both always known this sort of death was possible. We hoped it would come decades from now when our elementary school age children were in high school or older, but we always knew and we talked a great deal about “what if. ” I am confident this is what my spouse wants under hideous circumstances, but that doesn’t lessen the emotional impact at all

          1. Windward*

            You are brave, you are kind, & you are faithful to your beloved spouse. Holding you & yours in my heart through this terrible time. Please keep us posted on how you are doing.

      2. Dr. Anonymous*

        I am so sorry. There is no wrong decision to make in this situation if you make it out of love, there has never been one. I wish you peace and healing.

      3. Thursday Next*

        I’m so sorry for this turn. There are no easy answers in such a situation, and you have acted ethically and lovingly.

        I am thinking of you and your family and wishing you the comfort and peace you need.

      4. ..Kat..*

        I am so sorry. Just know that whatever you decide is the right decision for you and your husband in the moment. Sending you virtual hugs and support.

      5. Jean (just Jean)*

        This is awful. It’s a small consolation that the doctors and others finally listened to you and began to connect you with help. You are doing a kindness for your mother in law. May you all find comfort and people to simply be with you in your grief.

      6. Business Librarian*

        I just saw Alison’s comment under your name and gasped. I’m assuming you were telling us all about your loss. I wanted to come back here and tell you how sorry I am in hopes that you’ll see it. We all hold you in our hearts and hope that you get some solace in the next few horrible weeks.

        I have more experience with grief than I ever expected, and it’s gutting so don’t chastise yourself for whatever you do to get through. And pay no attention at all to people who give you any kind of time line at all.

        1. Chicago anon*

          Like Business Librarian, I hope you see this. I am so very sorry that this is the outcome. You have been so brave and did so much for your spouse, children, and MIL. I’ve been that person breaking down in the hospital lobby. That’s not a bad place to do it! Very best wishes to you, and again, I am sorry for your loss and all the trauma around it. You made the best decisions you could with the information you had.

        3. Jersey's mom*

          I am so sorry. Hold your children close and grieve however you need to grieve. There is no right or wrong way to grieve during such a terrible loss. I hope you get whatever support you want and need. I’m thinking of you and sending zen hugs if you want them.

        4. Not So NewReader*

          I just saw Alison comment and gasped also. Thank you for giving us a clue, Alison so we could find OyHIoh.

          Profoundly sorry, Oy. Please know that you and your little ones are in my thoughts and prayers.

  50. Junior Dev*

    Mental health thread! How are you doing? What are you struggling with? What are you proud of?

    I had a lot of anxiety this week. Everyone was talking about the big snowstorm predicted for this weekend and it freaked me out to think I might not be able to hang out with friends at all. I live by myself, I’d already worked from home twice this week and it makes me really depressed when I don’t see anyone. I still have to go look at the road today and see if I’ll be able to drive.

    I guess I’m proud of getting through grocery shopping after work which is often a trigger for my anxiety.

    How are you doing?

    1. Parenthetically*

      My bugbear (that I’m working on this month) is reacting emotionally to frustrating situations and then looking back 5 minutes or 5 days later and realizing it was completely disproportionate. It happens more in winter, and it’s much more intense when it’s related to my kid. I’m trying to figure out how to deal in a healthy way with those big waves of anxiety without just unplugging/dissociating from the situation. I’m proud of myself for seeing the pattern and working on scripts. I’m trying the anthropological approach at the moment — “Huh, there is an emotion there, I am really anxious and frustrated, how about that, let’s try a little deep breathing maybe?” but I definitely do not always succeed in sidelining the actual anxiety/frustration response. I think I also need to add in some yoga/meditation for general anxiety reduction. I can reeeeeeeeally feel the stress building up in my body.

    2. 653-CXK*

      This week, with the exception of laundry day Thursday, I got out of the house each day. Monday, Wednesday and Friday were errand days, Tuesday was the interview I had mentioned last week, and today was just a “walk to the local shops for lunch” day.

      One thing I’m having a hard time with is getting away from the computer. Granted, I’m teaching myself Powerpoint and sharpening my Excel skills, and learning things on YouTube, but God, I feel like I can’t get away from the damn thing! This is why I like to get out of the house – I’m not sitting for hours on end frittering away time, I get things done, and I feel satisfied. Thankfully, I don’t have Twitter or Instagram, otherwise it would be much, much worse.

      One thing I am proud of is the interview I had Tuesday. Of course, it happened when a certain sports team had a parade, but I was able to get back and forth with minimal hitches. I hope to hear from them soon.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Was it here I read about anxiety and grocery stores? Someone was saying that often times grocery stores trigger anxiety attacks, especially for women. BTDT. I’d freeze right up in the bread aisle or whatever, I could not move. ugh. ugh. ugh.

    4. StellaBella*

      I hope the snow melts for you soon, and you have less anxiety.

      I was struggling with my reaction to flight turbulence this week (4 flights in 4 days). But I managed.

      I am proud that I reached out to a lawyer and have begun some paperwork I needed to do for a while now.

    5. Temporarily Anonymous*

      I have been having a really hard time with SAD this year, especially this last few weeks. It’s been bad enough that I was missing work and having trouble getting out of bed- and the extreme weather hereabouts has made it much more difficult to do any of the things that are supposed to help. This week I found out that there is free online counseling being offered through an educational institution and I registered to be considered for it. I also purposely spent extra time outside to get a bit more sun (and frostbite, haha) despite the cold weather. I have been very open with family and my doctor about how I’m struggling this year instead of trying to silently fix myself. So I’m taking steps to get help, which is a good trajectory for me.

    6. Anonyby*

      I’m really struggling this week. The negative vibes at work hit me extra-hard, house is also stressful, I keep feeling like I’m failing at even basic self-care…

      Accomplishment: I finally called and got my own car insurance. (I’ve been on my parents’, and I totalled my car about a year ago and have been driving a car borrowed from my Dad. Finally got a new car of my own, paperwork will have been signed two weeks ago Monday.) The payment was very ouch though. The car I’ve been borrowing was twice as expensive as my first car had been, and the new me-only insurance is twice what I was paying for the borrowed car. Being on a solo policy rather than part of a giant bundle policy makes a HUGE difference.

      Today’s downer: I had made verbal plans to have dinner tonight with my BFF and her spouse (made a couple weeks ag0). I really, REALLY should know better than to trust plans that were only made verbally–they never remember them. I got a gut feeling they had forgotten, so I messaged them to ask…and yup. They had forgotten and had life stuff they needed to do today. I made the polite words to them, then struggled with a depressive spiral (and I’m still trying to get myself back on an even keel, hours later).

    7. LizB*

      I bought a car today and the process used up every spoon I had and then some. I negotiated well and I’m happy with what I ended up with, but WOW my emotions are all over the place. Can I just nap for like a week now, please?

  51. Seattle advice anyone?*

    Hi all! My husband and I are making our first trip without a child in 11 years. So very thrilled! We’re Californians and booked a B&B in Seattle in the Green Lake area for next weekend. So…this snow thing? Assuming our flight isn’t cancelled, what’s your advice for things to do and how to get around?

    Since we’re only there mid-Friday to mid-Sunday, we’d planned on doing 2-3 tours, like a brief bus tour around the city, a walking tour of Pike’s Place Market, and maybe a brief underground tour. Then we’d explore a neighborhood or two or on our, have a nice meal, etc.

    How shut down is the city? Are any of these ideas still valid, or should we expect to spend the weekend in the B&B (which is also fine! did I mention it’s been 11 years?) and taking walks in the neighborhood. Should we switch to looking for a museum?

    Also, a friend said we should Lyft/Uber rather than renting a car. Good advice?

    1. Ranon*

      It’s been a while since I lived there, but when I lived through snow the best transit option in Seattle was the buses, which have chains and alternate routes to actually get them around the city (unlike, well, everyone else). Roads won’t be plowed and rental places won’t have chains, if you haven’t done any winter driving in a while Seattle hills will absolutely eat your lunch. Buses won’t be on time but transit should be able to get you between the airport (light rail may stay open too, which makes airport easier), Greenlake and downtown.

      If the zoo stays open it might be a good outing, it will be close to where you’re staying and animals in snow is really fun.

    2. The Man, Becky Lynch*

      ITS SNOWING UNTIL TUESDAY! By next weekend, it should be…navigable but you will still have snow piled up in places. Basically we’re getting around 2 feet of snow in places but they are mostly in the northern areas. Seattle and Green Lakes should be okay for getting around.

      Don’t rent a car, I agree that car-share is the best option. It’s a nightmare to park anywhere downtown and will just frustrate you.

    3. seattlite*

      For transportation, look at King County metro Transit’s site for snow closures, delays, etc but I think/hope there probably won’t be many by next week. I’d stick to buses and lyft/uber because parking sucks. If buses aren’t running then I wouldn’t trust uber/lyft drivers though and would suggest you stay in your neighborhood, but that seems unlikely.
      I would guess that walking tours would not be a problem at all by then, but pack warm clothes and do be prepared to spend some time inside. As far as museums, I really like the Seattle Art Museum and it’s right by Pike Place. There’s also the Sculpture Park nearby which might be really cool to see covered in snow. The MoPOP is also fun.

    4. Leukothea*

      Definitely skip the rental car and take light rail up to the northernmost station and then bus from there. Google for King County Trip Planner to find the best route. It takes awhile, but driving in Seattle in the snow is not for the faint of heart! You could also pay through the nose for an Uber, but if you do that, at least get to the U District first via light rail before you call one — you will save enough for that nice meal. :)

    5. ..Kat..*

      Lyft/Uber are better than renting. It isn’t just the rental fees. It is finding parking, paying for parking. It is driving in a city with crazy roads and congestion and bike traffic and pedestrians. And lots of construction that can shunt you to places that you did not want to go and can’t figure out how to get out of.

      Your B&B should be able to suggest some nice places to eat and things to see. You can google for museum suggestions – Seattle has many. Also has a nice aquarium! And wine tasting trips!

      If the snow is still bad, I recommend calling the place you plan to visit to make sure they are still open.

      Bring warm, comfortable, wet-proof shoes that are good to walk in.

      We visit Seattle often and love it. I hope you enjoy your stay.

    6. ms roboto*

      Hopefully the weather won’t impact you! You don’t need a car for that short of time – bus and UberLyft will work!

      Things we recommend (or people like): the locks, ride a ferry, chihuly exhibit, Starbucks roastery on cap hill, breweries or wineries or distillery; Kerry park (view of city and mountain); beach; MOHAI, argosy boat tour of the city, kayaking. I personally don’t like the underground tour, esp in the winter and darkness and while it’s interesting, it’s rarely a standout with people.

      Depending upon weather, the bus tour thing may be less fun than just picking some neighborhoods and ubering. Cap Hill, Upper Queen Anne, Ballard, Fremont and West Seattle are all good places to wander, eat, drink. Getting to any of those places will expose you to the City layout.

      Have an excellent time!

    7. swingbattabatta*

      Lyft/Uber is definitely a good idea. It isn’t worth the hassle to get a rental car. If you go to Pike Place, go get some hot donuts fresh off the belt at the daily dozen (sooo good). Around Green Lake, we like to go to Lucia for italian food. Green Lake is really close to Ballard as well – you can head down to Market Street, and walk around and check out some shops and restaurants. You can also go check out the locks in Ballard (really fun to watch the boats go through), and then get the best reuben ever at the Lockspot. Fremont Brewing (also relatively close to green lake and ballard, for an easy Lyft rider) has great beers, and if the weather is decent, you can walk around and go to Gasworks park or walk part of the Burke Gilman trail.

      In West Seattle, you can go to Alki beach to check out the sights. There are a couple of places to get beer on Alki – I don’t love those places, but it comes with a good view. There are some good restaurants in the Alaska junction in West Seattle (where Alaska and California streets intersect), including Talaricos (huuuuuge slices of pizza), the Beer Junction for bajillions of beers, West 5 for sandwiches, Ma’ono for a great brunch (call ahead for the fried chicken) and a cool records store and a used bookstore right down the street from each other.

      Other fun crummy weather activities – go see a movie at the Cinerama (and get some chocolate popcorn), go up the Space Needle (touristy, but a great view of the city), go check out Capitol Hill (lots of breweries and restaurants, including Cafe Presse for a cute little cafe, Mighty O Donuts, whiskey at Canon, brunch at Volunteer Park Cafe)… I have a million additional recommendations that largely revolve around food.

  52. Beth Jacobs*

    Last week was the 60th anniversary of the Dyatlov pass incident and I’ve been absolutely obsessed with it ever since.

    In the cold winter of 1959, ten Russian hikers set out on a challenging cross-country skiing expedition in the Ural Mountains. One fell ill and turned back: little did he know that his rheumatism had just saved his life. When the nine hikers did not return, a search began: what was found raised more questions than answers.

    The rescue party first found their tent, which had apparently been cut from the inside. Money, hiking gear and shoes had been left in the tent undisturbed. The nine bodies were found about a mile from the tent, spread out over some distance. Some were dressed only in underwear and had clearly died of hypothermia. Others were better dressed (although between the nine of them, they only had 5 shoes – two pairs and one right shoe), but had fractured ribs without significant external trauma (corresponding more to a car accident than a human attack). At least some of the members must have lived for a few hours at the second site: there were remains of a fire and some evidence to suggest they had attempted to dig a snowden as an improvised shelter. There’s some other bizarre details: three pieces of clothing were found to be radioactive (but the rest was not), one of the hikers had broken ribs but an intact camera around his neck (damaged only by water), one of the female hikers was missing her tongue and eyes, one of the hikers had been wearing two watches.

    Countless theories have arisen about the event, such as an avalanche, a botched military test, a murder committed either by CIA or KGB agents or even speculations of aliens, a Yeti attack or teleportation. But no theory can (at least to me) sufficiently explain both the cause of leaving the tent underdressed, as well as the wide range of injuries suffered by the group. Of course, it doesn’t really help that the Soviet investigation of the incident was (perhaps intentionally) sloppy and evidence has since been lost or compromised. So if anyone else wants a brain scratcher, I can promise you that this will last you a while :) It’s really easy to go into a rabbit hole and not come out for a while – have fun :)

    1. fposte*

      I love the Dyatlov Pass stuff. I also think because of the time and physical distance and the language barrier it is absolutely ripe for the distortion and error problem that plagues human narrative in general but especially dogs mystery accounts. So for me part of the puzzle, when I look at something like the Dyatlov Pass story, is saying “Okay, some of our data here is bad and we don’t know which; what effects does it have on the story if it’s this piece, or these pieces, or that bit?”

      I had a revelation of this years ago when I first got interested in Antarctic exploration, and I saw one little anecdote about a particular explorer get some wide play in biographers who had issues with the explorer. But if you looked at the anecdote’s stated provenance it was hugely falsifiable–it’s just that nobody ever considered that some of their data was bad.

      1. Beth Jacobs*

        Yes, that’s a great point. For example, one of the conclusions of the official investigation was that the tent had been cut with a knife from the inside. Pictures of the tent in the evidence room show extensive damage: it looks like the group exited through the sides as opposed to unbuttoning the entrance. Many theories thus explain, that since back then, the lacing buttons on tents was pretty hard to do and undo so it would make sense for a terrified group to cut their way out if they were, or believed to be, in mortal danger.

        BUT: The members of the rescue team confirm there had been “some” damage to the tent when found, but aren’t sure how much. They dragged all of the items out of the tent through the sides to create an inventory and subsequently dragged the tent through ice and rocks for over 700 metres to the helipad before it was transported to civilisation. So the tent is so compromised, it’s not a good building block for determining what actually happened.

    2. Enough*

      Sounds to be that some how a hallucinogen was involved. If they ran out of food they could have eaten something local they knew nothing about.

    3. anon24*

      BuzzFeed Unsolved covered this and it’s always sort of haunted me. Like you said, no explanation, no matter how “out there” explains everything and I really wish we could all find out what happened!

    4. ElspethGC*

      “But no theory can (at least to me) sufficiently explain both the cause of leaving the tent underdressed, as well as the wide range of injuries suffered by the group.”

      The injuries, no idea, but stripping down to underwear is common with hypothermia. Once you get dangerously cold, you start to feel like you’re overheating, and start taking layers off.

      1. Courageous cat*

        Yep – paradoxical undressing. Probably one of the least mysterious parts of the whole story!

    5. Ask a Manager* Post author

      I just asked my husband about this (he appears to have heard of all unexplained mysteries) and he’s insisting a bear attack would explain everything. His theory is that they were attacked in the night (otherwise they would have seen the bears coming) and when they scattered, since it was nighttime and they were filled with adrenaline and panic, they got separated. He says the tent was shredded by the bears getting in or rummaging around. I feel like this doesn’t explain all of it though, and that if experts felt bears could explain it, it wouldn’t be such a mystery and thus it must be more sinister than that. He replied, “Exactly. People love a sinister mystery more than a sinister bear.”

      1. Beth Jacobs*

        The group’s footprints were preserved, but there are no animal footprints at the site.* I also can’t see how a bear fractures two skulls and two sets of ribs without leaving any sort of external scratch marks.

        A bear also doesn’t account for radiation, though I think the clothing might have simply been radioactive before the hike (two of the members worked with radioactive materials).

        *Again, the evidence here is poor. The search and rescue team hoped to find them alive, they weren’t concerned about preserving forensic evidence. Although accounts agree that there were footprints of the group, they aren’t photographed well and a some of the footprints could have been made by the search party and later attributed to the victims.

      2. Asenath*

        There’s an excellent book on the subject by Donnie Eichar, who thinks it was a combination of panic at weird wind noises, followed by the group getting separated, trying to find each other, getting disoriented and unable to find their way back uphill to the tent, and then succumbing to a combination of accident (if memory serves, at least one of them fell over a bank and was injured) and hypothermia. For some reason, they left the tent, and after that terrible winter conditions caused everything else. A bear attack seems unlikely in the winter.

        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          Yes, when I told him I was posting his theory here, he said: “People are likely to say bears were hibernating. Which is accurate. Unless they were already starving. In that case, it would make sense for the bear to chase all the half naked prey.”

          I’m mildly surprised he didn’t say it was aliens, since lately he’s been gorging on sketchy UFO documentaries.

          1. Elizabeth West*

            A bear would have eaten from one or all of them, especially if it were starving. When they found Timothy Treadwell (the subject of the documentary Grizzly Man), there was nothing left but a spine, his head, and one arm. It would be really obvious if it were bear activity.

        2. Autumn Wind*

          Yes, the book is called, “Dead Mountain” and does an excellent job of explaining all of the evidence. It’s a fascinating read.

    6. Best cat in the world*

      That’s a Eilean Mor lighthouse type mystery I’d not heard of! Really interesting.
      I’ve just read the wikipedia page and one of the theories sounds plausible, the parachute bombs. Which would explain the internal injuries and possibly hurrying out of the tent. Definitely going to read more on that!!

      1. Beth Jacobs*

        Yes, the parachute bombs is definitely the theory I find most convincing, but it doesn’t fit perfectly. How does a bomb cause significant internal injuries to three of the bodies, while leaving the tent standing, some bodies with no injuries, and not a single tree damaged or an impact crater nearby? Some argue that the Soviet military cleaned up the scene afterwards, but I’m pretty sure that if the Soviet military had attempted a cover up, none of the bodies would have ever been found.

    8. Nita*

      I heard about this case recently – it was brought up in discussion of another recent hiking death in the Ural mountains. It’s hard to appreciate that everything that happened, happened in the dark, in subzero weather, and with wind and heavy snow. The group may have taken off shoes and outerwear to get them dried overnight, and then whatever it was happened. If the tent had collapsed under the weight of snow, it wasn’t much of a shelter any more, and they probably couldn’t even get most of their stuff out. Maybe they rushed to get out because they thought there was an avalanche, and that another one may follow. And then it was a few under-dressed people against the elements. They put up a good fight – built a fire, started a shelter – but in conditions like that even small mistakes can kill.

  53. Rovannen*

    Has anyone made their own protein powder? My go-to drink has changed their ingredients and I can no longer use it. All the powders I can find have one or two ingredients I can’t have. I’ve looked on you-tube and will look some more, but does anyone have a fav recipe? No nuts/seeds or oils of such, has to be vegan (love dairy but it doesn’t love me), and gluten free.

    Thank you!

    1. S.Wench*

      I wonder if you could use gram (chickpea) flour, maybe lightly toasted in a skillet to take off any powdery flavor.

    2. CAA*

      Are you able to do legumes or are you including those in the nuts/seeds category? My husband has been using PB2 in smoothies lately, and I know he had some samples of different powders made from soy and peas. I can get the names from him if you’re interested.

        1. CAA*

          DH says the pea powder is called Nuzest. He had chocolate and coffee flavors and he did not like the coffee one. The chocolate was o.k. but he’d probably go for plain or vanilla flavor if he was going buy it. He got it at an expo before a running event, so he just had little sample sizes, but I see they do sell it on Amazon.

          The soy stuff was from Bob’s Red Mill and they carry it at our local independent grocery store.

    3. Raine*

      I would look into pea protein recipes. Milk also does not love me and its a nut free option that I’ve found pleasant enough.

  54. The Man, Becky Lynch*

    I hate the snow. Yes, it only happens for a couple weeks a year in the PNW, that doesn’t make it less of a hell on earth for a couple weeks a year. Sigh. I’m already stir crazy and it’s only day 1. /whine whine whine whine whine

    Thank God for Investigation Discovery. I’ll be over here marathoning Homicide Hunter and cleaning things because I’m super paranoid about losing power. I was snowed into rural Oregon for a week once a few years back and despite being in a city now, I’m preparing to go full Little House on the Prairie if necessary. Stocked to the ears with canned food and batteries. Everyone at the store the last couple days were stocking up on perishables and my heart kept racing watching them making their decisions. I know I’m the crazy one and paranoia is all rooted in unfounded fear so that’s what stopped me from grabbing people and screaming “BUT WHERE ARE YOUR CANNED GOODS?! DO YOU HAVE WATER AND FLASHLIGHTS!!!!!!!!”

      1. The Man, Becky Lynch*

        Oh yeah, I’m not surprised at all. I kept hearing the announcement of “assistance needed to the premium liquor cabinet” ringing while in line!

        The raw meat and eggs were destroyed, along with the potatoes. Meanwhile I was able to get all the canned meats and veggies that my little hoarding heart desired!

        I can say that everyone was being very respectful and not totally nutso like I imagined when I pulled into the parking lot. It was packed, hard to find a spot and they had no time to collect carts from the parking lot! So there was some whining to be had by people who had to go hunt down a cart but otherwise, it was like everyone was calmly stock-piling!

    3. Traffic_Spiral*

      Honestly, I feel it’s almost performative. Like, the PNW prides itself on being an enormous baby about snow, because it means that we don’t get a lot of it – which we like to rub in everyone else’s faces. Everyone’s stocking up because it’s What You Do In Case of Blizzard but deep down we all know that it’s not actually going to be a problem.

      1. The Man, Becky Lynch*

        Considering the mass exodus I witnessed yesterday when snow started in South Seattle at noon…holy craziness the dramatic flounce was real. I had people honking at each other outside of my window, I’m on a SIDE STREET that’s close to the interstate on-ramp. It was ridiculous. BTW my drive home at 4 was pretty sound because all the crazypants got themselves out in such a hurry. There was some piling up in the intersection and slick spots but that’s why you learn to drive properly in the first place.

        I think some of it is true hysteria and over whelming the senses.

        It also doesn’t help that the news is so sensationalized. They love to pound into us that we need to go into doomsday mode.

        My electricity went out with the stupid pre-show we had on Monday but I attribute that to the wind forces. Aaaaand now they’re dimming a bit here and there, probably under the weight of snow somewhere.

        It’s also the fact human memories are so short. We get it every 2-3 years, so they don’t re-call what it was like the previous time and so they overreact.

        But yeah, I was literally frozen in, 20 miles outside of Eugene in 2013. Pipes froze, no water in the snow, so melting it on the stove {thank God for wood heat though!}, so it’s not all just a figment of our imagination, it causes massive inconveniences and total shutdown of businesses for a week or two when it happens.

        I also drove to Seattle from Eugene during the Dec 2016 ice storm. It took me 7 hours despite there being so few cars on the road and what I saw was pretty horrific in the sense of the conditions. A semi truck went through the guardrail and was hanging there, the same semi truck that blew past me down the road awhile before. You’d think that’s some movie nonsense but it was true. But going slow and steady and knowing how to control a vehicle on ice is not what most people in the region understand a lick about. Also going to slow will reduce your traction and cause spinouts too, sigh.

      2. tangerineRose*

        In at least some of the Pacific Northwest, when it does snow, there also tends to be a lot of ice because it’s not always freezing, so the snow melts and freezes. So that makes it more dangerous to drive. Plus almost no snow plows, and most people haven’t used snow chains for their car for quite a while, and some people drive dangerously.

    4. seattlite*

      Idk, I always have plenty of non-perishables at home, perishables are what the weekly grocery trips are for. In the unlikely even I’m gonna be snowed in for a week , why wouldn’t I want to fresh foods before falling back to canned?

      1. The Man, Becky Lynch*

        That’s fair too. I don’t know many people who have well stocked pantries for multiple reasons [storage pace for starters, money, never eat at home, etc], so my immediate thought process is to think of what I know, which is minimal food in the house at any given time.

        Which explains why I also just bug-eyed over the idea of weekly grocery trips. Most of my circle goes more frequently than that and only thinks about a few days at a time.

        1. Aly_b*

          My quake kit has tons of water and non-perishables always. I went for veggies and bread and wine earlier in the week because if we’re in the likely scenario of power being on and just not wanting to drive to the store for a few days I’d like to just enjoy my weekend in. I’m definitely glad you stocked up on what you needed though!

    5. ..Kat..*

      And a manual can opener.
      We have a flashlight and emergency radio that don’t take batteries, they are hand cranked!

  55. Thursday Next*

    This is a question I plan to pose to a specialist attorney, but I also wanted to ask the commentariat whether anyone has had experience where an aging parent has given two children power of attorney, but those two children are unable to work together.

    Can one party require the full sharing of documents and other information without going to court? Is there any recourse if it turns out that one party has used the parent’s assets for themselves rather than care of the parent?

    The parent is in a very good facility, and neither adult child is responsible for daily care or incurring any expenses personally for that care.

    On a less dry note, I’m really upset by all of this. This is a wonderful person, in a terrible and incredibly premature health situation, and I wish that the only thing we had to think about was how to help her feel loved and supported.

    There’s a lot of childhood sibling baggage that is weighing down what should be a collaborative effort toward their parent’s care. And there’s weird stuff that is happening because of that. So, for example, one child has been handling the selling of the parental home, from repairing it prior to listing it, reviewing the contracts, and hiring the lawyer for the closing. The other sibling, who is physically closer to their parent, was supposed to send over a copy of the parent‘s ID for the closing, but even after numerous phone calls and emails, did not do so. This is the sibling who complains that the other sibling does not consider them to be competent. And I’m thinking, not sending in the ID— when that’s your only responsibility in the entire process of selling your parent’s home—is not the act of a competent person! I just don’t understand that.

    Thanks to this forum for giving me a place to share some of these thoughts. I’m not proud of all them.

    1. fposte*

      Oh, Thursday, what a nightmare. I’m sorry.

      First, it’s really common for this to be a problem. Parents want to think the best of their kids, and even the most amicable of siblings can pull different ways under stress. I could go on about the weird stuff my siblings got up to–and they’d probably say the same about me.

      Your recourse in the situation is going to be state dependent. However, if there is suspicion of misuse of the money, that would fall under elder abuse in many places; my state’s adult protective services explicitly invites calls about physical abuse, emotional abuse, or financial exploitation. The sharing of documents is another matter, though; it’s not likely to be elder abuse. If the parent is still competent, the choices are probably limited to asking him/her to amend the POA to just one of the sibs. Needless to say, that’s a conversation most people don’t want to have with their parent. If the parent is under guardianship/conservatorship, it might be possible to petition on the parent’s behalf to get the other sibling removed. In short, there’s really no “make them give me the stuff they’re supposed to” enforcement.

      In your place, I’d either stop asking, or I’d ask but assume it won’t happen and take relevant action at the same time. Ask sib to get the ID, sure, but either plan to go out to the relevant residence yourself or order a replacement.

      Sorry. Health logistics are the worst.

      1. Thursday Next*

        Thank you, fposte. Unfortunately there’s no way that the other sibling’s POA will be revoked; my husband won’t ask his mother to do so, and he believes (as I do) that she wouldn’t agree if asked.

        My MIL has early onset dementia in addition to physical issues. She’s still legally competent, but we’re learning painfully that there’s a wide gulf between legal competence and the competence required to navigate the world.

        My husband spent a day with her recently to go over some materials, and it was tough for him to see her decline. Plus he can’t see his mother alone; sibling finds out he’s coming, and shows up, which means my husband spends time managing his sibling’s feelings instead of their mother’s needs.

        I’m urging him to plan another day to go down and collect more information, but I know it takes a lot out of him. I wish I could do it for him; his sibling is less likely to get overly emotional with me.

    2. The Man, Becky Lynch*

      Oh dear. Oh my. You do need to get an attorney involved immediately to talk about things in your jurisdiction, things vary so widely, it’s not just a blanket kind of law, it’s very much a regional situation.

      I’ve seen this unfold on a personal level and wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, it’s absolutely terrible. It’s the on going demise of families and yes, you have to have contracts in place more than just waiting until after bad-deed-doing has started happening. Especially since your parent isn’t losing facilities, then there’s less abuse and manipulations of someone with diminished capacity issues to tackle then with.

      I’m so sorry you’re going through this, a loved one aging and needing additional care/attention is it’s own circle of stress hell without the added circle of sibling issues that pop up :( Also be prepared that by lawyering up, you are going to explode any shreds of a relationship you have with your sibling. But you need to protect YOU and your parent first and foremost.

      1. Thursday Next*

        TM,BL, oh yes, a lawyer would blow things up! We actually talked to one who didn’t think he could represent us—I think he deals more in trusts and Medicaid issues.

        Caregiving and guardianship are so rough on their own; administrative stuff makes it worse, and infighting is absolutely hellish. I have the bandwidth to deal with the first two, but not the last. I just wish everyone felt like they were on the same team.

    3. Mobuy*

      My attorney husband says to get a guardianship if you think there has been abuse, including financial abuse, of an incapacitated adult.

      1. Thursday Next*

        Thanks for running this by him! I think the bar for incapacitation is pretty high in the state in question. It might be something we’ll have to look into down the road.

    4. ..Kat..*

      definite lawyer situation, especially with not sharing info and even more especially with the possibility of someone misusing the parent’s funds. The latter is elder abuse and a crime.

      Good luck. I am sorry for your troubles.

      1. Thursday Next*

        Thank you. I’m encouraging my husband to try a couple of more times on his own to get the necessary documents. It’s pretty demoralizing for him to be doing what he perceives as nagging his mother in this state, but nagging his sibling hasn’t yielded results.

        I think with POA he will be able to have oversight of the account he already knows about, but there’s a lot he doesn’t have info about and that’s the concern.

    5. chi chan*

      Could you approach the lawyer who drew up the power of attorney and frame it as “hey lets make sure this thing is working as it should.” ? They probably could mediate with both siblings and parent.

      1. Thursday Next*

        For better or worse, they used POA templates that were then notarized, so there’s been no attorney in the picture except for the real estate sale.

  56. HannahS*

    UGH I feel like such an idiot. I’m away from home on a placement, renting someone’s house, and I accidentally scorched their table. I had a tea candle on some foil and the wax spilled, caught fire, and was so hot that it made a scorch mark on the table. This morning, it’s not as terrible as I’d thought yesterday, but I’m still annoyed at myself for not realizing that that could happen (and simultaneously grateful that I knew where the fire extinguisher was and didn’t need to use it). I guess I’ll have to write to the landlord and let him know.

    1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      You might be able to fix it. Mr Clean Magic Eraser if it’s superficial or fine sand paper if it’s deeper. Then clean with linseed oil and finish with a wood wax. There’s lots of guides on the internet.

      Using a warm iron plus a couple of pieces of paper if wax is still present to start.

    2. The Man, Becky Lynch*

      If you try to refinish yourself, make sure you get their permission. Don’t try to sand it without their knowledge and go-ahead. I’ve seen people over-sand and it will destroy the table instead of just making a mark.

      Start by using steel wool, if it’s really just surface damage, that should be enough. Then you can use oil to seal it. But you may be surprised if the table is finished or stained and not just coated in linseed oil.

    3. Wishing You Well*

      Just write the landlord and leave the fixing to the owner. Don’t try to fix a table that’s not yours.
      Please.

  57. Atlanta?*

    What should someone know about Atlanta while considering an opportunity there? The furthest south I’ve lived is DC. What should I know about Atlanta as I go through this process? I asked late last weekend & was reassured that there are lots of trees & green spaces. Disappointed that a car will be a necessity instead of converting back to public transit. What else? Thanks, all.

    1. Mrs. Fenris*

      I didn’t see your post last weekend, but I live in the Atlanta suburbs. The need for a car is definitely a big one. And yes, we have lots of trees and green space! When you fly into Atlanta, from the air it looks like two clumps of high-rise buildings and a forest. You have to be on the ground before you realize there is an entire city under those trees! Let’s see:
      The cost of living is relatively low for a metro area; you may be pleasantly surprised at the cost of housing. Ditto for groceries and gas.
      We do have winter weather, we just don’t have it for long. You’ll definitely need a winter coat, for instance; you just might only wear it a total of 20-30 days the whole season.
      Everything you see on the news about how we handle the slightest snowfall is absolutely true. :-) And if you try driving in it, you’ll see why. We get a lot of black ice, and we have a lot of hills and deep ditches. Nobody will expect you to be anywhere if it’s snowing, so take advantage of our local neurosis and just don’t.
      What part of town will you be in? What other questions can you think of?

    2. Courageous cat*

      I think you should try to ask some more specific questions if you want more answers! I’d be happy to help (have lived in Atlanta for years and years, and metro Atlanta my whole life) but not sure what kind of stuff you want to know – I could write books upon books about the place.

      Additionally, r/atlanta is a great subreddit with lots of information.

  58. SAHM*

    I’m trying to avoid getting going this morning, I got up and made the kiddos pancakes but took my coffee and went back to bed after. I need to get up and take them to this car workshop where they turn their block of wood into a car, but i’m Just BLARG. Hubs comes home from his two week work trip tomorrow night, and I cleaned the carpets in the entire upstairs (minus the stairs) to surprise him. I’m trying to really have the house sparkle when he gets in, because usually it’s extra messy when he comes home from a work trip (four kiddos, one’s turning 10 months old ina couple days-and STILL won’t crawl) , but baby girl has been sitting up and playing with sister on her own a lot lately so I’ve been able to get more done. Usually by 9 months all my kiddos were crawling/mobile and sleeping in their own crib at night. Not little miss, it’s like bc she’s my last one she’s determined to eke out her babyhood forever. Also, having four people regularly dancing attendance on her means she can just point and scream for whatever she wants, what’s the point in learning to crawl?
    I really really really just want to go pull weeds in the garden and transplant my dahlias and ignore the pile of pancake mess, but duty (and block cars) calls.

    1. Sam Sepiol*

      Sounds like you’re putting an awful lot of pressure on yourself. Looking after four kids for two weeks without your husband is hard work; expecting to come home to a clean sparkling house would be pretty unreasonable on his part!

      Hope you managed to get your gardening done.

  59. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

    I’m preparing two finals at once
    Without taking any days off at work.
    In the middle of the summer.
    This is going to be interesting.

  60. Dyscalculia*

    Hi

    Has anyone here received a diagnosis of Dyscalculia as an adult? If so, I would be grateful to hear about your experiences of the process.

    1. Elizabeth West*

      Yep.
      I went to Vocational Rehabilitation after a job layoff in 2012 and they sent me to a neuropsychiatrist who finally diagnosed me. Mine is fairly severe and limits my employability, which did get me into the VR program. I chose the school option, as the job track is only about getting you a job and they don’t care whether it’s actually a good one.

      I don’t know where you live, but I couldn’t find any educational resources for adults with dyscalculia here (most of them are geared toward early intervention in kids). Also, everyone has different symptoms. What’s really tough for me might be easier for you, and vice versa. If you need accommodations at work, it will have to be documented. The diagnosing provider might be able to help with that. You can also check with the Job Accommodation Network website. They have a lot of information and you can also call and talk to someone if you have questions. They’re at askjan dot org.

  61. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

    After 2 weekends spent at the DMV, I finally got my drivers license transferred and updated…O.o

    Also, volunteering dilemma. I’m on a volunteer board of 20 people, in a subcommittee of 3. One left (the expert, last minute, moved states), so it’s me and another person and we’re novices. We were told our project involved 1/month rotations, but bc the expert left, it’s once every other week. It’s not what I signed up for.

    It’s not terrible enough to leave, but it sucks up a lot of time and my efforts are generally high pressure for a short time, and I don’t feel nearly as appreciated as I should be. (Case in point, co-member complained of not knowing how steps worked, so I wrote an entire mini instruction manual to help, sent it to the entire board. No thanks received at all.) I thought joining a board would mean making new friends, but not really. And the new president is much stricter and insists every member lead one major project/event, which is literally impossible logistically bc Gmail isn’t allowed on my place-not-discussed-weekends computer and it’s not up for debate.

    Thoughts? Ok enough to stay, not bad enough to leave?

    1. Kathenus*

      I spent many years on the board of a non-profit. The first 10 or so were great, then some of the leadership changed over and I wasn’t enjoying it so much. I was very invested in this group, and hung on for way too long at the board/committee level. Finally I got to the point where I realized that I was dreading certain parts of involvement, and why was I putting myself through that? I bowed out of active involvement and it was the best thing I’ve done for myself in a long while. I should have done it earlier, because even now several years past I still have a negative feeling towards the group which was and is still important to me. I should have backed out of heavy involvement earlier before I was souring on the whole group. My new rule of thumb, if volunteering – being in a certain group – taking a class – or whatever I’m doing on my own feels more like work and a task I HAVE to do versus something that I WANT to do, then it’s time to scale back or bow out. I’m not saying that I have to love every task I might be assigned with a group, but if overall the involvement and experience is weighing on me versus buoying me up, then it’s not the right thing for me at that time.

    2. Wishing You Well*

      Leave gracefully.
      A volunteer job should not be more grind than pleasure. Make space in your life for something different.
      Best Wishes.

      1. valentine*

        If you stay, tell them you’ll be going once a month, as agreed.

        To make friends, join something that’s more hobby than work.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Volunteer board work can be like another full time job.
      I think you are a lawyer? Watch this one. People will cuddle up to you because everyone wants a lawyer on their board. They hope for free legal advice. That is great if this is your arena, but other wise it’s like asking a heart surgeon about a toe nail fungus. It does not make sense.

      Boards do shrink and expand, so that flexing is pretty normal. I tend to think that the lack of thanks can be pretty normal also. If you stay you could make it a personal objective to create a board culture where people say thank you to each other. This is pretty easy- say thank you to someone in front of others as well as in private conversation. Give it some time and you will notice changes.

      Of everything here is the most concerning to me is the sudden increase in workload. So I would make a decision based on if I actually wanted to stay on or if I just preferred to leave.

      Wanting to stay on. If I wanted to stay, I would speak to the prez in private. I would say that I cannot sustain this level of a workload. Perhaps I could find someone to add to the board or perhaps my workload could be shared with another person. So it would look like this, “Prez, I just want you to know that I will be submitting my resignation [at our next meeting/ other random date] because I cannot sustain the workload here. I have too many other commitments and I cannot afford to give that much time.” Saying it in private gives the prez a chance to think how to salvage the situation. Maybe the prez is a mean person so there is no point to this, you’d know best on this point.

      Wanting to go. If I decided I just wanted to leave no matter what anyone offered, then I would type up a formal resignation. I’d either mail/email it or present it at the next board meeting.

      I am on a board now that is a 40 hour a week job. Not kidding. It’s because of all the regs from government and all the expectations set by our PTB. I am not sure that I will be able to stay on the board. I know leaving will hurt the board. I also know to put my own oxygen mask on first.

  62. SoCal Kate*

    Thanks to everyone who friended me (CalicoKate1776) on Pokemon Go a couple of weeks ago. I went from 7 friends to 39, and I’ve already hatched a lot of great 7 km eggs (including my first Snorlax).

    I’ve also had to create a spreadsheet for returning gifts. It’s great.

    1. Book Lover*

      Maybe we could do trader names again in a month or two – I am a bit overloaded right now, but eventually….

    2. GingerNinge11*

      It is a friendship weekend, so if anyone wants new Pokefriends, my code is 6148 7038 6487!

    3. Cruciatus*

      I’m very curious–why do you need a spreadsheet? To not replicate gifts from the same Pokestop to another trainer?

      1. SoCal Kate*

        I use a spreadsheet to track when I’ve last traded gifts with someone, so as to try to not go to long before sending any one person a gift. Basically, I’m trying to rotate through friends. I’m also using it to track where people are from, so I can get eggs from different areas when I need a new egg.

  63. Ask a Manager* Post author

    People who have had both boy and girl cats: Do you think there are personality/disposition differences by sex? Until we adopted Wallace, Sam was the only male cat I’d ever had; all the rest have been girls. Sam definitely was different — lazier and more mellow, but I attributed that to him also being enormous. But something about Wallace also seems distinctively different in a way I can’t articulate yet, and I’m trying to figure out if there really are sex differences, or if I’m just seeing him though my own socially-instilled gender lens. (And if it’s the latter, how insidious!)

    1. Asenath*

      No, I don’t think they’re different – well, not if they’re neutered/spayed; toms have very different interests than queens and also often a distinct shape – heavy across the shoulders. They’re much more likely to roam further, and what with crossing territories and trying to get close to an in heat cat, are much more likely to fight. But neutered/spayed? Most of my cats are/were female, and the most aggressive of the lot was female. She’s long gone to her reward, but I still remember saying apologetically to the vet (one of them cowered in a corner!) “She’s really sweet when she’s at home”. Which was true – at home, I didn’t try to make her hold still for examinations, for example. One of the sweetest and most laid-back was an ex-tom, physically mature by the time he was neutered. He deferred unquestioningly to Mandy (the Empress), even though by the time he moved is, she was old and cranky and not as strong as she had been. Later, when he was alone and I adopted Cinnamon, I got a lot of anxious questions from the shelter staff about the possibility of “the tom” being aggressive to a new cat, but he didn’t have an aggressive or territorial bone in his body. And hadn’t, technically, been a tom in years. Finally, the most aggression I’ve ever had between cats has been between the current two females, Cinnamon and Kerry.

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        Yeah, I didn’t mean more aggressive! The opposite, actually. There’s something very distinctively sweet about the two boy cats I’ve had. (And yes, spayed and neutered.)

        1. Asenath*

          Yeah, I say I don’t have favourites – but Sam (male) was an absolute sweetheart. And, sadly, the one who had the shortest life. Ten years isn’t bad, I suppose, but still….his kidneys failed and he went downhill really fast.

        2. Lady Jay*

          Oh, that’s so interesting! . . . Because now that I think about it, all the boy cats my family has had–four, three outside & one inside–have been sweet and lazy floofs who are ready to get along with almost anyone (they sometimes drew a line at small children). Many of the female cats have been a bit more high maintenance, though they mellowed out with age.

        3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I’ve had three male cats (two sweet, one aloof) and one female cat (aloof) in the past that have gone over the rainbow bridge. Currently the four in my house are all female – one is so affectionate with everyone (including the bigger of my dogs) that we joke she thinks she IS a dog. One (her sister) is crazy affectionate with my husband but terrified of anyone else. The two basement cats, again, one is fairly affectionate with everyone and one is a one-man cat for the most part. Not quite as bad as the other – we can sometimes pet this one, but only on her terms.

    2. Sasha*

      I’ve had several of each over my life and never seen any differences in behaviour or personality that corresponded to their sex. I think cats are just different, and as humans we tend to look for patterns and see them where they may not really exist.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          That is a tough one to sort.
          I have had 3 female dogs and 2 male dogs. The females were far more protective of me than the males or so it seems in my mind. I don’t think I can be certain that my own biases aren’t at play here.

          Annnd compounding matters, I have become less strict with my animals over the decades and they probably have less training because I am less apt to turn situations into a teaching moment.
          I could have a false attribution here, perhaps my female dogs were imitating my strictness by guarding me more and my male does were copying my more relaxed attitude by focusing on welcoming people.

          This stuff is hard to figure.

          1. JamieS*

            Side note on dog protectiveness, I saw this video (Dateline or something like that) where dog protectiveness was tested with a guy pretending to break in and attack the owner to see how the dogs react. All the female dogs ran away and the male dogs tried to protect their owner. Although the male dogs were together and the females solo so not sure how much was sexual differences and how much was pack mentality.

            Also, IIRC police largely use male dogs because males are more likely to chase after a suspect while females are more prone to want to stay with their handler. The tendency can be trained out of the females but there’s a definite difference in the sexes there. Not sure if those sex differences apply to cats as well though.

        2. curly sue*

          I find there’s more difference between breeds than between sexes within the same breed. The asian breeds I’ve had (Burmese and Siamese) have always been far more affectionate than the american shorthairs / generic moggies, and my Bengal boy was a sharp-edged wild man. My mom’s got two Burmese from the same litter, mind you, and her boy cat is noticeably more affectionate than his sister.

    3. Rovannen*

      We have found our male cats to be more lovey/cuddling and welcomed attention whether or not they initiated it. Our female cats were definitely cat cliches, aloof unless they initiated contact, demanding, but all on their own terms.

      1. SAHM*

        +1 our girl cats are very aloof, and Abby in particular uses the house as a waystation for food and sleep. But our boys are cuddle city, and Dexter even allows baby to use him as a pillow, pull on whiskers, get carried through the house by toddlers, he’s just a big lug. Gibbs doesn’t go that far, but he cuddles the adults for sure.

    4. Sprechen Sie Talk?*

      I think so, we have one of each and either there is a kitty hierarchy in the house, or its girls being girls (my sister’s girl cat is similar to ours)

      Our boy is a lovable loaf who likes to watch his YouTube kitty videos, look for the sun in lamps during the winter, watch the ducks and birds, and lounge on the outside table in the summer. Sometimes he tries to be a Dude and go meowing in the yard when he hears the other kitties in the neighborhood, but its nowhere near as howling as the unfixed tom in the area, and kinda sounds whiny and pathetic. Honestly, he just likes to sleep, play, and eat, not to mention need his snuggles. Hes neutered.

      His sister, on the other hand, is Princess. Man, she RULES the house with an iron paw and she’s smart. Very much a chatterer and very much into her routine. If you get home late, you will hear about it. If its after 5.30pm for wet food or 8.30 for pre-bed snack, you will hear about it. She yells at me to get up in the morning so she can have my spot in the bed. We just got a motion sensor spray can so we could shut the bedroom door and within a week she had figured out to run into the bedroom when I went to bed and hide underneath, then emerge at her usual 5.30 am to wake us up to feed her. Her dumb brother is now scared of both the bedroom door AND the can. She is also fixed, and we adopted them at the same time (they aren’t related) and they are the same age (8 yrs).

      When my sister’s cat and ours visited mom and dad at the same time, the two lady cats would get extremely territorial and boy cat would just try and stay out of it, not to mention he’s mom’s favorite. But the two girls would just hiss and bitch at each other, one taking an elevated position on chairs and the other staking out the bedrooms. However we have friends with one of each, adopted older and not at the same time, and the boy cat is a total bruiser intimidating the girl. Well, was, until they got a bigger house and everyone got some space!

      To sum – I think there is a difference and maybe it comes down to the fixing, but I do find the behavioral differences pretty interesting!

    5. The Man, Becky Lynch*

      I’ve had males and female cats throughout life, my parents have one of each at the moment!

      I don’t see a difference in the sexes personally. My cat is a boy and he’s a holy terror since turning about 6 months until recently, he’s starting to mellow out…a bit.

      It can be a breed thing! Our male Mainecoon is so chill, always has been, relaxed and skittish at times, never attacks, never bites. My girl is an American shorthair and has always been a lowkey monster. She rolled the dog the other day I hear, at the tender age of 15. She has always been a nibbler, since I got her as a kitten. My boy is a Bombay and is an ambush artist and bounces off the wall regularly, I’ve never had a cat who acted like this and we frequently get cats early on in their life, so it’s not attributed to their experiences prior to coming to live with us.

      I haven’t been able to find girl vs boy traits thinking back on each one. They all have their distinctive personalities but not gender linked. Only spraying and the more likelihood to run in the end. Boys tend to stray more than girls because they’re going tomming but that’s pretty obvious and not personality linked!

    6. Not All*

      Between fosters and my own, I’ve had well over hundred cats for a minimum of a few months and dozens for 1oyrs +. (Yes, crazy cat lady!) I would say there is a far bigger difference between individuals than between genders. For every stereotype of what to expect from cat behavior by gender, I can usually point to more who broke it than fulfilled it (pretty much like every other stereotype out there).

      1. Not All*

        To add, it can also be a self-fulfilling prophecy. (Much like “boys are better at math”, which is bs right up until the teachers/parents make it that way).

        Anecdote time! My grandparents were CONVINCED that male cats were friendly & lazy and female cats were hunters & stand-offish. So every time they would adopt a pair of littermates, they would spend a ton of time cuddling the male, and play a lot of string game with the female. Guess how most of their pairs turned out? The last pair was about 1.5 yrs old and going true to form when they had to move into a retirement community and I ended up with their cats. I had acreage & a pet door. Never once saw the female hunt anything but she would snuggle all night in the crook of my arm…the male turned into a mousing machine that was outside more than not.

      2. SemiRetired*

        Yes, this. I’ve had cats of both genders. My current pair are littermates and therefore, twins. (Although fraternal so just regular sibs, genetically.) They are quite different from each other,in the myriad ways described elsewhere. I think cats can have more pronounced gender differences if they are not neutered. Tom cats have certain tendencies, and queens who have given birth and then mothered their kittens may also have related behaviors…. more from being in the momcat role, I think, but I’ve never had a female cat who was also a mother so I can’t say from experience.
        Things that affect cat personalities more than gender: being socialized as kittens with humans, staying with their mothers long enough to be weaned and learn to use litter box, being neutered, being declawed. (Not recommending this last, just saying it hurts them and can affect personality and behavior. My current boy cats were declawed as kittens and I adopted them from the shelter at age 3. They both have more of a tendency to bite than any other cats I have known and I think it’s likely that behavior contributed to them being surrendered to the shelter.)

    7. tangerineRose*

      I’ve mostly had female cats. The male cat I have now is sweet, affectionate, bossy when he wants attention, and although he makes friendly noises to the 2 lady cats, he sometimes tries to eat whatever food they’re eating. One of the female kitties is quite affectionate when she wants to be.

    8. Lena Clare*

      I think there is a difference. I have 1 girl cat, 1 boy cat – but because I’ve never had cats before I don’t know if it’s their gender or their birth order.
      They were very ill when I got them as rescue cats and the elder (the girl) looked after the yonger boy. They kind of act like older sister and younger brother to me.

      They’re both very sweet, she’s more cautious and looks out for him, he’s more chatty will complain about stuff like the rain and next door’s cat, and is more irresponsible and takes more risks. He’s not aggressive to me but he’s been in more fights than she has. I think, even though he’s neutered, that he’s more territorial.

    9. Need a Beach*

      I have owned two boys, and both were/are aggressive little sh1ts despite being neutered. I’ve owned five girls, and even the ones who were very alpha did not express dominance in the rough physical way the boys did. The girls were more likely to be bossy in stealthy ways, like guarding doorways and staircases to control passage. In my experience, the boys have been all dumb muscle and the girls have been all mind games.

      To be fair, I should note that my second boy is most probably brain damaged. He dragged himself into my garage unweaned and almost starved to death, with sunken-in eyes. I’m pretty sure he suffered developmental problems. Getting him healthy was an arduous process, and as an adult his behavior makes me suspect he has poor vision and poor motor control.

    10. Rosie M. Banks*

      I’ve had several girl cats, who ranged from friendly and loving to extremely friendly and loving. I currently have a girl and a boy (siblings). The girl is very sweet, and the boy is also sweet, but shy and easily scared. But I think it is an individual thing, not a boy thing. The nice people at the shelter worked really hard to socialize him, because as a kitten he was scared to death of all humans. He’s turned into a nice cat, but he’s always going to be timid.

    12. Basia, also a fed*

      My parents had dozens of cats growing up (they have six right now). I’ve several in my adult life. And, yes, in general, I have found the boys to be more laid-back, friendly, cuddly, and lower energy. Not all of them of course, but most of them. It seems like it happens too much (at least in my experience) to be a coincidence.

    13. I'm A Little Teapot*

      In my limited experience with male cats, they’re either much more mellow or much more aggressive than the average for females. However, that’s based on 4 males vs 20+ females. I do know males are more likely to spray than females.

  64. Nervous Accountant*

    TY to everyone who responded on my posts last weekend!

    I kept myself busy the rest of Saturday and was at work on Sunday so I didn’t get a chance to respond.

    Saturday, after that episode, I ended up getting my hair done and i felt like it literally gave me life. Then I worked on Sunday and met up with a friend afterwards so that was nice.

    When I came home on Saturday, I talked to my mother, and we cried and hugged. I know yall brought up a good point about being allowed to mourn, but that wasn’t her intent. See, before My dad died, I wasn’t very nice to him either. I wasn’t as angry with him as I was with my mom and he didn’t say or treat me the way she did..but I stupidly assumed he’d be around forever…I really took it for granted that he was the rock of the family. Despite my missing him and grief, when he was alive, I had my underlying issues (basically, “you didn’t do XYZ when I was a kid, so now stop trying to parent me and let me figure it out on my own”) and sadly I never communicated this to him. So I have those regrets and I dont’ want to repeat those regrets.

    During the fight, I had also said, that I’m alone, it’s not like anyone is helping me… she said its not her fault she couldn’t give me more siblings (I grew up feeling super lonely), and I feel REALLY awful for saying that.

    And I’m not proud of this, but a relative reached out to me, and I lashed out at her saying none of them gave a crap about us. I know that wasn’t right, and I apologized after I’d cooled down.

    Anyways, I decided to let go of my anger at her. It just felt like so much energy being upset all the time. It is what it is.

    1. Asenath*

      I had a lot of conflicts with my mother. Letting go of them was one of the best things I did for myself. I won’t say we ever became best buddies like in all those stories and ideal mother/daughter relationships, but putting aside all the old stuff was necessary for me.

      1. curly sue*

        I hear this from varying directions, but one thing I’ve never understood is the actual practical aspect of this. How do you ‘put these things aside’ so that you actually don’t care anymore, rather than simply telling yourself that you *shouldn’t* care anymore? Meditation? Therapy to talk it all out? Yoga? Gluing someone’s photo to a punching bag?

        I feel like there has to be a mechanism by which people manage this, but I’ve never been able to clear something out enough that it doesn’t rebubble at 2 am every once in a while. (My major sign of PMS is finding myself having decade-old mental fights with people while I’m in the shower. “Ah yes – I’m running the ‘you were always a crappy father’ script today; must stock up on chocolate at the store.”)

        1. Asenath*

          Practice, basically. Meditation doesn’t seem to work for me; I tried it a number of times, and I doze off or my mind wanders. I’ve done a bit of therapy (who hasn’t?). I suppose it helped a bit, but I’ve never been entirely sure. I try to keep myself a bit on balance, because for sure if I allow myself to get overworked or overstressed, some bad stuff will bubble up, and sometimes I get bad moods for no apparent reason. But what it comes down to is turning my mind away from it again, and again and again. And accepting that maybe it’ll pop up if I’m badly stressed or something, but that’s just my mood and I need to take care of myself for a while. Sometimes I remind myself of why I have decided to put whatever it is behind me before I turn my mind from it. I have to remind myself of my planned response if someone else is involved. I pray about it, if I can bring myself to (sometimes, early on, I’m just too angry). It gets easier and more effective over time. It’s surprising, really – sometimes I was sure something would never leave me, but the memory became less and less frequent, and one day I realize that even if someone or something reminded me, the anger or other negative emotions were gone.

          One really good reminder comes from listening to other people talk bitterly of things that happened decades or more ago – quarrels that will never be resolved, sometimes involving people who are now long dead. I don’t want to waste time being bitter and unhappy about historical stuff like that, and so I put effort into dealing with my feelings and memories and then putting them out of my mind as frequently as necessary. No living rent-free in my head, as people say.

    2. Dr. Anonymous*

      I’m so sorry you feel awful. I really believe that when normally nice people say awful things, it’s because they are overstressed and emotionally or physically worn out. I hope you can get your brother to take a turn and have some peace and quiet away from your mom so you can just listen to the voice of your own soul.

  65. Alzheimers or dementia?*

    I wanted to make this a standalone post.

    I’m honestly scared if my mom has the beginnings of Alzheimers or dementia. She doesn’t understand basic concepts or remember much.

    AFAIK neither of these run in the family..

    I guess here are my questions….

    For those of you who had relatives with this, how did you know it was normal forgetfulness versus something a Dr should look into?

    She has a Dr appt this week, and my husband is taking her. I want to see if he can speak to the Dr.
    Not sure how it’ll go over but fingers crossed.

    1. Asenath*

      I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this, and I can’t help much except to advise you to get expert medical advice. Even then, at some stages, the doctors don’t always agree – during her last hospitalization, I had conflicting medical opinions as to whether my mother’s mental state was due to delirium or dementia. Find out what her doctor says, and also check out some of the resources for caregivers if she is sliding into dementia – I think most countries will have organizations that provide that sort of support. Lots of people get dementia, even if they don’t have a family history of it, but the progression and symptoms can vary from one individual to another. That’s why you need a proper medical evaluation for your mother, and also as much additional information as you can gather.

      1. The Cosmic Avenger*

        Right, because delirium and dementia are really descriptions of symptoms, and not every patient will have textbook symptoms.

        OP, first, a quick example or guideline for normal forgetfulness vs. delirium or dementia is forgetting where you put your keys; if you left them in your coat pocket or even the car, that’s fairly normal, but if you find them in the refrigerator, that’s cause for concern. Forgetting that you told someone a joke or story once is perfectly normal, but repeating the same story over and over in the same day or hour because you don’t remember telling it is not.

        I want to expand on what I said earlier in the open thread, that a *specialist* really needs to do a full evaluation and screening to rule out treatable and reversible causes of dementia. There really is no definitive way to tell if someone has Alzheimer’s disease without studying a sample of their brain tissue under a microscope, and for obvious reasons that’s not done with living patients. But geriatric psychiatrists, neuropsychiatrists, or geriatricians should know how to screen for other causes in order to either rule them out, or possibly treat or even cure them. Some primary physicians may do some screening tests, but unless they find something that is causing the delirium or dementia, they usually need to refer patients to a specialist for further testing.

        1. Book Lover*

          Funnily enough, I tell patients the opposite – if you find your keys in the fridge, that is typically being distracted, not being demented. Usually if there are persistent concerns from family and friends (as opposed to an occasional lapse or the patient being concerned) that is grounds for an evaluation.

          1. The Cosmic Avenger*

            Yeah, it’s not a great analogy, but I’ve had a lot of people who forget on which table or in which coat they’ve left their keys, and that’s not a problem. Finding them very often in weird places that don’t make sense is not usual, but it could just be indicative of being overly stressed/distracted, sure.

            1. curly sue*

              During the year my mother was caregiving for her mother / dealing with nursing homes / etc, she was forever finding things in odd places. The bread knife vanished for weeks only to resurface on the very top shelf in the pantry (put it away with the peanut butter one day), she found the mustard on the window sill after Gd knows how long (put it down when she realized the plants needed watering) and so on. No dementia, thankfully, just life stress.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      It was more than forgetfulness.
      There was the anger, and random outbursts and irrational conclusions. Irrational conversations. And frustration with ordinary tasks, inability to do ordinary tasks. Inability to find work-a-rounds if simple things did not go the way they should.
      Lost items, lots of lost items. Some we never found. Broken items, such as the spritzer nozzle on the kitchen sink got broken into 17 pieces (anger, frustration).
      The number one thing that stuck in my mind was the nastiness. Just plain mean speech that never stopped. Flushed cheeks and constantly runny nose.

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        :( *hugs*

        In my case, the anger, irrational conclusions and nastiness has been there for 25+ years.

        I just can’t get over how she literally “forgot” that she was handed a not insignificant amount of cash just days ago and forgot that she has it.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          Yep. I watched the anger and nastiness for 19 years before she was diagnosed. I don’t quite believe the diagnosis, I think there was a lot more going on there. So she was diagnosed when I was 19 and she lived another 5 years. At the time it felt like she lived another 20 years, but in reality it was 5. The last time I saw her she had a straight jacket on because those were legal back then. I understood why the nursing home did that.
          I loved her because that is what we are supposed to do, but I did not like her. She wasn’t likable.
          So yes, the cash story. I can see that happening. With my mother it was the accident. She got the car damaged somehow and was unable to tell us what happened. Additionally there was some question as to why she would have even chose that road to go home. She stopped driving on her own, fortunately. So the driving issue only got bigger in our minds but never became an issue in reality. After that the wandering started. She would go out of the house and who knew where she was. If we asked we’d get a bunch of anger… over a simple question.
          She had me believing I was a bad daughter and a rotten person and a total failure. She thrived on putting me down. It was all a game, she turned this stuff off when my father was around. I ended up more angry at my father for not stopping it than I was angry with her for doing it. My father had NO clue what was going on behind his back.

          It’s not YOU, NA. It’s not you. Please work on understanding this.
          (hugs)

      2. Earthwalker*

        Yes, this: angry outbursts about things that Dad used to understand but didn’t anymore. He was 89 when he went from on top of everything to uncertain about bank notices and bills. From there it went downhill fast: in a few months, he was getting lost coming home from the same grocery he’d visited for years. In a few more, he couldn’t handle everyday bills and suspected that billers were trying to cheat him. In a few more, he told me he’d never had any kids with his first wife, my mom. I was advised by some elder care experts to tell his doctor right away, which I did eventually. The doctor made it easy: he called Dad in without mentioning me, did cognitive tests, and set an appointment to tell Dad (with me there) what he’d need to change to address cognitive problems (like give up his keys). The doctor would be the bad guy so that I could maintain a good and sympathetic relationship. But I had procrastinated until I was absolutely sure there was a problem, and by then Dad had gone from anger to paranoia. He decided the doctor was out to get him and refused the appointment. You’ve got a great opportunity to call now and tell the doc what you’re worried about and what behaviors you’ve seen. If it’s nothing, they’ll tell you. If it’s something, they’ll let you know what needs to be done now and later and probably point you to a slew of local resources that can help.

    3. The Man, Becky Lynch*

      First off, has she always been forgetful? Or is this now developing? Does she EVENTUALLY remember things?

      Does she have ‘good days’ and ‘bad days’? Or is she constantly forgetful and misunderstanding of basics?

      If she’s eventually remembering where she put her keys or knows how to retrace her steps, it’s most likely not dementia characteristics. However everyone is very different and takes in depth tests to rule it diagnose it.

      Is she fearful when she forgets or even knowledgeable that her memory is slipping?

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        I guess I could say she could be forgetful. Sometimes she will remember old things very clearly. Other times she can’t keep dates straight, like missing a day on my brother’s b-day or what day my dad died.

        Now, the thing is I don’t know if it’s b/c I’m spending more time with her that I’m noticing this and didn’t realize she’d been like this for a while, OR… the fact that my dad managed every.single.thing and she never had to worry about anything and suddenly she’s faced with having to manage things herself (my husband and I do a lot of the work but a lot of the things, we need her input on and can’t just leave her out).

        I guess here’s a few examples..

        Last week our fight started b/c she asked me to bring her her money from the bank. I had given it to her 3 days prior. She said “you never gave me anything.”

        I used to think her forgetfulness was intentional.. (“I never said that/did that to you”).

        The cognitive stuff, I don’t know how to describe it too well. It’s like… just not being willing to learn anything new, something we did last week she’ll forget that it’s already done, etc. If she doesn’t understand, she gets frustrated. YOu have to repeat it 6 times in different ways for her to understand. And I’m scared b/c I’m like that too. But to me the biggest thing was the forgetfulness; I can get over the forgetting she used to say certain things, but how can you forget when someone handed you a thick wad of cash 3 days ago?

      2. Nervous Accountant*

        She eventually remembered that I gave her the money after I exploded and cried that she was accusing me of stealing. She just cried and said she forgets a lot more now.
        I gave her more cash a few days ago, and I told her please remember I gave you this. It was just the two of us for a few weeks and my husband is coming back today. I don’t know if she was like this with my dad too.
        I can get over the “I never said mean things” stuff, but I don’t know why, the fact that she can’t remember something that literally happened days ago troubles me.

        1. Dan*

          I don’t think the admonishment to “please remember” is going to be effective. You’re probably better off having her sign a receipt, and if she gets angry about that, there’s your Alzheimer’s.

          My mother for the most part is extremely repetitive. Some things are harmless, and some things are not. To me, the line is when the memory starts affecting relationships, and yours counts.

          On my end… I had to get hospitalized for an overnight procedure a few months ago. We had gotten together with my aunt and uncle for a weekend about the month before. Mom told the *same story* about how a friend of theirs had the same procedure done… she told the same story close to a dozen times. That’s harmless, albeit annoying.

          However, my mom is a bit of a prude and always has been. I see my family once a year, and my brother and I will usually toss back more than a few brewskies. My mother won’t shut up about it — if she had all of her faculties, it would call for “mom, we’re adults and can make our own decisions than you very much” conversation. It’s fine to “express concern” *once*, but that’s it. The problem is, I can’t tell the difference between her “expressing concern” a dozen times, and her being a nag.

          Likewise, a few years ago, she was up my all weekend about going to church with my mom and dad. I don’t go to church now, and haven’t since I left the house twenty years ago. I railed her pretty hard for that after about the 8th time or so, and she looked shocked and said she didn’t remember talking to me about it at all.

          I guess to me the harmless stuff is typical old age stuff. The stuff that affects relationships is not typical. FWIW, I think the anger and what not is a bit of a give away.

        2. Quandong*

          Your mother sounds like a mean person who is now also suffering from short-term memory loss, or an inability to make new memories easily. Even if you can’t understand or relate to this inability, you can take steps to protect yourself from her accusations in future.

          It’s crucial that you document any instances where you give her money, interact with her bank, order or collect prescriptions, make medical appointments or handle legal matters.

          Get signed receipts from her every time. Photograph them. Consider taking quick photos of her with the money, or item. If you run errands, post documents, or take care of other tasks, likewise document these too.

          I hope your mother is assessed soon by a competent specialist but please take care of yourself in the meantime. I recommend finding out what’s involved if you are likely to take on legal responsibilities such as power of attorney.

    4. Thursday Next*

      This is so hard, and I feel for you. First, it is absolutely possible for you to contact your mother’s doctor in advance, and raise your concerns. Obviously, the doctor can’t share any information with you, but you can describe some of what you’re seeing. There are some physical illnesses that can have cognitive symptoms, so it would be good for the doctor to be on the lookout for those.

      As others have said, diagnosing dementia really is a task for a geriatric specialist, whether that’s a neurologist or neuropsychologist. I have a definite bias toward seeking a medical evaluation, and others may not urge you to have your mother see a specialist as strongly as I would. For me, what concerned me in your post was your description of your mother being unable to understand things. I hope you and your mother’s husband are able to get her to someone who can do a thorough evaluation.

      2. Cheshire Cat*

        Seconding this, my mother has started getting frequent UTIs and sometimes the only symptoms are confusion and forgetfulness. And the standard test isn’t always accurate for older women, and not all doctors are aware of this. My mother spent several weeks getting more and more confused, and went to the doctor 2 or 3 times before she was diagnosed correctly. She was back to normal after just 2 days on antibiotics.

        Not saying this is the case for everyone who’s confused/forgetful, but if it started suddenly it’s a possibility.

        1. Jersey's mom*

          My mom has dementia and seems to get UTI’s more often. They definitely impact her mental state and can cause significant flare ups of dementia symptons.

          Just another thing to put on the list of things to be aware of when a family member has dementia…

    5. LNLN*

      My MIL’s general practitioner was woefully unprepared to assess her dementia. Ask for a referral to a neurologist or geriatrician for an assessment. The sooner your mom is properly assessed, the sooner she can begin appropriate medications and possible safety issues can be addressed. I ended up talking with my MIL’s doctor to tell him that she was not able to dress herself (putting on slacks backwards, unable to figure out how to put on a cardigan) before he understood what was going on with her. The doctor may not be able to discuss your mother’s medical condition with you (without having her permission) but you or your husband can most certainly give the doctor information about your mother even without her permission. Wishing you all well!

    6. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      Sending a hug. Understand completely… And what I found personally (the person I’m thinking of had toxic levels of chemical in the brain due to cancer, not dementia)… was that any semblance of the mask of sweetness was gone, and the pendulum swung to 100% true-soul. Nasty, exacerbated by frustration and anger… not able to make the body do things, not able to remember, not able to cope.
      Take extra care of yourself as this gets worked out against the caregiver.
      My heart hurts for you.

    7. Need a Beach*

      Seeing the doctor is best, of course, but you can help by writing down examples of things that have concerned you. A diary of dates/times/incidents to show patterns would be a huge help to the doc.

      Some behaviors that aren’t on a “top signs of dementia” google list but that are known:

      Fear of crossing thresholds, like using stairs or entering rooms where the flooring changes significantly. This can be related to mobility, but isn’t always. If you’ve ever seen video of dogs first experiencing a glass floor, it’s like that. The brain seems to lose the ability to process complicated visual/textural changes to the immediate surroundings.

      Hydrophobia. People begin to bathe less because they dislike the feel of water. Getting people in later stages of AD to shower/bathe is often very difficult because they cry and fight.

      Focusing on the past. When the ability to form new memories becomes impaired, the person often mentally shifts into the past both intentionally and accidentally. Someone who used to be very interested in “catching up” on your week, for example, may instead now focus conversations on telling stories about the “good old days”. It can seem like simple nostalgia and thus is a bit of an elderly stereotype, but it can be quite intentional on their part to hide the widening gap in their short-term memory.

      In the mid stages, the body begins to break down. The back can hunch over, feet begin to shuffle, arms curl up into the torso.

      If you do get the bad news, please consider estate planning/PoA as soon as your mind and heart have had a chance to settle. Your mother will need to plan for someone to make decisions in her best interest, and you want to know that you’ve made arrangements that follow her wishes while she is still able to articulate them.

      1. Nervous Accountant*

        I haven’t noticed any of that. She has trouble walking but she does it. She seems to be perfectly fine moving around within the house. I wouldn’t say she’s unhealthy about the past, b/c she lost her husband of almost 50 years, so I can’t blame her for thinking about the good old days.

        1. Kuododi*

          Is your mom having trouble with balance/coordination and incontinence along with the memory problems? I know it’s an odd question however there’s a dementia condition called Normal Pressure Hydrocephalus. It’s sx are literally increased problem with balance, urinary incontinence and memory problems. ( The expression often used regarding this condition is: ” wet, wacky and wobby.”). I’ve got family currently dealing with this matter so it’s something for which I’m familiar. Bottom line, there needs to be an eval by neuropsychiatry and a neurologist for proper dx. Its a condition where there is fluid buildup in the brain and tx is to have a shunt placed to drain the fluid. It’s often misdiagnosed as Alzheimer’s so be prepared to argue for the testing if you and your family feel NPH might be the actual problem. The bright side is if your mom turns out to have NPH, the shunt will provide relief and she could potentially regain some level of functioning. (Standard disclaimer… I am not a MD so I can only give you information based on my experience as a family member of someone with this problem.). Best wishes to you and your family. If I can help with additional information, don’t hesitate to post back questions.

    8. Rhymes with Mitochondria*

      Inability to multi task. Like cooking. Can’t chop veggies AND keep an eye on the water to add the pasta when it boils. Veggies would get chopped, pan would boil dry.
      Inability to complete multi-step instructions, even as simple as “would you go to the bedroom and bring my reading glasses?” One step they could do. Nothing more.
      Loss of filters, saying things that were completely inappropriate and having no clue why it upset people.
      Talking around and around and around common words.
      Replying to something in a conversation from 15-20 minutes ago because it took them that long to compose their contribution. Eventually just listening and not participating any more.
      And, as others said, anger and frustration.

    9. Wishing You Well*

      I’d contact the doctor’s office AHEAD of time and list your concerns. Doctors want to know beforehand what’s going on. Patient confidentiality doesn’t prevent you from telling docs what you’re observing with the patient.
      Put it in writing (text/email), if you feel that would help.
      The cause(s) could be anything, by the way. I hope it gets diagnosed and treated.

    10. Jen Erik*

      I don’t think there’s a genetic risk with Alzheimers (except when it’s early onset), so I don’t think it’s relevant whether it runs in the family.

      In my mum’s case, she was worried, so they referred her for testing. It’s relatively straightforward stuff – what day is it? where are you? who’s the Prime Minister? can you copy this shape? can you remember these three things? can you draw a clock? etc. You get a score (out of 50, maybe, maybe less) and they track it year on year. So my mum’s first test was inconclusive, the second year they put her on medication (which not everyone finds helpful, but she really did. The doctor said that where it worked, it on average gave an extra three tears of better quality of life, and that it could work for as long as a decade.)
      There’s a typical deterioration in this score year-on-year (they told me this about year 5, it would have been helpful to know earlier).
      When the score is around 13, is where – I was told- it typically becomes tricky, with the patient confusing night and day. This was what we found.

      But of course there are other forms of dementia which will be different.

      As to when I personally panicked – it was when we were discussing making a new curtain and I couldn’t get her to understand how the curtains attached to the curtain poles. She just couldn’t remember curtain hooks. (She was the person who had taught me to make curtains in the first place.)

      I found watching Dr Jennifer Bute’s thoughts on dementia really helpful at this stage – I think a bit because she seemed a similar sort of person to my mum, and because she talked quite positively about her circumstances. Her Christianity informed her thinking, but I don’t remember her as being at all preachy.

      1. LCL*

        A lot isn’t known about Alzheimer’s disease. But the latest articles show there may be a genetic component in some cases. There’s still a lot to learn, science hasn’t identified what starts the disease process, yet.

    11. ..Kat..*

      Sometimes disease or medication interactions can cause or exacerbate these symptoms. Good for you for getting a checkup for your Mom. Is your Mom okay with contacting the doctor’s office and letting them know that SIL will be with her and she wants him in on the discussion portion of the visit? This is important to make sure important questions get asked, and also because Mom is forgetful? Is your Mom willing to put in her chart that her medical info can be discussed with you and your husband?

  66. Seeking Second Childhood*

    Oh the irony… in December we cut down four overhanging trees to prevent power line damage. This morning a tree 20 feet back and apparently healthy was blown out of the ground and took out our power line. Weirdly small root ball.
    We have a fire in the fireplace, the generator is ready to go if the power company doesn’t get here before dark, and my farm-raised electrical engineer husband already cleared away the tree so nothing could delay reconnection.
    (Over my objections… it’s dry. I’m not close enough to touch anything. I’m wearing rubber shoes. Gah. It’s still counter to every lesson *I* ever received. But then again, he survived contact with 240VAC so I guess he’s just blasé.)
    The real fun begins when we’re reconnected and learn what electronics need to be replaced. We know the fridge is a goner because there was smoke coming out the back… thats old and was already on the replacement wishlist. But three computers were running and went down hard.

    1. Need a Beach*

      Oh no! That sucks. A thunderstorm fried our dishwasher, of all things. I was abnormally pissed because it worked amazing but was discontinued, and I hate the (supposedly comparable next-gen) replacement. We bought a whole-house surge protector after that experience.

      Before, I’d always assumed computers and TVs were all you had to worry about when it comes to lightning/power issues.

    3. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Update: we lost a few LED bulbs. Technically the fridge still works, but we already wanted to replace it so this is the week.
      We got off so easily… 11am on a dry Saturday just below freezing. The house got chilly enough we retreated to the room with the woodstove, but nowhere near pipe -freezing worries.
      And the tree landed on nothing but wires & lawn & pavement.

  67. Single lady*

    I’m single again after my relationship (thought it was my fairytale happy ending relationship) ended a few months ago. It’s been tough, I’ve been really struggling to pick myself up and put my life back together.

    It’s my birthday in a couple of weeks and I really didn’t think I’d be single and childless at 36…. how do you go on and keep trying to find your person? I’m running low on hope. I’m trying to be kind to myself but it’s hard not to go down the road of “something must be wrong with me.”

    My friends have been great but I feel like I’m starting to burn them out. One of them kindly recommended that I try to focus on times in my life before ex where I was happy – to remember how I can be on my own. Here’s the thing though, life has always been *hard* and my happiest times have always been in relationships. The happiest I’ve ever been was with ex.

    Ugh. Advice? Thoughts? Anything welcome :)

    1. Similar*

      I don’t know that I have much advice, but I am in a similar situation. I’ve had to learn to be OK with the way my life is going even if it’s totally not what I thought I’d be doing. I thought I’d be married and have kids. I never thought I’d date a smoker. I’m single (with a smoker boyfriend) and realized I don’t want kids. I guess I had to learn that my childhood predictions of how I’d be as an adult are wrong. Why do we think we can “predict” the future as children anyway?! You are who you are without having a significant other. You will get through this. You will grow from it. Good luck!

    2. Wishing You Well*

      Sorry you’re going through this.
      This is a temporary low spot, even if it doesn’t feel that way. Life is hard – with or without someone. You can be with the love of your life and still want to stab them with a fork sometimes – repeatedly. But do friends and neighbors know that? Hopefully, not. We’re all just trying to make the best of wherever we are in life.
      Here’s a thought: try reveling in being master of your own space and time. Eat crackers in bed. Leave the tv running all night. Sing loud, dance crazy in your place. Sharpen your sense of who you are – your style, your opinions. You are a whole and complete person.
      I hope things get better over time.

    3. Book Lover*

      I feel like I harp on this, and it isn’t relevant to everyone, so I try not to. If you want kids, there are options to do that by yourself – not always – finances, preferences, so many things go into this. But I try to separate the partner and kids thing, because they don’t always go together and it is important to be clear on what you really want.

      For you, it sounds that you really prefer to be partnered, and that is ok – then you need to figure out when you are ready and maybe then see if you can be set up with people by friends who know you well, or consider online dating, etc. But it is important not to feel you are somehow damaged just because you haven’t found the right person – sometimes it just takes time.

      1. Single lady*

        You are right- I really do prefer being partnered. I’ve been in four long term relationships and they all only get so far before things fall apart. I’m trying to be introspective and also kind to myself but all I’ve wanted is to be the person that found their person at 26 and build a life together.

        I do fine on my own, but it feels more like existing instead of living you know? And I look around me and I’m like how the heck are all these ppl in relationships and I’m still not?! I have so much to offer and I can’t figure out what I’m doing wrong- my previous ex told me a year after we split that he regretted everything and wished he had been a better man.

        Is my picker off? How do I try again and trust anyone?

        I’m doing therapy but right now feels like an existential crisis. I know things are really hard for couples too, but I honestly don’t think anyone that hasn’t lived through it knows *how* hard it is to keep doing relationships over and over again.

        1. Dan*

          How long is long term?

          We can play the “what’s harder” game until the cows come home, but that’s futile. I dont think anybody has a lock on who has it hardest.

          Overall, though, what’s “hard” are wrong relationships. My ex wife and I were together 6.5 years from the day we met to the day divorce was final. She was the wrong person for me, and that relationship was hell.

          I much, much, much prefer being single to being married to her.

          My current FWB and I have been together for 3.5 years. This relationship is *easy*. There are financial considerations that make getting married a difficult choice, but as a long term partner? This one is otherwise great.

          You ask if there is something off with your picker. Well, you cannot know before the first date. That’s why you date! But at this point, you have to have a sense about what works for you and what doesn’t. Your issue may be that you don’t cut bait fast enough when you figure out something is working. Are *you* breaking things off, or is it always the other person? If you are the one breaking things off, why are you waiting so long to do so?

          1. Anonymous Educator*

            I know things are really hard for couples too, but I honestly don’t think anyone that hasn’t lived through it knows *how* hard it is to keep doing relationships over and over again.

            Single lady, while your troubles are very real and very difficult, it really won’t do you any good to imagine others’ lives are easier because they have partners, or that yours will be easier if you find a longer-term partner than you’ve had.

            1. Thursday Next*

              There are all different kinds of hard things, and I think it’s not helpful to compare them. Is going through successive relationships harder than long-term partnerships? Than being in an unhealthy relationship? I don’t know. I’ve come to believe it’s not helpful to me to think this way; it’s a way to avoid looking forward, if that makes sense.

              I agree that pinning all one’s expectations on a single difference (if only X were different then all my Y would be better) is usually* neither true nor comforting.

              For example, in the years that my unfinished dissertation hung over my head, I believed Everything Would Be Better once it was done. That’s actually a lot of pressure! And I think stepping away from that pressure helped me to finish. Yes, my life improved, in that I had finished a major project. But it didn’t transform my health (which could use some transformation!).

              *I am not talking about catastrophic injury or illness, for instance. Life *is* better without those burdens.

              But I would communicate these ideas a bit more gently…

        2. Biscuit*

          I’m sorry you are going through this crisis, but glad you have a therapist to support you. I encourage you to do whatever you can to accept where you are in your life, even though the circumstances are so different from what you envisaged when you were younger.

          In my life I’ve struggled with health and relationship difficulties, and have always suffered more when I compare myself with others. Please do what you can to let go of comparing yourself with other people – we can’t know what they’ve gone through unless they tell us. Many people stay in unhappy relationships that appear fine from the outside. Being single does not reflect a person’s worth or value, neither does being partnered.

          If you feel as though being single is a pale imitation of life with a partner, that’s something worth exploring in therapy.

          How you choose partners is a complex topic and one that I hope you might also discuss with your therapist. For me it took a lot of work in therapy to overcome my tendency to choose partners who were my ‘problematic but familiar’ type. It’s possible to do this, it just takes time and effort. It’s hard to continue dating and starting and ending relationships with romantic partners, but if you want to be partnered, it’s necessary.

          And to echo what others have said, please consider whether having biological children is so important to you that you’d do it as a single person. Trying to find a life partner in order to have children quickly puts immense pressure on single people, and raises the stakes to an impossibly high level.

          Best wishes.

      2. Anonymous Educator*

        If you want kids, there are options to do that by yourself – not always – finances, preferences, so many things go into this. But I try to separate the partner and kids thing, because they don’t always go together and it is important to be clear on what you really want.

        Yes to this. I know a few women who’ve felt the societal pressure to have kids specifically with a partner, and they decided to just have kids own their own. It’s not easy, obviously, but it’s certainly an option to consider if having biological children is important to you, and you want to have kids before you’re early 40s. Partner does not have to happen before kids, just because you want both to happen.

    4. Dan*

      Sorry you have to deal with this.

      This may not be the life you want, but it’s the life you have at the moment. My suggestion is to make the most of it — let’s be super honest for a minute, and acknowledge that you may very well end up being single and childless. While the kid thing is probably more pressing (you’ve got years to “meet somebody”, less so to have kids) there’s a chance both may never happen.

      Spend some time working through what life may be like if that happens. You may very well find it’s not that terrible.

      There’s a reason I suggest people learn to be happy (or at least content) as a singleton: People *hate* filling roles. If I get married again, I want a woman to marry me for me, and because she wants to spend her life with *me*. I do not want to be the warm body with a paycheck who would make a suitable farther to check that box. Also, when single people are desperate for a mate, it shows, and it has the opposite effect: It drives people away. People are attracted to happy people, not sad people.

      The other thing is, what happens if “we” get married, and for some reason kids aren’t in the cards? Then what? Is the marriage a bust?

    5. Not So NewReader*

      I prefer contentment over happiness. Happiness is fleeting. Someone brings over a birthday cake. We eat it and then it is gone. That is happiness. Contentment is on-going. Someone comes over to visit me. I am glad to see them. I can be comforted by knowing they will come again in the future. This is better than that 5 minute birthday cake.
      Why not switch and look for contentment instead of looking for happiness? Use your sense of loss now to encourage yourself that you want something more enduring than just happiness. You want some inner comfort that does not depend on someone or something. Think about how you might give yourself that enduring contentment. (Everyone’s answer is different.)

    6. Mazzy*

      I don’t think you can wish yourself happy, and I think that’s bad advice. If you’re unhappy because a big piece of your life isn’t together, that is OK. That is your instincts and gut telling you where you need to focus in your life. What advice I’d give, is prioritize this. You mention wanting to have kids, so you have a timeline. What happens when people want to make a life change is they get so bogged down with work and day to day stress that they don’t focus on long term goals, and tomorrow becomes next year, then the year after that. So don’t let that happen and prioritize dating. If you’re finding you can’t work it into your daily schedule, take a day off of work to look at Match ads and do what you need to do in order to feel ready for when an actual date comes.

    7. chi chan*

      Try making a list of your ideal partner and discuss it with your therapist. What you want and what can be compromised on. Also discuss how you are comfortable looking for potential dates. People in situations where they are not comfortable don’t really do well. Try to take back agency a little bit by looking up ways and means to have a child by yourself.

    8. StellaBella*

      First, I am sorry you are struggling. But I am happy you are in counseling. One thing to explore with your counselor, if you have not yet, is comparisons to others. Assuming you are in the USA, and in a city, there may be pressures to compete and be better than others. I
      I’d think on issues like how much time you spend on social media, as comparing oneself to others thru those filters affects mental health (studies online if you want to look). Also go out to meetups for things you like to do. Volunteer. Give service and time to something you enjoy. Keeping others as a focus of your time will help a bit to alleviate feelings of need for a relationship. I have been married and my ex is now on his third wife. He once said to me “he just does better when in a relationship.” If you need companionship to enjoy weekends etc then find ways to meet up with folks, sure. But if you need to always have a partner look with your therapist at codependence issues too. I am nearing 50, and am a committed single lady with a cat. I go out with friends, travel alone, and try new things like wind tunnel flying which I will do in May. Can you go deeper into your own wishes and spend time being with yourself for a scary, but possibly beneficial learning experience?

    9. Sam Sepiol*

      I was married for 13 years to an emotionally abusive man. Before that I was a serial monogamist and never alone for more than a month or two. Turns out being alone is not the worst thing.

      My question is, do you jump into relationships quickly and only see warning signs later (or find yourself dumped without having seen the warning signs)? If so, you might find some of Captain Awkward’s dating advice useful.

      Good luck.

    10. purple otter*

      Commiseration with you – someone suggested reading “It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single” by Sara Eckel, where the premise that finding your person actually all comes down to luck and random timing, and it’s not that you, as the woman, is “too picky,” “too bossy, “not enough,” etc. I’m only about five chapters in, but I like it so far.

      Instead of focusing on your previous happy times, can you think of things that you would be happy doing by yourself or with a friend in the near term future? A girl friend and I did a spa and theater day a month ago, and it was great! Or maybe try new things – I’m thinking of joining a fitness program and planning to do a solo trip to a city new to me.

      The one thing that’s really helped me in getting through and over a breakup is knowing that there are other people out there who have gone through the same thing and that now they are the better for it. Hang in there sister :)

    11. Namey McNameface*

      I have several single friends who went through therapy to come to peace with being single. Look into this option if you feel it will be helpful to you. Sorry to hear about your break up.

  68. coffee cup*

    I just started to get sick, sneezing for 2 days and sore throat now too. There’s a lurgy going around work and I think it finally got me. :(

    However, this morning, before it hit, I got in a Park Run with my friend and did the 5k in my best time! (Not a great time by other standards, but for me, yay!) Very surprised, as it felt much slower than I usually run (too many hills involved). I guess that didn’t help my energy levels later…

  69. We Work by Night*

    Does anyone have any helpful hints and hacks for building a functioning life around a job that has odd hours?

    I’ve recently started a new job (but that’s not why I’m writing) on the swing shift. 4:30 pm to 1:00 am. The job has its own problems and rewards that I’m not going to go into here. However, I’m struggling with getting my personal life figured out around the odd work hours.

    The job has a hellish unpredictable commute getting there with heavy traffic mostly made up of other people getting off work (it takes anywhere from 35 to 65 minutes to get there). OTOH getting home is a breeze (about 25 minutes). I’m hoping to be able to move closer to work in a couple of months so I can reduce the commute.

    The hard part is when I get home at 1:30, I play with my dog and eat and look at my email and maybe watch or listen to a podcast and by the time I get to bed it is 3:00 am or 4:00 am. Which means that I don’t get up until 11:00 am or, increasingly often, noon. Then it just seems like such a rush to get things done in the afternoon before work, as opposed to getting things done after work in the evening, like I would if I worked more conventional hours.

    There are a couple of grocery stores that are open 24 hours, as well a Walmart, but I find the stores are not well-stocked early in the morning after work and a lot of the store shelves are empty. Sometimes I leave for work early and then I find myself in a store about a half hour before work and I have to leave and rush and fight traffic to get to work on time. I don’t do laundry or vacuum at night because I don’t want to make noise that might bother my apartment neighbors. Things like laundry and cleaning are falling behind.

    Working these odd hours also doesn’t leave me with much of a social life. By the time I get off work, all of my friends are asleep. When I get up they’re all at work. My weekends which used to be leisurely times to recharge, are now filled with chores that don’t get done during the week. I’ve dropped out of my writers’ group and do miss the companionship of people with shared interests. OTOH, if I have to visit a doctor, it is nice not to have to take time off from work, though there’s that hectic rush to get there on time. I feel like I need to work in this job for about a year before I can put in for a transfer to day shift.

    Meanwhile, if anyone has any suggestions for coping with this kind of situation, things like getting and staying organized, I’d appreciate them.

    1. BusyBee*

      Well, I don’t work a swing shift, but I do have a long commute that sucks up my free time, (just going to work, working, and coming home is typically an 11 hour time chunk, and then I add in the gym so I am usually gone at least 12 hours per day) plus I am taking some online classes that require significant time.

      What I do is block out a schedule and try to stick to it. Noon-3:30 is a fairly long amount of time to get ready and do a few chores or errands, it’s probably just that you aren’t used to doing those things right when you wake up and so you need to establish some new habits to fit it all in.

      So I literally block out my week: for example, I write down wake up times, commuting times, times when I am at work, working out, doing homework, doing chores, relaxing, or anything else. If you know you need some down time after work before going to bed, add that in. If you know you need to grocery shop once per week, add that in.

      I’d also recommend significant meal planning and efficient meal prep (like, cook in large batches so you have leftovers). Having my meals all planned and prepared at the beginning of the week saves me a HUGE amount of time during the week.

    2. acmx*

      If you shop at Wal-Mart, I think most have online ordering and pick up. You can order your food earlier in the day and then pick it up after work (I think, not sure if they only allow pickup at certain times).
      I think you can do laundry when you get home. I’ve never heard a neighbor’s washer when I was in an apartment (I suggest a washer with delay start eventually if you will stay on swing shift).
      Pick a day to vacuum before work, anything else can be done after work.

    3. WellRed*

      I think you should prioritize some social time on the weekend over vacuuming, etc. Other things could be done in small chunks, throw your laundry in on the way out the door to work. You use the word rush three times. Has keeping track
      Of time always been an issue or only since the new job?

    4. Need a Beach*

      I would shop in person for perishables only (IME grocery ordering gets you the crappiest, oldest produce) and order everything else online for delivery.

      Randomly, I went to Target this past Thursday for some necessities and they were completely out of dental floss. Not a stitch of it in the entire aisle. How does that happen? I’ve been getting so fed up with things not being stocked that I’ve been considering moving mostly to online ordering anyway. Why fight traffic to drive to an empty store?

    5. LCL*

      That is definitely a late swing shift. I have worked those hours, 4:30 to midnight thirty. What helped me was mentally reframing what I was doing. You don’t have any less time to get chores done than if you worked a dayshift. You are just doing them at the start of your day instead of the end. Be realistic-when you were working 8 hour days, you didn’t spend all your time after work doing chores until bedtime. You probably spent about an hour, or less. You still have that hour, you just have to take it after you walk the dog, before you go to work.

      As for maintaining your social life, I will leave those suggestions to the more modern social media generation. I know I never had trouble with my social life back in the day-once word got out I was available for midday shopping and errands and etc my problem was too much social life.

    6. WS*

      It sounds like you’re overwhelmed by the logistics rather than actually having less time. Make a list of the chores you’re doing at the weekend, and instead schedule everything that you can after work or before work. You can shop online for basics, you can do most kinds of cleaning and cooking at any hour (not vacuuming or tenderising steak, but most things!), you should be prioritising getting through that bad commute over trying to shop on the way.

    7. The Other Dawn*

      I don’t know if you live near a Stop & Shop grocery store, but they have Peapod, which is grocery delivery. I’ve always had great luck with meats and produce. I find that the quality of produce is actually much better than in the store, probably because it’s coming from a distribution center and not from an actual store like some of the other services. I also find the cuts of meat are usually as good or better than what I get in the store. They do charge a fee, but it’s really worth it if you don’t have the time or desire to hit the store.

    8. MissDisplaced*

      Well, I have these same issues and my workday is 8-5. I get up at 6am and don’t get home until about 6 or 7pm due to the commute. Nothing gets done during the week! Some days, I don’t ever see sunlight!
      I used to work second (4-midnight) and third shifts (10pm-6am) for years in my 20’s. At that time, I liked second shift because I was taking college classes. The one thing that was good was that I lived at the beach in California then, and enjoyed the beautiful days outdoors, and got lots of exercise on those shifts (one of the few plusses). It can be hard to connect w/friends who have day hours, unless your friends are bartenders or musicians as mine were (lol!).
      I think 24 hour places are essential for things like grocery shopping, or try home delivery or Amazon for essentials, as you’re there to take delivery. I used to like shopping at 1am because the stores were uncrowded and traffic was nonexistent. I think more than anything though is that shift work is a real life adjustment. I admit I would find this shift harder to do today than when I was 23 and staying up late anyway.

  70. Middle School Teacher*

    I went shopping with my friend today and it is SO COLD out. I’ve just had it with this polar vortex.

  71. Feeling Disappointed*

    Child-free wedding stuff ahead. My husband and I have been looking forward to a big family wedding coming up. My extended family is big and spread out so weddings are pretty much the only time we all get together. The last time was about five years ago. Anyway, my cousin got engaged last summer and today we received the save-the-date for their wedding. It turns out they are having a child-free wedding on the opposite coast from where we live. The location was not a surprise but the child-free aspect was.

    Though our wedding included children (happily so!) we totally understand and respect peoples’ right to a child-free space. But, to be completely honest, I do feel really disappointed. We have one child who will be three years old at the time of the wedding and they confirmed that she is not invited. We don’t have anyone who can watch her at home for a whole weekend while we fly cross-country, and I’m not really comfortable with trying to find a sitter in a strange city, let alone leaving her with someone we’ve never met before in a hotel room for 8+ hours. So… I guess we’re not going?

    I love my cousin, but the cherry on top was the rationalization of their decision by saying that in addition to not having enough capacity at the venue, they want to “give parents a night off.” If we wanted to take a night off, we would… but not by flying a small child across the country then leaving her in a hotel room.

    1. Asenath*

      I’m with you that people have every right to have child-free events – but there can be complications like the one you mentioned.

      I have to say, although I’m childless myself, the nicest weddings I’ve attended have been for all ages, with the little kids in their party clothes dancing with their older relatives, so I can understand your disappointment.

      1. Feeling Disappointed*

        Agreed – I love weddings with kids! It was so sweet having little ones at our wedding, and I know my daughter would have a blast dancing at the reception and getting reacquainted with all the cousins, aunts, and uncles she rarely gets to see. It’s a bummer she won’t get to do that. But ultimately the wedding is for the couple, and it’s their decision.

        1. Sparrow*

          Do you have any family, friends or acquaintances in the wedding city who have kids and may be able to recommend a sitter? I babysit and have done lots of “one-time” or “special occasion” jobs for families that I haven’t met before based on a word-of-mouth recommendation. One of my close friends is a nanny and has babysat for friends and family of her employer who were visiting from out of town.
          I know it’s a big leap to trust someone else with your child but there are so many competent and professional individuals out there who could take good care of your daughter and allow you to celebrate with your cousin.

          1. Feeling Disappointed*

            I wish I did! That would help a lot. Unfortunately I don’t know any parents in that city. Outside of daycare we’ve actually only left her with a non-family sitter a small handful of times in her life so maybe I’m usually squirrelly about it, but despite there being lots of fantastic sitters out there it’s really daunting to consider leaving her with a total stranger in a major city far from home.

            I’m going to ask the hotel and if they have someone really good they can vouch for then I would consider it. It just still… kind of sucks for my child. She would have to do a six hour plane ride, then spend half the day in an unfamiliar place with an unfamiliar caregiver, then do another six hour flight home the next day. If it was a fun, memorable family event she could participate in that happened to be bookended by crazy air travel I think it would be worth the stress, but it’s not going to be that.

              1. valentine*

                If you want to go, take a sitter with you. If not your current sitter, maybe you have a friend who’s been wanting to travel out there and can think of a couple outings to do.

    2. Rhymes with Mitochondria*

      Sounds like you’ll have to decline, and explain to her just like you did here. Clearly and unemotionally. Sometimes people don’t really GET the implications of an invitation like that, sadly. It really can make it impossible for some parents to come.

        1. Rhymes with Mitochondria*

          I’m talking about people who get upset when family members don’t come because of that choice. If they feel that’s what’s best for them, they have to also be understanding of what that means for their families and friends.

    3. Loopy*

      I’ve spent a lot of time on wedding boards and a lot of people use the “give the parents a night off” line as a wya of making them feel less guilty. And yes, it’s so misguided but people are dealing with SO many emotions and so many opinions on their decisions sometimes it’s just easier to pretend they are doing a favor to guests by offering a night off.

      That is not to say you aren’t right to be hurt and disappointed. Often (not always) I see people struggle a lot behind the scenes when deciding to have a child free wedding. I would try and believe they struggle as much with expected and understandable declines as those who have to make them and it’s disappointing all around when it just doesn’t work out.

      1. Feeling Disappointed*

        Yeah… I know they’re trying to put a positive spin on an awkward situation, but it rings very hollow when you realize you’re not being “gifted” less work, you’re actually being required to do the additional work of arranging childcare in a city where you don’t know a soul (if you choose to attend, of course). Parents who truly do want the night “off” will get a sitter whether the kids are invited or not.

        In my cousin’s case I believe that they truly don’t mean to exclude parents, they’re just young and a bit clueless about the logistics of parents attending an out-of-state wedding that does not allow children.

        1. Loopy*

          Yes- when I’ve seen this posted, parents are usually quick to correct the couple about how they are viewing and presenting it. It’s nice to see people saying, hey you’re actually really wrong about how you think this situations goes, so be aware that THIS is what you’re really asking of people.

          It’s disappointing still, but I agree with others that there may still be options-I’ve seen a lot of good ones posted further down about having one parent go to part and then switch off with the other parent. I am allowing kids at my wedding and I still have one couple doing the switch off, because their child is under 2 and they want to be able to keep her on her eating/sleep schedule. So one parent will take off with kiddo to the hotel for dinner/bedtime.

          It’s still a LONG trip though and hopefully someone gently points out to this couple why they should expect declines and be understanding about it.

        2. Gilmore67*

          I think it is not OK to call them clueless and young just because you can’t attend the wedding. All they did was invite people to their wedding. The ball is in your court. Just because you can’t make it doesn’t make them clueless. So yes, the statement about giving you a night off was silly. Fine. But you are just irritated because you can’t go.

          I was 39 when I got married. We didn’t have kids at our wedding. We invited people from where we live and some out of towners that would have needed child care. Does that make me older and mean?

          All the out of towners had decisions to make. They all came to the wedding. The guests in- town all came as well. Only 2 people in town had a problem with the no kid and that was only because they didn’t want to go to the bother of finding a sitter and they wanted us to feed their children.

          You are understandingly upset you can’t make the wedding. But it doesn’t make them wrong on how they are doing their wedding.

          People can’t honestly think that the bride and groom can sit there and assess every guest’s situations, kids, no kids, where they live and can they make the wedding, and all that and then fit all those situations in their wedding plans to make everyone happy. Not even a little logical or realistic.
          And there are budgets to consider. And I will be perfectly honest, Great Aunt Millie at age 90 will take priority over my friends 5 year old daughter if I need to make budget decisions.

          This is not about kids at a wedding. I am not stating weddings should have kids or not. Not for me to decide… ( which is the point…NOT FOR ME TO DECIDE about other peoples weddings ) I am stating that dogging on the bride and groom for whatever decisions they make is wrong , just because it doesn’t work for you.

          We are all adults and have to know that sometimes things suck for us and there will be a time when you can’t go to a wedding.

          And I doubt greatly that weddings were ruined with no one coming because of a no kid rule. Some sure didn’t show up but in most cases people showed up.

          I also think that some people are disingenuous. At some point, everyone will have to make decisions about weddings, parties, picnics and have budget restraints, locations and so on. I guarantee they will piss someone off with their decisions.

          Give them a break. This THEIR day.

          1. Courageous cat*

            Yeah, I’m inclined to agree with this. This is their day to do whatever they want with, so decline politely and try not to think about it any deeper than absolutely necessary.

    4. WoodswomanWrites formerly Woodswoman*

      It sounds like your cousin doesn’t realize the implications for what she’s asking for her relatives coming from far away. How disappointing for you, and I hope your cousin will understand why you can’t come. I’m child-free myself, but I’m happy that the wedding I’m officiating next weekend will include guests’ children.

    5. Overeducated*

      Sorry about this! I missed a cousin’s wedding this winter for the same reason – all the family we could have asked for help would be AT the wedding, and we felt weird about the idea of finding a stranger online, or asking around for local high schoolers acquianted with the family to babysit in a hotel room. It was very disappointing to miss, but sometimes there’s not much else you can do. (Well, last year a coworker flew her babysitter WITH her for the entire weekend and got her a hotel room so they could go to a child-free wedding…but her husband makes crazy money.)

    6. Need a Beach*

      We had a child-free wedding, and it was due to two sets of relatives who refuse to discipline their feral kids. Family politics are complicated, and a blanket ban had fewer long-term consequences than saying “Sorry, Jane, I’d rather not get sued if you let Jack bite someone at our reception, so your kids specifically can’t come.”

      Sorry to hear your trip isn’t going to work out.

      1. Gilmore67*

        Well exactly. My wedding was kid free. It was a formal, prime rib night time wedding. Few people had an issue it. Most people loved it and I mean LOVED it.

        They made comments how nice it was that the wedding was dead silent except for the clergy and us. They said to us they liked that they could eat kid free and drink and talk and just have an adult night out.

        That was for us though. Other people want kids. Go for it. Their deal.

        And no there were no long term problems with the no kid thing. No one gave a rats behind 24 hours after the wedding was over.

    7. Ann O.*

      Yeah, we had to skip a couple weddings for the same reason.

      I wish people who do child free weddings would help organize childcare, either by arranging for onsite childcare or by giving parent guests a way to talk to each other and help each other organize childcare. Wanting a child free wedding is one thing and totally understandable, but it only helpfully gives parents a night off if you make it easy for their children to be taken care of.

      1. Overeducated*

        I secretly think people who do child-free weddings really just don’t care very much if that means the parents can’t come, and don’t want to spend any time accommodating kids at all. (It’s not an insult, I had kids at my wedding but there were definitely relatives I invited whose presence wasn’t particularly important to me, it’s that kind of thing.) So i would not even bother asking for help arranging childcare.

      2. Sleepless*

        Our ceremony was child-free, mostly because the space was the kind of place where a pin drop sounds like a gunshot. We had onsite child care.

      3. Gilmore67*

        When my brother and I were little, when my parents took off to weddings, movies, parties whatever and we had a babysitter.

        It was my parents decision and responsibility and only their responsibility to find childcare for us or not go if they couldn’t find any.

        And yes I understand it is hard to pay for or find childcare but it still doesn’t make it the party givers responsibility to provide it or their fault for having a no kid if none is found.

        What has happened to personal responsibility ?

      4. Roja*

        I’ve seen a couple of weddings where they do exactly this–they organize childcare onsite or nearby. Not even paid for, necessarily, just organized. That has always seemed like a great solution to me.

    8. SF con person*

      Would it be possible to contact the other parents likely to attend the wedding and see if a group nanny situation (where you all pool money to hire a nanny or nannies to look after the family kids as a group during the wedding) would work out? I volunteer with a lot of science fiction conventions, and some of them will hire a nanny service for the con weekend and then sell child care hours to attendees, so I know there are professional nanny services that do this sort of thing. For conventions, they generally rent a suite at the con hotel to use as the child care space and then hire an appropriate amount of nannies to staff it for the weekend.

      I don’t know how feasible something like that would be in your situation, but it would also mean that your kid would get to hang out with their age-mates in your extended family, which would probably be a bonus.

      I don’t know how the provider was selected, but I know Worldcon used KiddieCorp as their childcare provider this year.

    9. LilySparrow*

      I’m sorry you won’t get to enjoy the wedding when you were looking forward to it.

      Everybody has to make choices around time, money, logistics, and obligations when they plan and attend events. And everybody has to make the choice that works best for them.

      Your cousin planned the kind of wedding that they wanted. They may or may not actually get the wedding they wanted, because their plans exclude a lot of people. Perhaps if they get a lot of “no’s” they may change their minds. Or perhaps not.

      People who don’t have children tend to be oblivious to the fact that there is no such thing as “a night off” when you have little kids. You are either working hard with your kids, or working hard to make a night out happen and then deal with the aftermath.

      FWIW, I can’t imagine flying cross-country for a single weekend with a three year old. Even if she were invited. It would take us two weeks to get the sleep schedule sorted out. A nice card and a nice present is the way to go.

      1. Feeling Disappointed*

        This is spot-on.

        I agree, flying cross-country with a three-year-old for a weekend is no joke, and not something I would particularly relish. But it would be worth it for the opportunity for her (and us) to spend some time with family, which we don’t often get to do because of how far away everyone lives from one another.

        I think this whole situation is made a bit harder by the fact that we just had to turn down another wedding invitation from a dear friend because, among other things, the wedding is in a remote location at the other end of the country. We would be spending nearly an entire day traveling on either end – multiple flights plus hours in a rental car to get to the location. On a holiday weekend. With a toddler. During the busiest few weeks of the year at my work. I feel horribly guilty to miss it but we decided there’s just no way.

        1. Ned*

          It seems like you are upset that their wedding isn’t serving as the family reunion you hoped for. But it’s not their responsibility to provide you with a family reunion. They want to spend their time and money putting together their wedding, and their vision only includes adults. And this is a valid choice, If you want a family reunion, organize it.

    10. Owler*

      What if you go and leave spouse and child at home? That is what husband and I have done in past because we are also on one coast with family far away. All of that travel time with a 3yo for a weekend visit that is just about the wedding isn’t really worth it, and husband and I are introverted enough that we happily give the other time with family without a trailing spouse.

      1. Lilysparrow*

        I did this recently for a family wedding because we just couldn’t afford tickets for all of us. It was actually really fun.

    11. misspiggy*

      We had a child free wedding because of cost limitations, and but when several guests approached us because they couldn’t manage childcare, we put their kids on the priority list for an invite when other guests dropped out.

      It might be worth contacting the couple to let them know your situation.

    12. Ann Non*

      If you really want to go to the wedding, why not try to take a few vacation days and have your child meet your relatives during non-wedding time?
      Maybe you and your husband can take turns attending the wedding – one of you goes to the ceremony and the other goes to the dinner? Then you don’t have to find a babysitter but can still respect the couple’s wishes.

      Please don’t do what my partner’s cousin-by-marriage did at our wedding: she brought not only her (explicitly not invited) child, but also her mother who we had never met so she could “help take care of the child”. Then she interrupted the speeches to tell everyone over and over how cute her child was, and shoved him into every single photo. Great times!

    13. Georgina*

      It’s disappointing that your daughter isn’t invited. But, could you go alone so at least you get a chance yo see your family. Or, my friend who had this situation happen to her chose to fly the three ofbthem tonthe wedding andbthen her husband hung out innthe hotel while she went to the wedding. That way they got a mini vacation, she got to go to the wedding, and her husband and kid got to see everybody the morning of the wedding and the next day.

    14. Chaordic One*

      I was recently invited to a “child-free” wedding where the wedding couple made arrangements and hired teenage girls (who were friends of the family) to babysit in a room located a short ways away from where the wedding and reception took place. The children were invited to the reception afterwards. It seemed to work out fine, and at least this particular couple anticipated the problems that accompany a “child- ree” wedding and showed a bit of consideration.

  72. WoodswomanWrites formerly Woodswoman*

    Here’s a question for any of you that are knitters or work with wool fabric. A ceiling leak dripped on my off-white hand-knitted afghan that my mother made me, a treasured item, and left two tan stains. I tried using dish soap with cold water and that didn’t help. I took it to my local eco-friendly dry cleaners–which means they actually used wet cleaning–and they couldn’t get the stains out either. Does anyone have cleaning suggestions that wouldn’t damage the yarn?

    1. Not A Manager*

      I’ve had good luck with some antique family “heirloom” fabrics by dissolving Oxyclean in very hot water and soaking the item for about an hour. BUT I’ve only done this after determining that, for me, if I couldn’t clean the item then it was ruined and I couldn’t use it/keep it. So basically, this is a last resort for me.

    2. Roberta Plant*

      Ask on ravelry.com — I think you need to sign up for free but I am certain as my name isn’t really RP that someone on that site can help you! Good luck.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      If you cannot find anything that works, my last resort would be peppermint soap.

      I wish I had known this. I tossed a handmade afghan because the colors ran. Peppermint soap is really good at removing chemicals (natural and synthetic). There is a chance that the dye could run and it will be a bit of work getting that run cleaned up- making the whole task feel like two chores.

      I would start by putting a small amount right on the stain. Fold the afghan up so air cannot get at the soap and dry it out before the soap has a chance to work. Let it sit for a while- half a day, all day, whatever seems right. Rinse the afghan out, just at that one spot- no need to get the whole thing wet. If the soap is going to work the stain should appear lighter. Repeat the process. You may get lucky and the stain may be gone on the first shot.

      My rule of thumb is if peppermint soap can’t get rid of it then nothing can.

      You can probably buy the smallest bottle of peppermint soap you can find. I know the bigger bottles get spendy.
      Around here there is Dr. Bronners and another brand called Dr. Woods. I tend to favor Bronners but Woods is cheaper. It’s a castile soap which means it’s very gentle. Grocery stores here carry both and you can find Bronner’s in health food stores.

      I have fixed so many things with peppermint soap. I foolishly washed something using my hose while standing on my front porch, the soap pulled some paint off my porch floor. I could have thought that through a little better. I also mix the soap with water and use it as an earth friendly insecticide. I have given my dogs flea baths using this soap. It’s also helpful cleaning up paint brushes.

      1. WoodswomanWrites formerly Woodswoman*

        Ah, Dr. Bronner’s liquid peppermint soap. I remember years ago reading those old funny labels with teeny print in the shower: “Moral ABCs! Dilute! All one! Okay!”

        There is a terrific documentary about Dr. Bronner, “Dr. Bronner’s Magic Soapbox.” Among other things, he was Jewish and born in Germany. Alarmed by the rise of the Nazis, he came to the US just in time. There are a few excerpts from the film on YouTube.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          For years I wondered how such blurry labels got out of QC at production. The labels seem to be a bit clearer now, but the print is so tiny. They have recently expanded their line, here I am seeing lip gloss and tooth paste. Good for them.

    4. WoodswomanWrites formerly Woodswoman*

      Thanks to you all for the suggestions. Hopefully one of these will work.

      1. ..Kat..*

        If not, are you willing/able to dye it a color that will cover the stain?

        Much commiseration. Sadly, I am a stain magnet for myself, my clothing and my other possessions. I cannot own white, I cannot wear white.

        1. WoodswomanWrites formerly Woodswoman*

          I’d rather live with the stains than dye the natural color of the wool. I think we’re cut from the same stain magnet cloth. White is definitely a no-go for me as well.

    5. Business Librarian*

      I’ve heard Restoration Fabric Restorer is a good product but I haven’t tried it myself.

  73. Bigglesworth*

    Law School Related – I just found out today that I was selected to be the Editor-in-Chief of my law school journal today! I’m so excited because I really didn’t think I had a chance at that position!

  74. Exhaused*

    So, why I have to do this is beyond the subject of this thread, but I have to learn French on my own time (as in, no taking a class in the subject). I only have to learn how to read and translate, not how to speak. I actually don’t know how to approach this. All the self learning materials I find are geared towards learning how to speak the language, and that’s not the task at hand here. I need to read books, not talk to people. Does anyone know of any resources or tips specifically geared towards that?

    1. Zona the Great*

      I actually recommend starting with French children’s books and reading French news as most public sources are written at about the 8th grade level.

    2. Jane*

      I know you said you can’t take a class, but can you take an online class on your own time? I’d try looking into online community college courses or even courses designed for homeschool highschoolers. The content in those context will be more what you need.

    3. Parenthetically*

      So, my best advice is to look for resources for “academic French” — professors in a lot of disciplines have to know French to read/translate for the purposes of research in their field, and they aren’t aiming for speaking fluency at all. Link in reply to one such resource.

      2. Exhausted*

        That’s basically exactly what I need. I’m working on an MA in History, and I have to be able to read and translate text in a foreign language.

    4. Extra vitamins*

      Get some kid level books that are both in English and French, and read them concurrently. Harry Potter and most of Terry Pratchett’s books are available in French. Also I found small phrase book along the lines of “ Just Enough Business (language) “ were good. Finally, when looking at French/English dictionaries, the whole France/Canada/American/British selection actually matters.

    5. LilySparrow*

      Our public library offers free online access to a language learning app (Mango). Yours may as well. They also have a shelf in the nonfiction section devoted to self-directed language-learning courses.

      This particular app is oriented around speaking. Since natural language acquisition happens first through hearing and speaking, before reading, it could actually help you learn more quickly to follow that pattern.

      But since it’s an app, you won’t have to actually talk to any people. ; )

    7. Miss Smilla*

      A good dictionary is key, I love mine but they are expensive and heavy to carry around. In my experience, online versions are less exhaustive.
      The Bescherelle books and the website (http://m.bescherelle.com/) are useful resources for grammar, particularly for the conjugation of verbs.
      Children’s books are a good way to start (the Martine series cover a wide range of topics).
      Do you have access to French magazines (most newspaper stands here have an international section)? I used to read Marie Claire but there’s others with different focus.

    8. fposte*

      In addition to what Parenthetically said, you may find that on university campuses there are side gigs from people who teach exactly for this. Many people working on PhDs with a foreign language requirement get through because of these classes.

      1. Exhausted*

        I’ll see if my university has this, since, aside from me being an MA student instead of PhD, I’m in this same boat.

    9. Weekend Warrior*

      While you don’t need to speak per se, keep in mind that speaking, reading, listening, writing are all interrelated skills that reinforce each other. Focus on the reading but mix in the others as well. More fun too!

      French Tutor Workbook is good for building grammar and vocabulary knowledge. I’ve heard good things about Grammaire progressive du francais as well.

    10. Koala dreams*

      Try to find bilingual books with one side in French and the other in English. You can see directly how something is translated. Start out with shorter books for children, or for learners.

      There are also quite a lot of book series for learners written in easy language, often with questions to the text or explanations of some language points.

    11. Lucrezia*

      if you enjoyed them as a kid (or as an adult) look for TinTin and Asterisk books in the original French! also the Smurfs I believe.

  76. The Other Dawn*

    It’s my and my husband’s anniversary this weekend and we wanted to stay somewhere different. Since we have an old house (1735), we’re especially interested in staying in historic hotels or inns. We like to see what they’ve done with the place, how they decorate, things like that. Last night we stayed at a historic inn in our state, went to the seaport today and then headed to a historic restaurant for a late lunch. I was wiped by the time we got home.

    While at the inn last night we ventured down to the dining room to grab a snack and some water, and look around the place, which was quite beautiful and very cozy. On the dining room table was a framed brochure, which talks about the fact that the inn is home to some spirits. We didn’t think anything of it since the place was built in 1754 and it’s pretty common to hear stories about things like that. Plus the brochure didn’t give any specifics at all. We went up to our room to hang out for a bit and then went to bed.

    While in bed we kept hearing what sounded like people walking around upstairs. Not heavy footsteps, but more like what you hear in your own house when someone is in the room above you, sort of deadened footsteps and movements. We just assumed that maybe one of the staff was up there since the building has only two stories plus an attic, and we were already on the second floor. Although, why would the staff be up in the attic that late at night? And if they were, why didn’t we hear a door open and close? Anyway we went to sleep.

    Came home today and starting reading the inn’s website. I then checked out their Facebook page and came across a post about a paranormal team that came in a few years ago to investigate. Well, it turns out that the room we stayed in is the second most active room in the house…and directly across from THE most active room! So, I guess we now know who was up in the attic…

  77. Wulfgar*

    Has anyone in Pennsylvania updated your license to the Real ID? It seems like a ridiculous amount of documentation, including proof of residency through utility bill(s), name change if applicable, passport or social security card, and something else I can’t remember off the top of my head.

    My Floridian friend said her license was automatically transferred to a Real ID without any input from her.

    1. Chaordic One*

      There was a story about this on a Pacifica Network radio show recently. The woman being interviewed lived in California and said she had a terrible time coming up with all of the documentation. One complication in her case was the fact that she was adopted as a child and different states have different ways of handling birth certificates for adopted children, as well as adoption paperwork and they are not all compatible with Real I.D. requirements. Things were further complicated by the woman’s being married and divorced several times and they wanted copies of all of her marriage licenses and divorce decrees. Also she had not bothered to notify the Social Security department about her name changes which complicated things. I don’t think she was able to get all of the required paperwork and she finally gave up. It sounds horrible.

      1. Minta*

        I had to do it April 2018 in NC. DH and I had just moved in February to a new place in the same city, and I was really scrounging for proof of address. Having just moved and me not being the person taking care of the bills at the new place, left me with very few eligible docs.

        Later, hearing other people’s problematic experiences–particularly in Ohio–about not having The Official Copy of their Marriage Certificate made me so glad I never changed my last name when I got married!

        Once I willed myself to get to the DMV at 7:30 AM and wait in line, the actual license interaction was painless and quick.

    3. ..Kat..*

      It depends on your state. Consider getting a passport and a passport card. These are accepted as “real id.”

      1. Wulfgar*

        I have a passport, but it needs to be renewed this year. Spend my time at the DMV or getting passport paperwork. What a fun choice.

    4. Luisa*

      I’m in Massachusetts and got a Real ID when I renewed my driver’s license last spring. The biggest headache was having to go to the DMV in person rather than just renewing online (as I would have done for a regular license, not compliant with Real ID). There was more documentation required, as another commenter pointed out, but it wasn’t a huge hassle to gather it.

    5. Rebecca*

      I live in PA, and my license expired last month. For reference, my first driver’s license was paper, when I passed my test, the police officer stamped my paper permit, and signed his name in pencil on the back, this was 1979.

      Real ID is optional, not necessary to drive, but eventually if you want to get on a plane, go to a military installation or federal building, you’re going to need it. I’m just going to use a passport. I wanted a passport anyway so I can travel outside the country. I hope to go to the UK, visit Canada again, and go on a cruise. And I was fortunate enough to have all of my “papers” necessary. Now they’re saying Oct 2020 but it keeps getting pushed back. I suspect this will probably be the last extension.

      PennDOT states “all documents must be original versions or certified copies (if applicable)”. There’s quite a list – and if you have changed your name (I have, twice, from my birth name to married name and back again) you have to show those docs, too. DMV dot PA dot gov forward slash REALID has the list. Citizens need a real birth certificate with raised seal and social security card with a name that matches the birth certificate, two documents that show residency (non expired license is one and a W-2, vehicle registration, car insurance, that type of thing), and if you have changed your name from your birth name, paper trail for that with certified copies. I’m just doing the passport thing. Personally, I’m miffed that they want us to go through all of this and pay $30 for the privilege.

      I was also wondering since it’s not mandatory, what would happen if someone didn’t do this, and got called for Federal Jury Duty? So, they have to report, but can’t go in because they don’t have Real ID? Will there be an exception for that?

    6. ArtK*

      I live in CA and just renewed and got a Real ID driver’s license. Now the feds have told California that their requirements for Real ID aren’t good enough. They’ll grandfather me, but next time around it’s going to be even more of a pain.

    8. Earthwalker*

      Just hit this in Idaho. I went to the DMV over something else and heard their loudspeaker warning that a RealID (Idaho Star Card) would be required to pass airport TSA gates starting next year. So I showed the DMV my old license and asked for RealID. They demanded a current passport, original social security card, and two recent proofs of residency. My passport is out of date. Okay, they can instead accept an original birth certificate plus original marriage license(s) proving change of name. Since I have a California Confidential marriage, I don’t have a marriage license document. OMG! Luckily my passport was 14 years old, out of date but renewable. And California now releases confidential marriage documents to spouses who send a notarized form. I think I’ve got this under control but I still feel like I came way too close to an identification purgatory in which I’d need documents for a RealID that I couldn’t get without a RealID.

    9. Enough*

      PA is a pain. But you have to understand it is how this state deals with everything. As I told my husband there’s invisible ink on the state constitution that states you must do things in the way that annoys the most number of people.

  78. Come On Eileen*

    I just wanted to thank everyone who commented last weekend in response to my question (my “lite friend” Betty who helped me get my job several years ago and is now my boss’s boss, me feeling awkward when we are both invited to outings in our mutual friend circle). Most of you advised not to say anything to her and I’m following that advice. I don’t want to rock the boat at work and I certainly don’t want to put her in an uncomfortable position. Just going to go with the flow and keep my lips closed. Maybe given enough space and time the awkwardness on my side will pass.

  79. Sam Sepiol*

    I have a question fo Alison. I’ve always kind of assumed that you approve every single link that people put here because I see 100% of the links you do approve and none that you don’t, and I was thinking well why don’t you switch approval off?

    Then I realised that I don’t see the ones you don’t approve, doh.

    So are there a lot of links that you don’t approve?

    Feel free to delete if this is too meta :)

      2. Chaordic One*

        I would never have thought of this offhand, but it certainly makes sense that unscrupulous companies would try to do this. (They do it in the comments sections of lots of other sites and it is a real annoyance.)

        Thank you for keeping your site free from such distractions.

  80. Sam Sepiol*

    Last night I went out on my own to a small local club night. I got the bus and a taxi home.

    One of my friends who I’d been texting through the day messaged me while I was out to say that if I had any trouble to call her and she’d come pick me up, knowing that I would be out past midnight. When I told her how grateful I was she said no need for thanks; that’s what friends do.

    It’s been so very long since someone offered actual practical support to me that I sat at my table and cried. I look after other people but no one looks after me.

    Two years ago one of my friends watched my kid for half an hour so I could have a short break when I was dealing with the emotional aftermath of three family deaths.

    I literally don’t remember anything else in the last 2-3 years.

    I really feel like this small kindness has almost broken me, and she doesn’t even know.

    I just needed to share. Thanks to anyone who reads.

    3. Llellayena*

      Everyone should have a friend network like that, unconditionally supporting. It’s disappointing that it’s unusual to find it. Mine dropped what she was doing on 5 min notice when I called after my grandmother died and said “I need to do something but I don’t know what.” Those are great friends!

    5. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      Hug. What a sweet kindness and gift to have this reminder that “you” ARE cared for! May there be more ….you deserve them.

    6. LNLN*

      Thank you for the reminder of how important it is to provide (and receive) support. You have inspired me to be more aware of others and to reach out to them more!

    7. Not A Manager*

      I understand this feeling. I wonder, and I hope you don’t mind – but do you find it difficult to ask for help or to say what you need? If these people really are your friends, and it sounds like they are, is it possible that they are not aware of practical, simple and straightforward ways to help you?

  81. Rebecca*

    So fun things! My neighbor invited me to go along with her to a nearby state park for winter hiking, and there are going to be ice fishing demos (my cousin will be there doing a tie fly demonstration), winter rescue dogs, ice rescue demonstrations, food concessions, etc, and I can’t wait to go. It’s going to be just above freezing today, so layers, layers, layers!!

    I saw deer fighting for the first time in my life – last night at supper time, a small herd came out of the woods and were romping around in the field, and all at once, 2 of them stood up on their back legs and just started pummeling each other with their hooves. They did this twice before the entire group ran off. I’ve seen them butt heads, strike out with a front hoof, that type of thing, but never actually stand up and “box”.

    I’m almost done with the name change process, I verified the State Department has my passport, and signed up for email alerts to know when they mail it back. I’m going through everything now, store loyalty cards, online stuff, shopping sites that I use, there are only a few of those, thankfully, changing passwords, etc. along the way. Eventually I’ll get through it. I just choose a few of those each evening, as the main, important things are taken care of.

    Last week I asked Mom to write down all the channels she watches so I can start the whole “how to save money on TV” project. I wish we had over the air here, no dice, and other options are limited to Verizon and Comcast (woo), or satellite. And I have to keep in mind her total lack of technical skills, even with written instructions. Not sure if she’s done this or not.

    And here’s a good one! I did laundry yesterday, and I hang most of my clothes up to dry on a tall rack with 6 arms on it, holds 36 hangers, I put my wool socks over a clothesline, and the rest goes in the dryer. So, I was done, threw the extras in the dryer, pushed “mixed loads” button, pushed start, and walked away. It ran for about 2 seconds and stopped. I thought – that’s weird, turned around, no lights on the panel. Dead. Went to the garage, no breaker thrown. Huh. Googled the issue, and found it could be several things, thought, man I gotta tell Mom and she’s going to have a meltdown. As Ron White would say, I was wrong! Mom already knew something was wrong, because — wait for it — yesterday when she was using the dryer, it stopped before the cycle was done and wouldn’t turn back on. Did she say anything? No. She just hung things up on the clothesline and ignored it. She knew I was doing laundry, did she say anything? Nope. So now she says since the dryer is old, like 15 years maybe, she has to pick out a new one. Translation: I hope the weather gets warm quickly as I’ll be hanging EVERYTHING up to dry. And so will she. Because she won’t be able to choose a dryer, and she won’t let me do it. Sighs.

    1. Jean (just Jean)*

      TL;DR: Buy a new dryer and install it without discussion. Period. My curtness here is directed at your mom, not at you. Sometimes it’s okay to let people fuss/fidget/flutter/blither. Other times, not. This is one of the Nots.

      Long version: What would happen if you simply bought a dryer and had it delivered and installed (and the old one removed) while you and your mom were out of the house for some reason (have lunch, buy groceries, take a scenic drive)? NO discussion no nothing, not before or after, just a real-life example of the saying “no explanation, no apology.” If your mom starts to fuss or perseverate just say “mmm” or “hmm” or “yes, that does seem to be the case.”

      I totally understand hanging everything up to air dry but not in February in snow country! Also, unless you have suitable indoor drying space (warmish, low humidity, and moderately out of the way of everyday movement) you’ll go mad trying to dodge the wet towels and socks or, worse, watching them mildew after failing to dry. Not to mention having to drape the bed sheets all over the place, or keep an unhelpful, resistant-to-change person from relocating them somewhere conducive to dirt or mildew. You know better than many of us that life is too short for some kinds of annoyances. You deserve some peace and tranquility. Just this once it’s okay to be a (quiet, polite, no-discussion no drama) dictator.

      1. fposte*

        Totally agree with Jean. Either she’ll adapt and you’ll have a better dryer and months of using it, or she’s so unreasonable there’s no point on tiptoeing around her to make your life better.

        1. Rebecca*

          At least there’s a space in the basement with clotheslines near the furnace, so the basement is very warm and dry, and since it’s winter and extremely low humidity, things dry fairly quickly. I always hang up my shirts, jeans, CuddlDuds, etc. and they are dry in about 24 hours.

          I totally agree with just buying the dryer. This will be more of an inconvenience to Mom than me, she is so fussy about her clothes, she washes a few things together (never like underwear, socks, towels, etc all in one load) and then she dries things on various settings. We have a Lowe’s in our county, I have Dad’s truck, and a hand truck, so no issues with getting a dryer or installing it. And we have a few Lowe’s gift cards, and we can afford it. I’m going to tell her that I can make this decision for her, and see how that goes. I’m giving it a week.

          1. Mephyle*

            Actually, what most of us are saying is that you can just do it. If you tell her and then wait to “see how that goes” it will complicate things unnecessarily.

      1. Jean (just Jean)*

        Grrr…nesting fails.
        This is where my post below should have been placed. And “Amen” was meant to go beneath NSNR’s comment to Sam Sepiol about accepting small kindnesses.

    3. Bluebell*

      Please, go get a new dryer today. You can make the case that today’s dryers are more energy-efficient, and that it just makes more sense. I have babied my family’s dryer through almost 20 years now, but at this point if it broke down I probably be at the store picking a new one. Take a quick look at Consumer Reports if you’re in a country where you can do that, and just choose one with a very good repair rate and that’s very simple. One of the hardest things with dryers is choosing from all the options, and honestly you will be doing her a kindness. As for the TV thing, we tried to do that with our mother , but she refused to give up her dish service. Good luck!

    4. Dr. Anonymous*

      Dryers aren’t complicated. You might be able to fix it with Dr. Google, given all the other impossible things you’ve done this year. It might just be some thermostat or something. And dryers are a lot easier to adjust than irrational mothers.

      1. Rebecca*

        I think it might be some sort of electronic switch or a fuse, as there is no power at all to the panel, yet the breaker isn’t thrown. I have a tester, I can test the outlet to see if there’s power, and I know how to tear it apart. Oh and Google and You Tube videos are the absolute best for this stuff! I’d love to take a crack at it! Not today, though, I’m going hiking :)

        1. LCL*

          Take a picture of the dryer nameplate/label if it’s still there. Do a google search using the model number and name. You might be able to find prints or diagrams online. At minimum, it will show you where the parts are located.

      2. Nicole76*

        This is how my husband has figured out how to fix our dryer multiple times. We did buy a new one, but the first one was broken and the second one was dented so we got a refund and eventually figured out the correct part to repair it. I’m relieved because our dryer is in a very small space and all the new ones were going to stick out too far from the wall compared to ours. I dread the day it dies for good.

    5. WoodswomanWrites formerly Woodswoman*

      Your hike sounds wonderful, and it’s great to hear you’re getting out of the house. Cool deer sighting, too. It’s special when you get to spy on wildlife doing their thing.

      As frustrating as the dryer situation is, I’m smiling because you said you could afford a new one. That’s positive progress after everything you’ve been through financially and otherwise.

    6. Lilysparrow*

      You may have checked this already, but before you buy a new dryer, have you checked/cleaned the vent and any ductwork?

      Many dryers will auto-shutoff if the vent is blocked with lint, to prevent overheating.

      1. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

        And, in our case, when a critter crawled in the vent from the outside and got stuck partway in (there is an internal screen to stop them from getting to the motor). If there’s been any remote decaying smell at all…. you have cooked critter. We disassembled the dryer and had to clean out what was left. Sigh.
        Also, while you are are at it – look into whether she has one of those snaking plastic tubes, or the better smooth sided metal ducting for it. The latter is much much safer from a fire perspective.

    7. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Honestly, my 27 year old dryer is worth about 10x as much as the modern ones. They were just made better. Consider trying to repair it. My dryer did something similar, it was a $30 part and 15 minutes of the repair guy’s time to fix it. Plus a new belt, and it should be good for years.

  82. Jean (just Jean)*

    My longer comment got eaten by moderation. Here’s the shorter stand-in:

    In my opinion this is a time to take action without discussion before or after the event. Choose a dryer. Schedule delivery and installation (and removal of the old machine) during a time that you and your mother will be Out of the House, even if you have to endure going grocery shopping with her. If money is a problem, save up for it and bide your time, or brace yourself for a series of manageable payments on a credit card. (If a dryer is totally unaffordable, can you approach a social service agency or your county Department of Aging Services for a grant? It may seem a vast sum but you are worth advocating for!! Tell them they can give you a grant or a low-interest loan now, or spend thousands on your therapy later.)

    If and when your mother fusses, agree calmly, once, then change the subject. Under the surface your mom may be secretly relieved that you have solved the problem. And if she isn’t, who cares? You don’t need to accommodate her quirkiness to the point of hauling everything to laundromats, hanging wet fabric outside in February in snow country, or dodging wet towels and socks indoors. (Or watching them fail to dry and mildew.)

    TL;DR: Resolve this in a way that works for _you_. You already have one wet blanket (ha) too many in your life. My ferocity is directed at your mother, not at you!

  83. Ouch - my shoulder!*

    Just reaching out to the commentariat to see if they have any insight. About a month ago I was doing a yoga video( not a new thing for me — been doing yoga for years) and afterwards noticed my shoulder/upper back was hurting. Went to the doctor last week, he had no special insight. The pain is often worse after I’ve been lying in bed up against pillows or on the couch , it’s not horrible , but it’s just not going away. He only recommended icing it and then starting exercises to strengthen. not feeling any difference yet. Thanks so much!

    1. fposte*

      What are you doing when you’re lying in bed up on pillows or the couch? Are you looking down at your phone or a book or something else? You may be pinching a nerve. If so, strengthening, as long as it’s the right muscles, will probably help, but it’ll be slow, especially if the nerve is still being impinged.

      Go to a physical therapist. Ask specifically about nerves and thoracic outlet syndrome. It may not be that at all, but it’s useful to make sure it gets covered.

      1. Ouch - my shoulder!*

        Thanks fposte! I saw your post last week and wondered about that. Will let you know what happens. I’m older than the typical onset age.

        1. fposte*

          So was I. There’s some indication that it’s actually pretty underdiagnosed, which is part of why I get a bit evangelical about the possibility. Doesn’t mean that’s what you’ve got, of course, but a PT is the likely next step anyway.

    2. HannahS*

      Maybe see a physiotherapist? A lot of family doctors don’t have great training on musculoskeletal issues.

    3. Lilysparrow*

      A couple useful things I have learned about nagging pain from strains or repetitive stress (from way too many years of having them):

      1) You need to get the inflammation down for it to heal, so ice is good but ice + NSAIDs is better. You need to take them continuously instead of randomly. Don’t wait until it hurts, do it on a schedule and keep at it for a couple of weeks after you’re pain-free. You have to get ahead of the inflammation cycle.

      2) When you’re stretching or doing exercises, you’ll be tempted to stretch where the pain point is, because it’s stiff and you get a little quick relief from stretching it. But don’t focus on that or be aggressive with it! You will irritate it more. What you want to do is stretch the opposing muscles that are pulling on the pain point. E.g. for plantar fasciitis, stretch the calf not the foot. For an inflamed psoas or hip flexors, stretch the hamstring. I’m not sure where your pain is exactly, but with your yoga experience I’m sure you can sort it out.

      3) Assess your daily movement patterns and change them up to give that area a break, like if you carry a shoulder bag, have a strap-hanging commute, or lean on the armrest of your work chair. And of course avoid resting in positions that place stress there (like propping up your head).

      Hope you feel better soon!

      1. Ouch - my shoulder!*

        Thanks Lilysparrow. I’m trying my best but it’s complicated by the fact that my left arm was shortened by an amputation and my stump ends above the elbow. Tough to rest.

        1. LilySparrow*

          Oh, that is tough. It’s very possible your normal adaptations are constantly tweaking the sore spot. Ouch.

          Could you temporarily do something like a roller bag instead of shoulder bag (just as an example)? Just offload the things you can’t switch up?

          Best wishes.

    4. Searching*

      I second the recommendation for a physical therapist. I get pains in my upper back/shoulder blade area occasionally. My PT told me it’s really a rib alignment thingie. She does this spinal manipulation maneuver on me and “snap crackle pop” it’s fixed. Sometimes she does some additional work (Graston and some cupping) if the muscles are really annoyed to help calm them down.

  84. Jean (just Jean)*

    New thread (?). I just survived a mid-level domestic disaster. I’m cross mostly because it injects a trip to the hardware store into a day I had hoped to spend mostly at home cleaning and organizing.

    What happened? While reaching to place a mug on the highest cabinet shelf I braced myself against the next shelf down, but unawares displaced too much of my body weight onto the flimsy plastic bracket (one of four that support the shelf) which of course instantly broke. Wham! Down came the mugs (one bounced off my chin) into the sink now filled with broken glass and ceramic. Nothing to do but pick up all the pieces (with damp paper towels) and throw out everything including a favorite hand-crafted item, a gift rich with good associations from the giver. I did vent to my husband when he volunteered the flashlight from his bedside table. (Tiny shards will gleam when the beam of light is moved over the floor or counter.) It’s only stuff, not people, but damnation, I did not need this experience.

    On the bright side, when it happened I was listening to Krista Tippet’s “On Being” radio show* discussing ideas, connections, and how to sidestep information overload. So uplifting and so comforting, because I was able to keep perspective on the accident instead of being engulfed in frustration.

    I think folks here would enjoy the broadcast.

    *On Being with Krista Tippett, February 7, 2019: “Maria Popova: Cartographer of Meaning in a Digital Age.” (Words copy-pasted from the web site — onbeing (dot) org — but the punctuation is mine.)

    2. Lilysparrow*

      Oh, I hate when stuff like that happens. Glad you didn’t get hurt, but what a royal pain in the tuchas.

    3. Anono-me*

      I’m glad you’re okay, but I’m sorry this happened to you. I hate those little plastic shelf things.

      If you haven’t gotten your replacement part yet, you may want to check and see if your hardware store carries metal shelf things, in addition to the plastic ones. (We are pretty much switched over to all metal. )

    4. Jean (just Jean)*

      Thank you all for the commiseration! As per Anono-me’s suggestion I reinstalled that shelf with metal shelf clips. The only problem is that the old clips cannot be extracted which will make for some interesting shelf arrangements. I’m grateful to have a good collection of those vinyl-covered wire shelves and hold-plates-upright thingies.

      Now I just have to reassemble everything into the cupboards and otherwise restore the kitchen to something other than a visual demonstration of Early Spring or Passover Cleaning…all while also getting to bed at a decent hour. It will be passable but probably not perfect.

  85. Pharmgirl*

    I’m hoping the hive mind here can help me! I’ve got an episode of a tv show stuck in my head – I just cannot figure out what tv show it’s from, but it’s driving me crazy. Potential spoilers for Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries, or a similar show.

    1. Pharmgirl*

      The episode is about a missing teen girl. I remember that the girl thought she was going mad like her late mother and may have run off to a convent or asylum. It turned out that her step mother was playing tricks on her (such as altering a painting to make it seem like the subject was crying). There was also a subplot with the girl’s brother having an affair with the step mother. I have no idea why I think this is a Miss Fisher murder mystery – but none of the episode descriptions seem to match. Anyone have any ideas?

      2. Max Kitty*

        Yes, it’s definitely a Miss Fisher episode.

        Try Death at Victoria Dock (season 1, episode 4). I think the missing girl is a side mystery to the main storyline.

      4. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

        Good to see other Miss Fisher fans here. LOL. It’s going to be a binge-watch as soon as I’m able to start streaming again. I loved that show and watched it with a good friend as our “chic flick” nights, so great memories!

  86. Overeducated*

    I’m getting awfully nervous about house buying, which is unfortunate because it may take a long time! Spouse and I went to our first open house about a month ago, and actually liked the place a lot, but were really not ready to make an offer. We had preapproval but no agent, no idea what’s in an offer besides a big number, and it was the first house we saw so no sense of how it stacked up to other options. Of course, it sold while we were obtaining those things. We’ve seen a few more, kept an eye on listings, and exhaustively researched transit, school, and day care options in other similar neighborhoods…and there hasn’t been another house that checked all our boxes on the market since. What if that was it and we missed it?!

    We can wait up to a year if we have to, but the worry of being priced out of any options we can live with is frustrating. For those of you who’ve done this recently, how long did it take, and how did you deal with not knowing?

    1. Ali G*

      It took us 2 years to buy a house. And we knew what we wanted and what we could spend. Keep going to open houses, even if they don’t hit everything on your list. You will learn what your absolute deal breakers are, and what you can bend on. Also, look at what houses in your target area and that meet your requirements sold for – this will help you understand what your budget can get you, and also what a good offer is when you find a place you want.
      Don’t worry about that one house. It wasn’t for you!

      1. Pharmgirl*

        Yes, there were some places I really liked when I was looking, but also wasn’t ready to make an offer. It wasn’t till I found “the one” that I realized those first few places weren’t right for me at all. Like Ali said, it’s important to keep going to open houses – I would go any weekend that I had the time, and try to hit as many in the area as possible. Also, I actually found Zillow really useful – I checked it every day, that how I found the open house for the condo I ended up purchasing.

        1. Overeducated*

          Maybe something else will come up that will spark a stronger “yes.” I tend to over-research and then trust my gut feeling for major decisions, so the hope is definitely to be prepared to jump when the right one comes along. I’m super addicted to Redfin, not sure if it’s healthy….

          1. Ali G*

            You sound a lot like us! After like a year, we didn’t need to go to open houses anymore. I could tell just from the pics what was wrong with the house. I once told my husband that buying this house was like wedding dress shopping. There are lots of great dresses, but when I put on the one I chose, I knew it was the one I was going to get married in. It became the same with houses – yeah this is a great house for someone but not us! When I saw the listing for the house we finally bought, I knew it was going to be something for us.

            1. Overeducated*

              Yeah, I was sort of like that with wedding dress shopping too! I knew generally what style I wanted, tried on a bunch in my price range, and as soon as I found one I liked…learned that a six month engagement is too short to actually order a wedding dress. So I called every bridal shop in a 30 mile radius to find one with a sample in my size. When you know what you like, you can be methodical and make a quick decision. Hoping housing is similar!

      2. Overeducated*

        I’ve done a lot of looking at what has sold in the past year (prices have gone up so much I don’t think looking further back is useful), that’s part of what makes me nervous. The list of requirements is very short, and we can’t afford to be picky on nice-to-haves, but there still is just not much inventory in our budget. We have a year and a half max to figure this out (before kid starts elementary), hopefully that is enough time!

        1. chi chan*

          Prices fluctuate over a year too. Lower in winter and higher in summer. So if you are looking at last summer’s sales they would be higher. Hope you find something you like soon.

    2. Luisa*

      It took us 3 months from the time we started seriously looking, but we’d spent about 6 months working up to it by then (narrowing down our list of towns to look at, figuring out our real price range, browsing real estate sites to see what we liked/could afford/etc). We also got really, really lucky with the house we ended up buying; it came back on the market after the would-be owner’s financing didn’t work out, and so the sellers were very motivated. We closed in 25 days. It was nuts.

      I do think we easily could have ended up taking another 6 months, or more, if things hadn’t fallen into place with this house. We put offers down on 3 other properties and were outbid every time (sometimes by a lot). I loved the first house we bid on and was pretty crushed when we didn’t get it. After we bid (and did not get) the next one, we made a rule: No letting the perfect be the enemy of the good, but no letting the adequate be the enemy of the good, either. In other words: not holding out for a “dream house,” but not settling for something we had serious reservations about, either.

      1. Overeducated*

        Thanks. Good to hear that it is ok to be a little choosy, things still work out. Hope you are still loving your house!

        1. Luisa*

          Oh gosh, yes – both on being happy and being choosy! Buying a house (or any other type of property) is a huge investment, and you have to be realistic, but you also MUST want the thing you’re buying.

          The second house we put in an offer on was a good house, but it was SO dated. Honestly, every single room would have needed a complete cosmetic overhaul (ripping out carpet, taking down terrible wallpaper, don’t even get me started on the cotton-candy pink bathroom tile/toilet/countertops). For me, it was really right on that line between adequate and good, because did the walls and roof and windows and electrical stuff work? Yes! Would I have spent every single day cringing at the early 80s decorating scheme until we saved enough to start redoing it? Also YES. (Plus, I don’t have an eye for decor, so it would have been a necessary but not-fun process.)

    3. Lilysparrow*

      It’s been a while since we last had to buy, (thank goodness), but have done it several times.

      My best mantra for peace of mind is that the “right house” means the right location, right deal, right price, AT THE RIGHT TIME.

      If one of those things is wrong, the house is wrong.

      You will see a lot of houses that you like. Some of them will be too expensive or need too much work. Some of them will be too far from your target area. Some will have unreasonable sellers or hidden encumbrances that will spoil the deal. And some will get snatchd.

      By definition, none of them were your right house.

      1. Overeducated*

        Thanks. This is what i tell friends about relationships, that if someone is great but it’s not the right time in both if your lives they’re not the right person, so it makes a lot of sense to hear it applied in this context too!

    4. Hooray College Football*

      Also, if you are really serious and the market is hot, don’t wait for open houses. We were outbid on 2 houses (we didn’t use escalation clauses), but I found a house that went on the market on Thursday. I called our agent, we toured it that evening and put in an offer (we free rent back since we weren’t in a hurry to move). They accepted it because they really didn’t want to deal with an open house. That may be more of an exception though.

      1. Overeducated*

        Yeah, now that we are working with an agent and have a decent idea of what we want, we won’t wait for open houses if anything looks really good. I think your method is common in hot markets, and i live in one. Open houses are a good way to get started and check out different types of places and neighborhoods, though!

    5. Marion Ravenwood*

      Caveat: I’m in the UK, so YMMV.

      It took us about six months to buy our house four years ago, and in that time I estimated we looked at around 25-30 properties. The market has slowed down a bit here in recent months due to uncertainty over Brexit, but then we had lots of similar issues with houses selling really quickly and for a lot more than asking price – it was always, ‘well we like it, but do we like it at 10/20% more money?’ So I feel your frustration in terms of the getting beaten to the punch and it can definitely feel like pressure to make an offer quickly even on somewhere you’re not 100% sure about in case someone else gets there first. We lost a house I *really* loved early on in the process and I was gutted, but in hindsight I realised that it wasn’t right for us.

      I agree with Ali G about house buying being like wedding dress shopping – when you know, you know. So try not to get too disheartened about it falling through, because it gets you closer to the ‘right’ house. And yes to keeping an eye on property websites; open houses are great for research, but checking property sites regularly (we used both Zoopla and Rightmove) meant we could make calls to estate agents fairly quickly and get in there early with viewings, which ended up being vital when we looked at the house we ended up buying.

  87. Golf ball toilet*

    Has anyone had one of those “18 golf ball” toilets? They supposedly take care of solid waste. My current toilet isn’t up to the task and I’m tired of plunging all the time. There are apparently three models — American Standard, Champion, Kohler. I’m leaning toward the American Standard. I’ll buy the most expensive one if it will just do the job. I don’t want to take a chance on a cheaper one that might not do the job.

    3. Grace Less*

      I can’t remember what brand we ended up with, but when I oversaw our office remodel several years ago, SEVERAL members of staff pulled me aside to discreetly request the “golf ball toilet”. :D

  88. Crystal Smith*

    My hot water has been out since Friday night, and apparently they have to replace the hot water heater (tomorrow at the earliest.) Anyone have any tips for washing your hair with…I don’t know, a kettle and a prayer?

    1. Rebecca*

      Been there, done that, and I have almost waist length hair. I live in a rural area, so we have power outages, and I’ve also had hot water issues. So, if I have power but no hot water, I heat water in a tea kettle, put cold water in a five gallon bucket, and add the hot water until it’s a bit hotter than I like it (as it will cool fairly quickly). Bucket goes into the shower, and then me, and I do what’s called a navy (?) bath, starting with my hair using a big plastic pitcher to dump water on my head, rinse hair, then I scrub up, rinse off…not optimal but it gets the job done. If no power, I heat the water up on my gas grill. Hope this helps and keeping fingers crossed you’ll have hot water by tomorrow evening!

    2. Pharmgirl*

      I just had this same issue (ran out of hot water 5 times in the last 6 weeks – they just kept relighting the pilot light, finally they replaced the hot water heater on Friday). No hot water sucks.

      My parents are immigrants, and when we visiting their home country when I was younger (and maybe even still now? though showers are common) it was common to take “bucket baths”. I was going to type it out but it’s exactly what Rebecca’s described. Not as quick as a shower, but it works!

    4. Crystal Smith*

      Thanks all! I tried Rebecca’s method and it was better than I could have hoped (glad I impulse-bought an enormous kettle last month because it lights up) – I feel so much more human with freshly washed hair!!

    5. Mephyle*

      A bucket of warm water prepared like Rebecca said. I find it more useful to have a smallish container that holds about two cups, or a small plastic pitcher of that size.
      Then again, when there was a water shortage in our city last year, this video made the rounds. Enjoy.

  89. Persephone Mulberry*

    I’m having a midlife kitchen crisis.

    I started a new job (yay!) and I’ve got a three-week lag between paychecks (boo) and I need to stretch my dollars in a way I’ve never really had to before.

    If you had $50 to spend on food for two weeks to feed yourself and an 11yo, what would you buy and cook?

    2. WellRed*

      Beans, tortillas, peanut butter, ramen noodles, eggs, maybe some ground beef. I guess it depends how well you cook.

      1. Bluebell*

        Lentils and chickpeas too. If you have a good spice cabinet you can do a lot. Plus rice to go with all of the legumes.

    3. Lcsa99*

      Lots and lots of pasta. My mother can no longer stand spaghetti because of the years that was pretty much all she could afford for us. Its filling so it goes pretty far.

    4. Jane*

      Oh that’t tough. What do you already have in your cupboard/fridge/freezer? I’d start there and try to see if you can scrape together any meals with just small supplements.

      Otherwise I’d keep it really simple. Pasta and canned sauce. Peanut butter and jelly on cheap bread. Eggs with toast. Oatmeal and bananas. Maybe some vegetarian chili? Canned beans and tomatoes are cheap. Maybe even some boxed mac and cheese with some frozen peas or broccoli.

    6. Grace Less*

      A food pantry visit may help you to help you bridge the gap. You can donate or volunteer later to help pay it forward.

    7. Persephone Mulberry*

      I spent an hour or so doing a full inventory (and scrubbing my fridge while I was at it). We’ve been eating down the freezer/pantry for a week already, so we’re kind of getting down to the weird odds and ends. Found a whole unopened box of minute rice, a bag of dried chickpeas(?! – I think I had a whim to try making my own hummus a while back?), lots of pancake mix. Plenty of oil, flour, sugar. Half a dozen eggs, a quart of milk, a pound of butter, a block of cheese. Some basic spices, not a lot of variety (chili powder, garlic powder, curry, cumin, paprika, Italian blend, etc). There’s more miscellany, but that hits the high notes. No pasta, no sauce, no animal proteins on hand at the moment.

      1. Overeducated*

        If you bought a 28 oz can of tomatoes and an onion (and ginger IF you have it dried or it’s very cheap fresh), you could use the chickpeas, chili, cumin, and curry powder to make a huge pot of chana masala with rice. That usually lasts at least 3 meals for 2 adults in my house.

      2. fposte*

        Good start. With that, cheese omelets/quiche (you can do quiche crustless if you don’t want to make a crust) for breakfast and your lunch; chickpeas with rice for dinner. Depending on the size of the chickpea bag, that would cover me for a week, easy, but I don’t know 11-year-old food math.

        If you can get cheap odds and ends of veggies or can spring for a can, the egg and rice can also turn into fried rice, which will happily extend to include pretty much anything. I’d probably use the $50 to restock with more eggs, non-minute rice, more dried legumes, cheese again, and something fresh and green but also cookable, like broccoli if people in your house eat it.

      3. HannahS*

        Here are some ideas that use the things you have, plus some legumes, canned tomatoes, and cheap vegetables.
        Vegetable lentil soup: onion, carrot, potato, dried lentils/beans, optionally rice/barley, paprika and garlic powder, a stock cube (optional), and water.
        Tomato-lentil stew: onion, carrot, dried lentils, canned tomato, Italian blend seasoning, serve over rice or potato with cheese on top.
        Mujaddara: Fry some onions, add cumin and lentils. Eat with rice.
        Chili: onion, lentils, chili power, canned tomato, serve with cheese.
        Potato/kale/bean soup: onion, potato, stock cube, canned white beans, bunch of kale–kale keeps well in the fridge and is sturdy enough to last five days in soup without going mushy. If kale is too expensive, use cabbage.
        I’ve never used dried chickpeas, but if you can manage to cook them and make hummus, I bet it’d be great. You don’t need to buy tahini. Just chickpeas, some oil, optionally garlic, lemon juice, salt/pepper, and water will work and be good. I’m a weirdo who eats hummus with a spoon, but YMMV on that.

        You can make a bunch of pancakes and leave them in the fridge, heating up in the toaster for breakfasts. You can make runny pancake batter, put it in the pan, sprinkle cheese on and fold or roll it up, kind of like a quesadilla. Cheese can also be grated and frozen so that it doesn’t go bad. Frugal people swear by oatmeal for breakfast (which you can make palatable by adding butter and sugar) but I hate oatmeal, personally.

        1. Persephone Mulberry*

          I’m totally a hummus-with-a-spoon person; at the rate I was going through it last summer/fall I figured it HAD to be cheaper to make myself (and then the chickpeas ended up behind some other stuff and I forgot about them).

    8. Call me St. Vincent*

      Can you do a crock pot chili with canned beans and canned diced tomatoes? Another really cheap and delicious dinner is macaroni with canned tuna, frozen peas and mayo mixed in. Sounds weird but tastes delicious. Good luck!

    9. Madge*

      A lot depends on what you already have in the pantry and what you like to eat. Inventory your pantry and freezer and see what you have that can be part of a meal or recipe (as opposed to things like bread crumbs which only contribute texture) and see what you need to add. Then take whatever you’re adding and see if that can also be part of another meal. Think of meat as an accent and use beans as your main protein. You’ll save even more if you have the time to cook them yourself. My local grocery store often has cold rotissery chickens for $3.99 so I’d get one of those, tear it apart and make chicken and gravy to serve over potatoes, chicken quesadillas, add to boxed mac and cheese, chicken pasta with white beans and broccoli, and salsa chicken with black beans, corn and rice. I’d cook the bones and make stock to add to other recipes for extra flavor. Rachel Ray has a great sloppy joe recipe and I’d probably double it and substitute an equal volume of red lentils, black beans or chick peas for half the ground beef. You can serve that over toast instead of burger buns. Add extra tomato sauce to stretch it further. Use the rest of the can plus a tomato or two to make tomato soup. Or, make a single recipe of the joes and save half the burger/lentil combo for a batch of Lazy Galumpki which is a casserole that also includes rice, tomato sauce and cabbage. Beans and corn bread. Chili and corn bread. Scrambled eggs and toast. Dutch Babys look fancy but are easy to make and aren’t that different from eggs and toast. Pancakes for dinner. Cole Slaw is a cheap and easy to make veggie. Peanut Butter soup. Fried Egg sandwiches.

    10. Anono-me*

      Please check out your local SHARE Cooperative Food purchasing program.

      SHARE FOOD coops are self-help programs, not Charities and not government Aid. Most ask a single qualifying question “Are you a person who eats food?”. (A few ask for like two hours of volunteer service a month in the community. )
      The overseeing organization purchases healthy food in bulk, the food is sorted into boxes, the boxes are then sold at approximately 50% of what the food would sell for in a grocery store. The drawback is that when you purchase a box, you get the box; no substitutions and no individual items available. For example the Standard box near me is $22 and comes with several packages each of lean meat, vegetable, fruit, and starches.
      The exact content varies from week to week. (There are also boxes for vegetarians, people who don’t eat pork, and several other categories.)

      SHARE Food Coops actively want more people of all incomes to participate. You don’t need to worry about taking food that someone in more dire straits may need desperately. If you participate, you will be helping the program succeed.

      Good luck in all of this and with the new position.

      1. Anono-me*

        I forgot to add, you may want to ask and see if your 11 year old school has any type of breakfast or snack programs.

        1. Anono-me*

          The food share program run by Catholic Charities in DC is a local program. I suspect that’s the website you found. But there are multiple programs across the country. They’re just independent of each other without a national organization umbrella.

          Here are the names of a few of the others Food SHARE organizations: Food Share of Iowa, Food Share of Philadelphia, Golden Food Share (CA). Fare for All (MN) and Food Share HR (Virginia peninsula).

          If none of these locations work for you, I suggest Googling FoodShare and your state’s name. (The Philly Food Share site used to have a partial listing of organizations.)

          1. fposte*

            Thanks for the clarification. I did find that list of other states, though the links are out of date and there doesn’t seem to be one for my region anymore (not that that matters to Persephone–I just started by looking for mine). It seems like a great program–I hope it expands.

          2. Persephone Mulberry*

            Thank you for the expanded explanation – my state is one you mentioned. What a great resource!

            1. Anono-me*

              It’s a great program. You get to help out other people. You get to help out yourself. And probably best of all, you get to reduce the amount of time wasted prepping for grocery shopping and actually grocery shopping. ( I find meal planning without any parameters sucks up a lot of time and decision making energy.)

              I hope it works for you, and even if it doesn’t work now, it might work later.

    11. Dr. Anonymous*

      Hillbilly Housewife has a $45 “emergency menu” meal plan to feed 4-6 people for one that may help you plan sinc there are only two of you.
      Rice, beans, cheap canned tomato sauce, oatmeal, eggs if they’re offered as a “loss leader” on sale. Apples by the bag. Check the discount groceries like Aldi, Grocery Outlet, etc. if there is one and get the store brands.

      1. Lilysparrow*

        I also remembered this from a while back, and was going to suggest it. But when I looked at the shopping list, the prices bore no resemblance to current prices anywhere near me. It’s certainly extremely frugal, but it may not fit in these specific constraints. Then again, it does include staples like sugar & baking powder that OP may have on hand already.

    12. Lilysparrow*

      Flour, cornmeal, rolled oats, eggs, powdered milk, dry beans, rice, potatoes, bananas, peanut butter, frozen spinach and frozen peas.

    13. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Open cupboard, figure out what you have, go to allrecipes.com (or whatever it’s called) and type in those ingredients. You can probably stretch your food quite well, just be eating a little oddly.

    14. The Redshirt*

      Ramen noodles. Lots and lots of ramen noodles. With sweet chili sauce on top. Salad dressing. Soy sauce.

      1. Zona the Great*

        Depends how bad. Do you need a sump pump? I’d rent one from Home Depot before hiring anyone. Structural damage? I’d call my insurance. Sop up and move on? Pick an old set of towels and toss.

        1. help*

          The water was a thin layer on the back half of the bathroom floor. Bathroom is tiled. It has occurred to me that the bathroom mats can just go in the bin si that’s one less thing to worry about. I was just presuming I needed to bleach/disinfect the, err, sh!t (pun fully intended) out of everything but when I googled to see what to do everyone seems to say get the professionals in. The kid is with the other parent at the mo (divorced) but back tomorrow and I don’t want to subject him to fecal bacteria!!

          2. Zona the Great*

            Ah okay. I like bleach or ammonia cleaners followed up with a hot soapy mixture made of dawn dish soap. Use old rags or t-shirts you’re willing to toss.

          3. fposte*

            I go with bleach on your own. I don’t know if this helps or makes it worse, but the kid is already subject to fecal bacteria, as are all the rest of us. You just want to keep the load reasonably low.

          4. Sammie*

            Had this happen. I used up old towels (and some new – it was quite a bit of water!) and bleached those tiles and basically everything in the small bathroom three full times. The other thing to consider is if there may be water damage under the tile. Ours was an old apartment building where the dirty water leaked down to the garage below (thank god, just a garage!) but I have also seen bad leaks get under better tiling (usually from a pipe though) . If you see shadowing beneath the tile, or the smell doesn’t dissipate (with good cleaning and lots of open windows it should only take an hour or two), you may have an issue that needs to be more fully checked out.

          5. Rick Tq*

            Safety reminder: Do NOT mix bleach and ammonia in an effort to get things *really* clean… One or the other with a good rinse between. The mixture make toxic chloramine gas.

            1. fposte*

              I’m so phobic about this I don’t do ammonia products at home. I’m afraid my memory of what has it and what doesn’t would be faulty at a key moment.

  92. Elizabeth West*

    Who knew that getting your period could keep you from a yeast infection while you’re on 1000 mg a day of short-term antibiotics? I didn’t, but now I do. Way to go, Flo! \0/

    Also, GoodRx is like magic. When I mentioned that website while reminding my doc’s office I couldn’t afford expensive treatment, the receptionist whipped out a GoodRx card and handed it to me. They somehow called it in under that and I only had to pay $5 for amoxicillin. I am actually grateful to Walmart for their pharmacy even though they’re evil and I hate them for many other reasons and resent that I have to shop there. My levothyroxine is only $4 ($10 for a 90-day supply) and I need that to frickin live.

    1. foolofgrace*

      Good Rx is a lifesaver, though when I presented my coupons to the pharmacist and asked them to use the insurance or Good Rx, whichever was cheaper, she wasn’t too thrilled with the extra work. But for a while I had no insurance and it was a lifesaver.

      1. Pharmgirl*

        It definitely helps to ask for good Rx ahead of time (when you place your order). It’s billed the way insurance is, so depending on the pharmacy, they may need to run the prescription through the entire workflow again. But when I worked retail, I actually kept the GoodRx phone on my app – anytime I had a patient with high copays or no insurance, I’d check to see if they could get a deal from GoodRx.

    2. Blackcat*

      I have always paid out of pocket for amoxicillin. It costs $5 without insurance. I almost always ask the pharmacy what my insurance price is and the full pay. A fair number of times, it’s cheaper to not get it through insurance, even without something like GoodRx.

        1. Rhymes with Mitochondria*

          Sadly some pharmacies will NOT tell you if the cash price is cheaper. I actually just left the pharmacy I had been using for YEARS when I realized they had been charging me the $50 copay on a $22 prescription, and when I asked the cash price, they lied and told me that $50 WAS the cash price.
          Called them on the phone a few days later, same exact tech told me the cash price was $22.
          Insurance companies want the clawbacks, and if your state doesn’t have a law preventing it, the pharmacy might be bound by their agreements with insurers to not disclose the actual cash price cost to people who have insurance. It’s a thing, and it’s VERY unfair to the consumer.

      2. Elizabeth West*

        Some pharmacies are more expensive overall. Walgreen’s charged me $10-$12 through my insurance for the levothyroxine and $25 without it. They do not have a $4 prescription list. I don’t go there anymore now for anything, because they backed up a religious pharmacist misogynist d-hole, but $25 was hard to manage. So I switched to Walmart.

    3. Thursday Next*

      Uneven medication and copay pricing in the U.S. is one of my soapbox topics.

      I’m glad GoodRx came through for you.

  93. Sunflower*

    I just found out my aunt(she’s 65) was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. Apparently it’s been going on a for a while- my uncle said a she’s been showing signs for few years but she was just diagnosed a few months ago. I see this aunt a few times a year but I didn’t notice anything. This is my dad’s sister- his mother had a long, terrible battle with it. I’ve seen people go rather quickly but her’s was drawn out over 10 years. She lived with us and it was very difficult to watch.

    I’m…freaked out to say the least. I don’t know what to do. Both of my parents and their sides are generally very healthy- we don’t have any cancers or other illnesses that have affected anyone. My grandmother having Alzheimer’s is really it but I’m worried I’m going to get it as well. I’ve never thought about doing genetic testing. Especially with this, I don’t see how knowing I had the gene would give me any leg up on it.

    What would you do in this situation?

    1. Lcsa99*

      I can’t imagine a benefit of getting tested. Having the gene doesn’t mean you would necessarily get it. I mean, it might help get a faster diagnosis if it does happen later, but it won’t help you now. You can’t prevent it. Or even guess at what age it’ll hit if it does. It would probably make you worry more, every time you do the very human thing of forgetting something. I don’t think actually knowing will make your life better.

      If knowing you MIGHT get it later would make you live your life differently, then maybe you should make those changes now anyway, even though you don’t know, and just enjoy life as much as you can

      1. Lcsa99*

        I meant to add, I am so sorry about your Aunt. I cant imagine what you and your family are going through, or what is to come.

    2. fposte*

      There isn’t a single gene for Alzheimer’s. There’s one version of the APOE gene that has a higher risk, but lots of people with that variant don’t get Alzheimer’s, and lots of people without it do.

      Diseases like Huntington’s, where a single genetic test is pretty much a prediction of your future, are a lot less common than diseases like dementia and heart disease and cancer, where genes are complicated and a lot of other things factor into your likelihood of getting it.

      What I’d do is get regular exercise, eat healthy, and get a reasonable amount of sleep. That will lessen your risk of a lot of diseases, not just Alzheimer’s, so if you can translate your worry into that action, that’s likely to be generally beneficial for your future.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Agreed. Take that worry and build a plan for a healthier life style. I am not saying your life style isn’t already healthy! ;) We all can do more and find more ways to help ourselves. Part of your answer may be learning about the grieving process. Minds are funny/odd you know, the mind can latch on to Worry X and allow the worry to block us from grieving. So learning about the grieving process, one thing is sometimes we grieve the person BEFORE they die, such as we grieve their final illness and suffering more than we grieve their loss.

        It’s my personal belief that many people are wrongly diagnosed with AD. They have something else or they have several problems colliding in a serious way. This gives me some hope for my own setting, I do not HAVE to go down that road, I could have another road or I could simply pass in my sleep at a ripe old age.

        I also believe that by eating good foods I can support my body and mind. I notice a difference in my ability to process if I eat chicken or salmon. There are other foods that also make me feel better. A body with organs that function well is more apt to have a brain that functions well.

        1. Cherry Sours*

          Agreed. My parents seemed to develop Alzheimer’s around the same time. Their progression was similar for the first few years, and then Mom had a stroke. Further decline, as to be expected. Found out three days before she passed that Mom actually had a brain tumor. Devastated, and have wondered ever since if her tumor was noticed by the doc who reviewed the images after her stroke.)

    3. Chi chan*

      Take good care of your teeth and gums. Alzheimer’s has been associated with normal oral flora bacteria that enters bloodstream when gums bleed. Kind of like infective endocarditis and strep bacteria. Sorry about your aunt.

    4. Been there....*

      Make sure I had some long-term care insurance in place (if that’s available where you are – it’s unfortunately not a thing where I live), eat as healthily as possible, get some therapy to help me deal with the what-ifs, and then just hope for the best.

      I’d also do research into how to lower the risk of developing Alzheimer’s and other forms of dementia.

      I would not do genetic testing. It’s not going to give me comfort and there could be future insurance-related ramifications of having a documented higher risk.

  94. Amber Rose*

    Sigh. It’s been a mixed bag of stress for a while now. And it culminated in the world’s most frustrating meeting with the bank, where I asked if there was anything I could do about my high interest credit card debt and was basically given shitty attitude and made to feel like a failure because I don’t want a consolidation loan. They are a terrible idea. I don’t like having control taken away from me, and I would lose all flexibility in my budget. Which would screw us sideways the next time we have to replace something.

    I just hate how I finally get up the nerve to ask for help with something I have a lot of shame over and basically get treated like a recalcitrant child for questioning. Friggin banks.

    2. Madge*

      Don’t mind them. You’ve got the right idea. And if they’re making you feel bad for being too smart to take on a debt that makes them money but limits your flexibility then that’s on them. But unfortunately, that’s all they can really offer. Credit cards are unsecured debt. If you stop paying there’s nothing to repo so there’s got to be something for them to take on that risk.

    3. Rick Tq*

      Look at your local credit unions (if they are available where you live) to get out from under a for-profit bank.. They are member-owned so much less emphasis on high interest rates.

  95. Epsilon Delta*

    So weird thing came in the mail today. My husband received two VA “cash out loan” offers. They specifically refer to him as a veteran and say his service makes him eligible for these offers. But he is not a veteran and has never served in the military at all! Is this a scam? Should I be reporting this to someone or is it just random junk mail I can shred?

    1. Call me St. Vincent*

      You could report it to your local U.S. Attorney’s Office. Even if it isn’t criminal, it could be a civil fraud matter especially if it involves Veterans issues. Good luck!

  96. Gatomon*

    Wedding invite etiquette question:

    I received a save the date for a college friend’s wedding a few months ago. We’re not super close, I’ve seen her in person maybe 1x per year since graduation because she was either working overseas or on the other side of the country. The save the date was a nice surprise, and I marked my calendar. I already asked for the day off since it is a Friday wedding and summer is a hard time to get PTO for me. The wedding is in her hometown a few hours from me, so I was just going to drive.

    I haven’t been on the lookout for a formal invitation yet since summer is a ways off, but she just posted on social media about receiving a funny RSVP response to her wedding invitation, complete with a picture of the returned RSVP. I can only assume now that she’s sent out the invites. Further creeping on her social media confirmed she’s recently ordered the place cards too. (Now I see why Facebook can be bad for your mental health….)

    I haven’t received anything, not even a “sorry we realized we couldn’t squeeze you in after all,” and I’m a bit miffed. I thought save the dates were only supposed to go to people who were certain to get invited? Or is this a thing that is changing? I’m not invested enough in this to discuss it with her since I wouldn’t have expected an invite anyway if I hadn’t gotten the save the date, just wondering for my own knowledge. My upbringing/family is super traditional when it comes to things like weddings, funerals and baby showers so I have been surprised at what is actually considered normal in other etiquette areas recently.

    1. HannahS*

      No, that’s really weird. Why would you want someone to save the date for something if they aren’t going to be invited? What would they be saving the date for?

      1. WellRed*

        Because you haven’t narrowed down your guests list? Or, maybe something changed and now you can’t invite everyone. I don’t agree with either.

          1. Gatomon*

            It DOES seem early! But the save the dates went out 8 months in advance, which I thought was kind of early too. My best guess for why would be that she’s invited some people from out of country/out of state and wants to ensure they have time to make arrangements.

    2. Dr. Anonymous*

      What if your invitation got lost in the mail? It’s not unreasonable to drop her a note (hey, how are you? I requested vacation for your wedding and I’m wondering if invitations went out yet) before you get miffed. Then if you’re not going because she was rude enough to send a save the date and not invite you you can cancel your PTO or make a solid plan now to spend it in your back yard with a trashy novel and a slushy drink or some other leisure activity of your choice.

      2. Kate Daniels*

        I agree that it’d make sense to verify whether it got lost in the mail. I also love your idea of what to do if she really was rude enough to not invite you after sending the Save the Date. (I’m such an introvert that I would actually be thrilled if Option #2 came to fruition!!!)

      3. Gatomon*

        Hmm, it could be lost. I didn’t think about that – I don’t think I’ve ever had mail lost before. Or at least not mail that I noticed was missing.

        I think I will chill on a bit and come up with some tactful way to inquire when I’m feeling a little less miffed.

        Also now I have the Pina Colada song stuck in my head!

        1. Bekx*

          A little late but if you’re still reading–

          A lot of modern wedding invites are bulkier or have wax seals or twine wrapped around them to be more decorative. Unfortunately, that means they are more likely to get eaten by the post office sorter machine. It’s super common with wedding invitations, and on the wedding boards I’m on I see it happen allll the time.

          I’m planning a wedding and did not send save the dates to anyone I wasn’t 100% sure I was inviting. There were people we are probably inviting but didn’t send a save the date to, but we will send them an invitation. Since you got a save the date, it would be 100% acceptable to message your friend and mention that you didn’t receive an invite and wanted to make sure it wasn’t misplaced in the mail.

          I’m terrified of this happening with my invites because my mail is awful here, so I will be calling people if they don’t RSVP as well, but I wouldn’t think twice if someone texted me and asked me where their invite was. Not rude at all for you to do.

    3. Agnodike*

      It’s probably a mistake. It wouldn’t be at all rude to send her a message saying “Got your save the date, very excited to attend, but I think my invitation has gotten lost somehow! Can you send me a link to the wedding website so I can RSVP?” There’s nothing too complicated or fraught about it; mistakes happen, things get lost in the mail or slip behind the kitchen counter or fall out of the stack at the post office or whatever.

      If she’s been terribly rude and sent you a save the date but not an invitation, well, now you know she’s very rude and you can make your plans for the relationship going forward accordingly. If it’s a genuine mistake, you’ve saved yourself from being extremely rude by ghosting an RSVP and you get to go have a good time at her presumably lovely wedding.

  97. Have dragon, will quest in exchange for hummus*

    Referring to my question last week about slowing down the passage of time…

    I’ve decided to try and make weekends count more by making them movie/binge-watch days. It’s not slowing things down, but it is making me appreciate the time a lot more. So I think I’ll keep doing this.

    Currently listening to hbomberguy, who’s funny as hell.

  98. Lcsa99*

    I thought I was doing better with my self esteem but tonight proved that wrong. We did what was supposed to be a fun pottery wheel class tonight. My husband and I, along with our 13 year old nephew did one at a different place previously and it was fun and easy so we assumed we would get the same here. Unfortunately I completely failed to make anything. Actually, that isn’t true. Once I finally gave up (I told everyone in the class that the universe was telling me it wasn’t meant to be) I shaped a cute cat head by hand, but I so completely failed to make anything with the wheel it isn’t even funny. And instead of blaming the teacher, I am blaming myself as an “artist.” I know logically that she wasn’t clear in her instructions and had too many people in the class to be of any real help, but I still blame myself for being unable to do something that was so incredibly EASY last time, a kid could do it well.

    1. misspiggy*

      I’m sorry it was an unfun experience. I guess it’s all about the framing – a cute cat head can be seen as a pretty darn good achievement from an oversubscribed class.
      Maybe you could draw from it the realisation that you would value some serious time getting to know the wheel (in a different, more focused class)?

      1. The Dread Pirate Buttercup*

        Yes — a cute cat head made well, despite obstacles, should not be harshly judged. I’ve also found that kids are maddeningly good at picking up random stuff very quickly, and I don’t think “not as good as a talented child with good support” is any kind of reasonable diss when you’re in an overcrowded class.

        Slightly related: have you heard the song “Nothing” from A Chorus Line? It feels relevant. If working with clay might bring you satisfaction, find a better class. If not, then why waste your precious time on it?

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I hope you don’t let this one experience stop you from trying other new-to-you things. I tried stain glass. My husband was better at it than me right from the start. Oh well. The glass was pretty. The older I get the more I see people putting emphasis on the fact that I even tried. And you know, there is some truth to that. If we don’t try then we don’t know what we can actually do. And that saying about kissing a bunch of frogs first is true about many things in life. Keeping trying new to you things. It’s okay if you don’t get it. There are other things out there that will be naturals for you.

  99. Julia*

    I ordered the turtle pendant! Mostly because I can’t find the perfect watch and bag right now (someone was saying those were more important, but I don’t want to buy something I don’t enjoy later) and because I worked very hard lately and also achieved a personal goal (my first C#6 lol), so I wanted to reward myself. Thanks everyone!

  100. Janet Snakehole*

    Some friends and I are having a Galentine’s party this week. We’re each supposed to bring a dish that reminds us of love. Many are planning on bringing one of mom/grandma’s recipes. I think I’m going to try making homemade butter rolls, just like my mom always does for every holiday.

    What would you bring? What food reminds you of love?

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