weekend free-for-all – May 18-19, 2019

by Alison Green on May 18, 2019

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: The Mother-in-Law, by Sally Hepworth, in which the mysterious death of a family matriarch causes all sorts of relationships and secrets to unravel. This is not my usual fare, but I quite enjoyed it.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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    1. Fey*

      I recently discovered Shelbey Wilson on Youtube. Her makeup style is clean, simple, and fresh. Very achievable. Minimal products and brushes (as she tends to use the same brush for a few things in the same tutorial). She also rarely wears falsies, which is my pet peeve.

      Pixiwoo also does very easy tutorials – Sam and Nic Chapman, who make Real Techniques brushes and are makeup artists, run the account. They’re in their late 30s/early 40s and are really into the minimal products, done in 10 mins, not going clubbing, just going to run some errands, look. Haha.

      I’d say stick to the basics. Not everyone needs foundation. So if your skin is good, maybe a cc cream will suffice. I don’t do any contouring – it’s really not as necessary as beauty gurus will lead you to believe. Or even highlighter for that matter. Maybe a bit of blusher would be nice? I love eyeshadow but I’m not into the full-on Instagram look. For that, eyeshadow sticks are amazing. I have a lot of Nudestix ones, which I find are easy to use and they’re also in a million shades of nude (hence the name), so you can wear them for the no-makeup makeup look. They have a few colours where you’re wearing just one shade and you blended it with your finger, but it looks like you’re wearing a few and you’ve really blended it well with three kinds of brushes. I like that.

    2. Ask a Manager* Post author

      My one and only makeup trick: When you’re lining your top lashes, do it with the pencil positioned from underneath your lashes rather than from above. This makes tight-lining really easy.

    3. Lena Clare*

      For lining my eyes, I like Alison’s tip above. I pull my eye up to get a close lash line with a pencil sorry of like a guide then go over any gaps with a liquis kohl. It also makes it look really black.

      Sometimes I leave it like that, but usually I line my lower lashes too. I did it by rubbing the pencil along the lower lashes and inside the eye (so it’s mostly inside the eye) then I use my finger to run the pencil off the inside eye and smudge it on the lashes. That way I don’t end up with pencil halfway down my cheeks!

      Mascara – I sort of put it on by moving the brush upwards in a back and forth horizontal motion rather than straight up vertically. I don’t know if that makes sense. I seem to catch all the little hairs that way. :)

      2. Ethyl*

        For mascara, yes to the back and forth motion! Also, warm up your mascara slightly (I tuck mine under my boob lol but you can also run the tube under warm water). It makes it go on so smoothly and with fewer clumps.

        1. Texan In Exile AKA the gold digger who for a while was also The Candidate's Wife*

          Yes! I put my makeup on in the car on the way to work (visor mirror makes it easy and there is a super long light at Bluemound, so, you know – efficiency.) But in the winter, the mascara is too cold, even inside the house. So I stick it in my bra before I leave! By the time I am ready to use it, it’s warm.

          I thought the internet existed only to bring cat lovers together. Apparently, it also serves to inform me that I am not alone in my mascara warming via breast strategy!

      3. Introverted Manager*

        Is there a better way to tightline that doesn’t irritate contacts? I find my eyes are so irritated when I get too close. I love the look but being teary-eyed isn’t supposed to be part of that.

        1. Blue Bunny*

          If you apply a primer first (using a Q Tip or orange stick) it can help prevent the liner from wandering, but then you need to find a primer that doesn’t irritate. It might be easier to find a natural/low-irritation liner.

        2. Lena Clare*

          Hm not sure that this will work bc I don’t wear contacts so can’t say for definite, but I’ve sometimes made my eyes water because I’ve lined too close to my eyeball (sorry for grossing people out here!)
          I suppose you could try a liner for sensitive eyes and also pulling your eyes down further.

          Or you might need to try lining above the lashes so none of the product can get in the eye, then smudging it with a cotton wool bud instead?

    4. Marion Ravenwood*

      I really like Sali Hughes. She’s a British journalist who, amongst other things, writes a weekly beauty column in the Guardian, which as well as having tips on product applications also has some videos with tips on applying things like flicky eyeliner, lipstick etc (there are also similar videos on her website – salihughesbeauty dot com – and Instagram). I’d also recommend her book Pretty Honest, which has lots of great tips on makeup application amongst other beauty-related things.

      For my own tips, I agree with the tightlining and mascara tips already suggested. Also for lipstick, I always draw my Cupid’s bow in a cross first and then use the edge of the lipstick to follow the line of my mouth, blot with a tisue and repeat. Also for powder products and foundation good brushes can make the world of difference, although you don’t need expensive ones – I find brands like Real Techniques and EcoTools to be just as good, and art supply shops can be a good source too.

    5. Dino*

      For an easy eyeshadow look I always put the lighter shade on the inner half of my eyelid (closer to my nose) and then a complimenting darker shade on the outside half, then blend them together by swiping back and forth where the two shades meet with a makeup brush. It takes 30 seconds and adds a bit of depth.

    6. NMFTG*

      Lisa Eldrige a British professional makeup artist, has a lot of good tips in her “5-minute,” “quick”, “fast” and “minimal” tutorials that might be good places to learn little tricks. She has her own website, but I always just look at her youtube channel.

      Like Fey above, she also advices to just use foundations/bb-creams or concealer on part of your face, if you want any correcting, no need to do a full face.

      Since you mentioned having fun – have a think about what fun is to you? Is it more colours? Looking like a different version of yourself? Expressing a different style for a party etc. and look at tutorials that capture what you’re drawn to.

    7. Karen from Finance*

      When looking at tutorials online, be mindful that there’s a lot out there that looks great on camera but doesn’t really look that good or last long in real life. Focus on channels that do simple things, and look for somebody who looks as close to you as possible (because what works on one skin and/or facial structure may not work on another).

      A lot for makeup is dependent on the type of features, so search in specific: eyeliner is different for hooded/almond/asian eyes, oily and dry skins need different types of products, etc.

      I suggest finding out if there are any in-person classes you can take in your area. My city is full of makeup artists who offer 2 or 4 hour self-makeup classes, where they go through a day look and a night look with you and help you find what works best for you in particular. They are usually not expensive here. I like it because you get to try a couple of things and you get advice specific to your needs.

    8. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I like the smallthingsblogdotcom. She has a nice mix of natural and night on the town looks. She does nice tutorial videos too, and has recommendations for makeup products from drugstores, Target, Ulta, Sephora, etc. basically something for everyone. One thing that helped me is that my coloring is very similar to hers, so I can usually wear the exact shades/colors that she does, which makes it a little easier to pick out product.

    9. Grace*

      It’s definitely possible to pick and choose from YT tutorials without going all-in. I’m a bit makeup-obsessed, but I hardly ever wear foundation and I definitely don’t contour. It’s worth using them for techniques, but you don’t have to copy the looks. Also, you definitely don’t need to go high-end or expensive. RealTechniques for brushes and sponges, L’Oreal and Maybelline have great mascaras and concealers, H&M have some fantastic neutral eyeshadow quads. A lot of people *like* going high-end, but you don’t need to.

      In terms of quick things, my go-to for something really quick and easy, the sort of thing that makes people tell me I look so nice now I’m not wearing any makeup (ugh, never say that to anyone, please) – are as follows:
      – Moisturise the hell out of my face, concealer on any problematic areas (nose for redness, under eyes, any spots) and immediately use a big fluffy brush to sweep loose powder all over my face to stop the concealer from creasing. I usually use Maybelline Age Rewind concealer and the L’Oreal loose powder, and anything with at least SPF 25 for the moisturiser.
      – Eyes: I use Rimmel eyeshadow primer, but you don’t need it if you don’t have oily lids. The H&M mauve or bronze quad, fluffy brush to sweep the lightest matte shade through the crease – these sorts of techniques are what YT tutorials are for, there are a lot where they walk you through how to hold and manoeuvre the brushes. If I want to make it obvious that I’m wearing eyeshadow, I take one of the shimmery shades on my fingertips and take that all over the lid, otherwise I just take the darker matte shade and blend it into the outer third to add a bit more depth. Either way, I take the light shade again on a small thin brush and take it under the outer third of the lower lash line. More natural lashes, Maybelline Great Lash; otherwise, L’Oreal Paradise.
      – Face: I have very pale skin, so I use a more peach blush, usually L’Oreal Life’s A Peach. The apples of the cheeks thing doesn’t work for me, so I start there but sweep it back out along my cheekbone. I almost always highlight, usually ELF (keep it natural on the high points of the cheeks; you’re going for healthy glow, not blinding) and also dot just a little on the inner corner of my eyes to brighten them up. A lot of people don’t bother with highlight, but I would recommend something on the inner corner to open up your eyes and make you look awake.
      – Lips – if I’m aiming for natural, usually a lip stain. L’Oreal’s Rouge Signature stains the lips really well and lasts all day in a very subtle way. If I don’t care about natural – which, let’s be honest, is most of the time – I like Maybelline Super Stay Matte Ink. My favourite spendy purchase is the Smashbox Always On liquid lipstick, which is fantastic, but it’s not that much better than things you can buy on the high street.

      I think the main thing to focus on is that you can really pick and choose whatever you like. I never wear eyeliner, because I have hooded lids and it transfers or just becomes the only thing you can see, and I don’t like how it looks. Other people would have you think that no makeup look is ever complete without liner, but I completely disagree, at least for me. It’s about what works for you and your face. My main areas of fun are eyeshadow, highlighter, and lipstick; I never contour and don’t do eyeliner or falsies, which for some other people are the main areas of focus. It’s your face, and you decide what you put on it.

    10. MissDisplaced*

      I love makeup but don’t have tons of time in the morning. I recommend following The 5 Minute Face, which was pioneered by Bobbi Brown, but also expanded on by Carmindy (of What Not to Wear fame – she has some YouTube videos).

      I don’t have tips really, except that it helps to find the colors that work for you and make your eyes pop. The one neat thing I did find was a cat eye “stamp” eyeliner because I could never get how to make a good cat eye on my own! And black liquid or marker eyeliner takes practice and a steady hand. I don’t have time for that every day, so using a good pencil eyeliner is much easier! I also do my eyeliner first—and then put on the eye shadow because it gives a softer look.

    11. SansaStark*

      I totally agree that finding what you like/what works for YOU is the most important thing. And then just practice….I tend to wear quite a bit of makeup but my “everyday routine” only takes me about 10-15 minutes because I pretty much do the same thing every day, even if I’m picking different colors/products. But the technique is the same so it goes quickly. The one thing I do no matter what is curl my eyelashes with my Shiseido curler and put on mascara. This immediately brightens my face and makes me look (or at least feel) more awake.

      1. MissDisplaced*

        I love to play more when I go out. But yes, my everyday look is super-simple and takes maybe 5-8 minutes depending. The only thing I generally vary is the eyeliner colors (black, gray or brown) and the eyeshadow colors.

        >Moisturizer
        >Foundation & light sweep of the big Powder brush to set
        >Curl eyelashes
        >Eyeliner
        >Eyeshadow (1 light shade + 1 darker shade)
        >>In summer a spritz of matte makeup setting spray
        This can be done in about 5 minutes.

        I don’t need mascara (lucky me) if I curl my long black lashes, and I don’t care for lipstick, but you could keep that in your purse anyway. Concealer: I do have it, but don’t need to use all that often. If I have more time, I’ll do the cat eye stamp and liquid liner… it looks fab but it takes me another 5 minutes to do it neatly. I have maybe 4 good quality eyeshadow palettes I rotate (a good one should include matte and frosted shades). Having at least one good neutral palette in “your” colors is a must!

    12. Ron McDon*

      Katie, a make up artist who runs the Beauty and the Boutique website has some good videos on how to apply a natural make up.
      https://www.beautyandtheboutique.tv/no-makeup-makeup-tutorial/

      I also love Mally (she sells on QVC UK) – I have several of her foundations, mascara, eyeliners and eyeshadow sticks. The foundation and mascara are fab, the eyeliners not so good (they go on well and the colours are gorgeous, but they smudge), but her shadow sticks I really love! They are easy to apply, blend well and last for ages. Mally has YouTube tutorials showing how to do everything from a natural look to a more dramatic ‘evening’ make up.
      https://m.youtube.com/user/MallyTVProductions

      Like others have mentioned though, it’s about finding someone who does a look you like, with similar skin/features to yours, using products similar to those you have or that you can purchase.

    13. AnonEMoose*

      If you’re going to wear eyeshadow, invest in a tube of the eyeshadow primer from Urban Decay. You just apply it before applying your eye makeup and let it dry for a few seconds.

      Then apply eye makeup as normal, and it will not move until you remove it.

      The makeup will not run, smudge, or crease. It’s about $22 a tube, and a tube lasts a long time. I also get their eye makeup remover, which works well and doesn’t irritate my eyes.

    14. Guest*

      If you live near a Nordstrom, I recommend making a free appointment (with no pressure to buy!) with one of their Beauty Advisors. I did this last year to get help in selecting a concealer that blended well on skin without foundation as well as a pretty lip color with a lip balm texture – both for my “no makeup makeup” workday look. You can make an appointment through the Nordstrom website, and during the process can describe what kind of makeup look you are interested in.

    15. Hills on Hills on Hills*

      Hopefully not too late to the thread…!!

      I find the thing that makes me look the most polished (and awake!) is my brows. Never underestimate the power of done brows!

      If yours are not that full, fill them in. I use the ELF brow compact and it’s great. It comes with a matte powder and a dark gel/wax. Use the powder and an angled brush to fill in your brows, and the gel/wax to set them with a small eye-shadow brush (one that looks like the tip of a kitty’s tongue).

      Also figure out what concealer works best for you. I have another ELF palette that has green, purple, blue, a light pinky colour and skin-coloured concealer. I mainly use the green for redness around my nose and in between my brows, and to calm down the redness of zits. The pinky colour is good for opening up your eyes – just pop a little in the inner and outer corners. And the purple can help lift the colour under your eyes if you’re a bit darker there, or on areas that are a bit more sallow. Blend those bad boys in, then pop your BB/CC cream over top where you need it most. I usually need it on my cheeks, a bit on my chin and forehead, and a little around the jawline. A good primer will help it all stay in its place, or a powder over top if you prefer a more matte look.

      I usually finish the above with a bright blush, my brows, mascara, liquid liner if I’m feeling really snazzy, and lipstick/balm. Total time = 5ish mins for the basics, 10mins if I decide I need liner (I need to concentrate haha).

    16. Trixie*

      If you have blond or light colored hair, consider lash/brow tinting. Instant impact and easy to maintain. Those with more sensitive skin may find otherwise.

  2. Wicked Witch of the West*

    calling fposte:
    Last weekend you mentioned places that accepted textiles for recycling. What kind of places? I’ve been searching. Have a pile of stuff too ratty for the thrift shop, but don’t want to burden the landfill.

    1. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Some towns now take them. Our town we can drop them at the landfill/transfer station.

      1. gsa*

        Our too, except you put them in a special orange bag and leave them next to recycling bin. Look up simplerecycling (dot) com

    2. Anono-me*

      You may want to check with your local
      thrift store about ratty clothing. One of the local thrift shops near me takes ratty clothes (specifically labeled please) and uses them to make shop Rags Etc out of. You can go in and buy a “bag o rags”.

    3. Asenath*

      Some thrift shops ship clothing they can’t sell off to the places that re-use them for other purposes.

    4. Ranon*

      H&M will take them through their textile recycling program. Your local thrift store may have a relationship with a textile recycler (my local Goodwill does and will take non sellable textiles, you may need to ask), and many cities with recycling programs have a relationship with a textile recycler, ours has a program where they drop off a bag and the textile recycler picks it up the same day as regular recycling. Our city also has those clothes recycling drop-offs, if you Google the company on the side you can usually figure out whether they’re primarily a recycler or a reseller (although there’s lots of overlap on that front)- this is usually my last choice since they’re not as transparent about what they do but it’s still a reasonable option.

      1. Chocolate Teapot*

        Where I live there are a couple of charity clothing banks. Also, we have a collection once or twice a year where you leave bags outside for collection. I do this when wanting to get rid of old (but still wearable) shoes.

    5. fposte*

      You’re getting better crowdsourced answers than you could get from just me! I take mine to a local thrift store, but there are also bins around town by a couple of concerns that recycle textiles.

      Earth911 dot com has a recycling locator, where you can put in your zip code and the kind of reycling you’re looking for, and it gives you locations of various kinds; unfortunately, for clothing the list doesn’t clarify if they only take resellable clothes or not, but that could be one place to start looking and then you could cross check with the relevant orgs’ websites.

    6. Wicked Witch of the West*

      Thank you so much, everybody! I will start by asking Goodwill, they have a store only a couple of miles from me.

    7. Tris Prior*

      If you happen to be in Chicago, there is s bin for this on Loyola’s campus (Rogers Park, not downtown). I believe they turn them into rags for the science labs.

  3. Phoenix, AZ*

    Calling all the folks in Phoenix, AZ! Or very close to Phoenix!

    My husband and I are most likely moving to PHX soon due to many personal reasons. We are looking to buy a condo unit and we’ve looked at many listings that are within our price range ($200k-$250k). Not knowing PHX that well, when the listing calls its property as “highly desirable”, “central to everything”, “desirable zip code” and all those positive words they use, we really have no idea how accurate the location descriptions are.

    So if you live/lived in PHX or live/lived very close to it, can you throw out the locations/areas that are truly worth taking a look?

    We don’t want to live in suburbs and prefer to live in a high/mid rise building that has an easy access to public transportation, grocery stores, hospital, pharmacy and etc.

    Also, considering the temperature in AZ, do you run the AC pretty much 24/7? How much in electric bill should we expect for a place that’s about 700-1000 sq ft if we used the AC moderately (we can tolerate house temperature up to 80 actually; our current location has somewhat constant breeze and we use the tower fan more than the AC actually).

    Any help/guidance you can give is greatly appreciated. Thank you very much!

    1. TL -*

      Not from Phoenix but I grew up in a hot place and you’re going to be running the AC (swamp cooler? Not sure what Phoenix has as the norm) pretty much whenever you’re home, especially if you’re not on the first floor. The second floor of my parents’ house rarely drops below 95 between May and September if they don’t turn the upstairs A/C on. My first floor apartment in Austin had a huge shade tree at the window and that kept the temp at 82-85 (during morning and evening hours) with a fan on and Austin is a little cooler than Phoenix.

      My parents kept the AC at 80 and ceiling fans on growing up and it was a comfortable temperature and kept the electricity bills reasonable. But if we were home in the summer and much of spring and fall, the AC was on.

    2. RemingtonTypeType*

      Hi there. I’m sure someone from Phoenix will chime in with housing details, but I live in Scottsdale and wanted to comment on the weather.

      Yes, it’s as hot as people say. Yes, the air runs 24/7 in the summer (May/June – October/November). Some people do a thing called supercooling, but it didn’t work for us. We have a home, and our power bill is about $600-$700 a month in the summer. APS and SRP are the two power companies by me, but SRP has better rates in my experience. You don’t get to choose. Winters are lovely and sometimes you even need to turn on the heat! Your AC usage really depends on the direction of your windows and how shaded your walls are. It’s crazy.

      The internet here is awful. There are no good choices. If you have any more questions ask away!

    3. JustDesserts*

      When I left Phoenix 10 years ago, there was little to no public transportation. Hopefully it has improved by now.

    4. Book Lover*

      We pay about 600-700 a month for electricity in the summer for an over 4000 square foot house. In a 2500 square foot house I was in the 350 range. A decently made home with newer windows and so on makes a difference. No-one I know uses swamp cooling – we did it for a few days when the a/c went out and if it happens again we’ll move to a hotel until it is fixed.

      A/c goes on in march and goes off in October/November. We don’t adjust during the day but there is usually someone in the house and always a cat. I am sure in a small place you could use a smart thermostat and switch off after leaving and on an hour before you return but when it hits 118 it takes an hour for every few degrees so it isn’t realistic for us.

      No idea about apartment buildings in Phoenix – people I know in Phoenix live in houses and patio houses. It is a pretty spread out city, not super walkable, but take this with a grain of salt as I have mainly been in north Phoenix. You may be able to find some online forums that give you more info but what you really need is a realtor that focuses on the Phoenix area.
      Public transportation sucks. There is the light rail but it isn’t extensive. You need a car or to expect to use Uber/Lyft everywhere. (If anyone lives in the area and disagrees speak up, but that is my experience)

      1. TL -*

        And on walkability – walking in a hot summer isn’t just like walking in a cold winter but opposite. My guess is you’re going to find your reasonable walking distance shrinks by a fair bit on top of the generally spread out nature of Phoenix.
        In winter, you can layer and warm up as you move. In summer, there is only so much you can take off and you’re still warming up as you move. You can adjust – I used to run long distance in 100 degree heat regularly – but it takes a long time and dry heat makes it really easy to dehydrate without realizing it.

      2. Phoenix, AZ*

        I wondered about the light rail. Many listings stated being close the light rail like it was a huge selling point. Thank you for a heads-up!

    5. Ranon*

      Not familiar with Phoenix, but when I’ve moved and looked for neighborhoods like the one you want, Walkscore has been super helpful, it heat maps which areas of a city have easy access to that stuff

      1. Ranon*

        Oh, and since you’re looking to be in a big building, look for a north facing unit at least one floor down from the top- the upper unit will shade your “roof” and north/northeast exposure will really help with solar heat gain. South exposure will dump heat on your unit and West exposure adds heat in the afternoon which just feels like insult on top of injury.

    6. Ranon*

      For everyone spending $600-700 a month on cooling- it’s probably worth a chat with the nice people that want to air seal your house, fill it with insulation (and put a cool roof on top of it when you’re due to re-roof). Payback for efficiency improvements is usually about twice as fast as solar panels if not faster and it makes your house a whole lot more comfortable to live in. Heat pumps have also gotten a whole lot more efficient, if yours is more than 10 years old it’s worth a chat with the AC guy about the most efficient units they have available, the extra cost for high efficiency also pays back pretty fast (certainly faster than the 10 years you’ll keep the unit)

      1. TL -*

        My grandma’s house is maybe 1/2 the size of my parents’ downstairs (the upstairs isn’t used anymore) and 1/4 the electricity to keep more than 20 degrees cooler. They’re next door, too – my grandma’s house was built for serious energy efficiency 40+ years after my parents’ was. And my parents’ house is designed to keep cool – dark, shaded, open floor plan.

    7. MoreCheesePlease*

      It’s been a few years since I’ve lived in the Phoenix Metro Area but I think it’s going to be very hard to find what you’re looking for. You may still find an area that you like, but I would strongly consider renting for 6-12 months while you figure it out since it’s such a sprawling city. (Rent is cheap though!)

      There is a lightrail that goes to the airport/Tempe/downtown so if you live right next to that you will have some public transportation options. I would check out the downtown area near all the museums/hotels/symphony hall which will be fairly walk-able, lots of restaurants but probably no grocery stores. Another option might be the downtown Scottsdale area which has a nice walk-able area but again, no grocery stores and no transportation. I lived in one of the suburbs and chose an apartment complex next door to a suburban shopping area with a grocery store and a CVS….it was a 5 min walk but that was all you could get to and it was WAY too hot to walk the 1 mile to the next shopping area that had a restaurant I liked.

      All that being said – even though I am also a city person I liked living in Phoenix more than expected! You will probably have to adjust your expectations of it being a ‘city’ since it’s just a huge sprawl with nicer suburban areas and less nice suburban areas and a few pockets of ‘tourist’ spots where you have lots of restaurants and hotels squished together.

      1. Phoenix, AZ*

        I was browsing through CL for PHX area apartments (in case we want to rent for a few months before buying) and came across a few apartment ads where the ad listers were providing services for finding an apartment you want.

        Is this service legitimate and not a scam? I’ve never heard of a personal apartment finder.

        Thank you.

        1. Steve*

          I have heard of the service mostly in the context of people moving for work, where the company would pay for moving expenses.

    8. Zona the Great*

      Live and work in central PHX. You’ll want the Roosevelt district in Central PHX which is amazing. Also near McDowell and Central Ave. transit is not ideal but it is improving. These areas would get access to light rail.

      I have this city to be so easy to get my come-up in. You’ll survive summer as long as you move in winter.

      1. Phoenix, AZ*

        This info great. Thank you for being specific with the names. In case we want to rent before buying, are there good apartments as well in that area? Any building names you can point out – which ones to check out & avoid?

        Thank you.

        1. Zona the Great*

          Yes great apartments and also craftsman homes. Rental market is almost identical to buying; we pay almost the exact same now as when we were renting. Nothing specific comes to mind as far as names of places. Look near the downtown ASU campus (not Tempe) for a safer place for walking at night. But know that homelessness in Phoenix is pretty rampant. Hard to witness.

          FYI-downtown Tempe (main ASU area) is very hip and urban with rail connection to central PHX. You might just take a look. It’s not suburban like what you’re thinking although I do live in typical suburban Tempe now.

    9. BooBoo Baggins*

      The Niche website is helpful when scoping out neighborhoods in new cities (or even your own). It provides ratings and reviews on a number of metrics. You can also search school districts or schools, if that is useful, too.

    10. bleh*

      I live in central Phx in a condo on the light rail line (we love the light rail). Try Roosevelt neighborhood or midtown. Prices are a little higher than what you name – closer to 300,000, but sometimes you get lucky, especially in the mid-rise buildings. One of the things our realtor did was knock on random neighbor doors when showing us a place to ask residents key questions. We steered clear of a bad building that way. We keep our electric bills between 100 – 140 in the summer by using various tactics. It really depends upon sun exposure, etc. Good luck with the move!

      1. Phoenix, AZ*

        Can you please share the name of the bad building you avoided? I would like to compile a list of buildings to look at as well as to avoid. Thank you.

        1. bleh*

          Bad: Summit at Copper Square – due to residents being stuck w/ bill for pool improperly built 1st time. They may have worked that out, so ask if you look there.

          Nice: Portland on the Park
          Artisan buildings
          Lofts at Filmore

          There are others that I can’t remember, and our priorities might vary.

          1. bleh*

            We never looked at Orpheum, but it’s right downtown, and I see they have some units for sale.

    11. YouGottaThrowtheWholeJobAway*

      Not a resident but I have tons of family there and have spent a lot of time there in the past 15+ years. PHX is so large and has a lot of transit gaps, especially considering that walking 20+ minutes to a bus line is taking your life in your hands half of the year. The light rail is cool but only covers a very specific internal corridor which is great if you can live/work there, but may be tough if you need to get further out. Uber and Lyft are super cheap there compared to elsewhere so that is nice. *I say this as someone who owns no cars and takes transit everywhere in my city. You can drive 45 minutes and still be in phoenix (or tempe or scottsdale or mesa or wherever that is technically PHX for all intents and purposes). That is how crazy large it is.

      You might want to consider Tempe near the lightrail if you cannot find what you want in your price range in downtown PHX proper. The housing is still more affordable and there will be more amenities for people who out and about because of all the students. Avoid Scottsdale — it is pretty much designed to make sure it’s very hard for any one without a car or a lot of money to be comfortable there and likely too suburban for your needs.

    12. Hibiscus*

      So as a resident, I really think that it depends on your work. There’s no point in being, “oh I don’t want to live in a suburb” if you are going to work in a suburb. The city is so vast that you will be stuck driving to hell and beyond on a daily basis. And as a public transit user–yeah, I can get over to W.25th and Utopia Road, but why the hell would I? If you are pro public transit/low driving as a lifestyle the neighborhood you pick will have a big influence on if you can continue to live that lifestyle.

      The large buildings are all downtown, and a few new 3-4 story apartment complexes in downtown Scottsdale. Most of Phoenix is very suburban, it’s where low density sprawl is a way of life, and cooling multiple stories can be difficult. I live off Thomas in Fake Arcadia (aka Arcadia Lite from realtors). I have not had a car in 10 years, but I live off 2 bus routes that both intersect with light rail, in a neighborhood with all the shopping I need, and I work mostly in Scottsdale. I don’t often leave a 2 mile square area except to work.

  4. Nessun*

    This week has been stupid busy and I’ve dropped it off by inadvertently upsetting a guild mate in my online game. Long story short, I was running an event and didn’t bring her into it because I didn’t realize she wanted to join. She messaged someone else in the group to ask what was going on and then logged off before I could apologize for the misunderstanding. I know its not a huge deal, and I did apologize by ingame mail, but I’m feeling like I failed because it’s only my second week leading- I was only just promoted to an officer role. Guess I’m just feeling like I let down our guild leader…and feeling bad that someone didn’t get what they need from the guild thanks to me.

    1. misspiggy*

      You’ve dealt with the situation well, and you can take action by changing the way you set up games in the future. You could tell your guild leader that if appropriate.

      Once you’ve done that, you’ve honoured your feelings of guilt and you can let it go. A mistake doesn’t mean failure, it means learning.

      1. Gleeze*

        Agree with Miss Piggy. You are a human and you made a mistake. And innocent one at that. You have apologised, there is nothing more you can do. I understand it feels like you have really let down some people but I think you are being too hard on yourself. You just got promoted so you are clearly doing things right. Don’t let one mistake outweigh all the things you are doing well!

        1. Nessun*

          I did tell my guild leader, since I wanted it to be clear that I goofed and I know it. It’s hard to let go, but you’re both right, there’s nothing more I can do except improve process for next time. Letting go of mistakes is hard!! Thank you.

    2. Short Time Lurker Komo*

      You not realizing she wanted to join is partially on her too. It sounds like she didn’t see you asking who wanted to go or even signed up for the event. If she had, and expressed interest and you missed it, she needed to have realized that text scrolls so fast at times, and say it again. As the one that has gotten cranky and stormed off in the past, 100% of the time I personally had something else going on, and this minor straw was the VERY last thing. Not your fault not realizing that, they might not have realized it either.
      If you play World Of Warcraft, the calendar sign up can help a lot in tracking who is interested and I’m told it can send party invites out automatically. There are also addons like oRA3 (which is a raiding frames addon) that have an ability to let people send you a set word (like ‘invite’ with no quotes) and it will automatically invite them to the group/make it a raid when neccessary. That can also help people join… though my friends are smartasses. So be prepared if you go that route to get ‘i n v i t e’ and other shenanigans that won’t work. XD
      You’re doing awesome! I’m sure your guild leader is 100% grateful that you’re stepping up, because that’s SUCH a hard thing to get people to do! Keep on trucking forward, and it will work out!

      1. Nessun*

        Thank you! Not WoW, its GW2, but we do have a website for the guild with all the events listed. It’s true gchat text scrolls fast! I’m going to concentrate on improving my pre-event messaging, and then just focus on the squad members when we start.

    3. AnonEMoose*

      I don’t run a guild. I do help run a local-to-me science fiction convention. One piece of hard-won wisdom I have to offer: Stuff happens. You do the best you can. Sometimes you goof, sometimes you miss stuff, sometimes communication doesn’t happen the way it should.

      And sometimes…people behave badly for reasons that have nothing to do with you. Some of this is on her.

      Try to recognize what’s on you, and where your responsibility ends. You can’t be everything to everyone. And you’ll never please everyone. It’s worth listening to and considering criticism…mostly. One thing I’ve seen on Facebook a lot lately is a meme that says “Don’t take criticism from anyone you wouldn’t take advice from.”

      You’re doing fine. You apologized, you have some ideas for how to try to avoid it happening again. That’s the best you can do. Try to forgive yourself on this kind of thing, or you’ll burn out quickly. Which is easy to say, and difficult to do!

      1. Nessun*

        Thanks – that’s good advice for all occasions. I shall work harder to keep it in mind.

  5. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Writing thread! How’s everyone’s writing going?
    I haven’t done a lot of creative writing this week but I did finish two writing assigments for classes so that’s a good thing.

    1. Lena Clare*

      I’ve been mostly doing journal writing. Fiction stuff is going So. Slowly!
      How do you fit it in when you also work?

      1. Claire*

        Back when I was working a full-time job, I managed to fit in writing sessions early in the morning or on the weekends. I know others who write during their lunch hour. (Though that never worked for me.)

    2. Foreign Octopus*

      I had my confidence dented after a negative review last week, which I mentioned here, but I got some good feedback from you guys about how to deal with that, and so I’m trying to push forward.

      I haven’t got as much writing done this week as I hoped. I try to edit a chapter each week, but I’ve fallen behind because I’ve just started a new course for work, and I’m feeling a little pressured. I’ve been able to sort it out a little today and get my head around it, so I’m hoping I can do a lot of work on it tomorrow.

    3. Claire*

      Last week was all about working out plot notes for the middle section. I got through three chapters’ worth, which I’ll turn into prose…eventually. First I need to pin down the main conflict between four major characters.

    4. Smol Book Wizard*

      Hopping on to join a relevant topic!
      This week and weekend I’m trying to finish a “just for fun” project – me being me, that doesn’t keep it from being angsty, but with a good serving of comfort as well. Hopefully going to get back to the major overhauls of the fantasy novella I wrote a few years back. I have been procrastinating for weeks because I can’t stand the way I wrote this section the first time… or the second time… and am worried about whether third time’s the charm or not, heh.

        1. Smol Book Wizard*

          I’ve discussed it with a few, but they tend to disagree as to what will improve it, unfortunately. Considering that I’m uncertain myself, I’m not sure I’m a good tiebreaker.

          1. Troutwaxer*

            If you are also a science-fiction writer/reader, I would trade beta-reads with you.

            1. Smol Book Wizard*

              Belated thanks for the offer but I think I’ve got enough at the moment – I will keep this in mind, though! Best wishes on your work too :)

  6. Seeking Second Childhood*

    Gardening question for those who know fuschias. I bought a big hanging plant and need to know how cool it can get because our spring nights are still chilly. Like right now… forecast has us going down to 51°F, and I forgot to bring it in and I’m about to pull on shoes to go get it at 2am. Is that necessary? My Google searches with “temperature” keep turning up overwintering info…good to know but not quite yet.

    1. Ginger Sheep*

      This is just an observation, but my neighbours who are keen gardeners have had their fuschias out these last weeks (and definitely don’t bring them in at night), and we’ve been getting under 50°F temperatures every night. So I wouln’t worry too much!

    2. university minion*

      It’ll be fine. They’re much more sensitive to getting too hot. They’re one of the few plants I don’t bother to grow in north Florida – the season is too short before they cook.

    3. SpellingBee*

      What Ginger Sheep and University Minion said – it will be fine even a bit cooler than that, especially if it’s near the house (like hanging in the porch). I used to fill my front porch and breezeway with fuchsias when we lived in the Seattle area, and I really miss them! We live in Georgia now and it gets too hot for them to do really well, unless you have an exceptionally shady spot with only a bit of morning sun, which I don’t. But if anyone needs a recommendation for a fuchsia nursery in Seattle that has an amazing selection and great prices, go to The Earthworks in Covington. They propagate all their own plants and have varieties that are difficult to find anywhere else, and their plants are huge, healthy and gorgeous. Plus they’re exceptionally friendly and helpful.

    4. Grace*

      Don’t know about how young and fragile it is, but… We have a fuschia that has been transferred through several houses and several generations, I think it’s in its 30s now. It’s lived outside, in the ground, that whole time. A quick google says 51F is 10C? That’s more than okay, in my experience. Ours has lived outside through some pretty bad winters, including weeks (months?) at a time under snow. She’s fine.

    5. Homo neanderthalensis*

      Fuchsias are shade-loving plants that can tolerate a fair amount of cold. Here in SF nights can be in the 40’s and we don’t bring our Fuchsia’s in unless we get a surprise frost- rare for our area. Good luck with your flowers- fuchsias are really pretty!

    6. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Thanks everyone — that will be my last middle of the night trip out to bring it in!
      It’s the dangle tender variety so I was worried.

    7. rmw1982*

      I had to google what a fuschia was, but they are lovely. I have an east-facing covered porch that gets 4-5 hours of direct sunlight per day. I live in a townhouse with a common/shared front lawn, so my porch is the only place I can have plants. It can get toasty here during the summer. Mid-80s F are common, and 90s aren’t unheard of. I’m wondering if I could make fuschias grow. Or if not, any other plant varieties you all might recommend for my specific growing conditions?

      2. HeyNonny*

        Fuchsias would be ok on your porch if you don’t get afternoon sun, and keep them watered. Also I’ve learned they don’t like the intense UV of high altitude direct sun AT ALL.

        1. rmw1982*

          Hmmm…I’m at ~6500 feet elevation. And where I live is known for its abundant sunshine (and the associated UV rays).

        2. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Hmm…now I see a problem. Afternoon sun is what we get most of. I may have to put the hanger somewhere other than the front walkway… and the back just gets hot so some thought is needed!

      3. Food Sherpa*

        I live in So Cal- similar climate. The climate has definitely changed as we had oodles of fuschias in Anaheim when I was a kid. I’ve not been able to keep my fuschias from toasting on hot days so I gave up growing my favorite flower a few years ago. If you are worried about overnight temps drape burlap over the plant at night, uncovering during the day. That will keep them warm enough until it gets below freezing. It wasn’t the cold nights it was the hot days that killed them for me. If you keep them out of direct sunlight and in a cool spot they might get through the summer. Make sure you check on them daily, they will probably need water frequently when it is hot. Older, more established plants will have a better chance of surviving extreme temperatures.

    8. Windchime*

      It should be fine. It’s getting down in the low 50’s here at night (Seattle area) and my little baby fuschia starts are doing fine on the back patio. I’m going to plant them in a pot today and move them to the front porch, which faces north but does get a little bit of evening sun. As someone else said, fuschias can tolerate cool weather better than hot; I used to live in a hot climate and they would do OK till about mid July and then no amount of water or shade could keep them alive. Here in Seattle, though, they do great all summer long. One thing I’ve learned about them is you can’t let them ever get dry; they really don’t recover well from wilting.

  7. Another Manic Monday*

    I am trying to figure out a way to moderate my behavior without relying on somebody else to do it for me. I have this compulsion on going “all in” on everything I do in life or I feel it’ss not worth doing at all. Unfortunately, I am currently drawing a blank on what strategy to use. Any ideas?

    I decided to get a dog from rescue. A year later I had four dogs of the same breed (different color schemes).
    I decided to get a budgie (parakeet). Six months later I had 26 budgies (different color schemes)
    I decided to get a bicycle. Two weeks later I had spent $7000 on three bicycles and a ton of accessories.
    I would like to get a new car. The base model of the car I want starts around $22k, but I have this irresistable urge of getting the fully loaded top model for $38k.

    I think you get the picture. I have this compulsion of wanting everything “complete” or “perfect” and I can’t settle for “good enough” even when it’s the obvious rational choice.

    1. Gingerblue*

      Oh god, I know that urge. I’ve never had the money or space to go all in like that, but the thought process you describe is very familiar, especially the bit about colors. (I currently have a couple dozen tabs open on my ipad because I decided to get a new throw pillow for the bed and now have about fifteen potential bedroom color schemes planned.) Some things that work to keep me in check:

      1) Wait before buying anything. Am I still thinking about it a week later? Can I even remember what all the sheet patterns I was obsessing over in the store and unable to decide between were? A lot of the time this takes care of it. It works better for things you’re not shopping for online because you can’t keep opening the browser to brood over the question.

      2) A lot of the time I think I do this because I obsess over having to CHOOSE between OPTIONS which is HARD, AUUGH, and I wind up walking away having logic-ed myself into choosing something that’s not actually my preference. Then I’m unsatisfied, which means I go back to thinking about a second whatever-it-was, and the cycle repeats. I’ve been challenging myself to make snap judgments instead–look at, say, the sheet patterns in the store, and immediately answer which one I like best, and then just go with it instead of staring at them all for 30 minutes. I find I wind up at least as happy as I would otherwise this way.

      3) Paring down the options on something like a new car or computer is the hard one, and I definitely feel the urge to add everything. What if I don’t and I regret it, and then I’m stuck with the regret for years? All I can say is that I’ve generally been happy buying something at the top end of my budget and then waiting longer to replace it than I might if I bought a cheaper version, and that once I actually make the purchase, I stop worrying about it. Everything seems more fraught while you still have to make decisions, but if you get something that’s good enough for your needs, you’ll probably be happy once you have it.

      4) Giving yourself a harmless outlet in which to go wild can help to bleed off some of the urge. Is there something inexpensive or free that you can take pleasure in amassing a dragon’s-worth of? For me it’s things like library books, computer wallpapers, free mods for computer games I’m playing, yarn, recipes, Pinterest pins, etc. I just came home from the store with a ridiculous number of scrapbooking papers, but they were $0.50 each and will get used up, so whatever. Obsessively-curated bookmarks for more cucumber salad recipes than I will ever make? WHY NOT.

      5) I actively avoid temptation. I know I’m a completist, which is why I have very deliberately never gotten into collecting things, and I’ve trained myself to ignore, e.g., completion trophies in games. I have hit the point where I really do have a somewhat ridiculous amount of yarn, and am avoiding buying more by simply not looking at the online stores I usually buy from. Out of sight, out of mind works for me. Usually.

      6) I’ve been trying to concentrate on actually using things I’ve acquired–reading books or playing games I’ve already bought, putting in more time on the exercise equipment I have, etc., instead of looking for new things. Results are mixed, because, say, browsing books on Amazon over lunch is often a crutch for the fact that I’m too busy/stressed to actually read as much as I’d like. But that’s information, too. I’ve gotten into using a bullet journal this year, and logging things like what I’m reading can redirect my attention back to doing things I mean to instead of planning more things to do. Is looking at bicycle accessories a sign you don’t actually get to bicycle as much as you’d like, and can you shift something else to fix that? Would getting really into training your dog or committing to an intensive play or walk schedule help tamp down the urge for more dogs?

      So that’s my longwinded “yeah, me too” answer. If you haven’t taken up knitting, I strongly suggest you don’t! So. Many. Fluffy. Colors.

      1. valentine*

        Two weeks later I had spent $7000
        This massive red flag tells me therapy is the place to start. The compulsion to max out is filling some need you have and you may need a pro to talk that out with.

        Also key is what makes you say “when” and what happens to everything, especially the animals, when you’re done. Do you still have them or do you reset the playing board? Did you sell the bike stuff?

        1. Another Manic Monday*

          I have no real problem getting rid of “stuff” once I get tired of them (except for a few family heirlooms).

          Last year, I ended up having to get a complete new wardrobe because I had gotten tired of my old clothes and donated all of them to Goodwill. Of course, I got a little overboard there too. For work, I got ten dress pants (six different colors), 20 dress shirts (different colors), six blazers (different colors) and 15 ties.

          When I moved to my new apartment, I left my perfectly fine bedroom furniture with a family member so I could get a complete new set that was “bigger and better” than what I already had.

          I got rid of the birds because the upkeep became too overwhelming for me in the end. I left three of the dogs with my daughter and her mom on the other side of the country and the fourth dog with a friend and her dogs near me so I could visit him on a regular basis.

          You can say that I reset the playing board every 4 or 5 years and start from scratch every time.

          1. fposte*

            How does that work for you financially? Are you free of credit card debt, and are you saving a regular percentage for retirement every paycheck? Do you have a budget projected for your spending for each month and year? How long will it take you to buy the car if you save up to buy it rather than taking a loan, and do you want the extras enough to wait longer to get the car?

            I’m with others in thinking that this is a level of impulse control issue that suggests therapy, but it’s possible that finances could be a way to help shore up limits in what can feel like an elastic situation. I realize that when you have 23 budgies the 24th probably didn’t make much difference, but if you start with a budget of $x per year for pets and pet care, that might give you a bit of a speedbump a couple of budgies in.

            1. Another Manic Monday*

              I’m financially okay. I have two sources of income giving me $7k a month (military retirement and current government job) and I save at least 15% toward retirement (currently sitting around $130k). I have no credit card debts and my only debt is a $140k mortgage on a $180k home. I did, however, start the year with a $25k in liquid assets. It’s now at $10k after spending money on bicycles and a new bedroom set. I want to bring it up to $15k before buying anything big in the future.

              I have problematic habits, but at least I got my finances under control.

              1. Dan*

                I don’t know how old you are, where you live, or whether you are working with a financial advisor, but your fiances may not be in as good of a shape as you think they are.

                I make more than you and have more in retirements than you, but I also live in an HCOL area (there’s no way in hell I’m getting a mortgage as cheap as yours, so some things aren’t a direct comparison between us) and I can tell you that if I spent $7k “just because” and I knew it was associated with some lack of impulse control, I couldn’t write that off as “I’m fine.”

                Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying you’re in dire straights or anything, but you did blow through a ton of liquid cash in a short period of time. But I’d rethink things if you think your impulses don’t negatively affect your finances.

                1. fposte*

                  Though financial advisors can be a great way to bleed money needlessly on their own. If you go to one, OP, stay away from the double-named stripmall storefront chains; look for somebody who does fee-only planning rather than fee-based or assets under management.

                2. MindoverMoneyChick*

                  I second, third, and, fourth fposte’s reply. Fee only planners are the way to go. I will also say a military pension and a job does tend to make up for a multitude of spending sins. But when you retire for real you could wind up with problems if you don’t get these habits under control.

                3. Dan*

                  @Mindovermoneychick

                  Yes, having a job and a pension gives one money to spend, but no matter what one’s income level, it’s entirely possible — and perhaps easy — to spend more money than one earns.

              2. Engineer Girl*

                I ended up having to get a complete new wardrobe because I had gotten tired of my old clothes

                No, you did not have to get new clothes because you were bored with the old ones. You chose it. Just like you chose to buy a new bedroom set when you had a lot perfectly fine old one.

                I don’t think you have your finances under control at all!

                You’re spending more than you make. Your savings are tiny and depleting. You need 3-6 months living expenses in your savings.

                The only reason you’ve done OK is because you have two incomes. If you lose you’re job what then?

                With the income you have your should have a paid off mortgage and at least 1/2 a million net worth by the time you’re 40.

                By the time you’re 60 you should have at least 1 million net worth.

                You are not financially OK. No, no, no.

                At a minimum you may want to “read total money makeover”. You clearly need a budget to keep your spending in check. And I agree with others that there’s some underlying issue here.

                1. Christy*

                  I think your level of “should” net worth is a little extreme, but I totally agree with you that these are choices.

                2. Engineer Girl*

                  I’m in the SF Bay Area. The key is 4% of your total savings generating the income for the year when retired. Inflation averages 3% a year and can really start to eat up pension/savings in old age. Health care costs are also a larger factor.
                  You can’t start over at that point.

                3. Another Manic Monday*

                  If I somehow lost my current government job (very unlikely) then I would be able to survive on my military retirement pension alone. I would probably have to tighten my belt and relocate to somewhere cheaper, but I will always have food, shelter, healthcare, and the basic necessities in life.

                  If I stay on track and retire from my current government job at 65, I will three sources of monthly income (Military Retirement Pension + Federal Civilian Retirement Pension + Retirement Savings) and I think that I will do okay on that. Probably not an upper middle class lifestyle, but it would be adequate for my needs.

      2. Forestdweller*

        I have nothing productive to add, but I identify with this so strongly and really appreciate your insights

      3. Another Manic Monday*

        Thank you for your “yeah, me too” answer. It was greatly appreciated.

        I do feel like I would regret settling for anything but perfect. I currently drive a 15-year old car and any needed repair would cost more than the value of the vehicle, so I definitely need a new car to replace it. I can easily afford the base model of the car that I want, but I do not want to settle for second best so I am trying to delay the purchase of a new car as long as possible. I have no need for most of the bells and whistles on the fully loaded top model but my wants is too strong and I know would regret not getting it.

        I have gotten quite the collection of unread books by now. Whenever I am interested in something, I go out and buy most of the important books ever written on the subject. Once I have gotten all the books , I have lost interest in the subject and moved on without reading even a small fraction of the books I purchased.

        A year ago, I decided that I needed to learn Spanish because it would be useful at my work. Instead of just buying their Spanish 101 beginners course for $45 to start off, I spent almost $500 on getting their whole selection of Spanish lessons. I’m still on Lesson 1 of Spanish 101 a year later.

        I have decided that I need to buy three more feather pillows to complete my collection of pillows. I already have nine feather pillows in my bed and I sleep alone. Somehow, I feel that 12 feather pillows will what I need to make things “perfect” and complete my bed.

        Six months ago, I bought the most advanced game console currently on the market and a year subscription to their game service. I haven’t played video games in years, but I still want to have them despite I never end up playing. I have Netflix, Hulu Plus, Sling TV, Amazon Prime TV, and HBO; but I get 99% of my entertainment from YouTube and rarely ever watches those services despite paying for them. I subscribe to a music service so I can have access to tens of millions of songs, but I only listen to one single band and I already own all of their albums.

        I will consider knitting.

        1. Christy*

          They were saying *don’t* consider knitting! It’s really easy, even as someone without these tendencies, to buy more yarn and supplies than you’ll use in a reasonable amount of time.

        2. Dan*

          You’re bleeding cash. I know you say you’re fine (and I responded to a similar post above) but I would suggest doing a consult with a financial advisor to figure out where you’re really at. You’re talking about levels of spending that while they won’t put you in the poor house in the short, will have meaningful impact on your long-term life choices, e.g., when/if you can retire, what level of spending you can support in retirement, etc. Understand what your option space is and plan accordingly.

          Don’t get me wrong. We all have different priorities regarding how we spend money, and mine are going to be different than yours. Me, I have a slightly bigger food budget than some; others don’t care what they eat. I travel overseas once or twice a year, others don’t care for foreign travel at all. The flip side is I drive a 10 year old base model car. Point being, know where you’re spending your money, and make sure that you’re spending money on things at levels that are appropriate for your finances.

        3. Lucette Kensack*

          I think you need to be hearing alarm bells, and you need to get to a therapist ASAP.

          This sounds like a shopping/spending addiction combined with the “all or nothing” impulse you’ve identified. I’m not seeing a lot of examples about going “all in” when it’s not about buying new things (or animals). For example — you didn’t go “all or nothing” on reading your books or completing your Spanish course.

        4. Courageous cat*

          I think this goes above and beyond “wanting things to be perfect”. There’s nothing about buying more of the same exact thing that really brings you any closer to perfection – it more just brings you closer to hoarding tendencies. I would absolutely start with therapy.

        5. UKCoffeeLover*

          Apologies if this sounds rude, but you seem a pretty open person and have asked for the opinions of strangers!
          Everything you have mentioned revolves around you, new car, new clothes, bikes, Spanish lessons etc. I strongly get the feeling that you need to find a way of losing your self absorption and start doing things that help other people. Maybe you could start by finding somewhere to volunteer. A homeless shelter would be good to show you how many other people live, or find an organisation that offers help to older people, mowing their lawns, fixing stuff in their house, or just chatting to them. Anything as long as it benefits others and involves you giving to them in some way (not by donating money though, that does not count).
          Studies have shown that doing things for others is the best way to improve personal self esteem, and maybe this could help good for you too (I’ve no idea if you need to improve your self esteem, but helping others benefits in so many ways).
          Again, my apologies if this post is too presumptuous, but it is written with good wishes and good intentions.
          Imagine if you could avoid the cost of therapy (and only the best therapy would do for you ;) ) simply by changing your focus!
          Whatever you do, I hope you find contentment. Good luck.

      4. LJay*

        Out of sight-out-of mind helps me a lot.

        I’ve purposely unsubscribed from subreddits for things because, like, if I’m subscribed to r/fountainpens and I see a cool fountain pen somebody else purchased, I want that fountain pen, too. And then when I’m looking for a place to buy that fountain pen, maybe I see another one I want and put that in the basket as well. And then I’m on my way to getting myself in trouble.

        If I’m not subscribed to it, I don’t see the cool fountain pens. And I don’t buy them. And am happy with the couple of fountain pens I have that I don’t really use often enough to justify buying more.

        I had similar patterns with makeup, and snakes, and cameras, and other stuff.

        I also avoid getting into things that are only available for a limited time, because the idea of scarcity drives a lot of what I buy I think, and if I’m into something that I might actually not ever be able to buy again if I don’t buy it today, that’s going to be a big issue.

        And for some things, I try to focus my mind on quality versus quantity. One I’ve succeeded on is cast iron pans. Like, I don’t have room for a billion pans. Or even 10 pans. So I have the couple I brought originally that I use on a regular basis. And now I scour thrift stores looking for ones that are high value to me. Really old, rare, interesting in some way. I don’t have room for a dozen Lodge, or even common Griswold or Wagner pans, so I don’t buy any of them so I can buy the interesting pieces when they do come up.

        Also, for me, I have compulsive spending issues that I believe are tied to the impulsive part of my ADHD. When I get it into my head that I “need” something, I need it right then and not getting it feels like it is interfering with me doing other things. And so I would buy it even if I knew I didn’t really need it, if I knew that it was going to put me in a spot where I couldn’t pay my rent, etc. Then by the time I brought it and actually got it in the mail I was over it. Medication helped with that a lot.

        Another thing I’ve struggled with is the idea that getting this one perfect thing would solve all my problems (or that not having it is the cause of all my problems). That if I find the perfect notebook and fountain pen combo that I’ll be organized and actually use my bullet journal and be organized and have a great life. The idea that I can’t work out right now because I forgot to bring my sports bra and shorts on this trip and that I need to go out and buy those clothes right now so I can work out (when really I could have done some sort of activity that didn’t involve those clothes, and after I brought them I didn’t work out anyway because I am lazy). If I had a bicycle I could ride it everywhere and be in much better shape than I am (it’s too hot to ride a bike most days here, there aren’t safe roads to ride it on to most places I would want to be, and, again, I’m lazy).

        Combating that I have to really examine my beliefs behind and the value I am ascribing to the thing. Can I use this notebook and pen I already have to do my bullet journaling? Then the problem isn’t that I don’t have the tools. Is buying this one pen going to really make me change my habits? Probably not. It kind of goes with common advice from people in photography that are trying to combat what they call “gear acquisition syndrome”. “Use what you have now. Once you push it to the limits and can articulate why you need something better, then upgrade. If you’re coming to us asking, ‘what lens should I buy next’ and you can’t tell us what your lens doesn’t do now that you need it to, you don’t need to buy that new lens”.

    2. misspiggy*

      I think I agree with Valentine that talking this through with someone, ideally a qualified therapist, is the way to go. It seems like some big desires or fears are driving this. It’s interesting that ‘complete’ or ‘perfect’ seem such important ideas that they overcome big practical considerations like money and space.

      Just as an example, I’d say I feel some anxiety all the time due to unfilfilled perfectionism (which of course must always be unfulfilled, but whoo there are definitely improvements to be made around here). I think my fears of losing financial independence and a sense of ‘freedom’ are stronger, so in most cases the perfectionism just grumbles away in the background.)

      It’s also interesting that you go for big things to collect in different colours etc. (living creatures, vehicles). Would smaller collections not cut it? Or is it that you start with wants which are quite easy to justify as sensible life projects (a pet for companionship, a vehicle for independence), and the collecting urge takes over? Or that the sensible life project was a cover story for a collection project?

    3. Almonds*

      What did you do with all animals you acquired? Four dogs I can just about imagine, but 26 budgies? Yikes!

      1. WS*

        I don’t know Another Manic Monday’s situation, but my neighbour has 130 budgies in a big outdoor aviary – each budgie doesn’t take up much space! He takes them in to smaller hutches for breeding or if they need medical care, but most of the time they fly around happily in their aviary.

      2. Another Manic Monday*

        There’s only one dog left and she lives with a family member. Two of the dogs died of old age earlier this year and the third one I had to put to sleep after she got a terminal illness a few years ago.

        I got completely overwhelmed by taking care of the birds. I had four large cages in my living room and I spent about two hours a day taking care of them. I was going “all in” and was feeding them three kinds of high-quality bird food plus fresh veggies everyday. It was very time consuming and I was on my own so there was no “day off” for me. I ended up taking all the birds to the local animal shelter and trashed my bird cages and equipment (I spent thousands and a lot of time putting them together just right). I had reached a point where I just couldn’t take care of them anymore and stay somewhat sane.

        1. Ethyl*

          I guess this answers my questions down below. If you are a) unable to control the initial compulsion to acquire, and b) it leads to your life being impacted in that way, it sounds like it’s definitely time to talk to a therapist. Based on my experiences in therapy, you may need to try a few before you find one you really click with. And someone who can help you with something like CBT to learn techniques for dealing with your feelings in the moment may not be the right person to dig into other issues, for example. Captain Awkward has resources for how to find mental health care and what to expect from a visit with a therapist.

          1. Another Manic Monday*

            I am not happy about it, but I had become completely overwhelmed of taking care of them. I tried for two months to get a local bird rescue group to take them, but they didn’t have the resources to take them at the time. I wish that I could have kept them or find them a good home, but I just couldn’t do it anymore. It was too much for me.

            1. Another Manic Monday*

              I was also moving back to be with family on the other side of the country. They were okay with dogs, but they wouldn’t accept any birds (too messy). I was basically running out time as I wouldn’t be able to take 26 birds and a bunch of dogs across the country in one single car.

              1. LaurenB*

                People with 26 birds and a bunch of dogs are often called hoarders. If you are as financially stable as you suggest, why did you need to move back in with family members elsewhere? (The fact that you said “they were ok with dogs but not birds” makes me think you were moving in with them. If you were just moving to be close to them, you wouldn’t have said that.)

                1. Another Manic Monday*

                  I was retiring from the military and was unable to quickly get a job where I was living. I couldn’t afford to stay in the area without a job so I had to move back home to my spouse and daughter. We split up seven years ago, but still legally married for financial reasons. I am paying the mortgage on the house and it was my home as much as theirs.

            1. Another Manic Monday*

              Eh, I delivered them in three separate deliveries (8-10 birds each time) with brand new flight cages (that fit in my car) about ten days apart. It’s a large city shelter that takes in 5000+ cats and dogs each year. Pets birds get picked up by adopters within a day or two. What should I have done instead?

              1. Ask a Manager* Post author

                I do think you need to resolve not to adopt more animals in the future, at least not until you’ve worked with a therapist and gotten this resolved. It’s not fair to the animals, or the people who need to step in afterwards.

                1. Another Manic Monday*

                  I haven’t adopted or bought a single animal since 2015.

                  It wouldn’t have been fair to the animals for me to keep them. I was at a point in my life where I couldn’t take care of myself anymore even less taking care of other living creatures.

              2. Washi*

                Reading through these, I’m just a little…confused…by your attitude towards discarding animals. Are you really as un-regretful about that as you seem? When you found yourself spending 2 hours/day caring for the birds, did that send up a red flag to you about your decision-making, or were you just like “eh, I’ll take them to a shelter when it gets too much”?

                It just seems like a lot of the things that would be a wakeup call for serious therapy/other interventions have already happened, and you seem just very casual about it all.

                1. Another Manic Monday*

                  I went through a very dark period in my life in 2014-2016. I was involuntary hospitalized at for a week for suicidal ideations. I was taken to the hospitals in an ambulance twice in a year, once for a severe panic attack in public and second time for OD on Paxil and alcohol in an misguided attempt to lower my out-of-control anxiety levels. I would walk around for hours in circles inside my shower because I couldn’t stop the overwhelming anxiety that had taken over. There was periods where I would not eat or drink for days because I couldn’t be bothered getting up from the coach. I would see a therapist once a week for almost two year and a psychiatrist once a month. In the end, my employer (US Army) forced me into early medical retirement with 100% disability rating due Major Depressive Disorder and severe Anxiety. I would spend the next six months after leaving the military mostly in my bed and only leaving the house for my weekly check-ins with a therapist. I was only able to snap out of it when I got a surprise job offer that I immediately accepted. Getting that job literally saved my life as I had given up. I’m doing mostly okay now, but I do take both anti-depressant and anxiety medication twice a day.

                  I had to give up the birds because I couldn’t take care of myself anymore.

                2. Ethyl*

                  Another Manic Monday, since you’ve started your new job, are you still regularly seeing your therapist? And have you shared about your compulsions to over-spend and “collect” with whoever is prescribing your meds? Something isn’t working right here, and I’m really concerned about the behavior you’ve described surrounding acquiring things.

                  Also, I feel like it can be easy to feel like “hey I’m all better now, I have a job and money and stuff” especially after such a difficult time, but, well, you may not be “all better.” There’s still underlying stuff, that needs to be addressed on a continuing basis. The type of mental health crisis you described doesn’t get better because you get a new job, and if you stop working because you think everything’s fine now, you could be setting yourself up for another crisis. It’s kinda like when folks take their meds and are like “I feel great, I don’t need my meds anymore” except the meds are what make ya feel great, if that analogy makes sense.

                3. Courageous cat*

                  AMM, that’s a long response with no real answer, just deflection and derailing – it still doesn’t answer “are you regretful about it”. We know you couldn’t take care of them, no one could in that position! That’s the point.

                4. Confused*

                  Yes, this is truly horrible. Clearly AMM is working through some mental issues and their cavalier attitude may be chalked up to that, but the other commenters? These are sentient beings, not a hobby that AMM started and then ignored. What AMM is animal cruelty and hoarding in most jurisdictions and is outright illegal.

              3. Thursday Next*

                The compulsive pet acquisition is the clearest signal to me that you need to consult a therapist. Yes, municipal animal shelters will take in pets, but (1) many of them euthanize animals that haven’t been adopted; and (2) every animal there takes money and resources from the general pool, leaving less available for others (like strays, rescues from abusive homes, pets whose owners have died or become seriously ill).

                1. Another Manic Monday*

                  This city shelter have a 90% adoption rate for dogs and cats. For budgies it’s 100% within a few days. Their cost for re-homing my birds was minimal and covered by my donation. I used the resources available to me and after coming to an agreement with the shelter on when, where, or how.

                  So my prolonged battle with mental illness at that time, which included a week-long in-patient treatment at a mental health facility, does not qualify as a serious illness in your eyes?

                  All my dogs and cats (including two known abuse survivors) have come from city shelters and animal rescues I have never returned a single one of them to a shelter in my whole life.

                2. Thursday Next*

                  @Another Manic Monday, you’ll notice that my comment was posted hours before you noted your illness. I’m sorry for what you’ve been through.

                  But my concern about animal hoarding being a clear signal that you should seek help still stands. And your post about your illness suggests to me that the compulsive acquisition may be part of a larger picture that you need to address with professional help. It’s great that you’ve gotten back on your feet after all the difficulties a few years ago; I think there’s still some distance to travel along that road, and I wish you the best.

                1. Another Manic Monday*

                  I went through the Seven Stages of Grief three years ago. I have made peace with the fact that I had to give my birds up.

                2. Courageous cat*

                  I’m sorry I am all over this thread but I feel like there’s just like an inherent miscommunication in all of this. *No one is sad for you that you had to give the birds up*. They are sad for the birds. You’re responding as though it’s the former, but it’s the latter.

              5. Lucette Kensack*

                Also, since you seem to comfortable with your financial situation, I’d encourage you to make a (large) donation to the shelter(s) that took in the budgies. That was expensive help they gave you and your birds.

                2. Another Manic Monday*

                  I gave them a donation to cover their expenses at the time. I doubt their cost was very high as they pretty much just put the cages in their bird room. The bird was all gone within days.

              6. Courageous cat*

                I think it’s more that you seem to be glossing over the fact that your behavior puts animals in bad positions that they wouldn’t have been in had you not bought them. It’s definitely worth reflecting why this was behavior that harms not only you, but others, and maybe realizing that that’s something to feel sorry enough about to never do again.

                1. Another Manic Monday*

                  In what way where they in a worse situation? Are you implying that being in the city animal shelter’s birds and Small critters room are somehow worse than being in a cage at Petco or Petsmart? I would be inclined to disagree with that assumption.

    4. Gleeze*

      Definitely agree about going to therapy. Understand you don’t want to rely on someone else to moderate your behaviour but you need to learn the tools from a trained professional so you are able to moderate your own behaviour. I think this is especially important with so many animals involved, your behaviour is effecting other living beings.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Yes, therapy is for when your own coping skills are not up to the task at hand, and you need someone to help you acquire new or better coping tools. The therapist doesn’t moderate you–you aren’t going to call the therapist for permission to buy a new item–they help find and teach you some new ways to moderate yourself.

        I think this is not a ‘helpful life hacks from internet folk’ level problem.

      2. Ada*

        I’d also agree with therapy. Not a doctor, but compulsions like that sound like they may be related to OCD/hoarding or something similar. And even if they’re not, you may benefit from the tools a therapist would have for people dealing with those kinds of disorders.

    5. Quandong*

      I think you would benefit from professional help to overcome these compulsions with a therapist. You may have a few things going on that culminate in compulsive collecting, getting obsessively focussed on new items or experiences, and inability to moderate your impulses or reach a state of satiation.

      Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) is one approach which deals with black-and-white thinking patterns, and many therapists are familiar with it. You may like to read about it as you decide how to address a problem that affects not only you but animals and possibly a partner if you have one.

      Good luck with this.

    6. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Not going to diagnose you on the internet but a friend of mine who had her first manic episode (and now has her bipolar under control but it was a rough couple years) in grad school it manifested similarly… grand plans, spending money, high energy, fast speech. So if this is a newish thing for you, talking to your doc may help.

      If that doesn’t ring a bell at all, I still recommend therapy like Valentine and everyone.

      3. Another Manic Monday*

        I don’t have any of the manic episodes that comes with bipolar.

        I do, however, have a professional diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder, General Anxiety Disorder, and Major Depressive Disorder.

        1. Ethyl*

          Have you been honest with your therapists about your spending/acquiring habits? Because what you’ve described above could fall into the “manic” category. Manic episodes often don’t look like people think they do based on TV and movies (I mean does ANYthing mental-health related look like it does on TV?).

        2. mreasy*

          I have bipolar 2 with spending issues and self-control issues in hypomanic stages. If you haven’t discussed these behaviors with your psychiatrist yet, I recommend doing so.

        3. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

          Yeah the concern of course is if these compulsions you have are a type of mania, then medications you may be on for depression can make them worse. None of us can diagnose you in this forum, but if you haven’t laid out what you describe here (intense spending, brief bouts of interest in subjects, grandiose plans) with whoever prescribes your meds (if you take meds), then you could be inadvertently being made worse.

        4. Anonymous Velociraptor*

          So it might be worth talking to your Psych about Bipolar 2. I had a diagnosis of General Anxiety Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder and it turned out that what I actually had was Bipolar 2. What I had assumed were periods where I was “normal” were actually periods of hypomania (I honestly thought that it was normal for people to make compulsive plans to Learn All The Things, spring clean like there’s no tomorrow, make big plans for the future, and spend money I didn’t really have on things I didn’t really need) and my inevitable swings down into severe depression were just my descent back into regular depression.

          I’m properly medicated now and it’s shocking how much more even keeled my life is.

          Regardless, I’m going to chime in with the people advising you to seek out a therapist who has worked with OCD or hoarding patients. It seems like it might be smart to find a professional to help you build coping mechanisms rather than well meaning but ultimately not qualified strangers online.

        5. Dawbs*

          ASD comes with sometimes problematic executive function issues.

          I’m not trying to harp or dogpile, but what have you done/are you doing to deal with that? Because it’s not just the decision to buy to many (20+!) birds or whatever-those are symptoms; dollars to doughnuts there are others.

          Those issues aren’t solved by the AAM commentators, regardless of how great the comments are; those issues are best addressed by professionals

          1. Observer*

            Those issues aren’t solved by the AAM commentators, regardless of how great the comments are; those issues are best addressed by professionals

            To some extent, I think you could say that that’s a fair summary of what a lot of comments are saying – PLEASE get competent help. Lay everything out (the suggestion to print this thread out as a starting point is excellent.)

      4. Annie Ann*

        Completely agree. The OP reminds me of my sister – the over spending, collections, having higher status things. And she is bipolar.

    7. Book Lover*

      Oh gosh, how are the dogs and budgies doing? Are you enjoying them, were they temporary? Have you been using the bikes regularly or was it a short fling? Do these things result in debt? It sounds like you could really benefit from talking to a therapist and possibly a psychiatrist if this is not continuous but occurs in spurts (manic episodes). I am not online diagnosing! Just some things are great for therapy intervention and some are different ….

      1. Book Lover*

        Sorry, this was in moderation for a bit. I see you already answered about the animals.

        Since you already have several diagnoses, maybe you are already working with a psychiatrist – please be honest about what you describe here, including the animals and degree of spending. And then definitely this is something you can work on with a therapist over time.

        Tone is hard on the internet, but I just wanted to add – unless you want to change and recognize there is a problem, change isn’t going to happen.

    8. Ethyl*

      So after the initial compulsion and spending, how do you deal with and feel about the stuff you acquired? Are you happy with your dogs, and are you giving them the proper care and attention? Same with the budgies. Do you actually ride your bikes, take rides that utilize each bike’s special features? (I’m a cyclist who used to work in a bike shop so 3 bikes and $7K doesn’t seem THAT weird aside from the timeline.) Or did you end up getting tired of everything and rehoming some of your animals or selling your bikes?

      Although……. Even if you wind up living your best life with four dogs and dozens of budgies, riding your mountain bike and road bike and cyclocross bike on different outings every week, you should maybe still talk to someone about the initial compulsion. When we do things we don’t feel like we can control, that’s a good time to check in with a pro. Also, I’ve found, when you keep having the same conversations (with yourself, with your partner, with your best friend, etc), but nothing changes, that’s time to check with a pro.

      Good luck!

      1. Another Manic Monday*

        I was very happy about my dogs and took good care of them. In the end three of them ended up with my daughter and her mom and the third one with a dear friend of mine and her dogs. They were better able to care for them considering my living arrangements at the time. I did, however, continue to pay for their medical and food expenses for the rest of their lives.

        I was taking good care of the budgies too. I basically spoiled them with high-quality bird seed from specialty stores and fresh veggies every day. It made it even harder to continue to care for them because I wasn’t willing to compromise and giving anything less than the best. In the end, I had to give them up because continue to take care of them to my own high standards was completely exhausting and I couldn’t do it anymore.

        I got a Trek FX 3 Disc for my daily work commute, a Trek Checkpoint ALR 5 for weekend rides and to get back in shape, and a Cannondale SuperSix Evo Ultrega as a later reward once I am back in shape. I use the FX 3 daily, the Checkpoint twice a month or so, and the SuperSix haven’t been ridden yet. Yet, I am still tempted to get a Specialized Roubaix Comp and a Canyon Endurace AL 7.0 to complete my collection.

        1. Ethyl*

          Ok so a couple things jump out at me.

          “I was very happy about my dogs and took good care of them. In the end three of them ended up with my daughter and her mom and the third one with a dear friend of mine and her dogs. They were better able to care for them…”

          These two sentences right back to back don’t…….make sense. I’m wondering how clear and honest you are in your mind about what happened with the dogs and the budgies, because you seem really emotionally detached from these living beings you impulsively acquired.

          “Yet, I am still tempted to get a Specialized Roubaix Comp and a Canyon Endurace AL 7.0 to complete my collection.”

          So, again, as a cyclist who worked at a bike shop with multiple multi-thousand dollar bikes, this also doesn’t make sense. The bikes I and my coworkers have tend to be bikes of different types, not many of the same thing, which is what you have going on here (although I understand the value of a less pricey road bike for commuting vs weekend rides). So then, it seems the “completeness” of your “collection” is ……illusory? IOW, will if really *feel* complete after you get those bikes? What about when you find out about boutique and custom bike makers? Will you drop $12,000 on multiple identical Waterfords and Ellises?

          Those are rhetorical questions for you to contemplate, but based on your writings here, I strongly, strongly encourage you to seek professional help, be 100% honest with them, and refrain from making purchases or adopting animals (!!!!) until this is under control.

    9. MissDisplaced*

      I’ve been like that with clothing or shoes/ purses but never other things or to that amount if money. Good thing or otherwise I’d have the entire line of Louis Vuittons.

      I do think it is ok to buy the BEST version, or top of the line model of the thing you want, and can afford. But by that, I mean ONE thing! So, if you want a new car, you buy the best option that fits within your budget. If you take that approach, those items do tend to last longer and hold their value.

      But it sounds like that’s not what’s going on with you, you’re buying multiples of the same item, which is sort of manifesting a desire to find perfection. I’ve done this! Mainly because I started w/cheapest and it wasn’t satisfying.

      I think the best way is to impose on yourself a “wait period” before buying anything. Force yourself to fully research items BEFORE buying anything, so you feel confident you’re making the best choice. Then make yourself SAVE the money (cash money) for that one item.

      Forcing yourself to slow down will help the compulsive “I want it now” behavior. But if you’re really struggling, realize this can be an addiction like any other and seek professional help with it.

      1. Ethyl*

        “But it sounds like that’s not what’s going on with you, you’re buying multiples of the same item…”

        Yes, this is exactly what is happening with the bikes (in case anyone doesn’t know what all those names are).

        1. anonincaseiknowyou*

          +1… I’m a fellow cyclist and pet person here. That’s a pretty common Venn Diagram. What you’re doing sets off HUGE neon red flags in my circles. Please consult your mental health practitioner. In fact, I recommend printing out this thread for them, if you have trouble verbalizing what you’ve put on the page here. For what it’s worth, this isn’t all that unusual. Please get a handle on it before you, another animal or another person ends up scarred.

    10. Pnut*

      I share the recommendations for therapy. The fact that this is a compulsion that crosses categories (animals, technology, clothing, furniture, vehicles, etc.) shows that it’s a core issue rather than a temptation like oh, I can’t resist the new iPhone version. This seems like pretty compulsive behavior to me that will need some external support.

    11. Introverted Manager*

      What would it feel like if the VERY BEST suddenly wasn’t an available and you had to either go with something lesser or not do it at all?

      If you’d rather have nothing than not be perfect, then you’re not really doing it for the joy of the thing. I saw in another response that you’re diagnosed nonneurotypical. Is it possible this is a subconscious attempt at neurotypical / “acceptable” behavior by demonstrating you can identify and obtain a Perfect Complete Set in order to be accepted? (This is very much a wild guess based on my own experience of Having Perfect Accomplishments in a subconscious attempt to be accepted.)

    12. Animal worker*

      Thank you for your awareness and asking for ideas. I concur with the many who suggest therapy assistance so that you can learn to manage this on your own over time, as it sounds right now like you may need to learn those tools.

      And I strongly agree with the others, including Alison, who note that you need to please make a personal commitment to not taking in any more animals, at all, until and unless you gain the tools to control this behavior. Getting things may have some negative impacts on you, your budget, or your life. But getting living, sentient animals that need lifetime commitments is not something that you can do. PLEASE, make a personal commitment to this part while you work through your other options on dealing with this behavior.

      1. Another Manic Monday*

        I think many of you seems to have gotten the wrong impression of my dedication to the animals in my care.

        I did give up the birds to the shelter, but I was unable to care for them anymore and I wasn’t able to rehome them as I wanted. I didn’t make that decision easily but it was something I just had to do.

        I did not really give up on my dogs. That they didn’t live with me 24/7/365 wasn’t the same as they still not being a part of my life. Three of my dogs ended up living with my wife and daughter in our family home. My wife and daughter was equally important to the dogs as I was to them. I wasn’t living there most of the time, but I did pay for most of their expenses and vet bills. The fourth dog ended up living with my best friend and her three dogs because he was a part of their pack and I didn’t want to break them up when she moved 100 miles away. I did visit him once a month for several years.

        When Lucy got IMHA, I was the one who paid $2,000 for her emergency treatment. I was the one who paid for her cremation and urn after the treatment failed.

        When Ivan got diagnosed with an enlarged heart, I was the one who paid for his $150 a month heart medication. When he passed away earlier this year I was the one who paid for his cremation and urn.

        When Sammy died of old age at my best friend’s feet earlier this year. I traveled 100 miles to her home and helped her bury him in the backyard.

        Maggie is still alive and doing well. I will be paying for any larger medical treatment she will need in the future and I will also be paying for her cremation once it’s her time to go.

        I find it rather upsetting that so many people just assume the worse and think that I just abandoned my dogs.

        1. Colette*

          Here’s the thing – you may have financially supported the dogs, but you were also depending on others to do the daily work. You didn’t feed them or take them for walks, make vet appointments, or any of the other day to day care taking. It’s good that you contributed to their care – but you didn’t take care of them in the way a pet owner normally does.

          It sounds like you may have done the best you could under the circumstances, but until you are able to provide a higher level of care long-term, you shouldn’t adopt animals.

          Part of your issues with caring for the animals are probably related to your compulsion to adopt multiple animals in different colours, which means the amount of care required outstrips your ability to provide it.

          I agree with all the comments urging you to go to therapy. What you’re doing now isn’t making you happy – work with a professional to find a way to get there.

        2. Ethyl*

          I don’t think anyone here is assuming that you cruelly abandoned the dogs and birds, but that you acquired them with no real plan to care for them and then rehomed/surrendered them when you couldn’t take care of them. That follows the same pattern as the Spanish lessons and the bikes, but it has more of an impact, and people are responding to it more, because it involves living creatures.

        3. Observer*

          I just want to try to point out something I think you are missing here. You’re not a terrible person because you got overwhelmed and had to give up your pets. What is troubling is that you don’t seem to be taking responsibility for the *choices* and *decisions* that lead to being overwhelmed. You didn’t just “have” 26 budgies and 4 dogs. You took action to acquire those animals. Taking responsibility for your ACTIONS is step one with all of the situations you are describing, but especially so when you are dealing with living, sentient creatures.

          Also, you did this TWICE. The first time, ok, you didn’t realize how this could snowball into something that just is not sustainable. After all, it’s different than a car, furniture and the like. But having done this once, you should have realized that taking animals is a very different, and much more serious, issue with a much higher level of responsibility.

          At this point you know enough about yourself that it really would be irresponsible of you to take on any sort of pet situation. True, your actions with regards to your pets are far, far better than abandonment. But it’s a big enough problem that you should not go into getting pets knowing that something like this is going to happen again. And, it WILL happen again, unless you really manage to get your compulsive behavior under control.

          1. Ethyl*

            “What is troubling is that you don’t seem to be taking responsibility for the *choices* and *decisions* that lead to being overwhelmed.”

            Yes exactly, thank you.

    13. Batgirl*

      So it sounds like the issue is with unplanned accumulation?
      I think I’d probably aim my interests at things where it doesn’t matter how much you accumulate. So for example, collecting online recipes or crocheting techniques. I’d definitely second the Pinterest thing. Collecting pins costs nothing and takes no space. My wedding Pintrest board is overblown, but the real thing is very simple. You’d have to know yourself well though and whether that kind of window shopping is going to be a steam vent or a temptation.

      Or you could aim that perfection at a minimalism project or at budgeting. If you do a pre-budget before buying pets or clothes it can help you to stem impulsiveness.

      So many happy things are intangible, too. How many free activities can you plan this summer? How many random acts of kindness? How many free Kindle books can you read? Maybe the next time you want to hit the stores you should dive into Marie Kondo or consider a capsule wardrobe approach rather than a fill the wardrobe approach. My suggestions are very personality dependant of course but my main point is you can make your mind a palace without spending or accumulating a thing.

    14. Not So NewReader*

      Hmm. What’s missing from your life? What void are you trying to fill? How will you know when that void is full? Or are you running away from something? Buying lots of stuff can be escapism.

      You might want to consider the difference between happiness and contentment.

      Happiness is like someone bringing you a surprise, maybe for your birthday. “OOO, WOW”. Happiness lasts about five minutes.

      Contentment is a deeper feeling. It comes from knowing you are basically okay in this world. Your needs are met and maybe some of your wants are met, also. You know you are safe (as much as can reasonably be expected today) and you know how to get help when you need it. Contentment is not as exciting as happiness, we don’t get a boost in energy level or a “high” or a “kick”. Contentment is pretty mellow, so much so that if we forget to look for contentment, we might not realize we have it. Contentment lasts for quite a while.

      Contentment is not the same as settling. Contentment says, “I’m good here.” Settling says, “There is something better out there but I must learn to live with what I have.”

    15. Ann O.*

      From reading all the replies, you need some form of behavior-based therapy designed to teach people skills to modulate compulsions. If you have a current therapist you see, talk to them for recommendations. Otherwise, I would suggest doing some research on which therapeutic methods are most effective with compulsions (my guess is CBT, but I’m not a therapist). The behavior you describe has all the characteristics of compulsion and standard self-help stuff is unlikely to give you the tools you need. Your behavior reads as related to the compulsive urge behind collecting, but unfortunately in a way that is ultimately harmful to you (and since it crosses so many types of things, I don’t think you could do something like channel it into creating an actual collection of small, relatively inexpensive items like cards or dolls)

      If there is anything your financial institutions do that would delay your ability to impulse spend that could help, but given what you describe, it’s hard to see what that could be. You’re not buying a lot at once where a spending cap could moderate. It sounds like you’re buying over time.

      1. anonagain*

        I don’t think it’s necessary or always possible to figure out what kind of therapy is best ahead of time. That’s part of what a professional is trained to do and they can refer out if needed.

        If the OP doesn’t have a therapist or psychiatrist, their primary care doctor can make a referral or they can get a list from their insurance company. The most important thing is to get started.

    16. Lilysparrow*

      I’m just throwing this out here, but maybe one thing to talk about with your therapist is the idea of life design – looking at the big picture of long-term goals and meaningful accomplishments, and how you want the pattern of your life to look.

      So instead of wanting the “perfect” thing, you are always comparing everything to your ideal day, your ideal home, your “bucket list”, etc. Would your ideal day include spending many many hours caring for a large number of pets? Would your ideal living space be crowded with cages, or smell like animals? Would your bucket list include lots of travel, or lots of different spontaneous activities and projects? And how would the financial or time commitment of the car, or the pets, etc, affect that goal?

      So if you have this big-picture focus, that gives you a framework to help make decisions on these individual collections. Maybe you can work with your therapist on how to make those long-term goals more immediate and compelling? If the big-picture goal is “louder” in your mind than the small-picture desire, it is easier to disengage from the drive to collect or perfect.

      1. Lilysparrow*

        I guess on reflection I’m saying that the only reason anyone ever stops doing something they like, is because they have a reason to stop.

        Obviously, arbitrary lines of “this is enough” are not reasons that work for you. So you need to find reasons that are compelling and memorable enough to override the impulse at a reasonable point, or reasons that are compelling enough to prompt you to check in with your goal list.

      2. LJay*

        Not the OP, but I think this idea will be helpful for me. Thank you for sharing it.

    17. Elizabeth West*

      You need to go talk to someone about this. Strong compulsions that make you overspend and acquire the way you’re describing are alarming to me. The sooner the better. Good luck.

    18. Not A Manager*

      Hi, Another Manic Monday. I know it might seem like people are piling on here. I hope you’re able to hear their concern for you.

      You sound very unhappy, and very anxious. I’m so glad that you had immediate intervention when you had a crisis a few years ago, but it really sounds like not all of the issues have been fully resolved. Now that you’re not in crisis, you have an opportunity to really address these issues in a thoughtful, systemic way.

      You deserve to have a life where you are not putting so much energy and resources into managing your anxiety and other emotions. You deserve to have peace of mind. You deserve to have financial safety. Please don’t talk yourself out of any of these things.

      1. Another Manic Monday*

        I do appreciate many of the comments. Although I find some really hurtful assumptions being made about my emotional attachments to the animals in my life.

        I would lie if I said that I am happy person. I can’t really recall the last time I felt really happy about something. I can recall being content and grateful, but not the sensation of being truly happy for a very long time. I’m still trying to figure out what will make me a happy person. I don’t really even know who I am. I have been wearing masks my whole life.

        I am trying to discover the person behind the mask for the last couple of years. It is so much to unravel before I can let my real personality appear. My whole life I have been suppressing the real me as I was made to believe that my thoughts, feelings, and needs doesn’t matter. Instead I have tried to be the person other people wanted me to be.

        1. Not A Manager*

          I am NOT A THERAPIST. But have you considered that you are self-medicating with some of this intense focus on the buying and collecting? That maybe you are telling yourself that you will FEEL a certain way if only you get all your ducks lined up in a row?

          It’s a lie. You got the bikes, you got the dogs, you got the clothes, but fundamentally all they did was hold your emotions at bay. They didn’t buy you peace, or peace of mind.

          Please find a good therapist. Maybe you need meds, maybe you need talk therapy, but you do not need more stuff.

          I truly wish you all the best. And I truly believe that you can come out to a happier, and more grounded, place.

        2. Weegie*

          I don’t have anything really to add, but I’m sending you lots of good thoughts. You seem to be very thoughtful and self-aware, and to have a good understanding of the issues behind your collecting sprees. It would seem to be something a therapist can best help you to work through, to get to the bottom of it all, so like others I would suggest returning to therapy, even if it takes a while to find the right practitioner and the best approach for you.

          Wishing you all the best with this.

        3. Ethyl*

          “Although I find some really hurtful assumptions being made about my emotional attachments to the animals in my life.”

          Y’know, based on the other stuff you’re saying about masks and not being able to find the “real” you and all that, I bet some of what people are responding to is the way you’re writing about surrendering your pets. There’s a lack of emotion, and a lot of defensiveness and JADE-ing about why what you did wasn’t that bad. I think that’s why people are feeling like you didn’t care much for your animals. Have you run into trouble elsewhere in your life with people’s perceptions of your feelings not lining up with how you think you’re feeling?

          1. Another Manic Monday*

            I realize that I have given a highly condensed version of the events that seems to have given off the wrong impression to many.

            Three of my dogs never left the house I brought them into. I got those dogs while I was still living with my estranged spouse and child in our family home. I was in the military at the time and got a surprise reassignment to other part of the country. My family didn’t want to move because they had already put down roots, so I had to move to my new duty assignment alone. While the dogs were mostly mine, it was decided that it was better of them to stay in the family home than be relocated to an small apartment and be alone for many hours each day.

            The fourth dog I got at my new duty assignment after I moved in with new roommate/landlady who already had two dogs and a nice backyard. He would spend the next year living with her two dogs and bonding with them. My roommate/landlady (and best friend) then had an accident and was forced into early retirement. She sold the house we were living in and move to city 100 miles away. I had to make the decision of keeping my dog with me in an apartment or let him go with her two dogs to their new home. I decided on the later because I thought it would be better for him to stay with the pack.

            About two years later I moved into an apartment that allowed pets. I took over the responsibility of my daughter’s two cats and had them live in my apartment while the dogs stayed in the family home. One of our dogs was a relentless “cat bully” so our cats was constantly hiding from him. So the cats stayed with me in my apartment until my retirement from the military forced me to move back to the family home.

            I started to get the budgies. I had budgies in my bedroom growing up for most of my childhood until one day my parents refused to let me keep them anymore. It probably sound silly but not having those birds anymore left a deep void in the child I was back then. 30 years later I started to get the budgies to replace the birds that was taken from me as a child.

            It was at this time, everything started to unravel in my life. The facade of being calm, collected, and in control was shattered. The dam that was holding up everything cracked and emotions flooding out all over the place. I ended up being forced into early retirement from the military because I wasn’t able to emotionally keep things together anymore.

            I might show a lack of emotions in many of the posts, but that’s just a facade to cover up the whirlwind of emotions underneath. I have spent my whole life perfecting the skill of covering up my real feelings . https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JtwaTKiOm0A

            1. Observer*

              What this boils down to is that you have a problem that’s a lot bigger than you’ve been describing, and you NEED to get it under control. And it’s highly unlikely that you’re going to be able to do this on your own. Sure, being able to do the work you need to, well enough to menage your behavior is the end goal. But you really need to get some help to start with.

              And in the interim, please don’t get any pets. Pets CAN fill many holes, but they can’t fill a bottomless pit, and they can’t make you whole by themselves. Before you start with another animal, you need to be in a place where you know that (outside of extraordinary things happening) you will be in a place to actually take care of them and a place to make reasonable decisions, from start to finish.

        4. Not So NewReader*

          Just my opinion but I think that being content and grateful is a much higher level than being happy.
          I am not sure why you are pushing yourself so hard to be happy. I don’t think there is such a thing as a happy person. Eh, look at the news. How can anyone be happy all the time, it’s impossible.

          I guess this boils down to how you define “happy”. Who do you know in your life who is happy? What does happiness look like to you?

    19. Anonandanon*

      Your initial post was “I am trying to figure out a way to moderate my behavior without relying on somebody else to do it for me.” After reading most, not all of your additional postings, it really sounds like you do need someone else to assist you in this process. I know others have asked, but did not see an answer, are you still getting regular therapy and being open and honest with your therapist about your compulsions? While you say you are above water financially right now, that could change. My husband and I live well under our means, for a reason, because we know anything could change at the drop of a hat (death or illness, lost job, etc.), so we need to have as much of a financial cushion as possible. I would say, if you have that much energy, why not volunteer and put your energy into something positive and meaningful (for yourself and potentially others). Not sure you are truly comprehending what others are writing here, but I thought I’d give it shot. I wish you all the best and hope you can find a way to harness your compulsions.

    20. Observer*

      I’ve read most of this thread.

      One piece of context here – I am NOT a pet person, and I don’t have the same regard for animals as others here have.

      You have a problem. I totally agree with everyone who says “see a therapist.” Your spending is far more out of control that you realize and your finances – based on what yourself are saying – are in a much worse place than you are admitting. You’ve also ceded control of your behavior. All of the things you did were CHOICES. Not necessarily bad ones, but they WERE choices. They also did not just happen – you ACTIVELY did those thing. And the worst thing is that you’ve allowed yourself to do this to with living creatures that are affected by your choices. You chose to get too many dogs and budgie, despite that fact that it’s quite easy to see that going from zero dogs to four or zero budgies to dozens in a short space of time is likely to present a problem, even if you didn’t have to make a sudden move.

      Please get a handle on this. Your behavior is unhealthy, and there is a decent chance that you’re going to wind up doing something you REALLY regret.

    21. cleo*

      This sounds so hard. I’ve been thinking about what I want to say for at least a day so I’m going to put it here, even though the thread is mostly over and I don’t know if you’ll see it.

      You asked for practical advice. I agree with all of the advice to work with a therapist. This sounds like a serious problem that you’ve been dealing with for a long time.

      My mental health issues are different from yours (ptsd from childhood abuse and anxiety) so I don’t know if any of this will apply to you. For me, one of the big turning points in dealing with my compulsive behavior (mostly really severe procrastination) came when I realized that it was just a symptom, not the root problem. – that it was a coping mechanism to manage anxiety. I had a therapist who focused on figuring out how to not start the compulsive behavior, not on figuring how to stop once I started. She helped me identify what triggered that behavior and how it felt in my body – and helped me build up my tolerance for the discomfort that I’m trying to avoid.

      And the other part that I’m still working on is processing and healing the root cause – in my case, processing the underlying trauma.

      I wish you the best of luck. You asked for help here and that’s huge. I hope you continue to heal.

      1. Another Manic Monday*

        I did see your post. I tried to at least see what everyone has written despite it being very anxiety inducing and somewhat painful. I do thank you for taking your time and share your struggles and recovery progress. I can definitely sympathize with your story. I was emotional abused and neglected by my parents, physically abused by my older brother, and bullied in school. I still haven’t come to terms with my childhood despite being well into adulthood.

  8. Gingerblue*

    My brain initially parsed that cat picture as the cat presenting someone with a lovely bouquet of red and white flowers.

    3. The Other Dawn*

      Little Wally is so cute! Although, judging by last week’s picture, he’s not so little anymore. He looked to be twice the size of Sophie.

  9. Anonymouse*

    Book thread!

    I’m currently finishing up Viper’s Tangle by Francois Mauriac, a French writer who won the Nobel prize, but who is somewhat forgotten today. The novel is about a miserable, wealthy miser who has spent his life alienating his family, both by being an incredible cheapskate, and by interpreting every single action as a deliberate insult. He’s one of those people who are seemingly determined to be unhappy.

    1. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I just inhaled a Scholastic book about a black teen on a plantation shortly after the end of the Civil War. “I Thought My Soul Would Rise and Fly: The Diary of Patsy, a Freed Girl” by Joyce Hansen.
      At the start the plantation’s children are making her “play school” and she’s the dunce, only the joke’s on them because she has eavesdropped on their lessons to learn to read. I was charmed.

      1. Valancy Snaith*

        Dear America is great! If you liked that one you may like the rest of the series. For a while I wrote a blog devoted to them and other similar books, YA Historical Vault. You may find something else you like as much!

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Thanks. I loved it. My daughter says she has gone past them though which is a little sad for YA/middle-reader loving me.

    2. A.N. O'Nyme*

      If you like François Mauriac, “Thérèse Desqueyroux” is another good one, had to read it in high school. Miserable rich protagonists seem to be a theme with the man.

      1. Anonymouse*

        Oh yes, I read Thérèse Desqueyroux first! I liked it so much I decided to read more Mauriac. I admit, Thérèse is more interesting because it’s about a bored, contemptuous wife who tries and *fails* to poison her husband to death.

        Out of such a subject, a writer could wring either a great tragedy or great comedy.

    3. The Other Dawn*

      I’m reading The Lost Island by Douglas Preston and Lincoln Child. It’s the third in their Gideon Crew series. It’s pretty good–better than the last one, anyway.

      Anyone read David Baldacci’s books? He had a book signing and speaking event at a local historic house this week. My late brother recommended his book The Winner to me when I wanted to branch out from reading historical romance and Stephen King. It’s about a guy who fixes the national lottery for people; however, they have to do something in return. It was a great book and that got me hooked. I’ve read almost all of his books at this point, so it was such a joy to be able to hear him speak, get his latest book signed (Redemption from the Amos Decker “Memory Man” series) and get my picture taken with him. He is such an entertaining speaker; the audience laughed almost the whole time. And he’s such a nice guy, too. Very friendly and warm.

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I read last week that a new Dune movie is in the works. That made me think about the fact that I last read the book when I was, like, 12. Which made me wonder if perchance it might be any more comprehensible as an adult. So I started reading it again.

      It doesn’t make any more sense this time, so far.

      1. Foreign Octopus*

        I was disappointed by Dune. I love sci-fi, and I’d heard that it’s a seminal sci-fi book, but I just got confused by it. I never even tried the others in the series.

      2. AnonEMoose*

        Dune does start making more sense as you go. I’ve read it a couple of times, but haven’t read any of the others in the series.

    5. Book Lover*

      I read Chime and meh…. someone must have recommended it, it really does read like young adult and not in a good way. I skimmed to finish it. Just preordered October Man by Ben Aaronovitch and excited about that.

    6. AcademiaNut*

      New Guy Gavriel Kay book this week – Brightness Long Ago! I thoroughly enjoyed it. It’s in his world of two moons setting, and takes place about 25 years before Children of Earth, but with only minor plot/character overlap.

      If you haven’t read his books, most of his work is what he describes as “historical fiction with a quarter turn to the fantastical”. He uses settings and characters inspired by real history, with the fantasy elements being pretty light. HIs books are intricate in plot (politics, diplomacy, religion, conflict) but very grounded in the human stories of the main characters.

      1. ImJustHereForThePoetry*

        One of my all time favorites are A Song for Arbonne and The Lions of Al-Rasson by Guy Gabriel Kay!

    7. Marion Ravenwood*

      This week I read:

      – Circe by Madeline Miller, a feminist retelling of the mythical witch and her legend. It’s absolutely brilliant – so beautifully written and she is such a great, strong, compelling character. I loved it.
      – Theatrical by Maggie Harcourt. It’s a YA novel set backstage at a theatre. Not the most groundbreaking plotwise, but it was an easy enough read and definitely the light, fun thing I needed.
      – I’m Absolutely Fine!, the book by the women behind the website The Midult. It’s aimed at people a little older than me, but there were definitely some good takeaways from it (particularly pertaining to a current life situation I’m in) and it made me laugh out loud several times on public transport, which is always a sign of a good book in my view.

      And now I’m just about to start Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe, for a book club.

      1. AnonEMoose*

        I read “The Song of Achilles” by Madeline Miller not too long ago – I’m looking forward to reading “Circe.”

    8. PhyllisB*

      I just finished reading Maybe You Should Talk to Someone by Lori Gottlieb. I loved it!! Haven’t written my review for Goodreads yet, but will today.

    9. MsChanandlerBong*

      I am re-reading the Scarpetta series by Patricia Cornwell. I read the first 12 or 13 books, and then I didn’t read any of the new ones, so I am starting over so I can read them all in order. The publisher put out an omnibus with five books in it. I stupidly assumed that the books would be in order (e.g. 7, 8, 9, 10, 11), but they weren’t! I read the first four books in the series, started the fifth, and was shocked to find that it jumped from 10 to 13 with no warning. The first page of book 13 had a synopsis of the book, and it revealed a HUGE plot point. If I hadn’t read the book years ago and remembered that this happened, it would have spoiled the entire series for me. Why in the world would the publisher do that? The cover and omnibus description don’t contain the book numbers, just the title, so I just figured they would go in the order of publication, not skip two books.

    10. Koala dreams*

      I’m getting into Fred Vargas again. Today I finished Seeking Whom He May Devour. A creepy tale of the killing of of sheep and people.

    11. Falling Diphthong*

      I’m reading Cities about the 6000 years in which we have lived in cities–what makes a city, how they changed people. A good popular science book.

    12. Elizabeth West*

      I’m culling books because I can’t deal with this if I have to move. Some of them I either haven’t read or read so long ago I’ve forgotten what they were about, so I’m re-reading the ones I’m unsure of before deciding to keep or discard them. Right now, I’m reading Milkweed, a kid’s book by Jerry Spinelli. The story narrator is a nameless, homeless kid in Warsaw, Poland during the Holocaust. The writing is amazing and I think I’ll hang onto this one.

    13. AnonEMoose*

      I just finished the audio book version of “Blackman’s Coffin,” the first in a series of mysteries. Interesting characters, an engaging plot, and lots of historical detail (an important part of the plot). I definitely plan to check out more in the series.

    14. Arjay*

      I got this as a Kinfle first read recently and I really enjoyed it: Rapid Falls by Amber Cowie.
      “Forgive and forget? The past and present collide for two sisters who survived a tragedy—and must now survive the truth behind it.”

  10. Seeking Second Childhood*

    I just read about Uber employees and alcohol on IPO day… headline & subhead from the Washington Post says a lot:
    “Uber rang in its IPO with champagne and mimosas. Then the hangover began.
    One employee handed in her resignation. A party had to be shut down. Another employee was talked out of driving home.”
    It’s an interesting article…my summarizing brain is asleep without the rest of me so I’ll post the link in a followup for anyone who is interested.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Now of course I worry that policies change…is that still valid?

      2. Clisby*

        I can read it in incognito window in the Chrome browser. (Firefox and Microsoft Edge call this feature a private window). Or, you can clear your browser history and try again.

  11. LGC*

    Starting the running thread early this week…because I’m up getting ready for the Brooklyn Half! (It’s 3:30 AM Eastern time. The race starts at 7.) I’m looking forward to it because it’s the last long race I have scheduled. And then…5k/10k season (for me, at least)!

    Which leads into a question: what “annual” races do you guys have? For me, my town’s 10k on Memorial Day is the closest thing. I’ve done it nearly every year since I moved here – a couple of years ago, I got injured and took a few months off, so I just signed up for the 5k instead. (I ended up running a 5k PR.) But I find myself becoming a creature of habit – I’m running Brooklyn again this year, for example.

    1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      Wow, good luck in Brooklyn, LGC! You guys got a gorgeous day for it.

      My annual races have kind of dwindled. Brooklyn Half was an annual race for me for many years, but it went from something like 1,000 to 25,000 runners, went from $11 to over $100, and now has an obnoxious and inconvenient expo, so it’s become a pass. Newport Half was another one, but I gave that one up after succumbing to heat exhaustion at least twice due to its September date. Every year NYCRUNS did a Memorial Day 10K on Roosevelt Island, which is an amazing place to run, but there were too many complaints from Roosevelt Island residents and now there are no more races there. That leaves the Asbury Park Run-a-Palooza half marathon, which is also a gorgeous race, as my only every-year race.

      That said, I enjoy finding new races to try out every year.

      Tomorrow, in lieu of my normal Roosevelt Island 10K, I’m running NYCRUNS’ 10K on Governors Island. I’m a bit worried that this could be my swan song from running for awhile. I’ve had a slowly worsening issue with my left heel for a few months that’s finally progressed to the point that it’s affecting my running. I can still run, but not for more than an hour and not on back to back days. I have a podiatrist appointment set for Monday and I’m afraid I’m going to be shut down for awhile. But we’ll see what happens.

      1. LGC*

        Ah man, hope it’s nothing serious! One of my friends had…a stress fracture, I think, back in January or so. She’s JUST getting back to running now.

        By the way, you know that NYCRuns is running Newport this year, right? I have mixed feelings because the race fee skyrocketed to near-NYRR levels, it looks like (I think now it’s $65, and it’ll go up to $105 by the race), but I’m hoping that it’ll be more organized. (Not that it was disorganized before.)

        1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

          I’m guessing my injury is nothing serious, because I’m able to run and I’m not even being slowed much or at all (then again, I’m a slow runner to start with). But I’m just not feeling particularly lucky. We will see. Thanks for the well wishes!

          Yes, I saw the Newport race changed to NYCRUNS and I have the same mixed feelings. I thought the race was well organized before, to be honest, though the most recent one I’ve done is 2016. I know NYCRUNS is going to do an amazing job, based on their previous races. But if they don’t move it to October (or, at the very least, the last week in September), who runs the race is going to be a moot point for me anyway.

    2. A bit of a saga*

      I’ve been off the running thread for a while, sort of lost my mojo BUT I just picked up my number for tomorrow’s 20k race in town (it’s a big thing, around 40k runners). I’m a new runner so it’s only the second time I’ll be doing it but I hope it will become a tradition. Like you I’m also pondering whether I should focus on shorter races for a while. I need a change to keep me interested and that might be it! Hope your race went well!

      1. LGC*

        Oh man, it did, thanks! And good luck with your 20k! (40,000 runners is INTENSE – like, the race I did was 25,000.)

        Normally, I’ll switch to shorter races in May, just because it works out well with the end of most major half and full marathons (Brooklyn’s one of the later spring half marathons here, I think). Aside from my town’s 10k (and 5k and mile – I’m debating running the mile since I THINK my mile time qualifies, but I’m not really trained for it now), there’s an open championship 5k in June, NYRR’s Pride Run as well (and I think they’re on different weekends, so I can do both), and then a couple of other races.

        Hopefully I can PR again in the 5k – I don’t have major expectations for the 10k, just because it’s next week.

    3. Beaded Librarian*

      I don’t have an annual running race or races yet although I’m doing a series called the BRIN Blackout for the decline year in a row but I’m doing two local tris for the third time and they are definitely both in my always list.

    4. JobHunter*

      Most of my favorite annual races are 5ks held withun a two-hour drive from where I live now. I just like short fast races. I am a little disappointed that some of the races I enjoyed back home years ago have fizzled out, but my current town has a strong and dedicated running group. The races here are kind of a tradition now.

    5. Emily*

      Good luck in the Brooklyn Half! I hope you crush your goals, whether they be time- or enjoyment-based.

      As a kid, I ran Race for the Cure with my mother a bunch of times. I got a kick out of collecting the race shirts, which were the same design in different colors, and I felt really fast and fit, although in retrospect…I wasn’t. :P (I could run the whole distance, but my time wasn’t that impressive, probably because I never trained!) I know that the Komen Foundation has come under a lot of flak in recent years, but we knew none of that at the time.

      In recent years, I’ve only done a few races (two halfs and one 5k) and don’t have any annual ones, but I’d love to have one. I’m most likely moving out of my current city in about a year, though, so it might be a little late to start a tradition here.

      1. LGC*

        Hey, you probably were in pretty good shape if you could run the whole way as a kid! Or at least you were smarter about pacing than most kids.

        For the 5k I ran last week, I set out at roughly 6:00/mi pace. There were quite a few ten year olds that were with me through the first quarter mile or so.

    6. Marion Ravenwood*

      Good luck in Brooklyn LGC!

      The only run I do annually is an unofficial one – every year, my virtual running club (which is Harry Potter-themed) does 3.94 miles on Alan Rickman’s birthday for a cancer charity as a memorial. (The 3.94 refers to when Snape says ‘turn to page 394’ in Prisoner of Azkaban). We do also have a Platform 9 3/4k virtual race every autumn, but this is my first year going for the medals so I haven’t run it before.

    7. Runner*

      I’m running my fifth marathon on Saturday. It’s my first time doing one in the spring, I usually stick to fall marathons and shorter distances throughout the year. Training in the Michigan winter was a challenge

      1. LGC*

        Awesome – and good luck!

        (And I’m impressed that you managed to train through a Michigan winter. I hated training through winter here, and it’s…usually not absolutely terrible here.)

    8. Baconeggandcheeseplz*

      Good luck!!!!!! Let us know how it goes!

      Depending on how I like the soldier Field 10 mi next week I might do that every year? We’ll see, my tapering had turned into me being lazy so now I’m worried again lol. I want to find some good 10ks I think

      I have a training question, how do you turn treadmill speed into outside speed? I can do speed intervals on the treadmill (with the 1% incline) and/or settle into a slightly faster pace on the treadmill (maybe not for as long) but when I go outside I am slow again. I get that the treadmill does a lot of the work in helping me maintain speed, so I don’t know how to convince myself when I’m outside to go faster and maintain that.

      1. LGC*

        To be honest, I think that a lot of it is mental. Part of it is that road running is going to be slower in general, since roads aren’t perfectly even and controlled, and you have wind to deal with. But if you’re having a significant difference (like if you’re able to run 9:00/mi indoors, but can’t get under 10:00/mi outdoors), that’s not due to a change in venue, I think.

        If you can, track your pace when you’re running outdoors. I’ve noticed that I’ll often tend to jet out and then slow down naturally. And accept that you’re not going to go as fast outdoors or on a track, at least at the outset.

        And good luck with the 10-miler!

    9. LGC*

      So, since a lot of people asked how the race went: it went great! I ran sub 1:20 (second time I’ve done so, and same course), and I PRed. (Like, just barely. I ran a 1:19:43 this year, and a 1:19:46 last year.) I was hoping to break 1:19, but I wasn’t sure whether I was in good enough shape.

      (NYRR said I wasn’t – but I’m guessing part of that was them assuming I ran Lebow seriously. My Garmin…I checked the race predictor after the race, and it said I should be able to run a 1:22:53, which is hilariously wrong on so many levels.)

      Lessons learned:
      – do not dunk on your pacer after you catch them at mile 7. They might decide to turn on the jets at mile 10 and then you have to decide whether it’s worth it to go with them. (I decided it was not.)
      – do not dunk on your friend from another club because his wife goofed on him in your Facebook comments about getting up at [unholy hour] for this race. You will end up chasing him down the entire damn race, and he’ll end up beating you by like three seconds. (And that was 3 seconds chip time, so I can’t even use the excuse from below.)
      – also, DO actually decide to use the bathroom before 6:15 AM, because the other reason you’ll be chasing your friend is because you won’t actually get to the bathroom until 6:45 and then you’re stuck chasing after the 1:20 pace group through the first 10k.
      – and remember to lock the door of the port-a-potty. (This is much easier when you are using it pre-race rather than mid-race. ASK ME HOW I KNOW.)

      Honestly, like, the best part about being fast is that you beat like 99% of people to the beer tent. (Yes, I was drinking a beer at 9 in the morning in a minor league stadium. JUDGE ALL YOU WANT. It was Brooklyn Summer, I think, which…eh, I’m a little more partial to Sixpoint’s stuff, but I was like “LOOK I JUST LEFT NEW JERSEY AT 4 IN THE MORNING TO DO THIS I NEED A DRINK OR SEVERAL” It was a little weird, since Sixpoint was at the expo pre-party, so I was expecting them to be at the finish as well.

      …I am aware that I have issues.

    10. Sleepless*

      The Peachtree Road Race, baby! July 4th in Atlanta. Everything from world class elite runners to casual 10Kers to people who walk the whole way and enjoy the view. My daughter is a high school XC runner so she and I have run it together for the past few years. I’m generally not a person who seeks out crowds and noise, but the Peachtree feels like you’re at the greatest party in the city and everybody else is missing out.

      1. LGC*

        I’ve wanted to do Peachtree – that’s one of my bucket list races! (Even if it’s in July. In Atlanta.)

  12. Lena Clare*

    Sort of about writing – if you write, how do you *edit*?
    I have written 2 books… And I’m trying to edit the first. I’ve had beta readers give me feedback which was really useful.

    It just seems like when I went over my notes I’d made to myself I had just sort of written “write this better!” (LOL) which is obviously not helpful now.

    I’ve been going through it from the beginning and just rewriting and correcting as I go along, but honestly it’s taking me months and I’ve read some authors can edit in a week or so >.<

    Should I be going through and dealing with one thing at a time?
    E.g. characterisation, then plot holes, then grammar etc etc?

    1. misspiggy*

      If the text broadly comes across well, it’s just a question of reading each sentence again for concision. Does this need to be split into two sentences? Can I say this in fewer words?

      I don’t usually edit already-published stuff, so this may not be helpful. But perhaps it would be a good idea to decide at the beginning how far you want to go. Do you want to keep all sentence structure the same? Do you want to change or keep vocabulary? Are you willing to change narrative but not dialogue, or vice versa? Or are you only interested in punctuation and paragraphing changes?

      Also, in most cases, ‘better’ equals ‘shorter.’ But there may still be sections you realise need extra exposition. For any additional text you’ll need to do another edit for concision.

    2. Weegie*

      Editor here – who also recently took an online course in editing one’s own work!

      It’s really worth taking a reputable course either online or at a local college /university, but to roughly encapsulate the process:

      After you’ve finished the book, put it aside for a week or so, then read it right through from beginning to end, at your normal reading pace, and take notes as you go – what isn’t working in particular scenes/chapters? Where is the characterisation or plot not working? Why are these things not working (too wordy, too long, too confusing, bogged down by your determination to include something you really, really want to include but which you know you should delete)? Be as honest and as ruthless as you can.

      Once you’ve completed your notes, time to go through the manuscript again, this time addressing the issues you’ve identified.

      Rinse and repeat this process as often as necessary.

      Once you’re satisfied with the plot, characterisation, flow, structure, word choice, etc, time to turn your attention to grammar, spelling, typos.

      Try not to compare yourself to anyone else in terms of the time it takes you to edit your work: when I edit someone else’s book, it can easily take 2 weeks to a month; when I edit my own work I tend to work on a chapter per day and it can take months. I also seek advice from other (trusted) writers and editors that I know professionally and from writing groups. I also go through at least 5 iterations, sometimes upwards of 10, mostly sorting out structure (my weak spot!), dialogue and characterisation – but that’s just me! If writers are producing, say, genre stuff for a particular e-book market and aren’t too fussy about things being perfect, they’ll get quicker, more efficient and skilled over time.

        1. Weegie*

          I took the Curtis Brown Creative course on editing your novel – it’s online only, and is reasonably priced. Even though I already work as an editor (in a completely different field, no-fiction stuff), I learned quite a lot. They run it about 3 or 4 times a year.

          I believe Faber do online courses that are well-regarded, but I have no experience of theirs.

          1. Foreign Octopus*

            I’ve also heard very good things about Faber’s courses. I have a friend who did one, and she can’t speak highly enough of it.

    3. I edit everything*

      One of the things I advise every client is to read your work out loud. It helps in two ways: 1. It forces you to read what’s actually there, and not what your brain thinks ought to be there. You see every word, too, so catch misspellings and word errors (there/their/they’re, for example) more readily. 2. Hearing it helps you notice where sentence structures are weird, repeated words, wordiness, strings of adjectives, and weird rhythms.

      Yeah, it’s super awkward. And it can take a long time. But it’s worth it.

      Self editing is hard. Even for editors.

    4. I edit everything*

      Also, makes lists of things to look for, and make individual passes for each thing. Some examples:

      * crutch/stumble/filler words. Like “turned”–“she turned to go to the door” when “she went to the door” works better. Opening dialogue with words like “so” or “well”.
      * classic “telling” constructions like “[noun] was [adjective]” or “There was”/”it was a thing that was”/”he was a man who” and the like.
      * repeated sentence constructions (one thing reading aloud helps with, actually).
      * anything else your beta readers mentioned to you

        1. Reba*

          I think they are referring to habitual ways you have of putting sentences together, which can get repetitive. For example, I apparently really like to write sentences that go “Gerund-based modifying clause” + “Subject does thing” + comma or even semicolon + “and other related thing.” I also lavish my work with em dashes and parentheticals (not quite Emily Dickinson level, but yeah).

          Often when you are writing, you don’t notice how often you do stuff like this. Reading aloud helps make the rhythms of your sentences more apparent.

          1. I edit everything*

            This. Repeated sentence structures get sing-songy and distracting. I have a client who loves, “Character did a thing, while doing something else” sentences, for example.

            1. Lucy*

              It’s even more distracting if it’s a distinctive turn of phrase or unusual grammatical structure that recurs throughout the work, but in different characters’ direct speech. If your Finnish detective and your Belgian safe-cracker and your American barista all call strangers “sugarplum”, your book may suck.

      2. Lemonwhirl*

        Also, as you read, you will see/hear things that you say over and over. (There’s one heroine in a mystery series I read who is always standing with her arms akimbo. It gets irritating after awhile to read the same phrase over and over.) When you identify your greatest hits, you can do a search and see how many times you’re using them and decide how to rewrite at least some of them.

        And I do a search for ly to find pesky adverbs that can be rewritten or removed. I maintain that a lot of books could be at least 10% shorter if someone had been more critical of adverbs.

    5. Blue Bunny*

      I’ve found that editing well really depends on understanding my own quirks. I cannot begin to consider the story arc or flow until every single typo or grammar issue is immaculate. I know that isn’t good general editing practice, but it’s what my brain demands. Otherwise, it’s like the basic issues are jumping up and down and screaming at me so I can’t concentrate on anything else.

      My general order is: typos and fat-fingering issues that spellcheck would catch, homophone errors and the like that spellcheck would miss, punctuation, deadwood removal, word choice, then overarching plotline problems.

    7. Lena Clare*

      Thanks so much for these tips, they’re excellent! I shall copy this and keep it with my notes to help :)

      1. Lemonwhirl*

        Oh, and if you’re planning on submitting these to agents or publishers, you might be interested in Angela James’ “Before You Hit Send” class. She runs the class maybe once or twice a year, entirely online, reasonable price. She has tons of experience being on the accept/reject side of the desk and is genuinely delightful. (She’s also worth a follow on Twitter – @ angelajames

    8. Shayland*

      My brain isn’t working right now. I’m writing this comment so I can respond when it boots back up.

  13. Jaded*

    So Heathrow Airport now offers assistance to people with invisible disabilities such as, in my case, anxiety. However, I have previously found Heathrow to be a terrifyingly unfriendly and downright hostile place. I am deeply concerned that by asking for this accommodation I will be singling myself out for the full rubber glove welcome. Does anyone have experience of requesting this form of special treatment at Heathrow (or any other major airport)? How well/badly did they treat you?

    2. Jemima Bond*

      If you are genuinely worried about a strip/body search then don’t – good reasons (grounds) are required for that. As for a pat-down; there’s a fair chance of that whoever you are so I’m not sure any assistance thing would make that less likely – but if you are really genuinely worried about the rubber gloves, really don’t.

    3. misspiggy*

      Heathrow staff are usually just surly rather than mean – if you’ve booked assistance in advance they will be fine with whatever form that takes.

      The problem I have with a varying and invisible condition is asking the check-in staff for what I need: they are employed by the airlines and can hugely vary in understanding and helpfulness. They always seem particularly miserable at Heathrow, so maybe there’s something unpleasant for them about their stints there.

      But if you are able to get assistance in advance and can show or describe details of that, you should be treated OK.

    4. Iron Chef Boyardee*

      I’m so worried about the baggage retrieval system they’ve got at Heathrow.

      1. jolene*

        What about it? I travel through Heathrow multiple times a year – it’s a LOT better than many US airports for baggage retrieval!

    5. Lucy*

      Heathrow isn’t a nice airport, because it’s huge.

      Can you look into lounge access? You reduce a lot of the triggers and difficulties by slipping into a lounge – always enough seats and power outlets, not many people, well-made buffet food and self-service drinks so you can avoid cafe queues, Much Less Noise, pleasant bathrooms (you can have a shower if you want) and so on.

  14. Sad*

    After spending way too much time and money on therapy, I think I need therapy to recover from therapy. And seriously, none of them have been of any help and while I know they must be of help to some people (obviously, otherwise they wouldn’t survive as a profession) but at this point I’m pretty sure I’m beyond help.

    1. Asenath*

      Try a self-help group – several of them, like therapists, some are better than others for particular people and particular problems. As for therapists, it’s not unusual to try several or get discouraged. One I saw turned me away because she said I wasn’t ready for it. I was furious at the time, but she was right – I was looking for a magic cure, I would show up and she’d fix me. I tried a few others, more so-so than anything else, eventually found someone who clicked – but by that time I’d started fixing my self by going to self-help groups and a group program (which I hated, but stuck with out of desperation).

    2. Miss Astoria Platenclear*

      You’re not beyond help.
      Not a professional; maybe you should seek medical advice.
      In the meantime, here are some things that can distract you from your concerns: Change of scene with new-to-you arts and entertainment, joining a spiritual community, going on walks if you can, giving yourself permission to change your mind about someone or something. Good luck.

    3. Amelia*

      I’m sorry you’re going through that. Can’t offer any advice, but I’m going through much of the same. I have amazing insight (literally every therapist has told me this), but terrible follow-through, so I feel like therapists are telling me things I already know and giving me suggestions I’ve already thought of but can’t act on. Like any other illness where the doctors aren’t helping, it sucks. Sending virtual hugs. :)

    4. Coffee with friends*

      Yeah, I can kind of feel what you’re saying. I know I need therapy, for a whole lot of reasons, and I tried it three times, but found it quite unhelpful. One therapist was downright bad, the other two I felt like I was having a coffee and a chat with a friend, I told them my worries and issues and they made sympathetic noises, but I didn’t get anything out of it other than having spent a pleasant 45 minutes. They didn’t HELP. Since I have friends that I do not need to pay extortionate price to have coffee with, I am (for the time being) unconvinced of the usefullness of therapy.

    5. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Depression is a lying bastard. –Jennifer Lawson, www thebloggess dot com
      “Not all therapists are created equal.” –maybe Carolyn Hax but also possibly someone on her WaPo comments section
      Just like we need to find the right “fit” of a job. If you’ve been with the same person only, try switching to someone new who has a different method or perspective or personality.
      Also talk to your current therapist … you’re stalled and sad and is it worth rethinking the underlying diagnosis too change treatment /meds/etc.
      For me my ‘medication resistant depression ‘ was largely undiagnosed ADD, and when I started meds for that everything got better enough that I could go off the antidepressant. (It’s not perfect but it’s a level I can deal with.)
      Good luck and come back to check in.

    6. Jessen*

      Hey I’m another one who’s had a lot of therapy and not much good from it. The good news is, there are ways to recover that don’t involve therapy. I had some help with meds for a while, although I didn’t stay on them long-term. I also did a lot of online reading on my own, how other people have approached certain issues, and it honestly did a lot for me. It was a slow process but it did get me to a lot better place.

      It might also be worth looking into what sort of therapy you’re getting. I’ve been getting frustrated that the dominant therapy mode around here seems to be either plain talk therapy or CBT. I don’t get along with CBT at all, it just sounds to me weirdly simplistic and frankly far too much like the crap that I’ve had spewing from people who I had to get out of my life, and talk therapy just seemed like an inferior version of journaling. Right now I’m considering seeing if I can find an EMDR practitioner, although it might be hard with insurance because technically I have a NOS diagnosis with an unofficial “you have major trauma issues but they don’t present in the right way to be diagnosed with PTSD.”

      It can be an absolute pain to figure out how to navigate the system when most places seem to think you just need “a therapist.” I rather feel like the mental health system right now is kind of like if you got told to see “a doctor” for everything from GI surgery to foot pain to migraines.

      1. Procrastinatin'PastSelf*

        EMDR is really good, I did it even though I didn’t have PTSD (but had experienced violence and grief from various life events). There are even EMDR therapists that do intensive, full-day sessions (at some places, you have to schedule like 2-3 or even five, and then if you and the therapist feel you have finished before that, you can stop and not pay for the rest). Insurance probably won’t cover it, though, but it’s a good therapy, if you are fortunate enough to have the cash for it. For the full-day sessions, you would make a timeline and go through different events in your past, not necessarily starting with the main issue or traumatic event that led you to seek it out. Nice thing about EMDR is you don’t have to work on it outside of the session, and I think it allows you to change your perspectives on things (or just realize what kind of judgments you made sub-consciously). Some EMDR therapists charge a normal rate per 45 minute or 1 hour, too, that could be covered by insurance. Good luck! I hope you are somewhere with more options for providers. Also, if you don’t like the eye-movement version, try the electric tappers, they can be easier to concentrate on without the distraction of looking at the therapist.

    7. Jessen*

      I think it might flag certain mental health related words as well. I posted below with no links and it went into moderation, and I’ve had that happen with other mental health related comments as well.

      1. Joielle*

        Same here, hopefully more responses will show up soon and in the meantime, hugs from the internet if you want them.

    8. Joielle*

      I’m not sure if this will ring true to you at all, but when I started therapy it definitely got worse (for a long time) before it got better. Like everything wrong with me was dredged up and thrust into the light and oh look, I’m even more messed up than I realized. It felt pretty hopeless. I really do like and trust my therapist, so I trusted her when she reassured me over and over that it’s part of the process… it sucked though. I’m just now starting to see the light on the other side.

      You’re not beyond help – nobody is – but maybe you need a different therapist (WAY easier said than done, I know) who specializes in your specific needs? I know some people who have done therapy through Talkspace (where you see the therapist through an app) which seems to make it easier to try out a therapist for a session or two, and they’ve really liked it.

    9. Thursday Next*

      As Miss Astoria said, you’re not beyond help. And I say this as someone who has gone through long stretches in which I felt “unhelpable.”

      I agree that at this point, you should seek medical assistance. Sometimes the right medication can help a person get out of that valley of feeling like nothing is working.

      I also recommend walking outside, in daylight, when possible, the Thoughts of Dog Twitter feed (if you like animals), mindfulness meditation apps like Calm, uptempo music, finding a show/podcast/book series you can throw yourself into (happy to give recs if you indicate what your tastes are), staying hydrated and eating fruits and vegetables (dehydration and lack of fiber and vitamins never help anything).

      More than anything, reach out to family and friends, including all of us here. Please ask a different person (medical doctor) for different help.

      Wishing you all the best.

    10. Blue Bunny*

      Commiseration. I found therapy and psychiatry to be absolutely useless, if not actively harmful. (For one thing, I’m quite sure my severe thyroid issues would have been diagnosed much sooner, if I hadn’t been misdiagnosed with a psychiatric issue first.) I gave it fifteen years and tried almost a dozen different providers, and that’s enough. I’m done with the system. It’s not for me.

    11. Ethyl*

      This is a really tough thing to be feeling and I’m sorry you are going through it. I don’t believe you are beyond help either. Therapy is hard work, both in finding the right therapy and therapist for you, and in actually doing the work they give you. It’s ok to take a break and do some work on your own if that’s what you want, or to talk to your doctor about getting some meds to help with things either short-term or long-term. I hope you can be nice to yourself and take a step back for a bit to decide what you want to try next.

    12. The Man, Becky Lynch*

      Therapy is hard because often you don’t jive with the professional well enough. I’ve found it hard for that reason, although I’m trying with a new center soon.

      It may not be what you need but there are other options for mental health healthcare. You’re not alone and you’re not broken or unfixable.

      1. Ethyl*

        Yes definitely! My first experience was such a nightmare I had one session and didn’t even try again until years later. There’s also the matter of which type of therapy is right for you and that you’ll click with. There are so many! And everyone is different in how they respond to things! It is ok and normal to feel a bit overwhelmed.

    13. Koala dreams*

      Maybe talk therapy is not the right treatment for you? Depending on your problems, you might consider a psychiatrist, physical therapy, occupational therapy or some other course of treatment. For some illnesses it is recommended to combine different treatments, for example for depression.

      If you think it would be useful to try on another type of talk therapy, you can maybe schedule a break for a couple of months. Therapy can be very tiring and sometimes you need a break, it doesn’t mean failure, it just means you need to rest before fighting on.

    14. Washi*

      I tried therapy once for about 4 months and didn’t find it helpful. I ended up finding that doing workbooks and lots of reading somehow explained and brought concepts home in a way that my therapist couldn’t.

      I think now if I tried therapy again I would find it more helpful because I can identify the areas I struggle in and what my triggers tend to be. Maybe another therapist could have gotten me there from my previous amorphous state of sadness, but at the time, I too felt like I was bad at therapy.

    15. HannahS*

      I don’t think therapy is for everyone. It’s not the most popular opinion, but I think it’s true. Some people find exercise–lots of regular, aerobic exercise–is the thing that does it for them. Some people need medication, either to solve the problem, or to get them elevated enough to engage with therapy. Some people need electro-convulsive therapy. You’re not beyond help.

    16. Jane of all Trades*

      Sending you positive thoughts! You are not beyond help! It might be that right now therapy alone isn’t the right thing for you. I know others have suggested medication. I took Lexapro for a few months when things were really spiraling out of control, and it helped me level out again. I also found that kickboxing (and other high intensity workouts) signficantly reduce my anxiety, and therefore stabilize my mood. Therapy mostly helps right now to keep me accountable with working on the progress that I have come by mostly by myself. Maybe a similar journey could work for you. Best wishes!

  15. TL -*

    I have a Windows Surface book (a tablet/laptop – the keyboard is a real laptop keyboard but it disconnects from tablet) and in late January the keyboard stopped connecting. I used it as a tablet for a couple of months – I scheduled a call with customer service but they called at 4 am and guys, I hate talking to customer support. Rant ahead.

    Anyways, last month I figured I did want my laptop back – I have an international flight this week – so I called again. 2 sessions (including at least twice where “I’ll call back in an hour” turned into “I’ll call back in 2 or 3 hours”) and 5 hours of actual troubleshooting later, the keyboard still doesn’t work. The tech never calls me back, I email several times with updated availabilities, he finally calls and says it’s a Tier 2 issue. Great. He asks my availability, I give it.
    No call. I email again, giving updated availabilities. No call. Repeat. A week later, I get a call from original guy, saying he to send me a verification code. Okay. We sort that, I give availability for Tier 2 call. No call. Rinse and repeat.
    A week later, I get an email saying my Tier 2 call has been scheduled for Sunday. Great. They call on Saturday. They spend five minutes on the phone with me, tell me they’re going to call me back in 1 hour (I think my cat meowing annoyed them) and in the meantime to check if the USB port on my keyboard (that doesn’t connect to my tablet) is working. Because the plan is reset my computer from the USB port on my keyboard that doesn’t connect to my tablet.
    The USB port doesn’t work. It doesn’t charge my phone and also, nothing in the keyboard talks to the tablet, which is why I’m, you know, calling them. Tier 2 support never calls back and at the end of the day sends an email stating they’re going to be out of office until the 22nd of May and won’t be checking emails.

    I get on the chat support and go through two rounds of chats – one person told me to call the team I’d been calling. The second person put me through to Surface chat. I end up talking to someone who tells me I need to run a bunch of troubleshooting steps before she can move forward. I asked her to check the file because I had already spent a 5 hours running troubleshooting steps (and hey! only result is now my VPN isn’t working) and she said she had reviewed them. She sent me an email…full of troubleshooting steps I had already done.

    Guys, I love my Surface. It is honestly my favorite laptop ever. But this is the worst customer service experience I’ve ever had – and I’ve had to deal extensively with both AT&T and Xfinity.

    1. T. Boone Pickens*

      Oh. My. Goodness. My blood pressure was rising just reading that. My sympathies TL…that’s a rough one.

      1. TL -*

        Thanks. I’m going to be near a store next week so I’ll go in and fingers crossed that works.

    2. Teach*

      Any chance there is an independent computer fixing business in your area? Because I had a similar situation with a MacBook Air that resulted in me publicly melting down at the Apple “Genius” Bar, declining the purchase of a new one, and finding a local guy who fixed it it two days for $100 bucks with parts he pulled out of his back room…

    3. Autumn Wind*

      Sorry if this is a really basic, silly question, but does the keyboard have its own battery? And if so, does it need replacing?

  16. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Can someone explain to me why people are writing “LOL” as “LUL”? Because that means something VERY different in Dutch and I keep laughing when I see it written.
    (Funnily enough, “lol” is also a Dutch word meaning “Fun”. I was very confused when I first saw it used in English.)

    1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Per urban dictionary (I hadn’t seen or noticed it before), it means “lame uncomfortable laugh”.

      I looked up “lul” in a Dutch to English dictionary and you are right that the meaning is different… lol.

    2. Anono-me*

      Speaking of the odd quirks of languages; Google the meaning of ‘bae’ in Danish while you are at it.

    3. Emily*

      I’ve mostly seen it in the context of “lulz” or “for the lulz” (and not necessarily recently, either), but I mostly chalk it up to the fact that “LOL” and “LUL” sound similar when you pronounce them as words rather than as a collection of letters, and people are really good at shifting language and making up new words and phrases (especially on the internet, where different words, phrases, memes, and writing styles come in and out of vogue really quickly).

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        …Now that you mention it, they do sound similar when you pronounce them the English way. In Dutch they sound very different (the vowel in “lul” is a sound English doesn’t have, namely /y/)

  17. StellaBella*

    Hi all. Decided to do something for others today so a friend and I went to a feed the needy cooking event at a local soup kitchen. It was good to chop onions and garlic and carrots for a couple of hours … Anyone else do service things when they are feeling a bit blah to help others out and also raise one’s spirits?

    2. Grapey*

      I do service things regularly to keep the blahs at bay. It also helps foster community when you can regularly see a group of people (if you have time of course) and they can depend on seeing you on a schedule. I donate platelets every two weeks and the people at the donation center are like a second family. I don’t do it “just” when I’m feeling down but instead I try to make it a priority to help other people no matter what my mood is.

    3. Sam I Am*

      I’ll offer to babysit some of my friends’ kids. Even if the parents don’t go out, I can go over to their house and give the kids all the attention for games, walks, coloring, reading books etc. It totally focuses my mind on the moment, and I can let go of my troubles for a while. I’ve not done it when I was having a serious problem, but to relieve the blahs? For sure.
      I don’t have kids but I’m an instructor and I work with kids most weeks, so they don’t frighten me. I know they aren’t everyone’s cup of tea.
      Similarly, I’ve found people are always willing to loan me their dog for a walk or hike. I’m a dog person without the schedule that would allow me to have a dog.
      These aren’t service exactly, but they are things that strengthen my ties to my communities.
      When I call the person in charge I just use scripts that I hope are breezy, accurate, and give them an easy “no.”
      Ex: “Hey, I kind of have the blahs today and want to do something fun. So I’m wondering if KIDLET(S) are free to go to the playground with me for a couple of hours this afternoon? If it’s not in the cards today, no problem, we can do it another time.”

  18. RMNPgirl*

    Going to Alaska on my first ever cruise tomorrow! I’m really excited but getting nervous about finding my way around the ship. I also managed to fit 9 days worth of clothes into a carry on but it is stuffed full, so I won’t be able to get much in the way of souvenirs.
    I’m also really hoping to see some bears and bear cubs.

    1. 7 doggies*

      Lots of travelers take advantage of the USPS Priority Mail “boxes”. One price per size of box, no weight limit. So when you buy souvenirs, or want to keep all of the free toiletries, or want to send home your dirty clothes so you have room in your carryon for the more important stuff, just ask when you are in the towns you are visiting where the post office is, and send a box home. Our two boxes arrived home before we did.

      1. Blue Bunny*

        I also suggest mailing home receipts, though you may not have as many on a cruise as you would on another type of trip. I am fanatical about checking my statements due to prior ID theft issues, and it was a load off my mind to know that my carefully-organized credit card slips were already on the way back to my house.

      2. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        I highly recommend sending home dirty clothes this way! I once went on a week-long trip where I went to a convention for the first few days, then stayed with a different friend each night in that city to extend the trip a bit as a tourist. Mailing my dirty underwear and convention materials home (actually, to someone else’s house who’d agreed to be my mail drop so I didn’t have to worry about packages sitting out) was a great way to free up space in my backpack for the second half of the trip.

        If you want to get the stereotypical Ulu knife souvenir, that can’t go home in a carry-on either so would be another good thing to mail home if you’re mailing a box anyway. (I had no interest in getting one as a souvenir when I went to Alaska, but I do remember the signs EVERYWHERE in the Anchorage airport about how they could not be in carry-on luggage because it was a common issue with security screening at the time. This was pre-9/11 when airport security was less on people’s minds generally.)

    2. AvonLady Barksdale*

      As far as the ship goes, think of it this way: if you get lost while you’re exploring, you can’t really get too far. They’ll give you a map (or have one available), so keep it in your pocket and enjoy. If you end up in a situation where you can’t find your way back to your room, someone will be around to help you!

    3. CAA*

      Alaska is great! It’s pretty early in the season for seeing bears, but you should see whales, otters, and other sea life; and they usually bring sled dog puppies aboard ship one day.

      For finding your way around, there’s a map of the deck posted on both sides of every elevator lobby/staircase landing. The map is oriented horizontally so the bow on the outline of the ship points towards the bow of the actual ship. I tend to take a quick glance at those as I’m passing through just to make sure I’m really heading in the direction I thought I was.

      Have a great trip!

  19. The Other Dawn*

    How does one get started writing a novel?

    I’ve always felt as though I want to write a book, but I don’t know where to start. In the past my writing style tends to be that I write when I feel like it. No structure, no plan in mind at all. Just sit down and write. I’ve written a few very short stories, like for high school and college classes, things like that. But I enjoy writing and would like to do more of it.

    If it helps, I’m someone who gets an idea in my mind and I typically keep going until I accomplish whatever it is. I never have a detailed plan in mind. I just know what I want the end result to be and I just do it and adjust as I go along. It pretty much never enters my mind that it won’t happen, or X will go wrong. That’s how it went with every big thing in my life: weight loss surgery, skin removal surgery, buying my first house, buying this house. You get the idea.

    1. Lena Clare*

      I write all my ideas in a notebook. Most of them I don’t develop, but I will use them as themes or mini plots in other stories most of the time. Some seem like great ideas though but when I read them later I think omg what was I thinking! Sometimes I turn them into short stories instead, and sometimes my stories turn into longer plots that can become books.

      When I know I want to write a book, I plot each chapter out then start writing. I used to write random chapters as opposed to writing it in order, but characters have a tendency to develop a life of their own so I would find myself thinking ‘Cornelius wouldn’t do that here, he’d do x instead’ and then I’d have to rewrite it, so now I write the chapters in order, that way I’m only changing my plan rather than lots of writing. I always stick to the ending though, no matter how the characters get there. Only once have I written two different endings for the sake book, but I ended up going with the ending where not everyone died!

      I also write detailed histories of every character including their descriptions, even minor one – especially minor ones – before I start writing the book, so I don’t have to go searching back through pages of words to see if I wrote that they had a brother or a sister, or had blue eyes or brown eyes.

      Incidentally, the incidence of green eyes in books is way, way higher then the incidence of green eyes in real life – just sayin’ :-)

    2. Jules the 3rd*

      What I hear from writers is that you carve out time and write. Even if it’s drafts / ideas / staring at the paper, scheduling ‘time to write’ is the most important thing.

      1. Marion Ravenwood*

        This. Not making time for writing was the big reason I fell off the wagon with it (both times).

    3. I edit everything*

      You sound like what we call in the writing world a “pantser”: you write by the seat of your pants, rather than an outline. If you just want to get going writing, here’s my recommendation. Start with one thing—a character, a scene, a “what if”—and see where it takes you. It doesn’t matter if the thing you start from is the beginning, middle, or end. Just get something down. As you write, otherthings will start to fill in for you.

      You can also do a little (or a lot) of advance work, from sketching out your main character to writing a detailed outline. But for each main character, keep in mind these three questios:
      Who are they?
      What do they want?
      What’s stopping them from getting it?

      Go for it!

    4. Anonymous Educator*

      In the past my writing style tends to be that I write when I feel like it. No structure, no plan in mind at all. Just sit down and write.

      I think the best thing to do to write a novel is to not write when you feel like it, but to regularly schedule your writing time (once a day for an hour, for example).

      I’d highly recommend reading On Writing by Stephen King (yes, the horror author).

    5. Square Root Of Minus One*

      I’m a wannabe writer more than a writer, but I always began with what I got excited with first.
      If it’s the general idea of the plot, I outline it.
      If it’s a scene, I write it – even if I don’t keep it later, it’s just to get started.
      If it’s a character, I write the most detailed description I can.
      And so on.
      And then I branch from it, write other scenes, character description, place descriptions, whatever, until I finally get the outline. After that, I start to write in earnest, while still working on the outline if I’m not done.

    6. Lilysparrow*

      I’m a fan of the Snowflake Method as a way to get started. It doesn’t lock you into anything, but it gives you a framework for turning a collection of random ideas into a cohesive whole. Very useful starting point.

      And the time factor matters. It doesn’t have to be the same time every day, but the time has to get put in somehow.

      I can compose about 800-1000 words of new fiction in an hour, on average. That’s not as fast as some highly prolific authors, but it’s a fairly good pace. (I’ve gone faster before, but I wound up just churning worthless word count that had to come out in editing anyhow).

      So for a 60k novel, that’s 60-75 hours of work producing the first draft. (Not counting planning, ramp-up time to get into flow state, distractions, etc.

      Whether you do it once a day, or once a week in chunks, you have to find that 60 hours somewhere. The advantage of the daily approach is that smaller chunks are easier to work in around the necessities of life. And it’s easier to keep the thread of the idea going, without wasting time trying to remember where you were headed.

      The reason there are so many methods and philosophies about writing novels is because it’s like saying ‘how do you kiss” or “how do you train for a marathon” or “how do you clean up puke.”

      You just get stuck in and do it.

    7. The Other Dawn*

      Thanks. everyone! I think my biggest hurdle is coming up with an idea for a story. It’s not difficult when you’re in school and you’re given a topic to write about or a general idea of what the professor is looking for, but to come up with a complex story is something that has been really difficult for me.

      How do you get ideas? Do you base it off something that’s happened in your real life, or want to happen? Maybe a favorite–or hated–person in your life? A hobby?

      1. A.N. O'Nyme*

        It can be anything really. I have a little bag with slips of paper with random words written on them, and when I get struck with the dreaded writer’s block I’ll pull out three at random and try to write a short drabble with them. I ended up with a great villain when writing a nonsensical short story involving “Mr Darcy” (Pride and Prejudice), “Horror Movie”, and “Dogs”. For other parts of the plot, I usually just…Randomly get inspiration, I suppose, but it tends to be around my usual “writing time”. If I get ideas at any other point in the day I write them down in a notebook I always have with me (yes, even next to my bed. Trust me, you won’t remember that Awesome Idea tomorrow, you’ll just remember you had an Awesome Idea).
        Also, what genre do you want to write in? It might help to get to know some of the conventions of the genre better or even find some blogs or some such of writers in your genre.

  20. Loopy*

    This week I got super sick. I realized at one point that in the past 3 or so months I had fallen out of some very key and very basic healthy habits which probably contributed. Once I started thinking on it, I realized even when not sick, I haven’t been feeling good overall. It was an eye opener to how much those habits had been contributing to my overall wellness. I’m talking basic hydration, moderate exercise, and over all eating decently. It’s been a stressful period so I’m not exactly shocked but I am dismayed that it’ll take some effort/discipline and time to regain lost ground.

    Just curious, what are some of your super basic habits that keep you feeling pretty good? For me sleep is also very much in the mix but I had been doing okay on that one!

    1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Regular walking for me more than formal exercise.

      Eating something green and leafy at every meal.

      No caffeine after lunch.

    2. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I need to exercise… for me it’s swimming or my bike, and I’m finding that clearing falllen wood in the new big yard helps too.
      I also need to keep a minimum level of tidy or my mood spills over into eating too much junk as a distraction.
      And no more than a cup of tea after lunch as far as caffeine goes.

    3. Ranon*

      Spend time outside everyday (I have a walking commute so this one is easy for me but getting outside at lunch too makes a big difference)

      Social time with people I like and care about (sport means I pair that one with exercise, double win!)

      My body likes a very high fiber diet but I know that varies for lots of people

    4. Lilo*

      Stating hydrated is HUGE. Seriously life changing. I keep a liter bottle at work and fill it up at least twice.

      1. Kimmy Schmidt*

        I sip on water throughout the day, which has the added benefit that I need to get up every couple hours to use the restroom! I often purposefully walk to the one furthest away from my office, or take a lap around the building after, so I get more water and I get a 5 minute walk.

    5. Jean (just Jean)*

      Good for you for catching yourself in mid-fall.
      You might want to check with your primary care health provider, just to be sure that there’s nothing more serious than wear and tear from several months of practicing less-than-ideal health habits. It’s not unusual for people to develop a chronic condition or a serious health challenge. I’m not saying that you’re 120% likely to have developed Two-Headed, Purple-Eared, Fire-Breathing Spotted Fever; I’m just saying that it’s wise to periodically check on one’s respiratory / cardiac / visual / dental / orthopedic / digestive / etc. health the same way that homeowners check on their heating & cooling systems and road vehicle owners check on the brakes, transmission, exhaust, etc.

    6. WellRed*

      For me it’s mostly about eating well. I also try to get outside. I have been in a bad spell the past couple weeks so am making a plan for this week. Waking up with foot cramps reminded me I need to hydrate which I struggle with because I don’t care for water at all.

    7. Ethyl*

      I said this on Facebook the bother day, but man some days I really miss “self care” being face masks and manicures lol. For me, it’s getting up at 5 and hitting the gym three times a week to lift, making sure I make and keep my doctor’s appointments so I make sure my various meds are working right (especially the thyroid and Vit D), maintaining a RIGID sleep routine and schedule, and eating my pre-made lunch that agrees with my iffy digestive system instead of going out to lunch which always makes me feel lousy. It’s boring but it works!!!

    8. Square Root Of Minus One*

      Other than basic hydration, balanced food (I’m usually punished very quickly if I slip up: headaches, nightmares, you name it), and activity, something I dearly miss is having my bedroom an electronics-free zone.
      My bedroom is my living room, and I’ve lapsed back into old habits like watching TV from my bed, and even when I don’t I’m annoyed but the slight noises and LEDs of everything. It messes with my sleep. Can’t wait till I get my new place with a separate bedroom (by December, crossing fingers).

    9. Not A Manager*

      This might be TMI, but for me, one key to feeling good and healthy is to maintain habits that keep my digestion regular. I can pretty easily tell if I’m not eating properly/not staying hydrated enough/not getting enough sleep or exercise, etc. by my digestion. It’s like my early warning system.

    10. Elizabeth West*

      I need to get 7 or 8 hours of sleep. I need to walk regularly or exercise in some other capacity. I need to meditate, at home and/or with my sangha. Lately, home has been tricky because of the noise from next door.
      I need to get out of the house and go do something periodically, even if it’s just walking around a flea market looking at ugly lamps.

  21. Zoey*

    Hi. Does anyone have an Etsy shop? There are so many articles offering advice but not sure what is truly helpful and what isn’t. Especially when it comes to tax season. If you have any advice to offer, would appreciate it. Thanks

    1. Natalie*

      Probably not what you want to hear but I would strongly recommend only reading the IRS consumer-level guidance and/or consulting with an actual CPA, rather than crowdsourcing tax advice. Particularly when it comes to “gig” stuff like Etsy, rideshare drivers, etc, there is a ludicrously high amount of terrible/inaccurate/fraudulent tax advice, and advice that’s simply outdated due to the TCJA (tax reform bill enacted last year).

      1. MsChanandlerBong*

        A lot of people think they know what they are doing when they don’t. I said something about holding back money for taxes on my freelance writing pay, and another freelancer argued with me, saying self-employed freelance writers don’t have to pay taxes because “they are individuals, not companies.” I tried to explain to her that if you don’t have an employer, then somebody’s gotta pay the taxes. She wouldn’t listen. I bet she got quite the surprise come tax time that year.

        1. Ruffingit*

          As a person with self-employment income (on top of a regular job), I can’t imagine the horror awaiting her at tax time. Hell, she may be one of those people who thinks she doesn’t need to even file taxes. Scary.

        2. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

          Yeah, the thing with taxes is that you don’t always know that you’re doing it wrong in any kind of timely manner. The IRS expects you to get it right even if they don’t give you timely feedback about any mistakes you may be making along the way. It’s not like turning in a homework worksheet in elementary school where you get it back corrected the next day, but more like if, instead of defending your PhD dissertation to a committee you mailed it off somewhere, they tentatively give you a PhD after briefly skimming it to make sure you wrote something down, and then they have 7 years to decide if they’re actually going to read it properly and check your sources and you’re on the hook for any mistakes they find if they do so.

          Much of the advice you read from fellow small-time sellers online may be well-intentioned but from people who don’t yet know they’re wrong. It’s possible to do your own books while owning a small side business, but it’s stressful even for someone like me who has worked in finance and is very comfortable with math and regulations. (I ultimately decided not to try and deduct a lot of things that were probably deductible business expenses, because the amount of money I’d save by deducing them wasn’t worth the amount of stress I’d spend worrying if I got it right. If the amount of money in play had been larger, I would have hired an accountant to deal with it, but due to the size of the side business it was a small enough difference that not deducting anything was cheaper than hiring someone to help me figure out the deductions. Also, I had a service business rather than a product-based business, so I didn’t need to deal with inventory-related things, which are a pain to get right.)

          1. Ruffingit*

            Yeah, I can understand why you made those decisions. My side biz is service-related so no inventory either. I have a wonderful accountant who I trust implicitly so I let him mess with all that. He’s a CPA so he keeps up with the tax code and such. I, on the other hand, do not and have no desire to either. I strongly believe that if things get too complicated or you want to ensure it’s correct, it makes sense to hire the people who do that stuff all day, every day, unless, as in your case, the expense of doing so would outweigh the gain.

  22. Washi*

    Sometimes I feel like I wasn’t mature enough to get married.

    My husband and I live about 15 minutes from his parents and several grandparents. Unsurprisingly, they reach out to see us pretty frequently, and my husband and I have settled on doing a family thing 1-2 times per month. My husband and I have been together for many years now, though only married for a few, and I thought when we got married that I theoretically understood that his family would be in my life forever. And I although I find his parents to be so blandly nice that they end up being very boring (they don’t tend to have a lot of opinions or things to contribute to conversation) I knew that as far as in-laws go, that’s a great problem to have.

    But…I’m finding that whenever they reach out to us, my reaction is just “ugh, again?” I’m bored of having to hang out with them. I’m annoyed by all the emails we get from them in between seeing each other. I just have this “ergh go away” sensation at all times. Which feels so dumb! I knew, basically, what it would be like when we moved down here! We eventually hope to move closer to my family/the area I’m from, but that will be another few years at least, and I don’t want to spend all of that time counting down the days until I can get away. Plus when his parents are no longer caring for the grandparents, they will probably follow us and want to live nearby, so I really have to deal with this feeling.

    Anyone experience anything similar, or have any suggestions about how I can retrain myself to want to be around my in-laws more?

    1. Penny*

      Can you let your husband take over the in-between emails with them so you only have to worry about the face-to-face monthly contacts? Also in your monthly gatherings, are you just sitting around the house talking or going out to do things? Maybe it would be more interesting if you were doing activities together like museums or festivals or escape rooms.

    2. gecko*

      1-2 times a month feels like a lot. I’m half an hour from my own parents, talk with them a lot on the phone, and 1-2 times a month would be a lot for me with them—my own parents, let alone my soon-to-be-in-laws.

      I don’t think you need to dutifully retrain yourself to want to spend that much time with them. Can you in fact cut down on the time you spend with them and send your husband alone for several of those visits? For instance, cut down to once a month or once every two months?

      I think Captain Awkward had a good metaphor for this kind of thing—like a cat who is Done with being pet and bothered and all you want is to hide under the bed. With a cat you’ve gotta let it be and understand you have to back off in order to get it to approach you again; your in-laws probably won’t do that naturally, but the greatest gift you can give to your relationship with them is probably seeing them less so you feel less imposed-on.

      1. Washi*

        Ahh yes I feel exactly like a cat that’s hiding under the bed from too much love.

        I think unfortunately my husband and I ended up in an unhealthy pattern early in our relationship where he didn’t understand why I didn’t want to see his family as often and also hated answering the “where’s Washi?” question when I didn’t go, so he ended up guilting me into going to stuff. And I played into that by not standing by my needs and instead going to stuff, then picking fights afterward out of resentment. (22 year old us were not the most mature…) So I still have a lot of baggage from that period, even though my husband and I have grown up a lot and he truly never guilts me when I bow out of things.

        I do understand the suggestions to reach out myself, but it’s hard to motivate myself to do that since they reach out so often and far ahead – we already agreed to family plans at least once per month through August.

        I’m about to start grad school, and I’m thinking I may use that as an excuse to disengage a little bit and as gecko says, give them the gift of me feeling less imposed on.

        1. valentine*

          First, sit down and decide what scenario would be a dealbreaker for you. Make a 1-5 or 1-10 list from tolerable to divorce. Mull it over. Maybe 1=annual visits. That’s fine. I get the impression you wouldn’t be after your husband to hang out with your family, so I find it odd that you still feel pressured to have constant contact. There’s no good reason for this when you don’t want it and are living in dread of his parents following you(!).

          You can say no to everything or less and you can absolutely set and maintain boundaries. If your husband needs his parents to be in the same neighborhood/city/county/state, maybe you’re truly incompatible. It sounds like you haven’t had a conversation where you said you don’t want that and won’t live that way. This is a good time for that conversation because it informs whether you’re on the same page about your life goals.

          So. Filter their email and redirect them to his. See them annually or whatever amount you truly want. Don’t go just because not doing so costs you time with hubs. Let your time together truly be that. And you don’t need specific reasons. Just say or tell him to say you’re focusing on other things and won’t be emailing/visiting. Because if you say it’s grad school or whatever, they’ll expect you back when it’s done.

          Also major is whether you’re planning children and how that could destroy your plans here because hubs may agree now but feel differently when someone is whining to him about seeing the baby or how they expect to live in each other’s pockets.

        2. gecko*

          I think that’s a great excuse, especially if your husband doesn’t feel very comfortable just saying, “Washi had other plans, just me tonight :) ” It’d be nice for him to have a very white lie on hand.

          In this case probably reaching out yourself is way unnecessary. You might come to a point where you feel ok with the frequency of your visits, and then it’d be a kindness to reciprocally invite them to stuff–but that’s just going to feel bad until you’re baseline comfortable with it all.

          Also best wishes with grad school!!!

    3. Angwyshaunce*

      My family likes to get together once or twice a month, for birthdays and holidays and such. They also tend to be kind of bland.

      My wife’s family is much more hands off, so she wasn’t used to such frequent get-togethers. After a few years, she grew tired of these frequent events. I told her it was fine to skip these whenever she wanted to. My family still doesn’t understand it, but at least they learned to accept it.

    4. Miss Astoria Platenclear*

      My advice may seem counterintuitive, but I suggest initiating contact with them. Ask your mother-in- law to join you on some errand you were going to do anyway. The details of the errand can give you something to talk about. Is there some shopping you two could do together that would help the grandparents?
      Also, if you go to their house, you have control over how long you stay.
      You will build good family karma and get practice at dealing with nice-but-bland people, who you will encounter throughout your life.

      1. Katefish*

        I have the world’s best in-laws, live locally to them and far from my family, and it’s still been an adjustment to the togetherness of it all. For me having my husband go out of town for extended periods of time helped me take ownership of the relationships and start feeling more “my family” as opposed to “his family.” But it takes time! Also seconding what everyone has said about breaks.

    5. Ethyl*

      I agree with everyone else that this sounds like a lot of visiting to me. Granted, my family lives far away, but I think this would drive me up a wall as well!

      My spouse’s family was like this. Bland, but nice. But they also insisted that any time you visit you spend ALL THE TIME TOGETHER, just…….sitting. And not really talking because they didn’t have anything interesting to say. But you couldn’t go out and do something interesting together either. Not even go out to dinner. Just sit around the kitchen table with the TV balring while everyone around you smoked cigarettes and showed you pictures of some distant cousin’s kid It was excruciating. Both of his grandparents are now passed, and his mom passed back in 2006, so we are kinda off the hook for now since he’s not close with any of the rest of his family.

      I don’t think “await death” is actionable advice though, so I’d go with everyone else recommending cutting your personal involvement down. That’ll help keep you from getting so frustrated and resentful that you snap and say something hurtful and will also help you stay sane.

    6. Joielle*

      Omg me too. My husband’s family (parents, two siblings, their spouses, and several kids) ALL get together several times a month and it’s usually like… an entire weekend at a time. They’re not boring but it’s just so much togetherness and I just end up thinking “don’t you people have any other friends?!”.

      We go probably half the time and usually don’t spend the whole time there. I completely have the “ergh go away” feeling too. None of them understand what I do for a living aside from “sort of related to politics” so they all have so many questions about what they heard in the news (which is usually wrong) and I just do. not. want to.

      Luckily for me, my husband mostly feels the same way about the quantity of togetherness, so we’ve cut down our visits, but sometimes he wants to go and I just can’t handle it, so he goes by himself and I go out with friends or just sit on the couch. I’m sure they think I’m weird but it’s the best compromise we’ve come up with.

    8. Rainy*

      I let my spouse handle all contact with his family. I had to institute a direct email ban with his mum during wedding planning, and I just…haven’t rescinded that? Something I really believe firmly is that when I married this dude I did not become his social secretary. I’ve seen so many women especially in my mother’s generation but even now become the family social secretary who’s responsible for presents, cards, check-ins, phone calls, blah blah blah, and I absolutely refuse.

      So if you can redirect the emails (or just ignore them), and if you need to, opt out of some of the visits (he can, I promise you, visit his parents by himself) that might give you some more room. You might find that if you’re not having them crammed up your nose 2x a month (TWICE A FREAKING MONTH HOLY COW) you have more room to appreciate them.

      1. Ethyl*

        Ahahaha yeah every time spouse’s aunt messages me on Facebook with a message for him I always send back some variation of “oh! He still has the same phone number and email actually! Here it is again in case you lost it!” because I am a petty, stubborn, cranky feminist.

    9. Dan*

      Oh one of my favorite topics.

      My ex and I at one point lived within 30 minutes from several of her family members. My ex wasn’t working, so her family was her social outlet. Fine, NBD. But what became a big deal was that she wouldn’t accept that I didn’t have the same affinity for them that she did. Me staying home was Not An Option, although I did it anyway and suffered the consequences. She wasn’t happy. She really couldn’t accept that I needed down time on the weekends, and my definition of down time wasn’t her family.

      It wasn’t that “everybody” got together “all the time”, but there was almost always something with one subgroup or another. Just to see if I was exaggerating the frequency of get togethers in my head, I counted once…. there was a stretch where there was some family thing or another ten out of 12 straight weekends.

      In terms of my own family, I moved out of state 20 years ago, and I get back once a year. So I have really no idea what the right balance actually is, before taking into account “my family vs your family” issues.

    10. My Brain is Exploding*

      What works for some people doesn’t work for others! The first year of my marriage, we lived close to my parents, and went to their house every Friday night to do laundry, eat dinner, and play games. Currently our adult children live in the same metro area and we do see them once a month (I love them! They are interesting people who probably find their dad and me a little boring.) On the flip side, our visits to older family members who don’t live close can be…tedious.

      What are you doing during your times together? If you are hanging out at someone’s house for most of the day, yep, I’m with you, it can get tedious. If this is the case, can you: a. mix it up so that you go out to eat once a month – generally this has a defined ending point; b. offer to do something while at the in-laws’ house while everyone else visits (walk the dog, do the dishes slowwwly); c. take a break (“gotta go for my after-dinner walk”); d. bring a project (knit/crochet/quilt while everyone watches Wheel of Fortune); e. play board games or card games; f. everyone work on a project for the in-laws while you are there (this is especially good as the parents get older and need physical help to accomplish some tasks).

      Could you and your husband limit it to once a month for you and twice a month for him? (“I want to give you time alone with your son!”) And/or keep the frequency but decrease the time?

      Emails: let your husband take care of them! If questioned, put this under the heading WE DECIDED that I Do My Family (email, birthday cards, etc.) and He Does His Family.

      You are right in that there could be far worse in-law problems, and you also need to weigh your aggravation v. the fact that they just seem to like their family and want to spend time with them! You could frame your time as your gift to them, which it really is.

      And build in a reward of some sort for the day after a get-together!

    11. Wishing You Well*

      Before you focus on relatives and in-laws, make sure you yourself are doing okay. Do you feel too busy? Are you healthy and have enough energy? Are you too stressed? Are you an introvert who needs more ‘down’ time than the average person?
      If all that is normal, try to find a schedule that works for you. Consider seeing your in-laws every other time, letting your spouse go without you. Let your spouse deal with the emails. Think about adding more people (or take a pet, if possible) to the get-togethers to keep conversation going. Meet people somewhere besides their home for more interesting surroundings. Drive separately from your spouse so you can arrive late and leave early.
      Finding a workable solution is so much better than building years of resentment. Starting a new habit is tough at first, but then it becomes the new norm. Best of Luck.

    12. Triplestep*

      I also have very bland in-laws and I could never put my finger on why I just wanted to roll my eyes anytime a get-together was proposed. My father-in-law (widowed now) is lovely, and has been very generous with my children (who are his step-grandchildren – they didn’t meet until my kids were 8 and 14. The kids are 23 and 29 now.) Other in-laws are his lady-friend, and my husband’s aunt and brother. No kids, no spouses.

      Then a few years ago when my brother-in-law got a dog – and the dog became the center of attention – I realized what was happening. Kids are one thing that will surely change family gatherings from one time to the next. They grow up and develop new skills and reach milestones. But this constellation has no kids. Even lady-friend has two single grown kids, no grand-kids. Unless one of my kids is there (and lets face it, they are adults now, too) we are just a bunch of people gathering in the same formation for every birthday and holiday, watching each other age. We don’t even go to different restaurants anymore. It’s no wonder the dog became a big deal!

      This is not to say that families without kids are incomplete! I am sure there are families the same composition as my in-laws who enjoy much more exciting times together. But something about this realization changed my view of these events. I guess you could say I just changed my expectations about how these gatherings are supposed to feel. They may be boring and each one the same as the next, but to my in-laws they are the norm and quite enjoyable. I still don’t relish them, but I don’t roll my eyes quite as hard whenever I hear another is coming up.

    13. Anono-me*

      I think the advice about letting your husband be the one to respond to his side of the family’s emails and to have your husband do some some solo visits is very good.

      You might also find it helpful to plan to do something when you visit. For example for Father’s Day can you give your father-in-law a game or video and then play the game or watch the video on your next visit? Can you suggest going to a meal and a movie or museum or lecture for some of these get together? Also I bet quite a few of these people have great stories that they just don’t think to tell. Can you think up questions based on what was going on the world when they were in their teens and twenties?

  23. Valancy Snaith*

    I’m looking for book recommendations! For fiction, I’m interested in historical fiction that focuses mostly on women. I’m not a fan of Ken Follett, Jeff Shaara, the O’Brien/Maturing books, etc. My favorite authors are Tracy Chevalier and Emma Donoghue, and I just read the entire works of Gwen Bristow. Anything anyone has read that’s interesting in that genre?

    On a similar note, your favourite social history books? My library had discontinued Interlibrary Loan, so I’m having to get creative with what’s available on their ebook system. Now that I’ve completed everything by Judith Flanders, I’m fishing for new ideas.

    1. PM*

      Check out Hild by Nicola Griffith. Not all her stuff is historical, but that’s a good one.

      1. Reba*

        I am obsessed with Hild. Love it so much.

        Valancy, I had no idea that Emma Donoghue wrote historical fiction, so thanks for that!

        Does biography hit the same buttons for you? I have really enjoyed biographies of Christina of Sweden (by Veronica Buckley), Emilie du Chatelet (at the moment I can’t remember which book I read, sorry!), and Artemisia Ghentileschi (I read a scholarly art history book by Mary Garrard, and there are also SEVERAL novels based on her story including a good one by Susan Vreeland and an interesting older one by Anna Banti). Not biography, but history focused on one person: Queen of Fashion: What Marie Antoinette Wore to the Revolution, by Caroline Weber.

        The books of Mary Beard are extremely entertaining and historically rich!

    2. Overeducated*

      For social history, “The Wages of Whiteness” blew my mind. It’s about race ans industrialization in the 19th century northern US. “Sweetness and Power” is old but good too, maybe it’s a bit more economic history but with a social lens.

    3. Seeking Second Childhood*

      One big plug for Studs Terkel’s oral history “The Good War.”
      Also ask your librarian if your state has a system like mine where your card is good at other libraries too–here we just have to register in each new town to use many libraries. I use the one near my office as well as my home library.
      And by the sound of it if you’re a fast reader, Kindle Unlimited might be worth looking into.

      1. Valancy Snaith*

        I wish my card was good elsewhere! Sadly it is not, although I’m considering springing for the outsiders membership at the nearest city library 2 hours away to access their stuff as well.

        1. Cruciatus*

          That sucks that your library stopped providing ILLs. If you have a university nearby you are often allowed to get a public card and they may offer ILL services to you as well if they don’t have what you want. You won’t get as long a circulation date but ours is still longer than the local library’s dates! Apologies if you already thought of this.

          1. Valancy Snaith*

            Sadly there is no university within a couple of hours of me! I do have access to my alma mater, but again it’s hours from me.

    4. MMB*

      Sharon K Penman had a good series about the Plantagenets. I think Here Be Dragons and Sunne in Splendour were my favorites. Another amazing book that may be out of print by now is The Enduring Years.

      1. Something Blue*

        Seconding Sharon Penman! She’s my main suggestion if someone asks me for a rec, plus her books have a lot of female characters in them.

        Here Be Dragons focused as much on Joanna (daughter of King John and married off to a Welsh prince as part of a treaty) and her life in Wales as it did on King John and events in England.

        A couple more female authors are Elizabeth Chadwick and Gillian Bradshaw. They have both male and female protagonists in their books but more female characters than the traditional historical authors had.

        If you like fantasy too, you could try Judith Tarr. She has books that are primarily historical with some fantasy added and vice versa! (Fantasy novel with good historical setting)

    5. Foreign Octopus*

      Kindred by Octavia Butler; Gone with the Wind by Margaret Mitchell; Moloka’i by Alan Brennert (I love this book so much); and the Amelia Peabody series by Elizabeth Peters.

    6. library brain*

      It sounds like you are looking for ebooks only so it is generally rare that ebooks can be loaned via ILL because of the specific licenses that govern ebooks. Maybe your library still does ILL for print books. Sometimes if you have a state library system, you are able to get access to the materials they make available.

      1. Valancy Snaith*

        No, I am open to all books. And my provincial library system has discontinued all interlibrary loan. I’m pretty familiar with how it works, thanks!

        1. Beaded Librarian*

          I’m guessing you are in Canada? I heard about that. It’s being heavily discussed in one of my Library Facebook groups.

    7. Effie, who gets to be herself*

      I adore the historical fiction of authors Donna Jo Napoli and Linda Sue Parks

    8. Batgirl*

      Phillipa Gregory writes little else other than historical female figures. Most people like her royalty books (The Other Boleyn Girl, The White Princess) but I was completely enchanted with her Order of Darkness series which is entirely fictional. Set in medieval Italy, the characters are an Islamic-educated female warrior, a dispossessed noblewoman, a genius would-be monk, his streetwise groom and a church official. Together they investigate supernatural phenoma most of which can be explained by science.

  24. Audio Feedback*

    For other podcast listeners, does anyone else easily get turned off to a podcast by audio annoyances? I’ve always been someone who can’t stand certain noises (gum snapping, pen clicking, finger tapping) in real life but I can generally ignore it by tuning it out. With an audio only format like podcasts, it’s impossible to tune out those annoying sounds.

    So there have been podcasts I’ve given up on because of annoying sounds. One I stopped with, the host used the wood ‘like’ as a comma, sounding as though she was a stereotypical teenage valley girl. Another podcast, whenever the host interviewed guests, she gave a constant stream of ‘uh huh’s and ‘okay’s while the guest talked, I think to show she was listening. An online friend started a podcast that I want to support but he pounds the table for emphasis at the end of every sentence, which the microphone can easily pick up.

    I’ve talked with friends about these, have even played them clips, and most say they wouldn’t be bothered by it. I feel bad giving up on podcasts that I’ve heard great things about and really want to engage with but the audio ticks can drive me to insanity. Once I’m aware of them, it’s impossible for me to ignore it and it becomes all I can focus on. Does anyone else go through something similar with podcasts?

    1. Aleya*

      There’s a local radio station where the DJ has a mild lisp. I don’t mind lisps face-to-face, but for some reason, on the radio, I can’t stand it. I know he can’t help it, and I hate feeling ablest, but it just bothers me too much.

      1. Aleya*

        I still listen to the station, BTW. I just have to switch whenever the DJ talks for more than a few lines (introducing the next song, etc.). I’m also sensitive to noises like you are. I’m also bothered by guitar scratching, very high pitched notes, the sound of chewing, the sound of animals licking, etc. If you’re curious, “misophonia” is the name for being extremely sensitive to certain sounds.

    2. gecko*

      Oh yes. My biggest peeve is when a radio person or podcast person is talking very quietly with their microphone turned up—I hate both the voice quality of that and most of all I hate that the mic will often pick up squishy, spitty mouth sounds. Horrible.

      Gum chewing would also be gross, though I don’t know if I would mind tapping. But in general, yeah, I do want podcasts to have decent, clean audio.

      1. Texan In Exile AKA the gold digger who for a while was also The Candidate's Wife*

        I hate that about NPR – the too close to the mic sound.

      2. Pipe Organ Guy*

        Our local classical station has weekday announcers who speak clearly and project well into the microphone. Then there are the substitute announcers, some of whom speak by apparently swallowing all of their vowels and eliding words into incomprehensible mush. Thank goodness I’m not trying to listen to podcasts from them! Singers, especially trained singers, often seem to know how to work the microphone, and remember to project into the microphone. It really helps intelligibility!

    3. Zephy*

      There are certain podcasts I’ve decided I just can’t listen to in the car. The History of English podcast with Kevin Stroud is one of them. He’s great, it’s a very interesting podcast, but he hisses on /s/ sounds and I can’t stand it. It’s been 133 episodes, I’ve just accepted that he either won’t or can’t fix this problem. I’m not even sure if there’s anything he could do on his end, either in post or by changing the actual way he speaks. I can handle it if I’m, say, cooking and listening through my phone’s speakers, but in the car or through headphones at the gym it’s too loud and irritating.

      I also love Savor (fka Foodstuff) with Lauren Vogelbaum and Anney Reese, but Anney speak into the ****ing microphone please this is a food podcast not an ASMR fetish tape

    4. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Yes my husband can’t listen to a particular local radio show that I love because the woman says uh huh uh huh uh huh in the background so much. I find that one of the bloggers whose content I love I can’t listen to her podcast because she is Sloe speaking to the Pointe of driving me nuts. So it’s not just you!
      Also, a note to podcasters who lose their train of thought, just use a script already, so you can practice!

      1. Texan In Exile AKA the gold digger who for a while was also The Candidate's Wife*

        I make podcasts for my job. (As an amateur marketing person for internal use only.) It’s hard, because I record them over skype with someone I can’t see. I have had to train myself not to say, “uh huh” or give other audible feedback because it’s awful to listen to. But at the same time, I want the person I am interviewing to have some assurance that I am listening. (And I can’t edit out my sounds because it’s in the middle of what the interviewee is saying.)

        I spent an extra 10 minutes editing one draft because the person I interviewed had a lip-smacking sound every few seconds for the first minute or two before she got more comfortable. I didn’t want to hear it and I’m pretty sure nobody else did.

        Maybe, though, it’s a good thing that the skype sound quality isn’t that good! I would rather hear scratchy and distant than super quiet wet mouth sounds.

        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          Are you recording with two separate sound files, one for you and one for the guest? (I think Skype does it that way but I’m not positive.) If so, you can edit out the uh-huhs’ on your end without messing with the guest’s track.

          (When I was doing my podcast, I really tried to force myself to stay quiet while the guest was talking because I hate hate hate when people talk over each other on podcasts, and also think the stream of “uh huh” comes across really differently in a recording than it does it real life for some reason, but it is hard! I sometimes felt like I was being borderline rude to a guest by not giving any of those normal “I’m listening” cues that we do in normal conversations. And it’s even weirder when I’m a guest on someone else’s show where they do have a lot of cross-talk, because I Will Not Do It, but sometimes it definitely does feel unnatural to sit there silently when they have a more … effusive style. But I am convinced listeners appreciate it.)

          1. Texan In Exile AKA the gold digger who for a while was also The Candidate's Wife*

            I only get one audio file, but perhaps there is a setting I don’t know about. I will look for it – thanks!

          2. Something Blue*

            I appreciate it! I HATE cross talk! I want to tell people to wait their turn.

    5. Dan*

      Yeah.

      For the most part, I don’t like podcasts where there is only one speaker ever, and the speaker just speaks monotonously. I really need variation in intonation and what not, that’s my aural version of a paragraph break.

      But directly to the question… there’s a podcast out about entrepreneurship and growing small businesses. There’s some relatively big names in tech on there. But… damn I hate it. It’s trying to be hip and edgy, and inserts these high pitch audio “inflections” (whatever they’re called) at random spots that don’t do anything for the story arc. Words cannot describe just how much that grates on me — they are soooo distracting and annoying.

    6. Wishing You Well*

      There’s a podcaster who uses the word “like” multiple times in a sentence. When her guest also has that verbal tic, it’s “like” fingernails on a blackboard!

    7. Book Lover*

      I feel bad about this because I know it is considered a gendered thing, but there is one person on slate who has such bad vocal fry that I can’t listen to anything she is on (she is not routinely on any of my podcasts but an occasional guest on programs I listen to). I really don’t have a problem with vocal fry otherwise but this one person is too much for me. And I do feel guilty every time I delete a podcast because of it. Mostly I listen to pretty ‘professional’ podcasts so usually no issues.

    8. The Doctor is In*

      Bothers me a lot too! Worst thing for me is inconsistent sound volume requiring constant volume adjustment. Nope!

      1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        Yeah, the worst for me is a group podcast where some speakers are louder than others, so I can’t win on volume. This is something that can be solved with individual mics and good sound mixing, but a lot of amateur efforts are made by people who don’t really know much about sound mixing and may not really understand what to do and when to do it. Also, knowing when and how to talk over each other versus not. I suppose a lot of this is that these are skills that are not taught to most people formally, so they’re trying to figure it out on their own once they get into podcasting. (I learned a lot of this stuff as part of my college major, but I don’t think any of the gen ed classes would have covered it.)

    9. Mephyle*

      I’m sure it’s a kind of misophonia. That word is usually applied to abhorrence of eating noises, but why can’t it apply to any kind of annoying sound? Mine is people who make a smacking sound with their lips every time they open their mouth to talk. And I only notice it when it happens in podcasts, not in real life.

    10. Shayland*

      Yes. There are some podcast or youtubers I will not listen to because I don’t like their voice.

  25. Angwyshaunce*

    I have mostly lost touch with all of my friends over the past couple of years, due to a series of heavy (but not bad) life events – wedding reception, house selling, house buying, settling in, focusing on new hobbies, and a cold winter. Now I feel ready to start re-connecting with my friends.

    Sadly, a few months ago, one of my friends lost both of their parents in a horrific car accident. I was kept in the loop and attended the funeral (which they seemed grateful for), then went back to my self-imposed isolation.

    Now I want to reach out to my friend to catch up, but I’m not sure how to approach this. It would feel awkward bringing up something so painful, like mentioning it could re-open old wounds. On the other hand, *not* mentioning it seems really weird. The former clearly seems the right way to go, but I’m still not sure of how to word an initial message. I was thinking of keeping if vague, something like “Thinking of you, hope all is well…”

    Any advice?

    1. Ginger Sheep*

      As someone who went through a personal tragedy a few years ago, I would advise not writing “hope all is well” – I might have once exploded at a kind-hearted friend writing that exact same message that NO, all was not well, and was not going to be before quite some time, and that she was delusional in thinking anyone in my situation could be well, and that she could stuff her hopes where she thought. Not my proudest moment – I definitely alienated a friend – but it felt really liberating at the time.
      I would advise always asking open questions (how are you doing these days?) in that type of circumstances.

      1. Fey*

        Agreed. Not keen on “hope all is well”. It’s too simplifying. It glosses over what actually happened and doesn’t genuinely ask how the person is doing. Your hopes for your friend don’t matter here. What matters is how they really are, in their own words. And you gotta ask them, so they can tell you.

        I’d go with, “Hi Friend, I was just thinking of you and wondering how you were doing? I just wanted to let you know that I’m here if you need to talk.”

        None of that “I would love to catch up” because that’d be making it about you. And while it will certainly remind them of their tragedy, trust me, it’d be more painful if you were to pretend it didn’t happen.

        I lost my mum when I was 19, and it was a person I wasn’t close to who came to me with that approach, and I really opened up to her. I lapped up every opportunity I got to talk about mum and how I was feeling. I really appreciated that she was really there to listen, and not really offer advice or anything. Of course, YMMV. Your friend might not feel comfortable to talk at all, but at least you’d have really asked them how they were doing and offered a listening ear, which they’re free to take you up on or not.

    2. SpellingBee*

      Why not just write and say you’ve been thinking of them and would like to catch up? I don’t know if you typically got together with this friend in the past or mostly corresponded, but maybe suggest meeting for coffee or whatever. Honestly, they will know you haven’t forgotten their tragedy and will probably appreciate a low-key friendly message that isn’t about that.

    3. TL -*

      The thing I love about “How are you?” Is that it can be an opening for a heavy conversation or it can perfectly acceptably deflected into “really into table hockey lately.”

      But from someone who is a friend, it always comes off as sincere.

    4. Angwyshaunce*

      Great advice above, thank you. My social instincts have always been off, I appreciate these insights.

    5. Washi*

      I agree with the others – the initial message doesn’t have to be anything beyond “I’ve been thinking about you and was wondering if you’d like to get together.”

      When you get together, I think the approach should depend on the friend’s personality and how close you are, but in my experience, a lot of people would appreciate if you brought it up in a low key way, so they know you’re open to talking about it. The accident was only a few months ago, so I’m sure it’s constantly on their mind anyway, but they may feel hesitant to bring it up themselves. When my friend’s mom died, she said one of the most frustrating things was that when she would bring up her mom, people would get weird and awkward and fumblingly try to change the subject.

      The other thing I’m wondering about is whether your friend may feel sad that you haven’t been more in touch. If you’ve been out of touch with friends for a few years prior, it makes it less likely, but grief can be very isolating and just bear in mind that your friend may have been feeling very alone for the past few months if other friends have also been out of touch for various reasons. (Again, I don’t know based on your post, but just something to think about.)

    6. Call me St. Vincent*

      Agree with everyone else. I would say “how are you doing? I’ve been thinking of you.” Then let it naturally develop with getting together.

    1. Jules the 3rd*

      Cat with its nose in a cat toy; the cat toy is similar to an old feather duster.

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        Yes, it’s one of those wands with a bunch of feathers at the end of it. He and Sophie both carry them around using their mouths, and they like you to throw them across the room and then they fetch them.

        1. Ethyl*

          Awwwww my Gus plays fetch! And Shawn (can you tell what TV show we really like lol) carries around her stuffed sheep and stuffed bird…..by their throats! It’s hilarious and adorable.

        2. Oof picture*

          Wow, my wake-up eyesight is so terrible – I thought I saw several cats on some sort of furniture or pile. Now I can see it, and he is so cute! I get it now!

  27. Lucette Kensack*

    Alison, how many books do you read in a year? I’m so impressed that you have one to reccomend every week. (I aim to read 75+ books a year, but that doesn’t add up to 52 I’d commend to others!)

    1. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Usually one to two a week. I read in bed before I go to sleep, which sometimes results in me being awake far too late. I am VERY ANTSY when I am in between books and don’t know what I’m going to read next.

      And yeah, there are definitely ones I wouldn’t recommend to others! (This week: Good Neighbors, by Joanne Serling. Disturbing, and not in a good way.)

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Oooh, I just googled that and now I want to read it. (I’m a longtime horror fan so disturbing is old hat to me, LOL.)

      2. The Doctor is In*

        I usually have about 3 books going at once so little risk of having nothing to read.

    2. Mephyle*

      Before I saw Doctor’s comment, I was about to ask, who usually has multiple books on the go? Well, I’m asking it anyway.
      Me: it varies, but it’s usually more or less three: a new-to-me paper book, a new-to-me e-book, and a comfort re-read (might be either paper or e). And there’s always the 4th book in the background, the Moby Dick that’s been hanging around for years and I’m still just on Chapter 3. It’s not literally Moby Dick; in my case, it’s a teen-age zombie book in my second language, but reading in another language is hard work for me, whereas reading in English is no work at all.

    3. Lena Clare*

      One week (off work) I read 13 books.
      It was great. I didn’t get much sleep though.

  28. AvonLady Barksdale*

    This has been quite a week in my house! All good things, though. On Monday, my partner got the final offer from the federal job he’d been negotiating with, then on Tuesday he defended his dissertation! Unconditional pass. I am so, so proud of him; it’s been a long five years and he’s had so many obstacles thrown at him, but he came through it all beautifully. Now he can exhale. We’re definitely moving (no more 98.645%!), and while that’s stressful, I’m looking so forward to it. We’re both looking forward to him having a job with a higher-than-student income!

    In addition to all of that, today is his birthday. We’ve both been too stressed out to even think about it, but we went to a baseball game last night and today some friends are joining us for afternoon beers at one of our favorite spots. He’s getting a present from me after we move (a new suit). Not too shabby, in the end.

    1. Seeking Second Childhood*

      He passed his dissertation and it’s his birthday? Hey its Saturday — that sounds like a great excuse for a bottle of bubbly even if it’s “just” in front of a DVD.
      Good for both of you!

  29. Time for a change*

    Hey there and happy weekend! I’m graduating in December with a degree in communications and may be looking to relocate down to Florida to be closer to my family once I graduate. My options are Jax, Orlando(would prefer the suburbs though), or Port Orange. Any locals have any thoughts? Port Orange is up there for me. It’s just me and my husband and we are both in our mid-upper 20s. He works from home so it’s just me that will be needing to find work. Thanks!

    1. Zephy*

      I lived in Port Orange in the latter aughts and recently went back to visit family that still live there. The area appears to have recovered from the Great Recession, although I didn’t know it before that, and I was a teenager for most of my time living there.

      Port Orange has the lowest COL of your three options, so that’s something to consider. There isn’t a lot to do within PO proper, and most any worthwhile entertainment is going to be at least a 15-20 minute drive, but that’s not horrible. It’s also largely not walkable, but neither are Jax or Orlando. I was probably more sheltered than I think I was, but it seemed like a fairly safe area to live; you rarely see stories from Port Orange on r/floridaman, after all. I don’t know about job prospects for you because I don’t know your field. If you and your hubs are planning on kids, I will say that historically Volusia County (where Port Orange is) ranked almost dead last for education spending in the state. That situation could have changed in the last ten years, and may still change between now and when any hypothetical kids you have would actually start school, but it is something to consider as well.

      2. Time for a change*

        Appreciate that! No kids nor do we want any, so while school systems will be in Consideration for purposes of resale, we don’t much care otherwise :)

    2. Lilo*

      I grew up in Orlando and I think the city is getting a lot more interesting. But it is still very suburban and not at all walkable.

    3. Heather*

      I live in Tampa now but lived in the Orlando area for about 8 years and really loved it. I first lived right by the airport (do not recommend), then moved to Winter Springs and stayed for several years, lived in Apopka briefly, and in Lake Mary for about a year. I also worked in Lake Mary for 5 years. I definitely recommend Seminole county if you go with the Orlando suburbs, or if you can afford it and like the restaurant/bar/walking/farmers markets lifestyle, Winter Park. I haven’t spent much time in Jax but I worked briefly in the Daytona area and I found it to be less desirable than Orlando. It just depends on what you’re looking for because the Port Orange area is much more beachy (obviously) so it’s just a different kind of vibe than Orlando. Good luck!

  30. Overeducated*

    Finally under contract for a house…and we’re deciding whether to terminate under the inspection contingency. Has anyone else had this happen as buyer or seller? Is it normal, or kind of a Big Bad Thing where it destroys your reputation on some agent grapevine and no one else will want to buy/sell with you?

    I feel awful about this because we knew it was priced low due to needing some work, but inspection and a bunch of estimates indicate that the *known* needs might cost more than the top amount we are willing to put into repairs. Our agent is asking if we should negotiate with the seller, but the gap between the few thousand they might throw in and the worst case cost scenario is really big (even though for best case it’s quite manageable, the estimates vary THAT much). This is exactly what contingencies are for, but we’re still torn since we really may not find another house we can afford where we want to move. We also feel a bit like jerks for pursuing this house for basically a month if we’re not going to ultimately buy it. We could make it work, it’ll just be a big commitment and not necessarily a deal like we thought. Thoughts?

    1. Penguin*

      This is a normal thing! That’s literally why the inspection contingency is there- to give the buyer an out if the inspection uncovers something major that the buyer isn’t willing to take on.

    3. Wishing You Well*

      Because you would be terminating for VERY GOOD REASONS, your reputation with real estate agents will be fine. Please do what’s best for you.

    4. Autumnheart*

      Totally normal, and even if it hurt someone’s feelings, that is nothing compared to the financial commitment you’re making. Home buying negotiations have a closing period for this reason, to inspect the house and make sure everyone’s on board with the details.

      The sellers know what has to be repaired. If they want to sell their house, they’ll need to be up-front about the issues and then find someone willing to take it on. It’s not on you to make it work for them. You’re spending hundreds of thousands of dollars of your next 360 paychecks, damn right you want a house that isn’t going to surprise you with a boatload of expensive problems. Don’t feel bad about being firm.

    5. Book Lover*

      We backed out on one because of the inspection. Cost on time and also the cost of the inspection but I don’t have many regrets (that said, the house we bought ended up having major expensive issues we weren’t aware of but still).

      1. Book Lover*

        Oh, also – now they have had an inspection the sellers should be disclosing all the issues that were found so it may be worth discussing price again but as you said, sometimes repairs cost more than expected so even a price reduction can be insufficient.

        1. Overeducated*

          Yeah, it did turn out seller credit was an option, and if the low end of the repair estimates we got was accurate it could have worked out…but the high end would still have been too much for us. We are backing out because we just weren’t excited enough about the house to take on that level of risk.

          I know any house can have expensive hidden issues, but that makes it seem even more important not to spend all your money on big ones that are known up front – more may lie beneath! Glad you had no regrets.

    6. ThatGirl*

      We ended up not buying a house after the inspection. There were some potentially really serious problems we just weren’t prepared to deal with (and didn’t really trust the sellers to take care of) and so we threw in the towel. But it really depends on your own comfort level, and how much you want that particular house.

    7. Not A Manager*

      Absolutely terminate. In my experience, even houses that pass inspection are a sink-hole for money. Unless they’re going to sell it for an “as is” price, which it sounds like they are not, it’s too big of a risk.

    8. LibbyG*

      You submitted a bid in good faith, assessed the inspection findings in good faith. Nothing jerky about it.

    9. Joielle*

      Add me to the chorus of people who backed out of a house offer because of the inspection. We found worrying evidence of likely-ongoing water damage in the finished basement and eventually asked our inspector straight out if we should go through with it. He said “honestly, if you were my grandkids looking at this house, I’d tell you not to buy it” and that was that. It wasn’t a big deal – someone else will come along who’s willing to take the risk.

    10. Cruciatus*

      I’m sorry it ended up not working out. But you’re definitely legally, ethically, morally allowed to not take this on if you don’t want it! It’s early in the season and hopefully another house will be around the corner (though I gotta say, I admit I hated hearing this when it was me–but in the end, another was actually was around the corner…).

    11. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I did it! The seller was not keen on negotiating the price even though the place needed significant work. Not a problem at all for our agent. We found the right place a week later and it was a breeze in comparison.

    12. Overeducated*

      Thanks everyone! I really appreciate the reassurance. I’m not going through with it, and now know a bit more about what to look for in terms of condition after a very thorough inspection, at least.

    13. Lcsa99*

      It’s totally normal. We found a co-op that had a few warning signs we were ignoring, but when the inspection came back and showed us that there was one breaker shared between two apartments, while our old one, which was around 150sq smaller had two on units own, we just told out agent that after the inspection we couldn’t in good conscious move forward. No one batted an eye and we just kept looking.

    14. I'm A Little Teapot*

      I backed out of a house contract due to the inspection. While I’m ok with some issues, the house had a serious structural issue. As long as you’re not backing out because of truly piddly things, you’re probably fine.

  31. Lc*

    Confession: I didn’t realise Doris Day was still alive until they announced she’d died.

    1. Chocolate Teapot*

      I know what you mean. I thought the same about Denis Norden, who passed away last September, aged 96.

    3. Lora*

      Same, but IM Pei. I met him once when I was in college and he was elderly then, so I just assumed he must have died.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Tim Conway had been very ill for quite some time. I think he had dementia. :(

        1. Kuododi*

          Specifically, he had Normal Pressure Hydrocephalus. It causes cognitive deterioration, incontinence, and equilibrium difficulties. (The expression is “wet, wacky and wobbly.”) The only thing that can really be done from my understanding is to install a shunt to drain fluid. (It’s often confused for Alzheimer’s.). One of my family is dealing with NPH. The shunt has been helpful with the incontinence and balance issues. It isn’t, however terribly effective with cognitive limitations. Hope this helps.

          1. Elizabeth West*

            Oh, I didn’t know that–I hadn’t heard of that before. Sorry your family member is ailing.

    7. Femme d'Afrique*

      This is weird, because I said the exact same thing to a friend of mine when I read about her death!

  32. Bidet issues*

    Ok this is a weird one but…my husband and I got a bidet attachment for our toilet after reading lots of reviews that it helps save toilet paper. It’s the kind that attaches to the seat and is in a fixed position, not a movable handheld thing. We’ve had it for a while, and it just doesn’t seem to really do much besides getting us wet. We pull the lever and it squirts the water, and I guess the poo does come away a little easier, but we’re using about the same amount of toilet paper. Based on what I’d read online, I thought it would kind of hose us off completely and the toilet paper would just be to pat ourselves dry. I’ve tried upping the water pressure, but that feels uncomfortable!

    Any advice? Are we doing it wrong? Do you get used to the higher intensity needed to really squirt off the poo?

    1. Angwyshaunce*

      We have that kind. I use a pretty high pressure, and just use a few sheets to dry. The high pressure is weird at first, but you should get used to it pretty quickly. I also, um, wiggle around a bit to get full coverage.

    2. Karen from Finance*

      You get used to the higher intensity needed, yup. But also, you need to, in, use your hands. You may use soap as well. The purpose is to clean yourself like you would in the shower.

      Then, yes, you pat yourself dry with toilet paper or towels.

      1. Fey*

        THIS. Southeast Asian Muslim here, and that’s what our left (only the left!) hand is primarily used for. Then just use soap to clean the heck out of that hand. I promise you it all goes away. (Recommended to also keep your fingernails short to prevent from hurting yourself and stuff getting in it.) It’s routine for us – though I can appreciate that it would be weird for those who are not used to touching their dirty butt with their hand.

        1. Karen from Finance*

          I’m Latin American and this is how I’ve always done it too, but I just asked my s.o. and he says he doesn’t use his hands at all so I guess it depends on comfort levels. There’s always antibacterial soap for washing hands.

          1. fposte*

            Mostly there isn’t antibacterial soap anymore in the U.S. The FDA banned OTC soaps with the main antibacterial ingredient in 2017.

            1. Bidet issues*

              Hmm so I am open to scrubbing with my hand but does this mean that the soap won’t get the bacteria off after?

              1. Karen from Finance*

                It will. Normal soap gets bacteria off just fine. Antibacterial soap kills some bacteria as well as getting it off your skin. Which is overkill really, as soap gets it off you and down the drain.

                1. Elizabeth West*

                  Yes, the common ingredient in antibacterial soap was unnecessary to get germs off and it contributes to antibiotic resistance.

                2. Karen from Finance*

                  Okay so thanks to this conversation I told my s.o. that we need to stop buying antibacterial soap because apparently it’s bad, only to find out that he has been buying replacing the one in the bathroom with regular soap for a while already.

                  So.. okay then.

              2. Elf*

                No, regular soap is excellent at killing bacteria. Antibacterial soap causes problems because it leads to drug resistance in bacteria, and it is almost universally unnecessary (exceptions being things like scrubbing for surgery). The regular soap will do the job, I promise, just be thorough.

    3. Laura H.*

      You might be able to reposition the nozzle into another of preset positions… check your manual. I have one of those and in college I had one with the moving apparatus (as a side note, I like the first model I had better and regret not asking if I could keep it- it was installed in my university-owned apartment by maintenance and I never bothered to see who paid for the thing. Such is life though!)

      But yeah check the manual and see.

    4. Rainy*

      I have that kind, and yes, I use a pretty high intensity. The first couple of times it was like OH GOD WHAT IS THAT but now it’s routine. You still need toilet roll, but you do tend to use less. The big thing is make sure you have the nozzle positioned so it’s spraying directly on your, excuse my frankness, butthole. If it’s off by more than a few cm either way it just gets you wet and doesn’t do much else. My unit has a little attitude adjustment dial, and then once that’s correct, it stays in that position and you only have to use the dial for the spray.

  33. MOAS*

    I need y’all to hype me up to be responsible

    I got a significant to me amt of cash for my bday.

    Part of me is like, TREAT YOSELF but then the adult me takes over and is like CTFD. I’ve always been a shopaholic but the last 18 months have been so hard (and I guess my stress/depression manifests Itself in shopping). Anyway, I’m finally earning enough that I can have the lifestyle I want and still save a good amount so long as I control myself.

    Anyway, so it’s “birthday money” so I want to do something responsible yet more significant than chucking it into the savings account. Idk.

    1. Zephy*

      Outstanding credit card balance? Pay that down first, that’s probably your highest-interest debt right now.

      If you have anything left over after that, treat yo self.

    2. AvonLady Barksdale*

      When I got a very large amount of cash for my birthday, I took my friends out. Paid for a karaoke party. Worth it.

      Anyway, how about a compromise? How about putting half towards your bills (or in a savings account) and half towards something awesome?

    3. Ethyl*

      Why not split it in thirds? One third for savings or into your retirement, one third for donating to your favorite charity, and one third as fun money? That way you can have fun, plus get the warm fuzzies from saving Like A Freaking Adult and bonus warm fuzzies from donating to a good cause!

      1. Forestdweller*

        Yes! This is a great way to go. You feel like a champ for doing the adult thing, you feel like a decent human for donating to a worthy cause, and you still get to YOLO. Happy birthday!

      1. Thursday Next*

        Yep, or making a third category of charitable donation as suggested above.

        It doesn’t need to be an equal division—you can prioritize saving or splurging; you can decide on a 10% donation…from your post it sounds like you will feel better if you save at least some of it.

    5. Square Root Of Minus One*

      If you have a high-interest credit card balance, I agree with Zephy that’s the way to go.
      I don’t think savings are boring, BTW. Just the opposite : they open up a world of possibilities for future you.
      Alternatively, you have the option to just sit on it for some time until the excitement cools down (say, a month) and then you decide what you want to do?

    6. Joielle*

      I say half to savings or credit card balance if you have one, and spend the rest on something ridiculous. Happy birthday! Treat yoself (a little)!

      Or if you want to do something fun but responsible-ish, maybe some kind of home/apartment upgrade? Small renovation project? We bought a bunch of Philips Hue smart lights when my husband’s parents gave us money for Christmas a while ago and although they are a little silly, they make the house look awesome and I love them.

    7. Anono-me*

      Sometimes with extra money, I want to be frivolous, but feel like I need to be responsible. So I am responsible with most of the money (savings or bills or maintenance) and take $10.00 and go to the dollar store or the thrift store or a rummage sale and am frivolous with it. (If I see a practical necessity for a great price at the thrift store our rummage sale I do get it, but it does not count as part my $10.00 of frivolous money.)

      If it is gift money, I do try and use it to pay for something practical that I need, like a new winter coat or a new lunch pail etcetera. That way I have something I can show the gift giver.

      ( By the way for those of you who are going to have your first winter in a cold climate area, now is the time to shop for winter gear, most stores are clearing out their inventory and are at the 75 to 90% off sale level.)

    8. Policy wonk*

      I agree with other posters – split it into pots. I’split it into thirds. 1/3 paying off any debt, 1/3 savings, 1/3 fun. I also recommend reading Michelke Singletary in The Washington Post. (Color of Money column and weekly chat).

      And Happy Birthday!

    9. Not So NewReader*

      If you really want to spend it, think about your needs for the upcoming year. This could be the fridge that is on its last legs, or new tires for winter. I’d let myself buy something “extra” if I knew everything was covered for at least the next 6 months, but you can set your own time frame if you go this route.

      I will say this, income can be good and we can be tossing money in the bank, then that unforeseen happens. Perhaps it costs a grand or two. It’s nice to have the known upcoming expenses covered when these unforeseens pop up.

    10. Kuododi*

      DH and I had a similar situation some time ago. His grandparents had given a large chunk of $$ to each grandkid. (They were dear, lovely people who scrimped all their lives. Once they got into the twilight years they actually sat down and realized they had saved oodles more than they could have imagined. Thus the gift to each grandkid.) DH and I decided to take a small amount and have a bit of fun. We then took the rest of the $$ we were given and paid off as much debt as we could accomplish. Hope this helps and Happy Birthday!!!

    11. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      I used to use birthday money windfalls as my “fun money” emergency fund for the rest of the year. My family tends to give cash, so I’d keep all of my birthday money in the cards on a shelf, and then when I wanted something frivolous and not in the budget for the rest of the year, I’d go see if I had any birthday money left to spend on it. This let me splurge on occasional concerts/fan things/etc. that weren’t in my budget but were “now or never” things throughout the year without using my regular savings account for them since they weren’t really “emergencies” but rather “opportunities”.

      (I am now at a place in my life where I tend to have more “fun” money in my budget than many of the relatives who still give me cash gifts, so the relative significance of the amounts have changed and now it tends to be more “bailing me out when I don’t have time to go to the ATM to get cash that day, and I will tell grandma it instead funded this neat thing I was already going to buy with my fun money instead.”)

    12. Minocho*

      I like to designate 10% or so of any significant to “fun money”. No responsibility at all on how I spend it. The rest goes to savings, paying something off, etc. But just having a little nod to “Just have fun with it! Get that silly thing you wanted but you know is off budget!” helps me easily be responsible with the rest.

  34. Jessen*

    Ok this cat is driving me up a wall. Why is it that just about every single scratching post is covered with sisal? I’ve never had a cat that wanted anything to do with sisal. This one doesn’t like cardboard either. And while we’re at it, why does it seem to be a rule that 95% of all cat products must come in some shade of beige? We can’t get some nice black in there?

    I’m trying to take a cat that’s been indoor-outdoor to indoor only, which probably isn’t helping. She’s sweet, but she’s a handful. With my hours I probably wasn’t the best placement for her, but as an older cat who had to be rehomed on short notice that’s probably what you get. I think it’ll work out eventually, but it’s definitely giving me a hard time in the meantime.

    1. Ethyl*

      If you get a staple gun and a cheap piece of industrial carpet remnant from Home Depot, you could take the sisal off and recover with something in a better color (black or gray maybe? we have a roll of a nice chocolate brown) and your cats may like it better! Plus once you have a big old chunk of carpet remnant, you can keep recovering once the carpet is all torn up :)

      1. Slartibartfast*

        I was going to suggest making your own cat tree from scratch but I like this idea better!

        1. Jessen*

          Yeah I like the idea of making my own cat tree from scratch in theory. In practice I really doubt it would happen. Although I’ve also been considering (for horizontal scratching) buying like a wooden crate and stapling some carpet remnant on top.

          1. Ethyl*

            My staple gun was the best investment I’ve made! I love it! And I guess the cats love it too :)

          2. Ethyl*

            Ooh also, I’ve had great luck getting cat trees at garage and estate sales. That plus Mr. Staple Gun = happy cats and non-beige decor!

      2. Blue Bunny*

        Generally, you are supposed to glue the carpet because staples can catch and rip claws. We used C clamps to hold the rug while the glue cured.

      1. Joielle*

        Oh, maybe one tiny bit of advice. Do you think she would like an actual tree branch to scratch? My dad once made me a cat tree out of an actual birch tree he cut down and the cats like to scratch the base part that’s just like a log. It might be more work than you’re looking for, but maybe if you found a big branch or log you could rig up a way to stabilize it in a corner or something for her to scratch?

      2. TheFacelessOldWomanWhoSecretlyLivesinYour House*

        Oh, there are gorgeous cat trees out there but you will pay. Kittycatcondos, Hollywood kitty, and more.

        1. Joielle*

          Yeah, that’s true. I guess I meant ones that don’t cost more than my actual human furniture, haha.

          1. Jessen*

            Yes, I admit that as someone who considers pier 1 furniture a splurge, I cringe a bit at the price tags!

  35. AmeliaAnhedonia*

    Thanks everyone for the advice from last week. https://www.askamanager.org/2019/05/weekend-free-for-all-may-11-12-2019.html#comment-2470964 My depression has lessened a bit, and I am trying to double down on my self care so the anhedonia lets up and I can make better decisions. I’ve had some good meals, gotten out of the house, saw my therapist (it went okay, but there were a couple of things that made me feel like she’s not the right fit for me, though I’m going to give her a few more sessions), and did some cleaning (that actually made me feel better the most). The biggest hurdle I’m facing right now is trying to get some decent sleep.

    I’ve always been a night owl, and my (admittedly maladaptive) response to stress has been to stay up very late. However, recently it has gotten seriously out of control. For instance, often when I do go to sleep at a decent time, I wake up in less than 3 hours and can’t get back to sleep. I’ve tried to make myself lay down, but just when I start to feel sleepy and drift off, I’ll need to go to the bathroom or feel super hungry/thirsty and become wide awake after getting up to deal with those things. There are a lot of contributing factors, but I’m finding myself in several vicious cycles and don’t know what steps to take to break them.

    Part of it is my anxiety – if I go to bed before I’m too tired to think, I end up stressing myself out and even sometimes have a panic attack. I’m not in panic-attack-mode at the moment, but I do get waves of such intense anxiety that it’s almost painful to stay laying down.

    Another part is sleep apnea – I’ve been diagnosed but not yet fitted for a CPAP. I know I need one, but honestly, they seriously freak me out. I don’t want to go into details, but I have a serious phobia of anesthesia and the CPAP mask is just too similar. The mere thought of wearing one makes me start crying.

    I also need to unwind after work, but either I never reach the point of “unwound” or I end up blowing off steam in a way that leaves me wide awake. I often get home from work around midnight, but during the past week I haven’t gotten to bed before 9am, sometimes as late as noon or 2pm (I go into work between 5 and 7). Like I said before, I’m not really enjoying anything, so there’s not much stress relief happening.

    Additionally, I constantly feel like I haven’t accomplished anything at the end of the day. Even though I do a lot of things (work, housework, taking care of my dog, etc.), it all feels like “maintenance” and that it doesn’t count. I feel like I need to do something else, something meaningful or significant, but often I’m too tired to actually do anything.

    It sounds awful, but the one thing that I find engaging right now is, well, online discussions/arguments. I like to debate, I like to write persuasively, and I enjoy the challenge of matching wits with others and seeing how my beliefs hold up to other perspectives. I’m not mean, and I don’t use ad hominem attacks or troll, but it’s certainly stressful when other people do. The real pleasure in it is just getting my thoughts out on paper exactly how I want them. I can get really absorbed in it and spend hours on a single response, shaping my argument until it’s the best possible arrangement of words and ideas to express my perspective. Lately I’ve been drawn to discussions about OCD (something else I have), trying to educate other people and debunk falsehoods. I know it’s not the most healthy activity, but over these last few weeks, these discussions have been one of the few things that makes me feel interested and excited to do them. Eventually, I do reach a point where I’m tired of them or just give up on a particular comment chain, but I always manage to find another that fires me up again. I try to be aware of my emotional state when I’m debating and do it when it feels good to write, not when I’m angry at the other person or feel like I have to write or they’ll “win”. If I feel like I’ve written well (which is pretty often), I often will feel satisfied and ready to sleep – it’s very good for scratching the “meaningful/productive” itch. However, it can take many hours to reach that point, causing me to stay up when I would have gone to bed.

    Above all else, the hardest part is that I just don’t want to go to sleep. I’m never done with the day; I don’t want it to end yet. I know that sounds childish, but that’s how I feel most days. Sometimes I’m afraid of tomorrow starting and want to delay my experience of it, but mostly I just don’t feel satisfied with how the current day has gone. Unfortunately, it’s hard to think of anything that’s interesting or enjoyable that I could have done instead.

    If anyone has any advice for getting out of this rut, that would be great.

    1. LibbyG*

      I’m so glad you’re seeing some daylight, AmAn! I think it makes perfect sense that an intellectual task like debating brings you enjoyment. I hope things get even better.

    2. Lilysparrow*

      I’m glad you are starting to make progress!

      I use a CPAP, and there are a number of different types of air-delivery fittings that are not like a mask. You might be more comfortable with a nasal pillow, for example. It doesn’t cover your face at all. You might also find it helpful to walk through the process of setting up the machine, filling the humidifier, etc. You are 100 percent in charge of wearing it, turning it on and off, and so forth. That experience of being in control of the machine could be reassuring.

      If you talk to the doctor and tech who is going to fit you, they will let you go through all the steps to get familiar, take it apart and put it together, and hold or look at packaging for different types of fittings to see which one you want to try.

      You will not be the first patient they have seen with anxiety about the mask! It’s very common, and getting patients comfortable enough to actually use the machine is a key part of treating apnea successfully.

      I hope you are able to use it, because it makes such an enormous difference in your mental health. Every time you have a cessation in your breathing, your whole body is flooded with stress hormones. Combined with the sleep deprivation, it’s exacerbating your depression and anxiety more than you realize.

      After a couple of nights – or even a few stretches of more sleep than you’re used to — everything else starts to get easier.

      Best wishes, I know how hard it is to feel so low for a long time. Fingers crossed for you.

    3. Something Blue*

      Hi! I’ve definitely had the feeling I didn’t want to go to bed bc I wasn’t finished with the day yet. But I needed to be.

      Do you like audiobooks? Sometimes I go to bed, turn the light out, and then listen to an audiobook. So I’m “doing something” but I’m in the right place to fall asleep.

      Sometimes this is enough to make me drowsy enough to fall asleep.
      If not, then at least I’ve heard a good book and maybe crossed it off my to-do list.

    4. Reba*

      I have not had experiences as severe as you, but I do definitely stay up too late, sometimes have a hard time sleeping, and I definitely, definitely know the feeling of lying there in the dark feeling worse and worse.

      Some things that have helped me with that is to remind myself that even lying in bed awake is better for me than getting back up and puttering all night. At least you are resting your body, eyes, etc. and that matters. Sometimes if your thoughts are really circling it can help to sit up and write a few down and coach yourself “I’m writing this down so I can set this aside for now. Now I can stop thinking it for tonight.”

      For a while I did try a pretty rigid sleep hygiene routine. It wasn’t really sustainable for me but it did get me out of the delaying habits like “oh I think I’m hungry,” “Oh I have to pee” — all that stuff was taken care of. I would set an alarm to start getting ready for bed, then set a timer for me to read for x minutes before sleeping.

      You can keep a carafe of water and a glass in your bedroom, and if you do need to get up (some people do, you don’t have to get precisely 8 hours continuously) try to go to the bathroom or whatever without turning on the lights, using nightlights or minimal lighting. Basically don’t take yourself out of sleeping mode even though you got up to see to whatever the urge is.

      Good luck and thanks for checking back in!

    5. Shayland*

      I went on a small dose of a benzodiazepine for a short time in order to help reset my sleep. I may need to go back on it, I’m having similar issues to you.
      Otherwise, sleep hygiene and meditation.
      1. The bed is only for sleeping. Do not read or work or play on the computer in bed, ect.
      2. No where else is for sleeping. No napping on the sofa.
      3. Avoid day napping.
      4. Try to sleep for 20 minutes, say, by playing a relaxing meditation. If you are still awake get up and do something that does not involve screens for 10 minutes. Then try to sleep again. Repeat as needed. (This is part of training your brain to only think of the bed as a place for sleeping.)

  36. Lilo*

    I finally got off a daycare waitlist for my son. I had to be on it for a year! It’s still really expensive and I am still hoping that I can get off the waitlist at my subsidized work daycare.

    I don’t know how anyone does it. The only daycare that didn’t have a 6 month waiting list at least in my area also had some really nasty reports and I could not in good conscience send my kid there.

    Childcare is just impossible.

    1. Forestdweller*

      It really is completely insane. When our daughter was little, we ended up paying an obscene amount of money because we just could not stomach everything that came along with the affordable options. I don’t know how many times I went over the numbers because it so nearly made sense to just stay home.

    2. Ranon*

      I think we’re still “on the wait-list” for a place that told us they would have availability when my kiddo was 9 months (he’s now 2.5 years)- pretty sure they just dropped us off the list without telling us, but still…

      Luckily we’re now at a place that’s closer to our house, does food, costs less, and has an awesome community of parents and teachers, but the infant care scramble was awful.

    3. Pink Dinosaur*

      I’m the director of a childcare center and we typically have waitlist for half of our classrooms. What I have found on my end is sometimes the kids age up to the next room while still on a waitlist for the previous. These times I didn’t have their actual birthdate to make the accommodation as soon as possible. Sometimes calling in periodically expressing interest and seeing how far your child’s name has moved on the list is beneficial. If you have called a few months after your initial visit and your name hasn’t moved, I would have questions. Different children age out of rooms at different points. Also, there are times when families have to pull their children such as they can no longer afford it, relocating, or other unforeseen circumstances.

    4. CJ1S*

      It really is impossible! I called over 10 places while I was pregnant before I found an opening for a newborn – some of them had waitlists more than a year out for newborns, which REALLY didn’t make sense to me (were people calling in before they were even pregnant??). I only got lucky because it was a well-reviewed chain of daycares opening a new location. Opposite direction of work and my parents helped fund it. With our second child, I became a stay at home mom because it just didn’t make any financial/lifestyle sense to deal with it x2.

      All to say: I sympathize, I wish you good luck, and I hope we can all do better as a society to support parents and children.

    5. I edit everything*

      We made the idea of the expense easier by thinking to ourselves: Once he’s out of daycare, we’ll be so used to not having the money, we’ll just keep putting the same amount into his college fund. It didn’t really work out that way, due to other life changes, but it was a helpful perspective.

    6. Maya Elena*

      Consider having an individual caregiver, e.g. from Care.com, come to your house instead. Sites like that can also shepherd you through all the legal issues (paying them, W2s, etc.), reference checks, and such.
      If the daycare is that expensive, you might be able to find a more affordable per-hour rate for someone to come to your house. This is especially good for small children before they need to be socialized. You can also customize your ad and see if the person who comes might also help you with light house-work, like tidying or dishes, or making baby food in a blender.

      1. Lilo*

        I looked into it, and in my big city you’d be lucky to find someone for less than $3000/month. I looked into a nanny share and it was still 2500/month.

    7. Sh’Dynasty*

      Agree! It’s like paying for college in my area! I wish terribly it didn’t cost as much as it does.

  37. No Mercy Percy*

    Hey Critters! How long have you been watching, and how did you first discover Critical Role?

    I’ve been watching since spring 2018. I discovered it when the cast was at C2E2 2018. Around that same time the cosplayer Ginny Di, who I’ve followed for years, started cosplaying Jester. Those two things pushed me to watch, and I’ve been hooked ever since.

    1. Smol Book Wizard*

      Some of my tumblr follows around the beginning of C2 began to talk of it, and I shamelessly read spoilers until… uh… That Thing Happened… which was about when bestfriend was really getting into it too… so it was a combination of factors. It’s rather odd, but this isn’t the first fandom that I really started to pay attention to once something terrible happened in the storyline. High stakes can be nervous-making, but on the whole I like a story that makes people care hard, even if it hurts sometimes.
      I used C2 as coping during a crud-awful semester fall 2018. When I was “too tired” to even listen to CritRole I knew I definitely needed help… and thankfully was able to get it. I’m caught up now, though my Thursday nights usually don’t permit livewatching, so I get to it on Monday-Tuesdayish.
      Bestfriend and I are plotting cosplay. She’s been learning embroidery and trying to figure out the best deal on mulberry red cloth online, and I’m trying to… well, you see my username. :)

      1. No Mercy Percy*

        That sounds awesome! I’ll be cosplaying as Percy at Denver Pop Culture Con and get to meet Taliesen :)

    2. Ariaflame*

      I think it popped up on my YT list a couple of times and eventually I figured, having seen about it elsewhere that I would give it a try and got hooked. That was I think August or September 2016? I binge watched over the Christmas break and caught up the next year. (One of the Liam One Shots was my first live watch).

      It has helped me a lot over the past few years. Speaking of which, I should finish watching this week’s episode (combination of clash of work and D&D live taking up the weekend)

    3. Minocho*

      A member of my group posted a link to the Kickstarter, and so I just started listening to the second campaign’s podcast. And MAN, was I hooked. I’ve always been a sucker for a story, and am a huge TTRPG nerd. I really enjoy DMing, though playing is fun too, and it’s really encouraged me to up my roleplay and do some things they do in their game to encourage players to get deeper into character.

      I’m trying to convert a Pathfinder game into 5E for our group’s next campaign. I’ve got so much invested in Pathfinder, but 5E is so approachable. I love 3.5 and Pathfinder’s complexity; I’m a numbers, systems and rules nerd (software engineer) after all! But 5E has really grown on me, and I’m excited to give it a try.

      Good luck on the cosplay! Excited by the new cosplay of the week happening soon! Can’t wait to see that stuff! I really enjoy the art. Haven’t sent in any of my own fanart – work is crazy, and my own character portraits take priority!

    4. Stormfeather*

      Augh, I’m way late on this and no one will probably see it, but… I got into it after some of the people I play online D&D with pointed it out to me. It is awesome. Although I don’t end up watching it as often as I should, because a) forgetting and b) falling asleep partway through when I remember. (And sometimes c) one of our games getting moved to Thursday night)

  38. Forestdweller*

    I want to hear from the makers, especially those who monetize their making. What do you make? What are your tips for getting a business off the ground? Is it your full-time job or a fun side hustle (or not so fun side hustle)? What about social media presence? Does anybody make Instagram videos or the like showing off their work? My artistic endeavors have always been hard in the hobby column, but I’m really evaluating what I most enjoy in life and trying to build a life that lets me do those things as much as possible. Hope you all have weather as beautiful as ours in Kentucky today!

  39. RainbowPencils*

    I’ve had chronic wrist pain for a few years. I’ve gotten ergonomic office supplies, tried exercises/stretches from YouTube and books, seen a few doctors who did blood tests and x-rays, worn wrist braces, and gone to physical therapy. I’ve tried wet heat, which feels nice when I’m using it, but I think it might make my wrists feel worse the next day? The only thing that seems to help is resting my wrists, but as I have a full time office job and need to do the normal list of chores around the house, I can’t rest them much. The only thing I can think of to try next is some sort of pain relieving cream or ointment.

    Do any AAM readers out there have good experiences using a cream or ointment for chronic pain? I think the only things I’d want to avoid are anything messy or super smelly. (I work in an open office space, so I’m right between two coworkers. I don’t want to force weird smells on them or leave grease marks on my desk.)

    Thank you!

    1. Lilo*

      I broke my wrist as a kid and have had flare ups of tendon issues for years. I will say I have had no luck with creams at all. It doesn’t seem to penetrate enough and then your hand just feels weird and still hurts. Braces and interventions never worked either. I only had success taking NSAIDs and just waiting out the flare up. I wish I had better advice.

    2. Ethyl*

      Ugh I haven’t found anything that doesn’t smell strongly, but I’m interested to hear if anyone else has! Chronic pain is the pits.

      My doctor told me to sleep in my wrist brace when my carpal tunnel acts up, which helps quite a bit and keeps me from making it worse while I sleep. She also recommended ice rather than heat, which was really counterintuitive to me but helped a little during the day.

      1. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

        The way I was told, heat is for relaxing (muscles), cold is for reducing inflammation (tendons).

      2. RainbowPencils*

        I never heard of sleeping with a wrist brace on, so I’ll have to try that!

        I also thought that you were supposed to use heat for chronic pain and ice for sudden injuries, so I didn’t question it when my doctors and physical therapist said to try heat. I will have to switch to ice. :)

    3. Slartibartfast*

      Have you tried ice instead of heat, and have you seen a neurologist? One thing that really helped me was myofascial release massage on my forearms, as that’s where the muscles that control the fingers are. I can do it myself somewhat by sitting at a table, rest one arm on the table crossed in front of me, and use the elbow of the other arm to massage the fleshy part of the forearm near the elbow. As far as non stinky pain rubs, I use capsaicin cream but it is really intense heat that turns my skin red and if you get it on your hands and touch your face you will taste it and your eyes will feel it!

      1. RainbowPencils*

        I will look up the myofascial release massage on YouTube and try that. :)

        The capsaicin cream sounds scary since I have a habit of touching my lips and eyes. :o

    4. Rainy*

      I have arthritis in both wrists thanks to a couple of old injuries (and also probably a lot of intense crafting in my 20s and 30s didn’t help much), and I’ve used icy hot, tiger balm, aspercreme, pretty much anything you can imagine. Icy hot is probably the best, honestly. I haven’t tried biofreeze yet because my wrists have been a lot better this spring (heard about it last summer) and I’m keeping things under control with NSAIDs, hand massage, and ice packs, as well as having stopped knitting (sadface, but what can you do).

      1. RainbowPencils*

        Interesting that people are saying to use ice. Regretting all the time I spent with my heating pad waiting for it to help!

        You suffered for your passion (intense crafting), lol. :)

        1. Rainy*

          Yeah, I get pretty intense muscle spasms in my neck and upper back, and when I realized ice knocks them out, I would have smacked my forehead if I could move. I spent so long using heat and wondering why it wasn’t working!

    5. ..Kat..*

      Aspercream has an unscented version. Lidocaine cream is also an option.

      Can you give yourself a “holiday” from intense wrist use? Maybe hire someone to do home chores for a while?

      Use ice instead of heat. Ice is for after an injury. Heat is for during the healing phase.

      Have you tried medicating at the start of work with ibuprofen? Ibuprofen will help decrease inflammation.

      1. Ethyl*

        Does lidocaine cream penetrate enough to alleviate tendon pain? It’s been my experience that anything topical is mostly about the tingly burny sensation and in my case it may well be placebo effect.

        1. Kuododi*

          I use a perscription pain cream from my pain management MD. Ive never heard of a particular name for the cream. It has all kinds of meds ie Vicoden, NSAIDs etc. I find it effective for both joint as well as tendons. The cream has to be perscribed and prepared by a compounding pharmacist. I’ve never had problems with it leaving me sedated, or otherwise impaired. Worth a phone call or email to your PCP. If I can help further, please let me know. Best regards.

        2. ..Kat..*

          I don’t know if lidocaine cream will penetrate enough for tendon pain. I use it for muscle pain in my back. Some tendons are farther away from the skin – however, wrists are relatively narrow. Since it is a pretty cheap over-the-counter medicine, I think it is worth a try. The lidocaine cream that I use does not have any tingly burny ingredients.

      2. RainbowPencils*

        I’m kind of scared of starting to take medications (Advil, Tylenol, etc.) for the pain because then I’ll be taking them every day for the rest of my life. :/

    7. Not So NewReader*

      I have had good luck with arnica. It comes in a tube and you rub it on like you would with Ben-Gay or one of those other products. It does not smell. Some might consider it a little greasy/messy. But you don’t need to use a ton so you can rub in what you do use.
      I have also had good luck with turmeric. The kind I use is Gaia brand. This would be my replacement for Advil or similar OTCs.
      For on-going stuff like this I prefer a two-pronged attack, a topical and an internal.

      Just generally speaking, with chronic pain it’s good to pay attention to your hydration. On days I slack, my pain levels go up. If I get on the water and stay on it, I can feel pretty good day after day.
      The best thing I ever did for my mouse wrist was get a track ball. That nailed it, as the pain level went waaaay down.

    8. wristanon*

      Do you brace them at night? When my wrists/hands ache, this is what does the trick more than any medication, though Aleve helps.

    9. WS*

      I said the same thing to a physical therapist about using wet heat and he said that I need to be icing my hands and wrists instead to reduce inflammation. So I tip some ice in a full sink of cold water and just put my arms in. I’m allergic to anti-inflammatory medication (boo!), but it might be worth seeing a doctor about that if it’s okay for you. Medication usually works better than the creams/ointments though has more potential side-effects too.

      With your braces, are you using them all the time? Are you sleeping with them on?

      1. RainbowPencils*

        I like the idea of dipping my hands/wrists into icy water instead of holding ice on it. It actually seems like it would be less mess.

        I only use the braces when I’m on the computer or exercising with light weights (I don’t do any wrist specific exercises with weights because that makes the pain worse). There were suggestions above to sleep with them on though, so I’ll try that.

    10. Lena Clare*

      Also icing it might help instead of heat.
      I tried Deep Heat (the brand) ice packs on my tendonitis and it was great. They smell mildly minty so they’re not really offensive, and they’re not super cold (I’m really sensitive to temperatures and can’t even use the usual deep heat hot rub thingy – it just keeps on heating up and I end up washing it off).

  40. CatCat*

    I got a 5 gallon fish tank a couple weeks ago, set it up, added some liquid cycle, a heater, decorations, and let the filter run. I call it the Fish Palace. Last week, I got a shrimp, a nerite snail, and a baby betta. Their names are, respectively, Cameron, Pin Stripe, and Fish Stick.

    Fish Stick was just a tiny gray thing when I got him and he’s already turning colors and getting a little bigger. His body has an iridescent blue sheen, but his fins are turning red. Can’t wait to see what he looks like when he grows up!

    Cameron is a very active ghost shrimp. I plan to add a couple cherry shrimp as well

    Pin Stripe moves pretty swiftly for a snail. I refer to it as a racing snail.

    I really enjoy looking at the tank and watching the activity is very relaxing.

    1. Angwyshaunce*

      I love those names! When we bought this house last year, it came with a pond with four goldfish. Three are gold, but one is almost white. Since he’s the only one I can identify, I gave him a name. Moby Fish.

    2. Llama Face!*

      Isn’t it nice? I have the same size aquarium with a blue platy (who is irridescent white not actually blue), a pepper cory, two julii cory, and some neon tetras.

      One thing to watch for if you have both a betta and shrimp is that the shrimp have enough hiding spots the betta can’t get inside. Bettas can sometimes decide that shrimp make for nice snacks.

      I’ve never had a nerite snail but I have had several mystery snails. They can be the most fascinating tank critters!

      1. CatCat*

        There are plenty of places to hide in the tank, definitely! Fish Stick is so tiny right now that Cameron the ghost shrimp is much bigger.

    3. Rainy*

      I have a 10g planted shrimp tank with a bunch of neocaridina (and the inevitable small aquarium snails). We actually put it next to the tv in our entertainment centre and I very much enjoy watching my shrimp jet around cleaning things. I might add some ember tetras in a month or so. My last batch of plants, while excellent and very healthy, came from a place that keeps their plants in actual tanks with an ecosystem and one of the reviews said that they thought their tank may have gotten ich from a shipment of plants. In general I’m not worried, but given that ich can’t survive more than 4-6 weeks in a tank with no fish, I figured better safe than sorry, since inverts always complicate medicating a tank.

      One thing I’d suggest is making sure you have PLENTY of hiding places, because bettas get bored easily and will harass shrimp, sometimes to death. Also, give your betta a mirror! And a few times a week or daily, call up betta videos on your phone and put your phone up to the tank. It’ll keep your betta healthy if he has motivation to display regularly. (There’s research on this.)

      1. CatCat*

        Thanks for the tips and getting a mirror and the beta videos idea! We definitely want Fish Stick to have a happy and interesting fish life.

    4. Book Lover*

      We had a 10 gallon tank and our betta ate the shrimp :(. I hope you have a much better experience. We meant to try a snail but got nervous at that point. I wish you much joy – they are so much fun to watch.

    5. Seeking Second Childhood*

      When we had a betta, my husband got the idea to feed it the mosquitoes he swatted. He started floating them on the surface, moved to getting the fish to jump for it, and one day the fish jumped for one that we hadn’t been able to swat!
      Makes for more tank cleaning, but do worth it.

  41. Jaid*

    It was my birthday earlier this week, so I took a couple of days off to sleep in. Also got my hair dyed purple (which turned out to be the same shade my mom gets hers done, go figure).

    Annnnd I may have gotten my Real ID with my purple hair?

    Yes. Yes I did.

    Anyway, today I’m getting my laundry did, then later I’m going out to watch Endgame and eat hotpot/BBQ.

    1. Zephy*

      Can confirm, Endgame+hotpot is a solid evening. That’s exactly what we did, lmao. Happy birthday!

      1. Jaid*

        We ended up at Joe’s Crab Shack, instead. I had a headache from the movie and didn’t want to try new food. But seafood boil with garlic sauce FTW!

  42. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

    It’s taking forever for hubs and I to recover from this food poisoning thing. Also hilarious when it was accidentally from your mom, who throws a fit when you cancel visiting mother’s day so you buck up and visit her, and she’s upset she thawed king crab and steak and nobody will eat it, after coaxing her from her bedroom because she’s butthurt she’s not treated like a queen and tells you she’s been jealous of you all my life, then says I should’ve called her on the phone more.

    LOLOLOLOL. Thanks to AAM and online therapy I can see her for the circus crazy town she is. And now I’m able to help others affected by toxic parents in my circle of friends.

    Getting massive hours of sleep and finally off pb/dry crackers and nonstop chewing of ginger root. Made chicken soup last night and watched Princess Diaries 2. The most amazing things about adulthood are my spouse, my freedom (I can grey rock/visit parentals hardly never if I choose, and treat moms sulking as comedic relief/bring out the popcorn time) and if anyone tries to maim me I can bring action in court instead of keeping things pent up like I did as a kid.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Wow, this is so great, you have come such a long way and built your own full life free of mom. You have been a very strong person right along, but now that strength is being used to build up your life rather than to just get from one day to the next. Well done, CS, well done.

      1. valentine*

        Are you sure it was accidental? I wouldn’t trust further food from her either way.

    2. WS*

      I had a gastro virus nearly three weeks ago now, ended up being taken to hospital, and it’s taking me forever to recover as well. I’m still exhausted every time I do anything, and still have trouble with anything too fibrous, so I am craving vegetables and yet they hurt me. :( I hope your stomach is feeling better.

    3. Carmen in Canada*

      I had a horrible stomach bug this winter and it took a while to get over it. After I was eating real food again I took probiotic supplements and ate gut health friendly food: yogurt, kombucha, anything fermented. I hope you feel better soon.

  43. Spooooon!!*

    Is anyone else so sad about The Tick being cancelled after two seasons on Amazon? I had finally found the show that filled the Parks and Rec shaped hole in my soul.

    1. Thursday Next*

      I have lived through the cancellation of three separate Tick series, and I should know better than to get my hopes up.

      Spoon!!!

    2. Slartibartfast*

      I, too, shout the battle cry of flatware in mourning. Been a Tick fan since the original comic book.

      SPOON!!!!

    3. Lady Jay*

      Oh, no! I loved The Tick (1st season was better but 2nd season was better/funnier than anything that included a giant, sentient sea creature had any right to be). It certainly deserved a longer run!

      1. Spooooon!!*

        The actors are still under contract, and the creator Ben Elmund is saying there are going to try to get picked up by someone else. Maybe Hulu or Netflix? It’s rare to find a show that manages to be so goofy yet still suspenseful and have characters you care about. I love them all, but I have a crush on Overkill.

        One of my favorite moments from this last season is when they were trying to figure out where the Lobstercules babies were hidden, and Tick suggests pushing the “star button” on the computer. Hilarious!!

    4. Elizabeth West*

      I’m sorry I wasn’t able to watch that.
      I’m pretty upset about The Kids are Alright being cancelled on ABC. I hope another network or streaming network picks it up.

    5. I Work on a Hellmouth*

      So freaking sad! I’ve loved The Tick in all of its incarnations, and this latest one is SO GREAT! I really do hope someone else picks it up, I need to watch the rest of Superion’s breakdown.

  44. Akcipitrokulo*

    Following on from last week about what we’re watching…

    I am still utterly in love with Hatori Sohma.

    2. Nessun*

      What, new furuba?! Where have I been, missing that news? Curse you, crazy busy job. Now I need to add that to my find list…for when things calm down.

  45. Handy Nickname*

    Looking for podcast recommendations! I just started getting into podcasts and building up a playlist for driving and working on things around the house. I’m really interested in anything finance-related (personal finance, stock market and economy, retirement planning, bank accounts) as well as more general life advice ones.

    Some of my favorites so far:

    Stacking Benjamins – all time fave. Great guests, the hosts are a hoot. Covers a wide range of personal finance and retirement planning topics in different segments (headlines, guests, mailbag, trivia, etc.)

    Beyond the Dollar – more overall perspective and approach to money. A little more touchy-feely sometimes, but really helpful for framing things and easy to listen to.

    The Indicator from Planet Money & Planet Money- shorter daily podcasts. Last one was about the founder of accounting, other topics have included the economy of dollar stores in poorer communities and a project to get more people i.d.s

    Popcorn finance- short, interesting, financial discussions in the time it takes to microwave a bag of popcorn (the pop up debates are my favorite on this one)

    Before Breakfast – daily 5-7 minute podcast on things like making your phone less interesting, and how to fight the urge to back out of things last minute that you would have really enjoyed.

    What are your favorites?

    2. Anonymous Educator*

      I’d highly recommend:
      Bad With Money (Gaby Dunn)
      The Pay Check (Rebecca Greenfield)
      The Pineapple Project (Claire Hooper)

    3. Engineer Girl*

      Dave Ramsey? It’s a bit repetitive but the “Debt Free Screams” are fun and inspiring. Especially so the ones where they paid off over $100 k in debt.

    4. The Doctor is In*

      Bedside Rounds. Medical history that is very entertaining and informative.

    5. Mephyle*

      In Our Time from BBC
      Quirks and Quarks and Ideas from CBC.
      Radiolab from NPR
      This Week in Parasitism from microbe.tv, particularly the first 30 or so episodes; beyond that it gets more technical.
      I just discovered Bunk Bed from BBC, which is great, too, but it’s probably better for bedtime than for driving or working.

    6. Ariaflame*

      Positiviteeny (Messages of Hope, Support and Inspiration, in 10 minutes or less)
      The Futility Closet (quirky history)
      Infinite Monkey Cage (science with some comedy)

    7. Isobel*

      Fifty Things That Made The Modern Economy (BBC).
      More or Less has the same presenter (Tim Harford) and is good too.

    8. Food Sherpa*

      Lore is wonderful, it has a companion tv series as well. Criminal is outstanding. It is on things related to criminals and is not gory detailed fueled stuff. Instead, it has information about unusual cases and people related to criminals and the criminal justice system.
      But if you like the details, there is Serial Killers, Dark Topic, True Crime Garage, and True Crime Uncensored.

  46. First Time Pansexual Dating Experience*

    Sorry if this is a repeat…my comment doesn’t appear to have shown up….

    I am in my 30’s have my first date with another woman this evening and I am super excited and nervous! I’m like a teenager! We are both married to men (polyamorous/ethically non-monogamous) and have never been with a woman before.

    Dating tips for same-sex newbies? I get along with women *so* easily…..How do you determine the difference between friend chemistry and romantic chemistry?

    1. Christy*

      You figure out if you want to kiss/etc them! That’s it, as far as I can tell. Aren’t women great? (I’m a married, monogamous lesbian, so I’m like excited and a tiny bit jealous of you getting to do this for the first time!)

      1. First Time Pansexual Dating Experience*

        Thanks! I’m so excited too!

        Let’s say, hypothetically, that this date goes well…any tips for kissing a woman? She is shorter than I am by about 4 inches and that is new for me! Do I bend my knees a little and, like, tilt her face up?

        Ack! We have only been chatting on OkCupid for about a week but we both have said that we feel like we already know each other so well! Trying to be casual and remember it is just a first date but it is hard not to get swept up in the excitement!

        1. Rainy*

          Stairs or sitting down is the best way to start. You’ll figure it out from there, I promise. ;)

          One thing to watch for is that if you’re both used to dating men, sometimes you’ll find yourself putting out standard “it’s okay to kiss me” signals and then nobody actually follows up. Even I’ve done that and I’m typically a first move maker by nature. So if you find yourself sitting (or standing or whatever) there thinking “WHY WON’T SHE FREAKING KISS ME” just lean in. ;)

        2. Christy*

          I’ve never kissed men so I can’t really speak to the contrast. And my wife is an inch shorter than I am so we don’t have a height issue. Surely you’ve kissed people (men?) who aren’t your exact height—what have you done as the shorter person? I think she’ll probably figure out how to line up your mouths if she wants to, lol. I have a friend whose husband is like a head taller than she is and there’s just a lot of tilting.

          I’m almost certain it will feel natural and you won’t be overthinking it when it actually happens. Good luck!! Please report back.

          1. First Time Pansexual Dating Experience*

            I will! Thanks!

            Yeah, I guess I definitely have gone on my tiptoes to handle height differences before (my other partners are 5, 6, and 11 inches taller than I am) but I have never thought about how approach as the taller person. But I forgot that she would be meeting me halfway too!

          2. First Time Pansexual Dating Experience*

            It went well. We talked for hours like we were already old friends and I wistfully started thinking about how lovely her lower lip is….

            No kissing happened though. She hugged me at my car and I asked her if I could kiss her and she said said no.

            She said what she has learned thus far from her limited dating experience is that she quickly falls in love after kissing and (thus far) has only had the experience of a girl saying after a few weeks that she really just wanted to be friends….so she wants me to be more sure of my intentions. She made an eyebrow raise like “but once you are sure….then yeah, I’m down!”

            But how do I know? Like, I think would really like a relationship with her, but thus far it’s kind of like I said in my comment above….like, I feel a really strong connection to her but until I actually indulge in romantic activities with her….like how will I know if it feels right to me?

            (Part of my anxiety is that she is not only 4 inches shorter than I am, but she is also adorably petite and fit…..Even though I have dated fit men, they are still taller than I am overall…..I feel like a bulky giant next to her and I don’t know if that is going to be a problem for me. My instinct is to say, “Well just try it and see!” But if she is wanting to not “just try it” and to be a more sure that we are on the same page romantically, then I need to respect that too….)

            1. Christy*

              I’m glad it went well! I’d just tell her where you’re coming from in terms of just trying it. WLW are all about processing lol.

              Also no lie I totally understand the body issue. My wife is my clothing size, ish, and thank goodness I didn’t have to deal with that

              1. First Time Pansexual Dating Experience*

                I suppose it will be some good motivation to get to the gym…..

                We exchanged some messages today and I am feeling less foolish and more excited. She clarified that she didn’t expect me to have a perfect understanding of where this would end up, just that I was emotionally available and not averse to the idea of falling in love.

        3. Traffic_Spiral*

          Haven’t you ever kissed a guy when you were sitting on his lap or otherwise positioned above him? It’s not that different.

    2. Ethyl*

      I’m jealous! My spouse and I have an open relationship and I want to meet other queer ladies for smooches and also generally hanging out, but online dating scares the crap out of me! I’m only 41, but have been with spouse since we were both 19, and previous outside partners were met more or less organically through work and hobbies. Someone give me a pep talk! Argh!

      1. First Time Pansexual Dating Experience*

        I *love* OkCupid. There are so many prompts and opportunities to answer questions that I find that people tend to show up the way they are in real life. So (thus far at least!) I have never had a bad date from there. (I have also only chosen to date people who were a 97-99% match with me and who I found immediately interesting and engaging via chat.)

  47. Foreign Octopus*

    I was gifted a Masterclass yearly subscription this week for my birthday. It was my older brother’s idea that he and our parents went in on, and it was honestly a surprise. Considering that the three of them kept telling me to check my email, I thought it’d be an Amazon voucher, which I was happy with because books, but seeing the gift in my inbox was the best birthday gift I’ve received.

    I’ve started the Neil Gaiman “Art of Storytelling” course, and he’s such a soothing speaker; really engaging and lovely.

    Does anyone else have Masterclass? If so, what classes are you taking?

    2. Kate Daniels*

      I do! I like the writing ones (I agree that Neil Gaiman is particularly soothing), and the cooking ones have motivated me to cook from scratch more. I just wish there were more baking ones besides the French pastries course.

    3. Piano Girl*

      My husband got the one with Ron Howard discussing filmmaking. He has really enjoyed it.

    4. Karen from Finance*

      I have Masterclass and I got it specifically because of Gaiman and, depressingly, I never got around to starting them yet. But in looking forward to taking that class as well as the Ramsay cooking ones.

  48. WellRed*

    I have tried a couple times recently to watch a new series on Netflix ( one French, one Finnish) only to find they have overdubbed with overly smooth, accentless American. I don’t love subtitles but the overdubbing was sooo distracting. I hope we don’t see this becoming commonplace.

    1. Weegie*

      I’m with you. As soon as I see something is dubbed rather than subtitled, I stop watching.

      1. Nessun*

        Hard no on dubbing in just about every instance. I find that watching people in their own language is just so much more meaningful (and the emoting matches!!).

    2. Pharmgirl*

      Have you checked the settings to see if you can watch in the natural language with subtitles? There are a couple shows I’ve noticed that will default to English dubbing, but it’s possible to change it back to the original with subtitles.

      1. Anonymous Educator*

        Yes, definitely double-check this. Even though I thought my preferences were always to use the original language, I’ve occasionally come across situations in which English dub is somehow in place, and I’ve had to switch it back to the original language.

      2. Washi*

        Yeah I had to do that with that Peiod End of a Sentence mini documentary. I hate dubbing so I was relieved to discover I could switch to subtitles!

    3. CatCat*

      I watch the foreign shows with subtitles only. Learned that when we watched the German show “Dark” on Netflix because the dubbing just sucked. There’s a movie on Amazon that I really wanted to see until I discovered dubbing was the only option so I, bummed, noped out of watching the movie.

    4. Lena Clare*

      Yeah it’s annoying! But on Netflix you should be able to change the settings to have audio in the original language and the subtitles in English o lo que quiera.

    5. Nacho*

      Did you check the language options? Often times they hide subs and original audio tracks there.

    6. Elizabeth West*

      Ugh, I had this problem with Dark. The American dubbing was horrendous. I’m okay with subtitles, so I just watched it in German. The acting is 1000 times better.

      1. Pharmgirl*

        Yeah, I couldn’t even get through the dubbed trailer! Almost didn’t watch it until I realized I could switch it back.

  49. Pam Beesly*

    Any advice for having “grass is greener” syndrome? I’m in my early 30s with a good job (I’ll be up for promotion in two years) and I’m about to buy a house. Yet I often imagine moving to another city and doing something completely different. Can anyone empathize? Any suggestions for combatting the “what ifs”?

    1. Overeducated*

      YES! I totally get this, very acutely! No advice though. It’s just hard that opening one door closes others and buying a house makes that feel more real. I try to think in a five year time span and remind myself everything could change in five years (i could change it all!), what I do now doesnt have to stay the same until I retire.

      1. Pam Beesly*

        “everything could change in five years (i could change it all!), what I do now doesnt have to stay the same until I retire.”

        This is the mindset I try to have as well. I think the upcoming promotion (to management) as well as buying the house is making my brain yell, “THIS IS ALL PERMANENT!” when it’s not.

    2. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

      Yes, very similar situation. I just tell myself that the grass could look greener, but I’d also be exchanging one set of quirks & problems for an entirely new and different set of quirks & problems. If that doesn’t work, I research and talk to people who took that path and evaluate/proceed accordingly.

      1. Pam Beesly*

        Very true. I’ve tried reaching out to people about an alternate path I’m interested in, but most of them haven’t been helpful, which compounds my frustration. It’d be easier to tell myself “I wouldn’t enjoy doing x” if I knew all its quirks and problems.

    3. Autumnheart*

      Honestly, I embrace it. Heck yeah, you COULD pick up and move to another city to do something completely different! That is absolutely an option, and if your current situation doesn’t work out, then you could totally go for it. Heck, there’s no reason you couldn’t have your house and then a little apartment in another city, plenty of people do that. You’re an adult, you can do whatever you want.

      I love my house and job and I still think about doing those things. I have no intention of moving, but if the opportunity of a lifetime came up, it’d be on the table. But until then, I just enjoy what I have, and know that if things change, I have plenty of options.

    4. Gatomon*

      I’m in a similar spot! I fantasize about going back to part-time retail work, or any job that is more physically-orientated. This is the fourth weekend in a row that my work cell has rung* and I am really missing the kinds of jobs that don’t follow you home. I do not miss the slimmer paychecks that tend to come with them though.

      I also fantasize a lot about retirement. I would like to retire early, maybe 55 – 60? I am hoping to get a modest house now that will be paid off right about then!

      I like to think about what I specifically crave in each fantasy (free time, less stress) and then remind myself what I am doing to make those elements a reality (getting a home, saving cash for retirement, doing fun things with my spare time).

      *confession: I am ignoring the call, I have a friend coming in from out of town. There are others who can help!

      1. Pam Beesly*

        “I like to think about what I specifically crave in each fantasy (free time, less stress) and then remind myself what I am doing to make those elements a reality (getting a home, saving cash for retirement, doing fun things with my spare time).”

        Good advice. Thank you!

    5. Not So NewReader*

      A few thoughts:

      It’s good to remember that what we have is actually better than some imaginary thing that exists only in our minds.

      Going in the other direction, it can be helpful to remember that we are SUPPOSED to dream and imagine better things. That’s pretty normal. This is how people build their lives and this is how people live their lives by following the ideas that occur to them.

      It’s a HOUSE. It’s not your final resting place. Keep a sense of proportion at all times. You could live in the house for ten years and decide to move elsewhere. Conversely, you could decide to rent the house out to your favorite niece/sibling/friend and run away to the Bahamas.

      I think the “but-what-if’s” hit the hardest if we think that our options are closing and we have very few options. However, this is not true. You can own a house AND later run away to the Bahamas. It will take a little more work to run away because of the house but you can still go.

      Last. Once you are actually in the house you will see options that you would never think of right now. Sometimes we have to be in place before it dawns on us the full new set of opportunities we have in front of us.

    6. Square Root Of Minus One*

      Oh, dear do I empathize indeed.
      I’m not super fond of the city I live in, I really like my job but it’s not a passion in life, my relationship status is “complicated”…
      And I can’t move now. I could change jobs, but for fiscal reasons tied to my place it would be super expensive to move (too long to tell why but we’re talking a year’s net salary kind of expensive, so really dissuasive).
      If anything, what has worked is keeping myself busy with something exciting for me, either now or short-term. Practicing an activity, planning a project not too far out…
      If it doesn’t help… I have to figure it out.

  50. I Work on a Hellmouth*

    Anyone have any fun sewing, crafty, or art-y things they are working on this weekend? I have to work today, but tomorrow I am hoping to finish off a whole slew of mostly finished fast sewing projects and start prepping everything for the dress that I’m going to start working on in my sewing class on Tuesday (it’s not a hard pattern on its own, but it involves a few new-to-me techniques like shirring, and I’m pretty excited about it because I think it’s going to look really cool). I’m also trying to pick out my next few I’ll-be-doing-these-in-class projects, and I am debating the following patterns:

    https://shop.deer-and-doe.fr/en/sewing-patterns/82-sirocco-jumpsuit-pattern.html
    https://shop.deer-and-doe.fr/en/sewing-patterns/65-myosotis-dress-pattern.html
    https://shop.deer-and-doe.fr/en/sewing-patterns/16-reglisse-dress-pattern.html
    https://charmpatterns.bygertie.com/shop/jane-set/
    https://charmpatterns.bygertie.com/shop/lamour-dress/

    I’m having a VERY hard time deciding between what should make the cut AND what project order I should put them in, so if anyone has any burning opinions please feel free to shout them at me!

    1. Best cat in the world*

      I’m desperately trying to finish my first proper knitting project, a baby blanket. I keep getting funny looks in the break room at work! Nearly done the main bit, it’ll just be the sides to finish off tomorrow hopefully.

      1. I Work on a Hellmouth*

        You can do it! Yeah, knitting in public can get a lot of looks or cause a lot of conversations to be struck up. I was once desperately trying to finish a hat that I was working on as a gift for my boyfriend (I had to unexpectedly frog the thing and start over at the last possible minute), and everyone who walked past me on my lunch break wanted to know what the heck I was doing.

    2. My Brain is Exploding*

      I haven’t made garments for a long time, and did not realize you could get some super-cool European patterns!
      I LOVE the Deer and Doe jumpsuit, except actually WEARING jumpsuits are a No for me, because – awkward when using the bathroom. The Reglisse dress is cute and summery (albeit a bit too short for me personally to wear), and it depends on if you like elastic waists (a belt over top might work well). You have a wide range of tastes and I would LOVE to peek in your closet!

      Also in terms of order, what would you like to wear RIGHT NOW?

      1. I Work on a Hellmouth*

        All of them! That’s why I’m having so much trouble deciding! :D

        Yeah, elastic waistbands usually aren’t for me, but I have some cute belts that would look good with the Reglisse (and I’m a little short, so the skirt on D&D patterns usually hit me right at the knee so I don’t have to lengthen the pattern), but the jumpsuit would also be GREAT for work… and the other stuff is just fun! And yep, my closet is very eclectic–I love clothes!

    3. FuzzFrogs*

      Both of the Gertie patterns are super fun to do. The great thing about the Jane Set is that she’s done a sewalong on her blog recently–lots of clear and explicit instructions, and really good fabric recommendations. I have the original Lamour and it’s a really fun pattern as well.

      I’m working this weekend, but that’s actually fine because it means I get Monday and Friday off, AKA uninterrupted sewing time. I’m going to be finishing a jumpsuit (this one’s based off a Simplicity repro of some Rosie the Riveter style overalls) and making a purse for a friend. The purse is going to glow in the dark!!

      1. I Work on a Hellmouth*

        Oh, cool! It’s great to hear from someone who has tried out a pattern, and I’ll have to look up that sewalong. I have some deep orange stretch sateen that I think would be terrific–if I ever manage to settle on trim options.
        Okay, a glow in the dark purse sounds really awesome! So do Rosie coveralls. Happy sewing!

    4. Marion Ravenwood*

      I’ve got the weekend to myself and I’m going to work on a few sewing projects. I took myself to Hobbycraft (UK craft shop chain which is where I get most of my haberdashery bits from) today and saw they had some awesome Harry Potter fat quarters, so I bought two sets – one Hogwarts house-themed and one more generally HP-related – which I’m going to use to make bunting for my room and/or parties, as well as a few zips for various repairs and some more bobbins. (I swear I never have enough bobbins.)

      Those will be my weekend jobs as they’re fairly quick and easy, then I want to make a few skirts for the summer. I have a couple of different patterns for pleated skirts, which is something new to me but that I’m keen to learn, so am going to try them and see which I prefer. I also have a pattern for a camisole top which I want to make in a cotton from my fabric box subscription; the pattern itself isn’t hugely complicated, especially making it in a cotton, but again there are some new-to-me techniques like French seams so I’m hoping it’ll be helpful for that.

      1. I Work on a Hellmouth*

        Where do all of the bobbins go? Are they with the left socks?

        French seams are a bit more fiddly, but I actually really like them! They make for really pretty guts. They’re more durable, too!

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Bobbins are likely off canoodling with the ball point pens, a la Douglas Adams, on “…a planet entirely given over to ballpoint life forms.”

    5. Book Lover*

      I am working on a couple of cross stitch projects. One long term, one slightly smaller. Both coming along well. I know some people have a dozen or more in progress but I have always done one at a time. Right now I have one at work and one at home and that is good, I think, rather than carrying back and forth. I vaguely feel it is a bit unprofessional to be cross stitching at work in my spare time instead of studying, etc, but I am grumpy and I want to and no one will say anything even if they think it.

      1. I Work on a Hellmouth*

        I can only do one needlework project at a time, too. When work is really stressful, I will work on something sassy/profane from Subversive Cross Stitch (usually whatever most closely mirrors what I would like to personally say to the people stressing me out) through my lunch breaks. It weirdly helps a lot.

      2. Anono-me*

        I vote for the Lamor dress, I especially loved the the animal print version with the bare shoulders and the bit that goes around the neck.

        1. I Work on a Hellmouth*

          I love that version! It’s so glam! I mean, I don’t really have an occasion for something like that, but you have to wear SOMETHING when you go grocery shopping, right? Why not Leopard Tiki Realness?

    7. Elizabeth West*

      I’ve been wanting to dig out the Titanic travel poster counted cross stitch that I’ve been working on for twenty years, LOL. But I’m so tired today, and I have lots to do tomorrow.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      Jump suit: noooooo. BTDT, gave up with wearing it. Never, ever again. You know you best, if you have done jump suits before and not been totally annoyed by them, then ignore me.

      I liked the reglisse dress. I think that would lend itself well to many different fabrics and prints. It also looks like it would lend itself well to tweaks if you wanted to customize it in a particular way.

      1. I Work on a Hellmouth*

        I’m normally not a big jumpsuit fan because of the hassle of trying to pee in them, but the Sirocco in a snuggly ponte or Liverpool sounds like it would be secret pajamas/a clothing hug, which would really be nice on sucky work days, and the Jane set would let me live out my Jane Russell dreams. But you raise a good point. I WILL eventually have to pee.

        The Reglisse is incredibly similar to a dress that my mom gave me from Anthropologie that is super flattering and cozy, and I think your right about the tweaks. I’m pretty sure I could make the pattern more than a few times without looking like I just own 20 of the same dress.

    9. fishy fish fish*

      I am knitting the worlds worst and most expensive fingerless gloves. They are the world’s worst because the wool is not evenly spun, because I spun it myself. The spinning wheel & I didn’t get on at all (it really hurt my leg to use it), so the spinning is thick and tight and crap. However, I have a strict “finish this before that” rule, so I need to finish them before I use actual fine wool spun by machines that is nice and even and prettily dyed. Otherwise, I should probably drag out the sewing machine and tackle the mending pile

  51. Animal worker*

    A question for the wise AAM commentariat – do any of you have both parrots and cats? I am a long time (decades) parrot owner, and am seriously considering adopting a cat. I have been researching, thinking about this for about six months, including having a friend bring a cat to my house to see how the birds reacted. I’ve read what I can find, talked to people to get thoughts and experiences, and am trying to thoroughly evaluate not only the pros and cons but the techniques I would use if I did this.

    Basically the birds are in the main living area, they do not live in a separate ‘bird room’. So a cat would start out being in the master bedroom/bath/walk-in closet area whenever no one was home, and slowly be introduced to the birds under supervision – first with birds in the cages, then one at a time out under supervision, and depending on how all of this goes hopefully all (3) being able to be out with the cat under supervision. I doubt that I’d ever expect to be able to have the cat out in the main part of the house when no one was home, just to be safe, and there are several different areas that could become cat playgrounds to alternate through during these times.

    Any experiences to share – good, bad, neutral? If so, I’ve heard different things about what age of cat is best – some say older cats since they may not be as energetic and active, others say kittens are best. I was actually planning to adopt an older – 9 year old – shy cat from a shelter I volunteer at on Monday and she was just sent out on a foster to adopt situation a couple of days ago. Now I’m trying to decide if that was fate trying to tell me something…

    Any feedback is welcome.

    1. Rainy*

      One of my good friends has birds and cats and they all seem to do fine together. I think temperament is key–he and his roommates tend to foster cats before committing to adopt them, and at the first sign of trouble the cat goes to a new foster.

    2. fposte*

      I have a friend with a bird but don’t know much about bird care. How alert can you be to stress in the birds that doesn’t manifest as obvious fear or upset? That’s what my concern would be–stressing out the birds in lower level ways that get missed or take longer to see.

    3. Zephy*

      I wouldn’t, if the birds are accustomed to roaming the house relatively freely. It’s a lot of work to manage a houseful of pets that don’t live in containers 100% of the time and can’t share territory, and at some point, someone will lose. A door will be left open, or someone will step out for “just a minute,” or a whole antagonistic conversation will happen between animals without the humans ever noticing until the screaming starts.

      Older cats definitely need the most love, and are less likely to be willing to chase a bird, especially a big one. But there’s no real way to guarantee that your birds would always be 100% safe around a cat of any age.

    4. Anon Anon Anon*

      I think it would depend on the animals’ personalities, and the species of parrot. I knew a family with an African Grey (large, tough parrot) and two cats. The bird was the boss there, and it “parrotted” a mix of human words and cat sounds. Get ready to hear a bird saying, “Meow!”

      1. Aurora Leigh*

        This! My fiance’s parents have an African Grey parrot and many house cats. The parrot is definitely the boss, but they all roam freely around the house.

    5. Quandong*

      I had small parrots who often had free time in the house, and later introduced cats to the household. In my experience the cats’ predator instincts and behaviours never abated and they could not be in the same room as the birds at any time: the birds were stressed and scared, even in their cage where the cats could not reach, and the cats were preoccupied with how to get to the birds.

      I ended up keeping the pets completely separate but it took a lot of vigilance to make sure the doors were securely shut, and I certainly wouldn’t do it again.

      1. WS*

        +1, my grandparents had cats and small parrots and they could not mix. Fortunately the design of the house made it easy to do a kind of “airlock” with the hall from the front to the back of the house so even if an animal made it out of their area into the hallway, it was easy to spot them and put them back.

    6. Animal worker*

      Thanks to all who commented. I appreciate your experiences and viewpoints and this information will be helpful as I continue my research and deliberation. FYI my three parrots are all larger species. Again thanks for the responses.

  52. Christy*

    I need to confess: I set an alarm for 3 AM for the vineyard vines for Target collaboration and I bought 33 items before 3:30 AM. It’s a lot, I’ll return a bunch (got extra sizes on clothes, for instance), but I’m still glad I did it, because essentially everything is sold out now. But I still think it was kind of a crazy move on my part.

    1. Traffic_Spiral*

      Meh, everyone has something or other they’d get up early for once. Fishing, metor shower, scifi movie tickets, whatevs. It’s not like you’re stealing food from orphans or anything, so go nuts.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Yup. I was outside after midnight this winter for the lunar eclipse… in temps dwell below freezing. I had two parkas and a heavy hooded wool cloak and a feather duvet tan it was STILL cold. And I’d do it again in a heartbeat.
        What if you don’t return the things…how much vould you sell them for?

        1. Texan In Exile AKA the gold digger who for a while was also The Candidate's Wife*

          A Vineyard Vines dress on target.com that was shown as $39 (and sold out) was already on eBay for $59 when I looked yesterday.

            1. Seeking Second Childhood*

              Ah…I’d missed that part the first time. Maybe thrill someone and sell it at cost+shipping?

    2. Womble*

      If it’s sold out, it might be worth seeing what they’re fetching on eBay before returning the extra sizes.

      1. Christy*

        I thought about that, but frankly, people selling stuff on eBay is part of the reason I set my alarm for 3 AM, so I wouldn’t want to participate in that market and be a part of the problem.

  53. Laura H.*

    I am enjoying the rare whole actual weekend off! Gives me a chance to do a second load of laundry with the stuff I need for Monday! I’m glad to be working but boy when I was asked not to come in on Thursday, all the fatigue from 3 to 5.5 hour shifts from 5/6-5/15 (two jobs; varying schedules) hit me like a freight train! Would have worked today but that shift was lifted off my plate too.

    So, being well-rested for Monday is my goal. As is enjoying the raspberry candied popcorn that I picked up for today!

      1. Laura H.*

        It’s really good. It’s not a standard flavor (like cheddar, dill, or kettle), but it’s amazing! Was still left after filling a special order. Hoping the people who ordered it enjoyed it as much as I am.

  54. I edit everything*

    What strategies does anyone use to keep kids (mine is 9) safe online? He has his own parentally controlled profile on my computer, with bookmarks for his favorite kid websites (PBS Kids, Nat Geo, etc.), and we don’t let him onto YouTube for a whole slew of reasons. But he’s smart enough and curious enough that if he really wanted to, he could probably get to some nasty places. Fortunately, his main sojourns off his regular stops have been Google Earth and NOVA documentaries. But it’s only a matter of time.

    He’s had lessons about not talking to other people online, not giving out personal information, etc., but who know how much of that has gone in one ear and out the other.

    I’m thinking our next step will be to move my computer from our basement office to the living room or kitchen. But what else should we be thinking about? “No Screen Time” is not an option.

    1. Laura H.*

      Not a parent but child of the early internet and this sort of thing you’re doing is what my parents did. Moving the computer to a more public room is definitely a good consideration, and should the need arise, I would escalate as necessary from there.

      Again, not a parent, just a former kid who grew up with the good ol clunky desktop on the computer desk in the living room.

    2. Melody Pond*

      I read this article a while back, and I tracked it down again, to share with you. I don’t have kids myself, so I don’t really have my own advice to offer, but perhaps this article might be helpful? The overall idea seems to be to lean in with screen time, to have more of it together, so you’re basically modeling the behavior online that you want to see them emulate. And to have lots of conversations about what exists online.

      https://www.npr.org/2019/01/15/679304393/forget-screen-time-rules-lean-in-to-parenting-your-wired-child

    3. ..Kat..*

      Keep in mind that kid websites may be safe with respect to content, but not completely safe. Pedophiles troll for (and groom) vulnerable children on these sites, so you still need to be vigilant. Especially any site where your child can communicate with other people on the site.

      1. I edit everything*

        Yeah, that’s the “don’t communicate with other people” part of the lessons he’s gotten. He doesn’t do group gaming or anything like that. I’m lucky that he’d much rather play baseball, read a book, or watch a documentary than talk to anyone he doesn’t know.

    4. Lilysparrow*

      We only allow screen time in common areas – kitchen, living room, etc. No phone/tablet in the bedroom or bathroom.

      We also talk a lot about what makes things kid-appropriate or not, how it affects their thinking and behavior, etc. And we do that about everything, not just things that would ding an official parental rating.

      We do allow supervised YouTube on certain channels – mostly they’re interested in crafts, clothing or hair DIY, or Minecraft. But there are some of the DIY young ladies who I’ve banned because they talk a lot about dieting or getting boys to like you for your looks. I don’t want them filling their heads with that nonsense.

      Or there are some kid comedy TV shows where the kids are just really horrid, sassy, obnoxious, arrogant brats. The “heroes”, even. And I’ve seen that kind of thing affect their attitude with their friends or with us. So we talk about influences.

      We have a parental control app on the older one’s tablet. And they get lots of lessons at home and online about safety, and we explain that a lot of these restrictions aren’t because we don’t trust them, but because we don’t want strangers communicating with them behind our backs, because that’s not safe.

      So it’s partly supervision, and partly making sure they understand why.

      If you think temperamentally your son might need even stronger boundaries, I’d suggest talking a lot about accountability. We’ve explained to our kids that we can see what they’re doing online and will know if they’re following the rules, but it’s not something we’ve had to emphasize yet. If you think your son needs that extra backstop, it could be good to make a routine out of reviewing his history together to discuss it on a regular basis.

    5. WS*

      It so depends on the kid. I have two close-in-age nephews and the elder one is cautious, shy and skeptical: he’s never had any problems and the supervision was light (now he’s 16 and apart from “no electronic devices in the bedroom on school nights” he has no supervision at all). His younger brother is friendly, chatty and prone to believing all he reads and is not allowed a smartphone or any computer time out of the family area, even though his brother had a smartphone at the same age. Keeping the computer in the family area has been very important!

    6. Kuododi*

      I would suggest not overlooking the issue of electronic gaming systems. (I know minimal about different types of systems.) What I do know is a fair amount of them provide internet/chat access. I’ve had more than one parent in family counseling with me swear on a stack that their little cherubs are “strictly monitored” regarding computer time. Later it was discovered the same cherub was involved in/at risk for all kinds of deviousness while blowing up planets or whatnot on the gaming systems. If that’s a concern in your particular household, I’m sure someone with the necessary skills woul be happy to advise on specifics of monitoring access. Best of luck.

    7. sequined histories*

      Speaking as a teacher (8th, 9th, 10th grade), getting so addicted to gaming that it really pushes out other healthy and productive activities is a big issue. I think if a kid spends significant time involved fun or engaging or productive activities that are NOT online that probably has some protective effect, so it’s not only about limits online but also about encouraging and providing other options as well.

  55. Blue Bunny*

    I am SO infuriated with the IRS. The sent our refund minus my tuition credit, with a letter saying I didn’t fill in the appropriate lines on the appropriate form to get it. I did fill them out. The letter called out two specific lines that have the exact data they claimed was missing, I checked and re-checked both manually and with the tax software I used.

    I asked my husband to deal with it. He has spent over TEN HOURS on the 800 number, being on hold and then being hung up on by their automated system. He tried to go to the local office, and was physically denied entry by a security guard who said no one can enter the building without an appointment. When he calls the local office for an appointment, nobody will ever pick up the phone at any time of day. It rings endlessly.

    The only reason he has been able to devote such an insane amount of time to this is because he currently unemployed to be his mom’s caregiver, and he has time while she sleeps. Nobody with a regular job could even manage as much as he has–I certainly could not.

    It really feels like they’re just stonewalling us until the clock to challenge their decision runs out. They’ve basically stolen over a thousand dollars from us, and I don’t know what to do anymore.

    1. Green Kangaroo*

      The IRS is drastically underfunded. It’s not a ploy to swindle you; they simply don’t have the resources to appropriately staff the agency. This greatly benefits the very wealthy, so there’s not much incentive to change the situation.

    2. ..Kat..*

      Can you reply by letter? Certified with a return receipt?

      Does your tax software have a help feature that you can ask?

    3. Rebecca*

      I’d be tempted to write my congressman about this. You are a citizen, you have a problem with a government agency, and can’t even get through on the phone to make an appointment. Green Kangaroo is correct, they are severely underfunded, and I don’t think it’s unintentional. I tend to think if it were the other way around, they’d find time to write letters and demand the money.

    4. Dan*

      Piggy backing off of Green Kangaroo…

      The IRS *is* drastically underfunded, so one of the first things to go is customer service. This is a straight up political issue (sorry) so you really need to contact the National Taxpayer Advocate as well as your congressperson and Senator. In the short term, they won’t do much, but politics is one of two things: Money, or squeaky wheel gets the grease. No squeaky wheel = no grease.

      1. The Gollux (Not a Mere Device)*

        Adding to that, my Representative’s website has “help with a federal agency” under “services,” and then it explains what information her staff will need so they can help you.

        They need written permission: “The Privacy Act of 1974 (5 U.S.C. § 552a) requires that Members of Congress or their staff have written authorization before they can obtain information about an individual’s case.” Rep. Pressley’s office has a form to fill out that gives them permission to act for you, as well as room to explain what you’re asking for help with. (She’s my congressmember, so I have her web page bookmarked.)

        It might be worth calling first, to confirm that this is the kind of thing they can help with, and in case the answer is something like “we’ll do our best to help, but Sen. Whichever has a larger staff that really knows their way around the bureaucracy.”

        1. WoodswomanWrites*

          I’m concurring with suggestions to contact the congressional representative, and it’s a good idea to call first to find out what advice they have. I used to work for an elected official at a state level and responded to constituents who had these kinds of problems. We were able to get results quickly just by being a squeaky wheel from a state rep’s office.

    5. Anon in IL*

      Agree with writing a letter postmarked within the deadline (usually 30 days from the date on the notice). Attach (1) copy of the notice you received (2) a copy of the form in question (3) copy of Form 1098-T that you received from your college or university. You could also call your tax software company customer service to see if this is a known issue with their program.

    6. The Man, Becky Lynch*

      You need to do this in writing. Their customer service won’t be of much help otherwise. It will take awhile to hear back. For one issue last year we got about 6 “sorry, our usual response time is 60 days but we need more” letters. But that was more complex of an issue so it was to be expected.

      The IRS was part of the partial shutdown and many worked without pay. Many were brought back before that was fixed to work. Without pay.

      They’re not trying to con you. They’re humans with a job and make errors as well given their workload.

      They have tough security and hard to see in person because their lives are threatened by people who think they’re swindling thieves!

      I’m sorry you’re going through this and you need to fight for your money due but sadly it’s going to take time.

    7. Engineer Girl*

      How about filing an amended tax return?

      Include the tuition and note it specifically as the difference.

      1. It’s me*

        This wouldn’t help. If they filed their return correctly, which it sounds like they did, then there would be no changes to amend. What they should do instead is mail a letter back to the IRS certified mail that states we filed correctly, here’s a copy of what we filed and a copy of the notice and please update your records and send us the additional refund. Include your phone number and email just in case but they will most likely respond (slowly) via mail.

    8. Policy wonk*

      Contact your Congressman’s local office. They can help. I used to work for a Congressman and this was part of my job. The IRS has a special office specifically to respond to Congressional inquiries on behalf of constituents.

      1. Not a cat*

        That’s amazing! I wish my congresswoman’s office was 1/32nd this helpful. I’ve reached out in the past and I just get added to mailing lists.

  56. Penguin*

    Plant thread!
    Last week there were some delightful conversations going around plants: gardening, invasives, etc. so I thought I’d try to make it A Thing. If you like, say something here! Celebrate your garden, lament your weeds, ask or answer questions… whatever!

    1. Penguin*

      The tulips here are just past their peak, and the maple trees are continuing to leaf out. The dandelions are everywhere, and some of the bees are out and about; I’ve seen both bumblebees and honeybees. Our grape vines are leafing out, the wisteria is waking up, and I have to go cut the ivy off the garage again. The vining rose that we thought was dead came back, though! Maybe it’ll flower; that’d be cool.

    2. Ethyl*

      So I have an irrational hate for hostas. When we redid the “landscaping” that was here when we moved in, I thought I got them all. Lo and behold, what pops its stupid little stripey head up this week???? More dang hostas!!!! Argh!

      1. fposte*

        They were so common where I grew up that apparently a nearby horticultural school referred to them as “[region] weeds.” I have to say that I’ve appreciated them a lot more since becoming an adult gardener, but I am *very* particular about which ones.

        I also think that hostas are a great example of how gardeners tend to obsess over and delight in minute details that non-gardeners wouldn’t even notice. (See also: clematis, daylilies.) OMG, the leaves on this one are slightly less long, or the stripes are wider, or the yellow edge is slightly greener!

      2. Agnodike*

        I hate them too! They are one of a very small number of plants that actively diminish my enjoyment of a garden. Our house came with a carpet of them in the back yard, and my project this year is to purge them all and put in something lovely instead. Solidarity!!

      3. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Apparently they are edible so to borrow a phrase originally coined for dandelions. ..if you can’t beat ’em, eat ’em.
        I’m serious that people can eat the shoots…but I’m not serious that any of us try them.

        1. ket*

          I cooked ’em! I did! last weekend!

          Took the not-yet-unfurling one (still pointy) and sauteed them/panfried them in lots of olive oil. Like I was caramelizing onions. Let them get brown on a side, and stirred them all around. We also roasted a chicken that was sitting on a bed of thin-sliced potatoes, so once that came out I threw the hosta shoots in there to get some chicken juice on them. People really liked it. They did have sort of the taste of asparagus, but (you know you want to know) don’t have the chemical that changes the scent of some folks’… micturation.

    3. fposte*

      Peonies! The peonies are starting! That’s my absolute favorite time of the garden year, and I have early, middle, and late bloomers to keep the season going as long as possible. Three of my plants were here when I moved in, and I think I’ve identified two of them (and doubled up on them, because they’re great) but the third remains a mystery. Now, though, I probably have a dozen different peonies. Some I love more than others, but my early ones are especially welcome for being early, and also one in particular has just such beautiful flower form that it brings my joy every time I look at it. (Link in followup.)

      3. Ali G*

        I just put a bunch of tomato plants in the ground (I was lazy this year and just bought some started plants), and planted a hops plant for my husband.
        I’m doing research for the planters on the porch. Rather than try to get perennials to grow in there and come back (it doesn’t work), I am going to get some indoor plants that can go out in the warmer months, and come in during colder times.
        I’d be open to suggestions!

      4. Womble*

        We have an amazing hot pink peony – just the one – that appears in the garden of our rented house every year. It’s always a lovely surprise.

      5. Jen Erik*

        We had to redo the herbaceous border because of bindweed, so when we replanted I got a couple of intersectional peonies. I don’t think they’ll flower this year, but I’m so looking forward to it.

    4. KatieKate*

      I got my first indoor plants last week—-and I already have problems with them. One is droopy and the other’s bottom leaves are yellowing. I’ve moved both out of the direc sun and have been checking soil dampness but is there anything else I should be doing?

      1. fposte*

        What kind of plants are they? Did you repot them or are they in the original containers from the store? Did you get them from a big box store or a nursery?

        Yellowing on lower leaves isn’t a likely result from too *much* sun (more common with not enough), and neither are droopy leaves, providing the soil is still moist, so I’d consider moving them back to get more light. Are there drafts from A/C near there? The droopy leaves might also be overwatering, and some plants are very unforgiving on that.

        It’s also possible they weren’t very well cared for at the store, or that they’re a little shocked from transplantation or relocation. I’m not going to advise you to pull them out and mess with rootballs until I know more about what you’ve got, though.

        1. KatieKate*

          Droopy is a Paper Plant and yellow leaves is a Dumb Cane. They’re still in their original pots and they came from a plant store. My AC isn’t on yet so I can’t imagine a draft is the issue, and they first started showing symptoms after I had them in direct sun so that’s why I thought that might be the issue but I’ll move them back. The store recommended once a week watering for both of them which is what I’ve been doing.

          1. Batgirl*

            Google tells me that both of those plants prefer shade/partial shade over full sun so it sounds like your instincts were on point.

      2. Batgirl*

        What kind of plants are they? The type of plant determines how much sun and water. My first guess from your description would be overwatering but it could be other things.

      3. Ali G*

        Have you been watering them? Sounds like overwatering. Most plants don’t need to be watered until the top of the soil starts to dry out.

    5. Rainy*

      I have a balcony container garden, and it’s looking really nice. :) I splurged on some designer petunias (“Starry Night”, I think?) and I’m feeling SO GOOD about my decision. They’re so pretty. My strawberries are doing okay considering we’ve had snow THREE TIMES since they arrived (thanks, mountains!), and I have a bunch of volunteer violas and pansies from last year in addition to the new pansies, petunias, and dianthus.

    6. CatCat*

      We have a porch container garden and I am just thrilled with how well the flowers and herbs are doing. We have a recipe that calls for a bunch of parsley this week and I am feeling very satisfied that I can get it from my porch garden.

    7. Green thumbs up*

      My coleus pot is doing great, as is my $3 discount vinca. My sweet potato vines are branching out under my tree. I found a delightful Talavera pot in the shape of a watering can and pitted celosia. My massive sedum (Autumn Joy) should pop any minute

      But now I’m stumped: I have two wire wall containers that are mostly in the shade (installed by previous owner). I use cocoliner. I can’t even get petunias to grow because of the shade. Suggestions for a shade plant with a shallow root? I’m good with a big box store purchase.

      1. Penguin*

        Hmm, they might be too large for hanging containers and I don’t know what their roots are like, but Hostas love shade. Maybe there’s a dwarf variety?

        A quick warning on Vinca: it can be aggressive/invasive depending on climate. That’s not a condemnation (I love it, especially when it’s flowering like it is here for me) just a heads-up.

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Bleeding Heart and Solomons Seal are both things I’ve had luck with in shade.

    8. Lizabeth*

      Trying to foil the rabbits by planting things that they don’t eat or like. Guess what I found this morning? The geranium had 3 leaves bitten off but not eaten. And one marigold flower shredded and flung around but not eaten. Me 10 points; rabbits zip! I guess it had a temper tantrum.

    9. Inexperienced Gardner*

      I have a black thumb. Seriously every plant we’ve had, we’ve killed. But a few weeks ago we went to a container gardening talk at the library and last weekend I had a long chat with a sales person at the local nursery and bought supplies. I bought 2 cherry tomato plants, 1 pepper plant and some rosemary, potted them early this week and am obsessed with how they are doing. So far, so good – they don’t look like they are dying (yet). Keeping my fingers crossed.

    10. Bluebell*

      Here in my corner of New England the grape hyacinths are finishing up, and the geraniums are having a terrific spring. I adore peonies but my one peony bush doesn’t seem to have buds this year. Waiting for the dwarf lilac bushes, which don’t bloom until after the regular lilacs.

    11. lapgiraffe*

      It’s been a rough spring for seedlings, in the past I’ve managed to grow some very nice plants from seeds with little in the way of grow lights, just heat mats in my small apartment. Trickier then if I had a dedicated space, but never impossible.

      This year it’s been a sopping wet and cold spring (New England) and I’ve struggled so much. Bought a lamp, put it on a timer, still struggled with moisture and mold like never before. It would take a week for a small watering to dry out, le sigh. I had some growth but the cut flowers all succumbed to the moisture, and then I left for 10 day vacation with what I thought were strong healthy growth on the veggies.

      My plant watcher said he has no idea what happened, they just keeled over. I thought my Memorial Day weekend was going to be my big transplant day and now I’m looking at buying plants :-( it’s mostly fine but I love my specific paste tomato I always grow from seed and I doubt I’ll find anything like it. At least the sun came out yesterday…

    12. SAHM*

      This post made me go look up what these purple flowering plants I bought at the local plant sale last week are, Ageratum Royal Hawaii. Apparently they’re an invasive weed in most countries, *face palm*
      …… but my version should only get 6-8” tall sooooo I’m going to use them as bedding flowers around my chrysanthemums, gerbera daisies, dahlias, and sweet William. Plus, they look like a soft bush if the kids fall in the planter boxes that surround the lawn (one of the reasons I dug out my roses in January, I think I killed my double delight one though, I’m super sad about that). Soooo we’ll see. If I’m cursing my luck in 10 years Ya’ll can tell me i told you so.

    13. LibbyG*

      Great idea for a repeating thread!

      In my eastern Great Lakes region, the forsythia is leafed out, apples are blossoming, and peonies are budding. It’s so delightful that such a gorgeous, showy flower is also such a sturdy perennial.

      I have a newly cleared border area, part sun, that I want to be super low maintenance. Maybe masses of lilies would be a good solution!

    15. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      I am so tired of battling blackberry vines. They tend to come up in the middle of other bushes, so it’s a real pain to get all of them when I try to remove them. (There’s also this tiny part of me that read too many “end of the world” books as a kid, and always tells me that I may be sad later to not have all of those tasty berries, but those suckers are invasive and take over at the slightest slacking of vigilance, so we’ll just have to keep hoping the end of the world doesn’t happen this summer and battle the vines.) I end up walking the entire yard about once a week to try and find any I’ve overlooked.

      I need to figure out what I’m supposed to do with the greenery as various plants are done blooming. I know some of then you need to leave the leaves in place, and others should be cut back at various times, but I don’t know specifically which or when so the whole thing is kind of a mess. (The yard was planted by the previous owner, who really liked gardening and apparently was out in the yard all day once she retired. A major re-landscaping is likely within the next few years, because I am not close to retirement and also know nothing about plants. I prefer to spend my weekends drinking beer on a patio to digging up weeds, so clearly it’s time to re-think some of these garden areas and replace them with lower-maintenance things, ideally native plants that make bees happy instead of structured flower plantings in beds.)

      1. Penguin*

        You might look up the book Gaia’s Garden by Toby Hemenway for some ideas on dealing with greenery from a landscape view (i.e. what you ultimately want to happen in the space, and what plants might help you get there).

        Caveat: Hemenway is astonishingly dismissive of the idea that one might want to avoid planting species “labeled ‘invasive'”. I strongly recommend readers do their own fact-checking before planting anything unfamiliar on his say-so. (Why introduce something that makes more work for you? The rest of the book is about reducing your work.)

    16. Seeking Second Childhood*

      If you do decide to pull things out may I suggest you offer them out on BuyNothing or Freecycle? I have shared things I was thinning out and got some in exchange. Lots of fun…and depending on how you write the offer you might even get help. I dug up someone else’s flowering orange for example. …now THAT was a lot of work!
      I have columbine in bloom, a sweet little whitish iris, a volunteer grape hyacinth & star of david that we hope to transplant once the leaves die back because they will be tough to mow around. The fuschia is perplexing me by yellowing. Last year’s dahlia roots feel solid but are showing no signs of life so I put pinks and geraniums in the planter. The lemon grass is happy to be in the sun at last.
      And I found out the reason my timer lights stopped working–ants moved into the mechanism! And there I’d been so happy that watering the big stevia with Dr.bronners in the water had killed them off, when I’d just driven them elsewhere. The whole colony is in a baggie in the fridge because my daughter wants to take them to science class…

  57. Mimmy*

    Alison: This post mentions a work/career-related issue but it does lead to a non-work topic, but if this is more appropriate for the Open Thread, please let me know and I’ll move it or wait til next Friday.

    I posted yesterday about turning down an invitation to a job because it potentially involves dealing with students with mental health issues. In fact, that’s one of the primary reasons I’m skittish about a lot of direct contact positions. And I think I know why.

    For years when I was younger, I had a friend with significant mental health issues. In a nutshell, she would call me nearly every day, sometimes more than once a day. Plus, we would frequently get together. In the beginning, it was fine because we were in late teens / early 20s (I’m in my mid-40s now) and talking to your bestie every day is what young people do. But as time went on, it got more and more emotionally intense; she would constantly call me crying about her boyfriend or just unload on me about everything and anything she was upset about; in hindsight, I think a lot it was wildly misconstrued in her mind. There were some “honeymoon” periods where she said she’s changed and things would be really good and even enjoyable.

    This went on for several years and it really took a toll on my own mental health. I’m all for being there for a friend when things are rough, but it seemed to be all. the. time. It felt like I was the only person she could count on because everyone else bailed on her (at least, in her mind). There were times when she would call me at 10, 11 o’clock at night when I’m trying to get to bed.

    There were a couple of times where she would cut ME out for no apparent reason, sometimes for several months. In a way, I would be kinda relieved only to be filled with dread when she would call for the first time in a couple of months.

    There’s so much more to this, but I’m trying to keep things vague so as not to be identifying. All I can say is that it felt like her life revolved around mine and vice versa.

    Although contact eventually waned, I still always dreaded hearing from her. One day when she started calling again (first time in 3 years), I finally said I’d had enough and officially ended the friendship. I do know that she still thinks about me (I’d like to keep how I know private) and I still sometimes worry about her calling again. I even have dreams about her calling or visiting, which fills me with such dread, though the intensity seems to have gone down.

    So long story short, I wonder if there’s some sort of post-traumatic stuff going on. It’s not PTSD of course and I know I have to bring this up to my therapist, but I think hearing about the job I described yesterday brought up some unpleasant memories.

    1. Wishing You Well*

      I’m sorry you were triggered with that job. Please bring up your experience with your therapist. You’ll want to figure out why things happened and how to prevent them from happening again.
      It sounds like you’re on the right track!

    2. Not A Manager*

      I’m not a therapist, but I think something can be traumatic without having to fit whatever the definition of PTSD actually is. You were clearly traumatized by these interactions, and it sounds like you’re having a bit of a “post abuse” kind of response to it. I don’t think you need to scrutinize it to see if it’s officially PTSD or not.

      For me, sometimes planning out in my mind how I would deal with an attempt at renewed contact, can be helpful. Sometimes it’s hard to enforce boundaries in real time as the violation is happening. I’ve had better luck when I think about possible encounters and make a plan for them. Sort of like rehearsing.

      But the key is, once you know that you have good plans in place that work for you, then you put it aside. When the dread hits you, or you start to chew things over, remind yourself that you already HAVE a plan, that’s what you would do, and you don’t have to keep working at it.

      1. Womble*

        Sorry, hit send before I was ready. It can be that strengthening your boundaries and feeling more ok about them might help.

    4. Lilysparrow*

      There are plenty of situations in life where a bad experience makes you wary of repeating it. That’s not necessarily trauma or PTSD. It’s just exercising good judgment.

      You don’t want a job dealing with mentally ill youth because you’ve had enough of that in your life already, and you wouldn’t be good at maintaining professional boundaries about it.

      That is not a problem or an unhealthy response. That is being realistic and practical in choosing a job.

      The issue here, it seems to me, is why do you feel bothered about that? Why does this perfectly sensible, normal decision make you feel like you have to justify it so hard?

    5. Not So NewReader*

      This may not be a job for you.

      That said, I grew up around some pretty weird stuff myself. [Insert long, tedious story here.] Years later I worked with people with many different types of disabilities. (It may have helped that it was a mixed group.)

      I learned a lot. I got to see other staff people work through problems using techniques that I had never seen before. (For example, redirects). Next, I had the authority to say, “No, stop.” It was expected that my instructions were to be followed. If not, move on to #3 difference, people backed me up. They understood what the problem was and they backed me up. And #4 difference, the job ended at the same time each day and I went home.

      Do understand this here: burnout is real. Even if you do not have a background story, you can still burn out fairly quick in a job like this. Not only are you thinking and talking all the time, many times it can feel like there is no success. That feeling of no success can work into a big deal. I had to redefine my idea of success is in order to keep with the job.

      Trying to tie this together a bit. So if you worked with a person who had the same behaviors as your ex-friend, the first thing would be that you would report any recurring upsets you saw. Others would follow up. A plan would be written for what everyone would say when this person exhibited one of the targeted behaviors. You would be told what the plan is and you would follow the instructions of the plan. IF the plan did not work, then you would go back and tell others that the plan has stopped working for you. They would either back you up in some manner OR write a new plan. Plans last about six weeks maybe.

      I couldn’t always keep track of what the current plan was. Then there were days where I was too tired or too over loaded to even follow the plan. Then there were times where the plan was stupid and clearly would never work. Overall there would be improvements but it would take a very long time.

      I learned a lot of life lessons. I learned about drawing my own lines in my personal life. One thought I had with what you are saying here, when you wake up from a dream about her, either think in your head or say out loud, “No, get out of my life. I cannot help you the way you need me to. You can find people who will help, go look for them.” If you are really good, you might be able to just say it in your dream. Sometimes that happens too. Sometimes we can tell people to get out of our dreams and that can help the with the problem dreams.

  58. Melody Pond*

    Is anyone else excited about the CW’s upcoming Batwoman series?? I just watched the first look trailer, and I’m so excited! I’m usually mostly attracted to men, but OH MY GOD Ruby Rose is so unbelievably hot! *swoons*

    1. Anonymous Educator*

      Yes, I’m very excited about this series. I’ve loved Supergirl since the beginning, and that’s just gotten better over time. Legends of Tomorrow started out kind of horrible has improved a lot in recent seasons. I think Batwoman‘s going to be great. CW seems to be doing quite well with DC properties (I liked The Flash, but there were just too many seasons to catch up on; never got around to Arrow).

      1. Anonymous Educator*

        P.S. With Disney/Marvel/J.K. Rowling all hinting that “Hey, maybe this character might be gay” or “Here’s some minor character who is gay,” it’s really refreshing to see LGBTQ representation front and center on CW superhero shows.

        1. Melody Pond*

          I know, right?!?! That’s exactly what I was thinking – in my head I was like, “Hey, Marvel? This is what having an openly LGBT character looks like! Take note.”

        2. Foreign Octopus*

          Oh god, that Endgame gay character? All that fuss for three minutes (if that). I mean, I wasn’t as insulted as the huge gay moment in Beauty and the Beast (blink and you’ll miss it), so I’m thrilled that Ruby Rose is heading up a LGBTQ character on a show that has the potential to become big.

    2. Ann O.*

      I am happy for my friends, but personally still cranky about casting such a WASPy looking actress to play a canonically Jewish character. Also, I don’t think it’s been confirmed that the show even remembers Kate Kane is Jewish.

      Representational issues aside, I thought the trailer was cringingly heavy handed on the woman power but looked great otherwise. I’m very intrigued by the villain character, and Ruby Rose looked like she’s going to be a great action lead. Hopefully, her general acting will be solid, too. She’s also remarkably beautiful, and I love that it looks like we get some heavy intimacy in the scenes with her girlfriend. I’m old enough to remember when the network forced Joss to cut away or use visual metaphors for Tara/Willow scenes. It’s nice to see girlfriends being girlfriends.

      1. Melody Pond*

        Ahh, I didn’t know she was Jewish in the comics – but, I tend to know little about the comics unless I find a youtube video about it.

        Re: Ruby Rose’s general acting — today I went back and watched the most recent crossover event between The Flash, Supergirl, and Arrow (I think it was called Else Worlds? It was a three-episode crossover). That was Ruby Rose’s very first appearance as Kate Kane, mostly in the second of the three episodes. To me, she doesn’t seem all that different from how she was in OITNB, just with an American accent – so maybe she’s the type of actor where she just is always herself (kind of like Jeff Goldbum?). But, I really thought it worked well, even if it is just her being herself. I truly enjoyed her mannerisms in what little I saw of this role – the way she walks, talks, carries herself, etc.

        But, given my above biases and predispositions about Ruby Rose, it could also just be that I’d accept and love anything she does in any role. :D

    4. Elizabeth West*

      I liked her in Orange is the New Black so I might check this out, although I’ve been kind of off DC properties lately. Blame my overwhelming zeal for Marvel, lol.

      1. Melody Pond*

        Yeah, the only DC TV property that I’ve kept up with is the Flash. Arrow is a little too broody for me, and weirdly, I find Supergirl a little too bright and cheery, and I just flat out never liked Legends of Tomorrow. The self-referential humor in the Flash has always kept me engaged.

        Also, I think Bruce Wayne as Batman has just been done to death – but I’m very intrigued by what I saw of Ruby Rose in this role. I’ll definitely check out the first few episodes when they come out next fall.

  59. Rainy*

    I had the most frustrating experience that began last weekend and got resolved on Wednesday finally, which doesn’t sound like very long, but was just annoying and ridiculous, partially because of the background involved.

    Last weekend, a woman in another state used my email to sign up for a third-party mortgage app via an agent with Caliber home loans. What this means, practically speaking, is that I could access her home lender web portal. I immediately called the agent in question and left a voice mail asking her to close the account. I also emailed her from that email address asking her to close the account. She did nothing for two days, until I texted her cell phone asking her to close the account. She emailed me back and said it was “probably just a typo” and that she’d take care of it, and then did NOTHING. I did finally get the account closed by emailing support for the app, and they did it within five minutes, since they understood the obvious infosec implications of letting someone use an email they don’t have access to as the login for a web portal that requires that you upload your W-2, tax returns for the last two years, pay stubs for the last month, 401k statements for the last 3 months, and a scan of your DL.

    I’m irritated for myself of course because this was a problem that was just totally unnecessary, but I’m also really appalled on behalf of customers of this mortgage lender, because their agents are really poorly trained. I just don’t understand how getting an email from someone who is demonstrably not the person who claimed that email was theirs doesn’t make you go “oh gosh maybe I should actually verify these addresses”!

    1. fposte*

      I hate when you spend time to be a good Samaritan and nobody seems to care but you. Glad it was taken care of in the end.

      1. Rainy*

        Now if she’ll just stop using that email as her mailing list address so she doesn’t get spam…I’m pretty tired of getting her spam.

        This same woman has been using my email for two years at least, and I know all this personal info about her and her kids, but I really don’t want to phone her up because someone who uses other people’s emails…? I feel like there’s a reasonable chance she’s going to accuse me of stalking her or something cocoa puffs like that.

        1. fposte*

          I am deeply acquainted with the volunteering activities of a woman 2000 miles away from me for similar reasons.

          1. Rainy*

            Oooh the signup genius emails are AMAZING because you can go in and delete all their signups and leave a note for the organizer. :D

            I left one a year or so ago that said “TELL ROBIN TO USE HER OWN FUCKING EMAIL”, it felt amazing.

            1. bkanon*

              I left all zeros on a hotel satisfaction survey after calling the place twice to take my email off someone’s wedding reservations. The final upper echelon customer service apology email was the only satisfactory thing.

        2. a teacher*

          I have a similar but slightly different problem — I was an early adopter of gmail and my email address is my first and last name, both of which are common enough that there quite a few other people with the same name. It is shocking how many people don’t know their own email addresses and how many other people are careless when inputting someone’s email address on a form or whatever, because I’ve had all kinds of really confidential stuff, and if I were an unscrupulous person I could really make some of their lives miserable/steal a bunch of stuff. Among the highlights I’ve received:

          – someone’s eBay account (I logged in and closed the account, I was so annoyed.)
          – someone’s credit card account (I tried and was able to log in to that one, too.)
          – job applications and resumes
          – family photos
          – Someone’s Target online account (yep, managed to log in)
          – I get updates about when it’s time to take someone’s Volvo for a car checkup at the Volvo dealership, and similar ones for some other fool’s Jeep. I have not been able to remove myself from the Jeep mailing list.
          – networking emails — I emailed one back explaining the situation and asking to please remove me from her mailing list and got a reply asking if I was sure we’d never met. Yeah, lady. I live in another country. Pretty sure I’ve never been to a networking event in Indiana.
          – mailing list for what I think was parents of some high school sports team coordinating driving them to events or something. Oh, the cascades of emails. I emailed them rather saltily and explained the situation (I’m not proud) and eventually got off the mailing list. Then the next year I was on it again!

          I’m just sad other people with my name (and this is definitely several different people) are so useless with email!

          1. Blue Bunny*

            OMG are you me? I could have written this word for word. I’ve also gotten:

            – A huge medical record file in PDF, including detailed appointment notes, medication lists, and X rays.
            – TONS of financial records/scanned checks/credit reports (someone with my name is a notary)
            – Endless sailing invitations from a “ladies who lunch” club in Hawaii (kinda want to just show up for this one)

            And my least favorite, detailed project specifications from a defense contractor. I was sure I was going to disappear to a black site for that one.

            1. a teacher*

              OMG, that last one! Wow!

              Your comment about the medical record file reminds me of being on the other side (nearly). My gynaecologist’s receptionist gave me the wrong email address for me to send her my medical records, including some fun ultrasound photos. Photos of *inside my uterus*, folks. Luckily I checked the email address on the website before sending. (This was not in America, not sure what the legal implications would have been, but what a thing to get wrong.)

              1. LuckySophia*

                The office printer in our marketing agency can receive faxes. Who faxes anymore, right? Well I’ll tell you: pharmacies. Several times a year, I receive prescription-related documents that a pharmacy is trying to send to a medical office. With excruciating detail about the patient’s name, address, condition and drugs. Each time, I phone the pharmacy and explain the problem, and tell them they need to re-program their fax, because the number they have in there is NOT the medical office they are seeking. And they are Vastly.Unconcerned.About.Correcting.It. …no matter how many times I intone “HIPPA VIOLATION!” Makes me crazy.

                1. valentine*

                  Why not report them for the HIPPA violation? Each time.

                  Logging in to other people’s accounts sounds like cybercrime.

                  I’m surprised you all can’t unsubscribe or close accounts that use your email. For Robin, maybe suggest the mortgage people add an email verification step. I might call Robin, list everything I know about her and the fam, in detail so excruciating, I annoy myself, and politely ask her to stop using my email.

                  This reminds me of the commenter who couldn’t make a woman with the same name understand that she did not automatically own her email username across platforms.

          2. Rainy*

            This person (“Robin”) has been using my email so long, this is what I know about her:

            Name, address, home and cell phones, current and previous employers, lending agent, that she is selling her house, that she has two kids, the name and school of the older and what sport she plays, the older kid’s cell phone number, what kind of phones the family uses (they break them a lot).

          3. Sc@rlettNZ*

            I’ve had a similar thing happen to me as well. How can people not know their own email addresses? It drives me nuts. I was also an early user of Gmail and have firstname.lastname@gmail. While I don’t have a super-common surname, there are a few of us around.

            I know this about the woman who uses my email address: She lives in the US (I don’t), she has pets, she’s Jewish, she plays golf, she signs up for lots of meal trains and other fundraising causes …. The first few times I replied to folk letting them know that they had the wrong address – now I just delete and block.

          4. Ariaflame*

            Someone used my email address for their fortnite account. I don’t know if it was for the game or just buying extra stuff.

        4. Bobstinacy*

          I’ve been dealing with this same thing for well over 6 years at this point and this thread is making me feel so much better about it.

          The woman using my email address has had so much personal information sent to me that it makes me itch. Her kids schools were emailing me a lot of information about her kids for a bit, she works in banking/finance I think because I’ve had several different people email me very personal financial information trying to get mortgages etc. I’ve had invites to girls nights, pictures of vacations, and damn near every kind of website signup you can imagine. Also flight reservations, credit card bills with all her information on it, dentist/doctor offices with test results…

          I used to email people and let them know that they’re emailing a random Canadian woman, not their Florida based woman with the same name and finally gave up.

          A couple of months ago she and her husband joined a country club, I googled it and its apparently very fancy. So I logged into her newly created online account for the club and changed every field except the phone number to something along the lines of “How do you not know your own email address? Seriously, is it that hard to memorize? Stop using my email address, I’m tired of getting your emails. Figure it out.” I’m hoping she’ll get embarrassed at her new country club and maybe, just maybe, learn her own damn email address.

    2. Oldster*

      I’m having this with some school in Florida. Every new teacher seems to get my email address (appears to be the parents). Have no idea where the problem is but you would think that when you get no response that you would verify the address with the student.

    3. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Some woman apparently was applying for personal loans and used my cell phone number. That was an interesting week, but it’s died down.

    4. Jen RO*

      I was also a Gmail early adopter and there are several people in at least two countries (US and Malaysia) who think my address is theirs. (I am in neither of those countries.) I’ve never gotten anything confidential, but I did get:
      * A request from someone who was divorcing an American but wanted to remain the US, asking “Jen” for a letter to help her with her visa.
      * Kindergarten schedule.
      * B&N account with the card details saved.
      * Several dating sites (and I think one of them was a man – my email handle is a variation of Jen)
      * Phone bills from Malaysia (this Jen is always late on them)
      * Endless mailing lists

      I emailed back when it sounded important (and I mostly got replies), and I closed down the B&N and dating site accounts. I just delete the rest.

      1. Ethyl*

        Seconding the springs! Gus will fetch them but he also entertains himself endlessly with them! My favorite is when he’ll drop one then go hide around the corner so he can “sneak up” on it lololol!!!

        1. Polar Bear Don't Care*

          I now have 25 springs for my cat. She loses them regularly but with so many she can usually find one (and my husband will go spring-hunting every few days to retrieve the lost ones). They’re her favourite toy and pretty inexpensive too!

        2. Lcsa99*

          I agree on the springs too! One of our kitties just loves to throw them in the air and pounce on them. He hardly plays with anything else but he adores the springs.

      2. CatCat*

        My mom’s kitten also LOVES the springs and also fetches them. It’s adorable/hilarious!

        I got him one of the tunnels (it is actually three tunnels that meet in the middle) and he is bonkers for it!

    2. Anonymous Educator*

      A good one is the stick with a colored (rainbow) rope on the end. We’ve had three cats, and they’ve all loved that one.

      Also, get an empty cardboard box. That’s also a big hit with kitties!

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        The rainbow one! It’s this, I think:
        https://amzn.to/2VACdaC

        Olive was obsessed with this for a while and I wanted to buy another and could not figure out the search terms to use to find it, until my husband pointed out that it’s a caterpillar, which I had totally missed.

        1. Cruciatus*

          I actually thought they might mean the Cat Dancer. It’s just a stick with a long piece of fabric–sometimes rainbow but there are many different kinds. Mine was called something like the Cat Dancer Cat Charmer. That’s a favorite.

          I took a cardboard box and cut holes into it (instead of paying like $30+ to buy something like this with pre-holes). Anyway, that’s a lot of fun. It makes it harder to play the star chaser (ball on a circular track with the cardboard box on its side nearby. The kitten likes to stick his paw out to try and reach the ball). You can also hide toys in the holes. And when your cat trashes the box you just get more stuff from Chewy and you have another box!

        2. Lena Clare*

          Laser pen!

          And omg my cats are obsessed with anything wriggly on a stick that I can move just out of reach so they have to jump up to get it. They love it.

          1. WS*

            I got a laser pointer for my cats. They were really excited for about a minute, then they looked around and realised I was holding the laser, gave me a look of Great Disgust, and never played with it again! But if it’s a feather on a stick, it’s totally fine that I’m holding it, no big deal.

            1. Lena Clare*

              Oh that’s so funny, really!
              Mine know that I’m holding it, but they love it. As soon as they hear me pick it up they look all alert like *where’s she going to point it now?*

        3. Anonymous Educator*

          I honestly don’t remember what it was originally called or even where we got it (I think at a local pet store), but ours is similar to that but a little different. It’s a long transparent plastic stick with a rainbow soft fabric “rope” attached to it.

        4. Works in IT*

          I just ordered the springs for them, so far their favorite toy is actually the ball that goes along the track in a circle. They sit one on either side of the track and bounce it at each other, and if one of them starts playing with it the other comes running!

    3. overcaffeinatedandqueer*

      According to my cats…bugs. They don’t eat them, but play with them until they die from blunt force trauma. Then they look at their parents like “why is my toy not moving?”

    4. The Man, Becky Lynch*

      If they’re like my kitty, cat toys will not be needed. He prefers trash.

      Only things I’ve bought he uses is his cat tree and corrugated scratching boxes LOL. Laser pointer is a hit too! Otherwise gimme milk-rings and the clear tabs that come off deli foods. He carries them in his teeth and plays happily.

      1. Gir*

        Sounds like my cats. Favorite toys in no particular order:

        Cardboard boxes
        Bags. Preferably paper. Plastic will work in a pinch
        Tops of any “pull here to open” bags
        Milk rings
        Tops of any kind of bottle (pop/milk/etc.)
        Hair ties
        Random bits of string
        Bugs
        Rays of sunlight and the beams from headlights at night
        And (rarely) the cheap 3 for $2 catnip mice

        1. Gir*

          Oh. I forgotten crumpled up pieces of paper. The louder the paper the better. They prefer parchment paper (like the kind you cook with)

    5. Rainy*

      Springs, the foil material balls, bigger toys they can fight with (I like the ones that have crunchy foil stuff inside because my cat likes to hear the crunch), smaller toys filled with catnip they can toss around. Our cat LOVES the tiny foam soccer balls. Also treat-dispensing toys are good. Get lots of scratching stuff (we have a giant kitty condo and also some cardboard scratchers, one with a ball race). We have the Catit I think it’s called a “wellness station” or something? We call it her throne, and she ADORES it. We also have a Catit flower fountain, and her downstairs food is in the Catit cup feeder and the upstairs food is in the Catit food puzzle tree. (I just like Catit products!)

      Whether you get a Catit fountain or not, definitely have a fountain on each level of your place, minimum. We also offer still water just to cover the bases. The fountains are good for cats not just because the water is moving, which they love, but because the filters are good for the cats’ health according to my vet. Clean your fountains with vinegar and hot water every 2 weeks and change the filter. Also you can disassemble the pump and clean it out periodically, and you should. I have an old toothbrush and a narrow straw brush that I use only for pet fountain cleaning.

      1. Brilliant Mistake*

        Agree on the fountains! Cats love running water. I bought and discarded several commercial fountains for getting kind of slimy too quickly (despite using filtered water WITH a carbon filter inside the fountain) and found them to be a PITA to take apart, clean fully, and reassemble. I tried different companies, etc. and finally found one I like on Etsy. It’s hand-made ceramic and the colors are beautiful. Also, they are quick and easy to clean. (I think maybe the plastic of the previous ones was problematic with the slimyness?). I think the Etsy shop was called something like Thirsty Cat. Highly recommend!

        I’ll have to investigate the Catit wellness center, though — I’ve never seen it before, and it looks so interesting!

    6. Tris Prior*

      Honestly, my kittens’ favorites have been paper grocery bags and the crunchy brown packing paper that comes in orders from Chewy!

      Anything that they can pick up in their little kitten mouths and carry around has been their preference. The little plastic springs, small rattly mice, the lightweight Mylar sparkle balls. Be careful with feather toys and string toys until you are reasonably sure they won’t swallow them; I had a cat who could not be left unsupervised around string – found that out after an incident requiring a kitty ER visit – but my current crew seems content to bat and chew but not swallow.

    7. Angwyshaunce*

      It’s also fun to experiment with random stuff around the house. For instance, my kitty loves those plastic rings that come on containers (like sour cream or ice cream).

    8. Worked in IT forever*

      Yup, springs, foil balls, Cat Dancers, laser pointers, wands with feathers attached …

      Also, one of our cats just loooooves this: https://www.amazon.com/SmartyKat-Hot-Pursuit-Concealed-Motion/dp/B00EZTCW94. (We might have bought ours from a pet supply store or Walmart–can’t remember.) She’ll drive us nuts by pawing at it until we turn it on for her. She’s destroyed the feather tip a couple of times, but I’ve MacGyvered another one by reusing feathers from a cheap cat toy.

      Another favourite is a homemade catnip toy made from a sock (here’s a use for those orphan socks). Just put some dried catnip (places like PetSmart sell jars of the stuff) into the toe of the sock and tie a knot in the ankle part of the sock. The cats tend to hug or chew or claw at the sock, not so much play with it, though. I don’t know whether there’s a problem giving catnip to kittens, though!

  61. overcaffeinatedandqueer*

    So this year yet, after I take care of my anxiety (probably be done with whatever I choose to do by mid July), wife and I will be hosting exchange students!

    One is a mini summer homestay for just a bit and the other is for maybe 2 months in the fall. We did it last year and enjoyed it. I just hope they’re used to cats! And thank god, the kid coming in the fall is going to be able to take the bus. It’s a bit of a mess to have to drop off and pick up every day!

    The longer stay is with a German kid. I’m excited to practice my skills a bit. Only I am also going away for a week to German immersion camp for adults while he’s here. Might be kind of funny to hear what he thinks of their concept of a traditional German village.

    1. FormerExchangeStudent*

      Exciting, thank you for opening your home to foreign exchange students! I am sure they’ll love it and will love the cats. I was a German student in the US once for a whole high school year and it was an incredible experience that has shaped me in many ways. I am still in contact with my second family, more than ten years later.

  62. The Man, Becky Lynch*

    Ever since my dad had gotten through cancer treatments and I had found stability in my relationship with my partner, my anxiety has been pretty much locked in a cage and I’ve been free other than few minor stress-out kind of things when a job went sideways.

    Then this week, after some rather flippant advice from a medical professional to “monitor my headaches” and “worse case that’s unlikely but worse case your brain is swelling”, I started dealing with standard seasonal allergies. Cue the head pressure. And all hell broke loose. I ended up going to the ER, bawling and full panic attack because I had minor pain, much may have been brought on by the hyper vigilant monitoring I was doing.

    The doctors have all been so kind and understanding and informative throughout this ordeal. From the UC nurse practitioner, to ED doc to my PCP. I’ve gotten my referral to therapy in the shoot as well.

    It’s been a heck of a week. My purpose is to hopefully tell any of you who may also be struggling that there are a lot of compassionate people out there. If you’re finding them or scared to ask for help because you think doctors are pompous jerks, things aren’t always what you fear.

    I had bad experiences when I was younger with callous “you’re fine,suck it up” caregivers who went so far as to call me a liar a few times. But it turns out that’s not the norm. Even the person who was TMI and not enough substance in her medical advice was still a nice person.

    With all that’s scary and wrong with the world, most people are good deep down. (Don’t tell my dad, he was right all along.)

    1. Overeducated*

      I’m sorry, that sounds like a terrifying week! It’s lovely that you’ve seen some goodness in the midst of it. I hope you see some improvement and/or get some useful answers soon.

      1. The Man, Becky Lynch*

        Thank you. I’ve felt a lot better after the docs talked to me! I’m putting myself on bed rest today to relax and catch on sleep the anxiety stole from me.

  63. littlebeans*

    Where should we go for a honeymoon? My first choice is Greece because I studied greek history in college and have never been (also because I feel like we will never take an expensive trip like this if it’s not for a honeymoon) but my fiance doesn’t want to be somewhere crowded and touristy. He wants to just hang out on a beach somewhere like Fiji or Tahiti, but I don’t want to be bored after a few days on the beach and want to be able to do cool adventurous and cultural things too.

    So I think our compromise is somewhere like Indonesia or Thailand where we think we can do some of both of those things? Any thoughts about either of those locations, or somewhere similar that might also meet our criteria?

    1. Traffic_Spiral*

      Fiji and Tahiti will also be crowded and touristy. Find a few of the smaller greek islands where you can stay and chill for a bit before going back to the main cities.

      1. littlebeans*

        Yeah, we have to go in summer (he’s a teacher and can’t get time off during the school year) so most places we’re interested in are probably going to be semi crowded no matter what :(.

    2. Dan*

      My favorite “all in one” place (as in, don’t need to move hotels) is Bali. You can get beach, non beach, adventure, and all of that stuff within an easy drive. Some parts of Bali are more touristy than others, but I would think it would be easy enough to avoid the crowds.

      If you got to Thailand, Patong Beach in Phuket is so overcrowded its ridiculous. You’ll have to get out of the way a bit to avoid the mass crowds but you do run a bit of a risk of being “stuck” at the resorts. City/culture and “beach” in Thailand do not go hand in hand, at least IMHO. You’ll have to move around a bit to experience everything.

      Tahiti and the Maldives are going to be hard-to-get-to stuck-at-the-resort-without-much-to-do and very touristy sorts of places. I’m not sure the juice is worth the squeeze.

    3. Cambridge Comma*

      Athens is a trip you will never forget, and if you follow it up with a quiet and beautiful island it seems like you would have the best of both worlds? I stayed on Lycabettus Hill once and it was super quiet, but the second time directly in front of the Acropolis in the height of summer was also not too stressful.

      1. littlebeans*

        We only have 10 days so I’m worried that’s not enough time. I really want at least a day or two in Athens (where we would probably fly in) and I also really want to see Santorini even though I know it will be super crowded. Then once you add in a third location, I feel like we’ll spend half of our time traveling…

        1. Dan*

          For ten days, I wouldn’t go to Asia. I mean, it’s doable but, as you said, you will actually *feel* like you’re spending half your time traveling (’cause you actually will.) Europe is doable in ten days, and given jet lag and what not, I’d say three places is doable but pushing it. For something more relaxing, two places will be fine.

          You mentioned Tahiti earlier – going to the outlying islands can really take some planning. You can get to Papete from LAX nonstop, but the other islands may not offer daily service.

    4. Grace*

      The tip I saw for Greece (not firsthand experience) is that you should choose to stop on an island without an airport. Fly into one of the bigger islands, then ferry over to a smaller one. No crowds!

    5. I edit everything*

      I’ve heard that Croatia is an amazing destination. Much less touristy, but very cool. On the Mediterranean, so you’ve got that, plus amazing history.

      1. littlebeans*

        Funny, he really likes Croatia too! I’m leaning toward Indonesia – maybe a few nights in Bali and a few nights on a more remote beachy island.

      2. lapgiraffe*

        Just met a lovely Croatian man while traveling and he was saying this about the beaches as well, and my other friends who have been there have literally come back mind blown.

        Another thing I thought of that (I’m assuming your US) is close enough to offer some bang for buck in terms of time and money, Mexico City followed by Tulum. Some city and history, then some beach and great food, absolutely wonderful times in both.

    6. BRR*

      I was in Greece in late March and the amount of people didn’t bother me. Can you go during the off season? Locals recommended the islands in September. I personally liked not taking a honeymoon right after my wedding, I was exhausted.

      1. littlebeans*

        We can’t, unfortunately. My fiance is a teacher so he can’t take time off during the school year. We can only go anywhere in June or July. (Well, he also gets 2 weeks for winter break, but I’m guessing we don’t want to go to Greece in December!)

        1. Cruciatus*

          Gotta say….Greece in December sounds amazing! I was there in the summer–heatwave! Temps over 100, high humidity. I wanted to die. I’m sweating profusely in all of my pictures and carrying huge bottles of water. Additionally, being there during a major holiday could be really special too!

          1. littlebeans*

            Oh well, I assumed it wouldn’t be very good beach weather! I also read some articles online that said a lot of places on the islands shut down in the winter.

            1. Grace*

              I’ve done Cyprus over New Year, and I did swim in the sea! Of course, I’m from the UK, so anything above 16C is nice and balmy.

            2. BRR*

              From what I read and heard, the islands mostly shut down overt the winter and in August so yeah that wouldn’t work.

    7. Koala dreams*

      Greece has beaches! I fear Indonesia or Thailand will be even more crowded than Greece. All of those places has plenty of historical sights.

    8. Gramercy*

      I would skip Thailand in the summer as it’s the rainy season. Anyone I’ve known who has gone during the rainy season has ended up spending a good portion of their trip either indoors, or schloshing through downpours. We once went at the tail end of the rainy season and it down poured every afternoon. We’ve always enjoyed it more during the dry seasons.

      Bali is gorgeous in the summer (particularly in July & August) when there is a lovely breeze that keeps the heat more tolerable. As someone mentioned above, there’s a really nice mixture of beaches, mountains, relaxing, and tourist/cultural sites. Although the last time we went it had been developed a lot, with quite a bit of traffic (more than some of the infrastructure could handle) and more crowded than some of our earlier trips.

      Other ideas in Asia – Vietnam (Central Vietnam will be hot and dry in summer – good for beaches, North & South will be more humid/rainy I think) or Okinawa in Japan which has some historical sites as well as different remote island/beaches. Although if I was trekking out to Japan, I’d probably be more inclined to go to Kyoto, Tokyo and other cultural sites versus the beach.

    9. Marion Q*

      Bali is pretty crowded the days I think, so if you go to Bali maybe try to go to the less popular places. As an alternative, I strongly suggest Lombok. It’s the island next to Bali, as gorgeous but less crowded and touristy.

    10. Overeducated*

      Go to Greece! Bring the Blue Guide! Go to some small coastal town with only one very marginal “hotel” for your quiet beach time, but do the history stuff too!

      1. jolene*

        Tuscany. Stay at the Oceanomare B&B. There are lots of lovely and historic hill towns towards Siena – Pienza, Montepulciano, Bagno Vignone, Montalcino etc.

      2. Reba*

        Little beans, because you know so much about Greece I really think you should go! Greece is amazing and I loved Crete the most. if I could do again I’d go to a smaller island or two as well.

        I also think that because you are going to travel in summer–and with a spouse in education you will likely often be traveling in summer–you can try to just accept that places you go will be full of fellow travelers. Except for places that are really, really hot and/or southern hemisphere, it just IS the high season. So don’t contort your plans to try to avoid that reality, but set your expectations accordingly.

        IME shoulder season vs high season does make an appreciable difference. And one exception to this way of thinking is France–it’s the most visited country on Earth, well worth avoiding in July/August.

        Good luck planning your trip and I hope you enjoy it!

    11. Bluebell*

      Years ago I went to Crete in August and it was amazing. Beautiful beaches plus amazing history and some great hikes. But I have no idea what the temperature would be in December.

    12. LadyGrey*

      Kos or Corfu! Both Greek islands, Kos has a lot of beautiful ancient Greek ruins, and both have some very lovely beaches you can spend forever on. If you rent a car you can always drive to a quieter beach, but there’s good public transport too. Tui the travel company have some good setups there, hotels with bus trips to various ancient sites. Good luck, and enjoy!

      1. LadyGrey*

        And if you’re after cities, Thessaloniki in Greece is amazing- lots of museums, lots of ancient ruins- and plenty of good food! It’s not near a beach, but go for a day or two and move on!

    13. Alex*

      As much as I loved my trip to Indonesia and dream about going back there, I think you should stick to your guns and go where your heart really wants to go! If your fiance wants to just lounge on the beach, there’s opportunity to do that there. You don’t need to change the destination of your trip if what he wants to do is just relax–you can do that anywhere! Go get your Greek culture and just build in some time to the trip to have some days when you are just relaxing.

      I will say that if you go to Indonesia you might find your dollar stretches further. Very cheap after you buy your plane ticket.

    14. Zinnia Bee*

      I haven’t been in years, but my favorite beach-plus-culture destination is Borneo! Sabah is simply incredible, and it wasn’t *too* touristy when I was there (granted, about 15 years ago).

      It is hands down the most tropically-beautiful place I have ever been— and it is interesting as well! Orangutan sanctuaries! River trips! Proboscis monkeys! Longhouses of former headhunting tribes!

  64. Rebecca*

    I hung out with some of my car club friends today, it was nice. I wanted to drive my old Ford LTD but of course, it won’t start and nothing I did could change that. I think there’s water in the fuel, a clogged fuel filter, or maybe the fuel pump itself isn’t working. I’m not sure, and I can’t find the repair manual. I know I have one, it’s a matter of finding it. I dumped gas in the carburetor, and it turns over and runs for a few seconds, then quits. Ugh!!! My Dad would have known exactly what to do. I stopped at the part store and wasn’t surprised to find out they don’t stock fuel filters for a 1977 model year car :) I hope to make some progress via The Google and YouTube!

    Mom sent me to the landfill with tires this morning. I loaded up 16 tires, some with rims, and got rid of them since it’s our county’s tire collection day. My cousin’s husband has the name of a “junk guy” who will come and get scrap metal, so I’m starting to put together a pile of that for him. I’m also going to get a load of stuff for the landfill, and hope to take it over this Friday afternoon after work, as I’m getting out at Noon. Dad’s been gone for 2 years, and I know people must think I was procrastinating, but now I finally feel like I can clean stuff up and get rid of tools, parts, etc. It’s time.

    Projects like this make me miss my Dad all the more. Mom is zero help, and if it’s possible, she’s becoming more negative and judgemental as time goes on. My daughter had upgraded her TV, and her old one was perfectly good, and tons better than the 2007 model flat screen Mom was watching, so I brought the second hand TV home, hooked it up, was very pleased….and she complained. It sounds funny, why is the picture like that, why is that little thing on the screen when I press mute (it’s the graphic of the speaker showing the TV is muted). Yesterday she trapped me at the table while I was eating supper, and was criticizing the eating habits and other health issues of people she knows, all the time saying “my blood pressure is just fine, and I don’t take any medication” and “Jane shouldn’t eat brownies, she has type II diabetes, why I don’t even eat brownies, and my blood sugar is just fine” and I think you get the drift. My God what a buzzkill that woman is. I recognize this for the miserable trap it is – once I get the second half of the divorce settlement done, and I can get back on my feet financially a bit more and get some things paid off, I’m out of here. I literally cannot stand to sit in the same room with my own mother for more than 10 minutes. I feel like a horrible person for saying that, but it’s true.

    Off to find my repair manual and see what I need to do to make that old car work again. I’m actually looking forward to the challenge!! I’m trying to sell it, and I need it to run!

    1. tangerineRose*

      Just because she’s your mom doesn’t make her a good person or someone who’s easy to be around. Sorry you’re having to deal with her – she sounds tough to be around.

    2. LibbyG*

      Would a bottle of dry gas help get the Ford running?

      Best of luck with all the clean-out stuff and maintaining your mental health amid that kind of negativity.

      1. Rebecca*

        I picked up some Sea Foam and I’m going to try that, some of the other car people said they had trouble too, since we have so much rain and humidity here now, and that helped them. Thank you! I finally feel like I can do a full clean out and get rid of things. I’m keeping some keepsakes, and have a few people in mind to take some of the tools, etc. as they are old but in good shape and useful, so not valuable except if you don’t have a socket set for example, it would help so you didn’t have to buy one. It’s been 2 years, and all of a sudden, I feel like a switch was thrown and I’m ready to deal with it.

    3. NoLongerYoung*

      Wonderful progress. Tires take so much room!! So gratifying to see forward momentum! And I’ll bet mom doesn’t hang out in the garage to help, so bonus points in avoiding her. Hope you get the Ford started….

    4. WoodswomanWrites*

      Grief takes its own time to move through. It’s not surprising that two years have been needed to deal with your dad’s things, especially considering how much you’ve had to wrestle with for your divorce and your mom’s negativity.

      Buzzkill sounds right, and I can’t imagine having to live with someone like that day in and day out. Rooting for you as always, as each day gets you closer to the time when you’ll be financially stable enough to move out and get your own place. And good luck with the car!

    5. Blue Eagle*

      Good for you for being ready to get rid of your Dad’s stuff after only two years. It’s been over 4 years for me and I’m finally ready to get rid of his stuff that has I moved into my house after he passed. Don’t be too hard on yourself, but it’s true that if you do a little bit every week, pretty soon you’ll find you’ve made a major dent in the stuff.

  65. Anon venty*

    Just need to vent a little. My brother just graduated with a bachelor’s of sociology. He also has a bachelor’s of communications and a bachelor’s of cultural studies. Yesterday he announced he’s starting school for a bachelor’s in the history of art in the fall. He just turned 30. He went straight from high school to college and goes from one degree to the next with only the summer in between. He still lives at home and has never had a job in life. Student loans pay for his school and my parents pay for everything else like his car and cell phone. He says he maybe wants to be a professor. But he won’t get a master’s or PHD because then he would have to be a TA or do research. Our mother and father are taking him on a cruise to celebrate his graduation. They are paying for themselves and him but if I want to go I have to pay. I have been on my own and financially independent since I was 18. I’m 31 now. Our parents didn’t give me money for college or help me get a loan because as a woman I was meant to get married and they had a wedding fund for me. I’m still single and I was never able to afford education past high school on my own. I live in a shoebox apartment and have 2 jobs. I don’t even want to go on the stupid cruise because I am estranged from my brother and barely speak to our parents. But I’m still hurt about missing the cruise

    1. Dan*

      Damn. I’m sorry. I don’t know how you could go on a cruise and enjoy it. Your parents are going to be stuck paying for your brother for a long time, because being a professor isn’t a viable “I can, therefore I will” career path. His most likely prospects are adjuncting for $3k-$5k per class, which won’t be enough to get him out from under your parents’ roof.

      1. fposte*

        He’s got a pile of bachelors’ in mushy fields and he never progresses. He’s not even going to get an adjunct position with that.

        Anon, I would absolutely be hurt in your position too. This is a dreadfully unfair and sexist way to treat two different children. It would be even if your brother had managed to launch himself, but unfortunately for him, he’s ending up as the poster child of why you don’t want to give adult children everything and never require anything, and the odds of him pulling a good life out of this aren’t great.

        So the irony is that your parents hurt both of you very much.

        1. tangerineRose*

          Yeah, everything fposte says. Your parents are being very unfair to you, and they are crippling your brother even if they don’t know it – he’s likely to have a hard time getting into “real life”.

          1. tangerineRose*

            Also, what century do they think they’re living in?! My mom’s a baby boomer, and she went to college. One of my grandmas went to college after her kids were in school. The “girls don’t need education” line went out of style a long, long time ago.

            1. fposte*

              Might be a cultural thing. There are plenty of cultures, globally speaking, that still take that stand.

              1. tangerineRose*

                I wonder how much those cultures have missed out on. Women have discovered/invented some amazing things.

            2. Thursday Next*

              What fposte said. I shared an anecdote downthread for which it would be relevant to mention that my family and the gender-unequal acquaintance are all South Asian American.

    2. Ethyl*

      Your brother and parents sound like real pieces of work. Some day your brother is going to find out that you can’t defer student loans forever, which will be hilarious. I mean for you, not him. Obvs.

      I’m sorry your family are such jerkfaces.

      1. MatKnifeNinja*

        Dimes to donuts parents cosigned on all his loans, or they are cutting a check and not telling OP

        The brother probably will never pay a cent with his own money.

        1. Ethyl*

          Sounds like brother doesn’t have any of his own money anyway (eyeroll emoji). I’m just thinking of how much money four bachelor’s degrees costs and my shoulders are up around my ears. Brother is probably safe for a while but parents die and then, as fposte says above, he’ll have no skills and no useful degree and no idea how to live on his own and oh yeah crushing debt. Anon venty’s parents really fucked up.

    3. Another Sarah*

      I’m sorry you are hitting. I have parents who favor and enable a sibling and I know how much it sucks. I’m sending hugs if you want them. When I’m hurting I try to remind myself I’m better off being independent as opposed to being enabled with no life skills. It works sometimes. Your brother will never find a job as a professor. His degrees are useless towards finding employment. I hope you feel better soon :)

    4. The Man, Becky Lynch*

      I’m so sorry your parents are so hungup and stunted with their gender role malarkey. That’s such a painful place to be.

      Your brother is going to be in a world of hurt after they come knocking for those loans. Being a professional student only works for so long. He will cap out on what they allow.

      That’s a miserable life. I know it looks cushy and great from your point of view because you’re struggling too. But you’re independent and free of having to be so utterly limited by living with parents and depending on them for your bills.

      Barring you having family money stuffed away and feeding this behavior, they will never be able to retire or enjoy their later years because they have raised a leech.

    5. Batgirl*

      Wow, mate, they suck at parenting! What are they thinking in encouraging him to be some kind of eternal King Baby? Though when does misogyny ever ‘think’? My best friend has sucky parents too and she accidentally benefitted by needing to be super independent and on her game. It doesn’t make her feel any better about the neglect. Meantime her brother is neither use nor ornament because he’s ‘a misunderstood genius’ (he’s really not). Unlike your situation though, she’d be getting pressured to go on the cruise because faaaamily. Also, so they can rag on her and gaslight her in a place with no exits. Usually she just tells them very bluntly that she despises their company.

    6. Claire*

      That truly sucks, in every single way. Your brother is a leech, and your parents are awful.
      *offers hugs if wanted*

    7. Thursday Next*

      Oh, Anon Venty, this sucks. It really does.

      As many folks here have noted, your brother is not going to be able to get a job as a professor. I don’t know if he or your parents realize that a doctorate is a required credential for faculty positions (even adjuncting jobs).

      Your post stirred up an old memory. When I was graduating high school, my mom and I dropped in on an acquaintance who was paying for her son to go to Harvard and for her daughter to go to community college. It was totally gender-based inequity, and I was seething. (To my mom’s credit, she was aghast at this too.)

      A second anecdote, with a gender flip: my MIL paid for nothing for my husband after he graduated high school, except for our rehearsal dinner. (This is what my husband wanted. He didn’t want to burden her.) She fed and housed him during the summers while he worked. Meanwhile, she took out a second mortgage to pay for my husband’s sister to go to the college of her choice, paid for her wedding, and gave her money over the years. Guess which sibling is completely self-sufficient?

      Please remember that *you* are the healthy person in this scenario—you stand on your own. That is truly priceless.

    8. Anono-me*

      Of course you’re hurt by your parents behavior about the cruise. My heart hurt just reading these few paragraphs online and for you, it is yet another unkindness from people you should be able to rely on to be kind to you.

      I don’t have any useful advice to make it hurt less. As Another Sarh said internet hugs if welcome.

      I do hope you come back on a Friday and ask for people to brainstorm advice on how to go further with your education, because it sounds like more education is something that would mean a great deal to you. There are a lot of smart people here who know lots of useful things and are willing to be helpful and share their knowledge. And you have already demonstrated that you can accomplish a great deal by choosing to become a strong independent woman, contrary to the path that you were being guided to take.

      1. Thursday Next*

        ITA that you should come back to brainstorm ideas for furthering your education. This commentariat will have some good leads.

    9. Nacho*

      That sounds hard. My own little brother used to be a little bit like that too, but luckily he grew out of it.

      Just remember that, while his life might seem nice now, it’s not sustainable. Student loans have limits which he’ll reach pretty soon, and he’s going to be in for a rude awakening once they do as a 30 year old with no work experience.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I’m surprised he’s still getting loans; usually the federal type stop being options after your first bachelor degree. (Which means he’s probably doing private loans, which are an even bigger problem down the road.)

    10. WoodswomanWrites*

      What an awful scenario, and so deeply unfair. Of course you’re disappointed about missing the cruise but imagine if you went–you’d be stuck with your uncaring family.

      Your parents are doing no one any favors. Your brother will be completely helpless when inevitably he is forced to be financially independent, whereas you can be proud of being on your own two feet. It sounds like you’d like to pursue college, and it’s certainly not too late to do that. I’m willing to bet that there are scholarship programs you would be eligible for. There are those that are not only income-based, but there are programs out there that support adult women to get degrees. And here’s another stranger sending you an internet hug.

    11. Not So NewReader*

      So very sorry.

      The advice I read that helped me the most was, “When our parents fail us, what we can do is vow to be good parents to ourselves.” Promise yourself that you will give yourself the care that your parents seem unable to give to you.

      I can’t tell for sure, perhaps you would like to go to college yourself and have not been yet. Or perhaps you would like to become the world’s best glass-blower and have not moved toward that goal yet. Whatever it is that pulls you, go check it out and see if it seems like you would have a good chance of succeeding with that career. In the end, by helping yourself move along, you will give yourself way more than your parents ever gave your brother.

    12. Blue Bunny*

      This is premature for you, but I’m about 15 years farther down this road: your brother is not going to change, and once your parents are old enough to need elder care, you are going to have some hard choices to make. Your brother will panic and expect you to handle everything. If your parents have not properly prepared their estate, your brother could end up destitute and homeless. A chronic illness could eat their wealth in a matter of months, and I have no doubt they will all turn to you since “women are caregivers”.

      Hopefully this issue is a long way off. Nonetheless, I encourage you to find out what your responsibilities are (some filial piety laws are a draconian mess). Even though it’s best for your mental health to put distance between you all, I would suggest finding out whether they have designated power of attorney, a trust, or anything similar. Reach-back laws can make it impossible to make these decisions once they’re needed.

      I say this not to panic you, but because I want you to avoid the nightmare I’ve been through. Don’t end up parenting your brother and nursemaid-ing your parents.

      1. WoodswomanWrites*

        Wise advice, and sorry to hear about your experience.

        OP, my sister-in-law has a situation that’s not identical, but similar enough to add here as advice for the future. Her brother has been mentally ill most of his life, and neither her parents nor her brother would acknowledge or address it. He lived with his parents until they eventually passed away. Anticipating challenges, my sister-in-law fortunately was able to talk with her mother to get a trust set up for him in advance. Now in his sixties, he lives in the house he was born in that was left to him and has a conservatorship where an attorney takes care of his finances, etc. This has prevented both his being homeless and my sister-in-law, who lives in a different state, from having to be his caretaker.

    13. Courageous cat*

      Wow at your brother tho! Has he done no research as to the usefulness of… a bachelor’s degree in a liberal art? I mean, don’t get me wrong, one is useful, but what the hell is 3-4 going to do? This is amazing.

    14. Ella Vader*

      My mom called this kind of behavior by parents “wanker worship.” Sorry you’re having to deal with it.

  66. FuzzFrogs*

    I bought the Polaroid Originals OneStep 2 recently and I fucking adore it. I’ve been shooting with an Instax instant camera for a few years, and I’ve really enjoyed it, but this camera’s something else.

    Between this and my recent sewing hobby, I feel like I’ve taken some positive steps to carve out a part of me that is NOT attached to my smartphone, and it’s weird how nice that feels. I feel like my mental health has really improved just because I have more tangible things in my life, and in the case of the photos, proof of how many loved ones and special moments I’ve had over the past few years. I really specifically suffer from feeling insignificant and unwanted, and having physical proof in my hands is somehow way more helpful than browsing my phone photos.

    Also, I tried a new dye job on my hair and it didn’t work out like I planned and now I have a big blue stripe across the back of my head until I can wash it out :(

    1. Lilysparrow*

      Solidarity on the dye job. I tried a new color to touch up my highlights and got overly ambitious.

      I look like Cercei Lannister had a baby with a taxicab. High-visibility yellow.

    2. The New Wanderer*

      One of my home highlighting experiments resulted in leopard spots across the back of my head. Never go it alone on highlights, never ever use those silly caps with the holes, and if you do both, never ever *ever* just get impatient and smear the highlight paste onto the cap after pulling the strands of hair through, because it definitely will seep through the holes.

      Also, sewing is awesome at giving you a feeling of accomplishment. Sure, not everything turns out perfectly, but even a simple thing like hemming a pair of pants so I’ll finally wear them is a good feeling.

  67. Thunderstruck with a side of hail*

    Safe weekend for the 18M in the path of these storms. We’re in the midst of them here in Fort Worth and we just finished our new roof after a freak February hail storm…

  68. Marion Ravenwood*

    Is anyone here watching Eurovision this weekend? I know it’s deeply uncool but I absolutely love it – I’ve been watching it for 20 years (since the last time the UK hosted. Which will probably also be the last for a while) and it’s normally an occasion to get together with some of my good friends. Sadly this year all my Eurovision buddies are doing other things though so tonight it’s just me and the cats.

    My favourites this year are Czech Republic, Belarus, Estonia, San Marino, Switzerland, Denmark and Azerbaijan. I also really liked Ireland and Latvia but sadly they didn’t qualify from the semi-finals. Apparently the Netherlands is the big favourite, although personally I wasn’t keen.

    1. Middle School Teacher*

      Me! I haven’t watched the semis or anything so I’m not familiar with the acts, but it’s always a good time.

      1. Middle School Teacher*

        Update: so far I’ve really liked Germany, Czech Republic, and Denmark.

    2. Koala dreams*

      I am! I like Denmark, North Macedonia and Switzerland, though I haven’t heard all the songs so maybe I’ll find a new favourite tonight.

      1. Koala dreams*

        I really like Australia! Those sticks looks uncomfortable, though. The song is beautiful! I’m also fond of Belarus.

        1. Middle School Teacher*

          I also really liked Australia. The song was catchy and the staging was awesome.

          1. Jen Erik*

            They should get a special award for that staging. It was exactly what you want from Eurovision.

    4. Jen Erik*

      I liked Denmark. Now I’m waiting for Madonna, but I’m going to skip the results.

        1. Middle School Teacher*

          She was AWFUL. I’m watching on bbc one and graham norton was talking about how no one has seen this, closed rehearsal etc and I thought, has Madonna seen this? Because I don’t think she has…

          1. Kali*

            I was pretty shocked – the drunk-auntie karaoke and Madonna-as-Jesus imagery was bad enough, but then she pulls out the gas masks and the Israeli and Palestinian flags. I’m not even sure what she was trying to say – I think it was either, “Israel, don’t repeat the crimes that were done to you against others” or “look at me, I’m shocking!”.

    5. Elizabeth West*

      I AM FURIOUS because I can’t access it (I’m in the US). Logo TV decided not to show it anymore and I didn’t have time to set up a VPN. Plus, I had the hair drama to deal with and missed it anyway. Arrrrghhh!

    6. Jaid*

      I missed it, 1) being in America and 2) watching Endgame.

      Hopefully they’ll show reruns where I can watch it online.

      1. jolene*

        FYI, it was one of the worst Eurovisions in living memory. Not one song I ever want to hear again, and we’re huge fans generally.

        2. Middle School Teacher*

          I did really like Australia, and I thought the Czech song was catchy. And Iceland cracked me up. They were kind of a breath of fresh air in a sea of generally bland pop. And then Graham Norton! After they finished, there were about three seconds of silence, and then he said “well, they do have very long winters there.”

  69. Batgirl*

    I’m pretty bummed out because after months of not seeing any houses we both like, we found two which are not going to work out.
    The first one we saw, I fell in love with it. The rooms and layout are all great, so is the location. But my eagle eyed partner saw mousetraps just outside the back door and damp in the upper corners of the smallest bedroom.
    The second one, my partner liked the fact it had been recently renovated with good size rooms, I liked the nearby amenities. But making a driveway would be impossible and street parking would be dicey.
    The estate agent (I trust him, he sold my house) listened to what we wanted and recommended a house on his books which cost an extra one third of our budget. Nope.
    So he said we should check out *slightly out of the way* house. It needs a new kitchen and bathroom etc. My partner is dead against fixer-uppers and it’s smack bang in the territory of my ex’s family. Otherwise I would consider it very doable at the 85% of budget price.
    EA’s third piece of advice is ‘move faster’ because people are moving into our small town in droves right now. However partner seems too drained midweek to get moving straight away. He’s content to wait for the right place. I just wanna move before I’m an old lady.
    We’ve been looking since September and these are the second and third houses we’ve viewed. Feeling very deflated, especially if what we want really is so far out of budget.

    1. WellRed*

      Why have you looked at only 3 houses? Are there really no possibilities ($, location) or are you giving them too fast a pass before you go see them?

      1. Batgirl*

        The location we want is also one of the cheapest but people hardly ever move away because the community is great (we’re looking for three bed family homes). Most weeks the listings are like tumble weeds and then occcasionally, when the kids are off school there’s a bunch listed all at once. The ‘season’ for selling starts now. Some of these we’ve had to rule out immediately because street view flagged up obvious deal breakers like a pub next door, vacant flats with broken windows or it’s up a walkway where you couldnt take a car.

    2. Brilliant Mistake*

      It’s so hard to finally settle on a house, I know! However, it could be worth your time and effort for the first one to have an inspector assess the mouse and dampness issues. Either can seem like a big deal if you’re not used to having to think about/fix them, but it could be easier and cheaper than you might think. The second one would be a deal-breaker for me, as I had too many years of difficult street parking to ever do that again. Looking at houses is fun, until it’s not. Maybe also ask your agent about the first house; he likely has some experience to share about those issues.

      1. Batgirl*

        We actually talked about that this morning and decided we’re not jazzed enough about the house to risk paying for a survey that’ll probably just find out more. He also saw issues with the roof and the smallest bedroom (in Britain this is the ‘box room’). I fell for the vast majority of the rooms especially the downstairs kitchen diner; but didn’t see the damp, mouse traps, cracked roof tiles or ‘we were expecting a box room but that was a cupboard. You’d never get a bed in there’. He’s right.
        He’s asked me to be less desperate to see the one. I’ve said OK if we can get a move on.

    3. Ali G*

      It took my husband and I 2 years to buy a house! I know that’s not quite reassuring, but it can be the reality in a lot of places.
      Is your agent sending you daily MLS listings? Also, even though you have an agent, sign up for listing alerts on Redfin or Zillow. You can set your location, budget, etc. and they send you new listing alerts. That actually how we finally found our house (we were working with an agent too).
      I also agree with Brilliant Mistake that mouse traps and some dampness may not be a deal breaker. You can always back out on an inspection contingency if you find out it’s more than you want to deal with (been there done that!).

      1. Batgirl*

        This actually is reassuring because I’m starting to freak out that not seeing anything yet means not seeing anything ever. I have to remember we’ve been looking in autumn/ winter, the summer season is only just beginning. We do get alerts!

    4. Overeducated*

      I’m in the same boat sort of – we are actually terminating our contract today after finally finding a place and having the offer accepted because the inspection found so much more wrong than we are willing to deal with even with some seller credit. It was also not at the top of our budget, but when we got estimates and ran the numbers for repairs, it didn’t look like quite such a good deal anymore…fixer uppers are a huge commitment and it’s probably worse than what you can see on a walk through.

      What I’m telling myself is if you regret not buying, at least you’ll be regretting it with all your money still in the bank and more flexibility to move. If you regret buying, you’re also out a lot of money and may not be able to recover the transaction and repair costs. So better to err on the side of not buying.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      I think that deflated feeling is pretty normal when people just can’t find that right house. Use some down time strategically, get some rest, regroup and so on. Then go back at it again. Getting some rest and taking time out can be very helpful.

      Once we found our house we moved pretty darn fast. We saw it and agreed half way through the house this one was it. But we said nothing and left. The realtor called a couple days later and we said we would take it. Since the price had just been reduced we were not going to argue over price. I think she fell out of her chair. It was a modest house with a modest price but we both liked it right away.

      Keep going, take small breaks strategically and keep ignoring the realtors as you have been. Stick to the price range and don’t let them frighten you about other people buying a property before you.

    6. Anono-me*

      You say your agent advised you to “move faster”. To me that sounds like houses are going on the market and selling within a few days. But you guys are missing out due to waiting until the weekend to look at them because your partner is too worn out during the work week to house hunt.

      If this is the case, would it make sense for you to go look at houses midweek by yourself? Then if you really like the house, ask your partner to come look even though it’s midweek because you already think it’s a great home for the two of you.

      While this is a big decision that most couples make jointly, I very much doubt a house that you dislike is going to be one that the two of you decide to buy.

  70. Claire*

    I’m hyperventilating right now because Oprah Magazine just mentioned my novel in a “12 of the Best Recent Mystery Novels That Will Get Your Blood Racing” list.

    I need to go lie down.

      1. Claire*

        Thank you! I kept re-reading the magazine name to make sure I hadn’t imagined it.

        My editor is pretty excited too. This is the first book she ever acquired.

    2. The Man, Becky Lynch*

      Congratulations! What an exciting moment, I hope there are many more to come:)

      1. Claire*

        Thank you! I wrote this book because I love the main character to pieces. Which, I guess, is the best reason to write a book. :)

      1. Claire*

        Thank you!! We’re actually going on vacation starting tomorrow. Japan! Baseball in Tokyo!

      1. Claire*

        I KNOW! I really did stop breathing a moment, which was followed by hyperventilating. Spouse was worried about me until I could finally explain.

    8. NoLongerYoung*

      Congratulations…..what a wonderful thing to.see your hard work recognized!

    9. Elizabeth West*

      Woo hooooooo!! \0/

      Congratulations! (now fingers crossed for meeeeeeeee!)

      1. Claire*

        Thank you!

        And fingers crossed for you, most definitely! And hey, if you want to connect with me on Twitter, I’m @claireodell99.

    10. Texan In Exile AKA the gold digger who for a while was also The Candidate's Wife*

      That is wonderful! Congratulations!

      Searching now – I will read every one on the list just to make sure I read yours!

  71. Jayess*

    Now that I think about it, this might have suited yesterday’s open thread a bit better, but since I’m feeling pretty emotional about it, it struck me as more of a Saturday thread than Friday; I’m less worried about the work part of things than about my own sanity.

    I’m going back to school to upgrade to a full degree. I already have two diplomas, so I only have about 40 more credits (or about 10 classes) to complete to be bona fide bachelor of whatever. In order to make it theoretically easier to accommodate my school schedule, I’ve gone to “on call” for my workplace. That means I could go to any one of our 12 locations, and I might be called for a shift 5 weeks in advance, or the morning of the shift. I told myself this way I had more power over my work schedule, but what I’m finding is that I’m just constantly stressed out.

    Right now I’m taking a semester break, so I don’t have classes to anchor myself around. While I technically have more free time as a result of that, one of my stress responses is to avoid/escape, so I keep finding myself just scrolling mindlessly through Twitter or Instagram to self-soothe, and then finding myself in a guilt/shame spiral about all the things that I could have done with my time. I’m also finding myself more emotional and reluctant to be flexible with my spouse or friends – “can we postpone or change this” sends me into a bit of a panic spiral.

    For people who don’t have consistent, regular schedules – how do you manage this? I tried for a while to plan “if I work” vs “if I don’t work” days, but it took so much extra time and a disproportionate amount of emotional energy that I kind of just… gave up. Also, I’m undiagnosed, but I’m preeeetttyyy sure I have ADHD, so what I fondly call my “spaghetti brain” is almost definitely contributing to this feeling of being all at sea, so if any of you out there have good “managing my ADHD tips,” hit me with them please!

    1. Not So NewReader*

      This is rough even without ADD.
      You could adopt a strategy of prioritizing rest. I used to say, “If all I can do is sit and watch tv, then I need to go to bed because, basically, I am too tired to do anything.”

      I got into my 30s and totally abandoned the idea of irregular work schedules. I just could not hack it healthwise. I did not mind doing OT, but the core hours had to remain a constant. As you are saying here, I found myself worrying about scheduling work vs life way too much.

      I think that if you can, revising your hours of availability for work would be wise. For added help, perhaps you can limit the number of locations you travel to. Looking at the school end of the question, perhaps you could take less courses and that would help also.

      For the immediate, push back from the computer and get some rest. Even if you just doze and not really sleep, that would be an improvement right there. Being rested will also help with the emotions running all over the place.

    2. Batgirl*

      Sorry but my best ADD tip is having a schedule! I went back to university too and all the stress of free floating time super did a number on my health. In retrospect though, all my essays were done the very day before deadline and they got top marks. I actually have amazing hyperfocus when on a sharp deadline and having lots of time does me no favours at all.
      If I was to do it again, I’d just make peace with the fact it was going to get done late and not stress-procrastinate every day leading up to it.
      One thing I would do in advance though is I’d line up my resources and reading material ahead of time (reading comes easy to me) and write my bibliography first because I was always scrambling to do that bit.
      The other thing I’d suggest is make yourself a cup of tea first thing, and do twenty minutes of something; then you can have the whole day off guilt free.
      If you have my brand of ADD what will happen is you’ll either find A) flow; you’ll not be able to stop till it’s done. You will look up and it will be dark! B) semi-flow where you get a decent outline down but then get stuck. However you’ll spend the rest of the day with new ideas floating in for the morrow, or C) No flow, today is not the day. But take the day off anyway; you’ll still get ideas.

  72. Bethany B*

    Is anyone else sick of the overdrawn sharpy eyebrow trend? It reminds me of clown makeup. I can’t wait for this stupid trend to die. I had to stop getting my eyebrows done professionally because whoever was doing it would insist on tinting and filling/drawing them within an inch of my life. It looks stupid and not natural at all.

    1. Batgirl*

      YES. I heard a beauty blogger recently say ‘They must stand out because the eyebrows are the nipples of the face’. Honestly; GAG.
      What’s particularly annoyed me is it’s become associated with where I’m from and is also known as The Scouse (Liverpool) Brow’ No! My city has a variety of looks because it’s a port for culture as well as ships, so we have a history of ‘you saw it here first’. However only the most clownish get national attention.

      1. Batgirl*

        Oh I also had to stop getting them done professionally because they were doing them black. I’m pale and red headed. It looked like Anne Shirley had been attacked with magic marker.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        ‘They must stand out because the eyebrows are the nipples of the face’.
        Last I knew nipples standing out were not a good thing. I must have missed something here.

    2. Joielle*

      Yes! It looks ridiculous. I do fill in my eyebrows because they’re sort of patchy otherwise, but you have to blend the eyebrow pencil and soften the edges. I don’t want to look like Eugene Levy, I just want to look like I have complete eyebrows.

    3. The Man, Becky Lynch*

      Eyebrow trends come and go, so just hang back a bit!

      I’m just glad women stopped plucking them until they are pencil thin. I see old pics from the early 2000s and weep at how bad they look.

      I recently stopped getting mine done and just clean up the edges. I’m over “beauty trends” and changing yourself so dramatically to fit a current image of trendy good looks.

    4. Sparkly Lady*

      It feels very drag queen influenced to me. I don’t know why people think drag queen style makeup is good to imitate for general beauty. Drag queen is intended for stage and to be borderline caricature!

      I do performance, and I’m having to consciously pull myself back to a less overdone look. I saw video of an older performance I did in the 2000s with no eyebrow filling or contouring, and it looked great. So I’m trying to remind myself that I don’t need to do all the trends just because they’re trends.

    5. WellRed*

      Yes! And all I can find at the drugstore is eyebrow stuff, pencils, gels, mousses. I just want eyeliner.

    6. Dan*

      I hate it. As a dude, I don’t wear any. My personal opinion is that a proper makeup application should “accent” one’s features (if that makes any sense). If the makeup itself is the star of the show, it’s done wrong.

      1. Grace*

        Nah. I’m not a big eyebrow person, but if I’m going for a teal and gold smoky eye, I want it to be the star of the show. Ditto for a good red or mauve lip.

        Looking natural and accentuating what you have is all very well, and I do it fairly regularly, but dramatic looks are fun to play with and far more confidence-boosting to wear out.

      2. Makeup Addict*

        Nah. That’s all very well for boring everyday makeup, but I like makeup to be fun and colourful and playful. It’s art. I wore bright yellows, oranges, greens and metallic gold eyeshadow yesterday, and it rocked!

      3. Ethyl*

        Then I would stick with a nice BB cream, maybe a neutral eye shadow, and mascara if you just want to accent your features. You could also do some subtle highlighting if you want.

        Oh wait, you are telling people who wear makeup how you think it should be done, aren’t you? Hahaha that’s wild.

    7. Elizabeth West*

      It’s a bit much.
      I don’t do anything but get mine waxed–I’m actually a werewolf and don’t need to *do* my brows.

    8. Brilliant Mistake*

      I totally agree! My 18 year old niece had her eyebrows done when I saw her at Christmas last year, and I had to make a point not to stare. Ah, well, it’s a trend and will hopefully be gone sooner rather than later.

      Something that goes with the eyebrows is the heavy use of mascara and/or fake eyelashes — the new mascaras seem impractical to me and look way overdone for daytime wear. Estée Lauder stopped making the mascara I’ve used for over 20 years, I’m guessing a casualty of the newer trend.

      Feeling old now. Get off my lawn!

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I googled quickly just to see what the trend was. I dunno, stuff like this I tend to believe the thinking behind it IS to make other people stare at a person. Then people are surprised when others are staring. sigh. It’s probably my introversion, but I never wanted others staring at me. Anything that would cause people to stare did not appeal to me.

        1. Grace*

          See, for me, dramatic makeup is a way to deal with that urge to go unnoticed. I spent my entire teenage life desperately trying to blend into the background; I’m mostly self-conscious about my height, because I hit 5’9 at a fairly young age, long before most other girls get their growth spurts. I had a very bad back for a while because of how much I slouched to draw attention away from myself. Part of that was also that I dressed down (jeans and t-shirts) and didn’t wear any makeup.

          After a while, I decided that I wanted to wear skirts and dresses and makeup, because I’d wanted to for years but never had the confidence. If people were going to notice me, it would be because of things that I chose. I can’t choose my height, but I can choose to rock a gorgeous red lip and a dramatic eye look and a cute dress with cats on it. Maybe people will notice, but they’re going to notice anyway, so I may as well make them notice things that I take pride in. I’m still very much an introvert who would much rather people not interact with me, but being able to control the way in which the world views me is very empowering, especially as someone who spent so long wishing the world wouldn’t view me at all.

  73. Lostinlife*

    Hola!!! I have a few questions … I was diagnosed with diabetes this week and it bites. I’m still in my 20’s and this threw a major wrench into my life. I’m slightly over weight but the doctor said it mainly thanks to genentics. Both sides of family have it. My questions are? How hard was it to change your diet? How often do you have you excercise? What meals/food do you eat? What meal plans do you use? Thank you

    1. The Man, Becky Lynch*

      Have you thought of speaking to a nationalist and dietary specialist? They can help so much with meal planning. It’s important to work with professionals who understand a diabetic dietary requirements and it’ll take a lot of stress off you.

      Changing your eating is going to personal. I’ve seen some who refuse to change and have emotional meltdowns over being told they have to eliminate or moderate certain “favorite” foods. I’m lucky where I have go-to items but if you tell me “no more X”,I’m like “okay, got it!”. It may help you to classify things you shouldn’t eat as “allergies” in your mind if it’s hard to break relationships with foods for yourself!

      I’m not diabetic but have needed to change my lifestyle due to other medical issues over the years! So I’m familiar in terms of change.

      It’s scary and frustrating to change from what you’re used to but listen to the doctors and know that this is controllable and you will start thinking of it just as your dietary requirements soon.

    2. The Doctor is In*

      Plant based whole food diet. Once you make the change you will find you don’t miss the junk most people eat. “How Not to Die” is a good book to explain the benefits.

    3. WellRed*

      Type 1 here, diagnosed age 29. It’s an ongoing process. Be kind to yourself. Stick as much to whole foods as possible, more veggies, lean proteins, portion control is hugely important. Meal prep keeps me sane. I highly recommend working with a dietician CDE on some meal planning.

    4. Pam*

      Eating sufficient protein will keep your blood sugar level. Start watching your feet now- wounds are slower to heal.

    5. Elf*

      I’m not diabetic, but I have spent some periods of a few years on a diet that is reasonably similar to what is recommended for diabetes (eliminated sugar, white potatoes, and grains).

      My big takeaways on dietary changes are:

      Elimination is much easier than moderation. I can not eat sugar just fine, but I can’t eat just a little. (This is supported by human psychology; eliminating something is pre-deciding, so you don’t suffer from decision fatigue)

      Once you make it through the first week or so of eliminating something, you stop craving it so much. Having it again makes you start craving it again.

      Find things that are equally satisfying to the thing you’re not supposed to have, instead of inferior versions. For example, I don’t like tea without sugar, so if I’m eliminating sugar, I don’t drink tea at all. I substitute either coffee or warm milk, which I do like, and which are not all that similar. Be careful of things marketed to diabetics, because many will be simply unsatisfying substitutes, and things like ‘diabetic cookies’ generally have the sugar taken out, but still have the white flour which has nearly as high a glycemic index.

      Try not to get too hungry, it is bad for your decision making (and I think it’s extra bad if diabetic because it can mess up your blood sugar). Plain nuts are a great snackfood.

      It’s much easier to follow restrictive diets at home than out. If you currently eat a lot of restaurant food/takeout that may have to change. If you are going out less than about twice a month, it may be worth it to just designate that as a ‘cheat’ day, but if you are doing it more frequently that won’t work.

      Good luck!

      When you know what your restrictions are, I’m happy to share recipes!

    6. Kuododi*

      I’m type II was diagnosed about 2 ish years ago. I have been working with a dietician who as a happy coincidence is also a licensed mental health counselor. (I realize she’s a bit of a unicorn.). She’s able to work with me on food/nutrition issues as well as emotional baggage around food. What she did for my first session was have me eat my typical foods but take time to research the sugar amounts of my choices. (Particularly around processed foods and eating out.) That activity really brought home for me how much unintentional sugar I was eating. My goal is to keep my sugar intake at or below 25 grams/ day. Otherwise I stick to veggies, lean protein and grains. ( I prepare food myself as much as realistically possible.). I find that to be the most managable personally. I do have to work on intentionally measuring my starch foods (rice, pasta, beans) As is typical for pretty much all Americans I have no skills in eyeballing an appropriate amount of carbs. (FYI beans count as both a starch and a protein….per American Diabetic Association. Important to plan accordingly if you for example want red beans and rice for dinner. Counts as 2 starch and 1 protein). I work out with weights and cardio at the Y minimum 3x/week. More if I can talk myself up. Exercise is one of the best methods for getting blood sugar down to correct levels quickly. Look for what you enjoy and keeps you motivated to participate. Best of luck!!!

    7. Nicki Name*

      I grew up with a type 1 diabetic in the family.

      One relatively easy thing you can do is make sure every meal includes an unprocessed fruit or vegetable (fruit drinks don’t count, ketchup doesn’t count). Or, keep some “snackable” fruits or vegetables around (apples, grapes, carrots sticks, celery) so that you have something not full of refined sugar handy when you need a nibble of something.

      Genetics also plays a role in how you react to specific foods. While there are general categories of food you should try to have less or more of, don’t let someone tell you a specific food is “bad” or “good” until you see how it works for you.

    8. All Hail Queen Sally*

      Seconding everything Kuododi just said. Diabetes is so much more serious than most people realize and is on its way to becoming a national epidemic due to our more sedentary lifestyles. I have been struggling with keeping my blood sugar under control since being diagnosed with Type 2 a few years ago and am now on medication. Smaller meals and daily exercise are so important, as is eliminating all the hidden sugars in processed foods–and there is so much more than any of us realize. I am not much of a cook and have had to become an expert at reading labels. I had to stop eating out as much as I used to, something I still miss. You should consult a dietician (not nutritionist)–it will be eye-opening. Good luck!

  74. Cruciatus*

    I can’t remember if I heard about fictfact . com here (very likely) but if you were a user of that site it shut down over the weekend! They are saying they lost the primary source of their sales–Amazon Associate sales. There was some infraction, they corrected it and appealed but Amazon denied the appeal. Fortunately I thought to print off my lists before they completely shut down the site but you can download all your information up until July 1.

    I loved this site–does anyone know of another one like it? You used it to track book series (serieses?). It would tell you what the next book out was as you read through a series. If a book wasn’t yet published you would get an email once a publishing date was announced so you knew when the next book was coming out. Before this I was using the old fashioned pen and paper method which worked but I often forgot about. It was so nice to get those email reminders. If I was at the library or bookstore I could just open the website and see what I needed next. I know this information is all available online–but I just really liked the convenience of the site. I am on Goodreads–but can it email you about upcoming publish dates for certain series? Anyone have any recommendations for similar sounding apps or websites?

    1. CAA*

      FantasticFiction.com can email you whenever they add a new book to an author you follow. They also get their data from Amazon, so they’ll email you as soon as a book is available for pre-order and then again when it’s released.

      FictionDB.com does something similar, but I think it’s only when a book is actually released.

    2. Nacho*

      Sounds like Amazon could do all of that for you. You can follow authors, place future books in a wish list, and get recommendations based on what you’ve already read.

  75. fposte*

    I’m canvas tote bag shopping, and it’s a PITA. I’m replacing an old Lands’ End tote that was, of course, perfect, and LE no longer makes anything of the right dimensions. The sticking point seems to be that I like a shoulder strap drop that’s not currently popular–LE gives you a choice of 9″ or 14″ and I like 11″.

    But some listings give a strap length rather than drop–does anybody know if the strap length is just strap-to-the-top-of-the-bag length or, with canvas totes where the strap goes down to the bottom of the bag, the actual strap length?

    (The irony is that I have a multitude of freebie tote bags, but none of them have the perfection of my aging LE bag.)

    1. Simon*

      I like llbean bags. I don’t know if you can choose strap length, but my bag has held up well for years.

    2. Blue Bunny*

      I adore my old LE tote and I completely get your pain. I’d spend the time and money just having the 14″ straps shortened.

      1. fposte*

        I’m leaning toward that, I gotta say. I have to go to a tailor this week anyway; maybe I’ll ask her how much it would cost and how durable the altered version would be.

    3. Ranon*

      Can you find the old version on Poshmark? That’s my solution to “they don’t make the thing the way I like anymore” conundrum these days- just get the old one!

    5. Tmarie*

      In case it never comes out of moderation, and because I have zero patience, I just bought a Dalix 22″ Canvas Tote Bag from Amazon, and it had 11″ strap. It worked really well on a trip to Vegas.

  76. Madge*

    I know Alison doesn’t have a merch site anymore, but does anyone know who it was through? I love my chocolate teapots travel mug and want another like it.

    1. fposte*

      It was cafepress, and it looks like there’s still some stuff available. A “chocolate teapots” search on the site did *not* get me to the result, and neither did “ask a manager”; I’ll include a link in followup, but what i did was Google “chocolate teapots” and go to the image that I knew was the right one at cafepress, which revealed the storefront.

  77. Anon for now*

    Hi all! I am seeing a psychiatrist for the FIRST time on Thursday, about 12 years too late. I have a working diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder which will probably be confirmed there. I am very nervous and scared. For anyone who has seen a psychiatrist, what tips do you have for getting the most out of my appointment?

    1. Thursday Next*

      1. It is never too late. Good for you for taking this huge step!
      2. Be completely honest with the psychiatrist about behaviors, duration, triggers—everything. I used to be tempted to edit some details, then realized how much more productive sessions were when I told the utter, sometimes unpleasant, truth. It’s okay. They’ve seen it all before.
      3. Consider what outcomes you’d like to see, and share those with the doctor. This can be tricky. I’ll use myself as an example: when I’m really depressed, it’s hard for me to think beyond just wanting to “get better.” But other times I can identify separate goals, like working on nighttime anxiety so I can sleep better.

      Good luck!

    2. Dan*

      Ok… if you’re seeing a psychiatrist, figure out what their treatment philosophy is. Psychiatrists are MDs and as such, are permitted to prescribe medications. Psychologists are PhDs, and cannot.

      For the most part, personality disorders are not treated with medication. So make sure you’re getting the right treatment for the right problems. If you are getting medication, understand what it is for and why. You may get some to manage symptoms, but it won’t deal with the core problem.

      The upshot to getting proper treatment is that you might get your friends back (sorry, that might sound harsh). You ARE going to have to take a good hard look in the mirror and realize exactly what your diagnosis means, and what significant behavioral changes you may have to make. The other upshot is that if you struggle maintaining employment, proper treatment should make that a bit easier.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Right on, Dan. I went to a psychiatrist when my father died. He def was not what I was looking for as he kept trying to send me for medical tests and suggesting various drugs. I was looking for actionable plans where I could make changes in my life, he was not on that wave-length at all.

        Because of all the chaos at that time, I did not clearly think through what I wanted my action plan to look like. I could not put it into words. It took 8 sessions with this guy for me to figure out he did not know what to do either.

        OP, put in the time thinking about how you want to handle things. Be able to say that in words. For me, I would have said, “I want to make changes in my life so that I am not having 20-22 hour days. The lack of sleep is making me sick. Although I work on my problems 20 plus hours a day, I am not gaining ground. I need help prioritizing which problems I will work on and which problems I will just let go.” Try to come up with a parallel statement about your own setting so you have an idea where you want to go next.

    3. rubyrose*

      I love the responses you have already been given.

      Be sure you have the psychiatrist state her official diagnosis, whatever it might be, and why. If she does not commit to one, ask which one(s) she is considering and when she will make a decision.

      As to the Borderline diagnosis – here is my story. I was initially given that diagnosis back in the mid 80s, when I started my road to recovery. Back then the criteria for it was to meet 5 of 8 symptoms. But the symptoms were so general that most of the population had at least 2 of them. It was a catch all diagnosis; if the practitioner could not fit you into anything else, you became borderline.

      I ended up, in the course of group therapy, meeting people that truly were borderline. I knew their problem was different than mine. When I pressed my psychologist, she admitted that she did not agree with the psychiatrist.
      After several years and my recognizing myself in a newspaper article, the doctor admitted he was wrong.

      Hopefully, they have better defined that diagnosis by now. Just remember, though, that mistakes can be made. That is why it is important to know up front the diagnosis and the approach they recommend. Good luck.

  78. Elizabeth West*

    I am so frustrated !

    I got my hair done on Wednesday and when I looked at it at home, the roots looked WAY too dark and WAY too red. So I called the next day and talked to my stylist, and today, I went back to get it corrected. It looked better in the salon lighting, which is really glare-y, but at home, it still looks so pink, I can’t stand it. It looks like bronde hair with red roots. They said give it a week, wash it a couple of times and if it’s bothering me let them know. I can’t even.

    My hair is literally the ONLY thing I like about myself right now and it isn’t right. It isn’t right at ALL.

    My stylist said that 1) we did the same formulation as before, and 2) I’m seeing more of it since I had an inch of roots this time instead of a half inch, but I’m not buying this. I noticed a slight bit of pinkish color the last time we did it, but the next day, there was no sign of it. Not this time. I checked on Thursday in sunlight and various other lights and it was HORRIBLY obvious to me.

    I am so mad right now. I want to just scream and rip it out. The demarcation is so obvious and I want to hit them for saying they can’t see it. It is not the same–before the roots were a light golden brown, and now they look so PINK. Why can I see it and they can’t?! This has never been an issue before but now it’s utterly horrid. I don’t know what to do. She already *fixed* it once for free. But it’s still not fixed. It’s not right. It looks like shit and I hate everything and everyone right now.

    1. Not A Manager*

      I add red to my hair, and the color is very fragile. I know this is super upsetting, but do try shampooing your hair a few times and see if it tones down.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        It shouldn’t be happening AT ALL!

        We had warmed the lowlight color up with a bit of copper last autumn, and I was fine with that, but this isn’t that. She swore it was the same formulation but I’m really thinking that either something changed, or my hair has changed. I indicated that I wanted a more golden brown lowlight with no red next time and she said she would put it in my notes.

        This is on new growth, not just where the old color meets the new. It’s infuriating. I hope it fades because ugh. I also have blue shampoo, so maybe that will help some.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          It almost sounds like there is a build-up going on so the hair took the dye differently this time.

          1. Elizabeth West*

            It was on the new growth, not the already colored hair. Which tells me that something is wrong with the formula, or maybe the product changed. Before this last time, every touch-up came out a nice dark blonde / bronde color. Even when she warmed it up in the autumn with a touch of copper, it STILL wasn’t that dark or that red.

            It looked like Natasha’s hair in Endgame where she was growing out the blonde into red again, only just the roots. I did not want that.

        2. Auntie Social*

          Did she leave it on longer/too long? One time at my old salon she forgot me, and I ended up looking like a raspberry.

    2. Nessun*

      You have my sympathy – bad hair can be a trial! Hair is the only feature of mine I like. I had a similar thing happen with my last red dye job, the color went SO dark even the stylist was shocked, and she ended up “fixing” it after giving it two weeks to “lighten like [she] assumed it would”. We’ve not figured out why, either – the formulation was the exact same as usual! It’s incredibly frustrating, especially when no one can say how it happened (and therefore it’s so much harder to fix).

      I have no solutions, but I hope you can find a style or clip or barrette that makes you happy when you see your ‘do, until it can be truly set back to the color you love.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Nothing will make this look decent; it’s right at the hairline and along the part, so the only thing to do is wear it down continuously so the blonde length swoops over the hairline. It’s so freaking annoying.

        I know, first world problems, but I really look forward to having my hair done and to have it come out wrong just makes me want to cry.

    3. lapgiraffe*

      There are keratin hair fibers that are used for thinning hair that might also work for toning down the pink? Just thinking since it seems to be the roots, which’s is precisely where you dust the flakes on, I’ve used toppik brand and it does blend with my color, in my case, to be a little darker, long shot but I know when my hair has been messed up I’ll try anything.

  79. CoffeeforLife*

    I had to put my kitty down this afternoon. It was totally unexpected and I wasn’t prepared for that when I took him to the vet. He filled the baby void in me and now I’m just an aching mess.

    1. Thursday Next*

      Hugs, if you’d like them. It’s so hard to lose a pet, especially if you weren’t expecting to.

    2. My funny valentine*

      Oh, I’m so, so sorry. Sending hugs your way. You came to the right place for commiseration, as it seems so many on here have pets and understand the hurt.

      I lost one of my cats last October, and one thing that helped (well, if only a little) was writing him a letter about all of the things I love about him and didn’t want to ever forget. And I still cry sometimes for missing him. I wish I had some wise words to make you feel better.

      1. Thursday Next*

        I wrote my cat a letter last month, after we had to put her down. She wasn’t even a year old. I cried a lot while writing, but I think it really helped.

    3. CatCat*

      I unexpectedly had to put my kitty down a month ago so I know how much this can hurt! Give yourself time to grieve and remember your sweet friend. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

    6. I'm A Little Teapot*

      Hugs. I’m so sorry. I lost my 20yo Sibley a few weeks ago and I’m still crying at odd times. Just hang in there and make sure you have plenty of tissues.

    7. Sparkly Librarian*

      I’m so sorry. Kitties are a necessary part of life. My older one died earlier this year, and despite his age it was quite sudden. It may be comforting to you that your cat didn’t suffer a long decline with reduced quality of life. You did what you had to do, and it’s hard. Please treat yourself gently.

    8. Not So NewReader*

      Ugh. It’s the stuff that blindsides us that is The Worst.
      So very sorry. Cry as much as you need to. Tears cause a chemical reaction in the brain that help the brain to stay healthy. So crying today means a better tomorrow at some point.

      I am sure your kitty knew he was loved. Again, very sorry.

    9. TheFacelessOldWomanWhoSecretlyLivesinYour House*

      I am so sorry. Hugs to you if you want them and tears from a fellow kitty parent.

      1. JaneB*

        Much empathy – my old lady had to be put down unexpectedly last year and I still miss her horribly sometimes, despite having a new and living kitty in residence. It’s the flip side of the love they bring…

    10. Trixie*

      What a sudden loss, I am so sorry to hear this. Be kind to yourself the next weeks and months while you nurse the ache.

  80. Womble*

    Does anyone here have experience with plantar hyperhidrosis?

    I recently developed this completely out of the blue in my late 30s. My doctor did tests for every possible underlying cause and found nothing, so has referred me to a dermatologist who I’ll see in August.

    I’m really upset that they didn’t find an underlying cause to treat and basically feel like screaming at the next person who tells me that’s a good thing – it’s not good, not to me, because it means I’m possibly stuck with this.

    I have tried a couple of online support groups but they are full of people who’ve had this all their lives and I don’t get replies to my posts. Having the adult onset kind isn’t better, it’s just different.

    Anyway, I wondered: has anyone had iontophoresis and if so did it work for you? Can you have it if you have a tattoo (can’t find anything about this anywhere)? Also are any herbal remedies worth bothering with? I can’t take St. John’s wort as it has a dangerous interaction with some other medication I have to take for the other medical problems I was already dealing with (and finally had under control so I’m just bloody thrilled with this new thing….) but I did get some sage tablets. And obadan powder.

    I don’t know how I’m supposed to live with this, I just don’t.

    1. Womble*

      Oh and Botox isn’t an option, as the NHS doesn’t offer it for feet and I can’t afford to go private.

    2. Ali G*

      Not quite the same, but in my senior year in college, I started sweating uncontrollably in my under arms. Like, I could take a shower, dry off, put on deodorant, and in like 5 mins, I sweat through my shirt. It came out of no where! I went to the dermatologist, and he gave me a special deodorant that I put on at night. I used that for a few months and it eventually went away on its own.
      I think the appt with the dermo is a good way to go. Can you get in earlier?

      1. Womble*

        Sadly not, as I already have. You get to reschedule once, and I’ve already done it (getting the wait from 16 weeks down to 12). You can’t do it twice or they discharge you back to your GP.

        I’m really hoping mine will go away on its own so it’s very helpful to hear that! I believe they may ban this kind of deodorant in the near future – I know Switzerland already has – which is concerning.

    3. WithADeeee*

      Hey! First comment on AAM after reading for several years. And sweaty feet is what finally brought me out, because I feel your pain! It can be such a huge hassle! I have had luck with the Zero Sweat lotion that you rub onto the feet or palms. The key seems to be though to use it regularly – if I fall off a regular nightly routine it is far less effective. But you only need a pea sized amount so the tube goes a long way. Best of luck!

      1. Womble*

        Thank you for posting! I’m happy for you that you found something that works – going to give it a try myself as I’ve found some on Amazon.

        I was going to buy some stuff from the SweatHelp website but I emailed them and said “Hey, you do package this discretely right as I ideally need to have it to my office?” And they said no, we have to put a returns label with the company name on, and I may have lost it slightly and told them that they had no idea what this felt like and maybe they should get a name that felt less embarrassing to see on a label.

      2. Womble*

        Also do you put it on the bottom of your feet or on top as well/instead?

        I’m feeling pretty dumb, upset and stressed because nowhere explains this at all, all the instructions for anything just say on your feet like it’s so so obvious and everyone must know.

        1. valentine*

          Put it on the bottom.

          As your colleague, I would assume SweatHelp was an unfortunate typo for SweetHelp, but I wouldn’t say anything and I would discourage anyone from doing so. Is it worth getting a PO Box or a locker delivery option?

    4. Anono-me*

      Have you checked the Mayo Clinic website for information? (As someone in the US, I always go to the Mayo Clinic website for information on Medical Stuff. However I have had several friends who live in othe counties who thought Mayo was for cancer and were pleasantly surprised with all the useful information available. )

      1. Womble*

        Thanks, I’ve read their site and everything else I can find but it didn’t answer my tattoo question!

  81. Ali G*

    So…how does one find a therapist? I think I would benefit from someone to talk to who is not my husband (who I love dearly, but he is a total “fixer” and for other reasons, I just think I want some professional help).
    My work has an EAP, but it’s not linked to my insurance, so I could use the free sessions they provide, but then I would still need to find something long term. But maybe it’s a good idea to use that to see if therapy is right for me?
    Or I guess I could go see my PCP (I need to get a RX renewed anyway, and I would also like to my knee checked out), and get a referral?
    How does this happen when it’s not really a medical need?

    1. ThatGirl*

      EAP is a good start, your insurance may also have a find a provider tool to help you narrow things down. And if you like your PCP, a referral is also a good start. There’s no one right way, do what makes sense to you.

    2. StudentA*

      You can also try checking out provider profiles on Psychology Today’s website. You’ll get an idea of the provider’s style and qualifications, and any specialization and demographic information they focus on. For example, LGBT, seniors, etc.

    3. Sam Foster*

      EAP are a great start and often have many more visits to them than you might expect. Call them.

    4. Triplestep*

      I asked an aquantance who is a therapist for recommendations. I had gone to Psychology Today, but I live in a city and there were too many choices. When I thought about how many people I’ve met in my life who are counselors or social workers yet are not people I would ever ask for advice, I realized I needed a personal recommendation.

  82. BeanCat*

    I actually managed to find The Dress last weekend!! It definitely just happened; I wasn’t expecting it! I couldn’t find a good way to share pictures so I’ll just describe it.

    It’s strapless and floor length, with almost a gossamer-like over layer. They’re going to hem it for me but leave the sheer layer long so it’s like a baby train. It’s a very pretty sky blue to make my sapphire engagement ring pop, and there’s a little comb veil that can be popped into my ponytail. I also got a clip with a sapphire brooch to go over top the veil clip and I just feel SO pretty in it. I’m absolutely thrilled.

    Thankfully my mom wasn’t upset as I feared, since I found it without her. She’s instead going to help me make a silk flower bouquet to match.

    3. Melody Pond*

      Sounds lovely! If you do find a good way to share pictures, I (and I’m sure others) would love to see it!

    2. CAA*

      Those look like the server installation packages. The client software that you would use to connect to a VPN server is either supplied by the people whose VPN you’re connecting to; or you can get it from the Windows Store, Apple App Store, Google Play Store, etc.

    3. Gatomon*

      That is actually for installation onto the router/firewall that the VPN terminates to… not what you’re looking for even if you had a Cisco ID. You need to get the installation files from your companies router/firewall directly. There should be a web address you need to browse to (it’s actually going to be the router/firewall), and once there it will allow you to download the client to your machine and install it. Your IT department should be able to give you that information.

  84. sjspe*

    I would love some input on a car situation. I recently moved from Chicago to Oregon. I took my trusty, beloved 2003 Toyota Corolla to a mechanic for a check up. They delivered bad news, in the kindest way. The undercarriage is so severely rusted–“like cancer”–that any future repairs will be a “money sinkhole.” I’ve heard that West coast mechanics can be alarmist about rust, but I’m inclined to believe the diagnosis. The mechanic gave me a full refund on the inspection, spent about 20 minutes giving me advice on buying a used car in the area, and ultimately recommended that I trade in the vehicle in the next few months. I’m kicking myself thinking about how rarely I washed the car in the winter the last few years—this is my first car and I didn’t realize salt could do so much damage. I’m starting a new job next week that requires extensive driving.

    When I told my live-in partner of three years about the car, he suggested that we share his car, which has been sitting unused for the last few years at his parent’s place. On one hand, it seems like a great idea. The car is sitting unused, has low mileage/is generally a good car (Honda Element), and my partner could take it camping on weekends. On the other hand, I have some reservations about sharing the car. I would cover the ~$1000 to ship it cross-country, insurance, gas, and any repairs. I might be driving 100 miles/week, though, and feel like I should pay more for the wear and tear. I don’t want his parents to think I’m taking advantage of the situation. I also wonder if the car could become a source of tension, since I tend to have a laissez-faire attitude towards objects and my partner takes care of things meticulously. I want to be a more careful driver and on top of maintenance, but I worry that I’d stress over bad parking jobs when it’s his car too. I’m not worried about breaking up and being without a car.

    The other options for finding a new car would be (1) trading in my car for another used one at a dealer that the mechanic identified as reputable, (2) buying another car from a private seller that I find online, or (3) going to area nursing homes and seeing if there are any cars with low mileage posted for sale on the bulletin boards. The mechanic recommended the last one. I would do it but I wouldn’t know where to start. I could try selling my car on a site like Craigslist, but it’s unlikely I’d find a buyer due to the rust. It sounds like I should have a few months before I need to start doing major repairs (replacing brake pads/rotors, oil pan, and control arms). I don’t want to get rid of my car before it’s time, but maybe it makes sense to trade it in while it’s still drivable?

    I am really lucky to be in a financial situation where I can handle replacing my car, and I am also stressed out about the process. Does anyone have thoughts on whether shipping & sharing my partner’s car is a good idea or advice on buying a used car in Oregon? Or general advice for a young person in this situation :) Thanks in advance for any responses.

    1. Dan*

      Hm.

      A 2003 is getting up there in years. It doesn’t mean it’s dead, but it’s no spring chicken either.

      You may need to calibrate your expectations on what “extensive driving” means. You say 100 miles per week — that’s nothing. My car insurance won’t even rate me for less than 150, and that’s considered super low. If you’re right about the 100 miles/week, then “wear and tear” is going to be relatively minor. Tires, brakes, and oil changes are the big ones. At 100 miles/week, you will go years between tires and brake jobs. I just can’t see car costs being an issue with that level of driving. In that case, get the car shipped.

      I’d consider 100 miles/*day* to be extensive use of the car, and now you’re going to have real upkeep costs. At that point, you might consider getting your own ride.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Yeah – I drive about 75 miles a week, have put 6500 miles on my car since I got him in February of last year. He’s newer than what sjspe is talking about, but Hondas are pretty low maintenance anyway. That’s such low driving that I’ve never yet had to do any maintenance – I’m still probably two months out from needing my first oil change (it counts down from 100%, currently at 30% and the change is recommended at 10-20%). 100 miles a week is definitely not extensive driving :) (in fact, it’s not even “average” driving – I think the “average” is 10-12k miles a year, which is double that?)

    2. Wicked Witch of the West*

      I’m an old person, not a young person.
      I would be very leery of a car that has been sitting for several years.
      I would not buy a car from some random person, or one of those “we sell cars cheap, carry our own contracts, no credit needed” places.
      Get thee to a dealer, a real dealership. That way, if something goes wrong, you have someplace with an ethical obligation to make it right.
      Good luck.

    3. university minion*

      If it’s at the mechanics’, ask him to put it on the lift and show you the rust. Pick at it. Show you where its structural. It might be. I’m also incredibly skeptical about most things mechanical unless/until I put hands on it and understand it myself.
      I was a young person (female) with a car who moved to a part of the country where I knew NO ONE. I got ripped off once. (This was back when Chilton Manuals were your main reference…. “Disconnect negative battery cable…”) Then I learned how to work on cars. Now that I’m older and slightly better off, even if I’m going to pay someone else to do the work, I still make sure I 100% understand what goes into the repair. In the internet age, there’s no excuse not to.
      Now that I’m old and salty, I have no problem paying a good mechanic to fix my car. I also have no problem embarrassing someone who’s trying to rip me off.

    4. Reba*

      This is not the point of your question, but this line kind of twigged for me… “I don’t want his parents to think I’m taking advantage of the situation.” What’s up there?

      My partner and I were in this situation and the reverse — for a while, both using a car I owned (but mostly me using it), both using a car he bought (about equally). The latter situation was stressful for both of us for a while in part because the car was new! It was a big purchase! It was shiny! After the partner put some dings on it, it got better :)

      So that’s one part of peace of mind part of this. I’m getting the feeling that you would be more comfortable having a car whose lines of responsibility are clear. It’s good to heed your sense of your all’s different tolerance for care, but why not have a conversation explicitly laying out the maintenance expectations, insurance sharing, and who’s responsible for care? Rather than worrying about it vaguely, you can plan around it.

      The other thing is time. FWIW I think you should move on this before the next round of repairs comes. I have done… not that with my venerable old wagon (RIP) and although I was really attached to the car, I do regret spending that money on it. Same car was shipped across the country, an interesting process, but probably not really worth it in retrospect. (I mean, a thousand bucks can go a ways used-car buying territory.) We recently sold my spouse’s/our car by taking it to a Carmax, having done some research and decided what sort of offer we would accept. Their offer was in range, done. It was the easiest way!

    5. LNLN*

      If you are in the Portland area, I can recommend a great used car place. I have bought several used cars from them and know three other people who have also had a good experience with the same business.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      I’d go with option number one. Find a dealer who specializes in lower priced vehicles. Be upfront, say that you also need help getting rid of the vehicle you have so that is part of the purchase deal. Then see what they have.

      You can ask for recommendations from peers or neighbors as to which dealership they have had good luck with. Ask people who seem to be doing well with their cars, don’t ask that person whose car is always breaking down and “in the shop”.

      I am saying this as it sounds like in your relationship each of you is responsible for your own car. So a plan like this would help you get out of the old car and into a new one by using your own resources. Yes, you may pay a little more doing it this way. I’ve been doing life on my own for a bit here and I am finding that I am more willing to make these trade offs in order to get things done. If you check around with people, you will probably find that the same names come up as places to avoid. Pick one of the recommended places and start there.

    7. gecko*

      That does sound stressful.

      I’d get your own car instead of shipping and repairing your partner’s car, honestly. Your worries about your different object-care styles are legit, and it’s not like it’s a free option.

      Also you just don’t have to do the creative suggestions your mechanic gave you. Going to a dealership or a used-car place your mechanic recommends should be totally fine.

      I do have a suggestion about used car shopping in general, and that is, be prepared with two things: what you want to pay, and a willingness to not buy. Know what an acceptable price is, and be willing to walk away if they don’t offer it, even if you’re sick to death of the process. A lot of times they’ll lower the price; if they don’t, then you know you didn’t want the car at that price anyway.

      Good luck, it’s a real pain and pretty stressful.

    8. sjspe*

      Thanks all for taking the time to give such thoughtful responses!

      Dan and Red Reader, it’s good to get a reality check on what is extensive driving. I do home health type work, so it feels like a lot of driving because I’m in and out of the car all day. Some weeks might be closer to 150, but it seems like even that is objectively low mileage. No wonder maintenance has been so easy on my Toyota :P

      University minion, I am trying to understand repairs and the workings of my car more, and also still very intimidated. Last week I had another mechanic shop tell me that my brake rotors needed to be resurfaced & the fluid flushed, when I’d had them replaced just 8,000 miles ago. Thankfully I didn’t go for the repairs. I checked out the Idiot’s Guide to Auto Repair and Maintenance, so at least I can get a baseline understanding of the parts. This mechanic didn’t show me the undercarriage, but described walking around underneath and checking the rust. It’s not so soft that he could poke a pin through, but still weakened. I can see the rust on the rocker panels. In Chicago, I had a mechanic walk me under the car, but he described it as “classic Chicago rust” and didn’t seem too concerned.

      Reba, that is very good advice to talk explicitly about the lines of responsibility. I think the “taking advantage” worry comes from not knowing what is an equitable sharing of costs for the car (original purchase price vs maintenance) and thinking my partner would very much give me the better end of the deal. He’s held off on making a decision to sell the car, but we would be shipping it purely so I could use it for work, and his parents would be involved in the process. I also think I’m the one far more likely to make the dings :P

      LNLN, I would love to know the name of the dealership in the Portland area. The mechanic recommended the Carmax off 224 in Clackamas. It seems like the general consensus is to go to a dealer! I guess I’m in an ok position now, of not having to make any decisions or purchases, so I can truly walk away. I’ll start doing research :)

      1. LNLN*

        Powell Motors on NE Grand is the place we have had good luck with. Israel is the salesperson. I wish you well!

      2. AvonLady Barksdale*

        Not in Oregon so can’t speak to that one specifically, but I can tell you that I and several people I know have had good experiences at Carmax. When I sold my car, they didn’t offer me a huge amount for it, but the process itself was very smooth and that was way more important to me at the time. A friend of mine goes to Carmax all the time and buys cars, then returns them (yes, he’s a bit crazy that way) and he wouldn’t go anywhere else. So if LNLN’s suggestion doesn’t pan out, a Carmax is a good option.

      3. Reba*

        Oh, to add! Moving a car across state lines can be very costly! Registrations, inspections and some states will charge you sales tax!

  85. The Google Has Failed Me*

    I live in a western suburb of Boston. I have a new kind of weed in my grass that I cannot for the life of me ID. As far as I know, I didn’t have it (or in any noticeable amount) last year and now it’s in like 1/3 of my entire backyard!

    It’s a non-leafy thing, with stalks that have these long, slender things that look like thick needles that pop off if you walk near them or pull them up. They are brown, not green.

    Some images of Bittercress look right, but many look way different.

      1. The Google Has Failed Me*

        No, it’s brown and gangly-that stuff looks almost fern like. Thanks for the idea though!

      1. The Google Has Failed Me*

        The internet says it has a taproot though and what I have doesn’t- it pulls out easily.

        If it is bittercress, how can I get rid of if? It makes my yard unusable.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          I just googled quickly. The pictures I saw looks like what popped up in my lawn this year. I am north of you by several hours. So it must be a good year for this stuff. The site I went to said it will die off as the weather warms. The site recommends aeration and seeding, to make the grass thicker. Apparently the stuff comes up where grass is thin.

          Bring a sample to a nearby nursery, they should be able to confirm this for you. You can get an aerator or perhaps rent one for a few bucks a day. Then plant seed over the area. Fertilizer would help. Then keep it watered. With the rains we have been getting keeping it watered should not be a big hassle.

          1. Ethyl*

            “Bring a sample to a nearby nursery…”

            Oh my god I’m such an idiot. This has literally never once occurred to me. Facepalm.

    4. All Hail Queen Sally*

      You can also contact the Extension office for your state for help in weed ID. I recently completed the classes and volunteer work for the Master Gardener program for my state (US Southwest–not helpful for you), and weed/plant ID was a big part of it. I had no idea how invested the state was in ordinary gardening things until I realized that it all tied into agriculture, which ties into states’ economy.

  86. Bibliovore*

    Chronic pain sucks. Big presentations Tues and Wed. Out of town. Took to my bed at 7 yesterday. Today bad but not as bad. Have a work thing tomorrow afternoon. Will save my spoons to do that. Finishing Bosch on Prime. Any recommendations on what to stream next for pain relief and distraction? Sad that travelers isn’t coming back.

    1. Brilliant Mistake*

      Sorry for the pain! Sometimes reading can distract me — Stephen King usually works. As for tv shows, I learned about Travelers on here (can’t remember from who) and I agree it’s such a shame it’s not been renewed. I would suggest Counterpart (Netflix or Prime, not sure), although it’s also not been renewed after season 2. I’ve started Dead to Me, which I’m enjoying.

      I hope you feel better soon! And I’m looking forward to seeing others’ recommendations.

      1. Bibliovore*

        thanks- yes Counterpart I found out about here. I will try dead to me. I have been reading mysteries for distraction. Right now. Bark of the Night by David Rosenfelt. Once the meds kick in reading is off the table.

      2. Bibliovore*

        update. I didn’t know that the second season of Killing Eve was up. so started that. Very distracting. Day three of bad nauseating pain. Bailed on all outside the bed plans. Up since 5 am. waiting for the high dose NSAIDs to kick in. Can’t bail on the work-related afternoon plan but can get there, have face time and leave early. Mr. Bibliovore will be driving and is a good wing-man for the in-and-out. Dreading getting on the plane tomorrow. That is tomorrow, not today.
        Right now.
        Finished power point for lecture one yesterday.
        Will work on power point for second lecture today. I just have to get the images in the program.
        I can revise while traveling tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing old friends in the big east coast city.

    2. Been There*

      My go-to has always been comedy. Black Books, Blackadder, Jeeves & Wooster – that kind of thing. Just light, silly shows that are funny and clever enough to be distracting but not so plot-heavy that I lose track of things if I drift off or have too much pain to really concentrate.

    3. WellRed*

      If you have Netflix, I recommend Dead to Me, darkly funny. I just signed up for ree Amazon trial so I can watch Bosch. I loved the books.

    4. Brilliant Mistake*

      Forgot to mention Killing Eve. Binged the first season, and now have to wait each week for a new episode.

  87. Lady Kelvin*

    I need hair tie advice. I have very thick hair and lots of it. Imagine holding a pound of spaghetti in your hand and my hair in a ponytail is about the same diameter. I also have long hair and live in a perpetually warm/hot climate, so I pull it up a lot. I buy the thickest ties I can find but typically they snap after the third or fourth use. I don’t even get the opportunity for them to stretch out before they break. I’ve tried those plastic coil ties but they can’t support the weight of my hair. Same with those big plastic/metal claws and just about everything in the hair tie section of walmart/target. Anyone with heavy hair have any suggestions?

    1. Alex*

      Have you tried the rubber sport ones? I don’t have particularly thick hair, but this things DO NOT COME OUT. I am very active and they stay on through swimming, biking, hot yoga, boxing, running…anything. There is even a warning on them to not pull them out of your hair, but untwist them (opposite of how you put them on). You’ll probably only be able to get them around twice (I can get mine around three times) but they don’t snap or stretch because they are made of…silicone? I’m not sure, but it isn’t elastic.

      2. valentine*

        Divide your hair into segments the holders will support. Tie it all together with something that covers the holders.

    2. It’s me*

      Velvet scrunchies. I bought a huge pack on amazon and they’ve lasted forever. They keep my hair up and don’t make creases in my hair

    3. OyHiOh*

      My hair isn’t long but it is thick and curly. My experience, most of the claw clips available in stores laugh at thick heavy hair. Even if they work the first time, the springs wear out quickly and the claws snap within weeks. I got some on line through Sally’s that have stood up for months. I’m impressed. They are the “large” claws. Things are almost as big as my fist. The plastic is heavily molded and the spring is sturdy. They have not snapped and the springs are just as good as the day they arrived. At minimum, I sleep with my hair in a claw (protects curls better than a ponytail), and often have my hair up in one for at least a few hours every day. The Sally’s ones are good as gold.

    4. Ask An Author*

      Sounds the same as my hair. I find I can use regular hair ties (labeled “medium” I think? The fabric-covered ones, not the thin plastic-only elastics) if I double or triple up on them. Three of them will keep my hair up even when I’m doing something athletic. Sometimes they snap when I’m trying but not terribly often. I buy them two or three packs at a time and go through that in a year or so. Note that I don’t think this would work with the ultra-thick hair ties — I can never get those to work with my hair either — they’re specifically stretchy enough to get around my gallon of hair just not strong enough to hold it on their own.

      I’ve also found I can put my hair up with some claws — but they have to be strong enough; the majority won’t hold me. I know other thick-haired people this works for as well! I have to use metal ones — the plastic ones break within a few uses even if they seem strong enough — and I also have to test them in a store to make sure the hinge is strong or it won’t hold my hair. It’s frustrating to find good enough ones, unfortunately — it used to be a lot easier. One metal claw lasted me about 15 years before it broke and I was putting my hair up with it almost daily. Now whenever I find strong metal ones I buy a few; they run about $15 each. None has ever been as good and tight as that one, though, RIP. (I know where I got it, but they stopped making it shortly after — otherwise I would have gone back and bought a dozen!) I’d tell you where I got my current ones but unfortunately it was from a small shop in Japan… but I’d suggest looking in specialty hair/jewelry shops and testing out a few in your hand to see if you can find an extremely strong hinge. I can’t really find anything like that in a drugstore/Target type place either.

      If all else fails, braid it from high on your head? I still need to use two hair ties for the end of a braid on my hair, but it’s much less strain on them!

    6. Auntie Social*

      You divide it in two-step half on top of your head, second half twisted and tucked under the first half. I use 2 plastic claws, but not the huge ones. Never have found just one that can support all the weight.

    7. Batgirl*

      Try a sock bun?
      You snip the toe off a sock to make a tube, gather your hair inside it (the ones with elasticated ankles are best) and then roll the hair + sock down until the sock is invisible and you get a bun. YouTube has examples. The very thickness of your hair holds it in place. You can also use the more elasticated type of ankle snipped from a sock as a hair tie, but I would wrap a scarf over it unless the sock was a pretty fabric.
      When I had super thick braids (fake hair added to my own thick hair) tying a sock around a ponytail like a ribbon was the only thing that kept it back. If you tuck in the toe and the ends it looks like a scrunchie made out of jersey.

    8. Ranon*

      French twist and nice thick sticks to hold it up, lower expectations about how long hair ties last, and getting great gobs of it cut off for summer are how I cope. The hair ties I used are the medium thickness ones, they seem to have the best balance between strength and stretch.

    9. Zona the Great*

      Well my black friends with dreads or woven braids use what I use as a headband for sports. You might need to think outside the box.

    11. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      Have you tried ponytail hooks? They’re my go-to for when I need my hair up on my head rather than at the nape of my neck. You gather your hair, tuck one end of the hook in, and then wrap it around so it doesn’t have to get pulled through the hair, just around it. I have very thick hair and they’ve worked for me for both ponytails and pigtails.

      When I was younger and more ridiculous, I’d use them to get my knee-length thick hair into high pigtails that I’d then add big ribbons to if I wanted to look like I had, basically, anime character hair. It was … a look. (It was also a way to get caught in doorways and chairs.)

    12. Lilla Rose to the rescue*

      Check out the Lilla Rose website (.biz), preferably the sub-site for my friend “/Shopping Sheila.” The flexiclips *stay in my hair*! All day! It’s amazing. These come with a warranty, for changing sizes if the one you chose doesn’t fit, and for replacement if they break. First time I’ve seen a warranty for hair clips. They have 7 sizes of flexiclips (one-piece metal hair clips, with the top part on piano wire so it’s very flexible, and doesn’t break when you bend it), and recommend sizes based on the circumference of your ponytail. They also have standard suggestions for sizing up for a pony tail, a tails up, full up. Videos are available on their website.

      Circumference to size:
      4″ translates to a medium
      4 3/4″ is a large
      6″ is an extra large
      7 3/4″ is an extra, extra large

      (I have less hair than you, tho it’s about mid-back in length, and wear a small (3 1/8″) for my ponytail; they have an extra small (2 3/4″), and the smallest is a mini which is the only one that doesn’t show a matching circumference – but use that size to hold the bottom of my braid.)

      I found her, and these, at a craft fair last Spring. They have changed my hair life. Did I mention that they *stay in my hair*?? First time in my life that’s been true. Got one for a friend who has much more hair than I do; she said it was the first time she could put her hair up without it hurting. And there are a lot of really pretty ones. They have some other cool options, too, but the flexiclip is their primary product. At the craft fair, Sheila asked if I’d like to try anything, and her response to “nothing ever stays in my hair” was, “lots of my customers used to say that.”

      They are direct marketing, and there is likely to be someone near you who can let you try them on, and can sell them to you herself. A quick search shows at least one person in your state, if memory serves – which is not the same as next door, but presumably there’s more than one and that person may know who’s where. (I don’t usually promote direct marketing, but these are amazing, and so is she. Her customer service is impressive, and I love supporting someone who does so much for her community; she’s been teasing me about signing up given my enthusiasm.) Products ship out of California; they do ship internationally. They have a “flexi of the month” so there’s always something new to check out. Ok, back to lurking.

  88. Hermione Granger*

    Does anyone know how to effectively clean white clothes? I have a dress that is white and it seems like after wearing it once no matter what I do it is never as white as it was before. I’ve tried oxyclean, hot water and bleach. It still isn’t the sparkly white it was the day I got it. White is so hard to keep clean. And I like white too. :-(

    1. Anonerson*

      I don’t have any tips on washing, but if hanging your clothes on a line outside to dry is an option, I’ve found that really helps keep white clothes looking new.

    2. Oldster*

      It could be the water. Maybe try a dry cleaners and explain your issue. Or you need to clean the washer.

      1. Rainy*

        You can clean your washer with citric acid–they make special packets blah blah but you can also just buy lemon Koolade and throw it in there. Run it without soap, just the Koolade.

    3. Brilliant Mistake*

      You can try something called “bluing” for use in washing white clothing to make it appear whiter — something to do with optics? I haven’t tried it, though.

      1. foolofgrace*

        I’ve used bluing. It takes out the yellowish dinginess. Make sure it’s dissolved in the washing machine water before you put in your clothing. No guarantees though, read the label on the bottle and maybe test it on white towels or such beforehand. In fact, I would make a small bowlful of the mixture and test it on an inseam or something.

      2. Aealias*

        I use blueing on my whites, it helps quite a bit with the yellowing of human oils, bleach, hard water. I mix it in a bowl and dump it into the washer during the rinse cycle. Don’t add it undiluted to the clothes – it WILL stain.

      3. Katefish*

        You could try looking up Ask a Clean Person or writing her — I’ve tried a few of her tricks and they really work (not whites, though).

    4. AvonLady Barksdale*

      Jolie Kerr recommends an overnight soak in VERY hot water and Oxi Clean. I know you’ve tried the elements, but how about the method? I sweat a lot and wear makeup so my white clothes sometimes get a bit dingy, and I used this method on a couple of tops that had been sitting in a suitcase for over a year. Stuff looks pretty good now. Basically, what you do is take a clean bucket, add a cup of Oxi Clean, and fill it with the hottest water your faucet can produce. Add garment Soak for at least 12 hours, then gently squeeze the garment before washing it as you normally would (with detergent).

      I will also put a link to her tips for washing white bedding in a reply. She is my guru.

    5. No fan of Chaos*

      We have been using dishwasher soap-not the kind you wash dishes in your sink but in the dishwasher-to remove grass stains and such from the kids sport clothes for years. Do not use on colors as it will bleach them. It is very powerful and makes them look new white.

    6. alex b.*

      I swear by distilled white vinegar; it is a miracle elixir. You can add it to laundry for whitening, use it clean the inside of the washer, and pre-treat stains with it.
      Borax or baking soda treatments also worth looking into, esp. if you use a front-loading washer, which are notorious for not getting whites white, I think due to lower water levels.

    7. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Hydrogen peroxide in the washer helps. I don’t soak in it longer than an hour because it can damage the clothing fibers.

  89. Be the Change*

    Really need advice… I’ve posted before about a friend with a form of spinal arthritis. He came through the surgery okay and has regained the use of his hands (for now. More surgery down the road due to more spinal degeneration). But before the surgery, way back last summer, they put him on Topamax for headaches. He’d had these crushing headaches for 30 years, and Topamax stopped them. The problem is, he’s completely lost his appetite and has lost 60 lbs in the last 6 months. His menu for most days: coffee, fruit, coffee, one cereal bar, more coffee. The end. He walks miles every day to keep his mobility up. He is not working with a nutritionist or having any intervention at all.

    I don’t know how closely his doctors are monitoring this, but all of us friends are freaking the hell out. He’s *tired* of us freaking out and nagging him. Is there *anything*, anything, we can do besides keep expressing concern and urging him to stay in touch with the docs?

    1. Thursday Next*

      So Topamax is one of the medications that makes up Qsymia, a weight loss medication. I believe it’s the component that makes eating less rewarding. (I am not a doctor, so please look this up!)

      Maybe it would help you and his other friends to approach this as a *serious medication side effect* that he needs to raise with his doctor, especially if he’s staying on Topamax long term? Are there migraine forums where you/he can learn about how other people taking Topamax manage this side effect?

    2. WellRed*

      There really isn’t. It’s hard to … not be the patient in a way because your worried and want to help and offer advice but it’s the patient who’s driving. All you can do is keep an eye out for signs if something goes really awry.

      1. Auntie Social*

        There are lots and lots of other headache meds. He can try others that don’t cause weight loss, and his doctors AREN’T monitoring this. That’s a lot of weight.

    3. Grapey*

      Has he expressed concern for his weight loss or seems confused about what might have caused it?

    4. Teach*

      Would he drink a high-calorie, high-protein drink? We bought a case at a warehouse club – they are shelf stable but better cold. They were for a family member who was not tolerating eating very well.

    5. Shayland*

      I’m sorry, this sounds like an incredibly stressful and upsetting issue.
      There’s not a lot you can do, you can’t force feed him, you can’t make him eat, you can’t control his actions.
      You can call adult protective services. It seems like a big, thing to do, perhaps like an over reaction.
      You and the rest of his friends are not in a position to do anything other than worry or nag. Adult protective services might be able to do more. They might not be.
      It sounds like he really needs help.

      1. Observer*

        Please don’t call adult protective services. They are totally NOT equipped to handle stuff like this.

          1. Observer*

            That’s true. But that doesn’t mean that they are good at it, in general.

            More to the point, even if Adult Protective Services in this area is really good at what they do, they are NOT equipped to force otherwise competent adults to get / change medical treatment.

            These departments are intended to help people who are suffering from abuse and don’t have the wherewithal to escape and / or who do not have the cognitive capacity to care for themselves and access needed services. There is no reason to believe that that’s what is going on here.

          2. fposte*

            While its remit may vary from place to place, depending on funding, Adult Protective Services generally exists to remediate abuse by somebody else, and the adults it usually covers and in some areas is limited to covering are senior citizens. Unfortunately most iterations of APS wouldn’t be able to offer much help to a competent adult negotiating his own health problems; Observer may be concerned that their intervention might actually involve legal action that could threaten his autonomy.

            1. Observer*

              Observer may be concerned that their intervention might actually involve legal action that could threaten his autonomy.

              Exactly this.

              Either he’s going to decline their services, which he can do if he’s competent, or someone is going to go into court and have him judged incompetent at which point his autonomy WILL be curtailed.

              Here is how NAPSA (National Adult Protective Services Association) defines Adult Protective Services:
              Adult Protective Services (APS) is a social services program provided by state and/or local governments nationwide serving older adults and adults with disabilities who are in need of assistance. APS workers investigate cases of abuse, neglect or exploitation, working closely with a wide variety of allied professionals such as physicians, nurses, paramedics, firefighters and law enforcement officers.

              1. Shayland*

                Ah. That all makes sense.
                APS has come up a lot between me and my social worker and when I’ve been in the psych hospital but no one ever actually sat down and explained it to me. I guess I just made assumptions.
                It’s really a shame there’s no one who can really handle this situation. Hopefully though, his doctors notice and are able to do something about it. Seems like they’re the only ones.

  90. Seeking Second Childhood*

    So we were outside all day clearing brush & cutting next year’s firewood, and I totally missed the Preakness! Thank God for full race replay on YouTube.
    I’ve never seen a horse run the whole race without his jockey like Bodexpress just did. Sucks to be the jockey, but made it an interesting race to watch. Now imagine what that horse will do if everything goes right for him the next time!

  91. OyHiOh*

    Decided to do the thing: Running for school board in my community.

    I’m past the initial “I have a voice and an opinion and the possibility of helping shape the future in this city” excitement and on into “what on earth am I thinking. Little old insignificant me has no business trying to slip myself into the systems of this community” dread.

    Working on getting over myself so I don’t self sabotage before I’ve even given myself a chance.

    In all other news, we’re trucking along towards the end of the school year. Got into a difficult exchange with my daughter’s ESS teacher yesterday. It was a perfect micro level illustration of district level school issues.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      You’re fine here. We need both things: the audacity to believe we can make change and the humbleness to realize others know more. Keep both of these things alive in you. Let it work into listening first, thinking second and talking last. This will make you appear as caring and wise.
      Welcome to leadership, this is what it looks like. Keep going, you’re doing great here.

  92. Bulu Babi*

    Found out this week that I’m nearly 5 months pregnant! It’s quite amazing: in less than 48h I went from ‘I’m a bit bloated, maybe I ate some lactose by accident’ to ‘it’s a boy and I can see his ears!’

    I’m beyond happy, but I need to tap the AAM hive mind for something. The father is my ex, we are friendly, started talking about it and are taking things slow. He’s not in the country and none of us really knows what the change will be for him, and how involved he should be. Do you know of good pedagogical books on:
    (1) dealing with unexpected fatherhood (for him),
    (2) being a single mum (for me)?

    I have lots of social support here (everyone is lining up to be a godparent), and we’ll figure it out, but some guidance would be greatly appreciated!

    1. Sam Sepiol*

      Oh wow no but congratulations! That’s amazing.

      Totally following for single mum book recommendations. That’s me and I have just winged it; never thought about books (and I go to books for EVERYTHING).

    2. Sandra Dee*

      No book recommendations, but I was a single mom, and son is a 26 yr old college graduate, and a contributing member of society. It wasn’t easy, but worth every struggle and sacrifice. One thing I learned, and depending on where you live, you will want to research, was I did not put my son’s father on his birth certificate. It did not absolve him from being responsible (thanks to DNA testing), but since I was the only name on the birth certificate, I was able to get him a passport without any hassle (both parents on the birth certificate need to apply together to get the passport in the US, due to custody issues), I did not have to have anyone else’s permission to take him to Canada or Mexico (again, custody issue). I had no issues getting him enrolled in school or sports, because I was the only parent. I did not put his name on the birth certificate because I was being stubborn, but it was the smartest decision I made. My son’s father did not want to be part of his life, which was totally his loss.

      1. MatKnifeNinja*

        Really research your states requirements for assistance.

        My state requires the father to be listed on the birth certificate to get section 8 housing or temporary financial assistance.

        If you have a decent job, and finances, don’t listed the dad. My relative went through the nightmare of being homeless, then trying to track down to father to get a paternity test. All this get a little financial help.

  93. WonderingHowIGotIntoThis*

    Tomorrow starts week 2 of jury duty. Last week was horrible. And what’s bothering me the most is that, if I get a long case, it’ll run to week 3 and work will kick off.
    But keeping it to the non-work topic, I’m not sure I can face another case like last week’s. I’m actually not as upset about it as two of the other jurors, but it’s still playing on my mind. It’s certainly shaking my faith in the British justice system.
    Has anyone else been through this and have any advice?

    1. Not So NewReader*

      I feel the same way about American justice system.
      It’s helpful to look at the history of our laws and our systems. How did we get to where we are?
      In my state for example, the laws really favor the tenant and the landlord is left to fend for herself. How did this happen? Historically it is because landlords use to be brutal and nasty. However the pendulum has gone the other way and some tenants are walking all over the landlords. Why don’t we update these laws to meet current needs? I dunno.

      But looking at the history of how things have evolved can be helpful in understanding what you see now.

      It’s always a good idea to expect a flawed system. We put a lot of faith in our courts but until we see it up close we really don’t know how our system works. It’s people and people do not make perfect systems, never will either.
      You can make note of how some people act. Some judges and lawyers take their jobs seriously and try to be ethical all the way. Other judges and lawyers try to push a case through by any method and get to the next case. It’s helpful not to tar everyone with the same brush and try to figure out who is doing a quality ethical job and who is not.

      1. valentine*

        If you feel you’re too upset to be impartial, can you ask to be relieved of your duty?

        There’s an argument for the opposite: that the fact you’re upset means you belong on the case.

    2. Weegie*

      Ugh. I had to do it 5 years ago, and it was awful, but fortunately I was only on the hook for a week. Our trial ended Friday lunchtime, and we were discharged. But the court was so disorganised that I kept getting called up again every few months after that, even though people who have served are supposed to be exempt for 5 years. I was forever writing letters to them until I moved out of the area and they couldn’t get me any more. But like you, I was unimpressed – the court’s admin was disorganised, nothing was explained to jurors, and the lawyers seemed unprepared for the case. And according to other jurors, once you’ve served they just keep calling you up again and again until you either move or go over the age limit.

      How to get through it? Endure. I took a book with me, and my own lunch, and didn’t eat with the other jurors just to give myself some head space every day. I’m confused about why you’re serving a second week, though? I understood that jurors served for one week or until a case ended, not for a second week if the first case had finished – or do different regions have different rules?

      1. Grace*

        British jury service is usually 10 working days, so two weeks is about right unless there’s a long trial that drags it out beyond that.

        1. WonderingHowIGotIntoThis*

          Yup – had one case last week which finished just after Friday lunch (so I’ve had all weekend to ruminate) and back in on Monday for maybe another case – if I don’t get selected by Tuesay afternoon though, there’s a possibility it’ll run to week 3. I just hope I don’t get another one involving minors.

          1. Grace*

            Ugh. Yes. I had to observe hearings (not full trials) as part of a university project, and one of them especially was…not fun. I understand that cases where the minor claims to be over-age need to be considered in more depth, but some the comments being made by the judge and the barristers about how she looked older were very uncomfortable to hear as someone barely out of my teens. I can’t imagine how painful it must have been to have to be on a jury for something potentially even worse.

        2. Weegie*

          That’s awful. I’m in Scotland, different legal system, so we must have different norms for the length of service. I know the first time I just had to be on standby for a week and never got called into the court at all. That got me a two-year period free from call-up, after which I was on a jury for a week, then we were done. (I nearly ended up on a 4-month trial, though, so I guess I was lucky the trial I got was short, if unpleasant.)

          I’m sorry it’s ten days in England! (and Wales, I presume?)

  94. The Other Dawn*

    In two weeks I hope to have my tenants out so I can finally sell my old house and be done with it. I’m hoping they’ll leave and I won’t have to evict them. Ever since I gave them notice that the lease is ending, we haven’t received a penny in rent, nor has there been any communication (it’s fabulous paying two mortgages…). So they owe part of February, plus March, April and May rent. I haven’t evicted for on-payment of rent, because my ultimate goal is for them to leave peaceably. I just sent them a letter, with delivery confirmation, reiterating how much they owe and that they need to be gone on June 1, and if they’re don’t leave they’re getting evicted. I included all the details of attempted contact, including a Facebook message I sent and when it was “seen” with the date and time. Once they’re gone, I’m filing a small claims suit. I hope to report on the June 1 thread that they’re gone!!

    1. Middle School Teacher*

      I am 100% in the same boat. I took my last ones to court and I did win the judgement, but the getting the money will probably never happen. Honestly if that house were struck by lightning I would rejoice!

      2. WellRed*

        If there’s a judgment against someone, does that impact their credit? Like, if a new landlord runs a check could that be the reward such people so richly deserve?

        1. The Other Dawn*

          Yes, it would show up on their credit report. I’d love to collect the money; however, just getting the judgment would be enough for me. And getting them out of my house.

  95. Sam Sepiol*

    House help.
    The other day I noticed a wet spot in my carpet in the doorway of my bedroom (well into the house). It’s close to where the kid and I sit to get our shoes on to leave the house and his water bottle often sits around there so I put it down to a spill.
    But people, it’s still there. Yesterday morning I stood on some towels to dry it off but it’s still noticeably… not quite wet but slightly more than damp.
    I’ve felt the door frame and it’s definitely dry but I feel like there’s no way water would only be coming in there from outside and not making anywhere else feel damp.
    I’m confused and slightly worried. Do I need to get someone in to lift the carpet? Asap or just if it doesn’t get dry in the next few days?
    Help! I nearly asked my ex husband about it yesterday and I really don’t want to do that :(

    1. TheFacelessOldWomanWhoSecretlyLivesinYour House*

      Are you on a concrete slab? Do pipes run under this spot? Is the ceiling damp? Do you have pets? Moisture could be coming from the slab, an animal could have peed there, or you can have a roof or pie leak. It could also be a bottle spilled and carpet is taking a long time to dry.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Can you put a fan on it?
      It can take weeks for rugs to dry out. You are probably right- it’s probably from shoes/water bottle.

      Stand on some more towels today then put a fan on it. See how it goes.

    3. PX*

      Late but I had a similar one. Lifted the carpet for it to dry. Found the source was the washing machine a few metres away, a tap had clme loose and was leaking so the water was getting under the linoleum in he kitchen and then travelling all the way to the hallway where it was pooling.

      But if it’s not noticeably drier in a few days, it’s definitely a leak from somewhere

    4. Sam Sepiol*

      Thank you all. I’ve moved my dehumidifier there and will see how it goes. There are no pipes anywhere near, no pets, the ceiling is dry, not on concrete. I’ll report back next week!

  96. Bluebell*

    Hawaii travel tips anyone? Spouse has been wanting to go for years so we are finally making it happen — 1 week in September. We are on the East coast. We want more than just laying on a gorgeous beach, want to see volcanoes, good driving scenery and like culture and delicious food. Not big fans of a large resort. Might take daughter who is in her early 20s. Would love ideas for which island and what to see. Thanks!!!

    1. Nicki Name*

      20 years ago now, but I have fond memories of a family trip to Hilo on the Big Island. It is (or was) the less touristy side of the island, nice and quiet. There’s a highway that goes all the way around the island with great scenery, and of course there’s the one active volcano!

      Can’t help you with the food question, though, since my tastes weren’t very developed then. :)

    2. LNLN*

      My husband and I spent a week on the big island several years ago. We spent a few days at a VRBO rental between Hilo and the Volcano National Park. We went to a local market and the beach on a Sunday, up to the park on a weekday, and there were some museums in Hilo to see. The rest of the week we stayed at a VRBO on the Kona coast and we snorkelled off Two Step and saw local sights. I loved that trip!!!

    3. Crylo Ren*

      The Big Island will have everything you’re looking for! Highly recommend going to the Volcano National Park at night to see the full beauty of Kilauea (the active volcano) – it’s so striking to see the bright red magma erupting against the night sky. There’s also the Thurston Lava Tube to explore. It’s a bit spooky at night (you will need to hike through a small section of jungle to get there) but the tube itself is well-lit and will have less traffic if you go at night.

        1. AcademiaNut*

          Also, if you’re an astronomy buff, there’s a visitor centre half-way up Mauna Kea – they’ll have small telescopes set up in good weather and there’s a gift shop. Do NOT drive further up the mountain on your own – take a tour if you want the sunset on the summit experience (driving up yourself is both dangerous and usually prohibited by the car rental company).

          Hilo is less touristy, but also much rainier than Kona. The food is better in Kona. If you’re there as a tourist, I’d recommend staying in Kona. They’ve redone the saddle road, which cuts across the island, so it’s much safer than it used to be.

          You can get poke in the deli section of the grocery store, which makes for a nice picnic lunch. And if you’re looking for presents to take back, I recommend the Big Island Candy company, particularly their chocolate dipped dried mango.

    4. SemiRetired*

      If you’re a coffee fan, there’s a farm up on the mountain on the kona side of the big island that offers cuppings and tours, sunshowercoffee.com. Also recommend boat tours (for snorkeling or historic tours). And state and national parks to check out petroglyphs. And eat some fresh poke. Mauna Kea for the observatory (bring warm clothes.) the big island has about everything but the volcano is no longer going off.

    5. Bulbasaur*

      The Big Island is the one with the volcanoes, so you’ll need to go there if you want to see those, and it’s also good for driving/culture/food. It is however very easy to fly between islands so you can definitely split your trip between them if you would like. (Note that Kilauea is still erupting, as it has been for the last 20+ years, it’s just stopped doing it where people live… for now).

      The Big Island and O’ahu have good loop drives for a day trip (might want to allow a couple of days for the Big Island). Maui’s geography means the roads are more of a hub and spoke layout, but there are some good drives there as well, notably the drive to Hana (long, challenging and needs some planning, but famous) and the one up to Haleakala summit. I have not done the Mauna Loa drive on the Big Island but I imagine it is similar.

      Some places to eat: Merrimans, Kona Brewing Company (Big Island); Hali’imaile General Store, Flatbread Company in Pa’ia (Maui); Town Kaimuki or Alan Wong’s (O’ahu). Mama’s Fish House (Maui) I can take or leave – it’s good but VERY expensive, and touristy. If it’s on your bucket list then go but it wouldn’t be among my top choices.

      Some local places to visit if you are nearby: Giovanni’s Shrimp Truck (O’ahu north shore); Punalu’u Bake Shop (Big Island). Diamond Head summit on O’ahu is a nice (if challenging) walk, and Kapiolani Park has a lot of amenities including the zoo and aquarium, as well as the less-busy end of Waikiki Beach that is popular with locals.

      1. Bluebell*

        Thanks so much! We are fishatarians but don’t eat shellfish, so looking forward to poke and sushi.

  97. Colette*

    So I’m considering getting the Cricut Maker, which I would use to cut fabric (primarily for quilting), as well as vinyl on occasion.

    The thing is I’ve never used one, and am not really sure it would work for what I want. (Do you have to pay for software to work with it? How easy is it to create patterns?)

    Has anyone used one? Assume I know nothing about them. :)

  98. Amber Rose*

    I’ll be in Chicago over Canadian Thanksgiving for a concert! We don’t really get a vacation this year so flying out for one day to see NSP is what I get.

    It almost, almost makes up for the hell that has been the last two weeks and the crushing of our future dreams and plans.

    Anyways. Anyone got tips on finding really good deals on flights?

      1. ThatGirl*

        Yep. Both airports are roughly the same distance from downtown and are both on transit lines, so go with whichever is cheaper.

  99. Shayland*

    Just had to call the cops.
    I went out walking the dog and this giant body builder of a man saw me and began screaming at me, like getting right up in my face, about how disgusting dogs were and how I couldn’t walk the dogs while they were BBQ-ing (they weren’t?). How I couldn’t let her pee in the grass. How I couldn’t have her out in public. And just on and on.
    My dog is 16 years old and frail as f—. She walks so, so, so, so slowly. Like can not physically walk any faster. And also can not tolerate being picked up because it hurts her really bad. So I’m walking away from him and he starts following me.
    They taught me in self defense class to scream “No!” or “Leave Me Alone!’ in this situations. So I did. He threw his hands up and started staggering around repeating “‘no’ she says ‘no’!” (I’m not a she, btw) and just continues in that vain. After a couple repetitions of me yelling at him while backing away he stopped following me. I could still hear him screaming from over a block away.
    I got my ancient dog home. (unfortunately I didn’t have my cellphone on me.) But I have another dog to walk. And this guy and this park are right across the street from my apartment. And my second dog is big and broad and black and the people of this area are afraid and wary of her.
    But also do to my heart condition I fainted a little bit so was not up for walking her. I put on my pulse ox and BP cuff and called 911 and explained the sitch. They sent someone out really, really fast. I don’t know if they found the guy to talk to him.
    I’ve had someone who was trespassing on my property and threatened to shoot one of my dogs before. Having the cops come out and talk to him was effective. That situation also got the landlord to put up a fence and no trespassing signs.
    I’ve ALSO been assaulted by a group of like, 20 elementary and young middle school age children who found away to climbed the 6 foot tall fence.
    There have been lots and lots of other, smaller instances. I’ve been dealing with this for 2 years and I’m finally in a position where I can move to a nicer, dog friendly area. I’m holding out for a place with a backyard.
    I need it for some of the work I do, I want it for my dogs, and living in the middle of the city I’m not around a lot of nature, but historically being around nature has been good for my health. So I’ll set up a garden back there.

    1. Shayland*

      Update: I finally got around to walking the other dog around the block. I walked on the other side of the street to avoid the area, but didn’t see the guy. As I was half way down the block the guys daughter, who barely started puberty (I suck at guessing ages) ran up to me and apologized for her father’s behavior.
      She said, “He was just a little drunk.” and “He really wants to help.”
      Honey.
      Sweet heart.
      He was not a little drunk.
      I thanked her for apologizing, said it meant a lot and it was very sweet of her. I’m still going to call 911 back if he doesn’t ANYTHING REMOTELY similar again. I hope his family / the bystanders were able to talk some sense into him while I was cowering in my apartment.
      Good knew though, I found a really nice looking apartment with a HUGE backyard. There was some important information missing from the listing but I’ve texted to set up a showing. It’s only been listed for 6 days so I’m crossing my fingers.

      1. Lcsa99*

        Good luck! I really hope it’s as great as it looks.

        I am sorry about the incident, but it sounds like you handles it perfectly. I have been there (had some guy scream at me in the grocery store and spent the rest of the day shaking), so I know a little about how you’re feeling.

        You did everything perfectly to keep yourself and your dog safe.

        1. Shayland*

          Thank you!
          I stress so much about interacting with the neighbors here and the police, wondering if I’m acting right. There’s no ‘perfect’ answer of what to do in any situation.
          I’m white and a student at the near by university. They’re black. There’s just an incredible amount of tension and politics and there’s an incredible amount of assumptions and lashing out. I’ve put up with a lot of bullshit.
          But intimidating me or threatening me, screaming at me and following me, is completely unacceptable. I live here, I have a right to exist in public without fearing for my safety or being harassed, and I have a right not to have trespassers on my property.
          It’s just hard to remember that sometimes.

          1. Observer*

            But intimidating me or threatening me, screaming at me and following me, is completely unacceptable. I live here, I have a right to exist in public without fearing for my safety or being harassed, and I have a right not to have trespassers on my property.

            Keep on reminding yourself of this. Existing, being in public, even walking your dog (assuming it’s leashed) are not aggressions, micro or otherwise, and you don’t have to be apologetic about that or about defending yourself.

            1. valentine*

              Before you sign anything, walk your larger dog around the new neighborhood at different time on different days and see how it goes. You don’t want to end up afraid to go out and stuck with a lease.

      2. Jaid*

        *Virtual hugs* My sympathies. It’s horrible to meet people like that, especially when you’re not at your best.

    2. Observer*

      That’s sounds SOOO stressful.

      Please make sure to keep your cell phone with you at all times. Put it on a lanyard and wear it, or put it in a belt clip or SOMETHING. Until you are in a much better situation you really want to have the safety of being able to call the police when you need to.

      1. rubyrose*

        And keep the camera app open, so you can very quickly start taking pictures or video. There is a problem where I live with people thinking the law about keeping dogs on a leash does not apply to them. The people stand in the doors of their second floor apartments and let the dogs out to go take care of their business. Of course, the poop does not get picked up. Being able to get the video and send it to the apartment management and/or animal control has proven fruitful.

    3. Bagpuss*

      I’m sorry that happened to you. I hope the police were able to speak to him and that he will leave you alone in future.

      1. Shayland*

        I hope so too. I hid in my apartment until police arrived so I never actually saw if the guy was still around.
        I feel so bad for his daughter. She’s so grown up and she shouldn’t have to be.

    4. Sam Sepiol*

      That sounds horrendous. I’m so sorry. One suggestion: practise calling the emergency number. People often forget how to do it in an emergency so rehearse it so your hands remember how. Just in case. I hope you won’t need to do it again especially not in the moment but just in case.

      I hope you and the dogs are ok.

  100. Fellow Traveler*

    Anyone have camping tips or suggestions to share?
    We are going car camping with our two elementary aged kids, and another family. We’ve been camping before, with friends, and in that case those friends were very experienced campers so brought all the supplies and gear and we just brought our tent and sleeping bags.
    So any suggestions for additional gear we should bring (type and brand?). We would like to keep it pretty simple and it will only be for two nights.
    Also- food and meal suggestions? We will have a campfire and a grill and I’m debating getting a camp stove. S’mores are definitely on the list.
    Thanks for sharing!

    1. Madge*

      Play mats are a cheaper alternative to sleeping mats and you don’t have to worry about them deflating. I’m thinking of the foam ones that fit together like a puzzle. You can “tile” your entire tent and possibly use them at home as well. (I set down a double layer for sleepovers) Get them ahead of time so they can air out. A door mat (or extra tiles) is nice outside the tent as a reminder to keep shoes outside.

      A tarp or two is another nice thing to have that has uses outside of camping. Depending on the campground, you may be able to create shade and rain protection with a tarp. We also put a smaller tarp under the tent for extra protection. You’ll also need rope for the tarp and a clothes line if you need one.

      For food, I’d go simple: cereal and fruit for breakfast the last day, and pancakes the other (you could make them ahead of time so you just have to reheat them). Sandwiches for lunch. Make tin foil packets for one dinner— there are tons of recipes online. My step mom makes a peanut sauce ahead of time for one dinner and serves it over pasta with snow peas.

    2. Brandy*

      How long are you going? 1-2 nights, I wouldn’t bother with all the extra comforts and fancy stuff like camp stove. What’s the bathroom situation? Dig-a-hole? or walk to some actual bathroom/showers? Walk to outhouse?

      Bring hand sanitizer. Lots of toilet paper. Cast iron pan. Flashlight or two for everyone, head lamp or lantern if you have them (but don’t buy just for the trip). If there is swimming, bring extra towels as sometimes yours won’t dry fast enough. Don’t forget a can opener.

      My fave camping meals are foil potatos (cook em in foil packets, load with all kinds of goodies), hot dogs, beans, and corn and biscuits on the grill. Young campers like cooking biscuits on a stick (take canned biscuit dough, wrap around stick, stick in fire). Pancakes.

    3. Alex*

      My special “tips” for car camping:

      1. If your tent doesn’t come with a footprint, put a tarp under it. Tuck the tarp completely under the tent. This keeps the bottom of the tent dry, which is necessary even if it doesn’t rain because there is moisture in the ground usually. (And if it rains, water might get in between the tarp and the tent bottom if the tarp sticks out from under the tent). If you think it might rain, bring some extra tarps to put over your tent, your wood pile, or your chairs.

      2. I like to make a food prep “kit”. I take a large rubbermaid box that fits all the plates, cups, utensils, BBQ mitt, aluminum foil, etc. I also keep a cleaning “kit” that is a dishwashing tub, sponge, dish soap, dish towels, and paper towels. When I’m prepping/eating with all the utensils, they’ve all come out of the box, and I use the box and lid as a drying rack while washing the dishes in the dish tub. Then when everything is clean and dry, I pack it all into itself again.

      3. Get one of those water jugs with a spout. It is so handy to have “running water” at your campsite (ie, a jug filled with water turned on its side on the picnic table).

      4. If you are going to put a metal pot or pan directly over the campfire, rub some dish soap on the outside of it so that the black stuff from the fire will wash off. Otherwise it is so hard to wash off!

      5. I find a camp stove really useful, even if it is just the little kind that screws on to the top of the fuel can. I use it in the morning to make coffee or tea and instant oatmeal, and in the evening to make sides to whatever we are grilling (cous cous) or pasta. Boiling water is possible over the campfire but it is a pain to do.

      I like to pack boneless chicken in a marinade in a tupperware container, and then throw it on the grill (usually over some aluminum foil). I then slice peppers and onions and drizzle some olive oil and salt and pepper on them, wrap them in foil packets, and throw them on the grill. I’ll have some cous cous with that. I also like to bring ground meat and jarred pasta sauce and make spaghetti with meat sauce. The sauce gets a really nice smoky flavor when you make it over the fire!

      Another nice meal is kebabs. Again, marinate at home and pack in plastic containers, and then just throw on the grill at the campsite. Ribs are also really nice if you precook them at home, wrap in foil, and then finish them off on the grill with some BBQ sauce. For vegetarians, grilled tofu kebabs are good, or loaded stuffed baked potatoes–just wrap the potatoes in aluminum foil and put right in the fire, then serve with broccoli, cheese, sour cream, etc. Black bean burgers are nice–I make and freeze mine beforehand so they don’t fall apart.

      Some things that I’ve experimented with that didn’t go so well–green salad (it spoils so fast), berries, pears, eggplant. All this just didn’t travel and or keep that well.

    4. Lizabeth*

      Kids: S’mores! Bring plenty of graham crackers, marshmallows and chocolate bars plus long skewers to roast marshmallows. Or find some green sticks in the woods.

    5. Earthwalker*

      You can get fancy with camp meals but it sounds like you’d rather spend time with the kids. Canned and boxed convenience foods keep prep simple and bypass the need for maintaining a cold chest: chili, stew, corned beef hash, tuna and tuna helper, instant rice and pasta dishes, mac-n-cheese, soups, instant oatmeal. Box snacks like crackers and fig newtons. Apples and carrot sticks pack well and go with cheese and crackers for lunch. Plenty to drink and water bottles. Extra sandwich bags for packing trail lunches, a few food bags to keep ants out of leftovers, and trash bags.

  101. AlligatorSky*

    Usually my posts are pretty depressing, so I wanted to share a happy post for a change. I’m flying out to London next Friday: A movie I worked on last year is being shown at BAFTA next weekend and I’m getting to see it for the first time!! My first professional film credit and my name on a big screen at BAFTA. Life is so weird but I’m so excited!

    7. Not So NewReader*

      [Cues marching bands and fireworks]

      You go, AS, you go!

      Come back and tell us how your trip went and how you liked the movie!

    1. Jaid*

      Best: Saw Endgame, ate seafood for dinner, got my hair dyed purple.

      Worst: Threw my back out today, emptying the dishwasher. I’m still mobile, just hobbling.

    2. Ruffingit*

      BEST: Relaxing weekend. I did a lot of self-care this weekend.

      WORST: Financial stuff I need to figure out.

    3. WellRed*

      Best: mom was in town visiting.
      Worst: saw on Facebook 3 of my oldest friends got together with another woman for a birthday breakfast. I was not invited.

    4. Ella Vader*

      Best: Went to Oak Alley Plantation in Vacherie, LA, with a friend.
      Worst: Back is still sore from hurling at work (in the parking lot, in the straw by the front door flower beds, and in the restroom) on Friday. :/

  103. Karyn*

    Anyone doing the Keto diet? I just started it at the urging of my nutritionist and my GP. My thyroid is still out of whack (too much levothyroxine, went from hypo to hyper but not having any of the weight loss, sadly). It seems after three days that this is a diet I can stick to – it’s super low carb, obviously, but if I have to give up pasta and can still have bacon, butter, avocados, eggs, cream, and bulletproof coffee, I’m a HAPPY GIRL. Tonight’s dinner is a cauliflower “loaded baked potato” casserole with tons of cheese and bacon!!

    Anyway, anyone have any experience and/or favorite recipes?

    1. Shayland*

      I’m not full Keto but I am low carb, less than 100 a day.
      I’m on it because I’m a medical mess. My doctor and prior experience demonstrates that cutting carbs, processed foods, and sugar makes me feel better and gives me more energy.
      The thing I’m struggling with is that I’m not hungry all that often. I’ve needed to set alarms to remind me to eat. I struggled with experiencing hunger before but I’m not fond of the way low carb is exasperating that issue.
      I’m not able to cook right now. I’m getting ready to move and want to have few groceries stocked for when that does happen. I also don’t live by a grocery store and can’t have fresh fruits and veggies delivered to my current address.
      I’m excited to make kale salad and a tuna fruit salad when I’m all set up in my new place. Another salad I really like is spinach, goat cheese, and strawberries. Little bit of raspberry vinaigrette.
      For easy things, I’ve been eating two eggs, scrambled in a blender so they’re nice and fluffy and cooked in a pan, with a table spoon of duck sauce over top. I’ve also wanted to add shredded cabbage and ground pork to the pan to further mimic and egg roll. Yummy!
      I’m cutting canned tomato soup with tomato juice as well, to lower those carbs.
      I like cooking canned pears. I find canned pears have a bunch of different textures throughout the can and I HATE THAT. Cooking resolves this issue.

      1. Karyn*

        OOOOH canned pears cooked sounds AMAZING. And the fake eggroll! My dad was so sad about missing eggrolls when he started this diet too so I just sent that to him!

    2. Liz*

      I didn’t do the Keto diet (and to be honest I’m not totally sure what it entails) but I did make a lifestyle change and cut way down on carbs, sugar, and salt, and got rid of all the processed foods. The only exercising I did in the beginning was taking my dog for walks. Over the last year I’ve been doing yoga daily. Just with the diet change and walking I lost 60 pounds.

      I get most of my recipes from the Cleanfoodcrush blog, and every one I’ve tried has been delicious! It has definitely helped me stay on track and learn how to eat better. It has also helped me modify my old recipes to make them healthier for my life now.

      1. Karyn*

        The Keto diet is basically super low carb (less than 50g a day, usually 20-30g) but high fat and protein. The idea is that by getting rid of carbs, your body goes into ketosis because it doesn’t have as much glucose. The body begins to break down fat stores to provide glucose from triglycerides. The good thing is that you can eat lots more fun foods – butter! bacon! delicious things! – but you really have to watch carbs. I miss fruits – I can have a little bit but it’s a treat more than a source of sustenance – but I don’t really miss pasta as much as I thought I would – I think because it’s not the pasta people love as much as the sauces! I also found a GREAT sugar substitute called Swerve. It tastes almost exactly like sugar, bakes as well as sugar, and doesn’t leave a weird aftertaste like Stevia!

        I appreciate that blog rec though – LOVE clean eating blogs!

        1. Liz*

          I thought I would miss pasta a lot more than I do. I ended up being gifted a vegetable spiralizer, and it is incredible! That and spaghetti squash are game changers. Stevia tastes like chemicals to me, so I’ll have to give Swerve a try, especially if it’s good for baking!

          1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

            I’m not on any particular diet, but my copy of Joy of Cooking suggested poaching eggs in tomato sauce and I’ve done that as a gluten-free pasta night option for my mother before. Obviously sauces also have carbs so you’d need to put thought into that part, but eggs instead of noodles seems like a substitution that would also work for a low-carb, high-protein diet as well as a gluten-free one.

    3. Professor Plum*

      I’ve been eating a keto diet for just over a year. I’ve gone from wearing well-stretched size 18 pants to size 10. And it’s not just about the weight loss for me, it’s about being healthier in many ways.

      If you haven’t tried it yet, look for fathead pizza dough—make your pizza crust out of mozzarella, cream cheese, almond flour and an egg. https://www.recipe-diaries.com/fat-head-pizza-crust/

      Lots of good resources, inspiration and encouragement available at https://www.reddit.com/r/keto.

  104. Shayland*

    Okay, so funny tech related thing. I just got a new computer and it seemed to have considerably less space on it than my last computer. So I re-installed all the programs I needed. I was without a computer for 60 days so I went around with all my thumb drives and was messing with the photos and videos I took over those 60 days and saving them to my back up hard drive, then deleting them off the thumb drive.
    Well, it turns out instead of deleting them from the thumb drive the files were sent to my recycle folders.
    There were other folders I tossed in there and thought I emptied out of the bin. But that apparently didn’t happen.
    And long story short, art programs and 2 games to do not take up over 100 GB of space.
    There was 100 GB in my recycle bin.
    Now I get to move a bunch of files back onto the computer. Yay!

    2. Anonymous Educator*

      I’m not exactly sure what happened there, but even though there appears to be only one recycle bin or trash that you can see on your desktop (Windows) or dock (Mac), the recycled/trashed files may actually be in a hidden folder on the thumb drive or external drive instead of the hidden folder on your actual computer’s internal drive.

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