weekend free-for-all – May 25-26, 2019

by Alison Green on May 25, 2019

the Ukrainian edition

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: Tomorrow There Will Be Sun, by Dana Reinhardt. Family dysfunction and vacations gone horribly wrong — two of my favorite genres! Very enjoyable in a beachy way.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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{ 1,245 comments }

{ 1,245 comments… read them below }

  1. Lena*

    Has anyone here gotten rid of cable but still watches a variety of programming? How have you done it? I never really watch my cable anymore but I can’t wrap my head around how it would work to get rid of it.

    1. Effie, who gets to be herself*

      I watch mostly Netflix, and YouTube. PBS uploads their news hour to YouTube the same day.

      1. caseyj*

        Effie this is wonderful news! We are starting a home reno project and I won’t have access to our “cable box” but i can watch youtube from our “smart” tv.

    3. Gir*

      We have Netflix and Hulu, but my boyfriend is a channel surfer. So while I’m sure he could find things to watch on Netflix/Hulu, he prefers cable as it let’s him flip through channels.

      I’d honestly be happy to get rid of cable, which is why we subscribed to the two. Instead, we’re in the position where I prefer streaming, and he prefers cable, so we have both.

      1. Formerly Known As*

        That’s how I am. I can’t bring myself to cut out cable because I like the spontaneity of being able to flip through channels but when my monthly rate shot up a couple of years ago, I downgraded my package. I now get about half the channels I used to. I lost a few that I like, but mostly I lost sports and kids’ channels that I never watched anyway. I also have Netflix and Hulu, so I’m good. Because I’m single and it’s just me watching, I have the lowest price tiers for both streaming services.

        1. WellRed*

          I downgraded my package this week and need to set up Roku. I also prefer sometimes to just flip through channels.

          1. Nessun*

            I love my Roku, there are some truly random free channels on there. Personal faves when I just want something on on the background is the ISS feed – view of earth from the space station, with generic music playing.

        2. MahCiii*

          Pluto is a great (free) app that lets you flip through channels. Content is pretty old, but I found this paired with Netflix was enough for me

      2. pancakes*

        I get cable channels through Hulu’s live feature and that works perfectly for me. The only channels I really care about are TCM and news and it offers those, plus lots of others I never watch. There are a lot of sports channels, if that’s a concern. I also have Criterion Channel, Britbox, Netflix, Kanopy, and Amazon and use those a lot too.

    4. Jimming*

      I had a hard time letting go of cable but glad I did. I have an Apple TV and subscribe to Netflix, Hulu, HBO and Amazon Prime so I always have something to watch. Plus I buy movies/TV on either Apple or Amazon sometimes. I still pay for cable internet but I was already subscribed to these services AND had cable so it does save money in comparison. Plus I usually cancel HBO when John Oliver is off for over a month

    5. Asenath*

      I could do it, but when I realized I was watching Netflix more than cable, and called my cable company to cancel my service they offered me a deal too good to turn down – I have other services from them (Internet, phone), and for a few dollars a month I have cable and free long distance. When that deal runs out, I’ll cancel again – who knows, they might offer me another deal, but if they don’t, I don’t think I’d miss cable.

    6. Angwyshaunce*

      We just have a computer hooked up to the television, and a wireless keyboard & mouse.

    7. Madge*

      We dropped cable about 10 years ago and just get internet and phone from the cable company. It’s still pretty expensive, but I could be better at calling to “cancel” for a deal. But we watch significantly less TV and there’s no more channel surfing to see what else is on. We’re much more intentional. We subscribe to Netflix and Amazon, and use a Roku box to stream them to our TV. Roku also provides its own streaming service and other channels. I like Roku because it’s not tied to a service like Apple TV or some of the others, so it doesn’t exclude any streaming services. Your TV is probably newer than ours, and you might be able to connect to streaming accounts through your TV. Or maybe you have a gaming box or a DVD player that can do that.

      We live in an area where we can’t get broadcast channels, like NBC, without cable; even an antenna would only get us a pbs station. But that’s because we live in a rural, mountainous area. Most people can get all the major broadcast channels without an antenna. As an experiment, you could try disconnecting the cable from your TV and see what broadcast channels you can easily get. Maybe keep it that way for a week. There’s a website where you can enter in your zip code and see what broadcast channels you can get with an antenna. And if you already subscribe to a streaming service you could see if you can connect it to your tv now with what you have. Then it’s simply a matter of calling to disconnect the cable.

      1. Tennie*

        Another vote for roku. We subscribe to Netflix, Acorn (lots of British, NZ, Australian shows), and Classic Reel (old movies). Saved a significant amount of money and have lots more to watch. The only shortcoming is the lack of sports — those channels are very expensive and, oddly, require you to be a cable subscriber. I just won’t shell out the $ for what little sports I’d like to see.

      2. Catherine Tilney*

        Is there a good way to just get ESPN? We went without cable/ satellite for a few years, but my husband is a sports fan, so we went back to cable. Does Roku or any of those systems have a good sports package?

        2. JamieS*

          You might be able to add the ESPN channel to your Roku and just pay for that. There’s an ESPN+ subscription service but not sure if that has the same lineup as regular ESPN. If not, Sling has a sports package add-on for $10ish but you have to subscribe to a Sling channel lineup which are $20-30+ a month.

          Other than sports, there’s always Amazon Prime video if you have a Prime membership and you can get free TV from a variety of Roku channels by just searching for free TV. However it’ll either be older shows or indie/less known shows.

    8. Pharmgirl*

      Yes! It’s been about a year now – I found that I was really only watching on-demand or specific DVR recorded shows, and the cost of cable just kept going up. So I switched to Internet only and got Roku. I LOVE the Roku – I have the stick so theoretically I can take it anywhere, thought I haven’t needed to. I already had Netflix and Amazon Prime, and decided to go for Hulu w/o commercials, with the HBO/Shotime add-ons, and I’m still saving almost 50% from when I had cable.

      I don’t feel like I can’t watch any shows I watched before, with the caveat that I never watched sports or reality TV, so I’m not exactly sure what those offerings are. There are some Roku channels that ask for cable provider logins before giving you access, and I used the login’s of a family member who still had cable. But I’m really glad I cut cable, I’m saving more, and as was mentioned by Madge I feel I’m more deliberate about what I want to watch.

    9. Overeducated*

      I’ve never had cable and for some reason reception in my building is so bad we can’t even get the public access channels, but we have Netflix. I mainly only miss it for big live events like the Olympics and Oscars but you may get those if you can get the public access channels.

    10. Rebecca*

      I’d ditch it in a minute – I called Comcast/Xfinity, their recommendation was for me to buy my own modem and get a Roku stick for the other TV to save money. BUT – my mother is still unable to correctly work a simple Comcast remote after years of having it. She calls me at work “Rebecca, the screen is black”. Yep, you pressed input again. She can’t use the guide. And, she watches weird stuff that’s only on cable. All I care about are sports, so that’s another issue. I can watch reddit streams for what I want to watch, but she isn’t able to learn or do anything regarding technology.

      I’m trying to figure out what Verizon offers. I just wish I could get a channel list so I can see if the channels she watches (usually Hallmark movies, QVC, Fox News, and fire and brimstone televangelists are covered).

        1. Rebecca*

          Thanks, I’m aware of that, and still can’t find an actual list. “And many more” isn’t helpful, as my mother watches specific things, is set in her ways, and will notice immediately if one of her programs isn’t there.

          1. CB*

            I have a quasi-solution! The TV Guide website has channel listings for every provider. You can visit the link below, click “customize your listings”, and once you enter your zip code it will let you pick a specific provider. I don’t believe you can see specific packages, but you could at least see what channels are available.
            https://www.tvguide.com/listings/

    11. Red Sky*

      Yes! We cut the cable cord about a year ago when Google Fiber internet finally became available in our neighborhood and haven’t looked back. We purchased an HD Digital Antenna for our local channels and a Roku for streaming Netflix and DirecTvNow. There are also a lot of free streaming platforms available on Roku, we’ve added PBS, Pluto and a few others. At some point we’ll probably cancel the Directvnow and switch to Sling if Sling ever gets Animal Planet.

    12. ATX Language Learner*

      I haven’t had cable in 6 years or so. I use Netflix, Amazon Prime Video, sometimes I’ll sign up for Hulu if there’s a show I want to watch. I love Amazon Prime, they have channels like showtime you can subscribe to. All in all, I probably pay on average 20 dollars a month.

    13. Falling Diphthong*

      We have never owned a regular TV, which over time has meant less and less as to whether we watch TV.

      For stuff airing live–Amazing Race, Brooklyn 99–I watch the next day (or at some point in the next few weeks) on the channel’s website. I have Netflix for most shows, Amazon Prime for the shipping and hey there’s TV, and am unwilling to pay for more streaming options, though I will straight buy a season from Amazon if it’s a cable show I really like.

    14. NewKicks*

      I have a Roku and will watch YouTube videos and recently aired TV shows that some networks let you stream for free (like if you go to the CW website you’ll see a bunch of shows are available for streaming). I also subscribe to Hulu, Netflix or Prime (I only subscribe to one at a time…I choose a few shows or movies I want to watch, then subscribe for a month or a few months until I finish, then switch to another provider for a while).

    15. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      Most TV channels stream on Youtube. Sports events are behind a paywall and stream with significant delay, but there are exceptions (usually there’s an IP restriction in place). My favourite TV shows are not aired here, so it’s either Netflix or Torrent. And if I too bored, I listen to the radio.

    16. DataGirl*

      We have Netflix, Hulu, and Amazon Prime. I mostly watch Hulu. The only irritating thing is how so many networks/entities are breaking off and making their own streaming services, like BBC, CBS all access, and now Disney is making their own service. Those shows then disappear from the main services and you have to subscribe to more and more if you want to watch a variety of shows.

      1. JamieS*

        With Disney starting their own branded streaming service I’m hoping Hulu, and other channels Disney owns like ESPN and Fox, will eventually be merged with it for an all in one platform.

    17. OperaArt*

      To combine streaming with channel flipping, try PS Vue or Sling TV. They give you most of the usual cable channels. I use PS Vue (PlayStation Vu) on my Roku along with Netflix, Amazon, PBS, and YouTube.

    18. Book Lover*

      This is the opposite of what you asked, sort of, but for what it’s worth – when we canceled cable I stopped watching tv. We have Netflix, amazon prime, Hulu, and Crunchyroll, and I don’t watch any of them. I used to enjoy having home improvement shows on in the background and I know these are on these services but it just doesn’t happen. I do have some regrets about that.

    19. Aphrodite*

      I watch what I want online on my laptop. But then I don’t care about current shows. I haven’t owned a television in about 27 years so that’s easy for me.

    20. Peggy*

      Hulu plus is $40/month and you can flip channels through live TV. for me, it’s perfect – it has every single channel I watched on regular TV as well as full seasons on demand, DVR, and tons of movies. I cut cable a year ago and added Hulu plus and have saved about $65 a month. I was paying over 200 for basic cable and internet, now I pay $130 for internet and Hulu. it’s not CHEAP now but I’ve saved something like $800 in one year without sacrificing a single show I used to watch on regular tv.

      1. Parenthetically*

        Yeah, when my folks move in next door we’re actually going to do Hulu Plus and split it. They currently have cable and a land line but when they move they’re getting rid of both and just doing internet, Netflix, and Hulu Plus.

    21. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Call me old fashioned…. I have an antenna for my TV and our landline comes with internet service. Amazon Prime videos and full-season DVD boxes from the library could fill more screen time than we have.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Only frustration is that we’re rural enough that we need to upgrade the antenna before we’ll get to watch ABC again!

    22. Sara*

      I can’t say I fully dropped it because I sign into my parents’ cable account to watch certain things (mostly sports), but I haven’t personally had cable for nearly 2 years. I have Netflix, Hulu (through my Spotify Premium subscription), and Prime. I’ve also tried Sling, Playstation Vue, and Hulu live TV – if I didn’t have access to my parents’ account, I probably would’ve kept one of those.

      Hands down the best $17 I ever spent, though, was on an HD antenna. It won’t work for everyone—it depends on where you live—but it’s basically a thin sheet of plastic that hangs in my window. That takes care of network TV (ABC, NBC, CBS, Fox, PBS) which goes a long way. I bought it with the intention of returning it if it didn’t work well before I stopped my cable subscription. They’re inexpensive enough to test out like that.

    24. CatCat*

      We have a wall mounted antenna that gets us network TV (there are also a ton of “in between” channels that I’d never seen before like we have channel 3 and then also channel 3.2 and these channels are kind of specialized like one just shows old timey TV shows). We mostly use the antenna when we want to watch PBS.

      Otherwise, we stream things. We have Netflix, Amazon Prime, and Hulu. We also will add on things like Starz, HBO Now, and CBS All Access when there are shows we want to watch on those and then we drop them when we are done with the show. We stream through our Playstation or through our Google Chromecast. Easy peasy.

      We also check out DVDs for free from the library.

      1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        Yeah, if you’re a channel-flipper and aren’t married to specific shows (or sports) broadcast has a ton more options than it did before the switch to digital. There are pretty much always old sitcoms and movies on if that’s the kind of thing you want to watch.

        In the last year or so, I moved out of a shared living situation in which someone else was paying for cable (due to wanting to have every sports channel in existence) to my own home, and I realized that the only two channels I was DVRing things off of that I couldn’t get with an antenna were Food Network and Pop (which re-runs Beverly Hills 90210, and I was catching up on a couple of seasons that aired after I lost interest initially). There used to be a bunch of stuff I watched on BBC America, but they’ve had less and less stuff for the past 5 years or so, and every time I like a show on SyFy they cancel it, so I realized I could buy DVDs of those few seasons of 90210, let the Food Network stuff go for a while since it’d been a while since they’d started a new series I found interesting anyway, and really, the only thing I miss cable for is sports.

        The NWSL streams their games, so this time of year it mostly means that I focus on women’s sports rather than men’s, which isn’t a bad thing. It was annoying when our local basketball team was still in the playoffs, though, since before the current era of big money tv contracts those playoff games were always on broadcast as long as the local team was still in and now the NBA won’t let them do local market broadcasts after the first round. I don’t care about baseball or gridiron football enough to know the broadcast versus cable status for those sports. I mildly enjoy watching some of the “Olympic” sports such as gymnastics, field events, curling, and so on, but there are only so many hours in the day and if I want to watch random people curling and don’t care if it’s live, there are probably a bunch of amateur matches on YouTube. As it happens, I have still not gotten around to looking for them in over a year, so apparently I’ve just found other things to fill that time with. I’ve been meaning to start attending local high school track and field stuff live with some of that time and money I’m not spending on cable, but I haven’t actually followed through with that either.

      1. Trixie*

        I also wanted to add I like the idea of DirectTV but as a renter, options are limited for space/duration. I needed streaming options that offered multiple benefits (Amazon Prime, Hulu with spotify, etc) or carried the current shows I watch such as AMC, BBC, etc.

    27. The Other Dawn*

      I’d love very much to cancel cable; however, I can’t seem to bring myself to do it. I don’t know why since I don’t watch a ton of shows anymore. I do, however, love my Golden Girls. If I knew I could still watch that then I might try cutting the cord. (I haven’t done any research, so there is likely a way to watch.) I think being able to channel surf is something I feel like I would miss, although I don’t spend all night or weekend watching TV like I used to. I DVR my shows usually, but even then I don’t sit down more than a few times a week to watch.

      2. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        If it’s one or two specific shows like that, you can also cost out how many months of cable bill would it take to buy the series on DVD. For Golden Girls, it appears that you could buy it for about $60 on Amazon, so depending on your cable bill and if there are also other shows, that could be something that you’d make back your investment on in a month or two.

    28. Lilysparrow*

      Yes, we have cable internet only, and a Roku box on the TV.

      We watch Netflix, YouTube, occasionally get something on Amazon, and our public library has a free streaming service for movies and TV shows that has many things that aren’t available elsewhere online.

      From time to time we’ll borrow DVDs from the library as well, to watch on the computer. But that’s only if there’s a particular show we’re looking for. It’s not conducive to browsing.

      If keeping current on the latest episode of popular shows is important to you, our system wouldn’t work. But there is more than enough good, new-to-us content that we still bingewatch more than we should.

    29. bunniferous*

      Roku box. We have Amazon Prime, but we have access to both free and paid programming. I have more than I can watch. I watch Youtube on Roku too.

    30. De Minimis*

      Netflix, YouTube, AmazonPrime. I get my news from various news websites. The only issue I ran into is when I lived in places with severe weather, I usually would try to get weather updates on the radio. I haven’t been into network TV shows in a long time, so don’t really miss those.

      The only real “sacrifice” I guess is that I often won’t watch a TV series on its initial run unless it’s available on a service to which I subscribe, but there’s so much out there to watch that I don’t really care.

      I’ve also just discovered that the streaming service my library uses has a Roku app, so that’s great too.

      1. De Minimis*

        What really caused me to cut the cord a few years ago was when I had cable and realized that I’d go days without even turning the TV on [this was before I had a Roku setup.]

    31. Jaid*

      My Roku has a lot of stations on it, so you can pick and choose what you want to watch. I don’t pay for anything (my BFF gave me her Netflix password for Hanukkah), except for Britbox. PlutoTV is a station with different shows on it like cable…just with ads.

    32. Elizabeth West*

      Netflix, Hulu, Britbox, and PBS. I need to watch more of the last two to justify keeping them.

    33. Bluebell*

      Never had cable. We have a Smart TV and also Netflix and Hulu, so we always feel like there’s something to watch, even if just on YouTube.

    34. Ella Vader*

      I ditched cable years ago and don’t miss it. I kept my high speed Internet and use Netflix, YouTube, and buying seasons of TV shows on iTunes. It still is cheaper than when I had cable.

    35. Sam Foster*

      I have an over-the-air digital antennae for live TV like Super Bowl and Apple TV and its various apps for everything else. I buy subscriptions to things I know I want to watch (Good Place, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, etc.), sign up for month(s) of things like HBO (Game of Thrones) or Starz (American Gods) and have Prime from already having an Amazon Prime membership. I also have Netflix. Between those and buying/renting things I want to see I’m plenty entertained and spending a TON less money than cable.

    36. Lemonwhirl*

      We got SkyTV when our son was an infant because we suddenly had a lot of time to sit on the couch. We used it less and less as he got older and used Netflix much more. Then Hurricane Ophelia came and our Sky was out of alignment and we didn’t even notice for a couple of months! That was our cue to cancel the service.
      I watch a lot less crap (no more Teen Mom, Extreme Couponers, etc) and also now have no way to watch news channels, which I think is a positive change.
      Try not using the cable for a week or so and see how it goes. It might be easier than you think.

    37. Kanopy is the best*

      Another great thing in the world is Kanopy – a streaming service that a lot of libraries offer as a service. I have a library card for a library system that makes Kanopy available – there’s a wide variety of stuff available (and some are real rare gems) and you can watch a lot of movies. We get 50 credits a month, which is more than enough. Even with my tendency to “waste” credits on short films.

        1. Karen from Finance*

          Film theory: Lindsay Ellis, Folding Ideas, The Film Theorists, and for a more humourous take Jenny Nicholson.

          Politics: Contrapoints, Some More News, Philosophy Tube.

          Entertainment: longer interview videos like the THR roundtables, or the occasional TED talk or similar.

    40. Little Tin Goddess*

      I got rid of cable last Sept. I have Netflix, Prime and YouTube TV. I had Hulu too but got rid of that just last week. Hubs amd kids watch stuff on YouTube as well. Best decision I ever made. Cable bill was just over $190 a month. My internet bill is $65 a month. YouTube TV is only $45. I already had Netflix and Prime so Im not counting those on my savings. Just try it. You can always go back.

    41. Slartibartfast*

      I have Hulu with live tv and it’s honestly not much different than having cable. I don’t watch the live channels nearly as much as I thought I would but I like having the option.

  2. Stuff*

    So, I’m rewatching Star Trek Deep Space 9 right now, and Season 1 Julian Bashir really is HR’s worst nightmare. It’s actually fascinating how much of a textbook case of sexual harassment his behavior is.

    Chief O’Brien and Kira and the relationship between Quark and Odo are great as always. Can’t wait for Sisko to shave his head, because that’s just plain the right look for him.

    1. Melody Pond*

      Season 1 Julian Bashir really is HR’s worst nightmare

      UGH I know, right?!?! It’s amazing how growing up a little more, especially in the context of a society that is becoming less tolerating of that nonsense, has ruined pieces of shows that I always loved.

      1. Goose Lavel*

        From your question you say you don’t watch cable, it sounds like you don’t watch TV at all.

        But if you do watch TV, what is it you’re watchin? I’d start off by listing the channels and shows you watch to understand your viewing preferences, then you can look into streaming services that provide the program you like.

        Due to disabilites, my wife and I watch a great deal of cable programming and have just about every package available from Comcast Xfinity – HBO, Showtime, Cinemax, Netflix, YouTube and Tubi, with over 200 channels for surfing bundled with internet, phones and Home Security for $350 a month.

        Sounds like a lot per month, but it’s our primary source of entertainment and when you calculate the cost it’s only $.80 an hour.

        I just read an article on the internet yesterday regarding the “true cost of cutting the cord”. Streaming was $200 a month for everything the author and his family wanted to view. He did not not include the cost of an Internet provider as he would have to purchase a HDTV antenna.

      2. Ruffingit*

        I feel the same about Everybody Loves Raymond. That show is basically emotional abuse on the part of Ray toward his wife and severely toxic family members. No thanks.

    2. Concepts*

      Oof, yeah, Bashir is really hard to watch in the first season. The saving grace is most of the other characters don’t like him much at first either, and he changes a lot, but I really could have done without the sexual harassment.

    3. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I never really liked DS9 and now I feel the urge to watch a few episodes and find out if that was what I was reacting to. It wasn’t long after I’d had a run-in with an inappropriate craft teacher that caused me to drop something I loved.

    4. CatCat*

      Bashir was so irritating in the first season. Season 1 was one I overall didn’t care for except for the episode “Duet,” which, imo, was one of the best episodes of that show and maybe one of the best episodes of all the Star Trek shows.

    5. Mae*

      I’m watching for the first time, and am at the end of season 2. The past couple of episodes are the first time I have been able to tolerate Bashir. I took a long break to rewatch Buffy though, and I like DS9 more now than when I first started.

    6. Lady Of Tropes*

      TBF, Trek has always been stupendously bad at any kind of romantic stuff. There are exceptions here and there, but even Picard would make any decent HR department facepalm (ref. “Lessons”). Even the movies screw this up, and they don’t have the excuse of being old.

      I love Trek, but they need some writers who don’t write romance like middle schoolers (with apologies to middle schoolers).

  3. Chylleh*

    I couldn’t stand TV ads and got rid of cable about 11 years ago. I borrowed TV shows from the library at first. I eventually rented DVDs from Netflix, then transitioned to their streaming service. If there is a show I really want to see now not available on Netflix or Hulu, I’ll buy a month or two of streaming service to watch the show (American Gods on Starz for example). Shows tend to be short seasons so it’s easy to do and then I cancel.

    I guess it mostly depends on what you want to watch and what you think you’ll miss. There is typically a way to get what you want streaming wise for less cost and no ads. Good luck!

    2. Clisby*

      We’ve never had cable, so no issue with getting rid of it. (I’m always surprised when we go on vacation and think we’ll indulge ourselves in cable-watching, and there’s hardly anything we want to see.) However, we do subscribe to Acorn TV and have Amazon Prime; and for the last season of Game of Thrones I subscribed to HBO through Prime for a couple of months.

  4. matcha123*

    Someone commented in maybe a Thursday thread about the policing of poor people’s spending habits. That reply really resonated with me. Especially the part where she wrote that people want the poor to just go to an empty home and stare at a wall rather than spend money on any kind of entertainment.
    I find it so weird how people who are comfortable will race to put down someone with less money.

    1. Melody Pond*

      I fall prey to this, myself. I’m trying to correct it, as I’ve become more aware of it. I think it’s because our society has a tendency to view “poorness” as a moral failing or character flaw, which I have gradually come to see as ridiculous. I still struggle with not judging other people when I see them make really big financial decisions that seem obviously terrible, but I will say that since stumbling onto Elizabeth Warren’s “All Your Worth,” I’m much better about not internally nit-picking people over how they spend mere pennies.

      (One of Warren’s main things in that book is, “count the dollars, not the pennies.”)

      1. Ms Cappuccino*

        “Our society has a tendency to view “pooorness” as a moral failing.”
        It makes me wonder if this is a cultural thing, because where I am from this tends to be the opposite. If you are rich, something must be wrong with you, you must be dishonest. If you are poor, you are probably honest and a victim of capitalism.

          1. fposte*

            I’m not sure that’s a lot better, though; it’s still “there’s something wrong with people not like me.”

          2. Square Root Of Minus One*

            I don’t think it’s incredible either.
            I live in a country where it looks like everyone fancies themselves “middle class” (I promise, sometimes I think everybody’s definition of wealthy is “wealthier than me”).
            So we get both the attitudes about looking down at the state-subsidized and thinking anyone wealthier profits from the system.
            I don’t believe our system is perfect, far from it, but that’s honestly just annoying.

        2. Wishing You Well*

          “Poorness as a moral failing” started in the U.S. with the Puritans. Being prosperous back then was taken as a sign God favored and approved of you. So…being poor would mean the opposite. The Puritans really had some messed up thinking, but their attitudes persist. We need to drop this idea about poverty.

        3. Anon Anon Anon*

          I’ve seen that in the U.S. too. It can go both ways here.

          I finally noticed that the people who will fault you for being poor are generally the same exact people who will fault you for being rich. It’s a bully thing – looking for differences to ridicule. Of course picking on poor people is more damaging.

          1. JustKnope*

            I disagree that faulting the rich is “looking for differences to ridicule.” This isn’t different music choices or a difference in personality. Being rich in the U.S. gives you disproportionate access to healthcare, safety, and opportunities to get more money. I’m not saying the rich are necessarily moral failures, but the existence of ultra-rich people in a society IS a structural/societal failure, and that’s not really about “differences” it’s about the system being stacked against poor people. Critiquing the system that causes fundamental inequality isn’t ridicule.

            1. Anon Anon Anon*

              I agree! My post wasn’t very well worded. I was referring to criticizing individuals for “being rich” (plus negative stuff about rich people) when it’s a relatively minor difference – or no difference at all – from the criticizer. For example, when someone makes snide remarks about your “rich” house or car or job even though your expenses and income levels are about the same. The people who call me a “spoiled rich b-” when I have a new (used) car or an office job are the same people who call me “stupid and lazy” when I have an older, beat-up car and/or work in a restaurant. That kind of thing.

              1. Anon Anon Anon*

                I mean not actually being rich but having one thing that appears to be “nice” – like just having a 9-5 job. I’ve never actually been rich so I’ve never been attacked for actually being in that situation. Just for random things that were situational (house sitting in a nicer house than I could afford to rent!).

        4. Weeping Willow*

          I think it also goes both ways in the US. I’m not 1% wealthy but I earn a very good income. I often feel like people think I’m somehow gaming the system. Even in this thread, father down, someone commented that only 10% of Americans are able to take the mortgage interest deduction and they assume that 10% are extra wealthy. I was able to claim the mortgage interest deduction. Not because I have a million dollar home, but in large part because I also donated several thousand dollars to non-profits. I’m paying my fair share. And then some!

          1. Budgie Buddy*

            It’s true. If people do have benefited from some good financial habits I say more power to them. I’d rather see people doing okay for themselves financially than stressed out because they’re living paycheck to paycheck.

        5. Jules the 3rd*

          “Poor is a moral failing” is very strong in America. Puritans were really into it.

      2. Madge*

        I wonder if some people have a Great Depression era mental image of what “real” poverty looks like, and if people don’t meet that stereotype, including the clothing, then they’re not really poor and must be scamming.

      3. anonagain*

        I love this comment, Melody Pond.

        “All Your Worth” is my favorite book on personal finance because it is realistic and humane. If I remember correctly, and it has been quite some time, I think Warren and Warren Tyagi also briefly touch on some of the structural issues that have made it harder for people to buy homes, retire, etc.

        Another book you might find interesting is “Scarcity: Why Having Too Little Means So Much” by Sendhil Mullainathan (a behavioral economist) and Eldar Shafir (a psychologist). They talk about the ways that poverty is expensive and how scarcity of any kind can trap people in a cycle of more scarcity.

      4. dumblewald*

        I’m by no means poor, but I did have a contractor job for two years where I was living paycheck to paycheck, and that alone gave me a little bit of insight into what it might look for working class, economically insecure people in the US who don’t have stable, salaried jobs. It was really hard to plan out my life and spending in advance, because I didn’t know how much I was going to make next month or even the next 2 weeks. It wasn’t as bad as not being able to pay rent/utilities (a reality for poor people), but it was still very annoying. I also couldn’t pay upfront for a lot of things that would save me money in the long run, because I didn’t have the cash on hand. So overtime, I was spending inefficiently because I had no choice. I have since gotten a better paying job, thank goodness, but I recently moved and was surprised by how few things I own.

        There is a really good book called “Poor Economics” that really explains how poor people spend money very well. Most of their case studies are from the South Asia region (it’s written by an Indian economist). They talk about some case studies in the US as well. A lot of poverty alleviation programs try to focus on increasing poor people’s access to capital to get them out of the poverty trap.

    2. Asenath*

      I think some people just like criticizing other people, not just the poor. Certain people are always gossiping and complaining about their neighbour’s spending practices, or that relative who works, but is always looking for a bit of extra help while spending on expensive food and toys for their kids. But the poor make an especially easy target. I think it’s worse in a way in countries where the poor get government help. Sure, it all comes from taxes, and I think it’s wrong to pretend that any government service is “free” – but there are people who will look at the spending of those on social assistance and think “that’s MY money they’re spending, and they shouldn’t be spending it on (entertainment, cigarettes, etc) because I wouldn’t waste it that way”. Some of that group might be just as critical of their employed neighbour’s wasteful ways, but they’re more critical of those who waste tax money.

      1. Penny Parker*

        Actually, they THINK they are ” more critical of those who waste tax money”, but they are not. They are more critical of those whom they can look down upon and feel superior to. If they were worried about “tax money” then they would care about all the coporate welfare. Do you realize how many large corporations get tax refunds and/or pay NO taxes at all? The real tax scamming comes from the richest among us.

        1. Overeducated*

          Yup. People also don’t think about things like the mortgage interest tax deduction as a benefit they are getting with other people’s money….

          1. Clisby*

            Or about h0w taxpayers often are essentially subsidizing health insurance provided by employers.
            (With the passage of the new tax law, it’s estimated that only about 10% of people paying mortgage interest will be able to take a deduction – I can only assume the 10% are extra wealthy).

            1. fposte*

              It’s about how much you deduct, though, not how much you make. So while it’s true people with much higher property taxes will be much likelier to find it advantageous, there’s a cap on what you can deduct there, and it’s also advantageous to people who had high medical costs or who had losses in natural disasters.

    3. Anne (with an “e”)*

      When I was growing up my mother used to say that no one truly knows another’s finances. I remember her pointing out that some families, who on the surface, appeared to be doing very well could be living “pay check to pay check.” Whereas a family that appeared to be poor might have quite a lot in savings. She always stressed that no one truly knows anybody’s sources of income nor, likewise, all their expenses. She always emphasized that appearances are very deceiving. Anyhow, I quickly learned to never judge another family’s, or person’s spending habits.

      1. Thursday Next*

        This is a really valuable lesson for parents to impart to their children. Your mom was wise.

        1. Anon Anon Anon*

          Yes! I wish this was more widely known. Someone’s fancy house and car could be rentals or on a loan that most people would qualify for. I mean they didn’t necessarily buy those things outright or start with a standard down-payment. Whereas the person with the old car and modest house could be spending their money on other things.

    4. MissDisplaced*

      I’m not surprised at all. In America we are indoctrinated constantly with the message that ‘if you’re poor, it’s your own fault.’ Once you become aware of how these messages play out, you see things clearly.

    5. dumblewald*

      Ugh, some people are just assholes who undermine other people, especially minorities. EVERY poor person is a self-sabotaging sloth, rather than a victim of a systemic issue, given how many of them there are? Please! It’s like how EVERY woman who claims to be sexually assaulted is a sociopathic liar who is scheming to get rich.

      1. MissDisplaced*

        What is even worse is that more and more formerly middle class Americans are sliding into poverty.
        Many are only 1-2 paychecks away from becoming homeless. Or, a sudden job loss or illness will completely devastate whatever savings they may have had and they become poor. There is no safety net for these people!

        I found that out the hard way in 2009-2011 in the worst recession I’ve ever seen. Once the unemployment ran out, there was nothing.

    6. knead me seymour*

      I think it’s very much Just World thinking in action. If you choose to believe that poor people are poor because they’ve made bad choices, that means that if you’re wealthy, you must have made good choices and deserve it. I doubt many people actually articulate it to themselves that way, but all the people I know who subscribe most to this belief about poverty are at least upper middle class.

      1. MissDisplaced*

        Actually I very much believe they DO articulate it to themselves this way! I see it all the time on LinkedIn and repeated over and over on Faux News and people being told that by politicians.

      2. That Girl From Quinn's House*

        I think this is also why people are so harsh on crime victims and parents whose children are injured or die. They must have done something “wrong” = this will never happen to me because I do things “right”. It’s pure denial.

      3. Thursday Next*

        I think a lot of middle class and less affluent people believe this, actually. If poor people are “other,” and not them, then poor people must deserve to be poor.

        Think about areas of the U.S. with high rates of people drawing disability checks. Many of them believe people on welfare are *other* people, instead of recognizing that they are receiving state benefits as well.

    7. The Man, Becky Lynch*

      It’s easier to ignore injustice and society failing humanity by placing blame on the victim. It’s less scary and not a threat if you fool yourself into believing poverty is just an easy fix. All you need to do is dust off your gumption and shine your bootstraps!

      It’s the same issue with how homeless folks are made into the laziest of all who choose a “lifestyle”. Addicts “choose” drugs. The mentally ill “choose” to listen to the voices,etc etc.

      It’s sadly a survival coping mechanism in a way. If you realize how close you may be to being poor or homeless,it’ll shatter the comfort.

    8. Elizabeth West*

      This makes me so mad. What are we supposed to do, sit in the ditch in rags with a begging bowl? Then we’d just get spit on even more.

      I go to the movies now and then to get the hell out of the house. I need the stimulation. Plus, wild horses couldn’t have kept me from Avengers: Endgame, not even if I had to roll pennies for a year.

    9. Alston*

      This reminded me of an essay and eventually a book Linda Tirado wrote. People were like ” why do poor people make bad financial choices?” And she was poor, and mad and wrote out this amazing essay. Like you think I make stupid choices buying the same cheap shoes that fall apart in 2 months, but I have $10 to spend, not the $200 to spend on ones that will last years. And if you try to save for the more expensive ones something will always get in the way and take that money.
      Her essay and book are fantastic. I’ll link it in a follow up comment. She goes into people policing time, money, and experiences of the poor as well.

    10. Rebecca*

      It’s easy to become poor and very difficult to reverse once it happens. A friend fell and broke her leg, required surgery, there were complications, and she was off work for 4 1/2 months. Her job provides sick time (only 5 days) and short term disability, but only $200/week before insurance payments and taxes. She carried the health insurance for her family, husband and 2 kids. At the 90 day mark, HR asked her boss if he was going to terminate her employment, as was his right. Think about that. Instant COBRA, no more short term disability, husband working but doesn’t make enough to cover all of that and a mortgage. And who would hire her when she’s still recovering? Thankfully boss said no, they were able to stay afloat, but what if he had? This could have easily spiraled into getting behind on bills/mortgage/car payment, which damages credit, in turn making it harder to get a loan or help, and then if someone else got sick and no insurance, because very few people can afford COBRA, game, match, set. You’re poor, your credit is ruined, and then it’s all “BOOTSTRAPS” and “look at her with that iPhone, and she gets SNAP benefits”, never mind the iPhone is an older model left over from better days.

      I find all of this very sad. People like my mother like to sit there, with her investments, and say “people should save money” “people should invest” and I say in what, and with what? Almost everyone I know lives paycheck to paycheck, and even if you do manage to save money, what’s the savings rate? .0001? It’s not even worth putting the money in the bank where someone could scam your account and steal it. Just keep it at home in a coffee can. If you have extra to put aside, that is.

      1. Ruffingit*

        THIS! So well said. I’ve always maintained that we’re all one accident, divorce, death of a spouse/partner, away from total ruin. It’s not hard to have that happen in the U.S.

        Whenever I see someone on SNAP who is driving a fancy car or has their nails done or has a nice phone or whatever else, I think that I know nothing of their circumstances. Could be they have a friend who does their nails for free, could be someone gifted them the phone, could be they borrowed the car to drive to the store. I don’t know what someone is going through and it doesn’t hurt me one iota to assume the best.

    11. Move Over Thrawn - Florian Munteanu is BIGGER than you!*

      Not entirely sure this belongs here but… on Friday I did a cash out refi of my car. No, the terms weren’t great, though I can afford the monthly payments (less than what I paid before) but it was the best solution I could think of. I need to buy things, the car is aging and needs repairs, where else could that money come from? But honestly it made me, and still makes me, feel very small and worthless. I even paid extra for the insurance program they offered, mostly because it will save me money on repairs, but also because it will make the payments if I get laid off – and I do not trust my employer to not lay me off, like they did to my coworker last June.

      I have no actual security, and no feeling of security either. And I do not expect to ever get either.

      1. Sam I Am*

        I hope you have good luck with the vehicle and the refi.
        In good times, try to admire your own best traits. Then in tough times, lean on these traits and remind yourself of them, as you are not without worth.

    12. Anon due to hard luck childhood*

      Some of us did have parents who would take much-needed money, that might often be donations from friends or relatives or welfare payments, that would otherwise go to feed their children, pay rent, or buy shoes to spend on pyramid schemes and televangelists. Then end up with unfed, poorly clothed children and evictions. Some parents spend the same money on addictions. Poverty is not a sign of goodness, either, just as it is not a sign of badness. But irresponsibility when poor has a much worse effect than irresponsibility when rich. If you have parents like I did, and if people see how they acted, you can see why they would draw negative stereotypes about poor people.

  5. Tonya*

    Hi all. Random request to pick your brain. I’m in China (Beijing, Shenyang, Shanghai) for a couple of weeks for an MBA course and need to dive into a few topics for short essays. There’s a few obvious ones due to current events (err trade war) but I need to write a few and am blanking on topics for the last two. Anyone have a topic related to the culture or business that they’ve heard about that might be an interesting thing for me to dive into, an emerging trend etc.? My professor is a finance doctorate so I’m steering clear of those topics.

    1. Messy Bun*

      Wow, that sounds really exciting, enjoy that!
      Topics that come to my mind (I have a background in sociology so I’m sorry of the focus is not quite right for an MBA)
      urbanization in China and its socioeconomic effects (you can find very specific case studies)
      the development of the elderly tourism in China
      tipping in the hospitality industry

      Good luck and let us know when you discover something interesting.

    2. Effie, who gets to be herself*

      My favorite Chinese cultural topic is food & love: how Chinese culture limits expressions of love to mostly feeding.

      1. Charlotte*

        My husband confirms this is true. He’s a second generation American whose parents immigrated from China. He says it’s common to open a conversation by asking if the other person has eaten today.

    3. Femme d'Afrique*

      China’s incursion into (invasion of?) Africa has generated quite a bit of panic in Western countries. That might be an interesting topic to explore.

      1. Reba*

        Yes, Belt and road! Little watched, hugely impactful across the African continent and in SE Asia as well.

        1. Femme d'Afrique*

          Very controversial in several African countries, with quite a lot of domestic opposition. I’d be interested to hear what ordinary Chinese people think of it. Also, there are very real cultural and social differences for populations that weren’t at all prepared to deal with each other. There have been quite a few racist incidents both on the continent and in China itself, and I’d be fascinated to hear what Chinese businesspeople make of it all.

    4. Silver*

      An interesting thing about China has been the rise of the payment apps like AliPay and the use of QR codes which aren’t very common in the West. That might be an interesting thing to look into and a shopping trip could double as research.

      Another thing thats starting to get noticed is the social credit scores that the government now assigns to people and the different ways that small infractions (jaywalking, littering) can lower your social credit score. This can then affect all sorts of things in your private life.

      1. Also a librarian*

        And in general, social media use/differences in China. They dont have FB, etc.

    5. Madge*

      Broadly applying the principles of LEAN manufacturing is trending in the US. Do any Chinese businesses use LEAN and how do they apply it and is it effective. LEAN cam out of Toyota in Japan, so it would be interesting to see if and how other Asian businesses apply it.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Cultural differences would make an interesting topic. Perhaps too broad? Maybe tackle a couple norms in China vs the counter-part norms in the US?

      One thing I see in my own town is the recycling piling up all over. There is no where to go now that it can’t go to China. A lot of it now ends up at the burn plant. (yeah, I know.) And within the past few months we are now being charged to drop off our recycling (paper, cardboard, plastic etc). Granted it’s a small amount but the folks at the collection center are suggesting neighbors pool their recycling together into larger loads and split the cost.We can’t even throw out electronics here- there’s no where to go.
      Just a suggestion but it might make an interesting story on how that is impacting China or not.

    7. Bex*

      Global implications of the Belt & Road Initiative; shifts in Beijing’s monetary policy; China power market reform; implications of growing global pressure for supply chain transparency; pandas (China owns all of them, has used them for diplomacy in the past, but just repatriated the two in San Diego.); impacts of chinese tourism;
      chinese philanthropy

    8. Policy wonk*

      Transportation – use of bikes vs. cars and how it varies from city to city.
      Demographics – observations on the number of old people vs. children
      Influence of foreign cultures – e.g., prevalence of McDonalds or KFC.
      Enjoy your trip – China is fascinating.

    9. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I was just listening to a piece on the radio about Greenland and China’s investments in their harbors.
      Also possibly of interest a few years ago I had read something about the Chinese government cracking down on tourists and locals alike stealing bricks out of the Great Wall of China. I haven’t seen anything new and when I went looking on the internet everything there was a few years old too.

    10. Tonya*

      Wow, you guys are awesome as always. I hadn’t thought of, or even heard of, most of these! Thanks!

  6. Another Manic Monday*

    I have been told that I can come across as quite cold and emotionless in my comments and emails. I have been quite reserved since childhood and don’t like to show my emotion and share them with others. It doesn’t feel safe for me to do so. I come from an emotionally neglectful home and it has made lasting impact on my life long after I left my parent’s home.

    My father was a big man with an explosive temper. I can’t recall any of us being physically abused by him, but I definitely feared him whenever he had one of his explosive episodes. I don’t remember it, but my sister insists that I often cried in terror in my bedroom whenever my father and our brother was arguing and shouting behind closed door. My father is quite brilliant and a jack of all trades, but he didn’t understand that my interest might be different than his interests or he didn’t care. I was basically relegated to be his faithful sidekick and he was dragging me around to whatever thing he wanted to do. I was there to support him in his hobbies and interests and not the other way around.

    I really was a mommy’s boy in early childhood. Looking back, however, I do realize that she was emotionally manipulative toward me. She would “borrow” money from my savings and do other things that our father did not know about. My mother would ensure my silence by saying that really bad things would happen if I told my father about it, e.g. “he will kill me if you tell him”, “he will divorce me if he finds out”, “I will have to commit suicide”, etc. I know now that she wasn’t telling the truth, but back then I believed her and she made me fear my own father even more.

    My older brother was physically abusive toward me and my sister on a daily basis. He would regularly hit me for no other reason than me being in his general presence. He would lay traps for me to walk into, e.g. he once placed thumbtacks immediately outside my bedroom so I stepped on a bunch of them when I tried to use the bathroom. He never got in trouble for being abusive as my parents ignored his behavior toward his younger siblings. My brother had a hard time in school and was often arguing with our father. I suspect that he thought that I was the perfect release for all his builtup anger and frustration. His continued to be abusive toward to me until I was 16 or 17 and big enough to defend myself. At our very last confrontation he walked away with a broken nose. He left me alone after that.

    I love my older sister and she’s the only family member that I would trust with my life. She was my defender and supporter when I was growing up. She was unusually tall for being a girl and she beat up some of the schoolmates that bullied and teased me in elementary school. My father didn’t protect me, my mother didn’t protect me, my brother didn’t protect me, but my sister did. When us kids got older, she became the black sheep of the family. My father would constantly rag on her and often voiced his disappointment with her over this and that. She got tired of it and moved out with the first boyfriend she could find.

    I was constantly bullied and teased in elementary school. I had a speech impediment and whenever I opened up my mouth, they would laugh at me for my struggle to properly pronounce common words. During the winter it wasn’t uncommon for me to get pelted with snowballs on my home from school for shits and giggles. I had poor body coordination so I didn’t do well in sports, so I was always among one of the last picked for any team. I wasn’t bullied or teased in junior high because I was always hiding in the library by myself during recess and avoided to get involved with the rest of my class. I enjoyed high school much better. My classmates were nice and tried to include me their activities, but I was basically the quiet person in the group just hanging around with them and a permanent wallflower fixture at any of our class parties.

    I can’t remember a single time in my whole childhood when my parents asked me about my day and how I was doing. They never asked me about how I was doing in school and if I had friends. I didn’t make noise or cause trouble, so I guess they assumed that everything was okay. I never shared my thoughts and feelings with them because it didn’t feel safe and I had also gotten the strong impression that my thoughts, feelings, desires, interests, etc, didn’t matter unless they were the same as my parents. Until this day, I do not share my thoughts and feelings with my parents. I don’t see any purpose for doing so. They weren’t there for me when I was a child so why would it be different now?

    I did really poorly when it comes to grades in school. I didn’t get grades high enough to even attend a community college. I ended up having to go back and take several tests the following year to get my grade point average above the cutoff needed for general college admission. I did, however, test really well in the national SAT and was in the top 1% of all test takers. I ended up being accepted a prestigious law school and attended it for one year. I did get decent grades, but I lacked the motivation to continue after the first year. I had grown weary of not fitting in and wanted to drastically change my life. I got the opportunity to move to the United States and start a new life there so I took it and never looked back.

    Once in the United States, I quickly got married and then I joined the military. After 9/11, I would go to both Iraq and Afghanistan for a total of two years. It was very stressful and I did lose a bunch of friends while we were there. I was a foreign claims investigator and pay agent in Iraq and Afghanistan. That basically meant that I was there to pay “blood money” to local nationals for accidental deaths, injuries, and property damage. It was hard to look somebody in the eye and express and express my regret over the death of their loved one and try to explain to them why their son was only worth $2,500 in the eyes of the US government.

    I worked in the criminal justice field for the military back home. I was reviewing police reports and criminal investigations on a daily basis. Plenty of those reports contained crimes against children and it was really hard to read about the abuse and look at the pictures. You have to emotionally detach yourself from the horrific things you are reading or you can’t do the job.

    In the end, I couldn’t deal with it anymore and ended up retiring early from the military with a diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder. I still work in the legal field, but I no longer have to read those reports.

    I’m still officially married, but we haven’t lived together for several years. My spouse is a very dominant and strong-willed person who wants things her way. She only valued my opinions if they agreed with her opinions, so I catered to her demands for more than ten years. I thought that if I could make her happy then she would make me happy in return, but that never happened. We took different sides on a social issue a few years back and I decided that the issue was a hill that I was willing to die on. I officially resigned from church we both belonged to due their stance on the social issue and that was more than she could handle. I ended up being relegated to a glorified roommate instead of a husband, so I decided to leave because I will not be a second-class citizen in my own home.

    I am doing relatively okay right now. I have a good and secure job that I enjoy. I just wish that I actually had a social life. I don’t have any friends except my best friend and coworkers (at work only) and I am not dating anyone. It gets very lonely when I am not at work. I would like to have friends and somebody to love, but I don’t see that happening anytime soon.

    I’m uncomfortable with emotions and how to handle them. The only way I can deal with them is to suppress them.

    1. matcha123*

      I feel like emails can be pretty cold, regardless. I’m a woman and I use :) and … a lot in emails to coworkers that I’m friendly with. But, honestly, I’ve gotten emails from them at times that seem cold. And I just remind myself that they probably didn’t mean anything by it.

      If you want some phrases to sound friendlier, I’m sure you can find some with a google search.

      I don’t know if you wanted to write as a kind of stress release or so people know you a bit better. I remember a lot of people came on harsh last week re animals. When you’ve grown up in an abusive house, it takes a long time to work through things. The best advice I can give is to be aware of the situations that set you off and prepare ways to diffuse them. And take things one step at a time. I have been working on my relationship to money and other various annoyances from growing up. It’s like exercise. You’re not going to drop 20lbs the first time you do 10 push-ups. You have to deal with a lot more stress than other people and it’s not fair. Just keep that in mind and good luck!

    2. Not A Manager*

      I think you had a thread last week about some compulsive spending/collecting? Please find some good professional support. You’ve been through a lot and it’s clearly affecting your functioning and your happiness. You can gain some insight and control over these issues that seem really overwhelming right now.

    3. Anon for this*

      That is a lot of living. As someone who has tried to deal with depression on my own, I am finally taking steps to make an appointment with a therapist. Some work places have employee assistance programs which are confidential and free for a couple of appointments. It might be helpful to talk to someone neutral about your feelings. You are not alone.

    4. Lena Clare*

      I don’t know if you were just venting or wanted some advice?
      It might be that you’re not coming off cold in emails. It might be that you’re not able to recognise what’s appropriate in writing or not. For example, this post is a lot of personal information – it doesn’t come off as ‘cold’ though. It seems like you’re going through an enormous amount of emotional turmoil.

      I’m so sorry you’ve had that experience. Every child deserves love and it’s horrible that your parents were not able to love you in the way that you needed.

      I recommended therapy. Can you get it?
      Reading about attachments might help also. A good book is “Attached: the science of attachment…” it’s got a long title I can’t remember it now.

      In terms of feeling connected to others, you could go to classes just to participate in them. Yoga or aerobics or art history or anything where there are other people to help you feel less lonely. You don’t need to chat to people but if you do just keep it light and friendly.

      Wishing you the best.

      1. Another Manic Monday*

        I do sign up for a lot of classes, meetups, social events, etc, but I end up not going at all or I just show up for an hour and then leave at best possible opportunity. I have a gym membership, but I haven’t been there in over a year despite being within walking distance. I have been paying for a dating site for the last six months, but I still haven’t worked on my profile and it remains hidden from sight. I went to the last social mingle event that I signed up for, but ended up sitting by myself quiet in a corner and then I left after just an hour. I just don’t know how to break the ice and start a conversation.

        1. Sam I Am*

          If you’re looking for a script to start a conversation, what works for me is going full kindergarten and saying really basic things. At a meetup maybe “I’m looking to make new friendships and am just getting to know new people. What drew you to this event today?” Listen, try to remember their name and something about the conversation to ask about the next time you go to the meetup.
          If you want to continue the conversation after the event, ask them if they want to join you “I’m going for ice cream, want to join me?”
          If you want to ask for a date be specific, “You seem really interesting, and I’d like to take you out sometime. How’s lunch on Saturday?”
          Make sure you know if you’re asking for a friendship or a date and of course be as gracious as possible if your serve isn’t returned.

    5. misspiggy*

      You’ve clearly been through a lot and have coped enormously well in many ways. You appear to have developed coping strategies that helped you survive, but have protected you too well from others to give you the connection and intimacy you want.

      Therapy does seem relevant. Challenging, if you don’t feel safe with strangers, but it could be very helpful. Would online therapy over text be an idea? You write very well, and the distance might feel safer. Would journaling help to identify things you want to change?

      Captain Awkward’s blog has a lot of strategies on all sorts of friendship and relationship issues. Developing ways to be calm and not retreat when you feel threatened could also be worth looking into. Meditation? Mindfulness?

    6. chi chan*

      Hello, that must have taken courage to write. I have to ask, do you want to get more comfortable with emotions? It would be a long process. So I would advise starting small and with the low cost resources around you. Moodgym is an online resource for mental health you can work through. Read Captain Awkward archives, whatever appeals to you and Dear Sugar archives on the Rumpus. I would recommend starting with ninety four ways of saying thankyou. Journal your thoughts everyday. Also volunteer. From your writing you seem to empathize with people in unfortunate circumstances a lot. So spend some time walking dogs at a shelter, making up boxes at a food pantry, fostering a dog, at a hospice. Do try not to spend money. The currency here is time, that you invest in yourself and others. There is a post about doing money on Captain awkward that is gold. Look around for veteran support groups for depression which you can join. Mentor someone, teach someone something. And accept help too.
      Also look for people helping out in any disaster. You mentioned working with reports on children. So I am recommending some books. Will you love Me and The Saddest Girl in the World by Cathy Glass. Also Just Another Kid and Silent Boy by Torey Hayden.
      Eventually you may be comfortable with the idea of therapy and with all this work you may have a clearer idea of what you want to work on. Reddit r/talktherapy has a lot of people discussing therapy and can demystify it.
      Once you have a Team You it may be easier to tackle things and I would advise taking a look at your marriage. Right now you and your wife may be responsible for each other’s debts, and medical decisions should one of you become sick.
      As for email, please at the end of a sentence softens almost anything and thankyou before signing your name. Generic things like pleased to hear from you, instead of sorry for the late reply also softens things.

      1. Another Manic Monday*

        Thank your for your comments. I would like to more comfortable with handling negative emotions because my inability to handle them properly do impact negatively on my life.

        I will read the online resources that you mentioned. I don’t think that I can journal. I have tried in the past, but I get stuck immediately. I’m not an author but I still got writer’s block and can’t really put my thoughts to words in the way I want.

        I’m aware of the legal aspects of staying married. Unfortunately, I don’t really have anyone else do medical decisions for me. The only family I got in the United States is my wife and my under-aged daughter. The rest is still living in my old country and would most likely be unavailable in a medical emergency. My best and only friend isn’t a suitable option due to her own medical issues. There’s no other option unless I want some attorney to make decisions for me.

    7. Amethyst*

      Wow. I’m so sorry. I hope you’ll accept a hug for Child You. If not, a handshake. :)

      I also come from an abusive home. I was the surprise child (firstborn) & the one who shattered my mother’s dreams of having essentially a doll to do whatever she wanted with, with no resistance from me. The instant I broke those dreams of hers, I became forever black in her eyes. Many a wooden spoon has been broken over my butt, so I get it.

      I’ve been in therapy for the last 8-9 years. At first, it was to unpack my childhood, & then it morphed into managing my trauma & PTSD from an abusive grandparent/waking up to an extremely toxic family system in which they piled onto the abuse I was already receiving from said grandparent, then realizing BOTH parents’ families are extremely toxic. (Yay me.) Now it’s back to unpacking that childhood & putting names to emotions I have. I’m a helluva lot better at that last bit than I ever used to be. Emotions were never safe to express so I turned to food. I ate my feelings, basically.

      Anyway, I’d definitely suggest you go to therapy to unpack all of what you described. It’s really rough going; some sessions ended with me in tears. But afterwards, even though I was emotionally & mentally wiped out, it felt better to have done that work. I’d also suggest you look into Reiki for additional help. It’s energetic healing, so it’ll work well in tandem with therapy (or on its own or in combination with traditional Western medicine, etc.). I’m a Reiki Master Teacher & I’ve found it helps me to tap into that part of me that’s suppressed & give it a voice. Once it’s done, it’s done. It’s out of my body, & I feel lighter after a session of that type. (Not recommended for frequent use as it can be very emotionally draining, but I’ve found it’s highly effective to tap into Child Me every so often to lend her Adult Me’s voice.)

      Also, I’d seriously consider looking into severing ties with your estranged wife. It sounds like you haven’t lived together in years & don’t even share a life together either, so having this loose end tied up might be good for you to know that this part of your life is over & done with & you can begin the process of moving on. (I don’t like loose ends so this bugs me, so take this with a pile of salt, lol.)

      I hope this helps. Good luck.

      1. Another Manic Monday*

        Thank you for your comments. I will look into your suggestions as they sound helpful.

        It would make sense to sever ties with my estranged wife and that’s something that I want to do. Being still legally married to her makes it more awkward to pursue other relationships. It also a convenient excuse for me to avoid getting the thing I desire to have, but at the same time fear. The fear of failure is quite intense for me when it comes to relationships and it can be self-defeating.

        We have agreed upon a divorce and the terms for it, but we are waiting for our child to turn 18 due to financial reasons. My wife is saving quite a bit of money on staying married to me and in turn she can spend more money on our daughter. They also live several states away and I would have to file for divorce in their home state which makes things more challenging as I just can’t walk to my local courthouse and file the paperwork. It’s also another convenient excuse to avoid something that causes a lot of stress and fear in me.

    8. Formerly Known As*

      I’m sorry for what you went through growing up. Would you consider seeing a therapist? It helps to have someone to talk to, and a therapist could help you with ways to handle your emotions or offer suggestions for how to make new friends,.

      1. Another Manic Monday*

        I have seen therapists in the past for almost two years. I did enjoy talking to them on a regular basis and it was helpful to some extent, but I didn’t make the progress that I wanted so it fizzled out. I think one of the big problems was that they were only focusing on my experiences as adult I can’t recall ever taking about my childhood and adolescence. I guess it’s difficult to make satisfactory progress if a significant portion of somebody’s life is ignored.

        1. Mananana*

          Many modalities of therapy don’t go into childhood issues, with the exception of a brief overview, as they are more solution-focused. Part of that is practical (many insurance companies will only pay for a limited number of counseling sessions; delving deep into a client’s childhood would mean less time for problem-solving. However, there are those who practice psychoanalysis, which is a long-term talk therapy; perhaps that would suit your needs.

        2. Ethyl*

          I don’t want this to come off as flippant or making light of your issues, but therapy isn’t supposed to be “pleasant,” or a place to “enjoy talking to” someone. I suspect either the type of therapy wasn’t connecting with you or you weren’t willing or able to be honest enough to make progress with your therapists.

          1. Another Manic Monday*

            I’m sorry that I enjoyed being able to talk to somebody who was willing to listen to what I have to say. I don’t think you have any idea how refreshing that felt to me after having been ignored for most of my life. You might have a ton of family and friends to talk with to fulfill your need for social interaction, but I don’t have that. It’s a three-day weekend, I haven’t had real social interaction with a human being for almost 72 hours. It’s not good and I want to change that.

            The lack of progress was mainly caused by the difficulties to do the “home work” assigned to me and not any lack of candor toward my therapist. Anyhow, my therapy fizzled out because I got a full-time job and moved. Since then I put all my energy into my job.

    9. WellRed*

      Please seek out some help. This post adds so much to last week’s post. You deserve happiness and love in your life but it will take work and time and can’t be bought in one of every color. Maybe someone here will have some practical advice on next first steps.

    10. Troutwaxer*

      I have a similar problem, which is that I come across as someone who’s generally too intense, so I made a decision to start all my emails with “Hi _________” just to keep things relaxed and informal. Maybe you could structure your emails a little informally with some canned elements like “Hi ________” or end with “Hope everythings chill with you.” Not exactly those, of course, but something that’s appropriate for your particular situation.

    11. Not So NewReader*

      You are one very strong person. And you are smart. You have survived all these situations in life and still managed to have achievements. This is amazing. This is what strength and smarts looks like. I am sure that you do not always feel that way but it happens a lot that people do not realize how strong or just how smart they are.

      You say you are still married. This does not seem to fit with the rest of your story, because your story moves along and you keep doing different things. For your marriage to remain in a limbo state does not seem like something you would chose. Perhaps resolving or dissolving that would be a good starting point for you.

      Others have mentioned therapy and I will add my vote for that here, if that is doable for you.

      But you are looking for friends that is what you mention as your current focus. Can you go with your best friend and meet some of their friends? Can you do volunteer work? Could you and your bestie join a volunteer group together? Since you have seen a lot of harshness in life I would suggest something that is tamer- such as volunteering for a library. Chose strategically, don’t put yourself where you are saving drowning puppies or other traumatic things. Someone else will volunteer to take care of the puppies, you don’t have to. Chose volunteer work that is relatively low key and something that fits your skill sets or something that you know you will catch on to.

      You know what is nice is to have an older friend in your life someone who is more than 10 years older than you. While this could involve some care giving on your part depending on the age of the person, older people can tell us about life stuff that is just not available in books or any other place.
      The reason I am saying this is that if we want to change something about ourselves we have to stand next to people who are already doing it, so we can see how it is done. Role-models. Perhaps you can find an older friend who is already doing what you would like to see yourself doing.

      Sometimes older people can see that we need someone just to play a “Rock of Gibraltar Role” in our lives. Have you noticed an older person who always seems happy to see you? Or who always takes an interest in you somehow? If no, start paying more attention going forward, you might find a helpful companion who over time helps you in ways that I can’t fully describe here.

      Have you thought about writing? Even just journaling or your own purposes? You do write well, you are very clear.

      As far as opening up to people I have two thoughts:

      Learn to pick people. We all have to do this to some degree so this is not a “lacking” on your part. We can’t do what our parents and those around us can’t or won’t teach us. Learn about healthy relationships, this could mean reading about relationships. Relationships are a back and a forth, each person puts into the relationship. Learn about boundaries, there’s some great boundaries books out there.

      Learn about emotions. Just sit and read. Anger itself is not bad, we are supposed to feel anger or feel a sense injustice. It’s what we DO with that anger that matters. Learn about channeling anger for positive purposes. Learn about grief. Learn the stages of grief and the symptoms of grief. Read what others describe as their experiences in their grieving process. Grief can be for many reasons not just the death of a loved one.
      I believe that underneath anger many times there is a lot of tears/grief. Of the many people I know, you are most certainly justified in crying as you have had one heck of a road. Crying is okay, we are supposed to use our tears to help us. Crying does create a chemical reaction in the brain that helps the brain to stay healthy.

      Last. Consider getting a check up with a GP and consider going to a nutritionist. Life’s sadnesses have a way of pulling down heart function, thyroid function and we can have stomach trouble. This list goes on. Life sadnesses can also leave us eating whatever food is around whenever it occurs to us that we should eat something/anything. Take a look at working plenty of fresh veggies and fruits and water into your routines. Yeah, it matters. We have to fortify our bodies so our minds can work and we can think clearly about what we are doing.

      Keep reading here. I can’t think of a place where you can see a wider variety of people with such an array of ideas. If you don’t feel like typing, just keep lurking and absorbing. This is a crockpot idea, it takes time. I suspect that a chunk of your loneliness comes from a sense that your life has been different from other people’s.
      And this is probably true. So what you can read for is the times you relate to what others are saying, and you will find those times, I can assure you. In between those moments you will find good advice on just about everything else in life. That can be comforting in surprising ways, also.

      1. Another Manic Monday*

        Thank you for your sharing your thoughts.

        My bestie (and basically only friend outside work) is actually considerable older than me (about 21 years) and my complete polar opposite when it comes to personality. She’s an extreme extrovert, no filter, proud tramp, habitual drunkard, glass half-full, who is always looking for a good time. We are an odd couple when hanging out together because were have so little in common when it comes to personalities. I don’t think we were ever meant to be friends, yet here we are. It’s really odd to be honest.

        Unfortunately, she was in a very serious accident (got run over on a crosswalk) a few years back that left her unable to work. She had to move a city with a lower cost of living as she now had to live on her savings and disability retirement. I try to go visit her once a month or so to help her with things around the house and just to hang out with her and her dogs. I’m just happy that she survived. She was in a coma for several days and the doctors thought she would have to be a care-facility for the rest of her life.

        I would like to volunteer again, but I’m not ready to do it yet. I’m worried that I will try to do too much and take on too much responsibility. I have that tendency and I don’t want to get overwhelmed and burned out again. At this time, I am satisfied to give monthly donations to charities and causes that I care about (ACLU, SPLC, HRC, RAINN, NCMEC, KIND, PP, and ASPCA. Maybe one day I will do more than just contribute financially.

    12. Thursday Next*

      Please seek out therapy. Do you have an EAP? That would be a good starting point. If you have health insurance, many insurance providers have a mental health/behavioral health contact number, where they can assist you in finding in-network providers. It can be hard finding a good therapist, and expensive, so I don’t say this lightly: I think it would be a good investment for you, based on what you wrote here and last week. That is a lot to be dealing with, and a professional can help you unravel and process your history.

      1. Another Manic Monday*

        I do have good health insurance and the cost isn’t an issue. I would like to see a therapist, but I do struggle with poor executive functions which makes it difficult to make the arrangements needed see a therapist, e.g. get the referral, locate a provider, schedule an appointment, etc. It’s quite overwhelming for me to do the leg work needed. I got referral for a psychologist a few months back, but I have yet to get an appointment scheduled due to difficulties locating one who can see me.

        1. MindoverMoneyChick*

          Check out betterhelp(.)com. It’s online therapy and the logistics are easier.

        2. Thursday Next*

          Would it help to break the task down? For example, if the referral is still valid, the next step is to find providers with availability. Maybe your to-do list will have one item: call insurance company’s behavioral health number to ask for providers with availability. That’s it. Then deal with the next step after you clear this one.

          I hear you on the executive functioning issues getting in the way; it’s a feature of many conditions that the condition itself makes it difficult to go about the tasks involved in obtaining treatment for those conditions. So for me, when I’m at my most depressed, it’s very difficult to articulate that and ask for help, because the depression itself is so draining, and makes me feel that any effort I expended wouldn’t pay off anyway.

    13. Lilysparrow*

      I really appreciate you writing all that out. It must have been difficult.

      You know, it’s ironic – your ability to compartmentalize may have been the very thing that made you so valuable in those emotionally intense career roles. Many people would “wash out” or bail out before they even got into the field. Nobody could do that forever, but I’m sure you made really important contributions during your tenure in those jobs.

      You have been through an awful lot. I think I recall from your post about collecting that you are getting mental health care? That’s good, because anybody who has survived as many trainwrecks as you have, is bound to need medical attention afterwards.

      I don’t have much to offer, except I wonder if you read much fiction?

      It sounds like your detachment from feelings is bothering you, but approaching them directly is too much to contemplate. And no surprise, right? It makes perfect sense.

      One of the great pieces of advice that’s come out recently for parents is that reading fiction helps kids learn to deal with their emotions and develop empathy in a safe, gradual way. Because you can always put the book down whenever you want.

      So that might be something enjoyable to add to your life – books or audiobooks, any genre you like, that take you into somebody else’s life, in a less intense way. For practice. And it enriches your inner world.

      1. Another Manic Monday*

        Thank you for your comments.

        I used to be an avid reader of fiction in my youth. I was basically living in the library and reading 200+ pages a day and dreamed about becoming a librarian. Today, I have significant struggles reading a book. I just can’t keep my attention for more than a few pages and I end up having to reread the same page several times to get the progression of the story line. It currently takes me about a year to get through a single book. I have thought about getting audio-books instead, but the extra cost associated with them have dissuaded me so far.

        1. Pharmgirl*

          I believe you can check out audio books at your local library (mine does it through Overdrive). Maybe that can be an option?

          1. Lilysparrow*

            Overdrive, Libby, and Hoopla are all services that different library systems offer. Or you can try the “old fashioned” way and check out CD’s.

            Some libraries also check out pre-loaded ebook players, if you don’t have a smartphone to stream.

    14. JediSquirrel*

      I’m going to second everyone here who recommends therapy. Two thoughts:

      First, therapy can be really difficult at first. It does get easier, or at least, less difficult, with time. Stick with it. Therapy is a marathon, not a sprint.

      Second, not all therapists are the same. It may take some time to find a therapist you can work well with.

      You are an incredibly brave person. You can so this.

    15. Jaid*

      I’m sorry I have nothing to offer you but a virtual hug. It breaks my heart to know how sad you are. I agree that you need a safe space to vent your feelings and someone to practice talking to. Therapy would be best.

    16. Batgirl*

      What your post tells me is that you are incredibly resilient. You can use that to find happiness, the same way you used it for survival.

  7. Gir*

    I am going to be in the Columbus area for about 18hrs next week. I’m driving in on Tuesday (probably arrive between 8pm and 10pm depending on when I leave). I’ll actually be in Westerville/Polaris area of town.

    Any recommendations for late night eats in that area? I like to eat a light snack before I leave, then eat a late dinner wherever I end up at.

    I’m also going to be in Grand Rapids, MI the first weekend of June. Any suggestions for there would also be greatly appreciated (except The Beltline Bar… I’m not a burrito person, wet or otherwise).

    1. Lady Jay*

      I was just in Columbus & really enjoyed Brassica–like Chipotle, but for Mediterranean food. I think it closed at 9?

    2. Reba*

      I don’t know about late, but I have gotten really, really good Indian food in the Columbus area several times.

    3. TurtleIScream*

      I am still trying to process the whole “not a burrito person” :) Beltline Bar’s Tex-Mex Bean Dip is only the best food ever created.

      Festival of the Arts is June 7-9; there will be lots of food tents and trucks downtown GR to check out.

      Other good places – Uccello’s (pizza/Italian), Herb & Fire (pizza), HopCat (American pub), Sheshco (Mediterranean), Kitchen 67 (American), Gravity (Taphouse), Slows BBQ. I’m sure there are many I’m missing, but I am not much of a restaurant explorer at home.

    4. Stanley Nickels*

      101 Beer Kitchen has a location in Westerville open until 10 on Tuesdays. I’ve had great food every time I’ve been there and it’s a nice setting with friendly servers. Enjoy your time in the area!

    5. cat socks*

      There’s a large mall at Polaris with lots of food options in the area. Starbucks, Steak and Shake and Waffle House are open 24/7.

      BJ’s Brewhouse has an extensive menu and is open until 11. Matt the Millers and 101 Beer Kitchen are good too.

      There are also chains like Cheesecake Factory, Red Lobster and Olive Garden.

      There’s also fast food like Wendy’s, McDonald’s and Sonic. I think Jason’s Deli is open until 10. There’s also a Panera bread, but they might close at 9.

      That’s just a few options. If you drive up and down Polaris Parkway you’ll see lots of other places too.

      1. cat socks*

        Sorry, I don’t think Starbucks is open 247 but Steak and Shake and Waffle House are.

    6. Zips*

      Marcella’s is one of my all time favorite restaurants. They have a location on Polaris Parkway. Their Calamari starter is out of this world! My top choices for dinner would be the Spaghetti and Meatball or the Spaghetti Alla Carbonara (really you can’t go wrong. everything is delicious!)

      1. San Juan Worm*

        Western Michigan has an amazing craft beer scene, if that’s your thing (Bell’s, Founder’s, New Holland, Dark Horse). In Grand Rapids, my favorite restaurant is the Electric Cheetah, which has an interesting food menu and 50 selections of root beer. Be sure to check out the Lake Michigan sand dunes.

      2. Cherry Sours*

        I ha never been to Marcella’s, but it’s owned by Gary Callicote, who owns nothing but awesome restaurants, like The Rusty Bucket in the Clintonville area. Sounds to me like it’s a go. ;)

  8. coffee cup*

    I am running a 5k today, but last night I got my period and I have my usual pain and discomfort. My body couldn’t have timed it worse! I’ve paid for it and I’m going with friends, so I have to see it through, but I’d never usually run when I feel like this. I can’t say it’ll be the great effort I’d hoped. I’m just glad I didn’t sign up for the 10k… that would not be happening!

    1. Ethyl*

      Ugh bodies. It never fails that I get my period at the absolute worst times. Could you take an iron pill or eat some red meat beforehand? Idk what your pre-run regimen is, and you’re not “supposed” to self-treat suspected anemia, but I’ve been anemic and I feel similar when I’m on heavy flow days so I usually go ahead and take some iron for those days. Take it with food and get the SlowFe brand if you go that route.

    2. Beaded Librarian*

      Definitely do it your body might surprise you! Apparently for many (not all) women they have some of their best performances the days of their period and a day or two after. Something to do with hormones.

      1. coffee cup*

        Ha, weirdly, I did! I was the fastest of my small group of friends and did my best time of 32 mins (not fast compared with some, but fast for me). So maybe there’s some truth in it!

    3. LGC*

      …well, that’s really inconvenient! (Understatement of the century.)

      No advice for dealing with your period, but for the race…it’s definitely okay to adjust your plans! If you’re one of the faster people in your group, run with your slower friends. If you’re not, then…hey, as long as you still finish you’re good. Good luck and hopefully things go well enough!

    4. Grace*

      There’s an interesting BBC article of female athletes (including runners) discussing the impact of menstrual cycles on sport and why they track them – maybe check it out? Their findings suggest that the raised oestrogen increases the chance of soft-tissue injury, so maybe take it a bit slower than you would do otherwise.

      https://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/48243310

    5. I Work on a Hellmouth*

      Oooooh, I have had this happen to me. It is the worst. Sometimes really dark chocolate with chili peppers seems to help me? But not always.

    6. coffee cup*

      Turns out I managed 32 mins (that’s fast for me!) and actually felt good during the race. Really pleased with what I did but very glad to now be on the sofa! I think it’s catching up with me…

      2. Emily*

        Congrats!

        Periods are weird – sometimes I’ll feel really gross and sluggish (and it’ll carry over into exercising), but other times I’ll feel fine while doing the activity and only yucky before and/or after.

  10. PX*

    Good morning! Despite having to travel this weekend and therefore wanting to take it easy, I am determined to clean all the things today! Mainly because some bedroom furniture arrived earlier than expected.

    On the one hand – yay; I finally get to deal with the annoyance of not having enough storage and my room might actually feel tidy for longer than a week.

    On the other hand – I need to make space for it and clean. Which I’ve been putting off for the last couple of weeks….. so now I no longer get to procrastinate. The cleaning also needs to happen for the sake of my brain which will also appreciate the mental space of not having this hang over me anymore!

    What long overdue chores are you tackling this weekend?

    1. MatKnifeNinja*

      My bedroom. Purging books, clothes, and some keepsakes (yearbooks) that don’t mean much to me anymore.

      I wish I could just scorch Earth it. So much easier!

      Good luck!

      2. Nynaeve*

        I also have to mop the kitchen floor and hang a picture! Spooky! But if you can do it, so can I.

        Off to get started…

    3. VlookupsAreMyLife*

      Cleaning the exhaust fans & bleaching/re-caulking the shower seams in the bathrooms. SO gross, but I’m pretty sure it’s part of what’s making us all sick.

    4. Trixie*

      Almost identical plans for weekend. Some reorganizing, making donations, clean floors. Then look at remaining large items one by one and decide if I need or can let go. For example, I inherited two arbors which were placed near windows for cats to enjoy while looking at outside. Current cat doesn’t tend to do this plus the large pieces block the little sunlight I get. So those are two large pieces I know are going curbside.
      Big project is renting (?) small steam cleaner for $20 sitting chair I picked up a few weeks. Overall in good condition but needs a cleaning.
      I know what you mean about reclaiming mental space. When I look back at old To Do Lists, I see the same things multiple times. That’s when I know it is time/opportunity to get this done.

    5. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      I really need to vacuum the pool. I’ve been putting it off because it’s much easier with a second person to help, but I haven’t yet found a sucker to be my second person this pool season and the pool is apparently not going to magically clean itself.

    6. Elizabeth West*

      I think that I will begin actually packing as if I’m going to move.

      I feel like this is the only way I can get rid of some of the crap I’ve been vacillating about. I’ve already started purging books. The library always takes them for book sales and they let me unload on a cart so I can keep my boxes. I’m trying to empty at least one entire bookcase completely, but it’s slow going. Surprisingly, I’ve let go of quite a few. Since I have tons of non-fiction stuff, one criteria really helps: if I can find the info on the internet, the book goes.

      I’m operating under the assumption that a new place will be smaller than this house (which is already tiny, at 780 square feet). That’s smaller than some 2-bedroom apartments. If I end up in a bigger space, I’ll have less stuff and can spread out a little. If I know what I want to take with me, I can get rid of the rest. Plus I’m not likely to have a yard any more if I move. I can have a huge garage sale at the last minute and dump that stuff.

      It will save me a ton of time. I can just slam it into a truck and go. It’s sort of like Swedish death cleaning but I call it escape cleaning. :)

    7. LizB*

      If all goes to plan, I’ll be getting my kitchen knives sharpened tomorrow, which is looooooong overdue. It’ll be so nice to have sharp ones again!

      Potentially doing a bunch of decluttering of our computer room, but that’ll depend a lot on energy levels tomorrow afternoon.

    8. PX*

      Reporting back that I did…most of what I wanted…but also bit off more than I could chew. But still, cleaned my room, did some tidying, rearranged and put stuff in the new storage -yay!

      But it appears I have more things than I thought so need to work on donating a bunch of things. I also struggle with wanting to do ALL the things once I start cleaning so need to accept that one day was not enough time for all the stuff I wanted to do.

      Which is a long way of saying I achieved about 65% of my goal but more importantly – mental space cleared!

      1. VlookupsAreMyLife*

        Congrats!! I’m also a “let’s do ALL the things TODAY” cleaner. I have to remind myself that 65% of ALL THE THINGS is so much better than my usual metric of 100% of none of the things.

    9. Sleepless*

      Destroying a bunch of financial records from my husband’s office and organizing the ones we have to keep.

    11. CB*

      I’ve been making great progress on my health and fitness goals and have gained ~35lbs. Understandably, a good number of my clothes don’t fit anymore but I’ve had trouble getting rid of them. I took this weekend to do a full spring cleanout – including trying on every item of clothing I have and donating everything that didn’t fit. My closet is so happy!

  11. Spoilers for Big Bang Theory Finale*

    Probably a silly thing to get annoyed about, but I was really disappointed they went down the ‘surprise-pregnancy-makes-woman-realise-she-wants-children’ route with Penny. I know that happens to a lot of people, and that people who were on the fence just fall on either side depending on circumstances. And I know the writers/producers etc. want to hark back to the first episode (‘our children will be smart /and/ beautiful’), so maybe it was inevitable.

    But I feel like the whole plot about her /not/ wanting kids is so contrived and seemed to come out of nowhere. Even if they just wanted her to be ambivalent that would’ve been fine. Instead, once again the idea that all women – no matter what they say – really, actually, DO want children. She just needs to get pregnant/have a baby to realise that!

    Sigh. Yeah, it’s just a sitcom so of course they’d go with a fluffy ending. Would’ve been a nice change though.

    1. londonedit*

      Ugh, I’m not a fan of the show but that would have annoyed me too! It seems like every single TV programme/book/whatever that features a heterosexual relationship has to end with them getting married and having babies. I get so disappointed when a character who says they don’t want to have children ends up with a surprise pregnancy and then it’s oh! Of course she always wanted a baby all along, she just didn’t know it! It feeds into the ‘You’ll change your mind one day’ rubbish that childfree people (mainly women) have to put up with. I really don’t feel like there’s enough representation of people living happy and fulfilled lives without kids. I even wish real-life house-buying programmes like (in the UK) Location Location Location would feature more couples who don’t want or have kids.

      1. LaDeeDa*

        I was annoyed by this, she has spent the entire series saying she doesn’t want kids. THIS is part of why people think we will change our minds.

    2. Formerly Known As*

      I was extremely annoyed by the finale and especially because this wasn’t the first time they pulled that stunt. Bernadette had told Howard years ago (before they got married, I think) that she didn’t want kids and then bam–she had 2 kids back-to-back. Why couldn’t they have let Penny and Leonard live as a happily childfree couple? I feel like they ruined the characters all in the name of wrapping everything up in a bow.

      Slightly different topic–we’re supposed to believe that Sheldon and Amy flew all their friends to the Nobel ceremony, but not one family member was there? Not even Sheldon’s mom or mee-maw? That bugged me. I only watched the episode once, so I don’t remember if they addressed this in the show.

      1. Lc*

        I think Bernadette wasn’t so much “didn’t want to have kids” but rather didn’t want to be a stay at home parent. Of course they went back on that one as well.

        1. Oldster*

          She works. They have had scenes of her and Penny armor work. You have to remember this isn’t about the workplace.

          1. Falling Diphthong*

            My memory was that she didn’t want to be point on childrearing. But Howard, who doesn’t even have a PhD, could do that.

      2. That Girl From Quinn's House*

        The second kid was because Melissa Rauch was pregnant IRL and the decided to write it into the show, rather than spend half a season hiding Bernadette behind tote bags and props.

    3. Venus*

      The show used to be about goofy nerds, and it celebrated that nerdiness. Then it became popular, and it shifted to mocking nerds (society’s tendency) and focusing on relationships.

      I gave up when they announced the first baby. I had been watching it only occasionally at that point, but that decision killed it for me. Bernadette had been adamantly against having children. The female characters had become awful (I can’t remember her name, but I liked Leonard’s earlier gf and their arguments about string theory). I’m not a fan of the male-dominated nerd sitcoms but they are better than the nerd sitcoms where the women only talk about the men…

      1. Formerly Known As*

        Bernadette and the Wolowitz kids (even though we never saw the kids until the finale) made the show jump the shark for me. That said, I kept watching. But reruns? I stick with the early seasons.

    4. WellRed*

      Hah! I just finished a British detective show that ended with DS so and so “keeping the baby.”

    5. A D Collins*

      I was disappointed in this, too. And, yes, I know birth control isn’t 100% effective, all the show’s pregnancies – among a group of scientists, no less – were accidental.

    6. Blarg*

      Yup. I mean they had that whole ludicrousness with Zach wanting Leonard to be a sperm donor earlier this season and the conflict was Leonard wanting to spawn and Penny being utterly opposed. It seemed like a betrayal of Penny. The one thing she’d always been sure of… she gave up her acting career, married Leonard (who, honestly, she has nothing in common with), and they saddled her with the baby she always *always* knew she didn’t want. And yes, Bernadette was the same thing although she was more open to Howard staying home with the kids (or, eventually, Stuart…).

    7. kittymommy*

      Yeah, it pissed me off too. Granted I still like the show and I did enjoy the last episode for the most part Penny being suddenly pregnant and happy about it (especially when couple with the change with Bernadette and the kids)….why?? What was the point? Why can’t Penny and Leonard’s happy-ever-after be them being the fun uncle and aunt to everyone’s kids and very content being childless? Why is that so horrible?

      I also don’t understand the whole Raj/Sarah Michelle Gellar ending. WTF? The poor guy, probably more than any of them just wanted to be married. Nope, can’t have that.

    8. JSB*

      I realize weekend is over, but only just now got a chance to read the column. I wasn’t thrilled with the BB ending but mostly because I felt 1) they should have included some beloved secondary characters like the various parents, 2) they left Raj out of the equation almost entirely in terms of a happy ending for him (meeting “Buffy” aside), 3) virtually no wrap up for Stewart. Also, I would have liked to see some professional “win” for Leonard – not to compete with the Nobel Prize, but something.

      Penney’s pregnancy was fine for me as I found it entirely representative of real life. My kids have finished college, so I’m looking back on all this but I can only think of ONE female friend who steadfastly claimed to not want children and then followed that path intentionally. Many of us, myself included, expressed at some stage that we didn’t want kids, didn’t want kids YET, probably didn’t want kids – and then later changed course. Some looked at having children as a natural phase of life, some stumbled into, some didn’t really have plans but OOPS, and a few – sadly – wanted children but that didn’t happen for them for one reason or another.

      I definitely feel this is a personal choice and support a person’s right to do just that. But I also support the right for anyone to change their mind, which is what I’ve seen far more often than not. Penney’s accidental pregnancy and subsequent acceptance and joy seemed very normal.

  12. Relax*

    How do you feel about clutter?
    Since moving out of home around a decade ago, I’ve mostly lived in small apartments (in big cities where rent is insane for anything larger than a shoebox) so have tried to go minimalist as much as possible. Sometimes I think it’d be nice to have shelves full of little tchotchkes, lots of cushions/throws etc. to add to the coziness factor.
    Last weekend I was at someone’s home out in the suburbs, and their house was like an extreme version of that – just full of stuff. It was all organised and not like they were hoarding or anything, and in theory should’ve been the type I’d like, but I found myself feeling overwhelmed and closed in. Also the thought of having to clean/dust so much made me tired.
    So I’m not sure whether I’m just used to being minimalist now, or if I just like the idea of ‘clutter’ but not actually be around it.

    1. Koala dreams*

      I’m the opposite! I like the idea of minimalism but in reality I prefer my home with a lof of things laying around, decorations in front of the TV and full book shelfes. Minimalist blogs can be a great inspiration when I need to do some de-cluttering to make things more functional, but the thought of really getting rid of all the stuff makes me sad.

      That being said, all clutter is not equal. Just because you have cushions and a blanket in your sofa, doesn’t mean you need to surround your tv with lots of decorations. You also doesn’t need to go find the most bright and colourful cushions and blankets, maybe you rather get a cushion and blanket in the same colour as the sofa so they are cozy and fits the minimalist style.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Same! Seven years ago (I pulled out 7 years ago today on the nose, in fact) I had pared down enough that I moved out of Seattle in a Smart car to return to the midwest. I … now have enough Stuff to fill a 4 bedroom house. I occasionally look around and go “Good grief, where did all this nonsense come from,” but I like my little doodads and nicknacks and whatnots, and not having stuff didn’t make me happier, so I just roll with it. :)

      2. Falling Diphthong*

        I have cushions on my couch because I use them behind my back, being short.

        My bed has 3 pillows–mine, my husband’s, and a bonus pillow one or the other of us can use to prop ourselves up higher. I have never grasped the piles of pillows on the bed that you move to the floor before sleep thing.

    2. rider on the storm*

      I think there is a compromise between ALL THE STUFF and no stuff at all. I have a friend who sounds similar to the example you give – when I go to visit, I feel overwhelmed with the stuff. In my own place, I do have stuff – candles, books, ornaments but grouped together in certain places.
      I’ve also moved several times over the last few years; my friend hasn’t.

    3. Square Root Of Minus One*

      I’ve moved to an expensive city and had to deal with shrinking space as well.
      That has made me very weary (and wary) about clutter. I need breathing space, and seriously I just can’t take it anymore with things invading my living space. It annoys me to no end. Having to push them around to sit at the dinner table, at my desk, having to dust them all the time when they’re in the open… Ugh.
      I have in my life a long-distance ex-boyfriend/friend/occasional FWB (yes, all of that). He wants us to rekindle a real thing and one of the things stopping me (one: some of you might remember me posting about another here two weeks ago…) is his hoarding. When we lived together I kept the house under control but since I left, it’s been back to square one.
      Going to his place last time was anguish-inducing. Things piling on the floor, on the table, reducing the floor surface by a half, lost of dust around because of that. There were tires near the bed in his bedroom. This place will be impossible to clean for real unless it’s decluttered. Most things break for lack of maintenance, which is a financial disaster.
      I’m too lazy to deal with this, honestly. I’d rather not have things than have to maintain them.

      1. Square Root Of Minus One*

        Reading the other comments I feel I need to be clearer : I’m open to having things, I have loads of books and kitchenware for instance, but they must have a proper place in my house (shelves, cupboards, drawers) where they’re organised and not (or at most mildly) exposed to dust and dirt.
        And not everywhere in sight.
        Other than that… I’d rather not.

      2. Tired room-mate*

        I feel very cynical writing this, but I do wonder if my partner wants to live with me because I force things to be more clean.

        He does a lot of cooking, and he does clean, so he’s far from lazy. But I have lived on my own for many years and now find that I do a lot more cleaning with him around (we’ve had to share for a few years) and I am tired. But when I even suggest him living elsewhere for a time he gets very defensive. He complains that he does a lot of cleaning, and I agree he does a lot more than he used to but it’s *because I can’t live like that, so he has to do more work than before*. And he’s convinced himself that we were both messy when we lived alone so it’s equal, right? Yet I would have a few things laying around while his place… I think of it this way: I grew up surrounded by hoarders so I always aim to be able to clean up my place within a few minutes if someone comes over, whereas his place would take hours and hours. I’m not perfect with my tidiness but it’s worse with both of us living together because I have less time to clean up after myself.

        I will have the chat with him as we now have an opportunity for a different living situation and we need to pursue it. (I’m not looking for suggestions or advice on any of this – please). But when I read j’s comment I felt empathy. It was a reminder that it does frustrate me that he might be reluctant to change because he doesn’t remember how much of a mess he was in before we moved in together, yet knows that he’s better off now and doesn’t want to lose that.

        1. Square Root Of Minus One*

          Thanks for the empathy, I appreciate it. It’s so difficult to be with someone with different standard, for both people.
          He would do things too, mostly cook and dishes… but furniture-dusting, sink-cleaning, kitchen-surface washing, if I didn’t do it, it wasn’t done on a regular basis. Even with deep-cleaning from time to time (guess who initiated every time and did 90%), meanwhile, it’s hard to feel clean in an unclean bathroom, or to cook in an unclean kitchen. So he worked more, admittedly, but… I was still the one taking the mental load and busting my a**.
          I wish you luck with your chat.

      3. Falling Diphthong*

        My husband travels to Asia a lot on business and they will often give him tchotchkes. Olympic bears, little enamel boxes. Individually they are nice objects, and if I’d picked them out as a memento of my tourist visit I’d like them, but my home already has tchothkes that hold some emotional memory for me, and adding these is just clutter.

    4. Washi*

      Someone gave us the nicest compliment the other day – he said that he felt like our apartment was full of conversation pieces. I think/hope that what he was picking up on is that we do have stuff out, but only stuff that is really special to us and that makes us happy to look at it every day.

      One of my favorite parts of Mari Kondo’s book is the “click” she describes when you have just the right amount of stuff. I’ve found that’s really true, and that being in a space where I love everything in it makes me very happy, and also disinclined to go out and buy more stuff. I don’t think of it as minimalism vs. clutter, but just what the “right” amount of possessions is for us.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        My favorite AirBnBs are like that–there’s art, pillows, blankets, books. But not a ton of it. (Sometimes these are second homes, or intended retirement homes.)

        1. Elephant in the room*

          I just stayed at a place where there were so many decorator items that there was no room for my bag and toiletries let alone me. Seriously, I had to remove 5 candles/statues/pictures from the vanity, 9 pillows and layers of bedding from the bed, and left my suitcase up on the other half of the bed because there was no room on the floor or dresser. I like having things to look at, but one also needs room to occupy…

          1. ShortT*

            I recently visited someone who couldn’t/didn’t offer anyone a place to sit because the couch and settee were covered in crap, such as old receipts and empty paper bags. WTF? Why have people over if there won’t be a place for them?

    5. MatKnifeNinja*

      I’m 54, and decluttering like there’s no tomorrow.

      I grew up when people bought crap to collect. You see estate sales now with Hummels (which were supposed to be an decent thing to collect), Beanie Babies, heck even higher end jewelry. No one wants this stuff.

      My Salvation Army is getting picky. They wouldn’t take my friends excellent condition china buffet. Those just sit and burn up floor space.

      I think there is a difference between a well thought out space where you put candles, or a throw cushion, and my friend’s place that is crammed with stuff he never uses.

      I think my clutter hate comes from going through my parents home, and filling a roll off dumpster full of stuff. I don’t have money for a house keeper to keep up with the dusting/vacuuming of little knick knacks. If I have stuff, I have to maintain it. Don’t have the energy or time.

      I think the “sparks joy” view point is a little much for me. I look at things now more, “Why is it here?”. A good 8/10, after I ask that question, it’s going.

      British castles with paintings, and antiques everywhere is nightmare fuel for me. Lol.

    6. Falling Diphthong*

      My parents have a lot of clutter, and I am allergic to it. Though in my grandmother’s very full (decades of collecting) but clean and orderly house it didn’t bother me at all–not what I would choose for myself, but something that could feel comfortable. It’s the piles of clutter that make me want to flee.

      Even books, which I love. My husband’s siblings are much older and have opposite approaches–one has tons of clutter, including books; the other dislikes “books as wallpaper” and hands off books after he reads them. After a few decades for these styles to work on their habitats… definitely down with the latter. My husband has described his brother’s and my approach to clearing out as “burn everything, then buy new things that fit” which is not accurate in practice but captures the spirit… if you asked us what we’d ideally like to do with a space with no constraints from spouse, cost, feeling wasteful, etc, that would be it. We are not the person to ask “But shouldn’t we save this thing we haven’t used in two years in case we do want it one day?” because we take that as rhetorical the opposite from how you meant it.

    7. ThatGirl*

      I tend to be a little cluttered but I’m trying really hard to curb that. My mom remarried a guy who collects all kinds of crap and their little townhome is so cluttered. I like my house to have personality but I don’t want it to look like that.

    8. Aphrodite*

      I used to have a decluttering/organization business back in the 90s and did fairly well. But it burnt me out quickly. I found I only rarely had the kind of client one can help–someone who is emotionally as well as physically willing to get serious about cleaning out. It seemed that most of the time the clients didn’t really want to do it. Well, they said they did, they may have believed they did, but they didn’t. It usually took the form of a variation of “not now” or “later” about any decision. I recall one client who, among other things, received catalogs from a clothing company on a near-weekly basis. And kept all of them even though the products rarely changed (the covers did). I just couldn’t take it after a few years because it was so exhausting. So I stopped.

      My own home is what I describe at “just right” (like the porridge Goldilocks ate). But it leans toward the minimalism of the spectrum. I love having enough furniture to sit and chat but not one piece more. I like having small decorative/personal items around but the shelving unit I have still has plenty of white space. I seriously downsized my library over the last several years and now I have 119 books as opposed to 2,500. (As I read them they are donated though I do keep favorite.) I do have autumn and Christmas decorations since I adore decorating the house during the last three months of the year.

      I rarely go shopping for things but if I am out and about and see something I love (rule #1) I ask myself if I am willing to spend space on it, whether it is to display or display/store it (rule #2). And I think now that I’ve written that, that I see that “spending space” on it is probably even bigger than spending money.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        This is fascinating, thanks.

        A big reason I am able to help my mom in clearing out her clutter is that I mostly don’t ask. She’s in another room and a high proportion of stuff I just dump without asking if she thinks maybe she might find a use for it someday. This is exemplified by the plastic-wrapped spork we found several layers down in the bedroom, which she wanted to move to the kitchen because what if she wanted a pre-wrapped spork someday and remembered this one and where she put it? I threw it in the trash bag as soon as her back was turned.

    9. Elizabeth West*

      I’ve been the opposite but slowly am transitioning to having less clutter. My mum’s house is like the one you described. There isn’t an ounce of space that isn’t curated and decorated somehow, but it’s neat as a pin and looks like a magazine spread. It IS overwhelming!

      I like a few things around. I like to have things on the walls to look at, art and pictures. Part of the problem with my house is that it lacks storage, so things end up crammed on shelves, which take up more space and make the rooms look packed.

    10. MagicEyes*

      I’ve recently discovered that I like having a shelf (or two) full of fun and interesting little objects. I don’t like clutter, but right now I’m living in an apartment that doesn’t have much storage space, and I have too many hobbies and a cookbook addiction that’s out of control. I don’t know how people live in houses that are crammed full of decorative things.

      I don’t have much artwork, and I would like to have the kind of house where I would have a place to put a few art pieces.

    11. HeyNonny*

      I’ve found that there’s a difference between my own clutter and other peoples clutter. I like mine, don’t like others. I think it’s some kind of territorial thing.

    12. ShortT*

      In my personal space? I detest clutter. In anyone else’s? IDGAF, unless its at the point ate which it’s dangerous, such as entry or exit being hindered, or there’s a fire hazard, so that, in case of an emergency, the risk of injury is multiplied.

    13. Seeking Second Childhood*

      There’s a scene in Connie Willis’ “To Say Nothing of the Dog” where a time traveller winds up in the parlor of a Victorian country house. The setting is acurate …and to me hilarious.

  13. A.N. O'Nyme*

    Writing thread! How’s everyone’s writing going?
    I haven’t had much time this week, we were doing the last rehearsals for our play. Thursday was sold out (!!!!!) and went really well, tonight we’re doing it for the second time.

    1. Laura H.*

      Break legs. :)

      Little progress on my end but a little progress is still progress.

    2. Troutwaxer*

      I’m letting an 11,000 word novella sit for another week or two before I do a reread and contemplating major surgery to a novel that doesn’t quite work right. I’d be happy to trade beta-reads of the novella to someone who knows science-fiction really well.

    3. bibliovore*

      Met with the book designer, yesterday. A few formatting changes, finding some better photos, and two chapter revisions. The end is in sight!

    4. Elizabeth West*

      Mentally stewing right now. I feel the need to work on a new project but I’m not sure just what yet.

      The software company that makes my writing program pushed out an upgrade, and it updated my project and ate my entire conlang document, which had me panicking until I remembered that IT MAKES BACKUPS. Found it, whew.

  14. chip*

    Now that the show is over can people please stop using GoT character names in their stories?

    1. LGC*

      To be honest, I kind of liked it. I was imagining Sansa Stark hate writing thousands of letters to Alison about how her sister is SO ANNOYING.

      (Also, “Cersei” turning into the female version of “Fergus” was great, too.)

      That said, I can see your point since SO MANY LWs and commenters did it. It’s like the teapots thing – it sometimes comes off more as a way to signal you’re an AAM reader than a way to hide identities.

      1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

        The teapots thing is too intense IMHO. Most jobs are common enough that listing your real job is not going to be identifying information. If the job doesn’t matter then it doesn’t matter but all the advice asking about “teapot handle specialist.” Maybe people would get better advice on open threads if anyone had any idea what real job they were talking about.

        Eg, “how do I job search for a teapot position in California from Maine?” I have no clue because this might be industry dependent and teapot positions don’t actually exist?

        1. WellRed*

          I actually got confused recently in the open thread. It was a longish comment that used the llama metaphor to death. A+ for creativity, though.

        2. Courageous cat*

          Agreed. It seems bizarre to me to not get even in the neighborhood of what you do unless it’s insanely, unusually specific.

        3. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

          I think part of the point is to keep that letter from appearing in industry-specific Google searches. It’s easier to follow than someone who says something like “I work in Job A and I have a co-worker with Related Job B, and another co-worker with Job C, and our problem is that someone in another department, let’s call them Department D, keeps telling the person with Job C to…” since it gives you a visual, even an incorrect one, to keep the players in place rather than a bunch of letters or numbers. I know there are not many people with my particular job, so I try to expose only the bits of it most needed for whatever I’ve talking about at that moment, since I don’t want someone else in my field to be searching for solutions to a field-specific problem, find my comments about it, and then find my comments more generally. This is particularly true if the searcher is the co-worker I am having a difficultly wish!

          As a non-GoT-watcher, I am getting tired of the names, though, because it seems like sometimes people are using the specifics of the naming scheme to also imply related information not stated, and I’m not going to be able to follow that implied information.

          1. Goose*

            YES to your last point. I didn’t even bother to read questions that used Sansa or John or Aria whoever because I wouldn’t know if Sansa was a good or bad person in the question.

        4. Patty Mayonnaise*

          I thought part of the teapot thing was also to make something technical and specific to the industry easier for laymen to understand. Sometimes letters say something like “we change the teapot handles from red to blue” and I assume that means they are putting data into a different database or switching coding systems or fixing mechanical problems or whatever.

        5. tamarack and fireweed*

          I like the teapots thing. It forces the letter/answer writer into a tiny abstraction away from the specifics of the situation.

          I also have no issue with GoT names, even though I didn’t follow the show.

    2. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      I kind of agree. “Bran” is a food, not a person’s name. But I think it’s something we’re just going to have to roll our eyes at.

      1. Bagpuss*

        Actually, Bran is a Welsh name with a very long history!
        Bran the Blessed appears in the Mabinogion.

        1. AL*

          Yes! And it’s not short for Brandon, as I’ve seen some people ‘expanding’ the name. It’s a name of its own.

          I don’t know how it was pronounced in GOT, but it should be with a long ‘a’.

        1. MMB*

          I think the Grey King might have been my favorite book in that series, but DIR got me hooked :).

    3. Formerly Known As*

      I would love to see GoT character names stop being used as aliases here when people write about colleagues or whatever. I never watched the show, but I’m glad it’s over with.

    4. GoryDetails*

      I don’t mind the GoT names, but I do think it’s more fun when people switch up the themed naming – so many possibilities, from Alice in Wonderland to the Avengers to Wolf Hall. (Side note: the third volume in Mantel’s “Cromwell” series has been announced as coming out in 2020, hooray!) The latter would work well for many offices, what with it being full of political infighting, social and power-based maneuvering, and some very colorful characters…

      As for teapots, I admit to being VERY fond of both those and the llama-based business references, but I wouldn’t mind seeing some different euphemisms – and as Cheesesteak in Paradise pointed out, in many cases there’s no need for euphemisms at all.

      1. Mystery Bookworm*

        Agreed. I don’t have a problem with the GoT names, but I find it charming when letter writers put their own spin by picking names from other places. What with variety being the spice of life and all.

        1. Myrin*

          Yeah, I’ve never watched or read GoT/ASoIaF but I don’t mind the names – they’re just names, after all, and it honestly makes no difference to me whether a person in a letter is called “Cersei” or “Catherine” since I care about the actual scenario first and foremost. But oh yes, I agree with liking names from other places although honestly, I rarely get that mental “kick” because most of the times, I don’t recognise where they’re from! :(

        2. JediSquirrel*

          When I finally write in, it’s all going to be AtLA: “I was busy writing the waterbending reports when Sokka stole my stapler and wouldn’t give it back.”

          1. Elizabeth West*

            Hahahah that would be awesome. Let’s all do anime.

            “Dear Ask a Manager,

            I’m the owner of a large estate, and I’m having an issue with my ditzy maid Mey-Rin. She breaks things sometimes and it’s beginning to concern me. I put my butler, Sebastian, in charge of her, but he only takes orders directly from me and won’t use his initiative unless I say something. I’m busy with other concerns, and besides, I’m already paying him with my soul. How can I deal with this situation?”

          2. Jules the 3rd*

            Well, at least AtLA has enough women to work with! That is the point of GoT, it’s got more than 2 women in it. Even AtLA only gets more than 2 by including the murderous fire princess and her minions. Korra might work better for those.

            Do the thing!

      2. BerkeleyFarm*

        I will be looking for that book when it comes out. It will be bittersweet as I have grown fond of the old duffer and it will all come apart.

        With GoT over people might switch it up a bit for names, but it does have the benefit of “hello this is an alias” for most of the characters. “Thomas, Henry, Anne, Edward, Jane , Call Me Risley … wait, what?!?”

        Teapots are a vital industry and people do need to be able to fictionalize things.

    5. Troutwaxer*

      From now on I will use “Godzilla, Rodan, Mothra, Anguirus, Ghidorah, etc.

      “So today at work my two coworkers Godzilla and Mothra got into it over the Teapot reports, and my boss had to use an oxygen destroyer to restore order. Unfortunately, my only skillset is destroying Japanese cities, so I’m wondering if I could use those skills in a related field such as fighting off alien attacks, stopping the evil plans of mad scientists, or reversing Climate Change. Does anyone have experience transitioning into such fields directly, or would I have to go back to college first?

      1. Windchime*

        This is how many of the posts read to me, honestly. Fake names, fake scenarios, so much fake stuff that it’s hard to understand what’s being asked. It really doesn’t always have to be about llamas or teapots; sometimes we can just be BI Developers or Admin Assistants or Waste Water Treatment plant operators.

        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          You’d be surprised by how much teapot stuff I remove! My preference is actually to print letters without it; I think it’s confusing to new readers, and sometimes makes the letters harder to follow for old readers too. I take out most of it, and sometimes when I want to answer a letter that’s too full of teapots for me to edit it out accurately, I’ve asked the writer to submit a version without it. (And sometimes the details actually matter — I need to know more about the task you’ve been asked to do than just that it’s “teapot polishing” or whatever.)

          1. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

            Here here. No one responded to my original remark but the teapot stuff is needlessly complicated…

          2. AcademiaNut*

            Thank you!

            I find that things like themed names and fake professions work in very small doses, but quickly end up distracting from the question and the discussion about it.

            Also, I really appreciate the effort you put into keeping the comments section on topic and polite.

    6. Mimmy*

      My thoughts on this topic:

      I never watched GoT (my husband was an avid watcher though) but I never minded the names nor did I mind the teapot and llama euphemisms.

      I tended to use these pseudonyms myself because my current job, as well as my interests, are not very common. I guess I should be okay with naming my interests–it probably would yield better responses–however, I am not comfortable with identifying my actual job because my feelings about it aren’t entirely positive.

      I can see why some of the euphemisms can be tricky in understanding a reader’s situation. However, I think they’re fine for making names anonymous.

    7. Stanley Nickels*

      I kind of like it because it can give me an idea of who the person is (from the view of the writer), like when I see “Cersei”, I gather that they will be the villain in the scenario. That said, a few “Miranda Priestly”s, “Michael Scott”s, or even “Darth Vader”s thrown in would be equally appreciated.

      1. Courageous cat*

        True but on the other end, I think it’s good to have an objective view of the situation and NOT be given insight as to who the OP thinks the villain is. OP may very well be wrong.

      2. Observer*

        Which means that any reader who didn’t watch the show is missing an important piece of information. I don’t watch the show, and it’s only relatively recently that I discovered that Cersei is a major villain. But, I don’t know enough about her particular brand of villainy for it to be useful if someone is trying to convey relationships or behavior patterns.

        It’s not the end of the world, and I get enough out of the letters that I’m not complaining. But, while I really don’t care about the use of the names per se, I do prefer when they aren’t used to convey the character or scenario.

        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          They’re not being used to convey that much. Sometimes they seem to be random, and when they’re not they’re not conveying anything more than “person I don’t especially like,” which you’re going to figure out from the rest of the letter anyway.

          (I’m sick of the GoT names too, but they’re really not conveying anything you’d only get if you watch the show.)

    8. The Other Dawn*

      I don’t hate it, but I don’t love it either. It makes it confusing since I didn’t watch the show. Without Googling, I have no idea that Cersei is a villain.

  15. BeanCat*

    Good morning! I tried a Krav Maga class on Wednesday this week and WHOOF. I still hurt to move. I want to try to go again, but I could barely summon up the wherewithal for a run yesterday. I’ll try again when the studio opens again Monday.

    Oh! Related! I signed up for my first 5K in August! :) I’m really excited – any tips you can share for me for training, preparing, day of?

    1. PX*

      I started Krav Maga about a year ago and it’s great but there is absolutely a fitness/pain tolerance curve to get over! I think the first 6 months I was just like: I’ve hurt so many things and am bruised so many times and in so many places it’s unbelievable. But you do toughen up if you stick with it.

      Now I can walk off pretty much anything except for training 360 defences (which will never not be really bloody painful.)

      1. BeanCat*

        Thanks for the encouragement! I’m still in the free trial week but wanted to try again.

    2. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      I can’t comment on Krav Maga, but good luck with the 5K! Biggest piece of advice I have is to build your mileage gradually if you’ve never run before. Make sure you have the right pair of running shoes to avoid an injury. On the day of the race, get there early; it may take longer than you think to get there and/or park, and even if you don’t normally have a nervous bladder, you probably will on race day. Good luck!

      1. BeanCat*

        Thank you for all the advice!! I can currently run a 5K (I just do our one mile path a few times), but I want to really focus on a consistent speed for that day if possible.

        Oh dear, I have the worst nervous bladder so thank you for the heads up!!

    3. CatCat*

      For the 5k, make sure you have properly fitted running shoes that are broken in. I’d get them before you start training. Go to a running store and have them fit you. Proper shoes are critical. You may need inserts. The running store people fitting you should be able to tell you. Also, don’t wear cotton socks. Get synthetic material or wool running socks. They can be pricey, but you will not be sorry.

      For training, I like the “Zombies, run!” app. It’s a story-based running app and they even have a specific 5k training app. Apps are great for 5k training since they can give you the audio cues of what you should be doing and they’re structured.

      1. BeanCat*

        I have a single pair of moisture wicking socks and I really like them! I’ll try to find more. I also have to replace my current shoes; I’ve run them hard.

        I loved C25K! I hadn’t heard of Zombies, Run! before but it sounds fun!

        Thank you for all the advice!!

  16. Anonymity is my middle name*

    I’m going more anon than usual. I guess because I’m embarrassed although I shouldn’t be, I suppose. But there it is.

    So…I’m a middle aged woman with bladder problems and it looks like the solution will, in part, require me to self-catherize several times a day to urinate. I’ve been catherized before during surgeries and have been awake for the removal. And it hurt. A lot. So I’m really worried about self-cathering.

    Does anyone have any stories about self-cathering? I will take both bad news and good news about it. I just want to be mentally prepared in a couple of weeks when they tell me that this is, indeed, going to happen.

    1. MatKnifeNinja*

      Remember, there are a zillion different types and styles of catheters out there. Do not settle!

      I’ve never self categorize myself, but took care of patients that did. The was the one thing they told me is make sure you get a good medical supply place that has knowledgeable people.

    2. Anon for this*

      My brother self-catheterises multiple times per day and has done since he was a kid. It doesn’t hurt him. He uses disposable catheters that are pre-lubricated. I believe the ones you only use for a few seconds are quite different in feeling from the long term type you get for surgery. Don’t assume you will have a bad experience with the short term self use disposable ones just because you had a bad experience with the surgery ones.

      Good luck

    3. Wishing You Well*

      Self-catherization is not anywhere near as painful as surgical cath’ing. You might find it’s not painful at all, depending on your sensitivity. If you have a lot of pain down there, try a juvenile-sized catheter. Some catheter designs claim to be less painful. Insert only far enough to get urine flow and NO farther. If you touch the bladder wall, you could have more problems. Cath’ as needed; don’t hold your urine to the point of pain. Some health care plans require you to reuse catheters. If so, be diligent about washing them. Don’t hesitate to call your urologist for more advice or help.
      I’m sending you my very best wishes. You got this. It’s do-able.

    4. Courageous cat*

      I had a friend who had to for a shy bladder and it was nothing to her. No issue apparently.

    5. WS*

      My mother did this for about 14 years and she says it’s much, much easier to deal with than the larger surgical ones, even when you first start. After the first few weeks it was no big deal, and she said it made her life much better overall.

    6. Anonymity is my middle name*

      Thank you all! I am relieved to find out that it likely won’t be a big deal. That’s a load off my mind.

      Really, thank you.

  17. Washi*

    Plant lovers, please help me! Every spring I get occasional wafts of what to me smells like rotten banana farts – sweet and putrid at the same time. It’s been bothering me for years and no one else seems to smell it like I do. Finally I traced the smell to its source, this plant! https://imgur.com/a/MNrJTUe

    Can anyone help me identify it? My husband says that to him it just smells very strong but not disgusting.

      1. Washi*

        That could be it! None of the articles about it mention what is to me a truly pungent scent, but I do think I maybe have some sort of special reaction to it. (Part of why this plant intrigues me so much is that normally I have a very poor sense of smell, but I can smell this plant from much farther away than other people.)

        1. Ali G*

          We had an azalea in our yard that smelled like skunk spray. It took us the longest time to figure out why that one part of the yard stank. We ended up pulling it out because it smelled and was also in a spot that you had to walk by every time you came into the yard through the gate. Everyone who I told about the stink was surprised (as we were too) because you never hear about stinky azaleas. So, maybe you just have an oddity, or there is something in the soil chemistry that plant is reacting to.

        2. fposte*

          I hope Penguin will chime in, as I believe she’s something in the botanical line. But I’d be surprised if it was mahonia/Oregon grape holly–the flowers are very similar, but the leaves for mahonia are opposite and hollylike, whereas the leaves here are whorled and lanceolate. It’s a very distinctive leaf, in fact, so I’m pretty sure whatever it is doesn’t get grown around my area of the Midwest or I’d have seen it.

          If I solve this one later I’ll come back, as I’m really intrigued.

          1. Penguin*

            *amused* What gave away my botanical inclinations, fposte? Starting a weekly thread here for plant talk?

            So I’m going to second Cynara’s ID: Oregon grape holly, aka Berberis aquifolium aka Oregon-grape aka hollyleaved barberry.
            I don’t recognize the plant (but I’m a U.S. Northeasterner who’s lived in the Midwest, so that tracks) but a) the flowers said “barberry” to me, which is the right family and genus, and b) the photos Washi shared look VERY similar to the ones that turn up when I go looking for B. aquifolium.

            Washi, if your plant is in full or partial sun and seems to be fairly drought tolerant, and if you’re in Zone 5 of the Plant Hardiness Zones, that would also support it being Oregon Grape holly!

    2. Lilysparrow*

      I don’t recognize it, but can you add what climate zone or part of the world you’re in? That could help folks narrow it down.

    3. Competent Commenter*

      Betcha it’s female ginkgo trees. Google the Washington Post article “Mapping the Ginkgo Trees”.

      1. Washi*

        That was the first thing I thought of when I started smelling it, but it’s definitely not! Gingkos are trees, and this is very much a bush. Plus the leaves are completely different.

    4. Autumn Wind*

      Possibly Andromeda shrubs (Pieris japonica)? I think they’re also called lily of the valley bush. From what I’ve read, they can be quite pungent, and some people have a strong aversion to the scent.

      1. fposte*

        I think that’s closer–the leaves are whorled and lanceolate–but it’s still not right, as the flower form is different and the leaves don’t have the same spines.

    6. only acting normal*

      Certainly looks like a mahonia of some sort. A lot of articles on google about how wonderful they smell, but people say jasmine smells lovely too and to me it smells of open drains. Not all noses smell the same notes in a fragrance.

    7. jzreid*

      Maybe wintergreen barberry? I did find a mention of occasional unpleasant fragance online.

      1. Jenny F. Scientist*

        It is definitely this! I have one in my back yard and also I just spent 15 minutes googling pictures before I saw your comment. As a special bonus the leaves/spines sting! (I am not a fan.)

  18. Sparkly Librarian*

    Baby’s turning one month old today… and we still haven’t been able to tell people. Our adoption agency recommends “no big announcements” until paperwork for both birth parents is complete/approved by the court, and they consider the adoption “safe”. But that could be another month or more to file the last piece, even though the risk of a disruption is very very small. At this point I could be back from maternity leave before we can tell my coworkers why I’m out!

    I ordered birth announcements from Vistaprint (using professional photos because we did that at 2 weeks), and they arrived today. I REALLY want to send them out, and am contemplating overriding the agency’s recommendation (it’s not a rule). It’s really weird to have the routine of our lives radically changed, but not be able to tap into conventional support systems or share about it the way I’d normally do. We want to be proud! And happy! And let our community know that it finally happened for us!

    1. chi chan*

      Congratulations and best wishes for the future. Tap into online resources. Reddit, and any other forums for now. Once you get into routine time will probably fly and then you can send out announcements.

    2. rider on the storm*

      As I’m sure you know, the agency has seen it all before – they will have seen parents in your position do exactly what you want to do….and then it all goes wrong and there is no baby.

      Congratulations on the baby!

    3. Ella*

      If the baby, god forbid, went away, would it feel better or worse to have sent announcements?

      Maybe doing something lower key, like emailing close friends/even colleagues to say we have a baby, we’re excited, but it won’t be final until approx x date, so we’re cautiously excited? Or something?

      1. Sparkly Librarian*

        Well, the last time it happened, it sure sucked. And that was an email/FB post within 24 hours after that baby was home with us. I know how it can turn out poorly. I wish the agency had warned us then against telling everyone.

        This time around, I understood being cautious. I felt like waiting a week or two (5 business days, but 2 weekends in our case) for the first bit of irrevocable legal stuff was reasonable, even though it was hard to keep the news secret. If something had happened to disrupt the adoption at that point, I wouldn’t have wanted to have to walk back an announcement again. But now, a month in with a month or more to go? It’s starting to seem ridiculous. Not only could my wife and I use a little help navigating this transition, but if I were in my friends’ place I’d feel taken aback and maybe even hurt that such big news was kept a secret. Also, I’d like to be able to leave the house at some point. It’s all mixed up together. (Note that I posted at like 4AM. New baby time is weird.)

        1. Venus*

          My thought would be: who was your best supports last time this happened? Maybe tell them. You could use help now, and if the worst happens you will also need support. I suggest you ask those who are best able to support you.

        2. Ella*

          I totally hear you on weird baby time, lol. My girl is 8 months.

          Then I say you do you! You know the risks, but it would definitely be good to have the support, like people making meals for you and stuff.

          Congratulations on your new baby!

        3. PetticoatsandPincushions*

          It’s not the same, but when I found out I was pregnant, I told people strategically- we told our immediate family members at 7 weeks because it was Christmas and a great time to announce, but we let them know it was NOT public, and that with the pregnancy being so very early, we were aware that anything could still happen. I told my two closest friends a few days later with the same caveat, and then we did the public announcement about a month after, once we hit a ‘safer’ period. That way we got a solid support system and we got to have the thrill of celebration, but if anything bad had happened, the amount of explaining would be contained (and we would still have people to lean on and not feel like we were keeping some sort of horrible secret). For our family, it was the perfect strategy, although it does rely on a certain amount of trust in the locked lips of those you tell. Can you triage like that, by strategizing an extra special ‘private’ announcement now and following up with a more public one once everything is done?

          1. Sparkly Librarian*

            Yes, we had similar staging when we were starting our homestudy, when we got “the call” (just our parents and a catsitting friend), etc. Pregnancy having a limited term, and being so commonplace, lends itself to a well-known timeframe for releasing info.

            Although it’s an imperfect analogy, I’m seeing this situation more as when your baby was born and you knew they were healthy. Would you have wanted to keep the birth secret? Wouldn’t you have wanted to celebrate, to have some casseroles dropped off? Wouldn’t it feel weird to run across a friend in a grocery store, with your 6-week-old baby in your arms, and have that be the first time they knew you were expecting?

            1. PetticoatsandPincushions*

              That makes a lot of sense- the support you need in each stage is of a very different type! It seems like the choice you make seems to really depend on how ready you feel to ‘take it back’ as it were, should anything (blorg forbid) happen within the next month that changes the situation. I can well imagine looking at the risk/benefit list and deciding that feeling like I wasn’t keeping an actual human a secret was worth the relatively small risk of having to explain why that human was no longer there should anything awful happen. Either way you do it, waiting or not, seems like a perfectly valid decision. It’s just about your personal comfort level surrounding risk.

        4. Quandong*

          I suggest that you don’t give any weight to how your friends may feel that you kept this big news secret. You have excellent reasons to delay telling them about the new baby, and you’ve been instructed to delay.

          If people feel hurt that you didn’t tell them sooner, that’s not your responsibility.

    4. Lore*

      I have a friend who adopted twins earlier this year. They shared the news privately with a group of close friends and asked us not to spread the news until they gave the go-ahead, then waited to announce publicly, share pictures, etc, till all the legal stuff was final. I think it worked well for them!

      1. Sparkly Librarian*

        I can’t imagine not sharing publicly for the rest of the year! Finalization takes 6 months minimum in our state. I think the problem is that the people I will encounter most often — coworkers, customers, neighbors, etc. — aren’t in that circle of close friends.

        [I’m not just arguing that I should do what I want; I see strong cases on both sides of the question. Might just be working some of this out, out loud, because I have so little adult contact these days.]

    5. Sparkly Librarian*

      Thanks all for helping me work through this. I had a nap and then discussed with my wife and a private online adoption group. Came up with a couple of points to inform our decision.

      First, the enforced secrecy was causing a lot of emotional turmoil because it felt rooted in fear and shame. Our failed adoption a year ago looms large, but that was a different situation with different circumstances, and the risk of separation now is much much smaller. If I’d experienced pregnancy loss or infant loss, it would be normal to feel apprehensive with a new baby, but not healthy to refuse to announce her birth. This actual human being is a real part of our lives, and she deserves to be celebrated!

      Second, a lot of these feelings are similar to how I felt as a queer person getting married before the Supreme Court decision in 2013. On one hand, there are legal hoops to jump through in order to obtain many privileges accorded this relationship; on the other… Fuck that. The state doesn’t get to legitimize my family. We are not a second-class family because of how we are formed, and we need the support and acknowledgement of our community whatever our legal status is currently.

      All that to say that we pulled in a number of close friends and shared our news with them. We released the embargo with our family members in the know. On our adoption page we shared that we’re matched (but not that the baby is here already), and in a private group for adoptive families we shared her picture but not her name. I’m getting the acknowledgment and excitement that feels so much better than hiding. Someday soon we’ll send out those announcements.

      1. HAP*

        I’m so happy for you. We are in the waiting to be matched phase. We are working with a law firm to help us find a placement. Could you tell me a bit more about your process? I believe in my state the birth parents only have 72 hours to change their mind so I don’t think we will have to keep our hopeful eventual placement a secret for too long. I know finalization takes a lot longer but here, that appears to be more of a formality since the Birth Parents don’t have legal rights during that time anyway. It’s more to meet the follow up home study requirement.

        1. Sparkly Librarian*

          In our state there is a 30-day period where a birth mother can revoke the papers she signs to relinquish her parental rights. There is also a waiver she can sign to eliminate the 30-day period, so that her relinquishment becomes irrevocable at the end of the business day after her paperwork is filed. (But you do have to wait for the state to acknowledge filing, which takes 7-10 days usually. They like official stamps.)

          All of that has been done for our situation. The other part of the piece is birth father rights. An “alleged father” has the right to notification of the adoption if he can be found and served. He can sign that paper consenting to the adoption or waiving notice, or deny that he’s the father, in which case we proceed immediately with post-placement visits and moving toward legal finalization. He can ignore the notice until the 30-day period is up, and then we move forward. He could contest the adoption, but not only is that unlikely in our case, it’s extremely unlikely that a court would rule in his favor. Or, if he cannot be located, the attorney petitions the court to terminate the rights of any/all alleged fathers, which takes as long as it takes depending on how busy the court is (our attorney estimates 3 weeks in our county). We’re in the middle of that.

          Finalization will take 6 months and 4 post-placement visits, then however long it takes to get a court date, but there’s no reason to think that it won’t go through once rights of both birth parents are relinquished/terminated. We’re hoping to finalize by the end of this year.

          Good luck in your wait! Ours was about 3 years, and I did not like it one bit. I hope things go smoothly for you.

          1. The Rat-Catcher*

            I work for a child welfare agency. Please take with a grain of salt because I am probably not in your state, but have you thought about telling others that you’re fostering and are pursuing adoption? I know “fostering” may not strictly describe your situation, but it might be a term that helps manage the expectation from others, as most people are aware that fostering is often not permanent.

  19. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

    Depressing running thread!
    I’m sidelined due to plantar fasciitis. I was advised to rest for a week or two (and almost a week has already passed), but I have a hunch I will be shelved longer.

    The good news is that the pain in my heel is slowly lessening. The bad news is that now the side of my foot hurts, so I’ve essentially supplemented one problem with another. (I have a feeling that either the heel pain or the generic orthotic I got from a less-than-great podiatrist caused me to change the way I walk, but who knows.)

    AAM runners – when you folks can’t run, what do you do as an alternative? I’m not athletic, and I’ve never even considered any alternatives besides running, even though I’ve had 15 years to contemplate the possibility (I’ve been *really* lucky to have gone that long without ever being totally sidelined). There’s no pool near me so swimming is out, I’m not interested in weight lifting, and I’d basically rather step outside and walk in front of a bus than do yoga. What else is there that’s low impact on my feet? By default, I’ve been using my wife’s exercise bike for 30 minute bursts, two days on and one day off. The bike gets the job done as far as getting exercise, but it’s kind of like drinking weak tea when you’re accustomed to coffee.

    Those of you who can run… enjoy it this weekend!

    1. chi chan*

      I am trying to come up with something similar to running for you but I can only think of skating, cycling or skateboarding all of which will probably be hard on the feet. I don’t know. Can you do something like aerobics or zumba?

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I’ve never had any feet issues myself, so grain of salt, but would something low/no-impact like an elliptical work?

    3. anonagain*

      I’m not a runner, just a perpetually injured person. My own preference is to rest the body part fully (or as fully as I can) right off the bat. It’s miserable though. Did your doctor clarify what counts as resting your feet? I think cycling can exacerbate plantar fasciitis, so the bike might be prolonging things. Of course, if your doctor said it’s okay, go with that. And even if they didn’t, this might still be the option that makes sense for you.

      Are chair/seated workouts something that might work? There are lots on youtube, but you’ll want to specify that you are looking for difficult/intense/hard workouts. There are many videos designed for people with limited physical capacity, which isn’t what you want. (There are some that are for disabled or injured athletes that could be more interesting for you. I remember liking KymNonStop when I was restricted to seated exercise but ready for more of a challenge.)

      I hope your recovery doesn’t take too much longer and that you find something to do in the meantime.

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        I’ve actually found the bike to be adequate. It’s a lot more of a workout than I was expecting and I feel something of a high afterward. It’s a recumbent bike; I didn’t ask the question specifically of the doctor (who wasn’t really all that forthcoming with my other questions–I’m going to see a different doctor if it turns out a follow up is necessary), but based on what I’ve seen, it shouldn’t exacerbate plantar fasciitis. There doesn’t really seem to be any impact to my heel at all while I’m doing it. But I guess we will see.

        I just miss running — but I totally realize that on the Richter scale of things in life I can complain about, this doesn’t really rate.

        1. anonagain*

          I’m glad the bike has been a good workout. Being injured sucks. When I was dancing, I found that my body craved dance specifically. I would swim, do PT, etc. when I was injured and get a decent workout, but it was never as mentally or physically satisfying as taking class or going to rehearsal. It was frustrating.

          I imagine not being able to run is similar. This doesn’t sound like a trivial complaint to me at all.

          1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

            That’s EXACTLY how I feel. You nailed it. But hopefully it won’t be for a long period of time.

    4. Lady Jay*

      I mean, I do yoga on my days off, so I’m not sure what to tell you?

      What is it that you don’t care for about yoga or weight lifting? Sometimes it’s possible to change a workout to make it doable–say, only doing seated poses and dropping the mystical part from yoga and calling it “stretching.” :)

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        One of my biggest pet peeves of this site is when a poster says they’re not open to something and then someone suggests it anyway.

        1. Lady Jay*

          Sorry. I started with the question because I was hoping you’d actually answer it–like, if you really hated how boring weight-lifting was, maybe the answer would be to listen to podcasts or something. I guess I thought were could brainstorm solutions, but clearly that was a wrong assumption on my part.

          I posted yesterday in the work thread about earplugs, specifically said earplugs don’t work for me, and still got people suggesting ways to make earplugs work. And . . . y’know, some of the ideas might actually work.

        2. coffee cup*

          That read to me like ‘what is it that you don’t like about those things?’ (mainly because that’s what it said, I guess), like if you don’t like X about those then you probably also won’t like Y, or you might instead like Z.

      2. Reference interview*

        Hi Lady Jay,
        In libraries we ask patrons questions like, “what don’t you like about yoga” as a traditional part of the reference interview. It is how we narrow down what the person wants and find answers that help them. I thought yours was a helpful question.

        I would also have assumed that different information about yoga might have helped. For example, I do Iyengar yoga. The precision, anatomical focus, and length of holding poses often makes it popular with folks who dont usually like yoga.

    5. gecko*

      I don’t particularly like cardio exercise other than running, but doing high-intensity interval workouts isn’t bad. I use one of the zillion 7-minute workout apps out there. There can be a lot of jumping around, but if I need something quieter or lower-impact I just replace jumpy intervals with squats/shadow boxing or other substitutes. It wouldn’t be the same as distance running but it’d probably give you a hit of endorphins and a tired feeling if you calibrate it to your fitness level well enough.

    6. Emily*

      Sometimes I use the elliptical (I used to hate it, but I got more used it when I was rehabbing an ACL reconstruction) or stairstepper at the gym. Maybe you could get an actual bike that you could ride around outside? I don’t know what exactly you don’t like about weight lifting, but maybe you could find some strength training routines that you don’t hate – bodyweight moves like squats, lunges, glute bridges, core work, pushups?

      I like running (both in the context of distance running and ultimate frisbee), but I also like indoor climbing, strength training, and a few other things – sometimes when one activity is limited by injury I can still do other stuff.

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        I’ve been told that an outdoor bike runs the risk of exacerbating plantar fasciitis due to the bumps and sudden changes in terrain – more impact to the heel than an indoor bike. I would actually love to ride a bike; what’s stopping me is the lack of protected bike lanes and the positively psychotic drivers in my area.

        As for weight lifting, I find myself intimidated by it. It brings back bad memories of high school gym class, which was an intensely awful experience. I also just don’t find the actual activity of lifting enjoyable. But as you said, there’s more to strength training besides the actual lifting of stuff, so I may need to change my pre-conceived notions.

        1. Emily*

          That’s too bad about the outdoor biking being potentially aggravating to your symptoms/dangerous because of cars. I like to bike occasionally, but I live near a canal trail. I don’t think I would bike very much either if I had to do it on the roads. :/

    7. CC*

      What about rowing? I can only do low impact exercises and that’s a great one for huge expenditures of energy without pressure on the feet.

    8. early morning tea and biccies*

      Can you bike outside? For me, one of the things I enjoyed most about running was being outside, fresh air etc. Cycling was good cross-training too. A bike inside would not have hit all those points for me.

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        I’d like to and eventually might. I live in a frightening area for cyclists. The one appealing bike path near me that is scenic and protected from cars is dangerously unmaintained. That’s unfortunate, but it seems that cycling on an actual bike is more likely to exacerbate plantar fasciitis than riding a recumbent bike indoors anyway.

        1. early morning tea and biccies*

          Having a good cycling path is important. But you can get a recumbent for outside.
          In response to your other comment about finding new exercise: I’ve had plantar facitiis for a year now. I’ve found that my trapeze class doesn’t aggravate it at all. :)

    9. CatCat*

      I am also a sidelined runner due to bursitis caused by a bone spur one one of my feet. It’s been going one for about 6 months now. I am hoping if I lose some weight, that will help make the inflammation stop, though I may ultimately have to have the spur removed (frowny face!!)

      I walk a lot since that is low impact. I enjoy outdoor cycling. Indoor cycling just sounds like a total bore to me. But outdoor cycling is quite pleasant.

      Do you have any natural bodies of water within driving distance? Kayaking is super fun and great exercise with no impact on the feet. I have an inflatable kayak that I got for pretty cheap off Amazon that is great to take to a nearby lake.

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        Kayaking is an interesting idea. The one time in my life I did it, I really liked it, even though I largely went in circles and I fell out of the kayak trying to get out. It’s almost free kayaking season where I live.

    11. LGC*

      Ouch! Hopefully you’re back on your feet soon!

      It really depends. But you just drove a bus through my first three suggestions. You actually hit on plan D, though – get a bike. Cycling is low impact, which is good.

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        “Drove a bus through”…haha. Sorry, LGC. I’m realizing by reading this thread that no one has invented a new sport or exercise that I’ve missed all these years, which I guess is good? But the bike is turning out to be somewhat better than I probably made it sound above. I can do it while I watch a game show or a rerun of a baseball game.

        1. LGC*

          I mean, I’m just a guy on the Internet, you’re the one that has to deal with the injury! Glad it’s working out well (or…well enough), though.

    12. MindoverMoneyChick*

      Search “hurt foot workout” on YouTube. There’s a trainer with a whole series of floor and seated workouts you can do with an injury. Very helpful to me when I was sidelined from my normal workout routine recently.

    13. Nacho*

      I really want to run right now, but it’s raining out. Trying to decide if it’s worth just putting on a rain coat and going.

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        I’ve found that if it’s warm enough and the rain is not that hard, the rain actually acts as a cooling factor and it feels good. Sucks to do a long run in it, though.

    14. Bulbasaur*

      When I had plantar fasciitis I was back on some limited running fairly soon – I just needed my foot strapped when I did it. So that might be something to look into, although it may depend on how bad your particular case is.

      Also, the physio gave me a bunch of stretches and exercises to improve strength and flexibility for the muscles that weren’t pulling their weight (which was what led to the condition in the first place). So if you have something similar then throwing yourself into that might be a possible substitute – as you say, exercise comes in different forms. They can be discouraging early in the “this should be the easiest thing in the world, why can’t I do it” sense, but you can often see some progress fairly quickly. Seeing how successfully you can do that can work if you need something goal oriented, and it might be a good complement to the heart rate elevating options like the stationary bike.

      In general I think talking to a physio or sports oriented doctor might be worthwhile if you haven’t already. In my experience doctors without a sports focus are more likely to prescribe complete rest for everything, even though modern research suggests that’s often not the right treatment for a lot of conditions. Physios are also more familiar with the scenario where they know their patient is going to disobey if they forbid exercise entirely, so they need to offer options that allow it to proceed alongside the recovery process.

      In my case there wasn’t really much else I could do (the great appeal of running was that I could just throw on a pair of shoes and be off, and nothing else offered that convenience) but I was able to get by with the above suggestions.

    15. Diamond*

      I find yoga and regular pilates so boring, but I like the ‘Pop Pilates’ that Blogilates on Youtube does. It’s fast-paced pilates to upbeat music which makes it more interesting and immersive to me.

  20. AvonLady Barksdale*

    We’re moving in a month (less than that, depending on how this weekend goes) and I have completely had it with our landlord. He’s selling the house and apparently needs/wants cash quickly. Luckily for him, our neighbor (with whom we’re friendly) wants to buy the house and keep it as a rental property. This would also be great for us, because our neighbor will buy our washer/dryer and save us a lot of headache!

    However, our landlord is being a giant pain. Every time he schedules someone to come and do something– yard work, pressure washing, that kind of thing– he reschedules at the last minute. Our neighbor has arranged inspections, as he should, and instead of planning to show up, our landlord expects my partner to be home and take care of it. The workers my landlord hires are never on time and not particularly respectful. On the other hand, everyone who has come from our neighbor’s side has been communicative and conscientious– because my neighbor hires actual companies who do these things, not just “a guy” with a pressure washer.

    But the latest thing takes the cake. During the inspection, the inspector was checking out a window frame and made a giant hole– because the frame is rotted. I don’t blame the inspector one bit. My partner sent a photo to the landlord, kind of as a heads-up, and… nothing. Not even a, “Oh wow, sorry.” I also heard that our landlord is getting impatient with our neighbor because our neighbor won’t make a deal until the inspection reports come back– which is his right! Which is smart! But the landlord knows there are problems with the house and he’s being an ass about it. We’ve been renting this house for five years and our landlord never once came by to inspect anything, he has never checked in, he just takes his rent and makes repairs only when we bring it up (and even then, it takes at least two weeks to get anything done). And now he wants us to do his work for him without any consideration for our time or for the fact that, you know, we rent the whole property from him.

    I would really love to ask him to release us from our lease a couple of weeks early– and I would spin it as, getting us out early would give him free access to make repairs– but I know he won’t because he wants the money. So I’m prepared to be petty and tell him he can’t take possession until the 30th even though we’ll probably leave before then.

    1. Alex*

      Is he giving you 24 hours notice for all appointments? You do not need to accommodate him within less than 24 hours and you do not need to be the person managing his work people. I’d simply say “sorry, we can’t do that time,” and not show up for whatever appointment he makes. That’s his problem, not yours.

      You only need to give him access (ie, allow him in) when he gives you 24 hours notice or it is a time sensitive emergency (like a gas leak or a fire hazard).

      1. Wishing You Well*

        I agree with Alex. Now is a great time to practice assertiveness with the landlord. What’s he going to do? Evict you? Stand on your rights, if only to gain experience with drawing appropriate/legal boundaries.
        I suspect you’ll continue to have trouble with this landlord no matter how ‘nice’ you are.
        Glad you’re moving out! Good luck!

    2. bunniferous*

      Not your job to be present for the inspection. Is he selling FSBO or is he using an agent? He can have his agent be there or he can be there. You do not have to be there.

      1. only acting normal*

        Just say no to meeting landlord’s appointments for him.
        In general I’d advise landlords to not have their tenants around for selling. As a buyer I’ve had several tenants obviously try to torpedo sales with horror stories about house or neighbourhood (even one who was renting from a friend). It’s not in the tenants’ interests to have their home sold out from under them, so I get why. Not that this behaviour applies to Avonlady!!

        1. AvonLady Barksdale*

          Ha! We do try to be neutral, if not positive, but the funny thing is we told our neighbor about some of the house issues before it was going to be sold– and it turns out we were pretty on-the-nose (I’ve been saying for years that the windows need to be replaced), and our neighbor still wants it. So our landlord would be smart to just take a few grand off his asking and be done with it.

  21. traveling*

    Any places you could recommend for short trips that are accessible by train around NYC (could be in another state, just NYC is my starting point)? I don’t drive so that eliminates some places. I’m looking for nature, quiet, hiking, good food appreciated. Beacon for example is on my list but I’m sure there are lots of other places I have not heard!

    1. GoryDetails*

      The Sleepy Hollow/Tarrytown/Irvington area is lovely, with lots of beautiful hiking trails, historical spots, magnificent houses (from Washington Irving’s Sunnyside to the lovely Lyndhurst Manor), riverwalks along the Hudson… Lots of good restaurants, including the high-end Blue Hill at Stone Barns.

      1. GoryDetails*

        Oops, forgot to add: some of these places are readily accessible from the train stations, but for others you’d need local transportation of some kind. I don’t know what the taxi or Uber/Lyft situation is there – when I’ve visited I’ve taken my own car – but that might be an option for you.

    2. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      The Jamaica Bay Wildlife Refuge is spectacular. You can take the A train to the Broad Channel stop. There are many restaurants one train stop away in Howard Beach.

      You could take the Long Island Railroad to Oyster Bay — there are water views, good restaurants and shopping, not sure about hiking though.

      Over the summer, you could get to Jones Beach by transit; take the LIRR to Freeport and transfer there to a bus to Jones Beach (it might be weekends only; check the MTA Web site).

      I’m sure there’s a lot more on Metro North and NJ Transit but those are the things that immediately popped into my head.

    3. Llellayena*

      My initial thoughts died at “nature, quiet, hiking.” I’m most familiar with the Northeast Corridor line into NJ but most of that goes to built up areas. Princeton is a great place to walk around if you like that though. You might check the train lines that go across the north part of NJ toward the Poconos. It seems like that would be more nature-like. Most of the other places I can think of don’t have a train line nearby. Though if you like more structured nature Grounds for Sculpture is pretty close to the Hamilton train station.

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        Seconding Princeton. It’s gorgeous around there, and easily accessible by NJ Transit. The Grounds for Sculpture is peaceful and spectacular!

        If you’re willing to go to Staten Island and ride a bus for varying lengths of time, there are a few good options where you can enjoy nature/go to a good restaurant afterward:
        –Snug Harbor (ferry to the S40 bus)
        –Clove Lakes Park (ferry to the S61 or S62 bus)
        –The Greenbelt (the S74 bus will probably get you closest)

    4. Femme d'Afrique*

      Check out Bear Mountain State Park, it’s perfect for what you’re looking for. The Metro North will take you to Peekskill (and then it’s a cab ride away). Lots of hiking trails etc, it’s a really beautiful place and you won’t believe you’re only about an hour away from Manhattan. You may need to pack a picnic or something, but I highly recommend it.

      1. CC*

        I second this! You can train up directly or if you’re open to renting a car we trained up to a nearby town and rented a car from there. We made a weekend of it at a bed and breakfast and hiked all weekend. We also saw an old mansion Kykuit,old home of Rockefeller and full of modern sculptures in the area, highly recommended as well.

    5. LGC*

      If I remember correctly, Storm King is not too far from the Campbell Hall stop on the Port Jervis line.

      The NJCL gets pretty scenic when you get down to the shore, but the northern shore towns tend to be a little…chaotic at times? Belmar is fairly mellow, if I recall.

    6. Young coworker*

      It’s a long trip from NYC I’m guessing but harpers ferry is crazy accessible from DC’s union station and absolutely gorgeous without needing a car

    7. Seeking Second Childhood*

      The LIRR goes all the way out to the eastern end of Long Island’s North Fork. Much is within easy stroll of the train station. Great biking, and rent kayaks or just laze on the beach.
      Going the other direction, Metro North gives you easy access to Connecticut as far as New Haven. From there head north to Hartford & Springfield MA, or East to Boston. Downtown Hartford itself has a decent bus system, and there are now bus connections to other areas.

    8. Ulf*

      If you enjoy hiking–did you know that there is a stop at the Appalachian Trail on the Harlem Line of Metro-North? It is situated where the trail crosses the tracks by route 22 in/near Dover Plains, north of Pawling. I believe trains only stop there on weekends and holidays.

      I’ve never done the train, but have parked there and hiked to the southwest–you cross a swamp first before reaching a forest and dried land. Hopefully someday I’ll return and go in the opposite direction. Anyway, can’t speak for the train ride itself, but the combination of train from GCT and hiking along the most famous trail in the US makes this seem like a good potential fit for you.

    9. Katefish*

      It’s paved, but the Dutchess Rail Trail and the Walkway over the Hudson are accessible by Metro North. The walkway is crowded but the rail trails are quiet and peaceful. We rented bikes, but there were many hikers as well. You’re near the Culinary Institute and Lola’s, a personal favorite for good food.

  22. GoryDetails*

    Bird watching, anyone? I enjoy it – in a casual way; I’m more likely to admire birds as they visit my yard than to be up at dawn with binoculars in a neighboring marshland. I live in New Hampshire and there are lots of handsome birds that visit the area. I put out nectar for ruby-throated hummingbirds, jelly-and-orange feeders for orioles and catbirds, and peanuts and suet for a variety of woodpeckers from the tiny downy to red-bellied woodpeckers and flickers. The area gets birds of almost every color – though green is rarer, only on the necks of mallards and pheasants. We also have LOTS of wild turkeys, and it’s possible to spot a flock of them stalking around suburban yards on occasion.

    What kinds of birds do you see? (Or are you like a friend of mine who, whatever the species I’ve excitedly pointed out, will glance at it, shrug, and mutter “It’s a bird” {grin})

    1. Reba*

      We recently saw a long-tailed duck at a public garden in northern Virginia. And gorgeous bluebirds. When we lived in New England, seeing various fancy ducks was my favorite (buffleheads! so cute!).

    2. londonedit*

      GoryDetails, are you a Bookcrosser by any chance? If so, you might remember me from the very old days of the BC forum…!

      As for birds, I live in London so you might not think we’d get many interesting birds, but there are plenty around if you look for them! I often run by the river and canals, and you can see herons, cormorants, swans, ducks and moorhens there. And as well as all the usual British garden birds (robins, blackbirds, tits etc) we have loads of green parakeets which I love. Some people think they’re a pest as they’re non-native, and no one really knows where they came from (one of the many brilliant rumours is that Jimi Hendrix released some pet parakeets one day) but I think they’re lovely.

      1. Reba*

        No, the parakeets are jerks!!!! They are very charming but very destructive (they attack bats).

      2. GoryDetails*

        [GoryDetails, are you a Bookcrosser by any chance? If so, you might remember me from the very old days of the BC forum…!]

        I am indeed! Same screen name there as here. I don’t recognize your screen name from BC, but it’s good to see another BCer here even if you haven’t been active lately!

        1. londonedit*

          No, different screen name but I was one of the London Renegades :) Haven’t done any Bookcrossing for many many years but I remembered your name!

      3. DrTheLiz*

        If you keep your eyes peeled and get a bit lucky, there’re kingfishers on the London canals. I’ve seen a nesting one in Vicky Park (it caught a fish and took it into the nest, it was so cool) and a flying one on the Grand Union around Uxbridge.

        1. londonedit*

          Yes! I’ve actually seen one before too, also near Uxbridge on the canal! And terrapins, but they’re not birds :)

        2. GoryDetails*

          Oh, kingfishers! So very cool… I’ve lived in New Hampshire for about 40 years now and have seen a kingfisher in the wild exactly once. Diving from a tree into the brook within a mile of my house, yet… After that I kept watching for them for years before realizing it was better as a one-time thrill than a constant frustration! (May have been a weird season, too; I saw a kingbird in the same general area, and haven’t seen one of those since either.)

    3. Penguin*

      There’s a pair of cardinals that often perch right outside my window and I smile every time I see them! Otherwise, we get robins, grackles, English sparrows, blue jays… nothing terribly exotic. I did see several talkative mallards land in the neighbors’ pool last year, and I’d swear I’ve heard wood ducks once. I’m close to some of the fall migration routes down the Great Lakes, but I’m not so enthusiastic as to go camp out in the actual flight paths, so you’d never know it from my watch list.

    4. Emily*

      I don’t go out of my way to see birds (although it’s funny that I say that now, since I’m hoping to visit a raptor sanctuary next weekend), but I like looking at them when they’re around me! And I live near a canal and some small wooded areas, so there’s a decent amount of variety.

      Recently I had one of my first wild turkey sightings! I couldn’t really stop and look because I was driving, but it was exciting. We have cardinals and Canadian geese pretty much always, ducks and occasional herons on the canal, pigeons in a particular spot where people feed them, occasional seagulls (we’re not near the sea), blue jays, woodpeckers, and some smaller birds that I’m not very good at identifying. There were some goldfinches recently that were a lovely bright yellow.

      Controversial opinion of the day: I like pigeons; I think they’re really pretty and mostly good-natured. I also read somewhere that they were once mostly domesticated birds, and so now they’re more feral than truly wild.

    5. CAA*

      I live near the ocean, so we get a lot of sea and shore birds here — we have several different species of herons, egrets, gulls and terns. I especially like watching the brown pelicans feeding. It’s also really awesome, but rare, to see an osprey catching fish in the estuary.

      On land, we get the usual crows, robins, sparrows, hummingbirds and there’s a flock of feral parrots and conures. The most annoying land bird is the mockingbird. Every few years we get a bachelor male that can’t find a mate and sings all night in the tree outside our bedroom window.

    6. GoryDetails*

      Just saw a rose-breasted grosbeak! While they’re not uncommon in the area, it’s rare that I see one in my yard. Love the dramatic patch of red on the breast. (And I forgot to mention great blue herons, which are quite common here; sometimes one will be standing rock-still in the suburban ponds, looking like a statue until suddenly it jabs at a fish or frog. I love to see them take off, too; something so large doesn’t seem as if it could become airborne, but they do.)

    7. CatCat*

      I’ve gotten a lot more interested in birdwatching over the past few years than I thought I would have. Even got a little “urban birdwatching” notebook to note what I see. There’s a site called What Bird (https://www.whatbird.com/) that has helped me identify birds I’ve spied.

      This week’s highlight was seeing a wild turkey with her two chicks!

      1. SPDM*

        I use the Cornell app Merlin Bird ID, which is good if you’re not home. I’ve seen lots of turkeys where I live, but no chicks. So cool!

    8. Not So NewReader*

      Eagles are coming back.
      We also have the large blue heron.

      But they don’t show up in my yard. Of course.

      We did have some Harlequin ducks a few towns over.

    9. Clisby*

      Cardinals, mockingbirds, and robins are the most frequent in my yard (in SC). We used to get blue jays, but in the past 5 years their visits have really diminished. (Not birds, but there also used to be a lot of bats flitting around here at dusk, but I hardly see them anymore).

      1. Clisby*

        Adding … we hear migrating ducks and geese, but see them only in the park across from our house. My favorite birds near me were the pair of anhingas in the park, but haven’t seen them at all this year.

    10. AnonBirder*

      My favourite hobby!

      The good season here has wound down – most of the ducks, shorebirds, wagtails, thrushes, etc. migrate north for the winter (I’m in Taiwan). We’ve got nesting blue magpies, treepies, swallows and barbets near my apartment, and I can hear the serpent eagles circling this morning. At work, there’s a regular kingfisher, lots of bulbuls, moorhens, egrets and magpie robins. I also managed to ID a Savannah nightjar the other night, by sound.

      We don’t get songbirds much, except in the high mountains. Birds in more tropical climates tend to chirp/squawk/call, but not sing, as the larger more reflective leaves on local plants tend to break up longer songs. Taiwan’s a pretty amazing birding place, as it’s a small area, but spans tropical/sub-tropical, and goes from sea-level up to high altitude montane forest, plus rivers, lakes, marshes and seashore, *and* it’s on a lot of migratory routes.

      I’d say I’m on the moderately obsessive end :-). I make lists, own a spotting scope, but don’t do dedicated international travel for birding. I do take my binoculars and a book when I travel, though, and have hired guides in other countries for a day trip (something I highly recommend). Even on a business trip, it’s fun to pull out the binoculars and look for new birds.

    11. The Other Dawn*

      I’ve learned to appreciate casual bird-watching in my backyard. I moved to the middle of the state a few years ago, and it’s more country-like than my previous area. My husband–a city boy–has discovered a love for feeding the wildlife, so it brings lots of birds, squirrels and deer to the yard. Every week he has to go to Tractor Supply and stock up on bird, squirrel and deer food. And yesterday he saw ONE bunny in the yard and immediately grabbed my bag of carrots from the fridge to go and feed it.

      We see: blue jays, cardinals, robins, goldfinches, red-winged black birds, black birds, crows, chickadees, finches, sparrows, woodpeckers, and mourning doves. I saw a couple ducks yesterday. We also have a hawk that hangs around–very noisy bugger–and we see a crane occasionally (there’s a small area of wetlands in the back). Oh, and a family of geese use the wetlands in back to have their babies every year. I love seeing them lead their four or five little ones across the yard.

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Just realized it’s an egret, not a crane, that visits the area at the back of our yard.

    12. HeyNonny*

      I saw an eagle with out for a hike today. Wow, it was gigantic! It lowered down to look at me (maybe my hat looked tasty?) as it swept by and I instinctively tried to look bigger.

    13. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I lived walking distance to the near the CT River for 20 years, and now just 5 miles east towards the hills I’m seeing different birds. The ones I saw&heard by the river that I don’t get now — flicker, blue jays, mockingbird, and (I think) song sparrow. We had more robins there. We had red tailed hawks, Cooper’s hawks, and once a kestrel. Once saw a bald eagle from my front yard, on his migration no doubt. Regular flyovers by a great blue heron.
      We had a nesting Red tail somewhere in my new area, and those adolescents are funny to watch when they aren’t getting fed anymore. I hear a lot of song birds I haven’t identified yet….they’re way up in 70 yo trees. Both places have lots of chickadees, the juncos already headed north. I have a pair of crows in the area, and we had a huge vulture flyover last month.
      Once driving across the bridge near Hartford I saw the fastest moving pigeons ever….being followed by a Peregrine falcon. That’s right up there with the bald eagles.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        My husband used to see a green heron near his office. Tons of water birds. Once a huge flock of night jars, but only y that once.

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          And my daughter just reminded me of our occasional flock of turkeys.

  23. NewKicks*

    I’m not sure if I should update my beneficiaries for my savings account and retirement account. Right now I have both my parents listed as my primaries, and my two siblings listed as my secondaries. When I got an e-mail reminding me to make sure my beneficiaries were up to date this week, I wondered if I should change it to just my mom as my primary and just sibling 1 for my secondary.

    My dad is a jerk in many ways and I don’t even talk to him anymore except when forced to at family gatherings. Sibling 2 isn’t a good sibling in the sense that they never volunteer to help with anything and never have time to do favors or keep in touch, but if they want to vent or need a favor then they expect you to drop everything right now. I don’t *hate* hate them because they’re still family, but at the same time I’m wondering do they really deserve to get money if I die? My mom and sibling 1 are wonderful and supportive and deserve the money. I have good relationships with them. But if i die and they see my beneficiaries then there’s going to be hurt feelings and my mom and sibling 1 might be upset with (dead) me.

    Any thoughts or suggestions or experiences to share on how to do this? I’m young enough and healthy enough that it’s not an immediate concern, but it does weigh on my mind a bit.

    1. only acting normal*

      It’s your money so up to you where it goes if you die (although it’s nice of you to worry about others feelings, you can’t control that, you can only control you).
      Also, that reminds me – I need to update my beneficiaries too!

      1. valentine*

        Make the changes. I assume you trust Mom/1’s judgment and, if they want to share, they can.

    2. WellRed*

      My mom is my beneficiary if for no other reason then my student loan debt needs to be taken care of ( co-signed debt, long ago) so keep anything like that in mind. Also, if you were to actually predecease mom, I’d be wary of whether, as her next of kin, your dad would receive it should she pass.

    3. Not A Manager*

      Leave your money to the people that you want to have it. If they choose to share with other people, that’s their business.

    4. Venus*

      Would they be upset if you did or didn’t include everyone? You aren’t clear.

      Either way, one thought might be to make mother and sibling 1 primaries, and father and sibling 2 secondaries (assuming different tiers result in different amounts). Personally I am planning for my mother to get more than my father, based on their financial situations.

      1. Anonymous Pterodactyl*

        Tiers do not result in different amounts. Primary beneficiaries inherit first; only if all primaries are deceased do the secondary beneficiaries get any share of the funds.

        NewKicks, from what you’ve described, I do think it makes sense to have Mom and Sib1 as your primary beneficiaries. If you want Dad and Sib2 to inherit your funds if Mom and Sib1 die before you do, then by all means make them secondary. But if you would rather not leave anything to Dad and Sib2 if they outlive all the rest of you…. I don’t recommend having them as contingent beneficiaries. A friend, a charity, a romantic partner… all better options than meh family members.

    5. Auntie Social*

      Make your mom primary on your checking, with your sib(s) secondary. Do the reverse for the retirement accounts.

    6. Blarg*

      My cousin and I are each other’s heirs and POAs. Keep in mind that if you don’t have a spouse or adult child, your parents will be expected to make medical decisions for you should you be unable — unless you designate someone. That’s a way bigger deal than your assets. I trust my cousin to respect my wishes more than anyone else, and thus she gets any assets I may have (although she’s getting the short end — she has way more assets than I do).

  24. Anono-me*

    Good morning,

    Does anyone know if Library checkout and/or used book sales in the USA are tracked to contribute to an author’s popularity ranking?

    Here is the reason for my question.

    I am a bibliophile. But I have a small moral dilemma. There are several authors where I love the books, but very much unhappy with the personal and political views the author expresses via their platform as a popular author. (Yes, everyone is entitled to their own opinions and to share those opinions as they see fit. However being an author gives someone a higher profile and sometimes more credence when sharing their opinions. ) I don’t want to contribute to this person’s financial or social stature as an author by buying their books. I use the library or I buy books second hand. If I recommend this author, it is with the warning that the books are good, but the author’s personal views may be problematic .
    Unfortunately, now I have been told that there is some sort of Matrix that tracks Library checkouts and Used Book Sales from the larger chain of used book sellers. Does anyone know if this is the case? If so, any suggestions on how to get around it (other than to read the book in the library)?

    Thank you.

    (PS-I do try to be an ethical consumer in other ways also.)

    1. Beaded Librarian*

      I work at a library and I’m not aware of this being the case although I think I would have to ask our integrated Library software vendor to be sure. It’s possible the collect the data without the library’s knowing.

      1. Also a librarian*

        I do think book sales to libraries are tracked; we do track check outs (not you reading habits but the library as a whole) but I dont know if that info goes to publishers.
        I dont think used books are tracked in most library bookstores, they would have to have barcode systems to track the titles and ours does not. It is just a set price per paperback, hardcover, CD etc for most items. Q

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      I don’t know if it’s a thing that is actually tracked, though both would make SENSE to track–the data is out there, it’s highly relevant to libraries and used book stores in figuring out where to invest their limited resources, so why wouldn’t tracking systems have grown up as tech made that easy?

      I don’t think the line you’ve drawn–trying to consume things but ensure that the author can’t get any credit for creating something you want to consume–doesn’t make much sense. Like, I can see both “I’m just watching a movie, all I care about is that the story is well told” and “I can’t enjoy movies with that person because I can’t dissociate them from their actions to lose myself in the story, or am just not willing to”–but not trying to watch all that person’s movies but only in ways that no one could know about.

      1. Grace*

        “I don’t think the line you’ve drawn–trying to consume things but ensure that the author can’t get any credit for creating something you want to consume–doesn’t make much sense.”
        No, I get the line, and I do the same.

        There is a certain author who has been very public about their opposition to LGBTQ right, including the fact that sex between men should have stayed illegal, and actively campaigned against same-sex marriage. I haven’t read their books, but I’m aware that they’re iconic in the genre. If it wasn’t for the author, I would have read them already, and maybe I still will.

        But I will not give this author my money and I will not give them my sales to increase their numbers – because that money and that prestige all go straight back into pressuring governments to erode my rights.

        Maybe I’ll read those books someday. I doubt it, because I don’t think I can separate them from the author at this point, but I understand why other people would want to. But even if I do, I am not going to let this author benefit in any way from my reading their books, and I support other people doing the same.

        1. Falling Diphthong*

          I am truly not grokking this distinction. It seems like a cousin of the excuses made to try and get free copies of stories because “well I want to read/watch them, and I want the creators to make more for me to read and watch, but I don’t want to pay anything”–where it’s public acknowledgement rather than money that’s being withheld from something.

          I don’t think shame is the right word, but it seems a similar negative emotion: that reading these books would need to be done in secret and not admitted to, at least not via any public accounting. Just… don’t read him if you don’t want people to be able to count you as his reader.

          1. The Gollux (Not a Mere Device)*

            It’s not, in my opinion and experience, necessarily “I don’t want to be seen reading his books” but “I don’t want to do anything that might send money his way, even indirectly.” Some people draw the line at not buying books by certain living authors; they figure that increased or decreased sales won’t help a dead writer. And yes, refusing to buy someone’s books (or music, or other works of art) may decrease the chance of them writing and publishing more books; that’s a risk some of us are willing to take.

            On the other hand, I have also decided that if I can’t find my CDs of certain albums, I won’t be re-buying them, because a really vile person was in the band and gets a share of the royalties. And that’s an emotional reaction: he’s no longer working as a musician, and probably has significantly more money than I do.

            (On yet another limb, some people would probably refuse to listen to those albums now that they know more about the performer in question. There are people who have gotten rid of books because “now that we know how the author abused her daughter, I wouldn’t be able to enjoy rereading those books.”)

            1. Falling Diphthong*

              The part I’m not getting is that it “may decrease the chance of them writing and publishing more books; that’s a risk some of us are willing to take.” Because on the one hand if they write/film/record a new piece of art, you’re going to try to read/watch/hear it because you enjoy their work. But on the other hand you want to discourage them.

              If I would prefer that someone’s status decrease and no one be interested in paying them to make more books/movies/songs, then the logical thing to do is not consume those things. Not try to snag them on the down low where no one notices.

              1. Grace*

                It’s nothing to do with me wanting them to stop creating art, it’s because I do not want my actions to benefit this person. You can enjoy someone’s music or film or writing while still thinking “Wow, this person supports causes that I find to be really reprehensible and I don’t want to contribute monetarily towards that.”

                If buying a book or CD from a second-hand shop means that I consume that media but my money doesn’t go into that person’s pocket, that’s all I want. Bonus points if I’m buying from a charity shop, so my money is going towards causes I support rather than a person who donates to causes I don’t. That’s literally all it is. Does my buying this thing – or borrowing it from a library – put more money into their pocket, directly or indirectly? No? Then it’s all good.

                1. valentine*

                  Unless you’re keeping tabs on the enemy, within politics, for example, and/or they’re a subject of study, why would you read the work of a deplorable person?

    3. NewKicks*

      I feel like if you’re reading an author’s books, then you’re still supporting them whether you’re getting the books from a library or second hand. Even if there isn’t some way that libraries or used book stores track the information for the author’s publisher, the library and used book stores themselves will still track it for their own inventory purposes (that’s how libraries decide what to buy/cull from their collections, and how used book stores decide if they want to buy more of which books to sell). And recommending the author (even with a warning), or doing things like leaving reviews or carrying around the book and allowing other people to see it (if you do those things too), still seems like you’d be supporting the author.

      I know one of my friends uses a book swapping website where you earn credits from listing and shipping your books to other people, and then you use those credits to get books from other people. Maybe that’s less likely to be tracked?

    4. Lilysparrow*

      Well, first of all, there’s no such thing as an official or mathematical Popularity Ranking for authors.

      Authors get onto bestseller lists based on retail (new) book sales. (The main bestseller lists are usually gamed in some way, fwiw.)

      Advertising and distribution on the retail level are business arrangements that reflect the publisher’s promotion budget and projected (guesstimate) sales, not some kind of objective ranking. Media appearances, press reviews, and “buzz” are managed by professional PR agents. So from that perspective, the author’s “Popularity Ranking” is whatever their PR team can convince you it is.

      Appearances on lists like “the best of the year” or “the best of all time” are the subjective opinion of the people compiling the list. Reviews on blogs are either sponsored placements or the subjective opinion of the blogger.

      Authors and publishers do not get paid for used book sales. Even if sales are tracked, publishers do not consider used book sales in deciding to offer contracts or advances. Because they only care about sales that make money for them. Used book sales are lost sales from a publisher’s POV.

      Any author who makes a really noticeable share of their income from library sales is not prominent enough for anyone to know or care anything about their politics.

      So, even if these types of tracking exist as management tools for the libraries & bookstores, there is no appreciable benefit to the author.

    5. karou*

      I’m not sure what you mean by “popularity ranking”, but in terms of whether an author gets royalties — used book sales, no. Some countries have a Public Lending Right programs, which allows authors to claim payment for their books available in libraries, sometimes based on the number of times it’s been borrowed, but not the US. However the more a book is borrowed, the likelier it is that the library will buy more copies of that book or their future books, which means more money for the publisher and author in the long run.

    6. FutureLibrarianNoMore*

      Libraries do track. Not who reads them (because that’s considered private data) but how many checkouts and returns a book gets. That helps us decide what to order.

      Now, usually one checkout will not be the difference between us keeping or withdrawing an item (numbers are typically much further apart), but it does count towards that author’s overall *popularity score* (which doesn’t really exist, but that’s what we will call it).

    7. Book Lover*

      This is from Seanan Mcguire’s Tumblr, fwiw
      Because if you acquire a book, it presumably means you want to read it, and hope to find enjoyment and entertainment in its contents. Those contents were generated by someone who is very likely living below the poverty line for their region, who depends on book sales (new book sales) to eat. If no one buys my books, I stop writing or I starve. Those are my choices.

      Your choices are buy new, buy used, go to a library, or illegally download a file you have not paid for. The first benefits the author. The second benefits your local economy. The third benefits your community. The fourth benefits no one, and it violates copyright law.

      I gather this suggests that buying used doesn’t result in any formal tracking (though yes, the bookstore may then be willing to do trade ins for more) and tentatively the same for the library, but I know our library buys more copies of things when there is a waitlist or significant demand.

    8. smoke tree*

      I work in publishing but have never worked in libraries, so I may be off-base on this, but my understanding is that the popularity of a library book (how often it’s put on hold or checked out) affects how many copies of the book, and future books by the same author, the library buys. Library purchases are something that publishers track. So it does financially benefit the author in a small way, although not as directly as buying a book would.

  25. Sled dog mama*

    I’m working on revamping some childhood favorite recipes for myself and my two brothers. (One brother’s wife can’t eat dairy so he doesn’t either, the other brother is type 1 diabetic, and I’m insulin resistant).
    I’m thinking of occasionally taking things in to test on coworkers as well and trying to figure out the best way to to ask for feedback. I was thinking a note saying something like “trying a new recipe, feedback appreciated -Sled” would work and I could note common allergens there too.
    Is it too strange to take things to coworkers? (My office frequently has food items brought in by clients so I feel like just putting it in the break room would be within the culture)

    1. BRR*

      It’s going to depend on your workplace but I would guess that you won’t get honest feedback from your coworkers. If someone brings in something to the office, I’m going to say thank you and maybe it’s delicious. I’d feel weird saying this could use more salt or it’s a bit dry.

      1. Overeducated*

        Yeah, exactly. I think you’d have to enthusiastically rope one or two specific coworkers into agreeing to be test subjects and making it sound like a huge favor. (If you know anyone at work with those dietary needs they might be up for it?) I’d never leave critical feedback on food left in the break room, ever!

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      Maybe a more specific note–“I’m trying to make a dairy-free version of a childhood favorite; feedback and advice appreciated” might garner more useful feedback. Though it depends heavily on your office personalities and their food knowledge.

      It’s free food, though, and the standard there is to not look a gift horse in the mouth. Plus “These cookies are a) free, b) right here, unlike all other snack options available to me, so these are great” is honest feedback. You can just track how fast the food vanishes. (Thus do I evaluate the pastas I send to my son’s sport team–if none comes back with him after the party, I keep sending that recipe.)

    3. Middle School Teacher*

      We used to have a secretary who would do it all the time. We got the free food so we were happy to be her test subjects :)

    4. Lucy*

      My OldJob was the kind of place where this was absolutely acceptable – you could leave trial versions in the kitchenette and then email round “experiment chocolate cake in 3rd floor kitchen (vegan, no nuts in recipe) – please let me know what you think” and by 2pm the plate would be scraped clean.

      That said, I think people were too polite to say anything actually critical. They might have said something like “this version is lighter than last week” but they wouldn’t have said “this is a bit heavy” the week before.

      How quickly do celebration cakes or leftover meeting sandwiches tend to last in your office? If they go quickly I would say it’s probably safe to try it once, but be very open about what you’re doing.

    5. Parenthetically*

      You know, this is going to be so culture-dependent! I had a coworker who ALSO loved to cook and we brought stuff in specifically for each other to taste… I’d say regularly — a couple dozen times I reckon in the time we worked together. And we tasted each other’s breakfasts or lunches more like weekly. Feedback like, “Hmm, I think it could take quite a bit more ginger” or “Yeah, chicken thighs next time, the breasts got a little dry” was always most welcome.

  26. ATX Language Learner*

    Looking for some good shows in this style: CIA espionage (Homeland, Hana, Jack Ryan), murder/detective/thriller (The Killing, The Fall, Dexter), con artistry drama (Sneaky Pete).

    Tried The Americans but can’t get into it. I’ve watched about 5 episodes of season 1.

    Tried The Wire but also can’t get it into it, although I’ve heard it’s worth it.

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      Welcome to the dozen or so people who tried the Wire and couldn’t get into it.

      For light and breezy con artistry I like Leverage and White Collar.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        For detective I really love Justified. Great work with even minor characters, each of whom feel like they are starring in their own TV series that just happens to have intersected the main character’s this week.

        Spy: Alias and Nikita. Haven’t watched the former in quite a while. Despite an illogical third season I really liked Nikita in part because they actually changed things up–Team Nikita was one person when she started and grew over time, which is a logical yet surprisingly rare take on how you have a revolution.

      2. CC*

        Yes for leverage and white collar! This is what I watch for a pick me up and generally, a happy ending. Also castle!

    2. TheFacelessOldWomanWhoSecretlyLivesinYour House*

      If you can find casa de papel , it’s great. (Season two was called the money heist.)

    3. Fey*

      Killing Eve
      The Victim
      The Bay
      The Cry
      The Replacement
      Happy Valley
      The Night Of
      Escape at Dannemora

      I can’t get into The Wire either but I really want to!

      1. DataGirl*

        YES! was also going to suggest Leverage, it’s the best. I saw someone mentioned White Collar, that’s great too.

        For espionage stuff there’s The Enemy Within (season 1 just ended) or Quantico (season 1 was great, then it went downhill). Madame Secretary isn’t directly about the CIA but has similar themed plots. Alias and Nikita are much more far fetched but again similar themes. Numbers is awesome but about the FBI. Criminal Minds is also FBI but pretty gruesome. If I binge watch it I get nightmares. NCIS and all it’s spinoffs deal with military crimes and have a great deal of espionage too.

        Detective stories: Sherlock, Elementary, Wallander, Luther, Murdoch Mysteries, Death in Paradise, Broadchurch, The Fall, Ripper Street… Really there are tons. Good watching!

    5. Handy Nickname*

      Dead to me is fantastic. It’s… kinda of a little bit of all those, but not quite anybody then. Wasn’t what I expected but I was hooked and finished it all the same night.

    6. rider on the storm*

      – Line of Duty (UK)
      – The Bridge (Sweden/Denmark) There is also a French/UK version called The Tunnel but I haven’t seen it to recommend it
      – Spiral (France)
      – Crossing Lines (Ger/Ita/Fra/US)

      Spiral and The Bridge are subtitled.

      1. Thursday Next*

        I recommend the Tunnel—I’ve only seen the first season. (Season #2 starts with a plane crash, so I’m out.)

        1. Mari M*

          Seconding the rec for the first season of The Tunnel… and couldn’t watch S2 for the exact same reason.

    7. Anono-me*

      I like the British series called New Tricks. It’s not as dark and edgy as some of the shows you mentioned , but it does have the murder mystery aspects. There no new episodes but I think there were like 10 or 11 seasons.

    9. CAA*

      I like Unforgotten, which is about cold case detectives. It’s a British show that PBS runs on Masterpiece, but it’s also available on Amazon.

      1. Thursday Next*

        A new season is coming up on PBS! I liked the detectives’ characters a great deal.

    10. VlookupsAreMyLife*

      For the love of all that is holy, do NOT watch Covert Affairs! We muscled thru all 5 seasons. And it just kept getting worse & worse.

      I had high hopes for both The Americans and Narcos, but neither really did anything for me.

      Bosch on Amazon Prime is pretty good, especially if you’re a fan of the books.

      I also really liked Damages with Rose Byrne & Glenn Close. Each season has it’s own plotline, so I didn’t get bored. More of a legal dramas but heavy on crime/corruption/scandals.

      If you’re at all interested in legal dramas, Better Call Saul is a great spinoff of Breaking Bad but without the gratuitous violence. The character development is really fantastic and you don’t have to have seen BB to watch it.

      Next up for me: American Crime, HANNA, Sneaky Pete Season 3.

    11. Nessun*

      Miniseries (6 eps or so), The Night Manager – BBC production iirc, and it is phenomenal. Based on the Le Carre novel.

    12. LK*

      Imposters! It’s a fun con artist-y show on Netflix. I wound up binging the entire thing after finals week was over!

    13. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I have to agree with all of the recommendations for Leverage (full disclosure: I am totally biased as that’s where my user name comes from), Justified, and Bosch. Leverage and Justified are two of the shows I will watch over and over.

    14. Parenthetically*

      I tried The Americans and couldn’t get into it either. I recognized it as objectively really good, but it just didn’t grab me. Same with How to Get Away With Murder, and Scandal.

      My watchlist skews heavily Brit for detective stuff especially:
      Unforgotten (new to me, EXCELLENT and very twisty cold-case)
      Broadchurch (TW: seasons 1 and 2 focus on the death of a child)
      The Bletchley Circle (one of my favorite shows of the past decade, just such a great premise)
      Prime Suspect (this is a classic for a reason)
      Endeavour (technically a prequel to Inspector Morse, but I’ve never watched a second of Morse and still loved it. Very moody.)
      Luther (Dark, dark, dark. Darker than The Fall, IMO)

      1. Eleanor Shellstrop*

        Seconding Broadchurch!! Great show, very twisty turny and some excellent characters. Reminds me a lot of The Killing actually.

    15. Lemonwhirl*

      Happy Valley – a police drama set in Yorkshire. Not sure if it’s still on Netflix, but that’s where I watched it.

      Love/Hate – an Irish gangland drama. No idea how/where you’d be able to get this one, but it’s one of those things that practically all of Ireland was glued to when it was on.

    16. Pharmgirl*

      I just discovered Babylon Berlin 0n Netflix and am loving it! Also watched Fallet on Netflix recently and enjoyed it.

    17. Curiosity thrilled the cat*

      Some suggestions- most are British, but are available on Netflix. (Sorry if these have been mentioned already.)

      Broadchurch, The Fall, Happy Valley, Bodyguard (British show, not the movie), Secret City (Australian),

      Hustle (Not on anymore: British show, similar to Leverage, my library has it on DVD and it’s really good.)

      1. Curiosity thrilled the cat*

        There is also a really good Italian show called “Anti-Drug Squad” (Caccia al re – La narcotici (original title)). It’s not on anymore, but it’s worth watching as well.

  27. Lego My Eggo*

    I’m several years post-college graduation and have two friends who dated each other in college, both female, Emma and Katie. I’m pretty close friends with Emma, more distant friends with Katie. Both of them live several states away from me now and both were two years ahead of me in college. I became closer friends with Emma when she dated someone in my year, a girl she’s now married to, and is someone I actively strive to hang out with. Katie is someone I haven’t seen in years but is an old college friend that we like to share social media comments back and forth.

    While I never knew the details of their relationship, wasn’t even friends with either of them when they were dating, Emma has made it very clearly that Katie was abusive towards her and wants nothing to do with Katie. She’s made comments, in person and on social media, about being angry that other people in our social circle are still friends with Katie though they supposedly know the details of what happened between them.

    I don’t know the actual details of what happened between, only that Emma wants nothing to do with Katie. But being friends with both of them on social media, I feel guilty when both respond to the same post so that Emma sees I’m still friends with Katie. Honestly I’m not sure I’ll ever hang out with Katie again outside of a someone else closer to Katie organizing a big gathering, especially with her living room elsewhere, so should I just ditch her as a social media friend to appease Emma?

    Note than both are the kind of people to carry a grudge and would notice who is friends and chatting with each other on social media so I don’t think this is an issue of me overthinking things and more that I want to be on Emma’s side even if Katie never gave me reason to doubt her.

    1. ATX Language Learner*

      From my perspective unfriending someone on social media won’t solve the problem.

      1. Sam Sepiol*

        Maybe not in general, but in this situation and purely for the OP, I think it really would. Can you expand?

        1. ATX Language Learner*

          Because the problem doesn’t lie within her being friends with Katie on FB, the issue is her past relationship with Emma and no unfriending of anyone will make that better. FB is not a real friendship.

          1. Sam Sepiol*

            But that’s nothing to do with OP. That’s Emma’s and Katie’s issue and lego my eggo can back far away from it by unfriending Katie.

    2. Penguin*

      If you’re “not sure [you’ll] ever hang out with Katie again outside of… a big gathering” then what do you have to lose by unfollowing or unfriending Katie?

      Do you disbelieve Emma, that Katie abused her? Because if you DO believe her, then ethically the thing to do is act in such a way as to SHOW that you believe her, namely by ceasing to interact with her abuser.

      Abuse is… not really a thing where one can be “neutral”. Attempting to “stay out of it” means tacitly endorsing the status quo, which- given the power imbalances between abused and abuser- usually means supporting the abuser, if only by refusing to support the abused.

      Unless you think Emma is lying, then support her by respecting her and her trauma- stop treating her abuser like a friend.

      1. valentine*

        Because if you DO believe her, then ethically the thing to do is act in such a way as to SHOW that you believe her, namely by ceasing to interact with her abuser.
        I agree with this.

        It sounds like you’re trying to have it both ways and not have anybody potentially mad at you. As you don’t feel Katie’s a threat, what do you have to lose by cutting contact? Some abusers strategecally keep people onside by treating them well so they can later use them as character witnesses against their targets. If Katie’s an abuser, do you really want to even appear to be her character witness? You overwhelmingly favor Emma and her wife, so why not do as much as you can in that direction? Why keep hurting them?

    3. Emily*

      I’m with Penguin in this case. If you believe Emma about the abuse and aren’t that close to Katie, do you really want to be friends with your friend’s abuser?

    4. Not A Manager*

      I don’t agree that you always have to cut someone out of your life because of vague claims of abuse in a different relationship. I think a lot of that is very relationship-dependent and context-dependent.

      In this case, though, the stakes seem pretty low if you cut your social media ties to Katie. You’re actual friend with Emma and her wife, and you want to foster that relationship. If that means not letting Katie comment on your social media posts, it’s a small price to pay.

    5. Sam Sepiol*

      I mean, if I was Emma, I would have blocked Katie, so I might see from context there are comments I can’t see (maybe) but wouldn’t see the actual comments. (This is how I deal with the fact my abusive ex is in Facebook groups I’m in for my kid’s school).

      But honestly given everything you’ve said – I’d just unfollow Katie and put her in my restricted list so she stopped seeing me but we were still friends, then after a few months defriend. I agree with the other comments about not being able to stay neutral. Not picking a side is kind of picking a side, when you are close to the putative abused party and not to the abuser.

  28. Lucky Penny*

    When you volunteer your time places, do you usually do it alone or with friends/family? I found an organization that does monthly volunteer days that conclude with them providing food and liquor to the volunteers for their hard work. It sounds like fun and I’d like to go, but my first thought was to see if anyone wanted to come with me. Maybe it’s the social element afterwards with food and drink, but it seems odd to invite people to work their Saturdays away. Just curious if you consider volunteering a group activity or a solo one.

    1. DataGirl*

      If my friends/family were into volunteering is definitely enjoy the company. But they aren’t so I do almost everything solo. I can be a way to make new friends.

    2. Weeping Willow*

      I think it depends on the activity. I do a lot of volunteer work with my local Habitat for Humanity. If I’m volunteering to help build a house, that’s a lot more fun with a friend. But if I’m updating their database, that’s a solo gig.

    3. Loopy*

      I do my volunteering solo since no one’s schedule works as consistently as mine. But it’s really social and enjoyable and I have never thought of it as working my Saturday away. It’s something I would have consisted as a career in the past and I truly enjoy the people and work :)

  29. Overeducated*

    Is anyone else uncomfortable with the increasingly widespread references to “toxic people”? In other contexts I see a lot of efforts to not identify people’s substance with qualities or behaviors (e.g. “people with disabilities” instead of “handicapped,”) or avoid dehumanizing language (e.g. “undocumented immigrants” vs “illegal aliens”). Toxicity is an inherent quality of a substance, not a choice like behaviors. It seems like calling people that is writing them off AS people, which goes beyond the definite necessity of drawing boundaries and objecting to unacceptable behaviors, but I see it a lot among people who are concerned with sensitivity in language. What’s up with this, am I missing something? I still see this more online than in person so I’m just wondering.

    1. Washi*

      I’m not uncomfortable about the specific reason you mention – to me saying that you’re distancing yourself from toxic people isn’t any different than saying you’re distancing yourself from annoying people. To me, if people started using like, “toxins” that would be dehumanizing, but describing someone as toxic isn’t offensive.

      That said, the term toxic has lost a lot of its punch to me. I would only use it for incredibly egregious behavior, and I wouldn’t even say that I have any toxic people in my life at all, maybe ever. It’s like “abusive” – not a word I would throw around willy nilly. But as it’s gained mainstream acceptance, I feel like it’s gotten a bit diluted and I’ve heard people use it to describe behavior that I would have just said was rude or crass.

      Basically, I’m not offended by it, but I also don’t really find much reason to use it.

      1. Observer*

        I think you make a good point about the overuse of the word – of the word abuse, as well.

    2. dumblewald*

      It doesn’t bother me because it’s usually used to describe people with terrible behavior. It’s not a signifier for any sort of demographic (immigrants etc.). It’s just a way for someone to articulate whether a situation they’re in or someone they know is causing them long term emotional stress, which is helpful.

    3. fposte*

      I don’t know I’m disturbed per se, but I agree with your underlying point. I think it’s part and parcel of a current cultural tendency toward black and white thinking, which I don’t like. (It doesn’t help that the media *loves* this tendency and amps it up–think food and diet research clickbait.) I’m not a fan of “garbage person” either, for similar reasons. We are all somebody’s toxic person.

      That’s why I thought the pettiness thread was so fascinating–it illuminated how people could perform an act that would lead to somebody writing in to AAM in horror about their co-worker and still feel completely justified.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Sincere question. I am putting it under reply to fposte because she will know I am asking an actual question. What do we call these folks that we need to just stay away from?
        I am thinking of people who have really suffered because of another person’s abuse.

        1. smoke tree*

          I know you didn’t address this to me, but in the context of abuse, I wouldn’t criticize someone for using whatever language they find most helpful to get through the situation. It’s more in general analyses of these kind of behavioural patterns where I think it’s probably more beneficial to focus on toxic behaviours rather than toxic individuals. (Also, as with all phrases like this, I think there is the risk that it will eventually get watered down to the point of meaninglessness, where everyone you happen to disagree with or find mildly annoying becomes “toxic.”)

          1. Overeducated*

            Yes, I agree, if (for example) someone used it to describe people who’ve hurt them here I would never jump into comments to police their language. I was hoping raising the abstract discussion would not hurt anyone’s feelings.

          2. fposte*

            Yes, it’s that last thing that I see more often than I’d like. It’s oversimplifying to opt for “because I have a bad reaction to something or someone, they’re toxic.” Or, as you suggest, you *can* frame things that way but it therefore makes “toxic” meaningless because everything and everybody has elicited a bad reaction at some point.

            To NSNR–I don’t have an easy answer for that question; it’s not like I’m saying in some quasi-religious way that we must never name the person as bad. But I think that people who are abusive can be called abusive, and people who commit crimes can be referred to by the name of the crime. If somebody tells me their ex was an abusive thief, I have a clearer and more convincing picture than I do if they just call him “toxic.” I also think it’s common for a relationship to bring out the worst in both people without either of them being inherently bad; I think often it would be more accurate to say “I’m leaving my toxic relationship” than “I’m cutting off my toxic friend.”

            And I also do think it shuts off somebody’s humanity, which I hate to see a rush to. I think of the behaviors OPs here have engaged in in their own letters. We’ve had somebody deliberately bite a person; somebody whose anxiety drove them to show up at a co-worker’s house and frighten them to the point of a restraining order; somebody whose high-school behavior left such a mark on an agemate that years later that person blackballs their hire, and so on. I think these kind of people can get called toxic, but I think when you have more information about them and their feelings you can see that they’re more than that behavior. If you reduce them to “toxic” then there’s no potential for anything else for them, but we see repeatedly people on AAM who’ve been spiraling down pretty far who then work their way to better things. I don’t for a minute mean that victims of bad behavior need to let it all go and be happy with these people again, but I also think that the reasons we damage people are complicated, and I’d like to avoid a term that suggests we could never get better.

            1. Observer*

              Well, some people are toxic and then change. I don’t think that the term implies an immutable trait. But it does imply a pattern that is more pervasive than naming specific behaviors is. “abusive” is one of the exceptions, but that’s because that’s also not really about specific behaviors but behavior patterns.

              It’s also badly overused in much the same way toxic is overused, in my opinion.

              1. smoke tree*

                As fposte says, I think it’s always going to be more convincing to describe specific actions than to use a label anyway. I think there is a depth of nuance to interpersonal relationships that tends to get flattened out in these discussions. Two individuals can develop a toxic relationship without necessarily being toxic people–a lot of behaviour is situational. On the other hand, I can appreciate that for someone who is trying to escape an abusive or otherwise unhealthy situation, it’s often easier in that context to employ some black and white thinking for yourself.

            2. Not So NewReader*

              Quasi-religious:
              You know sometimes it goes beyond religious beliefs. There are just some situations that are not acceptable, period. Turn the other cheek is NOT the answer because the person could end up dead or reduced to a shell of a human being because of using that advice. I no longer believe that turning the other cheek is appropriate advice for many situations. I don’t think we are supposed to allow ourselves to be rendered into something less by another person. What is the point of a life, if we allow ourselves to be made into mashed potatoes on a routine basis?

              Going the opposite way, labeling someone as toxic can be a crutch, as in “Can’t fix this so I am (or, “society is”)off the hook here. I (we) don’t have to do anything to help. There. Done thinking about that.” Or even worse, “I am not responsible for my actions that contributed to this other person’s high level of discomfort.”
              Unfortunately, we are all stuck on this planet together and we are all interwoven and interconnected. That is reality.

              Right now I am watching a father grieve his son. Oh, the son is still alive, but the son is so very lost. The courts and the counselors have deemed the son unrehab-able. I think this is in part due to the limits of our knowledge of how to help a person climb up out of their disarray. In this story here, Dad is waiting for one of two things: re-imprisonment or death. There are things worse than funerals and this is one of them: the slow unraveling of a life.

              I think at some point we have to start insisting that our systems do better than what they are doing.

              IRL, I won’t go near the son. I can’t afford to get caught up in his stuff. Dad is okay so the best I can do is be a supportive friend to Dad.

          3. Parenthetically*

            (Also, as with all phrases like this, I think there is the risk that it will eventually get watered down to the point of meaninglessness, where everyone you happen to disagree with or find mildly annoying becomes “toxic.”)

            Yeah, this is exactly what I’ve seen happening! “Cut toxic people out of your life” becomes “cut anyone out of your life if they dare to criticize your weight-loss-tea MLM ‘career'” or “cut people off who push back against any of your choices in any way.”

        2. Overeducated*

          Depending on the circumstance, an abusive person, a person you need to stay away from, a person who’s treated you terribly, maybe? The need to stay away from someone for good is not something I am questioning. But I’ve also seen “toxic” used in contexts like “my coworker who complains all the time” so I don’t think it’s unambiguous.

          1. Observer*

            That’s a problem, but that’s not about whether “toxic” is about who the person is vs what the person does.

            It’s about over-reacting in general. And using language way too strongly. It’s like the over-use of the word abuse.

        3. Not So NewReader*

          Thanks, all. I appreciate.

          FWIW, working in human services I clearly saw that many abusers were abused themselves. Younger me never realized how abuse can be a circle like that and so often.
          It does not make it right, nooo, don’t mistake this for something else. But I often wondered how we break the legacy. It’s such a powerful stronghold.

          All this insight did help me with stuff at work, but that is another post.

          1. fposte*

            I’ve been thinking a lot about your post last week, about how there was just a day of the week where the parent beat the kids as part of the routine. If you grow up with that and the people you know all do that, it’s really hard to find a new way on your own. I’m amazed that so many of our parents did manage to find a better way than they grew up with, frankly.

            1. Not So NewReader*

              Yep. It’s a show of strength, intelligence and a bunch of other things.
              Even now when I think of my father at his worst with his running temper, I can still see that little boy saying, “Parents. do you love me?”, and not getting an answer or hearing the answer of NO. As much as I can say my father was unfair at times, I can also say that he climbed his own Mt. Everest to move above what he knew/saw. There was no how-to manual either. It really tugs at the old heart strings.

              That dual thinking what do we do with stuff when we understand where it comes from but what is happening currently isn’t right either. It’s like trying to jump the Grand Canyon from a standing start. The only semblance of an answer I have ever found is, “It might not be the right time to fix it because the person is not ready. Or you may not be the person who is supposed to help fix it.” This is a hard answer to swallow.

          2. Good luck with that*

            Re: breaking the cycle of abuse
            My parents chose not to allow my mother to spank me (or worse) because her father used to “beat her with the razor strop” (her words). It was all “Wait until your father gets home.”
            He had been subject to corporal punishment, too, but just the way anyone was in that generation. (Born 1912) He wasn’t angry when he punished me, which made a huge difference.

        4. pancakes*

          Surely the most fitting language depends on why one needs to stay away. “Toxic” is imprecise because it covers such a wide range of different behaviors and mindsets. It’s applied to people who are spiteful, vindictive, angry all the time, acting out all the time, self-pitying, belligerent, manipulative, untrustworthy, excessively or aggressively self-regarding . . . I’m sure I’m leaving a few out. And these behaviors and mindsets don’t necessarily occur in isolation, they might coexist in a particular person, or alongside other characteristics that make them difficult to be around. Regressive politics, ascetic or puritanical religious views, etc.

      2. Observer*

        I don’t agree that “we are all someone’s toxic person.” But it doesn’t really matter. If someone’s behavior is such that the behavior is toxic and suffuses the relationship, then it’s fair to call that person toxic. Maybe that person is not universally toxic, but they certainly are toxic to “you”.

        One can use the term “toxic” for a person without being in the trap of black and white thinking. There are situations where high levels of nuance are not really relevant or useful. Say you are in a relationship with someone who makes you cry every time you have an interaction with then. That person is toxic (to you at least). And there is not a lot of nuance to be had there.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          I do agree that I have to go think about this- “we are all someone’s toxic person”.

          So far I can agree that we are all “an irritant to somebody”. If I am honest with myself then I must acknowledge that I have ticked some people off permanently. That person is going to stay out of my path for the rest of my life. It would be superficial to ignore WHY this happened.

          In some cases, I can sit smugly and say, “Well Jane wanted a friend who would sit and do drugs with her. I won’t, so, phew, glad that friendship is over.” It’s shallow of me not to realize that Jane’s story goes on even though I am not there to see. Jane is in pain, hopefully, the right person will come along who WILL effectively help her. I was probably a toxic person or at least an irritating person to Jane because I stayed out of the drugs and she felt implied pressures because of my abstinence. Jane was probably glad to be shed of me also.

          There is always a bigger and bigger picture to consider.

          1. Observer*

            So far I can agree that we are all “an irritant to somebody”.

            But this goes to the very real danger of over-using a given word. “Irritant” and “Toxic” are not the same thing, and shouldn’t be used as such.

            1. fposte*

              Right, and that’s another problem for me–since there’s no fixed definition for toxic, and people use it in situations where it doesn’t mean that much, I basically hear it as “I don’t get along with this person.” It may be for reasons why I wouldn’t get along them either or it may not; it may be because they committed a crime or because they wouldn’t support an MLM. Usage just isn’t enough to make the term less broad.

              Actually, now that I think about it, I mean “problem” in the mathematical sense; since the use is not usually something that comes with an actionable expectation, it doesn’t really matter what my understanding of it is.

    4. Anon Anon Anon*

      I agree. We could do better. We’re really talking about behavior with toxic effects. “Toxic people” is basically name-calling, which is a toxic act itself, so it’s all kind of hypocritical and ironic. There must be another short-hand out there that would work better.

    5. smoke tree*

      This is an issue that I often have with language used in social justice-oriented spaces. It can be very difficult to thread the needle of holding people accountable for bad actions without engaging in the kind of us vs. them thinking that often leads to the need for these discussions in the first place. On the one hand, I appreciate the need to identify people in your life who it’s healthiest to avoid, and it can be helpful to have language to express that. On the other hand, I feel like when it’s used more generally, this language contributes to drawing focus away from behaviours and social patterns and toward placing blame on individual bad actors. On the whole, though, I don’t think this particular use bothers me as much as others, because it is more grounded in personal experience.

      1. fposte*

        Right, and I’m never going to say to somebody “You can’t call your ex toxic!” Call them whatever you please; it’s your relationship to define and no skin off my nose.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        Thank you for this.
        Since I don’t use the terms willy nilly, I guess I was not aware that the terms were getting used in a sloppy (or worse) manner. Society has done this with other terms also. Words get overused and applied in ways that have nothing to do with the original use of the word. This makes the word empty/meaningless.

        Perhaps one of the things we need to consider is how do we express that we see a person underneath all the issues. I know of two people who will put up with nasty, nasty stuff from their brothers because they see the person underneath the mean mouth. One of the two people recently lost his brother. The bro never stopped using the mean words. Somehow it made the bro’s passing even harder. Surviving brother knew and understood why his brother was like that, but surviving brother was not able to stop it. In the end, the brother who passed had become their father, the very person the deceased brother wanted to get away from.

        I like the idea that we work at remembering there is a person underneath the easy to see issues.

        1. smoke tree*

          I agree, I think online especially it becomes easy to suggest dumping boyfriends or cutting family members out of lives, when everyone involved feels so abstract. I hesitate to say it, but I also think this rush to pin labels can also shut down productive conversation, when certain gatekeepers seem more intent on catching someone out in a poor wording choice than facilitating a meaningful discussion. But I realize that exact argument is often made by people who don’t want to take responsibility for educating themselves and learning not to say misinformed things. And I do appreciate when outright bigoted speech is shut down. So it’s a hard balance to strike, for sure.

    6. Windward*

      I’m with you, and agree with fposte about the problematic increase in black and white thinking. I’m all for calling out bad behaviour, and (to partially answer NSNR) for avoiding people who are bad for us entirely. But to label individuals toxic seems to obviate their ability to change their behaviour and perhaps become people we would trust and appreciate. Doesn’t mean those folks will choose to do so, but few people make happy choices that lead them to terrible behaviours. At this point in my life it’s easier, for me, to look at the behaviours as ways to determine whether or not I want to be around individuals rather than condemning individuals as people in my own mind or words. I’ve met some people who have turned their lives around in astonishing ways. I’d rather help leave the door open for that than slam it closed, with the caveat that some behaviours must be stopped in order to keep that door open.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        I think that part of the problem is people start with “science can’t fix this” and jump to “therefore they cannot change their behavior”.

        That is a huge leap, because we just don’t know.

        And indeed, we don’t have to go too far to find folks who have done an exemplary job of redirecting their lives. We have some of those people right here.

    7. My cat is my alarm clock*

      I can’t describe my parents as abusive because I will freak out and start dissociating. Toxic is a word I can cope with using. I don’t really care about the linguistic ins and outs.

      1. Running start*

        I sometimes use words like toxic because I don’t want to go into the details. I might say I wasn’t close with my parents, or that my father was an asshole alcoholic, and I don’t want to have to justify my reasons. I’m not interested in having an in-depth analysis of my family of origin in the work breakroom.

        1. pancakes*

          Good point, I suppose it is a good euphemism for all sorts of very problematic behavior in those circumstances. Or on a first or second date, or chatting in other casual situations. There are a lot of social situations where it would be too intimate too soon or too dour to get into alcoholism, drug dependence, compulsive lying, personality disorders, etc.

          1. pancakes*

            (I don’t mean to imply anything about 3rd dates being an important marker in any way, just meant to give examples of casual situations!)

    8. Sparkly Lady*

      I’m not uncomfortable with it in theory, but I’m uncomfortable with how I see it used in practice. In a lot of my social circles, I’m seeing a move towards a binary, rigid approach to dealing with people as either Bad or Good. Toxic people are Bad and can never become Good, so social shaming and ostracization is the only way to deal with them. There’s little distinction made between toxicity and genuine abusiveness, or that one person’s toxic may be another person’s boundary setting.

      1. pancakes*

        People can be genuinely abusive, though, physically or emotionally or both, without every acquaintance of theirs having an accurate sense of how pervasive the abusive behavior is. It sounds more like you’re upset about particular people being unjustly ostracized, in your view, than by the language around toxicity being too fuzzy. If that makes sense. I mean, it sounds like the problem is with people being shunned in circumstances you think are unfair, and you’re trying to rebrand it a bit by saying other people’s standards are too rigid. Whether their standards are or aren’t rigid, if they object to particular behavior that doesn’t bother you, you’re not all going to be equally content to spend time with people who engage in that behavior.

        1. LGC*

          I actually…kind of agree with Sparkly Lady. My read on the situation – and it’s something I’ve had to deal with IRL – is that…sometimes, it feels like the decision to associate with a person who did a Bad Thing is a value judgement on you. That is, it’s not so much about whether the person themselves is a Bad Person, but whether you yourself are a Bad Person by association. And that can be a lot to take on.

        2. Sparkly Lady*

          This is a heck of a lot of reading into things I never said: “I mean, it sounds like the problem is with people being shunned in circumstances you think are unfair, and you’re trying to rebrand it a bit by saying other people’s standards are too rigid.” It also blithely dismisses what I actually said.

          I meant what I said. If I had meant something else, I would have said something else.

    9. BelleMorte*

      I try to refer to it in terms of the relationship. i.e. toxic relationships rather than people. Relationships can change over time, but if you identify a person as toxic there is no room for growth later should you need it.

      1. pancakes*

        That seems arbitrary. I can easily imagine circumstances where it could indeed be situational — someone who is an alcoholic or drug dependent, for example, could get sober and be capable of not-toxic relationships with people who once might’ve fairly described their behavior as toxic.

    10. Observer*

      When applied to people, toxicity IS about choices and behaviors. People are not toxic because they have a condition or quality. They are toxic because they have patterns of behavior that infuse an entire relationship. So that it’s no longer about drawing boundaries around specific behaviors but around the person as a whole.

  30. WellRed*

    Are you hiding the baby from everyone? How is that even possible? Congratulations!

    2. Sparkly Librarian*

      Sounds like this might have been for me. And, well, sort of. Social media blackout, no events or gatherings, off work (with my boss and boss’s boss knowing why I’m using FMLA), not leaving the house. The social worker visited, and my sister and parents came by because they know. It’s furtive and isolating and weird.

      1. pancakes*

        That does sound isolating. It seems like it would be helpful to discreetly tell a few trusted friends / another family member or two that you’re tentatively hopeful you’re finalizing an adoption and could really use some support. That would still maintain privacy on social media, which I do think is sensible, for just a little longer. If you do reach out to anyone, tell them to please keep quiet about it on social media until you’ve been authorized to share the good news.

      3. I don’t post often*

        @sparkly Librarian I can’t seem to find your original post. I’m waiting to adopt. I have been waiting almost two years. I told manager and Sr manager (I needed help with HR paperwork for homestudy) and I have told part of my team. My problem now is, I do many things that are undocumented within my department. I’m training one teammate to be able to catch things while I’m on FMLA, but much of my work is specialized. With those outside my team I’ve been using a “oh I need to document this/ cement this Incase I need to be out of the office during month end… or in case I hit the lottery you never know!” But I’m close with some of these people and it feels weird not to tell them… I’m super cautious because when my daughter was born, the company laid me off when I was 38 weeks pregnant. I don’t want to announce we are adopting with an unknown timeline because there are several re-organizations happening in the next year, and well… I’ve been burned once. (I was re-hires when daughter was 16 weeks old.). I was wondering how you dealt with the wait time during adoption?

        1. Sparkly Librarian*

          Hi! (Original thread here: https://www.askamanager.org/2019/05/weekend-free-for-all-may-25-26-2019.html#comment-2490768)

          We had a long wait and I changed jobs in the same organization during it; due to staffing turnover I’ve also had a handful of bosses in that time. I’ve been fairly open about being a hopeful/waiting parent, in part because there’s a large network of library staff and you never know how a connection will be made that might lead to a match. Also, we tend to talk about family stuff and I felt comfortable sharing that status (although not many details). But I also feel secure in my position and supported by my bosses. If you don’t have that, or your previous negative experience has colored your perspective, it makes sense that you’d opt out of telling everyone!

          In terms of informing people at work, I thought it was important that my supervisor(s) know for purposes of coverage. I have one extremely supportive boss in my current position, and I presented it to her after accepting the position as, “At this point I should share with you some personal news that you’ll need to know when you’re my manager. My wife and I are in a pool of waiting adoptive parents. We haven’t been matched yet, so it’s a bit like being pregnant without a due date. In most cases like ours, there’s a couple of months’ notice before a baby is born and placed with the adoptive family, but it could also happen very suddenly. I will give you as much notice as I can when a situation presents itself. As I transition, let’s talk about what kind of backup plan should be in place for when it’s time for me to take parental leave.” Sounds like you’ve done that part yourself. I don’t think you need to announce to anyone else until something happens, whether that’s a match with an expected due date or you choose to keep it under wraps until baby is home with you. Think of how pleased they will be to learn your good news! And how much better work will go with your extra documentation and backup staffing! I couldn’t do much about the staffing myself, but I proposed a multiphase leave that helps to cover some of the key work during our busy season. That manager has been very appreciative that I was prepared even with only a moment’s notice.

  31. Beaded Librarian*

    Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with my mother who is upset my sister won’t fly up to our brother’s high school graduation since her daughter started puking yesterday? They were supposed to drive but the puking nixed that and sine it looks viral my sister is opting to not spread it.

    My problem is my is a boundary pusher and is now complaining my sister doesn’t ever call (she doesn’t call me either we text) and doesn’t seem to like them. Hint: She doesn’t like our mom/ is limiting the chances of her being able to go damage to her family because of past history. My mom texted me saying she hopes we have a chance for a woman to woman talk and it’s making me a bit anxious. I’m dependent on them for transportation when I get up there and will be there for four days!

    1. Reba*

      Oof. All this relationship stuff can definitely be amplified around big life moments like a graduation!

      I would say that you need to resolve not to get in the middle of your mom and sister. “You need to talk with her about that” “I really can’t say how she feels, you will need to take it up with her” “I will not carry any messages from you to her” “You should know that I’m not going to be telling her about this conversation” “Let’s change the subject to something happy! Brother looks so good in his shiny robe!”

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      I would suggest a rotation of firm variations on, “She’s preventing all of us from getting sick; that’s the right thing to do.”

      With people like your mom I suspect there’s a tendency to say “Mmm” while she complains; laying out a polite, handleless “I am not engaging on this one with you; her choice was reasonable and responsible” will probably really surprise her, but she will eventually probably give up.

      (I am trying to gently prod my mom that, hey, if she still has the bronchitis in a week don’t get on a plane to come see us. In addition to her health there’s our health, and the fact that my family is going on vacation right after the graduation and we would rather not have bronchitis.)

      Also, my experience of graduations is that other people’s are more meaningful than one’s own, so I am confident that your brother isn’t fussed.

    3. Alex*

      Deflect as much as possible! Make it boring for your mom to complain to you. When she complains just make vague sounds. “Mmmhmmmm.” Or “sounds like you should talk to Sister about that.” “I know you’re upset but we’ll just have to have a nice time without Sister.”

      Also, try refocusing the conversation on your brother, since it’s his freaking day anyway, it’s not about your mom! (My mom is the Expert at making other people’s big days about her, I assume your mom also has this skill.” “Doesn’t Brother look handsome in his graduation gown!” “I’m so excited for (Brother’s post college plans.)” “I can’t believe Brother is so grown up!”

      1. Beaded Librarian*

        She is although she’s going on about how Brother is really down but trying not to show it that they can make it. It might be true but telling me that as a not so subtle way to try and pressure me to pressure my sister doesn’t help.

    4. Clisby*

      Your mother is expecting someone to *fly up* to a high school graduation???? I think I live in a parallel universe, where family members who live in the same town (or certainly no more than an hour’s drive away) might show up. High school graduation is no big deal.

      1. Beaded Librarian*

        Actually am already flying up myself and my layover is in the city my sister would have to fly out of. I think part of it is in her mind since they are offering to pay for her ticket she should do it.

        It’s the older of my younger brothers he has Down Syndrome and while he is very high functioning it’s pretty cool her graduating and has plans to go to college.

        1. Thursday Next*

          Oh, that makes a difference; I can see how his graduation might be especially meaningful to your mother.

          Is your brother upset your sister can’t come? Is your mom projecting that he’ll be upset?

          While I think ultimately you should go the disengagement route, I can see having one more conversation where you stress your sister’s good parenting, and conscientious sister-ing (she doesn’t want to get the new graduate sick!). And redirect your mom (and your brother, if necessary) to the people who do attend, and to your brother’s accomplishments and future plans.

      2. Book Lover*

        High school graduation is a very big deal, but if someone is sick they are sick – I doubt the graduate wants to get norovirus or whatever.

    5. Lilysparrow*

      For me, I’d focus on your niece – her grandchild, fcol.

      “Poor niece, I’m so glad she doesn’t have to travel and sit through a ceremony when she’s so sick. And honestly, I don’t want to get sick either.”

      For the other stuff about your sister, just bite your lip and try your best not to get sucked into triangulating about her. “Hmmmm” and “How so?” And “It sounds like you should talk to her about this,” are the way to go.

      It’s not going to be easy, because your mom knows how to push your buttons and draw you into these conversations. But do your best.

      Needing a lot of time in the bathroom, taking walks, and listening to a really great audiobook that you “just HAVE to hear the end of this chapter” are helpful, too.

      1. Beaded Librarian*

        Ooh thanks for the audiobook suggestion. I actually have one I’m listening to for the book club I help run for at our library for work and I do need to make sure I have it listened to. Bonus I’m really enjoying it even though it’s short.

    6. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      Do you HAVE to be dependent on them for transportation? I know my relationship with my father got much better after the time when, after a fight out someplace, I got in my car and drove to the beach rather than home to continue the fight (this was when I was living with him on either a summer break from college or shortly thereafter – I was definitely a legal adult and I don’t think he’d quite shifted his thinking about me accordingly yet). We get along better and better as I’ve gotten older, and a large part of that is that I am not dependent on him for money or transportation, so he can’t arbitrarily control my location or purchases if he doesn’t like my choices in those areas, but rather has to use his words to create a compelling argument about why I should or shouldn’t make a particular choice. (Sometimes he has a good point and wins the argument, and sometimes I do whatever-it-is anyway because I still want to, but either way we both understand that the choice resides with me now, which is what needed to happen.)

      Anyway, if Uber and/or Lyft are available wherever you’re going, you may want to keep that in mind as a possible “spontaneous separate cars” option. If this is where you grew up and you still have friends there, putting out feelers about whether any of them have younger siblings also graduating and will be attending with them may also give you some additional spontaneous transportation options.

      1. Beaded Librarian*

        My sister pointed out a rents would be a good idea and even offered to help pay for it. I didn’t take her up on it but I did decide to go ahead and get one. Thanks for pointing out why it’s a good idea to do it. And thank you for the alternate suggestions. I’m going to a largish city but not sure how much they have in the way of lyft or uber. But it’s definitely a good thing to remember for other situations.

        1. valentine*

          You’re going to have to choose between Mom and Sis. Your mom won’t accept anything less. As long as you’re placing yourself under her control (I hope you’re not staying with her or anyone else she might deputize to harass you), you’re choosing Mom.

          I assume you’re walking eggshells and the fine line to keep the peace, for whatever reason, but, unless you depend on Mom for food/clothing/shelter in your regular life, you can refuse to be deputized or interrogated about Sis, champion her right to do as she pleases, and say no more about it. You can also suggest that Mom will get better results if she backs off and lets Sis decide on the level and forms of contact. Tell her the alternative is nothing, not more/a return to the fold/Sis’ place under Mom’s thumb.

          If you’ve not read the Captain Awkward letter about Alice who rules her roost, it may ring some bells for you.

          1. Beaded Librarian*

            Oh honestly I firmly side with sister and thank goodness I’m in a hotel. Their place doesn’t have a spot to crash anyway. My mother is a hot mess to put it mildly. I try to limit contact with her myself but I try and be there for my brothers even though I don’t do a great job of it.

    7. Good luck with that*

      Hang on, your sister is staying home to take care of her sick child, and your mother thinks that’s wrong?
      The minute she started on that with me I would ask her whether she would have abandoned her children when they were sick.
      Not only would I not help guilt-trip your sister, I’d expand on the topic of how much I agree with Sister’s sense of responsibility, how much I think she’s being a really good mother, putting her child’s wellbeing ahead of her own pleasure, and so on. The more Mom complained, the more I would praise Sister.

  32. Penguin*

    Plant thread! How does your garden grow? Which weeds just won’t die? Discuss and commiserate with fellow botanically-inclined folks!

    1. Penguin*

      The wisteria is starting to bloom, most (but not all!) of the tulips are done, and the lilac is full and purple and lovely. Also, I found and pulled three second-year garlic mustard plants yesterday, so that seed bank is still producing, drat.

    3. Bluewall*

      Just repotted some yarrow last night; I hope it survives!

      I found some large round black disks at the scrap store. They’re plastic and have a mesh pattern. I put them on top of the soil on my tomato containers; hopefully that’ll keep the squirrels from digging in them. Still have to figure out some sort of fencing so that the squirrels don’t go after the fruit too.

    4. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      My peach tree has some kind of fungal something, red blisters on the leaves – like, ALL of them – and I am waiting (and waiting :P ) for the tree guy to call me back and tell me if there’s anything I can do about it or if it just needs replacing.

      My lawn is full of these broad-leafed prickly weeds that I don’t know how to get rid of, and they’re low, so the lawnmower just goes right over top of them and leaves them alone. OUCH.

      My front landscaping is somehow, god knows how, full of random vegetables that we didn’t plant. AGAIN. (That one’s not bad, just funny.) I was joking that between this year’s random green onions and last year’s random tomato plants that took over the front landscaping, all I need was peppers and I can have volunteer salsa, but the tomatoes haven’t come back this year. (Yet, at least. I keep hoping.)

      But I ate the first strawberry out of my hanging baskets yesterday, and it was delicious!!

      1. Penguin*

        Any chance those prickly weeds are thistles? Either a “dandelion weeder” (two-pronged tool for cutting/prying out a plant with a taproot) or a triclopyr herbicide (e.g. Garlon 3A) will probably take them out.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I have thistles elsewhere in the yard, but I think these are something different. I’ll compare though!

    5. HeyNonny*

      Cold wet spring is delaying the basil. The tulips were great, but are done as of yesterday. Still trying to kill the forking garlic chives.

    6. GoryDetails*

      (Southern New Hampshire area): Lots of flowering trees and shrubs, plus the assorted spring bulbs. (My favorites are the small ones, especially the intense blues and purples – scilla, grape hyacinth, dwarf irises etc.) Lovely aromas from the flowering crabapple and the (invasive but sweet-smelling) honeysuckle.

      As for vegetable gardening, I’m woefully behind; I generally have several intense-grow planters in place by now, with heirloom tomatoes and eggplant and sweet and hot peppers, plus some amount of squash, beans, and other strays in the garden beds. I expect I’ll be making a run to my favorite provider of heirloom-variety seedlings some time next week…

    7. fposte*

      I have a beautiful doublefile viburnum that is too small for the space I planted it in, and I have cleverly resolved the situation by deciding it gets to keep more space.

      And the peonies are continuing their reign!

    8. CatCat*

      Geraniums are still going gangbusters with flowers so that’s been nice :-)

      Herbs are all going strong (the only edibles we can grow in our north-facing container garden). I got to use some of our parsley this week in a salad and it was satisfying to go out there with the kitchen shears and harvest some. Tasted great!

    9. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I planted 44 plants yesterday and have 28 to go. Mostly perennials, but some herbs and container annuals too. I found a pink lupine this morning to go with the blue and yellow I planted yesterday. It looks like none of my lupine came back this year, as I had three last year plus I usually have a few volunteers pop up. My hollyhocks also didn’t come back. But, my peonies are very tall and I found a volunteer oriental poppy. Everything else will get planted tomorrow morning, very early to avoid the sun.

    10. Ali G*

      The fruit/veggie garden is all planted. Trying melon for the first time! But I am sad my milkweed didn’t bloom this year. I was hoping this year I would get blooms (it’s their second season). Maybe next year!

    11. NeverNicky*

      Mixed fortunes here (Eastern UK) The winter pansies are over after being amazing, my aquilegia look great, as does my Gertrude Jekyll rose (which smells divine). The snow-in-summer is a pest and swamping everything I planted this year and next door’s cat has been nesting in it… 《sigh》

      The birds are failing at controlling the slugs and snails so I’ve lost a couple of plants and the seeded bits of our wildflower lawn haven’t really taken.

    12. Elizabeth West*

      No garden currently but I’m having an issue with gnats in potted plants. Currently waiting (and swatting) until I can get some Mosquito Bits to water them with–I hear that helps.

      Yes, I tried hydrogen peroxide; no, it didn’t work.

    13. Annie's Mom*

      Midwest here– so much water lately, but even with all of that, I found 3 ferns that I planted last year finally popping up, and a peony bulb that I had given up on sprouted up like 4 inches overnight. It won’t do much this year, but once they are established, you’re usually good to go. Otherwise, tulips and daffodils are done (and I planted the last of the clearance bulbs in the bed today– 0.01 per bulb tulips from Walmart!), lilac is blooming. Some irises are almost done, and so are just abt ready to bloom. I’m waiting for the peony bushes to start blooming any day now.

    14. Rainy*

      Some of my strawberries bit it–we’ve had 3 hard freezes and a bunch of snow on 5-6 separate occasions since our “last frost” *hollow laugh*–but there are blooms on one of the ones that didn’t. My tomato seems to be recovering from having been crushed by snow, and the petunias are bouncing back. The mint and the pansies are bulletproof, of course.

    15. Tau*

      Despite a lot of stuff going on in my life right now I finally managed to make time to sort out my garden (= potted plants on the terrace, really, but who’s counting.) This was an experience that involved transporting 75l of earth on my bike and being rather afraid my trusty luggage rack would break, but all plants and materials made it back successfully.

      I picked a relatively random assortment of veggies to plant and will be curious to see what comes of them:
      – cherry tomatoes (these are a must for me)
      – snack bell peppers
      – zucchini/courgette
      – eggplant/aubergine
      – sweet potatoes
      In addition, all my strawberries from last year survived the winter – some barely, but some are already blooming like mad, so I’m hopeful there will be berries from that side of things.

      I do want a few flowers too, mind you! Last year I mixed the strawberries with flowers, but the flowers were all single-year and I’d planted them too close together, so this year I’ll just leave the strawberries alone in their pots… the result is however that I have barely any space for flowers :( The garden center had a few freaking gorgeous ones, including these fantastic hanging petunias that may make me see if I can somehow attach a hook to the balcony above me. And I may have to buy another container for just flowers as well… the question is really just how to find the time for it.

      1. Penguin*

        Gardens are whatever you make them! If a collection of plants in pots is your garden, then it’s a garden!

    16. The Other Dawn*

      I had my flower garden demolished a couple weeks ago, because I couldn’t handle the near-constant weeding of grass, poison ivy, vines, milkweed and whatever else was in there. It’s been two weeks and the damn milkweed is coming back!! I realize it’s not a weed and the monarch butterflies love it, but I don’t want it spreading and it’s in totally random spots. I’d love to know how to get rid of it for good.

    17. Loves Libraries*

      My plants are wilting in our Georgia heat despite much watering. I’m glad we are only dealing with early extreme heat and not tornadoes and flooding.

  33. KatieKate*

    Acid reflux help! I cannot figure out what’s causing it. I don’t spoke, I only drink socially, my diet hasn’t changed at all. I just picked up some heartburn meds from the drugstore but they don’t seem to be helping. I’ve made a doctors appointment but it’s not for a few weeks. Help me manage until then?

    1. BRR*

      Is there a way for you to prop up one side of your bed? That was a huge help for my husband. Also some nights were so bad he slept in a slightly reclined chair.

    2. Lcsa99*

      What OTC meds have you tried? If you’ve only tried stuff like tums, try zantac (lower strength first) if that doesn’t work, try prilosec. I think both you have to take every day but they do work and you should notice a difference by the second day.

    3. gecko*

      I started getting it–I changed my pillow orientation, made sure to eat something before drinking my coffee since coffee’s so acidic, and grinned and bore it for a while. Didn’t really do tums or meds. Good call on going to the doctor, though.

    4. HeyNonny*

      Is it worse at different times of the day? Nighttime? Before eating? Drink anything carbonated? Have relatives with reflux (ask them what they do, causes can run in families)?

    6. fposte*

      I think there’s a hopeful but faulty theory in there–the fact that you haven’t changed anything in your diet doesn’t mean there’s no dietary cause. So caffeine, including chocolate, is probably the first thing to take out of your diet if it’s in there. Keep in mind that even if that’s the irritating agent, quitting it won’t make you feel better immediately–it will probably take a few days.

      In the meantime, ranitidine or famotidine and Tums.

    7. Lena Clare*

      Spicy food makes my heartburn worse, as does sugary and processed fatty food like pastries, biscuits, or cakes, but cooking in oil and using oil on salads seem to be ok.

      Not eating too late at night. Eating upright, I.e. sitting at a table not curled up on the couch where your innards are all squashed up:) That’ll help.

      Some people report good results with ginger or mint tea. They didn’t work for me, but I’ve liked fennel and more bitter teas to calm my digestive system.

      What I also did, which I don’t know if you’re open to, is look at any causes in my personal life that might have led to a change in my physical self. I tried to attribute feelings to it and tried to work out what my body was trying to tell me.
      For me, it was anger at some BS that someone was trying to make me ‘swallow’ which was simply ‘undigestible’ to me.
      That helped greatly once I realised that and could take steps to stop it.
      YMMV.

    8. VlookupsAreMyLife*

      I have it so horribly some times that I can’t breathe & the pain makes me cry.
      Here’s what I’ve found aggravate it for me: stress!!!! When I am stressed, I am less able to tolerate the following:

      Eating within 3 hours of bedtime;
      Lying down/sitting on the couch too soon after eating;
      Strenuous exercise after eating;
      Eating mint, tomato sauce, garlic, alcohol, caffeine, high fat foods.

      When it flares up, I take Omeprazole daily and it makes things manageable, but it takes a day or 2 to build up in your system. I also recommend elevating the head of your bed 2-4″ (I used some old textbooks) and drinking LOTS of water throughout the day.

    9. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      If you have access to a free nurse advice line (my health insurance offers this as a benefit but I’m not sure how common that is), they may also have suggestions to tide you over until your doctor’s appointment. I’ve had good luck with mine giving good suggestions for soothing stomach bugs and things like that, although I’ve never asked about heartburn specifically.

    10. Elephant in the room*

      I gave up acidic foods including anything with tomato sauce (which used to make up a large part of my diet) and started walking after dinner. I also stopped eating after 6:30 PM. I hope you find something which works for you.

    11. Tennie*

      Just know that what triggers heartburn in others may not be your triggers. For example, coffee and spicy foods don’t hurt me at all but tea and salty foods will send it through the roof. It may take time and experimentation to figure out your triggers. Also, most meds will take at least a couple of days to help. Tums and the like don’t do a thing for me, but they might help short term for you. Good luck!

    12. Kama'aina Kitty*

      My triggers are caffeine (particularly brewed coffee), chocolate, carbonation, and alcohol. All things that never bothered me until I was about 40. Now, I can consume two per day from the above categories and feel okay, but if I start having three or all four every day (like when I’m on vacation), I get GERD attacks. YMMV. For coffee, I switched to decaf and started cold brewing it overnight; less acidic that way. I cut way back on chocolate, carbonated drinks, and alcohol. At the first sign of GERD, I take a Nexium (purple pill, now available OTC). I had a gastro guy tell me that all PPIs are basically the same, but his wife insisted that Nexium works differently and that he had to bring those samples home for her. I agree: Nexium works for me and the others are a waste of money.

    13. Blue Bunny*

      Things that help my severe GERD:

      Strictly consistent meal times
      Remaining upright for several hours after meals (no gobbling and then flopping down on the couch)
      Small portions, slow pace, careful thorough chewing
      Emphasizing protein and limiting simple carbs
      No fried or greasy foods, limited salt
      No artificial carbonation (soda and seltzer are bad, beer is okay)
      Drinking a ton of water (at least 4 liters a day, more if possible)
      Propping up for sleep

      Medication can also be an issue. Most OTC allergy/sinus pills give me horrible stomach pains.

      1. LCL*

        Thanks for posting that bit about OTC allergy medicine. I’m tired of explaining that allergy relief isn’t as simple as taking an allergy pill. I weigh how exhausted I am with allergies vs. if I am willing to put up with two days of gastric upset, whenever I think about taking an allergy pill.

    14. Star Nursery*

      Alot of the comments already shared have a good list of possible food and beverages that could be causing acid reflux issues. What about your stress level? At one point I was feeling too stressed status for too long of time (working too many hours for weeks, not getting enough sleep, worried, poor self care) and ended up starting to get insomnia issues, lost weight, felt like I couldn’t take deep breaths, chest felt tight, acid reflux and also what I think was an Ulcer. When my stomach started feeling like it was cold fluid and would not improve for days or with Tums. I made a lot of changes to de-stress, change jobs to a less stressful role, cut my hours back to closer to 40-43 /week, found ways to have fun and practice good self care. Overall worked on reducing stress, worry and anxiety. Drinking raspberry flavored Calms mixed with water helped. I think having a small amount of baking soda with water first thing in the morning, pulled back from spending time with certain family members (the ones that only raised my stress level) really helped! The acidic level in my stomach was off so things I could normally have were not ok at all during that period. At that point any alcohol or caffeine made everything worse! I think I had to eat really bland food for a while and tried a lot of suggestions for what to eat to avoid acid reflux / Ulcer.

    15. Ella Vader*

      I manage mine with Bragg’s Apple cider vinegar with mother, and my sister used it when she was pregnant with my nephew. It sounds nuts but does work. I took a coffee cup and put 2 tbs of acv, tbs of honey, and filled the rest with warm water and drank it all in one go. It’s not the best tasting thing, ngl, but it’s done wonders for my acid reflux.

    16. Unacademic*

      Just one more thing since no one else has brought it up – developing lactose intolerance (which can happen with age, since the point of being able to digest lactose is for babies to be able to drink breast milk) really kicked heartburn into gear for me. I had some other symptoms too, but the heartburn is still the first one to show up if I’m eating too much dairy.

      Things that help me, besides what’s already been mentioned: having my coffee a little later after eating, eating more slowly, not drinking tons of water with meals since that just fills your stomach up, and having rice with simple, easy to fishers veggies like zucchini.

    17. Jabberwonky*

      One word of caution when taking standard acid reducing pills, esp. if it’s for a prolonged period of time, is that it can contribute to anemia. I’ll spare you my long reflux saga that lasted about 2 years total but it led to me eventually becoming severely anemic (I had been assuming that my fatigue was due to poor sleep because of the reflux) and since the doctor’s couldn’t pinpoint a reason, I was researching possible causes out of desperation and acid reducing meds came up as a more obscure cause. My reflux is under control now as is my anemia but I don’t think the link is talked about much so wanted to show.

  34. Curiosity thrilled the cat*

    I went to the Retina specialist on Tuesday afternoon. They dilated my right eye and it lasted until yesterday afternoon! I called and the nurse said not to worry. 3 days! They said that they have weaker and stronger drops, but I’ve never had it last that long. Has anyone ever had anything similar?

    1. Falling Diphthong*

      My daughter used to be dilated more than a day. We switched eye doctors and the current one uses a very small amount of the dilation drug, and none of us have had this problem.

      We are all fair-skinned blue-eyed blonds, which the current eye doc said was the group who tend to have this problem.

    2. bibliovore*

      oy, the last time I had my eyes dilated it lasted 3 days. They told me I would be fine in a about three hours and I had a speaking engagement that evening. Looked really great under the bright lights in my over prescription glasses sunglasses.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      When I was a kid the doc dilated my eyes to the point where closing my lids did nothing. It was the same as if my eyes were open. I have never been so uncomfortable and scared. Everything was red, because of looking through my own eye lids. I ended up crying.

      Decades later I asked another eye doc about this. He said that the previous doc wanted instant dilation so he could move on to the next patient. I tend to believe this because I have never had such a horrible experience since.

  35. DataGirl*

    YES! was also going to suggest Leverage, it’s the best. I saw someone mentioned White Collar, that’s great too.

    For espionage stuff there’s The Enemy Within (season 1 just ended) or Quantico (season 1 was great, then it went downhill). Madame Secretary isn’t directly about the CIA but has similar themed plots. Alias and Nikita are much more far fetched but again similar themes. Numbers is awesome but about the FBI. Criminal Minds is also FBI but pretty gruesome. If I binge watch it I get nightmares. NCIS and all it’s spinoffs deal with military crimes and have a great deal of espionage too.

    Detective stories: Sherlock, Elementary, Wallander, Luther, Murdoch Mysteries, Death in Paradise, Broadchurch, The Fall, Ripper Street… Really there are tons. Good watching!

    2. Falling Diphthong*

      I really liked Nikita for its willingness to actually shake things up between seasons. The first episode of a season was not spent undoing all the “changes” that happened at the end of the previous season.

    4. Clisby*

      Yes, detective/police stories: Seconding Luther and Murdoch Mysteries. I also love Midsomer Murders.

        1. Miss Fisher*

          Love both. Acorn TV has a ton of great shows. I also love Father Brown, Frankie Drake, Agatha Raison and Doctor Blake. My favorite setting has to be Death in Paradise though. Such a beautiful place.

  36. Because why not*

    Hi all – I’m not sure what I’m looking for with this comment but this feels like a supportive space, so here goes.

    A semi-relative of mine (mom’s brother’s nephew by marriage) has been missing for a week after departing Indiana Dunes for a kayaking trip on Lake Michigan. Here’s a link to the latest news story: https://www.hometownlife.com/story/news/local/birmingham/2019/05/24/birmingham-grad-missing-lake-michigan/1224716001/

    My brother is close friends with his brother and has been keeping us updated with any news as the family continues to look for him, but all evidence points to the worst. I’ve been living in what feels like a state of suspended animation all week, obsessively checking the news, and generally feeling so helpless and unsure of what to do. In a situation like this, where his family don’t know (and may never know) what happened, and while hope continues to dwindle day by day, I’m finding it so hard to be present in my own life. I feel so terrible over the nightmare everyone is going through, but I don’t know what I can do to help and there’s no end in sight.

    I guess my question is twofold: One, does anyone in the area where Jacob went missing (near Indiana Dunes State Park, and anywhere on the Lake Michigan coastline) have any information or could possibly have seen him? And two, how can we weather this? I don’t know if or when they’ll ever find him, and I feel so guilty when I momentarily stop thinking about what’s happening or feel myself starting to move on, because his family is going through the worst time in their lives. There’s no social protocol for something like this (as there would be with a confirmed death, where at least there is the promise of closure). Any information, advice, and/or commiseration would be sorely appreciated. Love to all.

    1. Alex*

      Wow, that is so extremely hard. I don’t have any great advice, not having been in that situation, but I just wanted to tell you that it’s OK to stop thinking about him for a moment or participate in your own life while this is happening–it doesn’t mean you don’t care! It is a necessary response because moving on is survival, so please don’t beat yourself up about that.

      I hope he is found safe and sound, and I hope your family finds some peace.

    2. fposte*

      Seconding what Alex says. It can be hard to predict what kind of sadness or tragedy will particularly hit or derail us, and I think that when you are not, as discussed below, the first ring, that can make it harder to find ways to process it. I’m so sorry for this event ripping through your family. But if suffering could bring him back, he’d be home now–your suffering more isn’t a service, and it’s okay for everybody if you let other things in your life.

      1. spiralingsnails*

        This comment hits close to home. I had 3 easy pregnancies and now 3 wonderful healthy children. But over a dozen of my close friends have had miscarriages in the past decade, a few friends have struggled with hopeless infertility, a long-term adoption placement was cancelled, a cousin’s 13 year old died this spring, and recently 2nd-degree friends had their baby go from perfectly healthy to profoundly-disabled-nearly-dead in the span of a single gut-wrenching afternoon. Sometimes I ache so badly for them all. But my hurting doesn’t help anyone. So I blink back the tears, hug whichever kid is nearest, and try to do a good job savoring being a mother to the kids I have. Sometimes there is a concrete kindness I can show (donating to a GoFundMe, sending a sympathy note, being mindful of how I word my Mother’s Day posts) and I do it gladly. But mostly all I can do is focus on being and sharing the good in the world.

        1. fposte*

          Somehow I missed this. I’m in a bit of a similar position, so let’s share a big outer-ring virtual hug.

    3. MatKnifeNinja*

      Check out doenetwork dot org, and Charley project dot org.

      Both will list the family member. Because they have such a wide audience if the family member just “left”, you have a better chance of someone at least saying, “Hey, I saw him.”

      These two sites are near and dear to my heart. I have a mentally ill friend who dissapeared. It’s a horrible limbo state. You can’t really grieve, but moving forward feels wrong too. Once in a while there will be a tip, that someone saw her, but it’s never a really hard ID.

      Lake Michigan is deceiving. Many people (probably not this family member) think lake. It has rip tides, and extreme water. My relatives live Grand Haven, and it’s hard hearing about people who were killed and injured on the lake. The storms that just show up are unreal.

      I’m so sorry you and your family and friends are going through this. It’s the worse hell on Earth.

      1. TheFacelessOldWomanWhoSecretlyLivesinYour House*

        I agree. Lake sounds innocuous. The Great Lakes are actually inland seas and should be regarded as such.

      2. IntoTheSarchasm*

        Completely right – I live in northern lower Michigan in a lake town and it is amazing and powerful to watch a storm blow in. Last year we had a “seiche” which is sort of like a mini-tsunami or a “standing wave in an enclosed body of water.” Yep, had to look it up! It caused a wave up the river and wrecked several docks, city boat launches and some of the Riverwalk. No record of it occurring previously, at least in the last 150 years or so. I surely hope the best for you family.

    5. bunniferous*

      We lost a young man from our church last year -he was missing for a week first -and I truly do understand how horrible this limbo can be. I have no wisdom for you but I have all the hugs if you want them. I would not wish this scenario on my worst enemy.

    6. NewNameTemporarily*

      Please update if you can… going anonymous for this but happened in our family.
      VERY hard. I couldn’t bear to even hear of other folks with missing family members for a long time afterwards… it just brought back the agonizing of “not knowing” for the duration. Better now but empathetic… there are no words but you are not alone…. we are thinking of you here.

    7. Unacademic*

      I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I had a different kind of loss last year (coma, uncertain if recover will ever be possible) and found some sense of understanding when I came across the term ‘ambiguous loss.’ It helped a little to listen to some interviews with Pauline Boss, who came up with the term. Some of what she described about ambiguous loss was so familiar and it was a little comforting to realize I wasn’t going crazy but that the experience of this kind of grief can be different from other kinds. I felt like I was living in two completely different realities – this person is gone but not gone – and my mind just could not comprehend it. As time went on, I found myself spending longer periods of time in each of these realities, and eventually they seemed less far apart, or at least like they were no longer ripping me in two.

      Which is just to say, it’s normal to feel conflicted, and thrown around from one extreme to another. And it’s normal for parts of your normal life to reemerge and go on too. It feels like everything should stop, and yet it doesn’t. I can’t speak for you, but I also struggled with how to talk about the times I was pessimistic about the outcome. Of course I couldn’t tell my friend’s family that I didn’t think she’d get better. If this is something that troubles you too, I recommend talking to friends who don’t know your missing friend about it. In fact, if it’s possible, I hope you can do that anyway. You need your own support too.

  37. The Outmost Ring*

    You know the ring theory? Comfort in, dump out? What do you do when you feel like you are perpetually the outmost ring? When you find yourself constantly providing comfort and support and you have no emotional support yourself?
    Estrangement from family, a recent move to another state, spouse with serious health challenges and parenting kids with mental illness have left me in constant last ring state. I would love therapy but medical and therapy bills are already killing us.
    I struggle with trying to make friends here. It’s hard as adults anyway, but when I am feeling so stretched thin and needy… who would want to take me on as a friend?

    1. Washi*

      Do you wish people reached out to you more to offer support? Or do you turn to people for support, and they are not able/willing to help?

      1. The Outmost Ring*

        Both, either, whatever. Someone reaching out to me would be amazing.
        Most of the people I know here are casual acquaintances and when I have reached out, I get responses like “Gee, that really sucks.” or “You really should do some self-care” or once “I don’t want to talk about negative stuff. I am a ‘good vibes only’ person. Isn’t there anything good in your life you can tell me about?”

        1. Washi*

          Hmm, so the person who said they are a good vibes only person is definitely not a good person to reach out to about hard stuff.

          But especially the “that really sucks” response sounds like an effort to be supportive. When my friends need to talk to me about difficult things, part of what I try to do is validate that they are going through a really hard time, and validate their emotions around that. And I probably wouldn’t just inform someone that they need self care, but I can imagine expressing that I hope they are taking some time for themselves occasionally.

          I wonder, if you’re hoping for a particular type of response, if you could tell the friends (long distance, if not in your area?) you do talk to what you need from them? One of my biggest lessons in working through depression and anxiety is setting friends up for success, so to speak. I used to have kind of a testing mindset where I would mention something challenging my life and then kind of think to myself “if they really care about me, they’ll know to do X.” But I got much better results from “ugh, I had such a bad day, I just need to tell someone about it and be reassured that it’s ok” etc.

          That said, this may be too much to expect of a casual acquaintance – there may not be the intimacy there that either of you need to feel comfortable talking about these things. I know it’s hard to hear when you’re feeling alone, but developing those friendships takes time. You sound lovely, and just because you don’t have close local friends now doesn’t mean you won’t ever have any, or that no one would want you as a friend!

            1. valentine*

              As a caregiver for your spouse and children, you’re an innermost ring. What if you follow the self-care advice? If you’re the only caregiver, that’s not sustainable and moving away from that now is better than waiting until you’re burned out.

              1. The Outmost Ring*

                Honestly, it’s just ONE MORE THING on my list to do. Telling someone who is barely holding it together they they should be doing more self care isn’t the least bit helpful. It feels like one more thing I cannot manage, KWIM?
                There still aren’t any rings around me.

                1. Sam I Am*

                  It sounds like you’re at your wits’ end, and that does indeed suck.
                  Since you’ve moved and haven’t got the social structure in your new place, reach out to your folks in your old place and tell them how bad it is right now. You need to talk to someone in your life that you trust and tell them you are overwhelmed. It will help if you can ask them for something specific, such as “I just need you to listen,” or “I’m unable to come up with an action plan at all because of how overwhelmed I am, can you help me make a list of resources,” or “I’m not even sure what I need, can you listen to me and then tell me what you think?”

                  You need local support, as well, so you must take on reaching out in your area, either to support groups, religious organizations if that’s your thing, or social services in general.

                  You will have to bump other things off of your list, there are only so many hours in a day. Talk to everyone in the household and ask them to help problem-solve this with you, as you have to ease up on your schedule so that you can claw back some of your time… because you must make time for “self-care” as maintenance of your body and spirit. Exercise, downtime, healthy food, sleep are all required and you simply can’t go without them all for long without your body or mind losing efficiency. “Self-care” is a term that I find can make it seem like indulgence, but it’s maintenance. You may think that you can’t drop anything, but you can. If you land in the hospital due to exhaustion you won’t be doing any of it, so prioritize everything and the stuff at the bottom gets dropped/ done less often/ handed off every other time it needs doing.

                  Lastly, draw support from your kids and spouse where you can. They’re part of the family and can do age and ability appropriate things, even if it’s “I need a hug right now, and five minutes of quiet, will you sit with me and hold my hand?”

                  Truly, you’ll be in my thoughts, I hope any of this helps.

        2. matcha123*

          I have some friends who are like that. They want to tell you about their lives and have you give them comfort, then when you want to do a third of what they did, they suddenly are in a better place, don’t want negativity, and do a disappearing act.

    2. Because why not*

      Is there a Meetup or support group you can join? Or would you consider starting one? (I realize the second option isn’t ideal as you’re already overburdened, but I wouldn’t rule it out entirely – there may be a good number of people in your area who are looking for the same kind of support you are and would rally to help get something going.) I completely sympathize with the feeling of needing to unload but not being able to find an outlet for it, and fearing that all my “stuff” is too much for people to handle. Please don’t beat yourself up about having a hard time making friends…this is so, so common and it’s not your fault. The kind of friendship with the deep trust and openness you need can take years to develop, but you owe it to yourself not to wait. Definitely cultivate friendships however you can – don’t neglect that part of your life – but find another outlet you can rely on for emotional support, one where you don’t have to worry about judgment or feeling “needy.” Again, check Meetup, Craigslist, your local library/community center, etc. for options. Above all, please don’t think you’re alone in this! I’m certain most people experience what you’re going through to some degree, but very few know how to ask for the help they need, and as a result they just keep trying to live with it and diminishing themselves. Everyone deserves connection. I hope you find the support you’re looking for.

      1. spiralingsnails*

        The NAMI Family to Family groups sound amazing. I’ve been considering joining one to help me cope with a mentally ill family member. It could be a huge relief for you simply getting to spend time with people who really truly understand what you’re going through. Depending on your spouse’s health issues, you could also check if your hospital has a caregiver support group.

    3. anonagain*

      Who is in the inner rings besides your children? I would turn to those people for support. I know comfort in and dump out, but I don’t think it’s meant to be an across the board thing or there would never be any mutual support in relationships. I think it makes more sense to go issue by issue. Your spouse might not be the right person to vent to about the line in the pharmacy while you were waiting for their meds, but they could still, depending on how sick they are and how recently the health problem began, provide emotional support with the kid stuff, estrangement, work, etc.

      I went through a long period of poor health. I had friends who supported me, but stopped ever asking for emotional support and others who continued to let me support them back. It’s the latter group that I’ve remained close to through what was a trying time. But friendships need to have balance and one of the most alienating feelings for me is feeling like a burden. When my friends let me support them, they spare me the pain of feeling like a burden to them.

      So that’s my suggestion: reach out to the people (other than you kids) who you’ve been supporting and see if they are able to support you back.

      This is a lot and I’m so sorry you are going through any of this, let alone all of it.

    4. Good luck with that*

      Do you attend church or synagogue? Not trying to push religion on you, but it’s a good way to connect with caring people. (Depends on the congregation, of course, and individuals. Self-righteousness is not a religious virtue, and yet….) I knew hardly anyone in my new town before I joined the church choir.

      The denominations with which I am most familiar (mainline Protestant) train their clergy in pastoral care, not just theology. Compassionate listening is kind of in the job description. It’s not therapy, but it’s not nothing.

      Having an hour every Sunday (or Saturday, or Friday evening, or whenever) when nobody is asking anything of you except to follow the order of service has value, too.

    5. Sam Sepiol*

      I feel like you aren’t actually in the outermost ring?
      You’re only one out from the centre.
      And yes other people in that ring should be there for mutual support.

      BUT, also, I’ve lived a long time without the support I needed. What’s worked for me (in conjunction with a lot of therapy:)
      -accepting that a lot of my social support actually comes from work colleagues and my team leaders. It might not be what is choose but I get an awful lot of support that way and it really helps.
      -going for broad and wide. So I don’t get much deep support, help with my kid, people actually being there for me. But I do have a wide range of people and that helps.

      I’m sorry you’re dealing with all this <3

  38. rubyrose*

    I cut the cord a couple of months ago and am extremely happy I did. I also was not sure about how to go about it; below is the process that I went through granted, looking at it in hindsight.

    It was not a linear process, meaning it was not a make a decision on one item first and then make a decision on the next item. I was juggling and gathering information on these different items at the same time.

    1. Internet access. Go to highspeedinternet dot com and enter your zip code to see what your options are. Evaluate your need for speed and data. Are you a gamer? Just doing emails? For me, since I work at home with massive amounts of data, I was most concerned about any limits on data. What I saw is that on residential plans there is a 1T limit on data. If you go over it once or twice, probably no issue. If you go over consistently, they can start charging you. I found the low end business plan from CenturyLink cost somewhat more than a residential plan, but does not have the data restriction clause. I was willing to pay the extra.
    2. TV. I was most concerned about having TCM (Turner Classic Movies), so that guided my search. Sling turned out to be the answer to that. I already had Amazon Prime, since I got it for the quick shipping. Be sure, in evaluating services, whether they are strictly live, strictly after the fact, or both, if that is important to you. I already had a Roku stick from some experiment a couple of years ago. I did need the stick, since my smart TV is an early model and Sling cannot be loaded to it. Roku itself has free options. Last year picked up a HDTV antenna (local channels) cheap during Amazon Prime Day.
    3. Phone. I had just replaced my cell phone with a newer version and still had the old one. Was able to just add the old one back onto to my current Verizon account for $20 a month. Have been able to Bluetooth the cell to my existing phone system I used when getting phone service through cable. Works great.

    1. rubyrose*

      OK, sorry, this belongs on the first thread about cutting cable. This site kicked me out when I was part way through responding.

  39. love reading*

    Is that photo the Ask a Manager book in Ukrainian? How cool! Have there been other languages it’s published in?

      2. Cows go moo*

        I wonder if there is any advice in there that people would find irrelevant or even inappropriate in their culture? Just because work norms are so heavily swayed by cultural norms and how we would deal with a work/colleague problem in a Western workplace would not be OK in, say, a Korean company where there is strongly ingrained hierarchy and vastly different social expectations.

        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          Yes, that was my thought too because a lot of it is really culturally specific. My agent said that a big driver of it is people wanting to understand American business norms / how to do business in America. She said that China in particular publishes a lot of American business books for that reason.

        2. pickled tomato*

          inappropriate – no, irrelevant – sometimes. (that’s for ukrainian culture).
          this book is useful because we have som western-oriented fields, like IT, for example. i’d say it’s the same for china and korea, and definitely for poland.

      3. Russian audience-member*

        I want to know, why you translate the book into Ukrainian language but not Russian language. To do this, you give platform to present Ukrainian nationlist, who dislike Russia.

        1. Ask a Manager* Post author

          I don’t make those choices. It’s based solely on where publishers buy it. If a Russian publisher wants to buy it, I’d gladly entertain their offer.

    2. nnn*

      The decision to leave the English title on there is interesting to me! I’m not familiar with Ukrainian language or culture, and I never would have guessed that would be a thing people do.

      Can anyone tell if the title is also reprised in Ukrainian?

      1. silverpie*

        The line below the English title literally translates as “ask the head-ess” (the last word without the final a would be head), so that’s most likely the Ukrainian title.

        1. Washi*

          The “a” at the end isn’t because it’s a masculine noun in the genitive singular case? I bow to your expertise if you are a native speaker but I’m pretty sure y + noun would produce the genitive singular.

          1. pickled tomato*

            yes, it is a masculine noun. feminine noun in such structure would be “керівницю”.

  40. Science of working*

    Does anyone have recommendations for skin care products and regimens for a 50ish woman? I have never taken very consistent care of my skin and it is time to start!

    1. Makeup Addict*

      What kind of skin do you have? I’d start with a good cream cleanser, a peptide serum like The Ordinary’s Buffet serum, a good day moisturiser with SPF (or a separate Suncreen product) and a good night moisturiser. The CeraVe line is good for moisturisers that aren’t expensive but have good ingredients and are widely available from the drug store.

      Then depending on your skin type I’d add other products to target your specific needs. The Ordinary is a good way to do that, and I believe the new Good Molecules line does the same thing.

      If you wear makeup, I recommend the Clinique Take the Day Off eye makeup remover for eye makeup and lipstick. Also, the Hada Labo Premium Hyaluronic acid lotion (basically a clear water weight serum) is fantastic if your skin is dehydrated (rather than dry).

    2. DrTheLiz*

      General tips: never sleep in makeup, the less “large area” (foundation, blush etc) the gentler on your skin, sunscreen is your friend.

      What works for me (disclaimer: I have low-level excema) is to “wash” my face by applying oil (I use jojoba but olive or even sunflower will do), massaging it into the skin then wiping if off with a damp cotton wool pad and moisturising. If I’m washing my hair, I’ll put the oil on then wash it off last thing in the shower, letting the oil protect me from the shampoo.

      For moisturiser, I *love* Vaseline Intensive Care range. It’s very effective, has an unscented option (and all but the cocoa butter type are very low scent) and doesn’t leave my hands sticky. I’ve sworn by it for years.

      Good luck!

    3. Damn it, Hardison!*

      I’m fond of Paula’s Choice. The website has a feature to help you build a regimen based on your skin type and what you want to treat. There are also good articles on the site explaining products in general – what’s an AHA vs BHA and why you need one, what vitamin C does for your skins etc. It’s not as cheap as the drugstore, but it’s not outrageously expensive either. I’ve heard good things about The Ordinary products, which you can get at Sephora. For high end products, I like Sunday Riley’s Good Genes for mild chemical exfoliation and Drunk Elephant’s Sukari Babyface mask for potent exfoliation (it’s strong, and not for anyone with sensitive skin). A retinol product might be a good idea too, for staving off wrinkles; I like Paula’s Choice 1% Retinol Treatment Clinical, but I apparently have skin of steel so you might start with a lighter version, like .25 or .50% (retinol can be irritating).

      1. Science of working*

        I’ve never heard of the website. It sounds like what I need to get more educated. Thanks!

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Don’t forget to feed your skin from the inside out. This means regular hydration and use of good oils in foods and cooking.
      In a dramatic example, a friend when to the hospital because of serious dehydration symptoms. She was given fluids by IV. When I saw her next, she looked twenty years younger. Yep, she was 50 something and could have easily passed for 70, she was that dehydrated. Think of apple dolls, all wrinkly and dry, it was that bad for her.

    5. Madge*

      I recently made the same decision—and at the same age. I’m glad I’m not alone. I used to have terrible acne and tried everything and nothing worked and ever since I’ve not been one for products and beauty routines.

      In the shower I wash with Cera-vie…mostly to use it up. I bought it for my daughter and she didn’t like it. On non-shower days I use micellar water. I also have an exfoliating scrub I use once a week. After washing, in the mornings I apply a vitamin c serum and then sunscreen. At night I apply a retin a serum and then a heavy moisturizer. Both of these routines happen when I remember, so it isn’t every day, more like a few times a week. I haven’t been doing it long enough to see results.

    6. BerkeleyFarm*

      I have been in the same boat and got a great facial from a professional recommended by a friend and Jan Marini products for the full do. They aren’t cheap so you might be able to find better.

      But most days I wash my face with their cleanser using a Clarisonic and then put Revision Skincare 30% vitamin C serum on my face, then the Revision Skincare tinted moisturizer.

      Hydrating from the inside out is also important.

  41. CatCat*

    Aquarium update!

    Our players:
    – Pin Stripe the nerite snail
    – Fish Stick the baby betta
    – Cameron the ghost shrimp
    – Tweedledum and Tweedledee the cherry shrimp

    The setting:
    – 5 gallon fish tank with natural sand, real moss balls, a bunch of fake plants, and two tiki god sculptures

    We got Tweedledum and Tweedledee and they are both quite small. Much smaller than Cameron. I observed Fish Stick picking on one of them once so I think as he gets bigger, they may become Tweedlelunch. They aren’t as active as Cameron and are shy, but when they do make an appearance, it’s nice since they’re so colorful. Cameron is incredibly active and not at all shy so he is always swimming around in view. Fish Stick doesn’t mess with him because Cameron is bigger.

    Pin Stripe just does his thing and moves around a lot more than I thought a snail would.

    Fish Stick has more color coming in. Fins are still turning red, but in the creases of the fins, there are streaks of blue. I think he will be very beautiful when he grows up. He is also becoming more inquisitive. He’ll follow my finger if I put it up to the tank. He also looks at things in the tank to see if they are food. It’s neat because you can see him suddenly focus on something, swim near it, and look at it. He enjoys feeding time (as does Cameron, whose life goal seems to be to eat all the things.)

    1. early morning tea and biccies*

      ha! I really enjoy your writing. my tank is bigger, fairly well established, and the players go missing occasionally. I don’t know why the large angelfish lets herself be picked on by the barbs and tetras but she does.

  42. fposte*

    Anybody a fan of book and academic drama? Anybody familiar with Naomi Wolf?

    Because she had a very bad week this week. She has a new book coming out about 19th century British law and queer culture, and she was doing a BBC interview on the subject; the historian interviewing her politely pointed out a central tenet of her research, that men were being executed for sodomy in Victorian England, was based on a misunderstanding of a legal term and that none of the men she counts were actually executed.

    To her credit, she takes it on the chin and says that she’ll need to check that out, and she and the interviewer have had civil back and forth on Twitter. But basically her whole book exploded in front of her on live air.

    The clip is floating around Twitter (the whole interview is on the BBC site, but there are clips just of the key few minutes); I’ll post a link in followup if I can find one. But basically this is the wake-at-night-screaming academic nightmare unfolding.

      1. LibbyG*

        That describes me. I’ve not been a fan of her writing (often kinda sloppy) as much as I share her feminist viewpoint. But, yeah, all my abdominal organs just puckered up listening to that clip. A big part of the cringing, though, is that this is her, like, fifth book and the one meant to be academic. It’s one thing for this kind of gaffe in a more social-commentary kind of book, but this? OOF!

    2. Grace*

      Oh, I’m cringing. A historian’s worst nightmare.

      It’s based on her pHD thesis, right? How on earth did it not get flagged earlier?!

      1. fposte*

        I’ve seen that question raised elsewhere too and I’m not clear on the answer. I believe she didn’t finish her PhD, so it’s slightly possible this wasn’t in her thesis drafts; more likely were advisors that weren’t familiar enough with the legal records or the history for this contention to raise flags.

        One of the stronger points I saw was that if you think you’ve discovered something in publicly available records that contradicts well researched history, you need to investigate the hell out of that discrepancy.

        1. Myrin*

          One of the stronger points I saw was that if you think you’ve discovered something in publicly available records that contradicts well researched history, you need to investigate the hell out of that discrepancy.
          Yeah, I’m actually in a somewhat similar situation: One point I discuss at length in my dissertation is a term used for a certain kind of medieval book which is quite misleading but which is used in every publication talking about these kinds of books. Since it’s a very small sub-field, it’s not exactly “well researched” in my wider subject but still, everyone writing about these kinds of books uses the term. The problem is more that while it applies very well to some books, it doesn’t apply at all to others and yet they both get subsumed under the same category (so it’s not so much the term itself but rather the weird classification). And because it’s such a small field, I’ve read literally everything that’s ever been published about it and I’m also literally the second person who ever objected to the term’s use.

          And it makes me so paranoid, like, what if I missed something really critical?! It’s pretty unlikely – I’ve asked around a lot and managed to convince basically everyone that my view is the “better” one because apparently, it’s not that the naming convention makes sense to everyone but me but rather that apparently nobody’s ever thought to question it before? Which is a weird feeling. I’m constantly in a state of “well, surely I can’t be the first person to think this” but yeah, I am (or, well, the second, but I’m going to be the first who puts a big emphasis on it).

          But for me there really was a period of frantic research and writing to established scholars and getting different opinions and yet I somehow still get moments of “But what if I’m completely wrong about all of this?!”. It’s anxiety-inducing.

        2. blackcat*

          “more likely were advisors that weren’t familiar enough with the legal records or the history for this contention to raise flags.”

          Yeah, as the holder of an interdisciplinary PhD, I think that this is probable. The rules for who was on my dissertation committee + one member getting cancer meant that ultimately, like 1/3rd of the body of my dissertation could not be adequately evaluated by any member of my committee. I was actually super frustrated by that…. and am hoping stuff gets caught in the peer review process when I actually send that chapter out as a paper (the rest of the body of my diss is already published).

    3. alex b.*

      I saw that in NY Magazine; I’m in academia and would die a thousand deaths if this were me.

      I think Dr. Naomi Wolf handled it with class. That said, it’s unclear to me how the interviewer (Matthew Sweet) knew the term’s implication and she didn’t, though. I think he did her a bit dirty by doing this on BBC live. I got the sense that she wasn’t feigning but rather truly mistaken– but then, that’s what’s odd. How could she put together a whole book without knowing the definition of one of the key legal terms in cases she examined?? Her thesis was sensational and headline-grabbing, so maybe it was just so tempting that she went for it and didn’t do good research. So then I lean toward maybe she was trying to fake the story and got fairly called out. Blerg, who knows.

      1. fposte*

        It’s listed on the Old Bailey website :-/. It’s a pretty egregious oversight on her part, IMHO. It’s understandable that it’s a misleading term, but it’s also not an immediately clear term; I can’t imagine not checking the term out to see what specifically it meant.

        If I’m guessing, it’s not that she was deliberately faking, it’s that she was so in love with her thesis that she failed to interrogate anything that seemed to support it. Which is, heaven knows, the great human failing, but if you’re doing factual research, you don’t get to indulge.

        1. alex b.*

          Yes, I think maybe the thesis came before the evidence.
          “Death recorded” is a confusing term, for sure, but you follow that up if you’re dedicating years of research to it….

          1. fposte*

            Right, I don’t remotely blame her for initially thinking it meant they died, but it’s not a usual phrase–you’d want to track down why it was used. And surely she saw records of people who *were* executed and noted that that’s not the term there? Discrepancies like that are “must-follow” to me.

          2. fposte*

            Right, I don’t remotely blame her for initially thinking it meant they died, but it’s not a usual phrase–you’d want to track down why it was used. And surely she saw records of people who *were* executed and noted that that’s not the term there? Discrepancies like that are “must-follow” to me.

            (I just realized that this is basically the 19th century judiciary equivalent of “hostile work environment.” All these Victorian judges must have been constantly saying “Yes, we know what it sounds like but here’s what it actually means.”)

            1. Thursday Next*

              And in a way, it makes for a more fascinating discussion than if it meant what she’d assumed.

              But yes, this is the stuff of academic nightmares.

        2. pancakes*

          Yes. I think there is an element of hubris in a non-lawyer doing lots of research into a legal matter and thinking that understanding all of clearly will be intuitive.

      2. Weegie*

        Matthew Sweet has a PhD in Victorian literature – and he’s a really good journalist /presenter operating at the intellectual end of cultural issues. He looks stuff up!

      3. Awful Annie*

        The BBC has done a great follow-up story on the most recent episode of More or Less, in which Tim Harford interviews Matthew Sweeting about what happened. No shade thrown on anyone. You can catch it on the More or Less podcast, which AAM readers will probably enjoy subscribing too.
        I imagine Sweeting, as a British historian, felt something sounded off and starting checking back. Free Thinking is a very reputable academic arts programme (colleagues go on it) and I understand they’re supposed to have read about each other’s stuff but not discussed / scripted it in advance, so that the conversation sounds fresh and spontaneous.

      4. Observer*

        I think he did her a bit dirty by doing this on BBC live.

        Eh, I don’t know that I agree. This sounds like a fairly egregious error and one that should have been caught. It’s not like he ambushed her with some obscure thing that she had no reason to look at.

        On the other hand, there is not expectation or reason for “responsible disclosure”, ie the idea that you discreetly let the mistaken party know about the issue before you make it public. And since it does seems like this should have been caught before the book went to print, this is especially true.

    4. dear Liza dear liza*

      I just read about it! I’m in Academic Library Land like you, and I’ve published books- and for sure, there’s been no fact-checker. Shudder.

    5. Nacho*

      I read about that, yeah. I feel really bad for her. My mom’s a writer and it takes a shit ton of work to get a book published. If that’s really the central tenet of her book, then that’s years of her life down the drain.

    7. Lilysparrow*

      Where was her editor? Did it not occurred to anyone at her publisher to get someone with knowledge of British law/ legal history to consult on a book about it?

      I only set a silly piece of fiction in the UK and still paid someone to catch all my “that word doesn’t mean that over here.”

      1. fposte*

        Publishers don’t really do that kind of thing, though. Manuscript review goes to people generally in the field; the names are often suggested by the author, people say no a lot, and this sounds like it was pretty specialized knowledge so it would be easy to get a historian who didn’t know it. Ultimately, it’s the author’s responsibility to do the facts.

    8. Elizabeth West*

      I didn’t see the interview, but I did see something about this and all I could think was “Thank gaw I write fiction.” Even then, some of it has physics in it and I’ve probably gotten it wrong. However, in fiction, the whole thing can be completely bogus as long as it’s consistently bogus, lol.

  43. I Work on a Hellmouth*

    Okay, has anyone been watching Doom Patrol? Because it’s brilliant and awesome and I can’t find anyone to talk about it with.

      1. I Work on a Hellmouth*

        It’s only on the DC Universe streaming service–although I think the pilot is up on YouTube! It’s fantastic–heavily based on the Grant Morrison run of the comic with a lot of the fun of the Gerard Way run mixed in. And Alan Tudyk! And Brenden Frasier as a brain in a tin can! It’s the best.

        2. Jaid*

          Yup, the pilot’s on YouTube. I kept on thinking, I know the guy playing Cliff…I’ve seen him somewhere before!

          LOL.

          1. Anonymous Educator*

            I’m not seeing the pilot on YouTube, for some reason. Can someone share a link to it?

          2. Ella Vader*

            Check out IMDB dot com. It has helped a lot with “where do I know this actor/actress from” questions.

            1. Jaid*

              LOL, I figured out who it is, it’s just that I don’t normally see the movies, etc that Brendan Frasier is in, but I do see the commericals.

              I’m sad Anon, but it looks like YouTube took it down.

              1. I Work on a Hellmouth*

                Aw, bummer. It’s worth picking up DC Universe just to binge the first season, though… and now that it’s finished up they’re about to start the new Swamp Thing series, which is also supposed to be fantastic. But I don’t know if anything can top Doom Patrol for character driven weirdo surreal awesomeness.

    2. Karen from Finance*

      It’s not yet available in my area I think but I’m really looking forward to it! I loved Titans and this one looks even better.

    3. DoctorateStrange*

      April Bowlby and Diane Guerrero are brilliant actresses, I am really amazed with their range. I knew Bowlby only as the best friend from Drop Dead Diva and she was unrecognizable to me initially as she played Rita. Also, it has such beautiful human scenes amidst all the out-there storylines, which I appreciate.

  44. Anon Anon Anon*

    I was the victim of theft, attempted violence (from what I could tell), harassment and slander yesterday. It appeared to be hate motivated and to have been planned in advance. The perpetrator played the victim during part of the incident in order to incite violence against me.

    I’m really shaken up right now. I’ve tried reporting this kind of thing to the local police before and they’ve never been helpful. Sometimes it backfires. They often seem to have the same biases and at best don’t believe me. I’ve been accused of being mentally ill or under the influence because I tried to report a crime to a police officer while disabled. I can’t risk that happening again.

    I’ve also tried reporting hate crimes to the local LGBTQI groups, disability rights groups, and domestic violence groups. No luck there either. I was ignored or told to “get over it” (in response to describing an attempted homicide). I’ve tried the relevant national hotlines. They just refer you to local groups. I’ve tried telling them that the local groups weren’t helpful and they just told me that then they couldn’t help.

    I recently visited my family – who I was abused by and parted ways with. My parents were more abusive than ever and other relatives supported it. One of them is a successful lawyer and knowingly supports my parents’ violence towards me. Or maybe he’s severely in denial or has been severely misled about the facts.

    I’ve obviously been through a lot of similar stuff throughout my life. It’s a cycle. Abusers see you’re recovering from abuse and pick you out as a target. Then they tend to spread damaging, false rumors about you to cover their tracks and get other people to jump on board. The whole situation has done a lot of damage to my career, employment status, financial situation, health and job options. I have a limited amount of funds, no job and no network I can reach out to. And it’s taken a toll on my social life. I have hardly any friends who I can reach out to about something this serious.

    I’m going through a rollercoaster of reactions – “No big deal. I’ve seen worse. They can’t hurt me. I’ll forget about this and move on,” and then breaking down crying, feeling completely alone and terrified.

    I’ve survived so much violence, mostly alone. I keep hoping there’s an end in sight. What can I do? Where can I turn?

    1. TheFacelessOldWomanWhoSecretlyLivesinYour House*

      I am so sorry. Maybe a therapist can report it or if you see a lawyer?

      1. Anon Anon Anon*

        I can’t afford either right now and I’ve had really bad experiences with therapists. I’ve seen many for exactly that reason and none have been supportive. It’s amazing how many I’ve described surviving violent crimes to, and they don’t believe me because of the way my body is and because the perpetrators have largely been affluent, with white collar jobs or immediate family members with good jobs. There’s a huge push to pathologize people who have been victimized by criminals with higher status in society.

      2. Anon Anon Anon*

        I tried going to therapists for exactly that reason – to get help with reporting this stuff – for many years. None were helpful. I was given a strange line of reasoning again and again. “If that was true, you would have such severe mental health issues that you would not be able to schedule an appointment and then talk about it in a level-headed manner. And if you do have PTSD or other mental health concerns, then you aren’t a reliable source of information and you can’t be sure of what’s really happened in your life,” which of course discredits everyone who’s survived any significant traumatic event. So it’s clearly flawed reasoning. But it’s a wall that was put up by many individuals over the years.

        I look very young and innocent and “dull” at times due to a muscle disorder. I also look tense all the time because of it. My eyes don’t focus that well. But I don’t use any kind of assistive device so people tend to read me as a very young, sheltered and unintelligent person and have trouble believing that I’m 40 and have done a lot with my life. I face violence for living and acting like a normal person of my age and life experiences. I have been accused of lying about my age and history countless times.

        The physical quirks are an unusual symptom of an unusual condition whose support community is somewhat dysfunctional. It’s centered around people with a different set of symptoms and challenges. I haven’t gotten much support there.

        I can’t afford most of the legal options out there. I have tried accessing free legal services through family violence orgs, but they haven’t had experience in the issues I’m facing since it’s not a common reason for people to access those services.

        The majority of people treat me with a lot of condescension and an attitude of entitled superiority. But that’s the least of my worries!

        Nothing seems to work. I’ve tried being really pro-active in telling people that I’m a 40-year-old adult with a muscle abnormality when I first meet people, but it doesn’t seem to sink in, at least not in a productive way. In fact, it’s made things a bit worse.

        PS – I replied to this comment once and I’m not sure if the post didn’t upload (the connection timed out) or if it went to moderaton. So please excuse the double(?) reply.

        1. Jaid*

          Why am I thinking you have EDS?

          Whatever it is, you have my sympathies. I wish better things will happen to you.

        2. Jaid*

          https://www.betterhelp.com/

          “BetterHelp is the largest online counseling platform worldwide and make professional counseling available anytime as long as you have a computer, tablet or smartphone. ”

          From my friends on Tumblr

    2. merp*

      I am so sorry to hear that. I don’t have any advice but I hope it’s a little helpful to hear that the internet strangers here believe and support you. I hope you can find that in person soon.

      1. Anon Anon Anon*

        Thank you! I know it’s tough to give advice on this one. It’s a difficult situation. Just hearing from people at all really helps.

    4. Anon Anon Anon*

      I’m going to write about this a little more just to get stuff out. One person helped me out a bit. I got a car. I’m now being accused of being a rich jerk because I have a car. But it’s better than being in this situation with no car and not even enough money to take a bus across town.

      I’m going to put my stuff in storage and go to a major city with lots of jobs and resources. It will be expensive, but it’s necessary. I plan to find short-term housing even if it means living in a motel or something. And work hard to turn this around and recover.

      I feel really paralyzed by this right now. Last night ended with three people wanting to argue with me in a parking lot, accusing me of a lot of fabricated things that I didn’t do, and of being a kind of person that I am not. They wanted to “take it outside,” which was fine when it was a reasonable conversation with one woman, but things got heated and men wanted to join in (not on my side) to “settle it” so I quickly left. Fortunately. It could have been bad.

      I’m really alone and running out of options. I wish someone would, face to face, treat me like a fellow human and talk to me about what I’ve been dealing with. But I just get mocked and ridiculed and told to shut up when I talk about it. I feel like a punching bag, like that’s my role in life. But I guess a lot of us feel that way sometimes and things can turn around.

      1. Windward*

        I’m so sorry you’re going through this. One thought is to contact a domestic violence network in the new city and ask them about housing and supportive services before you move. They should have some experience with people who have been threatened and disbelieved who need to escape, and may be able to help you find somewhere to land in the new city.

        For someone who feels paralyzed, you’re doing a lot. Good for you!

        Also, I agree that sometimes it seems as if being victimized leaves a mark of some sort that others respond to in sometimes dangerous ways. The people I know who recognize this in any meaningful way have been energy workers (reiki, etc) – though doing that work doesn’t mean they recognizes the issue, just that those who have recognized it have also been energy workers. Sometimes they have things to try, sometimes they don’t.

        Good luck to you, and please keep us posted.

        1. Anon Anon Anon*

          I’m posting both about an incident that occured yesterday (which left me feeling somewhat paralyzed) and my past efforts to get justice for things I’ve survived in that past – four decades worth of stuff. So I’m not actually doing a lot right now. That was a summary of why I have few options for places to seek help.

          There aren’t many resources for people who’ve survived hate-based violence due to a physical disability. And this stuff is common. We’re overlooked.

    5. Call me St. Vincent*

      If you feel you are the victim of a bias crime you should make a report at your local FBI field office. Google FBI field office near your city and call their main number.

      1. Anon Anon Anon*

        Thank you! I might try that. Unfortunately, I’ve been the victim of MANY bias incidents over the past four decades. I’ve been trying to find a legal professional of some kind who can help me sort through what would be worth reporting and how. It’s really a ton of stuff.

        1. Call me St. Vincent*

          The only things that are going to be reportable as far as criminal reports are concerned are things that are relatively recent. I’m talking this year recent, maybe last year if it was violent. I would caution you to focus on the most important and recent incidents because, I am being real with you here, people who come in with a laundry list of things that have happened to them over the course of years such as I think you are suggesting (maybe I misunderstood?) are not likely to be taken seriously by law enforcement. You want to avoid trivializing the recent incident by including it in a long list of slights against you over a number of years. I hope you know that I am sorry that you have so many bad experiences, but I’m just trying to be real with you about how to best communicate this stuff to law enforcement if you want there to be action taken. Good luck with everything though.

    6. Anonymous Username*

      I’m so sorry this is happening to you. It may well be that there isn’t outside help, and even if there is, would you consider therapy? A therapist is someone who is on your side and whose goal is to help you live healthfully. They may help you see what, if any, role you have played in these instances and what your options are moving forward, coming to terms with the past and prevention in the future. In other words, a therapist can help you become stronger and more capable. There are therapists who work on a sliding-scale for fees, which you may qualify for. I wish you luck.

    7. Anon Anon Anon*

      I appreciate all the comments here! One caveat: Could everyone please refrain on speculating about what medical condition I might have? It’s a privacy issue. Thanks!

      Secondly, I am not seeking therapy due to budget constraints and negative past experiences (as mentioned above). I understand and respect that it helps many people. But we are all different. Also, I’m in more of an, “I need these people to leave me alone and to be held accountable for their actions,” situation than an overall need to improve my mental health. I’m mentally well, but people are doing bad things to me, to put it very simply. So I’m looking for constructive solutions for that.

      1. Lilysparrow*

        Where do you encounter these people who are repeatedly violent to you and steal your stuff? Are we talking about street harassment/crime, people breaking into your home, bar fights, terrible friends/roommates, or abusive romantic/domestic relationships?

        Or all of the above at different times?

        Finding a solution is really going to depend on the nature of the situations, which is hard to understand without more info. Personal security precautions against street crime or burglaries is entirely different than how to avoid bigoted or abusive people in social or intimate relationships. And neither of those scenarios really match with a “take it outside” type of fight that seems to have happened in a public venue, maybe?

        I think the lack of useful suggestions is because of confusion.

        2. Anon Anon Anon*

          I stated that I have a disability and have been on the receiving end of hate-based violence because of it throughout my life. I don’t appreciate the victim-blaming implications here and I hope this insulting comment can be deleted. Hate-based violence is a very real thing that happens to many people. It does not mean that we are making bad choices or failing to learn from our past experiences or “hanging out with the wrong crowd” or failing to use appropriate security measures. We’re not mentally ill or ignorant. We’re on the losing end in a serious social problem.

          1. Call me St. Vincent*

            I think there is a misunderstanding here. I didn’t read anything in Lilysparrow’s comment to be remotely victim-blaming or have any implications of the sort! What she was saying was that she wanted to help and offer advice, but wasn’t clear on what was happening and which advice would be best. She was saying that her advice would be different based on what the situation was and since that wasn’t clear, its as hard for people to offer advice. I am not sure what part of it was insulting to you or indicating that Lilysparrow was victim-blaming in any way here, but I didn’t read that at all in the comment that she left. She didn’t suggest you were making bad choices or anything like that. She also never suggested you were mentally ill or ignorant. I am not sure where you are seeing that in the comment.

          2. Washi*

            I think Lilysparrow was just asking for clarification, not saying that any of the above situations would be your fault in any way. You asked for constructive solutions, and it’s difficult for people to offer that without fully understanding the situation, hence her questions.

          3. Thursday Next*

            I read Lilysparrow’s comment as asking for information (not a diagnosis) to help guide the advice. For instance, advice would be different for workplace harassment compared to domestic abuse, or different for denial of accessibility aids in public spaces compared to a landlord refusing to rectify unsafe housing conditions.

            1. Anon Anon Anon*

              Right. I appreciate that you all are trying to be helpful.

              In reference to past incidents, this has not been situation-specific. It doesn’t seem to matter where I go, what I do, or who I’m around.

              It started out as a family violence / family rejection situation when I was young. That situation included maligning me to anyone outside the family so that I would be mistreated and not taken seriously when I tried to report the abuse. They neglected me, subjected me to physical abuse, and covered it up by telling people that I had mental differences that I did not actually have.

              I got away as early as I could. Unfortunately, they continued to attempt to interfere with my education and employment for fear of being reported. While dealing with that situation, I wound up in some other bad situations. I was seen as an easy target, robbed and subjected to violence. I didn’t even know how to report anything to the police or what was against the law. That was in the early days of the internet. There was a lot of misinformation out there.

              I finally found steady employment and got to live on my own. But I continued to be targeted by prejudiced individuals from all walks of life. How dare I have a car and a job and an apartment while disabled? How dare I have hobbies? Leave the house? It was widespread. Perceived age, gender identity and sexual orientation were part of it too. I’m often assumed to be very young and to be queer.

              I’ve had to leave many jobs because the harassment got so bad and neither management nor HR were supportive. I’ve had job offers rescinded because of what I look like. And been fired because of it.

              When I talk about this, there often seems to be the perception that it’s a total stranger – some person who we’d assume to be sketchy – finding me in a dark alley or something. But it’s almost always someone I know who is uncomfortable with the way my body is and the fact that I’m just living like a normal adult. There’s a, “People like you don’t deserve [fill in the blank]” type of mentality. And it’s definitely not associated with people’s publicly stated beliefs. It comes from people of all politics. Hanging out in more liberal areas has not been a solution. Heading it off by talking about my disability hasn’t helped either.

              This isn’t my whole life. There’s good stuff about my life too. But the hate is so common.

              1. Thursday Next*

                What I’m most struck by is that there’s a lot of heavy history here. That’s quite a lot to have to shoulder alone while you go about trying to cope with daily life.

                Someone suggested online therapy, and I agree you might want to check it out. Some of it is even text-based, if you feel more comfortable writing. I think it could be helpful because the background with your family sounds like an ongoing emotional injury, even though you’ve broken away from them.

                I know you said in an earlier comment that condition-specific online forums weren’t helpful to you, so I’m wondering whether a more general disability self-advocacy group may be a better fit, where the focus is on dealing with some of the struggles that are common across conditions.

                Anyone who tries to suggest that you’re somehow not entitled to a job or car or apartment because of disability is a jerk. I don’t really have any words for that. They are terrible and just plain wrong. Do any of these people have any power to take away these things?

                1. Anon Anon Anon*

                  Yes! I’ve lost jobs and housing because of it. Often, it’s because I’m read as much younger. The “lazy young person,” stereotype.

                  Here’s the thing about therapy. I have never found it helpful at all. I don’t get any benefit from talking to a stranger who I’m paying while they smile and nod or probe into my past. It doesn’t fit with my personality. But thank you. I appreciate the suggestions.

                2. HAP*

                  You don’t need money to get a consultation and even possibly representation from an attorney for employment or public accommodation discrimination or harassment. Many attorneys will do free consultations and the case on a contingent fee basis. You can find a good employment lawyer by looking into the National Employment Lawyers Association.

          4. Lilysparrow*

            I sincerely apologise for giving the impression that I did not believe you or was blaming you. That was not my intention at all.

            I was trying to differentiate the situations in order to be able to offer some specific ideas.

            I wish you the best.

            1. Anon Anon Anon*

              Thank you! It’s really easy to misinterpret someone’s tone online. I know you were trying to be helpful and I really appreciate it.

    8. Anon Anon Anon*

      Wow. There is a lot of victim blaming going on here. It’s counter-productive and I’m going to stop responding to those comments.

      I stated that I was the victim of a crime that appeared to be hate-motivated the other day, and that I have survived a lot of violence throughout my life, and that it can be hard to obtain justice when the perpetrator(s) are of a higher income and social status. That is a very broad statement. It does not justify casting blame on me or telling me that I must need therapy. The same laws apply to all of us. Survivors of violence are not, by nature, mentally ill or doing something to provoke the violence. Hate-based crimes are a real phenomenon affecting many, many people.

      Secondly, speculative internet diagnosing is against this site’s rules. I hope the comment above will be removed.

      Alison, could you please at least delete the internet diagnosis comment and perhaps remove this whole thread? I reached out to the usually supportive community here after surviving something really awful that could happen to anyone, and the comments here are becoming more insulting than helpful. Thank you!

      1. Jaid*

        My personal apologies. I misread your desire to just vent and have your frustrations acknowledged as something more.

        I wish nothing but the best for you.

        1. Anon Anon Anon*

          Thank you! I mean well. I’m still kind of on edge. I appreciate your support.

    9. Llellayena*

      Can you report by phone rather than in person? Based on your descriptions, people are reacting to and misinterpreting body language due to the physical manifestation of your disability. Reporting by phone would eliminate that reaction.

      Can you focus your report on parts of the incidents that are not subject to he said/she said as much? Theft is pretty straightforward as is attempted murder (especially if there are documented injuries). It sucks, but people (even law enforcement) are more likely to dismiss things that don’t have concrete evidence and are reliant on witness interpretation. Also, immediately escalating to “hate crime” when reporting (even if it clearly is) can actually hurt in some cases. Start with the facts of what happened and then use the rest to expand on the statement.

      With relocating: I don’t know if you have this flexibility, but can you select the city or state you move to based on the strength of their disability services and advocacy? Some areas (Denver comes to mind) have better support and those areas are also more likely to have responsive and understanding law enforcement when dealing with people with disabilities.

      Last, you ask where you can turn. Similar to my comment about reporting, you might have more success with internet or phone based support or therapy where they respond only to your voice and not your body language. You may also be able to tailor the assistance you need better since going in person means you are limited to what is available in your immediate area. Only you can know what will work for you, but I hope this opens a few more options. Good luck.

      2. blackcat*

        Yes, theft, particularly “grand theft” (which starts pretty low in a lot of places, like a cell phone might count) gets taken far more seriously than many other crimes, including violent ones. So you may get better traction reporting the theft *and the theft alone.*

        *Trigger warning*

        A friend of mine was raped, pretty badly beaten up, and went to the hospital/cops right away. Cops straight up told her they didn’t believe her at all, but as soon as she brought up the stolen phone, they said they could help with that. Rapist got a 90 day sentence for grand theft. Prosecutor never brought rape charges because it was “he said/she said.”

    1. epi*

      I have it and I do like it. I’ve been using it for a few months now. I use an extremely affordable university gym most of the time, but their classes start a couple weeks later than each semester and end a week or two earlier, and some terms they just don’t offer enough that would meet my needs. I use Classpass to fill in the gaps.

      Be aware that many studios don’t allow you to attend more than 3 times a month via Classpass– they want you to buy from them directly if you like it so much. Some studios will allow more visits but charge a higher rate after the third.

      For me it really reduced some of the friction of trying something new. I now have a few places that I know I like. After a few months, I now almost exclusively use my membership to attend a single studio with a friend (which does allow more than 3 visits per month), but I keep it for the flexibility if she has to cancel. Plus the Classpass rate is actually an ok deal compared to their regular rate.

      Don’t be surprised if you end up with a few favorite places and start wanting to pay them directly most of the time. Classpass has a lower-credit membership tier that you might still want to keep to weather the unexpected.

      1. epi*

        Oh, and seeing my email reminded me: a few studios have sent me fairly good deals on their classes after I tried them using Classpass. One more reason that a mix of Classpass and a regular/favorite studio may end up being a good choice after a few months.

  46. Jessen*

    I would like to report that the addition of carpeted kitty stairs seems to have spared my actual carpet. They’re in ivory, which seems to be my compromise between “affordable” and “not ugly beige.” She has decided they are great for scratch-stretches.

  47. CatCat*

    We got a stand mixer this week. We have a couple of breads we’re going to try and make, but the overall landscape of possibilities is a bit overwhelming so I’d appreciate any recommendations of “must try” to help us narrow it down.

    So please share your favorite recipes that call for the use of a stand mixer :-)

    1. Thankful for AAM*

      I have a stand mixer but have never thought about special recipes, I just make the same things I always made but it is easier!

      I don’t have any of the attachments that go on the front – so maybe that is what you are loking for?

    3. Pyrbennu*

      Eton mess!
      You get to use it to make meringues and whipped cream both of which are so very much easier than with a handheld mixer and it’s the right season for beautiful berries.

    4. Not A Manager*

      Anything that requires whipped egg whites or whipped cream. Souffles, meringues, etc. Anything that requires beating eggs and sugar into a thick ribbon, like genoise. Anything that requires heavy arm work, like kneading. Anything that creates a very heavy, stiff dough, like pate a choux.

      1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        Seconding whipped cream! Where I live there are lots of strawberries right now, so if that is also true where you are strawberries and whipped cream would be a great thing to have right now and it’s incredibly easy with a mixer.

        I have made whipped cream by hand. Once. At a party where we kept passing the bowl around a circle as our arms got tired (a couple of the people there didn’t realize that whipped cream was a thing that you could make yourself out of liquid rather than something that inherently came in cans like spray cheese, so it was worth doing once even after I realized the lack-of-mixer flaw in my original plan). An electric mixer is a MAJOR game-changer in the whipped cream department!

    5. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

      French Silk Pie. I use the Pioneer Woman’s recipe. Super simple, except mixing everything for 20 minutes straight is a major pain with a hand mixer. Also, decadently delicious.

    8. GoryDetails*

      I love mine for making bread, whipping egg whites, creaming butter and sugar (for anything that requires creamed butter and sugar) – but one thing that I could never make without it is…

      …marshmallows! I saw Alton Brown make some on one of his “Good Eats” episodes, and had to try it, and it’s great fun. Messy, yes; and it conveys all too clearly just how much SUGAR is in those things. But it’s so fun to watch the ingredients turn from foamy goo into fluffy white marshmallow! (If you search the Food Network site for Alton Brown and Homemade Marshmallows you can find his recipe, but there are lots out there.)

      I’ve also made fudge and other types of candy that require long, long beating times; so nice to set the mixer to the proper speed, set the timer to 10 minutes or whatever, and just wander away!

    9. Rainy*

      Julia Child’s white sandwich bread
      Ciabatta (any recipe, mine is so old I don’t even know where it’s from)
      Cakes are easy in a stand mixer, brownies ditto
      The King Arthur Flour Company recipes for Parker House rolls and soft white buns

      Also a stand mixer is amazing for anything involving meringue or whipped cream, because it does not get tired before the eggs or cream is whipped. :)

      Anything I need to stir etc I plop in the stand mixer because I love how set it and forget it it is–definitely have a kitchen timer with a loud alarm though!–but the majority of what I use my stand mixer for is bread making (we really don’t buy bread much at all, and I’ve reached the point that my wrists don’t let me do the kneading necessary by hand–when I figure out how to make it do pasta dough I’ll let you know, it’s the only thing I still knead by hand).

      I’d definitely invest in the special dishwasher safe attachments if you haven’t already. If you put the chrome ones in the dishwasher the dishwasher soap abrades the polish and they start leaving dark marks on your doughs from the oxidation. You can scrub it off and they’ll pretty much stay good, but you need barkeeper’s friend and a lot of time and elbow grease.

    10. Llellayena*

      20 minute pound cake! I haven’t stolen the recipe from my mom yet because I don’t have a stand mixer yet. But the idea is that you put all the ingredients in the bowl, set the mixer timer for 20 minutes, and let it run. When the timer is done, pour it in a loaf pan or two and bake. Doesn’t work without the stand mixer because your arm would fall off with 20 min of mixing!

    12. Pharmgirl*

      I just made this and it was AMAZING

      https://www.howsweeteats.com/2014/12/sweet-orange-cinnamon-pull-apart-bread/

      Sweet Orange Pull Apart Bread – the dough hook on stand mixers makes things so much easier! This pull apart bread is basically a cinnamon roll in a different shape. I’ve used my mixer earlier this year for another type of sweet roll, and it really helps the dough come together.

      Also, stand mixers are great for making Swiss Meringue Buttercream for frosting cakes or cupcakes – it’s my favorite type of frosting.

  48. Jessen*

    Unrelated to previous comment: We’ve pretty clearly established that I’m suffering from tension headaches due to stress, probably due to trauma issues. The trouble is I don’t know what to do about them. The primary source of trauma for me occurred directly at the hands of a mental health practitioner and as a result of me attempting to seek mental health treatment. While it was going on, basically everyone around me was swearing up and down that sort of thing never happened and he was just trying to help and he must be seeing something I wasn’t that made him feel the need to do that to me. It was a terrifying mix of coercion, bigotry, and disbelief, and it was completely clear to me that since he was the professional and I was the crazy kid, anything he said about me was accepted and anything negative I said about him was seen as just me not knowing what was good for me. It was intensely traumatic

    The result is I feel like I’m being put in a position where I have to get past everything on my own before I’m able to benefit from any sort of therapy. Going to any sort of mental health treatment is basically a whirlwind of getting lost in memories I can’t handle, even if we talk about nothing but the weather the whole time. There’s no variation that I can find that helps with that. The simple knowledge of the power differential in the relationship means it’s impossible for me to feel safe and not completely overwhelmed and terrified.

    I also don’t feel safe in support groups because discussion of therapy or encouragements to go to therapy is a huge trigger when I’m feeling bad, and I feel like (unlike with other triggers) I have to justify in detail why I have that trigger in order to have it respected. And even then it often doesn’t happen because people don’t have a solution other than “go to therapy.” Someone who doesn’t go to therapy is basically seen as someone who just wants to whine and not get better.

    I’ve tried a lot of different psychiatric medications. I react badly to antidepressants, and basically everything that has worked has an even worse side effect profile than what I’m living with. Plus the trauma goes off at dealing with psychiatrists too, and primary care doctors aren’t generally comfortable with treating this sort of thing.

    I just don’t know what to do. It’s still really, really hard to have my own experience respected – the dominant paradigm is that since I was the one with mental illness, I must have been misperceiving things. I’m being told therapy depends on trust, but I don’t feel I can offer that trust unless someone could help me work through the trauma first. And the way I was treated at the time honestly makes me doubt that seeking help is as safe as people say it is anyway.

    I want help, but I don’t feel that I am able to receive help from anyone or anything that is connected to or wants to refer me to the mental health system as it is.

    1. WellRed*

      Are you in the US? Have you tried contacting the National Asociation of Mental Illness? You are probably not going to be able to work things through on your iwn before benefiting from therapy. But, while you figure out next steps, can you journal or something similar?

      1. Jessen*

        It’s been 10 years, I’ve tried basically every common suggestion that isn’t immediately obviously bad.

        It’s not that I haven’t tried therapy before. It’s that it’s never done anything for me except make me feel terrible about myself, and I find that usually the therapist gets frustrated and starts saying things like how I’m not ready for therapy or don’t seem to be really involved in it or something. And it’s like, with the trauma being what it is I literally can’t give them what they’re asking for in order for therapy to work.

        1. Teach*

          Two ideas that I’m not going to describe very well:
          1. Would the vision-based treatment used for PTSD be tolerable? From what I know, it’s mainly looking at a flashing device of some kind and recalling the traumatic events small amounts at a time.
          2. One of my therapists uses a brain neurofeedback gadget – no talking, sharing, trusting – purely looking at brain waves on a screen and working on calming them. Getting the overall reactivity more calmed helps some people have better luck self-regulating so they can start therapy if they desire.
          Those might be crap ideas, but as I have recently seen them, they came to mind as no-talk type options. Warm thoughts your way – I’m sorry the answers are so difficult to come by.

        2. fposte*

          I’m sorry; that sucks. My first thought is that mental health is like any other kind of health–professionals don’t know how to fix everything that goes wrong, most only have the skills for some of the stuff, and they have a limited number of tools. I have some issues that theoretically would respond to physical therapy but rarely do and often PT makes other stuff worse, so at this point I’m not going to just go to every physical therapist in the hope that this one has found the secret that the others haven’t and then end up arguing.

          I’m a cut the Gordian knot kind of person–if the problem is mostly the headaches, can you approach it as a headache situation rather than a therapy situation? You mention trying a lot of things on the therapy side but I’m not clear if you’ve pursued the body track as well as the mind, and there are some first-step-beyond-OTC medications for serious headaches that might be able to help. And while stress can affect my body big time, I find it a lot easier to deal with the stress when I have some tools to help with the body.

          1. WellRed*

            This is a good point. Just because the headaches are trauma related doesn’t mean you can’t attempt to alleviate them ( massage, cranial sacral, otc meds) because you are not able, right now, to deal with the trauma. It might not help, but it also might.

    2. Lilysparrow*

      Since you’ve tried everything, you’ve likely tried mental health apps. But in case you’d like to try a different one, here’s a list of apps to help with anxiety, depression, and PTSD. Some are recommended for use alongside 1-on- therapy, but others are appropriate for self-help.

      Maybe if you can get your anxiety symptoms reduced a bit, it might help you move forward with finding more comprehensive treatment.

      https://adaa.org/finding-help/mobile-apps

    3. Thursday Next*

      What a difficult situation. I’m sorry people didn’t trust your reporting of your experiences.

      I think avoiding mental health-specific professionals makes a lot of sense of you right now. I know you said primary care physicians aren’t comfortable handling psychiatric medications, and I have two thoughts. One: it’s worth persisting to try to find one who is. A lot of Americans have their mental health prescriptions handled by PCPs, and while this system has its downfalls, it does mean that there are PCPs out there who do it.

      Two: as fposte suggests, maybe tackling this as a headache problem for now would make sense, even if you didn’t have particular reasons to avoid approaching things from a mental health viewpoint. It’s hard to do CBT or other techniques when you have terrible headaches.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      A soft suggestion and definitely not a magic cure-all: Have you thought about going to a nutritionist of any sort? This amount of stress pulls vitamins and minerals out of the body and at a wild pace. If I were in your shoes I probably would be so depleted I would be shaking more often than not. You might need vitamins for your heart and vascular system, many people do when faced with such levels of difficulty. If you are having trouble sleeping at night (again, a pretty normal symptom for your stress levels) you might benefit from some minerals.
      It’s pretty normal for any human being with loads of worry/stress to start having physical issues also, if they had none before. Or to have more physical issues on top of their current issues.

      Nutrition done well can help a person to think through life stuff more clearly and get an idea on practical next steps that might actually be effective in other parts of their life. And this is because a body that has nutritional support also has mind with good nutritional support. Brains get tired, just like bodies. Brains need physical support just like the rest of our organs.

      I am not a doc but I do know what getting my nutrition levels up has done for me. And I know that we have people here who will tell you, “I got iron [or some other thing] into my system and joined the living.”
      Again, no magic cure-all. Just a baby step for planning where to go next.

    5. anonagain*

      I’ve found Paul Ingraham’s writing on pain useful. He breaks down the research on how pain works, different treatments, etc. in addition to providing many practical ideas for managing chronic pain. Even just knowing more about the underlying physiology/psychology of pain has improved my quality of life much more than I would’ve thought possible.

      (As a warning, he does discuss therapy as one of many options. I don’t think he pushes therapy, but my sensitivity will be different than yours and I don’t want you to be blindsided if you do decide to look up his site.)

      I’m sorry you’re in pain. I hope you can find some relief.

      1. Jessen*

        Thanks. Generally just discussing therapy on its own isn’t a trigger. Being specifically told that I need to go to therapy, or having a lot of questions on why I’m not going to therapy, is usually the bigger issue. Unfortunately the last one happens a lot – I’ve had a lot of spaces where I feel I end up having to prove that I have a “good enough” reason.

    6. Observer*

      What you are describing is almost the definition of a catch-22. Also, I agree with all the people who are saying that you might want to look at symptomatic relief, as well as general nutrition.

    7. moql*

      Do you think trying non western style medicine would be equally triggering? If your trauma brain can stand it, would something like acupuncture be helpful? I’ve had good luck with it for sinus infections, so maybe they could help with headaches?

      Regardless of how legit you think it is, it could help you with easing into comfort with medical practitioners. Seeing doctors is very triggering for my anxiety, but for whatever reason massage does not, even when both visits are about the same body problem.

      1. Jessen*

        It’s specific to mental health treatment – so a psychiatrist, psychologist, or therapist will trigger it, but a regular medical doctor or specialist in a non-mental area won’t. I’m having a lot of different physical stuff pop up and I’m just a bit worried. But I think stuff like massage that might be focused on relieving stress symptoms might help.

        1. Kuododi*

          I do have a couple of things I do as a general stress management/anxiety reduction. If you think any or all of them might be helpful…by all means! I’ve not copyrighted anything. ;)

          1. I take about 15 ish minutes in the pm right before bed and go back to the bedroom where I can shut the door to the dogs, TV etc. I then, once I take care of pm face washing etc will spend time in bed listening to a Chopin playlist on my earbuds. I also use that time for deep breathing/progressive muscle relaxation.

          2. Exercise is something I also find crucial in managing tension/anxiety. I have chronic pain, arthritis, and degenerative discs. Because of that, I work out at my local Y where I have access to low impact cardio equipment. I’d suggest talking to your GP and getting recommendation for exercise routine if you believe it would be a benefit.

          3. I additionally have playlists of favorite comedians which I find keeps my overall mood positive. (I’m sure I look like a goober working out with my earbuds giggle-snorting apparently to noone.).

          I missed your posting over the weekend, so I do hope you are able to see this. Above all else… please know you’re in my thoughts. Grace and strength to you both now and always.

    8. vdawg*

      I had a bad experience with therapy too. One thing I did when trying to find someone trustworthy was bring my spouse to some sessions to make sure nothing bad happened. If you have someone you do trust to come and just be your bodyguard that might be a way in. If that isn’t something you’re up for then symptomatic relief for now is probably best.

    9. Lcsa99*

      I can’t offer any suggestions for the therapy part of this, but I had problem with tension headaches for years. The two things that helped me the most are breathing exercises and aromatherapy. Just anything you can do to help you relax.

      For the breathing exercises, this might sound ridiculous but it works, and is a good cure for insomnia too. Close your eyes and picture the ocean. Let your breath match the tide going in and out. Whatever is stressing you out, write it in the sand and watch the tide wash it away. Sometimes you have to write it a couple times but it does work.

      Hope this helps. Tension headaches are pretty miserable.

  49. bibliovore*

    Although committed to not working on weekends, I was traveling for work all week and need to prep for more travel on Tuesday. It is a beautiful day here and we might go to the garden center for plants.
    All we have is shade so I am doing annuals .
    Gardeners, I am doing impatiens for the border next to the driveway. Any other suggestions for some color in partial sunlight. The neighbors have bleeding hearts and hosta but I’m a little tired of hosta.

    1. Lilysparrow*

      I don’t know much about annuals except veggies. But if you’re looking for smaller herbaceous border plants, Pulmonaria, Coral bells (heuchera), Hardy begonia, creeping Jenny, and Lenten Rose (hellebore) all do well in part shade around here and have a nice variety of colored foliage.

    2. Elizabeth West*

      Petunias!
      They’re cheap, come in lots of colors, and are annuals. I put them in a large pot near my driveway every year and they really brighten up the place. Then they die and next year I get to switch out the colors. Plus, butterflies seem to like them.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        Whoops forgot to add that they do best in sunlight, but my pot is partially under a tree so they get some shade. They’ll grow in partial shade, though they might have fewer flowers.

    5. Nye*

      When we bought a house, we also got a beautiful shade garden (mostly perennials!) in Zone 6. If you decide to go that route, we’ve had good success with bleeding hearts, coral bells, lilies of the valley, early irises, Solomon’s seal, hellebore, creeping Jenny, columbine (reseeds in our area), and some ferns. (As well as the ubiquitous hostas, which I’m also a bit meh on.) We also have a lovely oak-leaf hydrangea and a Japanese maple that are thriving despite the shade.

      Happy gardening! Shade is a challenge, but I’ve been pleasantly surprised by how much variety we have despite that.

      1. Bibliovore*

        Stopped by the garden store. No coleus, no impatience . Got a pot of geranuium for the front step.

  50. Thankful for AAM*

    Picking up on the question from Friday about polyamourous relationships — can anyone point out language we might he using in daily life that could change? For example, if someone mentions getting married, I use gender neutral language that does not assume the spouse is the opposite gender. But what about language we might be using that assumes monogamy? I’m having trouble thinking about what I might change to be more neutral. Anyone have suggestions?

    1. Lucy*

      The only thing I can think if is avoiding “other half” for romantic partner. It’s twee enough anyway to be worth avoiding, but it presumes a couple rather than allowing for other arrangements.

      Am not polya but have acquaintances who are.

      1. valentine*

        In writing, not using commas to declare there is only one paramour, so “January’s SO Free will be in attendance” instead of “January’s SO, Free, will be in attendance”.

    2. Penguin*

      Hmm, that’s a really good question! The language that comes to mind is that around defining families and relationships:
      –saying “partners welcome” on invitations instead of “spouses” (“partner” seems to be expanding to also mean “life partner” in addition to “same-gendered spouse”) because it doesn’t have the same monogamous assumption tied to it)
      –when using “family” it would probably help to be explicit (when/if applicable) that it applies to more than the nuclear family default of ‘spouse, parent, kid’- saying “family and others close to you” or “genetic and found family” or “family by blood and by choice”

      The rest of things I can think of have more to do with not assuming that there is only one “significant” person in someone’s life than actual word usage, but maybe others have additional thoughts?

  51. TechWorker*

    I’m going to Morocco soon and I have realised I don’t have many suitable clothes.. I bought a long sleeve top and a full length skirt today so might just have to wash stuff but everything in my wardrobe that’s geared towards being covered up is aimed at cold places not 35 degrees.

    Any recommendations to avoid becoming a pile of sweat..? I don’t have a bunch of time to find new stuff (and it seems wasteful to buy stuff I won’t wear after) but going to go have a look round charity shops tomorrow.

    My go to is usually to wear my normal tops with a scarf covering cleavage/shoulders but my boyfriend has pointed out I’ll be carrying a backpack most of the time so not really sure how well that’ll work!

    2. CatCat*

      Maybe linen pants in a light color? Should be pretty cool while keeping covered.

      Do you need to not show bare arms? Maybe get a pair of arm sleeves like for runners. You can get them as UV resistant, light colored material, and synthetic so they don’t absorb sweat, but wick it away. Super easy to wash and fast drying. That way, you could still take any short sleeve shirts you have and keep arms covered without having to buy a bunch of shirts.

      1. TechWorker*

        I actually have some of these already (though they’re black..) so I’ll definitely take those as back up! I hate long sleeve tops so basically own none of them.. I have some t-shirts that are high neck and *just^ about cover the shoulders (flappy sleeves) but unsure if that’ll be considered ok or not.

    3. coffee cup*

      I wore my harem pants in Morocco pretty much every day. Baggy and comfy. Long skirt is also a good shout.

      Nothing bad will happen if you show some bare arm (so a short-sleeved t-shirt would be fine) but for your own benefit I’d avoid shoulders because it’s men-making-comments central as it is without that. One day I wore a sleeveless top and cropped leggings (below the knee) because we were going to hammam, and I wore a long cardigan on top, and I still felt more ‘exposed’. But by then it was the end of our stay and I didn’t care any more and just strode about and mentally gave all the catcalling men the finger.

      Light cardigan or shawl over your shoulders will be fine, basically! I loved Morocco and want to go back, so have a fab time!

      1. TechWorker*

        Thanks for that perspective! Some sources say short sleeved tops are fine, others imply especially in rural areas you really want to be more covered up. Good to hear I’ll survive in short sleeves :)

        1. coffee cup*

          Possibly if you’re going more rural it’ll be better to wear a longer-sleeved top – I spent more time in cities but we did go out to the mountains one day and I took my hoodie, but wore a sleeveless top (plus the ever-present harem pants) to go on a short hike and wander round the town. The people there were very used to tourists milling about, though, so if it’s somewhere less like that, a longer top might be easier for you. But in the city I think you’d be totally fine!

        2. Ann O.*

          I lived in Morocco, so with the caveat that I’m a decade out of date:

          Yes, in urban areas you really don’t have to worry too much. It’s polite to avoid things like spaghetti straps or above-the-knee shorts/skirts, but tourism is huge in urban areas. People are used to tank tops and shorts and a lot of urban Moroccans don’t really care that much about things like knees or shoulders. This is especially true for Marrakech, Casablanca, Rabat, and Chefchaouen–a little less true for Fes.

          Rural areas/smaller cities are much more conservative.

          Short sleeves are fine everywhere, AFAIK. I did bring a large shawl with me to use as a cover up any time I was worried I may misjudge an area.

          Harassment is more about being a visible woman walking alone or in small groups of other women. Don’t believe the BS that it’s related to what you wear. Women who wear hijabi still get harassed. It’s a complicated issue, and my least favorite part of Moroccan life, but it’s not something to feel like you could have avoided through different choices.

          1. TechWorker*

            Thanks! Harassment would indeed by my main concern, though I’ll be with a mixed gender group most of the time and with my boyfriend the rest probably. Sad that that will help but I imagine it will!

    4. coffee cup*

      By the way you could also buy loose-fitting trousers while in Morocco if that helps! Possibly cheaper and they cater for the fact it’s hot there, so just an idea!

    5. Not A Manager*

      Wherever I travel I always bring a long sleeved, lightweight cotton button down shirt that fits into my purse. I wear it open like a jacket over my short sleeved top for impromptu sun protection or in case of aggressive air conditioning.

    6. Auntie Social*

      Ask Allie does capsule wardrobes for travel. Google ‘capsule wardrobe india’ and look at photos. You’ll see you already own most of this, you only need a few things.

      1. TechWorker*

        I think my problem is I *hate* long sleeved tops so I actually don’t own really anything suitable..

        1. Madge*

          You could mimic a long sleeved top by knotting the short ends of a rectangular scarf to create a very loose coverup. It would be cool and probably provide decent coverage.

    7. Middle School Teacher*

      I wore lots of linen, cotton Capri pants, and I carried a scarf so I could wear sleeveless tops but cover my shoulders. Short-sleeve t-shirts are fine.

    8. Jules the First*

      We were in Morocco in February, in a very rural part (down south of Tiznit) and while the local women were definitely covered up, there seemed to be a very widespread acceptance that foreigners were held to different standards. We wore short sleeves, tank tops, bikinis, short shorts and no one blinked (lots of other foreigners were dressed the same as us). I think if you look vaguely like you might be local, you might have trouble in rural areas but as long as you’re clearly foreign, you’ll be fine in whatever you find comfortable.

      Morocco was beautiful, the people were genuinely lovely (kind and polite and really friendly once they got over their shyness), and I never once felt unsafe…but I did feel very visible in ways that have not happened elsewhere in the world.

      1. TechWorker*

        Thanks. This is reassuring! I am extremely pale so I don’t think there’s too much danger of looking like a local. I don’t expect to be wearing short shorts and a bikini but I am concerned about coping with the heat :)

    9. Llellayena*

      Cotton! I did buy a whole wardrobe for my Morocco trip but that’s because I had no cotton light long sleeve. Others in my tour group wore short sleeves the whole time and were fine, even in rural areas. But loose, light cotton is very helpful. Linen is good too, but since it wrinkles easily, look for the linen/cotton blends. Long sleeves are also good for some sun protection, so don’t discount long sleeves completely if you’ll be out with no shade for a while.

    10. Catherine from Canada*

      Interesting – my sister is just back from Morocco!
      Last summer I made her a calf-length shirt dress with short sleeves from a light weight Indian printed cotton. (because she’s seriously loaded and I’m not, and what do you birthday-gift someone who already has everything?)
      She excitedly told me that it was perfect! It was 40C, but she needed shoulders and knees covered and not too fitted or heavy. So look for long and loose with sleeves.

  53. merp*

    Just checking in to say my cats LOVE the ripple rug. It’s their favorite thing.

    Also piggybacking off of my late addition to friday’s thread, would love anyone’s favorite quick, filling, vegetarian breakfast recipes if you’d like to share.

    1. Not A Manager*

      Are eggs okay? If so, I’ll make a big frittata with whatever in it, cut it into slices and keep it in the fridge for a few days. Separate the slices with paper towels, and don’t completely cover the container, otherwise the eggs get soggy.

    2. londonedit*

      I like making baked oatmeal. There are loads of recipes online but it’s basically oats, mashed banana, an egg and whatever milk you prefer, plus anything you want to mix in (like blueberries or nuts or other fruit) and then you bake it. I tend to do mine in large muffin cups, and each one is a breakfast portion, but you can also do it in a baking pan and cut it into portions.

    3. TheFacelessOldWomanWhoSecretlyLivesinYour House*

      I like vegan homemade pancakes and vegan sausages. I also adore scones.
      Scones (from the book ‘Vegan with a Vengeance’)
      3 cups AP flour
      2 tablespoons baking powder
      1/4 cup sugar plus extra to sprinkle the tops
      1/4 teaspoon salt
      1/3 cup vegetable oil
      1/2 cup soy cream (rice or soy milk also works as a substitute)
      3/4 cup rice or soy milk plus two teaspoons apple cider vinegar

      Preheat oven to 400 degrees F. Lightly grease cookie sheet. Pour the 3/4 cup rice or soy milk into a cup or bowl with the vinegar. Let sit a few minutes while you mix the dry ingredients. Mix flour, baking powder, sugar and salt.
      Mix all the wet ingredients in until just combined. Dough should be clumpy, not sticky. Drop by 1/4 cupfuls onto the sheet and pat the tops some. Sprinkle with a little sugar. Bake 12–15 minutes until lightly browned. If you want berries, use 1 1/2 cups. You can add 1 cup chocolate chips and a teaspoon of vanilla for chocolate chip scones. You can also use oat milk or almond milk.
      I love these.

    4. Rainy*

      I have whole milk yogurt and Alpen müesli every morning for breakfast. It’s very filling and travels to work well.

    6. Bleu Whale*

      Overnight oats!
      Soak some rolled oats in milk the night before, and it’s ready to eat in the morning. Add chia seeds and fruit (apples/berries are my favourites) for flavour and extra nutrients.

    7. Anonyby*

      How about breakfast burritos? Make a big batch and toss in the freezer for later. My last batch were beans and rice (which can definitely be vegetarian/vegan if you cook them that way!). There’s also classic egg-based ones that you can add a bunch of veggies/potatoes/soyrizo/etc to. Or if you’re vegan you can do a soy scramble to put in them.

      I’ve also done savory muffins that I freeze for later. While the recipe I sorta-follow calls for breakfast sausage, you could use vegetarian sausage, or just replace with more veggies. :)

      I’ve also done breakfast sandwiches with bean patties (since I’m not a fan of egg sandwiches). Again, made a batch ahead of time and stuck in the freezer to grab on my way out to work.

      1. WrenF*

        Avocado toast! It is so filling and really sticks with you.

        For breakfast, when I’m more in a rush, I just slice up an avocado and lay the slices in the toasted bread. You can use butter or not.

  54. smoke tree*

    Just picking up a conversation from a past weekday thread about the obligations of authors to their readers. I’m always surprised by how many people feel that authors owe the completion of a story to their readers, once they publish the first instalment of the story, since I feel completely otherwise. I can’t imagine anyone ever starts a series in bad faith without intending to finish it–what would be the point of that? But sometimes life intervenes, sometimes priorities change over time. Writing a book is a serious time and energy suck, and I wouldn’t want to read a book that an author slogged through miserably for the sake of appeasing their fans. Sometimes stories don’t end neatly, and I’m okay with that. But I’m interested in hearing the perspective of people who feel otherwise!

    1. Kate Daniels*

      I’ve gotten burned so many times by series getting canceled by the publisher (or the author just grows bored of writing it or it is not making as much money as hoped, in the case of self-published books), so I will no longer buy books in series until the entire series is complete if it is a series where each book ends on a cliffhanger. I sometimes see some authors blame (or guilt trip) readers for not buying books as they come out because low sales contributes to series cancellations, but I am no longer willing to invest money into a story if there’s not a good faith agreement going both ways that a storyline will be concluded. I have too many incomplete series on my shelf where I had bought the books as they came out in the past, only for the series to be cancelled partway through. No more.

      While I agree that authors don’t work for readers and readers can’t dictate what authors write, readers are also free to choose not to support authors or publishers who do not reliably finish what they start.

    2. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      I didn’t read that weekday thread, but to me, it really depends on the type of series. If the author is writing a series where everything is building to some big thing that readers are clearly supposed to be figuring out or feeling invested in how it resolves, then I feel like they do owe the readers some sort of conclusion to that puzzle or scenario since that’s what they were using to sell the books. If they’re writing the ongoing whatever happens next in a group of people without a plot arc, I feel less that it needs a specific conclusion. Like, Lord of the Rings needed to do something about that ring or I’d feel like my time was being wasted, but I really don’t need to know what the girls in The Babysitters Club did when they got to college. (I have no idea if The Babysitters Club has some kind of ending eventually or not.) It’s like how I don’t really care if my meal comes with a dessert or not, but if you tell me it comes with ice cream then I want my ice cream.

      Cliffhangers in general are something I see as an annoying sales tactic. I’d rather have complete stories in single books. If you’re going to give me something other than a complete-in-itself book, then yeah, I do feel like it’s common decency to wrap the thing up before wandering off to do something else (and if you’ve got some sort of puzzle or arc plot you’re hinting toward, you also should know where that’s going rather than hope you get a good idea later).

      This is one thing that’d really soured me on a lot of newer SF and fantasy, and why I read so little of it these days. If the end of the book isn’t the end of the story, I just don’t trust I’ll actually get the end of the story, so I’m not going to buy the book. (I also pretty much won’t vote for a book up for a Hugo for Best Novel if it doesn’t include both a beginning and an ending that are satisfying without reading the rest of the series, particularly since we have a series category for that now. This is my hill and I will die on it, probably surrounded by mystery novels even though I’d rather be reading SF.)

      1. Elizabeth West*

        The Lord of the Rings is one book, not three. It was published in three volumes because the publisher deemed it too big to go out in one. Granted, that would have been annoying if they pulled the second or last volume, but it was already done when it was published so that’s not really a great example.

        1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

          I just went for the most well-known “would be annoying if not finished” series I could think of, particularly since it’s a style that has been imitated a lot since. (The “well known” thing is also why I picked The Babysitters Club even though there are plenty of other, better series in that format as well.) For a more current-era and obscure example, I was incredibly disappointed when David Weber’s “Hell’s Gate” series took this “story is continuous between multiple books, not all of which will necessarily ever happen and the books don’t feel finished on their own” approach, and then went on a long hiatus and eventually came back with a new co-author after the first two books. (Most of David Weber’s stuff is multi-volume and ends up with too much between-volumes sprawl for my tastes, but that series was particularly egregious.)

          I’ve been burned entirely too many times by SF and fantasy books that end each book on a cliffhanger, the series goes on a slow decline in terms of sales, and eventually there is no next book but also no ending. It’s just a genre convention I’m sick of. I wouldn’t hunt down an author and complain at them about it, but I’m not going to buy them any more either. (Existing series in this format that I’ve already started and remain at least somewhat curious about I continue getting out of the library every now and then as I remember to check up on them and see if they’ve ever gotten around to finishing up, but as time goes by, the morass gets deeper, and I have a harder and harder time remembering what’s going on I tend to eventually lose interest. I think my main complaint is the ones that feels like there is no end in sight, we’re over 10 books in now, and yet nothing stands on its own and the story is still revealing new levels of complication. I’m just not going to devote enough brain-space to that to remember what’s going on by the time the next books comes out, particularly for the series that go more than a year between releases.)

          1. Elizabeth West*

            I dislike cliffhangers myself, and yet I’m working on one, sorry! But I WILL finish the third book.

            I know what you mean about the slow-paced never-ending stuff, though. That is precisely why I stopped watching The Walking Dead.

            1. The Other Dawn*

              Yup. I’m contemplating deleting the 10+ episodes of TWD I have on DVR right now for exactly the same reason. Yet, I can’t bring myself to do it. But I also can’t bring myself to sit down and watch.

    3. Emily*

      I agree with you that authors don’t owe anything to their readers, but I also think it’s reasonable for readers to be disappointed if a beloved series isn’t finished, especially if the story is clearly building to a larger conclusion. They just shouldn’t be disappointed or entitled at the author (as in complaining to or bothering them directly).

      I think I’m relatively zen about uncompleted narratives, though. There are several series that I’m waiting on (one that I think will probably finish, and a couple more that I think probably won’t), but in many cases I read the earlier books so long ago that I barely remember them now and would have to reread them if their respective authors actually released another book.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        This is reasonable.

        When Stephen King got hit by that van, he was in the middle of the Dark Tower series. Thankfully, he didn’t die. But if he had decided it was just too much and he didn’t want to finish the series, I would have been disappointed (I have been in love with Roland Deschain since The Gunslinger, lol) but not angry. Fortunately, writing about that trauma was his way of processing it, and he not only finished but threaded Mid-World (and the accident) into many concurrent and subsequent works.

        I was one of those who advocated against waiting, because if you do, you risk not getting any more. Getting a planned series cancelled would be frustrating for the author as well as the reader. Of course, that’s the reader’s choice. But a high-and-mighty “how dare you not finish this trilogy” attitude, what you call getting disappointed AT the author, is very off-putting.

        I guess the publishing business and its reliance on branding is a contributing problem I’m not sure how to mitigate. It doesn’t seem to serve either the reader or the writer very well.

        1. Basia, also a fed*

          I don’t know how you reacted to the ending of the Dark Tower series, but I felt cheated and frustrated. I followed that series for two decades and was so incredibly disappointed.

          2. Phoenix Programmer*

            I had an original independent print of gunslinger and in the about the author section King admits that this series was a college experiment he wasn’t even sure he wanted to finish. The fact that it ended on a cliffhanger, resolving none of the questions it laid out, infuriated me so much I refused to read any more King novels.

        2. smoke tree*

          Yeah, I think the publishing industry is definitely pushing the series and cliffhangery books, because then they can sell three books rather than one. I’m not a fan of that (although I can see the business sense). I can appreciate anyone who prefers to not read series because they don’t want to wait for an ending or risk not having one at all, but I don’t get the feeling of being betrayed by the author. I suppose this just points to my larger issues with writing as a business, though.

          1. Elizabeth West*

            Yeah, and I find myself bowing to it with Book 2, but honestly, it’s almost inevitable at this point. At least for this work; I can’t speak to anything I might write in future.

            Though if someone agrees to publish my trilogy, I PROMISE I will finish the story! Save this post!

    4. Lucy*

      I think in some cases where there’s an overall story across 3+ (5+, 10+) books it can feel as though you’ve bought a book with the last five chapters missing.

      I can absolutely understand why a writer would just stop, but I wonder if in those circumstances they could release a tl;dw (too long; didn’t write) in bullet points, along the lines of:

      * Susan is Alice’s mother, not her sister
      * The emerald necklace was real after all
      * Tom and Chris end up together
      * The house is never sold

      In general, authors know all this, and the answers scratch the readers’ plot itch. Yes a full book would be better, but if it isn’t forthcoming for whatever reason then just please scratch the itch!

  55. Nacho*

    Anybody have any experience w/ over the counter ADD medication? I haven’t tried any since college, but I’m thinking of getting back into it to see if it helps my attention span. I’ve been diagnosed 3 times over the years so I’m not worried about that, but my health insurance is high deductible so I’m not looking forward to paying out my ass for a fourth. I was thinking over the counter might be cheaper.

    1. Book Lover*

      Do you mean supplements? There are no OTC medication options for ADD in the US that I am aware of. There are some supplements people use, not sure how well they work.

    2. Lilysparrow*

      There’s homeopathic stuff, but there’s absolutely no clinical evidence that homeopathy works on any condition.

      Before I was diagnosed, my doctor recommended fish oil, vitamin D3, and a B-vitamin complex to help generally with brain health and concentration. I think it did help somewhat, and certainly none of those things are going to hurt you.

      If you want to look up a specific product, there is information and user reviews of different potential medications and treatments on the additude magazine website at https://www.additudemag.com/category/explore-adhd-treatments/treatment-reviews/

    3. anonagain*

      When you say diagnosed, do you mean a neuropsych evaluation or an office visit with a psychiatrist? I was diagnosed as an adult and just had to go talk to a psychiatrist who had notes from my psychologist. It wasn’t cheap, but it wasn’t thousands of dollars like a neuropsych evaluation either.

      That doesn’t help if an office visit with a psychiatrist or the cost of rx meds is still out of reach for you. I thought I would mention it though, since it sounds like you were diagnosed when you were a kid/young adult and I think the process is different when you’re older.

  56. Not All*

    So cranky! So very, very, very cranky!

    First I had to battle the hordes at the home improvement store (no, getting the part couldn’t wait unfortunately). Then I get back home and somehow the door between the house & garage is locked. And because I took a different vehicle with just the spare keys I need to call a locksmith to get into house. Their website advertises all over “Simple emergency lock-outs start at just $19.95 24/7”. I’m just a couple miles from their main building and it took the kid like 2 minutes to open the door. Charge: $145!!! I am NOT happy.

    Good thing this is a long weekend!

    1. fposte*

      Oh, the home improvement store always puts me in a cranky mood already (I was just there and had to deal with a staffer who was just a list of emotional labor demands on legs), and then the locksmith thing would have put me over the edge. I hope you have some enjoyable compensation in the next 2.5 days.

    2. Business Librarian*

      This is a PSA, and I’m so sorry to hear that Not All. I think you were totally taken advantage of!

      I believe that the locksmith ad is a scam. They never charge $19.95. For all of us that this hasn’t happened to yet, I’d recommend finding a locksmith near you now and getting their number because the ones that come up first in a search are frequently part of this. I read about this some time ago so may have the details wrong, but I do remember making a mental note not to just google in this situation!

      1. Not All*

        yeah…unfortunately when you’re standing in your yard with a cell phone listening to a crying dog who desperately needs out with company coming in a few hours, there isn’t time to call around checking prices…you just need someone who can get there NOW. Which is of course what every price-gouging based business relies on. Sortof like trying to buy chains at the base of the pass when it’s closed to anyone without chains…magically the price quadruples! I’m lucky…the money isn’t a huge hit to my bank account.

        On the to-do list for this weekend…get copies made of keys for storing outside. I normally have keys hidden outside but had recently replaced all my locks and hadn’t had time to get enough spares made yet. So really my own fault!

  57. Ali*

    I’ve been dealing with a stress fracture in my shin (tibia) for a couple months now with no real progress. I have a follow up appointment on Tuesday and based on everything my doctor has said they are probably going to have to cast in a full leg cast.

    What should I be prepared for? I’ve never had a cast.
    If anyone has any tips, they would be appreciated as well.

    1. Pam*

      Get cast covers for showering, rather than trying the garbage bag and tape trick. I bought mine on Amazon pretty cheaply.

      1. Ali*

        Probably a dumb question…. but is this because they aren’t Sutton get wet or something?

        1. fposte*

          Correct. That’s for two reasons: plaster casts will soften up (I think fiberglass would still hold its shape), and then your skin gets wet underneath the cast and won’t dry properly. A few drops of rain aren’t a big deal but you really don’t want to let it get bathed or showered with you.

          Clothing friends: slip-on shoes, dresses you can pull on over your head, skirts you can easily step into.

          It’s probably tiring to walk with a sore leg already, but you may find negotiating with a cast is even more tiring; that’s especially true if you’ll be using crutches. Cut yourself some slack.

          1. Ali*

            Good info. I’ve been using crutches for 6 weeks, so I’m almost a pro on them. I’ve been wearing mostly pants with them.
            I suppose I should wear a skirt or dress on Tuesday in case they do cast my leg.

            I would hate for them to have to cut a good pair of pants.

    3. Jaid*

      When you end up with a walking cast, you may want to look at a corresponding “shoe leveler” so your balance and hip alignment isn’t thrown off.

      1. fposte*

        Oh, good point. Those are really clever, you can fit them to most flat shoes, and they make a huge difference; I got mine on Amazon.

        1. Ali*

          Thanks. Anything I should know about the process of casting my leg? Should I expect it to take a long time?

          1. fposte*

            It depends how far up the leg they’re going, but basically with plaster they put an interior stocking on you and then papier-mache around it (you can find YouTube videos that show you the process if you want an advance look). I’d guess 20-30 minutes for plaster, but it might take a while longer to be fully dry.

            1. Ali*

              Wow. I thought it would take much longer.

              Stupidly, I didn’t ask exactly how far up my leg it will go. I only know it will include my knee. They said “full leg” but I didn’t think to ask if that would mean my entire thigh or just part of it.

              1. fposte*

                It’s really about what joints it covers anyway more than how far up on the thigh. So if it’s going above the knee that will take longer, as it’ll need to be modeled over the knee joint *and* the ankle joint. Definitely go for a skirt rather than pants that day–even if you can get the pants back on, it’ll be a nightmare, and then you have to haul them back off again later.

    4. WrenF*

      I found a shower chair of immense help. You sit on the seat with your casted leg going outside of the tub/shower curtain.

      It just makes the whole process less taxing and helps keep the cast dry.

      Medical supply stores are where I’ve found the ones our loved ones needed.

  58. Caterpie*

    Last week’s fragrance ban article got me thinking about stepping up my deodorant game (while hopefully not causing anyone migraines). Does anyone use prescription strength deodorant, and if so, which type of doctor did you visit to get it?

    I think I need something a little stronger than what I typically use (Suave) as I’m finding myself needing to reapply quite frequently. My sister just uses men’s deodorant which works for her, does anyone have other recommendations or agree with this? I read that applying it before bed is the best, but I shower in the mornings. Help!

    1. buttrue???*

      There are a couple of different ingredients used in deodorants. You can try a different one and look for how much of the ingredient is in it and buy the one with the most.

    2. Book Lover*

      I love certain dri. I use the solid though I think the liquid is supposed to work better.

      1. Red Sky*

        I love Certain Dry! For some reason I was having a lot of increased underarm perspiration when I hit my mid-30’s and my dermatologist recommended I try the liquid kind of Certain Dry you apply at night. I noticed a huge difference after about the 3rd day of applying it and now I use it maybe once a week (more in summer and less in winter) as maintenance. I still use a regular unscented deodorant most days but don’t worry if I forget or miss a day or two. One thing to keep in mind tho, is Certain Dry can cause itchy armpits if you use it after shaving or exfoliating.

        2. The New Wanderer*

          Another vote for Certain Dri (I use the liquid version as well). I had to switch to this about 4 years ago when even clinical-strength OTC stopped being effective enough and it works really well. I use it maybe 2x a week and the itchiness is crazy at first (lotion helped) but does go away after you use it regularly. It’s pricy but lasts forever because one application lasts at least several days.

          One thing to note, the product info says that your body may compensate with increased perspiration elsewhere. That is definitely a thing that happens.

    3. kc89*

      if you’re just using the normal suave you might want to bump up to their over the counter clinical protection line

      dove has a clinical protection line too

      it might just be the placebo affect but I do feel like the over the counter “clinical strength” deoderants do a better job than the normal ones

    4. Ali G*

      Secret Clinical is good for me (I sweat a lot). I also like it because it comes in unscented. I hate scented deodorant, which is why I won’t use men’s. They always seem so strong to me.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      I have used Mitchum for men for decades now. You can get it unscented in a stick or roll on.

    6. KR*

      Oh my God try Lady Speed Stick. I was having the hardest time finding a deodorant that worked for me and was strong enough. I find it lasts all work day (though I usually reapply regularly in the evening after I get home from work and before I leave the house). Also Dove Clinical strength is awesome.

    7. That Girl From Quinn's House*

      One thing I recommend is looking at the ingredients list before buying anything. I used the Secret Ultra (or whatever it was called) in college, and one day I realized that it had the same exact active ingredient, in the same quantity, as Regular Secret…but cost $2.50 more.

      Right now I use Degree, which is much easier on my clothing and works better. I used to have a hot, sweaty job, and it was obviously helping.

    8. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      I sweat profusely, so clinical deodorants are a lifesaver (especially in summer). A bottle of roll on is costs more or less four bottles of spray, but since I apply so little it goes a long way.

    9. Thursday Next*

      It’s fine to apply it before bed, shower in the morning, and reapply. My dermatologist says that it takes time for antiperspirant to “sink in” and be more effective.

      I didn’t see much difference between Rx and OTC clinical strength personally.

    10. HannahS*

      Mitchum Clinical strength is pretty good. I don’t know if they still write the concentration of aluminum-whaever (the actual ingredient in antiperspirant) on the bottles–they don’t in Canada anymore–but a lot of ordinary women’s ones were around 12-14%. IIRC, Mitchum and a lot of other “sport” deoderants tended to be more around 18-24%.

    11. EMM*

      I did switch to men’s deodorant because it has the same active ingredient, just in a higher concentration. I do actually think it made a difference! Obviously probably not as effective as switching to clinical strength, so I guess it depends how much more strength you need

    12. Eleanor Shellstrop*

      Late on the reply here, but I really like Dry Idea, and it’s inexpensive and widely available. I notice a HUGE difference using that vs Secret or Dove.

  59. Courageous cat*

    Birth control! Who’s on the patch? How do you like it? Do you wear the patch continuously (ie skip periods) and does it work for you?

    I haven’t been on it for years but have tried Implanon (too much spotting), Nuvaring (too many horror stories – more than other kinds, almost), and the chewable pill (didn’t want to remember to take it).

    Hoping this one’s going to do it for me.

    1. Call me St. Vincent*

      I was on the patch years ago and it made me super moodswingy and I came off it quickly, but I am really sensitive.

    2. Zo*

      I’m on the patch. I like it. Doesn’t cause any mood swings, change my cycle or anything. The only thing that is mildly annoying is that sometimes it gets stuck on a pair of pants that I’m taking off and I inadvertently rip it off. Not pleasant but is an occasional thing. Also depends on how sensitive your skin is. The adhesive sometimes itches (more in the summer when I’m sweaty). Sorry if this is overshare.

    3. Best cat in the world*

      I’ve been on the patch just under 2 years now I think and I love it. I changed from the pill because my shifts made taking it at the same time impossible and even a slight time difference between days meant I’d get more cramps. My first period on the patch was completely pain free and at most I’ve had a bit of discomfort since.
      The first month or two I found myself very tired, weirdly so, which is one of the common side effects and can take a couple of months to get past.
      One thing I do get some months is horrible fuzzy headed headaches the day or so before, dr wasn’t concerned and thought it was probably due to the hormone drop. It usually goes mostly with some pain killers, aspirin works the best, and the most annoying thing is, because it’s not every month, I wonder why I’ve got a headache for a day before I’m reminded!
      The only time I’ve had other issues was when I ran two months together, it felt like it took a few months to get back to normal. But that could just be me, I didn’t do great running the pill together either!
      Good luck with it!

    4. Karen from Finance*

      I’m not on ant birth control currently (interactions with other medications) but I always thought NuvaRing worked best for me when I was. What were some of the horror stories?

      2. Courageous cat*

        Oops, forgot links go to moderation. Look up the Vanity Fair article called “Danger in the Ring”

    5. ThatGirl*

      I used the patch for years and liked it. I did have one come partially detached now and then (usually wore it on my butt) but no scares, and no problems skipping periods. I mainly changed methods due to cost.

  60. Phoenix Programmer*

    Well niece and nephew are in foster care and sister blames me. Basically sister had a full blown withdrawel episode on mother’s day and took the niece, only returning because she popped a tire. That was the last straw as far as Social services cared.

    SS asked me to keep it a secret until the kids were in foster. I did but that sucked! I only did it because I want to still be able to foster nephew and I knew disobeying would torpedo that chance. The only reason that I am not fostering now is due to the different states issues. I have to wait for an icpce.

    Sister tried to scream at me on the phone about how this is my fault and I’ve hurt her kids. I cut her bull**** off and threw the harsh truth at her. Not my style but she needs to know her kids are in foster care because of her and her abusive BF.

    Sadly her response to that was to ban me speaking to her or the kids and she has asked me not to foster. I get a lot of this is the addiction but I am also devestated. I don’t know what to do with myself now that the kids are not on the house. 7 weeks is a long time. I have also not heard from the kids yet – I was given a phone number and I texted to ask what is the best time to speak but have not heard back. I am trying to be respectful of the foster family but I am also chomping at the bit to see how the kids are doing.

    Anyone have any advice? My husband thinks we should take a – let them come to us – approach but I don’t know. I really worry that Nephew thinks I dont want to talk to him.

    1. Not A Manager*

      I’m so, so sorry things worked out this way. Your sister sounds very reactive, so it’s possible that in a short time she will change her mind and want you to foster your nephew.

      I don’t think “let them come to you” is a realistic expectation for the foster family. Keep reaching out to them in a respectful way, and hopefully they will facilitate contact with your nephew. If not, see if social services can intervene. It’s important for him to feel some continuity with people who love him.

    2. fposte*

      Oh, PP, I’m sorry. I know you were hoping to avoid this. And I know you know this, but it probably doesn’t hurt to hear it again: it’s not your fault, it’s the fault of the parent who has been unable and unwilling to support her kids’ stability. A lot of addicts just blame with every exhale.

      Do you have any contact with their social worker still? Could you ask them if they have any insight, or if you could send cards rather than wait for a phone call?

      1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        I think cards could be a particularly nice touch here. The foster family and social worker have more logistics to overcome for synchronous contact like phone calls than asynchronous contact like cards and letters, particularly if it’s a situation where Sister isn’t supposed to know the location of her kids since she might run off with them again. Asking if you can send cards to the social worker for them to pass along seems reasonable to me.

        Little kids may or may not actually appreciate cards, but if you also include things like coloring pages related to their interests inside the cards those would probably go over well. I can’t remember how old Nephew is so I’m not sure if coloring pages are the right paper-based activity here, but crosswords or Sudoku might be a good thing to include for a slightly-older kid, or maybe mazes. You can draw mazes yourself on graph paper, and that might be a nice personal touch if they’re the kind of thing he might like.

      2. tangerineRose*

        Contacting the social worker sounds like a good idea. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this. Sounds like you’re doing as well as anyone could in this situation.

    3. Bagpuss*

      I would speak to social services about phone contact. Prioritise the kids, not sister’s wishes.
      They must be going through a difficult time, having been placed in foster care and with their mother behving as she is – let them see you still love and want them.

      1. valentine*

        I would speak to social services about phone contact.
        Yes. And give them letters for the niblings (with the SW to read the toddler’s letter to them).

        Would your sister be just as angry if you didn’t foster, but maintained contact with the older child? If someone else is willing to care for both children, why not allow that?

        1. Phoenix Programmer*

          Honestly I am torn on this. On the one hand you would think together is better, but on the other hand toddler requires 100% attention due to her violent and destructive tendencies. She also doesn’t view Nephew as her brother, as it turns out abusive BFs son has taught her that only he is her real brother. In reality they are both her half brothers.

          Nephew also expressed his hesitance to be placed with her and admitted that her violence towards him makes him nervous. She is particularly bad about trying to scratch his eyes aggressively especially at night when she insists on sleeping with him.

          Finally since toddler requires so much attention that means Nephew is not getting much attention. And while he is not choking people and pets he is still hurting and deserves care and attention.

          Right now they are in a temporary foster home before they get placed with their permanent families, and the aay or may not be placed together.

    4. Turtlewings*

      I have to say, I do not think “let them come to you” is the right approach. These kids need to know you still care about them and you’re still there for them, that’s a lot more important than not annoying the foster parents. I mean, ideally you do want to get along with the foster parents, but it is so much more important to get in contact with the kids. Do not delay that. Even if the kids are angry at you, they won’t be able to look back and say you never tried to contact them.

      I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this and that your sister is blaming you for her failures. Every supportive vibe in your direction.

    5. LibbyG*

      Oh, dang! I’m so sorry about how things have unfolded. Chiming in with others that pushing to maintain contact is the right thing to do here. I hope positive things happen soon.

    6. Cell phone or landline?*

      Just to double check—for the number you texted to, are you 100% sure it’s a cell phone and not a landline?

      You’re probably correct it’s a cell but the thought suddenly occurred to me and it would be so awful if your message vanished.

      1. Phoenix Programmer*

        I did not get a notice that it’s a land line when I texted. Usually you get an error when that happens.

        1. Star Nursery*

          also some phones will put unknown number texts in a separate place so it’s possiblethat they didn’t see the text messages. I think I would also call social worker and call the foster family (since they haven’t responded to the texts).

    7. Sam Sepiol*

      I am so sorry.
      Look after yourselves and be there for the kids. Your sister is far down the list :(

    8. Madge*

      I’m so sorry. I had such high hopes that this would work out for you. Maybe it still will.

      I don’t think you should wait for them to come to you, but keep in mind all the struggles you were having and give them a little time. It may be that yet another change is proving difficult for the kids to adjust. Or it may be the foster parents want to establish some distance and a routine before letting the kids talk to you. And the foster parents might not know what to think of you, considering your sister’s behavior. That would be unfair, but I could understand them being cautious with you.

      I think cards, and especially post cards for start, are a great way to start. They have pretty pictures and room for a short cheerful message that can be read by, and reassure, all. They’re easy to stick on a bulletin board or refrigerator. Plus, receiving mail is very exciting for kids.

    9. Sam I Am*

      I suggest being in touch with the foster family- saying what you want to say, acknowledging it’s a crazy time for them all (the kids and the foster parents) and that you hope to hear back but will be in touch again next week at x time. Always courteous, always a warm follow up with the same “I’ll be in touch again in a week at x time.” Once a week is a good amount of space, they can predict when you’re going to call and plan around it.. whether they want to take your call or not, and it will build trust that you’re reliable. Rinse, repeat. Same when they’re placed with permanent fosters.
      Also, best of luck to you. The kids are the most important people in this situation, and you’ve been honoring that with your actions. Sucks for your sister, but she’s gotta take a back seat in your mind. You’ve done amazing things already.

    10. Observer*

      This sounds SO hard.

      Can you talk to SS about getting in contact with the kids? Your sister can ban you all she likes, but I don’t think she can make that stick. On the other hand SS must know that it’s to the kids’ benefit to have you in tough with them- you’ve been the one piece of stability in their lives till now.

      I hope they will work with you. You’ve clearly been doing everything you can for the kids, and everything they asked of you. And, btw, I think that they were right in asking you to keep it secret from your sister. She’s not a safe parent right now, so it was important to keep her from trying to take either of the kids away.

    11. Here's The Thing*

      ICPC takes forever. Please document your attempts to contact the kids during this time. As a relative who has been involved, you should have preference over a foster placement. However, many states also have requirements for certain efforts for siblings to remain placed together, so if you are only willing to be placement for Nephew, just be aware that’s a part of the conversation as well. Your sister’s objections to you as a placement aren’t likely to be given too much weight if she can’t provide an alternative.

  61. curmudgeon*

    Neighbor rant

    I am so depressed about how much my neighbors have lowered my quality of life. I know I sound like a curmudgeon but so be it.

    We live on a corner property. The front faces a busy road, so there is no privacy there. The back/side yard used to be my refuge, but a new family moved in and put in a basketball court. This is now about 10 feet from the back of our house and what I see when look at out of my kitchen window. They play a lot of basketball. Every day. Their kids and neighbor kids. So now I can never open the windows due to the constant thumping and god forbid I want to do some gardening or reading out there. It’s really not at all relaxing to do either next to a bunch of kids playing basketball. So I just don’t. I’ve tried and even with headphones it’s not enjoyable.

    So, even though *logically* I know it is their yard and they can do what they want, I still really dislike them for ruining my sanctuary. I’m just counting down the days til we can move now.

    1. Not All*

      All the sympathy in the world! That noise drives me absolutely insane too…it’s even worse than the people kitty-corner from me who have to blast their music whenever they are doing projects outside.

      This is the last house I will *ever* own in town! Even if it means living in a sketchy old single-wide & eating ramen in the middle of my 20 acres with an hour commute!

    2. Brilliant Mistake*

      Is it possible to talk to them and work out a “schedule” for set times when they agree that they won’t be playing basketball? Maybe if you explain and ask nicely? This would make me so unhappy, as well!

    3. just a random teacher*

      Hopefully, they will grow out of it in a few years. At least, I’m counting down the years until the teenage boy with the treehouse built right on the property line overlooking my fence with a clear sightline to my swimming pool leaves for college…it would probably be a lot less awkward if I weren’t his math teacher for the second year in a row, but that’s not the world I live in. (He and his family are both nice people, I just don’t like the idea of mixing teacher-and-friends swim parties and student lines-of-sight.)

      I also wish I could find the Rouge Poop-Leaver among the neighborhood Dog People, but that’s another issue.

      Neighbors are certainly one of life’s little lotteries, and there’s just no good way to solve it.

    4. Elizabeth West*

      I have no suggestions but lots of sympathy–I’m dealing with barking dogs and I really don’t have any way to do anything about it either except move. It’s gotten slightly better, but when something sets them off, it just does. not. stop.

      1. Lemonwhirl*

        I am so sorry about the barking dogs. I have dogs. They are obnoxious barkers. We try to get them to stop, but it can be a losing battle. The only plus side is we live far from our neighbours, so the barking they can hear is hopefully small/far away/easily tuned out.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          Well I think the people feel like because other dogs in the neighborhood also bark then it’s okay. But the other dogs do not go on and on like this.

          I love dogs but I can’t stand it when the owners don’t handle problem behaviors.

    5. SezU*

      OUr next door neighbor kids at our previous home stood in the street and bounced their basketball all day long all summer long! Seriously. They didn’t have bikes and weren’t allowed to leave the property. It was kind of sad really. We moved a few years ago but they are grown now, I guess, and are able to leave the house since I see them around occasionally.

      Not much help, I know…. maybe some tall, full bushes to create a buffer??

    6. MatKnifeNinja*

      There is no hell like an active basketball court. You can call on the neighbors sh*tty bass music or report a non stop barking dog. Outdoor pools have limit time frame people use them. (I live in the midwest, so no swimming in November).

      There is nothing anyone will do about a very activity basketball court if it’s used during “normal” noise times. If they play at 12 am, you might have a shot or 5 am on a Sunday, other than that…nothing.

      I grew up next to a family that put an actual court in their backyard. Everyone played ball, and it never stopped until the kids went away to college. That thud thud thud just bounces off all the building walls and carries.

      All the neighbors around them put up huge hedges to absorb some of the noise.

      The only concession we ever got as neighbors was between 11 PM to 7 am, no one would play, but that’s the local noise ordinances.

      HOAs around me totally ban basketball hoops. You can’t have them on the garage, a moveable hoop or build a court. HOAs can be their own little piece of work, but if basketball playing is a total deal break, it’s worth checking out.

      I’ve rented all my life. The two noises that will drive me to break my lease is bass and basketballs. Kids screaming, weed whackers, drunks fighting, motorcycles, tuned mufflers..I can sort of ignore them. Bass and basketballs drive me wild.

      We had kids bounce basketballs against our outside townhouse wall. It sounded like we were getting shelled.

    7. Pnut*

      I would install a nice water feature or buy an outdoor speaker to play music so it didn’t bother me as much. Even a white noise machine might help!

    8. curmudgeon*

      ok, I may be a curmudgeon but I am not alone in my hatred of the sound of basketball!

      Our only option is to put in a fence (not enough room, time for them to grow, or $$ to put in a row of bushes), and I’m torn about that. It might help a little (though I am sure not totally) but it also might make the house darker and feel more closed in. I am loathe to do anything that will negatively impact our sale price.

      We really will be moving in 2 years, as soon as my kid is out of HS. We will move out of town (to get away from the high taxes here), so it makes no sense to move locally now and then again when she is out. So I’m feeling trapped.

  62. Jaid*

    My parents both have a cold, so we’re not going to have dinner tomorrow to celebrate birthdays, etc. Which doesn’t bother me too much, not going out. But Dad refuses to stay home and rest, so he’s out sharing the germs.

    Mind you, I visited Mom and may have picked up something and was out and about this morning.

    I apologize, y’all.

  63. Works in IT*

    Alison, thank you for suggesting the spring toys for my kittens. They love them very much.

    1. My cat is my alarm clock*

      Spring toys? My cat would probably like this! Can you share more info?

      1. Works in IT*

        https://amzn.to/2YDy1bZ
        Alison shared the link in last weekend’s open thread. I emailed her a picture of one of my kittens chasing one, but thought I should also say thank you here in case she misses that.

    2. The Other Dawn*

      My cats love them, but we tend to step on them and then they’re no fun anymore.

  64. Workout music*

    Hi. Does anyone have any recommendations for fast paced music (like the speed of Staying Alive’ by the BeeGees) I can listen to while doing cardio? I get in a rut and need sone new songs. Only requirements are fast tempo and that it be recently released (within the last 6 months). Thanks.

    1. Cruciatus*

      Do you have access to Spotify or other platforms like that? They often have music specifically for workouts and you can actually choose how fast you want the beat to be, and you can generally pick what type of music you want to listen to (newer, indie, etc). And I know you said you wanted new songs, but you can also find apps that will keep your music at your preferred BPM.

    2. Lena Clare*

      There is a playlist for heart resuscitation which has a list of songs with this exact same speed of beat on Spotify. (Apparently Stayin’ Alive is the rhythm for CPR!)

      Try looking up CPR on there. The songs’re not all 6 months old or less, but you might like some of them.

      1. rider on the storm*

        I will Survive is also on that/or similar playlists. I find this most amusing.

        1. valentine*

          Stayin’ Alive is the rhythm for CPR!
          So is “Another One Bites the Dust,” but I hear trainers recommend against it.

          1. FaintlyMacabre*

            My personal CPR favorite is Ice Cube’s “You Can Do It.” It’s motivational!

    3. The New Wanderer*

      I just discovered you can Google this! I am trying to do the same for music I can run to, so I googled the beats per minute of some songs that worked for me, then searched for playlists with that beats per minute count and got a lot of hits. There are preset ones for Spotify etc as well as song lists if you want to build your own.

      Weirdly, searching for BPM for a 10 min pace brings up a pretty wide range so your best bet is to reverse engineer it by knowing what songs already work for you. Nothing worse than having a song that’s just a bit off what you need to set a pace.

    4. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

      Do you like Irish music? Cause a good jig or reel would be more than fast enough. Maybe too fast.

      Somebody’s bound to have released something in the last 6 months, but it’s not a genre that is particularly time sensitive.

    6. Goose*

      I love the DJ Triple XL podcast! It’s the only thing I listen to on runs and races. It’s EDM/Top 40 mixes.

      Note, some are radio friendly, others are the “explicit” mix.

  65. Non-Work Thread So I Won’t Use My Real Fake Screen Name*

    Does anyone own or has anyone used a Peloton bike? Good? Bad? About to get back into the swing of things.

      1. Non-Work Thread So I Won’t Use My Real Fake Screen Name*

        I remember reading this. It took me awhile to disagree with it, but I eventually did.

        I like being motivated by someone. If I didn’t I would be out walking and hiking.

        I can’t deny the fact that it is a stationary bike with 2017 technology on it. But if it helps getting the job done compared to not doing it at all wouldn’t it be a tad justified?

        (Notice I didn’t say “worth it.”)

        I don’t want to see people me trying my best which is some people’s worst. I have never wanted to pay to go to a place I didn’t want to go to do something I didn’t want to do. Nothing else has worked. Might as well try this. :)

        (And the points I made were not made by Pop-Pop. My points had nothing to do with his. He’s not wrong, though.)

        And if all else fails, I needed a new clothes hamper.

    2. SezU*

      I didn’t get one because I am very … er… frugal! But I have a nice hybrid bike for riding in good weather so I bought a trainer and set it up on that for the winter. I got my Kindle and searched for bike ride videos. So I just ride with them through Barcelona or other places. It’s basically somebody’s go-pro video but it does help the time pass. It doesn’t give you the coaching like Peloton or a spin class but my goal was just to be motivated to stay on the bike during the winter.

      2. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

        Roadbike + Blackburn Trackstand = my former work around, plus videos (I didn’t need the competitive motivation – just not to be bored). Had to replace it with a Schwinn Airdyne for Mom (small house, limited space for exercise equipment). But had it long enough to prove that I could do it, but didn’t love it more than my elliptical. I have a bad habit of buying for the life I want, not the time and life I have… so I try to start slightly lower and “earn” the expensive indulgence by “X” months of having the habit and following through consistently. Just me, though… YMMV. I just have a bad track record of thinking that if I own something, I’ll use it….

    3. Call me St. Vincent*

      Yes I have one and I LOVE it. Ask me anything! I have had it since January and both my husband and I use it all the time. I have logged over 65 rides in the time we had it and I have two kids under four. My only regret is not getting one sooner than we did. I wanted one for over a year but was worried it would end up collecting dust. Glad to report the worries were totally unfounded. I am obsessed!

      1. Non-Work Thread So I Won’t Use My Real Fake Screen Name*

        STV,

        Did you get a spintowel for your Peloton? I also wear a 14.5 shoe and Peloton doesn’t make my size. Suggestions? What else did you get for the bike that is non-Peloton branded/after market?

        1. Call me St. Vincent*

          I don’t even know what a spin towel is so I guess the answer is no! :) I got the Peloton shoes, mat, earphones and heart monitor. The heart monitor doesn’t work very well, and I was told by the guys who delivered the Peloton (who were awesome) that any bluetooth headphones work great with it and are fine. I love the Peloton shoes, but I’ve heard that Shimano makes good shoes that are compatible with Peloton. The only thing I have for the bike that is after market is the water bottle and socks. I got the Podium Chill water bottle which works great and fits in the cup holder. For socks, I found a Peloton reddit thread where someone recommended Hidden Comfort compression socks from Amazon that are amazing.

        2. Call me St. Vincent*

          I just posted a big reply but it seems to have gotten lost in the ether somewhere or is stuck in moderation. I don’t know what a spin towel is! I have the Peloton shoes and I think they are great, but I have heard that people (including the instructors) love Shimano shoes. I got the shoes, mat, earphones and heart rate monitor from Peloton. The mat is a must have. The bike works with any bluetooth ear phones so if you have them you can use them. I only use earphones when my kids are sleeping anyway so you don’t need to use them unless you need it to be quiet for someone else in the house/apartment. The heart rate monitor stopped working pretty quickly, not sure if it needs batteries or what.

          In terms of after market, I got the Camelbak Podium Chill water bottle, which is great and fits nicely in the cupholder. I also got Hidden Comfort compression socks from Amazon that work great with the bike shoes.

      1. Non-Work Thread So I won*

        We almost went with the Echelon. And the Nordictrack which has a 20% incline and 10% decline. We will see.

        The new hamper comes next Thursday.

  66. Cows go moo*

    I have a former colleague – much older and married with kids – who started messaging me at night (hey, how are you, are you sleeping now, etc). I ignored it every time and treated him normally when I saw him at work. Whenever he brought me snacks or asked if I wanted to hang out after work I would say no with a blank face.

    It’s been over a year since he quit and he has recently messaged me again. I have had zero contact with him since he resigned and I have no clue why he thinks there’s even a chance of me responding, considering I have ignored every previous contact. He is a disgusting pig and has a reputation at work for being a creepy loser.

    At this point I am so tempted to contact his wife and tell her to check her husband’s phone. A part of me wonders if it’s better to let her live in happy ignorance…and another part of me says if it were me I would want to know.

      1. Anonymous Educator*

        Highly recommend blocking him. Talking to his wife will just bring him more into your life, not less. Block.

        1. valentine*

          Right, block him. You want to get him in trouble without being the one taking him to task. I don’t know why you think his wife can or will do that and she probably knows what he’s like, even if she doesn’t know about you specifically.

      3. Quandong*

        As Lena suggests, block him everywhere including your phone. Don’t engage. Don’t contact his wife.

    3. Zona the Great*

      Please do. My beloved just cheated and left me for a woman he was texting. Wife should know.

      1. StudentA*

        But if he’s crazy, and he’s likely to figure out it’s her, he could flip out on her. I get it, I really do, but worry for the OP.

    4. Square Root Of Minus One*

      Ewww. Not fun.
      I’m on the “block and don’t engage” side, but I would also keep screenshots of what you’ve aleady got in a corner of a hard drive somewhere. Just in case.
      I wouldn’t tell the wife. If you don’t know her, maybe she belongs to the kind who will just turn against you and not her husband. If you just want it to stop, for your well-being, “not my circus” is a good approach.

    5. Call me St. Vincent*

      Not to be an alarmist but, for legal harassment purposes, you should consider asking him not to contact you and then blocking him and not engaging him again. You can literally say “Please do not contact me again. I am blocking you now.” That way there will be a record that you told him to stop. If it ever came to actual harassment or stalking, you would avoid him being able to argue it was “wanted” contact. In the sexual harassment context, contact has to be shown to be “unwanted” which legally equates to the person said stop and they continued anyway. Without you ever telling him to stop, you are opening up to him arguing it was wanted conduct because you never told him to stop. That may sound effed up, but such is the law. You should screenshot the text you send and keep a copy of it for future use just in case.

    6. Observer*

      Tell him ONCE in writing to stop. Then make sure to not respond to ANYTHING he sends you.

      If you can, copy everything he sends you (with date and timestamp) so you have a record. Hopefully, you won’t need it, but if you do it will be handy. If you can automate it somehow (as you would be able to with email) that would be ideal.

      If you and his wife had a relationship, it would be good to give her a heads up that her husband is messaging you and then let it drop. But, since it sounds like you don’t you don’t really have a good way to move forward with that. Anonymous messages to “check your husbands phone” really stink. Sure, it could be someone like you with a legitimate issue, but so often it’s a totally different situation. So, you are not likely to accomplish anything with that. Unless you are willing to actually expose yourself by giving the wife a lot more information, I don’t think there is much you can do.

    7. Non-Work Thread So I Won’t Use My Real Fake Screen Name*

      Blocking works on SOOOO many levels if you can absolutely do it, and by the sounds of it I think you can.

      A response (IMO) to someone you can’t stand indicates that you have at least the inclination to want to text with them. Even if it was friendly at first, human nature suggests that we not be deliberately rude to people.

      That is thrown out the window with cases like this.

      The block usually results in the person escalating their responses. As the needle goes up the scale, so do the “not as nice” comments. Once the scale tips, eventually (I hope) this person gets the message that you will not be in contact with them anymore. As long as you keep the block on, what took them ABDE… to get to, you will already be long through the alphabet having forgotten about them. Nothing else is required from you as long as the block stays on. Out of sight, out of mind. They can’t reach you. End of discussion. No matter what they are saying you will never know, and that is a good thing.

      However, the SECOND you unblock them or respond, the cycle starts at square one again. I have known people who have sworn a block on people and it has lasted three days. Then they get angry over the messages they are receiving.

      Technology CAN be a good thing.

  67. My cat is my alarm clock*

    Thanks for the tips last week about my plantar hyperhidrosis. I’ve tried Zero Sweat and I think I must be doing it wrong as it’s not working that well. I don’t know how to get even coverage when you are meant to only use a little, applying it makes my hands dry out and a big part of the problem seems to be my toes so am I meant to totally coat those? I just don’t understand what I’m doing wrong and I’m getting very, very depressed about it.

    1. Ali G*

      Have you tried applying it with cotton balls or those foam makeup triangles? It sounds like your hands are absorbing it before your feet. You need something not absorbent to apply it with, maybe?

      1. My cat is my alarm clock*

        I feel so stupid – I have no idea why that didn’t occur to me! I’ll try using foam sponges, that’s a great tip, thanks!

    2. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      Could you try applying it while wearing non-porous gloves? That way, it wouldn’t sink in to your hands and would just end up on your feet.

      You can get a pack of 100 of what I think of as “school cafeteria” gloves at Dollar Tree (I can’t remember what they’re actually called, but it feels like the same stuff they make plastic single-use grocery bags out of). I use mine for when I want to leave coconut oil on my hands for long enough for it to really sink in, but don’t want to try to avoid touching things, but I suspect they would work equally well for your task.

      1. My cat is my alarm clock*

        Thanks. I have no idea why I thought I had to use my hands. I’ve just lost all ability to think critically about this – thank you for helping me!

    3. chi chan*

      Can you wear sandals or open shoes for a while. Like for a weekend or a week if you can with work don’t wear closed shoes at all. That will readjust your sweating and hopefully it will stop.

      1. My cat is my alarm clock*

        Open shoes don’t make much difference – only going barefoot helps.

      2. Rainy*

        When someone has hyperhydrosis, open shoes doesn’t stop the feet sweating, it just means that the sweat evaporates more readily. There’s no way to “reset your sweating”–it’s a medical condition.

        Alas.

          1. Rainy*

            This is a lot like that thing where people who’ve never had a migraine tell me to power through because they work through headaches all the time. :P

            MEDICAL CONDITIONS PEOPLE.

    4. Non-Work Thread So I Won’t Use My Real Fake Screen Name*

      I’d like the record to show that I also don’t need an alarm clock anymore. When one of my five cats goes “HCCK, HCCCK, HCCCK *HAIRBALL” I start the espresso.

  68. Ali G*

    First World Rant ahead:
    On Thursday we had a “micro burst” here in Northern VA. We lost power for about 12 hours. Others still don’t have power. They are obviously doing work nearby because about every 20 minutes or so the power goes out for 1-2 minutes and then comes back on. It is amazing how annoying/disruptive it is:
    1. My husband is trying to paint the unfinished portion of the basement – so no windows – so every time the power goes out he is in the dark
    2. Every time the power comes back, the wifi is a little slower to come back, so Alexa tells me she can’t find the network and I should check the directions for connecting her
    3. I have to reboot the Fios box
    At this point I am just glad we were planning on grilling tonight. I might even give up on the TV and go magazines/kindle until this passes. I’m trying not to be annoyed because there are people like 4 blocks from us who are going on 3 days without power – this too shall pass!

    1. SezU*

      Wow! I had no idea you guys had all this going on. Over here (about an hour or so SE of you) we got a quick torrential rain and that’s it! Thank goodness for grills!

  69. Gatomon*

    I’m looking at moving out of my long-term apartment after many years, but I have a weird bit of potential damage I’m not sure what to do about. I really like dark blue items (towels, sheets, clothes) and over the years, the dryer has turned blue on the inside around the drum. I’ve never had this happen with any other dryer I’ve ever used with these exact items, but it’s very obvious the second you look inside the machine.

    Maybe my landlord won’t check the inside of the dryer or care, but if they do, I don’t want to be charged the cost of a new dryer (it belongs to them). Anyone seen this before or have any ideas on how to get it off?

    1. Not A Manager*

      If it’s a long-term lease, I’d argue that this is normal wear and tear, and it doesn’t affect the actual functioning of the machine. (Does it transfer blue onto other colors that you’re drying? No? Good.) In no world should you have to pay for a new machine.

      I’d just expect that the landlord won’t complain. If they do, you can ask them how much it will cost to have a professional clean the machine and offer to pay that, or, you can offer to pay them what a used machine of the same make and model would cost, so they can replace it with one that doesn’t have a blue drum.

      They do not get a windfall new dryer out of the deal.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      I’d try some peppermint soap and a dish scrubby of some type.
      If it’s going to work you’ll know pretty soon because you will see the blue running down the sides.
      Or you might try Barkeeper’s Friend.
      Then run an empty load to make sure you get all the soap out.

    4. Jan*

      I’ve definitely seen that. It’s normal wear and tear. I wouldn’t worry about it. It’s just some dryers do that, it isn’t your stuff or your fault.

      The landlord should only be deducting from your security deposit if you were irresponsible or negligent and there was damage as a result. Using a dryer as it was intended, even if you dry dark blue stuff, doesn’t fall under that.

    5. FaintlyMacabre*

      Pretty sure that would fall under normal wear and tear, but hydrogen peroxide might work.

    6. Jules the First*

      Cleaning dryers is tricky because you have to use something not flammable. Ask a Clean Person covered it on a podcast (possibly recently, but I’m listening to them out of order so not sure) – try one of the large appliance cleaning episodes?

    7. Gatomon*

      Thanks all! If it’s normal wear and tear then I won’t worry about it too much. It doesn’t appear to transfer to my whites or anything, and I’m afraid trying to get it off will make it worse or cause more damage.

      Landlords out here are huge jerks about move out (tons of college kids to prey on basically). Maybe I am just panicking for no reason. I’m looking at purchasing something and the whole thought of taking action (I’m going to call some Realtors next week) is making me super anxious.

  70. Tips for dating as an overweight, depressed, mostly-hetero man?*

    I’m 6’2″, 385 lb. I’m working on losing the weight: when I started, I was at 400 lb and about to have Type II Diabetes; now my blood sugar is still a bit high, but not dangerously so. Been working on eating healthier, and will start going on a keto-lite diet next week, to be gradually turned into a true keto diet over several months.

    I gained this weight because I went through a really shitty three years straight and wanted to die, and figured that since offing myself wasn’t acceptable, I’d just shorten my life span. I changed my gameplan when I got in touch with parts of myself that I actually like, e.g. my lifelong art hobby and starting to play D&D for the first time ever.

    Problem is, I still got a lot of emotional hangover; combined with the weight, I often think of how anyone would actually want to date me. This is even though I think there’s someone at the convenience store in town who’s attracted to me who I’d be open to date, if it weren’t for the fact that I’m trying to find work there and don’t want to crap where I eat. But my point is, I’m absolutely full of crap for thinking I can’t find a partner, and yet here I am.

    Part of rehabilitating myself will be starting to date once college is done, because I’m focusing on getting the last bits of my degree out of the way by winter, and don’t want to fall behind on that. Already had a couple of delays there, don’t want any more. A large part of that is getting past a couple of really nasty failures that happened in the last 5 years that helped plunge me into my depression. Part of that will probably be accepting that even though I’m mostly attracted to women, there is the odd man here and there that makes my heart skip a beat.

    So, yeah. How to sort this all out?

    1. fposte*

      No easy answers there, but good for you on getting better and on heading towards the completion of your degree. You didn’t by any chance happen to post here a few years ago, did you? I’d love to think that he went back to finish his degree, because he was really thinking about it.

      2. Tips for dating as an overweight, depressed, mostly-hetero man?*

        I might not be the same guy, but I have posted here before a bunch of different times. I’m the guy who’s dad died in 2016 who had to sell off most of the crap at the family’s house and move to be near family in a new part of the country. I’ve been working on my Master’s as continuously as I can, and am officially still on it, but I had a crappy bit of burnout, and I’ve spent the last few years wanting to die. I’ve only got out of that recently with a couple of adult education courses in stuff I’m interested in (i.e. hobbies), and am feeling better, but there’s still a bit of emotional hangover.

        Don’t think I’m the same guy, because I’ve technically still been going after my degree, and I’ve posted a few times here recently under different usernames (not a regular AAM commenter). But my best wishes to the guy who was thinking of going back and getting his degree.

        1. fposte*

          I think you’re probably not the same guy, then, but I’m still very glad to hear things are looking up for you. That sounds like it was a really bad time, and it’s wonderful that you came out of it.

    2. chi chan*

      Try to make low key connections with people right now, friends, and people you can invite to activities and who invite you back. Listen and polish your own conversation skills. Since you are dealing with a lot right now don’t pressurize yourself about dating. If it happens then give it a shot. Otherwise try not to beat yourself up about it.

    3. StudentA*

      Look up like this book on Amazon: All Bets Are Off by Betsy Hartley. Not much help in the dating stuff but it totally changed my outlook.

      Kudos on making headway. The only advice I really have is to be positive and pleasant to be around. Work on your depression so that comes mostly organically, but the rest you’ll have to muster. And be honest about being mostly heterosexual, albeit at the right time and not just with any girl.

    4. LibbyG*

      Well, I think you are sorting it out. You’re setting planful goals for your health, wrapping up a degree, identifying negative self-talk that’s standing in your way. All great steps.

      Maybe it would help to spend some time with fat acceptance/HAES messages? All that Instagram here-I-am-well-dressed-loving-life-with-friends-and-lovers kinds of messages? Are you in a space where you sort of have to give yourself permission to really live?

    5. Ellie*

      Regarding dating: to find the right person, you have to be the right person (i.e., be your best self, a self you are happy to be). No one wants to hear that, of course, especially when we live in a culture that is absolutely fixated on romantic pairings, but it’s a lot healthier to focus on taking care of yourself and crafting a life you love than focusing on looking for a romantic relationship. Take care of your health (physical, mental, emotional), do great in your classes, make friends as you go through life, and it will all be ok.

    6. Quandong*

      My advice is to seek a counsellor to talk with and get support as you continue to recover from your depression and suicidal ideation. You’ve done a lot of hard work to get to where you are now! You deserve support and help as you approach another transition from college life, contemplate dating, and come to terms with your sexuality.
      You might like to think about whether joining a queer community online could form part of this support.

      I hope you have access to counselling through college or some student support programs? But if not, check out Captain Awkward’s guest post https://captainawkward.com/2017/10/03/guest-post-14-free-and-low-cost-mental-health-resources/

      As a fat person who took up dating in their 30s post-divorce, I found the experience required a lot of resilience, and it was quite emotionally taxing. My suggestion for you right now is to pursue anything you can do to develop your resilience, practice a ‘growth’ mindset, and learn what you need to feel content and interested in life.

      Don’t focus purely on your appearance, including your weight; that’s just one facet of you as a person, it’s not an indicator of your worth or your loveability. Develop your friendships and build a Team You – this is so important no matter what happens with your romantic relationships and dating.

    7. This really REALLY needs to be anon*

      People have a lot of really good advice, but I just want you to know that I’ve always been sexually attracted to big men. Not just tall, but heavy too. Think John Goodman in the early Roseanne. I realize you’ve been looking at the images that surround us and thinking that this is what everyone likes, but it’s just not true. And if you’re warm and open and pleasant to be around, swoon….

      I’m very happily married so if we met, I’d never let on, but oooh, I’d be thinking things!

    8. Not So NewReader*

      I have no idea what your answers are. But I do know that for life changes the best answer is one step at a time.
      So. How about making women friends? How’s that part coming along?
      That would be a good solid step to be doing right now.
      Someone said, “It’s through our friendships we find out what we want in a life partner.” The thing I would like to caution you about is not to be too focused on “who would be attracted to me”, because this can be a bad set up. I’d like to encourage you to think about what YOU would like in a LT partner. It’s a two way street, please remind yourself of that. It’s not a long term plan to love someone for the simple reason they love us and we believe that not many other people would love us. Your wants count here. Please have some ideas of what YOU would like.

      I hope you chuckle. My friend has been married and divorced twice. After giving it a lot of thought he realized that he wants a partner who shares his interest in the outdoors. He does a lot of outdoor activities and it would be good to have a partner who joined him so they can enjoy time together. He has decided that he is looking for someone who likes hunting or fishing or hiking etc. Now this sounds too simple to be of any real meaning, but it goes on. He is interested in edible plants. He is interested in using plants for medicinal purposes. He likes to watch the birds and learn about animals. You see how this interest in the outdoors has many different angles and is a little more well thought out than one might realize.
      So when I say to start thinking about what you want in a LTR, this does not have to be hard. It’s probably right in front of you and you are already doing it.

      1. Tips for dating as an overweight, depressed, mostly-hetero man?*

        Thanks. I’ve made a number of female friends through hobbies, so that part’s down. I went through a really shitty MRA phase during the darkest part of my depression, but I’ve decided to leave that behind me, several months before the incel-perpetrated attacks occurred and all this got thrust into the public eye.

    9. Lemonwhirl*

      Well done on working on you – keep putting in that time and doing that work.

      Also, find places to volunteer or clubs to join to have fun and meet people in a low pressure way. If something happens then, with someone you meet, great. But if not, you’ve made some friends/learned some skills/put something good into the world.

      1. Tips for dating as an overweight, depressed, mostly-hetero man?*

        Thanks! Working on finding volunteer spots as we speak.

    10. Star Nursery*

      No advice, just wanted to say it’s great that you are working on finding ways to like yourself and your life! I heard a song by Switchfoot at one moment of my life that was an aha moment about liking myself today; appreciating my life now instead of always looking to what I want someday… I was single and thinking about wanting to be in a relationship. It’s great to work towards goals and towards finding ways to be your best you but don’t loose sight that you are living life today, even with your degree not yet finished etc. “This is your life. Are you who you want to be?”

    11. epi*

      Hi! You remind me of my husband around when he was finishing college (also later than planned).

      If it helps, I can tell you that my husband has been some level of overweight as long as I’ve known him, my attraction to him is neither because of nor in spite of his weight, and I think I am pretty normal in that regard. About 2/3 of Americans are overweight or obese. It can feel very lonely and othering to be big, but truly, your body is normal. Among women who date men, the most common non-negotiable thing you must have is a respectful attitude and the sense that you are a safe person to get to know and spend time alone with. Everything else, including your appearance, will be about people’s personal preferences and values. You sound like a thoughtful and nice person, so good job!

      I can’t tell from your post if you are still seeing a therapist, but I would really highly recommend it. A good one will help you process the thoughts and feelings that might come up as you go through these huge transitions in your life. You may find that things that are supposed to be positive, like starting a new job and meeting new people, bring up unexpected feelings of anxiety and self-doubt. As your life and circumstances change, it may not be obvious anymore if an activity is truly self care, or how to apply coping skills to totally new situations.

      I also have a history of gaining significant weight during a period of bad depression. I can sympathize with feeling like you are still wearing a terrible time in your life. Here are a few things that have helped me, my husband, or both with that cluster of issues:
      – Pay attention to how your food and activity affects your mood. There will be times that nothing much appears to be happening with weight loss/weight management. Knowing that your activities are also helping your mood/sleep/social life/whatever will help you keep going.
      – Have a few exercises you like are different in focus, intensity, and demands on your time. If you get sick of one, switch without guilt or hesitation. Remember this about about feeling good!
      – Find a way to have standing appointments with friends and people you are getting to know. D&D is great for that. So is having a Meetup group, a workout buddy, or a standing lunch date with a friend. This will bring the emotional intensity of those interactions way down because you can actually build closeness slowly over time. You won’t need to “close” each hangout feeling confident that the other person will immediately want to call you.
      – Keep an accomplishments list or a compliment file you can return to later. Often depressed people don’t really honor our positive points and achievements. Going from pre-diabetic to normal or near normal blood sugar, for example, is a huge accomplishment and if it were me, I’d be finding a little time to feel good about that every day. Same thing with finishing your degree and accepting your sexuality. These are great things that should not be celebrated only once!
      – Schedule things that make you feel good to make sure they are happening. This is especially helpful with staying in touch with family and friends. Remind yourself to reach out to people you care about, just to say hi. This will also make it easier to relax as you meet new people, knowing you have a lot of meaningful relationships already.

    12. Here's The Thing*

      Here’s what’s up: I’m a straight woman, I’m 5’3″ and my husband is 6’1″ and has ranged between 350 and 450 lbs while we’ve been together. He’s cute, smart, makes me laugh, and we have a fantastic love life. When I met him, he worked at a big-box store and lived in his buddy’s attic. But I met a smart, attentive, sexy force of nature who really just had lost his way and needed someone to believe he could do more. He had emotional issues, but so do I, and nothing was insurmountable. Society these days tends to lead you to believe that you can get everything you need to know about someone off the back of a baseball card, but those aren’t the things that make a relationship work. There are people who will see you inside and want to connect, but you have to believe it too. good luck!

  71. RegularPosterButAnonToday*

    Posting here because I know a bunch of ace people post here as well. Of course anyone else is welcome to comment too.

    I’ve identified as ace for the past 6-7 years, and have never dated. I never really wanted to. Before I heard about asexuality, I didn’t really identify as anything, though I just didn’t date. When I started learning more about different sexual orientations, I found that asexuality fit me best.

    But now at the age of 36 I find myself wanting a very close, intimate, and maybe romantic relationship with a friend. I think maybe I want to date her? I don’t even know how to approach this with her because she knows I’m ace (she’s gay, I’m a woman), and so I’m worried she will feel betrayed…like, the way a woman might feel betrayed by a man she let get close because he said he’s gay, and then suddenly he says he has a thing for her.

    It also feels really unfair to ask a friend to…I guess experiment?…with me. (If she were even interested, which she very well may not be interested at all.) I’m still pretty sure I don’t feel sexual attraction…but it is definitely some kind of attraction. So I don’t even know how it would go even if she were game. (Although I guess no one ever knows how things will go when starting to date, I know.) I know some ace people do have sexual relationships and I’m not opposed to trying one but I’m not sure how to say “Hey, do you want to try this with me? Warning, I might hate it, oh also, I have no experience at all.”

    And to make this all even more complicated, this friend is a friend from work (who I am friends with outside of work as well) so if our friendship got weird that would be extra weird at work.

    I guess I’m just really confused by all this and I don’t know what to do. My crush on her is getting out of hand and I’m not sure I won’t blurt something out eventually. What do I do? I don’t know how to figure this out without telling her about it, but I also feel like it is wrong to tell her about it before I’ve figured it out.

    Any thoughts would be appreciated. I don’t have anyone in real life I feel I can discuss this with.

    1. Troutwaxer*

      I’d bring it up patiently. Don’t discuss your romantic feelings at all, but when the conversation gets there, (and don’t force it) let her know that you’re starting to think maybe you’re not completely ace and you’re thinking of dating. Period. Don’t go any further, and let her become used to the idea of a non-ace RegularPosterButAnonForToday. Also therapy if you’re not already getting it; not because you’re ace, but because obviously you’re going through a life-change at this point and have some potential for screwing things up for yourself.

      Lastly, one of the skills we non-ace people develop over time is to let a crush happen without you; that is, note that you’re having it, don’t act on it, and let it go away when it wants to. This can be very hard sometimes, but it is an essential emotional skill for the non-ace person.

      1. RegularPosterButAnonForToday*

        Therapy is definitely something I want to do, but I can’t find a therapist in my area taking new patients! It is seriously ridiculous. I have contacted several therapists myself and have tried going through my work EAP and another therapist finder service, but can’t find anyone with availability when I need it.

        I want to clarify that I still identify as ace, but am thinking I might want to try relationship ace rather than non relationship ace, but I otherwise take your point.

        How long do crushes last? Because it has been 18 months and my feelings for her have only increased.

          1. valentine*

            How long do crushes last?
            As long as you feed them, just like fire.

            If she weren’t a colleague, I would say proceed only if you’re willing to lose the friendship.
            Because she’s a colleague, douse the crush. Even if you’re willing to have to leave jobs, a fundamental part of your life is in flux. Don’t add to that.

            1. Not So NewReader*

              Great advice: Do not proceed unless you are willing to lose a friendship.
              I have seen this happen a few times. When the love interest exits they take the friendship away also.

      2. Ace In The Hole*

        Please don’t suggest that wanting to date means you are not ace! RPBAFT didn’t indicate that their sexual identity has changed. They can be ace and date.

        1. Troutwaxer*

          I agree. The OP is still ace. (I know a couple ace people, so please don’t assume ignorance on my part.)

          1. acmx*

            It’s that your post literally said she was not “used to the idea of a non-ace RegularPosterButAnonForToday”

    2. Jules the First*

      You can be romantic and asexual. Just because you are not interested in sex doesn’t mean that you are never allowed to form intimate emotional bonds with others. Some ace people don’t do emotional relationships, some do…and sometimes having a deep, intimate emotional relationship makes an ace person willing to have a sexual relationship because it is important to their partner. The most important thing about your sexuality is that it is *your* sexuality, which means you get to define it however the darn heck it is.

    3. WS*

      You can talk to your friend about this. Orientations can change over time. BUT the most important thing is that you need to be ready for her to say no, she’s not interested, and to take that with good grace. I don’t think you need to have 100% figured things out first (my girlfriend of 10 years identified as straight for a long time before realising she was bi) and things can be different with different people.

      Also, you don’t have to go straight from “asexual” to “sexual” – the two of you might find something you both enjoy in between, which might be a romantic friendship.

    4. AnonForThisComment*

      Maybe try thinking through a few scenarios: your ideal outcome, your worst-possible outcome, what you would be willing to try.

      I’m a demisexual aromantic in a relationship with an ace guy. He’s happy to have sex but only if I initiate, and I’m not quite at that point. That doesn’t make our relationship any less real, or either of us less ace.

      Maybe you’re like my bf, and you’re happy to have sex if your partner wants to. Maybe you want an intense romantic but not sexual relationship. Maybe it’s something else. But you haven’t deceived your friend by developing feelings for her. It happens. I sometimes get that with close friends, because sexual attraction is tied to emotional connection for me. I’ve always fallen on the side of not pursuing it, because I found the existing friendship more important than a potential relationship, but you may feel differently.

      1. Quest*

        Hi, please excuse my ignorance but I’m curious about your being an aromantic who’s in a relationship. I understand that asexuals can be in romantic romantic relationships without having sex (or occasionally having sex if they decide to, for their partner) — and please correct me if I’m wrong on this. But I thought that “aromantic” meant a person who is not interested in romantic relationships? Again, sorry for my ignorance!

        1. AnonForThisComment*

          Yes, that’s technically true, but just like an ace person might occasionally be interested in/willing to have sex, some aro people are willing to have relationships. I wouldn’t say in in love with my bf, but I do love him, and this relationship is definitely more than a friendship, but I don’t really “get” romance. Probably doesn’t help that I am also non-monogamous: I don’t do traditional relationships at all

    5. Emily*

      First, I’m going to echo everyone else who says that being ace doesn’t preclude romantic feelings or dating! (It seems like you know that, but I’m clarifying for anyone reading this who doesn’t realize.)

      Second, the thing where you’re both work friends and friend-friends makes it a little tougher. I don’t have great advice for that, but maybe you should think a little bit about best- and worst-case scenarios, like someone else suggested. If you try dating and it goes well and both of you are on the same page, what might that look like to you? If you try dating and it goes badly, will it be mildly uncomfortable or will it implode your life?

      Third, I’m on the ace spectrum and in a romantic/sometimes sexual relationship with someone and I said something very similar to your “Hey, do you want to try this with me? Warning, I might hate it, oh also, I have no experience at all,” script when I started dating my current partner. He agreed and it’s mostly worked out*, but you should be prepared for the possibility that the person you’re interested in might not be up for that, or you might try it and find out you’re not compatible in that respect.

      *He had never heard of asexuality before and apparently didn’t fully grasp that me not liking sex at all was a serious possibility *facepalm*, but we’ve mostly learned together what is and isn’t okay for me. Since the person you’re interested in already knows you’re ace, she will probably be less dumb about it than my partner was.

    6. RegularPosterButAnonToday*

      Thanks all. It’s really nice to hear from other aces, since I don’t know any IRL.

      A couple of people have mentioned best and worst case scenarios, and I’ve definitely gone over those in my head! (A lot! Haha.)

      I mean I think best case scenario would be I speak up, she is into the idea of trying it out with me, we find something that works for both of us, and we have a nice relationship that we both find satisfying. I’m not opposed to trying out sexual stuff, because even though I don’t have any kind of sexual feelings, it still might be nice to be close in that way? I could be wrong about that but I’m OK with trying.

      Worst case scenario? Well, I know it might look like worst case scenario is I say something, she is completely grossed out by the idea and doesn’t want to be friends anymore and things are tense with us at work, as well as my feelings being really hurt and feeling humiliated. But another worst case scenario is that we continue to be friends, I say nothing, she starts dating someone else (she is single now) and I take it badly and our friendship crumbles and then not only is it weird at work, but she may feel anger towards me for being jealous.

      If I had to bet on the most likely scenario, though, it is that I tell her, she says something like “I’m flattered but I think that’s a bad idea since we work together” (whether or not that’s true or she just is trying not to hurt my feelings because she isn’t into me) and then things are slightly awkward and maybe we are OK at work but don’t hang out much outside of work. That would be a real loss for me, because I do really enjoy spending time with her even just as friends and I don’t have a ton of friends locally.

      There have been some moments when there is a flicker of something I interpret of her maybe liking me back, but…I’m not really sure on that and it could be wishful thinking on my part!

      Anyway, thanks for your thoughts. I really appreciate this space where we can talk about such personal things so safely!

    7. Anon Anon Anon*

      As other commenters have said, don’t feel guilty about what might be a change or exception to the norm in your orientation. That stuff happens! Orientations are mostly generalizations. Some people do completely fall into those boxes; other times, it means, “This is who I’m usually attracted to / what I usually experience.” It’s not at all weird to feel attracted to a friend and for that to be outside of your orientation identity. That can happen.

      I’m going to go against the grain a bit and say that you don’t need to literally tell your friend that you feel attracted to her. You can feel things out first, starting with some kind of middle ground. That might make it easier to preserve the friendship and avoid awkwardness.

      You could start by telling her you might not be aromantic and that you’re kind of exploring your identity and feeling open to dating people. And talk about how you feel about trying that while having less experience than people who are not ace. A conversation about that general topic could be good.

      Then, later on, try the things that people often do to initially hint at attraction. Give her awesome compliments. Be amazingly extra nice. Maybe try giving her a very small yet fun surprise gift or just going out of your way to show that you care. Then see how she responds. Does she seem to be reservedly polite and sort of putting up walls? Then revert to normal friendship. Or does she seem like she might like you as much? Then maybs ask if you can give her a hug, make it an enthusiastic hug, and see how she seems to feel – wanting to hug more or backing off. If she seems to like all of this, that’s a good time to open up. I mean, if you end up having a really great, long hug, that would be a good time to invite her out for a meal or something else date-like and open up about your feelings. Or stay in a place where you both feel really comfortable and talk about your feelings. And it would be fine to talk about not being sure what you’re feeling and what you want. As a non-ace, what you said was really understandable and I would be empathetic if someone said something similar to me.

  72. Goose*

    Hi all! Thanks so much for your encouraging words a few weeks ago. Glad I’m not out of line for thinking my BIL should buy his own damn food.

    My husband actually brought it up this week that my FIL was excited that maybe BIL would learn how to grocery shop for himself during this time. DH also clarified that he in no way expected me to shop for BIL and wants BIL to be independent and grow the f up. During DH’s last deployment, I did all the shopping and I resented it. I should have never let that happen, but lesson learned and I made sure I was clear that I would not be doing that this deployment.

    A few asked if I would be willing to buy groceries for him if I am buying some for myself this second time around and I’m torn. I have previously asked if he needs anything, to text me, make a list, send smoke signals, what-the-F-ever, and it never happened. I just knew what to buy because I knew what he generally ate. I decided that it would be best for my sanity if i made it a hard No rule, but I still feel a little guilty.

    There has been some progress though. BIL did go to the grocery store on Monday for the first time in weeks. And he ordered 36 bottles of Soylent on auto delivery every month! (I actually like chocolate Soylent as a snack…a 400 calorie snack, LOL. I can’t do drinks as meal replacements though.)
    ——
    I have a kind of tangent Part B that I’d like to get off my chest. If you care to read it, I’m going to reply to this comment.

    1. TheFacelessOldWomanWhoSecretlyLivesinYour House*

      I think you did the right thing. Stick to no.

      1. Quandong*

        I agree with FacelessOldWoman, even if you feel kind of guilty – stick to your hard no.

        I’d be cautiously optimistic that BIL went to the grocery store and organized some food for auto delivery, but it’s only a start in the direction you’d like him to go. I find it…interesting and strange that FIL and DH are ‘hoping’ that BIL will somehow learn how to be independent and show markers of what they consider ‘grown up’, while living with you. How do they expect this to come about? You aren’t a stranger, there are obvious consequences to you if BIL is an immature and irresponsible housemate, and there is a clear gendered component to the situation.

        1. Goose*

          Agreed. I feel like they’re both…aloof? about the whole thing. Neither expects me to show or teach him how to do it and they haven’t thought beyond “eh, he’ll figure it out, not Goose’s problem.” I feel the gendered component comes more from my MIL. She has been a little distant with me since we moved/DH left and I wonder if it’s because of this crap/general old school 1950s sense of, why isn’t DIL helping out the family (aka: my son) more while her husband’s away?

          This past week when BIL came back from the grocery store he said didn’t get much, enough juice for 2-3 weeks and frozen meals for a few days. I asked if he made a list or he had thought about the foods he liked to eat. I got a shoulder shrug.

          Despite all this venting, BIL and I do get along well as people, but lord help me he is an awful housemate.

          This whole experience has made me map out at what ages I will start teaching or talking about things like cooking, money management, bills, credit cards, heathy relationships, mental health, home/car maintenance and of course grocery shopping etc. to my hypothetical children.

          1. Observer*

            I asked if he made a list or he had thought about the foods he liked to eat. I got a shoulder shrug.

            Do yourself *and BIL* a favor – don’t do that. Don’t coach him, ask him questions (of the sort that should make a reasonable person think about what he’s doing), etc. This is still more work that you need to be doing and it’s not even especially helpful. For whatever reason your BIL is not really learning anything from you.

    2. Goose*

      Part B:

      So DH is deployed and returns either at the end of the year or in early 2020. During the last yearlong deployment, I preoccupied myself with work (so much extra work), art, letters to DH, travel, family, and friends. This time around…I mostly want to be alone. I see my parents and grandmother frequently, but I don’t really have the mental energy for anyone else unless it’s DH, who I am lucky enough to be able to talk with frequently. I don’t think I’m being honest with myself. Maybe I’m a little depressed this time?
      Last weekend I was driving back home from my parents house and I left several hours later than I wanted to and I was irritate. I couldn’t figure out why I was so mad. And then it hit me. I was only going to be in my house, alone, for about 3 hours before my BIL arrived from work. Other than for work, BIL very rarely leaves the house. Saturday’s are the only day I get more than a few hours to myself and I was upset that I didn’t get to have ~my~ day to clean my house then veg in peace while playing Gilmore Girls in the background for the nth time.
      I will be taking another monthlong work trip in a few months and BIL told me that he was planning to take a week off while I was gone. I became jealous. Why? Because he gets to spend time in the house alone! The beautiful, newish place DH and I bought right before DH left that I have never had the chance to savor by myself for more than 9 hours aaallloooonnneee. And then BIL tells me my in laws will be coming here for the holidays. What?! Y’all didn’t even ask me! The 3rd (guest) bedroom is completely empty. I have nothing for y’all to sleep on. I might not even be here. I might go back to the ol’ county with my mom and grandma, especially if DH isn’t back yet. I am annoyed…but everything will be fine.

      1. Lilysparrow*

        I feel you. There is a special joy about being alone at home that is not like going out to do “me time” on your own. I get very, very irritable and slightly depressed if I go too long without it.

        Maybe BIL’s trip will get delayed somehow and he’ll go away after you are back. Or he’ll enjoy his trip so much that he’ll travel more. Fingers crossed.

        1. valentine*

          If you had a broken foot or otherwise couldn’t run errands, would BIL do the grocery run for you? Would he volunteer to even schedule and receive the delivery? Or would that only happen if DH or another man insisted? Not that he should have to and not that you should feel guilty, but if the answer’s no, I hope that erases your guilt. Where’s that coming from, anyway? Do FIL or DH feel guilty for doing nothing to ensure you have your house to yourself whenever you need to? FIL and DH could at any time teach BIL how to live and fend for himself or how to be a good roommate to another guy (because dumping him on you is sexist). Does BIL even pay rent? He has no reason to leave. You’re the only one pushing back on his sweet deal.

          You don’t have to tolerate any of this. When you consider the Sheelzebub Principle, how much longer are you going to let BIL (and now his parents!) commandeer your house? It’s like you’re not family, just the property’s caretaker and groundskeeper. I would say no to the in-laws and other visitors, evict BIL (in accordance with local law), and establish times he needs to be out of the house until his eviction date.

        1. Goose*

          Due to his income, BIL pays 1/5th. DH and I each pay 2/5ths.

          When we were younger, DH and I, BIL, and DH’s best friend all lived together so we could all save money. Friend went back to school a few years ago, got a great job, has a gf, and is doing well.

          I had no issue until DH’s last deployment. Before then I would have told you I enjoyed living together. We all worked different schedules and had our own space. In his absence, it was clear DH was the buffer. Upon DH’s return I said that we needed to live on our own, but then DH was tagged for another (unexpected) deployment and we only had a few weeks to figure a lot of things out.

          Is this worth 1/5th of my mortgage being paid? Financially, sure it helps. Mentally, I don’t think it’s worth it.

          1. WellRed*

            It’s natural to prefer different living arrangements as you grow up. Since it’s your house, you could consider telling BIL you’d like more alone time in the house. It’s not an unreasonable request.

      3. Quandong*

        I also need lots of time alone in my home, which is one reason I’ll probably live by myself for as long as possible.

        It’s very uncool for BIL to arrange for your ILs to come to your house for the holidays without even asking you. I’m furious on your behalf!

        If you want to push back on this, check out Captain Awkward’s site – she’s written great advice for situations like yours (both having a dreadful BIL housemate, and dealing with houseguests you didn’t invite).

        1. ..Kat..*

          I think Goose should let BIL manage for his guests – buying food for them, cooking for them, entertaining them, buying a bed for the guest bedroom, etc.

          1. Washi*

            Agreed! Goose, in your place I would probably go “You invited your parents for the holidays? Sounds lovely! I’ll be at my parents but I’ll give you all a call on Christmas to say hi.” (or whatever)

            If he starts talking about how the guest room isn’t set up, just tell him that since he issued the invite, you figured he had a plan for how to host his guests.

            1. Lucy*

              I think there’s a significant possibility BIL thinks Goose will be away so his parents can use Goose&DH’s room. Nice big bed ready made up.

              1. Lucy*

                Or that if it isn’t, Goose will of course vacate the master in her inlaws’ favour and ? camp on the floor of the third bedroom.

                Because faaaaaaaaamily.

      4. Not So NewReader*

        I will be the odd voice here.
        I would be hopping mad. It’s my house. It’s not my BILs house to use as a motel. I don’t care that it’s my parents-in-law. It’s MY house. You need to ask permission to have ANYONE over. And you need to totally and thoroughly clean up BEFORE and AFTER they leave. Can’t do it yourself, BIL? Then you need to hire some one. Did I mention it’s MY house?!

        This thing of not asking permission would really get me rolling. I am not the maid and I am not running a Bed and Breakfast here. For me it would not be jealousy. I would just feel like I am being used, period.

        This guy is a person who will take a yard if you give him an inch. Really.

        1. Observer*

          I don’t think you are the odd voice here. No one seems to think that inviting the IL’s over was in any way reasonable.

      5. Observer*

        Can you put your foot down and say that you can’t have your IL’s coming for the holidays?

        Your BIL is totally overstepping the line in making invitations without even discussing it with you, and I think it’s reasonable for you to push back on that.

        I also get the issue with wanting alone time, and I sympathize. I just don’t have anything sensible to offer.

    3. Not A Manager*

      I think that your husband’s deployment gives you and him a nice opportunity to discuss how to kindly transition your BIL out when your husband returns. Until then, you should blandly absent yourself from his needs as much as possible. This includes scheduling yourself to be away when he’s having overnight guests.

      Obviously you and your husband know best what will work in terms of transitioning BIL out. It sounds like he will need reasonable notice, and probably a sincere offer to HELP him LEARN how to manage his own self when he’s not living with you. Hopefully this would include sitting down with him to strategize things like How To Find An Apartment, How To Find A Roommate, What Supplies I Need To Pack My Own Stuff, etc.

      It might also include things like offering to take him on a field trip to the grocery store, or being available for four cooking lessons in your kitchen before he leaves, or letting him assist you with housecleaning with an eye to being able to manage it himself.

      My guess is that he won’t avail himself of any of that stuff once he realizes that you really intend to help him help himself, and that you’re not just doing it for him. Oh, well.

      The really important thing, I think, is that you and your husband are on the same page about having a clear plan and schedule to get your BIL out of your house. If you want a roommate to help you with 1/5 of the mortgage, you can probably find one who comes with less baggage.

    4. Observer*

      Stick to your hard no. Normally, I’d say that offering to get him something WHEN you are going WHEN he lets you know is a reasonable thing to do. But this guy clearly needs to have a stronger boundary drawn.

      Don’t feel guilty. You DH and FIL are right – it is NOT your problem. And the only way to keep it that way at the moment is to NOT make any offers of the kind and to make it totally clear that BIL is on his own. Since they do realize there is a problem, and that BIL needs to grow up, frame this are you doing your part to make it happen. I know it’s counter-intuitive, but really it sounds like the only way to get BIL to get his act together is to make it 100% his problem.

  73. The Other Dawn*

    Would anyone like to offer ideas for a garden?

    Here’s a picture after my garden was demolished a few weeks ago. https://imgur.com/8F42uTm

    The rock wall actually starts a few feet to the right of the light brown rocks. Those lighter, rounded rocks were pulled out of the ground when they demoed it and I asked them to save them for me. (How I’m going to move then, I have no effing clue.) The outside will be ringed in rocks. As you can see, it’s mostly enclosed; however, I ran out of rocks on the right side. The bare ground on the left will be grass, like it was before.

    As for what I want, I like the idea of a wildish, country cottage garden with a section for my herbs (I have sage, thyme and oregano in a raised bed at the moment and may move them into this garden.) I’d like some tall shrubs to the right of the wall, most likely a rhododendron or two, and maybe some forsythia. I plan to put a bench in the garden and some natural looking pavers for stepping stones. I also have a huge branch that broke off a tree and I might put that in there somewhere, although I’m not married to that idea–someone suggested it to me last weekend.

    1. The Other Dawn*

      UGH and of course I forgot to say that the garden is in the sun all day long with no shade at all, and my planting zone is 6B (central CT).

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Forsythia can get huge- maybe 10′ in diameter. It can get unwieldy, as in branches reach the ground and they become shrubs also.
      Rhodos depending on the type can grow over a story high in CT. (They don’t get that tall up here and it seems so weird to me.) Rhodos need shade, but maybe there are new hybrids now that don’t?

      But there are so many plants that do well in sun. How high do you want the plants to go? And how big an area is this? (It looks BIG.)

      1. The Other Dawn*

        I haven’t measured it, but it looks to be at least 12×12, maybe a little bigger. I’d like to still be able to see the rock wall, which is about three feet tall.

    3. SpellingBee*

      Maybe divide the circle into sections with your pavers, putting the bench at one edge or in the middle, and radiating from that? Then you could plant one section with herbs, and the others with some mix of perennials and annuals. Actually now I’m envisioning the bench at one edge right against the wall, on a platform of pavers with a circular edge, and 3 sections radiating out, with the middle in herbs and lower-growing things and the 2 side sections planted in flowers and such, in which you could mix in some taller things. Since it’s in full sun your palate of plants is larger than if it was in shade. Using the fallen branch could be very effective in a more casual garden, sounds like a fun idea.

      The one thing I’d caution you about is planting the oregano in the ground – it’s a member of the mint family, and while it isn’t as aggressive as mint it does tend to spread rather vigorously. For plant ideas specific to your area check out White Flower Farms, which is in Connecticut (Litchfield). You don’t have to buy from them but their website is very informative and their gardens and nursery are lovely.

    4. fposte*

      Given the space, you might consider a flowering tree if you like them–crabapple (you can get non-fruiting if you’re worried about that) and magnolia do well in sun (I like star magnolia, which is smaller and blooms earlier). For shrubs, don’t forget about viburnums, which come in all different shapes and sizes. If you see this area every day, think about what you might like to see in it in fall and winter, not just spring and summer–do you want something with dramatic winter color, like a small euonymus cultivar? Do you want something evergreen, like some holly or barberry or a dwarf conifer?

      Wildish country gardens can ironically be the hardest to keep up :-). Given that maintenance has been such a frustrating aspect of gardening for you, I’d consider devoting a fair bit of space in that spot to stuff like shrubs or even creeping woodies that don’t need a lot of attention; they also provide some skeletal structure to a space. Then you can put in some staunch perennials like daylilies or coneflowers as a secondary theme, and then balance it out with your herb garden and some remaining space for more variable stuff like oxeye daisy, rose campion, and any non-herb annuals that take your fancy.

    5. Jen Erik*

      Also, check the ph of your soil. (It may not be the same all over.) You get kits to do it. Rhododendrons like an acid soil. (And they tend to like a bit of shade, so they may not be ideal. )

      1. The Other Dawn*

        Yes, I just realized today when looking at rhododendrons and azaleas–my two favorite bushes–that they both like part sun. :( I bought some peonies to get myself started. I’m also thinking some rose bushes since they like the sun.

  74. D.W.*

    I’ve been meaning to come on here for awhile.

    I had my first child and she is one month old today! It’s pretty crazy. My husband and I are sleep-deprived zombies but over the moon.

    1. fposte*

      Woo-hoo! Many congratulations and good wishes, especially for whatever sleep you can get.

    6. Jen Erik*

      Congratulations!
      I remember asking a friend how long this bit lasted and she said, kindly, six weeks. It’s not exactly that the sleep-deprivation ends, but by six weeks you have adapted a bit, and your back brain has accepted you need to account for an extra person at all times, and the baby is smiling at you.
      (And then it’s all fine, until one day you turn your back, and the baby moves from where you left it…)

  75. AvonLady Barksdale*

    My partner and I are rental hunting and stumbled upon a building that I had avoided in my online searches because it looked way too “cool” for me. We decided to look, what the heck. Yup, it’s cool. It’s AWESOME. We are totally on the same page. Even if we find something we like better tomorrow, I’m just happy we have one fantastic option.

      1. AvonLady Barksdale*

        Ugh, isn’t it? I had a ton of trouble sleeping because of a combo of excitement and nerves. But I do like the place we found a lot, and my partner is really into it, which surprised me.

          1. AvonLady Barksdale*

            Thank you– we did! It was more than we planned to spend, but we’re getting a ton for our money. Commence freaking out. :-)

  76. EC*

    Anyone have good, positive experiences with antidepressants? I went to the doctor and she prescribed some generic Prozac to try (I’ve been overwhelmingly sad and anxious for quite awhile). I’m trying not to psych myself out from reading about side affects (I really don’t want to gain weight), withdrawal, and bad reactions, but the information completely overwhelmed me today :( I just hope it works and I’m hoping it has worked for others. Today was my first day and I’m proud of myself for this step — just hoping that it works.

    1. BRR*

      I’ve had very positive experiences. I’m not going to lie, there have been some tougher times with side effects. But I can’t imagine what shape I would be in if I weren’t taking them.

    2. LizB*

      I’ve been lucky enough to have basically zero side effects on generic Prozac. It started working for me right away — I was having maybe 1-2 good mental health days a week before I started, and the first full week I was on it was 100% good days. No weight gain to speak of, my weight has been constant or maybe even gone down a little while I’ve been on it (it’s a lot easier for me to eat well and exercise when I don’t feel like a dumpster fire). My doctor upped my dose a bit after about a year, and as I was adjusting to the new dose I had a little while where it was tricky to get to sleep, but that has resolved itself with time and occasional melatonin use. That’s really the only side effect I’ve had! I hope it works for you with minimal to no side effects, it’s been a huge blessing for me!

    3. WS*

      It took three tries to get one that worked for me, but it got me from suicidal to able to start dealing with things – it didn’t fix my life, but it got me to a point where I could start fixing it myself, if that makes sense. Unfortunately, you tend to get side-effects (especially drowsiness and dry mouth) before you get any results, so unless one of the rare bad side-effects is happening, plan on giving it 4-6 weeks as a trial at minimum.

    4. Lena Clare*

      Well done! That’s a huge step.
      I’ve just started them too this week. My GP warned me I’d feel worse for a few days and to speak to her if it was unbearable. It hasn’t been unbearable, it hadn’t been great either but I’m getting better.

      I think part of the anxiety about taking them is part of the depression and anxiety you have anyway.

      I’ve had some mild nausea and dizziness which have gone after a couple of days. I had some difficulty sleeping which seems to be evening out ok now. I had a fairly good night’s sleep last night which was better than the night before which was better than the night before THAT etc. I swapped from taking them in the evening to taking them in the morning to help with that because the first night was tough.

      It seems to have made my appetite less. I’m eating less anyway. Obviously it’s too early to tell whether or not I’ll lose weight.
      Putting weight on was one of the things I was most concerned about apart from insomnia. I said to myself I’d give it a few weeks and if my appetite increased I was going to come off them. I can’t put weight on because I have an MSK injury and can’t exercise so extra weight on my joints is a no-no.

      Also different drugs react differently in different people even though they have the same counterindications and side effects. A friend of mine put weight on with the first lot she tried, now she’s on another lot and says they’re the best thing since sliced bread. They both had weight gain as a side effect but for some reason the first one didn’t suit her.

      Just remember you can always try another one if these don’t work out. And the side effects will pass really quickly and you’ll be feeling better.

      Sending you good vibes! Be kind to yourself.

    5. Teapot Translator*

      I have generalized anxiety disorder. The first time I was prescribed an antidepressant (I can’t remember the name), I took it for many years, but I didn’t feel like it was helping me that much. I went back to the doctor who sent me to a specialist who prescribed another type of antidepressant. It has helped tremendously. In my case, therapy was also required, but ymmv.

      As for the side effects, I probably read the information when I started, kept an eye on the symptoms that could be potentially life threatening, and any other side effect, I figured it was worth the trade off (being able to function vs not having the side effect). YMMV, but I think it’s important to find out if antidepressants can help and what we can do with our lives when we’re not weighed down by depression, anxiety, etc.

    6. Asenath*

      I took a different anti-depressant for some years – my mental health improved enormously over that time, but it’s hard to say how much was due to the drug and how much was to to the other measures I was taking at the same time, like counselling and, as I began to feel better, lifestyle changes. I now see the drugs as a part of treatment, not the only kind of treatment. Many of these drugs take a while to have an effect, so don’t judge your reaction to it too quickly. And do NOT stop them abruptly! I knew people who did, so when I felt I was ready to go off them, I discussed it with my psychiatrist, and he set up as schedule for a gradual cutback. I didn’t have any side effects at all.

    7. No Name Yet*

      Good for you! Taking that first step is super hard! As a clinician, I’ve seen a huge range – people for whom psych meds worked great with no side effects to those where the side effects were horrible and they didn’t work at all. And everything in between. As a patient, I found generic zoloft to be pretty helpful when I was struggling with anxiety and depression (we later added another another med that together helped 100%, with the addition of therapy). Side-effect-wise (GI TMI ahead) – when I started and then increased the dosage of the zoloft, each time I had about a week of mild diarrhea. I also realized that my entire life I’ve had mild constipation that I thought was totally normal, and weirdly the zoloft…just fixed it. Even after going off of it, my GI has now stayed pretty normal. Bodies are weird!

      1. tangerineRose*

        Prozac and Zoloft can both cause dry mouth, which can cause cavities, so make sure you have regular dentist appointments. I had to switch from Zoloft to Prozac because of this.

    8. MissDisplaced*

      Oh yes! I was going though a bad time with a job situation and was given antidepressants and anxiety medication. It helped tremendously, but I didn’t take it long term. I believe I was on it for about 6-8 months? And then I gradually stopped because I got laid off. Whatever you do, don’t stop the antidepressants abruptly!

    9. Madge*

      I took Celexa for over a year and it was very beneficial. I started on it and it did have some minor but important side effects that we tried to address with additional meds with no luck. Then I switched to Wellbutrin which did not work for me at all, so I went back on Celexa and stuck with it until I got pregnant. Sometimes side effects take a long time to resolve. And for me, the benefits of the meds outweighed the side effects. I don’t think I gained weight on it. At least, I didn’t suddenly put on a bunch of weight or eventually need to buy a whole new wardrobe.

      Do doctors know why people tend to gain weight on certain antidepressants? Is is that people’s eating habits change or does the medication help the body more easily absorb the calories? Maybe you can observe your eating habits and emotions around food while you’re taking the meds to learn how your body reacts to them. I use a “fit book” as a food diary. It’s much faster and easier than tracking calories in an app.

      1. No Name Yet*

        The short answer to your question about weight gain is: it depends. Some meds make people feel hungrier (even if they’ve already eaten) so they eat more, some impact metabolism, some give people “munchies,” and others make people thirstier which can lead to weight gain if they drink soda/gatorade. And for some the exact reason isn’t really clear. (These are for psych meds overall, not necessarily antidepressants.)

    10. Penguin*

      I’ve had good results (at different times) with Lexapro and Effexor. The apathetic fog lifted, I actually felt interested in doing things that I enjoyed, everything was no longer completely overwhelming, and smiles came easier.

      Best wishes, internet hugs, and/or good thoughts to you for doing this! It’ll take time and there may be bumps along the way, but it truly IS possible to reach a better place.

      I’m rooting for you!

    11. Elizabeth West*

      I took Prozac a long time ago to recover from a serious bout of depression. The doctor wanted to give me a fairly standard dose, but I had heard about withdrawal side effects and was concerned, in case I couldn’t afford it (I wasn’t making a lot of money at the time and my job situation at the time was precarious). So she gave me a very low dose. Think 20 mg vs 80 or so.

      It really, really, really helped. Like, night and day. And of course, I lost the job and couldn’t keep taking it, so the low dose meant I was able to stop without any issues. By then, I’d got my feet under me and was able to continue recovering. I hope you feel better soon!

    12. Llama Face!*

      Several years ago I took an antidepressant for a while to help with major depression that wasn’t responding sufficiently to lifestyle & diet changes, therapy, and current coping strategies. On the advice of my doc we figured a low dose med might provide that last little push to get me over the hump. The antidepressant I took was venlafaxine (generic version of effexor).

      It took about 5 weeks to really settle down and the first couple weeks for me were rough with side effects (headaches, stomach aches, sleep probs, nausea, bloating). But once the antidepressant started taking effect it was totally worth it. And most of the side effects went away on their own after the first few weeks.

      I’ve been lucky enough to return to a more even keel mental health wise and have not needed to stay on meds long term (thank goodness since I HATE swallowing pills) but I would go back to the meds if I needed to- even after experiencing the pros/cons.

      Best wishes to you for your health!

    13. Kadi Monster*

      Congratulations on taking that step, that’s awesome!

      Like other people have said, sometimes it takes a couple of tries. I tried three different antidepressants that didn’t work for me (and later found out that this was, in part, because SSRIs cause some weird effects with one of my chronic medical conditions and plummeted my already-low blood pressure). So if you have any other health conditions, definitely do some googling around, just in case any weird side-effects do crop up.

      In my case, we switched to an anxiolytic (buspirone, the generic of buspar)! It apparently can be very hit or miss, but has few side effects, and I lucked out in that it works really well for me. So even if you don’t seem to be getting traction with antidepressants, it’s an option to bring up.

      Like others have suggested, it can have an effect on your sleep (melatonin worked for me, but I have periodic insomnia anyway). Maybe pick up some bland crackers of choice, because I couldn’t take antidepressants on an empty stomach, and that helped cut down some on the nausea.

      Good luck!

  77. Blue Bunny*

    Have any AAM cat owners ever dealt with a pica? My tuxedo shorthair has always been oddly obsessed with my loose hair, but she has really kicked it up a notch lately. We’ve gotten even more rigorous about vacuuming (switched from twice weekly to every other day) and now that she can’t find as much of it, she’s tearing up rug fibers to eat instead.

    She has a clean bill of health, no recent upheavals to lifestyle or schedule, no changes to diet, and doesn’t respond to Feliway or catnip products. She has a fresh running water fountain, and gets very high quality grainfree wet and dry food daily. She gets Frontline once a month. The only medical problem she’s ever had is a tendency towards premature tooth decay, which the vet said is a body chemistry issue and we keep an eye on. She gets feather wand playtime after breakfast, and nightly snuggles when we watch TV.

    Any ideas or experiences appreciated.

    1. My cat is my alarm clock*

      Random question, but does she have scratching posts including at least one where she can stretch to her full height?

      I ask purely because that’s the only major cat need you didn’t mention meeting, so it seemed worth throwing in there.

    2. Perstephanie*

      My own tuxedo shorthair also has pica, also is obsessed with eating my hair, and also has kicked it up a notch lately. (He’s a boy, or I’d think you actually ARE me.)

      He started out as a kitten/teenager obsessing over plastic and tape, and eventually I had to rush him to the vet for emergency surgery when he ingested a big wad of packing tape. (I’d thrown an old box into the basement; he pulled the packing tape right off it, and ate it.) (He came through FINE, bless his li’l stinker heart.) I’ve since become a bit obsessive myself over policing every possible source in the house. He really can’t find it around anymore.

      So now he’s turned to my hair, which he eats right off my head. (I’ve woken in the middle of the night to find him on my pillow, all settled in and enjoying a nice long graze.) At one point I realized there was a kind of “halo” of short hair all around my face where he’d just eaten it all off.

      I started wearing hats a few months ago. In the house, all day, all night. (They don’t stay on while I sleep; I’m still working on finding better models. Hoodies with drawstrings are the best, although I feel pretty ridiculous.) He’ll still try to nuzzle the hat aside and get at the hair. Or wait for the split second when the hat is off and come at me. His dedication is endless.

      It is a very . . . weird problem to have.

      What I’ve learned about it through the years: Pica sometimes arises when a kitten is weaned too early—before he’s ready. As best I can tell, there’s no cure, and there’s not even any treatment, there’s just endless policing of your house to keep out the lethal stuff. When I’ve looked it up on the internet, I’ve found hundreds of sites that say, basically, “Pica! Yep. Here’s a definition. The End.” I’ve never found even a single suggestion of how to cope, honestly. I’ve just had to make it all up as I go. My vet says, basically, “Pica! Yep. Here’s a definition. See you next year!”

      She’s a good vet, mind you, I like her very much. It’s apparently just a chronic problem that has neither cure nor treatment. Only policing. (If I’m wrong and other people have found ways to make it better, please oh please do let us know!)

      Still. For all his, uh, quirks, my cat LOVES life. Attacks it and wrestles it to the ground. Wakes up every day like a rocketship: “Day! It’s me! Here I come! Imma eat you, ha!” As a person who struggles sometimes to make it through the hours . . . oh, how I love this boy.

      So: I send fistbumps of solidarity. (TUXIES, amirite?) Alas, I can’t actually offer much else.

    3. Femme d'Afrique*

      My cat has pica! He loves my deodorant, lotion, hair stuff… I can’t figure it out. He’s otherwise very healthy, eats a lot, sleeps a lot; the usual.

      My vet’s only advice was to keep the deo etc away from him. Glad to hear I’m not alone in being baffled by this.

    4. The Other Dawn*

      Yes, one of my cats, Oscar, has mild pica. He likes chewing on or eating pieces of plastics bags and wrappers. He doesn’t seem obsessed with it in the way your cat is obsessed with hair. He doesn’t do it all the time. It seems to mostly be when the dry food is empty, although I’ve seen him do it other times. I’ve learned that I can’t leave any grocery bags or other plastic laying around, otherwise he’ll chew/eat it. The vet didn’t have any recommendations other than to keep the plastic away from him.

    5. Not So NewReader*

      My current dog ate everything for the first few years. Not the same but you might get some ideas.

      I’d clap my hands or spritz him with water at first because the problem was constant. Everything in the house was fair game.
      Take with one hand, give with the other.
      I gave him things he COULD chew on. When I caught him chewing, I redirected to an appropriate item.

      He nurses his blanket. Not kidding. Someone said some dogs never out grow this. He does not eat the blanket, he just sucks on it. So the other part of giving with one hand, is I make sure he has fresh blankets around. I buy him large stuffed animals at garage sales, run them through the washer and dry them in the sun. Then I give him the toy. He drags it around the house. He nurses on it. And he sleeps beside it.

      I ended up with a veterinary-chiropractor. She suggested calming things, as the eating/nursing could be rooted in some anxiety. I give him foods that are downers such as turkey, broccoli and cauliflower. She also used some Eastern herbs which worked really well.

      He’s also a high energy animal and yours sounds the same. Perhaps you can find things that will help your little one burn up some of that extra energy. If she is clever you can help her burn up energy by giving her stuff that requires thinking. Never underestimate the power of a brand-new-to-her empty cardboard box. She ruins it, so what, get another one.

    6. Ella Vader*

      My cat has it (ribbon, yarns, string of any kind, and carpet), and the vet said it’s a form of OCD and that there are medications for it. I opted out since I’m scared I’ll choke my cat on a pill since I’d have to cram it down her throat because she doesn’t eat meat in any form (so no way to disguise the pill). It may be worth looking into with your vet, though.

      1. Headachey*

        You cat…doesn’t eat meat in any form? Do you mean fresh meat? Because cats are obligate carnivores and cannot survive on a vegetarian diet.

      2. Rainy*

        Ask your vet about the compoundable softchews–you try a few sample flavours and then whatever kitty likes best, the vet calls up the company and orders a certain number of kitty’s med infused into the softchews. They come in a blister pack and are typically really easy to give.

    7. Not All*

      Do you get catgrass (wheatgrass) or other living plants for her to eat periodically? Most of my cats seem to stop eating things they aren’t supposed to when they have live plants to eat at least 2-3 times a month. Wasn’t an issue at all when I lived someplace where they could go outside, but definitely was an issue when they were forced to be indoor-only cats.

    8. Jane of all Trades*

      Have you tried making sure he has grass available (sold at basically every pet store) and maybe some cat chew toys (like dried fish skin – yuck) so that he can check on that? Also, can you switch shampoo to something he doesn’t like as much? I can’t do coconut shampoo or conditioner because my cat will eat my hair when I use it.

  78. StudentA*

    For those of you who have an online presence on which you receive reviews (say, etsy?), do you respond to unflattering reviews? I just got my first bad review. It was so asinine and immature and unwarranted. Granted, it was one line only. I am tempted to ignore it, but I don’t know if that is a missed opportunity. What do you smart people think?

    1. My cat is my alarm clock*

      I don’t receive reviews, but I do read them. I am more likely to buy from a seller who writes a measured response than who does nothing at all. But it needs to be measured, not just denying everything – eg inviting them to get in touch to discuss it.

      Do you have any idea why they’re so unhappy?

      1. StudentA*

        I provide a service. He didn’t seem to know what he wants, and he admitted it. He also wanted something in the erotic realm, but the way he was describing it was vague enough that it could make someone in my profession pause. Looking back, I think this made him a bit self-conscious. I did wonder in our brief conversation if this was a genuine request or a troll, but I didn’t let on whatsoever.

        After a brief conversation, I explained that because there were so many unknowns, I didn’t think it was a fit. As soon as we hung up, he left me a shitty one-line review. That’s why I say it’s immature. Grown ass adults understand that those initial conversations are for figuring out if there is a fit, if our calendars align, etc.

    2. Not A Manager*

      I also read reviews. I like it when the vendor responds to reasonable complaints, offering to get in touch or whatnot. No big explanations. I’m also okay if the vendor responds to something that sounds reasonable but turns out to be untrue. Again, just a measured response outlining the actual facts.

      I don’t think vendors need to respond to posts that are clearly bananapants on their face. If this one is obviously asinine and immature, and you don’t need additional facts to realize that, I’d just ignore it. Especially if you have a lot of other good reviews.

      1. StudentA*

        I’m not sure what to do. I’m tempted to ignore it. I have an enviable track record of reviews. His is my only bad one. That’s why I seriously wondered if he was a troll. It was so…odd and it happened within a minute of hanging up the phone. I called the company, but they’re strict about reviews and won’t remove it.

    3. Not All*

      As a reader of reviews, the vendors who respond to reviews really irritate me and I have a tendency to avoid them. Even the best vendor in the world has a few bad reviews…people just expect it. What people looking at reviews care about are trends.

    4. Lilysparrow*

      I read reviews from time to time. Occasionally there will be a negative one.

      I look at them as a source of valuable information. People who like the kind of stuff I make, like my stuff. They just do. So I read the negative reviews to see how someone who hates this kind of stuff accidentally wound up buying it.

      Then I use that as guidance to clarify or target my branding and marketing. I want to attract “my” people, and not mislead anyone about what they are getting.

      1. Lilysparrow*

        Oh, and I never respond. My product (books) isn’t going to change, and I don’t handle order fulfillment or anything, so there’s no point.

        I will sometimes screenshot good reviews and share them on social media, but that’s marketing.

        Though one time I did throw a short story up on a secondary platform that wasn’t really polished, and got slammed for it. The feedback was harsh, but on the whole, accurate. I pulled it down and wound up reworking it into something else a few years later.

  79. Rebecca*

    A bit of hopeful news on the Mom front – her doctor’s office made an appointment for her with a urologist on Tuesday. She’s been keeping careful track of liquid input and output for a few weeks now, and I offered to type up all the data and make a chart to take with her, since her handwriting is terrible, and she’s using scraps of paper, bill envelopes, that type of thing to write on. I’ve also been reminding her to sit down and make a short, coherent statement about what is wrong, and reminded her that doctors today don’t have all the time in the world, so she needs to be succinct. I took a peek at her notes yesterday while she was outside, and between 12 AM and 12 PM she made 10 trips to the bathroom. That’s a lot, and no wonder she doesn’t sleep. Hoping they can find something to help, and more hope that she’ll actually follow the doctor’s advice. It’s amazing she got a specialist appointment so quickly, usually the wait is several months.

    1. Jean (just Jean)*

      TL;DR: Great news! May the medical folks be skilled, empathetic, and receptive to your factual observations as well as whatever your mom may tell them. And may you–as well as your mom–benefit. Urinary tract infections (UTIs) are miserable enough physically and psychologically to curdle even the gentlest disposition.

      More detail: May the specialist be technically skilled, experienced with elder patients, and possessed of the requisite characteristics to Impress your mother into Being Cooperative. I also hope that the doctor, other office staff (admins, nurses, physician’s assistants, etc.), and you will mutually recognize each other as as equals on the Team to Support Mom’s Best Possible Health. And that you’ll all find an effective way to do this despite the HIPPAA (HIPPA? spelling uncertain)/ privacy laws.

      You’ve been strong and resourceful in extricating yourself from a miserable marriage. I have faith you’ll be able to help to steer a path through this current challenge (of living with a person whose natural prickliness is currently enhanced by UTI-induced suffering).

    2. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      Sending you a “rooting for you.”
      Mom had 2 UTIs in 3 months (symptomless except dizzy sometimes and excessive trips to the bathroom). It is VERY hard to get her to be succinct and clear. (And please, pray that your mom is better about dealing with foreign accents than my mom… with her refusal to admit she has trouble hearing, the accent of the doctor,and the pace of the visit,mom was lost and uncooperative).
      Taking notes and typing them up is EXCELLENT. Hoping for a good outcome.

    3. not Lynn Davis*

      [Caveat: I am not a medical professional] I’ve been told that UTI’s in the elderly can affect/manifest as behavior/mental changes. Interesting, considering your previous posts re mom…..

  80. ShortT*

    I finally had enough and told a friend that I was done with her. I’m childless. (I don’t say child-free because I’m not against having children. I simply enjoy not having them, at this time, and am not nervous about the possibility of never having them. I’m forty. If I haven’t freaked out by now, I probably never will. I’m a preschool teacher, so, I spend all day every workday with kids.) She has two, who were born after ten years of trying and more than one round of IVF.)

    I was tired of feeling like her punching bag. Yes, parenthood is stressful, especially when one child has serious medical concerns. I am not obligated to bear any brunt of that. My not being married doesn’t mean that I have unlimited free time. Exercising is not a frivolity; it’s essential to my physical and emotional well-being. I’m fairly private about my romantic and social life, which I’m not about to sacrifice for anyone. It’s not right calmly to accept someone’s refusal because she’s a wife and/or parent and ask me why I’m not available. It’s not OK to tell me that I can do something that I have planned later. I have the same twenty-four hours per day as everyone else. The last time someone said that I could do something later, I crossed my arms and said, “OK, when can you arrange for that? Because it not happening is NOT an option for me.”

    1. ShortT*

      I meant to calmly accept. I’m fresh off of studying for a child-development course I’m taking. I hope to take the exam tomorrow. (The course is online.)

      I’m going to have breakfast, take a nap, and head to the gym before going to work. (I have a second job two evenings per week.)

    2. Ali G*

      Yeah, I feel like there is a certain amount of flexibility I assume for my friends with kids (I am also 40, but married without kids by choice) – like I am willing to go to their house to hang out because it’s easier, and to eat dinner at like 5:30 pm so the kids don’t have a meltdown, or to make plans to go out weeks in advance so they can get a sitter. But none of my friends get upset if I am not available when they want me to be, or expect me to rearrange my schedule to accommodate them (and I wouldn’t do it either).
      It makes me think your friend might have some insecurity in her life. Or she just doesn’t deal well with the inherent stress of life with kids. Either way, sorry you had to dump your friend, but it’s not your cross to bear.

      1. ShortT*

        “It makes me think your friend might have some insecurity in her life. Or she just doesn’t deal well with the inherent stress of life with kids.” ! Exactly.

        Most of my friends are married with children. I’d never encountered anything like this with them. For while, I thought that I’d done something wrong when she’d blow her proverbial stack. Then, I was out with another friend (also a parent) when I answered a call from her and she went off when I wasn’t immediately available to go to her. I couldn’t even get a word in edgewise to tell her that there was more than enough time to finish what I was doing at that moment and head over to her place. After I hung up, the friend with whom I’d been singing stared at me slack-jawed and said, “What the ****? That is NOT normal.” That was the beginning of the end.

        1. fposte*

          Honestly, your friend’s framing may be about her having children and your not, but I don’t think it’s true or that you need to buy in to that. There are childless people who are inappropriately demanding of friends and parents who aren’t. Your friend is using her kids as a peg to hang her demands on, but they’re not really relevant to her outsized level of expectations.

    3. Rainy*

      I’ve had to do this on a couple of occasions, and both times, even though the former friend assumed it was about their kids, it was really about their lack of respect for me as a person.

      I find that those kind of issues go along with the kind of person (usually but not always female) who has a child and then immediately becomes The World Expert On Everything and also thinks they know what’s good for you and then have the temerity to A) tell you loudly at every occasion but especially when you’ve already planned to do something else and B) get affronted if you don’t follow their ridiculous dicta.

      As I was easing out of one friendship with such a person, she said angrily on social media that “We expected to be raising our children in a community and when we had children our community deserted us”. Well, ex-friend, when you live an hour outside town in a hoarder house that reeks of cat and diaper and the dander makes even non-allergic people’s eyes start to swell shut in minutes, yeah, people don’t really want to come over. Even less so when you try to dragoon them into being an unpaid babysitter for your undisciplined children–at the last minute, always!–and get mad at them when they already have other plans. We’d dated when we were younger, and then been good friends for a long time (and then bad friends for even longer before I realized This Was My Life Now and I didn’t like it) and I realized slowly that this pattern had been present in her life forever. I think our friendship was one of the longest she’d ever managed, and in the very beginning, I remember hearing her tell over the litany of People Who’d Screwed Her Over And She’d Had To Cut Out and thinking how could anyone be so awful to someone as great as her? Well…I figured it out.

      The sad thing is that she died last year, which is pretty much when I discovered that I’d apparently been secretly hoping that in time she’d clean up her act and maybe there would be a chance for us to reconnect in the future and have a new, more respectful and equitable friendship based in mutual esteem. She was an incredible person in so many ways, but so awful in so many others that in the end, her bad qualities drove away all the people initially attracted by the stellar ones.

    4. CF Teachers*

      My family and social group includes a LOT of teachers (y’all run in packs, I swear), and there is something about childfree teachers that makes a certain type of parent glom onto them. I guess an entitled person can feel like they’ve hit the jackpot with someone who has a lot of child development experience and yet has no kids of their own to suck up their off-work time. I’ve seen this play out with my own husband–when our neighbor’s kids were young, she thought she could just dump them in my yard anytime she wanted a break, because she knew my husband didn’t have work in the summer. We quickly put a stop to that, and she doesn’t like us anymore. I’m okay with not being liked by that sort of person.

      Your ex-friend sounds incredibly unhappy, and is likely feeling betrayed by the fact that her stressful, difficult, expensive fertility journey turned into extremely difficult parenting. She probably felt that she was finally owed a bit of a cosmic break once the children were born. It’s not okay that she allowed that to manifest as unkindness and selfishness towards you.

      You made the right decision. You don’t owe her any more of your time. Kids or not, we all only get so many hours on this plane of existence.

  82. Jean (just Jean)*

    Update on the caregiving front: everyone is doing better and I am calmer and more hopeful. I wasn’t able to post last week because I was still extricating myself from the worst of the fatigue and the consequent missed details in life and work. I’ve spent this long weekend (U.S. holiday on Monday to remember service members who gave their lives) alternately unwinding the residual tension from a horrible three weeks, and working–without inducing complete self-exhaustion–to bulldoze our home into something resembling a more tidy, hence more calming, place.

    The support from others in this community was very much appreciated. Your comments were one of the fuels that kept me going over the past two weeks.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      It’s amazing how much anxiety clutter can create. Good for you, for taking back control of your life. It’s a journey, I don’t think we ever have great control over our lives. But there is so much we can do to help ourselves along. This is a big and meaningful step right here.

    2. ShortT*

      Jean, I am amazed by you. It takes a lot of personal strength to acknowledge what needs to be done and execute a plan to do it.

    3. NoLongerYoung*

      Thank you for the update. Have been hoping it is going as well as it can be. hug….

  83. Not All*

    A couple people had wanted me to update on how online dating went as an overweight, 40-something liberal in a red area.

    My current take is that 95% of people on dating sites fall into one of two camps “let’s meet up after 2 messages, have sex, and never see each other again”(ie, they really just just be on Tinder or one of the other hook-up sites) or “we had coffee twice, let’s get married in 2 months and this is what I want to name our kids”. Neither extreme is for me.

    I recommend pre-writing your profile, pictures, etc because you get a TON of messages/hits the first day, then quite a few over the next week or two as someone who has never appeared in the existing members’ matches before, then it’s just the same people over & over.

    I did meet one guy whom I really, really like. Maybe a little too much. So now I haven’t even bothered to log into the site for a couple weeks because I’d rather spend my relatively limited spare time with that person. Did I mention I like him? A lot? ;)

    2. ATX Language Learner*

      This is awesome! I met my boyfriend and soon to be husband in 2 months on Okcupid 5 years ago. I really loved online dating because of the filters and conversation before meeting up. I agree with spending time writing your profile and I would basically ignore anyone who didn’t spend time writing theirs or who wrote “I don’t know what to say about me!” (how do you not know who you are?!?). Online dating also helped me weed out any “would not date if they’re into this” guys so I wouldn’t have to waste time going on dates then realizing they’re a sports/hunting fanatic.

  84. Laura H.*

    I’m so excited! I get to see the Aladdin movie with a friend on Monday!

    I can only imagine the pressure that you’re under when you do a remake of a (pardon the oxymoron) modern classic like several of the Disney renaissance era films. These guys and gals have big shoes, voice boxes, scenery stuff, and expectations to fill. So I’m glad to go see em honestly!

    2. MissKatie*

      I couldn’t possibly wait and I saw it Thursday night. It was better than I was expecting!! Enjoy it!

  85. Bad smells*

    Dear wonderful community, I’m hoping someone has run across this problem and can suggest something.

    I have an elderly relative with a bad incontinence problem (And is under a doctor’s care).

    The thing is we can’t eliminate the smells. She changes depends 3x a day and showers and washes clothes constantly, but there is always a smell.

    Oddly, lately to me it smells more like plastic (!) instead of urine but I don’t know if that means anything.

    Any suggestions products ideas or unusual side effects you’ve found when the person is already changing depends and washing everything?

      2. valentine*

        Maybe the product reacts poorly to the waste. Change brands. Try Assurance. If you’re using scented, try unscented. See if companies will mail you samples so you can try several.

    2. Public Health Nerd*

      My former housemate has incontinence, and one thing that affected the ambient smell was how frequently the trash with the used pads was taken out and whether it was an open or closed trash can. If you aren’t doing it already, consider a closed trash can and/or changing it more frequently. If her clothes are getting wet, laundry storage could be doing the same thing.

    3. Madge*

      Try mentally running through the paths and processes around the incontinence and see if you’re missing something that’s causing the smell. Like is there a chair that got wet or the floor or something. Also check how the clothes smell after they’re washed and dried. You may need to switch detergents. I really like Tide’s athletic blend with febreeze. I normally don’t like special blends or febreeze, but my issue is body oils that smell rancid over time and the special Tide seems to be working for that. You could also try a white vinegar rinse and could add some essential oils like grapefruit to provide a scent. For an odor reducing spray I like a product like Atmos Clear that targets the actual molecules causing the smell. You could also try washing the trash can. And as environmentally unfriendly as it is, you could get a diaper genie or some other baby diaper product for used diaper storage.

    4. Anon Anon Anon*

      This is not incontinence-specific, but I know that some foods can affect the smell of urine. That could be a fun thing to experiment with. Herbs? Spices? Edible flowers? There’s probably something that could make it smell better.

    5. Bad smells*

      Thank you all! It’s good to have new angles to try.

      And I didn’t know there was an athletic version of tide plus febreze. That sounds like the ultimate attack on smells!

      1. Rainy*

        Also, if taking the trash out frequently etc isn’t an option or isn’t cutting it, maybe try a Diaper Genie for the used incontinence pads.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Is the smell with her or with the house? If she goes out can you still smell something?

      I am wondering if she is getting enough water. Urine itself can smell for reasons. If we aren’t hydrated urine can really smell.

      1. Bad smells*

        NSNR—the more I think about it, the more I think you might have nailed the main problem! I left some details out for privacy but they fit that theory.

        Thank you!

        And thank you everyone for all the other ideas!

  86. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

    Has anyone had their Facebook account hacked recently?
    A few of my friends — and at least one person who I’m not even friends with — have gotten weird messages from someone with my name and face on Facebook Messenger. I personally don’t even use Facebook Messenger.

    I’ve changed my password, which had no effect; the spam messages are continuing.
    I just turned on two-factor authentication to try to prevent unauthorized sign-ins.
    I’m embarrassed to ask this as a librarian, who is supposed to be tech-savvy, but is there anything else I should do? Thanks in advance.

    On a possibly related note, is there antivirus software out there that’s actually decent? McAfee is expensive and slowed my computer to an absolute crawl. Norton, same thing. Avast (the free one) is also drastically slowing down the computer — or perhaps that’s the spyware that it’s not blocking. Again, this is a terrible thing to say as a librarian, but… I hate technology.

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        Found it. Thank you for all the info!
        And to answer your question, I use Windows 10. Also, looking at the screenshots friends have sent me and reviewing the login information on Facebook, it looks like I was indeed cloned and not hacked. I guess that’s slightly less bad news than a hack, but it’s still irritating.

    2. Anon Librarian*

      Techy librarian here! This is impersonation. Someone copied your photo and name and friended – or just messaged – people on your friends list. It doesn’t sound like your account was hacked. This could be done by anyone who could view your profile, grab your current profile pic, copy your name, and message your Friends. This could be a Friend, a person who found your profile, or a person who found the relevant info elsewhere (which is increasingly possible these days).

      What can you do?

      Prevention:

      – Change your privacy settings. Make it so that only you can see your Friends list. That’s the most important. Consider also setting your profile pic so that only Friends can see it and setting your profile to only come up in search results by friends, or friends of friends – make it harder for people to find you.

      – Review your Friends list and unfriend/block any strangers or profiles that look really incomplete, like they might be fake.

      Response

      – Post something letting people know that this is your only profile and not to accept friend requests or messages from others.

      – Report it to Facebook. Note that they’re notoriously slow and not very effective at dealing with this kind of thing. But they probably will delete the fake profile eventually.

      – Try changing your profile pic often so that the real one and the fake one won’t match.

      It’s tough because these days, it’s really easy to get the info you need to impersonate someone, and there’s not a whole lot you can do about it. But getting lower profile on Facebook might help. It’s common. A lot of people have been through this at some point.

      1. Anonymous Educator*

        All of this from Anon Librarian above!

        And on a side note, “antivirus” software is security theater, and it doesn’t really do anything to protect you. In fact, it could be making your security worse, if you trust it to do things for you and aren’t as vigilant as you should be. Security patches, common sense, and vigilance are your best guards against malware.

        And, honestly, in terms of things like identity theft, “hacking” into accounts, and such, SMS-based two-factor authentication has had some major issues lately, and now malicious hackers are hacking giant corporate databases of user information, as that’s a far more lucrative payload than trying to attack a single user. Sometimes those things aren’t really in your control.

      2. Reference interview*

        Anon librarian gave great advice.
        2 other things others can do to try to prevent problems:
        1. Look for the setting that lets you name 3 to 5 people who can verify who you are in case of issues. They can report to FB for you to say who is the real you.
        2. Look for the setting that shows where you are logged in, you can log out of any devices that are not yours.

      3. Mimmy*

        Consider also setting your profile pic so that only Friends can see it

        I thought profile pics could only be public?

        1. Anon Librarian*

          No! You can set them to Friends or Only Me just like any other photo you post on Facebook (unless they changed it recently).

      4. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        This is awesome. Thanks so much.
        I can’t believe my friends list wasn’t private.

        1. Anon Librarian*

          Private friends list FTW! And because it’s a common practice in the entertainment world, it could make people think you’re famous! “The Librarian had a private Friends list! Definitely not the TNT type…. I wonder what network.”

    3. Observer*

      Anon gave you some good advice.

      Also, absolutely YES on the password manager and the 2FA – for ALL your accounts that allow it.

      Don’t sign into ANYTHING with you Facebook credentials.

      Review what apps you have linked to your Facebook account, and what permissions you’ve given it. Get rid of anything you don’t use, and cull anything that doesn’t give you real and significant utility.

      If you have FB on your phone, get rid of it.

      You don’t have to use Norton – there are other products out there, but if you’ve already paid for it, one thing to look at is what pieces you’ve installed. Some of the packages have additional pieces that you don’t really need, but which can slow you down.

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        I flatly refused to ever use Facebook on my phone for just this reason.
        I’ve never wanted to use a password manager because what happens if the password manager gets hacked? Then they’ll have EVERY password, and I’d be truly screwed. But maybe I don’t have the correct understanding of how they work.

        1. Bulbasaur*

          The advantage of using a password manager is that when you only have to remember one password, it’s much easier to make it a strong password without forgetting it (I recommend turning off the ‘remember me’ option initially, and forcing yourself to type it in over and over until it’s seared indelibly into your brain and muscle memory). That way even if the password manager is compromised, as long as they are just storing the hashed password and not plain text (this is security 101 so I’d expect it to be true of all the leading players) you are still safe as long as you have a strong password that can’t be brute forced.

          Unless have a really good memory, you probably reuse the same/similar passwords (or at least password algorithms) across multiple sites anyway, so you will often find that a breach of any one of them puts a lot of others at risk. That or you rely on password reset emails a lot, in which case your email account already has a similar risk profile to a password manager.

      2. Anon Librarian*

        What are the risks of using Facebook on your phone? Do you just mean the apps or also using it on your phone’s browser?

        1. Bulbasaur*

          I stay away from the apps but I’m fine with using it in the browser. Installing the app requires you to grant permissions that would allow it to access to a whole lot of your sensitive data on the phone (contact list or media files, for example) while running it in the browser sandbox doesn’t.

          Facebook complains often and loudly about this and keeps trying to nudge me to install the app for a ‘better user experience,’ which I take as evidence that my suspicions are well founded.

        2. Observer*

          The app is TERRIBLE if you care at all about your privacy – or the safety of your data, given how badly they have managed to mangle every bit of security around personal privacy. I stay away from even using the Facebook site on my phone, though, because it will keep on slurping data unless you log out just so, and they actually make it hard to log out (as opposed to just closing the browser.) And again, given how badly they handle user data, I don’t trust them to handle what they get from my phone.

    4. Gatomon*

      I like either Bitdefender or Malwarebytes (the paid version does regular scans) for antivirus. Bitdefender has a basic free version that works well. If you’re able/willing to pay, I prefer Malwarebytes over Bitdefender’s pay version.

      The free version of Malwarebytes is a great supplement to any other antivirus though if you suspect something slipped through.

    5. 653-CXK*

      I deleted my FB account two weeks ago and it’s been glorious. I joined it as a way to keep up with my family and former classmates; I finally chucked the program after I discovered I was wasting too much of my time with drama, clickbait, and other garbage.

      I use Malwarebytes exclusively, but I use ad-blocking software for my browsers (both Chrome and Opera). AdGuard and Malwarebytes own ad blocker have cut down the spam considerably. I once used Sophos for my anti-virus, but it wasn’t playing nice with Malwarebytes (it would often interfere with getting onto the internet) so I dumped it.

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        Thanks for the antivirus info. I’ve lost face to face contact with so many friends and family members that I count on Facebook for that, and I am good at limiting my time and avoiding the click bait and drama. But as more of my friends and family abandon Facebook, there’s gradually becoming less reason for me to deal with it.

  87. Blarg*

    I know it’s late in the weekend for a new post. But I put my kitty to sleep on Thursday and I was doing really well the last couple days, but today it’s just hitting me and I’m so sad. It was the right choice, blah blah blah. And it was. And my other kitty seems to be doing well.

    But I have so much sadness. And so much guilt. And a big, fat 15 lb orange tabby sized hole in my heart. It’s a rainy, dreary day here and it feels like the whole world is just sad. I just miss him.

    1. Shell*

      It is so hard to lose a pet. I hope you can remember some of the good times with your kitty, even as you grieve.

    4. Sam I Am*

      So sorry. Feel your sadness, remind yourself that you have nothing to be guilty about, as these decisions are the most difficult ones the pet owner makes, and are so very important that they do. It’s ok that you miss him.

    6. Isabekka*

      I’m so sorry Blarg, it’s always hard to lose a member of your family.
      Hugs to you, he was obviously well loved.

    8. Blarg*

      Thanks, everyone. It’s such a profound responsibility we assume when we adopt an animal. And you hope in the end that you make the right choice at the right time. As a last loving act. But knowing all those things intellectually and living them are different things.

      I just miss him.

      Thanks for all your kind words and virtual hugs. They are much appreciated.

    9. NoLongerYoung*

      Sending a hug. there’s no good words to fill the hole that one of the fur-babies leaves … (Missing my dogger girl, but not the right time yet to get another… understand). And the lousy weather doesn’t help. Maybe plant a rose in the coral color to remember?

  88. Blue Bunny*

    What system are you using for internet access? Windows 10? Android? OSX? iOS? That changes the answer.

    McAfee and Norton are full of bloatware. Kaspersky is owned by Russians and may or may not be spyware, so avoid that as well. If you’re on a PC, Bitdefender gets good reviews. I’d also suggest using a VPN, Malwarebytes, and a password manager.

    All that said, is the fake-you spam actually coming from your account, or just a clone? Is the actual username the same as yours? If it isn’t your username, then you are being copied rather than hacked.

    2. Observer*

      I disagree about Norton. They went through a bad patch, but they have slimmed down considerably, and their anti-malware works quite well without too much of a hit.

      I can’t speak to McAfee in that respect, but they’ve had a few really bad blunders that make me a bit cautious about them.

  89. Free Meerkats*

    A weekend at the racetrack this weekend, then at zero dark thirty Tuesday I catch a plane to Missouri to spend a couple of weeks with Mom. The Jefferson City tornadoes were only about 20 miles from her and they have minor flooding in the area.

    I’m taking work clothes, there are some big limbs down my brother needs help with. With any luck, I’m be able to visit some people in the general area. Mom said there are some road closures, so the three hour drive from MCI might take 8…

    With good luck and timing, I hope to visit some people I mostly (or only) know online. Here’s hoping for a good trip.

      1. Rainy*

        Yikes–stay safe.

        My cousins in that area are all okay but one is a schoolteacher and the houses in her school’s neighbourhood got ripped to shreds, though the school came through okay as far as I know.

    3. Anon Anon Anon*

      Zero dark thirty! Is that your own poetic way of expressing a time or is it a reference to something? I like it.

      1. Blue Bunny*

        “Zero Dark Thirty” is military slang for an unspecified time in the early hours of the morning before dawn. A Google search will give you a film by that name, which follows the manhunt for Osama bin Laden’s hideout (the raid took place between midnight and 2 AM on May 2nd, 2011).

    4. NoLongerYoung*

      Travel safe. And remember …. the midwest high way patrol / troopers are really serious about their tickets, and I don’t know about MO, but some of those states do not allow you to offset a ticket with a traffic school….so don’t bring your west coast driving into their town (ROFLOL but had 2 tickets in 3 months that were a shock… barely speeding by CA standards).

      1. Missouri Resident*

        NoLonger Young is correct in thinking that traffic school won’t help you with a speeding ticket here. On the highways 10 over is the understood cutoff, although lower tickets aren’t completely unheard of. Ticketing also spikes on holiday weekends.

    1. Jaid*

      Good afternoon!

      Best: 3 day weekend and looking forward to hanging out with my friends on Monday for a cookout.

      Worst: Both of my parents have colds and we’re not going out for a celebratory dinner (three birthdays this month plus Mother’s/Fathers day).

    2. Jules the First*

      Best: took a friend’s horse out for a countryside amble yesterday as he needed a workout and she wasn’t free. Our route wasn’t particularly picturesque, but we had a dozen or so long canters both on the path and then in a lovely open meadow and for the first time since my last injury I felt very chilled out and solidly in the saddle.

      Worst: the linden trees are coming into bloom, which means sneezy season has begun.

    3. ShortT*

      BEST: I slept in, studied a bit, did some yoga at home, and treated myself to coffee, breakfast, and a nap in bed. I just finished weightlifting and cardio. I’m going to enjoy a shower before heading into work.

      WORST: The turkeys in my neighborhood are still obnoxious.

    4. The Other Dawn*

      Best: We had the flower garden completely demolished a couple weeks ago. Today I took one step towards replanting: I bought three peony roots: two fuchsia and one coral colored. It says they should be planted in the fall, so I’ll have to wait a bit. But that will give me time to figure out the best placement.

      Worst: I face-planted in the parking lot at work earlier this week. Had the cheesecake box I was carrying not come between my face and the pavement, I probably would’ve broken my nose. I was sore for a few days and the back of my upper calf still hurts.

    5. Elizabeth West*

      WORST: When talking over some really deep stuff with a sangha friend at coffee yesterday, I had a panic attack. I got it under control very quickly and was able to identify the trigger. My friend was very kind and supportive, but it was still horrible.

      BEST: No damage from the tornadoes here. My superpower of pooping out storms before they get to me seems to be holding up, though I kind of feel like I’m skating on the edge of luck!

    6. Ruffingit*

      WORST: Long work week.

      BEST: Getting to really relax and recharge this three-day weekend. And, having wonderful people around me who support me.

  91. Jaid*

    Just started watching BBC’s Chelsea Flower show series. It looks like it’s five episodes one hour each.

    What are you guys watching?

    1. Elizabeth West*

      I’ve been watching My 600-lb Life on Hulu. I like watching the people get better, although it’s frustrating sometimes. I end up yelling at the TV, “You can do it! Go you!”

      I’ve also getting ready for new episodes of The Handmaid’s Tale in June and the final season of Orange is the New Black and season 3 of Stranger Things, both in July.

      Hoping for more Marie Kondo. And pushing ABC to rethink their cancellation of The Kids are Alright! I need my Clearys!

  92. Cruciatus*

    So assuming everything goes well with cashing in my bonds (not excited about that tax bill), I will soon own a house. I pretty much have next to nothing furniture-wise to bring and I don’t want to buy everything at once. Probably just the biggies–a bed, a couch, maybe some sort of TV stand, and maybe a dining room table. But I will need something temporary for my stuff–it doesn’t need to be fancy. This house doesn’t have a lot of storage so I’m going to have to create my own eventually. For now, I’m thinking of just buying a bunch of tiered shelving units, maybe one or two with some cabinets so at least I have something to put my stuff on or in while I figure out how I use my space. And then as I work through what I finally do want I can move them to another room, or even the garage or basement so it’s not like they won’t get use somewhere. Amazon and even Walmart have some that won’t break the bank and actually have decent reviews.

    Does anyone have a better suggestion for temporary storage ideas for a new home owner? Is there something else I should be thinking about?

    1. fposte*

      Congrats and happy moving! I’d hold off on the dining room table–most people I know use theirs as a sorting/storage location, so I’d get something smaller and cheaper in the mean time and then see how you feel down the line.

      BTW, also remember that with the bonds you’re only paying taxes on the gain, not their total value, so usually not as bad as it looks at first glance.

    2. Rainy*

      I think the only difference I would suggest in your plan is to buy shelving and also multipurpose storage bins–not the rubbermaid lidded ones, but open bins that fit on the shelves so that you can usefully put whatever in them including clothing while you decide what kind of permanent solutions you want. I have a ton of bins that I’ve bought at various times for various purposes and I’ve repurposed them regularly over their lives.

    3. buttrue???*

      The taxes shouldn’t be that bad although not great. You only pay on the interest earned. EE bonds cost basis is half the face value and I bonds are face value.
      I have always looked at investments that I didn’t make in the first place as found money. So if something cost $50 and is now worth $100 and I have to pay 22% of the $50 increase so be it. I still have $89 I didn’t have before.

      2. Cruciatus*

        I guess one person’s bad is another person’s OK, but (in my mind) it’s gonna be bad! My dad (a CPA) ran some numbers with me and I’ll probably owe close to $20,000. But the money I gained is obviously more than that. When I was complaining about it my dad said “a lot of people would love to have this problem”. OK, OK, OK! These were my uncle’s bonds that were transferred to me upon his death. He deferred interest and surprise! now I get to pay it!

        I decided to cash almost all of them and just have one terrible, no good, very bad year. I kept a few for emergency purposes and hopefully I can wait until those ones officially mature in about 5 years.

        1. fposte*

          At least if they’re federal bonds you don’t have to pay state tax on that. Big savings in my state. But he must have had them for ages, and/or you must, given the amount of deferred interest that implies. I bet he’d be pleased to know that they enabled you to get a house.

          1. Cruciatus*

            I hope so. The…irony? is he lived in a one bedroom room almost his entire life. Didn’t even have his own bathroom–it was down the hall. Had only folding chairs under the bed for visitors. Worked for the city of Philadelphia, retired early. No kids, just us 3 nieces and nephew. His one hobby was apparently saving money. He was miserly to himself, but not to us. I’m hoping he wouldn’t mind that I’m using his to “live a little” more than he did.

    4. Asenath*

      You can get by with surprisingly little! I even got by without a bed for a while – slept on the floor, then got one of those metal bedframes, a bit of plywood and a cheap mattress. For storage, my go-to was what you already thought of, plastic shelves from discount stores like Walmart. They were surprisingly sturdy for the price – although they aren’t good with things like lots of books. Next up are plastic storage containers – if they’re on sale, the better types will last, but for temporary storage, the cheapest will do for a while and either will stack on the plastic shelves if you choose the right size. You can put your TV on a bureau – I did that with an old bureau that came with a house I moved into so, double duty furniture. Later, I got a really nice stand for almost nothing in the clearance section of a local store. You can also get cardboard storage, including drawers, which you assemble at home. Best for smaller items, usually. Don’t forget hanging options for clothing – you can get hangers that hold multiple articles of clothing and hooks that go over a closet rod and hold belts and scarves and so on without requiring a dresser. Oh, and if you have a cat that chews on cardboard, cardboard options aren’t good.

      1. Observer*

        Most of this is excellent advice. The only exception is to skip the bed.

        Please don’t do that. It’s the very rare person who does well sleeping on the floor. Of course if it’s a matter of paying for the real basics (like you need to eat…) or that, make sure you eat and don’t freeze. But saving a few dollars to not sleep reasonably well is not a good cost saving measure at all.

        1. Not So NewReader*

          I agree about sleeping directly on the floor. It’s better to get a mattress and box spring and put them on the floor to sleep. You can get a bed frame later. We did that for a few months when we first married. I guess it was never a big deal to have the mattresses on the floor because I have not thought of that in years.

          Yeah, too many things in life are based on having a good night’s sleep. Of course, you are the best judge of your own setting but do consider finding alternatives to sleeping directly on the floor.

        2. Cruciatus*

          (I wasn’t going to sleep on the floor–but it did remind me this weekend is the best time to buy mattresses! Oh, there are just so many of them these days…).

          I actually probably won’t move in right away. It needs new floors and, while I don’t want to spend that money now, there will be no better time to do it, at least in key rooms. I’ll probably move in over a few weeks while I’m dealing with the floors, bringing a bit here and there (my parents only live about 20-25 minutes away so no big deal).

    5. it happens*

      Also don’t forget Craigslist for furniture- especially if it doesn’t need to be nice. The end and beginning of the month are good to look, as well as this time of year around colleges- lots of students get rid of their furniture because they aren’t staying over the summer.

    6. NoLongerYoung*

      Another thing to think about is folding/camping/ future temporary use furniture that has multi-functions. Skip the dining room table, get a folding table and chairs at Costco (you will have it for YEARS for holidays, extra craft work, doing puzzles on, etc). Or that outdoor patio furniture set you like -use it indoors for awhile until you get the vibe for what you do like outside. And … IKEA. Their couch is great. Reasonable, slipcovers, and easy to get.
      For a mattress, I did (in my first studio) get an airbed for a month, then always had it for future guests after I bought a ‘real’ bed. Think of things as “repurposeable” not as cheap or throw away.
      And do check Craigslist and facebook marketplace – it is indeed moving season, and lots of stuff is going cheap. (I do recommend only buying your couch, mattress, soft goods new – but hard case goods, shelves, wooden items…. those are okay used… Just IMHO…)
      The idea is to give yourself time to enjoy the pleasure of picking out exactly what you want for furniture (or slipcovers, if your extended family gives you stuff). Don’t rush and then wish you had a “different” couch – but now you are stuck until the cat shreds this one. (LOL… been there).

    7. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      I have been very happy with my wood-frame futon. I had a bad experience with a metal-framed one that a roommate had (it sagged and broke within a year or two even with just one or two of us sitting on it regularly), but I’ve had my wooden one over a decade now, am not a small person, and have had 4 people sit on it at once with no problems, and two people sleep on it at once with no problems. It is also much easier to move than a regular couch, so it can gradually migrate from bedroom to living room (after you buy a bed) to basement/rec room/etc. (after you buy a “nicer” couch someday). Once you’re more settled and have your own bed, it’s also a nice option for guests. Most people seem to rate it as more comfortable than a hide-a-bed but less comfortable than a real guest bed.

      If you don’t have any small children, air mattresses are also a possible stopgap if you want to delay buying a real bed for a while (they are not safe for infants – suffocation hazard). I slept on one for about 3 months while moving, and it was less terrible than I thought it would be. I highly recommend making it up like you would a real bed, with a mattress cover, sheets, blankets, and such if possible rather than a sleeping bag.

      I get a lot of use out of folding tables and chairs. They are not as cheap as I thought they would be when I went to buy them, but they have come in handy a lot over the years so it turned out to be a good investment for me. You can also get bed lifts to raise a folding table up to make it counter-height if your kitchen doesn’t have enough counter space. (I do this to make a buffet table for parties now.)

      I tend to keep my clothes on drying racks all week unless I have company coming, so I don’t have a lot of suggestions for clothes storage. (Clothes on drying racks are not any more wrinkled than clothes that have been put away properly, so unless someone will see all the racks out or I need that space for something else, it’s easier just to leave the clothes on the racks all week. I hang most of my clothes to dry instead of running them through the dryer, which is obviously key to this making any sense.) Clothes that aren’t on the racks tend to be in a series of laundry baskets. I have little ones for socks, underwear, washcloths, hair wraps, and such, and bigger ones for pants and shirts. (I also have separate ones for dirty clothes, sorted by laundry need rather than clothing type.) I got the baskets at Dollar Tree.

      When I first moved out I got a couple of sets of tall plastic stackable rolling drawers. I haven’t seen those in stores for a while, but they were really nice for when I was just starting out and needed a place to put stuff. I still have them and use them for craft supplies and other things like that, since it’s nice to be able to completely pull out the drawer you need and put it on the table while working on a project.

    8. Anonyby*

      If you’re working with a realtor, maybe ask them to see if anyone in their network is getting rid of furniture in a move? I know my company has a email list specifically for this.

  93. How do they rise up*

    Tl/Dr: Is it inherently judgmental to ask someone why their pattern of behavior toward you/someone you know has changed?

    I have an extended relative (ER), who has mostly been nice to me over the years. Currently, not so much, which is fine, I just distanced myself from the relationship, reinforced my boundaries, and protected my own mental/physical space. However, ER, has started being discreetly mean to my direct relative (DR), which is something brand-new and never exhibited in past years. My sneaking suspicion is ER is being hurtful to DR because I’ve shut down my relationship with ER, but I didn’t want to just assume that, so I straight out asked ER why their behavior toward DR has changed. The response I received from ER was that I was being judgmental by simply asking and using the phrase change in the pattern of behavior, and that I should ask anybody because everyone knows this phrasing is judgmental. Yall are the best of “anybody” I know to ask, so here I am! lol. If I did something wrong by using that phrase, then I’ll own it, but I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around the idea that it’s inherently judgmental to even ask.

    Also, I stepped in because DR is a very young teen, so while they know something isn’t right, they’re not totally ready to address this on their own with ER, who is a much older adult.

    1. Alex*

      Sounds like classic deflection. “I don’t have to respond to your question if I pretend that you asked it wrong.”

      In this case, it is a big stretch. There is nothing wrong with that phrase.

      Since I am not as diplomatic as you I would be so tempted to say, “no, ‘bitchy’ would have been judgmental.”

      Also, it is ok to judge someone for being a bitch to a young teen for no reason. You might say, ” actually, I was specifically trying not to judge by trying to find a reason you are being so mean.”

      But really this relative has shown you she doesn’t have an interest in fixing whatever problem is going on, at least with you. Out of curiosity and not to armchair diagnose, but are they old enough that dementia would be a concern? Because sometimes old people with dementia can be really mean or have other personality changes.

      1. valentine*

        I’m assuming you are not DR’s parent, so, give them or a trusted adult a heads up, then cut off ER and don’t discuss her. If DR or someone else discloses, redirect them, but stay out of it. Don’t engage no matter what ER does because she’s willing to go after a child to get your attention and nothing you do will dissuade her because it worked.

    2. Rainy*

      I don’t see anything wrong with asking about the change OR with your wording.

      ER sounds a bit petty and manipulative to me, and DARVO is a common tactic for manipulators (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender). Does this sound like a familiar pattern? Do you often find yourself setting a boundary or pushing back against a slight and then suddenly comforting ER for the sadfeels that you caused by not being a doormat?

    3. Observer*

      What the others said.

      Also, I think it will probably be at least as useful to let DR know what you are seeing. It will validate that what they are seeing and feeling is real, it will validate the fact that it’s wrong, and it will be helpful to them that other adults in their life recognize that it’s wrong.

      If you can strategize with them how to deal with it, that’s even better.

    4. ShortT*

      ER sounds like a piece of work. ER isn’t even denying change in behavior toward DR. ER is going straight toward shifting the blame to you.

      “WTF is wrong with you?!?!?!?” Now, that would be judgmental.

    5. fposte*

      If DR was an adult, I’d say it wouldn’t be for you to get involved; ER’s focus on phrasing is silly, and my answer to being told I’m judgmental is “Hell, yes, I judge you, same as you judge me, because that’s human,” but I could see why they’d push back on your involvement. But DR is a kid, and not a very old one, so I think it’s appropriate for you to look out for them.

      If you’re up for some post-mortem, I don’t think what you said was mean, but I also think it had a low chance of success, and I’m all about the outcomes. It includes an assumption that’s going to bring the other person into defensive mode rather than inclining them toward solving it. Sure, some people will do that however you bring it up, but presumably you thought there was a change that you could actually change things here, so I think you’d have gotten farther with an approach like “I was surprised on how hard you were being on DR about their weight just now, and yesterday you seemed snappish with them about school stuff as well. What’s going on there?” That’s naming specifics and leaving room to explore (and yes, it sounds like multiple suggested workplace scripts).

      In addition to that, depending on the relationships here, looking out for DR might have meant talking to their parents rather than to ER at all, or keeping DR away from ER if DR is your direct responsibility. If this is more like a parent who’s gotten tougher on the remaining sibling since you left the house, though, I think approaching ER directly is the necessary plan–it’s just that it’s important to separate how frustrated you are with ER from your goal of getting them to ease up on DR.

      So by me I don’t think the phrasing is the problem ER suggests, but in a thorny relationship it’s one with prickles.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yep. Prickly people are going to pick at word choice. That is a way of throwing up a hurdle to impede conversation. Instead of discussing the real matter, you ended up in a discussion about word choice.

        I suspect you are probably correct that ER is punishing DR because of the disconnect between the two of you. but perhaps there are others disconnecting also and that is driving ER’s behavior?

        One thing you might want to prepare for is ER’s questions about why you backed away. Really think about how you want to present this information.

        So here’s some samples:
        “I thought I offended you and you were upset. So instead of saying this, I clumsily backed away.”
        {But only say this IF it is true. Don’t use this as a cover for a larger concern.)

        “You called me fat [insert other insult here] on three separate occasions. I did not feel we could talk about that because of the speed of conversation lead us quickly into other topics [insert other reasons here]. I was pretty hurt over this.”

        “Honestly, I am not sure why I backed away. It started with a feeling of discomfort, like I was annoying to you or something… finally, I decided I did not know what was wrong and I could not figure out how to mend it.”

        Perhaps the issue is too big and can never be totally resolved. In a case like this you can look for common ground. “We both love kiddo. We do have that in common.” This might work well as a redirect, where you could say, “What’s up with kiddo these days?” And work into you noticed that ER seemed tense with DR lately.

  94. Lena Clare*

    Omg is anyone watching Netflix’s Rim Of The World? It’s racist and sexist and totally inappropriate! I can’t believe they thought this would be a kids film.

    1. Laura H.*

      Not defending it, but a quick google search popped up with a TV-14 rating. It certainly isn’t a kids film based on that alone.

    2. Llama Face!*

      It was terrible! For some reason I didn’t turn it off til the end so I watched the whole thing. I kept thinking it must be a failed spoof but no it was seriously just awful.

    3. Gatomon*

      I watched it the other night. I think it’s a “kids” film geared towards those of us who grew up on 80s, 90s and early 00s kids films, especially the direct-to-TV variety. There’s swearing and stuff that wouldn’t be in a kids film if Netflix were serious about that.

      I think it was trying to poke fun at the tropes/stereotypes used in those older films (one of the black characters even asks why he’s talking like a stereotype IIRC) while also being funny in a modern way and heartwarming and serious at times, but the writer couldn’t pull it off. Overall I enjoyed it as a good bad movie, but I’m 30.

  95. The 6th Spice Girl*

    I would love tips for minimizing jet-lag. I’m going to be flying to Dublin on Thursday night and arriving Friday morning. I’m super excited, but on my last/only other international trip the jet-lag was a bear — I was really moody and out of it for the first couple of days. I don’t get to travel as much I’d like and really want to make the most of my time – any tips?

    2. Rainy*

      Honestly I do my best to arrive a few days before I need to do anything serious. :P

      I’ve always had pretty good luck with forcing myself to stay awake until local bedtime and then giving myself nine hours and getting up and going. Not great luck, I should point out, as I am extremely susceptible to jetlag, but usually if I don’t give in and nap or go to bed early, I adjust okay within 2 days or so for an 8-10 hour time difference.

    3. Not A Manager*

      I asked about the flight time because for me, getting as much sleep as possible on the overnight flight is key. If there’s enough time to get at least 6 hours of actual sleep, I will take a sleep aid. I want to be conked out as soon as possible for as long as possible.

      When I arrive, I stay up until at least 8:30 pm local time no matter what. If I absolutely HAVE to nap, I limit it to literally 20 minutes.

      Sometimes I wake up 3 hours later because to my body it feels like morning. Again, if I have at least 6 hours before actual morning/getting up time, I’ll take a sleep aid. The second night I’ll try to make it to 10 pm and ALSO take a sleep aid, this time right at bedtime.

      I know that sounds like a lot of drugs, but I’m willing to do 2-3 in a 3 day period in order to get on local time as soon as possible. You also have a wide variety of sleep aids to choose from, ranging from melatonin all the way to Ambien.

      1. blackcat*

        Ugh, yes, I booked an overnight flight from Boston to Ireland.
        I did not realize that that flight was FOUR HOURS. Only FOUR HOURS. And it wasn’t the summer, so I landed in the dark, in the fog, and had to rent a car and drive for 45 minutes *on the wrong side of the road* immediately after.
        It was brutal.
        I did SFO to Europe overnight flights with some frequency back in the day. Those were always fine. I could sleep 6+ hours on the 9+ hour flights, and roll with the big time change right away. Much harder on short flights. I can do the SFO -> BOS redeye okay, but SFO -> ATL (which is an hour shorter) kills me.
        I always forget how so far east Boston is until I consider travel that reminds me that Boston is in fact, roughly equidistant from Ireland/the UK to California.

        1. Not A Manager*

          Completely agree. I’m better off with a 12 hour overnight and a huge time change than I am with a 6 hour flight and a 6 hour time change.

    4. AK*

      I live in Alaska so even flying to the east coast is an all-day (or, usually, night) affair that can throw me for a loop; leaving the continent is a nightmare. The day I land is generally a total loss of either sleeping or sleep-walking. I allow myself that first day generally but get up the second morning and just make it work. Some people have found drug regimens, but that’s never worked for me. Neither does scheming plane-sleeping time or trying to get on the new time zone before I leave. I try to stay very well hydrated, to eat well (not vending machine fare), and to take walks outside no matter the weather.

      Be kind to yourself. That your body struggles is normal — it’s a crazy thing we do, traveling thousands of miles in a matter of hours.

      Enjoy your trip!

    5. Kathenus*

      One thing that I think is important is to not think about the time difference and what time it is at home. I think sometimes people psych themselves into worse jet lag by constantly thinking ‘it’s xx o’clock at home’. When I travel with time changes I change my watch to the destination time as soon as the plane takes off and intentionally think of everything in that time from then on. I truly think it helps me have minimal problems with jet lag including on really long international trips.

    6. Anon Anon Anon*

      I make sure I sleep on the plane, even if it means taking a mild otc sleep aid. Then I get more sleep when I arrive – sleep so much that I have the energy to reset my schedule the next day. Lots of sunlight helps too.

      And I definitely plan the first day as mostly recovery. Rest and adjust. Go out and do something, but mostly just get used to things.

    7. Jules the First*

      Sleep on the plane if you can. Set your watch to Dublin time shortly after take-off and behave as if you were on the new time. This means eating a light supper before you board the plane; skip the in-flight dinner, tea, coffee, and alcohol. Stick to water and if you can’t sleep, do something low key – read a book, watch a character-driven film, meditate, colour, listen to music, etc. Have breakfast and a caffeinated beverage before landing, then get yourself out into natural light asap. Sunshine is best, but even if it’s rainy and overcast, get outdoors and moving. Whatever you do, don’t nap.

      Also, make sure you eat regularly for those first few days – you may not be hungry when it’s time for breakfast or lunch or whatever, but if you eat at local time, it will help get your body in sync with local time. I also find that jetlag is less when my days are busy – it’s downtime that seems to make it worse, so schedule yourself in advance for the first couple of days so that you’re busy but don’t have to make a lot of decisions.

  96. FaintlyMacabre*

    Just need to vent- needed to get rid of an item and listed it on Craigslist. Guy responds, ne would like item. I ask if he can pick up today. He can. He says if I can send him the address, he will give me an eta. About two hours after I send the address, he writes back that he’s eating lunch and will come and pick it up after. That was two hours ago! Blergh. I emailed back asking for a more concrete time… Nada. Other people want it, so if he flakes out it is not a huge deal, but I hate wasting time.

    1. FaintlyMacabre*

      …And he just wrote back, saying he forgot and can he pick it up tomorrow. Aaargh.

        1. FaintlyMacabre*

          No money- it’s free! If it weren’t so bulky I would have put it out on the sidewalk with a “free” sign attached to it. Oh, sigh.

          1. Aphrodite*

            That’s the worst. Free items seem to have no value to those the items have been promised. I get that every time, and the last time I just told the first person, once she said she couldn’t come that day, that I had chosen someone else. She emailed me repeatedly, begging to get it. I refused as the fourth person I had contacted was already on their way.

            Never wait.

    2. Belle*

      I would also recommend having someone with you when he picks it up. As a safety precaution if coming into your home.

      1. FaintlyMacabre*

        I have a barky pitbull- she’s excellent at discouraging unwanted attention!

    3. FaintlyMacabre*

      And if any one is on pins and needles, wondering how it turned out:

      Guy showed up about 20 minutes late and was pleasant. The drama mercifully concludes.

  97. Antagonist Relations*

    Ask a Manager D&D and RPG fans, I’m advertising the Ask A Manager RPG club again (groups.io link in username).

    Everyone’s welcome; whether you’re completely new to the hobby and looking to try for the first time or you’re an experienced player looking for a new online game or just more people to talk tabletop roleplaying games with.

    Come and chat, find an online game, talk about gaming podcasts, ask for playing or game-mastering advice and delve deeper into the RPG hobby.

    The online 5th Edition D&D game that came out of Ask A Manager last year made it through an update of the classic Against the Cult of the Reptile God module and then completed Curse of Strahd. Now, unfortunately, three members of the group are stepping out due to changing life circumstances and we have two openings. We play Saturdays, 11:30am-4pm Central every other Saturday, our next session will be June 22nd, so there is plenty of time to reach out and get set up if you’re interested.

      1. fhqwhgads*

        The site doesn’t allow links in usernames anymore because people were using it to bypass the “all links go to moderation” site settings, rather than using it to link to, say, their own person site of blog or whathaveyou, which is what that feature was originally intended for. Alison turned it off a while ago.
        I’m not sure why some people still seem to see the prompt for one though. When Alison disabled that I stopped seeing a box for website in the reply area. All it shows to me now is name and email. Maybe you’ve got a caching issue if you still see a prompt for website?

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