weekend free-for-all – June 29-30, 2019

by Alison Green on June 29, 2019

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. (This one is truly no work and no school.)

Book recommendation of the week: Chasing Cosby: The Downfall of America’s Dad, by Nicole Weisensee Egan. He’s even worse than you already knew.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

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{ 1,712 comments }

{ 1,712 comments… read them below }

  1. Angela*

    I’m trying to make the switch from foundation to tinted moisturizer. Does anyone have a recommendation for one they really like? It must have SPF in it.=

    1. Aspiring Francophone*

      I really like Clarins! Good coverage, but lightweight. What I use is SPF 50 which is great for a pale PNW woman like myself. (Bought from Nordstrom but likely available elsewhere.)

      1. Coffee Cup*

        The Balm Balm Shelter. It used to be too dark for me even in the lightest shade, but now they have a shade called “Lighter than Light”, which is perfect. SPF15, great longevity, just great in general.

    2. Suggsie*

      I use the Tarte Amazonian Clay Tinted Moisturizer. It’s really light, you don’t have to use very much and has SPF 20. You can find it at Sephora.

      1. Luisa*

        I use this one too, and I also like it a lot! The only downside is that it’s difficult to wash off my foundation brush, but I just switched to applying with my fingers and then blending with a sponge.

        1. namelesscommentator*

          Look up silicone face scrubbers! I got one from tarte that was horrid on my face, but MAGIC for deep cleaning brushes with a little dr. bronners.

      2. Christmas*

        I second Tarte Amazonian Clay Tinted Moisturizer. I’ve used a variety of products in my lifetime, and have found my go-to product. LOVE this stuff. Best my skin has ever looked or felt.
        *Tarte, if you are reading this, please feel free to send me a lifetime supply and/or advertising royalties. Iloveyou kthxbye

      3. HamlindigoBlue*

        I use this all the time. I love it! I’m super fair skinned, and this is the only tinted moisturizer I’ve found that doesn’t leave an orangey hue on my skin.

    4. Lobsterp0t*

      Ah – also, if that’s your only SPF, it’s unlikely you’re getting enough coverage.

      There are lots of cosmetically elegant options out there!

      1. namelesscommentator*

        This. This so much. SPF in cosmetics is an unregulated nightmare.

        If you’re okay with pricey stuff, MD Solar Sciences has a tinted sunscreen and a BB cream that you can try. Personally I love them but can’t justify the price in my budget outside of FSA spend downs.

        The cheaper option would be to pair a high quality sunscreen (zinc oxide or iron oxide, with more than 20% of the formula being active) with a BB cream. Trader Joe’s just released a new one that is workable, if a little oily. Badger brand also makes a great one and they’re both at MUCH more reasonable price points than MD Solar Sciences.

        For the BB cream, I’ve really liked Hydroxatone but never seen it outside of Costco. I’ve also. I’ve also had success mixing concealer or foundation with moisturizer, which can often give you a much better match. Embryolisse has worked well in the past. (This also works well to to transition down if you’re used to full coverage all day every day).

      1. Ethyl*

        Depends on you, your skin, what you like, what look you’re going for, stuff like that. I have oily skin and ginormous pores so I like to use a mattifying primer sometimes under my BB cream if I’m going to be out and about and sweaty. If I’m really going to be sweating all day, like at the fair or something, I’ll use a primer, BB cream, setting spray, and translucent powder. That keeps me looking halfway decent for the most part. But YMMV!

    6. Butter Makes Things Better*

      I love Chantecaille Just Tinted with SPF 15 on top of their SPF 45 primer, but they’re pricey. I’ve been stretching out the same tubes for a while.

      1. Batgirl*

        I adore Chantecaille Just Skin. It’s great if you have dry skin, goes on like butter.

    7. Iza*

      I use Laura Mercier tinted moisturizer. It’s only spf 20 though so I use a supergoop sunscreen as well.

    8. hfjkashfja*

      I’ve used Laura Mercier tinted moisturizer for years and years. The non non-oil one. So the oily one? I use a little concealer on top for more coverage. Then you can control how much coverage you get. Also started layering Shisedo 38SPF sunscreen underneath for more SPF and I think the combo was made in heaven, at least for me (combo skin) ! I’d suggest either on their own but definitely together!

    9. Agent J*

      I just discovered Supergoop’s 100% Mineral Matte Screen with SPF 40 and I love it! It has a “universal” tint but if your skin is on either side of the spectrum, it may not suit you. It’s also a makeup primer, but I can’t attest to its effectiveness since I don’t wear anything on top of it.

      1. Gina*

        The Rescue Gel has been great over primers and sunscreens. My pale Irish complexion found a perfect match surprisingly enough.

    11. Invisible Fish*

      NARS – wide shade range, buildable coverage, kind of cruelty free (they don’t test on animals but still sell products in China).

      1. Fortitude Jones*

        I loved Nars as well until they discontinued my color (Malaga). I went back to using Erborian, a Japanese skincare product sold at Sephora, and it’s great (with SPF 20 I believe). I put it on over the Dr. Dennis Gross mineral sunscreen that’s SPF 50.

        1. Agent J*

          Not racist. Chinese law requires mandatory animal testing on all cosmetics products that are manufactured outside of China.

    13. CatCat*

      Laura Mercier. It’s pricey, but I’ve found it really goes on the best and makes my skin tone appear even. I’ve been disappointed when I tried cheaper brands.

    15. Marguerite*

      Someone mentioned this, but I love the Laura Mercier one. Agreed on the one with the non non-oily one. Otherwise It Cosmetics make some good BB or CC creams. (Similar to tinted moisturizers- a little thicker, but almost all contain SPF.) Dr Jart is also good. If you live near any Asian grocery stores, they do a lot with BB and CC creams. They’re not horribly expensive either. CoverGirl used to do a good one, but they changed the formula so it isn’t as good. I’ve read about the Garnier tinted moisturizer, but never tried it. Otherwise you could just use plain moisturizer and a drop of foundation in it. Otherwise a lot of brands make pigments like CoverFx where you can make your own by adding it to lotion, moisturizer, etc.

    16. OG Karyn*

      Nars makes a great one, as does Shiseido (it’s one of those color match ones that changes to your skin tone). Signed, a former Sephora employee!

    17. Blue_eyes*

      I really like Physician’s Formula Super BB cream. It’s foundation, moisturizer, and SPF all in one. It has 30 SPF. Especially in the summer, it’s nice to only put one product on my face (instead of SPF moisturizer, and color corrector, and foundation which I do sometimes).

    18. BetsCounts*

      I have tried about a million tinted moisturizers with SPF and my top 3 are
      ERBORIAN CC Cream Radiance Color Corrector Broad Spectrum SPF25- I love the consistency but it only comes in 3 shades
      IT COSMETICS Your Skin but Better CC+ Cream with SPF 50+- nice because of the wide range of shades
      SHISEIDO WASO: Color-Smart Day Moisturizer SPF 30 Sunscreen- it is one of those that ‘self matches’ to your skin

      I’ve also been pleased with
      SUPERGOOP! CC Cream Daily Correct Broad Spectrum SPF 35 Sunscreen- nice consistency, happy with the spf
      Origins GinZing Energy-Boosting Tinted Moisturizer- it is one of those that ‘self matches’ to your skin

    19. Lee*

      Late to the party but I recommend Paula’s Choice Resist Moisturizer (SPF 30). It’s lightweight and doesn’t leave a white cast.

  2. love reading*

    I read Alison’s recommendation of Crampton Hodnet by Barbara Pym and now I’m on a Barbara Pym kick! What a shame none of her books seem to have ever been made into movies.

    What are you reading?

      2. Double A*

        Quartet in Autumn is I think my favorite. It’s more meditative and melancholy. But I’ve read all her books and I love them all.

        I’m so happy to be seeing the Pym love here! She’s been a long time favorite of mine but seems fairly unknown at least in the US. I love that she writes about such ordinary lives. That’s one reason I loved This Could Hurt by Jillian Medoff– it’s just about people’s ordinary office lives. I think that’s so hard to write well!

    2. Jen Erik*

      I happened upon Excellent Women in a UBS so I read and enjoyed it. (last time I read Pym was when I was a teenager, working as an au pair in Finland, and they were one of the few English language books the library had. I enjoyed her much more this time round.) Then I read ‘Still Glides the Stream’ by D. E Stevenson and I’m now reading ‘Mr Finchley Discovers His England’. (I think those last two may have been recommended by someone on Dear Author.)
      As a group of books, they sit well together.

        1. Just me, Vee*

          I’m on a Pym kick, too, because of Allison’s recommendation! And I also enjoy D. E. Stevenson. Many of Stevenson’s titles are available on Kindle Unlimited.

    3. gecko*

      I’ve been rolling through KJ Charles’s historical romance novels and I’ve finished just about all of them, which is terrible. I want an infinite amount!

      But now maybe I’ll get to Babylon’s Ashes, one of the later books in the Expanse series. I always delay on starting these but end up really enjoying them in the end—the combination of simple space adventure with nuanced characters is a delight to see play out. Just have to start it :)

    4. fposte*

      There is a 1992 British TV thing, which I’ve never seen, starring Patricia Routledge as Barbara Pym, called “Miss Pym’s Day Out.” It’s about her getting nominated for the Booker Prize for Quartet in Autumn (which I loved).

    5. Southern Metalsmith*

      I also started ‘Crampton Hodnet’ and I’m really enjoying it. I’m also about three-quarters of the way through ‘The Ragged Edge of Night’ by Olivia Hawker, and about one quarter into ‘The Invention of Wings’ by Sue Monk Kidd, so I needed something a little lighter.
      Our book club just finished ‘A Gentleman in Moscow’ by Amor Towles, and I can highly recommend it! Also ‘Happiness’ by Aminatta Forna. Really enjoyed both of those!

    6. Monty and Millie's Mom*

      Been on a Maeve Binchy kick lately. Reading Tara Road right now, finished Quentins last week. Obviously not reading in order, but it’s fun to see familiar characters pop up!

      1. it's all good*

        love love love Maeve Binchy! I have all my books packed, I need to reread again, it’s been awhile since I’ve visited my old friends.

    7. Elizabeth West*

      I’ve begun packing (SO MANY BOOKS) and I keep finding ones I haven’t read. Oof. My horror/sci-fi collection alone has taken seven boxes, even with culls, and I still have six bookshelves left! >_<

      I found a James Herbert novel called ’48 (post-apocalyptic fiction) I had never looked at. I opened it up and three hours later was all, “I’m keeping this one.”

    8. it's all good*

      I just finished “the wife” by Meg Wolitzer (sp?). Really enjoyed it, can’t wait to see the movie now. Going to read Wally Lamb next, the title has something to do with water.

  3. LondonBridges*

    I really hate hold music. I’m currently on hold with customer service for my cell phone, and instead of the usual muzak, it’s the worst, most distorted version of “Somebody to Love” by Queen. And only about 30 seconds of it! 7 minutes and counting. Ugh.

    1. lalala*

      If I was a musician I’d do all I could to forbid my works being used as hold music. That’s almost a guaranteed way of getting people to hate it.

    2. Lobsterp0t*

      PlusNet? For a while they had Don’t You Want Me and it was loud but strangely inaudible also.

    3. Seeking Second Childhood*

      “I need somebody to talk to to me… find somebody to talk talk talk to meeeeee”

    4. BeanCat*

      We have some hold music for every government agency in my state that sounds like it came straight out of a CSI game – very synth, sounds…one step shy of spooky? I half love it and half hate it.

    5. Toaster strudel heiress*

      My doctor’s surgery plays a recording of hold music which gets interrupted every few seconds to tell you that you’re still on hold. Every time you think it’s someone answering. It’s infuriating. And they just ignore feedback about it.

      1. Zephy*

        I think it’s a tie between that and the every-few-seconds interruptions to tell you about the website and what services you can access there. I know that’s aimed toward tech-shy old people, but as a tech-savvy young person, if I’m calling you, it’s because I can’t use the website – I’ve exhausted every other method that allows me to pay my bill or whatever without interacting with another human being. Like sheesh, I get it, I don’t want to talk to you either, but can we please just get this over with??

        1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

          Argh this is one of my pet peeves! Yes I know I can look at your website. How do you think I found your phone number??

      2. The Cosmic Avenger*

        THIS. I don’t care how bad the music is, I can put the phone down (sometimes on speaker, sometimes not) or hold it a few inches from my ear, and tune it out. BUT STOP INTERRUPTING IT WITH RECORDED TALKING, AND MAKING ME THINK SOMEONE PICKED UP.

        2. Miss Astoria Platenclear*

          “Your call is important to us…” apparently not that important, or you’d hire more people to answer the phone.

      3. KoiFeeder*

        The vet’s office does that too! I mean, it’s all advice on exotics, which is nice, but sir, I am here for my fish. My fish will not get MBD because they are fish and also Sharkie can eat bones.

    6. I hate coming up with usernames*

      The only hold music I like is when you call Disney World about a trip. They play the music from the theme parks and it gets me all into the magic while I wait. (Yes, I know, I’m a nerd LOL.)

    7. Phlox*

      Aaa the bad sound quality on so many of them! I will say shoutout to DC government, they do play one of the standard classical music hold pieces but its a high quality recording and pleasant for hold music. Its the too short, looping, out of tune, with audio ad interuptions that just are painful.

    8. Booksalot*

      I tease a pharmacist friend because his company has used the Notebook soundtrack as hold music for fifteen years. It’s a great way to get morbidly depressed before you talk to someone about drugs.

    9. Southern Metalsmith*

      The worst is when they keep interrupting the music with ‘Your call is very important to us….’ Right, so answer it! Ugh.
      But on a more positive note, I called a company last week and got a message that said something like, ‘We are experiencing a higher than normal call volume….’ and directed me to leave my number and they’d call me back. And, y’all, they did! In about 15 minutes! It was great! The woman was very helpful, I got what I needed, I wish all interactions were so pleasant.

      1. Parenthetically*

        The callback feature is genius. Our family doctor has it, and we use it pretty much 100% of the time, but my OB-GYN does not, so I have to listen to the same shite hold music constantly interrupted with “Your call is very important to us…”

    10. Elizabeth West*

      I remember being on hold once when I still worked at OldExjob (cannot for the life of me remember what company I’d called), and it was all classical music. I was enjoying the hell out of it and when the person finally picked up, I said “Nooo, put the music back on!” They laughed.

      FedEx’s was the worst. I think it was some kind of stock music, and it was so scratchy it set my teeth on edge. Ugh.

    11. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      Urgh. I used to have a job where I had to call a lot of county tax offices, lawyers’ offices, and banks to check up on certain properties. I got to hear an AMAZING variety of hold music. (Being a lowly temp, I was once assigned to call about something outside of my normal workflow because the hold times for the government office we were supposed to call about a “you may have an interest in a property we’re doing governmenty things about, call this number if you need more info” letter were so absurdly long that the actual employee in charge of those situations couldn’t deal with it. I think I was on hold for 2 hours before getting through, but I did get lots of cartoons drawn while I waited.)

      The ones that constantly interrupt the music with talking are the worst because you have to pay attention. The best are the ones who have non-standard music choices so you can speculate about why they decided that was the right choice for their office. If I ever somehow end up in charge of hold music for a small office (not likely) I am totally going to use filk for the hold music.

      In a non-office setting, speakerphone is your friend while you’re on hold. This hadn’t occurred to me until I saw my dad do it once, but just putting the phone on speakerphone so you’re not tieing up a hand and then browsing the internet on a computer/reading a book/whatever makes long hold times less obnoxious. This works better with the places that don’t talk in their hold music so you can just listen for the music to stop, of course.

      Also, if there is both talking and music, please keep them at the same volume level. One of the automated phone systems I occasionally use has REALLY LOUD music it plays at certain points while it’s processing things.

    13. UKCoffeeLover*

      My bank has started using waves and bird song!!!!!
      It is just a crash of noise in your ear , I hate it and am really grumpy by the t8me they pick up my call.

    14. UKCoffeeLover*

      My bank has started using waves and bird song!!!!!
      It is just a crash of noise in your ear , I hate it and am really grumpy by the time they pick up my call.

    15. Apt Nickname*

      Ack, I was on hold last week and in addition to playing the same terrible synthesizer piece over and over, there was a recorded message that suggested I use this time to get all the information together for my call. It played every 44 seconds. I was on hold for 20 minutes before I gave up. I listened to that condescending message approximately 30 times.

  4. greenthumb*

    Pokémon friends, hope you raked in some serious candies and stardust during the recent event, and that you get photobombed quickly by an event Pikachu. Thanks to you, I’ve gotten some great postcards, as well as a shiny golden Pineco and a shivery blue Snorunt.

    1. Kate*

      Piggybacking on this to say that since here is a new New Friend Quest on Pokémon Go, I am sure lots of us are looking for friends! I swear I get all my best Pokémon ago friends off AAM…

      My code is 2924 2053 3162.

      1. Ismis*

        Yes! I’m already friends with you, Kate, but it would be good to have one more to tick that quest off. I am 4525 9866 9695.

        I feel a bit bad though – I am already a bit slack with getting back with gifts. Work has been very busy and I’m not getting out and about as often as I would like.

        2. curly sue*

          I have you both already but I could use another friend for the new quest — I’m generally pretty good with getting gifts to people every couple of days, and I’m gunning for level 40 now. 1472 9297 6150!

          1. Woodchiken*

            I just added you as a friend! I am pretty new so I am still learning game mechanics but this is fun!

            1. curly sue*

              I originally put the game on my phone for my kids, but I’m a lot more into it now than they are. It’s addictive!

      2. Babycarrot*

        Hi, I just added you as a friend. I don’t play a lot because its mainly for the kids but I do love the new Harry Potter Wizards Unite game!

      3. Rock Prof*

        I’ve been slacking at Pokemon go, particularly the friends part. My trainer code is 8873 4304 4229.

      5. SydneyGerald*

        I added you and Ismis – I only play a couple of times a week so I’m not consistent on gifts at all :)

        I’m 8552 6858 2016

      6. GingerNinge11*

        I added you! And I’m already friends with Ismis :)

        My code is 6148 7038 6487 if anyone else wants a new friend!

    2. Amethyst*

      That’s awesome. I haven’t found any shinies (I only have Eevee, Magikarp, and Slakoth) yet but I’m still looking.

      My trainer code is 7057 6433 6958.

      1. Amethyst*

        Just FYI for everyone who’s friended me. I’m Jadastar7369 on PoGo. I am officially out of gifts to give. :( Will send when I can get outside again.

    3. Aspiring Chicken Lady*

      Duncamama on pokemon go… 0583 9602 3981

      I play just enough to get stuff and send gifts…

    4. Julia*

      It is an eternal mystery to me why Snorunt, an ice type Pokémon, keeps shivering.

      I caught two shiny Raikou today though!

    6. Another Pokemon player*

      I am also looking for friends. I play fairly often.

      Trainer code 4171 9908 1604

    7. Yams*

      Hope yall don’t mind but I added you guys! I don’t play much during the summer though, the heat in my corner of the world iw brutal!
      Here’s my friend code in case anyone wants to be friends 6923 0677 3529

    8. Lou*

      Adding everyone! I play fairly frequently, but might not be great about sending gifts for the next month (writing a thesis and then moving… eek). My code is 6619 7529 6479.

    9. Southern Metalsmith*

      I’m glad someone started this thread today. Hello to all Trainers who are already friends! I would also welcome new friends. My code is 4456 4882 1813. (I play as Zeomom.)
      I’ve enjoyed seeing where all over the world gifts are coming from and I’ve been noting down some of the interesting stops in case we get a chance to travel to that part of the world. I’m out of gifts right now, but heading out in a few minutes, and hopefully will be sending more soon.

      1. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

        Hey Zeomom how’s it going? It’s Ladyoh – we’ve made it to Ultra friends!

        1. Southern Metalsmith*

          Hey to you! I’m doing well, thanks for asking. Hope you are, too. And thanks for the gifts.

    10. Arts Akimbo*

      Yay!!! It’s great to have Ask A Manager pokemon friends! Thanks to everybody who already friended me! Here’s my code again for anyone who wants it–

      2249 1336 4735

    11. MinotJ*

      Thanks for making this thread! I’m friends with several of you already, but I have room for more! West-coast US, if anybody is picky about location. 3210 6336 0653.

    12. Cloudy with sunny breaks*

      Currently in a bit of a Pokémon desert but I send gifts fairly regularly. Normally west coast city. Code is 8243 2632 9779

    14. Nerfmobile*

      Sent requests to some of you I am not already friends with. Others may feel free to add me! 8569 3675 0900 (Nerfmobile there too).

    15. Duncandoaks*

      I’m so glad to see so many people still play! We see people from age 5 to 80 play here and I can always use more friends to send gifts to
      My code is 6681 4985 0665 I’ve already sent a request to many of you

  5. Sc@rlettNZ*

    Hit me with your podcast recommendations folks. I enjoy true crime but am open to other genres as well.

    1. Hazy Days*

      Go to the BBC website and hunt down the back episodes of Punt PI – a series where he investigates a mystery in a fairly lighthearted way. I really like them!

    2. Cosmos Blossom*

      If you’re a fan of late-night shows, I cannot recommend Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend enough! It’s got that fun Conan vibe plus interesting, in-depth interviews with a variety of people. The episode with Robert Caro is pretty cool, and his conversation with Stephen Colbert was great too.

      2. Butter Makes Things Better*

        Second the recommendation. It’s a side of Conan you never get in shorter time formats: thoughtful, contemplative, vulnerable at times, but always with a light touch. My favorite eps have been Lisa Kudrow, David Sedaris, Ben Stiller, Howard Stern, and Marc Maron (esp. the last 5-10 mins.)

        Also, Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard! Nice, long, wide-ranging convos, and Dax is a fascinating, insightful, no-topics-are-off-limits host. His Sedaris ep is also awesome, but you can parachute in anywhere — Jason Bateman is a great entry point, but the recent ones with Jeff Garlin and Craig T. Nelson were great.

        1. Cosmos Blossom*

          +1 for Armchair Expert! I tend to listen to the episodes of people I’m familiar with, but it’s always a nice listen. I really appreciate Dax’s openness to talk about anything, especially mental health and sobriety. Real insightful stuff!

      3. peanut*

        I was surprised by how much I love this, because I hadn’t really watched any Conan at all (I only have Netflix and Hulu). The episodes are so funny (never in a mean way) and also thoughtful.

    3. Valancy Snaith*

      If you like true crime, I recommend Dark Poutine, which is a Canadian true crime podcast and is really excellent. The hosts are funny and warm and very open, and the cases are usually not all that famous. It’s great.

    4. Reliquary*

      I could go on and on about podcasts! I really like a lot of them.

      My top recommendation for you is Criminal, with Phoebe Judge, at thisiscriminal dot com. It’s not your usual “true crime” podcast, but it’s great.

      Ear Hustle, with Earlonne Woods and Nigel Poor, at earhustlesq dot com. The SQ in the title stands for San Quentin, a famous California prison, and the podcast is about prison life.

      I also enjoy The Allusionist, with Helen Zaltzman, at theallusionist dot org, which is not about crime at all, but about language.

      I’m a fan of The Memory Palace with Nate DiMeo at thememorypalace dot us, but I think you might have to have an interest in American history for that one.

      2. Runaway Shinobi*

        Seconding all of these! Also, David Tennant does a Podcast (very good interviews), as well as Shedunnit (about the golden age of English crime fiction) and 99 PM (about design and the built environment)

    5. Rebecca*

      Cold, about the Susan Powell disappearance in Utah, Cold Case Files, like the A&E show, Lore, Radio Lab, Michael Connelly’s Murder Book (because I’m a fan of his Harry Bosch novels), and I recently started listening to Something Was Wrong.

    6. BRR*

      There are podcasts for a lot of tv shows so I start with the show and then search for the podcast. My personal favorite is Out On the Lanai for the golden girls.

      2. Donkey Hotey*

        West Wing Weekly is pretty good. They manage to get some very interesting guest stars.

    7. Zephy*

      +1 rec for Criminal! It tends to focus on crimes that are not murder, generally, or if the crime involved is a murder then the story will focus on some other aspect besides the specific attack and the victims. For example, the latest episode discusses a case where a woman’s children were removed from her custody, not because anything had happened to those children specifically, but because their mom was previously convicted of child endangerment involving a different set of kids who died under mysterious circumstances when the family car rolled into a lake.

      If murder is your jam, though, Casefile is great. The Australian host has a very soothing voice (despite describing some pretty horrific stuff on occasion), and the stories are presented in what feels like a very respectful manner, in contrast to a podcast like My Favorite Murder, which there was already a discussion about ’round these parts earlier this month. (I confess that I’ve never done any additional research on a case I heard about through Casefile, but the host at least doesn’t make fun of anyone involved in the case he presents.)

      Atlanta Monster and Monster: The Zodiac Killer are pretty interesting; that’s two seasons, each season goes on a deep dive into the respective cases. It looks like the same creator has started working on a related podcast called Monster Presents: Insomniac; the trailer is pretty vague but it seems like the framing device is a host with an obsession telling you, the listener, about various serial killers, taking a shallower dive over just a few episodes rather than dedicating a full 10-13 episode season to a single case. The first two episodes are about the I-70 strangler and they premiered Thursday. I haven’t listened to them yet but they’re in my queue.

    8. Crocheted familiar*

      Medieval Death Trip is a podcast that ‘explore the wit and weirdness of medieval texts’. It’s really interesting, uses primary sources, and discusses them afterwards from a scholarly perspective but isn’t dry and dull. I highly recommend it.

      2. MCL*

        If you like history podcasts, I have really enjoyed the History of the Crusades podcast by Australian podcaster Sharyn Eastaugh. She’s very delightful, and started from a total beginner armchair podcaster and has hundreds of episodes under her belt. She’s working on a series about the Baltic Crusades now, and it’s fascinating.

    9. gecko*

      Chatty—

      Blank Check—if you like the hosts, these are looong episodes about movies. No real need to have seen the movie they talk about, but start with a movie you’ve seen, don’t start at the beginning.

      Oh No Ross and Carrie—They investigate different religious orgs/pseudoscience things/culty classes by joining them. Start with a miniseries of one that interests you.

      Radio-y & highly-produced:

      We Came to Win—stories about soccer, and not just about soccer, all relating to different World Cups. I am not sporty and really enjoyed this.

      Reply All—Technology and internet stories. I vote start with the first episode on Zardulu (pizza rat).

      Decoder Ring—different cultural…things and where they came from. Like, scary clowns! Why scary clowns?

      99% Invisible—of course, but it is just such a good podcast. I realllllly really like the episode Future Screens Are Blue (I’m pretty sure that’s what it’s called).

    10. Agent J*

      Another +1 for Criminal.

      I also really like Serial—it was the first podcast that got my hooked on podcasts. The second season is a little hard for me to get into but the third season focused on everyday criminal cases and how small things are actually big things that change people’s lives forever.

      For other podcasts besides true crime: This is Love (a lighthearted podcast from the makers of Criminal), Kind World (short episodes that remind me that there’s still profound goodness im the world), and Where Should We Begin? By Esther Perel (who has totally opened my mind about how I see relationships).

    12. Ranon*

      For goofy fiction sci-fi there’s Mission to Zyxx (ongoing) and Bubble (wrapped up a season, crossing my fingers hard for a second).

      You might like Nocturne- it’s occasionally got some true crime episodes but also just all sorts of interesting (usually non-fiction) stories about things that happen in the night. Good story telling, very much in the vein of Criminal

      1. Donkey Hotey*

        As far as SF podcasts, you can’t go wrong with Wolf 359 or EOS 10. Both rather short character driven stories set in space.

    13. A Simple Narwhal*

      I really like You’re Wrong About, which investigates cultural stories/events that everyone “knows” what happened and reveals what actually did happen and how society remembers things wrong. It’s really entertaining, the hosts have great comradery, and it’s absolutely fascinating.

      Some of my favorites include the Challenger Disaster, Terri Schiavo, The 2000 Election, and the obesity epidemic. They just released an episode on the Stonewall Uprising that I’m excited to listen to.

      It’s crazy to hear what really happened!

      1. A Simple Narwhal*

        Quickly amending this to say that this is absolutely not a conspiracy theory podcast, it’s investigative journalism.

      2. Ra94*

        Yes! This is my favourite podcast- it makes me feel like a smarter person every time I listen.

      3. I Concur*

        Big +1 on this recommendation for You’re Wrong About. Another great thing is they get the tone right nearly all the time. They’re hilarious and snarky but also deeply empathetic. They always make me want to hang out with them.

    14. Moocowcat*

      If you like science, Astronomy Cast is the way to go. Take a facts based trip around the universe, and learn what and how we know things!

      1. Ranon*

        Ologies is another great science podcast and it covers a huge range of topics with a lot of enthusiasm, super fun to listen to scientists talk about their science

    15. Glomarization, Esq.*

      The Boghouse: a couple buys a defunct theater space in Philadelphia to convert into a new theater and apartments, finds a couple of 18th-century privies when they dig new foundations. True story includes history of the block and discoveries they make during construction.

      Jarnsaxa Rising: “[E]pisodic science fiction revenge tragedy. Jarnsaxa, a giantess, and her cousin Loki, seek vengeance on Thor by unleashing Ragnarok. Meanwhile, agents of a multinational energy corporation pursue eco-terrorists in the frozen North. This story travels gritty dystopian wastelands, supernatural paradise, and contemporary realms, to examine what we sustain and why.”

    16. Falling Diphthong*

      538’s podcast
      If you’re interested in American politics. Specific focus is how is X playing, is it going to redistribute support or be a blip?

      Gastropod
      Food and science.

      Says You
      NPR quiz show for word nerds.

    17. justcourt*

      I love Robert Evans’ Behind the Bastards. Each episode involves Evans (and comedian guest) doing a deep-ish dive on historical (e.g. King Leopoldo II, the British East India Company, etc.) or contemporary (e.g. Erik Prince, Assad, etc.) bad guys and girls.

      1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

        Yes, I listen to this a lot. In a similar vein but less well produced is Knowledge Fight (two guys talk about Alex Jones) and QAnon Anonymous. They are both from an explicitly critical viewpoint but I have found them interesting when I was wondering what the heck those two things were really about.

        I also like Sunday School Dropouts (a couple reads the Bible and talks about each book. She is an ex-Christian, he was raised more or less atheist but from a Jewish background). Very irreverent but I liked getting an overview of what is actually in each book, plus assorted Bible-adjacent ideas.

        Recently I discovered Archaeological Fantasies, which has been going for a while so I’m listening to the back episodes. Covers various pseudo archaeology topics like ancient aliens and hoaxes.

    19. Ra94*

      From the crime side of things, I really enjoy a few ones from Wondery: Over My Dead Body is an interesting series about an unusual murder, and the one-off Prodfather is AMAZING. The Man in the Window, about the Golden State Killer, is both terrifying and enraging.

      Crimetown is about Detroit mayors (one in the 70s, one in the 00’s), and it’s certainly very crime-adjacent, but with a lot of politics, history, discussion of the media, etc. The tone is fantastic- the hosts choose awesome music, and do a really good job of mixing in audio clips.

      You’re Wrong About is my favourite podcast, just great investigative journalism in the format of two friends chatting, and I like that each episode is standalone and completely different- there’s sure to be some episodes for everyone. I also love Malcolm Gladwell’s Revisionist History (which he seems to have stopped making?) in a similar, but slightly more quirky + professorial vein.

      The Guardian Longreads podcasts are also often quite interesting- the Aldi one was, improbably, impossible to stop listening to and contains the funniest kidnapping story I’ve ever heard.

      1. Kirsten*

        Revisionist History just stared their new season! I think two episodes have been dropped so far. It’s my favorite.

    20. NB*

      I love pods! Here are some of my subscriptions:

      Wait, Wait Don’t Tell Me (very funny news quiz)
      Left, Right, and Center (panel discussion of news)
      Planet Money (financial stuff–but fun!)
      Backstory (historians look at a topic through time–usually topics that are in the news)
      99% Invisible (all about design–this is one of the best podcasts out there)
      On the Media (analysis of the news media)
      This American Life (stories)
      Slow Burn (season one: Watergate; season two: Clinton/Lewinsky)
      Criminal (true crime)
      Pop Culture Happy Hour (pop culture, of course)
      The Dropout (downfall of Elizabeth Holmes/Theranos)
      Dirty John (true crime story about a manipulative, abusive man)
      Over My Dead Body (season one: a law professor is murdered in his garage–who dunnit)
      The Shrink Next Door (a psychiatrist takes control of his patient)
      Sawbones (medical doctor and her husband discuss medical history–both silly and informative)
      Hello Internet (two dudes talking–I have no idea why I like this one so much)
      The Moth (true stories told live before an audience without notes)
      Curious City (listeners in Chicago ask questions about the city–reporters find the answers)

    21. Jedi Librarian*

      Small Town Murder and Crime In Sports are both really good! Not for everyone though: they use humor surrounding the crimes which I know is not for everyone.

    22. Elizabeth West*

      I’m just getting into podcasts. I’ve started listening to them on my walk instead of my timed playlist, since I’m actually so used to the walk I know where to speed up and slow down and don’t need the timing anymore.

      So far, I’ve mostly been listening to Gaslit Nation with Sarah Kendzior and Andrea Chalupa (both writers and authoritarian experts) — it’s all about the scary crap going on in US government right now. Also Writers/Blockbusters on Thunder Grunt, a screenwriting podcast where they discuss blockbuster films. I learn something about writing and film every time I listen, plus it’s funny.

      I used to download a bunch of old-time mystery radio shows from this one website but I haven’t been there in ages. I need to get more of those. I think there are some similar channels on Stitcher, which is the app I use to listen on my phone. They make a great distraction when doing yard work and sewing, two things I hate.

    24. tamarack & fireweed*

      I’m a Criminal fan too. And In The Dark (both seasons) is some of the best crime podcasting I’ve seen.

      A slightly more niche recommendation is You’re Wrong About… , which is sometimes about crime, sometimes about scandals/issues that may have unexpected criminal sides, and always about revisiting events in (relatively recent) history and looking at how what we remember them for is not necessarily what actually went down.

    25. Double A*

      The Dream is about multi-level marketing and what a scam it is, but it’s told with great compassion. It’s about 14 episodes, really good!

    26. Formerly Known As*

      My favorite true crime podcasts are True Crime Brewery and Southern Fried True Crime.

  6. Hazy Days*

    Language Learners! What languages are you learning and how are you going about it?

    I’m studying Spanish, working towards greater fluency. I’d like to spend a couple of years living in Spain before the end of my 40s.

    Things I’ve found helpful – joining a conversation group, watching Netflix in Spanish and listening to the News in Slow Spanish podcasts. I’m currently working on my grammar, particularly a big focus on verbs.

    It’s hard to keep motivation sometimes without a concrete goal and time limit. I’ve been working on goal setting and giving myself rewards. I’ve broken it down into a set of competencies around verb tenses, measured by doing the quizzes on a website called conjugamos. When I get 95% on the present tense quiz I’m going to get myself a bunch of flowers for my office.

    What are other people doing?

    1. The Grammarian*

      I also listen to News in Slow Spanish. I try reading everything I can in Spanish. I also practice writing and speaking on a website called italki, which offers instruction in Spanish as well as other languages. ¡Attender español es muy divertido!

      1. The Grammarian*

        Should be “aprender,” but my phone autocorrected :/ I’m excited to hear what others are doing.

      2. Foreign Octopus*

        I actually teach on iTalki (English, not Spanish) and think it’s a pretty good platform for conversational practice. Not so great for beginners but if you’ve covered the basics (A1-A2) then I think it can be really beneficial to use.

        Also, Verbling is another platform that offers the same sort of thing with an easier way to search for teachers if you specifically want a female or a male teacher.

    2. Not multilingual*

      German. But I’ve been trying on and off for so long I wonder if it’s a lost cause at this point. I took a beginners’ class a while back which was helpful, but the more complicated stuff (sentence structure etc.) is just escaping me. I can read some basic stuff but that’s about it.

      I’m starting to wonder if maybe I’m just past the age of being able to learn new languages. *sad

      1. Tiny Soprano*

        A friend of mine recently studied linguistics and says the whole “if you’re not bilingual by 10 you’re stuffed” thing is now considered BS. Which also gives me hope for my own horrendous German skills…

        1. Julia*

          I have a master’s in applied linguistics, and what your friend says is true. While kids pick up language more organically (because what other choice do they have?) and it’s harder for adults to get rid of a native accent (which is mostly muscle memory), if you compare the fluency of a three-year-old native speaker with an adult who studied that same language seriously for three years, the adult tends to win.

        2. Claire*

          German major here, and I would love to practice German with folks here.

          Meanwhile, I need to learn Japanese. We’ve visited twice in the last year, and we really need to know more than “Thank you” and “Yes/No.”

          1. Phoenix from the ashes*

            I’d also love to practice German with people here. I’ve been working through Duolingo and I expect to finish the course in the next 3 months. After that, I have the German version of Harry Potter to read as my reward :).

            I’m looking forward to the Duolingo Latin that’s supposed to be released later this year, but what I really really want to find a good resource for is Farsi. I work with some Iranians, and so far I have learned 3 words – door, mouse, and bugger (lol).

      2. Foreign Octopus*

        No one’s too old to learn languages!

        There’s an amazing woman called Mary Hobson who started learning Russian at 56 and she’s made a later-in life career change so that she uses her language.

        It is slightly more difficult, but only because you’re aware of the challenges. Children are so happily oblivious to making mistakes with languages that it just seems easier for them.

        https://www.theguardian.com/education/2015/mar/18/learning-a-language-in-later-life-are-you-ever-too-old

        1. lasslisa*

          They spend a ton more time on it, too. I think one reason I have usually learned languages pretty fast (compared to classmates) is a tendency to play with it more outside of a class environment – to try and translate my thoughts or idle conversation, to think “how would I say…” or seek out exposure to the language more. Not doing drills and “homework” but just trying to absorb the language into my ordinary way of thinking.

          If you think of a little kid learning to speak, they’re spending hours practicing the sounds and hearing the language spoken, trying to produce it and getting feedback, etc. Adults can grasp grammar and cognates more quickly but usually will not spend as much time trying to figure out what their mouth is supposed to do to create the right sound.

      3. Anon Librarian*

        I’ve been working on my German skills too. I grew up with a bit of it and wanted to expand. I have to say that switching from English to German grammar is hard. The rules are different in ways that are confusing. But I think it must go the other way too. German grammar seems more organized and logical. English must seem like chaos if you’re learning it as a second language.

        Anyway, I realized that German spelling and vocabulary are pretty easy. And that it’s easy to learn enough to communicate. And that if you get the word order wrong, people will probably still understand you.

        The other thing that’s hard for me are all the different accents and dialects. I thought I knew how to pronounce things, but the regional accents are really different from what I know. I’m hoping to make some German friends so I can ask them questions about things like which accent would be the most widely understood and so on.

    3. Kuododi*

      I was fortunate to have been able to study Spanish since back when I was in second grade. I began to study Spanish at such a young age I developed a good ear for the language. It’s been my pleasure to have provided mental health counseling to Spanish speaking immigrants at the various places I have worked throughout my professional life.

      Recently, I discovered a local Meetup group which gets together regularly to improve their verbal skills in Spanish. We have all skill levels represented in group. There are folks who are obviously beginning their Spanish studies. We also have a couple of people who are native fluent and a good representation of ability between the two extremes.

      I’ve additionally taken courses in Japanese, Greek and Hebrew during undergraduate as well as my time in Seminary. Those courses were quite interesting, however I haven’t retained any verbal skills in those languages. Frankly, if I hadn’t been engaged to DH, I never would have passed Hebrew!

    4. Liv*

      Listen to radio and podcasts too. Even if you don’t understand everything. Also read news and other articles, blogs too. See if there is a group for people willing to teach you or speak with you while you teach them something else.
      I learned Finnish in a year but always want to polish my knowledge so in addition to the above I read books in Finnish.

    5. Butter Makes Things Better*

      Pimsleur, but multiple lessons a day, leading up to trips, and then having some non-boilerplate conversational ice breakers memorized (a la “My husband and I are on a belated honeymoon, and will take any food recommendations you can give us”). Totally second the “not bilingual by 10 bs” — I’m not ever going to be close to fluent, but I can get around without English in those cities if I have to and in Rome, where they were delighted to keep speaking Italian instead kf switching to English immediately (cough cough Paris) I was able to crack jokes with the locals.

    6. Foreign Octopus*

      I’m learning Spanish as well as I’ve been living in Spain for nearly four years now, and there’s a constant learning process. It was very difficult when I started, but the only way to improve is by consistent daily practice of the language: listening to podcasts/radio, watching TV shows, speaking to people (if you can), reading, writing.

      I encourage my students (ESL teacher) to set aside at least twenty minutes of their day to do something fun in the language. Not grammar or anything, but something that you enjoy. For me, it’s sitting down to read a few pages of a Spanish book or taking my dog for a walk whilst listening to Ted Español.

      I do recommend having a goal though. Not necessarily a big one as I think they’re quite daunting, but something along the lines of – have a 30-minute conversation in the language (using online teaching platforms), or read a page of a book without having to check the dictionary. Smaller goals are so much more achievable, and it keeps the interest going.

    7. Luisa*

      When I started learning Spanish as an adult (having never previously studied it, although I had studied other languages), I found Duolingo was quite helpful for really basic stuff. It gave me some foundational Tier 1 vocabulary and familiarity with basic grammar, which allowed me to use other resources to expand my learning.

    8. Suisse is strange*

      I’m learning French, and I got my B2 certificate about 2 years ago. I divide my study into “deliberate study” (e.g. school type study, with grammar books and classes) and “fun study” (doing things i would do anyway just in French). Honestly, I don’t think you can escape deliberate study, but it helps to have a goal (such as getting a certificate at a certain level). Now that I have the B2 certificate, I’m mainly focused on fun study, but I might go back to deliberate study if I want to get my C1.

      Things I use (for fun study):
      Podcasts and books are great! Also TV/movies with the closed captioned (i.e. French audio french text). Podcasts I like are the “Journal en francais facile” and “Tribue” by RTS (note that many of the guests aren’t native french speakers). Some people may like “affairs sensibles” but I did not. TV: Fais pas ci fais pas ca with french subtitles was good. I also kept the french subtitles on my netflix even when watching English language shows. For books, it can be a struggle to find things at the right level. I sometimes would listen to the audio book while also following the actual book, although this was something I did as part of my deliberate practice, but was a bit too cumbersome for my fun practice.

      I think the hardest stage of learning a languages is getting through the advanced beginner/intermediate stage (e.g. A1/A2 to B1)–this was where I encountered the most frustration. At the very beginning, being able to say anything in the language was an achievement. Later on, I could actually engage with native speakers, read things I actually found interesting, watch TV I found interesting, use french recipes to cook meals, etc, which meant that it was easier to practice because I could practice while going about my normal daily life. At one point I took a couple of 4 week intensive courses (4 hours a day each morning). This was honestly when I saw the biggest improvement. while I realize that such a course is really hard to fit into people’s lives, I think if you are really interested in learning a language it is something you should try to make a priority.

    9. OperaArt*

      I’m learning Spanish. I recently started using Pimsleur after a recommendation here. It seems to be far more effective for me than Duolingo and Drops.
      I’m watching movies on Netflix with Spanish subtitles turned on.
      Last night was the first time I could understand a small part of a Spanish conversation I overheard in public! I was so happy.

    10. Kate Daniels*

      I am learning Spanish and have checked out some children’s picture books as a fun way to supplement my other learning using workbooks. (I am working on acquiring a reading knowledge for my job.)

    11. Shrunken Hippo*

      I’m learning French and German. I took a year of each in university so I have the basics and I’m using Rocket Languages for the rest. I get to use it for free through my library system so I thought I might as well. It’s an audio language course and it has sections where you record yourself and it’ll let you know which parts you got wrong. I am also getting some of my favourite childhood books in French and German so I can get reacquainted with the written language.

    12. Nicki Name*

      I’m trying to recover my college Japanese since I’ve become a big fan of anime, and I’d like to watch it without subtitles. Right now I’m reading manga written for 10-year-olds with a dictionary handy… got a ways to go.

      1. Anthony Tellier*

        We’ve worked in Berlin and have a house/home in Baja (Mexico). At BMW/Rolls-Royce the language was Brit English. As soon as we try German (or Spanish) they (any locals) want to practice their Englische. BTW, we can get by, altho no philosophical discussions in the native tongue … we can handle menus, stores, road signs: “ALTO!”.

    13. I need coffee before I can make coffee*

      I was thinking of trying “Rosetta Stone” to start learning Spanish, but I don’t see it mentioned here. Anyone have experience with it? Is it any good?

      1. Kuododi*

        When I was on contract to the Army National Guard, Rosetta Stone was the go-to program for soldiers preparing to deploy who needed to acquire language skills promptly.

      2. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

        I’ve done Rosetta Stone Spanish. I liked it and got to simple conversation fluency (now, alas, mostly forgotten). Only caveat I have is that I find it easier to speak than to listen, but I think that might just be me. Or that the people I was talking to in Spanish had pretty strong accents.

    14. YouwantmetodoWHAT?!*

      My daughter & I are learning ASL. She took some classes some years ago, and she is really helping me a LOT!
      Groupon had coupons a few months ago for the International Open Academy, and I’ve always wanted to learn. I’m really enjoying it<3

    15. Lora*

      Trying to acquire as much Malay as possible quickly. Fortunately this is really just memorizing vocabulary – there’s very little structure, which is kinda neat. It’s a trading language, intended to be spoken by people who are using what amounts to pidgin. I travel some to Singapore, where the “Singlish” is really a mix of English and Malay. Just doing YouTube videos at the moment but just got another assignment that will have me traveling again frequently, so I think it’s worth trying to learn more. Am carefully noting all the recommendations here…I can definitely get by in Singapore without it, but it’s exactly that – just getting by. I don’t like to just get by somewhere I’m going to be frequently and I need to have a better professional and personal relationship with colleagues if I want to be successful.

      Already speak many other European languages, and I sorta figured this would be an easier intro to Asian language than the semi-immersion I get in Mandarin and Hindi at work. I did the Hindi Rosetta Stone and it was not super helpful to be able to talk about three red fish or whatever. I got the structure out of it, but not the practical use.

    16. Kirsten*

      Duolingo has a good Spanish podcast for intermediate speakers that I really enjoy. Interesting true stories, the host chimes in in English so it’s easy to follow along even if you don’t understand a part.

      1. ..Kat..*

        The cool thing about listening to Spanish podcasts is that I can play them at half speed! This helps me really hear what is being said. Then I can play again on full speed.

    17. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      Very timely! I studied Spanish on and off most of my life, starting in high school. I never really advanced much beyond intermediate but I recently went on a short trip to Mexico and I was very surprised at how much I was able to remember. I bought city bus tickets for a group of 6, complained about a service and got an apology I understood, and chatted to people in various places without having to switch to English. I even got complimented on my Spanish by a few people! This has made me think that actually I’m not a lost cause and I should renew my efforts to study it. In the past I’ve taken classes locally but I haven’t had the money or regular enough schedule for that lately.

      I want to branch out and learn French. I did a little bit of study before a trip earlier this year but I had the problem of not being able to understand the answers when I asked a question. Half my family lives in France, though, so it would definitely be a useful skill to acquire.

    18. Aspiring Francophone*

      Check out the podcast “Coffee Break Spanish”! I’ve been learning French for four years and their French version was super helpful to me in the first few years through my intermediate stage. They’re based in Europe so they teach Spain-Spanish which was hard for me to adapt to being from the US west coast, but since you’re hoping to spend a few years in Spain it sounds like it could be a good fit for you!
      The podcast starts from extreme basics in Season 1 and continues from there. Anything you’d download off of iTunes, for example, is free, and then their website has more content for sale as you’d like.
      Buena suerte !

    19. Blue_eyes*

      I learned Spanish in college (and majored in it) and I am currently learning Hebrew (3 years of classes so far). I think having a conversation group or class to keep you accountable is super helpful. An important part of mastering a language is speaking the language with native or near-native speakers.

      My Spanish is very good, but I still have some trouble understanding people on TV sometimes. I like to watch Netflix in Spanish with the Spanish subtitles on. That way, I’m not leaning on English text to understand, but having the Spanish text there supports my listening comprehension.

      I like Duolingo for drilling vocabulary and verb conjugations. Sometimes the order it teaches you the language features in is a little strange, but it’s a pretty solid platform.

  7. The Grammarian*

    I’m at an airport waiting to board a plane and someone near me is snorting every few seconds. I’m hoping I won’t be seated near him on the plane. I know it’s rude to offer a stranger a tissue and strongly suggest he blow his nose, but I really want to, haha. Have you all dealt with such a situation?

    1. lalala*

      I’m always in wonder that it doesn’t bother /them/ as much as it’d bother anyone else! How uncomfortable must it be? It’d probably be a bit rude (or at least patronising) to tell him to blow his nose, but I don’t think offering a tissue would be crossing the line.

      1. Lcsa99*

        I am sure it does bother them. I know my husband is susceptible to sinus infections and he tends to get them if he blows his nose too frequently (or even as frequently as the average person) so as annoying as it is, there might be a reason he isn’t blowing it.

        1. Anastasia Beaverhousen*

          And if the reason is ‘doesn’t have a tissue, too tired to go get one’ then he might welcome the offer of a tissue. Or ten.

    2. Liv*

      3 weeks ago I had a really bad cold while travelling. I really tried hard not too cough every 2 seconds. My abs were hurting. I felt bad about the fellow passengers. I was seated by the window and directed my coughing on my elbow on that side.

      1. I hate the offseason.*

        That is me. My nose isn’t running, my sinuses are (constantly) congresses and dripping down the back of my throat or plugging up my ears). Flying is a trigger, too. The change in pressure can really cause crud to move. A tissue would do nothing. Even rinsing my sinuses dislodges practically nothing.

      2. Teal*

        Yep. Blowing my nose usually does nothing to stop the sniffing. It’s just another loud noise added to the sniffing.

    5. The Gollux, Not a Mere Device*

      From the other side: A few months ago, a doctor was assuring me I was well enough to travel because my lingering cough wasn’t from anything infectious.

      I decided that even if I was well enough to enjoy traveling, I couldn’t do that to a busful of strangers: six hours of worrying that my cough was going to make them sick.

      That said, this was the sort of pleasure trip that could be rescheduled: I wasn’t going to a business meeting, nor yet a wedding, just to spend a weekend with family.

    6. nonegiven*

      From the inside! I can blow and blow and blow and nothing comes out. If I could blow it out I would. It keeps dripping down my throat and no doctor has ever helped.

  8. wha...?*

    Anyone thrown for a loop with the Dalai Lama comments?

    I mean, I’ve never given any thought to what his views on women are, but this was…not what I would’ve expected.

    3. Miss Astoria Platenclear*

      First I’ve heard about his comments – thanks.
      Count me as surprised, too.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      I expected better of him. I can’t believe he said something that showed so little thinking and awareness.
      Sad, but in one statement he lost the respect of millions of people. You’d think he be watching what is happening with the Popes over the years and learn from that.

    5. Rebecca*

      I just looked this up. I’m not going to type out what I’m thinking, but wow, that was not what I would have expected, I think I would have expected something about having deep faith or something along those lines, not looks.

    6. Ethyl*

      I seem to recall him not having said some other questionable things in the past so I’m not actually that surprised. I mean, Buddhism is only *comparatively* progressive, y’know?

    7. misspiggy*

      I read the comments as his attempt at glib humour in the face of an impossible question. Buddhism, as I understand it, tends to put women one rung down the spiritual ladder from men, so a reincarnation of the Dalai Lama into female form would be considered extremely unlikely. Hence, perhaps, the idea that a female reincarnation would have to be utter perfection to succeed a male incarnation.
      He knows that view wouldn’t go down well with a Western journalist, so what can he do but joke about it?

      1. alex b.*

        “Teehee a woman who wants respect should wear makeup.” C’mon. No.
        Like above commenters, I was disappointed. I love how he exudes joy, but prejudice isn’t pleasurable.

        1. Miss Astoria Platenclear*

          Yes. IMO, a spiritual leader, man or woman, is more credible with a modest appearance. I like wearing makeup, but if I were taking religious vows, I would expect to sacrifice some pleasures like makeup.

      2. DerJungerLudendorff*

        Possibly, but it also means he’s perpetuating and supporting those ideas instead of trying to combat them. And as a very powerful and popular individual, that’s not good.

      3. Teal*

        I don’t think so. He’s from India – which I believe buys into the idea of “feminine mystique” to a religious level. It’s perfectly in keeping with that. A man wields power/respect through physical strength and hard work. A woman wields through influence due to beauty and purity.

        1. Kay*

          He’s from Tibet! When China occupied Tibet, India gave him political asylum and he now lives in India.

    8. NforKnowledge*

      He also thinks migrants to Europe should be sent back to their own countries so…. any lingering respect I had for the guy is gone

    9. Lilysparrow*

      The man was born in 1935 in a culture with very traditional ideas about gender roles. And he is the world’s most devout practitioner of a religion whose official doctrine specifies that women are beneath men.

      It’s not the least bit surprising that he has outdated ideas about women. It would be astonishing if he didn’t.

      I’m very surprised he entertained the idea of a female incarnation at all, and didn’t just flatly say “that can’t happen.”

      It’s not Dr Who.

      1. blackcat*

        Yep.
        Would anyone be surprised if the Pope offered a really dismissive comment if someone asked if the next Pope could be a woman?

      2. Nacho*

        Religions can, and should, quietly ignore the less appropriate parts of their dogma. That’s why most people ignore the parts of Christianity that require stoning people to death, despite the fact that God never officially told us to stop doing it.

        1. Zanzibar Buck-Buck McFate*

          …yes, He did? Like He literally became a man and literally told us not to stone people.

          2. Ethyl*

            Uhhh well, it depends who you ask, now, doesn’t it?

            I feel strongly though that this is a conversation that Alison maybe isn’t gonna wanna moderate this weekend….or ever….

    10. Anoncorporate*

      I’m not surprised, but that’s because never put a lot of stock in religious leaders, aka narcissistic males who get off having a bunch of followers worship everything they say.

      2. Traffic_Spiral*

        Yup. I mean, the Chinese government are jerks, yes, but the Tibetan religious establishment is not the enlightened group of kumbaya-singers and Om that hippie westerners like to imagine them as. It’s a very old former-theocracy, and it’s done all the same bad shit that all our other religions did when they had that sort of authority.

        1. Anoncorporate*

          Yeah Americans project fairy-tale, light side v. dark side narratives onto what are very nuanced political issues.

    11. Elizabeth West*

      I was disappointed, but I don’t expect perfection from human beings. I grew up Catholic and we were taught to see the Pope as infallible. I kept it secret for a very long time that I never believed that. I still think the Dalai Lama is a good person. Perhaps his successor will be a bit more enlightened.

      The Buddha himself said to question everything and not just take whatever he said as absolute truth, and that fits really well with my philosophy. I take what I can and leave the rest, the same way I handled Catholicism before I left the church.

      1. EOA*

        Catholics aren’t taught that the Pope is infallible in everything he says. The Pope is only infallible (ostensibly) when he’s speaking ex cathedra, essentially when he’s establishing a Church doctrine. Papal infallibility has only been invoked a few times.

        I grant you that the Church isn’t always clear what papal infallibility means, but it definitely doesn’t mean that one can never question what the Pope says.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          Over time, I found many of those doctrines objectionable. Many Catholics I grew up with interpreted infallibility to mean that in addition to the Church’s teachings, the Pope himself was not to be contradicted, ever. I even believed it for a while myself. Ugh.

    12. Lora*

      After having spent some time in countries with a significant Buddhist population…yeah, I am not as surprised as I would have been ten years ago. I think the Western idea of Buddhism is VERY different from Buddhism as it is practiced and understood in China, Tibet and India. In the West we are kinda sold a bill of goods. It’s not AS nasty and retrograde as the more backwards forms of Christianity (think snake handling fundamentalists who think all women should be barefoot/pregnant because Jeebus) but it’s still not awesome.

      When I came back from China and exclaimed to my Chinese Buddhist friends about the Ten Courts of Hell being exactly like The Inferno, they were all, “oh yeah…you didn’t know?” So,uh, I think we Westerners suffer from the popular notion of Buddhism being this peaceful John Lennon deal, which is definitely wrong on many levels.

      1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

        Yes, this. I don’t know that much about it but I do know that Buddhist terrorism and violence exists. This is a thing that I think many westerners don’t know.

  9. Kuododi*

    Well, the breast biopsy was yesterday. Between DH and my Chopin playlist, I was able to get through without any drama. Now it’s down to the waiting. I should have answers to this part of the question within 3-4 business days. I’m meeting with the lung surgeon the second week in July. We will discuss my current medical situation and his recommendation for dealing with the spot in my lung. Realistically, I am probably looking at a surgical biopsy in the near future. (Oh yipee!!!). :(

    Thanks so much for to everyone for the ongoing good wishes, thoughts and prayers. They have been a source of strength during these recent days. You all are in my heart. Blessings!!!

    4. Not So NewReader*

      One day at a time and one step at a time, that is the best anyone can do with stuff like this.
      I am hopeful because they are not rushing you around. If they thought it was a severe problem I think they would be going at a faster pace.
      If the weather is getting hot by you, I hope you load up on water. It’s amazing, such a simple thing yet hydration can help with so many things. Steady hydration can even help keep our brains working sharper, which is very helpful in stressful times.

      You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

    5. Rebecca*

      Continued best wishes – this is the hard part, it was for me, too, waiting for the biopsy results (twice now!!). One day at at time.

    7. Quandong*

      Thinking of you in this next waiting time. I’m glad you have an appointment with the lung surgeon soon and am sending more good wishes your way. And internet hugs, if you’d like them.

    9. fposte*

      Fingers crossed for you. I had a relative with the lung surgery a year ago, and she’s doing great.

    11. NoLongerYoung*

      Sending a gentle hug. Waiting is difficult. In addition to taking extra special care of your physical and emotional health, consider channelling any anxious thoughts. Write them down quickly, (what if, for me), then the step you’d take. Then walk away, as you can tell brain it’s “on the list” and thus addressed…for me, I then pick a distracting activity and shift, reminding self “I have a plan if I need to take that action, I am as prepared as possible…” I also remind myself that I am brave and stronger than I credit myself for, that I’ve handled (other events) and remind brain of my support network and those who are standing alongside me. Sometimes I clean a closet, sometimes I take the dog for a walk, but I give myself the ability to download, reframe, and then I don’t sit. (Personally, I cry when I need to but …not good with describing this…given my depression I try to pour in the positive actions until I need the healing tears).

  10. Question*

    Question about getting Microsoft Office (for a Mac): is it better to buy the package or go for the subscription? Apparently if you buy it you can’t transfer it to a new computer in the future. The purchase price is about the same as a two-year subscription, but the subscription also comes with online storage and Skype (60mins per month I think).

    My last laptop was stolen and I didn’t back up all my files, so the online storage and the ability to transfer Office to another computer is quite appealing. On the other hand I don’t know whether an on-going subscription would be good value?

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I opted for subscription so I could use it on multiple devices. Is that something that may become relevant in the future, if it isn’t now?

    2. greenthumb*

      I’ve had both and much prefer owning the software outright. As you note, the subscription comes with some extra goodies; however, I found installation to be kludgier with the subscription. Additionally the membership interface proved problematic, and the “ your subscription is ending” messages got irritating. (I’d gotten a subscription on sale, as an experiment, and ran it on one of my boxes while keeping my owned Office suite on another box so I could see what the differences were.).

      By contrast, owning the software outright has brought on no real surprises. I actually (legally) transferred my purchased copy from one Mac to another with no issue when I replaced that computer about a year ago. The key there was to uninstall it thoroughly and restart that computer a couple times before installing it on the replacement computer.

      1. Thankful for AAM*

        I have the subscription and did not have any of those issues. It was easier to install than the purchased version, or the same and I dont get irritating reminders.

    4. Anastasia Beaverhousen*

      If you’re not required to use Microsoft for some reason, consider Linux – many people are intimidated by Linux, but it has pretty much every Microsoft program duplicated and can be very user-friendly if you want it to be, while also giving you WAY more control. It also does not spy on you, and is far less likely to be infected with a virus. And, y’know – free.

    5. Kimmybear*

      Does the subscription come with OneDrive (Microsoft’s cloud-based storage)? If you are concerned about losing files, that may make the subscription more attractive.

    6. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Hmmm, I purchased and I’ve been able to transfer it from one computer to another with no problems. Once I forgot to deactivate it my old computer before getting rid of it, and it wouldn’t let me install it on the new one because it thought it was still active somewhere else — but I just called them and they fixed it for me.

    7. Short Time Lurker Komo*

      If having a backup of your files is the stronger appeal to you for subscription Office, you migut consider a backup tool like Carbonite – backs up to the cloud, backs up MORE things probably (all the types of files), and can have the timing controlled. You can also consider Dropbox.

      My work has a Microsoft discount store as part of their benefits with Microsoft, so I picked up 2016 for like $10, so I own the software outright. We have the subscription version at work. If you don’t log in periodically, it can get a bit whiny, and when the company was renewing the subscription, it got mildly cranky with people (enough so they sent out a notice about ignoring the cranky). If your job is a bigger company, might see if they have a Microsoft store too!

    8. Claire*

      I opted to buy the package. I use the free version of Dropbox for off-site backup, and I have a backup hard drive using Time Machine for automatic local backup. (Those hard drives are SO CHEAP these days.)

  11. Lena Clare*

    I’ve just discovered season 5 of Schitts Creek on Netflix so there goes my weekend!
    I don’t mind though :)

    I’ve just finished Dark. What did you think of it? I enjoyed the first series but felt it got a bit too complicated in season 2. I probably won’t watch the next one.

    What are you watching at the minute?

    Do you have any good comedy recommendations?

    1. Liv*

      I finished Dead to me. It has fun parts but it is not comedy only. I liked it. I will watch season 2.

      1. Toaster strudel heiress*

        I couldn’t get into that at all!

        I just finished Killing Eve series 2 and I’m really disappointed and annoyed – it wasn’t a patch on series 1.

        1. Lena Clare*

          I haven’t watched this yet and I don’t know if I’m going to. Phoebe Waller- Bridge, who wrote series 1, didn’t write series 2 :/

            1. Ron McDon*

              Yes, couldn’t agree more. I binge-watched the first series, excitedly started watching the second and was very disappointed.

              Apparently P W-B is coming back to write series 3, so fingers crossed…

    2. Zephy*

      Good Omens is a delightful piece of television, if you have access to Amazon Prime. It’s just six episodes (~6 hours), so watching it all in one sitting barely even qualifies as a binge, haha. The fan community is also delightful, from what I can tell – at the very least, the Instagram-based fandom is doing a great job of curating content from the Tumblr-based fandom. I really need to get my hands on a copy of the book.

      1. Ra94*

        And Michael Sheen keeps retweeting fan art to the point where he’s basically a fan account of his own show, which is really adorable. 10/10 wholesome.

      2. Toaster strudel heiress*

        It’s on Libby/Overdrive if you have access to that? Although there’s a long wait for it!

      3. Lena Clare*

        Oops I’m a TV addict it seems! I got a free trial of Amazon Prime and watched Good Omens – I LOVED it!

        I also follow Michael Sheen on Twitter and have seen the fan art he keeps retweeting, it’s very cute.

        I just really liked the relationship between Crowley and Aziraphale:). Plus I loved that Aziraphale was a complete foodie.

    3. JenRN*

      Oh Schitt’s Creek! You will love it so much. “Meet the Parents” is my fave episode of the entire series. And the cover song sung (won’t spoil) is on my daily playlist. >Moira voice< Enjoy bebe!

      1. Lena Clare*

        That woman is the best character in a a show, ever. She’s just hilarious! But they’re all very sweet characters, and I love David and Patrick’s relationship too.

    4. PX*

      What we do in the shadows (FX) and if you’re feeling really keen – check out the movie it’s based on.

      1. Lena Clare*

        Oh my goodness, I have seen this series too haha! (Energy vampire, Colin lol)

        It’s fab isn’t it? But I didn’t know it was based on a film, so I will look for that and watch that next weekend, thank you!

    5. Jen RO*

      I loved Dark season 2! But I rewatched season 1 just before starting season 2 and it was a terrific idea as I had forgotten almost everything.

    6. Elizabeth West*

      I LOVE DARK SO MUCH AAHHHH! My German friend said, “Oh, German shows aren’t any good” (she watches mostly U.S. and British stuff). Well this one is. :)

      I had much less trouble following Season 2. And that cliffhanger, gah. How will I ever make it to the last season?!?!

      PopTV has Schitt’s Creek so I might watch that. They just picked up One Day at a Time, after Netflix stupidly dumped it so they could purchase more time for old, tired Friends reruns. Grrr. Right now, I’m getting ready for Stranger Things Season 3 and the final season of Orange is the New Black, both coming in July. I need money so I can purchase Good Omens; I really want to see that although I haven’t read any of it.

      1. Lena Clare*

        Did you watch Dark in the original German with English subtitles?
        I don’t know why but when I watch a foreign drama which is dubbed (Netflix sets it to be dubbed automatically grr) it just doesn’t seem right!

        1. Elizabeth West*

          Yes, because the English dub was HORRIBLE. I tell everyone to watch it in German.

    8. Bluebell*

      For something very different, I really enjoyed Ramy on Hulu. Not side splittingly funny, but an interesting look at a Muslim family and the main character struggles with his faith. And two of the ten episodes focus on his sister and his mother. On Netflix, I enjoyed Kim’s Convenience. A Canadian show about a Korean immigrant family.

    9. nuttysaladtree*

      I’m not caught up (but don’t mind spoilers, though others might) on The Good Place.

    10. Blue_eyes*

      “I Think You Should Leave” is a really funny sketch comedy show on Netflix. My husband was howling through the whole series.

    11. Double A*

      If you don’t mind campy fire and swearing, “Santa Clarita Diet” is for my money one of the funniest most original shows I’ve seen in ages. I started watching it, realized my husband needed to see it too, so I rewatched most of season 1 with him and I’m like…jonesing to rewatch it even though we only finished it about a month ago. If you like the first episode, you’ll like the whole show, and if you don’t like it, then I wouldn’t recommend continuing.

      If you like the classic sitcom style, the remake of “one day at a time” is super good. Just sweet and good hearted but it deals with serious issues in a thoughtful way.

      If you like absurd British humor, there’s The IT Crowd.

      All of these are on Netflix.

      1. MCL*

        I had a friend who couldn’t get into Schitt’s Creek (which I love), so we tried Santa Clarita Diet. I had seen it and liked it a lot , and it’s a different sort of comedy. She LOVED Santa Clarita.

    12. Mike C.*

      The Thick of It is on Amazon Prime. This was Armando Inanucci’s first major work, to be followed by others like “In the Loop” and Veep.

  12. Gemma I*

    What’s a good, portable item to have for self defence purposes? (I’m in the U.K. so firearms aren’t an option.)

    1. Lucy*

      I’m mildly confused by the question. In (at least) England and Wales it is illegal to carry an “offensive weapon” around with you, which appears to have to do with intent and IANAL.

      Self-defence instructors often recommend keeping a good solid bunch of keys within easy reach where dangerous situations can’t be avoided. A good ear-piercing rape alarm may also be useful.

      Can you elaborate on the kind of situation in which you wish to feel able to defend yourself? It may be that a course of self defence classes would actually meet your needs.

    2. anon24*

      I don’t know what the laws in the UK are, but I have carried pepper spray before and recommend that if it’s an option. Currently I carry a small stun gun. It’s tiny, fits in my pocket, and has a flashlight attached so it’s not just for self defense. Some people might not like it because it is a close up weapon (it’s not a taser, you have to jab the person with it) but I like it because if you get that close to me there’s no mistaking your intentions and it’s unlikely to cause permanent damage. I only paid about $40 for mine but I don’t know if they are legal in the UK, I know they aren’t legal in some places in the US.

    3. DrTheLiz*

      Pepper spray is illegal in the UK, as is pretty much anything you’d think of as a “weapon”. – no knives, no tazers, no brass knuckles. Roll of coins will increase what you’re charged with for hitting somebody but isn’t outright illegal to carry? I grew up in the UK and was never assaulted or threatened there, for what that’s worth.

    4. Bagpuss*

      pepper spray, mace etc are illegal.
      However, anything like hairspray or deoderant would be off putting if sprayed at near someone’s eyes if they attacked you.
      Is there a specific reason why you feel you need to carry something?

      1. Bagpuss*

        Just to add, I’m not saying you shouldn’t / don’t need to carry anything, but the specifics of why you want something might make difference to what would help or make you feel safer – for instance, would a ‘rape alarm’ that makes a LOT of noise when triggered be appropriate, or are you worried about situations where that wouldn’t be useful as there would be unlikely to be anyone around to hear / react to it

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        These.

        The thing with weapons, or weaponized bystanding objects (hairspray, a walking stick) is that they can all be taken and used against you.

        Anecdatum: Guy had to walk home late at night through a sketchy neighborhood. Got a gun permit and gun. Realized that his mindset had shifted from “How can I avoid a dangerous situation?” to “How can I get the gun out in time, and use it in time, but not have accidentally shot someone who was trying to ask me for directions and had a cell phone in their hand?” He decided he’d been a lot safer in the first mindset, and stopped carrying the gun.

    8. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      I would think a whistle would be a good option. Might scare someone off without being illegal.

    9. misspiggy*

      I’ve always carried my key sticking out between my knuckles if I’m somewhere unsafe. Carrying a specific weapon or pacifying device is usually frowned on by police.

      But in most places in the UK, stranger violence is very rare outside of pub/nightclub fights. Having good knowledge of local maps and terrain is important, so that you don’t unwittingly take a dead end path or stray into a lonely area. Stay on exposed paths in parks, don’t go into wooded areas at night.

      I’d say working on situational awareness, checking online comments on venues, and working on physical assertiveness is all you need. That is, unless you’re living or working in a very troubled locality and are seen as interfering with what might be going on.

      1. Wishing You Well*

        I’ve read recently that the old “keys between the knuckles” is ineffective. The keys just wobble out of the way when you strike. There are more effective ways to hold your keys for defense (probably demonstrated online).
        It sounds like the UK is a safer place to live than where I am. Wish I were there!

    10. Even Steven*

      If any kinds of weapons are not permitted, I would suggest at very least, a whistle attached to your key chain. It can attract attention and at least garner witnesses who may also jump in and help. Or if you are worried it would take too much time & be too obvious to blow into it, a ‘pocket screamer’ alarm that you can activate with one hand in a pocket, and that emits high-decibel racket, can do the same thing.

      Be safe & good luck!

    11. Invisible Fish*

      I read folks’ responses just to see if I was as clueless in this area as I think I am … yes, I am. I’m in Texas, where brass knuckles are kind of legal, so I’m captivated by the idea of a completely different mindset. (I’m not pro weapon of any sort! Just looking at how others approach personal safety based on culture.)

      1. Rebecca*

        Yes, the cultural thing is fascinating to me!! Rural PA woman here – I was out alone in the state forest near my house, I had long hiking stick, to poke around for snakes if needed…a handgun (I have a conceal carry permit, background check, etc. and have been handling firearms since I was in grade school and have hunted and killed deer), a fixed blade knife for making kindling, and have been looking into buying bear spray. My biggest safety concern where I live and hike is black bears with cubs, followed by venomous snakes, not so much people. In my area, it’s totally normal to assume people are armed when they’re out in the woods alone, not unusual to see long guns on racks in a pickup truck during hunting season, or someone walking from point A to point B along a road carrying a rifle. We don’t even look twice. The same thing in another area would prompt a SWAT response post haste.

        1. Lilysparrow*

          I think the presence of wildlife that can kill you has a strong correlation to cultural attitudes on weapons.

          1. Lissa*

            Yeah, it’s much more likely to actually be useful against wildlife vs. a person with bad intent – the cougar or snake is not likely to be able to take your weapon from you and use it on you! (not to say that it can never be effective against a person like that but most of what I’ve read says it tends not to be, statistically, a great idea.)

    12. Brunch with Sylvia*

      I carry a 5oz can of wasp spray. It shoots a hard stream 20 feet away. Forestry-suppliersdotcom

    13. Ranon*

      A brain and situational awareness for starters, friends, self-defense training if it adds reassurance.

      Any “weapon” you might carry can be pretty easily taken away from you if you don’t know how to use it, and by “know how to use it” I mean have enough training that you know how your body is going to react in a fight/flight/freeze situation and you have practice getting through those instincts. Usually takes more than a one day class for most people.

      1. Falling Diphthong*

        Echoing Ranon here and PX below–for the weapon to be effective you have to have enough training that under pressure, you will draw it in time and use it correctly. (TV irritates me with all the guns held on people from 2 feet away. No one actually training people to use a gun says “first walk over until you are within arm’s reach of your target.”)

    14. Just trying...*

      I have a flashlight. It is about a foot long and made out of aluminum, thin and long. It also has a handle and it strobes when needed. If anyone asks, it is a flash light.

      My hubby gave it to me when I was pregnant. I live in a rural area with no sidewalks, lots of forest, aggressive deer, and people walking or having uncontained/unleashed dogs. I never had to us it, but it was handy to have. Plus it was black so it blended into my black stroller. Now it lives in our car.

      We do have a proper aluminum baseball bat by our front door as a while back we had a midgrant camp move into one of our nearby parks. People complained about lots of theft and vandalism surrounding the camp at previous locations. It leftpur area without much fanfare as there is only a little corner store near us and a farm to table restaurant. There is not much action when you are surrounded by small farms and most non farm people have 1/2 acre lots.

    15. CatCat*

      There are these small sticks you can get on a keychain (Kubaton) that a self-defense class I went to recommended. You can use it to jab hard at the knuckles and the eyes. They demo’d with a teen girl being picked up by a large man and she did the jabbing motion at his knuckles. It would have forced him to let go if the stick had been in her hands.

    16. PX*

      What Not So New Reader said is also what I would recommend. As others have said, being in the UK means most things are not an option.

      I would start by asking why your first instinct is to carry something. I started doing krav maga a year ago more for fitness than self defence, but there are a lot of very important lessons in there which go: unless you are serious and competent with whatever item you have, the chances of an attacker overpowering you and using it against you are high, and it’s likely to end up worse for you. In addition – if the police find you with anything should the situation arise, it’s not going to reflect well on you.

      If you’re really worried about crime/violence, I would suggest krav maga is a good martial art to take up. Otherwise I’ve also picked up some useful tips from a generic self defense course I took once years ago. Or the suggestions of a noise making device might also add some reassurance.

    17. Jemima Bond*

      Someone said, self defence classes and a rape alarm. This is good advice. Stay away from weapons or things to be used as weapons; you may get into a world of trouble.
      Stuff like pepper spray, knuckledusters, knives without legit reason, batons, the list goes on, are classed as offensive weapons and may not be carried.
      Some law:
      “An offensive weapon is defined in this section as “any article made or adapted for use for causing injury to the person, or intended by the person having it with him for such use by him or by some other person”
      Importantly considering the car keys discussion:
      “items not made or adapted, but merely intended to be used as an offensive weapon even if they have some other legitimate use e.g. car keys held between the knuckles or a cup of bleach which is intended to be thrown in someone’s face”

      I am not a lawyer – this is from the Wikipedia page on U.K. law around offensive weapons but the sources are cited and you could look them up – Prevention of Crime Act 1953 and a court of appeals case R v Simpson 1983.

      Another thing mentioned (as illegal) is
      And another fascinating fact for Invisible Fish – in the U.K. there are offensive weapons you may not have even in private, in your own home, and one of them is brass knuckles…and “(c)the weapon sometimes known as a “handclaw”, being a band of metal or other hard material from which a number of sharp spikes protrude, and worn around the hand;[16]” so I’d lay bets the TigerLady claw thing mentioned upthread wouldn’t be legal to own here either.

    18. ..Kat..*

      If you are using any kind of spray (pepper spray, hair spray, etc), please remember to be upwind of your attacker.

      Scream alarms are better than whistles – sometimes it can be hard to get a good breath in – which you need for a good, loud, long whistle.

    19. Nana*

      If screaming, shout “FIRE” People will ignore shouts for help and/or random screaming, but no one will ignore “fire” — it might be my property, or it might be something fun to watch, or…

    20. SarahKay*

      I have a “Don’t” rather than a “Do”, which is Don’t wear your scarf in the fashionable way where it’s folded in half, wrapped round your neck, and the loose ends poked through the doubled over end.
      You’re basically creating a noose around your own neck; if someone gets hold of the ends you cannot unwrap the scarf and struggling just makes you more strangled.
      If you’re not sure what I mean try googling “Sherlock scarf” – Benedict Cumberbatch as Sherlock wore his scarf that way all the time, much to my irritation, since it’s such a bad example to set.

    21. nonegiven*

      Take a martial arts class. They can show you how to use a normal thing anyone might carry into a weapon.

      1. jolene*

        Travel size spray deodorant, kept in your pocket. Check it regularly to make sure it doesn’t block. Get one with the strongest smell possible. It’ll be nastiest in the eyes.

  13. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

    I made butter! From scratch! On purpose! And it tasted like really good butter!!

    I am going to see friends I don’t see enough this morning – anyone else and I would have passed on the invitation, I’m leaving on vacation Wednesday morning and have too much to do – so last night I made soda bread (using the buttermilk from my homemade butter!) and flavored the butter. I have garlic chive, honey cinnamon, and spiced rum. Plus some of the jam I made last weekend. I ended up running the canning pot on a big propane burner out back, I think it was originally the base to a turkey fryer that the previous home owner left in the shed. Worked a treat. :)

    I’m kind of ridiculously excited about it though. A quart of cream gave me 16oz of buttermilk and about 12.5oz of unsalted butter, for the same price I would have spent on either one alone plus about 12 minutes of watching the mixer and 3 minutes of rinsing and squeezing.

    2. WonderingHowIGotIntoThis*

      That’s so cool! I loved that I can feel your excitement and enthusiasm from that first line!
      I kinda want to make my own butter now too!

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        That’s how I came to try – a friend of mine was like “OMG WE MADE BUTTER!” And I went “OMG I WANT TO TRY THAT!” She did hers in a little churn attachment on a mason jar, I just used my stand mixer, which made it as easy as “make whipped cream, then keep going.” The whipped cream breaks, when it gets over whipped, and separates into butter globules and the buttermilk. You know it’s done when it starts splashing again :) pour off the buttermilk, then rinse the butter very well in cold water and squeeze it together (I used gloved hands, but bare hands, spatula, whatever) and squeeze as much extra water out of it as you can. At that point, it’s ready to eat unsalted butter, and you can salt it or flavor it or slather it on whatever as-is :) supposed to keep for 3-4 weeks, I believe?

        1. Mirve*

          I first made butter by necessity back in the late 70s. Cream was readily available in the store, but not butter. Had to use a whisk, but still took maybe 20-30 minutes? Rolled the whisk back and forth between my hands which was less tiring than a standard whisking motion.

        2. Babycarrot*

          That’s awesome! My husband is interested in making cheese. I’ll try to make butter as well. Thanks for sharing how you made it!

          1. Ethyl*

            I have made cheese! There’s a lot of cheesemaking supply companies out there and lots of them offer like, an intro kit. One thing to know, though, is for making rennet cheeses, you’ll need unhomogenized milk. It doesn’t work right with homogenized milk, which is annoying.

          2. Aspiring Chicken Lady*

            Making ricotta is easy at home. Takes so little time, and very forgiving. Warm 1-2 quarts milk to 180-200 F, pour in about 1/4 – 1/3 cup of acid like a white vinegar or lemon juice, let it sit and do scary congealing things, scoop the solids into a strainer lined with muslin or a thin dish towel (not the fuzzy kind… oh, the clean up!). Let the whey drain, squeeze if you like. I like it pretty dry so i can add herbs and sea salt and put on good crackers or bread.
            Small quantities of whey can go into compost or to kill weeds (!), but i like freezing it in thin flat slabs which i break up and use in creamy soups or mashed potatoes. Lots of protein in there!

          3. Ethyl*

            I was inspired by this thread so I got some fancy organic unhomogenized milk at the farmer’s market and I’m currently making cheese!

                1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

                  I think fresh cheese just does that? Cheese curds “squeak” too.

                2. Ethyl*

                  True but fresh mozz from like, the fancy cheese place doesn’t squeak like this. Idk I’m sure it’s fine. My pizza tomorrow will be the test! If it lasts that long, lol…..

        4. PhyllisB*

          When my children were young, they did a thing around Thanksgiving about foods the Pilgrims ate, and they demoed making butter. The way they did it was putting heavy cream in a jar and shaking the fool out of it. Takes a bit of time, but does make real butter!! After that, we made butter every Thanksgiving until they were in high school.Only problem with doing it this way is you don’t really get any buttermilk. Need to show this to the grands; they might enjoy it.

            1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

              We did this at least once in my Campfire group as a kid. Great activity for around 5-10 kids to work on in turns since they have a lot of energy to burn off.

    3. Thankful for AAM*

      My son’s preschool used to put a little milk in a small jar and the whole class would take turns shaking it till they made butter! It was the most exciting thing and they would have it with snack.

      1. Marmaduke*

        My aunt’s second grade class does this every year as part of their Thanksgiving celebration. They make the butter the day before as a science lesson, so that anybody whose butter didn’t work out right can have a second try the next morning, and at lunch they each get their very own handmade butter on their roll.

    4. Lcsa99*

      That is so awesome! It’s been on my list of things to try making but somehow it never happens.

    5. Aspiring Chicken Lady*

      I’ve got two quarts of yogurt fermenting away on my counter.
      Butter sounds a delicious treat! Must go source some good cream!

    6. Zephy*

      I’ve had a stand mixer for almost a year and I haven’t ever thought to use it to make butter. You’re an inspiration.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I’ve had mine since 2007 and this week was the first time! Never too late.

    7. SpellingBee*

      I love making butter too – it’s like magic! Butter freezes really well, so if you don’t think you’ll use it up fast enough just roll it up in parchment paper, put it in a ziplock bag and chuck it in the freezer. Just FYI, the buttermilk left over is sweet buttermilk, not sour (unless you started with cultured cream), so it may not react quite the same way in a recipe as buttermilk you buy in the store.

      For canning and jam making I use a big 2-burner propane camp stove – not only does it keep the house cooler because I’m doing it outside, it also gets the canning kettle up to speed super fast with its rocket engine burners.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Ooh, good to know about the buttermilk, I didn’t even think about that. The soda bread got inhaled so fast I didn’t even get any, which suggests that it was at least successful there, hah! :)

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I checked with my husband, who has had soda bread made using the same recipe with both the store-bought buttermilk and the homemade, and he said that he actually liked it better with the homemade :) Victory!

    8. Not A Manager*

      Please tell me about rinsing and squeezing. I used to make butter out of cultured goat’s milk. It was delicious, but I could never get ALL of the buttermilk out of it, so it would go off very quickly even in the fridge.

      How do you know when you’ve rinsed enough?

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        I used the sprayer on my sink to rinse with really cold water for just … probably a minute or so? Then put on nitrile gloves (I don’t like handling a lot of food textures, so I keep a box of them in the kitchen) and just squeezed it all into a ball like play dough and basically pressed it between my hands til water stopped coming out.

      2. SpellingBee*

        What I’ve done sometimes (if I have a small enough batch) is to actually work the butter submerged in a big bowl of cold water, rather than rinsing it under the tap, and change the water several times. That way I can more easily see when milk is still getting squeezed out. I’ve never made butter from goat milk, though – I understand it’s quite a process separating the cream!

        1. Ethyl*

          That’s what I have done too, but I too have never used goat milk. Although now I have An Idea!

        2. Lora*

          Depends on the goat. Saanen cream you need to spend $$$ on a cream separator gadget; I have Alpine/Togg/Saanen mutts and their cream rises in about 24 hours in the fridge.

          1. SpellingBee*

            Interesting! A lot of people in our area keep goats, but I don’t know if they’re milk goats or meat goats. I love seeing them in the pastures, though, especially the kids bouncing around.

  14. Summer*

    Feeling some weight-related angst: last year I managed to lose a lot of weight (safely and on purpose) and last summer I bought a really gorgeous dress that I loved. Over the colder months I’ve let the weight creep back up (not all of it) and now that the weather’s getting warmer, the dress doesn’t quite fit anymore.

    It just annoys me that I wasn’t disciplined enough to prevent this from happening.

    1. WellRed*

      If you plan on losing the weight again so you can wear the dress next summer, try the dress on a few times over the winter to remind you.

      1. Dr. Anonymous*

        A lot of people beat themselves up over discipline and it’s so hard on you and unhelpful. Last winter you wanted whatever you were eating more than you wanted the dress. Maybe this year you can set up your surroundings to make it easier to eat the way you wish you’d eaten. It takes a lot of thought to get a clue about what you were eating and why and if there’s a different food or an entirely different activity to fill that need. Be kind to yourself and make a good plan to care for yourself with love this year, whatever happens with the dress.

    2. The Cosmic Avenger*

      You did it before, that means you can definitely do it again! I think everyone goes through those kinds of jagged-line progressions, it’s never just a straight diagonal line and then flat. I have done the same thing a few times, and I think of it as allowing myself a break before getting back to work again, and one “break” was a couple of years of a slight rise and plateau before getting back down to my previous low. It was still WAY below what it was when I started, so I tried not to worry too much, but I did feel like I should have been able to get it back down during those years.

      Remember, you did it before, so you can do it again!

    3. Ramanon*

      A lot of diets aren’t sustainable. You’re certainly not the only person who’s regained weight the next year just because that’s what happens, not because you didn’t “try hard enough” or whatever. Don’t beat yourself up about discipline or similar. As long as you’re healthy, it shouldn’t matter.

      1. Christy*

        Yeah, sustained weight loss is nearly impossible, you can’t beat yourself up about it. That said, I definitely empathize.

        1. Agent J*

          So does that mean weight gain is inevitable/permanent?

          I’ve been struggling with some stress weight gain lately. I’ve been trying to focus on “loving my body” and all that but feel a bit like Summer, that I should have been more disciplined to prevent it from happening. I’ve been hoping to lose the weight but now maybe I should just accept it?

          1. NoLongerYoung*

            I have kept it off but it’s been a bit of an up and down within 5-7 pound range. I don’t give up. I pick something, and work on it until a habit, and keep after the lifestyle choices. I remind myself that no one buys a car and never expects to tune it up or align the tires. I had years to learn bad habits; I need to keep learning and reinforcing replacement and positive ones. It’s taken me 20 years to stop and ask myself if I’m really just thirsty, or anxious, instead of hungry. It took me several years to reach for celery with peanut butter at my 3 PM lag (I needed protein) instead of chocolate or sugar. Still not consistent, but I’ve kept off the 165# for 15 years now. I bounce inside that little 7# range and keep whittling away at the issues…I also work hard not to beat myself up, or make it all or nothing. I had huge issues, now I’m pushing on the long term small adjustments that make it creep back.

          2. Lissa*

            There are very different ideas about that one. There’s a lot out there that says weight loss is never sustainable, but there’s also been more stuff coming out saying those studies/statistics are skewed and it in fact is possible. I personally have found sustained weight loss possible when I stay on top of it, but it does mean putting some thought/effort into it and sometimes, I just don’t wanna. The times it’s been a priority for me to exercise and keep track of what I eat, I have lost weight and maintained it just fine. But the times I haven’t felt like that was something I wanted to integrate in my life regularly, I have gained or not lost more.

            I do think barring certain medical conditions maintaining weight loss is possible. But it isn’t always a priority and that’s fine too. I do think that the idea of weight loss and gain being mysterious and not controllable at all is false, from my own experience it’s a pretty clear correlation. But so much of society is set up in such a way to really work against us and trick us into not realizing what we’re eating, and fighting that aspect of things is a constant thing for many of us.

          3. namelesscommentator*

            Lots of people keep the weight off.

            And to be very honest, it’s when I stopped buying into the “healthy at any size!” “Love my body” “it’s not that you’re not trying hard enough” that I was finally able to start eating less and lose weight. I could say that I’ve been on a diet since I first noticed I was heavier than my classmates in 4th grade. But until two years ago I ate too much and didn’t exercise enough AND I KNEW IT. Knowing that you shouldn’t eat that cookie is not the same as not eating that cookie. Being a little mean to myself about that was the best thing I ever could have done.

            If you want to lose weight, I’d start by looking at your calorie needs using one of many online trackers. They give various numbers but they should be within range of each other. Then track everything making sure you’re within that range.

            Another thing that it helped me was to keep in mind how insanely negative people are about weight loss goals. Treat them like any other goal that you or your friend’s have. I have one friend reading a novel every day this summer, another learning to rock climb and another getting a PhD. They are not doing those things at me, I did not lose weight at them. Your opinion is what matters on your body and your goals.

            1. Ramanon*

              The number on the scale is not the be all and end all of health, though. A lifestyle that results in weight gain correlates with health problems, but there’s no “healthy” weight point that can be universally adapted to everyone- or even between any two given people. Trying to fix an unhealthy lifestyle should be done because the lifestyle is unhealthy, not to reach a “good” number on the scale.

              1. namelesscommentator*

                This is such a great example of the negativity around weight loss. No where did I say weight was some be all end all measure of health. No where did I say not wanting to lose weight was bad. No where did I mention “good” scale numbers. But instead of saying “oh, guess we have a different goals” you went into all the reasons why weight loss isn’t a good goal to have.

                And since you brought it up — weight is absolutely part of measuring your health. It’s not the only or most important indicator, but it is very much part of it. I lost weight to have fewer cells at risk of turning cancerous, sleep better, and buy bras in easily accessible stores. Sure, there’s no number that magically would have flipped those switches, but there was a range, and I don’t get why people find it so insulting that others have weight loss as a goal. They’re not doing it at you. It is not a referendum on your body and has NOTHING to do with you.

                And FWIW, I felt a lot of ill health effects at a weight (5’5″, 190 lb) where I could still easily fit into an airplane seat, walked 15 miles a day and exercised regularly, so the ill health effects of excess weight for some kick in long before social side effects (like plus size clothing or buying 2 seats).

                1. ThatGirl*

                  Sustained weight loss for most people requires a lifetime commitment. Meanwhile life changes. Goals change. Our metabolisms change. If you spend your life yo yoing you’ll end up less healthy and heavier than when you started. I’m all for thoughtful eating and plenty of exercise but it’s not always simple or easy or cut and dry.

                2. Ramanon*

                  Pretty much what ThatGirl said.

                  Also, I’m not sure why you assume that I’m insulted by weight loss as a goal. Where do I come off as insulted?

                3. namelesscommentator*

                  Of course it’s a lifelong commitment that comes with challenges and changes. Just like maintaining a higher weight is a lifelong commitment to eating the correct amount of calories to maintain that weight. That seems really obvious.

                  You came off as insulted/negative/anti (whichever one you want to choose, maybe insulted wasn’t the right word choice) when you said people shouldn’t try for a certain number on a scale.

                  I’ll bow out of this conversation because this isn’t my hill for anyone but myself. But if a friend mentions intentional weight loss (& isn’t underweight), if your first instinct is to talk about all of the reasons it won’t work, think about why that is and if you’d do that for any other goal they had.

                4. ThatGirl*

                  Uh, I don’t think you really understand humans if you think we’re all committed to being fat.

                5. namelesscommentator*

                  Let’s not pretend that our weight isn’t a reflection of our longterm calorie choices. You don’t overeat once and get obese just like you don’t undereat once and stay skinny.

                  I could care less about others weight, but I would like to not hear about how impossible weight loss is or how it’s the wrong goal to have when it would be healthy for the vast majority of people. You hear so much about how the obesity epidemic is a symptom of system issues and it is. Why do we compound that by discouraging those who do want to address it on their own individual level?

          4. Ramanon*

            Stress weight is not permanent, no, if that’s your concern. It’s the metabolism reacting to stress, and once you feel better you’ll likely lose it. But weight gain is like freckle gain or whatever. Everyone has a different body, and everyone’s going to gain and lose and keep weight based on a bunch of internal and external factors. There’s nothing wrong with exercising at a level healthy for your body, or eating a diet healthy for your body, but diets and exercise programs should be considered first and foremost /medical/ tools and not social acceptance points. You wouldn’t take adderall for social points, you’d take adderall because it helps you be healthy and happy. Diets should be the same way.

          5. Christy*

            Your body has a stasis point. It’s possible to lose weight after gaining it, but you’re always going to want to be at your stasis. I was at mine for several years when I gained about 20 lbs of depression weight. I’m now on this awful medical diet for unrelated reasons and I’ve lost about 14 lbs of that gained weight. But I’ll always bounce back around to that stasis weight eventually.

          6. matcha123*

            I’ve been asking myself the same thing for a while. I don’t think that significant weight gain is inevitable or permanent. Yes, as you get older it’s possible that you are sitting at a desk most of the day or sitting in a car, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t also look at the way your life has changed and take steps to ensure that you are at least trying to be healthy and active.
            And I say this as someone from a very low-income background. I’ve never had a gym subscription. I use my legs and walk. I watch YouTube videos at home.
            Not all of us are starting at the same point, either. If you are starting at 300lbs and trying to get down to 150lbs, your journey is going to be different from someone who was 120lbs, then went up to 130lbs and is now trying to get back down to 120lbs.

            If you are telling yourself things like “Well I’m older so I can’t do that anymore,” or “Of course my metabolism is going down,” or things like that then what motivation do you have to try something new if you think you’re going to fail? (Not YOU you, but general you.)

    4. Madge*

      Keep in mind that you are battling several adversaries in your attempt to maintain or lose weight. Food manufacturers, culture, advertising, lifestyle, and your body’s natural inclination to hang on to weight, to name a few. You’re paddling upstream in rapids and stopping to rest or losing your focus is nothing to be ashamed of. Being unable to achieve or maintain weight loss is not a moral failure. Precision Nutrition has a great info graphic on the effort to maintain various percentages of body fat. I’ll post a link later.

    5. Batgirl*

      This is me, except that the weight gain was so obvious I could tell before it was really warm and try-on-clothes time. So I started losing weight in the Spring, and I can juuuuust get the zipper up now. As of yesterday. Looking at my history on MyFitnessPal, I usually stop tracking weight and food in September and by December I’ve gained weight. I am not interested in fast weight loss; I want nice food and generous portions, so I’m going to start tracking my weight when I’m in maintainance mode the exact same way as I do in weight loss mode but with a bigger allowance and see what happens. It may not work; feeling cold gives me the munchies something terrible, and at the end of the day I’m going to choose sustenance over my summer clothes on a chilly November night. But it might be somewhat down to mindlessness and if I minimise it hopefully there’s less weight loss to do next year.

    6. WoodswomanWrites*

      While it’s easy to turn your perspective on weight gain after actively taking it off previously into a personal failure-believe me, I’ve been there–I think it’s more helpful to recognize that this is an ongoing process that ebbs and flows. The key is to notice what’s happening and make a plan.

      Also, it’s really normal to gain weight in the winter. I once read an article about a 10-year study of people in Alaska who typically gain weight in the winter and lose it in the summer. While I’m no expert, we’re mammals and that makes sense to me.

      Like you, I gained back some of the weight I took off last year, and also found that a favorite pair of pants doesn’t fit. I’m wondering if you turn this around in your mind to congratulate yourself instead of blaming. You have not in fact gained it all back, you’re lighter than you were when you started losing in the past, and you’ve noticed it now to prevent yourself from gaining more. That’s a big accomplishment. You’ve got this.

    7. PhyllisB*

      I can so relate. Not about a specific garment, but I lost a good bit of weight and have kept most of it off, but in December I quit drinking alcohol and developed a fierce craving for sweets in its place. I realize that is very common when you stop drinking, so didn’t worry too much about it, but it’s been 6 months now, and still craving, and I’ve gained 15 pounds!!!!! How long does it take to work through this? It doesn’t help that all of us, me, Hubby, and Son are facing the same issue (no drinking, wanting sweets) so there is always way too much sweet food around. Grands are loving it. :-) They said we have much cooler snacks now.

  15. Washi*

    Tiny ladies, give me your shopping tips! My MIL hasn’t gotten new clothes since the 90s and has lost a bit of weight since then, so she often looks like she’s dressing from the remains of someone else’s Mari Kondo cast offs. She asked me to help update her wardrobe, but I’m worried about not finding anything that fits – she’s about 5 feet tall and very thin. I’m on the shorter side as well, but I can generally find my size, whereas my MIL often wears children’s clothes.

    So, if you are also very small:
    1) Where do you have the best luck shopping?
    2) My MIL is completely flat-chested. Are there particular cut/styles that tend to work well or not work well for that shape?

    She’s quite well off, so money is no object, and we live in a city in the mid-Atlantic, so we can probably find any reasonably sized national chain.

    1. Reba*

      as a fellow petite flat chested person… I’d recommend nordstrom–the one in my area carries lots of petites, anyway. The Ann taylor brands also have fairly extensive petites, although the sizing may not go down enough for mil.

      As far as shapes, there are lots of pretty, loose fitting tops and dresses out there these days. Look at Eileen Fisher to see what I’m talking about. She just needs to avoid things with a lot of darts or bust shaping. For example, a drapey flat-front loose blouse vs. a tailored poplin button down shirt.

    2. Butter Makes Things Better*

      I’m also 5’ and slimmish, and used to get most of my clothes from J. Crew, because they offer XXS and XXXS in their sweatshirts. They also have a petite line. Their kids line Crewcuts is awesome for petite women who like a little whimsy in their wardrobe — I get so many compliments on my yeti and T. rex sweaters (size 12 boys; the latter gets mistaken for Coach), my girls blue terry cloth dress with stars and my girls long-sleeve tee with a giant cheeseburger on it. I usually go size 12 or 14, though sometimes even size 10 fits.

    3. Seeking Second Childhood*

      First, this is secondhand because I’m not petite. But co-workers say good things about the petites at Ann Taylor & Talbot’s, if she wants corporate look. And if she wants frivolous/fun, she’s the right proportions to order from the many Amazon sellers shipping from Asia.

      1. Pomona Sprout*

        Another vote for Asia here!

        My daughter is 4’11” and weighs about 90 lbs. (she looks and is perferctly healthy; she’s just naturally tiny) and has a terrible time finding anything that fits her, The petites in most stores start at size 4, and she’s size 1, 0, or even 00, depending on the stores and how the (vanity) sizing runs. (The prevalence of vanity sizing has made things extra hard; when companies start labeling large size garments as “medium,” medium ones as “small, etc., people aready at the small end get sized right out of everything.) Finding her shoe size (5) is even harder; hardly anybody makes adult women’s shoes under a size 6 any more and even fewer retailers actually sell them–which I guess is why everybody has stopped making them!

        Most of her nicest and cutest clothes have come through mail order from Asian retailers. I can’t tell you any brand names offhand, but I know she orders mostly from Japan, fwiw.

    4. HannahS*

      Consider a Japanese brand, like Uniqlo. They have great basics, and are built for a straighter, slimmer figure–I’m short but pear shaped, and find that their clothes don’t flatter me, so she might have better luck there!

      1. MMB*

        White House Black Market has smaller sizes; Eddie Bauer has good tops for smaller people but the pants don’t typically go below a size 2 but they have shorter lengths available. Antonio Melani has 0 and sometimes 00 pants but sometimes they’re a bit long.

      2. greenthumb*

        Yes, seconding Uniqlo! It can take a little looking, because some of the clothes skew very teen, but I bet you guys would find her some cute things.

    5. Damn it, Hardison!*

      Do you have a Nordstrom nearby? I’ve heard very good things about their personal shoppers. Someone like that might be able to recommend styles that work best with her body type.

        1. jDC*

          If you get the debit card it’s free up to a certain amount. Also without it certain items are free to tailor. I recommend the card since it’s not a CC but you still earn points and get free tailoring and early access to anniversary, which is the best sale ever.

          1. jDC*

            Can’t wait!! I haven’t shopped in 2 years due to moving to middle of no where. Now I’m back and cannot wait.

      3. jDC*

        Oh yes. I also love Trunk Club. They really nail sizing. They’ll send me something in my not usual size and i think “you’re crazy” the. I try it on and it fits perfectly. Nordstrom in general is really good about online explaining how things fit. It’ll say “true to size” or “if between sizes order one up”. Really helpful.

        1. 2e*

          And another vote!

          My grandma was just under five feet tall and very petite, and Nordstrom was always our first stop. A personal shopping appointment where we gave some parameters (like “grandma is going to the Caribbean and is looking for modest outfits in which she won’t be too hot; ideally tops, skirts and cropped pants; she likes blue but does not wear blue jeans”) was so helpful because we started with options selected by someone who knew the inventory and thus what was most likely to fit her. I recommend their in-house tailoring for simple petite alterations such as hemming trousers, too.

    6. purple otter*

      If you have one near you, consider Athleta’s casual wear line for weekend wear. They do have a pretty generous try & return policy if you shop online.

      Zara and H&M also have petite sizes.

    7. Not A Manager*

      I used to like Eileen Fisher petites. My wardrobe needs have changed, so I haven’t looked at her stuff lately.

    8. MissDisplaced*

      As a petite but plus woman, it seems to me like you can find small sizes nearly anywhere. All I see at department stores are sizes 0 and 2 left, or conversely really big plus sizes of 22 and up. Never much in the 14-18 sizes and good luck ever getting petite-plus!

      That being said, you’ll probably find plenty at Banana Republic, Macys, and stores that cater to junior/youthful looks like H&M or Zara. Also European brands and high fashion run much, much smaller.

    9. Nita*

      I think I have a figure like your MIL. I really like dresses with flared skirts, they give me some “shape” so I don’t look like a stick. Some ruffled tops work too, but it really depends on the exact style. I also got a jumpsuit (I think that’s what they’re called) online and it fits great… I think the high waist makes me look taller.

    10. WoodswomanWrites*

      My sister is the same build as your MIL, and she’s a big fan of J. Jill which specializes in small sizes.

      1. Filosofickle*

        I wouldn’t say J.Jill specializes in small sizes…they have a great range, petites, regular, and plus! I’m typically a PXL and that is SO hard to find. (Their sizes run big, so there I’m closer to a PL. I wonder if a really tiny P might actually struggle to get something small enough.) J.Jill isn’t an ideal match for my style but I’ve found some really good pieces there. I think of J.Jill as less spendy Eileen Fisher.

        Recently I found myself in an outfit of wide-leg patterned crops from J.Jill and a boxy tee from Eileen Fisher and I realized I had reached peak middle-aged white lady Berkeley fashion…yet I was hella comfy so who cares?! Ah, being in my 40s is a gift.

    11. Washi*

      Thank you all! I’m going to scout out which malls have the most of your recommendations!

    12. Blue_eyes*

      I heartily agree with everyone else suggesting Nordstrom. Use the personal shopping, or just go to petites and then take advantage of the in house tailoring.

      I would also add American Eagle. They may have more casual clothes for her. I have a young teen in my life who is just over 5 feet and very slim. She’s just at the point where kids clothes don’t really fit, but many adult brands don’t go small enough for her. AE has women’s 00 and XXS sizes.

  16. Cows go moo*

    When invited to a wedding, is it rude to skip the ceremony and only attend the reception? I am not close to the couple. I don’t dislike the bride but I don’t like her either. Never met the groom. TBH I don’t know why I was even invited as I haven’t seen her socially for a long time. I would decline except I am very close friends with someone the bride is related to.

    The ceremony is an hour away from me and the reception is close to my house. I can’t be bothered driving that distance and arrange for a babysitter for my kid especially if I’m going out again later that night. My Saturdays are precious! Is it a terrible sin to make up an excuse to skip the reception?

    1. Lena Clare*

      No. If you were being invited to the day do and missed the wedding but turned up for the sit down meal, I think that’d be rude, but just going for the dance/ buffet at night is fine.
      You can say you can’t find a babysitter if you think they’d not then invite your child, or just say you’ve got other plans in the day, but would love to help them celebrate in the evening.
      Job done :)

      1. Thankful for AAM*

        Do weddings now have 3 separate events to RSVP to – the ceremony, a sit down meal, and a buffet and dancing? How do you signal you are going to just one part without them paying for all of it?

        I am thinking her options are to say yes or no and if she says yes, the bride and groom are now paying for all the costs associated with their wedding?

        1. DerJungerLudendorff*

          Depends on the wedding I suppose. Some people like to do it big and invite lots of people, some people prefer smaller and shorter ceremonies.

          I think she should be fine asking to just attend the evening parts. The bride and groom are unlikely to really miss her or mind if they’re that distant, and they have plenty of other things on their hands.

        2. Lena Clare*

          Yes, it’s fairly traditional here (UK) to do it that way although I’ve been weddings later in the day so they can combine the ceremony/sit down and reception together.

          I’ve also had invites to people’s wedding reception only, so only RSVPd for the evening. Lots of people have more guests at the reception than at the ceremony/sit down, because that’s the more expensive bit, and if you’re invited to a wedding, it’s taken that you’re being invited to the whole day and evening shebang!

          It’s why I don’t like weddings in general, unless it’s for someone close to me :/

          1. only acting normal*

            I went to a wedding once where we (and many others) were invited to the ceremony, *not* invited to the sit-down meal, then invited to the evening party. Made for a weird day for a lot of the guests, having several hours to kill dressed for a wedding with no wedding to attend, plus finding somewhere to eat.
            Usually it’s a ceremony+meal+evening, or an evening-only invite.
            But it’s fine to simply decline! No excuse needed, just say no thank you, wish them the best, and everyone moves on.

          2. Thankful for AAM*

            I still don’t know what all that means! To me the reception IS the sit down meal. Sigh. I feel old.

            1. londonedit*

              Really late here, but in the UK you have the wedding ceremony, followed by the reception that includes the sit-down meal, speeches, toasts etc, followed by an ‘evening reception’ that involves dancing and usually a late buffet. So, say the wedding is at 1pm, the reception will probably start at 2.30pm with canapes and drinks while the bride and groom have photos taken, then the ‘wedding breakfast’ sit-down meal at about 4pm, toasts and speeches at say 6, and then the evening do will start at 7pm or 7.30. In my experience, people are usually either invited to the whole day, so the ceremony plus all of the reception (the sit-down part going into the evening dancing bit) or they’re just invited to the evening part of the reception, so you’d be invited to arrive at 7pm or whatever. It’s a way of inviting more people to the wedding without a) having a huge number of people at the ceremony venue, which there probably wouldn’t be space for, and b) having to pay for loads of people for the sit-down meal!

              The exception to this has been friends who’ve got married in large church venues, where there’s a ton of seating and numbers aren’t a problem. Last year I was invited to attend a friend’s wedding ceremony in the local abbey at noon, and then invited to the evening reception do from 7pm.

        3. tamarack & fireweed*

          I’m going to a wedding tomorrow where the invitation was for the reception only – they want to do the ceremony in a small family setting. But it’s a super informal event, too.

          To the OP, I can pretty much imagine two options that might make sense for everyone: a) *ask*, politely, along the lines of “I am thrilled for you and would very much like to celebrate with you, but I am finding myself with a serious scheduling problem for the ceremony. Would it be ok to join you for part of the reception” – and then let it open to the bride to invite you to drinks only or whatever. b) not go.

          Sounds like a) would be pretty much a lie – up to you if you feel comfortable with it. (Me, if I’m not close to the couple and don’t even like the one half of the couple I know, it wouldn’t occur to me to go. I’d decline immediately. But that’s me. I have no idea what attraction others might see in going to a family celebration among people they don’t know. Maybe you’d be hanging out with people you like?)

        4. Person from the Resume*

          In my experience there is no sit down dinner. The food/meal is a buffet at the reception.

    2. Sc@rlettNZ*

      Of course you dont have to attend. You’ve just said that you aren’t particularly close to the bride and aren’t even sure why you were invited. I’d just decline graciously citing a prior commitment. Don’t overthink it. People decline invitations all the time. Just because you are close to someone the bride is close to doesn’t mean that you are obligated to attend her wedding.

    3. Call me St. Vincent*

      I think it’s generally acceptable to skip the reception if you go to the ceremony since the ceremony is the main event, but not the other way around. Then again conventions are really changing. I understand the dilemma and you have my sympathies in figuring it out! I’m looking forward to hearing what others have to say on this one!

      1. Deanna Troi*

        I agree with this. In my part of the US (mid-Atlantic), it would be considered extremely rude to go the reception, but not the wedding. The ceremony itself is the important and significant part of the event. The reception is because you have to feed people if you invite them to something. Some look at it like the reception is the reward for sitting through the ceremony.

      2. fposte*

        Another agreement on this. The look if you attend the reception only is “I’m just here for the party.”

        But honestly, I don’t see why you’re even considering going. You don’t want to, you’re not close to the couple, it’s going to be a pain. It’s a question, not a subpoena–“Would you like to come?” And your answer is “No, thanks.”

        1. Marmaduke*

          These comments are interesting to me because my friends and I have always seen it in the opposite way. The party is when the bride and groom are actually interacting with guests, so that’s the most important part for guests to attend. I don’t think I’d have minded if nobody showed up to the actual ceremony except the groom and the officiant.

          Of course, I don’t know how much of that is a result of spending most of my formative years in a culture where most wedding ceremonies could only be attended by a specific group of people, so it was very standard to only be invited to the reception anyway.

          1. fposte*

            Yes, I think there’s huge cultural variation on this. And I suspect that with most weddings I’ve attended as long as the guest kept their mouth shut nobody’d know they missed the ceremony :-).

          2. a1*

            Same – I was always told there’s always more people at the reception than the service, and that’s quite normal. Only people close* the marrying couple tended to go to the wedding itself. However, when I moved here (MN – I grew up in MI) after one wedding invite I asked some friends if they were going to both the wedding and the reception and they looked at me like I grew 2 heads. In their mind/how they were raised, you never go to just the reception. When I said that every wedding I’d been to had more people at the reception than the service they couldn’t believe it. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

            * “Close” being however you want to define it and not tied to blood ties. And there was still always a lot of people at the wedding service, just less than at the reception.

      3. That Girl From Quinn's House*

        I agree, though it’s ok for extenuating circumstances. One of my friends turned up towards the end of my reception because our wedding ended up at the same time as a funeral in his wife’s family, and we were really touched that he made the effort to come at all.

        We also had a funeral in my family recently, where there were 200 miles between the funeral parlor and the cemetery, due to a relocation away from their hometown. Some people came to just the service, some came to just the burial, the sentiment was appreciated either way.

    4. Washi*

      I think you should just decline. You’re not close to the bride or groom and it sounds like the whole thing is having you going “ugh, do I have to?”

      And I think openly skipping the ceremony but attending the reception could be seen as saying you’ll come for the free party but not for the most meaningful part, the whole reason the party is happening in the first place. If it’s a large wedding though, probably no one would notice if you weren’t at the ceremony and if someone commented, you could claim a last-minute kid emergency.

      But that brings me back to point 1, which is why bother? I don’t see what difference having a close mutual friend makes – my close friends have lots of friends that I know socially but wouldn’t attend the weddings of, even if invited.

      1. I hate coming up with usernames*

        This. Please don’t make people you clearly don’t even like host you at their wedding. They even don’t realize how you feel or had outside pressure to invite you.

        1. Lilysparrow*

          Yup. This.

          Unless the relative who is your close friend is hosting the wedding (which some parents / parental figures still do), then just don’t go.

          Get together with your friend on your own time and your own dimes.

    5. Caterpie*

      As someone in the midst of planning a wedding, I don’t think it’s that rude to go to the reception only considering the distance and your childcare situation. I’m not sure what you RSVPd for but all of the prepaid costs to have you there (dinner, drinks, favor, etc) are going to come from the reception anyway. As long as you don’t just show up for free food and then leave I think it’s ok.

    6. AvonLady Barksdale*

      In your position, I wouldn’t go at all. Being close to the bride’s sibling or parent doesn’t require you to attend. Make an excuse and send a card.

    7. WS*

      Send a card and your best wishes and that will be fine. Skipping the ceremony and just attending the reception is a bit odd (without a reason like the ceremony is up a steep hill and you use a cane) but skipping both is fine.

    9. Bagpuss*

      It’s fine to decline the invitation, it’s not a summons.
      I think skipping the ceremony but going to the reception is a bit rude, as the ceremony is the more important part , but I think it depends on the couple themselves whether they would perceive it as rude or not.
      However, as you are not particularly close to them, why not just decline, send them a nice card, and maybe make arrangement to see your friend another time?

    10. Not So NewReader*

      Agreeing with those who said, don’t bother going.
      I am wondering if your friend asked you to go as moral support for some reason? If so maybe you could call the friend in the middle of the reception and tell her you “have an emergency” and she needs to come over right away. That might bail her out of her demand appearance at the wedding.

    11. Thankful for AAM*

      Given the distance and what seems like some social pressure to not decline, I’d go to the nearby reception only. I don’t think anyone will notice who is not at the ceremony. Have last minute sitter issues or similar car issues or even a wardrobe malfunction that meant you would have missed half the ceremony anyway if that helps but I don’t see why you cannot extend well wishes from the reception only.

      I can see I’m the odd one out here but I don’t share the feeling that the ceremony is the important part. There are obligations in both directions (like dont invite ppl you are not close to and make them drive too far) but the important parts are show support and going to the reception does that.

      1. Insurance mom*

        In our area – Midwest- it is very common to skip the wedding and go to the reception. If you aren’t sure why you were even invited just decline

        1. ThatGirl*

          I live in Illinois and never heard this, we had the opposite where a few people left after the ceremony.

        2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          Yeah, I’ve spent 3/4 of my life in Indiana and Michigan and never heard this at all.

    12. Alice*

      I think you should decline and send a card. You don’t have to explain why. If your friend the sibling wanted you to come as a special favor she would have told you about it, and it sounds like you have no other reason to go.

      1. Wishing You Well*

        Yes, I’d decline. One advice columnist advises declining all wedding invitations except for close family members because of the cost and effort it takes to attend a wedding and all its events.
        A card with handwritten good wishes is fine in this case. In other cases, consider sending a gift that is some portion of the cost you’d incur if you had attended. That’s an option, too.

    13. Lena Clare*

      Oh I’m interested to read the replies.
      If it’s a traditional wedding (ceremony, sit down meal, evening reception) I think it’d be ok to go to the reception in the evening and miss the ceremony-sit down meal bits.

      I guess if people are doing a less traditional wedding and having ceremony and reception later in the day, then doing the reception only would be rude yes! So miss it all in that case?

    14. ImJustHereForThePoetry*

      It’s not rude to skip the ceremony – especially when the ceremony and reception are in different places and there is a long break between them.

    15. Not A Manager*

      “I would decline except I am very close friends with someone the bride is related to.’

      Why don’t you just hang out with your friend some other time? You could even treat them to lunch or something as a celebration of their relative’s wedding. Ask about the event, look at photos.

      I personally would not be comfortable attending a reception when I’d chosen to decline going to the actual wedding. And I do think you at least risk hurting people’s feelings. Right or wrong, a lot of folks treat the wedding as a kind of performance, complete with starring roles, etc. Refusing to be an enthusiastic audience member, and then showing up for the cast party (as it were), might feel a bit insulting.

    16. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      The other comments seem to have given a good range of advice. The only other scenario I can think of that might be worth considering (but might not) would be to contact your friend and see if they think the bridge and groom might want your help setting things up/keeping an eye on things at the reception location during the ceremony if that’s a role you’d prefer to actually attending their ceremony.

      I’m thinking of my mom’s second wedding here, where the reception was in the rec room of a different church than the ceremony was in (the chapel she got married in did not have a reception room – long story) and I’m pretty sure some of her more distant friends or friends-of-friends were over there keeping an eye on the reception stuff during the ceremony and greeting guests as they arrived at the reception. Everything about that wedding was pretty casual, though (on purpose), and if the reception venue for this wedding is the kind of place with hired staff rather than the kind of place where the people hosting the event pick up the key themselves that wouldn’t have been needed.

    17. ThatGirl*

      I think you should just rsvp no. You can see your friend some other time, no? I’m not even sure why that’s relevant, I’ve missed a few close friends’ weddings for various reasons, it happens.

  17. Lucy*

    Please keep Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe in your thoughts and prayers as she ends a fifteen-day hunger strike in an Iranian prison.

    This weekend I’m also thinking of those affected by the European heatwave which has already caused deaths and forest fires. A reminder that SSRIs can increase a person’s sensitivity to dehydration so if this may apply to you please pay attention to your fluids and electrolytes!

    2. Reasons to hate everything*

      Yet somehow Boris Johnson is about to become the next prime minister of the UK.

      2. Foreign Octopus*

        His incompetence in her case should have ended his political career, yet somehow he’s poised to be the UK’s leader? I wish I could say politics has gone mad, but I’m sure there have been examples of people failing upwards for years.

        1. DerJungerLudendorff*

          Turns out competence hasn’t been a requirement for quite a while! You’d think we have higher standards of our national leaders.

          1. Elizabeth West*

            Well, the transnational crime syndicate that has been meddling in both our governments and political processes for some time now doesn’t require its puppets to be competent.

      3. Lucy*

        It’s quite something when Jeremy (frequently aptly mispronounced) Hunt is the lesser of evils.

        1. UKCoffeeLover*

          Lucy, I’m so with you on this. I caught myself hoping Jeremy Hunt would win the contest!!! How did that thought ever pop into my head!
          We need a GE and we need it now!

      4. Lucy*

        Oh and did you hear that the French media were struggling to translate “turds” precisely enough? File that under “things that shouldn’t be an issue in international relations”.

      5. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

        And here I am regularly beating myself up for being incompetent. How is this reality?

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      !! Thank you — my husband recently had a med increase and has been having trouble with headaches and dehydration issues, so after seeing this, I googled his med name and dehydration, and sure enough, it’s a possible side effect on his med as well. Off to Costco for gatorade!

  18. Butter Makes Things Better*

    Anyone else watch the US-France World Cup match yesterday and teehee while thinking “Taco” whenever the back of Marion Torrent’s jersey was onscreen?

      1. FD*

        There was a funny thread earlier in the week involving a taco torrent; I assume this is referring to that. I don’t remember which page it was on.

  19. Seeking Second Childhood*

    Brief version: Does having a garbage disposal in the kitchen really add much to the value of a house?
    Full story: This house has a garbage disposal unit installed right in front of the soap dispenser bottle. It takes two people to add soap without risking Mount Soap-suvious. In addition, it’s installed on the right side of a double sink, and the output pipes go across the sink cabinet to join with the output of the left-side sink. Might be standard but it was done in such a way that (1) I can’t add a shelf to keep small things and (2) the water in right-side sink sometimes won’t flow out unless I turn on the disposal.
    Yet another “what we’re they thinking?” moment … but this time probably answered that they simply didn’t know enough about plumbing.
    So…since we rarely use the disposal except for cleaning the drain catcher, I’m starting to think about removing the disposal. But we might not stay here more than a few years more… and that’s a separate issue. (Architecture is making it hard to put in a ramp for elder relatives and that means it can’t be a live-here-elderly house.)
    Thoughts? (On either issue but primarily the disposal!)

    1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Personally, I think a garbage disposal is more added value (in terms of usage, not actual house sale value) to me than a soap dispenser – but I use my disposal pretty regularly.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      FWIW. We burned through 3 garbage disposers in 15 years when I was growing up. My father got them with his employee discount. It was nice not to throw food scraps in the garbage can, when the thing was working. But it was never working. And when they go, you have to drop everything and deal. I think of them as needless complexity. Perhaps they are better now?

      Bonus fact: It was real fun (not) fishing forks, spoons and other things out of the disposer. Then you have to run baking soda through it every so often. To me, they cause more work than they save work.

      1. Thankful for AAM*

        I think the reason you burned out so many is that they are not for food scraps, they are there so that IF food scraps are in the sink, they can be chopped up b4 going down and clogging up the sink/drains. Blew my mind when I learned that.

        I also had the same soap dispenser 2 person problem but that is true even if we did not have the garbage disposal. We find the soap is not worth the effort but the disposal is slightly more helpful.

        I’d keep it for resale but I don’t think it helps that much.

      2. ArtK*

        Amazing. I’ve never had problems with a disposer like that, and I’ve lived with them for decades. Maybe replaced one after 10-15 years of use. As far as cleaning them, we just grind up some lemon or orange peel once in a while.

      3. ImJustHereForThePoetry*

        At my first house, we went through many disposals and my husband complained about having to replace them all the time. Til I asked him what he was buying. Turns out, he was getting the cheapest/smallest motor ones and they would burn out. He then bought a better, more powerful disposal and we haven’t had that problem since. (And I also put large scraps of food through it all the time.)

      4. LPUK*

        I stopped getting g the clogging problem when I realised there were certain things that always triggered it – in my case onion skins, celeriac root and watermelon rind! As long as I don’t use those, everything is fine ( though with large quantities of peelings, doing it slowly and running water through in between batches is also necessary. I really like the fact that it reduces smelliness of kitchen waste bin- I used one in another house and it was on my list when I had my kitchen done.

    3. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      I like my garbage disposal personally but most people don’t understand they are designed for tiny bits of food residue, not big food chunks or peels that should go into the trash.

      That being said, I also think your average home buyer is not even going to notice and/or find it a deal breaker. Maybe the inspector would mention it but people are pretty committed at that point.

    4. Red Sky*

      I hate emptying the little drain catchers, so a garbage disposal is a necessity and I wouldn’t have a house without one. That said, they’re fairly easy to install if you’re handy, and not prohibitively expensive if you’re not, so it wouldn’t prevent me from buying an otherwise ideal house.

    5. Anono-me*

      I miss having a garbage disposal. It probably wouldn’t stop me from buying a house but it would definitely go in the con list if I was buying another house.

      Coming at things sideways.

      Have you looked at doing a large bottle of soap with a hose to the pump. I know a lot of people who do it just because they hate changing out the soap dispensers.

      As to the accessibility of your current house: Please look at chair lifts and wheelchair lifts as well as a tramp’s. The actual cost isn’t that different if your loved ones have insurance or you are able to find equipment on Craigslist. And cash up front will still probably be cheaper than the cost of moving house. ( even if your loved one has Insurance, gently used medical equipment on Craigslist might be significantly less costly. )

      2. Seeking Second Childhood*

        The ramp is looking ahead a bit — neither of my inlaws requires a chair yet, but walking is getting hard. They live elsewhere.
        This house is simply built badly for any assists though. I looked at it thinking ‘one level plus basement yay’… not really registering the details. There’s a rough stone walkway with steps and terrace to get into the house. If you use the basement, that staircase isn’t up to code…. apparently in 1959 open sides were trendy. Oh and the LR/DR are on a raised platform with too many doors & corners to add a ramp to that either.
        It’s my own fault for missing the details!

    6. No fan of Chaos*

      Always buy the top of the line garbage disposal because it will chew up almost anything and keep on chewing. I once broke a glass and most of it went down the disposer. After picking out the big chunks I just turned it on and the chewing began and ended. No damage to the disposer.

    7. ArtK*

      Soap dispenser: Not useful. Garbage disposal: Very useful. I’d remove the dispenser and put a plug in the countertop.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I’d add a filtered drinking water tap, if I had a hole in the counter what needed filling. The narrow tall kind you can use to fill a water bottle without splashing it all over the place?

      2. Parenthetically*

        Yep. Same. Soap dispensers are a huge pain IMO, garbage disposals are extremely handy.

      3. Traffic_Spiral*

        Agreed. Soap dispensers are pointless, but not having to clean soggy food out of the sink or painstakingly scrape every grain of rice into the garbage? Priceless.

    8. LCL*

      Disposals are relatively cheap appliances. I prefer to have one, but being without isn’t a deal breaker. In the US, appliances are so easy to source that you are limiting your house buying choices if you insist on a house with a particular appliance.

      I’m wondering about your soap dispenser issue. We set up our sink with one. First place I have lived with one, I love it, any place I live after here I will add one. Ours loads from the top, the pump just lifts off and you pour in the soap. This modern style can be found at the home store for 25$. This upgrade would make your life much easier.

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Ours loads ftom the top. But we can’t judge how much to put in from the refill bottle and overfill unless someone gets down to use a flashlight and look around the disposal . Quite the sight I’m sure!

    9. jDC*

      Oh I couldn’t live without the disposal. Even though I attempt to pull things out before it gets to that point I would hate fearing clogged pipes. My dishwasher has a disposal now. Heaven sent.

    10. Wishing You Well*

      My garbage disposal is fairly useless. I’ve had plumbers out more than once to unplug the pipes. Oh, the cost!
      Now I put nothing down the disposal because I don’t want another service call. So the disposal has no value to me.

      As a kid, my dad installed our disposal himself. He accidentally made the metal trim around the sink electrically hot. So if you touched that trim at the same time you touched the faucet, a 110-volt jolt was your reward! He never figured out how to fix it and never called in an expert. Fun times!

    11. Not A Manager*

      I like my garbage disposal and would choose to re-configure the sink setup so that I could have one that worked efficiently. But if you don’t use yours much and don’t miss it, I don’t think it’s going to affect your resale value very much if you remove it.

    12. Gatomon*

      I don’t find either useful, I would be pleased to not have a garbage disposal to deal with in a home because I’d probably end up having it removed. My apartment has a garbage disposal and I gave up on it years ago. It currently doesn’t work. I had maintenance in once about 4 years ago on it, they fixed it, it worked once and stopped again. I don’t miss it at all.

      I’ve never seen a soap dispenser built in before though, maybe it is not common where I have lived.

    13. Suggest*

      It’s usually recommended to have a garbage disposal if you have a dishwasher. So to me, the garbage disposal is essential.

        1. Hitori*

          If you don’t scrape the plates before putting them in the dishwasher, the chunks of food fall into the bottom of the dishwasher, and from there into the disposal. Or if there isn’t one, into the drain, where they would clog the pipes.

          1. tamarack & fireweed*

            Huh, but if you wash the plates by hand, the food residues also have to go somewhere. So you either dispose/scrape them into the garbage bin, or into the sink (where they get caught by the sieve, which then is emptied into the trash), or into some form of garbage disposal. (Even though I’ve been in the US for 8 years, I’m still flabbergasted by the odd kitchen appliances here. I thought I was dealing with a malfunction the first time I had ice cubes come out of the outside of a fridge door, and can’t really see the advantage of an in-sink garbage disposal that would make up for my fear it might want to eat my finger tips. And why would a built-in soap dispenser that requires filling and cleaning be an advantage over bottles, disposable or not, that stand on the countertop?)

    14. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      Seriously dislike the built in soap dispenser – like someone else mentioned, you can’t tell how full it is, and it overflows.
      I no longer use it.
      The garbage disposal? I read up on what to put down it, and what not. And, I compost most large peelings, etc. and never anything stringy. It’s a very good one. Landlord had 5 kids, busy household here before we moved in, and it’s still going strong at 15 years.
      Also, I too was told to always run it before starting the dishwasher (our dishwasher drains through it). YMMV but be very careful before you make any decisions.

      I do like the OXO silicone / metal band “catcher” I keep over the disposal opening all the time. No more dropping things into the disposal. It flips inside out to make cleaning it easy, and I can run it through the dishwasher.

      1. SpellingBee*

        THANK YOU! I just ordered one of the OXO strainer things. I’ve been using a cheapie plastic one from the grocery store, which works okay but is hard to keep clean, and it’s already cracking after only a few months.

        I guess I’m one of the outliers, but I loved the built-in soap dispenser we had at our last house. Yes, you had to be careful filling it and I had overflow incidents on occasion, but I got pretty good at judging the amount after awhile and it didn’t happen often. I just liked not having an extra thing sitting by the sink.

    15. Academic librarian*

      The garbage disposal for us is run to keep the pipes for the dishwasher clear and not backing up. Thats it. We put nothing down that didn’t accidentally go down from rinsing dishes or pots. I remind the husband often that the pipes are old and the disposal is weak. We did not have a disposal in the big city that we lived in before, I didn’t miss having one.

    16. Blue Eagle*

      Is there any reason to check the codes in your area to see if houses are required to have a working garbage disposal in order to be occupied. My city requires a working garbage disposal at the time of sale in order for the new occupants to be issued a certificate of occupancy – otherwise the new owners have to install one before they can occupy the house. So you might want to check this.

  20. LGC*

    It’s been a minute, so…running thread: Pride edition.

    Right now I’m heading into the city now for the Pride Run, and I’m strangely kind of nervous about it! It’s not like I’m planning on racing it, but it’s more social anxiety. But it’s a good kind?

    The past three weeks have been an adventure, which I might go into detail about later.

    1. Aspiring Chicken Lady*

      Happy Pride! The jitters will soon be outweighed by the community joy!

      1. LGC*

        Oh dude, it was fun as hell (Also hot as hell)! The hardest part was getting into my corral (since it’s a huge race – apparently 12,000 runners, which smashed the record for the largest pride charity run) – I thought I had to go around all 12 1/2 starting corrals, which wasted about ten minutes.

    2. Christmas*

      I have social anxiety too, and I run! (Just did one 5k, another coming up.) Bet the Pride Run is going to be a blast! Describe the scene for us when you get there! You’ll have so much fun.

      1. LGC*

        Oh man, it was a blast – if I do it next year I’m costuming up!

        FRNY (Front Runners NY) has some talent, though! Some of those guys were out there in tutus and wigs running 6-minute miles. Meanwhile, I was flailing around trying to keep my shirt from falling out of my shorts.

    3. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      Hope the race was fun, LGC! It sure was a hot day, as it typically is for the Pride Run.

      I’m happy to say that I’m slowly getting back into things and I’m cautiously optimistic. I ran four days this week (every other day) and was only hurting a bit after one of them. Today I ran 4.5 miles, the farthest I’ve gone since getting hit with plantar fasciitis, and seem to have no ill effects now.

      1. LGC*

        That’s awesome! Glad you’re on the mend.

        Anyway – you are right that it was hot! I actually ended up pinning my number to my shorts because I knew my shirt was coming off. I appreciated the sprinklers and the water every mile or so – normally I won’t bother with fluids in anything under half distance, but today I think I hit every stop.

        To go into a bit more detail, the scene was pretty laid back and supportive. I was hoping it’d be a bit more amped up – Gotham Cheer showed out, and there were quite a few spectators, but it wasn’t like the park was rocking or anything. In general, though, it was well-executed and a nice little party. (And the raffle was pretty nice although I didn’t win anything.) It just needed a few more drag queens – although, IMO, pretty much everything could be improved with a few more drag queens.

    4. Beaded Librarian*

      Anyone else do heart rate training running? I’m trying it but the one plan I’m looking at has most runs in Zone 1 while most of the other literature I’d read talks about doing most of your runs in Zone 2 with Zone 1 being warm up and recovery runs. So I’m confused, I’m trying that plan because I can send the workouts straight to my watch without any extra effort of creating them.

      On a side note “running” in Zones 1 and 2 is HARD.

      1. LGC*

        I’ve done it to a certain extent, and…it’s surprisingly difficult to get right, I’ve found. A lot of it is knowing what your max heart rate is – the standard formula is a starting point, but it can vary for people.

        That said – I’d honestly check to see what they mean by zones. I ask this because it depends not only on your own personal physiology, but also on the software you’re looking at. Like, I know my zone 2 effort on Garmin is NOT my zone 2 effort on Strava, since the zones are set up differently. I’d also check to see who the plan’s targeted at – I can kind of see telling a beginning athlete to keep the bulk of their training in zone 1, but a more advanced athlete wouldn’t be served by that.

        (To be honest, most of my running is zones 2 and 3, and workouts tend to go to zone 4 with spikes into zone 5 on occasion. But I’ve noticed that my heart rate tends to lag and creep up – I’m not sure if it’s my watch, or it’s me.)

    5. Lilysparrow*

      I’m restarting C25K again after rehabbing from a back injury. I’m only on Day 2, but it feels sooooo good!

        1. Lilysparrow*

          Half-past never, LOL. I just run for myself, to be alone and quiet my mind. I tried racing and it ruins everything I like about it.

    6. baconeggandcheeseplz*

      I signed up for the hot chocolate 15k since my 10 mi went pretty okay and it won’t be super hot like the 10 mi was!

      What are your tips for running in the heat? I feel like I’ve been defaulting to just…not running when it’s hot, which is probably not the answer. I also am not really a morning person so getting up early AF to run doesn’t sound like it’ll be sustainable.

      1. LGC*

        Awesome! I’ve heard Hot Chocolate is pretty good – that’s at the end of March, right?

        Anyway, getting up early is probably your best option to beat the heat, yeah. Because I am also not a morning person, I’ll tend to wait until it’s later in the evening – around sunset (so in my neck of the woods, 8 PM or thereabouts) on really bad days. (Perks to being single with no kids: you can work out whenever you want.)

        Also, don’t be afraid to back off or change up your plans. With sustained efforts (so like, I’d say anything more than about 5 minutes at a time), you’re probably going to run a bit slower than usual. With intervals, you’ll probably need longer breaks between them to recover.

        Finally, general advice for being outside applies – stay in the shade, wear lighter colors if possible, hydrate, so on and so forth. You might want to stick to parks if you have a good park system available.

        1. baconeggandcheeseplz*

          It’s in early November here (I’m in Chicago)! Running in the evening should be okayish now since the sun sets late in the summer, but I’m a little wary of running at night as a woman. I guess I’ll just try to go out whenever it’s semi bearable and find a treadmill for when it’s esp hot/gross out. Thanks for the tips!

          1. LGC*

            Ah – there’s one in Philadelphia, which is what I was thinking of!

            Anyway, I was trying to think of “just before sunset” more than a specific time. (Which I should have just said.) For different reasons I don’t like running at night unless I have to, or running at 9 PM.

    7. londonedit*

      Really late to the party, but I wanted to chime in with my weekend’s running!

      Saturday it was 35 degrees C here in London, which is WAY too warm for me to be doing anything, let alone running. Still, it was my friend’s 50th parkrun, so we dutifully went and had a gentle plod round! I was a minute and a half slower than last week and it felt like twice the effort.

      Then yesterday we had a ‘summer league’ fixture – it’s a fun competition between local London running clubs. There are a few fixtures spread over Sundays in June, July and August, each hosted by a different club, and they involve a 5-mile or 10k race for the adults, a mile race for the kids, a 400m race for the really small kids and then mixed 4x400m relays. Our club usually does pretty well, and yesterday we had over 120 adults at the event! Again, it was pretty warm, and I started out too fast, but t0 my amazement I managed to just about hang on to the pace and finished the 5 miles in 45:30. Did not expect to run 9-minute miles! It was really tough and I hadn’t meant to push myself that much, but it was good to see that I can still run reasonably quickly when I want to!

  21. BeanCat*

    I’m really tired lately. I’m not sleeping well these days, mostly from stress.

    I’m not sure if yall remember me, but I was the acne letter writer from a year or so ago. Everyone was so kind :) My face has cleared up significantly from then, but I remember someone in the comments suggested it could stem from endometriosis. Well…I do have endo. I had surgery for it in January 2018, and it’s looking like I might have to have another. I’m having the same kinds of pain more frequently and it’s making things difficult again. The problem is I can’t take treatments most people do (hormonal birth control of any kind) because I also have a blood condition which makes me more likely to clot, and my doctor was worried enough to take me off the original pill I’d been taking for over ten years. :/ I’m seeing my OBGYN Tuesday to determine whether or not I’ll have another surgery, so I’m sure that doesn’t help with my stress. Not to mention preparing for a wedding, haha!

    Thanks for letting me vent – it’ll all work out okay, I know, but my body hasn’t caught up on that and I keep waking up in the middle of the night.

    1. Jaid*

      You have my sympathies.

      I was gonna say, have a hysterectomy and be done with it, but you mentioned a wedding. I’m guessing you want bio-kids? Any way it works out, I wish you well, BC.

      1. KoiFeeder*

        You can still have endo symptoms even without having periods- unfortunately for me! It just depends on where it implants.

    2. misspiggy*

      I’m so sorry. Have you looked at Desogestrel contraceptive pills? I was taken off the combined pill for similar reasons, and have been taking Desogestrel for years (progesterone only, so the clotting risk from oestrogen pills doesn’t apply). Boob pain at the start but no other side effects for me, and blessedly no periods. Desogestrel, unlike some progesterone pills, doesn’t have to be taken at a fixed time each day: it is effective if taken within 12 hours of your usual time.

      1. Ethyl*

        I tried the progesterone only pill and it made me a being of pure rage, so watch out for that I guess :)

        Another idea, is the Mirena or similar IUD. They release a pretty small amount of hormones, and can have the side effect of reducing or eliminating your period. They aren’t much fun to get installed but I mean, if you’re already dealing with endo pain, it’s pretty comparable.

        Me, I’m just sticking it out (I have adenomyosis so targeted laparoscopy isn’t really an option), since I’m now 41 and in perimenopause. THC and heat help a lot, but that’s not an option for everyone I know. Hang in there, it sucks.

        1. Julia*

          I’m on progesterone only and while I do get angry sometimes, it’s usually for things normal people would and should get angry at. Really helped with my endometriosis, too.

          1. Ethyl*

            I was a freaking TERROR, lol! I remember waking my husband up in the middle of the night, furious because he folded the blanket wrong *facepalm.* It is Not For Me I guess!

            1. Julia*

              I was like that on a different pill, so I get what you mean. This stuff is really complicated. >.<

              1. Ethyl*

                Right? Like they’re all so similar, how can they be SO different in side effects?! Bodies are the worst!

        2. Anastasia Beaverhousen*

          If you do consider progesterone-only pill, remember that that’s less forgiving than the combination pill – i.e., where it’s not a big deal to be a ~little~ off in the timing for your ‘normal’ pill, the progesterone-only *absolutely must* be taken at the exact same time every day to be effective. Set an alarm.

          And yes, an IUD might also be an option – there are so many options, talk to your doctor, don’t assume that no ‘standard’ pill=no hormonal BC options.

          1. Julia*

            I have been thirty minutes off at times, and so far have had neither breakthrough bleeding nor have I become pregnant.

        3. KoiFeeder*

          I’d like to pretend that I’m not a pure rage being, but I did punch a heron once, so…

      2. BeanCat*

        Thank you – I actually am on progestin (I think it’s Heather? The mini pill) and despite taking it at the same time every day, after about three months on it I got a full blown really intense period even as I kept taking it every day throughout :/ my appointment wasn’t supposed to be until August 1st but that had me nervous enough to call and see if I could get it moved.

        I’ve read all the comments below too – I’ve considered IUDs too, but I’m just so bad at the thought of getting them inserted.

        Thank you all for the well wishes!

        1. A Simple Narwhal*

          I have an iud (skyla – super low hormone) and my first insertion was pretty awful but my second was significantly better and not too bad at all. Starting with the disclaimer that this is my experience, and I’ve heard of many people having absolutely no problem with the insertion, so do with this what you will.

          The first time they gave me misoprostal the night before to soften the cervix supposedly, but honestly it made me so sick and was the most intense pain I’ve ever had (found out while legit googling “am I dying” that the drug is also used to help speed up the process for people who are miscarrying so I guess that explains some of it) so I would 100% recommend skipping that. When it came time to replace it, I insisted on having some good drugs ahead of time. I know they’re like “oh, take some Tylenol before and after” and I was like eff that noise, I legit thought I was dying so give me something better, and my gyno (who is awesome and took my bad experience very seriously) prescribed me a Percocet and an attavan to take an hour beforehand. That made all the difference, because I mostly floated through the procedure and then took a big ol’ nap when I got home and was pretty much fine after that.

          So yea, if you’re considering an IUD, I totally understand the apprehension about the insertion. But even with my bad first insertion I still 100% recommended getting one to everyone, and now I’m like skip the cervix softener and make sure you get a very good painkiller and a very good anti-anxiety med and you should be fine. Granted, the insertion still isn’t fun, it’s like a more intense pap smear, but it’s totally worth the benefits. Happy to answer any questions about it you might have!

          Oh and just to add that even though my iud is super low hormone, I was really hesitant about getting any amount of hormone since I had an awful experience on the pill – I constantly felt like I was going crazy, wasn’t myself, super intense mood swings – but I’ve had zero of those issues with my IUD. I also used to have insanely heavy and irregular periods but now my period is very consistent and light. I never realized how much consistent stress I had about it until I didn’t have to worry about possibly bleeding through everything!

          Good luck!

      3. KoiFeeder*

        Norethindrone works well for me, and is another progesterone only, but it is a “take this within three hours” pill. I mean, I screw that up all the time, but I don’t have the chance of breakthrough bleeding :p

    3. dealing with dragons*

      I feel for you! I had surgery in January of this year and the pain is coming back. I’m on Mirena so at least I don’t have any bleeding but I’m still doubling over in pain.

      I told my OB and she told me to take stool softeners and drink lots of water

      1. Ethyl*

        Uhhh I think you might need a new doc, because stool softeners and water won’t, y’know, help with endometriosis…..

    4. Lucia*

      If you’re interested in alternative therapies to hormonal birth control, you might investigate a book called Period Repair Manual by Lara Briden, an Australian naturopath. Her methods are based on diet and supplements, so maybe not everyone’s cup of tea, but wanted to pass it along in case it’s of interest.

  22. Toaster strudel heiress*

    What are your favourite films to watch when you feel rubbish? I’ve got a horrible cold / flu / chest infection thing and am enjoying the movie equivalent of comfort food, so would love to hear what your go-tos are.

    I like Mean Girls, Legally Blonde, Empire Records and Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.

    1. coffee cup*

      Clueless is always a winner. But if you like those ones, you’ve probably already seen it!

      1. Toaster strudel heiress*

        Oh I’ve seen it, but that’s not a problem! I’m trying to think of good ideas for familiar comforts rather than particularly wanting anything new.

        1. coffee cup*

          I know’s it’s a ‘kid’ film but Matilda is also really enjoyable when you’re ill, I find.

          Another of my go-to is the first Sex and the City film, but if you didn’t like the show you probably won’t like it. The second one is rubbish, but the first is good comfort watching, imo!

          My Best Friend’s Wedding is another oldie-but-goodie. Although I scared myself recently by watching it again and realising it had been over 20 years since the first time I saw it, as a teenager.

          1. Gatomon*

            I love kid films when I’m sick! They’re usually “feel-good” films, they are short, the plot is easy to follow/pick up again if you drift off for a bit and if you’ve seen it before, there’s a nostalgia bonus.

            1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

              I am also a kid movie person when I’m sick. The Last Unicorn was just my favorite movie for so many years that I’ll watch it regardless of whether or not I’m sick, but I’ll also dig out the first two Care Bears movies if I’m really sick and need something brainless yet upbeat to keep my three remaining brain cells busy. (The third Care Bears movie was not as good and I can’t believe I have actual opinions on the relative quality of Care Bears movies.)

    2. Washi*

      Aw, I haven’t seen Legally Blonde in forever! I’ll keep that in my back pocket for the next time I’m sick.

      I rewatch The Devil Wears Prada, Julie and Julia (mainly for the Julia parts), Crazy Stupid Love, and It’s Complicated.

      2. Ask a Manager* Post author

        I am convinced that It’s Complicated is fantasy escapism for children of divorce. At least it works that way for me — whenever I watch it, I find something so comforting about the idea of my parents briefly reuniting like Meryl Streep and Alec Baldwin in the movie, even though my parents had a terrible marriage (and also my dad is no longer around, so the logistics of this would be tricky).

        1. Ain’t Miss Behavin*

          I have to agree. My stepdaughter asked my husband if he wanted to watch it with her when it came out on DVD. This was around the time she was exhibiting a lot of other wishful thinking type behaviors. I’ve been with her dad since she was not quite two. She says she doesn’t remember her parents being together & doesn’t know anything different so she’s happy with the way things are. I read a LOT about how divorce affects kids as she was growing up, so I suspect that’s not totally accurate. Luckily we have a great relationship with her mom (although it wasn’t always that way) and I think that’s helped all of us.

          On the other hand, I grew up with my parents (mostly my dad) constantly mad at each other and giving the silent treatment. They stayed together until he died at 75 in 2013. I love(d) them both but I wouldn’t wish that on any kid. Took me until probably in my 40’s to overcome all the dysfunctional communication habits and insecurity from living in that household.

          Anyway, I totally see why that movie would bring up those feelings!

          1. Ain’t Miss Behavin*

            p.s. I, like you, have always been so fascinated with books and movies about families with dysfunctional dynamics. Have you ever seen August, Osage County? That just..spoke to me. I was obsessed with it for a long time.

            1. Ask a Manager* Post author

              Yes! That one was too dysfunctional for me even with my love of dysfunctional family stories! I think I handle it better in book form than in movie form though.

    3. Butter Makes Things Better*

      Ooh, great question! Lately, Crazy, Rich Asians (though the mahjong scene always makes me cry, so not great for colds), Limitless (peak Bradley Cooper), Overboard (’80s rom com with Goldie Hawn & Kurt Russell), and Crazy, Stupid Love (peak Gosling/Stone).

      1. Toaster strudel heiress*

        I haven’t seen Crazy Rich Asians and was a bit put off by the title / don’t know anything about it. Might have to reconsider!

        1. Anastasia Beaverhousen*

          It’s not ‘Crazy Rich Asians’ as in rich Asians who are crazy, but as in ‘crazy rich’. It’s actually a pretty sweet movie. A bit weird in places, but enjoyable.

      2. Thankful for AAM*

        Partner (Asian) and I love Crazy Rich Asians. Also, Love Actually is a fav for times like feeling sick.

    4. Seeking Second Childhood*

      I’m a fan of Big Trouble in Little China with Curt Russell & Kim Catrall, the 1990s Mummy with Brendan Fraser & Rachel Weisz. And My Cousin Vinny.
      Feel better soon!

    5. Foreign Octopus*

      The Martian is my comfort film. It’s got most things I love: space, Mars, impossible odds, a touch of humour, and Matt Damon’s face.

    6. alex b.*

      One of my favorite childhood memories is a time I got sick at school and the babysitter who picked me up rented us a movie from Blockbuster on the way home. She chose Fivel Goes West, which, fine– good movie but not exciting. BUT when we got to my house, the VHS inside the box was not what it was labeled and was instead The Addams Family (the Anjelica Huston/Raul Julia one). I was SO thrilled that I forgot about having thrown up in class. To this day, The Addams Family and The Addams Family Values are what I watch when sick.
      Hope you feel better soon!

    8. Marion Q*

      Morning Glory, in which Rachel McAdams is an executive producer hired to work on a failing morning show … And her solution is to force hire Harrison Ford, an anchorman who hates entertainment programs. And there’s Diane Keaton and Patrick Wilson too!

    9. WellRed*

      Pretty much anything with Sandra Bullock or Reese W for me. Hope Floats, Practical Magic.

      1. NewReadingGlasses*

        Oh yes, Practical Magic! Maybe I will watch that myself today ( I also have a cold starting, thanks to travel).

          1. NewReadingGlasses*

            Thanks, so far it’s just sniffles, but thanks to this thread I am PREPARED.

    11. IntoTheSarchasm*

      Chocolat, Return to Me, Practical Magic and the best movie ever, To Kill A Mockingbird. Sorry, not trying to start a fight but that movie is magical.

    12. Policy wonk*

      The Princess Bride.

      FYI on july 4th I make it a point to watch 1776. Not comfort for when you are sick, but consider watching it on Thursday.

      2. Grandma Mazur*

        Also, Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistlestop Cafe and How to Make an American Quilt.
        If you like old movies, Genevieve is lovely.

    16. OperaArt*

      Pleasantville. A modern teenager (Tobey Maguire) and his sister (Reese Witherspoon) get trapped in a 1950s TV show.

      1. Toaster strudel heiress*

        Surely that accolade goes to Truly Madly Deeply? Or Blow Dry which is so terrible that it’s wonderful.

        1. NewReadingGlasses*

          Truly Madly Deeply is great, but not when I’m sick. I haven’t seem Blow Dry, I will check it out! The synopsis sounds like it’s appalling and therefore I would like it.

          1. Toaster strudel heiress*

            It is wonderfully, fantastically appalling – Alan Rickman and Bill Nighy play rival hairdressers, in a hairdressing championship, in Yorkshire. It’s AWFUL and I love it so much haha.

            1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

              How have I never heard of this before? Now I need to talk one of my movie buddies into watching it with me…

    18. fposte*

      Have you seen The Big Sick? I find that highly rewatchable, which probably puts it in the right category.

      1. Parenthetically*

        Ah, it’s so cute! A surprise — I was expecting nothing and got a totally charming, interesting, funny movie night experience.

    19. Nessun*

      I watch two things when I’m sick: Gosford Park and bad horror movies. GP is my #1 fave of all time, and then watching trash people done in by campy villains makes a sore, tired, grumpy me amused. YMMV

      1. Parenthetically*

        Came here to say Gosford Park! I cannot tell you how many times I’ve seen it — many dozens, undoubtedly. I used to put it on just about every time I had a bunch of laundry to fold.

    21. Ain’t Miss Behavin*

      While You Were Sleeping (Sandra Bullock), An American President (Michael Douglas/Annette Benning (sp?)), Hot Fuzz (Simon Pegg), Monk (tv show)…I could go on but I’m terrible at remembering these things in the moment. I can never answer the “What’s your favorite movie/tv show” questions until a week later.

    22. jDC*

      The American President. Love Actually. Gone with the Wind (which I know many cannot sit through but my all time fav).

    24. MindOverMoneyChick*

      Clerks is great comfort watching for me. I get Kevin Smith isn’t for everyone, but I loved this,.

    25. kc89*

      I like the first sex and the city movie and trainwreck and bridesmaids

      my quite specific comfort movie formula is a female centric cast and the movie follows the characters for roughly a year and there is a happy beginning, sad/difficult middle, and happy ending

    26. Claire*

      Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day

      And recently watched (and re-watched), the Good Omens mini-series.

    28. Bluebell*

      Not sure if you can stream it anywhere but American Dreamer with JoBeth Williams is delightful. It’s from the mid80s and she’s a housewife who wins a contest and goes to Paris. Tom Conti is the love interest.

      1. Lilysparrow*

        I LOVE THIS MOVIE SO MUCH! I had to find the DVD on Amazon, it’s not on streaming AFAIK.

        The scene at the beginning where she’s trying to bring all the groceries & dry cleaning, and then makes the elaborate disaster dinner… let’s just say it makes me smile when my day is too much like that.

    29. Elizabeth West*

      Cartoon reruns rather than films. I can’t handle a whole movie storyline when I’m sick enough to just veg in front of the TV. That’s the only thing I miss about cable — endless SpongeBob rerun marathons on Nickelodeon. But Hulu has/had some of the Nicktoons, like Jimmy Neutron.

      1. Agent J*

        Omg I almost forgot about Jimmy Neutron. Thanks for inspiring my next binge-watching session.

      1. VlookupsAreMyLife*

        For sure, When Harry Met Sally!!!

        Also, The Princess Bride (mentioned upthread), Best in Show, and Good Will Hunting are all classic feel-good faves.

        Hope you feel better soon.

    32. only acting normal*

      One time I had flu I watched (I think season 6?) of Buffy *in random order*. I don’t know why random order, but there’s fevers for you.
      Comfort films for me used to be (as in VHS era ‘used to be’) “The Breakfast Club” and “Thelma and Louise”.
      Now I watch direct-to-video type horror films on Netflix or Prime. Or snooker – strangely soothing.

    33. Thrown into the fire new manager*

      A little late and more recent. Dumplin on Netflix in the states with Jennifer Aniston and Isn’t it Romantic with Rebel Williams and Liam Hemsworth…

      I didn’t expect to like either but both my daughter and I really liked them both

    34. Double A*

      10 Things I Hate About You! I watched this for my “bachelorette party” (me and two friends drinking strawberry champagne drinks and watching this movie).

      Dirty Dancing! I watched this when I was over 40 weeks pregnant and lounging around waiting for my daughter to get a move on. While Swayze didn’t inspire her to come any faster, it did make my wait a little better.

  23. Thankful for AAM*

    I’m traveling in Italy in August and realize I dont have any appropriate warm weather clothing, suggestions please!!

    This has been asked b4 and I’m looking at the suggestions for both types of dress and links to shops with not much luck so far.

    I actually live in Florida! but all my clothing is for air conditioned, indoor workspaces where I am usually cold. I really don’t own many clothes: I have 2 palazzo capris pants, a couple of work skirts – all in black – and a variety of colorful shell tops and flowy sweaters as cover ups. That is my work uniform. And I pretty much wear those or live in sweats on the weekend.

    I need a wardrobe makeover for both work and the trip!! I am thinking I need to add a few light cotton dresses for the trip but am not finding anything that works. These would work for my job as well, it is very casual.

    I am short, 5′, female, and rounder than I am comfortable with (I’ve gained weight). The being short seems to be the bigger issue bc maxi dresses seem all the rage and they are far too long. But the rounder waist also exacerbates my preexising cannot stand button waistband problem. My hip/waist proportion means any button waistband I can live with has the rest of the item swimming on me.

    I don’t like frilly or fitted. I want to be able to move but I don’t want to feel like I am wearing a tent.

    We will be doing a lot of walking and I found great sugestions in old threads here for thigh covering underwater to avoid chub rub. But I’m stuck on the types or sources for dresses – any suggestions for comfort and yet not a tent?

    Thanks!!

    1. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Have you looked at Holy Clothing for sundresses? I have two sleeveless from them that I can wear to work under a shortsleeved cardigan. Their rayon is the soft kind not the scratchy, and I have been told they’re looking at adding linen. (I hate humidity, don’t mind wrinkles , and linen breathes beautifully. )

        1. Seeking Second Childhood*

          Something else just popped into my mind — some tourist sites are cathedrals with dress code. Might be worth checking if bare shoulders need a shawl or wide scarf to cover them.
          (Can you tell I’ve got the urge to go myself?!)

    2. Ethyl*

      For dresses, I really like eShakti. They have a HUGE variety, and for an extra like $7-$8, you can send in your actual measurements and have the clothes custom tailored to you. I just quickly looked at the website and they have a ton of styles of summery flowy dresses — would a wrap dress work for your body type and comfort preferences?

      PS — For chub rub I really recommend Body Glide. My spouse and I both use it. You can find it easily on Amazon or your local running store. That way no special underpants are needed!

    3. legalchef*

      One of my favorite things right now are Old Navy swing dresses. They come in a variety of sleeve lengths (from sleeveless to long sleeved) and patterns/colors, and they are so soft and comfy, but still cute (at least I think so). And usually pretty cheap on sale/with a coupon.

      1. Alex*

        This was going to be my suggestion too. Old Navy often has a lot of simple, knit, loose-fitting dresses. I’m actually wearing a sleeveless one right now!

        I like to pair them with capri leggings on the weekend. This is my extra-comfy, no-fuss outfit for weekends and travel.

        (I find really cheap capri leggings at Primark, if you have one.)

      2. cat socks*

        I have multiple of the Old Navy swing dresses. Very comfortable for warm weather. I found a similar style of dress at Walmart.

        I also like the Lands End fit and flare dresses. I am 5’0″ and the petite length maxi dresses at Lands End aren’t too long.

      3. Engineer Girl*

        You can also find nice swing dresses at Macy’s.

        I found a very inexpensive but comfortable t shirt dress at Costco.

    4. Seeking Second Childhood*

      My phone or network did something weird and my extra suggestion unnested far below. Ultrashort version: Bring dark shoes for rainy days in red-clay regions.

    5. Ewesername*

      Not a dress option, but I bought a reversible skirt from etsy that I took to France this spring. It was nice to have the two options without taking up the extra space in my bag

    6. fposte*

      Lands’ End is also worth looking at for washable knit summer dresses, and they have a lot of petite sizing.

    7. Nerdgal*

      I live in Texas, have a very similar body type to you, and am fair skinned. Here is what I suggest:
      Loose linen trousers. I just got some from JC Penney that come in petite length. They are by Liz Claiborne.
      UPF50 shirts from Columbia. Not available in petite as far as I know, but they have roll tab sleeves.
      Moisture wicking exercise tank tops from Old Navy.
      TravelSmith dresses. I have the black shirtsleeves one in petite length. I wear it everywhere with a couple different scarves and necklaces.
      Enjoy your trip!

      1. Ethyl*

        I’m a larger lady with a lot of mass in my butt and thighs (former cyclist, current powerlifter), and Liz Claiborne pants are THE BEST.

    8. Auntie Social*

      Look online for capsule wardrobe India, then go to photos. These clothes work for anywhere in Europe, I found. My cobbled-together pieces came from Talbots (lots of sage on sale right now), JCP, Chico’s, Nordstrom, and ebay. Nordy’s and JCP for the shoes. I took this it all to Italy and got so many compliments. Threw on olive safari jacket for the plane. Have fun!!

    9. Ra94*

      My mom has a similar figure to you, and I wonder if a tea-length or knee-length A-line skirt, maybe floral or with a print, would suit? Paired with a soft shell top or tee in cotton or silk or linen, it looks really classy, keeps you supremely cool, and will feel quite Italian chic. I really like Asos because they have a ton of sizes, including petite, and you can filter by size + style + keyword + color and still find a million options. I’m thinking of something like this, in whatever length works:
      https://us.asos.com/asos-design/asos-design-midi-skirt-with-box-pleats-in-navy-floral-print/prd/11447697?clr=navy-floral&colourWayId=16337808&SearchQuery=floral%20midi%20skirt

      https://us.asos.com/asos-design/asos-design-color-block-pleated-midi-skirt-in-scuba/prd/11989924?CTAref=We+Recommend+Carousel_3&featureref1=we+recommend+pers

    10. TPS Report Coversheet*

      Well, Italy supposedly being the place where all the fashion styles come from, why don’t you fly in something comfy and then go on a shopping spree once you get there? Could be fun.

      1. jolene*

        I live part time in Italy and unless you are close to a Marina Rinaldi store (in major cities only), do *not* assume you will find sizes to fit the body type described.

    11. Owler*

      If you like supporting small, independent companies, you might enjoy the tunic dresses from a brand called Nuu-Muu. They are billed as exercise dresses, but they are great layering pieces for travel because they are quick dry and SPF rated. From a woman-owned business in Washington. There’s even a Facebook fan group where women share pictures and stories about work, travel, and fun stuff they do in a Nuu.

  24. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

    Can you sew? A new hem on a maxi dress would be quite easy, if the waist works.

      1. Thankful for AAM*

        Thanks! I cannot sew but I have had things altered and they always warn me that they are cutting so much off the overall look/proportion will be odd. Maybe not with a maxi dress tho.

        1. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

          If the torso fits, shortening the skirt shouldn’t be a problem. Most maxi skirts are basically tubes, so you can chop a bit off the bottom easily. The proportion will be different of course, since you’re reducing one dimension but not the other. But the proportions will then be your proportion, which should look good on you.

          Altering hem length is generally pretty easy. Were these skirts you had tailored before? Did they have complicated fabric shapes?

  25. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

    Good grief, this has been an unlucky and stressful year. Nothing catastrophic has happened, thankfully, but just lots of little things adding up:

    My wife and I taking turns getting colds for basically one-third of the year so far. Getting injured and being unable to run for awhile.
    Appliances failing.
    Work being stressful for both of us.

    So we took a vacation to try to decompress, and we did… and promptly had car trouble on the way home. About 30 miles into a 250 mile trip, I noticed the engine was a little louder than it should have been while accelerating. The problem gradually got worse and worse and it soon became obvious that our muffler had completely failed. Being on roads going through the middle of nowhere and kind of anxious to get home… we kept driving. We made it home, but my car sounds like an air raid siren and I’m terrified to even drive it to the shop (all of four tenths of a mile from our home). I’m even more terrified to find out the damage… I’ve read that it’s possible to do severe engine damage driving without a functioning muffler, and I drove it over 200 miles at highway speed. Gulp.

    1. Rebecca*

      I don’t know about today’s cars, but when I was a teenager people would take off mufflers completely and run a straight pipe, or glass pack them or use other things to make them as loud as possible. But, admittedly, this was in the late 1970’s early 1980’s, and not too much in the way of electronics and no computers, we’re talking carbs, distributor caps, fuel pump, and that’s about it by way of getting fuel into the engine. Headers were popular, too, the louder the better, along with ear splitting speaker systems in the back. Good times!!

      But to your issue – if your muffler has holes, etc. that could account for those sounds – call the shop and see if they could come get it for a reasonable cost if they’re the ones going to do the work. Many shops around here have flatbeds or towtrucks, or do you know someone with a car trailer and pickup truck that could help you out?

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        If you have AAA they’ll come to your house and tow you to a station. Not sure if other roadside service contracts do the same, or even if all AAA regions work the same. But we did it a while back when a dead battery turned out to be a bigger problem.

        1. Clisby*

          Second AAA. It’s worth every penny. Besides car help, a lot of hotels give AAA discounts. Probably not expensive, destination type hotels, but hotels along the interstates.

      2. anon24*

        My car is a 2000 Honda, it hasn’t had a muffler for several years. They are expensive and rust out quickly. I didn’t want to pay for a new one when my old one fell apart so I (literally haha) ripped the old one off and ran a straight pipe. Its been fine and I get way better fuel mileage.

        I don’t know your car but I’m betting if you made it this far without doing damage you’ll be fine getting it to the shop. You can call and ask them before you drive.

        I hope your car is ok and I hope things get better for you!

        1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

          Thanks… I kind of feel the same, that any damage I did is already done, so driving it literally four blocks on Monday shouldn’t make a difference at this point. I’m more afraid of waking up my entire neighborhood, or of the car backfiring when I start it and blowing a hole into the car behind me! But honestly, the car was running normally on the way home yesterday aside from the EXTREME amount of noise. There was no check engine light and no loss of gas mileage. So I suspect I’m being my typical anxious self.

          1. Rebecca*

            I used to love it when my 1975 Pontiac backfired – but then again, it was hopped up, headers, etc. and was one of those “wake up the neighborhood” cars if I wanted it to be. Please let us know what you discover!!

            1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

              A 1975 Firebird — how cool! I grew up with a 1977 Chevrolet Impala station wagon. It had the same engine that the Corvette or top-of-the-line Camaros did back in the day and WOW, when that engine backfired, they could hear it in the next neighborhood over.

              Hopefully I’ll have a happy (or at least relieved) update next weekend. My car is at the age (12 years old) and mileage (85K) where anything can go at any time. We’re just relieved that, even though it was incredibly nerve wracking and murder on my ears to drive a car without a functioning muffler, that it wasn’t something that would have immobilized the car (an alternator, a water pump, a belt that decided to snap, Lord only knows what else).

              1. Rebecca*

                My work car is a 19 year old Saturn, with 65K miles and “1970’s” air conditioning, like you crank down the window! I just keep fixing whatever is wrong with it, it costs a few hundred a year to keep it on the road, and it gets 35 MPG most of the time. Keeping good thoughts for you!

                1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

                  My first car was a 1996 Saturn! I didn’t get as good mileage as you, it was so slow that I needed a prayer to be able to merge onto a highway, and parts kept falling off. By the time I got rid of it, it seemed as if half the car was being held up by duct tape — including the bumper and at least one of the rear windows. But that thing was basically indestructible. In 13 years, it started EVERY time I turned the key, minus a single blown alternator. It also was unstoppable in the snow, better than the all wheel drive vehicle I drive now! I kind of miss that thing.

        2. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

          Ha! My old car, also a 2000 Honda, didn’t have a muffler either. Well, it still had one, just not actually connected (the pipe rusted through). No damage to the car. I hated the noisiness, but liked the that the deer heard me coming.

      3. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        Rebecca, I love your posts. The car I drive, a 12 year old Honda CR-V with a four cylinder engine, DEFINITELY would not be helped by glass packs or straight pipes. My wife and I were joking that the car sounded like one of those tin cans from The Fast and The Furious, minus any of the power.

    2. frockbot*

      If it makes you feel any better, my mother once had to drive her old Honda Civic from work to home, and then from home back to the mechanic, all while the muffler was dangling by a single screw and literally dragging on the ground. The muffler had to be replaced, but all else was fine. Best of luck to you and your Honda! :)

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        Oof! That’s dangerous, since the muffler was probably sparking as it scraped the ground. My muffler is definitely intact, but I guess something inside it failed, or maybe a hole opened up inside it. Thanks for the good luck!

    3. TPS Report Coversheet*

      I think if the muffler had dropped off it would have triggered some engine light as there is a sensor in the catalytic converter. Not sure if it feeds back to the injection, but it surely lights up on the dash. Could be just a blown hole or a joint in the exhaust pipe. A new catalytic converter will cost a bit, exhausts otherwise are pretty cheap as long as generic bits fit.

      I gave up on cars in the 80’s and these days you don’t even know what is under the lid as its all covered in plastic. I had an 86 Pontiac LeMans and drove it until 2010, these days I’m a bus wanker.

      1. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

        I knocked a piece off the catalytic converter years ago and it was a $1500 repair… to be fair, it was one of the few repairs I’ve needed with this car in nine years. I’m hoping that’s not it! The check engine light didn’t come on then, either, even though the car was noisy and the gas mileage dropped. It makes me wonder if the check engine light even is working properly. That’s contributing to my nerves. (It does light up as it should, along with all the other lights, when I start the engine.)

        I’m a Luddite in general, but I’m not a fan of how technologically advanced cars have become. I sure don’t miss carburetors, though.

  26. Mammo-anon*

    So it turns out I was optimistic when I posted last week about getting through my first mammo. I’ve since had an ultrasound and am now scheduled for a biopsy of a 1.1cm mass. They talked like *of course* it’s benign, but I heard the same thing when I had thyroid cancer. Anyone been through this or have advice to get through the next 4 weeks? This was so far off the radar.

    2. Quandong*

      I’m glad you went to the mammogram even though you now have further investigations to go through. I went through this in 2011 and am fine now after successful treatment, and the mass was a very similar size to yours.

      The times of waiting are really hard – so, as you would probably have done with thyroid cancer, do whatever it takes to get through the next few weeks.

      Lean on Team You, distract yourself if you need distraction. If you have a therapist ask them to help you, and if you don’t, seek out a therapist if you would like to add one to your team. You might also like to check out internet support groups for people in your situation, or what support is offered by big organizations in your country for those affected by definite diagnoses.

      I found the waiting times surreal and time passed in weird ways, but keeping up with my regular routines and work definitely helped. Of course my sleep wasn’t great! And I was more cranky and moody! But I didn’t try to force myself to be okay and I think that helped too.

      Eventually the waiting does pass, and there will be a result from your biopsy, and future you will handle it, even it the news is not what you wanted.

      Sending internet hugs if you’d like them.

    3. Kuododi*

      Oh my dear. I posted a bit earlier this am about having had my breast biopsy yesterday. (I had endometrial cancer back in ’96) You are definitely in my thoughts during this time. Personally, I made sure to limit the number of people IRL who knew the situation to those who I knew would be a positive source of support. (DH, little sister, best girlfriend etc) I also have been conscious to do nurturing things for myself to keep the spirits up. (ie- reading good books, listen to good music, easy exercise to keep the blood moving). It goes without saying that I have spent a lot of quality time with my silly dogs. Grace and peace to you. You are in my heart.

      1. Mammo-anon*

        I saw your post, so peace to you as well. Your nurturing tips are exactly what I like to do.

    4. PharmaCat*

      I also went through the “of course its benign.” But it wasn’t. Hugs to you, practice plenty of self-care.

    5. Asenath*

      Take your time and be positive. First time I had a biopsy, the lump was benign, bu tbased on the reaction of the staff, I was certain a second biopsy some years later on a second spot would reveal cancer, and I was right. But it wasn’t the end of the world – I initially panicked a bit, but I had good medical care, and they kept me informed – and I read voraciously and asked questions, which is my way of dealing with new situations.

      Remind yourself that a great many biopsies reveal that the lump is benign. And even it it isn’t, they’ve made great advances in cancer treatment. Some cancers are much less dangerous than others, and some treatments are much less unpleasant than others – I’ve had a lumpectomy, radiation and continuing treatment with letrozole (all of which I responded to well) and now have a good prognosis. So it’s not unreasonable to focus on possible positive outcomes.

      Be prepared for lots of tests – if it is cancer, the medical team need to get as much information as possible to design your treatment. I was surprised at how tailored it was to the individual it was.

      Talk with non-medical people to the extent you feel comfortable – initially, I limited such talk to my closest friends and relatives; once I started treatment, I told my immediate co-workers, and I didn’t deal with support groups although I devoured “The Intelligent Patient’s Guide to Breast Cancer”, which was supplied by the Canadian Cancer Society to breast cancer patients. Revealing medical conditions is a very personal choice, of course.

      But it might not be cancer at all. So many biopsies reveal that the mysterious lump is benign. So take care of yourself and try not to worry – easier said than done, I know!

      1. Mammo-anon*

        I am being as positive as I can. After all, freaking out will not change the outcome of the biopsy. I haven’t told anyone yet IRL.

        1. Venus*

          It’s likely not going to help your stress, but remember that the mass was there whether you were tested or not. Discovering it at this stage is by far the best thing you could have done!

    6. Wishing You Well*

      I’ve read 90% of breast lumps are benign. Keep thinking good thoughts and treat yourself very kindly as you walk through the next 4 weeks. Try to do some things that you’ll be glad you did during the time.
      Sending good thoughts your way.

    7. My Brain Is Exploding*

      Lots of good ideas here already! You may feel like doing NOTHING, or you may be anxious and jumpy. What worked for me when dealing with a loved one and not knowing if there would be travel/caregiving/etc (just as you don’t know if there will be treatment, etc.) was to do All The Things around the house. Catch up on laundry and mending, clean, make some freezer meals, clean out the closet and take stuff to charity, and so on. So if I had to leave, things around the house were in good shape, and if I didn’t, then I had accomplished a lot! So sorry you have to go thru this. I’ll be thinking of you.

    8. Not A Manager*

      I’m sorry you’re going through this. Here are things that have worked for me in the past, waiting for medical news:

      Don’t speculate. (This was advice from a friend who is both a cancer surgeon and a cancer survivor.) Your doctors aren’t withholding a “verdict” from you right now, they are gathering information. They can’t diagnose you with incomplete information, and neither can you.

      Make a plan. This varies by person, but if you’re a planner, thinking a little bit about what you would do if you needed treatment and how you would address logistical concerns can make you feel less helpless. And then once you do have a plan, try to stop chewing it over. Tell yourself that either you’ll need the plan, or you won’t need the plan.

      Enforce boundaries. Illness, anxiety, incomplete information, etc. can have a very weird effect on other people. If you have an intuition that trusting someone with your medical information might be unsafe for you, believe that intuition. It’s okay if you don’t loop them in immediately or if you don’t tell them everything. Similarly, if someone surprises you with an unhelpful response, don’t let your own sense of social or relational responsibility get in the way of shutting them down. You don’t have to comfort other people, you don’t have to listen to their advice, you don’t have to tell them everything just because you told them something.

      Be nice to yourself. I used to promise myself a little treat at the end of each day. It made a big difference to have something to look forward to.

      Best wishes for a good outcome. If your doctors are telling you that there is a good chance that this is benign, then try to believe them. Scans can definitely turn up a whole lot of nothing, which is why we all have to play these difficult waiting games.

      1. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

        +1 to all of these. You already have much great advice, just know that you have support and internet hugs from all corners here. Many of us have been here and are waiting to stand along side you. My first two lumps were benign. (Haven’t had a new lump yet but dense tissue…)… And things have gotten so much better on the medical options since my first one. Rooting for you.

        1. Mammo-anon*

          Thank you, dense tissue here too. I guess that makes it harder to feel/detect? I’m very small so assumed this would have been easier to detect.

  27. A Nonny Mouse*

    This may be too work-related, but I missed yesterday’s thread. I am potentially relocating to a city 7 hours away (driving). We have relocated between states and across country for school and work before, but not for 18 years, and never with a kid. Choosing a neighborhood seems so much more high stakes this time, since my daughter is 15 and I don’t want to make a mistake and move her between schools a second time. Any tips for doing this long distance with a kid who has lived her entire life in the same house? We checked out a few neighborhoods when I had an interview last week, but yeesh, this is tough! I think it is compounded by the stress in the last few months of wrapping up my PhD and job searching. My brain feels tapped out.

    1. Alice*

      I don’t know about choosing a neighborhood – but congratulations on finishing your PhD!

    2. Aspiring Chicken Lady*

      Does your kid have any extracurriculars that you could leverage? Maybe talking to the school swim coach or a local music school to chat them up about what they offer could also result in leads about neighborhoods that you’ll feel at home in … and where kiddo can make friends.
      It’s more than just what houses look like or whatever.
      And maybe kiddo can do some of the research…

      1. Seeking Second Childhood*

        Kid doing her own research sounds like a way to generate enthusiasm. She could look online for towns with the best parks & pools, an active fandom community, a music scene…
        I would suggest one thing I missed when we moved — with a kid approaching driving age, avoid blind driveways.

      2. A Nonny Mouse*

        Sadly, her chosen sport does not have a big presence in that area – no high school teams only clubs are about. 30-45 minutes drive away.

        We are trying to get her involved in research and exploring, but being 15, she is less than enthusiastic about anything we suggest, lol.

    3. Ali G*

      Are you working with a Realtor? They should be able to get you all kinds of info on schools.

      1. A Nonny Mouse*

        We got a red for a realtor, but as soon as we said we were anticipating having to rent for a few months, the relationship was super chilly. Plus they gave us inaccurate info on the schools. I think they are used to working with younger, wealthier clients who buy in the hot spots of the city. So if anyone has a realtor in Portland, ME they like, please let me know.

    4. jDC*

      I hate to say this but be prepared for a lot of teenage anger. We just did it and good lord I need a vacation. Hawaii, 20 days. Counting.

    5. KR*

      As for moving house, make kid excited about the new room. Let them choose a paint color, new bedding, maybe some new accessories/whatever you do to decorate. This is her opportunity to move from her kid room to a fresh ~adult~ room and that might be fun. Bring her on house hunting trips. Ask her opinion and involve her in the buying process.

    6. Bennett*

      Maybe check out the Niche website? They provide a lot of information on neighborhoods and schools–rankings in different categories, reviews from people, etc. Involve your daughter in the process to the extent that makes sense. Try to find local facebook groups or other websites where you can pick other parents’ brains.

    7. Torrance*

      Depending on how resilient your daughter is &/or how much of a support system she has where you currently live, are you open to the idea/possibility of her staying with friends & family and visiting you in your new home on holidays, summers, & the occasional weekend? It might not be possible but it’s a common option so I wanted to put it out there.

      1. A Nonny Mouse*

        We have friends that have done that, but it was clear from our daughter’s reaction that it would never be an option.

    8. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      My dad had a lower-stakes home buying thing when I was about that age (he divorced my mother and bought his own home, where I’d live on some weekends). What he did was to narrow it down to three houses that he’d be happy with and then show me those 3 for my opinion so I had a stake in which house he bought but didn’t have the chance to fall in love with something totally unsuitable. (I ended up picking the house that had the biggest second bedroom so I could have my own office space in my room, which worked out really well when I ended up moving in with him full time for grad school later. I remember nothing about the other two houses now except that one of them still had people living in it and they had dachshunds, so I really don’t remember how much variety there was between the three houses.)

      Of course, that was in a housing market where you could apparently take your time and do things like that. When I went to buy a house on my own a few years back it DEFINITELY wasn’t the kind of market where that would work since you needed to put in offers the same day you saw the house and would get outbid a lot. No idea if the market wherever you’re moving would work for that strategy or not.

      You should find out what you can about how schools work in your new city. Some places have a lot of magnet schools within a larger school district and your kid may or may not have chance to apply to one of those as a non-freshman, so depending on how all of that aligns school may be fairly decoupled from neighborhood at the high school level. Others everyone may go to their neighborhood school or may have many tiny school districts in each suburb so boundary lines really matter. Still others almost everyone sends their kid to private schools, in which case boundary lines don’t matter but the budget impact is something to keep in mind and public transit routes between home and school become key instead.

      Realize also that your kid will presumably be moving out in a very few years for college or general adult life, so you may not want to buy a house based around what will work for less than 4 years of the time you plan to have a high school student living there. Think about how that house will work for you after your kid is at college.

    9. Cartographical*

      Let your kiddo help with all the research, for starters. And this is the time to get good at your Facebook creeping — don’t just check out the schools, check out their FB pages, the pages of any associated organizations, and so on. Check the local newspapers for articles on the positive and negative things happening in various neighbourhoods and schools; our local paper was a big help when we were deciding if and where to move just in our city.

      Other things that have mattered a lot to us are things like the local bylaws — noise restrictions, what animals are allowed in backyards, mosquito and ragweed abatement, whether or not you can hang your laundry outside, etc. Nothing like moving and then having half a dozen chickens move in next door. A 24hr/day noise reduction bylaw, traffic calming initiatives, bike trails and bike lanes, a new dog park, and disability-friendly crosswalks have made our lives very much more pleasant where we are now.

      Given your child’s age, you’ll want to keep an eye on things like “walkability” scores, bike trails, public transportation, gyms and swimming pools, and even future volunteer and job opportunities. Fifteen is that age where they’re really striking out on their own but aren’t quite ready to be tooling around in a car in the next two years, so they’ll need to get around safely. Checking out local community college campuses is also a good idea, not every kid goes away to university and we were frustrated by a couple colleges that were absolutely in commuting distance (under half an hour) but with no bus service from here to there.

    11. AnOtterMouse*

      One more place to look for tips on neighborhoods: parents in many communities near me have facebook groups for parenting issues, and welcome people who are moving there to inquire about schools and other features of the various neighborhoods. I’d check there!

  28. Sleepless Night*

    What’s the time period for getting a new mattress, or do you go by physical comfort? I’ve had my mattress since moving out of my parents house 4-5 years ago. I’ve been having lower back pain the last month or so but just thought it was my uncomfortable work chair. I just spent the last week house sitting for a friend, sleeping on their comfortable mattress, with no back pain. Now I’ve had two night back in my own bed and the pain is back.

    Growing up, my family kept mattresses until they were really thoroughly dead but this is making me wonder if a new mattress would heal with my back pain. It’s a lot of money but would be worth it for no pain. Thoughts?

    1. coffee cup*

      Weirdly, I’ve been thinking the same thing. I’ve had mine for 6 years and I thought it was like 8–10 years till you needed a new one, but mine definitely isn’t as supportive now. I’ve been considering a new one, too. I would think if you can link your pain to that in any way then you’re better off investing in a new one to ease that. Bed should be comfy!

    2. Alice*

      My aunt said, “this mattress is fine” for 30+ years – this four-inch-thick foam pad. Then I finally ordered a mattress and snuck it in (keeping the old one in case she really didn’t like the new). She LOVES it and can’t believe she waited so long. She sleeps better and has fewer leg cramps while sleeping (not sure if the second one is connected). Happy to tell you the brand if you are interested.

    3. Jellyfish*

      100% worth the money! My mattress was old but comfortable, and I didn’t connect it to my increasing back pain for a while.
      Then we bought one of those Quilbed mattresses and my back pain vanished entirely in about a week. We’ve had that bed for a little over a year now, and it’s been so good for my back.

    4. Marzipan*

      I don’t know about where you are, but where I live lots of mattress companies have a money back thing if you find you don’t get on with their mattress. So, it may be not too much of a leap in the dark to get a new one!
      (Personally, I am perversely uncomfortable on good mattresses and only really get on with my awful ancient one.)

    5. Anastasia Beaverhousen*

      I would go by physical comfort. If you’re experiencing back pain, try a new one – keeping in mind there are many different mattress kinds, and you might do better with an entirely different *type* of mattress.

      A lot of mattress companies will have a “trial period”, usually a few months, where if you don’t like it you can return it for a full refund, so it’s not as much of a risk as you might think. In my experience this tends to be doubly true for the online companies selling memory foam/latex mattresses, which often are delivered straight to your door, rolled up, in a box. Very convenient -and mine is super-comfortable and very supportive.

    6. Seeking Second Childhood*

      Also check the bed frame itself. The center leg on mine often bends if the bed gets moved and I often find out about kid-dad roughhousing sessions when I get an aching back from the saggy bed. (I’m on my third Rube Goldberg solution and starting to think about just replacing the bed.)

      1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

        We have a cheap-ish bed frame that originally did not have a center leg at all. I bought a furniture leg and put it in the middle, plus put a piece of scrap plywood that I needed a home for over the slats where most of our weight rests. It has helped a lot.

    7. Alex*

      I dealt with a mattress that was causing me back pain for years because it wasn’t “old enough” to replace.

      But then I just had enough and did it and I’m so glad I did. Pain-free is priceless.

      I don’t really think it was the age of the mattress, it just was a crappy mattress to begin with!

    8. Penguin*

      The industry standard is (apparently!) to design mattresses to last for seven years. Obviously there’s going to be variation and stuff (flipping/rotating your mattress every six months can help prolong its useful life, for example) but if the mattress is approximately that old it’s probably time to start looking at new ones.

    9. A Simple Narwhal*

      A good mattress can make such a difference in your life!

      If you’re open to suggestions, I have the Tuft & Needle Mint mattress, and it is absolutely amazing. I was apprehensive about buying a mattress online, but my fears were totally unfounded. They also have a great return policy if needed and their customer service is fantastic.

    10. Old Biddy*

      I don’t move around a lot when I’m asleep, so I’ve gotten 10 years out of high quality mattresses and then decide I need something softer. A poor quality one was shot after less than two years but I stupidly kept it another two years.
      The first 10 year mattress got replaced when I hit 40 and realized I needed a softer mattress (it was super firm and is still going strong in the guest bedroom). The second one was/is still ok-ish but once again I wanted something a bit softer as I approached 50.

    11. Not So NewReader*

      When I bought my mattress the sales person said that mattresses are lasting about 10 years now. ugh. I had a Sealy from the 70s that was still going strong. I had to part with it because of lack of space and because I took it for granted that mattresses were fairly UNchanged from the past.

      I can’t flip my new mattress but I can rotate it head to toe. Have you tried flipping and/or rotating?

      You might want to make note of what brand/type your friend had as you mull this one. I had another S brand that I kept for way too long and I never did “learn” to like it.

      1. Filosofickle*

        So annoying that modern mattresses can’t be flipped! If you sleep alone, you can’t really use the “whole” mattress w/o flipping or at least changing sides regularly. I felt like I was only using two quadrants. Now there’s two of us sharing (yay!), but I’d still like to flip since we have different weights/body types which is creating uneven wear. I also insist on flippable/rotatable couch cushions, so apparently this is one of my things.

        The old innerspring mattresses were a lot less cushy, but they easily lasted 10+ years. The new ones? I feel like I’ll be lucky to get 5 or 6 out of what I have, and this one cost me almost $1500 all in.

    12. Llellayena*

      I believe mattresses are supposed to be replaced every 10 years, but don’t wait that long if you’re dealing with pain. Usually your first mattress is a budget version (first job level budget) so replacing it sooner than 10 years would make sense. Short term, try putting a small pillow between/under your knees when you sleep. It changes the curve of your spine and might relieve some of the pain.

    13. jDC*

      Time to get a new one. Perhaps the issue isn’t age so much as it isn’t the mattress for you. There is no limit to what I’d spend on a mattress other than my actual budget haha. It is so important. I also would ask your friend exactly her mattress so you can look into those. I ended up with a Beauty Rest after a week at a Westin and loving them. Haven’t gone back although they have different price levels so last time I got a slightly better one. I actually try to stay at Westin’s just so i don’t have a week of back pain after. Hyatt’s are trying to kill my back, I am sure of it. My husband loves them though. We really need a Sleep Number bed.

    14. Lilysparrow*

      The useful life of a mattress depends on how well made it was to begin with, how heavy you are, and how it’s cared for.

      If you don’t do this regularly, have you tried flipping and/or rotating it? You might get a little more life out of it this way. But if it’s hurting your back, it’s time to replace.

    15. Kuododi*

      For years, DH and I delt with mattresses the way we delt with our cars. (Drive them til the wheels fall off, then put the wheels back on and drive longer.). We decided one Christmas season to invest in a Tempurpedic (sp?) mattress and it was definitely worth the $$. It sounds as if you are past time to replace the mattress. Best regards.

    16. jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj*

      If replacing the mattress isn’t an option, you can buy a memory foam topper. The thickness of the topper will dictate the price, but you can probably find one +/- $100.

    17. Elizabeth West*

      Lower back pain was the first sign for me that my old bed needed replacing. If you were fine when sleeping elsewhere and now the pain is back, that’s probably the culprit. It’s definitely worth it. Sleep is important, and a mattress that isn’t supporting you properly won’t give you quality rest.

    18. fhqwhgads*

      It depends on the mattress. Some are only good for 5-6 years, others are designed to last more like 10. If yours is feeling worn out it’s totally reasonable to replace it.

  29. Alice*

    I’m thinking of buying a house soon, and it’s unlikely that it will align exactly with the end of my lease. So, I’m interested in your experiences breaking a lease.

    For context: I rent on a big building, 100+ units, with a management company, including a full-time on-site leasing agent. I live in a state where the landlord has to make an effort to find a new tenant (in theory – not sure what happens in practice).
    Thank you!

    1. Jellyfish*

      Check your lease and see what it says first. If you’re within the first year, many contracts will demand that you pay the full year’s rent plus a lease breaking fee. If you’ve been there longer, your odds of getting some flexibility seem to go up. Sometimes those big companies can be very rigid about making you pay out though.

      I think many landlords understand that house buying can’t be held to an exact timeline and are willing to let you go month-to-month if you give sufficient notice. It’s worth asking about.

      Good luck!

      1. Alice*

        Sorry, when I told Cows Go Moo I had read my lease I meant to say that to you. There’s no lease breaking fee (first year or renewals) – TBH I’ve never had one of those in a lease, at least not one that you’d pay _in addition_ to the rent for the balance of the contract. I guess my specific concern is, what incentive does the landlord have to comply with the legal requirement in my state to take reasonable steps to find a new tenant.
        But I am interested to hear all kinds of experiences.

        1. Zephy*

          I haven’t rented very many places (one apartment from a private owner via Craigslist, one house owned by a property management company via a realtor), and maybe the laws differ by state or municipality, but I haven’t heard anything about the landlord having to take reasonable steps to find a new tenant. Or, at least, it hasn’t affected me as the outgoing tenant? I just notified the landlord/PMC ~60 days before the lease was up that I would not be renewing and would be moved out by [date]. Like, the landlord can’t…detain you and force you to keep living there until they find someone, if that’s what you’re worried about??

          2. ainomiaka*

            no, but depending on laws and your lease they might be able to require you to keep paying rent

        2. jDC*

          With a big company it is likely it’ll be rented out fast. They fill as demand appears so you have that on your side. Can you ask them their currently occupancy? My lease stated three months rent or until we rent it out, choose one. I asked their occupancy and it was high so I chose until they rented it out and it took two weeks.

          1. Clisby*

            Mine was similar, except I think it was a max of two months or until they rented it out. This was in a popular beach community, so we had to pay only one month extra. If you have a competent property manager, in a case like this they’re going to get on the ball and get a new renter as soon as possible, to keep up the income stream.

    2. Cows go moo*

      Landlord perspective here. I had a former tenant break lease then have all sorts of tantrum when I asked her to pay the contractual fee for breaking lease. She is a wealthy woman and could afford it, she just didn’t want to. Eventually she accepted she had to pay. She asked me if she could skip on paying if I could find another tenant within x weeks (which I did) but I still required the full breaking fee because after dealing with her drama I was not in a charitable mood at all.

      If she had explained her situation and asked for some leniency I would have looked at maybe halving the break fee or some kind of reasonable compromise. So moral of the story: be prepared to stick to your contractual obligations and ask very nicely if you want your landlord to do you a favour and not enforce the terms of your lease agreement.

      1. Alice*

        Thanks for sharing your perspective.
        Yes, I have read my lease carefully each year – that’s how I noticed the cover letter referred to a rider I’d never signed; apparently they reused a boilerplate letter.
        Happily I’ve been able to have a productive relationship without drama or tantrums on either side, even when both elevators were broken for a week in a high-rise and when an advertised amenity turned out to be 10 months late in opening.

    3. Ali G*

      Keep in mind some people need to “rent back” for a period of time after close. It’s not typical in my experience, for people to me moved out at close and the place ready for move in (obviously sometimes they are already moved out). So the fact that you don’t need to move in right away could be attractive to sellers.
      Also if you can afford it, it’s nice to have your rental so you don’t have to move right away. When I bought my first place, I had a month left on my lease and it was great because the place needed to be painted, new floors, etc. and I was able to do all that before I moved in. Also, it made moving less stressful because I could do it gradually.

      1. Alice*

        You make some good points, thanks. I’m not looking for a fixer upper, but there could definitely be some little things I want to get done before I move in. Luckily I can afford to pay for two for a while.

        1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

          If you can afford it, it’s also nice to pay for your new place to be really, really nicely cleaned by professionals. I had to cheap out on parts of that (I paid someone to do most of it but did some parts myself), but it’s one thing to go for if you’re able to pay for two places at once. I also wish I’d repainted myself. The new place had been painted recently and didn’t “need” repainting, but I’m finding lots of little cut corners and lack of attention to detail in the paint job that make me wish I’d re-done it myself.

    4. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      Your mileage may vary because it sounds like the housing market is not so hot where you are… but my wife and I have each broken a lease once before — in both cases, about three months before it was due to lapse — and neither of us had a problem.

      My wife’s landlord took it graciously and let her leave on basically a week’s notice, without a penalty — but she didn’t get her security deposit back.

      My landlord asked for 60 days notice, which I was able to give. I got my security deposit back and there were no penalties whatsoever. (The fact that I lived in a rent stabilized apartment, was a longtime tenant, and now they could raise the rent of my apartment 20% according to city laws may have had something to do with that!)

      I can’t predict your situation, but I suspect it may not be as awful as you might imagine. If it’s a large management company, they might very well deal with this frequently. Good luck!

    5. Kuododi*

      DH and I had to break the lease when we were moving from GA to SC. Thankfully, our former landlord was very willing to work with us. She SD since we were such good tenants (never missed a rent payment, never caused a bunch of drama over repairs and maintenance) she would end the lease early in exchange for the security deposit and if we would spring for the carpet cleaning. (Needless to say DH and I were only too happy to take her offer.)

    6. Overeducated*

      My lease requires 60 days notice and 2 months rent as a lease breaking fee. I anticipate they will make us pay this fee even if we find a new tenant or subletter to complete the lease, as the management company has been extremely inflexible about everything in the last year (e.g. we’re “month to month,” asked to re-sign for a year and start in July or August since we might need to move before the next school year starts, they said they had to apply the full 60 day notice to end our month to month tenancy so lease couldn’t start until September. Even though we’re not moving in or out, and they gave us the paperwork the same day.)

    7. Gatomon*

      I’m dealing with this right now. My landlord owns 3 complexes – mine is the smallest at ~80 units but the others are 300+.

      My landlord will let you go month-to-month, but they charge an additional $200/month on top of whatever the renewal rate was. If yours won’t let you do that, you’ll have to time your move carefully. Typically they can’t charge you rent for an apartment AND another person for that same unit, so sometimes you can offer a financial “incentive” to encourage a new tenant to take over a lease or lease that particular unit. Some places will allow a new tenant to assume the remainder of the lease, others will create a new lease for that person and charge you for breaking lease. It comes down to what is in your lease, what your local laws are and how the landlord operates. Your landlord may be required to advertise the unit, but they probably don’t have to go above and beyond what they normally do.

      Something to keep in mind – you may need to have a backup plan if you can’t move in right away. I’m due to close in 2 weeks, but the place I’m buying has mold that needs to be cleaned up. The inspection was late because this is the busy season and no one could get in sooner. Of course now no one can get in to fix the mold before closing, so I’m waiting right now to see if the sellers will give me a credit towards the cost to fix it. If not I’ll probably walk. I can’t live there until it’s fixed because I’m super allergic to mold. Meanwhile I’m looking at 3 – 4 weeks of additional rent when I had anticipated only 1 – 2 weeks, and at a higher rate. Luckily I haven’t given notice yet on my apartment, because I have no where else I could stay in town.

      1. Overeducated*

        I second “know the terms.” My month to month experience was also $200/month more, but I didn’t realize until I got the papers to sign that under their terms it didn’t mean “rent a month at a time,” it was a 2 month lease. So you would have to pay the 2 month lease breaking fee for anything less than 60 day notice, and then when I decided not to move they wouldn’t let me switch to an annual lease without less than 60 days notice for THAT, either. I now expect this company to try to extract the maximum amount with the least flexibility, and interpret all terms that way.

        1. Gatomon*

          Oof, that is ridiculous! My state specifies the notice for month-to-month leases is 30 days thankfully. I would definitely expect the worst from anyone who wants that much notice.

          1. Overeducated*

            Yup. This refusal to let us go from month to month to annual just went down Friday (to meet their July 1 60 day deadline before going out of town, which they served us TWO notices of in the last week, even though we’re “month to month” – hmm, treating us like annual tenants!). I’m pretty frustrated since they would certainly let a NEW tenant sign an annual lease starting this summer, but I have literally no leverage other than moving out.

    8. Kathenus*

      The only time I had to break a lease, I had two choices. One was to pay two or three months rent (I can’t remember exactly, it was a decade ago) as a fee to break the lease, then I was free and clear. Two was to pay until the unit was rented again, so this could be anything from a month or less if it rented right away to all the way to the end of the lease. As I had, unfortunately, just signed a new lease and had 10 or 11 months left on it, I chose number one because I didn’t want to risk getting stuck with rent through the end of the lease. I had to borrow from my dad to cover it and moving costs, but I was able to save it up and pay it back to him over the next year. It sucked, but it was just unfortunate timing for a great job opportunity to come up after having just signed a new lease. It was great to get it off my plate thought and not have possible longer term payments hanging over my head.

    9. fhqwhgads*

      This might not be exactly what you’re after but every time I bought a house it took MUCH longer than I expected. Even once we had an accepted offer and in theory a set timeline…closing got delayed. So unless you’re very lucky and everything goes very quickly and smoothly, it’s probably a good thing to have more time left on your lease than you think you need to complete the home purchase. Depending on the house, you may also end up doing some minor reno after closing and before moving in and it’ll be convenient to still have somewhere to live while that happens. Unless you just renewed the lease or it’s already a multi-year lease or things line up unexpectedly smoothly, I’d say there’s a decent chance you might not actually have to break the lease at all.

    10. Nita*

      I’d give the landlord a heads-up as soon as you can, so they can start looking for a new tenant. Most likely, they’re not interested in making your life miserable over breaking the lease, as long as they can find another tenant quickly.

      I broke a lease years ago, in a big building, with two or three months to go. The managing company told me that I’m on the hook for the full year’s rent unless I can find a new tenant. It was a nice place and the rent wasn’t too high, so I found someone through Craigslist in less than two weeks (I did have to spend several evenings on showings).

      I’ve also had someone break a lease on me, with two months to go. I was given two weeks’ notice. I was really annoyed because I’m a very small landlord, and it wasn’t a good time logistically or financially, but it worked out. The realtor I worked with is a family friend, and did the impossible to find a new tenant in that time. The old tenant, who swore up and down on moving in that she intends to stay for years, bought a house. I understand that life happens, but I do wish she’d told me about the house hunting sooner – it would have saved me, the realtor, and the building nanager a lot of stress.

    11. socentury*

      What I DO NOT RECOMMEND but worked out well for me is to have a neighbor who calls in complaints that make no sense (outside! At 2 pm! On a Saturday!) and writes page-long screeds to the landlord, even though there is a property management company. Wait until the property management company tries to bully you into leaving by accusing you of breaking the lease by killing the lawn, even though the lease says landlords are responsible for landscaping! Then write your property management company a strongly worded letter about how you have done nothing wrong and will not be pushed out, but would be willing to leave for $3,000 in moving costs and your entire security deposit back. Then buy a house and give 60 days notice, at which point they’re so happy you’re leaving they give you your whole deposit back!

      It all worked out but truly was an incredibly stressful few months. I DO NOT ENDORSE this unless you are in the same very specific situation.

  30. HannahS*

    Alison, if you don’t mind my asking, have you ever met readers/commenters? No need to be specific, but I was wondering. Some people have been reading/commenting over a decade, and I know your readership has skyrocketed in recent years, so I wondered if there was ever spillover into real life!

    1. Texan In Exile*

      Yes! I met Jaime (where is she these days?) for coffee once in Chicago. I have met Stephanie in person at our university homecoming in Houston.

      And I have become facebook friends with the Cosmic Avenger and Seanna.

      I have also become facebook friends with other blog friends and have met some of them – Holly at motherhoodforthephobic, Tish at tishjett, and Lisa at amidprivilege – in real life.

    2. Texan In Exile*

      Oh! I just re-read your question. It was to Alison, not to other commenters! So – never mind. :)

      1. HannahS*

        Haha! That’s still an interesting answer and I’d like to retroactively expand my question. How did you manage to find each other?

        1. fposte*

          I know there was another Chicago meetup with Josh S. and Rana; I think Stephanie and C Average have met up.

          Meanwhile, whenever I drive around Chicago, I keep imagining I’ll see a pink Mustang driven by a redhead and I’ll try to convey “Jamie, I know you from Ask a Manager!” in mad gestures.

    3. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Only during book promotional appearances (super fun, but the contact is pretty brief because there’s a line of people) or by accident! Like I’ll meet someone socially and it’ll turn out that they read the site. (Which is cool but also can be a little strange — just in the “you sort of know me and I just met you” sense.)

      1. HannahS*

        Oh, interesting! That does seem like it would feel strange, but also less contact than I’d thought. Here I was imagining you, Jamie, and fposte having coffee once a week or something haha!

      2. Fran*

        Would a possibility for readers to arrange meetings in their part of the world and announce it here like Captain Awkward does be a possibility?

    4. Mimmy*

      I’ve always wanted to meet fellow readers in person but there doesn’t seem to be any regulars from New Jersey :(

  31. MissKatie*

    One of my employees gave me a bag of peaches that are RIPE and smell amazing! I’m going to make some jam when I get home tonight! If there’s enough, hubby is going to make cobbler too. Also I turn 30 on Tuesday and I’m having a hard time with that. Age is just a number right?

    1. Agent J*

      Happy early Birthday!

      Age is totally just a number. Now granted, there are certain phyical changes we can’t really avoid. But as a fellow Millennial, I no longer fear turning 30 because I don’t feel like I’m losing any life potential. I still have time and energy to pursue hobbies/passions, get married and have kids if I want to, redefine my career path, etc. Plus, there’s the wisdom that can come from embracing and learning from life experiences and the increased comfortability with who you are in the world.

      I guess what I’m trying to say is don’t let life/people/fear make your 30th birthday anything less than a truly joyous occasion.

    2. Julia*

      I turned 30 last month, and while I’m not quite where I wanted to be career-wise, I am taking this new decade of my life to finally care for myself. No more “oh, I’m only in my twenties, I don’t know”, or allowing people to treat me like a little girl.

    3. Seeking Second Childhood*

      If you have enough to spare, one of my great treats to myself is freezing summer peaches for a midwinter treat.

      1. Fortitude Jones*

        Same. I’m 32 and sometimes wish I could have skipped the 20s – I had way too many problems then, lol. My life now is much more stable.

        1. Parenthetically*

          Absolutely agreed. So much personal angst and drama — and then I finally got therapy in my 30s and they were/are much better hahaha

      2. Lilysparrow*

        Yes. My 30s were much, much better than my 20’s.

        My 40’s brought some unwelcome external life changes (deaths in the family, that kind of thing) but in terms of being happy & at peace with myself, comfortable in my own skin, confident – best yet.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Another person vouching for the 30s, it gets better.
      When I hit forty, I was all “bring it, let’s do this!”. Forties were even better than 30s.

      I think that is because I was firming up my beliefs – what I stood for and what I did not. I started having some experiences under my belt and life did not constantly blind-side me. I thought the teens were painful with growing pain stuff, but my 20s brought on an entirely new set of issues, that I was not prepared for. I really was not prepared for how poorly our society can treat 20 somethings. In my 30s, it felt more like I was recognized as an established adult.

      Find an older person you admire and decide you want to be like them. My 81 year old neighbor goes out and works in her yard almost daily and does all her own mowing. I want to be like her when I am 81.

      We age. That is not avoidable if we live long enough. What we can do is commit to constantly seeking a quality of life for ourselves. This means physically, financially and psychologically, in each area make sure we are doing the best we can to have a quality life.

    8. ..Kat..*

      I am in my 50s. For me, even though my life has not been easy, each decade has gotten better.

    9. Donkey Hotey*

      1 – Yay peaches!

      2 – My entire life changed for the better at 30 and again at 40. (Currently 48) Age ain’t nothin’ but a number. Happy birthday.

    10. Not Alison*

      Ha! Just wait till you turn 50 if you want a true freak-out! Hope you will find (as I did) that 30’s are your very best years.

  32. Ali G*

    So on Monday I have my first appointment with a therapist. It’s with someone who was available through my EAP. I’m nervous! I’m so terrified I’m just going to cry. I don’t know why. I don’t have anything too heavy going on, just a lot of change and stress that I don’t think I am dealing with well.
    I’m nervous, but looking forward to it at the same time.

    1. Zephy*

      Your feelings are true and valid and you’re allowed to have them. If you cry, you cry – you won’t be the first person to do that in the therapist’s office. She will not think less of you for having emotions – she’s there to help you manage them, and she needs to understand where you are in order to help you get to where you need to be.

    2. Agent J*

      Yay therapy! It’s normal to be nervous. I hope you like the therapist and you find them helpful.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      So sit down and cry now. Seriously. Pushing our emotions away is kind of disrespecting our own selves. You would never tell a friend not to cry, right?

      Here’s one I never thought of: I was talking to a person who does financial advice. He said that it’s a rule of thumb that when couples come to him it is reasonable to assume they have been arguing.
      I was floored, are we that transparent to each other?

      Well, yeah. We are. Therapists exist because life is hard, when it’s not hard that is only because it is down right impossible. They know this. They know we have been crying and that is why we are knocking on their door.

      I had a psych teacher in high school. This guy was one of the most well-liked teachers. He said he worked as a therapist for awhile trying to decide between therapy and teaching. In his time as a therapist he realized that the ones who knock on his door are the ones who there is hope for. They realized things can be better and can be different. It’s the ones who never knock on his door that worried him the most.

      I developed my own version of this thought when I had to supervise people. I realized that the ones who said, “I think I have a problem here with this work”, had unknowingly just solved 50% of their problem simply by reaching out.
      It’s okay to seek something different and better.

    4. Ethyl*

      It’s so awesome you made an appointment and are going to go! I know it’s scary but in my experience, once I got there and started answering questions and talking, it really wasn’t that bad. It’s ok if you cry! Your therapist has absolutely experienced it before and will have strategies to help you calm down and move forward.

    5. LizB*

      Good vibes and strength to you! I hope this is a good therapist-match for you and you find it helpful. :) (I say this as someone who for a long time said “oh, it’s just a stressful week” every week and has made enormous gains through therapy.)

    6. Wishing You Well*

      Good for you! I hope your therapist is a good one for you!
      Crying in a therapist’s office is normal. They keep lots of tissues on hand.
      This is such a hopeful, positive move on your part! Congratulate yourself on making this move!

    8. MOAS*

      I had my first appt this Monday and in fact had that same exact concern. Any reasonably competent therapist will be able to handle crying. Good luck!

    9. Nessun*

      I did the same thing last year- went to see a therapist through EAP when I was stressed and feeling low. I think I at least teared up, if not outright cried, every session. But I’d told myself if I was going to cry anywhere that her office was a good place to do it. Being open about what I was feeling was important, and that helped her see where I was coming from (I tend to be flippant and sarcastic but can’t stop tears). Best of luck to you – it’s a wise first step and good for you on taking it.

  33. Rebecca*

    Divorce aftermath drama update

    Oh AAM friends – my phone has been rejecting multiple calls from ExH this week, and I am truly concerned about what he’s going to do when he finds out that his payment is 56% of the total due (and I’m legally allowed to do this, any balance not payed by tomorrow is due at 6% per year interest rate). My attorney said that he’s swerving into harassment territory by calling so many times, max was 6x in one day. He’s also leaving voice mails so he’s recording himself ranting about wanting his money, and I’m saving those. There is a no harassment clause in our agreement, that his attorney drafted, so he’s going to get a letter reminding him of that. In full disclosure, I could have buckled down financially in the last year to get him all the money, but I traveled a bit, spent a little bit of money on myself, etc. so that’s what it is. I think it just felt so good to be divorced and away from him that I just cut loose for a while.

    So drama from this week – one of my friends was at a local grocery store, the one I use most, actually, and called me to say ExH was in the store with a woman, they were walking around, and ended up getting half price baked goods, took forever to pay at the self checkout, then went out to his vehicle to eat said baked goods. She took a picture, and I have to say, the FBI, HS, and CIA have nothing on female friends who like to keep people informed, then texted it to me, but the photo was from the back so I have no clue who this person is. She’s not last year’s girlfriend, the one he took to casinos and blew the settlement money with in less than a month, and then disappeared when the money was gone.

    I think this might explain why he’s so hot to get the money, along with the fact that his vehicle is always at his efficiency apartment almost every day when I go to and from work. It’s right along the 4 lane highway I use to get back and forth to work, and the cab company he works at, was working at, who knows, is only 1/2 mile from my office, so I’m not stalking, this is literally right in my line of vision when I drive. And I say was working at, because in the last month or so, he’s been going on about buying a newer car so he can be an Uber driver and make all sorts of money (his words to his sister). He has his mail forwarded or is using her address, not where he actually lives, and stops by once a month or so to pick up his mail. So I suspect he figured he’d get the full amount of the settlement, get a newer car, and go be an Uber driver and be an instant success. I have to wonder if he quit his job, or if the 5 moving violations in less than 2 years (plus the accidents that weren’t reported!!) were too much for the cab company, especially after the last one where he wrecked their cab into a large piece of farm equipment, and they fired him. Don’t know, but that’s what I suspect.

    At the end of the day, it’s not my problem any longer legally. But, he is a gambling addict and person who always expects everyone else to do everything for him, and now this one thing isn’t going to happen to his satisfaction. He may be out of a job, has no skills to get much more than a driving job like this, and due to his accident record, may have lost even a cab driver job, the money I gave him might buy a really decent used car here, but he still has rent and medications to pay for, not to mention he has no health insurance. As stated last week, he has burned bridges with everyone, even his remaining sister and her husband, so he has no one to fall back on. This is where the new woman might fit in, she may have a job, he’s good at the sob story…I feel sorry for her whoever she is. And while he knows where I live, I doubt he’d come here, he knows exactly where I work and probably what office I’m in as my window faces the street and you can see in, but I won’t be at work next week (yay staycation). As much as I love the nature and scenery here, and I do have friends and some family in the area, I would really love to be able to get out of this state and away from this area so I don’t have to worry about running into him at the grocery store. As it is, I always scan the parking lot for his vehicle before going in. I don’t want to see him, talk to him, or hear him talk ever again. This small area is just too cozy right now.

    So, keep good thoughts for me this week!!

    1. Ali G*

      UGH. You should not have live with the stress of running into the Ex. I don’t think you should feel guilty about spending some money on yourself and not saving it all for him. He doesn’t really deserve anything from you (IMO) at this point, so if he’s mad, whatever.
      Hopefully in the near future you can get your mom sorted and afford to move on.

    2. Quandong*

      I’m sorry your ex is acting this way and calling so often, of course you feel worried about how he will react to the payment. I hope your attorney’s letter gets through to him!

      When my ex lived in the same area as me I also dreaded seeing him when I was just doing my own thing. I completely relate to wanting to be far away. If you’re concerned about your ex escalating his behaviours, please contact local DV support groups to find out what might be available to you if required. Your mother will be okay if you need to go and stay somewhere else. Your ex’s behaviours and reactions are not your fault and you were not obligated to pay the full amount tomorrow.

      Sending good wishes your way.

    3. MissGirl*

      Why are your friends trailing him and sending you pictures? This just keeps you immersed in his life when it seems you want to break out. Not to mention it’s not anyone’s business who he goes to a grocery store with.

      It seems you owe him money in the settlement. Sorry, I’m not quite clear on that. If so, prioritize paying it off so you can move forward without the albatross hanging off you. What he does then will be on him and no one else.

      1. fposte*

        Yeah, I think the friend-spying is one of these short-term fix/long-term damage things. Your goal is to have *less* of him in your life. Ask your friends to help with that.

        1. Rebecca*

          This was the first and only time someone has done this, and this was from a life long friend, and she knows my Ex’s problems, and she wasn’t stalking or being nefarious – she is really concerned for this woman’s welfare and bank account. Literally almost ran right into them, but again, we have only a few options for shopping here. I’m not encouraging this in any way, and if she says anything further, I’ll just say that this isn’t helpful to me.

          1. fposte*

            I understand she may have meant well, but this was actually getting kind of stalkery, complete with taking a picture. Whether she’s concerned or not, that’s going overboard, and I hope for everybody’s sake she can dial it back.

          2. Dan*

            So serious (and perhaps rhetorical) question: Friend may be concerned for this woman, but why does she feel that you are in a place to act on that concern? I don’t see how. You really can’t can’t can’t get involved/interfere with his future relationships in anyway, and she should know that. Plus, what friend observed was ex just going out and about and he should be able to do that in peace. I know if my ex’s friends were taking pictures of *me* out and about with females companions, sending them to ex, and I got wind of it, there’d be some serious WTF and come-to-Jesus talks. If ex *is* doing something that rises to the level of criminal activity, then the *authorities* are the ones who should be notified.

            Speaking more broadly and not really to you… the older I get, the more I err on the side of minding one’s own business. So many letters to advice columnists ask some form of the question: “Should I tell [person] [some piece of information]?” My stock answer is: If you have to ask, then the answer’s no and MYOB.

            1. fposte*

              Yes, I was thinking of the “shoe on the other foot” thing–if a friend of Rebecca’s ex was following her in a store and taking a picture of her to send to him, I imagine she would find it pretty creepy; I know I would. I understand how the history and emotional difference can make it hard to think about it that way, but while you’re still in a contentious split, you really don’t want to do anything to them that you’re not okay having done to you.

              1. Rebecca*

                That’s true, I would find it creepy! I still find it creepy that he would tell me that someone said I was seen here or there doing X, and it wasn’t even close or me…and it upset me. I need to “put the shoe on the other foot” so to speak. But as you said, it’s hard for me to think that way, as the entire time we were married, he never once thought about how his actions would affect me or anyone else around him, always about his wants, comfort, whatever it happened to be. Very wise words. Still working on this!

                1. fposte*

                  Yup, it’s really hard to break completely free! I know you’re putting in a lot of work there.

    4. Dan*

      Rebecca, I don’t have sympathy for adult-children who can’t be bothered to hold down a job after a divorce. You put in your settlement agreement that payments can be made late with a penalty — and you are living up to your end of the agreement… paying late with a penalty. There is no need to feel guilty or remorseful about that.

      As for the rest of it, I see you posted a further reply below under a different comment, but you really do want to move on. There’s part of me who for schadenfreude reasons only wants to keep up with what my ex is doing. But the part of me who wants to move on knows I need to pick one or the other. It’s one thing being informed about seriously major life events (say someone in ex’s family died or whatever) but who ex is dating? You really don’t want to know. You just don’t.

      1. Kathenus*

        I think this is a great perspective and I was thinking along similar lines. Rebecca I have so much respect for you from following your story over the recent year or more, and you’ve worked so hard to get yourself out of that bad situation and are inching ever and ever closer to the last stage with the final payment. I agree that you have a contract giving you the option to pay some later with interest, so no guilt at all in taking care of yourself with some of your budget and using this option.

        My only recommendation is what Dan said, try to find a way to move on. Finding out all of the details of his life from his sister, this situation from your friend, etc. are just offering him rent-free space in your head. You deserve to stop having all of this be a part of your life, so I respectfully suggest you try to disengage from everything except communicating with your lawyer as needed to get this last chapter closed. Good luck.

      2. Rebecca*

        Very good observations, and I will stop this if it happens again. I’ve thought about changing my phone number, but decided not to, since 99.9% of people I want to have it don’t hassle me. I’ve been researching apps to prevent voice mail. Going to let my attorney handle the repeated phone calls, I mean seriously, get a clue.

        Dan, totally agree with not having time for adults that can’t adult. It comes down to personal responsibility and realizing that everything isn’t someone else’s fault. That’s something ExH never learned.

        I’m trying to push Mom to choose a senior living situation, sell the house, etc. But so far no movement on that end.

        I try not to think about him at all, like right now, all those years are a vague bad memory, and I don’t ever have to be in his presence again if I don’t want to. That’s priceless.

        1. Dan*

          About changing numbers… I didn’t change anything. (Not saying you should or shouldn’t. Just sharing.) While I read most of ex’s messages, I got pretty good at not responding to them. (In fact, I’m not sure I responded to any.) The amusing thing is that she thought I was blocking her main email, so she would create different accounts and email me from those. At some point, she clued in that I either didn’t care, changed my email, or both. After awhile, she just stopped. I’m pretty sure that once she figured I was a waste of time, it wasn’t worth trying any more.

          It does get easier with time.

          1. Rebecca*

            I’m lucky in that he doesn’t know much about computers, I know, in this day and age that’s rare, but I don’t think he’s ever sent an email. He used to nag at me about being on Facebook (you’re going to get killed by an ax murderer) or posting in online groups like this (again, with the ax murderer stuff), and for about 15 years I tried to teach him, explaining this is the way of the future, but he said “I don’t have to know it, you can do it for me”. Argh, so frustrating. He couldn’t even fill out a basic online form and submit it for a job application. I don’t get his texts, which miraculously he learned how to do when I left, as they are blocked, just voice mails. At least I don’t have email to contend with, but with them, I’d put up an auto reply, shove them to another folder in case I needed any ammunition for my attorney, and leave it at that.

            I think once the rest of the settlement is paid, I’ll truly no longer think about any of this, other than, wow, that was a miserable time in my life – so glad it’s over!! Like dentistry…or OB/GYN stuff…

      3. tangerineRose*

        ” I don’t have sympathy for adult-children who can’t be bothered to hold down a job after a divorce.” This!

    5. The Librarian (not the type from TNT)*

      Oh wow. I wish I had any advice, but I’m sending best wishes that you stay safe and drama free.

    6. Lilysparrow*

      Sending good thoughts.

      Particularly that you are able to evict him from this very large amount of headspace that he’s living rent free in. And that you are able to truly enjoy the glorious benefit of having a problematic person be your Ex instead of your current SO: it’s not your problem.

      The person he’s dating and her happiness are not your problem. Where or whether he’s working, what his plans are, whether he has insurance – not your problem.

      The whole point of splitting was to get out from under his problems, right? Embrace it.

      1. Rebecca*

        Exactly – and, if he tries to make this my problem, as in hassling me, my attorney and the law can handle it.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      Good thoughts for you, always, not just this week.

      People have difficulty coming up with large sums of money all. the. time. Man-child here should have been able to forecast there might be difficulty and planned accordingly. I have found it to be helpful to say, “If money is not in my hand then I do not have it.” He could have chosen a similar perspective, but that is not what he did.

      Vulnerability. Try not to focus on the new woman’s vulnerability. She will probably figure it out in a bit. It would be wise to ramp up what you are doing to take care of you. For example, all these phone calls. If you have not showed your lawyer then it is probably time to loop him in. Perhaps the lawyer suggests escalating to the police, then that might be a wise move on your part. Not trying to be scary, if you give this guy an inch he will take a yard. Put your foot down early and put it down HARD. Get your “NO” on. This is the only thing this dude understands. Unfortunately, he is the type of person that needs a concrete block dropped on him in order for him to pay attention. If you give him no response (meaning through his lawyer) then he will read that as he should keep harassing you like he has been.

      FWIW, I probably would have blown some money on trips also. ha! Good for you. He does not need to know why you don’t have the money. That is none of his business. You are having a life and he is a slave to his addiction. It’s not up to you to fix that.

      1. Rebecca*

        Thank you! I have shown my call log to my attorney’s secretary (he was with a client when I dropped off the check). She noted everything and said definitely if this keeps up, my attorney can draft a letter. She’s seen this before. And a letter stating that he needs to stop might be just the thing and worth the money I have to pay to get it done. If it comes to it, I’ll get a do not contact order in court.

        All of the comments are helpful and course correcting. Sometimes when you’re deep in the mountain laurel you can’t see the clear trail 5 feet away. I learned that while hiking, and it applies to this part of my life, as well.

        And as far as anyone new on his side, it’s on them to find out for themselves and do due diligence. I need to really remember that! I think I should print out a big sign and stick it to my computer monitor: Not. My. Problem. lather, rinse and repeat!!

    8. Elizabeth West*

      I can’t wait until you’ve paid off everything so you never have to deal with him again. If I were rich I’d fricking GIVE you the money!

    9. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      Just sending you a supportive hug. If need be, can you stay at a friend’s place or house sit for someone, while a restraining/ no contact order is filed?
      You did an important piece of self care in taking a trip, and spending the money you needed to spend to sustain your forward movement. You have done some VERY hard things. One of the things I’m finally accepting (10 months into my very hard thing) is that I “can’t” push myself 24×7 to undo the entire past in one fell swoop. It’s becoming more like a long-term thing – not a short term “fix it” sprint – for me. So I have to spend a little money to take care of my health, my mental well being, and my friendships and support network. It turns out I have years of work life left, and need a bit more than starvation funding to make it work over the long term.
      Do what “YOU” need to do. I think of it as not being a “rubbernecker” at that wreck on the side of the road. Not my problem, “I” did not cause it, and if I look at it too long, I veer off my course or even cause a problem for myself.
      We support you. Hang in there.

      1. Rebecca*

        Thank you, and that rang true for me, about not being able to undo the past, and the rubbernecking that can cause another accident, instead of just going slowly and safely by. You hang in there, too!!

    10. Blue Eagle*

      Just wanted to support you and your choice to use some of your funds this past year to give yourself some “me” time. I’ve followed your story for the year before the divorce was final and it was clear that the emotional toll on you was significant and that you needed “me” time to get yourself in a good space. So here’s a virtual hug and a peptalk “you go girl!” to know that the AAM community supports you fully.

  34. Grand Admiral Thrawn Is Still Blue*

    I rent a duplex. Two weeks ago I was cutting my backyard with my weed trimmer, since I don’t have a mower. My neighbor came near and we had a conversation… Turns out he cuts the lawn for my duplex neighbor, a young mother. He’d been wanting to offer cutting to me too, for free. It’s hard work, “especially for a woman”. I’m 48, with the usual aches, and yes, here in the South, it can be tough and exhausting sometimes. Of course, he’s older than I am!!! So on Wednesday, he cut both our front yards, which is quite small. The backs are definitely larger. It made me very happy to look out that evening and see my nicely cut yard.

    Here’s the part that intrigued me the most. I’m white, and he’s black. From the careful way he approached me and talked to me, I got the distinct impression that he wanted to offer this kindness but didn’t want me to … Let’s say overreact… We’ve all read the stories about the women who have called the police on the most innocent or harmless of acts. But hey, if you want to cut my grass and spare me, I’m totally down with that!

    So thanks, Tyrell, and bless you!

    2. Laura H.*

      Give Tyrell a thank you card or something!

      Also something small but equally kind would be to make sure Tyrell has water while he mows- summers are hot.

    3. Lilysparrow*

      Tyrell needs a constant supply of cookies, or jam, or zucchini bread, or something. Not while mowing, obvs.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yeah, really. I have a male friend whose labor on smaller jobs can be paid for with pies, soups, stews and so on.
        It’s all good.

    4. Elizabeth West*

      Aww, that’s so nice of him. Definitely make sure he has some water, or sweet tea, or lemonade, cookies, etc. etc.

    5. Dan*

      Good on Tyrell.

      If I may, I think I you should consider paying him. It doesn’t have to be a ton, but he’s providing a real service, and if you’re not in a position to return a favor in kind, then consideration of payment wouldn’t be inappropriate.

  35. Seeking Second Childhood*

    Oh and a pair of DARK shoes. I was in Siena on a rainy day and those white shoes taught me why artists loved Sienna’s clay as pigment!

    1. jolene*

      In the city?? It’s almost entirely paved/cobbled, so that sounds extremely unlikely and certainly not my experience, having lived there.

      If you do want to buy shoes I recommend the Wednesday market.

  36. rubyrose*

    I’m looking at the possibility of moving to Santa Fe NM from Denver. I’ve never been there. I’ve been doing the internet research, but thought I would ask some questions here and see if anyone can advise me.
    – I see quite a bit of the house does not have any cooling, such as central air. Is it really true that you don’t need it?
    – Given the dryness, how hot does it feel during the summer?
    – I would be looking for housing just for myself and my pup. One level living. Nothing fancy. Any areas of town to gravitate to? Any to avoid?
    – Housing near the airport – what is the noise level?
    – Any real estate agents or companies you prefer?
    – How welcoming are people to outsiders coming in?
    – Anything else you want to tell me?

    I will be checking in and out today and tomorrow. Thanks in advance!

    1. TheFacelessOldWomanWhoSecretlyLivesinYour House*

      I live three hours from Santa Fe in the T or C area. Santa Fe is lovely, pricy, and can get cold in the winter! The dry heat is easier than the humidity to bear but A/C is useful. I imagine Santa Fe is a bit cooler but not much. We hit 100 here often. Good luck! OH, consider dog boots for your pup!

      1. rubyrose*

        I did not know they made doggie boots for summer; already have some for winter. Thanks for pointing me in that direction.

    2. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      I don’t know that much about Santa Fe but I used to live in Las Cruces (and I grew up in Colorado). Most people I knew had swamp coolers (and in Colorado, too!) rather than central air, and they were often external units that you can fit yourself. I didn’t find the dryness to be all that different from Colorado, but I also tolerate the dry heat reasonably well. It’s easier to cool off with evaporation in the desert! Depending on how sensitive you are I wouldn’t say that you don’t need any kind of cooling, but full-on forced air conditioning might be a bit of overkill.

      Santa Fe has a reputation for being full of artists and hippie-types, so I’d imagine that people will be fairly open to others coming in. Also the traffic will probably be less annoying than Denver.

      1. rubyrose*

        I’m counting on better traffic!

        I’ve been resistant to swamp coolers because we had one when I was growing up in Kansas. I remembered it as a major PITA. You had to go outside every so often and water it down with the garden hose. Not something you want to do when it is in the high 90s outside.

        But that was a very long time ago. I did some googling on swamp coolers/evaporate cooling and see they now have lovely internal, portable units. Since I would not be looking at cooling large spaces, I think those internal units will work just fine!

        1. Close Bracket*

          “You had to go outside every so often and water it down with the garden hose.”

          ??

          You should not have to do this. The pump sends water up through the spider tubes, which wets the pads.

          I live in Arizona. I have neighbors whose swamp coolers keep them quite comfortable, but mine is inefficient over 100 F (best it does inside is 85 F), and not that efficient below 100 F.

          During monsoon season, swamp coolers are completely ineffective.

    3. Sam Foster*

      Never lived there but have visited. Santa Fe usually averages high 80s in the summer and with it being over 7000 ft. elevation evening cooling was nice. However, with recent averages and highs all going wonky, I’d think ahead and put some effort in to planning/buying for the extremes: more heat, more snow, etc. Friends of mine in Arizona have had more rain-related issues this year than in the last 20.

    4. Cog in the Machine*

      It’s been hot in Santa Fe this year. Seriously, it was 96 when I went through this afternoon.
      The houses that are between 10 and 15 years old will probably have central air, and most places that are newer than 25 years will have central heat. Most everywhere else will have swamp coolers. They usually don’t need to be sprayed down here, though. They work better the dryer it is.
      The airport is regional, so there aren’t any big planes flying in, but there are still small jets and multi-engine props.
      People are generally pretty friendly, but it does tend to depend on the neighborhood.
      For avoiding parts of town – Google Street view is your friend! The realtors only want to show the good things, but street view doesn’t care. If you want to make changes to the outside of the house or yard, or major changes to the inside, avoid the historic district.

  37. Julia*

    On top of a stressful few weeks at work that took a toll on my health, my husband is also annoying the crap out of me today. We had dinner with his family today and they brought up a sexual harassment lawsuit against my former employer, then asked if similar issues were occuring at my current job. Instead of saying, “hey, listen, this is really bad timing” (considering what is going on at work), he participated in a talk about harassment as “interpersonal issues” (ugh) and then proceeded to interrupt me when my mother-in-law asked me questions about my field of study, as if he knew better than I did. I had to be the bitchy daughter in law who told him to shut up when I was talking. At least my SIL is usually on my side, and my MIL never takes anything personally, so that’s good, but I’m disappointed in my husband. I asked him what the hell he was thinking and he said he wasn’t thinking at all, which is not a good defence if you ask me…

    1. rubyrose*

      I am so tired of hearing anyone use the excuse of “I didn’t think.” Especially when they use it over and over and over. I would be especially ticked off about my husband using it.

      1. Julia*

        Right?! I keep asking him to maybe start thinking then, and how he thinks I felt about being disrespected by my own husband during a week where so much sexual harassment issues came out at work, and he’s just like, “sorry”, but I don’t think he really gets it.

      1. Julia*

        Oh, he has no problem apologizing (which is what I wanted in a spouse since my family of origin would just gaslight me into thinking they never did the thing in the first place, or get mad about me being hurt), but at this point I want him to be a bit more thoughtful about his actions. People stuff is tough…

        1. Marmaduke*

          Sometimes it just doesn’t feel like a real apology unless it comes with a plan of how to prevent the problem from recurring.

          1. Agent J*

            Oh, so much this. Or understanding in general what they did wrong/why they are apologizing. Just saying sorry doesn’t make me feel better if I know you’re likely to do it again.

  38. Sad*

    My long term partner and I are splitting up… Amicably enough, but I’m still devastated, as I wanted it to work. Any coping strategies to survive this time? I do have a therapist already.

    Stories like how you found love after the person you thought was going to be your entire-life partner are appreciated, too. I need hope.

    1. NicoleK*

      When things ended with the guy I believed to be my “soul mate”, I was completely devastated. And it took me years to get over it. But eventually I did. I never dated much and was concerned that I’d never find someone again. But the universe works in mysterious ways. And when my heart and mind was open, that was when I met the man who’d become my husband. It is possible to find love again.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Probably not exactly what you are looking for, but after my husband passed I found out that I am very rich with friends. Matter of fact, I am wealthier in friendships than I had ever dreamed possible.
      I do think that when we lose an SO by whatever means it takes many, many people to fill up the void in our lives. Say yes to friends more often. Let them fill up your time and your brain space. Every so often make a little list of things that you are grateful for about your people surrounding you.

      That’s right, it’s not the same. Nor should it be the same. People aren’t interchangeable. But each person in our lives offers something of value that no one else offers. Challenge yourself to find these unique things people around you have to offer. Your friends can carry you through to your next chapter. I have lived this first hand and I have had so many people tell me, “my friends/family carried me.”

    3. Dr. Anonymous*

      My marriage with my BEST FRIEND failed and three years later I started dating a lovely man whom I’m still with 6 years later who’s just a little brighter, genuinely sweeter, and freaking hilarious.

      There was some dating drama in the interim, but it’s mostly funny now looking back and I’m still friends with most guys I dated then. Take your time. You’ll be fine. It’ll be hard at first and that’s expected.

    4. Donkey Hotey*

      I’m sorry for your loss. Amicable or not, it still sucks.
      For my “it gets better” story: In my late 30s, I had been through several rounds of the Meet Someone Great – Goes Down In Flames roller coaster. Most relationships lasted approximately two years. Tried computer dating and failed miserably at that. A friend was getting married and I was dreading going because there would be FIVE exes of mine in attendance. Pulled together what was left of my courage and went. Met a woman there, we clicked instantly. Went out on one date and sent my friend a text on the way home saying, “I think I just met the woman I’m going to marry.” Three years later, we did just that and we’ve been together for 10 years total.
      p.s. About six months into the relationship, we realized that we had both come up as prospective matches on the same dating app, and we had both declined the other on the app.

  39. SandrineSmiles (France)*

    Hi. Today is a rather bittersweet moment.

    Because of various reasons that would be too long to get into, Mom has to leave her place by July 31st. And she has to find a new lease “on her own” (previous place was with previous job). Problem: she can’t find a decent sized place on her salary alone.

    So… I’m moving back with her. We plan on renting a house. We have applied to two of them, one of which I was there to visit, and I’m scared. We’ve been dreaming of being in a house since I was little and it’s now getting closer than ever.

    But the bittersweet thing also comes from the fact that I’m moving my cats and my stuff today. I’ll be back at Mom’s old place for a little bit, and if all goes well next weekend we move the whole family.

    Now here’s to hope my second cat accepts to get into a carrier… THAT will be another story.

    o_o

    1. Zephy*

      Cat carrier insertion protip: Vertically, and backward.

      Either enlist a second person to hold the carrier on its end, so the opening is facing the ceiling, or prop it up against a wall like that, with the door open. You pick up the cat and lower it butt-first into the carrier, closing the door as quick as you can. Your second person might hold the back feet together while you support the chest and hold the scruff. If you’re on your own, usually it’s possible to push the door closed in the course of inserting the cat because of how they’re hung on the carrier.

      Source: former professional cat wrangler. Repeat to yourself, and out loud to the cat: “There’s no version of this story that doesn’t end with you in this box.” Apologize later with tuna or cooked chicken, that usually works for me.

      1. fposte*

        A vet tech demonstrated a version of this where the person throws a pivot in there so the cat has slightly less opportunity to prepare–basically, you pick the cat up when you’re to the side of or facing away from the carrier and pick the cat up from the other side, so that follow-through on the turn leaves you at the carrier opening.

    2. Clisby*

      I always get my 17-year-old to wrangle our cat into the carrier. I hold it open, he puts one hand over the cat’s eyes, and then puts him in quickly. I covering the eyes disorients the cat for enough seconds that he doesn’t start fighting the carrier.

  40. Kimmybear*

    Recipe request: I have two elderly family members recovering from recent surgery and I am staying with them during some recovery. They will not wait until I get home from work to make dinner and so eat less healthy foods…not even the healthier versions (frozen meals with too much sodium and sugar, full fat hot dogs, ice cream, etc) for dinner. Any healthy recipe ideas that I can prepare in advance and the caregiver can stick in the oven when they are ready to eat? Think casseroles, one tray meals…

      1. NewReadingGlasses*

        My mom used to make a thing that is essentially baked macaroni and cheese with a bunch of vegetables added, and then tomato sauce (sometimes with meat) on the top. There’s not a recipe, per se, but you just make it like baked Mac-n-cheese, and cut back liquids by about 1/8 cup per cup of veggies. Raw meat is cooked ahead. Longer-cooking things like carrots can also be pre-done ahead and included. Frozen veggies work well too. I’m pretty sure this was originally a way to use up leftovers, but it’s tasty, and can be made in a big batch and reheated.

    3. Alex*

      What about a veggie lasagna or rollatini? Eggplant parm? Baked ratatouille?

      I think the bigger question might be…WILL they eat healthy food you make if you leave it for them?

    4. Llellayena*

      Roast a large amount of vegetables once a week. They’re good cold or heated up and end up in snackable pieces. They can also go on pasta with olive oil or tomato sauce which is quick for the caregiver to make/reheat. Mac and cheese with veggies is great, but might not be best recovery-health wise. Rice is easy to make and reheat and does well with toppings of veggies, fruit (diced mango or peach is yummy), ricotta, tzatziki, smoked salmon, pesto…

    5. Moocowcat*

      Does your City have Meals on Wheels? They’re a nonprofit organization that delivers frozen or fresh healthy meals. They can be a good option for elderly people or those recovering from hospitalization. No recipie advice sadly.

    6. NicoleK*

      Can you roast a whole chicken the night before? The meat could be used for sandwiches, quick soups, and etc

    7. Kuododi*

      I recently discovered cauliflower and cheese casserole. (Road tested the recipe a few days ago.). DH and I almost scraped the finish off the casserole dish it was so good. Essentially, it’s Mac and cheese with cauliflower and chopped bell peppers in lieu of macaroni noodles. Best wishes.

      1. Jack Russell Terrier*

        This is so good – classic Brit dish – cauliflower cheese = yum. This is a great idea. They often put tomatoes on top in the UK under the breadcrumbs.

        1. londonedit*

          It makes me quite sad when I remember that Americans in general haven’t heard of the wonder that is cauliflower cheese! A total British classic and one of my top comfort foods.

    8. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      1. What healthy foods or vegetables do they actually like?

      – I’ve found dictating foods goes over as well with adult family members as it does with toddlers. If they like frozen corn or canned green beans, sure there are better foods in the world. But they aren’t better if they end up in the garbage uneaten.

      2. If nutritional and vitamin intake is an issue, maybe stock up on things like Boost (or whatever brand) nutritional shakes. They can have a supply of quick, palatable nutrition.

      3. Older people often have diminished taste buds and grew up when different things (frozen foods, processed foods, etc) were becoming big parts of people’s diets.

      — So hot dogs and ice cream don’t seem that bad to me. Throw in some frozen or canned veggies or salad in a big bowl in the fridge or low sodium vegetable soup plus some shakes, and they should be fine.

      If they don’t already have diabetes or cardiac disease, the lead time for dietary indiscretions causing problems I s typically so long (decades) that what they eat now won’t hurt them. Excluding current active problems like blood sugar fluctuations of course…

    9. Koala dreams*

      If they are interested in eating the food you usually make for dinner, why not cook extra and put the leftovers in boxes for them to eat next day?
      If it’s more vegetables you want, I recommend frozen vegetables from the store. They can be thawed in the fridge or in the microwave and eaten as a side dish. For a regular meal, you can make salad with tomatoes, corn, beans, cheese or whatever they like. Takes some prep time but don’t require cooking.
      Also, I’ve been seeing sugar free extra protein yoghurt looking things with chocolate flavour everywhere lately. Maybe something like that would do if you worry about sugar or protein intake? It’s often marketed towards sporty people, for some reason.

    10. Kimmybear*

      Thanks everyone for the suggestions. You’ve made some great points about asking what they want and also not overdoing the healthy need at their age (though the doctors are strongly suggesting it). Part of the challenge is that my husband and I need to eat healthier and I’ve reached my limit of cooking 3-4 separate menus each meal (also have a toddler). I’m making a veggie lasagna and a ton of roasted veggies this weekend which will at least get us a start to the week. Really appreciate all the ideas.

      1. Figgie*

        Google “sheet pan recipes” for a bunch of quick, healthy recipes that can all be baked together in the oven in one pan. I use these kinds of recipes all of the time. My spouse especially loves a meatloaf, green bean and new potatoes meal. I also tend to increase the amount of veggies in the recipes and decrease the amount of meat. And if you have a cooling rack that fits inside a sheet pan, line the bottom of the pan with aluminum foil and bake everything on the rack…any grease goes down into the pan and the meat doesn’t have to touch the veggies if you don’t want it to.

    11. Cartographical*

      Taco rice is a favourite of ours, you can adjust the seasonings to reduce sodium. We don’t use a recipe but it’s basically taco-seasoned lean ground beef (pre-cooked and drained), rice (pre-cooked, brown works just fine), canned diced tomatoes, salsa, chopped onion and minced garlic, all mixed together and topped with crushed tortilla chips and cheese. Like the recipe below, you can also use seasoned, shredded chicken.

      Pasta casserole (brown rice or other whole grain rotini or fusili, pre-cooked and drained), pasta sauce made with pre-cooked/drained lean ground beef or pre-cooked shredded chicken (thighs are good but I’ve used breast meat as well), tossed together and then some cheese stirred in gently (I’ve used everything from mozzarella to ricotta, which I dole out in teaspoon-fulls and gently settle into the pasta). This also accommodates steamed or otherwise lightly cooked and diced broccoli, spinach, kale, zucchini, peppers, and anything else you think will go well — even shredded carrot.

      Firm white fish packaged (in foil or parchment) on top of blanched sliced potatoes and then topped with sliced tomato, zucchini, onion, peppers, and herbs can be baked in a toaster oven or the large oven. I’ve also done this with trout or salmon. Instead of the potatoes you can use brown rice or quinoa cooked until just al dente.

      I use an instant pot to pressure cook large quantities of beef or chicken quickly, you can look up how to do so online — it makes beautiful shredded chicken. I will prepare this, spread it out on a tray lined with waxed paper, and freeze it, then shake it all into a large ziplock bag and put it back in the freezer to use as necessary. If I am seasoning it, I sautee the seasoning (taco, curry, shawarma, whatever’s going) in a couple tablespoons of olive oil (as much as is needed for the quantity I’m using) until it’s fragrant, then mix it into the meat before freezing.

      Tinned chicken breast or tuna can be added to Greek salads or an elaborate coleslaw for a cool meal that is all the better for being in the fridge all day. I also do this with cold quinoa salad that I’ve made with cooked quinoa (you can substitute bulgur wheat or couscous), tomatoes, cucumber, sweet onions, parsley, peppers, fresh herbs, and a lemon vinaigrette. Diced or shredded chicken breast meat also works well in this but the canned chicken is a fantastic quick protein that requires no cooking or cleanup. Lots of great vegetables.

    12. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      Soups have worked well for “reasonably healthy things everyone will eat” in situations involving elderly relatives here. Soups are particularly kind if teeth/chewing are an issue, and reheating soup is easy for a caregiver to do in the microwave if they have one or in a double-boiler on the stove if they do not.

      Our two go-tos are “taco soup” (which we make with kidney beans, black beans, pinto beans, tomatoes, and corn seasoned with cumin, onion, and maybe chili powder – when I’m not there they also add taco meat while it’s cooking, while I am there they add it separately as a topping, then add corn chips, sour cream and/or shredded cheese as toppings) and split pea soup, but there are tons of different healthy soup recipes out there. A bean-focused chili might also be a good option. There are lots of bean/legume focused soups that are pretty healthy and filling. Most non-cream soups also freeze well so you can make large batches and have your own frozen dinners later.

      1. Auntie Social*

        I second the soups– we have two go-to soups, chicken noodle and vegetable beef. I make a large pot and it lasts quite a while. Cornbread reheats well too.

    13. HannahS*

      Eggplant casserole: cut up a large amount of a combination of eggplant, zucchini, mushrooms and peppers. Think, 2 eggplants, 4 zucchini, 3-4 big handfuls of mushrooms, a few peppers. Cut 1-2 onions and chop up 3-4 cloves of garlic. Then, drain a big can of diced tomatoes and add those in. I often add a can of drained and rinsed canellini beans. Toss everything together with oil and a big double handful of cheddar cheese, and salt and pepper. If you want to add herbs like rosemary or oregano or basil, go ahead. Bake it at 375 until it shrinks down and looks toasty, which might take an hour. Check on it every 20 minutes and give it a stir. Serve with brown rice.

      It’s really good and requires only two dishes (one enormous pan for the veggies, one pot for rice), but it’s time consuming to prepare. Really easy to reheat, though, and it keeps well in the fridge for days.

    14. Good luck with that*

      You say “recovering from surgery”. When my MIL came home from the hospital after colon cancer surgery, my BIL almost killed her feeding her beans. A friend who had her gallbladder removed several years ago isn’t allowed to eat some foods to this day. (She thought it was temporary. It demonstrably was not.)
      Check the dietary instructions for whatever surgeries they had. Healthy for most people isn’t always healthy with different medical situations.

  41. Just a guy in a cube*

    Any advice on getting our outdoor cat litter box trained?
    We have a girl who would love to be an indoor cat (and basically lives just in the barn over the winter), but I didn’t really push the litter box training when we first got her (as a kitten) a year ago. So now I have a non-litter-trained cat who’s adorable, but not really the mouser we first wanted, and in the winter she just lives at the top of the barn pooping on the floor anyway.

    I’d like to get her litter box trained to give us options (even if only “use a litter box in the winter in the barn”). Do I just keep her in an enclosed space with a litter box for a week?

    1. Nicki Name*

      Start by putting the litterbox near where she likes to poop. If she poops nearby but doesn’t use the box, place the poop in the box. Most cats will get the hint at that point.

      If she keeps going outside the box, try litter with a different texture. And avoid scented litters in general.

      1. cat socks*

        Good idea to try placing the poop in the box.

        We transitioned a former semi-feral indoors last year when it started to get cold. He started staying in the garage overnight and the first couple of times he didn’t use the litter box so I let him back outside during the day. Then as he started spending more time inside, he started using the box regularly.

        I like Dr. Elsey’s brand of litter.

    2. Rebecca*

      I think most cats like to cover their excrement, so I always had luck with actually sitting the cat gently in the litter box, then using my hands to move their front paws gently in a digging/covering motion. I trained inside kittens and even outside to inside cats this way. I’ve always thought “showing” them what the box was for was useful – and it is something I thought of on my own…YMMV.

    3. TheFacelessOldWomanWhoSecretlyLivesinYour House*

      There is litter attract and the idea of keeping her in a smaller area with a litter box is good as long as you remember to play and interact with her. :)

      1. BikeLover*

        We tried cat attract litter when we first got our rescue kitten. We only had to use it for a few days, which is lucky because he LOVED it so much he would just roll around in it.

  42. Book Wyrm*

    I got an advanced readers copy of a book from BookishFirst, a website where you enter into raffles for ARC’s and every review you post on other websites of a book you won gets you points to skip a raffle and claim a book you really want. So two questions. 1) Other than Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Books A Million, and GoodReads, what are other good sites to leave reviews? 2) Anyone know of other websites and programs that let you get advanced readers copies to review?

  43. Mimmy*

    I had a follow-up appointment with my doctor yesterday for the cough I’ve had (she had diagnosed it as mild bronchitis and laryngitis). I told her I’m still dealing with that annoying tickle, my voice is still hoarse and my left ear is clogged. What does she prescribe? Zyrtec! An ALLERGY drug! She said to take it once a day until all my symptoms are gone. I took it shortly before bed last night and I don’t think it did a thing.

    Is she out of left field on this one? Has anyone found allergy meds helpful with lingering bronchitis or colds?

    1. Ruffingit*

      I had bronchitis several times last year. The only thing that helped me was steroids. I’d say get a second opinion. See an ENT.

      1. I hate the offseason.*

        Concur on the steroids. Started a course myself yesterday. Amazing how much it knocks down inflammation.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Yep. I found that what I was calling a cold was actually strong and sudden allergy. You can try it and you will know shortly if this is something for you or not.

    3. NewReadingGlasses*

      Antihistamines can help reduce inflammation, which could fix the clogged ear and any post nasal drip (which can cause coughing). So it’s not bananas to try it. It could take several days to work, though. I would go see an ENT as well.

    4. Acornia*

      My daughter did! Allergies were the likely cause of inflammation that made drainage difficult, so secondary infections were repeatedly cropping up. She didn’t have overt allergies, but taking allergy meds regularly was what broke the cycle for her.

    5. ImJustHereForThePoetry*

      My doc has previously recommended Zyrtec D (the one with a decongestant that you have to ask the pharmacist for) for congestion. It does help.

    6. Clever Name*

      If you look at the active ingredients of those “combo” cold medicines you’ll see that most, if not all, of them list antihistamines. They help with general itchiness and sneezing. I’ve also heard that a lot of times colds are exacerbated by allergies. So I agree with NewReadingGlasses that it’s not totally out of left field. If it works, great!

    7. Oldster*

      Not withstanding the claims in commercials give it at least 3 days to fully kick in.

      1. BuildMeUp*

        Yeah, my experience with daily allergy meds is that they work best when they have a chance to build up in your system a little.

    8. Gatomon*

      I’ve taken Benadryl, another allergy med, when I’ve had a cold. It dries your sinuses out. Zyrtec may help and it is less drowsy than Benadryl, just takes longer to work.

    9. TPS Report Coversheet*

      I take Zyrtec when I get a cold as it dries up the drippy nose, so at night it doesn’ drip back and end into the lungs.

    10. Clisby*

      When my daughter was about 6, she suffered moderate hearing loss in both ears. (Sadly, it took awhile for my husband and I to realize it, because, you know, sometimes 6-year-olds just don’t pay attention.) It turned out it was allergies. She had no other symptoms, like earache or a cold. After the pediatrician ruled out ear infections and some other things, she said, “This is Atlanta, and it’s the height of the pollen season. It’s worth trying Claritin.” I had never heard of allergies causing symptoms like this, but a week of Claritin later, she was almost back to normal, and two weeks out she was fine. I wouldn’t rule out allergies.

  44. Antagonist Relations*

    Ask a Manager D&D and RPG fans, I’m advertising the Ask A Manager RPG club again: https://groups.io/g/askamanagerRPGclub

    Everyone’s welcome; whether you’re completely new to the hobby and looking to try for the first time or you’re an experienced player looking for a new online game or just more people to talk tabletop roleplaying games with.

    Come and chat, find an online game, talk about gaming podcasts, ask for playing or game-mastering advice and delve deeper into the RPG hobby.

  45. Penguin*

    Plant thread! How does your garden grow? Which weeds just won’t die? Discuss and commiserate with fellow botanically-inclined folks!

    1. Penguin*

      This week has been “mystery plant identification week” apparently! So many “mystery plant picture” texts… The solved ones included bedstraw, wintercreeper, and what is probably a swallowwort. Also, what appears to be a Daikon radish that snuck into a wildflower seed packet.

      On a related note, can anyone suggest a good herbaceous (green) plant ID guide that a) includes the Northeast US, b) uses a dichotomous key, and c) is not a “wildflower” guide?

    2. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      Does anyone feel strangely guilty when they weed the garden and destroy miniature ecosystems in the process? I always feel bad for the spiders and wood lice and snails when I pull up the plants that they were living on. I even find myself apologizing to them!

      I’ve managed to (mostly) cut down a small tree that was in the way and pull up a bunch of volunteer shrubs that were going crazy in an inappropriate spot. So now I have a big bare patch of soil to do something with. I have a nice flowering quince shrub that was planted in a stupid place by the previous owner of the house and I am contemplating digging that up and moving it to the bare spot, but I think I need to wait for fall to tackle that.

      Last weekend I bought a bunch of plants, but the place I want to put them is so overgrown that I haven’t managed to plant them out yet. I worked on that for a while earlier today but I got so fed up with sneezing from hayfever that I gave up for now. I have this one nasty-smelling weed everywhere that I think sets me off in particular.

      1. Penguin*

        Yup, sure do! I mean, I know they’ll scurry over and live on another plant, but I still feel a little bad about it.

      2. Lilysparrow*

        I was hoeing up my tomato bed in the spring and turned up the most adorable little brown toad. I hate to think he may have had a family that didn’t make it. But no sign of them, so I’m hopeful.

        I managed to catch him and put him in the buggy moist underbrush by the creek, so he should be set for food & habitat.

      3. MinotJ*

        Oh, so much guilt. Every year we have tons of volunteer squash (called “yuckducks” in our house for reasons) in the garden and I can’t bring myself to pluck them when they come up. Then when they turn into actual plants, my partner is convinced that this year we could actually eat ten pounds of volunteer zucchini hybrids every day.

        He’s three states away this weekend, so I went out and yanked the enormous volunteers that had taken over the garden, uncovering the expensive pepper starts that I’d kind of forgotten about. Sigh.

    3. fposte*

      It’s lily time! Both lilium and hemerocallis. I really like the fragrant yellow species daylilies and am trying to get a few established in less promising places instead of the orange ditch lilies. I have no illusions about who would win that fight unaided but I plan to back a side.

      And unfortunately I didn’t fungicide my peonies early enough in spring and the most vulnerable one is freckling already. Bah.

    4. Middle School Teacher*

      It has been raining like crazy here. My tomatoes and peppers need sun, my zucchini is not happy, my strawberries are in heaven. I need to mow my lawn but I can’t because it’s soaking wet.

      There is an invasive weed here going EVERYWHERE (to the point the city will fine people who don’t pull it). I think I must be one of the few on the block who is trying to control it because it is going everywhere. Damn you, creeping bellflower!!!

      1. fposte*

        I’d never even heard of this! It’s a good warning, because I love bellflower-type plants and would probably have let this one go otherwise. In an invasives map it looks like it’s just coming to my area, too.

        1. Middle School Teacher*

          It’s actually quite pretty but once it’s there, it’s staying. Don’t let it take hold!

          1. Lora*

            Damn, it is really pretty. I have never seen it around here – the local weeds are Japanese knotweed, purple loosestrife and creeping Charlie/ground ivy, poison ivy, garlic mustard, bindweed.

            Pumpkins and winter squash vines are taking over the garden. I’m trying to gently guide them back into the fenced part of the garden and then they just sprawl over into other beds, so I’m kind of resigning myself to pumpkins instead of green beans and Brussels sprouts at this point. Many, many pumpkins.

            Currently harvesting lettuce, snap peas, lettuce, baby beets, lettuce, male squash blossoms to stuff with cheese, batter-dip and fry, lettuce, cilantro, lettuce, and also some other lettuce.

    5. Llellayena*

      My deliberately planted garden pots are great, except for the blue flower in my red, white and blue pot that decided I only needed red and white. However the weeds growing up between the brick pavers in the backyard are reaching jungle proportions. Landlord doesn’t seem to realize these things are supposed to fall in his “regular property maintenance” since it’s shared space, not just mine…

    6. jDC*

      Cabbage worms just ate all of my lettuce. I’m so upset. That’s my only input. I have a brown thumb but luckily husband is great at it.

    8. HannahS*

      My tomato blossoms are withering and falling off! I googled, and one suggestion was that there isn’t enough wind on my balcony to help them self-fertilize and fruit. So I’ve been shaking the plants (gently) and hoping that this allows them to fertilize.

    9. I'm a Little Teapot*

      It’s rained for 2 months. My plants are either REALLY happy, or dying from too much water. The grass keeps growing so much it chokes the lawnmower. The weeds, omg, the weeds.

      On the bright side, I haven’t had to water all the new plants, because it’s been raining for 2 months. And they’re mostly in areas that are well drained, so they seem pretty happy.

  46. Mary (in PA)*

    Are there any other beekeepers around here? I am gearing up for a long day of refilling feeders, finding queens, testing (and possibly treating) for parasitic mites, and hopefully some honey extraction. I got two hives last year and ordered another nuc this year, but both of my hives lived through the winter…so now I have four (and possibly five) hives. (I know that math doesn’t work – we had a very complicated swarming season.) I’m in southwestern PA.

    1. Ethyl*

      I really want to start keeping bees once I can figure out if it’s allowed where I live. How did you get started? There’s a local beekeeping group I can attend, are there books or websites you would recommend?

      1. Mary (in PA)*

        I would definitely go to your local group! I would also recommend a book over the vast and unformed Internet. The problem with beekeeping is that if you have five beekeepers, they will have ten opinions. Another good way to learn is to ask an experienced beekeeper if they will let you tag along while they do a hive inspection, and to ask a lot of questions. This will also be a good way to find out if being around lots and lots of bees will freak you out.

        I got started by taking a class at my local community college. It was, like, $60 and met once a week for four weeks. I also got a lot of good printed beekeeping information from the class, and I won a mite tester and another book at the end-of-class raffle.

        Oh, and for an update on my bad math, I now have five and a half hives. And about eight pounds of extracted honey.

      2. I need coffee before I can make coffee*

        “Beekeeping for Dummies” is a good book to give you a sense of what is involved (I borrowed it from the library). I also took a 1 full day class at a local beekeeping supply place and got some good reference materials. It’s not cheap to get started – initial outlay for hives and equipment can be $400 or more. Bees are about $120 and up depending on what type/configuration you get. Honey harvesting gear is another expense as well. I haven’t started yet because I couldn’t afford it this year, but I’m saving up to start next year. I think the recurring expenses aren’t too bad after the startup costs.
        There really are as many opinions as there are beekeepers, so I’m planning to just go with the things that make sense to me.

      3. Ethyl*

        I can’t believe I didn’t think to look for a course, especially when I’m so close to Cornell *facepalm*

        Thanks for the other recs!!!

  47. Alli*

    Any tips for being better with chit chat in a group setting? I consider myself an introvert and have never been especially chatty. I am comfortable talking to people one on one, but I just clam up when there are multiple people (especially if I don’t know them well). For example, sitting at a table at a wedding reception (eight people at the table), I couldn’t join the conversation. Help!

    1. fposte*

      That can actually be a particularly hard situation, because often other people know each other and not you.

      But what about recasting your goals not to be chatty but to feel participatory? That’s where the well-placed question can come in, and you can still sit back and let others do more of the conversational work. “Any good bride or groom stories from college?” “I’ve heard she’s renowned for her Halloween costumes–is that true?” “Wedding favors are getting so ornate–what’s the best one you’ve seen?”

      1. Wishing You Well*

        Sounds good.
        I also find that just smiling and nodding can make you very popular.
        Best of luck at the next wedding reception!

    2. cat socks*

      I’m the same way in large groups. People often comment on how quiet I am, but I am fine having one on one conversations. My husband and his family are rather chatty. I love spending time with them, but I usually just hang out and listen to the conversation. I’m introverted and I have to force myself to stay engaged in the conversation and not start playing on my phone. All that to say that I’ve come to accept that I’ll always be the quiet one in group conversations.

      I definitely can be more difficult to engage in conversation with people you don’t know. Good advice from fposte though about asking questions. I will have to try that myself!

    3. Anono-me*

      Most people’s favorite topic is themselves. You can ask people things like:
      How do you know the people hosting
      Did you have a long drive to get here?
      Did you do anything fun last weekend or just catch up from the week?
      When someone else says something interesting, say so and ask if they can tell you more about it.

      Also, pick three or four fairly neutral but interesting topics of conversation with intro lines that you can have in your mental backpack. You can pull them out as needed. (You might also find having them relaxes you to the point where you don’t even need them. )

      Some examples would be:

      How well the local sports team is doing.

      Any ongoing local road construction project that has dragged on much longer than anticipated.

      A recent popular movie or TV show such as the latest Marvel movie or Game of Thrones.

      1. Agent J*

        Talking about Marvel movies or The Office gets a good conversation going 8/10 times.

    4. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      I have an aunt I remember very fondly (Polio, wheelchair), and looked forward to visiting. In retrospect, she was an introvert but she was GREAT at asking questions and keeping the memories/ connections alive. A genuine interest in others.
      I know others wear me out, but I think if I can shift the focus to having them talk more – and seeking out the interesting things about them – it will help me make it through some of the dreaded events. I am better now than I used to be at making connections “(oh, did you know “X” was a scuba diver too?” which enables me to say one thing and be out of the conversation for a while again!)

  48. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

    Grrr, hayfever! I have never really had allergies until recently, so it is kind of surprising and extra annoying to have them right now. I have been trying to do a lot of weeding and clearing up my overgrown garden but I have to keep stopping and going inside because the sneezing and weird itching in the roof of my mouth gets too much to deal with. I’ve been taking standard OTC allergy meds every morning but they don’t seem to be doing much at all.

    No real question, just a rant!

    1. fposte*

      Hey, you know what’s a thing? Non-allergic rhinitis. IOW, allergy symptoms without the allergic histamine response, so allergy meds and allergy shots don’t do anything. I share this with a sib, and it’s annoying. I find topical stuff the most helpful–Flonase, a neti pot, and Nasalcrom.

      1. Gaia*

        Holy crap. This might explain why allergy meds literally NEVER work for me and I just end up all sniffly and congested and blurry eyed AND tired. UGH

      2. Oldster*

        The ENT gave my daughter a nose spray to use. Non-steroid and said better for nasal issues.

        1. fposte*

          Nasalcrom is OTC non-steroidal and can be really helpful for me. Dunno if that’s the one or not; they also often prescribe Astelin, which is a nasal antihistamine.

      3. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

        Huh. I have never heard of this. I might pop in to the pharmacy tomorrow and ask about it!

      4. I'm a Little Teapot*

        I have both the allergies and the non-allergic rhinitis. I can’t use nasal sprays (something’s weird with my sinus structure), and have to be careful about steroids. I go through a lot of kleenix. It sucks.

    2. Nerdgal*

      I second the recommendation for steroid nasal spray. I use Nasacort. Takes a few days to lick in frilly, but it is great.

      1. Clever Name*

        Seconded. Taking Flonase has changed my life. I can go outside when the ragweed is blooming and actually participate in activities instead of having an hours long sneezing fit.

  49. Overeducated*

    I posted last weekend about trying to decide whether to buy a house or keep renting an older apartment with fewer amenities (e.g. laundry, dishwasher). Lots of people advised, and I think i sounded resistant because I was really frustrated with the options at hand. Thanks all who weighed in, it has been challenging to think through.

    This week we saw the only rental house in our price range and decided it wasn’t worth the monthly spending increase and the effort of a move. Still had cold feet about the risk of buying when we might want new jobs with new commutes in the next couple years. Lease renewal was due so we signed to stay put another year.

    It is a big relief to not have to plan a move, and to have a little more financial wiggle room with a baby coming. (We will almost certainly spend all the excess on childcare, which could have been cheaper if we moved but would have been a big question mark in terms of impact on commutes. But at least we can save more pre-baby.)

    I’m also disappointed, though. I really wanted a dishwasher, guest room, and space to grill and eat outside! And I’m the last of my friends or family with kids to be in an apartment – makes me feel a little like a failure of an adult, everyone else had better luck finding secure and enjoyable jobs in places they want to be long term. I just can’t change some things, but I’ll be spending the next few months trying to change the things I can – rearranging, decluttering, replacing replacing things we’ve been waiting on in case we stretched our budget for a house, etc. And I’d welcome any tips for making a small space work with multiple kids.

    1. Madge*

      IKEA is a great source of ideas, even if you don’t buy their furniture. They have space makeover videos on YouTube and resources on their site. Ive only looked at their US site, but their sites for other countries could have different resources better suited to your home. Apartment Therapy would also be a good resource.

      It sounds like you’re comparing your insides to everyone else’s outsides. You might know a little about your friend’s financial situation, but you can’t really know. They may be in debt up to their eyes. You don’t know the opportunities they’ve passed on because they’re less flexible with a mortgage. They might (probably) envy you for not having to spend and worry about home maintenance and improvements. After spending this past week painting doors, I’m looking back fondly at the years we rented. Maybe read a couple articles about the benefits of renting. Not all financial experts agree that home ownership is the best financial move. Rock your uniqueness. It doesn’t have to be a sign of failure.

    2. JenC*

      This was us 2 years ago. We were living in a tiny place with 3 rapidly growing kids. We had to renew our lease when we failed to qualify for a mortgage. The apt was so so tiny and a hard pill to swallow after really hoping to move to a house that summer. So we took a little of the money we had been saving and bought a new table and couch which massively improved our living conditions and hunkered down for the year. The following summer, we finally got our house and can’t believe we have been here for a year already. So it is possible and there are plus sides to saving up a bit longer. A small baby doesn’t need too much space luckily. I just wanted to empathise and to wish you the best with your baby and hope you get to move to your own home in the near future.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      Small consolation? We were slower than those around us getting a house. This gave us the opportunity to see how others were making out with their choices.
      I can’t tell you how many times I have heard, “This is the type of house WE need.” It ended up because we were behind other people we made a “better” decision. For example, most of our people bought two story houses. We watched them practically killing themselves getting the laundry down two floors to the basement. We then knew, one floor of living area and laundry had to be on the same floor as the living area. Some of our people actually sold their house and got a different one because of this problem. I have other examples of how we learned, but this gives you the idea of what to watch for here. There are definitely advantages to not jumping right in.

      1. Gaia*

        I actually think people don’t consider this often enough. Or don’t consider what it will be like as they age, if they plan to still be in that home. I have family that bought multi story homes and now cannot use entire floors because it isn’t safe for them to walk up and down stairs alone.

        One day, when I buy a home, it will be all living space on one floor and laundry must be on that floor. It can have a basement but nothing I need to access on a regular basis will be there.

        1. Angwyshaunce*

          The house we bought last year is all one floor – we weren’t looking for that, it just worked out that way. It turns out that I don’t miss stairs one bit!

      2. That Girl From Quinn's House*

        Lifehack for getting laundry downstairs: Put the laundry in a bag, make sure the area’s clear, roll it down the stairs.

  50. Mauve Elephant*

    I feel so peculiar. I have $900 in rent that I am hopefully going to borrow from my parent. The only downside is I feel so guilty as my parent is having some severe health issues and should really spend their money on their medical bills instead of helping me. To be honest, I wouldn’t be in this position if my ex paid their court ordered support for our kids. He currently owes several thousand dollars. He is completely capable of paying but simply chooses not to. We are going to court every few months because he refuses to pay until I take him back for contempt. I am not a spendthrift by any means and can make what he pays last longer than what it should. (2 months of payment will last me 6 months) The court system just takes forever in enforcing.

    On a positive note, I am excited the weather is so warm. The kids and I have endless options for fun at home this weekend.

      2. Mauve Elephant*

        Child support is required to be taken out but they do not take medical or child care expenses.

    2. Rubyrose*

      Are you eligible for state aid? They would be real interested in his not paying and would probably help with legal remedies.

      Yeah, I would keep your parents out of it. They need their money. And if you borrowed, when would you be able to pay it back?

      1. Wishing You Well*

        Good questions to think about. It’s also time to explore every government and non-profit resource for help. You might be surprised to find you qualify for some things. Getting on SNAP was the key for getting many other benefits for one penniless friend of mine.
        I hope the future is better for you and the kids.

      2. Mauve Elephant*

        I do not qualify for any assistance. I make too much. I’ve checked before.

        As far as paying my parent back, it would be as soon as my ex pays his payment. We have a hearing for his contempt in a little over a week where I’m betting he will pay then to avoid going to jail.

        1. rubyrose*

          I’m afraid I don’t understand. Are you saying that you have garnished his wages, are getting the child support (required to be taken out) but not the medical and child care? Can you garnish his wages for the medical and child care?

          I had a friend whose ex lived several states away and worked for a very large organization. He was paying nothing but had a good steady job. After the requesting, the waiting, the cajoling, she came upon a plan.

          She cut out the head of their son and pasted it to a postcard. Send the postcard to his work address. The postcard just had a simple note – when are you going to pay the $xxxxx you owe me in child support? She knew this postcard would go to a central mail room and be delivered to him.

          About a week after she dropped that postcard in the mail, she got a response. 1. Please do not ever do that again. 2. Here is my plan on paying the back money. 3. I will stay current on future payments.

          Just a thought.

    1. Nessun*

      Best: signed up for a course on Tarot reading! Super interested in learning but was always a bit leery, finally got over my own bias and got the course.

      Worst: rehashing comments and conversations with my parents because I see them next week. Trying to work through it so I don’t blurt something out when I’m visiting.

    2. Jaid*

      Best: Dinner with friends at a Korean BBQ. Grill your own meat (with some table side assistance!) and all you can eat (in two hours).

      Worst: Trying to sleep later that night without getting indigestion. Haha. At least I dragged myself to work, didn’t take half a day, and even got my laundry done. But you better believe I had some moments that were iffy.

    3. Miss Astoria Platenclear*

      BEST: Periodic get-together with fellow movie fans. Always intelligent, lively conversation.
      WORST: The shift of fireworks from fun shows in the park on July 4 to annoying nightly noise.

    4. Fortitude Jones*

      Best: Traveling to my company’s headquarters in the state I grew up in – I got to eat one of my favorite childhood treats again! It was just as amazing as I remembered from when I was little. I grew closer to a few colleagues I work with who are based out of that location, and I impressed grandboss (who works in another state) with a document I created – he now wants me to work with some people in our company who can help me “pretty up” said document to use it for company-wide training, which he wants me to lead!

      Worst: I overpacked my carry on bag and wasn’t able to bring home some boxed treats only sold in my home state for my mom – she would have loved that. Next time I go out to headquarters, I need to either leave enough room for the boxes or find a way to mail them to my home in different state so I can then give them to my mom.

    5. Beaded Librarian*

      Best: I seem to be getting better at running I can continually run for longer and my speed seems to be going up even in the high heat we are having.

      Worst: having trouble getting myself back out on the bike since my cold race last Saturday. Also one of my objective fitness measurements went down. Need to work on that

    7. Elizabeth West*

      BEST: I’m having a tough time coming up with bests, y’all.

      WORST: Everything.

    8. NewReadingGlasses*

      Best: Kitty is leaning on me purring.

      Worst: It is 92F, ugh get off me cat.

    9. Ruffingit*

      Best: I spent most of today on self-care. Really needed it.

      Worst: Tired of constantly negative colleague.

    10. German Girl*

      Best: My baby is one month old now and doing great.

      Worst: Constantly hungry one month old baby ;) I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in about three months, although looking back I might reclassify getting up every few hours to pee because unborn baby was sitting on my bladder as a good night’s sleep. It’s definitely easier on me than nursing every few hours.

    11. Alpha Bravo*

      Best: I got chickens this week. Almost done distributing the last load of sand and gravel in the paddock and then I’ll be ready for horses. Garden is doing well. My life is objectively pretty great.

      Worst: I still miss Spouse every day and I look around at my sweet life and think, 20 or 30 more years of this? Really?

      I do love my life. I just miss my love.

      1. My Brain Is Exploding*

        Awww, this kinda made me tear up. I don’t have words… Just a big sigh and a hug.

    12. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

      Best: sunshine and fresh fruit
      Worst: constantly getting bombarded by Facebook blood donor ad on profile page. Am not eligible to donate (low iron/underweight and I hate hate hate getting reminded of my body’s inadequacy). Is there no way to turn this off? I tried to hide it thrice but it popped up a fourth time and it’s triggering body insecurities :((((((

  52. Intel Analyst Shell*

    Has anyone done the USDA Rural Home Loan program (guaranteed, not direct)? Tips? Experience? Overall thoughts?

    The appeal for us is the 100% financing. We have great credit but saving $10k for a down payment/closing costs is just daunting.

    1. Nerdgal*

      We sold a house that way. They are very picky about inspections but otherwise are easy to deal with.

      1. bunniferous*

        They are absolutely picky about inspections. For you that is a good thing in the long run.

    2. The Mayor*

      As a mortgage loan officer, I can say USDA is a solid option for a buyer with limited funds, with a couple of caveats; 1) yes, property condition is always a concern with any government-backed loan (FHA, VA, USDA) so be aware of making sure all systems (electical, plumbing, HVAC) are on & operating, be careful if there is a well and/or septic that they are correct distance from house, and make sure any peeling & chipping paint is scraped & repainted. 2) you can negotiate with sellers to pay up to 6% of the sales price to help cover your costs-closing costs, taxes, etc. Also, USED has income maximums and guidelines on disposable income per household member, and limits locations that are eligible for the program, so make sure your bank/loan officer is familiar with USDA & qualifies you accordingly. Good luck!

    3. self employed*

      I have a friend who used one for the same reason. They didn’t prepare for home repairs, etc. in a very educated way (I.e. saying between 1-3% a year of the home’s value to put towards repairs and work) which means they have been scraping by. I am of the belief that if you don’t have enough for a down payment and a repair/emergency fund, you’re not ready to have a house. (I had to replace a roof and an appliance within a month of closing, as an example.)

  53. Indigo64*

    Looking for advice on dealing with dementia.

    My gram has dementia and she can be very difficult to be around, and I find myself dreading spending time with her. She can be verbally abusive and it’s hard to remember “it’s not her, it’s the dementia” when she’s personally attacking you. She’s always been a little rough around the edges and the type to speak her mind even when it rocks the boat. When she says mean stuff, I’m often left wondering if that’s how she’s always felt, but pre-dementia she had the self-control not to say it. She was always there for us growing up and I feel guilty for not wanting to be around her in her old age, when she needs us.

    1. fposte*

      Oh, I’m sorry. That’s really hard. But honestly, it can be really hard to support even the most loving person with dementia/cognitive problems; I don’t think you need to feel guilty about finding it hard. Pace yourself; take breaks; consider a support group if you think you’d find it helpful.

      And I don’t think it’s true that what she says now is necessarily what she always thought. Dementia isn’t simply a blunting of filters like alcohol, it’s a genuine personality change and problems in processing emotion. If she was a plainspoken but loving grandparent for previous decades, I think you can take those previous decades at face value and not let them get overshadowed by how she’s behaving when she has essentially a TBI.

      1. Anono-me*

        As someone who has worked with dementia patients in the past, I have to say this is beautifully put.

    2. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

      I watched a number of videos by a lady named Teepa Snow on her website. She does caregiver training. The videos are great, though I can’t say if they actually work since I don’t have a loved one with dementia. I learned a lot, and I would totally sign up for her training sessions or buy the video course if I needed it.

      Apparently, bad words last longer when you start to forget the rest.

    3. Washi*

      Can you do things with her that don’t involve very much talking? Maybe watch a movie, listen to the radio, or listen to her favorite music (search “henry music and memory” on youtube if you want to see the effect music can have and also probably cry.)

      Also, are you seeing her in a group or one-on-one? It’s nearly impossible for the impaired person to totally follow a group conversation (and people with dementia can be very good at giving the right cues that they’re following, even if they’re not) and if she’s feeling frustrated, that may increase the lashing out. Once someone is in the later stages, it helps to be one-on-one and sit closer to the person than you might normally, since dementia also often messes with your peripheral vision.

      I really like Kristin Belfry’s “How to talk so Alzheimer’s can hear you” on Youtube, and she also has a video about Combative Behavior. Caregiver trainings are great, but it’s nice to hear from a real person about her challenges caring for her grandmother.

      And lastly, it’s really easy to have this idea of how a visit “should” go, but I think it’s easier to just make your goal showing up as often as you are able, doing your best, and letting the results be what they are. It sounds like you’re doing your best to be there for her, and that’s all you can do!

    4. Lilysparrow*

      If she was never mean before, these mean things are not her “true thoughts” coming out. Dementia doesn’t just weaken your filter, it changes your personality and alters your perceptions and thinking.

      I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, I know it’s really hard. Maybe it would help to think of your grandma as being “in there,” trapped with this mean person who is not the grandma you know.

      By showing up, you’re giving your “real” grandma some nice company instead of her having to deal with these mean thoughts by herself.

      I don’t know, that might not be helpful for you. But it’s the kind of thing that has helped get me through some tough times.

    5. Wishing You Well*

      I would look for expert advice on this one. Look up those caregiver videos/ask a social worker/read a book on dealing with dementia. If your grandmother is in a facility, I’d ask the staff for advice and/or references. Exposing yourself to verbal abuse on a regular basis isn’t good for you regardless of the source. Please find techniques to protect yourself. Leaving is okay when you’ve had enough. You have to take care of yourself first.
      Really hoping things get better for you in the future.

    6. Not A Manager*

      I’m sorry this is so hard. I guarantee that this is not your “real grandmother” being revealed. The reason I know is that my mother has Sweet Alzheimers and not Mean Alzheimers. And while she was not a nasty person by any means, neither was she ever in her life a sweet person. This disease has changed her just as your grandmother’s disease has.

      I sit with my mother now and I think, “this is a very nice old lady but where is my real mom?”

    7. Lizabeth*

      Is there a time to visit where she’s more positive than negative? My mom has been in memory care for two years when Dad admitted that he could no longer take care of her at home by himself and with people coming in. Her sweet spot is after lunch but before 4 pm when she starts sundowning. Most days she’s in a good mood and I bring ice cream and cookies every time for her (serious sweet tooth!) If I visit later in the day or we have to take her out of the unit for a doctor’s appt. in the afternoon I become the Devil Child while my sister is the Good Child. We think it’s because she and I really butt heads while growing up and my sister rarely gave her problems. It’s not personal, it’s the dementia talking. It might mean you only visit for ten minutes – food is a good thing, especially if she has favorites. Bring a photo album from the past to go through – I just discovered that Mom really doesn’t have the patience to go through one with me BUT if I go though it there and show her the occasional photo she’ll look at it. The biggest thing is to go in without any expectations and go with their flow in the moment. It’s hard to see a loved one changing.

    8. I'm a Little Teapot*

      Dementia sucks. Really. I’m so sorry. The biggest thing I can advise is to make sure you take care of yourself. If you can, get others (especially non-family) to help care for her.

      I’ve been told, and from what I’ve seen I agree, that dementia will magnify the underlying personality while at the same time removing filters and inhibitions.

  54. Nessun*

    I’m traveling back to my parent’s place this weekend and I think I have everything under control. My folks are coming to the city this time, instead of me to them, so that’s a plus. And Dad knows I’ve only got a short amount of patience if Mum has no time for me (my sister and niece will be coming too), but hopefully being out and about will help. I’m staying in a hotel, so I’ll have a good space of my own. I’m booked every night to do things with people, but it’s a shorter trip than last time and less travel once I’ve flown in, so that should help.

    One thing that’s getting me is I want to raise something to my parents that my sister said, and can’t decide if I want to do it face to face or not.
    My parents gave money to both my sisters when they married; I know that, it was their money, and that’s fine. But apparently Mum told my sister I’ve been given the same, just not a lump sum since I didn’t get married. …I’ve never seen that money. I don’t need it, but the fact my sister thinks I’ve got over ten grand socked away that I got from them, and the fact that Mum seems to think she GAVE me that, is annoying and worrying. I may just wait and ask Dad about it over the phone when I’m back in my own place. Travel and family drama…next week.

    1. Agent J*

      How does your family normally talk about money, if at all? Do they feel shame, hostility, indifferent?

      For instance, my mom carries a lot of shame about money. She doesn’t normally talk about it over the phone or face-to-face, she’d rather text me about it (which makes it a little easier on me to tell her no).

      If you want to wait to mention it on the phone, maybe make casual. Something like: “Hey Mum/Dad, Sister told me something kind of interesting. She mentioned [insert details about the money] but I don’t remember that. Do you?” Keeping it casual implies a oh-the-weather-is-nice-today tone that hopefully will quell some defensiveness. You could also try it face to face but given that you’re already preparing some space/boundaries during this visit, it might cause more stress for you than help get you the answers you want.

      1. fposte*

        Yeah, depending on the family this could be best approached very stealthily or approached so openly that it seems like NBD. I lean a bit toward the latter–an amused “Hey, did you know Jane thinks you gave me $10k? What’s up with that?” can be impressively low-key if done right.

        1. valentine*

          I would address it with Mum, not Dad, in person, for body language, and not rush to fill any silence. I might also say, “That would be a lovely, welcome gift.”

    2. Lilysparrow*

      You know the players in this situation best, but are you sure your mom actually said that?

  55. Marmaduke*

    A friend of mine is trying to raise money for her cancer treatment, including a benefit craft sale, and I’m trying to think of ideas for what to make. So far I’ve made:
    Crocheted tea towel holders
    Crocheted soft toys
    Crocheted coffee cup cozies
    Flannel soft toys
    Braided rugs
    Lotion bars
    Sugar scrub cubes
    Fabric wreaths
    Change stations (Wall-mounted caddies built to hold diaper changing supplies)

    Any suggestions of additional handmade items that might sell?

    2. Tomato Anonymato*

      Wow, you’ve made a lot – that’s wonderful! I’d try heat pads! I think you can use rice to fill them. And perhaps pet sweaters or other accessories since you crochet?

      1. Marmaduke*

        I’ve considered sweaters and warmers, but the sale is in Alabama in August and I’m not sure whether I’m going to be able to sell people on the concept of anything warm! What do you think?

    3. Gaia*

      You’ve made a lot – that is really awesome. You’re a good friend.

      Also, wtf is wrong with this place that we have to raise money for cancer treatments? Ugh. We fail as a society. I hope your friend has successful treatment!

    4. Llellayena*

      Trivets/hot pads in the same way you make the braided rugs. Pin cushions? (Odd shapes are fun). Small items are likely to sell faster, especially if they are a small version of the technique of a larger item (“I love ‘big item’ but can’t afford it, oh look at ‘small item’ with the same pattern!).

    7. Anono-me*

      I absolutely love the kitchen towels with a crocheted bit that lets you hook it onto the an appliance.

      Stuff for kids usually sells pretty quick. For example the flower crowns with ribbon. For those you make a small wire circlet and then using floral tape decorate the front with silk flowers and finish by tying on ribbons to go down the back. Magic wands also go like hotcakes, every time I’ve seen them. Small branches stripped of bark, dried, and then decorated.

      1. Marmaduke*

        The tea towel holders I mentioned are basically the crocheted bit of one of the kitchen towels, connected to an elastic ring so that you can use it with any towel you like! It’s nice because you can pop out a dirty towel and pop a new one in without ever needing to detach the piece that’s attached to your appliance.

        I’ll definitely make some of the flower crowns and wands. I think I might make some simple tutus to match, too.

    8. Tris Prior*

      Pet-related stuff tends to do well around here. People will spend on Fido or Fluffy even if they are hesitant to spend on themselves.

      1. Ewesername*

        Light weight crocheted market bags for fruits and veggies would be nice too, seeing as we’re all trying to reduce our plastic. Ravelry has some nice free patterns

    10. Nana*

      Depends, too, on your ‘audience.’ Lots of young families? Baby stuff/toys. Older folks…not so much. If it’s hot, winter-y stuff (except holidays) won’t sell. Crocheted soft toys with (a) different sized ‘handles’ for holding and/or (b) well-sewn-on bells.
      Not too early for Halloween and/or Thanksgiving crafts…lots on Google/Ravelry/etc.

  56. embarrassed strawberry without seeds*

    Am I just being a drama queen here now? My friends got together this week. I wanted to go but got out of work late and was just too wiped to make the trek across town in the heat/humidity. In hindsight I should not have agreed to a weekday get together.

    So when i texted I’m sorry I couldn’t make it…. not a single response from anyone. I guess this si the drama queen part b/c Im like.. wtf ???

    This is the second get together in a row I’ve skipped. The last one was during my busy time at work where I was working 70 hours a week. I have been going through a rough time for the last year and a half now w/ other stuff (I’m already seeing a therapist). I basically just work and on days off run errands. I am too wiped out by the end of the work day to do much else. any rare social gatherings are with coworkers. My friends get together like every 2-3 months. so not very often. Everyone is busy with their business jobs kids, life, and that’s good. I just miss hanging out with them.

    1. Agent J*

      Could they just be busy or bad texters? Is it normal for them to text back quickly?

      I tend to get nervous when people don’t text me back right away but I have to remind myself that sometimes people are just busy kr forgot to text back. If you’re really concerned with them leaving you out of the group, you can explain your situation to them. Let them know that you don’t have the time or energy right now to join social outings but continue to invite you so that you can join when you’re able. If they have been good friends to you thus far, trust that they still love you and want to include you.

    2. self employed*

      I could see not replying if it came late after everyone got there, or as everyone is driving to the destination. Or perhaps they are feeling chilly because they feel blown off. Have you talked to any of them about it (not texting)?

    3. Lilysparrow*

      What type of reply would you expect, or have you received in the past? To me, “Sorry I can’t make it” would just be information for the headcount, or that we shouldn’t wait to order. I wouldn’t assume that a reply was needed, though I might check in a few days later.

      Do you normally have full conversations over text with this group of friends? Or do you normally call or email? If you feel like you are missing them and want to connect, it might be good to reach out on a different medium.

      1. valentine*

        I wouldn’t assume that a reply was needed
        Right. It’s an FYI.

        Cut back your hours. Make time for your friends. Where’s your PTO? Maybe you can use some to invite a couple of people to low-key things, though I understand if they’d rather all go to the group thing because they just don’t have the bandwidth for more and they want to max out.

    4. Alex*

      It seems like maybe this is less about a specific text and more about feeling both disconnected from your friends and too overwhelmed to actually go connect with them, and that maybe that they should have picked up on that and reached out to you.

      Been there. And the thing to do? Reach out to them and tell them what you need, because they don’t know right now.

      As an introvert, I feel way more comfortable with one person than in a group. Maybe that would feel less like work at this point? Can you pick your favorite and/or least busy friend and say “I haven’t been able to make our social gatherings lately due to all the crap going on, but I’m realizing now that I need some time with a friend because I’m feeling left out/lonely. Can we make some time to just hang out for a couple of hours? I miss people.”

      What would happen if you did that?

    5. Dan*

      To the yes/no part of your question about being a drama queen… I guess the answer’s yes. I don’t see anything in that particular interaction that suggests follow-up from them would have been warranted, and that you should be pissed because they didn’t.

      General answer, in part picking up on other responses in this thread: Often times “little”, more concrete things bother us because there is some sort of broader general pattern that *is* troublesome, but harder to pin down. As a simple example, consider someone who literally never responds to a text. They may have “good reasons” (TM) to not respond to any one specific text, but after awhile, the pattern is, they never respond to anything.

    6. ainomiaka*

      I guess I am kinda not sure what you are looking for. You’re looking for them to do extra work when you decide you just aren’t up for going out? Something else? How can your friends win in this situation? And whatever you want, are you doing the same for them? Deciding that what you need to do is just go home is absolutely your prerogative, but if you really miss hanging out with your friends you have to decide to do that instead.

  57. Sleepy*

    A wedding shower where the only gift requested is cash for the honeymoon—gauche or the new normal?

      1. valentine*

        Gauche, unless it is the equivalent of Constanzia Corleone bagging all the sweet, sweet cash at her wedding.

        Two people have set the bar, though, at:
        ~asking for $60,000 for a destination wedding
        ~instructing guests, based on assigned gender, to choreography/hideous wardrobe as part of a beach wedding; I think it was green tops/red trousers/something pink for women and camo for men

    2. Agent J*

      I think asking for money will always feel a little weird. But in the post-GoFundMe era and people waiting longer to get married (so they have a lot of the things you’d give as a wedding present already), I see the logic in asking for the money you’d spend on a wedding gift to contribute to lifelong memories that will have more meaning for the couple.

    3. CTT*

      A little gauche, but I also think it’s going to become more popular as people get married later and already have all the plates/sheets/blenders that usually make up registries

    4. Sleepy*

      I think I’m put off because I spent a lot of money (for me) attending a destination bachelorette for the bride. If I hadn’t done that, giving cash might feel less weird.

      1. fposte*

        I’m not a fan of cash myself, but I also think it’s important for attendees/attendants to remember it’s up to us to decide how much we’ll be spending, so that if you’ve hit your total budget for the wedding events by attending the bachelorette you don’t have to keep giving. (Though a shower is the outlier event where you need to give something if you go.) I think it can feel a little bit like wedding events are increasing–which I think they are–but that guests have no ability to limit what they give–which isn’t true.

    5. Kathenus*

      If I’m giving money for any event, I’d want it to go to something the person/couple really wants. So maybe from an etiquette standpoint it’s gauche, but to me I like knowing that the gift is really wanted by the recipient. That makes it really rewarding for me.

    6. Ethyl*

      I think it’s going to be the new normal since as others have said, people are generally waiting longer to get married so they don’t need “household” stuff since they usually already have it. We actually registered for nice plates and silverware and stuff and NOBODY got us ANYTHING off the registry. We almost 100% got money. It was a little weird.

    7. a teacher*

      The way I see it, why would you want to give people gifts that were not wanted or useful to them? Most people getting married these days already live together and have the requisite household stuff, and matching china and a silver set and the like are just not as much of a thing as they used to be. Additionally, people these days already have too much stuff.

      2. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

        Sincere question: where does the idea that specifying money rather than stuff is gauche come from?

        I’ve been to weddings in different parts of the world and with people from different backgrounds, and it is perfectly normal to give a little money instead of a gift. Most of my friends had pretty limited gift registries and asked for money towards a specific purpose, like a house down payment, instead of stuff they didn’t need. In my case there were logistical barriers to physical gifts, plus we were planning to buy a house a few years after the wedding, so we asked for money to put towards buying appliances. At what point does it cease being gauche to alter a tradition to meet reality?

        1. New Normal*

          I don’t know but I sincerely hope this is a tradition we can change. DH and I were both in grad school so we dearly needed cash for tuition, food, books, etc. Add in getting married a plane-flight away from where we lived and a tiny grad school apartment and what we DIDN’T need were the exact things we got: a family-sized rice cooker, a pasta maker, full bed set including a bulky comforter, a cake plate… I mean, I appreciate the intentions but we suddenly had all this STUFF we had to ship and store or surreptitiously return during our honeymoon at the same time that we were getting our food staples from a local food pantry.

          1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

            This was our situation. We were grad students and lived in a tiny flat, and were getting married on the other side of the country and had to take everything home on the train, and many of our guests were flying transatlantic. I didn’t really want anyone to buy us anything, but everyone asked what they could get us so it seemed best to steer them to whatever was most useful. We still ended up storing some things at the in-laws’ for a few years until they drove up to visit our new house.

        2. fposte*

          Well, it’s never really about meeting reality or not reality; it’s about the changing of convention. And of course there are plenty of cultures where cash is the established convention! That doesn’t mean cultures where it isn’t the convention are wrong to take a different tack, though.

          The changing convention here is a challenge because gifts are always a challenge, and the expectation of gifts is tricky to negotiate without treating people like they owe you what you want. Wedding gifts of any kind from non-family are a pretty recent development, and the main driver there was department stores, who did for wedding gifts what the diamond industries did for engagement rings–created the notion of a must-have standard that made the industry a crap-ton of money. 20th century American etiquette of the Post/Vanderbilt type school generally opposed stated expectations of gifts in any situation and wasn’t a fan of including registry information with wedding information but did generally acknowledge their utility in allowing people to give something they wanted without duplicating.

          The needle’s been nudged from there already, and the approach that you’re talking about moves the needle further and by a fair bit. I’m not saying it’s wrong or impractical, but it’s built on the assumption that getting married involves an influx of assets that it’s up to the couple to openly direct as they please, rather than gifts being the province of the giver. And to those of us more familiar with the older tradition, that’s really discordant. It doesn’t mean I sulk about it or hate people who do it, but it’s a pretty big difference.

        3. ainomiaka*

          it’ really only gauche in attempting to copy upper class northern/western European descended culture. you’re right-in most other parts of the world this is normal because it is infinitely more useful.

          1. fposte*

            That’s a slightly odd way of phrasing it, though–that’s like saying we’re “copying” by speaking English. American etiquette strands are just as real and valid as European, and none of them in either place are carved in stone for millennia; they’re all influenced by changing times and different cultures.

          2. TL -*

            I actually don’t think it’s more useful if you’re setting up a household.

            The best gift I got for college graduation wasn’t cash (which went to student loans), it was $30 laundry “gift basket” full of what my cousin considered cleaning necessities and toilet paper. I would not have thought to buy any of that until I needed it because I’d never set up a household before – it was hands down the best gift I’ve ever gotten because it was so useful and very well curated.

            The second best was the kitchen stuff my mom got me – again, stuff I wouldn’t know I needed until I needed it because I’d never done it before. The cash was nice, don’t get me wrong, but having people who ran a household give me well thought out essentials was way more useful.

    9. Dan*

      Both. And it doesn’t bother me.

      Side story… Back when I was like 13 or something like that, I told my grandparents that I wanted rollerblades for my birthday. They said, how much does it cost, we’ll write you a check, and you can buy what works for you. Ever since then, I absolutely totally loved cash for a holiday present. The reality is, back then, the things I “wanted” were on the more expensive side, and it worked out better for me to cobble together various small(er) cash gifts and parlay them into something I truly wanted.

      Fast forward like ten years after that, and my mom said to me one day, “you know, ever since you started asking for cash for holidays, I really didn’t like it, because I missed wrapping stuff and giving you something.” Fair enough. I did tell her that in my college days (this conversation happened shortly after I graduated) most of my gift money went towards books, and one semester I ended up spending $800 on textbooks. I also told her that no matter how much she enjoyed wrapping stuff up, there was no way in hell I was going to actually like unwrapping a text book. She said to me, “Why didn’t you tell me about the books?” Response: Because you never asked. That and I’m never going to tell you I want a text book for Xmas. Because I don’t. I *need* a text book. Xmas is for stuff I want, but $ doesn’t grow on trees.

      Back to the wedding stuff. I’m nearing 40. I’ve been married once before. I have decent stuff in the kitchen and for tableware. (Put it this way. I like my tableware, and don’t want to replace it for the sake of a “gift.”) If I get married again, If I *need* anything, it’s a honeymoon or house down payment fund. As for stuff around the house, I’ve got the little things covered. (Ok, new furniture or bed would be great, but that stuff ain’t cheap either.)

      So cash is practical, and there’s no way I can argue that.

    10. Sam Foster*

      New normal if it is through one of those sites where you can buy their airfare or a massage or whatnot. If I ever get married, I’d do this or a house down payment.

      If it is a straight “bring an envelope with cash” and it’s not a culture that does that then it is gauche!

    11. Traffic_Spiral*

      I’ve seen it done as a registry, and honestly, I thought it was a good idea. They didn’t need napkin holders or new cups, but they did want to go snorkeling so… I mean, what’s the difference to me? I think if you can arrange it so that you’re still buying gifts and they’re just experiences instead of houseware? Yeah, why not?

    12. Policy wonk*

      Gauche. New normal to request cash for the wedding, but having a shower for cash? That’s a cash grab disguised as a party. Don’t have one.

    13. Jack Russell Terrier*

      I’m not a big fan of this – but in my opinion cash is better than a wedding registry. A registry takes an admin fee – so you’re giving 100 cents on your dollar.

      We got married late – when people asked, we said we’d like experience gifts and got some cracking gifts. Turns out the Washington, DC JCC has fabulous theatre – who knew? We also got some brilliant dinners out with friends, so we could spend time with them too.

    14. londonedit*

      Before I answer, general questions as wedding showers aren’t a thing in my (UK) culture – what are they? A party before the wedding? Who would go, everyone or just friends of the bride? Here, we have a stag do for the groom and his friends, a hen do for the bride and her friends, and those don’t usually involve gifts (it’s more a night out/weekend away, maybe the friends would chip in for some silly novelty items or they’d pay for the groom/bride’s share of the cost).

      We give gifts for the actual wedding – and only people who attend the actual wedding would give a gift. Over the last few decades it’s been usual for people to have a wedding list set up, so that people can choose to buy something they know the couple will want/need. That’s fairly normal. Increasingly, however, because most couples now live together before they’re married, I have been seeing people including a note with the wedding invitation that says they’re not asking for physical gifts, as they have everything they need, but if people want to contribute, they’d really appreciate a gift towards the honeymoon. People have varying views on this – in Britain discussing money is usually seen as pretty crass, as is outright asking people for cash, but it is something more and more couples are doing.

      1. Jack Russell Terrier*

        A Bachelor and Bachelorette are the same in the US as UK Stag and Hen dos. A wedding shower in the US is traditionally when women get together to give household necessities to the bride (and groom). It comes from a time when people got married before they set up a home so that they the shower would kit them out with the necessary pots, bedclothes etc. In the past, it was just the women getting together and mostly it still is just the ladies. Some are ‘co-ed’. Now that most people have all their own housewares when they marry, it has a funny place. Most people still have a shower and fill in things they need – and honestly ‘upgrade’, which I don’t think is kind. This happens because most people buy off the wedding registry for the shower as well as the wedding. Some have themes ‘bring your favorite recipe’ some are lingerie. Many have multiple showers – including office showers (which should not be allowed because of people basically having to pay towards a gift for a college). There are also baby showers to give new parents the necessary (should only be held for first babies).

        Honeymoon registries are controversial here too. I’m not a fan – I prefer the idea of ‘experience gifts’, which we did. When someone asked, we said ‘anything would be great but we’d love experience gifts – lets go out for a nice dinner or trips to the theatre etc’. That worked out really well.

        I also hate the fact that honeymoon registries themselves take an admin fee – so I just give give cash. Cash is never looked down on here and that way the couple get 100 cents on the dollar.

  58. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

    I’ve been meaning to read more non-fiction. I tend to enjoy books that get kind of into the academic weeds. I’d love a history of spelling, or the life of an random lady-in-waiting, a description of the mating habits of marmots or the science of magma flow. In other words, don’t worry if the subject matter is too obscure.

    Could you recommend one or two of your favorite books in your area of expertise?

    I’m currently in love with Janet Arnold’s Patterns of Fashion, which are patterns taken from actual historical garments, plus photos, paintings, fashion drawings and quotes from historical sources.

    1. curly sue*

      Have you seen Janet Arnold’s ‘Queen Elizabeth’s Wardrobe Unlock’d’? It’s an amazing book that looks at QEI’s old inventories and the culture of clothing surrounding her and her court. In a similar vein, there’s Maria Hayward’s ‘Dress at the Court of King Henry VIII,’ which also goes into the wardrobes of his wives and children.

      On a similarly material-culture note, one of my current favourite recommendations is by Zara Anishanslin, ‘Portrait of a Woman in Silk: Hidden Histories of the British Atlantic World.’ She takes a portrait, the design for the silk pattern itself, and the history of silk production in the eighteenth century and weaves (sorry-not-sorry) a phenomenal object biography out of it all.

      1. curly sue*

        Oh, and ‘Making Murder Public: Homicide in Early Modern England.’ (Krista Kesselring, 2019). It’s academic, but her writing style is wonderfully clear.

      2. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

        Wardrobe Unlock’d is on my list! I’ll have to look at the others, they sound amazing too.

        And that book on murder sounds like something I’d love and exactly what I’m looking for! Unfortunately, I can’t find it in any of the library systems I have access to. There is no way I can afford my reading habit, so I don’t buy books unless I’m absolutely longing for them. Fortunately the interlibrary loan system here is amazing and lets me borrow from academic libraries. But it doesn’t have everything.

        1. curly sue*

          Ohh – I wonder if it’s not out yet? I was at a seminar where Dr. Kesselring was presenting on the topic and I’d thought it was already in print. Try The Ward Uncovered : The Archaeology of Everyday Life instead. I also saw this team present, and bought a copy of their book last year. It’s a fascinating look at the history of a downtown sector of Toronto through the lens of a recent archaeological dig.

        2. MMB*

          1421 by Gavin Menzies is an archaeological and historical examination of China’s exploration/navigation of the world prior to European exploration. It’s utterly intriguing and fascinating!

      1. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

        Is this name right? I’m not finding anything written by a David Kuransky.

        1. Bluebell*

          Are you thinking Mark Kurlansky? He has written lots of excellent nonfiction.
          I’m also a fan of Bill Bryson. So entertaining. And Erik Larson for fantastic historical nonfiction. Not exactly what you requested but so good.

        2. peanut*

          Not OP but maybe nerdgal meant Mark Kurlansky, who writes a lot of non fiction about one topic, like salt.

        3. frockbot*

          Maybe Nerdgal meant Mark Kurlansky? He’s written a bunch of dense, close-read stuff about, like, paper, and fish!

          2. Nerdgal*

            Yes nerdgal did mean Mark Kurkansky! Nerdgal is sorry for the confusion. His books are really good!

    3. Zephy*

      If you haven’t read much John McWhorter, I’d give him a try. He’s a linguist – I don’t think he’s fully tackled the history of spelling specifically, but he did publish a book in 2016 called “Words on the Move: Why English Won’t–and Can’t–Sit Still (Like, Literally),” which sounds like something in that vein. I haven’t read that specific book yet, though it’s been on my Amazon wishlist for a minute, and I’ve read some other works of his. I find his writing style to be both accessible and informative, and he’s pretty funny, too.

    4. The 6th Spice Girl*

      I recently read and loved The Ravenmaster by Christopher Skaife. He’s a Yeoman Warder/Ravenmaster at the Tower of London. A fascinating blend of bird behavioral info and British history — witty writing overall, a quick read, but the kind that piques your interest and makes you want to read about like 10 other subjects.

    5. Llellayena*

      “Why buildings fall down”
      It gets into things like the effect of earthquakes on buildings, the Tacoma Narrows bridge collapse and the leaning tower of Pisa. After 9/11, it was re-printed with a chapter on the towers falling.

    7. Villanelle*

      I really enjoyed a book about the history of the contraceptive pill -it was by Johnathan Eig.

    8. Lilysparrow*

      Anything by Dava Sobel. My favorite has been “Longitude: The True Story of a Lone Genius Who Solved the Greatest Scientific Problem of His Time.”

    9. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      Erik Larsen (I think?) – Devil in the White City and Thunderstruck. The former is simultaneously about the Chicago World’s Fair and the serial killer HH Holmes, the latter is about both the development of wireless messaging (Marconi) and how it was used to catch a murderer.

    10. Anono-me*

      I really like former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright book about her pins. It’s not an in-depth essay it’s just pictures of her pens with a few paragraphs about the pin and how it fits in her life.

    12. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      I really enjoyed Math with Bad Drawings by Ben Orlin. It’s a really approachable discussion of a lot of different kinds of math and how it applies lots of places in life, and it doesn’t assume that you have a high-level math background or anything so it should be readable by non-math people. (It’s a general book rather than a textbook, so there are no problem sets or anything beyond a few optional puzzles you can try if you want.)

      He has another on on calculus coming out this fall, apparently.

    13. I need coffee before I can make coffee*

      “Astrophysics for People in a Hurry” by Neil DeGrasse Tyson.

    14. NewReadingGlasses*

      I recommend “Ignition! An Informal History of Liquid Rocket Propellents” By John Clark.
      Also writing down a bunch of titles from this thread…

      1. NewReadingGlasses*

        By the way Ignition can be found free online as a pdf, since it was out of print for years. (Its back in print, but the pdf is still out there).

    15. Tort-ally HareBrained*

      Tuna: A Love Story by Richard Ellis. Or I also love his Singing Whales and Flying Squid.

    16. NforKnowledge*

      I’m enjoying The Catapult by Tracey Rihll and Thinking Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman

      1. NforKnowledge*

        Oh, also! The Origin of Species (Charles Darwin) is suprisingly accessible and a really nice read. I’m due a re-read I think.

    17. The Messy Headed Momma*

      “The Feather Thief” by Kirk Wallace Johnson. Guy obsessed with a very specific form of “art”, who goes to great lengths to steal the materials to create such art.

    18. Lost in the Woods*

      S.S. Montefiore writes history books which I would consider to be less dense than history books published for an academic audience, but leagues above most “pop-history.” My favorite book of his is “The Court of the Red Tsar,” which is about Stalin’s life after his takeover of the Soviet Union.

      If you’re interested in denser academic-geared history, I would recommend “Life Along the Silk Road” by Susan Whitfield, which is a really unusual book which uses archeological and textual evidence to postulate about the lives of various people along the silk road trade routes.

      1. Elspeth Mcgillicuddy*

        Thanks for all the recommendations everybody! I have a good list now.

        And yes, I really am interested in denser, academic geared anything. That Silk Road book sounds like exactly what I’m looking for.

    19. Earthwalker*

      Robert Leckie’s histories are wonderful. I particularly liked Delivered from Evil about WWII. He dove into the characters of all the leaders in a way that made a historic subject seem so much more exciting than I had ever imagined. If you don’t mind going slowly and pondering a bit, QED (for Quantum Electrodynamics) by Feynman. Also, A Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking. Physics is not my forte but I love both of these.

    20. lasslisa*

      A few books I was assigned as textbooks and found them so intriguing that I’ve kept them and still occasionally re-read them:

      1. A Question Of Intent, by David Kessler – about the battle to prove the tobacco industry was covering up the effects of cigarette smoking.
      2. Soul By Soul, Life in the Antebellum South – about the slave trade

      A few others I’ve got on my bookshelf and would recommend: Traffic, by Tom Vanderbilt; Being Mortal, by Atul Gawande; Sons of the Profits, about the founding of Seattle, by William C Speidel.

  59. Starting to hate dogs*

    My neighbor complained to our town that I’m not taking care of my lawn. The side yard that butts to their property is unmowed and about eight inches high.

    The problem is that they have a huge, nasty dog tied to their garage, and the leash is long enough that the dog regularly comes on our property. Last week it lunged at our living room window when it saw my cats on the windowsill, and smeared spit all down the window. The side yard CAN’T be mowed, it’s completely full of this dog’s shit (to the point that it stinks from a few yards away) and the dog lunges for me every time I get near that part of the yard.

    I’ve explained multiple times that they need to shorten the leash to keep the dog on their property, and I need them to clean up the shit in my yard so I can mow. They refuse to do either, and instead tried to file a complaint against me. I am so fed up.

    Seriously, this dog is terrifying. I can get along with almost any animal, but there is something not right with this one. It’s the size of a small pony (I think it’s part mastiff?) and its eyes just look evil.

    1. Agent J*

      I imagine if the neighbor filed a complaint about your yard, you can file one about the dog? I’m not suggesting you start a mini feud but based on your explanation, it seems like a logical reason for the yard not being mowed.

      Difficult, entitled neighbors are so annoying.

      1. Traffic_Spiral*

        You don’t even have to file a new complaint, just list the dog in your response to their complaint. Easy-peasy. It’s not retaliation – they brought it up, so now the reason why you aren’t mowing the lawn is brought up.

    2. fposte*

      Is it worth calling animal control, if only for a conversation? It sounds like it’s beyond working out between you two, and you presumably have to respond to the city about this complaint anyway.

      Longer term, is there a place where fencing could run to keep the dog on his own property?

      1. Gatomon*

        +1 Fence is probably the long-term solution unless there’s a chance they move out.

        We had this problem growing up with the neighbors. They had a puppy on a lead that was too long, and an adult dog they left outside constantly that had an invisible fence that didn’t work on it. The adult dog would run right through the bushes they had to attack our dog and family, and the puppy used our side lawn all the time. My parents took to keeping the hose out and spraying the adult dog every time it came near our property. (Probably not the right response.) The neighbors started a poop-fine war. We ended up moving away, but it was the pettiest crap I’ve ever seen adults engage in. Since then I feel that fenced-yards should be a requirement for dog ownership and neighborhood peace.

    3. Mammo-anon*

      In my area, if the leashed dog can reach another’s property or public property (sidewalk, for example) it’s breaking some sort of law or ordinance. You should report this. Oh, and the dogshit. Owners can be fined for not cleaning up after their dog. YMMV.

    4. LCL*

      You are right to be scared of this dog. It’s well known that leaving a dog chained up causes them to be fearful and aggressive. You can definitely find out whatever local agency regulates animal problems and contact them re having the neighbors clean up. But unfortunately the law varies widely regarding the legality of chaining up dogs. The way they are keeping the dog may be illegal, but it’s much more likely that it’s legally fine, though ethically abhorrent.

      1. fposte*

        Chaining the dog is probably legal, but letting the dog run on the neighbor’s property isn’t likely to be, not in an area that cares about 8″ grass.

    5. blackcat*

      I’d call whomever they reported you to and explain the situation, and ask who to call about enforcing ordinances around animals. You can be really explicit: “Their dog is highly aggressive and lunges at me when I attempt to reach this part of my yard. If I actually enter that part of my property, the dog can reach me, and I am worried about being attacked. Who do I call about this dog?”

      Next time the dog so much as sets foot on your property, call animal control. You have the right to have them remove the dog from your property.

      As a much longer term fix: is a fence a viable option? I would want a fence around neighbors like that.

    6. Wishing You Well*

      If they complained verbally to the town, respond to the town verbally. If they filed a written complaint, respond in writing.
      In fact, start documenting your problem and your communications with the neighbors. Any neighbor that ties up a dog so it can lick your windows, then complains that you don’t mow that side – well, wow.
      Hoping for the best.

      1. valentine*

        I’m thinking the neighbor is enjoying this weird hostage taking/control.

        Hire a surveyor to mark the property line. Read the local ordinance on who’s responsible for what regarding the fence. Put a fence on your property, no sharing.

        Respond to the complaint with: If neighbor removes the feces (I’d be worried they’d do damage or injure themselves so they can sue) or pays for a company to do so, you can mow within 48 hours.

    7. Dan*

      I’m taking your side as far as the dog goes. It’s a two-way street.

      But long term, it looks like you have a dispute that needs to be mediated in some fashion. I at least have a property manager to complain to (I rent, for better or worse). What your recourse is, I have no idea.

  60. Gaia*

    So I think I could use some advise on skincare.

    My skincare routine is pretty basic. I wash with a cleanser in the shower in the morning and to remove makeup at night. I moisturize after each wash and use both moisturizer and foundation with spf.

    I’m in my early 30s but I easily look 40. The issue is I have scaring from absolutely terrible acne as a kid. It is fairly surface level and not discoloration but it makes it look like deep wrinkles along both cheeks and my forehead. I have no actual wrinkles yet but this scaring has always aged me 5-10 years since I hit my 20s and it is really frustrating.

    Has anyone dealt with this and, if so, what did you find successful?

    1. Alli*

      Have you considered going to a med spa or dermatologist for a consultation? I’ve done IPL laser treatments with good results.
      Otherwise, using primer before applying foundation can work wonders for helping to hide lines.

      2. Gaia*

        Thanks for the info. I have actually seen several dermatologists each with conflict advise. Sigh!

        I love how my makeup looks when I wear primer. Sadly, my skin is finnicky and I can’t seem to find a primer that works well with it yet. The hunt continues!

        1. Alli*

          My current routine is Bobbi Brown BB Cream (contains SPF 30), followed by Kat Von D lock-it primer, Kat Von D foundation, and then NARS finishing powder. I know Kat Von D has kind of a bad rap right now on the whole vaccination thing, but I am really into her foundation because it comes in pale enough shades for my very fair complexion. :-)

    2. Anoncorporate*

      I recommend going to a dermatologist – they might prescribe you a retinol for the scarring. Until then, I recommend exfoliating 1-2x a week to get rid of dead skin sells and increase cell turnover, which will hopefully fade the scars over time.

    3. Booksalot*

      There are definitely products and treatments available for atrophic or hypertrophic acne scarring, PIE, and PIH. I’ll reply with a link that’s a good reference for beginners.

      I highly recommend the SkincareAddiction subr3ddit. I’m a lurker and I’ve gotten so much info from searching alone that I’ve never actually needed to post.

      For acne scarring, AHAs (especially glycolic acid) show good results, but it takes some time. I’ve also heard recs for rose hip oil, snail mucin, and Vitamic C serums. You will also need to up your sunscreen game, since most of the products used to treat the scarring will cause increased photosensitivity.

      2. Gaia*

        Thanks for the info. I will say for sunscreen, I use a low spf because I avoid most direct sun exposure with hats, sticking to the shady bits of the road, etc. That is mostly due to a big family history of skin cancer but also because I’m pale and burn haha. If I am going to be getting more sun exposure, I always use a much higher spf all over (and reapply often).

    4. AnonAcademic*

      I have surface acne scarring (box car scars) and have seen improvement from using glycolic acid and retinoid products (differin gel). However it’s been very gradual progress over 1.5 years or so and my scars are fairly superficial (similar to this: https://tinyurl.com/yyzbfw2a ). If your scars are deeper, I would recommend seeing a dermatologist as there are more intense treatments like peels, TCA cross, or scar revision that are more expensive but can have much more dramatic results. For my level of scarring the $50/year on drugstore treatments is worth it despite taking a lot longer to help but if your scarring has damaged the integrity of your skin enough to cause premature creasing, you might benefit from something that targets the deeper skin structure.

      1. Gaia*

        Thanks. That picture is actually pretty close to what mine looks like. It isn’t that it has actually caused creasing, it is that the scar gives the impression of creasing if you don’t look close.

        Are there any specific products you would recommend?

    5. Gaia*

      Thanks for all the recommendations to see a dermatologist. For a bit of background, I’ve seen 4 and got three entirely different treatment recommendations (each with an absolute assurance that this is the only treatment that will work for me. Not surprisingly it is also always the only treatment the offer in office) and one that told me there is nothing that can ever be done for acne scars. Sadly, we do not have a large number of dermatologists in my town.

    6. Traffic_Spiral*

      There’s a subreddit called SkincareAddiction that has all the info you need. There’s a lot of it, but read the FAQs, ID your particular problems, and start chipping away at it. I’ll include the link below (since it’ll get flagged).

    8. Gleeze*

      Go to Caroline Hiron’s blog / join the Caroline Hiron’s Skincare Freaks Facebook group. Her blog is a great resource and the Facebook group will gladly help you sort out a routine.
      One thing to change immediately is to wear a separate sunscreen, don’t rely on the one in your make-up. There is no way you are using the amount of foundation you would need to have enough SPF coverage. Its good you avoid the sun / wear hats but you still need to cover your face properly with SPF, especially if you start using actives.

  62. MsChanandlerBong*

    I don’t want to jinx myself, but my body seems to have stopped trying to kill me. Haven’t been in the hospital since Easter weekend (knock on all the wood)! I had my parathyroid hormone tested, and it was about three times higher than it should be. I started taking a medication to bring it down to normal, and I feel so much better than I have in about 10 months. I have more energy, I am not in pain, and I can actually go out and do some things. So, my husband and I decided to go to a local resort town (ski resort, so now is the slow season, and it is much cheaper to stay at a hotel) for the night. My coworker gave me a gift card to my favorite restaurant there, so we will get a delicious (free!) dinner and then enjoy the pool and hot tub at the hotel. I’m very excited to be able to do something fun and not have to take two weeks to recover afterward. Have a great weekend, everyone!

    1. Mimmy*

      I’ve wondered how you were doing – so glad to see things are finally looking up! Here’s to continued good health!

    3. KoiFeeder*

      Congratulations! I hope you’ve finally got it wrangled into good behavior for the rest of time!

  63. Ra94*

    Any recs on what I should bring to a Independence Day potluck barbecue next weekend? It’s for a huge group, all ages, fairly traditional American fare- there will be BBQ, I’m sure. I think I’ll make chocolate raspberry brownies for dessert, but am stuck for an appetizer/side. I’m used to making slightly foodie, unusual things for a small group, not classic stuff for a crowd, but I don’t want to be too predictable either. Maybe a potato salad with a twist? I love my melon-cucumber-feta-mint salad, but worry it may be a bit too funky.

    1. fposte*

      I suppose it depends on the crowd, but that salad doesn’t sound that funky to me; it’s more of the moment than, say, mayonnaise cole slaw, but it’s the kind of thing that would turn up on restaurant menus and a lot of people like a Mediterranean/Middle Eastern vibe. If it’s the feta you’re wondering about, you could keep that as a separate crumble for people to add.

      1. Clisby*

        Or as an alternative to slaw, make Jerusalem salad. It’s really easy, tastes better if you make it a few hours before it’s going to be eaten to let it soak up the dressing.

    2. Parenthetically*

      The melon salad sounds great! I do often default to a sort of goosed-up potato salad, with sweet potatoes too/pickled onions/lots of fresh herbs/bacon/cornichons/capers/all of the above, because it’s simple and familiar but extra delicious.

    3. Acornia*

      I would LOVE to see a salad like that at a BBQ. But then I dislike most mayonnaise based stuff to begin with and absolutely will not eat it if it’s been out in the sun. So a light, fresh thing on the table that isn’t watermelon would be a welcome sight!
      (I love watermelon, too, but you can only eat so much…)

    4. Venus*

      My only suggestion is to have an ingredient list (not every little thing, but at least the major bits) for something a bit ‘untraditional’ at a potluck. Yours sounds delicious! I am allergic to a few things, although I prefer to be adventurous, but it often means that I have to be careful about what I take. When I attend potlucks with lists (and info about nuts / gluten / dairy / etc) then I greatly appreciate it.

    5. Policy wonk*

      I generally bring fruit chunks on skewers. Pineapple, watermelon, strawberries, other melons as available. Colorful, healthy, you don’t need silverware.

    6. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Replied on a later thread – you can make potato salad with pesto instead of pasta. Then you can add fun stuff like peas or edamame or olives or fresh spinach or fresh or sun-dried tomatoes. Can also do the same thing with keeping the pasta.

      1. Clisby*

        Pasta as part of potato salad? I’ve never heard of that. Also, how would pesto sub for pasta?

        1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

          I think they maybe meant potato and pesto salad instead of the more common pasta and pesto?

    7. CatCat*

      Fresh fruit salsa always goes over well when we take it. Like a mango or peach salsa.

      1. NewReadingGlasses*

        That’s my go to, and I rarely bring any home, unless Ive made it too hot.

    8. HamlindigoBlue*

      My go-to for a potluck barbecue is Rachael Rae’s spinach artichoke pasta salad. I make it with chicken tortellini and use fresh tomatoes instead of the sun dried. It’s always a favorite, and it’s different from most cookout type pasta salads. In fact, I’m making this one today to take to a cookout this afternoon. The recipe can be found on foodnetwork.com.

      2. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        The only thing I’d mention about this is that if it has meat in it that isn’t visible meat (because it’s inside a tortellini or ravioli) it would probably be a good idea to label the dish. If the dish already has, like, visible bacon or something as well I wouldn’t worry about it as much (although I’m on Team Label Everything in general) but I try to particularly call out “surprise meat” in things meant for large groups so vegetarians know to skip them. Otherwise a lot of food gets wasted when vegetarians take something, cut into it, and only then realize they can’t eat it and go back for something else.

    9. Lilysparrow*

      The melon salad sounds good.
      The salad I bring to potlucks, including old-people-at-church potlucks, is arugula (or whatever greens I have handy) with dried cherries, chopped pears, slivered almonds or chopped walnuts, feta cheese and a vinaigrette made with pomegranate vinegar.

      There are never any leftovers, and I usually have to bring extra greens to re-toss it halfway through and eke it out. If it’s delicious, and the group is not homogenous enough to all have the same extremely restricted palate, it will get eaten.

    11. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      I tend to go for a vegan bean salad. Throw together several kinds of beans with balsamic vinegar and olive oil, basically (I’ll usually start with garbanzo beans and green beans, and then add more kinds of beans alternating “fresh” types like green or wax beans and “dried/cooked” types like garbanzos or navy beans until I have the desired quantity of bean salad). This is nice because it’ll keep well in the heat (since there are no dairy or egg issues), most people can eat it, it travels well, and it gives people who don’t eat meat something with protein in it. However, I’m usually also trying to solve the problem of “what will I, personally, be eating for protein at this potluck” so I have some ulterior motives there.

    12. Gir*

      I recently saw a recipe for a loaded baked potato salad that sounded like a good potluck recipe. Not sure where I saw it at though.

    13. Traffic_Spiral*

      I’d steer clear of potato salad – too much risk of offending the queen bee who feels her potato salad is supreme, or something.

      1. Make sure what you get doesn’t need to be kept chilled in order to taste good.
      2. Talk to a few others to make sure there’s not too much or too little of anything
      3. the melon salad sounds great. Nothing strong-tasting in it, but still a little different, and very summery-refreshing. Just make sure the cucumbers stay crunchy.

    14. Samwise*

      Why are you making more than the brownies? Every potluck I’ve ever been to (and I’ve been living in the south for over 25years, so, I know from potlucks!) you only need to take one dish.

  64. Christmas*

    Okay, here’s an awkward post break-up story, and request for advice:

    So, I got quite suddenly dumped about 6 weeks ago. Everything was going wonderfully, and then one night he invited me over, sat me down and said, “We need to talk.” It was like getting a bucket of ice-water dumped on my head. But that’s another story. Anyway…

    We have all the same favorite hobbies and hang-out spots, which is difficult. One of these hobbies is running, and thanks to Facebook, I can see if he’s attending a race or not, and avoid running into him. (Thankfully it worked out, since I’ve been doing a lot of local 5Ks, it seems he’s taken the 10Ks due to his more advanced ability). However, I had a bad situation at the last 5k…

    As I was running, my mind started drifting to him, since I’m still processing what was a shocking heartbreak. It was hard to redirect my thoughts because running was something he and I enjoyed together. Unfortunately, I started to get a little sad… then pretty upset. Then, about 30 feet from the friggin’ finish line, I started CRYING. This made me panic that I wasn’t going to make it, then I started HYPERVENTILATING. Panic level 100. Thank God a woman near me slowed down alongside me and talked me through it.

    I have another 5k coming up in a few days and am worried I’m going to lose it again. Any advice? I’m also thinking about cutting my hair short or getting bangs, which should tell you where I’m at emotionally after this break up. (Please talk me out of it, obviously.)

    1. Oldster*

      You’re supposed to wash that man right out of your hair not cut him out.
      South Pacific 1958

      1. valentine*

        Cut your hair. Try some bangs. Bonus if it has an impact on your running because what’s going to really uplift you is associating running with you/r goals, so it’s nothing to do with him anymore. Maybe you are enjoying the run and the scenery or thinking about what you’ll do post-run.

        If you’re in contact, tell him to stop liking every post. If not, block him everywhere. I can see where you want to prepare and avoid, but it maintains the association, whereas no news will allow you to get to out of sight, out of mind.

    2. Clever Name*

      I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds so so difficult. First, I’d block him on all social media platforms. Not because he’s an awful person (who knows, maybe he is?) but because it will help your mental health to not see what he’s up to all the time. Second, if possible, see a therapist. Captain awkward has a comprehensive list of how to find a therapist if you can’t afford one. Getting therapy was really helpful to help me process my last breakup. Hang in there. You will get through this.

      1. Christmas*

        Clever: You make a good point. I confess: Although I’ve “Unfollowed” him on Facebook so I can’t see anything he posts, we are still technically “Friends” so it shows if he’s going to a local event. Additionally, he still “likes” all my posts. (Ugh.) You are totally right about removing him from visibility for the sake of my mental health. I admit that it pangs my heart every time I see “____ is attending” next to an event, or see his stupid name pop up with a “Like.” Thanks for responding, and for being real and supportive!

    3. Zephy*

      That boy did you dirty and for that he deserves a lifetime of inconvenience. May he never remember where he left his keys. May he always have to lap the parking lot at least once to find a spot. May his phone battery drain a little faster each day.

      No advice on the running, but I’ve never seen someone not look cute as hell with a pixie cut. I have a round face with a double chin, my hair’s the only “thin” thing about me, and even I looked cute as hell with a pixie cut. Cut your hair, free yourself. Worst-case scenario, you stay cool all summer long and save money on hair products.

    4. Llellayena*

      Do you know anyone else you can run with for a bit? Practice or races? If you reassociate running with a different person, it might help.

      1. Christmas*

        Llellayena, that’s a great idea! I may be able to ask my sister. Also, I’m thinking about hitting up the local high school track now that school is out. There’s a track club that meets out there on weekend mornings, but so far I’ve been too shy to show up. However, that would be a great chance to “reassociate” like you said! I’m going to give it a shot.

      2. Not So NewReader*

        I was thinking draw a fake finish line some where and practice running up to it. It’s not a physical challenge, it’s a psychological challenge. Your body is fine, it can do the run. It’s the thoughts running in your head that are defeating. If you decide to practice with fake finish lines, practice your self-talk as you approach the fake finish line. It’s normal for thinking to tank, so your exercise is how quickly and strongly you pull up that tanking thinking. Practice positive self-talk while you train in prep for the real run.

        I do think though that because you pushed through the last time, you will be stronger the next time.

    5. Stormrunning*

      My guess is that cutting your hair or radically changing its appearance is a way for you to make a new big change in your life that you can focus on instead of this unhappy change. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, but if your less emotional side feels that a haircut would not be right for you in and of itself, it would probably be better to redirect the urge rather than squashing it. Is there some other way you can change your appearance? Color your hair, maybe, instead of cutting it, or add a few dramatic new pieces to your wardrobe?

      After I broke off my engagement a few years ago, I went through and changed all the handles I used on websites I frequented. That was my big change that gave me something fun to focus on instead of the emptiness of no longer being engaged.

      1. Christmas*

        Stormrunning: Thank you! It never occurred to me that something as seemingly-small as changing your online handles/logins could help create a positive mental shift. That’s such a good idea! Also, I’m sorry to hear about your engagement. Thank you for sharing your experience with me. I can’t imagine it. Me and me guy weren’t engaged, but I definitely thought that we were headed in that direction.

        Also, I appreciate your advice about coloring my hair instead of cutting it. This is the perfect season for me to try a change (I’m a teacher out for summer) and if I don’t like it, I can dye it back. Thank you again for your wonderful and helpful response!

      2. runner*

        I get this hyperventilating when I am running and start crying. So now when that happens, I slow down or walk even and take in slow deliberate breaths in through the nose, out through the mouth so that it will steady my breath. The first time especially was really scary but now it’s just something that happens, and since I know about it, I can see it coming sometimes earlier, so it doesn’t get as bad. Also, I think it’s totally normal to start crying when you’re running because I believe tension in our bodies and running forces your body to breathe deeper and that will release that tension, and crying is one of the ways we release tension. It’s not great if you’re trying to PR, but I think if your body wants to cry, that’s more important long term.

        I’m a big fan of haircut changes so I say go for it! but that could be me :)

    6. Llama Face!*

      Would it help if you purposely gave yourself time to “lose it” before your next race? I mean setting aside some private time to just let yourself cry or write about your feelings or let loose on all the emotions however feels right.

      Alternatively what about if you did start crying while running and just… let it happen. Caveat: I’m not a runner, so I don’t know how big an impact it may have on your performance, but I’m sure people have had more awkward things happen while running* so your fellow runners will likely just take it in stride (sorry, the pun suggested itself).
      *I’ve heard stories

      If you want to cut your hair (or make any other drastic life changes) it helps to try to make it a change TO something you are excited about and not a change FROM something that has memories/associations. You’ll regret the first version less even if it doesn’t work out like you hoped.

      1. Traffic_Spiral*

        This is what I’d do. If you need to let the feelings out, then just schedule some time to run and go do that. I mean, hey, it’s healthier than getting drunk and eating a whole quart of cookie dough ice cream.

    7. My Brain Is Exploding*

      I’m so sorry. It is hard to be in love with someone who doesn’t feel the same way! The race-crying sounds like a grief response; they tend to pop up unexpectedly. That will pass. Be PROUD of yourself for getting out there and doing a hard thing! It sounds like hair-cutting is your default response to sadness (I have a friend like that), but later you don’t like it? Can you do something else a little out of the box for you, like temp hair color or a streak, or an outfit out of your comfort zone out something? Sending mental hugs.

    8. Lilysparrow*

      I will never try to talk someone out of a new haircut after a breakup or any life transition. It’s cathartic, harmless, and fun. And hair grows back. Chop away! Extra bonus points for semipermanent funky color.

      Also, if you can’t cry when you’re running, when can you cry? Seems like an excellent time – you’re purging toxins. Sweat it out, dance it out, run it out, cry it out. If Kiran Gandhi can free-bleed her way through the London Marathon, then you cry all you need to.

      1. Anono-me*

        If you’re worried that you might regret a drastic haircut, start with the semi permanent or even just spray on fun hair color.

        (But I usually wound up going for the whole cut and color when I had a hardcore break up, and it did help me cope.)

        Also, I found it very cathartic to forcefully throw things into bins.
        If it is practical for you, you may want to find a volunteer situation that involves demo work or clearing out work.

        I hope you get through this quickly; But you will get through it.

    9. Not A Manager*

      What’s so terrible about crying? You were doing something that reminded you of your ex, it made you feel sad, so you cried. This is not shameful.

      Be kind to yourself. Remember that woman who stopped and talked you through the race? Be that woman. If you cry, you cry. Tell yourself, “I’m sad, so I’m crying.” If you stop, you stop. Tell yourself, “in a minute, I’ll feel better and then I’ll start again.” If you don’t start again and you don’t finish the race, there will be another race another day.

      This is legitimately hard. It’s okay for it to be hard. Someday it will be easier. Please be kind to yourself.

      1. Christmas*

        Thank you for the kind words! To answer you, it wasn’t that I felt bad about crying (although that was embarrassing) it’s because I started hyperventilating! I cried so hard while running that I began struggling to breathe! I was seriously afraid for a moment that I was going to faint or something, and it’d be a big scene with an ambulance. Thank God for that woman (I never got the chance to ask her name) for being so kind to a stranger like me.
        I’m going to use your idea to slow down and let myself cry until I feel better. Knowing that it may happen again at the next race, I will try to remember that I’m not gunning for the fastest pace; I only aim to finish it. I will try to be kinder to myself. Thank you again for the kind words!

    10. Dan*

      I donno if time heals all wounds, but it heals a lot of them.

      Some things do get easier with time, and breakups with people you weren’t married to and didn’t have kids with are one of them. So there’s that.

      In the short term, sometimes you just gotta roll with it.

    11. Grace Less*

      You might check to see if there are any Girls on the Run or Heart and Sole clubs in your school district. Helping to teach/encourage girls to run would give you a positive way to reframe the sport, and give you lots of new people to look forward to seeing at races.

    12. LGC*

      So, like, everyone gave good breakup advice…and pretty good running advice! (YES JOIN YOUR LOCAL CLUB.)

      A couple more things – with many races, you can wear headphones in most cases. (It’s usually discouraged, but not banned.) So if you want to listen to music for a little while, that’s an option to distract yourself.

      Bigger picture – I’m not sure if you got into running because of him or if it’s a thing you guys did together, but…assuming you’re in the northern hemisphere, it’s summer! You can give cycling or swimming a try (or all three and I just suggested you train for a breakup triathlon whoops).

    13. SarahKay*

      When I was still struggling after a major break up I used to recite the multiplication tables if I started getting upset, particularly on the walk into work (who wants to arrive at work all red-eyed, after all?). There’s something very soothing about the rhythm of it “One nine is nine, two nines are eighteen, three nines are…” etc, plus I’d choose one that I was less good at, so some thought is required, which distracts from other thoughts.
      Even now, long after the break up, I also use it as a way of getting to sleep if my thoughts are getting a bit hamster-wheel-ish.
      As a bonus, your mental arithmetic improves – I now know my 13 times table and am working on 14 and 15.
      Lots of sympathy to you – I’ve been there and it’s horrible, but it does get better.

  65. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

    Neon Genesis Evangelion is available on Netflix at last. Just be careful, it’s not meant for everybody. To those who watched it before, you already know.

    1. Fake Old Converse Shoes (not in the US)*

      Also, it’s definitely NOT PG-13. It should be rated R.

    2. princesswings*

      I blew all of my nineteenth-birthday money in the year 2000 renting it one VHS tape at a time from a terrifying (to me at nineteen) comic book shop I could walk to from my dorm, watching it while my roommate was at night class and mostly bawling my head off. I thought I should watch it again before trying the reboot (assuming the fourth volume is ever actually released) and have been squatting on my sister’s box set for a year because I can’t decide if it will have lost something at this age.

    3. Nessun*

      Yeah that’s a big hells-to-the-no for me. I’m glad those who want to can see it, but it’s a hard one to watch.

  66. Zephy*

    Let’s talk about nail polish.

    I love painting my nails. I started playing around with gel polish last year. I love how glossy the finish is, and that quick dry time is convenient as hell. It lasts a long time, too, which is kind of a double-edged sword. It’s been 9 days and it still looks great. My ring fingernail is a glittery champagne-gold color (Sally Hansen Pearls, Please), and the rest are a bright, subtly-glittery hot pink (Gelish Flamingo Float). Very early-2010s Kate Spade, very summery, very pretty…and I’m already bored with it, but taking off gel polish is pretty harsh on the nails, not to mention time- and labor-intensive. I think I might have to spend an evening someday soon doing it, though, because my nails are getting a bit too long to type comfortably and I need to file them back down a bit. They’re not crazy claws or anything, only about 1/8″-1/4″ past the fingertip, just long enough to start catching on the keyboard – I love the look and admire the people I see that go through life with inch-long-plus extensions, but I’m just too dang clumsy with my hands to maintain that.

    So, discussion questions: How do you feel about nail polish or nail art? Do you do your own nails, go to a salon? Do you decorate your natural nails or get extensions/press-ons from the drugstore?

    1. Rebecca*

      I love it! I just cut my nails, they were over 1/4″ past the ends of my fingertips, and I have an office job with lots of typing, so it was time. I do my own nails, and right now mine are a frosty white color, but I do accent nails, put stickers on them, etc., whatever strikes me at the moment. I don’t use gel polishes, just regular, and change it once a week or so.

      1. Zephy*

        Yeah, I also have a typing-intensive desk job.

        I’ve seen a lot of interesting techniques for getting different effects on my Instagram – do you ever do anything like stamping, sponge gradients, fun with nail vinyls or striping tape?

        1. Rebecca*

          I did sponge gradients, and I tried to use striping tape but I’m not the most dexterous person…sooo…not so great! I follow Hannah Rox Nails on Facebook. I like using a plastic sandwich baggie, putting down a big swath of white nail polish, then using a toothpick to make swirls with other colors. I paint my ring finger nails white, and then put down a clear coat, and apply a cutout of the dried nail polish from the baggie. It’s pretty neat – I use one of the colors from the other 8 fingers to coordinate!

    2. Acornia*

      Love it on other people, but when I’ve tried to do it myself, it feels like my hands are not my hands. And I start to feel panicky and have to take it off to have my own hands back. It’s weird, I know. So I just admire from afar. Your current nails sound lovely!

      1. Zephy*

        Thank you for the compliment :)

        That makes sense! My hands feel different when I have polish on vs. when my nails are naked. It doesn’t result in the same kind of dysphoria for me, but I think I can understand the feeling you describe.

      2. Booksalot*

        I also admire it, but can’t do it. I have obscenely short nail beds, and polish just draws attention to how stupid stubby they are. I’d have to grow them to “can’t function” length to have enough surface area for a nice manicure. Frustrating!

    3. cat socks*

      I love having polished nails, but I rarely paint my own nails. The edges always come out messy and regular polish chips so quickly. I get gel manicures at the salon a few times a year or for special occasions. However after having to gel manicures in a row, I had to take a break because my nails were breaking and peeling. I love how long gel manicures last but the removal process can be rough on my nails.

      I love the look of nail art., but I’ve never actually had it done. I follow a local nail salon on Instagram and they post some really creative looks. This place also offers something called gel extensions which are supposed to be better for your nails than acrylics. I would like to try them sometime, but they are kind of pricey.

      1. Zephy*

        In 2018 I tried to paint my nails every week, and I learned a few things.

        1. Practice makes perfect. Seems obvious, but the more often I did it, the less messy my manicures got.
        2. Polish on the skin around the nail can be picked off very easily in the shower the next day, and then your nails look ~perf~
        3. Wrap the tips! If you watch the nail art videos on Instagram you’ll see them swipe the brush along the free edge after applying a layer of color. It helps keep it from chipping as fast. :)

        I love seeing all the gorgeous nail art on Instagram. I really want to play with the chrome powder that was all over the place last year, but I can’t decide what to get.

        I’m pretty sure gel extensions (also called hard gel) are just as rough on the nails as acrylics or gel polish, but I’ve never had nail extensions, just gel polish, so I don’t have personal experience there. I’d imagine that if hard gel is less chemically damaging to the nails than acrylic, that’s probably offset by needing to cure the gel extension under UV. The removal process for both is pretty equally challenging, from what I understand – whether you go the soak-and-scrape route or just grind them off with a file.

        1. Rebecca*

          Yes to the shower tip!! I often do mine while watching a baseball game or something…then if there’s any “overflow” on to my fingers, it comes off easily in the shower!

        2. Squish*

          I got my first gel extensions a couple weeks ago and I LOVE THEM. Much more comfortable than acrylic, but both techniques are the same chemical (so one is not inherently better or worse than the other). Gel extensions aren’t porous, so they can’t be soaked off – they have to be cut down and removed with a nail drill.

    4. Lilysparrow*

      I really enjoy nail color but I am bad at maintenance and very active/clumsy with my hands, so it looks terrible in about 24 hours or less. I have a bit of nail envy for people who can keep it looking nice.

    5. Grace*

      I have incredibly weak nails, and a brief foray into acrylics and/or gel ended in disaster both times. It barely lasted for four or five days before splitting and chipping, meaning it got caught in my hair, meaning I tore multiple nails off down to the quick. More than three years ago, now, and I’m still growing out the damage done by removing the gel. 100% not my style. I’d honestly rather never paint my nails again than have to wear gels or acrylics, and that’s saying something.

      Natural nail with added paint, all the way. I do it at home and find it super relaxing. I do enjoy nail art, particularly using nail vinyls, but it stresses me out rather than relaxing me so I rarely do it. I’m currently wearing Essie’s Ladylike, which is a lovely sophisticated greige mauve, but I might take it off later this week and add something a bit more fun and sparkly.

      1. Zephy*

        Oh noooo, I’m sorry your nails had to go through all that! That’s why I’m wary of getting fakes and prefer to paint my own natural nails, too. I just looked up swatches of Ladylike – very pretty!

        I want to try stamping but it seems like there’s a pretty steep learning curve. Seeing all the Instagram videos of people that are good at it making it look effortless doesn’t help. I have a stamping kit but it’s got very basic designs, for one, and just doing some test swatches on those plastic swatch sticks was pretty challenging.

    6. Koala dreams*

      I paint my nails now and then. I just cut them as normal when I have painted nails. Sometimes I remember to cut first and then paint. I don’t do nail art, just nice colours. I buy cheap ones so I can afford several colours, but the last year I haven’t bought any. In summer I like to paint my toe nails. Sometimes I paint alternating colours, to make it more fun.

    7. Ra94*

      I’m really novice at painting nails, but I bought some gel polishes off of Aliexpress and have been having fun learning. If you like to switch it up often, have you considered a peel-off base coat? The $1 one I got works great, and the polish doesn’t tend to pop off on its own until 8-9 days in, but comes off clean whenever you fancy a change.

    8. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      I’m so nearsighted and not coordinated, and add to that the weak nails, and no time- and I only try it once in a while. I did try gel /professional job for a birthday treat. That was great until the take off.

      I have recently tried the dry polish strips. Great for my toenails. And easy to do. I’m just not as fast as they ‘claim’ folks can be.

      I just trim and buff my fingernails short. They are just not strong enough to do more with.

    9. CA Teacher*

      I have long ridiculous fake nails AMA.
      No seriously, I love them, I type a lot and it’s totally fine. You just get used to doing things a little bit differently. I’ve had them for over 2 years consistently, and my natural nails underneath are actually really healthy. (I do a gel builder, it’s like acrylic but better for your nails)

    10. Traffic_Spiral*

      I do them myself. I don’t use gels – they destroy my nails.

      I have a very light, shimmery pink polish I use – the shimmer breaks up the outline a bit, so you can’t see if they’re a bit chipped or scuffed. I use Sinful Colors because years ago when Consumer Reports did a study, it came out as the best non-gel polish (and it’s $2 at walmart).

      As more more complicated nail art – it’s fine for others, but I can’t be bothered.

    11. NewReadingGlasses*

      I actually don’t like the feel of polish on my nails. Somehow it feels like they can’t breath right or something. Other people have looked at me like I’m really weird when I’ve said that, so yes I’m an alien that breathes through my fingers.

      1. Lilysparrow*

        I know the feeling you’re talking about. It doesn’t bother me to the same degree, but it is wierd not feeling the air.

    12. Nana*

      Love polish. Do it myself…but spring for a mani-pedi every few months. HATE gels…very hard on the nails, toxic remover, etc. Did it once (before traveling, so I didn’t have to worry about chipping)) — never again.

    13. Ron McDon*

      I love the look of gel nails, but they do make my nails flake and break over time.

      Here in the UK Rimmel make a Super Gel polish – it’s a gel-effect nail polish. It paints on like normal nail polish, you seal it with a special top coat (no UV) and it looks and lasts like gel polish; really shiny and long lasting.

      I find I can paint my left hand really easily (I’m right handed) but when I paint my right hand I always muck it up. I’m 45, so years and years of practice have obviously had zero effect :)

      I am also quite clumsy and not particularly artistic, so although I would love to be able to paint my nails and do nail art, there’s just no way!

  67. Llama Face!*

    Anyone have a simple gluten free cookie recipe they’d like to recommend? I have to bring a dessert to a picnic tomorrow and thought I’d bake cookies. We have some folks who are gluten intolerant so trying to make it inclusive (I am not GF, and don’t know what’s good out there).
    Or is it too hard to make GF cookies?

    1. Llellayena*

      My mom makes gluten free shortbread using rice flour. Not sure if the proportions are different though. The original recipe is 2oz sugar, 4oz butter and 6oz flour, up to a quarter teaspoon flavorings as desired. 325deg oven, anywhere from 12-24 min depending on cookie thickness.

    2. Parenthetically*

      This seems like a job for no-bakes! Use literally any recipe and just make sure you have gluten free labeled oats (obviously all oats are naturally GF, but the labeling is regarding cross-contamination during processing).

    3. Venus*

      I make rice krispie squares with gf rice krispies. They aren’t cookies, but a good dessert and easy and popular!

    4. Kuododi*

      I made GF chocolate chunk cookies once when the niece and nephew were in town. I don’t pretend to be experienced in this area of baking. I’d suggest typing “easy gluten free dessert recipes” into Google and see what works best for you.

    5. cat socks*

      Check out the King Arthur site. I believe they have resources and tips for gluten free baking. Also the blog Iowa Girl Eats is dedicated to gluten free cooking. I have seen dessert recipes on the site.

    6. TheFacelessOldWomanWhoSecretlyLivesinYour House*

      There’s a sunflower cookie recipe I love. It’s
      1/4 cup pure maple syrup
      1/4 cup tahini
      3/4 cup quick cooking rolled oats (not instat)
      1/4 cup raw sunflower seeds

      Preheat oven to 350. Mix ingredients, drop dough by rounded spoonfuls onto greased cookie sheet or parchment paper covered cookie sheet. Flatten slightly with spoon. bake 15-18 minutes until lightly browned. Makes around a dozen cookies. Awesome little cookies. Store in airtight container.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        The baking soda is optional too. (The recipe I was going to post is 1 cup PB, 1 cup sugar, 1 egg.)

    8. Lcsa99*

      We found a recipe for a really good flourless double chocolate cookie, which is great cause you don’t need any special ingredients:

      1/2 cup unsalted butter (room temperature)
      1/2 cup brown sugar
      1/3 cup white sugar
      1 egg (room temperature)
      1 tsp vanilla extract
      1/2 tsp baking soda
      1/2 tsp salt
      1 cup cocoa powder
      1 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips

      Preheat oven to 350f
      Thoroughly mix butter and sugars until completely combined. Add the egg and vanilla, stirring until combined.
      Add in the baking soda, salt and cocoa powder and mix until smooth. Stir in the chocolate chunks.
      Scoop dough in balls onto a cookie sheet (if you want thicker cookies, freeze for 15 minutes before baking).
      Bake for 10 minutes or until set around the edges but still gooey in the center. Let cool on the baking sheet for 15 minutes before transferring to wire rack to cool completely.

    9. Llama Face!*

      Thank you everyone! Parenthically’s no-bake cookie recommendation reminded me of the Ragged Robins my mom used to make when we were kids so I think I’ll go with those. But I’m saving all these ideas for future reference. :)

    10. Marmaduke*

      If peanut allergies aren’t an issue, flourless monster cookies (with GF oats) and/or flourless peanut butter cookies are a quick and easy favorite at this GF house.

    11. Alcott*

      Bob’s Red Mill 1:1 baking mix. Use it instead of flour in your favorite recipe for simple gluten free cookies. No other adjustments needed.

    12. Yum*

      Almond flour can often be used as a substitute. Or something like scotcheroos (are these known all over or just in the Midwest)? They are a peanut butter rice krispie treat with a layer of chocolate on top. Malt O Meal krispy cereal is gluten free so get something like that and not brand name Rice Krispies. Also, think about if your sugar canister is contaminated. Do you first measure flour (for something you are baking with gluten) and then plunge the measuring cup into your sugar canister? Well, you’ve just added bits of flour to your sugar supply.

    13. Ree*

      I just sub GF flour for regular flour in any recipe. Also, don’t be stingy on sugar, doesn’t need to be a significant amount extra, but definitely don’t lower any sugar.
      I bake everything GF and most people don’t know/notice when they eat it. I often also make baked goods DF(dairy free) and again, rarely noticed.

    14. Jack Russell Terrier*

      I bought King Arthur gluten free flour from the local supermarket and used the chocolate chip cookie recipe on the back. The process just the same as making it with regular flour. They were really good. I’m not GF but my husband has celiac.

  68. Stormrunning*

    I’m trying to figure out how (or even if) to explicitly come out to my folks as nonbinary before I go for a family visit in a month or so.

    I’m AFAB and have identified as a butch lesbian for most of my adult life (~15 years), so everyone’s used to seeing me in generally unfeminine clothing, but I’ve been pushing in a much more explicitly masculine direction lately — to the point where I’m wearing a binder about 30-40% of the time, have a “man’s” haircut, etc. My parents are generally supportive and accepting, but not well educated on gender identity issues, so this discussion is going to be a hell of a lot of educating if I decide to do it. My sister and brother-in-law are extremely conservative and have made transphobic comments in the past, including the “child molesters in bathrooms” garbage.

    Pros of saying something: get my parents firmly on my side if my sister or her husband react badly to the changes I’ve made in my appearance. Increased honesty with my family. Maybe Mom will stop trying to get me to carry a purse.

    Cons of saying something/benefits of staying silent: that’s a hell of a lot of emotional labor to educate my parents, and may not be successful. Even with the binder and haircut, I’m visibly AFAB, and I could simply decide not to bind while I’m on vacation, let them keep thinking of me as female.

    Some friends of mine suggested writing a letter, and I’ve made some attempts to get words down on paper, but in all truth, the whole thing is pretty scary for me. Reassessing my own identity this much at this stage of my life feels weird enough without making myself this vulnerable to people whom I love dearly but who I know are going to need a lot of handholding on this issue.

    1. Thankful for AAM*

      It sounds like your parents have some idea that something different than their experience or expectations is going on. Could you ask them if they want to know more when you visit?

      That might give you more input to help you decide what you want.

      Sending open and welcoming parenting vibes to you and your family. And sorry this is hard for you.

    2. Washi*

      For the “even if” part, one thing I do to help myself clarify these questions is imagine myself after having done whatever the more passive/status quo choice is (usually it’s not doing the Thing.) When I imagine myself afterward, am I kicking myself for not having done it? Or am I relieved?

    3. Alex*

      As someone with a hard-to-guess-from-looking-but-you-know-something-is-up sexual orientation, I’m a big fan of just being unapologetically yourself without explanation (unless you are asking to be called a different name or by different pronouns, in which case you do kind of need to do some minimal amount of bringing it up).

      Like, just go how you are. IMO, it’s fine if they don’t quite get it, as long as they are not giant assholes. It’s not your job to explain yourself. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with letting some things going unsaid if it is less hassle for you, but I also don’t think there’s anything wrong with binding in front of someone who doesn’t have the whole story. I mean, what are they going to say, “HEY STORMRUNNING, WHERE THE F ARE YOUR BOOBS? ALSO PLEASE PASS THE POTATO SALAD!” I mean maybe they will say that but if they do for sure they’re the ones making that conversation weird…

      Of course, that doesn’t mean you CAN’T or that it is wrong to explain who you are and why you are dressing and presenting the way you are, it’s just I think sometimes it is just easier to put yourself out in the world how you want to be and let the chips fall where they may, even if some chips land on “Huh, Stormrunning sure looks different from last family reunion, I wonder what is the deal?” in someone’s head that never gets sorted out–especially if you haven’t quite done enough sorting yourself for it to feel right sorting it for someone else. You don’t owe them a lesson on gender identity unless you are 100% into giving that lesson.

    4. Zephy*

      I don’t have experience with coming out as nonbinary, so on that front I’m just sending you good vibes and hopes for a pleasant visit. I trust you’re already planning to have your own lodging and transportation so you can bail if Sis and BIL start up with their bullshit again, but in case you weren’t…uh, do that.

      It sounds like your general sense is that your parents would be safe people to come out to. They don’t need a master’s-level understanding of gender identity issues to understand the concept that Sis and BIL’s comments make you feel unsafe and disrespected. They don’t need to understand why you are hurt, only that you are hurt. The important bit is that Sis and BIL have historically expressed some pretty offensive opinions about a group of people to which you belong, and you need to know that you will have their support in either shutting that mess down or exiting the conversation, should it occur on this visit.

    5. KoiFeeder*

      You know, if you want to stop carrying a purse, you can just say that the chiropractor told you to. Mine has nothing good to say about purses- I’m going to surprise him next appointment with my new dinosaur backpack for carrying all my stuff. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind you using his endless hatred for purses as an excuse not to use one.

    6. transguy*

      I don’t know your parents and family but I’ve found that denial tends to be really strong when people are trying to avoid what they don’t want to deal with, namely, I think if you’ve been presenting butch but now are binding and presenting more masculine, no one might notice or comment. I was very well endowed and no one – not even my bra obsessed mother! – ever commented when I started to bind. So I don’t think your physical changes (at least as I’m imagining them) are a reason you need to come out right now.

      Something you didn’t share is how long is this visit? how often do you see each other? etc. if you’re going for a long weekend, it’s really different than if you’re going for a month. If it’s month, there’s perhaps more time to talk/educate/etc. A weekend, it might be a lot. Are you staying with them or in a hotel/somewhere else? if you are with them and it goes not great, then will you be stuck? A part of me feels that if you’re having a hard time with the letter, you may not be ready to share with them, but I think a letter is great even if you’re not mailing it to them as a way to get your thoughts clear (but I do write as a way to get clarity for myself, not everyone uses writing in this way).

      My mother also always wanted me to carry a purse so I totally relate to that.

    7. ArtK*

      It may help to think of it this way: Being open now is a lot of emotional labor; not being open is also a lot of emotional labor, spread out over time. Every time you see your sister and BIL you’l have the anticipatory anxiety along with wondering how supportive your parents really are. Personally, I wouldn’t want to have to manage both sets at the same time, over and over again.

      TL;DR: Hurt once, or death by a thousand cuts?

  69. Anoncorporate*

    Ugh I definitely experienced symptoms of exhaustion this week and woke up at noon today. I’m trying to be better at taking care of myself during the week so I don’t crash on weekends, but it hasn’t been really working.

    Also, this is random, but does anyone have tips on making mayonaise-less potato salad? I’m trying to recreate an amazing one from my favorite local restaurant, but I can’t figure out what they use for the dressing.

    1. Llama Face!*

      If you are going away from the creamy dressing entirely I once had one that involved olive oil, old fashioned mustard (like the kind with the whole seeds in it- might have been a dijon), and I think some kind of fancy vinegar was involved like sherry or white wine vinegar? Sorry- I don’t have the actual recipe to hand since I only made it once a long time ago.

    2. Middle School Teacher*

      Could it be a German potato salad? They usually have more of a vinaigrette than a mayo-based dressing. Budget bytes (dot) com has a great recipe.

    3. Acornia*

      My mom used to make one she called “German potato salad” so maybe google that term?

    4. Cheesesteak in Paradise*

      Vinaigrette for sure.

      I’ve also made a killer potato salad with pesto- just replace pasta with the potatoes, good hot warm or cold.

    5. Sometime cook*

      Here’s one I find tasty:
      Potato Salad
      Yield: 6 servings

      Measure Ingredient
      14 small New red potatoes, scrubbed
      3 tablespoon Fresh parsley, chopped
      2 tablespoon Fresh dill
      6 tablespoon Chopped green onions
      ⅓ cup Red wine vinegar
      3⁄4 cup Olive oil
      2 teaspoon Grainy Dijon mustard
      4 tablespoon Red onion, finely chopped
      1 Clove garlic, crushed
      Black pepper, liberally ground

      DRESSING Boil potatoes in salted water until just tender (about 20 minutes). Drain, cut in halves or 1/4 inch slices and let cool 5 minutes. Combine red and green onions, pepper, dill and parsley with potatoes. Whisk vinaigrette ingredients together and toss with potatoes while still warm. Serve hot or cold.

    6. Ethyl*

      I’m allergic to eggs so I usually replace mayo with Greek yogurt and season it up with vinegar, capers, etc etc.

    7. Lilysparrow*

      Here is the recipe my good friend from Germany sent me for her delicious version.

      Potatosalad:
      -sliced cooked potatoes
      -onions
      -pepper, salt
      -olive oil
      -white vinegar
      -1 TBspoon mustard
      -1 TBspoon sugar
      -2 cucumbers thin sliced
      let stand over night and add maybe spices before eating.

      The “add maybe spices” means check the seasonings after it marinates and see if it needs more salt & pepper. You could also add dill, savory, fines herbes, chives, parsley, or whatever you like after you taste it. But as I recall she rarely added anything but salt & pepper to hers.

    8. deesse877*

      I think the big thing is adding a piquant dressing while the potatoes are still quite warm, as per one sample recipe above–it absorbs better.

  70. Acornia*

    Every Saturday when it’s warm enough, a woman rides her bike around my neighborhood for 45 minutes or so singing at the top of her lungs and it’s so joyful. She’s maybe late 40s – and most of the songs she sings are 80s pop so that fits. Is it weird that I enjoy her so much?
    (Today so far it’s “Believe it or not, I’m Walking on air” from Greatest American Hero, which I haven’t heard in ages, and Eye of the Tiger the next time she looped around.)

    1. university minion*

      There’s shirtless boom-box rollerblade guy here, always rocking out on nice days. Makes me smile every time.

      1. Middle School Teacher*

        We have a shirtless rollerblade guitar guy! He plays and blades and he’s just a joy to watch.

    2. CatCat*

      This sounds amazing. There used to be a woman who I’d see/hear walking around downtown joyfully singing her heart out. Totally not self-conscious about it. She also had an incredible voice. Always made me smile.

      1. Amethyst*

        I do exactly this where I live. Are we neighbors?

        My coworker’s husband “knew” me quite a few years back because I sang while waiting for the bus to work, which happened to stop across the street from where he worked at the time. He didn’t know I worked with his wife until she pulled up a video I’d posted to listen to me. She said the conversation they had was a series of *head explodes*, LOL. :)

        1. CatCat*

          Well, if you live in Sacramento, California, thanks for being the singing lady walking around downtown! You brought happiness to me and my colleagues when we’d be out.

          I used to work downtown, but not anymore, alas!

          1. Amethyst*

            Darn. Not me. I live in a medium-smallish town in CT.

            But that’s so neat! I love that!

    3. kc89*

      when I was a kid there was a lady on rollderblades that you would see around town and she was always dancing and swinging her arms and legs around, she was so fun to watch

    4. chi chan*

      That is so neat. I would like to see something like that. Reminds me of school trips when everyone would sing on the bus.

    5. IntoTheSarchasm*

      A few years ago, we lived in Lansing, MI and were on Michigan Avenue which leads straight to the State Capital building. Got behind a woman on a Harley, wearing a black helmet with long beautiful braids cascading out of it, singing Gospel at the top of her voice while tooling down the street. She was pretty awesome and we went out of our way to follow her and listen for a while longer. She made our day!

  71. Athabasca*

    Similar to the PoGo chain, any AAM Harry Potter Wizards Unite users want to share friend codes? Mine’s 1878 6165 5651, hopefully Niantic starts letting us send gifts to each other soon!

    3. Katoya*

      I can’t believe this is what finally gets me to comment after being a reader for years but here we are :) I got the beta version when it was released and am loving it so far!! Here’s mine too:
      9158 4757 1620

  72. cat socks*

    I had posted last week about one of my cats who was over grooming and scratching his fur to the point where it was getting very thin. Thanks to everyone who shared their experiences with the same issue!

    Kitty had a vet appointment yesterday and the diagnosis is that he is dealing with allergies. He had some ulcers on his upper lip and bloodwork showed high levels of eosinophils, which can be elevated in cats with allergies. Since he was a stray he is getting a broad spectrum dewormer in case he still has any residual parasites. I’ve also started giving him half a tablet for Zyrtec.

    We are going to see how he does with these treatments before trying a hypoallergenic diet. He is already on grain free foods and I’m going to try adding some omega-3 to his diet. The vet said she has a cat who deals with seasonal allergies so hopefully the issue will abate in the colder months.

    Otherwise he is a very healthy guy with a good weight an muscle mass, especially compared to his bigger boned brothers. :-)

      1. cat socks*

        Thanks! I’m glad to have a plan in place and I’m cautiously optimistic that the Zyrtec is helping with some of the issues.

  73. HareBrained*

    How do you get over a crush with really intense feelings? I hung out with (6 weeks), but never slept with, a guy that is going thru some life changes now, so we called it quits til he gets settled, or maybe never, depending. He would send me pics from a festival or his life…. We would chat til 2am. He is in the middle of a separation tho not married and he is moving out. So we are not hanging out or moving forward but damn this is hard. I hang out with friends, I work a lot, I hike and do my own thing but again damn. So difficult.

    2. Parenthetically*

      I had almost exactly this scenario except mine was in the process of a divorce. It was SO HARD. We never did get back together, which is actually a blessing because shoot, I like the guy but he would have worn me out. He’s the human embodiment of a yellow lab puppy crossed with Tigger and just 100% can. not. ever. chill. He’s now happily married to someone with a much higher tolerance for bounciness, I’m now happily married to a super-chill guy, everything’s copacetic.

      Meanwhile, my thoughts from this experience: Lean into the hardness. It’s just going to suck for awhile, so give yourself permission to really feel it. Block out a Saturday night to wallow and eat popcorn and ice cream and drink too much wine and listen to sad music or watch tear-jerkers, with or without friends as desired. I firmly believe that the only way OUT is THROUGH, and the sooner you start the sooner you’re on the other side of it. Don’t try to talk yourself out of feeling bad because it was a short season. Your emotions are what they are, and will be what they will be.

      Things will either work out or they won’t, and either way you’ll be fine. A year from now, how do you want to have spent this year?

      Never underestimate the power of distraction.

      Good luck.

      1. HareBrained*

        Thank you for your perspective. “A year from now, how do you want to have spent this year?” >>> In a year I do want to be living in another place (actually closer to 10 months from now). So, this is a good point. I was thinking short-term fun times, as damn he is really hot. So, I will focus on saving money, and working toward my move. And trying to lean into it and get through it as you say. Thanks again.

    3. Anon Librarian*

      I found it helpful to appreciate just having loving feelings for another person as an experience on its own, separate from any events or actions. The feelings are a beautiful thing. It’s good to care about people. I don’t think attempts to make those feelings go away are healthy. I think it’s healthier to instead, appreciate the feelings in the context of the situation, if that makes sense? For example, you’re thinking about him so you want to pick up the phone and call him. But then you remind yourself, “We parted ways for good reasons. The caring thing to do is not to call, but to put those feelings into something else instead.” And then get an outlet if you need to. Like writing or art or something. Feel the feelings and get them out. And also trust that things can change and life is full of surprises, that maybe later on, you’ll meet again and things will be different, or you’ll meet someone you feel more strongly about. It’ll be ok.

      2. HareBrained*

        Agree with fposte, this is a really nice thought and a good view on the caring and loving thing to do. And I am glad you say that it will be ok, because it will. Just have to get through it. Feel the feelings.

    4. ATX Language Learner*

      This happened to me about 7 years ago. I worked with a guy who was separated and going through a divorce. We hung out quite often for about a year and when his divorce was finalized, I was sure we would be together. Then he started acting distant and finally told me he had met someone else and I was heartbroken. I had planned on moving cities a couple of months later and this only fueled my desire. I moved and he continued to contact me every now and then which pissed me off. It probably took me a good 2 months to 100% move on, after I realized he was kind of manipulating and still contacting me after dating this new woman.

      Time helps. Meeting someone else helps. I was really into online dating (not Tinder or the other common apps now, I liked OKCupid because you can filter and there is more opportunity to add more information about yourself). Flirting and going out with new people made it easy to move on. 4 months after I moved I met the most wonderful man and we’ve been together 5.5 years and are about to get married!

      Although right now it feels too hard to think about moving on, but you will with time.

  74. PhyllisB*

    I promised y’all an update on Son’s girlfriend coming for dinner last Sat. As you remember, Hubby invited her so we could have a Talk. Well, that didn’t happen. She came to dinner, but he didn’t bring up Topic. I knew I could, but since this was his idea, I felt like he should get the ball rolling.
    I’m going to have to do what I planned to do to begin with. Invite her to lunch and talk to her. I don’t get him. He’ll bluster and cuss to me about how he’s going to do this or that, and how things are my fault because I’m not firm enough(!!!) but when he’s presented with the opportunity to do something/address the issue, he…just doesn’t.
    I know after some of the things I’ve shared with y’all you think I’m just a submissive little wife who lets him rule with an iron fist. That’s not exactly right. True, I don’t confront him on every issue in our lives, but I do know which hills I’m willing to die on, and this is one of them. (Not Girlfriend specifically, but issues with Son.) I’m the one who’s pushed for rehab and was willing to leave over it. Luckily it never came to that. I don’t believe in making idle threats, but I was willing to walk in this case. Things are okay right now, but he’s still not working, and that was one the conditions for him being allowed to come back home. Hubby brought it up, but when I mention saying something firm to Son he says no because “he is helping around the house.” Hmmm…
    Also wanted to let y’all know I went to my first Al-Aon meeting on Thurs. It was….okay. There were only six of us there, and three of them were related to each other. Now I realize you can’t judge by one meeting so I’m going to keep going. For a little while anyway. One humorous thing: I asked my son if I saw anyone I knew should I speak to them or not? I know some people are uncomfortable with being around people that know them in a situation like this. He told me that was fine, just remember the anonymity part. Well, as soon as I got out of the car, I ran into someone I’ve known for 60 years!! He said, “You just never know WHO you’ll see here, do you?” I laughed and felt more at ease. Of course I knew that’s why he said that, but I did appreciate it.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Hubby: People who complain the hardest are sometimes the people who do the least. I am not surprised you are at the Al-Anon meeting and he isn’t.

      2. PhyllisB*

        Not So New Reader: He didn’t go with me to meeting because I didn’t tell him I was going. I wanted to see for myself what it was like. After last weekend I realized I need some tools for dealing with this. When I got home he asked me where I had been, and I told him. He expressed interest in attending, but I really think he should be attending AA instead. They have an AA meeting at the same time in another room. That’s where my friend was heading. (I don’t know how he knew I was there for Al-Anon, but…)
        One reason I did’t ask him to go with me is I won’t feel as comfortable sharing my thoughts with him there. He always tells me I talk too much without saying anything (which may or may not be true, it’s hard to evaluate yourself.) There is no other Al-Anon meeting available where I live, so if he insists on coming I don’t have much choice. He has mentioned wanting to attend AA with son, but I have a sneaky suspicion Son feels the same way I do. However, I’m going to ask Son if he would mind taking his dad with him next time he attends a meeting at this location. For one thing, in the Al-Anon meeting there was only one man; he and his wife were the facilitators. Of course all meetings may not be that way. AA had more men, so I feel like he would be more comfortable there anyway.

    2. Washi*

      I’ve been following your updates, and I’m a little confused when you say that issues with Son are a hill you’re willing to die on. Did you mean just him going to rehab? Because it seems like since then, you’ve been mostly acceding to your husband’s way of doing things.

      Honestly, a lot of what you complain about with your husband seem to be true as well. He caves on boundaries first, but then you cave as well. He complains without doing anything, but when the GF came over, you didn’t say anything to her either. And I don’t think it’s fair to tell her that she needs to have more boundaries with your son or enable him less (I think that was the issue?) when you and your husband have also failed to enforce boundaries.

      I don’t remember if you’ve said in the updates whether you and your husband are able to do any counseling? This is a really difficult situation and it seems like it would help if you were both on the same page.

      1. Washi*

        Sorry, that should read “a lot of what you complain about with your husband seems to be true of you as well.”

    3. WellRed*

      If this is the hill to die on then why didn’t you say something, both at dinner and also to your son about finding work?kudos for getting to the meeting. I hope the group helps because you certainly aren’t getting it elsewhere.

      1. PhyllisB*

        You and Washi are exactly right in what you say. I should have started the ball rolling. I don’t really know why I didn’t. And you are right about not enforcing boundaries.
        You must remember, women my age were raised to believe their husband is the head of the household, and not necessarily everything he says goes, but when you are my age and are a dedicated Christian you respect your husband’s headship and try to be respectful of that. HOWEVER, I realize I’m going to have to do things a different way. That’s why I finally decided to give Al-Anon a try.
        Also, my daughter, who is a recovering meth addict and works with addicts (and should know better) keeps begging me not to put him out, she’s afraid he will die if we do. (He’s sober now, but she’s afraid if we put him out he will revert) I reminded her she didn’t, and I knew she would not counsel people she deals with to let them say in the home if they did not meet conditions. She said she knows, but she cried and begged me not to.

    4. Dan*

      As far as al-anon goes… my ex-MIL was a hardcore alcoholic. I mean hardcore. My ex-wife and I went to a couple of different al-anon groups for awhile, and TBH, it just wasn’t for me. The groups we went had no “cross talk.” Fine. I get that some people want to talk in peace and just say what’s on their mine. Me? I need to feel like I’m having a conversation with people, not just talking into a mirror. So I didn’t get the social interaction I was looking for. That and a lot of people I met were just simply weird. One person went to a different al-anon meeting *every night* and another kept coming even though his person dropped out of his life years prior.

      Point being, I found these groups to be weird as f*ck and they weren’t for me. So if they don’t work for you, I totally get it and wouldn’t push you to keep trying.

      1. Nana*

        Please don’t give up too quickly. If there are different groups around, try them…and give each two or three ‘chances.’ Weekly dynamics can be different. Found one group that ‘clicked’ for me…but I never left any meeting without at least one thing to incorporate/think about/mull over.

        1. Jack Russell Terrier*

          Yes – in the end it might not be for you, but explore other groups/meetings and see if their vibe suits you. My husband is 15 years sober and because a lot of AA meetings can be ‘insider’ he makes a point of reaching out to new faces etc. Obviously this is different from Al Alon but different groups/meetings have different vibes. I know a lot people find that connecting with others who are going through the same satiation / emotions etc in Al Anon is beneficial. No reason not to give it more of a whirl eh?

        2. PhyllisB*

          Nana, there is no other group available in my area. I thought there were, but they are no longer active. I’m not giving up; the friend I ran into suggested I give it at least 8 weeks before deciding. Also, I realize weekly dynamics are different.
          They mentioned someone who had attended the week before but was not there for this meeting. Not details, just in general sharing about the different situations we all have. I wish we had NA-Anon in this area. I don’t know if this is the case everywhere, but the AA groups here tend to look down on drug addictions and do not want to discuss them much. Son already had mentioned that, but he says this particular AA group is not as bad. He likes going to NA meetings much better. But as I said, there is no NA-Anon in this area. And you are right about finding something to think over. I did at this meeting.

        3. MysteryFan*

          I agree Nana. Each group can have a very different dynamic, and it is really helpful to try out as many as you have the ability to get to (and give each one at least 2-3 chances!). Also, there are different meeting structures, some have a “topic of the day” from one of the AlAnon books like Courage to Change, then open discussion. I like those best myself. It gives my thoughts some structure! Some focus on one or another of the Steps or Traditions as the discussion topic, some even have speakers occasionally. And I definitely second the sentiment that every meeting, someone says at least One Thing that resonates with me. Sometimes it’s only that one thing tho.. the process is a slow one. AlAnon is not intensive like a rehab or some such.

  75. Miss Astoria Platenclear*

    Spoiler Alert
    My reply will discuss the current movie “Late Night “ starring Mindy Kaling and Emma Thompson.

    1. Miss Astoria Platenclear*

      I really enjoyed “Late Night,” about a young woman (Mindy Kaling) as the only female staff writer on a Late-night show hosted by Emma Thompson. Thompson’s character is the first and only woman to host a long-running Late night talk show.
      The movie is explicit about neither female character having friends. Molly (Kaling) does not have a quirky BFF or an empathetic gay male buddy . It was bracing to see a movie be so honest about the fact that some women “go it alone “ in some stages of their lives.

          1. Miss Astoria Platenclear*

            Sorry. I have have Collapse All as my default, so I thought it would work.

            1. Middle School Teacher*

              It worked just fine, don’t worry. I don’t have it as collapse all and I was able to skip your spoiler (and again to reply to year here).

  76. Claire*

    Writing Thread!

    I now have a hard deadline of July 31st for my #Pirates2 novel. No more faffing about! The middle section continues to fight me, but I’m trying several different tactics. One, write a two page summary of what I think the through-lines are for this book. Two, write a timeline of events. The dual approach seems to be working.

    How about the rest of you? Any challenges? Any progress?

    1. A.N. O'Nyme*

      I’m just going to be joining here as I myself am extremely late today.
      I am very glad I’m used to writing my first drafts by hand because I don’t want to use my laptop during the day in this weather XD. I actually made some progress with my mutant story for the first time in a while.
      Monstrum oh Monstrum, you are such a glorious bastard…

      1. Claire*

        I hear you about the weather. I have a fan pointed directly at me in my home office so I don’t melt. :)

        And hooray for progress!

    2. Booksalot*

      I’ve boxed myself into a very difficult poem. It requires using words that have multiple meanings and the theme relies on the lack of clarity about which meaning is intended. Apparently my brain decided freeform was too little artistic cardio, and gave me a crossfit poem instead. I don’t know why I do this to myself, lol.

      1. Claire*

        **I don’t know why I do this to myself, lol.**

        Because you like to challenge yourself? :)

    3. Elizabeth West*

      Nope. Book 2 has been on idle because of the increasingly precarious living situation.

      However, because of a program I applied for, I am going to spend all of July studying up on screenwriting. The chances of me getting in are microscopic. If perchance I do (bahahaha!) and I can work out the house / moving / money situation, I will be prepared. If not, doesn’t matter; it’s still something I’m interested in.

        1. Elizabeth West*

          Thank you. Getting into this thing would be worth it even if my work doesn’t get picked up; it would look fantastic on my resume. *pleasepleasepleaseplease make everything I want work out*

    4. poetry writing*

      I’m taking a poetry writing class and I am really enjoying it, except when I start comparing my writing to other people’s and then I think I’m in second grade and everyone is in grad school. I think some people in the class have more of a writing background but we never talk about that, just the poems, so it’s really just my own mind. I am enjoying the writing prompts in class and feel a bit more loose so I can actually write something – I took a class last year and none of the prompts resonated in any way with me or I was closed off, I don’t know, but I basically felt myself get more and more silent, which was awful. They were more like here’s a picture kind of prompts, these are more concrete (“your hands”) or start with “if you were/had” so that’s an easier start. I enjoy having the weekly deadline but I realized I need a lot of time to let the poem percolate in my brain, and one week is quite tight; like I’m presenting poems I know are not fully ready. Maybe everyone feels that way.

      1. Claire*

        The thing about writing–whether we’re talking about poems or prose–is that we’re always learning. So sure, some of your classmates might be farther along. Others might just be starting out. What’s important is that you’re enjoying the class and getting something out of it.

          1. Claire*

            It is a truth universally acknowledged that writers are better at giving sensible advice, than following it themselves. :)

  77. HamlindigoBlue*

    What are you reading this week?

    I finished The Passengers by John Marrs, which was interesting and scary. This week, I read Rebecca by Daphne du Maurier (mentioned by SophieChotek a couple of weeks ago) and loved it. I just started Courting Mr. Lincoln by Louis Bayard.

    3. SarahKay*

      I’m reading The Commodore, which is the ninth Hornblower book by C. S. Forester. I’d read and loved the first two years ago, not been able to get the third (student, no spare cash, no copies in the library) and stuck there. Then in May I started reading them as ebooks and I’m enjoying them so much; they’re really fabulous old-fashioned adventure yarns. Alas, only two more after this one :(

  78. Ask a Manager* Post author

    So, last week I had a 24-hour bout of the most horrific stomach thing I’ve ever had — started with me throwing up into a cup in the car, then in a parking lot, then 8+ times at home (after which I lost track). I couldn’t even keep down water for a while. (And yes, this was a week and a half after a previous stomach thing, which was lovely.)

    I had just started a new medication that day and I was concerned it was a reaction to that. My doctor is convinced it wasn’t, and that I had food poisoning or a random gastrointestinal thing, and she has been pushing me to try the drug again. So in what might be the bravest move I have ever made, I took the pill again a few hours ago. I have cleared my entire weekend, have a bucket nearby, and am waiting to see what happens. I am Extremely Nervous. It’s three hours in and I have started feeling a little weird, but it’s possible that’s just nerves or a non-vomit-related side effect.

    2. Mammo-anon*

      I had a bug like that last fall. Miserable. All I could do was suck on ice cubes. Your doc is probably correct. Good luck!

    3. Kathenus*

      Fingers crossed that your doctor is right. I know that experiences and associations can really influence you, regardless of whether or not they’re actually causally linked. I couldn’t use the Hall’s type cough drops for over a decade after being nauseous once while taking them, coincidentally. Every time I even thought of them they brought back that feeling. Somehow that’s changed and I can use them, but I totally get the worry. Just tell yourself that this is your doctor’s area of expertise, and use your own matter of fact – ‘well of course they’re right’ – thinking and hopefully you’ll be just fine.

      2. Oldster*

        I couldn’t applesauce for about 15-20 years after my mother mixed a sulfa drug in it. My son would never eat macaroni and cheese after he vomited the night hours after he had eaten. He was only 2.

        1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

          I know many people who have one or more types of alcohol they will not drink due to a poor association with overindulgence-related vomiting in college. Obviously, a refusal to drink tequila is much easier to work around in a medical situation than an association between an actually-helpful prescription and stomach illness though.

    4. Ethyl*

      If you have a thermometer, it might be worth checking your temp when you get tummy issues like that — a foodborne illness or a viral gastro bug will cause a slight fever (maybe 100?) whereas a side effect probably wouldn’t. I know this because I had a tummy issue the last two days and was running a low grade fever practically the entire time! Fevers make me feel SO gross and I’m so psyched to finally be less uhhh…….bathroom-y, in all ways.

      1. Ask a Manager* Post author

        Interesting — I felt like I had a fever (whole body was clammy but also hot) but when I took my temperature it was actually lower than normal — like 95 degrees, I think.

        1. Beaded Librarian*

          Some people have their temperature drop when they are sick. I knew someone who’s temp would drop at least 2 degrees every time he was sick.

        2. blackcat*

          Oh, 95 is low enough to be Not. Good. in certain circumstances. Try to pull up the full list of the side effects of that drug. If there’s anything metabolic listed, I’d stop it. Hypothermia will indeed feel like a fever.

          Drink tons of water. Aim for 3 liters in a day. If you do start puking again, it’ll help you recover faster. If you don’t, it won’t hurt other than having to pee a lot.

        3. Ethyl*

          That’s very low! I wouldn’t think an infection would do that but a medication might? I would be concerned for sure!!!

    5. Oldster*

      Good luck. I’ve started having issues with antibiotics. So far three drug families are out. See how number 4 goes. Nothing bad yet but the jury’s still out.

    6. Not So NewReader*

      Can you take something for your stomach, like Pepto? That way if things get a little rough, you have something in you to start to cope.

      Googling is probably not the best idea because you can get everything from “best medicine ever!” to “I almost died!” Maybe call your pharmacy and see what they think?

    8. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      I wound up having to take Zofran (couldn’t keep down water, friend had to go to the pharmacy for me) but in 24 hours, I was better… Stomach/flu bugs can be horrible. And not a doctor, but viruses vary, so you can get different ones with different reactions (headache, chills, gastro, etc). So… it could be completely unrelated. If you need to, though, take notes. When did you get sick? When did you take the med? When did you drink fluids, etc. Just in case you need the history.
      Feel better SOON. Kitties are hanging close, right?

    9. Ask a Manager* Post author

      Update: It is not making me throw up. But it is making me feel very weird, and it did not like it when I had a taco for dinner, to the point that I had to go lie down. I called the advice nurse who said “it appears you might be very sensitive to some medications,” said sometimes it takes a week or so to adjust, and suggested I try taking it before bed tomorrow rather than in the morning so I sleep through the worst of it.

      2. German Girl*

        This advice reminds me of an article on Chrono-Medicine that was in the German version of Scientific American a few month back (I don’t know if it was in the American version as well). Basically it said there are small scale studies that show the benefits of taking certain drugs or getting certain medical treatments either in the morning or in the evening, but it depends on a lot of factors and is a very open research field.
        Anyway, they also suggested taking medicine with side effects in the evening may be beneficial, so I’d give that suggestion from the nurse a shot.

  79. Jaid*

    I didn’t really know what I wanted to do this weekend. I thought about going for a drive today, but my car just couldn’t keep the A/C going on to my satisfaction. So I picked up some groceries on my way back home and took a cold shower when I got back.

    I’m just gonna veg and watch YouTube videos for the rest of the weekend.

    What are your plans this weekend?

    1. WellRed*

      I just finished setting up Roku. Not on the TV I wanted. What a pain. Still haven’t figured out all the channels, etc. Picking away at household chores.

    2. Elizabeth West*

      Tomorrow, more packing and purging.

      No, I am not moving; I have nowhere to go. Just packing, just in case.

    3. KoiFeeder*

      Cleaning out the koi pond, as usual. Keeping the herons and raccoons moving along. If it’s nice out tonight I might sleep outside. It’s the sweet spot between late May and early August, so the only piscivores I have to worry about chasing off are the usual culprits (Jeremiah is allowed to stay due to being potentially eatable by adult carp and too small to eat an adult carp).

    4. CatCat*

      Going out for pizza tonight. Tomorrow is possibly bike ride. And definitely the movies. Toy Story 4!

    5. Jaid*

      Oh, The NYT highlighted a TV show called “Birds of North America”. It’s pretty cool.

    6. Dan*

      Normal weekend for me, but next weekend I’m flexing Friday off, taking a four-day weekend, and Doing. Absolutely. Nothing. and going to enjoy every minute of it. Recently I took a two-week vacation to Europe, followed by a week back at work, followed by a week of conference travel (out of town) so right doing nothing has this oddly glorious appeal that sounds really hard to explain.

    7. Jaid*

      Annd I just made seafood boil in my Instant Pot. I have more corn and potatoes to cook, though, so I’m gonna use that lovely broth to do it in.

  80. AvonLady Barksdale*

    I have the first-worldiest of questions, but I am waffling. When we moved, we donated our wine glasses; they were fine, basic, standard glasses. I want new ones and I keep hemming and hawing over whether I should get a set of glasses for red and a set for white, and how varietal-specific I should be. Or should I just get a set of basic wine glasses? I have my eye on a Spiegelau set from Amazon.

    Any thoughts? My requirements are that they must have stems and they must look kind of interesting. We drink a lot of different types of wines, though I tend to lean towards Riesling, Gruner, and Primitivo.

    1. Grace*

      I’m not much of a wine connoisseur, but if it’s interesting-looking glasses that you’re after, do you have access to Denby? They have some, for pretty reasonable prices, with lovely coloured glass stems. We have the amethyst set and get compliments from guests fairly often!

      1. Auntie Social*

        The Yeoward amethyst glasses are stunning, but it’s just too weird drinking wine from colored glass. Plus they’re $100 a stem.

    2. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      On the “incredibly cheap” end of the spectrum, I just got a nice set of 4 wine glasses from Homegoods. They each have a different pattern etched into the glass so it’s easy to tell whose glass is whose. My main criteria is that I wanted something that would go in the dishwasher rather than be fancy crystal that I’d have to handwash, so I didn’t worry too much about different glasses for different varietals or anything since I knew I only wanted to buy one set of “inside” glass wine glasses and one set of “poolside” plastic ones.

      My dad, who cares a heck of a lot more about wine than I do, accumulates wine glasses by going to events at vineyards if that’s an option for you. A lot of them will have special events with souvenir glasses, and if you go to lots of different vineyards it’s a good way to get different glasses so you can again tell whose is whose. My dad’s the kind of person who gets all of his wine by being in the subscription clubs at assorted local vineyards, though. (I am the kind of person who gets my wine by looking for the cheapest drinkable thing with a screw top at the supermarket and making sangria.)

    3. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      Buy the ones you like, if you take care of things (ie, I had one housemate that broke everything they touched at one point in my life, so I hid the very best ones until they moved out).

      You might consider the idea of buying the first set (white) and put the red set on the anniversary/birthday/holiday gift list. Call it a housewarming. But these glasses are one of those things that will give you joy, if you have it in the budget. I used the same cut crystal ones for 15 years (had to sell them as part of the fund raising when hubby died). But they made a beautiful addition to the table when I used them.

      I did have an inexpensive set from various wineries that I used for picnics, camping, and backyard/ on the concrete locations. The good ones came out when being used for the better wines on more formal occasions. YMMV

    4. misspiggy*

      We have Riedel glasses. There’s a big ranfe based on wine types, and although they’re fragile they can be washed in a dishwasher. Beautiful and they do a lot for the wine.

  81. Jaz*

    In case anybody ever needed another reason to be wary of working for family: I work remotely for a company run by my mother and my aunt. I recently took a little time off to cope with, recover from, and seek medical attention for an early miscarriage. I hadn’t told my family about the miscarriage because it’s a painful topic that I didn’t want to share over the phone, so I’d been waiting for my mother’s upcoming visit. Unfortunately, the timing of my time off request and some of the symptoms I’d mentioned beforehand left both my mom and my aunt speculating that I might be pregnant, and my mother finally asked yesterday. It was a tough conversation for everybody.

  82. Melina's Mansion For Campground Raccoons*

    I have an update on the ex-roommate furniture drama…and it’s a doozy!

    Firstly, thank you to everyone who responded to my last post two weeks ago and gave me advice for dealing with the situation. For anyone who missed it, go to the Free-For-All thread from June 15-16 and search for my username.

    Last weekend, Clara texted me to “follow up” on the money I still owe her for the couch. I ignored her text. Two days later, she texted me again and asked if I got her previous text and proposed we have a sit-down to hash out a payment schedule. I knew the meeting wouldn’t end well, but I decided to meet with her to try one more time to reason with her and have this be over with once and for all.

    The sit-down was an absolute disaster. I arranged for it to be at a coffee shop so there was less chance of Clara making a scene, and it was a good thing it was in public because Clara was *furious* when I told her I wasn’t paying for the couch. I point-blank told her the couch is not broken and that I’m not going to pay her for it, and she demanded proof that it wasn’t broken. I showed her the pictures that I posted here two weeks ago, and she insisted that the pictures weren’t proof; they just “showed cloth and not broken springs or wood”. She insisted that her sister and best friend “felt wood and springs” so therefore it was broken. I told her Angela, my new roommate, sat on it and had the opinion that the couch *wasn’t* broken and that the cushioning had just worn down over five years of use. Clara insisted that Angela’s opinion was hearsay, since she’s never met her; well, guess what, Clara? Your sister’s and best friend’s opinions are hearsay, too! Of *course* your sister and best friend are going to be on your side; it’s your *sister* and *best friend*! Also, I wasn’t home when they supposedly sat down on the couch, so how do I know that isn’t a lie! The hearsay goes both ways, sweetheart.

    Clara kept going on and on about how I haven’t proven to her that the couch wasn’t broken, and I told her that she hasn’t proven that it is. She then told me I should have cut open the cushions on the seat and taken a photo of the bottom of the couch as proof. (Hmm…if I did that, then the couch actually would be damaged!) I told her that couch was five years old and asked her how long she really expected it to last. Clara’s rebuttal was that it was five years old, but I still “broke it”, so I need to pay for it and that she “only used it twice in five years, so she couldn’t have broken it”, which is an obvious, gross exaggeration of the situation. I demanded to know how I “broke” the couch and how I misused it and if she ever witnessed me misusing it, and she couldn’t answer me. I told her that paying for wear and tear on shared furniture is not a thing, and she still insisted that because I “broke it”, I needed to pay for it.

    I then brought up the state in which she left the apartment and showed her the pictures. Her reaction was “big whoop; you cleaned a window and a couple of cabinets” and that it was worth a $25 cleaning fee at most and that still didn’t make up for what I “owe her” on the couch. (I priced an apartment deep-clean for my area; it’s about $120 on average.) I proposed calling it even to be done with the situation, given the fact I had to clean up after her when she moved out and that I waived her final utility bills as a gesture of goodwill. She blew up and said I “broke her couch, broke her armoire, don’t want to pay her for it, and ‘I want to call it even.’” I knew then we weren’t going to be able to reach any kind of agreement, so I announced, “We’re done,” in a stern tone. She told me she’d take me to small claims court and stormed out of the coffee shop.

    I knew meeting up with her was a bad idea, but at least now I know for certain that Clara isn’t going to be reasonable about this. If she wants to take me to small claims court, so be it. After our sit-down I blocked her so she can’t call or text me anymore, and if she shows up to my apartment I’m calling the police. If she wants to contact me again, she’ll have to do it through court. If it does end up going to court, and I believe she’s petty enough to take me to small claims for this, she is legally not allowed to serve me or have any contact with me; only the court can do that.

    As for the couch? Angela and I hauled it outside for Sanitation pickup, and it’s now on its way to Couch Hell. Clara had no intention of picking it up and made it *very* clear she didn’t want it back. Angela was retrieving her couch out of storage and we needed the space. Her couch is a MILLION times better than the old one and it’s so comfortable that no pillows are required! Incredibly, it cost the same as Clara’s crappy couch. I still can’t believe Clara paid $400 for that couch…or so she says, because I never actually saw a receipt!

    Some people…*shaking my damn head*

    Anyway…Happy Pride weekend, everybody!

    1. Alex*

      Great job!

      There’s no way she has a case for small claims. I mean maybe she will take you but….yeah I wouldn’t worry too much about them finding in her favor. They’ll laugh her out of the courtroom.

    2. Not So NewReader*

      Maybe you can file a counter claim and include what you have said here. Do be sure to mention that you never saw the receipt for it so you have no proof how much it cost. She will probably file in a court that has jurisdiction where you live, as opposed to where she lives.

      1. Jack Russell Terrier*

        I don’t think it will come to Small Claims Court and I don’t want to alarm you but … you write

        ‘she is legally not allowed to serve me or have any contact with me; only the court can do that’

        I’m not sure what makes you think that. I’ve taken someone to small claims court and it is up to the Plaintiff to serve the Defendant so that the Court knows the Defendant has duly been given notice to appear. She can have a process server serve you. If you are served and don’t appear, the Court will find in her favor.

        I don’t think that in the end she’ll do this, although she obviously can be tenacious. But I think in the end the knowledge that you waived the utilities, she left the place in need of a deep clean and that you offered to call it even will bring her back to reality – the reality being that you’re being fair. I would make sure you have all that in writing / photos just in case. Keep us posted.

        2. Not So NewReader*

          Here in NY the court serves for small claims. It’s landlord-tenant stuff that the plaintiff has to serve.

          I do agree with Jack, I think that she won’t be able to pull it together to make a court case against you, OP. I wish you the best, you will have to let us know how it’s going.

          1. Jack Russell Terrier*

            Ohhh I didn’t realize different states had different ways. In DC I had to serve the person and the rotter was under the radar. It was insane. I do some work for a PI and she tired to find this person for several years and never found an address to serve. I could never bring a claim because I never was able to serve before the Statute of Limitations ran out. I wonder what the Court in NY does in this situation.

            I’m still bitter – I think there should have been an extended statute of limitations as now the rotter has surfaced. It doesn’t surprise me – I’ve since found out the rotter has a lot debt to many people and companies. The rotter does a good job of dodging – sees it as a game.

            1. Not So NewReader*

              The variation in state laws is pretty wild.
              They kind of have to know where their person is so they can file in the correct court, no matter what type of case it is. A case filed and/or decided in the wrong court can get thrown out either by the court itself or overruled by an upper court.

              But states can be so different across the board with many laws and regs. I go over to Vermont and see things that would get a business shut down here in NY. And the reverse is true, Vermonters will say, “Oh, X or Y would never fly here in Vermont.”

  83. MOAS*

    On a light, red note..

    I bought Ed sheeran ketchup (backstory, Ed Sheeran partnered with Heinz to make his own ketch up. It’s just regular Heinz ketchup but named “Edchup.” its available online and was sold out but had a limited restock so I acted quickly and bought 2 bottles).
    Listening to his new song w/ khalid again and again
    Seeing “Yesterday” tomorrow.

    It’s a good weekend. I <3 him so much. =)

      1. MOAS*

        SPOILERS WARNING
        .
        .
        .
        .
        .
        I just saw it, and I was not expecting to bawl and tear up. I enjoyed the whole movie, esp Ed’s two songs (<3 penguins), but when he said "I can't believe you made it to 78" I CRIED. I was not expecting such a trigger.

  84. coffee cup*

    I posted about how to defrost my freezer a few weeks ago. I’ve still not done it! For some reason it’s daunting. But I think it has to be done soon. I need frozen food space! I’m just worried it will be water all over the place. It’s warm just now, though, so I am hoping it might just take a few hours. I don’t know what’s causing my mental block with this!

    1. Madge*

      The trick is to not let it get that far. I didn’t read the original post, so I don’t know what you have or what your plan is. But if you keep checking back, the ice will usually melt first between the ice and the walls so you can pull chunks off as they loosen. A few strategically placed towels and you’re good to go.

    2. chi chan*

      Most freezers have a drainage … thing you pull out and the water flows down that. The one on our freezer is like a little ruler. We put a bowl under it and periodically empty it. Check your freezer company online to see if they have instructions for defrosting.

    3. I'm a Little Teapot*

      Just in case, put down a towel and have more standing by. Sensible precaution.

    4. Rebecca*

      Maybe this will help, since it’s warm, and I’ve done this with the freezer compartment on top of a fridge. Ideally, I didn’t open the fridge part underneath. I unplugged the fridge, opened the freezer compartment, got as much stuff out as I could (put in cooler with some ice and put it in the cellar). Then I set up a fan pointed right at the freezer. And here’s the sort of tricky part – after an hour or so, I used a flat head screw driver, a nice longer sturdy one to start to pry the ice loose if I could. I didn’t jab like an ice pick, just sort of slid it in where I could and broke up the ice into chunks and threw them in the sink.

      I always dreaded doing this, and the best thing I ever did was buy a new fridge that was frost free :)

    5. No fan of Chaos*

      I always used a cheap cheese slicer to shave off enough frost to put whatever it was into the freezer.

  85. Anon For This*

    So I realized a thing about relationships. Not everyone wants to be friends with their partner the same way they’re friends with their friends. I want a relationship that’s more like a friendship, where we can talk about all kinds of things and see each other as equals. I’ve found that if you say that, most people will say that’s what they want too. But then it doesn’t always work that way in practice.

    I’m not into online dating. I do things the old fashioned way and meet people face to face. I’m trying to figure out how to communicate what I’m looking for in a way that will work. And am I being idealistic? How similar to a friendship can a relationship actually be?

    It would be nice to hear some success stories if you’ve found something similar to what I described here.

    1. Lcsa99*

      My husband and I consider each other our best friends. It’s hard to put it in words really, but we are able to talk about anything to each other and don’t judge. It’s so easy to be with him because I don’t have to worry about being anything but myself – even sharing parts of my personality that other people would consider not very nice.

      I know you said you prefer meeting people the old fashioned way but we did meet online and I think in a way that made it easier. We both felt we could be more open and honest because of the anonymity that meeting online offers, so we could build the friendship while chatting online and simultaneously build the relationship in person while dating.

    2. Washi*

      I’m curious about your comment that most people say they want to be friends with their partner but that it ends up not working that way in practice. What do you mean by that? What are you seeing in other people’s relationship that you wouldn’t want in your own?

      I think without that specificity, you’re going to get more of the same here. I think 99% of people in this group of commenters who are in happy relationships would say that they can talk about all kinds of things and see each other as equals. It’s so common in my experience to see relationships that way that I’d be surprised if you got comments suggesting otherwise.

      1. Anon For This*

        Hey! Good comment. I actually wrote about those things at first but revised my post because I wanted to keep it short and on the lighter side of things.

        I was referring to my own past relationships. I think it has a lot to do with people’s ideas about gender and gender roles. I don’t know if it’s unique to opposite gender relationships or if the same dynamics can play out between any couple.

        The pattern is usually that the guy says in the beginning that he wants the same thing – a relationship based on friendship. But over time, it becomes clear that, for example, he enjoys discussing politics with his friends but refuses to with me – not because we disagree but because of the gender thing. Or he doesn’t want to talk about what’s really going on in our lives; he wants to keep things more distant and based on small talk. Because of gender expectations – not being comfortable opening up to someone of the opposite gender (obviously, we all have stuff that we share with friends but not our partners; I’m taking about something more extreme). Or he seems to want more of a leader-follower dynamic, being the source of knowledge and guidance – he likes to tell me about stuff and gets offended when I share my own knowledge with him. I have seen this with men of different backgrounds, income levels, types of professions – urban and rural, white collar and blue collar. I think it isn’t always intentional. I think it has to do with how they understand gender, or something. These have been mostly people with progressive ideals who didn’t seem to be intentionally trying to enforce more rigid views of gender…. And yet they did. And it was really hard to have a productive conversation about it.

        I’ve realized that this is one of the major reasons my past relationships haven’t worked. I don’t really want to be an Other, like a different species who is supposed to play an entirely different role. I like having differences. I like personal space, and privacy, and traditional gender stuff is fine if both people like it. But I want it to feel more like any other friendship, where we talk about all kinds of topics and are equals who bring different things to the relationship, as opposed to one person taking the lead.

        I don’t want this to sound like I’m being negative or judgmental towards men in general. I think it’s just a relationship issue that plays out differently for different people.

        1. Washi*

          Ah, this makes sense. I wondered if this is what you meant but didn’t want to assume the gender you are attracted to.

          Yes, it is not particularly difficult to find men who are professed feminists, but in what I have seen, it can be difficult to find men who care so deeply that they are willing to fight against the currents that quickly and quietly sweep people into gender roles. I hear so many of my female friends with supposedly feminist husbands saying things like “well I just am better at organizing, so I organize our social calendar” or “I enjoy cleaning and have higher standards, so I do all of that” or “he just really cares about his last name and I don’t feel strongly about mine.” And yes, that can be true on an individual basis, but somehow it’s always the women making these same “choices” and the men in their lives are just seemingly oblivious, probably because it’s easy to be oblivious when it benefits you.

          Anyway…you asked for success stories, and I feel like my marriage thus far has generally been one. He cares very deeply about my thoughts and opinions and happiness. We split the cleaning and other chores equally. I have higher standards for cleaning but he has trained himself to meet them. And one big positive “yes!” sign to me was that in planning our wedding, he did a full 50+ percent of the work. Not just me delegating half the tasks, but being a full partner and completely owning both his tasks and the mental load. Also he took my last name :)

          That said, we’ve had our moments. Early on in our relationship, if I had some serious criticism, he would get upset in a way that was a clear bid for me to comfort him. I described to him how that made me feel and the effect it had of shutting down the conversation. He agreed, and after one more time of me pointing out “this is the thing I was talking about” completely stopped doing that. I think that’s the biggest thing for me – no man is a naturally perfect completely un-sexist being after being raised in our culture – is that if I point something out that’s bothering me, he listens, makes sure he understands, and STOPS DOING IT. I don’t need to nag, I don’t need to cry and shout to make him think I’m serious. It’s inherently important to him that our relationship is equal, and it’s something he thinks about regularly, not just when I bring it up.

          But ugh, it’s not easy. Gender roles are simpler because you don’t have to think about anything, you just follow your societal programming! And I do think it can be hard to find a partner who cares enough to do the work of forging another path.

        2. matcha123*

          Wow! I’ve experienced the same thing, but since I’m living in Japan it’s been hard for me to know whether this is a cultural difference or a personality difference.
          My ex never opened up about his political views or other things that seem important to me. And he was just fine with that! I’ve met other men who have spent significant time overseas who have a similar mindset. It almost seems like, as you said, they have their “talk about politics” friends, their “go to movies” friends, etc. And the girlfriend/wife is only supposed to come to them with light-hearted chit-chat and make them forget about the serious issues in the world…

        3. Clever Name*

          I responded below before reading this. Honestly, it sounds like you just weren’t compatible with your previous partners. I discussed this question with my boyfriend and we agreed that our relationship isn’t really based on friendship at all. We each have our own distinct group of friends and we interact with our friends differently than we interact with each other, if that makes sense. I totally understand about gender roles and how that plays out in a relationship, and again it has to do with overall compatibility. Sure, you could ask men if they are feminists, but I don’t know that it would give you a clear answer. Heck, I don’t even know that my boyfriend would describe himself as a feminist, but I have more formal education and make significantly more than he does, and he’s super proud of me for my accomplishments. He brags about me to his friends. To me, that’s pretty damn feminist. He respects my thoughts and opinions and takes my needs into consideration always. To me, it’s not about being friends, it’s about having a deep respect for your partner.

          1. Lilysparrow*

            I also answered below before seeing this.

            I do have a friends-first relationship with my husband, and I also think this is a compatability issue, or an intimacy issue. If you want to open up about feelings & beliefs, and your partner doesn’t, then you are ready for a level of intimacy that your partner isn’t prepared or willing to give you.

            My husband & I have a very egalitarian relationship, though without much overt negotiation. We have traded off being the main breadwinner, and the one who works less does more chores. At other times, we’ve had health problems that meant the other had to pick up slack. So we did. If anything, I pick up less slack than he does.

            With other things, like being the one responsible for family communication, or mansplaining or talking over me, it’s been like Washi’s situation. As I became aware that this was a pattern, and a problem, I told him about my feelings and he made the change (or obviously began working on the change).

            I guess my advice would be to take things slowly and get a better sense of the dynamics between you, and the person’s willingness to listen & adjust, before getting serious. Don’t invest a lot of time or emotion in people who don’t want the same things. But when you find one, be willing to grow into the relationship together.

        4. Close Bracket*

          Oooooh….

          I tend to date men who say they like smart women, and then get really upset when I know more about something than they do. I think it is very gendered, like they like the idea of a smart woman but still want to be the smarter/more informed one in the relationship. I think with this kind of thing, you have to get to know them to really see what “being equals” looks like to them.

    3. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      My husband and I were friends for over a decade before we started dating, but at this point, I wouldn’t describe him as “my friend.” I mean, he is, but now that is a portion of our relationship rather than the encompassing title. Like, I have “friends” and “good friends” and “my bestie” and my housemate who is like a brother and I have my husband. On a Venn diagram, there are things that overlap between categories, but also things that don’t. And while “friends” and “good friends” don’t have anything that I can think of that wouldn’t also be in the other three, they do each have their own characteristics that are not shared with the other two, for a variety of reasons.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      Working into this backwards, not every friend can chat on every topic. Some folks have limits as to what they are willing to talk about and some folks just have nothing to contribute to a given topic.

      I felt I had married my best friend. I found out he was not a comprehensive package. Anything involving color was nothing he understood. This meant everything from the colors of my outfits to the color of the siding on the house. Color was just not something he understood. He was an excellent tech and he fixed everything around the house, but plants and animals baffled him to no end. I love plants and pets. Although not a lawyer, he had no problem standing up for me when I had to go to court with a traffic ticket. And he successfully got me out of the ticket …. more than once… before I learned….sigh. But standing up for himself was just not his strong suit. Of the two of us, I was more of a risk taker. I would buy that food that neither one of us had ever had and I would attempt to cook it.

      And everything I mention here is just day-to-day type stuff. But the same went for the bigger discussions of budgeting, employment, other relationships and so on. Some stuff he did well with and some stuff he did not do well with. He would say the same of me. When IRAs came into vogue he did not want one. Oh my, he was super upset. Finally he got one, but it involved months of talking with him. The hardest part was he could not nail down or articulate the exact nature of his concern. I never did learn why the major reluctance. I can only conclude that he did not believe he was good with money stuff. I suppose the score got evened up when I left him alone to deal with that bat which was flying all over the house, eh?

      I have had a few years to reflect on married life. I came to realize that no spouse offers everything. No spouse fills all expectations, it’s good to know what we place a high value on and focus on those aspects of the relationship. Friends and family can fill in the gaps that SOs can’t.
      We do learn what we want in a spouse through our friendships. I read that a while back and wished someone had told me that decades ago. We learn the “must haves”, “nice to have but not necessary” and “things that are deal breakers”. So yes, friendships are the background work for LTRs and marriage. You can look over your friendships and family relationships and figure out when people have charmed you or captured your heart with an endearing action or words. These are clues for what you will value in a partner.

      I don’t think we communicate what we are looking for in a sit-down conversation. I think we communicate it by moving through life together, meaning dating and getting to know each other. I remember he asked me what my reaction would be to underwear on the bedroom floor. I said “Get a second hamper to put in the bedroom.” He chuckled, “Oh. Yeah. Right.” It’s a little question with larger meaning. (We had two hampers at all times.) How a person handles the small stuff can (not always) indicate how they will handle larger stuff.

      I have a male friend now who has a few failed relationships under his belt. One day, we went some where. I was driving and my purse was in the back seat. I needed my purse, so I said, “Would you please reach my purse for me?” He fell silent. Then he said, “Wow, I never knew someone could ask so politely for their purse.” (?????) Friendships never cease to teach us.

    5. ThatGirl*

      My husband and I are friends…. but we’re not the kind of couple who say “they’re my best friend”. He sees our relationship as distinct, deeper, different. But we did get to know each other as friends before we started dating, and I think you may want to do that, to see that you’re compatible as people before getting into the relationship stuff?

      1. ThatGirl*

        Also I agree that no one person can ever fill all our needs, and we shouldn’t expect them to. I’m a great life partner for my husband but I’m not the person he games with and he’s not the person I shop or bake with. That’s fine! Marriage does not mean we don’t need other people in our lives!

        1. Anon For This*

          Yes! I’m not looking for someone who I have everything in common with or can talk about absolutely everything with. I just want it to feel friendly and open, without tons of lines being drawn based on gender roles. I would get specific, but it’s kind of a sad topic. I don’t want to sound bitter about past relationship problems. I’m trying to take a constructive approach.

          But, OK, there is an old fashioned idea that men and women shouldn’t discuss certain kinds of topics together and that there should be a certain amount of distance between them. That same sex friends are supposed to be closer to you than your partner. And a lot of people – based on my own relationship experience – seem to continue to fall into those patterns, even if they don’t mean to. But I know it’s not always like that. It seems like it is possible to have something a bit more egalitarian and friendship-like. I’m trying to figure out how to find that.

          1. ThatGirl*

            It is. But that has more to do with the type of guy you date than the type of relationship.

            1. Anon For This*

              Yes! It’s a matter of finding someone who you’re compatible with in practice, not just in theory. Part of that compatibility being the way you see relationships and what you actually want. The hard part is finding someone like that.

          2. Not So NewReader*

            Just in general terms, I felt that a partner should be able to speak openly about health topics, money topics and spiritual topics among other things. We hit two out of those three. He did talk about money but he seemed overwhelmed when we did.

            I don’t think there is a rule book that says same sex friends should be closer to you than you partner. And I would disagree with that statement for the most part.
            I’d have to break that one down a bit before I could agree with that in certain situations. For example, I would not expect my husband to be conversant on female products. He wasn’t going to know which pads were the best to buy. However, I did expect him to have basic understanding of how the body works, for example huge blood loss is NOT GOOD. If I am having that type of problem, I need help and probably should not be left alone. (He got this one right.)

            People fall into patterns because they don’t take deliberate steps to break the pattern. It’s good to recognize patterns that are not what you want. And, OTH, there are times where leaning on a partner is just too much. For example, when I was job hunting my husband had little to no advice. I had to find outside sources. Asking him the same questions over and over only drove him batty.
            One thing I did that really helped me was I refused to talk angrily to other people about something my husband did. I waited until I collected my thoughts and then I would ask him to talk to me about whatever the issue was. Going to a third party is only a good idea IF we are looking for actionable advice. The dangerous pitfall is the constant venting. This does nothing but allow the situation to continue. I thought this was really important in our marriage.

            Marriage/LTRs are a PART of life but they are not the sum total of life. Marriage is not a destination, it’s a journey. Two people should lift each other up, they should be more and do more BECAUSE of the other person. Each spouse continues to grow even though they are married. I watched my husband go from having NO career to having a 30 year career as a tech. (His first career choice, before he met me, did not pan out.) He grew himself to the point that he was really respected as a go-to by his peers.

            When I met my husband, my family was in health crisis. Anyone who got involved with me at that point would have to walk through horror without quitting. He just kept going from one horrible story to the next. I even offered him “easy outs” and he said, “No. I am okay right here.” He was gutsy. Really gutsy.

            Based on this experience here, I would say if you are looking for a friendship-like relationship then take a hard look at how many things your chosen person is willing to share with you. Does Partner avoid visiting sick relatives when you have to go see them? Will partner do some of your hobby things with you? Will partner go to the grocery store or any store and share purchase making decisions with you? How much of your day, or your week is Partner actually interested in and how much of it does Partner participate in? But here’s the important part, we have to do the same for our partners, it’s a back and a forth; reciprocal actions.

            Since no one offers a comprehensive package any relationship is going to involve trade offs. I could see my husband would never be a CEO. I traded that inevitability for his quiet consistency. He was so even-keeled, to the point of almost unflappable. His even-temperedness was of higher value to me than his potential earnings level. It’s trade-offs. He had other things about him that I also placed a high value on.

            All that said, I knew him for four years before I married him. Because I wanted to be sure.

          3. Lilysparrow*

            I’ve never had a same-sex friend I would talk to about the type of personal or health or emotional stuff I talk to my husband about. That just seems odd to me.

            I wonder if this has anything to do with growing up and siblings? I was very close with my brother growing up. Never had a sister.

            1. Quandong*

              We have the complete opposite experience, Lilysparrow. I have no opposite-sex friends with whom I have that level of emotional intimacy. I grew up with two sisters and an emotionally constrained and distant mother.

            2. TL -*

              I do but I have very, very good friendships.
              But for me, my SO wasn’t my friend; he just fell in a different category altogether. And he opened up to me emotionally in ways he didn’t to his friends and I was more frequently emotional around him than anyone else.

              We didn’t talk about everything but a lot of the things we did talk about (finances, long term decisions, life goals) were things we wouldn’t talk about to friends, or not in the same dept at any rate (ie, oh I’m glad you’re getting a new car! What are you looking at? Oh yeah they have good value for money. Versus, you already have $X debt load and adding on a new car is a lot. How much do you really need one? What is your budget? Do you have a down payment?)

              I think the things we didn’t talk about were the things I talk about in a lot of friendships – pop culture, ridiculously deep analysis of current events or books/movies. Politics and day to day stories overlapped somewhat. We broke up because we had different life goals but a lot of the stuff in our relationship worked really well for me and I know to look for going forward.

          4. lasslisa*

            You must be coming from a different sort of background than I do, because the problem I’m more familiar with is that men don’t think they’re allowed to have emotional discussions or be vulnerable with other men. So they are only open and express their emotions with women (female friends maybe, or just girlfriends and wives in cultures that are less open to platonic cross-gender friendships), and many men end up saying their wife is their only real friend. This is a cause of bad outcomes for men after divorce (no one to lean on, no comfort in making friends except through their now-ex-wife) and suspected also to be a cause of stain in the marriage.

            If that doesn’t ring familiar to you, then you’re probably operating in a fairly different cultural milieu and that may be a reason if you aren’t finding understanding here. Because what you describe is more like a story I would hear about the older days, or about certain more patriarchal cultures.

    6. chi chan*

      Friendship seems to be a very general term for what you are looking for. From what you wrote I think you want someone who is a feminist, someone who is not very secretive and such. I think the way we find people is to show those parts of ourselves. If people say ‘Yes, me too.’ and have something to contribute to the conversation then they are on the same page as you. So ask your dates if they read books by women authors, watch shows with females as main characters. Can they contribute a favorite recipe they can cook themselves or share stories of a woman they look up to and for what reason. And it may be that you reject a lot of people sooner rather than later but that is okay. Also if they don’t seem as interested in you as you are in them they may not be right for you. So do a little more reconnaissance, I think.

    7. Clever Name*

      I too am curious about what you’ve experienced or seen in other relationships that makes you feel that most people don’t want their partner to be their best friend. And I’m really not sure that there is a question or series of questions that one could ask on a first date that would replace simply getting to know someone organically over time.

      I think maybe you’re thinking of relationships where there’s a lot of physical passion but not much else? I do think friendship is an important component of a relationship, but a good relationship is even more than that. I mean, you have to like them as a person, and you have to enjoy spending time with them, and you have to be able to be honest with them and can tell them anything, but (at least for me and my boyfriend) it’s so much more than just friendship. My boyfriend is absolutely my favorite person to hang out with and there’s no one I’d rather spend time with.

      Maybe evaluate people you date on a variety of levels. Are you attracted to them? Do you like them as a person? Do you have enough in common to enjoy mutual activities together? A good relationship encompasses all of those things.

    8. Lilysparrow*

      My husband & I are best friends. We were in the same social circle, so the first time we hung out one-on-one, neither of us were 100 percent sure whether it was a date-date or not.

      Then we spent 5 or 6 hours talking about just – everything, laughing our heads off, and the second date we knew was for sure a date.

      Been married nearly 16 years now. Still besties.

      The great thing about not doing the online-dating thing, is that you don’t *have* to articulate exactly what you’re looking for. You can just keep saying yes to the things you enjoy, and no to the things you don’t. And it works out.

  86. Amethyst*

    Yesterday was my last day watching my nephews on the regular. I’ve been having a hard time reconciling that I won’t even be seeing them from now on except when I want to visit…whenever that may be. I’d been watching them 3-4 times/week for 2 years. Yesterday was especially rough because the toddler (19 months) wouldn’t be put down into his crib for a nap without a cuddle first, & listening to him breathe on my shoulder set me off to crying. Then when he adjusted his position to rest his head directly below my chin, requiring me to sway in place just as I did when he was a baby, I cried harder. I had to stay in his room after I put him down for his nap because I was a complete emotional wreck & didn’t want my older nephew to see me like that.

    It’s bittersweet. They’re going off to daycare starting Monday. I begin my new job the same day. I’m looking forward to having my whole week be mine again, but I started missing them as soon as I gathered my things to leave.

    1. Not A Manager*

      This is sweet and sad. Congratulations on your new job and virtual kisses to your nephews. Kids can really maintain a very deep connection with important adults, even if they see them quite infrequently. It sounds like you’ll be able to see a lot of them. They are lucky to have you.

  87. Toaster Strudel heiress*

    Cat owners! Any tips on helping your cats stay cool in a heatwave? It is BOILING here (England) at the moment, and I want to make sure I’m doing anything I should be. Thanks!

    1. annakarina1*

      I’m so sorry that Europe is in a massive heat wave, it sounds awful.

      In my home, I keep the AC on in intervals so it keeps the home cool, and I provide water and wet food for moisture. My cat tends to hide in small dark places to stay cool, like under beds and in closets.

      I don’t have much advice, but I hope that any cool tiled floors can provide relief for your cats, staying low to the ground also feels cooler from them (I realized this while doing floor exercises).

      1. Toaster Strudel heiress*

        We have cool wooden floors but our cat seems to want to lie in patches of sunlight or on windowsills. Lots of water available. Thanks!

    2. Ramanon*

      My Birman sleeps under the fridge, the madman. But he’s also very old and can’t climb, so it’s kind of his only option.

    3. Lcsa99*

      We keep the a/c and fans on as much as possible when we have it, refresh their water frequently so it’s cold and when it’s particularly hot we’ll add ice to their water. We’ve also run ice cubes over their fur if they feel hot when you pet them. The cats love it!

      1. Toaster Strudel heiress*

        No A/C here I’m afraid. We have a tower fan which is mostly eyed with suspicion haha

    4. Tris Prior*

      It’s not super hot here yet, but noticeably warmer than it has been, and my cats are floppy. Discovered by accident (by turning my back for more than 10 seconds) that one of my cats really enjoys licking the ice in an ice cube tray, So I left it out for him and he thoroughly enjoyed it. (His sister just wanted to swat at the tray though.)

    5. Forrest Rhodes*

      The 15-year-old Tuxedo who lives with me—I’d never presume to say I “own” him; more likely it’s the other way around—likes a couple of ice cubes in his water dish, and the shower door left far enough open that he can relax on the cool shower tile (and I haven’t had any probs with cat hair in the drain).
      On wicked hot days I also soak a washcloth in cool water, squeeze the cloth enough that it’s not too drippy, and wipe him down—back, sides, under the chin, on the chest, and on the belly, and he doesn’t protest when I use the cloth in the reverse direction on his fur.
      Seems to keep him comfortable in L.A. heat (upstairs apartment, lots of east-facing windows, no AC).
      –

    6. LuJessMin*

      My cats would rather hang out on the back porch (not air-conditioned), rather than in the house where it’s much cooler. So I’m no help. ^..^~~

    7. Ethyl*

      Freeze a bottle of water or two and leave them where they like to sleep, make sure they have plenty of cold, fresh water (I’ll pop an ice cube in my guys’ bowls when it gets like that). Also, check in with your vet — I know it’s hot, but cats are actually comfy at higher temperatures than people usually so they may be uncomfortable but not in danger. If they start panting, then that’s no good, but cats will usually weather hot weather (hmm) ok. Oh! Maybe give them gooshy food if you don’t normally to make sure they’re getting enough fluids.

    9. Aphrodite*

      Summer is the most hateful season of the year as far as I am concerned. I’d dump its ass off a pier if I could. But that’s neither here nor there. Let’s talk about cats and heat.

      This is an offbeat idea but I find it rather effective. On windows that face the morning sun either fully or partially tape aluminum foil (dull side out for good neighborly relations). Cover each pane. By keeping not just the heat but the sun you can help lower the temperature. Don’t impede your ability to open and close the window if you do that in cooler weather. It won’t make a hot room cool but you will feel a definite difference when the room stay completely or nearly dark. Mine stay this way until the sun feels comfortable again.

      If you can, and at least one person may have already suggested this: get a portable air conditioner. And up your intake of plain water by at least double.

      1. Toaster Strudel heiress*

        I share your hatred of the summer.

        I live in a village and putting tinfoil on the windows would be a really strange thing to do, so I’ll pass, but thanks for the tip.

    10. StellaBella*

      I live in the middle of Europe and I have a cat. I take a wet cool wash cloth and wash her down a few times a day. I leave out a lot of water for her in many places. Most apartments and offices where I live do not have AC and I don’t have a fan, tho, at 36C peak today, I am thinking to buy one. I also give her moist food with extra water in it, and keep windows open at night for cooler air to come inside. Good luck!

  88. IrishEm*

    Went to see Toy Story 4 today. It’s the first time in many years I’ve seen a film in its opening weekend, and lads. I’m totes emosh after it. I sobbed so hard, and laughed even harder. Anybody want to talk about their favourite childhood toys with me?

    I had a ragdoll that I adored. Marybell was her name. She went with me to the hospital when I had my tonsils out. I couldn’t sleep without her. She was my dearest friend.

    1. Patty Mayonnaise*

      Can’t wait to see Toy Story 4! Growing up, I had a Kitty Kitty Kitten named Rocky. I got him for Christmas. Apparently a Santa came to my school, unbeknownst to my mom, and I told that Santa I wanted a calico kitten toy. Then probably two days before Christmas, I told my mom I asked Santa for the kitten, and drew a picture of a calico cat. Santa brought me the exact kitten I wanted, and I thought Rocky was so special because Santa knew just what I wanted. Today I know Rocky was special because my mom went to a Toys R Us on Christmas Eve to get him for me. I still have Rocky and my son is sleeping with him right now!

  89. MOAS*

    So I need a little advice. My mom wants to go out for lunch with me and my husband. My husband doesn’t want to go b/c she gets very weird when we go out. She complains a lot, like a WHOLE LOT. she’s very negative about everything. and we only go to places where people understand her native language. SHe’ll pick on the food the waiters etc. (we always pay so we tip well).
    But she wants us to go out, which I don’t blame her – she doesn’t have anything else to do at home.
    I feel like if I were to bring it up beforehand, “behave well, dont do this or that” she’ll get mad. and it’s kinda funny cz they used to do that to me and I’d get so mad (“when did I do that??????”).

    1. Not So NewReader*

      Well I think starting the conversation gently is important.
      “Mom, it doesn’t seem like you are having a good time. The food got you upset and the waiter got you upset. What can we do to change this so you have fun?”

      If you wait until you want to choke her you have waited too long to start the conversation. Try to leave the conversation in an open place so you can go back to it again.
      For the moment, maybe you can get your husband off the hook by saying, “Mom, I know what. Let’s do girls lunch/dinner out. Just you and I will go and it will be fun, just you and me.”

      1. Dan*

        This is the best advice OP is going to get. Leaving DH at home for girls night is a great suggestion.

        For me, my mom is going to gripe about pretty much anything, so I go to places that I know I’m going to enjoy. Them’s the shakes when one bitches a lot. Hell, I’d even trade with mom — I’ll go to your places and enjoy it if you go to mine and enjoy it too.

        Big picture: I don’t believe that old people are entitled to bitch a lot just because they are old. They can be pleasant to be around, or not. Their pick. And then they deal with the fall out. Anybody know anybody who bitches a lot and is pleasant to be around?

    2. Not A Manager*

      What is wrong with your husband that he can’t put up with one difficult lunch? It would be one thing if she were attacking him or something, but this just sounds uncomfortable, not dangerous.

      If he really won’t go, take her yourself.

      I think you will have limited success with trying to control her behavior by conversations either before or during. If you want to try, I would pick a few *very clear* action items and then remind her every time they arise. Don’t bother with “please don’t be rude to the waiters,” it’s too vague. “Please don’t spit your food out while exclaiming Ick! Garbage!” is more enforceable.

      1. Dan*

        It’s not one difficult lunch, it’s as many as OP+mom invite DH to go to. Some people just suck to be around. You want to put this on DH, but really, mom’s the problem and I don’t see why DH needs to be the one to suck it up.

        1. Not A Manager*

          I probably misread it. For some reason, “My mom wants to go out for lunch with me and my husband” made me think that she’s been begging for this one outing and DH won’t go. It’s trickier if this is a regular event.

          But even then, in my opinion “DH needs to be the one to suck it up” because this is important to his partner. I don’t think one needs to put up with being abused by one’s partner’s family, but this just sounds like pretty typical misbehavior that sometimes family members exhibit. Of course the OP and DH should try to mitigate the mother’s behavior. (I vote for being polite themselves, maybe apologizing on mom’s behalf, and leaving a big tip. That would be instead of trying to change mom’s behavior, which I am dubious about.)

          If DH just can’t be assed to go, then OP should go herself. But, from the perspective of having been the supportive partner AND from the perspective of having a supportive partner, I think DH is being unkind to his wife by not helping her out.

          1. valentine*

            I would not suffer a complainer, especially if they mistreat servers, and would be wary of anyone who did.

            1. Not A Manager*

              Wait. Are you serious that you would not “suffer” your mother if she were a complainer? If I refused to suffer my complaining relatives, I’d have a lot fewer relatives.

              1. Dan*

                And I’d be ok with fewer relatives if they were really insufferable.

                That said… one thing I’ve noticed over time in these threads is that there’s a super strong deference to “mom”. More or less, the unspoken sentiment is that mom is a goddess that must be revered. What kind of ass wouldn’t want to spend time with their mom or spouse’s mom?

                The thing is, not all of us have moms that are super wonderful. In fact, some of us have moms that objectively suck. Broader things aside, my mom is super picky about what she eats. But what she cannot do is “negotiate” and trade restaurants with people. I’m not talking about allergens that she must avoid, but at a vast majority of places that I would suggest, she’d find at least one acceptable item on the menu. She’s never not. In fact, she’s always declared the food to be “good”. But getting her to say “ok, that sounds good for night X, but can we can go to my place on night Y? I promise I won’t complain.” Yeah, no. Ain’t gonna happen. But when I posted on the subject last month, the responses I got were overwhelmingly “how dare you not cater to your mother’s dietary preferences. It’s X meals per year, what’s the harm?” Well ok, but that assumes mom is a goddess to whom deference must be shown, and not all of us feel that way.

                So directly to your question: There are those of us who would prefer (and choose not to) spend time with people, blood relatives or otherwise, who just complain all of the time.

                1. Not So NewReader*

                  Oh, agreeing with you so hard, Dan.
                  Context is super important. But it also been my observation that when adult children have a specific, on-going problem with a parent that particular problem is the tip of the iceberg.

                  Very little happens in a vacuum. Adult children who are given “job lists” the minute they walk through the door of parents’ house or who are shushed because parents are watching tv are probably going to resist eating dinner with a complainer.

                  I would be very surprised to find OP’s mother’s behavior in a restaurant is a stand-alone problem. OP’s mom is driving people away from her because of her behavior. In this case, OP’s husband IS dependent upon OP to speak up. He can’t do it as an in-law. If it was his mother then my thoughts here would be the reverse. He’d have to speak to his mother.

                2. MOAS*

                  Agree with you too. I have a lot of emotional baggage from my mom and has been difficult to deal with since my dad died. In my religion/culture, moms are supposed to be practically worshipped, so I can’t really talk about this with anyone in person. (I’m seeing a therapist to deal with my problems.). But the general mentality is “you can’t handle a few comments for an hour? What’s wrong with you you weak sad excuse for a human.”

                  maybe it was my mistake not mentioning this stuff cz I just wanted to ask a question, without getting in to the background and life story behind it..it can get exhausting. I didn’t think it would be so loaded.

              2. fhqwhgads*

                Relative or not, if someone mistreats waitstaff in restaurants, I will discontinue going to restaurants with that person.

                (Separately, I prefer to spend as little time with my relatives as possible for unrelated reasons. I do not feel obligated to spend time with unpleasant people because we’re legally or genetically connected.)

          2. Washi*

            I think it would be wrong if DH tried to stop OP from taking her mom out or refused to see her altogether, but I don’t see why he can’t bow out of regular lunches. Maybe he agrees to go out on her birthday and Mother’s day, and otherwise leave the lunching to OP.

            It doesn’t even sound like he’s refusing to see her, just refusing to go out in order for OP’s mom to complain as a form of entertainment.

            1. MOAS*

              He’s not stopping me. I am ok taking her alone, I was just wondering how to approach something like this.

          3. Dan*

            You vote for leaving a big tip, but I do take real objection to having to pay for other people’s sucky behavior. It’s *their* sucky behavior, why do I need to pay? And being a good spouse is a two way street. In a perfect world, spouse A shows up a few times for the sake of family harmony, and at other times, spouse B accepts the fact that family can be a PITA and consequently give spouse A a pass from family activities from time to time.

            A few years back, my ex for a variety of reasons was unexpectedly living in close proximity to several of her family members. I counted; during a three month period, ten out of twelve weekends had some sort of family activity that could be attended. I just couldn’t do it all. I was happy to alternate weekends, but I needed *some* time to myself every other week. But that couldn’t be negotiated, and my spouse thought I was the devil for bailing on family activities. I had to pick and choose which weekends my introverted needs were worth the inevitable fight. Just once it would have been great if my spouse would have said to me, “Honey, I know you work hard all week and need some time to yourself every now and then. Why don’t you do your own thing while I hang out with fam?” But no, it wasn’t to be had.

      2. Traffic_Spiral*

        What’s “wrong” is that this isn’t a problem for him to solve, and his presence makes him miserable without improving anything. Mom just wants to go out and complain. She can do that fine with just her daughter there. Him sitting at the table as well isn’t going to make anything better – he’ll just be miserable and resent his wife for it.

        She should be like “fine, you don’t have to come, but when I get back, you give me a backrub (or whatever) to help me relax from having to deal with her.” That way mom’s happy, she’s happy, he’s happy. Wins all around – except the poor server that has to wait on them.

      3. MOAS*

        There’s nothing wrong with my husband and I dont’ appreciate hte attack on him. He works from hoem so by default ends up taking her to appointments and grocery shopping.

        1. MOAS*

          This i s directed to “Not a manager.” > nothing wrong with my spouse. tha’s such a weird attack on him.

    3. Batgirl*

      I would have the pre-meal conversation and when she disagrees that she would misbehave, say “Great!” Then, if and when she starts up, inform her that this is what you meant, and you’re absolutely going to leave unless she stops. Leaving if she does not stop is the absolutely critical part (remind yourself that this coaching will allow you to genuinely enjoy meals out with her and it will improve your relationship ). I would leave your husband out of the coaching stage, because she’s your parent to manage.
      Another option is to just pick a non-restaurant activity.

    4. Thankful for AAM*

      I feel like I’m channeling my inner Alison here but it sounds like the lunch is just one part of a larger problem and addressing the lunch in isolation may not be enough? I also think I am being tough here bc, like Dan, I have some emotional baggage related to crappy mom behavior. I find Alison’s work advice so helpful with emotional family situations, it takes the (negative) emotion right out of things and brings clarity for me.

      I like Not so New Readers ideas for talking b4 lunch and making it mom and daughter only. But I feel like the wording surrounding the “girls only” part sounds like it is trying to convince mom. I would not try to convince her it will be great without DH, just TELL her it is “girls only.” It is like you are the manager in some letter to AAM but you keep deferring to the most vocal and rude person on your team instead of leading! And if she pushes back and wants DH there, you can just repeat as needed, “I know you want DH to go, this one is girls only.”

      I agree with Dan that mom gets no special deference just bc she is older/is mom and that DH does not have to join in all the time.

      And Not A Manager brings up an interestimg point — I won’t and don’t suffer relatives who are unpleasant to be around, do the reat of you? I do just like I do at work with difficult coworkers. At work I am professionally cordial and don’t volunteer to do extra socializing with difficult coworkers. At home, I go to a few obligatory events and smile and am cordial, but I don’t call or go to non-holiday lunch, or otherwise interact with them if I can avoid it.

      I suspect that the issues with mom extend far beyond unpleasant lunches and they are a “last straw” for DH. You said she has nothing to do all day. I don’t think it is anyone’s responsibility but mom’s to make her day enjoyable (and not by picking on others). But maybe helping mom find other things to do at home so she feels valued by the family or community could help? She may also be resistant to that and that is another problem to me; it sounds like mom is putting all her emotional eggs in one basket – the daughter’s.

      Family stuff is hard but you can set boundaries and don’t have to be the one to make everyone happy!

      1. fposte*

        Yes, agreeing with seeing if Mom can have some other outlets. If I’m remembering correctly, she moved to a new country where she doesn’t speak the language after her husband died? That’s a lot for her too. Is there any cultural community near you where there are people who do speak the language? Nothing’s going to magically make somebody pleasant, but the anxiety that often drives this kind of behavior may be lessened if she has more people.

        1. MOAS*

          No she’s been living here in the US since 1984. She never learned English or driving or anything. We don’t have anyone around. Someone suggested a visiting nurse/companion service so I am looking in to that.

          You do have a good point about more people being around. She does seem to be better off in our home country where there are more people, but we don’t want her living there permanently due to weather and safety conditions.

          1. fposte*

            Ah, okay; sorry about misremembering. Then she doesn’t have the displacement excuse, but it still might be a situation where having a few other people to carry the Mom social load could be helpful.

    5. Koala dreams*

      Could you do an outing without food or with bring your own? Like going for a walk, having a picnic, go to a museum, play mini golf. It sounds like restaurant outings just make everybody unhappy, including your mom, so why not try something else instead?

      1. leapingLemur*

        Or how about ordering take out and using that on a picnic? That way, you can do all the dealing with servers (so they don’t have to deal with your mom), and she still gets out of the house and gets restaurant food.

    6. MOAS*

      Thanks to everyone who had helpful comments.

      A few things:

      -we live with my mother so we see each other every day. we have our own spaces but share a kitchen which we rarely use.
      -my spouse works from home and has a flexible schedule so ends up taking my mom for errands. I do what I can on the weekends.
      -my father died a year ago and my mom was 100% dependent on him. To say that its been extremely difficult to navigate this would be an understatement. Relatives are not in the picture, and my only other sibling lives on the opposite side of teh country so isn’t involved in the day to day stuff.
      -my husbadn knows my mom was difficult and said that he’d try to be the buffer but it’s wearing on him too and not fair for him to be on the receiving end. So I’m trying to pick up the slack.

      I am ok with taking her alone. I’ve given up on her changing for the better and just try to keep calm as best as I can. And pray. And find other ways to relax.

      1. Not So NewReader*

        Don’t do what I did. Don’t wait until you are laying on a gurney in the ER to decide you are taking on too much and something needs to change.
        I understand your mom can’t change now. But that does not automatically mean you have to take up her slack. She still has responsibilities to treat you both decently. If she cannot do that, then bringing in outside help is an appropriate response. Think of it this way, if you are laying on a gurney in the ER WHO is going to take care of her? Now is the time to build a plan to prevent ER trips.

        I see the mom-worship thing. And that rankles me to no end. Some people do not even deserve to be parents, in extreme examples. However, there are many parents out there who leverage their power to do whatever nasty thing or say whatever nasty thing and that is also wrong. Mom-worship is HER culture it does not have to be YOURS.

  90. Elizabeth West*

    Looking forward to Spider-Man: Far From Home next week! I’m seeing it on July 3 and the following day, I’ll see Midsommar. I’ve seen so many horror films that I don’t get scared anymore, but I’ve been hearing that this one is freaky so I’m sure it will be fun. It’s by the same director as Hereditary, which I liked very much.

    I can’t justify eating at Alamo Drafthouse two days in a row, in terms of both money AND calories, so I think I’ll just have lunch with Spider-Man and then nothing for Midsommar. I do have a free popcorn Victory Club reward, but I never do those, because Alamo serves popcorn in massive bowls and there is no way in hell I can possibly eat it all. I wish they’d just give me free chimichangas instead!

    1. Agent J*

      I’m looking forward to the new Spider-Man movie too! I’ll be interested to hear your thoughts after you see it. The previews look pretty good and I’m interested in the post-Endgame storyline.

      1. Elizabeth West*

        I think there will be some boo-hoo moments. :(
        I have no qualms, however; I’m sure it will be very enjoyable. They know what they’re doing by this time, though it remains to be seen what direction we’ll go in now that the Infinity Saga is over.

        1. Nessun*

          Super curious about the direction now too! I’m looking forward to Spider-man; hoping to catch it next weekend when I’m back from my latest travels. I’ll bring tissues, just cause I always do.

  91. Lizabeth*

    Is anyone else thinking that the weather recently is totally whacked? I’m in central VA near the Blue Ridge Mountains and it has been a really, really wet Spring. The creeks have been on the crest of flooding but not quite. Farmers got their first cut of hay in without much problem and the corn is looking like the growth is on schedule (knee high by the 4th). I know other areas haven’t been so lucky with corn it’s been so wet they can’t plant. Came home yesterday on the tale end of a localized storm where we got 2 inches of rain and wind in a half hour plus hail. The front of the house is covered with leaves, debris all over plus more downed trees.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      They have been having a hard time planting here because of all. the. flippin’ rain. Nothing is really growing yet.
      We are thinking it will be a hot, dry summer because we are getting the rain now.
      It does go in cycles, drought then too much rain. We have been dry up here for a few years and now we are pretty soaked. People who engineer storm drain systems and municipal waste plants and water systems watch these things. And can see the wet weather and drought cycles.

    2. OyHiOh*

      “Spring melt off” didn’t really happen here until astronomical summer and people are stupid so there’ve already been about 6 deaths on one of our popular whitewater rafting rivers due to unusual depth and speed of river. River’s actually been closed to all forms of recreational traffic for a couple weeks, with exception of professional rafting services and yet, it’s still happening. We got hit with several late spring/early summer storms that left up to a foot of heavy wet snow in places that are normally pretty dry right now. One of the ski resorts is going to still be open for sking on the 4th. Great for our tourism but absolutely awful for everyone downstream of us getting heavy melt off and flooding when things should be growing.

      1. Lizabeth*

        I saw that out in California that some of the ski resorts will be open until August! And some had gotten fresh powder just a month ago…head hitting keyboard. I didn’t think of the whitewater issues but wow…

    3. I'm a Little Teapot*

      It’s been nuts where I am. Cold, very wet the last 2 months, now it’s dryish and hot out of nowhere. Just rolling with it, because there isn’t much else I can do.

    4. Nita*

      We’ve had a colder summer than usual. It’s nasty and hot as usual again, but the heat usually starts in May. This year we made it almost to July before the temps hit the 90s. So that’s nice.

    5. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      It’s been noticeably off for at least ten years IMHO. This is why I don’t understand people who really don’t think that climate change is happening. We can set the arguments about cause aside but it’s plainly obvious to me that things are changing rapidly and we should be adapting to the reality as best we can.

      It’s been relatively cold and wet in my part of the UK until the last few days. This time last year it was sweltering. My husband in London is dying from the heat but I am still sleeping with an extra blanket! And when I was home in the US in late May we got a huge blizzard. It’s all been out of whack for a while.

    6. Booksalot*

      We no longer have spring or fall here. We’re buried in ice and snow, then drowned in torrential rain, then it becomes health-risk hot at the flip of a switch. Right now we’ve had rain without a break for several months–it’s so bad that my window screens are moldy. The house stinks of wetness, and multiple dehumidifiers can’t keep up.

      All the folksy rules for gardening I learned from my gram (bulbs go in 6 weeks before freeze, tomatoes go out on Memorial Day, etc.) are totally f*cked.

      This has been going on for at least 8-12 years. But climate change isn’t real. *eyeroll*

  92. OyHiOh*

    A friend of mine asked if I want to do something celebratory for my birthday, coming up in a bit more than a week. I’ve barely thought about what I’d want to do, apart from family asking about gifts a few weeks ago. But as soon as he asked, I realized that you know, I really would like to do something fun – just have no idea what! My late husband’s birthday was 12 days after mine and one of our family traditions was to go to a baseball game somewhere between my birthday and his. Baseball is ok, but not something I want to do as a lone adult with three elementary kids in tow.
    Asked him to see what’s going on and suggest something (or a few somethings to choose from). He knows me well enough to have a pretty good idea of what sorts of things I’d think are fun. A Shakespeare comedy is playing in Next City North, which is a strong contender but I’m curious to see what he’ll dig up.

    And to clarify – friend is my mother’s age and not a romantic interest on either end of that equation.

    Chabad was about as bad for me as I expected, although my kids enjoyed going. Just about all things are improved when you get to run around with two dozen new friends. Next two weekends I’m stuck with either not going to a service at all, or going to hometown service with red flag-y person due to activities one of my kids is involved with that make driving an hour plus each way impossible.

    1. Not So NewReader*

      I bet your friend finds something cool to do. Nice to have something fun to look forward to.

      Boy, I would really be tempted to skip service if I was in your position. Can a few women friends get together and say some prayers together or read together instead? Or is that not doable?

      1. OyHiOh*

        Week after next, I’ll probably just go to the local service because the one person I can actually trust to mind the missing stair will be attending. Next weekend is probably going to be a skip/stay home week though.

        But I’m fairly impressed with myself. A couple months ago, I took over running FB for the local congregation. Promptly more than doubled interactions on the page. Then convinced board to let me write the weekly email updates as a nicely formatted two page newsletter. The first one went out this week and has gotten rave reviews. It’s fun to do and keeps me in touch with the locals, without having to deal with the missing stair, is known to not have email, much less a social media presence.

    2. Not A Manager*

      Eh. I think you should go completely On Strike at your local congregation, including social media. Let them stew.

    3. Nana*

      Nope, nope, nope to ‘going on strike!’ It’s wonderful that you’ve managed to find a ‘job’ that really needs doing, and that others in the congregation are appreciating. Might give you a bit more standing in future. Meanwhile, is there no one else who can mind the missing stair in the absence of trusty friend. Would it help if you and the kids entered the service with another friend, just to ‘deflect’ him.
      It’s hard to find new traditions for birthdays and holidays; but you can do it.

      1. OyHiOh*

        Apart from Friend Who Will Be There in two weeks, no, there is not a single person I trust to adequately mind our Missing Stair. Every other person who attends semi regularly (all 10 of them ::eyeroll::) makes excuses for why Missing Stair is a Missing Stair.

        I have a hypothesis about why this congregation has 12 regular attendees, all of whom are over the age of 60 and that is Missing Stair. There are Jewish families with children in our community. They drive to Next City North, either to Chabad like I did this week or to the Conservative but extremely unfriendly congregation there. My suspicion is that as soon as Missing Stair is no longer involved due to death (that liver cancer thing) or disinvitation, attendance is going to spike and average age is going to drop considerably.

  93. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

    Update on the mom and grandma situation (original in the June 1st-2nd open thread):

    Grandma has not fallen again since those 3 falls in 10 days, so that’s the good news. Mom had a doctor from grandma’s regular clinic come over to the house for a house call, and he said she’s healthy but frail and shouldn’t be left alone since she can’t get herself back up again. (She doesn’t qualify for hospice since she’s not dying, and this doctor confirmed that.) He did say she should be on the list for generally getting house calls rather than having to go to the clinic, so that will make doctor logistics simpler going forward. He also thought mom’s house setup (handrails on both sides all the way down the hallways and such) was safe for grandma and didn’t suggest any changes there.

    He also suggested PT and OT for her, and the physical therapist came yesterday. She pointed out that while grandma is on PT Medicare will pay for a bathing/hygiene aide (they won’t if you’re not in PT) so we’re going to get that set up as well. We haven’t heard back from OT yet. It sounds like the PT will be weekly for a while. Mom is not optimistic that grandma will do the exercises, but we’ll see. Mostly, I’m hoping the PT person will be a good connection into the general world of Services We Should Know About and How to Hire Them.

    I printed out the last comment thread full of advice for my mom, and she passed it on to a friend of hers who had time to do some research for her and has apparently made her a binder of stuff to look at. Mom has not had time to look at the binder, but hopefully there will be some good resources in there. (I’ve seen this friend’s binders of resources before because I used to pet-sit for her, so I’m guessing it will be pretty thorough based on the one about what to do about her dog and bird while she was out of town.)

    So things are stable but we still haven’t figured out someone who can keep an eye on grandma so mom and her husband can get away from the house regularly. I am resisting having it be me, because while I have some time in July my life will get very busy again in late August so I don’t want everyone to get used to the idea that I’m the solution to this. I am kind of hoping that they’ll find a nursing student (they’re near a teaching hospital and several nursing programs) who would like to be paid to sit and do their homework at mom’s house one evening a week at least (maybe even one overnight a week) so there’s a predictable break for them to at least go out to dinner, but no specific such person has presented themselves yet. (The only person I know in nursing school right now is in an evening program while she also works days, so that wouldn’t work.)

    1. IntoTheSarchasm*

      Sorry if this was brought up before, but have you considered First Alert type systems? My Dad is 92 and still lives along but we got him a system he can wear on his person, if he has a fall or another crisis, he can push the button, communicate directly through the device and summon help, including an ambulance, if needed. It calls his contacts as well. It has given us some comfort with him being alone and he thinks it is pretty nifty. You may not want to leave her along for long, but at least you could step away for a few hours knowing she could get help should something happen.

      1. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

        My aunt- rural area – got one where if you fall, you have X amount of time to push the button – if not they try to contact you… and if they can’t contact, they call for you. One of her friends couldn’t push the button and died after being alone on the floor too long. Not to scare you, but it made sense to me. Mom has hit her head 2x when she fainted. It’s actually more likely for us than falling and being able to push the button.

        1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

          Hrmm. I wonder if we could get her to wear one like that. If it automatically called mom if she fell and didn’t push the button (or honestly, if there was no button and mom just got an alert when grandma fell regardless so she could head back home to see what happened) that might be helpful. I suspect it would become an issue of getting her to wear it and how sensitive it is to false alarms.

      2. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

        My great aunt (grandma’s sister) had a bad experience with one of those. She fell outside and something blocked the signal to the base unit. (I don’t have a whole lot of details on whether it “should have” worked in that situation or how far outside it was, but the Descended Family Lore of those now is that they aren’t something to be relied on and I think it’d be hard to get people to buy something that didn’t work for someone else. We can’t even get grandma to wear hearing aids because a friend of her had a bad experience with them.)

        In this case, part of the problem is that grandma “doesn’t want to bother people.” She doesn’t want to interrupt people in the middle of things, and would probably figure she could just wait on the floor for someone to get back home. We’ve asked her if she’d call for help if we left a phone with her, and she said no because she “didn’t want to be a bother.” (She used to have a phone line of her own, but her hearing isn’t really good enough to use the phone anymore and it was too stressful to try and get to the phone quickly when it was mostly scam calls, so now she shares the family landline and mom brings a cordless to her when someone calls for her, but mostly she can’t hear them anyway so pretty much everyone except my uncle has switched to mailing her cards for social check-ins and talking to mom for actual questions or to coordinate visits.)

        This “not wanting to bother people” is one of several reasons that everyone’s trying so hard to keep grandma at mom’s house rather than a care facility. She’s unlikely to ever speak up when she needs something, so it would be easy for her to be overlooked in any care facility designed for people who were still competent to make their own decisions at all. (This is not a new behavior in her old age.) Since we all know grandma doesn’t like to be a bother, we check in with her regularly rather than wait for her to ask for things, and keep track of things like whether or not she’s getting enough to eat since she won’t complain about being hungry but will eat three meals a day plus snacks if they’re offered and they’re things she likes. (“I’m just headed to the kitchen to get some coffee and a cookie. Would you like me to get you one too?” and such questions work well.)

        1. Jack Russell Terrier*

          I don’t know if this makes a difference but the now have ones that sense a fall and send a signal without pressing the button. Could you wrap this up in ‘the technology is so much better these days it’s a different world, and they are much more reliable’. If you can get Grandma to wear it, that would help with the ‘I don’t want to be a bother’ – as it will just send the signal.

          About the phone situation. My mum is similar – can’t hear a ruddy thing. But I make regular Skype dates with some family etc and she likes waving and gets a kick out of seeing them. Then she goes back to the paper or something and I have a short chat. It has the benefit too of people who care for her actually seeing mum and having her react to them. Is that something your grandma might enjoy?

  94. Anon von nonononon*

    I’m trying to teach myself programming for work and hobby, and I feel like I’m flaming out after really basic crap, when I remember that I’m almost 30 and there are people my age with 10 years experience on this. And what right do I have competing with them. How do I get my jerkbrain to shut up?

    1. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

      No one is perfect at everything immediately. And 30 – is not old. (I’m over twice that). Took my first pilates class today.

      I do get it – I am struggling to get motivated – I have to learn Adobe Analytics. I was suppose to complete 6 hours of training (and there are online tests you have to pass for segments) by 6/30. I’m having the same issue, but I am going to remind myself that I am resilient. That I have persevered before (I went back to grad school at 35 and did very well, just had to work a little harder). And that I learn new stuff all the time at work.

      Just remember different people have different learning styles. Sometimes I can have things explained one way, and it doesn’t click…. and the next time, with a different person, the light dawns. So I try different ways, different times.

      Also, remember… if you don’t try, you won’t make ANY progress. I think even trying – even if you don’t get it immediately or perfectly – still reminds your brain that it needs to learn, stay elastic, and continue to grow.

    2. KoiFeeder*

      Compare yourself to me, instead! I’ve been told by a teacher that my coding is “worse than infinite monkeys on infinite typewrites, because at least the monkeys might come up with something that works” and similar. So you’re on year one (?) of this instead of year seven for me, and you’re still better. :)

    3. Anon Librarian*

      You’re not competing! You’re contributing! There is MORE THAN enough programming work (paid and/or hobby) to go around. The people with more experience need people to help them. Maybe you could find a mentor with similar interests – someone who could answer your questions in return for help on the projects they’re working on.

      Do you have a community or have you looked for one? Online or in person.

      I started some online programming classes. I really enjoyed it, but it felt very solitary. I like learning things with other people. On the other hand, traditional classes can be too structured. If I take it up again, I want to find an informal group where we can meet to work on projects, ask questions and talk about things. Because no matter how experienced you are, there’s always going to be that one thing that doesn’t work.

    4. Dan*

      You might get into trouble for asking a question that is too close to the school/work boundary, but in the off-chance you don’t…

      The only way (AFAIK) to learn to code is practice practice practice. The language I use most is 20 years old (I learned it in its early days) and I haven’t kept up with many of its changes. My coding is a bit weird in that I code a lot, and I get things done. But I don’t write production quality code that is up to the latest standard.

      I can say that if one were hiring me just to code, they’d be sorely disappointed, and I may very well find myself out on my ass in short order. But my big contributions are actually a rare mix of skill and domain and analytic background. I work in a field that is actually very hard to execute well in, and to do so requires a rare combination of background or years of on the job experience.

      My point to you is that if you are competing with “pure” coders, you may very well be up a creek without a paddle. But if you’re coming into coding from some sort of other job experience, and that experience is translatable into coding in one way shape or form, leverage the two and together and you may do very well for yourself.

    5. Thankful for AAM*

      Re the jerk brain –
      I listened to mine when I was in my 30s and as a result, I did not do things I wish I had bc I was “too old” to make it worth doing.

      But when I was 40 I realized, if I had started at 30, I’d have had 10 years experience by now.

      I’m 56 and just finishing a second masters degree. Never stop!

      Also, 20 and 30 somethings don’t just have multiple jobs in a lifetime, they have multiple careers. So in a short time, many of those coders with 10 years experience will have shifted to a new focus and you will be the rockstar with 10 years experience! Look at Dan’s experience for an example of this; he has expertise in one coding tool but his focus is on something else so he does not keep up with changes (apologies if Dan’s point was different and my i terpretations is off here).

    6. EtherIther*

      You can do it! I just retook a bunch of higher level math classes and am going back for a MS at 30, and I had the same fears too. But I did it, and so can you!

  95. Lost Podcast Episodes*

    I am trying to find some podcast episodes I’ve listened to recently and can’t find again. Fairly sure I will have listened on Spotify.

    -one was about time and the creation of time zones. It started out talking about time being the same all over the world when you’re 30k feet up in an airplane then talked about the creation of time zones and how the railroad helped put them into place. I thought it was the Cut on Tuesday but can’t find it.

    -the other was about blind auditions and how Everyone Says they were behind the increasing proportions of women in orchestras but that actually it wasn’t that simple (and I don’t think it was just about the heels). I thought it was More Or Less from the BBC but can’t find it on there!

    Help? I can’t promise a reward but can promise my gratitude for at least seven days hehe ;)

    1. Notthemomma*

      The time zone episode was either Planet Money or Stuff You Should Know. I just listened to it recently. No idea on the other.

      1. Lost Podcast Episodes*

        Planet money! Thank you! I’d completely forgotten I listened to a few of those recently :)

    3. Hibiscus*

      It might have been a BBC podcast called “50 things that made the modern economy.”

  96. Dan*

    All, I have a question about strong cultural traditions, whatever they may be.

    Up-post, there’s a discussion about wedding etiquette regarding gifts, and some have posted that asking for cash gifts in one culture is completely taboo, whereas in others is totally normal.

    Let’s uplevel this a bit: What are *strong* cultural things/traditions that you are aware of that are hard to break (either for you or for someone else)? For me, it involves flushing toilet paper. I travel a lot in Asia, and if the English translation is accurate, the indication on posted signs in the bathroom area is that they want you to put used toilet paper (you know, the stuff you wiped poo off your ass with) in a waste basket, and *not* flush it down the toilet (due to plumbing reasons). I don’t know about all y’all, but I just can’t put stinky toilet paper into something other than a flushable toilet.

    So, you go: What cultural things (about you or others) are so strong that make you go WTF about something else?

    1. Parenthetically*

      My husband comes from a culture where saying “bless you” or similar after a sneeze is a) not done and b) seen as a stupid, superstitious remnant of a stupid, superstitious society. I come from a culture where it’s absolutely instinctive to say “bless you” after a sneeze, even to a stranger, and considered pretty freaking rude not to say anything. It’s… interesting. I never realized people felt so strongly about it (on either side!) until I met him.

      1. HannahS*

        That’s so interesting! When I was in university, in Canada, they’d pack about 500 students into a tennis court to write an exam, especially for the big first-year science courses. We’d be given graphic threats about what would happen to us if we even gave the appearance of sharing answers with anyone–your exam will be torn in half, so absolutely no speaking whatsoever. And then, inevitably, someone would sneeze and 500 teenagers would instinctively murmur “bless you” without raising their eyes from their page.

      2. Thankful for AAM*

        Parenthetically,
        My grandmother from Boston taught us the same, saying bless you is a sign you are uneducated and superstitious. I will often be the only one in a group who does not say it and I feel like an oddball.

    2. Toaster Strudel heiress*

      I hope you’re not actually ignoring the signs as you will be messing up the plumbing. I found that hard too, but you really need to follow it!

    3. KatieKate*

      Ashkenazi Jew here–I can’t go to baby showers, even ones for goyim. That superstition is firmly engrained in me.

    5. matcha123*

      I am expected to pee in a cup during my yearly health check for work. I can’t pee in a cup. Maybe if I was a guy it’d be easier. Scooping it out of the toilet is a no-go. Basically peeing into something is not happening. At the same time, I can easily pee outside behind a bush if needed. Just not into objects that as not meant for bodily fluids.

    6. Rebecca*

      People who don’t eat pork, sauerkraut, and mashed potatoes on New Year’s Day. It’s so ingrained in me I buy cans of Silver Floss sauerkraut at least a month ahead of time, because around here, it’s not unusual for the shelves to be empty of sauerkraut close to New Year’s. I have started the New Year that was as long as I can remember.

      1. Thankful for AAM*

        What do you mean? Who eats pork, sauerkraut, and mashed potatoes on kew years day? Now I need to know more!!

        I know about hoppin’ John for new years day, but not sauerkraut.

        1. Rebecca*

          It’s popular here in Pennsylvania, it represents good luck for the new year. I sometimes throw in some hot dogs too :)

        2. Clisby*

          I think it’s pretty much the same thing. (I grew up with hoppin’ John and collards also.)

    7. Thankful for AAM*

      When my Asian husband and I met in grad school we attended many social events (potluck, Chinese movie, dancing, etc) supported by the Overseas Chinese student Association. These were events that all Chinese students attended, even those with children and babies and even though the events lasted till midnight or later.

      I had a hard time getting over my ingrained cultural belief that children go to bed at 7pm or so with a later bedtime as you age. I asked many students about it, probably rudely as I was so surprised. But after our son was born I quickly adopted the practice even though we had moved away from uni by then and no one else let their kids “stay up late.”

      It was great bc he just went to bed when we did which meant no interrupting what we were doing to put him to bed, he got to spend lots of evening time with dad after work, and he slept till 9am most mornings which gave me, the SAHM, time alone that I valued so much. But I always felt like I was breaking a big, taboo cultural law or something!

      Side note: my mainland chinese friend in the group said that the association was funded by the communist party and was a form of spying or managing overseas students so they were all required to go (it was the 90s). So I don’t know if this was an adaptation to a difficult situation or a cultural practice.

      1. Clisby*

        I didn’t realize that getting little kids to bed by 7 a.m was unusual. (65-year-old Southerner, definitely not Asian, here.) When I was in elementary school, 8 p.m. was about the latest my parents would let me be up.

    8. Inefficient Cat Herder*

      Shoes/feet

      It feels really awful to see someone step over another person/touch them with their feet/walk in certain spaces with shoes on……

      1. Luisa*

        Ohhh yeah. I was introduced to this in Peace Corps, and it’s also the norm in the cultural group most of my students are from, but I’m still not used to it.

    10. Glomarization, Esq.*

      Riding the bus in City A: You pull the cord for your stop immediately after the doors close for the previous stop (or you pass the sign for a stop that nobody requested). Then you immediately get your butt up and make your way to the door so that you exit ASAP after the bus arrives at the stop.

      In City B: Pull the cord with a reasonable amount of lead time for the driver to know you’re requesting the stop. Do not rise from your seat until the bus has ceased moving. Gather your things and make your way calmly to the door.

      After 15+ years in City A, in City B I’ve been able to restrain myself on pulling the cord (I think it comes across as impatient here), but I cannot get out of the habit of getting up and waiting at the door with a death grip on the upright seat supports.

      1. Ranon*

        I live in a city B after doing my formative bus riding in a city A and I cannot get over how long the bus stops at each stop because it takes so long for people to get off the bus! My city B has a much lower volume of ridership than my city A did, too, so the part where the city B stop turnaround is consistently longer for way fewer people drives me bananas.

    11. Asian resident*

      Actually, anytime you see signs telling you to put your toilet paper in the trash, you should also see a bucket of water with a dipper or a shower-type nozzle to spray water. The idea is that you use the water to clean yourself off, and then use the toilet paper to dry yourself. So it shouldn’t be stinky when you throw it in the trash. Hope this helps make it less gross.

    12. TL -*

      Oh, I always apologize for my flat being messy if someone comes by unexpectedly (or if it was planned and it is messy).

      I could have had 6 housekeepers who had just left after a marathon clean and the first words out of my mouth would be, “oh I’m sorry the place is such a mess!” It definitely can get some odd receptions.

      That and holding doors open for strangers. Kiwis generally don’t and it took me a long time to stop reflexively muttering “jerk” under my breath. It’s not rude here at all but it’s so, so rude in Texas!

  97. Tris Prior*

    Is anyone else weirdly resistant to updating the OS on their computer or phone? I am embarrassed to say how many iOS updates I’ve skipped on my phone (enough that most stuff stopped working, let’s say). I’m always afraid that something will go wrong and I’ll need a new mac/phone that I can’t afford – to be fair, this has happened to people I know, and happened just last week to someone’s computer at work.

    This time I’d waited so long that I couldn’t do it wirelessly and it told me I had to plug in and do it via iTunes – which I don’t even have, but fortunately my partner does on his mac. I ran the update, got an error saying “iOS could not be updated because an unknown error occurred.” Freaked out. Tried restarting my phone to see if the old OS was still working….. and the update did in fact go through and all is well?!?

    At any rate, I’ve been stressed out about this for literally years (it has been that long since I ran an update) and I am just so relieved that I did it and all is OK. I can do online banking on my phone again! I can download the AirBNB app which I need for an upcoming trip! My predictive text works again, as do my notifications, which have been borked for some time!

    I’m normally really good with tech at my job and not a luddite at all but when it comes to my own expensive devices, I panic. Is it just me? I feel kind of silly now.

    1. Not A Manager*

      It’s not just you. I’ve seen SO many people update their OS and then have to troubleshoot bugs for weeks afterward, that it’s made me very resistant to doing it. I don’t wait QUITE as long as you did, but I definitely hit “remind me tomorrow” an awful lot.

    2. KoiFeeder*

      I haven’t updated my OS “on time” in four years and I won’t start until I stop doing what I majored in college for. I didn’t quite hit literal years due to program requirements, but…

    3. Gatomon*

      I have learned to hold off on major updates after getting burned a few times. I have been snoozing the Windows 10 update to 1803 for… weeks? A month? I don’t even know. Minor security updates I don’t think are a big deal, but I do consider where I am at before I consent to them. If I’m going to walk out the door and my phone wants to update, it’ll have to wait until evening. I think a lot of tech companies have cut staff or outsourced their QA departments and consumers are paying the price.

      I wouldn’t necessarily go years without updates, but maybe you can adopt a “policy” for yourself? For the network equipment at my job where uptime is a priority, we typically do update once per year to the latest recommended release, and apply updates as needed if we encounter a bug or a severe vulnerability warrants it. Maybe 2x per year you update your devices after doing backups and ensuring you’ve got time to deal with any issues that might come up?

      1. Tris Prior*

        Yeah, one reason why I kept putting it off is because there was never a good time to be without my phone/go to an appointment at the Apple store to get it fixed/buy a new phone if it’s truly bricked. I sell at craft fairs and I NEED my phone to be able to take credit cards as no one carries cash any more. Or I didn’t want to be without a phone while traveling. Or I knew I didn’t have time to go to the genius bar for a few weeks. Etc.

        That, and, my phone’s 4 years old and everyone I’ve told that to is like “holy shit, you have WHAT model, and it’s STILL working?” Yes it is, just fine, but that makes me worry that it’s going to die any day and I’m going to have to cough up for a new one! Hm, I probably should start saving up for a replacement just in case.

        1. Gatomon*

          Hmm yes, 4 years is a good lifetime for a handheld device! They are so much more expensive these days that I would definitely start budgeting for replacement since it is critical to your sales.

    4. Dan*

      We have to define weird. On my personal devices, I postpone updates for as long as a I feel like, under the assumption that if there are problems, it would be nice if other people experience them first. Most of the time, my current OS functions just fine so I do not feel compelled to upgrade.

      Workwise: Our IT department keeps getting pissed off with people who won’t do their updates, so they experiment with different policies on automatic updates. A couple of years ago, IT pushed out something that knocked every Windows box off off the network. I don’t recall losing anything, but I recall several hundred people standing out in the hallway for an hour looking at everybody funny until we realized a fix was not imminent, so most gave up and went home.

      A few months ago, I had another automatic update push and knock my computer off the network. Apparently that push really screwed stuff up, so IT had to reimage my machine. That was a pain in the ass, because even though there are automatic backups, the backups don’t backup everything. I lost a few things, which really pissed me off.

      I’ve got a personal policy that if I’m working on deadline (that only happens a few times a year) I push off every possible update until they start notifying midlevel VP’s. (That’s our policy… if you don’t keep up with your IT patches, people responsible for your raises and promotions are notified.) At that point, I’m willing to tell them eye-to-eye to suck it because I’m not willing to take the chance.

      TL;DR: It’s really hard for me to say that anybody “weirdly” postpones updates. Bricking machines is a thing, and it’s not a once-in-a-million thing. Maybe pushing off updates for a year gets close to that line. But… I’ll fess up and admit that when I started my current job, I pushed off everything for ten months (just to see how long it would take and what people would do if they weren’t happy) before things got “real” with management.

    5. Nita*

      Yeah, I’ve refused to update the OS on my phone for, I don’t know, over a year now? I’m still traumatized by that time when I updated my computer OS and everything. slowed. to. a. crawl. I never did get that computer working right again. For what it’s worth, my husband (who also put off updating his phone OS) finally tried to do it a couple of months in, and it just jammed up on him, and then he had to cancel it because the update wouldn’t download. So I guess I didn’t miss anything.

    6. Utoh!*

      Yeah, I work in IT so I have a love/hate relationship with updates to any device at work and home. The key updates are those that provide additional security and or fix a problem, but there is always the chance more problems may occur because not everyone has the same applications, configurations, etc. even though the platform may be the same. Of course I may be a bit more confident when upgrading because I *usually* know how to fix the problem, but yes, it can be very inconvenient. My husband relies on me to take care of his devices but I do let him know that he can’t get mad at me if something goes off the rails unexpectedly and he can’t hover when I’m trying to fix something. :)

    7. ArtK*

      I’ve been working with computers for the last 40 years and I always wait. Particularly with the OS on my phone and tablet. Too easy to brick them and the new releases often have serious bugs — I’m looking at you, Apple!

    8. Rebecca*

      I’m firmly in the camp of when the update comes out, putting it off for a bit to see what happens to other people.

    9. EvilQueenRegina*

      I could have written that! I put it off for ages, then tried downloading an update and it kept telling me there was an error so I just abandoned it. There is a store near me that can look at it so I might take it in at some point when I can find a good time.

    10. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      I sometimes wait a little while to see what issues might emerge but I don’t wait for ages. My father had so many problems with his old computer because he refused to run any updates at all. I would sneak in security updates whether I was home in an attempt to stop the virus problems.

      My phone I usually update whenever one is available, but I have a custom android rom so it’s kind of experimental anyway.

  98. red-wheelbarrow*

    i just had to leave a weekend trip a day early because of terrible social anxiety, and i feel awful. i’ve been struggling to be social with my boyfriend’s friend’s friends, but hyper self-consciousness and anxiety got the best of me. my boyfriend was super understanding — he drove me to the train station and bought me a ticket home, but i just feel really pathetic/ashamed/sad right now, and guilty because the trip was partly to celebrate my boyfriend’s birthday. i wanted to have a good time and get away for the weekend, but couldn’t get out of my own head.

    just seeking words of comfort or stories from people who can relate. hoping everyone else is having a better weekend than me!

    1. They Don’t Make Sunday*

      That sounds hard! Good for you for knowing what you needed and speaking up. It sounds like you felt safe doing that with your boyfriend, and (to an internet stranger, anyway) that seems like a good thing.

      1. red-wheelbarrow*

        thank you, this is a very kind comment! my friend has told me that taking care of your own needs is the most caring and considerate thing you can do, and i’m trying to remember that!

    2. Gatomon*

      I just left a party with some acquaintances. It was a perfectly fine party, but I am not good socially either, so I feel you hard right now.

      It sounds like your boyfriend is pretty understanding since he drove you to the station and bought you the ride home, so I wouldn’t worry too much about that. You came out and tried it for him, and that’s all that counts I think. If anyone asks why you left, you can just tell them you weren’t feeling very well, which is perfectly normal and accurate.

      1. red-wheelbarrow*

        that’s a really good way to look at it – glad we both came out and tried today.

    3. Toaster Strudel heiress*

      Is it possible your boyfriend cares more about you than his birthday? It’s just a birthday and there will be others. Whereas there’s only one of you. Be gentle with yourself ok?

      1. red-wheelbarrow*

        thank you, this is very kind. i always forget to be gentle to myself when i need to be, so the reminder is helpful.

      2. Dan*

        Along those lines… I don’t fully understand the preoccupation that adults have with birthdays. I can tell you straight up that it would be hard to “ruin” a birthday for me, because on the off chance I actually do something “special”, it’s an excuse to get people together and have some fun, and not to make myself the center of attention. If somebody had to peace out for one reason or another, so be it. The fun will go on.

        Boyfriend gets props for understanding OP’s social stresses and rolling with it.

    4. I'm a Little Teapot*

      You went, and while you had to leave early, you were still there for part of it. That’s an accomplishment. And spending time with people you don’t really know, in strange places – that’s rough for a lot of people. Me included.

      1. red-wheelbarrow*

        it helps to know i’m not alone! the bf is veryyy outgoing and just has like incredible social ease at parties. sometimes i just have to remember that it’s ok that i’m not like that and that there’s nothing wrong with me!

        1. I'm a Little Teapot*

          Nothing wrong with not being an extreme extrovert. Sounds like you’re struggling with the other end of the spectrum, but you don’t have to be like your bf. Just work on getting more comfortable, and if you’re on the introverted side, no worries.

    5. Not A Manager*

      I want to add that I think it’s a really good sign that neither you nor your boyfriend thought that he needed to leave the party because you were leaving it. One would think that would go without saying, but I’ve seen a lot of couples where it’s not allowed for one person to say “this isn’t working for me/I prefer not to do that/I’m not interested” and the other one to say, “okay then, see you later!” It can lead to a lot of guilt and resentment.

      I think it’s great that you advocated for what you needed, your boyfriend didn’t try to persuade you otherwise, and he was able to stay and enjoy the rest of the event.

      1. Dan*

        That’s a good point and something I’ve seen quite a bit but never really “noticed”. Speaking of which, why do so many couples feel the need to be attached at the hip? It’s ok (if not healthy) for some people to do separate things from time to time. When I was married, if my ex wanted to do something with family, she would give me hell for not wanting to join. The thing is, she didn’t work and I did. And I’m an introvert. So on weekends, I find a lot of value in doing absolutely nothing for one afternoon. She OTOH wasn’t working and needed a social outlet. Got it. But we really couldn’t find an argument-free middle ground that allowed me some down time on the weekends. I’m not saying I never wanted to hang out with her family, but *every* family thing was an argument. There was no “you get a pass this weekend if you go next weekend”. I could have lived with that, but no, every get together was an argument.

        Along those lines… in recent years, my family has established a Thanksgiving tradition at my brother and his wife’s house. Various extensions of the family tree show up in various years, but the core of the group is direct blood relatives (e.g., parents). My SIL’s parents drive in a from a small town several hours away, but my mom and dad live just ten minutes down the road. My mom usually tires out pretty early, but my dad could enjoy the change of scenery for several more hours. However, when mom declares it’s time to go, dad goes too. There’s no taking a separate Uber. I’ve never quite gotten it. I mean, dad will be in the middle of a conversation, and mom will declare it’s time to go, and that’s that.

        1. Not A Manager*

          My husband and I share a lot of interests, but not all of them. We also sometimes love our own relatives differently than we love the other one’s relatives.

          Recently I spent a week with my relative who’d just had a baby. BABYBABYBABY!! My husband took his motorcycle up the coast and had a great time. I can’t imagine that either of us would have benefitted from dragging the other one along.

          We’ve also split up for me to spend high holidays at my old shul (husband isn’t Jewish), for him to go kayaking, and for various museum experiences. The relationship hasn’t imploded yet.

      2. red-wheelbarrow*

        he did want to leave with me, but he had already planned on staying there longer than me to visit family in the area (the original plan being that i’d leave the next day by myself on the amtrak to go back home), so he couldn’t.

        but i definitely agree with you that this was the right move. i’m really glad he stayed! he’s an extremely outgoing social butterfly and i am…not, and we’re a fairly new relationship, so it’s been kind of a journey trying to navigate social situations like this: making sure everyone is comfortable and happy without creating resentment. thanks for your response!

    6. Washi*

      You went on a weekend trip with a bunch of people you probably didn’t know super well, and only left a day early! I genuinely think that’s a win.

      Also, one of the deals I make for myself when I’m on the fence about social plans is that I’ll make myself go, but I won’t give myself a hard time if I leave early. (Because the more down I get about leaving early, the higher-pressure the next thing feels. It creates a false choice of either staying for the whole time or not going at all.)

      And like Not A Manager said, it’s a great sign that your boyfriend supported you leaving, but didn’t feel obligated leave with you. So truly, way to go you!

      1. red-wheelbarrow*

        trying to reframe this in my mind as a win rather than a sad failure on my part! it felt high pressure because we were on like a weekend getaway, with lots of people, and leaving meant someone had to drive me 40 min away for a 4-hour amtrak ride home! but i think it was right move in the end. thanks for your kind response, i’m going to try to feel less down about it all.

    7. Not So NewReader*

      I dunno. This sounds like it was more than a few people most of whom you did not know. Not my idea of fun, I’d think of this as work. I’d need quiet time, not a weekend of this.
      When I first met my husband, I insisted on small groups, meaning at most three people. It was just easier for me to absorb the situation and get to know the people.

      After a bit I quit beating myself up over this and I realized this is how I take in people. Call it introversion or whatever, this is me. I’d like to encourage you to find a path that does work for you. It’s really easy to get down in the dumps over this, so try to think in terms of what you can do. Perhaps you can do something with his best friend and their SO. Take your time thinking about this and see what you can come up with.

  99. OG Karyn*

    Fun miscellaneous stuff from this week:

    For those following the saga of my breakup, things have gotten slightly easier. He and I have been able to hang out as friends with very little weirdness, once a week. Most of my stuff is out of his apartment, but what’s really funny is that I may be moving out of my parents’ house sooner rather than later. My mom is one of my clients, and she may be getting a significant raise from one of her of-counsel relationships – at which point she’s offered to pay me $3000 a month flat for any work I do on that client’s projects, in addition to what I’d make on her firm’s work. The $3000 alone would cover all my bills (credit card, car payment, rent, utilities, taxes) and the other approximately $2000 a month from her work and other clients would be spent on savings, retirement, and travel. So keep your fingers crossed that her negotiations go well.

    I’m also planning to visit NYC in October, during the same time that my best friend from CA and her husband are going to be there. I hardly ever get to see her, and I live about 7 hours away by car so I’ve decided to get an AirBNB in Jersey and have a little mini-vacation all to myself. NYC is one of my favorite cities, and as it happens, a really hot friend of mine with whom I’ve had an on-again off-again flirtation in the past happens to live there. Soooo there’s that to look forward to.

    Here’s a fun story: I was flirting with the owner of a local t-shirt company on Instagram for the last two weeks (nothing serious, he’s just super hot and I thought funny). Until he asked me for, uh, some intimate photos in return for an unsolicited photo of his abs. I told him absolutely not. He gave me an ultimatum: send pics or he stops talking to me. I laughed, sent the shrugging emoji, and said, “Welp, bye then!” It felt very good to be able to tell a guy like that to go to hell, particularly because I’m sure he thinks he’s irresistible.

    How’s everyone else holding up?

    1. Marmaduke*

      It’s been a long, rough month for me and my family, but your story about telling that guy to get lost lightened my day quite a bit! Thank you for sharing.

      1. OG Karyn*

        I’m glad I could amuse. :) I’m sorry your family’s had a rough one – June seems to have sucked for a LOT of people. Here’s to July?

    2. Anon Librarian*

      Yikes. Don’t you love that? When you flirt with a guy and he does something creepy?

      I lost one of my closest friends over the past two weeks. He did some horrible things and had no remorse and no interest in sorting things out. It was really sad. He used to be so nice. I’m still hoping that there’s some kind of explanation and that things will get better again. Like he had a medication change or was drinking too much – some issue behind it all that could be fixed. It took me to a dark, horrified place for a while, but now I feel more at peace and focused on other things. There were always some issues there, so parting ways was really for the best.

      I ended up spending some time reading religious texts and thinking about which religion would be the best fit for me. I like being part of a religious community. They all have problems, but it’s nice to worship and study and volunteer with others who are on the same path. I grew up in a popular denomination of Christianity, but I don’t think Christianity is really for me, so I keep exploring and keeping an open mind. I’m at a cross roads where I appreciate things about most religions but don’t have a home, a place to participate. I need to get up the courage to go talk to people in person instead of just reading things on the internet. Religious services are often pretty family-oriented. I wonder what people would think of me showing up on my own, and just being there to learn.

      1. OG Karyn*

        I’m so sorry about your friendship. I’ve walked that road and it’s a pretty difficult but necessary journey. I hope you find the peace you need.

        Also, for what it’s worth, I went through a similar faith journey about 10 years ago, and Judaism ended up choosing me. And you can totally just show up to services! Lots of people do. You’d be surprised how many people who aren’t Jewish come to services at my temple. The way I always figured it, it’s not my business why someone is at a religious service – just like it’s not their business why I’m there. :)

  100. Free Meerkats*

    I posted last week about my struggles with Half Persian 4 in 1 chain maille and that I was meeting someone for help. It took about 30-40 minutes to get it, but I’ve got it! Here’s 3 1/2 feet of it in 16 SWG X 3/8 anodized aluminum and rubber rings. The silver part is the starter strand that came with the kit. I’m starting to enjoy this weave.

    https://photos.app.goo.gl/PBBQC8mQc46q3tiy9

    In other news, my new recliner was delivered today. It’s so firm!

      1. Free Meerkats*

        Finished the piece I took a photo of, it’s now about 6 1/2 feet long. I’ll clean up the closures so there aren’t any edges to feel, then continue with the kit.

        The recliner is a Thomasville I ordered from Costco. Same price as in store and I didn’t have to rent a truck or trailer to get the giant box home.

        1. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

          Congrats on the recliner! That’s the one furniture piece I got rid of (the DH’s was HUGE and not attractive), that I “sometimes” miss. LOL. Good to know about the delivery, too!

  101. Paralegal Part Deux*

    I just got back from a vacation to Pigeon Forge/Gatlinburg, and I have to say it was absolutely gorgeous. I went with a friend for a girl’s weekend, and we spent all of last Sunday at Dollywood (my new favorite place). The Smokey Mountains are so pretty and relaxing. In saying all that, any hints on how to get over the blahs of returning to reality after a vacation?

    1. AvonLady Barksdale*

      I did the same trip a few weeks ago! It was marvelous. I have no tips, though, because I went home and moved to another state a few days later, so I’m only just getting back to reality.

      1. Paralegal Part Deux*

        Is it not gorgeous up there? I could happily live up there (except for the traffic in Pigeon Forge, lol).

  102. Gitty*

    My baby is breeched and I have a turn scheduled for this Tuesday so I have until then for the baby to turn on its own. It’s Frank breech and didn’t drop yet. I am so so worried- what if the baby doesn’t turn before Tuesday? How will the version go? If it’s successful, will it stay successful? If not can I deliver breech vaginally? I really really don’t want to have a c section. Any advice, personal experience or input are welcome and appreciated :-)

    1. valentine*

      Special Women (Perez/Snedeker) discusses breech as natural/not having to be a big deal, that babies dance their way out. Maybe you can schedule a doula consult call? If a doula or midwife could advocate for you, that might be the best way to give breech a chance or to accept a cesarean.

    2. Vic tower*

      Obgyn here.

      A few things – the process for turning baby is often quite uncomfortable but it works in about 50% of cases so definitely worth having a go. Ask the doctor how many times they’ve turned babies before and try to get the most experienced person available. If it does turn, the chance of going back to breech is low – less than 5%. They will usually do a scan that looks for any issues that might make the turning procedure or vaginal delivery more risky first.

      If baby doesn’t turn, attempting a vaginal breech delivery is more risky to baby than a head first delivery. Basically, the head is the biggest part of the baby so there is a small chance of it getting stuck (Very rare but very dangerous if it happens – babies can die from this if the head is stuck long enough). You would want an experienced doctor for the delivery and the labour to progress well as if there is slow progress with the body, it may be the head is even bigger and more likely to get stuck.

      Talk through the pros and cons with your care provider and talk through the risks of cs too as you’ll want to know all about it even if you decide it’s not right for you. Don’t be afraid to ask questions and bring someone with you to help support you and discuss everything.

      Remember that you don’t have to decide right now, you can take time to process things then decide.

      Good luck, I hope you have a lovely healthy baby and stay well yourself.

    3. Tomato Anonymato*

      You can try rebozo, just look up “rebozo for turning breech baby” Good luck!

    4. German Girl*

      A friend delivered her breech baby vaginally last year and it went fine, but it was her second baby so she wasn’t as tight as a first time mom might be. We have a hospital in town that does breech deliveries routinely.

      Whether baby turns or not, use the opportunity to ask all your questions about c section. I really really didn’t want one either but was a lot more relaxed about the possibility after talking to the doc at the pre delivery appointment.

      In the end I delivered vaginally (but my baby was head first) just like I had planned and I didn’t even use any painkillers.

      1. Clisby*

        But even if it’s a 1+ baby, if it stubbornly stays in the frank breech position, as opposed to a footling breach, I don’t think it can be delivered vaginally. (Midwives/doctors please chime in if I’m wrong.)

        1. Agnodike*

          You are wrong. Footling breech is a contraindication to planned vaginal breech birth; either frank or complete breech is what you want to see (among other criteria).

  103. Sami*

    Suggestions for sources of free or low-cost Kindle books for a 14 year old? I look at Pixel of Ink everyday, but they don’t feature middle grades/YA/high school books. My niece just got a Kindle from her Grandma and is on the hunt for books. Thanks!

    1. CatCat*

      Try the library. I can check out tons of Kindle books for free from my library’s digital collection.

      1. Lilysparrow*

        And some me libraries have multiple systems. Ours does Libby and Hoopla. Hoopla is also for TV & movies, so it has a monthly limit. Libby has a limit on how many you can check out at the same time, but no monthly cap.

    2. The Cosmic Avenger*

      Seconded. Our library system allows 6 ebooks checked out and 6 more on hold if there’s a waiting list, which there is for a lot of books. But I’ve also just filtered by “available to check out now”, and found some books by authors that I really like.

    3. Thankful for AAM*

      Our library allows 16 overdrive/Libby checkouts which work with kindles. You need to know the Amazon account that is linked to the kindle.

    4. ArtK*

      Not quite free, but my wife and I share an Amazon Prime account that includes Kindle Unlimited. We get tons of “free” books. AP is nice because you can share it with family.

      1. Steggy Saurus*

        It’s free for a month, so it might be worth a trial at least. But the local public library’s OverDrive for ebooks is definitely worth looking into.

    5. Anono-me*

      Bookbub has free and low priced book recommendations. (Inly the personalized service requires registration, use of the site dosen’t.

      Please be aware that some of the books recomeded feature very adult content.

      Baen Books is a scifi publishing house with free ebook section.

    6. Jack Russell Terrier*

      This amazing site emails you every day a list of free Kindle books you can buy from Amazon for $0. They have different subjects you can check off and I just checked they cater to your niche! I get so many mysteries free!
      https://www.thefussylibrarian.com/subscribe-to-our-free-ebooks-newsletter/
      *warning – always double check it’s still $0 as every now and again it isn’t!

      Yes the Library is super fab – my public library subscribes to Overdrive and I check ebooks and audio books from there all the time.

  104. Princess Deviant*

    Does anyone have any hacks on getting rid of period pains, other than painkillers? I mean, I’m taking painkillers but it’s not like they’re even touching the sides.
    They’re bad this month.

    1. Eva*

      Things that help me (YMMV):

      – heat (heating pads, hot water bottle, hot bath)
      – exercise (swimming, yoga, walking)
      – orgasm

    2. Traffic_Spiral*

      Eat lots of iron. Steak, spinach, gingerbread and other molasses desserts. Also chocolate and exercise.

    3. Thankful for AAM*

      I had PCOS and had very heavy periods when I had them. I used to do pelvic tilt exercises. They helped a lot.

    4. Koala dreams*

      OTC painkillers don’t work for me, I get painkillers prescribed by my doctor.

      Other things that help:
      Heat, for example a wheat pillow that you heat up in the microwave
      Drinking a hot drink with brown sugar (often found in asian stores), maybe together with ginger or herbal tea.

    5. Jaid*

      Heat, heat, heat. I love ThermaCare patches because they last hours without needing to be put back in the microwave to heat up (they have metal ish in them, please don’t consider nuking them!) and flat enough that one can toss and turn without worrying about the lump. Put one on your lower belly and one on the lower back.

      But if that’s not enough, Sunbeam makes a vibrating heating pad. That was lovely. Inserted between me and a pillow I clutched, my belly was warm and the vibrations was helpful.

      The others have good suggestions, too. I will add, maybe a glass of wine? It’s not my go-to, but you’re trying to relax…

      I wish you well.

    6. Elf*

      If you have a penis-having partner or an insertible toy, penetrative sex works wonders (It’s like an internal massage)!

      Heating pads, or hot baths (a hot tub is even better)

    7. Princess Deviant*

      Thanks so much for your lovely suggestions :) I’ll give them a go.

      We’re in a heatwave atm so a hot water bottle etc is not very comfortable but I can try a warm bath tonight before bed.

    8. Nicki Name*

      Another heat option: A small flannel blanket scrunched up against my midsection, under the covers, works great as an improvised heating pad. A cat on your lap can be great too (in fact, I’m enjoying some feline heat therapy right now).

      Seconding exercise too, especially walking.

    9. StudentA*

      Regular painkillers don’t do much for me, but I was surprised at how much Midol made a difference. Other than that, peppermint tea.

    10. Grandma Mazur*

      Not sure what you’re taking – I had a prescription for Mefenamic acid (an NSAID) and one for codeine, and also took paracetamol (Tylenol in the US?) – that combination has usually been enough to take the edge off. Nothing else has really made a difference for me.

    11. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      If they’re usually really bad, you might try switching menstrual products and see if it makes any difference. For me, I had a lot less pain using a menstrual cup than I did using pads, but it would not surprise me at all to learn that someone else had exactly the opposite experience because Bodies Are Weird. (It’s also possible that my pain levels just changed on their own for no reason in my mid 20s at about the same time I switched, I suppose, but it seems like it still hurts more if I’m caught away from my cup for some reason and have to use pads for a few days that month.)

      Exercise also helps a lot for me.

    12. Mrs. Carmen Sandiego JD*

      Things that help me:
      -Icepack on the tummy
      -Eating great-quality dark chocolate
      -Red meat (steak, burger/ground beef)
      -ThinkThin brownie protein bars

    13. Ethyl*

      Heat, as others have said. If you live somewhere it’s legal, weed is an option. It helps me tremendously, and nowadays there are lots of ways to take tiny doses so you get the benefit without getting loopy.

      You could also try a high dose of Vitamin D (like double or triple what it says on the bottle). It doesn’t do much for me but I’ve had friends who have had some success.

    14. Princess Deviant*

      Thanks again for the advice. I took naproxen and paracetamol, and had a warm bath with lavender oil, and I feel slightly better.

      I think the thing with exercise is I know it helps but I have a hip-knee injury which is really limiting me and not helping with the pain. At. All. But I’m getting that checked out so hopefully it won’t be like this for long, and I’ll feel better about everything once it’s sorted.

      Re the vitamin D – that’s interesting. It reminds me that I heard that taking magnesium can help with PMS so I wonder if there’s any truth to it? I don’t think it’ll do any harm to take some vitamin D and see how I feel.

      Anyway, thanks all, I’m off to bed now.

    15. MissDisplaced*

      I used to find heating pads helped a lot. I would’ve sat in a hot tub but ick, unfortunately you can’t.
      Massage, for me my back hurt, helped everything.
      And if OTC things like Advil don’t help, I used to take a prescription muscle relaxer.

      I can’t remember ever needing more than those.

    17. LazyLi*

      I’ve been surprised to realize how much of my period pain is actually digestive. If I eat a lot of fiber – like, steel cut oats for breakfast with dried fruit, that sort of stuff – during my period then everything, uh, moves more smoothly and I have a lot less pain to go with it. Something about the built up pressure pushing on the sore muscles in there, I think.

  105. Marion Q*

    I bought glasses! Asked around and got a store recommendation. The reviews online were good. The only caveat is that it’s located on the next city, so I took the train (30 min trip) and went this Sunday. Frame and lenses, converted to USD, cost $70. At the stores in my city, that’s the minimum price for frame only. Now I just have to take good care of it…

    1. Nervous Nellie*

      That’s great, Marion Q! Being able to see well is such a wonderful thing. And what a hike you had to make – double kudos to you!

    2. Nervous Nellie*

      Hurray! That is great news – congrats to you for making the trek. Being able to see clearly is such a wonderful thing.

      1. Marion Q*

        Thanks! And yeah, when I put the glasses on, it was like seeing in HD. Everything is so clear and sharp!

        1. Nervous Nellie*

          Yeah! Isn’t that freaky and wonderful? We forget what seeing clearly looked and felt like. I am so pleased for you!

  106. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

    Ugg tiny black ants around my sink, they just showed up last night. I’ve moved everything away from the area, Terro ant baits are being delivered this morning, and in the meantime I’m wiping the area down with white vinegar every couple hours. I hate bugs. :-P

    1. Goose Lavel*

      I have to clean up ants periodically around my house as well, but I prefer ants over the bugs that like to nibble on me any day.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        True, though I can usually avoid the latter by staying indoors :)

        I think I found the spot they’re coming from, at least on the into-my-kitchen end of things, there’s a big crack in the grout (caulk whatever) under the windowsill over the sink. I’m going to give them 24 hours to take the poison bait back to the colony, then re-caulk the underside of the windowsill and hopefully that will be the end of it, barring cleaning up the stragglers.

        Me: “The directions on the stuff said not to interfere with them once the bait is down, so’s not to deter them from taking it back to the colony, but I caught Frodo over here heading for the stove and Aragorn and Boromir over there making for the fridge, so I squashed them.”
        Husband: “… does that make the stove Mount Doom, and the fridge … I don’t even KNOW. You are so weird.”

        1. fposte*

          If you have any option to leave bait on the *other* side of the window, that works even better. Then they don’t even come inside to swarm.

    3. Clisby*

      Sugar ants? At least, that’s what they call them around here. Wiping down with vinegar (or bleach) helps – according to my pest control guy, he said those disrupt the pheromone trails that just bring more of them in.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        Yep, that’s what I think they are. I was pretty sure I remembered reading that about the vinegar, and since I put out the poison this morning they’re now almost all gone!

    4. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      Urgh. Mine have been mostly hanging out in my bathroom rather than my kitchen this year. I’m hesitant to chase them away too strongly because I really don’t want them to find other places to hang out in my house after they get discouraged from the bathroom, but I don’t actually want them in the bathroom either. I’ve been cleaning them up with lots of water as a compromise, but I should probably do a perimeter spray outside once we get a week with no rain in the forecast and see if that can discourage them from the house.

      (I keep pretty much everything in the pantry in glass canning jars, which are about the only ant-resistant storage I’ve found that actually works. I’m sure they will still find some random crumb on the floor to have an Ant Party about the next time they find the kitchen, but I do what I can to deter them and keep them out of things I’d otherwise plan to eat. Keeping them from finding water is much harder of course.)

      1. Clisby*

        Depending on how your weather has been going, they might be coming in for water rather than food.

        1. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

          This is what I was going to say. I’ve only had them in my house once during a particularly dry period. Once it rained they disappeared. No idea if that applies but maybe watering the area around the house would help?

          1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

            This particular group of ants seemed to show up more enthusiastically when it started raining again (finding a stray ant in the bathroom now and then hasn’t really been surprising in general, but finding more than 5 ants at a time in the bathroom started up exactly when the rains did and settled back down once we had a dry day), so I don’t think they’re looking for water. There’s no obvious food in the bathroom either, so I’m not sure what they looking for (shelter?), but they’re wandering rather than swarming so they don’t seem to have found it.

      2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        If you want to try something chemical, I found that Terro liquid seems to have worked a treat, and super quickly to boot.

        1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

          Terro baits have worked pretty well for my dad, but I’m struggling with where to safely put it because I have a basset hound that visits regularly and I’m worried she’d eat it. Right now, the ants are mostly on the floor so I don’t really want to encourage them to swarm on the counter where the dog couldn’t get into it, but I don’t want to put the bait on the floor because of the dog…

          1. Ethyl*

            What we did when we had kittens was take one of those disposable Tupperware containers, cut a hole in the bottom so the ants could get in but not kitten paws, position it so the hole is towards the wall where the ants are coming in, then taping it to the floor with something like painting tape. It worked but looked weird :)

            1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

              I’m not sure how large the overlap is between “things I can cut a hole in” and “things the hound dog can’t get apart by a combination of teeth, ingenuity, and sheer stubbornness if left alone in the house for a couple of hours”, but I’ll think on it and see if I can come up with something.

              1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

                If the dog is not a permanent resident – put it down when he’s not visiting, maybe. The stuff I got is a liquid that you just put a few drops on a card, easy enough to pick back up and give a once-over to the spot with a cleaning wipe? And when I say it worked quick, I mean I went from over 100 ants to two in the space of about two hours, with three sets of 2-3 drops.

    5. Jack Russell Terrier*

      Lavender Essential Oil where the come in – they don’t like it. I couldn’t believe it worked!

  107. Sam Sepiol*

    I’d cleaned two litter trays by 11.15 this morning. I feel like I’ve done something today.

    Loads more to do but at least the cats can be happy :)

  108. Ex Files*

    Hi hive mind! I hope I’m not too late, I could really use some advice.
    This week my partner and I broke up for the second time.
    My issue is we work together (I know I know). We didn’t when we first got together. Then Ex quit Shared Workplace and I subsequently got a job there. 6 months later Ex decided they hated the new job and re applied at Shared Workplace.
    We don’t work in the same unit but sit nearby and see each other multiple times a day.
    Issue is Ex is an ex pat and so all their best friends work at Shared Workplace. All love Ex and are protective etc so imagine the awfulness when we broke up the first time and they all hated me. Now I’m worried it’ll be round two on hating me.
    How do I deal with that? Usually when you break up it doesn’t matter what version of the story the ex tells their friends as you’ll never see them again. I now have numerous people who picked Ex up, dusted her off and all think I’m a giant jackass. Of course *my* version of events is different to Ex’s but I can’t get past them all thinking I’m a giant jerk without a right of reply or even giving the full story. Obviously Ex is entitled to say whatever Ex wants but the fact they’re all coworkers is so hard. Worst still Ex’s closest friend is moving roles for a short time and will have a vague position of power over me :(
    Any advice?

    1. Chi chan*

      It might be best to look for a new job or transfer to another team away from everyone who knows your ex. Till then only talk about work and as needed.

      1. Thankful for AAM*

        In the meantime, is there a way to say something to people directly that has the message, breakups are hard, I want Ex to have all the support they need and the privacy they need.

        I know the fault is not all on one side but you might disarm any negativity at work by preemptively taking on much of the blame??

        And I have seen Alison suggest taking a few people aside to give the message to them privately – any message you can think to frame about you want ex to be supported, things to go smoothly at work, etc.

        Do you have a manager you can ask about helping navigate this?

    2. Troutwaxer*

      As long as you were not abusive to your ex, you do have the right of reply and the right to put her stories into the context which is important to you, (not to impose that context on other people, but to make sure they understand why you thought as you did – there is no requirement that the other people agree with your position.)

      However, I’m not sure you should use those rights.

      Assuming you didn’t abuse your ex, I think you should take the following position: This is a workplace. We are all on the same team. You understand that you are not entitled to casual lunchroom conversation if someone is mad at you over the break up. However, you expect everyone – however angry they may be over the breakup – to behave professionally and calmly where work issues are concerned. You expect people to be polite, focused and professional. You will do the same. You expect them to answer emails. You expect them to work with you on projects. You will do the same.

      Also politely make sure everyone knows that you do not intend to discuss the breakup at work, and you hope that nobody will discuss it with you.

  109. Steggy Saurus*

    Does anyone else get irrationally angry at a doctor that meets you for the first time and addresses you by your first name while they use their title? (As in, “Hello Steggy, I’m Dr. Rex.”)

    A doctor I like is retiring and I needed am emergency appointment with someone in their specialty and ended up with this new doctor. The introduction set me on edge, to a point where I spiraled further into fury and ended up arguing with everything the doctor suggested and literally not hearing a good portion of what they said (my internal monologue was too loud, lol).

    So it was a complete waste of a visit. I feel like I should have just walked out as soon as the introduction was made and saved both of us the frustration.

    1. self employed*

      Wow, sorry, but that seems extreme unless I am missing some cultural thing here. To be that affected by a perceived power dynamic seems like something important to work through. It seems likely that the doc was trying to be friendly. You could ask to be referred to as Ms. Saurus if it’s that big of deal, but otherwise the reaction seems quite problematic to me.

      1. Steggy Saurus*

        Whereas to me, instead of being friendly, it comes off as treating me like a child. I don’t know her, she doesn’t know me. Therefore, don’t call me by my first name until or unless I say it’s okay.

        One reason I finally found a PCP to stick with is because she never refers to me by my first name and has never asked to.

        I debated having something in my chart, but I think that would lead to the NAs and nurses referring to me as Ms Saurus. That unnecessary, because they almost always introduce themselves by first name.

        1. Paralegal Part Deux*

          You’ve really blown it out of proportion and need to step back for a second. You need to figure out why you find use of your first name as treating you like a child, because that’s an extreme reaction to a non-issue.

    2. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

      I don’t much care, personally, and I don’t remember the last time I called my doc anything at all, except when calling the practice in general and they ask which doc I’m calling to schedule with – but to her face, I don’t call her anything, I just talk to her back and forth. I don’t even remember how she introduced herself.

      My mom actually prefers a doc who goes by Dr So-and-so, something about preferring a doc with authority, makes her feel better and more like they know what they’re talking about, she’s not at the doc’s for a friendly visit type thing, so a doc who introduces themselves as Chris, my mom will probably end up calling them Dr Chris anyway.

      Which is not to say you’re wrong, just that there’s a wide range of preferences and a doc can’t, unfortunately, know what works for everyone’s comfort zone from scratch. Would you have been comfortable, perhaps, saying something like “I’m not comfortable with that level of formality with medical providers, would you mind if I just called you Pat?” and hold the rage-spiral for if they got snotty about that?

      1. Steggy Saurus*

        My take is you begin with titles out of respect. If you’re going you introduce yourself as Dr. So-and-so, then you begin by calling your patient by title and last name. If you’re going to refer to your patient by their first name without asking, then you should introduce yourself the same way.

        There are a few interesting articles online about it. It appears I’m not the only one who’s got an issue with it!

        1. fposte*

          I agree with your underlying point; the asymmetry of address is historically significant, and I’m not crazy about it in medical situations.

          But 1) I think people have come to a new place in address like it’s a job title, not an honorific, which is why it’s specific to certain professions, and 2) I agree with others that it sounds like there’s more going on there with you if it genuinely meant you couldn’t get value from your doctor’s appointment.

          Even if they call you Ms. Saurus, the power imbalance will still be there. You will still be a vulnerable person naked under a sheet on a paper-wrapped table while they wear a white coat and sit on a chair. They may make mistakes that will last you a lifetime, and/or they will know things you don’t about your body, and may be right about things about you where you’re wrong. If you’re in the U.S., they still have a role in a byzantine economic system that can ruin your life even if your health is good.

          And I haaaate all of that, and can as a consequence be a bad patient who hurts her own health. And I *do* have doctors I call by their first name, and I do have doctors that address me by an honorific, but that doesn’t fix the problem, because what the address disparity stands for is still there even if the address disparity goes away.

          I don’t know if that’s you or not, and I don’t have a solution to offer you; I guess I’d just advise you to thoughtfully pick your battles here and weigh it against the overall health care goal. I absolutely think you can politely say to a doctor “I prefer Ms. Saurus, actually” and that that might make you feel more empowered than a rage spiral, and if asymmetric address is a deal-breaker for you that’s probably the only effective way for you to ensure you get what you need.

        2. Ask a Manager* Post author

          In addition to everything fposte said so well, it’s true that you’re not the only one who has an issue with asymmetry of address — but the extreme intensity of your reaction is very unusual (and likely self-defeating and not aligned with the outcomes you care about most for yourself). It’s one thing to be annoyed; rage and wasting the visit is difficult to understand unless there’s something else going on.

          1. Parenthetically*

            Yeah, exactly this! Annoyed, sure. Speaking out, sure. Incandescent with rage? Yeah, that’s a huge problem for what is, at most, an etiquette breach.

            1. Quandong*

              The intense reaction described by Steggy Saurus seems disproportionate and as though it’s already interfering with their ability to handle everyday tasks like going to medical appointments.

    3. Max*

      Uh, no. That seems like an alarming overreaction to me, and I’d be very concerned about why that happened. If you want to be addressed formally, you can just say so.

      But the fact that you were so overwhelmingly freaked out by this suggests that there is something deeper going on here. This can’t just be about someone using your first name. That would be utterly bizarre (I could understand being mildly annoyed but this level of emotion – fury! – is utterly out of proportion and suggests a much bigger issue). Maybe therapy could help you figure out why you are reacting like this and teach you some strategies to deal with it?

      1. Steggy Saurus*

        I don’t need therapy, I need doctors to treat patients with respect. Let’s just say that what I do remember of the conversation was as equally condescending as her introduction. First names are for children unless an adult says otherwise.

        1. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

          But… it’s also about you communicating back to them. It’s part of where there is just a mis-match, and you (just IMHO) need to own that you can’t judge them on how they greet you, if you have not corrected them. Take the time as others have suggested, to say ” Please address me as…” Then if they ignore that, they are not good listeners.

          There are lots of folks from different backgrounds, who go through clinical training, in different parts of the world and even in the US. Their training may have told them that they NEED to start the conversation that way. They don’t have the same conversational/ interaction approach you do, but you should give them the benefit of the doubt until you have asked them to address you a certain way. You can’t assume condescension.

          In many areas, not just this, I have to give the benefit of the doubt and then judge only after I make my wishes known. You don’t want a doctor that does not listen. But on the other hand, you may lose the opportunity to have a great diagnostician or advocate, if you don’t establish a two-way communication street and work though things by stating wishes or assumptions up front.

        2. fhqwhgads*

          I think this is highly culture dependent: “first names are for children unless an adult says otherwise”. I’d ask around or google your specific area. I can’t tell based on what you’ve said so far whether what you’re describing is the norm where you’re from and the doc was the outlier, or the other way around. I’ve lived all over the east and west coast of the US and what you’re describing is much higher level of formality than I’d expect in any of those places. I’ve never been called anything but my first name or my first and last name in any doctor’s office. They don’t use titles with patients, not reception, not nurses, not the doctors themselves. When doctor’s have introduced themselves as “Dr. Whomever” it’s not to establish a hierarchy or show they deserve title-level-respect and I do not. It’s because they are there in their capacity as a doctor.
          You have every right to be addressed how you please, and I recommend you calmly request being addressed in the manner you prefer. But I think in many areas, the default you want is not the default most people are expecting so it’s probably unreasonable of you to assume they would default to that. What you’re describing as “respectful vs disrespectful” I think to a lot of people is more a matter of “overly formal vs normal in most situations”.

        3. Jule*

          The idea that one’s internal monologue becomes “too loud” to physically hear another human being is, in fact, quite troubling from a health perspective. A professional can help you put into use strategies (like stating your name preferences up front) to avoid or decrease the frequency of such episodes, or determine what other treatments might help. I wish you the best of luck as you navigate your health!

          1. Steggy Saurus*

            Nah, my internal monologue is super loud anyway. I think that’s my brain’s attempt to make up for aphantasia (lack of a mind’s eye). :)

        4. Mac*

          Uh, no. First names are for adults! Normal, grown up people who can talk to each other like adults! You seem to have some really weird hang ups about this and your reactions are WILDLY out of proportion to the perceived issue.

          And given what you say of your emotional reaction, I don’t think anything you remember of the conversation can be trusted.

          You need help. This is not normal or healthy.

        6. Thankful for AAM*

          I find first names for children and honorifics for adults to be condescending. Our son called us by our first names from the time he could talk. He actually said mom or dad when he was hurt or needed a mom/dad hug and first names for things like pass the salt.

          And he transitioned more smoothly into adulthood than his peers.

          So again, we are all different.

          The doctor might have been rude or condescending but if you were too upset to take in much of what she said, maybe she was not so bad?

          I think it is a good lesson in asking for what you want.

        7. Courageous cat*

          I mean, when you start a new job do you call everyone in your office by Mr/Mrs? I have never heard of any of this. It’s kind of infantilizing for two adults to call each other by that, and extremely 100% normal to use first names.

    4. Acornia*

      No. And I think you *know* this is irrational. You even described it that way yourself!
      I think you need to consider that maybe your response here is more about how you feel about losing the doctor you like and are comfortable with and the emergency you’re dealing with. You are channeling all that into irrational anger over an introduction. I suspect if the doctor had used a formal title for you in introducing himself you would have found some other thing to focus on and feel that anger.
      It sucks to lose a doctor you’ve built a relationship with and trust. It sucks to have to start over, even more so to have to see someone in an emergency appointment so you don’t even get to pick who you see. It sucks to have all of that be out of your control.
      But it’s probably more about all that than simply her using your first name. Which is the convention. It’s not just for children.
      I’m sorry you’re going through all this at the same thing stuff needs to be dealt with urgently.

    5. Zona the Great*

      Very extreme reaction, I’d say. If it’s that important to you, you should try and have it placed as a note in your chart that you demand to be called by a formal title. It’s very very unusual to be this adamant that someone who knows your secrets should call you Mr/Ms. Saurus.

    6. The Other Dawn*

      I don’t care what the doctor calls me as long as she listens to my health concerns and works with me to make a plan, if needed.

    7. Middle School Teacher*

      This is a major overreaction, and I think you need to reframe it a bit (and if it’s that important to you, place a note in your chart that you demand to be called Ms Steggy, because let’s be clear, it’s a demand).

      I have worked with dozens of parents who insist on calling me by my first name, instead of Ms Teacher. It drives me crazy, because I worked hard to earn my Ms Teacher degree (and btw, tour doctor worked hard hard to earn their MD and deserves the title that comes with it). I look at it as, this parent is not my colleague and they are not my friend, and I always address them first as Mrs X. But some people just… don’t get it. And we have our meeting, and I go to my friend’s classroom after and complain, and then I feel better.

      But I get over it. Ultimately we are meeting to discuss a relationship that’s important, just like your health is to you, and if you a) let this make you so angry you can’t listen to the rest of the conversation, and b) don’t advocate for yourself, which it seems you haven’t done, you won’t get anything out of your doctor visits. I mean, doctors do a lot, and know a lot, but they aren’t mind readers.

      In short, yeah, you’re overreacting.

      1. just a random teacher*

        Interesting. I generally assume parents will call me by my first name if we’re talking to each other about their kids, and by Ms. Lastname if they’re talking about me to their children (who are my students). I find it weird when adults call me Ms. Lastname and I’m never sure if they want me to call them Ms./Mr. Lastname right on back. (Generally, adults in my culture call each other by first names even if they don’t know each other well.)

        If I’m introducing myself to parents I’ll generally say I’m Firstname Lastname, the SubjectArea teacher, or if I’m being introduced in a situation where they already know I’m their kids Subjectname teacher I’ll just introduce myself by my first name. (Example: Parent #1(talking to Parent #2):”This is our kid’s Subjectname teacher” *gestures at me* Me: “Hi! I’m Firstname. Nice to meet you.”) Similarly, I’ll sign initial emails Firstname Lastname, but if it’s a situation where we’re emailing back and forth about their kid several times a week I’ll start signing then with just Firstname.

        I do refer to doctors and dentists as Dr. Lastname, and I also refer to a couple of people from my mom’s neighborhood as Mr. Lastname because I was introduced to them at age 2 and never really got to know them well enough to use their first names (the ones I did get to know better switched to first names at some point in childhood), but I think this is one of those culture change things.

        My dad has one neighbor that clearly thinks that children should call adults Mr./Ms. but doesn’t actually know or remember his last name, I think, because she always refers to his as Mr. Firstname in front of her kids. I don’t know anyone else who still does this outside of school contexts.

        I’d be fine going by my first name rather than Ms. Lastname with my students too, but I don’t feel strongly enough about it to start a campaign to change it at my school. (I also just don’t like having to go by a gender-specific title, but that’s another issue.)

        1. fposte*

          I was thinking about teachers with this! There was a mention on Slate’s Ask a Teacher thing about wanting parents to refer to teachers with an honorific, which I thought was really interesting. Middle School Teacher talks about having worked hard for the position, which is true, but I don’t necessarily think is what’s behind the honorific practice; plenty of people have worked hard for positions that don’t get them addressed with an honorific.

          We may be getting close to “we do it because we do it and we don’t really know why” :-).

    8. Call me St. Vincent*

      This is funny to me because I personally thought you were overreacting, however, I asked my husband who is a doctor what he does. He said he ALWAYS calls patients Mr or Ms. He didn’t even read this post and said it is like nails on a chalkboard for him and he finds it so rude and presumptuous when doctors do that (he said it is rude the other way around also and that it disproportionately happens to female doctors). He said that a patient can say “please call me (first name)” but until then he would never! He also mentioned that it reinforces a sometimes uncomfortable power dynamic. Just thought you might feel better knowing that a doctor agrees with your perspective!

      1. Steggy Saurus*

        Thanks. From other sites I’ve read, some patients respond to being called by their first name with calling the doctor by their first name, in sone kind of passive-aggressive way of making their point. I didn’t want to do this because a) it’s rude and b) especially rude given this doctor was a woman and I had the same thought that your husband had about female doctors getting first-name treatment more often.

        1. Call me St. Vincent*

          Yes I agree with you! Personally, I would just ask “would you mind calling me Ms. Saurus?” Seriously though I can’t tell you how strong my husband’s reaction was to this situation. He was like 200% on your side with it and said you were right to be angry. He thought it was VERY disrespectful of the doctor. I go to the doctor a lot because I suffer from a couple of chronic illnesses. I am very blessed to have a wonderful rheumatologist who is amazing (and insists on me calling him by his first name and won’t talk to my husband about my condition without my express permission!), but I have had other specialists run the gamut. The worst though is when they learn my husband is a doctor and then talk to him the entire time and ignore me….

      2. Washi*

        How does he avoid misgendering people? Is their gender in the chart usually? That’s my biggest issue with Mr./Mrs (though in my context, I’m often meeting people for the first time over the phone, and judging someone’s gender by their voice is even worse!)

        1. Call me St. Vincent*

          Okay I asked him and he said it was a good question. He said it’s usually in the chart (we live in a state with strong LGBTQIA rights so medical records generally will hopefully reflect the person’s gender identity), but certainly the medical record might not reflect if someone is for example nonbinary. He said he tries to feel it out and if there is any question, he may ask “how would you prefer to be addressed?”

          1. Cat*

            My dentist had me fill out a new patient form that had options for non-binary patients to check, which I appreciated.

            1. Call me St. Vincent*

              That’s awesome! He works for a very large hospital with EMR so doesn’t have a say (at this point in his career at least) in how things are coded in the record, but if he can provide input on that I will tell him he should suggest that!

      3. Toaster Strudel heiress*

        Here (england) that would be really weird and distancing from a doctor. You expect them to use your first name here.

    9. Anono-me*

      Here are a couple of short term solutions for ths name situation.

      1. When making your appointment, inform the appointment setter that you prefer ‘Ms. Saurus’. If the doctor forgets upon first meeting you, provide a cheerful “Actually it’s Ms. Saurus”. If you have to correct the doctor multiple times in one visit, I would take that as they’re not listening and if possible find a different physician.

      2. Know the doctor’s full name before the visit. If the doctor Cris Rex comes in and says “Hi Steggy. I’m Dr. Rex.” Then you can respond with a cheerful “Hi Cris. Nice to meet you.” If you get “Actually, I prefer Doctor Rex.”back. You can respond with “Oh I’m so sorry, I thought we were using first names, I must have misheard you calling me ‘Steggy’.” Please keep in mind that this approach may alienate your doctor, so pick your battles wisely.

      Please also consider these thoughts?

      A lot medical professionals deliberately use people’s first name is so as to increase patient anonymity. There may be a lot of people named “Pat”, but there are probably very few people named “Mr. Wigglesworth-Trundlebarrow”.
      If your physician is a woman or person of color, they may have to be very assertive about being Dr. Rex due to people assuming that they are nurses, orderlies, or aides otherwise.

      There will always be a huge power and balance between a doctor and patient. Literally the doctor has control over the patient’s life in many cases. Also the fact that you have to wear a little paper gown well the doctor is fully dressed and wearing a white coat creates a power imbalance. I find insisting on getting dressed back into a nice suit, prior to discussing anything diagnostic helps mitigate that, as does taking notes on a small Notepad. It can also be very helpful to bring a second person along.

      I don’t think your reaction is at all unreasonable. But I do think the extent of your reaction is very extreme. I think it is very counterproductive for you. I do hope that you reevaluate the extremity of your reaction and possibly take steps to mitigate it. Especially if this is not the only situation, where this extreme reaction occurs.

      Good luck with your next appointment Ms. Saurus.

      1. fposte*

        I was thinking that the doctor who most reliably addresses me as Ms. Poste is the doctor who also is legendary for lateness–like, if I get in under an hour late I’m pretty pleased. And the “you get to be late and I don’t” thing is another asymmetry that bothers me, more than a little bit.

        But. He is a really good doctor, and he’s not an asshole. He just doesn’t do schedules. So I’ve managed to become philosophical about his approach to time and bring a book in full understanding of how this will go. I wouldn’t begrudge somebody finding another doctor because of the time thing, but it really isn’t emblematic of his being disrespectful through and through (though it’s also not because he spends notably larger amounts of time with patients, or at least not with me), so I’m glad I was able to find a way to keep going to him without descending into Irritation Valley every visit.

        1. Call me St. Vincent*

          In my experience, usually doctors who are good and well liked tend to be late more often because they actually spend time with their patients and listen to them. It isn’t wonderful to be kept waiting (and the double standard sucks), but I am generally willing to wait for them so I am with you on that. Also, a good doctor will extend the courtesy back to you if you’re late and you call and let them know. Sometimes it’s the office staff that is more strict. I once got stuck on the highway because of an accident and the office staff gave me some trouble about being late, but I insisted on being seen as I had taken time off from work. When I spoke to the doctor about it, he was mortified that his staff was so hard on me and apologized. He wasn’t even aware of the interaction until I told him and promised to make sure the staff knew that it was okay to be flexible.

    10. Toaster Strudel heiress*

      Why can’t you just say: “Please call me X?”

      You’re there to get medical help, right? Why sabotage that for yourself?

      1. Steggy Saurus*

        I will, next time. Either that or just walk out and request another doctor. I feel like my insistence on last name would end up putting the doctor on edge too, thus just ending up with the same result I had in the first place.

        I didn’t mention before, but the woman was repeatedly offensive during the course of the visit.

        “Do you take NSAIDS?”
        “No, I don’t take ibuprofen or any others because they raise my blood pressure, I stick to Tylenol” (thus indicating I know what an NSAID is).
        “Are you sure? No Ibuprofen, Aleve?”
        (Internal monologue: “what did I just say?)

        And then she ended the appt recommending a particular supplement. She looked me up and down and said, “Take it with dinner. It’ll help absorb some of the fat.”

        I think before I’d been in just a mild simmer. At that point, I went full boil.

        1. Parenthetically*

          Okay this clarifies some things for me.

          1. I still think your response to being called Steggy was really disproportionate, and assumed the very worst motivation. I wouldn’t have a problem being called by my first name by a doctor, and neither would most people in this thread (though I call our family doctor by his first name too — we’re basically the same age so it would seem weird to me to call him Dr. Smith).

          2. However, with this new information it seems like maybe there was some “thin slicing” happening. You picked up on an overall patronizing vibe and your rational brain attached to the first name thing as emblematic of that vibe. I’d say next time ask for a different doctor who isn’t fatphobic.

        2. WellRed*

          I don’t find her verifying the nsaids offensive. She has no way to be 100% sure you didn’t overlook something. I think you are determined to find fault with her, either because you dislike doctors in general or due to your oversized rage at not being addressed how you felt you should be. Which she had no way of knowing.

        3. fposte*

          I’m agreeing with WellRed. It is annoying as hell to be on the receiving end as a patient, but especially with a first encounter with a doctor, yes, she should check something like that. (That’s why I generally hate first appointments with doctors.) We are just not reliable factual narrators of our own lives, and she doesn’t know you well enough to know whether you were an expert witness in the Vioxx suit or think NSAID means the same as non-opioid.

          The other comment, however, is another matter. Unless she was talking about something like Vitamin D and mixed her phraseology up (taking it with fat does help you absorb it), that sounds like nutritional BS as well as fatphobia.

        4. LGC*

          It sounds like…neither of you were reading the room.

          In isolation, the question about NSAIDs isn’t offensive in my opinion – a lot of people don’t know what an NSAID is. So if she gets a lot of patients saying that they’re not taking any NSAIDs and whoops they take Tylenol regularly, that might be why she repeated herself.

          The supplement thing is a bit dicier, but there are medical reasons why you might want a fat absorbing supplement that don’t have to do with your weight. I’m pretty sure she meant dietary fat, not body fat.

          But also…it sounds like it was really obvious that you were on edge, and SHE goofed up by not being more sensitive to that. (I’ll note that I’m not saying that the way she addressed you was absolutely correct or incorrect, it’s just that it sounded like you were pretty mad at her and she just ignored it, which made things worse.)

          For what it’s worth, I actually think your preference is fine, but your reaction was out of proportion. I don’t think you need to go to therapy (it doesn’t hurt, though!), but I’d DEFINITELY ask myself why I got so mad if I were you. For starters, how have your previous experiences with medicine gone?

    11. Sparrow*

      I’m sorry you felt that way! I agree with what the other comments are saying, that you have the right to be addressed the way you prefer, but it might be on you to calmly state your preference at the outset. I’m a medical student so I think about these kind of interactions “from the other side” quite a lot as I try to figure out my professional behavior and style.

      To address patients, we were taught to start with “Hello, Ms./Mr. Last Name,” and then to ask “How would you prefer to be addressed?” In real life, however, I usually skip asking for a preferred form of address, because not everyone understands the question and I haven’t found a way to incorporate it into my routine that feels natural. Also, one standardized patient (an actor who is trained to act as a patient and give us feedback) told me that asking for his preferred form of address felt like asking for permission to use his first name/be informal and he didn’t like that. Sometimes patients will say “Oh, please call me Bob” and then I use that, but otherwise I stick with Mr. Last Name.

      For myself, I introduce myself as First Name, since I am still a student. When I graduate, I think I will introduce myself as Dr. Last Name, at least for the first few years, because I’ll still look young/possibly like a student, and I will want to convey that I’ve earned my degree and have professional authority.

      It’s interesting to me that you feel that being addressed by your first name is like being spoken to as a child. I frequently feel like I have to remind myself that adults call each other by first names in the working world (as I believe Alison has said in posts), and it would be child-like to use Mr. or Ms. Last Name in emails or other work correspondence. I moved from an area of the country that is generally more formal to one that is less formal, so maybe that is part of it. I have a lot more thoughts on names and communication and hierarchy…. it is so rich with meaning and yet we rarely think about the details….

      1. Steggy Saurus*

        Thanks, Sparrow. I absolutely agree that when you get your degree you should use your title! And it sounds like you’ve got a mind for thinking about these issues, which I appreciate.

        I’m always amused by southern traditions, where kids seem refer to adults as “Miss First Name.” That never would have flown in my WASP-y New England family, but it’s apparently the respectful thing to do where my sister lives now.

        Regarding the workplace, I guess to me my situation would be like a new boss (I’m in academia) introducing herself to me like, “Hi Michelle, I’m Dean Doe.” That would also set my back up. First names for adults are great, as long as everyone is using them.

    12. MissDisplaced*

      Um… Angry? No.
      A doctor or dentist is a professional and thus they are designed with the term Doctor before their name: Doctor Donna, Doctor Smith or Doctor Steve. I think it’s fine for them to use your first name, and not disrespectful, but if you don’t like that just tell them in the moment. “Actually, I prefer you call me Ms. X.” Or whatever form of address you prefer.

      The medical professionals use your name to make you feel comfortable and at ease, so unless there was something else going on here (and I’m American so other titles aren’t prevalent) and they were being condescending in some other way, I don’t quite get the irrational anger at this?

    13. Not So NewReader*

      Okay so what is really up?

      You remind me of ME. I can get ticked at something like this. I have to remind myself that this is not my real issue. as there are oh-so-many ways that people can disrespect one another. Like the doc who called me a stupid fn b**** because I was so scared and crying. Or the doc that said I had no moral worth as a human because I did not spend 24/7 at my father’s bedside. Then there was the nurse who insisted on getting the wheelchair that I do not have. I kept saying, I don’t use a wheelchair. She kept saying, “I will get it for you.” I had to literally sneak out of the room and the hospital to get away from her. I have many, many of these stories.
      I have the worst luck when it comes to medical stuff.

      You know they can call you Ms. X and still be disrespectful as all get-out. So what’s really bothering you?

    14. Not Alison*

      Are you over 70? Geez, your comment sounds like something my grandmother says. Back 50 years ago the culture was more formal and everyone seemed to go by Mr./Mrs./Miss/Ms. but nowadays informality rules.
      Or as another commenter suggested, why didn’t you just tell the doctor “I prefer being addressed as Mr./Mrs./Ms. Lastname.”

    15. Lilysparrow*

      But, you said this was an emergency appointment.

      Did you get your emergency taken care of? Are you going to be okay? Do you know what you need to do for follow-up if you weren’t listening to what she said?

      I totally understand how you feel, but it’s very concerning that you would be so derailed by these feelings that you missed out on urgently needed healthcare. If the intensity of your reactions is keeping you from getting treated for health emergencies, then that is an urgent health problem as well.

      1. Steggy Saurus*

        Yeah, I’m fine. I ought to have used the word “urgent” rather than emergency. I’m about to go on a long overseas trip and the immediate issue was being dealt with using another doctor (I needed an iron transfusion). The underlying condition is what the urgent visit was for. Basically, I already knew there was no good/short term medical solution to the underlying problem going into that visit.

        If I really feel I need to see another specialist before I go, I have no issues talking to the NP who made that appointment for me and getting another, more successful office visit.

        I get the treatment I want when I need it. I may be a misanthrope, but I’m not a total basket case. :)

    16. Courageous cat*

      I… would find it so weird if a doctor called me Ms. So-and-so, honestly. Your feelings are your feelings, but I don’t relate (no one I know would), and the way you handled it was frankly a bit ridiculous/juvenile.

      It’s not normal to be that upset over something so trivial, and I would consider this something to take to therapy.

  110. HigherEd on Toast*

    I wish I knew better how to help my friend cope with her divorce. It’s extremely acrimonious, so that’s also a big problem, but so is her expectation that he’s just going to…move out of town, basically, when his job and life are here. He’s stopped attending the church they attended, which was the main place my friend was afraid she would see him, but she saw him walking into a store the other day and called me screaming, because, “He knows I shop at that store!” She also doesn’t want him to drive to his job in case she sees his car, or go to his doctors because she has doctors in the same hospital and might see him.

    I’ve been listening and telling her, “I’m so sorry,” but that’s not making any impact. IDK what else I can say.

    1. fposte*

      I don’t think you have the power to change this for her. If you haven’t, you absolutely can say “I get that you don’t want to see him, but since that’s not going to happen, what do you think you could do to adjust?” But the adjusting isn’t something you can do for her.

      1. HigherEd on Toast*

        Yeah, I think you’re right, but I needed to hear someone else say it. Thanks.

  111. TinyKittens at CatCon*

    I know a number of us are fans of TinyKittens. Shelly Roche gave a talk yesterday morning at CatCon in Pasadena, California! Jenna F, of Lucy & Sheldon’s Shenanigans (facebook) is visiting from Australia, taped it, & posted it!
    I found it via TinyKittens Cat Pack on Facebook, which has a link to it on Youtube. That post was from late last night/early this morning depending on your time zone.
    Fun to see which cat stories she chose to highlight their work with feral cats, & some of the amazing results their getting.

    1. TinyKittens at CatCon*

      Oh, technology.. results they’re getting. Neither my phone or laptop will let me paste the link, sorry.

  112. MMB*

    Random comment.
    Every time I watch an episode of Deadliest Catch, I think what would Alison say? LOL

  113. How to cope with climate change despair?*

    Does what it says on the can.

    Was reading an article on Vox today asking about whether climate change would cause human extinction, or just kill off a fuckton of us instead. In the meantime I catch myself wondering if I should just tough it out ’till I die in a heatwave, move somewhere remote near one of the poles and tell my change-denying compatriots to screw off, or just jump off the top of a tall building and hope I don’t get back up again.

    I’m studying in an area that’s close to climate/enviro studies, if that makes any difference.

    What do?

    1. Agnodike*

      I mean, I think the short term answer to “what do?” is probably “Stop reading popular media articles about climate change.” My spouse is an environmental scientist specializing in climate change; their view is that journalists rarely paint an accurate picture of the science.

      Climate change is bad, and urgent action is needed to stem the tide. But we live hopeful lives in my household; we have a toddler and we’re not expecting that any future grandchildren will be born into a Mad Max hellscape. We make plans for the future. Nobody knows what the timescale for serious climate effects will be (and how they’ll unfold in various parts of the world; we’ll be having a very different time in Canada than people in Bangladesh will) or how much is reversible/fixable. Keep agitating for change, keep doing your big, keep hope alive.

    2. Miss Pantalones en Fuego*

      I wish I had an answer. It legitimately keeps me up at night sometimes. I don’t know if I am overreacting or if it is rational to feel panicked right now. Mostly I try to ignore it for my own sanity and do what I can to keep my own impact low.

    3. Quandong*

      Given you’re unlikely to avoid this topic in your work life, you might consider seeking some therapy to help develop coping strategies. Can you access an EAP?

      1. Quandong*

        Sorry, misread that you’re a student. Please make use of student support services, whatever counselling they can offer you. You’re not alone.

    4. Not So NewReader*

      You know if we plan as if we are going to die, then we can end up having NO plan if we live. Because we neglected to figure out what we would do if we lived.

      I remember the run up to New Years Day 2000. Several of my crew were absolutely certain we would not be into work on Jan. 2 because the world had ended the day before. I said, “Try not to be too disappointed if we are all standing here on Jan. 2.” I honestly think that some of them never planned to go to work on the 2nd because they sincerely believed we’d all be dead.

      I have a little saying that I go back to, “Human kind is so collectively stupid we can’t even off ourselves successfully.” It’s like watching Stanley and Ollie. We could go on for decades hanging on by a thread.

      My other saying is, “If I am not part of the solutions then that means I am part of the problems.” I can only do what I can for my one square inch of the planet. I don’t have kids, but I still believe I owe it to future generations to do my best.

    5. Lilysparrow*

      If you are serious about contemplating the tall building, then what do = call doctor immediately.

    6. Anon Librarian*

      Back in the early 90’s, they were saying we’d make it to 2000 at best, and that climate change would be completely devastating by 1997. I expected there to be a Mad Max hellscape by the time I graduated college. This influenced me not to plan for the future. But we’re still here. Climate change is real. But there is a lot of media hype around it, distorting it so that people panic (so they’ll spend more money, I suspect). So seek out scientific sources for comfort. It does seem to be getting worse, but it’s probably not what Vox says.

    7. Not A Manager*

      I share your feelings. What I do is compartmentalize the same way I did when my late spouse was ill. You know a very bad thing is probably going to happen, you do your very best to prevent or mitigate it, but you also live your life and enjoy it.

      Sometimes enjoying your life is a choice. Sometimes you have to talk yourself past the bad stuff. You can’t always do that, but sometimes you can.

  114. Mazzy*

    Has anyone else experienced this before with the low carb diet trend? I tried it yet again, but even eating loads of veggies and meat, I got constipated and very, very bloated and needed to stop it this week. I’m feeling like some genetic freak because I was eating loads of fiber and it wasn’t making me go to the bathroom. Maybe I was eating too much meat? This has happened a few times now. I don’t want to try it again. Has anyone had success losing weight not on a low carb diet?

    1. M*

      This happened to me BIG time. What finally helped for me was adding ferments to my diet. I think my gut biome was thrown way off when I started low carbing. I started eating just a little raw saurkraut or kimchi or kefir with meals and gradually increased the amount. No more constipation and it was really fun to find all the different kinds of lacto-fermented treats available. Yummy!!

      1. AlaskaBlue*

        Oh, thank you!!! I am having the same issue!!! I am on WW which is basically low carb, and am doing a CSA and buying extra fruit that’s driven up from California (better than anything we can get in Anchorage) and my digestive tract is so unhappy and slow. And it didn’t make sense because I am getting loads of fiber!! Time to add ferments and see if that helps! THANK YOU.

      2. Booksalot*

        +100 to this. I added kombucha and it helped immensely, both with gut symptoms and soda cravings.

    2. Ramanon*

      You’re absolutely not a freak or anything like that! A diet is a medical tool, and it doesn’t work the same for everyone. There’s people who don’t get any pain relief from Motrin, and they’re not freaks, they just don’t “do” Motrin. I don’t know of any medical tool that’s one-size-fits-all; even wheelchairs need to be optimized for the specific needs of the user, as far as I know.

      As an aside, I’d suggest measuring your success by whether you feel better with lifestyle and diet changes (more energetic, less bloated, etc. etc.) and not by whether you’re losing weight. If something is making you feel unwell, don’t feel obligated to stick with it because it might make you lose weight!

    3. Ethyl*

      Are you getting enough fluids and salt? I’ve read multiple places that a lack of fluids and salt are at the bottom of many low carb side effects. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I’ve been constipated the last two days and it’s very uncomfortable :(

      2. Not So NewReader*

        Yep, if you are doing low carb you definitely need to follow your water habits closely. Other people use different formulas. I take 1/2 my body weight, turn that number into ounces and that is the number of ounces of just PLAIN water I must drink each day.
        Coffee is not water. Tea is not water. It has to be water.
        Pumpkin or butternut squash can help with bowels. Also organic apple juice not from concentrate. You can cut it with water 50/50 if you wish, to make the bottle last longer.
        If you are having a bigger problem you might want to try some digestive enzymes. Probably a good idea to check with your doc or practitioner at this point.

    4. WellRed*

      If you suddenly go from low fiber to tons of fiber, that can be tough on your system. Try easing off it a bit.

    5. Lilysparrow*

      Yes. I do much better on a food-pyramid or Mediterranean type diet with whole grains, moderate protein & fat.

      Low carb diets make me stagnate or gain. I’ve read all the books, it’s not “supposed” to work like this, but here I am. Maybe it’s a satiety issue, where I crave more food without carbs? Maybe it’s a behavior/magical thinking issue, where I don’t really stick to the low-carb when I think I am? Maybe it’s that I’m used to the right portion sizes with carbs, and can’t grok the right portions on low-carb?

      I’m past caring why at this point. I just eat the carbs and lose the weight and feel better.

  115. leapingLemur*

    Or how about ordering take out and using that on a picnic? That way, you can do all the dealing with servers (so they don’t have to deal with your mom), and she still gets out of the house and gets restaurant food.

  116. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

    Just looking for some encouragement on trying to find balance. I posted inside a thread above about shifting to the long-term view now, it can’t be “push 24x7x365” to fix the train wreck I was left with. I think I have a more workable plan.

    Long story short, despite the challenges, I’m accepting that I have to take more time to exercise, care for myself physically, and build my social connections… this is taking a far greater toll than I thought, for far longer. (Ulcer is back, for one thing).

    This week was a difficult reminder, the anniversary of the last fun activity that hubby ever left the house for (we attended the county fair every year of our marriage). I pushed him in the wheelchair to a concert he loved. While I’ve had devastating emotional blows (finally got through the last of those 2 weeks ago), I’ve gotten to the stage of being able to not be angry for too long – at myself for my gullibility or him – for the train wreck he made with his lying, gambling and cheating on me. Such a talented manipulator.

    I’m still on the clean-up-the-hoard project, and the last really valuable stuff left the premises. Last vehicle of any value is for sale soon (help from family to do the showing of it…better to not have to deal with tire kickers for me) so I will be able to end the insurance coverage and have a little emergency fund when that sells. (or use the money to wrap up the next item)

    I’ve been feeling down by seeing how much junk physically is still left…. but I have to keep reminding myself that with almost a year of selling and cleaning, I have made great inroads. If I wasn’t so committed to keeping “useful” out of the landfill, I could just get ~ 4 40′ dumpsters and pay someone to haul it all away. I need to do some “batch” listings on Craigslist next. (500+ sockets, folks…and that’s just a fraction of the stuff left).

    I need the stuff out of the 10 x 10 and 10 x 20 gone before the rains start again in the fall. I want to take those “temporary” storage tents down. And I’d like to have the 800 Sq ft (finished) loft over the garages empty enough to rent if possible, too.

    I won’t post about the work thread, but there is hope that my (honest) 50 hours a week, fingers on the keyboard will be addressed with a job split by the end of the summer. I’m so weary mentally that I don’t get as much done as I want to on the clean-up & list.

    On the mom front, she’s back living alone, 2000 miles away, but the sweet sibs are bearing the brunt of it (I had her the prior 5 months), and it is more and more obvious to them that she is going to have to make a move eventually… I let go of the mental management temporarily and just offer one-time input for each issue ( trust me, she is NOT going to master a smart phone when the flip phone confuses her for how to answer). I need them to see what I saw, not assume she can roll along unassisted. But I’m relying on them and not trying to carry the mental weight of this. There are CEO/consultants in the family where she wants to live, so happy to let their input lead on this. I don’t have to solve it or even lead the effort.

    Which brings me to my current “ah ha” this week. I simply can’t do all this and my (very) demanding job, without balance. I was hit with severe stomach pain twice this week (like the last time the ulcer kicked in), which remitted only after I took a pretty heavy duty antacid/PPI. I have not wanted to be on those meds long term, and I was able to avoid it with careful management until now.

    I can’t keep pushing at this pace, and it’s clear to me that I need to have more balance. Yes, I’m making progress (slow but noticeable to her) in my counseling sessions.

    So the plan is (looking for input and suggestions):
    1) I need to figure out what I would LIKE to be doing for fun.
    I used to have hobbies. I’ve denied myself any during this interval. (I’ve had most creative ones, or reading, previously – it’s not that I don’t have skills… it’s the desire). The problem is, I’ve been resistant and literally denied myself to the point where I can’t even think of what sounds fun. Other than reading AAM, and surfing the internet (let’s call it research), I haven’t done anything fun/relaxing in the last 4 stressful years.

    2) I need to get exercise. I’m now hunched over, almost, and the shoulders, neck, and muscles are a mess.

    3) I want to build back up my social network. I have a good support network, I’ve just worried about tapping them out to continue to help me. Who wants to come to my “back side of beyond” place, and sort stuff, to spend time with me? They close ones have, I just … feel like I do not want to treat friends as free labor (because I know this is a long slog) and I do NOT want this to be all about me being a victim. I was, but this is also about the new me, the friendships, the life I want to have in the future.

    4) It is also abundantly clear to me that unless I rent out half this house, and the garage, and get a significant raise at work, I will not be able to retire for 8 years or so. I accepting that I should just look at that 8 years as a 95% probability, and adjust the pace so I “can” make it that far, happily. I’m not sure I can count on being able to cope with a roommate at this stage.

    My conclusion / plan? (looking for input):
    * Slow down the retirement savings a little bit. Instead, or in addition:
    A) I need to invest in my health.
    A-1) For an extra $X a month, for a set of fun classes (I can take with a friend or make new friends there), I found I enjoy the exercise group classes (light interaction, not deep conversation) that I’ve done a trial on one thing (Pilates) – adored it.
    A-2) I can (if before the work day starts) supplement with classes at the free work gym. I’d add these only after I get A-1 established (A-1 is weekend).
    A-3) I have a good friend who would love to do hour-long walks at a good clip, and we talk deeply. I can commit to mid-week, going for a long walk with her. Bonus, great cook and feeds me after. She lives quite a way away, but if I go after work, the drive is short TO her place. Just need to make myself leave work on time. This also helps the friendship / support network… it isn’t all about my junk and my needs.
    B) Invest in my brain and cultural needs. I used to – before marriage – have rich, art/ museum, gardens, theater interests. Subscription to the very good museum system; subscription to see the Broadway shows when they came, visits to botanical gardens, and classes. While I don’t have the same level of disposable income, I can go by myself with friends, to something each month. There are free days for the museums here; there are some good local productions that I can afford to attend, and I can do a big splurge here and there (Hamilton) for something like my birthday. If I retire with my “number” made at age X, but with zero life interests, I will have a much worse transition.
    Bonus on B- I can invite friends but I will make myself still go even if it is just me.
    So… I think investing some each month in “my outside life” is a way to help me pace this extension of my work life past normal retirement, better.

    C) Invest in food in a different way:
    I have been too frugal and deprived myself sometimes on the food budget in the wrong areas. I am good about it when I have guests over, but I am much too “mean” to myself in some ways. Two areas:

    C-1) I believe I need to set aside an amount to have lunch, or tea, or dinner (doesn’t have to be fancy), and not beat myself up – just count on inviting or joining friends regularly for something. I don’t think I should carve this out of the food budget, but put it into the social activities budget. I literally need to start initiating invitations. Most of my friends know I’m not at all in the same financial situation I was (or thought we were… ) but would be happy to join me if I have this conversation.

    C-2) I also need to start being kinder to myself about the food I buy for me. Great strides made, I just need to get rid of the last of the big bags of chocolate (Hershey’s kisses) and continue to say it is okay to have a wider variety of fresh fruit and veggies, even if it seems extra expensive for one serving. (bag at costco vs. 1 at trader joes).

    The above is long, but thank you for listening. I’ve had such good support from folks from the beginning of this difficult journey, and I think I have a plan. Budget is personal, but I think these trade-offs will be worth it.

      1. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

        thank you so much! I appreciate the encouragement more than I can say. Its hard putting this out there, and support really helps.

    2. Llellayena*

      The amount of thought you’ve already put into ‘how to turn things around’ is impressive. I think all of your ideas make sense. Don’t get stuck in the planning stage though, it’s too easy just to keep planning and not actually DO. If you need the kick, put it on your calendar with reminders: Tuesday evening research and select a play to attend, Wednesday call Friends 1 and 2 and schedule tea, etc. From personal experience I know that if the mantra is “I should call them” it will take months to get to it (or sometimes years), but “I’ll call them tonight” has a better chance. Good luck!

      1. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

        Actually an excellent point. I’ve got a reluctance to reach out to folks, so the parts in “my” control are more likely to get done, but my fear of being a “bother” often leads me to procrastinate until I fall into embarrassment and let an intention lapse altogether. I will try the Tuesday/ Wednesday plan idea and report back. THANK YOU.

    3. Not So NewReader*

      This is really well thought out.
      Here’s my list:
      Do not allow myself to become a basket case that others have to take care of. Some illness is preventable, we cannot allow ourselves to wear down to the point we are ill.
      Eat whole foods, veggies, fruits and proteins.
      Drink my water allotment daily.
      (Some days are better than others but every day is a clean slate.)
      Walking is good, but so is quiet time. Do you allot an hour or so before bed to do whatever YOU want?

      The one thing I picked up on here was that you are hunched over. The emotional part of this problem can be from the feeling of having the weight of the world on our shoulders. I hunched. My shoulders even curled like old people’s shoulders. A good massage therapist can straighten that out. My shoulders are back where they belong under the shoulder seams of my clothes. Curling/hunching can eventually interfere with organ function to some degree. So going for a massage would be a good investment in your future health. I allowed myself one massage a month for the first year after my husband passed. It was worth it.

      The more nutrition you get into your body, the more coping tools you will find. We need vitamins and minerals not only for our bodies to work but also for our minds to work clearly. I was told with a simpler diet my thinking would seem clearer to me. And I found that to be true.

      1. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

        Thank you. The hunching scared me… coupled with the pain. I had not thought of a massage but I need to prioritize self care, and that’s a very good point. It has to be super delicate because of the osteoporosis (my bone density is actually less than my 90 year old moms).
        And your encouragement on here is one of the reasons I’ve begun paying attention to my water and vitamins…. thank you

        1. Fiddlesticks*

          This is a potentially more expensive option, but may be a good one — if you’re looking at mobility and functionality limitations, and want someone with a more solutions-driven/medical/rehab mindset, it may be worth looking into physical therapy. Manual work is very similar to a massage (in my experience, more targeted to specific problem areas), and they can definitely work with your medical conditions! The manual work combined with rehab/training work with my PT has been really important to fending off some recurrent pain I have, a lot of it exacerbated by long hours sitting at a computer for work.

          I do both massage and PT, but I’ve found as my PT progressed and my rehab has improved my habits and trained me to do maintenance, I’ve gone from needing a massage booked in at least once a month to being fine even without it entirely.

          I was super hesitant at first, the amount of money all of this costs (and will intermittently cost) in the future was daunting, but it’s been so good for me, I have to grit my teeth and continuously remind myself that true self-care isn’t letting myself eat a box of chocolate or order a pizza or indulgently buy $5 nonsense in the checkout aisle — it’s taking care of my body, even if it’s expensive and frustrating, because it has an overall positive quality of life effect for me that will last longer than the sugar high.

          Something to consider if you’re up for it!

          1. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

            Great info to have. I have a friend that used PT to be able to deal with the foot pain she had (and was nearly crippled by)… I can check into her resource. I hadn’t even thought of that!!

        2. Not So NewReader*

          I hear ya. The curling scared me. I looked like an 80 year old. The massage therapist “ironed” the muscles- she used her finger tips to press them out flatter. It actually felt good.
          The hunching was help with nutrition for my heart. Makes sense right? Heart break can go into physical heart break. Got some B vitamins into me (I had a professional watching me) and I was able to straighten up. I get compliments on my posture now, but a pro would be able to tell you that I definitely do not have perfect posture. So it’s better and I definitely fought off a small future crisis.
          Just my opinion but I think that many people in grief can benefit from some B. Good to talk to a professional first though.
          There’s a lot of low key things that you can look into to help yourself. It doesn’t have to cost a fortune and it does not have to consume large chunks of your time.

    4. Rebecca*

      I’m rooting for you too, what an impressive list, and you’re getting things accomplished! You go! And it is a journey, not a sprint, but a steady walk. That’s how I think of it now, just walking steadily forward.

      1. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

        Thank you. I know it was long, but this is a long walk, as you so wonderfully put it. And I like the “steadily forward.”
        You’ve been an inspiration. It means a lot to have your encouragement.

    5. Not A Manager*

      I’m so impressed with your list. Good for you for being so insightful and willing to make changes.

      Would it be possible to install an efficiency kitchen in your house? Is there a second entrance? Maybe it would be easier for you to rent part of it if you didn’t feel that you had “roommates” but rather that you had “tenants.”

      1. NoLongerYoungButLotsWiser*

        I’m a renter, too. But the landlord is pretty flexible – and he did even mention acouple years ago that he had drafted the plans to finish turning the over the garage,800 sq ft loft into an apartment. I could pay for the bathroom to be added – rent the loft separately. I was going to rent it in conjunction with a bedroom and bath in the house, but far rather have someone not even in this space with me if possible.
        A good idea!

        Thank you!

  117. Ewesername*

    Went on work trip. Caught a cold. Now batting pneumonia again.
    So I’m laying here, in 30C heat, living vicariously through all y’all.
    Hope you’re all having a great weekend

    1. Ethyl*

      I always seem to get sick when I travel. Nothing like paying out the nose for Michelin starred cuisine and being unable to enjoy it because you’re eating around cough drops. I hope you feel better soon.

      1. Ewesername*

        Lucky it was a work trip, so not my dime.
        And the Via Rail chef was super super nice and made me fresh chicken soup one lunch. Just hate that I missing out on all the Canada day stuff this weekend.

  118. seattle adventure*

    I’m planning a trip with my dad to Seattle for mid-September. We are from British Columbia, and neither of us have been to Seattle. While I travel quite a bit in our country, I haven’t been to the states in quite a while. I could totally use some help figuring out best places to stay and things to do! Looking for air bnbs with a little kitchen to save money on food. We’ll be doing 2 nights and 3 days. He’s 60’s with classic hobbies (golf, biking, hiking, coin collecting). I’m 30’s and love art, museums, outdoors/hiking, music.

    1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      One thing to keep in mind (assuming that you’re driving) is that parking in many parts of Seattle is pretty difficult. Make sure you understand the parking situation for the rental if you’re renting in a neighborhood (or for that matter the parking situation for a hotel if you’re staying in one, since some of those can charge quite a bit extra for parking so you’ll want to budget for that). A lot of neighborhoods have permit parking, so make sure you know if your rental is in one of them and, if so, if you’ll be getting a permit to use or not as part of your rental. Obviously, an assigned off-street parking spot is the easiest to deal with, but don’t assume your rental comes with one unless it says it does.

      I used to regularly have the frustrating situation of staying with a friend in Seattle who lived in a permit neighborhood and did not have a spare permit. This neighborhood did not have any pay lots (I was definitely willing to throw money at this problem), so I ended up parking in one of those “traffic lane between 3pm-6pm, parking lane the rest of the time” lanes several blocks away and moving my car out of the way again the next day every time I went to visit him overnight. He has now moved to a house with a long driveway and enough off-street parking that this is no longer an issue, which has made visiting him much less obnoxious. (He is in a much less “trendy” suburb now rather than in a neighborhood that might appeal to tourists, though.)

      I can’t really help much on attractions in Seattle. I’m usually there to see friends or go to conventions so I really don’t do the “tourist” thing. I did take a concert and tourist trip to Tacoma a few years back and saw the glass museum, though. I thought it was kind of interesting, but it probably isn’t something I would have built the whole trip around. (I was mostly in Tacoma to hear Gordon Lightfoot play at a casino near there, and just looking for other things to stretch out the weekend.)

    2. Allison in Seattle*

      For neighborhoods to AirBnb, I think Queen Anne is going to be the right mix of centrally located, but easy to get to and from with transit or a car (and parking is pretty available, depending on the area, to address Seven hobbits parking advice, which is good). The Seattle Art Museum is great, well worth a half day’s visit. Lots of hiking and biking to be done in Seattle and the region. I always like to take out of town guests on the Bainbridge ferry. You can walk on at the downtown terminal for about $8 a person, then walk to the Bainbridge main drag from the terminal for food, wine tastings, etc. I’ve rented a bike and done a bike ride on Bainbridge before, too. The views from the ferry are lovely, as well.

  119. writing apps*

    For writers of all kinds, do you have a program/app/something that allows you to write/edit on several computers at a time? Something perhaps similar to google docs but that was separate from my google account that I could access maybe on laptop, phone, tablet.

    2. Ginger Sheep*

      I’ve been using Dropbox for that, on two different computers and a tablet, for over five years and I’m really happy with it – and bonus, it’s free up to a certain storage limit. I don’t know if it works with phones, though.

      1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

        On an iPhone, you can view in Dropbox, but to edit on a phone you’d have to have an appropriate app (word for a .doc, etc) on the phone.

  120. Environmental Compliance*

    I love my husband dearly, but I am about to throw something at him. He is on a ‘no sugar’ kick for some ungodly reason, and has decided I eat too much sugar and need to stop. I have no health conditions that would be in any way shape or form related. I like to have a small dessert after dinner. Sometimes I like a glass of wine. I walk a lot at work, I go for trail rides & do a lot of gardening, I’m relatively active. I am a grown damn woman who likes brownies.

    I am one more “but that’s got a lot of sugar, isn’t that a lot of sugar for you today?” comment away from telling him that’s there’s been a lot of dumbass comments today, isn’t that a lot of dumbass comments to spill out of your mouth today?

    1. Seven hobbits are highly effective, people*

      I’m a big fan of “yep! It’s delicious” when someone comments that I’m eating too much of something, but that may not be constructive either.

    2. Acornia*

      Say something when you can say it kindly! Just a simple “hey, can you not comment on what I am eating any more?” is a good place to start. If needed, escalate to “I need you to stop monitoring my eating.”
      And if he still doesn’t respect that boundary, then by all means go for snark.

      1. valentine*

        Yeah, “Don’t police my food/body. You’re projecting.” I understand not saying it the first time if you were taken aback because it’s out of character, but, as a baseball fan, letting it go past three seems odd.

      2. Lilysparrow*

        Yeah, he richly deserves it, but it’s best for both of you to start early and use kindness first. Don’t bottle it up and then explode.

    3. Maya Elena*

      Did you ask him directly to stop?

      Also, he might be indirectly asking you to not eat quite so many brownies in front of him because it makes his diet harder. You might think it’s a ridiculous diet, but again – surely you have “quirks” and occasional “kicks” that he doesn’t understand, but accommodates. I wonder if empathizing with his “kick”, and not being as dismissive of it, might also make him less annoying and naggy about it on his part.

      2. Environmental Compliance*

        He’s not on any diet. If he was this would be a nonissue, because I would understand the motivation behind it and not eat brownies in front of him, like we have both had to do multiple times in the past (for a variety of medical reasons on both sides, all of which have been resolved).

    4. Figlet*

      You might like to read some Captain Awkward posts for scripts to try – search for ‘health’ for starters. I’m sorry your husband has taken it upon himself to police your sugar intake. That’s not cool!!

      Have you tried responses like this?
      “Thanks for the concern but my body is my business.”
      See also: “When I want your opinion on that, I’ll ask you.”
      “You’re free to eat the way you like. Don’t comment about my choices or tell me what to do.”

      1. Environmental Compliance*

        I have tried saying directly that while he is more than welcome to reduce his own sugar intake (which, fun fact, he’s not at all), I am not choosing to go zero sugar, and I am happy with my diet as it is. His response is that he’s concerned for my health (??).

        I’ve also combined a death glare with a “quit”, similar to what I do to my gelding when he’s acting up, but this seems more effective with the gelding than the husband.

  121. Ringless*

    I lost my engagement ring a few months ago, and my fiance and I had decided that we’d do a deep clean of the house to look for it this weekend but we didn’t find it. He knows how devastated I am about this and has been so supportive, but I finally asked if he was mad at all that I’d lost it and he admitted that at times he has been. I’m glad he was honest, and I totally don’t blame him for being mad – he spent ages picking it out and saved up to purchase it and I couldn’t even keep it safe for 4 months. I’ve searched absolutely everywhere, I’ve reported it to the police in case it turns up, I’ve done everything I can think of and it’s just nowhere to be found.

    I know there are so many worse things in life – it’s only an object! I still have my fiance! – but I just feel so awful for losing it. I have an engagement party coming up that my mother is throwing with my extended family; I live overseas and no one in my family has seen the ring so I know they’ll be asking about it, and I just can’t bear the thought of telling every single person that I lost it. And even beyond that, I just hate that I lost this special item that I loved so much that he proposed to me with.

    Anyone else ever lost something like this? Do you ever get over it?

    1. Sparrow*

      Not nearly so important, but I lost my keys last month, and I was a miserable grump about it. Wracking my brains about where I’d last seen them, calling myself names in my head, lying on my bed moping, the works. They ended up being found in my friend’s purse, right as I was about to bite the bullet and pay an awful lot of money to have my locks changed (apartment policy, my roommates had been letting me in and out of the house but if I reported them as missing to the leasing office, we would have to change the locks and all get new keys).
      I’m sure you tried your best to find them, and I’m sure your fiance knows that. Sometimes these things happen, and continually beating yourself up won’t make it magically reappear. If you have a good relationship with your mom, maybe tell her and ask her to give some of your relatives a heads up so you won’t have to explain over and over again at the party?
      Good luck, I know it’s a sucky situation but I am thinking of you!

    2. WellRed*

      My grandmothers’ wedding rings (plural grandmothers). They slid right off my finger in December. My roommate found them in February in the laundry room right next to the litter box.

    3. MissDisplaced*

      Do you remember the last time you had it on?
      I say that because it makes a difference if say, it went down the drain/toilet/sink or was lost outdoors or in a public place as opposed to being taken off deliberately and then misplaced in the house. It may still tun up!
      I lost my high school ring one night in a cemetery (don’t ask!) because it was cold and it literally flew off my finger. I thought it gone, but I went back there a week later during the daytime and I found it semi-stuck in the dirt because the bright sun glinted off it.

    4. Booksalot*

      My husband bought a classic car this past year, and lost the only key within a month. The make of car is defunct, and despite calling in a LOT of favors he’s been unable to replace the key.

      So the car sits like a brick in the driveway, taking up a ton of space and causing divots in the asphalt. I have to back up the (steep, curving) driveway because there’s no room to turn around. So aggravated. I’m about to sell it for a dollar on eBay.

      1. valentine*

        Have you tweeted for help? Any classic car forums or car shows he could ask? (Assuming a key to another of the same car would help as a baseline to create a new key.)

      2. WellRed*

        Yes or maybe a classic transportation museum. Or try Hemmings Motor News. Or, uh, Jay Leno.

    5. Ethyl*

      I dunno if this is the same as such, but our cat broke one of our wedding toasting flutes a couple months ago (he somehow got somewhere he absolutely shouldn’t have been able to get to, I have no idea how he pulled it off). Let me tell you, I was ready to re-home that asshole that entire week! I’m getting teary-eyed just thinking about it! I’m not still *as* mad as I was that week, I am much calmer and the cat still lives with us, but I don’t know if I’ll ever be “over” it. And I think to an extent that that’s ok. As long as it’s not keeping me awake (or causing me to mistreat the cat!), I think it’s ok and normal to be sad about something like that for a long time.

    6. Jean (just Jean)*

      You are right, it’s only an object and you still have your fiance, but how painful!
      I have two loss stories for you: one item lost permanently; another retrieved.

      A silver filligree link bracelet slipped off my wrist while I carried folding chairs half a mile between my home and a friend’s home, during the early hours of a cold autumn rain that lasted until the following morning. I thought briefly about shuffling through the dead leaves in the gutters but decided that there were too many places to look and besides, by the time the rain had stopped, the bracelet had probably already washed into a storm drain. The item did not have much monetary value but was a gift from another dear friend. It’s been gone for more than thirty years and I still think of it from time to time. The dear friend, however, remained in my life for some twenty-five more years before succumbing to old age.

      My spouse’s wedding ring was deemed lost in an out-of-town hotel room, but about a year later it turned up tucked into the candle-shaped well of a candlestick inside a buffet (along with some “good china” serving pieces and other fancy tabletop items). I hope you’ll find your engagement ring in a similarly unexpected location. Check the back corners of closets and cupboards and inside anything that has an “inside:” small decorative boxes? cream pitcher? sugar bowl? side pocket of your winter bathrobe, last worn a few months ago, ….?

      I hope you find it but either way I wish you and your fiance years of happiness together. It’s a sign of kindness, love, good character and/or all three that your fiance has been supportive even if he’s also had some times of being angry.

    7. Jaid*

      I lost an emerald and diamond bracelet on a New Years Eve. It was from my Mom, who found it in a thrift shop, had it valued and yup. Real.

      I’m still sad, but because my Mom gave it to me, not because of how much it cost.

    8. Ask a Manager* Post author

      My husband lost his wedding ring a couple of years ago and I was really annoyed — less because he lost it and more because it felt like part of a pattern of him being more cavalier about stuff than I liked (I’m very type A and he has ADHD and … that’s not always an ideal mix). I finally made my peace with it, but he kept saying he was sure it would turn up and it actually did — months and months later it fell out of a cup holder in a treadmill we were selling. So now he has it back, but I feel like it’s not out of the realm of possibility that it will have other journeys in the future and I just have to be okay with that.

      1. Academic librarian*

        I’m the loser in the family and it drives my husband nuts. Headphones, watches, books, paperwork, wallets, mittens, scarves, hats, boarding passes, hotel keycards, tablets, pens, keys, phones. No idea where my wedding ring is but for fairness, I had become allergic to it. For all of us who just can’t “put it back where it belongs” or “know where we last had it” I appreciate your kindness and generosity to your husband’s inability to hold on to things. Mostly when things go missing, I try to remember “nothing is lost in the eyes of G-d” and someone probably needed that scarf more than me.

        1. Red Reader the Adulting Fairy*

          I found that cashmere scarf you* lost at a bus stop on Mercer Island ten years ago. I wore it for the next six years before it went on to its new home. It was lovely and warm, thank you for sharing :)

          (*or whoever)

      2. Elf*

        My father is on his third wedding ring – this one lives in my mother’s jewelry box. He lost the first one on the honeymoon. The current one was lost for at least 6 months once, and was later found in the lining of a suitcase.

      3. Karen from Finance*

        This is very late but I lost a credit card for a year and I refused to call the bank and have it replaced because I was sure it would turn up. And it did, in the pocket of a winter coat that I had put away for the spring.

    9. Luby*

      I lost my great grandmother’s pearl ring during a move and was absolutely devastated. It wasn’t worth a ton of money, but the memory attached to it was what made it special. That was 18 years ago, and I still think about it, but it’s not so upsetting anymore.

      If you had an appraisal done when the ring was purchased and insured the ring you can get a ‘like and kind’ replacement. Insurance companies try to force people to use their preferred jewelers (at least in the U.S.), but you have the right to choose whichever jeweler you are comfortable with. I’m sure it’s not the same as having the original ring he used to propose, but you can at least get something equivalent. And who knows, it may turn up! Sometimes they end up in the strangest places.

      1. Tmarie*

        I lost my only diamond ring about 14 years ago. I looked everywhere. Mirrors on sticks in air ducts looked. Finally replaced it after a couple of years. Two years after that, after coming to the realization that I would never be able to scuba dive again (blown eardrums) I was going through my gear bin, and there it was. It was gone almost five years.

    10. Not So NewReader*

      I do think the loss gets less raw over time. But in the grief books I have read, one of the things on the list of stuff that causes us to grieve is “lost items”. We can grieve losing something pretty hard.

      Can I just say? You may not have found the ring but you both found out stuff about each other that is valuable information. How you both react to a problem is critical for the survival of the relationship. You both did well, you both played your parts with sincerity and honesty.

      My gut feeling is relax for a bit. I bet the ring turns up. Give it some time.

    11. Ron McDon*

      My husband dropped my engagement ring on the beach on our honeymoon, and we could not find it. He kept going back to look every morning for the rest of our honeymoon (they drove a vehicle over the sand to turn it each morning) but no joy. He even asked people who were there with metal detectors to help.

      He bought me a replacement, identical ring when we got back, and asked that I tell anyone who asked that it was being resized to fit better with my wedding ring because he felt so awful about it (it wasn’t a particularly expensive ring compared to what some people spend).

      I wasn’t that concerned about its loss because I truly did feel that it’s just an object, but I perhaps would have felt differently if we had not been married already when it was lost – then it probably would have felt like more of a big deal?

      I am sorry to hear this happened, and I am glad your fiancé is being supportive.

    12. Ringless*

      I wrote this post last night while weeping over my keyboard and now I’m doing the same (for different reasons!) while reading the replies! I have felt really alone in my guilt and sorrow over this – again, my fiance is wonderful and supportive but can’t empathise with how it feels to be the one who lost it – and reading these messages has helped me feel a lot less alone.

      This is a wonderful community. Thank you, all of you, for your replies. It really really does help to know others have gone through this and understand the feeling of this very particular kind of anguish.

    13. lasslisa*

      After six or so years, I lost the treasured ring my partner had given me early in our relationship. I had worn that ring *every day* for years, not feeling it on my finger was a constant bother and reminder.

      Well, last I could remember I had set it on the end table in our living room, and now it wasn’t there. No pets, but maybe it had been knocked off – we went through that whole room, moved all the furniture, took apart the sofa, opened all the Velcro panels on the recliner, went through the trash cans (though it had been taken out in between and I was afraid my ring might be in the dumpster), no dice. Absolutely miserable (“this is why I can’t have nice things!”).

      Eventually we gave up on it. About eighteen months later we were having a relationship crisis. I came home from work, went to drop my bag next to the recliner, and noticed something glinting on the carpet. Our ring! Smack in the middle of the floor where it had definitely not been spending the last year and a half. Maybe it was stuck on something inside the recliner and finally fell out. Maybe it was elves. I don’t know. But I sobbed so hard finding it just then.

  122. Jaid*

    Watching “Travel Thirsty” on YouTube – it’s like a cooking ASMR. Over in Asia, you can pick out a fish at the market and have cooked on the premises, to eat there or take home.

    The episode I’m watching now is a Red Sea Bream, being cooked as a fillet over a salad, as soup, and grilled. No speaking, just cooking. And eating.

    If you don’t have an appetite, this will give it to you!

  123. SophieChotek*

    I am sorry, this is random and kind of late, but I think some people here have mentioned that they are fans of the “Original” Anne of Green Gables series, starring Megan Fellows and Colleen Dewhurst.
    I just noticed that (as of yesterday) the Sullivan Shop has their limited edition collector’s blu-ray set on sale for like $90+ free shipping – normally it like $150 or something like that

    Just thought I would mention it. I need to watch (in their entirety) the new versions.

  124. SaffyTaffy*

    I just want to say this about Cosby, even though nobody is going to read it at this point.
    My mother went to Temple University for less than 2 years, never played sports, had no association with Cosby, and STILL my first knowledge of him as a celebrity was my mother saying in 1987 or ’88, “that man’s a pervert.” She only knew because ~everybody~ at Temple knew.
    In 2001 an issue of Hustler magazine has a joke ad of Cosby drugging and raping a woman.
    He punched one of the Smothers Brothers in the face. If they’re not two of the sweetest, most wholesome men on the planet I don’t know who is.
    Everybody knew this and nobody cared.

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